Course: BA 1002 Degree Project, Master, Jazz, 30 credits 2022 Degree of Master in Music, 120 credits Department of Jazz

Supervisor: Klas Nevrin

Gunilla Törnfeldt

Letting My Light Shine A Journey of Building Identity and Confidence as a

Jazz Vocalist

Written reflection within an independent, artistic work.

This independent, artistic work is documented in KMH’s digital archive.

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Abstract In this thesis I share my journey of building my identity and confidence as a jazz vocalist. A transformational work that has served as a steppingstone for my continuous artistic work as both a vocal jazz soloist and ensemble singer. I started with a broad sense of wanting to examine the differences between solo singing and ensemble singing in jazz. This purpose was turned over, transformed, and changed several times to the very end, when I instead realized that what I truly needed to do, in this text, was to focus on myself and my own artistry. In the beginning of these studies, I had identified specific challenges and areas where I experienced difficulties in my singing and performing. During this work I summarized them in the following categories or areas: my voice, my musicianship, and my mind and mindset. I have been exploring these areas using feedback loops with performative documentation, as well as alternating between writing and reflecting, with the purpose of beginning to clarify my aesthetics and artistic choices and building my identity and self-assurance. This work resulted in my exam concert and the recording of two albums: “Unraveling” as a soloist, and “New Horizon” as an ensemble singer with Stockholm Voices. Besides these artistic results, I have reached a higher level of vocal freedom and control. I have made myself more aware of my aesthetic judgments both as a soloist an ensemble singer, and I feel I have reached a higher level of awareness, expression, and communication as a performer. Furthermore, I developed strategies for dealing with self-doubt and lack of confidence. Keywords: vocal jazz, vocal jazz group, solo singing, identity, confidence

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Contents

Preface ........................................................................................................................ 11. Introduction ........................................................................................................... 3

1.1 Background ...................................................................................................... 41.2 Purpose and Questions ..................................................................................... 71.3 Methods ........................................................................................................... 9

2. Sources, Resources and Inspirations ................................................................. 102.1 Sources and Resources .................................................................................. 112.2 Inspirations .................................................................................................... 12

3. The Journey ......................................................................................................... 133.1 The Beginning ............................................................................................... 133.2 The Process .................................................................................................... 153.3 Artistic Results ............................................................................................... 21

4. Conclusion and the Journey to Come ............................................................... 27References ................................................................................................................ 33Appendix 1. Exercises for Improvisation – Presented at the International Jazz Voice Conference in Helsinki 2015 ........................................................................ 35Appendix 2. I’ll Never Fall in Love Again, Sheet Music ..................................... 37Appendix 3: Lyrics for the Original Songs on Unraveling ................................. 42

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Preface My work with this master’s project has been transformational. While that might sound like something has been finished or completed, instead I think of it as more of another steppingstone and a jump off in my continuous movement towards things I yet will continue to discover and develop – I have just gotten a clearer sense of direction. I would like to express my deepest appreciation to my teachers and mentors Christine Löfgren, Irene Sjögren, Helena Jonason and Klas Nevrin for invaluable advice, guidance, and support on this journey, and to Peder Karlsson and Joakim Milder for great suggestions and advice. I am also sincerely grateful to Markus Sjöberg for being of such wonderful assistance in the studio when recording my music. My deepest gratitude and love to my very dear friends, colleagues, and collaborators in Stockholm Voices – Maria Winther, Alexander Lövmark and Jakob Sollevi for the laughter, hard work, inspiration, and creation together. Kudos to our band and arrangers Calle Rasmusson, Carl Bagge, Mikael Skoglund, Svante Söderqvist and Klas Lindquist – you rock! I am extremely grateful also to Daniel Fredriksson, Jonas Kullhammar, and again Svante Söderqvist and Carl Bagge, for being part of bringing my music to life, making magic together. I would like to extend my sincere thanks to Janis Siegel and Lauren Kinhan, for granting me the opportunity to share parts of your experiences and wisdom in your interviews. I very much appreciated my classmates in the master’s program, thank you for valuable discussions and feedback! I am also very grateful to Rebecca Thyresson for proofreading the text. Lastly, from the bottom of my heart, I want to acknowledge my parents, for both giving me the very musical foundation I have built my musicianship on, and for invaluable support and help in everyday life, enabling me writing this thesis.

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around

you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.

– A Return to Love (Marianne Williamson 1992)

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1. Introduction

When I applied to the master’s program I was at the end of my yearlong parental leave and at the same time also came out of divorce. I had been active as a freelance musician, had released two solo albums, I had founded the vocal group Stockholm Voices which I had toured a lot and released an album with, but I had also been teaching extensively for almost fifteen years. I had been very focused on giving and helping other people to the extent that I was at a place where I really felt the urgent need to replenish both ideas and inspiration. Especially after the parental leave, I felt I needed a kick start and time to focus on myself and my personal development and growth as a musician and artist. I wanted to really get back to work with Stockholm Voices again; with me as the leader being on parental leave the group hadn’t been very active for a while and needed a bit of a restart and reset; we had even decided on a reorganization and forming a business together. What a possibility to study again! To receive, experiment, play, reflect, be challenged, gain time to focus… I am very grateful for this opportunity, and I have enjoyed every part immensely.

I began this process during the first semester with an idea to specifically define and write about the differences between solo singing and ensemble singing as a jazz vocalist and keeping as much of the solo experience and feeling of being a jazz vocalist in the ensemble singing, without the feeling of a unit breaking apart. I had identified specific challenges and areas where I experienced difficulties in my singing and performing that I wanted to work with. In the later stages of this work, I realized I could summarize them in the following categories or areas: my voice, my musicianship, and my mind and mindset. These categories are in themselves part of the answer to one of my research questions. I thought these things would for sure be a continuous work through my studies but for the thesis more of a side focus. Instead, during the last year, they turned out to become THE focus for the whole project. The voice is a never-ending area of exploration and development but there are some specific technical aspects I have been working on and dealing with in this master’s project. In my musicianship I include the part of me being a communicator, working with musical expression, interpretation, and stage presence both as a soloist and with Stockholm Voices. Here I include the parts that are about interplay, connection and skills needed on different levels when singing together in our group i.e., ensemble singing. My mind and mindset are to me a source of strength, inspiration, and a guidance, but they can sometimes be a huge burden and hindrance when old beliefs and “programs” of self-doubt and self-criticism start running amok.

As mentioned above, my initial intention for this thesis was for it to be about practical analysis, definitions, and methods on working with and developing four soloists singing together in a vocal jazz quartet, keeping the energy of jazz and solo singing while maintaining the experience of a tight unit. However, my process has been ever changing and practical circumstances led me in different directions.

The poem “Our Deepest Fear” (Williamson 1992: 190-191) quoted before the Introduction, has been a companion of mine for almost twenty years, and it continues to emerge in my consciousness consistently, almost when I need it the most. When I experienced a major challenge in my personal life around the time of the early Fall of 2021, it popped up in my mind again. It became so present in my experience that I ended up using it as an important inspiration for my solo project recordings with two collective improvisations both based on the poem itself. In the later stages of the project, it even became an appropriate name and reference for my whole thesis and journey. To “let our own light shine” (ibid.) is indeed a very good description of the work I have been doing on my vocal performance, both as a soloist and within Stockholm Voices.

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When my work started coming together in the very beginning of the last semester, I felt that I needed to become more personal and vulnerable in my sharing of experiences within this text. I recognize it as part of my process of “letting my light shine”. Embracing and accepting, even loving, parts of me that I otherwise might rather want to hide or cover up. I already had turned to focus more on my personal journey than on the group journey, but in January 2022 an unexpected circumstance occurred. I knew that my very close friend and colleague, Maria from Stockholm Voices, had a doctor’s appointment. On the telephone I asked how it went but neither expected nor was prepared for her answer – she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Aside from the shock on a personal level, we now had several practical issues to address regarding the group. We had just mastered our next album; we had planned to start our own club1 and were looking forward to some fifteen concerts at jazz clubs and concert halls throughout the spring and early summer. Due to her upcoming treatment and uncertainty of the outcome, we quickly realized we needed to press pause on most of our business for a year. One of the consequences of this new situation for me personally, was that I would not be able to work or perform with Stockholm Voices as part of my master’s project. Consequently, it became obvious for me to focus on me and my personal process as a singer and musician.

Doing artistic research involves reflecting and analyzing from different perspectives and putting your work in context with earlier research and other disciplines. Besides beginning to clarify my singing and performing, this has led me to consider topics like authenticity and aesthetics. Other areas that have been very helpful in my process and an important inspiration in my everyday life, are personal growth and spiritual practices, which I personally have been very interested in for many years.

In this thesis I am sharing my journey over these years, sharing parts of where I come from, what I feel I have accomplished during my master’s studies, where I feel I am presently and where I yearn and hope to go. I have made timelines and set deadlines, but they almost always ended up being runover by unforeseen events. The reality of being a single mother with a toddler (now four-year-old), during a pandemic, juggling varying social restrictions for work/preschool/studies and different health issues have been a challenge to say the least and it has made it somewhat difficult to maintain a steady course and pace. However, in the end, despite changes of focus and varying consistency, I feel like I nonetheless have come full circle with what I intended to do. I feel I have reached an enhanced awareness and confidence in my practice, how I make choices as an artist, and I developed many great tools for how I want to pursue my journey to come.

1.1 Background “Self-praise smells bad!” (In Swedish: “Eget beröm luktar illa!”) That’s what another kid in my mother’s children’s choir said to me after practice in church. I can’t remember where the comment came from, if it was due to me doing or saying something or someone else doing or saying something, but, it stuck. Sometimes you don’t even realize that such events actually affected you. Small and seemingly insignificant comments like this have a way of gathering up and nesting in your subconscious, creating blocks and beliefs you oftentimes are not even aware of. This was very much the case for me.

______________ 1 In the spring of 2020, one of the things we had planned to do with Stockholm Voices was to start our own club with guest artists – “Stockholm Voices’ Salon”. The idea was to perform some of our songs together with the guest, but also to make new arrangements for us and the guests on some of their songs. When the pandemic hit, this club obviously had to be cancelled and were postponed several times and still is, until hopefully the Spring of 2023.

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I began singing in choirs at the age of four. First in my mother’s children’s choirs and later I studied at the Adolf Fredrik’s Music School and was also accepted in the renowned Adolf Fredrik’s Girls’ Choir. A big part of my identity was being a good girl, or being a “good soprano”, keeping in place and doing right. This was easy, in the sense that what was wrong, and what was right, was very clear. There was a strong hierarchy of “superior music” and music that was not regarded as equally valued, and I quickly adapted with every opportunity I had. In one of the first classes at Adolf Fredrik my choir teacher addressed the use of my support, specifically the movement of my belly muscles2, when doing staccato exercises on “ss”. She said that I pushed my belly inwards but that I should instead push it outwards. Being the good girl, I tried my best to follow her instructions and I changed how I used those muscles, not knowing that this would in the future give me a lot of problems.

In high school I delved into what would later become one of my guilty pleasures – musicals. Oh, how I wanted to be able to belt out high notes like those singers! I asked for help from my voice teachers on how I could make them, but they were all classically trained and did not have methods or knowledge on how to achieve those results. I was left very frustrated but, at the same time, I had to make what I was able to work. That became a good challenge in itself, to know one’s limits and to work with what you have. However, I always longed to use my voice with greater strength and power.

During the same time in high school, I developed complete anxiety for improvisation. Coming from a background with the importance of singing the “right” notes and keeping in place, I did not have the skillset for when something was sounding good or working out and I could not believe I was to just trust my ears and sing what I thought sounded good. Every preparation and practice for the classes in vocal improvisation created a lot of tears.

During my studies at the music program at Bollnäs folk highschool I had a huge identity crisis and questioned why I even was singing at all. A clinic we had with singer and avantgarde improviser Lindha Kallerdahl provided great inspiration and the solution to my problem with anxiety became to work with free improvisation. Everything started flowing! By allowing everything in the context of total liberty, my ear eventually got access to more notes when improvising on changes too. During my time at Bollnäs I discovered Norma Winstone and her beautiful, soft sound and I really liked and could also relate to the way she participated as if she was an instrument in Kenny Wheeler’s Big Band. At this time, I also deeply discovered Joni Mitchell and her storytelling with stunning melodies. When then hearing Rigmor Gustafsson and Peter Asplund’s album Melos (1999) I felt wow, my soprano voice could be integrated in the jazz context! Other important voice influences were Nancy Wilson, Ella Fitzgerald, Chet Baker and other Swedish singers like Lina Nyberg and Jeanette Lindström.

During my studies at KMH I worked with the voice teachers Gun-Britt Gustafsson and Marie Bergman and got into the extensive work of changing and resetting my technique and reprogramming my support. This took an enormous amount of work since I ten years earlier had reprogrammed it myself, due to how I had understood the instructions my choir teacher gave me. Marie taught me how to use Qi Gong, being an instructor herself, and a way of voice meditation or exploration she calls “toning” in Swedish, which translated into English might be “tuning” or “voicing” or “sounding”, since that is what you do. You sing, or rather make a

______________ 2 There is a continuous debate amongst voice teachers on how the support “should” function and how the movement of the belly muscles “should” work together. Most part of the literature I have come across during my graduate education and continued studies afterwards, for example the Complete Vocal Technique (Sadolin 2009 p. 34) or the book Singing and Teaching Singing (Chapman 2012 p. 46), besides pretty much all voice teachers I have encountered in my education, emphasize the importance of an elastic inwards movement of the lower belly during singing.

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sound, on an open vowel like aah, and you let the vibrations travel through your body, aware of your breath and allowing whatever quality of sound that escapes you. Truly liberating and healing.

I mentioned that I earlier had discovered Joni Mitchell for real, and now at KMH, I pursued doing a full tribute concert of her music, with my arrangements for an eight-piece band plus string quartet. It was so easy to sing her beautiful poetry and very much felt her music all the way to my bones. Her songs, songwriting and singing style have been extremely important to me and my tribute project paved the way for me receiving the prestigious grant from the foundation Friends of Jazzclub Fasching in 2006.

During the process of starting to write my graduate thesis “Gender in Jazz Education” (in Swedish: “Genus i jazzundervisning”) (Törnfeldt 2008), I founded the organization IMPRA together with singer and composer Lina Nyberg in 2006. I was the president for the first three years, being part of changing the equality map of the jazz scene in Sweden. I was unfortunately extremely afraid that other people would think I took advantage of the situation, and so I held back a lot, not taking opportunities to promote me and my music. I recorded my debut album “A Time for Everything” in 2007 but did not release it until 2009, when I also resigned as the president of IMPRA.

The work of liberating myself from my own fears and misconceptions continued. This led me to creating my own ways to overcome these disturbing thoughts, which turned into a method of improvisation of focusing on the lyrics, much later being formulated, and presented at the International Jazz Voice Conference in Helsinki, in 2015 (see Appendix 1). This allowed myself to let the music out, I totally prioritized the surprise of the moment, which partly led to a bit of a “reckless” feel of my improvisation. Consequently, it was not an evident road for me to pursue ensemble singing in vocal jazz. The choice of becoming a jazz musician has for me been transformative, not only in the change of a lot of musical perspectives but the change of deeply personal approaches to ways of living your life. For quite some time, I almost shunned the opportunities I had to sing in choirs since I felt that kind of musical expression was not compatible anymore with the musician I had become. I did return to singing in a choir from time to time, but every time I felt more and more vocally disconnected and I felt that the role of the shimmering, “good girl” soprano was more and more distant to me. What happened to my voice when integrating with the other sopranos, did not feel good and I lost connection to my solo voice. Several times I said to myself, “I am never singing in a choir again!” after performing a concert. However, I liked the people around and I often got a chance of performing solo pieces as a jazz vocalist at those concerts, so I came back several times for social reasons.

I was offered, and tried, being a member of the jazz vocal sextet Vocation for three years (2007–2010) but I left the group since I concluded again that ensemble singing wasn’t for me. I wanted instead to whole heartedly focus on my solo career. What I perceived as the freedom, energy and core of jazz music was tantamount to me then, and I did not feel that singing in a vocal group gave me those ways of expression.

When I attended a concert with the Manhattan Transfer and the New York Voices in 2011, I was blown away by the level of both their ensemble singing and their individual skills and expressions as solo singers. From that lightning experience came the idea and urge to form the vocal group Stockholm Voices in 2012, with the clear intention of singing together with as much element and “feel” of being a jazz vocal soloist as possible, but without losing the sense of a unity. That intention was crucial from the very beginning when choosing the other vocalists for the group, and it continued to be solidified as an openly stated goal when rehearsing, recording, and performing with the group. To me that made the whole difference of singing in a vocal group vs being a soloist – I could be both! I will share more about the work we have been doing these last years, and one important factor on this is the change of

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how we work as a group. In the beginning, I was the leader, both artistically and administratively. I brought the group together, I booked the gigs, I led the rehearsals, and I mostly funded our debut album. After my parental leave and divorce, I did not have the time nor energy to do this work anymore, and that’s when the others stepped in. We realized that if we were to reach further as a group, we needed to transition into a more collaborative and collective way of working, resulting in us forming a business together.

1.2 Purpose and Questions I stated in the introduction that my purpose and questions have changed a lot during the course, but in a way, they have also stayed the same. One could say that the direction has been the same (the intention to develop my voice and artistry) but what did change in different stages of the process was the areas which I thought I would put a spotlight in the thesis. I started with a very vast focus which I had to boil down to a few specific ideas, intentions, and questions, that led me to the realization they would not be working out and thus having to, once again, find and define a new focus. It progressed from, having more of the focus on how to describe and define more general rules or methods for how to achieve certain aspects of ensemble singing, to instead become examining, describing, and defining my own personal choices and preferences.

My first intention was to cover all parts of my solo singing (technique, improvisation, artistry and more), plus my composing, my arranging and of course the ensemble singing part with Stockholm Voices. However, that turned out to be too broad and extensive. It was not clear how I would connect the different pieces and aspects, so I needed to find delimitations to prioritize what would be important and not.

After the first year and the process of trying to find those delimitations and to zoom in on more specific questions, I had the idea to first do interviews with my colleagues in Stockholm Voices – Maria Winther, Alexander Lövmark and Jakob Sollevi. Then to present the same questions to two of our colleagues and predecessors on the other side of the Atlantic; Janis Siegel from The Manhattan Transfer and Lauren Kinhan from the New York Voices3. In addition, I interviewed two highly regarded horn players in Sweden that are equally active as soloists and section players – trumpet player Karl Olandersson and alto saxophone and clarinet player Klas Lindquist4. I wanted to ask questions about experiences on the differences of playing as a soloist versus in an ensemble or section. As a result of the interviews, I hoped I could create theories and/or methods on how to work with levels of unity and personal expression in singing together in Stockholm Voices. After that, I intended to do sessions and perform experiments while working on the recording of our album, and in the thesis write about the process and outcome. As an assignment for a seminar in the spring of the second year, we were to present an elevator pitch of where we were at with our project, and mine read as follows:

I’m exploring how to integrate solo singing with ensemble singing, in vocal jazz ensembles, to sing with as much personal identity of being a soloist as possible and

______________ 3 Stockholm Voices participated with a video of our arrangement of the song Social Call, in “Vocal Gumbo” on April 30, 2021 – an online vocal festival each month that period, that Janis Siegel and Lauren Kinhan curated together during the pandemic. Since the contact between us was already established due to this, things unfolded quite naturally for me to ask if they would consider to be interviewed, which they kindly did. 4 Both Karl Olandersson and Klas Lindquist have, as I mention, equal experience of being a soloist with their own groups as well as section playing in both big bands and smaller combos, and they both have experience on being the lead player of their section.

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exploring the lines of where the unity of the group still is perceived as a unity and when the unity might fall apart. To me this is important because a lot of singers in vocal ensembles are heavily affected by singing in the classical choral tradition and this often in my opinion makes the music or group sound to be a bit un-personal, boring, and even to deviate from the core of jazz’s aesthetics and expression. I’m exploring it through rehearsals, recordings, concerts, interviews, and experiments with my group Stockholm Voices I hope to come up with a framework or method on how to work with this. I hope to have insights and results around coming up with parameters that are non-negotiable for maintaining the ”unity” and some that are more open for personal freedom. (Elevator pitch, March 23, 2021)

I did conduct the interviews and it was so inspiring and valuable to hear all the interviewees experiences and thoughts on the matter of solo playing/singing versus ensemble playing/singing in jazz. I felt, however, that the interviews did not provide the kind of specific information I had hoped for or thought I would get when it came to definitions on the differences in singing solo and in an ensemble, i.e., the possible differences in sound qualities or suggestions on rules to follow. I think there is another important reason for this that I strangely disregarded at the time, and that is the fact that both Janis and Lauren sing the alto parts, which means that the register they use when singing in their groups will not be as different, compared to when they sing as solo artists. The same actually goes for Maria, Jakob and Alexander. Maria and Jakob sing the alto and baritone parts respectively which are not too far off from the registers they use as soloists and Alexander who sings the tenor part is not too far off either in the use of his registers when singing solo. When I’m a solo artist, I choose completely different keys for jazz standards that will match more of my lower register compared to when I sing the soprano parts in Stockholm Voices. I think my expectations were much too narrow and precise, and thus I was not open to truly discover and analyze the information and knowledge the interviews had provided. Another aspect was the definition of “unity” and/or when the unity is perceived as breaking apart. I had thought or hoped to get clearer answers on that to be able to formulate theories on how to work with this, but the answers I got were more separate and different than I had anticipated. The answers I got from Karl and Klas for example, were much about different strategies for listening, leading, following and blending, which were great and valuable but I was too focused on what they didn’t say to be able to make use of what they did say. Then, combined with the situation of the pandemic and remaining restriction in place, the time we were able to find together to record with the group was severely limited and thus, the time for performing experiments were nonexistent. Since Alexander lives in Gothenburg and Maria and Calle at the time had a four-month-old baby together, there were very few chances for us even to rehearse. The times we did get together, all focus needed to be on finishing recording of the album. That meant that my whole idea for what I thought I was supposed to write about in the thesis kind of went up in smoke, and in the beginning of the third year I had neither formulated any theories or methods to try out, nor had I performed any experiments to analyze or draw conclusions from. In retrospect, I really should have also asked Cheryl Bentyne, soprano of The Manhattan Transfer, and Kim Nazarian, soprano of the New York Voices if they would also consider to be interviewed. I thought about it at the time but decided not to ask them partly since I was afraid it would be too much data for me to analyze when I already had done six interviews, and also because when I realized there would be no time for me to conduct any experiments, I wasn’t sure of the benefit of conducting more interviews that I might not to be able to use or have the time to analyze anyway.

When I brought these facts to our first seminar that last year and asked for feedback on if and how I could continue with my topics as quoted in the elevator pitch above, I received divergent reactions and suggestions from my supervisor and peers. Their interpretations of my intentions were vastly wide and different, and I realized that the way I had formulated the

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questions and purpose was actually a bit problematic since it could mean so many different things to different people. To specify a general meaning of what “unity” sounds or feels like, or “rules” for when it is perceived as breaking apart would be very difficult because it would be dependent on context and someone’s experience and preferences. An inventory and analysis of those topics would need much more time and work than I could possibly muster. That led me to realizing that the only thing I, for this project, could do with credibility, was to try to clarify my own preferences and perceptions – my aesthetics. This I had been doing from the beginning (the main purposes for this project were always introspection, analysis, and development of my practice as a jazz vocalist, when navigating in and between the different settings of being a jazz solo singer and a jazz ensemble singer) but I had not thought of it as me and my choices being the main subject and focus to write about. Thus, these are the two research questions I finally decided to focus on in this text:

1. How can I explore and clarify my aesthetics and preferences to help myself make more clear artistic choices both as a vocal jazz soloist and vocal jazz ensemble singer?

2. What areas in my practice5 are important to support, maintain and master when navigating between these, for me, two vastly different musical settings?

1.3 Methods Anette Arlander (2014) recommends that an artistic researcher during the whole process should hold on to at least one of the three following parts – the question, the method, or the material. For me I would say that the part that has been consistent for me, that I have held on to, is the “material” – my voice, my music, and my singing as a soloist and in a vocal group. Maybe the methods have been somewhat consistent too, while the questions or point of views for the text are the parts that changed during the process. This was something I already reflected on in my journal half-way through my second year.

I have used several methods for documentation and reflection. Simply writing a text like this, reflecting in various stages on what should be included and not, is indeed a method. Besides that, I kept an unstructured journal in a synchronized software, editable on both my computer and my smartphone, for general written reflections organized by dates. I prioritized that it for me would be as easy as possible to simply add notes, as to avoid procrastination. I feel like it mostly helped, especially since the software made it possible to quickly add thoughts or reflections whenever they occurred.

I recorded voice lessons, some with audio only but mostly also with video. I kept separate journals for the areas the different teachers represented, and I had a notebook for writing lyrics and musical ideas. Several of the concerts I performed were filmed which gave important material for reflection and feedback. I made several studio recordings, with the intended outcome of one album with me as a solo artist, with mostly my own original compositions, and one album as an ensemble singer with Stockholm Voices.

The artistic method I have used has been experiment based, using feedback loops with performative documentation (Nevrin 2019). An overview of variations of the process could look something like this:

______________ 5 I here both refer to the noun “practice” - the broader meaning of my work as a singer - but also the verb, and the explicit meaning of practicing certain skills. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/practice

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An excerpt of how I used the workflow could be:

1. preparing and rehearsing a song in the practice room or at home 2. to record it with my smartphone 3. watch/listen to it and analyze the parts I want to work with (reflecting) 4. make adjustments, 5. going back to practice and preparing again 6. make a new recording 7. sending it to my teacher and receiving feedback on our lesson (contextualizing) 8. going back to “the shed”6 to implement the feedback from the lesson (preparing)

And so on. I have done the preparing parts in the practice room, at home or in front of the computer – practicing, listening, composing and so on. I have made the recordings using the voice memo app or a DAW7 on my computer and filming with my smartphone, but there have also been more official footage of concerts and studio recordings with the two upcoming albums of my solo project and Stockholm Voices, respectively. The contextualizing has been done by taking part of literature, other research, doing interviews, making conversation with other initiated musicians in the form of interviews, and receiving feedback, information, and conversation with and from my teachers.

I have used a method for productivity called the Pomodoro Method (Cirillo 2018) where you set a timer and do concentrated work for 20-25 min, then take a five-minute break. Each interval of 25 min is called a “pomodoro” and after four or five “pomodoros” you should take a longer break. This I have used both in my creative process of writing music and for writing the thesis.

2. Sources, Resources and Inspirations

This chapter will first give a brief overview of a selection of sources and resources I have used during this work, relevant of mentioning to give shape and context to my journey. I will also mention some of my inspirations to my music and creativity.

______________ 6 “The shed” is slang for “the woodshed” which simply means a private place to practice without being heard by anyone else. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woodshedding 7 DAW = Digital Audio Workstation, software used for recording music on the computer.

Contextualizing

Reflecting Recording Performing

Writing

Questions / Adjustments

Preparing

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2.1 Sources and Resources In the beginning of my master’s studies, I found it hard to distinguish what artistic research even was supposed to be and how it would differ from artistic practice itself. Aren’t all artists working with honing their skills and creating new art in some ways also doing artistic research? There is a continuous debate on the subject8 but there are some opinions and suggestions that I have found helpful. According to the Dutch theoretician Henk Borgdorff (2006), for something to be considered as research the intention to do research is crucial, but besides intent he asserts that you also need originality, knowledge and understanding, research questions, context, method, documentation, and dissemination. You also need to separate the object – the work of art itself, the process – how it came to be, and the context – how is the work related to other works, society and/or other areas of relevance. The Finnish artist and researcher Annette Arlander (2014) in her article “On Methods on Artistic Research”, gives a broader view of how different the definitions of artistic research have been and still are, thus also the many ways in how it can be conducted, and she too writes about having the intent to do research. Her position is that practice-based research often has a specific interest of producing knowledge, but the motivation or goal of artistic research is rarely the production of knowledge itself. Rather that many artists turn to research either “because they are dissatisfied with existing forms of practice, because they have a dream or vision, or because they want to experiment and play.” (p.30).

What is regarded as beautiful or ugly, good, or bad all comes down to aesthetics. An article that dives deep into the subject is Nick Zangwill’s Aesthetic Judgement (2001) in the Stanford Encyclopedia. Taking part of this kind of in-depth definitions has helped me to reflect on both my own and other’s judgments. Zangwill writes about subjectivity in taste, which is based on a feeling of pleasure or displeasure. I interpret it as something you might feel resonates or not resonates with you and your taste. Another aspect is normativity, where he quotes Kant (1790, in Zangwill 2001) which means we think that others ought to share our judgment and that we even might blame them if they don’t. Authenticity can refer to “either in the strong sense of being ‘of undisputed origin or authorship’, or in a weaker sense of being ‘faithful to an original’ or a ‘reliable, accurate representation’” (Varga & Guignon 2020). During my interview with Janis Siegel, I asked what she thought was most important in your personal “ID” as a soloist. She answered “Authenticity.” and added “People feel when it’s not real or put on.” (personal communication, June 4, 2021). When asking her in a private message for confirmation on what she had meant, she added in her reply:

I feel it is important to at least know /be aware of one's truth as an artist and come from a place of realness /authenticity. But as a vocal stylist as well - I feel as if one chooses to sing in a certain "style" of music...one should be knowledgeable of that style, perhaps know some history, where it came from, etc (Janis Siegel, personal communication, April 30, 2022)

This is very interesting because when looking at several of the jazz voice-books I have read, the main meaning of the word authenticity there is “how to be true to the jazz tradition”. An example of that is “Jazz Singing: Developing Artistry and Authenticity” by Diana Spradling (2007), she provides an extensive analysis of transcriptions of vocal scat solos sung by Ella Fitzgerald, Mel Tormé, Sarah Vaughan, Betty Carter, Mark Murphy and Bobby McFerrin. In Rosana Eckert’s book “Singing with Expression” (2018), she does not use the word

______________ 8 For example, in the online journal Between Science & Art: https://between-science-and-art.com/debate-on-artistic-research-1-summary/

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authenticity, but it is heavily emphasized on learning the “jazz language” when it comes to timing, phrasing and improvisation, i.e., the same meaning of the word as Spradling (2007) uses in her book. However, in “Section 5 Additional factors” (Singing with Expression 2018: 125) Eckert addresses what could be interpreted as the other meaning of the word, regarding personal involvement and being true to and expressing yourself in various ways, from facial expression to body language, to choosing your repertoire.

One term that I am addressing that needs an explanation is “diplophonia”. This is a vocal dysfunction that is perceived as singing two notes at once, double pitch phonation. (Bastian, n.d.) In Complete Vocal Technique, Cathrine Sadolin calls this phenomenon “split” (2009: 79), and she means that it is something that occurs when a singer sings below the high C, but the vocal cords still are in the same stiff mode of phonation as in the vocal flageolet9. A widespread method to work with dysfunctions in the voice, like diplophonia, among speech therapists in Sweden and Finland, is working with a “resonance tube”. I was instructed and advised to do this when I contracted voice problems due to the appearance of mild hypothyroidism around then years ago. “Resonance tube phonation with tube end in water is a voice therapy method in which the patient phonates through a glass tube keeping the free end of the tube submerged into water, creating bubbles.” (Wistbacka et.al. 2018).

In the extensive world of self-help books and personal growth programs, there are indeed a lot of valuable methods and tools available. One very helpful for me with managing my stress levels, is commonly called “tapping”, also known as EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It involves tapping with your fingertips on specific meridian points of your body (meridians as in the Chinese medicine tradition), while focusing on a negative emotion at hand. I had heard of the technique before but when I found the app “Tapping Solution” and I tried their simple meditations, the relief of anxiety was almost instant and I regularly use it, especially in very stressful times. (The Tapping Solution 2022). I have also used other types of meditations and visualization techniques, mostly provided by the app “Mindvalley” (Mindvalley 2022).

2.2 Inspirations One of the first very specific inspirations and motivations for starting to write music within this project, was the period just after the pandemic had hit in the Spring of 2020, when the air traffic had stopped and there were a lot of reports on how the environment started to recover. In one of the meditations I use, you connect to the Earth and the Earth’s inner light, and I almost felt a need to speak up for “Mother Earth”. That was followed by the Black Lives Matter protests later that summer and then came the huge and infected debate about the covid vaccines. Polarization everywhere. This all added up in my song “Time to Change”, for which the lyrics are provided in the Appendix but will portray more in the next chapter.

When it comes to my music, there are some things that usually are recurrent in my songs. I love how the bass line can make complementary lines to the melody and changes when using other bass notes than the root, especially the 3rd in the bass. This have been present in several of my compositions for at least twenty years and this project is no exception. I have also been heavily affected by other composers using progressions changing modal centers and modal mixture changes, “borrowing” chords from other scales like melodic minor, aeolian or phrygian. Kenny Wheeler have been a major inspiration in that regard for a long time. His way of integrating the voice of Norma Winstone in the compositions was tremendously influential for me, using the voice as an instrument in for example, “Music for Small and ______________ 9 Vocal flageolet is explained as “A muscular process that prevents part of the vocal folds from vibrating making it possible to reach higher notes. It is automatically involved when producing notes above the high C (1046.5Hz for women)” (Complete Vocal Institute 2019).

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Large Ensembles” (Wheeler 1990). That is also true for Swedish trumpeter Peter Asplund, which made a huge impression on me with his playing and compositions on the album Melos (Asplund 1999), featuring renowned vocalist Rigmor Gustafsson, as also mentioned in my Background.

I did not decide against using swing grooves, it just happened. One of the contemporary singers I love and have listened a lot to is Gretchen Parlato, and the absence of swing grooves is also most often true of her music. Maybe I was influenced subconsciously in some way on this. I especially love the song “Winter Wind” from her album “Lost and Found” (Parlato 2011.) I have transcribed and used it in my teaching, and it has also served as an inspiration for the groove on one of my newly written songs, “Strong for You”, which I write more about in the following chapter.

I have already mentioned the poem “Our Deepest Fear” by Marianne Williamsson (1992) but since it has been so tremendously significant for this project, I want it to be included in this part of the text too. Combined with my love for Joni Mitchells singer/songwriter style with often more simple changes, strong melodies and beautiful poetry, I guess you will find me somewhere in the middle of a mashup of all of these influences.

3. The Journey

Here I will account for the most important topics I have worked with that I feel have made the greatest impact for me in the three areas of my voice, my musicianship and my mind and mindset. I will give some context to them in a somewhat chronological timeline. I have chosen not to use those three areas as a way of presenting the text in the process though, because they have been heavily intertwined and overlapping. I have struggled with how much detail I should include and how to present it, but in retrospect I can see my journey as three folded – first to identify and map out my starting positions to discern where I was at and stake out a direction and set goals, secondly the process of the work itself culminating in the artistic results of the albums and, lastly, the exam concert.

3.1 The Beginning I didn’t stop singing or performing during my parental leave, though the occasions were heavily reduced. We did a couple of concerts with Stockholm Voices, and I was a guest teacher at a jazz camp for kids but, especially after the pregnancy, my vocal fitness was not on top. When starting the master’s program in the beginning of the fall of 2019 I felt a bit “rusty”, and I was having some challenges with my singing technique that I wanted to work on. I generally had a strong feeling that I was not living up to my potential as a singer and artist and this was a bit frustrating. With Stockholm Voices we needed to decide how and where we wanted to go musically as a group for the next album and I too, as a solo artist, felt the need to clarify my musical identity. I felt very much like “the dissatisfied artist” in need of new perspectives, knowledge, and methods, that Arlander (2014) writes about when discussing the reasons to why artists might turn to artistic research. I felt incredibly motivated, but I also had a heavy amount of self-criticism.

During the entire first year, I had set out to study full time, but I also continued to work part-time at Ingesund. During the Fall and Winter of 2019-2020, I felt that it was simultaneously challenging and manageable and my intention was to pursue full time studies the second year, and to then take a leave of absence from my teaching to focus even more wholeheartedly on my performance and artistry. After March 2020 it became evident that freelancing as a musician was not an option to make an income for quite some time, though

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nobody knew for how long, and I instead applied to do part-time studies and to continue my teaching job. I am very grateful for having that stable position and income during these times although I, as so many others, struggled a lot with adapting to the required practices of remote and online teaching, and of course the absence of live concerts.

Getting back to my starting points. When it came to my voice, very specifically, I had lost a few notes in my upper range. In my twenties and through most of my thirties, I had pretty easy access to the high C (C6) and now the highest note I could comfortably produce was A5. The soprano parts of Stockholm Voices rarely reach that high anyway so in a way it was not a big problem but the feeling of those “lost marginals” were still significant, especially when improvising, since I felt a bit limited. My vocal stamina was lacking, and I easily ended up with tension in my jaws and tongue due to compensating for lack of breath support. Off and on, even before my pregnancy, I had dealt with occurrences of diplophonia when singing in a softer breathier voice around B4-E5. Not always but sometimes, in an unpredictable way that could be, well, a bit unsettling. I had been working on this earlier, and keeping mostly under control, with the help of my wonderful resonance tube, but after the pregnancy it had worsened. I was generally in a milder stage of fatigue after a rather emotionally strenuous and exhausting year, which I knew I had to be mindful of and take care of, to not strain or overexert myself. Our first gig with Stockholm Voices we had that fall was as guest artists at the Monica Zetterlund Award Ceremony in Berwaldhallen, September 29, 2019. It all went well but I was so glad that we only performed four songs in each set. After the first two, I was vocally exhausted and at the end of the second song, I got a severe cramp in my jaw that took all my strength in order to make it through without it showing.

As for my musicianship, I felt like I had almost retreated a bit into my “shell”, and I felt limited and closed off when performing. I did not feel confident as I second guessed most of what I did, and I often retreated to having my eyes closed when singing and especially improvising, as a way of almost protecting myself. I absolutely hated seeing myself on video. I had regularly tried to record myself for content to my social media platforms, but I was never satisfied with anything I did. Never mind singing on camera, speaking felt even worse, so I very rarely posted anything at all. I have very seldom had any problem with speaking in front of students or other audiences, both small and large, but this type of recordings made me extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. At the same time, I was starting to sense how I could look and how I could perform on camera, but I critiqued myself heavily when not meeting my own expectations. Furthermore, my earlier strategies for overcoming performance blocks and blocks when coming to improvisation, as mentioned in my Background, had led to me having what I felt was a somewhat “reckless” approach – I could do something quite creative and fun, but I felt that it was often lacking in deeper intention and direction. One other thing that I had thought about for many years and that makes a huge difference, is singing with intention and not on autopilot. I felt I easily ended up in that kind of non-conscious or “sloppy conscious” singing on routine and I strongly felt I needed to change that. With Stockholm Voices I had the intention to explore the differences for us being soloists and ensemble singers, but I did not know yet, how I could accomplish that in the context of artistic research that was stipulated in the master’s program. The question of navigating in and out of the “unity” had always been a topic for us, but since we had a longer break, we needed mostly to work on establishing that unity again. I feel that togetherness in singing, like so many other things, is very much like fitness – If you don’t maintain it, you lose it. For us, we definitely needed some time to “re-connect” together again vocally after spending a few years not performing as much as before. I felt strongly we needed to become more of a unit regarding our appearance and stage presence, and we discussed how we could accomplish that without it becoming too complicated or too much.

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When it came to my mind and mindset, I was, as mentioned earlier, very motivated, and excited to study, but at the same time full of self-doubt and judgment on various levels. I had for several years already been interested in personal growth and various spiritual practices, varying from more alternative “energy” practices to yoga, mindfulness and mental training, and I had just started trying out a new meditation program with the topic of rewiring your brain and managing your thoughts10. The realization that I actually had not been believing in myself and had been holding myself back for so long, being too afraid of what other people might think, was hard. In a conversation with Professor Joakim Milder on our first mentor’s appointment, when we talked about what I wanted to get out of the master’s program, I remember saying

It’s not that I think I completely suck, I know I know some stuff. And obviously there are some people who also think I know some stuff since I have been working with helping and educating young aspiring musicians and teachers at high level of education for many years. But I strongly feel I am not living up to my full potential, I’m not performing on the level I want to be and where I think I could be. (November 12, 2019)

I also stated that goal in my first voice lesson with Irene, that I wanted to expand to the “level” I want to be on. How was I to define that “level”? And how would I even know if and when I will have reached that goal? It was hard trying to distinguish what is helpful critique of my performance and what was destructive thinking and unnecessary questioning. This was contrary to the image of what I thought I should have accomplished or how I thought I should have been able to be on top of things like this, and in those aspects, I felt like a failure and a bit of an impostor. I was thinking “I’m too old for this, I should have gotten over this long ago”, like this is something I see my students struggling with and I really ought to have gotten a grip on this by now. Fortunately, my earlier experiences had helped me to understand, that these were merely thoughts and feelings. The work with your self-esteem or confidence is of the same kind as working with your physical fitness – it needs to be attended to or be trained if you want to keep it. These thoughts and feelings were not a true reality, or some uncovered truth I needed to accept. I had done enough work with myself and others to know that this was not set in stone, and that I definitely could create change.

That became one of my largest goals and prospects – to grow my confidence and self-esteem so that they would compensate for, or give some protection to, the fears and doubts that creep on from time to time. I felt strongly that I wanted to be honest with myself and acknowledge these fears and doubts to see what I could learn from them, manage them, and heal them – if you expose a troll to the sunlight it will burst, right? I can definitely draw parallels to the singer Maria Carlman’s work with similar issues in her thesis More and More of Less and Less (2018) where she dealt with the harsh inner critics and resolved matters by working with artistic tools and methods developed by Rosenberg on the basis of Csikszentmihalyi’s flow theories (Rosenberg 2013).

3.2 The Process The first voice lesson I had was with Irene Sjögren and it was such a wonderful experience. To meet again as colleagues, but of course me now being the student again, almost twenty years after our last lessons in the beginning stage of my graduate studies at KMH, was a privilege. One of those very wonderful things, and very different from when I was a twenty-year-old, was that I did not feel that I was looking for her approval or permission, I felt no ______________ 10 Meditations found in Joe Dispenza’s book “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”.

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need to prove anything. I could plainly and honestly state my goals and motivations, and I was eager to receive her feedback. I wrote in my journal that I felt a bit lost though:

Specifically, I feel like I pretty much am just trying out a lot of things. I don’t have a strong idea or sense of what is “me”. I experimented with phrases in various ways and without having heard any of them, and I felt it was a very big difference in the various exercises or approaches we tried, almost like I was a variety of people. (Journal, September 9, 2019)

The performance anxiety I had been plagued with in younger years was not present in my lessons with her as it was back then, and I reflected on that a lot of the kind of exercises we did, with different focuses on lyrics/vowels/change a lot/change a little/challenge/surprise, had earlier been a way for me to simply bypass my anxiety and mental blocks. Now when that old anxiety was not there anymore, what did I need to do? “What do I want? Who am I?” (ibid.). It turned out that although the old anxieties were not there on the lessons, they had just been replaced with new ones, since I had raised the bar, so to speak, or gotten new priorities. I had chosen to start working with more challenging standards, to examine my limits when it came to, for example, my ear or articulation, singing up-tempo or harmonically more complex songs. I wanted to do a “check-up” so to speak, to get a clearer idea on what I needed to practice. We worked with Very Early11 and You’re Everything12, among others, and it was so fun to be doing this kind of work again – to get someone else’s input and suggestions was certainly refreshing. However, it became apparent to me some time into the first semester, that what I really struggled with was not how to manage complex changes or if my timing or articulation was on point or not. I already had lots of strategies on how to practice advanced ear training and improvisation, as well as the other mentioned aspects. Not that I was content in any way – I knew I had lots of areas that I needed to continue practice and develop in all these skills. We continued to work on similar topics like the use of consonants in articulation and thus reenforcing your sound, dynamics and timing, but our work more and more directed to different focuses like listening, awareness and simply trusting my own phrases, which was what I needed the most.

One important influence in the beginning that helped set a lot of intentions for me, not only for the master’s studies but also in a more long-term perspective, was a private lesson I had the opportunity to have with the in the earlier mentioned American singer and educator Rosana Eckert. She fortunately stopped by to do a masterclass at KMH on her way home to the States from Helsinki, where she had been lecturing and performing at the International Jazz Voice Conference. Rosana is the Principal Lecturer of Jazz Voice at the University of North Texas13 and is “Praised as a world-class artist, and with an international reputation in several facets of the music industry” (UNT 2022). I knew of her because of her earlier work participating as a vocalist demonstrating exercises in other vocal jazz books. I also had heard that she had substituted singing alto on tour with New York Voices, and I couldn’t wait to pick her brain and receive her feedback and advice. The lesson turned out to be tremendously informative, helpful, and interesting. I will refer later to questions she asked and statements she made, when drawing parallels to my journey and conclusions.

Regarding vocal technique, I had chosen to study with Helena Jonason, concerning my specific technical challenges with my voice. Living in an apartment with thin walls and a toddler that didn’t appreciate my practicing, meant that I needed to find solutions on how to practice at all if I wanted to build my vocal chops again, since the time I was able to go to the

______________ 11 The song by Bill Evans, first recorded in 1962: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIJqPgf7gpE 12 The song by Chick Corea, first recorded in 1973: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07DGCYdRlXc 13 https://music.unt.edu/faculty-and-staff/rosana-eckert

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campus were limited due to the combined situation with my job and my child. Together with Helena’s suggestions and exercises and my earlier experience of voice training I compiled different programs that could be performed without making too much noise but still be effective. This included physical workouts strengthening my core muscles, such as doing the “plank”, various breath work, and also simply working with speech and articulation. One of the more important things we discovered during those first lessons was that I had been actually overworking my breath support which had led to non-intentional activation of the jaw muscles and tongue. In my effort to get back in vocal shape I had been actually engaging and pushing too much, which is unfortunately an easy and common mistake. I see it all the time with my own students too, but it oftentimes takes an outside eye to discover imbalances in your body and performance – all professional athletes have a coach that helps them stay on track and focus on the crucial and helpful parts to improve their physical technique. I needed to find the right balance with air flow, glottal pressure, and phonation, and especially practice using the soft closure of the vocal cords while maintaining elasticity and evenness in my belly-muscle activity combined with widening the ribs. In order to maintain a non-breathy tone, I had been over activating the resistance an tension in the vocal cords themselves, which meant I needed to work much harder with my support than a note should require, and this over-tension in the cords seemed to be one of the reasons for the diplophonia that still was occasionally present. Through consistent work with both my resonance tube and finding the right balance of air flow and soft closure of the cords, the occurrences of diplophonia decreased. The most important, and I would say epiphany-like moment, was when Helena addressed tensions in my neck and instructed me to put my hand on my forehead and push my head forward into my hand, and sing. This activated some muscles in the neck but also deactivated other muscles that might have worked as a form of resistance, or brake, for my larynx, because quite suddenly I had access to those extra notes I had lost. My singing was like a breeze compared to earlier when I felt I had to push or work a bit harder to be able to make the notes at all. A couple of weeks after this lesson, we went on tour with Stockholm Voices, which was a lucky strike for us considering the still very present pandemic, and we managed to perform ten concerts for audiences with a maximum of 50 people just before everything closed down in the beginning of November 2020. Not only did I feel it was so much easier to sing; after the first gig our drummer and arranger Calle Rasmusson actually said “hey, your singing has improved, like, 40%!” (personal communication, October 5, 2020), which was fun because I could reply “I know!”, since that was my belief, as well. Everything I sang just sounded better – my vibrato was freer, and my tone was more relaxed and softer, but still vibrant. All of this due to the release of a slight muscle tension in the neck, and I realized my vocal stamina was not even lacking as much anymore.

For Stockholm Voices, I had coaching sessions online with Peder Karlsson, both individually and with Stockholm Voices, since he is not living in Stockholm, and we unfortunately were not able to synchronize our schedules the few times he was in town. At the time being pre-pandemic, it felt somewhat unusual with online teaching, strange and high-tech for us, but it worked, and little did we know this perception would soon change for pretty much most of society, not just in Sweden, but in the whole world. We discussed our transition from being a group with one leader to being a collective sharing the workload and touched on the subject of communication and mutual and joint expression as a group when singing together. Peder spoke about strategies and approaches in group singing regarding those topics, which he wanted to share with us after he saw our concert at Jazzclub Fasching on November 13, 2019. We tried and failed to find a time together on campus for him to work with us during the Fall and said that we would get back to it during the Spring instead, but when the pandemic hit, this was unfortunately lost in the chaos that followed.

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Another area, that was not as present as I had thought it would have been in my process, was my arranging. I had chosen to have lessons with Calle Rasmusson, a marvelous arranger, drummer, and member of Stockholm Voices’ band. We pursued working with ideas and techniques for establishing the right groove and feel of songs and later working more with form and voicings. Most of our work was put into writing the arrangements for two songs for Stockholm Voices’ album, that were my contribution as an arranger.

To say that my process was heavily affected by the pandemic is not an exaggeration. So many things just collapsed. All gigs were cancelled. I got covid myself in the first wave. With all the restrictions in place where you or your children could not be outside the home with the slightest cold or sneeze, together with the online teaching, made the situation extremely challenging for most of us. I was partly in charge of organizing the transition to online teaching and figuring out how we were to teach and examine for example classes in jazz ensemble, at the same time as pursuing full time studies and simultaneously staying at home with a sick two-year-old or being sick yourself, did simply not add up. This was the case for most people I knew though, and strangely enough since I knew the entire situation was completely out of my control, I actually did not become too overwhelmed and was able to focus on just trying to make some of the parts work to the best of my ability. One thing that was such a shame for Stockholm Voices was the cancellation of our planned club Stockholm Voices’ Salon that we had intended to do during the Spring of 2020, as I mentioned in the Introduction. One of the intentions with the club was for it to be highlighting the release of two singles with music we had previously recorded but not yet released, but this of course fell through the cracks. We released the singles, but they did not make the impact we had hoped or planned.

Another very important and extensive part of my process started when I, during the Spring of the first year in 2020, started working with Christine Löfgren. I had decided that I wanted to work with my stage presence, expression and communication and I had heard great things about her work with other singers. When we started working together, the pandemic had hit and the restrictions for online teaching had been implemented. This actually did not become a problem for us since one of my goals was to work with singing and speaking on camera. Working through an online platform also meant that I could record the lessons easily on my computer, which was an advantage. We started right away on working with video recordings. I did not like what I saw with myself and I had a hard time to ignore self-judgment, but Christine gave a few positive affirmations to work with when practicing and recording the songs: “I am beautiful”, “I am an amazing singer” and “I am radiant”. I experienced a strong resistance within me to use these statements and I realized I still had a lot of lingering fears and judgments from earlier experiences in my life, like the one I shared in the beginning of my Background, that did not allow me to fully feel or believe them. I practiced a lot in front of a mirror and realized how unaware I had been of the way I actually looked and what I radiated. I used the method of performative documentation and worked with feedback loops on most areas but for this part of the process, that kind of workflow were particularly significant and intense. After having a lesson, it was valuable to be able to really see and hear the difference in my expressions and singing, to go back to “the shed” and experiment and practice in front of the mirror, to do another recording or even perform a concert that could provide feedback. Another dimension to the title of my thesis, is that Christine early on in our process used the phrase to “find your inner light” and to “let this light glimmer and shine through”, which was something I rediscovered when going through my notes and journals. I love it when matters align in such a way. Other aspects we worked with, that I found were important when working with a mirror, was that I found I had been very much unengaged in a lot of my facial muscles, particularly my lips and cheeks. What I thought or felt to be a relaxed face instead appeared to be more of an unengaged face. Christine advised about how

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to find more “protruding lips”, not in a “duck-face-way” but as in activating the “light” and letting the light shine through the face. Besides appearing to be more convincing in my expression, the activation of these facial muscles helped me to project my tone and timbre in a clearer way. Another important thing was access to a more elastic breath support, through movement in the pelvis, shoulders and the back. An exercise that Christine worked a lot with me in our individual sessions, and Stockholm Voices, was to “walk” standing still, with the soles of your feet firmly glued to the floor but bending one knee at a time, which made the pelvis tilt on either side for each “step”. When adding movement in the shoulders and back, through focusing on bringing the shoulder blades nearer to each other the combined movement were not unlike a salsa dancer. This both had the effect of activating the core and making the activity in the belly muscles more elastic, and helped greatly to activate torso anchoring that is an essential tool in the Estill method to unburden the work in the larynx. It made a big difference when being on stage, to not tense up or become stiff. Christine talked about it as helping oneself to appear more “three-dimensional” on stage, unlike if you stand too still, become stiff and block the energy in the body. To actually move the whole time was not the point but rather to feel the energy and connection to the body, as if it was in movement. When we worked with Stockholm Voices four singers at the same time, the difference was apparent.

Christine and I also talked a lot about finding the inner meanings of songs – what does this song truly mean to me? My own inner storytelling should be the most important. To be precise, to really tell a story like painting a picture with words and emotions. Furthermore, I learned how one could deal with a song that might be too close to the heart or too emotional to perform – how you could alter the inner meaning of the phrases or context to something similar but not something that were too private or maybe too sad. Vulnerable and personal yes, but not in an unsettling or private way that might make you break down if becoming too much to bear. Christine discussed that it is of course impossible for any audience to know if any performer does that and that you can never control how anyone interprets anything, but you can only express yourself. I find this to be so true, which is why it is of high importance to gain clarity of why and what you are expressing and communicating. “Working with my own expression is going hand in hand with everything. To practice releasing and letting out, being present, allowing.” (Journal, July 15, 2021).

When working with Stockholm Voices, I believe the biggest impact for us was Christine’s feedback that we should not back down in our individual expression and output. We realized in the group that we had been holding back due to fears of outshining the person next to us. The difference of our energy level and output after working with that in front of a mirror wall was remarkable. We worked with synchronizing our movements and body languages, also in front of the mirror, and although we of course cannot see each other in that way when we are performing, the difference of having the sense of where the others are and how they probably look were apparent for all of us. It actually made an impact on our group sound – when we were physically more in synch, it also affected our sound and singing. If you are aware of this, I think you can really see a difference if you compare the two livestream concerts, we performed at Stockholm Concert Hall in 2021. We did our first entire live stream concert of our own on February 26, 202114, for a completely empty concert hall due to the restrictions, which was a strange experience for sure. Then in the fall, after the restrictions were lifted and after we had done this work with Christine, we had the pleasure to be guest artists in the concert “Happy Days are Here Again” and performed three songs with Blue House Jazz

______________ 14 Stockholm Voices at Konserthuset, February 26, 2021: https://www.konserthuset.se/play/stockholm-voices

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Orchestra on October 29, 202115. This made me realize, the sense of us being perceived as a unit can not only be impacted by the way we sing but also how we look and conduct ourselves on stage. For us to sing with a more uniform direction of energy, with joint inner meanings of the songs, or joint, simple but effective affirmations like “I look good” or “I am a star”, really made a great impact. This was clear both on the individual level for each of us, which we all noticed and talked about, but we thought it especially showed in our output and expression as a group.

It didn’t strike me at the time, but I think now in retrospect that this was one of the reasons that I felt my initial idea for analyzing singing in an ensemble with as much individual feel as possible, without the perception of the unit breaking apart, or trying to define the lines where and when that happens, just did not work out. I mean that, from the interviews I had conducted, the summary of answers to all my questions was “it depends”, which is not very specific. It depends on the style of the music, the groove, the genre, the tempo, the voice register, nuance, timing, expression, sound, vowels, articulation. All those different aspects that definitely are worth working with and within themselves might be possible to perceive or define a line where the impression becomes “messy” if allowed too much individual variation, but that together becomes too complex to be accounted for. There is also the aspect of individual taste, preferences, and earlier experience. If you come from a jazz, pop, or rock background you might feel that some aspects of singing in a vocal group might appear too polished, uptight or even boring (I have often heard opinions like that), but if you have a background in choir singing with possibly opposite preferences, you might feel like some of the individualization instead make the appearance messy or scruffy. My intention of trying to “define a line” where the unit is together or breaks apart just did not add up and either way, we did not have the time to perform experiments. After the seminar I wrote about in the Introduction, where I realized that my peers’ and teacher’s interpretations of my intentions were very wide and different, it became clear that what I needed to do was to instead clarify my own preferences, to make it clear what I like and do not like. When I arrived at that conclusion in the beginning of the last year, all of the tutti parts with the group had been recorded for the album and although we performed a couple of concerts, most of the work with the group were done remotely and became planning the album release. The last time we performed together was in Kristinehamn on December 2, 2021, and then in January the reality of Maria’s illness hit us. Combined with the fact that I am not the artistic leader of the group anymore, I do not find it appropriate for me to elaborate on aesthetic judgments regarding singing in our group or to discuss what I as an individual might prefer. It is simply not my place to say, at least not without the others having the possibility to equally contribute with their opinions and thoughts, but then this would be a completely different text.

What I can do, and I have done, is to reflect and make judgments on my own personal preferences and artistic choices as a solo artist. One question that became important for me to help make some of these choices was a question Rosana Eckert asked me – “What stories do you want to tell?” (personal communication, October 8, 2019). She implied that this question should be in focus when choosing all of my repertoire, and I certainly had this when choosing songs for my solo recordings. This is something I discussed with Christine Löfgren and that I could use working with this thesis in a process of working out my “brand”. I have not yet come to the point where I sit down and write them out, but I am aware of it in my head when I make them, and I think I definitely will in the very near future.

The line between where “the Process” might end and the conclusion or execution of the artistic results with the albums or where the exam concert take over, were not clear to me. ______________ 15 Happy Days are Here Again at Konserthuset, October 29, 2021, Stockholm Voices appear 1h24min into the concert: https://www.konserthuset.se/play/happy-days-are-here-again/

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Rather, it felt overlapping, so I decided to continue writing more about the processes that were specific to each album in the following chapters.

3.3 Artistic Results Part of the culmination of working with this project was the process of preparing for and performing my exam concert, as well as preparing for and recording two upcoming albums: one where I am the solo artist – “Unraveling”, and one as a member of Stockholm Voices – “New Horizon”. The album “New Horizon” is mastered and ready, but due to Maria’s illness we decided to postpone it a year and instead hopefully release it in Spring 2023. Because of that, the group concluded that I would not share the tracks for the songs for the publication of this thesis. Readers of the text will have to wait for the official release. Regarding my own album “Unraveling”, those songs are neither mixed nor mastered. I will publish the tracks on DiVA when the album has been released, but in the meantime provide a link to Soundcloud.

Unraveling Link to Soundcloud for listening. This album is kind of accidental in its origin, to be honest. To start with, my intention of these recordings was initially to provide documentation for the solo part of my master’s project, though I did state for myself and the band that if I liked how they turned out, I might release them as my third solo album. That helped me to not be too critical and judgmental when writing, choosing, and finishing the songs. More than before, I had arrived at being able to maintain focus on being present and allowing whatever music or lyrics came to me. I am especially happy about the fact that the original songs I wrote for this album did not emerge as a result of “force” or “inner coercion”; the seed of each song came to me as inspired thoughts or “auditive visions” – I suddenly just heard something. I love when that happens and I am really happy that kind of flow made an appearance in my process again, it had been a long time since that happened. I will say, however, the process of finishing the songs had a bit more pressure. Even then, I managed to not go into anxiety mode and rather I could be constructive when figuring out what would work and what would not.

Another practical thing that affected both the choosing of the songs and the arrangements was when my original band mates were available for studio time. Only the bass player Svante Söderqvist was available for recording during the whole fall-period, and so I instead asked Carl Bagge and drummer Daniel Fredriksson. I have played with them a lot earlier together with Stockholm Voices, but I know and love their playing in many other bands and settings too, and I felt confident they would contribute beautifully to the music. For some time, I have also wanted to include a horn player in at least parts of my compositions, and I asked Jonas Kullhammar if he wanted to join us, since I love his energy and expression in his playing. Jonas was only able to be there the first day and Svante needed to leave early on the second day. Hence, I decided I would include saxophone on only four songs that I thought would be reasonable to make in the first day. The second day I decided to record one song in duo format together with Carl, then the other guys would be able to leave after lunch and I could then add some lead vocals.

The first song to emerge was Time to Change (“Audio 1” in DiVA). The first verse I wrote just a couple of months into the pandemic in the Spring of 2020, when all air traffic had stopped, and there was data showing the recovery impact on the Earth. I felt like I could almost hear “Mother Earth” breathing more clearly. The second and third verse I wrote a year later, and I first shared the song in three Instagram posts as raw, self-accompanied versions (Törnfeldt 2021).

I started more consciously to prepare for the recordings loosely in the end of the second year, by just thinking about setting an intention of what I wanted. For me that process often

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works kind of like making a request to the Universe for music, and then the songs are delivered to me as ideas for grooves, changes, melodies, like rough boulders for me to carve out the shape of the song. I was very much considering arranging standards to make my own adaptations, but I almost always ended up being inspired to write my own music. I only ended up truly re-arranging one song.

So, what stories did I want to tell, and what stories did I have to tell? One that stood out for me was when my son was a little more than a year old and he had to go through a tough and highly advanced surgery on his spine. He was hospitalized for a week, with a challenging recovery afterwards, and it was probably the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life so far. What came first, in May 20, 2021, was the groove for the intro and the chorus, with that Phrygian ominous feel, then came the ritardando-part of the song. I recorded it on my voice memo and noted the chords down by hand in my notebook. The lyrics for this song, that became Strong for You (“Audio 3” in DiVA), came much later when I had set a date for the recording and knew I must finish it if it was to be included in the session, but I knew from the start that this song was supposed to be about that experience. I did have some inspiration to the groove from Gretchen Parlato’s song Winter Wind (2011) which is a 3/4-latin song, a bit of a rare groove actually, that has another feel to it than the more common feel of 6/8.

The groove and “riff” for I Set the Sails (“Audio 9” in DiVA) came to me in the same writing session as Strong for You (“Audio 3” in DiVA), and at first, it was only the 12/8 afro groove with the modal minor chord progression of Fm7, Dbm7 and Ebm7 on repeat. It was only later when completing the songs that the chords for the bridge fell into place.

I am truly a sucker for chords with the 3rd in the bass. I can’t help including them. The working title for Unraveling (“Audio 7” in DiVA) was In My Weakest Time, due to that first rubato part (with lots of 3rds in the bass) with only piano, being the first to appear to me some time during the summer of 2021. During a writing session in October, I had worked out that there also had to be another part, in time, with a back beat that would be repeated during the verse. I had begun writing the lyrics and my initial thought was to perform it like spoken word, but the closer I got to the recording date it felt too big of a step. Instead, I wanted to sing the lyrics but not write a previously decided melody. The last finalizing touches on the arrangement and overall lyrics were made the night before the recording.

Besides including my original music, I looked for other songs that I might want to use, and I found the old gem Remorse (“Audio 2” in DiVA). I wrote the song together with guitar player Mattias Windemo some twenty years ago, being a somewhat lost twenty-year-old student. More specifically I wrote the lyrics and Mattias provided the changes and melody. I do not think I have played this song in a concert before and I’m not sure why, but I felt that it somehow spoke to me and made sense for me now.

I have loved the song Come Down in Time (“Audio 5” in DiVA) since I first heard it as a 19-year-old with Radka Toneff and Steve Dobrogosz on the album Fairytales, and I often include it in my setlists. There was something about it that still spoke to me, and I felt I wanted to include it in the recording.

As I mentioned in my Background, the music of Joni Mitchell has been tremendously influential and important to me. I almost always end up adding a Joni-song on my setlist when performing solo, regardless of genre. Choosing songs for this recording, I gathered all of the Joni songs I knew by heart. When I thought of which song could both work in a duo format and work together lyrically with the rest of the songs for the session, the choice became I Had a King (“Audio 6” in DiVA).

The tracks Let Your Light Shine (“Audio 4” in DiVA) and Our Deepest Fear (“Audio 8” in DiVA), are both collective improvisations. As I have mentioned earlier, the poem Our Deepest Fear (Williamson 1992) became present in my situation again in the Fall of 2021, precisely the months before the recording, and I had a strong feeling I wanted to include it in

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some way. I did not receive any “musical download from the Universe” though. Instead, I got the idea to have the poem as a starting point or inspiration for improvisation. I decided on just how the morning on the second day of recording. Especially on “Let Your Light Shine” I kind of used my own improvisation method of using the lyrics, which is partly why I have included the method in the Appendix. During the song I several times thought of the lyrics and the exact syllables while singing wordlessly. It is a tremendous way of creating content and direction to your improvisation.

I want to mention a song that I intended to, but unfortunately did not get permission to, include on the album, and that is I’ll Never Fall in Love Again. I think of this title as something that people say after a break-up and although eventually you know you will heal again, in the moment truly mean it. I find the original song by Burt Bacharach to not be especially sad though and I thought, what would it be like if it instead expressed much more devastation? I found I wanted to rewrite and tweak the bridge by changing both the chords and the melody to make it fit more into my musical language and express the gloom I was looking for. We did two takes with the band and I chose the second one, feeling very content with the energy and feel. However, after submitting the track to the publishers of Bacharach’s music in hope to release it on my album, I became very disappointed to receive the notice that I did not get the permission to release the song on my album or to perform it live. Since I’m not able to add the recording to the thesis due to this, I have instead added the sheet music of my arrangement in the Appendix, as part of my artistic result. This was especially a disappointing since this song was an example of one of those things that I had set a strong intention on doing – rearranging a jazz standard to fit my musical language and expression. This song might not be considered a standard though, since it was written in the later 60’s, and changing the chords and melody to something more or less very different where it became almost a new song, the publishers obviously thought that a line had been crossed and did not approve. I will just have to be more mindful about these issues with other songs in the future.

As I said, the process of writing was much easier than what it used to have been, but that didn’t mean that there wasn’t a bit of pressure. The day before the recordings I still hadn’t finished several of the songs and I knew I might need to pull an all-nighter. Somehow, I did not get stressed, even though the hours passed, and I noticed I still had a lot of work to do. I had decided that I just had to make it work and I knew I had to find a way to stay focused and recharged. I created a schedule of sorts with the Pomodoro Technique (Cirillo 2018) as a framework, to be mindful of drinking water, eating something and either to just sit and close my eyes for 5 minutes or to do a short Tapping session (Tapping Solution 2022). That meant that I would set the timer for 25 minutes, take 5-minute break where I did one or two of the mentioned “break-activities”. Doing this helped me stay focused and the longer I worked into the night I realized I might not be getting any sleep at all… which turned out to be accurate. With the help of microbreaks, meditation, focused work and a bit of adrenaline, I managed to not only stay focused all night but somehow, almost magically, keep focus and maintain vocal shape throughout the first day in the studio.

For a couple of hours during the first day, I had the opportunity to be joined in the studio by Christine Löfgren. Since we had worked with expression and establishing inner meanings of songs, I felt it would be of great value to be able to receive some feedback on that during the recording process. One thing we discussed was to sing “past the microphone”, to not let my voice or expression “stay with me”. I had a tendency to tilt my head backwards which affected my sound and the movement of the larynx. It was easily corrected though which made a difference to both my endurance and my sound being warmer and more open.

After recording the tracks and looking on them as a whole, it became clear that they together could form kind of a timeline. First realizing things need to change and that it will

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change, the process of going through crisis – grieving, processing, accepting – and lastly emerging on the other side stronger, wiser and more confident. Here I present the tracks with a short synopsis of the recording process:

Track 1. Time to Change (“Audio 1” in DiVA) The version on this album is the first take by the band and for myself I kept some of the original vocals but added most of it in a complimentary session on February 28th, 2022.

Track 2. Remorse (“Audio 2” in DiVA) This is a one-take. I went through the melody and how I wanted it to be played if it would be in time, but I wanted the whole song to be in rubato.

Track 3. Strong for You (“Audio 3” in DiVA) When entering the studio on November 15, 2021, I actually had not finished the lyrics for the chorus of the song, so when we recorded it, I instead improvised on that part of the song to capture the feel and energy of it since I knew I had the option to add the lead vocals afterwards. I completed the lyrics later in December when I was preparing for recording the additional lead vocals. For me, the groove is challenging to sing with, and I needed to work a lot on my articulation and timing for me to be able to be free when expressing and playing with the lyrics and melody the way in which I always strive.

Track 4. Let Your Light Shine (“Audio 4” in DiVA) This track is a collective improvisation we recorded directly after me reading the poem “Our Deepest Fear” by Marianne Williamson (1992) out loud and it is a one-take. I partly used my own method for improvisation of thinking the syllables of the lyrics when singing wordlessly (see Appendix). We did not decide anything in advance and the others did not know that I was sometimes secretly “singing the poem” but without the lyrics. I decided on the name for this track when I was in the later stages of writing this thesis, after doing my exam concert.

Track 5. Come Down in Time (“Audio 5” in DiVA) When listening to the finished raw mix I received just a week before finishing this thesis, I unfortunately realized that I had put lead vocals on the wrong take. We accidentally had used the first take of the song for my last session of adding lead vocals, but the one take I wanted to use was the third one. For the purpose of finishing my album later this year, I might consider to re-do this track, to instead add lead vocals to that third take, because it is more stable and with more feel and intention. This is not bad though and it might be too much of a trouble… we’ll see.

Track 6. I Had a King (“Audio 6” in DiVA) Calle and I did six takes on this one, we weren’t quite satisfied with any of them as whole takes. I was not satisfied with the way I sang it and felt I needed some more time to make it my own. From the recorded piano tracks, we decided to choose the best parts from the takes to make them work into one and then I would later add the lead vocals. We used most of the second take with the ending of the sixth, and I added the vocals in the last vocal session on May 2, 2022.

Track 7. Unraveling (“Audio 7” in DiVA) This was the second song we recorded. We did two takes and I chose the second one, since the first one had more feel of being a rehearsal. I re-recorded the lead vocals on the session on

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May 2, 2022. This might be one of the songs where my storytelling and background in musicals shines through.

Track 8. Our Deepest Fear (“Audio 8” in DiVA) This is also a one-take collective improvisation. We recorded it directly after having done the track that became Let Your Light Shine – which also was a collective improvisation but with me singing wordlessly. For this track, I was the only one reading the lyrics, the others played only by ear and feel, although they had heard me read the poem just before doing Let Your Light Shine. We did not decide anything in advance in this take either, the only thing I had decided was that I would use the words when singing.

Track 9. I Set the Sails (“Audio 9” in DiVA) For this song we did three takes and we chose the last one and I did lead vocals over again the second recording day. It was the first song we recorded, and it was the first song to be finished.

New Horizon This album is very different from our debut album Come Rain or Come Shine (2015), from the process of choosing the songs to writing the arrangements to the recording and editing process, and especially the finished result. For Come Rain or Come Shine I had decided that we would be making a tribute to Monica Zetterlund and Bill Evans album Waltz for Debby (1964) with all the songs included but in tailored arrangements for our group. Several of the arrangements were written before we even had formed a clear identity as a group though, i.e., they could have been written with almost any vocal quartet in mind. We recorded most of it live in the old Atlantis studio in Stockholm, which had a nice vintage sound to it, and added some vocals afterwards, all four of us singing together at the same time. The style is what could be called as traditional vocal jazz harmony singing with some elements of Swedish folk songs. Although we released it on the label Do Music Records, it was almost entirely financed by me and my business, and I was also the producer.

The process of this new album started with a specific idea from our drummer Calle Rasmusson, to do songs by Paul McCartney - an idea we felt had the potential to be both smart and compelling, since we had stated an intention to connect with a broader audience and to work towards a breakthrough on the international market. We already had decided to change our group dynamics to be more of a collective working together than a group with one leader, but we had also talked about working with a producer for the recording of the next album. It was a natural choice to have Calle as the producer since he came up with the idea but also since he was an integral part of our business having played in our band since inception. We had an extensive and collective process of choosing songs democratically before arriving at the final eleven. We had decided that we would each have one solo feature song that we were able to choose individually, and that the other songs should mostly feature the whole group, with shorter individual solo passages, as in most of our earlier arrangements. We came up with ideas for styles and grooves of the songs and shared them in a joint online folder. We wanted the arrangements to be written with us as a group and individual singers in mind and we decided on having several arrangers that would be working more together as a team. It was also a natural choice for us to ask Calle, who already was producing, Carl Bagge and myself. Both Calle and Carl play in our band, thus are very familiar with our group sound, and are working extensively as arrangers for big bands, orchestras, and theaters and for myself who has been writing for the group since inception with a strong idea of our voice.

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The sound of this album is much more modern, much due to the choice to record at Nilento studios which, according to Calle, provided a more high-tech sound compared to Atlantis’ vintage sound, where we recorded Come Rain or Come Shine (2015). Another aspect of the sound of the songs on the new album is the very large number of tracks used, with lots of overdubs, additional horn arrangements, guitars and much more. We recorded as much of the vocals as possible with all four of us but needed to do a fair amount of individual tracking too, of some of the songs.

The title of the album reflects our ambition to set new goals with a new sound and strong sense of direction. I am very much looking forward to the release, whenever it will happen.

The Exam Concert For my exam concert I had originally planned on performing one set with Stockholm Voices and one set as a soloist with my band. This would of course become impossible due to Maria’s treatment and placing most of our business with Stockholm Voices on hold. I instead decided on performing the set as a soloist with my band and to let the Stockholm Voices-part be represented by an interview or conversation about my process, which my supervisor Klas Nevrin had offered to do. We were going to talk about my master’s project as a whole, but more specifically the work with Stockholm Voices and we would also be joined by Jakob Sollevi from the group. The full concert is published as “Audio 10” in DiVA.

Since Jonas Kullhammar was unavailable for the date, I asked Fredrik Ljungkvist to play tenor saxophone instead. Otherwise, the band consisted of the same musicians as on the recording – Carl Bagge on piano, Svante Söderqvist on double bass and Daniel Fredriksson on the drums.

I am really happy I was able to perform the concert at all. The months before, I was reinfected with covid in February and shortly thereafter experienced another nasty cold that got into my lungs with a terrible cough resulting in horrible laryngitis. At the same time I also went through a heavy relapse of self-doubt and disbelief about my motivations and abilities. Coming out of it I wrote in my journal:

I prayed hard. I asked the universe for help. And I thought of my role models, what I feel when they perform - when I have been touched the most, when I see something I love, what is it that I am touched by? And most importantly, what is it that I want? And it struck me with a fiery energy in my solar plexus - I want to make a difference. I want to give... something. to help. Uplift. Make a change. I want to be a vessel for this light, this happiness. And this light, or happiness is not something you make or create. You just need to ALLOW it to shine through. You have to trust the process and that you yourself don't need to make anything happen. (March 24, 2022)

My voice cleared up only a week before the concert and I was so relieved I could make everything happen; I didn’t have to cancel!

I had decided we were going to perform the songs in the order I at that point had imagined them on the album, minus I Had a King which I left out due to lack of time both for rehearsals and what I felt would work best in the concert. I prepared thoroughly by practicing to “minus-one tracks” from the recording session, writing out what I was going to say between the songs, and doing a run-through of the concert by myself with the backing tracks, twice, the day before the concert. Being this prepared made all the difference.

I had a few key words that I, with the help of Christine, had worked out to write on my notes for the performance, and that was “open the mouth!”, “calm”, “I AM AMAZING, there is no time for anything else”. Clear and simple and very effective.

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My biggest goal for this concert was to be present and to really communicate the music and lyrics – letting my light shine, literally speaking, or “being in flow” as described by Csikszentmihalyi in his groundbreaking book “Flow – The Psychology of Optimal Experience” (1990). When I think of my experience during the concert, how I felt, and the response afterwards from the audience and my closest, I think this concert was a kind of a milestone. I felt present. I did not hold back; I did not close my eyes as a way of protection or distancing myself. I shared personal stories but did not get caught up in emotion and with the preparations I did I was really clear on the inner meanings of each song. I am really happy about all of this because it is something that I have longed for and even questioned whether I would be able to do. Some things occurred; some disturbing thoughts came up momentarily, but I managed to let them pass by like small clouds in the sky. Very gratifying. I think the interview or conversation with Klas and Jakob, after performing the music, went smoothly and was even helpful for me to clarify more of my motivations and what I have been doing in this project.

My whole work of making myself more aware of how I “project”, not only my voice but my whole expression has helped me to be more conscious, safe, and in control when singing. I still can “surprise myself” but I don’t feel I’m as reckless as I used to be. When you work with a mirror, you really must meet yourself. I have started to trust that what I have is worth sharing and that if I’m honest about it, people will also listen.

I am pleased that I found a way of incorporating “spoken word” into the concert when reciting the poem “Our Deepest Fear”, as I first had thoughts about doing for the recording of the song “Unraveling” but opted out of. There can be so much power in the spoken word, and this is something I think I will continue to explore.

4. Conclusion and the Journey to Come

So, what do I contribute with this work? How is what I’ve done artistic research? These are questions I have asked myself many times. As both Borgdorff (2006) and Arlander (2014) states, simply the intention to do research is important and that intention is of course implied within the master’s program. I have used specific methods, like self-reflection by using feedback loops using performative documentation and writing, when analyzing and structuring my work and drawing parallels to other areas for context to the topics.

Then, why would this be relevant or interesting for someone else? I know that I am not alone in having doubts, self-criticism, and self-judgments. My hope and what I would like to see, is for more people to talk about topics like these openly. We are not perfect as human beings, and I think we should never try to maintain any image of being so. I think that more people together will be able to lift each other up by honest sharing without judging themselves or other’s experiences. One of the things I hope for, at least partly, is to demystify jazz singing and voice education in showing that challenges does not necessarily mean failure and that you always have the possibility to develop your skills and artistry. For some musicians it is obvious what they want and need to work on in getting to where they want to be, and they almost magically find the right tools and solutions to expanding their playing by themselves. Others might need more help to discover the right solutions to move in their preferred direction. Age does not need to be an obstacle. The voice is such a mysterious instrument in the sense that it is often related to talent and the notion that either you got “it”, or you don’t. I hope to show that where you are is not set in stone, regardless of where you start, and often it’s about finding the right solutions, the right settings, to help you move forward.

In the context of my voice lessons, I have studied other singers and musicians in-depth, stepping into other’s musical dialects to set a feel for what resonates with my way of singing,

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and deepening my authenticity with the jazz tradition. I have challenged doubts, fears and old patterns and started to allow myself to be proud of and enjoy my progress and success. I have dealt with challenges and solved problems regarding my singing technique. I have continually and consciously asked myself “do I like this?” or “does this resonate with me and my intentions and goals?”, as a way of formulating and clarifying my aesthetics. Although I am still in the process of formulating and articulating them, this work has helped me to find a more profound identity as a singer, composer and performer.

The second research question in my purpose asks about what areas might be of importance to support, maintain and master when navigating between the way I use my voice as a soloist and ensemble singer. I found that I could divide that work into the categories my voice, my musicianship and my mind and mindset. If I were to single out the most important thing that I have found, for me, is to really hone my individual solo voice. Not only regarding technique, but my individual sound and expression. To be able to add “more person” or “vibe” as Lauren Kinhan put it in her interview (personal communication, June 4, 2021) I think you really must know or at least feel what you are adding or subtracting.

When it come to the physical voice, I have found a higher vocal freedom through working and solving the different problems that I have had. I still need and want to work on my vocal chops when it comes to durability, stamina, articulation, and continue my work on my sound, timbre and over all technical freedom. When I’m a solo artist, I choose completely different keys that will match more of my lower register compared to when I sing the soprano parts. This highly affects the way I sing and the sounds I am able to produce. I truly need to be mindful of not slipping back into a backseat kind of singing, because then the “good girl soprano” will take over. Although she has a part to play, at least in the songs with higher registers, she needs to relax and let the intention shine through. Not trying to make things happen, but allowing, releasing and letting them out.

During the recording session that will become the album Unraveling, Svante made the remark that he thought I had a distinct personality and style in my original music. He played the bass on my last solo album, Behind the Mask (Törnfeldt 2017) and from both there and my new compositions he could sense the same musical language (Söderqvist, personal communication, November 15, 2021). I thought it was interesting to hear that and I’m still thinking on what those personality traits are. I think it has something to do with the kind of harmonies and chord changes I often favor. Now, I did not have an intention to include composing in my research in the way that I didn’t think of specific methods on how to compose, although I share some reflections on how it can happen for me. However, I have found that writing my own original music is truly a crucial part of expressing myself as an artist.

For quite some time I have been consciously working with my thoughts and focus, in my everyday life. Learning to love oneself is a continuous but crucial work. To nourish the parts of your life that bring you energy and not get caught up in what might be lacking – to see possibilities rather than obstacles. I love the old myth or quote about the grandfather telling his grandson about the “two wolves”:

“One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’ The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’ The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’” ([The Two Wolves], n.d.)

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What Ifs I could have spoken with more people. I could have pursued the topics of comparing ensemble singing in jazz with ensemble singing in Swedish folk music, but I felt I had to draw the line at some point to not have too much data to work with. In her doctoral dissertation, Susanne Rosenberg (2013) who presented artistic research within that exact genre and area, did not write about, or contextualize her extensive work with improvisation, with any mention of jazz or other improvised music. I don’t mean to justify my choice with her choice, that was not at all the reason, which was to simply set boundaries for my work, but I think of it as worth mentioning anyway.

Since I was so locked in on writing about and working with Stockholm Voices, it made the process vulnerable to changes and unexpected circumstances. It would be interesting to pursue the idea for topics of ensemble singing I had intended for us to work with in the group, with other people and other groups and maybe also in more genres than jazz.

As I mentioned earlier in the purpose section, I could have, and probably should have, also interviewed Kim Nazarian who is the soprano in New York Voices and Cheryl Bentyne who is the soprano in The Manhattan Transfer. Since the parts of soprano and alto require different settings and usage of the voice due to the difference in registers, especially when you compare it with being a jazz soloist, I might have gotten even more interesting and valuable information possibly more similar with my own experiences, since I am the soprano in Stockholm Voices. The main reason I chose Janis and Lauren was because we already had established a connection when we were featured with Stockholm Voices in their online vocal festival Vocal Gumbo on April 30, 2021. After completing all the interviews and feeling they did not provide the specifics I had thought they would, and realizing that we did not have the time to try things out besides recording our album, I concluded that if I made one or two more interviews, I wouldn’t use them anyway. That is something I now regret; it would have been so interesting and valuable for me personally, to get input from both Kim Nazarian and Cheryl Bentyne on these topics. I hope to pursue this in an article or in some other form in the future.

Looking Forward One thing that I will explore is writing more arrangements of standard songs adapting them to my own style and expression. I still need to record that standard album! Not sure if it it’s going be “Not About Love”, but I will move forward with reinventing and deconstructing standards to make them fit my personal musical language and style. In my lesson with Rosana Eckert (personal communication, October 8, 2019), she provided a lot of great advice and feedback. “If you want to reach the jazz audience the repertoire needs to be unique.” (ibid.) She stressed the importance to give the jazz audience something they recognize but in your own style. Firstly, I will be very mindful when choosing these songs. To choose songs that I really connect with and what I want to say with my music. I still am in the process of discerning all of that. One other thing that Rosana remarked on, regarding my own music, was that she felt that I had a somewhat theatrical feel in both my style and my singing (ibid.), especially after hearing the title song of my second album Behind the Mask (Törnfeldt 2017). I received a similar response from some of my friends after my exam concert – they thought I had a presence and feel of musicals and that kind of storytelling in several of my songs. They told me they could also see me performing in a more directed kind of show. I found this intriguing and I’m inspired to pursue it further in the future, maybe working with a director in an even more put-together show. As I wrote in the Background, musicals are one of my guilty pleasures. It’s no surprise that the music you have kind of “bathed in” in your youth would shine through in one way or another. This is also true for my background in performing more experimental modern choir music.

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In her work with Kurbits Re:boot (2013), Susanne Rosenberg put together her own definition of the “style of Swedish folk singing” (in Swedish “sångstil”), where she compiled different characteristics and stated that together as a whole those could describe the style of Swedish folk singing (ibid. p.24). This made me think of, not to try to define elements of jazz singing in general16, but instead how I might try to define my own singing in a similar way. What would “my map” look like? This I have not had the time to do but I am seeing it as an interesting possibility for the future.

Final Words When we see someone on stage, of course we don’t want to see anybody failing or present something unfinished. What we present on stage is hopefully the best parts of us, those parts that make us shine – our perfect façade of sorts. By calling it a façade I don’t mean that it must be fake. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s the official you that you present to the world and in some way, like social media – it is only one or often very few sides of us that we display to other people in that context. However, we are so much more than that and I believe that for us to truly be able to present a shining façade in an authentic way, we need to acknowledge, accept and love even the parts of us that are not perfect, up to pair or living up to our expectations. Like Janis Siegel said “people feel when it’s not real or put on” (personal communication, June 4, 2021). I have practiced confidence and how to be confident. Not holding back and leaving at least a bit of the second guessing or questioning behind. Old, outdated structures in your mind can be replaced with something new and more beneficial! I try to acknowledge my doubts I still have around this work. Isn’t it kind of basic? Like, these are the things most singers and musicians do “in the shed”, things that I tell my students to do and how on earth have I not gotten further than this, and so on… I think that some things are just simple. I think there should not be any shame in rediscovering teachings you learnt a long time ago but with time maybe lost connection with. The key, I think, is to both accept where you are, at the same time as see the possibilities for development, without being discouraged. Regarding accepting where you are, I feel really inspired when reading the quote of Kurt Elling in an interview by Allen Morrison in Jazz Times, on Elling being very aware of both his limits and his abilities:

I think my gifts are that I am somewhat easy in front of an audience. That I intuitively know how to structure a performance for audiences.” … “But I sure wish I could sing better. Really better. If I could do what Bobby McFerrin does and know that much stuff! The intonation, the chordal information that he masters. Or if I could sing a bebop line like Jon [Hendricks] used to sing … oh my God! And it’s just because I haven’t really done the homework. I haven’t done enough to really master it yet. It’s my own fault. (Morrison 2020)

I think artistic research could have a potential to be a tool for artists taking control of the aesthetic judgments of, and in, a genre or form of music. Who decides what is good music? What is quality? Who decides and make the judgments of what becomes the norm? Is it the Grammy Awards, the Oscars, critics, record companies or the most regarded “cats”? An interesting parallel to make is about the discussion of even the usage of the term “jazz”,

______________ 16 The reason for this choice of mine is, firstly, that analyzing the aesthetics of traditional jazz singing in general is something that has already been done in other articles or dissertations, although I have not had the time and space to include them here. Secondly, jazz singing in a broader perspective, to me, is too diverse for it to be captured or summarized in that general or synoptically way.

31

where, from my understanding, the trumpet player Nicholas Payton has played a huge part, with his blog posts on the matter of “Black American Music”, which he feels would be a more correct term. His ideas on who should be making the judgments are the “cats”:

It used to be that masters like your Ray Browns or Art Blakeys decided who the next cats in line were. Now the media or institutions like Downbeat, Billboard, or NARAS are the arbiters — all of which are controlled by the supremacist structures. (Payton 2014).

I think this is an important matter to discuss and reflect on. What implications and impact does different power structures have and what happens when those power structures change? This is something we worked a lot with, in the organization IMPRA with the perspective of gender and equality, both in the jazz scene in Sweden as a whole but especially in education, but that is subject for another thesis or article.

Am I on the “level” I want to be on, as that I talked about in the beginning of the studies? Alas, no. Or maybe a bit! I feel I have just started scratching the surface of what I want to do or what I feel I might be capable of doing. An exciting thought! I have been starting to allow myself to step into my own power, letting my light shine, without a need for a specific outcome or knowing exactly where it will take me.

My hope is that this thesis will also be a testimony of someone living the expression “the more I know and learn, the more I realize that I know nothing”. There are always new things to learn, and you’ll never get it done. You have your strengths, and you have your weaknesses. Together they make up who you are. In the world of media and social media we are constantly presented with perfection, and this can really distort one’s self-perception. I sometimes totally and completely kick ass. I do. I shine and radiate love and upliftment. Sometimes I become pretentious, arrogant, overly proud and completely messed up.

I believe it is possible to be a creative artist who loves yourself and who creates without punishing oneself with doubts all the time. I sometimes hear friends and other musicians say that by being an artist, different levels of anxiety just come with the job, like it’s a built-in firmware of sorts, but I don’t want it to be, and I don’t think it has to be. Though, knowing that you strive for greater things, or have the feeling of not being quite content yet, is something else entirely for me, and is only a positive force of motivation.

Believing in yourself when other people don’t is not easy, but necessary. As freelance musicians it is something we obviously subject ourselves to constantly when booking gigs. An affirmation that has helped me is “it’s ok, they don’t know, yet”. Ultimately the issue is to really trust and believe that what you have got is as much of worth as what anyone else got, and to not give up, to go at it again and again for the next time, and the next.

I still don’t really love watching myself on video, but I feel a lot more comfortable now being in front of the camera and watching myself afterwards. What I do know is that I want to lift people up and help people to elevate. Whether it is in the context of performing, lecturing or teaching, that is my honest goal. I would like to end with some important and strong statements and conclusions so many others before me have made, that I now, too, have finally aligned with myself: No one else – not your friend, not an institution, not your boss, not your teacher or your role model – has the right to define who you are, only you can do that. No one else’s judgments of your playing, music or work, define who you are as an artist, only you can do that. And you certainly need to. You can, and are encouraged to, listen to, and carefully consider the opinions of others, but you always need to make an informed decision or choice based on your inner knowing of yourself. I see this as an ongoing process for sure, to rediscover or check in, to confirm alignment with your intentions and goals or if you indeed might need to set new ones that resonates more with who you have become.

32

Now when finishing the thesis, I feel I have had written a considerable amount on the subject. It’s time to put the words into practice and just do it! To sing, practice, work, rehearse, record, release albums – meet the audience. Go out there. Letting my light shine.

33

References

Articles and Dissertations Arlander, Anette (2014). “On methods of artistic research” in Method − Process − Reporting:

Articles, Reviews and Reports of the ongoing development on Artistic Research. AR Yearbook 2014 Swedish Research Council (ed. Torbjörn Lind); p. 26-39.

Bastian, Robert W. (n.d.) Diplophonia. In Laryngopedia. Retrieved April 21, 2022, from https://laryngopedia.com/diplophonia/

Borgdorff, Henk (2006). “The Debate on Research in the Arts” in Sensuous Knowledge: Focus on Artistic Research and Development 2, p. 7-28. Bergen National Academy of the Arts.

Carlman, Maria (2018). More and More of Less and Less. [Master thesis] Royal College of Music in Stockholm.

Cirillo, Francesco (2018). The Pomodoro Technique : The Life-Changing Time-Management System. Virgin Books.

Complete Vocal Institute (2019). Flageolet. In CVT Research Site. Retrieved May 16, 2022, from https://cvtresearch.com/flageolet/

Morrison, Allen (2020). Kurt Elling & Danilo Pérez Share the Secrets of Collaboration. Jazz Times. Retrieved May 16, 2022, from https://jazztimes.com/features/profiles/kurt-elling-danilo-perez-share-secrets-collaboration/2/

Nevrin, Klas (2019). Manual for Degree Project Master Jazz. Royal College of Music in Stockholm. (Unpublished document)

Rosenberg, Susanne (2013). Kurbits-ReBoot : svensk folksång i ny scenisk gestaltning. [Doctoral dissertation at the Sibelius Academy in Helsinki and the Royal College of Music in Stockholm] Published by the Royal College of Music in Stockholm.

Sadolin, Cathrine (2009) Komplett sångteknik (in English: Complete Vocal Technique). Shout Publishing.

Törnfeldt, Gunilla (2008). Genus i jazzundervisning. [Graduate dissertation] Royal College of Music in Stockholm.

Varga, S. & Guignon, C. (2020). Authenticity. In E. N. Zalta (Ed.) in The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Spring 2020 ed.). Stanford University. Retrieved April 21, 2022 from https://plato.stanford.edu/archives/spr2020/entries/authenticity/

Wistbacka, G.; Andrade, P.A.; Simberg, S.; Hammarberg, B.; Södersten, M.; Svec, J.G.; Granqvist, S.; (2018). Resonance Tube Phonation in Water – the Effect of Tube Diameter and Water Depth on Back Pressure and Bubble Characteristics at Different Airflows. Journal of Voice, Volume 32. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jvoice.2017.04.015

Zangwill, Nick (2001). Aesthetic Judgment. In E. N. Zalta (Ed.) in The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Winter 2021 ed.). Stanford University. Retrieved April 21, 2022 from https://plato.stanford.edu/archives/win2021/entries/aesthetic-judgment/

Books Chapman, Janice L. (2012). Singin and Teaching Singing : A Holistic Approach to Classical

Voice (Second Edition). Plural Publishing. San Diego. Csikszentmihalyi, Mihály (1990). Flow : The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Harper

Collins.

34

Eckert, Rosana (2018). Singing with Expression : A Guide to Authentic & Adventurous Song Interpretation. Hal Leonard.

Estill, J., McDonald Klimek, M. & Steinhauer, K. (2017). The Estill Voice Model: Theory and Translation. Estill Voice International.

Sadolin, Cathrine (2009) Komplett sångteknik (Complete Vocal Technique). Shout Publications. Copenhagen.

Spradling, Diana (2007). Jazz Singing : Developing Artistry and Authenticity. Edmonds, WA: Sound Music Publications.

Williamson, Marianne (1992). A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles. Harper Collins Publishers.

Records and Recordings Asplund, Peter (1999). Melos. [Album] SITTEL. Parlato, Gretchen (2011). Winter Wind. From The Lost and Found. [Song] ObliqSound. Stockholm Voices (2015). Come Rain or Come Shine. [Album] Do Music Records. Törnfeldt, Gunilla (2009). A Time for Everything. [Album] Sonorous Music. Törnfeldt, Gunilla (2017). Behind the Mask. [Album] Sonorous Music. Wheeler, Kenny (1990). Music for Small and Large Ensembles. [Album] ECM Records. Zetterlund, M. & Evans, B. (1964). Waltz for Debby. [Album] Philips Records.

Internet [The Two Volves]. (n.d.) Retrieved May 16, 2022, from

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/6879503-one-evening-an-old-cherokee-told-his-grandson-about-a

Payton, Nicholas (2014) Black American Music and the Jazz Tradition. [Blogpost] Retrieved May 16, 2022, from https://nicholaspayton.wordpress.com/2014/04/30/black-american-music-and-the-jazz-tradition/

Stockholm Voices. (2021, February 26) Stockholm Voices. [Video] Konserthuset Play. Retrieved March 20, 2021, from https://www.konserthuset.se/play/stockholm-voices

Stockholm Voices and Blue House Jazz Orchestra. (2021, October 29). Happy Days are Here Again. [Video] Konserthuset Play. Retrieved March 18, 2022, from https://www.konserthuset.se/play/happy-days-are-here-again/ 1h24min into the concert.

The Tapping Solution. (2022). What is Tapping? Retrieved on May 16, 2022, from https://www.thetappingsolution.com

Törnfeldt, Gunilla [@gunillajazz]. (2021, November 30) I wrote this new song last year in the beginning of the pandemic. [Video] Instagram. Retrieved April 18, 2022, from https://www.instagram.com/p/CUdCec-FcU3/

UNT (2022). Rosana Eckert. University of North Texas College of Music. Retrieved May 16, 2022, from https://music.unt.edu/faculty-and-staff/rosana-eckert

Mobile apps Mindvalley (2022). Mindvalley: Self Improvement (Version 7.1.0). [Mobile app] App Store.

Mindvalley LLC. The Tapping Solution. (2022). The Tapping Solution (Version 3.9). [Mobile app] App Store.

The Tapping Solution, LLC.

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Appendix 1. Exercises for Improvisation – Presented at the

International Jazz Voice Conference in Helsinki 2015

To improvise on the song, not only on the changes

• A simple concept of exercises based on the lyrics of a chosen song

• The exercises can be used as a way of distracting the mind from perfectionism and performance hang-ups

• Use the lyrics to focus the direction of phrases and communicating the music

• Having fun and play with words!

To get the most out of the exercises you have to choose a song you know, or learn a song, by heart.

Step 1: Focus on the rhythm, create your own variations, while speaking the lyrics in time with different shiftings of rhythm

Step 2: Apply step 1 as you sing/play the original written melody - the exact same notes that are written - but create your own rhythmic variations and shiftings

Step 3: Turn things around and now use the original written rhythm of the phrases, but sing/play your own melodies

Step 4 - main exercise - combine step 2 & 3:- Play or sing with lyrics, or scat an improvisation with the lyrics in mind.

- Create both your own melodies and rhythmic shiftings, but use only the equivalent amount of notes as there are syllables in the lyrics.

- No embellishments or melismas are allowed…

© Gunilla Törnfeldt, 2015

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Benefits- Improvise more on the song, not only on the changes

- Play or sing fewer notes - refine your playing, no need to add superflous notes by habit

- Be challenged to go in new directions

- Practice the use of breaks

- Play or sing more melodic phrases

- Play or sing more concise phrases

- Dig deeper into a song

- Form awareness!

Suggestions- Different levels of difficulty depends on the difficulty of the song - the

changes and/or the meter

- Most standards songs work well, avoid those that changes the key or the tonal center a lot if you work with step 2

- Use different grooves or tempos, though perhaps not to slow

- Songs with pick-up bars are fun and helpful to use when shifting phrases

- Choose songs with not too scarce lyrics, too few words – we need something to work with

- Difficulties in creating your own rendition? Stuck with the melody? Go back to step 1 – working with just shiftings of the rhythm – and apply again to step 4

- Use step 4 – the main exercise – as a check-up on how well you know a song and/or to pin-point areas that maybe need a bit more of attention

- Have fun!

www.gunillatornfeldt.com

© Gunilla Törnfeldt, 2015

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Appendix 3: Lyrics for the Original Songs on Unraveling

Time to Change (Lyrics & Music: Gunilla Törnfeldt) Mother Earth have been calling We haven’t listened Mother Earth have been warning We kept ignoring Mother Earth have been crying We turned away Time to feel, repent, reflect Time to heal, to help, respect Time to give, to care, connect Time to Change Mother Earth have been trying We have been failing Mother Earth keep on sighing They keep on lying Mother Earth will be dying We share the blame Time to rise, react, protest Time to fight, to beat the pest Time to wake up those possessed Time to See Mother Earth never scold you But she implore you Mother Earth always told you She will adore you Mother Earth will restore you Walking ashore Time to build, combine, entwine Time to bridge, unite, align Time to meet, to read the sign Time to Grow Time to live, forgive, forget Time to soothe and not to fret Time to claim our path and get Time to Love

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Remorse (Lyrics: Gunilla Törnfeldt, Music: Mattias Windemo) Always thought I finally would come to some conclusion Never guessed I’d cross the same typical illusion Wanting far too much I never can explain Sending out my cry of shame Hoping it would reach you

Strong For You (Lyrics & Music: Gunilla Törnfeldt) Looking at the clock Counting all the seconds Holding back the tears If only there was something I could do Wish you didn’t have to go through this at all But it’s beyond my control When you wake up I’ll hold your hand Then in my arms You’ll finally land And rest With your head on my chest When your pain is too much I fight for you to get relief I do whatever I can, Whatever it takes I can see your strain I can feel your pain I break inside but have to stay strong for you If I didn’t know what it felt like to be powerless before Then I know now how it feels forevermore

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Unraveling (Lyrics & Music: Gunilla Törnfeldt) In my weakest time I found peace of mind without you In my darkest night Still knew it was right to leave you Won’t go back again ’Bout time we hit the end Still keep grasping all I went through When you still couldn’t make up your mind I made up my mind for you The summer from hell came crashing down And everything inside me felt like I would drown ’Cause eventually the bubble breaks Eventually the truth will out Maybe not pretty, but honest, clear and pure Spilling to the point when you know there is no more It was the spark to set you free It was the chance for you And the chance for me To not live in a lie, to find something new, something true Something honest and sincere To not live in the delusion of what I hoped it could be You deceived me You hurt me You lied to me And I hurt you back To the point when we knew That every crack Was broken beyond repair I couldn’t breathe I was left without air I’m not ashamed, I’m not the one to be But I don’t share the truth with everyone I see I don’t want it to define me I want to leave it, erase it, I want to move on Patiently running my own marathon To be the best I can for the sake of our son What you did was not ok But now it’s water under bridges anyway In my weakest time I find peace of mind when I Forgive you

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I Set the Sails (Lyrics & Music: Gunilla Törnfeldt I set the sails! And I’m not looking back to what’s left in the past, Bring it on, bring it fast, ’cause I’m ready to go. I’m gonna mend the cracks and fix the tails and take the rudder back again, Light the fire, set a new course, time and time again! I built this boat, I don’t need to be rescued, I captain my ship. Don’t care what might have been when I have lit the fire deep within.