HowtoAnalyzePeopleProvenTechniquestoAnalyzePeopleonSightandReadAnyoneLikeaBook;SimpleTrickstoUnderstandtheHumanMindandMaster

HumanPsychologyBy:AllanGoldman

LegalnoticeThisbookiscopyright(c)2017byAllanGoldman.Allrightsarereserved.Thisbookmaynotbeduplicatedorcopied,eitherinwholeorinpart,viaanymeansincludinganyelectronicformofduplicationsuchasrecordingortranscription.Thecontentsofthisbookmaynotbetransmitted,storedinanyretrievalsystem,orcopiedinanyothermannerregardlessofwhetheruseispublicorprivatewithoutexpresspriorpermissionofthepublisher.Thisbookprovidesinformationonly.Theauthordoesnotofferanyspecificadvice,includingmedicaladvice,nordoestheauthorsuggestthereaderoranyotherpersonengageinanyparticularcourseofconductinanyspecificsituation.Thisbookisnotintendedtobeusedasasubstituteforanyprofessionaladvice,medicalorofanyothervariety.Thereaderacceptssoleresponsibilityforhowheorsheusestheinformationcontainedinthisbook.Undernocircumstanceswillthepublisherortheauthorbeheldliablefordamagesofanykindarisingeitherdirectlyorindirectlyfromanyinformationcontainedinthisbook.

TableofContentsIntroductionChapter1–LearnYourselftoLearnAboutOthersKnowingYourselfYouwillbecomeself-awareYouwillappearmoreconsiderateYouwillbecomemoreempatheticYouwillappearmoreintelligentYouwillalwaysbepreparedYouwillfindmoresuccess,whereveryoulookAnalyzingYourselfFindingyourstrengthsandweaknessesAguidetoself-analysisbasicsOtherwaysofanalyzingyourselfUsefivewordstodescribeyourselfWritedownyourcorevaluesConsideryourmostmemorablechildhoodexperiencesWriteyourstory

EffectivelyAnalyzingOthersPeopleYouDon’tKnowVersusThoseThatYouDoTheThreeFundamentalFactorsofPracticalPsychologyApplyingThisKnowledgeinYourOwnLifeChapter2—UsingOurBodiestoCommunicateTheSignificanceofBodyLanguageinDeterminingSomeone’sEmotionsElementsthatImpactBodyLanguageRestrictionsProxemicsOculesicsStanceandCarriageWhatYourUpperBodyIsCommunicatingWhattheArmsandHandsAreTellingYouWhattheLegsandFeetAreSayingToWhatExtentCanWeControlorFakeOurBodyLanguage?AspectsoftheFaceObviousandSubtleExpressionsReviewAnswers

Chapter3–OutwardPersonalityCharacterizationAspectsAnalyzingversusJudgingWhatYouSeeWhatYouHearWhatTheyListenToHabitualBehaviorsWhoTheyInteractWithProximityChapter4:UnderstandingVerbalCommunicationPitchSpeechPatternsFillersandPronounsTheSignificanceofSwearsSummary

Chapter5—TheSixBasicHumanNeedsTheSixBasicHumanNeedsTheFourPrimalNeedsTheTwoSpiritualNeedsHowaretheNeedsPrioritized?ExerciseWorkedExampleScenarioOneScenarioTwoStrangerorFriendWhenPeopleUseNegativeMethodsWhatisaNeedsAddiction?

Chapter6 —Values,Beliefs,andAttitudesBeliefsValuesAttitudesBeliefs,Attitudes,ValuesandtheRelationtoSixHumanNeedsApplyingyourBeliefs,Attitudes,Values,andNeedsBottomLinesFollowthrough&PracticalUseChapter7 —TransactionalAnalysis,theThreeEgo-States,andtheStrokeEconomyTransactionalAnalysisParentChildAdult

BerneandFreudIdentifyingtheStatesAssessingtheStatesinActionSituationsExplainedComplementaryvs.CrossedTransactionalSituationsSituationalExamplesExampleOneExampleTwoExampleThreeExampleFourRealLifeApplicationPuttingTheorytoUseTheImportanceofScriptsCaseStudy —ClaireTheStrokeEconomyThe5RulesThatWillMakeYouMiserableStrokeEconomyinActionAnAlternativeWayRealWorldUseSituationOneSituationTwoSituationThreeSituationFourAManUnderaMicroscopeCasestudy —BillyChapter8:WhatIstheDramaTriangle?HowtheConceptCametoBeSo,WhatUseDoesItHave?ThePersecutorTheVictimTheRescuerThePersecutorTheVictimTheRescuer

HowtheDramaTriangleLooksLikeinPracticeWhatDoWeGatherfromThisDiscussion?TryThisYourself!

WhatIstheWinner’sTriangle?Assertive

VulnerableCaring

WhatDoWeGainOutofThis?HowtheWinner’sTriangleLooksLikeinPracticeSarahNigelBrenda

Chapter9EvaluatingindividualsintheworkplaceImagesandperceptionsSmilesandgoodcheerReadyacknowledgementThegroupmentalityOstracizedbycoworkersPersonalorprofessionalRefusaltomakeeyecontactSpeakingtoanaudienceEvaluatethepersonyouworkforCharacteristicsofabossThecapabilitiesofyourbossWhatmotivatesyourbossThefocusisonyouTheinterviewisstructuredComposureandwarmthFullattentiononyouNegativeorpositiveremarksImpressiveenvironmentSummingupChapter10AssessingromanticlinksExaminingthebeginningReadandanalyzethesignsHowdotheytreatothers?Howdotheyrespondtochallenges?Howistheirannoyanceexpressed?Dotheytalkorlisten?SummingupChapter11—Cutting-EdgeTechniquesTinyandInconspicuousSignsMinutebutImportantTheImportanceofWords

EasyWaytoAssessPersonalityTypeToSumUpToConclude

IntroductionDoyoufinditdifficulttounderstandwhypeopledothethingsthattheydo?Isitimpossibletounderstandwhatmakesyourkidstick?Doyouwanttohavemoresuccessatwork?Doyourpeopleskillsneedsomework?Areyouinneedofsomehelpwhenitcomestoromance?Whateverreasonhasmadeyousearchyouforsomeextraknowledge,thisbookisheretohelpyou!

Thekeytosuccessinthisworldiscommunicationandinordertobegoodatcommunicatingyouneedtohavegoodcomprehension.Inthisbook,wewillmakeunderstandingpeopleeasybylookingatarangeoftheoriesthatwillhelpyoudecodewhatpeoplearereallysaying.You’llbeabletobetterunderstandpeople,thereasonsbehindtheirbehavior,andhowtogetalongbetterwithpeople.

However,wehaveawordofwarningabouttheknowledgeinthisbook:youwillunderstandyourselfevenbetteronceyouhavefinishedreadingthisbook.

Theprinciplesthatwillbecoveredinthisbookapplytoanytypeofrelationship,butwewillbeginwithanalyzingpeoplethatyou’vejustmetorjuststartedmeetingregularly.Asyoulearnmoreaboutbodylanguages,wewillworkourwaythroughdifferentrelationshipsandhowtounderstandsubtlecuesthatpeoplehave.

Attheendofthis,youwillbeabletoanalyzesomeonefromtheirtastes,habits,andappearance.Youwillalsogothroughthesixhumanneeds,beliefs,andvalues.Toroundoutthisexperience,youwillalsogettolearnsomecommontheoriesfrompsychologyandpsychotherapy.Thesetheorieswillhelpyoubetterunderstandwhatdrivesthepeoplearoundyou.

Thisbookissetupsoeverychapterisanicebitofinformationwithan‘ExerciseandPracticalApplication’followingeachtopic.Thislittlesectionwillhelpyouunderstandthetopicwithexercises,actions,orsomethingtothinkabout.Itwillhelpyoufindawaytoapplywhatyou’velearnedinyourreallife.You’reontracktowardsafuturewhereyou’llbeabletosuccessfullyreadanyoneyouruninto!

Chapter1–LearnYourselftoLearnAboutOthersInthischapter,wewillbecoveringthefollowingtopics:

1.Understandingyourselfsothatyoucanunderstandthosearoundyou

2.Outliningwhatwecanusetounderstandpeoplearoundus

3.Howdifferentapproachescanbeuseddependingonhowwellyouknowaperson.

4.Thethreeelementsofpracticalpsychology.

KnowingYourselfIfyouwanttobeabletoreallyunderstandothers,thenyouhavetostartbyunderstandingyourself.Thisbetterunderstandingofyourselfwillallowyoutounderstandhowinternalprocessesworkforyourselfandforothers.Understandingthatsomeinsecuritieswillchangethewaywebehavewillhelpusrealizethatthisistrueofothers.Youwillbebetterabletounderstandthewaythataninsecurityshowsitselfthroughself-effacingbodylanguageandlackofeyecontact.Allbodylanguageisanexpressionofanunderlyingself-belief.

Thematerialinthisbookwillbeapplicabletoyouonanintrospectivelevelasmuchasitwillbeaboutunderstandingothersbetter.Ifyoufindthatyouarestrugglingtounderstandother’sbehaviors,thenyoumayjusthaveproblemsunderstandingyourowninternalprocesses.Learningtoseetheseprocesses’outwardexpressionswillallowyoutostartreallyunderstandingyourself.Youwillhavetobeabletocometotermswithsomeofyourownfears,insecurities,andprejudicesifyoureallywanttounderstandothers.

Ifyoudon’ttrytoseeyourownactions,thenanythingyouseeaboutotherpeopleswillcomethroughthelensofyourfears,insecurities,andprejudiceswithoutanyconsciousthoughtonyourpart.Thiswillbeafalseimageandwillmakeunderstandingothersevenmoredifficult.

Beingabletounderstandyourselfwillalsoallowyoutoseetheeffect(directorindirect)youhaveonthosearoundyou.Understandingwhatkindofeffectyouarehavingwilldependonhowwellyoucanseeyourself.Itwillalsodependonyoursignificancetothatperson,howyoucommunicate,andhowyoupresentyourself.Allthesethingswillchangehowthepeopleyouinteractwithbehave.

Forexample,ifyouactstern,formalandinadisciplinedmanner,thenthose

aroundyouwilladjusttheircommunicationstyletosuithowyouact.Ifyoubehavehappilyandwithalotoflaughter,thiswillchangehoweveryoneelseactsinadifferentway.

Gettingahandleonanalyticalskillswillbenefiteverypartofyourlife;itwon’tmatterifyou’reusingthoseskillsatworkorinyourromanticrelationship.Itwilltakealotofwork,especiallyforthosethatarenotnaturallyanalytical,butitcanimprovesomuchthatit’sworthit.Youwillbeabletoalterhowyoulookatyourselfandimprovehowyouconnectwithothers.Buttherearemanyotherreasonswhyanalyzingpeoplewillbeabenefitintheend.

Youwillbecomeself-awareAnanalyticalperson(we’llabbreviatethisto“AP”fortherestofthebook)doesn’tmeanthatyouonlytakethetimetoanalyzeotherpeople.Inthebeginning,youwillbeanalyzingyourself.Thisself-analysiswillallowyoutobemoreawareofyourownemotionsandlessconfusedaboutthewayyoufeel.Thismaymakesomeofyouractionsmoreexplainabletoyou.

Thosethatareself-awarefindthatit’slessofachallengetoturnnegativethoughtsintopositivethoughts,toadjusthowtheyviewthemselves,toacceptthemselves,andtolivehonestly.Gettingtoknowyourselfwillallowyoutotrulylivegenuinelyandhappilywithothers.

YouwillappearmoreconsiderateAnAPwillusealotoftimeenergyunderstandingthepeoplearoundthem.MostAPsaremotivatedbyadesiretobeatpeacewiththosearoundthem.Thismotivationandtheoutcomeareappreciatedbythepeoplearoundthem.

BecauseanAPwillbetakingthattimetounderstandwhatothersarefeelingandrespondinginanappropriateway,they’lllookevenmoreconsiderate.TheAPcouldbeabossthatisunderstandingwhenanemployeeneedsamentalhealthday.TheAPcouldalsobeafriendthatwillsitonthephoneforalongtimetoworkthroughatoughsituation.AnAPwillbesomeonethatotherswillknowtheycanrelyon.

YouwillbecomemoreempatheticDuringyouranalyzingofemotionsandpersonality,youwillprobablystartconsideringwhypeoplearefeelingandbehavingthisway.AnAPwilllookatallthereasonswhysomeoneisupsetorwithdrawnoruncomfortable.Understandingthemotivationsbehindthemoodchangesisthekeytoempathy.

AnAPwillbeabletoputthemselvesinotherpeople’sshoestoreallyunderstandwhypeoplearefeelingwhattheyfeel.Empathyisanextremelyimportantpersonalitytrait.It’sespeciallyusefulinprofessionalandpersonalsettings.

YouwillappearmoreintelligentTypically,themoreanalyticalaperson,thesmartertheyare.AnAPisobservantandremembersmanyofthepeopleandthingsthattheyseeintheirenvironment.Thisobservantnaturemakesthemappearintelligentduringaconversation,evenifit’snotnecessarilyanintellectualconversation.AnAPwillbeabletorecallinformationfrompreviousconversationsandaskquestionsthatwillmakeanAPappearasiftheyareeducatedabouttheprofession.Analyticalstudentsrememberlecturesandconversationswithteacherseasily.Thisobservanceisoftenmetwithbettergradesandbetterimpressions.

YouwillalwaysbepreparedAPsarethekindofpeoplethathatebeingunprepared.Iftheyarelateormissdeadlines,theymightfeelanxiousbecausetheyknowhowthesethingswillaffectothers.APsaretypicallyearlytomeetings,finishtheirworkaheadofschedule,andtheytakethetimetoplanfundatesoutinadvance.BeingpreparedforwhattheworldmighthandthemmakesanAPfeellikelifeisslightlylessstressful.

Youwillfindmoresuccess,whereveryoulookPerhapsthebiggestbenefitofbeinganAPishowyouwillsucceedwhenitcomestothingslikeschool,work,andrelationships.Theabilitytoanalyzemakesyoumoreempathetic,considerate,anddependable.Thosetraitsaregreatforeveryrelationship.You’llbeeasytolikeforpeoplethatjustrunintoyouonthestreet.Beingabletoremembersomuchandbeingpreparedforsomuchwillhelpyoukeepahandleonthingsinworkandschool.Youwillbeviewedasareliableandintelligentmemberoftheteam.Peoplewillwantyoutobeworkingwiththem.

AnalyzingYourselfBeforeyoueventryanalyzingotherpeople,youwillfindithelpfultoanalyzeyourself.Tryingtoanalyzeyourselfwillbemucheasierthantryingtoanalyzeothersinthebeginning.Youwon’thavetoguessaboutyourthoughtsandfeelings.Thosearereadilyavailabletoyou.

Thebiggeststumblingblockwhenitcomestoanalyzingyourselfisbeingableto

understandandfigureoutwhyyouarefeelingandthinkingthewaythatyouare.Thehonestythatitwilltaketogetyoutoreallyanalyzeyourselfmightevenbepainful.However,onceyouareabletoanalyzeyourself,you’llbeabletoseeyourstrengths,yourweaknesses,andtherootsofyouremotions.

FindingyourstrengthsandweaknessesBeginningself-analysismayseemdaunting,butitwillbesimplesttostartwiththinkingaboutyourstrengthsandweaknesses.Yourstrengthsareanythingyou’re‘good’at,anythingthatcomesnaturally,anythingyoulikeaboutyourself,andanythingotherslikeaboutyou.

Thecorporateworld,inparticular,fellinlovewithstrengths.It’squiteeasynowtofindquizzesandothermethodsfordiscoveringwhatyourstrengthsmightbe.Amongthesetraitsarethingslike‘adaptability,’beingabletoeasilyacceptchangeandliveinthemoment,and‘harmony,’tryingtokeepthepeacebyfindingcommongroundorcompromising.Thesekindsoftermswillnotfullydescribeaperson,butifyou’rebeginning,thenthey’reaperfectplacetostart.

Whenitcomestoweaknesses,youmightactuallyfindthiseasiertofigureout.Therearealmostalwaysthingsaboutourselvesthatwedislike.Aweaknessissomethingthatwestrugglewith.Itcouldbethatyou’renotthebestlistenerorthatyouoftentalkoverpeopleorofferadvicethatisn’tneeded.Itcouldbethatyou’reforgetfulanddisorganized.Regardlessofwhatyourweaknessesactuallyare,youneedtomakesurethatyouaren’ttoohardonyourself.Reflectingonyourweaknessesisaverytoughandvulnerableexperience.Yourweaknessesdon’thavetostopyoufromlivingthelifethatyouwant.Inthispartofself-analysis,youneedtobeopenandhonestwithyourselfbutremainhopefulaboutthefuture.

Aguidetoself-analysisbasicsTheanalyticalprocesswilllookdifferentforsomepeople.Somepeoplewillrequireajournalornotebookduringtheprocess.Writingthingsdownhelpspeopleremembertheirlist,butitalsohelpspeopleprocessinformation.Recordingemotionsandresponseswillallowyoutotakeastepbackandlookatthelargerviewofyourlife.

Whenitcomestothispart,youwillwantanotebookorjournalthatyoureallylikeaswellasareliablepen.Thebestwaytodothisistowritealittlebeforegoingtobed.Thisstepallowsyoutoprocesstheeventsoftheday.Thenyouwilltakethenextstepofpayingattentiontoyourthoughtsandreallycommitting

tothat.Thoughtsareoftenautomaticandevenmoreoftenoutofyourcontrol.Whenyouexperienceorseesomething,thenyouwillthinkaboutit.

Insteadoflettingthethoughtsleaveyourheadunnoticed,youwillneedtoreallyconsiderthem.Therewillbeeventsandthingsthattriggerpositivethoughts,andothersthattriggernegativethoughts.Anythingyoudiscoveraboutyourselfshouldbewrittendowninyourjournal.

Thenextstepistoconsiderhowyouperceiveothers.Thisisn’taboutanalyzingpeoplequiteyet,butabouthowyourespondtothepeoplearoundyou.You’llbelookingathowyoureactwhenpeoplearelateandthenreflectingonit.Perhapsyou’lldiscoverthatyouperceivelatenessasalackofcaring.Thosepeoplethatarelatemaymakeyouupset.You’llbelookingtodigdowndeepandtrytofigureoutwhyyouthinkthat.Perhapsitwasalessonfromyourparentsorasymptomoflowself-esteem.

Goingthestepdeeperwillhelpyoudiscovertherootsofyouremotions,butitdoesn’thavetobeonlyaboutthenegatives.Youmighttrytoanalyzeeventslikereceivingflowers.Ifyou’retrulyjoyfulaboutit,thenperhapsyourlovelanguageisgifts.Thistellsyouthatyoureceivegiftsfrompeople,youfeelmoreappreciatedthaniftheyweretodootherthingsforyou.Thisknowledgemighthelpyouwithyourrelationships.

There’safinalstepinthisguidetoself-analysis.Youhavetoalsorespectyourbodyandthephysicalresponsesyouhavetotheenvironment.Yourbodymightreacttothingsbeforeyourminddoes,suchasinthecaseofpanicattackswhereyouwillhaveanincreasedheartbeat,sweating,andamyriadofothersymptoms.Youmightfeelthephysicalsensationsbeforerealizingthatanattackishappening.Identifywhattriggersyourphysicalreactionsandtrytofigureoutthoseresponsesaswell,eveniftheytakeyouintothepast.

OtherwaysofanalyzingyourselfThereareevenmorewaysoflookingatyourself.Youmighttryanyofthefollowing.

UsefivewordstodescribeyourselfThisrelativelyquickexercisewillforceyoutothinkaboutkeyadjectives.You’llfindthatwordslike“ambitious”and“compassionate”arefullofmeaningandmighthelpyoufindapathtounderstandingyourselfbetter.Remembertotrytostaypositive.

WritedownyourcorevaluesYourcorevaluesarethecodebywhichyouliveyourlife.Thesetraitswillbewhatyoustrivetobeandwhatyouadmireinotherslikeintegrity,intelligence,honesty,etc.Knowingyourvalueswillhelpyouunderstandwhyandhowyoureactthewayyoudo,aswellaswhatmotivatesyou.

ConsideryourmostmemorablechildhoodexperiencesOurchildhoodsareextremelyinfluentialonouradultselves.Gettingtotherootofyourselfwillofteninvolvelookingintoourchildhood.Useyourjournaltojotdownyourexperiences(positiveornegative)andconsiderhowtheystillaffectyou.

Ifyouhadastrictparentandwasseverelypunishedforbreakingrules,thenyoumightstillbeafraidofbreakingrulesasanadult.

WriteyourstoryThissomewhatvagueexercisecantaketime,butthat’sjustfine.Thisexerciseisparticularlygoodifyoupreferwrittencommunication.Yourstoryistheessenceofwhoyouare.Itwillconsistofalltheexperiencesthatdefineyou.Youcanwritedowntheseexperienceschronologically,orevenjustwritewhatcomestomindfirst.Thisexercisedoesn’thavea‘rightway’tobedone.Don’tevenworryaboutthewritingbeingperfect,justwritedownwhatyouneedtowrite.

Ifyoustrugglewithcomingupwithideas,thenhere’salistofsuggestedtopics:

Parents

Relationshipswithsiblings

Highschoolexperiences

Collegeexperiences

Firstjob

Firstlove

Howyouandyourbestfriendmet

Favoritebooks

Yourbucketlist

Yourgreatestfears

Yourperfectday

EffectivelyAnalyzingOthersItisimportanttobeabletonotethedifferencesinhowyouactandcommunicatewiththedifferentpeopleinyourlifetorecognizehowyouractionsandmannerismsaffectthosepeople.Somenotablepeopleinyourlifemaybeanyofthoseofthefollowing:

YoursignificantotherIfapplicable,yourchildrenYourbossAteacherthatyoumaybestruggledwiththemostYourparentsApersonthatyoumaynotclickwithYourclosestfriends

Youshouldnoticeandcontemplatehowthevaryingbehaviorofallofthesedifferentpeopleaffectshowyoumakeyourselfappeartothemthroughyourownactions.Agoodwaytopracticethisistothinkabouthowothersmayconsideryouintheirlivesandhowthatcausesthemtobehavearoundyou,perhapsinadifferentwaythanaroundotherpeople.

PeopleYouDon’tKnowVersusThoseThatYouDo

Itisprobablyobviousthathowwellyouknowsomeone(orhowwellyouwanttogettoknowthem)greatlyaffectshowyouseeandbehavetowardsthem.Yourdistancefromorclosenesswithsomeonerelationship-wisewilldefinewhatyouhavetoconsiderwhenobservingboththeirandyourbehaviorwheninteractingwiththem.Thiswillalsoeventuallyhelpyoudeterminehowyouwillusetheseinsightstobetterinterpretwhattheyarecommunicatingtoyou.Tobetterelaborateonthisconcept,fourexamplesareexplainedbelow:

1.)Uponinitiallymeetingsomeone,youwonderiftheyareattractedtoyou.Youareinterestedinthem,butwishtogettoknowthembetterbeforeyouexpressthistothem.Yourinterpersonalrelationshipwiththematthistimeisrecentandsuperficial.Additionally,youwanttobesurethatyouarecorrectlyinterpretingtheirsignalsbeforeyouexpressyourfeelingsinthecasethatthefeelingisnotmutual.Withyourfirstencounterswiththisperson,you’llbepayingattentiontohowtheycarrythemselvesaround

you,theirbodylanguage,howtheyspeak,andeventheirpreferences.Youprobablywon’tgetinformationatfirstsuchastheirprevioushistorywithrelationships,butitispossibletobeabletosubtlyacquiredetailsinyourfirstfewconversationsthatyoucanuselaterontodetermineifandhowyou’llact.2.)Youhaveaninnovationforabusinessideaandarethinkingaboutexpressingthistoacoworker.Yourrelationshipwiththispersonismedium-termandrelativelysuperficial.Yourreasonforwantingtoobservetheirbehaviorpriortoexpressingyourideaistoseeiftheywouldbeasuitablebusinesspartnerandifyoutwoarecompatibletoworktogether,andyouwanttousethisinformationtodeterminehowyoushouldcometothemtoevokethebestresponse.Thingsyouneedtoobserveaboutthemaretheirbodylanguage,preferences,impulses,howtheyverballycommunicate,andsomeminorinsighttotheirpersonallifeandpastexperiences.Also,definingtheirdriveandpointsofconcentrationisveryusefulinformationinthiscase.3.)Youandyoursignificantotherhavebeeninarelationshipforayear.Itisgettingseriousandyouarethinkingaboutaskingthemtomoveintogether.Thisrelationshipismedium-termandintimate.Youfirstwanttoconsiderifmovinginwiththemwouldbeasmartchoice.Youwanttodeterminehowthey’relikelytorespondwhenyoubringitupinconversation.Importantfactorsthatyou’llbeconsideringaretheirbodylanguage,preferences,impulses,howtheyspeaktoyou,andextensiveinformationabouttheirpersonallifeandpastexperiences.Inaddition,theirdrive,pointsofconcentration,andhowtheygoaboutfulfillingtheirneedsarevitalpointstoconsider.Itcanbehelpfultoconsultfriendsandfamilytoacquiremoreinsight.4.)Yourrelationshipwithyourmotherisabitunstable.Therelationshipbetweenyoutwoislong-termandintenselyinvolved.Yourgoalistomendyourrelationshipwithherandtrytofigureouttheoriginofthecomplicationsbetweenyoutwo.Thingstoconsiderareherbodylanguage,preferences,impulses,thewayshespeakstoyou,extensiveinformationaboutherpersonallife,herpointsofconcentration,andhowshefulfillsherneeds.Themostenigmaticfactorthatyouneedtodetermineishermotivation.

Inalloftheaboveexamples,thethreemainfactorstobeconsideredaretheextentofyourrelationshipwiththatperson,theirmotivation,andwhat

informationandinsightyouhaveaboutthemasaperson.Thesethreethingswilldefinehowyoucanputtheacquiredinformationtouse,whichwillbeelaboratedonlaterinthebook.

Agoodwaytoputthisintopracticeistothinkofthreepeopleinyourlifethatunderstandingthembetterwouldbeadvantageous.Considerthetypeofrelationshipthatyouhavewitheachofthesepeople,whyyouwanttogainmoreinsightaboutthesespecificrelationships,andhowthesepointswillinfluencetheinformationthatyoualreadyhaveinordertoproperlyanalyzethesepeople.

TheThreeFundamentalFactorsofPracticalPsychologyDecadesago,abusinessandlifetacticianbythenameofAnthonyRobbinsstartedtocomposebooksandgivefull-dayseminarsthathaveassistedmillionsofpeopleworldwiderealizeandattainwhattheywantoutoflife.Theprinciplesthatheexpressestopeopleareinstinctivelylogical,andmillionsofpeoplehavebeenabletoimprovetheirlivesfromhisteachings.Wewillbereferencingsomeofhisconceptsandphilosophiestoaidusincomprehensionofthemotivationofbothourselvesandothers.Psychologyisaverybroadandcomplexarenawithtoomuchinformationandspecificitiestocoverindetailinthisbook,butwewillbecoveringtheessentialpsychologicaltacticsthatwillhelpyouenhanceyouranalyticalandconceptualabilities.Therearethreemaincomponentsofpracticalpsychologythatareenormouslyaccommodatinginregardstodecipheringhowpeople’smindswork.

1.)Fearisthemostprevalentfactorthatholdsusback,andisoneofthemostimportantemotionsthatwearecapableof.Althoughitmostlyhasanegativeconnotation,fearhasactuallyhadanenormousevolutionarybenefit;withoutit,humanswouldneverhavebeenabletoarrivewherewearetoday.Ifhumanswerefearless,wewouldneverhaveprotectedourselvesfromfactorsthatcouldprovedeadly,suchaspredatorsornaturaldisasters.Thankstothisevolution,however,fearisnolongeravitalcomponentthatcontributestoourcontinuedexistence.Nevertheless,itisstillpresentandhasbeeninstinctuallyengrainedintoourminds,andcancauseawiderangeofemotionsfromslighttrepidationtointenseterror.Understandingfearitselfisakeycomponenttounderstandingpeople.Therearetwomainversionsoffearthatmostcommonlyaffectthe

world’spopulationtoday:thefearthatweareinadequate,andthefearofnotbeingloved.Thesearefearsthathavebeenpresentsincehumanswerefirstaroundandthathaveevolvedalongwithus.Backinprimitivetimes,therewasthefearthatwewouldnotbequickenoughtocatchananimaltoprovideforourfamilies;thishasnowevolvedintofearingthatwewillnotoptimallyperformatwork,wewillgetfired,andlikewisenotbeabletosupportourfamilies.Whereasearlierwewouldfearbeingshunnedoroutcastfromourvillageandlefttofendforourselvesinthewilderness,wenowfearthepeoplearoundusshuttingusoutandthusfeelingrejectedandisolated.Thesefearsmayseemunreasonable,yettheyarestillpresentandthemajorityofpeoplestrugglefightingandovercomingthem.However,whiletryingtofightordistanceoneselffromthefearfulsituationisthecommoninstinct,itisactuallymuchmoreeffectivetojustrollwithit.Forexample,imagineamanandawomanareballroomdancing,withthemanrepresentingfear,thewomanrepresentingyou,andthedanceitselfrepresentinglife,whichmustcontinueuntilthemusicends.Untiltheendpoint,youmustremainpresentandface-to-facewithyourfear,whichisintendedtoleadandcontrolthedance.Themoreyoutrytopullawayorfightit,themoredisorganizedandunsmooththedancewillgo.However,ifyoujustfollowthefear’sleadandcooperatewithittoreachtheendofthedanceinthesmoothestwaypossible,youdon’texertexcessenergydraggingitoutandadvancingthenegativity,butcalmlyapproachtheendwithamorepositiveresolution.Usually,facingourfearsandworkingwiththeminsteadoffightingagainstthemisthemosteffectivewaytoovercomethem.Oncethisisachieved,wecanreallystartlivingourlivestotheirfullpotential.2.)Thesignificanceandemotionsthatweconnectwithcertaineventsgreatlysteersanddecidesthequalityofourlives.Therearethreefactorsthatdefinethevaluesthatweassigntospecificevents,thefirstbeingthephysicalimpulsesthatareinstigatedbyanevent.Theseimpulsescanoccureitherdeliberatelyorunintentionally,suchaskeepingourgazedownwardorholdingabadposture.Low-energyphysicalactionslinklow-energy(negative)feelingstoanevent,whichisimmediatelyevidenttoothersaroundyou.Thesecondfactoristheverbalthingsthatwesaytoourselves,eitheroutloudorinourheads.Thesecaneitherbenegativeorpositivethings,likeself-pityingremarksversusself-empoweringones.Youcaneithertellyourselfthatthereisnohope,oryoucanaskyourself

howyoucanusewhatyoulearnedtoimproveinthefuture.Whatyoutellyourselfaboutacertaineventcaneitherbringyoufartherdownorhelpyoudevelop.Thethirdfactorthatdetermineshowweassignmeaningtoeventsisthatofourfocusandwhatelementsthatweemphasizeincertainsituations.Ifweconcentrateonanegativepointinasituation,thatiswhereallofourenergygoesandwethuscorrelatethesituationwithnegativity.However,ifwecanpinpointapositiveelementinthesituationandfocusonthat,wecanconverselychannelourenergyintoassociatingtheeventwithpositivity.Peopleexperiencingdepressionandgeneralunhappinesstendtoconstantlypickoutthenegativesintheirlivesandfocusonthem,suchasfeelingsofvoid,unsuccessfulness,andnon-fulfillment,whereasmoreoptimisticandgenerallymorecheerfulpeoplefocusonbrightprospectsorthingsthattheyareappreciativeof.Keepingthesethreefactorsinmindwhenanalyzingotherscanhelpusachieveamoreinnatecomprehensionofhowtheyseeandreacttosituationsandscenariosintheirlives.3.)Therearesixbasicneedsthathumanspossess,allofwhichdeterminehowwereacttotheworldaroundus.Understandingthesesixrequirementsisnecessaryinordertoproperlyunderstandanotherperson’sviewsandbehaviors.Theseneedswillbefurtherelaboratedonlaterinthisbook,butinthemeantime,thelistofhumanneedsarecertainty,uncertainty,significance,connection/love,influence,anddevelopment.

ApplyingThisKnowledgeinYourOwnLifeDefineyourfearsandhowtheyaffectyourbehaviortowardsothers,andalsohowtheyhavebeenwithholdingyoufrompositivethingsinlife.Dothisalsowithsomeonewhoyouareclosewith.Considerwhatyouthinktheyfearthemost,andhowthisfearmayhaveinfluencedtheirbehavior,bothinthepastandinthepresent.Conversely,thinkaboutascenariothatyoufindyourselfinregularlythatusuallybringsyoufeelingsofhappiness,satisfaction,amusement,oranyotherpositiveemotion.Alsobringtomindascenariowhichgenerallybringsyoufeelingsofsadness,anger,anxiety,boredom,orothernegativeemotions.Considerbothofthesescenariosandthethreefactorsthatdefinethesignificanceyouassociatewiththeseevents:

Askyourselfwhatyourbodylanguageandphysicaltendenciesinthesesituationsare.Askyourselfhowyourverbalexpressionsarealtered,eithertoyourselfor

toothers.Realizewhatyourfocuspointsinthesescenariosare.Isyourmindracing,orareyouhavingtroublethinking?Areyouconcentratingonwhatislackinginthesituationorwhatisinfrontofyou?

Chapter2—UsingOurBodiestoCommunicateAsidefromverbalcommunication,wealldoatremendousamountofcommunicatingthroughourbodylanguage.Bodylanguageisn’tthesameascommonspecifichandgestures,suchasathumbs-up,orsignlanguage,astheseareactuallyinawayaformofstraightforward,verbalcommunication.Bodylanguagemorereferstosubtlewaysinwhichwealterourbodyposition,facialexpressions,orsmallactionsthatcangreatlyinfluencethewaythatapersonmeanssomethingorhowtheyarefeeling.Forexample,evenathumbs-upcanbetakenindifferentwaysdependingonone’sfacialexpressionsorhowtheyarecarryingthemselves.Evensomeaspectsofverbalcommunicationiscloselyregardedtobodylanguage,becausethewordsthatcomeoutofourmouthcanhaveacompletelydifferentmeaningwhenaccompaniedbycertainactionsortonesofvoice.Therearesomegreylines,however,wherecertaingesturescancrossover.Takepointingyourfinger,forinstance.Thisisgenerallyastraightforwardandclearformofcommunication,butcanalsobedoneunconsciously,andremainingawareofwhatourhandsaredoingisvitalinordertoeffectivelycontrolone’sbodylanguage.Therearemanyfactorstoconsiderwheninterpretingbodylanguage,includingeyemovements,stance,facialexpressions,andbodymovements.Allofthesethingscancommunicatethingsthatwedonotsayverbally,andcangiveaninsightastowhatweareactuallythinkingandhowwearefeeling.

Itisacommonquestionastowhetherbodylanguageisperformedconsciouslyorunconsciously.Itisoftendifficulttosimultaneouslycontemplateboththecontentoftheconversationandwhatishappeningaroundus.Mostofthetime,werespondphysicallyininstinctiveorautomaticways,anditoftenoccursthatwelookbackandrealizethatwecommunicatedsomethingthroughourbodiesthatwedidnotintendtorelay.Ininstanceslikethese,itiscommontodwellorreflectonthesituation,inhindsighttakingapartourthoughtsandtheotherfactorsaroundustotryandworkoutwhatexactlywewerethinkingatthatpointintime.Bodylanguageisactuallysoseeminglyinstinctiveandunintentionalthatitdoesn’trequirealotofthinking,whichraisesthetopicoftheconsciousandsubconsciousminds.Manymotivationalspeakersrefertothispartitionwhengivingseminars.Bodylanguagehasthepowertobebothincrediblysubtleandincrediblyintense.Oursubconsciousmindcanmoveourbodiesinwaystocommunicatethingsthatwekeephiddenwithinourselves,suchassecretlongingsorfeelings.Inthepast,thisphenomenonhasbeenobservedwithhints

ofFreudianpsychology,butthoseideaspresentlyaremostlyobsolete.

Tobetterunderstandthisconceptinthesimplestofways,basicallythemindfocusesonthesmallpiecesofinformationorenvironmentalfactorsthataredirectlyinourminds,butasidefromthosesmallpieces,thereisavastamountofinformationrunninginthebackground.However,itispossibletogothroughallofthisbackgroundinformationandfocusonimportantpartswithinit,andevencontrolandreworkthem.Althoughbodylanguagedoesforinpartworkwithourconsciousminds(soisperformedintentionally),anevenlargerpartiscontrolledbyourunconsciousmindsandoccursnaturally,outsideofourcontrol.Itiscommonlysaidthatthemajorityoftheinformationthatwecommunicateisdonesothroughbodylanguageratherthanverbally;onewell-knownresearcherinparticularclaimsthatonly7%ofourcommunicationisrelayedverbally.Someresearchclaimsthat55%ofourcommunicationischanneledthroughmovementsinourfaces,mostspecificallyaroundthenoseandeyes.Eventhoughmanysourcesproducedifferentpercentagenumbersinregardstohowmuchofourcommunicationisphysicalratherthanverbal,onethingisforsure:agoodmajorityofallofourrelayedinformationisimpossiblewithoutnon-verbalcommunication.

Besidesphysicalcommunication,non-verbalcommunicationisalsoevidentintheuseofmoderntechnologywhencommunicatingwithothers.Communicatingthroughtext,especiallythroughsocialmediaandtextmessagingonourtelephones,canbeinterpretedinsignificantlymorewayswithouthearingthevoiceandseeingthebodylanguagethatwouldnormallygoalongwithitwhenspeakingwithsomebodyinperson.Forthisreason,theuseofemoticonshasbecomeincreasinglypopularasawaytoartificiallyincludebodylanguagewhilecommunicatingthroughwritingtoavoidmisinterpretation.Forexample,youcouldbeaskingsomeoneviatextmessage,“Areyoucomingtotheparty?”Althoughthisisasimpleandinnocentquestionincontext,withouttheuseofasmileyfacenexttoit,itcouldbemisinterpretedassnappyorjudgmental.Similarly,sayingsomethingassimpleas“thankyou”viatextcouldmeancountlessthingsdependingonthephysicalityorfacialexpressionsthataccompanyit.Someonecouldtakeitassarcastic,genuine,insincere,andevenverydeep,suchaswhenaccompaniedbytears.

Althoughitiscommonlybelievedthatthemostaccuratewaytodeterminehowapersonisfeelingorthinkingisreadableintheirfacialexpressions(besidestheiractualwords),recentstudiesproposethatthisinactuallyuntrue.This

researchstatesthatpeoplearenotinfallibleinreadingunderstatedemotionsthroughreadingsomeone’sface,andsolelyobservingfacialexpressionsisnotenoughtofullydeterminethestrengthofanemotionorfeeling.AstudydoneatPrincetonthatwasbasedonreadingfacialexpressionsonlythroughphotographsoffacesprovedthatpeoplewereonly50%accurateindeterminingtheiremotionswithoutbeingabletoobservetherestofthebodylanguage.Theincreasingamountofinformationthatwearediscoveringaboutbodylanguageiseye-openingtohowcomplexandincrediblysignificantitreallyis.

TheSignificanceofBodyLanguageinDeterminingSomeone’sEmotionsBodylanguageisavitalfactortoconsiderwhenacquiringinformationinordertoanalyzeaspecificperson.Emotionsareexpressedthroughnumerousmeans,butbodylanguagecanbethemostorganicandinadvertentwayofexpressingoneself.Eyemovements,handgestures,andbodymovementsforalargepartareperformedautomaticallywithoutpremeditation,andcanbeagreattoolwhenanalyzingsomeoneandevaluatingtheirtruefeelingsandthoughtsthatmaycontradictthewordsthattheyaresaying.Inadditiontousingthisknowledgetoobservethosearoundyou,it’salsousefultouseittoanalyzeyourownbehaviorandhowyourbodyunconsciouslycommunicateswhenyou’retalking,andseeifthereisanaccurateconnectionwithhowyouarethinkingorfeelingatthetime.Itcouldverywellendupthatyoudiscoverthatyoutendtosendmixedsignalswithoutevenknowingit.

Theuseofbodylanguageevaluationcanproveespeciallyusefulwhenfeelingoutsomebodythatyouhavebeennewlyintroducedto.Evenifyouhavenotyethadaconversation,youcanimmediatelygatherinformationaboutthemjustbynoticinghowtheycarrythemselves,howtheylookatyouandthosearoundthem,theirface,andhowmuchphysicaldistancetheykeepbetweenthemselvesandothers.Bodylanguageanalysiscanalsoworkinbetterunderstandingpeoplethatyouaremorefamiliarwith,whethertheyarejustacquaintancesorpeopleyouhavemoreintimaterelationshipswith.Forexample,ifyounoticethatafriendorcoworkerholdsacertainstanceormakescertaingesturesormovementswhentheyarenervousorinsecure,youcanbetterhelpthembyinterveningassoonasyounoticeit.Youcanusethesenewobservationsalongsidewhatyoualreadyknowaboutthemtounderstandthemevenbetter,andcantakenoteofrepetitiveactionsorgesturesthattheydoandtheemotions

associatedwiththem.

ElementsthatImpactBodyLanguageThereisnoset,universaldefinitionthatstatesthatcertainmovementsmeancertainthings.Justasdifferentpeoplehavedifferentwaysofphysicallyexpressingthemselves,whetherintentionallyornot,therearealsoverymanyculturalinfluencesthataffecthowpeoplephysicallycommunicate.Socialstandardsdifferfromcountrytocountry.Forexample,insomeculturesbreakingeyecontactisasignofdisrespect,whereinanothercultureitcouldmeanexactlytheopposite.Foramorespecificexample,inFinland,eyecontactisasociableandapproachablegesture,whereasinJapan,directeyecontactisgenerallyseenasexpressingangerorhostility.

RestrictionsAlthoughthereismuchmorethatgoesintoevaluatingapersonotherthanbodylanguagealone,itisanessentialbasisforit.Therearenumerousotherfactorsthatarediscussedthroughoutthebookthatyoucanuseincombinationwithbodylanguageanalysistogetafullideaofwhatisgoingoninsideofapersonandwhatmakesthemwhotheyare.Itissomethingthatyouwillfindveryusefulandwillbenefitfromlookingoutforitwhenyouinteractwithpeopleinthefuture,andyouwillbecomemoreknowledgeableandaccurateindecipheringaperson’sbodylanguage,nomatterhowdelicate.Inaddition,youcanalsousetheseobservationaltacticsonyourselftodetermineandbettercontrolhowyouphysicalreactwhencommunicatingwithotherpeopletomakesurethatyourbodyisrelayingthesamemessageasyourwords.

ProxemicsProxemics,atermfirstdescribedinthe1960sbytheanthropologistEdwardHall,isdescribedashowmuchdistancepeopleholdbetweenthemselvesandothers,andcanbeanaccuratedepictionofthestandingoftherelationshipsbetweenthem.Asidefromthat,itcanalsoportraywhatapersonisnonverballycommunicatingtotheotherperson,eitherintentionallyorunintentionally.Hallcomposedalistofdistancesthatheassociatedwithdifferentrelationshiplevels,whichisasfollows:

Intimate/deeprelationships:1.5feetClosefriendsandfamily:1.5–24feetAcquaintancesorcasualrelationships:4–12feet

Publicspeaking:12–25+feetTheseofcourseareestimatedmeasurementstogetabasicideaofhowtodeterminepeople’srelationshipsbyhowcloselytheystandtoeachother.Onewouldassumethatiftwopeoplehaveanextremelycloseproximitytoeachother(suchasafewinches),theyaremostlikelyintimatelyinvolved;however,itisalsopossibleevenforpeopleinaromanticrelationshiptotalktoeachotherwithtenfeetbetweenthem.Asisthesamewithallbodylanguageevaluations,thelistisrelativeandneedstobeconsideredalongsidethecontextofthescenarioinordertocorrectlyassessthesituation.

OculesicsOculesicsisdefinedastheobservationofaperson’seyemovementsandwayoflookingatpeople,andisanothersignificantfactortoconsiderwhenevaluatingaperson’snon-verbalcommunication.Oculesicsisafactorthathastwomainsubdivisionsthatcanbeobservedinordertodecipheraperson’seyemovementsinregardstotheirfeelingsandthoughts:

1.)Thefirstsubdivisionunderoculesicsisthatofaperson’spupilsizeandhowtheydilateandcontractduringinterpersonalcommunication.Thisisaverysubtlefactorandoftenhardtonotice,andisalittletrickygiventhefactthatenvironmentalfactorscanalsoinfluencepupilsize(suchaslightorfocus).Anotherreasonthataperson’spupilscanbeaffectedbyoutsidefactorsisiftheyareintoxicated,whichiswhypoliceflashlightsintopeople’seyesuponconfrontingthemiftheyaresuspicious.Obviously,inordertoreallyobserveone’spupils,youneedtobewithinarelativelycloseproximitytotheperson’sface.Oneofthemostnotablechangesinpupilsizethatyoucannoticeisthatthereisaconnectionbetweenpupildilationandfear,nervousness,arousal,longing,orhostility.Thereasonforthisisthatwhenthefight-of-flightinstinctkicksin,thereisarushofadrenalineintothebloodstream,whichensuresthatthepupilsareatasensitivepeakinordertogivethepersonthebestchancetosavethemselvesinadangeroussituation.2.)Eyecontactitselfhasavarietyofsubdivisionsthatcommunicatemanydifferentthings,whichareasfollows:Lookingdownwards:Thiscanmeantwocompletelydifferentthingsacrossdifferentcultures.Insomecountrieslookingdownwardsisasignofrespectorreverence,whileinsomeothercountriesitcanexpressfearor

guilt.Lookingupwards:Thisisaneyemovementthatcanhaveanumberofmeaningsthatvariesfrompersontoperson.Lookingupwardscanbeanunintentionalexpressionofboredom,oritcouldalsobethatthepersonistryingtorecallsomething.Ontheotherside,ifapersonisgazingupwiththeirheadfacingslightlydownwards,thiscouldbesendingamessageofflirtationorarousal.Side-to-sidemovementsoftheeyes:Thisisalsoaneyemovementthatcanhavemanydifferentinterpretations.Movingtheeyesquicklyawaytothesidecansuggestthatapersonisnotbeingtruthful,butitisimportanttokeepinmindbeforeaccusinganyonethatthisisnotalwaysentirelythecase.Lookingtothesidecanalsoinsinuatethatapersonisdistracted(eitherbytheirownthoughtsorenvironmentalfactors),orperhapstheyhavelostinterestintheconversationandarelosingfocus.Itcouldalsobethatapersonisexperiencinganauditorymemory;iftheylooktotheleft,theycouldbetryingtorememberit,andiflookingtotheright,theyarehearingthesoundintheirmind.Gazing:Notthesameasastare,agazeisholdingprolongedeyecontactwithsomethingorsomeone.Agazegenerallyexpressesinterest,anddependingonthescenario,canalsoindicatearousalordesire.Whenapersonisgazing,theyusuallydon’trealizethattheyhavebeenholdingeyecontactforanextendedamountoftime.Staring:Staringisanotherformofpersistenteyecontact,butgenerallyisaccompaniedwiththeeyesbeingwidenedandusuallyinsinuateshostilityordishonesty.However,astarecanalsoexhibitfondnessorinterest.Oneofthemostnotabledifferencesbetweengazingandstaringisthatstaringisgenerallydeliberatelymaintained,evenifthepersonorothersubjectreturnseyecontact.Glancing:Glancinggenerallyindicatesthatapersonhasasecretorhiddenlongingforwhateverorwhomevertheyareglancingat.Somecommonexamplesareglancingatsomeone’slipswhiletalkingtothem,whichcouldmeanthattheywanttokisstheotherperson,orglancingattherefrigeratorifapersonishungry.Thiseyemovementinparticularcanproveespeciallyhelpfulwhenanalyzingsomeone’sbodylanguagewheninteractingwiththem,especiallytowardstheendofyourcontactwiththem.Whenpeoplearereachingthepointwheretheyarereadytoleave,theywilloftenglanceattheirphonesorwatchestoseethetime,or

perhapstheywillmovetheireyestootherenvironmentalfactors.Closingtheeyes:Oftentimes,whenapersonclosestheireyes,theyarecuttingofftheirvisionoftheoutsideworldinordertobetterconcentrateorfocusonsomethingthattheyarethinkingabout.Conversely,closingone’seyescanalsoinsinuateguilt,dissatisfaction,orimpatience,usuallyexhibitedasasustainedblink.Followingapersonorobjectwiththeeyes:Keepingone’seyesonamovingsubjectexpressesinterest,whichcouldeitherbepositiveornegative.Negativereasonsthatapersonmaybetrackingsomeone’smovementswiththeireyescouldbemistrustorsuspicion.Squinting:Althoughsquintingcansimplymeanthatapersonistryingtophysicallyfocusonsomethingbetter,itcanalsohaveamentalimplication.Usuallyifapersonissquintingduringinteractionwithanotherperson,thisinsinuatescynicismorthattheyareskepticalaboutwhattheyarehearing,especiallywhenaccompaniedbyafrown.Winking:Winkingismostgenerallyusedtoexpresshumororlight-heartedness.Theycouldeitherbesubtlyhintingatsomething,suchasarousal,orcouldsimplybeusingatasafriendlygreetinggesture.Blinking:Althoughblinkingisofcoursealwaysoccurring,blinkingthatisquickerthannormalcanindicateconfusionornervousness.Inotherscenarios,itcaninsinuatedisdain.Alackofblinkingisthemainfeaturethatdefinesastare.

StanceandCarriageInadditiontoproxemicsandoculesics,thewayapersoncarriesthemselvesorpositionstheirbodyalsotendstobeaveryaccurategaugeofaperson’sopinionoroutlookofascenarioorperson.Themostnotableandcommonpositionstolookoutforareasfollows:

Standing:Whenapersonisstandinginagivenscenario,thisisgenerallysignifiesauthorityorcontrol.Agoodexampleofthisisateacherstandinginfrontoftheirseatedstudents.Especiallyinsituationswhereateacherwantstoexhibittheirauthority,theywilltakeastancethatisphysicallyhigherthanthoseinfrontofthem.Sitting:Ontheotherhand,sittingcanexpresstheoppositeofwhatstandinggenerallydoes.Apersoninaseatedpositioncouldbeexpressingsubmission,insecurity,orinferiority.However,thisisn’talwaystrue,asitisalsocompletelynormalforfriendsandacquaintancestositorstand

aroundoneanotherwithoutfeelingtheneedtoexpresstheirstatus.Slumped:Ifapersonissittingorstandingwithroundedshouldersandslightlybentoverintheirtorso(notstandingorsittingupstraight),thiscouldinsinuateeitherinsecurity,boredom,orpassivity.Openstance:Asopposedtoaslumpedposture,apersonwhostandsorsitscompletelyuprightwithapuffedoutchestandforwardstance,thisgenerallyexpressesconfidenceandassurance.Themaincomponentofthisistheexhibitionandaccentuationofthechest.HandandArmMotions:Largeorexcessivemanualgesturesalsosignifyself-assuranceandauthority.Peoplewhocommunicatealotwiththeirhandsmayalsotendtobemorephysicallytouchyinconversation.Handshakes:Thewayapersonshakesanother’shandcanexpressaperson’sviews.Afirmhandshakewithapalmontopofanotherperson’sisgenerallyasignofhighself-assuranceanddominance,whereasaweakhandshakecouldsignifyinsecurityoratendencytobesubmissive.Positioning:Veryconfidentandauthoritarianpeoplewilltendtoplacethemselvesatthefrontofagroup,whereasmorepassiveorinsecurepeoplewilltrytostayinthebackground.CrossedLimbs:Crossingone’sarmsorlegscanhaveavarietyofmeanings,butmostgenerallyitistakenasanegativesign.Crossedarmsorlegscansignifyinsecurity,defensiveness,resentment,anger,ordisagreement.Althoughthisistrue,itisalsoimportanttoremembernottoalwaysassumethatcrossingthelimbsautomaticallyholdsanegativeconnotation,asitcouldsimplybethatthepersonfindsitmorecomfortabletositorstandthatway.HintsofSexualInterest:Itiscommonformenwhoholdasexualinterestforanotherpersontofacehischesttowardtheotherpersonandleanforward,whereaswomentendtoturntheirchestsawayfromtheotherpersonandleanback,withtheirfeetfacingtheotherperson.Fidgeting:Restlesslegsorfeet,oranyexpressionofstrugglingtoremainstill,aregenerallysignsofnervousness,anticipation,oreagerness.Fidgetingcanalsobeasignofboredom,sothecontextandmeansofrestlessnessneedtobeconsidered.Similarlytosomeofthepreviouslymentionedactions,fidgetingisoneofthosethatreallyneedstobetakenwithagrainofsalt,sincemanypeopledorepetitive,smallmotionsorhave“ticks”thattheydooutofhabit,oftenwithoutevennoticingit.Becauseofthis,itisimportanttoobserveifthereareanyconsistenciesin

thesefidgetingmotionsthroughoutnumerousseparatemeetingswiththepersonthatyouareanalyzing.

Consideringalloftheabovephysicalmovementsandtheirvariousinterpretations,thereareaselectfewthatgenerallyalwaysprovideconsistentreadings.Thefollowingthreeinparticulararegreattobeginyouranalysesofpeopleandworkyourwaytototallyunderstandingthefullscopeofbodylanguage:

CrossedLimbs:Aspreviouslystated,thisstancemostgenerallyexpressesuneasinessorapprehensionofapersonorsituation.Thisisakindofinstinctual“protection,”asthepersonisphysicallyguardingthemselvesfromwhateverismakingthemuncomfortable.Mirroring:Ifapersonisreplicatinganotherperson’smotionsandstance,thisexpressesinterestandasenseofconnectionwhichtheywanttomakeknowntotheotherperson.Mirroringiscommonlyseeninmediatorsandbusinessnegotiators,aswellasinpeoplewhoareromanticallyinterestedineachother.Carriage:Thewayapersoncarriesthemselvesandholdstheirposturecanbeveryinformativeaboutthem.Ifapersonhasatendencytostandandsitstraightup,withtheirchestoutandtheirheadheldhigh,thatisveryindicativeofaconfidentandauthoritativeperson,whereasaslumped,limppostureoftenradiatesinsecurityordiffidence.

Thedifferentsectionsofthebodysenddifferentmessages,witheachgroupgenerallyrelayingacertainmessage.Althoughthisistrue,itisimportanttoalwayskeepinmindthateverypersonisdifferent,andtheirbodylanguagecoincideswiththat.Extrovertedpeoplemayphysicallymaymakemoregrandiosegesturesormakethemselvesmorevisibleinagroup,butthatdoesn’tnecessarilymeanthattheirintrovertcounterpartsarecompletelyinsecureandalwaysanxious.Althoughfidgetingisoftenatelltalesignofawkwardnessornervousnessinaperson,manypeoplesimplyfidgetordosmallrepetitivemovementsoutofhabit.Thisiswhyitisimportanttoanalyzeaspecificperson’sbehavioroveranextendedperiodoftimeafterafewmeetingsindifferentscenariostoproperlygaugetheirbodylanguageandavoidincorrectanalyses.

WhatYourUpperBodyIsCommunicatingThetrunkofourbodycontainsallofourvitalorgans,andourbodiesinstinctuallyperformmovementstoprotectourheart,lungs,andotherorgansin

reactiontoourenvironment.Forexample,ifyouaskastrangeronthestreetfordirectionsbuttheydonotturntheirtorsotowardsyouwhenreplying,thentheymostlikelyfeeluncertainaboutyou.Conversely,ifyoucomeacrosssomeoneyouknowonthestreetandsayhello,theywillmostlikelygreetyouwiththeirtorsofacingyouasasignoftrustandassurance.

Theheightatwhichoneholdsthemselvesfromtheirupperbodyisalsosignificant.Astraighttorsowithuprightshouldersgivesoffanairofconfidence,whereasaslouchedposturewithslumpedshouldersindicatesboredomorself-doubt.Upperbodyanalysisisespeciallyusefulindatingscenarios.Iftheotherpersonkeepstheirtorsopointedtowardsyou,thisindicatesthattheyfeelsafearoundyou.Iftheybringthemselvesevenclosertoyou,thiscertainlyindicatescomfort,asfromaprimalstandpoint,theyareexposingthecarriageoftheirvitalorgansdirectlytoyou.Conversely,ifyoufindtheotherpersononadatetobesittingatadistancefromyou,withtheirtorsoangledaway,orwithcrossedarms,thissignifiesafeelingofnotbeingentirelysecureandkeepingtheirtorsosprotected.Thisupperbodyanalysiscanbeappliedinavarietyofsocialsituationsnotlimitedtodating,butthistypeofscenarioisaverygoodexample.

WhattheArmsandHandsAreTellingYouThearmsandhandscancommunicateagreatdealaboutaperson.Somepeopleuseexcessiveamountsofhandandarmsgestures,whileothershardlyuseanyatall.Generallyspeaking,whensomeoneusesalotofhandmotionswhenspeaking,theyareperceivedasmoreapproachableandspirited.Oppositetohigh-energygestures,moreunderstatedgesturessuchascrossingthearmsaregenerallyassociatedwithbeingstandoffish,antisocial,scared,orupset.Aswithallbodylanguagecomponents,however,thecontextalsoneedstobeconsideredwhenmakingjudgmentsbasedontheseanalyses.Itiscommonforsomepeopletocrosstheirarmsordootherlow-energyhandandarmgestureswheninunfamiliarsituationswhichmayprovideaninaccuratedepictionofthem.Inordertocorrectlyinterprettheirmovements,itisimportanttocombinearmandhandgestureanalysiswithobservationoftheirotheractionsaswell.

Alsoimportanttokeepinmindispeoplewhoarerestlessandfiddlewiththeirhandsandarms.Fidgetingismostgenerallyasignofanxietyanddiscomfort,andcommonlymanifestsinpeopletouchingtheirownfaces,heads,andotherbodyparts.Asidefromthis,fiddlingwithone’shandsandarmscanalsoindicateboredom,suchaswithtappingthefingers.

Itisauniversalthingtononverballycommunicatewithourhandsandarms,andalotofthetimeitisdoneunconsciouslyandactuallydisclosesmorethanwewouldprefertoletonabouthowwearefeeling.Luckily,itispossibletotrainoneselftobeabletobetterconcealcertainemotionsorthoughtsbycontrollingone’shandandarmmovements.Agoodexampleofthisisthenewsanchorsthatyouseeontelevision.Inordertohidenervousnessoranxietythatusuallymanifeststhroughfidgetingorshaking,keepyourhandsfoldedonatableorinyourlaptokeepthemstill.Itisimportantnottoclenchthemtightlytogether,asthiscancommunicatethesameemotionsasfidgeting,butjusttoletthemrestcalmlyoneachother.Ifyouareinastandingposition,youcanletyourarmsfallnaturallyatyoursides.Itisgenerallymoredifficulttofindacomfortablepositionthatfeelsnaturalwhenyouareconsciouslythinkingaboutit,sowhenyouseesomeonewhohasmasteredit,youcanbesurethattheyhaveputalotofpracticeintoit.

Althoughinmostsituationstherewon’tbealotoftouchinginvolveduponfirstmeetingsomeone,itiscommoninmanyculturestogreetpeopleforthefirsttimewithahandshake.Handshakeshavecometobeassociatedwiththeconfidenceofaperson(orlackthereof),butthisisnotnecessarilyaccurate.Itiscommonlybelievedthatstrong,firmhandshakesareasignofself-assurance,andthatweakhandshakesareasignofjustthat:weakness.Becauseofthis,alotofpeopletendtooverdothe“firm”handshakebecauseofthemeaningassociatedwithit.Additionally,handshakesarenotauniversalsocialgreetingaroundtheworld,soifyougreetapersonfromaculturethatisn’taccustomedtousinghandshakes,theymayhavealessstrongone,whichdoesn’tnecessarilymeanthattheyareinsecure.Inshort,it’snotthemostaccuratetacticofgatheringinformationaboutapersonbasedonthestrengthoftheirhandshake.

WhattheLegsandFeetAreSayingProbablybecausetheyarenotusuallydirectlyinsight,thelegsandfeetareoftendisregardedwhenitcomestoreadingaperson’sbodylanguage.However,therehasbeenresearchthatshowsthatthelegscanbeoneofthemosthonestlyexpressivepartsofourbodies.Becausepeopleputalotofeffortintocontrollingtheirfacialexpressionsandthemovementsoftheirarmsandhands,thelegsandfeetcanoftenrevealthingsthatpeoplehavetrainedtheirfacesandotherbodypartstohide.Whenanalyzingsomeone’sbodylanguage,observetheirfeetandwheretheyarepointed.Usuallyaperson’sfeetwillbepointedinthedirection

thattheymostwanttobe,soiftheyarepointedtowardsyou,thisisasignofcomfortandsecurity.However,iftheyarepointedaway,thisisanotherorganicmethodofprotectiontobeabletoreadilyfleeifapersonisfeelinguncomfortable.

Besidesthedirectionthattheirfeetarepointingin,fidgetylegsandfeetcanalsoindicateinsecurityordiscomfort,similarlytofidgetyarmsandhands.Alsoalike,repetitivefootandlegmotionscansignifyanxietyorboredom.Thedifferenceisthatfromabiologicalstandpoint,keepingthefeetandlegsinmotionbetterenablesthepersontogetupandrunifneedbe.Observingaperson’sfootandlegmovinghabitscangiveyoualotofinsighttotheirconcentrationcapacity.

Alsosimilartohowcrossingthearmssignifiesapersonprotectingthemselves,crossingthelegscandothesame.Womentendtocrosstheirlegsorholdtheirlegsclosetogetherwhenwearingdressesorskirts,butthisdoesn’talwayshavetomeanthatthescenarioismakingthemfeelinsecure.Ontheotherside,mentendtodotheoppositeandactuallyspreadtheirlegsexcessivelywidelywhilesittingdown.Thistakesupalotofspace,andthesetypesofmovesmostgenerallyindicateafeelingofauthorityoroverconfidence.Whensomeonepartakesinoneofthesespace-claimingmovessuchasspreadingthelegsveryfarapartwhileseated,itcanbeassumedthattheyaretryingtoexpressconfidenceorsuperiority,whethertheyrealizeitornot.

Thewayapersoncarriesthemselveswhilewalkingisalsoagreatindicatoroftheirinnerworkings.Apersonwhowalksinwidestridesandaconfidentmannerexhibitspoiseandability,anddraggingfeetwithaslouchedposturewhilewalkingcanindicatealackofconfidence.

ToWhatExtentCanWeControlorFakeOurBodyLanguage?Ithasbeensaidthatifyouknowhowtoproperlyalterandcontrolyourbodylanguagetoseemmoreself-assured,thatitwillactuallysinkinandcauseyoutobecomemoreconfident.OnestudyinparticularwasdonebyAmyCuddytotestthistheory.Thesubjectspartookin“high-power”and“low-power”posesandthevarianceswereobserved.High-powerposesincludethosethattakeupspace,likeleaningbackinachairwithyourhandsfoldedbehindyourneckandyourfeetproppedup,orstandingwithyourhandsonyourhips.Low-powerposesincludedthingslikeslouchingorsittinginachairwithcrossedarmsandlegs.

Theresultsshowedthatwhenthepeoplewereexecutingthehigh-powerpositions,theirtestosteronelevelswereraisedandtheirstresshormones(cortisol)weredecreased,andtheexactoppositeoccurredwhendoingthelow-powerpositions.Theconclusiveresultwasthatyoucanactuallyalterthechemicalandhormonelevelsinyourbodybyconsciouslytakingpartinapose,regardlessofwhetherornotthatreallyreflectswhatyouwereactuallythinkingatthetime.AsanAP,youcanreferbacktothiswhenobservingpeopleinthefuture.Ifyouhavethoughtsthatthepersonactuallyinherentlylacksconfidencebutarecompensatingwithhigh-powerposes,thosepositionscanactuallybeprovidingthemwiththeconfidencethattheyareotherwisemissing.

AspectsoftheFaceWithallthemusclesinthefaceanditsabilitytodisplaythoughtsandemotions,readingfacialexpressionscanbeadifficulttask.However,thereareafewbasicprinciplesoffacialmovementsthatcanbeusedtodeterminesimpleemotions.

PositivityorHappiness:Inwesternculturesasmileisgenerallyacceptedas a sign of happiness, but it is only genuine happiness if the musclesaroundtheeyesareengagedintheexpression.Thiswillbeevidentbythecrow’s feet or wrinkles near the corners of the eyes. Another sign ofmuscleengagementistheeyesbecomingmorehorizontallynarrowasthecheek muscles rise and the smile widens. Without these notablecharacteristicsofasmile,aningenuinesmilemaycomeacrossassarcasmor general courtesy, but not true joyousness. InEastern cultures a smilemaybe interpreted as a sign of agreement and not necessarily a sign ofhappiness.Negativity or Sadness:The signs of sadness are visible on the eyes andmouth. The inner points of the eyebrows will be drawn inward andupward.Thecornersof themouthmaybepointeddownward,aswellasthebottomlipslightlyprotrudingwithbothlipspressedtogether.Researchpointsoutthatsadnessisthehardestexpressiontofake.HateorContempt:Theexpressionofhateorcontemptcanbemarkedbyalookalsoreferredtoasasneer,inwhichthemouthresemblesahalfsmilebutonecornerof themouth isdrawnuphigher than theother.Theeyesmay be narrowedwith the eyebrows drawn toward one another and thecheekmusclesprotrudingastheyareraised.Distaste orDisgust: The cheekswill be raised and the eyebrows drawntogetheranddownward.Thenosewillalsobescrunchedupandtheupper

lipcurledexposingclenchedteeth.Shock or Surprise: The eyes will be opened wide which causes theeyebrows to raise significantly. The bottom jaw may also drop openslightlyorwidely.Fear: Fearwill cause the eyebrows to raise andwrinkle and the bottomeyelidswillbedrawnupward.Sometimes,theuppereyelidswillalsorise,exposingwhitesintheeyesabovetheirises.Thelipsmayalsobeslightlyparted.Anger:Theeyeswillbenarrowedwiththeeyebrowsdrawninwardsanddown.Thelipsmaybepressedtogetherifthepersonisnotspeaking,alsoclenching the jawmuscles and the lower jaw slightly protruding. If thepersonisspeaking,thetoneofvoicewilllikelyberaised.

ObviousandSubtleExpressionsMacro (obvious) expressions manifest when a person is around others withwhom they’recomfortableorwhen theyare ina situation inwhich theydon’tneed tocensor their emotions.Theseexpressionswill last forhalf a second tofive seconds. Micro (subtle) expressions last for fractions of seconds makingthem difficult to recognize. They usually only appear when someone isattemptingtohidetheirtrueemotionsinasituation.Thepersonisalsogenerallyunaware theyaremakingmicroexpressions so it’s agoodway todetermineaperson’strueemotionswhentheyarenotopenlyexpressingtheirfeelings.

WhenlearningskillstobecomeanAP,thefacewillbeabigfocusofattention.Themanymusclesofthefacearoundtheeyesandeyebrowsandthemouthcandivulge the secrets of a person’s intentions and emotions. Before exploringspecificfacialexpressions,wewilllearntheconceptofuniversalexpressionsoftheface.Arethereexpressionsthatareevidentaroundtheworldthroughoutthemanyculturesthatexist?Isitnecessarytoreevaluatewhatyouunderstandaboutfacial expressions when you cross borders? The answer may lie in thediscoveriesofCharlesDarwin.

InbornExpressions

CharlesDarwinpublishedTheExpressionsoftheEmotionsofManandAnimalsin 1872 and explained that every human on earth can only share six basicexpressionsbecauseoftheirgenes.Theseexpressionsarehappinessandsadness,fear and surprise, and anger and disgust. Just as evolution has been acontroversial theory, so too was Darwin’s theory about facial expressions,

causingunrestfordecadesamongscientistswhoargueditsvalidity.

In the 1960s, facial expression expert and psychiatrist PaulEkman decided toputthetheorytotest.Ekmanalongwithhispartnerstraveledallovertheworldintopartsuntouchedbywesterninfluence.Hediscoveredthat,althoughhavingbeen secluded from much of the world, people were able to display andrecognize the same facial expressions as people frommost other parts of theworld. His conclusionwas that nomatterwhere or how a personwas raised,everypersonsharesanunderstandingofthesixbasicfacialexpressions.Ekmanalsoaddedaseventhexpression–contempt.

Scientists around theworld sinceEkman’swork have challenged his findings,stating that it is not solely a result of genetic influence, but that it is acombinationofgeneticsandculture.Whiletherearevariationsamongdifferentcultures, the prominent seven remain strong.Ahuman’s ability to recognize afacialexpressionhappensalmostsubconsciously,tothepointthatourbrainsfindhuman-like faces in non-human objects, projecting human emotion onemotionlessobjects.Thesevenmainemotionsmanifestmainlywithintheeyesandthemouth.

Eyebrows

Theeyebrowsareoneofthemostexpressivefeaturesofahumanface.Evenforsomeone who is generally adept at hiding their emotions, the eyebrows willalmostalwaysgivethemaway.Loweredeyebrowsareintendedtohidetheeyes,thereby hiding emotion. People with naturally frowny faces are regarded assneaky or unfriendly. Humans are naturally drawn to others with openexpressions, so a face that appears frowny can make someone suspicious oruneasy.However,itisnotwisetoassumethatsomeonewithloweredeyebrowsis unfriendly. Sometimes in deep concentration a person may unconsciouslylowertheireyebrows;othertimesitmaybeanexpressionofannoyanceoranger.Havingascrunchednosewithloweredeyebrowsisasignofdisgust.

Conversely, raised eyebrows can demonstrate fear, worry, or surprise and thedifference in theseemotionscanbeobvious.Raisedeyebrows thatare slightlycurved may show signs of fear, while raised eyebrows in an arch shape willindicate surprise.Therewill beother indicators thatwill decipher theperson’strueemotion.

Eyes

Ithasbeensaidthat theeyesarethewindowstothesoulandmostpeoplecandetermineanother’semotionbylookingintotheireyes.Wearesoprogrammedtoreadtheeyesofothersthatwecantellwhensomeoneislookingatusfromuptoonehundred feet away.We can also differentiate between someoneblanklystaring at us or if they are directly looking at us. Some people are better atdecodingeyeandeyebrowinteractionsthanotherssobecomingagoodAPwillrequiretheabilitytolearnwhatmovementsareassociatedwithwhatemotions.

Wegenerallyviewtheinabilityofsomeonetoholdeyecontactwithanotherasasign of lying because they don’twant their face to reveal the truth.However,well-seasonedliarswillholdeyecontactaggressivelyinawaythatimpliestheyarechallengingyoutocallthemoutonthelie.Ifthedirectandaggressiveeyecontactmakesyouuncomfortable, there’sagoodchancetheyaremanipulatingthetruth.Othertimesaggressiveeyecontactcanmeanalackofsocialskillsandthe person with the unending gaze may not realize they are making youuncomfortable.

Have you ever noticed someonewho laughs or smiles and their eyes seem toshownoexpression? It canbe a little creepyandcauseyou to feel suspiciousabouttheirgenuinefeelingsaboutthesituation.Agenuinesmilewillcausethemusclesinthecornersoftheeyestocontract,causingwrinklesorlaughlines.Ifyou are aware of laugh lines when trying to make a good impression onsomeone,restassuredyouarecomingacrossasgenuine.

Mouth

Themouthhasmanymuscleswhichcauseavarietyofmovementsthatrelatetoemotions. Themovement of the lips can give awaymany subtle expressions.This isanadvantagewhen itcomes tobeinganAPbecause themouth isalsoveryhardtocontrolandmightrevealfeelings thatsomeonemightbetryingtohide.We’vepreviouslymentionedthatafakesmileisevidentbymovementofonly the mouth, with no movement of the cheeks or eyes. A person who issmilingtobecourteousorwhentheydon’treallywanttosmilewillonlyraisethecornersoftheirmouthwhiletherestoftheirfaceisgenerallyunaffected.Amouth that is turned downward may imply sadness, but some people havenaturallydownturnedlipsandalwaysappeartobesad.

If someone lifts only one corner of their mouth, it generally displays ascontempt,afacialexpressionknownasasneer.Thedisdainfulhalf-smileismostlikely a remnant of animalistic tendencies from our past when bearing one’s

teethwasasignofhatredorhostility.Almosteveryotherspeciesofanimalwillbearitsteethtodisplayanger,nothappiness.

Tightly clenching one’s teeth is another expression to watch for. This usuallyindicates a level of unrest or being uncomfortablewith the situation and theymaybeunsureofwhattosay.Thisfaceisevidentwhensomeoneiscaughtinalieorwhenrevealinganawkwardtruth.Sometimesangercancauseapersontopursetheirlipsasiftheyaretryingtokeepthewordsfromexplodingoutoftheirmouth.Clenching the lipsmaybeawayofkeepingquietwhile theyworkoutthewordingof how theywant to say something.Biting the lips can also be asignofcontemplativethoughtoranattempttostayquiet.Jawclenchingrevealsdiscomfortaswell.AnAPcaninferthatsomeonewhoclenchesorgrindstheirteethmightsufferfromanxietyortheymightbedistractedandtheyareunawaretheyaredoingit.

Conversely, puckered lips can indicate openness or desire. If someone ispuckeringtheirlipswhiletalkingtosomeone,chancesarethattheyaresexuallyattracted to the other person.When the lips are not drawn in any direction orshape,generallythepersoniscomfortableandrelaxed.

Conclusion

Youmightfeelthatyou’veingestedalotofinformationaboutreadingaperson’sfaceandthemanyvariationsthatexpressionscanrevealaboutemotion.Onthepositiveside,theeyebrowsandeyestendtoworkintandem,sorecognizingonemovementwill informtheother.Fear,surprise,andworryarenotablelydrivenbytheeyebrowsraisingandtheeyeswidening.Thesubtledifferences,suchasacurve in the eyebrow, will delineate fear. Lowered eyebrows tend to reveal apersonisannoyed,angry,ordeepinthought.

The eyes themselves have the ability to reveal other emotions. In westerncultures,steadyeyecontactcandisplayconfidencebutiftakentoofarcanshowaggression.Inothercultures,however,steadyeyecontactisconsideredrude,soit is wise to be mindful of cultural backgrounds and customs. Sometimes aperson will avoid eye contact when they are lying, while some may try todistract the person they’re lying to by holding eye contact too firmly in anattempttocompensate.Becausetheeyescanbeveryrevealing,it’simportantasanAP to pay close attention to the eyes and the expression they emotewhenanalyzingaperson.

Todetermineifsomeoneisdisplayingagenuinesmile,theeyesandthemouth

willbeinvolved.Laughlinesinthecornersoftheeyeswillbeevident,whereasa fake smile will only involve the mouth. The mouth can also display otheremotions–downturnedlipsmightmeansadness,onecornerofthemouthliftedis contempt, pursed lips display anger or discomfort, and puckered lips showdesire.

Whencombiningallaspectsofaperson’sfacialexpression,yougetacompleteview of their emotional state at any moment and, depending on when thoseexpressionsmanifest,canrevealalotaboutapersoningeneral.Whiletherearedifferencesamongcountriesorregionsoftheworld,therearegenerallyacceptedexpressionsofsomeemotionsacrossdifferentcultures–perhapsmorereliablethan body language. There are alsomicro expressions thatwill be covered indepth elsewhere in this book.Fornow, rest assured that being able to reliablyreadaperson’sfaceisacriticalskilltobecominganAP.

ReviewHerearethreescenariosofexpressionthroughbodylanguage.Trytounderstandwhatisbeingexpressed,thencompareyouranswerstotheoneslistedbelow.

ExampleOne:Thispersonsitsfarawayfromotherswithslumpedshouldersandarms crossed. Legs are crossed with one foot twitching. Eyebrows are drawntogetherandlipspressedtightlytogether.

ExampleTwo:Thispersonmakesgesturesastheyspeakatavolumethatcanbeclearly heard by everyone they are addressing. They sit upright with theirshouldersdrawnback.Sometimestheywilllightlytouchthepersonnexttothemastheyaretalking.Eyebrowsarerelaxedandtheymaintaineyecontactwiththepersontheyarespeakingto.Theysmilewhenit’sappropriatetodosoandtheirsmileaffectstheirentirefaceandnarrowstheireyes.

ExampleThree:Thispersonmaintainsconsistenteyecontactastheystandwiththeirfeetapart,armscrossedastheyarespeaking.Theyoccasionallysmilebutitdoesn’tengagetheireyes.Theymayshowamicroexpressionintermittentlyinwhich the eyebrows pull upward creating wrinkles between them, their eyeswiden, and their lips press together. They maintain a considerable distancebetweenthemselvesandothers.

AnswersExampleOne:Thispersonlikelyfeelsinsecureoranxious,orisuncomfortablewiththepeoplearoundthem.Theyarenotopentobeingapproachedbyothers

andprobablylacksself-confidence.

ExampleTwo:This person is comfortable in their own skin and doesn’t fearjudgementfromothers.Theydon’tfeeltheneedtoexertdominance,butrather,theyexudeanaturalhighstatus.Theirconfidenceallowsthemtoconnectwithothers.

ExampleThree:Thisisanexampleofsomeonewhoisattemptingtohidetheirtruefeelingsbymakingitappearasiftheyarefeelingadifferentway.Theyareattempting toprojectdominanceandconfidence,when in fact theyare feelingannoyed, nervous, or fearful.Theyovercompensate these feelingsby trying tolookintimidating.

Chapter3–OutwardPersonalityCharacterizationAspectsThischapterwillexplorefivefacetsofaperson’slifestylethatwillhelpyoutobetterunderstandaspectsoftheirpersonality:

1. Lookingatsomeone’shabitsandtastestounderstandthem2. Howsomeone’sappearanceandclothingareusedasaformofexpression3. Analyzinghowapersonuseslanguage4. Correlationsbetweentasteinmusicandpersonalitytraits5. Examiningaperson’speergrouptounderstandthem

Therearemanyaspectsofaperson’spersonalitythatyoudon’tknowwhenyoufirstmeetthem.However,thereareaspectsaboutthemthattheyprojectwhetherthey know it or not, such as their clothing choice or personal hygiene. Byanalyzing their belongings, clothing, use of language, and overall appearanceyou can gain an insight into who they are. You may also learn about themthroughthepeopletheychoosetointeractwith,observingtheirhabitsandtakingnoteoftheirtastesinentertainmentorsocialactivities.

AnalyzingversusJudgingWhenyouuseexternalfactorstoevaluatesomeone,it’simportantthatyoutakeanobjectiveperspectiveandusecautionnottojudgeaperson.Whatyouseeonthe outside aremere indications about their internal qualities.You should usewhatyoucanseeaspiecesof thewholepuzzleofwho theyare.For instance,many celebrities portray themselves one way to further their careers in thespotlight.Intheirpersonallives,however,thismaynotbeanaccurateportraitofhowtheyact“behindcloseddoors”sotospeak.Theyonlyportraythemselvesinacertainmannertobenefittheirworklife.

WhatYouSeeImportantindicatorsaboutapersonwill leakoutviatheiroutwardappearance.Theirhairstyles,theclothestheywear,thechoicetowearacertainperfumeorcologne,orotherpersonalgroominghabitscanbeusedtogainperspectiveabouta person. Many people use these methods of personal style to expressthemselves.Keepinmind,though,theymaybedressingacertainwaytocreateanappearanceorimpressionthatmaynotbealignedwiththeirtrueinternalself.

Taketheexampleofayoungfemaleheadedtoajobinterviewinanofficewitha

mostlymalepopulation.Shemaychoosetowearadark-coloredpantsuitandablouse just low-cut enough to show a bit of cleavage. She may truly feelintimidated,butshewantstoprojectthatsheisconfident.Somestudiessuggestthatwomenwho choose to hide their feminine assets (i.e. breasts or hips) aresubconsciouslyexpressingan insecurity in their femininity.On theotherhand,womenwhoareunafraidtoshowalittlecleavageorweartight-fittingclothingareexpressingthefactthattheydon’tfeelunderminedbytheirgender.

This is one example that demonstrates how difficult it can be to determinepersonality traits about a person based solely on their attire. Other groominghabits may give a clearer and perhaps more accurate view of their internalaspects.Forthemostpart,someonewhohastakenthetimetoappearcleanandpresentable andwhowears appropriate fitting clothing demonstrates a certainlevel of self-confidence. The other side of that is when someone appearsunkemptwithunwashedhairandwearsbaggyorraggedyclothesprobablyhaslowself-esteemorlackssocialawareness.

Becausethesetypesofobservationsareonlyvisible,therearemanyothercuesaboutaperson toconsider inconjunctionwith theirappearance–for instance,bodylanguageorverbalcommunication.Fromthepreviousexampleofthewell-groomed,well-dressedperson,itmaybethattheyarehighlyinsecureandtheyhavespentmuchtimeandeffortincreatingtheiridealappearance.Conversely,thepersonwhoappearstobemessyorunkemptmayhavehighself-confidencebut rejects the notion of accepting social cues about expectations and believetheirappearanceisnotwhotheyisasaperson.Yetanotherpossibilityexists–ifapersonappearsunkemptbutdisplaysotheraspectsofhavinghighself-esteem,itispossiblethattheyranoutofthehouseinahurryorthatappearingthiswayisanironicformoffashion-focusedself-expression.

WhatYouHearHowaperson’svoiceprojectscanalsobeindicativeoftheirinternalpersonality.Ifapersonspeaksinamediumvolumewithrhythmicorsteadyintonationandthewords seem to fall out of theirmouthwith ease, chances are that they arecomfortable and confident. If someone stutters through their words and theirvoice isshaky thismaydemonstrate their lackofbelief inwhat they’re tellingyou or that they are uncomfortable. Sometimes if a person is speaking veryrapidly, itmay show signs of anxiousness. Itmay alsomean that they tend toturn their thoughts inwardas theyare ineffectivecommunicatorsandpay little

attentiontothewordsleavingtheirmouth.

Youmayalsobeable todrawconclusionsaboutapersonbasedonhowmuchtheysayortheiramountofparticipationinaconversation.Somepeoplespendalotoftimetalkingandverylittletimelisteningorallowingotherstospeak.Thiscan indicate one of two traits – the person is overconfident and believeswhatevertheyaresayingisthemostimportant,oritmanifestsasanexpressionofinsecuritythatmakesthemfeeltheyneedtoovercompensatefortheirlackofinternalprowess.

Interestingly,somestudieshaveconcludedthatpeoplewhotalkmoreandtendtohaveextroversivecharacteristicsappeartootherstobemoreintelligentthantheyactuallyare.Thatonlylastsuntiltheymakearemarkthatisabsurdormakesnosense at all. Someone that allows others time to speak generally showconsideration for others – although again, it shouldn’t be assumed that theiroutwardprojectionsaredirectreflectionsoftheirinternalthoughtprocesses.Youmust also consider their body language and eyemovements, as well as otherfactors,whenpayingattentiontotheirverbalinteractionwithothers.

WhatTheyListenToThere is a multitude of studies that have been conducted about a person’smusicalpreferenceinrelationtotheirpersonality.Asyoumayhavenoticedbynow, there is no “one size fits all” rule when it comes to determiningcharacteristics of someone’s personality. Below is a summary of a studyconducted at Heriot-Watt University of 36,000 participants from all over theworld:

Rap/Hip-Hop: Correlates with being outgoing and having high self-esteem;despitestereotypes, thereseemedtobeno links toaggressionorviolenceRock/HeavyMetal:Anothercategorythatdefiedstereotypes,thereseemstobenoconnectiontoviolenceoraggressionwiththismusicalpreference.Listenerstendtobecreative,introverted,gentle,andhavelowself-esteemIndie: Connections to creativity and intellect; also, linked to low self-esteem,passivity,andanxietyPop:Fansof thisgenre tend tobehonest, conventional, andextrovertedwithhighself-esteem;someoccurrencesoflesscreativityCountry/Western: Correlates to conventional and outgoing personalitiesthatareemotionallystableandhard-working

Classical:Although listeners tend to be introverted, theyhavehigh self-esteemandareemotionallystableandcomfortableintheirownskinDance:ConnectedwithoutgoingandassertivepersonalitiesJazz/Blues: Fans have high self-esteem and are extroverted, intelligent,andcreative

HabitualBehaviorsSowathought,reapanaction;sowanaction,reapahabit;sowahabit,reapacharacter;sowacharacter,reapadestiny.

-StephenR.Covey

A person’s habits will also reveal a great deal about their personality.Volunteeringmay indicate that they are empathetic andgenerous.Havingpetscould show they enjoy caring for others or that they don’t interact well withpeople or they are lonely. If they are heavily influenced by following a strictschedule, itcouldbean indicatorof thedesire tomaintaincontrolandmaybecaused by a lack of self-assurance. If someone prefers to spendmost of theirtime socializing and prefers not to be alone they may feel the desire to self-validate. Someone who spends very little time with others may lack self-confidenceorfeeluncomfortableinthepresenceofothers.

Also, consider the kinds of entertainment a person finds enjoyable: televisionshows,videogames,websites,articlesorbooks,blogs,ormovies.Considertheend result of the consumption of these sources of entertainment or how theymight influenceapersonwhoregularlyconsumesmediafromvarioussources.The way a person views outcomes of their choices – whether positive ornegative–cangiveinsightintotheirperspectives.

Nowcombinetheirmediaconsumptionchoiceswiththeirdisposition.Checkouttheir Twitter or Facebook,who they follow,what they post,who their friendsare,etc.Manytimes,peoplewillmirrortheirinternalsentimentsonanoutwardplatform,especiallyiftheyspendanexcessiveamountofunconstructivetimeonthesesocialmediasites.Maybe theyaremorecomfortablewith the illusionofanonymitythesesitesprovideandareuncomfortableinface-to-faceinteractionsbecauseof lowself-confidence.Perhaps thereassuranceofconstant interactionwithotherssoothesaninternalneedforcontact.

Every little piece of information can be used to gather a whole image of aperson.Anyoftheseaspectscanbeconsideredahabitiftheyexposethemselvesto itona regularbasis.Participation in theseactivitiescan influenceandformthethoughtprocessesapersonmayknowinglyorunknowinglyconstruct.

WhoTheyInteractWithPerhapsoneofthemostdefinitivefactorsofaperson’sinternalcharacteristiciswhotheychoosetoassociatewith,influencinghowtheyviewthemselves.Justtoreiterate,thisisnotanexactscience–youwouldhavetoanalyzeeachpersonintheirsocialcircletodrawmoresolidconclusions.However,aperson’sfriendswillbeyetmorepiecesof thepuzzleof aperson.Apeergroupcan influencehowapersonmakesdecisions for themselves,aswellas influencehowothersmaketheirowndecisions.

Consider a group of friends who regularly party and binge drink on theweekends – it is highly unlikely youwill find someone in that groupwho isconcernedwiththeirhealth.Studieshaveshownthathowapersonchoosestheirsocialcirclesisahighlycomplexinteractionofmanyvariables.Theredoesseemtobefourmaincontributingfactors:

1. Convenience: How often people interact and physical proximity can bevery influencingwhen associatingwith a group. It’s easier to be friendswith someone just a few minutes up the road than someone who livesseveral hours away. It’s also easier to form a social bondwith someoneyouseeonadailybasisratherthaneveryfewweeks.

2. Reciprocal Altruism: This consideration lies in what two people (or agroup)candoforoneanotherandhowoftenitisreciprocated.Itcanbeassimple as offering companionship or a friendship based on person oneofferingahighersocialstatusassociationtopersontwo,whilepersontwooffers kindness and generosity. It usually isn’t this basic, butunderstanding reciprocated altruism can determine what a person feelstheylackandhowtheyseekoutthosetraitsinothers.

3. Similarities:Generally, people become friends because of similar innateand existing characteristics, despite the fact they may have many otherdifferences. Therewill always need to a common ground onwhich twopeoplebegintointeractandcanestablishapositiverelationship.

4. ReinforcingPerceptions:Manytimes,apersonformsasocialbondwithanotherpersonbecausethatpersonwillreinforcetheirperceptionsofthe

world. For example, friends may share certain morals or values ormindsets, and will often befriend someone who confirms their self-evaluation of their value as a person. This may be a subconsciousattraction – peoplewho are confidentwill seek thosewho support theirconfidence; conversely, someonewho lacks self-valuemay be drawn toothers who reinforce their lack of value. For instance, this is evidentamongwomenwhoarevictimsofdomesticviolence.Theywillcontinuetoendurerepeatedabuse,feelingunabletoleavetherelationshipbecausetheyhaveperhaps(subconsciously)validatedtheirlackofself-worthandbelievetheydeserveterribletreatment.

ProximityWhen analyzing someone, the closer they are to a person they are in arelationshipwithcantellyouaboutthatperson.ConsiderJoe,Susie,andBrian.If Joe and Susie are close friends, you can learn a lot about Joe from Susie.However, ifBrian isJoe’sdistantcousinwhomJoeonlyseeseveryfewyears,Brianwilloffer little inthewayofunderstandingJoe.Thisnotonlyappliestotheamountof contactbetween twopeople,but alsoamatterof influence. JoemaybehighlyinfluencedbySusie,butitalsoamountstothestrengthofSusie’sinfluenceonJoe.

Chapter4–UnderstandingVerbalCommunicationWe’vealreadytalkedaboutthenon-verbalwaysthatpeoplecommunicate,butwecanalsolearnalotfromtheirverbalcommunicationsandhowtheytalk.However,thisdoesn’tmeanthattheyneedtotellyoutheirdeepdarksecrets.Youcanlearnalotaboutapersonjustbylisteningtotheirspeed,rhythm,andtone.PartofbeinganAPisrecognizingthatyouhavetoovercomecertainbiaseswhenyoulistentosomebody,becausethesecangetbetweenyouandthetruth.

Nowwe’regoingtotalkaboutmisconceptionsyoumightdevelopaboutsomebodybasedsolelyontheirvoice.We’realsogoingtolearnabouthowwordchoicecantellyouaboutsomeaspectsofanindividual’spersonality-youneedtoknowthisasanAPsothatyoucanlookbeyondyourfirstimpressions.

PitchThepitchofaperson’svoicecandeterminewhatothersthinkofthem.Peoplegenerallybelievemenwithhigher-pitchedvoicesandwomenwithlowerpitches.Peoplearemoreeasilycalmedbylowervoices,andthey’remorerelaxingtolistento.Thiswhyplacessuchasemergencycallcenters,hospitals,andcustomerservicelocationsprefertohireindividualswhohavenicelowvoices.

Thismightbeasexistissue:peopleassociatelowervoiceswithtestosterone,ahormonefoundinmen.Thisputswomenatadisadvantagebecausetheirvoicesarenaturallyhigher,whichmakesitmoredifficultforthemtobetakenseriously.Manystruggletomaketheirvoicessoundlower,whichwillmakethemseemmorepowerfulinthebusinessworld.Also,highpitchesareassociatedwithchildren,whichcanmakeitdifficultforhigh-pitchedpeopletobetakenseriously.AsanAP,youneedtobeawareofthissothatyoucangiveeveryonetheconsiderationandattentiontheydeserve.Don’tletahigh-pitchedvoicemixyouup.

Peoplecancontrolthepitchoftheirvoicefromfourdifferentplaces:thenose,themouth,thechest,andthediaphragm.Whenpeoplespeakfromtheirnosetheysoundhigh-pitchedandwhiny.Whenpeoplespeakfromtheirmouth,it’slessnasallybutit’sstillnotthebest.Amouthspeakerlikelyfeelsunseenorunappreciated,andeventhoughtheytrytobeheard,nobodylistens.

Mostpeoplespeakfromtheirchest,andthismakessurethattheyareheard.However,itcanbetiringandsoonerorlaterthespeakerwillbecomehoarse.The

bestwaytotalkisfromthediaphragm-itisstrong,full,andgenerallyrequirestrainingtobeeffective.Diaphragmspeakershavelikelyputtimeandeffortintoit,andtheyareprobablysuccessfulandusedtotheirspeechesandcommentsbeingheard.

SpeechPatternsThewaysomeonespeaksisreferredtoastheirspeechpattern.Thiscanrefertothespeedofthespeechandanypausestheytake.It’spossiblethathowquicklysomebodytalkshasabiggerimpressiononsomebodythantheirtone.Thisisbecausetonecanonlybepartiallycontrolled,butspeakingpatternscanbechangedentirelyifthespeakerwishes.

First,let’sdiscussfasttalkers.Speakingtooquicklycanmakeyouseemrushedandanxious.Itmakesyoulooklikeyou’rejustsayingwhatevercomestomindwithoutbotheringtothinkaboutitfirst,anditcanmakethelistenernervous.AsanAP,youneedtonoticethesefasttalkers.Iftheyalwaysspeakquickly,they’reprobablyalwaysanxious.Iftheyslowdownduringtimeswhenthesituationiscalmerandtherearen’tasmanypeoplearound,theiranxietymightstemfromcrowdedsituationsandstressfulsocialenvironments.

Slowtalkers,ontheotherhand,tendtoseemmoreauthoritative,friendly,andcalm.They’reclearlytakingtheirtimetothinkaboutwhatthey’regoingtosay.However,thiscanbetricky-ifyouspeaktooslowly,youmightappeartiredordistracted,andyourlistenermightgetbored.AsanAP,youneedtonoticetheseveryslowtalkers.Theymightneedmoretimethanmostbecauseittakesthemtimetoputtheirthoughtstogether.Iftheypauseoften,thisisprobablythecase.

FillersandPronounsBesidesthespeedoftheirspeech,aperson’schoiceofwordscanalsobehelpfulwhenitcomestoanalyzingthem.Itmaysounddifficulttotryandseethemeaningofeverysingleworld,butthereareafewspecificpartsyoucanfocusoninstead.Forexample,fillersandpronouns.

Fillersarewordsthatbreakupnormalspeechanddon’taddanymeaningtoit.Forexample,there’s“uh”,“like”,“er”,“um”,andmore.They’vegottenabadreputationrecently,andmanyindividualsgivingspeechesorindividualsinpositionsofpowerhavebeentryingtogetridoffillersentirely.However,linguistshaveproventhatfillersareactuallyprettyimportant.

Fillergivethespeakerachancetothink,whichresultsinbetterconversations.

For,example,ifsomebodyuses“um”alot,itmightlookliketheyareanxiousorinsecure.Inreality,researchhasshownthatthey’rejustcollectingtheirthoughts.They’rerememberingsomething,searchingfortherightword,orcorrectingastatementthey’vealreadymade.“Like”isusedthesameway,althoughitisoftenviewednegativelyandassociatedwith“valleygirl”sandpeoplewithlowerintelligence.Thefillerapersonchoosedependsontheirage,gender,andregion.Forexample,womentendtosay“um”andolderpeopletendtosay“er”.

Pronounsinclude“we”,“I”,and“you”.AsanAP,youneedtobeawareofthefactthatapronouncanofferinsightsintoanindividual.Researchhasshownthatwhenpeoplearetalkingtosomebodyinapositionofpowerorsomebodywhotheyfeelintimidatedby,theyuse“I”.Thisisbecausetheyarefeelingself-consciousandthinktheyneedtoassertthemselves.Somebodywhouses“I”constantlyandisalwaysbringingtheconversationbacktothemselvesprobablyfeelsinsecure.Theyareintimidatedbyeverybody,andthisstrangecombinationofinsecurityandarroganceisdefinitelysomethingthatanAPshouldnotice.

Thepronoun“you”andotherwordslikethat(“yourself”,“your”)aren’talwayspositive.Theytendtobeusedmoreinarguments,whenpeopleareputtingblameoneachother.However,“you”wordscanalsobepositive,andknowingwhichwayitgoesrequiresanunderstandingofthecontextofthesituation.

Let’sconsider“we”.Thispronouncantellyouabouthowsomebodyisdoingintheirromanticrelationships.Ifcouplesgenerallyuse“we”ratherthansingularpronounssuchas“I”,theyseethemselvesaspartnersandtheyareinsync.Thesamecangoforgroups-whenpeoplefeelliketheybelong,theyuse“we”.Researchalsoshowsusthatatraumaticeventcanleadgroupsofpeopletouse“we”more.Forexample,Americansafter9/11,whenpatriotismwashigh.

TheSignificanceofSwearsHistorically,swearingwasseenasvulgar,asignofalackofeducation.Themediaportrayedthesepeopleasinferior,andpeoplewerejudgedharshlyiftheyusedobscenities.Morerecently,however,cursesarebeinglookedatintermsofpersonalityanalysis.Currentresearchindicatesthatpeoplewhoswearmoreareseenasbeingmoretrustworthy,extroverted,andpersuasivethanothers.Itshowsfearlessness,honestywhenitcomestoexpressingintenseemotions,andalackofconcernaboutwhatothersmightthink.

SummaryOverall,itisimportantasanAPtorememberthathowapersonspeaks

cantellalotaboutthem.True,theirtonemightnotreflecttheirpersonality,butyoucanstilldrawsomeconclusionsabouthowothersseethem.Keepinmindthatwhetherornottheyhavetakenthetimetotraintheirpitchisalsoimportant.Thespeedofspeechisessentialaswell,asitcangiveinsightsintowhethertheyareamorethoughtfulormoreanxiousperson.

Finally,wecoveredthesignificanceofcertainwords,suchasfillers,pronouns,andswearwords.AsanAP,youcan’tassumethatfillersarenegative,orthatsomebodywhouses“I”oftenisself-centered.“You”canbepositiveornegativedependingonthecontext,but“we”isnearlyalwayspositive.Peoplewhoswearoftenarelikelyintenseandhonest.

Chapter5—TheSixBasicHumanNeedsThischaptercoversthesixbasichumanneeds,howtheorderingofthoseneedsimpactsaperson’sbehavior,thewayseachofuscontrolourneeds,andhowbehaviorscanbecomeaddictive.

TheSixBasicHumanNeedsBeforewecananalyzesomebody’sbehavior,weneedtounderstandwhattheirneedsare,whichcanalsobephrasedaswhattheirgoalsinlifeare.Food,water,shelter,andothernecessitiesareincludedhere,andthethingsthatpeopleneedtobehappycanbesplitintosixcategories.Thefirstfourareprimalneeds,whicharenecessaryforsurvival.Thelasttwoarespiritualneeds,whicharenecessaryforfulfillmentandinvolvesomethinggreaterthantheself.

Humansneedallofthefollowingtobemetintherightamountsandwiththerightmethod.Ifpeoplearereceivingsomethingthatfeelsnecessaryfortheirsurvival,theymayenduppursuinggoalsthatdon'tnecessarilyhelpthemselvesorothers.

TheFourPrimalNeeds1. Certainty:Everypersonneedsalevelofcertaintyintheirlives.Howmuch

theyneeddependsontheperson,butgenerallyitrequirestheabilitytoavoidpainandstressandfindcomfort.Overall,peopleneedsomeamountofcontrolovertheworldaroundthem.Peoplewhohaveanoverdevelopedneedforcertaintycansometimesbecomewhatwecall“controlfreaks”,orpeoplewhoareobsessedwitheliminatingalluncertaintyandcontrollingeverythingabouttheirsurroundings.Generallythisneediseasytomeet-speakinginprimalterms,peoplejustneedfood,water,andsomewheresafetocomehometoeverynight.Sometimesmeetingthisneedisassimpleaswatchingamovieyouenjoyedwhenyouwereyounger.

2. Uncertainty:Giventheneedforcertainty,thismayseemstrange.However,withoutsomeuncertainty,lifebecomesmonotonous,withlittlevarietyorchange.Allpeopleneedsomestimuliinordertostayengaged,andallpeoplewantsomevarietyintheirlives.However,theamountofvarietyisdifferentfrompersontoperson.Someindividualsareperfectlycontentatonejobforever,andtheirvarietyis

tryinganewfoodormovieorrunningrouteeveryweek.Ontheotherhand,someindividualsneedtheexcitementthatcomesfromseeingnewplacesandmeetingnewpeople.Theneedforuncertaintycangrowtothepointwherepeopleshowalackofcommitment,andtheneedforbasicphysiologicalthingssuchasfoodandsheltercangoneglected.

3. Significance:Everybodyneedstofeelsignificantsomehow,becauseithelpsthemfeelimportant,unique,valued,andspecial.Thisistiedcloselyintothefeedbackwegetfromtherestoftheworld-itcanvalidateourexistence.Itcomesinavarietyofforms-amothermightfeelsignificantwhenshecaresforherbaby,acoworkermightfeelsignificantwhenyougooutofyourwaytothankthem,andamurderermightfeelsignificantwhentheyholdaguntotheirvictim’shead.Thisneedisthemostcomplexoutofallofthem,andcharacteristicssuchasattentionseeking,self-righteousness,competitiveness,andinsecuritycanallarisethankstothis.

4. Loveandconnection:Everybodyneedssomeformofloveandconnectionintheirlives,butitdoesn’tnecessarilyhavetocomefromasignificantother.Peoplecanbeemotionallyintimatewithacommunity,afriend,orafamilymemberaswell.Thisneedisconnectedtocompassionandempathy,whicharebothveryimportantwhenitcomestomaintainingrelationshipswithothers.Ifthisneedbecomesexcessiveitcanleadtoanover-dependenceonothers.Ifthisneedisnotstrongenough,peoplecanbecomeisolated,whichcancreateissueswithaccountabilityorconscienceinthewaytheyact.

TheTwoSpiritualNeeds1. Growth:Theneedforgrowthrunsalongsidetheneedforuncertainty,

becausebothdealwithchange.Uncertaintydoesn’tleadinanyparticulardirection,it’sasimplechangeincircumstances.Growthisverydifferent.Thisisaperson’sdeliberateprogresstowardsanideal,agoal,oranoutcome.Materialgrowthencompassesactivitiessuchasimprovingyourphysicalstateorcircumstanceorworkingonaproject-forexample,maybeyoutakeonahomeimprovementprojectorworktowardsapromotion.Itcanalsocomeintheformofpersonaldevelopment,whichisgenerallyinternalandcanincludegainingabetterunderstandingofyourselforlearningtobemoregenerous.Overall,growthcanapplytoeveryareaof

yourlife,anditwillhaveahugeimpactonthepeoplewhoyouareclosestto.

2. Contribution:Inorderforpeopletofeeltrulyfulfilled,theyneedtofeelasthoughthey’veimpactedacausewhichgoesbeyondjustthemselves.Thiscomesfromourbasiccharacteristicofbeinghighlysocialanimals.Weusedtosurviveingroups,butinourmodernsocietythatinstincthasturnedintotheneedtogivebackandhelpothersortoservesomecausegreaterthanourselves.

HowaretheNeedsPrioritized?Differentpeopleprioritizetheirneedsindifferentways,andunderstandingwhytheychoosesomeoverotherswillhelpusgainadeeperunderstandingofwhotheyare.Thewaypeoplemeettheirneedsisalsoimportantwhenitcomestoanalyzingsomebody’sbehavior.

ExerciseIfyouhadtoorderyourneedsfrommostimportanttoleastimportant,whatwouldyourlistlooklike?Whatdoesthisindicateaboutyourprioritiesinlife,andhowhasthatimpactedyourpastactionsandchoices?Thinkaboutaclosefriendorfamilymember-howdoyouthinktheyranktheirneeds?Howdotheyfulfiltheseneeds?Wealldoitdifferently,sotakeamomenttolookbackatyourownlist.Nexttoeachneed,listthreenegativeandthreepositivewaysthatyoufulfillit.Next,dothesamefortheclosefriendorfamilymember.

Next,takealookathowyou’vebehavedinarecentsituation,andconsideryourtypicalactsandresponses.Canyouexplainitbylookingathowyouprioritizeandfulfillyourneeds?Trydoingthesamefortheotherperson.Keepinmindthatthewayweviewandlistourneedscanchangeaswegothroughlife.

WorkedExampleIt’seasiertointernalizeatheorywithaworkedexample.Intherealworldyouwouldencounterapersonandtheirbehaviorandthenworkbackwardsinordertoanalyzetheiractionsandfigureoutwhatneedsmotivatedthem.Let’sgetstartedwithsomebriefbackgroundaboutourexamplescenario:BobbyandSallyarefouryearsintoarelationshiptogether.Lisa’smother,wholivesinadifferentstate,hasbecomeseriouslysick.

ScenarioOne

Action:Sallywantstomovetobeclosertohermother.Bobbytriestoconvincehertostay,andwhenshedecidestoleave,hegetsangryandleavesthehouse.Analysis:Sallyvaluesloveandconnectionoverallelse,andiswillingtoleavecertaintyandgrowthbehindtogotakecareofhermother.Bobbyvaluessignificanceandcertainty,andsinceLisaisn’tmeetingthatneed,hestormsoutinanger.

ScenarioTwoAction:Sallydoesn’tmove,andshekeepshercurrentjob.Bobbythinkstheyshouldmoveclosertohermother,andtheyargue.Analysis:Sallyvaluesgrowthandcertaintyaboveallelse,anddecidestostayputandfocusonherjobsoshecanprogressthere.Bobbyvaluesloveandconnection,sohethinkstheyshouldmoveclosertohermother.

However,thesescenariosareextremelysimplified.Inreality,therewouldbeacomplexandsubtlecontributionfromneeds,actions,thoughts,andemotions.However,byconstantlylookingatpeople’sneedsandfiguringoutwhytheydowhattheydo,wecangetabetterunderstandingofthehumanprocessesandimproveourabilitytoanalyzeotherpeopleaswellasourselves.

StrangerorFriendThismethodcancomeinhandyinavarietyofscenarios,butit’smostusefulwhenyouarefamiliarwiththewaysomeonebehaves.However,youcanstilluseitwithpeopleyouaren’tacquaintedwith.Allittakesissomesimpleobservationsofhowapersonbehavesinacoupleofdifferentscenariostofigureoutwhattheirmostvaluedneedsareandhowtheyfulfillthem.

WhenPeopleUseNegativeMethodsYoumightbereadingthisbooktotryandunderstandtheirrationalandpotentiallyharmfulbehaviorofsomebodyyouknow.Forexample,thinkbacktoourpreviousexampleofacriminalwhofeelssignificantwhentheythreatenandterrifytheirvictim.Peoplewilldoanythingtofulfilltheirneeds,andiftheycan’torsimplydon’twanttodoitthroughpositivemethods,theywillturntonegativeones.

Forexample,ifyouweredyingofthirstyouwoulddrinkanywateryoucouldfind,evenifitwasdirtyandmightmakeyousick.Achildwhodoesnotreceiveenoughattentionandislackinginsignificant,love,connection,andgrowth

mightactouttogetsomeself-validation,despitethefactthatitwillbenegative.We’lltalkmoreaboutthislaterwhenwediscussthe“strokeeconomy”.

WhatisaNeedsAddiction?Ourdesiretofulfillourneedsissointensethatwhenwefindabehaviorthatworksforus,wemightbecomeaddictedtoit.Generally,ifabehaviorfulfillthreeormoreneedsoverandoveragain,wewillkeepseekingitout,andsometimesbecomeaddictedtoit.Thiswilleventuallyformpsychologicalhabits,andtheycanformforpositiveandnegativethoughtsandbehaviors.

Ifachildperformsanactofgenerosityandisgivencontribution,love,significance,andgrowthinreturn,theywilllearntoassociatethatgenerositywithagoodthing,andtheywillperformsimilaractsagainandagain.Ontheotherhand,ifsomebodyneverhadthoseneedsfulfilledasachild,theymightthreatensomebodywithagun,getthatfulfillment,andbetemptedtorepeattheaction.Itdoesn'tmatterthattheiractionfulfilledtheneedinanegativeway-itstillmettheneed.Thereareotherfactorslikeconscienceandmoralsinthissituation,butwewilltalkaboutthoselateron.

Chapter6—Values,Beliefs,andAttitudesThischapterwillexplainthefollowing:1Definingvalues,beliefs,andattitudes:1HowtheycoincidewithAnthonyRobbin’ssixFundamentalhumanneeds:1Essentially,somebody’svalues,attitudes,andbeliefsplayamajorroleinunderstandingbehavior.Inordertofullyunderstandanotherperson,itisessentialfirstunderstandtheirbeliefsystem,valuesandattitudes.Thiswillhelpexplaintheirbehaviorandgiveyouabetterideaoftheirperspective.

BeliefsBeliefsarethefundamentalframeworkofaperson’sactions.Abeliefisaperson’sunderstandingofwhatsomethingmeans.Somebeliefsmaybeasconcreteasfactualevidence,likescienceormathbutotherbeliefsmaybemorespirituallikereligionorideasbasedonpastexperiences.SomeprimeexamplesofbeliefsareMaryisthemotherofJesus,thatthereisanafterlifeormaybethereisn’tanafterlife,thatwomenandmenshouldbetreatedasequals,orthatpeoplearebornpure-hearted.Manybeliefsareformedintheearlystagesoflifeandbasedonthebeliefsofthosearoundyou(i.e.yourparentsandgrandparents).Mostbeliefsareformedbythereligionyougrowupin,theeducationyoureceiveasachild.Thebeliefsareformedbeforeyouevenfullyunderstandthem.HowcanasixyearoldrationalizetosomebodywhytheybelieveGodexists?Theysimplyunderstandtheirbeliefsbasedonwheretheyareandwhotheyarearound.Inadditiontofamilyandreligion,beliefsareformedinschool,fromTVandnewspapers,fromtheirfriendsandfriends’families.Manyofthesebeliefswillfollowusthroughfromchildhoodtoadulthoodandwillmainlybeformedbywhatourparentshavetaughtus.

ValuesAvalueisanemotionalstatethatyoubelieveisimportanttoupholdornotuphold.Valuesarethebehaviorsassociatedwithyourbeliefsystem.Theydeterminethethingsyoufindimportantinlifeandthestandardsyougiveyourself.SoabeliefmaybethatGodlivedalifeofpeaceandlove,hehelpedthepoorandwomenandchildrenalike.Thevalueassociatedwiththatmaybethatyoushouldalwaysbemindfulofthepoor,youshouldvolunteerandhelpothers.Thevalueassociatedwiththebelieftellsyouhowyoushouldliveyourlifeandhowtoact.Manyofthemostbasiclifevaluesthatpeoplearetryingtoupholdarehappiness,devotion,honesty,education,spirituality,andequality.

Someofthevaluespeoplearetryingtoescapeareanger,hate,prejudice,sadness,frustration,anddishonesty.Foreachvalueapersonholds,thereisabeliefsystemforhowthesevalueswillbecarriedout.

AttitudesAnattitudeisthementalstatethatlinksyourpersonalvaluesandthebehaviorsassociatedwiththem.Attitudesplayanimportantrole,astheyarenotasfirmlygroundedasyourbeliefandvaluesystems,andcanalsobeimpactedbyotherinfluenceinyourlife(stress,politics,thosearoundyou).Essentially,attitudeisaformofbeliefthatisflexibleanddependonthesituationyoufindyourselfin.

Beliefs,Attitudes,ValuesandtheRelationtoSixHumanNeedsAllpeoplerequirethesamebasicsixhumanneeds.However,everyperson’sbeliefs,attitudes,andvaluesareuniqueanddifferent.Thetwogroupsfeedoffofeachotherandinfluenceyoureverydaylife.Itisacomplexdancebetweenyourneedsandtheattitudes,values,andbeliefsyouhold.

ApplyingyourBeliefs,Attitudes,Values,andNeedsSitdownandmakealistofthevaluesyouwishtouphold(positivevalues)andthevaluesyouwishtoavoid(negativevalues).Onceyouhaveyourtwolists,organizethemstartingwithmostimportanttoleastimportant.Highlightthetopthreevaluesineachcategory.Youaregoingtoworkthemostonthese.Thenextstepistotakeyourtopsixvaluesandwritedownyourbeliefabouthowyoucanmeetthesevalues.Forexample,ifyouvaluecharityandhelpingothers,yourbeliefmaybethatyoudonateallofyourexcesstimeandmoneytohelpthoselessfortunatethanyou.Or,youmaybelievethatyoushouldvolunteeratleastonceamonthtoacharitableorganization.Whateveryoudecideisacceptableforyourlife,writedownyourexpectations.Compareyourlisttothelistofneeds.Howdothesetwolistsconnect?Nowtothinkcritically.Analyzeasituationinyourleftthatyoumadeabigdecisionabout.Howdidthisdecisionconnecttoyourbeliefs,values,attitudes,andneeds?Let’suseanexampletoexplainhowallofthesefactorsarerelated.Yourbeliefisthatallpeoplearecreatedequal.Youvalueequalityinallsituations.Yourneeds,inorderare;Significance,contribution,growth,uncertainty,loveandconnection,andcertainty.Yourcurrentsituation:Yougraduatefrommedicalschoolandneedtofindajob.Let’sassumeschoolwasmostlypaidforthroughscholarships.Youhavetwopossiblejobopportunities.Thefirstistostarta

practiceinyourcity,youknowthebusinessandfeelconfidentthattheoutlookforbusinessisgood.Youcanquicklymakealotofmoneyandbuyagreathouseandcontinueyourfuture.ThesecondoptionistoworkinHaitiforafewyearsandhelpvaccinatechildreninneed.Thejobwillnotpayverymuchatall,youwillbeawayfromyourfamilyforafewyears,butwhenyoureturn,youcanstillopenthatpractice.Chancesare,you’dpickthepositionabroad.Thisisbecauseitalignswithyourcorebeliefs,values,andattitudes.Ifyoutrulybelievethatallarecreatedequal,andyouhavethetimeandresourcestodevote,youshouldgohelpotherswhoarelessfortunate.Allsixneedsaremetwithworkingabroad.Youwillfeelsignificantbytakinganhonorableroute.Youwillhavecontributioninbeingabletohelpothers.Youfulfillyourbeliefthatallpeopleareequal.Youwillgrowasapersonfromthisexperienceasyoumeetmanypeople,differentcommunities,andlifeexperiences.Whereas,theoptionofstayinginyourcityandopeningapracticemayalsofulfillsomeofthesixneeds,itwillnotcontributetoyourvaluesandbeliefsregardingequality.Youhaveseenthispracticeinanexample,nowapplyittosomebodythatyouknow.Youmaynotbeabletofillineveryneed,asyoucannotalwaysthinkinthewaythatthatpersonmight,butdoyourbest.Comeupwiththebestanalysisyoucanandusetheinsightsyouhavebeengiven.Youwillbeabletocreateadecentanalysisofthesituation,andwhythatpersonchosethepaththeydid.Takeyourtimewhiledoingthis,asunderstandinghowalloftheseaspectsconnects,willbenefityouinyourfuturedecisionmaking.Manypeopledonottakethetimetothinkaboutwhytheydothingsthewaytheydo.Thispracticewillallowyoutoseetheinterconnectednessofthings.

BottomLinesAbottomlinereferstoavaluethatishard-wired,somethingyoulearnedwhenyouwereyoungandholdsvaluestill.Thesebeliefseffecteveryvalue,behavior,andattitudeyouhaveasyourlifecontinues.Thesebottomlinesarearesultofhowyourparents,guardians,etc.treatedyou.Tounderstandanotherperson,itisimportanttounderstandwhattheirbottomlineis.Forexample,onebottomlinemaybethatachildisimportantandvalued.Thischildgrewupwiththeirparentsalwaysallowingthemtocomefirst.Thechild’sneedsarefirstandforemostandwillalwaysbetakencareof.Wetherit’sclothing,attention,ormoney,thechildwillalwayscomefirst.Asthatchildgrowsup,theybecomeanadultwhofeelslikevaluedandimportant.Theywanttheirissuestobeaddressedandtheirneedsmet.Theywillnotsettleforlessandtheyfeelveryconfidentin

theirassertions.Thosewhointeractwiththisadultwillhavemoresuccessiftheyunderstandthisbottomline.Anotherexampleisachildwhowasraisedwithmanysiblings.Theydidn’treceiveasmuchparentalattention,howevertheyworkedwiththeirsiblingstomakesurethatallthekidsreceivedtheattentiontheyneeded.Allkidsworkedtogethertomakesuretheothersweresuccessful.Thisperson’sbottomlineisthatpeopleworktogether,theynevergiveuponanother.Asthispersonbecomesanadult,theygiveoftheirresourcesandtimetothosetheylove.Theywon’teverletpeopledown.Evenwhensignificantothersaren’tnecessarilypullingtheirweight,orneedmoreattention,thispersonwillgive.Itmayappearthattheyarebeingapushover,oroverextendingtheirresources,butthatisnotthecase.Thispersonwasraisedtohelpandlovetheonesaroundthemandtheywillnotgiveup.Manyfactorsareinvolvedinaperson’semotionaldevelopment,butonethingthatwillnotchange,istheirbottomline.Thiswillremainthesamethroughouttheirlifeunlesstheymakeanactivedecisiontochangeitandworkdiligentlytowardsit.

Followthrough&PracticalUseDoyouknowyourbottomlines?Ifyouarehavingtroublespinpointingyourbottomline,itmayhelpifyouwritedownafewsituationswhereyouhadastrongreactiontosomething.Workbackwards,startingwithyourphysical/emotionalreactionandworkingtowardsthebeliefyouhavethatmaybethefactordrivingyourdecisions.Nowdothisforsomebodythatyouhaveacloserelationshipto.Itisimportanttonotethatfindingyourbottomlinecantaketimeandisnotnecessarilyaneasyprocess.Bepatientinthisprocess,anditwillbeworthit.Theremaybeuncomfortablefeelingsassociatedwiththistypeofmentaldigging,butdon’tbedismayed,justaskforhelpfromothersifyouarehavingtrouble.

Chapter7—TransactionalAnalysis,theThreeEgo-States,andtheStrokeEconomyThischapterwillcoverthethreeegos,howtheyinteract,andthetypesofinteractionstheyhave.Itwillalsocoverthestrokeeconomyandanalternativeway.

TransactionalAnalysisIn1957,psychiatristEricBernedevelopedthetheoryofTransactionalAnalysis.Histheorydescribeshowpeoplecanunderstandtheirpersonalityandpsychologyforgrownandchange.Thischapterwilldescribesomeofthebasicprinciplesofhistheory,enoughforourpurposes.TransactionalAnalysisisthestudyofhowpeopleinteractwithothers.Atransactionbetweenpeopleinvolvestwoormorepeoplemeetingandexchanginginformation(whetherverbalorphysical).Hereferstothetransactionalstimulusasthemomentwhenonepersonacknowledgestheother.Thetransactionalresponseistheotherperson’sacknowledgementofthestimulus.Forexample;MaryandDaveareinlineattheDMV.MarylooksatDaveandsmiles.Hesmilewasthestimulus.Hisresponseof,“hello”wastheresponse.Bernethensuggeststhatpeoplerespondtoothersinoneofthethreeego-states.Theegostatesareparent,child,andadult.Itisimportanttonotethatone’segostatewilldifferfromsituationtosituationandarenotfixedstates.Allpeoplehavethecapacitytoactinanystate,sowearenowgoingtodescribeeachstate.

ParentTheparentegoisderivedfromthelearnedbehaviorsandrulesachildreceives,oftenfromaparent.Theserulesandobservationsareformedintheearlyyearsofanindividual.Theseobservationsoftencomefromaparentbutcanalsobefromanyadultthathasimpactonthechild.Itisimportanttonotethattheseobservationsarenotanalyzedbythechild,notunderstoodonadeeperlevel.Theyareface-valueideasandrulesthatapersonlearnstoliveby.Aprimeexamplewouldbe‘washyourhandsbeforedinner’ormaybe‘don’tplaywithfire.’Thechilddoesn’tfullyunderstandthepurposeofsaidrules,howevertheyknowtorememberthemandfollowthem.Ego-statecharacteristics:Individualsintheparentstatewillunknowinglyactliketheadultsthatwereofimportanceintheirearlyyears.Theywilltakeonthelearnedbehaviorsoftheirparentsfromchildhood.Agoodexampleisaperson

yellingatanotherpersonfordoingsomethingwrong,becausethatishowtheirownparentsrespondedtoothers.

ChildThepersonalitycharacteristicsofthechild-egoarecomprisedoftheemotionalresponsesapersonhadduringtheirearlyyears.Insimplestterms,thechildstatecanbethoughtofasthefeelingstate.Thisisapersonwhohasaninternalresponsetoagivensituation.Examplesofchildstateemotionsare‘Thedarkisscary’or‘It’sfunnytobetickled.’Ego-statecharacteristics:Anindividualinthechildstatewillrespondtosituationsthewayachilddoes—instantemotionalresponseswithnoreasoning.Somebodyinthisstatemightsulkbecausetheyareunhappy,oractgleefulbecausetheyarehappy.

AdultThepersonalitycharacteristicsoftheadultstateareactuallycombinationsoftheothertwoegostates.Theadultcombinestheparentandchildstateandbuildsabridgebetweenthem.Wheretheparenttoldthechildwhattodo,andthechildlistened;theadultlistensasthechild,butbuildstheunderstandingastoWHY.Foranexamplefromourpreviousstates,‘It’sscarywhenit’sdark’theadultwouldviewthisas‘It’sscarywhenit’sdarkbecauseyoucan’tseewhat’shappeningandcrimeismoreprevalentatnight.’Ego-statecharacteristics:Individualsintheadultstateareabletousereasontofigureoutasituationandlogictoformaconclusion.Apersonintheadultstateisabletocalmlyandrationallythinkthroughasituation,analyzingdifferentsolutionstotrulyunderstandwhat’sgoingon.Theadultusestheirexperiencesinthechildstatetonegotiatefeelings.AnimportantaspectofTransactionalAnalysisisthefactthatmanypeoplecannotaccessrecordedmemoriesinthebrainthatactuallytriggeremotions.Theemotionsarestillthereandinfluenceyourlife,butyoumaynotunderstandwhy.Anexampleofthiswouldbeanindividualthatisafraidofwater.Theyhavenorecollectionofunfortunateeventsinvolvingwater,buttheyjustcan’tseemtogetpastthisfear.Maybethisadulthadanincidentwhentheywereasmallchild,anddonotremembertheincidentclearly,however,theincidentisrecordedinthebrainandthefearemotionislinkedtoit.Whenevertheindividualisaroundwater,thatrecordedemotionoffearresurfacesliketheoriginalsituation

happenedalloveragain.

BerneandFreudBerne’stheoryoftheChild,Parent,andAdulthavemanysimilaritiestoFreud’sId,Ego,andSuperego.However,itisimportanttonotethemaindifferencebetweenthetwomen’stheories.Freudbelievedthatifyoudugenoughintoyourpast,youcanuncoverthosememoriesandrecallthesituationsthattriggeryouremotions.Bernebelievedthatyoucangetasimilarunderstandingbywatchingtheexperiencesofothers.Berne’segostatesarerolesthatappearduringinteractionwithothers,whereasFreud’sId,Ego,andSuperegoarefixedwithintheindividuals.

IdentifyingtheStatesItisnotasimpletasktodeterminewhichemotionalstateapersonisit,however,itispossible.Hereisalistofobservationsthatcanbeusedtodeterminewhereapersonlies.Itisnotnecessarytoshowallofthesigns,andsometimespeoplewillhavesignsinmultiplecategories.Thereisnosimplecategorytodescribeanyperson,butthislistwillhelpyougetstarted.SignsforaParent:lecturing,beingoverlycritical,actingsuperior,adominantstance,shakingyourfinger,staringsomebodydown,overlyvoicingyouropinionsandpushingthemontoothers,nagging.SignsforaChild:headhangingdown,avoidingeyecontact,fidgeting,slumpedposture,tappingfeetorswimminglegs,pouting,ahigh-pitchedvoiceorwhine,beingoverlyquiet,lowself-confidence,nervousness,beingfrightened,yelling,cryingdramatically.SignsforanAdult:Acceptingalternativeviews,relaxedposture/bodylanguage,confidenttoneofvoicewithassertivevolume,talkingthroughemotions,sharingperspectiveopenly,abletocorrelateemotionswiththereasonsforthem,takesresponsibilityforthings.

AssessingtheStatesinActionWhenindividualsinteractwitheachothertheywilleachsubscribetooneemotionalstate.Thestatesarenotdeterminedbyageandarenotfixed,meaningtheycanchangesituationtosituation.Allindividualswillprimarilyfallintoonestatethemostoften.Itwouldbeidealforadultstoremainintheadultstate,withtheabilitytoanalyzeandunderstandtheothersaroundusinanon-biasedmanner.Itisanadvantagetobeabletodetermineanotherperson’semotional

statewhileinteractingwiththem.Emotionalstatesdeterminehowapersonrespondstoaspecificsituation.Ifyoucanpinpointtheirmostcommonemotionalstate,youwillbemoresuccessfulatinteractingandcommunicatingwiththem.Understandingaperson’sbackgroundwillhelpdeterminetheiremotionalstate.Forexample,ifSallygrewuptakingcareofhersiblings,shemightbepronetotheParentstate.Inadditiontothebenefitsofunderstandingsomebody’semotionalstate,understandinghowemotionalstatesinteractcanprovehelpfulinanalyzingsituations.Emotionalstatesareoftenplayedoffofeachother.Forexample,ifonepersonbeginstotakeontheParentrole,thepersontheyareinteractingwithmayresorttotheChildrole.IfthesecondpersonisstrongenoughtowithstandtheParentperson,theymaybeabletotakeontheAdultroleandhandleitsmoothly.

SituationsExplainedParenttoChildexample:Onepersonisstandingtallwithasnarlontheirface.Theyhavetheirhandsrestingontheirhipsandtheysay,“You’redoingitallwrong.”Thesecondpersonisstandinginfrontofthefirst,handsheldtogether,withtheirheadhanginglowastheysay,“Oops,Imesseditallup.”Thisisatypicalparentchildcommunicationthatdoesnotneedtooccurwithintheboundsofparentandchild.Thisinteractioncouldtakeplacebetweencoworkers,friends,adults,ortwochildren.AdulttoAdultexample:Oneadultstandingrelaxed,butassertivesays,“Ithurtmyfeelingswhenyouwerejokingaroundwithmeyesterday.IthoughtyoushouldknowhowIfeltsowedon’thavetohavethisexperienceinthefuture.”Theotherpersonissittingrelaxedwithanunderstandingandslightlyconcernedfaceastheysay“I’msorryIhurtyourfeelings.Ithoughtitwasokaytojokelikethat,butI’llmakesurenottodoitinthefuture.”

Complementaryvs.CrossedTransactionalSituationsAlltransactionalsituationswillbeginwithastimulus,oronepersonacknowledgingortalkingtoanother.Thestimuluswillalmostalwaysbefollowedbyaresponse,theotherpersonacknowledgingthefirst.Eachcombinationoftransactionalstateswillresultinadifferent,individualizeddynamic.Therearetwomaincategoriesfortransactionalsituations.Theycaneitherbe‘crossed’or‘complementary.’Acrossedinteractionreferstoasituationwheretwoindividualsarerespondingindifferentstates.Thestimulusdoesn’t

gettheproperresponseandthisendswithalackincommunication,conflict,orconfusion.Thesecondtypeoftransactionalsituationiscomplementary.Inacomplementaryinteractionreferstobothpeoplehavingthesamestateandthestimuluspromptsanappropriateresponseforthatstate.Inotherwords,theyarebothcomingatasituationfromthesameemotionalstance,andareabletoeffectivelycommunicate.

SituationalExamples

ExampleOneTom:‘Haveyouwalkedthedog?’Sarah:‘Yes.Itookheroutearlier.’Toanalyze;bothTomandSarahareinthesameemotionalstateoftheAdult.TomasksafirmquestionandSarahrespondspositivelyandwiththeinformationheneeded.Thiswasasuccessfultransaction

ExampleTwoTom:‘Haveyouwalkedthedog?’Sarah:‘No!It’snotmyjobtoalwaystakeherout.Don’tblamemeforitnotgettingdone.It’sallyourfault!’Toanalyze;TomaskedSarahaquestionintheAdultstate.SarahrespondedintheChildstateanditstartedaconflict.Thecombinationofthesetwostatescanresultinmiscommunicationsorsidetrackthemainquestion.

ExampleThreeTom:‘Heysweetie,didyoutakethedogoutearlier?Youknowsheloveswhenyoudo!’Sarah:Smiling,‘Yes,andIdidagreatjobtoo!’Toanalyze;Tomaskedaquestionwhilemaintainingtheparentstate.HeexpectedSarahtorespondintheChildstate.WhenSarahrespondedintheChildstate,theircommunicationwaseffective.Inthissituation,TomwasactuallyanadultandSarahwasactuallyachild.

ExampleFourTom:‘Babe,didyoutakethedogout?Sheloveswhenyoudo,you’redogoodatit!’Sarah:‘No,andyou’renotgoingtopersuademetodoitbytalkingtomelikethat.Nicetry.Butnexttimejustaskmetodoit.’Toanalyze;TomspoketoSarahinamannerthatismoreappropriateforParenttoChild.SinceSarahisanadultinthissituation,shewasoffendedbythewayhespoke,butshemanagedtokeephercomposureintheAdultstate.

RealLifeApplicationCanyoudeterminethestateyouspendthemosttimein?Thinkofarecentsituationyouhadthatlastedatleastafewminutesandtrytofigureoutwhatemotionalstateyouwereinandwhatstatetheotherpeopleinvolvedwerein.

PuttingTheorytoUseUnderstandingyouremotionalstate,andthestatesofothersaroundyoucanhaveaprofoundimpactonthecommunicationsyouhave.Withyourrecentsituationinmind,tryandthinkaboutthepatternsinyourcommunication.Isitclearthatyouseemtofallintoonestatemorethananother?Doestheotherpersonseemtofallintoonestateaswell?Whatstatesarethey?Howdotheyinteract?ItispreferabletospendmostofourcommunicationsintheAdultstate,asitiseasiertocommunicateeffectivelyandpolitely.Ifyouhavefoundthatyouareinvolvedinagreatdealofconflict,analyzethestateyouareinduringtheseconflicts.CoulditbethatyoutenstoresorttotheParentstagewhiletalkingtootheradults?OrdoyoueasilyhaveproblemseffectivelycommunicatingwithothersbecauseyoufallintotheChildstateandcan’tconveyyourthoughtsandemotionswell?Ifyouseemtohavecrossedtransactions,dissectthosesituationsandtrytoadjustyourstateforthenexttimeyoucommunicatewithanotherperson.Bylearningthestates,youcanlearnhowyoushouldcommunicatewithothers.Itmaynotalwaysbeeasy,youmayhavetoadjustyourinneremotionsandreallystructureyourconversation,butitwillresultinmoreeffectivecommunication.Ifyouhavefoundthatanotherpersonseemstohaveadifficulttimewithconversationorconflict,andyouareclosetothisperson,itmaybeworthyourtimetoexplaintransactionalanalysistothemandhowitworks.Whendoingthis,itiscrucialtoavoidfallingintotheParentstate.RemainintheAdultstateandcalmlyrationalizehowtheotherperson’sstatemaybeinterferingwithcohesivecommunication.Remembertotakeresponsibilityforyourbehaviorinthecommunicationaswell.Explainthistheoryascuriousornewinformation,somethinginteresting.Understandingtransactionalanalysiscanhaveatremendouseffectonyourcommunicationatworkaswell.Inthesesituationsitwillprobablynotbenefityoutoexplainthetheorytoothers,butitwillbenefityoutounderstandwhatstatespeoplefallintoandhowtocommunicateeffectivelyinthosestates.YoumayfindthatyouoftenspeakintheParentstateandthatothershaveahardtime

withthewayyoutreatthem.Youmaywanttoadjustthissoyourcoworkersoremployeesdon’ttakeitasyoutreatingthemlikeaChild.Beingperceptivetowardstransactionalanalysiswillhelpyougetyourpointacrossinaclear,concise,politemanner.

TheImportanceofScriptsTransactionalanalysisiscloselyrelatedtotheformationofouregostatesasachild.Essentially,whenweareyoungwedeveloppatternsthatarepresentedinoursocialinteractions.Aswegrowup,manyofthesepatternsstickwithusandformourcommunicationpatterns.It’salmostasifwearetaughthowtoactinsituationsfromayoungageandstickwithitthroughoutourlives.Someofourpatternswillbepositiveandhelpusgrowandcommunicate,andsomewillhinderusfromsucceedingincommunication.Ifyoufindaproblemandwishtochangeyourscript,youmustfirstanalyzeyourselfandyouractions.Youcanmoldanewpathwithyouregostates,butittakestimeandeffort.

CaseStudy—ClaireClairewasbornintoastrugglingfamily.Shehadmanysiblingsandherparentsweremostlyabsent.Shehelpedtoraisehersiblingsandtookonmanyparentresponsibilities.Whenshewas10,sheandhersiblingswerealltakenintostatecustodyandraisedinseparatefosterhomes.Inordertosurvive,ClairehadtoactasanAdultinmanysituations.Whensheneededsomethingorhadtotakecareofherself,shewasableto.Shewasoftenseenasrudetoherfriendswhenshetalkedaboutherlifeandalltheresponsibilitiesshehad.ShespoketothemfromaParent-Childperspective,belittlingherfriends.Itwashardtosocializeandinteractwithpeersbecauseofthedisruptinherchildhoodegostates.Shewasforcedtotakeonthisrolewhenshewastooyoungandoftencarrieditoverintohersocialinteractions.Unfortunately,herlackofattentionasakidledhertodisruptivebehaviorsatschool.Shewasoftendisplayingattention-seekingbehaviorsinclassandactinglikeaclassclown.HerneedforattentiondisplayeditselfinaChildego.Sheoftenfoundherselfintroubleatschoolandfeltlikeanoutsider.Asshegotolder,Clairewantedtoformbetterrelationshipsandhopefullyscoreajob.Sheknewthatherbehaviorwouldhavetochangeinorderforhertobesuccessful.Sherentedbooksfromthelibraryabouttransactionalanalysisandego-states,andsetforthonamissiontobetterherself.WhensherecognizedthatherAdultstatewasunabletoproperlyformbecauseofherParent-Child

disruptions,shereadabouthowindividualsactintheAdultstate.Shetookstepstowardscorrectingherbehaviorandfoundwaystoadjusthercommunicationstyle.Afterworkingtowardshergoal,shewasabletosuccessfullylandajob.Inadditiontothejob,shefoundherselfrelatingtoherpeersonanappropriatelevel,andevenmakingsomefriends.Hereffortsweresuccessful.

TheStrokeEconomyInthe1960s,ClaudeSteinerdevelopedhistheoryoftheStrokeEconomy.HistheorywasbasedonTransactionalAnalysisandRobbin’stheoryofthesixbasicneeds.TheStrokeEconomyisefficientwhenitcomestounderstandinginteractionsbetweenpeopleandtheirreactions.Claude’stheoryfocusesoneofRobbin’sneeds;love.Claudebelievedthatallpeopleareessentiallyseekingtobelovedandtolove.Wefearnotbeinglovedbyothersandstrivetofindit.Bernefocusedona‘stroke’inhisconclusionsaswell.Hereferredtothestrokeasbeingrecognized.Everybodywantstoberecognized,whetherasmile,anod,orasweet‘Hello.’Itisimportanttounderstandthatnotallstrokesarepositive.Beingrecognizedforsomethingisnotalwaysaffirmative.Peoplecaneasilyberecognizedforpoorthings,likebadbehavior.Claudetheorizedthatallpeopleneedstrokestofeelsuccessful,andifwecan’tgainpositivestrokes,negativeoneswillsuffice.Thestrokeeconomyalignsitselfwellwiththe‘bottomline’theoryofunderstandingandRobbin’ssixneeds;significance.ClaudeSteinersawmanypeopleactinginaparticularwayandcameupwiththeStrokeEconomyasanexplanationforsaidactions.

The5RulesThatWillMakeYouMiserableSteiner’sStrokeEconomyiscomprisedoffiverulesthathebelievedweshouldavoid.Hefoundthatthefiveruleswillleaveyoufeelingguilty,shameful,notworthy,anddisapprovedofinsocialsituations.TheserulesmustbecontrolledbytheParentego.Steinerfoundthatpeoplewholivebytheserulestendtohavelowself-esteem.Hisrulesareasfollows;1)Donotgivestrokesthatyouwouldliketogive.Ifyouseeastrangerandthinkthattheyaregorgeous,butyoudon’twanttobeseenasacreepforsayingsuch,don’t.20Donotaskforstrokesthatyouwanttoget.Ifyouarefeelingfrumpyandwouldliketohearthatyoulookgood,don’tgoaskingforacompliment.3)Donotacceptstrokesthatyouwanttohear.Ifsomebodytellsyouthatyouarelookingnice,donotsimplynodandagree,itcomesoffaslookingsnotty.40Donotrejectthestrokesthatyoudon’twant.Ifsomebodytellsyouthatyou’rehavingabadhairday,don’tdenyit.Just

accept.5)Donotgiveyourselfstrokes.Don’ttellyourselfthatyouarevaluable,gorgeous,worthy,andloved.IFyoudon’tcelebrateyouraccomplishes,youwilljustbehardonyourself.

StrokeEconomyinActionLet’sbeginbymakingalistofstrokesthatyou’vegottentodayandtheonesyouhavegiven.Areyoufollowingalongwiththestrokeeconomy?Thinkaboutanimportantrelationshipinyourlife.Couldthisrelationshipbebetterifyouweren’tasimpactedbytherulesinthestrokeeconomy?Doestheotherpersonsubscribetothestrokeeconomy?Didyoulearnanythingaboutthisperson?

AnAlternativeWayHereisthealternativetofollowingthemiserablerules:1)Giveallthestrokesyouwouldliketogive.Donotbeturnedawaybecausetheideaofgivingpositivestrokeswouldmakeyouvulnerable.Goahead,tellthestrangersheisprettyandtellthepersonyoulove,‘Iloveyou.’2)Askforstrokesthatyoudesire.Youcan’talwaysspendyourtimehopingtohearsomethingnice,tellsomebodyyoucareaboutthatyou’refeelingdownandwanttohearsomethingpositive.Askforhelpandsupport,they’llgiveit.3)Acceptnegativestrokes.Wedon’tallhearthethingswewanttohear,butacceptingitwillbegoodforyou.Peoplearetellingyouthesethingsforareason,solisten.4)Goaheadandrejectstrokesthatyoudon’tlike.Ifastrangerslapsyourbutt,goaheadandtellthemthattheyaregross.Don’tholditin.Beboldandletpeopleknowthatsomethingsaren’tgoingtoflywithyou.Bearinmindthatkeepingyourcomposurewillbenefityou.Don’tloseyourcool.5)Giveyourselfthestrokesyouwant.Youareawareofthethingsyouneedandwant,tellingyourselfthatyou’regreatwillmakeyoufeelgood.Youneedtosupportyourselffirstandforemost.Thinkingpositivelywillhelpyouactpositively.Ifyouwantpeopletounderstandyouandhelpyou,goaheadandfollowtheserules.Theywillhelpbuildhealthyrelationshipsasyouexpressyourdesires,needs,andemotions.Bybeingpositiveandopen,youwillhelptheothersaroundyouhavethissameattitude.Ifyou’rehavingahardtimefiguringsomebodyelseout,behonest.Whetherstrangersorthoseclosetous,followingthisstrokeeconomywillhelpyouunderstandpeople.Itdoesnottakealotofexperiencetoseewhethersomebodyisabidingbythestrokeeconomyorthealternativeway.

RealWorldUseNowtousemadeupscenariostoexplainthestrokeeconomyandthealternative

way.Trytodeterminewhichmethodeachpersonisusing.Ifyouarehavingadifficulttime,gobackovertherules.Don’tcheat!Don’tlookattheanalysisuntilyou’vemadeyourdecision.

SituationOneTom:Asmileonhisface,‘You’relookingnicetoday!Didyougetanewoutfit?’Sarah:Avoidingeyecontact,‘Um,yeah,it’snew…’Analysis:TomhasusedthealternativewaybygivingSarahapositivestroke.Sarahissubscribingtothestrokeeconomyassheisnotabletoaccepthiscompliment.

SituationTwoTom:SmilesandholdsthedooropenforSarah.Sarah:AcceptsTom’sgestureandwalksthroughthedoorsaying,‘Thanks!’Analysis:TomandSaraharesubscribingtothealternativeway.TomgaveherapositivestrokeandSarahacceptedthepositivestroke.

SituationThreeInthissituationTomisSarah’sboss.Tom:SeesthatSarahhasbeendoingafinejobbutwon’tpraiseherasitmightmakehimappearweak.Sarah:Shebelieve’sshe’sbeenworkingreallyhardanddoingagreatjob.SheasksTom,‘CanIhavealittlefeedbackabouthowI’vebeendoing?IwanttoknowifI’mbeingsuccessful.Analysis:TomisadheringtothestrokeeconomybynotpositivelypraisingSarah.Sarahissubscribingtothealternativeway,assheseesthatapositivestrokecanhelpherbesuccessfulemotionallyandatwork.Sheknowshowtogetherneedsmet,soshe’sgoingtoaskforherstroke.

SituationFourSarahisTom’smom.Sarah:‘Youhavebeenactinglikeaniceboylately.Iwantyoutoknowthatyou’reworkingveryhardandIloveyousomuch.’Tomsays,‘Thanksmom!Iloveyoutoo!’Analysis:SarahandTomareadheringtothealternativewaybygivingstrokesandacceptingstrokes.Trytofollowthealternativewayforawhile.Shewhathappens.Dopeoplerespondpositivelytoyou?Doesithelpyou?Howdoothersactwhenyouusethismethod?Areyouabletodrawanyconclusionsaboutthesepeople?

AManUnderaMicroscopeThestrokeeconomyisapowerfultooltowardsself-actualizationandanalysisofthosearoundyou.Nextwewilllookatatruestoryofamanwhoadheredtothe

strokeeconomyandeventuallydecidedtochangehiswaysandchoosethealternativeway.

Casestudy—BillyBillywasoneofmanychildren.Hisfamilydidnothavealotofmoneyandhegrewupnotwantingmanyofthematerialpossessionsthatmanyhad.Hisclothesmayhavebeensecondhandandhistoyswerefew,buthedidn’twantmore.Hisfamilywasunabletogivehimtheattentionheneeded,asbothparentsworkedlonghoursanddidn’thavealotoffreetime.Billy’ssisterstookcareofhimmostofthetime,buttheywerebusydoingtheirownthings.Billydidnotreceivemanypositivestrokes,andoftenactedoutatschool.Hegottheattentionhedesiredbyactingout.Itmayhavebeennegativeattention,butitwassomething.AsBillygotolder,herealizedthathisnegativebehaviorwasn’tgoingtogethimanywhere.Ifhewantedtosucceed,hehadtostopseekingnegativestrokes.Herealizedhehadtoworkhardtowardschanginghisways,butthatthepayoutcouldbemassive.Whenhisbehaviorstartedtochange,hestillwasn’treceivingpositivestrokes,aspeoplewerecriticizinghimandtellhimheshouldhavealwaysactedlikethis.ThisleftBillyunsureofwhattodo.Hewasonlongertryingtogetnegativestrokes,butdidn’tknowhowtoaskforpositiveones.Robertbegantofallintoadepression,ashewasn’tsurehowtobehappy.Hestoppedgivingotherspositivestrokesbecausehewasjealousthathewasn’tgettingany.Hewasangryandvulnerable,justwantingtoconnecttoothers.Whenhewasnearly30yearsold,hefellintoabaddepression.Hequitworking,stoppedvisitingthefamily,andlostallhopeforlife.Whenhisfriendsandfamilyfinallynoticedhisneedforhelp,theysenthimtorehabandtherapy.Afterthreemonthsinacommunityofloveandcompassion,herealizedthesourceofhisdepression.Ittookalongtime,buteventuallyhewasabletorealizehisneedsandlearnedhowtomeetsaidneedsinapositiveway.NowBillyisfullyawareofthestrokeeconomyandthealternativeway.Hehasdecidedtolivehislifebythealternativeway.Heisnotabletoaskforthehelpheneedsandreceivesthepositivestrokeshedesires.

Chapter8–WhatIstheDramaTriangle?Thebestwaytoreally“get”someone,tounderstandthemonadeeperlevel,istonoticetheirinteractionswithotherpeople.

Forexample,ifyounoticeanintenseargumentbetweentwopeopletrytostudyhowtheyactwitheachother.Youwillnoticesomehintsofhoweachparticipantseesthemselvesinrelationto“theother.”

From that, you can gather how theymight act in the same scenario, butwithotherdialogueparticipants.

Thatiswhatthedramatriangleis.It’sbasicallyawaytounderstandthesesocialinteractionsandwhytheyhappen.

HowtheConceptCametoBeIfyou’veheardaboutPTSD(Post-TraumaticStressDisorder)thiswillbeeasiertounderstand.AfterWorldWar2,manyveteranshadtomanagetheirpost-wartrauma.

As such, they went to therapy sessions before they even got back to theirfamilies.Now,someofthosetherapysessionsweresuccessfulandtheyadjustedbacktofamilylife.Othersweren’taslucky,unfortunately.

Thus,familytherapywascreated.Therapistsfeltthattreatingpeopleinasocialsettingwouldyieldmuchbetterresultsthandealingwiththembythemselves,asindividuals

They felt that focusing on communication as a therapeutic method would bemoreinlinewiththetruehumanpsyche.

EricBerneelaboratedonthefindingsofthosetherapists10yearsorsolater.Hefurtheredtheunderstandingofinter-relationalpsychologytohiscontemporariesandbroughtmorecomplexexplanationstoexistingdata.

StephenKarpmanwas the onewho came upwith the “KarpmanTriangle” in1968. He was one of Berne’s students and managed to use his teacher’sinformationandhelptopublishhisownarticle.

The Karpman Triangle is a template in which one could define what role acertainpersonplaysinsocialinteractions.Especiallyinintenselyemotionalones(asitwasexplainedbefore).

Karpman’sarticlewasinspiredfromresearchonfamilytherapy,aswellasideasused in transactional therapy. It also elaborated on the importance of groupinteractionsinthewholeschemeofthings.

So,WhatUseDoesItHave?TheKarpman(ordrama)triangleisanexcellenttechniquetoknowwhenyou’rewatching a social interaction unfold. Or, why not, when you’re actuallyparticipatinginone–thatiswhyit’simportanttoapplyitinyourowncaseaswell.

It’s useful for deciphering the social signals others might be sending you.Similarly, it’s helpful if you want to understand why people respond to yoursignalsthewaytheydo.

Firstoff,we’regoingtotalkabitaboutthethreerolesyouwillfindinthedramatriangle.Heretheyare,alongwiththeircharactertraits:

ThePersecutorAsthenameimplies,ThePersecutoristheaggressiveoneinthewholeequation.Theyareusuallyangryorblamingsomeoneforsomethingorother.

ThedefiningcharacteristicofThePersecutoristheairofsuperioritytheytake.Theynevercompromise,andliketobosspeoplearound.

TheVictimThesepeople,ontheotherhand,alwaysfeelliketheyarebeingoppressed,withnopowertofightback.It’sveryhardforthemtofindanypositivityinanything,andcanneverexpressthemselvesproperly.

Ultimately, they feel like they are helpless and without hope for the future –alwaysinastateofvictimization.

TheRescuerYouguessedit–TheRescuersavesthepreviouscharacterfromthefirst.Thoughselflessandaltruistic,hishabitsaresometimesdetrimentaltoTheVictim.

This is because he acts as an enabler of The Victim’s constant feeling ofvictimization.Notonlythat,butTheRescuercanalsopushThePersecutortoactinthesamebossy,“superior”way.

Sothesearethethreerolesapersonmaytakeoninanintense,emotionalsocialinteraction.

Ofcourse,interactionsthatendwithanamicabledisagreementhaveadifferenttriangletothem.ItiscalledtheWinner’sTriangleandwillbediscussedlater.

In themeantime, let’s return to our persecutor, victim, and rescuer, shall we?Anypersonwillnormallybeoneofthesethreetypesinalmostanyargument.

But,thatdoesn’tmeanwecan’ttakeondifferentrolesatothertimes.TheVictimcanalwaysbecomeThePersecutororviceversa.

Stressfulsituationscanhaveuscyclethroughallthreerolesinonego.Thatalsodependsonothersintheconversationandbyhowwetendtointeractwiththem.

Now,whilewecanshiftthroughtheserolesattimes,thedominantrolewillbedecidedduringourformationyears.Ourfamilies,earlysocial interactions,andexperienceswilldefinewhowearelaterinlife.

Therearesomequestionsthatarisefromtheabove:

Is it healthy to be in any of the three positions? Not really, as themotivationbehindtakingonthemantleofPersecutor,Victim,orRescuerisimplicitlyunhealthy.Theydon’tleadtoanysortofachievements–sowhydowekeepactinglikeoneofthesethreearchetypes?

Itallcomesdowntohumannature,really.Noteveryparentwillproperlyraisetheir child to assert themselves in a healthymanner.Norwill they be able toteach them good ways of getting what they want without some destructiveimpulsesgettingintheway.

Assuch,whenwedogetintoasituationwherewewanttoachievesomething–weshiftintooneofthosethreeroles.Wefeelemboldenedbybecomingoneofthearchetypes,butindoingsowe’reactuallydoingmoredamagethangood.

Transactional theory also deals with this concept. People can take on threepossible roles: Parent, Adult, or Child. These roles are, of course, chosenaccordingtohowwewerebroughtuptointeractwithothers.

Theyalsorelatetoourexperiences,andareawayofaffirmingourselvesintheworld.Thequestionremainsastowhetherthesemethodsarehealthyornot.

Inanycase,let’sgetbacktoourthreeprimarycharacters.Bytakingontheroleofpersecutor,victim,orrescuer,therearecertain“rewards”peoplereceive:

Superficial – the reason onewould choose that role in the first place, a

short-termbenefit;Profound–along-termbenefitiftheyweretotakeonthatroleformostoftheirwakinghours;

Theserewardswillbedetailedforeachpersona,respectively.

ThePersecutorWhenitcomestothesuperficialrewardsofthePersecutor,itallcomesdowntohowtheydealwiththeirself-esteem.

Mostofthetime,thePersecutorhaslowself-esteem,sotheyemanateanairofimportancetoothers.That,inturn,willmakethemfeelnoticedandsignificant(eventhoughtheymightnotbe).

It all gives thema sense of control that they cannot get throughotherways –becausetheyhavenotbeenraisedtoproperlydealwithsuchsituations.

It’san“easywayout”ofhavingtoactuallydealwiththeunderlyingfeelingsofabandonment and hurt. Plus, it’s their way of punishing themselves for theirbehavior;awaytoreinforcetheirownbeliefthatthey’rebadpeopleatheart.

Inthelongterm(or,theprofound“reward”)thePersecutorrealizesthatthey’reactuallybadforacting thewaytheyare.Simplyput, theyareunpleasant tobearound,andpeoplewillwanttoavoidtheirpersecutorbehavior.

OneusualhabitofthisarchetypeistolurepeoplewhoareconstantlyintheroleofTheVictim.Theyendupinaconstantback-and-forth,andtheprocessrepeatsitselfwhenTheVictimhashadenoughoftheformer’sshenanigans.

In the end, The Persecutor realizes that theywill never get the recognition orfulfillmentthey’resodesperatelyseeking.

TheVictimOntheotherendofthetriangle,wehavethevictimwithaboutthesameinternalissues.Theyrequirecareandlove,sotheywilleternallyplayvictimforpeopletonoticethem.Theattentionistheirsuperficial,short-termreward.

Theworstpart is that they feel they shouldn’thaveanyof theblame for theiractions. Yes, that means always shifting responsibility onto someone orsomethingelse.

Whatmay result from that is someonewho acts however theywant, becausethey will always get their “fix” of attention. Whether it’s negative (from the

Persecutor),orpositive(fromtheRescuer)isoflittleimportance.

In the long run, theVictims realize that theymust take responsibility for theiractionsifpeoplearetostopavoidingthem.

That means trying to cope with their pessimistic world-view, and attemptingsomepositivityforachange.

Unfortunately,theVictimalmostneverfeelsincontroloftheirowndestinybutwillnevertakestepstochangethat–preferringinsteadtoliveinconstantself-loathing.

Theywillalsoactasenablersforthepersecutorsandrescuers.

TheRescuerSuperficially,thisarchetypeisstilllookingforfeelingsofappreciationandlovefromothers.Assuch,theywillconcentratealltheirattentiononothers.

Thatmeanstheyneverconsider theirownneedsandproblems,whichisstillanegative trait. Unlike the Persecutor, these characters become “assertive” bybeingextremelyaltruistic.

Theycanalsounleashtheirdeep-seatedangerinthenameoftheVictimbecausethey feel they shouldn’t be too hard on their own selves. That will possiblylessentheirfeelingsofrejection.

Still,theRescuerwillbesooccupiedwithotherVictimsthattheywillneverfindtimefortheirownneeds–justfortheshort-termgoalofbeingseenasaselflessperson.

Inthelongrun,theRescuerwilljustendupfeelingneglected,andwillenduphatingtheVictimsforit.Since“selfless”peoplealwayscareforothersandneveraskforanythinginreturn,theirneedsareoverlooked.

Itcomesasnosurprise that thiswill reinforce their thoughtsof insignificance.JustastheVictim,theRescuerneveractsforthemselves.

Instead,theyactasanenablerforVictimsandPersecutors.Also,theywillendupburningoutbynotpayinganyattentiontotheirownfeelings–andhavingto“bethere”foreverybody.

HowtheDramaTriangleLooksLikeinPracticeLet’s look at an example of how a Drama Triangle would work out. Our

charactersarenamedTerry,Alice,andJane.

Terrydidn’ttakethedogoutashepromisedsomanytimes.Aliceendsupdoingitherself,andhasbecomesickofit.Janeisafriendwhohappenstovisiteveryonceinawhile.

Alice:‘Youhaven’twalkedthedoglikeIaskedyoutodo.HowmanytimesdoIhavetorepeatitbeforeyoudoit?’

Terry:‘I’msorry,honey!Don’tgetsoangryovernothing.’

Alice: ‘Nothing?You never take out the dog!Maybe I’d like to have time tomyselfsometimes,youknow?’

Jane: ‘Now, now,Alice.YouknowTerry isn’t doing it intentionally.He’s justbeenbusyattheofficeandthebossaskedhimtodosomeextraworkathome.Noneedtoshout.’

WhatDoWeGatherfromThisDiscussion?Alice,thePersecutor, isannoyedthatshehasnotimeforherself.Shefeelsit’sallthefaultoftheVictim,Terry.

He, on the other hand, doesn’t feel responsible for his actions and lets out aninappropriateresponseforthiscase.Asaconsequence,AlicegoesevenfurtherintoPersecutormode.

JaneactsastheRescuerinthewholeordeal.SheexcusesTerryfornotwalkingthedogashesaidhe’ddo.Terrywillendup“clearedofresponsibility”becausetheRescuerhastakenhisside.

Alicewillinevitablygetangrierbecauseshefeelsthey’reputtingtheblameonher. As such, Jane acts as an enabler for Terry the Victim and Alice thePersecutor.

TryThisYourself!You too can create aDrama Triangle and explore how your interactionswithotherswork.Dothefollowing:

Thinkofthreerecentargumentsorconflictsyouparticipatedin;Write them down similarly to the example above – no need toovercomplicatethem;Makesuretobehonestobjectiveinyouranalysis–ifyouputinyourowninterpretation,theanalysiswillbeflawed;

TrytofigureoutwhofilledtheroleofVictim,Persecutor,andRescuer;

Intheend,youwilltrytodeterminewhichroleyoufillinmostofthetime.AreyoualwaysPersecutingeveryone?PlayingtheeternalVictim?

Now, try to think of the reason why that happens. Also, consider how yourbehavior affects you and those around you.Do the same for the other partiesinvolvedintheconflict(s).

All things considered, this all soundsmildly depressing, unhealthy, and filledwithconflict. Is thereawayofdealingwithconflict that’shealthyat thesametime?Well,that’swhywehavetheWinner’sTriangle.

WhatIstheWinner’sTriangle?AceyChoycreatedthismodelatthebeginningofthe90s.WhatisitsrelationtotheDramaTriangle?

Well,usingtheexerciseweprovidedintheprevioussection,youcangainabitofinsightintoyourreactions.

Bystudyingthose,youcanunderstandwhenyou’re takingona“Drama”role,and work towards healthier ones. Namely, the ones in theWinner’s Triangle.Herearethethreeroleswewillbediscussing:

AssertiveThe assertive person has no trouble expressing themselves clearly. Theirthoughts will not sound passive or aggressive, and they do not care for anypossiblerejectionordisapproval.

Instead,anAssertivewillvoicetheiropinionwithcalm,andwilltrynottofeedthefiresofconflict.Thishelpsothersunderstandwhereyou’recomingfrom.

Unlike the Persecutor, people will not hate you for simply telling everyonethey’re wrong about you. If you communicate your thoughts clearly, you canavoidsomeheadacheswellinadvance.

VulnerableA Vulnerable is basically a Victim but without the constant victim complex.Theycommunicatetheirnegativefeelings,butwillassumeresponsibilitywhenthatisthecase.

Furthermore,theyalwaystrytothinkhowtheygotintheircurrentpredicament,butwillfindwaystodealwithitandmoveon.

CaringA Caring person will not forget about their own needs while they act as a“Rescuer”forothers.Inessence,they’reverybalancedwhenitcomestosocialinteractions:

They help when they feel their contribution will make a positivedifference;Willallowotherstoassumeresponsibilityfortheirownactions;NeverpromoteunhealthyrolessuchasthoseintheDramaTriangle;

WhatDoWeGainOutofThis?Incombinationwith theDramaTriangleexercise,youcandoamore in-depthanalysisofsomeone.Dotheyshiftfromahealthytoanunhealthyrolealotoftimes?

Ofcourse,nobodycanbea“winner”allthetime,but“causingdrama”in70%ofcasesisnotgreateither.

This iswhereyoucan really see if thepersonyou’re analyzinghas anydeep-rootedchildhoodissuesleftover.Itcanalsotellyouhowhardtheirworkingtoresolvethemintheircurrentstage.

Children,on theotherhand,areanentirelydifferentcase.Theyoungonesarejustintheirformativestageandcouldswitchfromoneroletoanother.Theolderonesarepossiblyjuststartingtomakethatdecision.

They are very susceptible to rolemodels in their formative years, so the bestthingtodoisleadbyexample.BecometherolemodeltheyseekbytrainingtostepofftheDramaTriangleandontotheWinnerside.

We’llbehonestwithyou: itwon’tbeeasy.But itwill definitelybeworth theeffort. You just need to be honest about what you’re trying to do with thosearoundyou.

IfyoufindsomeonedeartoyouontheDramasideofthings,itwouldbebesttohaveabasisonwhichyoucanexplainthesetheories.Justbecarefultoexplainittothemwhilethereisanunresolvedconflicttakingplace.

Again, some people might find your explanation insulting – but some toughtruthsneedtobetoldsometimes.

Tohelpyououtinyourquestofeducatingpeople,youcandoonesimplething.

Startby telling themyourpositionon the trianglesandhowyou’re striving toimproveyourself.

Theywillunderstandwhereyou’recomingfromifyoudoitinacompassionatemanner.Ofcourse,itmighttakethemafewdaystoprocessalltheinformation.Patienceiskey.

HowtheWinner’sTriangleLooksLikeinPracticeNow, the theory sounds nice and all. Exceptwe all know that practicemakesperfect,andisthebestwaytolearnaboutanything.

Assuch,wewillpresentyouwiththreerealcasesofpeopleshiftingtriangles–so tospeak–andbecomingwinners themselves.Use theirexampleswisely inordertoimproveyourownstatus.

SarahBecause Sarah grew up in a lower income family, both her parents needed toworktomakeendsmeet.Hermotherwasn’taroundmuch,soshewasraisedbynannies.

Shedidn’tgetthenecessarymotherlyaffectionasachildsoherself-esteemhadto suffer. Not only that, but she ended up being angry with her parents, andstrugglingwithabandonmentissues.

Naturally, she couldn’t communicate her feelings properly because of thoseproblems.Hermotherwould return tired fromwork and couldn’t giveher theaffectionsheneeded.ThismadeSarahfeelunworthy.

HermotherwasoftenaPersecutor,leavingherfathertoplaytheroleofVictim.SarahwouldsometimesendupintheRescuer’srole.

Since the mother was the only consistent feminine role model she had, sheturned Persecutor herself. This was especially clear when she interacted withotherchildreninherclass.

Asayoungwoman,SarahwouldbeenabledasaPersecutorbyhersister,whooftenplayedvictim.Itonlyendeduphurtingherabilitytogetclosetopeople.Thefearofabandonmentwastoostrong.

She felt “in control”with her bossy and superior attitude, and the feeling thatpeople were acknowledging her existence. But really, she ended up with nomeaningfulfriendships.

Afterall,whowouldwanttobefriendswithsomeonesooverlycriticalofeverylittlething?Still,allshewantedwasaffectionandsomeunderstanding.Shewasjust too afraid of communicating that fact, and showing others her kind andgentleside.

Luckily,Sarahmetsomeoneinherlatetwentiesthatwouldchangethatforher.Insteadof enablingher as aPersecutor, this personmadeherunderstandwhatshewasdoingwrong.

It ended up being an eye-opening experience for Sarah, and she startedstrugglingtowardsfixingthoseabandonmentissues.

Throughcareandunderstanding,SarahtoneddownherbossynatureandbegandefyingthePersecutorroleshehadgainedinherchildhood.

ShebegantobeanAssertiveinstead,whichbenefitedherrelationshipsgreatly.No longerdidshe respondwithangerwhenshewasn’tbeingnoticed. Instead,she just communicated her feelings in a calm manner and people finallyunderstoodwhereshecamefrom.

Ultimately,thathelpedherunderstandothersjustaswell–helpingthembecomeWinnersasshehadmanagedtodo.

NigelUnlikeSarah,Nigelgotplentyofaffectionfromhisparents.Infact,youcouldsay itwas toomuch affection.Theywere not responsible enough to set someboundariesandinstillsomediscipline.

Ifhestartedcrying,heknewthathismotherwouldactasaRescuerevenifhedid somethingwrong.Naturally, hewas going to suffer through grade schoolbecausehewasnotaccustomedtonegativereactionsfromanybody.

Hewouldjustbecomeupsetanddifficulttocommunicatewith.Evenashegrewolder,hefeltlikeasadoutcast.EvertheVictim,hestillgainedenoughattentionfromRescuersinhislife.

But, this meant he would have no opportunity to grow as a person. Sure, hecould go to college and find a job, but those are simply materialistic goals.Inside,hefeltjustassadandlonelyasalways.

Hecouldnot recognizehis shortcomings,andneithercouldheseehowothersviewedhimasaperson.Intheend,hegottiredoftheconstantmelancholyandthelackoffriends.

Hestartedstudyingpsychologyandself-improvementtechniques.Ithelpedhimunderstand how he got into his situation and what steps were necessary forchange.

Realizing that being a Victim all the time would not help, he worked onbecomingmoreAssertive.Thatmeantlearninghowtoexpresshissorrowsinamoreconstructivewaythanjustwhiningaboutit.

Sure,itwasadifficultchangetomake,buthissocialinteractionshaddefinitelyimprovedbecauseofhiseffort.

HisparentscouldnotbelievethisshiftincharacterfromNigel.Andyet,itwasprobablyniceseeinghimmaketruefriendsandclaimsomeresponsibilityonceinawhile.

He managed to learn how to communicate his feelings in a healthy manner,despitefearsofrejectionorthethoughtofdiscomfort.

Itwasmucheasiertocommunicatewithhim,asaresult.Hewouldnotsimply“shut down” as he did in grade school. Ultimately, this made him think of abrighterfuture.

BrendaBrenda’s father left the family before she and her brothers and sisters eventurned 8. Her mother eventually married someone else, and had two morechildren.

Assuch,Brendawastheoldestof5children.Itwasn’tahappylifeforBrenda,ashermotherstruggledwithalcoholismfortherestofherlife.

She would pick up the slack and take care of her siblings when her mothercouldn’t.Thenewhusbandwasabusivetothefamily.

Now,whileBrendadidn’treceivemuchattentionfromherparents,shestillfeltthe affection of her siblings. She needed to act as a Rescuer for them whenthingsgottougharoundthehouse.

But, if you rememberedwhatwe discussed about Rescuers, youwould knowthatBrendawasneglectingherownneeds.

Herfrustrationwasthusexteriorizedbydefendingothers.Whileshewaskind,shecouldn’tformanymeaningfulrelationshipswithothersherage.

Thismadeherfeelveryalone.Asherbrothersandsistersgrewupalongsideher,

shecouldn’tfilltheroleofRescuerforthemanymore.

Instead, she found new ways to do it. This only exacerbated her feelings ofinsignificanceandneglect–whichleadherdownthepathofalcoholismjustlikehermotherbeforeher.

At thirtyyearsold,Brendaendedup inapsychiatrist’soffice todealwithherinternalizedanger.

Hehelpedher realize that inorder forher toenactchange, shewouldneed tolearn how to open up to others. With time, she learned how to do it, andmanagedtoquitheraddictionandunhealthyDramaTrianglerole.

Now,youmightbelievethatthesestoriesaretooextremetoapplytoeveryone.But,whenyoulookatthefacts:

Wealldealwithourfeelingsaccordingtohowourparentsraisedus;Similarly,thewayweinteractedwithothersduringchildhoodhasastrongeffect;Parentsdealwiththeirownproblemsandcan’talwayspreventours;

Sure,Sarah,Nigel,andRachelprobablyhaditharderthanmostofus(nottodetractfromthosewhowentthroughsuchdifficulties.)

Buttheirstoriesareagreatillustrationofhowchildhoodexperiencescanaffectuslaterinlife.Everyoneisdifferent,however,sotheseexamplesarenotalwaysapplicable.

They’restillanicewaytounderstandwhyapersonbehavesacertainway.Byanalyzingthehopes,dreams,andfearsofothers,wecanendupdiscoveringsomethingwithinourselvesaswell.

Intheend,weallhavesomethingtogainfromsuchexperiences:howtocreatemeaningfulrelationships,howtomeetourownneeds,andmore.

Chapter9–EvaluatingindividualsintheworkplaceAverageadultsnowspendaroundthirtypercentoftheirlivesworking.Thismeansonethirdofourwakinghoursisspentonthejobattheworkplace.Theofficebecomesahomeawayfromhome.Relationshipswithcoworkersareformedsincesomuchofourtimeisspentinteractingwiththem.Friendshipsdevelopandinmanycases,ourcolleaguesbecomealmostasecondfamily.Itisimportanttounderstandandgetalongeachotherinordertohaveawell-functioning,productiveteam.Thiscongenialitymaybemoredifficulttoapplyinpracticesinceeachoneofushasindividualcharacteristics.Beingabletorecognizeandanalyzethepersonalitytraitsofcoworkerswillgoalongwayinmaintainingharmonyandremainingupwardlymobilewithoutcausinganyfriction.Howwelldoyouknowyourcolleagues,includingyourboss?Howdotheyrespondtoyourinstructions,speechesorpresentations?Theanswerstothesequestionsareimportantinacompetitivejobmarketwhereyouractionsandintentionsarescrutinizedcontinuously.Thischapterexaminestheseissuessothatthetimeandenergyyouexpendattheworkplaceismaximizedintermsofopportunitiesandrelationships.

ImagesandperceptionsItisessentialtoknowhowyouappeartofellowworkerssinceyourprofessionalimagereallydoesmatterstoyoursuperiors,colleagues,andsubordinates.Conflictmakesitdifficulttofunctionandlifeattheworkplacecanbecomeunbearableandunproductiveifyou’redisliked.Undersuchstressyoumaybegintodoubtyouraptitudeforthejob.Itisequallyimportanttomanageimpressionsinordertocoexistanddeliveradvantageousoutcomesforyou,theteam,andorganization.Thiscanbedonebyrecognizingandmanaginganyofthefollowingdestructiveandconstructivebehaviors.

SmilesandgoodcheerDopeoplesmilearoundyou?Dotheirfaceslightupwhenyouentertheroom?Dotheyapproachyouandgreetyouwarmly?Ifthereisacheerful,natural,spontaneousreactionyourpresenceitmeansyouareaccepted.Theymayinturnhavedeterminedthatyouarecompetent,orhelpful,oroutgoing,andgenerallyliked.Coworkersmayalsosmileatyoubecausetheywantyoutolikethemorapprovetheirworkprocesses.Itwillbeuptoyoutoinvestigatethemotivebehindyouracceptanceorlackthereof.

ReadyacknowledgementBeingreadilyacknowledgedbyaword,smile,orafriendlygesturesuchasawaveorahandshake,showsacamaraderiebetweenyouandyourcoworkers.Theywelcomeandrecognizeyouasavaluedmemberoftheteam.Thisisdefinitelyanadvantageouspositiontobein.Beingignoredisneveragoodindicatorofwhatyourcoworkersthinkofyou.Iftheydon’tgreetyoubecausetheydon’twishtoacknowledgeyou,that’saproblem.Iftheycan’tbebotheredtosayhello,orsimplydon’tnoticeyourpresence,thatdoesn’tbodewellforyoursuccessintheorganization.

ThegroupmentalityGroupsdevelopatworkbecauseofmutualinterests,compatiblenatures,orclosenessinoccupationalsituations.Itcouldbeapositiveoutcomebecausejoiningforcescangettheworkdonefasterandbetter.Agroupcanhavethepowertopushforbenefitsorstopbadpractices.Ontheotherhandcliquesmayworkagainstcoworkersbyspreadingrumorsandlies,andbullyingandintimidatingthem.inordertopreventtheiroptimalperformance.Gossipspreadsfastintheworkplaceandyouwouldknowwhereyoustandsoonenough.Betternottoalignoneselfwithanygroupbutdolendsupportforagoodcause.

OstracizedbycoworkersYouknowall’snotwellatworkwhencoworkersavoidanycontactwithyou.Iftheyturntheirbackswhentheyseeyoucomingoransweryourquestionswithperfunctoryrepliesonlywhentheyhaveto,thereisareasonwhycoworkersdonotwishtointeractwithyouandtheproblemneedstobeaddressed.Gettingthecoldshouldermaybeabullyingtacticorelseyoumayhavepersonalitytraitsthatdon’tappealtoyourcoworkers.Doyoutalktoomuchorareyouapessimist?Areyouthesilenttypeordoyoubrag?Negativehabitscanandshouldbereversedforbetterworkplaceinteractionandcommunication.

PersonalorprofessionalAprofessionalrelationshipwithworkmatesisallwellandgoodbutspendingsomuchtimetogetherdoescreatepersonalassociationstoo.Ifyouropinionisneveraskedandyou’renotincludedinsharedjokesorinvitedtoafterworksocialget-together’sitwouldbesafetosayyourworkplacerelationshipsarenon-existent.Colleaguesareeitherignoringyoupurposelybecausetheydon’t

likeyou,oryouhavenotimpressedthemenoughtobenoticed.It’sfrustratingtobeignoredanddistanced.Timetostartaskingquestionsofyourselfandanyempatheticcoworkertoremedythesituation.

RefusaltomakeeyecontactEyecontactisapowerful,instinctiveresponsethatconnectsustoothers.Whenpeoplelookatuswhenwespeakwefeelwehavetheirattentionandinterest.Whenacolleaguelooksawayorfocusestheirgazeelsewherewhileyouspeak,yourealizetheyhavestoppedlistening.Peopleavoidmakingeyecontactforvariedreasons.Theymaybegoingthroughahardtimeanddon’twanttheirexpressionstorevealthis.Orelsetheymaybeshy,embarrassed,orlackconfidence.Itcouldbethatcoworkersavoidyourgazebecausetheydon’trespect,trustorlikeyou,inwhichcaseyoumustmakebehaviorimprovementtoengagethem.

SpeakingtoanaudienceMostofficejobsentailmakingpresentationsandspeechestocoworkers.Wemaybeintroducingnewstrategiesorthankingorhonoringacolleague,orsayinggoodbyetothemafteryearsofservicetothecompany.Whatevertheoccasion,ourwordsanddeliverymustbedistinct,measured,andmeaningful.Publicspeakingisnotforthefaintheartedorthosewhosufferfromstagefright,thoughtherearetimeswhenmakingareportorpresentationcan’tbeavoided.Luckily,itistheofficeoratorsthatareusuallychosenforthetaskofmakingaspeech,buttheyhavetobeontopoftheirgametosuccessfullygettheirmessageacross.Thespeechorpresentationcontainsacoremessageandtheaimofthespeakeristodeliverthisstatementtotheaudience.Oncethereisanunderstandingofthesimplicityofmakingagoodspeechorpresentation,eventhemostunwillingspeakerswillfeelcapableoffacinganaudience.Thereisalotofadvicefromprofessionalspeakersabouthowanorator’sperformancecanbeimprovedandperfected.Noneofthedoanddon’tsmatterifthespeakerfailstoprovidewhattheaudiencerequires.Knowingyouraudienceisvital.Findingoutinformationaboutage,education,workareas,andinterestswhichwillhelpyouchooserelevantmaterialforyourspeech.Youngerworkerswillrelatetotoday’stechnologyandwillfindjokesabouttheirsmartphonesandthelatesttrendsamusing,whereasanoldergroupwillbemoreintunewithmorefamiliarprocessesandstoriesofyesteryear.Nopointintalkingaboutmarketcrashestofirefighters,ormakingjokesaboutthe

sixtiestopeoplewhowereborndecadeslater.Checkingbackgrounddetailswillrevealtheeducationallevelsofyouraudience.Ifyouarespeakingtoanassemblylinecrew,youwillnotusethetechnicaljargonyouwoulduseonscientists.Thatdoesnotmeantalkingdowntoyourlisteners.Respectyouraudiencelevelanddesignthecontentofyourspeechspecificallyfortheirconsumption.Languagehastosuittheaudienceandwordsusedmustbeeasilyunderstoodbythem.Forinstance,ifoneisaddressingagroupofretirees,youwillnotapplythelanguageusedbythenewestemployees.Yourreferencesandanecdotesmustalsomatchyourlisteners.Focusonstructureandkeeponsimplifyingyourmessageanddelivery.Editoutanythingthatisn’trelevant.Ifalineisconfusingorcontradictory,tossitout.Youraudienceknowswhatyouaregoingtospeakaboutandareinterestedinthetopicandwanttofindoutmoreaboutit.Theywantstohearwhatyouhavetotellthem.Speakofthingsthatwillengross,inform,entertain,andberemembered.Theywantmoreinformationandprovidedyourspeechengagesthem,theaudiencewillbepleasedthattheycame.tolistentoyou.Understandingthecultureofyouraudiencemembersisveryimportantwhenspeakingathomeandoverseas.Itshouldneverbetheintentiontogiveoffenceandyetthiscouldbeeasilydonewithoneinappropriatesentencejustbecausethespeakerwasunawareofculturaldifferences.Abackgroundcheckwillletyouknowthesocialoriginsofthelistenersandabitofresearchwillenableyoutofindouttheirareasofinterestandwhattypeofhumorappealstothem.Oneaudiencemaybeopenandunfazedbycertainremarkswhileanothercanbeconservativeandinsultedbythesamecomments.Aneasternaudiencewillnotbeabletoidentifywiththeconcernsofawesternaudience.Yourspeechmustmeetexpectationssofindtherighttonebyensuringthemessagefitstheoccasion.Inform,motivate,andchallengeyouraudience,andmostofall,keepitreal.Insomecasesyoumaynotknowmuchaboutthepeopleyouwillbespeakingto,thoughyouwillknowthesizeofyouraudienceandwhetherthegatheringisacompulsorycompanyaffairornot.Alargeraudiencerequiresamorecommandingspeakerwhowilladdressthecrowdwithpassionandauthority,whileasmallergroupwilldobetterwithaconservativespeaker.Aprescribedaudienceneedstobeengagedrightfromthestart.Atouchofhumorgoesalongwayinholdinganaudienceasdoesengagingthemthroughquestionsandcallingthemtointeractonstage.Audiencesthathavechosentoattendwillbediscerning

andwanttofeelthattheirtimeatthespeechwasn’twasted.Usestatisticstomakeapointandsurprisethem.Trynottorepeatyourself.Beauthenticandletthepeopleknowyouarethereforthembecauseyouareaspassionateastheyareaboutthesubjectyouaregoingtoshare.

EvaluatethepersonyouworkforWorkplaceanalysisdoesn’tstopwithemployeesandtheirabilitiesororatorsandtheirspeeches.Themainpersonattheofficeisthebossbutheshouldn’tbeabovescrutiny.Thisisimportantbecauseyourlivelihooddependsonhisjudgementandsinceyouspendsomanyhoursworkingforthebossit’simportantthattheofficeisapleasantplace.Themanyouanswertomaynotbeultra-perceptiveorhavemoreexperiencethanyoudo,buthe’sstillthebossandhedoeshavesupremacyoverthepeoplehemanages.Knowinghishabitswillmakeforabetterworkplacerelationship.Itallowsyoutobeproactiveandanticipatehisnextmove.Knowingthetraitsofthepersonyouworkforwillcreatingmoreeffectiveoperationsandharmonyintheworkplace,soanalyzingthisindividualisimportant.Bossesgivealotofthemselvestothejobandexpectthesameinreturnfromtheirteam.Agoodbosswillshowyouhowtodothiswhileabadbosswillnotworkwithyouandhinderyourprocess.Agoodbosswillorganize,motivate,andinspirehisemployeestobuildacongruent,productiveorganization.Keyfactorsoftheboss’spersonalitythatneedtobeevaluatedaretemperament,capabilities,anddrive.Sinceaperson’sdispositionguidestheiractions,it’simportanttorecognizethetypeofpersonyourlivelihooddependson.

CharacteristicsofabossAllwehumanbeingshavediversecharacteristicsandbossesarenodifferent,afteralltheyarehumantoo-atleastmostofthetime.Typically,abosshascertainparticularcharacteristicsthatsubordinatesmustbeawareofinordertomanagesituations.Afterall,successorfailureattheofficeusuallydependsonhowwellyoumanageyourboss.Certainpersonalitytraitscanmaketheworkplaceheavenorhellsolookoutforthesetypesofbosses.Thereliableboss.Reliabilityisagoodtraitforabosstohave.Itmeansheorsheissystematic,dependableandresponsible.Thesetypeshaveanexcellentunderstandingofkeyaspectsoftheirdepartmentandcanbecountedonfordirectionandconsistency.Reliablebossesareleadersinchargeoftheirteams

andkeepthemconnectedandfocused.Theyacceptresponsibilityandexpecttheirpeopletobeaccountabletoo.Iftheyrequirehighstandardsfromtheiremployees,theirownstandardsarehigher.Ifyouhaveareliableboss,consideryourselflucky.Workwithareliablebossisstructured,efficientandproductive,butmindyouholdupyourendofbusinessbecausereliabilityisexpectedofyouaswell.Thebullyboss.Thesesortsofpeoplemanagetofindthemselvesinleadershippositionsbyaggressivelypresentingthemselvesastough,go-getters.Bullybossesdon’tcarehowothersaretrampledintheirracetothetop.Theyhumiliate,abuse,criticize,andthreatentheirworkers.Theyknowhowtomisuseemployeestogetaheadintheworkplaceandstaffareusuallytoointimidatedbybullyingtacticstochallengesuchbehavior.Bullieswillblametheirworkersforproblemsandquestiontheircommitment.Somebosseslistentoyourcallsandreadyourmail.Constantabusiveexploitationthatcontinuallydegradeswillultimatelybreakanemployeedown.Abullyisoneoftheworstbossesyoucaneverhavethemisfortunetoworkfor.Thesolutionissimple.Lookforanewjobsinceabullybossenjoyshisbehaviorandhasnointentionofchanginghisatrocioushabits.Thesociableboss.Theseonesarefriendly,energeticandinterestedintheirsurroundings.Theyarecognizantofcompanyaimsandknowwhatisrequiredtoachievethem.Thissortofbosshasnoproblemsocializingstructuralobjectivestogenerateabetterunderstandingandawarenessoforganizationaldirection.Suchbossesrecognizetheabilitiesoftheirteamandencourageandassistwhenevernecessary.Theycreatevaluablerelationshipswithotherdepartmentsenablingbettercommunicationbetweenteams.Theysupportandpromoteadvancementintheiremployeesandknowthattheyareresponsibleforcontinueddevelopmentinthemselves.Sociablebossesexpendahugeamountofenergyanditissometimeshardfortheiremployeestokeepupwiththem.Themicromanagingboss.Theyaredrivenbyanobsessiveneedtocontroleverythingandeverybodyaroundthem.Theystriveforperfectionandcreateobstaclesinthewayofsmoothoperationsbyinsistingoninvolvingthemselvesineveryaspectofbusiness.Theyfinditimpossibletodelegatesincetheydon’ttrustotherstodothejobtotheirsatisfactionevenwhenitiswelldone.Thistypeofbossisanightmaretoworkwith.Thesehighlycontrollingmicromanagerswipeoutanyshredofinnovationandcreativityinanemployee.Theydon’tmeantohinderoperationsintheworkplacebuttheirinsecuritiesdonotallowthemtoletgo.Insteadtheyconstantlybreathedownthenecksoftheir

employees.Bettertostayclearofsuchtypesbecausesoonerorlatertheywillwearyououtanddriveaway.Theempatheticboss.Empathyisasignificantcharacteristicforanyonetopossess.Inabossthisisanexcellenttrait.Asaleaderofateam,abossmusthavetheemotionalintelligencetounderstandpeopleinordertoimproveperformanceandeffectiveness.Anempatheticbosscaresabouthowothersfeelandconsiderstheeffectsofbusinessproceduresonhisworkforces.Personnelareabletoapproachsuchabossandarenotafraidtoaskforanswersorassistance.Takingintoaccountpersonalexperiencesorperspectivesofemployeescreatesawiderunderstandingformaximizedproductivity.Bybeingempatheticabosscansolveproblems,manageconflict,driveinnovation,andincreasethepotentialofjobsuccessforeveryone.Thehonestboss.Honestyisaconstructiveleadershiptrait.Anhonestbossismorepersonallyengagedwithemployees,solvingproblems,andbringingpeopletogether.Employeesinteractwiththisbosswhileperspectivesandopinionsareopenlyshared.Assetsarerecognizedbysuchabosswhowillassignpeopletoareastheyaresuitedto.Atransparentbossactuallystrengthenshisleadershipashisworkerstrusthim.Ifthebossliestoyouaboutyourprospectsinthecompany,youwillbefrustratedandannoyedwhenyouarenotpromotedanddiscoverthereisnoroomforyourgrowthandadvancement.Orhecouldletyoudoalltheworkandtakecreditforit.Noonewantstoworkforadishonestperson.Agoodleaderdoesnotallowpowertogetinthewayofhonesty,opennessandauthenticity.Theworkaholicboss.Thesearedriven,hyperactivebosseswhoareusuallyindifferentanddismissivetowardsthosewhoworkatadifferentpace.Workingforaworkaholiccanbedifficultsincetheyexpectyoutofollowtheiraddictiontoworkanddon’trecognizeyouhavealifeoutsidetheoffice.Keepingupwiththistypeofbosswillburnyououtasyoucanneverhopetokeepuptotheirstringentstandards.Trytocommunicateyourrequirementsanddonotenablesuchabossbygivingintounnecessaryworkdemands.Ifyouhavedoneagoodjobitdoesn’tmatterhowmuchtimewasinvolved.Thisisnotabadsortofpersonbutthiskindofbossisbadforyousinceyouwillendupstressedandburntout.Don’tcompromiseyourtalentandreliabilityandmoveontoamoresuitableworkenvironment.Theparanoidboss.Thisisaninsecurepersonwhoissuspiciousanddoesnottrustanyone.Theyareusuallyhypersensitiveandimaginetheworldisagainstthem.Theyarejealousofotherssuccessandcanbequitemaliciousattimes.A

paranoidbossblameshismistakesonothersandwillembarrassanddemoralizeemployeestofeelsecure.Thispersondoesnotencouragecooperationandinsteadturnsemployeesagainsteachother,andencouragespersonneltospyorinformoneachother.Theyusemanipulationtoholdbackvitalinformationsothatcolleaguescannotoperateeffectively.Thispersonmaynotevenrealizehehasaproblem.Anyway,theproblemisalwaysthefaultofsomeoneelse.Aparanoidbosshastoomanyissuesgoingoninhisheadandisn’tlikelytomakeanybehavioralchanges.Youcanmakeachangebymovingontoamoreconduciveworkplace.

ThecapabilitiesofyourbossThissectiondeterminesthecompetencesofyourbosstofigureouthisorherintelligencesothatyouhaveabetterunderstandingofthisperson.Abosswithhighmentalcapacitycanspeakandwritewellandhasanabilitytolearnandunderstand,andcopewithsituations.Hecanperusedocumentsandevaluateinformationeasily,andlogicallyfindsolutionstoproblems.Ahighlyintelligentbossmaygetimpatientwithworkerswhodon’thavethementalagilitythathedoes,soaworkerwillhavetostepuptheirskillsinordertopleasehim.Howeverthisbossisaprogressivetypeofpersonwhoreadilyacceptsnewconceptsandtransformation.Bosseswithlowintelligencemaybeawareoftheirlackofbrainpowerandreacttosmarterpeoplebybeingantagonistictowardsthem.Theywilldefinitelyhavepoorlanguageskillsandberesistanttochange.Theymayhaveahardtimereadingandcomprehendinginformation.Togetintotheirgoodgraces,anemployeewillhavetoadoptahelpfulattitudethatisnotintimidatingbutreflectsasenseofsecurity.

WhatmotivatesyourbossIt’sallverywelltoworkhardwithintheframeworkofanorganization’sobjectivesinordertogetahead,butthat’snotgoingtodoit.Careersuccessdependsonhowwellyouunderstandyourbossandhowwellyoumanagehisneeds.Doyouknowwhatmotivateshim?Ishedrivenbypowerormoney?Doeshereallycareabouthisemployees?Theseandmanyotherquestionswillhavetobeansweredinordertoknowwhatmakesthepersonyouworkfortick.Oneconceptaboutthetemperamentofbossestheorizesthattherearebasicallythreemotivesthatdrivebusiness.Thesecausesarepower,affiliation,andachievement.Powerbossesmusthavethingsdonetheirway.Theirwayistheirreligionand

theirteammustbedevotedfollowers.Theyarepuffedupwiththeirownimportanceandwanttomaketheirmarkontheworld.Thistypeofbossisdifficulttoworkwithsincetheyarenotatallimpressedbythosewhoopposethem.Nothingshortofayes-manwillsatisfythepowerdrivenboss.

Affiliationdrivenbosseswanttobelikedandpopular.Theyputrelationshipsfirstbutsupportingincompetentemployeesisnotgoodforbusiness.Workingforthispersonmeansplowingthroughabunchofsycophantstogettohim.Itwillbenexttoimpossibletoeditoutthebadadvicehiscronieshavegivenhimbutyou’vegottogiveitatry,tosavethecompany.Yourjobdependsonbeingsociable,andhelpingtomanageminioninteractions.Youneedemotionalintelligencetocopewithanaffiliationboss.

Achievementmotivatedbossesarecompetitiveindividualswholikeachallengebuthatetolose.Theydelightinshowingoffalltheircupsandshields.Thesebosseslovetobethecenterofattentionandwon’tbeleftoutofanyevent,beitalittleofficepartyoragrandawardceremony.Bossesmotivatedbyachievementneedtobeincludedineverything.Workingforthispersonmeansstrokingtheiregoandmakingsuretheygetstheirinformationbeforeanyoneelsedoes.WhatyourinterviewrevealsaboutthebossYouwillmostlikelymeetyourbosswhenyouinterviewforajob.Sinceyoucouldbecomeapartoftheirteam,heorshewillnodoubtwanttoknowifyouwillbesuitableornot.Inthesamewayyoushouldnotonlybeconcernedwithgettingthejobbutalsoscrutinizeyourprospectivebosstoseeiftheywillbecompatiblewithyou.Askquestions.Interviewthebosstoo.Howherespondswilltellyouallyouneedtoknowabouthispersonalityandworkethic.Ifyouhaveagoodsenseofpeopleyouwillbequicktopickuppositivesornegativesrightthereandthen.Ifnot,youwillfortunatelyorunfortunatelygettoknowthispersononthejobthroughtrialanderror.Thesesuggestionsmayprovetobehelpfulduringthatfirstinterviewwithyourprospectiveboss.

ThefocusisonyouIftheinterviewquestionscenteraroundyouandyourambitions,andyouareallowtoexpressyourselfwithoutbeinginterrupted,thisbossisinterestedinthepersonyouare.Ifyouareabletoaskquestionsandtheyareansweredhonestly,youarebeingcheckedoutforwhereyourtalentcanbebestapplied.Thistypeofbossisinsightfulandsupportive,andwillworkwithyoubutexpectyougrasptasksandrunwiththem.

TheinterviewisstructuredIftheinterviewandtheinterviewerarewellprepared,youcanbesurethatthisbossisorganizedandrunsatightship.Helikestomanagehisteamandensuretheyworkatfullcapacity.Hecanbeimpatientthoughifyouaskquestionsthathavealreadybeenanswered,thoughattimeshemayhelpyoualonggrudgingly.Expectrigidroutinesandabosswhoismainlyinterestedingettingthejobdonewell.

ComposureandwarmthTheatmosphereisrelaxedandtheinterviewerputsyouateasewithafriendly,calmattitude.Thisbossisinterestedincreatingamiabilityintheworkplacebuthavenodoubtthatheisobservingtherealyouinspiteofyouranswerstohisquestions.Heisgoodtoworkwithandlikestointeractwithhisteam.Whilethisbossprefersarelaxedworkenvironmenttherewillbenoletupinproductivityandquality.

FullattentiononyouIsyourfuturebossaskingyouquestionsandseeminterestedinyourresponses?Doeshelookyouintheeyeandtakethetimetoansweryouseriously.Doyoufeelheisnotonlylisteningbuthearingwhatyousay?Ishetransparentaboutcompanydetailsthateffectyou,suchassalary,bonuses,andotherbenefits?Ifalltheanswersarepositive,thisisagood,well-informedbosswhoisawareofanysnagsonthejobandisquicktosortoutproblems.Hekeepshisteamconnectedandproductionflowingsmoothly.

NegativeorpositiveremarksThewayinwhichabossspeaksabouthisteamsaysalotabouthischaracterandhowyouwillbetreatedbyhim.Ifhereferstohisemployeesinapositivemanner,identifyingthemandmentioningtheirskills,youknowthispersonrecognizeshispeopleandrespectshisrelationshipswiththem.Thisisthesortofbosswhowillappreciateyou.Ifhespeaksaboutworkersinaderogatorywayyoucanbesurethisisnotapersonyouwanttoworkwith.

ImpressiveenvironmentAsyougrabacupofcoffeeinthecafeteriaandwalkthroughtheofficetoyourinterviewyoucan’thelpnoticeyoursurroundings.Iswhatyouseeindicativeofamodern,streamlined,productiveorganizationornot?Asyousitinthewaiting

area,youobservetheemployeesandtheirworkspaces.Arebothcheeryandefficient.Doyounoticefearwhenanemployeeenterstheboss’sofficeorisheorsherelaxedandsmiling.Readtheseobvioussignalstoknowifthisisanenvironmentyouwanttoworkin.SummingupMuchanalysisoftheprofessionalenvironmenthasbeencoveredinthischapter.Whatis,andisnotsatisfactoryintheworkplacehasbeendetailed.Acceptableandunacceptablebehaviorshavebeenoutlined.Officerelationshipsandemployeehabitshavebeenscrutinizedwithsuggestionsmadeforamoreconduciveatmospheres.Howonepresentshimselforherselfwhengivingaspeechhasalsobeenexplainedalongwithdo’sanddon’tsforsubjectrelevance,optimumprojection,andaudienceappreciation.Emphasishasbeengiventothetypesofbossesthatheadacompanyorteam.Howcharacteristicsdriveaboss’sbehaviorandactionsandtheimpactanemployeearespelledout.Whattolookoutforinbosses,andhowtorecognizetheircharacteristicsduringthatfirstinterviewisdescribed.Itisimperativetohaveaprofessionalworkingenvironmentinwhichacultureofsharedtrustandrespectisthenorm.Employeesthrivewhentheyworkinawell-organized,efficientcompanywithawell-meaning,smartboss.Goodmanagementpracticedemandstheremustbetransparencyandfairnessindealings.Afreeflowofinformationanddirectiveschannelperspectivesandenergytowardsproductiveoutcomes.Toxicindividualsandprocesseswilladverselyaffecttheoverallhealthofthewholeorganizationsoitisimportanttoknowwhatyouareworkingwith.

Chapter10–AssessingromanticlinksRomancefeaturesinourlivesatonetimeoranotherandthischapteranalyzesthissubjectinconnectiontoromanticpartners.Byassessingaprospectiveorcurrentromanticpartnerwegetaclearpictureofwhotheyreallyareandwherethisrelationshipislikelytoendup.Theinformationyouuncoverwillmakeyourealizethingsaboutyourpartnerthatyouneversawbefore.Thesediscoveriescouldleadtounderstandingsthatalleviateconflictandcreateamoreharmoniousandlovingpartnership.Ontheotherhandwhatyoulearncouldconfirmwhatyou’vebeenthinkingforawhilenow-thispersonisn’trightforyouafterall.Thereareparticularmannerismsusedtocommunicatewithdatesorpartners.Bodylanguage,facialmovements,andthewaywespeak,candetermineapartner’sattitudeandintention.Let’sseeifwhatwefindoutcanhelpusmoveintherightdirection.ExaminingthebeginningEverythingissoexcitingduringtheearlydaysofaromance.Thepersonyouhavebeguntodateisfascinatingandmysterious.Youmayhaveknownthisindividualbeforebutsinceromancehascreptintothepicture,heorsheisawholeotherpersonandgettingtoknowhimorherbringsanew,thrillingbeginningtotherelationship.Aquestioningmindwillask-isthispersoninterestedinyouinaromanticway?Secondly-doyoureallywanttospendtimewiththisperson?Inyourenthusiasmyoucanmisreadthesignalsandmistakefriendlinessandaffectionforromanticattachment.Youenjoythedatesomuchyouimageyoucanspendmanyjoyoushourstogether.Stepoutofyourromantichazeforamomentandreadthesignsthatarebeingsentoutloudandclear.Itmaybehardtotellwhereyoustandafterthatfirstdate.Isitanawkwardmeeting?Doyouhavetodoallthetalking?Doesyourdate’sbodylanguageexpressadesiretohavearomanticconnectionwithyou?Doesheorshekeeptheirbodyturnedtofaceyou?Apersonismeanttolikeyouiftheykeeptheirbellybuttonfacingyou.Areyoubeingtouched?Touchingmeansthepersonisreachingoutinanefforttogetclosertoyou,togettoknowyoubetter.Facialexpressionswilltellyouwhetheryourdateisfeelingitornot.Dohiseyessayyou’retheone?Doeshesmilewhenhelooksatyou?Foldedarmscouldeithermeanyou’rebeingshutoutoryourdateisanxiousanddoesn’twanttoshowanynervousness.Canyoutellthedifference?You’vedecidedyouwanttocontinueseeingthispersonbecauseyougotalongfamouslyatthatfirstdate.Thechemistrywasamazingandthebodylanguage

saiditall.Butwhatdoyoureallyknowaboutthisperson?Whataboutcharacterandbeliefs?Hasconversationrevealedwhetherthispersonisoutgoing,orstressed?Whatwasdiscussedandhowdetailedwastheconversation?Howdidheorshereacttoyourquestions?Doesthispersonliketotalkaboutthemselvesorliketogossip?Whatlevelsofrespectdoyounotice,foryou,forothers,andthemselves?Youarenotoverthinkingtheprocess-youarejustbeingsmartaboutyourownfuture.Whenyoustartdatingapersonyouwanttoknowthattherearesharedvaluesandcommonintereststhatwillleadtoaromanticrelationshipandhopefully,brightprospects.

ReadandanalyzethesignsThere’salwayssomethingnewtodiscoveraboutapersonandyouranalyticalskillsshouldbeappliedhoweverlongyou’vebeeninaromanticrelationship.Justbecauseyou’vebeentogetherforages,there’snoneedtobecarelessaboutyourinteractionwithyourpartner.Actionshaveconsequencesandyoudon’twanttobenegativelyaffectedbyanyuntowardbehavior.Apartnerdoesn’tchangeovernightfromanoutgoing,positiveindividualintoanegative,cynical,nastyperson.Thesignswerethereallalong-youjustignoredthem.Analyzingbehaviorclarifiesrelationshipissuesandgivesyouinsightstoworkwithforpositiveoutcomes.There’snoneedtobecomecompulsiveandsecondguesseverymoveyourromanticpartnermakes.Ifyoudon’tknowwhenanalysisisimportant,justanswerthesequestionsfromobservingyourpartner’sphysicalandverbalresponsestorelativesituations.

Howdotheytreatothers?Thequestionhereishowdoesyourromanticpartnertreatothers?Doesthispersonhaverespectforothersorisshecritical,defensive,orshowcontempt.Howarefamily,friends,colleagues,andstrangerstreated?Thewayyourpartnertreatsothersreflectshowtheyfeelaboutthemselves,thoughtheymaynotadmitit.Iftheyrespondpositivelytoothers,theywilldothesamewithallissuestheyhavetodealwith.Ifyourdatetreatstheserverwithcontemptthatisaredflagnottobeignored.Whileheorshetriestoshowcontemptforsomeonetheydeemsinferiorandundeservingofrespectitshouldbeobvioustoyouthatthispersonhassomemajorproblemswiththeirinternaldialogue.

Howdotheyrespondtochallenges?Peopleshowtheirtruecolorswhentheyareunderstress.Askyourselfhowyour

partnerrespondswhenfacedwithchallengingsituations.Dotheyhavetheabilitytoremaincalmortakethingspersonally?Arethingsfineaslongastheygettheirway?Dotheybecomedefensiveorbelligerentwhentheyareatadisadvantage,orflyoffthehandleattheslightestprovocation?Dotheyallowemotionstogetinthewayofdealingwithsituationseffectively,andjustifytheirnegativethoughtprocessesandharmfulresponses?Mostimportantly,askyourselfifyourpartnerunderstandsthemeaningoftheword‘no’?Peoplecanalterbehaviorthroughmotivationandguidancebuttherearenoguaranteesthatthisleopardwilleverchangehisorherspots.

Howistheirannoyanceexpressed?Askyourselfhowyourpartnershowsanger.Dotheyeruptloudlyandbreakthingstodemonstratetheirrage?Dotheyfeelit’sokaytotakeouttheirangeronothers?Aretheyconstantlyfrustratedandannoyedandtakeeveryopportunitytoeruptverballyorevenphysically?Isdestructivebehaviordisplayedintheheatofthemoment?Thispersonisnotsimplylettingoffsteam.There’saproblemwithself-controlhereandthisindividuallacksthematuritytoexpressissuescalmlyandlogically.Suchbehavior,ifleftunchecked,willerodethequalityofyourlives.Don’tmakeexcusesforbeinginanabusiverelationship.Dealwithitorgetout.

Dotheytalkorlisten?Talkingandlisteningareimportantforknowinghowyourpartnerfeels,showingyourfeelings,andsolvinganydifficultiesthatmayarisewithinarelationship.Forthesesignificantreasonsyoumustaskyourselfifyourpartnerdoesallthetalkingandnoneofthelistening.Suchbehaviorshowsalackofconsiderationforyouropinionsandnowayareyourfeelingsgoingtobeapriorityinthisrelationship.Perhapsyourpartnerlistensbutdoesnotrespond.Itcouldmeanhe’snotthetalkativetype,orheisthinkingcarefullyaboutareply,ormaybeyouintimidatehimorherintosilence.Feelingconsistentlyunheardisextremelyfrustratingandblocksprogress.Communicationisvitalforagoodrelationshipsoaskyourpartnerwhattheproblemisandworkthroughit.

Aretheyjealous?Isyourpartnerpossessiveaboutyou?Thismaybesweetintheearlystagesofyourrelationshipbutthisbehaviorwillsoonwearthinwhenheisconstantlysuspiciousofanyoneyouspeakto.Ajealouspersonisuncomfortablewhenyour

attentionissharedwithotherpeople.Ajealouspartnerhasaproblemwithtrustingothers.Doeshefollowyouandwatchyourinteractionsinsocialsettingsandlateraccuseyouofallmannerofindiscretions?Anyindependentactionbyyoumakesthispersonfeeltheyarelosingtheirgriponyou.Jealousyisasignofinsecurity.Yourpartnermayalsodisplaypossessivebehaviortocontrolordominate.Makesureyouknowthedifferencebetweenlovingandcontrollinganddon’tbeintimidatedbyajealouspartner.

SummingupByexaminingandevaluatingapartner,significantfactsaboutthispersonwillcometolight.Youwillfindoutwhattypeofpersonyourpartneris,andwhetherthereistherightchemistrybetweenyouboth.There’snoneedtomakeitobviousthatyouarestudyingyourromanticpartner.Ifheorsheknowstheyarebeingobservedforareason,theywillfeelawkwardandwillnotrespondnaturally.Askquestionscasuallyinconversation.Ifyoubringuplikesanddislikesyoucanalwayssay,“IliketoworkouteverydayandreadbeforeIsleep…whatareyourfavoritethingstodo?”Or,“Myparentsarethemostimportantpeopleinmylife…whoisthemostimportantpersoninyourlife?”Checkoutdislikes.Askforopinionsandpreferences.Inquireaboutfamilyandfriends.Hopefullyyourpartnerwillrespondopenlyandtherewillbealotofrevealingmessagesintheseanswers.Ifthereareanyredflags,theyshouldpopupduringtheanalysis.Thisinformationcouldmakeorbreaktherelationship.Itcouldstrengthenyourbondandbringyouclosertogether.Whoknows-youbothmightevenfallinlovewitheachother.Orelsethefeedbackyougetmayexposethecold,callouspersonyourpartnerreallyis.Remember,forewarnedisforearmed.Whatevertheoutcome,gettinganaccurateanalysisofyourromanticpartnerisasensiblethingtodoandworththeoutcome,whateveritmaybe.

Chapter11—Cutting-EdgeTechniquesSofar,we’velookedatthebasicfoundationsofanalyzingpeople,suchasgesturesandmannerisms,countenancebasedclues,andwordsthatareused.We’vealsolookedatwaysofreadingpeopleincorporateenvironmentsaswellasthoseinpersonalrelationshipswithyou.Therearestillsomemorethingsweneedtohavealookatthough,asit’snotalwayseasytoanalyzepeople,andyouneedtobeabletofindthesubtlelittlecluesthatwillgiveyoumoredetails.

Inthisnextchapter,we’llbelookingatthosetinybodilymessagesthatpeoplesendunconsciously,andatsubtlefacialexpressionsthatcangiveyouhintsaboutwhatthepersonisthinking.Certainwaysoftalkingandspecialwordspeopleusecanalsotellyoualotaboutthem.We’llendoffbytellingyouaboutamethodofassessingsomeone’spersonalitytypequicklyandeasily.

TinyandInconspicuousSignsSomemovementsthatpeoplemakeareverytinyandveryquick,andifyou’renotlookingcarefullyyou’llmissthem.Onlyaveryobservantpersonwillpickthemup.Forexample,peoplewhowanttoasserttheirauthority,orwhoareverydominantcharacters,willslowlymovenearerandnearertotheotherperson,untiltheybegintofeelasiftheyshouldtakeastepbackwards.Theauthoritativepersonmayalsoleanforwards,thusinvadingtheotherperson’ssenseofspace.Movingclosecanalsomeanthattheyliketheotherperson,butitisusuallyfairlyeasytotellthedifference.So,whenyoucomeacrossapersonwhotendstoalwaysstandtoclosetoothers,youcansafelyconcludethattheywanteveryonetounderstandthatthey’retheoneincontrol.

Theoppositetypeofpersonality-timid,insecurepeople,maysubtlykeepfidgetingwiththeirclothes.Peoplewhothinkthey’reoverweighttendtopullattheirclothing,pullingitawayfromthepartsoftheirbodythattheydon’twantitclingingto,lestpeopleseeitclingingandnoticehowfattheyare.Theyusuallydothisveryfastandinconspicuously.

We’vespokeninapreviouschapterabouthowtoknowwhenyou’reoutonadatewhetherapersonlikesyouornot,buthowaboutinagroupsetting?Howdoyoutelliftheylikeyouiftheyaren’tsittingnearby?Inthiscase,youwon’tbeabletoreadtheusualbodysignslikeleaningcloseandsoon.Well,youcanwatchwhattheydowhensomeoneelsemakesajoke.Iftheylikeyou,they’ll

normallylookyourway,watchingtoseeifyou’relaughingbeforetheydo,astheywanttoseefirstifit’sacceptabletoyouiftheylaugh.Theysubconsciouslywillwanttosay,“Wehavethesamesenseofhumor.”

MinutebutImportantMicroexpressionsaresubtle,tinyexpressionsofthefacethatpeoplehaveverylittlecontrolover.Professionals,suchasinterrogators,watchtheseexpressionstotrytoreadwhatsomeoneisthinkingandfeeling.Microexpressionsarelargelyinvoluntary,soareextremelydifficulttocontrolormanipulate.Theyoftenappearforjustamillisecond.It’sbeenconcludedthatthereareaboutsevenbasicfeelingsthatcanbeshownbythem:shock,repugnance,dread,rage,grief,joy,andhatred.

-Shock/Surprise

Theeyesopenwide,showingthewhitesoftheeyesallround.Thebrowsriseandcausetheforeheadtowrinkleup.Thejawmayevendropopen.

-Repugnance

Disgustordistasteisusuallyshownbythenosecrinklingup,causingthetopliptocurlupwards.Thepersonwilllookasthoughtheyhavesmelledaterribleodor.

-Dread

Fearordreadarenormallyshownbytheperson’seyebrowsdrawingtogetherinastraightline.Thewhitesoftheeyesshowatthetopoftheeyes,notthebottom.Themouthopensandthelipsbecomerigid.

-Rage

Angercausesthebrowtolowerandtheeyebrowstocometogetherinafrown.Theeyesbecomefiery,andmayevenprotrudeslightly.Themouthtightensintoastraightline,orturnsdownwards.Thejawthrustsforwardandtightensup.Thenoseflaresout.

-Grief

Sadnessturnsdownthecornersofthemouth,andthelowerlipmayprotrudeslightly.Theinneredgesofthebrowspullinandareslightlyraised.Theeyescompressfrombelow.

-Joy

Happinesswillcausetheoutercornersoftheeyestocrinkleup,especiallywhenthemouthsmiles.Thelipsturnupinawaythatalsoliftsthecheeks.

-Hatred

Contemptisusuallyaswifterfacialexpression,oftenquicklyhidden.Sometimesitshowsbyonesideofthemouthliftinginasneer,ormaybesubtler,almostlikeasmile.

TheImportanceofWordsAsapersonspeaks,youcanlearnalotaboutthemjustfromthetypeofwordstheysay.Forinstance,it’spossibletoestimateaperson’sagebynotingtheratioofpositivetonegativewordstheyspeak.Theolderapersonis;themorepositivelyemotivewordstheynormallyuse.Olderpeoplealsotendtousemoreverbsinthefuturetense.Therearemanyotherthingsyoucanpickupfromaperson’swords:

-Whetherthey’rebeinghonestornot

Whenapersonisbeingtruthful,they’lltendtousemorefirst-personsingularwords,suchas“he”or“I”.They’llalsotendtousewordsthatpresentbothsidesofthestory,suchas“perhaps”and“maybe”.Theuseofthesenuancedwordsalsohintsatahigherintelligencelevelthanthosewhouseabsolutes.Peoplewhoarenotbeinghonestwilltendtousemoredefinite,absolutewords,suchas“hedefinitely”and“absolutely”.

-Whetherornotthey’redepressed

Self-centered,inward-lookingpeoplewhosayalotoffirst-personsingularwordslike“I”and“me”haveatendencytowardsdepression.Theuseofthesewordsallthetimerevealsfeelingsofisolationandloneliness.

EasyWaytoAssessPersonalityTypeHowquicklycanyoudecidewhatpersonalitytypesomeonehas?Ifyouknowwhattolookforandarealerttothetinysigns,youcangetareasonablyaccurateideaprettyquickly.

Firstly,youneedtodecideifthey’reanintrovertoranextrovert.Noticecarefullyhowlongittakesthemtoanswerwhentheyarequestioned.Introvertstendnottoanswerimmediately,andwillusuallyhesitateandgivethequestionsome

thought.Extrovertstendtoansweratonce,almostseemingtothinkaloudastheydoso.

Secondly,youneedtolookatifthey’reafuturebasedorpresentbasedindividual.Thatis,iftheyliveinthenowandarelargelyfocusedonthepresentmoment,theycanbeconsidereda“sensing”typeofperson.They’llbeattuned,withalltheirsenses,tothesights,sounds,andactiongoingonaroundthem.They’lltendtobemoreobservantandwillnoticesmalldetailsthatothersmiss.An“intuition”typeofpersonality,however,willbemorefocusedonthefuture,planningtheirnextmove,thinkingahead,andtryingtoassesswhat’sgoingtohappennext.

Thirdly,youcanlookathowthepersoncopeswhenplansgetchanged.Iftheyareokwithchange,andfitin,goingalongwiththenewplans,thenthisisanothersignthattheyaremorepresent-based,andnoteasilyshakenupwhenchangehappens.Peoplewhostrugglewithchangetendtobefuture-basedindividualswhoplanandscheduleahead,andlikethingstobeorganizedaheadoftime.They’llbecomeeasilyirritatedbypeoplewhodon’tthinkaheadandaremoreimpulsive.

Aninterestingmethodoflearningmoreaboutwhatkindofpersonsomeoneis,istofindoutwhattypeofmusictheyenjoy.Intelligentandemotionallybalancedtypeshaveatendencytopreferclassicalmusic,orjazz.Thosewholikeheavymetalandrocktendtobeintelligentandhonest.Lightheartedmusicsuchaspop,country,orgospeltendstoappealtooutwardlyfriendly,easygoingtypesofpeople,whoarefairlyconservative.Reallyopen,friendlyextrovertsusuallygowithrapandhip-hop.

Socialmediagiveabigwindowintopeople’spersonalities.Justbylookingatsomeone’sFacebookpagesyou’llseewhattheirviewsareonreligion,politics,andtravel.It’lltellyouhowfamily-orientedtheyare,whetherthey’reaprivatesortofpersonornot,andifthey’reanintrovertorextrovert.

ToSumUpTheseadvancedtechniquesforpersonalityanalysisareextremelyusefulforthosewhoworkwithalotofpeople.Learningtoreadbodylanguageandthefaintexpressionsthatflickeracrosspeople’sfacescanbeaveryvaluableskill,givingyouagreatdealofinsight.It’sausefulskillincareerssuchassales,marketing,psychiatry,andlaw.

Rememberthatemotionsneverstayinward-theyalwayshaveanoutwardmanifestation,nomatterhowtiny.Justbycarefulobservation,you’llbeabletotellhowcomfortablesomeoneis,andwhetherthey’retellingthetruthornot.You’llbeabletolookattinydetailslikehowsomeonemovestheireyesorcrossestheirlegs,anditwillbemeaningfultoyou.Dokeepinmindthoughthateveryoneisauniqueindividual,andtrynottotakea“onesizefitsall”approach.

Therearemanyadvantagestobeingabletoanalyzepeoplewell.Namely,sothatyoucanbetterrelatetoworkcolleaguesandbemoreempathetictowardsthem.Itcanalsohelpyoutokeepyoursupervisorshappy,andunderstandhowtheycopewithstressanddeadlines.Thisknowledgeshouldhelpyouinsocialsituationsaswell,asyoubegintopickuponthesubtlethingsthatpeopleleaveunsaid.Hopefullyithelpsindatingsituations,tohelpyoumakebetterrelationshipdecisions.

Whenyouunderstandsomeone’spersonalitytypeandwhytheyreactincertainways,itcangoalongwaytominimizingmisunderstandingsandconfusionaboutmotives,leadingtomorepeacefulinteractionsallround.

ToConcludeThanksformakingittotheendofthebook.Hopefullyyouworkedthroughtheexercisesandhavecomeawaywithsomepracticalwaysoflearningmoreaboutthosearoundyou.Youshouldalsohavenewinsightintoyourselfandyourownpersonality.Thesetechniquescanbeusedtoimprovethelivesofthosearoundyou,aswellasyourown.It’ssoimportantnowthatyouapplyyournewskillsineverydaysituations,asthemoreyoupractice,thebetteryou’llbecomeatit.It’salsovitaltorememberthatnoneofthesemethodsisawayoftotallyknowingsomeone-theyneedtobeusedalltogetherandbuiltontoformacompletepicture.

Aswithmostthings,it’sagoodideatobeginwithknowingyourself-whichisalifelongprocedure,buttotallyworthit.Watchhowyoureactinvarioussettings,seewhatemotionsariseandfadeatvarioustimes,andnotehowyourvoicechangesincertainscenarios.Asyoubecomemoreself-aware,itwillhelpyoutobecomemoresensitivetoothers.