Christian Mental Health: Strategies for Developing Personal & Relational Security

Running head: STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 1

Strategies for Developing Personal & Relational Security

Justin Steckbauer

Liberty University

Running head: STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 2

STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING PERSONAL & RELATIONAL SECURITY 3

Abstract

A great deal has been written on the topic of healthy

relationship styles and damaged relationship styles. In

addition, a great deal has been written on personal security and

self esteem. However, few have examined the practical

application of change techniques for a client seeking to build a

secure personal and relational pattern. The paper examines the

problem of personal security from the perspective of a client

intending to make a concerted effort to move from a damaged sense

of personal security to a healthy style of personal and

relational security. The paper examines four relationship styles

described by Clinton & Sibcy (2006) in their work Why You Do the

Things You Do. Five personality styles presented in the Freedom

from Depression Workbook by Carter & Minirth are also briefly

examined. EMDR and Theophostic therapy are discussed as possible

means for growth in personal security. Spiritual disciplines are

examined with a focus on daily implementation. Another key issue

discussed is countering lies of the world with truth found in

scripture. Finally, twelve step groups and Celebrate Recovery

are examined for their usefulness in helping the client maintain


and build upon progress made on the journey to personal and

relational security.

Introduction

Jesus Christ, during his time on Earth was once asked, “What

is the greatest commandment?” (Mark 12:28 English Standard

Version). His response was very powerful: “29 “The most

important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The

Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all

your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with

all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as

yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark

12:29-31). From the mouth of the blessed Lord Jesus Christ

humanity discovers the very greatest imperative of life: a loving


relationship with God and equally loving relationships with other

people. Unfortunately for those who have developed poor personal

security and broken relationship styles, this can be a very

difficult proposition. Humanity lives in a world cursed by sin

and brokenness (Genesis 3:17-19). Therefore many do struggle

with past trauma, a shattered sense of self worth, and broken

patterns of relating to others. To obey the command of Jesus to

love God, people must know Jesus. In addition, if people are to

obey his second command: “Love your neighbor as yourself” they

must also love themselves. If a person can love Jesus, a person

can love God, if a person can love God, a person can love

himself, and they can also love others. Assuming someone has

been through trauma and hurts, and have developed broken

relationship styles, how do they fix those broken places and come

to a place of personal security and healthy relationship skills?

Some possible solutions would include: Understanding the

psychology of personal and relational security, Theophostic

therapy, EMDR treatment, development of spiritual disciplines,

confronting lies of the world with truth of the Bible, personal

study workbooks, and long term twelve step group attendance.


Personal & Relational Security Overview

What does it mean to be a secure individual? What does it

mean to be relationally secure? The two concepts are completely

interrelated, to the point that personal security and relational

security are simply two parts of the same issue. Personal

security is the internal structure of self esteem while the

secure relationship style is the logical outworking of a healthy

personal security. The terms will be used interchangeably for

the course of this paper. Every person has a relationship style

that is developed very early in life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.

13). Clinton & Sibcy (2006) in their book Why You Do the Things You

Do discuss four primary relationship styles: the secure style,

ambivalent style, avoidant style, and disorganized style.

The characteristics of a secure self are emotional strength,

a willingness to seek and accept comfort in times of trouble,

courage for love and intimacy, responsibility for self, and

overall courage (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61-65). Emotional

strength is described as an acceptance of emotions as a part of


life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). An emotionally strong

individual tends to accept challenges and take necessary risks,

while standing up for what they believe in (Clinton & Sibcy,

2006, p.61). The emotionally strong person feels emotions

deeply, yet does not fear emotions but accepts them as a healthy

sign of experiencing life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The

second characteristic of a secure person is seeking and accepting

comfort (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The secure individual

seeks comfort from within, from others, and from God in

reasonable balances (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.61). Turning to

God in prayer frequently is a sign of healthy behavior (Clinton &

Sibcy, 2006, p.61). The third characteristic of a secure person

is courage for love and intimacy (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.62).

Secure people are willing to step out and take the risk of loving

someone through all the hard work that takes (Clinton & Sibcy,

2006, p.62). The secure person is optimistic despite knowing

that life comes with much suffering (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006,

p.63). The secure person relies on God's plan for their life

during times of trouble (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63). The

fourth characteristic of a secure person is that they take full


responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their attitudes

(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63). The secure person actively looks

for solutions to problems as they come up, and if the problem

can't be avoided they look for ways to cope in a healthy way

(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.63).

In stark contrast to the healthy relationship style are the

three unhealthy relationship styles: avoidant, ambivalent, and

disorganized (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). The avoidant style is

similar to the secure style in that the individual believes they

are worthy of receiving love, but only on the basis of success

and meeting goals (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant

style also believes they can find love, but they depend on their

own abilities to do so (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The

avoidant style believes others are incapable or unwilling to love

them (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 67). The avoidant style believes

firmly that others are not trustworthy and are unreliable in

regard to meeting his or her needs (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.

67). The second insecure style is called the ambivalent

relationship style. The ambivalent style is characterized by a

belief that they are not worthy of love. They also believe they


cannot get the love they need from others. The ambivalent style

is typically quick to anger, clingy, and desperate (Clinton &

Sibcy, 2006, p. 87). They believe others are indeed trustworthy

and capable of meeting their needs, but fear abandonment and

their own flaws upsetting the relationships they have (Clinton &

Sibcy, 2006, p. 87). The disorganized relationship style is

characterized by a negative view of themselves and others. This

relationship style has characteristics of the secure, avoidant,

and ambivalent styles. One moment the disorganized individual

will be secure, the next clinging as the ambivalent style does,

and another moment or day showing classic avoidant style

tendencies (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 103). The disorganized

relationship style is often developed by an individual in a

highly abusive family, having endured physical, emotional, or

sexual abuse early in life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 107). For

those who can identify with the avoidant, ambivalent, or

disorganized relationship styles, there is a path to healing and

security.

Self Esteem


Ruth Ward in her book Self-Esteem: Gift from God (1984) writes

“Self-esteem is a little-understood abstract quality that

influences and controls our entire existence. Many people recoil

at the word, thinking it is egotistical and self-seeking.

Instead they prefer to demean themselves in an effort to avoid

being conceited, which only produces negative results.”

Christians in general have often recoiled at the term “self-

esteem” suggesting instead a total focus on Jesus Christ, and a

death to self (Mark 8:34-35). In the context of the scriptures,

death to self is putting aside selfish desires and seeking to

imitate the example of Christ in serving others (Mark 10:44-45).

However, Christ did not hate himself or talk poorly about himself

(John 14:6). He knew his identity in the heavenly Father, and as

a result lived with dignity, self-respect, and purpose (John

10:30, John 5:36, John 4:34). The example of Christ is the

perfect example for living and includes a sense of identity and

intrinsic worth, confidence in position, and eternal hope (1

Peter 2:9, 1 Corinthians 12:27, 1 John 3:1-3). Therefore it can

be reasoned that self-esteem is indeed a good thing, and a

biblical concept (Ward, 1984, p. 30). Self-esteem is developed


early in life, derived from parents, siblings, neighbors,

friends, self talk, and personal achievements (Ward, 1984, p.

30). The quality of such sources can be quite varied and cannot

be relied upon for long term stability (Ward, 1984, p. 30).

Therefore understanding God's provision for self-esteem is

absolutely vital to personal security. Ward (1984) describes

God's unique packaging of esteem as a “constant iron-clad

bottomless reservoir.” The characteristics of that provision

include God's approval, his personal attention, encouragement,

unique gifts, and a calling to good works (Ward, 1984, p. 30).

In understanding God's provision for the malady of relational

insecurity the recovering individual can proceed forward knowing

there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverb

18:24). The message of Ward's book Self-Esteem: Gift from God is one

of hope for the insecure and troubled believer, that God has made

each person unique with important gifts to contribute to the

family of Christ, introverted or extroverted, artistic or

rational; making the book an important tool for recovery from

insecurity.


Spiritual Disciplines

The journey of long term recovery from broken patterns of

relationship will ultimately fail without the dedicated practice

of spiritual disciplines (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). Ultimately

personal security is a journey like any other, and is contingent

on the daily practice of relationship with God and community with

believers. Relationship with God must be the primary source of

security for the recovering individual (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p.

136).

The Bible has very clear things to say about the identity of

a person in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV) says “Therefore, if

anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed

away; behold, the new has come.” The first area of focus should

be the fact that the believer is a new creation, fundamentally

right and good before God. It would be a mistake for a person

looking to development a healthy relationship style to think of

him or herself as a broken sinner. For the believer, that was a

previous condition that is now gone, and the new has come

(Galatians 2:20). 1 Peter 2:9 ESV says “But you are a chosen

race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own


possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who

called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” The

believer is royalty, cherished by God, and chosen to proclaim

truth. The believer is part of a holy family, a child of God and

has the privilege to call the architect of the universe: “Father”

(John 1:12). There are three very important fundamentals within

the scriptures regarding identity. The believer is a new

creation, therefore fundamentally good and right in Christ. That

is the foundation. Second, the believer is important and has

intrinsic value and a mission to live by truth. The third area

is that the believer is in relationship to others in the church

and to God the Father. All of this is made possible through

faith (Galatians 3:26). Of course these truths are difficult to

ingrain within a believer who has struggled with identity issues

from a young age. In addition, it's not enough to simply know

the truth, one must live the truth and practice it. God is the

safety net for the believer, and that truth must be known and

lived in daily life (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 140).

The most common spiritual disciplines are Bible study,

prayer, worship, and fasting (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 141). Of


course they should be practiced daily. Searching the scriptures,

and studying them vigorously should be the practice of a believer

(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 142). Practicing solitude is also

very useful, shutting off the phone, laptop, and all electronics

and just sitting in quiet contemplation (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006,

p. 142). Another discipline is the practice of silence (Clinton

& Sibcy, 2006, p. 145). The noise of the day can keep believers

from realizing the realities that exist behind all the noise

(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 145). Other disciplines are helpful

such as confession of sins to other believers, admission of

powerlessness before God, and celebrating the blessings of Christ

Jesus (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 150). With the daily practice

of dedicated relationship to God the Father, and reliance upon

Jesus Christ the individual seeking to build a secure identity

may be assured of long term success.

Depression and Personality Disorders

Inevitably many of those who suffer with relationship

insecurity will also have struggles with depression. Carter and


Minirth (1995) in their Freedom from Depression Workbook describe a

practical process by which depression can be dealt with in a

healthy biblical manner. The workbook outlines twelve steps

arranged through twelve chapters helping the reader to identify

the depression, learn about the illness, commit to a path of

recovery, and implement positive attitudes to counter future

outbreaks of depression (Carter & Minirth, 1995). Of particular

interest are six personality disorders that relate to depression,

personal security, and relational security (Carter & Minirth,

1995, p. 161). The six personality types are: dependent,

obsessive-compulsive, histrionic, avoidant, narcissistic, and

borderline (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 183).

The dependent personality is characterized by a core desire

to please others (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 162). People in

this subgroup often work too hard to keep peace in a world where

conflicts are common. The dependent individual has a hard time

saying no, and often struggle with fear and guilt, as well as a

sense of being dominated by others.

The obsessive-compulsive personality is distinguished by a

desire for order and repetition (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166).


The obsessive-compulsive performs out of a sense of duty and

obligation, feeling a powerful need to complete a task, then move

on to the next (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166). The obsessive-

compulsive finds a sense of self-worth in the completion of

projects, while often hiding intense feelings of insecurity and

confusion (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 166).

The histrionic personality is characterized by an intensity

of emotional expressiveness (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169).

The histrionic individual may often appear intense, dramatic, and

excitable (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169). They are

extroverted, people oriented individuals who feed off the

emotions of others (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 169). The

histrionic personality feels a strong need for emotional

satisfaction and attention, and when others fail to meet those

needs they quickly become dejected and melancholy (Carter &

Minirth, 1995, p. 169).

The avoidant personality commonly seeks to avoid personal

involvement and works very hard to minimize their own

vulnerability (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173). The avoidant

person attempts to create a pain free comfort zone around


themselves in the hopes of evading uncomfortable emotional

attachments and high stress (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173).

The avoidant personality maintains only limited relationships

that are of the least possible commitment and possible threat

(Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 173). The avoidant personality is

often quite frustrated internally and expresses that frustration

passive-aggressively through evasiveness, procrastination,

indecisiveness, and a lack of accountability (Carter & Minirth,

1995, p. 173).

The narcissistic personality is characterized by an

excessive self affection (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176). The

narcissist is quite self absorbed, and diligently seeks a life of

ease, pleasure, and comfort (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176).

This personality can seem quite friendly, but the narcissist

struggles with building deeper meaningful connections (Carter &

Minirth, 1995, p. 176). The narcissistic personality refuses to

acknowledge the struggles of life and is entirely pleasure

oriented (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 176).

The borderline personality struggles with moodiness, out of

control emotions, clingy behavior, and intense fits of anger


(Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 179). According to Carter & Minirth

(1995) “The term borderline implies that they seem to teeter on the

brink of breakdown.” The borderline personality is characterized

by a strong fear of being alone (Carter & Minirth, 1995, p. 179).

The borderline personality struggles with a sense of identity

confusion and a disintegrated self-image (Carter & Minirth, 1995,

p. 179).

Carl Jung (1923) said “We cannot change anything unless we

accept it.” Self-knowledge is an important aspect of recovery

from broken relational and personal security. When one

understands their personality disorders they are more likely to

succeed in dealing with the underlying issues of personal and

relational insecurity.

Confronting Lies with Truth

The lies of the world can have a very damaging effect on

personal security. In his book The Lies We Believe (1989) Dr. Chris

Thurman describes how people often believe many lies about the

world and themselves, and as a result their relationships and


mental health suffer. Dr. Thurman uses the acronym TRUTH to

describe how lies, false beliefs about the world and self can

become ingrained in the mind (Thurman, 1995, p. 16). A trigger event

occurs leading to reckless thinking regarding the trigger event

(Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The reckless thinking leads to unhealthy

response (Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The second T refers to truthful

thinking, the practice of telling oneself the truth regarding a

given situation, to confront the lies and reckless thinking

(Thurman, 1995, p. 16). The H stands for healthy response and is a

result of the truthful thinking regarding the situation (Thurman,

1995, p. 16).

Dr. Thurman effectively approaches the issue of false

beliefs from the framework of developing the mind of Christ

(Thurman, 1995). In The Lies We Believe Workbook (1995) Thurman helps

the reader confront lies about self, the world, marriage, and

religion (Thurman, 1995). There are many workbooks available

from the perspective of Christian counseling that are very

helpful to those seeking personal recovery from issues like

anxiety, worry, depression, and anger available through Thomas

Nelson publishers and Meier Clinics. Though resources like The


Lies We Believe Workbook are very effective tools for growth in

personal security, additional help may be required.

EMDR & Theophostic Ministry

EMDR was initially developed in 1989 by Francine Shapiro to

help those suffering from PTSD (Cornine, 2013, p. 83). EMDR is

considered an empirically verified form of treatment for those

with PTSD, but it's also been applied to a myriad of other issues

including depression, trauma, and substance abuse (Cornine, 2013,

p. 83). EMDR is based on the presupposition that there are

physiological changes that take place in the brain when trauma

occurs, effectively freezing information in the mind that then

cannot be processed successfully by the client (Cornine 2013, p.

83). Recalling the memory or information then triggers a harsh

emotional response connected to the trauma (Cornine, 2013, p.

83). Through the use of bilateral eye movements or bilateral

stimulation through touch or sound, the emotional context of the

memory can be adjusted to a properly processed state (Cornine,

2013, p. 83). For those who struggle with personal insecurity


and broken relationship patterns, many of the underlying issues

may be based in painful memories that have never been properly

addressed (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). EMDR treatment should only be

conducted under the supervision and care of a trained medical

professional.

Theophostic therapy, or theophostic ministry can be

described as a technique quite similar to EMDR in it's effect on

the brain, though the approach is quite different (Entwistle,

2004, p. 26). Theophostic ministry is similar to Dr. Thurman's

The Lies we Believe in that theophostic ministry is about

accessing past memories embedded with a “lie” and with the help

of Christ replacing that lie with the truth (Entwistle, 2004, p.

26). The theophostic approach is about bringing to light things

in the dark that have hurts attached to them (Entwistle, 2004, p.

27). Through the guidance of a trained and certified

professional the individual can experience God's healing power in

past memories and false beliefs attached to those memories

(Entwistle, 2004, p. 27). Like EMDR, theophostic ministry should

only be conducted by trained lay counselors or trained


professional counselors in cooperation with the individual

seeking treatment.

Twelve Step Groups

Twelve step groups, through the use of spirituality, have

revolutionized client on client health care. Since the first

fellowship developed under the name Alcoholics Anonymous in 1939

hundreds of twelve step based fellowships have developed

(Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006). Other prominent fellowships

include: Gamblers anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters

Anonymous, and many others.

The twelve steps are designed to trigger a spiritual

awakening in the person who works them (Alcoholics Anonymous,

2006, p. 25). The individual working the steps admits to a state

of powerlessness over the issue they are facing, then comes to

believe that a spiritual power can help them (Alcoholics

Anonymous, 2006, p. 60). The individual offers their life to

serving their higher power, then completes a written inventory of

their life, later confessing it to a trusted friend or clergy


(Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 65). The individual then

requests that God remove his or her character defects, makes

amends to those he or she has harmed, and pursues prayer,

meditation, and helping others with similar ailments (Alcoholics

Anonymous, 2006, p. 59, 89). Having had a spiritual awakening as

the result of the program of action, the individual continues to

live by the principles of the twelve steps as a permanent “design

for living” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2006, p. 28).

The twelve steps have been adapted successfully, not only

for alcoholism and addiction, but also for mental health support

(Emotions Anonymous - a 12 Step Anonymous Program). Rick Warren

and John Baker adapted a program called Celebrate Recovery using the

twelve steps, and eight principles based on the beatitudes

(Baker, 2014). According to Celebraterecovery.com “A wide

variety of hurts, hang ups and harmful behaviors are represented

at Celebrate Recovery. Examples include dependency on alcohol or

drugs, pornography, low self-esteem, need to control, depression,

anger, co-dependency, depression,fear of rejection, fear of

abandonment, perfectionism, broken relationships, and abuse.”

Celebrate Recovery could provide an excellent resource for those


struggling with identity and personal security issues.

Unfortunately Celebrate Recovery is not particularly widespread,

though it has served over 17,000 people at Saddleback church in

California and has programs in over 20,000 churches worldwide

(Celebrate Recovery). The resources for starting a Celebrate

Recovery group are also somewhat expensive, and the program

suffers from a lack of governing traditions and departs from the

tried and true methods of the various other successful anonymous

programs.

Another option for the individual seeking support and growth

in a group setting would be Emotions Anonymous (Emotions

Anonymous - a 12 Step Anonymous Program). According to

Emotionsanonymous.org “Our program has been known to work

miracles in the lives of many who suffer from problems as diverse

as depression, anger, broken or strained relationships, grief,

anxiety, low self-esteem, panic, abnormal fears, resentment,

jealousy, guilt, despair, fatigue, tension, boredom, loneliness,

withdrawal, obsessive and negative thinking, worry, compulsive

behavior and a variety of other emotional issues.” Though

consistent work with a counselor can be helpful, as well as


dedicated study and a strong support network, the power of weekly

meeting attendance is unparalleled. The creator of the twelve

steps, Bill Wilson came across the power of spirituality, and

adapted a practical program of action to help those with many

kinds of ailments to seek lifetime recovery (Alcoholics

Anonymous, 2006, p. 1).

Conclusion

Jeremiah 33:6 (ESV) says “Behold, I will bring to it health

and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of

prosperity and security. “ Jeremiah wrote in regard to the nation

of Israel and it's health and security and healing. Today all

can receive the same from God through his gift of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19 (ESV) says “And my God will supply every need of

yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Jesus

Christ provides restoration for those with even the most severe

relational and personal security problems (Psalm 41:3). There

are many powerful tools for recovery including personal study,

spiritual disciplines, professional counseling, and twelve step


support groups. An individual committed to a daily path of

healing and change can experience total healing through the power

of Jesus Christ (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006).


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Christian Mental Health: Strategies for Developing Personal & Relational Security

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