https://TheVirtualLibrary.org

TheUncommercialTravelerCharlesDickens

Illustrator:HarryFurnissandA.J.Goodman

Chapman&Hall,London,1905

CONTENTS

THEUNCOMMERCIALTRAVELLER

I

HisGeneralLineofBusiness 1

II

TheShipwreck 2

III

WappingWorkhouse 14

IV

TwoViewsofaCheapTheatre 23

V

PoorMercantileJack 31

VI

RefreshmentsforTravellers 42

VII

TravellingAbroad 49

VIII

TheGreatTasmania’sCargo 59

IX

CityofLondonChurches 67

X

ShyNeighbourhoods 75

XI

Tramps 84

XII

DullboroughTown 94

XIII

NightWalks 102

XIV

Chambers 110

XV

Nurse’sStories 120

XVI

ArcadianLondon 129

XVII

TheItalianPrisoner 137

XVIII

TheCalaisNightMail 145

XIX

SomeRecollectionsofMortality 152

XX

BirthdayCelebrations 160

XXI

TheShort-Timers 168

XXII

BoundfortheGreatSaltLake 178

XXIII

TheCityoftheAbsent 188

XXIV

AnOldStage-coachingHouse 195

XXV

TheBoiledBeefofNewEngland 202

XXVI

ChathamDockyard 210

XXVII

IntheFrench-FlemishCountry 217

XXVIII

MedicineMenofCivilisation 227

XXIX

Titbull’sAlms-Houses 234

XXX

TheRuffian 253

XXXI

AboardShip 249

XXXII

ASmallStarintheEast 258

XXXIII

ALittleDinnerinanHour 267

XXXIV

Mr.Barlow 273

XXXV

OnanAmateurBeat 278

XXXVI

AFly-LeafinaLife 284

XXXVII

APleaforTotalAbstinence 288

LISTOFILLUSTRATIONS

THEUNCOMMERCIALTRAVELLER

TimeandhisWife Frontispiece

ACheapTheatre 24

TheCityPersonage 72

Titbull’sAlms-Houses 242

IHISGENERALLINEOFBUSINESS

ALLOWmetointroducemyself—firstnegatively.

Nolandlordismyfriendandbrother,nochambermaidlovesme,nowaiterworshipsme,nobootsadmiresandenviesme.Noroundofbeefortongueorhamisexpresslycookedforme,nopigeon-pieisespeciallymadeforme,nohotel-advertisementispersonallyaddressedtome,nohotel-roomtapestriedwithgreat-coatsandrailwaywrappersissetapartforme,nohouseofpublicentertainmentintheUnitedKingdomgreatlycaresformyopinionofitsbrandyorsherry.WhenIgouponmyjourneys,Iamnotusuallyratedatalowfigureinthebill;whenIcomehomefrommyjourneys,Inevergetanycommission.Iknownothingaboutprices,andshouldhavenoidea,ifIwereputtoit,howtowheedleamanintoorderingsomethinghedoesn’twant.Asatowntraveller,Iamnevertobeseendrivingavehicleexternallylikeayoungandvolatilepianofortevan,andinternallylikeanoveninwhichanumberofflatboxesarebakinginlayers.Asacountrytraveller,Iamrarelytobefoundinagig,andamnevertobeencounteredbyapleasuretrain,waitingontheplatformofabranchstation,quiteaDruidinthemidstofalightStonehengeofsamples.

Andyet—proceedingnow,tointroducemyselfpositively—Iambothatowntravellerandacountrytraveller,andamalwaysontheroad.Figurativelyspeaking,ItravelforthegreathouseofHumanInterestBrothers,andhaveratheralargeconnectioninthefancygoodsway.Literallyspeaking,IamalwayswanderinghereandtherefrommyroomsinCovent-garden,London—nowaboutthecitystreets:now,aboutthecountryby-roads—seeingmanylittlethings,andsomegreatthings,which,becausetheyinterestme,Ithinkmayinterestothers.

ThesearemychiefcredentialsastheUncommercialTraveller.

IITHESHIPWRECK

NEVERhadIseenayeargoingout,orgoingon,underquietercircumstances.Eighteenhundredandfifty-ninehadbutanotherdaytolive,andtrulyitsendwasPeaceonthatsea-shorethatmorning.

Sosettledandorderlywaseverythingseaward,inthebrightlightofthesunandunderthetransparentshadowsoftheclouds,thatitwashardtoimaginethebayotherwise,foryearspastortocome,thanitwasthatveryday.TheTug-steamerlyingalittleofftheshore,theLighterlyingstillnearertotheshore,theboatalongsidetheLighter,theregularly-turningwindlassaboardtheLighter,themethodicalfiguresatwork,allslowlyandregularlyheavingupanddownwiththebreathingofthesea,allseemedasmuchapartofthenatureoftheplaceasthetideitself.Thetidewasontheflow,andhadbeenforsometwohoursandahalf;therewasaslightobstructionintheseawithinafewyardsofmyfeet:asifthestumpofatree,withearthenoughaboutittokeepitfromlyinghorizontallyonthewater,hadslippedalittlefromtheland—andasIstooduponthebeachandobserveditdimplingthelightswellthatwascomingin,Icastastoneoverit.

Soorderly,soquiet,soregular—therisingandfallingoftheTug-steamer,theLighter,andtheboat—theturningofthewindlass—thecominginofthetide—thatImyselfseemed,tomyownthinking,anythingbutnewtothespot.Yet,Ihadneverseenitinmylife,aminutebefore,andhadtraversedtwohundredmilestogetatit.ThatverymorningIhadcomebowlingdown,andstrugglingup,hill-countryroads;lookingbackatsnowysummits;meetingcourteouspeasantswelltodo,drivingfatpigsandcattletomarket:notingtheneatandthriftydwellings,withtheirunusualquantityofcleanwhitelinen,dryingonthebushes;havingwindyweathersuggestedbyeverycotter’slittlerick,withitsthatchstraw-ridgedandextrastraw-ridgedintooverlappingcompartmentslikethebackofarhinoceros.HadInotgivenaliftoffourteenmilestotheCoast-guardsman(kitandall),whowascomingtohisspellofdutythere,andhadwenotjustnowpartedcompany?Soitwas;butthejourneyseemedtoglidedownintotheplacidsea,withotherchafeandtrouble,andforthemomentnothingwassocalmlyandmonotonouslyrealunderthesunlightasthegentlerisingandfallingofthewaterwithitsfreight,theregularturningofthewindlassaboardtheLighter,andtheslightobstructionsoverynearmyfeet.

Oreader,haplyturningthispagebythefiresideatHome,andhearingthenightwindrumbleinthechimney,thatslightobstructionwastheuppermostfragmentoftheWreckoftheRoyalCharter,Australiantraderandpassengership,Homewardbound,thatstruckhereontheterriblemorningofthetwenty-sixthofthisOctober,brokeintothreeparts,wentdownwithhertreasureofatleastfivehundredhumanlives,andhasneverstirredsince!

Fromwhichpoint,orfromwhich,shedroveashore,sternforemost;onwhichside,oronwhich,shepassedthelittleIslandinthebay,forageshenceforthtobeagroundcertainyardsoutsideher;thesearerenderedbootlessquestionsbythedarknessofthatnightand

thedarknessofdeath.Hereshewentdown.

EvenasIstoodonthebeachwiththewords‘Hereshewentdown!’inmyears,adiverinhisgrotesquedress,dippedheavilyoverthesideoftheboatalongsidetheLighter,anddroppedtothebottom.Ontheshorebythewater’sedge,wasaroughtent,madeoffragmentsofwreck,whereotherdiversandworkmenshelteredthemselves,andwheretheyhadkeptChristmas-daywithrumandroastbeef,tothedestructionoftheirfrailchimney.Castupamongthestonesandbouldersofthebeach,weregreatsparsofthelostvessel,andmassesofirontwistedbythefuryoftheseaintothestrangestforms.Thetimberwasalreadybleachedandironrusted,andeventheseobjectsdidnoviolencetotheprevailingairthewholescenewore,ofhavingbeenexactlythesameforyearsandyears.

Yet,onlytwoshortmonthshadgone,sinceaman,livingonthenearesthill-topoverlookingthesea,beingblownoutofbedataboutdaybreakbythewindthathadbeguntostriphisroofoff,andgettinguponaladderwithhisnearestneighbourtoconstructsometemporarydeviceforkeepinghishouseoverhishead,sawfromtheladder’selevationashelookeddownbychancetowardstheshore,somedarktroubledobjectcloseinwiththeland.Andheandtheother,descendingtothebeach,andfindingtheseamercilesslybeatingoveragreatbrokenship,hadclamberedupthestonyways,likestaircaseswithoutstairs,onwhichthewildvillagehangsinlittleclusters,asfruithangsonboughs,andhadgiventhealarm.Andso,overthehill-slopes,andpastthewaterfall,anddownthegullieswherethelanddrainsoffintotheocean,thescatteredquarrymenandfishermeninhabitingthatpartofWaleshadcomerunningtothedismalsight—theirclergymanamongthem.Andastheystoodintheleadenmorning,strickenwithpity,leaninghardagainstthewind,theirbreathandvisionoftenfailingasthesleetandsprayrushedatthemfromtheeverforminganddissolvingmountainsofsea,andasthewoolwhichwasapartofthevessel’scargoblewinwiththesaltfoamandremaineduponthelandwhenthefoammelted,theysawtheship’slife-boatputofffromoneoftheheapsofwreck;andfirst,therewerethreemeninher,andinamomentshecapsized,andtherewerebuttwo;andagain,shewasstruckbyavastmassofwater,andtherewasbutone;andagain,shewasthrownbottomupward,andthatone,withhisarmstruckthroughthebrokenplanksandwavingasifforthehelpthatcouldneverreachhim,wentdownintothedeep.

ItwastheclergymanhimselffromwhomIheardthis,whileIstoodontheshore,lookinginhiskindwholesomefaceasitturnedtothespotwheretheboathadbeen.Thediversweredownthen,andbusy.Theywere‘lifting’to-daythegoldfoundyesterday—somefive-and-twentythousandpounds.Ofthreehundredandfiftythousandpounds’worthofgold,threehundredthousandpounds’worth,inroundnumbers,wasatthattimerecovered.Thegreatbulkoftheremainderwassurelyandsteadilycomingup.Somelossofsovereignstherewouldbe,ofcourse;indeed,atfirstsovereignshaddriftedinwiththesand,andbeenscatteredfarandwideoverthebeach,likesea-shells;butmostothergoldentreasurewouldbefound.Asitwasbroughtup,itwentaboardtheTug-steamer,wheregoodaccountwastakenofit.Sotremendoushadtheforceoftheseabeenwhenitbroketheship,thatithadbeatenonegreatingotofgold,deepintoastrongandheavypieceofhersolidiron-work:inwhich,also,severalloosesovereignsthattheingothadsweptinbeforeit,hadbeenfound,asfirmlyembeddedasthoughtheironhadbeenliquidwhentheywereforcedthere.Ithadbeenremarkedofsuchbodiescomeashore,too,ashadbeenseenbyscientificmen,thattheyhadbeenstunnedtodeath,andnotsuffocated.

Observation,bothoftheinternalchangethathadbeenwroughtinthem,andoftheirexternalexpression,showeddeathtohavebeenthusmercifulandeasy.Thereportwasbrought,whileIwasholdingsuchdiscourseonthebeach,thatnomorebodieshadcomeashoresincelastnight.Itbegantobeverydoubtfulwhethermanymorewouldbethrownup,untilthenorth-eastwindsoftheearlyspringsetin.Moreover,agreatnumberofthepassengers,andparticularlythesecond-classwomen-passengers,wereknowntohavebeeninthemiddleoftheshipwhensheparted,andthusthecollapsingwreckwouldhavefallenuponthemafteryawningopen,andwouldkeepthemdown.Adivermadeknown,eventhen,thathehadcomeuponthebodyofaman,andhadsoughttoreleaseitfromagreatsuperincumbentweight;butthat,findinghecouldnotdosowithoutmutilatingtheremains,hehadleftitwhereitwas.

ItwasthekindandwholesomefaceIhavemadementionofasbeingthenbesideme,thatIhadpurposedtomyselftosee,whenIlefthomeforWales.Ihadheardofthatclergyman,ashavingburiedmanyscoresoftheshipwreckedpeople;ofhishavingopenedhishouseandhearttotheiragonisedfriends;ofhishavingusedamostsweetandpatientdiligenceforweeksandweeks,intheperformanceoftheforlornestofficesthatMancanrendertohiskind;ofhishavingmosttenderlyandthoroughlydevotedhimselftothedead,andtothosewhoweresorrowingforthedead.Ihadsaidtomyself,‘IntheChristmasseasonoftheyear,Ishouldliketoseethatman!’Andhehadswungthegateofhislittlegardenincomingouttomeetme,nothalfanhourago.

Socheerfulofspiritandguiltlessofaffectation,astruepracticalChristianityeveris!IreadmoreoftheNewTestamentinthefreshfrankfacegoingupthevillagebesideme,infiveminutes,thanIhavereadinanathematisingdiscourses(albeitputtopresswithenormousflourishingoftrumpets),inallmylife.IheardmoreoftheSacredBookinthecordialvoicethathadnothingtosayaboutitsowner,thaninallthewould-becelestialpairsofbellowsthathaveeverblownconceitatme.

Weclimbedtowardsthelittlechurch,atacheerypace,amongtheloosestones,thedeepmud,thewetcoarsegrass,theoutlyingwater,andotherobstructionsfromwhichfrostandsnowhadlatelythawed.Itwasamistake(myfriendwasgladtotellme,ontheway)tosupposethatthepeasantryhadshownanysuperstitiousavoidanceofthedrowned;onthewhole,theyhaddoneverywell,andhadassistedreadily.Tenshillingshadbeenpaidforthebringingofeachbodyuptothechurch,butthewaywassteep,andahorseandcart(inwhichitwaswrappedinasheet)werenecessary,andthreeorfourmen,and,allthingsconsidered,itwasnotagreatprice.Thepeoplewerenonethericherforthewreck,foritwastheseasonoftheherring-shoal—andwhocouldcastnetsforfish,andfinddeadmenandwomeninthedraught?

Hehadthechurchkeysinhishand,andopenedthechurchyardgate,andopenedthechurchdoor;andwewentin.

Itisalittlechurchofgreatantiquity;thereisreasontobelievethatsomechurchhasoccupiedthespot,thesethousandyearsormore.Thepulpitwasgone,andotherthingsusuallybelongingtothechurchweregone,owingtoitslivingcongregationhavingdeserteditfortheneighbouringschool-room,andyieldedituptothedead.TheveryCommandmentshadbeenshoulderedoutoftheirplaces,inthebringinginofthedead;theblackwoodentablesonwhichtheywerepainted,wereaskew,andonthestonepavement

belowthem,andonthestonepavementalloverthechurch,werethemarksandstainswherethedrownedhadbeenlaiddown.Theeye,withlittleornoaidfromtheimagination,couldyetseehowthebodieshadbeenturned,andwheretheheadhadbeenandwherethefeet.SomefadedtracesofthewreckoftheAustralianshipmaybediscernibleonthestonepavementofthislittlechurch,hundredsofyearshence,whenthediggingforgoldinAustraliashallhavelongandlongceasedoutoftheland.

Forty-fourshipwreckedmenandwomenlayhereatonetime,awaitingburial.Here,withweepingandwailingineveryroomofhishouse,mycompanionworkedaloneforhours,solemnlysurroundedbyeyesthatcouldnotseehim,andbylipsthatcouldnotspeaktohim,patientlyexaminingthetatteredclothing,cuttingoffbuttons,hair,marksfromlinen,anythingthatmightleadtosubsequentidentification,studyingfaces,lookingforascar,abentfinger,acrookedtoe,comparingletterssenttohimwiththeruinabouthim.‘Mydearestbrotherhadbrightgreyeyesandapleasantsmile,’onesisterwrote.Opoorsister!wellforyoutobefarfromhere,andkeepthatasyourlastremembranceofhim!

Theladiesoftheclergyman’sfamily,hiswifeandtwosisters-in-law,cameinamongthebodiesoften.Itgrewtobethebusinessoftheirlivestodoso.Anynewarrivalofabereavedwomanwouldstimulatetheirpitytocomparethedescriptionbrought,withthedreadrealities.Sometimes,theywouldgobackabletosay,‘Ihavefoundhim,’or,‘Ithinksheliesthere.’Perhaps,themourner,unabletobearthesightofallthatlayinthechurch,wouldbeledinblindfold.Conductedtothespotwithmanycompassionatewords,andencouragedtolook,shewouldsay,withapiercingcry,‘Thisismyboy!’anddropinsensibleontheinsensiblefigure.

Hesoonobservedthatinsomecasesofwomen,theidentificationofpersons,thoughcomplete,wasquiteatvariancewiththemarksuponthelinen;thisledhimtonoticethateventhemarksuponthelinenweresometimesinconsistentwithoneanother;andthushecametounderstandthattheyhaddressedingreathasteandagitation,andthattheirclotheshadbecomemixedtogether.Theidentificationofmenbytheirdress,wasrenderedextremelydifficult,inconsequenceofalargeproportionofthembeingdressedalike—inclothesofonekind,thatistosay,suppliedbyslopsellersandoutfitters,andnotmadebysinglegarmentsbutbyhundreds.Manyofthemenwerebringingoverparrots,andhadreceiptsuponthemforthepriceofthebirds;othershadbillsofexchangeintheirpockets,orinbelts.Someofthesedocuments,carefullyunwrinkledanddried,werelittlelessfreshinappearancethatday,thanthepresentpagewillbeunderordinarycircumstances,afterhavingbeenopenedthreeorfourtimes.

Inthatlonelyplace,ithadnotbeeneasytoobtainevensuchcommoncommoditiesintowns,asordinarydisinfectants.Pitchhadbeenburntinthechurch,asthereadiestthingathand,andthefrying-paninwhichithadbubbledoverabrazierofcoalswasstillthere,withitsashes.HardbytheCommunion-Table,weresomebootsthathadbeentakenoffthedrownedandpreserved—agold-digger’sboot,cutdownthelegforitsremoval—atrodden-downman’sankle-bootwithabuffclothtop—andothers—soakedandsandy,weedyandsalt.

Fromthechurch,wepassedoutintothechurchyard.Here,therelay,atthattime,onehundredandforty-fivebodies,thathadcomeashorefromthewreck.Hehadburiedthem,whennotidentified,ingravescontainingfoureach.Hehadnumberedeachbodyina

registerdescribingit,andhadplacedacorrespondingnumberoneachcoffin,andovereachgrave.Identifiedbodieshehadburiedsingly,inprivategraves,inanotherpartofthechurch-yard.Severalbodieshadbeenexhumedfromthegravesoffour,asrelativeshadcomefromadistanceandseenhisregister;and,whenrecognised,thesehavebeenreburiedinprivategraves,sothatthemournersmighterectseparateheadstonesovertheremains.Inallsuchcaseshehadperformedthefuneralserviceasecondtime,andtheladiesofhishousehadattended.Therehadbeennooffenceinthepoorasheswhentheywerebroughtagaintothelightofday;thebeneficentEarthhadalreadyabsorbedit.Thedrownedwereburiedintheirclothes.Tosupplythegreatsuddendemandforcoffins,hehadgotalltheneighbouringpeoplehandyattools,toworkthelivelongday,andSundaylikewise.Thecoffinswereneatlyformed;—Ihadseentwo,waitingforoccupants,undertheleeoftheruinedwallsofastonehutonthebeach,withincallofthetentwheretheChristmasFeastwasheld.Similarly,oneofthegravesforfourwaslyingopenandready,here,inthechurchyard.Somuchofthescantyspacewasalreadydevotedtothewreckedpeople,thatthevillagershadbeguntoexpressuneasydoubtswhethertheythemselvescouldlieintheirownground,withtheirforefathersanddescendants,by-and-by.Thechurchyardbeingbutastepfromtheclergyman’sdwelling-house,wecrossedtothelatter;thewhitesurplicewashangingupnearthedoorreadytobeputonatanytime,forafuneralservice.

ThecheerfulearnestnessofthisgoodChristianministerwasasconsolatory,asthecircumstancesoutofwhichitshoneweresad.Ineverhaveseenanythingmoredelightfullygenuinethanthecalmdismissalbyhimselfandhishouseholdofalltheyhadundergone,asasimpledutythatwasquietlydoneandended.Inspeakingofit,theyspokeofitwithgreatcompassionforthebereaved;butlaidnostressupontheirownhardshareinthosewearyweeks,exceptasithadattachedmanypeopletothemasfriends,andelicitedmanytouchingexpressionsofgratitude.Thisclergyman’sbrother—himselftheclergymanoftwoadjoiningparishes,whohadburiedthirty-fourofthebodiesinhisownchurchyard,andwhohaddonetothemallthathisbrotherhaddoneastothelargernumber—mustbeunderstoodasincludedinthefamily.Hewasthere,withhisneatlyarrangedpapers,andmadenomoreaccountofhistroublethananybodyelsedid.Downtoyesterday’spostoutward,myclergymanalonehadwrittenonethousandandseventy-fiveletterstorelativesandfriendsofthelostpeople.Intheabsenceofself-assertion,itwasonlythroughmynowandthendelicatelyputtingaquestionastheoccasionarose,thatIbecameinformedofthesethings.ItwasonlywhenIhadremarkedagainandagain,inthechurch,ontheawfulnatureofthesceneofdeathhehadbeenrequiredsocloselytofamiliarisehimselfwithforthesoothingoftheliving,thathehadcasuallysaid,withouttheleastabatementofhischeerfulness,‘indeed,ithadrenderedhimunableforatimetoeatordrinkmorethanalittlecoffeenowandthen,andapieceofbread.’

Inthisnoblemodesty,inthisbeautifulsimplicity,inthissereneavoidanceoftheleastattemptto‘improve’anoccasionwhichmightbesupposedtohavesunkofitsownweightintomyheart,Iseemedtohavehappilycome,inafewsteps,fromthechurchyardwithitsopengrave,whichwasthetypeofDeath,totheChristiandwellingsidebysidewithit,whichwasthetypeofResurrection.Inevershallthinkoftheformer,withoutthelatter.Thetwowillalwaysrestsidebysideinmymemory.IfIhadlostanyonedeartomeinthisunfortunateship,ifIhadmadeavoyagefromAustraliatolookatthegraveinthe

churchyard,Ishouldgoaway,thankfultoGODthatthathousewassoclosetoit,andthatitsshadowbydayanditsdomesticlightsbynightfellupontheearthinwhichitsMasterhadsotenderlylaidmydearone’shead.

Thereferencesthatnaturallyaroseoutofourconversation,tothedescriptionssentdownofshipwreckedpersons,andtothegratitudeofrelationsandfriends,mademeveryanxioustoseesomeofthoseletters.Iwaspresentlyseatedbeforeashipwreckofpapers,allborderedwithblack,andfromthemImadethefollowingfewextracts.

Amotherwrites:

REVERENDSIR.Amongstthemanywhoperishedonyourshorewasnumberedmybelovedson.Iwasonlyjustrecoveringfromasevereillness,andthisfearfulafflictionhascausedarelapse,sothatIamunableatpresenttogotoidentifytheremainsofthelovedandlost.MydarlingsonwouldhavebeensixteenonChristmas-daynext.Hewasamostamiableandobedientchild,earlytaughtthewayofsalvation.WefondlyhopedthatasaBritishseamanhemightbeanornamenttohisprofession,but,‘itiswell;’Ifeelassuredmydearboyisnowwiththeredeemed.Oh,hedidnotwishtogothislastvoyage!OnthefifteenthofOctober,IreceivedaletterfromhimfromMelbourne,dateAugusttwelfth;hewroteinhighspirits,andinconclusionhesays:‘Prayforafairbreeze,dearmamma,andI’llnotforgettowhistleforit!and,Godpermitting,Ishallseeyouandallmylittlepetsagain.Good-bye,dearmother—good-bye,dearestparents.Good-bye,dearbrother.’Oh,itwasindeedaneternalfarewell.Idonotapologiseforthuswritingyou,foroh,myheartissoverysorrowful.

Ahusbandwrites:

MYDEARKINDSIR.Willyoukindlyinformmewhetherthereareanyinitialsupontheringandguardyouhaveinpossession,found,astheStandardsays,lastTuesday?Believeme,mydearsir,whenIsaythatIcannotexpressmydeepgratitudeinwordssufficientlyforyourkindnesstomeonthatfearfulandappallingday.WillyoutellmewhatIcandoforyou,andwillyouwritemeaconsolinglettertopreventmymindfromgoingastray?

Awidowwrites:

LeftinsuchastateasIam,myfriendsandIthoughtitbestthatmydearhusbandshouldbeburiedwherehelies,and,muchasIshouldhavelikedtohavehaditotherwise,Imustsubmit.Ifeel,fromallIhaveheardofyou,thatyouwillseeitdonedecentlyandinorder.Littledoesitsignifytous,whenthesoulhasdeparted,wherethispoorbodylies,butwewhoareleftbehindwoulddoallwecantoshowhowwelovedthem.Thisisdeniedme,butitisGod’shandthatafflictsus,andItrytosubmit.SomedayImaybeabletovisitthespot,andseewherehelies,anderectasimplestonetohismemory.Oh!itwillbelong,longbeforeIforgetthatdreadfulnight!Istheresuchathinginthevicinity,oranyshopinBangor,towhichIcouldsendforasmallpictureofMoelfraorLlanallgochurch,aspotnowsacredtome?

Anotherwidowwrites:

Ihavereceivedyourletterthismorning,anddothankyoumostkindlyfortheinterestyouhavetakenaboutmydearhusband,aswellforthesentimentsyourscontains,evincingthespiritofaChristianwhocansympathisewiththosewho,likemyself,arebrokendownwithgrief.

MayGodblessandsustainyou,andallinconnectionwithyou,inthisgreattrial.Timemayrollonandbearallitssonsaway,butyournameasadisinterestedpersonwillstandinhistory,and,assuccessiveyearspass,manyawidowwillthinkofyournobleconduct,andthetearsofgratitudeflowdownmanyacheek,thetributeofathankfulheart,whenotherthingsareforgottenforever.

Afatherwrites:

IamatalosstofindwordstosufficientlyexpressmygratitudetoyouforyourkindnesstomysonRicharduponthemelancholyoccasionofhisvisittohisdearbrother’sbody,andalsoforyourreadyattentioninpronouncingourbeautifulburialserviceovermypoorunfortunateson’sremains.GodgrantthatyourprayersoverhimmayreachtheMercySeat,andthathissoulmaybereceived(throughChrist’sintercession)intoheaven!

Hisdearmotherbegsmetoconveytoyouherheartfeltthanks.

Thosewhowerereceivedattheclergyman’shouse,writethus,afterleavingit:

DEARANDNEVER-TO-BE-FORGOTTENFRIENDS.Iarrivedhereyesterdaymorningwithoutaccident,andamabouttoproceedtomyhomebyrailway.

IamoverpoweredwhenIthinkofyouandyourhospitablehome.Nowordscouldspeaklanguagesuitedtomyheart.Irefrain.Godrewardyouwiththesamemeasureyouhavemetedwith!

Ienumeratenonames,butembraceyouall.

MYBELOVEDFRIENDS.ThisisthefirstdaythatIhavebeenabletoleavemybedroomsinceIreturned,whichwillexplainthereasonofmynotwritingsooner.

IfIcouldonlyhavehadmylastmelancholyhoperealisedinrecoveringthebodyofmybelovedandlamentedson,Ishouldhavereturnedhomesomewhatcomforted,andIthinkIcouldthenhavebeencomparativelyresigned.

Ifearnowthereisbutlittleprospect,andImournasonewithouthope.

Theonlyconsolationtomydistressedmindisinhavingbeensofeelinglyallowedbyyoutoleavethematterinyourhands,bywhomIwellknowthateverythingwillbedonethatcanbe,accordingtoarrangementsmadebeforeIleftthesceneoftheawfulcatastrophe,bothastotheidentificationofmydearson,andalsohisinterment.

IfeelmostanxioustohearwhetheranythingfreshhastranspiredsinceIleftyou;willyouaddanothertothemanydeepobligationsIamundertoyoubywritingtome?Andshould

thebodyofmydearandunfortunatesonbeidentified,letmehearfromyouimmediately,andIwillcomeagain.

WordscannotexpressthegratitudeIfeelIowetoyouallforyourbenevolentaid,yourkindness,andyoursympathy.

MYDEARLYBELOVEDFRIENDS.Iarrivedinsafetyatmyhouseyesterday,andanight’sresthasrestoredandtranquillisedme.Imustagainrepeat,thatlanguagehasnowordsbywhichIcanexpressmysenseofobligationtoyou.Youareenshrinedinmyheartofhearts.

Ihaveseenhim!andcannowrealisemymisfortunemorethanIhavehithertobeenabletodo.Oh,thebitternessofthecupIdrink!ButIbowsubmissive.Godmusthavedoneright.Idonotwanttofeelless,buttoacquiescemoresimply.

ThereweresomeJewishpassengersonboardtheRoyalCharter,andthegratitudeoftheJewishpeopleisfeelinglyexpressedinthefollowingletterbearingdatefrom‘theofficeoftheChiefRabbi:’

REVERENDSIR.IcannotrefrainfromexpressingtoyoumyheartfeltthanksonbehalfofthoseofmyflockwhoserelativeshaveunfortunatelybeenamongthosewhoperishedatthelatewreckoftheRoyalCharter.Youhave,indeed,likeBoaz,‘notleftoffyourkindnesstothelivingandthedead.’

Youhavenotaloneactedkindlytowardsthelivingbyreceivingthemhospitablyatyourhouse,andenergeticallyassistingthemintheirmournfulduty,butalsotowardsthedead,byexertingyourselftohaveourco-religionistsburiedinourground,andaccordingtoourrites.MayourheavenlyFatherrewardyouforyouractsofhumanityandtruephilanthropy!

The‘OldHebrewcongregationofLiverpool’thusexpressthemselvesthroughtheirsecretary:

REVERENDSIR.Thewardensofthiscongregationhavelearnedwithgreatpleasurethat,inadditiontothoseindefatigableexertions,atthesceneofthelatedisastertotheRoyalCharter,whichhavereceiveduniversalrecognition,youhaveverybenevolentlyemployedyourvaluableeffortstoassistsuchmembersofourfaithashavesoughtthebodiesoflostfriendstogivethemburialinourconsecratedgrounds,withtheobservancesandritesprescribedbytheordinancesofourreligion.

Thewardensdesiremetotaketheearliestavailableopportunitytooffertoyou,onbehalfofourcommunity,theexpressionoftheirwarmacknowledgmentsandgratefulthanks,andtheirsincerewishesforyourcontinuedwelfareandprosperity.

AJewishgentlemanwrites:

REVERENDANDDEARSIR.Itaketheopportunityofthankingyourightearnestlyforthepromptnessyoudisplayedinansweringmynotewithfullparticularsconcerningmy

muchlamentedbrother,andIalsohereinbegtoexpressmysincereregardforthewillingnessyoudisplayedandforthefacilityyouaffordedforgettingtheremainsofmypoorbrotherexhumed.Ithasbeentousamostsorrowfulandpainfulevent,butwhenwemeetwithsuchfriendsasyourself,itinameasure,somehoworother,abatesthatmentalanguish,andmakesthesufferingsomucheasiertobeborne.Consideringthecircumstancesconnectedwithmypoorbrother’sfate,itdoes,indeed,appearahardone.Hehadbeenawayinallsevenyears;hereturnedfouryearsagotoseehisfamily.Hewasthenengagedtoaveryamiableyounglady.Hehadbeenverysuccessfulabroad,andwasnowreturningtofulfilhissacredvow;hebroughtallhispropertywithhimingolduninsured.WeheardfromhimwhentheshipstoppedatQueenstown,whenhewasinthehighestofhope,andinafewshorthoursafterwardsallwaswashedaway.

Mournfulinthedeepestdegree,buttoosacredforquotationhere,werethenumerousreferencestothoseminiaturesofwomenwornroundthenecksofroughmen(andfoundthereafterdeath),thoselocksofhair,thosescrapsofletters,thosemanymanyslightmemorialsofhiddentenderness.Onemancastupbytheseaboreabouthim,printedonaperforatedlacecard,thefollowingsingular(andunavailing)charm:

ABLESSING.

MaytheblessingofGodawaitthee.Maythesunofgloryshinearoundthybed;andmaythegatesofplenty,honour,andhappinessbeeveropentothee.Maynosorrowdistressthydays;maynogriefdisturbthynights.Maythepillowofpeacekissthycheek,andthepleasuresofimaginationattendthydreams;andwhenlengthofyearsmakestheetiredofearthlyjoys,andthecurtainofdeathgentlyclosesaroundthylastsleepofhumanexistence,maytheAngelofGodattendthybed,andtakecarethattheexpiringlampoflifeshallnotreceiveonerudeblasttohastenonitsextinction.

Asailorhadthesedevicesonhisrightarm.‘OurSaviourontheCross,theforeheadoftheCrucifixandthevesturestainedred;onthelowerpartofthearm,amanandwoman;ononesideoftheCross,theappearanceofahalfmoon,withaface;ontheotherside,thesun;onthetopoftheCross,thelettersI.H.S.;ontheleftarm,amanandwomandancing,withanefforttodelineatethefemale’sdress;underwhich,initials.’Anotherseaman‘had,onthelowerpartoftherightarm,thedeviceofasailorandafemale;themanholdingtheUnionJackwithastreamer,thefoldsofwhichwavedoverherhead,andtheendofitwasheldinherhand.Ontheupperpartofthearm,adeviceofOurLordontheCross,withstarssurroundingtheheadoftheCross,andonelargestaronthesideinIndianInk.Ontheleftarm,aflag,atruelover’sknot,aface,andinitials.’Thistattooingwasfoundstillplain,belowthediscolouredoutersurfaceofamutilatedarm,whensuchsurfacewascarefullyscrapedawaywithaknife.Itisnotimprobablethattheperpetuationofthismarkingcustomamongseamen,maybereferredbacktotheirdesiretobeidentified,ifdrownedandflungashore.

ItwassometimebeforeIcouldsevermyselffromthemanyinterestingpapersonthetable,andthenIbrokebreadanddrankwinewiththekindfamilybeforeIleftthem.AsIbroughttheCoast-guarddown,soItookthePostmanback,withhisleathernwallet,walking-stick,bugle,andterrierdog.Manyaheart-brokenletterhadhebroughttothe

RectoryHousewithintwomonthsmany;abenignantlypainstakinganswerhadhecarriedback.

AsIrodealong,Ithoughtofthemanypeople,inhabitantsofthismothercountry,whowouldmakepilgrimagestothelittlechurchyardintheyearstocome;IthoughtofthemanypeopleinAustralia,whowouldhaveaninterestinsuchashipwreck,andwouldfindtheirwayherewhentheyvisittheOldWorld;IthoughtofthewritersofallthewreckoflettersIhadleftuponthetable;andIresolvedtoplacethislittlerecordwhereitstands.Convocations,Conferences,DiocesanEpistles,andthelike,willdoagreatdealforReligion,Idaresay,andHeavensendtheymay!butIdoubtiftheywilleverdotheirMaster’sservicehalfsowell,inallthetimetheylast,astheHeavenshaveseenitdoneinthisbleakspotupontheruggedcoastofWales.

HadIlostthefriendofmylife,inthewreckoftheRoyalCharter;hadIlostmybetrothed,themorethanfriendofmylife;hadIlostmymaidendaughter,hadIlostmyhopefulboy,hadIlostmylittlechild;Iwouldkissthehandsthatworkedsobusilyandgentlyinthechurch,andsay,‘Nonebettercouldhavetouchedtheform,thoughithadlainathome.’Icouldbesureofit,Icouldbethankfulforit:Icouldbecontenttoleavethegravenearthehousethegoodfamilypassinandoutofeveryday,undisturbed,inthelittlechurchyardwheresomanyaresostrangelybroughttogether.

Withoutthenameoftheclergymantowhom—Ihope,notwithoutcarryingcomforttosomeheartatsometime—Ihavereferred,myreferencewouldbeasnothing.HeistheReverendStephenRooseHughes,ofLlanallgo,nearMoelfra,Anglesey.HisbrotheristheReverendHughRobertHughes,ofPenrhos,Alligwy.

IIIWAPPINGWORKHOUSE

MYday’sno-businessbeckoningmetotheEast-endofLondon,IhadturnedmyfacetothatpointofthemetropolitancompassonleavingCovent-garden,andhadgotpasttheIndiaHouse,thinkinginmyidlemannerofTippoo-SahibandCharlesLamb,andhadgotpastmylittlewoodenmidshipman,afteraffectionatelypattinghimononelegofhisknee-shortsforoldacquaintance’sake,andhadgotpastAldgatePump,andhadgotpasttheSaracen’sHead(withanignominiousrashofpostingbillsdisfiguringhisswarthycountenance),andhadstrolleduptheemptyyardofhisancientneighbourtheBlackorBlueBoar,orBull,whodepartedthislifeIdon’tknowwhen,andwhosecoachesareallgoneIdon’tknowwhere;andIhadcomeoutagainintotheageofrailways,andIhadgotpastWhitechapelChurch,andwas—ratherinappropriatelyforanUncommercialTraveller—intheCommercialRoad.Pleasantlywallowingintheabundantmudofthatthoroughfare,andgreatlyenjoyingthehugepilesofbuildingbelongingtothesugarrefiners,thelittlemastsandvanesinsmallbackgardensinbackstreets,theneighbouringcanalsanddocks,theIndiavanslumberingalongtheirstonetramway,andthepawnbrokers’shopswherehard-upMateshadpawnedsomanysextantsandquadrants,thatIshouldhaveboughtafewcheapifIhadtheleastnotionhowtousethem,Iatlastbegantofileofftotheright,towardsWapping.

NotthatIintendedtotakeboatatWappingOldStairs,orthatIwasgoingtolookatthelocality,becauseIbelieve(forIdon’t)intheconstancyoftheyoungwomanwhotoldhersea-goinglover,tosuchabeautifuloldtune,thatshehadevercontinuedthesame,sinceshegavehimthe’baccer-boxmarkedwithhisname;Iamafraidheusuallygottheworstofthosetransactions,andwasfrightfullytakenin.No,IwasgoingtoWapping,becauseanEasternpolicemagistratehadsaid,throughthemorningpapers,thattherewasnoclassificationattheWappingworkhouseforwomen,andthatitwasadisgraceandashame,anddiversotherhardnames,andbecauseIwishedtoseehowthefactreallystood.For,thatEasternpolicemagistratesarenotalwaysthewisestmenoftheEast,maybeinferredfromtheircourseofprocedurerespectingthefancy-dressingandpantomime-posturingatSt.George’sinthatquarter:whichisusually,todiscussthematteratissue,inastateofmindbetokeningtheweakestperplexity,withallpartiesconcernedandunconcerned,and,forafinalexpedient,toconsultthecomplainantastowhathethinksoughttobedonewiththedefendant,andtakethedefendant’sopinionastowhathewouldrecommendtobedonewithhimself.

LongbeforeIreachedWapping,Igavemyselfupashavinglostmyway,and,abandoningmyselftothenarrowstreetsinaTurkishframeofmind,reliedonpredestinationtobringmesomehoworothertotheplaceIwantedifIwereevertogetthere.WhenIhadceasedforanhourorsototakeanytroubleaboutthematter,Ifoundmyselfonaswing-bridgelookingdownatsomedarklocksinsomedirtywater.Overagainstme,stoodacreatureremotelyinthelikenessofayoungman,withapuffedsallowface,andafigurealldirtyandshinyandslimy,whomayhavebeentheyoungestsonofhisfilthyoldfather,Thames,

orthedrownedmanaboutwhomtherewasaplacardonthegranitepostlikealargethimble,thatstoodbetweenus.

Iaskedthisapparitionwhatitcalledtheplace?Untowhich,itreplied,withaghastlygrinandasoundlikegurglingwaterinitsthroat:

‘Mr.Baker’strap.’

Asitisapointofgreatsensitivenesswithmeonsuchoccasionstobeequaltotheintellectualpressureoftheconversation,Ideeplyconsideredthemeaningofthisspeech,whileIeyedtheapparition—thenengagedinhuggingandsuckingahorizontalironbaratthetopofthelocks.InspirationsuggestedtomethatMr.Bakerwastheactingcoronerofthatneighbourhood.

‘Acommonplaceforsuicide,’saidI,lookingdownatthelocks.

‘Sue?’returnedtheghost,withastare.‘Yes!AndPoll.LikewiseEmily.AndNancy.AndJane;’hesuckedtheironbetweeneachname;‘andallthebileing.Ketchesofftheirbonnetsorshorls,takesarun,andheadersdownhere,theydoos.Alwaysaheaderin’downhere,theyis.Likeoneo’clock.’

‘Andataboutthathourofthemorning,Isuppose?’

‘Ah!’saidtheapparition.‘Theyan’tpartickler.Two’ulldoforthem.Three.Alltimeso’night.On’ymindyou!’Heretheapparitionrestedhisprofileonthebar,andgurgledinasarcasticmanner.‘Theremustbesomebodycomin’.Theydon’tgoaheaderin’downhere,wentherean’tnoBobbynorgen’ralCove,furtohearthesplash.’

Accordingtomyinterpretationofthesewords,IwasmyselfaGeneralCove,ormemberofthemiscellaneouspublic.InwhichmodestcharacterIremarked:

‘Theyareoftentakenout,arethey,andrestored?’

‘Idunnoaboutrestored,’saidtheapparition,who,forsomeoccultreason,verymuchobjectedtothatword;‘they’recarriedintothewerkissandputintoa’otbath,andbroughtround.ButIdunnoaboutrestored,’saidtheapparition;‘blowthat!’—andvanished.

Asithadshownadesiretobecomeoffensive,Iwasnotsorrytofindmyselfalone,especiallyasthe‘werkiss’ithadindicatedwithatwistofitsmattedhead,wascloseathand.SoIleftMr.Baker’sterribletrap(baitedwithascumthatwaslikethesoapyrinsingofsootychimneys),andmadeboldtoringattheworkhousegate,whereIwaswhollyunexpectedandquiteunknown.

Averybrightandnimblelittlematron,withabunchofkeysinherhand,respondedtomyrequesttoseetheHouse.Ibegantodoubtwhetherthepolicemagistratewasquiterightinhisfacts,whenInoticedherquick,activelittlefigureandherintelligenteyes.

TheTraveller(thematronintimated)shouldseetheworstfirst.Hewaswelcometoseeeverything.Suchasitwas,thereitallwas.

Thiswastheonlypreparationforourentering‘theFoulwards.’Theywereinanoldbuildingsqueezedawayinacornerofapavedyard,quitedetachedfromthemoremodernandspaciousmainbodyoftheworkhouse.Theywereinabuildingmostmonstrouslybehindthetime—amereseriesofgarretsorlofts,witheveryinconvenientand

objectionablecircumstanceintheirconstruction,andonlyaccessiblebysteepandnarrowstaircases,infamouslyill-adaptedforthepassageup-stairsofthesickordown-stairsofthedead.

A-bedinthesemiserablerooms,hereonbedsteads,there(forachange,asIunderstoodit)onthefloor,werewomenineverystageofdistressanddisease.Nonebutthosewhohaveattentivelyobservedsuchscenes,canconceivetheextraordinaryvarietyofexpressionstilllatentunderthegeneralmonotonyanduniformityofcolour,attitude,andcondition.Theformalittlecoiledupandturnedaway,asthoughithadturneditsbackonthisworldforever;theuninterestedfaceatoncelead-colouredandyellow,lookingpassivelyupwardfromthepillow;thehaggardmouthalittledropped,thehandoutsidethecoverlet,sodullandindifferent,solight,andyetsoheavy;thesewereoneverypallet;butwhenIstoppedbesideabed,andsaideversoslightawordtothefigurelyingthere,theghostoftheoldcharactercameintotheface,andmadetheFoulwardasvariousasthefairworld.Nooneappearedtocaretolive,butnoonecomplained;allwhocouldspeak,saidthatasmuchwasdoneforthemascouldbedonethere,thattheattendancewaskindandpatient,thattheirsufferingwasveryheavy,buttheyhadnothingtoaskfor.Thewretchedroomswereascleanandsweetasitispossibleforsuchroomstobe;theywouldbecomeapest-houseinasingleweek,iftheywereill-kept.

Iaccompaniedthebriskmatronupanotherbarbarousstaircase,intoabetterkindofloftdevotedtotheidioticandimbecile.TherewasatleastLightinit,whereasthewindowsintheformerwardshadbeenlikesidesofschool-boys’bird-cages.Therewasastronggratingoverthefirehere,and,holdingakindofstateoneithersideofthehearth,separatedbythebreadthofthisgrating,weretwooldladiesinaconditionoffeebledignity,whichwassurelytheverylastandlowestreductionofself-complacencytobefoundinthiswonderfulhumanityofours.Theywereevidentlyjealousofeachother,andpassedtheirwholetime(assomepeopledo,whosefiresarenotgrated)inmentallydisparagingeachother,andcontemptuouslywatchingtheirneighbours.Oneoftheseparodiesonprovincialgentlewomenwasextremelytalkative,andexpressedastrongdesiretoattendtheserviceonSundays,fromwhichsherepresentedherselftohavederivedthegreatestinterestandconsolationwhenallowedthatprivilege.Shegossipedsowell,andlookedaltogethersocheeryandharmless,thatIbegantothinkthisacasefortheEasternmagistrate,untilIfoundthatonthelastoccasionofherattendingchapelshehadsecretedasmallstick,andhadcausedsomeconfusionintheresponsesbysuddenlyproducingitandbelabouringthecongregation.

So,thesetwooldladies,separatedbythebreadthofthegrating—otherwisetheywouldflyatoneanother’scaps—satalldaylong,suspectingoneanother,andcontemplatingaworldoffits.Foreverybodyelseintheroomhadfits,exceptthewards-woman;anelderly,able-bodiedpauperess,withalargeupperlip,andanairofrepressingandsavingherstrength,asshestoodwithherhandsfoldedbeforeher,andhereyesslowlyrolling,bidinghertimeforcatchingorholdingsomebody.Thiscivilpersonage(inwhomIregrettedtoidentifyareducedmemberofmyhonourablefriendMrs.Gamp’sfamily)said,‘Theyhas’emcontiniwal,sir.Theydropswithoutnomorenoticethaniftheywascoach-horsesdroppedfromthemoon,sir.Andwhenonedrops,anotherdrops,andsometimesthere’llbeasmanyasfourorfiveon’ematonce,dearme,arollingandatearin’,blessyou!—thisyoungwoman,now,has’emdreadfulbad.’

Sheturnedupthisyoungwoman’sfacewithherhandasshesaidit.Thisyoungwomanwasseatedonthefloor,ponderingintheforegroundoftheafflicted.Therewasnothingrepellenteitherinherfaceorhead.Many,apparentlyworse,varietiesofepilepsyandhysteriawereabouther,butshewassaidtobetheworsthere.WhenIhadspokentoheralittle,shestillsatwithherfaceturnedup,pondering,andagleamofthemid-daysunshoneinuponher.

—Whetherthisyoungwoman,andtherestofthesesosorelytroubled,astheysitorlieponderingintheirconfuseddullway,evergetmentalglimpsesamongthemotesinthesunlight,ofhealthypeopleandhealthythings?Whetherthisyoungwoman,broodinglikethisinthesummerseason,everthinksthatsomewheretherearetreesandflowers,evenmountainsandthegreatsea?Whether,nottogosofar,thisyoungwomaneverhasanydimrevelationofthatyoungwoman—thatyoungwomanwhoisnothereandneverwillcomehere;whoiscourted,andcaressed,andloved,andhasahusband,andbearschildren,andlivesinahome,andwhoneverknowswhatitistohavethislashingandtearingcominguponher?Andwhetherthisyoungwoman,Godhelpher,givesherselfupthenanddropslikeacoach-horsefromthemoon?

Ihardlyknewwhetherthevoicesofinfantchildren,penetratingintosohopelessaplace,madeasoundthatwaspleasantorpainfultome.Itwassomethingtoberemindedthatthewearyworldwasnotallaweary,andwaseverrenewingitself;but,thisyoungwomanwasachildnotlongago,andachildnotlonghencemightbesuchasshe.Howbeit,theactivestepandeyeofthevigilantmatronconductedmepastthetwoprovincialgentlewomen(whosedignitywasruffledbythechildren),andintotheadjacentnursery.

Thereweremanybabieshere,andmorethanonehandsomeyoungmother.Therewereuglyyoungmothersalso,andsullenyoungmothers,andcallousyoungmothers.But,thebabieshadnotappropriatedtothemselvesanybadexpressionyet,andmighthavebeen,foranythingthatappearedtothecontraryintheirsoftfaces,PrincesImperial,andPrincessesRoyal.Ihadthepleasureofgivingapoeticalcommissiontothebaker’smantomakeacakewithalldespatchandtossitintotheovenforonered-headedyoungpauperandmyself,andfeltmuchthebetterforit.Withoutthatrefreshment,IdoubtifIshouldhavebeeninaconditionfor‘theRefractories,’towardswhommyquicklittlematron—forwhoseadaptationtoherofficeIhadbythistimeconceivedagenuinerespect—drewmenext,andmarshalledmethewaythatIwasgoing.

TheRefractorieswerepickingoakum,inasmallroomgivingonayard.Theysatinlineonaform,withtheirbackstoawindow;beforethem,atable,andtheirwork.TheoldestRefractorywas,saytwenty;youngestRefractory,saysixteen.Ihaveneveryetascertainedinthecourseofmyuncommercialtravels,whyaRefractoryhabitshouldaffectthetonsilsanduvula;but,IhavealwaysobservedthatRefractoriesofbothsexesandeverygrade,betweenaRaggedSchoolandtheOldBailey,haveonevoice,inwhichthetonsilsanduvulagainadiseasedascendency.

‘Fivepoundindeed!Ihain’tagoingfurtopickfivepound,’saidtheChiefoftheRefractories,keepingtimetoherselfwithherheadandchin.‘Morethanenoughtopickwhatwepicksnow,insichaplaceasthis,andonwotwegetshere!’

(Thiswasinacknowledgmentofadelicateintimationthattheamountofworkwaslikely

tobeincreased.Itcertainlywasnotheavythen,foroneRefractoryhadalreadydoneherday’stask—itwasbarelytwoo’clock—andwassittingbehindit,withaheadexactlymatchingit.)

‘AprettyOusethisis,matron,ain’tit?’saidRefractoryTwo,‘whereapleeseman’scalledin,ifagalsaysaword!’

‘Andwenyou’resenttoprisonfornothinkorless!’saidtheChief,tuggingatheroakumasifitwerethematron’shair.‘Butanyplaceisbetterthanthis;that’sonething,andbethankful!’

AlaughofRefractoriesledbyOakumHeadwithfoldedarms—whooriginatednothing,butwhowasincommandoftheskirmishersoutsidetheconversation.

‘Ifanyplaceisbetterthanthis,’saidmybriskguide,inthecalmestmanner,‘itisapityyouleftagoodplacewhenyouhadone.’

‘Ho,no,Ididn’t,matron,’returnedtheChief,withanotherpullatheroakum,andaveryexpressivelookattheenemy’sforehead.‘Don’tsaythat,matron,cosit’slies!’

OakumHeadbroughtuptheskirmishersagain,skirmished,andretired.

‘AndIwarn’tagoing,’exclaimedRefractoryTwo,‘thoughIwasinoneplaceforaslongasfouryear—Iwarn’tagoingfurtostopinaplacethatwarn’tfitforme—there!Andwherethefamilywarn’t’spectablecharacters—there!AndwhereIfortunatelyorhunfort’nately,foundthatthepeoplewarn’twhattheypretendedtomaketheirselvesouttobe—there!Andwhereitwasn’ttheirfaults,bychalks,ifIwarn’tmadebadandruinated—Hah!’

Duringthisspeech,OakumHeadhadagainmadeadiversionwiththeskirmishers,andhadagainwithdrawn.

TheUncommercialTravellerventuredtoremarkthathesupposedChiefRefractoryandNumberOne,tobethetwoyoungwomenwhohadbeentakenbeforethemagistrate?

‘Yes!’saidtheChief,‘wehar!andthewonderis,thatapleesemanan’t’adinnow,andwetookoffagen.Youcan’topenyourlipshere,withoutapleeseman.’

NumberTwolaughed(veryuvularly),andtheskirmishersfollowedsuit.

‘I’msureI’dbethankful,’protestedtheChief,lookingsidewaysattheUncommercial,‘ifIcouldbegotintoaplace,orgotabroad.I’msickandtiredofthispreciousOuse,Iam,withreason.’

Sowouldbe,andsowas,NumberTwo.Sowouldbe,andsowas,OakumHead.Sowouldbe,andsowere,Skirmishers.

TheUncommercialtookthelibertyofhintingthathehardlythoughtitprobablethatanyladyorgentlemaninwantofalikelyyoungdomesticofretiringmanners,wouldbetemptedintotheengagementofeitherofthetwoleadingRefractories,onherownpresentationofherselfaspersample.

‘Itain’tnogoodbeingnothinkelsehere,’saidtheChief.

TheUncommercialthoughtitmightbeworthtrying.

‘Ohnoitain’t,’saidtheChief.

‘Notabitofgood,’saidNumberTwo.

‘AndI’msureI’dbeverythankfultobegotintoaplace,orgotabroad,’saidtheChief.

‘AndsoshouldI,’saidNumberTwo.‘Trulythankful,Ishould.’

OakumHeadthenrose,andannouncedasanentirelynewidea,thementionofwhichprofoundnoveltymightbenaturallyexpectedtostartleherunpreparedhearers,thatshewouldbeverythankfultobegotintoaplace,orgotabroad.And,asifshehadthensaid,‘Chorus,ladies!’alltheSkirmishersstruckuptothesamepurpose.Weleftthem,thereupon,andbeganalongwalkamongthewomenwhoweresimplyoldandinfirm;butwhenever,inthecourseofthissamewalk,Ilookedoutofanyhighwindowthatcommandedtheyard,IsawOakumHeadandalltheotherRefractorieslookingoutattheirlowwindowforme,andneverfailingtocatchme,themomentIshowedmyhead.

IntenminutesIhadceasedtobelieveinsuchfablesofagoldentimeasyouth,theprimeoflife,orahaleoldage.Intenminutes,allthelightsofwomankindseemedtohavebeenblownout,andnothinginthatwaytobeleftthisvaulttobragof,buttheflickeringandexpiringsnuffs.

Andwhatwasverycurious,was,thatthesedimoldwomenhadonecompanynotionwhichwasthefashionoftheplace.Everyoldwomanwhobecameawareofavisitorandwasnotinbedhobbledoveraformintoheraccustomedseat,andbecameoneofalineofdimoldwomenconfrontinganotherlineofdimoldwomenacrossanarrowtable.Therewasnoobligationwhateveruponthemtorangethemselvesinthisway;itwastheirmannerof‘receiving.’Asarule,theymadenoattempttotalktooneanother,ortolookatthevisitor,ortolookatanything,butsatsilentlyworkingtheirmouths,likeasortofpooroldCows.Insomeofthesewards,itwasgoodtoseeafewgreenplants;inothers,anisolatedRefractoryactingasnurse,whodidwellenoughinthatcapacity,whenseparatedfromhercompeers;everyoneofthesewards,dayroom,nightroom,orbothcombined,wasscrupulouslycleanandfresh.Ihaveseenasmanysuchplacesasmosttravellersinmyline,andIneversawonesuch,betterkept.

Amongthebedriddentherewasgreatpatience,greatrelianceonthebooksunderthepillow,greatfaithinGOD.Allcaredforsympathy,butnonemuchcaredtobeencouragedwithhopeofrecovery;onthewhole,Ishouldsay,itwasconsideredratheradistinctiontohaveacomplicationofdisorders,andtobeinaworsewaythantherest.Fromsomeofthewindows,therivercouldbeseenwithallitslifeandmovement;thedaywasbright,butIcameuponnoonewhowaslookingout.

Inonelargeward,sittingbythefireinarm-chairsofdistinction,likethePresidentandViceofthegoodcompany,weretwooldwomen,upwardsofninetyyearsofage.Theyoungerofthetwo,justturnedninety,wasdeaf,butnotvery,andcouldeasilybemadetohear.Inherearlytimeshehadnursedachild,whowasnowanotheroldwoman,moreinfirmthanherself,inhabitingtheverysamechamber.Sheperfectlyunderstoodthiswhenthematrontoldit,and,withsundrynodsandmotionsofherforefinger,pointedoutthewomaninquestion.Theelderofthispair,ninety-three,seatedbeforeanillustratednewspaper(butnotreadingit),wasabright-eyedoldsoul,reallynotdeaf,wonderfullypreserved,andamazinglyconversational.Shehadnotlonglostherhusband,andhad

beeninthatplacelittlemorethanayear.AtBoston,intheStateofMassachusetts,thispoorcreaturewouldhavebeenindividuallyaddressed,wouldhavebeentendedinherownroom,andwouldhavehadherlifegentlyassimilatedtoacomfortablelifeoutofdoors.WouldthatbemuchtodoinEnglandforawomanwhohaskeptherselfoutofaworkhousemorethanninetyroughlongyears?WhenBritainfirst,atHeaven’scommand,arose,withagreatdealofallegoricalconfusion,fromouttheazuremain,didherguardianangelspositivelyforbiditintheCharterwhichhasbeensomuchbesung?

Theobjectofmyjourneywasaccomplishedwhenthenimblematronhadnomoretoshowme.AsIshookhandswithheratthegate,ItoldherthatIthoughtjusticehadnotusedherverywell,andthatthewisemenoftheEastwerenotinfallible.

Now,Ireasonedwithmyself,asImademyjourneyhomeagain,concerningthoseFoulwards.Theyoughtnottoexist;nopersonofcommondecencyandhumanitycanseethemanddoubtit.ButwhatisthisUniontodo?Thenecessaryalterationwouldcostseveralthousandsofpounds;ithasalreadytosupportthreeworkhouses;itsinhabitantsworkhardfortheirbarelives,andarealreadyratedforthereliefofthePoortotheutmostextentofreasonableendurance.OnepoorparishinthisveryUnionisratedtotheamountofFIVEANDSIXPENCEinthepound,attheverysametimewhentherichparishofSaintGeorge’s,Hanover-square,isratedataboutSEVENPENCEinthepound,PaddingtonataboutFOURPENCE,SaintJames’s,Westminster,ataboutTENPENCE!ItisonlythroughtheequalisationofPoorRatesthatwhatisleftundoneinthiswise,canbedone.Muchmoreisleftundone,orisill-done,thanIhavespacetosuggestinthesenotesofasingleuncommercialjourney;but,thewisemenoftheEast,beforetheycanreasonablyholdforthaboutit,mustlooktotheNorthandSouthandWest;letthemalso,anymorningbeforetakingtheseatofSolomon,lookintotheshopsanddwellingsallaroundtheTemple,andfirstaskthemselves‘howmuchmorecanthesepoorpeople—manyofwhomkeepthemselveswithdifficultyenoughoutoftheworkhouse—bear?’

IhadyetothermatterforreflectionasIjourneyedhome,inasmuchas,beforeIaltogetherdepartedfromtheneighbourhoodofMr.Baker’strap,IhadknockedatthegateoftheworkhouseofSt.George’s-in-the-East,andhadfoundittobeanestablishmenthighlycreditabletothoseparts,andthoroughlywelladministeredbyamostintelligentmaster.Iremarkedinit,aninstanceofthecollateralharmthatobstinatevanityandfollycando.‘ThiswastheHallwherethoseoldpaupers,maleandfemale,whomIhadjustseen,metfortheChurchservice,wasit?’—‘Yes.’—‘DidtheysingthePsalmstoanyinstrument?’—‘Theywouldliketo,verymuch;theywouldhaveanextraordinaryinterestindoingso.’—‘Andcouldnonebegot?’—‘Well,apianocouldevenhavebeengotfornothing,buttheseunfortunatedissensions—’Ah!better,farbetter,myChristianfriendinthebeautifulgarment,tohaveletthesingingboysalone,andleftthemultitudetosingforthemselves!YoushouldknowbetterthanI,butIthinkIhavereadthattheydidso,onceuponatime,andthat‘whentheyhadsunganhymn,’Someone(notinabeautifulgarment)wentupintotheMountofOlives.

Itmademyheartachetothinkofthismiserabletrifling,inthestreetsofacitywhereeverystoneseemedtocalltome,asIwalkedalong,‘Turnthisway,man,andseewhatwaitstobedone!’SoIdecoyedmyselfintoanothertrainofthoughttoeasemyheart.But,Idon’tknowthatIdidit,forIwassofullofpaupers,thatitwas,afterall,onlyachangetoasinglepauper,whotookpossessionofmyremembranceinsteadofathousand.

‘Ibegyourpardon,sir,’hehadsaid,inaconfidentialmanner,onanotheroccasion,takingmeaside;‘butIhaveseenbetterdays.’

‘Iamverysorrytohearit.’

‘Sir,Ihaveacomplainttomakeagainstthemaster.’

‘Ihavenopowerhere,Iassureyou.AndifIhad—’

‘But,allowme,sir,tomentionit,asbetweenyourselfandamanwhohasseenbetterdays,sir.Themasterandmyselfarebothmasons,sir,andImakehimthesigncontinually;but,becauseIaminthisunfortunateposition,sir,hewon’tgivemethecounter-sign!’

IVTWOVIEWSOFACHEAPTHEATRE

ASIshutthedoorofmylodgingbehindme,andcameoutintothestreetsatsixonadrizzlingSaturdayeveninginthelastpastmonthofJanuary,allthatneighbourhoodofCovent-gardenlookedverydesolate.Itissoessentiallyaneighbourhoodwhichhasseenbetterdays,thatbadweatheraffectsitsoonerthananotherplacewhichhasnotcomedownintheWorld.InitspresentreducedconditionitbearsathawalmostworsethananyplaceIknow.Itgetssodreadfullylow-spiritedwhendampbreaksforth.ThosewonderfulhousesaboutDrury-laneTheatre,whichinthepalmydaysoftheatreswereprosperousandlong-settledplacesofbusiness,andwhichnowchangehandseveryweek,butneverchangetheircharacterofbeingdividedandsub-dividedonthegroundfloorintomouldydensofshopswhereanorangeandhalf-a-dozennuts,orapomatum-pot,onecakeoffancysoap,andacigarbox,areofferedforsaleandneversold,weremostruefullycontemplatedthatevening,bythestatueofShakespeare,withtherain-dropscoursingoneanotherdownitsinnocentnose.Thoseinscrutablepigeon-holeoffices,withnothinginthem(notsomuchasaninkstand)butamodelofatheatrebeforethecurtain,where,intheItalianOperaseason,ticketsatreducedpricesarekeptonsalebynomadicgentlemeninsmearyhatstootallforthem,whomoneoccasionallyseemstohaveseenonrace-courses,notwhollyunconnectedwithstripsofclothofvariouscoloursandarollingball—thoseBedouinestablishments,desertedbythetribe,andtenantless,exceptwhenshelteringinonecorneranirregularrowofginger-beerbottles,whichwouldhavemadeoneshudderonsuchanight,butforitsbeingplainthattheyhadnothinginthem,shrunkfromtheshrillcriesofthenews-boysattheirExchangeinthekennelofCatherine-street,likeguiltythingsuponafearfulsummons.Atthepipe-shopinGreatRussell-street,theDeath’s-headpipeswereliketheatricalmementomori,admonishingbeholdersofthedeclineoftheplayhouseasanInstitution.IwalkedupBow-street,disposedtobeangrywiththeshopsthere,thatwerelettingouttheatricalsecretsbyexhibitingtowork-a-dayhumanitythestuffofwhichdiademsandrobesofkingsaremade.Inoticedthatsomeshopswhichhadoncebeeninthedramaticline,andhadstruggledoutofit,werenotgettingonprosperously—likesomeactorsIhaveknown,whotooktobusinessandfailedtomakeitanswer.Inaword,thosestreetslookedsodull,and,consideredastheatricalstreets,sobrokenandbankrupt,thattheFOUNDDEADontheblackboardatthepolicestationmighthaveannouncedthedeceaseoftheDrama,andthepoolsofwateroutsidethefire-enginemaker’satthecornerofLong-acremighthavebeenoccasionedbyhishavingbroughtoutthewholeofhisstocktoplayuponitslastsmoulderingashes.

Andyet,onsuchanightinsodegenerateatime,theobjectofmyjourneywastheatrical.AndyetwithinhalfanhourIwasinanimmensetheatre,capableofholdingnearlyfivethousandpeople.

WhatTheatre?HerMajesty’s?Farbetter.RoyalItalianOpera?Farbetter.Infinitelysuperiortothelatterforhearingin;infinitelysuperiortoboth,forseeingin.ToeverypartofthisTheatre,spaciousfire-proofwaysofingressandegress.Foreverypartofit,

convenientplacesofrefreshmentandretiringrooms.Everythingtoeatanddrinkcarefullysupervisedastoquality,andsoldatanappointedprice;respectablefemaleattendantsreadyforthecommonestwomenintheaudience;ageneralairofconsideration,decorum,andsupervision,mostcommendable;anunquestionablyhumanisinginfluenceinallthesocialarrangementsoftheplace.

SurelyadearTheatre,then?BecausetherewereinLondon(notverylongago)Theatreswithentrance-pricesuptohalf-a-guineaahead,whosearrangementswerenothalfsocivilised.Surely,therefore,adearTheatre?Notverydear.Agalleryatthree-pence,anothergalleryatfourpence,apitatsixpence,boxesandpit-stallsatashilling,andafewprivateboxesathalf-a-crown.

Myuncommercialcuriosityinducedmetogointoeverynookofthisgreatplace,andamongeveryclassoftheaudienceassembledinit—amountingthatevening,asIcalculated,toabouttwothousandandoddhundreds.Magnificentlylightedbyafirmamentofsparklingchandeliers,thebuildingwasventilatedtoperfection.Mysenseofsmell,withoutbeingparticularlydelicate,hasbeensooffendedinsomeofthecommonerplacesofpublicresort,thatIhaveoftenbeenobligedtoleavethemwhenIhavemadeanuncommercialjourneyexpresslytolookon.TheairofthisTheatrewasfresh,cool,andwholesome.Tohelptowardsthisend,verysensibleprecautionshadbeenused,ingeniouslycombiningtheexperienceofhospitalsandrailwaystations.Asphaltpavementssubstitutedforwoodenfloors,honestbarewallsofglazedbrickandtile—evenatthebackoftheboxes—forplasterandpaper,nobenchesstuffed,andnocarpetingorbaizeused;acoolmaterialwithalightglazedsurface,beingthecoveringoftheseats.

ThesevariouscontrivancesareaswellconsideredintheplaceinquestionasifitwereaFeverHospital;theresultis,thatitissweetandhealthful.Ithasbeenconstructedfromthegroundtotheroof,withacarefulreferencetosightandsoundineverycorner;theresultis,thatitsformisbeautiful,andthattheappearanceoftheaudience,asseenfromtheproscenium—witheveryfaceinitcommandingthestage,andthewholesoadmirably

rakedandturnedtothatcentre,thatahandcanscarcelymoveinthegreatassemblagewithoutthemovementbeingseenfromthence—ishighlyremarkableinitsunionofvastnesswithcompactness.Thestageitself,andallitsappurtenancesofmachinery,cellarage,heightandbreadth,areonascalemoreliketheScalaatMilan,ortheSanCarloatNaples,ortheGrandOperaatParis,thananynotionastrangerwouldbelikelytoformoftheBritanniaTheatreatHoxton,amilenorthofSt.Luke’sHospitalintheOld-street-road,London.TheFortyThievesmightbeplayedhere,andeverythiefridehisrealhorse,andthedisguisedcaptainbringinhisoiljarsonatrainofrealcamels,andnobodybeputoutoftheway.Thisreallyextraordinaryplaceistheachievementofoneman’senterprise,andwaserectedontheruinsofaninconvenientoldbuildinginlessthanfivemonths,ataroundcostoffive-and-twentythousandpounds.Todismissthispartofmysubject,andstilltorendertotheproprietorthecreditthatisstrictlyhisdue,Imustaddthathissenseoftheresponsibilityuponhimtomakethebestofhisaudience,andtodohisbestforthem,isahighlyagreeablesignofthesetimes.

Asthespectatorsatthistheatre,forareasonIwillpresentlyshow,weretheobjectofmyjourney,Ienteredontheplayofthenightasoneofthetwothousandandoddhundreds,bylookingaboutmeatmyneighbours.Wewereamotleyassemblageofpeople,andwehadagoodmanyboysandyoungmenamongus;wehadalsomanygirlsandyoungwomen.Torepresent,however,thatwedidnotincludeaverygreatnumber,andaveryfairproportionoffamilygroups,wouldbetomakeagrossmis-statement.Suchgroupsweretobeseeninallpartsofthehouse;intheboxesandstallsparticularly,theywerecomposedofpersonsofverydecentappearance,whohadmanychildrenwiththem.Amongourdressesthereweremostkindsofshabbyandgreasywear,andmuchfustianandcorduroythatwasneithersoundnorfragrant.Thecapsofouryoungmenweremostlyofalimpcharacter,andwewhoworethem,slouched,high-shouldered,intoourplaceswithourhandsinourpockets,andoccasionallytwistedourcravatsaboutourneckslikeeels,andoccasionallytiedthemdownourbreastslikelinksofsausages,andoccasionallyhadascrewinourhairovereachcheek-bonewithaslightThief-flavourinit.Besidesprowlersandidlers,weweremechanics,dock-labourers,costermongers,pettytradesmen,smallclerks,milliners,stay-makers,shoe-binders,slop-workers,poorworkersinahundredhighwaysandbyways.Manyofus—onthewhole,themajority—werenotatallclean,andnotatallchoiceinourlivesorconversation.Butwehadallcometogetherinaplacewhereourconveniencewaswellconsulted,andwherewewerewelllookedafter,toenjoyanevening’sentertainmentincommon.Wewerenotgoingtoloseanypartofwhatwehadpaidforthroughanybody’scaprice,andasacommunitywehadacharactertolose.So,wewerecloselyattentive,andkeptexcellentorder;andletthemanorboywhodidotherwiseinstantlygetoutfromthisplace,orwewouldputhimoutwiththegreatestexpedition.

Webeganathalf-pastsixwithapantomime—withapantomimesolong,thatbeforeitwasoverIfeltasifIhadbeentravellingforsixweeks—goingtoIndia,say,bytheOverlandMail.TheSpiritofLibertywastheprincipalpersonageintheIntroduction,andtheFourQuartersoftheWorldcameoutoftheglobe,glittering,anddiscoursedwiththeSpirit,whosangcharmingly.Weweredelightedtounderstandthattherewasnolibertyanywherebutamongourselves,andwehighlyapplaudedtheagreeablefact.Inanallegoricalway,whichdidaswellasanyotherway,weandtheSpiritofLibertygotintoa

kingdomofNeedlesandPins,andfoundthematwarwithapotentatewhocalledintohisaidtheiroldarchenemyRust,andwhowouldhavegotthebetterofthemiftheSpiritofLibertyhadnotinthenickoftimetransformedtheleadersintoClown,Pantaloon,Harlequin,Columbine,Harlequina,andawholefamilyofSprites,consistingofaremarkablystoutfatherandthreespinelesssons.WeallknewwhatwascomingwhentheSpiritofLibertyaddressedthekingwithabigface,andHisMajestybackedtotheside-scenesandbeganuntyinghimselfbehind,withhisbigfaceallononeside.Ourexcitementatthatcrisiswasgreat,andourdelightunbounded.Afterthiserainourexistence,wewentthroughalltheincidentsofapantomime;itwasnotbyanymeansasavagepantomime,inthewayofburningorboilingpeople,orthrowingthemoutofwindow,orcuttingthemup;wasoftenverydroll;wasalwaysliberallygotup,andcleverlypresented.Inoticedthatthepeoplewhokepttheshops,andwhorepresentedthepassengersinthethoroughfares,andsoforth,hadnoconventionalityinthem,butwereunusuallyliketherealthing—fromwhichIinferthatyoumaytakethataudiencein(ifyouwishto)concerningKnightsandLadies,Fairies,Angels,orsuchlike,buttheyarenottobedoneastoanythinginthestreets.Inoticed,also,thatwhentwoyoungmen,dressedinexactimitationoftheeel-and-sausage-cravatedportionoftheaudience,werechasedbypolicemen,and,findingthemselvesindangerofbeingcaught,droppedsosuddenlyastoobligethepolicementotumbleoverthem,therewasgreatrejoicingamongthecaps—asthoughitwereadelicatereferencetosomethingtheyhadheardofbefore.

ThePantomimewassucceededbyaMelo-Drama.ThroughouttheeveningIwaspleasedtoobserveVirtuequiteastriumphantassheusuallyisoutofdoors,andindeedIthoughtrathermoreso.Weallagreed(forthetime)thathonestywasthebestpolicy,andwewereashardasironuponVice,andwewouldn’thearofVillainygettingonintheworld—no,notonanyconsiderationwhatever.

Betweenthepieces,wealmostallofuswentoutandrefreshed.Manyofuswentthelengthofdrinkingbeeratthebaroftheneighbouringpublic-house,someofusdrankspirits,crowdsofushadsandwichesandginger-beerattherefreshment-barsestablishedforusintheTheatre.Thesandwich—assubstantialaswasconsistentwithportability,andascheapaspossible—wehailedasoneofourgreatestinstitutions.Itforceditswayamongusatallstagesoftheentertainment,andwewerealwaysdelightedtoseeit;itsadaptabilitytothevaryingmoodsofournaturewassurprising;wecouldneverweepsocomfortablyaswhenourtearsfellonoursandwich;wecouldneverlaughsoheartilyaswhenwechokedwithsandwich;VirtueneverlookedsobeautifulorVicesodeformedaswhenwepaused,sandwichinhand,toconsiderwhatwouldcomeofthatresolutionofWickednessinboots,toseverInnocenceinfloweredchintzfromHonestIndustryinstripedstockings.Whenthecurtainfellforthenight,westillfellbackuponsandwich,tohelpusthroughtherainandmire,andhometobed.

This,asIhavementioned,wasSaturdaynight.BeingSaturdaynight,Ihadaccomplishedbutthehalfofmyuncommercialjourney;for,itsobjectwastocomparetheplayonSaturdayeveningwiththepreachinginthesameTheatreonSundayevening.

Therefore,atthesamehourofhalf-pastsixonthesimilarlydampandmuddySundayevening,IreturnedtothisTheatre.Idroveuptotheentrance(fearfulofbeinglate,orIshouldhavecomeonfoot),andfoundmyselfinalargecrowdofpeoplewho,Iamhappy

tostate,wereputintoexcellentspiritsbymyarrival.Havingnothingtolookatbutthemudandthecloseddoors,theylookedatme,andhighlyenjoyedthecomicspectacle.Mymodestyinducingmetodrawoff,somehundredsofyards,intoadarkcorner,theyatonceforgotme,andappliedthemselvestotheirformeroccupationoflookingatthemudandlookinginatthecloseddoors:which,beingofgratedironwork,allowedthelightedpassagewithintobeseen.Theywerechieflypeopleofrespectableappearance,oddandimpulsiveasmostcrowdsare,andmakingajokeofbeingthereasmostcrowdsdo.

InthedarkcornerImighthavesatalongwhile,butthataveryobligingpasser-byinformedmethattheTheatrewasalreadyfull,andthatthepeoplewhomIsawinthestreetwereallshutoutforwantofroom.Afterthat,Ilostnotimeinwormingmyselfintothebuilding,andcreepingtoaplaceinaProsceniumboxthathadbeenkeptforme.

Theremusthavebeenfullfourthousandpeoplepresent.Carefullyestimatingthepitalone,Icouldbringitoutasholdinglittlelessthanfourteenhundred.Everypartofthehousewaswellfilled,andIhadnotfounditeasytomakemywayalongthebackoftheboxestowhereIsat.Thechandeliersintheceilingwerelighted;therewasnolightonthestage;theorchestrawasempty.Thegreencurtainwasdown,and,packedprettycloselyonchairsonthesmallspaceofstagebeforeit,weresomethirtygentlemen,andtwoorthreeladies.Inthecentreofthese,inadeskorpulpitcoveredwithredbaize,wasthepresidingminister.Thekindofrostrumheoccupiedwillbeverywellunderstood,ifIlikenittoaboarded-upfireplaceturnedtowardstheaudience,withagentlemaninablacksurtoutstandinginthestoveandleaningforwardoverthemantelpiece.

AportionofScripturewasbeingreadwhenIwentin.Itwasfollowedbyadiscourse,towhichthecongregationlistenedwithmostexemplaryattentionanduninterruptedsilenceanddecorum.Myownattentioncomprehendedboththeauditoryandthespeaker,andshallturntobothinthisrecallingofthescene,exactlyasitdidatthetime.

‘Averydifficultthing,’Ithought,whenthediscoursebegan,‘tospeakappropriatelytosolargeanaudience,andtospeakwithtact.Withoutit,betternottospeakatall.Infinitelybetter,toreadtheNewTestamentwell,andtoletthatspeak.Inthiscongregationthereisindubitablyonepulse;butIdoubtifanypowershortofgeniuscantouchitasone,andmakeitanswerasone.’

Icouldnotpossiblysaytomyselfasthediscourseproceeded,thattheministerwasagoodspeaker.Icouldnotpossiblysaytomyselfthatheexpressedanunderstandingofthegeneralmindandcharacterofhisaudience.Therewasasupposititiousworking-manintroducedintothehomily,tomakesupposititiousobjectionstoourChristianreligionandbereasoneddown,whowasnotonlyaverydisagreeableperson,butremarkablyunlikelife—verymuchmoreunlikeitthananythingIhadseeninthepantomime.Thenativeindependenceofcharacterthisartisanwassupposedtopossess,wasrepresentedbyasuggestionofadialectthatIcertainlyneverheardinmyuncommercialtravels,andwithacoarseswingofvoiceandmanneranythingbutagreeabletohisfeelings,Ishouldconceive,consideredinthelightofaportrait,andasfarawayfromthefactasaChineseTartar.Therewasamodelpauperintroducedinlikemanner,whoappearedtometobethemostintolerablyarrogantpaupereverrelieved,andtoshowhimselfinabsolutewantanddirenecessityofacourseofStoneYard.For,howdidthispaupertestifytohishavingreceivedthegospelofhumility?Agentlemanmethimintheworkhouse,andsaid(which

Imyselfreallythoughtgood-naturedofhim),‘Ah,John?Iamsorrytoseeyouhere.Iamsorrytoseeyousopoor.’‘Poor,sir!’repliedthatman,drawinghimselfup,‘IamthesonofaPrince!MyfatheristheKingofKings.MyfatheristheLordofLords.MyfatheristherulerofallthePrincesoftheEarth!’&c.Andthiswaswhatallthepreacher’sfellow-sinnersmightcometo,iftheywouldembracethisblessedbook—whichImustsayitdidsomeviolencetomyownfeelingsofreverence,toseeheldoutatarm’slengthatfrequentintervalsandsoundinglyslapped,likeaslowlotatasale.Now,couldIhelpaskingmyselfthequestion,whetherthemechanicbeforeme,whomustdetectthepreacherasbeingwrongaboutthevisiblemannerofhimselfandthelikeofhimself,andaboutsuchanoisylip-serverasthatpauper,mightnot,mostunhappilyfortheusefulnessoftheoccasion,doubtthatpreacher’sbeingrightaboutthingsnotvisibletohumansenses?

Again.Isitnecessaryoradvisabletoaddresssuchanaudiencecontinuallyas‘fellow-sinners’?Isitnotenoughtobefellow-creatures,bornyesterday,sufferingandstrivingto-day,dyingto-morrow?Byourcommonhumanity,mybrothersandsisters,byourcommoncapacitiesforpainandpleasure,byourcommonlaughterandourcommontears,byourcommonaspirationtoreachsomethingbetterthanourselves,byourcommontendencytobelieveinsomethinggood,andtoinvestwhateverweloveorwhateverwelosewithsomequalitiesthataresuperiortoourownfailingsandweaknessesasweknowtheminourownpoorhearts—bythese,Hearme!—Surely,itisenoughtobefellow-creatures.Surely,itincludestheotherdesignation,andsometouchingmeaningsoverandabove.

Again.Therewasapersonageintroducedintothediscourse(notanabsolutenovelty,tothebestofmyremembranceofmyreading),whohadbeenpersonallyknowntothepreacher,andhadbeenquiteaCrichtoninallthewaysofphilosophy,buthadbeenaninfidel.Manyatimehadthepreachertalkedwithhimonthatsubject,andmanyatimehadhefailedtoconvincethatintelligentman.Buthefellill,anddied,andbeforehediedherecordedhisconversion—inwordswhichthepreacherhadtakendown,myfellow-sinners,andwouldreadtoyoufromthispieceofpaper.Imustconfessthattome,asoneofanuninstructedaudience,theydidnotappearparticularlyedifying.Ithoughttheirtoneextremelyselfish,andIthoughttheyhadaspiritualvanityinthemwhichwasofthebefore-mentionedrefractorypauper’sfamily.

Allslangsandtwangsareobjectionableeverywhere,buttheslangandtwangoftheconventicle—asbadinitswayasthatoftheHouseofCommons,andnothingworsecanbesaidofit—shouldbestudiouslyavoidedundersuchcircumstancesasIdescribe.Theavoidancewasnotcompleteonthisoccasion.Norwasitquiteagreeabletoseethepreacheraddressinghispet‘points’tohisbackersonthestage,asifappealingtothosedisciplestoshowhimup,andtestifytothemultitudethateachofthosepointswasaclincher.

But,inrespectofthelargeChristianityofhisgeneraltone;ofhisrenunciationofallpriestlyauthority;ofhisearnestandreiteratedassurancetothepeoplethatthecommonestamongthemcouldworkouttheirownsalvationiftheywould,bysimply,lovingly,anddutifullyfollowingOurSaviour,andthattheyneededthemediationofnoerringman;intheseparticulars,thisgentlemandeservedallpraise.Nothingcouldbebetterthanthespirit,ortheplainemphaticwordsofhisdiscourseintheserespects.Anditwasamost

significantandencouragingcircumstancethatwheneverhestruckthatchord,orwheneverhedescribedanythingwhichChristhimselfhaddone,thearrayoffacesbeforehimwasverymuchmoreearnest,andverymuchmoreexpressiveofemotion,thanatanyothertime.

Andnow,Iambroughttothefact,thatthelowestpartoftheaudienceofthepreviousnight,wasnotthere.Thereisnodoubtaboutit.Therewasnosuchthinginthatbuilding,thatSundayevening.Ihavebeentoldsince,thatthelowestpartoftheaudienceoftheVictoriaTheatrehasbeenattractedtoitsSundayservices.Ihavebeenverygladtohearit,butonthisoccasionofwhichIwrite,thelowestpartoftheusualaudienceoftheBritanniaTheatre,decidedlyandunquestionablystayedaway.WhenIfirsttookmyseatandlookedatthehouse,mysurpriseatthechangeinitsoccupantswasasgreatasmydisappointment.Tothemostrespectableclassofthepreviousevening,wasaddedagreatnumberofrespectablestrangersattractedbycuriosity,anddraftsfromtheregularcongregationsofvariouschapels.Itwasimpossibletofailinidentifyingthecharacteroftheselast,andtheywereverynumerous.Icameoutinastrong,slowtideofthemsettingfromtheboxes.Indeed,whilethediscoursewasinprogress,therespectablecharacteroftheauditorywassomanifestintheirappearance,thatwhentheministeraddressedasupposititious‘outcast,’onereallyfeltalittleimpatientofit,asafigureofspeechnotjustifiedbyanythingtheeyecoulddiscover.

Thetimeappointedfortheconclusionoftheproceedingswaseighto’clock.Theaddresshavinglasteduntilfullthattime,anditbeingthecustomtoconcludewithahymn,thepreacherintimatedinafewsensiblewordsthattheclockhadstruckthehour,andthatthosewhodesiredtogobeforethehymnwassung,couldgonow,withoutgivingoffence.Noonestirred.Thehymnwasthensung,ingoodtimeandtuneandunison,anditseffectwasverystriking.Acomprehensivebenevolentprayerdismissedthethrong,andinsevenoreightminutestherewasnothingleftintheTheatrebutalightcloudofdust.

ThattheseSundaymeetingsinTheatresaregoodthings,Idonotdoubt.NordoIdoubtthattheywillworklowerandlowerdowninthesocialscale,ifthosewhopresideoverthemwillbeverycarefulontwoheads:firstly,nottodisparagetheplacesinwhichtheyspeak,ortheintelligenceoftheirhearers;secondly,nottosetthemselvesinantagonismtothenaturalinborndesireofthemassofmankindtorecreatethemselvesandtobeamused.

Thereisathirdhead,takingprecedenceofallothers,towhichmyremarksonthediscourseIheard,havetended.IntheNewTestamentthereisthemostbeautifulandaffectinghistoryconceivablebyman,andtherearethetersemodelsforallprayerandforallpreaching.Astothemodels,imitatethem,Sundaypreachers—elsewhyaretheythere,consider?Astothehistory,tellit.Somepeoplecannotread,somepeoplewillnotread,manypeople(thisespeciallyholdsamongtheyoungandignorant)findithardtopursuetheverse-forminwhichthebookispresentedtothem,andimaginethatthosebreaksimplygapsandwantofcontinuity.Helpthemoverthatfirststumbling-block,bysettingforththehistoryinnarrative,withnofearofexhaustingit.Youwillneverpreachsowell,youwillnevermovethemsoprofoundly,youwillneversendthemawaywithhalfsomuchtothinkof.Whichisthebetterinterest:Christ’schoiceoftwelvepoormentohelpinthosemercifulwondersamongthepoorandrejected;orthepiousbullyingofawholeUnion-fullofpaupers?Whatisyourchangedphilosophertowretchedme,peepinginat

thedooroutofthemudofthestreetsandofmylife,whenyouhavethewidow’ssontotellmeabout,theruler’sdaughter,theotherfigureatthedoorwhenthebrotherofthetwosisterswasdead,andoneofthetworantothemourner,crying,‘TheMasteriscomeandcallethforthee’?—Letthepreacherwhowillthoroughlyforgethimselfandremembernoindividualitybutone,andnoeloquencebutone,standupbeforefourthousandmenandwomenattheBritanniaTheatreanySundaynight,recountingthatnarrativetothemasfellowcreatures,andheshallseeasight!

VPOORMERCANTILEJACK

IsthesweetlittlecherubwhositssmilingaloftandkeepswatchonlifeofpoorJack,commissionedtotakechargeofMercantileJack,aswellasJackofthenationalnavy?Ifnot,whois?Whatisthecherubabout,andwhatareweallabout,whenpoorMercantileJackishavinghisbrainsslowlyknockedoutbypenny-weights,aboardthebrigBeelzebub,orthebarqueBowie-knife—whenhelookshislastatthatinfernalcraft,withthefirstofficer’sironboot-heelinhisremainingeye,orwithhisdyingbodytowedoverboardintheship’swake,whilethecruelwoundsinitdo‘themultitudinousseasincarnadine’?

Isitunreasonabletoentertainabeliefthatif,aboardthebrigBeelzebuborthebarqueBowie-knife,thefirstofficerdidhalfthedamagetocottonthathedoestomen,therewouldpresentlyarisefrombothsidesoftheAtlanticsovociferousaninvocationofthesweetlittlecherubwhositscalculatingaloft,keepingwatchonthemarketsthatpay,thatsuchvigilantcherubwould,withawingedsword,havethatgallantofficer’sorganofdestructivenessoutofhisheadinthespaceofaflashoflightning?

Ifitbeunreasonable,thenamIthemostunreasonableofmen,forIbelieveitwithallmysoul.

ThiswasmythoughtasIwalkedthedock-quaysatLiverpool,keepingwatchonpoorMercantileJack.Alasforme!Ihavelongoutgrownthestateofsweetlittlecherub;butthereIwas,andthereMercantileJackwas,andverybusyhewas,andverycoldhewas:thesnowyetlyinginthefrozenfurrowsoftheland,andthenorth-eastwindssnippingoffthetopsofthelittlewavesintheMersey,androllingthemintohailstonestopelthimwith.MercantileJackwashardatit,inthehardweather:ashemostlyisinallweathers,poorJack.Hewasgirdedtoships’mastsandfunnelsofsteamers,likeaforestertoagreatoak,scrapingandpainting;hewaslyingoutonyards,furlingsailsthattriedtobeathimoff;hewasdimlydiscernibleupinaworldofgiantcobwebs,reefingandsplicing;hewasfaintlyaudibledowninholds,stowingandunshippingcargo;hewaswindingroundandroundatcapstansmelodious,monotonous,anddrunk;hewasofadiabolicalaspect,withcoalingfortheAntipodes;hewaswashingdecksbarefoot,withthebreastofhisredshirtopentotheblast,thoughitwassharperthantheknifeinhisleatherngirdle;hewaslookingoverbulwarks,alleyesandhair;hewasstandingbyattheshootoftheCunardsteamer,offto-morrow,asthestocksintradeofseveralbutchers,poulterers,andfishmongers,poureddownintotheice-house;hewascomingaboardofothervessels,withhiskitinatarpaulinbag,attendedbyplundererstotheverylastmomentofhisshore-goingexistence.Asthoughhissenses,whenreleasedfromtheuproaroftheelements,wereunderobligationtobeconfusedbyotherturmoil,therewasarattlingofwheels,aclatteringofhoofs,aclashingofiron,ajoltingofcottonandhidesandcasksandtimber,anincessantdeafeningdisturbanceonthequays,thatwastheverymadnessofsound.Andas,inthemidstofit,hestoodswayingabout,withhishairblownallmannerofwildways,rathercrazedlytakingleaveofhisplunderers,alltherigginginthedockswasshrill

inthewind,andeverylittlesteamercomingandgoingacrosstheMerseywassharpinitsblowingoff,andeverybuoyintheriverbobbedspitefullyupanddown,asiftherewereageneraltauntingchorusof‘Comealong,MercantileJack!Ill-lodged,ill-fed,ill-used,hocussed,entrapped,anticipated,cleanedout.Comealong,PoorMercantileJack,andbetempest-tossedtillyouaredrowned!’

TheuncommercialtransactionwhichhadbroughtmeandJacktogether,wasthis:—IhadenteredtheLiverpoolpoliceforce,thatImighthavealookatthevariousunlawfultrapswhichareeverynightsetforJack.Asmytermofserviceinthatdistinguishedcorpswasshort,andasmypersonalbiasinthecapacityofoneofitsmembershasceased,nosuspicionwillattachtomyevidencethatitisanadmirableforce.Besidesthatitiscomposed,withoutfavour,ofthebestmenthatcanbepicked,itisdirectedbyanunusualintelligence.ItsorganisationagainstFires,Itaketobemuchbetterthanthemetropolitansystem,andinallrespectsittempersitsremarkablevigilancewithastillmoreremarkablediscretion.

Jackhadknockedoffworkinthedockssomehours,andIhadtaken,forpurposesofidentification,aphotograph-likenessofathief,intheportrait-roomatourheadpoliceoffice(onthewhole,heseemedrathercomplimentedbytheproceeding),andIhadbeenonpoliceparade,andthesmallhandoftheclockwasmovingontoten,whenItookupmylanterntofollowMr.SuperintendenttothetrapsthatweresetforJack.InMr.SuperintendentIsaw,asanybodymight,atall,well-looking,well-set-upmanofasoldierlybearing,withacavalryair,agoodchest,andaresolutebutnotbyanymeansungentleface.Hecarriedinhishandaplainblackwalking-stickofhardwood;andwheneverandwherever,atanyafter-timeofthenight,hestruckitonthepavementwitharingingsound,itinstantlyproducedawhistleoutofthedarkness,andapoliceman.Tothisremarkablestick,IreferanairofmysteryandmagicwhichpervadedthewholeofmyperquisitionamongthetrapsthatweresetforJack.

Webeganbydivingintotheobscureststreetsandlanesoftheport.Suddenlypausinginaflowofcheerfuldiscourse,beforeadeadwall,apparentlysometenmileslong,Mr.Superintendentstruckupontheground,andthewallopenedandshotout,withmilitarysaluteofhandtotemple,twopolicemen—notintheleastsurprisedthemselves,notintheleastsurprisingMr.Superintendent.

‘Allright,Sharpeye?’

‘Allright,sir.’

‘Allright,Trampfoot?’

‘Allright,sir.’

‘IsQuickearthere?’

‘HereamI,sir.’

‘Comewithus.’

‘Yes,sir.’

So,Sharpeyewentbefore,andMr.SuperintendentandIwentnext,andTrampfootandQuickearmarchedasrear-guard.Sharp-eye,Isoonhadoccasiontoremark,hadaskilful

andquiteprofessionalwayofopeningdoors—touchedlatchesdelicately,asiftheywerekeysofmusicalinstruments—openedeverydoorhetouched,asifhewereperfectlyconfidentthattherewasstolenpropertybehindit—instantlyinsinuatedhimself,topreventitsbeingshut.

SharpeyeopenedseveraldoorsoftrapsthatweresetforJack,butJackdidnothappentobeinanyofthem.Theywereallsuchmiserableplacesthatreally,Jack,ifIwereyou,Iwouldgivethemawiderberth.Ineverytrap,somebodywassittingoverafire,waitingforJack.Now,itwasacrouchingoldwoman,likethepictureoftheNorwoodGipsyintheoldsixpennydream-books;now,itwasacrimpofthemalesex,inacheckedshirtandwithoutacoat,readinganewspaper;now,itwasamancrimpandawomancrimp,whoalwaysintroducedthemselvesasunitedinholymatrimony;now,itwasJack’sdelight,his(un)lovelyNan;buttheywereallwaitingforJack,andwereallfrightfullydisappointedtoseeus.

‘Whohaveyougotup-stairshere?’saysSharpeye,generally.(IntheMove-ontone.)

‘Nobody,surr;surenotablessedsowl!’(Irishfemininereply.)

‘Whatdoyoumeanbynobody?Didn’tIhearawoman’sstepgoup-stairswhenmyhandwasonthelatch?’

‘Ah!surethinyou’reright,surr,Iforgother!’Tison’yBetsyWhite,surr.Ah!youknowBetsy,surr.Comedown,Betsydarlin’,andsaythegintlemin.’

Generally,Betsylooksoverthebanisters(thesteepstaircaseisintheroom)withaforcibleexpressioninherprotestingface,ofanintentiontocompensateherselfforthepresenttrialbygrindingJackfinerthanusualwhenhedoescome.Generally,SharpeyeturnstoMr.Superintendent,andsays,asifthesubjectsofhisremarkswerewax-work:

‘Oneoftheworst,sir,thishouseis.Thiswomanhasbeenindictedthreetimes.Thisman’saregularbadonelikewise.HisrealnameisPegg.GiveshimselfoutasWaterhouse.’

‘NeverhadsitchanameasPeggnearmeback,thin,sinceIwasinthishouse,beethegoodLard!’saysthewoman.

Generally,themansaysnothingatall,butbecomesexceedinglyround-shouldered,andpretendstoreadhispaperwithraptattention.Generally,Sharpeyedirectsourobservationwithalook,totheprintsandpicturesthatareinvariablynumerousonthewalls.Always,TrampfootandQuickeararetakingnoticeonthedoorstep.IndefaultofSharpeyebeingacquaintedwiththeexactindividualityofanygentlemanencountered,oneofthesetwoissuretoproclaimfromtheouterair,likeagruffspectre,thatJacksonisnotJackson,butknowshimselftobeFogle;orthatCanlonisWalker’sbrother,againstwhomtherewasnotsufficientevidence;orthatthemanwhosaysheneverwasatseasincehewasaboy,cameashorefromavoyagelastThursday,orsailsto-morrowmorning.‘Andthatisabadclassofman,yousee,’saysMr.Superintendent,whenhegotoutintothedarkagain,‘andverydifficulttodealwith,who,whenhehasmadethisplacetoohottoholdhim,entershimselfforavoyageasstewardorcook,andisoutofknowledgeformonths,andthenturnsupagainworsethanever.’

Whenwehadgoneintomanysuchhouses,andhadcomeout(alwaysleavingeverybody

relapsingintowaitingforJack),westartedofftoasinging-housewhereJackwasexpectedtomusterstrong.

Thevocalisationwastakingplaceinalonglowroomup-stairs;atoneend,anorchestraoftwoperformers,andasmallplatform;acrosstheroom,aseriesofopenpewsforJack,withanaisledownthemiddle;attheotherendalargerpewthantherest,entitledSNUG,andreservedformatesandsimilargoodcompany.Abouttheroom,someamazingcoffee-colouredpicturesvarnishedaninchdeep,andsomestuffedcreaturesincases;dottedamongtheaudience,inSungandoutofSnug,the‘Professionals;’amongthem,thecelebratedcomicfavouriteMr.BanjoBones,lookingveryhideouswithhisblackenedfaceandlimpsugar-loafhat;besidehim,sippingrum-and-water,Mrs.BanjoBones,inhernaturalcolours—alittleheightened.

ItwasaFridaynight,andFridaynightwasconsiderednotagoodnightforJack.Atanyrate,Jackdidnotshowinverygreatforceevenhere,thoughthehousewasonetowhichhemuchresorts,andwhereagooddealofmoneyistaken.TherewasBritishJack,alittlemaudlinandsleepy,lollingoverhisemptyglass,asifheweretryingtoreadhisfortuneatthebottom;therewasLoafingJackoftheStarsandStripes,ratheranunpromisingcustomer,withhislongnose,lankcheek,highcheek-bones,andnothingsoftabouthimbuthiscabbage-leafhat;therewasSpanishJack,withcurlsofblackhair,ringsinhisears,andaknifenotfarfromhishand,ifyougotintotroublewithhim;therewereMalteseJack,andJackofSweden,andJacktheFinn,loomingthroughthesmokeoftheirpipes,andturningfacesthatlookedasiftheywerecarvedoutofdarkwood,towardstheyoungladydancingthehornpipe:whofoundtheplatformsoexceedinglysmallforit,thatIhadanervousexpectationofseeingher,inthebackwardsteps,disappearthroughthewindow.Still,ifallhandshadbeengottogether,theywouldnothavemorethanhalf-filledtheroom.Observe,however,saidMr.LicensedVictualler,thehost,thatitwasFridaynight,and,besides,itwasgettingonfortwelve,andJackhadgoneaboard.Asharpandwatchfulman,Mr.LicensedVictualler,thehost,withtightlipsandacompleteeditionofCocker’sarithmeticineacheye.Attendedtohisbusinesshimself,hesaid.Alwaysonthespot.Whenheheardoftalent,trustednobody’saccountofit,butwentoffbyrailtoseeit.Iftruetalent,engagedit.Poundsaweekfortalent—fourpound—fivepound.BanjoBoneswasundoubtedtalent.Hearthisinstrumentthatwasgoingtoplay—itwasrealtalent!Intruthitwasverygood;akindofpiano-accordion,playedbyayounggirlofadelicateprettinessofface,figure,anddress,thatmadetheaudiencelookcoarser.Shesangtotheinstrument,too;first,asongaboutvillagebells,andhowtheychimed;thenasongabouthowIwenttosea;windingupwithanimitationofthebagpipes,whichMercantileJackseemedtounderstandmuchthebest.Agoodgirl,saidMr.LicensedVictualler.Keptherselfselect.SatinSnug,notlisteningtotheblandishmentsofMates.Livedwithmother.Fatherdead.Onceamerchantwelltodo,butover-speculatedhimself.Ondelicateinquiryastosalarypaidforitemoftalentunderconsideration,Mr.Victualler’spoundsdroppedsuddenlytoshillings—stillitwasaverycomfortablethingforayoungpersonlikethat,youknow;sheonlywentonsixtimesanight,andwasonlyrequiredtobetherefromsixatnighttotwelve.Whatwasmoreconclusivewas,Mr.Victualler’sassurancethathe‘neverallowedanylanguage,andneversufferedanydisturbance.’Sharpeyeconfirmedthestatement,andtheorderthatprevailedwasthebestproofofitthatcouldhavebeencited.So,IcametotheconclusionthatpoorMercantile

Jackmightdo(asIamafraidhedoes)muchworsethantrusthimselftoMr.Victualler,andpasshiseveningshere.

Butwehadnotyetlooked,Mr.Superintendent—saidTrampfoot,receivingusinthestreetagainwithmilitarysalute—forDarkJack.True,Trampfoot.Ringthewonderfulstick,rubthewonderfullantern,andcausethespiritsofthestickandlanterntoconveyustotheDarkies.

TherewasnodisappointmentinthematterofDarkJack;hewasproducible.TheGeniisetusdowninthelittlefirstfloorofalittlepublic-house,andthere,inastiflinglycloseatmosphere,wereDarkJack,andDarkJack’sdelight,hiswhiteunlovelyNan,sittingagainstthewallallroundtheroom.Morethanthat:DarkJack’sdelightwastheleastunlovelyNan,bothmorallyandphysically,thatIsawthatnight.

Asafiddleandtambourinebandweresittingamongthecompany,Quickearsuggestedwhynotstrikeup?‘Ah,la’ads!’saidanegrosittingbythedoor,‘gibthejebblemadarnse.Tak’yahpardlers,jebblem,for’umQUAD-rill.’

Thiswasthelandlord,inaGreekcap,andadresshalfGreekandhalfEnglish.Asmasteroftheceremonies,hecalledallthefigures,andoccasionallyaddressedhimselfparenthetically—afterthismanner.Whenhewasveryloud,Iusecapitals.

‘Nowden!Hoy!ONE.Rightandleft.(Putasteamon,gib’umpowder.)LA-dies’chail.BAL-loonsay.Lemonade!TWO.AD-warnseandgoback(gib’ellabreakdown,shakeitouto’yerselbs,keepamovil).SWING-corners,BAL-loonsay,andLemonade!(Hoy!)THREE.GENTcomefor’ardwithaladyandgoback,hoppersitecomefor’ardanddowhatyercan.(Aeiohoy!)BAL-loonsay,andleetlelemonade.(Dathairniggerby’umfireplace’hinda’time,shakeitouto’yerselbs,gib’ellabreakdown.)Nowden!Hoy!FOUR!Lemonade.BAL-loonsay,andswing.FOURladiesmeetin’ummiddle,FOURgentsgoesround’umladies,FOURgentspassesoutunder’umladies’arms,SWING—andLemonadetill’amoosiccan’tplaynomore!(Hoy,Hoy!)’

Themaledancerswereallblacks,andonewasanunusuallypowerfulmanofsixfeetthreeorfour.Thesoundoftheirflatfeetonthefloorwasasunlikethesoundofwhitefeetastheirfaceswereunlikewhitefaces.Theytoedandheeled,shuffled,double-shuffled,double-double-shuffled,coveredthebuckle,andbeatthetimeout,rarely,dancingwithagreatshowofteeth,andwithachildishgood-humouredenjoymentthatwasveryprepossessing.Theygenerallykepttogether,thesepoorfellows,saidMr.Superintendent,becausetheywereatadisadvantagesingly,andliabletoslightsintheneighbouringstreets.But,ifIwereLightJack,IshouldbeveryslowtointerfereoppressivelywithDarkJack,for,wheneverIhavehadtodowithhimIhavefoundhimasimpleandagentlefellow.Bearingthisinmind,Iaskedhisfriendlypermissiontoleavehimrestorationofbeer,inwishinghimgoodnight,andthusitfelloutthatthelastwordsIheardhimsayasIblundereddownthewornstairs,were,‘Jebblem’selth!Ladiesdrinksfust!’

Thenightwasnowwellonintothemorning,but,formilesandhoursweexploredastrangeworld,wherenobodyevergoestobed,buteverybodyiseternallysittingup,waitingforJack.Thisexplorationwasamongalabyrinthofdismalcourtsandblindalleys,calledEntries,keptinwonderfulorderbythepolice,andinmuchbetterorderthan

bythecorporation:thewantofgaslightinthemostdangerousandinfamousoftheseplacesbeingquiteunworthyofsospiritedatown.IneeddescribebuttwoorthreeofthehousesinwhichJackwaswaitedforasspecimensoftherest.Manyweattainedbynoisomepassagessoprofoundlydarkthatwefeltourwaywithourhands.Notoneofthewholenumberwevisited,waswithoutitsshowofprintsandornamentalcrockery;thequantityofthelattersetforthonlittleshelvesandinlittlecases,inotherwisewretchedrooms,indicatingthatMercantileJackmusthaveanextraordinaryfondnessforcrockery,tonecessitatesomuchofthatbaitinhistraps.

Amongsuchgarniture,inonefrontparlourinthedeadofthenight,fourwomenweresittingbyafire.Oneofthemhadamalechildinherarms.Onastoolamongthemwasaswarthyyouthwithaguitar,whohadevidentlystoppedplayingwhenourfootstepswereheard.

‘WellIhowdoyoudo?’saysMr.Superintendent,lookingabouthim.

‘Prettywell,sir,andhopeyougentlemenaregoingtotreatusladies,nowyouhavecometoseeus.’

‘Orderthere!’saysSharpeye.

‘Noneofthat!’saysQuickear.

Trampfoot,outside,isheardtoconfidetohimself,‘Meggisson’slotthisis.Andabad’un!’

‘Well!’saysMr.Superintendent,layinghishandontheshoulderoftheswarthyyouth,‘andwho’sthis?’

‘Antonio,sir.’

‘Andwhatdoeshedohere?’

‘Cometogiveusabitofmusic.Noharminthat,Isuppose?’

‘Ayoungforeignsailor?’

‘Yes.He’saSpaniard.You’reaSpaniard,ain’tyou,Antonio?’

‘MeSpanish.’

‘Andhedon’tknowawordyousay,nothe;notifyouwastotalktohimtilldoomsday.’(Triumphantly,asifitredoundedtothecreditofthehouse.)

‘Willheplaysomething?’

‘Oh,yes,ifyoulike.Playsomething,Antonio.Youain’tashamedtoplaysomething;areyou?’

Thecrackedguitarraisesthefeeblestghostofatune,andthreeofthewomenkeeptimetoitwiththeirheads,andthefourthwiththechild.IfAntoniohasbroughtanymoneyinwithhim,Iamafraidhewillnevertakeitout,anditevenstrikesmethathisjacketandguitarmaybeinabadway.But,thelookoftheyoungmanandthetinklingoftheinstrumentsochangetheplaceinamomenttoaleafoutofDonQuixote,thatIwonderwherehismuleisstabled,untilheleavesoff.

Iamboundtoacknowledge(asittendsrathertomyuncommercialconfusion),thatIoccasionedadifficultyinthisestablishment,byhavingtakenthechildinmyarms.For,onmyofferingtorestoreittoaferociousjokernotunstimulatedbyrum,whoclaimedtobeitsmother,thatunnaturalparentputherhandsbehindher,anddeclinedtoacceptit;backingintothefireplace,andveryshrillydeclaring,regardlessofremonstrancefromherfriends,thatsheknowedittobeLaw,thatwhoevertookachildfromitsmotherofhisownwill,wasboundtosticktoit.Theuncommercialsenseofbeinginaratherridiculouspositionwiththepoorlittlechildbeginningtobefrightened,wasrelievedbymyworthyfriendandfellow-constable,Trampfoot;who,layinghandsonthearticleasifitwereaBottle,passeditontothenearestwoman,andbadeher‘takeholdofthat.’AswecameouttheBottlewaspassedtotheferociousjoker,andtheyallsatdownasbefore,includingAntonioandtheguitar.Itwasclearthattherewasnosuchthingasanightcaptothisbaby’shead,andthatevenheneverwenttobed,butwasalwayskeptup—andwouldgrowup,keptup—waitingforJack.

Laterstillinthenight,wecame(bythecourt‘wherethemanwasmurdered,’andbytheothercourtacrossthestreet,intowhichhisbodywasdragged)toanotherparlourinanotherEntry,whereseveralpeopleweresittingroundafireinjustthesameway.Itwasadirtyandoffensiveplace,withsomeraggedclothesdryinginit;buttherewasahighshelfovertheentrance-door(tobeoutofthereachofmaraudinghands,possibly)withtwolargewhiteloavesonit,andagreatpieceofCheshirecheese.

‘Well!’saysMr.Superintendent,withacomprehensivelookallround.‘Howdoyoudo?’

‘Notmuchtoboastof,sir.’Fromthecurtseyingwomanofthehouse.‘Thisismygoodman,sir.’

‘YouarenotregisteredasacommonLodgingHouse?’

‘No,sir.’

Sharpeye(intheMove-ontone)putsinthepertinentinquiry,‘Thenwhyain’tyou?’

‘Ain’tgotnoonehere,Mr.Sharpeye,’rejointhewomanandmygoodmantogether,‘butourownfamily.’

‘Howmanyareyouinfamily?’

Thewomantakestimetocount,underpretenceofcoughing,andadds,asonescantofbreath,‘Seven,sir.’

Butshehasmissedone,soSharpeye,whoknowsallaboutit,says:

‘Here’sayoungmanheremakeseight,whoain’tofyourfamily?’

‘No,Mr.Sharpeye,he’saweeklylodger.’

‘Whatdoeshedoforaliving?’

Theyoungmanhere,takesthereplyuponhimself,andshortlyanswers,‘Ain’tgotnothingtodo.’

Theyoungmanhere,ismodestlybroodingbehindadampapronpendentfromaclothes-line.AsIglanceathimIbecome—butIdon’tknowwhy—vaguelyremindedofWoolwich,Chatham,Portsmouth,andDover.Whenwegetout,myrespectedfellow-

constableSharpeye,addressingMr.Superintendent,says:

‘Younoticedthatyoungman,sir,inatDarby’s?’

‘Yes.Whatishe?’

‘Deserter,sir.’

Mr.Sharpeyefurtherintimatesthatwhenwehavedonewithhisservices,hewillstepbackandtakethatyoungman.Whichincourseoftimehedoes:feelingatperfecteaseaboutfindinghim,andknowingforamoralcertaintythatnobodyinthatregionwillbegonetobed.

Laterstillinthenight,wecametoanotherparlourupasteportwofromthestreet,whichwasverycleanly,neatly,eventastefully,kept,andinwhich,setforthonadrapedchestofdrawersmaskingthestaircase,wassuchaprofusionofornamentalcrockery,thatitwouldhavefurnishedforthahandsomesale-boothatafair.Itbackedupastoutoldlady—HOGARTHdrewherexactlikenessmorethanonce—andaboywhowascarefullywritingacopyinacopy-book.

‘Well,ma’am,howdoyoudo?’

Sweetly,shecanassurethedeargentlemen,sweetly.Charmingly,charmingly.Andoverjoyedtoseeus!

‘Why,thisisastrangetimeforthisboytobewritinghiscopy.Inthemiddleofthenight!’

‘Soitis,deargentlemen,Heavenblessyourwelcomefacesandsendyeprosperous,buthehasbeentothePlaywithayoungfriendforhisdiversion,andhecombinateshisimprovementwithentertainment,bydoinghisschool-writingafterwards,Godbegoodtoye!’

Thecopyadmonishedhumannaturetosubjugatethefireofeveryfiercedesire.Onemighthavethoughtitrecommendedstirringthefire,theoldladysoapprovedit.Thereshesat,rosilybeamingatthecopy-bookandtheboy,andinvokingshowersofblessingsonourheads,whenweleftherinthemiddleofthenight,waitingforJack.

Laterstillinthenight,wecametoanauseousroomwithanearthfloor,intowhichtherefusescumofanalleytrickled.Thestenchofthishabitationwasabominable;theseemingpovertyofit,diseasedanddire.Yet,hereagain,wasvisitororlodger—amansittingbeforethefire,liketherestofthemelsewhere,andapparentlynotdistastefultothemistress’sniece,whowasalsobeforethefire.Themistressherselfhadthemisfortuneofbeinginjail.

Threeweirdoldwomenoftranscendentghastliness,wereatneedleworkatatableinthisroom.SaysTrampfoottoFirstWitch,‘Whatareyoumaking?’Saysshe,‘Money-bags.’

‘Whatareyoumaking?’retortsTrampfoot,alittleoffhisbalance.

‘Bagstoholdyourmoney,’saysthewitch,shakingherhead,andsettingherteeth;‘youashasgotit.’

Sheholdsupacommoncash-bag,andonthetableisaheapofsuchbags.WitchTwolaughsatus.WitchThreescowlsatus.Witchsisterhoodall,stitch,stitch.FirstWitchhasacircleroundeacheye.Ifancyitlikethebeginningofthedevelopmentofa

perverteddiabolicalhalo,andthatwhenitspreadsallroundherhead,shewilldieintheodourofdevilry.

TrampfootwishestobeinformedwhatFirstWitchhasgotbehindthetable,downbythesideofher,there?WitchesTwoandThreecroakangrily,‘Showhimthechild!’

Shedragsoutaskinnylittlearmfromabrowndustheapontheground.Adjurednottodisturbthechild,sheletsitdropagain.ThuswefindatlastthatthereisonechildintheworldofEntrieswhogoestobed—ifthisbebed.

Mr.Superintendentaskshowlongaretheygoingtoworkatthosebags?

Howlong?FirstWitchrepeats.Goingtohavesupperpresently.Seethecupsandsaucers,andtheplates.

‘Late?Ay!Butwehasto’arnoursupperaforeweeatsit!’BoththeotherwitchesrepeatthisafterFirstWitch,andtaketheUncommercialmeasurementwiththeireyes,asforacharmedwinding-sheet.Somegrimdiscourseensues,referringtothemistressofthecave,whowillbereleasedfromjailto-morrow.WitchespronounceTrampfoot‘rightthere,’whenhedeemsitatryingdistancefortheoldladytowalk;sheshallbefetchedbynieceinaspring-cart.

AsItookapartinglookatFirstWitchinturningaway,theredmarksroundhereyesseemedtohavealreadygrownlarger,andshehungrilyandthirstilylookedoutbeyondmeintothedarkdoorway,toseeifJackwasthere.For,Jackcameevenhere,andthemistresshadgotintojailthroughdeludingJack.

WhenIatlastendedthisnightoftravelandgottobed,IfailedtokeepmymindoncomfortablethoughtsofSeaman’sHomes(notoverdonewithstrictness),andimproveddockregulationsgivingJackgreaterbenefitoffireandcandleaboardship,throughmymind’swanderingamongtheverminIhadseen.Afterwardsthesameverminranallovermysleep.Evermore,whenonabreezydayIseePoorMercantileJackrunningintoportwithafairwindunderallsail,Ishallthinkoftheunsleepinghostofdevourerswhonevergotobed,andarealwaysintheirsettrapswaitingforhim.

VIREFRESHMENTSFORTRAVELLERS

INthelatehighwindsIwasblowntoagreatmanyplaces—andindeed,windornowind,IgenerallyhaveextensivetransactionsonhandinthearticleofAir—butIhavenotbeenblowntoanyEnglishplacelately,andIveryseldomhaveblowntoanyEnglishplaceinmylife,whereIcouldgetanythinggoodtoeatanddrinkinfiveminutes,orwhere,ifIsoughtit,Iwasreceivedwithawelcome.

Thisisacuriousthingtoconsider.Butbefore(stimulatedbymyownexperiencesandtherepresentationsofmanyfellow-travellersofeveryuncommercialandcommercialdegree)Iconsideritfurther,Imustutterapassingwordofwonderconcerninghighwinds.

IwonderwhymetropolitangalesalwaysblowsohardatWalworth.IcannotimaginewhatWalworthhasdone,tobringsuchwindypunishmentuponitself,asIneverfailtofindrecordedinthenewspaperswhenthewindhasblownatallhard.Brixtonseemstohavesomethingonitsconscience;PeckhamsuffersmorethanavirtuousPeckhammightbesupposedtodeserve;thehowlingneighbourhoodofDeptfordfigureslargelyintheaccountsoftheingeniousgentlemenwhoareoutineverywindthatblows,andtowhomitisanillhighwindthatblowsnogood;but,therecanhardlybeanyWalworthleftbythistime.Itmustsurelybeblownaway.Ihavereadofmorechimney-stacksandhouse-copingscomingdownwithterrificsmashesatWalworth,andofmoresacrededificesbeingnearly(notquite)blownouttoseafromthesameaccursedlocality,thanIhavereadofpractisedthieveswiththeappearanceandmannersofgentlemen—apopularphenomenonwhichneverexistedonearthoutoffictionandapolicereport.Again:IwonderwhypeoplearealwaysblownintotheSurreyCanal,andintonootherpieceofwater!Whydopeoplegetupearlyandgooutingroups,tobeblownintotheSurreyCanal?Dotheysaytooneanother,‘Welcomedeath,sothatwegetintothenewspapers’?Eventhatwouldbeaninsufficientexplanation,becauseeventhentheymightsometimesputthemselvesinthewayofbeingblownintotheRegent’sCanal,insteadofalwayssaddlingSurreyforthefield.Somenamelesspoliceman,too,isconstantly,ontheslightestprovocation,gettinghimselfblownintothissameSurreyCanal.WillSIRRICHARDMAYNEseetoit,andrestrainthatweak-mindedandfeeble-bodiedconstable?

ToresumetheconsiderationofthecuriousquestionofRefreshment.IamaBriton,and,assuch,IamawarethatIneverwillbeaslave—andyetIhavelatentsuspicionthattheremustbesomeslaveryofwrongcustominthismatter.

Itravelbyrailroad.Istartfromhomeatsevenoreightinthemorning,afterbreakfastinghurriedly.Whatwithskimmingovertheopenlandscape,whatwithmininginthedampbowelsoftheearth,whatwithbanging,boomingandshriekingthescoresofmilesaway,IamhungrywhenIarriveatthe‘Refreshment’stationwhereIamexpected.Pleasetoobserve,expected.Ihavesaid,Iamhungry;perhapsImightsay,withgreaterpointandforce,thatIamtosomeextentexhausted,andthatIneed—intheexpressiveFrenchsenseoftheword—toberestored.Whatisprovidedformyrestoration?Theapartmentthatis

torestoremeisawind-trap,cunninglysettoinveigleallthedraughtsinthatcountry-side,andtocommunicateaspecialintensityandvelocitytothemastheyrotateintwohurricanes:one,aboutmywretchedhead:one,aboutmywretchedlegs.Thetrainingoftheyoungladiesbehindthecounterwhoaretorestoreme,hasbeenfromtheirinfancydirectedtotheassumptionofadefiantdramaticshowthatIamnotexpected.Itisinvainformetorepresenttothembymyhumbleandconciliatorymanners,thatIwishtobeliberal.Itisinvainformetorepresenttomyself,fortheencouragementofmysinkingsoul,thattheyoungladieshaveapecuniaryinterestinmyarrival.NeithermyreasonnormyfeelingscanmakeheadagainstthecoldglazedglareofeyewithwhichIamassuredthatIamnotexpected,andnotwanted.Thesolitarymanamongthebottleswouldsometimestakepityonme,ifhedared,butheispowerlessagainsttherightsandmightsofWoman.(OfthepageImakenoaccount,for,heisaboy,andthereforethenaturalenemyofCreation.)Chillingfast,inthedeadlytornadoestowhichmyupperandlowerextremitiesareexposed,andsubduedbythemoraldisadvantageatwhichIstand,Iturnmydisconsolateeyesontherefreshmentsthataretorestoreme.IfindthatImusteitherscaldmythroatbyinsanelyladlingintoit,againsttimeandfornowager,brownhotwaterstiffenedwithflour;orImustmakemyselfflakyandsickwithBanburycake;or,Imuststuffintomydelicateorganisation,acurrantpincushionwhichIknowwillswellintoimmeasurabledimensionswhenithasgotthere;or,Imustextortfromaniron-boundquarry,withafork,asifIwerefarminganinhospitablesoil,someglutinouslumpsofgristleandgrease,calledpork-pie.Whilethusforlornlyoccupied,Ifindthatthedepressingbanquetonthetableis,ineveryphaseofitsprofoundlyunsatisfactorycharacter,solikethebanquetatthemeanestandshabbiestofeveningparties,thatIbegintothinkImusthave‘broughtdown’tosupper,theoldladyunknown,bluewithcold,whoissettingherteethonedgewithacoolorangeatmyelbow—thatthepastrycookwhohascompoundedforthecompanyonthelowesttermsperhead,isafraudulentbankrupt,redeeminghiscontractwiththestalestockfromhiswindow—that,forsomeunexplainedreason,thefamilygivingthepartyhavebecomemymortalfoes,andhavegivenitonpurposetoaffrontme.Or,IfancythatIam‘breakingup’again,attheeveningconversazioneatschool,chargedtwo-and-sixpenceinthehalf-year’sbill;orbreakingdownagainatthatcelebratedeveningpartygivenatMrs.Bogles’sboarding-housewhenIwasaboarderthere,onwhichoccasionMrs.Bogleswastakeninexecutionbyabranchofthelegalprofessionwhogotinastheharp,andwasremoved(withthekeysandsubscribedcapital)toaplaceofdurance,halfanhourpriortothecommencementofthefestivities.

Takeanothercase.

Mr.Grazinglands,oftheMidlandCounties,cametoLondonbyrailroadonemorninglastweek,accompaniedbytheamiableandfascinatingMrs.Grazinglands.Mr.G.isagentlemanofacomfortableproperty,andhadalittlebusinesstotransactattheBankofEngland,whichrequiredtheconcurrenceandsignatureofMrs.G.Theirbusinessdisposedof,Mr.andMrs.GrazinglandsviewedtheRoyalExchange,andtheexteriorofSt.Paul’sCathedral.ThespiritsofMrs.Grazinglandsthengraduallybeginningtoflag,Mr.Grazinglands(whoisthetenderestofhusbands)remarkedwithsympathy,‘Arabella’,mydear,‘fearyouarefaint.’Mrs.Grazing-landsreplied,‘Alexander,Iamratherfaint;butdon’tmindme,Ishallbebetterpresently.’Touchedbythefemininemeeknessofthis

answer,Mr.Grazinglandslookedinatapastrycook’swindow,hesitatingastotheexpediencyoflunchingatthatestablishment.Hebeheldnothingtoeat,butbutterinvariousforms,slightlychargedwithjam,andlanguidlyfrizzlingovertepidwater.Twoancientturtle-shells,onwhichwasinscribedthelegend,‘SOUPS,’decoratedaglasspartitionwithin,enclosingastuffyalcove,fromwhichaghastlymockeryofamarriage-breakfastspreadonaricketytable,warnedtheterrifiedtraveller.Anoblongboxofstaleandbrokenpastryatreducedprices,mountedonastool,ornamentedthedoorway;andtwohighchairsthatlookedasiftheywereperformingonstilts,embellishedthecounter.Overthewhole,ayoungladypresided,whosegloomyhaughtinessasshesurveyedthestreet,announcedadeep-seatedgrievanceagainstsociety,andanimplacabledeterminationtobeavenged.Fromabeetle-hauntedkitchenbelowthisinstitution,fumesarose,suggestiveofaclassofsoupwhichMr.Grazinglandsknew,frompainfulexperience,enfeeblesthemind,distendsthestomach,forcesitselfintothecomplexion,andtriestooozeoutattheeyes.Ashedecidedagainstentering,andturnedaway,Mrs.Grazinglandsbecomingperceptiblyweaker,repeated,‘Iamratherfaint,Alexander,butdon’tmindme.’Urgedtoneweffortsbythesewordsofresignation,Mr.Grazinglandslookedinatacoldandflourybaker’sshop,whereutilitarianbunsunrelievedbyacurrant,consortedwithhardbiscuits,astonefilterofcoldwater,ahardpaleclock,andahardlittleoldwomanwithflaxenhair,ofanundeveloped-farinaceousaspect,asifshehadbeenfeduponseeds.Hemighthaveenteredevenhere,butforthetimelyremembrancecominguponhimthatJairing’swasbutroundthecorner.

Now,Jairing’sbeinganhotelforfamiliesandgentlemen,inhighreputeamongthemidlandcounties,Mr.GrazinglandspluckedupagreatspiritwhenhetoldMrs.Grazinglandssheshouldhaveachopthere.Thatlady,likewisefeltthatshewasgoingtoseeLife.Arrivingonthatgayandfestivescene,theyfoundthesecondwaiter,inaflabbyundress,cleaningthewindowsoftheemptycoffee-room;andthefirstwaiter,denudedofhiswhitetie,makinguphiscruetsbehindthePost-OfficeDirectory.Thelatter(whotooktheminhand)wasgreatlyputoutbytheirpatronage,andshowedhismindtobetroubledbyasenseofthepressingnecessityofinstantlysmugglingMrs.Grazinglandsintotheobscurestcornerofthebuilding.Thisslightedlady(whoistheprideofherdivisionofthecounty)wasimmediatelyconveyed,byseveraldarkpassages,andupanddownseveralsteps,intoapenitentialapartmentatthebackofthehouse,wherefiveinvalidedoldplate-warmersleanedupagainstoneanotherunderadiscardedoldmelancholysideboard,andwherethewintryleavesofallthedining-tablesinthehouselaythick.Also,asofa,ofincomprehensibleformregardedfromanysofanepointofview,murmured‘Bed;’whileanairofmingledfluffinessandheeltaps,added,‘SecondWaiter’s.’Secretedinthisdismalhold,objectsofamysteriousdistrustandsuspicion,Mr.Grazinglandsandhischarmingpartnerwaitedtwentyminutesforthesmoke(foritnevercametoafire),twenty-fiveminutesforthesherry,halfanhourforthetablecloth,fortyminutesfortheknivesandforks,three-quartersofanhourforthechops,andanhourforthepotatoes.Onsettlingthelittlebill—whichwasnotmuchmorethantheday’spayofaLieutenantinthenavy—Mr.Grazinglandstookhearttoremonstrateagainstthegeneralqualityandcostofhisreception.Towhomthewaiterreplied,substantially,thatJairing’smadeitamerittohaveacceptedhimonanyterms:‘for,’addedthewaiter(unmistakablycoughingatMrs.Grazinglands,theprideofherdivisionofthecounty),‘whenindiwidualsisnotstayinginthe’Ouse,theirfavoursisnotasarulelookeduponasmakingitworthMr.Jairing’s

while;norisit,indeed,astyleofbusinessMr.Jairingwishes.’Finally,Mr.andMrs.GrazinglandspassedoutofJairing’shotelforFamiliesandGentlemen,inastateofthegreatestdepression,scornedbythebar;anddidnotrecovertheirself-respectforseveraldays.

Ortakeanothercase.Takeyourowncase.

Youaregoingoffbyrailway,fromanyTerminus.Youhavetwentyminutesfordinner,beforeyougo.Youwantyourdinner,andlikeDr.Johnson,Sir,youliketodine.Youpresenttoyourmind,apictureoftherefreshment-tableatthatterminus.Theconventionalshabbyevening-partysupper—acceptedasthemodelforallterminiandallrefreshmentstations,becauseitisthelastrepastknowntothisstateofexistenceofwhichanyhumancreaturewouldpartake,butinthedirestextremity—sickensyourcontemplation,andyourwordsarethese:‘Icannotdineonstalesponge-cakesthatturntosandinthemouth.Icannotdineonshiningbrownpatties,composedofunknownanimalswithin,andofferingtomyviewthedeviceofanindigestiblestar-fishinleadenpie-crustwithout.Icannotdineonasandwichthathaslongbeenpiningunderanexhaustedreceiver.Icannotdineonbarley-sugar.IcannotdineonToffee.’Yourepairtothenearesthotel,andarrive,agitated,inthecoffee-room.

Itisamostastonishingfactthatthewaiterisverycoldtoyou.Accountforithowyoumay,smoothitoverhowyouwill,youcannotdenythatheiscoldtoyou.Heisnotgladtoseeyou,hedoesnotwantyou,hewouldmuchratheryouhadn’tcome.Heopposestoyourflushedcondition,animmovablecomposure.Asifthiswerenotenough,anotherwaiter,born,asitwouldseem,expresslytolookatyouinthispassageofyourlife,standsatalittledistance,withhisnapkinunderhisarmandhishandsfolded,lookingatyouwithallhismight.Youimpressonyourwaiterthatyouhavetenminutesfordinner,andheproposesthatyoushallbeginwithabitoffishwhichwillbereadyintwenty.Thatproposaldeclined,hesuggests—asaneatoriginality—‘awealormuttoncutlet.’Youclosewitheithercutlet,anycutlet,anything.Hegoes,leisurely,behindadoorandcallsdownsomeunseenshaft.Aventriloquialdialogueensues,tendingfinallytotheeffectthatwealonly,isavailableonthespurofthemoment.Youanxiouslycallout,‘Veal,then!’Yourwaiterhavingsettledthatpoint,returnstoarrayyourtablecloth,withatablenapkinfoldedcocked-hat-wise(slowly,forsomethingoutofwindowengageshiseye),awhitewine-glass,agreenwine-glass,abluefinger-glass,atumbler,andapowerfulfieldbatteryoffourteencasterswithnothinginthem;oratallevents—whichisenoughforyourpurpose—withnothinginthemthatwillcomeout.Allthistime,theotherwaiterlooksatyou—withanairofmentalcomparisonandcuriosity,now,asifithadoccurredtohimthatyouareratherlikehisbrother.Halfyourtimegone,andnothingcomebutthejugofaleandthebread,youimploreyourwaiterto‘seeafterthatcutlet,waiter;praydo!’Hecannotgoatonce,forheiscarryinginseventeenpoundsofAmericancheeseforyoutofinishwith,andasmallLandedEstateofceleryandwater-cresses.Theotherwaiterchangeshisleg,andtakesanewviewofyou,doubtfully,now,asifhehadrejectedtheresemblancetohisbrother,andhadbeguntothinkyoumorelikehisauntorhisgrandmother.Againyoubeseechyourwaiterwithpatheticindignation,to‘seeafterthatcutlet!’Hestepsouttoseeafterit,andby-and-by,whenyouaregoingawaywithoutit,comesbackwithit.Eventhen,hewillnottaketheshamsilvercoveroff,withoutapauseforaflourish,andalookatthemustycutletasifheweresurprisedtoseeit—which

cannotpossiblybethecase,hemusthaveseenitsooftenbefore.Asortoffurhasbeenproduceduponitssurfacebythecook’sart,andinashamsilvervesselstaggeringontwofeetinsteadofthree,isacutaneouskindofsauceofbrownpimplesandpickledcucumber.Youorderthebill,butyourwaitercannotbringyourbillyet,becauseheisbringing,instead,threeflinty-heartedpotatoesandtwogrimheadofbroccoli,liketheoccasionalornamentsonarearailings,badlyboiled.Youknowthatyouwillnevercometothispass,anymorethantothecheeseandcelery,andyouimperativelydemandyourbill;but,ittakestimetoget,evenwhengonefor,becauseyourwaiterhastocommunicatewithaladywholivesbehindasash-windowinacorner,andwhoappearstohavetorefertoseveralLedgersbeforeshecanmakeitout—asifyouhadbeenstayingthereayear.Youbecomedistractedtogetaway,andtheotherwaiter,oncemorechanginghisleg,stilllooksatyou—butsuspiciously,now,asifyouhadbeguntoremindhimofthepartywhotookthegreat-coatslastwinter.Yourbillatlastbroughtandpaid,attherateofsixpenceamouthful,yourwaiterreproachfullyremindsyouthat‘attendanceisnotchargedforasinglemeal,’andyouhavetosearchinallyourpocketsforsixpencemore.Hehasaworseopinionofyouthanever,whenyouhavegivenittohim,andletsyououtintothestreetwiththeairofonesayingtohimself,asyoucannotagaindoubtheis,‘Ihopeweshallneverseeyouhereagain!’

Or,takeanyotherofthenumeroustravellinginstancesinwhich,withmoretimeatyourdisposal,youare,havebeen,ormaybe,equallyillserved.Taketheold-establishedBull’sHeadwithitsold-establishedknife-boxesonitsold-establishedsideboards,itsold-establishedflueunderitsold-establishedfour-postbedsteadsinitsold-establishedairlessrooms,itsold-establishedfrouzinessup-stairsanddown-stairs,itsold-establishedcookery,anditsold-establishedprinciplesofplunder.Countupyourinjuries,initsside-dishesofailingsweetbreadsinwhitepoultices,ofapothecaries’powdersinriceforcurry,ofpalestewedbitsofcalfineffectuallyrelyingforanadventitiousinterestonforcemeatballs.Youhavehadexperienceoftheold-establishedBull’sHeadstringyfowls,withlowerextremitieslikewoodenlegs,stickingupoutofthedish;ofitscannibalicboiledmutton,gushinghorriblyamongitscapers,whencarved;ofitslittledishesofpastry—roofsofspermacetiointment,erectedoverhalfanappleorfourgooseberries.Wellforyouifyouhaveyetforgottentheold-establishedBull’sHeadfruityport:whosereputationwasgainedsolelybytheold-establishedpricetheBull’sHeadputuponit,andbytheold-establishedairwithwhichtheBull’sHeadsettheglassesandD’Oyleyson,andheldthatLiquidGouttothethree-and-sixpennywax-candle,asifitsold-establishedcolourhadn’tcomefromthedyer’s.

Orlastly,taketofinishwith,twocasesthatweallknow,everyday.

Weallknowthenewhotelnearthestation,whereitisalwaysgusty,goingupthelanewhichisalwaysmuddy,wherewearesuretoarriveatnight,andwherewemakethegasstartawfullywhenweopenthefrontdoor.Weallknowtheflooringofthepassagesandstaircasesthatistoonew,andthewallsthataretoonew,andthehousethatishauntedbytheghostofmortar.Weallknowthedoorsthathavecracked,andthecrackedshuttersthroughwhichwegetaglimpseofthedisconsolatemoon.Weallknowthenewpeople,whohavecometokeepthenewhotel,andwhowishtheyhadnevercome,andwho(inevitableresult)wishwehadnevercome.Weallknowhowmuchtooscantandsmoothandbrightthenewfurnitureis,andhowithasneversettleddown,andcannotfititselfintorightplaces,andwillgetintowrongplaces.Weallknowhowthegas,beinglighted,showsmapsofDampuponthewalls.Weallknowhowtheghostofmortarpassesintooursandwich,stirsournegus,goesuptobedwithus,ascendsthepalebedroomchimney,andpreventsthesmokefromfollowing.Weallknowhowalegofourchaircomesoffatbreakfastinthemorning,andhowthedejectedwaiterattributestheaccidenttoageneralgreennesspervadingtheestablishment,andinformsus,inreplytoalocalinquiry,thatheisthankfultosayheisanentirestrangerinthatpartofthecountryandisgoingbacktohisownconnexiononSaturday.

Weallknow,ontheotherhand,thegreatstationhotelbelongingtothecompanyofproprietors,whichhassuddenlysprungupinthebackoutskirtsofanyplaceweliketoname,andwherewelookoutofourpalatialwindowsatlittlebackyardsandgardens,oldsummer-houses,fowl-houses,pigeon-traps,andpigsties.Weallknowthishotelinwhichwecangetanythingwewant,afteritskind,formoney;butwherenobodyisgladtoseeus,orsorrytoseeus,orminds(ourbillpaid)whetherwecomeorgo,orhow,orwhen,orwhy,orcaresaboutus.Weallknowthishotel,wherewehavenoindividuality,butputourselvesintothegeneralpost,asitwere,andaresortedanddisposedofaccordingtoourdivision.Weallknowthatwecangetonverywellindeedatsuchaplace,butstillnot

perfectlywell;andthismaybe,becausetheplaceislargelywholesale,andthereisalingeringpersonalretailinterestwithinusthataskstobesatisfied.

Tosumup.Myuncommercialtravellinghasnotyetbroughtmetotheconclusionthatweareclosetoperfectioninthesematters.AndjustasIdonotbelievethattheendoftheworldwilleverbenearathand,solongasanyoftheverytiresomeandarrogantpeoplewhoconstantlypredictthatcatastropheareleftinit,so,IshallhavesmallfaithintheHotelMillennium,whileanyoftheuncomfortablesuperstitionsIhaveglancedatremaininexistence.

VIITRAVELLINGABROAD

IGOTintothetravellingchariot—itwasofGermanmake,roomy,heavy,andunvarnished—Igotintothetravellingchariot,pulledupthestepsafterme,shutmyselfinwithasmartbangofthedoor,andgavetheword,‘Goon!’

Immediately,allthatW.andS.W.divisionofLondonbegantoslideawayatapacesolively,thatIwasovertheriver,andpasttheOldKentRoad,andoutonBlackheath,andevenascendingShooter’sHill,beforeIhadhadtimetolookaboutmeinthecarriage,likeacollectedtraveller.

IhadtwoampleImperialsontheroof,otherfittedstorageforluggageinfront,andotherupbehind;Ihadanetforbooksoverhead,greatpocketstoallthewindows,aleathernpouchortwohungupforoddsandends,andareadinglampfixedinthebackofthechariot,incaseIshouldbebenighted.Iwasamplyprovidedinallrespects,andhadnoideawhereIwasgoing(whichwasdelightful),exceptthatIwasgoingabroad.

Sosmoothwastheoldhighroad,andsofreshwerethehorses,andsofastwentI,thatitwasmidwaybetweenGravesendandRochester,andthewideningriverwasbearingtheships,whitesailedorblack-smoked,outtosea,whenInoticedbythewaysideaveryqueersmallboy.

‘Holloa!’saidI,totheveryqueersmallboy,‘wheredoyoulive?’

‘AtChatham,’sayshe.

‘Whatdoyoudothere?’saysI.

‘Igotoschool,’sayshe.

Itookhimupinamoment,andwewenton.Presently,theveryqueersmallboysays,‘ThisisGads-hillwearecomingto,whereFalstaffwentouttorobthosetravellers,andranaway.’

‘YouknowsomethingaboutFalstaff,eh?’saidI.

‘Allabouthim,’saidtheveryqueersmallboy.‘Iamold(Iamnine),andIreadallsortsofbooks.Butdoletusstopatthetopofthehill,andlookatthehousethere,ifyouplease!’

‘Youadmirethathouse?’saidI.

‘Blessyou,sir,’saidtheveryqueersmallboy,‘whenIwasnotmorethanhalfasoldasnine,itusedtobeatreatformetobebroughttolookatit.Andnow,Iamnine,Icomebymyselftolookatit.AndeversinceIcanrecollect,myfather,seeingmesofondofit,hasoftensaidtome,“Ifyouweretobeveryperseveringandweretoworkhard,youmightsomedaycometoliveinit.”Thoughthat’simpossible!’saidtheveryqueersmallboy,drawingalowbreath,andnowstaringatthehouseoutofwindowwithallhismight.

Iwasratheramazedtobetoldthisbytheveryqueersmallboy;forthathousehappenstobemyhouse,andIhavereasontobelievethatwhathesaidwastrue.

Well!Imadenohaltthere,andIsoondroppedtheveryqueersmallboyandwenton.OvertheroadwheretheoldRomansusedtomarch,overtheroadwheretheoldCanterburypilgrimsusedtogo,overtheroadwherethetravellingtrainsoftheoldimperiouspriestsandprincesusedtojingleonhorsebackbetweenthecontinentandthisIslandthroughthemudandwater,overtheroadwhereShakespearehummedtohimself,‘Blow,blow,thouwinterwind,’ashesatinthesaddleatthegateoftheinnyardnoticingthecarriers;allamongthecherryorchards,appleorchards,corn-fields,andhop-gardens;sowentI,byCanterburytoDover.There,theseawastumblingin,withdeepsounds,afterdark,andtherevolvingFrenchlightonCapeGrinezwasseenregularlyburstingoutandbecomingobscured,asiftheheadofagiganticlight-keeperinananxiousstateofmindwereinterposedeveryhalf-minute,tolookhowitwasburning.

EarlyinthemorningIwasonthedeckofthesteam-packet,andwewereaimingatthebarintheusualintolerablemanner,andthebarwasaimingatusintheusualintolerablemanner,andthebargotbyfarthebestofit,andwegotbyfartheworst—allintheusualintolerablemanner.

But,whenIwasclearoftheCustomHouseontheotherside,andwhenIbegantomakethedustflyonthethirstyFrenchroads,andwhenthetwigsometreesbythewayside(which,Isuppose,neverwillgrowleafy,fortheyneverdid)guardedhereandthereadustysoldier,orfieldlabourer,bakingonaheapofbrokenstones,soundasleepinafictionofshade,Ibegantorecovermytravellingspirits.Cominguponthebreakerofthebrokenstones,inahard,hot,shininghat,onwhichthesunplayedatadistanceasonaburning-glass,Ifeltthatnow,indeed,IwasinthedearoldFranceofmyaffections.Ishouldhaveknownit,withoutthewell-rememberedbottleofroughordinarywine,thecoldroastfowl,theloaf,andthepinchofsalt,onwhichIlunchedwithunspeakablesatisfaction,fromoneofthestuffedpocketsofthechariot.

Imusthavefallenasleepafterlunch,forwhenabrightfacelookedinatthewindow,Istarted,andsaid:

‘GoodGod,Louis,Idreamedyouweredead!’

Mycheerfulservantlaughed,andanswered:

‘Me?Notatall,sir.’

‘HowgladIamtowake!WhatarewedoingLouis?’

‘Wegototakerelayofhorses.Willyouwalkupthehill?’

‘Certainly.’

WelcometheoldFrenchhill,withtheoldFrenchlunatic(notinthemostdistantdegreerelatedtoSterne’sMaria)livinginathatcheddog-kennelhalf-wayup,andflyingoutwithhiscrutchandhisbigheadandextendednightcap,tobebeforehandwiththeoldmenandwomenexhibitingcrippledchildren,andwiththechildrenexhibitingoldmenandwomen,uglyandblind,whoalwaysseemedbyresurrectionaryprocesstoberecalledoutoftheelementsforthesuddenpeoplingofthesolitude!

‘Itiswell,’saidI,scatteringamongthemwhatsmallcoinIhad;‘herecomesLouis,andIamquiterousedfrommynap.’

Wejourneyedonagain,andIwelcomedeverynewassurancethatFrancestoodwhereIhadleftit.Thereweretheposting-houses,withtheirarchways,dirtystable-yards,andcleanpost-masters’wives,brightwomenofbusiness,lookingonattheputting-toofthehorses;therewerethepostilionscountingwhatmoneytheygot,intotheirhats,andnevermakingenoughofit;therewerethestandardpopulationofgreyhorsesofFlandersdescent,invariablybitingoneanotherwhentheygotachance;therewerethefleecysheepskins,loopedonovertheiruniformsbythepostilions,likebibbedapronswhenitblewandrained;thereweretheirJack-boots,andtheircrackingwhips;therewerethecathedralsthatIgotouttosee,asundersomecruelbondage,innowisedesiringtoseethem;therewerethelittletownsthatappearedtohavenoreasonforbeingtowns,sincemostoftheirhousesweretoletandnobodycouldbeinducedtolookatthem,exceptthepeoplewhocouldn’tletthemandhadnothingelsetodobutlookatthemallday.Ilayanightupontheroadandenjoyeddelectablecookeryofpotatoes,andsomeothersensiblethings,adoptionofwhichathomewouldinevitablybeshowntobefraughtwithruin,somehoworother,tothatricketynationalblessing,theBritishfarmer;andatlastIwasrattled,likeasinglepillinabox,overleaguesofstones,until—madlycracking,plunging,andflourishingtwogreytailsabout—ImademytriumphalentryintoParis.

AtParis,ItookanupperapartmentforafewdaysinoneofthehotelsoftheRuedeRivoli;myfrontwindowslookingintothegardenoftheTuileries(wheretheprincipaldifferencebetweenthenursemaidsandtheflowersseemedtobethattheformerwerelocomotiveandthelatternot):mybackwindowslookingatalltheotherbackwindowsinthehotel,anddeepdownintoapavedyard,wheremyGermanchariothadretiredunderatight-fittingarchway,toallappearanceforlife,andwherebellsrangalldaywithoutanybody’smindingthembutcertainchamberlainswithfeatherbroomsandgreenbaizecaps,whohereandthereleanedoutofsomehighwindowplacidlylookingdown,andwhereneatwaiterswithtraysontheirleftshoulderspassedandrepassedfrommorningtonight.

WheneverIamatParis,IamdraggedbyinvisibleforceintotheMorgue.Ineverwanttogothere,butamalwayspulledthere.OneChristmasDay,whenIwouldratherhavebeenanywhereelse,Iwasattractedin,toseeanoldgreymanlyingallaloneonhiscoldbed,withatapofwaterturnedonoverhisgreyhair,andrunning,drip,drip,drip,downhiswretchedfaceuntilitgottothecornerofhismouth,whereittookaturn,andmadehimlooksly.OneNewYear’sMorning(bythesametoken,thesunwasshiningoutside,andtherewasamountebankbalancingafeatheronhisnose,withinayardofthegate),Iwaspulledinagaintolookataflaxen-hairedboyofeighteen,withahearthangingonhisbreast—‘fromhismother,’wasengravenonit—whohadcomeintothenetacrosstheriver,withabulletwoundinhisfairforeheadandhishandscutwithaknife,butwhenceorhowwasablankmystery.Thistime,Iwasforcedintothesamedreadplace,toseealargedarkmanwhosedisfigurementbywaterwasinafrightfulmannercomic,andwhoseexpressionwasthatofaprize-fighterwhohadclosedhiseyelidsunderaheavyblow,butwasgoingimmediatelytoopenthem,shakehishead,and‘comeupsmiling.’Ohwhatthislargedarkmancostmeinthatbrightcity!

Itwasveryhotweather,andhewasnonethebetterforthat,andIwasmuchtheworse.Indeed,averyneatandpleasantlittlewomanwiththekeyofherlodgingonherforefinger,whohadbeenshowinghimtoherlittlegirlwhilesheandthechildatesweetmeats,observedmonsieurlookingpoorlyaswecameouttogether,andaskedmonsieur,withherwonderinglittleeyebrowsprettilyraised,iftherewereanythingthematter?Faintlyreplyinginthenegative,monsieurcrossedtheroadtoawine-shop,gotsomebrandy,andresolvedtofreshenhimselfwithadipinthegreatfloatingbathontheriver.

Thebathwascrowdedintheusualairymanner,byamalepopulationinstripeddrawersofvariousgaycolours,whowalkedupanddownarminarm,drankcoffee,smokedcigars,satatlittletables,conversedpolitelywiththedamselswhodispensedthetowels,andeverynowandthenpitchedthemselvesintotheriverheadforemost,andcameoutagaintorepeatthissocialroutine.Imadehastetoparticipateinthewaterpartoftheentertainments,andwasinthefullenjoymentofadelightfulbath,whenallinamomentIwasseizedwithanunreasonableideathatthelargedarkbodywasfloatingstraightatme.

Iwasoutoftheriver,anddressinginstantly.IntheshockIhadtakensomewaterintomymouth,anditturnedmesick,forIfanciedthatthecontaminationofthecreaturewasinit.Ihadgotbacktomycooldarkenedroominthehotel,andwaslyingonasofathere,beforeIbegantoreasonwithmyself.

Ofcourse,Iknewperfectlywellthatthelargedarkcreaturewasstonedead,andthatIshouldnomorecomeuponhimoutoftheplacewhereIhadseenhimdead,thanIshouldcomeuponthecathedralofNotre-Dameinanentirelynewsituation.Whattroubledmewasthepictureofthecreature;andthathadsocuriouslyandstronglypainteditselfuponmybrain,thatIcouldnotgetridofituntilitwaswornout.

Inoticedthepeculiaritiesofthispossession,whileitwasarealdiscomforttome.Thatveryday,atdinner,somemorselonmyplatelookedlikeapieceofhim,andIwasgladtogetupandgoout.Laterintheevening,IwaswalkingalongtheRueSt.Honoré,whenIsawabillatapublicroomthere,announcingsmall-swordexercise,broad-swordexercise,wrestling,andothersuchfeats.Iwentin,andsomeofthesword-playbeingveryskilful,remained.Aspecimenofourownnationalsport,TheBritishBoaxe,wasannouncedtobegivenatthecloseoftheevening.Inanevilhour,IdeterminedtowaitforthisBoaxe,asbecameaBriton.Itwasaclumsyspecimen(executedbytwoEnglishgroomsoutofplace),butoneofthecombatants,receivingastraightright-handerwiththeglovebetweenhiseyes,didexactlywhatthelargedarkcreatureintheMorguehadseemedgoingtodo—andfinishedmeforthatnight.

Therewasratherasicklysmell(notatallanunusualfragranceinParis)inthelittleante-roomofmyapartmentatthehotel.ThelargedarkcreatureintheMorguewasbynodirectexperienceassociatedwithmysenseofsmell,because,whenIcametotheknowledgeofhim,helaybehindawallofthickplate-glassasgoodasawallofsteelormarbleforthatmatter.Yetthewhiffoftheroomneverfailedtoreproducehim.Whatwasmorecurious,wasthecapriciousnesswithwhichhisportraitseemedtolightitselfupinmymind,elsewhere.ImightbewalkinginthePalaisRoyal,lazilyenjoyingtheshopwindows,andmightberegalingmyselfwithoneoftheready-madeclothesshopsthataresetoutthere.Myeyes,wanderingoverimpossible-waisteddressing-gownsandluminous

waistcoats,wouldfalluponthemaster,ortheshopman,oreventheverydummyatthedoor,andwouldsuggesttome,‘Somethinglikehim!’—andinstantlyIwassickenedagain.

Thiswouldhappenatthetheatre,inthesamemanner.Oftenitwouldhappeninthestreet,whenIcertainlywasnotlookingforthelikeness,andwhenprobablytherewasnolikenessthere.ItwasnotbecausethecreaturewasdeadthatIwassohaunted,becauseIknowthatImighthavebeen(andIknowitbecauseIhavebeen)equallyattendedbytheimageofalivingaversion.Thislastedaboutaweek.Thepicturedidnotfadebydegrees,inthesensethatitbecameawhitlessforcibleanddistinct,butinthesensethatitobtrudeditselflessandlessfrequently.Theexperiencemaybeworthconsideringbysomewhohavethecareofchildren.Itwouldbedifficulttooverstatetheintensityandaccuracyofanintelligentchild’sobservation.Atthatimpressibletimeoflife,itmustsometimesproduceafixedimpression.Ifthefixedimpressionbeofanobjectterribletothechild,itwillbe(forwantofreasoningupon)inseparablefromgreatfear.Forcethechildatsuchatime,beSpartanwithit,senditintothedarkagainstitswill,leaveitinalonelybedroomagainstitswill,andyouhadbettermurderit.

OnabrightmorningIrattledawayfromParis,intheGermanchariot,andleftthelargedarkcreaturebehindmeforgood.Ioughttoconfess,though,thatIhadbeendrawnbacktotheMorgue,afterhewasputunderground,tolookathisclothes,andthatIfoundthemfrightfullylikehim—particularlyhisboots.However,IrattledawayforSwitzerland,lookingforwardandnotbackward,andsowepartedcompany.

Welcomeagain,thelong,longspellofFrance,withthequeercountryinns,fullofvasesofflowersandclocks,inthedulllittletown,andwiththelittlepopulationnotatalldullonthelittleBoulevardintheevening,underthelittletrees!WelcomeMonsieurtheCuré,walkingaloneintheearlymorningashortwayoutofthetown,readingthateternalBreviaryofyours,whichsurelymightbealmostread,withoutbook,bythistime!WelcomeMonsieurtheCuré,laterintheday,joltingthroughthehighwaydust(asifyouhadalreadyascendedtothecloudyregion),inaverybig-headedcabriolet,withthedriedmudofadozenwintersonit.WelcomeagainMonsieurtheCuré,asweexchangesalutations;you,straighteningyourbacktolookattheGermanchariot,whilepickinginyourlittlevillagegardenavegetableortwofortheday’ssoup:I,lookingoutoftheGermanchariotwindowinthatdelicioustraveller’strancewhichknowsnocares,noyesterdays,noto-morrows,nothingbutthepassingobjectsandthepassingscentsandsounds!AndsoIcame,induecourseofdelight,toStrasbourg,whereIpassedawetSundayeveningatawindow,whileanidletrifleofavaudevillewasplayedformeattheoppositehouse.

Howsuchalargehousecametohaveonlythreepeoplelivinginit,wasitsownaffair.Therewereatleastascoreofwindowsinitshighroofalone;howmanyinitsgrotesquefront,Isoongaveupcounting.Theownerwasashopkeeper,bynameStraudenheim;bytrade—Icouldn’tmakeoutwhatbytrade,forhehadforbornetowritethatup,andhisshopwasshut.

Atfirst,asIlookedatStraudenheim’s,throughthesteadilyfallingrain,Isethimupinbusinessinthegoose-liverline.But,inspectionofStraudenheim,whobecamevisibleatawindowonthesecondfloor,convincedmethattherewassomethingmorepreciousthan

liverinthecase.Heworeablackvelvetskull-cap,andlookedusuriousandrich.Alarge-lipped,pear-nosedoldman,withwhitehair,andkeeneyes,thoughnear-sighted.Hewaswritingatadesk,wasStraudenheim,andeverandagainleftoffwriting,puthispeninhismouth,andwentthroughactionswithhisrighthand,likeamansteadyingpilesofcash.Five-francpieces,Straudenheim,orgoldenNapoleons?Ajeweller,Straudenheim,adealerinmoney,adiamondmerchant,orwhat?

BelowStraudenheim,atawindowonthefirstfloor,sathishousekeeper—farfromyoung,butofacomelypresence,suggestiveofawell-maturedfootandankle.Shewascheerilydressed,hadafaninherhand,andworelargegoldearringsandalargegoldcross.Shewouldhavebeenoutholiday-making(asIsettledit)butforthepestilentrain.Strasbourghadgivenupholiday-makingforthatonce,asabadjob,becausetherainwasjerkingingushesoutoftheoldroof-spouts,andrunninginabrookdownthemiddleofthestreet.Thehousekeeper,herarmsfoldedonherbosomandherfantappingherchin,wasbrightandsmilingatheropenwindow,butotherwiseStraudenheim’shousefrontwasverydreary.Thehousekeeper’swastheonlyopenwindowinit;Straudenheimkepthimselfclose,thoughitwasasultryeveningwhenairispleasant,andthoughtherainhadbroughtintothetownthatvaguerefreshingsmellofgrasswhichraindoesbringinthesummer-time.

ThedimappearanceofamanatStraudenheim’sshoulder,inspiredmewithamisgivingthatsomebodyhadcometomurderthatflourishingmerchantforthewealthwithwhichIhadhandsomelyendowedhim:therather,asitwasanexcitedman,leanandlongoffigure,andevidentlystealthyoffoot.But,heconferredwithStraudenheiminsteadofdoinghimamortalinjury,andthentheybothsoftlyopenedtheotherwindowofthatroom—whichwasimmediatelyoverthehousekeeper’s—andtriedtoseeherbylookingdown.AndmyopinionofStraudenheimwasmuchloweredwhenIsawthateminentcitizenspitoutofwindow,clearlywiththehopeofspittingonthehousekeeper.

Theunconscioushousekeeperfannedherself,tossedherhead,andlaughed.ThoughunconsciousofStraudenheim,shewasconsciousofsomebodyelse—ofme?—therewasnobodyelse.

Afterleaningsofaroutofthewindow,thatIconfidentlyexpectedtoseetheirheelstiltup,Straudenheimandtheleanmandrewtheirheadsinandshutthewindow.Presently,thehousedoorsecretlyopened,andtheyslowlyandspitefullycreptforthintothepouringrain.Theywerecomingovertome(Ithought)todemandsatisfactionformylookingatthehousekeeper,whentheyplungedintoarecessinthearchitectureundermywindowanddraggedoutthepuniestoflittlesoldiers,begirtwiththemostinnocentoflittleswords.Thetallglazedhead-dressofthiswarrior,Straudenheiminstantlyknockedoff,andoutofitfelltwosugar-sticks,andthreeorfourlargelumpsofsugar.

Thewarriormadenoefforttorecoverhispropertyortopickuphisshako,butlookedwithanexpressionofattentionatStraudenheimwhenhekickedhimfivetimes,andalsoattheleanmanwhenhekickedhimfivetimes,andagainatStraudenheimwhenhetorethebreastofhis(thewarrior’s)littlecoatopen,andshookallhistenfingersinhisface,asiftheyweretenthousand.Whentheseoutrageshadbeencommitted,Straudenheimandhismanwentintothehouseagainandbarredthedoor.Awonderfulcircumstancewas,thatthehousekeeperwhosawitall(andwhocouldhavetakensixsuchwarriorstoherbuxom

bosomatonce),onlyfannedherselfandlaughedasshehadlaughedbefore,andseemedtohavenoopinionaboutit,onewayorother.

But,thechiefeffectofthedramawastheremarkablevengeancetakenbythelittlewarrior.Leftaloneintherain,hepickeduphisshako;putiton,allwetanddirtyasitwas;retiredintoacourt,ofwhichStraudenheim’shouseformedthecorner;wheeledabout;andbringinghistwoforefingersclosetothetopofhisnose,rubbedthemoveroneanother,cross-wise,inderision,defiance,andcontemptofStraudenheim.AlthoughStraudenheimcouldnotpossiblybesupposedtobeconsciousofthisstrangeproceeding,itsoinflatedandcomfortedthelittlewarrior’ssoul,thattwicehewentaway,andtwicecamebackintothecourttorepeatit,asthoughitmustgoadhisenemytomadness.Notonlythat,butheafterwardscamebackwithtwoothersmallwarriors,andtheyallthreedidittogether.Notonlythat—asIlivetotellthetale!—butjustasitwasfallingquitedark,thethreecameback,bringingwiththemahugebeardedSapper,whomtheymoved,byrecitaloftheoriginalwrong,togothroughthesameperformance,withthesamecompleteabsenceofallpossibleknowledgeofitonthepartofStraudenheim.Andthentheyallwentaway,arminarm,singing.

Iwentawaytoo,intheGermanchariotatsunrise,andrattledon,dayafterday,likeoneinasweetdream;withsomanyclearlittlebellsontheharnessofthehorses,thatthenurseryrhymeaboutBanburyCrossandthevenerableladywhorodeinstatethere,wasalwaysinmyears.AndnowIcametothelandofwoodenhouses,innocentcakes,thinbuttersoup,andspotlesslittleinnbedroomswithafamilylikenesstoDairies.AndnowtheSwissmarksmenwereforeverrifle-shootingatmarksacrossgorges,soexceedinglynearmyear,thatIfeltlikeanewGeslerinaCantonofTells,andwentinhighly-deserveddangerofmytyrannicallife.Theprizesattheseshootings,werewatches,smarthandkerchiefs,hats,spoons,and(aboveall)tea-trays;andatthesecontestsIcameuponamorethanusuallyaccomplishedandamiablecountrymanofmyown,whohadshothimselfdeafinwholeyearsofcompetition,andhadwonsomanytea-traysthathewentaboutthecountrywithhiscarriagefullofthem,likeaglorifiedCheap-Jack.

Inthemountain-countryintowhichIhadnowtravelled,ayokeofoxenweresometimeshookedonbeforethepost-horses,andIwentlumberingup,up,up,throughmistandrain,withtheroaroffallingwaterforchangeofmusic.Ofasudden,mistandrainwouldclearaway,andIwouldcomedownintopicturesquelittletownswithgleamingspiresandoddtowers;andwouldstrollafootintomarket-placesinsteepwindingstreets,whereahundredwomeninbodices,soldeggsandhoney,butterandfruit,andsuckledtheirchildrenastheysatbytheircleanbaskets,andhadsuchenormousgoîtres(orglandularswellingsinthethroat)thatitbecameasciencetoknowwherethenurseendedandthechildbegan.Aboutthistime,IdesertedmyGermanchariotforthebackofamule(incolourandconsistencysoverylikeadustyoldhairtrunkIoncehadatschool,thatIhalfexpectedtoseemyinitialsinbrass-headednailsonhisbackbone),andwentupathousandruggedways,andlookeddownatathousandwoodsoffirandpine,andwouldonthewholehavepreferredmymule’skeepingalittlenearertotheinside,andnotusuallytravellingwithahoofortwoovertheprecipice—thoughmuchconsoledbyexplanationthatthiswastobeattributedtohisgreatsagacity,byreasonofhiscarryingbroadloadsofwoodatothertimes,andnotbeingclearbutthatImyselfbelongedtothatstationoflife,andrequiredasmuchroomasthey.Hebroughtmesafely,inhisownwiseway,among

thepassesoftheAlps,andhereIenjoyedadozenclimatesaday;beingnow(likeDonQuixoteonthebackofthewoodenhorse)intheregionofwind,nowintheregionoffire,nowintheregionofunmeltingiceandsnow.Here,Ipassedovertremblingdomesofice,beneathwhichthecataractwasroaring;andherewasreceivedunderarchesoficicles,ofunspeakablebeauty;andherethesweetairwassobracingandsolight,thatathalting-timesIrolledinthesnowwhenIsawmymuledoit,thinkingthathemustknowbest.Atthispartofthejourneywewouldcome,atmid-day,intohalfanhour’sthaw:whentheroughmountaininnwouldbefoundonanislandofdeepmudinaseaofsnow,whilethebaitingstringsofmules,andthecartsfullofcasksandbales,whichhadbeeninanArcticconditionamileoff,wouldsteamagain.Bysuchwaysandmeans,IwouldcometotheclusterofchâletswhereIhadtoturnoutofthetracktoseethewaterfall;andthen,utteringahowllikeayounggiant,onespyingatraveller—inotherwords,somethingtoeat—comingupthesteep,theidiotlyingonthewood-pilewhosunnedhimselfandnursedhisgoître,wouldrousethewoman-guidewithinthehut,whowouldstreamouthastily,throwingherchildoveroneofhershouldersandhergoîtreovertheother,asshecamealong.Isleptatreligioushouses,andbleakrefugesofmanykinds,onthisjourney,andbythestoveatnightheardstoriesoftravellerswhohadperishedwithincall,inwreathsanddriftsofsnow.Onenightthestovewithin,andthecoldoutside,awakenedchildishassociationslongforgotten,andIdreamedIwasinRussia—theidenticalserfoutofapicture-bookIhad,beforeIcouldreaditformyself—andthatIwasgoingtobeknoutedbyanoblepersonageinafurcap,boots,andearrings,who,Ithink,musthavecomeoutofsomemelodrama.

Commendmetothebeautifulwatersamongthesemountains!ThoughIwasnotoftheirmind:they,beinginveteratelybentongettingdownintothelevelcountry,andIardentlydesiringtolingerwhereIwas.Whatdesperateleapstheytook,whatdarkabyssestheyplungedinto,whatrockstheyworeaway,whatechoestheyinvoked!InonepartwhereIwent,theywerepressedintotheserviceofcarryingwooddown,tobeburntnextwinter,ascostlyfuel,inItaly.But,theirfiercesavagenaturewasnottobeeasilyconstrained,andtheyfoughtwitheverylimbofthewood;whirlingitroundandround,strippingitsbarkaway,dashingitagainstpointedcorners,drivingitoutofthecourse,androaringandflyingatthepeasantswhosteereditbackagainfromthebankwithlongstoutpoles.Alas!concurrentstreamsoftimeandwatercarriedmedownfast,andIcame,onanexquisitelyclearday,totheLausanneshoreoftheLakeofGeneva,whereIstoodlookingatthebrightbluewater,theflushedwhitemountainsopposite,andtheboatsatmyfeetwiththeirfurledMediterraneansails,showinglikeenormousmagnificationsofthisgoose-quillpenthatisnowinmyhand.

—Theskybecameovercastwithoutanynotice;awindveryliketheMarcheastwindofEngland,blewacrossme;andavoicesaid,‘Howdoyoulikeit?Willitdo?’

Ihadmerelyshutmyself,forhalfaminute,inaGermantravellingchariotthatstoodforsaleintheCarriageDepartmentoftheLondonPantechnicon.Ihadacommissiontobuyit,forafriendwhowasgoingabroad;andthelookandmannerofthechariot,asItriedthecushionsandthesprings,broughtallthesehintsoftravellingremembrancebeforeme.

‘Itwilldoverywell,’saidI,rathersorrowfully,asIgotoutattheotherdoor,andshutthecarriageup.

VIIITHEGREATTASMANIA’SCARGO

ITRAVELconstantly,upanddownacertainlineofrailwaythathasaterminusinLondon.Itistherailwayforalargemilitarydepôt,andforotherlargebarracks.Tothebestofmyseriousbelief,Ihaveneverbeenonthatrailwaybydaylight,withoutseeingsomehandcuffeddesertersinthetrain.

ItisinthenatureofthingsthatsuchaninstitutionasourEnglisharmyshouldhavemanybadandtroublesomecharactersinit.But,thisisareasonfor,andnotagainst,itsbeingmadeasacceptableaspossibletowell-disposedmenofdecentbehaviour.Suchmenareassuredlynottemptedintotheranks,bythebeastlyinversionofnaturallaws,andthecompulsiontoliveinworsethanswinishfoulness.Accordingly,whenanysuchCircumlocutionalembellishmentsofthesoldier’sconditionhaveoflatebeenbroughttonotice,wecivilians,seatedinouterdarknesscheerfullymeditatingonanIncomeTax,haveconsideredthematterasbeingourbusiness,andhaveshownatendencytodeclarethatwewouldrathernothaveitmisregulated,ifsuchdeclarationmay,withoutviolencetotheChurchCatechism,behintedtothosewhoareputinauthorityoverus.

Anyanimateddescriptionofamodernbattle,anyprivatesoldier’sletterpublishedinthenewspapers,anypageoftherecordsoftheVictoriaCross,willshowthatintheranksofthearmy,thereexistsunderalldisadvantagesasfineasenseofdutyasistobefoundinanystationonearth.Whodoubtsthatifwealldidourdutyasfaithfullyasthesoldierdoeshis,thisworldwouldbeabetterplace?Theremaybegreaterdifficultiesinourwaythaninthesoldier’s.Notdisputed.But,letusatleastdoourdutytowardshim.

IhadgotbackagaintothatrichandbeautifulportwhereIhadlookedafterMercantileJack,andIwaswalkingupahillthere,onawildMarchmorning.MyconversationwithmyofficialfriendPangloss,bywhomIwasaccidentallyaccompanied,tookthisdirectionaswetooktheup-hilldirection,becausetheobjectofmyuncommercialjourneywastoseesomedischargedsoldierswhohadrecentlycomehomefromIndia.ThereweremenofHAVELOCK’Samongthem;thereweremenwhohadbeeninmanyofthegreatbattlesofthegreatIndiancampaign,amongthem;andIwascurioustonotewhatourdischargedsoldierslookedlike,whentheyweredonewith.

Iwasnotthelessinterested(asImentionedtomyofficialfriendPangloss)becausethesemenhadclaimedtobedischarged,whentheirrighttobedischargedwasnotadmitted.Theyhadbehavedwithunblemishedfidelityandbravery;but,achangeofcircumstanceshadarisen,which,astheyconsidered,putanendtotheircompactandentitledthemtoenteronanewone.TheirdemandhadbeenblunderinglyresistedbytheauthoritiesinIndia:but,itistobepresumedthatthemenwerenotfarwrong,inasmuchasthebunglehadendedintheirbeingsenthomedischarged,inpursuanceofordersfromhome.(Therewasanimmensewasteofmoney,ofcourse.)

Underthesecircumstances—thoughtI,asIwalkedupthehill,onwhichIaccidentallyencounteredmyofficialfriend—underthesecircumstancesofthemenhavingsuccessfully

opposedthemselvestothePagodaDepartmentofthatgreatCircumlocutionOfficeonwhichthesunneversetsandthelightofreasonneverrises,thePagodaDepartmentwillhavebeenparticularlycarefulofthenationalhonour.Itwillhaveshownthesemen,inthescrupulousgoodfaith,nottosaythegenerosity,ofitsdealingwiththem,thatgreatnationalauthoritiescanhavenosmallretaliationsandrevenges.Itwillhavemadeeveryprovisionfortheirhealthonthepassagehome,andwillhavelandedthem,restoredfromtheircampaigningfatiguesbyasea-voyage,pureair,soundfood,andgoodmedicines.AndIpleasedmyselfwithdwellingbeforehand,onthegreataccountsoftheirpersonaltreatmentwhichthesemenwouldcarryintotheirvarioustownsandvillages,andontheincreasingpopularityoftheservicethatwouldinsensiblyfollow.Ialmostbegantohopethatthehitherto-never-failingdesertersonmyrailroadwouldby-and-bybecomeaphenomenon.

InthisagreeableframeofmindIenteredtheworkhouseofLiverpool.—For,thecultivationoflaurelsinasandysoil,hadbroughtthesoldiersinquestiontothatabodeofGlory.

Beforegoingintotheirwardstovisitthem,Iinquiredhowtheyhadmadetheirtriumphantentrythere?Theyhadbeenbroughtthroughtherainincartsitseemed,fromthelanding-placetothegate,andhadthenbeencarriedup-stairsonthebacksofpaupers.Theirgroansandpainsduringtheperformanceofthisgloriouspageant,hadbeensodistressing,astobringtearsintotheeyesofspectatorsbuttoowellaccustomedtoscenesofsuffering.Themenweresodreadfullycold,thatthosewhocouldgetnearthefireswerehardtoberestrainedfromthrustingtheirfeetinamongtheblazingcoals.Theyweresohorriblyreduced,thattheywereawfultolookupon.Rackedwithdysenteryandblackenedwithscurvy,onehundredandfortywretchedsoldiershadbeenrevivedwithbrandyandlaidinbed.

MyofficialfriendPanglossislineallydescendedfromalearneddoctorofthatname,whowasoncetutortoCandide,aningeniousyounggentlemanofsomecelebrity.Inhispersonalcharacter,heisashumaneandworthyagentlemanasanyIknow;inhisofficialcapacity,heunfortunatelypreachesthedoctrinesofhisrenownedancestor,bydemonstratingonalloccasionsthatweliveinthebestofallpossibleofficialworlds.

‘InthenameofHumanity,’saidI,‘howdidthemenfallintothisdeplorablestate?Wastheshipwellfoundinstores?’

‘IamnotheretoasseveratethatIknowthefact,ofmyownknowledge,’answeredPangloss,‘butIhavegroundsforassertingthatthestoreswerethebestofallpossiblestores.’

Amedicalofficerlaidbeforeus,ahandfulofrottenbiscuit,andahandfulofsplitpeas.Thebiscuitwasahoneycombedheapofmaggots,andtheexcrementofmaggots.Thepeaswereevenharderthanthisfilth.Asimilarhandfulhadbeenexperimentallyboiledsixhours,andhadshownnosignsofsoftening.Thesewerethestoresonwhichthesoldiershadbeenfed.

‘Thebeef—’Ibegan,whenPanglosscutmeshort.

‘Wasthebestofallpossiblebeef,’saidhe.

But,behold,therewaslaidbeforeuscertainevidencegivenattheCoroner’sInquest,holdenonsomeofthemen(whohadobstinatelydiedoftheirtreatment),andfromthatevidenceitappearedthatthebeefwastheworstofpossiblebeef!

‘ThenIlaymyhanduponmyheart,andtakemystand,’saidPangloss,‘bythepork,whichwasthebestofallpossiblepork.’

‘Butlookatthisfoodbeforeoureyes,ifonemaysomisusetheword,’saidI.‘WouldanyInspectorwhodidhisduty,passsuchabomination?’

‘Itoughtnottohavebeenpassed,’Panglossadmitted.

‘Thentheauthoritiesoutthere—’Ibegan,whenPanglosscutmeshortagain.

‘Therewouldcertainlyseemtohavebeensomethingwrongsomewhere,’saidhe;‘butIampreparedtoprovethattheauthoritiesoutthere,arethebestofallpossibleauthorities.’

Ineverheardofanyimpeachedpublicauthorityinmylife,whowasnotthebestpublicauthorityinexistence.

‘Wearetoldoftheseunfortunatemenbeinglaidlowbyscurvy,’saidI.‘Sincelime-juicehasbeenregularlystoredandservedoutinournavy,surelythatdisease,whichusedtodevastateit,hasalmostdisappeared?Wastherelime-juiceaboardthistransport?’

Myofficialfriendwasbeginning‘thebestofallpossible—’whenaninconvenientmedicalforefingerpointedoutanotherpassageintheevidence,fromwhichitappearedthatthelime-juicehadbeenbadtoo.Nottomentionthatthevinegarhadbeenbadtoo,thevegetablesbadtoo,thecookingaccommodationinsufficient(iftherehadbeenanythingworthmentioningtocook),thewatersupplyexceedinglyinadequate,andthebeersour.

‘Thenthemen,’saidPangloss,alittleirritated,‘Weretheworstofallpossiblemen.’

‘Inwhatrespect?’Iasked.

‘Oh!Habitualdrunkards,’saidPangloss.

But,againthesameincorrigiblemedicalforefingerpointedoutanotherpassageintheevidence,showingthatthedeadmenhadbeenexaminedafterdeath,andthatthey,atleast,couldnotpossiblyhavebeenhabitualdrunkards,becausetheorganswithinthemwhichmusthaveshowntracesofthathabit,wereperfectlysound.

‘Andbesides,’saidthethreedoctorspresent,‘oneandall,habitualdrunkardsbroughtaslowasthesemenhavebeen,couldnotrecoverundercareandfood,asthegreatmajorityofthesemenarerecovering.Theywouldnothavestrengthofconstitutiontodoit.’

‘Recklessandimprovidentdogs,then,’saidPangloss.‘Alwaysare—ninetimesoutoften.’

Iturnedtothemasteroftheworkhouse,andaskedhimwhetherthemenhadanymoney?

‘Money?’saidhe.‘Ihaveinmyironsafe,nearlyfourhundredpoundsoftheirs;theagentshavenearlyahundredpoundsmoreandmanyofthemhaveleftmoneyinIndianbanksbesides.’

‘Hah!’saidItomyself,aswewentup-stairs,‘thisisnotthebestofallpossiblestories,I

doubt!’

Wewentintoalargeward,containingsometwentyorfive-and-twentybeds.Wewentintoseveralsuchwards,oneafteranother.IfinditverydifficulttoindicatewhatashockingsightIsawinthem,withoutfrighteningthereaderfromtheperusaloftheselines,anddefeatingmyobjectofmakingitknown.

OthesunkeneyesthatturnedtomeasIwalkedbetweentherowsofbeds,or—worsestill—thatglazedlylookedatthewhiteceiling,andsawnothingandcaredfornothing!Here,laytheskeletonofaman,solightlycoveredwithathinunwholesomeskin,thatnotaboneintheanatomywasclothed,andIcouldclaspthearmabovetheelbow,inmyfingerandthumb.Here,layamanwiththeblackscurvyeatinghislegsaway,hisgumsgone,andhisteethallgauntandbare.Thisbedwasempty,becausegangrenehadsetin,andthepatienthaddiedbutyesterday.Thatbedwasahopelessone,becauseitsoccupantwassinkingfast,andcouldonlyberousedtoturnthepoorpinchedmaskoffaceuponthepillow,withafeeblemoan.Theawfulthinnessofthefallencheeks,theawfulbrightnessofthedeepseteyes,thelipsoflead,thehandsofivory,therecumbenthumanimageslyingintheshadowofdeathwithakindofsolemntwilightonthem,likethesixtywhohaddiedaboardtheshipandwerelyingatthebottomofthesea,OPangloss,GODforgiveyou!

Inonebed,layamanwhoselifehadbeensaved(asitwashoped)bydeepincisionsinthefeetandlegs.WhileIwasspeakingtohim,anursecameuptochangethepoulticeswhichthisoperationhadrenderednecessary,andIhadaninstinctivefeelingthatitwasnotwelltoturnaway,merelytosparemyself.Hewassorelywastedandkeenlysusceptible,buttheeffortshemadetosubdueanyexpressionofimpatienceorsuffering,werequiteheroic.Itwaseasytosee,intheshrinkingofthefigure,andthedrawingofthebed-clothesoverthehead,howacutetheendurancewas,anditmademeshrinktoo,asifIwereinpain;but,whenthenewbandageswereon,andthepoorfeetwerecomposedagain,hemadeanapologyforhimself(thoughhehadnotutteredaword),andsaidplaintively,‘Iamsotenderandweak,yousee,sir!’Neitherfromhimnorfromanyonesuffererofthewholeghastlynumber,didIhearacomplaint.Ofthankfulnessforpresentsolicitudeandcare,Iheardmuch;ofcomplaint,notaword.

IthinkIcouldhaverecognisedinthedismalestskeletonthere,theghostofasoldier.SomethingoftheoldairwasstilllatentinthepalestshadowoflifeItalkedto.Oneemaciatedcreature,inthestrictestliteralityworntothebone,laystretchedonhisback,lookingsolikedeaththatIaskedoneofthedoctorsifhewerenotdying,ordead?Afewkindwordsfromthedoctor,inhisear,andheopenedhiseyes,andsmiled—looked,inamoment,asifhewouldhavemadeasalute,ifhecould.‘Weshallpullhimthrough,pleaseGod,’saidtheDoctor.‘PlaseGod,surr,andthankye,’saidthepatient.‘Youaremuchbetterto-day;areyounot?’saidtheDoctor.‘PlaseGod,surr;’tistheslapeIwant,surr;’tismybreathin’makesthenightssolong.’‘Heisacarefulfellowthis,youmustknow,’saidtheDoctor,cheerfully;‘itwasraininghardwhentheyputhimintheopencarttobringhimhere,andhehadthepresenceofmindtoasktohaveasovereigntakenoutofhispocketthathehadthere,andacabengaged.Probablyitsavedhislife.’Thepatientrattledouttheskeletonofalaugh,andsaid,proudofthestory,‘’Deed,surr,anopencairtwasacomicalmeanso’bringin’adyin’manhere,andacleverwaytokillhim.’You

mighthavesworntohimforasoldierwhenhesaidit.

Onethinghadperplexedmeverymuchingoingfrombedtobed.Averysignificantandcruelthing.Icouldfindnoyoungmanbutone.Hehadattractedmynotice,byhavinggotupanddressedhimselfinhissoldier’sjacketandtrousers,withtheintentionofsittingbythefire;buthehadfoundhimselftooweak,andhadcreptbacktohisbedandlaidhimselfdownontheoutsideofit.Icouldhavepronouncedhim,alone,tobeayoungmanagedbyfamineandsickness.AswewerestandingbytheIrishsoldier’sbed,ImentionedmyperplexitytotheDoctor.HetookaboardwithaninscriptiononitfromtheheadoftheIrishman’sbed,andaskedmewhatageIsupposedthatmantobe?Ihadobservedhimwithattentionwhiletalkingtohim,andanswered,confidently,‘Fifty.’TheDoctor,withapityingglanceatthepatient,whohaddroppedintoastuporagain,puttheboardback,andsaid,‘Twenty-four.’

Allthearrangementsofthewardswereexcellent.Theycouldnothavebeenmorehumane,sympathising,gentle,attentive,orwholesome.Theownersoftheship,too,haddonealltheycould,liberally.Therewerebrightfiresineveryroom,andtheconvalescentmenweresittingroundthem,readingvariouspapersandperiodicals.ItookthelibertyofinvitingmyofficialfriendPanglosstolookatthoseconvalescentmen,andtotellmewhethertheirfacesandbearingwereorwerenot,generally,thefacesandbearingofsteadyrespectablesoldiers?Themasteroftheworkhouse,overhearingme,saidhehadhadaprettylargeexperienceoftroops,andthatbetterconductedmenthanthese,hehadneverhadtodowith.Theywerealways(headded)aswesawthem.Andofusvisitors(Iadd)theyknewnothingwhatever,exceptthatwewerethere.

Itwasaudaciousinme,butItookanotherlibertywithPangloss.Prefacingitwiththeobservationthat,ofcourse,Iknewbeforehandthattherewasnotthefaintestdesire,anywhere,tohushupanypartofthisdreadfulbusiness,andthattheInquestwasthefairestofallpossibleInquests,IbesoughtfourthingsofPangloss.Firstly,toobservethattheInquestwasnotheldinthatplace,butatsomedistanceoff.Secondly,tolookrounduponthosehelplessspectresintheirbeds.Thirdly,torememberthatthewitnessesproducedfromamongthembeforethatInquest,couldnothavebeenselectedbecausetheywerethemenwhohadthemosttotellit,butbecausetheyhappenedtobeinastateadmittingoftheirsaferemoval.Fourthly,tosaywhetherthecoronerandjurycouldhavecomethere,tothosepillows,andtakenalittleevidence?Myofficialfrienddeclinedtocommithimselftoareply.

Therewasasergeant,reading,inoneofthefiresidegroups.Ashewasamanofveryintelligentcountenance,andasIhaveagreatrespectfornon-commissionedofficersasaclass,Isatdownonthenearestbed,tohavesometalkwithhim.(Itwasthebedofoneofthegrisliestofthepoorskeletons,andhediedsoonafterwards.)

‘Iwasgladtosee,intheevidenceofanofficerattheInquest,sergeant,thatheneversawmenbehavebetteronboardshipthanthesemen.’

‘Theydidbehaveverywell,sir.’

‘Iwasgladtosee,too,thateverymanhadahammock.’Thesergeantgravelyshookhishead.‘Theremustbesomemistake,sir.Themenofmyownmesshadnohammocks.Therewerenothammocksenoughonboard,andthemenofthetwonextmesseslaidhold

ofhammocksforthemselvesassoonastheygotonboard,andsqueezedmymenout,asImaysay.’

‘Hadthesqueezed-outmennonethen?’

‘None,sir.Asmendied,theirhammockswereusedbyothermen,whowantedhammocks;butmanymenhadnoneatall.’

‘Thenyoudon’tagreewiththeevidenceonthatpoint?’

‘Certainlynot,sir.Amancan’t,whenheknowstothecontrary.’

‘Didanyofthemenselltheirbeddingfordrink?’

‘Thereissomemistakeonthatpointtoo,sir.Menwereundertheimpression—Iknewitforafactatthetime—thatitwasnotallowedtotakeblanketsorbeddingonboard,andsomenwhohadthingsofthatsortcametosellthempurposely.’

‘Didanyofthemenselltheirclothesfordrink?’

‘Theydid,sir.’(Ibelievethereneverwasamoretruthfulwitnessthanthesergeant.Hehadnoinclinationtomakeoutacase.)

‘Many?’

‘Some,sir’(consideringthequestion).‘Soldier-like.Theyhadbeenlongmarchingintherainyseason,bybadroads—noroadsatall,inshort—andwhentheygottoCalcutta,menturnedtoanddrank,beforetakingalastlookatit.Soldier-like.’

‘Doyouseeanymeninthisward,forexample,whosoldclothesfordrinkatthattime?’

Thesergeant’swaneye,happilyjustbeginningtorekindlewithhealth,travelledroundtheplaceandcamebacktome.‘Certainly,sir.’

‘ThemarchingtoCalcuttaintherainyseasonmusthavebeensevere?’

‘Itwasverysevere,sir.’

‘Yetwhatwiththerestandtheseaair,Ishouldhavethoughtthatthemen(eventhemenwhogotdrunk)wouldhavesoonbeguntorecoveronboardship?’

‘Sotheymight;butthebadfoodtolduponthem,andwhenwegotintoacoldlatitude,itbegantotellmore,andthemendropped.’

‘Thesickhadageneraldisinclinationforfood,Iamtold,sergeant?’

‘Haveyouseenthefood,sir?’

‘Someofit.’

‘Haveyouseenthestateoftheirmouths,sir?’

Ifthesergeant,whowasamanofafeworderlywords,hadspokentheamountofthisvolume,hecouldnothavesettledthatquestionbetter.Ibelievethesickcouldassoonhaveeatentheship,astheship’sprovisions.

ItooktheadditionallibertywithmyfriendPangloss,whenIhadleftthesergeantwithgoodwishes,ofaskingPanglosswhetherhehadeverheardofbiscuitgettingdrunkandbarteringitsnutritiousqualitiesforputrefactionandvermin;ofpeasbecominghardenedin

liquor;ofhammocksdrinkingthemselvesoffthefaceoftheearth;oflime-juice,vegetables,vinegar,cookingaccommodation,watersupply,andbeer,alltakingtodrinkingtogetherandgoingtoruin?‘Ifnot(Iaskedhim),whatdidhesayindefenceoftheofficerscondemnedbytheCoroner’sjury,who,bysigningtheGeneralInspectionreportrelativetotheshipGreatTasmania,charteredforthesetroops,haddeliberatelyassertedallthatbadandpoisonousdunghillrefuse,tobegoodandwholesomefood?’Myofficialfriendrepliedthatitwasaremarkablefact,thatwhereassomeofficerswereonlypositivelygood,andotherofficersonlycomparativelybetter,thoseparticularofficersweresuperlativelytheverybestofallpossibleofficers.

Myhandandmyheartfailme,inwritingmyrecordofthisjourney.Thespectacleofthesoldiersinthehospital-bedsofthatLiverpoolworkhouse(averygoodworkhouse,indeed,beitunderstood),wassoshockingandsoshameful,thatasanEnglishmanIblushtorememberit.Itwouldhavebeensimplyunbearableatthetime,butfortheconsiderationandpitywithwhichtheyweresoothedintheirsufferings.

Nopunishmentthatourinefficientlawsprovide,isworthyofthenamewhensetagainsttheguiltofthistransaction.But,ifthememoryofitdieoutunavenged,andifitdonotresultintheinexorabledismissalanddisgraceofthosewhoareresponsibleforit,theirescapewillbeinfamoustotheGovernment(nomatterofwhatparty)thatsoneglectsitsduty,andinfamoustothenationthattamelysufferssuchintolerablewrongtobedoneinitsname.

IXCITYOFLONDONCHURCHES

IFtheconfessionthatIhaveoftentravelledfromthisCoventGardenlodgingofmineonSundays,shouldgiveoffencetothosewhonevertravelonSundays,theywillbesatisfied(Ihope)bymyaddingthatthejourneysinquestionweremadetochurches.

NotthatIhaveanycuriositytohearpowerfulpreachers.Timewas,whenIwasdraggedbythehairofmyhead,asonemaysay,toheartoomany.Onsummerevenings,wheneveryflower,andtree,andbird,mighthavebetteraddressedmysoftyoungheart,Ihaveinmydaybeencaughtinthepalmofafemalehandbythecrown,havebeenviolentlyscrubbedfromthenecktotherootsofthehairasapurificationfortheTemple,andhavethenbeencarriedoffhighlychargedwithsaponaceouselectricity,tobesteamedlikeapotatointheunventilatedbreathofthepowerfulBoanergesBoilerandhiscongregation,untilwhatsmallmindIhad,wasquitesteamedoutofme.InwhichpitiableplightIhavebeenhaledoutoftheplaceofmeeting,attheconclusionoftheexercises,andcatechisedrespectingBoanergesBoiler,hisfifthly,hissixthly,andhisseventhly,untilIhaveregardedthatreverendpersoninthelightofamostdismalandoppressiveCharade.Timewas,whenIwascarriedofftoplatformassemblagesatwhichnohumanchild,whetherofwrathorgrace,couldpossiblykeepitseyesopen,andwhenIfeltthefatalsleepstealing,stealingoverme,andwhenIgraduallyheardtheoratorinpossession,spinningandhumminglikeagreattop,untilherolled,collapsed,andtumbledover,andIdiscoveredtomyburningshameandfear,thatastothatlaststageitwasnothe,butI.IhavesatunderBoanergeswhenhehasspecificallyaddressedhimselftous—us,theinfants—andatthispresentwritingIhearhislumberingjocularity(whichneveramusedus,thoughwebaselypretendedthatitdid),andIbeholdhisbigroundface,andIlookuptheinsideofhisoutstretchedcoat-sleeveasifitwereatelescopewiththestopperon,andIhatehimwithanunwholesomehatredfortwohours.ThroughsuchmeansdiditcometopassthatIknewthepowerfulpreacherfrombeginningtoend,alloverandallthrough,whileIwasveryyoung,andthatIlefthimbehindatanearlyperiodoflife.Peacebewithhim!Morepeacethanhebroughttome!

Now,Ihaveheardmanypreacherssincethattime—notpowerful;merelyChristian,unaffected,andreverential—andIhavehadmanysuchpreachersonmyrolloffriends.But,itwasnottohearthese,anymorethanthepowerfulclass,thatImademySundayjourneys.TheywerejourneysofcuriositytothenumerouschurchesintheCityofLondon.Itcameintomyheadoneday,herehadIbeencultivatingafamiliaritywithallthechurchesofRome,andIknewnothingoftheinsidesoftheoldchurchesofLondon!ThisbefellonaSundaymorning.Ibeganmyexpeditionsthatverysameday,andtheylastedmeayear.

IneverwantedtoknowthenamesofthechurchestowhichIwent,andtothishourIamprofoundlyignorantinthatparticularofatleastnine-tenthsofthem.Indeed,sayingthatIknowthechurchofoldGOWER’Stomb(heliesineffigywithhisheaduponhisbooks)tobethechurchofSaintSaviour’s,Southwark;andthechurchofMILTON’Stombtobethe

churchofCripplegate;andthechurchonCornhillwiththegreatgoldenkeystobethechurchofSaintPeter;IdoubtifIcouldpassacompetitiveexaminationinanyofthenames.NoquestiondidIeveraskoflivingcreatureconcerningthesechurches,andnoanswertoanyantiquarianquestiononthesubjectthatIeverputtobooks,shallharassthereader’ssoul.Afullhalfofmypleasureinthemaroseoutoftheirmystery;mysteriousIfoundthem;mysterioustheyshallremainforme.

WhereshallIbeginmyroundofhiddenandforgottenoldchurchesintheCityofLondon?

ItistwentyminutesshortofelevenonaSundaymorning,whenIstrolldownoneofthemanynarrowhillystreetsintheCitythattendduesouthtotheThames.Itismyfirstexperiment,andIhavecometotheregionofWhittingtoninanomnibus,andwehaveputdownafierce-eyed,spareoldwoman,whoseslate-colouredgownsmellsofherbs,andwhowalkedupAldersgate-streettosomechapelwhereshecomfortsherselfwithbrimstonedoctrine,Iwarrant.Wehavealsoputdownastouterandsweeteroldlady,withaprettylargeprayer-bookinanunfoldedpocket-handkerchief,whogotoutatacornerofacourtnearStationers’Hall,andwhoIthinkmustgotochurchthere,becausesheisthewidowofsomedeceasedoldCompany’sBeadle.Therestofourfreightweremerechancepleasure-seekersandruralwalkers,andwentontotheBlackwallrailway.Somanybellsareringing,whenIstandundecidedatastreetcorner,thateverysheepintheecclesiasticalfoldmightbeabell-wether.Thediscordanceisfearful.Mystateofindecisionisreferableto,andaboutequallydivisibleamong,fourgreatchurches,whichareallwithinsightandsound,allwithinthespaceofafewsquareyards.

AsIstandatthestreetcorner,Idon’tseeasmanyasfourpeopleatoncegoingtochurch,thoughIseeasmanyasfourchurcheswiththeirsteeplesclamouringforpeople.Ichoosemychurch,andgouptheflightofstepstothegreatentranceinthetower.Amouldytowerwithin,andlikeaneglectedwashhouse.Aropecomesthroughthebeamedroof,andamaninthecornerpullsitandclashesthebell—awhity-brownman,whoseclotheswereonceblack—amanwithflueonhim,andcobweb.Hestaresatme,wonderinghowIcomethere,andIstareathim,wonderinghowhecomesthere.Throughascreenofwoodandglass,Ipeepintothedimchurch.Abouttwentypeoplearediscernible,waitingtobegin.Christeningwouldseemtohavefadedoutofthischurchlongago,forthefonthasthedustofdesuetudethickuponit,anditswoodencover(shapedlikeanold-fashionedtureen-cover)looksasifitwouldn’tcomeoff,uponrequirement.IperceivethealtartobericketyandtheCommandmentsdamp.Enteringafterthissurvey,Ijostletheclergymaninhiscanonicals,whoisenteringtoofromadarklanebehindapewofstatewithcurtains,wherenobodysits.Thepewisornamentedwithfourbluewands,oncecarriedbyfoursomebodys,Isuppose,beforesomebodyelse,butwhichthereisnobodynowtoholdorreceivehonourfrom.Iopenthedoorofafamilypew,andshutmyselfin;ifIcouldoccupytwentyfamilypewsatonceImighthavethem.Theclerk,abriskyoungman(howdoeshecomehere?),glancesatmeknowingly,aswhoshouldsay,‘Youhavedoneitnow;youmuststop.’Organplays.Organ-loftisinasmallgalleryacrossthechurch;gallerycongregation,twogirls.Iwonderwithinmyselfwhatwillhappenwhenwearerequiredtosing.

Thereisapaleheapofbooksinthecornerofmypew,andwhiletheorgan,whichishoarseandsleepy,playsinsuchfashionthatIcanhearmoreoftherustyworkingofthe

stopsthanofanymusic,Ilookatthebooks,whicharemostlyboundinfadedbaizeandstuff.Theybelongedin1754,totheDowgatefamily;andwhowerethey?JaneComportmusthavemarriedYoungDowgate,andcomeintothefamilythatway;YoungDowgatewascourtingJaneComportwhenhegaveherherprayer-book,andrecordedthepresentationinthefly-leaf;ifJanewerefondofYoungDowgate,whydidshedieandleavethebookhere?Perhapsatthericketyaltar,andbeforethedampCommandments,she,Comport,hadtakenhim,Dowgate,inaflushofyouthfulhopeandjoy,andperhapsithadnotturnedoutinthelongrunasgreatasuccessaswasexpected?

Theopeningoftheservicerecallsmywanderingthoughts.Ithenfind,tomyastonishment,thatIhavebeen,andstillam,takingastrongkindofinvisiblesnuff,upmynose,intomyeyes,anddownmythroat.Iwink,sneeze,andcough.Theclerksneezes;theclergymanwinks;theunseenorganistsneezesandcoughs(andprobablywinks);allourlittlepartywink,sneeze,andcough.Thesnuffseemstobemadeofthedecayofmatting,wood,cloth,stone,iron,earth,andsomethingelse.Isthesomethingelse,thedecayofdeadcitizensinthevaultsbelow?AssureasDeathitis!Notonlyinthecold,dampFebruaryday,dowecoughandsneezedeadcitizens,allthroughtheservice,butdeadcitizenshavegotintotheverybellowsoftheorgan,andhalfchokedthesame.Westampourfeettowarmthem,anddeadcitizensariseinheavyclouds.Deadcitizensstickuponthewalls,andliepulverisedonthesounding-boardovertheclergyman’shead,and,whenagustofaircomes,tumbledownuponhim.

InthisfirstexperienceIwassonauseatedbytoomuchsnuff,madeoftheDowgatefamily,theComportbranch,andotherfamiliesandbranches,thatIgavebutlittleheedtoourdullmannerofamblingthroughtheservice;tothebriskclerk’smannerofencouragingustotryanoteortwoatpsalmtime;tothegallery-congregation’smannerofenjoyingashrillduet,withoutanotionoftimeortune;tothewhity-brownman’smannerofshuttingtheministerintothepulpit,andbeingveryparticularwiththelockofthedoor,asifhewereadangerousanimal.But,ItriedagainnextSunday,andsoonaccustomedmyselftothedeadcitizenswhenIfoundthatIcouldnotpossiblygetonwithoutthemamongtheCitychurches.

AnotherSunday.

Afterbeingagainrungforbyconflictingbells,likealegofmuttonoralacedhatahundredyearsago,Imakeselectionofachurchoddlyputawayinacorneramonganumberoflanes—asmallerchurchthanthelast,andanugly:ofaboutthedateofQueenAnne.Asacongregation,wearefourteenstrong:notcountinganexhaustedcharityschoolinagallery,whichhasdwindledawaytofourboys,andtwogirls.Intheporch,isabenefactionofloavesofbread,whichtherewouldseemtobenobodyleftintheexhaustedcongregationtoclaim,andwhichIsawanexhaustedbeadle,longfadedoutofuniform,eatingwithhiseyesforselfandfamilywhenIpassedin.Thereisalsoanexhaustedclerkinabrownwig,andtwoorthreeexhausteddoorsandwindowshavebeenbrickedup,andtheservicebooksaremusty,andthepulpitcushionsarethreadbare,andthewholeofthechurchfurnitureisinaveryadvancedstageofexhaustion.Wearethreeoldwomen(habitual),twoyounglovers(accidental),twotradesmen,onewithawifeandonealone,anauntandnephew,againtwogirls(thesetwogirlsdressedoutforchurchwitheverythingaboutthemlimpthatshouldbestiff,andviceversâ,areaninvariable

experience),andthreesniggeringboys.Theclergymanis,perhaps,thechaplainofaciviccompany;hehasthemoistandvinouslook,andekethebulbousboots,ofoneacquaintedwith’Twentyport,andcometvintages.

Wearesoquietinourdulnessthatthethreesniggeringboys,whohavegotawayintoacornerbythealtar-railing,giveusastart,likecrackers,whenevertheylaugh.Andthisremindsmeofmyownvillagechurchwhere,duringsermon-timeonbrightSundayswhenthebirdsareverymusicalindeed,farmers’boyspatteroutoverthestonepavement,andtheclerkstepsoutfromhisdeskafterthem,andisdistinctlyheardinthesummerreposetopursueandpunchtheminthechurchyard,andisseentoreturnwithameditativecountenance,makingbelievethatnothingofthesorthashappened.TheauntandnephewinthisCitychurcharemuchdisturbedbythesniggeringboys.Thenephewishimselfaboy,andthesniggererstempthimtosecularthoughtsofmarblesandstring,bysecretlyofferingsuchcommoditiestohisdistantcontemplation.ThisyoungSaintAnthonyforawhileresists,butpresentlybecomesabackslider,andindumbshowdefiesthesniggerersto‘heave’amarbleortwoinhisdirection.Hereinheisdetectedbytheaunt(arigorousreducedgentlewomanwhohasthechargeofoffices),andIperceivethatworthyrelativetopokehimintheside,withthecorrugatedhookedhandleofanancientumbrella.Thenephewrevengeshimselfforthis,byholdinghisbreathandterrifyinghiskinswomanwiththedreadbeliefthathehasmadeuphismindtoburst.Regardlessofwhispersandshakes,heswellsandbecomesdiscoloured,andyetagainswellsandbecomesdiscoloured,untiltheauntcanbearitnolonger,butleadshimout,withnovisibleneck,andwithhiseyesgoingbeforehimlikeaprawn’s.Thiscausesthesniggererstoregardflightasaneligiblemove,andIknowwhichofthemwillgooutfirst,becauseoftheover-devoutattentionthathesuddenlyconcentratesontheclergyman.Inalittlewhile,thishypocrite,withanelaboratedemonstrationofhushinghisfootsteps,andwithafacegenerallyexpressiveofhavinguntilnowforgottenareligiousappointmentelsewhere,isgone.Numbertwogetsoutinthesameway,butratherquicker.Numberthreegettingsafelytothedoor,thereturnsreckless,andbangingitopen,fliesforthwithaWhoop!thatvibratestothetopofthetoweraboveus.

Theclergyman,whoisofaprandialpresenceandamuffledvoice,maybescantofhearingaswellasofbreath,butheonlyglancesup,ashavinganideathatsomebodyhassaidAmeninawrongplace,andcontinueshissteadyjog-trot,likeafarmer’swifegoingtomarket.Hedoesallhehastodo,inthesameeasyway,andgivesusaconcisesermon,stilllikethejog-trotofthefarmer’swifeonalevelroad.Itsdrowsycadencesoonlullsthethreeoldwomenasleep,andtheunmarriedtradesmansitslookingoutatwindow,andthemarriedtradesmansitslookingathiswife’sbonnet,andtheloverssitlookingatoneanother,sosuperlativelyhappy,thatImindwhenI,turnedofeighteen,wentwithmyAngelicatoaCitychurchonaccountofashower(bythisspecialcoincidencethatitwasinHuggin-lane),andwhenIsaidtomyAngelica,‘Lettheblessedevent,Angelica,occuratnoaltarbutthis!’andwhenmyAngelicaconsentedthatitshouldoccuratnoother—whichitcertainlyneverdid,foritneveroccurredanywhere.AndO,Angelica,whathasbecomeofyou,thispresentSundaymorningwhenIcan’tattendtothesermon;and,moredifficultquestionthanthat,whathasbecomeofMeasIwaswhenIsatbyyourside!

But,wereceivethesignaltomakethatunanimousdivewhichsurelyisalittleconventional—likethestrangerustlingsandsettlingsandclearingsofthroatsandnoses,

whichareneverdispensedwith,atcertainpointsoftheChurchservice,andareneverheldtobenecessaryunderanyothercircumstances.Inaminutemoreitisallover,andtheorganexpressesitselftobeasgladofitasitcanbeofanythinginitsrheumaticstate,andinanotherminuteweareallofusoutofthechurch,andWhity-brownhaslockeditup.Anotherminuteorlittlemore,and,intheneighbouringchurchyard—nottheyardofthatchurch,butofanother—achurchyardlikeagreatshabbyoldmignonettebox,withtwotreesinitandonetomb—ImeetWhity-brown,inhisprivatecapacity,fetchingapintofbeerforhisdinnerfromthepublic-houseinthecorner,wherethekeysoftherottingfire-laddersarekeptandwereneveraskedfor,andwherethereisaragged,white-seamed,out-at-elbowedbagatelleboardonthefirstfloor.

InoneoftheseCitychurches,andonlyinone,IfoundanindividualwhomighthavebeenclaimedasexpresslyaCitypersonage.Irememberthechurch,bythefeaturethattheclergymancouldn’tgettohisowndeskwithoutgoingthroughtheclerk’s,orcouldn’tgettothepulpitwithoutgoingthroughthereading-desk—Iforgetwhich,anditisnomatter—andbythepresenceofthispersonageamongtheexceedinglysparsecongregation.Idoubtifwewereadozen,andwehadnoexhaustedcharityschooltohelpusout.Thepersonagewasdressedinblackofsquarecut,andwasstrickeninyears,andworeablackvelvetcap,andclothshoes.Hewasofastaid,wealthy,anddissatisfiedaspect.Inhishand,heconductedtochurchamysteriouschild:achildofthefemininegender.Thechildhadabeaverhat,withastiffdrabplumethatsurelyneverbelongedtoanybirdoftheair.Thechildwasfurtherattiredinanankeenfrockandspencer,brownboxing-gloves,andaveil.Ithadablemish,inthenatureofcurrantjelly,onitschin;andwasathirstychild.Insomuchthatthepersonagecarriedinhispocketagreenbottle,fromwhich,whenthefirstpsalmwasgivenout,thechildwasopenlyrefreshed.Atallothertimesthroughouttheserviceitwasmotionless,andstoodontheseatofthelargepew,closelyfittedintothecorner,likearain-waterpipe.

Thepersonageneveropenedhisbook,andneverlookedattheclergyman.Heneversatdowneither,butstoodwithhisarmsleaningonthetopofthepew,andhisforeheadsometimesshadedwithhisrighthand,alwayslookingatthechurchdoor.Itwasalongchurchforachurchofitssize,andhewasattheupperend,buthealwayslookedatthedoor.Thathewasanoldbookkeeper,oranoldtraderwhohadkepthisownbooks,andthathemightbeseenattheBankofEnglandaboutDividendtimes,nodoubt.ThathehadlivedintheCityallhislifeandwasdisdainfulofotherlocalities,nodoubt.Whyhelookedatthedoor,Ineverabsolutelyproved,butitismybeliefthathelivedinexpectationofthetimewhenthecitizenswouldcomebacktoliveintheCity,anditsancientglorieswouldberenewed.HeappearedtoexpectthatthiswouldoccuronaSunday,andthatthewandererswouldfirstappear,inthedesertedchurches,penitentandhumbled.Hence,helookedatthedoorwhichtheyneverdarkened.Whosechildthechildwas,whetherthechildofadisinheriteddaughter,orsomeparishorphanwhomthepersonagehadadopted,therewasnothingtoleadupto.Itneverplayed,orskipped,orsmiled.Once,theideaoccurredtomethatitwasanautomaton,andthatthepersonagehadmadeit;butfollowingthestrangecoupleoutoneSunday,Iheardthepersonagesaytoit,‘Thirteenthousandpounds;’towhichitaddedinaweakhumanvoice,‘Seventeenandfourpence.’FourSundaysIfollowedthemout,andthisisallIeverheardorsawthemsay.OneSunday,Ifollowedthemhome.Theylivedbehindapump,andthepersonage

openedtheirabodewithanexceedinglargekey.Theonesolitaryinscriptionontheirhouserelatedtoafire-plug.Thehousewaspartlyunderminedbyadesertedandclosedgateway;itswindowswereblindwithdirt;anditstoodwithitsfacedisconsolatelyturnedtoawall.FivegreatchurchesandtwosmallonesrangtheirSundaybellsbetweenthishouseandthechurchthecouplefrequented,sotheymusthavehadsomespecialreasonforgoingaquarterofamiletoit.ThelasttimeIsawthem,wasonthiswise.Ihadbeentoexploreanotherchurchatadistance,andhappenedtopassthechurchtheyfrequented,atabouttwooftheafternoonwhenthatedificewasclosed.But,alittleside-door,whichIhadneverobservedbefore,stoodopen,anddisclosedcertaincellaroussteps.Methought‘Theyareairingthevaultsto-day,’whenthepersonageandthechildsilentlyarrivedatthesteps,andsilentlydescended.Ofcourse,Icametotheconclusionthatthepersonagehadatlastdespairedofthelooked-forreturnofthepenitentcitizens,andthatheandthechildwentdowntogetthemselvesburied.

InthecourseofmypilgrimagesIcameupononeobscurechurchwhichhadbrokenoutinthemelodramaticstyle,andwasgotupwithvarioustawdrydecorations,muchafterthemanneroftheextinctLondonmay-poles.Theseattractionshadinducedseveralyoungpriestsordeaconsinblackbibsforwaistcoats,andseveralyoungladiesinterestedinthatholyorder(theproportionbeing,asIestimated,seventeenyoungladiestoadeacon),tocomeintotheCityasanewandoddexcitement.ItwaswonderfultoseehowtheseyoungpeopleplayedouttheirlittleplayintheheartoftheCity,allamongthemselves,withoutthedesertedCity’sknowinganythingaboutit.Itwasasifyoushouldtakeanemptycounting-houseonaSunday,andactoneoftheoldMysteriesthere.Theyhadimpressedasmallschool(fromwhatneighbourhoodIdon’tknow)toassistintheperformances,anditwaspleasanttonoticefranticgarlandsofinscriptiononthewalls,especiallyaddressingthosepoorinnocentsincharactersimpossibleforthemtodecipher.Therewasaremarkablyagreeablesmellofpomatuminthiscongregation.

But,inothercases,rotandmildewanddeadcitizensformedtheuppermostscent,while,infusedintoitinadreamywaynotatalldispleasing,wasthestaplecharacteroftheneighbourhood.InthechurchesaboutMark-lane,forexample,therewasadrywhiffofwheat;andIaccidentallystruckanairysampleofbarleyoutofanagedhassockinoneofthem.FromRood-lanetoTower-street,andthereabouts,therewasoftenasubtleflavourofwine:sometimes,oftea.OnechurchnearMincing-lanesmeltlikeadruggist’sdrawer.BehindtheMonumenttheservicehadaflavourofdamagedoranges,which,alittlefurtherdowntowardstheriver,temperedintoherrings,andgraduallytonedintoacosmopolitanblastoffish.Inonechurch,theexactcounterpartofthechurchintheRake’sProgresswheretheheroisbeingmarriedtothehorribleoldlady,therewasnospecialityofatmosphere,untiltheorganshookaperfumeofhidesalloverusfromsomeadjacentwarehouse.

Bethescentwhatitwould,however,therewasnospecialityinthepeople.Therewereneverenoughofthemtorepresentanycallingorneighbourhood.Theyhadallgoneelsewhereover-night,andthefewstragglersinthemanychurcheslanguishedthereinexpressively.

AmongtheUncommercialtravelsinwhichIhaveengaged,thisyearofSundaytraveloccupiesitsownplace,apartfromalltherest.WhetherIthinkofthechurchwherethesailsoftheoyster-boatsintheriveralmostflappedagainstthewindows,orofthechurchwheretherailroadmadethebellshumasthetrainrushedbyabovetheroof,Irecallacuriousexperience.OnsummerSundays,inthegentlerainorthebrightsunshine—either,deepeningtheidlenessoftheidleCity—Ihavesat,inthatsingularsilencewhichbelongstoresting-placesusuallyastir,inscoresofbuildingsattheheartoftheworld’smetropolis,unknowntofargreaternumbersofpeoplespeakingtheEnglishtongue,thantheancientedificesoftheEternalCity,orthePyramidsofEgypt.ThedarkvestriesandregistriesintowhichIhavepeeped,andthelittlehemmed-inchurchyardsthathaveechoedtomyfeet,haveleftimpressionsonmymemoryasdistinctandquaintasanyithasinthatwayreceived.Inallthosedustyregistersthatthewormsareeating,thereisnotalinebutmadesomeheartsleap,orsometearsflow,intheirday.Stillanddrynow,stillanddry!andtheoldtreeatthewindowwithnoroomforitsbranches,hasseenthemallout.SowiththetomboftheoldMasteroftheoldCompany,onwhichitdrips.Hissonrestoreditand

died,hisdaughterrestoreditanddied,andthenhehadbeenrememberedlongenough,andthetreetookpossessionofhim,andhisnamecrackedout.

Therearefewmorestrikingindicationsofthechangesofmannersandcustomsthattwoorthreehundredyearshavebroughtabout,thanthesedesertedchurches.Manyofthemarehandsomeandcostlystructures,severalofthemweredesignedbyWREN,manyofthemarosefromtheashesofthegreatfire,othersofthemoutlivedtheplagueandthefiretoo,todieaslowdeathintheselaterdays.Noonecanbesureofthecomingtime;butitisnottoomuchtosayofitthatithasnosigninitsoutsettingtides,oftherefluxtothesechurchesoftheircongregationsanduses.Theyremainlikethetombsoftheoldcitizenswholiebeneaththemandaroundthem,Monumentsofanotherage.TheyareworthaSunday-exploration,nowandthen,fortheyyetecho,notunharmoniously,tothetimewhentheCityofLondonreallywasLondon;whenthe’PrenticesandTrainedBandswereofmarkinthestate;wheneventheLordMayorhimselfwasaReality—notaFictionconventionallybe-puffedononedayintheyearbyillustriousfriends,whonolessconventionallylaughathimontheremainingthreehundredandsixty-fourdays.

XSHYNEIGHBOURHOODS

SOmuchofmytravellingisdoneonfoot,thatifIcherishedbettingpropensities,IshouldprobablybefoundregisteredinsportingnewspapersundersomesuchtitleastheElasticNovice,challengingallelevenstonemankindtocompetitioninwalking.Mylastspecialfeatwasturningoutofbedattwo,afterahardday,pedestrianandotherwise,andwalkingthirtymilesintothecountrytobreakfast.Theroadwassolonelyinthenight,thatIfellasleeptothemonotonoussoundofmyownfeet,doingtheirregularfourmilesanhour.MileaftermileIwalked,withouttheslightestsenseofexertion,dozingheavilyanddreamingconstantly.ItwasonlywhenImadeastumblelikeadrunkenman,orstruckoutintotheroadtoavoidahorsemancloseuponmeonthepath—whohadnoexistence—thatIcametomyselfandlookedabout.Thedaybrokemistily(itwasautumntime),andIcouldnotdisembarrassmyselfoftheideathatIhadtoclimbthoseheightsandbanksofcloud,andthattherewasanAlpineConventsomewherebehindthesun,whereIwasgoingtobreakfast.Thissleepynotionwassomuchstrongerthansuchsubstantialobjectsasvillagesandhaystacks,that,afterthesunwasupandbright,andwhenIwassufficientlyawaketohaveasenseofpleasureintheprospect,Istilloccasionallycaughtmyselflookingaboutforwoodenarmstopointtherighttrackupthemountain,andwonderingtherewasnosnowyet.ItisacuriosityofbrokensleepthatImadeimmensequantitiesofversesonthatpedestrianoccasion(ofcourseInevermakeanywhenIaminmyrightsenses),andthatIspokeacertainlanguageonceprettyfamiliartome,butwhichIhavenearlyforgottenfromdisuse,withfluency.OfboththesephenomenaIhavesuchfrequentexperienceinthestatebetweensleepingandwaking,thatIsometimesarguewithmyselfthatIknowIcannotbeawake,for,ifIwere,Ishouldnotbehalfsoready.Thereadinessisnotimaginary,becauseIoftenrecalllongstringsoftheverses,andmanyturnsofthefluentspeech,afterIambroadawake.

Mywalkingisoftwokinds:one,straightonendtoadefinitegoalataroundpace;one,objectless,loitering,andpurelyvagabond.Inthelatterstate,nogipsyonearthisagreatervagabondthanmyself;itissonaturaltome,andstrongwithme,thatIthinkImustbethedescendant,atnogreatdistance,ofsomeirreclaimabletramp.

OneofthepleasantestthingsIhavelatelymetwith,inavagabondcourseofshymetropolitanneighbourhoodsandsmallshops,isthefancyofahumbleartist,asexemplifiedintwoportraitsrepresentingMr.ThomasSayers,ofGreatBritain,andMr.JohnHeenan,oftheUnitedStatesofAmerica.Theseillustriousmenarehighlycolouredinfightingtrim,andfightingattitude.Tosuggestthepastoralandmeditativenatureoftheirpeacefulcalling,Mr.Heenanisrepresentedonemeraldsward,withprimrosesandothermodestflowersspringingupundertheheelsofhishalf-boots;whileMr.Sayersisimpelledtotheadministrationofhisfavouriteblow,theAuctioneer,bythesilenteloquenceofavillagechurch.ThehumblehomesofEngland,withtheirdomesticvirtuesandhoneysuckleporches,urgebothheroestogoinandwin;andthelarkandothersingingbirdsareobservableintheupperair,ecstaticallycarollingtheirthankstoHeaven

forafight.Onthewhole,theassociationsentwinedwiththepugilisticartbythisartistaremuchinthemannerofIzaakWalton.

But,itiswiththeloweranimalsofbackstreetsandby-waysthatmypresentpurposerests.Forhumannoteswemayreturntosuchneighbourhoodswhenleisureandopportunityserve.

Nothinginshyneighbourhoodsperplexesmymindmore,thanthebadcompanybirdskeep.Foreignbirdsoftengetintogoodsociety,butBritishbirdsareinseparablefromlowassociates.ThereisawholestreetoftheminSt.Giles’s;andIalwaysfindtheminpoorandimmoralneighbourhoods,convenienttothepublic-houseandthepawnbroker’s.Theyseemtoleadpeopleintodrinking,andeventhemanwhomakestheircagesusuallygetsintoachronicstateofblackeye.Whyisthis?Also,theywilldothingsforpeopleinshort-skirtedvelveteencoatswithbonebuttons,orinsleevedwaistcoatsandfurcaps,whichtheycannotbepersuadedbytherespectableordersofsocietytoundertake.InadirtycourtinSpitalfields,once,Ifoundagoldfinchdrawinghisownwater,anddrawingasmuchofitasifhewereinaconsumingfever.Thatgoldfinchlivedatabird-shop,andoffered,inwriting,tobarterhimselfagainstoldclothes,emptybottles,orevenkitchenstuff.Surelyalowthingandadepravedtasteinanyfinch!Iboughtthatgoldfinchformoney.Hewassenthome,andhunguponanailoveragainstmytable.Helivedoutsideacounterfeitdwelling-house,supposed(asIargued)tobeadyer’s;otherwiseitwouldhavebeenimpossibletoaccountforhisperchstickingoutofthegarretwindow.Fromthetimeofhisappearanceinmyroom,eitherheleftoffbeingthirsty—whichwasnotinthebond—orhecouldnotmakeuphismindtohearhislittlebucketdropbackintohiswellwhenheletitgo:ashockwhichinthebestoftimeshadmadehimtremble.Hedrewnowaterbutbystealthandunderthecloakofnight.Afteranintervaloffutileandatlengthhopelessexpectation,themerchantwhohadeducatedhimwasappealedto.Themerchantwasabow-leggedcharacter,withaflatandcushionynose,likethelastnewstrawberry.Heworeafurcap,andshorts,andwasofthevelveteenrace,velveteeny.Hesentwordthathewould‘lookround.’Helookedround,appearedinthedoorwayoftheroom,andslightlycockeduphisevileyeatthegoldfinch.Instantlyaragingthirstbesetthatbird;whenitwasappeased,hestilldrewseveralunnecessarybucketsofwater;andfinally,leapedabouthisperchandsharpenedhisbill,asifhehadbeentothenearestwinevaultsandgotdrunk.

Donkeysagain.IknowshyneighbourhoodswheretheDonkeygoesinatthestreetdoor,andappearstoliveup-stairs,forIhaveexaminedtheback-yardfromoverthepalings,andhavebeenunabletomakehimout.Gentility,nobility,Royalty,wouldappealtothatdonkeyinvaintodowhathedoesforacostermonger.Feedhimwithoatsatthehighestprice,putaninfantprinceandprincessinapairofpanniersonhisback,adjusthisdelicatetrappingstoanicety,takehimtothesoftestslopesatWindsor,andtrywhatpaceyoucangetoutofhim.Then,starvehim,harnesshimanyhowtoatruckwithaflattrayonit,andseehimbowlfromWhitechapeltoBayswater.Thereappearstobenoparticularprivateunderstandingbetweenbirdsanddonkeys,inastateofnature;butintheshyneighbourhoodstate,youshallseethemalwaysinthesamehandsandalwaysdevelopingtheirverybestenergiesfortheveryworstcompany.Ihaveknownadonkey—bysight;wewerenotonspeakingterms—wholivedoverontheSurreysideofLondon-bridge,amongthefastnessesofJacob’sIslandandDockhead.Itwasthehabitofthatanimal,

whenhisserviceswerenotinimmediaterequisition,togooutalone,idling.Ihavemethimamilefromhisplaceofresidence,loiteringaboutthestreets;andtheexpressionofhiscountenanceatsuchtimeswasmostdegraded.Hewasattachedtotheestablishmentofanelderlyladywhosoldperiwinkles,andheusedtostandonSaturdaynightswithacartfulofthosedelicaciesoutsideagin-shop,prickinguphisearswhenacustomercametothecart,andtooevidentlyderivingsatisfactionfromtheknowledgethattheygotbadmeasure.Hismistresswassometimesovertakenbyinebriety.ThelasttimeIeversawhim(aboutfiveyearsago)hewasincircumstancesofdifficulty,causedbythisfailing.Havingbeenleftalonewiththecartofperiwinkles,andforgotten,hewentoffidling.Heprowledamonghisusuallowhauntsforsometime,gratifyinghisdepravedtastes,until,nottakingthecartintohiscalculations,heendeavouredtoturnupanarrowalley,andbecamegreatlyinvolved.Hewastakenintocustodybythepolice,and,theGreenYardofthedistrictbeingnearathand,wasbackedintothatplaceofdurance.Atthatcrisis,Iencounteredhim;thestubbornsenseheevincedofbeing—nottocompromisetheexpression—ablackguard,Ineversawexceededinthehumansubject.Aflaringcandleinapapershade,stuckinamonghisperiwinkles,showedhim,withhisraggedharnessbrokenandhiscartextensivelyshattered,twitchinghismouthandshakinghishanginghead,apictureofdisgraceandobduracy.Ihaveseenboysbeingtakentostation-houses,whowereaslikehimashisownbrother.

Thedogsofshyneighbourhoods,Iobservetoavoidplay,andtobeconsciousofpoverty.Theyavoidwork,too,iftheycan,ofcourse;thatisinthenatureofallanimals.IhavethepleasuretoknowadoginabackstreetintheneighbourhoodofWalworth,whohasgreatlydistinguishedhimselfintheminordrama,andwhotakeshisportraitwithhimwhenhemakesanengagement,fortheillustrationoftheplay-bill.Hisportrait(whichisnotatalllikehim)representshimintheactofdraggingtotheeartharecreantIndian,whoissupposedtohavetomahawked,oressayedtotomahawk,aBritishofficer.Thedesignispurepoetry,forthereisnosuchIndianinthepiece,andnosuchincident.HeisadogoftheNewfoundlandbreed,forwhosehonestyIwouldbebailtoanyamount;butwhoseintellectualqualitiesinassociationwithdramaticfiction,Icannotratehigh.Indeed,heistoohonestfortheprofessionhehasentered.BeingatatowninYorkshirelastsummer,andseeinghimpostedinthebillofthenight,Iattendedtheperformance.Hisfirstscenewaseminentlysuccessful;but,asitoccupiedasecondinitsrepresentation(andfivelinesinthebill),itscarcelyaffordedgroundforacoolanddeliberatejudgmentofhispowers.Hehadmerelytobark,runon,andjumpthroughaninnwindow,afteracomicfugitive.Thenextsceneofimportancetothefablewasalittlemarredinitsinterestbyhisover-anxiety;forasmuchaswhilehismaster(abelatedsoldierinadenofrobbersonatempestuousnight)wasfeelinglylamentingtheabsenceofhisfaithfuldog,andlayinggreatstressonthefactthathewasthirtyleaguesaway,thefaithfuldogwasbarkingfuriouslyintheprompter’sbox,andclearlychokinghimselfagainsthiscollar.Butitwasinhisgreatestsceneofall,thathishonestygotthebetterofhim.Hehadtoenteradenseandtracklessforest,onthetrailofthemurderer,andtheretoflyatthemurdererwhenhefoundhimrestingatthefootofatree,withhisvictimboundreadyforslaughter.Itwasahotnight,andhecameintotheforestfromanaltogetherunexpecteddirection,inthesweetesttemper,ataverydeliberatetrot,notintheleastexcited;trottedtothefoot-lightswithhistongueout;andtheresatdown,panting,andamiablysurveyingtheaudience,withhistailbeatingontheboards,likeaDutchclock.Meanwhilethemurderer,impatient

toreceivehisdoom,wasaudiblycallingtohim‘CO-O-OMEhere!’whilethevictim,strugglingwithhisbonds,assailedhimwiththemostinjuriousexpressions.Ithappenedthroughthesemeans,thatwhenhewasincourseoftimepersuadedtotrotupandrendthemurdererlimbfromlimb,hemadeit(fordramaticpurposes)alittletooobviousthatheworkedoutthatawfulretributionbylickingbutteroffhisblood-stainedhands.

Inashystreet,behindLong-acre,twohonestdogslive,whoperforminPunch’sshows.ImayventuretosaythatIamontermsofintimacywithboth,andthatIneversaweitherguiltyofthefalsehoodoffailingtolookdownatthemaninsidetheshow,duringthewholeperformance.Thedifficultyotherdogshaveinsatisfyingtheirmindsaboutthesedogs,appearstobeneverovercomebytime.Thesamedogsmustencounterthemoverandoveragain,astheytrudgealongintheiroff-minutesbehindthelegsoftheshowandbesidethedrum;butalldogsseemtosuspecttheirfrillsandjackets,andtosniffatthemasiftheythoughtthosearticlesofpersonaladornment,aneruption—asomethinginthenatureofmange,perhaps.FromthisCovent-gardenwindowofmineInoticedacountrydog,onlytheotherday,whohadcomeuptoCovent-gardenMarketunderacart,andhadbrokenhiscord,anendofwhichhestilltrailedalongwithhim.Heloiteredaboutthecornersofthefourstreetscommandedbymywindow;andbadLondondogscameup,andtoldhimliesthathedidn’tbelieve;andworseLondondogscameup,andmadeproposalstohimtogoandstealinthemarket,whichhisprinciplesrejected;andthewaysofthetownconfusedhim,andhecreptasideandlaydowninadoorway.Hehadscarcelygotawinkofsleep,whenupcomesPunchwithToby.HewasdartingtoTobyforconsolationandadvice,whenhesawthefrill,andstopped,inthemiddleofthestreet,appalled.Theshowwaspitched,Tobyretiredbehindthedrapery,theaudienceformed,thedrumandpipesstruckup.Mycountrydogremainedimmovable,intentlystaringatthesestrangeappearances,untilTobyopenedthedramabyappearingonhisledge,andtohimenteredPunch,whoputatobacco-pipeintoToby’smouth.Atthisspectacle,thecountrydogthrewuphishead,gaveoneterriblehowl,andfledduewest.

Wetalkofmenkeepingdogs,butwemightoftentalkmoreexpressivelyofdogskeepingmen.Iknowabull-doginashycornerofHammersmithwhokeepsaman.Hekeepshimupayard,andmakeshimgotopublic-housesandlaywagersonhim,andobligeshimtoleanagainstpostsandlookathim,andforceshimtoneglectworkforhim,andkeepshimunderrigidcoercion.Ionceknewafancyterrierwhokeptagentleman—agentlemanwhohadbeenbroughtupatOxford,too.Thedogkeptthegentlemanentirelyforhisglorification,andthegentlemannevertalkedaboutanythingbuttheterrier.This,however,wasnotinashyneighbourhood,andisadigressionconsequently.

Thereareagreatmanydogsinshyneighbourhoods,whokeepboys.IhavemyeyeonamongrelinSomerstownwhokeepsthreeboys.Hefeignsthathecanbringdownsparrows,andunburrowrats(hecandoneither),andhetakestheboysoutonsportingpretencesintoallsortsofsuburbanfields.Hehaslikewisemadethembelievethathepossessessomemysteriousknowledgeoftheartoffishing,andtheyconsiderthemselvesincompletelyequippedfortheHampsteadponds,withapickle-jarandwide-mouthedbottle,unlessheiswiththemandbarkingtremendously.ThereisadogresidingintheBoroughofSouthwarkwhokeepsablindman.Hemaybeseen,mostdays,inOxford-street,halingtheblindmanawayonexpeditionswhollyuncontemplatedby,andunintelligibleto,theman:whollyofthedog’sconceptionandexecution.Contrariwise,

whenthemanhasprojects,thedogwillsitdowninacrowdedthoroughfareandmeditate.Isawhimyesterday,wearingthemoney-traylikeaneasycollar,insteadofofferingittothepublic,takingthemanagainsthiswill,ontheinvitationofadisreputablecur,apparentlytovisitadogatHarrow—hewassointentonthatdirection.ThenorthwallofBurlingtonHouseGardens,betweentheArcadeandtheAlbany,offersashyspotforappointmentsamongblindmenatabouttwoorthreeo’clockintheafternoon.Theysit(veryuncomfortably)onaslopingstonethere,andcomparenotes.Theirdogsmayalwaysbeobservedatthesametime,openlydisparagingthementheykeep,tooneanother,andsettlingwheretheyshallrespectivelytaketheirmenwhentheybegintomoveagain.Atasmallbutcher’s,inashyneighbourhood(thereisnoreasonforsuppressingthename;itisbyNotting-hill,andgivesuponthedistrictcalledthePotteries),Iknowashaggyblackandwhitedogwhokeepsadrover.Heisadogofaneasydisposition,andtoofrequentlyallowsthisdrovertogetdrunk.Ontheseoccasions,itisthedog’scustomtositoutsidethepublic-house,keepinghiseyeonafewsheep,andthinking.Ihaveseenhimwithsixsheep,plainlycastingupinhismindhowmanyhebeganwithwhenheleftthemarket,andatwhatplaceshehaslefttherest.Ihaveseenhimperplexedbynotbeingabletoaccounttohimselfforcertainparticularsheep.Alighthasgraduallybrokenonhim,hehasrememberedatwhatbutcher’sheleftthem,andinaburstofgravesatisfactionhascaughtaflyoffhisnose,andshownhimselfmuchrelieved.IfIcouldatanytimehavedoubtedthefactthatitwashewhokeptthedrover,andnotthedroverwhokepthim,itwouldhavebeenabundantlyprovedbyhiswayoftakingundividedchargeofthesixsheep,whenthedrovercameoutbesmearedwithredochreandbeer,andgavehimwrongdirections,whichhecalmlydisregarded.Hehastakenthesheepentirelyintohisownhands,hasmerelyremarkedwithrespectfulfirmness,‘Thatinstructionwouldplacethemunderanomnibus;youhadbetterconfineyourattentiontoyourself—youwillwantitall;’andhasdrivenhischargeaway,withanintelligenceofearsandtail,andaknowledgeofbusiness,thathaslefthisloutofamanvery,veryfarbehind.

Asthedogsofshyneighbourhoodsusuallybetrayaslinkingconsciousnessofbeinginpoorcircumstances—forthemostpartmanifestedinanaspectofanxiety,anawkwardnessintheirplay,andamisgivingthatsomebodyisgoingtoharnessthemtosomething,topickupaliving—sothecatsofshyneighbourhoodsexhibitastrongtendencytorelapseintobarbarism.Notonlyaretheymadeselfishlyferociousbyruminatingonthesurpluspopulationaroundthem,andonthedenselycrowdedstateofalltheavenuestocat’smeat;notonlyisthereamoralandpolitico-economicalhaggardnessinthem,traceabletothesereflections;buttheyevinceaphysicaldeterioration.Theirlinenisnotclean,andiswretchedlygotup;theirblackturnsrusty,likeoldmourning;theywearveryindifferentfur;andtaketotheshabbiestcottonvelvet,insteadofsilkvelvet.Iamontermsofrecognitionwithseveralsmallstreetsofcats,abouttheObeliskinSaintGeorge’sFields,andalsointhevicinityofClerkenwell-green,andalsointhebacksettlementsofDrury-lane.Inappearance,theyareverylikethewomenamongwhomtheylive.Theyseemtoturnoutoftheirunwholesomebedsintothestreet,withoutanypreparation.Theyleavetheiryoungfamiliestostaggeraboutthegutters,unassisted,whiletheyfrouzilyquarrelandswearandscratchandspit,atstreetcorners.Inparticular,Iremarkthatwhentheyareabouttoincreasetheirfamilies(aneventoffrequentrecurrence)theresemblanceisstronglyexpressedinacertaindustydowdiness,down-at-heelself-neglect,andgeneralgivingupofthings.IcannothonestlyreportthatIhaveeverseenafelinematronofthis

classwashingherfacewheninaninterestingcondition.

Nottoprolongthesenotesofuncommercialtravelamongtheloweranimalsofshyneighbourhoods,bydwellingatlengthupontheexasperatedmoodinessofthetom-cats,andtheirresemblanceinmanyrespectstoamanandabrother,Iwillcometoaclosewithawordonthefowlsofthesamelocalities.

Thatanythingbornofaneggandinvestedwithwings,shouldhavegottothepassthatithopscontentedlydownaladderintoacellar,andcallsthatgoinghome,isacircumstancesoamazingastoleaveonenothingmoreinthisconnexiontowonderat.OtherwiseImightwonderatthecompletenesswithwhichthesefowlshavebecomeseparatedfromallthebirdsoftheair—havetakentogrovellinginbricksandmortarandmud—haveforgottenallaboutlivetrees,andmakeroosting-placesofshop-boards,barrows,oyster-tubs,bulk-heads,anddoor-scrapers.Iwonderatnothingconcerningthem,andtakethemastheyare.IacceptasproductsofNatureandthingsofcourse,areducedBantamfamilyofmyacquaintanceintheHackney-road,whoareincessantlyatthepawnbroker’s.Icannotsaythattheyenjoythemselves,fortheyareofamelancholytemperament;butwhatenjoymenttheyarecapableof,theyderivefromcrowdingtogetherinthepawnbroker’sside-entry.Here,theyarealwaystobefoundinafeebleflutter,asiftheywerenewlycomedownintheworld,andwereafraidofbeingidentified.Iknowalowfellow,originallyofagoodfamilyfromDorking,whotakeshiswholeestablishmentofwives,insinglefile,inatthedoorofthejugDepartmentofadisorderlytavernneartheHaymarket,manœuvresthemamongthecompany’slegs,emergeswiththemattheBottleEntrance,andsopasseshislife:seldom,intheseason,goingtobedbeforetwointhemorning.OverWaterloo-bridge,thereisashabbyoldspeckledcouple(theybelongtothewoodenFrench-bedstead,washing-stand,andtowel-horse-makingtrade),whoarealwaystryingtogetinatthedoorofachapel.Whethertheoldlady,underadelusionremindingoneofMrs.Southcott,hasanideaofentrustinganeggtothatparticulardenomination,ormerelyunderstandsthatshehasnobusinessinthebuildingandisconsequentlyfrantictoenterit,Icannotdetermine;butsheisconstantlyendeavouringtounderminetheprincipaldoor:whileherpartner,whoisinfirmuponhislegs,walksupanddown,encouragingheranddefyingtheUniverse.But,thefamilyIhavebeenbestacquaintedwith,sincetheremovalfromthistryingsphereofaChinesecircleatBrentford,resideinthedensestpartofBethnal-green.Theirabstractionfromtheobjectsamongwhichtheylive,orrathertheirconvictionthatthoseobjectshaveallcomeintoexistenceinexpresssubserviencetofowls,hassoenchantedme,thatIhavemadethemthesubjectofmanyjourneysatdivershours.Aftercarefulobservationofthetwolordsandthetenladiesofwhomthisfamilyconsists,Ihavecometotheconclusionthattheiropinionsarerepresentedbytheleadinglordandleadinglady:thelatter,asIjudge,anagedpersonage,afflictedwithapaucityoffeatherandvisibilityofquill,thatgiveshertheappearanceofabundleofofficepens.Whenarailwaygoodsvanthatwouldcrushanelephantcomesroundthecorner,tearingoverthesefowls,theyemergeunharmedfromunderthehorses,perfectlysatisfiedthatthewholerushwasapassingpropertyintheair,whichmayhaveleftsomethingtoeatbehindit.Theylookuponoldshoes,wrecksofkettlesandsaucepans,andfragmentsofbonnets,asakindofmeteoricdischarge,forfowlstopeckat.Peg-topsandhoopstheyaccount,Ithink,asasortofhail;shuttlecocks,asrain,ordew.Gaslightcomesquiteasnaturaltothemasanyotherlight;andIhavemorethanasuspicionthat,inthemindsofthetwo

lords,theearlypublic-houseatthecornerhassupersededthesun.Ihaveestablisheditasacertainfact,thattheyalwaysbegintocrowwhenthepublic-houseshuttersbegintobetakendown,andthattheysalutethepotboy,theinstantheappearstoperformthatduty,asifhewerePhoebusinperson.

XITRAMPS

THEchanceuseoftheword‘Tramp’inmylastpaper,broughtthatnumerousfraternitysovividlybeforemymind’seye,thatIhadnosoonerlaiddownmypenthanacompulsionwasuponmetotakeitupagain,andmakenotesoftheTrampswhomIperceivedonallthesummerroadsinalldirections.

Wheneveratrampsitsdowntorestbythewayside,hesitswithhislegsinadryditch;andwheneverhegoestosleep(whichisveryoftenindeed),hegoestosleeponhisback.Yonder,bythehighroad,glaringwhiteinthebrightsunshine,lies,onthedustybitofturfunderthebramble-bushthatfencesthecoppicefromthehighway,thetrampoftheordersavage,fastasleep.Heliesonthebroadofhisback,withhisfaceturneduptothesky,andoneofhisraggedarmslooselythrownacrosshisface.Hisbundle(whatcanbethecontentsofthatmysteriousbundle,tomakeitworthhiswhiletocarryitabout?)isthrowndownbesidehim,andthewakingwomanwithhimsitswithherlegsintheditch,andherbacktotheroad.Shewearsherbonnetrakishlyperchedonthefrontofherhead,toshadeherfacefromthesuninwalking,andshetiesherskirtsroundherinconventionallytighttramp-fashionwithasortofapron.Youcanseldomcatchsightofher,restingthus,withoutseeingherinadespondentlydefiantmannerdoingsomethingtoherhairorherbonnet,andglancingatyoubetweenherfingers.Shedoesnotoftengotosleepherselfinthedaytime,butwillsitforanylengthoftimebesidetheman.Andhisslumberouspropensitieswouldnotseemtobereferabletothefatigueofcarryingthebundle,forshecarriesitmuchoftenerandfurtherthanhe.Whentheyareafoot,youwillmostlyfindhimslouchingonahead,inagrufftemper,whileshelagsheavilybehindwiththeburden.Heisgiventopersonallycorrectingher,too—whichphaseofhischaracterdevelopsitselfoftenest,onbenchesoutsidealehousedoors—andsheappearstobecomestronglyattachedtohimforthesereasons;itmayusuallybenoticedthatwhenthepoorcreaturehasabruisedface,sheisthemostaffectionate.Hehasnooccupationwhatever,thisorderoftramp,andhasnoobjectwhateveringoinganywhere.Hewillsometimescallhimselfabrickmaker,orasawyer,butonlywhenhetakesanimaginaryflight.Hegenerallyrepresentshimself,inavagueway,aslookingoutforajobofwork;butheneverdidwork,heneverdoes,andheneverwill.Itisafavouritefictionwithhim,however(asifhewerethemostindustriouscharacteronearth),thatyouneverwork;andashegoespastyourgardenandseesyoulookingatyourflowers,youwilloverhearhimgrowlwithastrongsenseofcontrast,‘Youarealuckyhidledevil,youare!’

Theslinkingtrampisofthesamehopelessorder,andhasthesameinjuredconvictiononhimthatyouwereborntowhateveryoupossess,andneverdidanythingtogetit:butheisofalessaudaciousdisposition.Hewillstopbeforeyourgate,andsaytohisfemalecompanionwithanairofconstitutionalhumilityandpropitiation—toedifyanyonewhomaybewithinhearingbehindablindorabush—‘Thisisasweetspot,ain’tit?Alovellyspot!AndIwonderifthey’dgivetwopoorfootsoretravellerslikemeandyou,adropoffreshwateroutofsuchaprettygen-teelcrib?We’dtakeitwerykoindon’em,wouldn’t

us?Werykoind,uponmyword,uswould?’Hehasaquicksenseofadoginthevicinity,andwillextendhismodestly-injuredpropitiationtothedogchainedupinyouryard;remarking,asheslinksattheyardgate,‘Ah!Youareafoinebreedo’dog,too,andyouain’tkepfornothink!I’dtakeitwerykoindo’yourmasterifhe’delpatravellerandhiswoifeasenviesnogentlefolktheirgoodfortun,wi’abito’yourbrokenwittles.He’dneverknowthewantofit,normorewouldyou.Don’tbarklikethat,atpoorpersonsasneverdoneyounoarm;thepoorisdown-troddenandbrokeenoughwithoutthat;ODON’T!’Hegenerallyheavesaprodigioussighinmovingaway,andalwayslooksupthelaneanddownthelane,anduptheroadanddowntheroad,beforegoingon.

Bothoftheseordersoftrampareofaveryrobusthabit;letthehard-workinglaboureratwhosecottage-doortheyprowlandbeg,havetheagueneversobadly,thesetrampsaresuretobeingoodhealth.

Thereisanotherkindoftramp,whomyouencounterthisbrightsummerday—say,onaroadwiththesea-breezemakingitsdustlively,andsailsofshipsinthebluedistancebeyondtheslopeofDown.Asyouwalkenjoyinglyon,youdescryintheperspectiveatthebottomofasteephillupwhichyourwaylies,afigurethatappearstobesittingairilyonagate,whistlinginacheerfulanddisengagedmanner.Asyouapproachnearertoit,youobservethefiguretoslidedownfromthegate,todesistfromwhistling,touncockitshat,tobecometenderoffoot,todepressitsheadandelevateitsshoulders,andtopresentallthecharacteristicsofprofounddespondency.Arrivingatthebottomofthehillandcomingclosetothefigure,youobserveittobethefigureofashabbyyoungman.Heismovingpainfullyforward,inthedirectioninwhichyouaregoing,andhismindissopreoccupiedwithhismisfortunesthatheisnotawareofyourapproachuntilyouarecloseuponhimatthehill-foot.Whenheisawareofyou,youdiscoverhimtobearemarkablywell-behavedyoungman,andaremarkablywell-spokenyoungman.Youknowhimtobewell-behaved,byhisrespectfulmanneroftouchinghishat:youknowhimtobewell-spoken,byhissmoothmannerofexpressinghimself.Hesaysinaflowingconfidentialvoice,andwithoutpunctuation,‘IaskyourpardonsirbutifyouwouldexcusethelibertyofbeingsoaddresseduponthepublicIwaybyonewhoisalmostreducedtoragsthoughitasnotalwaysbeensoandbynofaultofhisownbutthroughillelthinhisfamilyandmanyunmeritedsufferingsitwouldbeagreatobligationsirtoknowthetime.’Yougivethewell-spokenyoungmanthetime.Thewell-spokenyoungman,keepingwellupwithyou,resumes:‘IamawaresirthatitisalibertytointrudeafurtherquestiononagentlemanwalkingforhisentertainmentbutmightImakesoboldasaskthefavourofthewaytoDoversirandaboutthedistance?’Youinformthewell-spokenyoungmanthatthewaytoDoverisstraighton,andthedistancesomeeighteenmiles.Thewell-spokenyoungmanbecomesgreatlyagitated.‘IntheconditiontowhichIamreduced,’sayshe,‘IcouldnotopetoreachDoverbeforedarkevenifmyshoeswereinastatetotakemethereormyfeetwereinastatetooldoutovertheflintyroadandwerenotonthebaregroundofwhichanygentlemanhasthemeanstosatisfyhimselfbylookingSirmayItakethelibertyofspeakingtoyou?’Asthewell-spokenyoungmankeepssowellupwithyouthatyoucan’tpreventhistakingthelibertyofspeakingtoyou,hegoeson,withfluency:‘SiritisnotbeggingthatismyintentionforIwasbroughtupbythebestofmothersandbeggingisnotmytradeIshouldnotknowsirhowtofollowitasatradeifsuchweremyshamefulwishesforthebestofmotherslongtaughtotherwiseandinthebestofomes

thoughnowreducedtotakethepresentlibertyontheIwaySirmybusinesswasthelaw-stationeringandIwasfavourablyknowntotheSolicitor-GeneraltheAttorney-GeneralthemajorityofthejudgesandtheoleofthelegalprofessionbutthroughillelthinmyfamilyandthetreacheryofafriendforwhomIbecamesecurityandhenootherthanmyownwife’sbrotherthebrotherofmyownwifeIwascastforthwithmytenderpartnerandthreeyoungchildrennottobegforIwillsoonerdieofdeprivationbuttomakemywaytothesea-porttownofDoverwhereIhavearelativeiinrespectnotonlythatwillassistmebutthatwouldtrustmewithuntoldgoldSirinappiertimesandharethiscalamityfelluponmeImadeformyamusementwhenIlittlethoughtthatIshouldeverneeditexceptingformyairthis’—herethewell-spokenyoungmanputhishandintohisbreast—‘thiscomb!SirIimploreyouinthenameofcharitytopurchaseatortoiseshellcombwhichisagenuinearticleatanypricethatyourhumanitymayputuponitandmaytheblessingsofaouselessfamilyawaitingwithbeatingartsthereturnofahusbandandafatherfromDoveruponthecoldstoneseatsofLondon-bridgeeverattendyouSirmayItakethelibertyofspeakingtoyouIimploreyoutobuythiscomb!’Bythistime,beingareasonablygoodwalker,youwillhavebeentoomuchforthewell-spokenyoungman,whowillstopshortandexpresshisdisgustandhiswantofbreath,inalongexpectoration,asyouleavehimbehind.

Towardstheendofthesamewalk,onthesamebrightsummerday,atthecornerofthenextlittletownorvillage,youmayfindanotherkindoftramp,embodiedinthepersonsofamostexemplarycouplewhoseonlyimprovidenceappearstohavebeen,thattheyspentthelastoftheirlittleAllonsoap.Theyareamanandwoman,spotlesstobehold—JohnAnderson,withthefrostonhisshortsmock-frockinsteadofhis‘pow,’attendedbyMrs.Anderson.Johnisover-ostentatiousofthefrostuponhisraiment,andwearsacuriousand,youwouldsay,analmostunnecessarydemonstrationofgirdleofwhitelinenwoundabouthiswaist—agirdle,snowyasMrs.Anderson’sapron.Thiscleanlinesswastheexpiringeffortoftherespectablecouple,andnothingthenremainedtoMr.Andersonbuttogetchalkeduponhisspadeinsnow-whitecopy-bookcharacters,HUNGRY!andtositdownhere.Yes;onethingmoreremainedtoMr.Anderson—hischaracter;Monarchscouldnotdeprivehimofhishard-earnedcharacter.Accordingly,asyoucomeupwiththisspectacleofvirtueindistress,Mrs.Andersonrises,andwithadecentcurtseypresentsforyourconsiderationacertificatefromaDoctorofDivinity,thereverendtheVicarofUpperDodgington,whoinformshisChristianfriendsandallwhomitmayconcernthatthebearers,JohnAndersonandlawfulwife,arepersonstowhomyoucannotbetooliberal.Thisbenevolentpastoromittednoworkofhishandstofitthegoodcoupleout,forwithhalfaneyeyoucanrecognisehisautographonthespade.

Anotherclassoftrampisaman,themostvaluablepartofwhosestock-in-tradeisahighlyperplexeddemeanour.Heisgotuplikeacountryman,andyouwilloftencomeuponthepoorfellow,whileheisendeavouringtodeciphertheinscriptiononamilestone—quiteafruitlessendeavour,forhecannotread.Heasksyourpardon,hetrulydoes(heisveryslowofspeech,thistramp,andhelooksinabewilderedwayallroundtheprospectwhilehetalkstoyou),butallofussholddoaswewoldbedoneby,andhe’lltakeitkind,ifyou’llputapowermanintherightroadfurtojinehiseldestsonashasbrokehislegbadinthemasoning,andisinthisheereOrspit’lasiswrotedownbySquirePouncerby’sownhandaswoldnottellaliefurnoman.Hethenproducesfromunderhisdarkfrock(being

alwaysveryslowandperplexed)aneatbutwornoldleathernpurse,fromwhichhetakesascrapofpaper.Onthisscrapofpaperiswritten,bySquirePouncerby,ofTheGrove,‘PleasetodirecttheBearer,apoorbutveryworthyman,totheSussexCountyHospital,nearBrighton’—amatterofsomedifficultyatthemoment,seeingthattherequestcomessuddenlyuponyouinthedepthsofHertfordshire.ThemoreyouendeavourtoindicatewhereBrightonis—whenyouhavewiththegreatestdifficultyremembered—thelessthedevotedfathercanbemadetocomprehend,andthemoreobtuselyhestaresattheprospect;whereby,beingreducedtoextremity,yourecommendthefaithfulparenttobeginbygoingtoSt.Albans,andpresenthimwithhalf-a-crown.Itdoeshimgood,nodoubt,butscarcelyhelpshimforward,sinceyoufindhimlyingdrunkthatsameeveninginthewheelwright’ssawpitundertheshedwherethefelledtreesare,oppositethesignoftheThreeJollyHedgers.

But,themostvicious,byfar,ofalltheidletramps,isthetrampwhopretendstohavebeenagentleman.‘Educated,’hewrites,fromthevillagebeer-shopinpaleinkofaferruginouscomplexion;‘educatedatTrin.Coll.Cam.—nursedinthelapofaffluence—onceinmysmallwaythepattronoftheMuses,’&c.&c.&c.—surelyasympatheticmindwillnotwithholdatrifle,tohelphimontothemarket-townwherehethinksofgivingaLecturetothefrugesconsumerenati,onthingsingeneral?Thisshamefulcreaturelollingabouthedgetap-roomsinhisraggedclothes,nowsofarfrombeingblackthattheylookasiftheynevercanhavebeenblack,ismoreselfishandinsolentthaneventhesavagetramp.Hewouldspongeonthepoorestboyforafarthing,andspurnhimwhenhehadgotit;hewouldinterpose(ifhecouldgetanythingbyit)betweenthebabyandthemother’sbreast.Somuchlowerthanthecompanyhekeeps,forhismaudlinassumptionofbeinghigher,thispitilessrascalblightsthesummerroadashemaundersonbetweentheluxurianthedges;where(tomythinking)eventhewildconvolvulusandroseandsweet-briar,aretheworseforhisgoingby,andneedtimetorecoverfromthetaintofhimintheair.

Theyoungfellowswhotrudgealongbarefoot,fiveorsixtogether,theirbootsslungovertheirshoulders,theirshabbybundlesundertheirarms,theirsticksnewlycutfromsomeroadsidewood,arenoteminentlyprepossessing,butaremuchlessobjectionable.Thereisatramp-fellowshipamongthem.Theypickoneanotherupatrestingstations,andgoonincompanies.Theyalwaysgoatafastswing—thoughtheygenerallylimptoo—andthereisinvariablyoneofthecompanywhohasmuchadotokeepupwiththerest.Theygenerallytalkabouthorses,andanyothermeansoflocomotionthanwalking:or,oneofthecompanyrelatessomerecentexperiencesoftheroad—whicharealwaysdisputesanddifficulties.Asforexample.‘SoasI’mastandingatthepumpinthemarket,blestiftheredon’tcomeupaBeadle,andheses,“Mustn’tstandhere,”heses.“Whynot?”Ises.“Nobeggarsallowedinthistown,”heses.“Who’sabeggar?”Ises.“Youare,”heses.“Whoeverseemebeg?Didyou?”Ises.“Thenyou’reatramp,”heses.“I’dratherbethatthanaBeadle,”Ises.’(Thecompanyexpressgreatapproval.)‘“Wouldyou?”hesestome.“Yes,Iwould,”Isestohim.“Well,”heses,“anyhow,getoutofthistown.”“Why,blowyourlittletown!”Ises,“whowantstobeinit?Wotdoesyourdirtylittletownmeanbycomin’andstickin’itselfintheroadtoanywhere?Whydon’tyougetashovelandabarrer,andclearyourtownouto’people’sway?”’(Thecompanyexpressingthehighestapprovalandlaughingaloud,theyallgodownthehill.)

Then,therearethetramphandicraftmen.AretheynotalloverEngland,inthis

Midsummertime?Wheredoesthelarksing,thecorngrow,themillturn,theriverrun,andtheyarenotamongthelightsandshadows,tinkering,chair-mending,umbrella-mending,clock-mending,knife-grinding?Surely,apleasantthing,ifwewereinthatconditionoflife,togrindourwaythroughKent,Sussex,andSurrey.Fortheworstsixweeksorso,weshouldseethesparkswegroundoff,fierybrightagainstabackgroundofgreenwheatandgreenleaves.Alittlelater,andtheripeharvestwouldpaleoursparksfromredtoyellow,untilwegotthedarknewly-turnedlandforabackgroundagain,andtheywereredoncemore.Bythattime,weshouldhavegroundourwaytotheseacliffs,andthewhirrofourwheelwouldbelostinthebreakingofthewaves.Ournextvarietyinsparkswouldbederivedfromcontrastwiththegorgeousmedleyofcoloursintheautumnwoods,and,bythetimewehadgroundourwayroundtotheheathylandsbetweenReigateandCroydon,doingaprosperousstrokeofbusinessallalong,weshouldshowlikealittlefireworkinthelightfrostyair,andbethenextbestthingtotheblacksmith’sforge.Veryagreeable,too,togoonachair-mendingtour.Whatjudgesweshouldbeofrushes,andhowknowingly(withasheafandabottomlesschairatourback)weshouldloungeonbridges,lookingoveratosier-beds!Amongalltheinnumerableoccupationsthatcannotpossiblybetransactedwithouttheassistanceoflookers-on,chair-mendingmaytakeastationinthefirstrank.Whenwesatdownwithourbacksagainstthebarnorthepublic-house,andbegantomend,whatasenseofpopularitywouldgrowuponus!Whenallthechildrencametolookatus,andthetailor,andthegeneraldealer,andthefarmerwhohadbeengivingasmallorderatthelittlesaddler’s,andthegroomfromthegreathouse,andthepublican,andeventhetwoskittle-players(andherenotethat,howsoeverbusyalltherestofvillagehuman-kindmaybe,therewillalwaysbetwopeoplewithleisuretoplayatskittles,wherevervillageskittlesare),whatencouragementwouldbeonustoplaitandweave!Noonelooksatuswhileweplaitandweavethesewords.Clock-mendingagain.Exceptfortheslightinconvenienceofcarryingaclockunderourarm,andthemonotonyofmakingthebellgo,wheneverwecametoahumanhabitation,whatapleasantprivilegetogiveavoicetothedumbcottage-clock,andsetittalkingtothecottagefamilyagain!Likewiseweforeseegreatinterestingoingroundbytheparkplantations,undertheoverhangingboughs(hares,rabbits,partridges,andpheasants,scuddinglikemadacrossandacrossthechequeredgroundbeforeus),andsoovertheparkladder,andthroughthewood,untilwecametotheKeeper’slodge.Then,would,theKeeperbediscoverableathisdoor,inadeepnestofleaves,smokinghispipe.Then,onouraccostinghiminthewayofourtrade,wouldhecalltoMrs.Keeper,respecting‘t’ouldclock’inthekitchen.Then,wouldMrs.Keeperaskusintothelodge,andondueexaminationweshouldoffertomakeagoodjobofitforeighteenpence;whichoffer,beingaccepted,wouldsetustinklingandclinkingamongthechubby,awe-strucklittleKeepersforanhourandmore.Socompletelytothefamily’ssatisfactionwouldweachieveourwork,thattheKeeperwouldmentionhowthattherewassomethingwrongwiththebelloftheturretstable-clockupattheHall,andthatifwethoughtgoodofgoinguptothehousekeeperonthechanceofthatjobtoo,whyhewouldtakeus.Then,shouldwego,amongthebranchingoaksandthedeepfern,bysilentwaysofmysteryknowntotheKeeper,seeingtheherdglancinghereandthereaswewentalong,untilwecametotheoldHall,solemnandgrand.UndertheTerraceFlowerGarden,androundbythestables,wouldtheKeepertakeusin,andaswepassedweshouldobservehowspaciousandstatelythestables,andhowfinethepaintingofthehorses’namesovertheirstalls,and

howsolitaryall:thefamilybeinginLondon.Then,shouldwefindourselvespresentedtothehousekeeper,sitting,inhushedstate,atneedlework,inabay-windowlookingoutuponamightygrimred-brickquadrangle,guardedbystonelionsdisrespectfullythrowingsomersaultsovertheescutcheonsofthenoblefamily.Then,ourservicesacceptedandweinsinuatedwithacandleintothestable-turret,weshouldfindittobeamerequestionofpendulum,butonethatwouldholdusuntildark.Then,shouldwefalltowork,withageneralimpressionofGhostsbeingabout,andofpicturesindoorsthatofacertaintycameoutoftheirframesand‘walked,’ifthefamilywouldonlyownit.Then,shouldweworkandwork,untilthedaygraduallyturnedtodusk,andevenuntiltheduskgraduallyturnedtodark.Ourtaskatlengthaccomplished,weshouldbetakenintoanenormousservants’hall,andthereregaledwithbeefandbread,andpowerfulale.Then,paidfreely,weshouldbeatlibertytogo,andshouldbetoldbyapointinghelpertokeeproundoveryinderbytheblastedash,andsostraightthroughthewoods,tillweshouldseethetown-lightsrightaforeus.Then,feelinglonesome,shouldwedesireuponthewhole,thattheashhadnotbeenblasted,orthatthehelperhadhadthemannersnottomentionit.However,weshouldkeepon,allright,tillsuddenlythestablebellwouldstriketeninthedolefullestway,quitechillingourblood,thoughwehadsolatelytaughthimhowtoacquithimself.Then,aswewenton,shouldwerecalloldstories,anddimlyconsiderwhatitwouldbemostadvisabletodo,intheeventofatallfigure,allinwhite,withsaucereyes,comingupandsaying,‘Iwantyoutocometoachurchyardandmendachurchclock.Followme!’Then,shouldwemakeabursttogetclearofthetrees,andshouldsoonfindourselvesintheopen,withthetown-lightsbrightaheadofus.SoshouldweliethatnightattheancientsignoftheCrispinandCrispanus,andriseearlynextmorningtobebetimesontrampagain.

Bricklayersoftentramp,intwosandthrees,lyingbynightattheir‘lodges,’whicharescatteredalloverthecountry.Bricklayingisanotheroftheoccupationsthatcanbynomeansbetransactedinruralparts,withouttheassistanceofspectators—ofasmanyascanbeconvened.Inthinly-peopledspots,Ihaveknownbrick-layersontramp,comingupwithbricklayersatwork,tobesosensibleoftheindispensabilityoflookers-on,thattheythemselveshavesatupinthatcapacity,andhavebeenunabletosubsideintotheacceptanceofaprofferedshareinthejob,fortwoorthreedaystogether.Sometimes,the‘navvy,’ontramp,withanextrapairofhalf-bootsoverhisshoulder,abag,abottle,andacan,willtakeasimilarpartinajobofexcavation,andwilllookatitwithoutengaginginit,untilallhismoneyisgone.Thecurrentofmyuncommercialpursuitscausedmeonlylastsummertowantalittlebodyofworkmenforacertainspellofworkinapleasantpartofthecountry;andIwasatonetimehonouredwiththeattendanceofasmanyasseven-and-twenty,whowerelookingatsix.

Whocanbefamiliarwithanyrustichighwayinsummer-time,withoutstoringupknowledgeofthemanytrampswhogofromoneoasisoftownorvillagetoanother,tosellastockintrade,apparentlynotworthashillingwhensold?Shrimpsareafavouritecommodityforthiskindofspeculation,andsoarecakesofasoftandspongycharacter,coupledwithSpanishnutsandbrandyballs.Thestockiscarriedontheheadinabasket,and,betweentheheadandthebasket,arethetrestlesonwhichthestockisdisplayedattradingtimes.Fleetoffoot,butacarewornclassoftrampthis,mostly;withacertainstiffnessofneck,occasionedbymuchanxiousbalancingofbaskets;andalsowithalong,

Chinesesortofeye,whichanoverweightedforeheadwouldseemtohavesqueezedintothatform.

Onthehotdustyroadsnearseaporttownsandgreatrivers,beholdthetrampingSoldier.Andifyoushouldhappennevertohaveaskedyourselfwhetherhisuniformissuitedtohiswork,perhapsthepoorfellow’sappearanceashecomesdistressfullytowardsyou,withhisabsurdlytightjacketunbuttoned,hisneck-gearinhishand,andhislegswellchafedbyhistrousersofbaize,maysuggestthepersonalinquiry,howyouthinkyouwouldlikeit.MuchbetterthetrampingSailor,althoughhisclothissomewhattoothickforlandservice.But,whythetrampingmerchant-mateshouldputonablackvelvetwaistcoat,forachalkycountryinthedog-days,isoneofthegreatsecretsofnaturethatwillneverbediscovered.

IhavemyeyeuponapieceofKentishroad,borderedoneithersidebyawood,andhavingononehand,betweentheroad-dustandthetrees,askirtingpatchofgrass.Wildflowersgrowinabundanceonthisspot,anditlieshighandairy,withadistantriverstealingsteadilyawaytotheocean,likeaman’slife.Togainthemilestonehere,whichthemoss,primroses,violets,blue-bells,andwildroses,wouldsoonrenderillegiblebutforpeeringtravellerspushingthemasidewiththeirsticks,youmustcomeupasteephill,comewhichwayyoumay.So,allthetrampswithcartsorcaravans—theGipsy-tramp,theShow-tramp,theCheapJack—finditimpossibletoresistthetemptationsoftheplace,andallturnthehorseloosewhentheycometoit,andboilthepot.Blesstheplace,Ilovetheashesofthevagabondfiresthathavescorcheditsgrass!WhattrampchildrendoIseehere,attiredinahandfulofrags,makingagymnasiumoftheshaftsofthecart,makingafeather-bedoftheflintsandbrambles,makingatoyofthehobbledoldhorsewhoisnotmuchmorelikeahorsethananycheaptoywouldbe!Here,doIencounterthecartofmatsandbroomsandbaskets—withallthoughtsofbusinessgiventotheeveningwind—withthestewmadeandbeingservedout—withCheapJackandDearJillstrikingsoftmusicoutoftheplatesthatarerattledlikewarlikecymbalswhenputupforauctionatfairsandmarkets—theirmindssoinfluenced(nodoubt)bythemelodyofthenightingalesastheybegintosinginthewoodsbehindthem,thatifIweretoproposetodeal,theywouldsellmeanythingatcostprice.Onthishallowedgroundhasitbeenmyhappyprivilege(letmewhisperit),tobeholdtheWhite-hairedLadywiththepinkeyes,eatingmeat-piewiththeGiant:while,bythehedge-side,ontheboxofblanketswhichIknewcontainedthesnakes,weresetforththecupsandsaucersandtheteapot.ItwasonaneveninginAugust,thatIchanceduponthisravishingspectacle,andInoticedthat,whereastheGiantreclinedhalfconcealedbeneaththeoverhangingboughsandseemedindifferenttoNature,thewhitehairofthegraciousLadystreamedfreeinthebreathofevening,andherpinkeyesfoundpleasureinthelandscape.Iheardonlyasinglesentenceofheruttering,yetitbespokeatalentformodestrepartee.Theill-manneredGiant—accursedbehisevilrace!—hadinterruptedtheLadyinsomeremark,and,asIpassedthatenchantedcornerofthewood,shegentlyreprovedhim,withthewords,‘Now,Cobby;’—Cobby!soshortaname!—‘ain’tonefoolenoughtotalkatatime?’

Withinappropriatedistanceofthismagicground,thoughnotsonearitasthatthesongtrolledfromtaporbenchatdoor,caninvadeitswoodlandsilence,isalittlehostelrywhichnomanpossessedofapennywaseverknowntopassinwarmweather.Beforeitsentrance,arecertainpleasant,trimmedlimes;likewise,acoolwell,withsomusicala

bucket-handlethatitsfalluponthebucketrimwillmakeahorseprickuphisearsandneigh,uponthedroughtyroadhalfamileoff.Thisisahouseofgreatresortforhaymakingtrampsandharvesttramps,insomuchthatastheysitwithin,drinkingtheirmugsofbeer,theirrelinquishedscythesandreaping-hooksglareoutoftheopenwindows,asifthewholeestablishmentwereafamilywar-coachofAncientBritons.Laterintheseason,thewholecountry-side,formilesandmiles,willswarmwithhoppingtramps.Theycomeinfamilies,men,women,andchildren,everyfamilyprovidedwithabundleofbedding,anironpot,anumberofbabies,andtoooftenwithsomepoorsickcreaturequiteunfitfortheroughlife,forwhomtheysupposethesmellofthefreshhoptobeasovereignremedy.ManyofthesehoppersareIrish,butmanycomefromLondon.Theycrowdalltheroads,andcampunderallthehedgesandonallthescrapsofcommon-land,andliveamonganduponthehopsuntiltheyareallpicked,andthehop-gardens,sobeautifulthroughthesummer,lookasiftheyhadbeenlaidwastebyaninvadingarmy.Then,thereisavastexodusoftrampsoutofthecountry;andifyourideordriveroundanyturnofanyroad,atmorethanafootpace,youwillbebewilderedtofindthatyouhavechargedintothebosomoffiftyfamilies,andthattherearesplashingupallaroundyou,intheutmostprodigalityofconfusion,bundlesofbedding,babies,ironpots,andagood-humouredmultitudeofbothsexesandallages,equallydividedbetweenperspirationandintoxication.

XIIDULLBOROUGHTOWN

ITlatelyhappenedthatIfoundmyselframblingaboutthescenesamongwhichmyearliestdayswerepassed;scenesfromwhichIdepartedwhenIwasachild,andwhichIdidnotrevisituntilIwasaman.Thisisnouncommonchance,butonethatbefallssomeofusanyday;perhapsitmaynotbequiteuninterestingtocomparenoteswiththereaderrespectinganexperiencesofamiliarandajourneysouncommercial.

Icallmyboyhood’shome(andIfeellikeaTenorinanEnglishOperawhenImentionit)Dullborough.MostofuscomefromDullboroughwhocomefromacountrytown.

AsIleftDullboroughinthedayswhentherewerenorailroadsintheland,Ileftitinastage-coach.Throughalltheyearsthathavesincepassed,haveIeverlostthesmellofthedampstrawinwhichIwaspacked—likegame—andforwarded,carriagepaid,totheCrossKeys,Wood-street,Cheapside,London?Therewasnootherinsidepassenger,andIconsumedmysandwichesinsolitudeanddreariness,anditrainedhardalltheway,andIthoughtlifesloppierthanIhadexpectedtofindit.

Withthistenderremembranceuponme,IwascavalierlyshuntedbackintoDullboroughtheotherday,bytrain.Mytickethadbeenpreviouslycollected,likemytaxes,andmyshiningnewportmanteauhadhadagreatplasterstuckuponit,andIhadbeendefiedbyActofParliamenttoofferanobjectiontoanythingthatwasdonetoit,orme,underapenaltyofnotlessthanfortyshillingsormorethanfivepounds,compoundableforatermofimprisonment.WhenIhadsentmydisfiguredpropertyontothehotel,Ibegantolookaboutme;andthefirstdiscoveryImade,was,thattheStationhadswalloweduptheplaying-field.

Itwasgone.Thetwobeautifulhawthorn-trees,thehedge,theturf,andallthosebuttercupsanddaisies,hadgivenplacetothestoniestofjoltingroads:while,beyondtheStation,anuglydarkmonsterofatunnelkeptitsjawsopen,asifithadswallowedthemandwereravenousformoredestruction.Thecoachthathadcarriedmeaway,wasmelodiouslycalledTimpson’sBlue-EyedMaid,andbelongedtoTimpson,atthecoach-officeup-street;thelocomotiveenginethathadbroughtmeback,wascalledseverelyNo.97,andbelongedtoS.E.R.,andwasspittingashesandhotwaterovertheblightedground.

WhenIhadbeenletoutattheplatform-door,likeaprisonerwhomhisturnkeygrudginglyreleased,Ilookedinagainoverthelowwall,atthesceneofdepartedglories.Here,inthehaymakingtime,hadIbeendeliveredfromthedungeonsofSeringapatam,animmensepile(ofhaycock),bymyowncountrymen,thevictoriousBritish(boynextdoorandhistwocousins),andhadbeenrecognisedwithecstasybymyaffiancedone(MissGreen),whohadcomeallthewayfromEngland(secondhouseintheterrace)toransomme,andmarryme.Here,hadIfirstheardinconfidence,fromonewhosefatherwasgreatlyconnected,beingunderGovernment,oftheexistenceofaterriblebanditti,called‘TheRadicals,’whoseprincipleswere,thatthePrinceRegentworestays,andthatnobodyhadarighttoanysalary,andthatthearmyandnavyoughttobeputdown—horrorsatwhichI

trembledinmybed,aftersupplicatingthattheRadicalsmightbespeedilytakenandhanged.Here,too,hadwe,thesmallboysofBoles’s,hadthatcricketmatchagainstthesmallboysofColes’s,whenBolesandColeshadactuallymetupontheground,andwhen,insteadofinstantlyhittingoutatoneanotherwiththeutmostfury,aswehadallhopedandexpected,thosesneakshadsaidrespectively,‘IhopeMrs.Bolesiswell,’and‘IhopeMrs.Colesandthebabyaredoingcharmingly.’Coulditbethat,afterallthis,andmuchmore,thePlaying-fieldwasaStation,andNo.97expectoratedboilingwaterandredhotcindersonit,andthewholebelongedbyActofParliamenttoS.E.R.?

Asitcouldbe,andwas,Ilefttheplacewithaheavyheartforawalkalloverthetown.AndfirstofTimpson’sup-street.WhenIdepartedfromDullboroughinthestrawyarmsofTimpson’sBlue-EyedMaid,Timpson’swasamoderate-sizedcoach-office(infact,alittlecoach-office),withanovaltransparencyinthewindow,whichlookedbeautifulbynight,representingoneofTimpson’scoachesintheactofpassingamilestoneontheLondonroadwithgreatvelocity,completelyfullinsideandout,andallthepassengersdressedinthefirststyleoffashion,andenjoyingthemselvestremendously.IfoundnosuchplaceasTimpson’snow—nosuchbricksandrafters,nottomentionthename—nosuchedificeontheteemingearth.PickfordhadcomeandknockedTimpson’sdown.PickfordhadnotonlyknockedTimpson’sdown,buthadknockedtwoorthreehousesdownoneachsideofTimpson’s,andthenhadknockedthewholeintoonegreatestablishmentwithapairofbiggates,inandoutofwhich,his(Pickford’s)waggonsare,inthesedays,alwaysrattling,withtheirdriverssittingupsohigh,thattheylookinatthesecond-floorwindowsoftheold-fashionedhousesintheHigh-streetastheyshakethetown.IhavenotthehonourofPickford’sacquaintance,butIfeltthathehaddonemeaninjury,nottosaycommittedanactofboyslaughter,inrunningovermyChildhoodinthisroughmanner;andifeverImeetPickforddrivingoneofhisownmonsters,andsmokingapipethewhile(whichisthecustomofhismen),heshallknowbytheexpressionofmyeye,ifitcatcheshis,thatthereissomethingwrongbetweenus.

Moreover,IfeltthatPickfordhadnorighttocomerushingintoDullboroughanddeprivethetownofapublicpicture.HeisnotNapoleonBonaparte.Whenhetookdownthetransparentstage-coach,heoughttohavegiventhetownatransparentvan.WithagloomyconvictionthatPickfordiswhollyutilitarianandunimaginative,Iproceededonmyway.

ItisamercyIhavenotaredandgreenlampandanight-bellatmydoor,forinmyveryyoungdaysIwastakentosomanylyings-inthatIwonderIescapedbecomingaprofessionalmartyrtotheminafter-life.IsupposeIhadaverysympatheticnurse,withalargecircleofmarriedacquaintance.Howeverthatwas,asIcontinuedmywalkthroughDullborough,Ifoundmanyhousestobesolelyassociatedinmymindwiththisparticularinterest.Atonelittlegreengrocer’sshop,downcertainstepsfromthestreet,Iremembertohavewaitedonaladywhohadhadfourchildren(Iamafraidtowritefive,thoughIfullybelieveitwasfive)atabirth.ThismeritoriouswomanheldquiteareceptioninherroomonthemorningwhenIwasintroducedthere,andthesightofthehousebroughtvividlytomymindhowthefour(five)deceasedyoungpeoplelay,sidebyside,onacleanclothonachestofdrawers;remindingmebyahomelyassociation,whichIsuspecttheircomplexiontohaveassisted,ofpigs’feetastheyareusuallydisplayedataneattripe-shop.Hotcandlewashandedroundontheoccasion,andIfurtherrememberedasIstood

contemplatingthegreengrocer’s,thatasubscriptionwasenteredintoamongthecompany,whichbecameextremelyalarmingtomyconsciousnessofhavingpocket-moneyonmyperson.Thisfactbeingknowntomyconductress,whoevershewas,Iwasearnestlyexhortedtocontribute,butresolutelydeclined:thereindisgustingthecompany,whogavemetounderstandthatImustdismissallexpectationsofgoingtoHeaven.

Howdoesithappenthatwhenallelseischangewhereveronegoes,thereyetseem,ineveryplace,tobesomefewpeoplewhoneveralter?Asthesightofthegreengrocer’shouserecalledthesetrivialincidentsoflongago,theidenticalgreengrocerappearedonthesteps,withhishandsinhispockets,andleaninghisshoulderagainstthedoor-post,asmychildisheyeshadseenhimmanyatime;indeed,therewashisoldmarkonthedoor-postyet,asifhisshadowhadbecomeafixturethere.Itwashehimself;hemightformerlyhavebeenanold-lookingyoungman,orhemightnowbeayoung-lookingoldman,buttherehewas.Inwalkingalongthestreet,Ihadasyetlookedinvainforafamiliarface,orevenatransmittedface;herewastheverygreengrocerwhohadbeenweighingandhandlingbasketsonthemorningofthereception.Ashebroughtwithhimadawningremembrancethathehadhadnoproprietaryinterestinthosebabies,Icrossedtheroad,andaccostedhimonthesubject.Hewasnotintheleastexcitedorgratified,orinanywayroused,bytheaccuracyofmyrecollection,butsaid,Yes,summutoutofthecommon—hedidn’trememberhowmanyitwas(asifhalf-a-dozenbabeseitherwaymadenodifference)—hadhappenedtoaMrs.What’s-her-name,asoncelodgedthere—buthedidn’tcallittomind,particular.Nettledbythisphlegmaticconduct,IinformedhimthatIhadleftthetownwhenIwasachild.Heslowlyreturned,quiteunsoftened,andnotwithoutasarcastickindofcomplacency,HadI?Ah!AnddidIfindithadgotontolerablywellwithoutme?Suchisthedifference(Ithought,whenIhadlefthimafewhundredyardsbehind,andwasbysomuchinabettertemper)betweengoingawayfromaplaceandremaininginit.Ihadnoright,Ireflected,tobeangrywiththegreengrocerforhiswantofinterest,Iwasnothingtohim:whereashewasthetown,thecathedral,thebridge,theriver,mychildhood,andalargesliceofmylife,tome.

Ofcoursethetownhadshrunkfearfully,sinceIwasachildthere.IhadentertainedtheimpressionthattheHigh-streetwasatleastaswideasRegent-street,London,ortheItalianBoulevardatParis.Ifounditlittlebetterthanalane.Therewasapublicclockinit,whichIhadsupposedtobethefinestclockintheworld:whereasitnowturnedouttobeasinexpressive,moon-faced,andweakaclockaseverIsaw.ItbelongedtoaTownHall,whereIhadseenanIndian(whoInowsupposewasn’tanIndian)swallowasword(whichInowsupposehedidn’t).Theedificehadappearedtomeinthosedayssogloriousastructure,thatIhadsetitupinmymindasthemodelonwhichtheGenieoftheLampbuiltthepalaceforAladdin.Ameanlittlebrickheap,likeadementedchapel,withafewyawningpersonsinleathergaiters,andinthelastextremityforsomethingtodo,loungingatthedoorwiththeirhandsintheirpockets,andcallingthemselvesaCornExchange!

TheTheatrewasinexistence,Ifound,onaskingthefishmonger,whohadacompactshowofstockinhiswindow,consistingofasoleandaquartofshrimps—andIresolvedtocomfortmymindbygoingtolookatit.RichardtheThird,inaveryuncomfortablecloak,hadfirstappearedtomethere,andhadmademyheartleapwithterrorbybackingupagainstthestage-boxinwhichIwasposted,whilestrugglingforlifeagainstthevirtuous

Richmond.ItwaswithinthosewallsthatIhadlearntasfromapageofEnglishhistory,howthatwickedKingsleptinwar-timeonasofamuchtooshortforhim,andhowfearfullyhisconsciencetroubledhisboots.There,too,hadIfirstseenthefunnycountryman,butcountrymanofnobleprinciples,inafloweredwaistcoat,crunchuphislittlehatandthrowitontheground,andpulloffhiscoat,saying,‘Domthee,squire,coomonwiththyfistesthen!’Atwhichthelovelyyoungwomanwhokeptcompanywithhim(andwhowentoutgleaning,inanarrowwhitemuslinapronwithfivebeautifulbarsoffivedifferent-colouredribbonsacrossit)wassofrightenedforhissake,thatshefaintedaway.ManywondroussecretsofNaturehadIcometotheknowledgeofinthatsanctuary:ofwhichnottheleastterrificwere,thatthewitchesinMacbethboreanawfulresemblancetotheThanesandotherproperinhabitantsofScotland;andthatthegoodKingDuncancouldn’trestinhisgrave,butwasconstantlycomingoutofitandcallinghimselfsomebodyelse.TotheTheatre,therefore,Irepairedforconsolation.ButIfoundverylittle,foritwasinabadanddecliningway.Adealerinwineandbottledbeerhadalreadysqueezedhistradeintothebox-office,andthetheatricalmoneywastaken—whenitcame—inakindofmeat-safeinthepassage.Thedealerinwineandbottledbeermusthaveinsinuatedhimselfunderthestagetoo;forheannouncedthathehadvariousdescriptionsofalcoholicdrinks‘inthewood,’andtherewasnopossiblestowageforthewoodanywhereelse.Evidently,hewasbydegreeseatingtheestablishmentawaytothecore,andwouldsoonhavesolepossessionofit.ItwasToLet,andhopelesslyso,foritsoldpurposes;andtherehadbeennoentertainmentwithinitswallsforalongtimeexceptaPanorama;andeventhathadbeenannouncedas‘pleasinglyinstructive,’andIknowtoowellthefatalmeaningandtheleadenimportofthoseterribleexpressions.No,therewasnocomfortintheTheatre.Itwasmysteriouslygone,likemyownyouth.Unlikemyownyouth,itmightbecomingbacksomeday;buttherewaslittlepromiseofit.

AsthetownwasplacardedwithreferencestotheDullboroughMechanics’Institution,IthoughtIwouldgoandlookatthatestablishmentnext.Therehadbeennosuchthinginthetown,inmyyoungday,anditoccurredtomethatitsextremeprosperitymighthavebroughtadversityupontheDrama.IfoundtheInstitutionwithsomedifficulty,andshouldscarcelyhaveknownthatIhadfounditifIhadjudgedfromitsexternalappearanceonly;butthiswasattributabletoitsneverhavingbeenfinished,andhavingnofront:consequently,itledamodestandretiredexistenceupastable-yard.Itwas(asIlearnt,oninquiry)amostflourishingInstitution,andofthehighestbenefittothetown:twotriumphswhichIwasgladtounderstandwerenotatallimpairedbytheseemingdrawbacksthatnomechanicsbelongedtoit,andthatitwassteepedindebttothechimney-pots.Ithadalargeroom,whichwasapproachedbyaninfirmstep-ladder:thebuilderhavingdeclinedtoconstructtheintendedstaircase,withoutapresentpaymentincash,whichDullborough(thoughprofoundlyappreciativeoftheInstitution)seemedunaccountablybashfulaboutsubscribing.Thelargeroomhadcost—orwould,whenpaidfor—fivehundredpounds;andithadmoremortarinitandmoreechoes,thanonemighthaveexpectedtogetforthemoney.Itwasfittedupwithaplatform,andtheusuallecturingtools,includingalargeblackboardofamenacingappearance.OnreferringtolistsofthecoursesoflecturesthathadbeengiveninthisthrivingHall,IfanciedIdetectedashynessinadmittingthathumannaturewhenatleisurehasanydesirewhatevertoberelievedanddiverted;andafurtiveslidinginofanypoormake-weightpieceofamusement,shame-facedlyandedgewise.Thus,Iobservedthatitwasnecessaryforthememberstobeknockedontheheadwith

Gas,Air,Water,Food,theSolarSystem,theGeologicalperiods,CriticismonMilton,theSteam-engine,JohnBunyan,andArrow-HeadedInscriptions,beforetheymightbetickledbythoseunaccountablechoristers,thenegrosingersinthecourtcostumeofthereignofGeorgetheSecond.Likewise,thattheymustbestunnedbyaweightyinquirywhethertherewasinternalevidenceinShakespeare’sworks,toprovethathisunclebythemother’ssidelivedforsomeyearsatStokeNewington,beforetheywerebrought-tobyaMiscellaneousConcert.But,indeed,themaskingofentertainment,andpretendingitwassomethingelse—aspeoplemaskbedsteadswhentheyareobligedtohavetheminsitting-rooms,andmakebelievethattheyarebook-cases,sofas,chestsofdrawers,anythingratherthanbedsteads—wasmanifesteveninthepretenceofdrearinessthattheunfortunateentertainersthemselvesfeltobligedindecencytoputforthwhentheycamehere.Oneveryagreeableprofessionalsinger,whotravelledwithtwoprofessionalladies,knewbetterthantointroduceeitherofthoseladiestosingtheballad‘Comin’throughtheRye’withoutprefacingithimself,withsomegeneralremarksonwheatandclover;andeventhen,hedarednotforhislifecallthesong,asong,butdisguiseditinthebillasan‘Illustration.’Inthelibrary,also—fittedwithshelvesforthreethousandbooks,andcontainingupwardsofonehundredandseventy(presentedcopiesmostly),seethingtheiredgesindampplaster—therewassuchapainfullyapologeticreturnof62offenderswhohadreadTravels,PopularBiography,andmereFictiondescriptiveoftheaspirationsoftheheartsandsoulsofmerehumancreatureslikethemselves;andsuchanelaborateparadeof2brightexampleswhohadhaddownEuclidaftertheday’soccupationandconfinement;and3whohadhaddownMetaphysicsafterditto;andIwhohadhaddownTheologyafterditto;and4whohadworriedGrammar,PoliticalEconomy,Botany,andLogarithmsallatonceafterditto;thatIsuspectedtheboastedclasstobeoneman,whohadbeenhiredtodoit.

EmergingfromtheMechanics’Institutionandcontinuingmywalkaboutthetown,Istillnoticedeverywheretheprevalence,toanextraordinarydegree,ofthiscustomofputtingthenaturaldemandforamusementoutofsight,assomeuntidyhousekeepersputdust,andpretendingthatitwassweptaway.Andyetitwasministeredto,inadullandabortivemanner,byallwhomadethisfeint.LookinginatwhatiscalledinDullborough‘theseriousbookseller’s,’where,inmychildhood,Ihadstudiedthefacesofnumbersofgentlemendepictedinrostrumswithagaslightoneachsideofthem,andcastingmyeyesovertheopenpagesofcertainprinteddiscoursesthere,Ifoundavastdealofaimingatjocosityanddramaticeffect,eveninthem—yes,verily,evenonthepartofoneverywrathfulexpounderwhobitterlyanathematisedapoorlittleCircus.Similarly,inthereadingprovidedfortheyoungpeopleenrolledintheLassoofLove,andotherexcellentunions,Ifoundthewritersgenerallyunderadistressingsensethattheymuststart(atallevents)likestory-tellers,anddeludetheyoungpersonsintothebeliefthattheyweregoingtobeinteresting.AsIlookedinatthiswindowfortwentyminutesbytheclock,Iaminapositiontoofferafriendlyremonstrance—notbearingonthisparticularpoint—tothedesignersandengraversofthepicturesinthosepublications.HavetheyconsideredtheawfulconsequenceslikelytoflowfromtheirrepresentationsofVirtue?Havetheyaskedthemselvesthequestion,whethertheterrificprospectofacquiringthatfearfulchubbinessofhead,unwieldinessofarm,feebledislocationofleg,crispinessofhair,andenormityofshirt-collar,whichtheyrepresentasinseparablefromGoodness,maynottendtoconfirmsensitivewaverers,inEvil?Amostimpressiveexample(ifIhadbelievedit)ofwhata

DustmanandaSailormaycometo,whentheymendtheirways,waspresentedtomeinthissameshop-window.Whentheywereleaning(theywereintimatefriends)againstapost,drunkandreckless,withsurpassinglybadhatson,andtheirhairovertheirforeheads,theywereratherpicturesque,andlookedasiftheymightbeagreeablemen,iftheywouldnotbebeasts.But,whentheyhadgotovertheirbadpropensities,andwhen,asaconsequence,theirheadshadswelledalarmingly,theirhairhadgotsocurlythatitliftedtheirblown-outcheeksup,theircoat-cuffsweresolongthattheynevercoulddoanywork,andtheireyesweresowideopenthattheynevercoulddoanysleep,theypresentedaspectaclecalculatedtoplungeatimidnatureintothedepthsofInfamy.

But,theclockthathadsodegeneratedsinceIsawitlast,admonishedmethatIhadstayedherelongenough;andIresumedmywalk.

IhadnotgonefiftypacesalongthestreetwhenIwassuddenlybroughtupbythesightofamanwhogotoutofalittlephaetonatthedoctor’sdoor,andwentintothedoctor’shouse.Immediately,theairwasfilledwiththescentoftroddengrass,andtheperspectiveofyearsopened,andattheendofitwasalittlelikenessofthismankeepingawicket,andIsaid,‘Godblessmysoul!JoeSpecks!’

Throughmanychangesandmuchwork,IhadpreservedatendernessforthememoryofJoe,forasmuchaswehadmadetheacquaintanceofRoderickRandomtogether,andhadbelievedhimtobenoruffian,butaningenuousandengaginghero.ScorningtoasktheboyleftinthephaetonwhetheritwasreallyJoe,andscorningeventoreadthebrassplateonthedoor—sosurewasI—IrangthebellandinformedtheservantmaidthatastrangersoughtaudienceofMr.Specks.Intoaroom,halfsurgery,halfstudy,Iwasshowntoawaithiscoming,andIfoundit,byaseriesofelaborateaccidents,bestrewnwithtestimoniestoJoe.PortraitofMr.Specks,bustofMr.Specks,silvercupfromgratefulpatienttoMr.Specks,presentationsermonfromlocalclergyman,dedicationpoemfromlocalpoet,dinner-cardfromlocalnobleman,tractonbalanceofpowerfromlocalrefugee,inscribedHommagedel’auteuràSpecks.

Whenmyoldschoolfellowcamein,andIinformedhimwithasmilethatIwasnotapatient,heseemedratheratalosstoperceiveanyreasonforsmilinginconnexionwiththatfact,andinquiredtowhatwashetoattributethehonour?Iaskedhimwithanothersmile,couldheremembermeatall?Hehadnot(hesaid)thatpleasure.IwasbeginningtohavebutapooropinionofMr.Specks,whenhesaidreflectively,‘Andyetthere’sasomethingtoo.’Uponthat,Isawaboyishlightinhiseyesthatlookedwell,andIaskedhimifhecouldinformme,asastrangerwhodesiredtoknowandhadnotthemeansofreferenceathand,whatthenameoftheyoungladywas,whomarriedMr.Random?Uponthat,hesaid‘Narcissa,’and,afterstaringforamoment,calledmebymyname,shookmebythehand,andmeltedintoaroaroflaughter.‘Why,ofcourse,you’llrememberLucyGreen,’hesaid,afterwehadtalkedalittle.‘Ofcourse,’saidI.‘Whomdoyouthinkshemarried?’saidhe.‘You?’Ihazarded.‘Me,’saidSpecks,‘andyoushallseeher.’SoIsawher,andshewasfat,andifallthehayintheworldhadbeenheapeduponher,itcouldscarcelyhavealteredherfacemorethanTimehadaltereditfrommyremembranceofthefacethathadoncelookeddownuponmeintothefragrantdungeonsofSeringapatam.Butwhenheryoungestchildcameinafterdinner(forIdinedwiththem,andwehadnoothercompanythanSpecks,Junior,Barrister-at-law,whowentawayassoonastheclothwasremoved,tolookaftertheyoungladytowhomhewasgoingtobemarriednextweek),Isawagain,inthatlittledaughter,thelittlefaceofthehayfield,unchanged,anditquitetouchedmyfoolishheart.Wetalkedimmensely,SpecksandMrs.Specks,andI,andwespokeofouroldselvesasthoughouroldselvesweredeadandgone,andindeed,indeedtheywere—deadandgoneastheplaying-fieldthathadbecomeawildernessofrustyiron,andthepropertyofS.E.R.

Specks,however,illuminatedDullboroughwiththeraysofinterestthatIwantedandshouldotherwisehavemissedinit,andlinkeditspresenttoitspast,withahighlyagreeablechain.AndinSpecks’ssocietyIhadnewoccasiontoobservewhatIhadbefore

noticedinsimilarcommunicationsamongothermen.Alltheschoolfellowsandothersofold,whomIinquiredabout,hadeitherdonesuperlativelywellorsuperlativelyill—hadeitherbecomeuncertificatedbankrupts,orbeenfeloniousandgotthemselvestransported;orhadmadegreathitsinlife,anddonewonders.Andthisissocommonlythecase,thatInevercanimaginewhatbecomesofallthemediocrepeopleofpeople’syouth—especiallyconsideringthatwefindnolackofthespeciesinourmaturity.But,IdidnotpropoundthisdifficultytoSpecks,fornopauseintheconversationgavemeanoccasion.Nor,couldIdiscoveronesingleflawinthegooddoctor—whenhereadsthis,hewillreceiveinafriendlyspiritthepleasantlymeantrecord—exceptthathehadforgottenhisRoderickRandom,andthatheconfoundedStrapwithLieutenantHatchway;whoneverknewRandom,howsoeverintimatewithPickle.

WhenIwentalonetotheRailwaytocatchmytrainatnight(Speckshadmeanttogowithme,butwasinopportunelycalledout),IwasinamorecharitablemoodwithDullboroughthanIhadbeenallday;andyetinmyheartIhadloveditalldaytoo.Ah!whowasIthatIshouldquarrelwiththetownforbeingchangedtome,whenImyselfhadcomeback,sochanged,toit!Allmyearlyreadingsandearlyimaginationsdatedfromthisplace,andItookthemawaysofullofinnocentconstructionandguilelessbelief,andIbroughtthembacksowornandtorn,somuchthewiserandsomuchtheworse!

XIIINIGHTWALKS

SOMEyearsago,atemporaryinabilitytosleep,referabletoadistressingimpression,causedmetowalkaboutthestreetsallnight,foraseriesofseveralnights.Thedisordermighthavetakenalongtimetoconquer,ifithadbeenfaintlyexperimentedoninbed;but,itwassoondefeatedbythebrisktreatmentofgettingupdirectlyafterlyingdown,andgoingout,andcominghometiredatsunrise.

Inthecourseofthosenights,Ifinishedmyeducationinafairamateurexperienceofhouselessness.Myprincipalobjectbeingtogetthroughthenight,thepursuitofitbroughtmeintosympatheticrelationswithpeoplewhohavenootherobjecteverynightintheyear.

ThemonthwasMarch,andtheweatherdamp,cloudy,andcold.Thesunnotrisingbeforehalf-pastfive,thenightperspectivelookedsufficientlylongathalf-pasttwelve:whichwasaboutmytimeforconfrontingit.

Therestlessnessofagreatcity,andthewayinwhichittumblesandtossesbeforeitcangettosleep,formedoneofthefirstentertainmentsofferedtothecontemplationofushouselesspeople.Itlastedabouttwohours.Welostagreatdealofcompanionshipwhenthelatepublic-housesturnedtheirlampsout,andwhenthepotmenthrustthelastbrawlingdrunkardsintothestreet;butstrayvehiclesandstraypeoplewereleftus,afterthat.Ifwewereverylucky,apoliceman’srattlesprangandafrayturnedup;but,ingeneral,surprisinglylittleofthisdiversionwasprovided.ExceptintheHaymarket,whichistheworstkeptpartofLondon,andaboutKent-streetintheBorough,andalongaportionofthelineoftheOldKent-road,thepeacewasseldomviolentlybroken.But,itwasalwaysthecasethatLondon,asifinimitationofindividualcitizensbelongingtoit,hadexpiringfitsandstartsofrestlessness.Afterallseemedquiet,ifonecabrattledby,half-a-dozenwouldsurelyfollow;andHouselessnessevenobservedthatintoxicatedpeopleappearedtobemagneticallyattractedtowardseachother;sothatweknewwhenwesawonedrunkenobjectstaggeringagainsttheshuttersofashop,thatanotherdrunkenobjectwouldstaggerupbeforefiveminuteswereout,tofraterniseorfightwithit.Whenwemadeadivergencefromtheregularspeciesofdrunkard,thethin-armed,puff-faced,leaden-lippedgin-drinker,andencounteredararerspecimenofamoredecentappearance,fiftytoonebutthatspecimenwasdressedinsoiledmourning.Asthestreetexperienceinthenight,sothestreetexperienceintheday;thecommonfolkwhocomeunexpectedlyintoalittleproperty,comeunexpectedlyintoadealofliquor.

Atlengththeseflickeringsparkswoulddieaway,wornout—thelastveritablesparksofwakinglifetrailedfromsomelatepiemanorhot-potatoman—andLondonwouldsinktorest.Andthentheyearningofthehouselessmindwouldbeforanysignofcompany,anylightedplace,anymovement,anythingsuggestiveofanyonebeingup—nay,evensomuchasawake,forthehouselesseyelookedoutforlightsinwindows.

Walkingthestreetsunderthepatteringrain,Houselessnesswouldwalkandwalkand

walk,seeingnothingbuttheinterminabletangleofstreets,saveatacorner,hereandthere,twopolicemeninconversation,orthesergeantorinspectorlookingafterhismen.Nowandtheninthenight—butrarely—Houselessnesswouldbecomeawareofafurtiveheadpeeringoutofadoorwayafewyardsbeforehim,and,comingupwiththehead,wouldfindamanstandingboltuprighttokeepwithinthedoorway’sshadow,andevidentlyintentuponnoparticularservicetosociety.Underakindoffascination,andinaghostlysilencesuitabletothetime,Houselessnessandthisgentlemanwouldeyeoneanotherfromheadtofoot,andso,withoutexchangeofspeech,part,mutuallysuspicious.Drip,drip,drip,fromledgeandcoping,splashfrompipesandwater-spouts,andby-and-bythehouselessshadowwouldfalluponthestonesthatpavethewaytoWaterloo-bridge;itbeinginthehouselessmindtohaveahalfpennyworthofexcuseforsaying‘Good-night’tothetoll-keeper,andcatchingaglimpseofhisfire.Agoodfireandagoodgreat-coatandagoodwoollenneck-shawl,werecomfortablethingstoseeinconjunctionwiththetoll-keeper;alsohisbriskwakefulnesswasexcellentcompanywhenherattledthechangeofhalfpencedownuponthatmetaltableofhis,likeamanwhodefiedthenight,withallitssorrowfulthoughts,anddidn’tcareforthecomingofdawn.Therewasneedofencouragementonthethresholdofthebridge,forthebridgewasdreary.Thechopped-upmurderedman,hadnotbeenloweredwitharopeovertheparapetwhenthosenightswere;hewasalive,andsleptthenquietlyenoughmostlikely,andundisturbedbyanydreamofwherehewastocome.Buttheriverhadanawfullook,thebuildingsonthebanksweremuffledinblackshrouds,andthereflectedlightsseemedtooriginatedeepinthewater,asifthespectresofsuicideswereholdingthemtoshowwheretheywentdown.Thewildmoonandcloudswereasrestlessasanevilconscienceinatumbledbed,andtheveryshadowoftheimmensityofLondonseemedtolieoppressivelyupontheriver.

Betweenthebridgeandthetwogreattheatres,therewasbutthedistanceofafewhundredpaces,sothetheatrescamenext.Grimandblackwithin,atnight,thosegreatdryWells,andlonesometoimagine,withtherowsoffacesfadedout,thelightsextinguished,andtheseatsallempty.OnewouldthinkthatnothinginthemknewitselfatsuchatimebutYorick’sskull.Inoneofmynightwalks,asthechurchsteepleswereshakingtheMarchwindsandrainwiththestrokesofFour,Ipassedtheouterboundaryofoneofthesegreatdeserts,andenteredit.Withadimlanterninmyhand,Igropedmywell-knownwaytothestageandlookedovertheorchestra—whichwaslikeagreatgravedugforatimeofpestilence—intothevoidbeyond.Adismalcavernofanimmenseaspect,withthechandeliergonedeadlikeeverythingelse,andnothingvisiblethroughmistandfogandspace,buttiersofwinding-sheets.Thegroundatmyfeetwhere,whenlastthere,IhadseenthepeasantryofNaplesdancingamongthevines,recklessoftheburningmountainwhichthreatenedtooverwhelmthem,wasnowinpossessionofastrongserpentofengine-hose,watchfullylyinginwaitfortheserpentFire,andreadytoflyatitifitshoweditsforkedtongue.Aghostofawatchman,carryingafaintcorpsecandle,hauntedthedistantuppergalleryandflittedaway.Retiringwithintheproscenium,andholdingmylightabovemyheadtowardstherolled-upcurtain—greennomore,butblackasebony—mysightlostitselfinagloomyvault,showingfaintindicationsinitofashipwreckofcanvasandcordage.MethoughtIfeltmuchasadivermight,atthebottomofthesea.

Inthosesmallhourswhentherewasnomovementinthestreets,itaffordedmatterforreflectiontotakeNewgateintheway,and,touchingitsroughstone,tothinkofthe

prisonersintheirsleep,andthentoglanceinatthelodgeoverthespikedwicket,andseethefireandlightofthewatchingturnkeys,onthewhitewall.Notaninappropriatetimeeither,tolingerbythatwickedlittleDebtors’Door—shuttingtighterthananyotherdooroneeversaw—whichhasbeenDeath’sDoortosomany.Inthedaysoftheutteringofforgedone-poundnotesbypeopletemptedupfromthecountry,howmanyhundredsofwretchedcreaturesofbothsexes—manyquiteinnocent—swungoutofapitilessandinconsistentworld,withthetowerofyonderChristianchurchofSaintSepulchremonstrouslybeforetheireyes!IsthereanyhauntingoftheBankParlour,bytheremorsefulsoulsofolddirectors,inthenightsoftheselaterdays,Iwonder,orisitasquietasthisdegenerateAceldamaofanOldBailey?

TowalkontotheBank,lamentingthegoodoldtimesandbemoaningthepresentevilperiod,wouldbeaneasynextstep,soIwouldtakeit,andwouldmakemyhouselesscircuitoftheBank,andgiveathoughttothetreasurewithin;likewisetotheguardofsoldierspassingthenightthere,andnoddingoverthefire.Next,IwenttoBillingsgate,insomehopeofmarket-people,butitprovingasyettooearly,crossedLondon-bridgeandgotdownbythewater-sideontheSurreyshoreamongthebuildingsofthegreatbrewery.Therewasplentygoingonatthebrewery;andthereek,andthesmellofgrains,andtherattlingoftheplumpdrayhorsesattheirmangers,werecapitalcompany.Quiterefreshedbyhavingmingledwiththisgoodsociety,Imadeanewstartwithanewheart,settingtheoldKing’sBenchprisonbeforemeformynextobject,andresolving,whenIshouldcometothewall,tothinkofpoorHoraceKinch,andtheDryRotinmen.

AverycuriousdiseasetheDryRotinmen,anddifficulttodetectthebeginningof.IthadcarriedHoraceKinchinsidethewalloftheoldKing’sBenchprison,andithadcarriedhimoutwithhisfeetforemost.Hewasalikelymantolookat,intheprimeoflife,welltodo,ascleverasheneededtobe,andpopularamongmanyfriends.Hewassuitablymarried,andhadhealthyandprettychildren.But,likesomefair-lookinghousesorfair-lookingships,hetooktheDryRot.ThefirststrongexternalrevelationoftheDryRotinmen,isatendencytolurkandlounge;tobeatstreet-cornerswithoutintelligiblereason;tobegoinganywherewhenmet;tobeaboutmanyplacesratherthanatany;todonothingtangible,buttohaveanintentionofperformingavarietyofintangibledutiesto-morroworthedayafter.Whenthismanifestationofthediseaseisobserved,theobserverwillusuallyconnectitwithavagueimpressiononceformedorreceived,thatthepatientwaslivingalittletoohard.Hewillscarcelyhavehadleisuretoturnitoverinhismindandformtheterriblesuspicion‘DryRot,’whenhewillnoticeachangefortheworseinthepatient’sappearance:acertainslovenlinessanddeterioration,whichisnotpoverty,nordirt,norintoxication,norill-health,butsimplyDryRot.Tothis,succeedsasmellasofstrongwaters,inthemorning;tothat,aloosenessrespectingmoney;tothat,astrongersmellasofstrongwaters,atalltimes;tothat,aloosenessrespectingeverything;tothat,atremblingofthelimbs,somnolency,misery,andcrumblingtopieces.Asitisinwood,soitisinmen.DryRotadvancesatacompoundusuryquiteincalculable.Aplankisfoundinfectedwithit,andthewholestructureisdevoted.ThusithadbeenwiththeunhappyHoraceKinch,latelyburiedbyasmallsubscription.Thosewhoknewhimhadnotnighdonesaying,‘Sowelloff,socomfortablyestablished,withsuchhopebeforehim—andyet,itisfeared,withaslighttouchofDryRot!’whenlo!themanwasallDryRotanddust.

Fromthedeadwallassociatedonthosehouselessnightswiththistoocommonstory,IchosenexttowanderbyBethlehemHospital;partly,becauseitlayonmyroadroundtoWestminster;partly,becauseIhadanightfancyinmyheadwhichcouldbebestpursuedwithinsightofitswallsanddome.Andthefancywasthis:Arenotthesaneandtheinsaneequalatnightasthesanelieadreaming?Arenotallofusoutsidethishospital,whodream,moreorlessintheconditionofthoseinsideit,everynightofourlives?Arewenotnightlypersuaded,astheydailyare,thatweassociatepreposterouslywithkingsandqueens,emperorsandempresses,andnotabilitiesofallsorts?Dowenotnightlyjumbleeventsandpersonagesandtimesandplaces,asthesedodaily?Arewenotsometimestroubledbyourownsleepinginconsistencies,anddowenotvexedlytrytoaccountforthemorexcusethem,justasthesedosometimesinrespectoftheirwakingdelusions?Saidanafflictedmantome,whenIwaslastinahospitallikethis,‘Sir,Icanfrequentlyfly.’IwashalfashamedtoreflectthatsocouldI—bynight.Saidawomantomeonthesameoccasion,‘QueenVictoriafrequentlycomestodinewithme,andherMajestyandIdineoffpeachesandmaccaroniinournight-gowns,andhisRoyalHighnessthePrinceConsortdoesusthehonourtomakeathirdonhorsebackinaField-Marshal’suniform.’CouldIrefrainfromreddeningwithconsciousnesswhenIrememberedtheamazingroyalpartiesImyselfhadgiven(atnight),theunaccountableviandsIhadputontable,andmyextraordinarymannerofconductingmyselfonthosedistinguishedoccasions?Iwonderthatthegreatmasterwhokneweverything,whenhecalledSleepthedeathofeachday’slife,didnotcallDreamstheinsanityofeachday’ssanity.

BythistimeIhadlefttheHospitalbehindme,andwasagainsettingtowardstheriver;andinashortbreathingspaceIwasonWestminster-bridge,regalingmyhouselesseyeswiththeexternalwallsoftheBritishParliament—theperfectionofastupendousinstitution,Iknow,andtheadmirationofallsurroundingnationsandsucceedingages,Idonotdoubt,butperhapsalittlethebetternowandthenforbeingprickeduptoitswork.TurningoffintoOldPalace-yard,theCourtsofLawkeptmecompanyforaquarterofanhour;hintinginlowwhisperswhatnumbersofpeopletheywerekeepingawake,andhowintenselywretchedandhorribletheywererenderingthesmallhourstounfortunatesuitors.WestminsterAbbeywasfinegloomysocietyforanotherquarterofanhour;suggestingawonderfulprocessionofitsdeadamongthedarkarchesandpillars,eachcenturymoreamazedbythecenturyfollowingitthanbyallthecenturiesgoingbefore.Andindeedinthosehouselessnightwalks—whichevenincludedcemeterieswherewatchmenwentroundamongthegravesatstatedtimes,andmovedthetell-talehandleofanindexwhichrecordedthattheyhadtoucheditatsuchanhour—itwasasolemnconsiderationwhatenormoushostsofdeadbelongtooneoldgreatcity,andhow,iftheywereraisedwhilethelivingslept,therewouldnotbethespaceofapin’spointinallthestreetsandwaysforthelivingtocomeoutinto.Notonlythat,butthevastarmiesofdeadwouldoverflowthehillsandvalleysbeyondthecity,andwouldstretchawayallroundit,Godknowshowfar.

Whenachurchclockstrikes,onhouselessearsinthedeadofthenight,itmaybeatfirstmistakenforcompanyandhailedassuch.But,asthespreadingcirclesofvibration,whichyoumayperceiveatsuchatimewithgreatclearness,goopeningout,foreverandeverafterwardswideningperhaps(asthephilosopherhassuggested)ineternalspace,themistakeisrectifiedandthesenseoflonelinessisprofounder.Once—itwasafterleaving

theAbbeyandturningmyfacenorth—IcametothegreatstepsofSt.Martin’schurchastheclockwasstrikingThree.Suddenly,athingthatinamomentmoreIshouldhavetroddenuponwithoutseeing,roseupatmyfeetwithacryoflonelinessandhouselessness,struckoutofitbythebell,thelikeofwhichIneverheard.Wethenstoodfacetofacelookingatoneanother,frightenedbyoneanother.Thecreaturewaslikeabeetle-browedhair-lippedyouthoftwenty,andithadaloosebundleofragson,whichitheldtogetherwithoneofitshands.Itshiveredfromheadtofoot,anditsteethchattered,andasitstaredatme—persecutor,devil,ghost,whateveritthoughtme—itmadewithitswhiningmouthasifitweresnappingatme,likeaworrieddog.Intendingtogivethisuglyobjectmoney,Iputoutmyhandtostayit—foritrecoiledasitwhinedandsnapped—andlaidmyhanduponitsshoulder.Instantly,ittwistedoutofitsgarment,liketheyoungmanintheNewTestament,andleftmestandingalonewithitsragsinmyhands.

Covent-gardenMarket,whenitwasmarketmorning,waswonderfulcompany.Thegreatwaggonsofcabbages,withgrowers’menandboyslyingasleepunderthem,andwithsharpdogsfrommarket-gardenneighbourhoodslookingafterthewhole,wereasgoodasaparty.ButoneoftheworstnightsightsIknowinLondon,istobefoundinthechildrenwhoprowlaboutthisplace;whosleepinthebaskets,fightfortheoffal,dartatanyobjecttheythinktheycanlaytheirtheirthievinghandson,diveunderthecartsandbarrows,dodgetheconstables,andareperpetuallymakingabluntpatteringonthepavementofthePiazzawiththerainoftheirnakedfeet.Apainfulandunnaturalresultcomesofthecomparisononeisforcedtoinstitutebetweenthegrowthofcorruptionasdisplayedinthesomuchimprovedandcaredforfruitsoftheearth,andthegrowthofcorruptionasdisplayedinthesealluncaredfor(exceptinasmuchasever-hunted)savages.

TherewasearlycoffeetobegotaboutCovent-gardenMarket,andthatwasmorecompany—warmcompany,too,whichwasbetter.Toastofaverysubstantialquality,waslikewiseprocurable:thoughthetowzled-headedmanwhomadeit,inaninnerchamberwithinthecoffee-room,hadn’tgothiscoatonyet,andwassoheavywithsleepthatineveryintervaloftoastandcoffeehewentoffanewbehindthepartitionintocomplicatedcross-roadsofchokeandsnore,andlosthiswaydirectly.Intooneoftheseestablishments(amongtheearliest)nearBow-street,therecameonemorningasIsatovermyhouselesscup,ponderingwheretogonext,amaninahighandlongsnuff-colouredcoat,andshoes,and,tothebestofmybelief,nothingelsebutahat,whotookoutofhishatalargecoldmeatpudding;ameatpuddingsolargethatitwasaverytightfit,andbroughttheliningofthehatoutwithit.Thismysteriousmanwasknownbyhispudding,foronhisentering,themanofsleepbroughthimapintofhottea,asmallloaf,andalargeknifeandforkandplate.Lefttohimselfinhisbox,hestoodthepuddingonthebaretable,and,insteadofcuttingit,stabbedit,overhand,withtheknife,likeamortalenemy;thentooktheknifeout,wipeditonhissleeve,torethepuddingasunderwithhisfingers,andateitallup.Theremembranceofthismanwiththepuddingremainswithmeastheremembranceofthemostspectralpersonmyhouselessnessencountered.TwiceonlywasIinthatestablishment,andtwiceIsawhimstalkin(asIshouldsay,justoutofbed,andpresentlygoingbacktobed),takeouthispudding,stabhispudding,wipethedagger,andeathispuddingallup.Hewasamanwhosefigurepromisedcadaverousness,butwhohadanexcessivelyredface,thoughshapedlikeahorse’s.Onthesecondoccasionofmyseeinghim,hesaidhuskilytothemanofsleep,‘AmIredto-night?’‘Youare,’he

uncompromisinglyanswered.‘Mymother,’saidthespectre,‘wasared-facedwomanthatlikeddrink,andIlookedatherhardwhenshelaidinhercoffin,andItookthecomplexion.’Somehow,thepuddingseemedanunwholesomepuddingafterthat,andIputmyselfinitswaynomore.

Whentherewasnomarket,orwhenIwantedvariety,arailwayterminuswiththemorningmailscomingin,wasremunerativecompany.Butlikemostofthecompanytobehadinthisworld,itlastedonlyaveryshorttime.Thestationlampswouldburstoutablaze,theporterswouldemergefromplacesofconcealment,thecabsandtruckswouldrattletotheirplaces(thepost-officecartswerealreadyintheirs),and,finally,thebellwouldstrikeup,andthetrainwouldcomebangingin.Buttherewerefewpassengersandlittleluggage,andeverythingscuttledawaywiththegreatestexpedition.Thelocomotivepost-offices,withtheirgreatnets—asiftheyhadbeendraggingthecountryforbodies—wouldflyopenastotheirdoors,andwoulddisgorgeasmelloflamp,anexhaustedclerk,aguardinaredcoat,andtheirbagsofletters;theenginewouldblowandheaveandperspire,likeanenginewipingitsforeheadandsayingwhatarunithadhad;andwithintenminutesthelampswereout,andIwashouselessandaloneagain.

Butnow,thereweredrivencattleonthehighroadnear,wanting(ascattlealwaysdo)toturnintothemidstofstonewalls,andsqueezethemselvesthroughsixinches’widthofironrailing,andgettingtheirheadsdown(alsoascattlealwaysdo)fortossing-purchaseatquiteimaginarydogs,andgivingthemselvesandeverydevotedcreatureassociatedwiththemamostextraordinaryamountofunnecessarytrouble.Now,too,theconsciousgasbegantogrowpalewiththeknowledgethatdaylightwascoming,andstragglingworkpeoplewerealreadyinthestreets,and,aswakinglifehadbecomeextinguishedwiththelastpieman’ssparks,soitbegantoberekindledwiththefiresofthefirststreet-cornerbreakfast-sellers.Andsobyfasterandfasterdegrees,untilthelastdegreeswereveryfast,thedaycame,andIwastiredandcouldsleep.Anditisnot,asIusedtothink,goinghomeatsuchtimes,theleastwonderfulthinginLondon,thatintherealdesertregionofthenight,thehouselesswandererisalonethere.IknewwellenoughwheretofindViceandMisfortuneofallkinds,ifIhadchosen;buttheywereputoutofsight,andmyhouselessnesshadmanymilesuponmilesofstreetsinwhichitcould,anddid,haveitsownsolitaryway.

XIVCHAMBERS

HAVINGoccasiontotransactsomebusinesswithasolicitorwhooccupiesahighlysuicidalsetofchambersinGray’sInn,IafterwardstookaturninthelargesquareofthatstrongholdofMelancholy,reviewing,withcongenialsurroundings,myexperiencesofChambers.

Ibegan,aswasnatural,withtheChambersIhadjustleft.Theywereanuppersetonarottenstaircase,withamysteriousbunkorbulkheadonthelandingoutsidethem,ofarathernauticalandScrewCollier-likeappearancethanotherwise,andpaintedanintenseblack.ManydustyyearshavepassedsincetheappropriationofthisDavyJones’slockertoanypurpose,andduringthewholeperiodwithinthememoryoflivingman,ithasbeenhaspedandpadlocked.Icannotquitesatisfymymindwhetheritwasoriginallymeantforthereceptionofcoals,orbodies,orasaplaceoftemporarysecurityfortheplunder‘looted’bylaundresses;butIinclinetothelastopinion.Itisaboutbreasthigh,andusuallyservesasabulkfordefendantsinreducedcircumstancestoleanagainstandponderat,whentheycomeonthehopefulerrandoftryingtomakeanarrangementwithoutmoney—underwhichauspiciouscircumstancesitmostlyhappensthatthelegalgentlemantheywanttosee,ismuchengaged,andtheypervadethestaircaseforaconsiderableperiod.Againstthisopposingbulk,intheabsurdestmanner,thetomb-likeouterdoorofthesolicitor’schambers(whichisalsoofanintenseblack)standsindarkambush,halfopen,andhalfshut,allday.Thesolicitor’sapartmentsarethreeinnumber;consistingofaslice,acell,andawedge.Thesliceisassignedtothetwoclerks,thecellisoccupiedbytheprincipal,andthewedgeisdevotedtostraypapers,oldgamebasketsfromthecountry,awashing-stand,andamodelofapatentShip’sCaboosewhichwasexhibitedinChanceryatthecommencementofthepresentcenturyonanapplicationforaninjunctiontorestraininfringement.Atabouthalf-pastnineoneveryweek-daymorning,theyoungerofthetwoclerks(who,Ihavereasontobelieve,leadsthefashionatPentonvilleinthearticlesofpipesandshirts)maybefoundknockingthedustoutofhisofficialdoor-keyonthebunkorlockerbeforementioned;andsoexceedinglysubjecttodustishiskey,andsoveryretentiveofthatsuperfluity,thatinexceptionalsummerweatherwhenarayofsunlighthasfallenonthelockerinmypresence,IhavenoticeditsinexpressivecountenancetobedeeplymarkedbyakindofBramaherysipelasorsmall-pox.

Thissetofchambers(asIhavegraduallydiscovered,whenIhavehadrestlessoccasiontomakeinquiriesorleavemessages,afterofficehours)isunderthechargeofaladynamedSweeney,infigureextremelylikeanoldfamily-umbrella:whosedwellingconfrontsadeadwallinacourtoffGray’sInn-lane,andwhoisusuallyfetchedintothepassageofthatbower,whenwanted,fromsomeneighbouringhomeofindustry,whichhasthecuriouspropertyofimpartinganinflammatoryappearancetohervisage.Mrs.Sweeneyisoneoftheraceofprofessedlaundresses,andisthecompilerofaremarkablemanuscriptvolumeentitled‘Mrs.Sweeney’sBook,’fromwhichmuchcuriousstatisticalinformation

maybegatheredrespectingthehighpricesandsmallusesofsoda,soap,sand,firewood,andothersucharticles.Ihavecreatedalegendinmymind—andconsequentlyIbelieveitwiththeutmostpertinacity—thatthelateMr.Sweeneywasaticket-porterundertheHonourableSocietyofGray’sInn,andthat,inconsiderationofhislongandvaluableservices,Mrs.Sweeneywasappointedtoherpresentpost.For,thoughdevoidofpersonalcharms,Ihaveobservedthisladytoexerciseafascinationovertheelderlyticker-portermind(particularlyunderthegateway,andincornersandentries),whichIcanonlyrefertoherbeingoneofthefraternity,yetnotcompetingwithit.Allthatneedbesaidconcerningthissetofchambers,issaid,whenIhaveaddedthatitisinalargedoublehouseinGray’sInn-square,verymuchoutofrepair,andthattheouterportalisornamentedinahideousmannerwithcertainstoneremains,whichhavetheappearanceofthedismemberedbust,torso,andlimbsofapetrifiedbencher.

Indeed,IlookuponGray’sInngenerallyasoneofthemostdepressinginstitutionsinbrickandmortar,knowntothechildrenofmen.CananythingbemoredrearythanitsaridSquare,SaharaDesertofthelaw,withtheuglyoldtiled-toppedtenements,thedirtywindows,thebillsToLet,ToLet,thedoor-postsinscribedlikegravestones,thecrazygatewaygivinguponthefilthyLane,thescowling,iron-barredprison-likepassageintoVerulam-buildings,themouldyred-nosedticket-porterswithlittlecoffinplates,andwhywithaprons,thedry,hard,atomy-likeappearanceofthewholedust-heap?Whenmyuncommercialtravelstendtothisdismalspot,mycomfortisitsricketystate.Imaginationgloatsoverthefulnessoftimewhenthestaircasesshallhavequitetumbleddown—theyaredailywearingintoanill-savouredpowder,buthavenotquitetumbleddownyet—whenthelastoldprolixbencheralloftheoldentime,shallhavebeengotoutofanupperwindowbymeansofaFireLadder,andcarriedofftotheHolbornUnion;whenthelastclerkshallhaveengrossedthelastparchmentbehindthelastsplashonthelastofthemud-stainedwindows,which,allthroughthemiryyear,arepilloriedoutofrecognitioninGray’sInn-lane.Then,shallasqualidlittletrench,withrankgrassandapumpinit,lyingbetweenthecoffee-houseandSouth-square,bewhollygivenuptocatsandrats,andnot,asnow,haveitsempiredividedbetweenthoseanimalsandafewbrieflessbipeds—surelycalledtotheBarbyvoicesofdeceivingspirits,seeingthattheyarewantedtherebynomortal—whoglancedown,witheyesbetterglazedthantheircasements,fromtheirdrearyandlacklustrerooms.ThenshallthewayNor’Westward,nowlyingunderashortgrimcolonnadewhereinsummer-timepouncefliesfromlaw-stationeringwindowsintotheeyesoflaymen,bechokedwithrubbishandhappilybecomeimpassable.Thenshallthegardenswhereturf,trees,andgravelwearalegalliveryofblack,runrank,andpilgrimsgotoGorhamburytoseeBacon’seffigyashesat,andnotcomehere(whichintruththeyseldomdo)toseewherehewalked.Then,inaword,shalltheold-establishedvendorofperiodicalssitaloneinhislittlecribofashopbehindtheHolbornGate,likethatlumberingMariusamongtheruinsofCarthage,whohassatheavyonathousandmillionofsimiles.

AtoneperiodofmyuncommercialcareerImuchfrequentedanothersetofchambersinGray’sInn-square.Theywerewhatisfamiliarlycalled‘atopset,’andalltheeatablesanddrinkablesintroducedintothemacquiredaflavourofCockloft.IhaveknownanunopenedStrasbourgpâtéfreshfromFortnumandMason’s,todrawinthiscocklofttonethroughitscrockerydish,andbecomepenetratedwithcocklofttothecoreofitsinmost

truffleinthree-quartersofanhour.This,however,wasnotthemostcuriousfeatureofthosechambers;that,consistedintheprofoundconvictionentertainedbymyesteemedfriendParkle(theirtenant)thattheywereclean.Whetheritwasaninbornhallucination,orwhetheritwasimpartedtohimbyMrs.Miggotthelaundress,Inevercouldascertain.But,Ibelievehewouldhavegonetothestakeuponthequestion.Now,theyweresodirtythatIcouldtakeoffthedistinctestimpressionofmyfigureonanyarticleoffurniturebymerelylounginguponitforafewmoments;anditusedtobeaprivateamusementofminetoprintmyselfoff—ifImayusetheexpression—allovertherooms.ItwasthefirstlargecirculationIhad.AtothertimesIhaveaccidentallyshakenawindowcurtainwhileinanimatedconversationwithParkle,andstrugglinginsectswhichwerecertainlyred,andwerecertainlynotladybirds,havedroppedonthebackofmyhand.YetParklelivedinthattopsetyears,boundbodyandsoultothesuperstitionthattheywereclean.Heusedtosay,whencongratulateduponthem,‘Well,theyarenotlikechambersinonerespect,youknow;theyareclean.’Concurrently,hehadanideawhichhecouldneverexplain,thatMrs.MiggotwasinsomewayconnectedwiththeChurch.Whenhewasinparticularlygoodspirits,heusedtobelievethatadeceaseduncleofhershadbeenaDean;whenhewaspoorlyandlow,hebelievedthatherbrotherhadbeenaCurate.IandMrs.Miggot(shewasagenteelwoman)wereonconfidentialterms,butIneverknewhertocommitherselftoanydistinctassertiononthesubject;shemerelyclaimedaproprietorshipintheChurch,bylookingwhenitwasmentioned,asifthereferenceawakenedtheslumberingPast,andwerepersonal.ItmayhavebeenhisamiableconfidenceinMrs.Miggot’sbetterdaysthatinspiredmyfriendwithhisdelusionrespectingthechambers,butheneverwaveredinhisfidelitytoitforamoment,thoughhewallowedindirtsevenyears.

Twoofthewindowsofthesechamberslookeddownintothegarden;andwehavesatuptheretogethermanyasummerevening,sayinghowpleasantitwas,andtalkingofmanythings.Tomyintimacywiththattopset,Iamindebtedforthreeofmyliveliestpersonalimpressionsofthelonelinessoflifeinchambers.Theyshallfollowhere,inorder;first,second,andthird.

First.MyGray’sInnfriend,onatime,hurtoneofhislegs,anditbecameseriouslyinflamed.Notknowingofhisindisposition,Iwasonmywaytovisithimasusual,onesummerevening,whenIwasmuchsurprisedbymeetingalivelyleechinField-court,Gray’sInn,seeminglyonhiswaytotheWestEndofLondon.Astheleechwasalone,andwasofcourseunabletoexplainhisposition,evenifhehadbeeninclinedtodoso(whichhehadnottheappearanceofbeing),Ipassedhimandwenton.TurningthecornerofGray’sInn-square,Iwasbeyondexpressionamazedbymeetinganotherleech—alsoentirelyalone,andalsoproceedinginawesterlydirection,thoughwithlessdecisionofpurpose.Ruminatingonthisextraordinarycircumstance,andendeavouringtorememberwhetherIhadeverread,inthePhilosophicalTransactionsoranyworkonNaturalHistory,ofamigrationofLeeches,Iascendedtothetopset,pastthedrearyseriesofclosedouterdoorsofofficesandanemptysetortwo,whichintervenedbetweenthatloftyregionandthesurface.Enteringmyfriend’srooms,Ifoundhimstretcheduponhisback,likePrometheusBound,withaperfectlydementedticket-porterinattendanceonhiminsteadoftheVulture:whichhelplessindividual,whowasfeebleandfrightened,andhad(myfriendexplainedtome,ingreatcholer)beenendeavouringforsomehourstoapplyleechestohisleg,andasyethadonlygotontwooutoftwenty.TothisUnfortunate’s

distractionbetweenadampclothonwhichhehadplacedtheleechestofreshenthem,andthewrathfuladjurationsofmyfriendto‘Stick’emon,sir!’IreferredthephenomenonIhadencountered:theratherastwofinespecimenswereatthatmomentgoingoutatthedoor,whileageneralinsurrectionoftherestwasinprogressonthetable.Afterawhileourunitedeffortsprevailed,and,whentheleechescameoffandhadrecoveredtheirspirits,wecarefullytiedthemupinadecanter.ButIneverheardmoreofthemthanthattheywereallgonenextmorning,andthattheOut-of-dooryoungmanofBickle,BushandBodger,onthegroundfloor,hadbeenbittenandbloodedbysomecreaturenotidentified.Theynever‘took’onMrs.Miggot,thelaundress;but,Ihavealwayspreservedfresh,thebeliefthatsheunconsciouslycarriedseveralabouther,untiltheygraduallyfoundopeningsinlife.

Second.OnthesamestaircasewithmyfriendParkle,andonthesamefloor,therelivedamanoflawwhopursuedhisbusinesselsewhere,andusedthosechambersashisplaceofresidence.Forthreeorfouryears,Parkleratherknewofhimthanknewhim,butafterthat—forEnglishmen—shortpauseofconsideration,theybegantospeak.Parkleexchangedwordswithhiminhisprivatecharacteronly,andknewnothingofhisbusinessways,ormeans.Hewasamanagooddealabouttown,butalwaysalone.Weusedtoremarktooneanother,thatalthoughweoftenencounteredhimintheatres,concert-rooms,andsimilarpublicplaces,hewasalwaysalone.Yethewasnotagloomyman,andwasofadecidedlyconversationalturn;insomuchthathewouldsometimesofaneveningloungewithacigarinhismouth,halfinandhalfoutofParkle’srooms,anddiscussthetopicsofthedaybythehour.Heusedtohintontheseoccasionsthathehadfourfaultstofindwithlife;firstly,thatitobligedamantobealwayswindinguphiswatch;secondly,thatLondonwastoosmall;thirdly,thatitthereforewantedvariety;fourthly,thattherewastoomuchdustinit.Therewassomuchdustinhisownfadedchambers,certainly,thattheyremindedmeofasepulchre,furnishedinpropheticanticipationofthepresenttime,whichhadnewlybeenbroughttolight,afterhavingremainedburiedafewthousandyears.Onedry,hotautumneveningattwilight,thisman,beingthenfiveyearsturnedoffifty,lookedinuponParkleinhisusualloungingway,withhiscigarinhismouthasusual,andsaid,‘Iamgoingoutoftown.’Asheneverwentoutoftown,Parklesaid,‘Ohindeed!Atlast?’‘Yes,’sayshe,‘atlast.Forwhatisamantodo?Londonissosmall!IfyougoWest,youcometoHounslow.IfyougoEast,youcometoBow.IfyougoSouth,there’sBrixtonorNorwood.IfyougoNorth,youcan’tgetridofBarnet.Then,themonotonyofallthestreets,streets,streets—andofalltheroads,roads,roads—andthedust,dust,dust!’Whenhehadsaidthis,hewishedParkleagoodevening,butcamebackagainandsaid,withhiswatchinhishand,‘Oh,Ireallycannotgoonwindingupthiswatchoverandoveragain;Iwishyouwouldtakecareofit.’So,Parklelaughedandconsented,andthemanwentoutoftown.Themanremainedoutoftownsolong,thathisletter-boxbecamechoked,andnomoreletterscouldbegotintoit,andtheybegantobeleftatthelodgeandtoaccumulatethere.Atlastthehead-porterdecided,onconferencewiththesteward,tousehismaster-keyandlookintothechambers,andgivethemthebenefitofawhiffofair.Then,itwasfoundthathehadhangedhimselftohisbedstead,andhadleftthiswrittenmemorandum:‘Ishouldprefertobecutdownbymyneighbourandfriend(ifhewillallowmetocallhimso),H.Parkle,Esq.’ThiswasanendofParkle’soccupancyofchambers.Hewentintolodgingsimmediately.

Third.WhileParklelivedinGray’sInn,andImyselfwasuncommerciallypreparingfortheBar—whichisdone,aseverybodyknows,byhavingafrayedoldgownputoninapantrybyanoldwomaninachronicstateofSaintAnthony’sfireanddropsy,and,sodecorated,boltingabaddinnerinapartyoffour,whereofeachindividualmistruststheotherthree—Isay,whilethesethingswere,therewasacertainelderlygentlemanwholivedinacourtoftheTemple,andwasagreatjudgeandloverofportwine.Everydayhedinedathisclubanddrankhisbottleortwoofportwine,andeverynightcamehometotheTempleandwenttobedinhislonelychambers.Thishadgoneonmanyyearswithoutvariation,whenonenighthehadafitoncominghome,andfellandcuthisheaddeep,butpartlyrecoveredandgropedaboutinthedarktofindthedoor.Whenhewasafterwardsdiscovered,dead,itwasclearlyestablishedbythemarksofhishandsabouttheroomthathemusthavedoneso.Now,thischancedonthenightofChristmasEve,andoverhimlivedayoungfellowwhohadsistersandyoungcountryfriends,andwhogavethemalittlepartythatnight,inthecourseofwhichtheyplayedatBlindman’sBuff.Theyplayedthatgame,fortheirgreatersport,bythelightofthefireonly;andonce,whentheywereallquietlyrustlingandstealingabout,andtheblindmanwastryingtopickouttheprettiestsister(forwhichIamfarfromblaminghim),somebodycried,Hark!ThemanbelowmustbeplayingBlindman’sBuffbyhimselfto-night!Theylistened,andtheyheardsoundsofsomeonefallingaboutandstumblingagainstfurniture,andtheyalllaughedattheconceit,andwentonwiththeirplay,morelight-heartedandmerrythanever.Thus,thosetwosodifferentgamesoflifeanddeathwereplayedouttogether,blindfolded,inthetwosetsofchambers.

Sucharetheoccurrences,which,comingtomyknowledge,imbuedmelongagowithastrongsenseofthelonelinessofchambers.Therewasafantasticillustrationtomuchthesamepurposeimplicitlybelievedbyastrangesortofmannowdead,whomIknewwhenIhadnotquitearrivedatlegalyearsofdiscretion,thoughIwasalreadyintheuncommercialline.

Thiswasamanwho,thoughnotmorethanthirty,hadseentheworldindiversirreconcilablecapacities—hadbeenanofficerinaSouthAmericanregimentamongotheroddthings—buthadnotachievedmuchinanywayoflife,andwasindebt,andinhiding.HeoccupiedchambersofthedreariestnatureinLyonsInn;hisname,however,wasnotuponthedoor,ordoor-post,butinlieuofitstoodthenameofafriendwhohaddiedinthechambers,andhadgivenhimthefurniture.Thestoryaroseoutofthefurniture,andwastothiseffect:—Lettheformerholderofthechambers,whosenamewasstilluponthedooranddoor-post,beMr.Testator.

Mr.TestatortookasetofchambersinLyonsInnwhenhehadbutveryscantyfurnitureforhisbedroom,andnoneforhissitting-room.Hehadlivedsomewintrymonthsinthiscondition,andhadfounditverybareandcold.Onenight,pastmidnight,whenhesatwritingandstillhadwritingtodothatmustbedonebeforehewenttobed,hefoundhimselfoutofcoals.Hehadcoalsdown-stairs,buthadneverbeentohiscellar;howeverthecellar-keywasonhismantelshelf,andifhewentdownandopenedthecellaritfitted,hemightfairlyassumethecoalsinthatcellartobehis.Astohislaundress,shelivedamongthecoal-waggonsandThameswatermen—fortherewereThameswatermenatthattime—insomeunknownrat-holebytheriver,downlanesandalleysontheothersideoftheStrand.Astoanyotherpersontomeethimorobstructhim,LyonsInnwasdreaming,

drunk,maudlin,moody,betting,broodingoverbill-discountingorrenewing—asleeporawake,mindingitsownaffairs.Mr.Testatortookhiscoal-scuttleinonehand,hiscandleandkeyintheother,anddescendedtothedismallestundergrounddensofLyonsInn,wherethelatevehiclesinthestreetsbecamethunderous,andallthewater-pipesintheneighbourhoodseemedtohaveMacbeth’sAmenstickingintheirthroats,andtobetryingtogetitout.Aftergropinghereandthereamonglowdoorstonopurpose,Mr.Testatoratlengthcametoadoorwitharustypadlockwhichhiskeyfitted.Gettingthedooropenwithmuchtrouble,andlookingin,hefound,nocoals,butaconfusedpileoffurniture.Alarmedbythisintrusiononanotherman’sproperty,helockedthedooragain,foundhisowncellar,filledhisscuttle,andreturnedup-stairs.

Butthefurniturehehadseen,ranoncastorsacrossandacrossMr.Testator’smindincessantly,when,inthechillhouroffiveinthemorning,hegottobed.Heparticularlywantedatabletowriteat,andatableexpresslymadetobewrittenat,hadbeenthepieceoffurnitureintheforegroundoftheheap.Whenhislaundressemergedfromherburrowinthemorningtomakehiskettleboil,heartfullyleduptothesubjectofcellarsandfurniture;butthetwoideashadevidentlynoconnexioninhermind.Whenshelefthim,andhesatathisbreakfast,thinkingaboutthefurniture,herecalledtherustystateofthepadlock,andinferredthatthefurnituremusthavebeenstoredinthecellarsforalongtime—wasperhapsforgotten—ownerdead,perhaps?Afterthinkingitover,afewdays,inthecourseofwhichhecouldpumpnothingoutofLyonsInnaboutthefurniture,hebecamedesperate,andresolvedtoborrowthattable.Hedidso,thatnight.Hehadnothadthetablelong,whenhedeterminedtoborrowaneasy-chair;hehadnothadthatlong,whenhemadeuphismindtoborrowabookcase;then,acouch;then,acarpetandrug.Bythattime,hefelthewas‘infurnituresteppedinsofar,’asthatitcouldbenoworsetoborrowitall.Consequently,heborroweditall,andlockedupthecellarforgood.Hehadalwayslockedit,aftereveryvisit.Hehadcarriedupeveryseparatearticleinthedeadofthenight,and,atthebest,hadfeltaswickedasaResurrectionMan.Everyarticlewasblueandfurrywhenbroughtintohisrooms,andhehadhad,inamurderousandguiltysortofway,topolishitupwhileLondonslept.

Mr.Testatorlivedinhisfurnishedchamberstwoorthreeyears,ormore,andgraduallylulledhimselfintotheopinionthatthefurniturewashisown.Thiswashisconvenientstateofmindwhen,lateonenight,astepcameupthestairs,andahandpassedoverhisdoorfeelingforhisknocker,andthenonedeepandsolemnrapwasrappedthatmighthavebeenaspringinMr.Testator’seasy-chairtoshoothimoutofit;sopromptlywasitattendedwiththateffect.

Withacandleinhishand,Mr.Testatorwenttothedoor,andfoundthere,averypaleandverytallman;amanwhostooped;amanwithveryhighshoulders,averynarrowchest,andaveryrednose;ashabby-genteelman.Hewaswrappedinalongthread-bareblackcoat,fastenedupthefrontwithmorepinsthanbuttons,andunderhisarmhesqueezedanumbrellawithoutahandle,asifhewereplayingbagpipes.Hesaid,‘Iaskyourpardon,butcanyoutellme—’andstopped;hiseyesrestingonsomeobjectwithinthechambers.

‘CanItellyouwhat?’askedMr.Testator,notinghisstoppagewithquickalarm.

‘Iaskyourpardon,’saidthestranger,‘but—thisisnottheinquiryIwasgoingtomake—doIseeinthere,anysmallarticleofpropertybelongingtome?’

Mr.Testatorwasbeginningtostammerthathewasnotaware—whenthevisitorslippedpasthim,intothechambers.There,inagoblinwaywhichfrozeMr.Testatortothemarrow,heexamined,first,thewriting-table,andsaid,‘Mine;’then,theeasy-chair,andsaid,‘Mine;’then,thebookcase,andsaid,‘Mine;’then,turnedupacornerofthecarpet,andsaid,‘Mine!’inaword,inspectedeveryitemoffurniturefromthecellar,insuccession,andsaid,‘Mine!’Towardstheendofthisinvestigation,Mr.Testatorperceivedthathewassoddenwithliquor,andthattheliquorwasgin.Hewasnotunsteadywithgin,eitherinhisspeechorcarriage;buthewasstiffwithgininbothparticulars.

Mr.Testatorwasinadreadfulstate,for(accordingtohismakingoutofthestory)thepossibleconsequencesofwhathehaddoneinrecklessnessandhardihood,flasheduponhimintheirfulnessforthefirsttime.Whentheyhadstoodgazingatoneanotherforalittlewhile,hetremulouslybegan:

‘Sir,Iamconsciousthatthefullestexplanation,compensation,andrestitution,areyourdue.Theyshallbeyours.Allowmetoentreatthat,withouttemper,withoutevennaturalirritationonyourpart,wemayhavealittle—’

‘Dropofsomethingtodrink,’interposedthestranger.‘Iamagreeable.’

Mr.Testatorhadintendedtosay,‘alittlequietconversation,’butwithgreatreliefofmindadoptedtheamendment.Heproducedadecanterofgin,andwasbustlingaboutforhotwaterandsugar,whenhefoundthathisvisitorhadalreadydrunkhalfofthedecanter’scontents.WithhotwaterandsugarthevisitordranktheremainderbeforehehadbeenanhourinthechambersbythechimesofthechurchofSt.MaryintheStrand;andduringtheprocesshefrequentlywhisperedtohimself,‘Mine!’

Thegingone,andMr.Testatorwonderingwhatwastofollowit,thevisitorroseandsaid,withincreasedstiffness,‘Atwhathourofthemorning,sir,willitbeconvenient?’Mr.Testatorhazarded,‘Atten?’‘Sir,’saidthevisitor,‘atten,tothemoment,Ishallbehere.’HethencontemplatedMr.Testatorsomewhatatleisure,andsaid,‘Godblessyou!Howisyourwife?’Mr.Testator(whoneverhadawife)repliedwithmuchfeeling,‘Deeplyanxious,poorsoul,butotherwisewell.’Thevisitorthereuponturnedandwentaway,andfelltwiceingoingdown-stairs.Fromthathourhewasneverheardof.Whetherhewasaghost,oraspectralillusionofconscience,oradrunkenmanwhohadnobusinessthere,orthedrunkenrightfulownerofthefurniture,withatransitorygleamofmemory;whetherhegotsafehome,orhadnotimetogetto;whetherhediedofliquorontheway,orlivedinliquoreverafterwards;heneverwasheardofmore.Thiswasthestory,receivedwiththefurnitureandheldtobeassubstantial,byitssecondpossessorinanuppersetofchambersingrimLyonsInn.

Itistoberemarkedofchambersingeneral,thattheymusthavebeenbuiltforchambers,tohavetherightkindofloneliness.Youmaymakeagreatdwelling-houseverylonely,butisolatingsuitesofroomsandcallingthemchambers,butyoucannotmakethetruekindofloneliness.Indwelling-houses,therehavebeenfamilyfestivals;childrenhavegrowninthem,girlshavebloomedintowomeninthem,courtshipsandmarriageshavetakenplaceinthem.Truechambersneverwereyoung,childish,maidenly;neverhaddollsinthem,orrocking-horses,orchristenings,orbetrothals,orlittlecoffins.LetGray’s

InnidentifythechildwhofirsttouchedhandsandheartswithRobinsonCrusoe,inanyoneofitsmany‘sets,’andthatchild’slittlestatue,inwhitemarblewithagoldeninscription,shallbeatitsservice,atmycostandcharge,asadrinkingfountainforthespirit,tofreshenitsthirstysquare.LetLincoln’sproducefromallitshouses,atwentiethoftheprocessionderivablefromanydwelling-houseone-twentiethofitsage,offairyoungbrideswhomarriedforloveandhope,notsettlements,andalltheVice-Chancellorsshallthenceforwardbekeptinnosegaysfornothing,onapplicationtothewriterhereof.ItisnotdeniedthatontheterraceoftheAdelphi,orinanyofthestreetsofthatsubterranean-stable-hauntedspot,oraboutBedford-row,orJames-streetofthatilk(agrewsomeplace),oranywhereamongtheneighbourhoodsthathavedonefloweringandhaveruntoseed,youmayfindChambersrepletewiththeaccommodationsofSolitude,Closeness,andDarkness,whereyoumaybeaslow-spiritedasinthegenuinearticle,andmightbeaseasilymurdered,withtheplacidreputationofhavingmerelygonedowntothesea-side.But,themanywatersoflifedidrunmusicalinthosedrychannelsonce;—amongtheInns,never.TheonlypopularlegendknowninrelationtoanyoneofthedullfamilyofInns,isadarkOldBaileywhisperconcerningClement’s,andimportinghowtheblackcreaturewhoholdsthesun-dialthere,wasanegrowhoslewhismasterandbuiltthedismalpileoutofthecontentsofhisstrongbox—forwhicharchitecturaloffencealoneheoughttohavebeencondemnedtoliveinit.But,whatpopulacewouldwastefancyuponsuchaplace,oronNewInn,StapleInn,Barnard’sInn,oranyoftheshabbycrew?

Thegenuinelaundress,too,isaninstitutionnottobehadinitsentiretyoutofandawayfromthegenuineChambers.Again,itisnotdeniedthatyoumayberobbedelsewhere.Elsewhereyoumayhave—formoney—dishonesty,drunkenness,dirt,laziness,andprofoundincapacity.Buttheveritableshining-red-facedshamelesslaundress;thetrueMrs.Sweeney—infigure,colour,texture,andsmell,liketheolddampfamilyumbrella;thetip-topcomplicatedabominationofstockings,spirits,bonnet,limpness,looseness,andlarceny;isonlytobedrawnatthefountain-head.Mrs.Sweeneyisbeyondthereachofindividualart.Itrequirestheunitedeffortsofseveralmentoensurethatgreatresult,anditisonlydevelopedinperfectionunderanHonourableSocietyandinanInnofCourt.

XVNURSE’SSTORIES

THEREarenotmanyplacesthatIfinditmoreagreeabletorevisitwhenIaminanidlemood,thansomeplacestowhichIhaveneverbeen.For,myacquaintancewiththosespotsisofsuchlongstanding,andhasripenedintoanintimacyofsoaffectionateanature,thatItakeaparticularinterestinassuringmyselfthattheyareunchanged.

IneverwasinRobinsonCrusoe’sIsland,yetIfrequentlyreturnthere.Thecolonyheestablishedonitsoonfadedaway,anditisuninhabitedbyanydescendantsofthegraveandcourteousSpaniards,orofWillAtkinsandtheothermutineers,andhasrelapsedintoitsoriginalcondition.Notatwigofitswickerhousesremains,itsgoatshavelongrunwildagain,itsscreamingparrotswoulddarkenthesunwithacloudofmanyflamingcoloursifagunwerefiredthere,nofaceiseverreflectedinthewatersofthelittlecreekwhichFridayswamacrosswhenpursuedbyhistwobrothercannibalswithsharpenedstomachs.AftercomparingnoteswithothertravellerswhohavesimilarlyrevisitedtheIslandandconscientiouslyinspectedit,IhavesatisfiedmyselfthatitcontainsnovestigeofMr.Atkins’sdomesticityortheology,thoughhistrackonthememorableeveningofhislandingtosethiscaptainashore,whenhewasdecoyedaboutandroundaboutuntilitwasdark,andhisboatwasstove,andhisstrengthandspiritsfailedhim,isyetplainlytobetraced.Soisthehill-toponwhichRobinsonwasstruckdumbwithjoywhenthereinstatedcaptainpointedtotheship,ridingwithinhalfamileoftheshore,thatwastobearhimaway,inthenine-and-twentiethyearofhisseclusioninthatlonelyplace.Soisthesandybeachonwhichthememorablefootstepwasimpressed,andwherethesavageshauleduptheircanoeswhentheycameashoreforthosedreadfulpublicdinners,whichledtoadancingworsethanspeech-making.Soisthecavewheretheflaringeyesoftheoldgoatmadesuchagoblinappearanceinthedark.SoisthesiteofthehutwhereRobinsonlivedwiththedogandtheparrotandthecat,andwhereheenduredthosefirstagoniesofsolitude,which—strangetosay—neverinvolvedanyghostlyfancies;acircumstancesoveryremarkable,thatperhapsheleftoutsomethinginwritinghisrecord?Roundhundredsofsuchobjects,hiddeninthedensetropicalfoliage,thetropicalseabreaksevermore;andoverthemthetropicalsky,savingintheshortrainyseason,shinesbrightandcloudless.

Neither,wasIeverbelatedamongwolves,onthebordersofFranceandSpain;nor,didIever,whennightwasclosinginandthegroundwascoveredwithsnow,drawupmylittlecompanyamongsomefelledtreeswhichservedasabreastwork,andtherefireatrainofgunpowdersodexterouslythatsuddenlywehadthreeorfourscoreblazingwolvesilluminatingthedarknessaroundus.Nevertheless,Ioccasionallygobacktothatdismalregionandperformthefeatagain;whenindeedtosmellthesingeingandthefryingofthewolvesafire,andtoseethemsettingoneanotheralightastheyrushandtumble,andtobeholdthemrollinginthesnowvainlyattemptingtoputthemselvesout,andtoheartheirhowlingstakenupbyalltheechoesaswellasbyalltheunseenwolveswithinthewoods,makesmetremble.

Iwasneverintherobbers’cave,whereGilBlaslived,butIoftengobackthereandfindthetrap-doorjustasheavytoraiseasitusedtobe,whilethatwickedolddisabledBlacklieseverlastinglycursinginbed.IwasneverinDonQuixote’sstudy,wherehereadhisbooksofchivalryuntilheroseandhackedatimaginarygiants,andthenrefreshedhimselfwithgreatdraughtsofwater,yetyoucouldn’tmoveabookinitwithoutmyknowledge,orwithmyconsent.Iwasnever(thankHeaven)incompanywiththelittleoldwomanwhohobbledoutofthechestandtoldthemerchantAbudahtogoinsearchoftheTalismanofOromanes,yetImakeitmybusinesstoknowthatsheiswellpreservedandasintolerableasever.IwasneverattheschoolwheretheboyHoratioNelsongotoutofbedtostealthepears:notbecausehewantedany,butbecauseeveryotherboywasafraid:yetIhaveseveraltimesbeenbacktothisAcademy,toseehimletdownoutofwindowwithasheet.SowithDamascus,andBagdad,andBrobingnag(whichhasthecuriousfateofbeingusuallymisspeltwhenwritten),andLilliput,andLaputa,andtheNile,andAbyssinia,andtheGanges,andtheNorthPole,andmanyhundredsofplaces—Iwasneveratthem,yetitisanaffairofmylifetokeepthemintact,andIamalwaysgoingbacktothem.

But,whenIwasinDullboroughoneday,revisitingtheassociationsofmychildhoodasrecordedinpreviouspagesofthesenotes,myexperienceinthiswisewasmadequiteinconsiderableandofnoaccount,bythequantityofplacesandpeople—utterlyimpossibleplacesandpeople,butnonethelessalarminglyreal—thatIfoundIhadbeenintroducedtobymynursebeforeIwassixyearsold,andusedtobeforcedtogobacktoatnightwithoutatallwantingtogo.Ifweallknewourownminds(inamoreenlargedsensethanthepopularacceptationofthatphrase),Isuspectweshouldfindournursesresponsibleformostofthedarkcornersweareforcedtogobackto,againstourwills.

Thefirstdiabolicalcharacterwhointrudedhimselfonmypeacefulyouth(asIcalledtomindthatdayatDullborough),wasacertainCaptainMurderer.Thiswretchmusthavebeenanoff-shootoftheBlueBeardfamily,butIhadnosuspicionoftheconsanguinityinthosetimes.Hiswarningnamewouldseemtohaveawakenednogeneralprejudiceagainsthim,forhewasadmittedintothebestsocietyandpossessedimmensewealth.CaptainMurderer’smissionwasmatrimony,andthegratificationofacannibalappetitewithtenderbrides.Onhismarriagemorning,healwayscausedbothsidesofthewaytochurchtobeplantedwithcuriousflowers;andwhenhisbridesaid,‘DearCaptainMurderer,Ieversawflowerslikethesebefore:whataretheycalled?’heanswered,‘TheyarecalledGarnishforhouse-lamb,’andlaughedathisferociouspracticaljokeinahorridmanner,disquietingthemindsofthenoblebridalcompany,withaverysharpshowofteeth,thendisplayedforthefirsttime.Hemadeloveinacoachandsix,andmarriedinacoachandtwelve,andallhishorsesweremilk-whitehorseswithoneredspotonthebackwhichhecausedtobehiddenbytheharness.For,thespotwouldcomethere,thougheveryhorsewasmilk-whitewhenCaptainMurdererboughthim.Andthespotwasyoungbride’sblood.(TothisterrificpointIamindebtedformyfirstpersonalexperienceofashudderandcoldbeadsontheforehead.)WhenCaptainMurdererhadmadeanendoffeastingandrevelry,andhaddismissedthenobleguests,andwasalonewithhiswifeonthedaymonthaftertheirmarriage,itwashiswhimsicalcustomtoproduceagoldenrolling-pinandasilverpie-board.Now,therewasthisspecialfeatureintheCaptain’scourtships,thathealwaysaskediftheyoungladycouldmakepie-crust;andifshecouldn’tbynatureoreducation,shewastaught.Well.WhenthebridesawCaptain

Murdererproducethegoldenrolling-pinandsilverpie-board,sherememberedthis,andturnedupherlaced-silksleevestomakeapie.TheCaptainbroughtoutasilverpie-dishofimmensecapacity,andtheCaptainbroughtoutflourandbutterandeggsandallthingsneedful,excepttheinsideofthepie;ofmaterialsforthestapleofthepieitself,theCaptainbroughtoutnone.Thensaidthelovelybride,‘DearCaptainMurderer,whatpieisthistobe?’Hereplied,‘Ameatpie.’Thensaidthelovelybride,‘DearCaptainMurderer,Iseenomeat.’TheCaptainhumorouslyretorted,‘Lookintheglass.’Shelookedintheglass,butstillshesawnomeat,andthentheCaptainroaredwithlaughter,andsuddenlyfrowninganddrawinghissword,badeherrolloutthecrust.Sosherolledoutthecrust,droppinglargetearsuponitallthetimebecausehewassocross,andwhenshehadlinedthedishwithcrustandhadcutthecrustallreadytofitthetop,theCaptaincalledout,‘Iseethemeatintheglass!’Andthebridelookedupattheglass,justintimetoseetheCaptaincuttingherheadoff;andhechoppedherinpieces,andpepperedher,andsaltedher,andputherinthepie,andsentittothebaker’s,andateitall,andpickedthebones.

CaptainMurdererwentoninthisway,prosperingexceedingly,untilhecametochooseabridefromtwotwinsisters,andatfirstdidn’tknowwhichtochoose.For,thoughonewasfairandtheotherdark,theywerebothequallybeautiful.Butthefairtwinlovedhim,andthedarktwinhatedhim,sohechosethefairone.Thedarktwinwouldhavepreventedthemarriageifshecould,butshecouldn’t;however,onthenightbeforeit,muchsuspectingCaptainMurderer,shestoleoutandclimbedhisgardenwall,andlookedinathiswindowthroughachinkintheshutter,andsawhimhavinghisteethfiledsharp.Nextdayshelistenedallday,andheardhimmakehisjokeaboutthehouse-lamb.Andthatdaymonth,hehadthepasterolledout,andcutthefairtwin’sheadoff,andchoppedherinpieces,andpepperedher,andsaltedher,andputherinthepie,andsentittothebaker’s,andateitall,andpickedthebones.

Now,thedarktwinhadhadhersuspicionsmuchincreasedbythefilingoftheCaptain’steeth,andagainbythehouse-lambjoke.Puttingallthingstogetherwhenhegaveoutthathersisterwasdead,shedivinedthetruth,anddeterminedtoberevenged.So,shewentuptoCaptainMurderer’shouse,andknockedattheknockerandpulledatthebell,andwhentheCaptaincametothedoor,said:‘DearCaptainMurderer,marrymenext,forIalwayslovedyouandwasjealousofmysister.’TheCaptaintookitasacompliment,andmadeapoliteanswer,andthemarriagewasquicklyarranged.Onthenightbeforeit,thebrideagainclimbedtohiswindow,andagainsawhimhavinghisteethfiledsharp.Atthissightshelaughedsuchaterriblelaughatthechinkintheshutter,thattheCaptain’sbloodcurdled,andhesaid:‘Ihopenothinghasdisagreedwithme!’Atthat,shelaughedagain,astillmoreterriblelaugh,andtheshutterwasopenedandsearchmade,butshewasnimblygone,andtherewasnoone.Nextdaytheywenttochurchinacoachandtwelve,andweremarried.Andthatdaymonth,sherolledthepie-crustout,andCaptainMurderercutherheadoff,andchoppedherinpieces,andpepperedher,andsaltedher,andputherinthepie,andsentittothebaker’s,andateitall,andpickedthebones.

Butbeforeshebegantorolloutthepasteshehadtakenadeadlypoisonofamostawfulcharacter,distilledfromtoads’eyesandspiders’knees;andCaptainMurdererhadhardlypickedherlastbone,whenhebegantoswell,andtoturnblue,andtobealloverspots,andtoscream.Andhewentonswellingandturningbluer,andbeingmorealloverspotsandscreaming,untilhereachedfromfloortoceilingandfromwalltowall;andthen,at

oneo’clockinthemorning,heblewupwithaloudexplosion.Atthesoundofit,allthemilk-whitehorsesinthestablesbroketheirhaltersandwentmad,andthentheygallopedovereverybodyinCaptainMurderer’shouse(beginningwiththefamilyblacksmithwhohadfiledhisteeth)untilthewholeweredead,andthentheygallopedaway.

HundredsoftimesdidIhearthislegendofCaptainMurderer,inmyearlyyouth,andaddedhundredsoftimeswasthereamentalcompulsionuponmeinbed,topeepinathiswindowasthedarktwinpeeped,andtorevisithishorriblehouse,andlookathiminhisblueandspottyandscreamingstage,ashereachedfromfloortoceilingandfromwalltowall.TheyoungwomanwhobroughtmeacquaintedwithCaptainMurdererhadafiendishenjoymentofmyterrors,andusedtobegin,Iremember—asasortofintroductoryoverture—byclawingtheairwithbothhands,andutteringalonglowhollowgroan.SoacutelydidIsufferfromthisceremonyincombinationwiththisinfernalCaptain,thatIsometimesusedtopleadIthoughtIwashardlystrongenoughandoldenoughtohearthestoryagainjustyet.But,sheneversparedmeonewordofit,andindeedcommandedtheawfulchalicetomylipsastheonlypreservativeknowntoscienceagainst‘TheBlackCat’—aweirdandglaring-eyedsupernaturalTom,whowasreputedtoprowlabouttheworldbynight,suckingthebreathofinfancy,andwhowasendowedwithaspecialthirst(asIwasgiventounderstand)formine.

Thisfemalebard—mayshehavebeenrepaidmydebtofobligationtoherinthematterofnightmaresandperspirations!—reappearsinmymemoryasthedaughterofashipwright.HernamewasMercy,thoughshehadnoneonme.Therewassomethingofashipbuildingflavourinthefollowingstory.Asitalwaysrecurstomeinavagueassociationwithcalomelpills,IbelieveittohavebeenreservedfordullnightswhenIwaslowwithmedicine.

Therewasonceashipwright,andhewroughtinaGovernmentYard,andhisnamewasChips.Andhisfather’snamebeforehimwasChips,andhisfather’snamebeforehimwasChips,andtheywereallChipses.AndChipsthefatherhadsoldhimselftotheDevilforanironpotandabusheloftenpennynailsandhalfatonofcopperandaratthatcouldspeak;andChipsthegrandfatherhadsoldhimselftotheDevilforanironpotandabusheloftenpennynailsandhalfatonofcopperandaratthatcouldspeak;andChipsthegreat-grandfatherhaddisposedofhimselfinthesamedirectiononthesameterms;andthebargainhadruninthefamilyforalong,longtime.So,oneday,whenyoungChipswasatworkintheDockSlipallalone,downinthedarkholdofanoldSeventy-fourthatwashaledupforrepairs,theDevilpresentedhimself,andremarked:

‘ALemonhaspips,AndaYardhasships,AndI’llhaveChips!’

(Idon’tknowwhy,butthisfactoftheDevil’sexpressinghimselfinrhymewaspeculiarlytryingtome.)Chipslookedupwhenheheardthewords,andtherehesawtheDevilwithsaucereyesthatsquintedonaterriblegreatscale,andthatstruckoutsparksofbluefirecontinually.Andwheneverhewinkedhiseyes,showersofbluesparkscameout,andhiseyelashesmadeaclatteringlikeflintsandsteelsstrikinglights.Andhangingoveroneofhisarmsbythehandlewasanironpot,andunderthatarmwasabusheloftenpennynails,

andunderhisotherarmwashalfatonofcopper,andsittingononeofhisshoulderswasaratthatcouldspeak.So,theDevilsaidagain:

‘ALemonhaspips,AndaYardhasships,AndI’llhaveChips!’

(TheinvariableeffectofthisalarmingtautologyonthepartoftheEvilSpiritwastodeprivemeofmysensesforsomemoments.)So,Chipsansweredneveraword,butwentonwithhiswork.‘Whatareyoudoing,Chips?’saidtheratthatcouldspeak.‘Iamputtinginnewplankswhereyouandyourganghaveeatenoldaway,’saidChips.‘Butwe’lleatthemtoo,’saidtheratthatcouldspeak;‘andwe’llletinthewateranddrownthecrew,andwe’lleatthemtoo.’Chips,beingonlyashipwright,andnotaMan-of-war’sman,said,‘Youarewelcometoit.’Buthecouldn’tkeephiseyesoffthehalfatonofcopperorthebusheloftenpennynails;fornailsandcopperareashipwright’ssweethearts,andshipwrightswillrunawaywiththemwhenevertheycan.So,theDevilsaid,‘Iseewhatyouarelookingat,Chips.Youhadbetterstrikethebargain.Youknowtheterms.Yourfatherbeforeyouwaswellacquaintedwiththem,andsowereyourgrandfatherandgreat-grandfatherbeforehim.’SaysChips,‘Ilikethecopper,andIlikethenails,andIdon’tmindthepot,butIdon’tliketherat.’SaystheDevil,fiercely,‘Youcan’thavethemetalwithouthim—andhe’sacuriosity.I’mgoing.’Chips,afraidoflosingthehalfatonofcopperandthebushelofnails,thensaid,‘Giveushold!’So,hegotthecopperandthenailsandthepotandtheratthatcouldspeak,andtheDevilvanished.Chipssoldthecopper,andhesoldthenails,andhewouldhavesoldthepot;butwheneverheoffereditforsale,theratwasinit,andthedealersdroppedit,andwouldhavenothingtosaytothebargain.So,Chipsresolvedtokilltherat,and,beingatworkintheYardonedaywithagreatkettleofhotpitchononesideofhimandtheironpotwiththeratinitontheother,heturnedthescaldingpitchintothepot,andfilleditfull.Then,hekepthiseyeuponittillitcooledandhardened,andthenheletitstandfortwentydays,andthenheheatedthepitchagainandturneditbackintothekettle,andthenhesankthepotinwaterfortwentydaysmore,andthenhegotthesmelterstoputitinthefurnacefortwentydaysmore,andthentheygaveithimout,redhot,andlookinglikered-hotglassinsteadofiron-yettherewastheratinit,justthesameasever!Andthemomentitcaughthiseye,itsaidwithajeer:

‘ALemonhaspips,AndaYardhasships,AndI’llhaveChips!’

(ForthisRefrainIhadwaitedsinceitslastappearance,withinexpressiblehorror,whichnowculminated.)Chipsnowfeltcertaininhisownmindthattheratwouldsticktohim;therat,answeringhisthought,said,‘Iwill—likepitch!’

Now,astheratleapedoutofthepotwhenithadspoken,andmadeoff,Chipsbegantohopethatitwouldn’tkeepitsword.But,aterriblethinghappenednextday.For,whendinner-timecame,andtheDock-bellrangtostrikework,heputhisruleintothelongpocketatthesideofhistrousers,andtherehefoundarat—notthatrat,butanotherrat.

Andinhishat,hefoundanother;andinhispocket-handkerchief,another;andinthesleevesofhiscoat,whenhepulleditontogotodinner,twomore.AndfromthattimehefoundhimselfsofrightfullyintimatewithalltheratsintheYard,thattheyclimbeduphislegswhenhewasatwork,andsatonhistoolswhileheusedthem.Andtheycouldallspeaktooneanother,andheunderstoodwhattheysaid.Andtheygotintohislodging,andintohisbed,andintohisteapot,andintohisbeer,andintohisboots.Andhewasgoingtobemarriedtoacorn-chandler’sdaughter;andwhenhegaveheraworkboxhehadhimselfmadeforher,aratjumpedoutofit;andwhenheputhisarmroundherwaist,aratclungabouther;sothemarriagewasbrokenoff,thoughthebannswerealreadytwiceputup—whichtheparishclerkwellremembers,for,ashehandedthebooktotheclergymanforthesecondtimeofasking,alargefatratranovertheleaf.(Bythistimeaspecialcascadeofratswasrollingdownmyback,andthewholeofmysmalllisteningpersonwasoverrunwiththem.Atintervalseversince,Ihavebeenmorbidlyafraidofmyownpocket,lestmyexploringhandshouldfindaspecimenortwoofthosevermininit.)

YoumaybelievethatallthiswasveryterribletoChips;butevenallthiswasnottheworst.Heknewbesides,whattheratsweredoing,wherevertheywere.So,sometimeshewouldcryaloud,whenhewasathisclubatnight,‘Oh!Keeptheratsoutoftheconvicts’burying-ground!Don’tletthemdothat!’Or,‘There’soneofthematthecheesedown-stairs!’Or,‘There’stwoofthemsmellingatthebabyinthegarret!’Or,otherthingsofthatsort.Atlast,hewasvotedmad,andlosthisworkintheYard,andcouldgetnootherwork.But,KingGeorgewantedmen,sobeforeverylonghegotpressedforasailor.Andsohewastakenoffinaboatoneeveningtohisship,lyingatSpithead,readytosail.Andsothefirstthinghemadeoutinherashegotnearher,wasthefigure-headoftheoldSeventy-four,wherehehadseentheDevil.ShewascalledtheArgonaut,andtheyrowedrightunderthebowspritwherethefigure-headoftheArgonaut,withasheepskininhishandandabluegownon,waslookingouttosea;andsittingstaringonhisforeheadwastheratwhocouldspeak,andhisexactwordswerethese:‘Chipsahoy!Oldboy!We’veprettywelleatthemtoo,andwe’lldrownthecrew,andwilleatthemtoo!’(HereIalwaysbecameexceedinglyfaint,andwouldhaveaskedforwater,butthatIwasspeechless.)

TheshipwasboundfortheIndies;andifyoudon’tknowwherethatis,yououghttoit,andangelswillneverloveyou.(HereIfeltmyselfanoutcastfromafuturestate.)Theshipsetsailthatverynight,andshesailed,andsailed,andsailed.Chips’sfeelingsweredreadful.Nothingeverequalledhisterrors.Nowonder.Atlast,onedayheaskedleavetospeaktotheAdmiral.TheAdmiralgiv’leave.ChipswentdownonhiskneesintheGreatStateCabin.‘YourHonour,unlessyourHonour,withoutamoment’slossoftime,makessailforthenearestshore,thisisadoomedship,andhernameistheCoffin!’‘Youngman,yourwordsareamadman’swords.’‘YourHonourno;theyarenibblingusaway.’‘They?’‘YourHonour,themdreadfulrats.Dustandhollownesswheresolidoakoughttobe!Ratsnibblingagraveforeverymanonboard!Oh!DoesyourHonourloveyourLadyandyourprettychildren?’‘Yes,myman,tobesure.’‘Then,forGod’ssake,makeforthenearestshore,foratthispresentmomenttheratsareallstoppingintheirwork,andarealllookingstraighttowardsyouwithbareteeth,andareallsayingtooneanotherthatyoushallnever,never,never,never,seeyourLadyandyourchildrenmore.’‘Mypoorfellow,youareacaseforthedoctor.Sentry,takecareofthisman!’

So,hewasbledandhewasblistered,andhewasthisandthat,forsixwholedaysandnights.So,thenheagainaskedleavetospeaktotheAdmiral.TheAdmiralgiv’leave.HewentdownonhiskneesintheGreatStateCabin.‘Now,Admiral,youmustdie!Youtooknowarning;youmustdie!Theratsareneverwrongintheircalculations,andtheymakeoutthatthey’llbethrough,attwelveto-night.So,youmustdie!—Withmeandalltherest!’Andsoattwelveo’clocktherewasagreatleakreportedintheship,andatorrentofwaterrushedinandnothingcouldstopit,andtheyallwentdown,everylivingsoul.Andwhattherats—beingwater-rats—leftofChips,atlastfloatedtoshore,andsittingonhimwasanimmenseovergrownrat,laughing,thatdivedwhenthecorpsetouchedthebeachandnevercameup.Andtherewasadealofseaweedontheremains.Andifyougetthirteenbitsofseaweed,anddrythemandburntheminthefire,theywillgoofflikeinthesethirteenwordsasplainasplaincanbe:

‘ALemonhaspips,AndaYardhasships,

AndI’vegotChips!’

Thesamefemalebard—descended,possibly,fromthoseterribleoldScaldswhoseemtohaveexistedfortheexpresspurposeofaddlingthebrainsofmankindwhentheybegintoinvestigatelanguages—madeastandingpretencewhichgreatlyassistedinforcingmebacktoanumberofhideousplacesthatIwouldbyallmeanshaveavoided.Thispretencewas,thatallherghoststorieshadoccurredtoherownrelations.Politenesstowardsameritoriousfamily,therefore,forbademydoubtingthem,andtheyacquiredanairofauthenticationthatimpairedmydigestivepowersforlife.Therewasanarrativeconcerninganunearthlyanimalforebodingdeath,whichappearedintheopenstreettoaparlour-maidwho‘wenttofetchthebeer’forsupper:first(asInowrecallit)assumingthelikenessofablackdog,andgraduallyrisingonitshind-legsandswellingintothesemblanceofsomequadrupedgreatlysurpassingahippopotamus:whichapparition—notbecauseIdeemeditintheleastimprobable,butbecauseIfeltittobereallytoolargetobear—Ifeeblyendeavouredtoexplainaway.But,onMercy’sretortingwithwoundeddignitythattheparlour-maidwasherownsister-in-law,Iperceivedtherewasnohope,andresignedmyselftothiszoologicalphenomenonasoneofmymanypursuers.Therewasanothernarrativedescribingtheapparitionofayoungwomanwhocameoutofaglass-caseandhauntedanotheryoungwomanuntiltheotheryoungwomanquestioneditandelicitedthatitsbones(Lord!Tothinkofitsbeingsoparticularaboutitsbones!)wereburiedundertheglass-case,whereassherequiredthemtobeinterred,witheveryUndertakingsolemnityuptotwenty-fourpoundten,inanotherparticularplace.ThisnarrativeIconsidered—Ihadapersonalinterestindisproving,becausewehadglass-casesathome,andhow,otherwise,wasItobeguaranteedfromtheintrusionofyoungwomenrequiringmetoburythemuptotwenty-fourpoundten,whenIhadonlytwopenceaweek?Butmyremorselessnursecutthegroundfromundermytenderfeet,byinformingmethatShewastheotheryoungwoman;andIcouldn’tsay‘Idon’tbelieveyou;’itwasnotpossible.

SuchareafewoftheuncommercialjourneysthatIwasforcedtomake,againstmywill,whenIwasveryyoungandunreasoning.Andreally,astothelatterpartofthem,itisnotsoverylongago—nowIcometothinkofit—thatIwasaskedtoundertakethemonceagain,withasteadycountenance.

XVIARCADIANLONDON

BEINGinahumourforcompletesolitudeanduninterruptedmeditationthisautumn,IhavetakenalodgingforsixweeksinthemostunfrequentedpartofEngland—inaword,inLondon.

TheretreatintowhichIhavewithdrawnmyself,isBond-street.FromthislonelyspotImakepilgrimagesintothesurroundingwilderness,andtraverseextensivetractsoftheGreatDesert.Thefirstsolemnfeelingofisolationovercome,thefirstoppressiveconsciousnessofprofoundretirementconquered,Ienjoythatsenseoffreedom,andfeelrevivingwithinmethatlatentwildnessoftheoriginalsavage,whichhasbeen(uponthewholesomewhatfrequently)noticedbyTravellers.

Mylodgingsareatahatter’s—myownhatter’s.Afterexhibitingnoarticlesinhiswindowforsomeweeks,butsea-sidewide-awakes,shooting-caps,andachoiceofroughwaterproofhead-gearforthemoorsandmountains,hehasputupontheheadsofhisfamilyasmuchofthisstockastheycouldcarry,andhastakenthemofftotheIsleofThanet.Hisyoungmanaloneremains—andremainsaloneintheshop.Theyoungmanhasletoutthefireatwhichtheironsareheated,and,savinghisstrongsenseofduty,Iseenoreasonwhyheshouldtaketheshuttersdown.

HappilyforhimselfandforhiscountrytheyoungmanisaVolunteer;mosthappilyforhimself,orIthinkhewouldbecomethepreyofasettledmelancholy.For,tolivesurroundedbyhumanhats,andalienatedfromhumanheadstofitthemon,issurelyagreatendurance.But,theyoungman,sustainedbypractisinghisexercise,andbyconstantlyfurbishinguphisregulationplume(itisunnecessarytoobservethat,asahatter,heisinacock’s-feathercorps),isresigned,anduncomplaining.OnaSaturday,whenheclosesearlyandgetshisKnickerbockerson,heisevencheerful.Iamgratefullyparticularinthisreferencetohim,becauseheismycompanionthroughmanypeacefulhours.

Myhatterhasadeskupcertainstepsbehindhiscounter,enclosedliketheclerk’sdeskatChurch.Ishutmyselfintothisplaceofseclusion,afterbreakfast,andmeditate.Atsuchtimes,Iobservetheyoungmanloadinganimaginaryriflewiththegreatestprecision,andmaintainingamostgallinganddestructivefireuponthenationalenemy.Ithankhimpubliclyforhiscompanionshipandhispatriotism.

Thesimplecharacterofmylife,andthecalmnatureofthescenesbywhichIamsurrounded,occasionmetoriseearly.Igoforthinmyslippers,andpromenadethepavement.Itispastoraltofeelthefreshnessoftheairintheuninhabitedtown,andtoappreciatetheshepherdesscharacterofthefewmilkwomenwhopurveysolittlemilkthatitwouldbeworthnobody’swhiletoadulterateit,ifanybodywerelefttoundertakethetask.Onthecrowdedsea-shore,thegreatdemandformilk,combinedwiththestronglocaltemptationofchalk,wouldbetrayitselfintheloweredqualityofthearticle.InArcadianLondonIderiveitfromthecow.

TheArcadiansimplicityofthemetropolisaltogether,andtheprimitivewaysintowhichithasfalleninthisautumnalGoldenAge,makeitentirelynewtome.Withinafewhundredyardsofmyretreat,isthehouseofafriendwhomaintainsamostsumptuousbutler.Inever,untilyesterday,sawthatbutleroutofsuperfineblackbroadcloth.Untilyesterday,Ineversawhimoffduty,neversawhim(heisthebestofbutlers)withtheappearanceofhavinganymindforanythingbutthegloryofhismasterandhismaster’sfriends.Yesterdaymorning,walkinginmyslippersnearthehouseofwhichheisthepropandornament—ahousenowawasteofshutters—Iencounteredthatbutler,alsoinhisslippers,andinashootingsuitofonecolour,andinalow-crownedstraw-hat,smokinganearlycigar.Hefeltthatwehadformerlymetinanotherstateofexistence,andthatweweretranslatedintoanewsphere.Wiselyandwell,hepassedmewithoutrecognition.Underhisarmhecarriedthemorningpaper,andshortlyafterwardsIsawhimsittingonarailinthepleasantopenlandscapeofRegent-street,perusingitathiseaseundertheripeningsun.

Mylandlordhavingtakenhiswholeestablishmenttobesalteddown,Iamwaitedonbyanelderlywomanlabouringunderachronicsniff,who,attheshadowyhourofhalf-pastnineo’clockofeveryevening,givesadmittanceatthestreetdoortoameagreandmouldyoldmanwhomIhaveneveryetseendetachedfromaflatpintofbeerinapewterpot.Themeagreandmouldyoldmanisherhusband,andthepairhaveadejectedconsciousnessthattheyarenotjustifiedinappearingonthesurfaceoftheearth.TheycomeoutofsomeholewhenLondonemptiesitself,andgoinagainwhenitfills.IsawthemarriveontheeveningwhenImyselftookpossession,andtheyarrivedwiththeflatpintofbeer,andtheirbedinabundle.Theoldmanisaweakoldman,andappearedtometogetthebeddownthekitchenstairsbytumblingdownwithanduponit.Theymaketheirbedinthelowestandremotestcornerofthebasement,andtheysmellofbed,andhavenopossessionbutbed:unlessitbe(whichIratherinferfromanunder-currentofflavourinthem)cheese.Iknowtheirname,throughthechanceofhavingcalledthewife’sattention,athalf-pastnineonthesecondeveningofouracquaintance,tothecircumstanceoftherebeingsomeoneatthehousedoor;whensheapologeticallyexplained,‘It’sonlyMr.Klem.’WhatbecomesofMr.Klemallday,orwhenhegoesout,orwhy,isamysteryIcannotpenetrate;butathalf-pastnineheneverfailstoturnuponthedoor-stepwiththeflatpintofbeer.Andthepintofbeer,flatasitis,issomuchmoreimportantthanhimself,thatitalwaysseemstomyfancyasifithadfoundhimdrivellinginthestreetandhadhumanelybroughthimhome.Inmakinghiswaybelow,Mr.Klemnevergoesdownthemiddleofthepassage,likeanotherChristian,butshufflesagainstthewallasifentreatingmetotakenoticethatheisoccupyingaslittlespaceaspossibleinthehouse;andwheneverIcomeuponhimfacetoface,hebacksfrommeinfascinatedconfusion.ThemostextraordinarycircumstanceIhavetracedinconnexionwiththisagedcouple,is,thatthereisaMissKlem,theirdaughter,apparentlytenyearsolderthaneitherofthem,whohasalsoabedandsmellsofit,andcarriesitabouttheearthatduskandhidesitindesertedhouses.IcameintothispieceofknowledgethroughMrs.Klem’sbeseechingmetosanctiontheshelteringofMissKlemunderthatroofforasinglenight,‘betweenhertakin’careoftheupperpartinPallMallwhichthefamilyofhisback,anda’ouseinSerjameses-street,whichthefamilyofleavestowngter-morrer.’Igavemygraciousconsent(havingnothingthatIknowoftodowithit),andintheshadowyhoursMissKlembecameperceptibleonthedoor-step,wrestlingwithabedinabundle.Whereshe

madeitupforthenightIcannotpositivelystate,but,Ithink,inasink.Iknowthatwiththeinstinctofareptileoraninsect,shestoweditandherselfawayindeepobscurity.IntheKlemfamily,Ihavenoticedanotherremarkablegiftofnature,andthatisapowertheypossessofconvertingeverythingintoflue.Suchbrokenvictualsastheytakebystealth,appear(whateverthenatureoftheviands)invariablytogenerateflue;andeventhenightlypintofbeer,insteadofassimilatingnaturally,strikesmeasbreakingoutinthatform,equallyontheshabbygownofMrs.Klem,andthethreadbarecoatofherhusband.

Mrs.Klemhasnoideaofmyname—astoMr.Klemhehasnoideaofanything—andonlyknowsmeashergoodgentleman.Thus,ifdoubtfulwhetherIaminmyroomorno,Mrs.Klemtapsatthedoorandsays,‘Ismygoodgentlemanhere?’Or,ifamessengerdesiringtoseemewereconsistentwithmysolitude,shewouldshowhiminwith‘Hereismygoodgentleman.’Ifindthistobeagenericcustom.For,Imeanttohaveobservedbeforenow,thatinitsArcadiantimeallmypartofLondonisindistinctlypervadedbytheKlemspecies.Theycreepaboutwithbeds,andgotobedinmilesofdesertedhouses.Theyholdnocompanionshipexceptthatsometimes,afterdark,twoofthemwillemergefromoppositehouses,andmeetinthemiddleoftheroadasonneutralground,orwillpeepfromadjoininghousesoveraninterposingbarrierofarearailings,andcompareafewreservedmistrustfulnotesrespectingtheirgoodladiesorgoodgentlemen.ThisIhavediscoveredinthecourseofvarioussolitaryramblesIhavetakenNorthwardfrommyretirement,alongtheawfulperspectivesofWimpole-street,Harley-street,andsimilarfrowningregions.Theireffectwouldbescarcelydistinguishablefromthatoftheprimevalforests,butfortheKlemstragglers;thesemaybedimlyobserved,whentheheavyshadowsfall,flittingtoandfro,puttingupthedoor-chain,takinginthepintofbeer,loweringlikephantomsatthedarkparlourwindows,orsecretlyconsortingundergroundwiththedust-binandthewater-cistern.

IntheBurlingtonArcade,Iobserve,withpeculiarpleasure,aprimitivestateofmannerstohavesupersededthebanefulinfluencesofultracivilisation.Nothingcansurpasstheinnocenceoftheladies’shoe-shops,theartificial-flowerrepositories,andthehead-dressdepots.Theyareinstrangehandsatthistimeofyear—handsofunaccustomedpersons,whoareimperfectlyacquaintedwiththepricesofthegoods,andcontemplatethemwithunsophisticateddelightandwonder.ThechildrenofthesevirtuouspeopleexchangefamiliaritiesintheArcade,andtempertheasperityofthetwotallbeadles.Theiryouthfulprattleblendsinanunwontedmannerwiththeharmoniousshadeofthescene,andthegeneraleffectis,asofthevoicesofbirdsinagrove.Inthishappyrestorationofthegoldentime,ithasbeenmyprivilegeeventoseethebiggerbeadle’swife.Shebroughthimhisdinnerinabasin,andheateitinhisarm-chair,andafterwardsfellasleeplikeasatiatedchild.AtMr.Truefitt’s,theexcellenthairdresser’s,theyarelearningFrenchtobeguilethetime;andeventhefewsolitariesleftonguardatMr.Atkinson’s,theperfumer’sroundthecorner(generallythemostinexorablegentlemaninLondon,andthemostscornfulofthree-and-sixpence),condescendalittle,astheydrowsilybideorrecalltheirturnforchasingtheebbingNeptuneontheribbedsea-sand.FromMessrs.HuntandRoskell’s,thejewellers,allthingsareabsentbutthepreciousstones,andthegoldandsilver,andthesoldierlypensioneratthedoorwithhisdecoratedbreast.Imightstandnightanddayforamonthtocome,inSaville-row,withmytongueout,yetnotfindadoctortolookatitforloveormoney.Thedentists’instrumentsarerustingintheir

drawers,andtheirhorriblecoolparlours,wherepeoplepretendtoreadtheEvery-DayBookandnottobeafraid,aredoingpenancefortheirgrimnessinwhitesheets.Thelight-weightofshrewdappearance,withoneeyealwaysshutup,asifhewereeatingasharpgooseberryinallseasons,whousuallystandsatthegatewayofthelivery-stablesonverylittlelegsunderaverylargewaistcoat,hasgonetoDoncaster.Ofsuchundesigningaspectishisguilelessyardnow,withitsgravelandscarletbeans,andtheyellowBreakhousedunderaglassroofinacorner,thatIalmostbelieveIcouldnotbetakeninthere,ifItried.Intheplacesofbusinessofthegreattailors,thecheval-glassesaredimanddustyforlackofbeinglookedinto.Rangesofbrownpapercoatandwaistcoatbodieslookasfunerealasiftheywerethehatchmentsofthecustomerswithwhosenamestheyareinscribed;themeasuringtapeshangidleonthewall;theorder-taker,leftonthehopelesschanceofsomeonelookingin,yawnsinthelastextremityoverthebookofpatterns,asifheweretryingtoreadthatentertaininglibrary.ThehotelsinBrook-streethavenooneinthem,andthestaffsofservantsstaredisconsolatelyfornextseasonoutofallthewindows.TheverymanwhogoesaboutlikeanerectTurtle,betweentwoboardsrecommendatoryoftheSixteenShillingTrousers,isawareofhimselfasahollowmockery,andeatsfilbertswhileheleanshishindershellagainstawall.

Amongthesetranquillisingobjects,itismydelighttowalkandmeditate.Soothedbythereposearoundme,Iwanderinsensiblytoconsiderabledistances,andguidemyselfbackbythestars.Thus,Ienjoythecontrastofafewstillpartiallyinhabitedandbusyspotswhereallthelightsarenotfled,whereallthegarlandsarenotdead,whenceallbutIhavenotdeparted.Then,doesitappeartomethatinthisagethreethingsareclamorouslyrequiredofManinthemiscellaneousthoroughfaresofthemetropolis.Firstly,thathehavehisbootscleaned.Secondly,thatheeatapennyice.Thirdly,thathegethimselfphotographed.ThendoIspeculate,Whathavethoseseam-wornartistsbeenwhostandatthephotographdoorsinGreekcaps,sampleinhand,andmysteriouslysalutethepublic—thefemalepublicwithapressingtenderness—tocomeinandbe‘took’?Whatdidtheydowiththeirgreasyblandishments,beforetheeraofcheapphotography?Ofwhatclassweretheirpreviousvictims,andhowvictimised?Andhowdidtheyget,andhowdidtheypayfor,thatlargecollectionoflikenesses,allpurportingtohavebeentakeninside,withthetakingofnoneofwhichhadthatestablishmentanymoretodothanwiththetakingofDelhi?

But,thesearesmalloases,andIamsoonbackagaininmetropolitanArcadia.ItismyimpressionthatmuchofitssereneandpeacefulcharacterisattributabletotheabsenceofcustomaryTalk.HowdoIknowbuttheremaybesubtleinfluencesinTalk,tovexthesoulsofmenwhodon’thearit?HowdoIknowbutthatTalk,five,ten,twentymilesoff,maygetintotheairanddisagreewithme?IfIrisefrommybed,vaguelytroubledandweariedandsickofmylife,inthesessionofParliament,whoshallsaythatmynoblefriend,myrightreverendfriend,myrighthonourablefriend,myhonourablefriend,myhonourableandlearnedfriend,ormyhonourableandgallantfriend,maynotberesponsibleforthateffectuponmynervoussystem?ToomuchOzoneintheair,Iaminformedandfullybelieve(thoughIhavenoideawhatitis),wouldaffectmeinamarvellouslydisagreeableway;whymaynottoomuchTalk?Idon’tseeorheartheOzone;Idon’tseeorheartheTalk.AndthereissomuchTalk;somuchtoomuch;suchloudcry,andsuchscantsupplyofwool;suchadealoffleecing,andsolittlefleece!

Hence,intheArcadianseason,IfinditadelicioustriumphtowalkdowntodesertedWestminster,andseetheCourtsshutup;towalkalittlefurtherandseetheTwoHousesshutup;tostandintheAbbeyYard,liketheNewZealanderofthegrandEnglishHistory(concerningwhichunfortunateman,awholerookeryofmares’nestsisgenerallybeingdiscovered),andgloatupontheruinsofTalk.Returningtomyprimitivesolitudeandlyingdowntosleep,mygratefulheartexpandswiththeconsciousnessthatthereisnoadjournedDebate,noministerialexplanation,nobodytogivenoticeofintentiontoaskthenobleLordattheheadofherMajesty’sGovernmentfive-and-twentybootlessquestionsinone,notermtimewithlegalargument,noNisiPriuswitheloquentappealtoBritishJury;thattheairwillto-morrow,andto-morrow,andto-morrow,remainuntroubledbythissuperabundantgeneratingofTalk.Inaminordegreeitisadelicioustriumphtometogointotheclub,andseethecarpetsup,andtheBoresandtheotherdustdispersedtothefourwinds.Again,NewZealander-like,Istandonthecoldhearth,andsayinthesolitude,‘HereIwatchedBoreA1,withvoicealwaysmysteriouslylowandheadalwaysmysteriouslydrooped,whisperingpoliticalsecretsintotheearsofAdam’sconfidingchildren.Accursedbehismemoryforeverandaday!’

But,Ihaveallthistimebeencomingtothepoint,thatthehappynatureofmyretirementismostsweetlyexpressedinitsbeingtheabodeofLove.Itis,asitwere,aninexpensiveAgapemone:nobody’sspeculation:everybody’sprofit.Theonegreatresultoftheresumptionofprimitivehabits,and(convertibleterms)thenothavingmuchtodo,is,theaboundingofLove.

TheKlemspeciesareincapableofthesofteremotions;probably,inthatlownomadicrace,thesofteremotionshavealldegeneratedintoflue.But,withthisexception,allthesharersofmyretreatmakelove.

IhavementionedSaville-row.WeallknowtheDoctor’sservant.Weallknowwhatarespectablemanheis,whataharddryman,whatafirmman,whataconfidentialman:howheletsusintothewaiting-room,likeamanwhoknowsminutelywhatisthematterwithus,butfromwhomtherackshouldnotwringthesecret.Intheprosaic“season,”hehasdistinctlytheappearanceofamanconsciousofmoneyinthesavingsbank,andtakinghisstandonhisrespectabilitywithbothfeet.Atthattimeitisasimpossibletoassociatehimwithrelaxation,oranyhumanweakness,asitistomeethiseyewithoutfeelingguiltyofindisposition.IntheblestArcadiantime,howchanged!Ihaveseenhim,inapepper-and-saltjacket—jacket—anddrabtrousers,withhisarmroundthewaistofabootmaker’shousemaid,smilinginopenday.IhaveseenhimatthepumpbytheAlbany,unsolicitedlypumpingfortwofairyoungcreatures,whosefiguresastheybentovertheircans,were—ifImaybeallowedanoriginalexpression—amodelforthesculptor.IhaveseenhimtryingthepianointheDoctor’sdrawing-roomwithhisforefinger,andhaveheardhimhummingtunesinpraiseoflovelywoman.Ihaveseenhimseatedonafire-engine,andgoing(obviouslyinsearchofexcitement)toafire.Isawhim,onemoonlighteveningwhenthepeaceandpurityofourArcadianwestwereattheirheight,polkwiththelovelydaughterofacleanerofgloves,fromthedoor-stepsofhisownresidence,acrossSaville-row,roundbyClifford-streetandOldBurlington-street,backtoBurlington-gardens.IsthistheGoldenAgerevived,orIronLondon?

TheDentist’sservant.Isthatmannomysterytous,notypeofinvisiblepower?The

tremendousindividualknows(whoelsedoes?)whatisdonewiththeextractedteeth;heknowswhatgoesoninthelittleroomwheresomethingisalwaysbeingwashedorfiled;heknowswhatwarmspicyinfusionisputintothecomfortabletumblerfromwhichwerinseourwoundedmouth,withagapinitthatfeelsafootwide;heknowswhetherthethingwespitintoisafixturecommunicatingwiththeThames,orcouldbeclearedawayforadance;heseesthehorribleparlourwheretherearenopatientsinit,andhecouldreveal,ifhewould,whatbecomesoftheEvery-DayBookthen.TheconvictionofmycowardconsciencewhenIseethatmaninaprofessionallight,is,thatheknowsallthestatisticsofmyteethandgums,mydoubleteeth,mysingleteeth,mystoppedteeth,andmysound.InthisArcadianrest,Iamfearlessofhimasofaharmless,powerlesscreatureinaScotchcap,whoadoresayoungladyinavoluminouscrinoline,ataneighbouringbilliard-room,andwhosepassionwouldbeuninfluencedifeveryoneofherteethwerefalse.Theymaybe.Hetakesthemallontrust.

Insecludedcornersoftheplaceofmyseclusion,therearelittleshopswithdrawnfrompubliccuriosity,andnevertwotogether,whereservants’perquisitesarebought.Thecookmaydisposeofgreaseatthesemodestandconvenientmarts;thebutler,ofbottles;thevaletandlady’smaid,ofclothes;mostservants,indeed,ofmostthingstheymayhappentolayholdof.Ihavebeentoldthatinsternertimeslovingcorrespondence,otherwiseinterdicted,maybemaintainedbyletterthroughtheagencyofsomeoftheseusefulestablishments.IntheArcadianautumn,nosuchdeviceisnecessary.Everybodyloves,andopenlyandblamelesslyloves.Mylandlord’syoungmanlovesthewholeofonesideofthewayofOldBond-street,andisbelovedseveraldoorsupNewBond-streetbesides.IneverlookoutofwindowbutIseekissingofhandsgoingonallaroundme.Itisthemorningcustomtoglidefromshoptoshopandexchangetendersentiments;itistheeveningcustomforcouplestostandhandinhandathousedoors,orroam,linkedinthatflowerymanner,throughtheunpeopledstreets.Thereisnothingelsetodobutlove;andwhatthereistodo,isdone.

Inunisonwiththispursuit,achastesimplicityobtainsinthedomestichabitsofArcadia.Itsfewscatteredpeopledineearly,livemoderately,supsocially,andsleepsoundly.ItisrumouredthattheBeadlesoftheArcade,frombeingthemortalenemiesofboys,havesignedwithtearsanaddresstoLordShaftesbury,andsubscribedtoaraggedschool.Nowonder!For,theymightturntheirheavymacesintocrooksandtendsheepintheArcade,tothepurlingofthewater-cartsastheygivethethirstystreetsmuchmoretodrinkthantheycancarry.

AhappyGoldenAge,andaserenetranquillity.Charmingpicture,butitwillfade.Theironagewillreturn,Londonwillcomebacktotown,ifIshowmytonguetheninSaville-rowforhalfaminuteIshallbeprescribedfor,theDoctor’smanandtheDentist’smanwillthenpretendthatthesedaysofunprofessionalinnocenceneverexisted.WhereMr.andMrs.Klemandtheirbedwillbeatthattime,passeshumanknowledge;butmyhatterhermitagewillthenknowthemnomore,norwillitthenknowme.ThedeskatwhichIhavewrittenthesemeditationswillretributivelyassistatthemakingoutofmyaccount,andthewheelsofgorgeouscarriagesandthehoofsofhigh-steppinghorseswillcrushthesilenceoutofBond-street—willgrindArcadiaaway,andgiveittotheelementsingranitepowder.

XVIITHEITALIANPRISONER

THErisingoftheItalianpeoplefromundertheirunutterablewrongs,andthetardyburstofdayuponthemafterthelonglongnightofoppressionthathasdarkenedtheirbeautifulcountry,havenaturallycausedmymindtodwelloftenoflateonmyownsmallwanderingsinItaly.Connectedwiththem,isacuriouslittledrama,inwhichthecharacterImyselfsustainedwassoverysubordinatethatImayrelateitsstorywithoutanyfearofbeingsuspectedofself-display.Itisstrictlyatruestory.

Iamnewlyarrivedonesummerevening,inacertainsmalltownontheMediterranean.Ihavehadmydinnerattheinn,andIandthemosquitoesarecomingoutintothestreetstogether.ItisfarfromNaples;butabright,brown,plumplittlewoman-servantattheinn,isaNeapolitan,andissovivaciouslyexpertinpanto-mimicaction,thatinthesinglemomentofansweringmyrequesttohaveapairofshoescleanedwhichIhaveleftup-stairs,shepliesimaginarybrushes,andgoescompletelythroughthemotionsofpolishingtheshoesup,andlayingthematmyfeet.Ismileatthebrisklittlewomaninperfectsatisfactionwithherbriskness;andthebrisklittlewoman,amiablypleasedwithmebecauseIampleasedwithher,clapsherhandsandlaughsdelightfully.Weareintheinnyard.Asthelittlewoman’sbrighteyessparkleonthecigaretteIamsmoking,Imakeboldtoofferherone;sheacceptsitnonethelessmerrily,becauseItouchamostcharminglittledimpleinherfatcheek,withitslightpaperend.Glancingupatthemanygreenlatticestoassureherselfthatthemistressisnotlookingon,thelittlewomanthenputshertwolittledimplearmsa-kimbo,andstandsontiptoetolighthercigaretteatmine.‘Andnow,dearlittlesir,’saysshe,puffingoutsmokeinamostinnocentandcherubicmanner,‘keepquitestraighton,takethefirsttotherightandprobablyyouwillseehimstandingathisdoor.’

Igaveacommissionto‘him,’andIhavebeeninquiringabouthim.IhavecarriedthecommissionaboutItalyseveralmonths.BeforeIleftEngland,therecametomeonenightacertaingenerousandgentleEnglishnobleman(heisdeadinthesedayswhenIrelatethestory,andexileshavelosttheirbestBritishfriend),withthisrequest:‘Wheneveryoucometosuchatown,willyouseekoutoneGiovanniCarlavero,whokeepsalittlewine-shopthere,mentionmynametohimsuddenly,andobservehowitaffectshim?’Iacceptedthetrust,andamonmywaytodischargeit.

Thesiroccohasbeenblowingallday,anditisahotunwholesomeeveningwithnocoolsea-breeze.Mosquitoesandfire-fliesarelivelyenough,butmostothercreaturesarefaint.Thecoquettishairsofprettyyoungwomeninthetiniestandwickedestofdolls’strawhats,wholeanoutatopenedlatticeblinds,arealmosttheonlyairsstirring.Veryuglyandhaggardoldwomenwithdistaffs,andwithagreytowuponthemthatlooksasiftheywerespinningouttheirownhair(Isupposetheywereoncepretty,too,butitisverydifficulttobelieveso),sitonthefootwayleaningagainsthousewalls.Everybodywhohascomeforwatertothefountain,staysthere,andseemsincapableofanysuchenergeticideaasgoinghome.Vespersareover,thoughnotsolongbutthatIcansmelltheheavyresinousincenseasIpassthechurch.Nomanseemstobeatwork,savethecoppersmith.

InanItaliantownheisalwaysatwork,andalwaysthumpinginthedeadliestmanner.

Ikeepstraighton,andcomeinduetimetothefirstontheright:anarrowdullstreet,whereIseeawell-favouredmanofgoodstatureandmilitarybearing,inagreatcloak,standingatadoor.Drawingnearertothisthreshold,Iseeitisthethresholdofasmallwine-shop;andIcanjustmakeout,inthedimlight,theinscriptionthatitiskeptbyGiovanniCarlavero.

Itouchmyhattothefigureinthecloak,andpassin,anddrawastooltoalittletable.Thelamp(justsuchanotherastheydigoutofPompeii)islighted,buttheplaceisempty.Thefigureinthecloakhasfollowedmein,andstandsbeforeme.

‘Themaster?’

‘Atyourservice,sir.’

‘Pleasetogivemeaglassofthewineofthecountry.’

Heturnstoalittlecounter,togetit.Ashisstrikingfaceispale,andhisactionisevidentlythatofanenfeebledman,IremarkthatIfearhehasbeenill.Itisnotmuch,hecourteouslyandgravelyanswers,thoughbadwhileitlasts:thefever.

Ashesetsthewineonthelittletable,tohismanifestsurpriseIlaymyhandonthebackofhis,lookhimintheface,andsayinalowvoice:‘IamanEnglishman,andyouareacquaintedwithafriendofmine.Doyourecollect—?’andImentionedthenameofmygenerouscountryman.

Instantly,heuttersaloudcry,burstsintotears,andfallsonhiskneesatmyfeet,claspingmylegsinbothhisarmsandbowinghisheadtotheground.

Someyearsago,thismanatmyfeet,whoseover-fraughtheartisheavingasifitwouldburstfromhisbreast,andwhosetearsarewetuponthedressIwear,wasagalley-slaveintheNorthofItaly.Hewasapoliticaloffender,havingbeenconcernedinthethenlastrising,andwassentencedtoimprisonmentforlife.Thathewouldhavediedinhischains,iscertain,butforthecircumstancethattheEnglishmanhappenedtovisithisprison.

ItwasoneofthevileoldprisonsofItaly,andapartofitwasbelowthewatersoftheharbour.Theplaceofhisconfinementwasanarchedunder-groundandunder-watergallery,withagrill-gateattheentrance,throughwhichitreceivedsuchlightandairasitgot.Itsconditionwasinsufferablyfoul,andastrangercouldhardlybreatheinit,orseeinitwiththeaidofatorch.Attheupperendofthisdungeon,andconsequentlyintheworstposition,asbeingthefurthestremovedfromlightandair,theEnglishmanfirstbeheldhim,sittingonanironbedsteadtowhichhewaschainedbyaheavychain.HiscountenanceimpressedtheEnglishmenashavingnothingincommonwiththefacesofthemalefactorswithwhomhewasassociated,andhetalkedwithhim,andlearnthowhecametobethere.

WhentheEnglishmanemergedfromthedreadfuldenintothelightofday,heaskedhisconductor,thegovernorofthejail,whyGiovanniCarlaverowasputintotheworstplace?

‘Becauseheisparticularlyrecommended,’wasthestringentanswer.

‘Recommended,thatistosay,fordeath?’

‘Excuseme;particularlyrecommended,’wasagaintheanswer.

‘Hehasabadtumourinhisneck,nodoubtoccasionedbythehardshipofhismiserablelife.Ifhecontinuestobeneglected,andheremainswhereheis,itwillkillhim.’

‘Excuseme,Icandonothing.Heisparticularlyrecommended.’TheEnglishmanwasstayinginthattown,andhewenttohishomethere;butthefigureofthismanchainedtothebedsteadmadeitnohome,anddestroyedhisrestandpeace.HewasanEnglishmanofanextraordinarilytenderheart,andhecouldnotbearthepicture.Hewentbacktotheprisongrate;wentbackagainandagain,andtalkedtothemanandcheeredhim.Heusedhisutmostinfluencetogetthemanunchainedfromthebedstead,wereitonlyforeversoshortatimeintheday,andpermittedtocometothegrate.Itlookalongtime,buttheEnglishman’sstation,personalcharacter,andsteadinessofpurpose,woreoutoppositionsofar,andthatgracewasatlastaccorded.Throughthebars,whenhecouldthusgetlightuponthetumour,theEnglishmanlancedit,anditdidwell,andhealed.Hisstronginterestintheprisonerhadgreatlyincreasedbythistime,andheformedthedesperateresolutionthathewouldexerthisutmostself-devotionandusehisutmostefforts,togetCarlaveropardoned.

Iftheprisonerhadbeenabrigandandamurderer,ifhehadcommittedeverynon-politicalcrimeintheNewgateCalendarandoutofit,nothingwouldhavebeeneasierthanforamanofanycourtorpriestlyinfluencetoobtainhisrelease.Asitwas,nothingcouldhavebeenmoredifficult.Italianauthorities,andEnglishauthoritieswhohadinterestwiththem,alikeassuredtheEnglishmanthathisobjectwashopeless.Hemetwithnothingbutevasion,refusal,andridicule.Hispoliticalprisonerbecameajokeintheplace.ItwasespeciallyobservablethatEnglishCircumlocution,andEnglishSocietyonitstravels,wereashumorousonthesubjectasCircumlocutionandSocietymaybeonanysubjectwithoutlossofcaste.But,theEnglishmanpossessed(andproveditwellinhislife)acourageveryuncommonamongus:hehadnottheleastfearofbeingconsideredabore,inagoodhumanecause.Sohewentonpersistentlytrying,andtrying,andtrying,togetGiovanniCarlaveroout.Thatprisonerhadbeenrigorouslyre-chained,afterthetumouroperation,anditwasnotlikelythathismiserablelifecouldlastverylong.

Oneday,whenallthetownknewabouttheEnglishmanandhispoliticalprisoner,therecametotheEnglishman,acertainsprightlyItalianAdvocateofwhomhehadsomeknowledge;andhemadethisstrangeproposal.‘GivemeahundredpoundstoobtainCarlavero’srelease.IthinkIcangethimapardon,withthatmoney.ButIcannottellyouwhatIamgoingtodowiththemoney,normustyoueveraskmethequestionifIsucceed,normustyoueveraskmeforanaccountofthemoneyifIfail.’TheEnglishmandecidedtohazardthehundredpounds.Hedidso,andheardnotanotherwordofthematter.Forhalfayearandmore,theAdvocatemadenosign,andneveronce‘tookon’inanyway,tohavethesubjectonhismind.TheEnglishmanwasthenobligedtochangehisresidencetoanotherandmorefamoustownintheNorthofItaly.Hepartedfromthepoorprisonerwithasorrowfulheart,asfromadoomedmanforwhomtherewasnoreleasebutDeath.

TheEnglishmanlivedinhisnewplaceofabodeanotherhalf-yearandmore,andhadnotidingsofthewretchedprisoner.Atlength,oneday,hereceivedfromtheAdvocateacool,concise,mysteriousnote,tothiseffect.‘Ifyoustillwishtobestowthatbenefituponthemaninwhomyouwereonceinterested,sendmefiftypoundsmore,andIthinkitcan

beensured.’Now,theEnglishmanhadlongsettledinhismindthattheAdvocatewasaheartlesssharper,whohadpreyeduponhiscredulityandhisinterestinanunfortunatesufferer.So,hesatdownandwroteadryanswer,givingtheAdvocatetounderstandthathewaswisernowthanhehadbeenformerly,andthatnomoremoneywasextractablefromhispocket.

Helivedoutsidethecitygates,somemileortwofromthepost-office,andwasaccustomedtowalkintothecitywithhislettersandpostthemhimself.Onalovelyspringday,whentheskywasexquisitelyblue,andtheseaDivinelybeautiful,hetookhisusualwalk,carryingthislettertotheAdvocateinhispocket.Ashewentalong,hisgentleheartwasmuchmovedbythelovelinessoftheprospect,andbythethoughtoftheslowlydyingprisonerchainedtothebedstead,forwhomtheuniversehadnodelights.Ashedrewnearerandnearertothecitywherehewastoposttheletter,hebecameveryuneasyinhismind.Hedebatedwithhimself,wasitremotelypossible,afterall,thatthissumoffiftypoundscouldrestorethefellow-creaturewhomhepitiedsomuch,andforwhomhehadstrivensohard,toliberty?HewasnotaconventionallyrichEnglishman—veryfarfromthat—but,hehadasparefiftypoundsatthebanker’s.Heresolvedtoriskit.Withoutdoubt,GODhasrecompensedhimfortheresolution.

Hewenttothebanker’s,andgotabillfortheamount,andencloseditinalettertotheAdvocatethatIwishIcouldhaveseen.HesimplytoldtheAdvocatethathewasquiteapoorman,andthathewassensibleitmightbeagreatweaknessinhimtopartwithsomuchmoneyonthefaithofsovagueacommunication;but,thatthereitwas,andthatheprayedtheAdvocatetomakeagooduseofit.Ifhedidotherwisenogoodcouldevercomeofit,anditwouldlieheavyonhissouloneday.

Withinaweek,theEnglishmanwassittingathisbreakfast,whenheheardsomesuppressedsoundsofagitationonthestaircase,andGiovanniCarlaveroleapedintotheroomandfelluponhisbreast,afreeman!

ConsciousofhavingwrongedtheAdvocateinhisownthoughts,theEnglishmanwrotehimanearnestandgratefulletter,avowingthefact,andentreatinghimtoconfidebywhatmeansandthroughwhatagencyhehadsucceededsowell.TheAdvocatereturnedforanswerthroughthepost,‘Therearemanythings,asyouknow,inthisItalyofours,thataresafestandbestnotevenspokenof—farlesswrittenof.Wemaymeetsomeday,andthenImaytellyouwhatyouwanttoknow;nothere,andnow.’But,thetwoneverdidmeetagain.TheAdvocatewasdeadwhentheEnglishmangavememytrust;andhowthemanhadbeensetfree,remainedasgreatamysterytotheEnglishman,andtothemanhimself,asitwastome.

But,Iknewthis:—herewastheman,thissultrynight,onhiskneesatmyfeet,becauseIwastheEnglishman’sfriend;herewerehistearsuponmydress;herewerehissobschokinghisutterance;herewerehiskissesonmyhands,becausetheyhadtouchedthehandsthathadworkedouthisrelease.Hehadnoneedtotellmeitwouldbehappinesstohimtodieforhisbenefactor;IdoubtifIeversawreal,sterling,ferventgratitudeofsoul,beforeorsince.

Hewasmuchwatchedandsuspected,hesaid,andhadhadenoughtodotokeephimselfoutoftrouble.This,andhisnothavingprosperedinhisworldlyaffairs,hadledtohis

havingfailedinhisusualcommunicationstotheEnglishmanfor—asInowremembertheperiod—sometwoorthreeyears.But,hisprospectswerebrighter,andhiswifewhohadbeenveryillhadrecovered,andhisfeverhadlefthim,andhehadboughtalittlevineyard,andwouldIcarrytohisbenefactorthefirstofitswine?Ay,thatIwould(Itoldhimwithenthusiasm),andnotadropofitshouldbespilledorlost!

Hehadcautiouslyclosedthedoorbeforespeakingofhimself,andhadtalkedwithsuchexcessofemotion,andinaprovincialItaliansodifficulttounderstand,thatIhadmorethanoncebeenobligedtostophim,andbeghimtohavecompassiononmeandbeslowerandcalmer.Bydegreeshebecameso,andtranquillywalkedbackwithmetothehotel.There,IsatdownbeforeIwenttobedandwroteafaithfulaccountofhimtotheEnglishman:whichIconcludedbysayingthatIwouldbringthewinehome,againstanydifficulties,everydrop.

Earlynextmorning,whenIcameoutatthehoteldoortopursuemyjourney,IfoundmyfriendwaitingwithoneofthoseimmensebottlesinwhichtheItalianpeasantsstoretheirwine—abottleholdingsomehalf-dozengallons—boundroundwithbasket-workforgreatersafetyonthejourney.Iseehimnow,inthebrightsunshine,tearsofgratitudeinhiseyes,proudlyinvitingmyattentiontothiscorpulentbottle.(Atthestreet-comerhardby,twohigh-flavoured,able-bodiedmonks—pretendingtotalktogether,butkeepingtheirfourevileyesuponus.)

Howthebottlehadbeengotthere,didnotappear;butthedifficultyofgettingitintotheramshacklevetturinocarriageinwhichIwasdeparting,wassogreat,andittookupsomuchroomwhenitwasgotin,thatIelectedtositoutside.ThelastIsawofGiovanniCarlaverowashisrunningthroughthetownbythesideofthejinglingwheels,claspingmyhandasIstretcheditdownfromthebox,chargingmewithathousandlastlovinganddutifulmessagestohisdearpatron,andfinallylookinginatthebottleasitreposedinside,withanadmirationofitshonourablewayoftravellingthatwasbeyondmeasuredelightful.

Andnow,whatdisquietofmindthisdearly-belovedandhighly-treasuredBottlebegantocostme,nomanknows.Itwasmypreciouschargethroughalongtour,and,forhundredsofmiles,Ineverhaditoffmymindbydayorbynight.Overbadroads—andtheyweremany—Iclungtoitwithaffectionatedesperation.Upmountains,Ilookedinatitandsawithelplesslytiltingoveronitsback,withterror.Atinnumerableinndoorswhentheweatherwasbad,IwasobligedtobeputintomyvehiclebeforetheBottlecouldbegotin,andwasobligedtohavetheBottleliftedoutbeforehumanaidcouldcomenearme.TheImpofthesamename,exceptthathisassociationswereallevilandtheseassociationswereallgood,wouldhavebeenalesstroublesometravellingcompanion.ImighthaveservedMr.CruikshankasasubjectforanewillustrationofthemiseriesoftheBottle.TheNationalTemperanceSocietymighthavemadeapowerfulTractofme.

ThesuspicionsthatattachedtothisinnocentBottle,greatlyaggravatedmydifficulties.Itwasliketheapple-pieinthechild’sbook.Parmapoutedatit,Modenamockedit,Tuscanytackledit,Naplesnibbledit,Romerefusedit,Austriaaccusedit,Soldierssuspectedit,Jesuitsjobbedit.IcomposedaneatOration,developingmyinoffensiveintentionsinconnexionwiththisBottle,anddelivereditinaninfinityofguard-houses,atamultitudeoftowngates,andoneverydrawbridge,angle,andrampart,ofacompletesystemof

fortifications.Fiftytimesaday,IgotdowntoharangueaninfuriatedsoldieryabouttheBottle.ThroughthefilthydegradationoftheabjectandvileRomanStates,IhadasmuchdifficultyinworkingmywaywiththeBottle,asifithadbottledupacompletesystemofhereticaltheology.IntheNeapolitancountry,whereeverybodywasaspy,asoldier,apriest,oralazzarone,theshamelessbeggarsofallfourdenominationsincessantlypouncedontheBottleandmadeitapretextforextortingmoneyfromme.Quires—quiresdoIsay?Reams—offormsillegiblyprintedonwhity-brownpaperwerefilledupabouttheBottle,anditwasthesubjectofmorestampingandsandingthanIhadeverseenbefore.Inconsequenceofwhichhazeofsand,perhaps,itwasalwaysirregular,andalwayslatentwithdismalpenaltiesofgoingbackornotgoingforward,whichwereonlytobeabatedbythesilvercrossingofabasehand,pokedshirtlessoutofaraggeduniformsleeve.Underalldiscouragements,however,IstucktomyBottle,andheldfirmtomyresolutionthateverydropofitscontentsshouldreachtheBottle’sdestination.

Thelatterrefinementcostmeaseparateheapoftroublesonitsownseparateaccount.WhatcorkscrewsdidIseethemilitarypowerbringoutagainstthatBottle;whatgimlets,spikes,diviningrods,gauges,andunknowntestsandinstruments!Atsomeplaces,theypersistedindeclaringthatthewinemustnotbepassed,withoutbeingopenedandtasted;I,pleadingtothecontrary,usedthentoarguethequestionseatedontheBottlelesttheyshouldopenitinspiteofme.InthesouthernpartsofItalymoreviolentshrieking,face-making,andgesticulating,greatervehemenceofspeechandcountenanceandaction,wentonaboutthatBottlethanwouldattendfiftymurdersinanorthernlatitude.Itraisedimportantfunctionariesoutoftheirbeds,inthedeadofnight.Ihaveknownhalf-a-dozenmilitarylanternstodispersethemselvesatallpointsofagreatsleepingPiazza,eachlanternsummoningsomeofficialcreaturetogetup,putonhiscocked-hatinstantly,andcomeandstoptheBottle.ItwascharacteristicthatwhilethisinnocentBottlehadsuchimmensedifficultyingettingfromlittletowntotown,SignorMazziniandthefierycrossweretraversingItalyfromendtoend.

Still,IstucktomyBottle,likeanyfineoldEnglishgentlemanalloftheoldentime.ThemoretheBottlewasinterferedwith,thestauncherIbecame(ifpossible)inmyfirstdeterminationthatmycountrymanshouldhaveitdeliveredtohimintact,asthemanwhomhehadsonoblyrestoredtolifeandlibertyhaddeliveredittome.IfeverIhadbeenobstinateinmydays—andImayhavebeen,say,onceortwice—IwasobstinateabouttheBottle.But,Imadeitarulealwaystokeepapocketfullofsmallcoinatitsservice,andnevertobeoutoftemperinitscause.Thus,IandtheBottlemadeourway.Oncewehadabreak-down;ratherabadbreak-down,onasteephighplacewiththeseabelowus,onatempestuouseveningwhenitblewgreatguns.Weweredrivingfourwildhorsesabreast,Southernfashion,andtherewassomelittledifficultyinstoppingthem.Iwasoutside,andnotthrownoff;butnowordscandescribemyfeelingswhenIsawtheBottle—travellinginside,asusual—burstthedooropen,androllobeselyoutintotheroad.AblessedBottlewithacharmedexistence,hetooknohurt,andwerepaireddamage,andwentontriumphant.

AthousandrepresentationsweremadetomethattheBottlemustbeleftatthisplace,orthat,andcalledforagain.Ineveryieldedtooneofthem,andneverpartedfromtheBottle,onanypretence,consideration,threat,orentreaty.IhadnofaithinanyofficialreceiptfortheBottle,andnothingwouldinducemetoacceptone.Theseunmanageable

politicsatlastbroughtmeandtheBottle,stilltriumphant,toGenoa.There,Itookatenderandreluctantleaveofhimforafewweeks,andconsignedhimtoatrustyEnglishcaptain,tobeconveyedtothePortofLondonbysea.

WhiletheBottlewasonhisvoyagetoEngland,IreadtheShippingIntelligenceasanxiouslyasifIhadbeenanunderwriter.TherewassomestormyweatherafterImyselfhadgottoEnglandbywayofSwitzerlandandFrance,andmymindgreatlymisgavemethattheBottlemightbewrecked.Atlasttomygreatjoy,Ireceivednoticeofhissafearrival,andimmediatelywentdowntoSaintKatharine’sDocks,andfoundhiminastateofhonourablecaptivityintheCustomHouse.

ThewinewasmerevinegarwhenIsetitdownbeforethegenerousEnglishman—probablyithadbeensomethinglikevinegarwhenItookitupfromGiovanniCarlavero—butnotadropofitwasspilledorgone.AndtheEnglishmantoldme,withmuchemotioninhisfaceandvoice,thathehadnevertastedwinethatseemedtohimsosweetandsound.Andlongafterwards,theBottlegracedhistable.AndthelasttimeIsawhiminthisworldthatmisseshim,hetookmeasideinacrowd,tosay,withhisamiablesmile:‘Weweretalkingofyouonlyto-dayatdinner,andIwishedyouhadbeenthere,forIhadsomeClaretupinCarlavero’sBottle.’

XVIIITHECALAISNIGHTMAIL

ITisanunsettledquestionwithmewhetherIshallleaveCalaissomethinghandsomeinmywill,orwhetherIshallleaveitmymalediction.Ihateitsomuch,andyetIamalwayssoverygladtoseeit,thatIaminastateofconstantindecisiononthissubject.WhenIfirstmadeacquaintancewithCalais,itwasasamaunderingyoungwretchinaclammyperspirationanddrippingsalineparticles,whowasconsciousofnoextremitiesbuttheonegreatextremity,sea-sickness—whowasamerebilioustorso,withamislaidheadachesomewhereinitsstomach—whohadbeenputintoahorribleswinginDoverHarbour,andhadtumbledgiddilyoutofitontheFrenchcoast,ortheIsleofMan,oranywhere.Timeshavechanged,andnowIenterCalaisself-reliantandrational.Iknowwhereitisbeforehand,Ikeepalookoutforit,IrecogniseitslandmarkswhenIseeanyofthem,Iamacquaintedwithitsways,andIknow—andIcanbear—itsworstbehaviour.

MalignantCalais!Low-lyingalligator,evadingtheeyesightanddiscouraginghope!Dodgingflatstreak,nowonthisbow,nowonthat,nowanywhere,noweverywhere,nownowhere!InvainCapeGrinez,comingfranklyforthintothesea,exhortsthefailingtobestoutofheartandstomach:sneakingCalais,pronebehinditsbar,invitesemeticallytodespair.Evenwhenitcannolongerquiteconcealitselfinitsmuddydock,ithasanevilwayoffallingoff,hasCalais,whichismorehopelessthanitsinvisibility.Thepierisallbutonthebowsprit,andyouthinkyouarethere—roll,roar,wash!—Calaishasretiredmilesinland,andDoverhasburstouttolookforit.Ithasalastdipandslideinitscharacter,hasCalais,tobeespeciallycommandedtotheinfernalgods.Thriceaccursedbethatgarrison-town,whenitdivesundertheboat’skeel,andcomesupaleagueortwototheright,withthepacketshiveringandsplutteringandstaringaboutforit!

NotbutwhatIhavemyanimositiestowardsDover.IparticularlydetestDoverfortheself-complacencywithwhichitgoestobed.Italwaysgoestobed(whenIamgoingtoCalais)withamorebrilliantdisplayoflampandcandlethananyothertown.Mr.andMrs.Birmingham,hostandhostessoftheLordWardenHotel,aremymuchesteemedfriends,buttheyaretooconceitedaboutthecomfortsofthatestablishmentwhentheNightMailisstarting.Iknowitisagoodhousetostayat,andIdon’twantthefactinsisteduponinallitswarmbrightwindowsatsuchanhour.IknowtheWardenisastationaryedificethatneverrollsorpitches,andIobjecttoitsbigoutlineseemingtoinsistuponthatcircumstance,and,asitwere,tocomeovermewithit,whenIamreelingonthedeckoftheboat.BeshrewtheWardenlikewise,forobstructingthatcorner,andmakingthewindsoangryasitrushesround.ShallInotknowthatitblowsquitesoonenough,withouttheofficiousWarden’sinterference?

AsIwaithereonboardthenightpacket,fortheSouth-EasternTraintocomedownwiththeMail,Doverappearstometobeilluminatedforsomeintenselyaggravatingfestivityinmypersonaldishonour.Allitsnoisessmackoftauntingpraisesoftheland,anddispraisesofthegloomysea,andofmeforgoingonit.Thedrumsupontheheightshavegonetobed,orIknowtheywouldrattletauntsagainstmeforhavingmyunsteadyfootingonthis

slipperydeck.ThemanygaseyesoftheMarineParadetwinkleinanoffensivemanner,asifwithderision.ThedistantdogsofDoverbarkatmeinmymisshapenwrappers,asifIwereRichardtheThird.

Ascreech,abell,andtworedeyescomeglidingdowntheAdmiraltyPierwithasmoothnessofmotionrenderedmoresmoothbytheheavingoftheboat.Theseamakesnoisesagainstthepier,asifseveralhippopotamiwerelappingatit,andwerepreventedbycircumstancesoverwhichtheyhadnocontrolfromdrinkingpeaceably.We,theboat,becomeviolentlyagitated—rumble,hum,scream,roar,andestablishanimmensefamilywashing-dayateachpaddle-box.Brightpatchesbreakoutinthetrainasthedoorsofthepost-officevansareopened,andinstantlystoopingfigureswithsacksupontheirbacksbegintobebeheldamongthepiles,descendingasitwouldseeminghostlyprocessiontoDavyJones’sLocker.Thepassengerscomeonboard;afewshadowyFrenchmen,withhatboxesshapedlikethestoppersofgiganticcase-bottles;afewshadowyGermansinimmensefurcoatsandboots;afewshadowyEnglishmenpreparedfortheworstandpretendingnottoexpectit.Icannotdisguisefrommyuncommercialmindthemiserablefactthatweareabodyofoutcasts;thattheattendantsonusareasscantinnumberasmayservetogetridofuswiththeleastpossibledelay;thattherearenonight-loungersinterestedinus;thattheunwillinglampsshiverandshudderatus;thatthesoleobjectistocommitustothedeepandabandonus.Lo,thetworedeyesglaringinincreasingdistance,andthentheverytrainitselfhasgonetobedbeforeweareoff!

Whatisthemoralsupportderivedbysomesea-goingamateursfromanumbrella?WhydocertainvoyagersacrosstheChannelalwaysputupthatarticle,andholditupwithagrimandfiercetenacity?Afellow-creaturenearme—whomIonlyknowtobeafellow-creature,becauseofhisumbrella:withoutwhichhemightbeadarkbitofcliff,pier,orbulkbead—clutchesthatinstrumentwithadesperategrasp,thatwillnotrelaxuntilhelandsatCalais.Isthereanyanalogy,incertainconstitutions,betweenkeepinganumbrellaup,andkeepingthespiritsup?Ahawserthrownonboardwithaflopreplies‘Standby!’‘Standby,below!’‘Halfaturnahead!’‘Halfaturnahead!’‘Halfspeed!’‘Halfspeed!’‘Port!’‘Port!’‘Steady!’‘Steady!’‘Goon!’‘Goon!’

Astoutwoodenwedgedriveninatmyrighttempleandoutatmyleft,afloatingdepositoflukewarmoilinmythroat,andacompressionofthebridgeofmynoseinabluntpairofpincers,—thesearethepersonalsensationsbywhichIknowweareoff,andbywhichIshallcontinuetoknowituntilIamonthesoilofFrance.Mysymptomshavescarcelyestablishedthemselvescomfortably,whentwoorthreeskatingshadowsthathavebeentryingtowalkorstand,getflungtogether,andothertwoorthreeshadowsintarpaulinslidewiththemintocornersandcoverthemup.ThentheSouthForelandlightsbegintohiccupatusinawaythatbodesnogood.

ItisataboutthisperiodthatmydetestationofCalaisknowsnobounds.InwardlyIresolveafreshthatIneverwillforgivethathatedtown.Ihavedonesobefore,manytimes,butthatispast.Letmeregisteravow.ImplacableanimositytoCalaiseverm—thatwasanawkwardsea,andthefunnelseemsofmyopinion,foritgivesacomplainingroar.

ThewindblowsstifflyfromtheNor-East,thesearunshigh,weshipadealofwater,thenightisdarkandcold,andtheshapelesspassengerslieaboutinmelancholybundles,asif

theyweresortedoutforthelaundress;butformyownuncommercialpartIcannotpretendthatIammuchinconveniencedbyanyofthesethings.Ageneralhowling,whistling,flopping,gurgling,andscooping,Iamawareof,andageneralknockingaboutofNature;buttheimpressionsIreceiveareveryvague.Inasweetfainttemper,somethinglikethesmellofdamagedoranges,IthinkIshouldfeellanguidlybenevolentifIhadtime.Ihavenottime,becauseIamunderacuriouscompulsiontooccupymyselfwiththeIrishmelodies.‘Richandrarewerethegemsshewore,’istheparticularmelodytowhichIfindmyselfdevoted.Isingittomyselfinthemostcharmingmannerandwiththegreatestexpression.Nowandthen,Iraisemyhead(Iamsittingonthehardestofwetseats,inthemostuncomfortableofwetattitudes,butIdon’tmindit,)andnoticethatIamawhirlingshuttlecockbetweenafierybattledoreofalighthouseontheFrenchcoastandafierybattledoreofalighthouseontheEnglishcoast;butIdon’tnoticeitparticularly,excepttofeelenvenomedinmyhatredofCalais.ThenIgoonagain,‘Richandrarewerethege-emsshe-e-e-ewore,Andabrightgoldringonherwa-andshebo-ore,ButOherbeautywasfa-a-a-a-rbeyond’—Iamparticularlyproudofmyexecutionhere,whenIbecomeawareofanotherawkwardshockfromthesea,andanotherprotestfromthefunnel,andafellow-creatureatthepaddle-boxmoreaudiblyindisposedthanIthinkheneedbe—‘Hersparklinggems,orsnow-whitewand,ButOherbeautywasfa-a-a-a-a-rbeyond’—anotherawkwardonehere,andthefellow-creaturewiththeumbrelladownandpickedup—‘Herspa-a-rklingge-ems,orherPort!port!steady!steady!snow-whitefellow-creatureatthepaddle-boxveryselfishlyaudible,bump,roar,wash,whitewand.’

AsmyexecutionoftheIrishmelodiespartakesofmyimperfectperceptionsofwhatisgoingonaroundme,sowhatisgoingonaroundmebecomessomethingelsethanwhatitis.Thestokersopenthefurnacedoorsbelow,tofeedthefires,andIamagainontheboxoftheoldExeterTelegraphfastcoach,andthatisthelightoftheforeverextinguishedcoach-lamps,andthegleamonthehatchesandpaddle-boxesistheirgleamoncottagesandhaystacks,andthemonotonousnoiseoftheenginesisthesteadyjingleofthesplendidteam.Anon,theintermittentfunnelroarofprotestateveryviolentroll,becomestheregularblastofahighpressureengine,andIrecognisetheexceedinglyexplosivesteamerinwhichIascendedtheMississippiwhentheAmericancivilwarwasnot,andwhenonlyitscauseswere.Afragmentofmastonwhichthelightofalanternfalls,anendofrope,andajerkingblockorso,becomesuggestiveofFranconi’sCircusatPariswhereIshallbethisverynightmayhap(foritmustbemorningnow),andtheydancetotheself-sametimeandtuneasthetrainedsteed,BlackRaven.Whatmaybethespecialityofthesewavesastheycomerushingon,Icannotdesertthepressingdemandsmadeuponmebythegemsshewore,toinquire,buttheyarechargedwithsomethingaboutRobinsonCrusoe,andIthinkitwasinYarmouthRoadsthathefirstwentaseafaringandwasnearfoundering(whataterrificsoundthatwordhadformewhenIwasaboy!)inhisfirstgaleofwind.Still,throughallthis,Imustaskher(whowassheIwonder!)forthefiftiethtime,andwithouteverstopping,Doesshenotfeartostray,Soloneandlovelythroughthisbleakway,AndareErin’ssonssogoodorsocold,Asnottobetemptedbymorefellow-creaturesatthepaddle-boxorgold?SirKnightIfeelnottheleastalarm,NosonofErinwilloffermeharm,Forthoughtheylovefellow-creaturewithumbrelladownagainandgoldenstore,SirKnighttheywhatatremendousonelovehonourandvirtuemore:ForthoughtheyloveStewardswithabull’seyebright,they’lltroubleyouforyourticket,sir-roughpassageto-night!

Ifreelyadmitittobeamiserablepieceofhumanweaknessandinconsistency,butInosoonerbecomeconsciousofthoselastwordsfromthestewardthanIbegintosoftentowardsCalais.WhereasIhavebeenvindictivelywishingthatthoseCalaisburgherswhocameoutoftheirtownbyashortcutintotheHistoryofEngland,withthosefatalropesroundtheirnecksbywhichtheyhavesincebeentowedintosomanycartoons,hadallbeenhangedonthespot,Inowbegintoregardthemashighlyrespectableandvirtuoustradesmen.Lookingaboutme,IseethelightofCapeGrinezwellasternoftheboatonthedavitstoleeward,andthelightofCalaisHarbourundeniablyatitsoldtricks,butstillaheadandshining.SentimentsofforgivenessofCalais,nottosayofattachmenttoCalais,begintoexpandmybosom.IhaveweaknotionsthatIwillstaythereadayortwoonmywayback.Afadedandrecumbentstrangerpausinginaprofoundreverieovertherimofabasin,asksmewhatkindofplaceCalaisis?Itellhim(Heavenforgiveme!)averyagreeableplaceindeed—ratherhillythanotherwise.

Sostrangelygoesthetime,andonthewholesoquickly—thoughstillIseemtohavebeenonboardaweek—thatIambumped,rolled,gurgled,washedandpitchedintoCalaisHarbourbeforehermaidensmilehasfinallylightedherthroughtheGreenIsle,Whenblestforeverisshewhorelied,OnenteringCalaisatthetopofthetide.Forwehavenottolandto-nightdownamongthoseslimytimbers—coveredwithgreenhairasifitwerethemermaids’favouritecombing-place—whereonecrawlstothesurfaceofthejetty,likeastrandedshrimp,butwegosteaminguptheharbourtotheRailwayStationQuay.Andaswego,theseawashesinandoutamongpilesandplanks,withdeadheavybeatsandinquiteafuriousmanner(whereofweareproud),andthelampsshakeinthewind,andthebellsofCalaisstrikingOneseemtosendtheirvibrationsstrugglingagainsttroubledair,aswehavecomestrugglingagainsttroubledwater.Andnow,inthesuddenreliefandwipingoffaces,everybodyonboardseemstohavehadaprodigiousdouble-toothout,andtobethisveryinstantfreeoftheDentist’shands.Andnowweallknowforthefirsttimehowwetandcoldweare,andhowsaltweare;andnowIloveCalaiswithmyheartofhearts!

‘HôtelDessin!’(butinthisonecaseitisnotavocalcry;itisbutabrightlustreintheeyesofthecheeryrepresentativeofthatbestofinns).‘HôtelMeurice!’‘HôteldeFrance!’‘HôteldeCalais!’‘TheRoyalHotel,Sir,Angaisheouse!’‘YougoingtoParry,Sir?’‘Yourbaggage,registairfroo,Sir?’Blessye,myTouters,blessye,mycommissionaires,blessye,myhungry-eyedmysteriesincapsofamilitaryform,whoarealwayshere,dayornight,fairweatherorfoul,seekinginscrutablejobswhichIneverseeyouget!Blessye,myCustomHouseofficersingreenandgrey;permitmetograspthewelcomehandsthatdescendintomytravelling-bag,oneoneachside,andmeetatthebottomtogivemychangeoflinenapeculiarshakeup,asifitwereameasureofchafforgrain!Ihavenothingtodeclare,MonsieurleDouanier,exceptthatwhenIceasetobreathe,Calaiswillbefoundwrittenonmyheart.NoarticleliabletolocaldutyhaveIwithme,Monsieurl’Officierdel’Octroi,unlesstheoverflowingofabreastdevotedtoyourcharmingtownshouldbeinthatwisechargeable.Ah!seeatthegangwaybythetwinklinglantern,mydearestbrotherandfriend,heonceofthePassportOffice,hewhocollectsthenames!Mayhebeforeverchangelessinhisbuttonedblacksurtout,withhisnote-bookinhishand,andhistallblackhat,surmountinghisround,smiling,patientface!Letusembrace,mydearestbrother.Iamyoursàtoutjamais—forthewholeofever.

Calaisupanddoingattherailwaystation,andCalaisdownanddreaminginitsbed;Calaiswithsomethingof‘anancientandfish-likesmell’aboutit,andCalaisblownandsea-washedpure;CalaisrepresentedattheBuffetbysavouryroastfowls,hotcoffee,cognac,andBordeaux;andCalaisrepresentedeverywherebyflittingpersonswithamonomaniaforchangingmoney—thoughInevershallbeabletounderstandinmypresentstateofexistencehowtheylivebyit,butIsupposeIshould,ifIunderstoodthecurrencyquestion—Calaisengros,andCalaisendétail,forgiveonewhohasdeeplywrongedyou.—Iwasnotfullyawareofitontheotherside,butImeantDover.

Ding,ding!Tothecarriages,gentlementhetravellers.Ascendthen,gentlementhetravellers,forHazebroucke,Lille,Douai,Bruxelles,Arras,Amiens,andParis!I,humblerepresentativeoftheuncommercialinterest,ascendwiththerest.Thetrainislightto-night,andIsharemycompartmentwithbuttwofellow-travellers;one,acompatriotinanobsoletecravat,whothinksitaquiteunaccountablethingthattheydon’tkeep‘Londontime’onaFrenchrailway,andwhoismadeangrybymymodestlysuggestingthepossibilityofParistimebeingmoreintheirway;theother,ayoungpriest,withaverysmallbirdinaverysmallcage,whofeedsthesmallbirdwithaquill,andthenputshimupinthenetworkabovehishead,whereheadvancestwittering,tohisfrontwires,andseemstoaddressmeinanelectioneeringmanner.Thecompatriot(whocrossedintheboat,andwhomIjudgetobesomepersonofdistinction,ashewasshutup,likeastatelyspeciesofrabbit,inaprivatehutchondeck)andtheyoungpriest(whojoinedusatCalais)aresoonasleep,andthenthebirdandIhaveitalltoourselves.

Astormynightstill;anightthatsweepsthewiresoftheelectrictelegraphwithawildandfitfulhand;anightsoverystormy,withtheaddedstormofthetrain-progressthroughit,thatwhentheGuardcomesclamberingroundtomarktheticketswhileweareatfullspeed(areallyhorribleperformanceinanexpresstrain,thoughheholdsontotheopenwindowbyhiselbowsinthemostdeliberatemanner),hestandsinsuchawhirlwindthatIgriphimfastbythecollar,andfeelitnexttomanslaughtertolethimgo.Still,whenheisgone,thesmall,smallbirdremainsathisfrontwiresfeeblytwitteringtome—twitteringandtwittering,until,leaningbackinmyplaceandlookingathimindrowsyfascination,Ifindthatheseemstojogmymemoryaswerushalong.

Uncommercialtravels(thusthesmall,smallbird)havelainintheiridlethriftlesswaythroughallthisrangeofswampanddyke,asthroughmanyotheroddplaces;andabouthere,asyouverywellknow,arethequeeroldstonefarm-houses,approachedbydrawbridges,andthewindmillsthatyougetatbyboats.Here,arethelandswherethewomenhoeanddig,paddlingcanoe-wisefromfieldtofield,andherearethecabaretsandotherpeasant-houseswherethestonedove-cotesinthelitteredyardsareasstrongaswarders’towersinoldcastles.Here,arethelongmonotonousmilesofcanal,withthegreatDutch-builtbargesgarishlypainted,andthetowinggirls,sometimesharnessedbytheforehead,sometimesbythegirdleandtheshoulders,notapleasantsighttosee.ScatteredthroughthiscountryaremightyworksofVAUBAN,whomyouknowabout,andregimentsofsuchcorporalsasyouheardofonceuponatime,andmanyablue-eyedBebelle.Throughtheseflatdistricts,intheshiningsummerdays,walkthoselong,grotesquefilesofyoungnovicesinenormousshovel-hats,whomyourememberblackeningthegroundcheckeredbytheavenuesofleafytrees.AndnowthatHazebrouckeslumberscertainkilometresahead,recallthesummereveningwhenyour

dustyfeetstrollingupfromthestationtendedhap-hazardtoaFairthere,wheretheoldestinhabitantswerecirclingroundandroundabarrel-organonhobby-horses,withthegreatestgravity,andwheretheprincipalshowintheFairwasaReligiousRichardson’s—literally,onitsownannouncementingreatletters,THEATRERELIGIEUX.InwhichimprovingTemple,thedramaticrepresentationwasof‘alltheinterestingeventsinthelifeofourLord,fromtheMangertotheTomb;’theprincipalfemalecharacter,withoutanyreservationorexception,beingatthemomentofyourarrival,engagedintrimmingtheexternalModerators(asitwasgrowingdusk),whilethenextprincipalfemalecharactertookthemoney,andtheYoungSaintJohndisportedhimselfupsidedownontheplatform.

Lookingupatthispointtoconfirmthesmall,smallbirdineveryparticularhehasmentioned,Ifindhehasceasedtotwitter,andhasputhisheadunderhiswing.Therefore,inmydifferentwayIfollowthegoodexample.

XIXSOMERECOLLECTIONSOFMORTALITY

IHADpartedfromthesmallbirdatsomewhereaboutfouro’clockinthemorning,whenhehadgotoutatArras,andhadbeenreceivedbytwoshovel-hatsinwaitingatthestation,whopresentedanappropriatelyornithologicalandcrow-likeappearance.MycompatriotandIhadgoneontoParis;mycompatriotenlighteningmeoccasionallywithalonglistoftheenormousgrievancesofFrenchrailwaytravelling:everyoneofwhich,asIamasinner,wasperfectlynewtome,thoughIhaveasmuchexperienceofFrenchrailwaysasmostuncommercials.Ihadlefthimattheterminus(throughhisconviction,againstallexplanationandremonstrance,thathisbaggage-ticketwashispassenger-ticket),insistinginaveryhightempertothefunctionaryonduty,thatinhisownpersonalidentityhewasfourpackagesweighingsomanykilogrammes—asifhehadbeenCassimBaba!Ihadbathedandbreakfasted,andwasstrollingonthebrightquays.Thesubjectofmymeditationswasthequestionwhetheritispositivelyintheessenceandnatureofthings,asacertainschoolofBritonswouldseemtothinkit,thataCapitalmustbeensnaredandenslavedbeforeitcanbemadebeautiful:whenIliftedupmyeyesandfoundthatmyfeet,strayinglikemymind,hadbroughtmetoNotre-Dame.

Thatistosay,Notre-Damewasbeforeme,buttherewasalargeopenspacebetweenus.Averylittlewhilegone,Ihadleftthatspacecoveredwithbuildingsdenselycrowded;andnowitwasclearedforsomenewwonderinthewayofpublicStreet,Place,Garden,Fountain,orallfour.OnlytheobscenelittleMorgue,slinkingonthebrinkoftheriverandsoontocomedown,wasleftthere,lookingmortallyashamedofitself,andsupremelywicked.Ihadbutglancedatthisoldacquaintance,whenIbeheldanairyprocessioncomingroundinfrontofNotre-Dame,pastthegreathospital.IthadsomethingofaMasaniellolook,withflutteringstripedcurtainsinthemidstofit,anditcamedancingroundthecathedralintheliveliestmanner.

IwasspeculatingonamarriageinBlouse-life,oraChristening,orsomeotherdomesticfestivitywhichIwouldseeout,whenIfound,fromthetalkofaquickrushofBlousespastme,thatitwasaBodycomingtotheMorgue.Havingneverbeforechanceduponthisinitiation,IconstitutedmyselfaBlouselikewise,andranintotheMorguewiththerest.Itwasaverymuddyday,andwetookinaquantityofmirewithus,andtheprocessioncominginuponourheelsbroughtaquantitymore.Theprocessionwasinthehighestspirits,andconsistedofidlerswhohadcomewiththecurtainedlitterfromitsstarting-place,andofallthereinforcementsithadpickedupbytheway.ItsetthelitterdowninthemidstoftheMorgue,andthentwoCustodiansproclaimedaloudthatwewereall‘invited’togoout.Thisinvitationwasrenderedthemorepressing,ifnotthemoreflattering,byourbeingshovedout,andthefolding-gatesbeingbarreduponus.

ThosewhohaveneverseentheMorgue,mayseeitperfectly,bypresentingtothemselves

onindifferentlypavedcoach-houseaccessiblefromthestreetbyapairoffolding-gates;ontheleftofthecoach-house,occupyingitswidth,anylargeLondontailor’sorlinendraper’splate-glasswindowreachingtotheground;withinthewindow,ontworowsofinclinedplane,whatthecoach-househastoshow;hangingabove,likeirregularstalactitesfromtheroofofacave,aquantityofclothes—theclothesofthedeadandburiedshowsofthecoach-house.

WehadbeenexcitedinthehighestdegreebyseeingtheCustodianspullofftheircoatsandtuckuptheirshirt-sleeves,astheprocessioncamealong.Itlookedsointerestinglylikebusiness.Shutoutinthemuddystreet,wenowbecamequiteravenoustoknowallaboutit.Wasitriver,pistol,knife,love,gambling,robbery,hatred,howmanystabs,howmanybullets,freshordecomposed,suicideormurder?Allwedgedtogether,andallstaringatoneanotherwithourheadsthrustforward,wepropoundedtheseinquiriesandahundredmoresuch.Imperceptibly,itcametobeknownthatMonsieurthetallandsallowmasonyonder,wasacquaintedwiththefacts.WouldMonsieurthetallandsallowmason,surgedatbyanewwaveofus,havethegoodnesstoimpart?Itwasbutapooroldman,passingalongthestreetunderoneofthenewbuildings,onwhomastonehadfallen,andwhohadtumbleddead.Hisage?Anotherwavesurgedupagainstthetallandsallowmason,andourwavesweptonandbroke,andhewasanyagefromsixty-fivetoninety.

Anoldmanwasnotmuch:moreover,wecouldhavewishedhehadbeenkilledbyhumanagency—hisown,orsomebodyelse’s:thelatter,preferable—butourcomfortwas,thathehadnothingabouthimtoleadtohisidentification,andthathispeoplemustseekhimhere.Perhapstheywerewaitingdinnerforhimevennow?Welikedthat.Suchofusashadpocket-handkerchiefstookaslow,intense,protractedwipeatournoses,andthencrammedourhandkerchiefsintothebreastofourblouses.Othersofuswhohadnohandkerchiefsadministeredasimilarrelieftoouroverwroughtminds,bymeansofprolongedsmearsorwipesofourmouthsonoursleeves.Onemanwithagloomymalformationofbrow—ahomicidalworkerinwhite-lead,tojudgefromhisbluetoneofcolour,andacertainflavourofparalysispervadinghim—gothiscoat-collarbetweenhisteeth,andbitatitwithanappetite.Severaldecentwomenarrivedupontheoutskirtsofthecrowd,andpreparedtolaunchthemselvesintothedismalcoach-housewhenopportunityshouldcome;amongthem,aprettyyoungmother,pretendingtobitetheforefingerofherbaby-boy,keptitbetweenherrosylipsthatitmightbehandyforguidingtopointattheshow.Meantime,allfaceswereturnedtowardsthebuilding,andwemenwaitedwithafixedandsternresolution:—forthemostpartwithfoldedarms.Surely,itwastheonlypublicFrenchsighttheseuncommercialeyeshadseen,atwhichtheexpectantpeopledidnotformenqueue.Buttherewasnosuchorderofarrangementhere;nothingbutageneraldeterminationtomakearushforit,andadispositiontoobjecttosomeboyswhohadmountedonthetwostonepostsbythehingesofthegates,withthedesignofswoopinginwhenthehingesshouldturn.

Now,theyturned,andwerushed!Greatpressure,andascreamortwofromthefront.Thenalaughortwo,someexpressionsofdisappointment,andaslackeningofthepressureandsubsidenceofthestruggle.—Oldmannotthere.

‘Butwhatwouldyouhave?’theCustodianreasonablyargues,ashelooksoutathislittledoor.‘Patience,patience!Wemakehistoilette,gentlemen.Hewillbeexposed

presently.Itisnecessarytoproceedaccordingtorule.Histoiletteisnotmadeallatablow.Hewillbeexposedingoodtime,gentlemen,ingoodtime.’Andsoretires,smoking,withawaveofhissleevelessarmtowardsthewindow,importing,‘Entertainyourselvesinthemeanwhilewiththeothercuriosities.FortunatelytheMuseumisnotemptyto-day.’

WhowouldhavethoughtofpublicficklenessevenattheMorgue?Butthereitwas,onthatoccasion.Threelatelypopulararticlesthathadbeenattractinggreatlywhenthelitterwasfirstdescriedcomingdancingroundthecornerbythegreatcathedral,weresocompletelydeposednow,thatnobodysavetwolittlegirls(oneshowingthemtoadoll)wouldlookatthem.Yetthechiefofthethree,thearticleinthefrontrow,hadreceivedjaggedinjuryofthelefttemple;andtheothertwointhebackrow,thedrownedtwolyingsidebysidewiththeirheadsveryslightlyturnedtowardseachother,seemedtobecomparingnotesaboutit.Indeed,thosetwoofthebackrowweresofurtiveofappearance,andso(intheirpuffedway)assassinatinglyknowingastotheoneofthefront,thatitwashardtothinkthethreehadnevercometogetherintheirlives,andwereonlychancecompanionsafterdeath.Whetherornothiswasthegeneral,asitwastheuncommercial,fancy,itisnottobedisputedthatthegrouphaddrawnexceedinglywithintenminutes.Yetnow,theinconstantpublicturneditsbackuponthem,andevenleaneditselbowscarelesslyagainstthebaroutsidethewindowandshookoffthemudfromitsshoes,andalsolentandborrowedfireforpipes.

Custodianre-entersfromhisdoor.‘Againonce,gentlemen,youareinvited—’Nofurtherinvitationnecessary.Readydashintothestreet.Toilettefinished.Oldmancomingout.

Thistime,theinterestwasgrowntoohottoadmitoftolerationoftheboysonthestoneposts.Thehomicidalwhite-leadworkermadeapounceupononeboywhowashoistinghimselfup,andbroughthimtoearthamidstgeneralcommendation.Closelystowedaswewere,weyetformedintogroups—groupsofconversation,withoutseparationfromthemass—todiscusstheoldman.Rivalsofthetallandsallowmasonsprangintobeing,andhereagainwaspopularinconstancy.Theserivalsattractedaudiences,andweregreedilylistenedto;andwhereastheyhadderivedtheirinformationsolelyfromthetallandsallowone,officiousmembersofthecrowdnowsoughttoenlightenhimontheirauthority.Changedbythissocialexperienceintoaniron-visagedandinveteratemisanthrope,themasonglaredatmankind,andevidentlycherishedinhisbreastthewishthatthewholeofthepresentcompanycouldchangeplaceswiththedeceasedoldman.Andnowlistenersbecameinattentive,andpeoplemadeastartforwardataslightsound,andanunholyfirekindledinthepubliceye,andthosenextthegatesbeatatthemimpatiently,asiftheywereofthecannibalspeciesandhungry.

Againthehingescreaked,andwerushed.Disorderlypressureforsometimeensuedbeforetheuncommercialunitgotfiguredintothefrontrowofthesum.Itwasstrangetoseesomuchheatanduproarseethingaboutonepoorspare,white-hairedoldman,quietforevermore.Hewascalmoffeatureandundisfigured,ashelayonhisback—havingbeenstruckuponthehinderpartofhishead,andthrownforward—andsomethinglikeatearortwohadstartedfromtheclosedeyes,andlaywetupontheface.Theuncommercialinterest,satedataglance,directeditselfuponthestrivingcrowdoneithersideandbehind:wonderingwhetheronemighthaveguessed,fromtheexpressionofthose

facesmerely,whatkindofsighttheywerelookingat.Thedifferencesofexpressionwerenotmany.Therewasalittlepity,butnotmuch,andthatmostlywithaselfishtouchinit—aswhowouldsay,‘ShallI,poorI,looklikethat,whenthetimecomes!’Therewasmoreofasecretlybroodingcontemplationandcuriosity,as‘ThatmanIdon’tlike,andhavethegrudgeagainst;wouldsuchbehisappearance,ifsomeone—nottomentionnames—byanychancegavehimanknock?’Therewasawolfishstareattheobject,inwhichhomicidalwhite-leadworkershoneconspicuous.Andtherewasamuchmoregeneral,purposeless,vacantstaringatit—likelookingatwaxwork,withoutacatalogue,andnotknowingwhattomakeofit.Butalltheseexpressionsconcurredinpossessingtheoneunderlyingexpressionoflookingatsomethingthatcouldnotreturnalook.Theuncommercialnoticehadestablishedthisasveryremarkable,whenanewpressureallatoncecomingupfromthestreetpinionedhimignominiously,andhurriedhimintothearms(nowsleevedagain)oftheCustodiansmokingathisdoor,andansweringquestions,betweenpuffs,withacertainplacidmeritoriousairofnotbeingproud,thoughhighinoffice.Andmentioningpride,itmaybeobserved,bytheway,thatonecouldnotwellhelpinvestingtheoriginalsoleoccupantofthefrontrowwithanairdepreciatoryofthelegitimateattractionofthepooroldman:whilethetwointhesecondrowseemedtoexultatthissupersededpopularity.

PacingpresentlyroundthegardenoftheTowerofSt.JacquesdelaBoucherie,andpresentlyagaininfrontoftheHôteldeVille,Icalledtomindacertaindesolateopen-airMorguethatIhappenedtolightuponinLondon,onedayinthehardwinterof1861,andwhichseemedasstrangetome,atthetimeofseeingit,asifIhadfounditinChina.Towardsthathourofawinter’safternoonwhenthelamp-lightersarebeginningtolightthelampsinthestreetsalittlebeforetheyarewanted,becausethedarknessthickensfastandsoon,IwaswalkinginfromthecountryonthenorthernsideoftheRegent’sPark—hardfrozenanddeserted—whenIsawanemptyHansomcabdriveuptothelodgeatGloucester-gate,andthedriverwithgreatagitationcalltothemanthere:whoquicklyreachedalongpolefromatree,and,deftlycollaredbythedriver,jumpedtothestepofhislittleseat,andsotheHansomrattledoutatthegate,gallopingovertheiron-boundroad.Ifollowedrunning,thoughnotsofastbutthatwhenIcametotheright-handCanalBridge,nearthecross-pathtoChalkFarm,theHansomwasstationary,thehorsewassmokinghot,thelongpolewasidleontheground,andthedriverandthepark-keeperwerelookingoverthebridgeparapet.Lookingovertoo,Isaw,lyingonthetowing-pathwithherfaceturneduptowardsus,awoman,deadadayortwo,andunderthirty,asIguessed,poorlydressedinblack.Thefeetwerelightlycrossedattheankles,andthedarkhair,allpushedbackfromtheface,asthoughthathadbeenthelastactionofherdesperatehands,streamedovertheground.Dabbledallabouther,wasthewaterandthebrokenicethathaddroppedfromherdress,andhadsplashedasshewasgotout.Thepolicemanwhohadjustgotherout,andthepassingcostermongerwhohadhelpedhim,werestandingnearthebody;thelatterwiththatstareatitwhichIhavelikenedtobeingatawaxworkexhibitionwithoutacatalogue;theformer,lookingoverhisstock,withprofessionalstiffnessandcoolness,inthedirectioninwhichthebearershehadsentforwereexpected.Sodreadfullyforlorn,sodreadfullysad,sodreadfullymysterious,thisspectacleofourdearsisterheredeparted!Abargecameup,breakingthefloatingiceandthesilence,andawomansteeredit.Themanwiththehorsethattowedit,caredsolittleforthebody,thatthestumblinghoofshadbeenamongthehair,andthetow-ropehadcaughtandturnedthe

head,beforeourcryofhorrortookhimtothebridle.Atwhichsoundthesteeringwomanlookedupatusonthebridge,withcontemptunutterable,andthenlookingdownatthebodywithasimilarexpression—asifitweremadeinanotherlikenessfromherself,hadbeeninformedwithotherpassions,hadbeenlostbyotherchances,hadhadanothernaturedraggeddowntoperdition—steeredaspurningstreakofmudatit,andpassedon.

Abetterexperience,butalsooftheMorguekind,inwhichchancehappilymademeusefulinaslightdegree,arosetomyremembranceasItookmywaybytheBoulevarddeSébastopoltothebrighterscenesofParis.

Thethinghappened,sayfive-and-twentyyearsago.Iwasamodestyounguncommercialthen,andtimidandinexperienced.Manysunsandwindshavebrownedmeintheline,butthoseweremypaledays.Havingnewlytakentheleaseofahouseinacertaindistinguishedmetropolitanparish—ahousewhichthenappearedtometobeafrightfullyfirst-classFamilyMansion,involvingawfulresponsibilities—IbecamethepreyofaBeadle.IthinktheBeadlemusthaveseenmegoinginorcomingout,andmusthaveobservedthatItotteredundertheweightofmygrandeur.OrhemayhavebeeninhidingunderstrawwhenIboughtmyfirsthorse(inthedesirablestable-yardattachedtothefirst-classFamilyMansion),andwhenthevendorremarkedtome,inanoriginalmanner,onbringinghimforapproval,takinghisclothoffandsmackinghim,‘There,Sir!There’saOrse!’AndwhenIsaidgallantly,‘Howmuchdoyouwantforhim?’andwhenthevendorsaid,‘Nomorethansixtyguineas,fromyou,’andwhenIsaidsmartly,‘Whynotmorethansixtyfromme?’Andwhenhesaidcrushingly,‘Becauseuponmysoulandbodyhe’dbeconsideredcheapatseventy,byonewhounderstoodthesubject—butyoudon’t.’—Isay,theBeadlemayhavebeeninhidingunderstraw,whenthisdisgracebefellme,orhemayhavenotedthatIwastoorawandyounganAtlastocarrythefirst-classFamilyMansioninaknowingmanner.Bethisasitmay,theBeadledidwhatMelancholydidtotheyouthinGray’sElegy—hemarkedmeforhisown.AndthewayinwhichtheBeadledidit,wasthis:hesummonedmeasaJurymanonhisCoroner’sInquests.

InmyfirstfeverishalarmIrepaired‘forsafetyandforsuccour’—likethosesagaciousNorthernshepherdswho,havinghadnopreviousreasonwhatevertobelieveinyoungNorval,veryprudentlydidnotoriginatethehazardousideaofbelievinginhim—toadeephouseholder.ThisprofoundmaninformedmethattheBeadlecountedonmybuyinghimoff;onmybribinghimnottosummonme;andthatifIwouldattendanInquestwithacheerfulcountenance,andprofessalacrityinthatbranchofmycountry’sservice,theBeadlewouldbedisheartened,andwouldgiveupthegame.

Irousedmyenergies,andthenexttimethewilyBeadlesummonedme,Iwent.TheBeadlewastheblankestBeadleIhaveeverlookedonwhenIansweredtomyname;andhisdiscomfituregavemecouragetogothroughwithit.

Wewereimpanelledtoinquireconcerningthedeathofaverylittlemiteofachild.Itwastheoldmiserablestory.Whetherthemotherhadcommittedtheminoroffenceofconcealingthebirth,orwhethershehadcommittedthemajoroffenceofkillingthechild,wasthequestiononwhichwewerewanted.Wemustcommitherononeofthetwoissues.

TheInquestcameoffintheparishworkhouse,andIhaveyetalivelyimpressionthatI

wasunanimouslyreceivedbymybrotherJurymenasabrotheroftheutmostconceivableinsignificance.Also,thatbeforewebegan,abrokerwhohadlatelycheatedmefearfullyinthematterofapairofcard-tables,wasfortheutmostrigourofthelaw.Irememberthatwesatinasortofboard-room,onsuchverylargesquarehorse-hairchairsthatIwonderedwhatraceofPatagonianstheyweremadefor;andfurther,thatanundertakergavemehiscardwhenwewereinthefullmoralfreshnessofhavingjustbeensworn,as‘aninhabitantthatwasnewlycomeintotheparish,andwaslikelytohaveayoungfamily.’ThecasewasthenstatedtousbytheCoroner,andthenwewentdown-stairs—ledbytheplottingBeadle—toviewthebody.Fromthatdaytothis,thepoorlittlefigure,onwhichthatsoundinglegalappellationwasbestowed,haslaininthesameplaceandwiththesamesurroundings,tomythinking.Inakindofcryptdevotedtothewarehousingoftheparochialcoffins,andinthemidstofaperfectPanoramaofcoffinsofallsizes,itwasstretchedonabox;themotherhadputitinherbox—thisbox—almostassoonasitwasborn,andithadbeenpresentlyfoundthere.Ithadbeenopened,andneatlysewnup,andregardedfromthatpointofview,itlookedlikeastuffedcreature.Itrestedonacleanwhitecloth,withasurgicalinstrumentorsoathand,andregardedfromthatpointofview,itlookedasiftheclothwere‘laid,’andtheGiantwerecomingtodinner.Therewasnothingrepellentaboutthepoorpieceofinnocence,anditdemandedamereformoflookingat.So,welookedatanoldpauperwhowasgoingaboutamongthecoffinswithafootrule,asifhewereacaseofSelf-Measurement;andwelookedatoneanother;andwesaidtheplacewaswellwhitewashedanyhow;andthenourconversationalpowersasaBritishJuryflagged,andtheforemansaid,‘Allright,gentlemen?Backagain,Mr.Beadle!’

Themiserableyoungcreaturewhohadgivenbirthtothischildwithinaveryfewdays,andwhohadcleanedthecoldwetdoor-stepsimmediatelyafterwards,wasbroughtbeforeuswhenweresumedourhorse-hairchairs,andwaspresentduringtheproceedings.Shehadahorse-hairchairherself,beingveryweakandill;andIrememberhowsheturnedtotheunsympatheticnursewhoattendedher,andwhomighthavebeenthefigure-headofapauper-ship,andhowshehidherfaceandsobsandtearsuponthatwoodenshoulder.Iremember,too,howhardhermistresswasuponher(shewasaservant-of-all-work),andwithwhatacruelpertinacitythatpieceofVirtuespunherthreadofevidencedouble,byintertwistingitwiththesternestthreadofconstruction.Smittenhardbytheterriblelowwailfromtheutterlyfriendlessorphangirl,whichneverceasedduringthewholeinquiry,Itookhearttoaskthiswitnessaquestionortwo,whichhopefullyadmittedofananswerthatmightgiveafavourableturntothecase.Shemadetheturnaslittlefavourableasitcouldbe,butitdidsomegood,andtheCoroner,whowasnoblypatientandhumane(hewasthelateMr.Wakley),castalookofstrongencouragementinmydirection.Then,wehadthedoctorwhohadmadetheexamination,andtheusualtestsastowhetherthechildwasbornalive;buthewasatimid,muddle-headeddoctor,andgotconfusedandcontradictory,andwouldn’tsaythis,andcouldn’tanswerforthat,andtheimmaculatebrokerwastoomuchforhim,andoursideslidbackagain.However,Itriedagain,andtheCoronerbackedmeagain,forwhichIeverafterwardsfeltgratefultohimasIdonowtohismemory;andwegotanotherfavourableturn,outofsomeotherwitness,somememberofthefamilywithastrongprepossessionagainstthesinner;andIthinkwehadthedoctorbackagain;andIknowthattheCoronersummedupforourside,andthatIandmyBritishbrothersturnedroundtodiscussourverdict,andgetourselvesintogreat

difficultieswithourlargechairsandthebroker.AtthatstageofthecaseItriedhardagain,beingconvincedthatIhadcauseforit;andatlastwefoundfortheminoroffenceofonlyconcealingthebirth;andthepoordesolatecreature,whohadbeentakenoutduringourdeliberation,beingbroughtinagaintobetoldoftheverdict,thendroppeduponherkneesbeforeus,withprotestationsthatwewereright—protestationsamongthemostaffectingthatIhaveeverheardinmylife—andwascarriedawayinsensible.

(Inprivateconversationafterthiswasallover,theCoronershowedmehisreasonsasatrainedsurgeon,forperceivingittobeimpossiblethatthechildcould,underthemostfavourablecircumstances,havedrawnmanybreaths,intheverydoubtfulcaseofitshavingeverbreathedatall;this,owingtothediscoveryofsomeforeignmatterinthewindpipe,quiteirreconcilablewithmanymomentsoflife.)

Whentheagonisedgirlhadmadethosefinalprotestations,Ihadseenherface,anditwasinunisonwithherdistractedheartbrokenvoice,anditwasverymoving.Itcertainlydidnotimpressmebyanybeautythatithad,andifIeverseeitagaininanotherworldIshallonlyknowitbythehelpofsomenewsenseorintelligence.Butitcametomeinmysleepthatnight,andIselfishlydismisseditinthemostefficientwayIcouldthinkof.Icausedsomeextracaretobetakenofherintheprison,andcounseltoberetainedforherdefencewhenshewastriedattheOldBailey;andhersentencewaslenient,andherhistoryandconductprovedthatitwasright.IndoingthelittleIdidforher,Iremembertohavehadthekindhelpofsomegentle-heartedfunctionarytowhomIaddressedmyself—butwhatfunctionaryIhavelongforgotten—whoIsupposewasofficiallypresentattheInquest.

Iregardthisasaverynotableuncommercialexperience,becausethisgoodcameofaBeadle.Andtothebestofmyknowledge,information,andbelief,itistheonlygoodthateverdidcomeofaBeadlesincethefirstBeadleputonhiscocked-hat.

XXBIRTHDAYCELEBRATIONS

ITcameintomymindthatIwouldrecallinthesenotesafewofthemanyhostelriesIhaverestedatinthecourseofmyjourneys;and,indeed,Ihadtakenupmypenforthepurpose,whenIwasbaffledbyanaccidentalcircumstance.Itwasthehavingtoleaveoff,towishtheownerofacertainbrightfacethatlookedinatmydoor,‘manyhappyreturnsoftheday.’Thereuponanewthoughtcameintomymind,drivingitspredecessorout,andIbegantorecall—insteadofInns—thebirthdaysthatIhaveputupat,onmywaytothispresentsheetofpaper.

Icanverywellrememberbeingtakenouttovisitsomepeach-facedcreatureinabluesash,andshoestocorrespond,whoselifeIsupposedtoconsistentirelyofbirthdays.Uponseed-cake,sweetwine,andshiningpresents,thatglorifiedyoungpersonseemedtometobeexclusivelyreared.AtsoearlyastageofmytravelsdidIassistattheanniversaryofhernativity(andbecomeenamouredofher),thatIhadnotyetacquiredthereconditeknowledgethatabirthdayisthecommonpropertyofallwhoareborn,butsupposedittobeaspecialgiftbestowedbythefavouringHeavensonthatonedistinguishedinfant.Therewasnoothercompany,andwesatinashadybower—underatable,asmybetter(orworse)knowledgeleadsmetobelieve—andwereregaledwithsaccharinesubstancesandliquids,untilitwastimetopart.Abitterpowderwasadministeredtomenextmorning,andIwaswretched.Onthewhole,aprettyaccurateforeshadowingofmymorematureexperiencesinsuchwise!

Thencamethetimewhen,inseparablefromone’sownbirthday,wasacertainsenseofmerit,aconsciousnessofwell-earneddistinction.WhenIregardedmybirthdayasagracefulachievementofmyown,amonumentofmyperseverance,independence,andgoodsense,redoundinggreatlytomyhonour.ThiswasatabouttheperiodwhenOlympiaSquiresbecameinvolvedintheanniversary.Olympiawasmostbeautiful(ofcourse),andIlovedhertothatdegree,thatIusedtobeobligedtogetoutofmylittlebedinthenight,expresslytoexclaimtoSolitude,‘O,OlympiaSquires!’VisionsofOlympia,clothedentirelyinsage-green,fromwhichIinferadefectivelyeducatedtasteonthepartofherrespectedparents,whowerenecessarilyunacquaintedwiththeSouthKensingtonMuseum,stillarisebeforeme.Truthissacred,andthevisionsarecrownedbyashiningwhitebeaverbonnet,impossiblysuggestiveofalittlefemininepostboy.MymemorypresentsabirthdaywhenOlympiaandIweretakenbyanunfeelingrelative—somecrueluncle,orthelike—toaslowtorturecalledanOrrery.TheterribleinstrumentwassetupatthelocalTheatre,andIhadexpressedaprofanewishinthemorningthatitwasaPlay:forwhichaseriousaunthadprobedmyconsciencedeep,andmypocketdeeper,byreclaimingabestowedhalf-crown.ItwasavenerableandashabbyOrrery,atleastonethousandstarsandtwenty-fivecometsbehindtheage.Nevertheless,itwasawful.Whenthelow-spiritedgentlemanwithawandsaid,‘Ladiesandgentlemen’(meaningparticularlyOlympiaandme),‘thelightsareabouttobeputout,butthereisnottheslightestcauseforalarm,’itwasveryalarming.Thentheplanetsandstarsbegan.

Sometimestheywouldn’tcomeon,sometimestheywouldn’tgooff,sometimestheyhadholesinthem,andmostlytheydidn’tseemtobegoodlikenesses.Allthistimethegentlemanwiththewandwasgoingoninthedark(tappingawayattheheavenlybodiesbetweenwhiles,likeawearisomewoodpecker),aboutasphererevolvingonitsownaxiseighthundredandninety-seventhousandmillionsoftimes—ormiles—intwohundredandsixty-threethousandfivehundredandtwenty-fourmillionsofsomethingelses,untilIthoughtifthiswasabirthdayitwerebetternevertohavebeenborn.Olympia,also,becamemuchdepressed,andwebothslumberedandwokecross,andstillthegentlemanwasgoingoninthedark—whetherupinthestars,ordownonthestage,itwouldhavebeenhardtomakeout,ifithadbeenworthtrying—cypheringawayaboutplanesoforbits,tosuchaninfamousextentthatOlympia,stungtomadness,actuallykickedme.Aprettybirthdayspectacle,whenthelightswereturnedupagain,andalltheschoolsinthetown(includingtheNational,whohadcomeinfornothing,andservethemright,fortheywerealwaysthrowingstones)werediscoveredwithexhaustedcountenances,screwingtheirknucklesintotheireyes,orclutchingtheirheadsofhair.AprettybirthdayspeechwhenDr.SleekoftheCity-Freebobbeduphispowderedheadinthestage-box,andsaidthatbeforethisassemblydispersedhereallymustbegtoexpresshisentireapprovalofalectureasimproving,asinforming,asdevoidofanythingthatcouldcallablushintothecheekofyouth,asanyithadeverbeenhislottoheardelivered.Aprettybirthdayaltogether,whenAstronomycouldn’tleavepoorSmallOlympiaSquiresandmealone,butmustputanendtoourloves!For,wenevergotoverit;thethreadbareOrreryoutworeourmutualtenderness;themanwiththewandwastoomuchfortheboywiththebow.

WhenshallIdisconnectthecombinedsmellsoforanges,brownpaper,andstraw,fromthoseotherbirthdaysatschool,whenthecominghampercastsitsshadowbefore,andwhenaweekofsocialharmony—shallIaddofadmiringandaffectionatepopularity—leduptothatInstitution?Whatnoblesentimentswereexpressedtomeinthedaysbeforethehamper,whatvowsoffriendshipweresworntome,whatexceedinglyoldknivesweregivenme,whatgenerousavowalsofhavingbeeninthewrongemanatedfromelseobstinatespiritsonceenrolledamongmyenemies!Thebirthdayofthepottedgameandguavajelly,isstillmadespecialtomebythenobleconductofBullyGlobson.LettersfromhomehadmysteriouslyinquiredwhetherIshouldbemuchsurprisedanddisappointedifamongthetreasuresinthecominghamperIdiscoveredpottedgame,andguavajellyfromtheWesternIndies.Ihadmentionedthosehintsinconfidencetoafewfriends,andhadpromisedtogiveaway,asInowseereasontobelieve,ahandsomecoveyofpartridgespotted,andaboutahundredweightofguavajelly.ItwasnowthatGlobson,Bullynomore,soughtmeoutintheplayground.Hewasabigfatboy,withabigfatheadandabigfatfist,andatthebeginningofthatHalfhadraisedsuchabumponmyforeheadthatIcouldn’tgetmyhatofstateon,togotochurch.Hesaidthatafteranintervalofcoolreflection(fourmonths)henowfeltthisblowtohavebeenanerrorofjudgment,andthathewishedtoapologiseforthesame.Notonlythat,butholdingdownhisbigheadbetweenhistwobighandsinorderthatImightreachitconveniently,herequestedme,asanactofjusticewhichwouldappeasehisawakenedconscience,toraisearetributivebumpuponit,inthepresenceofwitnesses.ThishandsomeproposalImodestlydeclined,andhethenembracedme,andwewalkedawayconversing.WeconversedrespectingtheWestIndiaIslands,and,inthepursuitofknowledgeheaskedmewithmuchinterestwhetherinthecourseofmyreadingIhadmetwithanyreliabledescriptionofthemodeof

manufacturingguavajelly;orwhetherIhadeverhappenedtotastethatconserve,whichhehadbeengiventounderstandwasofrareexcellence.

Seventeen,eighteen,nineteen,twenty;andthenwiththewaningmonthscameaneveraugmentingsenseofthedignityoftwenty-one.HeavenknowsIhadnothingto‘comeinto,’savethebarebirthday,andyetIesteemeditasagreatpossession.Inowandthenpavedthewaytomystateofdignity,bybeginningapropositionwiththecasualwords,‘saythatamanoftwenty-one,’orbytheincidentalassumptionofafactthatcouldnotsanelybedisputed,as,‘forwhenafellowcomestobeamanoftwenty-one.’Igaveapartyontheoccasion.Shewasthere.ItisunnecessarytonameHer,moreparticularly;ShewasolderthanI,andhadpervadedeverychinkandcreviceofmymindforthreeorfouryears.IhadheldvolumesofImaginaryConversationswithhermotheronthesubjectofourunion,andIhadwrittenlettersmoreinnumberthanHoraceWalpole’s,tothatdiscreetwoman,solicitingherdaughter’shandinmarriage.Ihadneverhadtheremotestintentionofsendinganyofthoseletters;buttowritethem,andafterafewdaystearthemup,hadbeenasublimeoccupation.Sometimes,Ihadbegun‘HonouredMadam.IthinkthataladygiftedwiththosepowersofobservationwhichIknowyoutopossess,andendowedwiththosewomanlysympathieswiththeyoungandardentwhichitweremorethanheresytodoubt,canscarcelyhavefailedtodiscoverthatIloveyouradorabledaughter,deeply,devotedly.’InlessbuoyantstatesofmindIhadbegun,‘Bearwithme,DearMadam,bearwithadaringwretchwhoisabouttomakeasurprisingconfessiontoyou,whollyunanticipatedbyyourself,andwhichhebeseechesyoutocommittotheflamesassoonasyouhavebecomeawaretowhatatoweringheighthismadambitionsoars.’Atothertimes—periodsofprofoundmentaldepression,whenShehadgoneouttoballswhereIwasnot—thedrafttooktheaffectingformofapapertobeleftonmytableaftermydeparturetotheconfinesoftheglobe.Asthus:‘ForMrs.Onowenever,theselineswhenthehandthattracesthemshallbefaraway.IcouldnotbearthedailytortureofhopelesslylovingthedearonewhomIwillnotname.BroilingonthecoastofAfrica,orcongealingontheshoresofGreenland,Iamfarfarbettertherethanhere.’(Inthissentimentmycoolerjudgmentperceivesthatthefamilyofthebelovedobjectwouldhavemostcompletelyconcurred.)‘IfIeveremergefromobscurity,andmynameiseverheraldedbyFame,itwillbeforherdearsake.IfIeveramassGold,itwillbetopouritatherfeet.ShouldIontheotherhandbecomethepreyofRavens—’IdoubtifIeverquitemadeupmymindwhatwastobedoneinthataffectingcase;Itried‘thenitisbetterso;’butnotfeelingconvincedthatitwouldbebetterso,Ivacillatedbetweenleavingallelseblank,whichlookedexpressiveandbleak,orwindingupwith‘Farewell!’

Thisfictitiouscorrespondenceofmineistoblamefortheforegoingdigression.Iwasabouttopursuethestatementthatonmytwenty-firstbirthdayIgaveaparty,andShewasthere.Itwasabeautifulparty.Therewasnotasingleanimateorinanimateobjectconnectedwithit(exceptthecompanyandmyself)thatIhadeverseenbefore.Everythingwashired,andthemercenariesinattendancewereprofoundstrangerstome.Behindadoor,inthecrumbypartofthenightwhenwine-glassesweretobefoundinunexpectedspots,IspoketoHer—spokeouttoHer.Whatpassed,Icannotasamanofhonourreveal.Shewasallangelicalgentleness,butawordwasmentioned—ashortanddreadfulwordofthreeletters,beginningwithaB—which,asIremarkedatthemoment,‘scorchedmybrain.’Shewentawaysoonafterwards,andwhenthehollowthrong

(thoughtobesureitwasnofaultoftheirs)dispersed,Iissuedforth,withadissipatedscorner,and,asImentionedexpresslytohim,‘soughtoblivion.’Itwasfound,withadreadfulheadacheinit,butitdidn’tlast;for,intheshaminglightofnextday’snoon,Iraisedmyheavyheadinbed,lookingbacktothebirthdaysbehindme,andtrackingthecirclebywhichIhadgotround,afterall,tothebitterpowderandthewretchednessagain.

Thisreactionarypowder(takensolargelybythehumanraceIaminclinedtoregarditastheUniversalMedicineoncesoughtforinLaboratories)iscapableofbeingmadeupinanotherformforbirthdayuse.Anybody’slong-lostbrotherwilldoilltoturnuponabirthday.IfIhadalong-lostbrotherIshouldknowbeforehandthathewouldproveatremendousfraternalfailureifheappointedtorushintomyarmsonmybirthday.ThefirstMagicLanternIeversaw,wassecretlyandelaboratelyplannedtobethegreateffectofaveryjuvenilebirthday;butitwouldn’tact,anditsimagesweredim.MyexperienceofadultbirthdayMagicLanternsmaypossiblyhavebeenunfortunate,buthascertainlybeensimilar.Ihaveanillustrativebirthdayinmyeye:abirthdayofmyfriendFlipfield,whosebirthdayshadlongbeenremarkableassocialsuccesses.Therehadbeennothingsetorformalaboutthem;Flipfieldhavingbeenaccustomedmerelytosay,twoorthreedaysbefore,‘Don’tforgettocomeanddine,oldboy,accordingtocustom;’—Idon’tknowwhathesaidtotheladiesheinvited,butImaysafelyassumeitnottohavebeen‘oldgirl.’Thoseweredelightfulgatherings,andwereenjoyedbyallparticipators.Inanevilhour,along-lostbrotherofFlipfield’scametolightinforeignparts.Wherehehadbeenhidden,orwhathehadbeendoing,Idon’tknow,forFlipfieldvaguelyinformedmethathehadturnedup‘onthebanksoftheGanges’—speakingofhimasifhehadbeenwashedashore.TheLong-lostwascominghome,andFlipfieldmadeanunfortunatecalculation,basedonthewell-knownregularityoftheP.andO.Steamers,thatmattersmightbesocontrivedasthattheLong-lostshouldappearinthenickoftimeonhis(Flipfield’s)birthday.DelicacycommandedthatIshouldrepressthegloomyanticipationswithwhichmysoulbecamefraughtwhenIheardofthisplan.Thefataldayarrived,andweassembledinforce.Mrs.Flipfieldseniorformedaninterestingfeatureinthegroup,withablue-veinedminiatureofthelateMr.Flipfieldroundherneck,inanoval,resemblingatartfromthepastrycook’s:hishairpowdered,andthebrightbuttonsonhiscoat,evidentlyverylike.ShewasaccompaniedbyMissFlipfield,theeldestofhernumerousfamily,whoheldherpocket-handkerchieftoherbosominamajesticmanner,andspoketoallofus(noneofushadeverseenherbefore),inpiousandcondoningtones,ofallthequarrelsthathadtakenplaceinthefamily,fromherinfancy—whichmusthavebeenalongtimeago—downtothathour.TheLong-lostdidnotappear.Dinner,halfanhourlaterthanusual,wasannounced,andstillnoLong-lost.Wesatdowntotable.TheknifeandforkoftheLong-lostmadeavacuuminNature,andwhenthechampagnecameroundforthefirsttime,Flipfieldgavehimupfortheday,andhadthemremoved.ItwasthenthattheLong-lostgainedtheheightofhispopularitywiththecompany;formyownpart,IfeltconvincedthatIlovedhimdearly.Flipfield’sdinnersareperfect,andheistheeasiestandbestofentertainers.Dinnerwentonbrilliantly,andthemoretheLong-lostdidn’tcome,themorecomfortablewegrew,andthemorehighlywethoughtofhim.Flipfield’sownman(whohasaregardforme)wasintheactofstrugglingwithanignorantstipendiary,towrestfromhimthewoodenlegofaGuinea-fowlwhichhewaspressingonmyacceptance,andtosubstituteasliceofthebreast,whenaringingatthedoor-bellsuspendedthestrife.Ilookedroundme,andperceivedthesuddenpallorwhichIknew

myownvisagerevealed,reflectedinthefacesofthecompany.Flipfieldhurriedlyexcusedhimself,wentout,wasabsentforaboutaminuteortwo,andthenre-enteredwiththeLong-lost.

IbegtosaydistinctlythatifthestrangerhadbroughtMontBlancwithhim,orhadcomeattendedbyaretinueofeternalsnows,hecouldnothavechilledthecircletothemarrowinamoreefficientmanner.EmbodiedFailuresatenthronedupontheLong-lost’sbrow,andpervadedhimtohisLong-lostboots.InvainMrs.Flipfieldsenior,openingherarms,exclaimed,‘MyTom!’andpressedhisnoseagainstthecounterfeitpresentmentofhisotherparent.InvainMissFlipfield,inthefirsttransportsofthisre-union,showedhimadintuponhermaidenlycheek,andaskedhimifherememberedwhenhedidthatwiththebellows?We,thebystanders,wereovercome,butovercomebythepalpable,undisguisable,utter,andtotalbreak-downoftheLong-lost.NothinghecouldhavedonewouldhavesethimrightwithusbuthisinstantreturntotheGanges.Intheverysamemomentsitbecameestablishedthatthefeelingwasreciprocal,andthattheLong-lostdetestedus.Whenafriendofthefamily(notmyself,uponmyhonour),wishingtosetthingsgoingagain,askedhim,whilehepartookofsoup—askedhimwithanamiabilityofintentionbeyondallpraise,butwithaweaknessofexecutionopentodefeat—whatkindofriverheconsideredtheGanges,theLong-lost,scowlingatthefriendofthefamilyoverhisspoon,asoneofanabhorrentrace,replied,‘Why,ariverofwater,Isuppose,’andspoonedhissoupintohimselfwithamalignancyofhandandeyethatblightedtheamiablequestioner.NotanopinioncouldbeelicitedfromtheLong-lost,inunisonwiththesentimentsofanyindividualpresent.HecontradictedFlipfielddead,beforehehadeatenhissalmon.Hehadnoidea—oraffectedtohavenoidea—thatitwashisbrother’sbirthday,andonthecommunicationofthatinterestingfacttohim,merelywantedtomakehimoutfouryearsolderthanhewas.Hewasanantipatheticalbeing,withapeculiarpowerandgiftoftreadingoneverybody’stenderestplace.TheytalkinAmericaofaman’s‘Platform.’IshoulddescribethePlatformoftheLong-lostasaPlatformcomposedofotherpeople’scorns,onwhichhehadstumpedhisway,withallhismightandmain,tohispresentposition.ItisneedlesstoaddthatFlipfield’sgreatbirthdaywentbytheboard,andthathewasawreckwhenIpretendedatpartingtowishhimmanyhappyreturnsofit.

ThereisanotherclassofbirthdaysatwhichIhavesofrequentlyassisted,thatImayassumesuchbirthdaystobeprettywellknowntothehumanrace.MyfriendMayday’sbirthdayisanexample.Theguestshavenoknowledgeofoneanotherexceptonthatonedayintheyear,andareannuallyterrifiedforaweekbytheprospectofmeetingoneanotheragain.Thereisafictionamongusthatwehaveuncommonreasonsforbeingparticularlylivelyandspiritedontheoccasion,whereasdeepdespondencyisnophrasefortheexpressionofourfeelings.Butthewonderfulfeatureofthecaseis,thatweareintacitaccordancetoavoidthesubject—tokeepitasfaroffaspossible,aslongaspossible—andtotalkaboutanythingelse,ratherthanthejoyfulevent.ImayevengosofarastoassertthatthereisadumbcompactamongusthatwewillpretendthatitisNOTMayday’sbirthday.AmysteriousandgloomyBeing,whoissaidtohavegonetoschoolwithMayday,andwhoissolankandleanthatheseriouslyimpugnstheDietaryoftheestablishmentatwhichtheywerejointlyeducated,alwaysleadsus,asImaysay,totheblock,bylayinghisgrislyhandonadecanterandbeggingustofillourglasses.ThedevicesandpretencesthatIhaveseenputinpracticetodeferthefatalmoment,andto

interposebetweenthismanandhispurpose,areinnumerable.Ihaveknowndesperateguests,whentheysawthegrislyhandapproachingthedecanter,wildlytobegin,withoutanyantecedentwhatsoever,‘Thatremindsme—’andtoplungeintolongstories.Whenatlastthehandandthedecantercometogether,ashudder,apalpableperceptibleshudder,goesroundthetable.WereceivethereminderthatitisMayday’sbirthday,asifitweretheanniversaryofsomeprofounddisgracehehadundergone,andwesoughttocomforthim.AndwhenwehavedrunkMayday’shealth,andwishedhimmanyhappyreturns,weareseizedforsomemomentswithaghastlyblitheness,anunnaturallevity,asifwewereinthefirstflushedreactionofhavingundergoneasurgicaloperation.

Birthdaysofthisspecieshaveapublicaswellasaprivatephase.My‘boyhood’shome,’Dullborough,presentsacaseinpoint.AnImmortalSomebodywaswantedinDullborough,todimpleforadaythestagnantfaceofthewaters;hewasratherwantedbyDullboroughgenerally,andmuchwantedbytheprincipalhotel-keeper.TheCountyhistorywaslookedupforalocallyImmortalSomebody,buttheregisteredDullboroughworthieswereallNobodies.Inthisstateofthings,itishardlynecessarytorecordthatDullboroughdidwhateverymandoeswhenhewantstowriteabookordeliveralecture,andisprovidedwithallthematerialsexceptasubject.ItfellbackuponShakespeare.

NosoonerwasitresolvedtocelebrateShakespeare’sbirthdayinDullborough,thanthepopularityoftheimmortalbardbecamesurprising.Youmighthavesupposedthefirsteditionofhisworkstohavebeenpublishedlastweek,andenthusiasticDullboroughtohavegothalfthroughthem.(Idoubt,bytheway,whetherithadeverdonehalfthat,butthatisaprivateopinion.)Ayounggentlemanwithasonnet,theretentionofwhichfortwoyearshadenfeebledhismindandunderminedhisknees,gotthesonnetintotheDullboroughWarden,andgainedflesh.PortraitsofShakespearebrokeoutinthebookshopwindows,andourprincipalartistpaintedalargeoriginalportraitinoilsforthedecorationofthedining-room.ItwasnotintheleastlikeanyoftheotherPortraits,andwasexceedinglyadmired,theheadbeingmuchswollen.AttheInstitution,theDebatingSocietydiscussedthenewquestion,WastheresufficientgroundforsupposingthattheImmortalShakespeareeverstoledeer?Thiswasindignantlydecidedbyanoverwhelmingmajorityinthenegative;indeed,therewasbutonevoteonthePoachingside,andthatwasthevoteoftheoratorwhohadundertakentoadvocateit,andwhobecamequiteanobnoxiouscharacter—particularlytotheDullborough‘roughs,’whowereaboutaswellinformedonthematterasmostotherpeople.Distinguishedspeakerswereinviteddown,andverynearlycame(butnotquite).Subscriptionswereopened,andcommitteessat,anditwouldhavebeenfarfromapopularmeasureintheheightoftheexcitement,tohavetoldDullboroughthatitwasn’tStratford-upon-Avon.Yet,afterallthesepreparations,whenthegreatfestivitytookplace,andtheportrait,elevatedaloft,surveyedthecompanyasifitwereindangerofspringingamineofintellectandblowingitselfup,itdidundoubtedlyhappen,accordingtotheinscrutablemysteriesofthings,thatnobodycouldbeinduced,nottosaytotouchuponShakespeare,buttocomewithinamileofhim,untilthecrackspeakerofDullboroughrosetoproposetheimmortalmemory.Whichhedidwiththeperplexingandastonishingresultthatbeforehehadrepeatedthegreatnamehalf-a-dozentimes,orhadbeenuponhislegsasmanyminutes,hewasassailedwithageneralshoutof‘Question.’

XXITHESHORT-TIMERS

‘WITHINsomanyyardsofthisCovent-gardenlodgingofmine,aswithinsomanyyardsofWestminsterAbbey,SaintPaul’sCathedral,theHousesofParliament,thePrisons,theCourtsofJustice,alltheInstitutionsthatgoverntheland,Icanfind—mustfind,whetherIwillorno—intheopenstreets,shamefulinstancesofneglectofchildren,intolerabletolerationoftheengendermentofpaupers,idlers,thieves,racesofwretchedanddestructivecripplesbothinbodyandmind,amiserytothemselves,amiserytothecommunity,adisgracetocivilisation,andanoutrageonChristianity.—Iknowittobeafactaseasyofdemonstrationasanysuminanyoftheelementaryrulesofarithmetic,thatiftheStatewouldbeginitsworkanddutyatthebeginning,andwouldwiththestronghandtakethosechildrenoutofthestreets,whiletheyareyetchildren,andwiselytrainthem,itwouldmakethemapartofEngland’sglory,notitsshame—ofEngland’sstrength,notitsweakness—wouldraisegoodsoldiersandsailors,andgoodcitizens,andmanygreatmen,outoftheseedsofitscriminalpopulation.YetIgoonbearingwiththeenormityasifitwerenothing,andIgoonreadingtheParliamentaryDebatesasiftheyweresomething,andIconcernmyselffarmoreaboutonerailway-bridgeacrossapublicthoroughfare,thanaboutadozengenerationsofscrofula,ignorance,wickedness,prostitution,poverty,andfelony.Icanslipoutatmydoor,inthesmallhoursafteranymidnight,and,inonecircuitofthepurlieusofCovent-gardenMarket,canbeholdastateofinfancyandyouth,asvileasifaBourbonsatupontheEnglishthrone;agreatpoliceforcelookingonwithauthoritytodonomorethanworryandhuntthedreadfulverminintocorners,andthereleavethem.WithinthelengthofafewstreetsIcanfindaworkhouse,mismanagedwiththatdullshort-sightedobstinacythatitsgreatestopportunitiesastothechildrenitreceivesarelost,andyetnotafarthingsavedtoanyone.Butthewheelgoesround,andround,andround;andbecauseitgoesround—soIamtoldbythepolitestauthorities—itgoeswell.’

ThusIreflected,onedayintheWhitsunweeklastpast,asIfloateddowntheThamesamongthebridges,looking—notinappropriately—atthedragsthatwerehangingupatcertaindirtystairstohookthedrownedout,andatthenumerousconveniencesprovidedtofacilitatetheirtumblingin.Myobjectinthatuncommercialjourneycalledupanothertrainofthought,anditranasfollows:

‘WhenIwasatschool,oneofseventyboys,Iwonderbywhatsecretunderstandingourattentionbegantowanderwhenwehadporedoverourbooksforsomehours.Iwonderbywhatingenuitywebroughtonthatconfusedstateofmindwhensensebecamenonsense,whenfigureswouldn’twork,whendeadlanguageswouldn’tconstrue,whenlivelanguageswouldn’tbespoken,whenmemorywouldn’tcome,whendulnessandvacancywouldn’tgo.Icannotrememberthatweeverconspiredtobesleepyafterdinner,orthatweeverparticularlywantedtobestupid,andtohaveflushedfacesandhotbeatingheads,ortofindblankhopelessnessandobscuritythisafternooninwhatwouldbecomeperfectlyclearandbrightinthefreshnessofto-morrowmorning.Wesufferedforthese

things,andtheymadeusmiserableenough.NeitherdoIrememberthatweeverboundourselvesbyanysecretoathorothersolemnobligation,tofindtheseatsgettingtoohardtobesatuponafteracertaintime;ortohaveintolerabletwitchesinourlegs,renderingusaggressiveandmaliciouswiththosemembers;ortobetroubledwithasimilaruneasinessinourelbows,attendedwithfisticconsequencestoourneighbours;ortocarrytwopoundsofleadinthechest,fourpoundsinthehead,andseveralactiveblue-bottlesineachear.Yet,forcertain,wesufferedunderthosedistresses,andwerealwayschargedatforlabouringunderthem,asifwehadbroughtthemon,ofourowndeliberateactanddeed.Astothementalportionofthembeingmyownfaultinmyowncase—Ishouldliketoaskanywell-trainedandexperiencedteacher,nottosaypsychologist.Andastothephysicalportion—IshouldliketoaskPROFESSOROWEN.’

IthappenedthatIhadasmallbundleofpaperswithme,onwhatiscalled‘TheHalf-TimeSystem’inschools.ReferringtooneofthosepapersIfoundthattheindefatigableMR.CHADWICKhadbeenbeforehandwithme,andhadalreadyaskedProfessorOwen:whohadhandsomelyrepliedthatIwasnottoblame,butthat,beingtroubledwithaskeleton,andhavingbeenconstitutedaccordingtocertainnaturallaws,Iandmyskeletonwereunfortunatelyboundbythoselawseveninschool—andhadcomportedourselvesaccordingly.MuchcomfortedbythegoodProfessor’sbeingonmyside,IreadontodiscoverwhethertheindefatigableMr.Chadwickhadtakenupthementalpartofmyafflictions.Ifoundthathehad,andthathehadgainedonmybehalf,SIRBENJAMIN

BRODIE,SIRDAVIDWILKIE,SIRWALTERSCOTT,andthecommonsenseofmankind.ForwhichIbegMr.Chadwick,ifthisshouldmeethiseye,toacceptmywarmacknowledgments.

UptothattimeIhadretainedamisgivingthattheseventyunfortunatesofwhomIwasone,musthavebeen,withoutknowingit,leaguedtogetherbythespiritofevilinasortofperpetualGuyFawkesPlot,togropeaboutinvaultswithdarklanternsafteracertainperiodofcontinuousstudy.Butnowthemisgivingvanished,andIfloatedonwithaquietedmindtoseetheHalf-TimeSysteminaction.Forthatwasthepurposeofmyjourney,bothbysteamboatontheThames,andbyverydirtyrailwayontheshore.Towhichlastinstitution,Ibegtorecommendthelegaluseofcokeasengine-fuel,ratherthantheillegaluseofcoal;therecommendationisquitedisinterested,forIwasmostliberallysuppliedwithsmallcoalonthejourney,forwhichnochargewasmade.Ihadnotonlymyeyes,nose,andearsfilled,butmyhat,andallmypockets,andmypocket-book,andmywatch.

TheV.D.S.C.R.C.(orVeryDirtyandSmallCoalRailwayCompany)deliveredmeclosetomydestination,andIsoonfoundtheHalf-TimeSystemestablishedinspaciouspremises,andfreelyplacedatmyconvenienceanddisposal.

WhatwouldIseefirstoftheHalf-TimeSystem?IchoseMilitaryDrill.‘Atten-tion!’Instantlyahundredboysstoodforthinthepavedyardasoneboy;bright,quick,eager,steady,watchfulforthelookofcommand,instantandreadyfortheword.Notonlywastherecompleteprecision—completeaccordtotheeyeandtotheear—butanalertnessinthedoingofthethingwhichdeprivedit,curiously,ofitsmonotonousormechanicalcharacter.Therewasperfectuniformity,andyetanindividualspiritandemulation.Nospectatorcoulddoubtthattheboyslikedit.Withnon-commissionedofficersvarying

fromayardtoayardandahalfhigh,theresultcouldnotpossiblyhavebeenattainedotherwise.Theymarched,andcounter-marched,andformedinlineandsquare,andcompany,andsinglefileanddoublefile,andperformedavarietyofevolutions;allmostadmirably.Inrespectofanairofenjoyableunderstandingofwhattheywereabout,whichseemstobeforbiddentoEnglishsoldiers,theboysmighthavebeensmallFrenchtroops.Whentheyweredismissedandthebroadswordexercise,limitedtoamuchsmallernumber,succeeded,theboyswhohadnopartinthatnewdrill,eitherlookedonattentively,ordisportedthemselvesinagymnasiumhardby.Thesteadinessofthebroadswordboysontheirshortlegs,andthefirmnesswithwhichtheysustainedthedifferentpositions,wastrulyremarkable.

Thebroadswordexerciseover,suddenlytherewasgreatexcitementandarush.NavalDrill!

Inthecornerofthegroundstoodadeckedmimicship,withrealmasts,yards,andsails—mainmastseventyfeethigh.AtthewordofcommandfromtheSkipperofthisship—amahogany-facedOldSalt,withtheindispensablequidinhischeek,thetruenauticalroll,andallwonderfullycomplete—theriggingwascoveredwithaswarmofboys:one,thefirsttospringintotheshrouds,outstrippingalltheothers,andrestingonthetruckofthemain-topmastinnotime.

Andnowwestoodouttosea,inamostamazingmanner;theSkipperhimself,thewholecrew,theUncommercial,andallhandspresent,implicitlybelievingthattherewasnotamomenttolose,thatthewindhadthatinstantchoppedroundandsprungupfair,andthatwewereawayonavoyageroundtheworld.Getallsailuponher!Withawill,mylads!Layoutuponthemain-yardthere!Lookaliveattheweatherearring!Cheery,myboys!Letgothesheet,now!Standbyatthebraces,you!Withawill,aloftthere!Belay,starboardwatch!Fifer!Comeaft,fifer,andgive’ematune!Forthwith,springsupfifer,fifeinhand—smallestboyeverseen—biglumpontemple,havinglatelyfallendownonapaving-stone—gives’ematunewithallhismightandmain.Hoo-roar,fifer!Withawill,mylads!Tip’emalivelierone,fifer!Fifertips’emalivelierone,andexcitementincreases.Shake’emout,mylads!Welldone!Thereyouhaveher!Pretty,pretty!Everyraguponhershecancarry,windrightastarn,andshipcuttingthroughthewaterfifteenknotsanhour!

Atthisfavourablemomentofhervoyage,Igavethealarm‘Amanoverboard!’(onthegravel),buthewasimmediatelyrecovered,nonetheworse.Presently,IobservedtheSkipperoverboard,butforboretomentionit,asheseemedinnowisedisconcertedbytheaccident.Indeed,IsooncametoregardtheSkipperasanamphibiouscreature,forhewassoperpetuallyplungingoverboardtolookupatthehandsaloft,thathewasoftenerinthebosomoftheoceanthanondeck.Hisprideinhiscrewonthoseoccasionswasdelightful,andtheconventionalunintelligibilityofhisordersintheearsofuncommerciallandlubbersandloblollyboys,thoughtheywerealwaysintelligibletothecrew,washardlylesspleasant.Butwecouldn’texpecttogooninthiswayforever;dirtyweathercameon,andthenworseweather,andwhenweleastexpecteditwegotintotremendousdifficulties.Screwlooseinthechartperhaps—somethingcertainlywrongsomewhere—butherewewerewithbreakersahead,mylads,drivingheadon,slaponaleeshore!TheSkipperbroachedthisterrificannouncementinsuchgreatagitation,thatthesmallfifer,

notfifeingnow,butstandinglookingonnearthewheelwithhisfifeunderhisarm,seemedforthemomentquiteunboyed,thoughhespeedilyrecoveredhispresenceofmind.Inthetryingcircumstancesthatensued,theSkipperandthecrewprovedworthyofoneanother.TheSkippergotdreadfullyhoarse,butotherwisewasmasterofthesituation.Themanatthewheeldidwonders;allhands(exceptthefifer)wereturneduptowearship;andIobservedthefifer,whenwewereatourgreatestextremity,torefertosomedocumentinhiswaistcoat-pocket,whichIconceivedtobehiswill.Ithinkshestruck.Iwasnotmyselfconsciousofanycollision,butIsawtheSkippersoveryoftenwashedoverboardandbackagain,thatIcouldonlyimputeittothebeatingoftheship.Iamnotenoughofaseamantodescribethemanœuvresbywhichweweresaved,buttheymadetheSkipperveryhot(Frenchpolishinghismahoganyface)andthecrewverynimble,andsucceededtoamarvel;for,withinafewminutesofthefirstalarm,wehadworeshipandgotheroff,andwerealla-tauto—whichIfeltverygratefulfor:notthatIknewwhatitwas,butthatIperceivedthatwehadnotbeenalla-tautolately.Landnowappearedonourweather-bow,andweshapedourcourseforit,havingthewindabeam,andfrequentlychangingthemanatthehelm,inorderthateverymanmighthavehisspell.Weworkedintoharbourunderprosperouscircumstances,andfurledoursails,andsquaredouryards,andmadeallship-shapeandhandsome,andsoourvoyageended.WhenIcomplimentedtheSkipperatpartingonhisexertionsandthoseofhisgallantcrew,heinformedmethatthelatterwereprovidedfortheworst,allhandsbeingtaughttoswimanddive;andheaddedthattheableseamanatthemain-topmasttruckespecially,coulddiveasdeepashecouldgohigh.

ThenextadventurethatbefellmeinmyvisittotheShort-Timers,wasthesuddenapparitionofamilitaryband.Ihadbeeninspectingthehammocksofthecrewofthegoodship,whenIsawwithastonishmentthatseveralmusicalinstruments,brazenandofgreatsize,appearedtohavesuddenlydevelopedtwolegseach,andtobetrottingaboutayard.AndmyastonishmentwasheightenedwhenIobservedalargedrum,thathadpreviouslybeenleaninghelplessagainstawall,takingupastoutpositiononfourlegs.Approachingthisdrumandlookingoverit,Ifoundtwoboysbehindit(itwastoomuchforone),andthenIfoundthateachofthebrazeninstrumentshadbroughtoutaboy,andwasgoingtodiscoursesweetsounds.Theboys—notomittingthefifer,nowplayinganewinstrument—weredressedinneatuniform,andstoodupinacircleattheirmusic-stands,likeanyotherMilitaryBand.Theyplayedamarchortwo,andthenwehadCheerboys,Cheer,andthenwehadYankeeDoodle,andwefinished,asinloyaldutybound,withGodsavetheQueen.Theband’sproficiencywasperfectlywonderful,anditwasnotatallwonderfulthatthewholebodycorporateofShort-Timerslistenedwithfacesoftheliveliestinterestandpleasure.

WhathappenednextamongtheShort-Timers?Asifthebandhadblownmeintoagreatclass-roomoutoftheirbrazentubes,inagreatclass-roomIfoundmyselfnow,withthewholechoralforceofShort-Timerssingingthepraisesofasummer’sdaytotheharmonium,andmysmallbuthighlyrespectedfriendthefiferblazingawayvocally,asifhehadbeensavinguphiswindforthelasttwelvemonth;alsothewholecrewofthegoodshipNamelessswarmingupanddownthescaleasiftheyhadneverswarmedupanddowntherigging.Thisdone,wethrewourwholepowerintoGodblessthePrinceofWales,andblessedhisRoyalHighnesstosuchanextentthat,formyownUncommercial

part,Igaspedagainwhenitwasover.Themomentthiswasdone,weformed,withsurpassingfreshness,intohollowsquares,andfelltoworkatorallessonsasifweneverdid,andhadneverthoughtofdoing,anythingelse.

Letaveilbedrawnovertheself-committalsintowhichtheUncommercialTravellerwouldhavebeenbetrayedbutforadiscreetreticence,coupledwithanairofabsolutewisdomonthepartofthatartfulpersonage.Takethesquareoffive,multiplyitbyfifteen,divideitbythree,deducteightfromit,addfourdozentoit,givemetheresultinpence,andtellmehowmanyeggsIcouldgetforitatthreefarthingsapiece.Theproblemishardlystated,whenadozensmallboyspouroutanswers.Somewide,someverynearlyright,someworkedasfarastheygowithsuchaccuracy,asatoncetoshowwhatlinkofthechainhasbeendroppedinthehurry.Forthemoment,nonearequiteright;butbeholdalabouringspiritbeatingthebuttonsonitscorporealwaistcoat,inaprocessofinternalcalculation,andknittinganaccidentalbumponitscorporealforeheadinaconcentrationofmentalarithmetic!Itismyhonourablefriend(ifhewillallowmetocallhimso)thefifer.Withrightarmeagerlyextendedintokenofbeinginspiredwithananswer,andwithrightlegforemost,thefifersolvesthemystery:thenrecallsbotharmandleg,andwithbumpinambushawaitsthenextposer.Takethesquareofthree,multiplyitbyseven,divideitbyfour,addfiftytoit,takethirteenfromit,multiplyitbytwo,doubleit,givemetheresultinpence,andsayhowmanyhalfpence.Wiseastheserpentisthefourfeetofperformeronthenearestapproachtothatinstrument,whoserightarminstantlyappears,andquenchesthisarithmeticalfire.TellmesomethingaboutGreatBritain,tellmesomethingaboutitsprincipalproductions,tellmesomethingaboutitsports,tellmesomethingaboutitsseasandrivers,tellmesomethingaboutcoal,iron,cotton,timber,tin,andturpentine.Thehollowsquarebristleswithextendedrightarms;buteverfaithfultofactisthefifer,everwiseastheserpentistheperformeronthatinstrument,everprominentlybuoyantandbrilliantareallmembersoftheband.Iobservetheplayerofthecymbalstodashatasoundinganswernowandthenratherthannotcutinatall;butItakethattobeinthewayofhisinstrument.Allthesequestions,andmanysuch,areputonthespurofthemoment,andbyonewhohasneverexaminedtheseboys.TheUncommercial,invitedtoaddanother,falteringlydemandshowmanybirthdaysamanbornonthetwenty-ninthofFebruarywillhavehadoncompletinghisfiftiethyear?Ageneralperceptionoftrapandpitfallinstantlyarises,andthefiferisseentoretirebehindthecorduroysofhisnextneighbours,asperceivingspecialnecessityforcollectinghimselfandcommuningwithhismind.Meanwhile,thewisdomoftheserpentsuggeststhatthemanwillhavehadonlyonebirthdayinallthattime,forhowcananymanhavemorethanone,seeingthatheisbornonceanddiesonce?TheblushingUncommercialstandscorrected,andamendstheformula.Ponderingensues,twoorthreewronganswersareoffered,andCymbalsstrikesup‘Six!’butdoesn’tknowwhy.ThenmodestlyemergingfromhisAcademicGroveofcorduroysappearsthefifer,rightarmextended,rightlegforemost,bumpirradiated.‘Twelve,andtwoover!’

ThefeminineShort-Timerspassedasimilarexamination,andverycreditablytoo.Wouldhavedonebetterperhaps,withalittlemoregenialityonthepartoftheirpupil-teacher;foracoldeye,myyoungfriend,andahard,abruptmanner,arenotbyanymeansthepowerfulenginesthatyourinnocencesupposesthemtobe.Bothgirlsandboyswroteexcellently,fromcopyanddictation;bothcouldcook;bothcouldmendtheirownclothes;

bothcouldcleanupeverythingabouttheminanorderlyandskilfulway,thegirlshavingwomanlyhouseholdknowledgesuperadded.OrderandmethodbeganinthesongsoftheInfantSchoolwhichIvisitedlikewise,andtheywereevenintheirdwarfdegreetobefoundintheNursery,wheretheUncommercialwalking-stickwascarriedoffwithacclamations,andwhere‘theDoctor’—amedicalgentlemanoftwo,whotookhisdegreeonthenightwhenhewasfoundatanapothecary’sdoor—didthehonoursoftheestablishmentwithgreaturbanityandgaiety.

Thesehavelongbeenexcellentschools;longbeforethedaysoftheShort-Time.Ifirstsawthem,twelveorfifteenyearsago.ButsincetheintroductionoftheShort-Timesystemithasbeenprovedherethateighteenhoursaweekofbook-learningaremoreprofitablethanthirty-six,andthatthepupilsarefarquickerandbrighterthanofyore.Thegoodinfluencesofmusiconthewholebodyofchildrenhavelikewisebeensurprisinglyproved.ObviouslyanotheroftheimmenseadvantagesoftheShort-Timesystemtothecauseofgoodeducationisthegreatdiminutionofitscost,andoftheperiodoftimeoverwhichitextends.Thelastisamostimportantconsideration,aspoorparentsarealwaysimpatienttoprofitbytheirchildren’slabour.

Itwillbeobjected:Firstly,thatthisisallverywell,butspeciallocaladvantagesandspecialselectionofchildrenmustbenecessarytosuchsuccess.Secondly,thatthisisallverywell,butmustbeveryexpensive.Thirdly,thatthisisallverywell,butwehavenoproofoftheresults,sir,noproof.

Onthefirstheadoflocaladvantagesandspecialselection.WouldLimehouseHolebepickedoutforthesiteofaChildren’sParadise?Orwouldthelegitimateandillegitimatepauperchildrenofthelong-shorepopulationofsuchariversidedistrict,beregardedasunusuallyfavourablespecimenstoworkwith?YettheseschoolsareatLimehouse,andarethePauperSchoolsoftheStepneyPauperUnion.

Onthesecondheadofexpense.Wouldsixpenceaweekbeconsideredaverylargecostfortheeducationofeachpupil,includingallsalariesofteachersandrationsofteachers?Butsupposingthecostwerenotsixpenceaweek,notfivepence?itisFOURPENCE-HALFPENNY.

Onthethirdheadofnoproof,sir,noproof.IsthereanyproofinthefactsthatPupilTeachersmoreinnumber,andmorehighlyqualified,havebeenproducedhereundertheShort-TimesystemthanundertheLong-Timesystem?ThattheShort-Timers,inawritingcompetition,beattheLong-Timersofafirst-classNationalSchool?Thatthesailor-boysareinsuchdemandformerchantships,thatwhereas,beforetheyweretrained,10l.premiumusedtobegivenwitheachboy—toooftentosomegreedybruteofadrunkenskipper,whodisappearedbeforethetermofapprenticeshipwasout,iftheill-usedboydidn’t—captainsofthebestcharacternowtaketheseboysmorethanwillingly,withnopremiumatall?ThattheyarealsomuchesteemedintheRoyalNavy,whichtheyprefer,‘becauseeverythingissoneatandcleanandorderly’?Or,isthereanyproofinNavalcaptainswriting‘YourlittlefellowsareallthatIcandesire’?Or,isthereanyproofinsuchtestimonyasthis:‘Theownerofavesselcalledattheschool,andsaidthatashisshipwasgoingdownChannelonherlastvoyage,withoneoftheboysfromtheschoolonboard,thepilotsaid,“Itwouldbeaswelliftheroyalwerelowered;Iwishitweredown.”Withoutwaitingforanyorders,andunobservedbythepilot,thelad,whomtheyhadtaken

onboardfromtheschool,instantlymountedthemastandloweredtheroyal,andatthenextglanceofthepilottothemasthead,heperceivedthatthesailhadbeenletdown.Heexclaimed,“Who’sdonethatjob?”Theowner,whowasonboard,said,“ThatwasthelittlefellowwhomIputonboardtwodaysago.”Thepilotimmediatelysaid,“Why,wherecouldhehavebeenbroughtup?”Theboyhadneverseentheseaorbeenonarealshipbefore’?Or,isthereanyproofintheseboysbeingingreaterdemandforRegimentalBandsthantheUnioncanmeet?Or,inninety-eightofthemhavinggoneintoRegimentalBandsinthreeyears?Or,intwelveofthembeinginthebandofoneregiment?Or,inthecolonelofthatregimentwriting,‘Wewantsixmoreboys;theyareexcellentlads’?Or,inoneoftheboyshavingrisentobeband-corporalinthesameregiment?Or,inemployersofallkindschorusing,‘Giveusdrilledboys,fortheyareprompt,obedient,andpunctual’?OtherproofsIhavemyselfbeheldwiththeseUncommercialeyes,thoughIdonotregardmyselfashavingarighttorelateinwhatsocialpositionstheyhaveseenrespectedmenandwomenwhowereoncepauperchildrenoftheStepneyUnion.

Intowhatadmirablesoldiersothersoftheseboyshavethecapabilitiesforbeingturned,Ineednotpointout.Manyofthemarealwaysambitiousofmilitaryservice;andonceuponatimewhenanoldboycamebacktoseetheoldplace,acavalrysoldierallcomplete,withhisspurson,suchayearningbrokeouttogetintocavalryregimentsandwearthosesublimeappendages,thatitwasoneofthegreatestexcitementseverknownintheschool.Thegirlsmakeexcellentdomesticservants,andatcertainperiodscomeback,ascoreortwoatatime,toseetheoldbuilding,andtotaketeawiththeoldteachers,andtoheartheoldband,andtoseetheoldshipwithhermaststoweringupabovetheneighbouringroofsandchimneys.Astothephysicalhealthoftheseschools,itissoexceptionallyremarkable(simplybecausethesanitaryregulationsareasgoodastheothereducationalarrangements),thatwhenMr.TUFNELL,theInspector,firststateditinareport,hewassupposed,inspiteofhishighcharacter,tohavebeenbetrayedintosomeextraordinarymistakeorexaggeration.Inthemoralhealthoftheseschools—wherecorporalpunishmentisunknown—Truthfulnessstandshigh.Whentheshipwasfirsterected,theboyswereforbiddentogoaloft,untilthenets,whicharenowalwaysthere,werestretchedasaprecautionagainstaccidents.Certainboys,intheireagerness,disobeyedtheinjunction,gotoutofwindowintheearlydaylight,andclimbedtothemasthead.Oneboyunfortunatelyfell,andwaskilled.Therewasnocluetotheothers;butalltheboyswereassembled,andthechairmanoftheBoardaddressedthem.‘Ipromisenothing;youseewhatadreadfulthinghashappened;youknowwhatagraveoffenceitisthathasledtosuchaconsequence;Icannotsaywhatwillbedonewiththeoffenders;but,boys,youhavebeentrainedhere,aboveallthings,torespectthetruth.Iwantthetruth.Whoarethedelinquents?’Instantly,thewholenumberofboysconcerned,separatedfromtherest,andstoodout.

Now,theheadandheartofthatgentleman(itisneedlesstosay,agoodheadandagoodheart)havebeendeeplyinterestedintheseschoolsformanyyears,andaresostill;andtheestablishmentisveryfortunateinamostadmirablemaster,andmoreovertheschoolsoftheStepneyUnioncannothavegottobewhattheyare,withouttheStepneyBoardofGuardianshavingbeenearnestandhumanemenstronglyimbuedwithasenseoftheirresponsibility.Butwhatonesetofmencandointhiswise,anothersetofmencando;andthisisanobleexampletoallotherBodiesandUnions,andanobleexampletotheState.

Followed,andenlargeduponbyitsenforcementonbadparents,itwouldclearLondonstreetsofthemostterribleobjectstheysmitethesightwith—myriadsoflittlechildrenwhoawfullyreverseOurSaviour’swords,andarenotoftheKingdomofHeaven,butoftheKingdomofHell.

Clearthepublicstreetsofsuchshame,andthepublicconscienceofsuchreproach?Ah!Almostprophetic,surely,thechild’sjingle:

Whenwillthatbe,SaythebellsofStep-ney!

XXIIBOUNDFORTHEGREATSALTLAKE

BEHOLDmeonmywaytoanEmigrantShip,onahotmorningearlyinJune.MyroadliesthroughthatpartofLondongenerallyknowntotheinitiatedas‘DownbytheDocks.’DownbytheDocks,ishometoagoodmanypeople—totoomany,ifImayjudgefromtheoverflowoflocalpopulationinthestreets—butmynoseinsinuatesthatthenumbertowhomitisSweetHomemightbeeasilycounted.DownbytheDocks,isaregionIwouldchooseasmypointofembarkationaboardshipifIwereanemigrant.Itwouldpresentmyintentiontomeinsuchasensiblelight;itwouldshowmesomanythingstoberunawayfrom.

DownbytheDocks,theyeatthelargestoystersandscattertheroughestoyster-shells,knowntothedescendantsofSaintGeorgeandtheDragon.DownbytheDocks,theyconsumetheslimiestofshell-fish,whichseemtohavebeenscrapedoffthecopperbottomsofships.DownbytheDocks,thevegetablesatgreen-grocers’doorsacquireasalineandascalylook,asiftheyhadbeencrossedwithfishandseaweed.DownbytheDocks,they‘boardseamen’attheeating-houses,thepublic-houses,theslop-shops,thecoffee-shops,thetally-shops,allkindsofshopsmentionableandunmentionable—boardthem,asitwere,inthepiraticalsense,makingthembleedterribly,andgivingnoquarter.DownbytheDocks,theseamenroaminmid-streetandmid-day,theirpocketsinsideout,andtheirheadsnobetter.DownbytheDocks,thedaughtersofwave-rulingBritanniaalsorove,cladinsilkenattire,withuncoveredtressesstreaminginthebreeze,bandannakerchiefsfloatingfromtheirshoulders,andcrinolinenotwanting.DownbytheDocks,youmayheartheIncomparableJoeJacksonsingtheStandardofEngland,withahornpipe,anynight;oranydaymayseeatthewaxwork,forapennyandnowaiting,himaskilledthepolicemanatActonandsufferedforit.DownbytheDocks,youmaybuypolonies,saveloys,andsausagepreparationsvarious,ifyouarenotparticularwhattheyaremadeofbesidesseasoning.DownbytheDocks,thechildrenofIsraelcreepintoanygloomycribsandentriestheycanhire,andhangslopsthere—pewterwatches,sou’-westerhats,waterproofoveralls—‘firthtratearticleth,Thjack.’DownbytheDocks,suchdealersexhibitingonaframeacompletenauticalsuitwithouttherefinementofawaxenvisageinthehat,presenttheimaginarywearerasdroopingattheyard-arm,withhisseafaringandearthfaringtroublesover.DownbytheDocks,theplacardsintheshopsapostrophisethecustomer,knowinghimfamiliarlybeforehand,as,‘Lookhere,Jack!’‘Here’syoursort,mylad!’‘Tryoursea-goingmixed,attwoandnine!’‘TherightkitfortheBritishtar!’‘Shipahoy!’‘Splicethemain-brace,brother!’‘Come,cheerup,mylads.We’vethebestliquorshere,Andyou’llfindsomethingnewInourwonderfulBeer!’DownbytheDocks,thepawnbrokerlendsmoneyonUnion-Jackpocket-handkerchiefs,onwatcheswithlittleshipspitchingforeandaftonthedial,ontelescopes,nauticalinstrumentsincases,andsuch-like.DownbytheDocks,theapothecarysetsupinbusinessonthewretchedest

scale—chieflyonlintandplasterforthestrappingofwounds—andwithnobrightbottles,andwithnolittledrawers.DownbytheDocks,theshabbyundertaker’sshopwillburyyoufornexttonothing,aftertheMalayorChinamanhasstabbedyoufornothingatall:soyoucanhardlyhopetomakeacheaperend.DownbytheDocks,anybodydrunkwillquarrelwithanybodydrunkorsober,andeverybodyelsewillhaveahandinit,andontheshortestnoticeyoumayrevolveinawhirlpoolofredshirts,shaggybeards,wildheadsofhair,baretattooedarms,Britannia’sdaughters,malice,mud,maundering,andmadness.DownbytheDocks,scrapingfiddlesgointhepublic-housesalldaylong,and,shrillabovetheirdinandallthedin,risesthescreechingofinnumerableparrotsbroughtfromforeignparts,whoappeartobeverymuchastonishedbywhattheyfindonthesenativeshoresofours.Possiblytheparrotsdon’tknow,possiblytheydo,thatDownbytheDocksistheroadtothePacificOcean,withitslovelyislands,wherethesavagegirlsplaitflowers,andthesavageboyscarvecocoa-nutshells,andthegrimblindidolsmuseintheirshadygrovestoexactlythesamepurposeasthepriestsandchiefs.Andpossiblytheparrotsdon’tknow,possiblytheydo,thatthenoblesavageisawearisomeimpostorwhereverheis,andhasfivehundredthousandvolumesofindifferentrhyme,andnoreason,toanswerfor.

Shadwellchurch!PleasantwhispersoftherebeingafresherairdowntheriverthandownbytheDocks,gopursuingoneanother,playfully,inandoutoftheopeningsinitsspire.Giganticinthebasinjustbeyondthechurch,loomsmyEmigrantShip:hername,theAmazon.Herfigure-headisnotdisfiguredasthosebeauteousfoundersoftheraceofstrong-mindedwomenarefabledtohavebeen,fortheconvenienceofdrawingthebow;butIsympathisewiththecarver:

AflatteringcarverwhomadeithiscareTocarvebustsastheyoughttobe—notastheywere.

MyEmigrantShipliesbroadside-ontothewharf.Twogreatgangwaysmadeofsparsandplanksconnectherwiththewharf;andupanddownthesegangways,perpetuallycrowdingtoandfroandinandout,likeants,aretheEmigrantswhoaregoingtosailinmyEmigrantShip.Somewithcabbages,somewithloavesofbread,somewithcheeseandbutter,somewithmilkandbeer,somewithboxes,beds,andbundles,somewithbabies—nearlyallwithchildren—nearlyallwithbran-newtincansfortheirdailyallowanceofwater,uncomfortablysuggestiveofatinflavourinthedrink.Toandfro,upanddown,aboardandashore,swarminghereandthereandeverywhere,myEmigrants.AndstillastheDock-Gateswingsuponitshinges,cabsappear,andcartsappear,andvansappear,bringingmoreofmyEmigrants,withmorecabbages,moreloaves,morecheeseandbutter,moremilkandbeer,moreboxes,beds,andbundles,moretincans,andonthoseshippinginvestmentsaccumulatedcompoundinterestofchildren.

IgoaboardmyEmigrantShip.Igofirsttothegreatcabin,andfinditintheusualconditionofaCabinatthatpass.Perspiringlandsmen,withloosepapers,andwithpensandinkstands,pervadeit;andthegeneralappearanceofthingsisasifthelateMr.Amazon’sfuneralhadjustcomehomefromthecemetery,andthedisconsolateMrs.Amazon’strusteesfoundtheaffairsingreatdisorder,andwerelookinghighandlowforthewill.Igooutonthepoop-deck,forair,andsurveyingtheemigrantsonthedeck

below(indeedtheyarecrowdedallaboutme,uptheretoo),findmorepensandinkstandsinaction,andmorepapers,andinterminablecomplicationrespectingaccountswithindividualsfortincansandwhatnot.Butnobodyisinanill-temper,nobodyistheworsefordrink,nobodyswearsanoathorusesacoarseword,nobodyappearsdepressed,nobodyisweeping,anddownuponthedeckineverycornerwhereitispossibletofindafewsquarefeettokneel,crouch,orliein,people,ineveryunsuitableattitudeforwriting,arewritingletters.

Now,IhaveseenemigrantshipsbeforethisdayinJune.AndthesepeoplearesostrikinglydifferentfromallotherpeopleinlikecircumstanceswhomIhaveeverseen,thatIwonderaloud,‘Whatwouldastrangersupposetheseemigrantstobe!’

Thevigilant,brightfaceoftheweather-brownedcaptainoftheAmazonisatmyshoulder,andhesays,‘What,indeed!Themostofthesecameaboardyesterdayevening.TheycamefromvariouspartsofEnglandinsmallpartiesthathadneverseenoneanotherbefore.Yettheyhadnotbeenacoupleofhoursonboard,whentheyestablishedtheirownpolice,madetheirownregulations,andsettheirownwatchesatallthehatchways.Beforenineo’clock,theshipwasasorderlyandasquietasaman-of-war.’

Ilookedaboutmeagain,andsawtheletter-writinggoingonwiththemostcuriouscomposure.Perfectlyabstractedinthemidstofthecrowd;whilegreatcaskswereswingingaloft,andbeingloweredintothehold;whilehotagentswerehurryingupanddown,adjustingtheinterminableaccounts;whiletwohundredstrangersweresearchingeverywherefortwohundredotherstrangers,andwereaskingquestionsaboutthemoftwohundredmore;whilethechildrenplayedupanddownallthesteps,andinandoutamongallthepeople’slegs,andwerebeheld,tothegeneraldismay,topplingoverallthedangerousplaces;theletter-writerswroteoncalmly.Onthestarboardsideoftheship,agrizzledmandictatedalonglettertoanothergrizzledmaninanimmensefurcap:whichletterwasofsoprofoundaquality,thatitbecamenecessaryfortheamanuensisatintervalstotakeoffhisfurcapinbothhishands,fortheventilationofhisbrain,andstareathimwhodictated,asamanofmanymysterieswhowasworthlookingat.Onthelar-boardside,awomanhadcoveredabelaying-pinwithawhiteclothtomakeaneatdeskofit,andwassittingonalittlebox,writingwiththedeliberationofabookkeeper.Down,uponherbreastontheplanksofthedeckatthiswoman’sfeet,withherheaddivinginunderabeamofthebulwarksonthatside,asaneligibleplaceofrefugeforhersheetofpaper,aneatandprettygirlwroteforagoodhour(shefaintedatlast),onlyrisingtothesurfaceoccasionallyforadipofink.Alongsidetheboat,closetomeonthepoop-deck,anothergirl,afresh,well-growncountrygirl,waswritinganotherletteronthebaredeck.Laterintheday,whenthisself-sameboatwasfilledwithachoirwhosanggleesandcatchesforalongtime,oneofthesingers,agirl,sangherpartmechanicallyallthewhile,andwrotealetterinthebottomoftheboatwhiledoingso.

‘Astrangerwouldbepuzzledtoguesstherightnameforthesepeople,Mr.Uncommercial,’saysthecaptain.

‘Indeedhewould.’

‘Ifyouhadn’tknown,couldyoueverhavesupposed—?’

‘HowcouldI!Ishouldhavesaidtheywereintheirdegree,thepickandflowerof

England.’

‘SoshouldI,’saysthecaptain.

‘Howmanyarethey?’

‘Eighthundredinroundnumbers.’

Iwentbetween-decks,wherethefamilieswithchildrenswarmedinthedark,whereunavoidableconfusionhadbeencausedbythelastarrivals,andwheretheconfusionwasincreasedbythelittlepreparationsfordinnerthatweregoingonineachgroup.Afewwomenhereandthere,hadgotlost,andwerelaughingatit,andaskingtheirwaytotheirownpeople,oroutondeckagain.Afewofthepoorchildrenwerecrying;butotherwisetheuniversalcheerfulnesswasamazing.‘Weshallshakedownbyto-morrow.’‘Weshallcomeallrightinadayorso.’‘Weshallhavemorelightatsea.’SuchphrasesIheardeverywhere,asIgropedmywayamongchestsandbarrelsandbeamsandunstowedcargoandring-boltsandEmigrants,downtothelower-deck,andthenceuptothelightofdayagain,andtomyformerstation.

Surely,anextraordinarypeopleintheirpowerofself-abstraction!Alltheformerletter-writerswerestillwritingcalmly,andmanymoreletter-writershadbrokenoutinmyabsence.Aboywithabagofbooksinhishandandaslateunderhisarm,emergedfrombelow,concentratedhimselfinmyneighbourhood(espyingaconvenientskylightforhispurpose),andwenttoworkatasumasifhewerestonedeaf.Afatherandmotherandseveralyoungchildren,onthemaindeckbelowme,hadformedafamilycircleclosetothefootofthecrowdedrestlessgangway,wherethechildrenmadeanestforthemselvesinacoilofrope,andthefatherandmother,shesucklingtheyoungest,discussedfamilyaffairsaspeaceablyasiftheywereinperfectretirement.Ithinkthemostnoticeablecharacteristicintheeighthundredasamass,wastheirexemptionfromhurry.

Eighthundredwhat?‘Geese,villain?’EIGHTHUNDREDMORMONS.I,UncommercialTravellerforthefirmofHumanInterestBrothers,hadcomeaboardthisEmigrantShiptoseewhatEighthundredLatter-daySaintswerelike,andIfoundthem(totheroutandoverthrowofallmyexpectations)likewhatInowdescribewithscrupulousexactness.

TheMormonAgentwhohadbeenactiveingettingthemtogether,andinmakingthecontractwithmyfriendstheownersoftheshiptotakethemasfarasNewYorkontheirwaytotheGreatSaltLake,waspointedouttome.Acompactly-madehandsomemaninblack,rathershort,withrichbrownhairandbeard,andclearbrighteyes.Fromhisspeech,IshouldsethimdownasAmerican.Probably,amanwhohad‘knockedabouttheworld’prettymuch.Amanwithafrankopenmanner,andunshrinkinglook;withalamanofgreatquickness.IbelievehewaswhollyignorantofmyUncommercialindividuality,andconsequentlyofmyimmenseUncommercialimportance.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Theseareaveryfinesetofpeopleyouhavebroughttogetherhere.

MORMONAGENT.Yes,sir,theyareaveryfinesetofpeople.

UNCOMMERCIAL(lookingabout).Indeed,IthinkitwouldbedifficulttofindEighthundredpeopletogetheranywhereelse,andfindsomuchbeautyandsomuchstrengthandcapacityforworkamongthem.

MORMONAGENT(notlookingabout,butlookingsteadilyatUncommercial).Ithinkso.—Wesentoutaboutathousandmore,yes’day,fromLiverpool.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Youarenotgoingwiththeseemigrants?

MORMONAGENT.No,sir.Iremain.

UNCOMMERCIAL.ButyouhavebeenintheMormonTerritory?

MORMONAGENT.Yes;IleftUtahaboutthreeyearsago.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Itissurprisingtomethatthesepeopleareallsocheery,andmakesolittleoftheimmensedistancebeforethem.

MORMONAGENT.Well,yousee;manyof’emhavefriendsoutatUtah,andmanyof’emlookforwardtomeetingfriendsontheway.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Ontheway?

MORMONAGENT.Thisway’tis.Thisshiplands’eminNewYorkCity.ThentheygoonbyrailrightawaybeyondSt.Louis,tothatpartoftheBanksoftheMissouriwheretheystrikethePlains.There,waggonsfromthesettlementmeet’emtobear’emcompanyontheirjourney’cross-twelvehundredmilesabout.Industriouspeoplewhocomeouttothesettlementsoongetwaggonsoftheirown,andsothefriendsofsomeofthesewillcomedownintheirownwaggonstomeet’em.Theylookforwardtothat,greatly.

UNCOMMERCIAL.OntheirlongjourneyacrosstheDesert,doyouarmthem?

MORMONAGENT.Mostlyyouwouldfindtheyhavearmsofsomekindoranotheralreadywiththem.SuchashadnotarmsweshouldarmacrossthePlains,forthegeneralprotectionanddefence.

UNCOMMERCIAL.WillthesewaggonsbringdownanyproducetotheMissouri?

MORMONAGENT.Well,sincethewarbrokeout,we’vetakentogrowingcotton,andthey’lllikelybringdowncottontobeexchangedformachinery.Wewantmachinery.Alsowehavetakentogrowingindigo,whichisafinecommodityforprofit.IthasbeenfoundthattheclimateonthefurthersideoftheGreatSaltLakesuitswellforraisingindigo.

UNCOMMERCIAL.IamtoldthatthesepeoplenowonboardareprincipallyfromtheSouthofEngland?

MORMONAGENT.AndfromWales.That’strue.

UNCOMMERCIAL.DoyougetmanyScotch?

MORMONAGENT.Notmany.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Highlanders,forinstance?

MORMONAGENT.No,notHighlanders.Theyain’tinterestedenoughinuniversalbrotherhoodandpeaceandgoodwill.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Theoldfightingbloodisstronginthem?

MORMONAGENT.Well,yes.Andbesides;they’venofaith.

UNCOMMERCIAL(whohasbeenburningtogetattheProphetJoeSmith,andseemsto

discoveranopening).Faithin—!

MORMONAGENT(fartoomanyforUncommercial).Well.—Inanything!

Similarlyonthissamehead,theUncommercialunderwentdiscomfiturefromaWiltshirelabourer:asimple,fresh-colouredfarm-labourer,ofeight-and-thirty,whoatonetimestoodbesidehimlookingonatnewarrivals,andwithwhomheheldthisdialogue:

UNCOMMERCIAL.Wouldyoumindmyaskingyouwhatpartofthecountryyoucomefrom?

WILTSHIRE.Notabit.Theer!(exultingly)I’veworkedallmylifeo’SalisburyPlain,rightundertheshaddero’Stonehenge.Youmightn’tthinkit,butIhaive.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Andapleasantcountrytoo.

WILTSHIRE.Ah!’Tisapleasantcountry.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Haveyouanyfamilyonboard?

WILTSHIRE.Twochildren,boyandgal.Iamawidderer,Iam,andI’mgoingoutalongermyboyandgal.That’smygal,andshe’safinegalo’sixteen(pointingoutthegirlwhoiswritingbytheboat).I’llgoandfetchmyboy.I’dliketoshowyoumyboy.(HereWiltshiredisappears,andpresentlycomesbackwithabig,shyboyoftwelve,inasuperabundanceofboots,whoisnotatallgladtobepresented.)Heisafineboytoo,andaboyfurtowork!(Boyhavingundutifullybolted,Wiltshiredropshim.)

UNCOMMERCIAL.Itmustcostyouagreatdealofmoneytogosofar,threestrong.

WILTSHIRE.Apowerofmoney.Theer!Eightshillenaweek,eightshillenaweek,eightshillenaweek,putbyoutoftheweek’swagesforeversolong.

UNCOMMERCIAL.Iwonderhowyoudidit.

WILTSHIRE(recognisinginthisakindredspirit).Seetheernow!IwonderhowIdoneit!Butwhatwithabito’subscriptionheer,andwhatwithabito’helptheer,itweredoneatlast,thoughIdon’thardlyknowhow.Thenitwereunfort’netforus,yousee,aswegotkep’inBristolsolong—nighafortnight,itwere—onaccountsofamistakewi’BrotherHalliday.Swaller’dupmoney,itdid,whenwemighthavecomestraighton.

UNCOMMERCIAL(delicatelyapproachingJoeSmith).YouareoftheMormonreligion,ofcourse?

WILTSHIRE(confidently).Oyes,I’maMormon.(Thenreflectively.)I’maMormon.(Then,lookingroundtheship,feignstodescryaparticularfriendinanemptyspot,andevadestheUncommercialforevermore.)

Afteranoontidepausefordinner,duringwhichmyEmigrantswerenearlyallbetween-decks,andtheAmazonlookeddeserted,ageneralmustertookplace.ThemusterwasfortheceremonyofpassingtheGovernmentInspectorandtheDoctor.Thoseauthoritiesheldtheirtemporarystateamidships,byacaskortwo;and,knowingthatthewholeEighthundredemigrantsmustcomefacetofacewiththem,Itookmystationbehindthetwo.Theyknewnothingwhateverofme,Ibelieve,andmytestimonytotheunpretendinggentlenessandgoodnaturewithwhichtheydischargedtheirduty,maybeofthegreaterworth.TherewasnottheslightestflavouroftheCircumlocutionOfficeabouttheirproceedings.

Theemigrantswerenowallondeck.Theyweredenselycrowdedaft,andswarmeduponthepoop-decklikebees.TwoorthreeMormonagentsstoodreadytohandthemontotheInspector,andtohandthemforwardwhentheyhadpassed.Bywhatsuccessfulmeans,aspecialaptitudefororganisationhadbeeninfusedintothesepeople,Iam,ofcourse,unabletoreport.ButIknowthat,evennow,therewasnodisorder,hurry,ordifficulty.

Allbeingready,thefirstgrouparehandedon.Thatmemberofthepartywhoisentrustedwiththepassenger-ticketforthewhole,hasbeenwarnedbyoneoftheagentstohaveitready,andhereitisinhishand.Ineveryinstancethroughthewholeeighthundred,withoutanexception,thispaperisalwaysready.

INSPECTOR(readingtheticket).JessieJobson,SophroniaJobson,JessieJobsonagain,MatildaJobson,WilliamJobson,JaneJobson,MatildaJobsonagain,BrighamJobson,LeonardoJobson,andOrsonJobson.Areyouallhere?(glancingattheparty,overhisspectacles).

JESSIEJOBSONNUMBERTWO.Allhere,sir.

Thisgroupiscomposedofanoldgrandfatherandgrandmother,theirmarriedsonandhiswife,andtheirfamilyofchildren.OrsonJobsonisalittlechildasleepinhismother’sarms.TheDoctor,withakindwordorso,liftsupthecornerofthemother’sshawl,looksatthechild’sface,andtouchesthelittleclenchedhand.IfwewereallaswellasOrsonJobson,doctoringwouldbeapoorprofession.

INSPECTOR.Quiteright,JessieJobson.Takeyourticket,Jessie,andpasson.

Andawaytheygo.Mormonagent,skilfulandquiet,handsthemon.Mormonagent,skilfulandquiet,handsnextpartyup.

INSPECTOR(readingticketagain).SusannahCleverlyandWilliamCleverly.Brotherandsister,eh?

SISTER(youngwomanofbusiness,hustlingslowbrother).Yes,sir.

INSPECTOR.Verygood,SusannahCleverly.Takeyourticket,Susannah,andtakecareofit.

Andawaytheygo.

INSPECTOR(takingticketagain).SampsonDibbleandDorothyDibble(surveyingaveryoldcoupleoverhisspectacles,withsomesurprise).Yourhusbandquiteblind,Mrs.Dibble?

MRS.DIBBLE.Yes,sir,hebestone-blind.

MR.DIBBLE(addressingthemast).Yes,sir,Ibestone-blind.

INSPECTOR.That’sabadjob.Takeyourticket,Mrs.Dibble,anddon’tloseit,andpasson.

DoctortapsMr.Dibbleontheeyebrowwithhisforefinger,andawaytheygo.

INSPECTOR(takingticketagain).AnastatiaWeedle.

ANASTATIA(aprettygirl,inabrightGaribaldi,thismorningelectedbyuniversalsuffragetheBeautyoftheShip).Thatisme,sir.

INSPECTOR.Goingalone,Anastatia?

ANASTATIA(shakinghercurls).IamwithMrs.Jobson,sir,butI’vegotseparatedforthemoment.

INSPECTOR.Oh!YouarewiththeJobsons?Quiteright.That’lldo,MissWeedle.Don’tloseyourticket.

Awayshegoes,andjoinstheJobsonswhoarewaitingforher,andstoopsandkissesBrighamJobson—whoappearstobeconsideredtooyoungforthepurpose,byseveralMormonsrisingtwenty,whoarelookingon.Beforeherextensiveskirtshavedepartedfromthecasks,adecentwidowstandstherewithfourchildren,andsotherollgoes.

ThefacesofsomeoftheWelshpeople,amongwhomthereweremanyoldpersons,werecertainlytheleastintelligent.Someoftheseemigrantswouldhavebungledsorely,butforthedirectinghandthatwasalwaysready.Theintelligenceherewasunquestionablyofaloworder,andtheheadswereofapoortype.Generallythecasewasthereverse.Thereweremanywornfacesbearingtracesofpatientpovertyandhardwork,andtherewasgreatsteadinessofpurposeandmuchundemonstrativeself-respectamongthisclass.Afewyoungmenweregoingsingly.Severalgirlsweregoing,twoorthreetogether.TheselatterIfounditverydifficulttoreferback,inmymind,totheirrelinquishedhomesandpursuits.Perhapstheyweremorelikecountrymilliners,andpupilteachersrathertawdrilydressed,thananyotherclassesofyoungwomen.Inoticed,amongmanylittleornamentsworn,morethanonephotograph-broochofthePrincessofWales,andalsoofthelatePrinceConsort.Somesinglewomenoffromthirtytoforty,whomonemightsupposetobeembroiderers,orstraw-bonnet-makers,wereobviouslygoingoutinquestofhusbands,asfinerladiesgotoIndia.Thattheyhadanydistinctnotionsofapluralityofhusbandsorwives,Idonotbelieve.Tosupposethefamilygroupsofwhomthemajorityofemigrantswerecomposed,polygamicallypossessed,wouldbetosupposeanabsurdity,manifesttoanyonewhosawthefathersandmothers.

Ishouldsay(Ihadnomeansofascertainingthefact)thatmostfamiliarkindsofhandicrafttradeswererepresentedhere.Farm-labourers,shepherds,andthelike,hadtheirfullshareofrepresentation,butIdoubtiftheypreponderated.Itwasinterestingtoseehowtheleadingspiritinthefamilycircleneverfailedtoshowitself,eveninthesimpleprocessofansweringtothenamesastheywerecalled,andcheckingofftheownersofthenames.Sometimesitwasthefather,muchoftenerthemother,sometimesaquicklittlegirlsecondorthirdinorderofseniority.Itseemedtooccurforthefirsttimetosomeheavyfathers,whatlargefamiliestheyhad;andtheireyesrolledabout,duringthecallingofthelist,asiftheyhalfmisdoubtedsomeotherfamilytohavebeensmuggledintotheirown.Amongallthefinehandsomechildren,Iobservedbuttwowithmarksupontheirnecksthatwereprobablyscrofulous.Outofthewholenumberofemigrants,butoneoldwomanwastemporarilysetasidebythedoctor,onsuspicionoffever;butevensheafterwardsobtainedacleanbillofhealth.

Whenallhad‘passed,’andtheafternoonbegantowearon,ablackboxbecamevisibleondeck,whichboxwasinchargeofcertainpersonagesalsoinblack,ofwhomonlyonehadtheconventionalairofanitinerantpreacher.Thisboxcontainedasupplyofhymn-books,neatlyprintedandgotup,publishedatLiverpool,andalsoinLondonatthe‘Latter-DaySaints’BookDepôt,30,Florence-street.’Somecopieswerehandsomelybound;theplainerwerethemoreinrequest,andmanywerebought.Thetitleran:‘SacredHymns

andSpiritualSongsfortheChurchofJesusChurchofLatter-DaySaints.’ThePreface,datedManchester,1840,ranthus:—‘TheSaintsinthiscountryhavebeenverydesirousforaHymnBookadaptedtotheirfaithandworship,thattheymightsingthetruthwithanunderstandingheart,andexpresstheirpraise,joy,andgratitudeinsongsadaptedtotheNewandEverlastingCovenant.Inaccordancewiththeirwishes,wehaveselectedthefollowingvolume,whichwehopewillproveacceptableuntilagreatervarietycanbeadded.Withsentimentsofhighconsiderationandesteem,wesubscribeourselvesyourbrethrenintheNewandEverlastingCovenant,BRIGHAMYOUNG,PARLEYP.PRATT,JOHNTAYLOR.’Fromthisbook—bynomeansexplanatorytomyselfoftheNewandEverlastingCovenant,andnotatallmakingmyheartanunderstandingoneonthesubjectofthatmystery—ahymnwassung,whichdidnotattractanygreatamountofattention,andwassupportedbyaratherselectcircle.Butthechoirintheboatwasverypopularandpleasant;andtherewastohavebeenaBand,onlytheCornetwaslateincomingonboard.Inthecourseoftheafternoon,amotherappearedfromshore,insearchofherdaughter,‘whohadrunawaywiththeMormons.’ShereceivedeveryassistancefromtheInspector,butherdaughterwasnotfoundtobeonboard.Thesaintsdidnotseemtome,particularlyinterestedinfindingher.

Towardsfiveo’clock,thegalleybecamefulloftea-kettles,andanagreeablefragranceofteapervadedtheship.Therewasnoscramblingorjostlingforthehotwater,noillhumour,noquarrelling.AstheAmazonwastosailwiththenexttide,andasitwouldnotbehighwaterbeforetwoo’clockinthemorning,Ileftherwithherteainfullaction,andheridleSteamTuglyingby,deputingsteamandsmokeforthetimebeingtotheTea-kettles.

IafterwardslearnedthataDespatchwassenthomebythecaptainbeforehestruckoutintothewideAtlantic,highlyextollingthebehaviouroftheseEmigrants,andtheperfectorderandproprietyofalltheirsocialarrangements.WhatisinstoreforthepoorpeopleontheshoresoftheGreatSaltLake,whathappydelusionstheyarelabouringundernow,onwhatmiserableblindnesstheireyesmaybeopenedthen,Idonotpretendtosay.ButIwentonboardtheirshiptobeartestimonyagainstthemiftheydeservedit,asIfullybelievedtheywould;tomygreatastonishmenttheydidnotdeserveit;andmypredispositionsandtendenciesmustnotaffectmeasanhonestwitness.IwentovertheAmazon’sside,feelingitimpossibletodenythat,sofar,someremarkableinfluencehadproducedaremarkableresult,whichbetterknowninfluenceshaveoftenmissed.[188]

XXIIITHECITYOFTHEABSENT

WHENIthinkIdeserveparticularlywellofmyself,andhaveearnedtherighttoenjoyalittletreat,IstrollfromCovent-gardenintotheCityofLondon,afterbusiness-hoursthere,onaSaturday,or—betteryet—onaSunday,androamaboutitsdesertednooksandcorners.Itisnecessarytothefullenjoymentofthesejourneysthattheyshouldbemadeinsummer-time,forthentheretiredspotsthatIlovetohaunt,areattheiridlestanddullest.Agentlefallofrainisnotobjectionable,andawarmmistsetsoffmyfavouriteretreatstodecidedadvantage.

Amongthese,CityChurchyardsholdahighplace.SuchstrangechurchyardshideintheCityofLondon;churchyardssometimessoentirelydetachedfromchurches,alwayssopresseduponbyhouses;sosmall,sorank,sosilent,soforgotten,exceptbythefewpeoplewhoeverlookdownintothemfromtheirsmokywindows.AsIstandpeepinginthroughtheirongatesandrails,Icanpeeltherustymetaloff,likebarkfromanoldtree.Theillegibletombstonesarealllop-sided,thegrave-moundslosttheirshapeintherainsofahundredyearsago,theLombardyPoplarorPlane-Treethatwasonceadrysalter’sdaughterandseveralcommon-councilmen,haswitheredlikethoseworthies,anditsdepartedleavesaredustbeneathit.Contagionofslowruinoverhangstheplace.Thediscolouredtiledroofsoftheenvironingbuildingsstandsoawry,thattheycanhardlybeproofagainstanystressofweather.Oldcrazystacksofchimneysseemtolookdownastheyoverhang,dubiouslycalculatinghowfartheywillhavetofall.Inanangleofthewalls,whatwasoncethetool-houseofthegrave-diggerrotsaway,encrustedwithtoadstools.Pipesandspoutsforcarryingofftherainfromtheencompassinggables,brokenorfeloniouslycutforoldleadlongago,nowlettheraindripandsplashasitlist,upontheweedyearth.Sometimesthereisarustypumpsomewherenear,and,asIlookinattherailsandmeditate,Ihearitworkingunderanunknownhandwithacreakingprotest:asthoughthedepartedinthechurchyardurged,‘Letusliehereinpeace;don’tsuckusupanddrinkus!’

Oneofmybestbelovedchurchyards,IcallthechurchyardofSaintGhastlyGrim;touchingwhatmeningeneralcallit,Ihavenoinformation.ItliesattheheartoftheCity,andtheBlackwallRailwayshrieksatitdaily.Itisasmallsmallchurchyard,withaferocious,strong,spikedirongate,likeajail.Thisgateisornamentedwithskullsandcross-bones,largerthanthelife,wroughtinstone;butitlikewisecameintothemindofSaintGhastlyGrim,thattostickironspikesa-topofthestoneskulls,asthoughtheywereimpaled,wouldbeapleasantdevice.Thereforetheskullsgrinalofthorribly,thrustthroughandthroughwithironspears.Hence,thereisattractionofrepulsionformeinSaintGhastlyGrim,and,havingoftencontemplateditinthedaylightandthedark,Ioncefeltdrawntowardsitinathunderstormatmidnight.‘Whynot?’Isaid,inself-excuse.‘IhavebeentoseetheColosseumbythelightofthemoon;isitworsetogotoseeSaintGhastlyGrimbythelightofthelightning?’IrepairedtotheSaintinahackneycab,andfoundtheskullsmosteffective,havingtheairofapublicexecution,andseeming,asthe

lightningflashed,towinkandgrinwiththepainofthespikes.Havingnootherpersontowhomtoimpartmysatisfaction,Icommunicatedittothedriver.Sofarfrombeingresponsive,hesurveyedme—hewasnaturallyabottled-nosed,red-facedman—withablanchedcountenance.Andashedrovemeback,heeverandagainglancedinoverhisshoulderthroughthelittlefrontwindowofhiscarriage,asmistrustingthatIwasafareoriginallyfromagraveinthechurchyardofSaintGhastlyGrim,whomighthaveflittedhomeagainwithoutpaying.

Sometimes,thequeerHallofsomequeerCompanygivesuponachurchyardsuchasthis,and,whentheLiverydine,youmayhearthem(ifyouarelookinginthroughtheironrails,whichyouneverarewhenIam)toastingtheirownWorshipfulprosperity.Sometimes,awholesalehouseofbusiness,requiringmuchroomforstowage,willoccupyoneortwoorevenallthreesidesoftheenclosingspace,andthebacksofbalesofgoodswilllumberupthewindows,asiftheywereholdingsomecrowdedtrade-meetingofthemselveswithin.Sometimes,thecommandingwindowsareallblank,andshownomoresignoflifethanthegravesbelow—notsomuch,fortheytellofwhatonceuponatimewaslifeundoubtedly.SuchwasthesurroundingofoneCitychurchyardthatIsawlastsummer,onaVolunteeringSaturdayeveningtowardseightoftheclock,whenwithastonishmentIbeheldanoldoldmanandanoldoldwomaninit,makinghay.Yes,ofalloccupationsinthisworld,makinghay!ItwasaveryconfinedpatchofchurchyardlyingbetweenGracechurch-streetandtheTower,capableofyielding,sayanapronfulofhay.Bywhatmeanstheoldoldmanandwomanhadgotintoit,withanalmosttoothlesshay-makingrake,Icouldnotfathom.Noopenwindowwaswithinview;nowindowatallwaswithinview,sufficientlynearthegroundtohaveenabledtheiroldlegstodescendfromit;therustychurchyard-gatewaslocked,themouldychurchwaslocked.Gravelyamongthegraves,theymadehay,allalonebythemselves.TheylookedlikeTimeandhiswife.Therewasbuttheonerakebetweenthem,andtheybothhadholdofitinapastorally-lovingmanner,andtherewashayontheoldwoman’sblackbonnet,asiftheoldmanhadrecentlybeenplayful.Theoldmanwasquiteanobsoleteoldman,inknee-breechesandcoarsegreystockings,andtheoldwomanworemittenslikeuntohisstockingsintextureandincolour.TheytooknoheedofmeasIlookedon,unabletoaccountforthem.Theoldwomanwasmuchtoobrightforapew-opener,theoldmanmuchtoomeekforabeadle.Onanoldtombstoneintheforegroundbetweenmeandthem,weretwocherubim;butforthosecelestialembellishmentsbeingrepresentedashavingnopossibleuseforknee-breeches,stockings,ormittens,Ishouldhavecomparedthemwiththehay-makers,andsoughtalikeness.Icoughedandawoketheechoes,butthehay-makersneverlookedatme.Theyusedtherakewithameasuredaction,drawingthescantycroptowardsthem;andsoIwasfaintoleavethemunderthreeyardsandahalfofdarkeningsky,gravelymakinghayamongthegraves,allalonebythemselves.PerhapstheywereSpectres,andIwantedaMedium.

InanotherCitychurchyardofsimilarcrampeddimensions,Isaw,thatselfsamesummer,twocomfortablecharitychildren.Theyweremakinglove—tremendousproofofthevigourofthatimmortalarticle,fortheywereinthegracefuluniformunderwhichEnglishCharitydelightstohideherself—andtheywereovergrown,andtheirlegs(hislegsatleast,forIammodestlyincompetenttospeakofhers)wereasmuchinthewrongasmerepassiveweaknessofcharactercanrenderlegs.Oitwasaleadenchurchyard,butnodoubt

agoldengroundtothoseyoungpersons!IfirstsawthemonaSaturdayevening,and,perceivingfromtheiroccupationthatSaturdayeveningwastheirtrysting-time,Ireturnedthateveningse’nnight,andrenewedthecontemplationofthem.Theycametheretoshakethebitsofmattingwhichwerespreadinthechurchaisles,andtheyafterwardsrolledthemup,herollinghisend,sherollinghers,untiltheymet,andoverthetwooncedividednowunitedrolls—sweetemblem!—gaveandreceivedachastesalute.Itwassorefreshingtofindoneofmyfadedchurchyardsbloomingintoflowerthus,thatIreturnedasecondtime,andathird,andultimatelythisbefell:—Theyhadleftthechurchdooropen,intheirdustingandarranging.Walkingintolookatthechurch,Ibecameaware,bythedimlight,ofhiminthepulpit,ofherinthereading-desk,ofhimlookingdown,ofherlookingup,exchangingtenderdiscourse.Immediatelybothdived,andbecameasitwerenon-existentonthissphere.WithanassumptionofinnocenceIturnedtoleavethesacrededifice,whenanobeseformstoodintheportal,puffilydemandingJoseph,orindefaultofJoseph,Celia.Takingthismonsterbythesleeve,andluringhimforthonpretenceofshowinghimwhomhesought,IgavetimefortheemergenceofJosephandCelia,whopresentlycametowardsusinthechurchyard,bendingunderdustymatting,apictureofthrivingandunconsciousindustry.ItwouldbesuperfluoustohintthatIhaveeversincedeemedthistheproudestpassageinmylife.

Butsuchinstances,oranytokensofvitality,arerareindeedinmyCitychurchyards.Afewsparrowsoccasionallytrytoraisealivelychirrupintheirsolitarytree—perhaps,astakingadifferentviewofwormsfromthatentertainedbyhumanity—buttheyareflatandhoarseofvoice,liketheclerk,theorgan,thebell,theclergyman,andalltherestoftheChurch-workswhentheyarewoundupforSunday.Cagedlarks,thrushes,orblackbirds,hanginginneighbouringcourts,pourforththeirstrainspassionately,asscentingthetree,tryingtobreakout,andseeleavesagainbeforetheydie,buttheirsongisWillow,Willow—ofachurchyardcast.Solittlelightlivesinsidethechurchesofmychurchyards,whenthetwoareco-existent,thatitisoftenonlybyanaccidentandafterlongacquaintancethatIdiscovertheirhavingstainedglassinsomeoddwindow.Thewesteringsunslantsintothechurchyardbysomeunwontedentry,afewprismatictearsdroponanoldtombstone,andawindowthatIthoughtwasonlydirty,isforthemomentallbejewelled.Thenthelightpassesandthecoloursdie.Thougheventhen,ifthereberoomenoughformetofallbacksofarasthatIcangazeuptothetopoftheChurchTower,Iseetherustyvanenewburnished,andseemingtolookoutwithajoyfulflashovertheseaofsmokeatthedistantshoreofcountry.

Blinkingoldmenwhoareletoutofworkhousesbythehour,haveatendencytositonbitsofcopingstoneinthesechurchyards,leaningwithbothhandsontheirsticksandasthmaticallygasping.Themoredepressedclassofbeggarstoo,bringhitherbrokenmeats,andmunch.Iamonnoddingtermswithameditativeturncockwholingersinoneofthem,andwhomIsuspectofaturnforpoetry;therather,ashelooksoutoftemperwhenhegivesthefire-plugadisparagingwrenchwiththatlargetuning-forkofhiswhichwouldwearouttheshoulderofhiscoat,butforaprecautionarypieceofinlaidleather.Fire-ladders,whichIamsatisfiednobodyknowsanythingabout,andthekeysofwhichwerelostinancienttimes,moulderawayinthelargerchurchyards,undereaveslikewoodeneyebrows;andsoremovedarethosecornersfromthehauntsofmenandboys,thatonceonafifthofNovemberIfounda‘Guy’trustedtotakecareofhimselfthere,

whilehisproprietorshadgonetodinner.OftheexpressionofhisfaceIcannotreport,becauseitwasturnedtothewall;buthisshruggedshouldersandhistenextendedfingers,appearedtodenotethathehadmoralisedinhislittlestrawchaironthemysteryofmortalityuntilhegaveitupasabadjob.

Youdonotcomeuponthesechurchyardsviolently;thereareshapesoftransitionintheneighbourhood.Anantiquatednewsshop,orbarber’sshop,apparentlybereftofcustomersintheearlierdaysofGeorgetheThird,wouldwarnmetolookoutforone,ifanydiscoveriesinthisrespectwereleftformetomake.Averyquietcourt,incombinationwithanunaccountabledyer’sandscourer’s,wouldpreparemeforachurchyard.Anexceedinglyretiringpublic-house,withabagatelle-boardshadilyvisibleinasawdustyparlourshapedlikeanomnibus,andwithashelfofpunch-bowlsinthebar,wouldapprisemethatIstoodnearconsecratedground.A‘Dairy,’exhibitinginitsmodestwindowoneverylittlemilk-canandthreeeggs,wouldsuggesttomethecertaintyoffindingthepoultryhardby,peckingatmyforefathers.IfirstinferredthevicinityofSaintGhastlyGrim,fromacertainairofextrareposeandgloompervadingavaststackofwarehouses.

Fromthehushoftheseplaces,itiscongenialtopassintothehushedresortsofbusiness.DownthelanesIliketoseethecartsandwaggonshuddledtogetherinrepose,thecranesidle,andthewarehousesshut.PausinginthealleysbehindtheclosedBanksofmightyLombard-street,itgivesoneasgoodasarichfeelingtothinkofthebroadcounterswitharimalongtheedge,madefortellingmoneyouton,thescalesforweighingpreciousmetals,theponderousledgers,and,aboveall,thebrightcoppershovelsforshovellinggold.WhenIdrawmoney,itneverseemssomuchmoneyaswhenitisshovelledatmeoutofabrightcoppershovel.Iliketosay,‘Ingold,’andtoseesevenpoundsmusicallypouringoutoftheshovel,likeseventy;theBankappearingtoremarktome—Iitaliciseappearing—‘ifyouwantmoreofthisyellowearth,wekeepitinbarrowsatyourservice.’Tothinkofthebanker’sclerkwithhisdeftfingerturningthecrispedgesoftheHundred-PoundNoteshehastakeninafatrolloutofadrawer,isagaintoheartherustlingofthatdelicioussouth-cashwind.‘Howwillyouhaveit?’IonceheardthisusualquestionaskedataBankCounterofanelderlyfemale,habitedinmourningandsteepedinsimplicity,whoanswered,open-eyed,crook-fingered,laughingwithexpectation,‘Anyhow!’CallingthesethingstomindasIstrollamongtheBanks,IwonderwhethertheothersolitarySundaymanIpass,hasdesignsupontheBanks.Fortheinterestandmysteryofthematter,Ialmosthopehemayhave,andthathisconfederatemaybeatthismomenttakingimpressionsofthekeysoftheironclosetsinwax,andthatadelightfulrobberymaybeincourseoftransaction.AboutCollege-hill,Mark-lane,andsoontowardstheTower,andDockward,thedesertedwine-merchants’cellarsarefinesubjectsforconsideration;butthedesertedmoney-cellarsoftheBankers,andtheirplate-cellars,andtheirjewel-cellars,whatsubterraneanregionsoftheWonderfulLamparethese!Andagain:possiblysomeshoelessboyinrags,passedthroughthisstreetyesterday,forwhomitisreservedtobeaBankerinthefulnessoftime,andtobesurpassingrich.Suchreverseshavebeen,sincethedaysofWhittington;andwere,longbefore.Iwanttoknowwhethertheboyhasanyforeglitteringofthatglitteringfortunenow,whenhetreadsthesestones,hungry.MuchasIalsowanttoknowwhetherthenextmantobehangedatNewgateyonder,hadanysuspicionuponhimthathewasmovingsteadilytowardsthat

fate,whenhetalkedsomuchaboutthelastmanwhopaidthesamegreatdebtatthesamesmallDebtors’Door.

Whereareallthepeoplewhoonbusyworking-dayspervadethesescenes?Thelocomotivebanker’sclerk,whocarriesablackportfoliochainedtohimbyachainofsteel,whereishe?Doeshegotobedwithhischainon—tochurchwithhischainon—ordoeshelayitby?Andifhelaysitby,whatbecomesofhisportfoliowhenheisunchainedforaholiday?Thewastepaperbasketsoftheseclosedcounting-houseswouldletmeintomanyhintsofbusinessmattersifIhadtheexplorationofthem;andwhatsecretsoftheheartshouldIdiscoveronthe‘pads’oftheyoungclerks—thesheetsofcartridge-paperandblotting-paperinterposedbetweentheirwritingandtheirdesks!Padsaretakenintoconfidenceonthetenderestoccasions,andoftentimeswhenIhavemadeabusinessvisit,andhavesentinmynamefromtheouteroffice,haveIhaditforcedonmydiscursivenoticethattheofficiatingyounggentlemanhasoverandoveragaininscribedAMELIA,ininkofvariousdates,oncornersofhispad.Indeed,thepadmayberegardedasthelegitimatemodernsuccessoroftheoldforest-tree:whereontheseyoungknights(havingnoattainableforestnearerthanEpping)engravethenamesoftheirmistresses.Afterall,itisamoresatisfactoryprocessthancarving,andcanbeoftenerrepeated.SothesecourtsintheirSundayrestarecourtsofLoveOmnipotent(Irejoicetobethinkmyself),dryastheylook.AndhereisGarraway’s,boltedandshutteredhardandfast!Itispossibletoimaginethemanwhocutsthesandwiches,onhisbackinahayfield;itispossibletoimaginehisdesk,likethedeskofaclerkatchurch,withouthim;butimaginationisunabletopursuethemenwhowaitatGarraway’salltheweekforthemenwhonevercome.WhentheyareforciblyputoutofGarraway’sonSaturdaynight—whichtheymustbe,fortheyneverwouldgooutoftheirownaccord—wheredotheyvanishuntilMondaymorning?OnthefirstSundaythatIeverstrayedhere,Iexpectedtofindthemhoveringabouttheselanes,likerestlessghosts,andtryingtopeepintoGarraway’sthroughchinksintheshutters,ifnotendeavouringtoturnthelockofthedoorwithfalsekeys,picks,andscrew-drivers.Butthewonderis,thattheygocleanaway!AndnowIthinkofit,thewonderis,thateveryworking-daypervaderofthesescenesgoescleanaway.Themanwhosellsthedogs’collarsandthelittletoycoal-scuttles,feelsunderasgreatanobligationtogoafaroff,asGlynandCo.,orSmith,Payne,andSmith.Thereisanoldmonastery-cryptunderGarraway’s(Ihavebeeninitamongtheportwine),andperhapsGarraway’s,takingpityonthemouldymenwhowaitinitspublic-roomalltheirlives,givesthemcoolhouse-roomdownthereoverSundays;butthecatacombsofPariswouldnotbelargeenoughtoholdtherestofthemissing.ThischaracteristicofLondonCitygreatlyhelpsitsbeingthequaintplaceitisintheweeklypauseofbusiness,andgreatlyhelpsmySundaysensationinitofbeingtheLastMan.Inmysolitude,theticket-portersbeingallgonewiththerest,Iventuretobreathetothequietbricksandstonesmyconfidentialwondermentwhyaticket-porter,whoneverdoesanyworkwithhishands,isboundtowearawhiteapron,andwhyagreatEcclesiasticalDignitary,whoneverdoesanyworkwithhishandseither,isequallyboundtowearablackone.

XXIVANOLDSTAGE-COACHINGHOUSE

BEFOREthewaitresshadshutthedoor,Ihadforgottenhowmanystage-coachesshesaidusedtochangehorsesinthetowneveryday.Butitwasoflittlemoment;anyhighnumberwoulddoaswellasanother.Ithadbeenagreatstage-coachingtowninthegreatstage-coachingtimes,andtheruthlessrailwayshadkilledandburiedit.

ThesignofthehousewastheDolphin’sHead.Whyonlyhead,Idon’tknow;fortheDolphin’seffigyatfulllength,andupsidedown—asaDolphinisalwaysboundtobewhenartisticallytreated,thoughIsupposeheissometimesrightsideupwardinhisnaturalcondition—gracedthesign-board.Thesign-boardchafeditsrustyhooksoutsidethebow-windowofmyroom,andwasashabbywork.NovisitorcouldhavedeniedthattheDolphinwasdyingbyinches,butheshowednobrightcolours.Hehadonceservedanothermaster;therewasanewerstreakofpaintbelowhim,displayingwithinconsistentfreshnessthelegend,ByJ.MELLOWS.

Mydooropenedagain,andJ.Mellows’srepresentativecameback.IhadaskedherwhatIcouldhavefordinner,andshenowreturnedwiththecounterquestion,whatwouldIlike?AstheDolphinstoodpossessedofnothingthatIdolike,Iwasfaintoyieldtothesuggestionofaduck,whichIdon’tlike.J.Mellows’srepresentativewasamournfulyoungwomanwitheyesusceptibleofguidance,andoneuncontrollableeye;whichlatter,seemingtowanderinquestofstage-coaches,deepenedthemelancholyinwhichtheDolphinwassteeped.

ThisyoungwomanhadbutshutthedooronretiringagainwhenIbethoughtmeofaddingtomyorder,thewords,‘withnicevegetables.’Lookingoutatthedoortogivethememphaticutterance,Ifoundheralreadyinastateofpensivecatalepsyinthedesertedgallery,pickingherteethwithapin.

AttheRailwayStationsevenmilesoff,IhadbeenthesubjectofwonderwhenIorderedaflyinwhichtocomehere.AndwhenIgavethedirection‘TotheDolphin’sHead,’Ihadobservedanominousstareonthecountenanceofthestrongyoungmaninvelveteen,whowastheplatformservantoftheCompany.Hehadalsocalledtomydriveratparting,‘Allri-ight!Don’thangyourselfwhenyougetthere,Geo-o-rge!’inasarcastictone,forwhichIhadentertainedsometransitorythoughtsofreportinghimtotheGeneralManager.

Ihadnobusinessinthetown—Ineverhaveanybusinessinanytown—butIhadbeencaughtbythefancythatIwouldcomeandlookatitinitsdegeneracy.MypurposewasfitlyinauguratedbytheDolphin’sHead,whicheverywhereexpressedpastcoachfulnessandpresentcoachlessness.Colouredprintsofcoaches,starting,arriving,changinghorses,coachesinthesunshine,coachesinthesnow,coachesinthewind,coachesinthemistandrain,coachesontheKing’sbirthday,coachesinallcircumstancescompatiblewiththeirtriumphandvictory,butneverintheactofbreakingdownoroverturning,pervadedthehouse.Oftheseworksofart,some,framedandnotglazed,hadholesinthem;thevarnishofothershadbecomesobrownandcracked,thattheylookedlikeoverdonepie-crust;the

designsofotherswerealmostobliteratedbythefliesofmanysummers.Brokenglasses,damagedframes,lop-sidedhanging,andconsignmentofincurablecripplestoplacesofrefugeindarkcorners,attestedthedesolationoftherest.TheoldroomonthegroundfloorwherethepassengersoftheHighflyerusedtodine,hadnothinginitbutawretchedshowoftwigsandflower-potsinthebroadwindowtohidethenakednessoftheland,andinacornerlittleMellows’sperambulator,withevenitsparasol-headturneddespondentlytothewall.Theotherroom,wherepost-horsecompanyusedtowaitwhilerelaysweregettingreadydowntheyard,stillhelditsground,butwasasairlessasIconceiveahearsetobe:insomuchthatMr.Pitt,hanginghighagainstthepartition(withspotsonhimlikeportwine,thoughitismysterioushowportwineevergotsquirtedupthere),hadgoodreasonforperkinghisnoseandsniffing.Thestopperlesscruetsonthespindle-shankedsideboardwereinamiserablydejectedstate:theanchovysaucehavingturnedbluesomeyearsago,andthecayennepepper(withascoopinitlikeasmallmodelofawoodenleg)havingturnedsolid.Theoldfraudulentcandleswhichwerealwaysbeingpaidforandneverused,wereburntoutatlast;buttheirtallstiltsofcandlesticksstilllingered,andstilloutragedthehumanintellectbypretendingtobesilver.ThemouldyoldunreformedBoroughMember,withhisrighthandbuttonedupinthebreastofhiscoat,andhisbackcharacteristicallyturnedonbalesofpetitionsfromhisconstituents,wastheretoo;andthepokerwhichneverhadbeenamongthefire-irons,lestpost-horsecompanyshouldoverstirthefire,wasnotthere,asofold.

PursuingmyresearchesintheDolphin’sHead,Ifounditsorelyshrunken.WhenJ.Mellowscameintopossession,hehadwalledoffhalfthebar,whichwasnowatobacco-shopwithitsownentranceintheyard—theoncegloriousyardwherethepostboys,whipinhandandalwaysbuttoningtheirwaistcoatsatthelastmoment,usedtocomerunningforthtomountandaway.A‘ScientificShoeing—SmithandVeterinarySurgeon,’hadfurtherencroachedupontheyard;andagrimlysatiricaljobber,whoannouncedhimselfashavingtoLet‘Aneatone-horsefly,andaone-horsecart,’hadestablishedhisbusiness,himself,andhisfamily,inapartoftheextensivestables.AnotherpartwasloppedcleanofffromtheDolphin’sHead,andnowcomprisedachapel,awheelwright’s,andaYoungMen’sMutualImprovementandDiscussionSociety(inaloft):thewholeformingabacklane.Noaudacioushandhadpluckeddownthevanefromthecentralcupolaofthestables,butithadgrownrustyandstuckatN-Nil:whilethescoreortwoofpigeonsthatremainedtruetotheirancestraltraditionsandtheplace,hadcollectedinarowontheroof-ridgeoftheonlyouthouseretainedbytheDolphin,wherealltheinsidepigeonstriedtopushtheoutsidepigeonoff.ThisIacceptedasemblematicalofthestruggleforpostandplaceinrailwaytimes.

Saunteringforthintothetown,bywayofthecoveredandpillaredentrancetotheDolphin’sYard,onceredolentofsoupandstable-litter,nowredolentofmustydisuse,Ipacedthestreet.Itwasahotday,andthelittlesun-blindsoftheshopswerealldrawndown,andthemoreenterprisingtradesmenhadcausedtheir’Prenticestotricklewateronthepavementappertainingtotheirfrontage.Itlookedasiftheyhadbeensheddingtearsforthestage-coaches,anddryingtheirineffectualpocket-handkerchiefs.Suchweaknesswouldhavebeenexcusable;forbusinesswas—asonedejectedporkmanwhokeptashopwhichrefusedtoreciprocatethecomplimentbykeepinghim,informedme—‘bitterbad.’Mostoftheharness-makersandcorn-dealersweregonethewayofthecoaches,butitwas

apleasantrecognitionoftheeternalprocessionofChildrendownthatoldoriginalsteepIncline,theValleyoftheShadow,thatthosetradesmenweremostlysucceededbyvendorsofsweetmeatsandcheaptoys.TheoppositionhousetotheDolphin,oncefamousastheNewWhiteHart,hadlongcollapsed.Inafitofabjectdepression,ithadcastwhitewashonitswindows,andboardedupitsfrontdoor,andreduceditselftoasideentrance;buteventhathadprovedaworldtoowidefortheLiteraryInstitutionwhichhadbeenitslastphase;fortheInstitutionhadcollapsedtoo,andoftheambitiouslettersofitsinscriptionontheWhiteHart’sfront,allhadfallenoffbutthese:

LYINST

—suggestiveofLamentablyInsolvent.Astotheneighbouringmarket-place,itseemedtohavewhollyrelinquishedmarketing,tothedealerincrockerywhosepotsandpansstraggledhalfacrossit,andtotheCheapJackwhosatwithfoldedarmsontheshaftsofhiscart,superciliouslygazingaround;hisvelveteenwaistcoat,evidentlyharbouringgravedoubtswhetheritwasworthhiswhiletostayanightinsuchaplace.

ThechurchbellsbegantoringasIleftthisspot,buttheybynomeansimprovedthecase,fortheysaid,inapetulantway,andspeakingwithsomedifficultyintheirirritation,WHAT’S-be-come-of-THE-coach-ES!’Norwouldthey(Ifoundonlistening)evervarytheiremphasis,saveinrespectofgrowingmoresharpandvexed,butinvariablywenton,‘WHAT’S-be-come-of-THE-coach-ES!’—alwaysbeginningtheinquirywithanunpoliteabruptness.Perhapsfromtheirelevationtheysawtherailway,anditaggravatedthem.

Cominguponacoachmaker’sworkshop,Ibegantolookaboutmewitharevivedspirit,thinkingthatperchanceImightbeholdtheresomeremainsoftheoldtimesofthetown’sgreatness.Therewasonlyonemanatwork—adryman,grizzled,andfaradvancedinyears,buttallandupright,who,becomingawareofmelookingon,straightenedhisback,pusheduphisspectaclesagainsthisbrown-papercap,andappearedinclinedtodefyme.TowhomIpacificallysaid:

‘Goodday,sir!’

‘What?’saidhe.

‘Goodday,sir.’

Heseemedtoconsideraboutthat,andnottoagreewithme.—‘Wasyoualookingforanything?’hethenasked,inapointedmanner.

‘Iwaswonderingwhethertherehappenedtobeanyfragmentofanoldstage-coachhere.’

‘Isthatall?’

‘That’sall.’

‘No,thereain’t.’

Itwasnowmyturntosay‘Oh!’andIsaidit.Notanotherworddidthedryandgrizzledmansay,butbenttohisworkagain.Inthecoach-makingdays,thecoach-paintershadtriedtheirbrushesonapostbesidehim;andquiteaCalendarofdepartedglorieswastobereaduponit,inblueandyellowandredandgreen,someinchesthick.Presentlyhelookedupagain.

‘Youseemtohaveadealoftimeonyourhands,’washisquerulousremark.

Iadmittedthefact.

‘Ithinkit’sapityyouwasnotbroughtuptosomething,’saidhe.

IsaidIthoughtsotoo.

Appearingtobeinformedwithanidea,helaiddownhisplane(foritwasaplanehewasatworkwith),pusheduphisspectaclesagain,andcametothedoor.

‘Wouldapo-shaydoforyou?’heasked.

‘IamnotsurethatIunderstandwhatyoumean.’

‘Wouldapo-shay,’saidthecoachmaker,standingclosebeforeme,andfoldinghisarmsinthemannerofacross-examiningcounsel—‘wouldapo-shaymeettheviewsyouhaveexpressed?Yes,orno?’

‘Yes.’

‘Thenyoukeepstraightalongdowntheretillyouseeone.You’llseeoneifyougofurenough.’

Withthat,heturnedmebytheshoulderinthedirectionIwastotake,andwentinandresumedhisworkagainstabackgroundofleavesandgrapes.For,althoughhewasasouredmanandadiscontented,hisworkshopwasthatagreeablemixtureoftownandcountry,streetandgarden,whichisoftentobeseeninasmallEnglishtown.

Iwentthewayhehadturnedme,andIcametotheBeer-shopwiththesignofTheFirstandLast,andwasoutofthetownontheoldLondonroad.IcametotheTurnpike,andIfoundit,initssilentway,eloquentrespectingthechangethathadfallenontheroad.TheTurnpike-housewasallovergrownwithivy;andtheTurnpike-keeper,unabletogetalivingoutofthetolls,pliedthetradeofacobbler.Notonlythat,buthiswifesoldginger-beer,and,intheverywindowofespialthroughwhichtheToll-takersofoldtimesusedwithawetobeholdthegrandLondoncoachescomingonatagallop,exhibitedforsalelittlebarber’s-polesofsweetstuffinastickylantern.

Thepoliticaleconomyofthemasteroftheturnpikethusexpresseditself.

‘Howgoesturnpikebusiness,master?’saidItohim,ashesatinhislittleporch,repairingashoe.

‘Itdon’tgoatall,master,’saidhetome.‘It’sstopped.’

‘That’sbad,’saidI.

‘Bad?’herepeated.Andhepointedtooneofhissunburntdustychildrenwhowasclimbingtheturnpike-gate,andsaid,extendinghisopenrighthandinremonstrancewithUniversalNature.‘Fiveon’em!’

‘ButhowtoimproveTurnpikebusiness?’saidI.

‘There’saway,master,’saidhe,withtheairofonewhohadthoughtdeeplyonthesubject.

‘Ishouldliketoknowit.’

‘Layatolloneverythingascomesthrough;layatollonwalkers.Layanothertolloneverythingasdon’tcomethrough;layatollonthemasstopsathome.’

‘Wouldthelastremedybefair?’

‘Fair?Themasstopsathome,couldcomethroughiftheyliked;couldn’tthey?’

‘Saytheycould.’

‘Toll’em.Iftheydon’tcomethrough,it’stheirlookout.Anyways,—Toll’em!’

FindingitwasasimpossibletoarguewiththisfinancialgeniusasifhehadbeenChancelloroftheExchequer,andconsequentlytherightmanintherightplace,Ipassedonmeekly.

Mymindnowbegantomisgivemethatthedisappointedcoach-makerhadsentmeonawild-gooseerrand,andthattherewasnopost-chaiseinthoseparts.Butcomingwithinviewofcertainallotment-gardensbytheroadside,Iretractedthesuspicion,andconfessedthatIhaddonehimaninjustice.For,thereIsaw,surely,thepoorestsuperannuatedpost-chaiseleftonearth.

Itwasapost-chaisetakenoffitsaxletreeandwheels,andplumpeddownontheclayeysoilamongaraggedgrowthofvegetables.Itwasapost-chaisenotevensetstraightupontheground,buttiltedover,asifithadfallenoutofaballoon.Itwasapost-chaisethathadbeenalongtimeinthosedecayedcircumstances,andagainstwhichscarletbeansweretrained.Itwasapost-chaisepatchedandmendedwitholdtea-trays,orwithscrapsofironthatlookedlikethem,andboardedupastothewindows,buthavingAKNOCKERontheoff-sidedoor.Whetheritwasapost-chaiseusedastool-house,summer-house,ordwelling-house,Icouldnotdiscover,fortherewasnobodyathomeatthepost-chaisewhenIknocked,butitwascertainlyusedforsomething,andlockedup.Inthewonderofthisdiscovery,Iwalkedroundandroundthepost-chaisemanytimes,andsatdownbythepost-chaise,waitingforfurtherelucidation.Nonecame.Atlast,ImademywaybacktotheoldLondonroadbythefurtherendoftheallotment-gardens,andconsequentlyatapointbeyondthatfromwhichIhaddiverged.Ihadtoscramblethroughahedgeanddownasteepbank,andInearlycamedowna-topofalittlesparemanwhosatbreakingstonesbytheroadside.

Hestayedhishammer,andsaid,regardingmemysteriouslythroughhisdarkgogglesofwire:

‘Areyouaware,sir,thatyou’vebeentrespassing?’

‘Iturnedoutoftheway,’saidI,inexplanation,‘tolookatthatoddpost-chaise.Doyouhappentoknowanythingaboutit?’

‘Iknowitwasmanyayearupontheroad,’saidhe.

‘SoIsupposed.Doyouknowtowhomitbelongs?’

Thestone-breakerbenthisbrowsandgogglesoverhisheapofstones,asifhewereconsideringwhetherheshouldanswerthequestionornot.Then,raisinghisbarredeyestomyfeaturesasbefore,hesaid:

‘Tome.’

Beingquiteunpreparedforthereply,Ireceiveditwithasufficientlyawkward‘Indeed!Dearme!’PresentlyIadded,‘Doyou—’Iwasgoingtosay‘livethere,’butitseemedsoabsurdaquestion,thatIsubstituted‘livenearhere?’

Thestone-breaker,whohadnotbrokenafragmentsincewebegantoconverse,thendidasfollows.Heraisedhimselfbypoisinghisfingeronhishammer,andtookhiscoat,onwhichhehadbeenseated,overhisarm.HethenbackedtoaneasierpartofthebankthanthatbywhichIhadcomedown,keepinghisdarkgogglessilentlyuponmeallthetime,andthenshoulderedhishammer,suddenlyturned,ascended,andwasgone.Hisfacewassosmall,andhisgogglesweresolarge,thatheleftmewhollyuninformedastohiscountenance;butheleftmeaprofoundimpressionthatthecurvedlegsIhadseenfrombehindashevanished,werethelegsofanoldpostboy.ItwasnotuntilthenthatInoticedhehadbeenworkingbyagrass-grownmilestone,whichlookedlikeatombstoneerectedoverthegraveoftheLondonroad.

Mydinner-hourbeingcloseathand,Ihadnoleisuretopursuethegogglesorthesubjectthen,butmademywaybacktotheDolphin’sHead.InthegatewayIfoundJ.Mellows,lookingatnothing,andapparentlyexperiencingthatitfailedtoraisehisspirits.

‘Idon’tcareforthetown,’saidJ.Mellows,whenIcomplimentedhimonthesanitaryadvantagesitmayormaynotpossess;‘IwishIhadneverseenthetown!’

‘Youdon’tbelongtoit,Mr.Mellows?’

‘Belongtoit!’repeatedMellows.‘IfIdidn’tbelongtoabetterstyleoftownthanthis,I’dtakeanddrownmyselfinapail.’ItthenoccurredtomethatMellows,havingsolittletodo,washabituallythrownbackonhisinternalresources—bywhichImeantheDolphin’scellar.

‘Whatwewant,’saidMellows,pullingoffhishat,andmakingasifheemptieditofthelastloadofDisgustthathadexudedfromhisbrain,beforeheputitonagainforanotherload;‘whatwewant,isaBranch.ThePetitionfortheBranchBillisinthecoffee-room.Wouldyouputyournametoit?Everylittlehelps.’

Ifoundthedocumentinquestionstretchedoutflatonthecoffee-roomtablebytheaidofcertainweightsfromthekitchen,andIgaveittheadditionalweightofmyuncommercialsignature.Tothebestofmybelief,Iboundmyselftothemodeststatementthatuniversaltraffic,happiness,prosperity,andcivilisation,togetherwithunboundednationaltriumphincompetitionwiththeforeigner,wouldinfalliblyflowfromtheBranch.

Havingachievedthisconstitutionalfeat,IaskedMr.Mellowsifhecouldgracemydinnerwithapintofgoodwine?Mr.Mellowsthusreplied.

‘IfIcouldn’tgiveyouapintofgoodwine,I’d—there!—I’dtakeanddrownmyselfinapail.ButIwasdeceivedwhenIboughtthisbusiness,andthestockwashiggledy-piggledy,andIhaven’tyettastedmywayquitethroughitwithaviewtosortingit.Therefore,ifyouorderonekindandgetanother,changetillitcomesright.Forwhat,’saidMellows,unloadinghishatasbefore,‘whatwouldyouoranygentlemando,ifyouorderedonekindofwineandwasrequiredtodrinkanother?Why,you’d(andnaturallyandproperly,havingthefeelingsofagentleman),you’dtakeanddrownyourselfinapail!’

XXVTHEBOILEDBEEFOFNEWENGLAND

THEshabbinessofourEnglishcapital,ascomparedwithParis,Bordeaux,Frankfort,Milan,Geneva—almostanyimportanttownonthecontinentofEurope—Ifindverystrikingafteranabsenceofanydurationinforeignparts.LondonisshabbyincontrastwithEdinburgh,withAberdeen,withExeter,withLiverpool,withabrightlittletownlikeBurySt.Edmunds.LondonisshabbyincontrastwithNewYork,withBoston,withPhiladelphia.Indetail,onewouldsayitcanrarelyfailtobeadisappointingpieceofshabbiness,toastrangerfromanyofthoseplaces.ThereisnothingshabbierthanDrury-lane,inRomeitself.ThemeannessofRegent-street,setagainstthegreatlineofBoulevardsinParis,isasstrikingastheabortiveuglinessofTrafalgar-square,setagainstthegallantbeautyofthePlacedelaConcorde.Londonisshabbybydaylight,andshabbierbygaslight.NoEnglishmanknowswhatgaslightis,untilheseestheRuedeRivoliandthePalaisRoyalafterdark.

ThemassofLondonpeopleareshabby.Theabsenceofdistinctivedresshas,nodoubt,somethingtodowithit.TheportersoftheVintners’Company,thedraymen,andthebutchers,areabouttheonlypeoplewhoweardistinctivedresses;andeventhesedonotwearthemonholidays.Wehavenothingwhichforcheapness,cleanliness,convenience,orpicturesqueness,cancomparewiththebeltedblouse.Astoourwomen;—nextEasterorWhitsuntide,lookatthebonnetsattheBritishMuseumortheNationalGallery,andthinkoftheprettywhiteFrenchcap,theSpanishmantilla,ortheGenoesemezzero.

Probablytherearenotmoresecond-handclothessoldinLondonthaninParis,andyetthemassoftheLondonpopulationhaveasecond-handlookwhichisnottobedetectedonthemassoftheParisianpopulation.IthinkthisismainlybecauseaParisianworkmandoesnotintheleasttroublehimselfaboutwhatiswornbyaParisianidler,butdressesinthewayofhisownclass,andforhisowncomfort.InLondon,onthecontrary,thefashionsdescend;andyouneverfullyknowhowinconvenientorridiculousafashionis,untilyouseeitinitslastdescent.Itwasbuttheotherday,onarace-course,thatIobservedfourpeopleinabarouchederivinggreatentertainmentfromthecontemplationoffourpeopleonfoot.Thefourpeopleonfootweretwoyoungmenandtwoyoungwomen;thefourpeopleinthebaroucheweretwoyoungmenandtwoyoungwomen.Thefouryoungwomenweredressedinexactlythesamestyle;thefouryoungmenweredressedinexactlythesamestyle.Yetthetwocouplesonwheelswereasmuchamusedbythetwocouplesonfoot,asiftheywerequiteunconsciousofhavingthemselvessetthosefashions,orofbeingatthatverymomentengagedinthedisplayofthem.

IsitonlyinthematterofclothesthatfashiondescendshereinLondon—andconsequentlyinEngland—andthenceshabbinessarises?Letusthinkalittle,andbejust.The‘BlackCountry’roundaboutBirmingham,isaveryblackcountry;butisitquiteasblackasithas

beenlatelypainted?AnappallingaccidenthappenedatthePeople’sParknearBirmingham,thislastJuly,whenitwascrowdedwithpeoplefromtheBlackCountry—anappallingaccidentconsequentonashamefullydangerousexhibition.DidtheshamefullydangerousexhibitionoriginateinthemoralblacknessoftheBlackCountry,andintheBlackPeople’speculiarloveoftheexcitementattendantongreatpersonalhazard,whichtheylookedonat,butinwhichtheydidnotparticipate?LightismuchwantedintheBlackCountry.Oweareallagreedonthat.But,wemustnotquiteforgetthecrowdsofgentlefolkswhosettheshamefullydangerousfashion,either.WemustnotquiteforgettheenterprisingDirectorsofanInstitutionvauntingmightyeducationalpretences,whomadethelowsensationasstrongastheypossiblycouldmakeit,byhangingtheBlondinropeashighastheypossiblycouldhangit.AllthismustnotbeeclipsedintheBlacknessoftheBlackCountry.Thereservedseatshighupbytherope,theclearedspacebelowit,sothatnooneshouldbesmashedbuttheperformer,thepretenceofslippingandfallingoff,thebasketsforthefeetandthesackforthehead,thephotographseverywhere,andthevirtuousindignationnowhere—allthismustnotbewhollyswallowedupintheblacknessofthejet-blackcountry.

WhatsoeverfashionissetinEngland,iscertaintodescend.Thisisatextforaperpetualsermononcareinsettingfashions.Whenyoufindafashionlowdown,lookbackforthetime(itwillneverbefaroff)whenitwasthefashionhighup.Thisisthetextforaperpetualsermononsocialjustice.FromimitationsofEthiopianSerenaders,toimitationsofPrince’scoatsandwaistcoats,youwillfindtheoriginalmodelinSt.James’sParish.WhentheSerenadersbecometiresome,tracethembeyondtheBlackCountry;whenthecoatsandwaistcoatsbecomeinsupportable,referthemtotheirsourceintheUpperToadyRegions.

Gentlemen’sclubswereoncemaintainedforpurposesofsavagepartywarfare;workingmen’sclubsofthesamedayassumedthesamecharacter.Gentlemen’sclubsbecameplacesofquietinoffensiverecreation;workingmen’sclubsbegantofollowsuit.Ifworkingmenhaveseemedratherslowtoappreciateadvantagesofcombinationwhichhavesavedthepocketsofgentlemen,andenhancedtheircomforts,itisbecauseworkingmencouldscarcely,forwantofcapital,originatesuchcombinationswithouthelp;andbecausehelphasnotbeenseparablefromthatgreatimpertinence,Patronage.Theinstinctiverevoltofhisspiritagainstpatronage,isaqualitymuchtoberespectedintheEnglishworkingman.Itisthebaseofthebaseofhisbestqualities.Norisitsurprisingthatheshouldbeundulysuspiciousofpatronage,andsometimesresentfulofitevenwhereitisnot,seeingwhatafloodofwashytalkhasbeenletlooseonhisdevotedhead,orwithwhatcomplacentcondescensionthesamedevotedheadhasbeensmoothedandpatted.Itisaprooftomeofhisself-controlthatheneverstrikesoutpugilistically,rightandleft,whenaddressedasoneof‘Myfriends,’or‘Myassembledfriends;’thathedoesnotbecomeinappeasable,andrunamucklikeaMalay,wheneverheseesabipedinbroadclothgettingonaplatformtotalktohim;thatanypretenceofimprovinghismind,doesnotinstantlydrivehimoutofhismind,andcausehimtotosshisobligingpatronlikeamadbull.

For,howoftenhaveIheardtheunfortunateworkingmanlectured,asifhewerealittlecharity-child,humidastohisnasaldevelopment,strictlyliteralastohisCatechism,andcalledbyProvidencetowalkallhisdaysinastationinliferepresentedonfestive

occasionsbyamugofwarmmilk-and-waterandabun!Whatpopgunsofjokeshavetheseearstingledtohearletoffathim,whatasininesentiments,whatimpotentconclusions,whatspelling-bookmoralities,whatadaptationsoftheorator’sinsufferabletediousnesstotheassumedlevelofhisunderstanding!Ifhissledge-hammers,hisspadesandpick-axes,hissawsandchisels,hispaint-potsandbrushes,hisforges,furnaces,andengines,thehorsesthathedroveathiswork,andthemachinesthatdrovehimathiswork,werealltoysinonelittlepaperbox,andhethebabywhoplayedwiththem,hecouldnothavebeendiscoursedto,moreimpertinentlyandabsurdlythanIhaveheardhimdiscoursedtotimesinnumerable.Consequently,notbeingafoolorafawner,hehascometoacknowledgehispatronagebyvirtuallysaying:‘Letmealone.Ifyouunderstandmenobetterthanthat,sirandmadam,letmealone.Youmeanverywell,Idaresay,butIdon’tlikeit,andIwon’tcomehereagaintohaveanymoreofit.’

Whateverisdoneforthecomfortandadvancementoftheworkingmanmustbesofardonebyhimselfasthatitismaintainedbyhimself.Andtheremustbeinitnotouchofcondescension,noshadowofpatronage.Inthegreatworkingdistricts,thistruthisstudiedandunderstood.WhentheAmericancivilwarrendereditnecessary,firstinGlasgow,andafterwardsinManchester,thattheworkingpeopleshouldbeshownhowtoavailthemselvesoftheadvantagesderivablefromsystem,andfromthecombinationofnumbers,inthepurchaseandthecookingoftheirfood,thistruthwasaboveallthingsborneinmind.Thequickconsequencewas,thatsuspicionandreluctancewerevanquished,andthattheeffortresultedinanastonishingandacompletesuccess.

SuchthoughtspassedthroughmymindonaJulymorningofthissummer,asIwalkedtowardsCommercialStreet(notUncommercialStreet),Whitechapel.TheGlasgowandManchestersystemhadbeenlatelyseta-goingthere,bycertaingentlemenwhofeltaninterestinitsdiffusion,andIhadbeenattractedbythefollowinghand-billprintedonrose-colouredpaper:

SELF-SUPPORTINGCOOKINGDEPÔT

FORTHEWORKINGCLASSES

Commercial-street,Whitechapel,

WhereAccommodationisprovidedforDiningcomfortably300Personsatatime.

Openfrom7A.M.till7P.M.

PRICES.

AllArticlesoftheBESTQUALITY.

CupofTeaorCoffee OnePenny

BreadandButter OnePenny

BreadandCheese OnePenny

SliceofbreadOnehalf-pennyor OnePenny

BoiledEgg OnePenny

GingerBeer OnePenny

TheaboveArticlesalwaysready.

Besidestheabovemaybehad,from12to3o’clock,

BowlofScotchBroth OnePenny

BowlofSoup OnePenny

PlateofPotatoes OnePenny

PlateofMincedBeef Twopence

PlateofColdBeef Twopence

PlateofColdHam Twopence

PlateofPlumPuddingorRice OnePenny

AstheEconomyofCookingdependsgreatlyuponthesimplicityofthearrangementswithwhichagreatnumberofpersonscanbeservedatonetime,theUpperRoomofthisEstablishmentwillbeespeciallysetapartfora

PUBLICDINNEREVERYDAY

From12till3o’clock,

ConsistingofthefollowingDishes:

BowlofBroth,orSoup,PlateofColdBeeforHam,

PlateofPotatoes,PlumPudding,orRice.

FIXEDCHARGE4½d.THEDAILYPAPERSPROVIDED.

N.B.—ThisEstablishmentisconductedonthestrictestbusinessprinciples,withthefullintentionofmakingitself-supporting,sothateveryonemayfrequentitwithafeelingofperfectindependence.

TheassistanceofallfrequentingtheDepôtisconfidentlyexpectedincheckinganythinginterferingwiththecomfort,quiet,andregularityoftheestablishment.

PleasedonotdestroythisHandBill,buthandittosomeotherpersonwhomitmayinterest.

TheSelf-SupportingCookingDepôt(notaverygoodname,andonewouldrathergiveitanEnglishone)hadhiredanewly-builtwarehousethatitfoundtolet;thereforeitwasnotestablishedinpremisesspeciallydesignedforthepurpose.But,atasmallcosttheywereexceedinglywelladaptedtothepurpose:beinglight,wellventilated,clean,andcheerful.Theyconsistedofthreelargerooms.Thatonthebasementstorywasthekitchen;thatonthegroundfloorwasthegeneraldining-room;thatonthefloorabovewastheUpperRoomreferredtointhehand-bill,wherethePublicDinneratfourpence-halfpennyaheadwasprovidedeveryday.Thecookingwasdone,withmucheconomyofspaceandfuel,byAmericancooking-stoves,andbyyoungwomennotpreviously,broughtupascooks;thewallsandpillarsofthetwodining-roomswereagreeablybrightenedwithornamentalcolours;thetableswerecapableofaccommodatingsixoreightpersonseach;theattendantswereallyoungwomen,becominglyandneatlydressed,anddressedalike.Ithinkthewholestaffwasfemale,withtheexceptionofthestewardormanager.

Myfirstinquiriesweredirectedtothewagesofthisstaff;because,ifanyestablishmentclaimingtobeself-supporting,liveuponthespoliationofanybodyoranything,orekeoutafeebleexistencebypoormouthsandbeggarlyresources(astoomanyso-calledMechanics’Institutionsdo),ImakeboldtoexpressmyUncommercialopinionthatithasnobusinesstolive,andhadbetterdie.Itwasmadecleartomebytheaccountbooks,thateverypersonemployedwasproperlypaid.Mynextinquiriesweredirectedtothequalityoftheprovisionspurchased,andtothetermsonwhichtheywerebought.Itwasmadeequallycleartomethatthequalitywastheverybest,andthatallbillswerepaidweekly.Mynextinquiriesweredirectedtothebalance-sheetforthelasttwoweeks—onlythethirdandfourthoftheestablishment’scareer.Itwasmadeequallycleartome,thataftereverythingboughtwaspaidfor,andaftereachweekwaschargedwithitsfullshareofwages,rentandtaxes,depreciationofplantinuse,andinterestoncapitalattherateoffourpercent.perannum,thelastweekhadyieldedaprofitof(inroundnumbers)onepoundten;andthepreviousweekaprofitofsixpoundsten.BythistimeIfeltthatIhadahealthyappetiteforthedinners.

Ithadjuststrucktwelve,andaquicksuccessionoffaceshadalreadybeguntoappearatalittlewindowinthewallofthepartitionedspacewhereIsatlookingoverthebooks.Withinthislittlewindow,likeapay-boxatatheatre,aneatandbriskyoungwomanpresidedtotakemoneyandissuetickets.Everyonecominginmusttakeaticket.Eitherthefourpence-halfpennyticketfortheupperroom(themostpopularticket,Ithink),orapennyticketforabowlofsoup,orasmanypennyticketsasheorshechoosetobuy.Forthreepennyticketsonehadquiteawiderangeofchoice.Aplateofcoldboiledbeefandpotatoes;oraplateofcoldhamandpotatoes;oraplateofhotmincedbeefandpotatoes;orabowlofsoup,breadandcheese,andaplateofplum-pudding.Touchingwhattheyshouldhave,somecustomersontakingtheirseatsfellintoareverie—becamemildlydistracted—postponeddecision,andsaidinbewilderment,theywouldthinkofit.OneoldmanInoticedwhenIsatamongthetablesinthelowerroom,whowasstartledbythebilloffare,andsatcontemplatingitasifitweresomethingofaghostlynature.Thedecisionoftheboyswasasrapidastheirexecution,andalwaysincludedpudding.

Therewereseveralwomenamongthediners,andseveralclerksandshopmen.Therewerecarpentersandpaintersfromtheneighbouringbuildingsunderrepair,andtherewerenauticalmen,andtherewere,asonedinerobservedtome,‘someofmostsorts.’Some

weresolitary,somecametwotogether,somedinedinpartiesofthreeorfour,orsix.Thelattertalkedtogether,butassuredlynoonewaslouderthanatmyclubinPall-Mall.Oneyoungfellowwhistledinratherashrillmannerwhilehewaitedforhisdinner,butIwasgratifiedtoobservethathedidsoinevidentdefianceofmyUncommercialindividuality.Quiteagreeingwithhim,onconsideration,thatIhadnobusinesstobethere,unlessIdinedliketherest,‘Iwentin,’asthephraseis,forfourpence-halfpenny.

Theroomofthefourpence-halfpennybanquethad,likethelowerroom,acounterinit,onwhichwererangedagreatnumberofcoldportionsreadyfordistribution.Behindthiscounter,thefragrantsoupwassteamingindeepcans,andthebest-cookedofpotatoeswerefishedoutofsimilarreceptacles.Nothingtoeatwastouchedwithhishand.Everywaitresshadherowntablestoattendto.Assoonasshesawanewcustomerseathimselfatoneofhertables,shetookfromthecounterallhisdinner—hissoup,potatoes,meat,andpudding—pileditupdexterouslyinhertwohands,setitbeforehim,andtookhisticket.Thisservingofthewholedinneratonce,hadbeenfoundgreatlytosimplifythebusinessofattendance,andwasalsopopularwiththecustomers:whowerethusenabledtovarythemealbyvaryingtheroutineofdishes:beginningwithsoup-to-day,puttingsoupinthemiddleto-morrow,puttingsoupattheendthedayafterto-morrow,andringingsimilarchangesonmeatandpudding.Therapiditywithwhicheverynew-comergotserved,wasremarkable;andthedexteritywithwhichthewaitresses(quitenewtotheartamonthbefore)dischargedtheirduty,wasasagreeabletosee,astheneatsmartnesswithwhichtheyworetheirdressandhaddressedtheirhair.

IfIseldomsawbetterwaiting,soIcertainlyneveratebettermeat,potatoes,orpudding.Andthesoupwasanhonestandstoutsoup,withriceandbarleyinit,and‘littlemattersfortheteethtotouch,’ashadbeenobservedtomebymyfriendbelowstairsalreadyquoted.Thedinner-service,too,wasneitherconspicuouslyhideousforHighArtnorforLowArt,butwasofapleasantandpureappearance.Concerningtheviandsandtheircookery,onelastremark.IdinedatmyclubinPall-Mallaforesaid,afewdaysafterwards,forexactlytwelvetimesthemoney,andnothalfaswell.

Thecompanythickenedafteroneo’clockstruck,andchangedprettyquickly.Althoughexperienceoftheplacehadbeensorecentlyattainable,andalthoughtherewasstillconsiderablecuriosityoutinthestreetandabouttheentrance,thegeneraltonewasasgoodascouldbe,andthecustomersfelleasilyintothewaysoftheplace.Itwascleartome,however,thattheyweretheretohavewhattheypaidfor,andtobeonanindependentfooting.Tothebestofmyjudgment,theymightbepatronisedoutofthebuildinginamonth.Withjudiciousvisiting,andbydintofbeingquestioned,readto,andtalkedat,theymightevenbegotridof(forthenextquarterofacentury)inhalfthetime.

Thisdisinterestedandwisemovementisfraughtwithsomanywholesomechangesinthelivesoftheworkingpeople,andwithsomuchgoodinthewayofovercomingthatsuspicionwhichourownunconsciousimpertinencehasengendered,thatitisscarcelygracioustocriticisedetailsasyet;therather,becauseitisindisputablethatthemanagersoftheWhitechapelestablishmentmostthoroughlyfeelthattheyareupontheirhonourwiththecustomers,astotheminutestpointsofadministration.But,althoughtheAmericanstovescannotroast,theycansurelyboilonekindofmeataswellasanother,andneednotalwayscircumscribetheirboilingtalentswithinthelimitsofhamandbeef.

Themostenthusiasticadmirerofthosesubstantials,wouldprobablynotobjecttooccasionalinconstancyinrespectofporkandmutton:or,especiallyincoldweather,toalittleinnocenttriflingwithIrishstews,meatpies,andtoadsinholes.AnotherdrawbackontheWhitechapelestablishment,istheabsenceofbeer.Regardedmerelyasaquestionofpolicy,itisveryimpolitic,ashavingatendencytosendtheworkingmentothepublic-house,whereginisreportedtobesold.But,thereisamuchhighergroundonwhichthisabsenceofbeerisobjectionable.Itexpressesdistrustoftheworkingman.ItisafragmentofthatoldmantleofpatronageinwhichsomanyestimableThugs,sodarklywanderingupanddownthemoralworld,aresworntomufflehim.Goodbeerisagoodthingforhim,hesays,andhelikesit;theDepôtcouldgiveithimgood,andhenowgetsitbad.WhydoestheDepôtnotgiveithimgood?Becausehewouldgetdrunk.WhydoestheDepôtnotlethimhaveapintwithhisdinner,whichwouldnotmakehimdrunk?Becausehemighthavehadanotherpint,oranothertwopints,beforehecame.Now,thisdistrustisanaffront,isexceedinglyinconsistentwiththeconfidencethemanagersexpressintheirhand-bills,andisatimidstopping-shortuponthestraighthighway.Itisunjustandunreasonable,also.Itisunjust,becauseitpunishesthesobermanfortheviceofthedrunkenman.Itisunreasonable,becauseanyoneatallexperiencedinsuchthingsknowsthatthedrunkenworkmandoesnotgetdrunkwherehegoestoeatanddrink,butwherehegoestodrink—expresslytodrink.TosupposethattheworkingmancannotstatethisquestiontohimselfquiteasplainlyasIstateithere,istosupposethatheisababy,andisagaintotellhimintheoldwearisome,condescending,patronisingwaythathemustbegoody-poody,anddoasheistoldy-poldy,andnotbeamanny-pannyoravoter-poter,butfoldhishandy-pandys,andbeachildy-pildy.

IfoundfromtheaccountsoftheWhitechapelSelf-SupportingCookingDepôt,thateveryarticlesoldinit,evenatthepricesIhavequoted,yieldsacertainsmallprofit!Individualspeculatorsareofcoursealreadyinthefield,andareofcoursealreadyappropriatingthename.Theclassesforwhosebenefittherealdepôtsaredesigned,willdistinguishbetweenthetwokindsofenterprise.

XXVICHATHAMDOCKYARD

THEREaresomesmallout-of-the-waylandingplacesontheThamesandtheMedway,whereIdomuchofmysummeridling.Runningwaterisfavourabletoday-dreams,andastrongtidalriveristhebestofrunningwaterformine.Iliketowatchthegreatshipsstandingouttoseaorcominghomerichlyladen,theactivelittlesteam-tugsconfidentlypuffingwiththemtoandfromthesea-horizon,thefleetofbargesthatseemtohavepluckedtheirbrownandrussetsailsfromtheripetreesinthelandscape,theheavyoldcolliers,lightinballast,flounderingdownbeforethetide,thelightscrewbarksandschoonersimperiouslyholdingastraightcoursewhiletheotherspatientlytackandgoabout,theyachtswiththeirtinyhullsandgreatwhitesheetsofcanvas,thelittlesailing-boatsbobbingtoandfroontheirerrandsofpleasureorbusiness,and—asitisthenatureoflittlepeopletodo—makingaprodigiousfussabouttheirsmallaffairs.Watchingtheseobjects,Istillamundernoobligationtothinkaboutthem,orevensomuchastoseethem,unlessitperfectlysuitsmyhumour.AslittleamIobligedtoheartheplashandflopofthetide,therippleatmyfeet,theclinkingwindlassafaroff,orthehummingsteam-shippaddlesfurtherawayyet.These,withthecreakinglittlejettyonwhichIsit,andthegaunthigh-watermarksandlow-watermarksinthemud,andthebrokencauseway,andthebrokenbank,andthebrokenstakesandpilesleaningforwardasiftheywerevainoftheirpersonalappearanceandlookingfortheirreflectioninthewater,willmeltintoanytrainoffancy.Equallyadaptabletoanypurposeortonone,aretheposturingsheepandkineuponthemarshes,thegullsthatwheelanddiparoundme,thecrows(welloutofgunshot)goinghomefromtherichharvest-fields,theheronthathasbeenouta-fishingandlooksasmelancholy,upthereinthesky,asifithadn’tagreedwithhim.Everythingwithintherangeofthesenseswill,bytheaidoftherunningwater,lenditselftoeverythingbeyondthatrange,andworkintoadrowsywhole,notunlikeakindoftune,butforwhichthereisnoexactdefinition.

Oneoftheselanding-placesisnearanoldfort(IcanseetheNoreLightfromitwithmypocket-glass),fromwhichfortmysteriouslyemergesaboy,towhomIammuchindebtedforadditionstomyscantystockofknowledge.Heisayoungboy,withanintelligentfaceburnttoadustcolourbythesummersun,andwithcrisphairofthesamehue.HeisaboyinwhomIhaveperceivednothingincompatiblewithhabitsofstudiousinquiryandmeditation,unlessanevanescentblackeye(Iwasdelicateofinquiringhowoccasioned)shouldbesoconsidered.TohimamIindebtedforabilitytoidentifyaCustom-houseboatatanydistance,andforacquaintancewithalltheformsandceremoniesobservedbyahomeward-boundIndiamancominguptheriver,whentheCustom-houseofficersgoaboardher.Butforhim,Imightneverhaveheardof‘thedumb-ague,’respectingwhichmaladyIamnowlearned.HadIneversatathisfeet,ImighthavefinishedmymortalcareerandneverknownthatwhenIseeawhitehorseonabarge’ssail,thatbargeisalimebarge.Forprecioussecretsinreferencetobeer,amIlikewisebeholdentohim,involvingwarningagainstthebeerofacertainestablishment,byreasonofitshavingturnedsour

throughfailureinpointofdemand:thoughmyyoungsageisnotofopinionthatsimilardeteriorationhasbefallentheale.Hehasalsoenlightenedmetouchingthemushroomsofthemarshes,andhasgentlyreprovedmyignoranceinhavingsupposedthemtobeimpregnatedwithsalt.Hismannerofimpartinginformation,isthoughtful,andappropriatetothescene.Ashereclinesbesideme,hepitchesintotheriver,alittlestoneorpieceofgrit,andthendelivershimselforacularly,asthoughhespokeoutofthecentreofthespreadingcirclethatitmakesinthewater.Heneverimprovesmymindwithoutobservingthisformula.

Withthewiseboy—whomIknowbynoothernamethantheSpiritoftheFort—Irecentlyconsortedonabreezydaywhentheriverleapedaboutusandwasfulloflife.IhadseenthesheavedcorncarryinginthegoldenfieldsasIcamedowntotheriver;andtherosyfarmer,watchinghislabouring-meninthesaddleonhiscob,hadtoldmehowhehadreapedhistwohundredandsixtyacresoflong-strawedcornlastweek,andhowabetterweek’sworkhehadneverdoneinallhisdays.Peaceandabundancewereonthecountry-sideinbeautifulformsandbeautifulcolours,andtheharvestseemedeventobesailingouttogracethenever-reapedseaintheyellow-ladenbargesthatmellowedthedistance.

ItwasonthisoccasionthattheSpiritoftheFort,directinghisremarkstoacertainfloatingironbatterylatelylyinginthatreachoftheriver,enrichedmymindwithhisopinionsonnavalarchitecture,andinformedmethathewouldliketobeanengineer.IfoundhimuptoeverythingthatisdoneinthecontractinglinebyMessrs.PetoandBrassey—cunninginthearticleofconcrete—mellowinthematterofiron—greatonthesubjectofgunnery.Whenhespokeofpile-drivingandsluice-making,heleftmenotalegtostandon,andIcanneversufficientlyacknowledgehisforbearancewithmeinmydisabledstate.Whilehethusdiscoursed,heseveraltimesdirectedhiseyestoonedistantquarterofthelandscape,andspokewithvaguemysteriousaweof‘theYard.’Ponderinghislessonsafterwehadparted,IbethoughtmethattheYardwasoneofourlargepublicDockyards,andthatitlayhiddenamongthecropsdowninthedipbehindthewindmills,asifitmodestlykeptitselfoutofviewinpeacefultimes,andsoughttotroublenoman.TakenwiththismodestyonthepartoftheYard,IresolvedtoimprovetheYard’sacquaintance.

MygoodopinionoftheYard’sretiringcharacterwasnotdashedbynearerapproach.Itresoundedwiththenoiseofhammersbeatinguponiron;andthegreatshedsorslipsunderwhichthemightymen-of-wararebuilt,loomedbusiness-likewhencontemplatedfromtheoppositesideoftheriver.Forallthat,however,theYardmadenodisplay,butkeptitselfsnugunderhill-sidesofcorn-fields,hop-gardens,andorchards;itsgreatchimneyssmokingwithaquiet—almostalazy—air,likegiantssmokingtobacco;andthegreatShearsmooredoffit,lookingmeeklyandinoffensivelyoutofproportion,liketheGiraffeofthemachinerycreation.Thestoreofcannonontheneighbouringgun-wharf,hadaninnocenttoy-likeappearance,andtheonered-coatedsentryondutyoverthemwasameretoyfigure,withaclock-workmovement.Asthehotsunlightsparkledonhimhemighthavepassedfortheidenticallittlemanwhohadthelittlegun,andwhosebulletstheyweremadeoflead,lead,lead.

CrossingtheriverandlandingattheStairs,whereadriftofchipsandweedhadbeentryingtolandbeforemeandhadnotsucceeded,buthadgotintoacornerinstead,Ifoundtheverystreetpoststobecannon,andthearchitecturalornamentstobeshells.AndsoI

cametotheYard,whichwasshutuptightandstrongwithgreatfoldedgates,likeanenormouspatentsafe.Thesegatesdevouringme,IbecamedigestedintotheYard;andithad,atfirst,aclean-sweptholidayair,asifithadgivenoverworkuntilnextwar-time.Thoughindeedaquantityofhempforropewastumblingoutofstore-houses,eventhere,whichwouldhardlybelyinglikesomuchhayonthewhitestonesiftheYardwereasplacidasitpretended.

Ding,Clash,Dong,BANG,Boom,Rattle,Clash,BANG,Clink,BANG,Dong,BANG,Clatter,BANGBANGBANG!Whatonearthisthis!Thisis,orsoonwillbe,theAchilles,ironarmour-platedship.Twelvehundredmenareworkingathernow;twelvehundredmenworkingonstagesoverhersides,overherbows,overherstern,underherkeel,betweenherdecks,downinherhold,withinherandwithout,crawlingandcreepingintothefinestcurvesofherlineswhereveritispossibleformentotwist.Twelvehundredhammerers,measurers,caulkers,armourers,forgers,smiths,shipwrights;twelvehundreddingers,clashers,dongers,rattlers,clinkers,bangersbangersbangers!YetallthisstupendousuproararoundtherisingAchillesisasnothingtothereverberationswithwhichtheperfectedAchillesshallresounduponthedreadfuldaywhenthefullworkisinhandforwhichthisisbutnoteofpreparation—thedaywhenthescuppersthatarenowfittinglikegreat,dry,thirstyconduit-pipes,shallrunred.Allthesebusyfiguresbetweendecks,dimlyseenbendingattheirworkinsmokeandfire,areasnothingtothefiguresthatshalldoworkhereofanotherkindinsmokeandfire,thatday.Thesesteam-workedenginesalongside,helpingtheshipbytravellingtoandfro,andwaftingtonsofironplatesabout,asthoughtheyweresomanyleavesoftrees,wouldberentlimbfromlimbiftheystoodbyherforaminutethen.TothinkthatthisAchilles,monstrouscompoundofirontankandoakenchest,caneverswimorroll!Tothinkthatanyforceofwindandwavecouldeverbreakher!TothinkthatwhereverIseeaglowingred-hotironpointthrustoutofhersidefromwithin—asIdonow,there,andthere,andthere!—andtwowatchingmenonastagewithout,withbaredarmsandsledge-hammers,strikeatitfiercely,andrepeattheirblowsuntilitisblackandflat,Iseearivetbeingdrivenhome,ofwhichtherearemanyineveryironplate,andthousandsuponthousandsintheship!TothinkthatthedifficultyIexperienceinappreciatingtheship’ssizewhenIamonboard,arisesfromherbeingaseriesofirontanksandoakenchests,sothatinternallysheiseverfinishingandeverbeginning,andhalfofhermightbesmashed,andyettheremaininghalfsufficeandbesound.Then,togooverthesideagainanddownamongtheoozeandwettothebottomofthedock,inthedepthsofthesubterraneanforestofdog-shoresandstaysthatholdherup,andtoseetheimmensemassbulgingoutagainsttheupperlight,andtaperingdowntowardsme,is,withgreatpainsandmuchclambering,toarriveatanimpossibilityofrealisingthatthisisashipatall,andtobecomepossessedbythefancythatitisanenormousimmovableedificesetupinanancientamphitheatre(say,thatatVerona),andalmostfillingit!Yetwhatwouldeventhesethingsbe,withoutthetributaryworkshopsandthemechanicalpowersforpiercingtheironplates—fourinchesandahalfthick—forrivets,shapingthemunderhydraulicpressuretothefinesttaperingturnsoftheship’slines,andparingthemaway,withknivesshapedlikethebeaksofstrongandcruelbirds,tothenicestrequirementsofthedesign!Thesemachinesoftremendousforce,soeasilydirectedbyoneattentivefaceandpresidinghand,seemtometohaveinthemsomethingoftheretiringcharacteroftheYard.‘Obedientmonster,pleasetobitethismassofironthroughandthrough,atequaldistances,wheretheseregularchalk-marksare,allround.’

Monsterlooksatitswork,andliftingitsponderoushead,replies,‘Idon’tparticularlywanttodoit;butifitmustbedone—!’Thesolidmetalwrigglesout,hotfromthemonster’scrunchingtooth,anditisdone.‘Dutifulmonster,observethisothermassofiron.Itisrequiredtobeparedaway,accordingtothisdelicatelylesseningandarbitraryline,whichpleasetolookat.’Monster(whohasbeeninareverie)bringsdownitsblunthead,and,muchinthemannerofDoctorJohnson,closelylooksalongtheline—veryclosely,beingsomewhatnear-sighted.‘Idon’tparticularlywanttodoit;butifitmustbedone—!’Monstertakesanothernear-sightedlook,takesaim,andthetorturedpiecewrithesoff,andfalls,ahot,tight-twistedsnake,amongtheashes.Themakingoftherivetsismerelyaprettyroundgame,playedbyamanandaboy,whoputred-hotbarleysugarinaPopeJoanboard,andimmediatelyrivetsfalloutofwindow;butthetoneofthegreatmachinesisthetoneofthegreatYardandthegreatcountry:‘Wedon’tparticularlywanttodoit;butifitmustbedone—!’

HowsuchaprodigiousmassastheAchillescaneverbeheldbysuchcomparativelylittleanchorsasthoseintendedforherandlyingnearherhere,isamysteryofseamanshipwhichIwillrefertothewiseboy.Formyownpart,Ishouldassoonhavethoughtoftetheringanelephanttoatent-peg,orthelargerhippopotamusintheZoologicalGardenstomyshirt-pin.Yonderintheriver,alongsideahulk,lietwoofthisship’shollowironmasts.Theyarelargeenoughfortheeye,Ifind,andsoareallherotherappliances.Iwonderwhyonlyheranchorslooksmall.

Ihavenopresenttimetothinkaboutit,forIamgoingtoseetheworkshopswheretheymakealltheoarsusedintheBritishNavy.Aprettylargepileofbuilding,Iopine,andaprettylongjob!Astothebuilding,Iamsoondisappointed,becausetheworkisalldoneinoneloft.Andastoalongjob—whatisthis?Tworatherlargemangleswithaswarmofbutterflieshoveringoverthem?Whatcantherebeinthemanglesthatattractsbutterflies?

Drawingnearer,Idiscernthatthesearenotmangles,butintricatemachines,setwithknivesandsawsandplanes,whichcutsmoothandstraighthere,andslantwisethere,andnowcutsuchadepth,andnowmisscuttingaltogether,accordingtothepredestinedrequirementsofthepiecesofwoodthatarepushedonbelowthem:eachofwhichpiecesistobeanoar,andisroughlyadaptedtothatpurposebeforeittakesitsfinalleaveoffar-offforests,andsailsforEngland.LikewiseIdiscernthatthebutterfliesarenottruebutterflies,butwoodenshavings,which,beingspirtedupfromthewoodbytheviolenceofthemachinery,andkeptinrapidandnotequalmovementbytheimpulseofitsrotationontheair,flutterandplay,andriseandfall,andconductthemselvesaslikebutterfliesasheartcouldwish.Suddenlythenoiseandmotioncease,andthebutterfliesdropdead.AnoarhasbeenmadesinceIcamein,wantingtheshapedhandle.AsquicklyasIcanfollowitwithmyeyeandthought,thesameoariscarriedtoaturninglathe.AwhirlandaNick!Handlemade.Oarfinished.

Theexquisitebeautyandefficiencyofthismachineryneednoillustration,buthappentohaveapointedillustrationto-day.Apairofoarsofunusualsizechancetobewantedforaspecialpurpose,andtheyhavetobemadebyhand.Sidebysidewiththesubtleandfacilemachine,andsidebysidewiththefast-growingpileofoarsonthefloor,amanshapesoutthesespecialoarswithanaxe.Attendedbynobutterflies,andchippinganddinting,bycomparisonasleisurelyasifhewerealabouringPagangettingthemreadyagainsthis

deceaseatthreescoreandten,totakewithhimasapresenttoCharonforhisboat,theman(agedaboutthirty)plieshistask.Themachinewouldmakearegulationoarwhilethemanwipeshisforehead.Themanmightbeburiedinamoundmadeofthestripsofthin,broad,woodenribbontornfromthewoodwhirledintooarsastheminutesfallfromtheclock,beforehehaddoneaforenoon’sworkwithhisaxe.

PassingfromthiswonderfulsighttotheShipsagain—formyheart,astotheYard,iswheretheshipsare—Inoticecertainunfinishedwoodenwallsleftseasoningonthestocks,pendingthesolutionofthemeritsofthewoodandironquestion,andhavinganairofbidingtheirtimewithsurlyconfidence.Thenamesoftheseworthiesaresetupbesidethem,togetherwiththeircapacityinguns—acustomhighlyconducivetoeaseandsatisfactioninsocialintercourse,ifitcouldbeadaptedtomankind.Byaplankmoregracefullypendulousthansubstantial,Imakeboldtogoaboardatransportship(ironscrew)justsentinfromthecontractor’syardtobeinspectedandpassed.Sheisaverygratifyingexperience,inthesimplicityandhumanityofherarrangementsfortroops,inherprovisionforlightandairandcleanliness,andinhercareforwomenandchildren.Itoccurstome,asIexploreher,thatIwouldrequireahandsomesumofmoneytogoaboardher,atmidnightbytheDockyardbell,andstayaboardalonetillmorning;forsurelyshemustbehauntedbyacrowdofghostsofobstinateoldmartinets,mournfullyflappingtheircherubicepaulettesoverthechangedtimes.ThoughstillwemaylearnfromtheastoundingwaysandmeansinourYardsnow,morehighlythanevertorespecttheforefatherswhogottosea,andfoughtthesea,andheldthesea,withoutthem.Thisremembranceputtingmeinthebestoftemperswithanoldhulk,verygreenastohercopper,andgenerallydimandpatched,Ipulloffmyhattoher.Whichsalutationacallowanddowny-facedyoungofficerofEngineers,goingbyatthemoment,perceiving,appropriates—andtowhichheismostheartilywelcome,Iamsure.

Havingbeentorntopieces(inimagination)bythesteamcircularsaws,perpendicularsaws,horizontalsaws,andsawsofeccentricaction,Icometothesaunteringpartofmyexpedition,andconsequentlytothecoreofmyUncommercialpursuits.

Everywhere,asIsaunterupanddowntheYard,Imeetwithtokensofitsquietandretiringcharacter.Thereisagravityuponitsredbrickofficesandhouses,astaidpretenceofhavingnothingworthmentioningtodo,anavoidanceofdisplay,whichIneversawoutofEngland.ThewhitestonesofthepavementpresentnoothertraceofAchillesandhistwelvehundredbangingmen(notoneofwhomstrikesanattitude)thanafewoccasionalechoes.Butforawhisperintheairsuggestiveofsawdustandshavings,theoar-makingandthesawsofmanymovementsmightbemilesaway.Downbelowhere,isthegreatreservoirofwaterwheretimberissteepedinvarioustemperatures,asapartofitsseasoningprocess.Aboveit,onatramroadsupportedbypillars,isaChineseEnchanter’sCar,whichfishesthelogsup,whensufficientlysteeped,androllssmoothlyawaywiththemtostackthem.WhenIwasachild(theYardbeingthenfamiliartome)IusedtothinkthatIshouldliketoplayatChineseEnchanter,andtohavethatapparatusplacedatmydisposalforthepurposebyabeneficentcountry.IstillthinkthatIshouldratherliketotrytheeffectofwritingabookinit.Itsretirementiscomplete,andtogoglidingtoandfroamongthestacksoftimberwouldbeaconvenientkindoftravellinginforeigncountries—amongtheforestsofNorthAmerica,thesoddenHondurasswamps,thedarkpinewoods,theNorwegianfrosts,andthetropicalheats,rainyseasons,and

thunderstorms.Thecostlystoreoftimberisstackedandstowedawayinsequesteredplaces,withthepervadingavoidanceofflourishoreffect.Itmakesaslittleofitselfaspossible,andcallstonoone‘Comeandlookatme!’Andyetitispickedoutfromthetreesoftheworld;pickedoutforlength,pickedoutforbreadth,pickedoutforstraightness,pickedoutforcrookedness,chosenwithaneyetoeveryneedofshipandboat.Strangelytwistedpieceslieabout,preciousinthesightofshipwrights.Saunteringthroughthesegroves,Icomeuponanopengladewhereworkmenareexaminingsometimberrecentlydelivered.Quiteapastoralscene,withabackgroundofriverandwindmill!andnomorelikeWarthantheAmericanStatesareatpresentlikeanUnion.

Saunteringamongtheropemaking,Iamspunintoastateofblissfulindolence,whereinmyropeoflifeseemstobesountwistedbytheprocessasthatIcanseebacktoveryearlydaysindeed,whenmybaddreams—theywerefrightful,thoughmymorematureunderstandinghasnevermadeoutwhy—wereofaninterminablesortofropemaking,withlongminutefilamentsforstrands,which,whentheywerespunhometogetherclosetomyeyes,occasionedscreaming.Next,Iwalkamongthequietloftsofstores—ofsails,spars,rigging,ships’boats—determinedtobelievethatsomebodyinauthoritywearsagirdleandbendsbeneaththeweightofamassivebunchofkeys,andthat,whensuchathingiswanted,hecomestellinghiskeyslikeBlueBeard,andopenssuchadoor.Impassiveasthelongloftslook,lettheelectricbatterysenddowntheword,andtheshuttersanddoorsshallflyopen,andsuchafleetofarmedships,understeamandundersail,shallburstforthaswillchargetheoldMedway—wherethemerryStuartlettheDutchcome,whilehisnotsomerrysailorsstarvedinthestreets—withsomethingworthlookingattocarrytothesea.ThusIidleroundtotheMedwayagain,whereitisnowfloodtide;andIfindtheriverevincingastrongsolicitudetoforceawayintothedrydockwhereAchillesiswaitedonbythetwelvehundredbangers,withintenttobearthewholeawaybeforetheyareready.

Tothelast,theYardputsaquietfaceuponit;forImakemywaytothegatesthroughalittlequietgroveoftrees,shadingthequaintestofDutchlanding-places,wheretheleaf-speckledshadowofashipwrightjustpassingawayatthefurtherendmightbetheshadowofRussianPeterhimself.So,thedoorsofthegreatpatentsafeatlastcloseuponme,andItakeboatagain:somehow,thinkingastheoarsdip,ofbraggartPistolandhisbrood,andofthequietmonstersoftheYard,withtheir‘Wedon’tparticularlywanttodoit;butifitmustbedone—!’Scrunch.

XXVIIINTHEFRENCH-FLEMISHCOUNTRY

‘ITisneitheraboldnoradiversifiedcountry,’saidItomyself,‘thiscountrywhichisthree-quartersFlemish,andaquarterFrench;yetithasitsattractionstoo.Thoughgreatlinesofrailwaytraverseit,thetrainsleaveitbehind,andgopuffingofftoParisandtheSouth,toBelgiumandGermany,totheNorthernSea-CoastofFrance,andtoEngland,andmerelysmokeitalittleinpassing.ThenIdon’tknowit,andthatisagoodreasonforbeinghere;andIcan’tpronouncehalfthelongqueernamesIseeinscribedovertheshops,andthatisanothergoodreasonforbeinghere,sinceIsurelyoughttolearnhow.’Inshort,Iwas‘here,’andIwantedanexcusefornotgoingawayfromhere,andImadeittomysatisfaction,andstayedhere.

WhatpartinmydecisionwasbornebyMonsieurP.Salcy,isofnomoment,thoughIowntoencounteringthatgentleman’snameonaredbillonthewall,beforeImadeupmymind.MonsieurP.Salcy,‘parpermissiondeM.leMaire,’hadestablishedhistheatreinthewhitewashedHôteldeVille,onthestepsofwhichillustriousedificeIstood.AndMonsieurP.Salcy,privilegeddirectorofsuchtheatre,situatein‘thefirsttheatricalarrondissementofthedepartmentoftheNorth,’invitedFrench-Flemishmankindtocomeandpartakeoftheintellectualbanquetprovidedbyhisfamilyofdramaticartists,fifteensubjectsinnumber.‘LaFamilleP.SALCY,composéed’artistesdramatiques,aunombrede15sujets.’

Neitheraboldnoradiversifiedcountry,Isayagain,andwithalanuntidycountry,butpleasantenoughtoridein,whenthepavedroadsovertheflatsandthroughthehollows,arenottoodeepinblackmud.Acountrysosparelyinhabited,thatIwonderwherethepeasantswhotillandsowandreaptheground,canpossiblydwell,andalsobywhatinvisibleballoonstheyareconveyedfromtheirdistanthomesintothefieldsatsunriseandbackagainatsunset.Theoccasionalfewpoorcottagesandfarmsinthisregion,surelycannotaffordsheltertothenumbersnecessarytothecultivation,albeittheworkisdonesoverydeliberately,thatononelongharvestdayIhaveseen,intwelvemiles,abouttwiceasmanymenandwomen(alltold)reapingandbinding.YethaveIseenmorecattle,moresheep,morepigs,andallinbettercase,thanwherethereispurerFrenchspoken,andalsobetterricks—roundswellingpeg-topricks,wellthatched;notashapelessbrownheap,likethetoastofaGiant’stoast-and-water,pinnedtotheearthwithoneoftheskewersoutofhiskitchen.Agoodcustomtheyhaveabouthere,likewise,ofprolongingtheslopingtiledroofoffarmorcottage,sothatitoverhangsthreeorfourfeet,carryingoffthewet,andmakingagooddrying-placewhereintohangupherbs,orimplements,orwhatnot.Abettercustomthanthepopularoneofkeepingtherefuse-heapandpuddleclosebeforethehousedoor:which,althoughIpaintmydwellingneversobrightlyblue(anditcannotbetooblueforme,hereabouts),willbringfeverinsidemydoor.WonderfulpoultryoftheFrench-Flemishcountry,whytakethetroubletobepoultry?Whynotstopshortateggsintherisinggeneration,anddieoutandhavedonewithit?ParentsofchickenshaveIseenthisday,followedbytheirwretchedyoungfamilies,scratchingnothingoutofthemud

withanair—totteringaboutonlegssoscraggyandweak,thatthevaliantworddrumsticksbecomesamockerywhenappliedtothem,andthecrowofthelordandmasterhasbeenameredejectedcaseofcroup.CartshaveIseen,andotheragriculturalinstruments,unwieldy,dislocated,monstrous.Poplar-treesbythethousandfringethefieldsandfringetheendoftheflatlandscape,sothatIfeel,lookingstraightonbeforeme,asif,whenIpasstheextremestfringeonthelowhorizon,Ishalltumbleoverintospace.Littlewhitewashedblackholesofchapels,withbarreddoorsandFlemishinscriptions,aboundatroadsidecorners,andoftentheyaregarnishedwithasheafofwoodencrosses,likechildren’sswords;or,intheirdefault,somehollowoldtreewithasaintroostinginit,issimilarlydecorated,orapolewithaverydiminutivesaintenshrinedaloftinasortofsacredpigeon-house.Notthatwearedeficientinsuchdecorationinthetownhere,for,overatthechurchyonder,outsidethebuilding,isascenicrepresentationoftheCrucifixion,builtupwitholdbricksandstones,andmadeoutwithpaintedcanvasandwoodenfigures:thewholesurmountingthedustyskullofsomeholypersonage(perhaps),shutupbehindalittleashyirongrate,asifitwereoriginallyputtheretobecooked,andthefirehadlonggoneout.Awindmillycountrythis,thoughthewindmillsaresodampandrickety,thattheynearlyknockthemselvesofftheirlegsateveryturnoftheirsails,andcreakinloudcomplaint.Aweavingcountry,too,forinthewaysidecottagestheloomgoeswearily—rattleandclick,rattleandclick—and,lookingin,Iseethepoorweavingpeasant,manorwoman,bendingatthework,whilethechild,workingtoo,turnsalittlehand-wheelputuponthegroundtosuititsheight.Anunconscionablemonster,theloominasmalldwelling,assertinghimselfungenerouslyasthebread-winner,straddlingoverthechildren’sstrawbeds,crampingthefamilyinspaceandair,andmakinghimselfgenerallyobjectionableandtyrannical.Heistributary,too,touglymillsandfactoriesandbleaching-grounds,risingoutofthesluicedfieldsinanabruptbareway,disdaining,likehimself,tobeornamentaloraccommodating.Surroundedbythesethings,hereIstoodonthestepsoftheHôteldeVille,persuadedtoremainbytheP.Salcyfamily,fifteendramaticsubjectsstrong.

TherewasaFairbesides.Thedoublepersuasionbeingirresistible,andmyspongebeingleftbehindatthelastHotel,Imadethetourofthelittletowntobuyanother.Inthesmallsunnyshops—mercers,opticians,anddruggist-grocers,withhereandthereanemporiumofreligiousimages—thegravestofoldspectacledFlemishhusbandsandwivessatcontemplatingoneanotheracrossbarecounters,whilethewasps,whoseemedtohavetakenmilitarypossessionofthetown,andtohaveplaceditunderwasp-martiallaw,executedwarlikemanœuvresinthewindows.Othershopsthewaspshadentirelytothemselves,andnobodycaredandnobodycamewhenIbeatwithafive-francpieceupontheboardofcustom.WhatIsoughtwasnomoretobefoundthanifIhadsoughtanuggetofCaliforniangold:soIwent,spongeless,topasstheeveningwiththeFamilyP.Salcy.

ThemembersoftheFamilyP.Salcyweresofatandsolikeoneanother—fathers,mothers,sisters,brothers,uncles,andaunts—thatIthinkthelocalaudienceweremuchconfusedabouttheplotofthepieceunderrepresentation,andtothelastexpectedthateverybodymustturnouttobethelong-lostrelativeofeverybodyelse.TheTheatrewasestablishedonthetopstoryoftheHôteldeVille,andwasapproachedbyalongbarestaircase,whereon,inanairysituation,oneoftheP.SalcyFamily—astoutgentlemanimperfectlyrepressedbyabelt—tookthemoney.Thisoccasionedthegreatestexcitement

oftheevening;for,nosoonerdidthecurtainriseontheintroductoryVaudeville,andrevealinthepersonoftheyounglover(singingaveryshortsongwithhiseyebrows)apparentlytheverysameidenticalstoutgentlemanimperfectlyrepressedbyabelt,thaneverybodyrushedouttothepaying-place,toascertainwhetherhecouldpossiblyhaveputonthatdress-coat,thatclearcomplexion,andthosearchedblackvocaleyebrows,insoshortaspaceoftime.Itthenbecamemanifestthatthiswasanotherstoutgentlemanimperfectlyrepressedbyabelt:towhom,beforethespectatorshadrecoveredtheirpresenceofmind,enteredathirdstoutgentlemanimperfectlyrepressedbyabelt,exactlylikehim.Thesetwo‘subjects,’makingwiththemoney-takerthreeoftheannouncedfifteen,fellintoconversationtouchingacharmingyoungwidow:who,presentlyappearing,provedtobeastoutladyaltogetherirrepressiblebyanymeans—quiteaparallelcasetotheAmericanNegro—fourthofthefifteensubjects,andsisterofthefifthwhopresidedoverthecheck-department.Ingoodtimethewholeofthefifteensubjectsweredramaticallypresented,andwehadtheinevitableMaMère,MaMère!andalsotheinevitablemalédictiond’unpère,andlikewisetheinevitableMarquis,andalsotheinevitableprovincialyoungman,weak-mindedbutfaithful,whofollowedJulietoParis,andcriedandlaughedandchokedallatonce.Thestorywaswroughtoutwiththehelpofavirtuousspinning-wheelinthebeginning,avicioussetofdiamondsinthemiddle,andarheumaticblessing(whicharrivedbypost)fromMaMèretowardstheend;thewholeresultinginasmallswordinthebodyofoneofthestoutgentlemenimperfectlyrepressedbyabelt,fiftythousandfrancsperannumandadecorationtotheotherstoutgentlemanimperfectlyrepressedbyabelt,andanassurancefromeverybodytotheprovincialyoungmanthatifhewerenotsupremelyhappy—whichheseemedtohavenoreasonwhateverforbeing—heoughttobe.Thisaffordedhimafinalopportunityofcryingandlaughingandchokingallatonce,andsenttheaudiencehomesentimentallydelighted.Audiencemoreattentiveorbetterbehavedtherecouldnotpossiblybe,thoughtheplacesofsecondrankintheTheatreoftheFamilyP.SalcyweresixpenceeachinEnglishmoney,andtheplacesoffirstrankashilling.Howthefifteensubjectsevergotsofatuponit,thekindHeavensknow.

Whatgorgeouschinafiguresofknightsandladies,gildedtilltheygleamedagain,ImighthaveboughtattheFairforthegarnitureofmyhome,ifIhadbeenaFrench-Flemishpeasant,andhadhadthemoney!Whatshiningcoffee-cupsandsaucersImighthavewonattheturntables,ifIhadhadtheluck!Ravishingperfumeryalso,andsweetmeats,Imighthavespeculatedin,orImighthavefiredforprizesatamultitudeoflittledollsinniches,andmighthavehitthedollofdolls,andwonfrancsandfame.Or,beingaFrench-Flemishyouth,Imighthavebeendrawninahand-cartbymycompeers,totiltformunicipalrewardsatthewater-quintain;which,unlessIsentmylancecleanthroughthering,emptiedafullbucketoverme;tofendoffwhich,thecompetitorsworegrotesqueoldscarecrowhats.Or,beingFrench-Flemishmanorwoman,boyorgirl,Imighthavecircledallnightonmyhobby-horseinastatelycavalcadeofhobby-horsesfourabreast,interspersedwithtriumphalcars,goingroundandroundandroundandround,wethegoodlycompanysingingaceaselesschorustothemusicofthebarrel-organ,drum,andcymbals.Onthewhole,notmoremonotonousthantheRinginHydePark,London,andmuchmerrier;forwhendothecirclingcompanysingchorus,there,tothebarrel-organ,whendotheladiesembracetheirhorsesroundtheneckwithbotharms,whendothegentlemenfantheladieswiththetailsoftheirgallantsteeds?Onalltheserevolving

delights,andontheirownespeciallampsandChineselanternsrevolvingwiththem,thethoughtfulweaver-facebrightens,andtheHôteldeVilleshedsanilluminatedlineofgaslight:whileaboveit,theEagleofFrance,gas-outlinedandapparentlyafflictedwiththeprevailinginfirmitiesthathavelightedonthepoultry,isinaveryundecidedstateofpolicy,andasabirdmoulting.Flagsflutterallaround.Suchistheprevailinggaietythatthekeeperoftheprisonsitsonthestonestepsoutsidetheprison-door,tohavealookattheworldthatisnotlockedup;whilethatagreeableretreat,thewine-shopoppositetotheprisonintheprison-alley(itssignLaTranquillité,becauseofitscharmingsituation),resoundswiththevoicesoftheshepherdsandshepherdesseswhoresorttherethisfestivenight.Anditremindsmethatonlythisafternoon,Isawashepherdintrouble,tendingthisway,overthejaggedstonesofaneighbouringstreet.Amagnificentsightitwas,tobeholdhiminhisblouse,afeeblelittlejog-trotrustic,sweptalongbythewindoftwoimmensegendarmes,incocked-hatsforwhichthestreetwashardlywideenough,eachcarryingabundleofstolenpropertythatwouldnothaveheldhisshoulder-knot,andclankingasabrethatdwarfedtheprisoner.

‘MessieursetMesdames,IpresenttoyouatthisFair,asamarkofmyconfidenceinthepeopleofthisso-renownedtown,andasanactofhomagetotheirgoodsenseandfinetaste,theVentriloquist,theVentriloquist!Further,MessieursetMesdames,IpresenttoyoutheFace-Maker,thePhysiognomist,thegreatChangerofCountenances,whotransformsthefeaturesthatHeavenhasbestoweduponhimintoanendlesssuccessionofsurprisingandextraordinaryvisages,comprehending,MessieursetMesdames,allthecontortions,energeticandexpressive,ofwhichthehumanfaceiscapable,andallthepassionsofthehumanheart,asLove,Jealousy,Revenge,Hatred,Avarice,Despair!Hihi!Hoho!Lulu!Comein!’Tothiseffect,withanoccasionalsmiteuponasonorouskindoftambourine—bestowedwithawill,asifitrepresentedthepeoplewhowon’tcomein—holdsforthamanofloftyandseveredemeanour;amaninstatelyuniform,gloomywiththeknowledgehepossessesoftheinnersecretsofthebooth.‘Comein,comein!Youropportunitypresentsitselfto-night;to-morrowitwillbegoneforever.To-morrowmorningbytheExpressTraintherailroadwillreclaimtheVentriloquistandtheFace-Maker!AlgeriawillreclaimtheVentriloquistandtheFace-Maker!Yes!Forthehonouroftheircountrytheyhaveacceptedpropositionsofamagnitudeincredible,toappearinAlgeria.Seethemforthelasttimebeforetheirdeparture!Wegotocommenceontheinstant.Hihi!Hoho!Lulu!Comein!Takethemoneythatnowascends,Madame;butafterthat,nomore,forwecommence!Comein!’

Nevertheless,theeyesbothofthegloomySpeakerandofMadamereceivingsousinamuslinbower,surveythecrowdprettysharplyaftertheascendingmoneyhasascended,todetectanylingeringsousattheturning-point.‘Comein,comein!Isthereanymoremoney,Madame,onthepointofascending?Ifso,wewaitforit.Ifnot,wecommence!’Theoratorlooksbackoverhisshouldertosayit,lashingthespectatorswiththeconvictionthathebeholdsthroughthefoldsofthedraperyintowhichheisabouttoplunge,theVentriloquistandtheFace-Maker.Severalsousburstoutofpockets,andascend.‘Comeup,then,Messieurs!’exclaimsMadameinashrillvoice,andbeckoningwithabejewelledfinger.‘Comeup!Thispresses.Monsieurhascommandedthattheycommence!’MonsieurdivesintohisInterior,andthelasthalf-dozenofusfollow.HisInterioriscomparativelysevere;hisExterioralso.AtrueTempleofArtneedsnothingbut

seats,drapery,asmalltablewithtwomoderatorlampshangingoverit,andanornamentallooking-glassletintothewall.Monsieurinuniformgetsbehindthetableandsurveysuswithdisdain,hisforeheadbecomingdiabolicallyintellectualunderthemoderators.‘MessieursetMesdames,IpresenttoyoutheVentriloquist.HewillcommencewiththecelebratedExperienceofthebeeinthewindow.Thebee,apparentlytheveritablebeeofNature,willhoverinthewindow,andabouttheroom.HewillbewithdifficultycaughtinthehandofMonsieurtheVentriloquist—hewillescape—hewillagainhover—atlengthhewillberecapturedbyMonsieurtheVentriloquist,andwillbewithdifficultyputintoabottle.Achievethen,Monsieur!’HeretheproprietorisreplacedbehindthetablebytheVentriloquist,whoisthinandsallow,andofaweaklyaspect.Whilethebeeisinprogress,MonsieurtheProprietorsitsapartonastool,immersedindarkandremotethought.Themomentthebeeisbottled,hestalksforward,eyesusgloomilyasweapplaud,andthenannounces,sternlywavinghishand:‘ThemagnificentExperienceofthechildwiththewhooping-cough!’Thechilddisposedof,hestartsupasbefore.‘ThesuperbandextraordinaryExperienceofthedialoguebetweenMonsieurTatambourinhisdining-room,andhisdomestic,Jerome,inthecellar;concludingwiththesongstersofthegrove,andtheConcertofdomesticFarm-yardanimals.’Allthisdone,andwelldone,MonsieurtheVentriloquistwithdraws,andMonsieurtheFace-Makerburstsin,asifhisretiring-roomwereamilelonginsteadofayard.Acorpulentlittlemaninalargewhitewaistcoat,withacomiccountenance,andwithawiginhishand.Irreverentdispositiontolaugh,instantlycheckedbythetremendousgravityoftheFace-Maker,whointimatesinhisbowthatifweexpectthatsortofthingwearemistaken.Averylittleshaving-glasswithalegbehinditishandedin,andplacedonthetablebeforetheFace-Maker.‘MessieursetMesdames,withnootherassistancethanthismirrorandthiswig,Ishallhavethehonourofshowingyouathousandcharacters.’Asapreparation,theFace-Makerwithbothhandsgougeshimself,andturnshismouthinsideout.Hethenbecomesfrightfullygraveagain,andsaystotheProprietor,‘Iamready!’Proprietorstalksforthfrombalefulreverie,andannounces‘TheYoungConscript!’Face-Makerclapshiswigon,hindsidebefore,looksintheglass,andappearsaboveitasaconscriptsoveryimbecile,andsquintingsoextremelyhard,thatIshouldthinktheStatewouldnevergetanygoodofhim.Thundersofapplause.Face-Makerdipsbehindthelooking-glass,bringshisownhairforward,ishimselfagain,isawfullygrave.‘AdistinguishedinhabitantoftheFaubourgSt.Germain.’Face-Makerdips,rises,issupposedtobeaged,blear-eyed,toothless,slightlypalsied,supernaturallypolite,evidentlyofnoblebirth.‘TheoldestmemberoftheCorpsofInvalidesonthefête-dayofhismaster.’Face-Makerdips,rises,wearsthewigononeside,hasbecomethefeeblestmilitaryboreinexistence,and(itisclear)wouldliefrightfullyabouthispastachievements,ifhewerenotconfinedtopantomime.‘TheMiser!’Face-Makerdips,rises,clutchesabag,andeveryhairofthewigisonendtoexpressthathelivesincontinualdreadofthieves.‘TheGeniusofFrance!’Face-Makerdips,rises,wigpushedbackandsmoothedflat,littlecocked-hat(artfullyconcealedtillnow)puta-topofit,Face-Maker’swhitewaistcoatmuchadvanced,Face-Maker’slefthandinbosomofwhitewaistcoat,Face-Maker’srighthandbehindhisback.Thunders.ThisisthefirstofthreepositionsoftheGeniusofFrance.Inthesecondposition,theFace-Makertakessnuff;inthethird,rollsuphisfighthand,andsurveysillimitablearmiesthroughthatpocket-glass.TheFace-Makerthen,byputtingouthistongue,andwearingthewignohowinparticular,becomestheVillageIdiot.Themostremarkablefeaturein

thewholeofhisingeniousperformance,is,thatwhateverhedoestodisguisehimself,hastheeffectofrenderinghimrathermorelikehimselfthanhewasatfirst.

Therewerepeep-showsinthisFair,andIhadthepleasureofrecognisingseveralfieldsofglorywithwhichIbecamewellacquaintedayearortwoagoasCrimeanbattles,nowdoingdutyasMexicanvictories.ThechangewasneatlyeffectedbysomeextrasmokingoftheRussians,andbypermittingthecampfollowersfreerangeintheforegroundtodespoiltheenemyoftheiruniforms.AsnoBritishtroopshadeverhappenedtobewithinsightwhentheartisttookhisoriginalsketches,itfollowedfortunatelythatnonewereinthewaynow.

TheFairwoundupwithaball.Respectingtheparticularnightoftheweekonwhichtheballtookplace,Ideclinetocommitmyself;merelymentioningthatitwasheldinastable-yardsoveryclosetotherailway,thatitwasamercythelocomotivedidnotsetfiretoit.(InScotland,Isuppose,itwouldhavedoneso.)There,inatentprettilydecoratedwithlooking-glassesandamyriadoftoyflags,thepeopledancedallnight.Itwasnotanexpensiverecreation,thepriceofadoubleticketforacavalierandladybeingoneandthreepenceinEnglishmoney,andevenofthatsmallsumfivepencewasreclaimablefor‘consommation:’whichwordIventuretotranslateintorefreshmentsofnogreaterstrength,atthestrongest,thanordinarywinemadehot,withsugarandlemoninit.Itwasaballofgreatgoodhumourandofgreatenjoyment,thoughverymanyofthedancersmusthavebeenaspoorasthefifteensubjectsoftheP.SalcyFamily.

Inshort,nothavingtakenmyownpetnationalpintpotwithmetothisFair,IwasverywellsatisfiedwiththemeasureofsimpleenjoymentthatitpouredintothedullFrench-Flemishcountrylife.Howdullthatis,Ihadanopportunityofconsidering—whentheFairwasover—whenthetri-colouredflagswerewithdrawnfromthewindowsofthehousesonthePlacewheretheFairwasheld—whenthewindowswerecloseshut,apparentlyuntilnextFair-time—whentheHôteldeVillehadcutoffitsgasandputawayitseagle—whenthetwopaviours,whomItaketoformtheentirepavingpopulationofthetown,wererammingdownthestoneswhichhadbeenpulledupfortheerectionofdecorativepoles—whenthejailerhadslammedhisgate,andsulkilylockedhimselfinwithhischarges.Butthen,asIpacedtheringwhichmarkedthetrackofthedepartedhobby-horsesonthemarket-place,ponderinginmymindhowlongsomehobby-horsesdoleavetheirtracksinpublicways,andhowdifficulttheyaretoerase,myeyesweregreetedwithagoodlysight.IbeheldfourmalepersonagesthoughtfullypacingthePlacetogether,inthesunlight,evidentlynotbelongingtothetown,andhavinguponthemacertainloosecosmopolitanairofnotbelongingtoanytown.Onewascladinasuitofwhitecanvas,anotherinacapandblouse,thethirdinanoldmilitaryfrock,thefourthinashapelessdressthatlookedasifithadbeenmadeoutofoldumbrellas.Allworedust-colouredshoes.Myheartbeathigh;for,inthosefourmalepersonages,althoughcomplexionlessandeyebrowless,IbeheldfoursubjectsoftheFamilyP.Salcy.Blue-beardedthoughtheywere,andbereftoftheyouthfulsmoothnessofcheekwhichisimpartedbywhatistermedinAlbiona‘Whitechapelshave’(andwhichis,infact,whitening,judiciouslyappliedtothejawswiththepalmofthehand),Irecognisedthem.AsIstoodadmiring,thereemergedfromtheyardofalowlyCabaret,theexcellentMaMère,MaMère,withthewords,‘Thesoupisserved;’wordswhichsoelatedthesubjectinthecanvassuit,thatwhentheyallranintopartake,hewentlast,dancingwithhishandsstuckangularlyinto

thepocketsofhiscanvastrousers,afterthePierrotmanner.GlancingdowntheYard,thelastIsawofhimwas,thathelookedinthroughawindow(atthesoup,nodoubt)ononeleg.

Fullofthispleasure,Ishortlyafterwardsdepartedfromthetown,littledreamingofanadditiontomygoodfortune.Butmorewasinreserve.Iwentbyatrainwhichwasheavywiththird-classcarriages,fullofyoungfellows(wellguarded)whohaddrawnunluckynumbersinthelastconscription,andwereontheirwaytoafamousFrenchgarrisontownwheremuchoftherawmilitarymaterialisworkedupintosoldiery.Atthestationtheyhadbeensittingabout,intheirthreadbarehomespunbluegarments,withtheirpoorlittlebundlesundertheirarms,coveredwithdustandclay,andthevarioussoilsofFrance;sadenoughatheart,mostofthem,butputtingagoodfaceuponit,andslappingtheirbreastsandsingingchorusesonthesmallestprovocation;thegayestspiritsshoulderinghalfloavesofblackbreadspearedupontheirwalking-sticks.Aswewentalong,theywereaudibleateverystation,chorusingwildlyoutoftune,andfeigningthehighesthilarity.Afterawhile,however,theybegantoleaveoffsinging,andtolaughnaturally,whileatintervalstheremingledwiththeirlaughterthebarkingofadog.Now,Ihadtoalightshortoftheirdestination,and,asthatstoppageofthetrainwasattendedwithaquantityofhornblowing,bellringing,andproclamationofwhatMessieurslesVoyageursweretodo,andwerenottodo,inordertoreachtheirrespectivedestinations,Ihadampleleisuretogoforwardontheplatformtotakeapartinglookatmyrecruits,whoseheadswerealloutatwindow,andwhowerelaughinglikedelightedchildren.ThenIperceivedthatalargepoodlewithapinknose,whohadbeentheirtravellingcompanionandthecauseoftheirmirth,stoodonhishind-legspresentingarmsontheextremevergeoftheplatform,readytosalutethemasthetrainwentoff.Thispoodleworeamilitaryshako(itisunnecessarytoadd,verymuchononesideoveroneeye),alittlemilitarycoat,andtheregulationwhitegaiters.Hewasarmedwithalittlemusketandalittlesword-bayonet,andhestoodpresentingarmsinperfectattitude,withhisunobscuredeyeonhismasterorsuperiorofficer,whostoodbyhim.Soadmirablewashisdiscipline,that,whenthetrainmoved,andhewasgreetedwiththepartingcheersoftherecruits,andalsowithashowerofcentimes,severalofwhichstruckhisshako,andhadatendencytodiscomposehim,heremainedstaunchonhispost,untilthetrainwasgone.Hethenresignedhisarmstohisofficer,tookoffhisshakobyrubbinghispawoverit,droppedonfourlegs,bringinghisuniformcoatintotheabsurdestrelationswiththeoverarchingskies,andranabouttheplatforminhiswhitegaiters,waginghistailtoanexceedinggreatextent.Itstruckmethattherewasmorewaggerythanthisinthepoodle,andthatheknewthattherecruitswouldneithergetthroughtheirexercises,norgetridoftheiruniforms,aseasilyashe;revolvingwhichinmythoughts,andseekinginmypocketssomesmallmoneytobestowuponhim,Icasuallydirectedmyeyestothefaceofhissuperiorofficer,andinhimbeheldtheFace-Maker!ThoughitwasnotthewaytoAlgeria,butquitethereverse,themilitarypoodle’sColonelwastheFace-Makerinadarkblouse,withasmallbundledanglingoverhisshoulderattheendofanumbrella,andtakingapipefromhisbreasttosmokeasheandthepoodlewenttheirmysteriousway.

XXVIIIMEDICINEMENOFCIVILISATION

MYvoyages(inpaperboats)amongsavagesoftenyieldmematterforreflectionathome.Itiscurioustotracethesavageinthecivilisedman,andtodetecttheholdofsomesavagecustomsonconditionsofsocietyratherboastfulofbeinghighabovethem.

Iwonder,istheMedicineManoftheNorthAmericanIndiansnevertobegotridof,outoftheNorthAmericancountry?HecomesintomyWigwamonallmannerofoccasions,andwiththeabsurdest‘Medicine.’Ialwaysfinditextremelydifficult,andIoftenfinditsimplyimpossible,tokeephimoutofmyWigwam.Forhislegal‘Medicine’hesticksuponhisheadthehairofquadrupeds,andplastersthesamewithfat,anddirtywhitepowder,andtalksagibberishquiteunknowntothemenandsquawsofhistribe.Forhisreligious‘Medicine’heputsonpuffywhitesleeves,littleblackaprons,largeblackwaistcoatsofapeculiarcut,collarlesscoatswithMedicinebutton-holes,Medicinestockingsandgaitersandshoes,andtopsthewholewithahighlygrotesqueMedicinalhat.Inonerespect,tobesure,Iamquitefreefromhim.OnoccasionswhentheMedicineMeningeneral,togetherwithalargenumberofthemiscellaneousinhabitantsofhisvillage,bothmaleandfemale,arepresentedtotheprincipalChief,hisnative‘Medicine’isacomicalmixtureofoldoddsandends(hiredoftraders)andnewthingsinantiquatedshapes,andpiecesofredcloth(ofwhichheisparticularlyfond),andwhiteandredandbluepaintfortheface.TheirrationalityofthisparticularMedicineculminatesinamockbattle-rush,fromwhichmanyofthesquawsareborneout,muchdilapidated.IneednotobservehowunlikethisistoaDrawingRoomatSt.James’sPalace.

TheAfricanmagicianIfinditverydifficulttoexcludefrommyWigwamtoo.Thiscreaturetakescasesofdeathandmourningunderhissupervision,andwillfrequentlyimpoverishawholefamilybyhispreposterousenchantments.Heisagreateateranddrinker,andalwaysconcealsarejoicingstomachunderagrievingexterior.Hischarmsconsistofaninfinitequantityofworthlessscraps,forwhichhechargesveryhigh.Heimpressesonthepoorbereavednatives,thatthemoreofhisfollowerstheypaytoexhibitsuchscrapsontheirpersonsforanhourortwo(thoughtheyneversawthedeceasedintheirlives,andareputinhighspiritsbyhisdecease),themorehonourablyandpiouslytheygrieveforthedead.Thepoorpeoplesubmittingthemselvestothisconjurer,anexpensiveprocessionisformed,inwhichbitsofstick,feathersofbirds,andaquantityofotherunmeaningobjectsbesmearedwithblackpaint,arecarriedinacertainghastlyorderofwhichnooneunderstandsthemeaning,ifiteverhadany,tothebrinkofthegrave,andarethenbroughtbackagain.

IntheTongaIslandseverythingissupposedtohaveasoul,sothatwhenahatchetisirreparablybroken,theysay,‘Hisimmortalparthasdeparted;heisgonetothehappyhunting-plains.’Thisbeliefleadstothelogicalsequencethatwhenamanisburied,some

ofhiseatinganddrinkingvessels,andsomeofhiswarlikeimplements,mustbebrokenandburiedwithhim.Superstitiousandwrong,butsurelyamorerespectablesuperstitionthanthehireofanticscrapsforashowthathasnomeaningbasedonanysincerebelief.

LetmehaltonmyUncommercialroad,tothrowapassingglanceonsomefuneralsolemnitiesthatIhaveseenwhereNorthAmericanIndians,AfricanMagicians,andTongaIslanders,aresupposednottobe.

Once,IdweltinanItaliancity,wheretheredweltwithmeforawhile,anEnglishmanofanamiablenature,greatenthusiasm,andnodiscretion.Thisfrienddiscoveredadesolatestranger,mourningovertheunexpecteddeathofoneverydeartohim,inasolitarycottageamongthevineyardsofanoutlyingvillage.Thecircumstancesofthebereavementwereunusuallydistressing;andthesurvivor,newtothepeasantsandthecountry,sorelyneededhelp,beingalonewiththeremains.Withsomedifficulty,butwiththestronginfluenceofapurposeatoncegentle,disinterested,anddetermined,myfriend—Mr.Kindheart—obtainedaccesstothemourner,andundertooktoarrangetheburial.

TherewasasmallProtestantcemeterynearthecitywalls,andasMr.Kindheartcamebacktome,heturnedintoitandchosethespot.Hewasalwayshighlyflushedwhenrenderingaserviceunaided,andIknewthattomakehimhappyImustkeepalooffromhisministration.Butwhenatdinnerhewarmedwiththegoodactionoftheday,andconceivedthebrilliantideaofcomfortingthemournerwith‘anEnglishfuneral,’IventuredtointimatethatIthoughtthatinstitution,whichwasnotabsolutelysublimeathome,mightproveafailureinItalianhands.However,Mr.Kindheartwassoenrapturedwithhisconception,thathepresentlywrotedownintothetownrequestingtheattendancewithto-morrow’searliestlightofacertainlittleupholsterer.Thisupholstererwasfamousforspeakingtheunintelligiblelocaldialect(hisown)inafarmoreunintelligiblemannerthananyothermanalive.

WhenfrommybathnextmorningIoverheardMr.Kindheartandtheupholstererinconferenceonthetopofanechoingstaircase;andwhenIoverheardMr.KindheartrenderingEnglishUndertakingphrasesintoverychoiceItalian,andtheupholstererreplyingintheunknownTongues;andwhenIfurthermorerememberedthatthelocalfuneralshadnoresemblancetoEnglishfunerals;Ibecameinmysecretbosomapprehensive.ButMr.Kindheartinformedmeatbreakfastthatmeasureshadbeentakentoensureasignalsuccess.

Asthefuneralwastotakeplaceatsunset,andasIknewtowhichofthecitygatesitmusttend,Iwentoutatthatgateasthesundescended,andwalkedalongthedusty,dustyroad.Ihadnotwalkedfar,whenIencounteredthisprocession:

1.Mr.Kindheart,muchabashed,onanimmensegreyhorse.

2.Abrightyellowcoachandpair,drivenbyacoachmaninbrightredvelvetknee-breechesandwaistcoat.(ThiswastheestablishedlocalideaofState.)Bothcoachdoorskeptopenbythecoffin,whichwasonitssidewithin,andstickingoutateach.

3.Behindthecoach,themourner,forwhomthecoachwasintended,walkinginthedust.

4.Concealedbehindaroadsidewellfortheirrigationofagarden,theunintelligibleUpholsterer,admiring.

Itmatterslittlenow.CoachesofallcoloursarealiketopoorKindheart,andherestsfarNorthofthelittlecemeterywiththecypress-trees,bythecitywallswheretheMediterraneanissobeautiful.

Myfirstfuneral,afairrepresentativefuneralafteritskind,wasthatofthehusbandofamarriedservant,oncemynurse.Shemarriedformoney.SallyFlanders,afterayearortwoofmatrimony,becametherelictofFlanders,asmallmasterbuilder;andeithersheorFlandershaddonemethehonourtoexpressadesirethatIshould‘follow.’Imayhavebeensevenoreightyearsold;—youngenough,certainly,tofeelratheralarmedbytheexpression,asnotknowingwheretheinvitationwasheldtoterminate,andhowfarIwasexpectedtofollowthedeceasedFlanders.Consentbeinggivenbytheheadsofhouses,Iwasjobbedupintowhatwaspronouncedathomedecentmourning(comprehendingsomebodyelse’sshirt,unlessmymemorydeceivesme),andwasadmonishedthatif,whenthefuneralwasinaction,Iputmyhandsinmypockets,ortookmyeyesoutofmypocket-handkerchief,Iwaspersonallylost,andmyfamilydisgraced.Ontheeventfulday,havingtriedtogetmyselfintoadisastrousframeofmind,andhavingformedaverypooropinionofmyselfbecauseIcouldn’tcry,IrepairedtoSally’s.Sallywasanexcellentcreature,andhadbeenagoodwifetooldFlanders,butthemomentIsawherIknewthatshewasnotinherownrealnaturalstate.SheformedasortofCoatofArms,groupedwithasmelling-bottle,ahandkerchief,anorange,abottleofvinegar,Flanders’ssister,herownsister,Flanders’sbrother’swife,andtwoneighbouringgossips—allinmourning,andallreadytoholdherwhenevershefainted.Atsightofpoorlittlemeshebecamemuchagitated(agitatingmemuchmore),andhavingexclaimed,‘Ohere’sdearMasterUncommercial!’becamehysterical,andswoonedasifIhadbeenthedeathofher.Anaffectingscenefollowed,duringwhichIwashandedaboutandpokedatherbyvariouspeople,asifIwerethebottleofsalts.Revivingalittle,sheembracedme,said,‘Youknewhimwell,dearMasterUncommercial,andheknewyou!’andfaintedagain:which,astherestoftheCoatofArmssoothinglysaid,‘donehercredit.’Now,Iknewthatsheneedn’thavefaintedunlesssheliked,andthatshewouldn’thavefaintedunlessithadbeenexpectedofher,quiteaswellasIknowitatthisday.Itmademefeeluncomfortableandhypocriticalbesides.Iwasnotsurebutthatitmightbemannersinmetofaintnext,andIresolvedtokeepmyeyeonFlanders’suncle,andifIsawanysignsofhisgoinginthatdirection,togotoo,politely.ButFlanders’suncle(whowasaweaklittleoldretailgrocer)hadonlyoneidea,whichwasthatweallwantedtea;andhehandeduscupsofteaallround,incessantly,whetherwerefusedornot.TherewasayoungnephewofFlanders’spresent,towhomFlanders,itwasrumoured,hadleftnineteenguineas.Hedrankalltheteathatwasofferedhim,thisnephew—amounting,Ishouldsay,toseveralquarts—andateasmuchplum-cakeashecouldpossiblycomeby;buthefeltittobedecentmourningthatheshouldnowandthenstopinthemidstofalumpofcake,andappeartoforgetthathismouthwasfull,inthecontemplationofhisuncle’smemory.Ifeltallthistobethefaultoftheundertaker,whowashandingusglovesonatea-trayasiftheyweremuffins,andtyingusintocloaks(minehadtobepinnedupallround,itwassolongforme),becauseIknewthathewasmakinggame.So,whenwegotoutintothestreets,andIconstantlydisarrangedtheprocessionbytumblingonthepeoplebeforemebecausemyhandkerchiefblindedmyeyes,andtrippingupthepeoplebehindmebecausemycloakwassolong,Ifeltthatwewereallmakinggame.IwastrulysorryforFlanders,butIknewthatitwasnoreasonwhyweshouldbetrying(thewomenwiththeirheadsinhoods

likecoal-scuttleswiththeblacksideoutward)tokeepstepwithamaninascarf,carryingathinglikeamourningspy-glass,whichhewasgoingtoopenpresentlyandsweepthehorizonwith.Iknewthatweshouldnotallhavebeenspeakinginoneparticularkey-notestruckbytheundertaker,ifwehadnotbeenmakinggame.Eveninourfaceswewereeveryoneofusasliketheundertakerasifwehadbeenhisownfamily,andIperceivedthatthiscouldnothavehappenedunlesswehadbeenmakinggame.WhenwereturnedtoSally’s,itwasallofapiece.Thecontinuedimpossibilityofgettingonwithoutplum-cake;theceremoniousapparitionofapairofdecanterscontainingportandsherryandcork;Sally’ssisteratthetea-table,clinkingthebestcrockeryandshakingherheadmournfullyeverytimeshelookeddownintotheteapot,asifitwerethetomb;theCoatofArmsagain,andSallyasbefore;lastly,thewordsofconsolationadministeredtoSallywhenitwasconsideredrightthatsheshould‘comeroundnicely:’whichwere,thatthedeceasedhadhad‘ascom-for-ta-bleafu-ne-ralascomfortablecouldbe!’

OtherfuneralshaveIseenwithgrown-upeyes,sincethatday,ofwhichtheburdenhasbeenthesamechildishburden.Makinggame.Realaffliction,realgriefandsolemnity,havebeenoutraged,andthefuneralhasbeen‘performed.’Thewasteforwhichthefuneralcustomsofmanytribesofsavagesareconspicuous,hasattendedthesecivilisedobsequies;andonce,andtwice,haveIwishedinmysoulthatifthewastemustbe,theywouldlettheundertakerburythemoney,andletmeburythefriend.

InFrance,uponthewhole,theseceremoniesaremoresensiblyregulated,becausetheyareuponthewholelessexpensivelyregulated.IcannotsaythatIhaveeverbeenmuchedifiedbythecustomoftyingabibandaprononthefrontofthehouseofmourning,orthatIwouldmyselfparticularlycaretobedriventomygraveinanoddingandbobbingcar,likeaninfirmfour-postbedstead,byaninkyfellow-creatureinacocked-hat.ButitmaybethatIamconstitutionallyinsensibletothevirtuesofacocked-hat.InprovincialFrance,thesolemnitiesaresufficientlyhideous,butarefewandcheap.Thefriendsandtownsmenofthedeparted,intheirowndressesandnotmasqueradingundertheauspicesoftheAfricanConjurer,surroundthehand-bier,andoftencarryit.Itisnotconsideredindispensabletostiflethebearers,oreventoelevatetheburdenontheirshoulders;consequentlyitiseasilytakenup,andeasilysetdown,andiscarriedthroughthestreetswithoutthedistressingflounderingandshufflingthatweseeathome.Adirtypriestortwo,andadirtieracolyteortwo,donotlendanyespecialgracetotheproceedings;andIregardwithpersonalanimositythebassoon,whichisblownatintervalsbythebig-leggedpriest(itisalwaysabig-leggedpriestwhoblowsthebassoon),whenhisfellowscombineinalugubriousstalwartdrawl.ButthereisfarlessoftheConjurerandtheMedicineManinthebusinessthanunderlikecircumstanceshere.Thegrimcoachesthatwereserveexpresslyforsuchshows,arenon-existent;ifthecemeterybefaroutofthetown,thecoachesthatarehiredforotherpurposesoflifearehiredforthispurpose;andalthoughthehonestvehiclesmakenopretenceofbeingovercome,Ihavenevernoticedthatthepeopleinthemweretheworseforit.InItaly,thehoodedMembersofConfraternitieswhoattendonfunerals,aredismalanduglytolookupon;buttheservicestheyrenderareatleastvoluntarilyrendered,andimpoverishnoone,andcostnothing.Whyshouldhighcivilisationandlowsavageryevercometogetheronthepointofmakingthemawantonlywastefulandcontemptiblesetofforms?

OnceIlostafriendbydeath,whohadbeentroubledinhistimebytheMedicineManand

theConjurer,anduponwhoselimitedresourcestherewereabundantclaims.TheConjurerassuredmethatImustpositively‘follow,’andbothheandtheMedicineManentertainednodoubtthatImustgoinablackcarriage,andmustwear‘fittings.’Iobjectedtofittingsashavingnothingtodowithmyfriendship,andIobjectedtotheblackcarriageasbeinginmoresensesthanoneajob.So,itcameintomymindtotrywhatwouldhappenifIquietlywalked,inmyownway,frommyownhousetomyfriend’sburial-place,andstoodbesidehisopengraveinmyowndressandperson,reverentlylisteningtothebestofServices.Itsatisfiedmymind,Ifound,quiteaswellasifIhadbeendisguisedinahiredhatbandandscarfbothtrailingtomyveryheels,andasifIhadcosttheorphanchildren,intheirgreatestneed,tenguineas.

Cananyonewhoeverbeheldthestupendousabsurditiesattendanton‘AmessagefromtheLords’intheHouseofCommons,turnupontheMedicineManofthepoorIndians?Hasheany‘Medicine’inthatdriedskinpouchofhis,sosupremelyludicrousasthetwoMastersinChanceryholdinguptheirblackpetticoatsandbuttingtheirridiculouswigsatMr.Speaker?Yetthereareauthoritiesinnumerabletotellme—asthereareauthoritiesinnumerableamongtheIndianstotellthem—thatthenonsenseisindispensable,andthatitsabrogationwouldinvolvemostawfulconsequences.Whatwouldanyrationalcreaturewhohadneverheardofjudicialandforensic‘fittings,’thinkoftheCourtofCommonPleasonthefirstdayofTerm?OrwithwhatanawakenedsenseofhumourwouldLIVINGSTONE’Saccountofasimilarscenebeperused,ifthefurandredclothandgoats’hairandhorsehairandpowderedchalkandblackpatchesonthetopofthehead,wereallatTalaMungongoinsteadofWestminster?Thatmodelmissionaryandgoodbravemanfoundatleastonetribeofblackswithaverystrongsenseoftheridiculous,insomuchthatalthoughanamiableanddocilepeople,theynevercouldseetheMissionariesdisposeoftheirlegsintheattitudeofkneeling,orhearthembeginahymninchorus,withoutburstingintoroarsofirrepressiblelaughter.ItismuchtobehopedthatnomemberofthisfacetioustribemayeverfindhiswaytoEnglandandgetcommittedforcontemptofCourt.

IntheTongaIslandalreadymentioned,thereareasetofpersonagescalledMataboos—orsomesuchname—whoarethemastersofallthepublicceremonies,andwhoknowtheexactplaceinwhicheverychiefmustsitdownwhenasolemnpublicmeetingtakesplace:ameetingwhichbearsafamilyresemblancetoourownPublicDinner,inrespectofitsbeingamainpartoftheproceedingsthateverygentlemanpresentisrequiredtodrinksomethingnasty.TheseMataboosareaprivilegedorder,soimportantistheiravocation,andtheymakethemostoftheirhighfunctions.AlongwayoutoftheTongaIslands,indeed,ratherneartheBritishIslands,wastherenocallinginoftheMataboostheotherdaytosettleanearth-convulsingquestionofprecedence;andwastherenoweightyopiniondeliveredonthepartoftheMatabooswhich,beinginterpretedtothatunluckytribeofblackswiththesenseoftheridiculous,wouldinfalliblysetthewholepopulationscreamingwithlaughter?

Mysenseofjusticedemandstheadmission,however,thatthisisnotquiteaone-sidedquestion.IfwesubmitourselvesmeeklytotheMedicineManandtheConjurer,andarenotexaltedbyit,thesavagesmayretortuponusthatweactmoreunwiselythantheyinothermatterswhereinwefailtoimitatethem.Itisawidelydiffusedcustomamongsavagetribes,whentheymeettodiscussanyaffairofpublicimportance,tositupallnight

makingahorriblenoise,dancing,blowingshells,and(incaseswheretheyarefamiliarwithfire-arms)flyingoutintoopenplacesandlettingoffguns.Itisquestionablewhetherourlegislativeassembliesmightnottakeahintfromthis.Ashellisnotamelodiouswind-instrument,anditismonotonous;butitisasmusicalas,andnotmoremonotonousthan,myHonourablefriend’sowntrumpet,orthetrumpetthatheblowssohardfortheMinister.TheuselessnessofarguingwithanysupporterofaGovernmentorofanOpposition,iswellknown.Trydancing.Itisabetterexercise,andhastheunspeakablerecommendationthatitcouldn’tbereported.Thehonourableandsavagememberwhohasaloadedgun,andhasgrownimpatientofdebate,plungesoutofdoors,firesintheair,andreturnscalmandsilenttothePalaver.Letthehonourableandcivilisedmembersimilarlychargedwithaspeech,dartintothecloistersofWestminsterAbbeyinthesilenceofnight,lethisspeechoff,andcomebackharmless.Itisnotatfirstsightaveryrationalcustomtopaintabroadbluestripeacrossone’snoseandbothcheeks,andabroadredstripefromtheforeheadtothechin,toattachafewpoundsofwoodtoone’sunderlip,tostickfish-bonesinone’searsandabrasscurtain-ringinone’snose,andtorubone’sbodyalloverwithrancidoil,asapreliminarytoenteringonbusiness.Butthisisaquestionoftasteandceremony,andsoistheWindsorUniform.Themannerofenteringonthebusinessitselfisanotherquestion.Acouncilofsixhundredsavagegentlemenentirelyindependentoftailors,sittingontheirhamsinaring,smoking,andoccasionallygrunting,seemtome,accordingtotheexperienceIhavegatheredinmyvoyagesandtravels,somehowtodowhattheycometogetherfor;whereasthatisnotatallthegeneralexperienceofacouncilofsixhundredcivilisedgentlemenverydependentontailorsandsittingonmechanicalcontrivances.ItisbetterthatanAssemblyshoulddoitsutmosttoenvelopitselfinsmoke,thanthatitshoulddirectitsendeavourstoenvelopingthepublicinsmoke;andIwouldratheritburiedhalfahundredhatchetsthanburiedonesubjectdemandingattention.

XXIXTITBULL’SALMS-HOUSES

BYthesideofmostrailwaysoutofLondon,onemayseeAlms-HousesandRetreats(generallywithaWingoraCentrewanting,andambitiousofbeingmuchbiggerthantheyare),someofwhicharenewly-foundedInstitutions,andsomeoldestablishmentstransplanted.Thereisatendencyinthesepiecesofarchitecturetoshootupwardunexpectedly,likeJack’sbean-stalk,andtobeornateinspiresofChapelsandlanternsofHalls,whichmightleadtotheembellishmentoftheairwithmanycastlesofquestionablebeautybutfortherestrainingconsiderationofexpense.However,themanners,beingalwaysofasanguinetemperament,comfortthemselveswithplansandelevationsofLoomingsinthefuture,andareinfluencedinthepresentbyphilanthropytowardstherailwaypassengers.For,thequestionhowprosperousandpromisingthebuildingscanbemadetolookintheireyes,usuallysupersedesthelesserquestionhowtheycanbeturnedtothebestaccountfortheinmates.

Whynoneofthepeoplewhoresideintheseplaceseverlookoutofwindow,ortakeanairinginthepieceofgroundwhichisgoingtobeagardenby-and-by,isoneofthewondersIhaveaddedtomyalways-lengtheninglistofthewondersoftheworld.Ihavegotitintomymindthattheyliveinastateofchronicinjuryandresentment,andonthataccountrefusetodecoratethebuildingwithahumaninterest.AsIhaveknownlegateesdeeplyinjuredbyabequestoffivehundredpoundsbecauseitwasnotfivethousand,andasIwasonceacquaintedwithapensioneronthePublictotheextentoftwohundredayear,whoperpetuallyanathematisedhisCountrybecausehewasnotinthereceiptoffour,havingnoclaimwhatevertosixpence:soperhapsitusuallyhappens,withincertainlimits,thattogetalittlehelpistogetanotionofbeingdefraudedofmore.‘Howdotheypasstheirlivesinthisbeautifulandpeacefulplace!’wasthesubjectofmyspeculationwithavisitorwhoonceaccompaniedmetoacharmingrusticretreatforoldmenandwomen:aquaintancientfoundationinapleasantEnglishcountry,behindapicturesquechurchandamongricholdconventgardens.Therewerebutsomedozenorsoofhouses,andweagreedthatwewouldtalkwiththeinhabitants,astheysatintheirgroinedroomsbetweenthelightoftheirfiresandthelightshininginattheirlatticedwindows,andwouldfindout.Theypassedtheirlivesinconsideringthemselvesmulctedofcertainouncesofteabyadeafoldstewardwholivedamongtheminthequadrangle.Therewasnoreasontosupposethatanysuchouncesofteahadeverbeeninexistence,orthattheoldstewardsomuchasknewwhatwasthematter;—hepassedhislifeinconsideringhimselfperiodicallydefraudedofabirch-broombythebeadle.

ButitisneithertooldAlms-Housesinthecountry,nortonewAlms-Housesbytherailroad,thatthesepresentUncommercialnotesrelate.Theyreferbacktojourneysmadeamongthosecommon-place,smoky-frontedLondonAlms-Houses,withalittlepavedcourt-yardinfrontenclosedbyironrailings,whichhavegotsnowedup,asitwere,bybricksandmortar;whichwereonceinasuburb,butarenowinthedenselypopulatedtown;gapsinthebusylifearoundthem,parenthesesinthecloseandblottedtextsofthe

streets.

Sometimes,theseAlms-HousesbelongtoaCompanyorSociety.Sometimes,theywereestablishedbyindividuals,andaremaintainedoutofprivatefundsbequeathedinperpetuitylongago.MyfavouriteamongthemisTitbull’s,whichestablishmentisapictureofmany.OfTitbullIknownomorethanthathedeceasedin1723,thathisChristiannamewasSampson,andhissocialdesignationEsquire,andthathefoundedtheseAlms-HousesasDwellingsforNinePoorWomenandSixPoorMenbyhisWillandTestament.Ishouldnotknoweventhismuch,butforitsbeinginscribedonagrimstoneverydifficulttoread,letintothefrontofthecentrehouseofTitbull’sAlms-Houses,andwhichstoneisornamenteda-topwithapieceofsculptureddraperyresemblingtheeffigyofTitbull’sbath-towel.

Titbull’sAlms-HousesareintheeastofLondon,inagreathighway,inapoor,busy,andthrongedneighbourhood.Oldironandfriedfish,coughdropsandartificialflowers,boiledpigs’-feetandhouseholdfurniturethatlooksasifitwerepolishedupwithlip-salve,umbrellasfullofvocalliteratureandsaucersfullofshell-fishinagreenjuicewhichIhopeisnaturaltothemwhentheirhealthisgood,garnishthepavedsidewaysasyougotoTitbull’s.ItakethegroundtohaveriseninthosepartssinceTitbull’stime,andyoudropintohisdomainbythreestonesteps.SodidIfirstdropintoit,verynearlystrikingmybrowsagainstTitbull’spump,whichstandswithitsbacktothethoroughfarejustinsidethegate,andhasaconceitedairofreviewingTitbull’spensioners.

‘Andaworseone,’saidavirulentoldmanwithapitcher,‘thereisn’tnowhere.Aharderonetowork,noragrudgineronetoyield,thereisn’tnowhere!’Thisoldmanworealongcoat,suchasweseeHogarth’sChairmenrepresentedwith,anditwasofthatpeculiargreen-peahuewithoutthegreen,whichseemstocomeofpoverty.Ithadalsothatpeculiarsmellofcupboardwhichseemstocomeofpoverty.

‘Thepumpisrusty,perhaps,’saidI.

‘Notit,’saidtheoldman,regardingitwithundilutedvirulenceinhiswateryeye.‘Itneverwerefittobetermedapump.That’swhat’sthematterwithit.’

‘Whosefaultisthat?’saidI.

Theoldman,whohadaworkingmouthwhichseemedtobetryingtomasticatehisangerandtofindthatitwastoohardandtherewastoomuchofit,replied,‘Themgentlemen.’

‘Whatgentlemen?’

‘Maybeyou’reoneof’em?’saidtheoldman,suspiciously.

‘Thetrustees?’

‘Iwouldn’ttrust’emmyself,’saidthevirulentoldman.

‘Ifyoumeanthegentlemenwhoadministerthisplace,no,Iamnotoneofthem;norhaveIeversomuchasheardofthem.’

‘IwishIneverheardofthem,’gaspedtheoldman:‘atmytimeoflife—withtherheumatics—drawingwater-fromthatthing!’NottobedeludedintocallingitaPump,theoldmangaveitanothervirulentlook,tookuphispitcher,andcarrieditintoacorner

dwelling-house,shuttingthedoorafterhim.

Lookingaroundandseeingthateachlittlehousewasahouseoftwolittlerooms;andseeingthatthelittleoblongcourt-yardinfrontwaslikeagraveyardfortheinhabitants,savingthatnowordwasengravenonitsflatdrystones;andseeingthatthecurrentsoflifeandnoiserantoandfrooutside,havingnomoretodowiththeplacethanifitwereasortoflow-watermarkonalivelybeach;Isay,seeingthisandnothingelse,Iwasgoingoutatthegatewhenoneofthedoorsopened.

‘Wasyoulookingforanything,sir?’askedatidy,well-favouredwoman.

Really,no;Icouldn’tsayIwas.

‘Notwantinganyone,sir?’

‘No—atleastI—praywhatisthenameoftheelderlygentlemanwholivesinthecornerthere?’

ThetidywomansteppedouttobesureofthedoorIindicated,andsheandthepumpandIstoodallthreeinarowwithourbackstothethoroughfare.

‘Oh!HisnameisMr.Battens,’saidthetidywoman,droppinghervoice.

‘Ihavejustbeentalkingwithhim.’

‘Indeed?’saidthetidywoman.‘Ho!IwonderMr.Battenstalked!’

‘Isheusuallysosilent?’

‘Well,Mr.Battensistheoldesthere—thatistosay,theoldestoftheoldgentlemen—inpointofresidence.’

Shehadawayofpassingherhandsoverandunderoneanotherasshespoke,thatwasnotonlytidybutpropitiatory;soIaskedherifImightlookatherlittlesitting-room?ShewillinglyrepliedYes,andwewentintoittogether:sheleavingthedooropen,withaneyeasIunderstoodtothesocialproprieties.Thedooropeningatonceintotheroomwithoutanyinterveningentry,evenscandalmusthavebeensilencedbytheprecaution.

Itwasagloomylittlechamber,butclean,andwithamugofwallflowerinthewindow.Onthechimney-pieceweretwopeacock’sfeathers,acarvedship,afewshells,andablackprofilewithoneeyelash;whetherthisportraitpurportedtobemaleorfemalepassedmycomprehension,untilmyhostessinformedmethatitwasheronlyson,and‘quiteaspeakingone.’

‘Heisalive,Ihope?’

‘No,sir,’saidthewidow,‘hewerecastawayinChina.’Thiswassaidwithamodestsenseofitsreflectingacertaingeographicaldistinctiononhismother.

‘Iftheoldgentlemenherearenotgiventotalking,’saidI,‘Ihopetheoldladiesare?—notthatyouareone.’

Sheshookherhead.‘Youseetheygetsocross.’

‘Howisthat?’

‘Well,whetherthegentlemenreallydodepriveusofanylittlematterswhichoughttobe

oursbyrights,Icannotsayforcertain;buttheopinionoftheoldonesistheydo.AndMr.BattenshedoevengosofarastodoubtwhethercreditisduetotheFounder.ForMr.Battenshedosay,anyhowhegothisnameupbyitandhedoneitcheap.’

‘IamafraidthepumphassouredMr.Battens.’

‘Itmaybeso,’returnedthetidywidow,‘butthehandledoesgoveryhard.Still,whatIsaytomyselfis,thegentlemenmaynotpocketthedifferencebetweenagoodpumpandabadone,andIwouldwishtothinkwellofthem.Andthedwellings,’saidmyhostess,glancingroundherroom;‘perhapstheywereconvenientdwellingsintheFounder’stime,consideredashistime,andthereforeheshouldnotbeblamed.ButMrs.Saggersisveryharduponthem.’

‘Mrs.Saggersistheoldesthere?’

‘Theoldestbutone.Mrs.Quinchbeingtheoldest,andhavetotallylostherhead.’

‘Andyou?’

‘Iamtheyoungestinresidence,andconsequentlyamnotlookedupto.ButwhenMrs.Quinchmakesahappyrelease,therewillbeonebelowme.NorisittobeexpectedthatMrs.Saggerswillproveherselfimmortal.’

‘True.NorMr.Battens.’

‘Regardingtheoldgentlemen,’saidmywidowslightingly,‘theycountamongthemselves.Theydonotcountamongus.Mr.Battensisthatexceptionalthathehavewrittentothegentlemenmanytimesandhaveworkedthecaseagainstthem.Thereforehehavetookahigherground.Butwedonot,asarule,greatlyreckontheoldgentlemen.’

Pursuingthesubject,Ifoundittobetraditionallysettledamongthepoorladiesthatthepoorgentlemen,whatevertheirages,wereallveryoldindeed,andinastateofdotage.Ialsodiscoveredthatthejuniorsandnewcomerspreserved,foratime,awaningdispositiontobelieveinTitbullandhistrustees,butthatastheygainedsocialstandingtheylostthisfaith,anddisparagedTitbullandallhisworks.

Improvingmyacquaintancesubsequentlywiththisrespectedlady,whosenamewasMrs.Mitts,andoccasionallydroppinginuponherwithalittleofferingofsoundFamilyHysoninmypocket,IgraduallybecamefamiliarwiththeinnerpoliticsandwaysofTitbull’sAlms-Houses.ButInevercouldfindoutwhothetrusteeswere,orwheretheywere:itbeingoneofthefixedideasoftheplacethatthoseauthoritiesmustbevaguelyandmysteriouslymentionedas‘thegentlemen’only.Thesecretaryof‘thegentlemen’wasoncepointedouttome,evidentlyengagedinchampioningtheobnoxiouspumpagainsttheattacksofthediscontentedMr.Battens;butIamnotinaconditiontoreportfurtherofhimthanthathehadthesprightlybearingofalawyer’sclerk.IhaditfromMrs.Mitts’slipsinaveryconfidentialmoment,thatMr.Battenswasonce‘hadupbeforethegentlemen’tostandorfallbyhisaccusations,andthatanoldshoewasthrownafterhimonhisdeparturefromthebuildingonthisdreaderrand;—notineffectually,for,theinterviewresultinginaplumber,wasconsideredtohaveencircledthetemplesofMr.Battenswiththewreathofvictory.

InTitbull’sAlms-Houses,thelocalsocietyisnotregardedasgoodsociety.Agentleman

orladyreceivingvisitorsfromwithout,orgoingouttotea,counts,asitwere,accordingly;butvisitingsortea-drinkingsinterchangedamongTitbulliansdonotscore.Suchinterchanges,however,arerare,inconsequenceofinternaldissensionsoccasionedbyMrs.Saggers’spail:whichhouseholdarticlehassplitTitbull’sintoalmostasmanypartiesastherearedwellingsinthatprecinct.Theextremelycomplicatednatureoftheconflictingarticlesofbeliefonthesubjectpreventsmystatingthemherewithmyusualperspicuity,butIthinktheyhaveallbranchedofffromtheroot-and-trunkquestion,HasMrs.Saggersanyrighttostandherpailoutsideherdwelling?Thequestionhasbeenmuchrefinedupon,butroughlystatedmaybestatedinthoseterms.

TherearetwooldmeninTitbull’sAlms-Houseswho,Ihavebeengiventounderstand,kneweachotherintheworldbeyonditspumpandironrailings,whentheywereboth‘intrade.’Theymakethebestoftheirreverses,andarelookeduponwithgreatcontempt.Theyarelittle,stooping,blear-eyedoldmenofcheerfulcountenance,andtheyhobbleupanddownthecourt-yardwaggingtheirchinsandtalkingtogetherquitegaily.Thishasgivenoffence,andhas,moreover,raisedthequestionwhethertheyarejustifiedinpassinganyotherwindowsthantheirown.Mr.Battens,however,permittingthemtopasshiswindows,onthedisdainfulgroundthattheirimbecilityalmostamountstoirresponsibility,theyareallowedtotaketheirwalkinpeace.Theylivenextdoortooneanother,andtakeitbyturnstoreadthenewspaperaloud(thatistosay,thenewestnewspapertheycanget),andtheyplaycribbageatnight.Onwarmandsunnydaystheyhavebeenknowntogosofarastobringouttwochairsandsitbytheironrailings,lookingforth;butthislowconduct,beingmuchremarkeduponthroughoutTitbull’s,theyweredeterredbyanoutragedpublicopinionfromrepeatingit.Thereisarumour—butitmaybemalicious—thattheyholdthememoryofTitbullinsomeweaksortofveneration,andthattheyoncesetofftogetheronapilgrimagetotheparishchurchyardtofindhistomb.Tothis,perhaps,mightbetracedageneralsuspicionthattheyarespiesof‘thegentlemen:’towhichtheyweresupposedtohavegivencolourinmyownpresenceontheoccasionoftheweakattemptatjustificationofthepumpbythegentlemen’sclerk;whentheyemergedbare-headedfromthedoorsoftheirdwellings,asiftheirdwellingsandthemselvesconstitutedanold-fashionedweather-glassofdoubleactionwithtwofiguresofoldladiesinside,anddeferentiallybowedtohimatintervalsuntilhetookhisdeparture.Theyareunderstoodtobeperfectlyfriendlessandrelationless.UnquestionablythetwopoorfellowsmaketheverybestoftheirlivesinTitbull’sAlms-Houses,andunquestionablytheyare(asbeforementioned)thesubjectsofunmitigatedcontemptthere.

OnSaturdaynights,whenthereisagreaterstirthanusualoutside,andwhenitinerantvendorsofmiscellaneouswareseventaketheirstationsandlightuptheirsmokylampsbeforetheironrailings,Titbull’sbecomesflurried.Mrs.Saggershashercelebratedpalpitationsoftheheart,forthemostpart,onSaturdaynights.ButTitbull’sisunfittostrivewiththeuproarofthestreetsinanyofitsphases.ItisreligiouslybelievedatTitbull’sthatpeoplepushmorethantheyused,andlikewisethattheforemostobjectofthepopulationofEnglandandWalesistogetyoudownandtrampleonyou.Evenofrailroadstheyknow,atTitbull’s,littlemorethantheshriek(whichMrs.Saggerssaysgoesthroughher,andoughttobetakenupbyGovernment);andthepennypostagemayevenyetbeunknownthere,forIhaveneverseenaletterdeliveredtoanyinhabitant.Butthereisatall,straight,sallowladyresidentinNumberSeven,Titbull’s,whoneverspeaksto

anybody,whoissurroundedbyasuperstitioushalooflostwealth,whodoesherhouseholdworkinhousemaid’sgloves,andwhoissecretlymuchdeferredto,thoughopenlycavilledat;andithasobscurelyleakedoutthatthisoldladyhasason,grandson,nephew,orotherrelative,whois‘aContractor,’andwhowouldthinkitnothingofajobtoknockdownTitbull’s,packitoffintoCornwall,andknockittogetheragain.Animmensesensationwasmadebyagipsy-partycallinginaspring-van,totakethisoldladyuptogoforaday’spleasureintoEppingForest,andnoteswerecomparedastowhichofthecompanywastheson,grandson,nephew,orotherrelative,theContractor.Athick-setpersonagewithawhitehatandacigarinhismouth,wasthefavourite:thoughasTitbull’shadnootherreasontobelievethattheContractorwasthereatall,thanthatthismanwassupposedtoeyethechimneystacksasifhewouldliketoknockthemdownandcartthemoff,thegeneralmindwasmuchunsettledinarrivingataconclusion.Asawayoutofthisdifficulty,itconcentrateditselfontheacknowledgedBeautyoftheparty,everystitchinwhosedresswasverballyunrippedbytheoldladiesthenandthere,andwhose‘goingson’withanotherandathinnerpersonageinawhitehatmighthavesuffusedthepump(wheretheywereprincipallydiscussed)withblushes,formonthsafterwards.HereinTitbull’swastoTitbull’strue,forithasaconstitutionaldislikeofallstrangers.Asconcerninginnovationsandimprovements,itisalwaysofopinionthatwhatitdoesn’twantitself,nobodyoughttowant.ButIthinkIhavemetwiththisopinionoutsideTitbull’s.

OfthehumbletreasuresoffurniturebroughtintoTitbull’sbytheinmateswhentheyestablishthemselvesinthatplaceofcontemplationfortherestoftheirdays,byfarthegreaterandmorevaluablepartbelongstotheladies.Imayclaimthehonourofhavingeithercrossedthethreshold,orlookedinatthedoor,ofeveryoneofthenineladies,andIhavenoticedthattheyareallparticularinthearticleofbedsteads,andmaintainfavouriteandlong-establishedbedsteadsandbeddingasaregularpartoftheirrest.Generallyanantiquatedchestofdrawersisamongtheircherishedpossessions;atea-trayalwaysis.Iknowofatleasttworoomsinwhichalittletea-kettleofgenuineburnishedcopper,vieswiththecatinwinkingatthefire;andoneoldladyhasatea-urnsetforthinstateonthetopofherchestofdrawers,whichurnisusedasherlibrary,andcontainsfourduodecimovolumes,andablack-borderednewspapergivinganaccountofthefuneralofHerRoyalHighnessthePrincessCharlotte.Amongthepooroldgentlementherearenosuchniceties.Theirfurniturehastheairofbeingcontributed,likesomeobsoleteLiteraryMiscellany,‘byseveralhands;’theirfewchairsnevermatch;oldpatchworkcoverletslingeramongthem;andtheyhaveanuntidyhabitofkeepingtheirwardrobesinhat-boxes.WhenIrecalloneoldgentlemanwhoisratherchoiceinhisshoe-brushesandblacking-bottle,Ihavesummedupthedomesticelegancesofthatsideofthebuilding.

OntheoccurrenceofadeathinTitbull’s,itisinvariablyagreedamongthesurvivors—anditistheonlysubjectonwhichtheydoagree—thatthedeparteddidsomething‘tobringiton.’JudgingbyTitbull’s,Ishouldsaythehumanraceneedneverdie,iftheytookcare.Buttheydon’ttakecare,andtheydodie,andwhentheydieinTitbull’stheyareburiedatthecostoftheFoundation.Someprovisionhasbeenmadeforthepurpose,invirtueofwhich(IrecordthisonthestrengthofhavingseenthefuneralofMrs.Quinch)alivelyneighbouringundertakerdressesupfouroftheoldmen,andfouroftheoldwomen,hustlesthemintoaprocessionoffourcouples,andleadsoffwithalargeblackbowatthebackofhishat,lookingoverhisshoulderatthemairilyfromtimetotimetoseethatno

memberofthepartyhasgotlost,orhastumbleddown;asiftheywereacompanyofdimolddolls.

ResignationofadwellingisofveryrareoccurrenceinTitbull’s.Astorydoesobtainthere,howanoldlady’ssononcedrewaprizeofThirtyThousandPoundsintheLottery,andpresentlydrovetothegateinhisowncarriage,withFrenchHornsplayingupbehind,andwhiskedhismotheraway,andlefttenguineasforaFeast.ButIhavebeenunabletosubstantiateitbyanyevidence,andregarditasanAlms-HouseFairyTale.Itiscuriousthattheonlyprovedcaseofresignationhappenedwithinmyknowledge.

Ithappenedonthiswise.Thereisasharpcompetitionamongtheladiesrespectingthegentilityoftheirvisitors,andIhavesooftenobservedvisitorstobedressedasforaholidayoccasion,thatIsupposetheladiestohavebesoughtthemtomakeallpossibledisplaywhentheycome.InthesecircumstancesmuchexcitementwasonedayoccasionedbyMrs.MittsreceivingavisitfromaGreenwichPensioner.HewasaPensionerofabluffandwarlikeappearance,withanemptycoat-sleeve,andhewasgotupwithunusualcare;hiscoat-buttonswereextremelybright,heworehisemptycoat-sleeveinagracefulfestoon,andhehadawalking-stickinhishandthatmusthavecostmoney.When,withtheheadofhiswalking-stick,heknockedatMrs.Mitts’sdoor—therearenoknockersinTitbull’s—Mrs.Mittswasoverheardbyanext-doorneighbourtoutteracryofsurpriseexpressingmuchagitation;andthesameneighbourdidafterwardssolemnlyaffirmthatwhenhewasadmittedintoMrs.Mitts’sroom,sheheardasmack.Heardasmackwhichwasnotablow.

TherewasanairaboutthisGreenwichPensionerwhenhetookhisdeparture,whichimbuedallTitbull’swiththeconvictionthathewascomingagain.Hewaseagerlylookedfor,andMrs.Mittswascloselywatched.Inthemeantime,ifanythingcouldhaveplacedtheunfortunatesixoldgentlemenatagreaterdisadvantagethanthatatwhichtheychronicallystood,itwouldhavebeentheapparitionofthisGreenwichPensioner.Theywerewellshrunkenalready,buttheyshrunktonothingincomparisonwiththePensioner.Eventhepooroldgentlementhemselvesseemedconsciousoftheirinferiority,andtoknowsubmissivelythattheycouldneverhopetoholdtheirownagainstthePensionerwithhiswarlikeandmaritimeexperienceinthepast,andhistobaccomoneyinthepresent:hischequeredcareerofbluewater,blackgunpowder,andredbloodshedforEngland,home,andbeauty.

Beforethreeweekswereout,thePensionerreappeared.AgainheknockedatMrs.Mitts’sdoorwiththehandleofhisstick,andagainwasheadmitted.Butnotagaindidhedepartalone;forMrs.Mitts,inabonnetidentifiedashavingbeenre-embellished,wentoutwalkingwithhim,andstayedouttilltheteno’clockbeer,Greenwichtime.

Therewasnowatruce,evenastothetroubledwatersofMrs.Saggers’spail;nothingwasspokenofamongtheladiesbuttheconductofMrs.MittsanditsblightinginfluenceonthereputationofTitbull’s.ItwasagreedthatMr.Battens‘oughttotakeitup,’andMr.Battenswascommunicatedwithonthesubject.Thatunsatisfactoryindividualreplied‘thathedidn’tseehiswayyet,’anditwasunanimouslyvotedbytheladiesthataggravationwasinhisnature.

Howitcametopass,withsomeappearanceofinconsistency,thatMrs.Mittswascutby

alltheladiesandthePensioneradmiredbyalltheladies,mattersnot.Beforeanotherweekwasout,Titbull’swasstartledbyanotherphenomenon.Atteno’clockintheforenoonappearedacab,containingnotonlytheGreenwichPensionerwithonearm,but,toboot,aChelseaPensionerwithoneleg.BothdismountingtoassistMrs.Mittsintothecab,theGreenwichPensionerborehercompanyinside,andtheChelseaPensionermountedtheboxbythedriver:hiswoodenlegstickingoutafterthemannerofabowsprit,asifinjocularhomagetohisfriend’ssea-goingcareer.Thustheequipagedroveaway.NoMrs.Mittsreturnedthatnight.

WhatMr.Battensmighthavedoneinthematteroftakingitup,goadedbytheinfuriatedstateofpublicfeelingnextmorning,wasanticipatedbyanotherphenomenon.ATruck,propelledbytheGreenwichPensionerandtheChelseaPensioner,eachplacidlysmokingapipe,andpushinghiswarriorbreastagainstthehandle.

ThedisplayonthepartoftheGreenwichPensionerofhis‘marriage-lines,’andhisannouncementthathimselfandfriendhadlookedinforthefurnitureofMrs.G.Pensioner,lateMitts,bynomeansreconciledtheladiestotheconductoftheirsister;onthecontrary,itissaidthattheyappearedmorethaneverexasperated.Nevertheless,mystrayvisitstoTitbull’ssincethedateofthisoccurrence,haveconfirmedmeinanimpressionthatitwasawholesomefillip.Thenineladiesaresmarter,bothinmindanddress,thantheyusedtobe,thoughitmustbeadmittedthattheydespisethesixgentlementothelastextent.Theyhaveamuchgreaterinterestintheexternalthoroughfaretoo,thantheyhadwhenIfirstknewTitbull’s.AndwheneverIchancetobeleaningmybackagainstthepumportheironrailings,andtobetalkingtooneofthejuniorladies,andtoseethataflushhaspassedoverherface,IimmediatelyknowwithoutlookingroundthataGreenwichPensionerhasgonepast.

XXXTHERUFFIAN

IENTERTAINsostronganobjectiontotheeuphonioussofteningofRuffianintoRough,whichhaslatelybecomepopular,thatIrestoretherightwordtotheheadingofthispaper;therather,asmyobjectistodwelluponthefactthattheRuffianistoleratedamongustoanextentthatgoesbeyondallunruffianlyendurance.ItakethelibertytobelievethatiftheRuffianbesetsmylife,aprofessionalRuffianatlargeintheopenstreetsofagreatcity,notoriouslyhavingnoothercallingthanthatofRuffian,andofdisquietinganddespoilingmeasIgopeacefullyaboutmylawfulbusiness,interferingwithnoone,thentheGovernmentunderwhichIhavethegreatconstitutionalprivilege,supremehonourandhappiness,andalltherestofit,toexist,breaksdowninthedischargeofanyGovernment’smostsimpleelementaryduty.

WhatdidIreadintheLondondailypapers,intheearlydaysofthislastSeptember?ThatthePolicehad‘ATLENGTHSUCCEEDEDINCAPTURINGTWOOFTHENOTORIOUSGANGTHATHAVESOLONGINVESTEDTHEWATERLOOROAD.’Isitpossible?WhatawonderfulPolice!Hereisastraight,broad,publicthoroughfareofimmenseresort;halfamilelong;gas-lightedbynight;withagreatgas-lightedrailwaystationinit,extrathestreetlamps;fullofshops;traversedbytwopopularcrossthoroughfaresofconsiderabletraffic;itselfthemainroadtotheSouthofLondon;andtheadmirablePolicehave,afterlonginfestmentofthisdarkandlonelyspotbyagangofRuffians,actuallygotholdoftwoofthem.Why,canitbedoubtedthatanymanoffairLondonknowledgeandcommonresolution,armedwiththepowersoftheLaw,couldhavecapturedthewholeconfederacyinaweek?

ItistothesavingupoftheRuffianclassbytheMagistracyandPolice—totheconventionalpreservingofthem,asiftheywerePartridges—thattheirnumberandaudacitymustbeingreatpartreferred.WhyisanotoriousThiefandRuffianeverleftatlarge?Heneverturnshislibertytoanyaccountbutviolenceandplunder,heneverdidaday’sworkoutofgaol,heneverwilldoaday’sworkoutofgaol.AsaprovednotoriousThiefheisalwaysconsignabletoprisonforthreemonths.Whenhecomesout,heissurelyasnotoriousaThiefashewaswhenhewentin.Thensendhimbackagain.‘JustHeaven!’criestheSocietyfortheprotectionofremonstrantRuffians.‘Thisisequivalenttoasentenceofperpetualimprisonment!’Preciselyforthatreasonithasmyadvocacy.IdemandtohavetheRuffiankeptoutofmyway,andoutofthewayofalldecentpeople.IdemandtohavetheRuffianemployed,perforce,inhewingwoodanddrawingwatersomewhereforthegeneralservice,insteadofhewingatherMajesty’ssubjectsanddrawingtheirwatchesoutoftheirpockets.Ifthisbetermedanunreasonabledemand,thenthetax-gatherer’sdemandonmemustbefarmoreunreasonable,andcannotbeotherwisethanextortionateandunjust.

ItwillbeseenthatItreatoftheThiefandRuffianasone.Idoso,becauseIknowthetwocharacterstobeone,inthevastmajorityofcases,justaswellasthePoliceknowit.(AstotheMagistracy,withafewexceptions,theyknownothingaboutitbutwhatthePolicechoosetotellthem.)Therearedisorderlyclassesofmenwhoarenotthieves;asrailway-

navigators,brickmakers,wood-sawyers,costermongers.Theseclassesareoftendisorderlyandtroublesome;butitismostlyamongthemselves,andatanyratetheyhavetheirindustriousavocations,theyworkearlyandlate,andworkhard.ThegenericRuffian—honourablememberforwhatistenderlycalledtheRoughElement—iseitheraThief,orthecompanionofThieves.WhenheinfamouslymolestswomencomingoutofchapelonSundayevenings(forwhichIwouldhavehisbackscarifiedoftenanddeep)itisnotonlyforthegratificationofhispleasantinstincts,butthattheremaybeaconfusionraisedbywhicheitherheorhisfriendsmayprofit,inthecommissionofhighwayrobberiesorinpickingpockets.Whenhegetsapolice-constabledownandkickshimhelplessforlife,itisbecausethatconstableoncedidhisdutyinbringinghimtojustice.Whenherushesintothebarofapublic-houseandscoopsaneyeoutofoneofthecompanythere,orbiteshisearoff,itisbecausethemanhemaimsgaveevidenceagainsthim.Whenheandalineofcomradesextendingacrossthefootway—sayofthatsolitarymountain-spuroftheAbruzzi,theWaterlooRoad—advancetowardsme‘skylarking’amongthemselves,mypurseorshirt-pinisinpredestinedperilfromhisplayfulness.AlwaysaRuffian,alwaysaThief.AlwaysaThief,alwaysaRuffian.

Now,whenI,whoamnotpaidtoknowthesethings,knowthemdailyontheevidenceofmysensesandexperience;whenIknowthattheRuffianneverjostlesaladyinthestreets,orknocksahatoff,butinorderthattheThiefmayprofit,isitsurprisingthatIshouldrequirefromthosewhoarepaidtoknowthesethings,preventionofthem?

Lookatthisgroupatastreetcorner.Numberoneisashirkingfellowoffive-and-twenty,inanill-favouredandill-savouredsuit,histrousersofcorduroy,hiscoatofsomeindiscerniblegroundworkforthedepositionofgrease,hisneckerchieflikeaneel,hiscomplexionlikedirtydough,hismangyfurcappulledlowuponhisbeetlebrowstohidetheprisoncutofhishair.Hishandsareinhispockets.Heputsthemtherewhentheyareidle,asnaturallyasinotherpeople’spocketswhentheyarebusy,forheknowsthattheyarenotroughenedbywork,andthattheytellatale.Hence,wheneverhetakesoneouttodrawasleeveacrosshisnose—whichisoften,forhehasweakeyesandaconstitutionalcoldinhishead—herestoresittoitspocketimmediatelyafterwards.Numbertwoisaburlybruteoffive-and-thirty,inatallstiffhat;isacompositeastohisclothesofbetting-manandfighting-man;iswhiskered;hasastaringpininhisbreast,alongwithhisrighthand;hasinsolentandcrueleyes:largeshoulders;stronglegsbootedandtippedforkicking.Numberthreeisfortyyearsofage;isshort,thick-set,strong,andbow-legged;wearskneecordsandwhitestockings,averylong-sleevedwaistcoat,averylargeneckerchiefdoubledortrebledroundhisthroat,andacrumpledwhitehatcrownshisghastlyparchmentface.Thisfellowlookslikeanexecutedpostboyofotherdays,cutdownfromthegallowstoosoon,andrestoredandpreservedbyexpressdiabolicalagency.Numbersfive,six,andseven,arehulking,idle,slouchingyoungmen,patchedandshabby,tooshortinthesleevesandtootightinthelegs,slimilyclothed,foul-spoken,repulsivewretchesinsideandout.Inallthepartythereobtainsacertaintwitchingcharacterofmouthandfurtivenessofeye,thathinthowthecowardislurkingunderthebully.Thehintisquitecorrect,fortheyareaslinkingsneakingset,farmorepronetoliedownontheirbacksandkickout,whenindifficulty,thantomakeastandforit.(ThismayaccountforthestreetmudonthebacksofNumbersfive,six,andseven,beingmuchfresherthanthestalesplashesontheirlegs.)

TheseengaginggentryaPolice-constablestandscontemplating.HisStation,withaReserveofassistance,isverynearathand.Theycannotpretendtoanytrade,noteventobeportersormessengers.Itwouldbeidleiftheydid,forheknowsthem,andtheyknowthatheknowsthem,tobenothingbutprofessedThievesandRuffians.Heknowswheretheyresort,knowsbywhatslangnamestheycalloneanother,knowshowoftentheyhavebeeninprison,andhowlong,andforwhat.AllthisisknownathisStation,too,andis(oroughttobe)knownatScotlandYard,too.Butdoesheknow,ordoeshisStationknow,ordoesScotlandYardknow,ordoesanybodyknow,whythesefellowsshouldbehereatliberty,when,asreputedThievestowhomawholeDivisionofPolicecouldswear,theymightallbeunderlockandkeyathardlabour?Nothe;trulyhewouldbeawisemanifhedid!Heonlyknowsthatthesearemembersofthe‘notoriousgang,’which,accordingtothenewspaperPolice-officereportsofthislastpastSeptember,‘havesolonginfested’theawfulsolitudesoftheWaterlooRoad,andoutofwhichalmostimpregnablefastnessesthePolicehaveatlengthdraggedTwo,totheunspeakableadmirationofallgoodcivilians.

TheconsequencesofthiscontemplativehabitonthepartoftheExecutive—ahabittobelookedforinahermit,butnotinaPoliceSystem—arefamiliartousall.TheRuffianbecomesoneoftheestablishedordersofthebodypolitic.UndertheplayfulnameofRough(asifheweremerelyapracticaljoker)hismovementsandsuccessesarerecordedonpublicoccasions.Whetherhemusteredinlargenumbers,orsmall;whetherhewasingoodspirits,ordepressed;whetherheturnedhisgenerousexertionstoveryprosperousaccount,orFortunewasagainsthim;whetherhewasinasanguinarymood,orrobbedwithamiablehorse-playandagraciousconsiderationforlifeandlimb;allthisischronicledasifhewereanInstitution.IsthereanycityinEurope,outofEngland,inwhichthesetermsareheldwiththepestsofSociety?Orinwhich,atthisday,suchviolentrobberiesfromthepersonareconstantlycommittedasinLondon?

ThePreparatorySchoolsofRuffianismaresimilarlybornewith.TheyoungRuffiansofLondon—notThievesyet,buttrainingforscholarshipsandfellowshipsintheCriminalCourtUniversities—molestquietpeopleandtheirproperty,toanextentthatishardlycredible.Thethrowingofstonesinthestreetshasbecomeadangerousanddestructiveoffence,whichsurelycouldhavegottonogreaterheightthoughwehadhadnoPolicebutourownriding-whipsandwalking-sticks—thePolicetowhichImyselfappealontheseoccasions.Thethrowingofstonesatthewindowsofrailwaycarriagesinmotion—anactofwantonwickednesswiththeveryArch-Fiend’shandinit—hadbecomeacryingevil,whentherailwaycompaniesforceditonPolicenotice.Constabularcontemplationhaduntilthenbeentheorderoftheday.

Withinthesetwelvemonths,therearoseamongtheyounggentlemenofLondonaspiringtoRuffianism,andcultivatingthatmuch-encouragedsocialart,afacetiouscryof‘I’llhavethis!’accompaniedwithaclutchatsomearticleofapassinglady’sdress.Ihaveknownalady’sveiltobethushumorouslytornfromherfaceandcarriedoffintheopenstreetsatnoon;andIhavehadthehonourofmyselfgivingchase,onWestminsterBridge,toanotheryoungRuffian,who,infulldaylightearlyonasummerevening,hadnearlythrownamodestyoungwomanintoaswoonofindignationandconfusion,byhisshamefulmannerofattackingherwiththiscryassheharmlesslypassedalongbeforeme.Mr.CARLYLE,sometimesince,awakenedalittlepleasantrybywritingofhisownexperienceoftheRuffianofthestreets.IhaveseentheRuffianactinexactaccordance

withMr.Carlyle’sdescription,innumerabletimes,andIneversawhimchecked.

Theblaringuseoftheveryworstlanguagepossible,inourpublicthoroughfares—especiallyinthosesetapartforrecreation—isanotherdisgracetous,andanotherresultofconstabularcontemplation,thelikeofwhichIhaveneverheardinanyothercountrytowhichmyuncommercialtravelshaveextended.Yearsago,whenIhadanearinterestincertainchildrenwhoweresentwiththeirnurses,forairandexercise,intotheRegent’sPark,Ifoundthiseviltobesoabhorrentandhorriblethere,thatIcalledpublicattentiontoit,andalsotoitscontemplativereceptionbythePolice.LookingafterwardsintothenewestPoliceAct,andfindingthattheoffencewaspunishableunderit,Iresolved,whenstrikingoccasionshouldarise,totrymyhandasprosecutor.Theoccasionarosesoonenough,andIranthefollowinggauntlet.

Theuttererofthebasecoininquestionwasagirlofseventeenoreighteen,who,withasuitableattendanceofblackguards,youths,andboys,wasflauntingalongthestreets,returningfromanIrishfuneral,inaProgressinterspersedwithsinginganddancing.Shehadturnedroundtomeandexpressedherselfinthemostaudiblemanner,tothegreatdelightofthatselectcircle.Iattendedtheparty,ontheoppositesideoftheway,foramilefurther,andthenencounteredaPolice-constable.Thepartyhadmadethemselvesmerryatmyexpenseuntilnow,butseeingmespeaktotheconstable,itsmalemembersinstantlytooktotheirheels,leavingthegirlalone.Iaskedtheconstabledidheknowmyname?Yes,hedid.‘Takethatgirlintocustody,onmycharge,forusingbadlanguageinthestreets.’Hehadneverheardofsuchacharge.Ihad.Wouldhetakemywordthatheshouldgetintonotrouble?Yes,sir,hewoulddothat.Sohetookthegirl,andIwenthomeformyPoliceAct.

Withthispotentinstrumentinmypocket,Iliterallyaswellasfiguratively‘returnedtothecharge,’andpresentedmyselfatthePoliceStationofthedistrict.There,IfoundondutyaveryintelligentInspector(theyareallintelligentmen),who,likewise,hadneverheardofsuchacharge.Ishowedhimmyclause,andwewentoverittogethertwiceorthrice.Itwasplain,andIengagedtowaituponthesuburbanMagistrateto-morrowmorningatteno’clock.

InthemorningIputmyPoliceActinmypocketagain,andwaitedonthesuburbanMagistrate.IwasnotquitesocourteouslyreceivedbyhimasIshouldhavebeenbyTheLordChancellororTheLordChiefJustice,butthatwasaquestionofgoodbreedingonthesuburbanMagistrate’spart,andIhadmyclausereadywithitsleafturneddown.Whichwasenoughforme.

ConferencetookplacebetweentheMagistrateandclerkrespectingthecharge.DuringconferenceIwasevidentlyregardedasamuchmoreobjectionablepersonthantheprisoner;—onegivingtroublebycomingtherevoluntarily,whichtheprisonercouldnotbeaccusedofdoing.Theprisonerhadbeengotup,sinceIlasthadthepleasureofseeingher,withagreateffectofwhiteapronandstrawbonnet.SheremindedmeofaneldersisterofRedRidingHood,andIseemedtoremindthesympathisingChimneySweepbywhomshewasattended,oftheWolf.

TheMagistratewasdoubtful,Mr.UncommercialTraveller,whetherthischargecouldbeentertained.Itwasnotknown.Mr.UncommercialTravellerrepliedthathewishedit

werebetterknown,andthat,ifhecouldaffordtheleisure,hewouldusehisendeavourstomakeitso.Therewasnoquestionaboutit,however,hecontended.Herewastheclause.

Theclausewashandedin,andmoreconferenceresulted.AfterwhichIwasaskedtheextraordinaryquestion:‘Mr.Uncommercial,doyoureallywishthisgirltobesenttoprison?’TowhichIgrimlyanswered,staring:‘IfIdidn’t,whyshouldItakethetroubletocomehere?’Finally,Iwassworn,andgavemyagreeableevidenceindetail,andWhiteRidingHoodwasfinedtenshillings,undertheclause,orsenttoprisonforsomanydays.‘Why,Lordblessyou,sir,’saidthePolice-officer,whoshowedmeout,withagreatenjoymentofthejestofherhavingbeengotupsoeffectively,andcausedsomuchhesitation:‘ifshegoestoprison,thatwillbenothingnewtoher.ShecomesfromCharlesStreet,DruryLane!’

ThePolice,allthingsconsidered,areanexcellentforce,andIhavebornemysmalltestimonytotheirmerits.Constabularcontemplationistheresultofabadsystem;asystemwhichisadministered,notinvented,bythemaninconstable’suniform,employedattwentyshillingsaweek.Hehashisorders,andwouldbemarkedfordiscouragementifheoversteppedthem.Thatthesystemisbad,thereneedsnolengthenedargumenttoprove,becausethefactisself-evident.Ifitwereanythingelse,theresultsthathaveattendeditcouldnotpossiblyhavecometopass.Whowillsaythatunderagoodsystem,ourstreetscouldhavegotintotheirpresentstate?

TheobjectiontothewholePolicesystem,asconcerningtheRuffian,maybestated,anditsfailureexemplified,asfollows.Itiswellknownthatonallgreatoccasions,whentheycometogetherinnumbers,themassoftheEnglishpeoplearetheirowntrustworthyPolice.Itiswellknownthatwheresoeverthereiscollectedtogetheranyfairgeneralrepresentationofthepeople,arespectforlawandorder,andadeterminationtodiscountenancelawlessnessanddisorder,maybereliedupon.Astooneanother,thepeopleareaverygoodPolice,andyetarequitewillingintheirgood-naturethatthestipendiaryPoliceshouldhavethecreditofthepeople’smoderation.ButweareallofuspowerlessagainsttheRuffian,becausewesubmittothelaw,anditishisonlytrade,bysuperiorforceandbyviolence,todefyit.Moreover,weareconstantlyadmonishedfromhighplaces(likesomanySunday-schoolchildrenoutforaholidayofbunsandmilk-and-water)thatwearenottotakethelawintoourownhands,butaretohandourdefenceovertoit.ItisclearthatthecommonenemytobepunishedandexterminatedfirstofallistheRuffian.Itisclearthatheis,ofallothers,theoffenderforwhoserepressalwemaintainacostlysystemofPolice.Him,therefore,weexpresslypresenttothePolicetodealwith,consciousthat,onthewhole,wecan,anddo,dealreasonablywellwithoneanother.HimthePolicedealwithsoinefficientlyandabsurdlythatheflourishes,andmultiplies,and,withallhisevildeedsuponhisheadasnotoriouslyashishatis,pervadesthestreetswithnomoreletorhindrancethanourselves.

XXXIABOARDSHIP

MYjourneysasUncommercialTravellerforthefirmofHuman-InterestBrothershavenotslackenedsinceIlastreportedofthem,buthavekeptmecontinuallyonthemove.Iremaininthesameidleemployment.Ineversolicitanorder,Inevergetanycommission,Iamtherollingstonethatgathersnomoss,—unlessanyshouldbychancebefoundamongthesesamples.

Somehalfayearago,Ifoundmyselfinmyidlest,dreamiest,andleastaccountableconditionaltogether,onboardship,intheharbourofthecityofNewYork,intheUnitedStatesofAmerica.Ofallthegoodshipsafloat,minewasthegoodsteamship‘RUSSIA,’CAPT.COOK,CunardLine,boundforLiverpool.WhatmorecouldIwishfor?

Ihadnothingtowishforbutaprosperouspassage.Mysalad-days,whenIwasgreenofvisageandsea-sick,beinggonewithbetterthings(andnoworse),nocomingeventcastitsshadowbefore.

ImightbutafewmomentspreviouslyhaveimitatedSterne,andsaid,‘“Andyet,methinks,Eugenius,”—layingmyforefingerwistfullyonhiscoat-sleeve,thus,—“andyet,methinks,Eugenius,’tisbutsorryworktopartwiththee,forwhatfreshfields,…mydearEugenius,…canbefresherthanthouart,andinwhatpasturesnewshallIfindEliza,orcallher,Eugenius,ifthouwilt,Annie?”’—IsayImighthavedonethis;butEugeniuswasgone,andIhadn’tdoneit.

Iwasrestingonaskylightonthehurricane-deck,watchingtheworkingoftheshipveryslowlyabout,thatshemightheadforEngland.ItwashighnoononamostbrilliantdayinApril,andthebeautifulbaywasgloriousandglowing.Fullmanyatime,onshorethere,hadIseenthesnowcomedown,down,down(itselflikedown),untilitlaydeepinallthewaysofmen,andparticularly,asitseemed,inmyway,forIhadnotgonedry-shodmanyhoursformonths.WithintwoorthreedayslastpasthadIwatchedthefeatheryfallsettinginwiththeardourofanewidea,insteadofdraggingattheskirtsofaworn-outwinter,andpermittingglimpsesofafreshyoungspring.Butabrightsunandaclearskyhadmeltedthesnowinthegreatcrucibleofnature;andithadbeenpouredoutagainthatmorningoverseaandland,transformedintomyriadsofgoldandsilversparkles.

Theshipwasfragrantwithflowers.SomethingoftheoldMexicanpassionforflowersmayhavegraduallypassedintoNorthAmerica,whereflowersareluxuriouslygrown,andtastefullycombinedintherichestprofusion;but,bethatasitmay,suchgorgeousfarewellsinflowershadcomeonboard,thatthesmallofficer’scabinondeck,whichItenanted,bloomedoverintotheadjacentscuppers,andbanksofotherflowersthatitcouldn’tholdmadeagardenoftheunoccupiedtablesinthepassengers’saloon.Thesedeliciousscentsoftheshore,minglingwiththefreshairsofthesea,madetheatmosphereadreamy,an

enchantingone.Andso,withthewatchaloftsettingallthesails,andwiththescrewbelowrevolvingatamightyrate,andoccasionallygivingtheshipanangryshakeforresisting,Ifellintomyidlestways,andlostmyself.

As,forinstance,whetheritwasIlyingthere,orsomeotherentityevenmoremysterious,wasamatterIwasfartoolazytolookinto.WhatdiditsignifytomeifitwereI?ortothemoremysteriousentity,ifitwerehe?Equallyastotheremembrancesthatdrowsilyfloatedbyme,orbyhim,whyaskwhenorwherethethingshappened?Wasitnotenoughthattheybefellatsometime,somewhere?

Therewasthatassistingatthechurchserviceonboardanothersteamship,oneSunday,inastiffbreeze.Perhapsonthepassageout.Nomatter.Pleasanttoheartheship’sbellsgoaslikechurch-bellsastheycould;pleasanttoseethewatchoffdutymusteredandcomein:besthats,bestGuernseys,washedhandsandfaces,smoothedheads.Butthenaroseasetofcircumstancessorampantlycomical,thatnocheckwhichthegravestintentionscouldputuponthemwouldholdtheminhand.Thusthescene.Someseventypassengersassembledatthesaloontables.Prayer-booksontables.Shiprollingheavily.Pause.Nominister.Rumourhasrelatedthatamodestyoungclergymanonboardhasrespondedtothecaptain’srequestthathewillofficiate.Pauseagain,andveryheavyrolling.

Closeddoubledoorssuddenlyburstopen,andtwostrongstewardsskatein,supportingministerbetweenthem.Generalappearanceasofsomebodypickedupdrunkandincapable,andunderconveyancetostation-house.Stoppage,pause,andparticularlyheavyrolling.Stewardswatchtheiropportunity,andbalancethemselves,butcannotbalanceminister;who,strugglingwithadroopingheadandabackwardtendency,seemsdeterminedtoreturnbelow,whiletheyareasdeterminedthatheshallbegottothereading-deskinmid-saloon.Deskportable,slidingawaydownalongtable,andaimingitselfatthebreastsofvariousmembersofthecongregation.Herethedoubledoors,whichhavebeencarefullyclosedbyotherstewards,flyopenagain,andworldlypassengertumblesin,seeminglywithpale-aledesigns:who,seekingfriend,says‘Joe!’Perceivingincongruity,says,‘Hullo!Begyerpardon!’andtumblesoutagain.Allthistimethecongregationhavebeenbreakingupintosects,—asthemannerofcongregationsoftenis,eachsectslidingawaybyitself,andallpoundingtheweakestsectwhichslidfirstintothecorner.Utmostpointofdissentsoonattainedineverycorner,andviolentrolling.Stewardsatlengthmakeadash;conductministertothemastinthecentreofthesaloon,whichheembraceswithbotharms;skateout;andleavehiminthatconditiontoarrangeaffairswithflock.

TherewasanotherSunday,whenanofficeroftheshipreadtheservice.Itwasquietandimpressive,untilwefelluponthedangerousandperfectlyunnecessaryexperimentofstrikingupahymn.Afteritwasgivenout,weallrose,buteverybodyleftittosomebodyelsetobegin.Silenceresulting,theofficer(nosingerhimself)ratherreproachfullygaveusthefirstlineagain,uponwhicharosypippinofanoldgentleman,remarkablethroughoutthepassageforhischeerfulpoliteness,gavealittlestampwithhisboot(asifhewereleadingoffacountrydance),andblithelywarbledusintoashowofjoining.Attheendofthefirstversewebecame,throughthesetactics,somuchrefreshedandencouraged,thatnoneofus,howsoeverunmelodious,wouldsubmittobeleftoutofthesecondverse;whileastothethirdweliftedupourvoicesinasacredhowlthatleftit

doubtfulwhetherwewerethemoreboastfulofthesentimentsweunitedinprofessing,orofprofessingthemwithamostdiscordantdefianceoftimeandtune.

‘Lordblessus!’thoughtI,whenthefreshremembranceofthesethingsmademelaughheartilyaloneinthedeadwater-gurglingwasteofthenight,whattimeIwaswedgedintomyberthbyawoodenbar,orImusthaverolledoutofit,‘whaterrandwasIthenupon,andtowhatAbyssinianpointhadpubliceventsthenmarched?Nomatterastome.Andastothem,ifthewonderfulpopularrageforaplaything(utterlyconfoundinginitsinscrutableunreason)Ihadnotthenlightedonapooryoungsavageboy,andapooroldscrewofahorse,andhauledthefirstoffbythehairofhisprincelyheadto“inspect”theBritishvolunteers,andhauledthesecondoffbythehairofhisequinetailtotheCrystalPalace,whysomuchthebetterforallofusoutsideBedlam!’

So,stickingtotheship,IwasatthetroubleofaskingmyselfwouldIliketoshowthegrogdistributionin‘thefiddle’atnoontotheGrandUnitedAmalgamatedTotalAbstinenceSociety?Yes,IthinkIshould.Ithinkitwoulddothemgoodtosmelltherum,underthecircumstances.Overthegrog,mixedinabucket,presidestheboatswain’smate,smalltincaninhand.Enterthecrew,theguiltyconsumers,thegrown-upbroodofGiantDespair,incontradistinctiontothebandofyouthfulangelHope.Someinboots,someinleggings,someintarpaulinoveralls,someinfrocks,someinpea-coats,averyfewinjackets,mostwithsou’westerhats,allwithsomethingroughandruggedroundthethroat;all,drippingsaltwaterwheretheystand;allpeltedbyweather,besmearedwithgrease,andblackenedbythesootyrigging.

Eachman’sknifeinitssheathinhisgirdle,loosenedfordinner.Asthefirstman,withaknowinglykindledeye,watchesthefillingofthepoisonedchalice(trulybutaverysmalltinmug,tobeprosaic),and,tossingbackhishead,tossesthecontentsintohimself,andpassestheemptychaliceandpasseson,sothesecondmanwithananticipatorywipeofhismouthonsleeveorhandkerchief,bideshisturn,anddrinksandhandsandpasseson,inwhom,andineachashisturnapproaches,beamsaknowinglykindledeye,abrightertemper,andasuddenlyawakenedtendencytobejocosewithsomeshipmate.NordoIevenobservethatthemaninchargeoftheship’slamps,whoinrightofhisofficehasadoubleallowanceofpoisonedchalices,seemstherebyvastlydegraded,eventhoughheemptiesthechalicesintohimself,oneaftertheother,muchasifheweredeliveringtheircontentsatsomeabsorbentestablishmentinwhichhehadnopersonalinterest.Butvastlycomforted,Inotethemalltobe,ondeckpresently,eventothecirculationofredderbloodintheircoldblueknuckles;andwhenIlookupatthemlyingoutontheyards,andholdingonforlifeamongthebeatingsails,Icannotformylifeseethejusticeofvisitingonthem—oronme—thedrunkencrimesofanynumberofcriminalsarraignedattheheaviestofassizes.

Abettingmyselfinmyidlehumour,Iclosedmyeyes,andrecalledlifeonboardofoneofthosemail-packets,asIlay,partofthatday,intheBayofNewYork,O!Theregularlifebegan—minealwaysdid,forInevergottosleepafterwards—withtheriggingofthepumpwhileitwasyetdark,andwashingdownofdecks.Anyenormousgiantataprodigioushydropathicestablishment,conscientiouslyundergoingthewater-cureinallitsdepartments,andextremelyparticularaboutcleaninghisteeth,wouldmakethosenoises.Swash,splash,scrub,rub,toothbrush,bubble,swash,splash,bubble,toothbrush,splash,

splash,bubble,rub.Thenthedaywouldbreak,and,descendingfrommyberthbyagracefulladdercomposedofhalf-openeddrawersbeneathit,Iwouldreopenmyouterdead-lightandmyinnerslidingwindow(closedbyawatchmanduringthewater-cure),andwouldlookoutatthelong-rolling,lead-coloured,whitetoppedwavesoverwhichthedawn,onacoldwintermorning,castalevel,lonelyglance,andthroughwhichtheshipfoughthermelancholywayataterrificrate.Andnow,lyingdownagain,awaitingtheseasonforbroiledhamandtea,Iwouldbecompelledtolistentothevoiceofconscience,—thescrew.

Itmightbe,insomecases,nomorethanthevoiceofstomach;butIcalleditinmyfancybythehighername.Becauseitseemedtomethatwewereallofus,alldaylong,endeavouringtostiflethevoice.Becauseitwasundereverybody’spillow,everybody’splate,everybody’scamp-stool,everybody’sbook,everybody’soccupation.Becausewepretendednottohearit,especiallyatmeal-times,eveningwhist,andmorningconversationondeck;butitwasalwaysamongusinanundermonotone,nottobedrownedinpea-soup,nottobeshuffledwithcards,nottobedivertedbybooks,nottobeknittedintoanypattern,nottobewalkedawayfrom.Itwassmokedintheweediestcigar,anddrunkinthestrongestcocktail;itwasconveyedondeckatnoonwithlimpladies,wholaythereintheirwrappersuntilthestarsshone;itwaitedattablewiththestewards;nobodycouldputitoutwiththelights.Itwasconsidered(asonshore)ill-bredtoacknowledgethevoiceofconscience.Itwasnotpolitetomentionit.Onesquallydayanamiablegentlemaninlovegavemuchoffencetoasurroundingcircle,includingtheobjectofhisattachment,bysayingofit,afterithadgoadedhimovertwoeasy-chairsandaskylight,‘Screw!’

Sometimesitwouldappearsubdued.Infleetingmoments,whenbubblesofchampagnepervadedthenose,orwhentherewas‘hotpot’inthebilloffare,orwhenanolddishwehadhadregularlyeverydaywasdescribedinthatofficialdocumentbyanewname,—undersuchexcitements,onewouldalmostbelieveithushed.Theceremonyofwashingplatesondeck,performedaftereverymealbyacircleasofringersofcrockerytriple-bobmajorsforaprize,wouldkeepitdown.Haulingthereel,takingthesunatnoon,postingthetwenty-fourhours’run,alteringtheship’stimebythemeridian,castingthewastefoodoverboard,andattractingtheeagergullsthatfollowedinourwake,—theseeventswouldsuppressitforawhile.Buttheinstantanybreakorpausetookplaceinanysuchdiversion,thevoicewouldbeatitagain,importuningustothelastextent.Anewlymarriedyoungpair,whowalkedthedeckaffectionatelysometwentymilesperday,would,inthefullflushoftheirexercise,suddenlybecomestrickenbyit,andstandtrembling,butotherwiseimmovable,underitsreproaches.

Whenthisterriblemonitorwasmostseverewithuswaswhenthetimeapproachedforourretiringtoourdensforthenight;whenthelightedcandlesinthesaloongrewfewerandfewer;whenthedesertedglasseswithspoonsinthemgrewmoreandmorenumerous;whenwaifsoftoastedcheeseandstraysofsardinesfriedinbatterslidlanguidlytoandfrointhetable-racks;whenthemanwhoalwaysreadhadshutuphisbook,andblownouthiscandle;whenthemanwhoalwaystalkedhadceasedfromtroubling;whenthemanwhowasalwaysmedicallyreportedasgoingtohavedeliriumtremenshadputitofftillto-morrow;whenthemanwhoeverynightdevotedhimselftoamidnightsmokeondecktwohoursinlength,andwhoeverynightwasinbedwithintenminutesafterwards,was

buttoninghimselfupinhisthirdcoatforhishardyvigil:forthen,aswefelloffonebyone,and,enteringourseveralhutches,cameintoapeculiaratmosphereofbilge-waterandWindsorsoap,thevoicewouldshakeustothecentre.Woetouswhenwesatdownonoursofa,watchingtheswingingcandleforevertryingandretryingtostanduponhishead!orourcoatuponitspeg,imitatingusasweappearedinourgymnasticdaysbysustainingitselfhorizontallyfromthewall,inemulationofthelighterandmorefaciletowels!Thenwouldthevoiceespeciallyclaimusforitsprey,andrendusalltopieces.

Lightsout,weinourberths,andthewindrising,thevoicegrowsangrieranddeeper.Underthemattressandunderthepillow,underthesofaandunderthewashing-stand,undertheshipandunderthesea,seemingtorisefromthefoundationsundertheearthwitheveryscoopofthegreatAtlantic(andoh!whyscoopso?),alwaysthevoice.Vaintodenyitsexistenceinthenightseason;impossibletobehardofhearing;screw,screw,screw!Sometimesitliftsoutofthewater,andrevolveswithawhirr,likeaferociousfirework,—exceptthatitneverexpendsitself,butisalwaysreadytogooffagain;sometimesitseemstobeinanguish,andshivers;sometimesitseemstobeterrifiedbyitslastplunge,andhasafitwhichcausesittostruggle,quiver,andforaninstantstop.Andnowtheshipsetsinrolling,asonlyshipssofiercelyscrewedthroughtimeandspace,dayandnight,fairweatherandfoul,canroll.

Didsheevertakearollbeforelikethatlast?Didsheevertakearollbeforelikethisworseonethatiscomingnow?Hereisthepartitionatmyeardowninthedeepontheleeside.Areweevercomingupagaintogether?Ithinknot;thepartitionandIaresolongaboutitthatIreallydobelievewehaveoverdoneitthistime.Heavens,whatascoop!Whatadeepscoop,whatahollowscoop,whatalongscoop!Williteverend,andcanwebeartheheavymassofwaterwehavetakenonboard,andwhichhasletlooseallthetablefurnitureintheofficers’mess,andhasbeatenopenthedoorofthelittlepassagebetweenthepurserandme,andisswashingabout,eventhereandevenhere?Thepursersnoresreassuringly,andtheship’sbellsstriking,Ihearthecheerful‘All’swell!’ofthewatchmusicallygivenbackthelengthofthedeck,asthelatelydivingpartition,nowhighinair,tries(unsoftenedbywhatwehavegonethroughtogether)toforcemeoutofbedandberth.

‘All’swell!’Comfortingtoknow,thoughsurelyallmightbebetter.Putasidetherollingandtherushofwater,andthinkofdartingthroughsuchdarknesswithsuchvelocity.Thinkofanyothersimilarobjectcomingintheoppositedirection!

Whethertheremaybeanattractionintwosuchmovingbodiesoutatsea,whichmayhelpaccidenttobringthemintocollision?Thoughts,too,arise(thevoiceneversilentallthewhile,butmarvellouslysuggestive)ofthegulfbelow;ofthestrange,unfruitfulmountainrangesanddeepvalleysoverwhichwearepassing;ofmonstrousfishmidway;oftheship’ssuddenlyalteringhercourseonherownaccount,andwithawildplungesettlingdown,andmakingthatvoyagewithacrewofdeaddiscoverers.Now,too,onerecallsanalmostuniversaltendencyonthepartofpassengerstostumble,atsometimeorotherintheday,onthetopicofacertainlargesteamermakingthissamerun,whichwaslostatsea,andneverheardofmore.Everybodyhasseemedunderaspell,compellingapproachtothethresholdofthegrimsubject,stoppage,discomfiture,andpretenceofneverhavingbeennearit.Theboatswain’swhistlesounds!Achangeinthewind,hoarseorders

issuing,andthewatchverybusy.Sailscomecrashinghomeoverhead,ropes(thatseemallknot)ditto;everymanengagedappearstohavetwentyfeet,withtwentytimestheaverageamountofstampingpowerineach.Graduallythenoiseslackens,thehoarsecriesdieaway,theboatswain’swhistlesoftensintothesoothingandcontentednotes,whichratherreluctantlyadmitthatthejobisdoneforthetime,andthevoicesetsinagain.

Thuscomeunintelligibledreamsofuphillanddown,andswingingandswaying,untilconsciousnessrevivesofatmosphericalWindsorsoapandbilge-water,andthevoiceannouncesthatthegianthascomeforthewater-cureagain.

SuchweremyfancifulreminiscencesasIlay,partofthatday,intheBayofNewYork,O!AlsoaswepassedclearoftheNarrows,andgotouttosea;alsoinmanyanidlehouratseainsunnyweather!AtlengththeobservationsandcomputationsshowedthatweshouldmakethecoastofIrelandto-night.SoIstoodwatchondeckallnightto-night,toseehowwemadethecoastofIreland.

Verydark,andtheseamostbrilliantlyphosphorescent.Greatwayontheship,anddoublelook-outkept.Vigilantcaptainonthebridge,vigilantfirstofficerlookingovertheportside,vigilantsecondofficerstandingbythequarter-masteratthecompass,vigilantthirdofficerpostedatthesternrailwithalantern.Nopassengersonthequietdecks,butexpectationeverywherenevertheless.Thetwomenatthewheelverysteady,veryserious,andveryprompttoanswerorders.Anorderissuedsharplynowandthen,andechoedback;otherwisethenightdragsslowly,silently,withnochange.

Allofasudden,attheblankhouroftwointhemorning,avaguemovementofrelieffromalongstrainexpressesitselfinallhands;thethirdofficer’slanterntinkles,andhefiresarocket,andanotherrocket.Asullensolitarylightispointedouttomeintheblackskyyonder.Achangeisexpectedinthelight,butnonetakesplace.‘Givethemtwomorerockets,Mr.Vigilant.’Twomore,andablue-lightburnt.Alleyeswatchthelightagain.Atlastalittletoysky-rocketisflashedupfromit;and,evenasthatsmallstreakinthedarknessdiesaway,wearetelegraphedtoQueenstown,Liverpool,andLondon,andbackagainundertheoceantoAmerica.

Thenupcomethehalf-dozenpassengerswhoaregoingashoreatQueenstownandupcomesthemail-agentinchargeofthebags,andupcomethemenwhoaretocarrythebagsintothemail-tenderthatwillcomeoffforthemoutoftheharbour.Lampsandlanternsgleamhereandthereaboutthedecks,andimpedingbulksareknockedawaywithhandspikes;andtheport-sidebulwark,barrenbutamomentago,burstsintoacropofheadsofseamen,stewards,andengineers.

Thelightbeginstobegainedupon,beginstobealongside,beginstobeleftastern.Morerockets,and,betweenusandtheland,steamsbeautifullytheInmansteamshipCityofParis,forNewYork,outwardbound.Weobservewithcomplacencythatthewindisdeadagainsther(itbeingwithus),andthatsherollsandpitches.(Thesickestpassengeronboardisthemostdelightedbythiscircumstance.)Timerushesbyaswerushon;andnowweseethelightinQueenstownHarbour,andnowthelightsofthemail-tendercomingouttous.Whatvagariesthemail-tenderperformsontheway,ineverypointofthecompass,especiallyinthosewhereshehasnobusiness,andwhysheperformsthem,Heavenonlyknows!Atlengthsheisseenplungingwithinacable’slengthofourportbroadside,andis

beingroaredatthroughourspeaking-trumpetstodothisthing,andnottodothat,andtostandbytheother,asifshewereaverydementedtenderindeed.Then,weslackeningamidstadeafeningroarofsteam,thismuch-abusedtenderismadefasttousbyhawsers,andthemeninreadinesscarrythebagsaboard,andreturnformore,bendingundertheirburdens,andlookingjustlikethepasteboardfiguresofthemillerandhismeninthetheatreofourboyhood,andcomportingthemselvesalmostasunsteadily.Allthewhiletheunfortunatetenderplungeshighandlow,andisroaredat.ThentheQueenstownpassengersareputonboardofher,withinfiniteplungingandroaring,andthetendergetsheavedupontheseatothatsurprisingextentthatshelookswithinanaceofwashingaboardofus,highanddry.Roaredatwithcontumelytothelast,thiswretchedtenderisatlengthletgo,withafinalplungeofgreatignominy,andfallsspinningintoourwake.

Thevoiceofconscienceresumeditsdominionasthedayclimbedupthesky,andkeptbyallofuspassengersintoport;keptbyusaswepassedotherlighthouses,anddangerousislandsoffthecoast,wheresomeoftheofficers,withwhomIstoodmywatch,hadgoneashoreinsailing-shipsinfogs(andofwhichbythattokentheyseemedtohavequiteanaffectionateremembrance),andpasttheWelshcoast,andpasttheCheshirecoast,andpasteverythingandeverywherelyingbetweenourshipandherownspecialdockintheMersey.Offwhich,atlast,atnineoftheclock,onafaireveningearlyinMay,westopped,andthevoiceceased.Averycurioussensation,notunlikehavingmyownearsstopped,ensueduponthatsilence;anditwaswithanolesscurioussensationthatIwentoverthesideofthegoodCunardship‘Russia’(whomprosperityattendthroughallhervoyages!)andsurveyedtheouterhullofthegraciousmonsterthatthevoicehadinhabited.So,perhaps,shallweall,inthespirit,onedaysurveytheframethatheldthebusiervoicefromwhichmyvagrantfancyderivedthissimilitude.

XXXIIASMALLSTARINTHEEAST

IHADbeenlooking,yesternight,throughthefamous‘DanceofDeath,’andto-daythegrimoldwoodcutsaroseinmymindwiththenewsignificanceofaghastlymonotonynottobefoundintheoriginal.Theweirdskeletonrattledalongthestreetsbeforeme,andstruckfiercely;butitwasneveratthepainsofassumingadisguise.Itplayedonnodulcimerhere,wascrownedwithnoflowers,wavednoplume,mincedinnoflowingrobeortrain,liftednowine-cup,satatnofeast,castnodice,countednogold.Itwassimplyabare,gaunt,famishedskeleton,slayinghiswayalong.

ThebordersofRatcliffandStepney,eastwardofLondon,andgivingontheimpureriver,werethesceneofthisuncompromisingdanceofdeath,uponadrizzlingNovemberday.Asqualidmazeofstreets,courts,andalleysofmiserablehousesletoutinsinglerooms.Awildernessofdirt,rags,andhunger.Amud-desert,chieflyinhabitedbyatribefromwhomemploymenthasdeparted,ortowhomitcomesbutfitfullyandrarely.Theyarenotskilledmechanicsinanywise.Theyarebutlabourers,—dock-labourers,water-sidelabourers,coal-porters,ballast-heavers,such-likehewersofwoodanddrawersofwater.Buttheyhavecomeintoexistence,andtheypropagatetheirwretchedrace.

Onegrislyjokealone,methought,theskeletonseemedtoplayoffhere.Ithadstuckelection-billsonthewalls,whichthewindandrainhaddeterioratedintosuitablerags.Ithadevensummedupthestateofthepoll,inchalk,ontheshuttersofoneruinedhouse.ItadjuredthefreeandindependentstarverstovoteforThismanandvoteforThatman;nottoplump,astheyvaluedthestateofpartiesandthenationalprosperity(bothofgreatimportancetothem,Ithink);but,byreturningThismanandThatman,eachnaughtwithouttheother,tocompoundagloriousandimmortalwhole.Surelytheskeletonisnowheremorecruellyironicalintheoriginalmonkishidea!

Ponderinginmymindthefar-seeingschemesofThismanandThatman,andofthepublicblessingcalledParty,forstayingthedegeneracy,physicalandmoral,ofmanythousands(whoshallsayhowmany?)oftheEnglishrace;fordevisingemploymentusefultothecommunityforthosewhowantbuttoworkandlive;forequalisingrates,cultivatingwastelands,facilitatingemigration,and,aboveallthings,savingandutilisingtheoncominggenerations,andtherebychangingever-growingnationalweaknessintostrength:ponderinginmymind,Isay,thesehopefulexertions,Iturneddownanarrowstreettolookintoahouseortwo.

Itwasadarkstreetwithadeadwallononeside.Nearlyalltheouterdoorsofthehousesstoodopen.Itookthefirstentry,andknockedataparlour-door.MightIcomein?Imight,ifIplased,sur.

Thewomanoftheroom(Irish)hadpickedupsomelongstripsofwood,aboutsomewharforbarge;andtheyhadjustnowbeenthrustintotheotherwiseemptygratetomaketwoironpotsboil.Therewassomefishinone,andthereweresomepotatoesintheother.Theflareoftheburningwoodenabledmetoseeatable,andabrokenchairorso,and

someoldcheapcrockeryornamentsaboutthechimney-piece.ItwasnotuntilIhadspokenwiththewomanafewminutes,thatIsawahorriblebrownheaponthefloorinacorner,which,butforpreviousexperienceinthisdismalwise,Imightnothavesuspectedtobe‘thebed.’Therewassomethingthrownuponit;andIaskedwhatthatwas.

‘’Tisthepoorcraythurthatstayshere,sur;and’tisverybadsheis,and’tisverybadshe’sbeenthislongtime,and’tisbettershe’llneverbe,and’tisslapeshedoesallday,and’tiswakeshedoesallnight,and’tisthelead,sur.’

‘Thewhat?’

‘Thelead,sur.Sure’tisthelead-mills,wherethewomengetstookonateighteen-penceaday,sur,whentheymakesapplicationearlyenough,andisluckyandwanted;and’tislead-pisonedsheis,sur,andsomeofthemgetslead-pisonedsoon,andsomeofthemgetslead-pisonedlater,andsome,butnotmany,niver;and’tisallaccordingtotheconstitooshun,sur,andsomeconstitooshunsisstrong,andsomeisweak;andherconstitooshunislead-pisoned,badascanbe,sur;andherbrainiscomingoutatherear,andithurtsherdreadful;andthat’swhatitis,andnivernomore,andnivernoless,sur.’

Thesickyoungwomanmoaninghere,thespeakerbentoverher,tookabandagefromherhead,andthrewopenabackdoortoletinthedaylightuponit,fromthesmallestandmostmiserablebackyardIeversaw.

‘That’swhatcoomsfromher,sur,beinglead-pisoned;anditcoomsfromhernightandday,thepoor,sickcraythur;andthepainofitisdreadful;andGodheknowsthatmyhusbandhaswalkedthesthreetsthesefourdays,beingalabourer,andiswalkingthemnow,andisreadytowork,andnoworkforhim,andnofireandnofoodbutthebitinthepot,andnomorethantenshillingsinafortnight;Godbegoodtous!anditispoorweare,anddarkitisandcoulditisindeed.’

KnowingthatIcouldcompensatemyselfthereafterformyself-denial,ifIsawfit,IhadresolvedthatIwouldgivenothinginthecourseofthesevisits.Ididthistotrythepeople.ImaystateatoncethatmyclosestobservationcouldnotdetectanyindicationwhateverofanexpectationthatIwouldgivemoney:theyweregratefultobetalkedtoabouttheirmiserableaffairs,andsympathywasplainlyacomforttothem;buttheyneitheraskedformoneyinanycase,norshowedtheleasttraceofsurpriseordisappointmentorresentmentatmygivingnone.

Thewoman’smarrieddaughterhadbythistimecomedownfromherroomonthefloorabove,tojoinintheconversation.Sheherselfhadbeentothelead-millsveryearlythatmorningtobe‘tookon,’buthadnotsucceeded.Shehadfourchildren;andherhusband,alsoawater-sidelabourer,andthenoutseekingwork,seemedinnobettercaseastofindingitthanherfather.ShewasEnglish,andbynature,ofabuxomfigureandcheerful.Bothinherpoordressandinhermother’stherewasanefforttokeepupsomeappearanceofneatness.Sheknewallaboutthesufferingsoftheunfortunateinvalid,andallaboutthelead-poisoning,andhowthesymptomscameon,andhowtheygrew,—havingoftenseenthem.Theverysmellwhenyoustoodinsidethedooroftheworkswasenoughtoknockyoudown,shesaid:yetshewasgoingbackagaintoget‘tookon.’Whatcouldshedo?Betterbeulceratedandparalysedforeighteen-penceaday,whileitlasted,thanseethechildrenstarve.

Adarkandsqualidcupboardinthisroom,touchingthebackdoorandallmannerofoffence,hadbeenforsometimethesleeping-placeofthesickyoungwoman.Butthenightsbeingnowwintry,andtheblanketsandcoverlets‘gonetotheleavingshop,’shelayallnightwhereshelayallday,andwaslyingthen.Thewomanoftheroom,herhusband,thismostmiserablepatient,andtwoothers,layontheonebrownheaptogetherforwarmth.

‘Godblessyou,sir,andthankyou!’werethepartingwordsfromthesepeople,—gratefullyspokentoo,—withwhichIleftthisplace.

Somestreetsaway,Itappedatanotherparlour-dooronanotherground-floor.Lookingin,Ifoundaman,hiswife,andfourchildren,sittingatawashing-stoolbywayoftable,attheirdinnerofbreadandinfusedtea-leaves.Therewasaveryscantycinderousfireinthegratebywhichtheysat;andtherewasatentbedsteadintheroomwithabeduponitandacoverlet.ThemandidnotrisewhenIwentin,norduringmystay,butcivillyinclinedhisheadonmypullingoffmyhat,and,inanswertomyinquirywhetherImightaskhimaquestionortwo,said,‘Certainly.’Therebeingawindowateachendofthisroom,backandfront,itmighthavebeenventilated;butitwasshutuptight,tokeepthecoldout,andwasverysickening.

Thewife,anintelligent,quickwoman,roseandstoodatherhusband’selbow;andheglancedupatherasifforhelp.Itsoonappearedthathewasratherdeaf.Hewasaslow,simplefellowofaboutthirty.

‘Whatwashebytrade?’

‘Gentlemanaskswhatareyoubytrade,John?’

‘Iamaboilermaker;’lookingabouthimwithanexceedinglyperplexedair,asifforaboilerthathadunaccountablyvanished.

‘Heain’tamechanic,youunderstand,sir,’thewifeputin:‘he’sonlyalabourer.’

‘Areyouinwork?’

Helookedupathiswifeagain.‘Gentlemansaysareyouinwork,John?’

‘Inwork!’criedthisforlornboilermaker,staringaghastathiswife,andthenworkinghisvision’swayveryslowlyroundtome:‘Lord,no!’

‘Ah,heain’tindeed!’saidthepoorwoman,shakingherhead,asshelookedatthefourchildreninsuccession,andthenathim.

‘Work!’saidtheboilermaker,stillseekingthatevaporatedboiler,firstinmycountenance,thenintheair,andtheninthefeaturesofhissecondsonathisknee:‘IwishIwasinwork!Ihaven’thadmorethanaday’sworktodothisthreeweeks.’

‘Howhaveyoulived?’

Afaintgleamofadmirationlightedupthefaceofthewould-beboilermaker,ashestretchedouttheshortsleeveofhisthread-barecanvasjacket,andreplied,pointingherout,‘Ontheworkofthewife.’

Iforgetwhereboilermakinghadgoneto,orwherehesupposedithadgoneto;butheaddedsomeresignedinformationonthathead,coupledwithanexpressionofhisbelief

thatitwasnevercomingback.

Thecheeryhelpfulnessofthewifewasveryremarkable.Shedidslop-work;madepea-jackets.Sheproducedthepea-jackettheninhand,andspreaditoutuponthebed,—theonlypieceoffurnitureintheroomonwhichtospreadit.Sheshowedhowmuchofitshemade,andhowmuchwasafterwardsfinishedoffbythemachine.Accordingtohercalculationatthemoment,deductingwhathertrimmingcosther,shegotformakingapea-jackettenpencehalf-penny,andshecouldmakeoneinsomethinglessthantwodays.

But,yousee,itcometoherthroughtwohands,andofcourseitdidn’tcomethroughthesecondhandfornothing.Whydiditcomethroughthesecondhandatall?Why,thisway.Thesecondhandtooktheriskofthegiven-outwork,yousee.Ifshehadmoneyenoughtopaythesecuritydeposit,—callittwopound,—shecouldgettheworkfromthefirsthand,andsothesecondwouldnothavetobedeductedfor.But,havingnomoneyatall,thesecondhandcomeinandtookitsprofit,andsothewholeworkeddowntotenpencehalf-penny.Havingexplainedallthiswithgreatintelligence,evenwithsomelittlepride,andwithoutawhineormurmur,shefoldedherworkagain,satdownbyherhusband’ssideatthewashing-stool,andresumedherdinnerofdrybread.Meanasthemealwas,onthebareboard,withitsoldgallipotsforcups,andwhatnotothersordidmakeshifts;shabbyasthewomanwasindress,andtoningdonetowardstheBosjesmancolour,withwantofnutrimentandwashing,—therewaspositivelyadignityinher,asthefamilyanchorjustholdingthepoorship-wreckedboilermaker’sbark.WhenIlefttheroom,theboiler-maker’seyeswereslowlyturnedtowardsher,asifhislasthopeofeveragainseeingthatvanishedboilerlayinherdirection.

Thesepeoplehadneverappliedforparishreliefbutonce;andthatwaswhenthehusbandmetwithadisablingaccidentathiswork.

Notmanydoorsfromhere,Iwentintoaroomonthefirstfloor.Thewomanapologisedforitsbeingin‘anuntidymess.’ThedaywasSaturday,andshewasboilingthechildren’sclothesinasaucepanonthehearth.Therewasnothingelseintowhichshecouldhaveputthem.Therewasnocrockery,ortinware,ortub,orbucket.Therewasanoldgallipotortwo,andtherewasabrokenbottleorso,andthereweresomebrokenboxesforseats.Thelastsmallscrapingofcoalsleftwasrakedtogetherinacornerofthefloor.Thereweresomeragsinanopencupboard,alsoonthefloor.InacorneroftheroomwasacrazyoldFrenchbed-stead,withamanlyingonhisbackuponitinaraggedpilotjacket,androughoil-skinfantailhat.Theroomwasperfectlyblack.Itwasdifficulttobelieve,atfirst,thatitwasnotpurposelycolouredblack,thewallsweresobegrimed.

AsIstoodoppositethewomanboilingthechildren’sclothes,—shehadnotevenapieceofsoaptowashthemwith,—andapologisingforheroccupation,Icouldtakeinallthesethingswithoutappearingtonoticethem,andcouldevencorrectmyinventory.Ihadmissed,atthefirstglance,somehalfapoundofbreadintheotherwiseemptysafe,anoldredraggedcrinolinehangingonthehandleofthedoorbywhichIhadentered,andcertainfragmentsofrustyironscatteredonthefloor,whichlookedlikebrokentoolsandapieceofstove-pipe.Achildstoodlookingon.Ontheboxnearesttothefiresattwoyoungerchildren;oneadelicateandprettylittlecreature,whomtheothersometimeskissed.

Thiswoman,likethelast,waswofullyshabby,andwasdegeneratingtotheBosjesman

complexion.Butherfigure,andtheghostofacertainvivacityabouther,andthespectreofadimpleinhercheek,carriedmymemorystrangelybacktotheolddaysoftheAdelphiTheatre,London,whenMrs.FitzwilliamwasthefriendofVictorine.

‘MayIaskyouwhatyourhusbandis?’

‘He’sacoal-porter,sir,’—withaglanceandasightowardsthebed.

‘Isheoutofwork?’

‘Oh,yes,sir!andwork’satalltimesvery,veryscantywithhim;andnowhe’slaidup.’

‘It’smylegs,’saidthemanuponthebed.‘I’llunroll’em.’Andimmediatelybegan.

‘Haveyouanyolderchildren?’

‘Ihaveadaughterthatdoestheneedle-work,andIhaveasonthatdoeswhathecan.She’satherworknow,andhe’stryingforwork.’

‘Dotheylivehere?’

‘Theysleephere.Theycan’taffordtopaymorerent,andsotheycomehereatnight.Therentisveryharduponus.It’sroseuponustoo,now,—sixpenceaweek,—onaccountofthesenewchangesinthelaw,abouttherates.Weareaweekbehind;thelandlord’sbeenshakingandrattlingatthatdoorfrightfully;hesayshe’llturnusout.Idon’tknowwhat’stocomeofit.’

Themanuponthebedruefullyinterposed,‘Here’smylegs.Theskin’sbroke,besidestheswelling.Ihavehadamanykicks,working,onewayandanother.’

Helookedathislegs(whichweremuchdiscolouredandmisshapen)forawhile,andthenappearingtorememberthattheywerenotpopularwithhisfamily,rolledthemupagain,asiftheyweresomethinginthenatureofmapsorplansthatwerenotwantedtobereferredto,layhopelesslydownonhisbackoncemorewithhisfantailhatoverhisface,andstirrednot.

‘Doyoureldestsonanddaughtersleepinthatcupboard?’

‘Yes,’repliedthewoman.

‘Withthechildren?’

‘Yes.Wehavetogettogetherforwarmth.Wehavelittletocoverus.’

‘HaveyounothingbyyoutoeatbutthepieceofbreadIseethere?’

‘Nothing.Andwehadtherestoftheloafforourbreakfast,withwater.Idon’tknowwhat’stocomeofit.’

‘Haveyounoprospectofimprovement?’

‘Ifmyeldestsonearnsanythingto-day,he’llbringithome.Thenweshallhavesomethingtoeatto-night,andmaybeabletodosomethingtowardstherent.Ifnot,Idon’tknowwhat’stocomeofit.’

‘Thisisasadstateofthings.’

‘Yes,sir;it’sahard,hardlife.Takecareofthestairsasyougo,sir,—they’rebroken,—

andgoodday,sir!’

Thesepeoplehadamortaldreadofenteringtheworkhouse,andreceivednoout-of-doorrelief.

Inanotherroom,instillanothertenement,Ifoundaverydecentwomanwithfivechildren,—thelastababy,andsheherselfapatientoftheparishdoctor,—towhom,herhusbandbeinginthehospital,theUnionallowedforthesupportofherselfandfamily,fourshillingsaweekandfiveloaves.IsupposewhenThisman,M.P.,andThatman,M.P.,andthePublic-blessingParty,laytheirheadstogetherincourseoftime,andcometoanequalizationofrating,shemaygodowntothedanceofdeathtothetuneofsixpencemore.

Icouldenternootherhousesforthatonewhile,forIcouldnotbearthecontemplationofthechildren.SuchheartasIhadsummonedtosustainmeagainstthemiseriesoftheadultsfailedmewhenIlookedatthechildren.Isawhowyoungtheywere,howhungry,howseriousandstill.Ithoughtofthem,sickanddyinginthoselairs.Ithinkofthemdeadwithoutanguish;buttothinkofthemsosufferingandsodyingquiteunmannedme.

Downbytheriver’sbankinRatcliff,Iwasturningupwardbyaside-street,therefore,toregaintherailway,whenmyeyesrestedontheinscriptionacrosstheroad,‘EastLondonChildren’sHospital.’Icouldscarcelyhaveseenaninscriptionbettersuitedtomyframeofmind;andIwentacrossandwentstraightin.

Ifoundthechildren’shospitalestablishedinanoldsail-loftorstorehouse,oftheroughestnature,andonthesimplestmeans.Thereweretrap-doorsinthefloors,wheregoodshadbeenhoistedupanddown;heavyfeetandheavyweightshadstartedeveryknotinthewell-troddenplanking:inconvenientbulksandbeamsandawkwardstaircasesperplexedmypassagethroughthewards.ButIfounditairy,sweet,andclean.InitssevenandthirtybedsIsawbutlittlebeauty;forstarvationinthesecondorthirdgenerationtakesapinchedlook:butIsawthesufferingsbothofinfancyandchildhoodtenderlyassuaged;Iheardthelittlepatientsansweringtopetplayfulnames,thelighttouchofadelicateladylaidbarethewastedsticksofarmsformetopity;andtheclaw-likelittlehands,asshedidso,twinedthemselveslovinglyaroundherwedding-ring.

OnebabymitetherewasasprettyasanyofRaphael’sangels.Thetinyheadwasbandagedforwateronthebrain;anditwassufferingwithacutebronchitistoo,andmadefromtimetotimeaplaintive,thoughnotimpatientorcomplaining,littlesound.Thesmoothcurveofthecheeksandofthechinwasfaultlessinitscondensationofinfantinebeauty,andthelargebrighteyesweremostlovely.IthappenedasIstoppedatthefootofthebed,thattheseeyesresteduponminewiththatwistfulexpressionofwonderingthoughtfulnesswhichweallknowsometimesinverylittlechildren.Theyremainedfixedonmine,andneverturnedfrommewhileIstoodthere.Whentheutteranceofthatplaintivesoundshookthelittleform,thegazestillremainedunchanged.IfeltasthoughthechildimploredmetotellthestoryofthelittlehospitalinwhichitwasshelteredtoanygentleheartIcouldaddress.Layingmyworld-wornhanduponthelittleunmarkedclaspedhandatthechin,IgaveitasilentpromisethatIwoulddoso.

Agentlemanandlady,ayounghusbandandwife,haveboughtandfittedupthisbuildingforitspresentnobleuse,andhavequietlysettledthemselvesinitasitsmedicalofficers

anddirectors.Bothhavehadconsiderablepracticalexperienceofmedicineandsurgery;heashouse-surgeonofagreatLondonhospital;sheasaveryearneststudent,testedbysevereexamination,andalsoasanurseofthesickpoorduringtheprevalenceofcholera.

Witheveryqualificationtolurethemaway,withyouthandaccomplishmentsandtastesandhabitsthatcanhavenoresponseinanybreastnearthem,closebegirtbyeveryrepulsivecircumstanceinseparablefromsuchaneighbourhood,theretheydwell.Theyliveinthehospitalitself,andtheirroomsareonitsfirstfloor.Sittingattheirdinner-table,theycouldhearthecryofoneofthechildreninpain.Thelady’spiano,drawing-materials,books,andothersuchevidencesofrefinementareasmuchapartoftheroughplaceastheironbedsteadsofthelittlepatients.Theyareputtoshiftsforroom,likepassengersonboardship.Thedispenserofmedicines(attractedtothemnotbyself-interest,butbytheirownmagnetismandthatoftheircause)sleepsinarecessinthedining-room,andhashiswashingapparatusinthesideboard.

Theircontentedmannerofmakingthebestofthethingsaroundthem,Ifoundsopleasantlyinseparablefromtheirusefulness!Theirprideinthispartitionthatweputupourselves,orinthatpartitionthatwetookdown,orinthatotherpartitionthatwemoved,orinthestovethatwasgivenusforthewaiting-room,orinournightlyconversionofthelittleconsulting-roomintoasmoking-room!Theiradmirationofthesituation,ifwecouldonlygetridofitsoneobjectionableincident,thecoal-yardattheback!‘Ourhospitalcarriage,presentedbyafriend,andveryuseful.’Thatwasmypresentationtoaperambulator,forwhichacoach-househadbeendiscoveredinacornerdown-stairs,justlargeenoughtoholdit.Colouredprints,inallstagesofpreparationforbeingaddedtothosealreadydecoratingthewards,wereplentiful;acharmingwoodenphenomenonofabird,withanimpossibletop-knot,whoduckedhisheadwhenyousetacounterweightgoing,hadbeeninauguratedasapublicstatuethatverymorning;andtrottingaboutamongthebeds,onfamiliartermswithallthepatients,wasacomicalmongreldog,calledPoodles.Thiscomicaldog(quiteatonicinhimself)wasfoundcharacteristicallystarvingatthedooroftheinstitution,andwastakeninandfed,andhaslivedhereeversince.Anadmirerofhismentalendowmentshaspresentedhimwithacollarbearingthelegend,‘JudgenotPoodlesbyexternalappearances.’Hewasmerrilywagginghistailonaboy’spillowwhenhemadethismodestappealtome.

Whenthishospitalwasfirstopened,inJanuaryofthepresentyear,thepeoplecouldnotpossiblyconceivebutthatsomebodypaidfortheservicesrenderedthere;andweredisposedtoclaimthemasaright,andtofindfaultifoutoftemper.Theysooncametounderstandthecasebetter,andhavemuchincreasedingratitude.Themothersofthepatientsavailthemselvesveryfreelyofthevisitingrules;thefathersoftenonSundays.Thereisanunreasonable(butstill,Ithink,touchingandintelligible)tendencyintheparentstotakeachildawaytoitswretchedhome,ifonthepointofdeath.Oneboywhohadbeenthuscarriedoffonarainynight,wheninaviolentstateofinflammation,andwhohadbeenafterwardsbroughtback,hadbeenrecoveredwithexceedingdifficulty;buthewasajollyboy,withaspeciallystronginterestinhisdinner,whenIsawhim.

Insufficientfoodandunwholesomelivingarethemaincausesofdiseaseamongthesesmallpatients.Sonourishment,cleanliness,andventilationarethemainremedies.Dischargedpatientsarelookedafter,andinvitedtocomeanddinenowandthen;soare

certainfamishingcreatureswhowereneverpatients.Boththeladyandthegentlemanarewellacquainted,notonlywiththehistoriesofthepatientsandtheirfamilies,butwiththecharactersandcircumstancesofgreatnumbersoftheirneighbours—ofthesetheykeeparegister.Itistheircommonexperience,thatpeople,sinkingdownbyinchesintodeeperanddeeperpoverty,willconcealit,evenfromthem,ifpossible,untotheverylastextremity.

Thenursesofthishospitalareallyoung,—ranging,say,fromnineteentofourandtwenty.Theyhaveevenwithinthesenarrowlimits,whatmanywell-endowedhospitalswouldnotgivethem,acomfortableroomoftheirowninwhichtotaketheirmeals.Itisabeautifultruth,thatinterestinthechildrenandsympathywiththeirsorrowsbindtheseyoungwomentotheirplacesfarmorestronglythananyotherconsiderationcould.Thebestskilledofthenursescameoriginallyfromakindredneighbourhood,almostaspoor;andsheknewhowmuchtheworkwasneeded.Sheisafairdressmaker.Thehospitalcannotpayherasmanypoundsintheyearastherearemonthsinit;andonedaytheladyregardeditasadutytospeaktoheraboutherimprovingherprospectsandfollowinghertrade.‘No,’shesaid:shecouldneverbesousefulorsohappyelsewhereanymore;shemuststayamongthechildren.

Andshestays.Oneofthenurses,asIpassedher,waswashingababy-boy.Likingherpleasantface,Istoppedtospeaktohercharge,—acommon,bullet-headed,frowningchargeenough,layingholdofhisownnosewithaslipperygrasp,andstaringverysolemnlyoutofablanket.Themeltingofthepleasantfaceintodelightedsmiles,asthisyounggentlemangaveanunexpectedkick,andlaughedatme,wasalmostworthmypreviouspain.

AnaffectingplaywasactedinParisyearsago,called‘TheChildren’sDoctor.’AsIpartedfrommychildren’sdoctor,nowinquestion,Isawinhiseasyblacknecktie,inhisloosebuttonedblackfrock-coat,inhispensiveface,intheflowofhisdarkhair,inhiseyelashes,intheveryturnofhismoustache,theexactrealisationoftheParisartist’sidealasitwaspresentedonthestage.ButnoromancerthatIknowofhashadtheboldnesstoprefigurethelifeandhomeofthisyounghusbandandyoungwifeintheChildren’sHospitalintheeastofLondon.

IcameawayfromRatcliffbytheStepneyrailwaystationtotheterminusatFenchurchStreet.Anyonewhowillreversethatroutemayretracemysteps.

XXXIIIALITTLEDINNERINANHOUR

ITfelloutonadayinthislastautumn,thatIhadtogodownfromLondontoaplaceofseasideresort,onanhour’sbusiness,accompaniedbymyesteemedfriendBullfinch.Lettheplaceofseasideresortbe,forthenonce,calledNamelesston.

IhadbeenloiteringaboutParisinveryhotweather,pleasantlybreakfastingintheopenairinthegardenofthePalaisRoyalortheTuileries,pleasantlydiningintheopenairintheElysianFields,pleasantlytakingmycigarandlemonadeintheopenairontheItalianBoulevardtowardsthesmallhoursaftermidnight.Bullfinch—anexcellentmanofbusiness—hassummonedmebackacrosstheChannel,totransactthissaidhour’sbusinessatNamelesston;andthusitfelloutthatBullfinchandIwereinarailwaycarriagetogetheronourwaytoNamelesston,eachwithhisreturn-ticketinhiswaistcoat-pocket.

SaysBullfinch,‘Ihaveaproposaltomake.LetusdineattheTemeraire.’

IaskedBullfinch,didherecommendtheTemeraire?inasmuchasIhadnotbeenratedonthebooksoftheTemeraireformanyyears.

BullfinchdeclinedtoaccepttheresponsibilityofrecommendingtheTemeraire,butonthewholewasrathersanguineaboutit.He‘seemedtoremember,’Bullfinchsaid,thathehaddinedwellthere.Aplaindinner,butgood.CertainlynotlikeaParisiandinner(hereBullfinchobviouslybecamethepreyofwantofconfidence),butofitskindveryfair.

IappealtoBullfinch’sintimateknowledgeofmywantsandwaystodecidewhetherIwasusuallyreadytobepleasedwithanydinner,or—forthematterofthat—withanythingthatwasfairofitskindandreallywhatitclaimedtobe.Bullfinchdoingmethehonourtorespondintheaffirmative,IagreedtoshipmyselfasanabletrenchermanonboardtheTemeraire.

‘Now,ourplanshallbethis,’saysBullfinch,withhisforefingerathisnose.‘AssoonaswegettoNamelesston,we’lldrivestraighttotheTemeraire,andorderalittledinnerinanhour.Andasweshallnothavemorethanenoughtimeinwhichtodisposeofitcomfortably,whatdoyousaytogivingthehousethebestopportunitiesofservingithotandquicklybydininginthecoffee-room?’

WhatIhadtosaywas,Certainly.Bullfinch(whoisbynatureofahopefulconstitution)thenbegantobabbleofgreengeese.ButIcheckedhiminthatFalstaffianvein,urgingconsiderationsoftimeandcookery.

InduesequenceofeventswedroveuptotheTemeraire,andalighted.Ayouthinliveryreceivedusonthedoor-step.‘Lookswell,’saidBullfinchconfidentially.Andthenaloud,‘Coffee-room!’

Theyouthinlivery(nowperceivedtobemouldy)conductedustothedesiredhaven,andwasenjoinedbyBullfinchtosendthewaiteratonce,aswewishedtoorderalittledinnerinanhour.ThenBullfinchandIwaitedforthewaiter,until,thewaitercontinuingtowait

insomeunknownandinvisiblesphereofaction,werangforthewaiter;whichringproducedthewaiter,whoannouncedhimselfasnotthewaiterwhooughttowaituponus,andwhodidn’twaitamomentlonger.

SoBullfinchapproachedthecoffee-roomdoor,andmelodiouslypitchinghisvoiceintoabarwheretwoyoungladieswerekeepingthebooksoftheTemeraire,apologeticallyexplainedthatwewishedtoorderalittledinnerinanhour,andthatweweredebarredfromtheexecutionofourinoffensivepurposebyconsignmenttosolitude.

Hereupononeoftheyoungladiesranabell,whichreproduced—atthebarthistime—thewaiterwhowasnotthewaiterwhooughttowaituponus;thatextraordinaryman,whoselifeseemedconsumedinwaitinguponpeopletosaythathewouldn’twaituponthem,repeatedhisformerprotestwithgreatindignation,andretired.

Bullfinch,withafallencountenance,wasabouttosaytome,‘Thiswon’tdo,’whenthewaiterwhooughttowaituponusleftoffkeepinguswaitingatlast.‘Waiter,’saidBullfinchpiteously,‘wehavebeenalongtimewaiting.’Thewaiterwhooughttowaituponuslaidtheblameuponthewaiterwhooughtnottowaituponus,andsaiditwasallthatwaiter’sfault.

‘Wewish,’saidBullfinch,muchdepressed,‘toorderalittledinnerinanhour.Whatcanwehave?’

‘Whatwouldyouliketohave,gentlemen?’

Bullfinch,withextrememournfulnessofspeechandaction,andwithaforlornoldfly-blownbilloffareinhishandwhichthewaiterhadgivenhim,andwhichwasasortofgeneralmanuscriptindextoanycookery-bookyouplease,movedthepreviousquestion.

Wecouldhavemock-turtlesoup,asole,curry,androastduck.Agreed.Atthistablebythiswindow.Punctuallyinanhour.

Ihadbeenfeigningtolookoutofthiswindow;butIhadbeentakingnoteofthecrumbsonallthetables,thedirtytable-cloths,thestuffy,soupy,airlessatmosphere,thestaleleavingseverywhereabout,thedeepgloomofthewaiterwhooughttowaituponus,andthestomach-achewithwhichalonelytravelleratadistanttableinacornerwastooevidentlyafflicted.InowpointedouttoBullfinchthealarmingcircumstancethatthistravellerhaddined.Wehurriedlydebatedwhether,withoutinfringementofgoodbreeding,wecouldaskhimtodiscloseifhehadpartakenofmock-turtle,sole,curry,orroastduck?Wedecidedthatthethingcouldnotbepolitelydone,andwehadsetourownstomachsonacast,andtheymuststandthehazardofthedie.

Iholdphrenology,withincertainlimits,tobetrue;Iammuchofthesamemindastothesubtlerexpressionsofthehand;Iholdphysiognomytobeinfallible;thoughallthesesciencesdemandrarequalitiesinthestudent.ButIalsoholdthatthereisnomorecertainindextopersonalcharacterthantheconditionofasetofcastersistothecharacterofanyhotel.Knowing,andhavingoftentestedthistheoryofmine,Bullfinchresignedhimselftotheworst,when,layingasideanyremainingveilofdisguise,Iheldupbeforehiminsuccessionthecloudyoilandfurryvinegar,thecloggedcayenne,thedirtysalt,theobscenedregsofsoy,andtheanchovysauceinaflannelwaistcoatofdecomposition.

Wewentouttotransactourbusiness.Soinspiritingwasthereliefofpassingintothe

cleanandwindystreetsofNamelesstonfromtheheavyandvapidclosenessofthecoffee-roomoftheTemeraire,thathopebegantorevivewithinus.Webegantoconsiderthatperhapsthelonelytravellerhadtakenphysic,ordonesomethinginjudicioustobringhiscomplainton.Bullfinchremarkedthathethoughtthewaiterwhooughttowaituponushadbrightenedalittlewhensuggestingcurry;andalthoughIknewhimtohavebeenatthatmomenttheexpressimageofdespair,Iallowedmyselftobecomeelevatedinspirits.Aswewalkedbythesoftly-lappingsea,allthenotabilitiesofNamelesston,whoareforevergoingupanddownwiththechangelessnessofthetides,passedtoandfroinprocession.Prettygirlsonhorseback,andwithdetestedriding-masters;prettygirlsonfoot;matureladiesinhats,—spectacled,strong-minded,andglaringattheoppositeorweakersex.TheStockExchangewasstronglyrepresented,Jerusalemwasstronglyrepresented,theboresoftheprosierLondonclubswerestronglyrepresented.Fortune-huntersofalldenominationswerethere,fromhirsuteinsolvency,inacurricle,toclosely-buttonedswindleryindoubtfulboots,onthesharplook-outforanylikelyyounggentlemandisposedtoplayagameatbilliardsroundthecorner.Mastersoflanguages,theirlessonsfinishedfortheday,weregoingtotheirhomesoutofsightofthesea;mistressesofaccomplishments,carryingsmallportfolios,likewisetrippedhomeward;pairsofscholasticpupils,twoandtwo,wentlanguidlyalongthebeach,surveyingthefaceofthewatersasifwaitingforsomeArktocomeandtakethemoff.SpectresoftheGeorgetheFourthdaysflittedunsteadilyamongthecrowd,bearingtheoutwardsemblanceofancientdandies,ofeveryoneofwhomitmightbesaid,notthathehadoneleginthegrave,orbothlegs,butthathewassteepedingravetothesummitofhishighshirt-collar,andhadnothingrealabouthimbuthisbones.Alonestationaryinthemidstofallthemovements,theNamelesstonboatmenleanedagainsttherailingsandyawned,andlookedouttosea,orlookedatthemooredfishing-boatsandatnothing.Suchistheunchangingmanneroflifewiththisnurseryofourhardyseamen;andverydrynursestheyare,andalwayswantingsomethingtodrink.Theonlytwonauticalpersonagesdetachedfromtherailingwerethetwofortunatepossessorsofthecelebratedmonstrousunknownbarking-fish,justcaught(frequentlyjustcaughtoffNamelesston),whocarriedhimaboutinahamper,andpressedthescientifictolookinatthelid.

ThesandsofthehourhadallrunoutwhenwegotbacktotheTemeraire.SaysBullfinch,then,totheyouthinlivery,withboldness,‘Lavatory!’

Whenwearrivedatthefamilyvaultwithaskylight,whichtheyouthinliverypresentedastheinstitutionsought,wehadalreadywhiskedoffourcravatsandcoats;butfindingourselvesinthepresenceofanevilsmell,andnolinenbuttwocrumpledtowelsnewlydampfromthecountenancesoftwosomebodyelses,weputonourcravatsandcoatsagain,andfledunwashedtothecoffee-room.

Therethewaiterwhooughttowaituponushadsetforthourknivesandforksandglasses,ontheclothwhosedirtyacquaintancewehadalreadyhadthepleasureofmaking,andwhichwewerepleasedtorecognisebythefamiliarexpressionofitsstains.Andnowthereoccurredthetrulysurprisingphenomenon,thatthewaiterwhooughtnottowaituponusswoopeddownuponus,clutchedourloafofbread,andvanishedwiththesame.

Bullfinch,withdistractedeyes,wasfollowingthisunaccountablefigure‘outattheportal,’liketheghostinHamlet,whenthewaiterwhooughttowaituponusjostledagainstit,

carryingatureen.

‘Waiter!’saidaseverediner,latelyfinished,perusinghisbillfiercelythroughhiseye-glass.

Thewaiterputdownourtureenonaremoteside-table,andwenttoseewhatwasamissinthisnewdirection.

‘Thisisnotright,youknow,waiter.Lookhere!here’syesterday’ssherry,oneandeightpence,andhereweareagain,twoshillings.Andwhatdoessixpencemean?’

Sofarfromknowingwhatsixpencemeant,thewaiterprotestedthathedidn’tknowwhatanythingmeant.Hewipedtheperspirationfromhisclammybrow,andsaiditwasimpossibletodoit,—notparticularisingwhat,—andthekitchenwassofaroff.

‘Takethebilltothebar,andgetitaltered,’saidMr.IndignationCocker,sotocallhim.

Thewaitertookit,lookedintenselyatit,didn’tseemtoliketheideaoftakingittothebar,andsubmitted,asanewlightuponthecase,thatperhapssixpencemeantsixpence.

‘Itellyouagain,’saidMr.IndignationCocker,‘here’syesterday’ssherry—can’tyouseeit?—oneandeightpence,andhereweareagain,twoshillings.Whatdoyoumakeofoneandeightpenceandtwoshillings?’

Totallyunabletomakeanythingofoneandeightpenceandtwoshillings,thewaiterwentouttotryifanybodyelsecould;merelycastingahelplessbackwardglanceatBullfinch,inacknowledgementofhispatheticentreatiesforoursoup-tureen.Afterapause,duringwhichMr.IndignationCockerreadanewspaperandcougheddefiantcoughs,Bullfincharosetogetthetureen,whenthewaiterreappearedandbroughtit,—droppingMr.IndignationCocker’salteredbillonMr.IndignationCocker’stableashecamealong.

‘It’squiteimpossibletodoit,gentlemen,’murmuredthewaiter;‘andthekitchenissofaroff.’

‘Well,youdon’tkeepthehouse;it’snotyourfault,wesuppose.Bringsomesherry.’

‘Waiter!’fromMr.IndignationCocker,withanewandburningsenseofinjuryuponhim.

Thewaiter,arrestedonhiswaytooursherry,stoppedshort,andcamebacktoseewhatwaswrongnow.

‘Willyoulookhere?Thisisworsethanbefore.Doyouunderstand?Here’syesterday’ssherry,oneandeightpence,andhereweareagaintwoshillings.Andwhatthedevildoesninepencemean?’

Thisnewportentutterlyconfoundedthewaiter.Hewrunghisnapkin,andmutelyappealedtotheceiling.

‘Waiter,fetchthatsherry,’saysBullfinch,inopenwrathandrevolt.

‘Iwanttoknow,’persistedMr.IndignationCocker,‘themeaningofninepence.Iwanttoknowthemeaningofsherryoneandeightpenceyesterday,andofhereweareagaintwoshillings.Sendsomebody.’

Thedistractedwaitergotoutoftheroomonpretextofsendingsomebody,andbythatmeansgotourwine.Buttheinstantheappearedwithourdecanter,Mr.Indignation

Cockerdescendedonhimagain.

‘Waiter!’

‘Youwillnowhavethegoodnesstoattendtoourdinner,waiter,’saidBullfinch,sternly.

‘Iamverysorry,butit’squiteimpossibletodoit,gentlemen,’pleadedthewaiter;‘andthekitchen—’

‘Waiter!’saidMr.IndignationCocker.

‘—Is,’resumedthewaiter,‘sofaroff,that—’

‘Waiter!’persistedMr.IndignationCocker,‘sendsomebody.’

Wewerenotwithoutourfearsthatthewaiterrushedouttohanghimself;andweweremuchrelievedbyhisfetchingsomebody,—ingraceful,flowingskirtsandwithawaist,—whoverysoonsettledMr.IndignationCocker’sbusiness.

‘Oh!’saidMr.Cocker,withhisfiresurprisinglyquenchedbythisapparition;‘Iwishedtoaskaboutthisbillofmine,becauseitappearstomethatthere’salittlemistakehere.Letmeshowyou.Here’syesterday’ssherryoneandeightpence,andhereweareagaintwoshillings.Andhowdoyouexplainninepence?’

Howeveritwasexplained,intonestoosofttobeoverheard.Mr.Cockerwasheardtosaynothingmorethan‘Ah-h-h!Indeed;thankyou!Yes,’andshortlyafterwardswentout,amilderman.

Thelonelytravellerwiththestomach-achehadallthistimesufferedseverely,drawingupalegnowandthen,andsippinghotbrandy-and-waterwithgratedgingerinit.Whenwetastedour(very)mock-turtlesoup,andwereinstantlyseizedwithsymptomsofsomedisordersimulatingapoplexy,andoccasionedbythesurchargeofnoseandbrainwithlukewarmdish-waterholdinginsolutionsourflour,poisonouscondiments,and(say)seventy-fivepercent.ofmiscellaneouskitchenstuffrolledintoballs,wewereinclinedtotracehisdisordertothatsource.Ontheotherhand,therewasasilentanguishuponhimtoostronglyresemblingtheresultsestablishedwithinourselvesbythesherry,tobediscardedfromalarmedconsideration.Again,weobservedhim,withterror,tobemuchovercomebyoursole’sbeingairedinatemporaryretreatclosetohim,whilethewaiterwentout(asweconceived)toseehisfriends.Andwhenthecurrymadeitsappearancehesuddenlyretiredingreatdisorder.

Infine,fortheuneatablepartofthislittledinner(ascontradistinguishedfromtheundrinkable)wepaidonlysevenshillingsandsixpenceeach.AndBullfinchandIagreedunanimously,thatnosuchill-served,ill-appointed,ill-cooked,nastylittledinnercouldbegotforthemoneyanywhereelseunderthesun.Withthatcomforttoourbacks,weturnedthemonthedearoldTemeraire,thechargingTemeraire,andresolved(intheScotchdialect)togangnaemairtotheflabbyTemeraire.

XXXIVMR.BARLOW

AGREATreaderofgoodfictionatanunusuallyearlyage,itseemstomeasthoughIhadbeenbornunderthesuperintendenceoftheestimablebutterrificgentlemanwhosenamestandsattheheadofmypresentreflections.Theinstructivemonomaniac,Mr.Barlow,willberememberedasthetutorofMasterHarrySandfordandMasterTommyMerton.Hekneweverything,anddidacticallyimprovedallsortsofoccasions,fromtheconsumptionofaplateofcherriestothecontemplationofastarlightnight.WhatyouthcametowithoutMr.BarlowwasdisplayedinthehistoryofSandfordandMerton,bytheexampleofacertainawfulMasterMash.Thisyoungwretchworebucklesandpowder,conductedhimselfwithinsupportablelevityatthetheatre,hadnoideaoffacingamadbullsingle-handed(inwhichIthinkhimlessreprehensible,asremotelyreflectingmyowncharacter),andwasafrightfulinstanceoftheenervatingeffectsofluxuryuponthehumanrace.

StrangedestinyonthepartofMr.Barlow,togodowntoposterityaschildhood’sexperienceofabore!ImmortalMr.Barlow,boringhiswaythroughtheverdantfreshnessofages!

MypersonalindictmentagainstMr.Barlowisoneofmanycounts.Iwillproceedtosetforthafewoftheinjurieshehasdoneme.

Inthefirstplace,henevermadeortookajoke.ThisinsensibilityonMr.Barlow’spartnotonlycastitsowngloomovermyboyhood,butblightedeventhesixpennyjest-booksofthetime;for,groaningunderamoralspellconstrainingmetoreferallthingstoMr.Barlow,Icouldnotchoosebutaskmyselfinawhisperwhentickledbyaprintedjest,‘Whatwouldhethinkofit?Whatwouldheseeinit?’Thepointofthejestimmediatelybecameasting,andstungmyconscience.Formymind’seyesawhimstolid,frigid,perchancetakingfromitsshelfsomedrearyGreekbook,andtranslatingatfulllengthwhatsomedismalsagesaid(andtouchedupafterwards,perhaps,forpublication),whenhebanishedsomeunluckyjokerfromAthens.

TheincompatibilityofMr.Barlowwithallotherportionsofmyyounglifebuthimself,theadamantineinadaptabilityofthemantomyfavouritefanciesandamusements,isthethingforwhichIhatehimmost.WhatrighthadhetoborehiswayintomyArabianNights?Yethedid.HewasalwayshintingdoubtsoftheveracityofSindbadtheSailor.IfhecouldhavegotholdoftheWonderfulLamp,Iknewhewouldhavetrimmeditandlightedit,anddeliveredalectureoveritonthequalitiesofsperm-oil,withaglanceatthewhalefisheries.Hewouldsosoonhavefoundout—onmechanicalprinciples—thepegintheneckoftheEnchantedHorse,andwouldhaveturnedittherightwayinsoworkmanlikeamanner,thatthehorsecouldneverhavegotanyheightintotheair,andthestorycouldn’thavebeen.Hewouldhaveproved,bymapandcompass,thattherewasno

suchkingdomasthedelightfulkingdomofCasgar,onthefrontiersofTartary.HewouldhavecausedthathypocriticalyoungprigHarrytomakeanexperiment,—withtheaidofatemporarybuildinginthegardenandadummy,—demonstratingthatyoucouldn’tletachokedhunchbackdownanEasternchimneywithacord,andleavehimuprightonthehearthtoterrifythesultan’spurveyor.

Thegoldensoundsoftheoverturetothefirstmetropolitanpantomime,Iremember,werealloyedbyMr.Barlow.Clickclick,tingting,bangbang,weedleweedleweedle,bang!Irecallthechillingairthatranacrossmyframeandcooledmyhotdelight,asthethoughtoccurredtome,‘ThiswouldneverdoforMr.Barlow!’Afterthecurtaindrewup,dreadfuldoubtsofMr.Barlow’sconsideringthecostumesoftheNymphsoftheNebulaasbeingsufficientlyopaque,obtrudedthemselvesonmyenjoyment.IntheclownIperceivedtwopersons;oneafascinatingunaccountablecreatureofahecticcomplexion,joyousinspiritsthoughfeebleinintellect,withflashesofbrilliancy;theotherapupilforMr.Barlow.IthoughthowMr.Barlowwouldsecretlyriseearlyinthemorning,andbutterthepavementforhim,and,whenhehadbroughthimdown,wouldlookseverelyoutofhisstudywindowandaskhimhowheenjoyedthefun.

IthoughthowMr.Barlowwouldheatallthepokersinthehouse,andsingehimwiththewholecollection,tobringhimbetteracquaintedwiththepropertiesofincandescentiron,onwhichhe(Barlow)wouldfullyexpatiate.IpicturedMr.Barlow’sinstitutingacomparisonbetweentheclown’sconductathisstudies,—drinkinguptheink,lickinghiscopy-book,andusinghisheadforblotting-paper,—andthatofthealreadymentionedyoungprigofprigs,Harry,sittingattheBarlovianfeet,sneakinglypretendingtobeinaraptureofyouthfulknowledge.IthoughthowsoonMr.Barlowwouldsmooththeclown’shairdown,insteadoflettingitstanderectinthreetalltufts;andhow,afteracoupleofyearsorsowithMr.Barlow,hewouldkeephislegsclosetogetherwhenhewalked,andwouldtakehishandsoutofhisbigloosepockets,andwouldn’thaveajumpleftinhim.

ThatIamparticularlyignorantwhatmostthingsintheuniversearemadeof,andhowtheyaremade,isanotherofmychargesagainstMr.Barlow.WiththedreaduponmeofdevelopingintoaHarry,andwithafurtherdreaduponmeofbeingBarlowedifImadeinquiries,bybringingdownuponmyselfacoldshower-bathofexplanationsandexperiments,Iforboreenlightenmentinmyyouth,andbecame,astheysayinmelodramas,‘thewreckyounowbehold.’ThatIconsortedwithidlersandduncesisanotherofthemelancholyfactsforwhichIholdMr.Barlowresponsible.Thatpragmaticalprig,Harry,becamesodetestableinmysight,that,hebeingreportedstudiousintheSouth,IwouldhavefledidletotheextremestNorth.BettertolearnmisconductfromaMasterMashthanscienceandstatisticsfromaSandford!SoItookthepath,which,butforMr.Barlow,Imightneverhavetrodden.ThoughtI,withashudder,‘Mr.Barlowisabore,withanimmenseconstructivepowerofmakingbores.Hisprizespecimenisabore.Heseekstomakeaboreofme.ThatknowledgeispowerIamnotpreparedtogainsay;but,withMr.Barlow,knowledgeispowertobore.’ThereforeItookrefugeinthecavesofignorance,whereinIhaveresidedeversince,andwhicharestillmyprivateaddress.

ButtheweightiestchargeofallmychargesagainstMr.Barlowis,thathestillwalkstheearthinvariousdisguises,seekingtomakeaTommyofme,eveninmymaturity.

Irrepressible,instructivemonomaniac,Mr.Barlowfillsmylifewithpitfalls,andlieshidingatthebottomtoburstoutuponmewhenIleastexpecthim.

Afewofthesedismalexperiencesofmineshallsuffice.

KnowingMr.Barlowtohaveinvestedlargelyinthemovingpanoramatrade,andhavingonvariousoccasionsidentifiedhiminthedarkwithalongwandinhishand,holdingforthinhisoldway(mademoreappallinginthisconnectionbyhissometimescrackingapieceofMr.Carlyle’sownDead-Seafruitinmistakeforajoke),Isystematicallyshunpictorialentertainmentonrollers.Similarly,IshoulddemandresponsiblebailandguarantyagainsttheappearanceofMr.Barlow,beforecommittingmyselftoattendanceatanyassemblageofmyfellow-creatureswhereabottleofwaterandanote-bookwereconspicuousobjects;forineitherofthoseassociations,Ishouldexpresslyexpecthim.Butsuchisthedesigningnatureoftheman,thathestealsinwherenoreasoningprecautionorprovisioncouldexpecthim.Asinthefollowingcase:—

AdjoiningtheCavesofIgnoranceisacountrytown.InthiscountrytowntheMississippiMomuses,nineinnumber,wereannouncedtoappearinthetown-hall,forthegeneraldelectation,thislastChristmasweek.KnowingMr.BarlowtobeunconnectedwiththeMississippi,thoughholdingrepublicanopinions,anddeemingmyselfsecure,Itookastall.MyobjectwastohearandseetheMississippiMomusesinwhatthebillsdescribedastheir‘Nationalballads,plantationbreak-downs,niggerpart-songs,choiceconundrums,sparklingrepartees,&c.’Ifoundtheninedressedalike,intheblackcoatandtrousers,whitewaistcoat,verylargeshirt-front,verylargeshirt-collar,andverylargewhitetieandwristbands,whichconstitutethedressofthemassoftheAfricanrace,andwhichhasbeenobservedbytravellerstoprevailoveravastnumberofdegreesoflatitude.Alltheninerolledtheireyesexceedingly,andhadveryredlips.Attheextremitiesofthecurvetheyformed,seatedintheirchairs,weretheperformersonthetambourineandbones.ThecentreMomus,ablackofmelancholyaspect(whoinspiredmewithavagueuneasinessforwhichIcouldnotthenaccount),performedonaMississippiinstrumentcloselyresemblingwhatwasoncecalledinthisislandahurdy-gurdy.TheMomusesoneithersideofhimhadeachanotherinstrumentpeculiartotheFatherofWaters,whichmaybelikenedtoastringedweather-glassheldupsidedown.Therewerelikewisealittlefluteandaviolin.Allwentwellforawhile,andwehadhadseveralsparklingreparteesexchangedbetweentheperformersonthetambourineandbones,whentheblackofmelancholyaspect,turningtothelatter,andaddressinghiminadeepandimprovingvoiceas‘Bones,sir,’deliveredcertaingraveremarkstohimconcerningthejuvenilespresent,andtheseasonoftheyear;whereonIperceivedthatIwasinthepresenceofMr.Barlow—corked!

Anothernight—andthiswasinLondon—Iattendedtherepresentationofalittlecomedy.Asthecharacterswerelifelike(andconsequentlynotimproving),andastheywentupontheirseveralwaysanddesignswithoutpersonallyaddressingthemselvestome,IfeltratherconfidentofcomingthroughitwithoutbeingregardedasTommy,themoreso,aswewereclearlygettingclosetotheend.ButIdeceivedmyself.Allofasudden,Aproposofnothing,everybodyconcernedcametoacheckandhalt,advancedtothefoot-lightsinageneralrallytotakedeadaimatme,andbroughtmedownwithamoralhomily,inwhichIdetectedthedreadhandofBarlow.

Nay,sointricateandsubtlearethetoilsofthishunter,thatontheverynextnightafterthat,Iwasagainentrapped,wherenovestigeofaspringcouldhavebeenapprehendedbythetimidest.ItwasaburlesquethatIsawperformed;anuncompromisingburlesque,whereeverybodyconcerned,butespeciallytheladies,carriedonataveryconsiderablerateindeed.MostprominentandactiveamongthecorpsofperformerswaswhatItooktobe(andshereallygavemeveryfairopportunitiesofcomingtoarightconclusion)ayoungladyofaprettyfigure.Shewasdressedasapicturesqueyounggentleman,whosepantaloonshadbeencutoffintheirinfancy;andshehadveryneatkneesandveryneatsatinboots.Immediatelyaftersingingaslangsonganddancingaslangdance,thisengagingfigureapproachedthefatallamps,and,bendingoverthem,deliveredinathrillingvoicearandomeulogiumon,andexhortationtopursue,thevirtues.‘GreatHeaven!’wasmyexclamation;‘Barlow!’

ThereisstillanotheraspectinwhichMr.BarlowperpetuallyinsistsonmysustainingthecharacterofTommy,whichismoreunendurableyet,onaccountofitsextremeaggressiveness.Forthepurposesofareviewornewspaper,hewillgetupanabstrusesubjectwithdefinitepains,willBarlow,utterlyregardlessofthepriceofmidnightoil,andindeedofeverythingelse,savecramminghimselftotheeyes.

Butmark.WhenMr.Barlowblowshisinformationoff,heisnotcontentedwithhavingrammedithome,anddischargedituponme,Tommy,histarget,buthepretendsthathewasalwaysinpossessionofit,andmadenothingofit,—thatheimbibeditwithmother’smilk,—andthatI,thewretchedTommy,ammostabjectlybehindhandinnothavingdonethesame.Iask,whyisTommytobealwaysthefoilofMr.Barlowtothisextent?WhatMr.Barlowhadnottheslightestnotionofhimself,aweekago,itsurelycannotbeanyveryheavybackslidinginmenottohaveatmyfingers’endsto-day!AndyetMr.Barlowsystematicallycarriesitovermewithahighhand,andwilltauntinglyaskme,inhisarticles,whetheritispossiblethatIamnotawarethateveryschool-boyknowsthatthefourteenthturningontheleftinthesteppesofRussiawillconducttosuchandsuchawanderingtribe?withotherdisparagingquestionsoflikenature.So,whenMr.Barlowaddressesalettertoanyjournalasavolunteercorrespondent(whichIfrequentlyfindhimdoing),hewillpreviouslyhavegottensomebodytotellhimsometremendoustechnicality,andwillwriteinthecoolestmanner,‘Now,sir,Imayassumethateveryreaderofyourcolumns,possessingaverageinformationandintelligence,knowsaswellasIdothat’—saythatthedraughtfromthetouch-holeofacannonofsuchacalibrebearssuchaproportioninthenicestfractionstothedraughtfromthemuzzle;orsomeequallyfamiliarlittlefact.Butwhateveritis,becertainthatitalwaystendstotheexaltationofMr.Barlow,andthedepressionofhisenforcedandenslavedpupil.

Mr.Barlow’sknowledgeofmyownpursuitsIfindtobesoprofound,thatmyownknowledgeofthembecomesasnothing.Mr.Barlow(disguisedandbearingafeignedname,butdetectedbyme)hasoccasionallytaughtme,inasonorousvoice,fromendtoendofalongdinner-table,triflesthatItookthelibertyofteachinghimfive-and-twentyyearsago.MyclosingarticleofimpeachmentagainstMr.Barlowis,thathegoesouttobreakfast,goesouttodinner,goesouteverywhere,highandlow,andthatheWILLpreachtome,andthatICAN’Tgetridofhim.HemakesmeaPrometheanTommy,bound;andheisthevulturethatgorgesitselfupontheliverofmyuninstructedmind.

XXXVONANAMATEURBEAT

ITisoneofmyfancies,thatevenmyidlestwalkmustalwayshaveitsappointeddestination.IsetmyselfataskbeforeIleavemylodginginCovent-gardenonastreetexpedition,andshouldnomorethinkofalteringmyroutebytheway,orturningbackandleavingapartofitunachieved,thanIshouldthinkoffraudulentlyviolatinganagreemententeredintowithsomebodyelse.Theotherday,findingmyselfunderthiskindofobligationtoproceedtoLimehouse,Istartedpunctuallyatnoon,incompliancewiththetermsofthecontractwithmyselftowhichmygoodfaithwaspledged.

Onsuchanoccasion,itismyhabittoregardmywalkasmybeat,andmyselfasahighersortofpolice-constabledoingdutyonthesame.ThereismanyaruffianinthestreetswhomImentallycollarandclearoutofthem,whowouldseemightylittleofLondon,Icantellhim,ifIcoulddealwithhimphysically.

Issuingforthuponthisverybeat,andfollowingwithmyeyesthreehulkinggarrottersontheirwayhome,—whichhomeIcouldconfidentlysweartobewithinsomanyyardsofDrury-lane,insuchanarrowandrestricteddirection(thoughtheyliveintheirlodgingquiteasundisturbedasIinmine),—IwentondutywithaconsiderationwhichIrespectfullyoffertothenewChiefCommissioner,—inwhomIthoroughlyconfideasatriedandefficientpublicservant.Howoften(thoughtI)haveIbeenforcedtoswallow,inpolice-reports,theintolerablestereotypedpillofnonsense,howthatthepolice-constableinformedtheworthymagistratehowthattheassociatesoftheprisonerdid,atthatpresentspeaking,dwellinastreetorcourtwhichnomandaredgodown,andhowthattheworthymagistratehadheardofthedarkreputationofsuchstreetorcourt,andhowthatourreaderswoulddoubtlessrememberthatitwasalwaysthesamestreetorcourtwhichwasthusedifyinglydiscoursedabout,sayonceafortnight.

Now,supposethataChiefCommissionersentroundacirculartoeverydivisionofpoliceemployedinLondon,requiringinstantlythenamesinalldistrictsofallsuchmuch-puffedstreetsorcourtswhichnomandurstgodown;andsupposethatinsuchcircularhegaveplainwarning,‘Ifthoseplacesreallyexist,theyareaproofofpoliceinefficiencywhichImeantopunish;andiftheydonotexist,butareaconventionalfiction,thentheyareaproofoflazytacitpoliceconnivancewithprofessionalcrime,whichIalsomeantopunish’—whatthen?Fictionsorrealities,couldtheysurvivethetouchstoneofthisatomofcommonsense?Totellusinopencourt,untilithasbecomeastriteafeatureofnewsasthegreatgooseberry,thatacostlypolice-systemsuchaswasneverbeforeheardof,hasleftinLondon,inthedaysofsteamandgasandphotographsofthievesandelectrictelegraphs,thesanctuariesandstewsoftheStuarts!Why,aparityofpractice,inalldepartments,wouldbringbackthePlagueintwosummers,andtheDruidsinacentury!

Walkingfasterundermyshareofthispublicinjury,Ioverturnedawretchedlittlecreature,who,clutchingattheragsofapairoftrouserswithoneofitsclaws,andatitsraggedhairwiththeother,patteredwithbarefeetoverthemuddystones.Istoppedtoraiseand

succourthispoorweepingwretch,andfiftylikeit,butofbothsexes,wereaboutmeinamoment,begging,tumbling,fighting,clamouring,yelling,shiveringintheirnakednessandhunger.ThepieceofmoneyIhadputintotheclawofthechildIhadover-turnedwasclawedoutofit,andwasagainclawedoutofthatwolfishgripe,andagainoutofthat,andsoonIhadnonotioninwhatpartoftheobscenescuffleinthemud,ofragsandlegsandarmsanddirt,themoneymightbe.Inraisingthechild,Ihaddrawnitasideoutofthemainthoroughfare,andthistookplaceamongsomewoodenhoardingsandbarriersandruinsofdemolishedbuildings,hardbyTempleBar.

Unexpectedly,fromamongthememergedagenuinepolice-constable,beforewhomthedreadfulbrooddispersedinvariousdirections,hemakingfeintsanddartsinthisdirectionandinthat,andcatchingnothing.Whenallwerefrightenedaway,hetookoffhishat,pulledoutahandkerchieffromit,wipedhisheatedbrow,andrestoredthehandkerchiefandhattotheirplaces,withtheairofamanwhohaddischargedagreatmoralduty,—asindeedhehad,indoingwhatwassetdownforhim.Ilookedathim,andIlookedaboutatthedisorderlytracesinthemud,andIthoughtofthedropsofrainandthefootprintsofanextinctcreature,hoaryagesuponagesold,thatgeologistshaveidentifiedonthefaceofacliff;andthisspeculationcameoverme:Ifthismudcouldpetrifyatthismoment,andcouldlieconcealedherefortenthousandyears,Iwonderwhethertheraceofmenthentobeoursuccessorsontheearthcould,fromtheseoranymarks,bytheutmostforceofthehumanintellect,unassistedbytradition,deducesuchanastoundinginferenceastheexistenceofapolishedstateofsocietythatborewiththepublicsavageryofneglectedchildreninthestreetsofitscapitalcity,andwasproudofitspowerbyseaandland,andneveruseditspowertoseizeandsavethem!

Afterthis,whenIcametotheOldBaileyandglancedupittowardsNewgate,Ifoundthattheprisonhadaninconsistentlook.Thereseemedtobesomeunluckyinconsistencyintheatmospherethatday;forthoughtheproportionsofSt.Paul’sCathedralareverybeautiful,ithadanairofbeingsomewhatoutofdrawing,inmyeyes.Ifeltasthoughthecrossweretoohighup,andperchedupontheinterveninggoldenballtoofaraway.

Facingeastward,IleftbehindmeSmithfieldandOldBailey,—fireandfaggot,condemnedhold,publichanging,whippingthroughthecityatthecart-tail,pillory,branding-iron,andotherbeautifulancestrallandmarks,whichrudehandshaverootedup,withoutbringingthestarsquitedownuponusasyet,—andwentmywayuponmybeat,notinghowoddlycharacteristicneighbourhoodsaredividedfromoneanother,hereabout,asthoughbyaninvisiblelineacrosstheway.Hereshallceasethebankersandthemoney-changers;hereshallbegintheshippinginterestandthenautical-instrumentshops;hereshallfollowascarcelyperceptibleflavouringofgroceriesanddrugs;hereshallcomeastronginfusionofbutchers;now,smallhosiersshallbeintheascendant;henceforth,everythingexposedforsaleshallhaveitsticketedpriceattached.Allthisasifspeciallyorderedandappointed.

AsinglestrideatHoundsditchChurch,nowiderthansufficedtocrossthekennelatthebottomoftheCanon-gate,whichthedebtorsinHolyroodsanctuarywerewonttorelievetheirmindsbyskippingover,asScottrelates,andstandingindelightfuldaringofcatchpolesonthefreeside,—asinglestride,andeverythingisentirelychangedingrainandcharacter.Westofthestride,atable,orachestofdrawersonsale,shallbeof

mahoganyandFrench-polished;eastofthestride,itshallbeofdeal,smearedwithacheapcounterfeitresemblinglip-salve.Westofthestride,apennyloaforbunshallbecompactandself-contained;eastofthestride,itshallbeofasprawlingandsplay-footedcharacter,asseekingtomakemoreofitselfforthemoney.MybeatlyingroundbyWhitechapelChurch,andtheadjacentsugar-refineries,—greatbuildings,tierupontier,thathavetheappearanceofbeingnearlyrelatedtothedock-warehousesatLiverpool,—Iturnedofftomyright,and,passingroundtheawkwardcorneronmyleft,camesuddenlyonanapparitionfamiliartoLondonstreetsafaroff.

WhatLondonperipateticofthesetimeshasnotseenthewomanwhohasfallenforward,double,throughsomeaffectionofthespine,andwhoseheadhasoflatetakenaturntooneside,sothatitnowdroopsoverthebackofoneofherarmsataboutthewrist?Whodoesnotknowherstaff,andhershawl,andherbasket,asshegropesherwayalong,capableofseeingnothingbutthepavement,neverbegging,neverstopping,forevergoingsomewhereonnobusiness?Howdoesshelive,whencedoesshecome,whitherdoesshego,andwhy?Imindthetimewhenheryellowarmswerenaughtbutboneandparchment.Slightchangesstealoverher;forthereisashadowysuggestionofhumanskinonthemnow.TheStrandmaybetakenasthecentralpointaboutwhichsherevolvesinahalf-mileorbit.Howcomesshesofareastasthis?Andcomingbacktoo!Havingbeenhowmuchfarther?Sheisararespectacleinthisneighbourhood.Ireceiveintelligentinformationtothiseffectfromadog—alop-sidedmongrelwithafoolishtail,ploddingalongwithhistailup,andhisearspricked,anddisplayinganamiableinterestinthewaysofhisfellow-men,—ifImaybeallowedtheexpression.Afterpausingatapork-shop,heisjoggingeastwardlikemyself,withabenevolentcountenanceandawaterymouth,asthoughmusingonthemanyexcellencesofpork,whenhebeholdsthisdoubled-upbundleapproaching.Heisnotsomuchastonishedatthebundle(thoughamazedbythat),asthecircumstancethatithaswithinitselfthemeansoflocomotion.Hestops,prickshisearshigher,makesaslightpoint,stares,uttersashort,lowgrowl,andglistensatthenose,—asIconceivewithterror.Thebundlecontinuingtoapproach,hebarks,turnstail,andisabouttofly,when,arguingwithhimselfthatflightisnotbecominginadog,heturns,andoncemorefacestheadvancingheapofclothes.Aftermuchhesitation,itoccurstohimthattheremaybeafaceinitsomewhere.Desperatelyresolvingtoundertaketheadventure,andpursuetheinquiry,hegoesslowlyuptothebundle,goesslowlyroundit,andcomingatlengthuponthehumancountenancedowntherewhereneverhumancountenanceshouldbe,givesayelpofhorror,andfliesfortheEastIndiaDocks.

BeingnowintheCommercialRoaddistrictofmybeat,andbethinkingmyselfthatStepneyStationisnear,IquickenmypacethatImayturnoutoftheroadatthatpoint,andseehowmysmalleasternstarisshining.

TheChildren’sHospital,towhichIgavethatname,isinfullforce.Allitsbedsareoccupied.Thereisanewfaceonthebedwheremyprettybabylay,andthatsweetlittlechildisnowatrestforever.Muchkindsympathyhasbeenheresincemyformervisit,anditisgoodtoseethewallsprofuselygarnishedwithdolls.IwonderwhatPoodlesmaythinkofthem,astheystretchouttheirarmsabovethebeds,andstare,anddisplaytheirsplendiddresses.Poodleshasagreaterinterestinthepatients.Ifindhimmakingtheroundofthebeds,likeahouse-surgeon,attendedbyanotherdog,—afriend,—whoappearstotrotaboutwithhiminthecharacterofhispupildresser.Poodlesisanxiousto

makemeknowntoaprettylittlegirllookingwonderfullyhealthy,whohadhadalegtakenoffforcanceroftheknee.Adifficultoperation,Poodlesintimates,wagginghistailonthecounterpane,butperfectlysuccessful,asyousee,dearsir!Thepatient,pattingPoodles,addswithasmile,‘Thelegwassomuchtroubletome,thatIamgladit’sgone.’IneversawanythingindoggeryfinerthanthedeportmentofPoodles,whenanotherlittlegirlopenshermouthtoshowapeculiarenlargementofthetongue.Poodles(atthattimeonatable,tobeonalevelwiththeoccasion)looksatthetongue(withhisownsympatheticallyout)soverygravelyandknowingly,thatIfeelinclinedtoputmyhandinmywaistcoat-pocket,andgivehimaguinea,wrappedinpaper.

Onmybeatagain,andclosetoLimehouseChurch,itstermination,Ifoundmyselfneartocertain‘Lead-Mills.’Struckbythename,whichwasfreshinmymemory,andfinding,oninquiry,thatthesesamelead-millswereidentifiedwiththosesamelead-millsofwhichImadementionwhenIfirstvisitedtheEastLondonChildren’sHospitalanditsneighbourhoodasUncommercialTraveller,Iresolvedtohavealookatthem.

Receivedbytwoveryintelligentgentlemen,brothers,andpartnerswiththeirfatherintheconcern,andwhotestifiedeverydesiretoshowtheirworkstomefreely,Iwentoverthelead-mills.Thepurportofsuchworksistheconversionofpig-leadintowhite-lead.Thisconversionisbroughtaboutbytheslowandgradualeffectingofcertainsuccessivechemicalchangesintheleaditself.Theprocessesarepicturesqueandinteresting,—themostso,beingtheburyingofthelead,atacertainstageofpreparation,inpots,eachpotcontainingacertainquantityofacidbesides,andallthepotsbeingburiedinvastnumbers,inlayers,undertan,forsometenweeks.

Hoppingupladders,andacrossplanks,andonelevatedperches,untilIwasuncertainwhethertolikenmyselftoabirdorabrick-layer,Ibecameconsciousofstandingonnothingparticular,lookingdownintooneofaseriesoflargecocklofts,withtheouterdaypeepinginthroughthechinksinthetiledroofabove.Anumberofwomenwereascendingto,anddescendingfrom,thiscockloft,eachcarryingontheupwardjourneyapotofpreparedleadandacid,fordepositionunderthesmokingtan.Whenonelayerofpotswascompletelyfilled,itwascarefullycoveredinwithplanks,andthosewerecarefullycoveredwithtanagain,andthenanotherlayerofpotswasbegunabove;sufficientmeansofventilationbeingpreservedthroughwoodentubes.Goingdownintothecockloftthenfilling,Ifoundtheheatofthetantobesurprisinglygreat,andalsotheodouroftheleadandacidtobenotabsolutelyexquisite,thoughIbelievenotnoxiousatthatstage.Inothercocklofts,wherethepotswerebeingexhumed,theheatofthesteamingtanwasmuchgreater,andthesmellwaspenetratingandpeculiar.Therewerecockloftsinallstages;fullandempty,halffilledandhalfemptied;strong,activewomenwereclamberingaboutthembusily;andthewholethinghadrathertheairoftheupperpartofthehouseofsomeimmenselyricholdTurk,whosefaithfulseragliowerehidinghismoneybecausethesultanorthepashawascoming.

Asisthecasewithmostpulpsorpigments,sointheinstanceofthiswhite-lead,processesofstirring,separating,washing,grinding,rolling,andpressingsucceed.Someoftheseareunquestionablyinimicaltohealth,thedangerarisingfrominhalationofparticlesoflead,orfromcontactbetweentheleadandthetouch,orboth.Againstthesedangers,Ifoundgoodrespiratorsprovided(simplymadeofflannelandmuslin,soastobeinexpensively

renewed,andinsomeinstanceswashedwithscentedsoap),andgauntletgloves,andloosegowns.Everywhere,therewasasmuchfreshairaswindows,wellplacedandopened,couldpossiblyadmit.Anditwasexplainedthattheprecautionoffrequentlychangingthewomenemployedintheworstpartsofthework(aprecautionoriginatingintheirownexperienceorapprehensionofitsilleffects)wasfoundsalutary.Theyhadamysteriousandsingularappearance,withthemouthandnosecovered,andtheloosegownon,andyetboreoutthesimileoftheoldTurkandtheseraglioallthebetterforthedisguise.

Atlastthisvexedwhite-lead,havingbeenburiedandresuscitated,andheatedandcooledandstirred,andseparatedandwashedandground,androlledandpressed,issubjectedtotheactionofintensefieryheat.Arowofwomen,dressedasabovedescribed,stood,letussay,inalargestonebakehouse,passingonthebaking-dishesastheyweregivenoutbythecooks,fromhandtohand,intotheovens.Theoven,orstove,coldasyet,lookedashighasanordinaryhouse,andwasfullofmenandwomenontemporaryfootholds,brisklypassingupandstowingawaythedishes.Thedoorofanotheroven,orstove,abouttobecooledandemptied,wasopenedfromabove,fortheuncommercialcountenancetopeerdowninto.Theuncommercialcountenancewithdrewitself,withexpeditionandasenseofsuffocation,fromthedull-glowingheatandtheoverpoweringsmell.Onthewhole,perhapsthegoingintothesestovestowork,whentheyarefreshlyopened,maybetheworstpartoftheoccupation.

ButImadeitouttobeindubitablethattheownersoftheselead-millshonestlyandsedulouslytrytoreducethedangersoftheoccupationtothelowestpoint.

Awashing-placeisprovidedforthewomen(Ithoughttheremighthavebeenmoretowels),andaroominwhichtheyhangtheirclothes,andtaketheirmeals,andwheretheyhaveagoodfire-rangeandfire,andafemaleattendanttohelpthem,andtowatchthattheydonotneglectthecleansingoftheirhandsbeforetouchingtheirfood.Anexperiencedmedicalattendantisprovidedforthem,andanypremonitorysymptomsoflead-poisoningarecarefullytreated.Theirteapotsandsuchthingsweresetoutontablesreadyfortheirafternoonmeal,whenIsawtheirroom;andithadahomelylook.Itisfoundthattheybeartheworkmuchbetterthanmen:somefewofthemhavebeenatitforyears,andthegreatmajorityofthoseIobservedwerestrongandactive.Ontheotherhand,itshouldberememberedthatmostofthemareverycapriciousandirregularintheirattendance.

Americaninventivenesswouldseemtoindicatethatbeforeverylongwhite-leadmaybemadeentirelybymachinery.Thesooner,thebetter.Inthemeantime,Ipartedfrommytwofrankconductorsoverthemills,bytellingthemthattheyhadnothingtheretobeconcealed,andnothingtobeblamedfor.Astotherest,thephilosophyofthematteroflead-poisoningandworkpeopleseemstometohavebeenprettyfairlysummedupbytheIrishwomanwhomIquotedinmyformerpaper:‘Someofthemgetslead-pisonedsoon,andsomeofthemgetslead-pisonedlater,andsome,butnotmany,niver;and’tisallaccordingtotheconstitooshun,sur;andsomeconstitooshunsisstrongandsomeisweak.’Retracingmyfootstepsovermybeat,Iwentoffduty.

XXXVIAFLY-LEAFINALIFE

ONCEuponatime(nomatterwhen),Iwasengagedinapursuit(nomatterwhat),whichcouldbetransactedbymyselfalone;inwhichIcouldhavenohelp;whichimposedaconstantstrainontheattention,memory,observation,andphysicalpowers;andwhichinvolvedanalmostfabulousamountofchangeofplaceandrapidrailwaytravelling.Ihadfollowedthispursuitthroughanexceptionallytryingwinterinanalwaystryingclimate,andhadresumeditinEnglandafterbutabriefrepose.Thusitcametobeprolongeduntil,atlength—and,asitseemed,allofasudden—itsoworemeoutthatIcouldnotrely,withmyusualcheerfulconfidence,uponmyselftoachievetheconstantlyrecurringtask,andbegantofeel(forthefirsttimeinmylife)giddy,jarred,shaken,faint,uncertainofvoiceandsightandtreadandtouch,anddullofspirit.ThemedicaladviceIsoughtwithinafewhours,wasgivenintwowords:‘instantrest.’BeingaccustomedtoobservemyselfascuriouslyasifIwereanotherman,andknowingtheadvicetomeetmyonlyneed,IinstantlyhaltedinthepursuitofwhichIspeak,andrested.

Myintentionwas,tointerpose,asitwere,afly-leafinthebookofmylife,inwhichnothingshouldbewrittenfromwithoutforabriefseasonofafewweeks.Butsomeverysingularexperiencesrecordedthemselvesonthissamefly-leaf,andIamgoingtorelatethemliterally.Irepeattheword:literally.

Myfirstoddexperiencewasoftheremarkablecoincidencebetweenmycase,inthegeneralmind,andoneMr.Merdle’sasIfinditrecordedinaworkoffictioncalledLITTLEDORRIT.Tobesure,Mr.Merdlewasaswindler,forger,andthief,andmycallinghadbeenofalessharmful(andlessremunerative)nature;butitwasalloneforthat.

HereisMr.Merdle’scase:

‘Atfirst,hewasdeadofallthediseasesthateverwereknown,andofseveralbran-newmaladiesinventedwiththespeedofLighttomeetthedemandoftheoccasion.Hehadconcealedadropsyfrominfancy,hehadinheritedalargeestateofwateronthechestfromhisgrandfather,hehadhadanoperationperformeduponhimeverymorningofhislifeforeighteenyears,hehadbeensubjecttotheexplosionofimportantveinsinhisbodyafterthemanneroffireworks,hehadhadsomethingthematterwithhislungs,hehadhadsomethingthematterwithhisheart,hehadhadsomethingthematterwithhisbrain.Fivehundredpeoplewhosatdowntobreakfastentirelyuninformedonthewholesubject,believedbeforetheyhaddonebreakfast,thattheyprivatelyandpersonallyknewPhysiciantohavesaidtoMr.Merdle,“Youmustexpecttogoout,someday,likethesnuffofacandle;”andthattheyknewMr.MerdletohavesaidtoPhysician,“Amancandiebutonce.”Byabouteleveno’clockintheforenoon,somethingthematterwiththebrain,becamethefavouritetheoryagainstthefield;andbytwelvethesomethinghadbeendistinctlyascertainedtobe“Pressure.”

‘Pressurewassoentirelysatisfactorytothepublicmind,andseemedtomakeeveryonesocomfortable,thatitmighthavelastedalldaybutforBar’shavingtakentherealstateof

thecaseintoCourtathalf-pastnine.Pressure,however,sofarfrombeingoverthrownbythediscovery,becameagreaterfavouritethanever.TherewasageneralmoralisinguponPressure,ineverystreet.Allthepeoplewhohadtriedtomakemoneyandhadnotbeenabletodoit,said,Thereyouwere!Younosoonerbegantodevoteyourselftothepursuitofwealth,thanyougotPressure.Theidlepeopleimprovedtheoccasioninasimilarmanner.See,saidthey,whatyoubroughtyourselftobywork,work,work!Youpersistedinworking,youoverdidit,Pressurecameon,andyouweredonefor!Thisconsiderationwasverypotentinmanyquarters,butnowheremoresothanamongtheyoungclerksandpartnerswhohadneverbeenintheslightestdangerofoverdoingit.These,oneandalldeclared,quitepiously,thattheyhopedtheywouldneverforgetthewarningaslongastheylived,andthattheirconductmightbesoregulatedastokeepoffPressure,andpreservethem,acomforttotheirfriends,formanyyears.’

Justmycase—ifIhadonlyknownit—whenIwasquietlybaskinginthesunshineinmyKentishmeadow!

ButwhileIsorested,thankfullyrecoveringeveryhour,Ihadexperiencesmoreoddthanthis.Ihadexperiencesofspiritualconceit,forwhich,asgivingmeanewwarningagainstthatcurseofmankind,IshallalwaysfeelgratefultothesuppositionthatIwastoofargonetoprotestagainstplayingsickliontoanystraydonkeywithanitchinghoof.Allsortsofpeopleseemedtobecomevicariouslyreligiousatmyexpense.IreceivedthemostuncompromisingwarningthatIwasaHeathen:ontheconclusiveauthorityofafieldpreacher,who,likethemostofhisignorantandvainanddaringclass,couldnotconstructatolerablesentenceinhisnativetongueorpenafairletter.Thisinspiredindividualcalledmetoorderroundly,andknewinthefreestandeasiestwaywhereIwasgoingto,andwhatwouldbecomeofmeifIfailedtofashionmyselfonhisbrightexample,andwasontermsofblasphemousconfidencewiththeHeavenlyHost.Hewasinthesecretsofmyheart,andinthelowestsoundingsofmysoul—he!—andcouldreadthedepthsofmynaturebetterthanhisABC,andcouldturnmeinsideout,likehisownclammyglove.Butwhatisfarmoreextraordinarythanthis—forsuchdirtywaterasthiscouldalonebedrawnfromsuchashallowandmuddysource—Ifoundfromtheinformationofabeneficedclergyman,ofwhomIneverheardandwhomIneversaw,thatIhadnot,asIrathersupposedIhad,livedalifeofsomereading,contemplation,andinquiry;thatIhadnotstudied,asIrathersupposedIhad,toinculcatesomeChristianlessonsinbooks;thatIhadnevertried,asIrathersupposedIhad,toturnachildortwotenderlytowardstheknowledgeandloveofourSaviour;thatIhadneverhad,asIrathersupposedIhadhad,departedfriends,orstoodbesideopengraves;butthatIhadlivedalifeof‘uninterruptedprosperity,’andthatIneededthis‘check,overmuch,’andthatthewaytoturnittoaccountwastoreadthesesermonsandthesepoems,enclosed,andwrittenandissuedbymycorrespondent!IbegitmaybeunderstoodthatIrelatefactsofmyownuncommercialexperience,andnovainimaginings.Thedocumentsinprooflienearmyhand.

Anotheroddentryonthefly-leaf,ofamoreentertainingcharacter,wasthewonderfulpersistencywithwhichkindsympathisersassumedthatIhadinjuriouslycoupledwiththesosuddenlyrelinquishedpursuit,thosepersonalhabitsofminemostobviouslyincompatiblewithit,andmostplainlyimpossibleofbeingmaintained,alongwithit.As,allthatexercise,allthatcoldbathing,allthatwindandweather,allthatuphilltraining—allthateverythingelse,say,whichisusuallycarriedaboutbyexpresstrainsina

portmanteauandhat-box,andpartakenofunderaflamingrowofgas-lightsinthecompanyoftwothousandpeople.Thisassumingofawholecaseagainstallfactandlikelihood,struckmeasparticularlydroll,andwasanoddityofwhichIcertainlyhadhadnoadequateexperienceinlifeuntilIturnedthatcuriousfly-leaf.

Myoldacquaintancesthebegging-letterwriterscameoutonthefly-leaf,verypiouslyindeed.Theywereglad,atsuchaseriouscrisis,toaffordmeanotheropportunityofsendingthatPost-officeorder.Ineedn’tmakeitapound,aspreviouslyinsistedon;tenshillingsmighteasemymind.AndHeavenforbidthattheyshouldrefuse,atsuchaninsignificantfigure,totakeaweightoffthememoryofanerringfellow-creature!Onegentleman,ofanartisticturn(andcopiouslyillustratingthebooksoftheMendicitySociety),thoughtitmightsoothemyconscience,inthetenderrespectofgiftsmisused,ifIwouldimmediatelycashupinaidofhislowlytalentfororiginaldesign—asaspecimenofwhichheenclosedmeaworkofartwhichIrecognizedasatracingfromawoodcutoriginallypublishedinthelateMrs.Trollope’sbookonAmerica,fortyorfiftyyearsago.Thenumberofpeoplewhowerepreparedtolivelongyearsafterme,untiringbenefactorstotheirspecies,forfiftypoundsapiecedown,wasastonishing.Also,ofthosewhowantedbank-notesforstiffpenitentialamounts,togiveaway:—nottokeep,onanyaccount.

Diverswonderfulmedicinesandmachinesinsinuatedrecommendationsofthemselvesintothefly-leafthatwastohavebeensoblank.Itwasspeciallyobservablethateveryprescriber,whetherinamoralorphysicaldirection,knewmethoroughly—knewmefromheadtoheel,inandout,throughandthrough,upsidedown.Iwasaglasspieceofgeneralproperty,andeverybodywasonthemostsurprisinglyintimatetermswithme.Afewpublicinstitutionshadcomplimentaryperceptionsofcornersinmymind,ofwhich,afterconsiderableself-examination,Ihavenotdiscoveredanyindication.Neatlittleprintedformswereaddressedtothosecorners,beginningwiththewords:‘Igiveandbequeath.’

Willitseemexaggerativetostatemybeliefthatthemosthonest,themostmodest,andtheleastvain-gloriousofalltherecordsuponthisstrangefly-leaf,wasaletterfromtheself-deceiveddiscovererofthereconditesecret‘howtolivefourorfivehundredyears’?Doubtlessitwillseemso,yetthestatementisnotexaggerativebyanymeans,butismadeinmyseriousandsincereconviction.Withthis,andwithalaughattherestthatshallnotbecynical,IturntheFly-leaf,andgoonagain.

XXXVIIAPLEAFORTOTALABSTINENCE

ONEdaythislastWhitsuntide,atpreciselyeleveno’clockintheforenoon,theresuddenlyrodeintothefieldofviewcommandedbythewindowsofmylodginganequestrianphenomenon.Itwasafellow-creatureonhorseback,dressedintheabsurdestmanner.Thefellow-creatureworehighboots;someother(andmuchlarger)fellow-creature’sbreeches,ofaslack-bakeddoughycolourandabaggyform;ablueshirt,whereoftheskirt,ortail,waspuffilytuckedintothewaist-bandofthesaidbreeches;nocoat;aredshoulder-belt;andademi-semi-militaryscarlethat,withafeatheredornamentinfront,which,totheuninstructedhumanvision,hadtheappearanceofamoultingshuttlecock.IlaiddownthenewspaperwithwhichIhadbeenoccupied,andsurveyedthefellow-maninquestionwithastonishment.Whetherhehadbeensittingtoanypainterasafrontispieceforaneweditionof‘SartorResartus;’whether‘thehuskorshellofhim,’astheesteemedHerrTeufelsdrochmightputit,werefoundedonajockey,onacircus,onGeneralGaribaldi,oncheapporcelain,onatoyshop,onGuyFawkes,onwaxwork,ongold-digging,onBedlam,oronall,—weredoubtsthatgreatlyexercisedmymind.Meanwhile,myfellow-manstumbledandslided,excessivelyagainsthiswill,ontheslipperystonesofmyCovent-gardenstreet,andelicitedshrieksfromseveralsympatheticfemales,byconvulsivelyrestraininghimselffrompitchingoverhishorse’shead.Intheverycrisisoftheseevolutions,andindeedatthetryingmomentwhenhischarger’stailwasinatobacconist’sshop,andhisheadanywhereabouttown,thiscavalierwasjoinedbytwosimilarportents,who,likewisestumblingandsliding,causedhimtostumbleandslidethemoredistressingly.AtlengththisGilpiniantriumvirateeffectedahalt,and,lookingnorthward,wavedtheirthreerighthandsascommandingunseentroops,to‘Up,guards!andat’em.’Hereuponabrazenbandburstforth,whichcausedthemtobeinstantlyboltedwithtosomeremotespotofearthinthedirectionoftheSurreyHills.

Judgingfromtheseappearancesthataprocessionwasunderway,Ithrewupmywindow,and,craningout,hadthesatisfactionofbeholdingitadvancingalongthestreets.ItwasaTeetotalprocession,asIlearntfromitsbanners,andwaslongenoughtoconsumetwentyminutesinpassing.Therewereagreatnumberofchildreninit,someofthemsoveryyoungintheirmothers’armsastobeintheactofpracticallyexemplifyingtheirabstinencefromfermentedliquors,andattachmenttoanunintoxicatingdrink,whiletheprocessiondefiled.Thedisplaywas,onthewhole,pleasanttosee,asanygood-humouredholidayassemblageofclean,cheerful,andwell-conductedpeopleshouldbe.Itwasbrightwithribbons,tinsel,andshoulder-belts,andaboundedinflowers,asifthoselattertrophieshadcomeupinprofusionundermuchwatering.Thedaybeingbreezy,theinsubordinationofthelargebannerswasveryreprehensible.Eachofthesebeingbornealoftontwopolesandstayedwithsomehalf-dozenlines,wascarried,aspolitebooksinthelastcenturyusedtobewritten,by‘varioushands,’andtheanxietyexpressedintheupturnedfacesofthoseofficers,—somethingbetweentheanxietyattendantonthebalancingart,andthatinseparablefromthepastimeofkite-flying,withatouchofthe

angler’squalityinlandinghisscalyprey,—muchimpressedme.Suddenly,too,abannerwouldshiverinthewind,andgoaboutinthemostinconvenientmanner.Thisalwayshappenedoftenestwithsuchgorgeousstandardsasthoserepresentingagentlemaninblack,corpulentwithteaandwater,inthelaudableactofsummarilyreformingafamily,feebleandpinchedwithbeer.Thegentlemaninblackdistendedbywindwouldthenconducthimselfwiththemostunbecominglevity,whilethebeeryfamily,growingbeerier,wouldfranticallytrytotearthemselvesawayfromhisministration.Someoftheinscriptionsaccompanyingthebannerswereofahighlydeterminedcharacter,as‘Wenever,neverwillgiveupthetemperancecause,’withsimilarsoundresolutionsrathersuggestivetotheprofanemindofMrs.Micawber’s‘IneverwilldesertMr.Micawber,’andofMr.Micawber’sretort,‘Really,mydear,Iamnotawarethatyouwereeverrequiredbyanyhumanbeingtodoanythingofthesort.’

Atintervals,agloomwouldfallonthepassingmembersoftheprocession,forwhichIwasatfirstunabletoaccount.ButthisIdiscovered,afteralittleobservation,tobeoccasionedbythecomingonoftheexecutioners,—theterribleofficialbeingswhoweretomakethespeechesby-and-by,—whoweredistributedinopencarriagesatvariouspointsofthecavalcade.Adarkcloudandasensationofdampness,asfrommanywetblankets,invariablyprecededtherollingonofthedreadfulcarscontainingtheseheadsmen;andInoticedthatthewretchedpeoplewhocloselyfollowedthem,andwhowereinamannerforcedtocontemplatetheirfoldedarms,complacentcountenances,andthreateninglips,weremoreovershadowedbythecloudanddampthanthoseinfront.Indeed,Iperceivedinsomeofthesesomoodyanimplacabilitytowardsthemagnatesofthescaffold,andsoplainadesiretotearthemlimbfromlimb,thatIwouldrespectfullysuggesttothemanagerstheexpediencyofconveyingtheexecutionerstothesceneoftheirdismallaboursbyunfrequentedways,andinclosely-tiltedcarts,nextWhitsuntide.

Theprocessionwascomposedofaseriesofsmallerprocessions,whichhadcometogether,eachfromitsownmetropolitandistrict.AninfusionofallegorybecameperceptiblewhenpatrioticPeckhamadvanced.SoIjudged,fromthecircumstanceofPeckham’sunfurlingasilkenbannerthatfannedheavenandearthwiththewords,‘ThePeckhamLifeboat.’Noboatbeinginattendance,thoughlife,inthelikenessof‘agallant,gallantcrew,’innauticaluniform,followedtheflag,IwasledtomeditateonthefactthatPeckhamisdescribedbygeographersasaninlandsettlement,withnolargerornearershore-linethanthetowing-pathoftheSurreyCanal,onwhichstormystationIhadbeengiventounderstandnolifeboatexists.ThusIdeducedanallegoricalmeaning,andcametotheconclusion,thatifpatrioticPeckhampickedapeckofpickledpoetry,thiswasthepeckofpickledpoetrywhichpatrioticPeckhampicked.

Ihaveobservedthattheaggregateprocessionwasonthewholepleasanttosee.Imadeuseofthatqualifiedexpressionwithadirectmeaning,whichIwillnowexplain.Itinvolvesthetitleofthispaper,andalittlefairtryingofteetotalismbyitsowntests.Thereweremanypeopleonfoot,andmanypeopleinvehiclesofvariouskinds.Theformerwerepleasanttosee,andthelatterwerenotpleasanttosee;forthereasonthatInever,onanyoccasionorunderanycircumstances,havebeheldheavieroverloadingofhorsesthaninthispublicshow.Unlesstheimpositionofagreatvanladenwithfromtentotwentypeopleonasinglehorsebeamoderatetaskingofthepoorcreature,thenthetemperateuseofhorseswasimmoderateandcruel.Fromthesmallestandlightesthorsetothelargest

andheaviest,thereweremanyinstancesinwhichthebeastofburdenwassoshamefullyoverladen,thattheSocietyforthePreventionofCrueltytoAnimalshavefrequentlyinterposedinlessgrosscases.

Now,Ihavealwaysheldthattheremaybe,andthatthereunquestionablyis,suchathingasusewithoutabuse,andthatthereforethetotalabolitionistsareirrationalandwrong-headed.Buttheprocessioncompletelyconvertedme.Forsolargeanumberofthepeopleusingdraught-horsesinitweresoclearlyunabletousethemwithoutabusingthem,thatIperceivedtotalabstinencefromhorsefleshtobetheonlyremedyofwhichthecaseadmitted.Asitisallonetoteetotalerswhetheryoutakehalfapintofbeerorhalfagallon,soitwasalloneherewhetherthebeastofburdenwereaponyoracart-horse.Indeed,mycasehadthespecialstrengththatthehalf-pintquadrupedunderwentasmuchsufferingasthehalf-gallonquadruped.Moral:totalabstinencefromhorsefleshthroughthewholelengthandbreadthofthescale.Thispledgewillbeincourseofadministrationtoallteetotalprocessionists,notpedestrians,atthepublishingofficeof‘AlltheYearRound,’onthe1stdayofApril,1870.

Observeapointforconsideration.Thisprocessioncomprisedmanypersonsintheirgigs,broughams,tax-carts,barouches,chaises,andwhatnot,whoweremercifultothedumbbeaststhatdrewthem,anddidnotoverchargetheirstrength.Whatistobedonewiththoseunoffendingpersons?Iwillnotrunamuckandvilifyanddefamethem,asteetotaltractsandplatformswouldmostassuredlydo,ifthequestionwereoneofdrinkinginsteadofdriving:Imerelyaskwhatistobedonewiththem!Thereplyadmitsofnodisputewhatever.Manifestly,instrictaccordancewithteetotaldoctrines,THEYmustcomeintoo,andtakethetotalabstinencefromhorsefleshpledge.Itisnotpretendedthatthosemembersoftheprocessionmisusedcertainauxiliarieswhichinmostcountriesandallageshavebeenbestoweduponmanforhisuse,butitisundeniablethatothermembersoftheprocessiondid.Teetotalmathematicsdemonstratethatthelessincludesthegreater;thattheguiltyincludetheinnocent,theblindtheseeing,thedeafthehearing,thedumbthespeaking,thedrunkenthesober.Ifanyofthemoderateusersofdraught-cattleinquestionshoulddeemthatthereisanygentleviolencedonetotheirreasonbytheseelementsoflogic,theyareinvitedtocomeoutoftheprocessionnextWhitsuntide,andlookatitfrommywindow.

FOOTNOTES.

[188]AfterthisUncommercialJourneywasprinted,IhappenedtomentiontheexperienceitdescribestoLordHoughton.Thatgentlemanthenshowedmeanarticleofhiswriting,inTheEdinburghReviewforJanuary,1862,whichishighlyremarkableforitsphilosophicalandliteraryresearchconcerningtheseLatter-DaySaints.Ifindinitthefollowingsentences:—‘TheSelectCommitteeoftheHouseofCommonsonemigrantshipsfor1854summonedtheMormonagentandpassenger-brokerbeforeit,andcametotheconclusionthatnoshipsundertheprovisionsofthe“PassengersAct”couldbedependeduponforcomfortandsecurityinthesamedegreeasthoseunderhisadministration.TheMormonshipisaFamilyunderstrongandaccepteddiscipline,witheveryprovisionforcomfort,decorumandinternalpeace.’