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LookingOverMyShoulder

MyrtleHeery,Ph.D.

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Iknowwhatyouwant.Youwantastorythatwon'tsurpriseyou.Thatwill

confirmwhatyoualreadyknow.Thatwon'tmakeyouseehigherorfurtheror

differently.Youwantaflatstory.Animmobilestory.Youwantdry,yeastless

factuality.LifeofPi,(Martel,2001,p.302)

Theobjectiveworldcanbedry,yeastlessfactuality.SuchasIamwriting,which

involvesmyfingerstouchinglettersonthekeyboardofacomputer,andinabroaderview

oftheobjectivereality,itisaspringdayinCaliforniaintheyear2020.Iamnowsheltering-

in-placealongwithallCaliforniansduetotheCOVID-19pandemic.Howisthisobjective

realityaffectingme?

MyisolationduetoCOVID-19isbringingmysubjectiverealityintosharpfocusonmy

wholelifeandmyexistentialquestionsaboutlivinganddying.Isitinsilencetotouchmy

feelingsandfindthewordstoexpressthesefeelings.Itabsolutelysuckswatchingthenews

onTVandlearningthatthousandsofpeoplearedyingeverydayallovertheworldfrom

thisvirus.NooneIknowpersonallyhasdiedyet,butIamsureIwillknowsomeonesoon

enough.AndIcouldbeoneofthosewhodies.Atage73,Iampartofthemorevulnerable

olderpopulation,andmychancesofdyingaregreaterifIshouldcontractthevirus.

Thisrealityisharsh,yetparadoxicallycomfortingtoknowthateveryoneonthe

planetisgoingthroughthisexperiencetogether.Isharethisimmediatefocuswithyou,the

reader,tobringyouintomyactualmomentasIwrite.Asyoureadthesewords,partof

yourobjectiverealityisthatyouareholdingabookandreadingitorlisteningtothisbook

onanauditorydevice.Partofyoursubjectiverealityisthatwhatyouarereadingor

listeningtoisstirringfeelings,impressions,images,andotherunknowndimensionsof

yoursubjectiveworld.Theobjectiveworldtouchesusharshly,humorously,sweetlyinso

manyways—andstirsupoursubjectiveworld.

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Theinnerworldofeachpersonisimmense,perhapslargerthanwilleverbe

consciouslyknowntoyourselfortoothers.Thisvastunknownterritoryisthelandscape

throughwhichIaccompanymyclientsontheirpsychotherapeuticjourneys.Totalkabout

meoraclientistomakemeortheclientanobjectofobservation,ofspeculation,orof

report.Humanobjectsarenottobeconfusedwithhumansubjects.Theveryfactofhuman

subjectivityisthemostdistinguishingandsalientfeatureofhumanlife(Bugental,1999).

Wehavetheparadoxofthehumanassimultaneouslybeingbothsubjectandobject.This

paradoxicaldistinctioniscrucialandisattherootofexistential-humanisticpsychotherapy.

Thus,thisrecognitionoflimitation—whichIamnowwritingaboutandyouarenow

readingaboutorlisteningto—appliestowhatIamsayingrightnow.

Whatdoweholdwhenourlivesarethreatened?Whatisthemeaningofliving?What

doweholdtobetrueaswepassthroughgreathardships?Thesequestionsandmoreare

criticaltomeintheseheightened,unpredictablemoments.Icontemplatethesequestions

inthefollowingpagesandinviteyoutoaccompanymeonmyobjectiveandsubjective

journeyinbecomingandbeing,firstandforemost,anexistential-humanisticperson,and

second,insharingthegreathonorofaccompanyingothersontheirsacredjourneyofbeing,

belongingandbecomingthroughpsychotherapy.

HonoringGrannieWisdom

IhavenocluewhatmyGranniewouldsayordoifshelivedinthesetimesof

thousandsofpeopledyingfromavirus.ShelivedthroughtheSpanishflupandemic,World

WarI,theGreatDepression,WorldWarII,andthepolioepidemic.ThesetragediesIknow

contributedimmenselytowhoshebecame.

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MyGranniewastiny,maybefivefeettall,withpiercingblueeyesthatseemedfrom

myperspectivetoseerightintomysoul.Inotherwords,noliestoGrannie!Shecrocheteda

lot.Iwouldsitatherfeetandstareatherfingersquicklymovingthethinthreadswitha

tinyneedleinandout,formingthemostbeautifulplacemats,hats,gloves,andevenhuge

tablecloths.Thethreadwaseitherpurewhiteorlightbrown.Whethershechoseonecolor

overtheotherdependedonwhoshewasgivingtheitemtoandforwhatuse.Whenshe

woulddropastitchandgobackandpickitup,Iwouldlookcloselyathowshemadethe

correction.Shequicklypickedthestitchup,movingherfingersandneedlebacktothe

droppedstitch.

Thoseblueeyesneverstrayedfromtheworkofherfingers.Themistakeswere

quicklycorrectedwitheaseandsometimeswhilehumminganoldgospelhymn.She

showedmehowtobepatient,howtocorrectmistakes,andhowtoletgo.Sittingatherfeet,

watchingherhandsworking,andrarelytalkingwasthesettingforthemore-than-weekly

lessonsbuildingthefoundationofwhoIbecame.Whenshedidspeak,itwasprofound.I

rememberaskingGranniewhatwerethosefunnypurplethingspeekingthroughtheskin

onherhands.

“Child,thoseareveinsthegoodLordshowstousaswegrowolder,remindingusthat

ourtimehereislimited.”

“WhenwilltheLordshowveinsonmyhands?”

“Intime,littleone,intime.Don’tworryyourself;ithappenstoeveryone.”

“Whatdoesitmeanthattimeislimited,Grannie?”

“NowthatisabigsubjectIwillanswerwhenyouareolder.Fornow,remembertouse

yourwonderfulgigglenomatterwhathappens.Promiseme?”

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“Ipromise,Grannie.”

Weneverhadthattalkabouttimebeinglimited.Insteadshewouldtellmeregularly,

“Remembertogiggle,becauseyouwillneedit.”

ThepowerofGranniewisdomcomesasagreatbalancewiththetragediesI,along

withmillionsofothers,arelivingthroughwithCOVID-19.Shewasright,laughingattimes

helpsmetremendouslyrightnow.Nottodiminishtheimmenselossesbothphysicallyand

economically,buttoassistinbringinghopeintothemomentandthefuture.

Granniewasthefirstexistential-humanistIknew.Shewalkedhertalk.Iamsureshe

neverknewthetermexistential-humanistandwouldprobablylaughtoseethosewords

besidehername.

Iremembertheveinsonmygrandmother’shands,andIseetheveinsonmyown

handssteadilyshowingandmarkingtime.Myhandsarelikeafaithfuloldclock,reminding

medailythatIamagingandmorevulnerableemotionallyandphysically.AsIlookovermy

shoulderatmylife,Iseeitwitholdereyes,hopefullywithwiseeyessimilartomy

Grannie’s.

WhitePrivilege

IwasbornintoamiddleclasswhitefamilyinSavannah,Georgia,in1946.Myfather

wasJudgeoftheFamilyCourt.Anyonecouldcallhimathomeandtheydid.Therewereno

cellphones,andtheJudge’shomenumberwasinthephonebook,makinghimaneasy

contactforeveryone.Peoplecalledregularly,andassoonasIcouldreachthatphoneI

pleadedtoanswerit.Daddydidnotwanttotakethecourtcallsathomeandagreedtohave

mebasicallyappeasethecaller.Heinstructedmetotellwhoeverwascallingthathewould

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talkwiththembyphonetomorrowathisoffice.Therewasthecaveatthatifthiswasan

emergency,theyshouldhangupandcall911forthepolice.

IwassoexcitedtoanswerthephoneusingthemostadultvoiceIcouldfindinmy

seven-year-oldbody.Iwouldsay,“Youneedtocallthepoliceifyouneedhelprightthis

minute,andyoucancallmyDaddyathisofficeinthemorning.”Iproudlygavethem

Daddy’sofficenumberandproceededtolimittheconversationandhangupthephone.

Butthepeoplecallingoftenwantedtotalk,andIwantedtolisten.Ofcourse,the

conversationwouldgoalittlelonger.Thesephoneexperiencestaughtmealotabout

peoplewhomIwouldotherwiseneverhaveknown.IwaswhiteandprivilegedintheSouth

intheearly1950s.Mostofthepeoplewhocalledwerewomenwhowerebeingmistreated

bytheirhusbands,physicallyand/orfinancially.Theyweredesperate,andtheywantedthe

Judgetoinstantlyfixtheirsituation.Iencouragedthemtocallthepoliceimmediatelyif

theywereinharm’sway.

Butwhatwasharm’sway?IneversawDaddyhitmyMomoreventhreatentodoso.

Manyofthewomencallingwerefrightenedknowingthatthemenintheirlivesmighthurt

them.Ihadmyeyesopenedtothedarksideoflifeandsawthepoweroflisteningand

referringthoseinneedimmediatelytosomeonewithmorepowerthanthisseven-year-old

girlhad.

OftenIwouldruntoDaddyafteracallandreportIhaddonemybestbylistening

carefully,andthentellingthemtocallthepolice.Daddyalwaysseemedcalminhis

reactionstomystories,reassuringmethepolicewouldhandlethesituation.Ihadlistened

todarknessbutwasalsoveryprotectedfromdarkness.Fromtheseshelteredroots,I

listenedandlearnedthatIwasprivileged—andwithprivilegecameresponsibility.

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TheresponsibilityshowedupeverySundayafterchurch.Myfamilywouldwalkthe

hallsoftheMethodistHospital,whereDaddywaschairmanoftheboard.Daddywouldstop

andaskeachemployee—includingnurses,doctors,janitors,andcooks—howtheywere.

Wewouldeatlunchwiththeemployeesinthecafeteria.Yes,cafeteriafoodaccompaniedby

kindinquiryintothelivesofeachpersonwhomadethehospitalfunction.

Thismemoryremindsmeofawisesaying:“Theservicewerenderothersistherent

wepayforourroomonearth.”Theseweeklyhospitalvisitscreateddeepgratitudetomy

familyforhelpingmeunderstandtheexistentialfactthatwearesimultaneouslyinthe

processoflivinganddyingtogether.

Curiosity

Iwasaninnatelycuriouschild.Iconsistentlyaskedtheadultsinmylifeobvious

questions.Oftenthesequestionswereuncomfortablefortheadults,butthankfullyIwas

notpunishedforasking.IwouldnotsayIwasencouraged,butIkeptasking.

WehadanAfricanAmericanmaidnamedVangie,whoinadditiontocleaningour

home,washedandironedourclothes,oftenstayinglatetofinishherwork.Iremember

askingmyparentsatthedinnertable,“Whycan’tVangieeatwithus?”Mymother’sreply

wasalwaysthesametomanyofmyquestions,“Whenyouareolder,Iwilltellyou.”This

quickdialogueendedwithmepickingupmyplateandsaying,“Well,inthemeantime,Iam

goingdownstairstoeatmydinnerwithVangie.”

DownthestairsIwouldgowithmydinnerplateinhand.Noonefollowedme,but

ratherletmedomything.AsIsettledintoachairnexttoVangie,whowasironing,Iasked

her,“Whycan’tyoucomeupstairsandeatdinnerwithus?”Vangieneverlookedup,but

keptonironingandsaid,“Childwhenyouareolder,Iwillansweryou.”Wow,Momand

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Vangiehavethesameboringanswer,soIamgoingtocomedownstairsandeatmydinner

nexttoVangieuntilIgetolder.Right?

Makessensedoesn’tit?Inachild’sworld,IdidnotwanttoleaveVangieoutand

actuallylovedbeingwithher.SomeeveningsIwouldeatmydinnernexttoVangiewhile

sheironedandothereveningsIwouldeatupstairswithmyfamily.Noonestoppedmeor

questionedme.Inretrospect,thiswasgrace!Attheironing/dinnersessionsIwouldask

Vangiemoreobviousquestions.

“Howcomeyourskincolorisdifferentthanmine?”

“ItjustisthewaytheLordmadeus,differentincolor.”

Ilearnedthatskincolormadeahugedifferenceinourlives.WhenIwouldsometimes

hopinthecarwithMomtotakeVangiehome,Isawmoredifferencesintheneighborhood

whereVangielived.Isawpovertythere,buttheparadoxwastherespectVangiemerited

fromherfamilyforbeingemployedintheJudge’shome.

Iwasinaweofthesedifferenceswithnoanswersfromtheadultsregardingthe

pronounceddisparity.Isooncametounderstandinjusticeandhowitworked,butnever

why.Imadeacommitmenttodosomethingaboutthisinjustice.Forme,thecolorofskin

didnotmatter;VangieandGranniemodeledformewisdomthroughcompassion,

tolerance,forgivenessandlove.

MartinLutherKing,Jr.

In1966,fifty-fouryearsago,IhadthegreathonortohearMartinLutherKing,Jr.

speakattheJohnsonC.SmithUniversity(JCSU)inCharlotte,NorthCarolina.Ialongwith

mywhitecollegeroommate,Leigh,weretheonlywhitepeopleintheaudience.Our

connectiontogetintothiseventwasafriendofourswhosemotherwasaprofessorat

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JCSU.Wehadunbelievablygoodseatsinthethirdrowfromthefront.Therearemoments

inlifewhenyouknow,evenastheyarehappening,thatyourlifewillbeforeverchanged.

Thiswassuchamoment.Dr.KinglookeddirectlyatLeighandmeandaskedinhisvery

strong,clearvoice,“Whatareyoudoingwithyourlife?”Ithoughttomyself,“Iammaking

goodgradesincollege.AmIsupposedtobedoingsomethingelse?”Andagainhelooked

straightatusandasked,“Whatareyoudoingwithyourlife?”Histalkwentonaboutthe

preciousgiftoflifeandusingyourlimitedtimewell.ThenIrememberedwhatGranniesaid

whenIwasyounger:lifedoesn’tgoonforever.

Dr.Kingtalkedopenlyaboutthefacthewouldmostlikelybekilled,andsaidhewas

willingtodieforhiscommitmenttotheintegrationofAfricanAmericanpeople.My

thoughtswentalotdeepertohisquestion,whatwasIdoingwithmylife?Thisquestion

becamemymantraformanymonthsafterthatevent.Istartedlookingatendings,not

beginnings.CollegewouldbeoversoonandwhatwasIgoingtodo?Aprivilegedlifeof

travelinganddrinkingaftercollegemadenosensewhenIdaredtocontemplatemyown

death.MeetingDr.Kingwokemeuptotheimportanceofusingtimewithintentionand

commitment.

TwoyearslaterwhenIlearnedofDr.King’sdeath,Iwept.Imarched,satintheback

ofpublicbuses,wroteletters,andprotestedtheinjusticessufferedbyAfricanAmerican

peopleintheSouth.Istartedlivingfromtheinsideout,notfromtheoutsidein.Ibegan

followingamuchlargerguidancefrominsidewithcommitmenttomylivingwithintention

andcommitment.

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IhadspentenoughtimeintheSouthtoknowIdidnotbelongthere.Ineededtofind

mypeople,mytribe.EventuallyIlefttheSouthandfoundmypeopleinnorthernCalifornia,

wheremanydoorsopenedforme.

TheShoeFits

Existential-humanisticpsychotherapyhasbeentheperfectfitwithmyrootsintaking

responsibilityformylifeandmypassionforsocialjustice.Iwasdrawntoapsychotherapy

careerwithcuriosityandloveoflisteningtopeoplewithtroublesveryearlyinmylife.

Istudiedmanymodelsofpsychotherapyingraduateschools,andmyresonancecame

withCarlRogers’sperson-centeredhumanisticwork(Rogers,1965).Thismodelgavemea

languageforwhatIhadexperiencedinmychildhood:empathy,unconditionalpositive

regard,andcongruence.IhadthehonorofmeetingRogersatameditationgatheringand

witnessedhimwalkinghistalkwitheveryone,includingme.

Iadmiredhiscongruenceandknewthat,ifItoowantedtowalkmytalk,Iwouldneed

toexperiencepsychotherapyasaclient.Ienteredpsychotherapywithahumanistic

psychologist,EleanorHamilton,Ph.D.ThoseyearsofinnerexplorationwithEleanorwere

transformativeandwouldtakeaverylongchaptertoshare.Individualpsychotherapyis

essentialtobecomingatherapist.Whowantstotakeacartomechanicswhowouldn’t

workontheirownvehicles?

Thecombiningofhumanismwithexistentialpracticehappenedatthedoctorallevel

ofmystudies,undertheunexpectedsupervisionofJimBugental,Ph.D.ThefirsttimeImet

JimBugentalwasinhissmallofficeinSantaRosa,California,intheearly1980s.Ihadno

ideawhothismanwas,butmyfriendandcolleague,AnnDreyfus,whohadintroducedme

toCarlRogers,saidJimwas“thebest.”JimwasverywillingtomeetwithmewhenItold

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himIhadnotreadanythinghehadwritten.Ofcourse,Irememberedhisnamefrom

textbooksinrelationtoexistential-humanisticpsychology,butatthatpointinmycareer,I

wasmoreinterestedinhowfarIhadtodriveforanotherlegofsupervisionforbothclients

andmydoctoraldissertation.SantaRosawasclosetohome.

Wemet,andIpromisednottoreadanythingJimhadwrittenforoneyearwhile

hesupervisedmycases.Hewantedtotrainsomeonetofollowthesubjectivelifeof

theclientwithouttheuseoftheory.Ilikedtheideaofnoreadingverymuchandwas

fullofcuriosityabouthowJimfollowedaclient’ssubjectiveworld.Towardtheendof

theinterview,JimaskedifIhadanyquestions.Ihadbeendrawntoaphotoofaman

withawonderfulsmileonthewallbehindJim.SoIwentforwhatwas“real”forme,

whichIquicklylearnedwasofgreatvaluetoJim.

“Whoisthemaninthepicture?”,Iasked.Jimreachedbacktothephoto,pickedit

up,andtearsbegantomoistenhischeeks.“ThisisAlLasko,mybestfriend.Hedied

recently.”Jimlookedupfromthephotoandlookedintomyeyeswithapresencerich

withthetruthofwhattrulymattersinbeinghuman—humanrelationships.Iwas

experiencingauthenticityinthemoment.Thisishowhefollowedeveryone’s

subjectiveworld.Heliveditfullywithvulnerabilityandhonesty.

Jimtaughtmethroughtears,humor,storytelling,silence,intellectual

discussions,disagreements,writings,walks,lunches,andanyopportunityhecould

taketoquestion,toexplore,andtofollowhisinsatiablecuriosityaboutthesubjective

worldintheactualmoment.Caseconsultationwasnot“about”theclientbutrather

thelivedmomentofconsultation.Essentialtomyconsultationswaswhathappened

insideofmewhenIbroughttheclientintodiscussion.Forexample,Jiminvitedmeto

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paceinhisofficewhenIsharedthatmyclientoftenpacedduringsessions.Thisclient

hadbeenlabeledschizophrenicformanyyears.AsIpacedinJim’soffice,Ifeltthe

isolationandfearofthislabelandtearsstreameddownmyface.Wordswerenot

needed.

Ireturnedtoseeingthisclientwithadepthofpresencetoheremotionalpain

thatwaswhatJimcalledmypoustoforourlongworktogether.Pousto,aGreekterm

meaningaplacetostand,inpsychotherapyisasteadyinnerstandwiththeclient

whileexploringthestrugglesofbeinghuman.

Thisexperienceofwalkinginanother’sshoeshappenedinsomanydifferent

formswithJim.Aftergroupconsultationswewouldoftengotolunch.Jimlikeda

certainrestaurantthatemployedawaitresshenicknamed“GiggleBox.”Shehadan

infectiouslaughandnomatterhowmanystruggleswehadlistenedtothatmorning

inconsultation,listeningtoGiggleBoxwasjustasimportanttous.Balancewas

alwaysimportant.

InhislateryearsJimlostalotofhismemory,buttookthelossasanopportunity

tolivefullywhathehadvaluedsodeeplyallofhislife—theactualmoment.Hislast

yearswerespentmostlywithhisamazingwifeElizabeth,enjoyingthebeautifulblue

heronintheirbackyard,softlypettinghisbeloveddog,Dickens,andsharingsomany

otherwonderfulmomentsofloveandjoy.

IstruckadealwithJimtowardtheendofhislife.Iftherewasalifeafterdeath,

hewouldsendmeamessagethatIcouldnotmistake.Aboutaweekafterhedied,I

waswaitinginmyofficeforaclientwhenaframedpicturesuddenlyfelloffthewall

andlandedatmyfeet.ItwasaposterfromanInternationalTranspersonalconference

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withthewords“IndividualChoiceandUniversalResponsibility.”Ifoundtearswelling

upinmyeyes.Iwasnotsure,butitseemedtobethepromisedmessage.Beinga

stubbornstudent,Ihadtogetonemoremessage.Laterthatday,therewasaletterin

mymailboxfromalocalmortuarywiththefollowingmessage:“Youtoowilldieone

day!Todayandonlytodayyoucanpurchaseyourcremationfor50percentoff.”

Okay,Igotit.ThesewordsremindedmeofoneofJim’sfrequentphrases,

“pointingwithyourelbow,”whichheusedtoemphasizethenecessity,yetlimitation,

ofwordsinattemptingtodescribeone’ssubjectiveexperience.Thankyou,Jim,for

gentlyandhumorously“pointingwithyourelbow”tothetruth.Jim’steachingsare

aliveinme,andIdearlymisscallinghimtohear,“Hi,justaminute,letmeturnthe

musicdown.”(Heery,2011)

TheWrittenWord

ItwasveryimportanttoJimtogetthewrittenwordpublishedaboutexistential-

humanisticpsychotherapy.Onthattopic,Iandmanyofhisotherstudentspublished

frequently.Tomotivatemetowriteandpublish,heworkedavidlywithmywritingand

encouragedmetoreadavarietyofliteratureabouttheexistential,includingclassicsby

formativethinkerssuchasFrankl,May,Tillich,andYalom(seereferencelist).Iencourage

andoftenrequiremystudentstoreadandabsorbtheseinvaluableresources.

Jim’sencouragementincludedaskingmetocritiquehislastbook,PsychotherapyIsn’t

WhatYouThink(1999)priortopublication.Hefine-tunedmywritingbyco-authoring

threearticleswithme,startingin1999with“UnearthingtheMoment,”then“Listeningto

theListener:AnExistential-HumanisticApproachtoPsychotherapywith

Psychotherapists,”and“MeaningandTransformation”in2005.

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Inthemeantime,Ipublishedonmyownandwithothercolleagues.Itookonadeeper

responsibilityin2013whenIstartedmyownpublishingcompany,TonglenPress.Ihave

publishedthreebooksandmorethan10articlesandchaptersinpsychologytextbooks

withotherpublishers.Andaddingspicetomymenu,IhaveinterviewedAlbertEllisonhis

methodofcognitivebehaviortherapy,bringingtolightsimilaritiesanddifferenceswiththe

existential-humanisticmodel(Heery,2000).

Tosupportmylifelongcommitmenttosocialjustice,in2002Ifoundedanon-profit

organization,theInternationalInstituteforHumanisticStudies(IIHS).TheInstituteoffers

trainingsforstudents,interns,andprofessionalsinexistential-humanisticpsychotherapy.

IIHSalsoprovidesscholarshipsforminoritystudentswhoareandwillbeserving

underprivilegedpopulationsaftertheycompletethetrainings.Theseven-year-oldMyrtle

whoansweredtheJudge’sphoneandheardfrighteningstories,created,asanadult,a

meanstohelpaddressthedarknessbyempoweringminoritiestohelpminorities.

Abookgrewoutofthetrainingswithacollectionofwritingsfromanumberof

studentsapplyingtheexistential-humanisticmodeltoavarietyofpopulations(Heery,

2014).IcarriedonJim’spassionforwritingandpublishingwithmyownstudents,using

theTonglenPressplatform.ThepublishingworkprogressedfurtherwhenIcompiled

AwakeningtoAgingwithmyneuropsychologistcolleagueGreggRichardson,Ph.D.—firstin

2009andasecondeditionin2015.Botheditionsreachedmanyreadersonthechallenges

ofaging—exploringdeathanddyingandmakingmeaningfromlossandgrief(Heery,2014

&2015).ThesubjectthatcalledtomeasachildatmyGrannie’sfeetfollowsmetothisday.

In2017,IfollowedinJim’sfootstepsandwashonoredasthefirstwomantoreceive

theRolloMayAwardforIndependentandOutstandingPursuitofNewFrontiersin

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HumanisticPsychology—givenbyDivision32oftheAmericanPsychologicalAssociation.

Mynominationforthisawardwassubmittedbymyformerstudentandnowcolleague,

LouisHoffman,Ph.D.TheripplingoutofworkinspiredbyJimcontinueswithgreat

authenticityasweservethoseinneedwithcompassion,courage,hope,resilience,and

tolerance.

AuthenticityRemembered

AsIlookovermyshoulderatmyinternationalteachingexperiences,Iseefaces,

stories,tears,laughter,andsomuchmoreallweavingtogetherthegivensofthehuman

condition.Ifeelhumbledbythedepthofeachindividual’sstory,bytheirreachingdeep

insidethemselvesinfrontofprimarilystrangerstomakemeaningoftheirlives.

Irememberatall,well-dressedRussianwomanwhoattendedatrainingIledin

Russia.Thesuitsheworeeverydaywasthesameandinperfectorder.Inoticedher

physicalappearanceeachdayandwonderedabouther.Irecallhercertaintyandherquiet

manner.Itrustedshewouldspeakintime,whichshedid,andtherewasthesurprise.

Ontheseconddayofthetraining,Ihadbegunspeakingtothegivenoffinitudeand

howeachofuscarrythefactofourdeath.Sheraisedherhandandsaidwithcertaintythat

shehadcancerandmightbedeadinafewmonths.Shecontinuedtosharethatshewas

makingthebestofeachmoment,whichincludedlookingherbestandbeingashonestas

possibleinallrelationships.Sheactuallyfeltgratefultohercancerforherpresentdepthof

appreciationinlivingeachmoment.

IsharedthroughmytranslatorhowdeeplymovedIwasbyherhonestyand

courage.SinceIdonotspeakRussian,Ireliedonmyintuitivesensetoconnectwith

herandtheparticipantsatthisvulnerablemoment.Iwassensitivetothedepthofher

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sharing,lookingcloselyintohereyesandgentlymovingmyeyestoeachparticipant.

Thecaringfromparticipantswaspalpableintheroom.Someeyesweremoistened

andallwereobviouslymoved.

Iinvitedtheparticipantstosharetheirfeelingswithheriftheyfeltmovedtodo

so.Oneoftheparticipantswhoknewherandherhealthcrisisspokewithgreatdepth

ofappreciation.First,shethankedherforherhonestywiththegroupabouther

health.Thenwithgreatemotionshesharedhowimportantshewastoherindeciding

tostopcomplainingaboutherlifeandbeginappreciatingherlife.Bywatchingher

friendfacehercancerwithdignity,shehadgainedanewlife.Othersfollowedwith

storiesthatweremoving,andthegroupdrewcloser.

Theexperienceofsharingalife-threateningillnesswithagroupispowerfulno

matterwhatcountryorcircumstance.Inthisteachingsituation,thestudents

immediatelyexperiencedtheconnectionofsharingthepossibilityofanindividual

death.Inteachingthereis“talkabout”asubjectanda“livedexperience”ofateaching.

Thisexperiencetookplacemanyyearsago,andIdonotknowifthisparticipantlived

ordied.Idoknowthathervulnerabilitybroughtthegroupintoanimmediatedepth

ofauthenticitythatIhadseeninmanyothergroupsinmanyotherlocations.Thefact

ofherpossibledeathandwhatshechoseinfacingherdeathwasahugepieceof

globalauthenticity.Thepossibilityofherdeathbroughtuseachintotherealityof

death.Evennow,eightyearslater,Icanstillseeherinmymindandholdthis

experienceclosetomybeing.Thecouragetoshareherconfrontationwithherown

deathwithme,whomshedidnotknow,andwithotherswhoweremostlystrangers

toher,hasbeenengravedonmyheart.

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Teachingindifferentcountriescanbeenrichedbybeingapartofdifferent

students’andtherapists’journeysinlearning.WhenIcompleteatrainingandwave

good-byetomycolleaguesattheairport,Iturntomyself.Iamsurroundedbyother

travelers,butIsitalone.Ilookouttheairplanewindowrememberingalltheshared

momentsofhonesty,vulnerability,andcourage.Imayormaynoteverseethese

individualsagain.Thereisasharpalonenesstothesemoments,whichIrecognize.

I,alongwitheveryoneelse,ultimatelyarriveinthisworldaloneandleavealone.

Lifeiswithothers,yeteachofusisultimatelyalone.Thisparadoxofbeingapartof

andapartfromfollowseachofusnomatterwherewelive(Heery,2001).

HumptyDumptyandTimeOut

HumptyDumptysatonawall,

HumptyDumptyhadagreatfall.

Alltheking’shorsesandalltheking’smen

Couldn’tputHumptytogetheragain.(classicnurseryrhyme)

MotherNaturehasgiventheworldCOVID-19andputusintime-outthroughrequired

socialdistancing.Isolationandlonelinessarerampant.Inthisprocessweareseeingmany

HumptyDumptiesfallingoffwallswithnokingorking’shorsesorking’smenputting

Humptytogetheragain.

Weareseeingcountlessphysicalandfinancialdeaths.Theworldisinanexistential

crisiswiththemainresourceforhelpbeingourselves.Thereisnoneedtoturntoaking

anywhere,butrathertoourselvestosearchcloselythebehaviorsthatimpactthelivesof

others.Bychoosingtowearamask,wecanactuallyprotectsomeonefrompossibledeath.

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Howamazingtoknowwecandothis!PerhapsthebrokenHumptyDumptycanbeputback

togetherbyourconsciouscaring.

Manyyearsagoinmyprivatepractice,Isawamotherwhosedaughterhadbeen

murdered.Whatcananytherapistsayordoinsuchatragedy?Igavehermyheartfullof

care,compassionandlove.Yes,Isayloveinpsychotherapy.TheloveIhadforthiswoman’s

sufferinginfusedherwithhope.Oncesheaskedme:

“Doyouhaveachild?”

“Yes,Ido.”

“Icouldfeelyoudidbythewayyoulookatmewith,whatshallIsay,love?”

“Yes,itislove.”

“Ihopethisneverhappenstoyou.”

“Ifitdoes,Iwillcomeseeyou.”

Tearsmovedslowlydownourcheeksaswegazedwithlovedeepintoeachother’s

motherlyeyes.

TomorrowisMother’sDay2020.Iwillrememberthismotherandhowmuchour

loving,therapeuticrelationshipsupportedherinbecomingmorethansheorIever

expected.Shelaterstartedanon-profitforchildrenfromtheinnercityandorganizedmany

actsofservice.HumptyDumptydidgetbroken,butthepartswereputbacktogether

throughactsofserviceandkindnesstoothers.

Isaytopresentandbecomingexistential-humanistictherapists,donotunderestimate

thehealingpowerofloveandcompassion.

19

AndtoMotherNatureIsay,Iamlisteningwithmyheart.Iwillcomeoutofthis

shelteringtoanewnormal,knowingmyactionsremaintruetothecompletewellnessof

theearthandallbeingswhodwelluponit.

20

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