CORD WEEKLY

[ Volume 30, Number 14 |Wilfrid Laurier UniversityThursday November 30, 1989.

THE: WHITE COVER: void of all sexist, homophobic, heterosexist,offensive, racist, (oh, and creative) material. Have a merry Christ-mas. J

CORDWEEKLYNOVEMBER 30, 1989

j V OLUME 30, NUMBER 14EDITOR-IN-CHIEF...Chris Slarkey

j NEWS EDlTOR...Jonathan StoverASSOCIATE NEWS EDlTOR...vacant

NEWS CONTRIBUTORSKevin Vaughn, Angela Baker, Cathy Merriman, Mark Hand,

Bill Needle, Debra Sheehan* * *

COMMENT PAGES CONTRIBUTORSJ.R. Artinger, Harvey Luong, Karen Burke, Sieve Burke,

Lynda A. Faret -T- -r-

FEATURES EDlTOR...Elizabeth Chen

FEATURES CONTRIBUTORSMarie Molloy

* * *

"SCENE" EDITOR...Tony Burke"SCENE" CONTRIBUTORS

Steve Burke, Feizal Valli, Tom Szeibel,J. Tyler Leatherland, Jana Watson

* * *

SPORTS EDITOR...Brian Owen

SPORTS CONTRIBUTORSChrisDodd

* * *

PRODUCTION MANAGER...Jana WatsonPRODUCTION ASSISTANTS

Karen Burke, Andrea Nasello, Christine Yarwood* * *

SYSTEMS TECHNICIAN...vacantCOPY EDITORS

Robin Sutherland, vacantCIRCULATION AND FILING MANAGER...Roxanne Chartrand

* * *

PHOTO MANAGER...Liza SardiPHOTO TECHNICIAN...Patrick J. Mitchell

GRAPHIC ARTS...Tom Sziebel

PHOTO CONTRIBUTORSPatrick J. Mitchell, J. Tyler Leatherland, Harvey Luong,

Steve Burke* * *

ADVERTISING MANAGER...Frank ReillyADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVES

Rose Belvedere, Marlie Yoshiki, Martin Walker,Kelly Wilkinson, Eric Gregory

CLASSIFIEDS CO-ORDINATOR...Anoushka BotejuAD PRODUCTION MANAGER...Brad JandrewAD PRODUCTION ASSISTANT...Tanya Reitzel

NATIONAL ADVERTISING Campus Plus(416)481-7283

BOARD OF PUBLICATIONSPRESIDENT...Mark Hand

DIRECTORSBill Casey, Frances McAneney, Annie Quong, Al Strathdee,

Neville Blair, Tony Burke, vacantThe Cord Weekly welcomes all comments, criticisms and suggestions from its readers. Letters tothe Editor must be typed, double spaced and submitted by Tuesday at 12:00 noon for the followingpublication. All letters must bear the author's full name, telephone and student number, but namesmay be withheld upon request. Letters must not exceed 400 words in length and are edited forlength only. The Cord Weekly reserves the right to refuse any submission, and all submissions be-come the property ofThe Cord Weekly.

Eight month, 24-issue Cord Weekly subscription rates are: $20.00 for addresses within Cana-da and $25.00 outside the country. Co-op students may subscribe at the rate of $10.00 per fourmonth work term.

The Cord Weekly offices are located on the 2nd Floor of the Dan Dawson Draughtiess,Nacholess, Popcomless, and Every Popular Beerless Detox Centre at Wilfrid Lauiier University(tel. 884-2990). The Cord Weekly is printed at Rictcr Web Press in beautiful Brantford, Ontario,home of great Canadian women Becky McCormick and Janet Jones.

The Cord Weekly is published weekly during the fall and winter academic terms. Editorialopinions are approved by the editorial board and are independent of the University, the StudentUnion, and Student Publications. The Cord Weekly is a comatose member of the Canadian Uni-versity Press.

Copyright © 1989 by WLU Student Publications, Waterloo, Ontario. N2L 3C5. No part ofthis publication may be reproduced without the permission of the Editor-in-Chief.

The Cord Weekly2Thursday November 30, 1989. —■

• A strong beginning to your future in man- •An opportunity to specialize: ;Xagement * Accounting * Finance * Organizational $:

Behavior/Human Resource Management :$* Management Science/Information Systems £:

...... x* Marketing * Policy Analysis ::: :For detailed information write to: j:|:

**NOTICE**Office of the Registrar November, 1989

Watch for thenew seating arrangement

for final examinationsin the Athletic Complex and

Theatre Auditorium !

Please read the signscarefully

before enteringthe examination room

An example is shown below.

WILFRID LAURIER UNIVERSITYSEATING ARRANGEMENT - T.A.

FINAL EXAMINATION PERIOD #2 - Dec 7 (Thur) 02:00 p.m.

COURSE LENGTH ROW SEATS

CLAS 101/HUM 151 A 2 hrs. C,E,G,I ALLK 1-2

GEOGRAPHY 220 1 1/2 hrs. B,D ALLF 1-11

GERMAN 353 1 1/2 lus. A 1-6Business Terms Dictionary

HISTORY 217/267 2 1/2 hrs. H ALLJ 1-12 i

The NEWSRecycling comingto WLU campusANGELA BAKER Cord Weekly

"<Bufi-bufi-buf-bufi-bye,, bub-bufi-Sufi-bufi-bufi-bye! -

'Paufa Abdul

Jonathan MichaelStover, 9{ews 'Editor'Babe 'Jyiitfh Associate 9{s.vjs Editor

Students at Wilfrid Laurier University will finally be able to par-ticipate in an on-campus recycling program

Members of the WLU administration, the Student Union and fac-ulty make up the new 'Recycling Committee.' The committee hascome up with feasible proposals for a program that we should seecommence sometime in the new year.

Wes Robinson, Director of Physical Plant and Planning at WLU,has put together a proposed program for the recycling of 'fine' papers- non-newsprint material — and is awaiting final consent from thecommittee. Robinson said he is confident that he will get that ap-proval within the next few weeks.

This part of the recycling program would see bins put in every of-fice on campus, to be filled with the correct kinds of used paper.

Robinson has also allocated storage space for recyclable materialsthat WLUSU will be collecting. A proposal for a pilot recycling pro-ject has been drawn up by Heidi Kostcnbauer, chairperson of therecycling committee working out of WLUSU.

This proposal would initiate a recycling program for materialssuch as cans, botUes and newsprint. These materials would be col-lected from bins in the Campus Centre, the Torque Room and ClaraConrad Hall on a regular basis by volunteers, and stored in a garageat 26 Bricker Street. Kostenbauer has also suggested in her proposalthat WLUSU hire a truck-owner to transport the recyclable materialsfrom storage to the recycling company. Tri-tech, the recycling com-pany, will not come on campus to pick up the material.

The transportation factor is one problem that WLUSU and the ad-ministration have had to deal with. Another is that faculty membershave expressed concerns in dealing with confidentiality in respect toexamination papers. This may be dealt with by the purchase of shred-ding machines by the university.

The money for this will come from various sources. WLU willundergo start-up costs, but the program should turn out to be a finan-cial investment in the long term, as there should be a substantialdecrease in the amount of waste material that the university will haveto dispose of. WLUSU will have the possibility of provincial andregional grants at their wherewithal to cover some of its costs.

Pilot projects have been initialed by Heidi Kostenbauer, and alsoby the Psychology and Religion and Culture departments and by theCord Weekly on campus; they rely on staff and student volunteers topick up the recyclable materials from various bins.

Stuart Lewis, WLUSU Vice-president: University Affairs, saidthat one reason a recycling program has taken so long to implement isthat it has to be done correctly. "If the program is not running well,people won't participate. We have to make it easy for them."

Both Lewis and Wes Robinson said that the most important factorwith recycling is that students must be educated about the program inorder to make it work. This would involve knowing what products arerecyclable. A promotional program will presumably be up toWLUSU to design and distribute.

Look, this picture really reminded the news editor of the 1980s for some reason. Maybe it's the sadlittle cup of coffee, maybe the withered roses, possibly the stained mattress — what better symbol ofthe 1980s then a stained mattress, we ask? -- but whatever it was, we suggest you look at this pic-ture long and hard. And if tears could only come, they would. (J. Hamish Waffleiron photo)

MP McLean visits Laurier UN clubKEVIN VAUGHANCord Weekly

November 22 saw Water-loo Member of ParliamentWalter McLean (PC) give aninformal address to the WilfridLaurier University United Na-tions Association (WLUUNA)and other interested persons.The address was announcedon short notice due to thetentative arrangements andMcLean's active schedule.

A small but vocal factionof ten students listened intent-ly to the remarks of Canada'sRepresentative to the Plenaryof the 44th Session of theUnited Nations General As-sembly.

After introductions andsmall talk, McLean providedthose in attendance with

pertinent documents concern-ing Namibia, Southern Africa,Apartheid and the effective-ness of sanctions againstSouth Africa. Included wereMcLean's speaking notes fromhis addresses on aparthied tothe General Assembly in NewYork, November 9, 1989.

McLean offered an over-view of the U.N. supervisor ofthe Namibian elections, aswell as some insight into theimpact of East Bloc reformson the effectiveness of theU.N. Those present weretreated to an intriguing ac-count of the developmentsregarding the Namibian elec-tion and the factions involved.

Canada's contributionswere duly noted, and a fewquestions were entertained

regarding the reorganization ofSWAPO and the vote countingstrategies in Namibia. Thetwo-and-a-half hour "meeting"adjourned with a few conclud-ing remarks and encourage-ment from McLean.

Incidentally, for those whomay not know, a reorganizedSWAPO won the majority ofseats in the election. However,a two-third majority whichwould have given them soleauthority to design a NamibianConstitution was not achieved.

In order for such an undertak-ing to proceed, a coalitionmust now be formed.

If interest permits, McLeanwill be requested to return fora second engagement nextterm.

What's up in the new year in news for whatever percentage of you out therewho actually read it? Well, I'm toying with the idea of a weekly national-international news roundup column -- I've been told by a couple of peoplethat they don't keep up on 'real' news anymore, and wouldn't mind some-thing like this. A cross-country campus news column might also be nice.Truth to tell, while I've been surprised beyond belief at the number ofwriters who've come out, the section still wants more. Believe it or not, newswriting can be the best practice in writing you'll ever get...but I'm grovell-ing. Also, knock wood, we'll have a spanking new Associate News Editorcoine January. Anyway, drive safely and if you're going to drink a lot, besure to invite me.

3 November 30, 1989

bill needle

bill needle's BiorhythmI'm really sorry for all the

things I've said in this columnover the past ten weeks. I don'tknow what came over me. It'ssort of like that Star Trek episodewhere Captain Kirk gets replacedby his evil twin. Bad. Really bad.Not nice.

It's so hard when you sitdown at the keyboard to think ofthings to write. Really hard. Andevery time I wrote something, itwas like something weird washappening. Scary. Like taking apoop out of my fingertips.

Oh. I've done it again. I'msorry if that offended anyone outthere. And if it threatened theright to life and liberty of some-one out there who just happens topoop out of their fingers, I didn'tmean to. Please. Please stop writ-ing those nasty letters. And thosenasty articles.

I'm sorry. Nothing should beoffensive. Nothing.

I know that nothing I wrotewas furtny in the least. I knowthat I seemed sexist and boorishand rude. I didn't mean to. I real-ly didn't. Please forgive me PeterElvy, Jennifer Rodgers, AnnaToth and all you other good folkout there who objected - andrightly so -- to what I wrote. Ireally am sorry. Really sorry. Sosorry.

Bill Needle's Biorhythm won't return next term...however, Billwill be back in a new column called 'Bill Needle's Happy Talk.'The title of the first column will be 'The Pros and Cons of Assas-sination.' See ya!

And I'm sorry some peopletried to hide me behind the facadeof satire. I know now that somethings -- sexism, nuclear war,overpopulation, necrophilia --

shouldn't be satirized. Andanyway, none of this was satire --

everything said in my columnwas serious. Dead serious.

Stuart Lewis, who is justabout the most neatest person inthe world, suggested to my editorthat I write about relevant topics,instead of about the stuff I'vewritten about. He believes that Icould be a positive force for goodif I learn how to master my evilheterosexist ways. So, what withChristmas coming up, I'm goingto try.

First off, I don't want anyoneout there to drink and drive thisChristmas or New Year's. If youget killed -- or God help us, kill abunch of innocents - well, thatwould be really bad. Really bad.So don't. It really is a bad thingto do. Not nice at all.

I also don't want you toneglect all the wonderful charitiesthat exist, and need your kindhelp this Christmas. The UnitedWay is really nice. So is the Sal-vation Army. And the SalvationArmy people know how to playmusical instruments, so it's al-most like buying a ticket to a rock

concert instead of giving to acharity. And they're really good,and they give money to lots ofneedy people. I hear the soup insoup kitchens is really good, too,which is nice, especially atChristmas.

And I want you to be kind toanimals this Christmas. Animalsare good. They don't hurt people,except for that elephant at the Af-rican Lion Safari that crushed thatguy, but that was just a fluke.Elephants are too nice to dothings like that on a regular basis.I know. I've read all those Babarbooks. Animals are good, andshould never be hurt. Never. Thatwould be bad.

Also, I want everyone outthere to be clear in everythingthey say and do. People some-times take offense at things thatyou say and write which were in-tended to suggest something else.I now know that this is not thefault of the reader and thelistener, but of the writer and thespeaker. I apologize becauseMartin Scorsese created JohnHinckley when he directed TaxiDriver, and because the faultwasn't in Ted Bundy, but in thepornography he read. I'm sorry.

If only people weren't sostupid and close-minded...butthat's an unchangeable. I realizenow that I must not offend, be-cause to be offended is bad.People should always be happy.That's the kind of world we need.A nice world. Really nice.

And for Heaven's sake, avoidsexist language and sexist ways. Iknow. I was sexist once. That wasbad. Really bad. So now I'mcareful to call manholes'personholes' and things like that.It's bad to be heterosexist, be-cause it makes you into a bad per-son. And people write nasty let-ters to you, and call you'Noodlehead,' and are reallymean and I'm sorry.

I was thinking about OneFlew Over the Cuckoo's Nest theother day, and how bad a movie itwas, because it made fun of crazypeople, and because Jack Nichol-son caused so much trouble in itfor Nurse Ratchet, who onlywanted the best thing for all thepatients.

Now it makes me happy,thinking about it, that JackNicholson was given a lobotomyin that movie, because he was badand made the patients uncomfort-able. What a happy movie. Veryhappy. Really nice. We needmore movies like that, where thebad people are lobotomized sothey can't think their badthoughts any more. That's aworld worth fighting for.

I know now. It is good to besimple and simple to be good.Very good. Very simple.

Very nice.

Dill Needle's column never in anyway reflects the opinions of anyoneon the Cord staff, WLUSP, WLUSU,John Weir or even the MormonTabernacle Choir. And he will be

'back next term, so stay tuned. Wewere thinking of getting Socrates in-stead, but he is dead.

The Cord Weekly4 Thursday November 30, 1989

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newsTemagami and the Innu:

Human rights abuses not foreign to CanadaCATHY MERRIMANNews Analysis

Many people consider Canadato be a shining example of a justsociety, a model for other nationswell-known as abusers of humanrights. Yet Canadian governmentshave an appalling record, past andpresent, of denial of justice to thenative peoples of this land.

Our governments on variouslevels retain the racist attitudes ofthe first Europeans who settledhere. Rather than viewing theoriginal inhabitants of this land aspossessing cultures worthy ofrespect and equality, it appearsthat our government sees nativesas a hindrance to progress andprofit-making.

Two examples of these atti-tudes have appeared in the newsrecently. In the Temagami

wilderness area, the Bear Islandnatives of the Teme-AugamaAnishnabai band have squared offagainst the government and log-ging companies. Each side claimsownership to an area containingimportant stands of old growthpine forest.

Each group is fighting for itsrights to carry out its business onthat land. For the natives, thismeans leading a fairly traditionalway of life based on hunting andtrapping, and having the legalright to administer land whichthey have inhabited for thousandsof years. For the logging com-panies, this means harvesting thevaluable lumber in the area,which they have occupied foronly a few decades.

Politically and economicallyspeaking, the cards are stacked

against the Teme-Augama Anish-nabai people. For years they havefought their court battles solelywith money donated by sup-porters. The province and the log-gers, in contrast, have the supportof taxpayers' money and agovernment ministry behindthem.

At present the Teme-AugamaAnishnabai have a land claim be-fore the courts. Earlier this fall,they requested an injunction tostop work on the extension of theRed Squirrel logging road, atleast until the question of owner-ship of this land is settled. Thecourt denied this request.

Robbed of legal power to stopwhat they consider trespass, thenatives were willing to risk theirbodies and their freedom to fightfor their rights. This month the

Ontario government requested,and was granted an injunctionagainst these blockades of thelogging road. This should havebeen surprising since the natives'request for an injunction had al-ready been turned down. But un-fortunately it was a predictable, ifoutrageous, move by the govern-ment.

The balance of political andeconomic power was already gro-tesquely in favour of the loggersand the government. Distortingthe balance of legal power as wellmade sense, in the twisted logicof our racist, colonialist govern-ment.

A second example of twistedgovernment logic calls an areathat is home to 10,000 people'uninhabited'. The wilds ofLabrador and central Quebechave been used by the govern-ments of Great Britain, the UnitedStates, the Netherlands and WestGermany as test ranges for bomb-ers and low-flying supersonicjets. The Innu natives have in-habited these areas for thousandsof years, leading peaceful, semi-nomadic lives. Throughout the1980's they have been protestingthe military actions allowed bythe Canadian government overNitassinan, as the Innu call theirhomeland.

Now, in 1989, the Canadiangovernment is proposing to builda NATO base in Goose Bay,Labrador. This would cause thelow-level flights over Nitassiananto increase from 8,000 per year to40,000 per year.

As happened to the natives ofTemagami, the Innu have beendenied their legal rights to chal-lenge the government actions.The government set up hearingsto determine the impacts of thelow-level flights, but would notallow the Innu to cross-examinetheir military 'experts'.

These 'experts' claim that theflights have no environmental orpsychological impact. The Innu,meanwhile, have independent ex-perts who are willing to testifythat there are in fact serious im-pacts, but they have been deniedadequate funding to hire them.This is not how a fair country isrun.

The problems that I havestated have nothing to do withwhich side is right. No matte,which side you agree with, it iclear that injustice is being pejpetuated by our governmem-against these native peoples. Thtwealthy, powerful side in eaci

The Cord Weekly5Thursday November 30, 1989.

Continued on Page 7

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Society fights against it:

Limestone quarries destroy Niagara escarpmentDEBRA SHEEHAN News Feature

How many times have youheard reports about environmen-tal degradation and the precariousstate of the Earth, and yetremained skeptical about the ex-tent of our plight? It's easy to dis-associate one"s self fromdeforestation in South America orfrom holes in the ozone layer.However, as resident of Miltonare well aware, environmentaldestruction is a local problem.

Milton, located betweenWaterloo and Toronto, is locatedon a portion of the Niagara es-carpment rich in wildlife,hardwood forests, exposed scarp-rock, historical sights and uniqueplant species. Seventeen monthsago concerned citizens from inand around Milton formed Keepthe Escarpment Environment Pro-tected (KEEP) after noticing ex-cavations being done on top ofthe Milton outlier. I learned fromone KEEP member, Dr. MathiasGuenther, a professor ofanthropology at WLU, aboutquarrying on the outlier and theharmful effects this has on the en-vironment.

Since 1969, Milton Limestonehas quarried on a portion of theoutlier, removing limestone —

about 85 feet in depth — anddestroying everything above-ground. Moreover, to keep thequarry dry they pump out the sub-terranean water, about 250,000imperial gallons daily. Thisspring a number of wells on the

outlier dried up. many have notyet recovered, and residents havebeen forced to get their waterfrom other sources. Many suspecttheir water problems are a resultof excessive quarrying.

In 1986 LAC Minerals Ltd.,owner of Milton Limestone, pur-chased an adjoining piece of land— 389 acres worth — with plans toquarry it as well. If they do so,the damage to the environmentcould be devastating.

In an attempt to prevent LACMinerals from quarrying thisland, KEEP has applied to theNiagara Escarpment Commission(NEC), a regulatory body incharge of conserving and preserv-ing the Niagara escarpment, foran amendment to the Niagara Es-carpment Plan (NEP).

The NEP specifies land desig-nations for the Niagara escarp-ment. Presently, much of theMilton outlier is designated'Escarpment Rural' - that is, fair-ly intensive farming and light in-dustry are permitted. However,KEEP wants to have the landredesignated to 'Escarpment Pro-tected' (light farming, residentialbuilding) and 'Escarpment Natu-ral' (no development). LACMinerals has also appealed tohave a large portion of the landredesignated - to 'Mineral Ex-traction', the most destructivedesignation.

To date KEEP has triumphedat every stage in the amendmentprocess. However, LAC has now

taken KEEP and the NEC to theSupreme Court of Canada, callingfor a judicial review into thebiased treatment it has received.Although the legal andbureaucratic details are quitecomplex, essentially LAC'sstrategy is to exhaust KEEP'sfinances, preventing continuedopposition to the destruction ofthe escarpment. Since environ-mental groups have little or noaccess to large amounts of fund-

ing, they are extremely suscep-tible to such tactics.

By acting before LAC to havethe land redesignated, rather thanreacting to a proposal by LAC,KEEP will, if successful, estab-lish a precedent for environmen-tal groups across Canada. How-ever, to continue to fight LACMinerals and to push for redesig-nation of the outlier, KEEP mustraise funds.

KEEP Christmas cards may

oe purchased in the WLU Book-store, as can posters. Sweatshirtsare also available, all designed byDr. Guenther and available fromhim at his office at 32 BrickerStreet.

The University of Waterloo issponsoring a day-long conferenceon the Niagara Escarpment Planon November 30 (today). For fur-ther information about this event,contact Environmental Studies atthe U of W, 885-1211 extension3621.

This is a sample of the artwork on the KEEP postcard. (Art by Mathias Guenther)

•news -

The Cord Weekly6Thursday November 30, 1989.

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conflict is well served by thelegal system, while the "un-derdogs" fight vainly to havetheir say, armed only withdetermination and donations.

Then again, maybe it doeshave something to do with who isright. Perhaps the governmentsare afraid to let the native peoplehave their say, to have their fairday in court. Because if this op-portunity were granted, perhapswe would see that public opinionwould support the natives anddemand that the governmentsback down from their profit-making plans.

We are facing a bleak en-vironmental future as we enterthe 1990'5, and our governmentshave at least these two op-portunities to show that they arewilling to act on rhetorical con-ccrns about the environment andnative rights. So far they havenot.

To live is to battle with trolls...

JONATHAN STOVERFrom the Editor's Desk

To live is to battle with trolls,In the caverns of heart and head.To write is to sit in judgment overone's self,As God does, judging the dead. -

Hcnrik Ibsen

It's past one o'clock Wednes-day morning as I sit writing this,and the newspaper is far fromdone. I think we'll be donearound six a.m. (knock wood),which means that most of us will,as on most production days, putin a 16-hour Tuesday.

I sometimes wonder why I dothis. The Cord cost me a $3200scholarship last year. I have three

essays due before the end of theterm. I'll get them done, but Iwon't spend as much time onthem as I'd like to.

But it's not something I dwellon too long, because I found outquite a while why I do this sort ofthing. In grade 10, actually, injunior football.

When you play any teamsport, eventually I think mostpeople come to lhe realizationthat you don't play for 'theschool' or 'the town.' The crowdwill delight in your victories, butthey'll drop you as soon as youlose.

What you play for, in thoserare instances when 'it' reallyhappens, is for the team, and for

yourself, and fur those few'outsiders' who actually do ap-preciate what you do. You areplaying for love — as Plato noted,armies fight a lot better on lovethen they do on fear - but it isn'treally a love of ideals. It's a loveof teammates, and of the team it-self, and of what can be accom-plished when you work together.

It's a selfish thing to say, butit is true -- there isn't a person upat the Cord who is doing this firstand foremost for 'Laurier,' or for'the student body.' If they did,they would be fools -- you putyour trust in people and, some-times, in ideals worth trusting in.Institutions will always let youdown -- it's the nature of the

beasts. People worth putting yourtrust in almost never do.

I do the paper because I lovenewspapers, and the people youfind around newspapers, and theresult when the paper finallycomes out on Thursday. There isan implicit responsibility in doingany newspaper that you'll doyour best to present both fact andopinion and all the fuzzy regionsin between, and that contract is inpart with the paper's constituency- but it's already signed inside ofyou if it lias any worth at all.

And you do it for everyonewho isn't afraid to let his or hervoice be heard. Words are power-ful, even in the hands of noviceslike myself, and so we write, be-

cause to do otherwise is moralcowardice of the worst sort. Ifyou're scared, in Canada 1989, tofind your voice, then it is time togrow up -- after all, you're notfacing the mortal danger whicheither Socrates or Solzhenitsynfaced.

And so, for the magic ofwords and of newspapers and offriendship and love, I sit here atone o'clock. And it is worth anynumber of honouraria, and all theheartache and pain it puts methrough sometimes.

Merry Christmas to all, and toall a good night.

Temagami,Innu flightsare unjust

Continued from Page 5

The Cord Weekly7Thursday November 30, 1989.-mzus-

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Feature

Survey Poll Shows

By Marie Molloy

Here's ihe results of the survey poll taken in theConcourse last week. 132 people completed thesurvey. People were asked to respond by indicatingtheir "Support For (YES)" or "Rejection of(NO)" the following visions. These visions werecompiled from the 6 interviews conducted for lastweek's feature article entitled, TransformingiMurier...CULTURE SHOCK From the Bottom-Up. Interviewee's visions were in response to thequestion

"How would Laurier's culturechange in a way that better reflectsyour vision of how you would like itto be?"

The visions appearing in the list below areranked in order of the highest percentage of "YES"responses from top to bottom.

VISIONS

1. A university that encourages involvement in ac-tivities and organizations outside the classroom.92% YES

2. Increased accessibility for disabled persons.90% YES

3. Planned architecture and improved aesthetics ofcommonly used spaces and environments oncampus. 88% YES

4. Increased emphasis on "Excellence in Teach-ing." 86% YES

5. A university community where maturity isdemonstrated by our ability to talk and listen andshare. 86% YES

6. Increased acceptance of and openness towardsthe discussion of values in relation to the press-ing issues of the day. 85% YES

7. A university that models respect for our environ-ment through the use of environmentally safeeating utensils and dishes. 84% YES

8. A university where people could instigatethought-provoking change without being dis-criminated against. 83% YES

9. Less "separation" between disciplines. 83% YES

10. Increased equality 82% YES

11. An increased understanding of Arts and Busi-ness students' feelings and common interests.82% YES

12. Increased participation and input into universitydecision-making processes. 82% YES

13. Student empowerment through active involve-ment. 80% YES

14. A university that makes time for culture.80% YES

15. A quality academic institution where allfaculties are equally represented and respectedby each other. 79% YES

16. An increased respect for individualism withoutlosing sight of our collective responsibilities.77% YES

17. A student newspaper that better reflects both theviews and opinions of the student population andthe constitutional requirements for memberpapers of the Canadian University Press.76% YES

18. More cultural activities. 72% YES

19. Less crude and more intelligent articles in theCord. 72% YES

20. Increased recognition and support of adult ma-ture students. 70% YES

21. Campus day care centre or services.63% YES

22. A required first or second year course that dealsin depth with issues such as the environment, thearms race, population, etc. 63% YES

23. Increased adult mature student enrollment.55% YES

24. The introduction of plants and dividers into theTorque Room 51% YES

25. Live classical music at noon in the Concourse.51% YES

26. An Adult/Mature Students Lounge 39% YES

There were a few criticisms, compliments andcomments in relation to this survey. Most notableamong the criticisms was the fact that some peoplepcrceived the wording of visions to be biasedtowards positive responses. Interestingly enough,that didn't stop people from circling "NO"responses or leaving the item unanswered. Also, itis curious to me that people would come up withthese "apple pie" visions, if, in fact, they felt theseconditions already existed at Laurier. If they do ex-ist, then maybe most of us need enlightenment.

I found the reactions to Bill Needle's columnthought-provoking. The issue is very polarized. Themajority find the column offensive. Others believethat in allowing this form of free expression, we areproviding a forum for open debate and reaction andthat's what the medium is all about. In light of thisbelief, I will use this opportunity to put my twocents in. If those who support the Bill Needlecolumn can convince me that all people are ra-tional, that all people are responsible, that allpeople are independent thinkers, that all people aremature and caring and objective enough to interprethis comments as coming from a "sicko" rather thanas a "role m0de1"...1 will change my opinion.

In relation to the vision for a Campus Day CareCentre or services. Did you know that Laurier isthe only university in Ontario that has no sucharrangement? (Ontario Universities Benefits Sur-vey, Part 1,1988-89)

Finally, thanks to all who participated in thesurvey. To those who are actively organizing anddialoguing about change, remember that we live ina democracy. And, although at times it may feellike a dictatorship, the reality is that "If we lead,eventually, our leaders will follow."

The Cord Weekly9Thursday November 30,1989.

IS) RTHURSDAY

PARTY NIQHTS™—

SHOW YOURS AND SAVE

255 KING STREET WEST. THE KING CENTRE, KITCHENER • TEL.: 576-7750

THE CORD WEEKLY

86 the 80sThe eighties began enshrouded in a thick fog of pessimism

after the world barely survived the disco era. What will thecoming decade offer us, the world asked.

Little did we know that the decade would bring giant leapsin global, national and local issues. But are they all good?

The Challenger explosion proved to us all how, despite ourattempts to break free from our earth-bom heritage and journeyto the stars, we are still mortal after all. The death of a civilianschool-teacher reminded us that all voyages are dangerous, andoften exact tolls which we may at first be afraid to pay.

People such as John Lennon and OlafPalme showed us thatstanding up for peace can make one even more vulnerable tothose forces. Ironically, one of the least-peaceful leaders wasshot (Ronald Reagan), but lived.

AIDS, the so-dubbed "Disease of the 80's", has brought gayrights to the forefront, but the powers-that-be were not movedto serious action until it became an ailment of "normal" people.

The Chernobyl and Bhopal disasters made us feel uneasyabout the technology we have harnessed, and aware of the un-limited power we possess to create and to destroy.

The division between East and West conditionally closed bythe end of the decade. "The Wall Must Go" and Perestroika be-came symbols for both combatants in the Cold War, with theseeming crumbling of communist regimes in most EasternEuropean countries indicative of the ever-decreasing gap. It hasbeen four-and-one-half decades since a world war.

At home, the patriation of our Constitution was easily themost significant positive event. Since then, Brian Mulroney(who looked to be the saviour rising from the depths of im-potent leaders such as Turner and Clark) has given us more -

more PCB dumps, more taxes, more American cultural andeconomic threats, more patronage, more political corruption atthe highest levels.

It suddenly became stylish to be an environmentalist.Provincial and federal leaders made small moves toward solv-ing environmental problems - some were for show, othershave already shown tangible results. Whether we'll all be deadbefore we have the chance to see if the cautious reformers didenough is still up for debate.

It was the "Conspicuous Consumption" generation. Yup-pies. New Coke. VCRs. Dry beer. Oat Bran. Jeopardy.Flavoured water. Scented Kleenex.

And what about those musical martyrs who donated theirvast talents to the poor, diseased, starving, dying and destitute- driving to benefit concerts in their limosines, Phil CollinsHying across the Atlantic in a chartered Concorde to be at bothLive Aid concerts. What a nice, generous, swell bunch ofpeople. They sang a song to make the world feel better.

Expression through the written word became hazardous, butthis time for 'liberal' reasons - but it boiled down to the sameends as Stalin and Hitler and Bismarck and von Metternichworked towards, the suppression of free speech to protect'society' from its detractors and loose screws. Think of Zundl,Rushton, Rushdie...Needle?

The 1980s. We're better for having met you, but next timedon't stay so long, okay?

Editorial opinions are approved by The Cord Weekly Editorial Board on behalf ofCord staff and are independent of the University, the Students' Union and the StudentPublications Board of Directors.

EDITORIAL BOARD

Chris Starkey, Editor-in-ChiefJana Watson, Production Manager Jonathan Stover, News EditorElizabeth Chen, Features Editor Babe Ruth, Associate News EditorBrian Owen, Sports Editor Tony Burke, Scene Editor

The Cord Weekly is published during the fall and winter academic terms. Offices arelocated on the Second Floor of the Dan Dawson Draughtless, Nacholess, Popcomless,and every popular beer-less Detox Centre at Wilfrid Laurier University, 75 UniversityAve. W., Waterloo (519) 884-2990. The Cord Weekly is a tired, unkempt member ofCanadian University Press and the Ontario Community Newspaper Association.Copyright 1989, WLU Student Publications. No part of The Cord Weekly may bereproduced without the permission of the Editor-in -Chief.

Letters

to theEditor

Smokers go to LibraryTO THE EDITOR:

I am not a smoker but I do be-lieve that smokers have somerights. However, the right they donot have is to infringe on myhealth or well-being.

The TV Lounge, to which thenew WLUSU smoking policy isessentially directed has become asmoking pit. That lounge wasoriginally designed as a place forstudents to go and relax andwatch TV. Over time the TVLounge has become a smokinglounge. Every other area of theschool is already smoke-free andthere is no reason why the Stu-dents' Union Building should notbe as well. During the summer, aswell as during the school year toa lesser extent, the TV Loungehas become a smoking haven forstaff and faculty. This lounge isnot intended for them, it is for thestudents.

As for the comments regard-ing WLUSU attempting to simplypromote more drinking in Wilfs,this is absurd. The Students'Union needs to make moremoney to survive (Wilfs lost$8,000 last year for those whodon't know) and this is the reasonfor the changes in atmosphereand marketing for Wilf's. If you

simply want a quiet place to writea letter or do homework, I hearthe Library is a warm, quiet placeto go.

While WLUSU is notrepresenting the interests of allstudents in this measure we aretrying to do what is responsibleand safe for all. It is too bad thatwe aren't able to please everyonewith the smoking policy, but theinterests of the vast majority arerepresented.

JeffWaltersExecutive Vice-PresidentWLUSU

Leave Bill aloneDEAR EDITOR:

I'd like to commend all themoral crusaders who have comeforth on their white horses toclash rhetorical swords with the"Bill Needle" monster. How canyou people admit, on the onehand, that if you find the columnoffensive, you can choose to ig-nore it, yet on the other hand, youwant the column out of the paperin order to protect others from itscorrupt ways? If you spend halfof the time attacking the issuesthat "Your Biorhythm" is ad-dressing as you do on your BillNeedle witch hunt, your hungerfor self-importance may soon besatiated. Laurier needs you.Society needs you. Please save usfrom ourselves.

Steve Burke

Make up your own mindabout offensive articlesDEAR EDITOR:

I come from a middle classfamily, have a good sense ofworldly knowledge and I think ofmyself as being fairly stable, notnaive to the world.

My mother has beenemployed in a leading Americanhospital for the past 30 years inthe research department. Shecomes home from work everydaytelling us of the new develop-ments in Cancer research. Nowaccording to new discoveries,scientists have concluded thatwhat we eat causes cancer. Sonow their concerns will be how todeal with world wide starvation.

Here at Laurier, we eat whatever we want, who's decision is itin the final say anyway!, we eatwhat we want to. So, I guess itsall up to us as individuals. It's ourchoice.

Sexism at school have be-come an issue, we all have ourown opinions as to what is orwhat isn't. You can read whatever you want, nobody forces youto read, or look at what you deemoffensive to everyone. Let every-

one make the decision them-selves.

If individuals can make astand as to what they think is of-fensive, what about Picasso,Stravinsky and Joyce. They werepioneers in their era of life — theirbrilliance appreciated too late intheir lifetimes because they wereoffensive. Why should we workso hard to find out we may be of-fensive?

A new tee-shirt is out, itreads,"UP-YOURS Western!!Being offensive to Western,Don't print it!!or "Gryphonssuck", is offensive to Guelph.Now these comments don't justdeal with the schools, but alsotheir respective communities.We've now hurt the feelings ofthousands of people. Am I gettingridiculous enough for you. So isthis issue.

I came to Laurier to learn, myeyes, ears open, hands willing tolearn. I believe we all will leave,hands lied, blindfolded and deafto the world.

Pat MitchellHonours Music

The Cord Weekly10Thursday November 30, 1989.

Christmas Lester-styleDEAR EDITOR:

Enough of the Panty Raid,enough of Bill Needle (we usedto think you were funny, nowyou're boring), and enough of allthe b.s. over sexism on campus,its almost December and thatmeans Christmas is coming, sowe at 307 Lester thought it wouldbe a good idea to get in the spirit.

Did you ever wonder what itwould be like if Christmas werejust another day? You know, youwoke up in the morning andwalked downstairs to grab a bowlof soggy Shreddies instead ofrunning downstairs to see a stock-

ing stuffed with goodies. Can youeven imagine going throughchildhood and never experiencethe wonder and excitement ofChristmas morning? We weretrying to comprehend what ourchildhoods would have been likewithout Christmas morning as westrolled by the First Year Coun-cil's Toy Drive boxes in theS.U.B.

For all our bitching about howlittle money we have as univer-sity students, we can always finda way to but that extra draught orBig Mac. It's hard enough some-times providing for yourself butwhat are you going to tell yourkid when you can't afford to buyhim/her even one gift for Christ-mas. This is the situation facingmany people in the K-W area.

So anyway, we'll get straightto the point. We've decided todonate fifteen bucks a piecetowards buying toys for kids. Weknow that there are a lot ofhouses out there that could do thesame thing. Let's show K-Wwhat Christmas spirit is all about.It only takes a little to mean a lot.

You can leave your donationsin the WLUSU offices, donatecanned goods to local food banksand toys to the FYC Toy DriveBoxes in the S.U.B. Don't letChristmas be just another day inthe life of a kid! Give today!

Merry Christmas!

The Boys of 307 Lester StreetEldon, Jeff, Scott, John, Blake,Doug, Pete

Bring on the AtriumDEAR EDITOR:

I am writing in response to thearticle on the Atrium. Obviouslyseveral guidelines have beenbreached by the Atrium staff andMr. Hodge, but what I feel impor-tant is the idea behind the Atriumand not the incarceration of Mr.Hodge. I think the purpose of theAtrium is to inform its readers ofbusiness related events and theireffects on life as we know it. Thewhole paper would be businessorientated. The Cord tries to ser-vice the entire student populationwhile the Atrium would provideinformation to a specific group ofstaff and students. The Cord isunable to effectively cover busi-ness events because of its broadfocus. Also the Cord's trackrecord is very poor. The coverageof business events and guestspeakers at the school has beenpathetic.

The Cord, in my opinion, isnot serious enough for a businesssection. It seems as if the Cordoverrates themselves. They couldnot produce the quality productand professional image muchneeded by a paper. It's time for achange. Most of the other busi-ness school's have their ownbusiness journal, why not here atLaurier. I feel the Atrium will ful-fill a need at Laurier for a busi-ness oriented newspaper. I alsohope the advertising issue beresolved. I also encourage the ef-forts of Mr. Hodge. Maybe some-day we will get a messagethrough the bureaucratic systemwithout getting stuck on tech-nicalities.

Jack TJ Smit

Bill needs counsellingDEAR EDITOR

I'm not sure why I'm giving"Bill Needle" the satisfaction of areaction but the time is over forignoring shabby journalism andobnoxious mentality. I'm not aprude or repressed; I've toldsome reasonably foul jokes whenunder the influence, and I've gota sense of humour. But that's ex-actly what "Bill Needle's"column is lacking. It's not funny.Call me crazy but I don't find aquarter-page report on kitchenprophylactics amusing.

It's just not normal to discussthe joys of fuzzy seat covers and

ejaculation in a public forum. Theman needs counselling.

I think we are all aware ofwhere the male genitalia reside. Idon't need an update on itswhereabouts or activities. Un-fortunately, someone mistakenlyconvinced "Bill Needle" that hisopinions were worth writingdown. It's too bad that his onlysource of inspiration andcreativity lies dormant with theorgans he writes so fondly about.His column is useless.

Kim Waller3rd Year English

Criminal charges to facevandals, thieves: DACDEAR EDITOR:

Over the past couple ofmonths there has been an un-usually high number of incidentsinvolving vandalism and pettytheft on campus. There arebroken windows, furniture stolenfrom campus, coats, books andother personal items being takenfrom public areas, and, in general,a total lack ofregard for the prop-erty of others. The Dean's Ad-visory Council is dealing regu-larly with these problems and wewould like to announce to the stu-

dent body at large that this hasbecome a very serious concern.To date, we have tried to handlethese problems internally andavoid criminal charges. However,we feel that we are perhaps notdoing enough to deter these inci-dents and will, in the future, al-low criminal charges to be placedagainst students where it is ap-propriate. This is certainly a lastresort on our part but the prob-lems are accelerating beyond ourcontrol and they must be stopped.

Fred Nicholsthe university blues by Kevin Matchstick

Questionof the Week

By Karen Burke and Harvey Leung

a. What significant event happened in the 80's?b. What significant event happened to you in the 80's?

a. Paul Dawson graduates inthis decade.b. Fish & Chip coupons fromthe Duke of Wellington.

Steve & DaveSociety to Protect Paul Dawson

a. The Hawk beat me in airhockey once.b. The Hawk got a date.

Terry H. & Dirk H.3rd Year Bus & Phys. Ed

a. The 49er's won 3 super-bowls.b. My dog died?

Sue Carlson4th Year Econ

a. I lost his virginity.b. And he lost mine.

Brad Moore & Mark Malowski4th Year Honours Greco-RomanSports

a. Legalized abortion.b. Legalized abortion.

Henry, Morgen, & Taler4th Year Immigrant Studies

a. Michael Wilson introducesG. S. T.b. My new econo-metrics profcan't speak English.

Rod Tarajos3rd year Hons. Econ

The Cord Weekly11Thursday November 30, 1989.

The Cord Weekly Page 12 Thursday November 30, 1989. --------------------------------------------

At least give us windows DEAR EDITOR:

I agree that non-smokers have rights. When I am with someone who does not smoke, I ask if they would mind if I light up. I believe I should receive the same consid­eration from non-smokers when they enter one of the limited areas of smoking environments on campus. Why is it then, that last week at Wilfs my rights were imposed upon by a non-smoker?

A non-smoker chose to sit with an open window because she found the smoke irritating. When I politely asked her to close it, she refused, stating that she had a right to be there and after direct­ing her attention to the non­smoking section, she became bitchy and refused to move. As a result, others had to suffer in the cold because she imposed her rights over everyone's.

There are many places for non-smokers to sit by a window on campus. Wilf's is soon to be the only place available for smokers to socialize, eat, drink or read, while they smoke. I would think it would be reasonable to al­low us a place to be without being made to feel as second class citizens stripped of our rights.

Cathy Kelly

Culture survey needed pros TO THE EDITOR OF THE CORD:

In regards to the questionnaire that your organization put out last week, I found a major flaw in your surveying techniques. That problem was the questions you asked.

Both Dr. Stewart and myself noticed that the questions you asked were either biased in na­ture, trying to influence the reply given by all respondents, or they were asking two separate ques­tions at the same time.

For example, one of your

questions is similar to asking the following:

Do I turn left or right on King to get to McDonald's? (Yes or No)

As you can see, by replying Yes or No, one would not be able to answer the question properly.

I think you should consult such professors as Dr. Marr, As­sociate Dean of Graduate Studies, who teaches students not to con­duct biased or misleading surveys in his Economics 280 class, or Dr. Stewart, who so aptly pointed out the survey's flaws, before conducting any further surveys or before publishing the results of this last survey.

Nonetheless, I commend you for trying to improve Wilfrid Laurier University as a whole, ensuring it can become steeped in tradition and honour. However, I again suggest you talk to such professionals as Dr. Marc or Dr. Stewart before proceeding any further.

Good Luck in the future.

Sincerely Yours, Gerald Anderson

Adopt a Ruskie and gain a friend DEAR SIRS:

The request I appeal to you with is perhaps quite inappropriate and strange. Still I do not see any other reasonable way to realize my pur­pose. Nan1dy I am looking for pen­friends in Canada. It is a very compli­cated problem in the USSR because finding addresses is impossible. So­called 'perestroika' has not changed the situation in this field. Of course it is not your charge at· all to help "Soviets" in fmding penfriends. But I still hope you can do the favour of handing this Jetter over to the stu­dents of your university who would like to correspond with me.

Here is some basic information about myself: I am a young man of 20, a second-year student of econom­ics at Tartu University, Estonia. My sphere of interests is quite large and multifario~: music (Depeche Mode, U2, Dire Straits etc.), wildlife, travelling, computers, economic and political problems. Languages: English, Finnish, Estonian and Rus­sian. I would especially like to cor­respond with people who study similar specialities to mine.

I hope of your obligingness.

Sincerely

Toivo Kiiver Jaane 12-16 Kuuralu 203014

VIA cuts anger songsters DEAR EDITOR:

When the Via cutbacks were announced, it took me a little while to understand why the news angered me so much. I am not a regular passenger train user, (I guess not enough of us are), but somehow I felt personally vio­lated by this attack on a Canadian institution. I had become used to the current government systemat­ically eliminating our economic and cultural identity, but this new move seemed to be aimed at something closer to the soul of those who think of themselves as Canadians.

TAMARACK's music has for a long time examined the 'soul' of this country. Both with our writing and our interpretations of early Canadian folksongs, we have been discovering the myths,

the legends and the symbols that give us the tenuous connection that we feel for one another. The thin unbroken rail line that stretched coast to coast was the first and remains the strongest throughout the land that exist only because they were accessible by passenger train. Those milway tics (which incidentally were often made of TAMARACK wood) became truly 'ties that bind'. The fact that it was pos­sible to board a train at one ocean and ride it to another without leaving one's homeland is an es­sential part of the Canadian my­thology. It is in our songs and in our dreams, and the fact that it is not a part of the daily working lives of many does not make it less vital to our national well­being.

this steel road had become a part of our culture. That lonesome train's whine has found its way into every songwriter's imagina­tion. The 'clickety-clack' of the tmin down the track is as personal a sound as a heartbeat. It's part of a sound that TAMARACK has tried to keep alive by singing songs and telling the stories of the common people who live along those tracks. Maybe if we sing those songs loud enough, Ottawa will recognize that sometimes dreams and myths and our heritage must come before eco· nomics.

TAMARACK is hosting 'RaJ· ly for Rails: A Day of National Concern' on December 6th at the Ottawa Congress Centre. For in­formation on how you can help please call (519) 767-0142.

It is remarkable how much James Gordon

Stark Raving By Chris Star key

"Once you know you're going to eat humble pie, be polite, and use a napkin, knife and fork so that it is easier to S\val/ow and so that you can get every last morsel cleanly. If you just dive in, it just gets all over your face and makes a bigger mess."

I don't know if this is original or not (I've never heard it before and it seems too long to be a quotable quote) but I think it is an appropriate way to start.

The Cord has taken a somewhat cavalier approach in its past policies on submissions e.g. the recent furor over the "llill Needle" column. The column intends to stimu­late debate, to get people off their mental asses and see the Judicrousy of some of the viewpoints expressed. When I read Bill Needle, that's what I read. The column has provoked debate, but unfortunately, it has not been of d1e positive kind.

I was under the impression that there were equal numbers of people who liked and disliked Bill's work. The Cord cannot keep everyone happy. Near the end of dte term, though, as Bill's material seemed to be centred around the potential shock value and not healthy debate, I realized that a change was not just a worthwhile sugges­tion anymore-- it was necessary.

My mind changed through talking with several people. I sat at a booth in the Concourse last Thursday and listened to about 40 students. I read 90 surveys. But d1at wasn't what convinced me -- that just re-iterated what I had heard the week before. Two concerned students, whom I both knew (recog­nized) were in Dean Nichols' office and the Dean asked WLUSU President AI Strathdee and I to talk with them. This pair did d1eir best just to be upset, but they were visiLly incensed with the whole matter. AI told me of other persons that had visited him with complaints about

the Cord's content policy. The duo from the meeting with the Dean and two others came to the Cord staff meeting and very effectively put across their views. I didn't say much then, because my mind was already made up.

A Cord constitution had been drawn up in August with the intent to have it in place by Christmas (it was one of the points in my EIC platform). and had been put on the back burners for no particular reason. As I have assured several people, it will be discussed and passed before the next Cord is published.

I would like to thank those who took their concerns to myself or AI personally. Your voice has been heard. As for my friends who feel that the K-W Record decides policies on campus, I hope you don't take any credit for this column. Your actions just made me even more defensive.

I am sorry for causing undue grief to the following people: AI Strathdee, Dean Fred Nichols, AssociatcJ v. P: Jim Wilgar, Dr. Jolm Weir and the Cord staff. You shouldered a good deal of the burden d1at my lack of sensitivity or editorial control inflicted on those higher· ups in dw WLU community that must protect the image of the place. I'm not here next year. but WLU and the Cord will, and I have learned to respect the responsibility that the Editor of the Cord holds. I will not disappoint you.

Most of all, I would like to apologize to anyone who found any Cord material over the last three months racist, sexist or homophobic. The proposed constitution will ensure that these violations of personal rights will not be repeated. As a "privileged" WASP male, I haven't been exposed to the situations that may have triggered or fostered unpleasant experiences. I ask that you help the Cord staff and I make the Cord a paper in which EVERYONE at WLU can take pride.

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fircs,n the Mid millio Ethopia try's fa a slow A7

Fat The cau cent of by Uni searcher. I think biologi PageA4

Coo Canadia Cochran features of his fa Page D3

"The one ea

Ask Bernie Virgin Birth Troubled W: Guacamole Declassified More bad c Flaming Ca God is dead So is Anwa Dobbing fo Where was Ghost in M Closed for Cookie Pus Gamboling

KITCHENER WATERLOO Wretched

500 DUCATS I

Inside Feature:

Disease of the week: Part 3in the series on chronic in-terstitial cystitis ex-pialidosis.

PAGE G8

Do You Want This Man'sSperm?Dirk Haegen-daas holds theworld record for spermbank donations. You couldbe holding one of his in theold kiln.

PAGE E5

BrieflyNichols greatWLU Dean of Students FredNichols puts out three housesfires, negotiates a lasting peace inthe Middle East and gives threemillion tonnes of wheat toEthopia in order to end that coun-try's famine Wednesday. "It wasa slow day," Deano notes. PageA7

Fatal visionThe cause of a whopping 99.9 percent of all fatalities is discoveredby Univerity of Waterloo re-searchers. "It's called 'Death' andI think we have it pinned down,"biologist Skip Bittman says.Page A45

Cochrane holeCanadian singer-songwriter TomCochrane's face implodes, as hisfeatures collapse into the middleof his face, creating a black hole.Page D3

WeatherTomorrow and tomorrow andtomorrow creeps in the thunder-heads until the last syllable of thisweek. Page A 42

IndexAsk Bemie Parent A34Virgin Births Al2Troubled Waters 812Guacamole 852Declassified ads C4More bad comics X9Flaming Carrot 869God is dead K9So is Anwar Sadat Z33Bobbing for babies YlOWhere was George? 856Ghost in Machine 856Closed for repairs 856Cookie Puss 856Gamboling Gourmet 856

Killer Casper isdead Shakespeare

By Jack NapierWretched staff

In the aftermath of a bizarreseries of strange happenings, ex-perts have determined that Casperthe so-called "Friendly Ghost" isactually the metaphysicalmanifestation of the spirit of thebeloved playwright WilliamShakespeare.

It started with the brutal mur-der last Friday of SanchoRodriguez, a 19-year-old coffee-picker in Colombia. The boy hadbeen smothered with a pillow.

A witness at the scene, 42-year-old celebrity Juan Valdezgave a description of what hesaw. "It was a white, shadowyfigure, just sort of floating there.It had a really big head. Roundlike a soccer ball. Huge smile,you know? Well it popped up be-hind poor Sancho, whipped out areally big fluffy pillow, andstarted to smother him shoutingsomething like 'isotoner,isotoner.'"

It is believed that the killerwas Casper/Shakespeare, mutter-ing the lines "Desdemona! Des-demona!" from his play Othellowhile using the modus operandiof the murderous title character.

In a related incident the nextday, 24-year-old Wally West wassmitten down by a similar appari-tion in Des Moines, Idaho. Westwas killed by a "short, big-headed

figure with a sword, all white andspooky," said Ashley Abbot, aprostitute who was speaking toWest at the time.

During police questioning,Ms. Abbot described what shesaw: "The thing, I guess it was aghost, just appeared and ran theguy through with the sword. Itwas sick. The ghost looked realhappy about it though. Then itsaid 'how now rat, dead in abucket,' or something like that,and disappeared. Really fuckedup my evening."

Experts now believe that whatthe homicidal spook really saidwas "how now, a rat — dead for aducat!" a quote from Hamletwhen the title character killedPolonius through a curtain.

After that, reports flooded infrom around the globe aboutsimilar incidents involving themurders of various people by anether worldly being who quotedlines of killers in Shakespearianplays.

Piecing together descriptionsexperts have positively identifiedthe murderer as Casper. "It had usstumper for a while," said JaniVomit, expert, "but the only pos-sible conclusion is that Casper isShakespeare."

"I always knew it," said PaulMcCartney after hearing thenews. "I never liked that damnghost."

Casper the ghost isn't so friendly anymore — he's gone on akilling spree that suggests that he is the ghost of WilliamShakespeare, or possibly Francis Bacon. John smaiibeniw

After major plastic surgery Prime Minister Brian Mulroneyand Milti have found their sex life to be even better than ever."Thank god that ghastly chin is gone," Mila said, just beforeBrian gave her a hickey she won't forget. John Bigbootifis

Berlin shrubbery?By Frank Lloyd WrightNeuter Wire Service

The Berlin Wall is gone. Andin its place?

"We're thinking of putting ina lovely shrubbery," said EastGerman Minister of Walls andHedges Vic Arpeggio.

The shrubbery, once com-pleted, would stretch for dozensof miles across the German ter-rain, said Arpeggio. "It would beabout three feet high, and wouldhave lovely little picket fencegates at every border crossing.We think it would fit in with thenew 'open' Germany."

However, West GermanChancellor Helmut Kohl is as yetunconvinced. "A shrubbery? Whywe won't settle for anything lessthan a wall of herring at least fourfoot high," Kohl stated grumpilyafter being roused from his bed toanswer snippy, self-importantquestioning from a variety ofnews reporters.

For instance, the reporter

from USA Today asked Kohlwhether he thought a reunitedGermany would have a shot at anNFL franchise before the end ofthe century. Kohl declined tocomment on that, but did say thathe thought Joe Montana was thefinest quarterback to ever strap onshoulder pads.

President Bush is uncertainwhether the shrubbery would putan end to East-West tensions, butsaid that he was "optimistic" thata shrubbery was a step in theright direction. "In time, perhaps,;even the shrubbery will fall, toleave Germany strong and unitedonce again, but only time willtell. Thousand points of light,slay the middle course, doing thatglasnost thing..." said PresidentBush.

Prime Minister Mulroney waspersonally pleased with theshrubbery plan. "I'm personallypleased with the shrubbery plan,"Mulroney said.

Spain's Generalissimo Fran-cisco Franco was unavailable forcomment because he is still dead.

Space laxatives threaten universe(CPU) -- Astronomers have dis-covered massive laxatives,hundreds of times the size of oursun, falling into the black hole atthe centre of our galaxy.

And it could all lead to thebiggest bang since the first one,according to University of Water-loo scientist Norman Rockwell."The massive Palomar telescopeshowed them to us clear as day —

you could read 'Ex-lax' writtenon the sides of these massiveboxes. It looks bad. Really bad.The whole bloody black holecould turn inside out!"

NASA is preparing a shuttleequipped with a giant plug on itsnose in a last ditch effort to fore-stall universal chaos, but accord-ing to project director Neil 'Buzz'Piatkowski, it could be monthsbefore the giant plug is ready.

God is back!By Nick NorwayPewter wire service

In a shocking move, God hasthrown his hat into the politicalarena.

And it turns out that God is aRepublican.

Appearing at a press confer-ence held on the island of Maltayesterday, where Soviet-U.S.peace talks were to be held, Godshocked the world when he saidthat he backed President Bush"100 per cent in his push to endthe world communist threatforever."

God, a personable man withslightly greying hair, a bit of apaunch and a thick handlebarmustache, then proved his pointby turning Soviet Premier Mik-hail Gorbachev into a pillar ofsalt.

After God turned him backinto a human being, Gorbachevseemed impressed with thedeity's threats. Through a trans-lator, Gorbachev said "Well, Mr.God, I guess we'd better not bebeating around the burning bush,

as you Americans might say. Wegive up!"

Bush, Gorbachev and Godthen adjourned to a private room,where they began hammering outwhat turned out to be a new mapof the world, similar to the mapof Europe hammered out by theAllies at the conclusion of WorldWar Two.

The new map is fairly basic.God said that the United States

Why do menhave nipples?

could have everything it wanted,and so, with the exception ofTogoland, Antarctica and Cana-da, the United States now ownsthe world.

Gorbachev has decided toreturn to a potato farm outside theUkrainian town of Shmelsk,where he intends to live out therest of his days as a peacefulpetty bourgeoisie farmer.

At a press conference im-mediately after the division of the

world, God answered questionsfrom reporters from across theglobe. While apparently fluent inall languages, the deity refused toanswer in anything other thanEnglish, saying that English was"just about the best language inthe universe -- and I sure wellshould know, old hoss!"

God cleared up a lot of ques-tions about the universe, includ-ing abortion ("I'd rather you letthem live so that they can die inholy wars fought in my name"),evolution ("Actually, you're de-scended from slugs"), flatulence("Not my fault!"), where half ofevery pair of socks goes whenyou put them in the washing ma-chine ("Hell. They're beingpunished for being stinky.") andwhy men have nipples ("So thatwhen they get fat they can tit-fuck each other.")

Both Satan and Jesus Christhave declined to comment onGod's bold entrance into worldpolitics, although inside sourcessay that Christ is somewhat un-happy with his father's politicalaffiliations.

God is back and boy, is he a crazy guy! Here he's seen show-ing off at a local discotecque. Oh, that God -- all this and waterinto wine too! John Smallberries

Brady killers escape jailBy Ted BundyWretched staff

The Brady Bunchhas been broken out ofjail and is now at largein the American Mid-west.

Last March, theBrady Bunch were ar-rested for theirsuspectcd role in the in-famous 'Minute Rice'serial murders. At thetime, it was believedthat 12 semi-nude andwildly mutilated bodiesfound in the Seattle areaover the past two yearswere their work, a wayof striking back atmankind for the dismalreception accorded TheBrady Bunch Reunion.Now they are free, andno one can sleep safely.

Late Wednesdaynight a van pulled up tothe Beaver CleaverHome for HomicidalSitcom Characters. Ac-cording to CleaverHome security personBarney Phyfe, threemen leaped out and,making no attempt tohide their faces, openedlire on the guard boothwith the Uzi automaticrifles they held in theirhands.

"Well, by gum, itwas the Skipper, Gil-ligan and the Professor,as sure as I'm notsecure in myheterosexuality, it was,"Barney said. WhilePhyfe returned fire, thethree broke into thecompound, rescued theBradys from theirpadded cells, and droveoff into the night.

According to FBIChief Bill Murray,

there's a lot to beworried about. "TheBradys are nutty asfruitcakes on a hotgriddle -- anyone whowould cook up bodyparts in a steaming vatof Minute Rice is a fewpennies shy of a pound,if you know what I need- but it's the three Is-landers I fear."

"They haven't beenthe same since the Har-lem Globetrotters landon Gilligan's Islandmovie stiffed, and theadded humiliation ofBack to the Beach andHollywood Squareshave made the Skipperand Gilligan just plainmean. They're maddogs on the prowl now,and it's like a timebomb waiting to gooff."

However, Murraysaid that he had noplans of attempting tocatch the crazed groupof Bradys and Islanders."Heck, no - I wouldn'twant to put any of mymen in the danger!"

"What we're hopingfor here in the Bureau -

and it's a million-tu-oneshot, but it's happenedbefore - is that they'lltry to ambush a car withCharles Bronson'sdaughter in it and killher."

"Then Bronson willgo after them, wipethem out, and walkaway from their burningcarcases with a smile onhis grim face and a songin his sad but vengefulheart."

"It's a long shot, butit may be our onlyhope," Murray con-cluded.

The K-W Wretched2Thursday November 30, 1989

DLAIN J S a1 DISHONOUR ROLL II 1980-89 I■ To be eligible for the Dean's Dishonour Roll, students must have achieved an overall Grade Point fl■ Average of not more than 2.35 in all courses required in the particular year of their program. De- ■ j■ partmental and extra-curricular apathy requirements must be fulfilled within an eight-month term 1■ with at least two or more failures or substitutions. ■ ;

■ HONOURS BUTTHOLE SURFING II AlAuerbach Sheldon Gokool Ramiro Maciel 1I John Chamberlin Bruce Hodges Alex Murray■ William Crilley Michele Landsberg Bruce Springstein I

H Robert Desmond Cunningham David Letterman DehbiTustin

■ BACHELOR OF UNDERWATER FIREFIGHTING IOwen Brunelle Mel Lasunan W. Axl Rose

■ Karen L.Burke Jim Morrison Patricia Siarr\m Jose Canseco MilaMulroney lan Wallace B:8 9 Elizabeth Fusco Andrea Nasello Michael Wilson I;

I I ARTS AND SCIENCE (6-WEEK DIPLOMA) I:j: 9 George Bell Jim Kelly George Thorogood l|

| Bette Davis Evelyn Mugimba Pierre Trudeau ■■ Wayne Gretkzy Elvis Presley Brian Turnbull I jB Steve Hilton A 1 Strathdee John Weir

I HONOURS INSIDER TRADING E■ Patrick Brethour Nick Konlogianis Coieu Rickets K||

LocalThey're really mean!Evil dogs terrorize Waterloo youthsBy Carlos san LucosWretched staff

BlCitv editor Frank BoothPhone: 894-3825, ext. 968Kitchener-Waterloo Wretched

Thursday, November 30,1989

BusinessBirds do it,Bees do it,Let's do it,Ixt's fall in love. Page 856

In a frightening example ofcanine ferocity a vicious pack ofdogs has been terrorizing localyouths, critically injuring one 14-year-old boy by stuffing him in amicrowave oven.

The dogs are apparentlymoving in reaction to the brutalmurder of one of their group. Afew months ago a Kitchener boy(whose name cannot be revealedunder the Young Offenders Act)torched a dog in a microwave. Ofthis latest canine-related attack,investigating police officer FrankPonchercllo said "looks like thepuppies is pissed."

The search is now on to roundup the pack and remove the terrorthat looms over the heads of K-Wresidents like a pall of steamingblack phlegm. Of the six pooches

captured so far there seems to bea connecting thread uniting themembers of the pack. All thedogs come from homes with mi-crowaves and abusive young chil-dren.

Most of the animals are veryyoung. The average age is twoyears (that's 14 in dog years) andtherefore they cannot be namedunder the Young Offensive Act.Rumour has it that most of themare a crispy golden brown incolour.

The police are currently stak-ing out the dog house of a five-year-old (35 in dog years) cockerspaniel named Monty, thebelieved leader of the pack. Theyare afraid to act because Monty isholding a three-year-old (21 indog years) poodle named Frostyhostage in the rugged confines ofhis dog house.

One of the powerhouses of

the mongrel mafia is a four-year-old (28 in dog years) dobermannamed Blackie. She was capturedyeaterday by a crack SWAT teamsent to track the canine ruffian asshe tried to make her escape intothe sanctuary of Cambridge.

"Ruff, ruff, ruff," howledBlackie to arresting officer JaneCagney even after being warned

that anything she barked could beused against her in a court ofpaw.

"Quito a mouth on the littlebitch," said officer Cagney.

Police advise all citizens to beon the look-out for any largegathering of dogs, and to stayaway from microwave ovenswhen at all possible.

Two new animals at Waterloo Park engage in a little bit oirough and tumble behind bars yesterday. Both the miniatureScottish moose and the cute pink bunny will spend their livesin quiet desperation. John BigbooU6s

DigestWeir hormones

Wilfrid Laurier Universitypresident John Weir is back fronSweden, where he received an ex-pensive series of hormone im-plants from well-known LasVegas lounge lizard Wayne New-ton.

The implants, according toWeir's personal secretary JohnBigbooties, were intended to giveWeir "a better understanding ofmodern kids these days by givinghim a little bit of today's biggestrock singer!" They seem to havedone something for Weir, whoopens for Frank Sinatra and LizaMinnelli at the WLU dance club'The Turret' this Thursday night.

Ticket sales have been "reallyreally really really brisk so far —

really!" according to WLU Stu-dent Union Vice-president:Happy Talk Stuart Lewis.

Gumby replacesDean Murray

In a successful palace coup,Gumby has taken the place of J.Alex Murray as Dean of the Wil-frid Laurier University School ofBusiness and Economics. Ac-cording to eyewitnesses, Murraywalked into his office on Thurs-day morning, only u be bootedout rather unceremoniously byGumby's pal, Pokey.

Murray has been quite grace-ful in accepting his dismissal, andsubsequent demotion 10 Dean ofJanitorial Services, with a smile.That's just the way it goes in the

rough-and-tumble world of busi-ness -- you've got to move quick-ly," he noted.

Gumby declined to comment.

Smokey smokedby mad treeA tree fell in the wests of

Temagarru yesterday, right on thebig fat head of Smokey the Bear,who had been terrorizing the gen-tle woodland creatures with hiscunning carnivorous ways.

The tree was putting in itsheartfelt plea for vegetarianismand no more logging in the beau-tiful Temagami forests, but didnot count on the incredibly hardhead of Smokey, who proceededto burn down the beautiful greenforest in his enraged fury at thefoolish tree.

"Hey, what is all this stupidfucking environmental shit?" saidSmokey, moments before stickingfriendly Mr. Gopher on a spit androasting the living shit out of thelittle bastard. Before roastingloveable Mr. Gopher, Smokeyskinned the little fellow and madea lovely hat out of him.

Prufrock, thoushouldst be

I shall wear silly trousers, andwalk upon the beach, until I dareto put on a face to meet the facesthat I meet.

Landsberg friesBy Nick AdamsCanadian Repressed

Beloved Toronto Starcolumnist Michele Landsberg isdead, the victim of what eyewit-nesses have deemed the bravestact of monstrosity they've everseen.

Late Friday night a manrushed into Landsberg's burningToronto house to save its scream-ing occupant. Having carriedLandsberg from the building,Landsberg's would-be saviourthrew her back in the fire, appar-ently when he discovered who itwas he had rescued.

And now Metro Police, incooperation with Ontario Provin-cial Police Forces across the pro-duce. have started a man hunt for

;suspect Al Strathdee in what mayibe one of the most bizarre mur-!<*"• on the books.

Strathdee, the student unionpresident at Wilfrid Laurier Uni-versity -- a university Landsbergreferred to as "Dogpatch U." inone of her scathingly brilliantcolumns -- appears to have hadsome motive for the killing.

Friends of Strathdee say thathe was "deeply annoyed" atLandsberg's attack on WilfridLaurier University, and hadslipped into alcoholism and in-cipient foot feticism as a result."A 1 told me right to my face thathe was mad...that he intended tokill Landsberg — yeah, that's theticket!" said Stuari Lewis, whoims replaced Strathdee as studentpresiueni at WLU.

A man answering Strathdee'sdescription was sighted nearLandsberg's house unnating on a;fire h) ..rum A w.sness, whojasked to cmain nameless, said ithai '!. man who appeared to be;Sirashuvc had just crawled mewl-isng and nuking out of a gutterjwhen he was spotted.

The fire in Landsberg's build-ing apparently originated in her japartment, according to Metro :

Fire Department spokesperson ;Todd Worrell. "Seems she wasfrying up a big old tub of lardwhen the whole damned thing ex-ploded," Worrell explained.

Al Strathdee

Wilfrid Laurier Perversity, I presume?Imagine a place where no one

speaks the same language as youdo, where no one cares about thesame things you do. Imagine aplace where the inhabitants arehostile to your very existence.

And imagine such a placenestled, like a wolf in the fold,right in the heart of beautifulWaterloo. The place is WilfridLaurier University - the mostwretched hive of scum and vil-lainy in the galaxy, in this man'sopinion.

I went to this place. Twice. Ifound things that would shock thegood citizens of Waterloo, whichwould make them fear for theirlives if they knew the creatureswhich huddled here, on this smallcramped campus that looks like anightmare right out of 1984, abook which I've never read butwhich I've heard good thingsabout.

For instance:There are about a million

books in the WLU library. Thereare about 5000 students at WLU.That's 200 books per student.What the hell kind of personwould read 200 books in alifetime, much less a universitycareer? A sick person, I think.

There are two bars oncampus, and neither of themwould let me in without something called a 'Student Card.'Hey, Laurier people -- as far as Iknow, such blatant discriminationwent out with the Jim Crow laws.

I talked to the Student Unionpresident (Union, eh? Already,the socialist-humanist-communist

creed of tne organization is madecrystal cieaj in its very name).His name was Al Strathdee. Helooked iike photographs of ayoung Aoolf Hitler, only worse. Ialso talked with a swarthy fellowwith too much styling gel on hishair whose name escapes me, butwho looked like a villain from amade-for-TV movie about whiteslavery rings.

These are the student leadersof Laurier? A couple of cheappunks, undoubtedly with thoughtsof world domination dancingthrough their dreams? God helpus.

I looked at this sexist campus,where every building is namedafter a man except the women'sdormitories (I'm not sure whoMr. Athletic Complex was, but hesounds like some Eastern Euro-pean Communist scum, the kindof people these Laurier punksprobably idolize) and where one- the Peters Building - is named

alter a mate appendage which Mr.Sigmund Freud made infamous,

It was sick, like something euione of Richard Wagner's wetdreams, all these buildings thrust-ing into the unforgiving grey skyof Waterloo's discontent. Plainsick, that's what it was.

I talked to students. Theydidn't talk the same language.They mentioned names likeSocrates, John Kenneth Galbraithand Bill Needle — Trotskyites all,undoubtedly, and undoubtedlysexist to boot. Hell, most of thesepeople said they don't even readthe Kitchener-WaterlooRecord, that they've got betterthings to do.

Beware, Waterloo. You har-bour a hidden fifth-column inyour midst, a place of madnessand dreary nightmares of un-speakable monstrosity.

They don't speak our lan-guage. They are not our children.

Watch the skies.

J°^

See Mad-Page 4

"After that, it all just sort ofmushroomed, I guess."

Strath dee was described asabout five-foot nine, 150 pounds,with sinister brown hair and evilbeady eyes by Stuart Lewis. "I

never liked that guy anyway,"Lewis noted on Monday. "I hopehe hangs."

Anyone who spots Strathdeeis advised to stay indoors andstand in an open doorway or hidein the cellar until he leaves.

McDonalds atrocities told by RonaldBy Billy BraggCanadian Oppressed

The :nan who was RonaldMcDonald has stepped forward todeliver shocking testimony at theBigbooties Inquiry being heldinto immoral practices in fastfood marketing techniques.

"Yes, LSD was injected intothe McDonalds cows in order tomake their flesh more pa'iaiabkfor consumption," said LarryFawn., former Ronald McDonaldnow turned state s evidenceagainst the massive hamburgerchain.

But it doesn't stop there.Fawn said that he underwent

painful plastic surgery to makehis hair a shocking orange colour,to make his nose bulbous, and tomake his feet big ana floppy sothat would fit into what he called"those cruel, ridiculous RonaldMcDonald shoes."

And worse yet, McDonaldsmade him pay for the surgery tobe altered back to a more humanappearance when he retured fromRonald-hood in 1985.

"It was hell, sheer hell -- but

what can I say? The money wasdamned good," Fawn said to apacked house of reporters, fastfood aficiandoes and interestedcattle whose calves have grownup deformed and just plain

strange because of the LSD injec-tions.

Fawn's testimony louchedupon a number of shocking tacts,including:

*- Popular Burgei King

spokesperson Burger King warkilled off by a McDonaldland hitsquad composed of Grimace, theHamburglar and the Fry Guys."Those aren't costumes -- youwouldn't believe the geneticengineering that goes into thosebloody things," Fawn said. Nobody was ever found because,Fawn said, because the threeMcDonaldland charactersdevoured Burgei King's deadbody. "I walked in on the end ofit -- the sight of those intestineshanging from Hamburglar'sgrostesque mouth will haunt meto my grave." Fawn noted.

*- Counterpersons who fail

their McDonalds entrance examare shipped off to 'Project Beef-

cake.' 'Project Beefcake' is thecode name for the geneticengineering lab where creatureslike Grimace are manufactured."If they're really untortunate,they just get shoved into a shakemachine and whirled to death,Fawn also noted.

* Popula* 'Shamrock' and'Arctic Orange' shakes -ire ac-tually made from toxic waste leftovei from 1983, when a failed ex-

periment in creating Mcßibsnearly destroyed the EasternSeaboard. "They have to dosomething with the goop,' Fawnsaid.

The Bigbooties Inquiry con-tinues this week. Dave Thomas,Founder of Wendy's, is schedul-ed to testify, and is expected toreveal what happened to hisdaughter Wendy, who dis-appeared in 1987 while goingthrough a McDonalds drive-thru.

Larry FawnMso btrathdee

From Page 3

The K-W Wretched4 Thursday November 30, 1989. "

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LifestylesExpanding Spiritual HorizonsNot Worth Being Single

Lifestyles editor Ediih Prickly967-1111, ext. 666

Kitchener-Waterloo Wretched

Thursday, Nov. 30,1989

Have a problem?Don't need a good solution?

Write to Deano.

c/o the Wretched.

DEAR DEANO: I am a student on the verge ofmanhood. In all my 19 years I have never felt socomplete or fulfilled. I am truly in love for the veryfirst time in my life.

I'm 5'9", blonde and blue-eyed. I'm majoring inlandscape architecture with a minor in social work.My friends describe me as perky and fun to be with.

About my girlfriend. She's warm and tenderand respects me for who I am. I've never let anyonesee the real me until now. I feel so at home withher, it's like I've known her all my life. She'shelped me expand my spiritual horizons and cometo know myself more.

My girlfriend, I'll call her "Pat", is truly anineties woman. She'd let me give up my carecr tostay home with the kids and it wouldn't bother herif I made less money than her. I know she'd makethe perfect career woman and mother of my chil-dren.

But my problem is, Pat just won't commit. It'snot that she's thinking of staying single, it's justthat she feels she's too immature right now to be in-volved in a longer term relationship. She won'teven go steady with me.

Deano, I beseech you, what should I do?!- HAPPY BUT STILL SINGLE

Dear Single: Dump the chick. She obviously

doesn't know a good man if he grovelled beforeher. Concentrate on finding someone who's will-ing to give up their single status for an emo-tionally mature and nurturing relationship.

DEAR DEANO: I am a student on the verge of anervous breakdown. In all my 19 years I have neverfelt so smothered and unfulfilled. I am truly trappedfor the first time in my whole life.

I'm s'B", brunette and hazel-eyed. I'm inHonours Business Administration with a concentra-tion in Finance. My friends describe me as wittyand intelligent.

About this goof. He's sappy and lovesick andstifles my inner personality. I've never let anyonesee the real me and I'm definitely not going to startwith him. I feel so at home with him, it's like hav-ing my mother beside me at every moment. He'shelped me over extend my credit limit and realizemy true monetary worth.

This boy, I'll call him "Andy", is truly in-comprehensible. June Cleaver has nothing on him.He's like a clinging vine - there's a possibility hecould save a woman but he's more likely to pull herunder. And I'm a woman who's going places. ForGod's sake, he'd want to stay at home with thekids! Doesn't he have a mind of his own?

He wants some kind of commitment out of me.What does he mean? We go out every Friday night,What more could he want?

The other day Andy started talking about mar-riage. Why would I want to tie myself down whenthere's so much more out there to experience? Idon't want to let him go -- God knows it takes solong to train a man properly. So how do I stringhim along until I finish my MBA?-- UNCOMMITTED

Dear Uncommitted: Dump the jerk. He's ob-viously holding you back in your life ambitions.Concentrate on Finding someone equally as shal-low and immature as you are. Believe me, well-trained men are easier to find than you think sowhy waste your time now.

Taurus Abstain From Whole GrainsMs. Zealous has been a member of

the Laurier Occult Society of Enlight-ment and Enrichment (L.0.5.E.E.) forclose to 3 millenniums now. During thistime, she has concentrated mainly onbuilding her powers in order to aid stu-dents of Laurier in "their search for in-ner peace and tranquility in a world fullof wickedness and impurity." TheWretched is eternally grateful for thetime and energy Ms. Zealous has mag-nanimously bestowed upon our humbleand undeserving university. Without you,Zelda, we would be forever lost in thecosmos of obscurity. A mere bit in thecomputer of life. An amoeba floatingaimlessly in the Pacific Ocean. Alas,Zelda, we thank you from the bottoms ofour stomachs and wish you well on yourgalactic journey of the spirit.

Aries - March 21 to April 19Your work has really been piling up late-ly. Now is the time to get yourself up todale. No more partying for you untilChristmas. It is of vital importance thatyour socks match your underwear on the3rd of December. Beware of studentswith red hair bearing gifts of cauliflowerand CheezWhiz on the 17th. The 24thbrings good fortune and, if Satire is inthe eleventh orbit, cookies as well.

Taurus - April 20 to May 20Look for money or a large packagc in themail from a distant and forgotten rela-tive. Don't forget to show your apprecia-tion or it may be the last gift you receive.The 7th brings grief and tragedy assomething close to you may be destroyedin fire. Don't eat oatmeal on the 14th asthis will cause your roommate to fail inromance. Make sure your laundry isdone on the 20th.

Gemini - May 21 to June 21Tonight is going to be your lucky night.The stars and the moon are in the properposition for a party. Invite all yourfriends and enemies over and you'll beguaranteed a good evening. But takeprecautions lest your innermost secretwill be revealed. Stay away from allcaffeine-related products and eat onlygarlic dip on bagels prepared by yourown hands.

Cancer - June 22 to July 22If you have any friends or close enemieswho are Geminis, put on a striped shirtand get ready for a party. You will meetsomeone very special, but your feelingsof fatal attraction will not be recipro-cated. You will have to prove yourself inthe challenging game of Win, Lose orDraw.

Leo - July 23 to August 22Rest and relaxation are what you needmost. Pay your roommate(s) to go awayand shut the door on the rest of theworld. Now is the time to assert your in-dependence by saying "yes" to Calgoneand "no" to everything else. Alienateeveryone you know by never turning onthe light and belting out vintage MichaelJackson tunes. Towards the end of De-cember you will experience an in-explicable urge to buy an electric pencilsharpener. Give in and let yourself reallygo.

Virgo - August 23 to September 22You will be the life of the parly thisweekend (as usual), and other peoplewill see your friendliness as your bestcharacteristic. Try to look your best ifyou want to catch that special someone'seye. Look for a Capricorn as an ideal

mate. Computer terminals will befuddleyou on the ninth. The eighteenth eludesyou, so might as well not exert yourselftrying to get out of bed. If you're lucky,someone will bring you the decadentluxury of pickles and jam.

Libra - September 23 to October 23You have too many things going on atonce. You have to start taking better careof yourself. You are not making gooduse of what you learned in Business 111about Time Management. A Virgo willbe a bad influence on you at this time.But cheer up! The middle of the monthbrings more bad tidings. If you're bored,put your contacts in upside down.Scorpio - October 24 to November 21Okay all you Scorpio men, if there issomeone special on the horizon, now isthe time to make your move. A Pisceswould be good for you. As for you Scor-pio women, a Gemini man would comp-ly with your every wish. He might becloser than you think. Spam could bringyou closer together. Cher's personal per-fume could also do the trick. If all elsefails, remember there's always BillNeedle's advice to fall back on.

Sagittarius - November 22 to Decem-ber 21If you're running short on cash ask yourroomie for a loan. Your parents willsuspect all you do with your money is

drink. We wouldn't want them to thinkthat, now would we?!

Capricorn - December 22 to January19You are very special to the peoplearound you, even if some people don'tseem to appreciate you. Your hard workwill soon pay off, so just be patient andsmile through your teeth. Tuesdays willbe especially trying. Just keep in mindthat you don't want your room mate'sfailure to take out the garbage to lead toa domestic dispute and possibly a termof imprisonment for you.

Aquarius - January 20 to February 18There is a carral in the Library with yourinitials engraved on it. If you go thereoften enough, you just may find it. Justmake sure that once you reach your fateddestiny you don't waste the precious mo-ments by sleeping rather than studying.Always be wary of photocopying ma-chines disguised as benevolent helpersand remember to dodge all poles.

Pisces - February 19 to March 20If you're out partying and drinking like aFISH, make sure you don't bicyclehome. Remember: drinking and cyclingdon't mix. It's better to make it homesafely in a cab than to try to explain toyour friends why you were showing yourmother how to cycle without the use ofyour hands.

Your HoroscopeZelda Zealous

The K-W Wretched Page 6 Thursday November 30, 1989.

---Opinion Student Whinerama

With each passing day, it becomes more apparent that something must be done in Ontario's universities.

Every year we hear the sob stories wafting down from University Avenue that students are poor and need this and that.

Well, we at the Wretched don't buy the complaints of these whiners.

What have students done for Waterloo? They bring in mlilions of dollars to spend in our stores, restaurants and apartments. They add to the sporting life of the com­munity. They provide cultural and educational outlets.

And they have the audacity to ask for even more of our hard-earned tax dollars! For shame! The only reason we can see for the existence of UW is to let us write stuff about how great the Warriors are and WLU is only there to give us practice at setting internal policies of outside organizations.

Mayor Turnbull would do better to turf them all and add on to Waterloo Park. I'd rather go feed a few geese and rabbits before I give those beer-guzzling, property­denuding vultures.

Please restrain yourself For most of us putting a seatbelt on is second nature.

Recent findings of the Waterloo Regional Police, how­t'ver, show us that there are still about 30% of K-W Cirizem that don't buckle up.

What are you trywg to do ... get yourself killed? h.l\ en 't you thought of all the people you could be of­reoc t ~ if ym .. flew out of a car (because you were un­rt'" ' fJ · .11~d) anu tained the sidewalk? And what about the

ith ... clid. ou think about them? u didn't.

hei •g :-.o pi::>m 11d do everyone a favour.

eek with confusion It':; hlil~ time tt a 1 nati0r:al organization be formed to

·egulate ~.~ l •nest. week ~- _ ou may be saying that the calen ar doe tha[ \lUite well. bu, I'm talking about the soec1a u-:terest veeJ<.S.

Die'. you kn w that last wee· was National Fire Pre­\'ention Week, T?.t'onal Sroop-anfi Scoop Week, National Hug- Rus3ian Week, and the Na~' onal Awareness Week tor thf" FJrtherance and Preser1ation of Barber-Shop Quarte .. S'nging? Probably not, Lecausc every charity, in­terest g. ·oup, lr)bby orgamzanon and Dick and Harriet try t~1 get in on ~'le awareness kick.

It isn'~ working. No-one knows when who's having their w .ej( when, and why they don' t hear about it.

Don t expect us to do everything. We've got enough troubles Just keeping WLU running properly with all the calls we get from the faculty media reps there. We've even got students calling us now ... where do they expect us to get all the money?

Well, we're not a charity, and we won't be doing any more cutesie preview articles on any weeks. Unless you want to buy an ad.

Berry's World

Reader passes on water I am writing this letter to

complain about the quality of the water in this city. It is yucky.

Now, I don't mean to use such harsh language but I feel that I must. It really annoys me whenever I taste the water here to find how awful it is. It really is very bad.

I know it's not anyone's fault, except perhaps for Bennito Mus­solini's. He was a bad man. The water is bad. There must be a connection.

I am not the sort of person who normally complains about stuff hke th1s, but in this case I am so irate that I feel I must get it off oi my chest before I have a breakdown. My mother had a breakdown and I don't want to have one myself. So I must com­plain.

The water is foul. It tastes and smells like someone put mudd'-' water into clean water making tt all dirty and nasty. It looks cloudy when you put it in a clean glass and hold it in front of a light.

How am I supposed to get clean when I take a bubble bath in this water. It makes me dirtier than before I had the bath. It is awful.

Well, I hope that now that the problem has been brought out into the open that something can be done. Maybe there is some way to filter the badness out of it before it reaches people's homes?

I hope now I will not have a breakdown. And I am glad that Bennito Mussolini is dead. He must have drank our water.

Pippi Pfeiffer, Waterloo.

Dogpatcher pissed

I've had it! That's enough! Stop printing falsehoods you preverts at the Wretched or it'll be the enJ! I am a devout reader of your sports section but I will boycott you unless you cease printing such lies about Dogpatch University.

I could not believe it when

you implied that we have a good academic standard and were responsible in the events we run. Damn you all, we are not responsible people! We're Uni­versity students!

I am not sure who you talked to at the school, but they were completely out of hand when they said that Dogpatc)l U "caters equally to male and female, abled and disabled alike." We do not! We are discriminatory! We are sexist! We are not good examples of the future of this nation.

We never go to classes here at Dogpatch, because the classes aren't worth going to. They're boring, and they're silly, and they don't te<tch you a thing you'll need to know in the real world. So what we do is sit arountl drinking. And swearing. Am! being abusive to each other. Attll we're fat and stupid and smdly and we like it! We like it!

So next time, pals, get Jour facts straight.

Wally Jefferies, Dogpatch University, Waterloo.

Refusal from Hell Dear Editor,

I was just writing this to in­form you that I was proud at your offer of being news editor, but must decline, as I am still dead.

Generalissimo Francisco Franco The Ninth Circle, Hell.

Schizophenic angry (No he isn't}

I am shocked and appalled at what is going on in the world. It is simply incredible to believe that something like this is al­lowed in the free and equal society we live in.

Long ago I heard a wise man say that when one takes a rabbit by the ears, he does so to himself. That is very fitting when applied to the current situation.

When I heard that this was

happening, I was furious. And the thought of Bianca Jagger being involved is utterly ludicrous. She is a good. and honest and pure woman. It is crazy. This whole world is crazy.

Schizophrenia is not some­thing to be taken lightly. Mark my words, they're only pulling their own ears.

Juan Effillo, Oshawa.

Back-hair raised over review Dear Editor,

The Razorbacks concert which your so-called 'reviewer' panned so stupidly m last Thurs­day's Wretched was surely the finest concert I've ever been too, and I know 'or a fac;t that the Razorback-< enjoyed Jt. especial!) the after-lh ,.-.tv w part when I visited them backstage.

The Razorba~..ks are the fines: band to ~ve1 play mus1c, am that's cerUlinly saying quite a lot. More than JOur stupid rev1ewer can say. I know his kind -- the kind that likes listemng to Pnnce, and to thaL Lou Reed no-talent guy. Well, I hope he bums m a mustcal hel l.

1'11 take the Razorbacks' any time.

Cori Cusak Sam the Record Man Toronto, Ontario

Bad weed, man! Dear Editor,

I was playing jump the weed yesterday when I discovered that Waterloo drivers are very rude, and will often try to run over you on King Street when you rush out to try to fetch a weed which you jumped over too hard, and caused to fly up into the air with great force and onto the road.

Anyway, I just thought I would tell you this. Oh, and potatoes are very good too.

Peppy Longsocks Shmelsk -- Sister City to Aylmer, The Ukraine.

Key

The

ro

, -c"" -"\ \ \ ~ec.

aised

The K-W Wretched Page 7 Thursday November 30, 1989.

Insight Another WLU sign ires, draws fire Bubba Egghlmaway self-perpetuating media blitz, Wretched staff as Dean of Students Fred Dimes

was forced to take down a sign WLU once again finds itself that some Hawaiian students

at the centre of the Wretched's could have been offended by.

The "Lei Ladies" are shown here proudly displaying the poster deemed "offensive to Hawaiians" by the

An anonymous sources told the Wretched on Wednesday that the offensive sign was posted. The anonymous caller had to can­cel a class while she waited for a

Wretched photographer/reporter team to arrive on the scene. Upon seeing that the situation had been handled properly, Dean Dimes was contacted -- a mere two

"Committee to Review the Events of the Past 50 Years at WLU" Harvey Wallbanger photo

hours after the first rumblings about the poster were raised.

"I checked the school's records and there was a Hawaiian student attending WLU three years ago," said Dimes. Under the· new guidelines set down by the recommendations of the "Com­mittee to Investigate the Events on and after September 27, 28, October 3, 4, 8, 12, 15, 18, 24, 28", Dimes was compelled to remove the offending sign.

"He shouldn't have even looked for data," said the anonymous caller. "I know of at least three faculty members who have visited the fair islands of .Hawaii. He obviously has no way of knowing how those people feel seeing that sort of thing?"

WLU President John Weir, in a rare candid interview, said that "some people, not necessarily of Hawaiian descent, but certainly sensitive to the plight of Polynesian peoples, have taken legitimate offence at the poster and I have instructed my top two men to strike a six-person com­mittee to look into the matter, ac­cept s ubmis si on s from paternalistic/philanthropic mem­bers of WLU's faculty and write a lengthy report."

Dimes confirmed that he had never visited Hawaii, but does have a hand-crafted turtle from Oahu.

The anonymous informant as­sured the Wretched that there were no students available on campus to talk to -- at least ones with the right opinion.

............ ____,......... __, .... ,.,...-.,., .....

JOBS! ! ! Stud~nt Publications needs people. If you are people, read on.

NEEDED: Director, Board of Publications Keystone Production Manager

UT&T Manager CORD Copy Editor

Associate News Editor Keystone Sports/Special Events Editor

Applications are aviilable at the CORD. The deadline for applications is Friday , December 1 , at 2 : 00p . m. By the way , we really are serious about this : It's only in the joke section because the r e was n o room anywhere else. We do need people .

Lluyli Mi graine, chief librarian of the Kitchener Public Library, proudly shows off the livre de resistance of the KPL' s rare book col­lect ion -- "The Revival of Neo-Cubist Neckwear" by Claude Nooseman. Wretched photo by Bob Billson

The Wretched's Thursday

Entertainment

GuideFriendly Ghost deemed sexist

Casper the Controversial CanceledStan Lee

In a sweeping purge of the in-dustry, the new CommitteeAgainst Corrupt Comic Art(CACCA) has set the comic bookand comic strip medium on edgein its continuing battle againstsex, violence, and higher thought.

The upset came last weekwhen CACCA head JessicaRogers decided to ban a newcomicbook from Needle Pressnamed Casper and Wendy O'Williams because of "its graphicviolence and the most disgustingset of breasts in comicdom."

"I am tired of seeing minoritygroups put down by the media",Rogers said from her home inVermont. "It's about time some-one stood up against the oppres-sion of dead babies and of those

cursed women with big, floppyschnoobies."

Casper artist FranklinCadaver is despondent. "Sales ofCasper the Friendly Ghost hadlanguished since the late sixties,"the artist said in a telephone inter-view. "Ms. Williams agreed tohelp boost the sales by appearingin some of the stories, cleavingthe little spook in two every oncein a while and singing a merrytune."

Needle Press publisher Wil-liam B. Needle vows to nevergive in. "CWOW is the mosttasteful literary work I've ever as-sociated myself with and I'mdamned proud of it. What the hell

is her problem anyway? This isn'tthe last she'll hear from me!Damn straight!"

People may remember Rogersas the woman responsible forbanning Matt Groening's con-troversial strip Life in Hell be-cause of "blasphemous content."It was reported at the time thatRogers felt that, not only was itdisturbing but it was also "muchtoo difficult to understand - Idon't want to have to read a com-ic strip more than once, and cur-sorily at that, to find the humourin it. Also, Hell isn't funny — it'sjust offensive."

Groening has since become arecluse, living alone in Floridawith his pet ducks: Frosty,Brownie, Brownie, Brownie,Brownie, Blacky, and Runty.

Casper's last issue: the contraversial comicbook, published byNeedle-Press will cease publication because of complaints of sexism.

WLU's digital orchestraR. Oliver Beethoven

The end of the Wilfrid Laurier University Or-chestra is close at hand. The school of Music atLaurier has found the need for further financial cut-backs and the Music Council decided the Orchestrashould get the axe. The Orchestra is to be replacedby digital technology.

Dr. Hall, Dean of Music, was the force behindthese cutbacks. Acting on the grounds of increasingthe Music Library in ensemble repitiore wouldcause severe financial strain, Dr. Hall mentionedcomputer discs were cheaper. The cost of obtainingTchiakovsky's 1812 overture (approx. $175.00),would buy approximately 90 computer discs.

Further investigation has revealed that allensembles will be faded out over the next 5 years,with the choir being the last to die in April 1995.

The eventual plan is to have the Laurier Choirsing door-to-door collecting money to enhance thecomposition and electronic studio facilities atLaurier. Then all the electronic components can beplaced on stage at the Recital Hall-Aird Center.One disc is capable of holding enough music forseveral 2 hour performances.

Dr. Hall was the head of the committee last yearthat attempted to have the Recital Hall taken out ofthe Aird Building because of earlier budget cut-backs. The move was defeated after architects de-cided that thr Recital Hall's removal could result inthe building's collapse.

Peter Hatch, head of electronic composition atLaurier, enjoyed this idea, saying he is awaitingthese changes most anxiously. "This type of migra-tion," Hatch said, "from real life to computersimulization, has been occuuring in the commercialworld through the eighties and Laurier needs tolead the Ninties to be competitive."

When asked how the audience would react, hesaid: "I'm sure the twenty or so people who showup won't mind." Dr. Hall had also mentioned that

declining audience attendence was a factor to thisdecision.

For those of you which will now find a need tosee this ill-fated group musicians perform, the or-chestra is not appearing on FRiday as advertised,but on Thursday at Bpm. in the T.A.. They will per-form a number of short works (because they can tafford long ones), including, "Bad" (M.Jackson),"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (short version)" (U n*

known), and the ever popular, "Feel like a CountryBoy" (J.Denver).

Following budget cut-backs, musicians havebeen replaced by modern technology at WLU'sRecital Hall.

THE DOLLHOUTEPRESENTS:

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LESLIE LINDBEREGER

Bonus new Kernals!

Wayne CampbellBonus!That's just about sums up the

new album from those wild 'ncrazics The Karnal Kernels, ManI Gotta Rock, y'know. It's a radi-cal departure from everythingelse they've ever done, but hey,who cares? Wayne's review!

It beats the tar right out of allthe other stuff everyone's fallingdown deader 'n doggy doo over.Like the Bon Jovis and LeeAarons (although she's a re t

Babe-ylonian and that's no lie) othe industry, they're nothingcompared to the true genius of theKernels.

Who else but Karnal guitaristTerence Bruce could abuse an ex-pensive instrument like that andstill make it sound like an angelsinging. UNNECESSARYFEEDBACK! But it's truly bonusand that's no lie.

Their first metal album, andtherefore their best so far, Man IGotta Rock, y'know follows onthe footsteps of their truly bonuscompilation disc All Our Best -

And then Some, which followedon the footsteps of their really in-credible punk efforts. Ah man,they're good. Wayne's review!

Garth an' me sat down oneday in my basement to give theold Kernals a listen to and wow,we were really taken aback. Itwas an affront to the industry, itwas so much better than anythingelse. We were beside ourselves.The haunting vocals of singerBob were all over us. Wow!

Oh, Garth just reminded meof the way Nigel "Skins"Wentworth beat them drums. Ahman, is he ever bonus. Un-necessary drum solo! Neverfore has my basement pulsate.;with the music. Ah man. Ah men.

Buy the record. Thumbs upfor the Karnal Kernels. Wayne's

review! Wayne's review!

Top Ten BogiMetal Hits1 (43) Something's Rising in mySpandex (and it wants you,baby) - Natural High2 (6) Rock Me AH Over (AndOver Again) - Bernie and theRap Boys3 (102) In Love With Satan(and damned if I ain't) -

Pentagram Sam4 (1) Don't Forget To Party (AllNight!) - Tone Deaf5 (5) Get Out, You're StartingTo Stink - Bill Needle and thePin Heads6 (1) Can't Wait For the Morn-ing After - Butter My Toast7 (9) (You Got a) Butt Like aSack of Spuds - Mudd Flapz8 (2) Don't Touch My Fuckin'Hair! - Kylie Minogue9 (-) Man, I Gotta Rock,y'know? - The Karnal Kernals10 (1) (Sweet, Sweaty) ArmpitLove - Chocolate Highway

The Wretched's Top Ten Bogi HeavyMetal Tunes are made up on produc-tion night by Wayne Campbell.Fished in! Fished in!

Phil's a seedy dumpKen Leadbelly

From the clientelle, one would think that Phil's Grandson'sbrother's neighbour's cousin's girlfriend's co-worker's dog's Place isa seedy dunghole frequented by the lunatic fringe of a nihilistic, nar-cissistic, hedonistic, and non-stick-society.

Right. Despite its close proximity to 7-11, slurpees and big bitescannot be found on the menu.

What is it then? What do they serve? Who goes there? Friend orfoe? I don't really know, but they have wings. And lots of them. Realcheap. If you wander to the kitchen, you can actually see the cookschoking the chickens. 112

I took my precocious 4 month old daughter there for a bite aftergoing to see 'Last Tango in Paris' at the Princbss. When we walkeddown those hazardous metal stairs, she immediately stretched out hertiny little digits and pointed to Gotham; a dark and dingy corner,adorned by a bat signal and some amateurishly painted buildings, andoccupied by rodents that could swallow my poor little girl whole.

We were immediately greeted by a courteous, if androgenouswaitress who took our order with a politely forced grimace. I ordereda pitcher of Ricker's Red and a vat of suicide wings for both of us.My daughter's face started bubbling and swelling after the firstcouple of nibbles. Cute little tyke. But I knew she was enjoying them,because her diaper needed changing. Then she started laughing un-controllably. At least I thought she was laughing. Actually, the poorbabe was choking on a bone, and I was helpless to rescue her, as Ihad already drank most of the Ricker's Red and couldn't even seestraight.

I forced the last drops of beer down her throat, hoping she wouldtoss up the bone, but it was too late. I carefully buried her in Gotham,placing a wreath of tangled bones around her frail, blue body. It was asad evening, but the meal was cheap and thus all was not lost.

CALENDAR

A wasteof space about useless events

Monty Python: The Next Generation:85 years after the events of the original'Flying Circus 1 took place, a new group oftalented comedians takes to the airwavesto go where comedy hasn't gone before. Inthis premiere episode, an ancient TerryGilliam makes a guest appearance as thelast surviving member of the original cast,urging the new funny people on to greaterglory.

Don't Tread On Me: Don Knous stars asthe principal of an inner-city high schoolwho also doubles as the schools' dopepusher. Todd Bridges and Bob Probert co-star as young hoods who look to take overKnotts' lucrative business. Directed bySpike Lee. .*

Phantom Of The Oprah: Set in the1920'5, Winfrey stars as the 360-poundghost who serves as the madam of abrothel set in Harlem. The Andrew LloydWebber/Stephen King penned musical hassuch show-stoppers as "Got Me A Woman(Now Get Me A Wet Nap 'N Stapler)","Ghost To Ghost Kinda Love" and "Blub-bin' 'N Flubbin' (Can Be Fun)". BenVerene and Nipsey Russel star as travell-ing Melba Toast salesmen.

Chicita - A Banana Split: The musicalbiography of the ill-fated banana who slepther way to the top during her heyday in theearly 70's. Starring Pia Zadora, theAndrew Lloyd Webber/Thomas Pynchoncollaboration details Chicita's fall fromgrace as top banana in hundreds of televi-sion commercials to a cocaine-addled BobDenver groupie. All revenue generatedfrom ticket sales go to the Chicita BananaFoundation for Wayward Fruit.

LOCAL

MuchMusic: Erica Ehm talks incessantly,Michael Williams reasserts his blacknessand Christopher Ward acts like thatsnivelling little kid you remember fromGrade 3 that you really wanted to beat up.Pathetic music is played in between.(Repeat)

The Al Strathdee Show: In this hilariousshow, set at a fictional small Ontario uni-versity called Dogpatch U„ Student Unionpresident Al Strathdee deals with hilariousmix-up after hilarious mix-up. In thisweek's episode, Al has to match wits withthe lovable but tight-fisted president ofDogpatch U. in his attempts to get fading

lor a handicapped washroom facility. DickVan Dyke stars as President Weir, MichaelJ. Fox as A 1 Strathdee, and Grover thehand puppet as Keith Donaldson. With aspecial guest appearance by RoseanneBarr as Michele Landsberg.Shine The Spotlight Over Here: In thisscrewball coincdy, three publicity-seekingpolitical science students named Curly,Larry and Moe (not to be confused withthe publicity-seeking sociology profs fromLook! No Panties!) get all pumped upwith self-righteous indignation and expressthe rights of the 'Silent Majority'. The fun-niest thing about this show is that the threemain characters have no sense of humour.

TSN Sports Spectacular - Mike Tyson v.Bruce Hodges: "Iron Mike" takes on*Bruce "The Mousse" Hodges at The SACMemorial Coliseum. Hodges' manager,Dr. Alex Murray, assures us "someone'sgoing to wind up with egg on their facebut it won't be us...uh, I mean him". LasVegas sets the odds 83-1 against Hodgesalthough the WLU Administration is back-ing him all the way.

TALK SHOWSThe Oprah-Donahue-Sally-Downey-So-Help-Me-God-It's-True Show: Happilymarried couples. Why it's ruining ourcountry and what can be done about it.

This Week with David Brinkley:Brinkley sits around in his Fruit 'o TheLooms sipping margaritas and breakingwind. Sam Donaldson does impersona-tions of 'Famous First Ladies and TheirJnderwear' while downing shots of WildTurkey. George Will doesn't notice.

jeraldo: Geraldo Riviera interviews his>enis. Focus: "Dialogue of the Self - Wartsmd All".

SITUATION COMEDIES

Royal Flush: This hilarious British com-edy, produced by the Benny Hill Group, isset in the bathroom at Buckingham Palace,where a bunch of lovable homeless chil-dren have set up shop in the cupboards.Benny Hill himself stars as the Queen,while the litde bald guy who always getsslapped on the back of the head stars asPrince Philip.

The Cosby Show: Cosby tires of theprecocious little brats he's sired and blowsthem all away with some sort of anti-aircraft device. His wife is then abusedwith Jello Pudding Pops until the aging co-median is dragged away by Kodak repre-sentatives.

Highway to Hell: Born-again SatanistMichacl Landon stars as Moloch, a happy-go-lucky devil of a guy who tempts soulsto their eternal damnation, laughing all thewhile. In this week's episode, Molochtempts fifteen old ladies and a nun down toeternal perdition.Irene Cara guest stars.

Al Strathdee (played by Michael J. Fox) la-ments over his latest exploits reported in theK-W Record in "Th;; Al Strathdee Show".

Cosby finally gets a hold of Theo andwrings the hell out of him on this show.

The K-W Wretched9 Thursday November 30, 1989.

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SportsCaught with tape

Ray AlbinoWrctched Staff

CiSports editor Mikey Lessmule555-JOCK, ext. CUP

Kitchener-Waterloo RecordThursday, November 30,1989

InsideWLU Golden Lady Hawk

soccer team found tobe using fembots Jl2

Wretched photographerMirko Webster was taking pic-tures of a cement wall at WLU inOctobcr when he accidentallycaught a snapshot of Gnikhtdressed up as a WLU coach leav-ing the Athletic Complex. Un-derneath the fiendish West Vir-ginian's arm is a stolen copy ofthe WLU game plan vs. Water-loo, with footage of WLUcoaches' meetings.

"He's been doing this sort ofthing ever since he left Laurier,"said WLU coach and formerfriend Rich Scarborough. "Firstof all, he left his desk in a realmess, then he left the Argos in areal mess, and now we find outthe only way those Furriers beatus this year was from his cheat-ing."

Gnikht showed no remorsewhen contacted by theWretched. "I've done it beforeand I'd do it again. It ain't over'til its over, and if we can't winone for the Gipper before the fatlady sings, we11..." Gnikht usedthe media coverage to announcethat WLU Sports InformationDirector Johann Crisco has beenhired on full-time for the Furriersas an assistant to Paul Condom,fuelling the suspicions of manythat Crisco had some hand in thelifting of the classified celluloid.

Crisco denied any part in thetheft.

"You just ask anybody...lhaven't done anything." Tele-phone interviews with athleticpersonnel confirmed the fact thatCrisco has yet to do anything atall this year. Fluffy heisting film from A.C. Mirko Webster photo

DigestLeafs say sorry

TORONTO (CP) - TorontoMaple Leaf forwards GaryLeeman and Ed Olcyk have de-cided that they will be passing thepuck to other teammates after theall-star break.

"I can't believe what somepeople will say to get their namesin the paper," said Leeman. "Theonly thing Eddie 0. and I read arethe stats pages, and you don't seeus complaining!"

Hamilton drowningHAMILTON (CP) - The city

of Hamilton is said to be thesource of one of the worst casesof flooding in Lake Ontario his-tory.

Anxious residents are said tobe pleading with Tiger-Cat CoachA 1 Bruno to stop crying about theofficiating in last weekend's 43-40 Grey Cup loss to Sas-katchewan. At press time, thewater level of the lake hadreached dangerous levels, and thesalt content had passed the re-quirements for an inland sea.

'89 All-Ugly TeamNEW YORK (AP) - People

Magazine has released its annualTop Ten Ugliest Athletes list for1989, and once again WWFwrestler Andre The Giant tops thelist.

The affable 7-foot, 500-lb.Frenchmen was unable for com-ment, but apparently withstood astrong challenge from aginghockey star Borje Salming.

This year's lucky winners in-clude:1. Andre The Giant

2. Borje Salming3. Mike Tyson4. Steve Balboni5. Martina Navratilova6. Hector Pothier7. Kurt Rambis8. Craig Stadler9. Skinny Minnie Miller10. the entire East Germanwomen's swim team

K-W soccer namedKITCHENER (Staff) -

Kitchener's new pro soccer fran-chise has just received word thatlocal industry giant Schnieder'shas committed sponsorship to theteam to the tune of $1 milliondollars per year.

The current "Name the Team"contest has been put on hold, asSchneider's CEO J.M. Smith hasnamed the team the Kitchener-Waterloo "Wieners".

Wiener hopeful Joe Formicawelcomes the funding injection,but is taking the name with apackage of salt.

"I never sausage a stupidname for a soccer team. The onlylink to K-W in the name isthrough the meatpacking plants.I'd like to tell the guy to stuff it,but I'd only get put through thegrinder at the first practice."

Cherry hit by puckAfter sustaining a near-fatal injury to the head by a puck

late last night at the Bruins/Canucks game, reknowned HockeyNight in Cananda analyst and all-round big mouth Don Cher-rypickcr announced that he is giving up wide-collared shirtsand loud ties for a more European look. Also mentioned in thestatement by the Exalted Rink Rat — "The rough stuff just hasgot to go in the NHL."

"It's all fun and games (high sticking, fighting and buttend-ing) until some one.loses an eye or something... worse." Hock-ey officials lauded the new attitude of Cherrypicker but hopedthat all of that would continue in the NHL. "That's really spe-cial of Don to say those things, but blood and violence are whatbring people into the arenas and we don't want it to stop," saidleague commissioner Brian Surray.

Close friends and relatives of Cherrypicker were astonishedby the change in his demeanour and liked it. "We had Don overfor dinner today and he didn't burp, fart, or insult anybody, itreally was a pleasant change," said Cherrypicker*s longtimecrony Raoul Treadway.

Doctors who examined Cherrypicker didn't find any ex-ternal contusions or abrasions to his head but they found thatCherrypicker's cranial bone is "a lot harder than mostpeoples'", according to surgeon James Hoffa. Hoffa added thatit was "pretty scary that his head didn't split like a coconut andooze white stuff."

Cherrypicker, in a statement to the press, complimented theEuropeans in the NHL in the way they played. He noted that "ifit wasn't for them there wouldn't be an NHL. Just look at theway they play, smooth and stylish, all they really care about isthe game. And you can't forget that before every game theyblow dry their hair just in case they have an interview betweenperiods, now if that isn't thoughtfulness then I don't knowwhat is."

Cherrypicker noted several players who could "play on histeam anytime" in his "all-Cherrypicker Team", similar to the"all-Madden team" of NFL fame. Tomas Sandstrom, BorjeSalming, Illka Sinisalo, Jarmo Millys and the unforgettableInge Hammerstrom were among the best chosen by Cher-rypicker. He noted that "Hammerstrom could go into thecorners with a dozen eggs and come out without any broken.Now that takes talent."

Doctors said Cherrypicker's condition didn't have a medicalname, but could draw similarities to when Fred Flintstone washit on the head with a bowling ball and changed into Frederick."We believe that Cherrypicker suffered a 'Flintstone-like' in-jury and that it may take another puck to the side of his head toreverse the condition."

"The ethical question now is: Do we really want to reverseit?"

Billiins

Who are these Hawks anyway?You can walk across the Wil-

frid Laurier University campus inabout two minutes, but you can'tjudge their sports teams in thatamount of time.

In fact, it would lake you a lotless time to say good things aboutLaurier's football, basketball,hockey and soccer teams. Take itfrom me -- I know. That's why Idon't go into great lengths everabout anything from Laurier.They are boring.

I mean, what the hell is aGolden Hawk? Some witheredbird covered in a toxic chemical?I'm not sure, and I don't want toknow.

Take the soccer teams for ex-ample. The men won the western

division and I didn't really care.The women won the Ontariocrown... and well I just plumforgot to write anything about thegame. Oh well, there is alwaysnext year. No big deal. Soccer isjust a silly sport played by abunch of crazy Europeansanyway. Who the hell wants towatch that? Everyone knows thatsoccer fans riot because the game

on the field is so boring, anyway.I'd rather watch a real sport, likeAmerican Gladiators or RollerGames, any day.

And the WLU footballteam...what a bunch of idiots.How could they play so miserab-ly this season? Not that I reallycare, but the loss to Waterloo wasgreat., oops, I mean...tragic. Bas-ketball, well, I would rather

watch the Waterloo Warriorsslam dunk a b-ball than watch theinept Golden Hawks fumblethrough the motions. Take theWarriors for example, now thereis real excitement. Go out andwatch the Warriors do anything.They have brains as well asbrawn. Lets face it Laurier, whichfootball team made it to theplayoffs this year?

Hmmmmm?

Editor's Note: We regret thatthis is Tom's last column for us,as he is joining Wilfrid LaurierUniversity as the Athletic Depart-ment's Public Relations Director.We' 11 miss you Tom — win oneforthe Gipper!

TomConalltheway

WLU FembotsRasta KittyWretched Staff

Cookie Leech, Director of Women's Athletics at Wilfrid LaurierUniversity shocked the sports world yesterday with a bizarre confes-sion. She admitted that certain members of (he Ontario championLady Hawk's soccer team were in fact fembot androids from theBionic Woman TV show.

The plan to use fembots is an old one, and has been secretly inplace for years. Ever since the robots first appeared on the BionicWoman the WLU Women's Athletic department, covertly obtainedthe blueprints to them, planning to use them on their soccer team.

Using secret labs hidden deep within the steaming bowels of theWLU campus seven fembots were created. In an amazingly wellorganized maneuver, the androids were placed within families whoagreed to be a part of the operation.

The families claimed the fembots as their own children, and oncethey finished high school the androids applied to and were admittedto Laurier. From there, it was a simple matter to get them on the soc-cer team, where with their robotically enhanced bodies and mindsthey were a great boon to the team. It was child's play to win theOntario championship after that.

"It worked like a dream," said Leech as they hauled her off to jail."We had it in the bag," cried the crushed Cookie, weeping and crum-bling into a police cruiser.

The androids functioned perfectly until the flight to Halifax forthe National Championship. Experts who analyzed the fembots im-mediately following the shocking admission determined that therewas something askew in their delicate circuitry that was thrown com-pletely out of whack by the high altitude encountered during theflight.

"It's the darndest thing," said expert Felix Silverman. "Amazingmachines, but they just can't fly. Good thing they weren't part of theWLU Skydiving Team or things would really have hit the fan. Not tomention the ground."

The soccer team's coach Syed Mohammed was shocked andamazed by the confession. "I'm shocked," he said. "And amazed.Cookie never told me anything. I thought they were just really goodsoccer players. Always thought it was kinda strange how they wouldnever eat anything, and they never slept a wink all through the trip tothe Nationals. Really good soccer players, though. Really good."

The names of the players who are fembots have not been releasedas of yet. Friends are warned, however, to be very careful around anyLady Hawk soccer player. As Jamie Sommers discovered, they canbe pretty mean when they want to be.

WLU President John Weir had the following to say about the af-fair: "I had nothing to do with it. I never approved of the proposal, soas far as I'm concerned it never happened. Besides, it's an athletic af-fair and it's not my place to get into these things. I just hope it doesn'ttarnish the good name reputation of WLU in the eyes of the com-munity."

WLU football star Rob Peneliuk was recently awarded the "Bud-weiser Top St.. Catherine's Athlete of the Year: Yugos-lavian/Hungarian Category". Here, Penteliuk receives his prizefrom Bud's great-grandson Buddy. Harvey Luong photo

Wretched photographer Mirko Websterovic went undercover to get this shot ofthe Lady Hawk soccer team heading out of the showers after a recent victory. Fem-bots or not? You be the judge!

The K-W Wretched12Thursday November 30, 1989.-

| SPORT TOURS PRESENTS* * 'I i'

A MIDDLE EAST SPORTS GETAWAY!*Stay 44 nights at the plush AMERICAN EMBASSY. • I*See where American Troops committed hari-kari on their Irescue mission. I

:f:Watch Isrealis bomb nuclear plants in Baghdad. I;*Play golf on specially desinged mine fcilds , with guest H

appearance by Ayatolla Assaholla. I*Watch oil tankers sink in the Persian Gulf as you play your Hfavorite beach sport. J I

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112 t I■I

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The Sceneat a glance

You can't depend on yourfamilyYou can't depend on yourfriendsYou can't depend on beginningYou can't depend on an endYou can't depend on intelligenceYou can't depend on a GodYou can only depend on one thingYou need a Busload offaith to get by

Lou Reed

NEWSMuchmusic presents Fine YoungCannibals Live on Saturday De-cember 30. Hot out of production,the special was filmed in SeattleOctober 30. Also, don't miss LouReed: The New York Album cap-tured live during his Theatre St.Denis concert in Montreal.Videofacl Concert - a Celebrationof Canadian Music Videochronicles the fifth anniversaryspecial from Montreal's Le Spec-trum, featuring Jane Siberry,Andrew Cash, Richard Seguin,Paul Piche and more.

A four-hour radio special Len-non: Ilis Last Interview will airacross North America Friday De-cember 8. The show is based onLennon's December 8, 1980 in-terview taped hours before hisdeath outside of his New Yorkapartment. Check local stationsfor limes.

EVENTS,'1'he WLU Symphony Orchestra

a special prc-Christmas.concert for members of the WLUcommunity November 30. Theshow will feature work by Sovietcomposer Dmitri Shostakovich inrecognition and celebration of thehistoric changes in the SovietUnion. The concert begins at 8:00pm at the Recital Hall; admissionis free.

The American Poetry Associa-tion's annual poetry contestcloses December 31. Poets mayenter the contest by sending sixpoems, each no more than 20lines, name and address on eachpage, to American Poetry Asso-ciation, Dept. CT-90, 250-APotrero St., P.O. Box 1803,Santa Cruz, CA 95061. Grandprize is $1000 and each poem isconsidered for publication in theAmerican Poetry Anthology.Entry is free and everyone is wel-come to enter.

Don't let the week pass withoutchecking out the ex-Pythoner EricIdle penned play Pass the Butlerat the Princess Cinema. The playcontinues tonight through Satur-day, showtime is at 7:00 pm.

IN CONCERTAleatloaf plays at his secondhome, Stages (the first being theHighlands) December 4.The Bcurbon Tabernacle Bandwill be at Phil's Grandson's PlaceDecember 6. Opening the showwill be local favourites GordieGordo and the G-Men.Look to the Highlands December8 for Allanah Myles.The Georgia Sattelites play atthe Highlands December 1.Stages presents former "metalqueen" Lee Aaron December 11,

THESCENEGreatness achieved inTwelfth NightJana Watson, Theatre Review

If music be the food of love, playon.

The abridged performance ofTwelfth Night at the Theatre ofthe Arts last Friday night was thebest thing I've seen in live dramain months. The cast were chosenfrom the senior drama classes atU of W and the major roles weredoubled for some of the charac-ters.

Twelfth Night is aShakespearian comedy full ofmistaken identities and un-requited loves. The story beginswhen a woman named Viola getsthrown off a ship that she is onwith her brother Sebastian. Theylose each other and she ends upon a shore facing, in the case ofthis abridged play, a jester namedFeste. To make a long story short,she disguises herself as a boy soshe can serve her love, the Duke.Unfortunately, the Duke loves an-other woman named Olivia, whodoesn't love him. As it turns out,when Olivia sees Viola (disguisedas a teen, remember) she falls inlove with him. Everything worksout in the end; Viola even findsher brother, ends up marry-ing Olivia, who really thought shewas marrying Viola disguised asa teen.

The play was abridged toshow the main action and thequick progression of mistakenidentities -a frequent occurrencein Shakespearian comedy. Partsof the play were switched aroundin their order, but I didn't realizethis until I went home and readthe play afterwards. Aside fromthis, the progression seemed natu-ral, though, except for another

major change: one of the maincharacters that played a linkthroughout, wasn't actually pres-ent in the original play. Feste, thecharacter in question, was basedon a compilation of characters,and his speaking parts were justtaken from other minor charactersthat were basically plot devices.The actor, Sean Saunders, playedwell the role of a unifying clown(sound familiar with theShakespeare thing again?)

Three performances stood outabove the rest on Friday. Mal-volio, servant to Olivia, wasplayed by Anthony Bristow. Hisvoice, an affected and pompousone, was perfect for the part. Theability to play the straight manwhen he was actually the objectof everyone's jokes was hilarious.His staid, unshakeable mannerwas priceless. The scene when hepresents himself, previously dourand judgmental, as a mistakenlyencouraged love-sick suitor toOlivia was the most memorableof the evening. He played it forall it was worth.

The Duke (Orsinio) was per-formed by Michael Albert. Thedecadence and laziness of thenobleman was expressed wellthrough body language and voice.However, at times he deliveredlines as though he knew he wouldget a laugh, which took awayfrom the performance.

The other performances weregood, but not particularlymemorable. It's possible, though,that this could have more to dowith the parts themselves than theactual performances.

Some are born great, someachieve greatness, and some havegreatness thrust upon them.

A satisfying ResultSteve Burke, Concert Review

Last Tuesday at Taps, local "garage" band The Result played anenergetic and eclectic double-set show to open for Doc Tokyo. Withinfluences comprising Led Zeppelin, U2, The Sex Pistols, SimpleMinds and The Cure, band members Dave Flitton (guitars, vocals),Mark Lehman (drums) and Mike Pond (bass) delivered anenthusiastic hour of original music, ending with a cover of TheClash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go".

In its current form, the band has been a unit for 3 years, and hasbecome more serious about its future since third member and bassistMike joined the group. With approximately 50 original songs written,The Result is ready to prove itself to audiences in the local area."We also do covers, as long as they're fun, and the audience likesthem. But you can't do covers exactly like they appear on records.That's boring, and a waste of money for the audience. I think it's bet-ter to have a band do an interpretation of a song", insists band spokes-man Dave Flitton, a WLU alumnus and currently a grade 8 teacher inKitchener.

"We're quite diverse in terms of musical styles...folk, spanish,rock, acoustic", Flitton continued. "We also play some 50's and 60'smaterial". When asked about lyrical influences, Flitton suggested thatthe process of matching words to music was less dictated by externalinfluences than simply the mood of the band. "We write the musicfirst, then the lyrics, so the words often become less important thanthe emotions evoked by the music", Flitton explained. "I tend to writemost of the lyrics, whereas we all collaborate musically, making thesongs a fusion of our own influences, tastes, and abilities. The songsare usually about relationships, but not John Cougar-type stories.They are about the emotions behind the stories", he stressed.

The two sets played at Taps proved to be a good indication of thediversity behind the band's talented musicianship. After

Erikson brings them backJ. Tyler Leatherland, ConcertReview

Saturday night Cliff Eriksonplayed to a full house at Wilf'sonce again demonstrating hisability to captivate his audience.Cliff has been playing Laurierlonger than he can remember. "Ireally love Laurier, and I don'texpect anything less than an ex-cited crowd.", he said when askedabout a pretty wild crowd alongthe bench.

He played two sets -- Cliffstyle. Starting off with "We'reGonna Have Some Fun Tonite",he immediately grasped thecrowd and soon had us singingalong with him.

Or was it just the effects ofthe beer? He made use of thetipsy crowd by having would-beLaurier talent on stage singing(yeah, right!) along with him.

His repertoire of songs in-

eluded most of the classics —

Harry Chapin and Billy Joel toname a few. However he playedthem with his own style frequent-ly interjecting his bizarre guitarplaying ability.

It is Cliff's talent to involvethe crowd in his work that is thesource of his success. Most of thecrowd consisted of people whohad seen him play before andwanted to see him again. It is thisability to bring them on back thatkeeps Cliff going.

Maybe the fact that his per-formance was short which marredmy ability to enjoy him more.Much to my dismay, the Wilf'sstaff saw fit to boost the lightsafter his last set and not allow anencore.

All in all, I think thai CliffErikson is one of the better acts tocome on campus this year. It wasthe pcrfect way to spend an eve-ning chatting with friends, drink-ing and singing along with Cliff.

CliffErikson plays the classics at Wilf's.

The Cord Weekly25 Thursday November 30, 1989.

MORE ON PAGE 27

An Ounce of ReceptionBy Steve Burke

We are at the modest mansionof the Fluxtable family. Mr. Flux-table is a self-made millionaire,who pioneered the ear-cheesemuffin, and knocked over severalneighbourhood conveniencestores. Mrs. Fluxtable is bare-chested and pregnant. Their el-dest son, D.T., a born-again drugaddict and part-time Oriental, iscoming home from synchronizedswimming practice, as he meetshis younger sister, YoungerSister, on the doorstep. Thev en-

ter the house together, like abrother and sister should.

D.T.: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.Mr. F: Hey, son.Mrs. F: Sit down, kids, and whileI make supper, you can pour outall your troubles, because we'vegot nothing better to talk about,and your dad and I have spent somuch time this afternoon makingourselves look presentable.

Mr. F: Hey, Younger Sister, slideyour butt over to this side of the'table so that the camera can seeall of our faces.D.T.: Dad, I found this wallet in alocker at school today. Should Ireturn it?Younger Sister: Mom, this boyat school really likes me. Should 1sleep will) him?D.T.: Dad, I cheated on my cook-ing exam. Should I tell myteacher?Younger Sister: Mom, there's aparly tonight and there's going tobe delicious alcoholic beverages,soothing cigarettes and relaxingcrack there. Should I innocentlywalk over there, remaining totallyoblivious to the illegal activitiesthat surround me? Or can I bor-row the car?D.T.: Dad, my friends think Ihave homosexual tendencies.Mr. F: Move your chair down abit, son.Younger Sister: Mom, where dobabies come from?Mrs. F: Well, younger sister,they are the creation of screen-writers who have run out ofstorylines and foolishly think thatan extra character in an alreadyinnane sit-com can somehow en-hance the overall quality of theproduction. Oh, we're at the 23minute mark of the show, thattime alotted for the words of wis-dom from the head of the family-who, in typical sexist fashion, justhappens to be the father.Mr. F: Just be yourself, kids.KIDS: (together, with a sigh, and ■pretending he said something jprofound, yet both realize he's an iuneducated, crass pig who putsthe family to shame) That wasnice, dad. We're both so glad tohave a dad like you.

All smile as the theme song;about being the best you can be in ja cruel and indifferent world idevoid of fareness and compas-sion booms over the soundtrack.

The Cord WeeklyPage 26 Thursday November 30, 1989

[The Twistis thesizeofan airplanehanger...

The Cord WeeklyPage 24 Thursday November 23, 1989.

I Feizal Valli, Concert Review

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opening with the blues-luce "FedUp", The Result proviucd a com-bination of acoustic and rockpieces, intertwined with the 50's-swingish "Love's Been Blue" andthe Caribbean-sounding "I'mYours Tonight". The acousticnumbers, such as "Lack of Faith",showcased each bandmember'sabilities as emotional song-writers; some of the faster andheavier material emerged in thesongs "Miss You Dear" and"You've Got a Problem Now", al-lowing each member to expresshis instrumental talent. Particular-ly interesting was the song"Every Day", in which bassistMike Pond relieved Flitton of hisvocal duties, allowing theguitarist to display some im-pressive dexterity with hisfretwork. "We're trying to getMike to sing more, but he onlysang that song so Dave didn'thave to", the drummer noted.

The future of the band ispromising. "We should have ourthird demo tape done this sum-mer. We practiced a lot last year,so now we only need to practiceonce a week. But there's not toomany places in K-W that wel-come live bands. I guess if wehad a manager, besides myself,then someone could find usplaces to play", Flitton remarked."We're a garage band, becausewe play original material. Thenagain, we're not a garage bandbecause we know how to play ourinstruments".

Reaching the endby Steve Burke

IJ Fill in the answers to the quiz below and drop them off in the box at the

I Cord offices by 2:00 Friday. The entry with the most correct answers| will receive two free passes to The Princess Cinema. Playing this weekend:| Drowning by Numbers

| 1. The Doors' "The End" is featured on what war film soundtrack?

2. The Last Waltz depicts the end of what band's career?3. What is the name of the band in the parody The Last Polkal

4. How old was Pu Yi when he was taken from his home in The LastEmperor?5. The director of The Last Emperor also created Last Tango in Paris. Whatis his name?6. What is the name of the 10-year-old boy in The Neverending Story?

7. What is Burt Reynolds trying to do in the comedy The End?8. Who directed The Last Picture Show?9. What is the occupation of Emil Jannings' character in the silent classic TheLast Laugh?10.Who, star of The Abyss, The Right Stuff, and Walker, plays the D.A. in theHBO-produced The Last Innocent Man?

Name: Phone:

in the event that there is more than one set of correct answers, a draw will be held by theScene editor. Results will be posted in the Cord office and in next week's issue.

Answers to last week's quiz:

1. Jeff Healey 6. Hollywood2. the Jitterbugs 7. a motorhome3. red 8. The Sure Thing4. Bob Hope & 9. rosebushes

Bing Crosby 10. the Children of5. a lawyer Paradise

Last week's winner of a one year membership to the Princess Cine-ma: Mary-Lou Spencer

The Cord Weekly27 Thursday November 30, 1989.

Get the ResultCONTINUED FROM PAGE 25

Sour MashBlues BandIf you haven't seen them it will be the

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Turn the volume up to eleven

11The SmithereensEnigma Records

New Jersey's Smithereenshave put out possibly one of theyear's best albums with 11. It istheir third LP, following the suc-cess of last year's Green

Thoughts and their 1986 debutEspecially For You.

Tracks like "Girl Like You"and "Blues Before and After" areguaranteed to make little childrencry and pregnant women miscarrywhile songs like "Blue Period"lire sad reminders of lost romanceand dead budgies.

Guitarist Jim Babjak beats hisinstrument like a man possessedby his house pets and singer PatDiNizio croons and hollers as ifhis goatee is on fire for the dura-tion of the recording.

And, as if that wasn't enough,there arc two additional reasonswhy you should run, jog, hop orslither to your local record storeto buy this album: for one, babe-of-all-babes Belinda Carlisle

sings on it, and for another, it'stitle comes from the best filmever made, Spinal Tap.

So, as Nigel Tufnal says, "Butthis one goes to eleven..."

• Feizal Valli

Save YourselfMcAuley-Schenker GroupCapitol Records

Michael Schenker has time

and time again demonstrated hissuperior guitar-playing abilities insuch bands as the Scorpions,UFO, and the original MichaelSchenker Group.

In 1987 the German guitaristteamed up with Irish vocalistRobin McAuley to form a newMSG, and they released PerfectTiming. Just one album later,MSG has progressed immenselywith Save Yourself.

Robin McAuley has the kindof voice that sounds strangely fa-miliar yet eludes you. On sometracks, namely "Bad Boys", hesounds much like Ronnie JamesDio, But McAuley's own uniquestyle shines through in others,such as "What We Need" and"Shadow of the Night."

The lyrics are average, andbasically about life as a performer

and love from a rock n' roll pointof view. What is lacking in thelyrics is made up for by the depthof the guitar work. Schenkerdoesn't hesitate to show off hissmoking guitar riffs in any of the12 songs (that's including abonus track on CD and cassette)on Save Yourself, but the titletrack is particularly good, featur-ing a guitar intro that rivals EddieVan Halen's "Eruption". Also im-pressive are the melodic ballad,"Anytime", and a short in-strumental that bears a longname, "There has to be AnotherWay".

With second guitarist SteveMann, who also provides the verysparse keyboards, Save Yourselfis definitely an ideal album fordie-hard guitar lovers.

- Tom Szeibel

28Thursday November 30,1989.The Cord Weekly

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SPORTSDopson, Puhalski shine in wins

By Leslie LamersCord Weekly

OUAA action in Kingston lastweekend upped the HawkeyHawks' record to 9-1-0 as theyovertook Queen's 6-1 andtomahawked the RMC Redmen10-0.

WLU 6, QUEEN'S 1The Hawks took a quick start

in Friday's game against theGolden Gaels, played at JockHarty Arena in Kingston, withLarry Rucchin notching an early

goal. A trio of Hawks roundedout the first period scoring —

Brent Bywater scored on a powerplay, Pete Choma blasted a low,hard shot between the goalie'slegs, and Mike Maurice added agoal - to end the first period 4-0Hawks.

Intensity was lost in the sec-ond, with Ruchin taking an injurythat left him out of Saturday'sgame. Rookie Scott Driscollnetted a 40-foot wrist shot highinto the net for the GoldenHawks' only score of the period.

The WLU shutout bid wassnapped with 5 minutes left in theperiod.

Peter Hellstrom found themark in the third period as aresult of the Hawks' intenseforechecking and the game endedin a 6-1 Laurier win. The Gaelsdropped to 2-6 on the year withthe loss.

WLU 10, RMCOLaurier goalie Rob Dopson

recorded his first shutout of theseason Saturday night, kickingout 21 shots on net by the Red-men.

Unfortunately for the Red-men, their goalkeeper could notmatch Dopson's performance, asthe purple and gold hammered 50shots at the RMC pipes. MikeMaurice led the scoring chargewith four goals, with GregPuhalski potting two goals andadding six assists. Dan Rintche,Warren, Driscoll and Choma alsofound success.

From Puhalski's first powerplay goal onward, the Hawksshowed disciplined play. DispiteRucchin being out and the Red-men's strong first period, theHawks played the body very well.RMC's frustration was evident,with much verbal slander beingpassed throughout the game. Dis-ciplined play created goal scoringopportunities, with the Hawkstaking five goals on power plays.

Coach Wayne Gowingseemed pleased with the team,commenting that "We'd like to be10 and 1 by Christmas". TheHawks played five good periodsof hockey where they skated,checked, created scoring op-portunities and maintained dis-cipline well. Who's next? Ryer-son. The team travels to faceRyerson Friday night, with thegame starting at 7:45.

Dopper the stopper has smothered all but two pucks pergame this season to lead the OUAA. Pat Mitchell photo

What happens when the hockey team plays in King-ston and the sports editor is in Hamilton? File photosof #24, who looks like a guy we recognize, but don'twant to take a chance. Pat Mitchell photo

OUAA SCORING RACEGreg Puhalski WLU 9-21-30Mike Maurice WLU 16-12-28Tony Crisp Waterloo 14-10-24Timlannone McGill 9-11-20Mike Choma WLU 10-9-19John Goodman Ryerson 9-10-19JimLuciuc UQTR 7-12-19

OUAA TOP GOALIESRob Dopson WLU 2.00Mike Bishop Waterloo 2.11Jamie Reeve McGill 3.14Robert Desjardins Concordia 3.43Willie Popp York 3.60

THE ALL-TIMESCORING LEADERSDenis Castonguay Laurentian 124-141-265Rick Mastroluisi McMaster 111-150-261Steve Monteith Toronto 102-147-249Ken Minello Windsor 113-125-238Grey Bullen McMaster 98-134-232Don McLaughlin Toronto 85-136-221Steve Molaski RMC 76-129-205Paul Stothart Queen's 103-101-204Steve Linseman Waterloo 78-129-197George Chan Toronto 93-98-191Mike Todd Toronto 65-125-190Andre Hidi Toronto 91-98-189Paul Laurent Toronto 95-91-186x-Greg Puhalski WLU 75-111-186MikeTomlak Western 70-116-186

x-still active

CIAU HOCKEY TOP TEN1) Calgary 6) Alberta2) Wilfrid Laurier 7) Waterloo3) York 8) Western Ontario4) Manitoba 9) St. Thomas5) Moncton 10) UQTR

Volleyists to 3-3Chris DoddCord Weekly

The Wilfrid Laurier Golden Hawks men's vol-leyball tarn leaped into action on Thursday night asthey rolled into the gym of the Brock Badgers andproceeded to roll over the Badgers in three straightgames. The Hawks disposed of the opposition inJess than fourty-three minutes and Coach DonSmith emptied the bench and let everyone get in onthe action. The extremely weak Brock squad wasoverpowered 15-7, 15-6, 15-4 by the boys in gold,as the team seemed to get stronger as the matchwent on.

"The whole team played well," explained as-sistant coach Steve Davis. "It's hard to single oneguy out above another." The win ties the team forthird place and lifts their record to a respectable 3-3on the season.

The team was also busy on the weekend as theytraveled to Guelph for the Guelph Invitational withfifteen other teams. The guys were optimistic head-ing into the tournament but things just didn't gotheir way. The Hawks lost a hearlbreaker to U of Tin their first match and this would set the tone forthe rest of the tournament.

The team found itself in the consolation roundfacing Michigan State. Coach Smith decided toplay the second string team, and the result was aloss to a weaker squad.

"We were capable of beating Michigan State,"said Davis.

The next team faced was Ryerson, a team theHawks had already beaten this year, but midwaythrought the second game disaster struck. VeteranAndy Fenton went down with a sprained ankle, andwithout his hitting power, WLU was defeated byRyerson and finished a disappointing 15th overall.

"It was tough to lose Andy," said Davis, "be-cause he was playing well for us." Fenton is slatedlo return to action after the break. The team is wel-coming the rest that the Christmas break will pro-vide as they don't play again until January 6th. Thevolleyball Hawks are essentially where they wantedto be at this point of the season, and they have theirsights set on second place after the break.

"We would like to come back and pick upwhere we left off," said Davis as the team looksforward to a trip to the playoffs. The squad plays itsnext home game on the 12th of January against theWestern Mustangs. It promises to be an excitingmatch that will not disappoint.

The Cord Weekly29 Thursday November 30, 1989.

Golden Hawk WrapupLady V-Ballers1-2 at tourney

no league games sched-uled last week, the Lady Hawkscompeted in the Guelph Invita-tional on Friday, playing Torontoin their first match. Unfortunatelythey lost the opener 3-1, butbounced back lo crush SenecaCollege 3-0 in their second game.The up and down Hawks werethen defeated 3-1 by Queen's inthe consolation final.

The women resume leagueplay this Tuesday at Brock andThursday at McMaster.

Squash startsThe women's varsity squash

team began competition last Sat-urday hosting the West I Sec-

tional including Western, Water-loo and McMaster. With only tworeturning players from last year'ssquad, the young Lady Hawkswent winless throughout thetourney. The team is looking for-ward to its next competition, across-over meet at McMaster onJanuary 20th and 21st.

Lady RoundballThe Lady roundballers con-

tinued exhibition play last Satur-day hosting Queen's. Without in-jured point guard Dayna Perry,the Lady Hawks were defeated54-52. Janis Field led the waywith 16 points as Coleen Ryanand Sue Little added 10 pointseach.

The women do not play againuntil December 30th at the Ryer-son Invitational.

Skaters figure wellThe women's figure skating

team had their first competition

of the season last Saturday atWestern. The team coached byTherese O'Connor finished 6thout of eight schools. LuraineMinken was the top skater com-ing second in the Sr. B singlesevent. In-her Sr. Solo DanceKristine Nichol took 4th place,and in the team isolated moves'the Lady Hawks finished 4th.

Next competition will be heldJanuary 19th at York.

Six RugbyHawks named

The Division II championWLU Golden Hawk rugby squadplaced six players on thedivisional all-star team that wasnamed recently. Gord Young(#8), Jamie Dol (lock), DougPurdy (Wing Forward), ChrisRoss (Scrum Half), Dan Howe(Wing), and lan Allison(Fullback) were the Hawksnamed to the OUAA Division IIAll-Star Team.

The Cord Weekly30Thursday November 30, 1989. —

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Hazuks-of-the-WeekGREG PUHALSKI

Veteran centre Greg Puhalski from Thunder Bay had 10 points intwo victories last weekend in being named WLU's Male Athlete-of-the-Week. Puhalski had two goals and six assists in Saturday's 10-0win at RMC and two assists in Friday's 6-1 win at Queen's.

LURAINE MINKENThird year figure skater Luraine Minken took 2nd place in the Sr.

B singles event at the Western Invitational last weekend to earnLady-Hawk-of-the-Week honours. The psychology major fromBrantford was also part of the team isolated moves that finished 4th.

I WIN $50 WLllgyj Cheap jDesign a new logo for your Students' ChriStlllSSUnion and win $50 for your efforts. \ &,r \ Oi. yri T\C TThe Students' Union needs a new logo - a logo that will \ VjVJ* \ & •

show the students what WLUSU is and what the \ *1 I \ 1acronym stands for. In the past, many comments have *T)0 c c I "\T Q Qbeen made about Laurier's Student Government; mainly ? "■" «/ t-JtF VV/li I/O- what do they do with our money? People sometimes donot realize that WLUSU stands for the Students' Union cit the Info Centre.and therefore anything "branded" by this logo does not NOW VOU have no eXCUSeS tO avoid Sendingconvey the message that the Students' Union actually

.

provided the event or service. For example did you know tllOSe CmlStHlclS C<U*QS!that your Student Union rims the campus bars, thegames room, the T.V. lounge, most student activities,your health plan, legal resources and more? Alcr* of VPrliiPO/1

Some suggestions have been made to actually .TVIOU dl> X CU.ULCU. X a tCO*

include the words Students' Union in the logo. Decide "Rn c 4*lptafc TVfcY'rfcYl iT%yourself. Be creative and actually develop a logo that J3V1.0 IILKc I/O l/U AUX UlllUjwill convey the desired message to the students. 1n^lcinrl TTciTVl"iH"nTl

The contest closes on Friday January 19th, 4:30 dlliX llallllltUpm. Drawings can be submitted to the Student Union

_ „. . t

offices, second floor S.U.B. next to the T.V. lounge. The Getting you home for the holidays!only restrctions are that no one can submit drawings thathave been designed on WLUSU or WLUSP computers. ,

\

the SCORESOYVIAA Basketball

Results:Brock 71, Waterloo 54

OUAA Hockey East

Results:Ryerson 4, Toronlo 2McGill 5, Brock 4Ryerson 5, Concordia 4LAURIER 6, Queen's 1Brock 8, Concordia 5

Waterloo 4, Queen's 0Concordia 3, Guelph 2Laurenlian 4, York 2Guelph 5, McGill 3Toronto 11, Laurentian 3

OUAA Hockey West

Results:McGill 5, Brock 4LAURIER 6, Queen's 1LAURIER 10, RMC 0Brock 8, Concordia 5Guelph 5, McGill 3

Toromo ! 1, Laurentian 3Waterloo 4, Queen's 0Concordia 3, Guclph 2Waterloo 10, RMC 1Laurentian 4, York 2

Upcoming Games:LAURIER atßyerson (Fri. Dec 1, 7:45 pm)

OUAA Volleyball

Results:Waterloo 3, Guelph 0LAURIER 3, Brock 0Waterloo 3, Windsor 0

OWIAA Volleyball

Results:Waterloo 3, Guelph 0Brock 3, McMaster 0Western 3, Waterloo 1

The Cord Weekly31Thursday November 30, 1989.

Team GP W L T F APtsLakchead 2 2 0 0125117 4Brock 1 1 0 0 71 54 2Western 0 0 0 0 0 0 0LAURIEK 0 0 0 0 0 0 0Windsor 0 0 0 0 0 0 0Guelph 0 0 0 0 0 0 0Waterloo 1 0 1 0 54 71 0McMaster 2 0 2 0117125 0

Team GP W L T F A PisYo?k 9 7 1 1 50 27 15Ryerson 9 5 4 0 39 46 10UQTR 8 4 3 1 35 31 9McGill 10 4 5 1 44 36 9OiLawa 10 4 5 1 39 42 9Toronto 9 4 5 0 38 43 8Concordia 9 3 6 0 28 34 6Queen's 9 2 7 0 26 46 4

Team GP W L T F APtsLAURIER 10 9 1 0 81 20 18Waterloo 9 7 2 0 48 19 14Western 8 5 1 2 37 31 12Brock 9 4 4 1 44 52 9Guelph 9 4 5 0 40 37 8Windsor 9 4 5 0 33 33 8Laurentian 11 3 8 0 40 79 6RMC 11 1 10 0 33 79 2

Team GP W L F A PtsWaterloo 6 6 0 18 2 12Western 4 3 1 10 6 6LAURIER 6 3 3 13 11 6Windsor 6 3 3 10 12 6McMaster 6 3 3 9 13 6Guelph 5 14 8 12 2Brock 5 0 5 3 15 0

Team GPW L F APtsBrock 7 5 2 18 8 10Windsor 4 4 0 12 1 8McMaster 5 3 2 11 10 6Wesiern 4 2 2 6 9 4Waterloo 5 2 3 10 9 4Lakehead 4 1 3 6 11 2LAURIER 4 1 3 4 9 2Guelph 5 14 3 13 2

I JSf --SSI . \3*mMi& 'iM JFwtk: MU Jv , ■ t i

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Snow's All-Decade WLU Sports TeamsBy Chris StarkeyCord Weekly

Since this is the last Cord of the decade, the sports departmenthas decidcd to come out with the All-Eighties team. And since I havebeen around for half of it, the sports editor nominated me to do thecompilation of names -- some familiar, some not -- that you see here.

In some cases, I talked to coaches and players of former years, inothers, I guesstimated from popular AC folklore and back issues' ofthe Cord. Since the team's are considered to be the decade's bestplayers with only one or two years at WLU are less likely to befound.

HOCKEY1ST TEAM

C Greg PuhalskiRW Beric SykesLW Tim GlencrossD Eric CalderD Rob WhistleGK Terry Thompson

2ND TEAM

C Terry McCutcheonRW Dave BantonLW Paul RoantreeD Joel LevesqueD Welf RellingerGK Steve Bienkowski

FOOTBALLOFFENCE

C Brian BrecklesOL Rod ConnopOL ToddTurnbullOL Mike ChomaOL Kris KeillorSB Doug ReidSB Paul NastasiukWR Ken EvraireWR Joe NastasiukFB Luc GerritsenRB Andy CecchiniQB Rod Philp

DEFENCEDL Veron StiiiadisDL Dave ShouldiceDL Bill MaddenLB Alex TroopLB Dave KohlerLB Rich PayneLB Neil OstromHB Geoff BelangerHB Dave LovegroveHB Norbert IsaacsHB Rohan DoveHB Barry Quarrell

K Steve RaineyP Ken Evraire

MEN'S SOCCERF Roy AbrahamF Kevin AdamsF Rich SutterF Frank AnagnostopoulosSW Peter GilfillanST Paul Scholtz

MF Scott FraserMF Barry McLeanMF Lyndon HooperFB Joe FormicaFB Dave MurrayGK Eymbert Vaandering

MEN'S BASKETBALLC- Chuck Klassen

F- Mark PolischukF- Bob Fitzgerald

G- Steve FordenG- Tony Marcotuliio

MEN'S VOLLEYBALLS Dan WagarPH Mike MoffatPH Tom Laurence

WH Steve DavisMB Larry RourkeMB Doug Wilson

WOMEN'S SOCCERF Marg ChurchillF TaniaßusynykF Loreen PauloF Lisa FeeSW Blair Fowlie

MF Laura FarrerMF EdnaChuMF TraceyMatsonFB Nena OrescaninFB Heather Purdy

GK Sue Wilson

WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALLS Marg MizuikPH- Carol StewartPH- Allison McGee

WH- Ruth HirtleMB- Cathy HallMB- Debbie Whatmore

WOMEN'S BASKETBALLC- Catherine Foulon

F- Sue LittleF- Sue O'Brien

G- Ann WeberG- Kris Peel

1982-83 Hawkey Team, best WLU squad of the 80's(with the '87 soccer Hawks a close second).

THE Football QuizBy Chris Starkey

(all records refer to the "modern era", being 1971 to present)

1. Which trophy has a Laurier Golden Hawk been awarded in 7of the14 years of its existence?2. Since 1971, only Western has a winning record versus the GoldenHawks (21-10). Which team has had the next best record?3. WLU posted a 78-15 win, then was shelled 65-8 by this OUAAteam in the span of three years. Name it.4. What is the combined score in WLU/Waterloo games the past sixyears? (regular season)5. What was the most lopsided Laurier win?6. What is the only non-OUAA school to have recorded more thanone win against the Hawks?7. Which Laurier quarterback/receiver duo combined for the longestpass play in OUAA history?8. A Wilfrid Laurier punt returner is in the OUAA record books formost yardage and most touchdowns in one season. Who is he?9. Which WLU running back still holds the single season rushingrecord of 1078 yards?10. Three Golden Hawks are among the top six in scoring in OUAA

history. Name them.

THE STUMPER:The only 300-yard rushing game in the history of the OUAA came atthe expense of the Golden Hawk defence. Name the player.

answers1iheNormMarshallTrophyforOUAArookieoftheyear

2.theWindsorLancers(7-15-2)3.theWindsorLancers,thewincamein1978,thelossin19754.'170-165.WLU90,York15in19746.ÜBCThunderbirds,whowonthe1978and1987CIAUsemi-final

gamesvs.Lauricr7.RodPhilptoKenEvraire106yardsvs.Waterlooin19878.PaulBennett9.JimRcid

10.JerryGuyles(218,3rd),JimReid(200,sth)andSteveRainey(196,6th)

THESTUMPER:BlakeMarshall,Westerninthe1981playoffs

The Cord WeeklyPage 32 Thursday November 30,1989. "