Running head: STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 1
Strategies for Developing Personal & Relational Security
Justin Steckbauer
Liberty University
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 3
Abstract
A great deal has been written on the topic of healthy
relationship styles and damaged relationship styles. In
addition, a great deal has been written on personal security and
self esteem. However, few have examined the practical
application of change techniques for a client seeking to build a
secure personal and relational pattern. The paper examines the
problem of personal security from the perspective of a client
intending to make a concerted effort to move from a damaged sense
of personal security to a healthy style of personal and
relational security. The paper examines four relationship styles
described by Clinton & Sibcy (2006) in their work Why You Do the
Things You Do. Five personality styles presented in the Freedom
from Depression Workbook by Carter & Minirth are also briefly
examined. EMDR and Theophostic therapy are discussed as possible
means for growth in personal security. Spiritual disciplines are
examined with a focus on daily implementation. Another key issue
discussed is countering lies of the world with truth found in
scripture. Finally, twelve step groups and Celebrate Recovery
are examined for their usefulness in helping the client maintain
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 4
and build upon progress made on the journey to personal and
relational security.
Introduction
Jesus Christ, during his time on Earth was once asked, “What
is the greatest commandment?” (Mark 12:28 English Standard
Version). His response was very powerful: “29 “The most
important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The
Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all
your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with
all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as
yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark
12:29-31). From the mouth of the blessed Lord Jesus Christ
humanity discovers the very greatest imperative of life: a loving
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 5
relationship with God and equally loving relationships with other
people. Unfortunately for those who have developed poor personal
security and broken relationship styles, this can be a very
difficult proposition. Humanity lives in a world cursed by sin
and brokenness (Genesis 3:17-19). Therefore many do struggle
with past trauma, a shattered sense of self worth, and broken
patterns of relating to others. To obey the command of Jesus to
love God, people must know Jesus. In addition, if people are to
obey his second command: “Love your neighbor as yourself” they
must also love themselves. If a person can love Jesus, a person
can love God, if a person can love God, a person can love
himself, and they can also love others. Assuming someone has
been through trauma and hurts, and have developed broken
relationship styles, how do they fix those broken places and come
to a place of personal security and healthy relationship skills?
Some possible solutions would include: Understanding the
psychology of personal and relational security, Theophostic
therapy, EMDR treatment, development of spiritual disciplines,
confronting lies of the world with truth of the Bible, personal
study workbooks, and long term twelve step group attendance.
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 6
Personal & Relational Security Overview
What does it mean to be a secure individual? What does it
mean to be relationally secure? The two concepts are completely
interrelated, to the point that personal security and relational
security are simply two parts of the same issue. Personal
security is the internal structure of self esteem while the
secure relationship style is the logical outworking of a healthy
personal security. The terms will be used interchangeably for
the course of this paper. Every person has a relationship style
that is developed very early in life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.
13). Clinton & Sibcy (2006) in their book Why You Do the Things You
Do discuss four primary relationship styles: the secure style,
ambivalent style, avoidant style, and disorganized style.
The characteristics of a secure self are emotional strength,
a willingness to seek and accept comfort in times of trouble,
courage for love and intimacy, responsibility for self, and
overall courage (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61-65). Emotional
strength is described as an acceptance of emotions as a part of
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 7
life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). An emotionally strong
individual tends to accept challenges and take necessary risks,
while standing up for what they believe in (Clinton & Sibcy,
2006, p.61). The emotionally strong person feels emotions
deeply, yet does not fear emotions but accepts them as a healthy
sign of experiencing life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The
second characteristic of a secure person is seeking and accepting
comfort (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The secure individual
seeks comfort from within, from others, and from God in
reasonable balances (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). Turning to
God in prayer frequently is a sign of healthy behavior (Clinton &
Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The third characteristic of a secure person
is courage for love and intimacy (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.62).
Secure people are willing to step out and take the risk of loving
someone through all the hard work that takes (Clinton & Sibcy,
2006, p.62). The secure person is optimistic despite knowing
that life comes with much suffering (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006,
p.63). The secure person relies on God's plan for their life
during times of trouble (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63). The
fourth characteristic of a secure person is that they take full
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 8
responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their attitudes
(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63). The secure person actively looks
for solutions to problems as they come up, and if the problem
can't be avoided they look for ways to cope in a healthy way
(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63).
In stark contrast to the healthy relationship style are the
three unhealthy relationship styles: avoidant, ambivalent, and
disorganized (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). The avoidant style is
similar to the secure style in that the individual believes they
are worthy of receiving love, but only on the basis of success
and meeting goals (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant
style also believes they can find love, but they depend on their
own abilities to do so (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The
avoidant style believes others are incapable or unwilling to love
them (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant style believes
firmly that others are not trustworthy and are unreliable in
regard to meeting his or her needs (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.
67). The second insecure style is called the ambivalent
relationship style. The ambivalent style is characterized by a
belief that they are not worthy of love. They also believe they
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 9
cannot get the love they need from others. The ambivalent style
is typically quick to anger, clingy, and desperate (Clinton &
Sibcy, 2006, p. 87). They believe others are indeed trustworthy
and capable of meeting their needs, but fear abandonment and
their own flaws upsetting the relationships they have (Clinton &
Sibcy, 2006, p. 87). The disorganized relationship style is
characterized by a negative view of themselves and others. This
relationship style has characteristics of the secure, avoidant,
and ambivalent styles. One moment the disorganized individual
will be secure, the next clinging as the ambivalent style does,
and another moment or day showing classic avoidant style
tendencies (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 103). The disorganized
relationship style is often developed by an individual in a
highly abusive family, having endured physical, emotional, or
sexual abuse early in life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 107). For
those who can identify with the avoidant, ambivalent, or
disorganized relationship styles, there is a path to healing and
security.
Self Esteem
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 10
Ruth Ward in her book Self-Esteem: Gift from God (1984) writes
“Self-esteem is a little-understood abstract quality that
influences and controls our entire existence. Many people recoil
at the word, thinking it is egotistical and self-seeking.
Instead they prefer to demean themselves in an effort to avoid
being conceited, which only produces negative results.”
Christians in general have often recoiled at the term “self-
esteem” suggesting instead a total focus on Jesus Christ, and a
death to self (Mark 8:34-35). In the context of the scriptures,
death to self is putting aside selfish desires and seeking to
imitate the example of Christ in serving others (Mark 10:44-45).
However, Christ did not hate himself or talk poorly about himself
(John 14:6). He knew his identity in the heavenly Father, and as
a result lived with dignity, self-respect, and purpose (John
10:30, John 5:36, John 4:34). The example of Christ is the
perfect example for living and includes a sense of identity and
intrinsic worth, confidence in position, and eternal hope (1
Peter 2:9, 1 Corinthians 12:27, 1 John 3:1-3). Therefore it can
be reasoned that self-esteem is indeed a good thing, and a
biblical concept (Ward, 1984, p. 30). Self-esteem is developed
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 11
early in life, derived from parents, siblings, neighbors,
friends, self talk, and personal achievements (Ward, 1984, p.
30). The quality of such sources can be quite varied and cannot
be relied upon for long term stability (Ward, 1984, p. 30).
Therefore understanding God's provision for self-esteem is
absolutely vital to personal security. Ward (1984) describes
God's unique packaging of esteem as a “constant iron-clad
bottomless reservoir.” The characteristics of that provision
include God's approval, his personal attention, encouragement,
unique gifts, and a calling to good works (Ward, 1984, p. 30).
In understanding God's provision for the malady of relational
insecurity the recovering individual can proceed forward knowing
there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverb
18:24). The message of Ward's book Self-Esteem: Gift from God is one
of hope for the insecure and troubled believer, that God has made
each person unique with important gifts to contribute to the
family of Christ, introverted or extroverted, artistic or
rational; making the book an important tool for recovery from
insecurity.
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 12
Spiritual Disciplines
The journey of long term recovery from broken patterns of
relationship will ultimately fail without the dedicated practice
of spiritual disciplines (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). Ultimately
personal security is a journey like any other, and is contingent
on the daily practice of relationship with God and community with
believers. Relationship with God must be the primary source of
security for the recovering individual (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.
136).
The Bible has very clear things to say about the identity of
a person in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV) says “Therefore, if
anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed
away; behold, the new has come.” The first area of focus should
be the fact that the believer is a new creation, fundamentally
right and good before God. It would be a mistake for a person
looking to development a healthy relationship style to think of
him or herself as a broken sinner. For the believer, that was a
previous condition that is now gone, and the new has come
(Galatians 2:20). 1 Peter 2:9 ESV says “But you are a chosen
race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 13
possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who
called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” The
believer is royalty, cherished by God, and chosen to proclaim
truth. The believer is part of a holy family, a child of God and
has the privilege to call the architect of the universe: “Father”
(John 1:12). There are three very important fundamentals within
the scriptures regarding identity. The believer is a new
creation, therefore fundamentally good and right in Christ. That
is the foundation. Second, the believer is important and has
intrinsic value and a mission to live by truth. The third area
is that the believer is in relationship to others in the church
and to God the Father. All of this is made possible through
faith (Galatians 3:26). Of course these truths are difficult to
ingrain within a believer who has struggled with identity issues
from a young age. In addition, it's not enough to simply know
the truth, one must live the truth and practice it. God is the
safety net for the believer, and that truth must be known and
lived in daily life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 140).
The most common spiritual disciplines are Bible study,
prayer, worship, and fasting (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 141). Of
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 14
course they should be practiced daily. Searching the scriptures,
and studying them vigorously should be the practice of a believer
(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 142). Practicing solitude is also
very useful, shutting off the phone, laptop, and all electronics
and just sitting in quiet contemplation (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006,
p. 142). Another discipline is the practice of silence (Clinton
& Sibcy, 2006, p. 145). The noise of the day can keep believers
from realizing the realities that exist behind all the noise
(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 145). Other disciplines are helpful
such as confession of sins to other believers, admission of
powerlessness before God, and celebrating the blessings of Christ
Jesus (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 150). With the daily practice
of dedicated relationship to God the Father, and reliance upon
Jesus Christ the individual seeking to build a secure identity
may be assured of long term success.
Depression and Personality Disorders
Inevitably many of those who suffer with relationship
insecurity will also have struggles with depression. Carter and
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 15
Minirth (1995) in their Freedom from Depression Workbook describe a
practical process by which depression can be dealt with in a
healthy biblical manner. The workbook outlines twelve steps
arranged through twelve chapters helping the reader to identify
the depression, learn about the illness, commit to a path of
recovery, and implement positive attitudes to counter future
outbreaks of depression (Carter & Minirth, 1995). Of particular
interest are six personality disorders that relate to depression,
personal security, and relational security (Carter & Minirth,
1995, p. 161). The six personality types are: dependent,
obsessive-compulsive, histrionic, avoidant, narcissistic, and
borderline (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 183).
The dependent personality is characterized by a core desire
to please others (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 162). People in
this subgroup often work too hard to keep peace in a world where
conflicts are common. The dependent individual has a hard time
saying no, and often struggle with fear and guilt, as well as a
sense of being dominated by others.
The obsessive-compulsive personality is distinguished by a
desire for order and repetition (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166).
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 16
The obsessive-compulsive performs out of a sense of duty and
obligation, feeling a powerful need to complete a task, then move
on to the next (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166). The obsessive-
compulsive finds a sense of self-worth in the completion of
projects, while often hiding intense feelings of insecurity and
confusion (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166).
The histrionic personality is characterized by an intensity
of emotional expressiveness (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169).
The histrionic individual may often appear intense, dramatic, and
excitable (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169). They are
extroverted, people oriented individuals who feed off the
emotions of others (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169). The
histrionic personality feels a strong need for emotional
satisfaction and attention, and when others fail to meet those
needs they quickly become dejected and melancholy (Carter &
Minirth, 1995, p. 169).
The avoidant personality commonly seeks to avoid personal
involvement and works very hard to minimize their own
vulnerability (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173). The avoidant
person attempts to create a pain free comfort zone around
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 17
themselves in the hopes of evading uncomfortable emotional
attachments and high stress (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173).
The avoidant personality maintains only limited relationships
that are of the least possible commitment and possible threat
(Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173). The avoidant personality is
often quite frustrated internally and expresses that frustration
passive-aggressively through evasiveness, procrastination,
indecisiveness, and a lack of accountability (Carter & Minirth,
1995, p. 173).
The narcissistic personality is characterized by an
excessive self affection (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176). The
narcissist is quite self absorbed, and diligently seeks a life of
ease, pleasure, and comfort (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176).
This personality can seem quite friendly, but the narcissist
struggles with building deeper meaningful connections (Carter &
Minirth, 1995, p. 176). The narcissistic personality refuses to
acknowledge the struggles of life and is entirely pleasure
oriented (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176).
The borderline personality struggles with moodiness, out of
control emotions, clingy behavior, and intense fits of anger
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 18
(Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 179). According to Carter & Minirth
(1995) “The term borderline implies that they seem to teeter on the
brink of breakdown.” The borderline personality is characterized
by a strong fear of being alone (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 179).
The borderline personality struggles with a sense of identity
confusion and a disintegrated self-image (Carter & Minirth, 1995,
p. 179).
Carl Jung (1923) said “We cannot change anything unless we
accept it.” Self-knowledge is an important aspect of recovery
from broken relational and personal security. When one
understands their personality disorders they are more likely to
succeed in dealing with the underlying issues of personal and
relational insecurity.
Confronting Lies with Truth
The lies of the world can have a very damaging effect on
personal security. In his book The Lies We Believe (1989) Dr. Chris
Thurman describes how people often believe many lies about the
world and themselves, and as a result their relationships and
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 19
mental health suffer. Dr. Thurman uses the acronym TRUTH to
describe how lies, false beliefs about the world and self can
become ingrained in the mind (Thurman, 1995, p. 16). A trigger event
occurs leading to reckless thinking regarding the trigger event
(Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The reckless thinking leads to unhealthy
response (Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The second T refers to truthful
thinking, the practice of telling oneself the truth regarding a
given situation, to confront the lies and reckless thinking
(Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The H stands for healthy response and is a
result of the truthful thinking regarding the situation (Thurman,
1995, p. 16).
Dr. Thurman effectively approaches the issue of false
beliefs from the framework of developing the mind of Christ
(Thurman, 1995). In The Lies We Believe Workbook (1995) Thurman helps
the reader confront lies about self, the world, marriage, and
religion (Thurman, 1995). There are many workbooks available
from the perspective of Christian counseling that are very
helpful to those seeking personal recovery from issues like
anxiety, worry, depression, and anger available through Thomas
Nelson publishers and Meier Clinics. Though resources like The
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 20
Lies We Believe Workbook are very effective tools for growth in
personal security, additional help may be required.
EMDR & Theophostic Ministry
EMDR was initially developed in 1989 by Francine Shapiro to
help those suffering from PTSD (Cornine, 2013, p. 83). EMDR is
considered an empirically verified form of treatment for those
with PTSD, but it's also been applied to a myriad of other issues
including depression, trauma, and substance abuse (Cornine, 2013,
p. 83). EMDR is based on the presupposition that there are
physiological changes that take place in the brain when trauma
occurs, effectively freezing information in the mind that then
cannot be processed successfully by the client (Cornine 2013, p.
83). Recalling the memory or information then triggers a harsh
emotional response connected to the trauma (Cornine, 2013, p.
83). Through the use of bilateral eye movements or bilateral
stimulation through touch or sound, the emotional context of the
memory can be adjusted to a properly processed state (Cornine,
2013, p. 83). For those who struggle with personal insecurity
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 21
and broken relationship patterns, many of the underlying issues
may be based in painful memories that have never been properly
addressed (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). EMDR treatment should only be
conducted under the supervision and care of a trained medical
professional.
Theophostic therapy, or theophostic ministry can be
described as a technique quite similar to EMDR in it's effect on
the brain, though the approach is quite different (Entwistle,
2004, p. 26). Theophostic ministry is similar to Dr. Thurman's
The Lies we Believe in that theophostic ministry is about
accessing past memories embedded with a “lie” and with the help
of Christ replacing that lie with the truth (Entwistle, 2004, p.
26). The theophostic approach is about bringing to light things
in the dark that have hurts attached to them (Entwistle, 2004, p.
27). Through the guidance of a trained and certified
professional the individual can experience God's healing power in
past memories and false beliefs attached to those memories
(Entwistle, 2004, p. 27). Like EMDR, theophostic ministry should
only be conducted by trained lay counselors or trained
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 22
professional counselors in cooperation with the individual
seeking treatment.
Twelve Step Groups
Twelve step groups, through the use of spirituality, have
revolutionized client on client health care. Since the first
fellowship developed under the name Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939
hundreds of twelve step based fellowships have developed
(Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006). Other prominent fellowships
include: Gamblers anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters
Anonymous, and many others.
The twelve steps are designed to trigger a spiritual
awakening in the person who works them (Alcoholics Anonymous,
2006, p. 25). The individual working the steps admits to a state
of powerlessness over the issue they are facing, then comes to
believe that a spiritual power can help them (Alcoholics
Anonymous, 2006, p. 60). The individual offers their life to
serving their higher power, then completes a written inventory of
their life, later confessing it to a trusted friend or clergy
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 23
(Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 65). The individual then
requests that God remove his or her character defects, makes
amends to those he or she has harmed, and pursues prayer,
meditation, and helping others with similar ailments (Alcoholics
Anonymous, 2006, p. 59, 89). Having had a spiritual awakening as
the result of the program of action, the individual continues to
live by the principles of the twelve steps as a permanent “design
for living” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 28).
The twelve steps have been adapted successfully, not only
for alcoholism and addiction, but also for mental health support
(Emotions Anonymous - a 12 Step Anonymous Program). Rick Warren
and John Baker adapted a program called Celebrate Recovery using the
twelve steps, and eight principles based on the beatitudes
(Baker, 2014). According to Celebraterecovery.com “A wide
variety of hurts, hang ups and harmful behaviors are represented
at Celebrate Recovery. Examples include dependency on alcohol or
drugs, pornography, low self-esteem, need to control, depression,
anger, co-dependency, depression,fear of rejection, fear of
abandonment, perfectionism, broken relationships, and abuse.”
Celebrate Recovery could provide an excellent resource for those
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 24
struggling with identity and personal security issues.
Unfortunately Celebrate Recovery is not particularly widespread,
though it has served over 17,000 people at Saddleback church in
California and has programs in over 20,000 churches worldwide
(Celebrate Recovery). The resources for starting a Celebrate
Recovery group are also somewhat expensive, and the program
suffers from a lack of governing traditions and departs from the
tried and true methods of the various other successful anonymous
programs.
Another option for the individual seeking support and growth
in a group setting would be Emotions Anonymous (Emotions
Anonymous - a 12 Step Anonymous Program). According to
Emotionsanonymous.org “Our program has been known to work
miracles in the lives of many who suffer from problems as diverse
as depression, anger, broken or strained relationships, grief,
anxiety, low self-esteem, panic, abnormal fears, resentment,
jealousy, guilt, despair, fatigue, tension, boredom, loneliness,
withdrawal, obsessive and negative thinking, worry, compulsive
behavior and a variety of other emotional issues.” Though
consistent work with a counselor can be helpful, as well as
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 25
dedicated study and a strong support network, the power of weekly
meeting attendance is unparalleled. The creator of the twelve
steps, Bill Wilson came across the power of spirituality, and
adapted a practical program of action to help those with many
kinds of ailments to seek lifetime recovery (Alcoholics
Anonymous, 2006, p. 1).
Conclusion
Jeremiah 33:6 (ESV) says “Behold, I will bring to it health
and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of
prosperity and security. “ Jeremiah wrote in regard to the nation
of Israel and it's health and security and healing. Today all
can receive the same from God through his gift of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19 (ESV) says “And my God will supply every need of
yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Jesus
Christ provides restoration for those with even the most severe
relational and personal security problems (Psalm 41:3). There
are many powerful tools for recovery including personal study,
spiritual disciplines, professional counseling, and twelve step
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 26
support groups. An individual committed to a daily path of
healing and change can experience total healing through the power
of Jesus Christ (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006).
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 27
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