Seneca the Younger: The Apocolocyntosis “The Pumpkinification of Claudius”

Lucius Annaeus Seneca “the Younger” was regarded in his lifetimeas Rome’s greatest writer and philosopher and a leading writer of theSilver Age of Roman Literature thereafter. His father was a famedphilosopher who made sure all his sons had a fine education andpeculiarly named them all Lucius – but with different cognomina (Seneca,Mela, and Gallio). Seneca aspired to reach the top of society andbecame too friendly with Julia Livilla, sister of the emperor GaiusCaligula. The emperor considered executing Seneca, but heard hesuffered from asthma and left him to die on his own. Instead Senecaoutlived Caligula, but he soon irritated the new emperor and empress –Claudius and Messallina. Messallina persuaded Claudius to banishSeneca to Corsica, for which Seneca always bore him a grudge. Afterthe fall of Messallina, Agrippina the Younger (another sister ofCaligula) persuaded Claudius to recall Seneca and to hire him to teachher son, Domitius Ahenobarbus, whom Claudius adopted and renamedClaudius Nero. Allegedly Seneca dreamed he was teaching Caligula thenight before he met Nero. When Claudius died, Nero succeeded and as agesture of pietas asked the Senate to deify Claudius (make him a god).This anonymous work soon circulated to ridicule Claudius. According towhat the late Dr. Charles Murgia told me, the Latin style is so similarto Seneca’s other works that either he wrote it, evening the score onClaudius for his banishment or the author really knows Seneca’s stylewell.

APOCOLOCYNTOSISI wish to hand down to posterity’s memory those things

which occurred in the heavens on 13 October most recently,

the beginning of the most happy age. Neither prejudice nor

favor will enter the account. Whence I know those true

things then if someone asks, to begin with I will not have

been unwilling I will not answer. Who compels me? I know I

was made free from the day which he left, he who made the

proverb true, one ought to be born a king or a fool. If it

is permitted to answer, I would say whatever will come in my

mouth. Who even forced witnesses from a historian?

Nevertheless if it was necessary to produce an authority let

it be sought from the man who saw Drusilla coming into

heaven; the same man would say he saw Claudius making a

journey, “With unequal steps.”1 He wishes, he wishes not,

it is unnecessary for him to see all that happens in heaven;

he is keeper of the Appian Way, by which you know the divine

Augustus and Tiberius Caesar went to the gods. If you

interrogate he will tell you to you alone he will make no

word face to face with many. Now in the Senate he swore he

saw Drusilla going up to heaven and then on behalf of his

good news no one believed what he saw he affirmed with

joined words that he will not swear, even if saw a man

killed in the middle of the forum. From him I have heard

these things then, I attest clear and plain, then as I would

hold his wealth and happiness.

Now Phoebus with shorter path and dreamer his bow of

light and the times of dark night were growing, and how

victorious Cynthia was ruling her realm and defamed winter

was seizing the favored honors of divine autumn, and by

order Bacchus ought age and the vintage was gathering the

rare grapes.

1A swipe at Livius Geminius, a senator who claimed he saw Drusillabecome a god (Dio 59.11) to curry favor with Caligula just as JuliusProculus had claimed to see Romulus as the god Quirinus (Liv. 1.16).Since Claudius was lame (he may have had cerebral palsy) this is a jabat his handicap.

I think it is more understandable if I will say the month

was October, the day the 13th. I can not tell you the exact

hour, it is easier to coincide among philosophers than

clocks, but nevertheless it was between the 6th and 7th hour.

Very rustic! All poets agree not content to describe the

rising and setting of the sun, as they even disturb the

middle of the day, ‘twas will you walk into so good an hour?

Already Phoebus devised the mid root by cart and nearer

to right he shook the weary reigns, heading the flexible

light to the oblique slope:

3 Claudius began to shoulder his spirit nor could he come

to an end. Then Mercury, who always had been pleased with

his wit, drew aside on of the Parcae2 and said: Most cruel

woman, how can you endure to torment this wretched nurse?

Not ever can he, crucified end this for so long a time? He

is 64 years old – from which he breathed with a spirit. At

what are you envious of him and the state? Suffer the

astrologers to tell someone the truth, who about him, from

the time he became princeps, every year, every month carried

him out. And nevertheless it is no wonder if they are

mistaken and on one knows his hour; no one even ever though

he was born. Do because it must be done: Kill him, a

better man will rule without emptiness in his court.”

But Clotho answered, “By Hercules I was wishing to add

for him a tiny bit more time, until he will give citizenship

2The Parcae are the Fates.

to those few who stood out (he decided to see the whole,

wide world wearing the toga – Greeks, Gauls, Spaniards,

Brittons) but since it pleases you to have a few outsiders

in the seed and you order it to Crappler, let it be done.”

Then she opened her box and brought out three spindles: one

for Auyurinus, another for Baba, and the third Claudius.

These 3 she says I order to die in one year in departing

intervals divided by little time nor will I dismiss him

unattended. It should not be that he who saw so many 1000s

of men following, 50 many preceding so many crowding, to

suddenly leave him alone. He will be content meanwhile at

these companies.

4 She said these things and rolling the threads to his

ugly spindle, she broke the royal time of life of that

blockhead. But Lachesis, binding her locks, combing her

hairs, crowning her forehead with Pierian laurel, lifts to

from the shiny white wool with a happy moderating hand,

those threads made a new color. The sisters admire those

thoughts; the wool is changed from low quality to pretty

metal they observed the golden ages in a lovely line, there

is no limit, they spin the happy fleece and they rejoice to

fill their hands, these are sweet thoughts; suddenly it

hurries the work and with labor, the threads descend with

the spindle into a contorted heap, now he performs his

thoughts. The song holds back their intentions and he

discusses their labor. And while they praise the cithara

and broadly songs too much, the hands spin on as is custom,

and praised transparent moral fates (10 years than if

ought).

“Do not take away, Parcae, let him outlast the time

mortal life, to me similar in both face and grace, and not

less in song nor verse. He will stand forth happy ages from

the weary and burst the silence in a law. Such as Lucifer

banishing the flung stars or just as Mesterus rises when the

stars come back, such as when first ruddy Aurora leads in

the dug when the dark shadows retire, bright Sol sees the

earth, and speeds along its first path from the gate, so

does Caesar come forward, in this way Rome already sees

Nero. His shiny face, with bright air reflected and his

graceful neck with flowing hair.” These words spoke Apollo,

but unless who to a most favorable nun, made him full by her

hand and gave Nero many years for his own. However, they

order all regarding Claudius rejoicing, using words of good

omen to send him from home. And he at once up ghost, and

from him he ended seeming to live. As a matter of fact, he

breathed his last while listened to comedies, so you know I

fear them not without ruin. His final vice heard among men

was this: When he left out a great noise from that part of

him which used to speak more easily, “Woe is me, I think I

soiled myself.” Whether he did, I do not know, but he

certainly dirtied everything else.

5 What happened afterwards on Earth is a waste to retell.

You know best, and nor is it dangerous to stir up the public

rejoicing which impressed your memory: No one forgets his

happiness. Listen to what happened in heaven: My authority

will be the faithful pines. It was annoying to Jove that

someone of good stature, sung well, I do not know why he

threatened something for he assiduously shook his head and

he dropped his right foot. When he’d what was his

nationality, I do not know how he responded, because with

confusing sounds and voice, his speech could not be Jupiter

ordered Hercules, who had wandered through all of the world

and seemed to know all nations to go and learn, of what sort

of man he was. When Hercules first saw him, Hercules was

really perturbed, fearing that even he had not all the

monsters (seen). As he saw the face of a new type, as its

unusual pace, a voice of no earthly animal, but such as a

behemoth of the sea is accustomed, raucous and inscrutable

he thought he had come upon a 13th labor for himself. He

seemed almost human when he diligently looked more intently.

He approached them and because it was easiest with Greek

said who form what people from what city and parents?

Claudius rejoiced that there were learned men there, and

hoped there would be some place for his histories. And so

he himself, signifying he was Caesar spoke with Homeric

verse: “A wind carried me from Troy and took me to

Ciconnian land.” The next verse following was more true and

Homeric: “From there I sacked a city, and killed many.”

6 And he would have fooled Hercules with this fraud, were

not Febris truthful, who having left her temple, alone, came

with Claudius: he had left all the other gods in Rome.

“This loser tells total lies. I tell you because I live two

years with him: He was born at Lugudensis, you see a

municipal of Marcos. I tell you that he was born at the

16th mile stone from Vienna, a native Gaul. And so it was

usual for a Gaul to do, he took Rome. I give him to you, a

son of Lugudensis, where Augustus’ procurator Licinius ruled

for many years. Moreover, you who have trod through more

places than any muleteer ought to know the Lugudenses and to

know that it is a long way between the Xanthus and the

Rhone.” At this point, Claudius flared up and snarled as

much as he could. What he said no one understood, he was

ordering Febris to be led away and with that accustomed

gesture of his hand which for that one thing was firm enough

by which he was accustomed to deneck human, he ordered her

head to be cut off. You would have thought all were his

freedmen, from there no one was worried by him.

7 Then Hercules said, “Listen to me, you stop being a

fool. You have come here where mice nibble iron. Tell me

the truth quickly, or I will knock you block off!” And so

that he would be more terrible, he made himself tragic and

said, “Declare your proper name, where you call a

birthright, or struck with this club, you will fall to the

ground! This club often felled savage kings. Why now do

you sound voices with uncertain words? What county, what

race produced that twitching head? Speak out! For my part

seeking the realms far away of the triple king, where from

the Western Sea I brought cattle to the noble Inaculen city,

I saw a mountain looming over two rivers which Phoebus

always sees from his rise turned the east, where the huge

Rhone River flows with a rapid current, and the quiet area

of where to run his course runs along the banks with quiet

shoals. Is this the land which was the nurse of your soul?”

These words with enough spirit and loudly he spoke,

nevertheless he was uncertain in his mind and feared a blow

of the fool. Claudius, as he saw a strong man, forgetting

the nonsense, knew that (although) no one in Rome was equal

to him, here he did not have the same importance; this

rooster has the most in his own pile of shit.3 And so as

much as he could let it be known, he appeared to say this:

“I hoped you would be with me, Hercules, brightest of the

gods, when I reach the other and if someone sought a notary

from me, I was going to name you, who knows me best. For if

you jog your memory it was I who was giving legal justice

before your temple for the whole day in July and August.

You know, how much misery I bore there when I heard

barristers night and day, among whom if you had fallen; you

3An untranslatable pun: the rooster (gallum) is Claudius who was born inGaul.

would seem to yourself to be brave, certainly but your word

prefer to purge the sewers of Augeas: I have drained out

much, much more shit. But since I want -”4

At least a page is lost here, but Hercules comes around toaccepting Claudius, probably because of their kinship and Claudius’reverence. He then works to persuade the other gods to accept him.

8 “No wonder you have brought it into the Senate house:

No closed door can restrain you. So tell us into what sort

of god do you want this king of yours to be made? An

Epicurean god he can not be: for they have no problems and

do not present problems to others. A Stoic? In what way

can he be round, as Varro says, ‘Without a head, without a

foreskin?’ Now there is something of a Stoic god in him:

he was neither heart, nor head. If by Hercules, he sought

this beneficiary from Saturn, whose month he celebrated the

whole year, the prince of the Saturnalia, he would not get

it, nor from Jove whom he condemned for incest, for so much

was in him. For he killed Silanus his son-in-law because of

his sister, most celebrated of all women, she whom all

called Venus, he preferred to call Juno.5 “Wherefore” you

say, “Do I ask about his sister?” Read a book, you

blockhead! It is half permitted in Athens, completely in

4Claudius, himself a grandson of Marc Antony could claim descent fromAnton, a son of Hercules. Here he refers to the labor in which Heracleshad to clean the Augean stables in a single day.5Claudius’ daughter Octavia had been betrothed to L. Junius SilanusTorquatus (pr. AD 49), whom Agrippina hated. She prevented the wedding(Tac. Ann. 12.3-4; Dio 60.31.8). L. Vitellius insinuated that L.Silanus and his sister Junia Calvina committed incest, after whichSilanus killed himself

Alexandria.6 “What about Rome?” you ask, “Mice lick flour.

Does this correct crooked things for us? What he does in

his own bedroom, I do not know, and now she scrutinizes the

zones of the sky, he wants to be a god: for it is too

little that he has a female in Britain that Barbarians

worship him there and so that they pray a god to strike him

with mercy of a fool.”

Finally it came into Jupiter’s head that while a

private citizen was walking around the Senate, the Senators

were not permitted to state their opinions or debate.

“Conscript fathers, I allowed some frustrations to you, you

made it into a shambles. I want you to maintain the order of

the senate house. Whatever sort of man this guy is, what

will he think of us?”

After he had been sent out, Father Janus was the first

to express his opinion. He was designated consul for the

afternoon of the 7th of July, a fellow as clever as you

could want, who always sees forward and backwards at the

same time. He, with many words, because he used to live in

the forum,7 which the stenographer could not follow, and

therefore, I will not repeat it, nor will I put out other

words than those he spoke. He said many things about the

6Incest – in Athens half-siblings by the same father may marry; inPtolemaic Egypt the dynasty followed the precedent of the nativepharaohs by intermarrying (infamously starting with Ptolemy II andArsinoe II). Claudius, of course, married his niece Agrippina theYounger. Hence the comment above when he accused Jupiter and Juno ifincest.7The famous Temple of Janus was in the Forum.

greatness of gods; this honor ought not to be given to this

commoner. “Once, he said, it was a great thing to become a

god. Now, you make the smallest bean one. And so that I not

seem to be against this man in speaking my opinion, I state

nobody after this day ought to be made of god form those who

eat the fruit of the earth, or from those who “feed from the

nourishment of the fruitful earth” (as we read in Iliad

6.142). Against this decree of the Senate, who will be made

a god, spoken of, or painted, to be given to the Larvae8 and

let him be placed at next public funeral games between new

authors to be beaten with sticks. The next asked to speak

was the Diespater, son of Vica Pota,9 and also consul

designate and a money lender: He was supporting himself by

this trade, and he was accustomed to sell citizenship. To

him, Hercules came and gently tugged his ear. And so he

gave his opinion with these words, “Since divine Claudius is

descended from the blood of divine Augustus, no less his

grandmother, divine Augusta, when he himself ordered to be

made a goddess, and he surpasses all men in wisdom, and it

is good for the Republic that there be somebody with Romulus

who can “swallow bailed turnips.”10 I think from this day

that Claudius should be a god. So as was he before him who8The Larvae are ghosts of the dead that haunt evil-doers.9Dispater is a Roman god corresponding to the obscure Greek god ofwealth, Plutus. Dispater and Orcus and Pluto all combined into theRoman version of Hades when Hellenization spread to the Romans. We knowlittle about Vica Pota, but she was a goddess of victory.10Romulus, according to legend, liked to eat turnips – probably a showof common faith with average Romans who could not afford expensive food.A Martial poem (13.16) from ca. AD 100 mentions this.

was made a god by the best law and this thing must be added

to Ovid’s Metamorphoses. There were various opinions and

Claudius seems to win the consensus. For Hercules saw his

iron was in the fire, so he was lobbying back and forth and

he was saying, “Do not be envious of me, my interest is at

stake, later if you should want something of me, I will do

my part. One hand washes another.”

10 Then divine Augustus rose up in his place of speaking

his opinion and disseminated with much eloquence; I call you

to witness, from the time when I became a god I never

uttered a word: I always mind my own business. But I am

not able but to do anything other any longer, and not hold

in the sorrow which the shame makes heavier. For this I made

peace by land and sea? To test extent I put an end to civil

wars? For this founded the city with laws and I decorated

it with buildings – so that I can not find what I am to say

all words are beneath my indignation. Then I must recite

the opinion of the most distinguished Messalla Corvinus, ‘my

power disgusts me.’11 Claudius, patres conscripti12 who does not

seem to capable of driving off a fly, used to kill men as

easily as a dog sits, and so many of them! It is therefore

useless to mourn public disasters of death or evil domestic

disasters. And lest I omit anyone, I recall these victims :

for even if my sister does not know Greek, I do ‘the knee is

closer than the shin.’13 That is the man whom you see,

through so many years looking under my name, he has thanked

me in that he killed my two great-great-grand daughters

Julia, one by sword the other by starvation; one great-great

grandson C. Silanus,14 watch Jupiter, whether in bad cause,

11This is a very curious quote for the author to put in Augustus’ mouth.The great general and politician Messalla Corvinus abandoned Antony forCaesar in 33/32 and wrote political pamphlets against Cleopatra. Inreturn he received Antony’s slated consulship in 31 and led part of thefleet at Actium. Afterwards as a leading blue-blood in the junta, hewas given the post praefectus urbi, but resigned a week in for unknownreasons (Syme suggests he saw room for conflict with Agrippa; Stern sayswith the veiled autocracy of Augustus’ regime). When asked why he wouldresign so much power, he said “My power disgusts me (and so doesyours).” After that Messalla Corvinus was out of the coalition for overa decade.12Senators when debating in the Senate often used polite, bureaucraticlanguage as do our Congressmen today in Washington, “I yield the floorto the distinguished gentleman from Arizona for two minutes.” The termpatres conscripti is a bureaucratic nicety referring to when Romulus draftedthe first 100 “fathers” to form the Senate. In the imagination of manyRoman writers the Roman way is so flawless even the gods on Mt. Olympususe the same formulas and rituals.13Augustus recites a Greek proverb about closeness to the heart. Themeaning matches “blood is thicker than water.” The comment about hissister is rather odd, Octavia probably knew Greek.14Augustus bemoans the deaths of (A) Julia sister of Agrippina, whomClaudius first recalled when he became emperor, then banished againlater for her affair with Seneca, (B) Julia daughter of Drusus theYounger and Claudia Livilla – who married Rubellius Blandus, (C) C.Appius Junius Silanus, Claudius’ father-in-law. All three were victimsof Messallina.

certainly it is yours if you are about to be fair. Tell me,

divine Claudius, wherefore why did you damn someone from

those men and women whom you killed so may before you know

the accusation, before you had heard? Where is it a custom

to do such? In is not done thus in heaven.

11 Behold Jupiter, who has ruled so many years, once he

broke the shinbone of Vulcan, “when seizing his foot, he

furled him from the entry of heaven.”15 And he was angry at

his wife and hung her up.16 He did not kill anyone, did he?

You killed Messallina, who shared a great-uncle equally with

you (me!).17 You say “I didn’t know.” May the gods damn

you! The whole thing is even uglier because you did not

know, than because you killed her! He did not cease

following Gaius Caligula’s lead even when Gaius had died.18

They both killed a father-in-law. But whereas Gaius forbade

the son of Crassus to use the cognomen Magnus, Claudius let

15Hephaestus recounts this story in Iliad 1.591 ff, as quoted.16 Zeus got angry at Hera’s efforts to ruin Heracles, so he hung herfrom the sky with anvils attached to her ankles. At Iliad 15.18ff herecalls the event to warn her not to act up again.17The author has made an error of sorts: Messallina was one generationyounger than Claudius, so his great-uncle (Augustus) was her great-great-uncle – but doubly so. Claudius’ mother was Antonia Minor –daughter of Octavia and thus the niece of Augustus. Messallina’s twograndmothers were the sister and half-sister of Claudius’ mother:Antonia Maior and Marcella Minor. Caligula made Claudius and Messallinaget married, even though they were first cousins once removed/ half-first cousins once removed.18The author may be condemning Claudius’ actions as a yes-man underCaligula, when Claudius did what he had to in order to survive. IfClaudius often parroted Caligula, the joke is that he continued to do soafter Caligula’s assassination when it was no longer necessary.

the name be restored, and then took off his head!19 In one

house he killed Crassus, Magnus, and Scribonia! Even though

they were wastrels, they were nobles.20 Crassus was such a

fool, he could even have ruled as princeps.21 Now you wish to

make Claudius a god? Look at his body burn with hostile

gods. On top of that, let him speak the words quickly and

he may push me around as his slave. Who will cherish this

god? Who will believe in him? If you make such a misfit a

god, no one will believe you are gods. The highest

priority, if I have carried myself honestly among you, if I

have not responded to clearly, avenge my wrongs. I propose

this on behalf of my spirit.” And then he recited from his

heart: “Whereas the Divine Claudius killed his father-in-law

Gaius Appius Junius Silanus, two of his sons-in-law: Pompey

Magnus and L. Junius Silanus, the afore-mentioned father-in-

19Caligula, officially a great-great-great-grandson of the DivineJulius, disliked any form of competition, so when it came to hisattention that a descendent of the other two members of the FirstTriumvirate (Pompey Magnus and Marcus Crassus) was named Cn. PompeyMagnus (after his great-great-great-grandfather), he ordered Pompey tochange his name (Suet. Gai. 35.1). After Caligula’s assassinationClaudius let Pompey resume the name Magnus, gave his daughter Antonia tohim in marriage, promoted him to the consulship of AD 47, and made himhis second heir (after Claudius’ own son Britannicus). But when hediscovered Pompey in bed with a boy he had him executed (Suet. Claud.27, 29).20The victims were Pompey himself and his parents Scribonia and M.Licinius Crassus Frugi (cos. AD 27), all executed in AD 47. Severalsiblings survived, one of whom led a conspiracy against Nero in AD 65.21A joke that can be interpreted in several ways: Crassus was as big afool as Claudius, so they would be indistinguishably bad, or Crassusreally wanted to rule, which was unforgivable in a society that hatedkings, or the fool could have taken over but failed to strike, soClaudius took him down.

law of his daughter - Crassus Frugi - a man as similar to

him as an egg to eggs,22 Scribonia his daughter’s mother-in-

law, his wife Messallina and so many others it is not

possible to list them all, may it please this House to turn

him away harshly, nor to brook any delay of judgment that he

be extradited and that he leave Heaven within 30 days and

leave Olympus within the 3rd day.”

12 This motion was affirmed by a vote of the feet.23 With

no further delay Mercury drags him, wrenching him by his

collar to the lower world, “from which they say no one ever

comes back.”24 Then they discussed on the Sacred Road (Via

Sacra) Mercury asked what to him is the meaning of this

assembly of men. This was not Claudius’s funeral. It was

most exquisite of all and with great care spent clearly a

god was being carried you know: trumpeting, horn playing,

all sorts of brass bands, such a crowd, such a

concentration, that even Claudius could hear it. All

rejoicing, happy: The Roman people were walking as if free.

Agatho and four barristers were weeping, but plainly from

their souls. The lawyers were coming out of obscurity,

pale, thin, hardly having any life, as though they had just

been revived greatly. One from these when he had seen the22This comment suggests that the joke cited in n. 14 may be thatClaudius and Crassus would indistinguishably bad had Crassus ruledinstead.23Again Mt. Olympus follows Roman Senatorial procedure: the ayes walkto one side and the nays walk to the other. Each person is counted.Romans refer to this as voting with one’s feet.24Mercury may be annoyed Claudius made him work extra escorting souls tothe Underworld owing to the many executions during Claudius’ reign.

lawyers conferring heads and weeping their fortunes, we

approached and said I was speaking to you: It will not

always be a Saturnalia.”

“Claudius, when he saw his own funeral, realized he was

dead. For a dirge was being sung in couplets with enormous

and great chorus:Weep tears, put forth lamentations!Let the sound of grief fill the forum!A man with a beautiful heart has fallen.No other was more revered in all the world than he.He with his swift gait25 wasable to overcome the swift, to bury the rebellious Parthians and to pursuethe Persians with light missiles, and with a steady hand stretch the bowstring. with one little wound he pierced the fleeing enemies, and the painted backs of the fleeing Medes.He ordered the Britons beyond the shores of the sea we know and the blue-shielded Brigantians to give their necks to Romulean chains and made Ocean himself tremble at the new laws ofRoman order. Weep for the main by which no other could settle the law cases faster, oftenwith only one part heard and not the other. Who now as a judge will hear legal cases for the wholeyear? Now to you with the empty bench yielded he hands itover,he who gives laws to the people of silence, formerly holding 100 Cretan towns.26 Beat your breasts with sad palms, all you lawyers, you venal breed. And you new poets, grieve!And you most of all, the con men, who gain greatriches

25Claudius’ swift gait is sarcastic because he was nearly lame. Todaywe suspect Claudius suffered from Cerebral Palsy.26This means Minos formerly king of Crete and now Judge of theUnderworld will give Claudius his seat.

through gambling tricks by shaking the dice box.13. Claudius was delighted to hear praise and he

wanted to watch much longer, but the Talthybius of the

gods27 laid hands on him and dragged him with his head

turned around, so that no one could know him, through the

Campus Martius. Between the Tiber and the covered road he

descended into the lower world. His freedman Narcissus had

died beforehand already by a short cut in order to receive

his patron. Shiny clean, as he had just bathed, Narcissus

runs up and says “what, the gods among men?”

“Quickly announce that we are coming,” says Mercury.

Narcissus flies to it swifter than word. All things are

downhill from there, and it descends easily.

And then even though he was gout stricken, in just a

moment’s time, he approached the door of Dis, where Cerberus

lay, or as Horace calls him, “the hundred-headed monster.”28

He was a little disturbed at the sight of Cerberus, for his

experience with dogs came from his favorite, little, white

poodle. When he saw this black, shaggy dog, not the sort

27Just as Talthybius is Agamemnon’s herald so Mercury is to Jupiter andthe other gods.28Some Underworld cosmology might help here. Several original Romangods Pluto, Dis, and others combined into the Greek gods Hades.Normally Mercury brings souls of the dead to the edge of the River Styxwhere they are to be ferried across by Charon. Cerberus is of coursethe three-headed dog, but Romans inherited from Etruscans an alternatetradition as to how many heads Cerberus had. Once across the souls areevaluated by the three Judges of the Underworld (see note below) whoassess their flaws or virtues. The worst are punished in a regioncalled Tartarus, the rest mostly mill around (as in Iliad 10 and Aeneid6). Some souls drink from the River Lethe and forget their lives sothey can request reincarnation and live a new lifespan on Earth.

you wish to meet in a dark alley, with a great voice he said

“Claudius is coming.”

A crowd of people, clapping their hands and reciting

something like the Greek cult song of Isis when she finds

Osiris’ body,29 began singing “we have found him, let us

rejoice.”30 Among them was the consul-elect Gaius Silius,31

Juncus Vergilianus the ex-praetor, Sextus Traulus, Marcus

Helvius, Saefeius Trogus, Aurelius Cotta,32 Vettius Valens,

and Fabius, all Roman equites whom Narcissus ordered to be

executed.33 In the middle in this singing group was Mnestor

29In Egyptian mythology Osiris was murdered by his brother Set, who cuthim up into many pieces. Isis searched for him and finally found allthe pieces, last of which was his penis. She sang a song of relief andgrief when she found the last piece. Osiris then evolved to become thegod of the dead. This Egyptian cult spread into the Roman world in the1st century AD and gained a few followers.30Claudius of course initially thinks this is a warm greeting for him,and is soon sadly corrected. The Egyptian cults of Isis and Osirisspread in the Roman Empire, mostly through Greek speakers.31In AD 47 in the middle of Claudius’ reign, the consul designate, GaiusSilius and the empress Valeria Messallina tried to overthrow him. Shedivorced Claudius while he was visiting nearby Ostia and married Silius.Narcissus informed Claudius what she had done, and he hurried back toRome right away to foil their coup. Caught off guard, Messallina andSilius fled. Both were caught and executed along with their manyfollowers. One can hardly blame Claudius for executing them, and Senecasuffered exile due to Messallina’s machinations, so he has no reason totake her side.32Aurelius Cotta was descended from the maternal grandfather of theDivine Julius, whose mother was Aurelia. Another Aurelia married thegreat marshal of Augustus, Messalla Corvinus. It is possible thatClaudius executed a grandson of Messalla Corvinus, which would certainlycreate much resentment (even if Aurelius Cotta deserved it). Since theempress Messallina was also a granddaughter of Messalla Corvinus, it isvery likely the two were cousins.33One assumes the others on this list were Silius’ friends who losttheir lives with him. None are otherwise known, although the equis(knight) Fabius should be a descendent of Q. Fabius Maximus, or thedescendent of a freedman of the family. He is likely a descendent of a

the pantomime, whom Claudius had cut down to size for the sake

of decorum.34 Around Messalina they gather (for rumor

swiftly became known that Claudius had arrived). The first

of all to come were his freemen Polybius, Myron, Arpocras,

Amphaeus, and Pheronactus. All of them Claudius sent ahead,

lest he be unaccompanied anywhere, anytime.35 Also among

the dead were two prefects: Catonius Iustus and Rufrius

Pollio.36 Then came his friends Lusius Saturninus and

Pompeius Pedo and Cornelius Lupus and Asinius Celer, the

latter both consuls. Lastly came the daughter of his

brother, the daughter of his sister, his son-in-law, father-

in-law, and mother-in-law, plainly the whole family.37 Andyounger brother of the consul of 45.34Mnestor the pantomime was a popular actor whom Messallina adored. Shecomplained to Claudius he had been refusing to perform for her(suggesting it was plays she wanted to see), so Claudius summonedMnestor and told him to do whatever the empress Messallina orders.Mnestor from then on was forced to perform sexually and on stage at herwhim. He tried to defend himself at trial by pointing out he was forcedto become her sex slave, but others testified that he enjoyed it, and hewas beheaded.35The joke is that Claudius so relies upon his freedmen that he needsthem everywhere as he is incapable of acting on his own like Louis XVI.But in the Roman world this may be less ridiculous than it is to us. Weenjoy moments of privacy, something Romans rarely experience. Theoriginal gladiator tradition started so that dead souls of importantpeople never have to be alone in the Underworld. 36If Seneca includes them they were also victims of Claudius or Claudiusand Messallina.37Claudius is here accused (probably correctly) of executing thedaughter of his brother – Julia Livilla, with whom Seneca was toofriendly and Messallina was jealous. He certainly executed his son-in-law, Cn. Pompey Magnus, when he discovered Pompey in bed with a boy. Asecond potential-son-in-law Junius Silanus was driven to suicide byClaudius and Agrippina. He also accused Messallina’s step-father (andthus his step-father-in-law) of conspiring against him – C. AppiusJunius Silanus, and had him executed. Claudius may have executed hisniece (the daughter of Claudia Livilla - his sister’s daughter), Julia

with a line assembled they meet Claudius. Claudius when he

saw them exclaimed in Greek “all friends everywhere! How have

all of you come here?”38

Then Pedo responded “what are you saying, cruelest man?

You ask how!?!, Who else other than you sent us here, the

very killer of all your friends? Let us go before the law,

I will show you the seats here.”

He led him to the tribunal of Aeacus who was holding

trial under the Cornelian law on murder.39 Pedo demands

Claudius’ name be taken: he launches a formal charge:

those wrongly executed: 35 senators, 221 Roman knights

killed, others put to death: as many as the sand and the dust.40

Claudius finds no lawyer to argue his defense. Finally P.

Petronius steps forward, his old champion, a man eloquent in

the Claudian Tongue, and he demands the charges be thrown

out. Motion denied. Pompeius Pedo accuses Claudius with

great shouts. Claudius’ lawyer starts to respond. Aeacus,

a most just man, forbids him, and condemns him with only the

prosecutor’s speech heard and quotes Hesiod in Greek:

Livilla, at Messallina’s request. He certainly did not execute any ofhis mothers-in law. Seneca probably falsely accuses Claudius ofexecuting Domitia Lepida - the mother of Messallina, (and paternal auntto Nero) – but she opposed Messallina’s coup and thus was spared. Shelived on early into Nero’s reign.38Again, Claudius’ cluelessness is on display.39Apparently Roman law is so good it is engaged in the Underworld.Minos, Aeacus, and Rhadymanthus were the three judges of the Underworld(in some accounts Sarpedon is listed for Aeacus). Seneca has Aeacuspractice Roman law in the underworld, a subtle sign that the Roman wayis universally recognized as superior. 40Paraphrasing Il. 9.385.

    “would that you might suffer the same things, and may justicebe done.”

A great silence falls over all. Everyone was struck dumb by

the newness of this way of dealing justice. No one thought

this had ever happened before. The type of punishment he

ought to suffer was disputed for a long time. There were

those who were saying that Sisyphus had done the carrying

long enough, (or that) Tantalus was about to die of thirst

unless to him a successor come, (or that) a break must be

put to the wheel of wretched Ixion.41 But the idea that any

of the old criminals be given a release appealed to no one,

so that Claudius would never hope for the same reprieve. It

is pleasing to all that a new punishment be established.

Some irritating labor must be thought up for him, involving

some unfulfilled desire. Then Aeacus ordered him to play

with a dice in a dice cup with a hole in its bottom. So

right away Claudius began to hunt for the ever-fleeing dice,

but it is never to any avail.

As many times as he was about to roll the dice in the dice cup with a loud little shake

41Three of mythology’s greatest criminals, Sisyphus, Tantalus, and Ixionall suffered eternal punishment in the Underworld. Sisyphus after alife of tricks had handcuffed Hades and tossed him in a closet, afterwhich no one on Earth would die (see The Simpsons or Family Guy wheresomething similar happens). Tnatalus had tried to trick the gods intoeating human flesh, and Ixion had attempted to seduce Hera under Zeus’nose. Sisyphus had to roll a stone up a hill, but it always escaped hisgrasp and rolled back down; Tantalus suffered a terrible thirst andhunger, chained up to his neck in a pool of water with fruit hangingjust out of reach; Ixion was spinning on a burning wheel to which he wastied by snakes.

one of the dice would drop out of the bottomless cup and when he ventured to pick back up the dice he had collected so many times,again and again always, they similar to before, evaded him and flee through these very fingers. The tricky diceslips secretly from him sitting just when he touches the summit of the top of the mountain the irritating burden of Sisyphus rolls down the hill.

Suddenly Gaius (Caligula) appeared and began to ask for him

in slavery, he produced witnesses who had seen him beating

Claudius with whips, rods and chains and boxing him on the

ears. He was remanded to Gaius Caesar; Gaius gave him to

Aeacus; Aeacus handed him over to the freedman Menander to

be his assistant.42

42Claudius’ sentence ends up being the person who whispers to Menanderthe identity of people approaching so that Menander not seem to forgetwho they are. Some modern politicians rely on staff members to performthe same function. The joke is that Claudius who was emperor is nowreduced in status to being the assistant to a man who was formerly aslave and got set free. Of course, during and after his reign, Claudiuswas ridiculed for allowing his own freedmen to influence him greatly inrunning the Empire. Claudius has been rendered very low by the wheelsof divine justice, even if the Romans officially made him a god. Nerodeclined to sponsor a state cult for Claudius, but Vespasian restoredhim to very minor divine status after Nero’s death.