2
Iknowwhatyouwant.Youwantastorythatwon'tsurpriseyou.Thatwill
confirmwhatyoualreadyknow.Thatwon'tmakeyouseehigherorfurtheror
differently.Youwantaflatstory.Animmobilestory.Youwantdry,yeastless
factuality.LifeofPi,(Martel,2001,p.302)
Theobjectiveworldcanbedry,yeastlessfactuality.SuchasIamwriting,which
involvesmyfingerstouchinglettersonthekeyboardofacomputer,andinabroaderview
oftheobjectivereality,itisaspringdayinCaliforniaintheyear2020.Iamnowsheltering-
in-placealongwithallCaliforniansduetotheCOVID-19pandemic.Howisthisobjective
realityaffectingme?
MyisolationduetoCOVID-19isbringingmysubjectiverealityintosharpfocusonmy
wholelifeandmyexistentialquestionsaboutlivinganddying.Isitinsilencetotouchmy
feelingsandfindthewordstoexpressthesefeelings.Itabsolutelysuckswatchingthenews
onTVandlearningthatthousandsofpeoplearedyingeverydayallovertheworldfrom
thisvirus.NooneIknowpersonallyhasdiedyet,butIamsureIwillknowsomeonesoon
enough.AndIcouldbeoneofthosewhodies.Atage73,Iampartofthemorevulnerable
olderpopulation,andmychancesofdyingaregreaterifIshouldcontractthevirus.
Thisrealityisharsh,yetparadoxicallycomfortingtoknowthateveryoneonthe
planetisgoingthroughthisexperiencetogether.Isharethisimmediatefocuswithyou,the
reader,tobringyouintomyactualmomentasIwrite.Asyoureadthesewords,partof
yourobjectiverealityisthatyouareholdingabookandreadingitorlisteningtothisbook
onanauditorydevice.Partofyoursubjectiverealityisthatwhatyouarereadingor
listeningtoisstirringfeelings,impressions,images,andotherunknowndimensionsof
yoursubjectiveworld.Theobjectiveworldtouchesusharshly,humorously,sweetlyinso
manyways—andstirsupoursubjectiveworld.
3
Theinnerworldofeachpersonisimmense,perhapslargerthanwilleverbe
consciouslyknowntoyourselfortoothers.Thisvastunknownterritoryisthelandscape
throughwhichIaccompanymyclientsontheirpsychotherapeuticjourneys.Totalkabout
meoraclientistomakemeortheclientanobjectofobservation,ofspeculation,orof
report.Humanobjectsarenottobeconfusedwithhumansubjects.Theveryfactofhuman
subjectivityisthemostdistinguishingandsalientfeatureofhumanlife(Bugental,1999).
Wehavetheparadoxofthehumanassimultaneouslybeingbothsubjectandobject.This
paradoxicaldistinctioniscrucialandisattherootofexistential-humanisticpsychotherapy.
Thus,thisrecognitionoflimitation—whichIamnowwritingaboutandyouarenow
readingaboutorlisteningto—appliestowhatIamsayingrightnow.
Whatdoweholdwhenourlivesarethreatened?Whatisthemeaningofliving?What
doweholdtobetrueaswepassthroughgreathardships?Thesequestionsandmoreare
criticaltomeintheseheightened,unpredictablemoments.Icontemplatethesequestions
inthefollowingpagesandinviteyoutoaccompanymeonmyobjectiveandsubjective
journeyinbecomingandbeing,firstandforemost,anexistential-humanisticperson,and
second,insharingthegreathonorofaccompanyingothersontheirsacredjourneyofbeing,
belongingandbecomingthroughpsychotherapy.
HonoringGrannieWisdom
IhavenocluewhatmyGranniewouldsayordoifshelivedinthesetimesof
thousandsofpeopledyingfromavirus.ShelivedthroughtheSpanishflupandemic,World
WarI,theGreatDepression,WorldWarII,andthepolioepidemic.ThesetragediesIknow
contributedimmenselytowhoshebecame.
4
MyGranniewastiny,maybefivefeettall,withpiercingblueeyesthatseemedfrom
myperspectivetoseerightintomysoul.Inotherwords,noliestoGrannie!Shecrocheteda
lot.Iwouldsitatherfeetandstareatherfingersquicklymovingthethinthreadswitha
tinyneedleinandout,formingthemostbeautifulplacemats,hats,gloves,andevenhuge
tablecloths.Thethreadwaseitherpurewhiteorlightbrown.Whethershechoseonecolor
overtheotherdependedonwhoshewasgivingtheitemtoandforwhatuse.Whenshe
woulddropastitchandgobackandpickitup,Iwouldlookcloselyathowshemadethe
correction.Shequicklypickedthestitchup,movingherfingersandneedlebacktothe
droppedstitch.
Thoseblueeyesneverstrayedfromtheworkofherfingers.Themistakeswere
quicklycorrectedwitheaseandsometimeswhilehumminganoldgospelhymn.She
showedmehowtobepatient,howtocorrectmistakes,andhowtoletgo.Sittingatherfeet,
watchingherhandsworking,andrarelytalkingwasthesettingforthemore-than-weekly
lessonsbuildingthefoundationofwhoIbecame.Whenshedidspeak,itwasprofound.I
rememberaskingGranniewhatwerethosefunnypurplethingspeekingthroughtheskin
onherhands.
“Child,thoseareveinsthegoodLordshowstousaswegrowolder,remindingusthat
ourtimehereislimited.”
“WhenwilltheLordshowveinsonmyhands?”
“Intime,littleone,intime.Don’tworryyourself;ithappenstoeveryone.”
“Whatdoesitmeanthattimeislimited,Grannie?”
“NowthatisabigsubjectIwillanswerwhenyouareolder.Fornow,remembertouse
yourwonderfulgigglenomatterwhathappens.Promiseme?”
5
“Ipromise,Grannie.”
Weneverhadthattalkabouttimebeinglimited.Insteadshewouldtellmeregularly,
“Remembertogiggle,becauseyouwillneedit.”
ThepowerofGranniewisdomcomesasagreatbalancewiththetragediesI,along
withmillionsofothers,arelivingthroughwithCOVID-19.Shewasright,laughingattimes
helpsmetremendouslyrightnow.Nottodiminishtheimmenselossesbothphysicallyand
economically,buttoassistinbringinghopeintothemomentandthefuture.
Granniewasthefirstexistential-humanistIknew.Shewalkedhertalk.Iamsureshe
neverknewthetermexistential-humanistandwouldprobablylaughtoseethosewords
besidehername.
Iremembertheveinsonmygrandmother’shands,andIseetheveinsonmyown
handssteadilyshowingandmarkingtime.Myhandsarelikeafaithfuloldclock,reminding
medailythatIamagingandmorevulnerableemotionallyandphysically.AsIlookovermy
shoulderatmylife,Iseeitwitholdereyes,hopefullywithwiseeyessimilartomy
Grannie’s.
WhitePrivilege
IwasbornintoamiddleclasswhitefamilyinSavannah,Georgia,in1946.Myfather
wasJudgeoftheFamilyCourt.Anyonecouldcallhimathomeandtheydid.Therewereno
cellphones,andtheJudge’shomenumberwasinthephonebook,makinghimaneasy
contactforeveryone.Peoplecalledregularly,andassoonasIcouldreachthatphoneI
pleadedtoanswerit.Daddydidnotwanttotakethecourtcallsathomeandagreedtohave
mebasicallyappeasethecaller.Heinstructedmetotellwhoeverwascallingthathewould
6
talkwiththembyphonetomorrowathisoffice.Therewasthecaveatthatifthiswasan
emergency,theyshouldhangupandcall911forthepolice.
IwassoexcitedtoanswerthephoneusingthemostadultvoiceIcouldfindinmy
seven-year-oldbody.Iwouldsay,“Youneedtocallthepoliceifyouneedhelprightthis
minute,andyoucancallmyDaddyathisofficeinthemorning.”Iproudlygavethem
Daddy’sofficenumberandproceededtolimittheconversationandhangupthephone.
Butthepeoplecallingoftenwantedtotalk,andIwantedtolisten.Ofcourse,the
conversationwouldgoalittlelonger.Thesephoneexperiencestaughtmealotabout
peoplewhomIwouldotherwiseneverhaveknown.IwaswhiteandprivilegedintheSouth
intheearly1950s.Mostofthepeoplewhocalledwerewomenwhowerebeingmistreated
bytheirhusbands,physicallyand/orfinancially.Theyweredesperate,andtheywantedthe
Judgetoinstantlyfixtheirsituation.Iencouragedthemtocallthepoliceimmediatelyif
theywereinharm’sway.
Butwhatwasharm’sway?IneversawDaddyhitmyMomoreventhreatentodoso.
Manyofthewomencallingwerefrightenedknowingthatthemenintheirlivesmighthurt
them.Ihadmyeyesopenedtothedarksideoflifeandsawthepoweroflisteningand
referringthoseinneedimmediatelytosomeonewithmorepowerthanthisseven-year-old
girlhad.
OftenIwouldruntoDaddyafteracallandreportIhaddonemybestbylistening
carefully,andthentellingthemtocallthepolice.Daddyalwaysseemedcalminhis
reactionstomystories,reassuringmethepolicewouldhandlethesituation.Ihadlistened
todarknessbutwasalsoveryprotectedfromdarkness.Fromtheseshelteredroots,I
listenedandlearnedthatIwasprivileged—andwithprivilegecameresponsibility.
7
TheresponsibilityshowedupeverySundayafterchurch.Myfamilywouldwalkthe
hallsoftheMethodistHospital,whereDaddywaschairmanoftheboard.Daddywouldstop
andaskeachemployee—includingnurses,doctors,janitors,andcooks—howtheywere.
Wewouldeatlunchwiththeemployeesinthecafeteria.Yes,cafeteriafoodaccompaniedby
kindinquiryintothelivesofeachpersonwhomadethehospitalfunction.
Thismemoryremindsmeofawisesaying:“Theservicewerenderothersistherent
wepayforourroomonearth.”Theseweeklyhospitalvisitscreateddeepgratitudetomy
familyforhelpingmeunderstandtheexistentialfactthatwearesimultaneouslyinthe
processoflivinganddyingtogether.
Curiosity
Iwasaninnatelycuriouschild.Iconsistentlyaskedtheadultsinmylifeobvious
questions.Oftenthesequestionswereuncomfortablefortheadults,butthankfullyIwas
notpunishedforasking.IwouldnotsayIwasencouraged,butIkeptasking.
WehadanAfricanAmericanmaidnamedVangie,whoinadditiontocleaningour
home,washedandironedourclothes,oftenstayinglatetofinishherwork.Iremember
askingmyparentsatthedinnertable,“Whycan’tVangieeatwithus?”Mymother’sreply
wasalwaysthesametomanyofmyquestions,“Whenyouareolder,Iwilltellyou.”This
quickdialogueendedwithmepickingupmyplateandsaying,“Well,inthemeantime,Iam
goingdownstairstoeatmydinnerwithVangie.”
DownthestairsIwouldgowithmydinnerplateinhand.Noonefollowedme,but
ratherletmedomything.AsIsettledintoachairnexttoVangie,whowasironing,Iasked
her,“Whycan’tyoucomeupstairsandeatdinnerwithus?”Vangieneverlookedup,but
keptonironingandsaid,“Childwhenyouareolder,Iwillansweryou.”Wow,Momand
8
Vangiehavethesameboringanswer,soIamgoingtocomedownstairsandeatmydinner
nexttoVangieuntilIgetolder.Right?
Makessensedoesn’tit?Inachild’sworld,IdidnotwanttoleaveVangieoutand
actuallylovedbeingwithher.SomeeveningsIwouldeatmydinnernexttoVangiewhile
sheironedandothereveningsIwouldeatupstairswithmyfamily.Noonestoppedmeor
questionedme.Inretrospect,thiswasgrace!Attheironing/dinnersessionsIwouldask
Vangiemoreobviousquestions.
“Howcomeyourskincolorisdifferentthanmine?”
“ItjustisthewaytheLordmadeus,differentincolor.”
Ilearnedthatskincolormadeahugedifferenceinourlives.WhenIwouldsometimes
hopinthecarwithMomtotakeVangiehome,Isawmoredifferencesintheneighborhood
whereVangielived.Isawpovertythere,buttheparadoxwastherespectVangiemerited
fromherfamilyforbeingemployedintheJudge’shome.
Iwasinaweofthesedifferenceswithnoanswersfromtheadultsregardingthe
pronounceddisparity.Isooncametounderstandinjusticeandhowitworked,butnever
why.Imadeacommitmenttodosomethingaboutthisinjustice.Forme,thecolorofskin
didnotmatter;VangieandGranniemodeledformewisdomthroughcompassion,
tolerance,forgivenessandlove.
MartinLutherKing,Jr.
In1966,fifty-fouryearsago,IhadthegreathonortohearMartinLutherKing,Jr.
speakattheJohnsonC.SmithUniversity(JCSU)inCharlotte,NorthCarolina.Ialongwith
mywhitecollegeroommate,Leigh,weretheonlywhitepeopleintheaudience.Our
connectiontogetintothiseventwasafriendofourswhosemotherwasaprofessorat
9
JCSU.Wehadunbelievablygoodseatsinthethirdrowfromthefront.Therearemoments
inlifewhenyouknow,evenastheyarehappening,thatyourlifewillbeforeverchanged.
Thiswassuchamoment.Dr.KinglookeddirectlyatLeighandmeandaskedinhisvery
strong,clearvoice,“Whatareyoudoingwithyourlife?”Ithoughttomyself,“Iammaking
goodgradesincollege.AmIsupposedtobedoingsomethingelse?”Andagainhelooked
straightatusandasked,“Whatareyoudoingwithyourlife?”Histalkwentonaboutthe
preciousgiftoflifeandusingyourlimitedtimewell.ThenIrememberedwhatGranniesaid
whenIwasyounger:lifedoesn’tgoonforever.
Dr.Kingtalkedopenlyaboutthefacthewouldmostlikelybekilled,andsaidhewas
willingtodieforhiscommitmenttotheintegrationofAfricanAmericanpeople.My
thoughtswentalotdeepertohisquestion,whatwasIdoingwithmylife?Thisquestion
becamemymantraformanymonthsafterthatevent.Istartedlookingatendings,not
beginnings.CollegewouldbeoversoonandwhatwasIgoingtodo?Aprivilegedlifeof
travelinganddrinkingaftercollegemadenosensewhenIdaredtocontemplatemyown
death.MeetingDr.Kingwokemeuptotheimportanceofusingtimewithintentionand
commitment.
TwoyearslaterwhenIlearnedofDr.King’sdeath,Iwept.Imarched,satintheback
ofpublicbuses,wroteletters,andprotestedtheinjusticessufferedbyAfricanAmerican
peopleintheSouth.Istartedlivingfromtheinsideout,notfromtheoutsidein.Ibegan
followingamuchlargerguidancefrominsidewithcommitmenttomylivingwithintention
andcommitment.
10
IhadspentenoughtimeintheSouthtoknowIdidnotbelongthere.Ineededtofind
mypeople,mytribe.EventuallyIlefttheSouthandfoundmypeopleinnorthernCalifornia,
wheremanydoorsopenedforme.
TheShoeFits
Existential-humanisticpsychotherapyhasbeentheperfectfitwithmyrootsintaking
responsibilityformylifeandmypassionforsocialjustice.Iwasdrawntoapsychotherapy
careerwithcuriosityandloveoflisteningtopeoplewithtroublesveryearlyinmylife.
Istudiedmanymodelsofpsychotherapyingraduateschools,andmyresonancecame
withCarlRogers’sperson-centeredhumanisticwork(Rogers,1965).Thismodelgavemea
languageforwhatIhadexperiencedinmychildhood:empathy,unconditionalpositive
regard,andcongruence.IhadthehonorofmeetingRogersatameditationgatheringand
witnessedhimwalkinghistalkwitheveryone,includingme.
Iadmiredhiscongruenceandknewthat,ifItoowantedtowalkmytalk,Iwouldneed
toexperiencepsychotherapyasaclient.Ienteredpsychotherapywithahumanistic
psychologist,EleanorHamilton,Ph.D.ThoseyearsofinnerexplorationwithEleanorwere
transformativeandwouldtakeaverylongchaptertoshare.Individualpsychotherapyis
essentialtobecomingatherapist.Whowantstotakeacartomechanicswhowouldn’t
workontheirownvehicles?
Thecombiningofhumanismwithexistentialpracticehappenedatthedoctorallevel
ofmystudies,undertheunexpectedsupervisionofJimBugental,Ph.D.ThefirsttimeImet
JimBugentalwasinhissmallofficeinSantaRosa,California,intheearly1980s.Ihadno
ideawhothismanwas,butmyfriendandcolleague,AnnDreyfus,whohadintroducedme
toCarlRogers,saidJimwas“thebest.”JimwasverywillingtomeetwithmewhenItold
11
himIhadnotreadanythinghehadwritten.Ofcourse,Irememberedhisnamefrom
textbooksinrelationtoexistential-humanisticpsychology,butatthatpointinmycareer,I
wasmoreinterestedinhowfarIhadtodriveforanotherlegofsupervisionforbothclients
andmydoctoraldissertation.SantaRosawasclosetohome.
Wemet,andIpromisednottoreadanythingJimhadwrittenforoneyearwhile
hesupervisedmycases.Hewantedtotrainsomeonetofollowthesubjectivelifeof
theclientwithouttheuseoftheory.Ilikedtheideaofnoreadingverymuchandwas
fullofcuriosityabouthowJimfollowedaclient’ssubjectiveworld.Towardtheendof
theinterview,JimaskedifIhadanyquestions.Ihadbeendrawntoaphotoofaman
withawonderfulsmileonthewallbehindJim.SoIwentforwhatwas“real”forme,
whichIquicklylearnedwasofgreatvaluetoJim.
“Whoisthemaninthepicture?”,Iasked.Jimreachedbacktothephoto,pickedit
up,andtearsbegantomoistenhischeeks.“ThisisAlLasko,mybestfriend.Hedied
recently.”Jimlookedupfromthephotoandlookedintomyeyeswithapresencerich
withthetruthofwhattrulymattersinbeinghuman—humanrelationships.Iwas
experiencingauthenticityinthemoment.Thisishowhefollowedeveryone’s
subjectiveworld.Heliveditfullywithvulnerabilityandhonesty.
Jimtaughtmethroughtears,humor,storytelling,silence,intellectual
discussions,disagreements,writings,walks,lunches,andanyopportunityhecould
taketoquestion,toexplore,andtofollowhisinsatiablecuriosityaboutthesubjective
worldintheactualmoment.Caseconsultationwasnot“about”theclientbutrather
thelivedmomentofconsultation.Essentialtomyconsultationswaswhathappened
insideofmewhenIbroughttheclientintodiscussion.Forexample,Jiminvitedmeto
12
paceinhisofficewhenIsharedthatmyclientoftenpacedduringsessions.Thisclient
hadbeenlabeledschizophrenicformanyyears.AsIpacedinJim’soffice,Ifeltthe
isolationandfearofthislabelandtearsstreameddownmyface.Wordswerenot
needed.
Ireturnedtoseeingthisclientwithadepthofpresencetoheremotionalpain
thatwaswhatJimcalledmypoustoforourlongworktogether.Pousto,aGreekterm
meaningaplacetostand,inpsychotherapyisasteadyinnerstandwiththeclient
whileexploringthestrugglesofbeinghuman.
Thisexperienceofwalkinginanother’sshoeshappenedinsomanydifferent
formswithJim.Aftergroupconsultationswewouldoftengotolunch.Jimlikeda
certainrestaurantthatemployedawaitresshenicknamed“GiggleBox.”Shehadan
infectiouslaughandnomatterhowmanystruggleswehadlistenedtothatmorning
inconsultation,listeningtoGiggleBoxwasjustasimportanttous.Balancewas
alwaysimportant.
InhislateryearsJimlostalotofhismemory,buttookthelossasanopportunity
tolivefullywhathehadvaluedsodeeplyallofhislife—theactualmoment.Hislast
yearswerespentmostlywithhisamazingwifeElizabeth,enjoyingthebeautifulblue
heronintheirbackyard,softlypettinghisbeloveddog,Dickens,andsharingsomany
otherwonderfulmomentsofloveandjoy.
IstruckadealwithJimtowardtheendofhislife.Iftherewasalifeafterdeath,
hewouldsendmeamessagethatIcouldnotmistake.Aboutaweekafterhedied,I
waswaitinginmyofficeforaclientwhenaframedpicturesuddenlyfelloffthewall
andlandedatmyfeet.ItwasaposterfromanInternationalTranspersonalconference
13
withthewords“IndividualChoiceandUniversalResponsibility.”Ifoundtearswelling
upinmyeyes.Iwasnotsure,butitseemedtobethepromisedmessage.Beinga
stubbornstudent,Ihadtogetonemoremessage.Laterthatday,therewasaletterin
mymailboxfromalocalmortuarywiththefollowingmessage:“Youtoowilldieone
day!Todayandonlytodayyoucanpurchaseyourcremationfor50percentoff.”
Okay,Igotit.ThesewordsremindedmeofoneofJim’sfrequentphrases,
“pointingwithyourelbow,”whichheusedtoemphasizethenecessity,yetlimitation,
ofwordsinattemptingtodescribeone’ssubjectiveexperience.Thankyou,Jim,for
gentlyandhumorously“pointingwithyourelbow”tothetruth.Jim’steachingsare
aliveinme,andIdearlymisscallinghimtohear,“Hi,justaminute,letmeturnthe
musicdown.”(Heery,2011)
TheWrittenWord
ItwasveryimportanttoJimtogetthewrittenwordpublishedaboutexistential-
humanisticpsychotherapy.Onthattopic,Iandmanyofhisotherstudentspublished
frequently.Tomotivatemetowriteandpublish,heworkedavidlywithmywritingand
encouragedmetoreadavarietyofliteratureabouttheexistential,includingclassicsby
formativethinkerssuchasFrankl,May,Tillich,andYalom(seereferencelist).Iencourage
andoftenrequiremystudentstoreadandabsorbtheseinvaluableresources.
Jim’sencouragementincludedaskingmetocritiquehislastbook,PsychotherapyIsn’t
WhatYouThink(1999)priortopublication.Hefine-tunedmywritingbyco-authoring
threearticleswithme,startingin1999with“UnearthingtheMoment,”then“Listeningto
theListener:AnExistential-HumanisticApproachtoPsychotherapywith
Psychotherapists,”and“MeaningandTransformation”in2005.
14
Inthemeantime,Ipublishedonmyownandwithothercolleagues.Itookonadeeper
responsibilityin2013whenIstartedmyownpublishingcompany,TonglenPress.Ihave
publishedthreebooksandmorethan10articlesandchaptersinpsychologytextbooks
withotherpublishers.Andaddingspicetomymenu,IhaveinterviewedAlbertEllisonhis
methodofcognitivebehaviortherapy,bringingtolightsimilaritiesanddifferenceswiththe
existential-humanisticmodel(Heery,2000).
Tosupportmylifelongcommitmenttosocialjustice,in2002Ifoundedanon-profit
organization,theInternationalInstituteforHumanisticStudies(IIHS).TheInstituteoffers
trainingsforstudents,interns,andprofessionalsinexistential-humanisticpsychotherapy.
IIHSalsoprovidesscholarshipsforminoritystudentswhoareandwillbeserving
underprivilegedpopulationsaftertheycompletethetrainings.Theseven-year-oldMyrtle
whoansweredtheJudge’sphoneandheardfrighteningstories,created,asanadult,a
meanstohelpaddressthedarknessbyempoweringminoritiestohelpminorities.
Abookgrewoutofthetrainingswithacollectionofwritingsfromanumberof
studentsapplyingtheexistential-humanisticmodeltoavarietyofpopulations(Heery,
2014).IcarriedonJim’spassionforwritingandpublishingwithmyownstudents,using
theTonglenPressplatform.ThepublishingworkprogressedfurtherwhenIcompiled
AwakeningtoAgingwithmyneuropsychologistcolleagueGreggRichardson,Ph.D.—firstin
2009andasecondeditionin2015.Botheditionsreachedmanyreadersonthechallenges
ofaging—exploringdeathanddyingandmakingmeaningfromlossandgrief(Heery,2014
&2015).ThesubjectthatcalledtomeasachildatmyGrannie’sfeetfollowsmetothisday.
In2017,IfollowedinJim’sfootstepsandwashonoredasthefirstwomantoreceive
theRolloMayAwardforIndependentandOutstandingPursuitofNewFrontiersin
15
HumanisticPsychology—givenbyDivision32oftheAmericanPsychologicalAssociation.
Mynominationforthisawardwassubmittedbymyformerstudentandnowcolleague,
LouisHoffman,Ph.D.TheripplingoutofworkinspiredbyJimcontinueswithgreat
authenticityasweservethoseinneedwithcompassion,courage,hope,resilience,and
tolerance.
AuthenticityRemembered
AsIlookovermyshoulderatmyinternationalteachingexperiences,Iseefaces,
stories,tears,laughter,andsomuchmoreallweavingtogetherthegivensofthehuman
condition.Ifeelhumbledbythedepthofeachindividual’sstory,bytheirreachingdeep
insidethemselvesinfrontofprimarilystrangerstomakemeaningoftheirlives.
Irememberatall,well-dressedRussianwomanwhoattendedatrainingIledin
Russia.Thesuitsheworeeverydaywasthesameandinperfectorder.Inoticedher
physicalappearanceeachdayandwonderedabouther.Irecallhercertaintyandherquiet
manner.Itrustedshewouldspeakintime,whichshedid,andtherewasthesurprise.
Ontheseconddayofthetraining,Ihadbegunspeakingtothegivenoffinitudeand
howeachofuscarrythefactofourdeath.Sheraisedherhandandsaidwithcertaintythat
shehadcancerandmightbedeadinafewmonths.Shecontinuedtosharethatshewas
makingthebestofeachmoment,whichincludedlookingherbestandbeingashonestas
possibleinallrelationships.Sheactuallyfeltgratefultohercancerforherpresentdepthof
appreciationinlivingeachmoment.
IsharedthroughmytranslatorhowdeeplymovedIwasbyherhonestyand
courage.SinceIdonotspeakRussian,Ireliedonmyintuitivesensetoconnectwith
herandtheparticipantsatthisvulnerablemoment.Iwassensitivetothedepthofher
16
sharing,lookingcloselyintohereyesandgentlymovingmyeyestoeachparticipant.
Thecaringfromparticipantswaspalpableintheroom.Someeyesweremoistened
andallwereobviouslymoved.
Iinvitedtheparticipantstosharetheirfeelingswithheriftheyfeltmovedtodo
so.Oneoftheparticipantswhoknewherandherhealthcrisisspokewithgreatdepth
ofappreciation.First,shethankedherforherhonestywiththegroupabouther
health.Thenwithgreatemotionshesharedhowimportantshewastoherindeciding
tostopcomplainingaboutherlifeandbeginappreciatingherlife.Bywatchingher
friendfacehercancerwithdignity,shehadgainedanewlife.Othersfollowedwith
storiesthatweremoving,andthegroupdrewcloser.
Theexperienceofsharingalife-threateningillnesswithagroupispowerfulno
matterwhatcountryorcircumstance.Inthisteachingsituation,thestudents
immediatelyexperiencedtheconnectionofsharingthepossibilityofanindividual
death.Inteachingthereis“talkabout”asubjectanda“livedexperience”ofateaching.
Thisexperiencetookplacemanyyearsago,andIdonotknowifthisparticipantlived
ordied.Idoknowthathervulnerabilitybroughtthegroupintoanimmediatedepth
ofauthenticitythatIhadseeninmanyothergroupsinmanyotherlocations.Thefact
ofherpossibledeathandwhatshechoseinfacingherdeathwasahugepieceof
globalauthenticity.Thepossibilityofherdeathbroughtuseachintotherealityof
death.Evennow,eightyearslater,Icanstillseeherinmymindandholdthis
experienceclosetomybeing.Thecouragetoshareherconfrontationwithherown
deathwithme,whomshedidnotknow,andwithotherswhoweremostlystrangers
toher,hasbeenengravedonmyheart.
17
Teachingindifferentcountriescanbeenrichedbybeingapartofdifferent
students’andtherapists’journeysinlearning.WhenIcompleteatrainingandwave
good-byetomycolleaguesattheairport,Iturntomyself.Iamsurroundedbyother
travelers,butIsitalone.Ilookouttheairplanewindowrememberingalltheshared
momentsofhonesty,vulnerability,andcourage.Imayormaynoteverseethese
individualsagain.Thereisasharpalonenesstothesemoments,whichIrecognize.
I,alongwitheveryoneelse,ultimatelyarriveinthisworldaloneandleavealone.
Lifeiswithothers,yeteachofusisultimatelyalone.Thisparadoxofbeingapartof
andapartfromfollowseachofusnomatterwherewelive(Heery,2001).
HumptyDumptyandTimeOut
HumptyDumptysatonawall,
HumptyDumptyhadagreatfall.
Alltheking’shorsesandalltheking’smen
Couldn’tputHumptytogetheragain.(classicnurseryrhyme)
MotherNaturehasgiventheworldCOVID-19andputusintime-outthroughrequired
socialdistancing.Isolationandlonelinessarerampant.Inthisprocessweareseeingmany
HumptyDumptiesfallingoffwallswithnokingorking’shorsesorking’smenputting
Humptytogetheragain.
Weareseeingcountlessphysicalandfinancialdeaths.Theworldisinanexistential
crisiswiththemainresourceforhelpbeingourselves.Thereisnoneedtoturntoaking
anywhere,butrathertoourselvestosearchcloselythebehaviorsthatimpactthelivesof
others.Bychoosingtowearamask,wecanactuallyprotectsomeonefrompossibledeath.
18
Howamazingtoknowwecandothis!PerhapsthebrokenHumptyDumptycanbeputback
togetherbyourconsciouscaring.
Manyyearsagoinmyprivatepractice,Isawamotherwhosedaughterhadbeen
murdered.Whatcananytherapistsayordoinsuchatragedy?Igavehermyheartfullof
care,compassionandlove.Yes,Isayloveinpsychotherapy.TheloveIhadforthiswoman’s
sufferinginfusedherwithhope.Oncesheaskedme:
“Doyouhaveachild?”
“Yes,Ido.”
“Icouldfeelyoudidbythewayyoulookatmewith,whatshallIsay,love?”
“Yes,itislove.”
“Ihopethisneverhappenstoyou.”
“Ifitdoes,Iwillcomeseeyou.”
Tearsmovedslowlydownourcheeksaswegazedwithlovedeepintoeachother’s
motherlyeyes.
TomorrowisMother’sDay2020.Iwillrememberthismotherandhowmuchour
loving,therapeuticrelationshipsupportedherinbecomingmorethansheorIever
expected.Shelaterstartedanon-profitforchildrenfromtheinnercityandorganizedmany
actsofservice.HumptyDumptydidgetbroken,butthepartswereputbacktogether
throughactsofserviceandkindnesstoothers.
Isaytopresentandbecomingexistential-humanistictherapists,donotunderestimate
thehealingpowerofloveandcompassion.
19
AndtoMotherNatureIsay,Iamlisteningwithmyheart.Iwillcomeoutofthis
shelteringtoanewnormal,knowingmyactionsremaintruetothecompletewellnessof
theearthandallbeingswhodwelluponit.
20
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