Post on 14-Mar-2023
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These are the foundations, the main concept of the Sound Relationship House.
Building Love Maps involves being interested and curious in your partner and making
a “road map” of their psychological world.
What do you find exciting in life right now?
What aspect of your life is most fulfilling now?
What aspect of your life is most stressful now?
What adventures would you like to have before you die?
What is one way you would like to change?
The critical skill required is asking open ended questions
You can change the course of your relationship by simply shifting
from statements to open ended questions
Level 1: Build Love Maps
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Loving
Sensitive
Brave
Intelligent
Thoughtful
Generous
Loyal
Truthful
Strong
Energetic
Sexy
Creative
Imaginative
Fun
Attractive
Interesting
Supportive
Funny
Considerate
Affectionate
Organized
Resourceful
Athletic
Cheerful
Coordinated
Graceful
Gracious
Playful
Caring
A great friend
Exciting
Thrifty
Full of plans
Shy
Vulnerable
Committed
Involved
Expressive
Active
Careful
Reserved
Adventurous
Receptive
Reliable
Responsible
Dependable
Nurturing
Warm
Kind
Gentle
Practical
Witty
Relaxed
Beautiful
Handsome
Rich
Calm
Lively
A great partner
A great parent
Assertive
Protective
Sweet
Tender
Powerful
Flexible
Understanding
Totally silly
Level 2: Sharing Fondness and Admiration
This level is all about building a culture of appreciation, fondness, affection and respect. The more you
notice the many ways your partner contributes to your life, the more satisfied you will feel in your
relationship.
Choose three characteristics from the list below that describe your partner.
For each item you choose, think about an incident when your partner displayed this characteristic and it pleased you. Jot down some notes about this incident. Take turns sharing these with your partner.
1. Characteristic: Incident:
2. Characteristic: Incident:
3. Characteristic: Incident:
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Level 3: Turn Towards Instead of Away
The research shows that people make what Gottman calls ‘bids’ for connection. They are often small things like making conversation, showing humour/affection/support/empathy and so on When someone makes a bid, we can choose to:
• Respond to them - ‘turn towards’ • Ignore the bid - ‘turn away’
• or ‘turn against’.
Love Languages: 1.
2. 3. 4. 5.
My primary love language is ______________________________________________________ My partners love language is ______________________________________________________ Tank of Wellbeing:
I feel that my tank is being filled when…
Ways I can contribute to our couple tank of wellbeing are…
If you want to build a deeper emotional connection with somebody, acknowledge how they ‘bid’ for connection and ‘turn toward’ that person as often as possible.
Gottman & Gottman, 2006: 116 - 117
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Acts of Service For these people, actions speak louder than words
Anything you do to ease the burden of
responsibilities weighing on an ‘Acts of Service’
person will speak volumes: cook dinner for them,
take on one of their jobs from time to time, notice if
they are tired and take over for them.
The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let
me do that for you.”
Broken commitments and making more work
for them, tell speakers of this love language that
their feelings don’t matter.
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Gifts For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a
gift.
The receiver of gifts thrives on the love,
thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift.
If you speak this language, the perfect gift
or gesture shows that you are known, you are
cared for and you are prized above whatever
was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty
thoughtless gift would be disastrous - so would
the absence of everyday gestures
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Words of Affirmation
This love language uses words to affirm other people
Hearing the words “I love you,” are important -
hearing the reasons behind that love sends your
spirits sky high.
This may come in many different forms: love
notes, text messages, phone calls, or in person and
can be expressed with many different words:
you’re awesome, I’m so proud of you, you look so
sexy, you do that so well.
Insults can leave you shattered and are not
easily forgotten.
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Physical Touch To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands and
thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face –
are all ways to show excitement, concern, care, and
love.
Having a partner who is physically present and
available is crucial.
Neglect or physical abuse can be unforgivable
and destructive.
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Quality Time This love language is all about giving the other person your
undivided attention
Nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided
attention.
Really being there for this type of person,
with the TV off, knife and fork down and all the
chores on standby – will make them feel truly
special and loved.
Distractions, postponed dates or failure to
listen can be especially hurtful.
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Level 4: The Positive Perspective
In relationships, you need a habit of mind that scans the world for things to appreciate, rather than things to criticize”
(John Gottman)
Gratitude: Some things I feel grateful for are…
Repair attempts:
One way to shift back to taking the positive perspective, is to use and accept what Gottman calls “repair attempts”.
These are any efforts that you make to de-escalate tension. Opportunities to make a repair attempt occur
naturally in conversations. It might come in the form of an apology, a smile, or a bit of humor that breaks the
tension.
You might say: “May I take that back?” Or “Let me try again”, or “I’m sorry I spoke so harshly”.
It may be a request: “Please be gentler with me”, or “please help me calm down”.
Each attempt you make to stop a fight and re-connect with your partner sends a powerful message.
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Level 5: Manage Conflict
Conflict Quiz
In a fight with your partner, do you……….
See red, and respond without thinking
Shriek, shout
Say critical things about your partner’s personality and character
Make sure they know it’s all their fault!
Bring up unrelated topics, from ages ago
Argue and counter attack
Call your partner names
Swear at them
Use labels like, you’re hopeless, ridiculous, so unattractive when you’re angry….
Use hostile humour
Say things like ‘just like a man’, ‘you’re just like your mother’
Make faces at them, or, behind their back
Give your partner all the reasons why you’re right
Make excuses for yourself
Morally defend yourself
Respond with righteous indignation!
Play the victim
Say things like ‘it’s not my fault, you can’t talk, look at what you do’
Not listen to them
‘Head for the shed’
Emotionally tune out, close down
Do whatever it takes to hide that you are feeling overwhelmed
Based on the work of Dr John Gottman
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Manage Conflict
Four Horsemen and…. the antidote:
1. Criticism Discuss specific behaviour
& Harsh Start-ups Softened start-ups:
“I feel…when you…and what I’d like to happen is…”
2. Contempt Fondness and admiration (first 4 levels)
Repair attempts
3. Defensiveness Taking responsibility
4. Stonewalling Self-soothing - Mindfulness
What helps you to calm down?
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
What else could you try?
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
For information about respectful relationships try
www.theline.org.au, or phone 1800MYLINE (1800 695 463)
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Level 6: Making Life Dreams Come True
Level 7: Create Shared Meaning
This step is about creating the necessary conditions for each of you to be able to honor one and others
life dreams. It takes ‘love maps’ to a deeper level, involving the past and present as well as your hopes
and dreams for the future. It’s about getting to the core of who your partner is, what they value and
what they want to see demonstrated in their relationship and life.
Think about the rituals of connection you and your partner already have:
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Are there any rituals you would like to add to your lives?
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Important points to remember 1. Make Love Maps of your partner’s world and update them regularly. Learn one another’s daily
schedule, remember special events and ask open ended questions.
2. Develop a Fondness and Admiration system. Show affection in your relationship, treat your
partner with respect and show appreciation. Tell your partner what you appreciate…it helps your
relationship far more when you voice these thoughts.
3. Turn Towards your partner. When a bid is expressed, it symbolizes a need for connection.
Acknowledge the bid and make the sender feel as if they were heard.
4. Develop a Positive Perspective in your relationship. Stop looking for negatives. Remember,
when couples are unhappy, they see only 50% of the positive things that their partners are doing.
5. Work on the way you Manage Conflict in your relationship. Use softened startups and repair the
interaction. Don’t ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen.
6. Accept Influence. When you have a miscommunication or disagreement remember there are
two sides to the story. Both realities are right. Understand your partner’s feelings and position
in the discussion.
7. Practice Self-Soothing.
8. Talk about your Dreams and Aspirations. Be supportive of one another’s aspirations.
Understanding one another’s dreams will lead to a stronger emotional connection between the
two of you.
(Adapted from Gottman 2000-2010)
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Who do I want to be in this relationship?
What sort of personal qualities do I want to bring into play in my relationship?
What character strengths do I wish to develop?
How do I want to behave or act on an ongoing basis?
What do I want to stand for as a partner?
Russ Harris & Natalie Glaser, MAREAA, August 2011