GreatExpectations:African-AustralianMarriage

MigrationinanEthnographyofAspirational

HappinessandEverydayRacism

HenrikeHoogenraad

ThesissubmittedforthedegreeofDoctorofPhilosophy

DepartmentofAnthropologyandDevelopmentStudies

SchoolofSocialSciences,FacultyofArts

TheUniversityofAdelaide

July2018

i

TableofContents

Abstract iii

Thesisdeclaration v

Acknowledgements vi

Chapter1:Introduction 1Marriagemigrationasahappinessproject 5‘Dark’anthropologyandananthropologyofhappiness 5CriticalRaceTheory:aframeworkforobstructionstohappinessinAustralia 11

ResearchingAfrican-Australianmarriagemigration 14(South)Australianimmigration:anoverview 14MigrationfromtheAfricancontinenttoAustralia 16‘African’meninAdelaide 17Methodsofdatacollection 21

Chapteroverview 24

Chapter2:Love,romanceandhappiness 27Introduction 27Jacob’slovestory 28Conceptualisingromanticlove 31Cross-borderlovestories 34Recollectionsofbeautifulbeginnings 34VisionsofAustralia 42Distancemakestheheartgrowfonder 49

Conclusion 55

Chapter3:Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures 57Introduction 57Thatgutfeeling 59Genuinerelationshipsandthe(Australian)border 61Defining‘genuineness’ 61ApplyingforaPartnervisainAustralia 64

Couples’experienceswiththevisaapplicationprocess 67Dealingwithregulations,timeandmoney 67Accumulatingevidenceandanxiety 73Andfinally,theinterview 80

Conclusion 85

Chapter4:Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism 88Introduction 88‘BecarefulwithAfricanmen’ 89Everydayracismandeverydayprejudice 91Cross-bordercouples’experienceswitheverydayracism 92Men’sexperienceswitheverydayracism 92Women’sexperienceswitheverydayracism 99CouplesandAustralianrelatives 104

ii

CouplesandtheirAfricanrelatives 109AfricancommunitiesinAustraliaandeverydayracism 113

Conclusion 117

Chapter5:Migrantmen’sexpectationsanddisappointmentsofintimaterelationshipsineverydaylife 119Introduction 119Lookingforhappiness,findingsadness 120Malemarriagemigrants 122Experiencesofmarriagemigrationamongmigrantmen 124Expectationsoftherelationship 124Isolationandhomesickness 128Movingupanddownthesocio-economicladder 134Workandfinances 138Controllingwivesandtheregainingof‘masculinity’ 144

Conclusion 148

Chapter6:Sponsoringwomen’sexpectationsanddisappointmentsofintimaterelationshipsineverydaylife 150Introduction 150Anunhappywife 151WhiteAustralianwomenandrelationshipexpectations 153Experiencesofmarriagemigrationamongsponsoringwomen 156Larger-than-averagewomen’sexpectationsofrelationshipsandpartners 156Artisticandfree-spiritedwomen’sexpectationsofrelationshipsandpartners 165Unhappyrelationships 170

Conclusion 180

Chapter7:Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency 182Migrantmen:separationsandmovingon 185Sponsoringwomen:separationsandmovingon 189Thehappyones:narrativesofcompanionship 193

Bibliography 198

iii

Abstract

This thesisethnographicallyexamines journeysofmarriagemigrationamongcouples

consistingofanAustralianwomanandamigrantmanfromthecontinentofAfrica.It

narrates thesemarriagemigration journeysas ‘happinessprojects’ leadingtoagood

life.Fortheinterlocutorsinthisstudy,happinessisconnectedtodreamsforalife-long

partnership that begins with the visa application process. And while there are

momentsof joyalongtheway,happiness isoften invokedasanaspiredstaterather

than an achieved goal; as such, it provides a sense of orientation—a guiding light.

Despite the best of intentions, however, the obstacles of government bureaucracy,

institutional and everyday racism, and unrealistic expectations of romance often

prevent the hoped-for happy endings. I argue that it is under the strain of these

pressures thatmany of the relationships forgedwith high hopes of lasting love and

happinessdeteriorate, creatingemotional,mental andphysical duress. Thepersonal

experiencesofsuchobstructionstohappinessarethefocalpointofthethesis.

Intheprocessoflookingattheexternalandinterpersonalfactorsthatdisruptand

even sever relationships, this thesis upsets a dominant narrative that migrant men

fromvariouspartsofAfricaseektobewithAustralianwomen—manyofwhomaynot

necessarily conform to normative notions of beauty and femininity—for the sole

purposeofobtainingavisa.This ‘scamartist’narrativegeneralisesmigrantmenand

theirsponsoringpartners,anditalsooverlooksandobscurestheverydifficultprocess

ofcrossingbordersbothphysicalandintimate.Togroundtheprincipleassertions,and

toupsetthisscamartistnarrative,theethnographicdataservingasthebasisforthis

thesis consists of participant observation, informal conversations and unstructured

interviewsamong36partnersandex-partners.Thedatawascollectedover15months

in2014and2015 inAdelaideandMelbourne,with follow-upconversationsover the

courseof2016.

Conceptually, the thesis intertwines a ‘dark’ anthropology perspective with an

anthropologyof ‘happiness’ inseeingmarriagemigrationasahappinessproject that

generatesambivalence,conflict,andsuffering,butalsohopeand joy.Thishappiness

scholarship—whichnarrateswhathappinessdoes,andhow it servesasamotive for

iv

peopletoimprovetheireverydaylives—isareactionto,ratherthanareplacementof,

adarkanthropologythatpredominantly focusesonhumansufferingandthe livesof

the ‘downtrodden’. And while on the surface the thesismay seem to focus on the

‘suffering others’, I also emphasise how select interlocutors do not necessarily

experience their lived realities as suffering paths or continuous struggles. Rather, I

focus on ‘what gets in the way’ of their aspired happy endings to illustrate

interlocutors’desiresandaspirations.Sinceinstitutionalandeverydayracismisoften

whatpreventsthesuccessfulpairingofcross-bordercouples,thethesisalsoutilisesa

CriticalRaceTheoryapproach.CriticalRaceTheoryaddsvaluebyoutliningthekindsof

subtleracismthatoftengoesunnamed,butwhichcanbeharmfulnonetheless.

v

Thesisdeclaration

Icertifythatthisworkcontainsnomaterialwhichhasbeenacceptedfortheawardof

anyotherdegreeordiplomainmyname,inanyuniversityorothertertiaryinstitution

and,tothebestofmyknowledgeandbelief,containsnomaterialpreviouslypublished

orwrittenbyanotherperson,exceptwhereduereferencehasbeenmadeinthetext.

Inaddition,Icertifythatnopartofthisworkwill,inthefuture,beusedinasubmission

in my name, for any other degree or diploma in any university or other tertiary

institution without the prior approval of the University of Adelaide and where

applicable,anypartnerinstitutionresponsibleforthejoint-awardofthisdegree.

IgiveconsenttothiscopyofmythesiswhendepositedintheUniversityLibrary,being

madeavailablefor loanandphotocopying,subjecttotheprovisionsoftheCopyright

Act1968.

Igivepermissionforthedigitalversionofmythesistobemadeavailableontheweb,

via the University’s digital research repository, the Library Search and also through

websearchengines,unlesspermissionhasbeengrantedbytheUniversitytorestrict

accessforaperiodoftime.

Signatureofcandidate:

Date:

vi

AcknowledgementsThis thesis would not have been possible without the assistance of a number of

people—toallofwhomIamextremelygrateful. Iwanttotakeamomenttothanka

fewoftheminparticular.

First and foremost, I extend my greatest thanks to all the interlocutors of this

study. I amextremelygrateful to themenandwomenwho shared their life stories,

theirfeelingsandtheirtimewithme.Ithankthemfortrustingme,andforopeningup

tome.Notonlywouldthisthesisnothavebeenpossiblewithoutthem,theirstories

and experiences also taughtme about love andmarriage, and about the journey of

migratingforlove.Theirrecollectionsandourconversationshavebeenveryhelpfulin

myownpersonalcircumstancesofstartingafamilyabroad.

I thank theUniversityofAdelaide for theAdelaideScholarship International that

has supportedme throughout this study, and the Department of Anthropology and

Development Studies for providing the additional funding for fieldwork. I want to

thank the Adelaide Graduate Centre, as well as International Student Support

Coordinator Seaneen Hopps, for all the logistical as well as emotional support in

difficulttimes.

WithintheDepartmentsofAnthropologyandDevelopmentStudiesandSociology,

CriminologyandGenderStudies,IamextremelythankfulformysupervisorsGeorgina

DrewandPamPapadelos.Their knowledge,precision,encouragement,patienceand

kindnesshavehelpedand inspiredme tremendously.Bothhave taughtmesomuch

aboutresearchingandwriting.Georgina’ssharpnessandskilfulness,andherabilityto

help me focus—not to lose sight of my arguments and not to get lost in all the

interestingtheoriesandapproaches—wereamongthemanythings Iamgratefulfor.

Pam, with her knowledge of the Australian context, of gender, femininity and

masculinity,hercarefulreadingofmydrafts,aswellasherkindnessandsupportwere

particularlyvaluable.IfeelveryluckyIhadbothofthemasmysupervisors.

Ialso thankRichardVokes, forsupervisingmeduring the firstyearsofmystudy.

His knowledge of literature and his original thinking has greatly influenced the

vii

directionsmythesistook.MythanksgotoAlisonDundonforourdiscussionsonlove

and relationships, andmore generally for being there forme. Also, Iwant to thank

SusanHemerforadvisingmeandforbelieving inmefromthestart. Iamgratefulto

RodneyLucas,whoasPostgraduateCoordinator,helpedmesetupmyfieldworkwhen

I first started this PhD journey. I want to thank my fellow PhD candidates Tess

Geraghty,Maryke van Diermen,Margaret Becker, ShoshannahWilliams and Johnny

Karanicolas for sharing this journey together.Thecoffeesandconversations thatwe

had,aswellasjustknowingthattheywereincloseproximityandworkinghardintheir

ownofficesmotivatedmesignificantly. IwanttoexpressgreatgratitudetoConcetta

Scarfiello, with whom I had countless conversations analysing love, romance, and

intimaterelationships.Ialsothankherforourfriendship,forbeingthereforme,and

for being patient with me. Her unconditional support has helped me feel that I

belongedinAdelaide.

IalsothankJohnLiddleforcopyeditingthethesis.Withhishelp,theaccuracyand

clarityofthethesisincreasedsignificantly.

I am grateful for my friends in the Netherlands, who—sometimes reluctantly—

acceptedmymovetoAustraliaandalwaysencouragedmetofollowmydreams.Ialso

thankmysupervisorformyBAdegreeatUtrechtUniversity,GeertMommersteeg,and

mysupervisors formyMPhildegreeat theAfricanStudiesCentre,LeidenUniversity,

EileenMoyerandRijkvanDijk,forinspiringmeandencouragingme.

I thankmy sister Josine andher partnerGerard for their support, aswell as the

beautiful photosofbabyBoris they sentmeduring the final stagesofwriting—they

alwaysputasmileonmyface.Tomyparents,whounfortunatelypassedonbeforeI

finishedthethesis, Iamexceptionallygrateful forthemraisingmethewaytheydid,

which I feelhad ledmetochoosethispathof life. Iknowtheywouldhavebeen,or

are,theproudestofall,anditisbecauseofthemthatIkeptmovingforward.

Finally,IamhonouredtonameandtoexpressthankstomypartnerKassim,tohis

daughterZeles,andtoourbabyFrancis.TheyhavemademeahomeinAdelaide,and

haveneverstoppedbelievinginme.IthankKassimforbeingpatientwithme,andfor

viii

hisunconditional loveandsupportandZeles, forwritingand laughingwithme. Iam

especiallygratefultoFrancis,forbringingsomuchsunshinetomylife.

Chapter1:Introduction

This thesis examines cross-border couples’ journeys of love and marriage migration to

Australia.1It narrateshow for couples consistingof anAustralianwomanandaman from

thecontinentofAfrica, journeysofmarriagemigrationarehappinessprojects leadingtoa

goodlife.Fortheinterlocutorsofthisstudy,happinessisconnectedtodreamsforenduring

partnerships that are located inAustralia. After romantic first encounters and a periodof

dating,couplesembarkonjourneystoeverlastinghappinessbyapplyingforaPartnervisa.

ThisthesisfollowssuchjourneysuntilwellaftercouplessettleinAustralia.Whilethereare

momentsofjoyalongtheway,happinessisoftenanaspiredstateratherthananachieved

goal.Despitethebestofintentions,couplesfacemultipleobstructionstotheirsoughtafter

happiness. Government bureaucracy, institutional and everyday racism, and unrealistic

expectations of romance often prevent the hoped-for happy endings. I argue that such

pressures significantly affect partnerships. Initial hopes for lasting love and happiness

deteriorate, and are replaced by emotional, mental, and physical duress. The personal

experiencesofsuchobstructionstohappinessarethefocalpointofthethesis.

In the Australian media, international love and marriage migration are often

sensationally described as insincere and even as a sham. Such news items are not fully

representative of cross-border love and relationships as, generally, success stories are

ignored.TheAustralianCompetitionandConsumerCommission(2015)reportsthatin2014,

atotalofalmost28millionAustraliandollars(AUD)werelosttoromancescamsbyjustover

a thousand people. Of those Australians that sent money to what turned out to be

scammers, 81 lost over 100,000 AUD of their savings (ACCC 2015). One news story was

particularly dramatic as it described how an Australianwoman paid for cross-border love

withnotonlyherlifesavings,butalsolaterwithherlife.TheWesternAustralianwomanin

1In this thesis, I use Williams’ (2010) definition of cross-border marriage migration, which she defines as:‘Migration that results, at least in part, from a contractual relationship between individuals with differentnationalorresidencystatuses.Cross-bordermarriageeitherchangestheimmigrationstatusofonepartner…orit enables one partner to enter and to set up home as a non-citizen spouse in a country foreign to them’(Williams2010:5).Iwanttoaddthatthe‘contractualrelationship’Williamsspeaksofcanbeeithermarriage,oradefactorelationship,solongasthecoupleissettlinginonepartner’shomecountrythroughobtainingaPartner visa. Despite the legislative and therefore simplistic character of this definition, for partners andcouples,marriagemigrationiscomplexandhasmultiplemeanings(Williams2010:8).

Introduction

2

her late sixties had travelled to South Africa tomeet her 28-year-old Nigerian fiancéMr.

Omokohandwas founddead ina Johannesburg rental apartment.Allherbelongings,her

passport,laptop,jewelleryandcreditcardsweremissing.BeforehertriptoSouthAfrica,she

hadsentherfiancéwellover100,000AUDovertheperiodshehadbeenincontactwithhim

online.While her children warned her not to trust this young Nigerianman, the woman

insistedtheyhadagoodrelationshipandthathewastrustworthy.Thenewsarticlequotes

thewoman’sson,whostatesthatshewasobviouslyblindedbyloveandwhodescribeshow

shewouldnotlistentoanyonewarningherthatshemayhavebeenthevictimofascam.He

explainsthathismother’slonelinessiswhatbroughthertotheonlinedatingsitewhereshe

metherfiancé.WhileSouthAfricanpolicesayitwasMr.Omokohwhoreportedfindingthe

bodyand that itwas toosoon toconclude itwasmurder, for thewoman’s familyand for

DetectiveMartinfromtheWesternAustralianFraudSquad,itseemedclearshefellvictimto

ascammer.The latterhalfofthearticle isdevotedtothewordsofDetectiveMartin,who

explainsthatthiswomanisnottheonlyonegettingtrickedintoaromancefraud.Hewarns

people,especiallythoseofmiddleageandover,ofthedangersofmeetingpartnersonline,

oftravelingoverseastomeetsomeonetheyhavenevermetbefore,andofsendingmoney

tosomeonetheyhavenotmetface-to-face(Powell2013).

Inanotherinstance,anewsarticlereportshowanAdelaide-basedwomanfellvictimtoa

man from theDemocraticRepublicofCongo,who she saysonlymarriedher for the visa.

TheyhadbeenmarriedforafewyearsandhadachildtogetherbeforehecametoAustralia

onaPartner visa, but afteronly tenweeksof living togetherhe left her andnow lives in

anothercity.Shehadspentover10,000AUDonhimandeven though theyareno longer

together, and the visa has been cancelled, he is still receiving Centrelink payments. The

womanisquotedasclaimingthatheshouldhavenosuchrightsafterhisdeceptionandfeels

that ‘theonly interesthehashad inhischild is forhisplan tostay in thecountry’ (Littley

2012). Similar to the aforementioned story, the newspaper article portrays theAustralian

womanasavictimof trickery,and theCongolesemanasaperpetrator.As inmanyother

cases,citizenspousesaredepictedasnaïve,whileforeignspousesaredistrustedastheyare

accused of having reasons other than romantic ones for marriage. As a result, a private

matterbecomessubjecttopublicopinion.

Introduction

3

It is within such a suspicious, derogative and often racist context that intercultural

coupleshavetonavigatetheirmarriagemigrationjourneys.Cross-borderrelationships2are

readily considered as fake while migrant men are seen as untrustworthy and their

sponsoring partners are seen as naïve (Eggebø 2013; Constable 2009; Beck-Gernsheim

2007). Such attitudes reflect a general fear that due to geo-political and economic

hierarchies,individualsfrompoorernon-Anglo-Europeancountriesmayusetheir‘Western’

spousestogaincitizenshipand/ortoprofitfinancially.Suchshammarriages—marriagesof

convenience that are supposedly entered into solely for the purpose of a monetary

advantageand/orforavisa—areseenasacautionarytaleinpopulardiscourse.Increasingly,

they are also a point of concern for the governments of countries with majority Anglo-

Europeanpopulations(NeveuKringelbach2013).Australiaisnoexception.Thecountry’sso-

called ‘non-discriminatory’ immigration policy is welcoming to those who can contribute

economicallybut limitsthemovementofpeoplewithoutskills.Anindicationofthis isthat

Partnervisas,aresubjecttocriticalinspection,asmarriagemigrationisseenasaweaklink

in Australia’s migration policies (Jupp 2002).3The primary narrative that emerges is a

warningthatthereislittlethatisromanticaboutcross-bordermarriage.4

2Cross-border marriage migration is among the most popular streams of regulatedmigration globally, andrecently,researchoncross-bordermarriagemigrantshasbloomed.Varioustermsareusedtodescribecross-bordermarriagemigration, and two streamsbecomenoticeable (Williams 2010: 9). The term ‘transnationalmarriage’ as used for instance by Charsley (2005), Shaw and Charsley (2006) and Beck-Gernsheim (2007),describes marriages ‘within established, transnational, ethnic communities’ (Williams 2010: 9). Suchtransnational marriages are among the various transnational practices that preserve family and kin-basedrelationships. Another body of research focuses on difference among couples. Terms for describing cross-border marriages with this emphasis, as summed up by Williams, are: international, intercultural,intermarriages, cross-cultural marriages, and mixed marriages (2010: 9). Such terms ‘emphasize a cultural,ethnic, religious or social difference (italics in text) between the marriage partners regardless of othercommonalities thatmay exist’ (Williams 2010: 9). I concurwithWilliams as she notes that the term ‘cross-bordermarriage’ is relativelyneutralandtherefore ‘avoidsvalue judgementsorreferencetosocialorethniccharacteristics’ (2010: 9). Throughout the thesis I use the term ‘cross-border’ to describe couples. In someinstances,though,whenfocussingonculturaldifference,Iusetheterm‘intercultural’.

3Thereisavastbodyofliteratureonmulticulturalismin,andimmigrationtoAustralia(e.g.Betts2003;Moran2011;Noble2005),butonlyarelativelylimitednumberofstudiesfocusesonmarriagemigration.Asresearchthatdoesfocusonmarriagemigrationmainlydealswithfamilyreunificationandintraculturalmarriages(e.g.Khoo2001;Shabbar2012), still little isknownabout interculturalmarriagemigration.Exceptionsarestudiesfocusingon so-called ‘mail-orderbrides’ fromAsian countriesmarryingAustralianmen (e.g. Robinson1996)andoftentimeshavepowerrelationsandtheirimageinpopulardiscourseastheircentraltopic.Furthermore,

Introduction

4

ThisthesisupsetsanunfoundednarrativethatmigrantmenfromvariouspartsofAfrica

engage in relationshipswithwhite Australianwomen for the sole purpose of obtaining a

visa.Itdoesthisbylookingattheexperienceofsponsoringwomenandmigrantmenbased

inAdelaide,and ina fewcases inMelbourne.This ‘scamartist’narrativegeneralisesmale

marriagemigrantsandtheirsponsoringpartners,anditalsooverlooksandobscuresthevery

difficultprocessofcrossingborders,bothphysicalandintimate.Thecentralassertionofthis

thesis is thatmigrantmenand their spousesexperiencenumerouschallenges toovercome

botheverydayand institutional racism in theirdaily lives,aswellasgenderedobstructions

generated by the process of marriage migration. As sincere as these relationships are

initially, these challenges can cause tensions that jeopardise these relationships and

undermine their success.To underscore this assertion, the thesis explores themanyways

thatmenfromdifferentpartsofAfricaareregulatedandpolicedatmultiplestagesof the

migration process aswell as exposed to different registers of racism in their new lives in

Australia.Alsoexploredarethewaysthatexpectationsandaspirationsforgood,happylives

inAustraliaaresubject toadditionalstressduetodifferentnormsaroundmasculinityand

femininityintheircross-culturalpairings.Itisunderthestrainofthesepressuresthatmany

of therelationshipsthat initiallypromised loveandhappinesscrumble,causingemotional,

mentalandphysicalhardship.

the bookMixed Matches: Interracial Marriage in Australia by historian Duncan Owen (2002) provides anoverview of the experiences of cross-border couples in Australia. The book provides a thorough timeline ofAustralia’spoliciesvis-à-vismarriagemigrationpolicy,butdoesnotinformonsignificantdetailsofthepersonaljourneys of marriage migration. Another interesting study is that of Luke and Luke (1998) on cross-borderfamilies from Anglo-Australian and Indo-Asian backgrounds, describing couples’ experiences with racialdifferenceandeveryday life. Shabbar’s (2012)work focuseson theexperiencesof individualswithmarriagemigrationpoliciesspecifically,asitdescribestheexperiencesofIraqispousesonAustraliantemporaryPartnervisas. Nevertheless, research is sparse and relatively dated. With this study, I hope to add contemporaryinsightsintocouples’migrationjourneys.

4Variousnewsarticlescoverstoriesonvisafraudandmarriagescams.SeeforinstanceAcharya(2017).

Introduction

5

Marriagemigrationasahappinessproject

‘Dark’anthropologyandananthropologyofhappiness

For the cross-border couples Iworkedwith, the popular belief thatmarriagemigration is

oftenforreasonsotherthanlove,andthatthereforetheserelationshipsareasham,placed

theirnarrativesof loveinaratherdarksetting.Alongsidethegendereddifficultiescouples

faced because of their journeys of marriage migration, such assertions created an

environmentthatwasratherharshandsuppressive, insteadoffeaturingtheoptimismand

positivitycouplesinitiallyhadenvisioned.Inthisthesis,Icombineadarkperspectivewitha

‘lighter’or‘positive’anthropologicalfocusonhappiness—whichcanbeseenasasubfieldof

the anthropology of the good (Ortner 2016).5I am looking for ways in which individuals

search and aim for a happy life, despite the obstacles that may be against them.While

describing obstructions to interlocutors’ happiness, I emphasise that interlocutors faced

such challenges because of, and en route, to the happy life to which they aspired.

Interlocutorsofthisstudythuswereactivelypursuingalifeworthliving,eventhoughthey

facedtheconsiderableconstraintsthatshapethebulkofthisthesis.Andwhilethecoming

chapters describe suffering, harshness and disappointments that the journey ofmarriage

migration brought them, all interlocutors were actively pursuing a better life. As a

frameworkforthisstudy,then,Icombinea‘dark’perspectivewithananthropologicalfocus

onhappiness.Theparagraphstocomefirstexplore‘dark’anthropology,beforeelaborating

on‘good’anthropology,andmorespecifically,onhappiness.

Couples’experienceswithmarriagemigrationcouldeasilyfitwithinaframethatSherry

Ortner calls ‘dark anthropology’ (2016). Ortner zooms in on the influence of both

governmental as well as economic neoliberalism and its (darkening) effect on

anthropological theory. Neoliberalism—as an economic system and as a form of

governmentality—aswell as itseffectsbecameboth ‘objectsof studyand frameworks for

understandingotherobjects of study across awide rangeof anthropologicalwork’ (2016:

51–2). She describes a turn to ‘dark anthropology’ since the 1980s, focusing on power

5Ortner (2016) speaks of ‘anthropologies of the good’, of which a study of ‘happiness’ is one direction,alongsidethecloselyrelatedbodyofresearchon‘well-being’.

Introduction

6

relations, exploitation, inequality and hopelessness. Such a turn came about, Ortner

explains,afterpreviousanthropologicalworkmainlyusedaculturalistperspective,focusing

onhowcultureprovidesmeaning.Althoughthisperspectivewaspopular inthe1960sand

1970s,thelatterdecadealsowitnessedanewreductionistcritiquewithaMarxistorpolitical

economyapproach.Especiallysignificantwerepostcolonialtheories,feministstudiesanda

bitlater,racialcritiques.Thesenewpointsofdeparture,althoughoftendisagreeingamongst

one another, did agree on one important thing: that attention needed to be shifted to

inequalities and power relations, and by the 1980s they dominated anthropology. This

became ‘dark anthropology’: ‘anthropology that emphasizes the harsh and brutal

dimensionsofhumanexperience,andthestructuralandhistoricalconditionsthatproduce

them’(Ortner2016:49).6

Inmanyways, ‘dark anthropology’ takes a focus on the ‘downtrodden’ populations of

anthropological study. JoelRobbins (2013)describeshowstudiesof the ‘suffering subject’

builduponthefoundationsofthediscipline’sinitialfocusonthesavage,theprimitive,and

theculturallyopposite‘other’toAnglo-Europeans(seealsoTrouillot2003[1991]).Inmore

recent years, andespecially since the1980sand1990s,Robbins sees a renewed focuson

what he calls the ‘suffering slot’.7This emphasis was in many ways propelled within the

socialsciencesandhumanitiesbytheworkofscholarssuchasMichelFoucaultandEdward

Said. AccordingtoRobbins,whobaseshiselaborationonTrouillot(2003[1991]),suchashift

toanewanthropologicalfocusonthe‘sufferingother’was‘rootedintransformationsin[a]

broadersymbolicorganizationthatdefinestheWestandthesavage’ (2013:449).Hegoes

on toarguethatby the late1980s, such transformationscameaboutas ‘thenarrativesof

development and progress that had drivenWestern history were beginning to lose their

6Regardingneoliberalismasaneconomicsystem,OrtnersumsupstudiessuchasBourdieu’sTheweightoftheworld:Socialsufferingincontemporarysociety(1993)andJamesFerguson’sExpectationsofmodernity:Mythsand meanings of urban life on the Zambian copperbelt (1999). Such studies focus on issues such asunemployment, disconnection, abjection, on the loss of optimism and on a growing insecurity about thepresentaswellas the future (Ortner2016:53-5).Studies focusingonneoliberalismandFoucault’snotionofgovernmentality,suchasthatofFoucault(2008)andOng(2006)focusonforinstance‘waysinwhichsocietyisbeingneoliberalized’,the‘regulationofpopulations’andthe‘precariousnessoflife’(Ortner2016:55-8).

7Robbins bases this term ‘suffering slot’ on Trouillot’s essay titled ‘Anthropology and the savage slot: thepoeticsandpoliticsofotherness’(2003[1991]).

Introduction

7

powertoorganizeourunderstandingoftheworld’(Robbins2013:449).Inthesenewtimes,

theotherwasnolongerculturallyaradicalopposite,andtheboundariesbetween‘us’and

‘them’hadbecome‘blurrierthaneverbefore’(Trouillot2003[1991],citedbyRobbins2013:

449). In the by now globalisedworld, the other now stood in a different relation to ‘us’.

Whereasbeforethe‘other’wasboundedbyculture,theynowhadbecometheoppressed,

marginalised,racialisedanddiscriminatedother(Robbins2013:449).

Forthe last twentyyearsorso,anthropologistshaveusedadarkperspective, focusing

on suffering subjects. Robbins suggests that within the framework of dark anthropology,

‘trauma’became thebridgebetween cultures. Thisnew focuson trauma,which ‘came to

defineahumanitywithoutborders’(2013:454)wastheopportunityforanthropologiststo

let go of the notion of the ‘other’ and to replace it with that of the suffering subject.

Historical cultural andglobal transformations—inspiredbyglobalisationandneoliberalism,

andamongstothersthroughafocusondecolonisation,culturallossandhumanitarianism—

opened up a space for scholars to describe trauma (and thus suffering) as a universal

commonality.Whilesuchstudiesprovideaculturalcontexttosomeextent,muchattention

isgiventogeneralideasofpowerandinequality,aswellastheuniversalconceptsoftrauma

andsuffering(Robbins2013).

Over recentyears, a reaction to ‘dark’ anthropology,witha renewedemphasison the

‘good’,hasbecomediscernible.AccordingtoRobbins(2013),anewanthropologicalfocuson

the good is already apparent as anthropologists are exploring ‘the different ways people

organize their personal and collective lives in order to fosterwhat they think of as good,

and… [to] studywhat it is like to live at least someof the time in light of such a project’

(457). 8,9The anthropology of the good, as Robbins sees it, focuses on ‘value, morality,

imagination,well-being,empathy,care,thegift,hope,timeandchange’(2013:457)(seealso

8He identifies three directions within an anthropology of the good: a) on value, morality, wellbeing andimagination(seeforinstanceGraeber2001,Laidlaw2002,Lambek2010,Lohmann2010,Mathews&Izquierdo2009);b)empathy,careandthegift(seeforinstanceHollan&Throop2011,Garcia2010,Sykes2005);andc)ontime,changeandhope(seeforinstanceDeeb2009,Smid2010,Crapanzano2004).

9Another term forwhat Robbins calls ‘anthropology of the good’ is ‘a positive anthropology’, as coined byEdwardFischer(2014).

Introduction

8

Fischer2014;andDaCol2015,aspecialissueinHAU:JournalofEthnographicTheory,titled:

‘Happiness: Horizons of purpose’). Such works should be seen as reactions to both

neoliberalismaswellasdarkanthropologyandofferawelcomepositivecounterweight to

currentdarknessinbothanthropologyaswellasandmoreimportantly,globalpolitics.Each

perspectiveshouldnotbeseenasmutuallyexclusiveorascompletelyoppositetotheother

butneedtobeintegratedtogether(Ortner2016:58–60).10

One subfield of the ‘anthropology of the good’ focuses on happiness. The idea of

happinessiscloselyrelatedtowellbeing,whichhasbecomeafocalpointofresearch(Ortner

2016:58). IntheintroductiontotheHAUspecial issueonhappiness,HarryWalkerandIza

Kavedžija state that ‘Insofar as the study of happiness necessarily draws together

considerationsofmeaning,values,andaffect,itcouldbeseentolieattheveryheartofthe

anthropologicalendeavor’(2015:2).Yet,ithasbeenmainlyotherdisciplinessuchascultural

psychologyandeconomicsthathavestudiedthephenomenon.Oneexplanation,alongside

the discipline’s aforementioned focus on dark experiences, also has to dowith a ‘certain

suspicion of happiness as an essentially bourgeois preoccupation, increasingly associated

with a neoliberal agenda, and potentially at odds with emancipatory politics’ (Walker &

Kavedžija 2015: 4. See also Ortner 2016). Another reason anthropologists have not

contributedmuchtothewidercommunityofhappinessstudies istheirdifferentapproach

andmethods.Foranthropologists,happinessisnoteasytodefine,andtheydonotsharethe

more general quantitative approach to happiness and thus donot takepart inmeasuring

happinesslevels(Walker&Kavedžija2015:4).

WalkerandKavedžija (2015)elaborateon thevaluesofhappiness.According to them,

‘Howpeople conceiveof, evaluate, andpursue (or not) happiness can revealmuchabout

how they live and the values they hold dear’ (2015: 1). There is no uniform ‘pursuit of

10AppaduraiagreeswithOrtner in incorporatinganthropologiesofboththedarkandthegood,ashewrites:‘Thesestudiesrecognizethataspirationandhope,likedespairandsuffering,alsohaveaculturallogicandareshapedbylanguage,historyandcontext.Theycontestthedominantdevelopmentalistbeliefintheuniversalityof ideasof thegood lifeandof justice, freedomandequality.Theyalsoundermine theoldermodernizationtheorybias,whichsawallhumansocietiesasheadingtowardsaEuro-Americanmoralconsensusaroundideasofequality,libertyandreason.TheserecentstudiesofthegoodlifeanditsvarietiesthusalsoincorporatetheFoucauldian fear of capillary governmentality, but they avoid the Foucauldian tendency to battendown thehatchesandclosethedoorstoresistanceandchange’(2016:2-3).

Introduction

9

happiness’, but rather, happiness ‘means different things in different places, different

societies, and different cultural contexts’ (Mathews & Izquierdo 2009, cited byWalker &

Kavedžija2015:6).WalkerandKavedžijaemphasisethatwhenstudyinghappiness,attention

shouldbegiventothe‘socialandculturalaswellasmoralandpoliticaldimensionsofhuman

experience’(2015:6).Therefore,theyfinditimportanttorelatehappinesstovaluesinthree

differentways.First,‘happinessmaynotbeanunquestionablegoodineverysocialcontext,

letalone theultimategood’.Second, ‘happiness itself is intrinsicallyevaluative’and lastly,

‘happinessthereforecannotbeseparatedfromthespectrumofculturalvaluesinrelationto

whichitbecomesmeaningful,andwhichnecessarilyinformtheprocessofevaluation’(2015:

6-7).Happinesswithinanthropology:

figures as an idea, mood, or motive in people’s day-to-day lives: how they actually go about

makingtheir liveshappier–ornot–whetherconsciouslyorotherwise, inwaysconditionedby

dominantsocialvaluesaswellasanarrayofaimsandaspirationsthatarepotentiallyconflicting

(Walker&Kavedžija2015:5).

AsMichael Lambek (2015) describes, happiness can be about one specificmoment in

time,or lookedat over the courseof one’s life. Furthermore, henotes that the temporal

dimensionofhappiness,andtheevaluationofanindividual’slifecanbeeitherinthepast(in

memoriesandlivedexperiences),inthehereandnow,orinthefutureasgoalstostrivefor.

ForSaraAhmed,happinessisdirectedtowardsthefuture,as‘awish,awill,awant’(2010:

2). Katy Gardner, in her article on happiness and suffering in transnational spaces of a

Bangladeshi family in Britain and Bangladesh, describes how Ahmed’s (2010) notion of

‘happinessprojects’helpstoexplaintheemotionalambiguityofmigration.UsingAhmed’s

(2010)conceptualisationofhappiness,Gardnerarguesthat‘Ratherthanseekingtodescribe

what isatbesta fluidandelusivestateofbeing…socialscientistsmightprofitably thinkof

happinessintermsofwhatitdoes’(Gardner2015:198).Sheexplainshowobjects,aswellas

projects,canbecomesignpostsofhappiness(Ibid.).Gardnergoesontoarguethathappiness

is aspired to and sought after, rather than something actual. ‘Individuals’, she continues,

‘facechoicesorpathsthatwebelievewillleadtohappiness,thepromisedendpointofour

journey’(2015:199).Gardnerexplainsthatwhilemigrationisoftenunderstoodasajourney

tomakelifebetter,itsimultaneouslyleadstofeelingsofloss,sadness,longing,upheavaland

rupture, separationandsorrow.Migrationmay thusmakemigrants (aswell as thosewho

Introduction

10

areleftbehind,thosewhoreturn,andthosetheywillmeetalongtheway)bothhappyand

unhappyatthesametime—dependingontemporalitiesandperspectives.Buttoevaluateor

trytodeterminelevelsofhappinessisnotsomuchthepoint.Rather,asGardnerargues,‘By

treating happiness as a project—an enterprise that projects people into the future—we

focus on how it is imagined and the routes taken in order to reach it, both over the life

courseandoverspace’(2015:199).

Ahmed’s notion of ‘happiness projects’ serves as a framework for the cross-border

couples’ journeys that are described in the chapters to come. Like Gardner’s study, this

thesisseesmarriagemigrationasahappinessproject thatgeneratesambivalence,conflict

and suffering, but also hope and joy. For the interlocutors of this study, happiness is

something that was experienced during the couples’ first encounters, through ‘beautiful

beginnings’. Marriage migration is framed as a project that is taken on because it is an

imaginedachievementofeverlastinghappiness.Romanticpartners,foravarietyofreasons,

connected such ‘Great Expectations’11to these journeys.When I marry, I will be happy.

WhenweliveinAustralia,lifewillbegood.Butasthehappinessprojectwassetinmotion,it

turned out thatmarriagemigration had an insidious effect on aspirational happiness, the

achievementandthepromiseofhappinessthatcouplesintendedtoachieve.Bycombininga

darkanthropologyperspectivewithananthropologicalfocusonhappiness,thethesisaims

to shed light on the series of regulations, institutions, sociocultural ideals, norms and

practices,whichcomeintoplayandmakenavigatingjourneysmuchharderthananticipated.

Strict and elaborate visa regulations, the experience of everyday racism, and the often-

negative effects of marriagemigration on intimate partnerships all made the promise of

happiness an unrealistic ideal. Since institutional and everyday racism are significant

obstructionstohappiness,IuseaCriticalRacelenstoanalysesuchobstructionstomarriage

migrationasahappinessproject.

11 With the thesis title ‘Great Expectations’, I playfully point to the hopes, dreams and expectationsinterlocutors put onto relationships and the migration process, whilst finding negative experiences withstereotypesandracism.AsforthecharactersintheCharlesDickins’novelGreatExpectations,thingsalsodidnotturnoutasgreatasimagined.

Introduction

11

CriticalRaceTheory:aframeworkforobstructionstohappinessinAustralia

CriticalRaceTheory(CRT)emergedinthelate1980sinlegalstudiesintheUnitedStatesand

hassincebeenwidelyusedinotherbranchesofacademia,suchasanthropology,andona

globalscale(Valdesetal.2014:1).CRTmaterialisedasaresponsetoCriticalLegalStudies’

class-basedanalysisas itwasdeemedincomplete(Dixson2018:233).Whilenotdiscarding

classasananalytical factor,CriticalRacescholarsbelieve that the lawreifies,and isoften

responsible for, racial subordinationand inequality (ibid.).CRT’smainassertion is that the

legal system—in the US, but also in other Anglo-European countries—is ‘structured to

maintainwhiteprivilege’inwaysthatkeepthe‘normativesupremacyofwhiteness’inplace

(Valdes et al. 2014: 1). Whiteness as subjectivity, Georgina Ramsay explains, is ‘shared,

mostlyunconsciously,bythedescendantsofEuropeansettlersinsettler-colonialcontextsas

an often-institutionalized mode of, or assumed right to, sociocultural, political, and

economicdominance’(2017:172).Criticalracetheoristsaimto‘exposeanddismantlethis

social and legal status quo from an explicitly race-conscious and critical “outsider”

perspective’ (Valdes et al. 2014: 1). 12 Adrienne Dixon maintains that for Critical Race

theorists,studyingraceandracismshouldnotmerelybeanintellectualexercisebutinstead

‘mustinformsocialactionsthatcanleadtosocialchange’(2018:233).

San JuanitaGarcíadescribeshowCRTaddresseshow immigrantsare racialised inhost

societies,byshifting‘thefocusfrom“ethnic”descriptionsofimmigrantsofcolorbybringing

raceandracismto the forefront’ (2017:1).According toanthropologistsDeborahThomas

12Three assertions form the core of CRT: First of all, CRT insists on race consciousness instead of ‘colourblindness’ to address racialisation. Second, it asserts that structures, systems and institutions need to bescrutinised, rather than the actions of individuals. Lastly, CRT insists on an analysis that is intersectional, ormultidimensional,inordertotake‘intoaccountthecomplexlayersofindividualandgroupidentitythathelptoconstruct social and legal positions’ andpower relations (Valdes et al. 2014: 2).Multiple aspects of identitysuch as gender and class, theorists assert, need to be taken into account in order to safeguard‘antiessentialism’(ibid.).CRTisattentivetosuchdynamicsinitsfocusonracialprejudice.OnebranchofCRTisespeciallyworthwhile tomention, namely Latinx Critical Race Theory (LatCrit) scholarship. Beingparticularlyconcernedwith ‘aprogressive senseofa coalitional Latina/Latinopan-ethnicity’ (DelgadoBernal2002:108),LatCritscholarshipurgestheoriststomove‘beyondtheBlack/whitebinary’(García2017:1).Thisbinarylimits‘the understanding of howpeople of color experienced, challenged, and resisted racismandother formsofsubjugation’ (ibid.). LatCrit scholarsemphasisehow ‘racism, sexism,andclassismare inextricably linkedwithother forms of marginalisation based on phenotype, culture, sexuality, surname, linguistic accent, andimmigrationstatus’(García2017:2).

Introduction

12

andKamariClarke,notionsofbelongingandcivilisationarehistoricallybasedandembedded

in social hierarchies that generate and were generated by racial inequalities. Besides

colonialismandenslavement,‘Modernracismisfrequentlyintertwinedwithbothearlyand

laterstagesofnationbuilding’andAnglo-European(scientific)racismhashadahugeimpact

on racial systems and projects elsewhere in the world (Mullings 2005: 672). Throughout

history,thenationstateasthehegemonicsovereignpoliticalactoralwayshadthetendency

to naturalise ‘national social formations as biological races into specific, bordered

geographies’ (Malkki 1992, citedby Silverstein 2005: 368). FayeHarrisonnotes thatwhile

‘Racial meanings and hierarchies are unstable…this instability is constrained by poles of

difference that have remained relatively constant: white supremacy and the black

subordination that demarcates the bottom’ (1995: 58-9. See also Glick Schiller & Fouron

1990).

Whilethetermracemaynotoftenbeusedtodescribedifference,Harrisonarguesthat,

‘Racialization, no matter how subtle and uneven, is an undeniable dimension of new

immigrants’ experience’ (1995: 58). In the context of my own research this notion of

racialisation featured strongly. For example,malemarriagemigrants I interviewed all had

countless examples of encounters with everyday racism. In a similar way, Ramsay (2017)

explainsbyusingaCriticalRaceapproachhowracismispartofmigrants’livesinAustralia.

Basedonethnographicresearch,theauthordescribeshowCentralAfricanrefugeewomen

experience marginalisation in their everyday life in Australia, through acts of everyday

racism. She argues that ‘belonging in Australian society demands that resettled refugees

demonstrate complicity with naturalized hierarchies of whiteness as an implicit basis of

authorityinAustralia,and,converselynon-whitenessasabasisofinferiority’(Ramsay2017:

171).Ramsayillustrateshowverbalharassmentandnamecallingwerepartofeverydaylife

for women from Central African countries, stemming from a continued acceptance and

normalisation of white sovereignty in which imaginaries of racial hierarchisation are

legitimised(2017:172).

WhileRamsayfocusesonmigrants’experiencesexclusively,thisthesistakesintoaccount

the experienceswith racialisation of not only ofmalemarriagemigrants, but also among

cross-border couples undergoingmarriagemigration. Anne Lavanchy describes ‘how race

Introduction

13

matters’ in thecontextofmarriagemigration toSwitzerland.Borrowing fromthe fieldsof

Critical Race and whiteness studies, Lavanchy explores how ‘nationality constitutes a

legitimated idiomofracialization inarace-mutecontextandreinforcesotheringprocesses

basedontacitracializedpremises’(2014:4).Nationality,theauthorpointsout,‘seemstobe

anobjective, race-neutral,non-discriminatingand therefore legitimatewayof categorizing

people’ (ibid.). However, nationality used in this way serves as a ‘euphemism for

racialization’ (Lavanchy 2014: 9), and visibly different immigrants are distrusted, as their

reasons formarriage couldbe fakeor insincere. In regard tomy research, forallpartners

thatareorhadbeen ina cross-border relationship, theirdifference firstbecamepalpable

whenapplyingforaPartnervisa.TheGovernment’sfocuson‘genuine’relationshipsinorder

todecidewhoiseligibleforavisaimplicitlypinpointsraceasamarkerofdifference.Hélène

Neveu Kringelbach (2013) points out, that bi-national couples (consisting of one non-EU

partner) especially face internal as well as external boundaries. According to the author,

Frenchcitizensfeelthatbyscrutinisingtheircross-borderrelationships,thestateinfantilises

themby deeming them ‘incapable ofmaking appropriate life choices’ (2013: 16). Foreign

partners, in turn, are suspected of ‘emotional trickery for migratory purposes’ (Neveu

Kringelbach2013:11).

This thesis aims to illuminate how race and racialisation serve as key themes in

understandingwhycouples’journeysofmarriagemigrationdidnotturnouttobeashappy

aspreviouslyimagined.Institutionalracism—andconsequentlyeverydayracism—werepart

andparcelofcross-bordercouples’lives,andhencetheirexperiencesofmarriagemigration.

The visible ‘difference’ apparent inmigrant (‘black’)men incited instancesofbothblatant

and subtle racialisation on an almost daily basis. But not only did couples and partners

experience institutional racism and everyday racism in their interaction with others, also

expectations about romantic partners were sometimes based on racialised and exotic

imaginariesoftheother.Race,thus,appearedtobeobstructinghappinessinvariousways,

and consistently emerged as a central theme when analysing the happiness journeys of

cross-border pairings. In the chapters to come, I focus on the various processes of

racialisationthatobstructedtheaspiredhappinessofcross-bordercouples.

Introduction

14

ResearchingAfrican-Australianmarriagemigration

(South)Australianimmigration:anoverview

Thisthesisisgroundedinaparticulargeographicalandsocioculturallydynamicplace,which

influencesthenuancesofwhatIwilldiscussinthecomingchapters.Inordertoshedlighton

thespecific locale, this sectionprovidesa shortoutlineof immigrationand racepolitics in

Australia.ThisisfollowedbyademographicoverviewofAfricanimmigrationtoAdelaideand

Melbourne.Hereafter, I elaborateonAdelaideas themain settingof this thesis, as this is

wherethebulkofthefieldworktookplace.

Australia’s history from white settlement onwards highlights the controversial yet

prevalentpresenceoftheconceptofraceandracialpracticeswithregardstoimmigration.

ThefirstfleetofEuropeansettlersarrivedinAustraliainBotanyBayin1788.Australiawas

firstestablishedasapenalcolony,butfromthe1830sonwards,thenumberoffreesettlers

increased (Australian Government, n.d.). South Australia, with Adelaide as its capital city,

never served as a penal colony, but aimed to plan the composition of its population

carefully. The State’s permanent European settlement began in 1836, starting with

predominantly British economic migrants. South Australia remained largely populated by

Britishmigrants. Earlyminority populations included immigrants of German, Scandinavian

and Italian descent, as well as other European settlers, and also Syrians, Chinese and

Afghans.Suchgroupssufferedconsiderableracialprejudice.AsinAustraliaingeneral,non-

British, and later non-white immigrants were discriminated against significantly (Richards

2015).

When Australia became a federation in 1901, the Immigration Restriction Act 1901,

which became known as theWhite Australia policy, came into place, severely restricting

entry toAustralia fornon-whites (Richards2015).Preferringanational identity thatwasa

‘racially-basedwhiteBritishAustralia’,thispolicyaimedtoensurethatAustralianswouldbe

British,Anglo-Saxon,white,andChristian(Moran2011:2156).Nevertheless,overtimenon-

whitessettledinAustralia,withnumbersacceleratingafterWorldWarII.Migrantsarriving

after1945firstcamefrommainlyEuropeancountriessuchastheNetherlands,Germanyand

Baltic countries, andwere ‘typically young,white andhealthy’ (Moran2011: 2158). Later,

due to the need for non-skilled labourers, the policy was amended to also include

Introduction

15

immigrants from the Southern European countries of Greece and Italy, as well as from

Turkey and Eastern European countries (Hage 2002). From the 1960s onwards, a small

numberofAsianimmigrantswereallowedtosettle,butitwasonlyaftertheVietnamWar—

in which Australia was involved—that Australia welcomed Asian immigrants in larger

numbersbyprovidingrefugetodisplacedVietnamesepeople.Thus,afterWorldWarII,the

Immigration policy slowly became liberalised, and Australia embraced a policy of

multiculturalismfromthe1970sonwards(Moran2011).In2016-17,immigrantscamefrom

avarietyofcountries,withthelargestnumberfromIndia,followedbyChinaandtheUnited

Kingdom(DIBP,n.d.,a).

Australia’smulticulturalistpoliciesaimfortheinclusionofnon-whites,yettheyhave‘not

challengedthedominantpositionofthewhiteculturalhegemony’(Ali&Son2010:419).13

Upuntiltoday,belonging,inclusionandexclusionarebasedonwhiteness.AsRamsay(2017)

argues,fromthecolonial invasiononwards, inAustraliamodesofbelongingarecontested,

and politics of inclusion and exclusion are administered through predominantly white

institutions.14Non-whitemigrants, in someways similar to the experiences of Indigenous

people,encounterassumptionsof‘differenceanddeficiency’,andtherefore,Ramsayargues,

‘contemporary immigrationpolicies inAustralia are…deliberately designed in awaywhich

demands that newmigrants conform to cultural and linguistic forms ofwhiteness’ (2017:

172.SeealsoNdholvu2011).Consequently,orrathersimultaneously,assumptionsofwhite

superiorityanda‘racialisedhierachisation’serveasa‘collectiveculturalmindset’generating

everyday racisms impacting on non-white persons in Australia and causing structural

inequalities(Ramsay2017:173).

13Multiculturalism, Hage (2002) argues, may have become too uncomfortable for Australians over the lastdecades. While it is deemed acceptable to have a normative Anglo-Celtic culture and multiple additionalcultures(‘multiculturalismasculturalgovernment’),havingtheAnglo-Celticdomaintransformedbyothernon-Anglo-Saxon cultures (‘multiculturalism as national identity’) is a cause for anxiety in an otherwise ‘relaxed’country(2002:429.SeealsoNoble2005).

14 From the moment of settlement or invasion, European settlers forcefully and violently dispossessedAboriginal people from their land. Ever since, white institutions have regulated and controlled Aboriginalpopulationsoften inhorridanddisregardingways.Only inthe1960s, ‘political institutionsdominatedbythedescendants of…European settlers’ made the citizenship of Indigenous people something to be considered(Ramsay 2017: 172). These same institutions, Ramsay argues, are responsible for the marginalisation ofAboriginalpeopletoday(ibid.SeealsoMoreton-Robinson2000).

Introduction

16

MigrationfromtheAfricancontinenttoAustralia

Because the bulk of the fieldwork was conducted in Greater Adelaide, I continue by

providing an illustration of my own, and more importantly my migrant interlocutors’

experiences inthiscity,thecapitalofSouthAustralia.ButbeforeIelaborateonAdelaide’s

‘feel’, I briefly provide a historical overview of migration patterns from the continent of

AfricatoAustralia,andinparticulartoAdelaideandMelbourne.Thispartondemographics

helpstounderstandtheways inwhichraceandinstancesofracialisationandotheringare

relatedtotherelativerarityandnoveltyofblackresidentsinthesecities.

Migration from African countries to Australia has a long history, and the number of

Africanmigrantshasgrownconsiderablyover the lastdecades.15The largestproportionof

AfricanmigrantstoAustraliaareSouthAfrican,ofpredominantlyEuropeanorBritishorigin.

In 1861, there were 1,590 African-born persons in Australia, and 56.6 per cent of that

number were white South African-born. In 1947, almost 80 per cent of all African-born

migrants inAustraliawere SouthAfrican. TheWhiteAustralia policy effectively prevented

the immigration of non-Anglo-Saxon Africans. The number of African-born migrants in

Australia increased significantly after the Second World War, mainly with the arrival of

Coptic Christians from Egypt. Decolonisation on the African continent also resulted in an

increase in migrants of British and European origin. While the dismantling of the White

Australia policymeant that discrimination on the basis of racewas removed fromofficial

policy,thisshiftinpolicydidnotnecessarilygenerateanincreaseinthenumberofarrivals

ofAfrican-bornmigrants(Hugo2009).

In2011,atotalof131,851African-bornmigrantswereresidentsofAustralia,and21,082

ofthemhadcomethroughtheFamilystreamvisacategory(AustralianBureauofStatistics

(ABS) 2011a). In 2007–8, Australia’s intake of African-born migrants consisted of 10,603

people,orjustover7percentofthetotalnumberofnewarrivals(149,365)(Hugo2009).16

15AboardtheFirstFleet in1788wereanumberofAfricanAmericans.TheyhadcometoLondonasrefugeesandwerelaterdeportedtoBotanyBay(Pybus2006).

16Almost50percentof theAfrican-bornmigrantsarrivedasskilledmigrants. Justunder20percentarrivedthrough the Family Visa category, and 23 per cent through the Humanitarian Program. A small number ofimmigrantshad‘other’visaeligibilitycategories(Hugo2009).

Introduction

17

WhilethenumberofAfrican-bornsettlersisgrowing,theyonlymadeupjustunder0.6per

cent of the total Australian population of 22.5million in 2011 (ABS 2011b). A significant

increaseofmigrantsfromEthiopia,Eritrea,SudanandSomaliaisrelatedtoAustralia’sintake

ofmigrantsundertheRefugeeandHumanitarianprogram.Smallergroupsofhumanitarian

andrefugeearrivalscomefromBurundi,Liberia,SierraLeone,GuineaandtheDemocratic

RepublicofCongo(DRC).RefugeesfromthesecountriessettledinAustraliafromthe1980s

onwards,buttheirnumberincreasedsignificantlyinthe1990sand2000s.Studentsarrived

mostly fromthe1960sonwardsundertheSpecialCommonwealthAfricanAssistancePlan,

andoftencamefromGhanaandNigeria(Hugo2009).

Zooming in on Greater Adelaide, out of the overall population of 1.2 million in 2011

(PopulationAustralia,n.d.,a),8,786personswereborninAfricancountries,approximately

0.73percentofthetotal(ABS2011c).OftheAfrican-bornpopulation,42percententered

as skilled migrants, 47 per cent as refugees or on humanitarian visas, and 10 per cent

throughtheFamilystream.Atotalof635African-bornmigrantsinGreaterAdelaidecameon

SpouseorPartnervisas(ABS2011c).GreaterMelbournein2011,bycomparison,hadatotal

populationof3.85million(PopulationAustralia,n.d.,b),ofwhich21,559wereAfrican-born

(approximately 0.57 per cent). Just over half of the African-born migrants in Greater

Melbourne came as skilled migrants, about a quarter through the Family category, and

another quarter on humanitarian visas (ABS 2011c).17While the number of African-born

migrantsinMelbournewassignificantlylargerthanthatofAdelaide,theirpercentageofthe

overall population inAdelaidewas slightly larger.Also, inAdelaide almost half ofAfrican-

bornmigrantsarrivedasrefugeesoronhumanitarianvisas; inMelbournejustoverhalfof

theentreeswereeligibleforSkillsvisas(ABS2011c).

‘African’meninAdelaide

That (black)migrants from the continent of Africa are relatively new to Australia, and in

particulartoAdelaide,onlybecameevidenttomewhenIfirstarrivedinAustraliain2013.I

moved to Australia to study African-Australian marriage migration after studying cross-

1775percent,or3,810immigrantsthatarrivedinMelbournethroughtheFamilystreamcameaspartnerstoAustraliancitizensorresidents.

Introduction

18

borderloveinZanzibar,Tanzania.18Inasense,mycurrentresearchisacontinuationofmy

previousstudies.WhilebackthenIlookedatromanticrelationshipsinZanzibar,Ialsosawa

number of Zanzibari men moving away from their beloved island, mainly to European

countries, but also to the United States, and in a few cases, to Australia. Men moved

permanently and shared their lives and successes on social media. I optimistically and

somewhat naively concluded that it must be because their relationships and those new

placesmake them very happy. I thereforewondered: How are those Zanzibarimen,who

practisedmarriagemigrationtobewiththeir foreignspouse, faring?What is life for them

like,asproudZanzibariintheirnewhostcountries?ItwasfromtheseinitialthoughtsthatI

submittedmyPhDproposalonAfrican-AustralianmarriagemigrationtotheDepartmentof

AnthropologyattheUniversityofAdelaide.

Coming from the metropolitan area of the Netherlands, which to me felt rather

multicultural,19I was surprised to discover that the main demographic of Adelaide was

predominantly white. At first, this gave me concerns about whether or not my research

wouldbefeasible.Tomyrelief,Isoonfoundoutthatmyworrieshadbeenunnecessary.It

turnedout that Iwas looking in thewrongplaces, like the city centreand itsmainstream

shopping streets, and the popular beach of Glenelg. This became evident by an early

encounterwithaRwandanmancalledAndrew,20whohad come toAustralia as a student

andwasnowapermanentresident.ImetAndrewatacaféclosetotheuniversity,wherewe

initiatedsmalltalkaboutnightlifeinAdelaide,orthelackthereof.Andrewnoticedmyaccent

andaskedmewhatbroughtmetoAdelaide.IexplainedmyreasonsforcomingtoAustralia

andexpressedmyworriesaboutfindinginterlocutors.Andrewthenofferedtohelpme,by

takingmeto ‘African’eventsandfunctions.Thatfollowingweekend,he invitedmeto join

18In between 2010 and 2013 I lived on the East African Island for 18 months and spent most of my timestudyingrelationshipsamongEuropeanwomenandZanzibarimen.FormyBA inAnthropology, I focusedonthebeginningsof such intercultural relationships,while formyMPhil I lookedat ‘whathappensnext’whenEuropeanwomendecidedtosettle inZanzibarbecauseof,orbymeansof, their romantic relationshipswithZanzibarimen.

19But see for instance Philomena Essed and Sandra Trienekens’ (2008) article on Dutch ‘whiteness’ andcontestedidentities.

20Aswithallothernamesinthethesis,thisnameisfictitious.

Introduction

19

him at an engagement party of an African-Australian couple,where he introducedme to

prominentAfricansinAdelaide.Thisfirstoutingformedmyintroductiontovarious‘African’

subcultures in Adelaide that previously had been hidden to me. It was with the help of

Andrew—and later through various African community organisations—that I found out

aboutthemanyandvaried‘African’spacesinAdelaide.An‘African’Adelaideturnedoutto

bealiveandwellwithits‘African’nightclubandAfricanorcountryspecificdancenights,the

annualAfricansoccercompetition,Africancommunityorganisations,shopsandrestaurants,

and women’s and youth events. It was just a matter of knowing the right people and

knowingtherightplaces.

MostinterlocutorsexpressedtheviewthatAdelaidewouldnotbeascosmopolitanasfor

instanceMelbourne, and that Adelaideans would not be as used to or comfortable with

black inhabitants.Duringmy research Ioftenencountereddescriptionsandopinions from

whiteAdelaideansabout‘Africans’andinparticularabout‘African’men.Whentalkingabout

intimate intercultural relationships, people more often than not used this category of

‘African’men. Especiallywhen something bad or extraordinarywas happening, it seemed

easytoexplainorcategorisesucheventsbyblamingthespecificmigrantman,as‘allAfrican

menwouldbelikethat’.ThesenseofdiscomfortamongAdelaideanswithmigrantsfromthe

Africancontinentcanberelatedtoageneralunfamiliaritywith‘Africa’,apartfromknowing

aboutAfricanrefugees,whobeganarrivinginthecityrelativelyrecently.

‘Africa’isoftenseenasahomogenousplace,eitherfullofwar,ordroughtorpoverty,or

asaplaceofcrisisandproblems.JamesFergusonarguesthateventhoughitiscontroversial

andsimplyincorrecttoconsider‘Africa’asa‘place’—ifonlyfor itsenormoussurfacearea,

numbers of inhabitants, and variety of natural environments, histories, languages and

religioustraditions—there isacertaintruth in it,too(2006:2).AsAchilleMbembeputs it:

‘Africaasanidea,aconcept,hashistoricallyserved,andcontinuestoserve,asapolemical

argumentfortheWest’sdesperatedesiretoassertitsdifferencefromtherestoftheworld’

(2001,citedbyFerguson2006:2).InAdelaide,AfricanrefugeesandotherAfricanmigrants

that are considered to be refugees can be seen as the radical others ‘against which the

lightnessandwhitenessof“Westerncivilization”canbepictured’(Ferguson2006:2).

Introduction

20

IcertainlyformedtheimpressionthatAfrican-bornmigrantsdotakepartinmainstream

and normative Adelaide culture. But, it became apparent that many first-generation

migrants I encountered, and who came to Australia as adults, seemed relatively more

comfortablearoundotherAfrican-bornmigrants.Migrantmenalsoidentifiedthemselvesas

‘African’men (this being one of themanyways they identified themselves). In Australia,

regardless of their nationality or status, these men shared this common nomenclature

imposedonthem,andacknowledgedandusedthetermthemselves(seealsoFanon1986

[1952]onblackness).However,whenmenusedtheterm‘African’menamongthemselves,

theyimpliedasharedknowledgeofthediversitythistermcarried,whileoftenwhentalking

withnon-Africanpeopleabout‘African’mensuchheterogeneitywasnotalwaysimplied.

I emphasise that this loose use of the term ‘African’ men is a dangerous way of

describingmen, as it runs the riskof instigatingorunderscoring stereotypes that I aim to

problematise (see Spronk 2014). As a result, I will refrain from calling my interlocutors

‘African’menunlessthatishowsomeoneotherthanmyselfhaslabelledthem.Instead,Iwill

refertomymaindemographicofstudyas‘migrantmen’oras‘migrantmenfromdifferent

partsofAfrica’.Althoughitwouldtechnicallybepossibletoassociatespecificmenwiththe

specificcountriesinwhichtheywereborn,thisalsoposesproblems.EventhoughthemenI

interviewed and whose lives I studied came from Zambia, Ghana, Nigeria, Liberia, Sierra

Leone, the DRC, Burundi, Rwanda, Tanzania and Kenya—and even though I am highly

attuned to the nuances associatedwith these nationalities—in this thesis I am unable to

associatespecific interlocutorswith theircountriesoforiginas thiswouldgreatlydiminish

their anonymity amongAdelaideanswhomight choose to read this thesis. Specifying one

country(orcityorregion)mayleadtoafailuretosecuretheprivacyofthosemenandtheir

familiesbecausethenetworksofmigrantswithinAdelaidecanberather tightknit.Since I

willbe layering intothediscussionkeydetailsofmyinterlocutors lives,thesedetailsalong

withmentionofa specificnationalitywould inmany instances ‘out’my interlocutors’ real

identitieswithinAdelaideanmigrantcircles.

Introduction

21

Methodsofdatacollection

This research is conducted bymeans of qualitativemethods of data collection. These are

participantobservation, informalconversations, in-depth interviewsandgroupdiscussions.

Themethodshelpedme toprovideadetaileddocumentationofnotonlyhow individuals

andcouplessaytheyfeelanddothings,butalsowhattheyactuallydo,andhowtheyact,re-

act,andrespond.Theseresearchmethodshelpedmetounderstandthreegeneralaspects

of my interlocutors’ lives: the ways in which romantic partners maintain, negotiate and

attune their identities and cultural practices; how they relate to various places, practise

placemakingandexperiencebelongingandrelating;andhowtheobstructionstohappiness

that they meet make them feel, both within their relationship, as well as vis-à-vis the

communityandstatepolicies.Fieldworktookplacein2014and2015andlasted16months,

withfollow-upconversationsoverthecourseof2016.

Migrantmen,whocametoAustraliaasapartnertoawhitesponsoringfemale,andtheir

sponsoring partners (or ex-partners), were the main research participants. I conducted

interviews and had informal conversations with individuals who were or had been in a

heterosexualcross-borderrelationship.Theseincluded:18migrantmen(ofwhom15were

based inAdelaide and three lived inMelbourne), and 18Australianwomen (16Adelaide-

basedandtwoMelbourne-basedwomen).Thesemenandwomenwerenotnecessarilyeach

other’spartners.Insixcases,Ispokewithbothpartnersincross-borderrelations—totalling

12individuals.Iinterviewedsixpartnersthatweretogetherwiththeirsponsoringormigrant

spousewithoutalsotalkingtotheirsignificantother.Halfoftheinterlocutorshadpractised

marriage migration but were separated from their spouses. Among couples that had

separated I only interviewed one ex-partner. I did not feel comfortable about asking the

‘otherex’fortheirsideofthestoryasIdidnotwanttojeopardisemyrelationshipwiththe

firstex-partnerIinterviewed,disrespectthem,orcreateaconflictofinterest.

Participantswerebetweentheagesoftwentyandseventy.Allmigrantinterlocutorshad

settled inAustralia throughtheir romantic relationships,onaPartnervisa.Couplesmet in

African countries, in Asian and European countries, online, or in Australia wheremigrant

menhadresidedasstudentsorartistsontemporaryvisas.TherelationshipsIfollowedwere

indifferentstages.Icapturedstoriesofcouplesthatwerestillintheprocessofobtaininga

Introduction

22

Partnervisa,couples thathad justacquiredresidency for themigrantpartnerandcouples

thathavebeenlivingtogetherinAustraliafortenyearsormore.Otherparticipantsusedto

beinanintimateinterculturalrelationshipbutwerenowseparatedordivorced.

TherelativelysmallpoolofinterlocutorscanbeexplainedbythequantityoftimeIspent

withthem.I feltthatduetothepersonalcharacterofmyresearchtopicandquestions, in

ordertocollectdetaileddata,itwasofutmostimportancetocreatearelationshipoftrust

withinterlocutors.IthereforemetwiththemasoftenasIcould.WhileinrarecasesIonly

met interlocutors once or twice, in general I had regular contact with most of the

participantsofthisstudy.Onaverage,Imetwithinterlocutorsbetween3and15timesand

ourmeetingsnormallylastedoveranhour.Ivisitedthemforcoffeeattheirhomes,metin

cafesforlunchordinnerandwenttobarswiththem.Ioften‘taggedalong’,byparticipating

in their activities. Together,we sometimesvisited friends,orwewentout foran ‘African’

event. Occasionally, we had contact through phone or social media. I met most of the

sponsoring women and couples in private surroundings for in-depth interviews and life

histories. Some migrant men I met in private for interviews, although due to the cross-

gendered situation and relational and gender norms, I often met them in public spaces

ratherthanintheirhomes.

I also aimed to capture the landscape in which the couples were positioned. I

interviewed and had informal conversations with 14 people that were either couples’

friends,acquaintancesorfellowmembersofsocialclubsandAfricancommunities.Itturned

outthatmarriagemigrationandcross-borderlovewasapopulartopic,aswellasapopular

sourceofgossip.IhadmanyconversationswithwomenofAustralia-originandwomenand

men of Africa-origin about cross-border relationships, often not initiated by me but by

interestedothers.21Anotherwayofcollectingdataonthesocialsurroundingsofcoupleswas

toattend‘African’functions,andnightlifeactivitiesaimedatattractingan‘African’crowd.I

attended29suchevents.NotonlydidIgettoknowmanypeople,Ialsolearntmuchabout

21Sometimes such conversationswere frustrating andbordering on racist, butmost of the times theywereamusingand interesting,andalways,nomatterwhatmycollocutor’sopinion, theywere instructive,assuchmore general notions collected in this way do illustrate well, the social realties in which interculturalrelationshipsarelocated.

Introduction

23

groupdynamics,justbyobservingandparticipatinginwhateverwasgoingon.22Ingeneral,

in making use of events and participant observation, I have not used any personal

informationfrompeoplethatwereunawareofmyresearch,unlessIreceivedaclearverbal

consentfromthatperson.

To broaden the dataset, I also interviewed one cross-border couple consisting of a

migrantwomanandsponsoringman,andoneAdelaidemanwhohassponsoredamigrant

woman inthepast.Additionally, Iworkedwithsixcross-bordercouplesthatdidnotapply

foraPartnervisa,as themalemigrantpartnerswerealreadyresidents. Ialso interviewed

threecouplesofAfrica-originwhohadpractisedmarriagemigrationand/orwhomovedto

Australiatogether, inordertounderstandsimilaritiesanddifferencesbetweenthevarious

relationshipsand journeys toandwithinAustralia. I interviewedsixemployees,presidents

and founding members of organisations such as the African Women’s Federation, the

African Communities Counsel of South Australia and smaller African community

organisations that are organised according to nationality, background, or ethnicity.

Furthermore, I interviewed two migration agents with extensive experience guiding and

advisingcross-bordercouplesaboutapartner’svisaapplication.Additionally, I interviewed

onecounsellorofinterculturalcoupleswhohasexperienceworkingwithAfrican-Australian

couples, and one legal adviser for migrant women. Lastly, I had countless informal

conversationswith Africanswho entered Australia as refugees, as students and as skilled

workers.Intotal,Iconductedinterviewswith81people,includingthecross-bordercouples.

The number of interviews totalled 231, of which 156 were with sponsoring women and

migrantmen.

As the research topic is highly sensitive and emotional, it was not always easy for

interlocutors toopenupabout themostprivateand intimateaspectsof their lives.While

somedidgetuncomfortableduetomyquestioning,othersencouragedmetowriteabout

whatishappening,eithertoinformothersorto‘protect’others.Experiencesandemotions

22Iwant tounderscore, however, that someof these functions I didnot attendas a researcher, but just asmyself,asa friendofpeople there.Especially towards theendofmy fieldwork,andat the timeofwriting, Iattendedeventsandgatheringsassocialoutingsformyselfratherthanforthepurposeofresearch.ThesmalltalkIhadwithpeopleatsuchmoments,Ihavenotusedforthisresearch.

Introduction

24

were often inchoate, difficult if not almost impossible to turn into words. Sometimes

interlocutors did not have the dexterity to express their emotions, while at other times

interlocutorsmayhavebeen‘tooemotional’toexpressthemselvesproperly.Itwasahuge

challenge to construct a ‘right’ and respectful portrayal of such divergent experiences all

surrounding one topic. Sometimes, the stories that men shared were completely

contradictory to the stories that women shared. I chose to not aim for ‘the truth in the

middle’, but rather, to create a space for all the contradictory stories. The messiness of

everydaylife,andtheemotionalcharacterofmarriagemigrationarebestillustratedbysuch

ill-fittingaccounts. Iamextremelygrateful tomyparticipants foropeningup tome,and I

hope I have translated their stories in a most respectful way. In order to protect the

participants,allnamesarefictitious.

Chapteroverview

In the chapters to come, I describe the expectations of, and obstructions to couples’

happiness from the romantic first encounters, to well after settlement in Adelaide or

Melbourne.Eachchapterzooms inonspecific imaginationsandhurdlesthatareall inone

wayoranotherrelatedtoinstancesofracialisation.Bydoingso,Iaimtodemonstratethat

marriagemigrationisajourneythatcouplesembarkedonintheanticipationofhappylives,

butone that involvesvarious layersofdisappointing realitiesand instancesof racism that

partnershadnotanticipated.Toanextent,thechaptersnarratesuchexpectationsof,and

obstructions to happiness, in chronological order. But before focusing on such hardships,

Chapter 2 narrates the ‘beautiful beginnings’ of couples’ romantic journeys. This chapter

explains how the ideaof romantic love serves as the foundation for journeysofmarriage

migration,and the startofhappinessprojects. Itelaborateson theways inwhichcouples

met,thefirstperiodofdatingandlong-distancerelationships,andhowcouplesdecidedto

stay together and settle inAustralia. In thisway, the chapterdemonstrates that romantic

love guides movements, logistics, and financial decisions. At this stage, other than

sometimes having temporary long-distance relationships that occurred before settling in

Australia,couplesdonotmeetanyobstructionstotheirloveandthereforeareparticularly

positiveaboutwhatthefutureholdsforthem.

Introduction

25

Chapters 3 and 4 focus on institutional racism and everyday racism, respectively. In

Chapter3,a firsthurdleonthepathtohappinessappears.Thechapterdiscussescouples’

andpartners’experienceswithapplyingforaPartnervisatosettleinAustralia.Becausethe

application process has an administrative focus on ‘genuine relationships’, it becomes

apparentthatcouplesfaceseveralinstancesofinstitutionalracism.Theapplicationprocess

evaluates relationships by looking at their genuineness, from evidence of intimacy,

companionshipandequality.Partnersperceivedthisprocedureasindicatingsuspicionabout

theircross-borderrelationships.Suchscrutinisingofrelationshipsproducesnotonlyanxiety

among couples, affecting couples’ everyday experiences of love and intimacy, but the

procedurealsoshiftsthemeaningandfeelingofromanticloveamongcouples.Thus,while

thevisaapplicationbringscouplescloser to theirdesiredhappyending, italsoservesasa

first obstruction to happiness. Chapter 4 focusses on experiences of everyday racism and

everyday prejudice after couples settled in Adelaide andMelbourne. It gives examples of

variousencounterswith racismandprejudice that influenced couples’ everyday lives, and

thatcausedsignificantfeelingsofdiscomfortandnon-belonging.Suchexperienceswerepart

ofeverydayencounterswithstrangers,aswellasacquaintances,friendsandfamilyofboth

partners. Not only migrant men, but through their cross-border partnering, sponsoring

women also faced instances of racialisation. These negative experiences can be seen as

anotherobstructiontotheirimaginedhappymarriagesandhappyfuturestogether.

Chapters5and6eachdealwiththeparticularexperiencesmigrantmenandsponsoring

womenhadwithmarriagemigration,andbothseektoanswerhowtheir journeysdidnot

realise theirdreamsof livinghappilyeverafter.Chapter5narrateshow formigrantmen,

happy journeysofmarriagemigrationwereobstructedby issues related tomigration and

masculinity.Whilemenhadimaginedtheirjourneyswouldonlyimprovetheirqualityoflife,

in reality their new status as migrant men and dependent spouses influenced their lives

significantly. Everyday dependency on their spouse, isolation and homesickness,

experiencingdownwardssocio-economicmobilityinthenewcontextanddifficultiesfinding

respectableworkandanincomeallaffectedmen’ssenseofselfsignificantly.Migrantmen,

then,whiletheyhadaspiredtoagoodlife,turnedintounhappyhusbandsinstead.Chapter6

illustrates how for sponsoring women, marriage migration often countered the romantic

expectations and hopes women had of their relationships. While women had hoped for

Introduction

26

companionshipandintimacy,relationshipsoftenturnedouttobenotasgoodastheyhad

hoped, due to false expectations and representations of their self and of their partners.

Notionsof femininityand thebody,aswell as imaginationsof theirmigrant spouses, also

interfered with their desired happy endings. The thesis conclusion sums up the main

arguments made in the chapters, and by looking at life after the migrant spouse’s

permanentresidencyisobtained,considersinwhatwayshappinessisachieved,andinwhat

wayshappinessisobstructed.

Chapter2:Love,romanceandhappiness

Introduction

In this chapter, I describe romantic love as the foundation and initiation for happiness

projects. More specifically, I elaborate on significant parts of the sweep of the couples’

experiences and decision-making—including how couples met, how they decided to be

together and how both partnersmost often chose to settle in Australia. In doing so, this

chapter focuses on the ways in which love guides movements, logistics and financial

decisions.

Thischapternarrateshow,forthemaininterlocutorsofthisstudy,cross-borderintimate

relationships provided the means through which happiness could be imagined being

realised. I describe how cross-border couples recollected, experienced and practised their

intimaterelationspriorto,andasabasisfor,theirjourneysoflovemigration.Manypartners

and couples experienced their first encounters as exceptionally romantic. The seemingly

perfectmatchwasoftenexperiencedastoogreatto letgo,whichresulted insettingupa

newphaseof life: living together inAustralia.Romantic loveprovided theopportunity for

cross-borderrelationshipsandconsequentlymarriagemigration.Atthesametime,romantic

lovecouldnotbeseparatedfromsocio-economicorfinancialspheresoflife—perhapseven

more so in this cross-border context. The decision to live in Australia, and couples’

experiences with long distance relationships both indicate how the desire for and the

imagining of a happily ever after is not merely romantic but also social, economic and

political in character. Such narratives help to understand the commitment couples have,

even ifonly initially.Theyalso indicate thedecisionsandsacrifices thatweremade in the

nameoflove—andinthehopeofhappiness.

Toinitiatethediscussionofromanticloveasagroundformarriagemigration,Iturnto

scholarshiptooutlinetheconceptofromanticlove.HereIelaborateonhowromanticloveis

universalyetculturallyconstructed.Hereafter,Inarrateinterlocutors’accountsoftheirfirst

romanticencounters,howcouplescametodecide tosettle together inAustraliaandhow

they stayed in touch over long distances. I want to underscore that I am not looking to

answer the question ofwhether partners really loved their significant other. Rather, I am

lookingathowloveisenactedaswellashowitis(potentially)transformative.Byenacted,I

Love,romanceandhappiness

28

mean the ways in which love, as Lieba Faier (2007: 149) describes, was ‘performed,

professed,andmademeaningful’bycouples.Bytransformative,Imeantheextenttowhich

cross-borderrelationshipswereabletosignificantlyaffectcouples’everydaylivesaswellas

thewellbeingoftheindividualswithinthepartnerships.Moreimportantlyperhaps,lovewas

transformativeasitservedasthefoundationforhappinessprojects.BeforeIturntoloveas

aculturalconstruct,thefollowingnarrationofJacob’slovejourneyillustratesandistypical

forhowmalemigrantsandsponsoringpartnersstartedtheirjourneysofloveandhappiness.

Jacob’slovestory

ThefirstinterlocutorImetinAdelaidewasJacob,amaninhisearlythirtiesfromaSouthern

African country. A mutual friend, Andrew, had introduced us after hearing about my

researchandthatIwaslookingformarriagemigrantstointerview.AndrewhadknownJacob

foracoupleofmonthsandwasimpressedbyhowJacobhadcometoAustralia,andwhathe

had experienced.While he knew Jacobwould be happy to talk tome, as he had already

inquired,hesuggestedtomethatIshouldfirstgettoknowJacobabitbeforeIintroduced

myresearchtopic.AndrewstressedthatwhilemalemarriagemigrantslikeJacobwerenot

necessarily ‘scam artists’, many of them would still feel they were considered as such.

AndrewexplainedthatJacobshouldknowfirstaboutmysincereintentionsinorderforhim

nottofeel threatened inanysense.Therightapproachseemedessential. Itwasforthese

reasons thatAndreworganised for thethreeofus tohave informaldrinksafterworkata

bar.

Itwaswinter in Adelaidewhenwe firstmet together and itwas already getting dark

when I arrived at the bar. The hotel (as such establishments for dining, drinking and

gamblingareoftencalledinAustralia)wasabouttwentyminutesonmybicycleawayfrom

home, but around the corner from where both Jacob and Andrew lived. After searching

aroundinsideIconcludedIhadbeenthefirsttoarrive.ThenAndrewalsoarrivedonhisway

homefromthecity.Abouthalfanhourlater,Jacobfollowed.Inthebararea,wesatdown

onlargestoolsandsharedajugofbeertogether.WhileIhadbeennervoustomeetJacob,

asIfeltmuchdependedonthisfirstencounter,Iinstantlyfeltateaseduetohisrelaxedand

happydemeanour.

Love,romanceandhappiness

29

Wechitchattedawayforthefirsthalfanhour,as Ihadbeen instructedbyAndrew.At

onepoint,IexplainedtoJacobthatIhadlivedinZanzibarforawhile,whereIstudiedcross-

borderrelationshipsbetweenZanzibarimenandEuropeanwomen.Jacobseemedpleasantly

surprisedbythefactthatIhadlivedinanAfricancountrymyself,andidentifiedmeas‘one

ofus’,asIwould‘knowwhatitislikeinAfrica’.Healsostartedtoaskmecuriousquestions

aboutthesecross-borderrelationshipsandwhethertheywork.Thiswasthetimeformeto

tell Jacob about why I had come to Australia, and my current research on marriage

migration. I explained that I was looking to hear about personal experiences ofmarriage

migrants,andthat inZanzibarIhadlearnedthatsuchjourneys,forbothmenandwomen,

couldbeveryhardanddifferentfromwhatcoupleshadexpected.Jacobagreedbynodding

vigorouslyandofferedtohelpmewithmyresearch.HesuggestedIshouldcomeovertohis

homesometimeandhewouldtellmeabouthisownstory.

Aweek later, I rodemybicycle to Jacob’sapartment. Itwasa relativelycleanandtidy

place,withafewfauxleatherchairsandsofa.HesharedtheplacewithanAustralianman

whowasout at the time.When I came in, Jacobwasbusy tidyingupwhile Lingalamusic

videosplayedonthetelevisionscreen.WesatdownonthesofawithaSouthAfricancider

thatIhadbroughtwithme.IknewJacobhadlivedinSouthAfrica,andIimaginedhewould

be happy with something from ‘home’. Jacob then started his story of how he came to

Australia.Hehadmethisnowex-partner inhishomecountrywherehewasworking ina

hotelbar.ShehadcomefromAustraliatohiscountryforaholidayandstayedatthehotel

where heworked. But she had only stayed a few nights in this town as shewas touring

around a few different countries. They had a drink together on the day she arrived, and

talkedforhoursintothenight.Jacobrecalledhowtheirconnectionfeltveryspecialstraight

away.Duringthefewdaysshestayedatthehotel,theyspentmuchtimetogether.Hernext

stopwasCapeTownandJacobspontaneouslydecidedtovisitherthere.Again,thecouple

hadawonderfultimetogether,andJacobfeltthattheyreallymatchedeachother.

Because they got along so well, after Jacob’s partner had returned to Australia, she

decidedtovisitJacobagain.AsJacobhadfoundajobinaCapeTownbarwhenhevisited

herthere,shecametovisithiminSouthAfrica.Thiswasonlyafewmonthsaftertheyhad

firstmet.Jacobestimatesshemusthavejourneyedthreeorfourtimesmorejusttoseehim.

Love,romanceandhappiness

30

Everycoupleofmonths,shetravelledbackandforthfromAustraliatostaywithhimfora

fewweeks.Iassumedthathispartnerhadspentmostofhersalaryandpossiblysavingsjust

tovisitJacob.Heexplainedthat,‘shehadgonebacktoAustraliaandworkedabit.Shemade

lotsofmoney,youknow,andcameoverjusttoseeme.Ifeltveryspecialthatshecameover

justforme’.

JacobthenelaboratedontheirdecisionforhimtomovetoAustralia.Becausetheyhad

liked each other somuch, theywanted the relationship to keep going and to ‘just try it’.

Both knew itwas going to be risky, because they had only known each other for a short

while andonly spent time together intermittently and for just a fewweeks in a row. But

neitherofthemwantedto‘letgo’.JacobwantedtomovetoAustraliabecausehewasnot

sureabouttheiremploymentprospectsinhishomecountry.‘Shehadagoodjobbackhome

and Iwas not really attached tomyhome theway shewas to hers, and I thought life in

Australia would be good.’ For Jacob, Australia had much more to offer than his home

country.Afterall,hehimselfhadalreadymoved toanothercountry forabetterwage.As

Jacobexplained:‘IreallythoughtmoneygrowsfromtreesinWesterncountries,yousee?I

hadonlyseentouristsgoingonsafarisandlivingthelife!’.

Tobeeligibleforavisa,thecouplegotmarriedinJacob’shometown.Thiswastwoyears

afterthecouplefirstmet.Ithadbeenasmallwedding,andmoreofaformalitythanafamily

celebration. Some of his family and close friends were there, but none of his partner’s

relatives or friendswere present. According to Jacob, that did notmattermuch, because

theyplanned to ‘celebratebig time’once inAustralia.Whenhispartnerwentbackhome

aftertheweddingandashorthoneymooninhiscountryoforigin,Jacobresumedworkingin

South Africa until his visawas approved. He explained that he often felt uncertainty and

disbelief that his partnerwould go to such great lengths just for him.He said that itwas

sometimes hard, waiting for their reunion, but that ‘each time we would speak on the

phone,Icouldfeelmyheartmelt’.

IthadbeenfouryearssinceJacobarrivedinAustralia,andunfortunatelythingsdidnot

go as planned. He separated from his partner after about two and a half years of living

together.Jacobexplainedthattheagedifference—heistenyearsherjunior—anddifferent

preferredlifestyleswerethemainreasonsforthesplit.Accordingtohim,hisex-partnerdid

Love,romanceandhappiness

31

notsupporthimsendingremittanceshometohisfamily,assheinsteadpreferredtospend

their money on shopping. Jacob did not see the point of online shopping and buying

unnecessary things and he felt that themoney could be spent inmuch betterways back

home in Africa. He had also been doubtful about her friendships with other men. Jacob

thoughtshehadbeentooclosewithsomeofthemandwonderedwhatshehadbeen‘upto’

whenhewasstillbackhome.Tohim,itseemedthatshepreferrednottobemonogamous.

Overthenextfewmonths, JacobandImetregularly.Sometimes Iwenttovisithimat

home,sometimeswewentforadrinkinthecity.Infact,JacobevenspentChristmasatmy

house,togetherwithothermigrantswithoutfamilyinAdelaide(likemyself).Themoreoften

we met, and the closer we grew, the clearer it became that Jacob, too, was not the

commendable partner he portrayed himself to be that first timewe talked about his life.

Whileheportrayedhisex-partnerassetinherown‘Aussie’ways,Ifeltthathealsohadnot

beenasempathictoherashecouldhavebeen.Bythewayheexplainedtheirconflicts, it

seemedthathehadnotmademucheffortincommunicatingwithher,butinsteadhadoften

beenbluntandunforgivinginhisreactions.Onenight,whenIwashavingalatedinnerwith

mypartnerinapopularcityestablishment,Jacobhadnoticedusandcameovertosayhello.

Weaskedhimtojoinus,whichhedid,andhecomplimentedusonourrelationship.Itwas

somethingthathewantedtoo,heconfessed.Butatthesametime,hesaidthathedidnot

believe in love anymore. Jacob also said that he no longer believed inmonogamy. As he

shrugged,Jacobsharedthatduringhislastrelationship,theonethathehadbeensohappy

withatfirstandthatbroughthimtoAustralia,hehadbeenunfaithful.WhileJacobhadfond

memories of the early days of his relationship, after settling in Australia he felt the

relationshipwasmostlydisappointing.However,heinsistedthathedidnotregrethischoice

ofpursuinglovemigration.‘Wejusthadtotry’,heoftenrepeated.

Conceptualisingromanticlove

Jacob’sstoryrevealsthe initialenthusiasmandexcitementthat lovebrought, feelingsthat

were shared among all migrant men and sponsoring women. Romantic love generated

happinessandupliftingfeelingsandsignalledbeautifulbeginnings.Simultaneously,thestory

illuminates how such perfect romances, when faced with hardships and conflicts, can be

replacedbyarejectionof loveandadeepsenseof loss.Suchstrongemotionscorrespond

Love,romanceandhappiness

32

withpopularbeliefsregardingromanticlove.AnthropologistCharlesLindholmstudiedlove

aroundtheglobeextensively(1988;1995;1998a;1998b;2001;2006)andstatesthat:

Accordingtotheromanticclichés,loveisblind,loveoverwhelms,alifewithoutloveisnotworth

living,marriageshouldbe for lovealone,andanything less isworthlessanda sham.Romantic

love cannot be bought and sold, love cannot be calculated, it is mysterious, true and deep,

spontaneousand compelling, it can strikeanyone–even themosthardened cynic canbe laid

downbyCupid(2006:5).

While this statement reads as culturally consistent with Anglo-European social mores,

romanticloveasaculturalconstructispresentaroundtheworld.23Studiesshowthatyoung

people all over the globe view romantic love as a basis for marriage, thus wanting free

choiceof partners insteadof, or as a basis for, an arrangedmarriage (Hirsch2003; Lipset

2004; de Munck 1988; Spronk 2002). While social and historical contexts differ, various

studies suggest that throughout the world, couples talk about and negotiate emotional

intimacy and sexual pleasure as important characteristics of amarriage (For example, see

Spronk2006;Rebhun1999).24

Butwhatis love?AsWilliamGoode(1959)notes,themeaningof lovehasbeenwidely

disputed. Eva Illouz (1997, cited in McKenzie 2015: 12) explains that it is the unique

character of romantic feelings that make them hard to define. They are therefore often

merelyassumed,ratherthanelaboratedupon(Evans2003,citedinMcKenzie2015:12).For

a long time, social scientists have avoided the concept of love as they deemed the topic

lackedseriousness(McKenzie2015;Lutz&White1986;Svašek2005).AsLindholm(2006:8)

describes,the‘scholarlyreluctancetostudyloveisconnectedtothewayromanticlovehas

beenimaginedtobeatranscendentexperiencethat,byitsverynature,resistsanyrational

23For example, the presence and focus on romantic love is evident from the popularity of the Chinesetelevision show ‘If youare theone’, inwhich singlemenandwomenaregiven theopportunity to find loveamongagroupofsinglesfromtheoppositesex.Thisgameshow,whichisdrenchedinidealsofromanticlove,has a primetime evening viewing in Australia. See https://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/program/if-you-are-the-one.

24Theideaofromanticloveisnotsimplya‘Western’inventioncopiedandpastedtootherpartsoftheworld.Boththelocalandtheglobalhaveaninfluenceonnotionsofmarriage.Throughmedia,foreignnotionsofloveand romantic relationshipshavebecomeavailable inmanycontextsand informpeopleaboutotherwaysoflovingandmarrying(Hirsch2003).

Love,romanceandhappiness

33

analysis’. Anglo-European scientists often considered love to be disease-like, a sort of

madness (see also Alberoni 1983). In particular, the discipline of anthropology for a long

timealmost shunned the topicof romantic lovecompletely.According toLindholm (2006:

7), this lack of interest stemmed from a fear of anthropology not being recognised as an

objectivebranchofscience. Itwasstronglydiscouragedfromstudying ‘soft’ topicssuchas

love,oremotionsingeneral.

Inthe1980sand1990s,thenewfoundanthropologicalinterestinthestudyofemotions

meantthattheconceptofromanticlovewasput(back)onthetable.Sincethen,romantic

love has received growing attention from scholars aiming to define and describe the

concept.Well before his time, Goode (1959) explained that anthropologists focus on the

emotions of romantic attraction and are interested in where and under what

circumstances—bothsocialandpsychological—loveoccurs.He identifiedsexualdesireand

tendernessaskeyfeaturesofromanticlove(Goode1959,citedbyMcKenzie2015:13).But

scholarsdonotallagreeonwhethersexanddesirearepartofromanticlove.AsLindholm

(2006:11–14)observes,somestudiespointoutthatsexisoftenregardedasoutsideofthe

romantic realm, and thatmarriage and romantic love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand

(see further Jankowiak& Paladino 2008; deMunck 1988). In their cross-cultural study of

romanticlove,WilliamJankowiakandEdwardFischer(1992)doincludesexualityandsexual

desireintheirdefinitionofromanticlove.Theircomparativestudyclaimsthatromanticlove

is,infact,universal(Jankowiak&Fischer1992).

Otherscholars,suchasHollyWardlowandJenniferHirsch(2006),LaraMcKenzie(2015)

andLindholm(1998,2001,2006)pointoutthatloveispractisedandunderstooddifferently

indifferentsocialandculturalsettings.Contemporaryresearchdemonstratesthatromantic

love is culturally constructed, and that there is a correlationbetweennotionsof loveand

culturalconstraints (seefor instanceAbu-Lughod1986;Lutz&White1986;Rebhun1999).

As Faier summarises, ‘sentiments [of love] are discursively produced and tied to

socioculturalpracticesandprocesses’(2007:149).Fortheinterlocutorsofthisstudy,while

the course of love may have varied, all emphasised the exciting and romantic first

encounterswiththeirpartners.

Love,romanceandhappiness

34

Cross-borderlovestories

Recollectionsofbeautifulbeginnings

Thestartofmyinterlocutors’romanticrelationshipswasoftendescribedandexperiencedas

afairytale-likeexperience.Itbecameevidentthatsuchearlyencounterswereconsideredas

the beginning of interlocutors’ happiness projects. For me, listening to such romantic

recollectionsofhowcouplesmetwasthemostenjoyablepartofmyfieldwork.Eventhough

somecoupleshadbeenseparatedforyearsbythetimeIinterviewedthem,allinterlocutors

hadgoodmemoriesofthosebeginnings,andmostofthemlookedbacktothoseweeksand

monthswithwarmhearts.Inthissection,Ielaborateonthosefirstencounters.

Interlocutorsmettheirpartnersinvariousplacesandspaces:in14casestheymettheir

partnersinAustralia,insevencasespartnersmetinthirdcountiesinAfrica,EuropeorAsia,

and two interlocutors met their respective partners on online dating sites.25In 15 cases

interlocutors met in the man’s country of origin in Africa. The sponsoring partners had

travelled there for reasons related towork, study or holiday and consequently,met their

futurepartners.Thesesortsofencountersarewellobserved in literatureonromanceand

sextourism.Suchstudiesdescribehowmalesandfemales fromAnglo-Europeancountries

holidayintropicaldestinations,asforinstanceJamaica(Pruit&LaFont1995),Egypt(Jacobs

2009),Brazil (Carrier-Moisan2015)ortheDominicanRepublic(Brennan2004),wherethey

meetromanticpartners.Suchromancescanlastforthedurationoftheholidayonly,butin

some cases, contact continues well after the tourist returns home. The now ‘romantic

partners’stayintouchthroughphonecalls,textsandothermediaplatforms.Often,tourists

come back and visit their partners once or twice, invite them to visit their own home

countries, andmeanwhile send their partners gifts such as clothes andmobile phones as

well as money for themselves as well as their siblings and parents. Sometimes, ‘local’

partners eventually migrate to live with their tourist partner in their Anglo-European

countriesoforigin.Thisbodyofliteratureonromanceandsextourismemphasisestourists’

racialisedfantasies,andthewaysinwhichloveis‘performed’bylocalhostsasastrategyfor

25Oneinterlocutorhadmetafirstpartnerinhishomecountry,andhercurrentpartnerinAustralia.OneotherinterlocutormetbothconsecutivepartnersinAustralia.

Love,romanceandhappiness

35

economic betterment. While for my interlocutors the course of their relationships was

similar, they expressed the view that their own intentions had been for love. For the

Melbourne and Adelaide-based women I interviewed, falling in love ‘just happened’ to

them—they did not travel with the intention of finding love or romance as the main

purpose.AndtheAfrica-originmen, likewise,assertedthat their lovehadbeenaccidental,

ratherthanintentional.

Most women that would eventually sponsor their partners described a ‘magical’ and

liminalspacetheyfelttheywereinwhenmeetingtheirpartner.Theonlyexceptionstothis

were Charlotte and Zachary. The two had met in his hometown where she ran a non-

governmentorganisation(NGO).ThefirsttimeCharlottehadcometoZachary’scountrywas

onaholiday.While shehad fallen in lovewith thecountry, shealsoexperiencedextreme

povertyanddecidedtostartanNGOthereactiveinthefieldofeducation.Afterafewyears

of travelling back and forth to the country shemet Zacharywho by nowworked for her

NGO.Asbothofthemwereinrelationships,neitherhadconsideredtheotheraspotential

partners and they became good friends. However, after a while both their relationships

ended. As Charlotte and Zachary found themselves becoming closer over the course of

everydaycontact,theyeventuallystartedseeingeachotherromantically.

Charlotte’sandZachary’s journey frombeing friends tobecoming romanticpartners is

very different from the stories of other couples. Couples who met in a holiday context

experienced love rather quickly and spontaneously, as Jacob’s story above illustrates. The

connection that Jacobdescribedbetweenhis romantic partner andhimself,was a feeling

shared by many interlocutors. Anne, who visited an African country for a music course

whereshemetherfuturehusband,alsodescribedaninstantconnection.Annerecalledhow

shewas‘sweptoffherfeet’bythathandsomeyoungmanwhowasarelativeoftheguest

family she was staying with. She described him as charming and ‘straight forward with

confessing his love tome’. He had comeby every daymaking sure shewas comfortable,

asking if she needed anything, or if she had enoughwater. During those visits, he talked

aboutmarryingher.AlthoughAnnehadthoughtitwasabitearlytotalkaboutmarriage,she

also‘lovedhisconfidenceandhowhetookthelead’.

Love,romanceandhappiness

36

Seven interlocutors (among them two couples) met their partners in third countries,

eitherinAfrica,EuropeorAsia,andtwocouplesmetonanonlinedatingsite.Startingwith

oneonlinecase,Jadehadmetherex-partnerDesmondonaninternationaldatingwebsite.26

Amutualfriend,whohadaskedherwhethershewouldbeinterestedinbeinginterviewed

about hermarriagemigration experiences, had introducedme to Jade. Jade had agreed,

afterwhichshesuggestedtoourfriendthatIshouldcontactherbysendingheramessage.

Wewrotebackandforthafewtimesasweorganisedatimeanddaythatsuitedusboth.

Jadewasbusywithvolunteering,butoftenhadafternoonstoherselfandwashappytohave

mevisither.ItwasacoldanddrearydaywhenIdrovetoherhomeinasuburbabouthalfan

hour from theAdelaide city centre. Shehad just remodelled thehouse, as she felt itwas

timeforhertofocusonthefuture,insteadofhertimewithDesmond.Shehadpaintedthe

walls, and decorated the house with colourful artwork, curtains and pillows. They had

separatedaboutayearbefore,andthebreak-uphadbeenexceptionallyhardonher.She

wasstillhappytotalktome,asshefeltitwasagoodmethodtohelpherachieveclosure.

Whileshewasmakingmeacoffee,sheinstructedmetohavealookattheirweddingphotos

that she had collected in an album. The small wedding took place in Adelaide, andmost

photos covered the reception theyhad celebratedwith friends and family in her parents’

garden.

When Jade appeared again from the kitchen, she began her story. After a previous

marriage, Jade had been single for a long period of time and friends and family had

encouragedherto‘getoutthere’again.Foralongtimeshehadnotfeltreadyforlove,as

her split fromher husbandhad beenhard on her. They had beenmarried formore than

fifteenyearsandhadtwo(bynowgrownup)childrentogether,buthisinfidelityhadcaused

the relationship to fail. Eventually, Jade decided to listen to her friends and family and

subscribedtoadatingsitewhereshesoonmetDesmond.Desmondhadapproachedherina

‘sweetandfunny’way,sherecalled,whereasothermen‘couldbeveryannoyingoutthere,

26While inpublicdebatessuchinstancesofonline‘internationalmatchmaking’areoftenconsideredasshamrelationships pursued merely for visa or money, scholars such as Constable (2003) and Patico (2009) urgeotherstoapproachsuchrelationshipsbymovingbeyondthesimplisticbinaryofromanceontheonehandandstrategiesforbettermentontheother.

Love,romanceandhappiness

37

really pushy and nasty’. Because ‘he was different’, and because of his ‘extremely good

looks’,shehaddecidedtorespondtohismessages.Desmondhadbeencharmingandhad

appeared tobe interested in Jade. She alsodescribedhimas ‘polite’ andmakingher feel

‘comfortable and happy’. She felt he was the ‘perfect gentleman’. They started chatting

daily, andeventually exchanged contactdetails and continuedwith texting and calling.At

thetime,DesmondwaslivinginanAsiancountryforhisstudies,andJadedecidedtomeet

himthere.Ithadbeenherfirsttimeoverseas,andsherecalled‘beingnervousandexcitedat

thesametime’.Whilelookingbackatherstaywithhimshecouldseemany‘redflags’,but

atthattime,sherecounted,‘Ireallyfellforhim’.Whileshestilldoubtedtheirrelationship,

asDesmondwasmuchyoungerthanher(‘Hecouldhavebeenmyson’,sheconfessed),he

hadconvincedherthatitwasnotaproblem.Jadevividlyremembered,‘Hekeptsayingthat

loveconquersall’,whichmadeherdecidetogivetherelationshipachance.

CouplesWilliam and Lillian andMatthew and Emma had met in European countries.

Bothmenhadlivedthereforafewyearsbythen,andthewomenhadcomeforaholiday

andtravelling,respectively.ForWilliamandLillianithadbeeneasy,bothofthemrecalled,

asithadbeen‘loveatfirstsight’whentheymet,nowovertenyearsago.Bothofthem‘just

knew’ they belonged together themoment they hadmet.While on her holiday they had

spent as much time as possible together. A few months after her holiday, Lillian had

returnedtoEuropeforthetwotomarry.MatthewandEmmaalsoexplainedtheirmeeting

as something thatwas ‘meant tobe’. Emmahad invitedmeover fordinner to talkabout

theirlovemigrationjourney.Shewasverywillingtotalkabouttheirexperiences,asshefelt

itwastimetohearsomepositivestoriesaboutmarriagemigration.WhenIarrivedaround6

pm,Emmawarmlywelcomedmewithahug.Asshewasstillcooking,sheinvitedmetositin

thelivingareawithMatthew,whowaswatchingthenewsontelevision.Sheexcusedherself

beforedisappearingintothekitchenforafewminutes,whereshequicklyputsomedishesin

theoven.Before returning to the kitchen tomake the salads, Emma satdownwithus to

elaborateontheirloveatfirstsight.

EmmarememberedthewaysheandMatthewmetverywell,asshefounditparticularly

serendipitous.About18yearsago,shehadgonetotravelacrossEuropeforafewmonths.

About a week before she was to fly back home, she was particularly ready to return to

Love,romanceandhappiness

38

Adelaide. Shehadnot liked the city shewas inand stayed inherhotel roommostof the

time.Onenight,however, shehad togoout for some food,anddecided towalk into the

mainshoppingstreet—somethingshewouldotherwiseneverdo,asitwastoobusyforher.

‘Then I saw him’, she remembered with a smile on her face. At this point in the story,

Matthewwasgrinningandnodding.AsEmmacontinued, shedescribed the first time she

sawMatthew:‘hewasbusking,singingandplayingtheguitar’.Hismusicwassogoodthat

shedecidedtositandlistenforawhile.Matthewhadalsonoticedher,andafterhefinished

makingmusic,theystartedtochat.‘Fromthatmomenton’Emmaemphasiseswithagrand

smile,‘wewereinseparable’.

Butnotallcouplesmetoverseas.FourmigrantmenwerealreadyinAustraliawhenthey

metthepartnerswhowouldbecometheirsponsors.OneofthemwasSophie,whomether

currenthusbandLucasthroughamutualfriend.LucashadcometoAdelaideasamusician

on a temporary visa, and after a series of concerts, he was to return home. But he and

Sophiehadhit it off together from themoment theymet, at thehouseof another cross-

border couple. Their shared passion for music and a peaceful Rasta lifestyle made them

realise they just felt good together, ‘like a very strong team’. Sophie felt that she could

‘finally enjoy love, enjoy the peacefulness and bond of trust between two people’. Soon

after theymet, Lucasmoved inwith Sophie (also, he did not have a place for himself in

Australiayet)and livedwithheruntilhehadtoreturnhome.But forbothof them itwas

clear:theywereinseparable,andtheywoulddowhateveritwouldtaketogethimbackto

Australia.

Robert,anelderlymanfromanEastAfricancountryhadcometoAustraliaasastudent

backinthe1980s.HewasoneofthefirstAfricanmigrantsinAdelaide.Herememberedthe

dayhemethiswife ‘like itwasyesterday’.Robert livedaboutanhournorthfromthecity

centre,closetothecampusoftheuniversityhewasattending.Hewouldonlycometothe

cityonceortwiceamonth,ashedidnotownacar.Onedayhewentshoppinginthecity

centre andhad a short break to get a cupof coffee. There, in the café, he looked at the

woman servinghim, and ‘instantly fell in lovewithher’. Thiswoman, Jo, hadnoticed this

mancomingintothecafé,nowandthen,duetohisdifferentappearancebutalsobecause

Love,romanceandhappiness

39

she‘fanciedhim’.Theymetupafewtimesaftershefinishedherworkandgottoknoweach

otherbetter.Andaftermonthsofdating,Robertproposedtoher.

Suchnarrativesofbeginningsofrelationships indicatethat love,romanceand intimacy

areassumed‘natural’basesforrelationships(forexample,seeVannier&O’Sullivan2017).

Invariouscontexts,however,theshifttoromanticloveandintimacyasbasesformarriageis

relatively new. In the history of ‘Westernmarriage’, this shift is only recent and gradual

(Povinelli 2002, 2006; Coontz 2005). For hundreds of years until the beginning of the

nineteenthcentury,marriageswereshapedbyeconomic,politicalandsocialfactors.Often,

bringingtwopeopletogetherwasmoreaboutlinkingfamilies,strategicallychoosingin-laws,

and generating a move up the socio-economic ladder. Personal happiness and affection

were possible pleasant side effects. It is only in the last two hundred years that people

graduallybegantoseemarriageasaprivateandpersonalmatter,whichshouldprovidethe

couple with emotional and sexual fulfilment. Only after this view became the norm, did

people start to choose their spousebasedon free choice, insteadof societal norms. Love

becamethebasisforasuccessfulmarriage(Coontz2005).

The term companionate marriage, originating from descriptions of social changes in

WesternEuropeandtheUnitedStatesbetweentheeighteenthandearlytwentiethcentury,

underlines affective aspects of a contemporary relationship (Wardlow & Hirsch 2006).

Companionship, intimacyandsexualpleasurebetweenpartners inegalitariantermsareof

particular importance for a companionatemarriage. Anthony Giddens (1992) argues that

people form a companionate relationship based on choice and pleasure, instead of

obligation and commitment. He sees these relationships as modern forms of kinship

connections that are not based on blood but on emotional bonds.Whether or not such

relationshipsaremarriagesordefactorelationships,romanticlovehasbecomethebasisfor

unions.InAnglo-Europeancontexts,then,whenlovedies,thereisnoreasonforcouplesto

stay together, which is evident by the number of divorces, as well as a current trend of

people to have multiple successive relationships either prior to, or instead of, marriage.

Marriageasaneverlastingunionthusmayhavelostitssignificance.Yet,emotionalintimacy

ismorethaneverexpectedfromarelationship(Coontz2005:278.SeealsoGiddens1992).

Love,romanceandhappiness

40

Such trends in marriage, de-facto relationships and divorce are also present in Australia

(Simons2006;vanAcker2003;Dion&Dion1996).

AnemergingbodyofAfricanist studies focuseson intimacy, romantic loveandgender

dynamics. Such research emphasises, that in African contexts, just as in many settings

aroundtheworld,mutualsexualpleasure,trust,decision-making,andintimacyseemtobe

morevaluedandseenasbasesofmarriagethaninthepast(see,forexample:Ahearn2001;

Cole&Thomas2009;vanDijk2015;Smith2009,2010).Foryoung(urban)peopleinAfrica,

romanticlovenowadaysplaysalargeroleintheirideasaboutandpracticesinrelationships

andmarriage,aswellastheirpositioningoftheselfinapostmodernglobalworld(see,for

example,Spronk2009a;2009b).AsRijkvanDijkargues:

Theembraceoftheromantic–inmanycasesbytheyoungergenerationsinAfrica–oftenruns

asacultureofcritiquevis-à-vistheireldersandthewaytheywanttomaintaincertaintraditions

in, for instance, marital arrangements. Opting for romance often becomes an expression of

protest;anactofdecidingforoneselfwhomtomarryorhowtoexpressaffections. Inasense,

theromanticthenturnsintoabattlegroundofself-direction,self-stylingandself-assertion(2015:

9).

But while romance and companionship as foundations for lasting relationships may be

particularly embraced by younger generations across the continent, numerous long

traditionsof romantic loveexist—althoughnotnecessarilyasbases formarriage—andare

oftenrecollected inpoems,songsandtales.CoastalEastAfricans, for instance,haveused,

andstillusetaaraborchestralperformancestoexpressnotionsoflove,longing,passionand

heartbreak.Songanddanceareinthiswayusednotonlytoexpressromanticemotion,but

also to rehearseand instruct in thewaysof love (Fair 2009).And, for example inNigeria,

whilepeopleincreasinglyselecttheirpartneronthebasisoflove,Nigeriansdemonstratea

longstandingcelebrationofromanticlove.AsoneIgboproverbreveals:utokanaiko,which

translatesto‘sweetnessisdeepestamonglovers’(Smith2009).27

27Butwhileevidently romantic lovehasalwaysbeenpresenton theAfricancontinent, scholarshiphasbeenpatchy. The reasons for this include the discomfort of both anthropologists as well as interlocutors withromantic love and emotions as research topics and as a basis for marriage. Also, socio-historical thoughts,processes and events such as colonial racist ideologies, decolonisation and independence, as well as the

Love,romanceandhappiness

41

Thestoriesofinterlocutorsinthisresearchreflectthecurrenttrendofplacingloveand

intimacyattheheartofrelationshipsandmarriages.Romanticloveappearedtobethemost

important factor for starting relationships and embarking on their journeys of love

migration,theirhappinessprojects.AsAhmeddescribes,‘happinessisexpectedtoresidein

certain places’ (2007/08: 9). For interlocutors of this study, love was the path towards

happiness,andahappilyeveraftertheobjectofdesire.

Onlyoneofthe36interlocutorssaidthatlovewasnotthefoundationforhermarriage.

ThisfinalstoryofarelationshipthatstartedinAustraliaisthatofLucia,anAdelaidewoman

inhermid-sixties,andherex-husbandwhoshehadmetinthe1980s.Throughherworkata

music theatre, Lucia had often been in contactwith African performers from all over the

world,andasaresult,becameverymuch involvedwiththesettingupofthefirstAfrican-

orientedorganisationinSouthAustralia.IvisitedLuciaalmostbiweeklyforaquickvisitanda

coffee.Atalmosteachvisitshereminiscedaboutthosedays,whenshemetherex-husband,

which Icametounderstandhadbeenparticularlyhappyforher.Sheusedtogotoall the

concerts and performances that were organised by African migrants in Adelaide, who in

those daysweremostly students. She felt that back then, because ‘therewere notmany

AfricansinAdelaide’,therewasasensethat, ‘wewereallverycloselyconnected’.Dinners

would be organised for students tomingle, for instance, and everyonewould bring some

food or drinks to share. Lucia had met her ex-husband through this community. She

described him as a ‘good and friendlyman’, and ‘got along really well and were kind of

close’. Lucia agreed to get married because he wanted to stay in Australia. ‘And after a

while,wegotadivorce’.

Lucia’sstoryisatypicalinthesensethatshewastheonlyinterlocutorwhodescribedher

marriage as a practical benefit for her then husband. The other accounts underscore the

importanceofromanticloveforstartingoffrelationships.Descriptionsofexperiencingdeep

connections,beingsweptofone’sfeet,excitementandpassion,andthefindingofone’ssoul

mate all indicate how the model of romantic love is applicable to the first encounters

HIV/AIDSepidemichaveallcontributedtoreducingthesignificanceofloveasaresearchtopic(Thomas&Cole2009).

Love,romanceandhappiness

42

between cross-border couples. The temporality of the love-experience seemed to deepen

theexperience itself, asalmostall couplesknew the time togetherwas shortand limited,

andthussimultaneouslytobeconsideredasextraordinaryandtobeexperiencedevenmore

passionately. Such romantic yet temporal first encounters with love set off journeys that

coupleshopedwouldleadtotheirown‘happilyeverafters’.

VisionsofAustralia

Thissectionillustrateshowforavarietyofreasons,mostcouplesconsideredAustraliaasthe

best location for them to live their happy futures together. That couples felt that their

happinessprojectswouldflourish inAustralia,ratherthanintheparticularAfricancountry

or the third country in which they met, indicates that romantic love is embedded in a

broader socio-economic and political context (Fernandez 2013). Not only were the

anticipated socio-economic opportunities a reason to settle in Australia; family and the

desire to establish a home for the couple were also decisive factors. Such pragmatic,

unromantic factors influenced the course of romantic journeys significantly.However, the

move to Australia was not always a foregone conclusion and sometimes had to be

negotiated, asnot all partnerswere convinced from the start thatAustraliawouldbe the

bestplaceforthemtolive.

Abetterqualityoflifewastheprominentreasonformostmigrantmenandsponsoring

womentochoosetosettleinAustralia.ManymenconsideredmovingtoAustraliaashelpful

toachievingupwardssocio-economicmobility.PaulwasoneofthefirstmalemigrantsthatI

met through theAfricanCommunitiesCouncilofSouthAustralia (ACCSA),anadvisoryand

advocacy body for migrants from the African continent. Paul offered to be interviewed

because likeEmma,he felt itwas important forpeople to learnaboutmarriagemigration

beyondthenarrativeof‘African’menasscamartists.Aflamboyantandenergeticman,Paul

wasinhismid-thirtiesandworkedataconstructionsite.Paulexplainedhowhehimselfdid

not consider his home country as a settlement option due to safety issues and job

opportunities. He was already in a third country, another African country, working as a

securityofficerwhenhemethisnowex-wife.Thiswoman,whoeventuallywouldsponsor

him to come toAustralia, had been visiting a friendwho lived in the area Paul patrolled.

TheymetupdailyandaccordingtoPaul,gotalongsowell thatatonestagetheydecided

Love,romanceandhappiness

43

they wanted to spend their future together. He felt that both of them had better job

opportunitiesinAustralia,andthathispartneralsopreferredtoliveinAustralia.Whenhis

partnergotbacktoAdelaide,theystartedhisvisaapplicationprocess.

Menoftennamedopportunities,education,employment,incomeandsafetyasreasons

for seeingAustraliaasabetteroption than theirhomecountry.Men felt that inAustralia

therewouldberoomfordevelopment,tobecomemoresuccessfulthanbackhome,where

they felt such opportunitieswere hard to find.28Themenwho had not visited or lived in

Anglo-Europeancountriesbefore, likePaul,especiallyfeltthatonceinAustralia, lifewould

begood.Liamisanotherexample.ImetLiamthroughacountryspecificAfricancommunity

organisationa fewmonthsafterhemovedtoAustralia.Duringacommunitybarbecue,he

toldmethatwhilehehadbeenlivinginhishomecountrywithhispartnerforafewmonths,

he had been happy to move to Australia, because he thought there would be more

opportunities there. Back home, he worked in tourism but did not earn as much as he

thoughthecouldearninAustralia.Heexplainedthathehadthoughtitwouldbeeasytoget

ajob,‘IthoughtIcouldjuststartworkingthefirstmorningI[would]wakeupinAustralia’.

Because of his experiences with tourists, he had only seen ‘rich Westerners’ and had

therefore imagined that life in Australia would be good for him and his wife, too. Even

though hewould be far away from his relatives andwould especiallymiss his 5-year-old

daughter,hereasonedthatbeingfarawaydidbringthosebackhomeamorecomfortable

lifestyle,throughthemoneyhewouldremit.

Cross-border relationships thus paved the way for (imagined) socio-economic

advancementnotonly formigrantmen,butalso for thecouple,aswellasmen’s families.

Theaccountsaboveillustratethat(some)menconsideredsuchamovefromtheperspective

ofthecoupleandfeltthatmigratingwouldbegoodfortheirrelationship.Thiswasevident

28Vigh(2009)describeshowtheclassicnotionsofpushandpullfactorsforexplainingmigrationpatternsaretoosimplistic. Instead,hearguesthatmigration isrelatedto ‘regionaldifferences,historicalprocesses,socialties…and, lastbutnot least, imaginedplacesandspaces’ (2009:93).Vighproposesaperspective linking the‘social imaginary’ to the praxis of migration. The ‘social imaginary’ is related to what he calls a globalawarenessfrombelow:‘anunderstandingofaworldorderconsistingofsocietieswithdifferenttechnologicalcapacitiesandlevelsofmasteriesoverphysicalandsocialenvironment,aswellasthespacesandsocialoptionswhichareopenorclosedtopersonsofdifferentsocialcategorieswithinit’(ibid.).

Love,romanceandhappiness

44

frommentakingintoconsiderationthelackofopportunitiesfortheirpartnersintheirhome

countriesorinthecountrieswheretheywerecurrentlyliving.Whilemostmendidnotmind

the move to Australia, and were in fact excited about the move due to socio-economic

opportunities for themand their families, if itwasnot for the relationshipsmenmaynot

havegivenmigrationmuchthought,ordeemeditapossibility.

Theexamples illustratethatapresumeddichotomybetweenloveandmoneydoesnot

exist.While‘Westernideologyandcommonsenseoftenoppose[theideaoflinksbetween]

emotionalattachmentsandeconomicinterests,muchscholarshipsmakesclearthattheyare

entangledatthelevelofpractice’(Thomas&Cole2009:21).ResearchintheUnitedStates

(Zelizer2005; Illouz1997),andelsewhere includingBrazil (Rebhun1999),emphasiseshow

romanceandeconomicsareconnected.Also,literatureonintimacyontheAfricancontinent

illustrateshowexchange ispartandparcelof intimaterelationships (see for instanceCole

2009;Hunter 2009). As ChristianGroes-Green argues in his studyon transactional love in

Mozambique,intimaterelationshipsare‘partofbroadermoraleconomiesofexchangeand

obligations’,suchasamongkin(2014:238).But,astheliteratureindicates,socio-economic

changes,globalizationandmigration,andeconomichardshipsontheAfricancontinentoften

influencethecharacterofsuchtransactions.29

ButnotallmenwerehappyaboutthemovetoAustralia;insteadsomefeltitwastheir

only option for continuing the relationship. A few men indicated that they would have

preferred to stay in their home countrywith their Australian partner. Peter, for instance,

whoImet inabaroneafternoon,explainedthathemethiswifeononeofhisexcursions

when heworked as a tour guide.One of the things he had liked about herwas that she

wanted them to open their own travel agency together in his hometown. He would be

guidingtheexcursionswhileshewouldmanagetheofficework.Shehadaplantostartup

thebusinesswhile living inAustralia together, and then tomoveback.ButPeterwasnot

surewhyithadtobelikethat,andeventuallyitturnedoutthathisnowex-partnerwasnot

interested in thebusinessplanoncetheysettled inAustralia together.Eventhough ithad

29SeeforinstanceAfricaToday’sspecialissue‘Objects,moneyandmeaningincontemporaryAfricanmarriage’whichcollatesrecentethnographicworkonmarriage inrelationtotransnationalism, loveandgender (2016,number62:3).

Love,romanceandhappiness

45

beenoverayearsincetheyseparated,Peterstillfeltdisappointedaboutthistrick.‘Shejust

set me up, and now I am stuck in Australia while I could have just stayed home’, he

explained tomewith an angry, somewhat aggressive andbitter tone, before finishing his

beer in one gulp. This observation further emphasises how ‘intimacy rests on a complex

blendofmaterialandaffectiverelations’(Fernandez2013:282).Peterhadagreedtomove

toAustraliabecauseofhisromanticfeelingsforhispartner,aswellashisexcitementabout

theirfutureplanstogether.Fromwhatheexplainedtomethatday,Iwonderedwhetherhe

wouldhaveagreedtoemigrateifitwasnotfortheirbusinessplans.

WilliamandMatthew,whobothmettheirAustralianpartnersinEurope,alsodidnotsee

Australiaasaparticularlyinterestingplacetomoveto.Bothsaidthatwhiletheirjobswere

notparticularly good in Europe, their social networkhadbeenvery strong.30Both lived in

neighbourhoodsheavilypopulatedbyAfrican immigrantsandhad feltverymuchathome

there. While both had lived in Europe as irregular migrants, by the time they met their

partners, they had gained residency and had long established their extended network of

friends and acquaintances. As such, they felt hesitant about starting a journey that they

knew was going to be difficult, all over again. But since both their partners preferred

AustraliatoEurope,MatthewandWilliameventuallyrelocatedtoAustralia.Suchnarratives

indicate that family life, love and emotion can be stronger motives for a move than

economic or mobility factors. Both Matthew and William understood that it is not

necessarilyeasytoearnalotofmoneyinAnglo-Europeancountriesandwerethereforenot

luredbyAustralia’spresumedriches.Nevertheless,bothmenagreedtoundertakethelove

migrationjourney.

Daniel’s story also illustrates the importance of love or other emotions in deciding to

migratetoAustralia.Itshowshowperceptionsof‘African’mendeceivingAustralianwomen

andusingthemforvisascanbefarfromtruthful. Iwas linkedtoDanielbytheACCSAand

methimforthefirsttimeatthecampusoftheuniversitywherehestudied.Wesatoutside

onabenchwherehe introducedhimself tomeandbegan tellingmehis storyofhowhe

30IncomparisontoAustralia,EuropeancountrieshaveamuchlongerhistoryofAfrica-originimmigration.LocalaswellastransnationalnetworksamongsuchimmigrantstoEuropeancountriesareforinstancedescribedbySaraiva(2008),Krause(2008)andRiccio(2008).

Love,romanceandhappiness

46

came to Australia three years earlier. Danielwas born in aWest African country but had

moved to theUnited Kingdomwhen hewas still young.Hewas living in Londonwith his

parents and siblingswhen hemet his now ex-wife. Daniel was a freelance journalist and

oftentravelledtoAsiaforhisjob.Daniel,infact,talkedatlengthabouthispreviousjoband

itsperks.Heprovidedmewithmultiplestoriesofhumanrights issueshehadreportedon

andthathe felt stronglyabout.Daniel’senthusiasmwhentalkingabouthisown interests,

whichhecouldexpressthroughhiswork,revealednostalgia,andhowheseemedtomisshis

previous cosmopolitan lifestyle. His elaborative account of his life prior to moving to

Adelaide,alsoseemedtoindicatethatthispartofhislifehadbeenbetterforhimthanthe

relationshipthatbroughthimtoAustralia.

Danielandhisformerpartnerhadmetonline.Subsequently,duringoneofhistravelsto

Asia,shecametovisithim.Becausetheyenjoyedeachother’scompany,theykeptmeeting

eachtimehetravelled.ShehadalsostayedwithhiminLondon,onetimeforoneandahalf

years,andanothertimeforsixmonths.‘Wealwaystriedtobetogetherasmuchandaslong

aspossible’,Daniel recalled.Hehimselfhad come toAdelaide for aperiodof sixmonths.

Whilehelovedhispartner,hedidnotparticularlylikeAustralia,ashefoundit‘toofaraway

fromtherestoftheworld’.Whilehispartnerkeptonaskinghimtomove,eachtimehehad

refused.But thingshad changedwhenhis partner’smother got sick. ‘Shewanted to take

careofher,andformethatwasaverygoodreason.SoIagreedtocomeandlivewithherin

Australia.’Allinall,thecouplehadbeentogetherforalmostnineyearsbeforehemovedto

Australia. They gotmarried soon after his arrival, but themarriage only lasted for seven

monthsbeforethecoupleseparated.

ForAdelaideandMelbournewomen,themostimportantreasonforchoosingAustralia

as theirhomewas theirperceptionofabetterqualityof life.This iswhere theyhadtheir

family, friends, jobs, and a general feeling of belonging, as well as an expectation of a

comfortable continuation of life.With a few exceptions, it seemed as if women had not

given settling in other countries any serious thought. In some cases, it seemed that

Australia’shighlivingstandardsmadeotheroptionsforsettlingdowncompletelyirrelevant.

In other cases, however,male partners had not givenwomen the impression their home

countrieswouldbeanoptionatall—asmenalsowantedtomovetoAustralia.Sometimes,

Love,romanceandhappiness

47

their family had made women feel they needed to settle in Australia. For most women,

settling in Australia was the only and obvious thing to do, and other options were not

worthyofadiscussion.

Charlottewas theonly female interlocutorwhohadpreferred to live inherhusband’s

homecountry.Asdescribedabove,CharlotteandZacharyhadbeenlivinginhiscountryfora

while already and had not thought of moving to Australia until Charlotte’s mother in

Adelaide had become terminally ill. The couple therefore decided to move to Australia

together.Whilebothofthemsawtheirfutureinhishomecountry,theybothagreedthatfor

now, they had to move to Australia to take care of Charlotte’s mother. The couple was

enjoyinglifeinAdelaideasmuchastheycould,butbytheirdescriptionof‘wearemakingit

work’,italsoseemedthattheirlivescouldhavebeenbetterinhishomecountry.Also,their

ultimate plan was to move back to that country, and only visit Australia for extended

holidays. This case, aswell as that ofDaniel, illustratesNicolaMai&Russel King’s (2009)

observation that love as a reason to migrate is not limited to romantic love between

partners, but that it can also include love for others such as children, friends, or in this

instance,aparent.

ForotherwomenthedecisiontosettleinAustraliahadmuchtodowithhavingchildren.

Emma, for instance,at firsthadmovedoverseas tobewithMatthew,all thoseyearsago.

The couple had been living quite comfortably in Europe, when she found out she was

pregnant.Thepregnancysignificantlychangedher ideasofhowto live life.Sherecounted

thatbackthenshefeltsheneededstability.WhiletheyhadagreattimetogetherinEurope,

shefeltthatitwasnotagoodenvironmenttoraiseachild.Sheexplainedthat‘Itwasavery

corruptcountryandIfeltIcouldnotrelyonthatgovernmentforhelp.Itwashardenough

for its own citizens, let alone usmigrants’. In Australia, Emma knew shewas able to get

welfarebenefitsandmoreimportantly,shehadherfamilyforsupport.‘So,allofasudden’,

Emmaknew‘Australiawasthecountry[where]Iwantedtobe’.WhileherpartnerMatthew

hadbeenhappyinEurope,hehadagreedwithhiswifethattheyneededtogo‘home’.

Formany,childrenwerenamedas themost important reason for settling inAustralia.

WhilebothEileenandAnnehadsettledinMelbournewiththeirpartnersbeforebecoming

pregnant,havingchildrennowmeantthattheywouldnotconsiderrelocatingfromtheplace

Love,romanceandhappiness

48

theycalledhome.Beforetheyhadchildren,bothhadthoughtthatlivinginAustraliamight

betemporary,andthatinthefuture,Africacouldbeanoption.ThiswasalsotrueforNaomi,

whomethersecondAfrica-originpartnerOttoinanAsiancountry.Shefeltthatherhavinga

youngchildfromherpreviousmarriagemeantthatmovingtoanothercountrywasnotan

option. Naomi said that staying in Australia offered her child so much more in terms of

education and safe surroundings, while in ‘Africa’ there would be too many dangers:

children could get sick easily, health carewould bebelow standards, and the educational

systemwouldnotbeasgoodasitwouldbeinAustralia.Moreover,Naomifeltshehadher

ownandmoretrustedsocialnetworkoffamilyandfriendstohelpandsupportherherein

Australia. Naomi’s arguments for living in Australia mirror those of other women with

children,withwhomIspoke.

The feeling of being at home in Australia seemed to be the most shared reason for

women to choose either Adelaide orMelbourne as a place of settlementwith their new

partner.Italsoseemedtobethemostlogical.Firstofall,womenownedorrentedhouses

and,inthisway,alreadyhadcreatedahome,whereasmenoftenwereonthemoveandhad

onlytemporaryaccommodation.Secondly,becausewomenhadlivedinthesamecityfora

longperiodoftime,theyhadtheirstrongnetworksoffamilyandfriends.Men,incontrast,

hadoftenlivedinmultipleplacesandassuchdidnothaveasimilarsupportiveenvironment.

Often,themenwouldbetheonesthattookfinancialcareoftheirfamiliesbackhomeinthe

villagebysendingmoneyfromnewlocations.Assuch,intermsofsettlingdown,womenhad

more to offer than their partners, and in a country able to provide a higher standard of

living.Thiswasthealsocase for Jadeandhernowex-partnerDesmond.Afterwescrolled

throughherweddingalbumtogether,sheelaboratedonhowtheyhaddecidedtosettlein

Adelaide. Jade described howDesmond had been living in a very tiny apartment in Asia,

whichhesharedwithtwootherAfrica-originmen.Hewasonlytheretostudy,andafterthat

Desmonddidnothaveanyclearfutureplans.Jaderecalledhowhappyshehadbeenwhen

heexpressedhiswillingnesstomovetoAdelaide.Herchildrenaswellasherparents lived

nearherinAdelaide,andshepreferredtokeepitthatway.Shealsofeltthatshewouldget

homesickifshehadtoleave,asshewasveryattachedtoAdelaide.Inaddition,asshewas

livinginathree-bedroomhousebyherself,shethoughtitwouldbe‘goodforbothofusifhe

Love,romanceandhappiness

49

movedinwithme.Herewecouldmakeahometogether,andhewouldnotneedtoworry

anymore’.

While Jade explained the reasoning behindher partnermoving toAustralia insteadof

herrelocatingtobewithhim,otherwomendidnotseemtohaveconsideredthispossibility

atall.Sarah,for instance,appearedtofeelthatherpartnermovingherewastheonlyand

obviouswayitwasdone.PossiblybecauseherpartneralsopreferredtomovetoAustralia,

she felt that her home could offer themmore than any other place in the world. Sarah

seemedtobeverymuchawareofthefactthatherhomesituationwouldbebetterthanhis,

makingsuchcommentsas‘hecantakebettercareofhisfamilywhenheishere’,or‘atleast

I had a home for us’. Possibly, in Sarah’s case, the only optionwas for them to settle in

Australia.

TheaboveaccountsindicatethatcouplessawthemoveofthemalepartnerstoAustralia

asupwardsocio-economicmobility,whichwouldhelpthecouples’jointhappinessprojects

toprosper.EventhoughnotallpartnersstatedapreferenceforlivinginAustralia,lovewas

reason enough to pursue the move. Relocating to men’s home countries or other third

countries was mostly perceived as downwards mobility or at most stagnancy. Most

importantly,couplesimaginedAustraliaasthelocationthatwouldgenerateandaccelerate

theirhappinessandleadtothehappyendingstheydesired.AccordingtoAhmed,‘happiness

isdirectedtowardscertainobjects,whichpointtowardthatwhichisnotyetpresent.When

wefollowthings,weaimforhappiness,asifhappinessiswhatyougetifyoureachcertain

points’(2010:26).Forcouples,thepromiseofhappinesswaseasytopinpoint,thedirection

wasclear,yettheterminuswasfarfromsight.Happinesswassomethingexperiencedinthe

initial stages of their relationships and they expected it to be found in their unfolding

romantic togetherness in Australia. Right at this stage, though, the continuation of the

desiredhappinessrequiredworkandsuffering. Inthenextsection, Ielaborateoncouples’

experienceoflongdistancerelationships,whichmanyhadtobridgebeforebeingreunitedin

Australia.

Distancemakestheheartgrowfonder

BeforebeingabletopursuetheideaoflivinghappilyeverafterinAustralia,24interlocutors

firsthadtofacetheprospectofa long-distancerelationship. Itwasmainlybecauseofvisa

Love,romanceandhappiness

50

regulationsthatcoupleswereforcedto liveseparatelyforaperiodoftime,while inafew

casesthiswasalsonecessaryduetoaneedfortimetogettoknowtheotherpersonbetter.

Thissectionillustrateshowcouplesexperiencedandpractisedlong-distancelove.Itappears,

frommyinterlocutors’accounts,thatdistancedidmakeheartsgrowfonder.Throughtheir

geographical separation, couples perceived that their relationships became even stronger

andmorelikelytodelivertheeventualandlongedforhappiness.Thedistanceaswellasthe

different time zones made it hard for couples to stay in contact, in part because it was

expensivetokeepconnected.Itthenalsoappearedthatonewaytobridgethelong-distance

was through the ‘commodification of intimacy’ (Constable 2009). While at first such

commodificationcanbeseenascontradictorytoromanticlove,thissectionillustrateshow

relationships became deeper and couples more connected through gift giving and

communicationthroughtheuseof(mobile)phonesandsocialmedia.

The accounts above indicate the importanceof thenarrative of romantic love and

loveatfirstsightforbothsponsoringwomenandmigrantmen.Yetformostcouples, love

couldonlybeexperienced temporarily, as return flight ticketswerealreadybooked,work

commitments called and visas ran out. It seems that the volatility of the romantic

experiences in fact increased the impact and the grandness of the romantic experience;

therewas only a short period of time inwhich couples could be together, could feel this

romantic love;aclearenddatewasalwaysinsight.Assuch,timeandplace—geographical

temporality—seemed to have a significant impact on the directions relationships took, as

wellastheintensityofloveexperienced.

For the couples, such a sudden distance was experienced in various ways, but all

described the time apart as one of suffering and longing. Interlocutors would ‘count the

days’ until theywould see their loved ones again. Couples and partnerswhowere in the

midstofthevisaapplicationprocess,especially,sharedtheirlongingwithothersbyposting

on social media. Both women and men would express how they were missing their

significantother,andhowitwas‘unfair’thattheyhadtobeseparatedforsuchlongperiods

oftime.Whilesomeinterlocutorsexplainedthatthetimeapartalsomadethemdoubttheir

decision:‘WhatamIthinking,whatkindofrelationshipisthisanyway?’and‘HowcanItrust

thattheotherperson isascommittedas Iam?’, theyalso felt that thedistancemadethe

relationshipmoredramatic,morepassionate.AsSophieexpressed,whenIvisitedherfora

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51

morningcoffeeafterherpartnerLucashadreturnedhomeduetovisaconditions,‘Nowthat

Lucasissofaraway,Irealisewereallybelongtogether.Imisshimsomuchithurts’.

Itthusseemedthateventhoughthedistancewasahurdleforcouples,italsoincreased

theirfeelingsofbeing‘meanttobe’,theirconfidenceinthestrengthoftherelationshipand

their chance of a promising future together. This corresponds with scholarship

demonstrating that partners in long distance romantic relationships paradoxically show

morestabilityintheirrelationshipsthandopeoplewholiveclosetotheirromanticpartners

(Stafford&Merolla2007;Borellietal.2014).AccordingtoLauraStaffordandAndyMerolla

(2007:37), the idealisationofone’spartner—which includes the fouraspectsof ‘idealistic

distortion,romanticlove,relationalreminiscence[and]perceivedagreement’—aswellasa

greaterlevelofsatisfactionpartnershavewithcommunication,seemstoinitiallymakethat

long-distancerelationshipsmorestablethangeographicallycloserelationships.

Couplesstayedintouchthroughletters,email,phoneandvideocalls,socialmediaand

messaging.Often,womenwouldmakesuretovisittheirpartnersintheirhomecountry,and

somemenmanagedtovisitwomeninAustralia.WhileNaomiwaswaitingforherpartnerto

joinher inAdelaide, theyhad contactmultiple timesaday.With their smartphones, they

senteachothermessageswhenwakingup,wishingeachothergoodnight,sendingphotos

orvideosofdailyactivities,andsometimestheyhadvideochats.Inthisway,Naomifeltthey

werenotthatapart,afterall.Yet,wheneverherpartnerwouldnotreplyorpickup,orwas

notfastenoughtorespond,shebecameworriedthathewasdoingotherthings,orwould

notbeascommittedassheherselfwasandthathesaidhewas.Itseemedthattheeffortto

stayintouchmadehersometimesmorestressedthanhappy.

DylanandEileendidnothaveaccesstomoderntechnologywhenhewasstilllivingback

home.EileenlivedinMelbournewheresheworkedatauniversity.Shehadbeenstudyingat

thesameuniversity18yearsagowhenshewentonastudytriptoAfrica.Itwasduringthis

timethatshehadmetDylanwho isnowherhusband.Whentheywere ina long-distance

relationship, thecouplehadagreedthat theywouldcallonceaweek.Thishadbeenabit

difficult becauseDylandidnot have aphone. Eileen recalled that shewould call thepost

officeinhisvillage,andaskfor‘AuntieLetitia’,whowouldthenmakesuretogetDylanon

theline.Often,Dylanwasindeedthere,patientlywaitingtoreceivethecall.‘Butsometimes

Love,romanceandhappiness

52

he was not there’, Eileen remembered, ‘Because something had come in between’.

Sometimes something—eitherworkor familymatters for instance—causedhim tonotbe

abletoreachthepostofficeintime.ThoseinstanceshadnotworriedEileenatall,because

she‘understoodthathecouldnotbethereeachandeverytime’.

Mydataindicatesthatnomatterhowrecentorhowlongagolong-distancerelationships

occurred,migrantmenhad lessmeanstoactivelystay intouchthansponsoringwomen.31

Eileen’spartnerDylancouldnotmakethephonecallhimselfas itwas tooexpensive,and

Naomihadgivenherpartnerthesmartphonetokeepintouch.Oneoftheexceptionswas

Paul,ashewastheonesendingmonthlyremittancestohispartnerwhenshewaspregnant

with their child inAustralia. Forwomen, although it hadoftennotbeeneasy to comeup

with the financialmeans, theyeventuallywereable to initiatecontact,aswellas (re-)visit

theirpartnersintheircountry.Incontrast,mostmigrantmenwerefinanciallyinnoposition

topurchaseaflightticket;andeveniftheycould,atouristvisawasdifficulttoobtain.Thus,

women often instigated contact, by going to visit,making phone calls and providingmen

withmobilephones.Anotherwaytoshowlovetotheirpartnerwasthroughsendinggiftsto

himandhisextendedfamily,aswellassupportinghimfinanciallywhennecessary.

Suchexamplesillustratehowmonetisationandmaterialexchangesareaninherentpart

of intimaterelationships.Numerousstudiesexaminetheculturalconstructionsof loveand

romance in different localities and consider how they are commodified in terms of gift

exchanges,mass-mediatedmodernromance,andmaritalexpectations(Constable2009:55.

SeealsoHirsch2003;Padillaetal.2007).The‘commodificationofintimacy’hasbecomean

importantfocuswithinthefieldofintimatemigrations.AccordingtoNicoleConstable:

Recentstudiesofcross-bordermarriages,courtships,dating,andsexualpartnershipsofvarious

sortshavepointed tonewpatternsof commodificationand to rapid growthofprofit-oriented

31As initially my aim was to gain trust among interlocutors, I intentionally did not ask about financialarrangementsintheearlydaysofcouples’relationships.Whileitcouldbeassumedthatwomenfinanceddatesand outingswhen visiting their partners in Africa or Asia, none ofmy interlocutorsmentioned this.Moneytherefore did not seem to be a source of potential tension or conflict, at this stage in their relationship.Perhaps, interlocutors were reluctant to talk about money. But even after couples separated, none of myinterlocutorsmentionedtheinitialfinancialdisproportiontobeanissue.

Love,romanceandhappiness

53

andelectronicallymediated formsofmatchmakingormarital introduction that facilitatewider

globalpatternsofcross-borderrelationships(2009:53).

For instance, Constable (2003) and Caren Freeman (2005) describe how international

marriagepartnersarepromotedonlineasiftheywerecommodities.ButasConstable(2009:

54) notes, commodification is rarely unambiguous, or complete, andone can ask how far

love and intimate relationships are completely separated from monetary value. Thus,

instead of considering practices of commodification and, romance and intimacy, as

dichotomies, there isa fluidityand interconnectednessbetween the two (see for instance

Faier2007;Spanger2013).Constablegoesontoarguethat:

Commodification of intimacy is not an analytical end in itself, but instead offers a valuable

startingpointforanalysesofgenderedsocialrelations,culturalmeanings,socialinequalities,and

capitalisttransformations(2009:54-55).

Transnational intimacydoesnotnecessarilyonly increase thecommodificationof intimacy

and intimate relations. Rather, new relationships may be defined, and give way to

‘redefiningspaces,meaningsandexpressionsofintimacythatcantransformandtransgress

conventional gendered spaces and norms’ (Constable 2009: 58). Dinah Hannaford, for

instance,describesremittancesasactsofcareamongSenegalesetransnationalfamilies.The

sending of remittances by husbands, who are working abroad, to their wives become

‘gesturesofcare’asthegeographicaldistanceimpliestheabsenceofotheropportunitiesto

showaffection(2016:93).

Formyinterlocutors,women’sgift-giving,thesendingofremittancesandthepurchasing

of flight tickets to visitmenweremeans to express love and care thatwere essential to

maintain intimate contact in long-distance relationships. Expenses were thus a direct

demonstration of love, and such acts were only performed because of the romantic

connectionamongpartners.Butwhilemenassuchseemedtobecomethereceiversoflove

and attention, theirmuch smaller gestures often counted as the sameor evenmore. For

instance,whileEileenestimatedshespenthundredsofdollarsonphonecallstoDylan,that

hemadetheefforttobethereatthepostofficewaitingforhertocallwasunderstoodasan

exceptionally romantic move. Furthermore, a man sharing an expression of love for his

Australian partner on his Facebook page was often considered as more special than her

Love,romanceandhappiness

54

sendingasumofmoneyforacousin’sschoolfees.Thismaybeduetothepopularideathat

romanticloveshouldbeseparatedfromanyeconomictransactions(Illouz1997),aswellas

the gendered idea among interlocutors that men generally are not as good in ‘doing

romance’ as women (see, for instance, Thompson & O’Sullivan 2012). Simultaneously, it

seemed that there was a general understanding that because men were from African

countries,theywereassumedtohavelessmeanstostayintouch.Anythingtheydid,then,

toincreasetheclosenessbetweenthepartners,wouldcountasanimportantgesture.

It became evident through the commodification of intimacy, that gendered and geo-

politicalpowerrelationshipshadbecomediscernibleforthefirsttime.Womenaimedtostay

in touchwhereasmen took on amore passive position, as they depended onwomen to

initiate and define the contact. As I indicated in the previous section, Africanist research

indicates that intimacy and transactional love are influenced by the continent’s economic

hardship, socio-economic changes, globalisation andmigration. Lynn Thomas and Jennifer

Cole argue that in recent years, the monetisation of intimacy has become increasingly

visible, and that ‘material exchanges not just…reflect but…produce emotionally charged

relationships’ (2009: 21. See also Cornwall 2002; Helle-Valle 2004). For my interlocutors,

such newly introduced gendered relationship dynamics were related to socio-economic

positioning on both national and global scales. Aswill be illustrated inmore detail in the

chapterstocome,mencamefromlowersocio-economicstratafromtheirhomecountries

and these countries in turn are not as prosperous as Australia. With a few exceptions,

women also mostly came from lower socio-economic and middle-class backgrounds in

Australia.Butinaglobalisedworldingeneral,andinthecontextofcross-borderlove,and

marriagemigrationtoAustraliainparticular,women’snationalitygeneratedanadvantaged

position. While such differences between partners had been present from their first

encounter,theynowbecamemorevisible.Atthisstage,though,interlocutorsdismissedor

did not seem to recognise the major impact and consequences of socio-economic

inequalities between partners on their happiness projects.32Instead, they emphasised the

32 It could be possible, though, that the receiving of gifts and remittances did make some men feeluncomfortable,astheydidnothavethemeanstoreciprocateatasimilar level.However,noneofthemenIaskedaboutthisexpressedsuchdiscomfortsbutinsteadunderscoredtheircontributionstotherelationship.

Love,romanceandhappiness

55

romanticnatureofthevariousactsofgiftgivingandimaginedtheirhappyfuturetogether,

fullofanticipation.

Conclusion

Thischapternarratedtheromanticbeginningsofrelationshipsthatwouldeventuallyleadto

marriage migration. It illustrated couples’ and partners’ experiences, practices and

descriptions of romantic love that served as the start of their path to future happiness.

Interlocutors described their first encounters asmagical and serendipitous, and the initial

stagesoftheirrelationshipsasexceptionallyromantic.

Simultaneously,couples’decisionstopursuehappinessinAustraliaillustratedhowlove

in fact is not separate from social, economic or political spheres of life. Instead, love, it

appears,isembeddedinlargersocialworlds(Fernandez2013),andvariousexternalfactors

influenced couples’ choice for residency in Australia. While it is often assumed that

interculturalcross-bordermarriagesaregenerallyengineeredforfinancialgainforthenon-

Anglo-Europeanspouse(NeveuKringelbach2013),theaccountsaboveindicatedotherwise.

Mostmigrantmen in this study,aswell as the sponsoringwomen, preferred to settle in

Australiatogetherduetothesocio-economiccircumstancesthattheydeemedtobebetter

in Australia. This decision to settle in Australia illustrated that the couples’ love was

characterisedbyromance,butwasnotentirelyseparatedfrompracticalmatters.

How intimacy becomes commodified (Constable 2009)was illustrated by the focus on

couples’ long-distance relationships after their first encounters, but prior to settling in

Australia.Longdistancechangedthecourseofrelationships.Althoughitwasexperiencedas

aperiodofsufferingandlonging,italsohelpedcouplestothinkabouttheimportanceand

greatpromiseoftheirhappinessprojects.Itcreatedalongingandevenstrongerdesiretobe

together.Simultaneously,itbecameapparentthatmoneyandmaterialexchangesmirrored,

but also changed intimate relationships (Groes-Green 2014). Love now was expressed

through phone calls as well as through gift giving and expensive visits. Almost always,

women were financially in a better position to enable such contact and practices of

commodificationofferedthefirstglimpsesofgenderedandgeo-politicaldynamicsbetween

partners. Such inequalities, which would become increasingly more visible as marriage

migrationjourneysevolved,willbediscussedmore,andin-depth,inthechapterstocome.

Love,romanceandhappiness

56

Butwhileromanticlovemaybeintertwinedwiththe‘practicaleveryday’(Eggebø2013),

for interlocutors theirmain focuswas on pure romantic love as the foundation onwhich

theirhappinessprojectswerebuilt.Asdescribedintheintroductiontothisthesis,happiness

canbebothalong-termproject,andaspecificmomentintime(Robbins2015.Seealsofor

instance Lambek 2015). Walter and Kavedžija explain that happiness can be seen as a

process,andisfuture-oriented,whentheyarguethat

Whileitcanbeusefulandimportanttoconsiderwhathappiness‘is’,includinghowitisimagined

or(insomecases,perhaps)achieved,weareequallyconcerned…withhowhappiness‘works’,or

whatit‘does’:howitentersintopeoples’lives,leadingthemtochooseonepathoveranother–

andwhatitrevealsaboutthosepeopleintheprocess.(2015:7).

Furthermore:

Happiness isoftenaspired to,as it ‘providesa senseoforientation; likeahorizon itdelimitsa

spaceofactionandunderstanding,evenas it recedes fromview.Situationalandcontingent, it

bringssomethingsintofocuswhileoccludingothers,andaddsasenseofdepthtothemundane

andeveryday(Walker&Kavedžija2015:16).

Forthecross-bordercouples,withoutromanticlovetherewouldbenohappinesstopursue.

Romanticlovethereforebecomestheobjectthatpointstowardhappiness,andtofollowits

‘pointwouldbetofindhappiness’(Ahmed2010:26).

For couples and partners, romantic love legitimised the upheaval thatwould soon be

causedbymarriagemigrationprojects.Suchobstructionsare illustrated inthechaptersto

come.Inthenextchapter,Iwillcontinuetonarratemyinterlocutors’journeysofmarriage

migrationtowardsahappylifeinAustraliabyfocusingonthenextstep:thevisaapplication

process.Iwillillustratehowthisprocess,withitsfocuson‘genuineness’,wasunderstoodby

interlocutorsasbothaprocesscausingstressandsuffering,andsimultaneouslyasastruggle

inwhichthemutual lovebetweenpartnersgavethemthemotivationtofightforashared

future.

Chapter3:Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

Introduction

The Department of Immigration and Border Protection (DIBP) booklet ‘PartnerMigration’

states that, ‘when you apply for a Partner visa, youmust provide evidence that supports

your claims of a genuine and ongoing relationship with your partner’ (2017: 41). 33

Genuineness, which becomes evident through intimacy, companionship and equality, has

become the only legitimatemeans throughwhich partners can live together in Australia.

This chapter elaborates on the ways in which the Australian visa application procedure

influences the journey of love migration among cross-border couples through an

administrative focus on ‘genuine relationships’. I demonstrate that, although the visa

application is a step towards the couples’ imagined happy and romantic futures, it

simultaneouslyisexperiencedasanobstructiontohappiness.Theapplicationprocessuses

andimpactsonthenotionofthegenuinenessofrelationshipsinvariousways.Bydoingso,it

negatively affects couples’ everyday lives and the lived experiences of their relationships.

Below, I focus on the practicalities of the visa application procedure to explain how

meanings and practices of genuine and romantic love change. I clarify how the visa

procedure’s focus on genuineness and romantic lovemay actually shift themeaning and

feelingofromanticloveamongcouples.

Although anthropological accounts of lovemigration to Australia are scarce, the data

presented below reveals similaritieswith European countries that apply increasingly strict

policies towardsmarriagemigration.The resultof thisprotectingofborders increases the

emphasis on romantic love as the onlymorally correctmotivation formarriagemigration

(Eggebø2013;Lavanchy2014;Fernandez2013;Cole2014).InAustralia,thevisaapplication

33On20December2017,theDIBPmergedwithotherDepartmentsunderthenewname‘DepartmentofHomeAffairs’.OtherfederalresponsibilitiescomingundertheHomeAffairsportfolioareAustralia’slawenforcement,national and transport security, criminal intelligence, emergency management and multicultural affairs.Throughoutthisthesis,however,IwillkeepreferringtotheDIBP,asthebulkofthisthesiswaswrittenpriortothis name change. The DIBP, prior to the organisational and name change, created the booklet ‘PartnerMigration’tohelpapplicantsunderstandthevisaprocedures.SincetheDIBPwasintegratedintoHomeAffairs,thebookletisnolongeravailableonline.SimilarinformationcanbefoundontheDepartmentofHomeaffairswebsite.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

58

procedureisframedwithinadiscourseofromanticlove,andcouplesarerequiredtoprove

theirgenuinecareandloveforeachother.Thischapterdemonstratesthatthedesireofthe

AustralianGovernmenttocontrolanddecidewhichrelationshipsaregenuine,andthuswho

belongs in Australia, generates different reactions from couples. Through myriad

bureaucraticprocess,thehighlyromanticperiodisreplacedbyaperiodofstrategicfilling-in

of the application along with experiences of separation, uncertainty and anxiety.

Simultaneously, a tendency becomes noticeable wherein couples start to overemphasise

romantic love because they assume that it is the only way for the couple to show the

genuineness of their relationship and thus for the foreign spouse to obtain a visa for

Australia.Throughthisprocess,thenotionofromanticlovelosessomeofitsmeaningasitis

made a tool for use in the visa application. This, in turn, may be detrimental for their

romantic experience and forms a serious obstacle for their imagined futures together. In

sum, thischapter illustrateshow ‘genuineness’becomesvitally important in theprocesses

through which cross-border couples apply for Partner visas. It will show how the visa

application procedure’s cultural insensitivity, and its sometimes racist and sexist tone,

influences the shape of relationships, and couples’ experiences of their romantic

togetherness.

Toadvancethesearguments,IbeginwithexcerptsfromaninformalconversationIhad

withanemployeeof theDIBP.Thisexchange illustrateshowcouples’encounterswiththe

stateare,asMaiteMaskensputsit,‘saturatedwithassumptionsaboutintimacy’(2015:46).

AswasalsothecaseforthisDIBPemployee,whohadtoldmeabouttrustinghis‘gutfeeling’,

Maskens (2015) emphasises how state agents use their intuition and feelings to establish

whetherornotarelationshipisgenuineandbydoingso,ifcouplesareeligibleforresidency.

Icontinuethechapterbyconceptualisingthegenuinenessofrelationshipsinthecontextof

marriage migration. The next section outlines the Australian application process in more

detail.Finally,Iturntothewaysinwhichvisaproceduresinfluencedthelivedexperiencesof

cross-bordercouples.Theselastsectionscoverhowcouplesdealtwithpracticalvisaissues

including waiting periods, geographical distance and high visa costs; how couples

experienced demonstrating their mutual love and ‘genuine relationship’; and lastly, the

characterofinterviewswithimmigrationofficersandtheinfluencethesehadoncouples.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

59

Thatgutfeeling

One Saturday morning, at the very end of my fieldwork, I awoke excited about a final

interview.Thatday,IwasfinallygoingtomeetanemployeeoftheDIBP. Serendipitously,the

meeting came about at the suggestion ofmy supervisor,who knew theDIBP officer as a

neighbourandfriendandhelpedtoarrangethemeeting.Thisopportunity feltparticularly

fortuitousformeas Ihadexperiencednumerousfailedattemptsto interviewgovernment

officers. IhadcalledtheDIBPvarioustimes,buteachtimetheiranswerhadbeenthatmy

requests concerned personal information about Australian citizens and residents and that

thereforetheywereunabletobeforthcoming.Asaresult,Ihadlostallhopeofgettingany

information from the perspective of the Australian Government about how they make

decisionsabouttheauthenticityofintimaterelationships.Despitemyexcitement,Iwasalso

nervous because after speaking to many couples and ex-partners about their experience

withtheirvisaapplications,IhadcometounderstandtheDIBPassomethingofasourceof

evil; after all, this was an institution, which many of my interlocutors said had been

obstructivetotheirhappyrelationships.

To provide evidence of a genuine relationship was described as a long and elaborate

process by cross-border couples I interviewed for this study. To obtain a Partner visa,

couplesareforinstancerequiredtohaveknowneachotherforanextensiveperiodoftime,

andmustknowspecificdetailsaboutoneanother.Couplesshouldalsohavejointfinancial

responsibilities,pointingtothenotionofequalitybetweenpartners.Whileallcoupleshadto

elaborateonsuchmattersinwrittenform,somecoupleswerealsoinvitedforaninterview

with amigrationofficer. The two-yearperiod couplesneeded to stay togetherbefore the

foreign spouseobtainedpermanent residencywasexperiencedasa ‘testingperiod’.After

having spentmanyweekswith individualswhowere clearly not happy nor in agreement

withsuchpolicies,IwasbothcuriousandabitscepticalabouthowmyDIBPinterviewee—

whoIwillcallSteven—wouldexplaintheDepartment’sstanceonsuchmatters.

Meetingagovernmentofficialwasnewtome.IalsodidnotknowtheextenttowhichI

could ‘interview’ Steven because, up until that point, my interactions with the DIBP had

beenshortanduninviting.Luckilyforme,Steventurnedouttobeafriendlyandinteresting

man.Hehad justcomefromayogasessionoppositethecaféwherewemet foracoffee,

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

60

andhetalkedabouthowthisnewlytakenuphobbyupliftedhisspiritimmensely.Ourshared

passionforyogaandahealthywork/lifebalance,aswellasSteven’sinterestinmycultural

backgroundand studiesmademe feel comfortable, and I looked forward to spending the

cominghourlisteningtohisexperiences.

Priortohiscurrentrole,Stevenhadbeenresponsibleforassessingvisaapplicationsand

conducting interviews with marriage migrants and their sponsors to establish the

genuinenessoftheirrelationships.Stevenexplainedthathehadenjoyedhistimeassessing

Partnervisaapplicationsgreatly. In fact,hestatedthat thispast rolemighthavebeenthe

highlight of his career because he liked knowing that he helped truly in-love couples be

together.Heparticularlyhadenjoyedhearingthelovestoriesthathisinterviewees,thevisa

applicants,sharedwithhim.Stevenevenclaimedthat,afterawhileinthisrole,itwasoften

within an instant, right when the couples walked through the door, that he could see

whetherornot couplesweregenuineabout their relationship.Hewouldpayattention to

thewaycouplesinteractedwitheachotherpriortotheinterview,andduringtheinterview,

aswellashowthepartnerswouldtalkabouteachother.Whilecouplessometimeswould

prepare for the interview, Steven thought that this should not be necessary for genuine

couples.Heexplainedthatwithgenuinerelationships, ‘Couplesknowabouttheireveryday

lives, what worries the other person, what makes them insecure’. Knowing such daily

intimatedetailsabouttheother,Stevenfelt,wasevidencethatcoupleshadinvestedineach

otherandweregenuine.‘Ifpeopledonotknowsuchthingsabouteachother,youcansee

theydonotcareabouteachother.Ifcouplesdonotsharetheirdailylivestogether,Icansay

itisnotagenuinerelationship.’34

AnotherfocuspointtofindoutaboutthegenuinenessofcouplesforStevenwastopay

attention to nervous behaviour. If couples acted nervously, that would be a good sign:

‘Couplesthataresincereareoftenveryworried,becausetheyrealisetheirwholelivesareat

stake’.Hethoughtthatnotbeingnervouswouldmeanthattheinterviewwastoorehearsed.

OtherthingsthatStevenpaidattentiontowereagedifference,andhowlongcouplesknew

oneanother.Itwouldbeaconcernifpeoplemetduringatwo-weekholidayandabitlater

34Thequotesarerecordedfromnotesandisacloseparaphrasingoftheoriginalstatements.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

61

appliedforavisa,hethought.Stevenexplainedthatitwouldbeeasyforcouplestofillinthe

form,toattachsomepicturesfromaholidayand‘tickalltheboxes’.Hesaidthatduringan

interviewitwouldbecomeapparenthowconnectedthecouplereallywas.Stevenreiterated

thatitwasa‘gutfeeling’ofhisthatwouldtell ifcouplesweregenuinelywantingtospend

theirlivestogether.Accordingtohim,officersshouldreallybeawareofthatgutfeelingand

iftheysensethatacoupleisinsincere,theyshouldinvestigatehowtheycouldprovethat.

Onalmostallcharacteristicsofwhatagenuinerelationshipisconstituted,Iagreedwith

Steven.AsanethnicDutch,middle-classyoungwoman,Iexpectedoratleasthopedformy

ownrelationshiptobebasedongoodcommunicationanddeepknowledgeabouttheother

person.Andduringmy fieldworkperiod, I toohad subconsciouslyusedmygut feeling, as

wellasmyownideasaboutwhatconstitutesagoodrelationship,toassesscouples’motives

forbeing inan intimate relationship. Itwasnot that Ineededorwanted todo that, I just

automatically did it. Therefore, everything that Steven said made sense to me. I also

understoodthat ifanemployeeattheDIBPisaskedtoassesscouples’genuineintentions,

thisbecomesasubjectivematter.ButasfriendlyandempatheticasStevenappearedtobe,I

couldnothelpbut thinkabout thestoriesmy interlocutorshad toldmeabout theiroften

hostile and distrusting encounters with DIBP employees. Whereas for Steven assessing

couples’genuinenessmayhave lefthimwithfondmemories, formy interlocutorsthevisa

applicationprocesshadleftthemwithfeelingsofdiscomfortandemotionalupset.

Genuinerelationshipsandthe(Australian)border

Defining‘genuineness’

Despite stricter border control, or perhaps because of it, marriage migration to Anglo-

Europeancountriesisontheriseasawaytogaincitizenship(NeveuKringelbach2013:4).As

family reunification remainsoneof the fewways for entry (Kofman2004; Schmidt 2011),

strictpolicieshavebeeninstitutedregardingthistypeofmigration.AsMikkelRytter(2012)

argues,lawshaveturnedthegeographicalbordersintomoralones,bydecidingandguiding

howmarriagesshouldbecontractedandfamiliesorganised.Whilethesepoliciesaremainly

aimed at family reunification of non-autochthone citizens, intercultural couples are also

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

62

requiredtoshowthe‘genuinecharacter’oftheirrelationshipandtheirromanticattachment

toeachother,inordertoavoidshammarriages(forexample,seeNeveuKringelbach2013).

Elizabeth Povinelli (2002, 2006) describes the connections between modernity,

emotional intimacy,marriage and theWestern nation state. She asserts that rather than

kinship or rank, it is membership or citizenship that makes one belong, and worthy and

qualified people base family formations on intimate romantic love. She links such

connectionstotheEnlightenmentproject’sliberalhumanistclaimsofdemocracy,capitalism

andindividualism.Likewise,Cole(2009)connectstheideasofromanticlove,Christianideals

ofloveandtheChristianconceptoftheautonomoussubject.Accordingtotheauthor,‘The

subjectwhocangeneralizehisorherattachmentsandusethemforthecommongoodadds,

asispresupposed,tothepoliticalcontractinliberalstates’(citedbyFernandez2013:273).

Inthisway, intimate lovebecomes‘thefoundationnotmerelyoftruefamilies,butalsoof

truenations;therefore,denyingthefoundationalroleofhumanloveinfamilyformationis

seenasathreattothenation’(ibid.).

The romantic, companionate and love-basedmarriagehasbecomea symbolofAnglo-

European countries (Padilla et al. 2007). Love, intimacy andmarriage areways to express

oneself as an autonomous person, rather than having relationships related to tradition,

reproductionorkinship(Padillaetal.2007).MaiandKingarguealongsimilar linesasthey

statethat‘thecurrentlyhegemonicnotionsofromanticloveamong“equal”individualsare

consistent with a highly individualized and neoliberal model of society, celebrating the

expression of individual autonomy, gender equality and emotional fulfillment as key and

fixedcriteriaofNorthcentric“civility”’(2009:300).Asaresult,marriagesthatarenotbased

onromanticidealsandpurelovedonotmatchwiththeAnglo-Europeanideal;theyarethus

seen as immoral, and undermining and threatening to the principles of the nation (for

example,seeRytter2012).

Anglo-Europeancountriesusethenotionofromantic lovetofurtheralreadyrestrictive

migrationpolicies inordertoidentifythosewhobelong,andthosewhodonot.AsNadine

Fernandez (2013) mentions in her article on Danes marrying Cubans, it seems that the

government finds that ‘real’Danes canmarry for love, but that immigrant-Danemarriage

practicesarecalled intoquestionregarding theirpurity.Suchmarriageswouldpossiblybe

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

63

forcedorarranged,anddonotalignwithmodernindividualself-determination.Moreover,

in several European countriesmarriagesof convenienceareprohibited, andmarriages for

personalinterest,suchastoobtainmoneyoravisaareseenasinhumaneandwrong.The

fearofshammarriages,asdescribedbyCole(2014),NeveuKringelbach(2013)andLavanchy

(2014) makes governments especially wary when a native citizen marries a non-Anglo-

Europeanpersonfromapoornon-Anglo-Europeancountry.Inorder‘toprotect’their(often

female) citizens from sham marriages, governments ask the couples for proof of their

commitmenttoeachother.Asaresult,spousemigrationturns intoa lengthybureaucratic

struggle through which binational couples have to prove the genuineness of their

relationship.Requestsforfamilyreunificationcanbedeniedbyimmigrationservicesif it is

suspectedthatamarriageisnotcontractedforlove,butforavisa(Fernandez2013;Neveu

Kringelbach2013;Maskens2015;Bonjour&deHart2013).

Tosumup,‘genuineness’canbedefinedbydescribingwhatrelationshipsshouldentail.

Genuine relationships are based on pure love, romantic ideals, morality, intimacy, care

amongequalpartners(intermsofgenderandsexuality),companionship,andcommonalities

(such as age and ethnicity, but also shared interests) among partners. Partners enter

genuinerelationshipsasfreeindividualsandwithself-determination,andtheyare‘modern’

andgoodcitizens.Theoppositeofsuchgenuinerelationshipsareunionsthatarenotfreely

chosensuchasmarriagesofconvenience,forcedmarriages,ormarriagesforvisaormoney.

Such sham relationships are immoral, impure, and can sometimes be seen as ‘traditional’

andbasedon‘collectivist’principles.Marriagesthatareforreasonsotherthangenuinelove

canbecharacterizedbystructuralinequalitiesamongpartners,suchasreligious,ethnic,age

and class difference (Neveu Kringelbach 2013; Fernandez 2013; Maskens 2015; Lavanchy

2014;Bonjour&deHart2013;Eggebø2013).

Thatsaid,andasbothHelgaEggebø(2013)andFernandez(2013)pointout,itisdifficult

to operationalise love. The concept of love has numerous meanings. Structural factors—

especiallywhenaspousecomesfromapoorercountry—influenceandblurtheassessment

oftheveracityoflove.Thedivisionbetweenmoneyandlove,seenasintrinsictoromantic

loveandthecompanionatemarriage,isquestionable,ifnotunrealistic.AsFernandez(2013:

282)argues, ‘love isembedded inabroader-politicaleconomiccontextanddoesnotexist

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

64

above thematerialworld’ (see alsoWardlowandHirsch 2006; Padilla et al. 2007). In the

remainderofthechapter,Iillustratehowforinterlocutorsofthisstudy,thevisaapplication

processanditsfocuson‘genuineness’transformedlovefrombeingpredominantlyromantic

to something enmeshedwith, and in, structures andprocedures. In order todo so, I first

outlinetheAustralianPartnervisaapplicationprocess.

ApplyingforaPartnervisainAustralia

Acquiring aPartner visa is not easy. It is a timely and costly affair and thenumerous visa

categories and requirements canbe confusing.WhenoutsideAustralia, couples canapply

for a temporary visa for the foreign spouse that is called ‘Subclass 300 – Prospective

Marriage’.Withthisvisa foreignspousescantravel toAustraliaandmarrytheirAustralian

partner.Thisvisaisvalidforninemonthsandsomarriagesshouldbecontractedwithinthis

timeframe.Then,couplescanapplyforatemporaryvisafortheforeignspouse,calledthe

‘Subclass 820 – Partner’, which grants temporary residence to the foreign spouse. If the

coupleisstilltogetheraftertwoyearsfromtheapplication,theforeignpartnercanobtaina

visacalled‘Subclass801–Partner’,grantingpermanentresidency.Alternatively,couplescan

applyforaprovisionalvisathatiscalled‘Subclass309–Partner’.Couplesareeligibleforthis

visawhenlegallymarried,priortomigrationwhentheyintendtolegallymarryinthenear

future, or,when in a de facto relationship for at least twelvemonths. Subsequently, two

years after applying for this temporary visa, couples can apply for visa ‘Subclass 100 –

Partner’, which grants permanent residency. From within Australia, foreign spouses can

apply for visa 820when legallymarried to anAustralian partner or Australian permanent

resident,orwheninadefactorelationshipforatleast12subsequentmonths,andaftertwo

yearsapplyforvisa801.Thistwo-stageprocesswasintroducedin1996topreventforeign

spouses from marrying an Australian resident purely for visa purposes (Department of

ImmigrantandMulticulturalAffairs1998,citedbyKhoo2001:112).

There aremany eligibility requirementswhen applying for a visa, although thesemay

varydependingonthetargetedvisa(Subclasses300,309and820).35Asponsormust:bean

Australiancitizen,Australianresident,oraneligibleNewZealandcitizen;beaged18yearsor

35ThislatterpartofthesectionisbasedoninformationfoundintheDIBPbooklet‘PartnerMigration’(2017).

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

65

over; be in a relationship with the partner; and have no other partner. Limitations on

sponsorshipincludehavingpreviouslysponsoredapartnerorbeensponsoredasapartner.36

Sponsors are required to undergo a police check, and when a relationship breaks down,

must immediately notify the DIBP and withdraw from sponsorship. The migrant partner

mustalsoundergoapolicecheck,andfurthermoremeethealthrequirementstobeeligible

toobtainaPartner visa.Amedical examination, chest x-rayand sometimes specialist and

laboratorytestsarerequired.

Partnersmustprovideevidencethattheirrelationshipisgenuine.Statutorydeclarations

mustbewrittenbybothpartners,aswellasbyAustraliancitizensorpermanentresidents

over18years-of-agewhoknowthecouple.Suchdeclarationsshouldsupporttheexistence

ofthecouple’srelationship.Partnersmustalsoprovideindividualstatementsregarding:the

history of their relationship, including how, when and where they first met; how the

relationshipdeveloped;whentheydecidedtomarryorcommenceadefactorelationship;

their domestic arrangements; any periods of separation, plus the reasons and length of

separation;andfutureplans.

Furthermore, ‘Evidence of the relationship’must be provided by both partners. As all

relationships are different, the DIBP booklet ‘PartnerMigration’ states, it is better to be

comprehensive and to provide as much evidence as possible to support the case. Four

categoriesshouldbeelaboratedupon.First,financialaspectsmustbecovered.Thisprovides

evidence that the couple shares financial responsibilities and commitments, such as

evidenceof jointownershipof realestateorothermajorassets (vehiclesandappliances),

joint liabilities (loansand insurance),andsharedhouseholdbills,orsharedbankaccounts.

Second, the couple is asked to provide evidence of shared responsibilities within the

household. This includes living arrangements, a statement outlining the basis on which

36 Since 1996, a limit has been placed on the number of spouses one can sponsor, following an increase inproblemsrelatedto‘serialsponsorship’(seeforinstanceIredale1994).ThePartnerMigrationbookletexplainsthatsponsorshipisnotpossibleifonehassponsoredanotherspousewithinthelastfiveyears;beenaforeignspouse him/herself in the last five years; or if one has previously sponsored two ormore foreign spouses.Compellingcircumstancessuchasthefollowingmayallowforwaiverprovision:thedeathofapreviousspouse;the relationship and/or children to be neglected by the previous spouse; a long-term relationship with thecurrentspouse;andchildrenwiththecurrentspouse.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

66

responsibilityforthehouseworkisdistributed,detailsof jointutilitiesaccounts(gas,water

andelectricity),orcorrespondenceaddressedtobothpartnersatthesameaddress.

Third, the social aspectof the relationship is considered.This includesevidenceof the

couplebeinggenerallyacceptedsocially throughsuch thingsas joint invitations toevents,

going out together, having mutual friends and acquaintances, and evidence of the

relationship that the couple has provided to government bodies, commercial/public

institutionsorauthorities.Finally,evidenceconfirmingamutualcommitmentbetweenthe

partnersisrequested.Thiscouldincludesuchthingsasknowledgeofeachother’spersonal

circumstances such as background and family situation, evident intentions that the

relationshipwillbelong-term(forexamplethroughrelevantcorrespondence),anditemised

phone accounts to show that contact was maintained during any period of separation.

Couples may be asked to attend interviews with migration officers regarding their

relationship’s character, ifmore information is required. Further interviewsare conducted

overthephoneorinperson.

In 2016, the application prices varied per visa category, starting from6,865AUD, and

increasing when additional applicants, such as children, are included in the application.37

Priceshavebeensteadilygoingupovertheyears,withthesteepestincreaseof50percent

announced in December 2014 (DIBP, n.d., c). The average processing times have also

increased, with only estimated processing times for visas given. The DIBP differentiates

between‘lowrisk’and‘highrisk’passports.AllAfricanpassportholdersfallunderthe‘high

risk’ category, making the visa processing times longer. As such, for most of the

interlocutors, processing timeswereestimated tobebetweeneight and12months (DIBP

n.d.,b).

37Bytheendof2016,theadditionalapplicantchargeforpersonsaged18yearsormorewas3,535AUDandforanadditionalapplicantunder18yearsthecostwas1,720AUD.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

67

Couples’experienceswiththevisaapplicationprocess

Dealingwithregulations,timeandmoney

Application experiences varied as couples applied both from within Australia as well as

offshore. Some couples and partners had applied years—sometimes decades—ago, while

othercouplesandpartnersappliedwithinthelasttwoyearsorwerestill intheprocessof

applying. It became clear that the longer ago the application had been made, the less

complex it was to apply for a visa. This corresponds with a global trend towards stricter

bordercontrolandstrictermarriagemigrationpolicies,asdescribedbyNeveuKringelbach

(2013)andMartinJørgensen(2012)amongstothers.38Asexplainedearlier,twogroupsare

especially distrusted: those practising arranged marriages and couples that are being

consideredas toodifferent fromeachother (specifically in termsofbackgroundandage).

Marriagemaybeusedbyinsincereotherswhowoulduseinnocentcitizenstocrossnational

borders(NeveuKringelbach2013).

Someofmyinterlocutors,whohadexperiencedthevisaapplicationprocessmanyyears

back,agreedthatitwasnotthatstrictthen;theyalsomentionedthatimmigrationofficers

hadhardlyeveraskeddifficultquestions.Iwasoftentoldthatifoneobtainedastudentvisa,

itwaseasyto‘justmarryanAustraliantogainresidency’.Lucia,forinstance,explainedhow

aboutthirtyyearsago,shemarriedafriendofherswhowantedtostay inAustralia.Lucia

wasoneofmyolderinterlocutors,andIvisitedhereverynowandthenatherhomeinan

Adelaidesuburbforacoffeeorforlunch.Duetohealthissues,itwashardforLuciatoleave

thehouse, and so shewas alwayshappy tohave visitors.When I askedherwhy shehad

agreed tomarry her friend, she explained that since they got alongwell, she figured she

mightaswellmarryhim. Inretrospectsheexplainedthat itwas ‘avisathing’andshewas

‘justhelpinghimout’,astheyseparatedsoonafterhegainedresidency.

38Yet,Charsley (2012)andWray (2012) remindus that therealwayshavebeengroupsofmarriagemigrantswhohaddifficultiescrossingthebordersofAnglo-Europeancountries(forinstanceJapanesewivesmarriedtoAmericanmenduringandafterWorldWarII).Anysuchrestrictionsarebasedinpartonprocessesinfluencedbygender,race,classandsexuality(Eggebø2013:774).

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

68

However,many foreignstudentswhocameonscholarshipsprovidedby theAustralian

Governmentwere required to go back home after graduation,with aminimumperiod of

twoyearsbefore they could re-enterAustralia. Thispolicy,myolderparticipants toldme,

brokeupmanyAfrican-Australianrelationships.AmongtheexceptionswereRobertandJo

who have beenmarried for over thirty years. I met Jo at an event formigrant women’s

empowermentwhere shewasaguestofhonour. I soon learned that shewas thewifeof

Robert, who was a prominent member of a large and influential African community

organisation in Adelaide. She agreed to an interview and invited me over for lunch the

following week. On the agreed day, I was about to catch the bus up to their home on

anothersideofAdelaidefromwhereIlived,whenIgotaphonecallfromRobert.Heasked

meifIwouldbeabletofindtheirplace.WhenIgotoutofthebus,hewastheretopickme

upandwalkmetotheirhome.Onceinside,IfoundJosittingatthetable,inalargekitchen

fullofornamentsandfamilyphotoshangingonthewalls.WhileRobertwasmakingustea,

shegotupandintroducedmetoalltherelatives inthephotos.Over lunch,RobertandJo

toldmethatRobertwasaninternationalstudentwhenhemetJo.Theyhadmetinashop

whereshewasworkingandtheystarteddating.Eventually,theybecamepregnantandgot

married.Yet,eventhoughJowasexpectingtheirbaby,Roberthadtoreturnhomefortwo

yearsafterhisstudiesbeforehewasreunitedwithhisfamilyinAustralia.Thecouplestayed

intouchthroughletters,andaone-timevisitfromJoandtheirchildtoherhusband’shome

country. As soon as possible, Robertmovedback toAustralia. Back then, after those two

years,itwasjustamatterofapplyingandonewouldgetthevisa,accordingtobothRobert

andJo.

Nowadays,couplesspendthousandsofdollarsonthevisaapplicationandinthecaseof

offshoreapplications,thousandsmoreonmaintainingintimatecontactthroughvisits,phone

calls and gifts. One couple who had recently received the good news that their visa

applicationwas approvedwereNaomi, a careworker inhermid-thirties, andherhusband

Otto.ImetNaomiforthefirsttimeathersisterSarah’shome,whichsherentedinasuburb

aboutanhourawayfromAdelaide’scitycentre.Naomi,andherdaughterfromaprevious

relationship,had come tomeetme forafternoon tea.Naomidirectedherdaughter togo

andplaybyherself,soshecouldtalktomeaboutherexperienceswithhervisaapplication.

Asshewasroundingupatextconversationonhersmartphonewithherhusbandwhowas

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

69

stillinAfricaandhadjustwokenup,Naomiexplainedthattheyhadappliedforthevisaright

beforethefeeshadbeenincreased.Forthem,in2014,thefeehadbeen3.000AUD.Naomi

continued by naming all the costs of her relationship. Since the visa application, she had

visitedhimtwiceinhishomecountry,whichsheestimatedcostherover6,000AUDintotal.

And there, even though she considered it a ‘cheap country’, they still spent money on

travelling around and staying in hotels. And, she added, the first time shewas there the

couplemarried,whichalsocosther‘lotsofmoney’.Then,shecontinued,‘Myhusbandhad

togotoPretoria[SouthAfrica]fortheinterviewwithamigrationofficer,andforhishealth

checksandall’.Tohelpstayinintimatecontact,thecouplecalledandtextedeachotheras

oftenaspossible,generallyacoupleoftimesperday‘justtowisheachotheragoodnight,

oragoodmorning,youknow’.

Naomi sighed and shook her head, when thinking about how much money the

relationshiphadcosther.‘Tobehonest,IhavenocluehowmuchIspentonourrelationship

likethis,andtobehonest,IdonotknowifIwanttoknow’.Naomiestimatedthatthetotal

sumshespentwasover15,000AUD.Butshethenaddedthatshehadnotincludedthebill

shewould get fromher lawyerwhoguidedher through the visa applicationprocess. Like

Naomi,allcouplesandex-partnersfelttheapplicationfeewasabsurdlyexpensive,andnone

ofthemreallyunderstoodwhyithadtobethatexpensive,astheservicedeterioratedand

the waiting time lengthened as the fees increased. Interlocutors argued that the

Governmentchargedthese fees, ‘justbecausetheycan’and ‘toavoid fakemarriages’and

because‘coupleswantingtobetogetherwillpayanyway’.

Another issueforcoupleswasthatthetimetakenbytheDIBPcouldnotbeaccurately

predicted. While the DIBP indicated that the average waiting period for an offshore

applicationisapproximately12months,itsometimestakesmuchlonger.Forinstance,one

couplehad towait for 28months toobtain their Partner visa. In this case, theAustralian

spousehadsponsoredaforeignhusbandfromthesamecountryinthepast,whichmayhave

resultedinincreasedscrutinyfromtheDIBP.Anothercouple,however,‘only’hadtowait12

months for their visa to arrive, even though both had been married previously (but to

partnersfromtheirownculturalbackground).LucasandSophie,whohadjusthadtheirvisa

approvedby the timeofwriting (andaftermy fieldworkperiodwascompleted),hadonly

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

70

waitedtenmonthstogettheirvisaapproved,eventhoughSophiehadsponsoredahusband

previously,whichcouldpossiblyhavebeena‘redflag’fortheDIBP.

Men andwomen reacted differently to Australian visa policies.Womenwould openly

complainaboutvisacostsandprocessingtimes,andalmostallwomenadmittedthatthey

calledthedepartmenttimeandagaintoaskaboutthestatusoftheirapplication.Butwhile

women were frustrated with the waiting periods, men, except for one, made comments

such as ‘one needs to be patient’ and ‘it will come’. It became clear that the men, as

newcomers to Australia, did not feel they had a right to complain about Australian

procedures. The first time ImetPaul,heprovidedmewitha summarisedoverviewofhis

marriagemigrationjourney,nowfiveyearsago.Whilesittingonasunnyterraceofatrendy

Adelaidebarforanafternoondrink,Paulexplainedhisfeelingsabouttheapplicationprocess

inamatteroffactway.Hestatedthatindeedithadbeenexpensive,anditalsotookalong

time toget thevisa, ‘especially since theyhad forgottenaboutus’.But,hewonderedout

loud: ‘whatcould Ido?’.Paul felt that theyhadapplied, followedtheprocedure,andnow

could‘onlypray’thatAustraliawould‘accept’himasaresident.

Whilewomenhadtheir frustrationswithAustralianregulations,menwereannoyedby

corruptionandotherdifficultiesintheirhomecountries.Accordingtoall18menwithwhom

Ispoke,itwasnoteasytocollectdocumentssuchasbirthcertificatesandpolicechecksin

African countries. All of them laughedwhen thinking back about collecting all the official

statements,asnoneofthemwereabletogetthemthe‘right’way;whilemostofthemdid

try the formalway first, in the end they all had to bribe someone to get their forms and

information.Peter,whohadbeeninAdelaideforfouryearsnowandwhowasparticularly

outspokenandscepticalaboutvisa-relatedpoliciesexplainedthathedidnoteventrytoget

hisdocumentsintheofficialway.Hefeltthatitwouldonlytakemoretimeanditwouldall

beinvaineventually.‘No’,hecontinued,‘IjustcalledsomeoneIknewintherightposition,

paid some ‘chai’ (meaning bribe in his native language), and the sameweek I got all the

documentssigned’.39

39Migrationagents also criticized theDIBP forbeing too static and inflexible innot taking intoaccount thatdifferentcountriesmaynotbeasfunctionalandhighlyregulatedasAustralia.TheyemphasisedthattheDIBPshouldconsiderindividualcasesandbemoreaccommodatingasdocumentsthatareeasytoobtaininAustralia

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

71

Moreover, sometimes it was very hard for applicants to adhere to application

requirements.Naomi’spartnerOtto,forinstance,experiencedmanydifficultieswhentrying

toobtainhispoliceclearance.OttohadlivedinanAsiancountry(wherehemetNaomi),and

soheneededaclearancefromthatparticularcountry,eventhoughhewasapplyingforthe

visa fromhis birth country. Itwasdifficult to request a clearance from thisAsian country

sinceinthemeantimehehadmovedbacktohishomecountryduetothevisaapplication

requirements.Unfortunately,itturnedoutthatsincehehadbeenundocumentedinAsia,he

was not in a position to obtain a police clearance from there. This put his application in

seriousjeopardyasitprovidedareasonfortheDIBPtodenyhimhisvisa.Eventually,Naomi

andherlawyermanagedtohavethisrequirementwaivedbytheDIBP.

Butformostmen,apartfromthefinancialcosts,thebiggesthurdlewasthecostintime

ofhavingtodealwithhealthchecksandinterviews.AsAustralianembassiesandconsulates

aresparseinAfrica,muchtravellingwasinvolved.Whileforsomementhismeanttravelling

tothecapitalcityof theirhomecountry—whichwouldtakethemfroma fewhoursupto

more than a day—others had to travel abroad to undergo health checks or to be

interviewed.Patrick,forinstance,hadspentfourdaysonhishealthcheck,andithadbeena

struggle to get leave fromwork. Somemen fromWest African countries had to travel to

Pretoria, South Africa, to have an interview with an Australian Government official.

Moreover,accordingtoamigrationagent,the2013–16Ebolacrisis inWestAfricadelayed

manyvisaapplicationsfromtheregion,aspeoplewerenotabletoobtainvisasfromSouth

AfricatotraveloutoftheirhomecountriestoattendtheirscheduledinterviewsinPretoria.

FromAustralia’sperspective,theagentargued,theseindividualsthenwouldappeartonot

beinterestedintheirplannedmigration,whichwouldinfluencevisadecisions.

YetwhenIaskedmenhowtheyexperiencedtheapplicationprocess,menallresponded

inacalmway.Generally,menrepliedthatitwas‘allfine’,thattheywere‘notworriedatall’,

andthat‘everythingwentsmooth’.40Noneofthemenseemedscaredorworriedthattheir

may be (almost) impossible to get in African countries, due to the high levels of corruption in governmentoffices.

40Thatmenexpressed theyhadnotbeenworriedoranxiousabout thevisaapplicationoutcomemaypartlyhavetodowiththemnotwantingtopubliclyexpressfear,especiallytoawhite,youngfemaleinterviewer.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

72

visawouldnotcomethrough,oratleastnoneofthemexpressedbeingworriedaboutthis.

Allmen felt that since theywere genuine about their relationship and had ‘ticked all the

boxes’ required forobtainingavisa, theywereconfidentabout the results.Mendid state

theyhadbeenexcited,impatientandabitnervousabouttheirfutureandtheirnewlifeas

husbandsinAustralia.Oneday,IwentovertoseeSophieforamorningcoffeeandchat.Not

only did I find her sitting at the kitchen table, but to my pleasant surprise, also an

exceptionallyexcitedLucas,whonormallyhadagentleandquietdemeanour.Afewweeks

back, Lucas and Sophiehad received thehappynews that their visa applicationhadbeen

approved,andsoassoonashecould,LucashadflownbacktoAdelaidetobewithhiswife.

ThiswasgoodtimingformetobeabletoaskLucastoreflectonhisexperienceswiththe

application process. Lucas explained that ‘those days I had to wait to be reunited with

Sophieweretheslowestdaysofmylife’.Hefeltthatitwas‘takingforever’.Buteventhough

hemissedher,healsosaidthathehadfeltgood,becauseheknew‘onedaywewouldbe

united’.Hehadnotfeltnervous,or‘maybeonlyalittle’,becausehe‘justknewitwouldall

beallrightoneday’.

From my conversations with migrant men and their sponsoring partners, frustration

aboutthevisaapplication’slengthyandcostlyprocedureturnedouttobekey.Theysawthe

procedureasharassmenttocouplesthatcouldnotwaittobereunited.Partnersarguedthat

since they were set on living together in Australia, they would make sure to meet any

requirementnecessary,waitaslongasneeded,andpaywhateversumneededforthevisa

to come through. Particularly the Australian spouses felt their government was

unsupportive, actually showing distrust, instead of support. They figured that visa

requirements,processing timesorcostswouldnot stop romantic couplesanywayand felt

thatthereforeitwasunfairoftheDIBPtochargesuchhighcostswhilstnotprovidingthem

withappropriateservices.

Australia’sstrictpoliciesarenotexceptionalandcanevenbeseenasrelativelyflexiblein

theirdeterminationofgenuinerelationships,comparedtoothercountries.InDenmark,for

instance,Jørgensen(2012)explains,astrictagecriterionapplies.Forspousestobeeligible

foravisa,theymustatleastbe24yearsofage.Thiscriterionisbackedupbytheargument

that Danish people culturally would not marry younger than this age. Amongst others,

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

73

Denmarkalsoexcludescitizenswhohavereceivedsocialbenefitswithinthelastthreeyears

fromsponsoringaspouse,andcouplesarerequiredtohavea‘greatermutualattachmentto

Denmark than to any other country (in terms of education, relatives, social networks,

employmentandlanguage)’(Jørgensen2012:61).IntheNetherlands,sponsorsofaforeign

spousearerequiredtohaveapermanentjobandtoearnabovethecountry’saveragewage

(Dragojlovic2008).Lastly,inFrance,itcantakeuptotenyearsandmultipletemporaryvisas

before foreignspousesaregranted residencyorcitizenship (NeveuKringelbach2013).But

while such policies are certainly stricter than Australia’s visa conditions, the latter’s visa

applicationproceduresarestilldifficultforcouples.

Fortheromanticpartnerstakingpartinthisstudy,intimaterelationshipswereimagined

tobe the key to livinga good life.While coupleswere looking forward tobeginning their

newandhappy lives together inAustralia, suchdreamsandprospectswerechallengedby

the lengthyandcostlyvisaapplicationprocess.Thisprocedurenotonlycaused frustration

amongpartners, itoftenalsocausedsuffering. Inthenextsection, I turntoways inwhich

romantic love was (and needed to be) overemphasised time and again during the visa

application procedure. While couples used a narrative of romantic love strategically to

receivethemuch-desiredvisa,theformalfocusonloveasthebasisofgenuinerelationships

causedmanypartnersgreatanxietyastheyfearedheartbreakingoutcomes.

Accumulatingevidenceandanxiety

According to my interlocutors, the largest part of the application consisted of providing

evidence of the genuineness of the relationship. Practically, this resulted in the obsessive

collecting of evidence, including: letters, emails, postcards, copies of texts andWhatsApp

conversations,phonebills,receiptsfordinnersandhotelstays,andflighttickets.Also,they

wouldbesuretohavejointactivities, lovestatementsandphotosonFacebook.Lillianhad

been particularly thoroughwhen collecting their ‘kilos of proof’. Lillian had invitedme to

comeandtalktoherduringherworkhoursinarestaurant.Shewasverybusy,shealways

emphasised,butatthesametimeshewashappytoshareherstorywithmeasshedeemed

it important to share her experienceswithmarriagemigration.We sat down in the small

courtyard at the back of the restaurant; she had thirty minutes before she had to start

preparing for lunch. Lillian laughed aloud as she thought back to that hectic period of

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

74

gathering information. She remembered how she used to keep ‘every-single-thing’ that

provedtheywere inacloserelationship—‘restaurantreceipts,movietickets,photographs,

letters and emailswe sent eachotherwhen Iwas inAustralia, phonebills…especially the

phone bills added lots of extra centimetres to the pile of proof’. She explained that the

phone bills were particularly important as they showed a record of their daily contact

through telephone conversations and textmessages. Lillian held her hand about ameter

abovethegroundtoillustratehowextensiveher‘collectionofproof’was.Shedidnotfindit

hard toprovide theevidence,as she said, ‘Wewere sincere.Wehadplenty to showhow

muchwewantedtospendtimetogether’.

Eileen,also,remembersthatitwaseasytocollecttheevidence,assheandherpartner

had been together for long enough to gather ample material. Eileen had a part-time

managementjobatauniversityandwasabletomeetmeononeofherdaysoff,andwhile

her children were at school. Over an extensive lunch at a popular café in a Melbourne

suburb,wewentthroughhercompletelovestoryfromthebeginningtothepresent.Their

correspondencebypost,copiesofphonebillsandapileofphotographsiswhattheyhanded

overasevidencetotheDIBP.Furthermore,astheyhadmeteachother’sfamiliesbythen,

theymadesurethatparentsandsiblingswrotethestatutorydeclarationsthatwerepartof

the required evidence. Eileen thought that such interpersonal contact would be the best

proof of ‘a genuine relationship that is acceptedwithin society’. Itwas only last year, 16

years after their application, that Eileen and her husband burned all their proof in the

fireplace: ‘Hehashadhiscitizenship foryearsnow,andso itwasabouttimeto just leave

thatperiodoftimebehind’.Sheexplainedthattheykeptthedocumentationforyears,‘just

inordertobesurebecauseyoujustneverknow,butnowwefeltweneededtogetridof

that pile of unrest’. The stories of both Lillian and Eileen demonstrate that even though

couplesmayhavehadfaithintheircase,astheyfelttheyweresincere,theystillassembled

theirevidencecarefully.

Thatfeelingsofanxietycancomeupwhenprovidingevidenceofagenuinerelationship

becameparticularlycleareachtimeImetCharlotteforacatch-up.AsCharlotteandIoften

meteachotheratsocialevents,andbecausethelibrarywhereIoftenworkedwascloseto

her workplace, it was easy to find out the latest on her visa developments. One day

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

75

CharlotteandImetforlunchduringourbreakinacaféinbetweenherworkplaceandmine.

She had just sent in her visa application to theDIBP theweek before andwas extremely

nervousaboutit.EventhoughCharlottefeltitwasclearthattheyweresincere(‘We[have]

know[n] each other for years and have really no trouble whatsoever to collect the right

materialtoproveourrelationshipisreal’),shewasstill‘verystressed’aboutthevisa.‘What

ifwewillnotgetthevisa?Whatarewegoingtodothen?’,shethoughtoutloud.Tomainly

reassure herself, she explained that they had ‘ticked all the boxes’. Hermother hadmet

Zacharymultiple times, she hadmet his family and theyweremarried. She continued to

explain that theyalsohadmanyphotosof themasa couple, and thatbecausehehasan

income,hedoesnotneedtoworryaboutgettingajobinAdelaide.Also,sheemphasised,he

had been to Adelaide already and had also left in time. Nevertheless, Charlotte felt that

‘they[theDIBP]canjustdecideagainstus.Ifwemadeonemistaketheywilldenyusavisa.I

amsoscaredofthat.’

Itwas interesting tobeable to followCharlotteandZachary’s visaapplicationprocess

closely. Each time they received news from the department, Charlottewould updateme,

partiallytoaskmewhatIthoughtaboutthesituation.ThatCharlottewasthisanxiousabout

the application process indicates the importance of the visa decision for the future

happinessofcouplesandpartners.Theprocesscanbeseenasamajorhurdle forcouples

wanting to live a happy life together. If the visa is not granted, their futures will take

drastically different turns. Charlotte’s nervousness only increased after reading a book

writtenbyanAustralianwomanwhowaitedyearsandhadanumberofdenialsbeforeher

Nigerianhusbandwasfinallygrantedavisa,andthismadeCharlotteveryupset.

Often,sponsoringwomenfeltitwastheirresponsibilitytobeinchargeofcompletingthe

application,apartoftheirroleastheAustralianpartner.Womenexplainedthatsinceitwas

fortheirgovernment,theyhadabetterunderstandingofwhatanswerswereneeded.Also,

theyarguedthattheirwrittenEnglishwouldbebetterthanthatoftheirpartners.Women

spentmanyhoursoncompletingandperfectingtheirresponses.Manyregardeditasapart-

timejob,tocollectalltherelevant informationandfill intheforms.Samantha,marriedto

Thomaswithayoungbabygirl,recallsthemanyhours,nightsandweekendssheworkedon

perfectingtheirapplication,spendingmoretimeonthisthanheractualjobasacareworker.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

76

Ithadtobeperfect,assomuchwasdependingon it.Samanthadidnot like to talkabout

theirapplication,asshefeltitwasa‘ridiculousprocedure’thathadkeptherandherpartner

fromlivingtheirnormallives.Samanthawasalwaysabitsecretiveaboutthefactthatthey

hadappliedforaPartnervisaforherpartner.Sheoftenstartedconversationonthetopicby

stating‘justbetweenyouandme’, indicatingthatIshouldmakesurenottotellanyonein

our overlapping social circle. I felt as if she was ashamed of having to go through the

procedure,morethanfindingitridiculous.

Emma never felt more pressured, responsible and tested than when applying for the

visa, she explainedover a home-cookedmeal for her daughters, husband, a family friend

andme.Sheexplainedhowshethoughtcarefullyaboutwhomtoasktowritethestatutory

declarations,anddecidedtoaskpeoplewithhighlyregardedjobs,soastoput‘moreweight

on the scales’. She alsomade sure to emphasise that her husband would not be of any

burdentothestate,assheandherfamilycouldprovidehimwithaplacetoliveandajob.

She recalls how scared shewas, as shewas pregnant during the application process and

whenawaitingthedecision.Shefearedthatifhewasnotgrantedavisa,shewouldbealone

inAdelaide,withhisbaby.Luckily,herpartnerwasgrantedthevisaandEmmahadtowait

‘only’sixmonthsbeforeherhusbandcouldjoinherinAustralia.

Suchnarratives showhownerve-wracking and anxiety causing applications sometimes

were for couples.41Prior to applying for the visa, couples had focussed on romance and

intimacy.Thevisaapplicationemphasisedtheothersideofwhatitmeanstobeinacross-

borderrelationship,thelegalandformalconsequences.Thevisaapplicationwasa‘wake-up

call’ making couples realise their journeys to togetherness—and consequently to

happiness—were also complicated and procedural, notmerely romantic and self-evident.

Suchstories indicatethatrelationships,eventhoughtheymaybebasedonromantic love,

haveapracticalcharacter,too.Illouz(1998)describestwonarrativesoflove:arealisticanda

romantic perspective, which, according to Eggebø (2013: 783), underscores how

41Due to privacy reasons, the DIBP was not forthcoming with information regarding the success rate ofapplications.AlthoughIdonotknowofanyapplicationsbeingdenied,couplesandpartnersthemselvesmayhaveheardofsuchinstancesthatcouldexplaintheiranxiety.Butmoreover,itseemedthatthepotentialriskofhaving to give up on the dream of living happily ever after in Australia that made couples—in particularwomen—veryanxious.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

77

questionable it is to try tohaveapurely romantic relationship.BothEggebø’s researchas

wellasthenarrativesabovedemonstratethatnotonlyarerelationshipsromantic,theytoo

consistofpracticalitiesandother ‘unromantic’matters thatare simplyapartofdaily life.

Certainly,atthetimeofapplyingforthevisa,thepracticalmayhavesignificantlyexceeded

the romantic side of the relationship. Ironically, having to focus on the genuineness of

relationshipsturnedthemintoratherunromanticentities.

Itseemedthatinfactvisaproceduresinfluencedcourtships,andthatrelationshipswere

adjustedtoevolve inaccordancewithvisaconditions.Thisappliedparticularly intheeight

caseswherecouplesmetinAustraliaand/orappliedonshore,wherethefocusappearedto

benotsomuchonprovidingevidenceofkeepingincontactandvisitingeachotherregularly,

butmoreonlivingadailylifetogetherasvisaconditionsencouraged.Forexample,overthe

courseofmyfieldwork,twocouplesstartedcohabitingearlyon,andwereengagedtomarry

asearlyaspossible.Bydoingso,theyspeededuptheircourtingphaseinordertomaketheir

‘officialtime’togetheraslongaspossible.

Lucas,forinstance,movedinwithSophieonlyafewmonthsafterthetwohadmet,even

though the circumstances were not ideal for this move to happen. Whereas Sophie’s

youngestchildadoredLucas,heradultchildrenquestionedtheirmother’srelationshipwith

Lucas,anddidnotfeellikesharingthehousewithhim.Ittookmanytalkswithinthefamily

tomakethesituationliveable,andforaperiodoftimeLucaslivedelsewhereuntilSophie’s

childrenwerecomfortablewith theirmother’s relationship.WhileLucasandSophie’s love

foreachotherwouldhavebeenafactorinthemwantingtolivetogethersoquickly,itisalso

truethatthecoupleknewthattheirtimecouldberunningout,asvisaextensionsremained

uncertain.Sincethevisarequirementofhavingbeentogetherforover12monthscouldbe

provedbyevidenceofcohabitation, itmayverywellbe thatbothSophieandLucasknew

theyhadnotimetowaste,despiteherchildren’sopinions.Possiblywithoutanypressureof

visa requirements, they might have taken longer to move in together, particularly as

children’sopinionsdidseemveryimportanttobothLucasandSophie.

Furthermore,whenLucaswasanonymously reported forworking inAustraliawhilehe

wasnotpermittedto,andsubsequentlyhadtoleavethecountryassoonaspossible,Lucas

and Sophie quickly arranged tomarry. They decided not to tellmany people about their

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

78

spontaneousmarriage. Sophie toldme thiswhen I cameover toherhouse fora coffee—

somethingIdidatleastonceamonth.Thattime,LucashadjustleftAustraliatogobackto

his home country, as the DIBP requested of him. While we were enjoying some rays of

sunshine inher lushgarden, sheexplainedthat theyhadnot toldmanypeoplebecause it

wouldhavecomeasashocktothem.Shedidnoteventellherparents,nordidshetellher

children.Shefeltthat‘theywerenotreadyforthisstep’,but,‘wewere,andweknewwedid

notwanttowait’.ForSophieandLucastheirmarriageaddedanextralayerofcommitment:

whilst now physically apart, their marriage united them more strongly than distance

separated them. Simultaneously, marriage meant avoiding the requirement of length of

cohabitation for de facto partners. According to visa regulations, if a couple ismarried it

doesnotmatterhowlongtheyhavebeentogether.Defactopartners,though,needtohave

beentogether—meaningcohabiting—forat least12months.SinceSophieandLucasknew

eachotherforlessthanayearwhenhehadtoreturntohishomecountry,marriagewasthe

onlyoptionavailabletothemtobeabletoapplyforavisa.

Sophie and Lucaswere not the only couple that seemingly had to adjust their lives in

accordancetovisaconditions.KatherineandEmmanuelalsohadashortandintenseperiod

of courtship, quickly followed by marriage. This, according to some friends and

acquaintances,onlymadesense,butotherssaw itas remarkable.Thecouplemet inearly

2015whenamutualfriendintroducedthemtoeachother.Bothhadbeensingleyetlooking

forapartnerforawhile.Tootherstheydidnotseemtobeagoodmatch,appearingtohave

nomutual interests at all: Emmanuel was the spiritual hippie typewhile Katherine loved

jewellery, make-up and shopping. They became engaged about five months later and

marriedninemonths after havingmet for the first time. Emmanuelwas inAustralia on a

temporary visa and had to leave the country soon. Through the marriage, however,

Emmanuel and Katherine were able to apply for a Partner visa onshore, which gave

Emmanuel the opportunity to stay in Australia while awaiting the outcome of their

application.

Katherine and Emmanuel’s relatively quick decision to marry and their lack of

commonalitiesmay provide grounds to question the genuineness of their relationship. At

the same time, however, it seemed that Katherine and Emmanuel enjoyed spending time

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

79

together and formed a good family, which included Katherine’s children from a previous

relationship.Emmanuelandtheyoungchildrengotalongwell.Sincehewasnotallowedto

work, according to visa regulations, the children soon became his main concern. As was

shown by themany photos posted on socialmedia, Emmanuel took them to school and

pickedthemup,playedwiththemandtookthemtotheparkeachday.Asthechildrenhad

an Africa-origin father, outsiders may have assumed that Emmanuel was their biological

parent,andwhichcouldhavemadehim,thechildrenandKatherineevenmorecomfortable

withthenewsituation.

Other posts on social mediamade it clear that either Katherine and Emmanuel were

definitely in love, or they were performing the romantic love sought after by the DIBP

perfectly.Possiblytheydidboth.Withorwithoutchildrenpresent,theyspentalotoftime

togetheronbothsocialandromanticoutings.Thattheirconnectionwasgenuinelyromantic

became clear from the many photos in which the couple was depicted in a loving way:

kissing, hugging, or looking deeply at each other’s eyes. Moreover, photos would be

accompaniedbytextsexpressingthedeeplovebetweenoneanotherandthegratefulness

ofbeingineachother’slives.

Both the storiesof Sophie and Lucas, andEmmanuel andKatherinemake it clear that

loveandvisa strategiesare in factverymuch intertwined.Neither relationship seemed to

havebeenembarkedupon just for thesakeofavisa,althoughbothcouplesdidmarry to

helpfulfilvisaregulations.Iwanttoemphasise,however,thatromancedidplayamajorrole

in their stories of courtship—regardless of how suspect the couples may have looked to

others. Fernandez (2013)describes similar cases,arguing thatCuban-Danishcouplesoften

had no other choice than marriage, even after short periods of being together, if they

wantedtocontinuetheirrelationship.AsmigrationtoCubawasdifficult torealise,Danish

regulations made marriage the only option for staying together and living in Denmark.

Ironically, couples felt that the Danish Government forced marriage upon them, while it

simultaneously preached the importance of choice in regard to love (Fernandez 2013). In

boththecasesofEmmanuelandKatherine,andLucasandSophie,marriagesalsoseemedto

havebeenrushedforthepurposeofthevisaapplication.Bothaccountsmakeitclearhow

couplesuseromanticlovebothforvisapurposesaswellasameansofstayingtogether.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

80

Andfinally,theinterview

Afterhavingsubmittedall the requireddocumentsandevidenceofgenuine togetherness,

couples then had towait formonths before theDIBP processed their application. All the

couples I interviewed were successful in their application.42However, the likelihood for

successdidnotstopthemfromworryingabouttheapplication.Theperiodofwaitingfora

possibleinterview,andeventuallytheprocessingofthevisawasthetimewhenindividuals

would reflect on such issues. Lillian described how she had ‘nightmares every night for

weeks’ until her husband’s visa came through. Even though she felt it would have been

‘impossible’ for theirapplication tobedeniedas shehadprovided theDIBPwitha strong

and extensive case, ‘only the thought of it caused me panic attacks’. Also, Emma

remembered vividly that after she submitted all the requested documents she first felt

relief,butthatfeelingwassoonreplacedbythefear:‘Iwassoscaredthat[theDIBP]would

findsomethingwrongwithourapplicationandthatMatthewandI,andourlittleone,would

neverbereunitedagain.Ihaveneverbeenmorescaredaboutanythingthanthis’.

Couples,andespeciallyAustralianwomen,experiencedthisperiodofwaitingashaving

their lives put on hold by the Government. For Lucas and Sophie, the time Lucas had to

spend back home, on his own, was experienced as ‘useless’. When Sophie came to visit

Lucas in his hometown, not only did they celebrate a second, and this timemore festive,

weddingceremony,theywerealsoluckytofallpregnant.ThroughoutthepregnancySophie

couldnot relyon support fromherhusband,eitheremotionallyor financially,becausehe

wasbackhomewhilstSophiewas inAustralia.Lucas inturnfeltas ifhefailedasaman,a

husband,becausehedidnot take careofhiswifeduring thepregnancy. Luckily for Lucas

andSophie,ninemonthsafterapplyingforthevisatheywereinvitedforaninterview.The

visaapproval camethrough rightbeforeshewasdue (tenmonthsafter theyhadapplied)

andhewaspresentwhenSophiegavebirth.

42Thisstudyhasanimplicitbias:couplesdeniedavisawouldhavebeenhardtolocateasthemalewouldnolonger be living inAustralia, and thewomanwould not be as visible as otherwomenwhohad longer termrelationships that included courtship, visa application, cohabitation, and either a successful marriage or adivorce.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

81

Allcouplesdebatedthedifferencethatimportantandlife-changingeventswouldmake

in visa processing speed and outcome. Some believed that a pregnancy, proposal for

marriageormarriageitselfwouldpositivelyinfluenceprocessingtimesandoutcomes,while

others were certain that the DIBP would not care at all about such events. While some

couplesbelievedthatpregnancies,especially,wereareasonfortheDIBPtoapproveavisa

request,accordingtoCharlotte,theGovernmentwouldnotcareaboutsuchthings.Shehad

calledtoinquireaboutthisandhadreceivedtheinformationthatpregnancywasconsidered

aconsciouschoiceandthereforeitwouldnotinfluencethedepartment’sdecision-making.

Charlottereasonedthat‘whattheyargueisthatcouplesshouldnotmakebigdecisionslike

thatwhenawaitingavisaoutcome’.Shewasinformedthat,‘theyjustlookattheevidence

handed to them for being a genuine couple’. Seemingly, children are not regarded as

evidence of genuine relationships, but Charlotte speculated, are possibly viewed as

indicatorsofshamrelationships,asstrategiestoobtainvisas.

Eventually, somecoupleswere invited to takepart in an interviewwitha government

officialeitheratanofficeinAustraliaoroverseas,orviaphone.Couplesweregenerallyvery

excitedabouttheinterviewasitmeanttheircasewasbeingprocessedanditwouldnownot

belongbeforeadecisionwouldbemade.Theendofthelongperiodofwaitingwasinsight.

Interlocutorsoftensharedthegoodnewsoftheinvitationforaninterviewonsocialmedia

wherefriendsandfamilyrespondedwithcongratulationsandencouragingwords.

At the same time,however, interlocutors felt that the interviewwas theultimate sign

that they, as a cross-border couple, had to prove their love for each other, showing that

ultimately Australia did not trust foreigners. Couples and partners felt that the

Government’s fear of sham marriages constructed their relationships as bad in essence,

whereas they feltAustralian relationshipswere seenas inherentlypositive from the start.

ThisisconsistentwithLucyWilliams’observationthatcross-bordercouplesarebydefinition

falling short when their relationships are being measured against the ‘pure’ relationship,

which idealises equality among partners; cross-border relationships are often ‘even less

likelythanmarriagesbetweencitizenstobetrulyequal’(2010,citedbyEggebø2013:782).

Female interlocutors felt that it was unacceptable for their Government to be making

judgements about them having foreign husbands, as it betrayed their faith in them as

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

82

citizensandtheirabilitytomakegooddecisions.‘Iwishtheywouldjustleaveusalone’,‘Do

theythinkIamstupidorsomething’,‘theyarejustracistandbullies’,‘theyjustdonotwant

foreignerstocomein’,werecommonexpressionswhenIaskedwomenabouttheirgeneral

opiniononthevisaprocedure.

Couples were interviewed separately in order to cross-check their answers and thus

determinehowwelltheyknewtheirsignificantother.Couplespreparedfortheinterviews,

but at the same time, appeared to have faith in knowing their partner well enough.

Sometimes,coupleswhowereabouttobeinterviewedobtainedadviceaboutwhattosay

anddo fromcouples thathadgone through the interviewprocess in thepast; sometimes

they looked for advice on the Internet. In these ways, couples learned about potential

questions immigration officers could ask, such as: How many siblings does your partner

have?Whataretheirnames?Onwhatsideofthebeddoesyourspousesleep?Whatsports

teamdoeshesupport?Howmanygoodfriendsdoesshehaveandwhatdotheydowhen

theymeet?

The two migration agents I interviewed felt that interview questions were often

culturallybiased.Forinstance,theyexplainedthatAfrica-originapplicantswouldoftenfailto

correctlyanswerquestionsduetoadifferentunderstandingofconceptssuchasmarriage,

family or children.43A question such as, ‘How many children do you have?’ could be

confusing, as theapplicantmayhavebiological childrenand/or children they took careof

and/ortherecouldbeotherchildrenlivingunderthesameroof.

The interviewLucas recentlyhadwithamigrationofficer revealsconfusionconcerning

children,aswellasmarriage.Whensittingaroundthekitchentable,afterSophieandLucas

hadbeenreunitedagain,IaskedLucashowtheinterviewwent.Heexplainedtomethatit

allwentverywell,thathewasabletoanswerallthequestionseasilyandthathehadtaken

photostoemphasisehowauthentictheirrelationshipwas.However,atonepointtheyhad

askedhimatrickquestion,whichhestillseemedconfusedabout.Theyhadaskedabouthis

wifeandchildren,andhowhecouldbemarriedtotwowomenandwhathewoulddowith

43Forinstance,traditionalmarriagesareoftenunregisteredinAfricancountriesandthereforenotrecognisedby theAustralianGovernment.Noneof the coupleshadanydifficultiesproving theirAustralianmarriageastheywerelegallycontracted.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

83

hischildrenbackhome.Lucasthoughthehadnotunderstoodthequestionandhadasked

forthequestiontoberepeated.Hethenrealisedtheywereseriousintheinquiryabouthis

‘otherfamily’.Lucasaskedthemwheretheygotthe informationfromthathewasalready

married.Apparently,hehadtoldimmigrationofficersthisthefirsttimehewasinterviewed,

whenhehadcometoAustraliaonatemporaryvisaabouttwoyearsbeforethisinterview.

Atthattime,hehadstayedinAustraliaforapproximatelyninemonths.Hetoldmethathe

explainedtotheimmigrationofficersthattheymusthavemisunderstoodhimbackthen.‘I

told them I took care of children, yes, but they are my brother’s two children.’ Those

childrenhadlivedwithLucasbecause‘thatishowwedoitbackhome:mysiblings’children

arelikemyowntome’.Andaboutapresumedwife, ‘Ineversaidanythingabouthavinga

wifebecause I nevermarried inmyhomecountry’. Lucas felt that theywere testinghim.

But,headded,hemayverywellhavemadeupthathewasmarriedatthefirstinterview,but

hecouldnotrememberthis.

Lucas and Sophie agreed that itwould havemade sense to pretend to have a family.

Sophieexplained tome that, ‘ManyAfricanspretend theyhavea family inAfricabecause

thatmakesthemlookbetter’.Ialsoheardthisfromotherinterlocutors.Apparentlyhavinga

familyinAfricawouldappeartoanimmigrationofficertoreducethechanceofoverstayinga

visa.As Lucasexplained, ‘Westerngovernmentsare scared thatwhenAfricansenter their

countries,theywillneverleaveagain.So,AfricanstelltheGovernment:Ihavechildrenanda

wife,sodonotworry,Iwillgohomeagain’.WhilebothLucasandSophiefeltabituneasy

withthisparticularquestion,theyotherwisefeltgoodaboutboththeirinterviews.Andthey

didnothavetoworryforlong,asonlytwoweeksaftertheinterviewtheyreceivedthegood

newsthatthevisawasapprovedandthatLucaswaswelcomeinAustralia.

Someinterlocutorswhohadtogoforinterviewsfoundthemtobeuncomfortablewhere

questionsconcernedpersonaltopics.Naomi,forinstance,updatedmeonhowherinterview

wentwhenImetheragainathersister’shome.Naomi,whowasnewlywedtohersecond

husband from an African country, became really upset when the officer kept asking her

aboutherex-husband,andwhytheybrokeup.Shefeltasiftheofficialwasjudgingher,and

hermarriageskills,insteadoffocussingonhercurrentrelationship:‘AsifIamproudofthe

factthatImarriedanotherAfricanbefore.Yes,Imadethatmistake,butalso,notallAfricans

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

84

arethesame,andnowtheytreatedmeasifIamastupidwomanmakingthesamemistake

twice’.Itmadehernervousabouttheoutcomebecauseshefelttheinterviewersdidnotlike

her because of her life choices. That this was her second marriage, and that it was her

secondtimeapplyingforaPartnervisawithanAfrica-originpartnermadeNaomiworried.

That Naomi might be fearful of a government official making inappropriate judgements

about a relationship with an ‘African’ man is supported by the literature. According to

Lavanchy (2014), government officials see Africa-origin men in particular as ‘deceiving

others’whowould take advantage of Swisswomen. Also, in France, Africa-origin spouses

specificallywouldbesuspectedoffraud(NeveuKringelbach2013).

However, not all interview experiences were only bad. Lillian explained that her

interview actuallywent reallywell, andwas in fact not scary at all, because she and the

officersharedaLebaneseheritage;immediatelyitfeltmorelikeafriendlyconversationthan

an interrogation about the genuineness of her relationship. By the end of the interview,

however, theofficeraskedherwhethershewasawarethatshewasmarryingan ‘African’

manwhocouldverywellbedoing it for themoney.Sheanswered thatshewasawareof

that,butthatthiswasariskshewaswillingtotake.Althoughshefoundthisanunnecessary

andmeddlesomequestion,shealsounderstoodthatthere isarisk involved,andtookthis

questionorwarningasafriendlygesturefromtheimmigrationofficer.

Manyofmy female interlocutors recalledbeingwarnedabout thepotential dangerof

marrying a foreigner. Such experiences are similar to those of Dutch women marrying

BalinesemenintheNetherlands.AccordingtoAnnaDragojlovic(2008),immigrationofficers

in theNetherlandswouldwarnwomenthat these ‘othermen’mightbeseeking toobtain

theirmoney.Thisillustratesthepatronisingattitudethatsuggeststhatwomenwouldbein

needofprotection,as theywereblindedby love.Sheargues that suchwarningsdepict ‘a

patriarchalenvironmentinwhichamanhastobe,ifnothigher,thenequalinsocialstatus

withhiswife’(2008:337).AgeneralnotionthattheseDutchwomenmaybeusedbyforeign

mentoenterthecountrycouldbepartofthereasonimmigrationofficersfelttheneedto

warn women (see also Bonjour & de Hart 2013). The ‘well-meaning’ statements and

warningsaboutmigrantmen, theirhusbandsandpartners,whichmy female interlocutors

receivedfromimmigrationofficers,signalapatriarchalandracialisedprotectionism.

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

85

Australianimmigrationofficers’methodsforPartnervisagrantingwerenotexceptional

comparedtothoseinsimilarstudies,conductedforinstanceinSwitzerland(Lavanchy2014),

France(NeveuKringelbach2013),Norway(Eggebø2013),Belgium(Maskens2015)andthe

Netherlands (Bonjour&deHart2013). Inall countries, immigrationofficers,embassyand

consulate employees, as well as civil servants, are asked to look out for ‘conspicuous

strangeness’ and ‘unlikely combinations’ of couples (Bonjour & de Hart 2013: 69), and

‘atypical’ or ‘unorthodox’ relationshipsmay be rejected (Eggebø 2013: 784). Government

employees who are assigned to such gatekeeping often do not have the means or

frameworktobeabletoprofessionallyassessthegenuinenessofrelationships.AsMaskens

observes, ‘there isnoclearequivalencebetweenintimateevents,the intensityandquality

ofarelationship,andtheirformulationinwordsandsentences.Moreover,culturalsettings

also shape intimacyand thewaywe talkabout it’ (2015:52).Officialswhodetermine the

genuinenessofmarriagemigration couples in Switzerland, according to Lavanchy, tend to

relyontheirpersonalandsubjective impressionofthecouples,whichismainly influenced

by mainstream ideas of romantic love and compatibility: couples too different from one

anotherwouldbe‘discrepant’or‘problematic’(2014:13).Asreaderswillrecall,thispractice

wasechoedbySteven,theabovementionedAustralianimmigrationofficerwhospokeofhis

‘gut’feelingsaboutwhethercouplesweretrulyinlove.

Conclusion

This chapter has illustrated the ways in which genuineness is a focus point for couples

practising marriage migration. I elaborated on the various and significant effects the

AustralianGovernment’sfocusongenuinerelationships,andresultantly,thevisaapplication

procedure,hadoncross-bordercouples’ livedexperiencesoftheir intimaterelationships. I

showed how the Australian Partner visa model does not take into account the different

contexts inwhich thedesireddocumentationcanbehard ifnot impossible toobtain.The

entireprocesscausesapplicantsstressasvisaoutcomesareextremely important for their

future lives. The application process is long and expensive and therefore caused much

inconvenience for couples, as they have to put their lives ‘on hold’. As such, the visa

proceduredraws a clear linebetween thehere andnow filledwith fear andbureaucratic

hassle, and the imagined beautiful yet uncertain future, inwhich couples can finally start

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

86

living their lives together. Such findings about the Australian visa application process,

correspond with Eggebø’s observation that ‘Even though most applications for marriage

migration are accepted and the majority of relationships are recognized as real, the

applicationprocessplacespeopleinafrustratingsituationofindeterminacy’(2013:785).

Couples regarded the Australian Government as a force that is purposely obstructing

their envisioned happy and romantic futures. Having to prove their genuineness created

feelingsof anxiety and fear among couples that ahappy futuremaynotbeas realistic as

imagined.Thebureaucraticprocedurealsoprojectedsuchhappilyeveraftersmuchfarther

into the future than couples initially expected, thus shifting couples’ orientationsofwhen

and where happiness is to be found (Walker & Kavedžija 2015; Ahmed 2010).

Simultaneously, visa regulations,with their emphasison the importanceof romantic love,

turned couples away from their first so romantic experience in their relationship, to an

everydayharshnessofmainlyhavingtodealwiththepractical(Eggebø2013).Furthermore,

relationshipsweresometimesrushedandcouplesforcedintomorestaticorformalunions,

asvisaregulationsdidnotofferspaceforthemtoletthingsunfold.Thusinseveralways,the

Australian Government’s impact on relationships changed the character of those

relationships,aswasalsodescribedbyFernandez(2013).

Asmentioned in the Introduction to this thesis,nationality, in the contextofmarriage

migration,candevelopasanacceptableeuphemismforracialisation(Lavanchy2014:9).As

others have found, this chapter illustrated how the long and often anxiously awaited

interviews with migration officers demonstrated a racialised and patriarchal desire to

‘protectourwomen’from‘othermen’(Dragojlovic2008.SeealsoBonjour&deHart2013).

ItalsoindicatedaculturalbiasdisadvantagingpeoplefromthecontinentofAfrica,asisalso

describedbyLavanchy(2014)andNeveuKringelbach(2013).Whileall interlocutors inthis

study eventually were issued with a visa, they often seemed to come with a warning

attached.Sponsoringwomenwouldbecautionedabout thedangersofbringingamigrant

man to Australia, as he could be seeking things other than love. Such apparently well-

meaningadvicereflectsunderlyingbiasandracism.Thevisaapplicationprocedurereflects

institutional racism; it appears to assume that women are naïve or innocent victims of

predatory men and implies that migrant men may be engaging in sham practices and

Couples’experienceswithvisaprocedures

87

therefore undeserving of Australian residency. But not only did couples and partners

encounter institutional racism. As the next chapter illustrates, cross-border couples also

experiencednumerous instancesofeverydayracismaftersettling inAustralia.Suchracism

canbeseenasyetanotherobstructiontocoupleshopingforhappyendings.

Chapter4:Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism

Introduction

This chapter focuses on cross-border couples’ encounters with everyday racism and

everyday prejudice. I demonstrate how various encounters influenced couples’ romantic

lived experiences and feelings of comfort and belonging.While therewere some positive

moments,therewerealsonegativeexperiencesthatwerecountertotheexpectationsthat

partners had of an easy life aftermarriagemigration. These negative experiences can be

seenasanotherobstructiontotheirimaginedhappymarriagesandhappyfuturestogether.

Itappearsthatcoupleswereoftenviewedwithsuspicioninworkplaces,socialcirclesand

among family. It also appears, regardless of whether the context was predominantly

Australian or ‘African’ in demographic, that both partners experienced various acts of

everydayracismandprejudicewhennavigatingdifferentsocioculturalsettings.Sometimes

thisturmoilarosebecauseofhavingan‘other’partner;sometimesitarosefrombeingthe

‘other’ partner. It is for these reasons that I argue that alongside good experiences—

moments of comfort and belonging—inmost spheres of their lives, couples and partners

alsoexperiencedracism,andhence,feelingsofnotbeingwelcomedasacouple.Whilethe

existing literature, discussed in what follows, often deals with non-white migrant

experiencesofeverydayracism insocietieswherewhiteness in thenorm, in thischapter I

will also describe sponsoring women’s experiences with bias and racism, and couples’

experiencesofeverydayracismandnon-belongingamong‘African’familialandcommunity

groups.

Istartthischapterwithapersonalvignetteillustratingtheblurrylinesbetweeneveryday

racismandprejudice.Then,Ielaborateonthelattertwoconcepts.Inwhatfollows,Ishare

examplesofthewaysinwhichromanticcouplesexperiencedmarginalisation.Aftershowing

howmigrantmenandsponsoringwomeneachexperiencedracismintheirdailylives,Ithen

focusoncouples inrelationtotheir families,both inAustraliaaswellas inAfrica.Lastly, I

turntothewaysinwhichpartnersandcouplesrelatetoAfricancommunityorganisationsin

Australia.

Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism

89

‘BecarefulwithAfricanmen’

Myfirst‘home’inAdelaidewasaroominmylandladyDawn’shouse.Locatedinthesuburbs

butabicyclerideawayfromthecity,theuniversity,andthebeach,thisdetachedhousewith

a largebackyardfelt likeaperfectwelcometoAustralia.Dawn lived inthe ‘grannyflat’at

the back of the garden,while I shared the three-bedroomhousewith other international

students.IarrivedinFebruary,inablisteringheatwave,whichDawndecidedwecouldonly

survivewith a glassofwine afterwork. This habit developed into ahousehold ritualwith

DawnandIsittinginthegardentogether,acoupleoftimesaweek,sippingfromourglasses

of coldChardonnaywine, chattingawaywhileobserving the chickens cluckingaround the

yard.Sometimes,wewouldevengooutsocialising.Shewouldtakemetothebeachorto

salsanights in the city.Dawn really likeddancing, especially to Latinmusic. I felt lucky to

havecomeacrosssuchaniceandgenerouslandlady.

But our good relationship was short lived. Changes in our friendship started to occur

when Imetmypartner Kassim, about eightmonths after Imoved inwithDawn. Possibly

typical foranthropologists, Ihadmetmypartnerduring fieldwork inAdelaide.Kassimhad

cometoAustraliain2006fromhishomecountryTanzania.Whenonedayhecametopick

meuptogotothebeachforaswim,Dawnapparentlyhadnoticedhisvaninthedriveway,a

MercedesVito.When Igotback thatevening,Dawngrinninglycommented that suchcars

wouldbesotypicalforthem,thattheywouldalwayswanttohavethefancybrands,thatit

would all be about status with them. I had noticed the car brand, but I had beenmore

stunnedbythemessofthistradesmancar’sinterior,andtheonewindowthatcouldnotbe

opened.

Over the followingweeks,Kassimcameoverseveral times toenjoyagingerbeerwith

meinthegarden.Thetemperatureswerestillhigh,andwefeltluckywehadaccesstosuch

abeautifulandshadygarden—somethingthatKassim’sapartmentclosetothecitylacked.

However,afterthreeofKassim’svisits,Dawntookmeasidewithawarning.Shetoldmethat

while it was fine to have him over every now and then, I should not make this a daily

occurrence. She had furthermore noticed, she toldme, thatmy flatmate had locked her

door,eachtimeKassimcameover.Myfirstreactionwasthatitwassensibleforhertohave

rules regarding male visitors. My second reaction was a mixed feeling of sadness and

Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism

90

consternationthatmyflatmatehadfeltunsafe.Later,however,themotivationsbehindher

commentweigheduponme. SinceDawnhadnot alwaysbeen in thehousewhenKassim

visited,Iwonderedhowsheknewaboutthelockeddoor?Myflatmatealsoseemedtoget

alongwellwithKassim,Ithought,asshehadinsistedheshouldtryhercookingeachtimehe

cameby.

While theseoccurrenceshad certainlyhinted thatDawnwas judgingKassimbasedon

thecolourofhisskin,atthatmomentintimeIdidnotfeelIcouldorshouldcommentonher

racist-tingedcomments,whichhadalwaysbeensubtle.Asourwinesessionscontinuedas

normal,DawnelaboratedontheLatinsceneinAdelaide,andhowmenfromLatinAmerican

backgrounds,butalso‘African’men,wereverydifferentfromAustralianmen.Accordingto

her,even thoughsuchmenwouldbemuchmorecharmingandsmoother thanAustralian

men,womenhadtobecarefulinentertainingsuchadvances.Dawncouldnameafewmen

shehadheardaboutwhowereunfaithful to theirwives and/orhadused theirAustralian

partners inorder toobtain residency.Personally,Dawnsaid shewouldbeunable to trust

anymanwithaLatinAmericanorAfricanbackground.

WhileKassimhadalwaysbeenwaryofDawn,the ‘pennyformeonlydropped’when I

heardDawn’sreactionwhenItoldherabouthisdaughterfromapreviousrelationship.Ina

loudandclearmanner,Dawnwarnedmeandaskedmetoreconsidermydecisiontostarta

relationshipwith him. She toldme to be careful because, according to her, ‘African’men

wouldwanttohaveasmanychildrenaspossible,butwouldnotcareaboutthem,northe

mothers. Sheexplained thatKassimalreadyhavinga childwasan indicator thathewasa

riskychoice.Sheurgedmetouseprotectionandalsowarnedmethathecouldverywellbe

stilltogetherwithhiswife.Dawnsaidthatsheknewabout‘African’menandtheirhabitsof

usingtheirfriends’apartmentsforsexualextramaritalrelationships.Australianmen,onthe

otherhand,wouldneverdothis,shesaid.Itwasafteracoupleofsuchtirades,thatIdecided

itwastimetomoveout.

Tellingly, Dawn had not been the only one with such prejudged notions and racist

attitudes towards men from African countries. When I told people about my research, I

often received curious and excited reactions. As one person said, ‘Well I know this

Nigerian…’staringoffanarrativeofamanwhomarriedawomanunderfalsepretences,and

Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism

91

by doing so had come to live in Australia. Another person commented, ‘Women are too

desperate and need to fly all the way to Africa to get themselves a husband’. Several

Australianwomenevenconfided that theywould ‘love’ tohavea ‘black lover’,orat least

havesexwithan‘African’man—justto‘seewhatitislike’.Someevenmentionedthatthey

wouldlovetohave‘brownbabies’.Forthecross-bordercouplesandex-partnersIstudied,

encounterssuchasthesewithracism,prejudiceandexoticismhadbecomeanormalpartof

their everyday lives, significantly affecting their wellbeing. The result was a further

shatteringofpreviouslyheldimaginariesthatonceinAustralia,theywouldbehappy.

Everydayracismandeverydayprejudice

Everyday racism, a term first coined by Philomena Essed in her book Understanding

EverydayRacism(1991)referstoexperiencesofroutinemarginalisationbasedonnotionsof

race. Inher study,Essed focusedon thebanalandblatant racismexperiencedbyAfrican-

AmericanwomenintheUnitedStates.Shedescribesracismas‘aprocess…routinelycreated

andreinforcedthrougheverydaypractices’ (1991:2).Everydayracismreflectsonboththe

microsociologicalleveloftheeveryday,aswellasthemacro-sociologicalstructuressuchas

the economy, themedia and political institutions, and their role in producing racism (Hill

Collins1992:790).Suchactsofracism,Essedargues,arenotincidental,arbitraryorrandom,

but are specific instances that ‘acquiremeaningonly in relation to the sum total ofother

experiencesofeverydayracism’(1991:288).Asotherscholarsalsoexplain,thereasonthat

everyday and interpersonal instances of racism are connected to institutional racism is

because they reflect racialisedpower relationsevident in society (Noble&Poynting2010:

493).Institutionalracism:

referstotheinstitutionalpoliciesandpracticesthatareputinplacetoprotectandlegitimatethe

advantagesandpoweronegrouphasoveranother. Institutionalracismcanbeovertorcovert,

intentional or unintentional. Either way, racist outcomes are achieved and reproduced

(Augoustinos&Reynolds2001:4).

AsStephenSmall(1999)states,

Racialized structuresare the institutionalpillarsof society, theyare the routine, recurrentand

organised features of contemporary life. The idea of ‘racialized’ structures has two key

components. First, it refers to the distribution of valuable resources such as political power,

Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism

92

employment,educationandhousing.Primarily thisaspect involveswhoownswhat,worksand

lives where, and has good health. Secondly, it refers to the normal, recurrent and routinized

procedures of institutions that shape and constrain our daily lives, from politics (voting and

political representatives), economics (business, employment), education (universities, schools),

health(hospitals)andotherspheresofsociallife(family,media,music,sport).Thesebehaviours

andactionssustainthedistributionofresources’(citedbyMadison2005:72).

Racialcategoriesbecomeproducedandreproducedineverydaylife,bypracticesofinclusion

andexclusion(Ong1982,citedbyMadison2005:72).Racism,bothontheinstitutionallevel

andasaneverydayexperience,‘maintainsandreproducesthepowerdifferentialsbetween

groupsinthesocialsystem’(Augoustinos&Reynolds2001:4).

This presence of power is what, according to psychological studies, differentiates

prejudicefromracism.PrejudicewasfirstdefinedbypsychologistGordonAllport(1954)as

‘thinkingillofotherswithoutsufficientwarrant’(citedbyValentineetal.2015:569).Since

then, a plethora of terms have been used to describe prejudice, such as discrimination,

ethnocentrism, ingroup bias, and stereotyping (Augoustinos&Reynolds 2001). AsMartha

Augoustinos and Katherine Reynolds state, ‘while prejudice is usually regarded as an

individual phenomenon, racism is a broader construct that links individual beliefs and

practicestowidersocialandinstitutionalpractices’(2001:3).Thedifferencebetweenracism

andprejudice, then, is enactment: a personmaydisplay raceprejudice, but if there is no

powerexercisedanditremainsanattitude,thisdoesnotconstituteracism(Augoustinos&

Reynolds2001:4).Butwhileitisimportanttodifferentiatebetweenprejudices(biases)and

racism, I argue that they both are examples of racialisation that are often entangled and

interrelated in everyday life. Such instancesof racialication aredetrimental to individuals’

wellbeingandhappiness,inthiscasethatofcross-bordercouplesinAustralia.

Cross-bordercouples’experienceswitheverydayracism

Men’sexperienceswitheverydayracism

In this section, I focus on the racism encountered by 15 migrant men in Adelaide, with

additionalobservationsoftheracismexperiencedbythreemenlivinginMelbourne.Ichose

toalsonarratetheexperiencesofsevenmigrantswhodidnotpractisemarriagemigration.It

ismy aim to illustrate how a general discomfortwithmalemigrants (as perceived bymy

Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism

93

Africa-origin interlocutors) generates feelingsofnon-belongingamong themigrantmen in

general, and male marriage migrants in particular. It is through the exploration of such

feelings and experiences that I demonstrate how everyday racism affects the imagined

happymarriagesandfuturesofmalemigrants.

The experience of racialisation amongmigrants andminority groups in Australia is an

everyday reality. For example, a study by Greg Noble and Scott Poynting (2010)

conceptualises racialised experiences of social marginalisation among Arab and Muslim

Australians.TheauthorsdescribehowtheglobalvilificationofMuslimsandArabsunderlies

instances of everyday racism, of ‘everyday incivilities’ (2010: 493). Noble and Poynting

illustratehowArabandMuslimAustraliansencountersubtleandnotsosubtleactsofracism

daily,suchasswearing,policeharassment,certainglancesandsexualthreats.Furthermore,

Noble (2005) illustrates how interviewees experiencedwhat he calls ‘social incivility’: ‘the

everydaybehavioursofothers,mainlyAnglo-CelticAustralians, that (Muslim) respondents

often foundrudeand insulting,evenas theydismissed their significance’ (2005:110).The

sense of discomfort, of non-belonging, was often experienced through the senses: how

peoplelookedatMuslimmigrants,howotherstreatedthemas‘nuisances’(seealsoSayad

1999).

Noble relates the idea of comfort, of recognition, to what Giddens (1990) calls

ontological security, or ‘the confidence or trust we have in theworld around us, both in

termsofthethingsandthepeoplewithwhichweshareourlives,andhencewhichprovide

stabilityandcontinuitytoouridentity’(Noble2005:113).Ontologicalsecurityrelatesclosely

tobeingabletofit,theabilitytoberecognised,andassuchtoberecognisedasbelonging

(Noble2005:114).Aswiththemigrantmenthatwerepartofthisstudy,Muslimmigrantsin

Australiaexperienced theoppositeof recognition,namelyan inadequateexistence,which

challengedtheirstatusassocialparticipantswithinsociety(Noble2005:115).Comfort,thus,

seemstobeessentialforfeelingbelongingtoaplace,butitmaynotbeeasytoexperience

duetootherpeople’sperformances.

Essed explains that those who are subject to everyday racism become experts in

recognising the cumulativepatterningof everyday racismover time (1991, citedby Smith

2016: 8). Indeed, male migrant interlocutors reported suffering from stereotypes and

Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism

94

racism—bothsubtleaswellasopenlyexpressedracism—alsoonadailybasis.Mennamed

numerous examples including: the avoidance of eye contact, not being offered a seat in

public transport, job discrimination and being refused entry into clubs and bars.

Furthermore, all men I spoke to had experiences with being identified as a refugee—

somethingtheyall loathed.Thiswasbecause,asonemanstated,‘JustbecauseIamblack,

Australian people think I am a refugee’. Being assumed to be a refugee made men feel

insulted,astheyfeltstereotypedandcategorised.Theybecamepositionedinanarrativeof

vulnerability,withnotmuchpowerascribed. Inthiscontext,men’sskincolourmadethem

into‘someonepeoplefeelsorryfor’.

FromaconversationwithfivemenandthreewomenfromAfricancountriesaboutwork

relationships, itbecameclear thatbackgroundand skin colour could causeuncomfortable

workplacesocial relations.Themenandwomen,allof themfriends,wereat thehomeof

oneofthemen’sparentsinanAdelaidesuburb.TheyhadinvitedmypartnerKassimandI

was allowed to tag along. When I heard one of them joking about something ‘typically

African’, I became curious and asked the group in general about their experiences with

prejudiceandracism.Oneof themen,whoworkedataminingsite, said itwasespecially

toughsometimes,asCaucasiancolleagueskeptoncallinghim‘CrazyMonkey’.Heexplained

thatwhiletheyallgotalong,andthathiscolleaguesprobablythoughtaboutitas‘beingjust

buddies—mates’,tohimitmattered,andhewishedtheywouldnotsaysuchthings.Buthe

didnotwanttosayanythingaboutit,asthatwouldhaveturnedtheotherwisepositivework

environmentsour.

Ramsay (2017) describes the practice of nicknaming based on racial thoughts as ‘mis-

interpellation’,atermcoinedbyGhassanHage(2010),‘inwhichcontestingideologicalforms

of recognitionand rejectionareexperiencedas abasisof identity formation’ (2017:175).

ThemanwhowascalledCrazyMonkeywasfirstrecognisedas‘beingoneoftheguys’and

thereforegivenanickname.Beinggrantedanicknameindicateshisbelonginginthegroup,

buttheracistnatureofthenicknameturnsthemanintoanotheragain,aracialisedsubject.

AccordingtoRamsay,Australia’smulticulturalistpolicyconcealssucheverydayoccurrences

ofracialisation:

Cross-bordercouplesandeverydayracism

95

Although whiteness is a primary basis from which exclusion and inclusion is mediated in

Australia, hegemonicwhiteness is often only implicitly reproduced and concealed through the

contrary state-sponsored claim to multicultural cosmopolitanism that seeks to recognise and

promoteracialandculturaldiversity(2017:175).

Australia’sclaimsofembracingmulticulturalism,diversityandcosmopolitanismthusobscure

everydayracism,whilesimultaneously‘implicitlyreinforcingcolonialracialisations’(Ramsay

2017:175).

Inanotherinstance,Geoffrey,amaninhisearlythirties,explainedtomehowhestarted

dressingupinasmartmannerinorderforhimtofeelrespected.Oneafternoon,wewere

sitting in the garden of his city rental apartment, where I came to pick him up and

accompany him to his friends’ theatre performance. Over a pre-event cup of coffee, we

toucheduponthetopicoffashion.Geoffreyactuallyaskedmetowritethefollowingdown,

asheinsisteditwasnecessarytoemphasisethesubtletyofracialication.Geoffreyexplained

thathestartedtowearniceshirtswhenherealisedthat,‘whitepeoplewouldnottakeme

serious otherwise’. He said this happened often to him, for instance, when he would be

walkingdownthestreet,togetherwithhisgirlfriend,inaT-shirt.Whenpeopleapproached

them, or when they asked others for something, people would reply to her, and ignore

Geoffrey.Hefeltthatthishappened‘becausesheiswhite,andIamblack.AndwithmyTee,

Iwouldjustlooklikeanimbecilicorsomethingtothem,notcapableofanything.So,atone

point I realized that if I wanted to be taken serious[ly], I should start dressing similar to

them,orevenmoresophisticated’.Hefoundthisparticularlydisappointingandupsetting.As

he lamented, itwasonlyby ‘matching’Anglo-Europeans—andevenby ‘actuallyoverruling

them’withevenbetterattire—that‘whitepeoplecometotolerateandacceptyou’.

Throughhis comments,Geoffrey touchedonan issue thatmanyAfrica-originmigrants

brought up during my research. The issue was howmigrants were often compared with

whitemenwhilesimultaneouslyappearingasdifferentandonanother‘level’comparedto

them.Themediationofthisrequired,attimes,anapproachofvisualassimilationthatcould

oftenincludeeffortstoflagrefinementviaawell-plannedchoiceinclothing.Migrantmenin

Australiathusmaystrategiseforthemtobeseennotjustas‘African’men,withanegative

connotation,butassophisticatedmen—bydressingevenbetterthanwhitemen.

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Jacob, on the other hand, said that he sometimes gets so tired of prejudices that he

actuallyperformsnegativestereotypes, to ‘strikeback’, tokeepcontroloverthesituation.

Heexplainedthatwhenhewouldbewalkingonthestreetinthedark,hecouldseewomen

crossthestreettowalkontheotherside‘sothattheydonothavetopassmeandrunthe

riskofgettingharassedortheirbagsstolen’.Jacobsaidthat‘togivethemwhattheywant,I

sometimesscreamandyellfunnywords,ormakestrangesounds,justtoscarethem’.

Africanmalebodies, in fact,wereoftenseenassitesofpleasurabledanger, instigating

both arousal and fear. Throughout Anglo-European history, black/African men have long

been presented as inferior to white men, as uncivilised, highly sexualised and lustful, as

objects, in order to underscore a narrative of white-supremacist patriarchy (Saint-Aubin

2005;Arnfred2004;Hoch1979).According to Frantz Fanon (1986 [1952]: 177), people in

Africa became black when Europeans colonialised them, and not only did they get their

colour,butalsotheirsexuality.Fanonexplainsthatwhileweallknowthesexualsuperiority

ofblackpeople isuntrue, fearmakespeoplebelieve itanyway.Assuch, racebecomes,or

hasbecome,fetishised(SeeRatele2004).AlsoinAustralia,suchcolonialimaginariesinform

racialisation(Ramsay2017:177).

InAdelaide, and to a lesser extendMelbourne,Africa-originmaleswereobjects to be

keptatadistancewhilealsoservingasobjectsof intenseinterestandattraction.Thedual

elements of repulsion and attraction were apparent, for instance, by the ways in which

Caucasianwomenshowedinterestinmeninbarsandnightclubs.Hensnights—alsoknown

asbacheloretteparties—wereparticularlyinterestingeventsinthissense.AtanyHensnight

that Ihavewitnessed,migrantmenwerealwaysa focusofattentionby thewomen.One

night, I went for drinks with friends, including two men from East African countries. At

anothertableintheroomagroupofwomenwerecelebratingwiththebride-to-be.Iheard

themwhisper, ‘We have not yet got a photo with a sexy darkman’.We were not even

seatedbeforetheyapproachedusandaskedforaphotographwiththemeninourgroup.In

another instance, a migrant man was approached by a bride-to-be who asked him for a

condomwhilehewasonadatewithhispartner.

Itdependedonthemeninquestionwhetherthisbehaviourwasseenasoffensive.While

somemenarguedthatwomentreatallmenlikethisandwouldwantaphotowithallsorts

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ofmenduringaHensnight,othermenfeltoffendedastheybelievedtheywouldnothave

beenapproachediftheyhadbeenwhite.Andwhilesomemenexperienceeventslikethisas

highlydisturbing,othermenusethemasawayofbeingabletointeractwithawholegroup

of women. Such instances indicate that migrant men were seen as exotic others, as

attractive objects. That suchmen are only approached on a Hens nightmay indicate the

relativeuneasewomenwouldhaveonanormalnightout.Inthisway,aHensnightcanbea

liminalspaceinwhichonecanbehavealternativelytothenormativeculturalscript.

Itwasnotalwaysoverlyvisibletome,asawhitewoman,wheninstancesofracialisation

occurred. When going out with male interlocutors or friends, for instance, I was often

surprised by the amount of attention they received from white women. However, men

pointedoutthatwhitewomenwouldonlybeinterestedinthembecausetheyweresitting

with me, a white woman. If it was just them by themselves, or with their Africa-origin

friends,womenwould showno interest.According to themen, the fact that Iwas sitting

thereshowedthat‘thisparticularAfricanmanisactuallyproper’,ashewouldbecapableof

havingnormalinteractionwithawhitewoman.Myinterlocutorsfeltthiswouldnotbethe

caseforawhiteman,whowouldnotneedtoprovethatheisagoodman.

Thedepictingof ‘African’menashypersexualandunfaithfulalsobecameclear froma

conversationIhadwithSarah.WhilehavingacupofteawithheratherhomeinanAdelaide

suburb, she shared her recent dating experiences withme. She was active on a popular

onlinedatingappafterherrelationshiphadended.44Sheexplainedthatshemet ‘heapsof

Africanmen here, and I only swipe them to the right, not the Aussiemen’. Sarahwas in

contactwith twoof themandconfided inmethatonehadcomeover lastnight.But, she

said,‘Theyallhavewivesorgirlfriends,ofcourse’,androlledhereyes.‘Thisotherguy…we

spentacoupleofnightstogether.Allofasudden,Igetacallfromthiswoman…“WhatIam

doing with her man”, she asks me. ‘Of course,’ Sarah said, ‘I suspected he was with

44This dating app for smartphones works like this: a person interested in dating scrolls through profiles—containingphotosofpeople,plusanoptionalshort‘about’text—andcanswipeleftorright.Toswipeapersonleftmeans ‘not interested’, to swipe rightmeans ‘yes, interested’. If twopersons swiped each other to theright,theyhavea‘match’andcannowstartchatting.Althoughrelationshipsdostemfromappsofthistype,theyarebetterknownforarranging‘one-nightstands’.

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someone, because they always are!’ Sarah’s story indicates the perceived ‘naturalness’ of

‘African’men’sinfidelity.

When I askedmigrantmen how they felt about being depicted as hypersexual, initial

reactionsweremultiple,rangingfromagreeingandseeingitasacompliment,totherolling

ofeyes,clearannoyanceandfeelingaghast.Abid,amaninhisearlyfortiesandmarriedto

anAdelaidewomanforovertenyearswhomhemetduringhisuniversityyears,elaborated

on his experiences with everyday racism. While he came to Adelaide as a refugee, his

experiences are also telling for male marriage migrants. Abid worked at a Government-

fundedorganisationto improvemulticulturalisminSouthAustralia. Imethimathisoffice,

whereheinvitedmetotalkabouttheexperiencesofAfricanmigrantsinAustralia,aswellas

hisexperiencesofbeinginaninterculturalrelationshiphimself.Hesatmedowninthesmall

kitchenofhisworkplaceandmadeusacupoftea.Heexplainedthatheusedtogooutalot,

when he was still a student. Back in those days, he said, there were fewer Africa-origin

migrantsandthereusedtobea‘goodspirit;peoplelikedus’.Then,withthecomingofmore

migrantsfromtheAfricancontinent,Abidfeltthingschanged.Hedescribedhowsomemen

embraced the image of the hypersexual ‘African’ man by ‘using that image, living that

image!’whilebeingveryactiveinpursuingAustralianwomen.EventhoughAbidwasshaking

hisheadandwasclearlydisapprovingofsuchbehaviour,hegrinninglyadmittedthathealso

hadenjoyedtheattentionheandhisfriendsreceivedfromwomen.However,theothermen

hereferredtoabovewere‘moreaggressive’.Hefeltthattheactionsofthosemenwerepart

ofthereasonwhy‘African’menwereseenas‘rude,thattheyarejusttheretochasegirls’.

Asanexample,Abidtoldmeaboutarecentexperience,whichoccurredwhenhewenttoa

barwithcolleagues.Oneofhisfemaleco-workershadseenhimchattingtoagirlstanding

next to him while ordering drinks. She had assumed he was flirting with the girl. Abid

wonderedifshewouldhavecometoasimilarconclusionifhewerewhite,whichheclearly

doubted.

Othermenexplainedthat itwasgoodthatpeople imagined ‘African’mentobehighly

sexualandhighlysuccessfulwhenitcomestoloveandsex.Thiswasbecauseitgavethema

feelingofbeingontop,ofwinningthesexualitybattlewithwhitemen.ButlikeAbid,other

menexplainedhowtheygot tiredof thisstereotype,andthat theyoften felt thatwomen

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wantedtobewiththemorsleepwiththemjustbecausetheyare‘African’,withoutlooking

at them as a person. During the same conversation, Abid eloquently elaborated on

stereotypesofAfricanmasculinities,andthewayhefelttheyaffected‘African’menlivingin

Australia,andAfrican-Australianromanticrelationships.Abidexplained,withaserioustone

ofvoice,thathewasveryawareofthestereotypes,andfeltitwasharmfulformentoenjoy

suchstereotypes.Hefeltthat‘stereotypesandmythswerecreatedbywhitepeopleandfor

very bad reasons’. He could see how stereotypes could be usefulwhen trying to impress

women,butalsohowtheycouldbackfire.‘Onalargerlevel’,heexplained,‘thisstereotype

makes…somepeopleavoidbeingwithAfricanmen.Agirlmaybeinterestedinaguy,butshe

maynotwanttoactonthisbecauseofwhatsocietymaythink’.AsAbidfurtherelaborated,

migrantmenmayusethestereotypes,sometimesre-enactthem,andbydoingsonegatively

affectothermenand intimate relationships. Indeed,while some femaleparticipantswere

clearabouttheirpreferencesfor‘African’men,otherwomenwereveryclearthattheyhad

no interest whatsoever in ‘African’ men, exactly because of such stereotypes and

behaviours.

To conclude, it became evident that instances of subtle and not-so-subtle acts of

racialisation were part of the everyday lives of migrant men. Such perceptions about

‘African’ men and ‘African’ male bodies negatively affected cross-border romantic

connections.While couples had imagined or hoped for ‘smooth sailing’ once in Australia,

instances of racism and prejudicemade their everyday lived realities not as positive, and

countered their expectations. In the next section, I elaborate on how sponsoringwomen

experienced life as a cross-border couple, and the accompanying racialisation that took

place. Such narratives emphasise how because of their relationships, women’s social

positioning shifted from relatively invisible, to highly visible; in a sense, they became an

‘other’themselves.

Women’sexperienceswitheverydayracism

Through their relationships, sponsoringwomen’s positioningwithin society changed from

beingincludedandacceptedinAustralia,where‘assumptionsofwhitesovereigntycontinue

tobeacceptedandnormalised’ (Ramsay2017: 172), to suddenly acquiring amixed social

status due to the otherness of their partners. The 16 Adelaide and 2 Melbourne based

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women in my study especially emphasised the racially-based comments they received

regardingtheirrelationshipsfromfamily,friends,acquaintancesandpeopleencounteredin

everyday life. In Sophie’s opinion, most of the questions about her Africa-origin partner

amounted toan inquiryaboutwhether shecould trusthimornot.Otherquestions,most

oftenposedbywhitewomen,included:‘Ishefaithful?’;‘Howisthesex?’;and‘Doeshehave

ahugepenis?’WhiteAustralianmen,bycontrast,wereapttoask:‘Isheagoodman?’This

latterquestionsoughttodetermineiftheAfrica-originpartnerhadarespectablejoband/or

ifhewasopenabouthisfinancesandwhereabouts.BothAustralianmenandwomenmight

alsoask,withathinlyveiledmeaning:‘Whatvisaisheon?’whichimpliedthatAfrica-origin

menmaybeprimarilyinterestedingettingmarriedtoobtainamorepermanentvisa.

Female interlocutors described the way that stereotypes about ‘African’ men and

presumptions aboutmarriagemigrationmade it difficult for them to trust their partners

fully.Whenmeeting foranafter-workdrink in thecity,Charlotte toldme that shealways

hadnegativevoicesinthebackofhermind:‘Maybeheisjustusingmeforthevisa;maybe

hehas lotsofgirlfriendsbackhome;maybe Iamtoonaïvetotrusthim’.Eventhoughshe

had knownherhusband for years, and theyhave lived together inhis homecountry, she

describedhowthestoriesabout‘African’menandthefrequentseparationofcouples,post-

marriagemigration,madeherdoubtherabilitytojudgehischaracter.

Comments andwarnings aboutwomen’s partners could thusplant doubts about their

partners’sincerityinwomen’sminds.Inthisway,womenlikeCharlottestartedtoquestion

how realistic their imagined happy futures together were. Also, Lillian, who had been

married toherAfrica-originpartner foroveradecade,describedhowpeoplehadwarned

heraboutherpartner.Thisaffectedher,especiallyintheearlystagesoftheirrelationship,

shetoldme,whileimitatingtherollingofeyesasexpressionsofconcernandpity,whichshe

hadseenintheeyesofothers,allthoseyearsago.Butwhilesheknew‘hewasnotlikewhat

peoplewerethinking’,shedid‘test’him,inaway.HerhusbandwasadevoutCatholic,and

he insisted that their weddingwould take place in a church. Even though Lillianwas not

Catholic herself, and had converted for him, for her, a Catholic church wedding was the

ultimatesignofhisseriousnessabouttheirrelationship.Assheexplained,‘Ifhewouldhave

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wantedaquickweddingattheTownHall,thatwouldhaveshownthathewouldhaveother

intereststhanbeingwithme’.

Women’srelationshipswith‘racialothers’generatedashiftintheirvisibility,observable

throughsucheverydayencountersasdescribedabove.Thatwomenfelttheyweresuddenly

visible,aswellasheldaccountable,fortheircross-borderrelationshipsillustratesthatthey

had previously been fitting in with a hegemonic whiteness that had made them go

unnoticed.Whiteness,accordingtoHarrison:

is a structural location that confers exclusive privilege, a standpoint from which to view and

assess Self andOther, and a set of cultural practices that is usually unmarked, unnamed, and

normativelygiven.Thisrelativeinvisibilitybothenhancesandisaneffectofitsdominance(1995:

63).

Whiteness in itself is not a static category but instead ‘differentially shaped by and co-

constructedwithclass,ethnicity,age,gender,andsexuality’(Frankenberg1993:233).Racial

hierarchies andparadigms are fluid and ever shifting (Silverstein 2005).Groups thatwere

previouslyseenasotherscanlaterbeincludedinthewhitecategory,duetoeithertimeor

as a way to further marginalise other minorities (Silverstein 2005; Palumbo-Liu 1999).45

Ironically,for instance,Lillian,asecond-generationLebanesewoman,similarlyexperienced

the judgment of other people for being in a cross-border relationship and practising

marriage migration. She explained that when with her partner William, she was often

treatedas ‘white’,whilewithouthim;shewas ‘backtobeingaLeb.’.Emmaalsoobserved

thatwhileherfamily—andinparticularhergrandmotherandherparentswhentheywere

younger—wereperceivedasoutsidersbecauseof theirMediterraneanbackground,Emma

feltshewasbeingjudged‘asanAussieforbeingwithanAfrican’.

As the observations earlier in this section illustrate, women were perceived to be

vulnerable, lonely,desperate for love,andcravingattention.Whilewomengenerallywere

describedasnaïve,thereseemedtobeadifferencebetweenyoungerwomen,whowould

choose an ‘African’ partner to get attention from the outsideworld, especiallywith their

45Within an Australian context, one can think of the position and shifting status of Greek, Italian, German,Yugoslavian andVietnamesepopulationsover time, as theyhavebecomemore accepted, relative to newerimmigrantpopulations.

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‘cappuccinobabies’,while theolderwomenwereseenashaving ‘African’partners just to

havesomecompany.Whatbothgroupsofwomenshared,however,wasoftenaperceived

desperation,andaneedtorelyon ‘the last resort’ofchoosing—orhaving tobewith—an

‘African’man.Suchobservationsarecomparabletothequestioningofcross-bordercouples

in theNetherlands (Dragojlovic 2008) and Switzerland (Lavanchy2014). Inboth countries,

localwomeninsuchrelationshipswereimaginedtobenaïveandinneedofprotectionfrom

‘other men’ (Dragojlovic 2008). Moreover, the treatment of women in cross-border

relationshipscanbelinkedtotheideaof‘protectingthenation’.Inotherwords,becauseof

‘unfitwomen’,potentiallythreateningmenareenteringthecountry(Lavanchy2014:15).

Sometimes, other people’s imaginaries made women feel as if their intimate

relationships,and their children,wereundesired,orunwelcome.To initiateadiscussion, I

decided to sharemy questions and thoughts about the general acceptability of women’s

relationshipsonaFacebookpageformothersofAfrican-Australianchildren.46Iwondered,I

wrote, what reactions Australian women, with migrant partners, get regarding their

relationshipsandchildren,andhowitmakesthemfeel.Allthirteenwomenwhoresponded

saidthatmostofthereactionstheygetfromstrangersareabouttheirchildrenandbasedon

theirchildren’sdualheritage.Mostwomenfoundthatgenerally,commentswerepositive,

or simply ignorant and therefore not necessarily harmful. Simultaneously however, all

womendidhaveexperienceswithopenlyracistencounters.Whilesomewomentooksuch

experiencespersonally,andsometimesgotextremelyupsetaboutthem,otherwomensaid

theydidnotcareaboutsuchexperiences,butfiguredtheywere‘justpartoflife’.Ingeneral,

women in this discussion group felt that most people react because they see something

differentandneedsomeexplanationsforit‘tomakesense’.

Itseemedtodependontheindividualwhetherquestionsaboutwheretheirchildcomes

from were experienced as offensive. Some women in the Facebook discussion group

remembered theyhad laughed about thequestion, ‘wheredid you get your baby from?’,

46Thepurposeof thegroup is formothers to share tipsandadviceonhowtohandle thecurlyhairof theirchildren, what products to use, to share African recipes, etcetera. However, that there is a special groupcreated on Facebook, by Australian (and a few Africa-origin) women with African-Australian children, mayactuallyrevealtheir‘uniqueness’,orstandingoutoftheirnormativesurroundings.

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whichwouldhaveimpliedanassumptionofadoption,whereasotherwomenfeltthiswasa

highlyinappropriatequestion.Butalmostallwomenhadexperiencedstrangersreferringto

theirbabiesas‘it’:‘wheredidyougetitfrom?’,whichmadeallofthewomenfurious.While

allofthewomenhaddevelopedtheirownboundariesofacceptedbehaviourandquestions,

referring to their child as itwas generally toomuch tobear. There is a fine linebetween

racismandcuriosityandignorance,itseemed,andthislinewassometimesanobviousone.

Whilesomewomenwouldrespondtonegativecommentsbyignoringsuchrudestrangers,

othersgaveexamplesofhowtheywouldretortwithsharpandinsultingcomments.

The visibility, or saliency, of African-Australian ‘mixed’ babieswas remarkable. On the

one hand, women indicated that they experienced clear disgust from strangers when

noticingtheirbabies.Ontheotherhand,however,babieswereperceivedasextremelycute,

much cuter thanotherbabies.Oneday, as Iwashaving lunchwith a friend fromanEast

Africancountry,Iwasholdinghertwo-month-oldsonforacuddle.Seatednexttouswere

twowhitewomenintheirmid-sixtieswhocouldnothidetheirjoyatthesightofthechildin

myarms.Oneofthemstoodupandcametome,explainingshethoughtthisbabywasso

cuteandaskedifshecouldtakeaphotoforherdaughter,whohadworkedinanurseryin

Africaandwanteda‘cappuccinobaby’herself.WhenIansweredthatactuallymyfriendwas

theproudmother,thewomanactedasthoughshewassurprised,andwenttoaskher.From

her facial expression, I could tell that it was either less scary to ask me—a fellow white

woman—thanan‘African’personor,thatshewasabitdisappointedthatitwasnotawhite

motherwithabrownbaby. Ihada strong sense thatbothofmy feelingswere right.And

whilemyresponsetothewomanwasterse,myfriendreactedkindlyandsaidshedidnot

haveanyproblemswithhertakingaphoto.Later,myfriendtoldmeshedidnotknowwhat

tosay;shewantedtosayno,butshealsodidnotwanttobeunfriendlyorgivethewomena

‘bad feeling’. She wondered, however, how white people would react when strangers

wantedtotakephotosoftheirbabies.

In another instance, one of the interlocutors who had a child with her Africa-origin

partner was asked if her son could be in a photo for an advertisement for the local

swimmingschoolwheresheandherhusbandtooktheirsoneachweek.But, theydidnot

wanther,themother,tobeinthephoto;theyexplicitlyaskedfortheboy’sdadtobeinthe

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poolwiththeirson,withtheotherchildrenandparents.Whileshewasfinewithit,andso

was her partner, she did laugh about the occurrence, suggesting thatwho knows,maybe

theyjustwanted‘anAfricanbabyanddaddy’ inthephotoshoot.Whilethe intentionmay

havebeentobeinclusive,itisinterestingtoseehowuncomfortablesituationscanbecome

whenmultiple‘races’orculturesarepartofascene.Theswimmingpoolmanagermayhave

wanted a dad in between all the mothers present, or they may have wanted to reflect

Australia’smulticulturalsocietyintheiradvertisement.Butsimultaneously,thefirstquestion

thatcametohermindwas,‘Whythem?Becausetheyareblack?’.

Navigating instances of racialiation—whether relatively subtle or innocent as in the

swimming pool case or blatantly harmful as in the sometimes outright disapproval of

children—had become part of the daily routine for women in cross-border relationships.

Women(exceptforLillianandEmma,withMiddle-EasternandMediterraneanbackgrounds

respectively)hadneverfeltthisvisible;theyidentifiedacleardifferencebetweenbeingwith

theirpartnersand/or children,andbeingwithout them.Thevisibilityof couplesand their

children, the constant ‘being in the spotlight’, had both surprised and affected women

negatively.Whilewomenhadhopedforamundaneyethappyandromanticfamilylife,they

nowfelttheirrelationshipswereexposed,scrutinisedandquestioned.Butnotonlyinpublic

sphereswerewomenandcouplesthesubjectofscrutiny.Asthenextsectionillustrates,the

female partners’ Australian families also influenced the happiness of couples’ migration

journeys.

CouplesandAustralianrelatives

Fromwhatmy interlocutorssaid,amidstageneraldistrust,stemmingfrominstitutionalas

wellaseverydayracism,theirAustralianfamiliessometimeshaddifficultiesnavigatingcross-

borderrelationships.Familymembershadmixedfeelingsabouttheirintimatecross-border

relationships.Thisinturninfluencedpartners’senseoftogethernessandbelonging,andasa

result negatively affected the experienceof their relationships.While partners hadhoped

forhappyrelationshipsonceinAustralia,relativescouldobstructsuchromanticimaginings.

While in all cases therewas at least one familymember opposing the relationship, in

general, both partners described their Australian family as welcoming. Simultaneously,

couplesfeltthatanawkwardnesswasoftenpalpable.Somesponsoringwomenrecalledhow

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theirmothers‘simplyadored’theirpartner,and‘treatedhimashersonfromthemoment

shefirstmethim’.Often,womenwouldunderscorethisafterbreak-upsoccurred,seemingly

toemphasisehowawfulandpainfulthebreak-upwas—notonlyforsuchamother,butalso

forherfamily.Itseemedthatgenerallythewomen’sparentswereacceptingoftheirmigrant

sons-in-laws,althoughinthebeginningitmayhavebeendifficulttogetusedtothem,being

so ‘different’. One parent explained tome that it was hard for her sometimes, to speak

openlywhenher‘newAfricanson’wasaround,asshewasoverlyconcernedaboutwhatto

sayandwhatkindof jokeswouldbeappropriate. Shedidnot feel shewas racist,didnot

wanttocomeacrossassuch,andthussometimesoverthoughtwhatsheshouldorshould

not say. For other parents, however, that their daughter’s partner came from an African

countywasnotanissue.Someofthemshowedtheirinterestbycontributingfinanciallyto

theeducationofnephewsandnieces‘backhome’.Aselectnumberofparentsevenjoined

theirdaughtersandin-lawsforholidaysinAfrica.

Almostallthewomeninmystudyexplainedthattheirintimaterelationshipsmadethem

loseatleastonefriendorrelationshipwithafamilymember,eitherforaperiodoftimeor

forgood.Womenweresurprisedtoseethatsometimespeoplewhowereclosesttothem

turnedout tobe the leastacceptingof their relationships.Sometimes theirpartnerswere

simplynotwelcomeinwomen’ssocialcircles.Lillian,forinstance,wasonbadtermswitha

cousinwhoonlyinvitedher,andnotherhusbandWilliam,toherwedding.KevinandNatalie

were on particularly bad terms with her parents. Natalie had contacted me through the

Facebook page for African-Australian children’s mothers, showing her interest in an

interview.ShealsolivedinAdelaideandinvitedmeforlunchoneSunday.KevinandNatalie

had met each other—now over twenty years ago—at a mutual friend’s house-warming

party.Hewas an international student at that time, and theywere inseparable from that

moment on. Eventually, they applied for a Partner visa onshore. But her parents never

accepted him as part of the family, and after many years of trying tomake things work

betweentheparentsandthecouple,NatalieandKevingaveup.Evennow,Kevinfeltvery

sorryforNatalie,especiallyaroundholidayperiods,ashesaysitisbecauseofhimthatshe

cannotspendChristmaswithherparents.

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Butmore often, familymembers had expressed concerns about intimate relationships

thatweresometimeswellmeant,butsimultaneouslyborderlineracist.SophieandNaomi,

who at the time of my research were both in the midst of the visa application process,

explainedtomethattheirparentshadhaddifficultiestrustingtheirnewpartnersbecauseof

what had happened in the past. Both Sophie and Naomi had sponsored men from the

African continent before, and both ex-husbands had turned out to be less loving and

trustworthy than they appeared to be in the beginning. Back then, their parents had

welcomedthehusbands‘withopenarms’,and‘treatedthemlikesons’.Thattheyturnedout

to be bad husbands, who both women suspect married them only for the visa, was a

devastatingexperiencenotonly for them,but for theirparents too.Now, theirdaughters

had fallen in lovewith yet another ‘African’man. The parents could not understandwhy

their daughterswouldwant to go through the samehardship again.How could they give

away their hearts to another ‘African’ man? Did they not learn anything? Both women

explained that theirex-husbandshad ruined theirparents’ trust in ‘African’men.As such,

theyhadgreatdifficultiesaccepting theirdaughters’newrelationships,andopeningupto

gettoknowthenewmenintheirlives.

Itmaybe that the families’experienceshadshownthatparticularmigrantex-partners

werenottobetrusted.Atthesametime,itseemedthatparentswereanxiousabouttheir

daughters marrying a foreigner as it inherently meant starting a new visa procedure,

arrangingthemigrationandhavingtoseteverythingupforthisperson.Internationalloveis

a huge project, financially aswell as emotionally, and I suspect that parents preferred to

keep things easy and running smoothly for their daughters. Furthermore, both women

recalled the disarray they were in when they separated from their first husbands; it had

takenthemyearstogetoverthefeelingsofpainandbetrayal.Parentshadseenclearlyhow

devastatedtheirdaughtershadbeenandasaresult,itseemedveryhardforthemtotrusta

new ‘African’ man. For the parents of one of these women, it took months, but they

eventuallydidacceptthenewhusband.Fortheotherparents,theywerestillnotreadyto

opentheirarmstotheirdaughter’snewhusband.

TheAustralianfamily’sopinionabouttherelationshipmatteredtobothpartners.When

talkingwithmigrantmen,especially,thein-lawswereamuch-discussedtopic.Contactwith

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theAustralianfamilywasregular,asallofthemlivedinAustralia,almostalwaysinthesame

city, andeveryone spokeEnglish.Almostallmencaredabout their relationshipwith their

newfamily,especiallysincethejourneyofmarriagemigrationmeanttheywerefarremoved

fromtheirownfamilies.Manymensaidhowwelcomingtheirpartner’sparentswereorhad

been, especially in the beginningwhen they first arrived and did not knowmany people.

Fatherswouldtakethemonfishingtripsorteachthemaboutthebarbie,47andasfamilies

theywouldgoforahikeoronacampingtrip.Forthosemenwhogotalongwellwiththeir

in-laws,break-upscausedadditionalsadnessas italsomeantnotbeingpartofthat family

anymore. Daniel recalled how he had not seen is ex-partner’s mother again since the

separation,whichwascausinghimpainandguilt.Hehadfeltthathermotherhadbeen‘like

amothertome’.Hewouldvisitheratleastonceaweektohelpherwitherrandsaroundthe

house,doshoppingforher,orjustforacupofcoffee.Hefeltthat‘shehadtogetusedto

mefirst,becauseshewasnotusedtoblackpeople,butsoonwewerelikebestfriends’.

Like Daniel, some men felt apologetic towards their in-laws about their break-up.

However,inthreecases,menstatedthatthein-lawsweretheveryreasonfortheirdivorce.

Elijah,forinstance,hadnothingpositivetosayabouthisin-laws.Heexplainedtomethathis

ex-partner’sparentswouldalwaysdisparagehim,tellingherthathewasnogood,notgood

enoughforher,andeventuallymakingtheirdaughterthinkthesameabouthim.Similarly,

Jacobhadbadexperienceswithhispreviousin-laws.Accordingtohim,hisnowex-wifehad

been too attached to her parents and the three of themnevermade space for him. This

madehimfeelevenmoreofanoutsider,himaloneagainstherandherfamily.Healsotold

meaboutan incidentwherehesaidthathis father-in-law invadedhisprivacy.Apparently,

one day while his wife had been at work, Jacob was bored and decided to smoke some

marijuanainthebackyard.Heemphasisedthat,becausehewassittingathomeeveryday,all

byhimself,hefeltlikesmoking,whichheclaimedhewouldnotdoifhehadajob.Onthat

particularday,whilstsittingoutside,hesawthefemaleneighboursintheadjacentyardand

heinvitedthemover.Suddenly,hewentontotellme,hisfather-in-lawarrived.Jacobwas

now using wild arm gestures to indicate the scope of the situation. ‘He caught me by

47Thebarbie isAustralianslangforBarbecue.Amongstotherthingssuchasthetoolshedandthesurfboard,thebarbecueisatoolinherentlyrelatedtoAustralianmasculinity(seefurtherinHibbings&Pease2009).

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surprise!’,Jacobexclaimed.‘Ididnothearhimcoming!’WhatbotheredJacobisthatwhile

hisfather-in-lawhadpromisednottotellothermembersofthefamily,withoutJacobasking

himtodothis,hisfather-in-lawtoldhiswife,whothentoldtheirdaughter.Jacobsaidthat

this incidenthaddisappointedhim.Fromthatmoment,hesaidhe‘neverreallywantedto

seeherparentsanymore,somywifehadtogobyherself’,ifshewantedtovisitthem.

It appears that cross-border relationships oftentimes produced tensions within family

dynamics,albeittovariousextents.Whilemostfamilymemberswerenotopposedtocross-

border relationships, and most in fact were supportive, interactions could be tense and

uncomfortable. Such instances are comparable to ‘hopeful intercultural encounters’ as

discussedbyAmandaWise(2005).Shedescribesthecomplicatednatureofactually‘doing’

everyday multiculturalism on a micro level in a Sydney suburb. While exploring the

complexity of multiculturalism as ‘place-sharing, of cross-cultural interaction, or

multiculturalismof inhabitance’,Wisevividly illustrates thestrugglesanddisjunctures that

inhabitants of the suburb navigate (2005: 171). It is these navigations she calls ‘hopeful

interculturalencounters’(Wise2005:171).

Wise illustrateshowchanges inthemulticulturalcompositionofa locationcancausea

sense of unfamiliaritywith the specific social field, a ‘rupture in the locality and forms of

sociality’thatwereoncefamiliartoresidents(2005:176).48Inhabitantsfeelthatbecauseof

‘invadingothers’, theyare lost inaplace thatwasoncecomfortable to themand theyno

longer possess the ‘bodily habitual knowledge to reproduce [the neighbourhood] as a

locality for themselves’ (ibid.). Still, Wise calls encounters ‘hopeful’, as her ethnography

revealsthateventhoughinhabitantsofthesuburbstrugglewithdifference—the‘everyday

togetherness-in-difference’ (Ang 2001) or the ‘multicultural real’ (Hage 1998)—they

neverthelesspossessasharedsenseofhopefulnessforbelongingwithinthedifference.Ina

similar vein, my data suggests that on the micro level of the family, the ‘Africanness’

(difference)ofthemigrantpartnerwasareasonfordiscomfortandtensionsinanotherwise

familiar locality. Because of this ‘Africanness’, the welcoming of the partner was either

48InhabitantsforinstancefeeltheyarenotwelcomeinthenewChinesesupermarkets,astheshopsaredarkerthantheyareusedto,useMandarinadvertisements,anddonotknowhowto interactwithnewneighboursfromadifferentethnicbackground.

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granderorminimal, thebetrayalofthebreak-upbecamemorescandalous,andAustralian

womenhadbecomemoreconsciousabouttheirparents’attitudetowardstheirpartners.In

turn, such instances of racialisation negatively affected couples’wellbeing. But itwas not

only Australian families that were uncomfortable with cross-border couples; African

relatives,also,expressedconcernsanduneasiness.

CouplesandtheirAfricanrelatives

When I asked migrant men what their relatives thought of their relationship with their

sponsoringpartnersorex-partners,men’sinitialresponseswerethattheyabsolutelydidnot

have any problems whatsoever with their cross-border relationships.49When I asked the

men toelaborate,however,prejudicesbecamepalpable. Somemenexplained thatat the

beginning of their relationships, relatives raised concerns. ‘White women’ would be ‘too

controlling’,wouldemasculatemenby forcing themtodohousehold tasks,andwouldbe

‘crazyandwild’.Moreover, itwas feared thatwomenwould limit contact, andwouldnot

knowanythingabouttheirculture.Ialsoheardthatsomemenhadbeencalledtraitorsfor

beingwithawhitewoman,thatwhitewomenwouldhavea‘coldvagina’,meaningthatthey

wouldbecold-hearted,strictandimpassionate.Lastly,menwouldbewarnedthatthehigh

level of divorce rates in Anglo-European countriesmeant that such relationships were of

highrisk,andthat ‘Westernpeoplemarryfor[temporary]contracts’.Yetnoneofthemen

reported having lost friends or connections with relatives because of their cross-border

relationships.

AccordingtoEthan,anEastAfricanfriendlivinginMelbourne,andwithapassionformy

research topic, ‘African families’weremore strongly affectedby the journeysofmarriage

migration thanwere the Australian families. One evening, over a glass of redwine at his

househeexplainedthatmarryingawhitewomanmaynotnecessarilybea‘badthing’,butit

does imply a break with traditions and family structuring. He emphasised how in many

placesinAfrica,marriageconcernsfamiliesinsteadofindividuals,andrequiresdowriesand

49Noneof the couples’African relatives lived inAustralia.While contactwith themwasnotnecessarily lessfrequent or intense, it was certainly different to that with the Australian family due to the geographicaldistance.

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othernegotiationsbetweenthetwofamilies involved.‘Interculturalmarriagesdonotfit in

thistraditionalframework’,Ethanfelt,asfamilieswouldbeunfamiliarwitheachotherand

withtheir respectivetraditions.Hewentontosay (andothermale interlocutorsgenerally

agreed) that though exogamousmarriagesmay be disappointing to some relatives, there

seemstobeageneralunderstandingandacceptancethattraditionsareimpossibletokeep

inplacewhenmarryinga foreigner.Thus,whileAfrican familieshad topartwithnotonly

theirsonsandbrothers,butalsowithcertainmarriagetraditions,Australianfamiliesdidnot

sharesuchexperiencesofloss.

Itseemedthatbendingordepartingfrommarriagetraditionshadmuchtodowithgeo-

political circumstances and power relations. Indeed, while marrying an Anglo-European

woman,meanttherewasthedisappointmentduetohisrelocationtoAustralia,butitoften

also meant upward social mobility for the men and their families. When conducting

fieldwork for my MPhil degree on cross-border relationships among Zanzibari men and

European women in Zanzibar in 2011, it became clear that members of the society first

scoldedmenwhochosetomarryEuropeanwomen.Theirwaysofmeetingupwithforeign

women on the tourist beaches of the otherwise deeply religious Zanzibar often involved

drinking alcohol, using drugs, and pre- and extramarital sex. However, the moment they

‘succeeded’andmarriedaEuropeanwoman,theirstatuschangedfrombeinganoutlawto

anestablishedman.Maybetheir familiesstilldidnotagreewithhowtheyhadobtaineda

partner, but now the men had become the main providers for their families and were

suddenlywealthier than othermen. Thiswealth camewith power and status, and family

members had no other choice than to respect thesemen formaking possible things that

otherwise would not have been dreamt of, like sending siblings, nieces and nephews to

private schoolsandbeingable toafford to stay inhospitalwhen familymembersgot sick

(Hoogenraad2012).

NoneofthemigrantmenwhowereorhadbeeninrelationshipswithAustralianwomen

wouldapplythistotheirownsituationandthisseemedtoatleastpartlystemfromafearof

being labelled as insincere and a ‘bad’ husband—one who would marry for money and

status instead of love. However, more generally, many agreed that power relations had

shifted. Aswillbedescribedinthenextchapter,whichfocusesspecificallyonmigrantmen’s

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experiences with marriage migration, all but one of the men came from lower socio-

economic backgrounds and all of them kept sending home as many remittances as they

could,tomeettheever-increasingpressureofdemands.Itwasnottheirrelationshipperse

that increasedtheirpower,butthefactthatthroughtheirrelationshiptheymigrated,and

thusincreasedtheirfinancialpositionofpowerwithintheirfamilies.

OlderandconservativeAfrica-originmigrantswhodidnotpractisemarriagemigration,

andwithwhom Ihad informal conversationsaboutmarriage,elaboratedat lengthon the

manydeeply rooted cultural traditions surrounding theirmarriagepractices.50Butwhile it

would be expected that marriage migration and cross-border relationships turn family

structuresandtraditionsupsidedown,migrantmenmarriedtosponsoringwomendidnot

necessarily give me this impression. Male marriage migrants as well as other migrants,

acknowledgedthatupholdingtraditionsmaybetheidealsituation,butitwasoftennotvery

realistic.51Forinstance,participantstoldmethatwhileideallyadowrywasorganisedwhen

acoupleweremarried,thisoftendidnothappen,duetothefamilies’inabilitytoaffordsuch

practices.Furthermore,recentliteratureonintimacyinAfricanlocalitiesshowshowyounger

generations (but also throughout history) choose to marry for love rather than family

obligations(forexample,seeCole&Thomas2009;Spronk2006).YoungAfricanswouldbe

looking for partnership, compatibility and passion, rather than formarriages arranged by

theirfamilymembersandforreasonsotherthanlove.AndthisiswhatallthemigrantmenI

interviewed did: they chose their partners themselves and themain reason, they argued,

wasadesireforloveandintimacy.

Whilesomefamiliesmayhavepreferredalocalmarriage,thereseemedtobeageneral

understandingthatthepowerofglobalisationchangesmarriagepatterns.Gerald,anolder

manwhocametoAustraliaasastudentandobtainedresidencythrougharelationshipwith

50Literature onmarriage on the continent of Africa emphasises the lively traditions of arrangedmarriages,negotiations,dowriesandformalfestivitiesonmultipleweddingdays(seeforinstanceHunter2016;Solivetti1994;Stiles2005).

51Tradition,ofcourse,isnotsomethingstaticbutrather,isadynamicconstructinfluencedindiverseways.Forinstance,seeBochowandvanDijk(2012)ontheinfluenceofPentecostalismontraditionalmarriagesystemsinAfricancontexts.

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asponsoringpartnerclaimedthat‘before,intheolddays,peopleonlymarriedwithintheir

region.Butlaterpeoplestartedmarryingpeoplefromotherpartsofthecountry,andthatis

aninterculturalmarriage,too!’Geraldenthusiasticallysummedupexamplesfromhishome

countrywherepeoplefromdifferentethnicgroupsintermarried.Inhistinykitchen,hewas

busycooking,anduseda loudvoicetomakehimselfheardoverthesizzlingpansofmeat,

rice and vegetables that he later presented tomeashis ‘local food’.Gerald continued to

explainthat,‘ifyouarefromthesouthandyoumarryagirlfromthenorth,youdonotknow

herlanguage,herreligion,herstaple[foods]andhercustoms’.Geraldfeltthatcross-border

marriages, whether inter-ethnic or international, are a ‘normal and unstoppable

development’resultingfromimprovedinfrastructureandglobalisation.

Cross-border relationships transformed families into transnational families. From the

perspective of back home, men told me that this was often regretted. Migrants started

familiesinAustraliaandchildrenwereraisedasAustralians.Eventhoughallcouplesfocused

on and celebrated their children’s African heritage, the Australian contextmade them as

Australianastheirschoolclassmates.Whileparentssometimestookchildrenonholidaysto

their father’s country of origin, read them African stories and children’s books, let them

taste regionspecific foodand took themtoAfrican-themedevents, childrenoftendidnot

speak their father’s language,andhad littleunderstandingof specificnormsandcustoms.

Theregretforthefamilybackhomewasthattheywereincreasinglyunabletoconnectwith

newmembersofthefamily,andtieswiththeirson’sAustralianfamilywerebecomingless

tangible.

Women generally preferred Australia for its comfortable living, safety and schooling

system,andbecauseofclosenesstotheirAustralianfamilies.Whilemanywomenhadeither

livedinortravelledtotheirpartner’shomecountry,andhadmethisfamily,allbutoneof

thewomendidnot see living thereasagoodor realisticoption.Migrantpartnersagreed

that Australiawas the best option for living, even though theymight still hold dreams of

buildingahousebackhomeandperhapsevenretiringthere.Onewoman,amotheroftwo

whohadvisitedherpartner’shomea few times,explained tome that shedidnot feelat

easewhen she visitedhis parents, as shedidnot speak the language, and thus couldnot

communicate with anyone. When I asked her why she did not learn the language, she

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explainedthatitwastoodifficult.Also,the‘practicalstuff’wasdifficultforher.Forinstance,

shewasunfamiliarwiththewaysofcookingandcleaning,whichmadeherfeelreluctantand

toouncomfortabletoattempttoparticipate.Manywomensharedsuchfeelingsofunease

towardstheirpartner’sorex-partner’sfamilyandhomecountry.52Simultaneously,however,

mostwomenunderscoredthe importanceofregularcontact,andurgedorat leastagreed

thattheyasacoupleshouldhelptosupportthefamilyfinancially.

Thediscomfortwomenexperiencedwhenvisitingthehomecountriesoftheirpartners

helps explain women’s hesitation withmoving there permanently. The language, culture,

customs—almost everything—were considered ‘different’ and therefore uncomfortable. It

wasaplacethatwomengenerallydidnotprefertobeinandthereforedidnotwanttovisit

often.Inasimilarvein,encounterswithAfricancommunityorganisations53inAustraliaalso

caused a sense of ill ease among women. While African community organizations were

mostly happy andpleasurable places formostmigrantmen, they often caused strains on

cross-borderrelationships.Iwillturntosuchexperiencesinthenextsection.

AfricancommunitiesinAustraliaandeverydayracism

One of themain reasons that African community organisations caused discomfort among

sponsoring women was because they directly challenged the authority and taken-for-

granted-ness of whiteness in Australia. It seemed that in a generally white all-Australian

context,with theirpartner’s family far awayon theother sideof theworld, theirpartner

would act in similar ways to them and women would feel comfortable in the setting.

However,atanAfricancommunityfunction,thepresenceandinfluenceoffellowmigrants

52Otherreasonsgivenforthisuneasewere: thefoodwouldbebad, thecountrywouldbetoopoorandtoobusy,anditwouldbeboringsincewomendidnotspeakthelanguage.

53TherearemanydifferentAfricancommunityorganisationsinAustralia,mostofthemcountryspecific.Suchorganisationsprovidevariouskindsofsupportformigrants,andcanfunctionasasurrogatefamily,asa‘homeaway from home’. The committees of such organisations make sure to organise social events on country-specificpublicholidays,orat leastoccasionally, tokeepcommunitiesconnected.While relativelymanymenattendedcommunityeventsasoftenaspossibletoexperienceasenseofbelonging,afewmenwerenotthatinterested as they felt that such communities acted as agents of unnecessary social control, were narrowminded,orsimplyuninteresting.Nevertheless,mostcouplescrossedpathswiththeircountry-specificAfricancommunityregularly.

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fromthesamehomecountryseemedtoremindwomenoftheothernessoftheirpartner.

Eileen, over our long lunch in a café in aMelbourne suburb, explained this tome. In the

communitysetting,herpartnerwouldwanderoffwithothermen,chattingandjokinginan

unfamiliar language,while shewouldbe leftwithwomenshebarelyknewandwhomshe

couldnotunderstand.Sheexperiencedtheseeventsas‘hardwork’,whereshehadtokeep

on smiling while getting grumpier by the minute as she became more and more self-

consciousand feelingmoreandmoreoutofplace.Sherecalledhowespeciallyduring the

first years of their relationship, she had to get used to the fact that in this setting, her

partnerfeltmostateasewhileshewasverytenseandfeltthatitwasdifficultforhertobe

understood.

Womenoftenperceivedthesecommunityeventsasplaceswheretheywerenotreadily

accepted,andwheretheywerejudgedasnotbeinggoodenough.Womensaidtheyinitially

felt that they had achieved a greatmilestone to be invited to events, as they thought it

meanttheywerebeingconsideredasgoodpartnersinseriousrelationships.However,once

they began taking part, the women experienced problems with group dynamics, with

language,gossipandjudgements,andageneralfeelingofbeingoutofplace.Whenoneday

I went grocery shopping at the Adelaide markets, I met Emma. She asked me how my

researchwasgoing,andItoldherIwaswritingaboutAfricancommunityorganisations.She

sighedandelaboratedonherexperiences.WhileEmmahadbeenmarriedtoherpartnerfor

over15years,shetoldmethatinthefirstyearsoftheirmarriage,shefeltthatwomeninhis

country-specificcommunitymadethingsparticularlydifficultforher.Sherecountedthatshe

felttheywerejudgingherfornotbeinginvolvedenough,fornotknowingthelanguageand

fornotcookingfoodinthecorrectways.Shefeltthatthewomenwere‘harsherbecauseI

amAustralian’.Aftera fewyearsEmmasaid that thingsgoteasier,but thatshestill ‘does

notreallylookforwardtocommunityevents’.

Itseemedtothewomen,thatthevariouscommunityorganisationsactedasgatekeepers

and set the boundaries of group belonging. It was clear to the women that they would

perhaps never be able to fully cross those boundaries. Interestingly, none of themigrant

men viewed their communities as scrutinising their relationship choices. Like Emma,

Charlotte felt she was only accepted by the community eventually, after she had shown

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herself tobeagoodpartnerbyremainingwithhimforanumberofyears.BothCharlotte

andEmmafeltthatwomenwhopersistintheirrelationship,whoshowtheirgoodintensions

andefforts andwho candemonstrate theyare goodwomenandwiveswill eventuallybe

acceptedasmembersofthecommunity.However,womenwhoserelationshipshadended

often felt they were not welcome in the community without their partner, indicating to

themthattheyneverreallybelongedinthis‘African’sphereinthefirstplace.

Sponsoringwomenfeltthatitwaslesslikelyforthemtobeconsideredagoodpartner,

than it would be for womenwith an African background, and often feltmore judged by

‘African’women thanmen. Alice,who hadmet her ex-partner in Adelaidewhere hewas

studyingtobecomeanurse,hadfounditdifficulttogetalongwithwomeninhernowex-

partner’s community organisation. They had been together for just over a year, and had

beenpreparingfortheirapplicationforaPartnervisa,ashisstudentvisawasduetoexpire.

Unfortunately,theirplansdidnoteventuateastheyhaddriftedapartasromanticpartners.

Atthetime,Alicesaidthatshehadfeltthatshehadnothingincommonwithwomeninthe

community. She felt that she was ‘not as submissive as they are, I do not like all that

women’sstuff’.Whilesheemphasisedshediddo‘lotsofhousework’andcooked,shealso

likedto‘hangoutanddrinkbeer,insteadofjustbeinginthekitchenthewholeday’.

From such accounts, it became apparent that some female partners had the sense of

beingjudgedbasedontheirownpresumptionsabout‘African’genderscripts.54Womenfelt

insecure, as they couldnotmeetwhat they thoughtwere the conditionsof being a good

partner,thattheyfeltwerebeingimposeduponthembythepartnersofothermigrantmen.

Itisuncleartomewhethertheseotherfemalepartnersmayhavehadsuchintentions.But

thevisible joymigrantmenexperiencedduringsocialeventswithothers fromtheirhome

countryclearlyindicatedthatmenwereateasewithotherAfrica-originmigrants.Notonly

didmenseemtohavetheirclosestfriendsthere,theycouldalsoenjoysuchthingsastheir

‘own’ food and their ‘own’music. Sponsoringpartners sometimes read this enjoyment as

their partners being more comfortable with people, including women, from their home

54Thatsponsoringwomenmainlycomplainedaboutotherwomenmayalsobeduetothegenderedscriptsofsuchcommunity-ledeventswheremenmainlyminglewithothermen,andwomensharemostinteractionwithotherwomen.

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country,thanwiththemintheirownhousehold.Africancommunities,andinparticulartheir

femalemembers,seemedtohavetheabilitytoformathreattoAustralianwomen,andasa

result,tocouples’wellbeing.

That sponsoring women felt threatened by female members of African community

organisations,alongwiththedifficultiestheyhadinparticipatinginthesegroupsmadethe

women feel uncomfortable; in these community contexts the women’s otherwise

unquestionable white hegemonic position had now disappeared. African community

organisationsturnedthewomen’shegemonicpositionupsidedown;theyhadbecomethe

minority, which alsomade them feel uncomfortable. As a response to such a distressing

position,women,likeAliceabove,startedtocategoriseandstereotype.Harrison(1995:63)

argues that the ‘cultural dominance ofwhiteness’ cannot be challenged and quotes from

Ruth Frankenburg (1993): ‘In times of perceived threat, the normative group may well

attempt to reassert its normativity by asserting elements of its cultural practice more

explicitly and exclusively’. Women such as Alice and Emma, when questioning or

commenting on gender roles, seemed to try to emphasise the legitimacy of their own

culturalgenderedpractices.

Cross-borderrelationshipswerenotalwayswelcomedwithopenarms.Whentalkingto

otherAfrica-originmigrantsabout cross-border relationships, I sometimesnoticeddistrust

and feelingsof ambivalence related tomoral perceptionsof intimate relationships.Often,

when talking about my research, the topic of sham marriages came up. As earlier

mentioned, the ideaof shammarriagesare reinforcedbystories thatcirculateaboutmen

fromdifferentpartsofAfricawhoenterintoformalrelationshipswithAustralianwomenfor

visa purposes only. It seemed to be common knowledge that international students, for

instance, use marriage to an Australian as a way of gaining permanent residency. 55

Furthermore,itappearedtobeawell-knownfactthat‘desperateAustralianwomen’would

go to Africa and bring back a husband, or find their Africa-origin partner on dating sites.

According to this perception, thesemigrant partnerswould be separated as soon as they

55Duringfieldwork,photosandvideoswerebeingsharedonsocialmedia,depictingmucholderand/orobesewhitewomenwithhandsomeyoungblackmen,withcaptionssomethinglike‘it’svisatimeagain’.

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gained their permanent residency. This stereotypeofAnglo-Europeanwomen in insincere

relationshipsmay be the backdrop againstwhich sponsoringwomen in relationshipswith

migrantmenweremeasured.However, itseemedthatalthoughwomen,asoutsiders, felt

judged bymembers of African community organisations, it was actually the cross-border

relationships that were being scrutinised. Such interactions with African community

organisations, like everyday encounters with strangers and relatives in Adelaide and

Melbourne, indicated a general questioning of the genuineness of cross-border couples

practisingmarriagemigration.

Conclusion

This chapter focused on the ways in which everyday racism and prejudice obstructed

couples’ wish to live a happy life after marriage migration to Australia. Instances of

racialisation were entrenched in everyday lives and were encountered in many ordinary

situations.Thediscomfortthatcouples,familymembersandstrangersexperiencedbecause

of the interracial character of the relationships led to feelings of non-belonging among

partners.Interlocutorswereparticularlyconfrontedwithwhitenessandtheeffectsoftheir

defiancefromthisnorm.Theconsequencesofwhitenessandracialisationamongmigrants

are well-documented (Noble 2005;Wise 2005; Noble and Poynting 2010; Ramsay 2017).

Suchstudiesreinforcetheexperiencesofmymaleinterlocutors.Thischapterdemonstrated

that because of their cross-border relationships, sponsoring women encountered an

unexpected and uncomfortable visibility, as well as acts of racialisation. As couples, both

partners felt non-belonging and judgements in numerous contexts in which they were

involved,includingfamilylifeandsocialgroups.

The data presented above demonstrates a blurry line between everyday racism and

everyday prejudice. Generally speaking, ‘prejudice or related terms refer to negative

attitudesorbehaviourstowardsapersonbecauseofhisorhermembershiptoaparticular

group’ (Augoustinos & Reynolds 2001: 2). Traditionally, the term prejudice had a value

dimension,describing it asbad,unjustifiedor irrational.More recently, however, scholars

usemoreneutral termstodefineprejudiceasbias,or ingroupfavouritism(Augoustinos&

Reynolds 2001). It is this sense of ingroup favouritism thatwe see in both the Australian

women’sexperiencesofothernesswhentheyareseeninpublicwiththeirmigrantpartner

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as well as their experiences of feeling like outsiders when they struggle to fit into the

normativesocialityofAfricancommunityorganisations.

The notion of everyday prejudice is also significant because, as described, there is a

sense of protectionism at work among the family and community members who are

associatedwiththeintimatecouples.Thisprotectionismresultsfromconcernsforwellbeing

that stem from fears stoked by stories heard and prejudices displayed elsewhere. At the

sametimethesewell-meaningconcernsandprejudicesarealsofuelledbyeverydayracism.

Thisbecameevidentfor instancewhenwomenwerewarnedforbeingwith ‘African’men,

bothtoprotectthewomen,aswellasto ‘protectthenation’ (Lavanchy2014)from‘other

men’ (Dragojlovic 2008). Such narratives highlight that while prejudices, regarded as bias

and stereotypes, need to be differentiated from racism as the latter involves power

dynamics,inpeople’severydaylives;thetwotermsarenoteasilydistinguishableandoften

interrelated. Cognitive processes that underlie prejudice can partly derive from socio-

historicalideasandideologiesaboutraceandculture.

Forcross-bordercouples,marginalisationineverydaylifewasyetanotherunanticipated

obstructionthatmadecouples’livestogetherlesshappythantheyhadpreviouslyimagined.

Not only did couples experience institutional racismwhen applying for a Partner visa (as

described in the previous chapter), everyday racism and prejudices experienced in their

everyday lives also negatively influenced couples. There is the potential for such social

obstacles to affect the interpersonal and intimate connection between partners. This is

considered further in the two chapters to come, which describe the ways in which the

journey of marriage migration has an insidious effect on romantic imaginaries of happy

relationships. Both men and women experienced their intimate relationships as

disappointing, rather than the optimistic happily ever after they had anticipated. Such

disappointments were often related to ideas surrounding masculinity and femininity—

constructs severely affected by migration journeys. Sponsoring women’s disappointing

realitieswillbeillustratedinChapter6.First,thenextchapterdescribeshowmigrantmen

were affected by the migration journey, which influenced their ability to be ‘good’ and

happyhusbands.

Chapter5:Migrantmen’sexpectationsanddisappointmentsofintimaterelationshipsineverydaylife

Introduction

ThischapterdescribeshowwhilemigrantmenhadexpectedtheirlivesinAustraliaandwith

their partner to be good, comfortable and happy, life in Australia turned out to be

unexpectedly hard. The chapter is specifically concerned with the ways in which male

marriagemigrantstriedtomakesenseoftheirextremelycomplexandunstablepositionof

conjugality in a not yet established context. The everyday lived experiences in Australia

turnedouttobeverydifferentfromwhattheyexpectedandhadimaginedandundermined

their sense of what it means to be a man and a husband. Intercultural relationships

magnifiedthehardshipsfacedwithinthealreadydifficultcontextofmigration.Genderroles

and power balances changed and became unequal through the process of marriage

migration,whichbestowedunforeseenpoweronAustralianspouses.

Inwhatfollows,Ielaborateonvariousthemestodrawacommonnarrativeamongthe

18malemigrantinterlocutors.First,Iturnmyattentiontothegenderedexpectationsmen

hadoftherelationshipwiththeirAustralianpartners.Then,Iturntotheexperiencesofthe

male marriage migrants regarding sociality, work and finances, and class in relation to

marriage migration. Finally, I elaborate on the ways men experienced their Australian

partners as too controlling and the strategies they used to counter such perceived

emasculation. Before I turn to the empirical part of the chapter, I provide a model of

masculinitiesthatframesmydiscussiononmen’ssenseofself.Ofspecificimportanceisthe

workofEstherGallo (2006)onmarriageandmasculinityamongMalayalimalemigrants in

Italy, and that of KatherineCharsley (2005) on ‘unhappyhusbands’, a term she coined to

describe Pakistani marriage migrants to the United Kingdom. Both authors describe how

menperceivemarriagemigrationasanambiguouspractice,severelyaffectingtheirsenseof

self.

Themodelof ‘unhappyhusbands’servesasablueprintforthischapter.LikeCharsley’s

participants,malemarriagemigrantswereoftennotpreparedforthedifficultiestheyfaced

Migrantmen’sexpectationsanddisappointmentsofintimaterelationshipsineverydaylife

120

in Australia, which were often related to cultural, social and economic factors. Below, I

illustrate the ways in which marriage migration to Australia turned men into unhappy

husbands/partners.Thisisimportantsinceoften,migrantmenareseenasmarryingforvisa

purposes instead of romantic reasons, and often, men’s experiences with marriage

migrationareoverlookedasapossiblefactorinexplainingrelationshipbreakdown.

IbeginbydrawingonLiam’snarrativeafterbeinginAdelaideforalmostoneyear.Liam

encounteredparticularlyhardtimesabouthalfwaythroughmyresearch.Wemeteachother

everyweekforafewmonths,andeachtimehepouredhisheartout.Hewashappyhecould

finallysharehisworriesandproblemswithsomeone,asheotherwisefeltextremelyisolated

in Adelaide. This fragment comprises our conversations over a few weeks’ time. Liam’s

situation—common for the men I interviewed—sums up the many ways in which the

journey of marriage migration is experienced as unexpectedly difficult, not as happy as

imagined.

Lookingforhappiness,findingsadness

ForLiam,themovetoAustraliahasbeenratherunsettling.Infact,themovehasbeenhighly

disturbing in so many ways, and quite unexpectedly. Prior to migration, the prospect of

movingtoAustraliaseemedtobeexcitingandwiththeopportunitytoimprovehislifestyle

significantly(afterall,anythingispossibleintheWest!Thethingsyoucando!Thehouseyou

willbelivingin!Theplacesyoucango!).Butbeingthere, itseemslikearatherdepressing

place:nooneisonthestreet,especiallyintheeveningwhenpeoplearesupposedtocome

outside.Andwhilehewantstoexplorethecitycentre,nightlife,shopsandthewholearea,

hiswifesuddenlyisnotinterestedingoingforadanceorgoingoutmuchatall.

Hedoesnothave a job and sonotonly are thedays very long, but also, hedoesnot

makeanymoney.Nothavingmoneyisveryworrying,ashewantedtokeeponprovidingfor

hisfamilybackhome:peoplearedependingonhimandhefeelsthepressuregettingmore

intenseastheweekspass.Ithasnowbeenalmostayearwithoutajob;howcanhejustify

this to his family back home?Also, he does not particularly feel like a good husband.He

cannotsurprisehiswifewithagift,helpherpayabillorgetthegroceries.Basically,hedoes

nothing, foranyone. It isastressfulsituation,andwithdaysthat long,he justcannothelp

butwanttodrinkabeerandsmokeacigarettetoeasehismind.

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Liam feels that sincehe isnotaddinganything to theirmarriage,hemust listen tohis

wifeanddowhatsheistellinghim,asotherwisehelooksungrateful.Butitisnotthatheis

ungrateful;hejustdoesnotfeelverywelllately.Gettingoutofbedinthemorninghasbeen

reallydifficult.Afterall, there isno job togo to,andwhat is thepointofwakingupearly

whenthereisyetanotherdayofnothingahead?Thelongerhefeelsheisthisuseless,the

moreheworries,itseems.Somemarijuanawillmakehimfeelmorerelaxed.

HedidmeetsomeotherAfrica-originmentheotherday.Hewaswalkingonthestreetto

gototheshopwhensomeoneshoutedsomethingtohim.Itturnedoutthattheywerefrom

thesameregionashim!Theywillbegoingtothecitythisweekendandtheyaskedhimto

jointhem.Hewasveryexcitedaboutit:finally,hemadesomefriendsofhisown!Butwhen

hegothomeandtoldthehappynewstohiswife,sherespondedinacoldway,sayingthat

hedidnotevenknowthem,andhedidnothaveanymoneytobuybeer,andapparently,

theyweretogotoadinnerwithherfamilyanywayonthedayconcerned.Hewill tell the

men that he cannot come with them.What a silly thing to do: to set up a plan for the

weekend himself, to even think he was capable of planning something. He should have

thoughtaboutthefactthatthereisnomoneyforhimtogoout,andhewassoinconsiderate

tonot thinkabout thepossibilityofotherplansalreadymade.Henow feelsashamed:he

thinksthathecannotdoanythinginaproperway.Hiswifeisalwayscomplaining,andsheis

right;whatcanhedoright,thesedays?Nothing!Whateverhedoesisnevergoodenough.

Sometimes,beforeopeninghiseyes,hewisheshe iswakingup inhishometown,and

that the Australia-adventure had turned out to be just a dream. If he knew how hard it

wouldbetomovehere,hewouldreallyhavegivenitalotofthoughtbeforedoingso.But

hecannotgobacknow.NotonlydoeshepraytoGodthattherelationshipwillgetbetter,

leavingnowwouldalsomeanthatheleavesbehindhischild.IfheleftAustralia,itwouldbe

almostimpossibletocomebacktovisithischild,asvisasareveryhardtoobtain.Hemade

thiscommitmentandheneedstosticktoit.Butsometimes,whenhegoesforawalkonthe

beachandlooksatthejetty,hefantasisesaboutjumpingoffanddrowning.Liamknowshe

willnotdothat,butthatthisthoughtkeepscomingtohismindscareshimalot.

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Malemarriagemigrants

Liam’s unsettling story reveals the emotionally highly disturbing realities male marriage

migrantsfacepostmigration.Narratives likethisemphasisethe importanceofresearching

men’sexperienceswithmarriagemigration.Fromthe1990sonwards,scholarssuchasSylvia

Chant and Sarah Radcliffe (1992) and Patricia Pessar and Sarah Mahler (2001) urged

researcherstoplacegenderattheheartofmigrationstudies.AsWilliamsnotes:

Gendershapesthedegreeofchoicepeoplehaveoverhowandwhethertomigrate;itshapesthe

socialmeaningmigrationhasfortheindividualasamemberoftheirspecificsocialgroupandit

shapestheperceptionsofthemigrantbyoutsiders…(2010:21).56

Currently, gender has become recognised as an important factor and focus point in

migrationstudies.However,whenattentionshifted, itmainly turnedtostudyingwomen’s

migratoryexperiences(Williams2010).Whileimportantinsightshavearisenfromthiswork,

itseemsthat,yetagain,studiesare ignoringmen’sexperienceswithmigration(Donaldson

et al. 2009. But see for instance, Gallo & Scrinzi 2016). As Pierrette Hondagneu-Sotelo

remarks, the ‘preoccupation with writing women intomigration research and theory has

stifled theorising about the ways in which constructions ofmasculinities and femininities

organisemigrationandmigrationoutcomes’(1999:566).

ThechaptersintheeditedvolumeMigrantMen:CriticalStudiesofMasculinitiesandthe

MigrationExperience(Donaldsonetal.2009)seegender,andspecificallymasculinity,asthe

main analytical concepts for studyingmigration. By focusingonAustralia as theparticular

locale,authorsdescribethewaysinwhichgenderisinterrelatedwithconceptssuchasclass,

race,ethnicityandreligion(seealsoPessar1999).Inthisvolume,RaymondHibbinsandBob

Pease underscore how a focus on men, masculinities and migration is an emerging and

importantfield.Theireffortsaimtodocument:

howmennegotiate,reactandrespondtomaleandfemalegenderidentitiesthattheyencounter

throughout themigratory process.Withpressures onmen to be themainbreadwinner in the

56The work ofMahler and Pessar (2006) is especially important, as it emphasises how using gender as ananalytical tool for theorybuildingcanhelp tounderstandmigration-relateddecisionsandoutcomes. Studiesusing this gender approach focusonhowmenandwomenexperiencemigrationdifferently, aswell as howmigrationinfluencesgenderednorms,relationsofpower,andideologies(Pessar1999).

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societiesinwhichtheyaresettled,andtocontinuetheirauthorityinthefamily,theyfacearange

ofpersonal, cultural, educational and systemicbarriers thathinder their ability to realise their

expectedroleas‘men’(2009:5).

While thenumberofmalemarriagemigrants is significant and increasing, research-based

evidence isscarce(Williams2010:29.Butseefor instanceRodrígues-García2006;DeHart

2007).The little researchonmenmarryingandmigratingacrossborders ‘emphasizeshow

men struggle to adapt to changes in social settings and to their enforced dependence on

theirwives’andfurthermore,it‘maybeassumedthatwomenmarriagemigrantssharethe

same feelings butmay be culturally programmed and equipped to accept these struggles

andmaypossessgenderedstrategiestodealwiththeproblemstheyface’ (Williams2010:

30).

Both the works of Gallo (2006) and Charsley (2005) provide interesting insights into

men’s experience with migration. Gallo’s work explores the construction of masculine

identitiesamongMalayalimigrantsfromIndia,whomovedtoItalythroughtheirmarriages

withMalayaliwomenliving,andworkingasdomesticworkers,inRome.Sheillustrateshow

men struggle with moving to their wives’ locales in another country. This non-patrilocal

residence, as well as women’s presence outside the domestic sphere can be seen as

redefinitions of family relations and ‘modern’ forms of patriarchy. While both men and

womenactivelyengagewithsuchtransformations,menfeltthatItalywasnotagoodplace

for themashusbands.Often,migrationwasviewedasanambiguousprocesswithvarious

impactsonmasculinities.The inabilityto findemploymentandhavingtoadjusttoreverse

gendernormsandpractices,whileatthesametimelegalmigrationwasseenasreinforcing

masculinity (being ‘deserving’of residencyasopposed to residing in Italyundocumented),

mademenfeelambivalenttowardstheirconjugalsituation.

Charsley describes the ways in which marriage migration influences the lives and

experience of masculinities among Pakistani husbands to Pakistani wives in the United

Kingdom.Herworkillustratesthe‘social,cultural,andeconomicdifficultiesfacedbymigrant

husbands’ (2005:85).Being faraway fromtheirownkinand theproximity to theirwives’

family are among the factors that ‘restructure gendered household relations of power’

(ibid.).Themodelof‘unhappyhusbands’,Charsleyargues,helpstograsptheexperiencesof

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migrant men who practise marriage migration more generally. Often, she emphasises,

migranthusbandsareviewedasbadmenorinsincerepartnerswhousetheirmarriageasan

entrywayintoanAnglo-Europeancountry.However,herresearchpointsoutthatthepost-

migration context is experienced as particularly difficult formigrantmen, which helps to

explain situationsofmarriagebreakdown,violenceand thepracticeofacquiringa second

wife.

AlthoughCharsley focusesonhusbandsandwiveswith the same cultural background,

whereas I describe intercultural relationships, male marriage migrants to Australia face

similarsocial,culturalandeconomicdifficultiesthroughtheirjourneyofmarriagemigration.

Reversed gender roles, romanticmismatches, isolation, class and racism issues aswell as

economicstrugglesadverselyimpactonmen’sexperience.Consequently,themendescribe

Australia as a distressing place, as opposed towhat they had imagined: the happily ever

after.

Experiencesofmarriagemigrationamongmigrantmen

Expectationsoftherelationship

Aftermonthsoryearsofwaitingtobeunited,couplesmayinitiallythinktheirproblemsare

solvedwhenthetemporaryvisaarrives.However,anewdifficultperiodislikelytohavejust

begun.Fromthedateofthesubmittedvisaapplicationacoupleisrequiredtobetogether

foraminimumof twoyearsbefore the foreignspousecanobtainpermanent residency in

Australia. During these two years, the foreign spouse is dependent on his sponsoring

partner.Andwhilesuchlegaldependencycanbeinterpretedasonlyaformality,inpractice,

men’s social and economic existence was now fully in the hands of—or at least highly

influencedby—theirAustralian partners.57Such ‘everydaydependency’ asWilliams (2010)

57Throughoutjourneysofmarriagemigration,thedifferenceinresidentialstatusisimportantasitbringsaboutstructural (or at least long-term) political, social and economic inequalities between partners. The migrantspouses,thedependants,facerestrictionsontheirrightsinthenewcountryofsettlement,andindeeddependon their sponsoring partner, and on their relationship; if a marriage or relationship breaks down beforeobtainingresidency,thedependantpartner’srightsinthecountryofsettlementalsoend(Williams2010:5–6).

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calls it, often contrasted sharplywith the genderingof relationships previously familiar to

them,whetherthatwasinAfrica,online,orelsewhereintheworld.

Prior to migration, cross-border relationships enabled men to display a style of

masculinity that closely resembled a hegemonic model of masculinity. While different

masculinities coexist within a society, and the term ‘masculinity’ itself functions as an

umbrella, comprisingmultiple, flexible, diverse and ambiguousmasculinities, a hegemonic

masculinity is ever present, albeit fluid and unstable (Morrell 1998).58Characteristics of a

normative or hegemonic masculinity are, amongst others: aggression, competition,

independence, strength, being in control, aswell as being heterosexual and anti-feminine

(Kimmel2005:29–31). Thehegemonicstandardofmasculinityismoreofanidealformento

measure up to or to strive for, than it is a realistically achievable model for manhood

(Kimmel 2005).59During the courtship period when couples first met, men could actively

takeuptheroleasleaderandwomenseemedtoparticularlyenjoyfollowingtheirpartners.

In a sense, thus, back then,men could be the ‘realmen’ they aspired to be, particularly

becauseoftheirforeignpartners.Paul, for instance,describedhowhisnowex-wifewould

alwayswaitforhimtofinishwork,readywithaplateoffood.Sinceshewasvisitinghimin

hishomecountryandhad little todo, shewouldmakesure to ‘pamperherhard-working

husband’,afterwhichhewouldsometimestakeherdancingorforadrive.Othermen,too,

describedhowtheywouldtaketheirpartnersoutforameal, foradance,ontripsaround

theircountryandtomeetfamilyandfriends.

58The study ofmen andmasculinity became a popular part of gender studies in the 1980s (but see Tolson1977). Inthenextdecade,throughthepublication,amongstothers,ofConnell’sbookMasculinities (1995),ageneral rejection arose of the idea that all men are, or need to be, the same. Kimmel studies men andmasculinitiesextensivelyanddefinesmasculinityasacollectionofmeaningsconstructed inrelationshipwiththeselfandinrelationtoothers,thelargerworld.Manhoodissociallyconstructed;itsmeaningschangeovertimeanddifferper individual.What itmeanstobeamanisoftenopposedtotheother:women,racial-andsexual others (2005: 25). In particular, Kimmel suggests,men often compare themselves to othermen, andstrivetobeasopposedtothefeminineaspossible,tobestronginsteadofweak,andindependentinsteadofdependent,inordertonotbeidentifiedasfeminine,homosexualorinferior(2005).

59Theterm‘hegemonicmasculinity’althoughcrucialinunderstandingmasculinities,hasalsobeenthesubjectofdebate.SeeforinstanceBeasley(2008)andHowson(2005).

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Whilesuch‘extreme’genderedrolesmayhaveworkedfortheirshortperiodtogetherin

Africa or in other foreign countries, this dynamic changed drastically in Australia. Many

couplesquicklyseemedtorealisetheyactuallydidnotknowtheirsignificantotheraswellas

theythought.Manymigrantmenexpectedtheirpartnerstoremainthesame,andtheirlives

inAustralia tobebasedonacontinuationof thegenderedpracticestheywereusedto. It

seemedthatsomewomenheldaltogetherdistinctattitudes,mind-setsandlifestyleswhile

inAustraliathatwerenotevidentorrelevantwhenvisitingtheirfuturehusbandsinAfrica.60

In the African country, women may have been open to new experiences, ready and

trusting to take theirpartner’s lead. In this context inwhichwomenwereunfamiliarwith

customs and language, women often relied on their partners to show them around.

However, back in Australia their humdrum lives continuedmuch as they did before their

marriage,andsodidtheirworriesaboutjobs,money,andmortgages.Theseworriesbecame

magnified as they found that they now also, were responsible for their newly arrived

partner.Womendidnothave such responsibilities inAfrica.Moreover, thesewomenhad

cometoAfricaonholidaysandhadsavedmoneybeforehandtomaketheirtripworthwhile.

Thismayhaveconfusedmen,whomayhaveexpectedthattheirlifestylewouldbesimilarin

Australia.Fromthemen’sperspective,inthisnewcountrythefamiliarfaceforthem,their

happy,obligingandeasy-goingwife,haddisappeared.Theirpartnershadturnedfromfun-

lovingandreliantwomenintoserious,responsibleandsometimesdemandingwomen.

Men and women often perceived the move to Australia as a committed couple

differently.Womenanticipated the completionof their happinessproject: to finally settle

downhappilywiththeirpartnersandpossiblyhavechildren.Allbutoneofthemen,onthe

contrary,experiencedthemoveashighlyunsettlingduetoexperiencesofracism,aswellas

difficulties findingworkand fulfilling theirobligations toboth theirwifeand their families

back home.Menneeded space to re-establish themselves, or asMelbournebased Zubair

described‘tofigureoutwhatthehellIwasgoingtodoinAustralia’.Manymenfeltthattheir

partners were unsupportive or did not understand the hardships they experienced while

60Seeforinstanceworkonexpatriates(Fechter2007),andsexandromancetourism(Brennan2004;McEwen2009;Selänniemi2003).

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tryingtosettleinAustralia.Thedynamicsoftherelationshipbeforemigrationdramatically

changedonceinAustraliaanditdidnotseemeasy,ifpossibleatall,torelivethemagain.

Menwere dependent on their spouses for the practicalities of settling, including such

thingsas:findingajob,makingfriends,understandingthepublictransportsystem,learning

tocookwithdifferent ingredientsandbuyingacar.AsSaleemput it,whenhewasdriving

me,withoutalicense,tothesupermarketinhisflatmate’ssmallcar,‘Ihadtoaskheradvice

andhelpforeverything, literallyeverything’.SaleemimmigratedtoMelbournethreeyears

ago.Hehadmethisnowex-partnerinhishometownwhereshelivedasanexpatriate.They

hadbeentogetherformanyyears.WhenshemovedbacktoMelbourne,Saleemhadcome

tovisitherforafewmonths.Becauseitwassummer,hehadenjoyeditalot.‘Itfeltlikea

longholiday.’Oncehegothome, thecouple foundthathispartnerhadbecomepregnant

duringhisstay inMelbourne.Thismadethemapply foraPartnervisa forhimtomoveto

Australiapermanently.Butwhenhearrived,itwaswinter,coldandwet.Theymovedinwith

hismother-in-law,whichwas not a good place for Saleem.He did not get alongwith his

wife’smother,andhisoverallexperienceinMelbournehadbeenverydisappointing.

Saleemcontinuedbyprovidinganexample:‘Icouldnotevenwashmyclothesbymyself,

and that shit justmademe feel like a big loser’. In his case, the issue seemed to be that

Saleemwasdependentonhispartner,andfeltinadequateasaman.Itwasnotsomuchthat

hedidnotknowhowtowashhisclothes,butthathedidnotknowhowtodoitintheway

thathiswifewasusedtoandapprovingof.Beingcompletelydependentonone’sspouseis

the complete reverse ofwhatmen experienced in their home country. The reality of not

beingable to implement their idealisedvisionofwhataman is supposed tobe likeoften

seemedtobeaccentuatedbytheirpartners’visibledisappointmentinthemasmen.61

61As thenext chapter illustrates, forwomen, too, thedependencyof theirpartners cameas anunwelcomesurprise.Bothmenandwomenhadenjoyedthestyleofmasculinity thatwaspreviouslyperformedbymen,priortosettlinginAustralia.Eventhoughmenwouldnotexplainthistomedirectly,itseemedthatboththeirownaswellastheirpartners’disappointmentwiththisnewgenderedrealitycrystallisedtheirinadequacy.

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Isolationandhomesickness

Feelings of dependency were also exacerbated by a lack of social relations and cultural

knowledge.Mostmen I interviewed said how they suffered fromgreat loneliness in their

first years in Australia.While nonewould use the term depression, in conversationswith

men itbecameapparentthat in factmanyof themhadbeenparticularlydown-hearted in

their first years in Australia. As Farida Tilbury (2007) argues, the Anglo-European and

biomedicalnotionofdepressiondoesnotcoverthenegativeaffectfeltbymigrants. Inher

study among East Africans in Western Australia, interlocutors described feelings of

‘frustration, uncertainty, hopelessness, shame and embarrassment, loneliness,

disempowerment,shock,anger,lossofcontrol,[and]betrayal’(2007:451).Suchfeelingsof

sadnessarearesultofthemigrationjourneytoanewandunfamiliarcountry.

Formy interlocutors,emotionaldistressoftenmadethemreminisceaboutbackhome.

Saleemrecalledhowhewouldcallfamilyandfriendsbackhome,almostdaily,togetsome

comfort,while Jacobwent for longdrives to reminisceabouthomeand to ‘really feel’his

sorrowsandhomesickness (hiswifehad installed ‘home’ontheGPSforhimtobeableto

findhiswaybacktohisnewhomeinthestillunfamiliarcity).Theseeminglypeacefulstreets

ofAustralia’s suburbs turnedoutnot tobeasperfect aspreviously imagined.Rather, the

quietnessofthesuburbstheyresidedin,oftenlocatedfarawayfromthecitycentre,made

himfeellonelyandisolated.

Such feelings of isolation and loneliness often seemed to be strongly related to

homesickness (seevanTilburg&Vingerhoets2005).Recollectionsofwhatmen feltwasa

more ‘collectivist’ context back home would be in stark contrast to the ‘individualistic’

Australiansociety.62Menexpressedhowtheywereusedtoacertainhustleandbustleafter

work hours, as everyone was outside—going home from work, having some food with

friends from the food stall around the cornerorwomendoing the cookingoutside; there

wouldalwaysbepeoplearound,andthenoisesofpeopletalkingandlaughingandoftraffic

62Categoriesof‘collectivist’and‘individualistic’societiesarecomplicated,complexandoftendangeroustousewithoutelaboration. IwanttoemphasisethatthesearefeelingsandwordsthatarepartofthenarrativesofthemalemarriagemigrantsIinterviewedandworkedwith,andthusprovideanemicperspective.

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and other movement. They lamented that ‘even without knowing anyone, in Africa you

wouldjustfeelasifyoubelonged,’because‘peopletalktoyouanyway,sharewhateverthey

havewithyouanyway’.63

InAustralia,bycontrast,menfeltthatpeoplenevermakeeyecontactwithstrangers,do

nottalktoanyoneonthestreet,andavoidanyformofsocialcontactbygoingstraighthome

afterworkandshuttingthedoorbehindthem.AsPeterexclaimed,whenweweredriving

throughAdelaide’sdarkdesertedstreetsaroundeighto’clockintheevening,‘Lookaround

you! There is no one here!’. We were on our way to one of Peter’s friends who had

organised a birthday party when I asked him if he ever compared Adelaide to his home

country.Heexplainedthatbackhome,thiswouldbethetimetobeout,tovisitneighbours,

familyorfriendsandhavesomefoodtogether.Thestreetswouldbefilledwithpeopleand

everywhereyouwouldbeabletoseethelightsofthecandlesandgaslightsfromthelittle

foodstallsthatsellbeefskewers.‘Icanstillsmellthatair,filledwiththesmellofbeefand

charcoal’,hereminisced.InAdelaide, incontrast,hefeltthatpeopleweregenerallyhiding

inside,‘behindtheclosedcurtains,havingdinner,probablyevenbythemselves’.Whilemen

likePeterhadcometoAustraliatofindagreaterhappiness,insuchinstancesthetemporal

dimension of happiness was found in in the past, in memories and lived experiences

(Lambek2015).

Furthermore,allbuttwomenrecalledthatbackhomethedoorwouldbealwaysopen

forfriendsandfamilytocomeforavisit.Whateverthetimewas,mymaleinterlocutorstold

me,guestscouldneverberefused.Peoplewouldbemuchmorewillingtosharewithothers,

andwelcomeothers.Thatisat leastwhatIwastold. InAustralia,menargued,peoplejust

liveforthemselves,nottheir families.Theyfeltthattheirsponsoringpartnerswerenotas

welcomingastheyshouldbeandcouldnotappreciatethemen’sdesiretosocialiseorhave

friendsoverfrequently.

Interestingly, it seemed that the two Australian women with Middle-Eastern and

Mediterraneanheritageweremoreunderstandingoftheirpartners’culturalexpectationsof

greatersociality.Suchobservationsaccordwithliteratureonvaluesamongethnicminorities

63Irealisethisislikelyanidealisationofwhatitislikeintheirrememberedhometowns.

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such as Italians andGreeks in Australia. For instance, Doreen Rosenthal et al. (1989) and

Jerzy Smolicz et al. (2001) state that for theseAustralians, a collectivist familyorientation

was a key marker supporting their minority group identity as opposed to a more

individualisticorientationheldbyAnglo-Australians.

Bothcouplesarguedthatpartly,theirheritageandculturalwayswereareasonfortheir

successfulandlovingmarriages.WilliamexplainedthistomewhenImethimandhiswife

Lillianattherestaurantwheretheybothworked.Astheywerepreparingforlunch,William

was occupied cutting what it looked like were a thousand onions. According toWilliam,

whilepeoplewould complain that ‘Africansare loud’,heargued that ‘mywife…she is the

loudestperson I know!’. Shewouldbe shoutingon thephone, or yelling at him from the

kitchen,andhefelthecouldnot‘beat’thatandthenhelaughedexuberantly.Hefeltthathe

andhiswifeLillianwereverysimilarastheyboth likedtohavepeopleattheirhouse.Her

familywouldstayforlongerperiodsoftime,asnowforexamplehersisterwasstayingwith

them for about amonth. Lillian, he felt, also understood when he needed time with his

friends. When William would have people visiting, she would make sure to go and do

somethingelse.Becauseofherbackground,Williamreasoned,Lillianknewthatinsituations

like that ‘sheshouldbemorehumble’.Williamexpressedhisgratefulness for their shared

valuesandunderstandings.HefeltthatLillianknowshowto‘treataman’andwouldnever

be jealous.Becauseofthis,Williamwanted‘tobeagoodmantoher’.All thistime,Lillian

had been listening to William and nodding approvingly at his words. Then, she clearly

thought itwas time to get towork again, and started yelling orders atWilliam,which he

answeredbyyellingback,whilelaughingandshakinghishead.Aco-workercommentedthat

indeed,thecoupleseemedtoexpresstheirlovebyshoutingateachother,withbothorders

andcompliments.

WilliamandhiswifeLillianseemedtobeanexceptiontotherule,asapparentlyother

womenwouldnotbe thatunderstandingof theirpartner’swaysof socialising. Somemen

recalledhowtheywerenotallowedtogooutandsocialise,butinsteadhadtostayinallday.

Liam,forexample,whenhevisitedmeathometohelpmewithagardenproject,explained

howheusuallyspendsallhisdaysathomebecausehispartnerdidnot likehimtogoout.

Shewould complain thathewasnotmakingmoneyand instead reliedonher, but at the

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same timeshediscouragedhisefforts to findwork.Shealsomade ithard forhim tovisit

people, or thosepeoplehehoped toestablish a friendshipwith. Shewould always finda

reasonforhimnottogo,Liamexplained.Sometimesitwouldbeafamilyvisit,othertimes

grocery shopping or it would already be too late in the evening. Or, Liam repeated the

questionhewasfrequentlyasked,‘howcanyougooutwithoutmoney?’.Onetime,whenhe

didgoouttodrinkbeerwithafriend,hiswifewasbesideherselfwhenhegotback.Shehad

yelled at him that he was drunk (he insisted he was not) and that he would be a ‘lousy

father’. ‘She justdoesnotwantme to gooutside. Shewantsme to sit inside,bymyself’,

Liamconcluded.Thisexampleillustrateshowmensometimesperceivedtheirpartnerstobe

controlling, but it also indicates an inability ofmen to negotiatewith their partners. And

even though men like Liam would not describe it as such, control and abuse—whether

physical,verbaloremotional—insomecasesdidappeartooccur.

Tenmenexpressedtheviewthatthevisarequirementofstayingtogetherfortwoyears

putAustralianspousesinapowerfulposition,somethingtheythoughttheirpartnersatthe

timeweresurelyusing to theiradvantage.While literature indicates that femalemarriage

migrants are often vulnerable to domestic violence and abuse,64 men also sometimes

suffered from abusive situations. Such occurrences often seem to derive from the legal

dependenceofmenontheirAustralianspouses,whichturned into ‘everydaydependency’

(Williams2010)andsometimes,asaresult,abuse.Danielforinstance,describedhowhisex-

wifewouldtakehisfullsalary,onlygivinghimmoneytobuythepetrolneededtodriveto

work andback. Shedidnot allowhim to gooutside for anyother reason thanwork, and

when he actually decided to end the relationship and return home, she hid his passport.

Furthermore, she forbade him from talking to his family on the phone. His wife would

becomeparticularlyupsetifhecalledhissister,assheallegedthatthewomanonthephone

wasinfacthis‘African’wifeorgirlfriend.ItmadeDanielfeelevenlonelier,notbeingableto

talktohisfamily,aswellasashamedbecausehewasunabletoexplainhisunavailabilityto

them.Daniel feltvulnerableand isolatedashedidnotknowanyoneelsebuthiswifeand

her family inAustraliaandwasnot inapositiontomake friendsofhisown.Hecouldnot

64SeeWilliams(2010)foranoverviewofsuchliterature.

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argue with his wife for fear of being deported. Daniel describes the first two years in

Australiaas‘anisolatedhell’.

WhileDaniel’s situationof isolationwasanexceptional case,mostmen, like Liam, felt

that their partners always found reasons for them not to associate with other men

originatingfromdifferentpartsofcontinentalAfrica.Others,likeJacob,felthispartnerdid

not find it necessary for him to spend timewith othermigrantmen. She did not directly

forbidhimtosocialisewithothermen,butJacobwasundertheimpressionthateachtime

hehadanopportunitytogooutandminglewiththem,shecameupwithareasonforhim

nottogo.Jacobexplainedthathethoughtitwasbecauseshehadherownestablishedsocial

lifealreadyanddidnotdeemitnecessarytolookfornewfriendsandacquaintances.Shedid

notseemtounderstandthathefeltmorecomfortablewithotherAfrica-originmen.Because

hewantedtomaintaintherelationshipwithhiswife,hedidnotwanttomakea ‘bigdeal’

outof it. Itwasonlyaftertheirrelationshipendedthathegotintouchwithothermigrant

men. Intheapartmentbuildinghemovedto,hemetanAfrica-originstudent,who invited

himover tospendtimetogether. Itwas throughthisothermanthat Jacobcametomake

friends of his own,who helped him feel at home in Australia, two years after his arrival.

SometimesIvisitedJacobinhisapartmentafterhefinishedwork;hewasalwayshappyto

havemeorotherpeopleathisplace.OftenwhenIvisitedhim,therewereothermenthere,

some for a short-time or some staying for a few nights or weeks until they had found a

permanentaddress.Jacobdidnotmind,asheenjoyedtheircompanyandfeltheknewthat

‘lifeinAustraliaishardforus’.

In a couple of cases, sponsoring partners had contacted the relevant African

communitiesinAustraliabeforethemigrantspousemigrated,tocreatea‘homeawayfrom

home’.Forinstance,Matthew’swifemadesuretheyparticipatedinanythingrelatedtohis

homecountryfromthemomenthearrived.Heexplainedthatthecommunitycirculatedhis

phonenumber, so that sometimeshewouldget calls frompeoplehedidnotevenknow,

inviting him and hiswife for social activities, or just for a chat. Suchmomentswere very

importantforhim;hewouldbe‘waitingforhisphonetoring,tobesurroundedbysimilar

peopleandfeelaliveagain’.ButwhileMatthewwaseagerforsuchcontact,healsomadeit

veryclear that thesepeople,even though they sharedahomecountryandwere friendly,

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hadno intimate connectionwith them, as their personalities and lifestyleswere just very

different.Hefounditveryhardtomakegoodfriendsinthisnewcontext.

Such accounts illustrate that men’s new status as migrants affected their sense of

masculineselfsignificantly.Menoftenfeltlonely,isolatedandhomesick.Suchfeelingsand

emotionsdonotreflectnormativemasculinity,whichemphasisesqualitiessuchasbeingin

control, strength and independence (Kimmel 2005). Yet, within society, different

constructions ofmasculinity exist, and it is important to recognise them, as well as their

relationships and the inequalities and power struggles involved (Connell 1995). While

currently the scholarship on Africanmasculinities is blooming (see for instanceMorrell &

Swart2005;Ouzgane&Morrell2005;Ratele2013;Smith2017;Uchendu2008), fora long

time men in Africa have been overlooked.65In African contexts, studies on gender and

developmentoftenonlyfocusedonwomen,andmerelydescribedmenasthoseinpower,

subordinatingwomen.Menbeingdisempowereddidnotseemtobeanoption.Thus,menin

Africahavebeenignored,overlooked,takenforgranted,andseenasahegemoniccategory.

ThishascreatedanotionofAfricanmenaspowerful‘winners’,whileinfact,evidenceshows

thatmenhavesufferedgreatlyfromvariouspoliticalandsocio-economicchanges,including

colonialism,post-colonialeconomiccrisesandinstitutionallyimposedstructuraladjustment

programs(Silberschmidt2001,2005.SeealsoFerguson2006).

Naturally,thereisnosuchthingastheAfricanmasculinity.Numerousmasculinitiesare

acted out in Africa, as it is a hugely diverse continent, with many different countries,

cultures,ethnicities, classes, familiesand individuals (see for instanceSmith2010;Morrell

2001). Moreover, Africans are spread across the globe as migrants, moving for various

reasons and experiencing diverse living environments (Morrell 1998; Morrell & Ouzgane

2005).66My data supports the findings of Charsley (2005) and Gallo (2006) that male

65ThestudyofmenandmasculinitieshasbeencriticisedformainlyfocussingonmeninAnglo-Europeanandcontexts, excluding theworkof scholars from the ‘global South’ and ignoringmenandmasculinities innon-Anglo-Europeancontexts(Connell2014).

66Colonialism,Christianity,schoolsandurbanisationareamongmanyfactorsinfluencingAfricanmasculinities.But that is not to say that pre-colonial notions and practices of masculinity have been swept away. Otherfactors suchas class, capitalismandchanges in the family continue to influencemasculinities, indicating thefluidityandchangingcharactersofmasculinities(Arnfred2004;Morrell1998).

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marriagemigrantsareforcedtofindnewwaystobemasculineandthatoftenthisprocessis

disempowering and difficult for them. For migrant men, this process is compounded by

isolation,whichmadethemfeelparticularlyunhappyandsignificantlyaffectedtheirfeelings

of self-worth. One important part of adjusting to life in Australiawas being able to have

meaningful contacts with other Africa-origin men. While some Australian partners

understoodtheimportanceofmenestablishingtheirownsocialconnections,mydatashows

thatmoreoften,menfelttheirpartners—albeittovariousextents—werenotsupportiveof

them creating their own networks. These difficultiesmade it harder formen to settle in

AustraliaandbecamepartofthereasonlifeinAustraliawasnotasgoodorhappyforthem

aspreviouslyimagined.Whilefeelingsofisolationmademenfeeluncomfortable,aswillbe

illustrated in the next section, men’s socio-economic positioning in Australia further

decreasedtheirsenseofself-worth.

Movingupanddownthesocio-economicladder

In a sense,marriagemigration to Australia is nothing extraordinary. Africans have always

beenonthemove(vanDijketal.2001;Amin1995;Akokpari1999;AkinAina1995)andfor

Africanhouseholds,fathers,husbandsandsonsmigratingforemploymentorotherwaysof

supporting the family is nothing new.67Most men expected their journey of marriage

migration to lead to socio-economic betterment. Except for oneman,migrantmen came

from lower socio-economic backgrounds in their home countries. While all men were

employed prior to coming to Australia, except for one, none of themhad completed any

67For a long time,migration in Africa has beenmale dominated, and/or at least has been documented byresearchersassuch(butseeforinstanceVaaetal.1989;Cordelletal.1996;vanDijketal.2001andGugler&Ludwar-Ene 1995 on female migrants). During colonial times, employers such as colonial governments,missions,minesandcommercial firmsonlyrecruitedmen(Adepoju1995).Menwererequiredtoworkawayfromhome,and thecolonialgovernmentsoftendidnotallowwomenandchildren to join them.Thispolicywas, amongst others, set in place to discourageAfrican families from settling permanently in urban centres(Gugler & Ludwar-Ene 1995; Spronk 2006). Also, in the post-colonial period, ‘young men, both single andmarried,tendtomigratealonetothecities,tomoreeasilyavailofurbanjobsandaccommodationandtosaveenough money to pay for the transport and maintenance of wives, children, and relations who mightsubsequentlyjointhem’(Adepoju1995:92).Thecontinent’sincreasedeconomichardship,politicalinstabilityand ecological crises also make intercontinental migration a more popular choice. Over the last decades,migration out of Africa (mostly to Europe) increased dramatically after a period of mostly intra- andinternationalmigration,withinAfrica(Adepoju1995).

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tertiaryeducation,andveryoftenmenhadnot finishedsecondaryschool.Lifebackhome

had often not been easy for them, and almost all men had to look for creative ways of

earningsufficientincome.

Generally,menhadmoved fromtheirhometowntoother towns,citiesorcountries in

searchof‘greenerpastures’.Forinstance,PeterandZubairmovedtoabiggerregionaltown

for work, Jacob and Paul to another African country, Daniel, William and Matthew had

relocatedtoEurope,whilethreeothermenhadmovedtoAsiancountries.Allofthemfound

relatively well-paid work and had climbed the socio-economic ladder relative to their

prospects back home, although this did not necessarily mean they saw their daily

circumstancesassignificantlyimproved.Othermenhadbeenartistsintheirhomecountry.

They would perform nationally and sometimes internationally and had worked with

internationaltouristseagertolearnabout‘African’danceand/ormusicalinstruments.Even

though theworkwas rewarding, theyalldescribedhowbeinganartistwouldnotprovide

anyguarantees.Sometimes, thesemenfelt that lifehadbeenhard,aconstantstruggleto

survive.

PriortotheirmovetoAustralia,however,menhadalwaysfoundwaysofsurvivingand

takingcareofthemselves.Mostmendescribedthemselvesas‘streetsmart’:alwaysableto

find a way to survive. They knew how to ‘hustle’, as Jacob called it.Men explained that

althoughlifewassometimeshardbackhome,itwasalsogood,becausetheyknewtheright

peopleintherightplaces.Theseconnectionsmeantthattheywouldalwaysbeguaranteed

work,oratleasthaveaplacetostayandfoodtoeat.InEurope,forinstance,Matthewlived

inanareawitha largeAfricanpresence,andpeoplewouldhelpeachother findworkand

wouldalwayssharetheirmealswithothers.Hedescribedhislifethereas‘livinginaclose-

knit community. Even thoughwe all came fromdifferent places,we all took careof each

other,likefamily’.

Initially, men imagined that their relationships would enable them to improve their

socio-economicpositionbackhome,asnowtheyhadtheprospect,andreality,ofmovingto

anAnglo-Europeancountrywhereopportunities,theyimagined,abounded.Men,aswellas

their friends and family, anticipated great successes stemming from themove.As Saleem

described: ‘I really thought this move to Australia would make my life easy and good. I

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thought I would be rich in an instant’. Possibly surprisingly then, men who presented

themselves as ‘hustlers and go-getters’ would later, after arriving in Australia, lose their

pugnacity and self-confidence.Whileat first thismove toanAnglo-European countrywas

anticipated as ‘exciting’ and ‘a new adventure’ and ‘away forward’, relatively soon after

arrivalmen became disappointedwith the reality ofmuch fewer opportunities for socio-

economic advancement than anticipated. This resonates with Charsley’s findings among

Pakistani men as she describes that while financial opportunities were anticipated, ‘the

conditions in which these financial gains are to be made can come as a shock to newly

arrivedhusbands’(2005:90).

WhilefromtheperspectiveoftheirAfricanhomemenenjoyedupwardsocio-economic

mobility, within their new context,marriagemigration involved downwardmobility.Men

soonrealisedthattheirsocio-economicpositioningmayinfacthavebeenbetterbackhome.

Men claimed that instead of moving ‘up the ladder’ as they had anticipated, in their

everyday livedreality inAustralia theyexperiencedasharpdecrease instatus.Thatmen’s

dreams and unrealistic expectations (that partly stemmed from their own imaginings of

whatlifeinthe‘West’wouldlooklike,andpartlybecauseofthewaythattheirpartnershad

presentedthemselvesandlifeinAustraliawhencouplesfirstmet)turnedouttobefarfrom

realistic,discouragedmenstrongly.This,inturn,influencedtheirfeelingsofbeingamanand

theirself-worthsignificantly.

Difficulties adjusting to life in Australia—often related to education, skills, racism and

languagebarriers—mademenrealise theymay ‘notbeprepared for this life in theWest’.

Peter, when we were having a meal together in a hotel that he insisted on paying for,

explainedthattherewerenotmanyopportunitiesfor ‘menlikehim’.Especially inthefirst

months after arrival, Australia, ‘the system’ seemed too complicated and to be working

againsthim.Hedescribedhowhefelt‘stuck’and‘paralysed’,becauseofhisinabilitytofind,

for instance,employmentoreducationopportunities.Alsoothermenconfessed that they

thoughtlifewasgoingtobeeasy,butinsteadtheyfoundaworldthatseemedimpossibleto

understandwithoutthehelpoftheirpartners.

Fromasocio-economicperspective,menlackedcapitaltoconfidentlymoveahead.Men

oftenhadnoideaaboutservicesavailabletothem,andhowtogetaccesstosuchservices.

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For instance, while applying for a driver’s licence may seem the easiest thing for the

sponsoringspouse,forthemigrantpartnerthismeantfindingoutsuchthingsas:whereto

findtheforms,howtofillintheforms,whatofficetogoto,atwhattimes,andhowtoget

there. In this way, the lack of cultural knowledgewas a disadvantage inmen’s quest for

accessing a good life in Australia. As described earlier, the cultural knowledge of the

Australian partner added a significant layer to the dependency of the migrant partner,

affectinghisalreadydiminishedandvulnerablemasculinity.Sometimeslongafterthecouple

separated, men still needed to ask their ex-partners for help with issues such as their

superannuation, their insurance or Centrelink matters. Accessing Australian bureaucracy,

thus,wasoftena structuralobstacle formen’sgoalsofwanting to liveacomfortableand

happylife.

While most men experienced similar hardships after arrival, they all seemed to have

suffered alone as they were not aware of any support systems available to them. A

caseworkerat theAfricanCommunitiesCouncil of SouthAustraliaexplained thatwhereas

refugeesandhumanitarianentrantswouldhavesupportarrangedbybothgovernmentand

otherinstitutions,migrantspousesdonothaveanysupport.‘Theycancometous,butthey

donotknowaboutusbecauseAustralians[thesponsoringpartners]donotknowweexist!’,

thecaseworkerexplainedindignantly.Shealsoexplainedthatmigrantspousesaredifferent

from thosewho come toAustralia on student visas or as skilledmigrants, ‘because these

[lattertwogroupsof]people’,shereasoned,‘theyknowwhattheywillbedoinghere,they

havetheconfidencemany[African]spousesaremissing’.

Furthermore,Isometimesgotthesensefromthementhattherelativelysmallnumber

ofpeoplewithAfricanbackgroundsinAdelaideresultedinanerasureofclassdifferences,as

everyone now belonged to a new category of ‘migrant’ or ‘African’. Men compared

themselvestootherAfrica-originmigrantswhocametoAustraliaasstudents,andwhohad

managed to get good jobs and permanent residency seemingly without difficulties. The

socioeconomicdifferenceswhichwere apparent in their home countrywerenow ignored

anddirectcomparisonsweremadebetweenthemselvesandbettereducatedmigrantmen.

Menwouldworryabout‘nothavingachievedanythingintheseyearsinAustralia’, ‘lagging

behind’and‘havingnothingtobeproudof,nosavings,nohouse,notevenmoneytovisit

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home’. Itseemedthatmenwerenotpreparedfortherealitythat itusuallytookyearsfor

migrantmen to get comfortable in Australia. Prior to themove, it seemed to have been

impossibleformentopicturedailylifeinAustralia.Seemingly,menfocussedsolelyontheir

relationship,anddidnotthinkaboutpossiblehardshiporstrategiestocreateapurposeful

day-to-daylifeinAustralia.Withoutasolidbackgroundorback-upplan,andoftenwithout

anydirection,menendedupfeelingdisappointedanddependentontheirspousesforsocial

and,asillustratedinthenextsection,forfinancialsupport.

Workandfinances

According to Robert Morrell and Lahoucine Ouzgane, among the various and significant

differences between men in Africa, there are also some similarities, or communalities

betweenthem.First,theyargue,‘allmenhaveaccesstothepatriarchaldividend,thepower

thatbeingamangivesthemtochoosetoexercisepoweroverwomen’.Furthermore,men

are often seen as the ‘ultimate other’. Lastly, they argue that men share the legacy of

colonialismandthecurrentinfluenceofglobalisation(2005:7–8).Socio-historicalprocesses

and socio-economic trends have affected ‘African’ men’s positioning in the world, which

becomes visible when looking at marriage migration in relation to work and economic

positioning.As has beenoutlined above, themen imaginedAustralia to be a place full of

opportunities,includingamuchhigherincomethantheycurrentlyhad,andthustheability

tosendhomeremittancesaswellasinvestinginbuildinghomesorsettingupabusinessfor

theirfamilybackhome.

AmbiguitiesregardingincomeandprovidingforfamilybackhomeresonatewithGallo’s

workonMalayalihusbandsinItaly(2006).Shestatesthatformigrantmen,whileanysource

of income was much appreciated and often significantly better than their earnings back

home,often their inability tobe thesoleproviderandunderemploymentmade themfeel

uncomfortable. Such difficulties influenced their conjugal life considerably. For male

marriagemigrants in this study, too, findinga rewarding job inAustraliawasnoteasy for

themforvariousreasonsandinfluencedtheirperceptionofbeinggoodmen.

In twocases, visapolicieshinderedmen fromseekingemployment. Zachary couldnot

work for as long as he held a bridging visa, which would be up until he was granted a

temporary Partner visa. Although he always preferred to work illegally, his wife firmly

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discouragedhim,asshedidnotwanttoruntheriskofhimgettingcaught,beingdeported

andsubsequentlyneverbeingallowedinAustraliaagain.ForthefirstsixmonthsinAustralia,

Zacharysathomebecomingincreasinglyboredandfrustrated.Hefelthewasa‘burdenfor

everyone, including myself’ and felt he was ‘going crazy’. Being alone with his thoughts,

dependent on hiswife, andwith his family back home eagerly awaiting his contributions

madehimwanttotaketherisk.Hepreferredtotakecareofhis‘mentalhealthandhavea

dailypurpose’.

Racism,asdescribedinthepreviouschapter,wasanotherimportantfactormennamed

as reasons for their un/under-employment. Men expressed their frustrations with finding

work, as they had not expected it to be so difficult to find a job. Daniel, for instance,

describedhowhisperceptionofracismaffectedhisjobsearch;havingworkedasajournalist

in Europe for years, he had applied for a job at a newspaper, only to find that they had

chosen a young newly graduated woman without previous work experience, over him.

Frustrated, he said that itwas the colour of his skin, and her beingAustralian thatmade

themmakethisdecision.‘Yes,Ididnothavethediploma,butIhadyearsofexperienceand

an impressive resume.’Theyoungwoman,on theotherhand,hadnoworkexperienceas

she just finished university. Daniel told me about this experience, that he persistently

describedasracist,whenwewerehavinglunchinbetweenourrespectivestudysessions—

Danielhaddecidedtoattenduniversityaftercountlessunsuccessfulattemptstofindajobto

matchhisexperience.Atthisstagehehadobtainedpermanentresidency,whichmeantthat

enrolment costs for university were considerably lower than for temporary residents.

Speakingaboutracismseemedconfronting,asIcouldseethepainheexperiencedreflected

inhiseyes.Othermenalsoremarkedthatracismaffectedtheirchances,asemployers‘just

preferredAustralians’.Themenrationalizedthat‘Australianswouldprefertogivethejobs

totheir“own”people’,especiallyastheAustralianeconomywasnotcurrentlythriving.

Apart fromone, all themen came toAustraliawithout certificatesordiplomas,which

significantly reduced their chances of finding a job.While previously somemen hadwell

regardedjobsatforinstanceNGOs,intrades,intourism,insecurityorwereprivatebusiness

owners,mostwere not formally qualified. As a result,menwere not able to provide the

prerequisite diplomas or certificates the Australian employers would ask for. Often,

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obtainingdiplomasinAustraliawasnotpossibleformenasuniversityorotherinstitutions’

enrolment costs for international studentswere veryhigh.As a result,mengenerally had

low paid and low skilled jobs, oftenwithout any prospect of getting promoted or having

furtherlearningopportunities.Jacob,whobackhomeworkedinhospitalityandhadenjoyed

thetrustofhisemployerinpractisinghisbarskillsandentertainingguests,nowworkedina

supermarket filling shelves. Peter, who used to be a professional tour guide training

inexperienced tourists formountain climbing and other outdoor sports, nowworked in a

factory.AndPaul,whoworkedasasecurityguardforaprivatecompany,responsibleforthe

security of various suburbs in the city he lived in, eventually found unskilled work at a

constructionsite.

Whilemenwhowere employed generallywere not happywith thework they did, as

they often considered it a ‘downgrade’, they did emphasise how beneficial workwas for

their wellbeing. Men highly valued and were even proud of their work ethos, and their

abilitytoprovidefortheirfamiliesbothinAustraliaandbackhome.Thisbecameapparent

asmanymenusedwordssuchas‘respectful’,‘responsible’,‘beingabletoprovide’,‘setting

anexample’,and‘doingwhatamanissupposedtodo’whendescribingtheirfeelingsabout

working. Jobs, even though men may have loathed them or considered them a

disappointment, did improvemen’s self-esteem andwellbeing, as they helpedmenmake

theirnewlivesinAustraliamorepurposeful.

The importance of having a job and an income became even clearerwhen looking at

cases where Australian partners made it hard for the men to work, or where Australian

spouses controlled theways inwhich themen’s incomewas spent. In four cases,migrant

partners felt that their spouses were either not in favour of themworking or wanted to

makesurethat theywerenotable todeterminehowtheyspent theirmoney,particularly

whenitcametosocialising.AfterLiamwasgrantedpermissionfromtheDIBPtowork,his

wife did not encourage this. While complaining about spending all their savings, she

simultaneouslymade it clear to him that he could notwork. Liam summed up themany

reasonssheprovidedthatmadeitimpossibleforhimtogotowork:hecouldnotusethecar

(exceptforwhenhehadtotransporttheirbaby)andhencecouldnotdrivetowork,hewas

needed tobeathometobewith theirbaby;hewouldneed tohelphermother shop for

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groceries;hedidnothaveworkexperience;andthejobhourswouldlikelynotfitherwork

schedule.AccordingtoLiam,hispartnerwasveryanxiousabouthimfindingworkbecause

hereasonedthatshefearedhewouldmeetotherwomen.Liamfelttorn,anddidnotknow

whattodo,‘Ireallyneedajob,butIdonotwanttomakeherunhappy’.

AlthoughLiam’ssituationwasexceptional,menoftencomplainedabouttheirsponsoring

spouses having control over the finances. In eight instances, women requested their

partners’ full salaries inorder todecidewhat they as a couplewoulddowith the sumof

theircombinedincome.Whilemanymeninhindsightcouldunderstandthepurposeofthis

practice,andhow itbenefittedthemasa family,at thetime itmademenfeel ‘small’and

controlled.AsthecaseofDanielaboveillustrates,sometimesmenwouldonlyreceivealittle

pocketmoneyfromtheirspouse.Daniel felt thathiswifewastryingtocontrolhim inthis

way.Also,Zubaironlyreceivedpocketmoneyfromhiswife,evenafterafullweekofwork.

Hesaidthathedidnotunderstanditatthattimeandwonderedwhatshedidwiththerest

of the income they both earned. Now, since he has gained experiencewith bookkeeping

himself,heunderstandsthatshetookcareoftherent,billsandinsurancesforinstance.At

thattime,however,hefelt‘socontrolled’.Still,Zubairbelievedthatitwasmainlythathedid

nothave‘anysayinanything’whichmadehimfeelbad.Hewasaccustomedto‘makingmy

ownmoneyandmyowndecisions’.Now,hefelthedidnothavethatpower.

There are someparallels between theway thesemenexplained shifts in gender roles

duetomigrationonmasculinities,families,andrelationshipsandthefindingsofNdungiwa

MungaiandBobPease(2009).Theauthorsconsidergendercrisesfacedbymainlyrefugee

men in Australia from what has become South Sudan. These migrants experienced

difficulties adapting to a ‘modern’ context in Australia, as their ‘traditional’ gender

relationshipsdidnotmakesenseanymore (waMungai&Pease2009).Men felt that their

commitment to responsibility, religion and tradition, which previously underscored their

masculinity, were hard, if not impossible, tomaintain and therefore did not longer seem

valid in Australia with its own different, and to the men, new cultural and religious

traditions.According towaMungai andPease (2009)menwereuncomfortablewith their

South Sudanese wives now taking on men’s responsibilities, as for instance women

sometimes became themain providers,withmenhaving to take on roles they previously

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ascribedtowomen,suchasdomesticchoresandchildcare.Whileinsomecasesmenlearnt

tocopewithsuchchallengessuccessfully,inotherinstancesithasledtofamilybreakdown

(waMungai&Pease2009:112).

Many studies on African migrants in Australia focus on refugees, and the cultural

differences arising from their long-held traditions—in particular related to gender—that

wouldbecontrary to ‘modern’Australiancustoms (forexample, seeAbuyi2014;Muchoki

2014).Whilesuchstudiesareofgreatvalueinthattheyofferusinsightsintotheimpactsof

migrationandresettlementonmenandthe impactontheirmasculinities,simultaneously,

they run the risk of generating a view that all ‘Africans’ in Australia are refugees, and all

‘African’menare‘traditional’.ObviouslynotallmigrantmensettleinAustraliaasrefugees,

andoften I found thatmalemigrants came from largerandmorecosmopolitancitiesand

urbanareasthanAdelaide.AsIdescribedinchapterthree,menexpressedtheirfrustrations

with being identified as refugees by strangers. Themen inmy study differed from South

Sudanese men as studied by wa Mungai and Pease (2009), as they did not perceive

themselvestobe‘traditional’orparticularlyfelttheneedtoadheretoallthetraditionsfrom

home.Yet,mendidsharethediscomfortofwomenbeingthemainprovidersandnotbeing

abletocontrolorhaveanysayinthehouseholdfinances.Menweredisappointedbytheir

spouses’behaviourandcontrolover the finances, regardlessof the ‘fairness’orperceived

needof suchpractices.Due to thedifficultiesof gettinggood jobs, theunexpectedlyhigh

costs of living, and (sometimes) controlling partners, men did not find their financial

situationtobeascomfortableastheyhoped.Aswell,backhome,eventhoughitmayhave

been difficult to earn sufficient income, all of these men did work, and did control and

understandtheirfinancialsituation.

BymovingtoanAnglo-Europeancountry,manymenfelttheywereexpectedtosupport

theirfamiliesbackhometoagreaterextentthantheyhaddonepreviously.Thatmigration

for people from the continent of Africa is fundamentally a family affair instead of an

individual journey becomes evident from the sending of remittances.68The literature has

68Studiesemphasisethatwhileremittancesareanimportantsourceofincomeforthosewhostayhome,thisisbalancedviaaformofreciprocity,whichincludesprayersessions,takingcareofchildren,supervisingbuildingprojects, performing traditional ceremonies, and of course through emotional support. Studies on

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emphasisedthatmigrationisseenasastrategytoenhancefamily livelihoods,throughthe

benefitsofremittances(eitherfromabroadorfromanurbancentre),aswellastheeffects

of pressures from families onmigrants (see for instance van Dijk et al. 2001; Hannaford

2016).69Whilesomemenseemedtoignorerequestsfrombackhome,formostmenitwas

amajorworryandafurthercauseofanxiety.Sarah’sex-partner,shetoldme,wouldsendas

much money home as possible, even before thinking of paying their rent, which caused

manyargumentsbetweenthem.ButJacobtoldmethatwhilehehadbeenstressedabout

thisforalongtime,atonepointhehadtotellhisfamilythattheyshouldstopasking,saying:

‘I send themeverything I have, and if I donot have anything, I amnot sending anything.

Theyshouldstopexpectingtheworldfromme’.

Becausemenwerenot incontrolof the finances, they felt theywerenotable tosend

much money home. This lack of control did not directly stem from wives forbidding or

preventingthemfromsupportingfamilybackhome—oratleastnoneofthemenmentioned

thattheirpartnersrefusedtosendanyremittances.AllsponsoringwomenIspoketowere

quitededicatedtohelpingfamiliesoverseas,especiallyiftheyhadbeentoAfricathemselves

and had got to know their relatives. I sometimes found thatmen did not dare to ask for

moremoney to be sent to their families as they felt itwould be onerous and theywere

uncomfortable being in thepositionof requester.Men felt that thewomenwere already

doingsomuchforthemandtheycouldnotaskformore.

Itseemedthattheexactamountofmoneythatcouldbesenthomerequirednegotiation

among couples. Whereas often for women the main priority was their household in

Australia, after which ‘extras’ could be sent to his family, some men felt that first they

wantedtosendmoneyhome,andthenusewhatwasleftforthemselvesinAustralia.Jade

toldmethateventhoughherpartnerworkedfull-timeandshewasonapension,theyhad

to eat plain spaghetti for days in a row, because he sent so much money home. Many

transnationalism and African migratory networks illustrate such practices of mutual support (Riccio 2008;Krause2008;Saraiva2008).

69However, increasingly, and often as a result of the International Monetary Fund’s structural adjustmentprograms,‘urbandwellersbecome,atleastpartly,dependentonruralsourcesoffoodand/orincome,causingareverseflowofgoodsandperhapsevenmoneyfromruraltourbanareas’(vanDijketal.2001:17).

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womenregardedsendingmoneytoAfricaaslessofapriority,anddidnotwanttosacrifice

their standard of living. Such observations reflect the idea that happiness cannot be

separatedfromthespectrumofculturalvaluesinrelationtowhichitbecomesmeaningful

(Walker&Kavedžija2015:6-7).Whileforwomenhappinesswastobefoundmainlyintheir

intimate relationships, for most men, happiness was inherently linked to their families’

wellbeing.

Controllingwivesandtheregainingof‘masculinity’

Over the course of many of the relationships, power relations often became highly

unbalanced. All 11 men who had separated from their partners described them as

‘controlling’, ‘mean’ and ‘bossy’women.While only threemenused thewords ‘domestic

violence’and‘abuse’,mendidelaborateonhowunfairlytheirex-partnerstreatedthem.As

Elijahremembered,whenImethiminanold-fashionedMelbournebar,hiswifewasalways

incontrol,andwhenhewouldquestionherorgoagainsther,shewouldstarttoshoutand

threatenhimwithbreakingup,whichmeantthathewouldhavetoleaveAustralia;hesaid

thatshewouldthreatentocalltheDIBPandhavehimdeported.Whileforherthiscouldbe

anemotionaloutcryintheheatofanargument,forhim,thiswasaveryrealpossibility,and

areasontokeepquiet,andtoconformtoherways.

Not all men experienced isolation stemming from verbal and emotionally abusive

behaviour,but itwascertainlyarecurringtheme.Liamconfidedthatononeoccasion,she

pulledhishair.Anotherman,Iwastoldofbyoneofhisfriends,wouldfindthepantryand

fridge locked up for days after a fight with his spouse: she would punish him for ‘bad

behaviour’ by not letting him eat. Erick, a man in his early fifties and who had come to

Adelaide fouryearsagodescribedhis situationasanabusiveone.Heexplained thateach

timehedidorsaidsomethingthatwouldbeperceivedasbadbyhisnowex-wife,shewould

correct him, by either insulting him or with physical violence. He felt as if she had total

controlovereverythinghedidandbecauseifhewantedtokeephisvisahehadtocomply

withherwishes.Eventually,hewenttothepolicetoreportherabuse,andhassincelefther.

Intheotherandlessextremecasesitseemedthatfeelingsofbeingemasculatedbythe

migrationjourneyandtheeffectsofbecomingdependentonone’sspousewerereasonsfor

relationships breakingdown. Lacking any formof steadiness or solidity in their lives,men

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started to feel inadequate as partners, too. Paul explained that he felt he could not do

anythingright;manysmallthingsmadehispartnerangry.‘Shemademefeellikealittleboy

allthetime’,herecalled.Hesaidthatshebelittledhimforhisallegedinadequacyforthings

like:forgettingtoswitchoffalight,usingtheheaterextensivelyorshoweringfortoolong.

Suchaccusationsimpliedhiscarelessbehaviourandinabilityorunwillingnesstobemindful

oftheexpensesofwaterandgas.Paulcontinuedbyexplaininghowhecouldseeshewas

impatientwithhim,asshewouldsighandcommentonhowshehadtobetheonethattook

careofeverything.‘AsifIfeltgoodwatchingTVallday,insteadofworking!’

Paul elaboratedon thispast relationship thatbroughthim toAustraliawhenwewere

driving inhisnewcar.Althoughthecarwassecondhand, itwasquiteanexpensivebrand

andmodel,withallsortsofupgradesandextrasforcomfort.WhileIhadsuggestedmeeting

in the city for an interview over lunch, which I planned to pay for, Paul had insisted on

collectingme to takeme ‘somewherenice’.Unsurprisingly, Paul alsopaid for lunch, even

thoughIhadbeeninsistentaboutpayingforthebothofus.Isawsuchproactive,generous

andchivalrousbehaviourwithothermen,too. Itwas instarkcontrastwiththeirstoriesof

dependencyandinadequacy,andIfeltthatthemenparticularlyenjoyedopportunitiessuch

asthese,whentheycouldplaymore‘traditional’roles.

Menexpressedtheirinadequacyincomparisonwiththeirpartnersandex-partners,who

had their family, friends, work or pensions, and either rented or owned a home. Men

explained that they had really felt useless as men and partners. It seemed that the

relationship reflected, or magnified, their perceived failures. The effects of migration on

manhood are further described by Juma Abuyi (2014). Abuyi narrates the experiences of

AcholirefugeemenfromSouthSudansettlinginAustralia,particularlyinrelationtoservice

provision.Acholimen,hedescribes,facearangeofunderappreciateddifficultiessettlingin

theirnewsurroundings.Oneofthesedifficultiesisasensed,orfearedfor,lossofmanhood.

Incidences of heavy drinking and domestic violence are reactions to feeling emasculated

(Abuyi2014).

Sometimes, formen in this study, sexandsexualitywerewaysof regaininga senseof

theirlostordiminishedmasculinity.Asdescribedinthepreviouschapter,menexperienced

everyday racism and othering daily, and this othering often focussed on men’s sexual

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prowess.ThisresonateswithMorrellandOuzgane’sargument,that‘African’menareoften

seenastheultimateother(2005:7-8).AsSpronknotes,the‘particularideaofmeninAfrica

asbeingnotoriouslypromiscuousanddomineering…isnotanewobservation:manyscholars

haveaddressedthelonghistoryofstereotypingthesexualityofBlackpeople’(2014:505).70

Butalso,SpronkgoesontoexplainthatamongmaleyoungurbanprofessionalsinNairobi,

the‘connectionbetweensexandAfricannessisapowerfuloneformanymen’(2014:510).

While men in her study emphasised self-control and constraint as important masculine

qualities, manhood became more complex as multi-partnered sexual behaviour was also

seen as a cultural practice (stemming from polygamy as a cultural explanation and

justification).

Somemigrantmenusedthestereotypeofhypersexualandhighlypromiscuous‘African’

menfortheirownbenefits.Ezra,amanwithaWestAfricanbackground,whodidnotcome

toAustraliaonaPartnervisabutwhohadbeenmarried toanAustralianwoman,didnot

mindatalltalkingtomeaboutAfrican-Australianrelationships.ForyearsEzraworkedata

popularclubattendedbymanymigrantswithAfricanbackgrounds.Ingeneral,theclubwas

knownforitsmulticulturalatmosphere:theyservedfoodanddrinksfromacrosstheglobe,

held weekly salsa nights, drumming performances, and on weekends DJs would play

amongst other music, the newest music from the African continent. With his nightlife

experience—hecouldbefoundworkingintheclubalmosteveryweekend—Ezralaughingly

toldmehecouldtalk forhoursaboutwhathesawhappeningonthedance floor.But,he

said,makingsuchinformationpublic‘wouldbedisastrousformanymarriages,andwouldgo

againstmyworkethic’.

Ezraexplainedthatwhathesawontheweekendswasalsosomethinghehadpersonal

experiencewith.HeexplainedthatwhenhewasnewtoAustralia,hejustwantedto‘play’

70Spronkdescribeshowastereotypeof‘theAfricanman’stemsfromnotonlyseeingAfricaastheparadigmofdifferenceandlocalmodesofself-representationamongAfricans(2014:504),butalsohowitbecamereifiedbytheglobalhealthdiscourse.Africansexualities,Spronkargues,havenotbeenstudiedasindependenttopics,butrather,asaproblemrelatingtohealth,focussingonsuchthingsas:HIV/AIDS,domesticviolence,aswellasunwantedandabundantpregnancies.AsSpronk remarks, ‘adominantpicturearisesofmenasdomineeringandsometimesasbrutaland,hence,asperpetratorsofviolenceandinjusticeagainstwomen.…Men’ssexualityismostly studied in relation toAIDS, focusing onmulti-partnered sexual behaviour, violence and the use ofcondoms,whilehardlyeverbeingstudiedinrelationtointimacy,affectionorsexualpleasure’(2014:507).

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andenjoylifeasmuchashecould,withoutrealisingthattherewerenegativeoutcomesfor

hisactions.‘Ifyouwantyourmarriagetowork’,heexplained,‘youhavetostaystrongand

notbe temptedbyall theavailabilities, youhave tobe responsible’. ‘But’, headded, ‘the

temptations are luring, especially in bars and clubs where Australian women who are

interested inAfricanmenarenumerous’. Indeed,someAustralianwomenIspoketowere

onlylookingfor‘African’men,sayingthingslike:‘onceyougoblack,younevergoback’.

Theway thatmenwould sometimes express their sexualities and how this related to

self-worthbecameparticularlyclearwhentalkingtoEzra.Heexplainedthatifamanfeelshe

isnotgoodenough,itisverytemptingtoentertainadvancesfrombeautifulwomeninclubs.

However, Ezra also emphasised that, ‘of course, there aremen,marriedmen; they come

here[totheclub]toactivelychasewomen,andthengobacktobeautifulwivesathome’.

Jacobexplained thathe startedanaffairbecause ‘thatotherwomanmademe feel good,

and I did not feel good for a long time’. Like one other man, Jacob only confessed his

infidelity after we had established a friendship. When I first asked if he had ever been

unfaithful,Jacobhaddeniedit.Jacobmetthewomanhehadanextramaritalaffairwithina

nightclub. The nightlife scene, he explained, was particularly enjoyable as ‘it makes you

forgetyoursorrows’,‘meetingnewpeopleenergisesyou’,andbecause‘itwasreallyniceto

finallyfeellikeamanagain’,whenwomenshowedinterestinhim.

Feelingsof loneliness,non-belongingandproblemswithin intimate relationshipsmade

extramaritalsexualcontactanattractiveoption.Itseemedthatsexualprowessmadeupfor

thelossofcontrolandmanhoodexperiencedinintimaterelationships.Thesefindingsrelate

to theways inwhichEastAfricanmenusesex toregain theirsenseofmanhood,which is

threatenedbyeconomichardships inarapidlychangingworld.AsdescribedbyMargrethe

Silberschmidt (2001), men’s sense of self, social value and identity as breadwinners are

negativelyaffectedbyunemployment,lowincomesandwomen’sincreasedresponsibilities.

Multi-partnered sexual relationships and sexually aggressive behaviour are strategies to

increasefeelingsofbeingaman(2001:657).Inasimilarvein,somemeninthisstudyused

sexandsexualityaswaystoincreasetheirmasculineidentity,byenjoyingfemaleattention

andparticipatinginextramaritalsexualrelationships.

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Conclusion

This chapter illuminated the hardships male marriage migrants encountered after their

arrival inAustralia.Whatmen imaginedwouldbe the good life, often turnedout tobe a

concatenationofdisappointmentsanddifficulties.Marriagemigration,thus,didnotdeliver

thepromiseofhappinessmenhadanticipated,andaffectedmenasmen.Intheabove,Iset

out different factors that influencedmen’s sense of self and their perception of being a

worthwhile man, and that therefore severely affected the success of their marriage

migration journey.Tosummarise: falseexpectationsof the relationship;unfamiliargender

rolesandunbalancedgenderedpowerrelations; isolation,un/under-employment;andnot

beingable tosendhomesufficient remittanceswere themainhurdlesmigrantmen faced

whilstsettlinginAustralia.Mendependedontheirrelationshipfortheirvisastatus,aswell

astheircultural,socialandeconomicwellbeing.Dependenceontheirpartnerstothisdegree

wasnotforeseenorwhatmenexpectedwhatlifeinAustraliawouldbelike.

It has become evident, then, that the model of ‘unhappy husbands’, as provided by

Charsley(2005) isapplicabletotheeverydaysocialworldsofmigrantmen inrelationships

with sponsoring women. My findings link in with the work of Charsley (2005) and Gallo

(2005),whobothpinpoint thevarious formsofgendered imbalancesamongtransnational

couples.Bothauthorsdescribetheeffectsformalemarriagemigrantsintransnationalcross-

bordermarriagesandemphasisethe importanceof the lackofpatrilocality that formsthe

basisofstrugglesforcouples.WhilethemigrantmenIstudiedalsomovedawayfromtheir

homecountries, theydid so aspartof an intercultural relationshipwheremenknew that

their new intercultural relationshipsmay be different from a normative relationality back

home. However, what is important here is that while men did anticipate changes and

differencesbecausetheymovedtoanewcontext,theygenerallyanticipatedchangestobe

positive in character, and the differences minimal. Men’s false and overly optimistic

expectationswereoftenacompleteoppositetotheireverydayexperiencesinAustraliaand

consequently,theirsenseofself,theirnotionsofmasculinitywereseverelyaffected.

The complexities involved in such relationships, which may cause them to end, are

generallyignoredinthegeneraldiscussionaboutmarriagemigration.Alackofawarenessof

suchgendered issuesamongmalemarriagemigrants leads toa lackofunderstandingand

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support formigrantmen in Australia.With this chapter, I aimed to emphasise thatmale

marriagemigrantsfaceseverehardshipsontheirjourneysofmarriagemigrationthatshould

notbeignored,orsimplybrushedasidebecausethesemenarestereotypedasscamartists

orinsincerespouses.Furthermore,unhappinessamongmalemigrantscaneasilybeturned

into an argument against immigration: ‘they are not happyhere so they should return to

their homes’ (Verkuyten 2003: 151, cited by Tilbury 2007: 453). Such dissonance relates

happinesstoageographicalspaceinwhich‘outofplace-ness’resonateswithunhappiness.

But instead of the obvious solution ofmoving back, ideologically,migrantmen should be

considered as belonginghere, in Australia.Men are unhappy here, and ‘action should be

takenhere…todealwiththeemotionalimpactofdisplacement,throughapositivefocuson

”emplacement”’(Tilbury2007:454).

Butitwasnotonlythemigrantmenwhohadunmetandunrealisticexpectationsofthe

journeyofmarriagemigration.Also,sponsoringpartnerssooncametorealisethatmarriage

migrationdidnotleadtothemuchanticipatedhappilyeverafter.Inthenextchapter,Iturn

totheexperiencesofsponsoringwomenwiththehappinessprojectofmarriagemigration.

Chapter6:Sponsoringwomen’sexpectationsanddisappointmentsofintimaterelationshipsineverydaylife

Introduction

Thischapternarratessponsoringwomen’srelationshipexpectationsandtheirdisappointing

experienceswithjourneysofmarriagemigration.It illustrateswhothesewomenare,what

theyhadhopedfor,andhowwomen’sexpectationsofmarriagemigrationasapathwayto

everlastinghappinesswereoftenunmet.

Iwanttoflagthatthesearespecificwomenwithindividualexperiences,inrelationships

with specificmen froma rangeofbackgrounds. Their stories and lives arediverse, as are

theirpartners’ storiesand lives; consequently, their trajectoriesand intimate relationships

alsovaried.But,bythetimemyfieldworkcametoanend,outofthe18womenIworked

withextensively,11hadseparatedfromtheirmigrantpartner, leavingwomensignificantly

disillusioned.71It seemed that expectations of intimate cross-border relationships varied,

and that such variation can be related to twomain groups I identified amongmy female

interlocutors.Somewomenwere‘larger-than-average’and/or‘heavy’relativetonormative

expectations of women’s bodies in Australia. Otherwomenwerewithin a normalweight

range but tended to self-describe as ‘artistic’ and ‘free-spirited’. These physical and

personality-baseddistinctionsinfluencedthereasonsthatmyfemaleinterlocutorschoseto

beintheirrelationships.Theirembodieddifferencesalsoinfluencedtheirhopesanddesires,

aswellaswhattheyobtainedfromtherelationship.Inthischapter,afteroutliningtheideal

of intimate relationships as the fabric of women’s expectations, I address issues that

distinguishbetweenthetwotypesofwomen—byfirstelaboratingon larger-than-average-

womenandthenfocussingonartisticandfree-spiritedwomen.Yet,asnecessaryasitisto

draw distinctions between these two groups, there is also a significant overlap between

them indisappointmentsandrelationshippatternsaftersettling inAustralia.Therefore, in

71Outofthese11women,twohadsuccessfullyembarkedonnewjourneysofmarriagemigrationwithothermigrant men, whereas for one woman, a second marriage migration project had also failed. But also, forwomen thatwere still togetherwith theirpartners, certainexpectations remainedunmetand thesewomenalsofaceddisappointments.

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the lastsectionofthechapter Ionceagainturntothetotalofmydatasettodescribethe

unmetexpectationsandunhappyrealities.

To start this chapter, I share the story of Chloë. Her experiences with settling in

Australia—which I came to knowduring fourmeetings spread over sixmonths—illustrate

howthemuchanticipatednewphaseintherelationshipcanbeadishearteningexperience.

Chloë’s narrative also sheds lighton theways inwhichexpectations anddisappointments

aremeshedwithcertainexpectationsofintimacyandrelationships,withexpectationsofthe

particularpartner,andwiththewomen’ssenseofself.

Anunhappywife

ChloëandherpartnerrecentlymovedtoAdelaidetogether,andanewchapterofher life

hasbegun.Shewantstomakesureeverythingisorganisedandthatnothingwillgowrong

withthevisaapplication.Rightnow, it isallaboutsettlingdownandgettingtheir liveson

track.ChloëisoriginallyfromAdelaideandsoforher,movingherefeelslikegoing‘backto

normal’.Thisistheplacewhereshegrewupandwhereherfamilyandfriendslive.Shealso

knowsalltheattractions,allthedifferentbeaches,thenicerestaurants,thebestplacesto

goto.Butrightatthisstageoftheirlives,Chloëdoesnotfeeltheneedtoexploreanyofthis,

or to show her partner around. That can wait. Right now, it is about settling down and

startingafamilyoftheirown.

ChloëmadesureshehadajobtogotosoonafterarrivinginAdelaide.Luckily,herold

employerhadanopportunityforher.Sheisalsonotonlylooking,butassistingherpartner

tofindandapplyforjobs.Eachtimethereisavacancy,Chloëre-writeshiscoverletter.She

saysthatiftheysendhisdraft,hewouldnevergetajob:hissentencesare‘off’,heusestoo

manydifficultwords andhis grammar is not that goodeither. She really triesherbest to

makethingshappen,togethislifeinAustraliarunningsmoothly.Butsometimesitseemsas

ifhedoesnotwanta jobatall,as ifhe justprefers tobe lazingaroundathome.Soright

now,Chloëisthesoleprovider.Shedoesnotmindatall,assheunderstandshissituation.

But she does not like him going out and spendingmoney on beer at the hotel. That is a

wasteof theirmoney,which they should spendonmore important things.Also, shedoes

notlikehimsmokingandsowhenheneedsmoneyforcigarettes,shedoesnotwanttogive

ittohim.Hecansmokeusinghisownmoney,shereasons.

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Soonafterthemove,sherealisesthatshedoesnotrecogniseherpartneranymore.The

longertheyspendtogetherinAustralia,themoretheybecomeestranged.Shebelievesthat

he is the one that has changed. He used to be a ‘happy chatty guy’, motivated and

hardworking,andalwayswith‘timeonhishands’tospoilher.Heusedtotakeherout,call

herup,makeherfeellikeshewasthemostspecialwomanontheplanet.Hewouldnever

ceasetoamazeher,butnowitseemsasifhedoesnotcareaboutheranymore.Hedoesnot

get up to help her with the household chores, and he does not even greet her in the

morning.Themainthinghedoesistalkonhisphonewithpeoplefrombackhome.

Sometimesshewondersifhereallylovesher,orifhehaseverlovedher,atall.Whydid

hecomewithhertoAustraliaifhedoesnotevenloveher?Then,sometimes,shethinksitis

allajoke,andthathedidnotwanttobewithher,thathejustwantedto‘getout’andshe

wasagoodvehicle formoving forward.Whyelsewouldhe cease showing interest inher

fromthemomenthearrivedinAustralia?Thoughtslikethesemakeherfeelveryinsecure.

Shewonders if she isgoodenough;perhaps shedid somethingwrong. Itmakesher think

thateverytimeheisonhisphone,hemaybelookingforsomeoneelse.Cheatingissoeasy

thesedays!Theotherday,whenherpartnerindicatedthathewantedtogooutwithother

men,withouther,thatmadeherupsetanditcausedafight.Intheendhestayedhomewith

herandwatchedamovie.Ontheonehandshereallywantshimtogooutandmeetwith

people,make some friends, to really establishhimselfhere,buton theotherhand,every

timetherecomesanopportunityforhimtogoout,shegetsscared.

Therearetoomanystoriesoutthere,about‘African’menflirtingandpursuingwomen,

regardlessoftheirmaritalstatus.Shedidnotonlyhearaboutthesethings,butshealsosaw

itwithherowneyes:marriedmenpretending tobe single trying to ‘hit onher’.Andher

previous partner—also an ‘African’—he cheated on her, in the end. She knows that she

shouldnotgeneralise,buttobehonest,shewouldrathernothaveapartnerwholikestogo

outandpartyeverynight.Theyaretoooldtodosuchthings,anyway,shethinks,andhecan

makefriendsinanotherway.Andwhatiswrongwithherfriends?

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WhiteAustralianwomenandrelationshipexpectations

Chloë’s story illuminates how the hoped for happy journey ofmarriagemigration can be

experienced as a rather unhappy reality. The narrative also illustrates how women’s

insecurities,aswellasstereotypesabout‘African’menaresubtlyintertwinedandinfluence

partnerships significantly. The everyday lived reality of marriage migration, it seems,

obstructs the anticipated and hoped for happily ever after. Ahmed argues that ‘certain

objectsareattributedas theconditions forhappinesssothatwearrive“at” themwithan

expectationofhowwewillbeaffectedbythem,whichaffectshowtheyaffectus,evenin

themoment they fail to live up to our expectations.Happiness is an expectationofwhat

follows’ (2008: 7). Marriage, or more generally, intimate relationships, can be seen as a

happinessobject;andanintimaterelationshipassuchisan‘ingredientforagoodlife’.The

ideaorjudgementthatanintimaterelationshipbringshappinessisalreadymade,beforeitis

encountered. This, often, is why ‘happiness provides the emotional setting for

disappointment’(Ahmed2008:7).

AswasthecaseforChloë,other female interlocutorshadformerly imaginedthattheir

cross-borderloveswouldmakethemhappy.Suchideasofloveandrelationshipsleadingto

happiness are highly influenced by cultural constructions of femininity and normative

narratives about relationships. Women in Australia, Anne Summers (2006) notes, are

socialisedtobelievethat loveand intimaterelationshipswillvalidatethemaswomen ina

particularway.Summers(2006),followingJillJuliusMatthews’(1984)historicalmappingof

Australian femininities, analysed the conditions that shaped Australian femininities since

colonisation. The scarcity of white women and the unwanted presence of Indigenous

womeninAustralia’scolonialpastplacedanemphasison,notonlythedesireforromantic

and intimate relationships that culminate in marriage, but on motherhood as the only

acceptable expression of femininity.72Summers describes how women in Australia are

72Femininity can be ‘conceptualised as a script for performing cultural ideas’ that are considered feminine(Rezeanu 2015: 12). In Australia, as elsewhere, culturally and socio-historically constructed notions offemininity intersect with race and class. Not unlike other historical accounts of white femininity, earlyAustralianideasandidealsregardingfemininitysawtheidealbodyaspredominantlyBritish,white,youngandvirginal. ‘Pure’Australiangirlswouldbehardworkingandproductive—asAustralianconditionsofsettlementrequiredallhandsavailableforbuildingthisnewworld—butalwayswithinthepatriarchalorder(McPherson1994).Moreover, thewhite female bodywas viewed as amaternal body, as colonial anxieties encouraged

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consignedtwopossibledestinies,thatofa‘DamnedWhore’or‘God’sPolice’(2006).Thus,

women’sstatus insociety isbasedonstereotypesof ‘good’or ‘bad’womendependingon

whether women are family oriented and willing to maintain and reproduce patriarchal

authorityorwhethertheyresistthesescripts(Summers2006:255–6).Summersemphasises

thatwhatwasonceconstructedasessentialforthesurvivalofa‘white’nationisnow‘nota

matter of choice but a desperate necessity’ for a happy life (2006: 252). The absence of

choiceforwomen,sheexplains,is:

Disguised by the romanticmyths ofmarriage,myths that are so persuasively propagated that

eachgenerationofgulliblegirlsgrowsupbelievingthatthebestthingtheycandowiththeirlives

isdevotethemtomarriageandmotherhood,andthatfollowingthisvocationwillbestowitsown

rewardsofsatisfactionandhappiness(Summers2006:252).

Hsu-MingTeo(2005)statesthatfromthenineteenthcenturyonwards,notionsofromantic

love influenced the way in which Australian women in particular conceive marital

relationships.Teo(2005)demonstrateshowwomenembracedgenderedsocialscripts,often

asserted through consumer capitalism that largelymirrored conceptions of romance from

white middle-class values imported from the United States. In the US in the nineteenth

century,romanticlovewasunderstoodasprivateandspiritual,anditsultimategoalwasto

achieve intimacy inmarriage.Still forAustralians inthenineteenthcentury, ‘romantic love

was an emotional, moral, physical, and spiritual attraction believed to be a necessary

prerequisitetocourtship,withcompanionatemarriageasitsidealgoal’(Teo2005:177).In

this way, it was acknowledged that romantic love and by extension marriage promised

‘ecstasy and a feeling of empathy and completeness’, but also could produce ‘great

unhappiness, bitterness and despair’ (ibid.). Bernice McPherson (1994), in her historical

analysisoftheworksofpopularwriters,visualartistsandphotographers,explainsthatfor

womentoreproducetoincreasethewhitepopulation(Baird2006).Suchimageswereinstarkcontrasttotheideaoftheblack(Aboriginal)femalebodyas‘libidinous,wantonandbarbaric’(Featherstone2006:86).AfterWorldWarII,Featherstonenotes,newemphasiswasplacedonyouth,beautyandheterosexualattractiveness(2005:234).However,forwhitewomen,‘heterosexualityremainedtiedtoreproductionratherthantosexualfreedomorevensexualpleasure’(ibid.).PiniandPrevite(2013)arguethat inAustralia,normativenotionsofwhite femininity are strongly paired with class.Working-class women are depicted as the antithesis of the‘naturalised standard’ of the middle-class woman. Whereas the latter are perceived as ‘respectable’ and‘culturallyrecognisable’,workingclasswomenareseenas‘dirty’and‘vulgar’,as‘excessivelysexual,dirty,fat,lazy,andwelfaredependent…’(Pini&Previte2013:352).

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womeninthesamecentury,the‘ideal’whiteAustralianwomanwasthe‘completewoman’,

withcompletionbeingreachedthroughmarriage.

Yet,throughoutthetwentiethcentury,theimportingandreprintingofAmericanadvice

columns,self-helpbooks,articlesandadvertisements,resultedinashiftinthenotionoflove

(Teo2005:173).AsAustraliafollowedinthefootstepsoftheUS,notionsofromantic love

slowlytransformedtoincorporatetheimportanceofsexualpleasure,especiallyfromWorld

War II onwards.73The idea that romance should bring pleasure and happiness gained

ground, inparticular, through thepracticeof ‘romanticconsumption’.For instance,dating

insteadofcourting,aswellasgiftgiving,becamewaystoexpresslove,attractionandliking

(Teo2005).Consumercultureandadvertisinggraduallyshiftedfromafocusonwomenand

domesticity,toa‘nexusbetweenwomen,beauty,youth,romanticloveandconsumption…

(2005:182).Femininity,MarilynLakeargues, ‘wasbeginningtocastoff itspassivityas the

logicoftheincitementtopleasuretookitscourse(1990:274,citedbyTeo2005:182).Inthis

way, new practices were instilled in women’s minds through advertising and the

consumptionofromancenovels(Teo2005).74

Bythe1960s,marriagehadbecomeasymbolofromanticlove,andattentionwaspaidto

thequalityoftherelationshipbetweenhusbandandwife.Towardstheendofthetwentieth

century, ‘true love’ had become an important basis for marriage (van Acker 2003: 16).

Simultaneously, ‘intimacy’ became yet another layer to the idea of romantic love and

replaced‘passion’asitsmostimportantandmoreenduringfeature.Intimacy,understoodas

‘a deep communication, friendship, and sharing that will last beyond the passion of new

love’,hasbecomeanessentialcharacteristicoftheidealmarriage(Shumway2003:27,cited

by Teo 2005: 191). Thus, in Australia, nowadays, romantic love is an important factor in

choosingapartner,andplacescomplexand‘differentdemandsonrelationships’thanwas

73Still, during the depression-years of the 1930s and 1940s, marriage was perceived optimistically as itreflected ‘loyalty, commitment and obligation’ and it concerned ‘nurturing children and sustaining stabilitywithin the family’ (vanAcker2003:16).Genderroleswereclearlyorganisedasmenwerebreadwinnersandwomenwerewivesandmothersathome(ibid.SeealsoHenningham2001).

74Because of advertisementmainly being directed atwomen, Tao argues thatwomen first became familiarwith thenew idealsof romantic love.AfterWorldWar II,however, thisgender—aswellasage—disjunctiondisappearedandmenwereinfluencedbysimilarromanticideals(Teo2005:191).

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previously the case (van Acker 2003: 17). But while women have moved away from

stereotypes of ‘the Australian girl’ (McPherson 1994), amongst others, by the feminist

movement and secondwave feminism, its legacy remains (Curthoys 1993).Marriage and

motherhoodstillremaintiedtothedominantconstructionoffemininityinAustralia(Maher

2005;Campo2005).

Suchideasaboutintimaterelationshipsleadingtorespectabilityandacceptance,aswell

as romance andmotherhood became evident throughmy conversations with sponsoring

women.Forallinterlocutorsofthisstudy,andaswithallrelationships,themainmotivation

behind commencing a cross-border relationship was the expectation of a significantly

improved life (seealsoWilliams2010).Whereas formigrantmensuch improvementsmay

havepartlybeengeo-politicaloreconomic incharacter, forwomen,theactofbeing inan

intimaterelationshipseemedtobethedesiredpathtohappiness.Forsponsoringwomen,

romanticimaginariesoflove,intimacyandcommitmentwereimportantfactorsinpursuing

relationships.However,womenhaddifferentexpectationsofromanticrelationships—andin

turn of their partners—and two patterns became discernible. For the larger-than-average

women,bodilyinsecuritieshelpedshapetheirexpectationsandhopesoffindingacceptance

in their relationships. Artistic and free-spiritedwomen in turn, hoped to find a perceived

compatibility with their culturally other partner. In the next two sections, I elaborate on

women’s romanticexpectations. I first turn to the larger-than-averagewomenanddiscuss

howtheirunhappinessanddiscomfortinfluencedtheirmotivationsandrelationships.Then,

Ianalyse theartisticand free-spiritedwomen’smotives forbeing in the relationships,and

whattheydesiredoftheirpartnersandrelationships.

Experiencesofmarriagemigrationamongsponsoringwomen

Larger-than-averagewomen’sexpectationsofrelationshipsandpartners

Whilewomenmaybesocialisedtobelievethatmarriageandintimaterelationshipswilllead

tohappy lives,notallwomenI interviewedseemedtofeel itwaseasytofind love. Inthis

section, I elaborateonhow larger-than-averagewomen felt theirbodieswereobstructing

theirchanceofromanticlove,andthewomen’sstrategiestoresolvesuchobstructions.One

solution was pursuing a relationship with an ‘African’ man, who, these women believed

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and/or hoped,would be accepting of largerwomen’s bodies.Women often placedmuch

focusontheirpartner’sbodiesaswell,andespeciallyappreciatedmen’sactiveromantictalk

and behaviour. Another path to happier lives, in some cases, was dieting and cosmetic

surgery.However, itappearedthatbothstrategieswere limited intheirsuccess,andeven

then,womenremainedinsecureintheirbodiesaswellasintheirrelationships.

Half of the18 sponsoringwomen I talked towere strikingly self-conscious about their

bodies.75Fromthesevenwomenthatexpressedtheirunhappinesswithbeingoverweight,

four had undergone surgery to become thinner. Two other women said they felt

uncomfortable in their bodies, as they were notably older than their partners. Culturally

constructednotionsofthebodyinfluencedwomen’sperceiveddesirability.InAustralia,the

idealwhitefemalebodymirrorsAnglo-Europeanhegemonic imagesoftheyoung,thinand

controlled body (See for example,Musolino et al. 2015; Kenny& Adams 1994).76For the

‘larger-than-average’ women in this study, it seemed that their inability to comply with

beautyidealsproducedinsecurityintheirownbodiesthataffectedtheirperceivedchances

offindinglove.77

75However,notallbiggerwomenwereinsecureintheirbodies,andtwoofthemostsuccessfulrelationships,inwhichthecouplehadbeentogetherforoveradecade,werebetweenmigrantmenandlarger-than-averagewomen. Sevenoutof18 (ex)relationshipswerebetweenpartnerswhoboth fittedwithinhegemonicbeautystandards in Australia (not too thin or too big) and with no remarkable age dissimilarities between thepartners.

76That the thin body is more of an ideal than a normative reality is implied by, for instance, by Swinburn(2003), who observes that obesity is considered to be an epidemic in Australia. Britton et al. note that anincreasingdiscrepancybetweenculturalidealsandtherealityoffemalebodieshasledto‘bodydissatisfactionasanormativeexperience’(2006:247).MorethanhalfofAustralianwomen,accordingtoTimperioetal.,areattemptingsomeformofweightcontrol,withjustfewerthan3percentofthemactivelytryingtogainweight(2010:417).

77Thatbodiescanbereadmeansthatbodiescanexpresscorevaluesofacultureorsociety(Seeforexample,Bordo 1993). In relation to beauty, thismeans ‘attractiveness is thatwhich is found ideologically appealingwithinanoverarching setof values’ (Reischer&Koo2004:300).AsBordoobserves inherbookUnbearableWeight:Feminism,WesternCulture,andtheBody(1993),abodybecomesthesymbolforattitude.Thebody’ssizeandshapeappearstodisplayaperson’smoralstate,aperson’sabilityforcommitmentandself-control.InanAnglo-Europeancontextwherefat isseenasodious,abigbodysignalstheindividual’s inabilitytocomplywith, or fit in with, his or her larger social world. While thinness as a beauty ideal is prevalent in manysociocultural contexts, fatness is cherishedas a feminine ideal among, for instance, ethnic groups inNigeriaand in the Sahara Desert (Popenoe 2004; Brink 1995). Also, among some African-American women, larger

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Exceptforoneinterlocutor,womenwhohadissueswiththeirbodiescamefromlower

socio-economicbackgrounds.Noneofthewomenhadtertiaryeducationandmostofthem

workedinagedcareorwereondisabilitypensions.Thesewomendidnottalkmuchabout

theirfamilyorsocio-economicbackgrounds.AttimeswhenItriedtointroducethetopicof

theirupbringing,Igotasensethattheywereboredwiththatlineofquestioning.Sarah,for

instance,describedherfamilyinverygeneralterms.Shestatedinamatter-of-factwaythat

she had a few siblingswho all live in Adelaide, and that theywouldmeet each other on

birthdaysandatothercelebrations‘allthetime’.Theywouldalsohavebarbecuesoverthe

weekend,would go out for drinks, ‘and stuff like that’. She describedher family as being

veryclose,andsometimesloudandrude.

AlthoughSarah’smentionofloudnessmayprovideacertainimageofherfamily,itdoes

not saymuchaboutherbackgroundper se.However,during the timewespent together,

sometimeswithherfriendsorfamilypresent,andthroughsocialmedia,Ilearnedalotabout

her life and lifestyle. The first time I met Sarah was at an African women’s event in the

summerof2015.ShewasoneofthefewAnglo-Europeanwomenpresentandshedrewmy

attentionbecauseofherhighheels, tattoosand themultiplechainsaroundherneck that

were dangling in her cleavage. Her runny mascara revealed she had been crying. In the

middleofaspeechonwomen’sempowerment,shewalkedoutof therelativelysmallbut

packed room. I rushedafterher, as Iwas concernedaboutherwellbeing. Sarahpromptly

began talking about her abusive husband who was the reason for her being upset. She

wantedtoshareherstorywithme,butwasalsoinarushtogettoafamilygathering.We

agreedtomeetupforacoffeethenextweek.Shehadinvitedmetoherhouse,whereshe

greetedmewithahappyface,loudmusic,cocacolaandpotatocrisps.Wesatandtalkedfor

aboutanhourbeforehersisterNaomiarrived.Shehadtoldhersisteraboutmeandsince

Naomi also married a migrant man, she was interested in talking to me, too. Naomi

completelytookovertheconversationandconstantlybelittledandtalkedoverheryounger

sisterSarah.

bodies are preferred over thin bodies, which can be read as resistance to hegemonic structures in society(Rubinetal.2003;Hughes1997).

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ThenexttimeImetSarah,she‘tookmeoutforlunch’bygoingtothedrive-throughat

McDonaldswhereshegotintoafightwiththegirlplacingourorder;wehadtothinkfora

timewhileshewaitedinfrontofthemicrophoneandaccordingtothegirl,weweretooslow

in placing our order. Consequently, Sarah gave the girl an impressive scolding which

galvanisedmyresolvetoneverriskbeingonSarah’sbadside.Whenwegothomesheonly

ate two chicken nuggets and a handful of chips. She explained that since her ‘stomach

removal’,shecouldnoteatalot,somethingshedidnotparticularlyenjoy,althoughshewas

happywiththeweight lossresults.Sarahtoldmeaboutherplanstogooutthatweekend

butwas not surewhere shewould go yet. Shewanted to go to a placewith ‘lots of hot

Africanmen’andwas looking foranAfrican themednight.When Ihappened tomeether

thatweekend,shewaswearing impressivehighheels,brightandglamorous jewelleryand

brightredlipstick.Shewasdisappointedbecause‘therewerehardlyanyAfricansout’.

AsdescribedinChapter4,thereisaperceptionthatonly‘desperatewomen’chooseto

bewith‘African’men.Itseemedfrommyinformalconversationsthatsuchwomencomein

two categories: young, obese women who are desperate to belong and in search of

attention, and older, larger and/or lonely women who are desperate for love and

companionship. While none of the women I interviewed and who practised marriage

migrationexpressedanyabnormaldesperationorafearoflivingalone,womendidexpress

their desire or preference for being in a committed relationship. Their desires fit with

dominant discourses of love and marriage in Australia, as described above. They shared

commentssuchas:‘itisnicertohavedinnertogether’,‘togetherisjustmuchmorefunthan

beingalone’,and‘Ijustreallywanttobewithamanwholovesme,youknow?’.But,noneof

the women directly linked their desires for romantic love to cultural ideas and opinions

abouttheirbodies.

Yet,becausemanywomenwhowerelarger-than-averagesaidthat‘African’menwould

love big women, it seemed that body size was a reason to look for a migrant partner.

Womenmayhavebasedsuch ideasonstereotypes,butalsoon theirpartners’ comments

thatthey,as‘African’men,preferredbiggerwomen,andinparticularlovedtheirpartner’s

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body.78Naomiexplainedthat‘Africanmenjustlovetohaveabiggerwoman’,because,she

argued,‘theylikesomeonetohold’.Skinnywomen,shereasoned,wouldnothave‘proper

asses’,and inAfrica,according toher,peoplewould likebody fatas itwouldbea signof

wealthandhealth.

Mostlarger-than-averagewomenIinterviewedwhohadmigrantpartners,regardlessof

practisingornotpractisingmarriagemigration,held thesebeliefs. Sodidwomenwhodid

not have a partner but were looking for relationships with ‘African’ men only. They all

agreedthatfor‘Africans’,bigbodiesareconsideredmorebeautifulandasignofprosperity.

Thesewomenalsohadasimilarlifestyle:quiteafewhadundergone‘stomachremovals’,as

theywouldcalltheprocedureofhavinggastricsleevesurgeryandtheywouldgooutlooking

for ‘African’men and/or be on dating siteswith an eye just for ‘African’men. Diana, for

instance,asignificantlyoverweightwomaninherlatethirtieswhohasdatedonlymenfrom

thecontinentofAfricaoverthelasttenyears,continuouslyremarkedonhow‘realmenlove

realwomen,andrealwomenhaveahealthybooty’.Almostdaily,Dianapostedphotosof

herself on social media, celebrating her body. More women would post photos of

themselvesonsocialmedia,posing inaway thatmade their ‘bums’ lookespecially round

andtheirhipswell shaped.At thesametime,otherwomenregularlyupdatedabout their

post-surgery recovery and weight loss success in order to receive compliments and

encouragingrepliesfromfriendsandrelatives.

Whatstruckmeweretheseeminglycontradictivenarratives:ontheonehand,women

weredietingand/orundergoingsurgeryinordertobecomethin,whilesimultaneously,they

underscored how big bodies were beautiful and how ‘African’ men preferred their full

bodiesandespecially,theirbuttocks.Atafirstglance,perceptionsofAfricanbeauty ideals

seemed to providewomenwith a solution for problems they experiencedwith their own

bodies;itprovidedthemwithaspaceinwhichtheirbodiescouldbecelebrated,insteadof

beingperceivedasproblematic.Men’sinterestinlargerbodies,perceivedasundesirablein

thewiderAustraliancontext,ledinitiallytomuchgreaterfeelingsofself-worthforwomen.

78People in African contexts may have different ideas and ideals regarding beautiful bodies than what isimaginedaboutAfricanbeauty ideals inAustralianorAnglo-Europeancontexts. It furthermore seems that ageneralobsessionwithAfricanbeautyinrelationtobigfemalebuttocksisrelatedtospecificcolonialhistoriesandnarratives,asdescribedbyGilman(1985).

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Suddenly,womenwereperceivedasattractiveandassexy.This,inturn,increasedwomen’s

confidence inthe ideathat ‘African’men lovebigbodies.Men’spreferenceforbig female

bodiesalsoseemedtosolvetheissueofnotbeingabletoloseenoughweight,as‘realmen’

wouldappreciatefullerbodiesanyway.KimChernin(1981)argues,bothanorexicaswellas

obesewomen share a hostility and discomfortwith their bodies in their cultural contexts

andfeelliketheirbodiesarenotacceptedintheirsocialworld.Largerthanaveragewomen,

byhavingamigrantpartner,movedfromasocialworldwheretheyfelt theirbodieswere

disapprovedof,toacontextinwhichtheirbodieswouldbedesired.

Butwomenwhodidnotfitinwiththebeautyidealofthinnessand/orfitnesscontinued

to consider their bodies a problematic site, despite their relationships. The significant

discomfortwomenexperiencedwiththeirbodyand itsplace insocietybecameclearfrom

thestrikingnumberofwomenwhounderwentgastricsleevesurgery(orsimilarprocedures),

either during or in-between relationships withmigrantmen. According to Sander Gilman

(1998), the dramatic rise and acceptance of aesthetic surgery mirrors the idea that ‘ill

bodies’ canbe cured easily, to fitwithwhat is socioculturally desired.Gilman also argues

thatsurgeryisbelievedtohealthemind,asahealthyandstrongbodyreflectsahealthyand

strongpsyche(1998).Thatwomentookcontrolovertheirbodies,byundergoingsurgeryto

reduce weight, and simultaneously celebrated the voluptuous body by choosing partners

acceptingoftheirbodies,canbeunderstoodasagentiveactionsaimedatself-improvement

bothwithinandagainstaculturalcontextobsessedwiththinness.

However, what is presented as choice, such as to opt for surgery or a cross-border

relationship, can also be understood as a calculated necessity. Yet, such choices did not

seemtosolvewomen’sinsecuritieswiththeirownbodies.Feministscholars,suchasAvelie

Stuart & Ngaire Donaghue (2011), critique the so-called free choice women have when

consideringculturallyconstructedideasaboutbeautyintheireverydaylife.Theyargue,that

‘choicehasbecomethebottom-linevalueofpostfeminism…solongasawoman’sactionsor

circumstances are considered a result of her own choices, no further analysis or

problematisation of them is welcome or warranted’ (2011: 99). Choice, in this way, is

portrayedasanultimateneoliberalistachievement,allthewhileforgettingaboutorignoring

the positionality of women’s bodies within larger cultural frameworks. As Stuart and

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Donaghue remark, ‘The postfeminist promise of liberation through empowered choice is

overwhelminglypackagedwithin the crushingly cruelbeauty images thatWesternwomen

arejudgedagainstandincitedtoemulate’(2011:99.Seealso,Gill2006;Jeffreys2005;Wolf

1990).79

Womenwhoseemed insecure in theirownbodieswereactively trying to resolvesuch

bodilyissues,eitherby‘fixing’theirbodiestofitinwithsocioculturalbeautynorms,and/or

bypursuingarelationshiptheyhopedwouldmakethemhappydespitetheirbodysize.That

women underwent surgery (or were actively dieting) indicated that relationships with

‘African’mendidnotsolvetheir issuesofself-worth.Furthermore,womenmightnothave

felt secure in their relationships, as they often remained suspicious of their partner’s

acceptanceoftheirbodies,andperhapsmen’smotivesforbeingintherelationships.

ForJade,herhusband’syoungerage(hewas17yearsherjunior)andherroleasmother

of two grown-up daughters also made her very self-conscious and uncomfortable in her

body.Shefeltthathavinghadtwochildrenhadaffectedherbodysignificantly.Jadedidnot

thinkofherbodyasbeautiful,butratherugly,andthereforeneverunderstoodwhyherex-

partner Desmond had been attracted to her. She felt that she ‘looked like a cow’ and

wonderedwhyaman‘asgorgeousandfitasheis’,wouldbewithan‘oldanduglywoman

likeme’.JadehadmetDesmondonline.BeforehemovedtoAdelaidehehadcomplimented

hercontinuously,saidthat‘ageisjustanumber’andhadtoldherthathavinghadchildren

made her ‘extra beautiful’. But as soon as he arrived in Adelaide, Jade told me, he had

stoppedgivinghercompliments,andshehadinstantlyfeltthathedidnotloveheranddid

notthinkshewasbeautiful.Herpartner’schangedbehaviourhadmadehervery insecure.

Fromwhat Jade toldme, it seemed that she had been afraid that this would happen all

along.WhenIaskedherwhyshehadstartedarelationshipwithhimifshewassoconcerned

abouttheagegap,sheexplainedthathispersistenceandromantictalkkeptherintrigued.

Shealsogaveadescriptionabouthisbody,whichwasas ‘fitascanbe’andsaidhehada

79It appears that women can make choices as freely as they want, as long as it does not endanger theirfemininity.Infact,‘theculturalprivilegeattachedtobeautycreatesacompellingreasonforwomentoengagein beauty practices’ and in this way, ‘are a means by which women can enhance their status within thedominantsocialorder’(Stuart&Donaghue2011:100).Thus,women’schoicetoparticipateinbeautyritualsisnotsomethingoptional,butinreality,issociallyconsequential.

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‘beautifulsmile’.Jadeconfessedthatshehadneverseensuchabeautifulbody,‘muscular,

thatchocolatecolour’,somethingshefeltshecouldonlydreamof.Andsheatfirstcouldnot

believethatamanthishandsomewasshowinginterestinher.

Jade’s story illustrates that relationships influence self-confidence. Whereas at first

relationships boostedwomen’s sense of self, eventually, relationships negatively affected

women’sconfidence.Partly,thisseemedtobeaconsequenceofmen’sdifficultieswiththeir

migration journeys, and sometimes because of men’s decreasing attention or paying of

compliments. But simultaneously, it seemed thatwomenhadhoped their partnerswould

love them for themselves,and thatasa result, theirbodily insecuritieswouldnotmatter.

Thiswasanaspirationthatturnedouttobetooambitious.Thesesometimesyoungerand

often exceptionally fitmen complimenting themandwooing themhadmade thewomen

feelveryspecial—afeelingtheyhadnothadinalongtime,andwhichwassomethingthey

didnotexpecttoexperience.Simultaneously,relationshipsdidnotseemtosolvesuchbodily

issues,butinfactonlymadethemreappearevenstrongerthanbefore.

Often,larger-than-averagewomenalsoplacedparticularimportanceontheirperceived

partners’blackmasculinity.80The ‘Africanness’oftheirpartnerseemedtobean important

factor in the desired happiness the relationships promised. As has been described in

previouschapters, frommyownobservationsand interviewswithwhiteAustralians,male

andfemale,‘African’men,andtheblackmalebodycanbecauseforuncomfortablefeelings,

for sexual fears and arousals, and a general confrontationwith the unknown (See Fanon

1986[1952];Saint-Aubin2005).Scholarshiponcross-bordermarriagesandrelationships,sex

and romance tourism explains how race is sexualised and eroticised. For white women,

especially,theblackmalebodyisanexoticandattractivesite(seeforinstanceHeroldetal.

2001;Jacobs2009;Pruitt&LaFont1995).Mostlarger-than-averagewomenexplainedthat

80 For12outofthe18womenIworkedwithandwhoareorhavebeeninrelationshipswithmigrantmen,the‘African’ male body was desired, and was an underlying reason for starting the relationship. I want toemphasisethatthissection,aswellasthenext,describeswomen’sreasoningforpursuingrelationshipsafterIasked them specifically about their motivations for being with their partners, or wanting to pursue arelationshipwiththeirpartnersatthetime.Ispecificallyaskedaboutthe‘why’inrelationtotheirchoiceforamigrant man. Therefore, sponsoring women’s answers may be more directed towards racialisations andstereotypesthanifthatquestionwasraisedoutsideoftheframeofthisstudy.

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they simply felt attracted to black men, as their bodies would be softer, stronger, more

muscular,theywouldbe‘wellhung’,andtheirskintonemorebeautifulthanmenofother

races.

Also,certaincharactertraitswerelinkedtothe‘Africanness’ofthepartner,and,women

believed,stoodinstarkcontrasttothoseofAustralianmen.Somewomensaidtheyfell in

love with their partner because of his dominance, romantic talk and his paying of

compliments.Australianmen,apparently,wouldneverbe thatopenand sweet. Itwasan

‘Africanthing’,womenexplained,thatmenwereclearaboutwhattheywantedandwould

doanythingtoconquertheheartofthewomantheypursued.Itmadethewomenfeelvery

special. For Jade, as described above,Desmond’s ‘Africanness’was not only visible in the

colourofhisskin,butalsobecameapparent,shefelt,fromhis‘smoothtalking’.Eventhough

her relationshiphadended, she still felt that therearedifferencesbetween ‘African’men

andAustralianmen.‘African’menwouldbemoreattentive,morecomplimentaryandmore

macho. ‘They are real men, if you know what I mean, and they know how to please a

woman’,sheexplainedasshewinkedatmeandgiggled.Jadefeltthat‘African’menknow

howtomakewomenfeelbeautifulandloved.

Samantha,awomaninhermid-twentiesandmarriedtoThomas,sharedJade’sopinion

that ‘African’ men would be better partners than Australian men. Thomas had come to

AustraliaasastudentaboutfouryearsbeforeIinterviewedhim.Thecouplehadmetwhile

hewasstillstudyinginAustralia.Afterbeingtogetherforjustoverayear,Thomas’svisawas

abouttoexpireandsotheydecidedtoapplyforaPartnervisa.WhenSamanthaandImet

upforbrunchinoneofAdelaide’ssuburbsnearthesea,wefoundourselvestalkingabout

our partners. I asked her if she ever thought about the colour of her partner’s skin as a

reasonforherattractiontohim.Samanthasimplyansweredthatshe‘justpreferredAfrican

men’,astheywould‘lookbetter,treatwomenbetterandarebetterlovers’.Sheknewthis,

she said,becauseallherboyfriendshadbeen ‘great lovers’, implying thatallherpartners

hadbeenblack.Shealsoconfessedthatshecouldconfirmthestereotypeofblackmenand

their penis size, because whilst she had no experience with white men, all her previous

partnershadbeen‘blessedinthatarea’.

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ForJo,whometherhusbandRobertoverthirtyyearsago,itwasnosurpriseshewould

share her life with an ‘African’ man, as she recalls how she always ‘just knew’ that her

husbandwouldbe‘ablackman’.WhenshemetRobert,sheknewitwashim,eventhough

shewas a bit disappointed by his ‘ordinary name’, Robert, instead of ‘something African,

somethingtraditional, likeChidikeorsomethingexotic’.Joreflectedonherfirstencounter

withherhusbandRobertwhenthethreeofusweresittingaroundtheirkitchentableinan

Adelaidesuburb.Both JoandRobert laughedcordiallywhen recollecting their lovestory’s

beginning. Jo firmly believed that their relationship was meant to be, and related her

knowingtoaprofoundexperienceinheryouth.Wheninthebuswithhermotherasayoung

girl, Jodroppedherhat. Itwashard forher to reach it as ithad slidunderneath the seat

behindher.Suddenly, Josawablackhandreachingout toherholdingherhat.Whenshe

lookedup,shesawa‘darkmanwithagrandsmile’,handingherthehat.Jofeltitwasthat

momentthatsherealisedshewouldbedestinedtomarryablackman.However,shesaid

she had always found that strange, since when she was young, she almost never

encounteredblackmen.

Jo’sstoryinparticularindicateshowtheideaandidealoffindingone’s‘chosenone’to

livehappilyeverafterwithcanintersectwithfocussingontheexoticother.Womenrelied

on stereotypesof ‘African’masculinities andpreferred thesemenbecauseof theirbodies

and perceived character traits, which included their perceived acceptance and desire of

largerwomen’sbodies.Womeninitiallyromanticised‘African’menandfeltthattheirbodies

andtraitswouldmakethemperfectpartners,andthatcross-borderrelationshipswouldlead

toahappyfuturenototherwiseavailabletothem.However,suchidealisationsofpartners

andexpectationsofrelationshipsoftendidnotbecomearealityformostofthesewomen.In

thelonger-term,intimaterelationshipsdidnotmakewomenfeelvalidatedandpartnersdid

notalwaysliveuptowomen’sexpectations.Inthenextsection,Iturntotheeightwomen,

whom I call ‘artistic’ and ‘free-spirited’, whose motivations for their relationship were

differenttothegroupabove.Thesewomenstatedthattheywereattractedtotheirmigrant

partners based on a perceived compatibility between their own interests and beliefs and

theirpartner’sculturalbackground.

Artisticandfree-spiritedwomen’sexpectationsofrelationshipsandpartners

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AlmostallofthewomenIworkedwithcommentedontheirpartners’physicalappealwhen

talking about their initial attraction. However, eight women also emphasised that

compatibility,basedonwomen’sown ideasabout theirpartner’s culturalbackgroundand

otherness, were reasons for pursuing an intimate relationship. Assumptions about the

prospectivepartner,basedonbackgroundandculture, turnedout tobesubtle, important

andsometimesdecisive factors incommencinga relationship.Perceptionsof ‘Africanness’

asrepresentinglifemovingataslowerpace,thatisnon-consumeristandnon-capitalist,but

‘natural’and ‘spiritual’weretraitswomenascribedto theirpartners,andthatwomenfelt

matchedtheirownlifestyles.

Thewomenwhoplacedimportanceonculturalcompatibility,imaginedorotherwise,can

be described as artistic and free-spirited. Women identified themselves as spiritual,

alternative,andcreative, traitsnotreflectingconventionalmiddle-classvalues inAustralia.

Sophie,forinstance,describedbothherselfandherfriendwhoalsomarriedanAfrica-origin

man, as ‘adventurous, against the grain and just different’. These women had unique

personalities and had taken many different directions in their lives. With various

occupations—somewereself-employed,whileothersworkedforgovernmentinstitutionsor

universities—they seemed to be difficult to categorise. Interestingly, what they had in

commonwas that all of themhadoneormore creative sideprojectsbeside their regular

jobs;theseincludedperformingmusic,managingasecond-handshop,orwritingpoetry.

Artisticandfree-spiritedwomenaspiredtobeinlovingandcompanionaterelationships

and felt that these ‘different’menwere a goodmatch to their own ‘different’ identities.

Compatibility is an important aspect of intimate and companionate relationships, which

require an emotional and intimate bond with an equal partner (Giddens 1992; Hirsch &

Wardlow 2006). Thewomen themselves pointed to their own otherness and ‘alternative’

identities,whichtheybelievedwouldbecompatiblewiththeirpartner’sotherness.Theyfelt

that their interests, lifestyles and life philosophies accorded better with their migrant

partners’lifestylechoicesandculturalbackgroundratherthanwiththoseofAustralianmen.

Thus, even though women felt they were different to other Australian women, they still

pursuedthesamehopesofhavingacompanionaterelationship.

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WhilenoneofthesewomencompletelydisregardedAustralianmenassuitablepotential

partners,theyexplainedthattheirparticularculturalbackgrounds,upbringingsandlifestyle

choices simply corresponded more naturally with those of their migrant partner. Sophie

explained that her own upbringing had led her to live an artistic and ‘different’ lifestyle,

which consequently explained her relationship choices. She described her upbringing as

culturally and intellectually rich. Her parents encouraged her to read literature, visit the

theatre and to be curious about theworld. At home, they listened to a broad variety of

music, ranging from classical and opera, to world music, including by artists from the

continent of Africa. Sophie remembered that from the very beginning she always felt

particularlydrawntoAfricanmusicgenres,aswellasmusicperformedbyAfrican-American

artists.

Sophie’sloveformusic,togetherwithherparents’stimulusprovidedthemotivationsfor

hertraveltoAfricaforadrummingcourse.ItwasinthatAfricancountrythatSophierealised

andexperiencedwhatshethoughtshewantedfromlifeandhowtoliveit:asimplelifewith

afocusoncommunityandfamily,andanappreciationoftheworldasitis.Thiswayoflife

was directly opposite to Sophie’s sense of a typical Australian way of life, which she

perceived to be mainly consumption oriented and individualistic. She had hoped to live

happily ever after with Anthony, her now ex-husband, whom she met during that trip.

Unfortunately,when they settled inAustraliaAnthonyhadnot turnedout to be theman

thatshehopedhewouldbe.Anthony,whobackhomehadbeencharismatic,charmingand

dominant,hadbecomeaquietanddisengagedman.Heseemed tobeadifferentperson.

Whenthemarriageended,Sophiesoughtanewpartner.ShefeltthatanartisticAustralian

mancouldcertainlybeapotentialmatch.However,shemarriedLucas,anotherAfrica-origin

man, and explained that his love for nature, simple life, his interests in music, food and

family—theircommonalities—weremoreencompassingandthatherpersonalinterestsand

lifestylechoiceswouldbesharedmorereadilywithhim.

Artistic and free-spirited women seemed more adventurous and showed broader

interests in art, cultural activities such as attending festivals, dance performances and

museums, and global issues compared to the larger-than-average women. Charlotte, for

instance,managedanNGOinAfrica,whereshehadmetherpartner.Shetravelledbackand

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forthonaregularbasis,butpreferredtomovetherepermanently.‘WhatwouldIdothen,

withanAustralianpartner’,sheexplained,‘whoisnotinterestedinthatcountry,mycause,

andwhodoesnotknowaboutanythingIaminterestedinandpassionateabout!’.Toher,it

made sense that she is together with her Zachary. Similarly, Eileen, who had met her

husbandwhensheattendedadrummingcourseinAfrica,describedbeingtogetherwithher

partnerMark as a logical result of their shared interests. At that time, she was studying

musicatauniversityinMelbourne,andherhusband-to-bewasatalenteddrummer.Asthey

both lovedthemusicandsharedtheirpassionforrhythm,shefeltthat itwasunlikelyshe

wouldfindthisconnectionwithanAustralianman.

Emmareasonedthatherindividuality,spiritualityandpoliticaloutlookwereinterestsshe

sharedwithherpartnerMatthew.Emmaexplainedthatshehadalwaysfeltherselftobea

free-spirited person, following her own path. When she was younger, her parents and

siblings always knew that shewould go about things differently. It therefore came as no

surprise to any of them that she decided to travel overseas by herself, even though she

described the decision for her to go as an unaccompaniedwomanwas ‘quite rare at the

time’.Inherearlytwenties,EmmatravelledthroughsouthernEuropeforafewmonths,to

exploreher‘roots’. ItwastherewhereshemetherhusbandMatthew.Emmafeltthather

being‘different’explainedwhyshedoesnothavea‘mainstream-lookingorculturallysimilar

husband’. She emphasised that while they may look different, the norms, values and

personalityofherandherhusbandareverysimilar.

BothEmmaandSophiehada strong connectionwith their families, andvalued family

significantly.Duringmyfieldwork,theywouldoftenexpresshowpresenttheirfamilieswere

intheirlives.Perhaps,thisimportanceplacedonthefamily,ratherthantheindividualwas

another real or perceived commonality they shared with their partners. Such narratives

illustratehownotonlywomenwerelookingfora‘mate’,alikemindedpartnertosharetheir

liveswith,but alsohowa ‘cultural’match toanextentbecomes racialised.Womenoften

simplified,idealisedandromanticisedthecontinentofAfricaanditsimaginedwayofliving.

Suchgeneralstereotypesabout‘Africa’weresoughtafterandascribedtotheirpartnersina

waythatwasmeaningfulforthem.

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Within social psychology, stereotypes are understood in variousways. Generally, they

are viewed as ‘an inevitable consequence of the psychological and cognitive need to

categoriseandsimplifyacomplexsocialworld’(Augoustinos&Walker1998:629).Discursive

psychologyemphasisesthatsuchcategorisationisnotmerelyacognitiveprocess,butrather

a ‘social establishment’, that categories are socially constructed (1998: 640–1). Some of

theseconstructions,AugostinosandWalkerargue,‘aresofamiliar,pervasiveandcommon-

sensicalthatthey“giveaneffectofrealism”orfact’(1998:641).Inthisway,people‘come

to regard some constructions not as versions of reality, but as direct representations of

realityitself’(ibid.).Likewise,thewomenIspoketooftenhintedathow‘African’menwould

bedifferentfromAustralianmen,andwhenIaskedabouttheirreasonsforbeingwiththeir

partners,theyoftengaveanswersdescribingtheirperceptionof‘Africans’ingeneral,rather

thanoftheirspecificpartners;theywererelyingonstereotypes.

Butwhilewomenweresometimesovertlypositiveabout‘Africa’andtendedtooverlook

the heterogeneity of the continent, simultaneously, women who were still with their

migrantpartnersevidentlysharedmanycommonalities.Thesewomen,whileidealisingthe

continentandromanticiseditswayofliving,werewithpartnersthatmatchedtheirlifestyle

choicesandnotnecessarilywithan‘African’forthesakeofbeingwithan‘African’.

Although I differentiate between larger-than-average women and artistic and free-

spiritedwomen,therewasoverlapbetweenthetwogroupsofwomen.Thecategoriespoint

to patterns but are not set in stone. Some of the artistic and free-spirited women, for

instance,alsoplacedalargeemphasisontheirpartner’sbodyandstyleofmasculinity.Anne,

forexample,expressedhowshehadimaginedhernowex-partnerBoristobeherprotector,

withwhomshecouldfeelsafe.WhenshemetherpartnerinAfrica,heshowedhertheway;

hehadbeenherculturalbroker,theonewhomadesurenothingbadwouldhappentoher.

AnneexplainedhowBorisplayedavitalroleinthewaysheexperiencedthecountryshehad

travelledtoforherdrummingcourse.Boris,anexcellentdrummerhimself,hadbeenoneof

the students’ supervisors at the drumming camp. The students—all young,mostly female

andall fromAnglo-Europeancountries—wereallocatedaguest family inthevillagewhere

themusicschoolwas located. InAnne’scase,Borischaperonedherfromherhousetothe

schoolandback,everyday.Hehadshowedheraroundthevillage: tothemusichalls, the

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beachesandthemarkets.ThankstoBoris, thevillagehadbecomeacomfortableplacefor

Anne. And not only had Boris been very helpful, Anne remembered him too as an

exceptionallyhandsomeandromanticman.Shedescribedhis‘darkandsweatyskin’,his‘big

arms and shoulders’ and his ‘dreadlocks bouncing up and down’, during his drumming

performances. She added, grinning, that ‘of course a young girl falls in lovewith such an

appearance!’.

StoriessuchasAnne’sindicatethatwhileapatternwasobservable,thedatasetconsists

of specific women with individual stories and experiences and unique relationships with

partners.Despitethis,whattheyhadincommon,moreoftenthannot,wasasharedfeeling

of being disappointed by the reality of their cross-border relationship. Women were

disappointednotonlybecausetheirpartnersfailedtomeettheirexpectationsbuttheywere

oftensaddenedbecausetheyfoundthemselvesactinginwaysthattheyhadnotanticipated.

Inthenextsection, I lookatmydatasetonall female interlocutorstoanalysetheways in

whichrelationshipsturnedouttobedisappointingratherthanwhattheyhadhopedfor.

Unhappyrelationships

Disappointments in women’s relationships can partly be explained by the perception of

romanticloveasbeingmysterious,intuitiveandunique,leadingtoahappyfuture(vanAcker

2003). In Australia, as outlined earlier, romance is currently seen as a necessary basis for

marriage.Womenaresocialisedtobelievethatmarriage—oradefactorelationship—isthe

onlyacceptablewaytowomanhood,andromanceisthevehicletowardsthismuchcoveted

goal.Atthesametime,romance isnoteasilyreconcilablewith long-termrelationships.As

vanAckerargues, ‘Romanceisculturallyconstructedasaprivateorpersonalemotionthat

mysteriouslymanifestsas‘chemistry’,asanunexplainablebutnaturalemotion’(2003:17).

Suchfeelingsare‘disconnectedfromreality’,shecontinues,butsimultaneously‘elevatethe

coupletothestatusofuniqueandexclusive,bestowedwiththemantleof”chosenone”or

”oneandonly”from”nowuntil forever”’(ibid.SeealsoIngraham1999).Butsuchideasof

romance and ‘true love’ contradict the responsibility that is attached to long-term

commitment,whetherthisisinmarriageoradefactopartnership.Theultimatecelebration

of ‘true love’ and romance ideally result in marriage, which in itself can be seen as a

construct ‘taming’ that love. Popular imaginings of romance and true love, for instance,

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‘rarelyraiseissuesabouthowthecouplewilladaptandnegotiatedomesticduties,carefor

childrenandtackleworkandfinancialcommitments’(vanAcker2003:17).

Formyinterlocutors,disappointmentsinrelationshipswereevenmorecomplex,asthey

werealsostronglyrelatedtotheiroften-hastydecisionstomarryand/ormigrateduetovisa

regulations,theinfluenceofthemigrationjourneyontheirmigrantpartners,andsometimes

totheirowninsecuritiesabouttheirbodies.Becauseofthejourneyofmarriagemigration,

relationship dynamics became uncomfortable for both partners. Men turned out to be

different than women had hoped for them to be and as men had initially portrayed

themselves.Asillustratedinthepreviouschapter,settlinginAustraliamadeithard—ifnot

impossible—formentoretaintheiridentityasstrongandcaringpartners.Justasmenwere

negativelyaffectedbytheireverydaydependency(Williams2010)ontheirpartners,sotoo

were women suffering from their newly gained burden of responsibility as it directly

opposed the ideal of a companionate relationship. Dragojlovic analyses Balinese-Dutch

relationshipsintheNetherlandsanddescribestwopointsintheirnarrativesthatnegatively

influencerelationships:

Thefirstisclass,educationaldifferences,andaccesstocitizenshiprights,whichplacepartnersin

differentpositionsduringtheirinitiallifeintheNetherlands.Thesecondiswomen’sdesirefora

companionatemarriage(2008:336).

Often, Australian women, like Dutch women, had imagined their partners to be good

partners and husbands, but the often-difficult reality of everyday life after marriage

migration,combinedwithwomen’sunmetexpectations,leftwomendisappointedwithwhat

they had hopedwould be a lasting companionship among equal partners. Inmost cases,

men’snewdependency,passivityandinsecuritywasnotwhatwomenexpectedfromtheir

partners.Womendidnotnecessarilyenjoythisnewdynamicandfeltdisappointedthatmen

seemingly had lost their onceproactive and self-confident attitude. Thus, the imagination

and idealisation of romantic relationships and the ‘African’ partner turned out to be very

differentfromthelivedrealityofeverydaylifewithamigrantpartner.

Aftersettling inAdelaideandMelbourne,the intimacyandequalitywomenhadhoped

would continue, disappeared. Thatwomennowhad greater economic, social and cultural

capital than themen,made it self-evident thatwomen took the lead. This, in turn, could

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easilybe interpretedascontrollingbehaviour.Womenexperiencedgreatpressureas they

felt they had to take care of everything by themselves, without much help from their

partners.Inthisnewcontext,accordingtothewomeninmystudy,menwouldhavetolearn

manynewthings—fromhouseholddutiessuchascleaning,cookingandadministrationon

the one hand, to being a provider as well as regaining or retaining a chivalrous attitude.

Womenlamentedthatregardlessofhowtheyacted,reactedordealtwithanyissuesfaced

bythecouple,theirhusband’sdependencyputtheminaverydifficultposition.Eventhough

women sincerely tried their best to accommodate their partners, the result was often

counterproductive.

Somewomendescribed theirpartnersas ‘bigbabies’,orasanextra child theyhad to

lookafter.Laurenstatedthatherex-husbandconstantlyclaimedthatshewasbelittlinghim

eachtimeshemadeasuggestionorgaveadvice.Whileshedidnotmean it thatway,her

comments were construed as a ‘lecture’, once again reminding him of his inadequacy.

Consequently,shetriednottoshareheropiniononthingshewasdoing,butalsofoundit

difficultandnotalwayssensibletodoso:‘WhenIsawsomethinggoingwrong,itwasreally

hardformenottocometotherescue’.Laurenwentontodescribehowatonepointher

husbandlackedmotivation.Althoughheneveradmittedtoit,Laurenstronglysuspectedhe

suffered from depression after he moved to Australia. When she gave birth to their

daughter, shesaid thathedidnot ‘stepup’atall.Asa result, shehad to take full careof

theirsmallbabyandthehousehold,whilerecoveringfromchildbirth,and leavingherwith

littlerestpriortoherreturntowork.Theonlythinghewascapableof,shefelt,was‘laying

onthefloorandwailing’.

Sophiehadbeeninasimilarposition.Sherecountedthatsoonafterherpreviouspartner

AnthonyarrivedinAustralia,itseemedthatalmosteverythingwasdifficultforhim—things

like:doingtheshopping,eatingAustralianfoodandusingacomputer.Whilethismadeher

feel disappointed and annoyed, as itmeant shehad todoeverythingherself and for two

people, shealsounderstood thathedidnotbehave in thiswayonpurpose.She triedher

besttomakehimfeelathomeinAustralia,tohelphimsettlein,butalwaysinvain.When

looking back, she understands that perhaps shewasmothering him toomuch, that there

was ‘no space for him to breath’. Maybe, she reasoned, if she had withdrawn from her

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newly adopted role of carrying all responsibility, itwould have encouragedhim to accept

some.Butatthesametime,sheexplainedthatitwasbecauseofhisidlenessthatshesimply

had to takeonall the responsibilitiesofeveryday life. Sophie felt thathisdifficultieswith

adjusting,hisdepressivemoodsandunwillingnesstoworkontheirissuesmadeherfeelasif

she hadmade amistake bymarrying him. She felt that therewas just nothing left of his

charismaticidentityandstrongdemeanourshehadfalleninlovewithinAfrica.BothLauren

andSophiewheretheonestoendtheirrelationships;theyrealisedtheycouldnotcontinue

inthiswaywithoutsufferingfromabreakdownthemselves.Thepressuretheyfelttotake

careoftheirnew-bornbabies,aswellastheir‘depressed’partners,wastoomuchtobear.

For both women, it was the changed character of their partners, and the changed

characterof their relationshipsonce theywereunited inAdelaide,which inevitablymade

themreconsidertheirrelationships.Thecircumstancesmademenseemlessmasculineand

thuslessdesirable.Thisnewrealitywasalsotheexactoppositeofwhattheyhadsearched

for in a relationship, and of their expectations of intimacy and companionship (Giddens

1992;Hirsch&Wardlow2006) It alsomadewomen feel likemothers insteadofwives or

lovers,andthusundesirablethemselves.Theirrelationshipswerenotthehappyonesthey

hadhopedfor.

Whilewomenrealisedthatmenfailedtobeidealpartners,womenalsorecognisedthat

they themselves had changed in ways they had not anticipated, nor liked. Some women

couldseetheirbehaviourasunhealthyandtoocontrolling;Emma,describedherself,fifteen

yearsago,asan‘obsessedmotheringbitch’.Itseemedthatwomenwantedtheirpartnerto

thriveinAustralia,andatfirstassumedthattheirownculturalscriptofwhatmarriedlifeis

supposedtobelikewastheonlylegitimateonetofollow.Yet,somewomensoonrealised

that they could not expect their partner to do everything exactly the way the women

themselveswereusedtodoing it,especiallysincetheirpartnerswerenotusedto living in

Australia.Eileen,forinstance,rememberstheirargumentaboutcheese,andstatedthatshe

couldnowseewhereshewentwrong.Sheacknowledgedthatherrequestforaparticular

cheese‘musthavesoundedlikeRussiantohim’.‘HowdoesheknowwhereIbuymycheese,

letalonethedifferencebetweenyoungandagedcheese,andcheddarandGouda?’Eileen,

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who is still togetherwithherpartner,explained that she learnt tobemore flexibleabout

cheese,aswellasherotherrequests.

ItbecomesevidentthattheprocessofsettlinginAustraliahadanegativeeffectonboth

menandwomen.Migrantmenwerenotfamiliarwiththelocalculturalrepertoire(Nowicka

2018) or habitus and did not have the durable dispositions (Bourdieu 1984) that their

partners had. This causeddifficulties for bothpartners.Whereasmostwomen recognised

this issue sooner or later, it was also not easy or even possible to solve. In this way,

migrationjourneyshadaninsidiouseffectonrelationshipsthatcoupleshadnotanticipated,

but that were also outside of their control. Men’s lack of cultural, economic and social

capitalinAustraliachangedpartnershipsandresultedinaburdensharedbybothpartners.

As a result, the equal partnerships that women felt were achievable through marriage

migrationwereobstructedbytheveryprocessofmarriagemigration(Dragojlovic2008).

Expectations and disappointments about their partner were sometimes influenced by

stereotypesoftheother.Assumptionsabouttheirpartners,basedonsex,race,background

andcultureturnedouttobesubtle,importantandsometimesdecisivefactors,notonlyfor

startingoffarelationship,butalsoforconflictswithinrelationships.Disappointmentswere

oftenexplainedtomebywomeninracialisedterms.Manytimes,whenIheardcomplaints

aboutmennot livingup to theirpartner’sexpectations,womenwoulddirectly link this to

theirpartnersbeing‘African’.Forexample,theywouldsay:‘Africanmenwouldnotbeused

tocooking’;‘Africanmenwouldrefusetoperformhouseholdduties’;or‘Africanmenwould

notwant to be seen shopping’. Everyday quarrels andmisunderstandings among couples

were explained by or seemed to stem from the fact that their partners were ‘African’,

insteadofderivingfromdifficultiesininterpersonalrelationships.

This became particularly clear when talking to Alice and Vivian one day. I had driven

southwardstooneofAdelaide’sbeachsuburbstomeetupwiththetwowomenatAlice’s

houseforacoffee.Wedidthiseverynowandthen,andthethreeofusallenjoyedthese

occasions as they offered us time to reflect on things that had happened since our last

meeting.AccordingtoAliceandVivian, ‘African’menwerenotevencapableofbuyingthe

right groceries. Alice explained that the one time she sent her now ex-partner to the

supermarket,hecamehomewithonlymeatinsteadoftheproductsontheshoppinglistshe

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had given him. She argued that ‘Africans only eat meat’, which was according to her

‘unhealthy,andwaytooexpensive’.But,shereasoned,‘Hedidnothaveacluebecausehe

wasnotworking,andjustspendingmymoney’.

Thealleged ‘stupidity’of ‘African’partnersalsobecameclearwhen listening toVivian.

LikeAlice,Vivianhadmethernowex-partnerinAdelaidewherehehadcomeasastudent.

She explained that he would just ‘sit around’. When she asked him to help her with

household duties, hewould do it, but hewould also be visibly annoyed. She felt that he

wouldneverdoanythingaroundthehousebasedonhisowninitiative.Andifhecleaned,it

wouldnotbethoroughenough,andshewouldhavetostartthecleaningalloveragain.She

explainedawayhisapparentinabilityas,‘Africanmen,youknow?’.Shecontinuedabouthis

ineptitude by elaborating on his practice of doing the grocery shopping. He would come

homewithmargarine,whenshehadaskedforbutter,forinstance,andhewouldnoteven

knowthedifferencebetweenfull-creamandskimmedmilk.

It thus appeared that some women based the disappointing realities of their

relationships on the fact that their ex-partners were ‘African’. Such categorisations of

‘African’ men’s character traits indicate how stereotypes are often inconsistent and are

dependentonthecontextinwhichcategorisationtakesplace(Augoustinos&Walker1998:

641). When asking women what they liked about their partners, they often indicated

positivetraitsrelatedtotheirpartnerbeing‘African’.Butnow,whendiscussingrelationship

problems, women also used their partner’s ‘African’ identity as an explanatory factor for

their lack of ‘know-how’, and to frame their frustrationwith their partner and their now

difficultrelationship.

Women’sfrustrationsandresentment,aswellastheircontrollingbehavioursometimes

crossedoverintosocialspheres,too,withwomentellingmenwhentheycouldgooutand

howmuchmoney theywere allowed to spend.While the controlling behaviourmight be

attributedtowomen’sadditionalburdenasthesolebreadwinnerorthemainprovider,and

thepersonwhohadthemostknowledgeoftheirbudget,thelinebetweenafairnegotiation

andtellingtheotherpartnerwhattodoturnedouttobeeasilycrossed.Manywomentold

me that while they really did not want to be giving orders to their partner, they had to

becausetheirpartnerdidnotunderstandthevalueofAustraliandollarsandwhatbillshad

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tobepaid.Otherwomen,however,feltthishadbeentheonlyoption,asmenwouldalways

misusetheirlimitedfunds.Forinstance,Jadeexplainedthatherpartnerwouldsendmostof

theirmoney home, if he could, and Chloë complained that her partnerwould spend too

muchoftheirmoneyonbeer.

Women’s tendencies to controlwere sometimes related to trust issues. Somewomen

expressed that their partners were difficult to trust and how they had difficulty

understandingwhymenhadtogooutsocialisingwithoutthem.Theywonderedifwanting

togooutalonewasasignofhimpursuingotherwomen.Forsomewomen I interviewed,

theirdistrustwasexplainedbyinstancesofinfidelityand/ordishonestyintheirrelationships

with their partners. While some women now refused to allow their husbands to go out

without them, others explained that their partnerwould disappear for hours—sometimes

days—withouttellingthemwheretheywent.Jade,for instance,describedherrelationship

withhernowex-husbandasaconstantstrugglefromhersidetofindoutwherehewentand

withwhom(asopposedtowhathetoldher).Shefeltthatitwouldbewrongofhimtotalk

toanotherwoman,justasitwouldbewrongtobeanhourlate,ortonotpickupthephone

whenshecalled.Itwasuncleartomeifheeverreallyhadbeenunfaithful,whichcouldhave

explained her extreme jealousy. However, it became apparent from her story that her

partner did lie about his whereabouts, and did disappear for long periods of time,

sometimesovernight. Jadeexplainedthisbehaviourassomething ‘African’mendidrather

thanasanindividualtrait.

Itseemedthatwomengeneralisedabout‘African’menbasedontheirownexperiences

with their partners. By reducing their partners to a stereotype, women presented and

processedrelationshipproblemsasbeingoutsideoftheircontrol.Whenlisteningtowomen

who had been treated badly by their ex-partners, Iwas often presentedwith the idea of

‘African’menas ‘players going around’ as alwaysbeing ‘on thehunt’, andhypersexual. It

thus appeared that among someof thewomen therewas general consentonanarrative

regarding ‘African’ men as a specific type, in need of some sort of specific treatment.

‘African’menwouldneedtimeforthemselvesandcertainlycouldnotstandwomenasking

abouttheirwhereaboutsandtheassociateddetails.Notonlysponsoringwomenexplained

this tome,butsomemenandwomenwithanAfricanbackground,aswell,elaboratedon

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howawomanshouldneverasktoomanyquestionsaboutwhereherpartnergoeswhenhe

leaves the house. The lack of communication—whether or not this was explained as a

racialised matter—not only seemed to cause anxiety among women, but it also acted

against women’s idealisation of the companionate relationship, in which couples should

communicateandsharetheiremotions(Teo2005).

Some women I interviewed seemed to have created a narrative of ‘African’ men as

hypersexual, incapable of commitment, and unable to communicate their experiences or

whereaboutswiththeirfemalepartners.However,suchideaswerealsoinfluencedbyother

factors.Viewsaboutmen’sperceivedfidelitycanbeexplainedpartlybymediaimages,visa

proceduresandstereotypesencounteredineverydaylife.Butalso,itseemedthatwomen’s

friends,whooftenhadAfrica-originpartners too, influencedwomen’smistrust in ‘African’

men.Forinstance,whatSarahheardfromhergirlfriendsabout‘African’meninfluencedher

ideasaboutherexpartner’sbehaviour.Shetoldmeaboutherfriendwhohadinstalledthe

Detective-apponherpartner’sphone,which ishowshe foundoutabouthis ‘cheatingon

her’ with several women. Sarah, with feeling, told me: ‘You see, they are all cheating

scumbags’.

As described by Dragojlovic (2008), the desire or need for communication can be a

sourceofconflictforinterculturalcouples.TheauthordescribeshowforDutchwomen,the

sharingofemotionswasatakenforgrantedrequirementforarelationship,somethingthat

their Balinese spouses did not deem that important, and consequently left Dutchwomen

disappointed (2008: 341). Yet,women I interviewedwhowere in good relationshipswith

their partners, like Lillian and Jo, never brought up discourses of uncommunicative, ‘bad’

‘African’men. Othermigrantmen as well as couples such as Charlotte and Zachary, and

Sophie and Lucas also, did not agree with the suggestion that ‘African’ men did not

communicate,andarguedthatwhenlivingtogether,itonlymakessensetocommunicate,to

keepone’spartnerupdatedonwhereone isgoing,withwhom,andtheirexpectedreturn

time.Emma,marriedtoherpartnerforoverfifteenyears,specifiedthatmigrantmen,like

othermen andwomen, need time for socialising. ‘And this does not equal sleepingwith

other women per definition’, she emphasised. She felt that there were some women in

Adelaidewhoimaginedthatthemomenttheirpartnerssteppedoutside;theywouldonlybe

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looking for other women to have sexual contact with. Trust in one’s partner, as well as

communication,Emmafelt,werevitalaspectsofrelationships.

In11cases,women’sintimaterelationshipshadended.Theserelationshipsdidnotwork

becausetheywerenotfunctionalorromanticpartnerships,eventhoughsomepartnersmay

havestillbeenattractedto,orcaredfor,eachother.Asaresult,manyfoundithardtolet

go.ThestoryofSarahillustrateshowcomplicatedseparationscanbe.Twoweeksaftertheir

separation, I visited Sarah for a coffee.When I arrived, she told me that her ex-partner

would be stopping by to pick up his laundry, which she was still doing for him. She

mentionedthathecameovereverynowandthen,andalsoto just ‘hangout’.Theyoften

got intimate during such visits. Sarah’s ex-partner had been violent with her onmultiple

occasions.Shehadsometimesshowedmethemarksonherskinfromwhenhehadbeaten

herorbittenher.Yetitwasdifficultforhertobreakupwithhim,assheoftenthoughtitwas

bettertobewithhimthantobealone,bettertohavearelationship,thannorelationshipat

all.ThisisconsistentwithSummer’s(2006)argumentthatAustralianwomenaresocialised

tobelievethatmarriageistheonlypathtohappinessandacceptability.

Yet,Sarah’sex-partneralsohadtoldhershewastoouglytobeloved,andthatshewas

lucky tohavehim,andshehadbelievedhim.WhetherSarah’sex-partnerwasawareof it

beforehesettledinAdelaideornot,heseeminglyusedhisknowledgethatherbodywasnot

socially considereddesirableas aweapon to re-gainpower in their relationship.Whilehe

dependedontherelationshipforhisvisastatus,emotional,verbalandphysicalabusemight

havebeenwaysforhimtore-balancethepowerintheirrelationship.Accordingtoothers,

therelationshipwasabusiveonbothsides,ashehadalsosufferedfromSarah’semotionally

abusivebehaviour.Whiletheirrelationshiphadclearlybeenbadforbothparties,nowthat

theyhadseparatedtheyseemedtogetalongalittlebitbetter.

Sarahseemedbothnervousandexcitedabouthisappearance,andsaidshewascurious

toseeifhewouldbeonhisbestbehaviour‘tocharmme’.Sheimpliedthathewasgoingto

try to impressme inorder topursueme. Shehad complainedabouthimusingher todo

thingsforhim,andhowinthiswayhedominatedherandmistreatedher,eventhoughthey

were not together anymore. Sarah portrayed him in a very bad way prior to his arrival.

Surprisingly, her attitude changed completely when he came in, and she started acting

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amusingly and sweetly, insteadof showing themore serious and comfortable Sarah I had

seenjustbefore.Sarahdidseemtoenjoyhiscompany.Whileactivelyflirtingwithhim,she

seeminglymadesuretomakethenecessarymeancommenteverynowandthen,too.Ifelt

as if shewanted toshowhim, in frontofme—aguest,anda ‘classy’ friendasshealways

calledme—thatshewasincontrolofthesituation,too.Ididnotunderstandwhatshewas

doing:Whywould sheprovokehim like that?Was she showingmehow she still had the

powerover thismanshehad justdescribedasabrute?This instancecanbeexplained in

relation to the limited subject positions available to Sarah. She may have wanted to be

perceivedasadesirablewomantofeelasenseofworth,andsimultaneouslyshewantedto

showbothmeandhimthatsheisawareofhislimitations.

Butalso,herex-partnerbehavedinwaysthatIhadnotanticipated.Ihadnevermethim

before;Ihadonlyheardabouthim,mainlyfromSarah,andwhatIhadheardabouthimwas

mostlynegative.AlthoughhewasjustasphysicallyfitasSarahhaddescribed,hewasalso

nicerandcalmerthan Ihadexpected;basedonherstoriesabouthim Ihadbeennervous

aboutmeetinghimfromthemomentshementionedhimvisiting.Whileitwasclearthatthe

two had a toxic relationship, it now also dawned on me that the two might still feel

affectionatetowardseachother.Sarahwasdoinghislaundryforhimbecauseshestillliked

him.Andpossibly, his approval and the continued contact legitimatedherpartner choice,

whilesimultaneouslyremindingherwhytherelationshipdidnotwork.Andmaybe,hecame

tovisitSarahbecausehelikedbeingaroundher.

Althoughthisrelationshipwasextremelycomplicated,theexampleillustratesthatwhile

partnershipsdidnotworkoutinthewaycoupleshadhopedfor,itwasstillpossibleforthe

partnerstohavesomesortofrelationshipwitheachother.Theexamplealsoindicatesthat

whenrelationshipsbecomedysfunctional,separationsdofollow,nomatterhowhardsuch

splits can be for both partners. This is in linewith the current notion that the idea of an

everlastingunion—whetherthisisthroughmarriageoradefactorelationship—haslostits

significance (Coontz 2005). As described in Chapter 2, instead of one lasting marriage,

people can opt for a number of consecutive intimate relationships. When romance and

emotional intimacy fades inone relationship, itmightbe found inanewone (SeeCoontz

2005; Giddens 1992). For the interlocutors, like Sarah, who had separated from their

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partners,thejourneyofmarriagemigration,inwhichrelationshipdynamicsarebeingturned

upsidedown,when individualpartner traits come to the foreand throughwhichpartners

changesignificantly,hasnotledtotheexpectedoutcome.Theirexperiencesofromanceand

intimacyhavebeenupset,andtheirgreatexpectationsforthefuturenotmet.

Conclusion

Thischapterprovidesextensiveevidenceofhowwomenperceivedtheirrelationshipswith

theirmigrantpartners.Whererelationshipsendedandregardlessofwhichpartnerwasseen

as most responsible for its break-up, women were extremely unhappy prior to the

relationshipending.Ihaveshownthatthisisduetothegreatexpectationsplacedontheir

partnersandlimitedforesightaboutpracticalrealities.Unhappyrelationshipshadalottodo

with the ways that the women projected a happily-ever-after future onto their partners

becausetheyhopedthattheirpartnerswouldhelptovalidatethem—eithertheirbodiesor

their lifestyles—in ways that they had not found elsewhere while living in Adelaide or

Melbourne.Theyalso realised that theyhadbeencomplicit inentering intoa relationship

based on assumptions of either pure body/physical acceptance and/or presumptions of

compatibility. This led toeither feelingsofdistrustand/ordisappointmentand resulted in

somesurprisingoutcomes.Oneofthesewasthatmanywomen—bothlarger-than-average

andartisticandfree-spirited—foundthemselvesexertingpowerovertheirrelationship,and

theirpartners,inwaysthatcouldbedescribedasoverbearing,distrustfulorcontrolling.This

was also a source of unhappiness for thewomen as they saw themselves transformed in

waysthattheydidnotexpectanddidnotparticularlylike.

FormanyofthewomenI interviewed,beinginacross-borderrelationshipwasseenas

themain ingredient foragoodandhappy life, yet simultaneously, thepre-fabricated idea

that an intimate relationship brings happiness often provided the emotional setting for

disappointment (Ahmed 2008). For the various reasons discussed in this chapter,

relationshipsdidnotbefitwomenaswellas theyhopedtheywould.Butoften, fora long

time,womenpreferredtheirunhappyrelationshipsoverthealternativeofbeingsingle.This

relatesbacktothenormative ideathat loveand intimaterelationshipsvalidatewomenas

women(Summers2006).

Sponsoringwomen’sexpectationsanddisappointmentsofintimaterelationshipsineverydaylife

181

The dominant narrative provided by both Government and media discourses about

cross-border relationships describes them as sham—focussing on the amount of money

‘naïve’ women ostensibly lose, and their manipulation by foreign men. This chapter has

shownthatsuchanarrativeisfarfromrealistic.Instead,thegrandhopesforromanceand

acceptance,aswellasdifficultmigrationjourneysinfluencedrelationshipsandtheirendings.

And,womenaswellasmenendedrelationships.While thenumberofseparationscanbe

seen as high—11 out of the 18 women I worked with separated from their migrant

partners—inAustralia,morethan45percentofmarriagesendindivorce(vanAcker2003:

15). Given the various obstacles cross-border couples face throughout their journey of

marriagemigration,as Ihavedescribedthroughoutthis thesis, thisnumberofseparations

shouldnotcomeasasurprisebutcouldactuallybeinterpretedascommendable.

For someof thewomen I interviewed, the romantic and intimate love that theywere

looking for in theirmigrantpartner—andthatwouldvalidatetheir femininity inAustralian

society—didnotmaterialise.Forwomenwhowerestilltogetherwiththeirpartner,lovewas

notonlyperceivedasromantic,butalsorequiredmuchwork.ThisconcurswithvanAcker’s

observation, that ‘the construction of romance overlooks the contradictions between the

allure of passion and the responsibility of long-term commitment (2003: 17). Women’s

pursuit of lasting happiness, either remained unmet or demanded effort to attain their

desired relationship outcomes. This indicates that achieving happiness is a process and

directed towards the future (Ahmed2010).While someof thepersonal changes required

havebeenflaggedinthischapter,theconcludingchapteraddsmoreevidenceofthelong-

term transformations that people underwent—both female and male. In that concluding

chapter, I also discuss partners’ experiences of life in Australia aftermigrantmen gained

permanentresidency.

Chapter7:Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

This thesis illuminated how for African-Australian cross-border couples, marriage migration is

envisioned as a ‘happiness project’ (Ahmed2010), but simultaneously is experienced as a path

facedwithmultipleobstructions.Itshowedhowsponsoringwomenandmigrantmen,withhigh

expectations, imagined a good and happy life inAustralia, and how they actively tried to build

hopefulfutures.AhappyfutureinAustraliaservedasthepurpose,thehorizon,thatcouplesand

partnersaimedtowards.Happiness,viewed inthisway,becomesamotive inpeople’severyday

lives(Ahmed2010;Gardner2015).

Howpeople pursue happiness can revealmuch about the values they hold dear (Walker&

Kavedžija2015:1;Gardner2015). For the interlocutorsof this study,embarkingon journeysof

marriagemigration was related to their hopes of finding happiness through love and intimate

long-termrelationships.ForthepartnerswhoseexperiencesIstudied,theirrelationshipscreated

opportunities to becomehappiermen andwomen. For themigrantmen, happinesswas to be

found not only in their intimate relationships, but also inmigration. Settling in Australia, men

hoped,wouldleadtoupwardssocio-economicmobility,anincreasedstatusandabetterlifefor

those they left behind. For sponsoring women, the relationship itself promised tomake them

happy.Experiencingromanceandintimacywereseenaswaystoincreasetheirstatusaswomen

intheirparticularlocality.Suchdifferentvaluesindicatethathappinessisinherentlysubjective.As

Walker and Kavedžija argue, happiness ‘says much about the social, economic, and political

conditionsinwhichitemerges’(2015:2).

Whileallinterlocutorsenvisionedtheirjourneysofmarriagemigrationashappinessprojects,

foralmostall,themuch-anticipatedhappinessandfulfilmentdidnotmaterialise.Bycombininga

dark anthropological framework with a focus on happiness, I aimed to illustrate how several

intertwiningobstructions interferedwithaspirations forhappy lives. Each chapterof this thesis

elaborated on different hurdles on the path to happiness. The net result was that marriage

migrationdidnotalways leadtohappiness. Instead,thejourneyoften leftcouplesandpartners

disappointed.

Aspirationsof,andmovementstowards,happinessareinfluencedbydominantstructuresand

values (Walker & Kavedžija 2015). Throughout the thesis I have illuminated this while using a

CriticalRaceTheory lensto focusontheways inwhich, forcross-bordercouples, thepursuitof

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

183

happiness was obstructed by various instances of racism and exclusion. The visa application

procedure, with its focus on demonstrating the genuineness of relationships was the first

obstruction to couples’ happiness projects. Such bureaucratic hurdles have the intention of

avoidingshammarriages—thoseserving tosecurevisasorobtainmoney, rather thanrecognise

sincere love—thus protecting the nation-state and its citizens from insincere others (Neveu-

Kringebach2013;Eggebø2013;Fernandez2013;Lavanchy2014).ForthepartnersandcouplesI

interviewed, this processwasoften experienced as intrusive. They felt targetedbecauseof the

migrantpartner’sbackground,andthatthiswastheonlyreasontheirintimaterelationshipswere

beingquestioned.Themistrustcouplesexperienced,aswellasthelengthinessoftheprocedure,

wasconsideredbyinterlocutorsashinderingtheirdesiredhappyfutures.

Experiences of ‘everyday racism’ (Essed 1991), combined with the implicit ‘normative

authority’ of whiteness in Australia (Ramsay 2017), made it hard for couples to enjoy their

everyday lives as a cross-border couple after settling in Australia. Migrant men experienced

various instances of sometimes blatant and at other times subtle racism and prejudice that

significantly impacted on them as well as their partners. And because of the otherness of the

migrant partner, sponsoringwomen, through their cross-border relationships, also experienced

racialised encounters. It appeared that instances of racism were not only encountered in

Australian contexts, but also in contexts that were predominantly ‘African’, such as among

migrant men’s families back home, as well as among African community organisations. The

everyday racism couples encountered included biases, stereotypes and instances of

protectionism,aswellaswell-intendedwarningsofrelativesandfriendsstemmingfromfearsof

‘othermen’(Dragojlovic2008;Lavanchy2014).

Combinedwithracism,theexperiencesofhomesicknessandisolation,aswellasliminalityin

the visa application process, left men feeling emasculated, and turned men into ‘unhappy

husbands’(Charsley2005).Formanyofthewomen,theanticipatedhappinessthatwouldcome

bymeansoftheirintimaterelationshipsnevermaterialised.Partnershipswerenotasintimateas

womenwishedfor,andpartnerswerenotwhatwomenthoughttheywouldbeonceinAustralia.

Thesewomenhoped their relationshipswould improve thequalityof their life,but thisdidnot

happen. Instead,womencontinuedtostrugglewith insecurities,andacted inwaystheydidnot

anticipate,norlike.Suchobstructionstohappinessindicatethathardships,sufferingandsadness

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184

are part and parcel of pursuing happy lives. As Gardner suggests, ‘to get to the promised

happinesstakestimeandmayinvolveotheremotionsandstatesofbeing’alongtheway(2015:

200). In fact, happiness, this thesis illustrates, often remains a promise, a future state (Ahmed

2010,Gardner2015).

Byfocusingonmalemigrantspousesandfemalecitizenspousesininterculturalrelationships,

this studyaimed tocontribute toa relativelyempty spacewithin the literatureoncross-border

marriage migration. Research on transnational marriage migration is often ethnographic, emic

andnuanced,describinghowandwhypeoplemarry,andhowmarriages fitwithin individualas

wellascommunallifecourses(Williams2010:53.Seealsoforinstance,Charsley2005;Gallo2006;

Gardner 2015). Yet, studies on interculturalmarriageoften relatemarriagemigration to labour

migration, and many of those studies focus on marriage migration in the East Asian region

(Williams2010:53).ExceptionsareresearchundertakenbyNeveuKringelbach(2013)onmarriage

migration among intercultural couples in France; Fernandez’ (2013) work on Cuban-Danish

marriages inDenmark;thestudybyCole(2014)onrelationshipsandmarriagemigrationamong

French-Malagasycouples:Rodríguez-García’s(2006)workonAfrican-SpanishcouplesinCatalonia;

andthatofLavanchy (2014)onmixedmarriages inSwitzerland.By lookingatAfrican-Australian

couples, this thesis has contributed to the body of ethnographical studies on intercultural

marriagemigration.Itaimedtoaddanarrativethatexplainshowmarriagemigrationispractised,

forwhatreasons,whatsuchjourneysmeanforcouplesandhowitaffectsthem.Whilethebody

ofanthropologicalworkoninterculturalcross-bordermarriagemigrationisgrowing,muchofthis

work focuses on migrant women in relationships with male citizens (but see for instance

Rodríguez-García2006.AndseeCharsley2005andGallo2006foraccountsoftransnationalmale

marriagemigrants). Andwhilemany of the studies on cross-bordermarriagemigration almost

exclusively focuson themigrant spousesand theirmigration journey (but see for instanceCole

2014 and Rodríguez-García 2006), this thesis focused on the experiences of the journey of

marriagemigrationofboththemigrantpartneraswellasthecitizenpartner.

Thus far, the thesishasdemonstrated that there isno singlepursuitofhappiness, and that

ideasofwhatmakespeoplehappychangeoverthecourseofthejourneyofmarriagemigration.

Intheremainingpages,Iwill lookbeyondtheinitialprojectofmarriagemigration.Insodoing,I

addmoreevidenceof the long-term transformations thatpeopleunderwent—both femaleand

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

185

male.Ialsodiscusspartners’experiencesoflifeinAustraliaaftermigrantmengainedpermanent

residency.Thisallowsmetosituatethearcoftheexperiencesthatmyinterlocutorsunderwentin

awidercontext.Italsoallowsmetoshowthevariationandheterogeneityofexperiencesthatare

possiblewhenoneengagesinloveand/ormarriagemigration.Forallinterlocutors,thepursuitof

happiness continued, albeit in various ways. Whether or not couples stayed together or

separated, interlocutorsadjusted theirpreviouslyheld imaginariesof the future. I firstdescribe

the often difficult experiences of ‘moving on’ for men and women who separated from their

partners.Afterthat, I focusoncouplesthatsurmountedthebarriersofthe journeyofmarriage

migration.

Migrantmen:separationsandmovingon

Inmanycases,cross-borderrelationshipsdidnotlast.Thetimingofseparations—oftenrightafter

migrant men obtained permanent residencies—seems to suggest that migrant men separated

fromtheirAustralianspousesassoonastheyhadtheopportunity.However,mostmigrantmen

explained howhard this decision to leave had been. It is difficult to convey the depth of their

feelingsofdespairinwriting.Theunfamiliarcontext,inwhichthemen’spartnersweretheironly

real support, played a significant role inmaking thebreak-up a huge step to take. InAustralia,

menfelt,alackofcultural,economicandsocialcapitalmadeleavinghard.Men,asnewlyarrived

migrants,andwithoutanyestablishednetworkexceptfortheirpartner’sfamily,foundithardto

considerleavingthatfamily.Peter,forinstance,summeduphismainworries:‘WherewouldIgo?

Withwhatmoney?Andallalone?’.

Moreover, reasons for leaving felt irrational, contradicting and confusing. Men wanted to

leave theirpartnersbecauseof theireverydayexperiences—thecontrol,being toldwhat todo,

beingshoutedatandsometimesbeingverballyandemotionallyabused.Yet,menoftendescribed

theirgratitudeforwhattheirsponsoringpartnershaddonetohelpthem.Sponsoringpartnersnot

onlyspentconsiderableamountsofmoneyonthevisaapplicationandonstayingintouchduring

thevisaprocessingperiod,butalso,theyspenttheirtimeandenergyprovidingfortheirmigrant

partnersduringthefirstmonthsafterarrival.Thecarethatwomenextendedtothemmademen

veryconfusedwhenthinkingabouttheirreasonsforwantingtoleave.

AllofthemenwhoseparatedfromtheirAustralianpartnerhadlefttheirnowex-partnerwith

everythingtheyhadacquiredasacouple.Somecoupleshadboughtahousewhiletheyhadbeen

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

186

together,butthemenmovedoutwithoutdisagreement.Mensaidthatitwaseasierforthem,as

‘young and strongmen’, to start anew, than itwould be for their ex-partners, especiallywhen

therewerechildreninvolved.Perhaps,menfeltguiltythatwomenhadinvestedsomuchinthem

bysponsoringtheirjourneyandthereforeconsideredleavingwithnothingasawaytorepaytheir

ex-partners for theirefforts,orasawayof reducing theirownsenseofguilt.Whilemennever

expressedthisdirectly, itseemedthatstatementslike:‘havingnothingtolose’, ‘shedeservesto

haveeverything’and‘Iamtheoneleaving’alsomeantthatleavinginthisway,mendidnotowe

their ex-partners anything.Or, at least itmeant thatmen felt they repaid just a tinybit of the

debt—both financial and emotional—they had. Feelings of guilt were suggested by other

behavioursaswell.Jacob,forinstance,keptvisitinghisex-partnereverytimeshecalled,anddid

anythingsheasked.Accordingtohim,itwasimpossibletorefusehisex-partner.Suchrepayments

seeminglyalsohelpedmentofeel like‘realmen’again.Bytakingresponsibility,wherepossible,

men seemed to create a sense of co-dependency despite the separation, as opposed to the

previouslyexperienceddependency.

Menfoundthisperiodaftertheseparationhardastheystartedonanotherjourneytowards

happiness.Paul,whenlookingbackatthatperiod,toldmeitwasthehardestpartofhisnewlife

inAustralia.Hesaidhowhefelt‘homesick’and‘defeated’,wantingtoparty,togooutandforget

hissorrowsbydrinkingandmeetingwomen.Yet,healsowantedtomeethisresponsibilitiesasa

newfather,aswellastocontinuesendingremittancesbackhome.Althoughhetriedhisbestto

fulfil all requests, he felt that hewas a continual failure. Paul, like othermen, had to reinvent

himselfwhilstsimultaneouslyhavingtomeettheresponsibilitiesofeverydaylife.Manymenwho

had migrated within the last eight years expressed how they were still very stressed, as they

worried about the direction their life would take. They all struggled with the fact that their

expectationsandhopesoflifeinAustraliawerestillverydifferentfromtheirlivedrealities.

Living a healthy and balanced life seemed difficult and energy consuming for many. Jacob

elaborated on his health and lifestylewhenwe sat together for dinner in a restaurant. By this

time, Jacob hadmoved out of his apartment and to savemoneywas temporarily livingwith a

friendwhilstlookingforanotherapartmenttorent.IhadwantedtotreatJacobandtakehimout

fordinner,butwassurprisedthathewasnotimpressedwiththemenu,whichmainlyconsistedof

meatoptions. Jacobexplained that a healthy vegetabledish is a luxury. ‘All I havebeeneating

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

187

latelyisMcDonalds,Ijustcravesomegreens’,andhesighedashetookasipofhisbeer.WhileI

hadthoughtthatJacobwouldhavebeenhappytogooutfordinner,Inowrealisedthathemay

havepreferredasimplebutnutritioushome-cookedmeal.Hefeltrelievedthathecouldstaywith

hisfriend,buthealsoknewthatheneededhisownaccommodation.‘Ineedmydaughtertobe

abletocomevisitme’.Butitwashardforhim,ashedidnothaveanymoneyandstillhaddebtsto

payoff.Inthemeantime,hisex-partnerkept‘nagging’himthatheshouldspendmoretimewith

theirdaughter.Jacobwasthinkingofgettinganapprenticeshipinatrade,sothathecouldearn

significantlymoreinthefuture.Butthiswouldmeanthatforthetimebeinghewouldhaveless

money,andsohewasunsureofwhat todo.He feltas ifhewas ‘backatscratch’,as ifhewas

‘standingstillinsteadofmovingahead’.Hecontinuedbymentioningthathisfriendsbackhomeall

hadgoodjobsnow.Theysurelyalsothoughthewas‘livingthelifeinthewest’,but,‘lookatme’,

Jacob downheartedly said. He added that he also needed to keep sending remittances to his

familybackhome.‘Iwanttobuyahouse,settledown,andgetmysisterover,butIreallydonot

seeanyofthishappeninganydaysoon.’

My interviewsandethnographicobservationswithmale interlocutorsmade it clear that for

variousreasons,stayinginAustraliawasoftenperceivedasthebestoptionforthem.Eventhough

thesemenexperiencedsincerehardships,suchasracism,alackofopportunities, isolation, little

senseofcommunityandhomesicknessforfriendsandfamily,theyallnamedthelivingconditions

andopportunities for futurehappinessas important reasons for staying inAustralia.Here,men

couldobtainmoreand/orbettereducation,hadaccesstohealthcareandcouldrelyonthestate

iftheyneededhelp.

OneexceptionwasElijah,whoclearlyexpressedhowhappyhislifeinAustraliahadmadehim

andwhoneverfelthomesickordefeated.‘Iwillnevermoveback’,heconvincinglyproclaimed,as

‘mycountryhasneverbeengoodtome’.Elijahexplainedthathisfatherhadleftthefamilywhen

Elijahwasstillyoung,andthathismotherhadstruggledtosurvive.Hehimselfhadneverfinished

highschool,ashehadtohelpprovideforhisfamily.Therefore,whenhehadmethisex-wife,he

did not hesitate aboutmoving to Australia. He emphasised that he never regrettedmoving to

Australia, even though the relationship did not turn out to be good for him. Although he

experienced racismdaily,hedidenjoyhishometownofMelbourneashere ‘I canmakemoney

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

188

andIhavethefreedomtodowhateverIwanttodo’.ForElijah,thelifestylehewasabletolive

wassomethinghefeltwasnotpossiblebackhome.

Also,mostmen seemedwell aware of ‘losing face’ if they returned home permanently. To

movebacktotheirAfricancountrywouldbeconstructedasafailurebyrelativesandfriendsback

home,andinaway,itwouldbeafailure.ThesemenhadmovedtoAustraliamostlyagedintheir

twenties and thirties and spent a few years here. In the meantime, their peers in Africa had

movedon,movedaway,foundjobs,andstartedfamilies.Assuch,singlemenmovingbackwould

be seen to be lagging behind. This was quite the opposite to the perception of their life in

Australiaheldby thosebackhome:namely, that theyarewellaheadandhighuponthesocio-

economic ladder. Men all seemed to agree that with their hopes of becoming successful in

Australia,itwasbettertostayherethantomovebacktotheiroriginalhome.

Childrenwereanother importantreasonformentostay inAustralia.Menwhohadchildren

withtheirnowex-partners,explainedthatmaybeiftheydidnothavechildrenhere,theywould

haveendedtheirrelationshipsbeforebeinggrantedpermanentresidency.Thiswouldhavemeant

that they then had to leave Australia as soon as possible, as their visas were based on their

relationship status. But they felt that having had children removed that option, as leaving

Australiawouldmeanthatthemenwouldnotbeabletobeintheirchildren’slives.Saleem,for

instance, explained that ‘honestly, my relationship ended already a year after I arrived in

Australia’.Eventhoughhehadknownfora longtimethathiswifewashavinganaffair,hehad

decidedto‘sititout’.He‘countedthedays’untilheobtainedpermanentresidency.‘Becausewe

haveadaughter,yousee?’.Heexplainedthatifhehadlefthiswife,thiswouldhavemeantthat

hehadto leaveAustraliastraightaway. IfSaleemhaddonethat,hereasonedthatheprobably

wouldhaveneverseenhisdaughteragain.Heexplainedthatinhishomecountry,witharegular

job itwasalmost impossible toearnenoughmoney fora flight ticket.And,headded, ‘even if I

wouldhavethatmoney,Iwouldnotgetavisa,becausethey[theAustralianGovernment]donot

givetouristvisastoAfricans’.EventhoughSaleemcontinuouslyfelthomesickand‘likeshit’,being

abletoseehisdaughtergrowupwasreasonenoughforhimtostayinAustralia.

Paul elaborated further on this topic. He explained that even though having children in

Australiameantabreakfromhis ‘African’familyandhomeland, italsomeantthatthechildren

would growupwithmany opportunities thatwere not available in his country of origin. Here,

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

189

opportunitiesforabetter lifeforfuturegenerationsabound,heemphasised.Whilemaybemen

didnotenjoylifeasmuchastheywouldhavedonebackhome,raisingchildreninAustraliameant

that they would have access to good education. Men also appreciated the access to social

security,whichtheyfoundtobeveryimportant.Forthesemen,movingtoAustraliarepresenteda

turn-aroundfromhavingfewprospectsforadvancementinlife,tohavingmanyopportunitiesfor

socio-economicdevelopment.

Thus,whilemostmendidnotfeelentirelyathomeinAustralia,theyallpreferredtostay,as

eventuallyforthem,andcertainlyfortheiryoungfamilies,lifeherewouldbebetter.InAustralia,

mensawmoreopportunities,abetter incomeandmoremoney tosharewith their familyback

home, freedom, a higher socioeconomic status (at least from the perspective of their African

home),andtheywouldnotneedtoexperiencetheshameofreturning.Assuch,menseemedto

be accepting of the hardships as they felt they served a purpose—that life for them and their

childrenwouldbegoodinthelong-run.Itbecomesclear,thus,howimaginariesofhappinessshift,

are adjusted to current circumstances, and in the case of migrant men, happiness is seen as

somethinginthefuture.WhilefirstmenimaginedtheywouldbehappyuponarrivalinAustralia,

now they realised thatonlywhen they finallymanaged to settle and feel at home inAustralia,

sometimeinafar-awayfuture,willtheybehappy.81

Sponsoringwomen:separationsandmovingon

By the time of separation, relationships had often become untenable for both partners.While

bothmenandwomeninitiatedbreak-ups,forsomewomenabreak-up,coincidingwiththeman

obtainingpermanentresidency,representedan‘ultimatebetrayal’bytheman.Theirfirstreaction

wastothinkthathecouldhaveusedherjusttoobtainavisa.Thisthoughthadsometimesbeen

lingering in the back of women’s minds due to the messaging they received through visa

application procedures, media coverage of unsuccessful marriages involving migration, and

warningsbyfamily,friendsandacquaintances.However,mostwomenexplainedthatafterafirst

momentofemotionalupheaval,theyalsorealisedthatitwasmuchmorecomplicatedthanthat.

81 Mostmenevenexpressedaviewthat theultimatehappinesswouldstemfromretirement in theirhomeland, intheirownhousetheywillhavebuiltoverthe(future)years.However, this idealseemedsovery farawayfromthesituationtheywereinatthismomentintime,thatitwasnotaserioustopicofdiscussionformostmen.

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Whilemostwomenwerebalancedandrationalintheirrecollections,Isometimeslistenedfor

hours to other women full of anger, expressing how terrible ‘African’ men were. Women

explainedtomehow‘African’men‘areallthesame’,‘cheaters’,‘liars’,have‘nomanners’andare

‘just so selfish’.82While such alleged behaviour could have much to do with emotional issues

aboutmigration,affectingbothmenandwomen, thesewomen linkedsuchbehaviours to their

partner’svisastatus.Theyexplainedthatmen’sbehaviouralwaysturnedworsethemomentthey

sawtheirlegalrightsincreased—asignofmenhavingusedtheirfemalesponsors.

Some women recalled a sudden change in their partner’s behaviour that coincided with a

milestone in his migration journey. Sarah’s husband left her after he obtained his Permanent

Residency. According to her, he would just have been waiting for this moment all along. She

explainedthatherex-partnerhadtreatedherbadlyfromthemomenthehadarrivedinAustralia.

Theyhadsometimesseparatedforshortperiods,buthewouldthenalways‘smoothtalk’herback

intotherelationship.Hewouldexclaimhowhecouldnot livewithouther,andhowsheshould

givehim‘onelastshot’.Afewmonthsbeforehewouldbeeligibleforpermanentresidency,the

couple had broken up again, only to reunite about three weeks before the deadline for the

approval to come through. Sarah explained that this time, ‘he literally beggedme to give him

anotherchance’.Thoseweeks,shefelt,hadactuallybeenverygood.Hehadbehavedathisbest

andsheactuallystartedtobelieveagaininhisgenuineness.However,twodaysafterthecouple

hadbeentogether fortwoyears—andthuswhenhebecameeligible forresidency—hehad left

Sarah.Immediately,Sarahrecalls,‘hewenttoCentrelinktoaskforsomesortofpension’.Because

thestaffmemberattheofficehadthoughtitlookedsuspicious,theyhadcontactedSarah,aswell

astheDIBP.‘Youcanseeitclearlynow,hejustusedmeallthistime’,Sarahconcluded.Inthisand

oneothercase,itwasobvioustothewomenthattheyhadbeenusedforvisapurposes.

For other women, separations were far more ambiguous. Sophie’s and Lauren’s stories in

Chapter6 illustratethis.Bothwomenhadseentheirpartnerschangefromconfidentandhappy

men, to becoming despondent and low-spirited once in Australia.When looking back on their

relationships,bothwomencouldclearlyseehowthejourneyofmarriagemigrationhadaffected

82Thesewere oftenwomenwho had separated from their partners in the not-so-distant past. Their recollections,then,wereoftenespeciallyemotionallyladen.

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

191

theirpartners’self-confidence.Theyacknowledgedthattheirrelationshipshadresultedinsome

goodoutcomesfortheirex-partnersasitgrantedthemmanyopportunitiesforbetterment,and

bothLaurenandSophie felt that theirpartnershad lovedandcaredabout them.They thought

that if the journey ofmarriagemigration hadbeen easier for both themen and for themas a

couple,theirintimatepartnershipsmighthavecontinuedsuccessfully.

InLauren’scase,hermarriagemigrationjourneywithherfirsthusbandhadnotturnedoutas

wellasshehadhoped.ShehadbeenmarriedtoherfirstAfrica-originhusbandabouttwentyyears

ago.Afterhavingbeentogetherforabouttwoyears,Laurenfoundoutthathewasmarriedand

hadafamilyinhishomecountry.Thewomanhewouldalwayscallhisex-partnerappearedtostill

behiswife.WhenheseparatedfromLauren,hebroughthisfamilytoAustralia.Whileatthetime

thishadaffectedLaurengreatly,shesincehadcometotermswithwhathappened.Sheexplained

that she understoodwhy he didwhat he did. ‘At the time’, she reasoned, ‘a kind of a general

powerlessness,hisinabilitytogainanysortofsuccesses’inhishomecountryhadinfluencedhis

decisions.Laurenthoughtthatforherex-partner,marryingherwas‘awayofsafeguardinghislife,

his future’.Buthealso lovedher,shewasverysure, ‘asmuchashecould’.Laurenfelt that ‘he

wantedtohavethis,ourchild,me,asafreshstart’.‘But’,sheadded,‘his[real]abilitytolovewas

backhome,whereheleftit,withhisfamily’.Whileithadbeenveryhardonher,Laurenhadalso

tried to understand the situation and had helped her ex-partner bring his family to live in

Australia. This example illustrates the importance of cultural contexts when analysing chosen

pathways to happiness, as described by Robbins (2013). It also indicates how the pursuit of

happiness is fluid rather than static, with happiness continuously serving as an object on the

horizonratherthansomethingtobefoundinthepresent.

After relationships ended, women often experienced new relationships with their now ex-

partnersasongoing,yetdysfunctional.Womenexpressedsurpriseathowmuchtheystillmeant

totheirexpartners.Menseemedtocontinuetoactasthoughtheywerestillinthemother-child

relationship that had developed throughout their intimate relationships and which had often

contributedtotheseparationitself.Menoftenreliedontheirex-partnersforhelpandadvice,and

womenfelt theyneededtohavesomesortofcontact,eventhoughtherelationshiphadended

yearsago.Becausetheyhadbeenthroughsomuchtogether, lettinggoofeverythingwashard.

Whilemenfeltguiltyand indebtedtotheirAustralianex-partners, itseemedthatsomewomen

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192

couldnotyet seeclearlyhowsignificant their role in theirex-partners liveshadbeen. Jade, for

instance,couldonlystopbeingangrywithherex-partnerafterhecalledhercrying,tosayhewas

sorry,andsheeventuallyunderstoodthatshewasnowlikeamothertohim.Itwasonlyafterthat

callthatsherealisedhowindebtedhefelttowardsher,andthushowmuchheactuallyrespected

her, even thoughhehadnever showed this respect toherbefore. Forher, thisphone call had

givenherawaytoreconcile,toacceptwhathadhappened,andwasanactionthatbroughther

peaceofmind.

Whilethelifechangingcharacteroftheunionswasareasonforcontinuingatleastsomesort

ofrelationshipafteraseparation,childrenwerealsoaveryimportantreasonforattemptstokeep

incontact.Women’sexperienceswiththefathersoftheirchildrenvaried.WhileNaomithought

herex-partnerwasa terriblemanforwhathedid toher,shewas ‘very impressed,veryhappy’

withhis involvementwith theirdaughter.Naomiemphasised thathenevermisseda chance to

seehisdaughter.Also,shefeltherex-partnerwasveryreliable,andhelpedoutfinanciallywhen

needed.Shesaidthat‘it isobviousheloveshisdaughteralotandIamluckyitisthisway,you

know’.Also,Eileenwashappytoseethattheirdivorcedidnotstopherex-partnerfromseeinghis

children.Eventhoughhenowlivedfarawayfromherandthechildren,shesaidthat‘hemanages

tocomeandspendtimewithhiskidseveryweek,andsometimeshasthemtostaythenightora

weekendathis’.

For other women, childrenwere solely their responsibility, as it appeared that fathers had

decided not to be involved. Sophie explained how she tried—and was still trying—to have

Anthonyas involved in theirdaughter’s lifeasmuchaspossible.Shewouldaskhimtocometo

visit,jointhemonexcursionsorpaychildsupport,butgenerallyAnthonyignoredsuchrequests.

Sophie also said that even if he did agree, that would not mean that he would keep to the

arrangement.WhilesuchbehaviourwasverydisappointingforSophieandtheirdaughter,and I

amnotawareofhisreasonsforhisunreliableandhurtfulbehaviour,thestoriesIcapturedofthe

menIinterviewedmayexplainatleastpartofthereasonsbehindAnthony’sconduct.Perhapshe

didnotfeelhehadanythingtocontributeandthereforepreferredtokeephisdistanceuntilsome

futuredaywhenhehadamorestablelife.

After separations, women slowly came to terms with the tumultuous years of marriage

migration. Even though women had realised their relationships were not particularly good or

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

193

healthy,andoftenfelttheexhaustionandstressderivingfromsuchrelationships,theyhadalso

beenextremelyreluctanttobreakupwiththeirpartner.Womenexpressedhowincrediblyhardit

hadbeenforthem,howlongithadtakenthemtoacceptthebreak-up,andhowmuchtimeithad

takenbeforetheywereable tomoveonwith their lives.Alice for instancehadsuffered froma

severedepressionafterthebreak-up.AndJadehadattemptedsuicideafterherpartner lefther

straight after he received his Permanent Residency. Also, Sophie felt depressed and visited a

psychologist for some time after her separation from Anthony. It seemed that for women,

marriagemigrationmadepartnersespeciallyconnectedtoeachother,givingthemanextralayer

ofcommitmentintheirrelationship.Forwomen,becausetheirromanticrelationshipfailed,sodid

theirmarriagemigrationproject,increasingtheseriousnessoftheeffectsonthem.Forwomen,it

took time to embark on new pathways to happiness. Formen, on the other hand, migration-

relatedhappinessprojectscontinuedastheyweremoreeasilyabletoshifttheproject’saims.

Yet,aswomen‘pickedupthepieces’afterafailedrelationship,theyoftenstatedthatitwas

important for them to work on themselves and/or to find another relationship built on more

stablefoundations.Laurenfocusedonwhatshefelt‘makesmehappy’,whichwereherchildren,

herinvolvementwiththecommunityandherpoetry.SophiefoundloveinhernewpartnerLucas.

She toldme that she had ‘learnt a lot’ fromher previousmarriagemigration project. Her new

partner,shefelt,wasmuchmorecompatible,andsheinsistedonmoreindependenceforherself

andherpartner.Shealsothoughtthatshehadbecomecalmerherself,andmorecomfortablein

herroleaswifeandmother,whichmadethenewrelationshipeasier.Suchexamplesindicatethat

happinessprojectsevolve. Italso illustrates thatmomentsof loss,griefandsadnessarepartof

projects—livesarehardlyever just ‘happy’,andthatsuchfeelingshelpwomentomakewayfor

neworalteredpursuitsofhappiness.

Thehappyones:narrativesofcompanionship

Despitemany undesired and unhappy outcomes, there were happy outcomes for some ofmy

interlocutors. As should be expected, these are not the fairy-tale happily ever afters from

children’s books, as that is not in the spirit of thenatureof happiness,which as discussed is a

processandapursuit(Ahmed2010).EightcouplesIinterviewedwerestilltogetherbytheendof

myfieldwork.Theyoungestrelationshipshadlastedforaboutthreeyears,whereasJoandRobert

hadbeentogetherforoverthirtyyears.Allofthesecouples,whilehavingsuccessfullymanaged

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

194

theirmarriagemigration journeys,alsoacknowledgedthedifficultiesoftherealitiesofmarriage

migration,andhowtheobstructionstheyfacedhadbeeninfluentialinshapingtheirpartnerships.

Partners were well aware that African-Australian couples often separated or divorced. All

partners,maleandfemale,saidthattheywerejustveryluckywiththeirpartners.Nevertheless,

some did offer suggestions about things which they felt made their relationship healthier and

happier.Mostwomenpinpointedahigh levelof independencywithintheirrelationshipandfelt

theyhadmanagedtocreateahealthybalancebetweenteamworkandallowingeachpartnerto

remainanindependentindividual.Anneforinstanceexplainedthatitwasmoreimportantforher

husband, to visit his home country than itwas for her. Therefore, they decided that hewould

travelasoftenashecouldandthatshewouldnotjoinhimoneverysinglejourney.Shesaidthat

continually travelling to Africa would leave her frustrated—mainly due to the geographical

distanceandlanguagebarriers—andwouldeventuallymakeher‘resenthisbackground’.Instead,

whenhe travelled by himself, shewould stay inMelbournewith their daughter. She felt there

weresomeadvantagestothisarrangement.Forexample,sheexplainedthat ‘Whenhegoesfor

Christmas,wearehappybecausewecanhavearealtreewhenheisnotthere’.Herpartnerhated

alltheneedlesonthegroundandwoulddemandafaketree.Shesaidthatotherpeopledidnot

alwaysunderstandthatshedidnotmindhimbeingawayforweeksatatime.Butsheenjoyedthe

timeapart.Shefeltitwas‘healthyforpersonaldevelopment’anddidnotthinkthatpeople‘need

tobetogetherallthetimetohaveagoodrelationship’.

LikeAnne,otherwomenemphasisedtheimportanceofhavingmennotbeingdependenton

them,whichhadbeendifficulttoachieve,giventhevisaregulationsandexperiencesofsettlingin

Australia. Men and women suggested that equality and mutual respect were important for

healthy relationships. Bothmale and female partners explained that if there is space for both

partners todevelop themselves inAustralia,andbe responsibleadults, the relationshipwillnot

fail. Thishadnotalwaysbeeneasy toachieve.Asdescribed in theprevious chapter,women in

lasting relationships admitted to being guilty ofmothering their partners toomuch early on in

theirrelationships.Emmarecalledhowmuchbettertheirrelationshipbecamewhenshedecided

toreallystopinterferingwithherpartnerMathew’sbusiness.Butshealsohadseenhimchangein

Australia.Itwascleartoherthatthemigrationjourneyhadbeenhardonhim.‘Especiallyinthe

earlyyears,hestruggled’,sherecalled.Notbeingabletogetarespectablejob,nortopursuehis

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

195

music career in ‘sleepyAdelaide’, as he couldhave in Europe, had changedMatthew’suplifted

spirit into a somewhat downhearted demeanour. While Emma had done what she could to

support her partner, she emphasised that the journey ofmarriagemigration had affected him

greatly. Their case, like others, exemplifies how marriage migration, with its institutional and

everyday racism and other hurdles along theway transformingmen into unhappy partners, as

well as the disappointments experienced by women, is a journey to happiness inflicted with

hardships.

Lillian, on theother hand, recallednoproblemswith her partner settling inAdelaide. Right

from the start, her husband sought to connect with other African migrants from his region.

‘William’,sheargued,‘neverstoppedbeingindependent’,and‘Ihavealwaysconsideredhimtobe

the head of our household’. She also explained, while laughing out loud, that she often

complimentedWilliamonhis looks,hisclothing,onanythingthatcametomind,as itwouldbe

goodforhimtofeelvalued,tofeellikeagoodmanandpartner.Whilenootherwomenstressed

complimentingtheirpartnersasakeytohappyrelationships,onsocialmediawomendidpraise

theirpartnersonspecialoccasions,orsharedphotosofthecouplehappilyinlove,addingwords

ofpraise fortheirpartners.Such instancesofcommendationandadmirationseemed important

ways to keep relationships intimate. They alsomay have improvedmen’s self-confidence in an

otherwiseratherharshenvironment.

While men, as well as women, mentioned companionship as reasons for their successful

relationships,theymainlyreflectedonthewayinwhichasenseofpurposewouldleadtobetter

outcomes.MenfeltthatafeelingofpurposeinAustralia,andfreedomandconfidencetoexplore,

aswellascompatibilitywithone’spartner,werecrucialtohealthyrelationships.Asarelationship

counsellor who often worked with Africa-origin partners of Australian women explained, both

marriage andmigration are life changing events, and to combine the two often leads to crisis.

Evenwhenmenhaveverygoodintentions,thecounsellorargued,thedoublereinventionofthe

selfaftermarriageandmigrationwasoftentoomuchtotolerate.Especiallyinsituationsinwhich

the spousehadpracticallyall thepowerandwoulduse it, too, thecounsellor said, itwouldbe

almostimpossibleforthemantoretainasenseofmeaninginhislife,agoodsenseofself.

Womendescribedtheirpartnersastheir ‘bestfriends’,andoftentheir ‘soulmates’.Women

wouldusetheideaof‘havingfoundmysoulmate’asawaytoexplainwhysheandherpartner

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

196

madesuchasuccessfulcouple.Butbeingsuitedtoeachotherandsharingcommoninterestsand

aspirationsdidnotmeanthattherewerenotdifficultiesintheirrelationship.Anne,forinstance,

whosaidshehadfoundhersoulmateinDylan,didexpressdisappointmentinthewaythecouple

broughtuptheirchildren.Whereasshehadheldromanticimaginariesoftheirfuturetogether—

sheforinstancehadpicturedthemtogetherinthepark,withtheirbaby—suchhopesturnedout

too‘rose-coloured’.Inreality,herhusbandleftmajorpartsofthechildrearingtoher,something

shewasnotparticularlyhappywith.Shefeltthatthiswasduetohisculturalbackground,asshe

thoughtthat inhishomecountry,womenweretheprimecarersofchildren,whichwasatodds

with her own expectations. Thus, while she felt shewas living the happily ever after with her

partner, their relationship in practical and everyday matters had not-so-happy and rather

disappointing aspects. But such disappointments, she felt, were part of life, and normal. This

examplealso—andagain—makesitevidentthatthisthesisdescribesthejourneysofrealpeople,

with different stories and different personalities and outlooks. Anne had her own ideas and

expectationsofrelationships,justlikealltheotherinterlocutors.

Generally though, companionship, as described by Giddens (1992), could be considered a

fitting model of lasting relationships. Women and men named the following as reasons their

relationshipswere successful and lasting: intellectual compatibility; shared future plans; similar

lifestyle; keeping to themselves; retaining someprivacy in their individual lives; respect for the

otherperson;friendship;complimentingandhonouringthepartnerinprivateaswellasinpublic;

showing interest in thepartner’s family;goodcommunicationwith thepartnerandadhering to

their‘rules’;andbeingresponsibleandavailableforthenuclearfamilyfirst.

Whatsuchreflections indicate isthatmarriagemigrationcouldbeameaningful,worthwhile

andpositive experience for some.And, even theunsuccessful relationships provided separated

partnerswith reasons for appreciating the experience of love/marriagemigration—even as the

memoriesofthatexperiencecouldstillbringbackhurtandpain.Thisindicatesthatthesearchfor

happiness—thehappinessprojectsofmyinterlocutors—continueseventhoughtheirorientations

andhorizonshave shifted.This shows thathappiness is futureoriented, something illusive that

canbringasenseofpurposetothemundaneeveryday(Walker&Kavedžija2015;Ahmed2010).

As Gardner states, and following on from Ahmed (2010: 31), ‘the point of the promise of

happiness is to travel, not to arrive. In this sense, it is easier to anticipate happiness than to

Conclusion:Lifeafterpermanentresidency

197

actually have it’ (2015: 209). While couples and partners were not always particularly happy

during their relationshipsor after they formally ended, theexperiences theyencounteredhave

nowinformedtheircurrentandfuturehappinessprojects.

Seeing marriage migration as a happiness project counters the narrative provided by the

media,andevident ingovernmentvisaapplicationprocesses,aboutshammarriages,howmuch

moneywomenostensiblylose,andhow‘evil’foreignmenare.Bothmigrantmenandsponsoring

womenwerelookingforhappyrelationshipsandhappylivesinAustralia,buttheobstructionsof

institutionalandeverydayracism,aswellasthegenderedexpectationsofrelationshipsinterfered

with their desired happy endings. Such obstructions, met during their journeys of marriage

migration were often the reasons for separations, not the ill intentions often presumed and

described by the media. By looking at the nuances of couples’ experiences with marriage

migration,itbecomesevidentthatdespitethebestofintentions,thehardshipsmetalongtheway

haveaninsidiouseffectonhappyoutcomes.Suchfindingsalsohelptosituatetheimportanceof

ananthropologicalefforttoreflectonboththelightanddarkexperiencesofmarriagemigration.

198

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