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Sound Relationships

Family Support Program

34 Peel St Nth, Ballarat, Vic 3350

Phone: 03 5327 7960

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These are the foundations, the main concept of the Sound Relationship House.

Building Love Maps involves being interested and curious in your partner and making

a “road map” of their psychological world.

What do you find exciting in life right now?

What aspect of your life is most fulfilling now?

What aspect of your life is most stressful now?

What adventures would you like to have before you die?

What is one way you would like to change?

The critical skill required is asking open ended questions

You can change the course of your relationship by simply shifting

from statements to open ended questions

Level 1: Build Love Maps

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Loving

Sensitive

Brave

Intelligent

Thoughtful

Generous

Loyal

Truthful

Strong

Energetic

Sexy

Creative

Imaginative

Fun

Attractive

Interesting

Supportive

Funny

Considerate

Affectionate

Organized

Resourceful

Athletic

Cheerful

Coordinated

Graceful

Gracious

Playful

Caring

A great friend

Exciting

Thrifty

Full of plans

Shy

Vulnerable

Committed

Involved

Expressive

Active

Careful

Reserved

Adventurous

Receptive

Reliable

Responsible

Dependable

Nurturing

Warm

Kind

Gentle

Practical

Witty

Relaxed

Beautiful

Handsome

Rich

Calm

Lively

A great partner

A great parent

Assertive

Protective

Sweet

Tender

Powerful

Flexible

Understanding

Totally silly

Level 2: Sharing Fondness and Admiration

This level is all about building a culture of appreciation, fondness, affection and respect. The more you

notice the many ways your partner contributes to your life, the more satisfied you will feel in your

relationship.

Choose three characteristics from the list below that describe your partner.

For each item you choose, think about an incident when your partner displayed this characteristic and it pleased you. Jot down some notes about this incident. Take turns sharing these with your partner.

1. Characteristic: Incident:

2. Characteristic: Incident:

3. Characteristic: Incident:

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Level 3: Turn Towards Instead of Away

The research shows that people make what Gottman calls ‘bids’ for connection. They are often small things like making conversation, showing humour/affection/support/empathy and so on When someone makes a bid, we can choose to:

• Respond to them - ‘turn towards’ • Ignore the bid - ‘turn away’

• or ‘turn against’.

Love Languages: 1.

2. 3. 4. 5.

My primary love language is ______________________________________________________ My partners love language is ______________________________________________________ Tank of Wellbeing:

I feel that my tank is being filled when…

Ways I can contribute to our couple tank of wellbeing are…

If you want to build a deeper emotional connection with somebody, acknowledge how they ‘bid’ for connection and ‘turn toward’ that person as often as possible.

Gottman & Gottman, 2006: 116 - 117

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Acts of Service For these people, actions speak louder than words

Anything you do to ease the burden of

responsibilities weighing on an ‘Acts of Service’

person will speak volumes: cook dinner for them,

take on one of their jobs from time to time, notice if

they are tired and take over for them.

The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let

me do that for you.”

Broken commitments and making more work

for them, tell speakers of this love language that

their feelings don’t matter.

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Gifts For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a

gift.

The receiver of gifts thrives on the love,

thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift.

If you speak this language, the perfect gift

or gesture shows that you are known, you are

cared for and you are prized above whatever

was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.

A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty

thoughtless gift would be disastrous - so would

the absence of everyday gestures

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Words of Affirmation

This love language uses words to affirm other people

Hearing the words “I love you,” are important -

hearing the reasons behind that love sends your

spirits sky high.

This may come in many different forms: love

notes, text messages, phone calls, or in person and

can be expressed with many different words:

you’re awesome, I’m so proud of you, you look so

sexy, you do that so well.

Insults can leave you shattered and are not

easily forgotten.

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Physical Touch To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.

Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands and

thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face –

are all ways to show excitement, concern, care, and

love.

Having a partner who is physically present and

available is crucial.

Neglect or physical abuse can be unforgivable

and destructive.

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Quality Time This love language is all about giving the other person your

undivided attention

Nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided

attention.

Really being there for this type of person,

with the TV off, knife and fork down and all the

chores on standby – will make them feel truly

special and loved.

Distractions, postponed dates or failure to

listen can be especially hurtful.

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Level 4: The Positive Perspective

In relationships, you need a habit of mind that scans the world for things to appreciate, rather than things to criticize”

(John Gottman)

Gratitude: Some things I feel grateful for are…

Repair attempts:

One way to shift back to taking the positive perspective, is to use and accept what Gottman calls “repair attempts”.

These are any efforts that you make to de-escalate tension. Opportunities to make a repair attempt occur

naturally in conversations. It might come in the form of an apology, a smile, or a bit of humor that breaks the

tension.

You might say: “May I take that back?” Or “Let me try again”, or “I’m sorry I spoke so harshly”.

It may be a request: “Please be gentler with me”, or “please help me calm down”.

Each attempt you make to stop a fight and re-connect with your partner sends a powerful message.

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Level 5: Manage Conflict

Conflict Quiz

In a fight with your partner, do you……….

See red, and respond without thinking

Shriek, shout

Say critical things about your partner’s personality and character

Make sure they know it’s all their fault!

Bring up unrelated topics, from ages ago

Argue and counter attack

Call your partner names

Swear at them

Use labels like, you’re hopeless, ridiculous, so unattractive when you’re angry….

Use hostile humour

Say things like ‘just like a man’, ‘you’re just like your mother’

Make faces at them, or, behind their back

Give your partner all the reasons why you’re right

Make excuses for yourself

Morally defend yourself

Respond with righteous indignation!

Play the victim

Say things like ‘it’s not my fault, you can’t talk, look at what you do’

Not listen to them

‘Head for the shed’

Emotionally tune out, close down

Do whatever it takes to hide that you are feeling overwhelmed

Based on the work of Dr John Gottman

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Manage Conflict

Four Horsemen and…. the antidote:

1. Criticism Discuss specific behaviour

& Harsh Start-ups Softened start-ups:

“I feel…when you…and what I’d like to happen is…”

2. Contempt Fondness and admiration (first 4 levels)

Repair attempts

3. Defensiveness Taking responsibility

4. Stonewalling Self-soothing - Mindfulness

What helps you to calm down?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

What else could you try?

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________

For information about respectful relationships try

www.theline.org.au, or phone 1800MYLINE (1800 695 463)

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Level 6: Making Life Dreams Come True

Level 7: Create Shared Meaning

This step is about creating the necessary conditions for each of you to be able to honor one and others

life dreams. It takes ‘love maps’ to a deeper level, involving the past and present as well as your hopes

and dreams for the future. It’s about getting to the core of who your partner is, what they value and

what they want to see demonstrated in their relationship and life.

Think about the rituals of connection you and your partner already have:

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________

Are there any rituals you would like to add to your lives?

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Important points to remember 1. Make Love Maps of your partner’s world and update them regularly. Learn one another’s daily

schedule, remember special events and ask open ended questions.

2. Develop a Fondness and Admiration system. Show affection in your relationship, treat your

partner with respect and show appreciation. Tell your partner what you appreciate…it helps your

relationship far more when you voice these thoughts.

3. Turn Towards your partner. When a bid is expressed, it symbolizes a need for connection.

Acknowledge the bid and make the sender feel as if they were heard.

4. Develop a Positive Perspective in your relationship. Stop looking for negatives. Remember,

when couples are unhappy, they see only 50% of the positive things that their partners are doing.

5. Work on the way you Manage Conflict in your relationship. Use softened startups and repair the

interaction. Don’t ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen.

6. Accept Influence. When you have a miscommunication or disagreement remember there are

two sides to the story. Both realities are right. Understand your partner’s feelings and position

in the discussion.

7. Practice Self-Soothing.

8. Talk about your Dreams and Aspirations. Be supportive of one another’s aspirations.

Understanding one another’s dreams will lead to a stronger emotional connection between the

two of you.

(Adapted from Gottman 2000-2010)

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Who do I want to be in this relationship?

What sort of personal qualities do I want to bring into play in my relationship?

What character strengths do I wish to develop?

How do I want to behave or act on an ongoing basis?

What do I want to stand for as a partner?

Russ Harris & Natalie Glaser, MAREAA, August 2011