Verbal Defense for Kids booklet - WordPress.com

Use these five tools to put an end to meanness, harassment and bullying

Have you ever — in the midst of a stressful situation — found yourself at a loss for words? Or maybe you said something you shouldn’t have said? It happens all the time — and it happens to children, too. Stress and conflict bring out our worst — through insults, rage and a breakdown in communications. An inability to handle interpersonal stress makes a child vulnerable to bullying, disrespect and ultimately violence. Dignity is a basic human right to which everyone is entitled. When it’s violated, strong emotions arise, often with negative outcomes. If people just treated each other right, much violence could be prevented. The strategies of Verbal Defense & Influence have been taught to over 1 million professionals how to redirect negative behavior and reduce conflict through verbal communication. Verbal Defense & Influence is taught through the Vistelar Group, a global training and speaking organization focused on addressing the spectrum of human conflict. And now, read on and discover how these tactics have been adapted for young people and are now being taught in schools and within youth organizations around the country.

An inability to handle interpersonal stress makes a child vulnerable to bullying, disrespect and ultimately violence.

Vistelar Group 1845 N. Farwell Ave., Suite 210 Milwaukee, WI 53202 Learn more www.Vistelar.com Contact us [email protected]

Table of Contents

Page 4 Welcome

Page 5 Break the Bullying Cycle

Page 6 The Power of Assertiveness

Page 7 Tool 1 – Get the Facts

Page 9 Tool 2 – Get a Grip

Page 11 What’s an Anger Guard?

Page 12 Tool 3 – Build Assertiveness

Page 13 Tool 4 - Learn how to Deflect

Page 14 Using Word Blocks

Page 15 Tool 5 – Be the Solution

Page 16 About Us

Welcome Know how to verbally protect yourself

Verbal attacks can be personally devastating -- often more so than any physical attack. And, worse, when verbal attacks are not addressed and then escalate, they lead to more emotional impact and, in many cases, physical harm. The fact is that almost all physical violence begins with a verbal confrontation. This applies to everyone, regardless of age. If you're like most victims of verbal abuse, harassment, or bullying, you're looking for answers — and, as you’ve probably discovered, there is no shortage of "experts" who want to help. Most of them are great at describing the problem and how serious it is. But, when it comes to offering advice, the advice they do give is largely based on theories, not facts. What's needed are SOLUTIONS -- practical and proven tactics that YOU can use - RIGHT NOW -- to end meanness and make bullying and harassment stop. Our strategies have been developed and street-tested: Our Verbal Defense & Infleunce trainers teach professionals within business, government, law enforcement and education how to defuse crisis situations and deflect abuse through their words and personal demeanor As the former editor of a parenting magazine (and the mother of three school-age children), I deeply appreciate the value of easy-to-understand and relevant advice. By teaching your child verbal self-defense, you open to them a life of assertiveness and confidence … starting here with these five simple tools. To your child’s dignity and respect, Kathy Mangold

What's needed are proven tactics that you can use RIGHT NOW

Break the bullying cycle While everyone knows WHAT needs to be done about bullying, they lack the information, training, resources and practice on HOW to do it. We rarely run into a child, parent or teacher who doesn’t know WHAT to do (report complaints, take investigative action, intervene to stop the bullying, take action to prevent it from recurring). The problem we find is that they don’t know HOW to do these things in an effective manner that produces positive results. The Bully … Needs education … and strong consequences The Bullied … Needs greater confidence and a feeling of power The Bystanders … Must speak up and step up The Authorities (Teachers, Principal, Parents) … Must TRANSFORM the culture of the school!

The behavior bar was set high — and the teacher made sure every kid knew it …

Teacher taught the power of assertiveness My son had only been in middle school a few days when I got a call from his teacher, telling me what had happened the afternoon beforehand on the playground.

It was my son's birthday, and three boys had been giving him "birthday punches" at recess. The teacher saw it happening and immediately reprimanded those boys.

My son shrugged off the occurrence. Although the punches were painful, he never said anything to me that night. At the time, he thought it was "no big deal."

I congratulate the teacher for a number of reasons. First, he was present and saw this taking place. He immediately intervened, took action and followed up with a personal phone call to me.

And here's what I found most important: The teacher told me it was important that my son knew this was not acceptable behavior.

There's so much talk about ethical interventions, and the importance of creating a strong social contract, an atmosphere where bad behavior is not tolerated. The teacher sent a clear and decisive message about what he defined as impermissible behavior.

That set the tone for a very good school year. The behavior bar was set high ... and that teacher made sure every kid knew it.

_ _ _

This is an anecdote about the way things should be: Expectations are set high, communicated to all and, if violated, are addressed immediately.

Everyone within the community, whether it’s at school, within an organization or a family, has a role to play in maintaining high standards of conduct. And all members must be willing and empowered to stand up for the dignity of others … and themselves.

If you are a parent, a teacher or a mentor, make it your goal to help a young person learn this essential life skill.

TOOL 1: FOCUS ON THE FACTS

Conflict does not take place in a vacuum. So when you hear your child has been insulted or harassed by another child, the very first thing you need to do is get a handle on the full story. In piecing together the puzzle of events, you may need to ask your child questions such as: How do the two of you get along on a normal day? Was this a normal day, or did something take place today to make him or her mad? How were you involved? How did you react? Did anyone else see what happened? What did they do? Did you tell the teacher? What was their response? Was the problem settled, or did it continue? Remember, try not to ask questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Your purpose it to collect information that will help you piece together what took place.

continued

Think of it as the difference between

seeing a snapshot and watching the

whole movie.

This method of fact-finding is the first step in determining how you and your child should respond to the problem. Your response must be tailored to the situation.

This type of reasoning is called “tactical thinking.” Now, when most people hear the word “tactical,” they probably think of police or combat. But what that word really means is Think about that: You must have an end purpose in mind so that everything you say and everything you do is focused on accomplishing that mission.

Once you get your child’s side of the story, you might want to consider following up and finding out from others (teacher, principal) what happened. Only then will you be able to determine whether bullying is taking place. We define bullying as persistent, pervasive and predatory. (Although your kids might call it getting picked on, harassed, singled out or iced out.) Bullying can be verbal or nonverbal. It can be outright name-calling and belittling. It can involve objectifying a child so they are no longer a person in the eyes of others, but an object of ridicule (“Fatty” or “Nerd”). Bullying can also be insidious, like exclusion (“I’m not inviting you to my party,” or “You can’t sit here”). Or it can look like rumor-mongering via texting or facebook. Bullying can take place on the schoolbus, throughout the school day and in cyberspace. In the case of bullying or harassment, the facts are fundamental in devising a plan that will keep your child safe from both physical and emotional harm.

TACTICAL: To be strategic in planning to accomplish a purpose

TOOL 2: GET A GRIP

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO: Nothing short-circuits the parental brain like seeing your child in distress. It can trigger a floodgate of emotion, even among the most otherwise level-headed parents. And while your child is looking to you for comfort, what they also need is your guidance. This is no time for your Mama or Papa Bear instincts to rage. Witnessing your child being bullied might also drudge up memories of your own childhood experiences, making the waters of reason even cloudier still. So … offer your child a shoulder to cry on, but it is 100 percent important that you keep your emotions in check, both with them and with follow-up conversations with your child’s teacher and other parents. Rage and sadness will get you (and your child) nowhere. And remember, get all the facts first: If you jump to conclusions or act rashly you will lose credibility in the long run. Get the full story.

WHAT YOUR CHILD MUST DO: If this is a chronic problem for your child, once those tears have dried, take a step back and see if there are characteristics or qualities that makes your child a bully magnet. Consider their nonverbal language and the image they project, as well as their emotions when under stress. Important: While they might think they are bullied because of a certain physical or personal quality, they are really bullied because their reaction somehow gratifies the bully. Remember, bullies select their prey much like a lion chooses a slow-moving animal. A bully targets a child who can likewise be taken down and made low.

As a parent, you can help them pinpoint what makes them angry or sad, and teach them to manage their reaction.

We call this “Knowing Your Weakness,” and it is crucial to managing your reaction. Because being prepared mentally, physically and emotionally is the key to safeguarding a child throughout their life. This essential quality will help them develop self-control and self-discipline. Because being able to control yourself is the first step to being in control around others and in stressful situations. MAKE THE CHANGE: Your child needs to rethink conflict in terms of “when” and not “if” … And have a pre-planned, practiced response ready for the situations that would otherwise catch him or her off-guard.

DID YOU KNOW … There’s only one thing that separates Anger from Danger. Do you know what that is?

The letter D

Nothing short-circuits the parental brain like seeing your child in distress. It can trigger a floodgate of emotion, even among the most otherwise level-headed parents.

Anger Guards: Name It, Know It, Own It An Anger Guard is like putting a cap on the things that trigger your temper. This goes hand in hand with maintaining self-control. If you can name and know the things that bother you most, you then have the ability to regain control. So how do you put a lid on the things that bother you the most?

NAME IT: Help your child identify the things that bother him or her the most. Is it being called a name? What name specifically? KNOW IT: Have him give this act or event a specific name (“Here comes ‘Mr. Shoves-Kids-In-The-Hallway.’”) OWN IT: At the point of impact, your child must take deep breath and remember just what this is: A trigger designed to get a rise. It no longer has the same impact once they can see it coming, and recognize it for what it is.

Help your child walk the path from VICTIM to VICTOR

TOOL 3: BUILD ASSERTIVENESS Assertiveness - you either have it or you don’t. Right? WRONG. Assertiveness is a skill that can be taught to children, beginning with the physical qualities that are associated with this trait. The “look” of assertiveness includes: Straight and tall body language Eye contact Strong voice You can work with your child to develop these specific qualities; in many instances, these simple physical changes to a child’s demeanor can dissuades bullies from targeting them, as these children no longer look or sound like potential victims. Sometimes, children have a hard time understanding the concept of “just-right assertiveness.” You can give them a scale from 1 to 5: THE ASSERTIVENESS SCALE 1 Meek 2 Passive 3 JUST-RIGHT ASSERTIVENESS 4 Pushy 5 Aggressive With this scale as your guide, have them rate their favorite television characters. Help them determine the specific qualities that earn the label of meek, pushy or aggressive. Then, work with your child at home to build their assertiveness. Have them order their own meal at a restaurant. Give them a rating, and tell them why.

Question: When I was growing up, my parents would tell me to ignore the bully, so that he or she would get tired of picking on me. Is this what I should tell my kids? __________________ Answer: IGNORING the problem will make it WORSE. Here’s why … Bullies thrive on power, and by enabling them to continue the harassment, you are effectively handing over complete control to the bully. It is almost impossible to ignore bullying. Even if you remain silent, your body language and other nonverbal cues will give you away. Learning ASSERTIVENESS will let you tell the bully to stop, once and for all.

TOOL 4: LEARN HOW TO DEFLECT How do you stay physically safe when under attack? Well, if you’re learning self defense the first thing that’s taught is how to block and move. You wouldn’t let someone punch you. You’d put up your hand to block them. You need to do the same thing with a verbal attack. Keep yourself safe by moving away from the danger. On the next few pages you’ll learn about “Word Blocks,” short phrases designed for you to move aside and move on. If you move toward the attack, you’ll find yourself in the middle of a confrontation. This is an easy, visual concept for kids to understand. These responses must be like a reflex, done swiftly and without a trace of anger or emotion. In the case of a casual insult, the ability to block, move and move on is essential. If you haven’t noticed already, the advice in this little book for children holds true for adults, too. By remaining calm in the face of conflict, you keep control on your side. Use your Anger Guard to put a cap on your emotions (see page 11) and don’t overreact. And while it’s tempting to counter these verbal attacks with a comment or response of our own, you must not take the bait. The words that fly right out without thought or reason, are devastating. You can’t take back those words already spoken. Just think about all the times you wished you’d never said something. Learning how to block and move away from the conflict will literally keep you out of harm’s way.

Remember: Keep yourself safe by moving away from the danger.

Remember: You are how you LOOK, how you ACT and how you REACT

Say what?

Word Blocks Let You Step Away from Conflict Think of a Word Block as a little phrase that enables you to step aside and block a verbal attack.

Word Blocks can be funny, apologetic or even a little bit threatening. Here’s why it’s important to have a Word Block ready for any situation: Having a response keeps you from being caught off-guard. If you have an automatic response, you maintain the ability to stay in control. They must be immediate: “Whoa! Time out! Is there a reason you’re calling me stupid?” They can be silly: “You’re stupid.” “Hey thanks! I’m working on it.” They can help diffuse a situation escalating into violence: “Is there something I did to make you angry at me? I apologize if I did something wrong.” A Word Block must be delivered swiftly, and without a trace of emotion.

TTOOL 5: BE THE SOLUTION Will Your Child Do the Right Thing? Your child is no bully. But does he stand up when his or her classmates are under attack? For bullying to end, every person in the group - even the onlookers - must know that this type of behavior simply cannot be tolerated. There’s no such thing as an innocent bystander anymore. There’s too much at stake. Much of today’s research around the issue of school violence centers on the role of the bystander. Yet standing up and doing what’s right has a certain stigma attached to it: Those who speak up are called tattletales, or worse. Explain to your child the difference between being a busybody and bringing a problem to light. Tell them this:

Tattling hurts. Telling helps. For bullying to flourish in a school, it has to be welcomed, it has to be ignored, or it has to be incorrectly managed. Take the lead, and stand up for what’s right.

The Vistelar call to action

For even the most insignificant encounters, a young person’s response must be planned, practiced and finely tuned. Being too timid or too aggressive will lead to troubles. They’ve got to get it just right. Their response is ultimately what will make or break a situation. Having the right response can accomplish three things: 1) They can calm down potentially ugly situations 2) They can control your own anger 3) They notch up their ethics to the next level by protecting others, too The trainers of the Vistelar Group have been offering personal and professional development programs that address the spectrum of conflict for 28 years. Think of it this way: The only fight you’re guaranteed to win is the fight you never have.

“I can notice the difference in my son’s overall demeanor. He is much more relaxed, more self-assured and he just handles himself better in all different types of situations.” — David Glazer, parent “What happens out on the playground on a daily basis at school also happens with adults on a daily basis out in the community ... If you start young and work with them today on defense and having them be assertive rather than aggressive, this will cut down on problems later in life.” — Jane Schulties, parent and teacher “It is amazing how quickly they can acquire these skills.” — Rick Sykes, parent

www.Vistelar.com

Verbal Defense for Kids booklet - WordPress.com

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