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ISSUE #33June1st, 2006ISSUE #34August 1st, 2006

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“Death takes away vanity.” –Graham Green, The Quiet American

Cover designed by Amy AdoyzieCover photograph by Megan Pants

Contact Razorcake via our fancy new website: www.razorcake.org

Thank you list: Nautical rock’n’roll and fish sticks thanks to Amy Adoyzie for designing thecover, and whiz-banging the Bananas and Pine Hill Haints layouts; beershirt highschooldrugs and pregnancy thanks to Rafael Avila for his illustration in Dale’s column; so youfinally burst Poland’s ruckus hymen thanks to Wojtek Stasiak for his pictures in theRhythm Chicken’s column; Juliette Lewis is already sort of a cartoon character thanks toMitch Clem for his illustration in Nardwuar’s column, the secret of male/female relation-ships in two easy steps thanks to Brad Beshaw for his illustration in Sean’s column (RIPConfounded Books. Long live Brad!); that one dude is totally getting his rock on thanksSean Koepenick for his Porch Mob interview, Julia Smut for the layout, Kris Tripplaar forhis photos; you busy, me busy, let’s get shit done thanks to Keith Rosson for his GeorgeHurchalla layout and reviews; thanks to George Hurchalla for sending photos along withhis interview (If you took one of those photos, let me know, I’ll say thanks to you, too);fuckin’-a, pre London Calling Clash thanks to Ryan Leach for the Dawn Wirth interview andJesse Vidarre for the digitizing help with Dawn’s pictures; fish eye pictures usually lookgoofy, but you’ve got a great eye thanks to David Allen Jones for his Pine Hill Haints pho-tos; “Dude, that’s just, like, your opinion” thanks to the following folks who’ve donerecord, book, zine, and DVD reviews (in order of when they turned them in): Comrade Bree,Lord Kveldulfr, Kurt Morris, Jenny Moncayo, Joe Evans III, Mr. Z, Speedway Randy,Anthony Bartkewicz, Ty Stranglehold, Donofthedead, Jennifer Whiteford, Ayn Imperato,KO!, Mike Frame, Greg Barbera, Josh Benke, Newtim, Keith Rosson, Jessica T., and RussLichter; words and stuff thanks for additional proofing of this issue: Lord Kveldulfr, JoeEvans III, Jenny Moncayo, and Ryan Leach.

us had just downed a six-pack while perusing an online inter-active global atlas. He panned across satellite pictures of theAmazon and zoomed into the small side streets of his home-town, Titusville, Pennsylvania. The enormity of Earth flashed

with each pixel across the screen and everything in our lives just seemedso tiny.

“We’re just a small cancer in this,” he concluded.Sometimes Gus becomes an existentialist asshole when he’s been

drinking. As soon as he became bored with virtually flying across theglobe, he turned his attention to me. I was hunched over a glowing mon-itor, going blind as I grappled with another technological obstacle.

“Why do you do this?” He demanded. His breath was heavy with thesour smell of cheap beer. “What do you get outta this?”

It was a week before deadline and I had two layout assignments due.I was struggling in front of someone else’s computer and their unfamil-iar set-up. This was one of three computers that I had been scramblingaround Portland to use after my own machine’s motherboard imploded.

I was perched on the plank of wit’s end, the splintery board bentominously low as I was weighed down with a truckload of stress. Gus’squestions jabbed at my back like a rusty pirate dagger.

“Do you think you’re doing important work for Razorcake? What?Are they the latest cutting edge underground punk rock publication?” Hewas mocking me.

All I could muster was, “I dunno. I just like doing it.”

Gus and I were both at a loss. I’ve never pondered why I do this work for a fanzine. It doesn’t pay

a cent and it can be as intensely time-consuming and retardedly stressfulas any other deadline-driven job.

But it still isn’t a ‘job.’ Regardless of the tireless hours, it is workthat I take great pride in—my heart glows like a thousand-watt bulbfrom a swell of joyous satisfaction every time I crack open another issueto see my imprint inked permanently across the pages. Regardless of thelack of cash compensation, it is work that I do with friends—passionatepeople for whom I care about deeply rather than folks that I’m forced totolerate for 40-hours a week.

Gus was condescending when he asked if this was important work.Razorcake isn’t going to prevent wars, save endangered species or solveworld hunger—but we’re an independently published fanzine who givesvoice to a small counterculture and the people who struggle as artists,musicians, and writers. We do our part as a gasp of fresh air in a culturesuffocating from the massive chokehold of advertising disguised as cor-poratized media watered down to keep the majority of us ignorantenough to consume mindlessly. Of course our work is important—whatelse are people going to read when they’re on the toilet?

I was wrong when I told Gus that “I just like doing it.” It’s more than that. I am grateful for this work. I am excited about this work. I love this work.

–Amy Adoyzie

G

This issue is dedicated to: The marriage of Dave Guthrie and Angelina Reyes; Andy Taylor, Todd’sbrother, who’s going to Iraq by the time this is printed. Come home in one piece, please.

Mahtab Zargari, wonderkid. (It’s rumored that instead of a belly button,she had a USB port.)

Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the U.S. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. Theseprices are only valid for people who live in the U.S. and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write usand we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Books to Prisoners, 92 Pike St., Box A, Seattle, WA 98101. Want to distributeRazorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $10.00, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do ourmailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email megan@razorcake.com for all the details. George Hurchalla wrote a really phenomenal book. If you like punk, it’s worth the dough to read about your roots.

4 Liz O. Guerrilla My Dreams7 Art Fuentes Shizzville8 Jim Ruland Lazy Mick10 Designated Dale I’m Against It12 Amy Adoyzie Monster of Fun 15 Ben Snakepit Snakepit16 Rev. Nørb Love, Nørb20 The Rhythm Chicken The Dinghole Reports22 Kiyoshi Nakazawa Won Ton Not Now24 Nardwuar The Human Serviette Who Are You?29 Chrystaei Branchaw’s Photo Page30 Sean Carswell A Monkey to Ride the Dog33 Dan Monick’s Photo Page35 Miss Jenny Angelillo’s Photo Page

36 The Dents by Brian Mosher40 Porch Mob by Sean Koepenick44 George Hurchalla by Jimmy Alvarado56 Bananas by Megan Pants64 Dawn Wirth by Ryan Leach68 Pine Hill Haints by BD Williams

76 Top 5s P.S. sorry about the sheets...78 Record Fuck the past, kids, 'cause it's deader than Rosie O'Donnell's career. 104 Zine The so-called “reviewers” who will inevitably purposely project their paranoid self-hatred onto them, and then flat-out lie to their readers…108 Book A unique and powerful view of an odd man at the end of the world...111 DVD Shot, stabbed, or hit in the face with a gardening claw...

COLUMNS

WE DO OUR PART

FAVORITESANDREVIEWS

PO Box 42129Los Angeles, CA 90042www.razorcake.com

Razorcake/ Gorsky, Inc. Board of Directors are: Todd Taylor, Sean Carswell, Dan Clarke, Katy Spining, Leo Emil Tober IIIThis issue of Razorcake and www.razorcake.com were put together by: Todd Taylor, Megan Pants, Sean Carswell, Skinny Dan, Amy Adoyzie, Keith Rosson, Juila Smut,BD Williams, Jenny Moncayo, Chris Devlin, Lord Kveldulfr, Joe Evans III, and Ryan Leach.

Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky Press, Inc.

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Issue #32 June / July 2006

64INTERVIEWSANDFEATURES

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YYou first heard the song in the middle ofthe night because you never reach over toflick off the switch before you fall asleep. Youdo this because, even though you are still hor-ribly unsophisticated in matters of music busi-ness, you have come to an understanding thatradio stations play the new songs and the oldones that never really caught on sometimeduring the graveyard shift and you are in themidst of an active pursuit for another soundthat will change the way your ears function.This song does it.

There’s a hint of Johnny Marr in the leadguitar and that is what makes you perk upfrom your position flat-on-the-stomach in astate of half-sleep with your nose stuck in themiddle-bend of a Steinbeck book that youhave to read for class. This song is vastlymore interesting than some poetic renderingof the Central Valley, which you know for afact is cow-spotted wasteland since you haveto travel there with your family no fewerthan two times a year. You knock the bookoff the bed and try to wake yourself up fullyso that you can wait around for the DJ toannounce the song, but after its conclusion,you’re asleep.

When you wake up, all you can thinkabout is that song and the fullness of the voicethat sings, “And the itch to get rich quick/ Hasnever been so hard to reach,” which is the

only line of the song that you can recall withsome sense of certainty. You want to call theradio station, but you have done that so manytimes at this point in your young life that youknow better than to demand a title from anintern on the basis of a single lyric. So, whenyou get back to your bedroom later on thatafternoon, you turn on the radio and you waitfor that song with a fresh tape in the deck andyour hand reaching distance from the record-ing button. After a few hours of lying in wait,you hear the song and promptly copy it. Thecopy lacks the first half-bar on account of theway your tape recorder delays and the last twobars are obscured by the station ID, but thiswill do for the few days that it takes to findout that this songs is called “Only Tongue CanTell” and this band is named TrashcanSinatras and the debut album is entitled Cake.

After your next payment for spending aSaturday night chasing around seven-year-oldredheaded monsters, you head to the recordstore, buy the first of two copies of the cas-sette, which will last you until get around tobuying a CD player, and whatever Britishmagazine you can afford that has TrashcanSinatras inside. The British music journalistsheard the Smiths connection, but you thinkthat there might be something else, that it’snot just about five Scots playing like fourMancunians did a few years ago. The Smiths

are your favorite band, but it’s still in the pastfor you as you didn’t hear them until afterthey disbanded. Trashcan Sinatras are now,part of a wave of bands that will bridgetogether this new decade with the one thatonly recently passed. You will consider it yourmission to tell every one of your friends aboutthis band. You will remain faithful to this mis-sion for years to come, handing out copies ofvarious albums as birthday presents and care-fully placing songs onto mixed tapes.Sometimes you will encounter people whowere converted at the same time as you andone of these people will become one of yourclosest friends. You will leave each otherTrashcan lyrics as comments on yourMyspace pages and, when you finally find away to not only get into the show, but to inter-view the band, you will call this person and hewill drive for what seems like an eternity sothat the two of you can cruise into Hollywoodon a Friday night, singing “Only Tongue CanTell” at the top of your lungs before going tosee this band that has seemingly consumedboth of you for over a decade.

* * *

Trashcan Sinatras started out in Irvine,Scotland, situated on a harbor south ofGlasgow near the tail end of the 1980s. They

“You think about artand commerce, pressand hype... In theend, it really is justabout the music.”

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were young, with the older members still intheir early-20s and played around pubs, even-tually writing their own songs.

John Douglas, rhythm guitarist and vocal-ist for the group, tells me the story backstageat the El Rey. He answers all of my questionswith great detail and insight. Neither of us areaware that the sound check on the adjacentstage will leave a grinding hiss on the tape thatwill obscure most of our conversation. Still, hetells me about “Drunken Chorus,” the firstsong the band wrote, which was eventuallyreleased as a b-side, and “Funny,” from thealbum Cake. I have to fight myself from hum-ming the melody when he mentions this.

“We started sending them off to recordcompanies,” he says of the songs. “Justthrough sheer brassneck.”

I stare at him blankly, the sort of stare thatplagued my face when I first heard a personrefer to a cigarette as a “fag.”

“That means balls,” he laughs. “Youknow, just to see what would happen. Then wegot some calls saying that this stuff is actuallypretty good.”

The band’s earliest material receivedsome airplay on its local radio station.

“Then we went down to a few recordcompanies and some of them were enthusias-tic,” he says. “Then we wrote a few moresongs. The next one was ‘Only Tongue CanTell.’ That was the one that everyone fell inlove with.”

Trashcan Sinatras earned a deal with Go!Discs, a now-defunct sector of LondonRecords, which, at that point was a divisionof PolyGram. Cake was released in theUnited States in 1990 as part of a convolut-ed major label chain with the resources tohelp secure airplay on the college and com-mercial alternative stations and press inwidely read magazines.

“Everyone’s debut record is probablytheir most publicized,” he says. “When youare on a major label, you only get one ortwo albums. That was kind of the case withus. The record company was enthusiasticup until the second record, which didn’tsell as well.”

I raced to the record store the day that I’veSeen Everything, the band’s sophomorealbum, was released. After listening to it forthe first time, I thought it was perfect. It is,overall, a more developed album, the sort thatcan only be listened to from start to finish. Thesongwriting is stronger and the production isso intricate that I still notice something newevery time I listen to it. The harmonies aremore pronounced, the bass lines thicker, theguitars denser. It is something that goes farbeyond the “jingle-jangle” U.K. pop image ofthe debut and remains my favorite album fromthe band. However, it was released in 1993,just long enough after the Seattle invasion toget lost in the slew of heavy metal bands mar-keted under a different name.

“We suffered a bit,” Douglas says of thealbum’s timing. “Who knows, maybe if itcame out a year beforehand… It’s the natureof the record industry. You get trends andscenes and everyone seems to go with it andthen bands get a bit of a hard time.”

He sighs. “It’s a shame. I’m really proudof our second record. I think it’s probably ourmost cohesive.”

Nearly four years later, Trashcan Sinatrasreleased A Happy Pocket. I tell Douglas that,by the time I found out the record existed, Icouldn’t find a store that carried it. To this day,I have not been able to secure a copy. He tellsme that he doesn’t have one either.

“The record company wouldn’t support it,”he says. “It didn’t come out in the United States. Itcame out in Europe. The songs on there are actu-ally pretty good, but again, it’s a difficult period.”

Go! Discs was bought by Sony after therelease and the band lost its deal.

“Because we lost our deal, we didn’t havemuch money,” Douglas explains. “We endedup losing our studio, Shabby Road. We had todeal with the loss of that. We had to deal withsome bad tax advice. So, we went into debtand eventually had to go bankrupt completely.So, we just stopped and went home.”

A few years passed and the Trashcanslearned that some things just don’t go away.

“We started getting out of the depressionand writing songs again,” he says. “We got to

a studio and started writing with the same sortof essence. The passion hadn’t stopped. Wewere back to ourselves.”

Eight years after what could have been thebeginning of the end, Trashcan Sinatrasreleased Weightlifting, with more of a soulinfluence but still not a far stretch from prioralbums. I asked him if the album’s title trackwas intended to make a statement about theband’s return.

“There wasn’t any particular reason, but itworked pretty well because that is what wefelt after we went through the bankruptcy andlost everything and realized that we’re stillfriends. We didn’t try to write the song aroundour feelings, we wrote the song just to try andcapture the feeling of what it is like to gothrough a bad patch and survive.”

I ask him if it’s strange that, after the hard-ship, the band retains the same lineup as it didon I’ve Seen Everything (David Hughesreplaced George McDaid on bass between thefirst two albums).

“I suppose it’s because we were friendsbefore we had a record deal,” he says. “Wewere just a bunch of guys who were devotedto trying to write something.”

* * *

On the night of the show, you and yourfriend squeeze through bodies towards thefront of the stage. You can only get so closeand, still, you can feel the summer sweat ofothers pressing up against you. You thinkabout the band’s tour last fall and how the tick-ets sold out before you could get a pair andyou look around and notice that this show ismost likely sold out as well. You realize thatyou are surrounded by roughly 749 otherTrashcan Sinatras fans and you smile.

You watch as John Douglas walks out tothe stage with his bandmates: Frank Reader onvocals; Paul Livingston on guitar; DavidHughes on bass and Steven Douglas on drums.They start to play and you and your friend singalong with virtually every number. You giggleduring the breaks at the girl behind you whokeeps screaming for “I’m Immortal,” becauseyou’re pretty sure that the band is deaf torequests from the stage.

Then they play a song that you know forsure isn’t theirs, yet you know all the words.You look at your friend and ask, “Why do Iknow this?” He responds, “Because it’s‘MacArthur Park.’” You’re in shock that a gui-tar-pop band can take a disco ballad about aneighborhood in your hometown and turn itinto something completely different, yetequally breathtaking.

After the show, you meet a fan that trav-eled from Colorado and you realize that youand your friend aren’t alone, that there arethousands of others who feel as deeply aboutthis band as you do. On the way home, youthink about art and commerce, press and hype.You think about how these things that are sup-posed to matter, really don’t. In the end, itreally is just about the music.

–Liz Ohanesian

5

“I never knew anIrish bartender whodidn’t like a storyabout an Englishmanstricken with a sorehead, and this onewas no exception.”

JIM RULAND

8

LLAAZZYYYY MMIIIICCKK

I blew into New York for a reading lastwinter and wandered into an Irish bar nearmy hotel on the Lower East Side. The bar,whose name has been deviling me for days,had a two-for-one special on draft beer.Prudent fellow that I am, I took a seat at thebar, made myself comfortable, and had alook at the local lagers and ales on offer. Aproduct called Bare Knuckle Stout immedi-ately jumped out at me. The tap handle fea-tured a bare-chested man striking a pugilis-tic pose. It reminded me, of course, of JohnL. Sullivan, and I asked the bartender if itwas his likeness on the tap handle.

“John L. who?” he asked.“The Boston Strong Boy? The last of the

great heavyweight bare-knuckle boxers?”“Never heard of him.”“My good man, in his day, which was

the 1880s and ‘90s, John L. was so famoushe didn’t need a surname, didn’t need anickname either, but a boxer without a han-dle is like a knife without a fork. Everysporting fellow in the country followed JohnL.’s exploits in the National Police Gazette,and sang his praises in barrooms and barber-shops across America. After a prizefight, themasses flocked at the train stations andwouldn’t leave until their champion gavethem a wave. John L. was such a good sport,he’d often let himself be carried away fromthe platform to the closest hotel or saloonand celebrate with the sports, be he themayor or a poor hodcarrier, like his father.John L. was that rare class of athlete whocaptures the public’s attention and keeps it.Indeed, he was the first bona fide Americansports celebrity.”

“Are you going to have a pint or aren’t ye?”I asked the barman, a thick-necked

hurler from Derry, to pull me one. As thestout settled in the glass, I told the bartenderthat John L. was born on October 15, 1858,in Boston, Massachusetts, not far fromBoston College. He inherited his temperfrom his father, a workingman who stoodfive foot two and weighed one hundred andthirty pounds; but John L. got his extraordi-nary physical gifts from his mother, whowas half a foot taller than her husband andfifty pounds heavier. John L. was born withunusually large hands and before he reachedthe age of one he delivered his aunt a fiercewallop that blackened the poor woman’seye. When a horse cart jumped its track in

Washington Street, wasn’t it John L. who setit right with nothing but his own two hands?

“Don’t you be talking!” said the barman.“John L. was a plumber and a tinsmith

and was even offered a contract to playbaseball for a club in Cincinnati, but his des-tiny lay elsewhere. He broke onto the fisticscene with a boxing exhibition when he wasstill a teenager. It seems his challenger, acowardly tough by the name of Scannell, litout as soon as John L. peeled off his shirt.The Boston youth turned to the audience andissued his famous challenge: ‘I can lick anysonofabitch in the house!’ Someone wasfoolhardy enough to take him up on it andwas promptly sent ass over teakettle into thefootlights.”

“In 1888 he signed on with WilliamMuldoon’s Variety Show, a famous wrestlerof his day, and fought Joe Goss, the greatEnglish fighter, now well past his prime.Though long in the tooth, he ‘had science’ asthey said in the day, but John L. dispatchedhim easily. When Goss was sufficientlyrecovered, he couldn’t remember the fight,and was under the impression that he’d beenkicked by a mule.”

The barman chuckled. I never knew anIrish bartender who didn’t like a story aboutan Englishman stricken with a sore head,and this one was no exception.

“Later that year,” I continued, “John L.traveled to Harry Hill’s, a notorious drinkingestablishment and dance hall on HoustonStreet—not far from where I’m sittingnow—and the preeminent place to place abet or watch a fight. John McMahan, whoboxed under the name Steve Taylor, accept-ed John L.’s offer to pay fifty dollars to anyman who could go four rounds with him.The challenger was no ordinary thug:McMahan/Taylor had sparred with the bestfighters of his day and had helped train thecurrent champion, the great Paddy Ryan, theTrojan Terror. The two men climbed into thering and John L. made him quit before thesecond round was over. In a gesture of good-will John L. was to repeat all his life, he paidthe man twenty five dollars for his troubles.”

“Good man he was,” the bartender grunted.“So they say. The following year, he

fought Cockey Woods, sparred with DanDwyer, the so-called ‘Champ ofMassachusetts’ and appeared in a benefitwith Professor Mike Donovan, the boxing

instructor at the New York Athletic Club andTeddy Roosevelt’s sparring partner. Eventhough it was only an exhibition, the profes-sorial pugilist limped home with a brokenwrist, a dislocated thumb, and a sore head.Despite John L.’s natural prowess, fightswere hard to come by. Then, as now, thereweren’t a multitude of great heavyweightfighters. So he issued a challenge to thereigning heavyweight, Paddy Ryan, butPaddy wasn’t having any of it. ‘Go get your-self a reputation,’ he is said to have snarled,and that’s exactly what our hero did.”

“You don’t say?” the barman asked.“Indeed, I do. In the last days of 1880,

John L. went to Cincinnati and fought JohnDonaldson in an honest-to-God prizefightfor the first time in his career. John L.mopped the floor with him. Afterwards, bothmen were arrested.”

“Why was that?”“Because boxing was illegal. It was

looked upon as a species of vice, practicedby thugs and cheered on by every low classof scoundrel in the country.”

“That’s America for ye.”“Boxing was a different sport then,” I

argued. “All manner of things we associatewith dirty fighting today were legal backthen: eye gouging, leg kicks, and wrestlingmaneuvers were permitted under theLondon Prize Rules. There was no limit onrounds and they lasted until someone wentdown. The rules were simple. At the begin-ning of the match, a scratch line was drawnin the turf. At the beginning of each round,the fight could not commence until eachman came up to scratch. This is where weget the expressions ‘not up to scratch’ and‘toe the line.’ If a fighter was unable to makeit to the line in the allotted time he wasdeclared ‘knocked out of time’ and this iswhere the term ‘knock-out’ comes from, notfrom being knocked unconscious.”

“That is quite remarkable,” the barmansaid, and went back to picking his teeth.

“In May of 1881, John L. went back toHarry Hill’s to arrange another fight, thistime with John Flood, the ‘Bull’s HeadTerror.’ Flood was as untested as John L.,but he had a fearsome reputation as a maulerin one of the Five Points gangs so colorfullyfeatured in the film Gangs of New York.Because the police had learned of theimpending fight, the bout took place on a

BARE KNUCKLES

barge. The fighters and sporting crowdboarded the barge at West 43rd, went up theHudson River, and moored somewhere offYonkers. Flood spent most of the match onhis back and was knocked senseless in theeighth round. Among those in attendancewas Paddy Ryan, who declared that John L.was ‘a clever young fellow.’”

“Clever as an ox.”“And as strong as one, but he would

need more than cleverness against his nextopponent: a three hundred pound black-smith who stood seven feet tall. John L.delivered him to the land o’ dreams in notime at all. John L. traveled around thecountry, taking all comers. He destroyed atugman in Chicago and in Michigan hedrubbed the Michigan Giant in a benefit.Finally, February 7, 1882, John L. got hiswish: a tilt with Paddy Ryan with a $5,000purse. This was the chance he’d been wait-ing for and our man was so determined thatnothing would come between him and hisdestiny that he cooked his own food to avoidthe possibility of contamination by one ofhis opponent’s disreputable associates. Thebout was supposed to be held in NewOrleans but was moved to Mississippi Citythe morning of the prizefight when the gov-ernor got wind of the affair. Twelve coachesconveyed 1,000 men to the match. John L.climbed into the ring with the Giant of Troyand more than held his own. He tookPaddy’s punches well and he gave as goodas he good. In the ninth round, he delivereda wisty brain-stunner right below Ryan’s earthat put the champion to sleep. When he wasrevived, he complained that his head feltlike it had been hit by a telegraph pole.”

“Felt the same meself this morning,” thebarman winked.

“And not for the last time, I’d wager.” “The country was in an uproar. It took

John L. a month to get home. Every city thathe passed through demanded that the newchampion de-train, give them an exhibition,and enjoy the hospitality of the town.

John L. had the title, I continued, butnow he had enemies as well. During his visitto Harry Hill’s in 1881, John L. had a run-inwith Richard Kyle Fox, the editor, publisherand proprietor of the National PoliceGazette, the most widely circulated weeklynewspaper in the country. Fox shrewdlynoted the increase in the paper’s sales after abig fight and was determined to make theNational Police Gazette ‘the leading prizering authority in America.’ The story of themeeting between John L. and Richard Fox,which may or may not be true, goes like this:The two men were in the drinking establish-ment at the same time. John L., a coarseCatholic workingman, is said to have had nouse for Fox, the son of a Protestant clergy-man from Belfast. Legend has it that Foxinvited John L. to his table for a drink. JohnL.’s reply was, ‘If he wants to shake myhand, his feet can do the walking,’ or some-thing to that effect. Fox was furious andfrom that moment forward, he was deter-mined to find a champion who could topplethe arrogant son of a bogtrotter, but the taskproved easier in the telling than the doing.”

“Isn’t it always the way?”“It is, but here’s the rub: Fox was so

anxious to see John L. defeated he relent-lessly promoted the contests in his newspa-per; but as John L. felled the contenders likea lumberjack clearing a forest, his fame andpopularity soared to incredible heights.Ironically, without Fox, the Boston StrongBoy never would have become John L. Themore famous he became, the more newspa-pers Fox sold. In his ardor to humiliate theman, Fox made John L. a legend. To put itanother way, the feud between John L.Sullivan and Richard Kyle Fox is the storyof the first American sports celebrity and theinvention of the modern day sports page.”

“How’s yer stout?”I sampled the beverage. It was thick

without being sludgy, creamy without beingsweet, and smooth as custard. It did notinvite comparisons to the effervescence outof St. James Gate, which is good, becausethose that do tend to have the consistency ofporridge and leave one as bloated as a sackof oats. In short, I found Bare Knuckle Stoutto be very drinkable stout, sweet to me isthat. “Is it a local product?” I asked.

“No, Anheiser Fuck-all Busch.”“I’ll have another.”

Next month: The story of Richard Kyle Fox and theNational Police Gazette.

Boxing was looked upon as aspecies of vice, practiced bythugs and cheered on byevery low class of scoundrelin the country.

–Jim Ruland

Illustration by Jim Ruland

wWhile mulling over a few health-relatednews sites recently, I looked across a sub-headline that made me cringe: “Kids WhoWear Alcohol Logos Start DrinkingSooner.” I could already smell what wasgoing on with this news item before I evenclicked the link to read the actual story.What did I smell, you ask? A familiar horse-shit scent, reminiscent to that of Tipper Goreand her do-right PMRC crusade that weretrying to spearhead an attack on the musicartists and industry for “indecent” materialback in the ‘80s.

A handful of our readers might be a tadyoung to remember Ms. Gore: she co-found-ed the Parents Music Resource Center afterhearing her twelve-year-old daughter play-ing “Darling Nikki” by Prince. Yes, go aheadand track down the lyrics. I’ll wait. Readyfor this? Following the next few years, artistslike Frank Zappa and Ozzy Osbourne wereunder heavy scrutiny by the PMRC and“warning labels” were affixed to releaseswith “inappropriate” or “mature” content,which more times than none lead to greaterrecord sales due to that warning. Here’s agood analogy: tell a toddler not to touch thetelevision. What’s the first thing they try andtouch? The stickers were and still are a fuck-ing joke. This led artists to include songs ofprotest in their recordings against Tipper andher band of religious right gypsies. One suchsong was a doozy, and it put things in per-spective about the whole over-reactive mess:a song called “Censorshit” from theRamones’ 1992 Mondo Bizzaro LP. Someexcerpts include:

Tipper, what’s that sticker sticking on my CD?Is that some kind of warning to protect me?

Freedom of choice needs a stronger,stronger voice.

You can stamp out the source, but you can’tstop creative thoughts.

Ah, Tipper come on, ain’t you been getting it on?

Ask Ozzy, Zappa, or me.We’ll show you what it’s like to be free.

Ah, Tipper come on, it’s just a smokescreenfor the real problems.

S&L deficit, the homeless, the environment.

Hey, hey all you senator’s wives better takea good look at your own lives.

Before you go preaching to me your definitions of obscenity.

The irony it seems it seems to me it’s un-American policy.

Yeah, we’ve come so far but still only to findare people like you with ignorant minds.

Here, here, Joey. And long story shortabout ol’ Tipper—count your lucky stars thather husband, Al Gore, only succeeded inbeing a vice president. Who knows how farher ridiculousness could’ve stretched hadshe a husband sitting front and center in theWhite House? But rest assured that Tippernever even thought of spinning anything off-beat or colorful on a turntable back in 1968when she was but a twenty-year-old hot-shot…give me a fucking break.

Getting back to my online news find,once reading it over, I soon saw the familiar-ities with it and Tipper’s past motives. WhatI read was research that found middle schoolkids drinking sooner than their peers were.The reason? These “earlier than most”drinkers were discovered to have worn alco-hol-branded T-shirts and hats, or ownedsome other kind of booze-emblazoned swag.The study followed 2,400 middle school stu-dents, ages ten to fourteen, who said duringan initial survey that they had never usedalcohol. The same students were surveyedagain one to two years later, at which timethey were asked if they owned any alcohol-branded merchandise and if they had evertried drinking. Overall, 14% said they hadsome alcohol-related item, usually T-shirts,caps, or jackets. These children were 50%more likely than their peers to have starteddrinking, even with factors such as schoolperformance and friends’ drinking habitstaken into account. Researchers pointed outthat these findings are similar to those ofstudies from the ‘90s that linked cigarette-branded merchandise to a greater risk ofadolescent smoking.

“It’s uncertain whether clothes or bagswith beer logos encourage some kids to startdrinking. But the study results are concern-ing enough that parents and schools shouldconsider keeping the merchandise out ofkids’ hands,” said Dr. Auden McClure of

Dartmouth Medical School in Lebanon,New Hampshire. “Besides possibly swayinga child’s own attitude toward drinking, alco-hol-branded gear turns kids into ‘walkingadvertisements’ aimed at their peers,”McClure noted in an interview. “The studyhas its limits, and it cannot establish beer-bearing T-shirts as the cause of some kids’drinking, but the findings are strong enoughthat we’re saying let’s be cautious.” McClureand her colleagues add, “For parents, thatmeans keeping alcohol-branded gear out ofthe home, while schools can do their part byrestricting students from wearing or carryingsuch items.” Adding to these findings is Dr.James Sargent, professor of pediatrics atDartmouth: “We worry about early onsetdrinking because these kids are more likelyto go on to misuse alcohol when they reachhigh school.”

Okay, let’s back it up a bit, there,McClure and Sargent. For starters, I’d need acalculator to add up how many kids I grewup with who experimented with booze (notto mention other extracurricular chemicalactivities) during our junior high years. Iremember a lot of kids my age growing up inthe late ‘70s/early ‘80s that sported the a-typical Budweiser, Miller, or Heineken shirtand/or baseball cap. (Remember thosemacramé hats made out of beer cans? Thatshit was tight.) For most of my friends (note,I use the word most) I remember wearingany of these things, I can personally vouchthat they didn’t become a raging band ofTipsy McStaggers by the time they got hand-ed their high school diploma. Sure, therewere a few who boozed it harder than others,from junior high all the way through highschool *cough*(I’m looking in your direc-tion, Cota)*cough, but that’s just the point—those who decided to did it themselves.

It wasn’t because of some CaptainMorgan’s duffel bag that a kid used in phys.ed. class that turned them into Surly Duff. Itwasn’t the kid who had the all-over Bud®print button-up shirt that turned into a pilfer-er of their parent’s liquor cabinet. It was sim-ply because he or she decided to get their sipon, to one degree or another. And guesswhat? Those who didn’t wear or own anybooze-embroidered swag, beer bonged orslugged it just as much as the next sloth atany given parents-are-gone-it’s-fucking-

“Remember thosemacramé hatsmade out of beercans? That shitwas tight.”

DESIGNATED DALE

C O M E O N N O W

IIII’’’’MMMM AAAAGGGGAAAAIIIINNNNSSSSTTTT IIIITTTT

party-time-this-weekend gatherings, as well.Anyone that was sober enough to pay atten-tion to these times during his or her youngeryears knows I’m right when I say this.

Do the clothes or other paraphernaliawith alcohol logos slapped on ‘em reallyinfluence young’uns that much to get a headstart on their pals when it comes to pimpingbeer in front of liquor stores? I honestlydoubt it, and I can safely guess that morethan 50% of kids in this age group (acrossthe board, not just the 14% of the surveyedkids) have dabbled with ye ole booze, if theywere really telling the truth, anyway. Somehigh school kids are gonna experiment withdrinking, no matter if you dress them up inSchlitz Malt Liquor Bull pajamas with feet‘n assflaps, or Captain America Underoos

(No, Nørb, I don’t have any for you). As faras McClure’s recommendation for keepingthese alcohol-related items out of the home,that needs to be left up to the parents or who-ever’s raising these kids, period. She comesoff with the “Let’s be cautious” attitudebecause of the case study results, yet empha-sizes that none of the booze merch should beallowed in homes or at school. Well, whereshould it be allowed? Nowhere, obviously.That same concern of “exercising caution” iswhat Tipper tried forcing upon the musicindustry, and man o’ Manischewitz, lookwhat that did—not a damn thing.

You want to throw a ban on influentialapparel and/or accessories that would make areal difference, McClure? Something thatcan be buried under the living room carpet

like an unwanted, dried-up stickof cat shit? How’s about shirts ornumbered jerseys that depictcelebrity sport figures that havereceived nothing more than aslap on the wrist for repeateddrug offenses or even rape? Oh,right, these individuals areheroes to many people (includ-ing children) in our country.Nothing to raise an eyebrowover, huh? How about shirts thatdepict douchebags like R. Kelly?I mean, all he really did was usean underage girl as a human driptray to catch his bodily excre-tions, right? Seems he made ateeny, tiny mistake with thatchapter of his life, so we shouldjust let that slide, too. And don’teven get me started with shirtsbearing images of the Pope on‘em. Two words: altar boys.

I’m gonna take a wild guessand say that these above exam-ples will never be taken into seri-ous consideration with theresearch committee that did thealcohol survey. They’re way toofucking easy to realize, right?Too easy too make sense of. Butif McClure ever possibly seesthings her way, silk-screenedshirts with band names like TheRiverboat Gamblers on the frontof ‘em will be finding their wayto the incinerator for instigatingdice games in junior highschools. Yeah, that’d make awhole lot more sense. Go figure.Yes, I feel strongly opposed to agroup of people trying to draw aline of morality for others to liveby, especially when it’s a conclu-sion they’ve come to by simplyexamining a case study, or evenmore scarier, what they feel “isbest.” Police your own lives andchildren, people. Keep your“best interests” and “cautious”attitudes within the confines ofyour own home.

Some people may even won-der why I raised any attention tothis, due to the fact that I don’teven drink. You’re right, I maynot drink, but I sure as hell

respect the rights of others to do so, espe-cially the right of some kid wanting to wearhis old man’s stretched-out Pabst BlueRibbon shirt. I’d rather see that kid sportinga raggedy PBR tee than some lame, over-priced Good Charlotte concert shirt. Thinkabout that, McClure. If he chooses to wearthat god awful concert tee, it means that inone to two years later you’re going to findthat he’s been influenced to completely foulup good music wherever he goes. Like GoodCharlotte, he’ll be the uninvited turd in themusical punchbowl, if you will.

–I’m Against It,Designated Dale

designateddale@yahoo.com11

Illustration by Rafael Avila • www.graythumbstudios.com

II never believed in Santa Claus and I’m abetter person for it.

Our family didn’t start celebratingChristmas until I was about twelve-years-old.A year before we began doing X-mas, webroke the hearts of our sweet white neighbors.

It was Christmas morning. I imagined thatall across the country little storybook childrenwith curly blonde hair and bright blue eyeswere manically tearing off wrapping paper andgetting totally cracked-out on all the new toysthat Santa had snuck into their homes.Meanwhile, my parents were still asleep andmy younger brothers and I lounged around ourliving room with our slanted eyes glued to thetelevision set per usual. We watched TheChristmas Story play back-to-back during amarathon showing, waiting for the scenewhere Ralphie and his folks are forced to eatPeking roasted duck instead of turkey at theChinese restaurant. We always got giddy whenthe wait staff sings “Fah-rah-rah-rah-rah Rah-rah-rah” a la “Deck the Halls.”

The only holiday décor in our house wasthe plastic foot-tall Christmas tree in the cor-ner of our living room. We bought the “tree”from the only other Asian family in our neigh-borhood. They owned a swap meet stall andwere selling them for fifteen dollars each. Butin non-white-Christian solidarity, they gave usa discount and we got it for ten bucks. Theminiature replica came fully stocked with a setof a dozen hot-glue-gunned wooden orna-ments, complimenting the cheap Made-in-China holiday aesthetics. Since we didn’t haveseasonal wrapping paper, I tore glossy pagesfrom a Target catalogue and sloppily tapedthem over toy blocks. I placed the faux pre-sents beneath the green plastic needles, com-pleting a scene that resembled a diorama ofwhat happens to your Christmas when you’reon Santa’s naughty list.

I realize what a terribly sad and patheticscene that was, but at the time it felt more likeI was playing Christmas. It was just pretend.Pretend like I believe in Santa, another whitedude with infinite power. Pretend like I’m aregular American kid, like the ones I saw onTV. But our neighbors didn’t know that. Theold Gramma-Grampa couple who lived nextdoor visited us that morning with a specialguest—Fake Santa. Imagine their surprisewhen they stepped into our home with nary agift in sight and a poor excuse for a fake

Douglas fir tucked into the corner. I don’tremember exactly how they reacted but I dorecall being stoked that our neighbors thoughtenough of us to include us in their honky cel-ebration. The day after, we went to K-Mart’spost-X-mas sale and bought a life-sized metaland plastic version of our midget tree.

Thus began our gradual assimilation intoAmerican culture, one calendar holiday at atime. Mom cooked turkey for Thanksgivingand basted the bird in soy sauce. Dad helpedus light fireworks on July Fourth and inventeda contraption to launch firecrackers, whichwere illegally purchased in Chinatown. Myparents didn’t know the history behind thosespecific dates and their importance, but theytried because they understood that it was a bigdeal to us.

Who needs to believe in a fat man in ared suit when I already believed so much inmy folks?

* * *

The Chinese Lunar calendar rang in theNew Year on January 29th, kicking off 2006 asthe year of the dog. I boarded the bus-dog, theGreyhound, and headed to southern Californiato visit family and friends for this occasion.During my stay, I inhaled glasses of San Pedroiced tea as I thrashed around and watched TheeMakeout Party play a bar, I stole hummus andavocadoes from a cheesy Hollywood loft party,and we threw Pop-Pops at each other’s assesstaggering around Chinatown. But all thedrunkenness and debauchery was second toseeing my mom. Mom in her new restaurant.

More than a decade ago Mom began workas a Chinese fast food server. She earned min-imum wage shoveling fried rice and sesamechicken into styrofoam combo boxes at HappyWok. She worked hard, constantly wipingdown counters and tables, making sure every-thing was stocked, and putting up with rudecustomers. Then she would come home after aten-hour day for her second shift as our mom,constantly cleaning up after us, making surewe were fed and putting up with our ungrate-ful yellow asses.

Dad still gets up before dawn for his forty-plus hours a week. He’s been a machine oper-ator at the same box factory for more thantwenty years. Dad is a brilliant man, but withjust an eighth-grade education—from Vietnam

no less—a job at a factory with benefits andsecurity was all he felt he could aspire to.

While dad was there for us during ourchildhood, he had a short fuse and a volatiletemper. He has since mellowed out with age,but there were times where mom sacrificedso much to keep our family together. Momlives for us.

My folks borrowed against their homewith a loan to become 10% owners of a spark-ly new Chinese take-out place, Zen ChineseKitchen. Mom is more than a part-owner, shealso works twelve-hour days as the generalmanager. When I saw her standing amongstthe gleaming freshness of a newly constructedbusiness, I was overwhelmed with pride.Everything shone and I was never moreenthused about being in a Chinese fast foodjoint. The sneeze-guard was spotless, therewasn’t a layer of grease on the counter top,and the heater lamps actually made the foodlook savory and delicious in their metal trays.

She’s still scooping heaping piles of chowmein into to-go boxes, clearing off tables, andserving others as she has been her entire life.But now it’s different, because as she isapproaching fifty years of age, she just startedher career as a business owner. In addition toher regular pay, every dime from a dollar prof-it is going to her. It doesn’t seem like much,but that’s plenty for a woman who has no realeducation and can’t read or comprehendEnglish well enough to even understand thesilly stories that I write.

* * *

As a kid, I wanted so badly to have a fam-ily like those who flashed across our televisionin half-hour intervals. Those parents spokeperfect English, had white collar jobs, andseemed so Americanly normal. Our family,and community of immigrants just like us, feltlike such an anomaly. We weren’t the rightcolor, didn’t speak the correct language, andwe shopped at a different grocery store.

My parents worked tirelessly to ensure thatwe got everything we needed and more. For acouple of refugee immigrants and their first-generation kids, some of the most mundaneoutings meant so much to us. Since mom onlycooked Chinese, it was an event everySaturday when we made our weekly trip toMcDonald’s for dinner, where my brothers and

“Who needs tobelieve in a fat manin a red suit when Ialready believed somuch in my folks?”

AMY ADOYZIE

12

MMMMOOOONNNNSSSSTTTTEEEERRRR OOOOFFFF FFFFUUUUNNNN

Double My Double Happiness

I would get the Happy Meal boxesand cherish the cheap toy that wasthrown in. I was eleven-years-oldwhen we made our first trip to amovie theatre, to watch RobinWilliams frolic as the grown-up PeterPan in Steven Spielberg’s Hook.People shot dirty looks at mom anddad as they talked through the entirefilm trying to figure out the storylineamongst a man-child and pirates.

I will never know the full extentto which my parents struggled, fromsomething as trivial as watching anAmerican film to trying to under-stand the baffling legalese of impor-tant documents. They struggled withraising obedient Chinese children ina strange culture with foreignbeliefs. We clashed over their tradi-tional values, because while myfolks wanted me to have an educa-tion and I was being told at schoolthat little girls can grow up to be any-thing their little pink hearts desired,mom and dad still expected me to bea good homemaker and someone’sfuture doting wife.

My childhood was typical ofthose who are first-generation kids. Ihad to feign ignorance when peoplemade racist remarks at our family,because how does a kid translate aslur to her folks? I’m still heartbro-ken over the fact that we can’t clear-ly communicate because I can’t ade-quately explain myself in Cantoneseand they can’t understand myEnglish. My folks fought me when Ibegan to grow into my own skin as aloud, independent, monster of funbecause I was everything they didn’twant in an ideal Chinese daughter.But so much of who I am, in mystrength and character, comes frommom and dad. They have given upon trying to change me because theyare slowly relenting to the fact thatthey created this monster.

A lot of kids hurl “I wish I’dnever been born” at their folks likeit’s a magical remedy to their prob-lems. I’ve only ever had the balls tosay it once, and I meant it. I was anangry teenager and couldn’t imaginehow hurt my parents would be atsuch a remark. They were upset thatone of their children, for whom theyhave sacrificed so much, would eventhink of uttering such disrespectfulbullshit. I meant it, but regretted itthe second the words escaped mymouth. In spite of how frustratingand lonesome it felt at times, Iwouldn’t trade those years for all theChristmas gifts in the world.

Proud is an understatement. I ammore than proud to have come fromthem. I am honored.

–Amy Adoyzieamyadoyzie@gmail.com

I am honored.

Proud is an understatement. I am more thanproud to have come from them.

TTHE MYTH OF THE VIDEOGAME-INSTIGATED FEMALE ORGASM

orIF I EVER LOSE MY MIND ANDSTART BABBLING ABOUT PANSYDIVISION’S OVERLOOKED WORTHAGAIN, FUCKING SHOOT ME

As of 4:03 PM CDT 04.08.06, i, Rev. Nørb,have reached a new low, newer than eventhe last new low i claim to have reached.The newest of new lows! I got a new lows, igot it good! Yes i knew that i always would!Or new high, i suppose, depending onwhether or not you view my writing as pri-marily buffoon value in the first place: I gotso wrapped up babbling about the Crusherand Pansy Division’s innovative use ofstuffed animals (hey, as long as the animalsaren’t duct taped first, it’s innovation) lastissue that, by the time i had finished the col-umn, i had, no shit, COMPLETELY FOR-GOTTEN WHAT I HAD ORIGINALLYINTENDED TO WRITE THE COL-UMN ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE! Imean, fuckin-a, sometimes i start babblingand i don’t get to what it was i wanted towrite about, but this is the first time i flat-out spaced it. I mean, how in the fuckingfuck do you sit down and write a column,finish it, and later realize that, somewherein mid-stream, you completely forgot whatyou had intended to write about??? In anyevent, last issue’s whole bit about jumpingthe shark was intended to set the table forme writing about the one true rock‘n’rollerwho never jumped shark—and i speak, ofcourse, of the one… the only… GARYGLITTER!!! I mean, think about it: Here’ssome tubby doofus who was the silver latex-clad Limey glam rock equivalent of ChubbyChecker. The dude is able to retire on theresiduals afforded him by a song whoselyrics consist, in their entirety, of “HEY!”,he gets thrown out of England for being achild pornography enthusiast, so he movesto Cambodia, then Viet Nam, gets bustedagain, and starts lookin’ at the very real(well, reasonably real) possibility of anyGary Glitter 2068 Comeback Special beingput to pasture once and for all via the firingsquad. THE FUCKING FIRING SQUAD!!!The Subhumans sang about it; Gary Glitterlived it! I mean, think about it: In 1977, JoeStrummer snottily sang “when I amfitter/say the bells of Gary Glitter”—twen-ty-something years later, Strummer is sixfeet under via the heart attack route, andGary Glitter’s still out molestin’ childrenand flirting with firing squads (or was he

flirting with children and molestin’ firingsquads? Well, i guess as long as there’ssome kinda molestin’ goin’ on, my thesis issupported). I mean, i realize that childmolestation is an inarguably heinousoffense, one that no one, in good con-science, should be making light of—yet,somehow, once pudgy-ass Gary Glitter isinvolved, it introduces an undeniably comicelement to the proceedings that i can’t helpbut make darkly merry with. Y’know, can’tyou see this old perv, seducing Vietnamesechildren with Opal Fruits and Jelly Dudes(even i won’t go the “stick of rock” routehere!) and singing his own frickin’ songswhile doing it? I mean, i realize it’s stillLent and all, but i can’t stop envisioningGary Glitter, in some sort of silver laméHawaiian shirt, sitting with his pants aroundhis ankles as he swills beer with his nextvictim on some bamboo couch in aGilligan’s Island style hut, merrily croaking“Do you wanna touch (UH!), do you wannatouch (UH!), do you wanna touch meTHERE? YEAH?”, can you? Or is this justme? And, if so, do i need to see someoneabout this? Anyway, okay, i’m not here totalk about Gary Glitter, although i guess ijust did. I’m here to talk about somethingserious—something sensible. I’m here totalk about masturbation with video gamecontrollers. NOW, WAIT! HEAR ME OUT! IKNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING!You’re thinking “hmmm, damn, Rev. Nørb,that seems like kind of a dry, academic sub-ject—how the hell are you gonna wringenough yuks from a musty ol’ topic like thatto avenge the inarguably shit columnsyou’ve been subjecting us to recently?” Andindeed, citizen, your concern is warranted!But fear not! I’m going somewhere withthis! (actually, i have no idea where i’mgoing with this. It just sorta seemed like agood idea at the time, because i looked at allthe other Gary Glitter song titles on the backof the CD and i couldn’t think of any morejokes) Allow me to elucidate: As you mayneither know nor care, i had a midlife crisisa few years ago, and decided to go back toschool. Most underachieving college edu-cated jerk-holes like myself who go back toschool tend to go for their master’s degree;i could never muster up any real enthusiasmin that regard (possibly because my Mom’sgot a master’s degree. She used it to becomea children’s librarian. That’s right. You needa master’s degree to read books to children.OOOOooo-kay, sure. Sign me right the fuckon up) (actually, i have this friend, Mr.Glitter, who just might be interested in

going the children’s librarian route—per-haps i’ll hip him to a course catalog if he’snot busy being executed by firing squadtoday), but i always thought it would be alot cooler to have a B.S. than the B.A. ialready have, so i am currently in the thickof pursuing a Bachelor of Science degree inthe newly minted field of DigitalEntertainment and Game Design. In short, iam going to, as my friends and family say,“video game college.” This is an excellentfield of study for me in many regards: Thecreative and art-based parts of the curricu-lum are right up my alley, and keep myever-throbbing right hemisphere placated.The logical and code-based parts of theequation stimulate my long-dormant lefthemisphere. Together, the coursework pro-vides me with ample stimulation of bothhemispheres of my brain, and allows me toharness my own natural wackiness in aforum other than writing columns aboutplatform-boot-wearing child molesters(note to self: Go back into column and addsilver platform boots to G. Glitter inGilligan’s Island hut scenario) or jumpingaround stage in antlers and a tutu or what-ever. In point of fact, game design wouldalmost be the perfect school/career choicefor me, except for one salient detail: I don’tplay video games. I don’t even like videogames. I think they’re fucking stupid(notable exceptions being Psychonauts,Katamari Damacy, and probably everythingTim Schafer has done, although you cannever find a copy of Grim Fandango aroundanywhere so who’s to say?). I’m alsoincredibly bad at them. Take Half-Life, forinstance. You play this dude named GordonFreeman, who sort of looks like a bad-assElvis Costello. There’s a dimensionalflipout at the research facility in which heworks, causing the area to become infestedwith vile extradimensional creatures. I ownthe game. I’ve played it on multiple occa-sions. I have NO FUCKING IDEA what todo after i get the crowbar in the first level.First, i break all the glass in the door. Next,i go back and bash the fuck out of theextradimensional frog-creature, because iknow from experience that he will come getme if i don’t go back and beat his brains inwith the crowbar. Then i go back to thedoor, and push every button on the con-troller a hundred million times, in everypossible combination, in the hopes that, oneday, i will blunder across the combination ofkeypresses that will cause the door to open.I basically sit there for a few minutes, tryingthis and that and the other thing, then i wail

“Don’t even getme started on thetesticle beartraps or the dangling scrotummeathooks”

16

ø LLLLOOOOVVVVEEEE,,,, NNNNOOOORRRRBBBBIIREV. NORBI

fruitlessly on the door with the crowbar fora few more minutes. Then i give up and golisten to records or something. I go onlineand find cheat/walkthrough guides forgames when i get stuck, and they almostinvariably will say something like “Pick upcrowbar and break glass in door. Go backand bash frog-creature’s brains in. Return todoor and open it.” Yeah, i KNOW “OPENIT!” OPEN IT HOW??? OPEN ITHOW??? I can and have literally sat up ‘til5 AM some nights, trying to do things likeopening doors, or floating to towers—actions so apparently mundane that walk-through guides don’t even bother to describethem in any greater detail than “open door’or “float to tower.” I FREELY ADMIT ISUCK AT VIDEO GAMES—and this, ofcourse, is an offshoot of the fact that i havelittle interest in opening doors and bashingfrog-creatures’ brains in to begin with. As

such, this forces me to think, as the kids say,“outside the box”—merely as a matter ofenlightened self-interest. I have to think ofnew and innovative forms of gameplay,because, let’s face it—i’m never gonnainvent the next great door opening and/orfrog-creature-brain-bashing-in game. Forexample, the project my class is going to bespending our final six quarters at ITT-GreenBay working on is a little ditty i whipped upcalled “The Highly Unlikely Adventures ofa Common Swiss Army Olive vs. TheRogues of Turpentine Street,” about an olivethat comes to life just in time to avoid beingspeared for a martini, and spends the rest ofthe game running around a crazy bachelorpad (the olive also picks up attachments likeknives, corkscrews, etc.—hence the SwissArmy aspect of things). Anyway, i prettymuch spend morning, noon, and night work-ing on crap for this goofy game, which real-

ly curtails my ability to wallow neck-deep inpunkness as i, lo these many years, havebeen accustomed to (WHEN WILL THISMARVELOUS MARRIAGE OF PRO-GRAMMING, ART, AND GAME DESIGNBE DONE, you ask? Current estimate:Never), therefore, sad to say, unless there isa quick and decisive influx of further glam-rock child molestations in the next few min-utes, i’m going to be reduced to writingcolumns about video game design for theforeseeable future (which, as far as my cyn-ical and buggy eyes can see, has about asmuch to do with punk rock these days aspunk rock has to do with punk rock thesedays) (case in point: By kind permission ofGoner Records and one Rich Crook, esq., iwas able to secure permission to use theKnaughty Knights “The Wenches ofTurpentine Street” as a theme song for ourgame. I told them i would try to flash the 45

photo by Megan Pants

Basically, iwould be

inventing awhole new

genre of game-X-rrated gamesthat aren't

traditionallysexual in

nature

cover on the screen before the game, just asvarious software companies/design studiosget their logos flashed on the screen prior tothe start of the game. I mean, that’s kindapunk. Sorta. But, I mean, putting aKnaughty Knights song in your video gameis CERTAINLY at least maybe as punk asgoing to the sold-out Chicago Blackout orWhiteout or Brownout or whatever the heckthey’re calling it this year and seeing theOblivians—not that i have anything againstthe Black or White or Brownout nor theOblivians—when you take into account thatmy friend Time Bomb Tom booked theOblivians at the legendary Concert Caféback when they were a REAL band andthere were exactly TWENTY paid admis-sions. TWENTY. TWO-OH. Furthermore,a significant component of the people who,today, would crawl thru ten kilometers[hectares?] of broken glass and thumbtacksjust to eat the semen-infused corn out of theturd of the Wench of Turpentine Street anyrandom Oblivian last sodomized wereindeed “on the scene,” so to speak, backthen, and, when they had the chance to seethe band FOR REAL, they blew it off. Gosee the Oblivians? Five bucks? Can’t be

bothered, old bean! Now they sell tickets tosee the posthumous Oblivians on eBay.Fuckin’A. Tom’s take on the matter: “I wishI could run a venue on bitterness”). So, yes,moving right along—video games andthinking outside the box and all like that.Well, anyway, Turpentine Street (such as itis known in the hallowed halls of ITT Tech-Green Bay) was not my first game idea thati cooked up during the pitching of ideas—that singular honor is reserved for“Welcome to the Penisphere,” a game that ithink is such a fuckin’ potential SELL-A-MILLION-COPIES-AND-LIVE-OFF-THE-RESIDUALS-IN-A-GILLIGAN’S-ISLAND-HUT-SMASH-HIT that i amloathe to discuss it in a public forum, lest myclaim be jumped, and somebody else windup facing the underage-Asian-girl-instigat-ed-firing squad that i so richly deserve.Basically, Welcome to the Penisphere is arolling game, not unlike Katamari Damacy,except instead of being a sticky ball thatrolls stuff up, you would be, essentially, arolling ball of penises (Google “penis bou-quet” for an idea of what this might looklike—if you’ve got the, er, balls to do so).You would roll thru a Dali-esque, orifice-infested landscape, achieving various objec-tives, spreading your seed throughout theland, and, of course, avoiding the variousamazingly painful booby traps (some ofwhich, one assumes, would really be boo-bies). I can assure you, Sir: “Cocknoose”ain’t just a band name any more! (don’t evenget me started on the testicle bear traps orthe dangling scrotum meathooks) Basically,

i would be inventing a whole new genre ofgame—X-rated games that aren’t traditional-ly sexual in nature (i.e. strip poker games orany other lame crap like that). Guys wouldplay it in order to fuck stuff. Girls wouldplay it in order to see the look on guys’ faceswhen they rolled their penisphere into a scro-tumhook. No one would want to put it on therental shelves with the other games, so peo-ple would hafta buy it if they wanted to playit (designers don’t get residuals on rentals,we found out). Next thing ya know, i’m peni-sphering all the way to the bank, and sittingon some bamboo Gilligan’s Island couchsomewhere, singing “I Wanna Get to ThirdBase with You” to some sloe-eyed vixen in atraining bra. Hey, it could happen! Anyway,owing to the fact that i, Rev. Nørb, gamedesigner for the 22nd Century, am plowingsuch a heretofore unfurrowed trench here, idon’t have access to much market research. Imean, were i of a mind to, i’m sure i couldfind out exactly what percentage of thegamer community enjoys games with crow-bars, doors, and frog-like creatures; attempt-ing to pin down the target audience forgames involving a penisphere is a little more

tricky. As such, i am depending on the read-ers of this column, should any remain, toprovide me with a de facto consumer basesample—assuming, of course, that you areall secretly latent gamers, who merely (andunderstandably) have lacked exposure to asufficiently groovy enough stimulus toprompt you to spend your free time sitting onthe sofa pushing buttons, in lieu of sitting inthe back hall of the local Eagles Club, push-ing each other. Cutting to the chase, the topici crave knowledge of most acutely, at thispoint in time, is the realm of haptic feedback.“Haptic Feedback,” for the uninitiated, is thephysical feedback one might receive fromtheir video game controller as they play—generally a buzz or vibration intended tosimulate impact of some sort (there arerumors that some German designers haveinvented a controller that gives the player anelectric shock when they fuck up. You canprobably think of your own smart-assremark to insert here, so i’m not even gonnabother). At one point in the pitching-of-ideasphase, i had this elaborately nuts haptic feed-back idea for a game, and my instructor, whoworked on a bunch of games, told me thatthey always had really severe restrictions onwhat they could do with the haptic feedback,for fear that any overly zany buzzing mightsend epileptic kids directly into Mr.-Sparkle-Land. I, of course, do not intend to be vend-ing my multiphallic brainchild to epilepticminors; therefore, as far as i’m concerned, ican make the haptic feedback as intense as idurn well please. Which, finally, brings meto the point of today’s column: Ladies, is it

at all possible to masturbate to orgasm usingthe vibrations from a videogame controller?I mean, i don’t expect anyone has actuallyused a controller as a masturbation aid off-hand—like, what, you just spent $99.99 onan iVibe Rabbit, i can’t imagine you’rechamping at the bit to get off by grinding africkin’ XBox controller into your crotch—but can someone out there try it? And see ifit works? Because, i mean, i need to know.For science. FOR PROGRESS! And for thefuture of the gaming industry! Because if itworks, then every game i ever design, in mylife, is gonna have at least one sequencewhere the haptic feedback can be situated assuch that girls can get off on it, were they soinclined. My pact to you, the new breed ofgamer! And, while, no, i’m not expectinganyone to dash right out there and gunk uptheir new PlayStation2 controller with lustoil, surely some of you out there are stillyoung enough to be living at home. And,again, surely some of you ladies living athome have brothers who own videogameconsoles—brothers that have surely andclearly wronged you in some manner thatcries out for VENGEANCE MOST EXQUIS-ITE!!! Well, dammit, ladies, Science won’t

wait forever!!! Wait ‘til they’re gone to themonster truck rally, sneak into their room inyour PJs, find some appropriately buzzy partof some video game or another, and give it ashot! Report back to me with your findings!The future of gaming is in your pants! Er,hands. Actually, maybe both. ANYWAY! Doit tonight! And, if you’re a willing test sub-ject, but are at a loss in determining whatgame might invoke a buzzy enough con-troller to slake your wild animal thirst, i sug-gest Majesco’s Psychonauts. You’ll need toplay long enough to collect enoughPsitanium arrowheads to purchase the dows-ing rod, then just run around with the roduntil you find a deep vein of Psitanium andthe tip starts glowing purple and the con-troller starts vibrating uncontrollably. Thatshould provide a steady and uninterruptedenough flow of haptic feedback to test mytheory fully. Of course, one of the problemsinherent in using Psychonauts as the testgame is that the character who will be on-screen as you dutifully attempt masturbatingwith the controller is Rasputin, a ten-year-old boy. Then again, just sing him someGary Glitter songs and you oughtta make outOK.

Løve,Nørb

P.S. Test subjects and/or anyone who knows3ds max and would like to contribute somemodels to our game, get in touch with me atnrevorb@greenbaynet.com. Thanks!

VENGEANCE MOST EXQUISITE!!!

19

DDinghole ReportsBy the Rhythm Chicken(Commentary by Francis Funyuns)[Edited by Dr. Sicnarf]

BUCK, BUCK,….BUCKAW! ThouChicken returneth! I have conquered and Ihave returned! The battle is over! That whichdid not kill me has made me stronger! I stoodfacing my own mortality and scratched myway to survival! I even had to abandon myliterary duties in this here punk zine lastissue, leaving those 2,000 words to my twostateside comrades. Seeing as how they wereresponsible for the first ever installment ofthe Dinghole Reports which contained NODinghole Report WHATSOEVER, I’m keep-ing Funyuns and Sicnarf out of the loop thistime around. My recent battle has given methe strength and courage to take on this col-umn single-winged-ly!

All you folks back stateside have anentire planet between you and the next killerdisease, bird flu. Scientists have been main-taining how this bird flu is practically harm-less to you humans, but to us BIRDS, well,let’s just say it’s a concern. I’ve been watch-ing reported cases popping up in Romania,Ukraine, Belarus, Slovakia, Czech Republic,Russia, and even Germany. I found myself onthis flu-free island of Poland, surrounded,threatened at every border! It was only a mat-ter of time.

Then a few months back, the headline ofKrakow’s local gazette made it quite clear.Ptasia Grypa w Polce! (Bird Flu in Poland!).They had found some dead swans on theRiver Vistula up in the northern city of Torun.This is when I went into hiding and tookexperimental measures to protect myself. Thevodka tub snorkeling kept me sterile innumerous ways, but fear finally got the betterof me. I fled to Italy in search of their localwine vaccines. Then bird flu hit Italy and Iknew it was time to face my fears.

I returned to Krakow and started to drawup my battle plans. First, there was theresearch stage. I had to learn more about myenemy. Bird flu first hit Eastern Europe inRomania. It was a twenty-hour train ride, buthad to be done. While there I learned of theirlocal fluid defense against this evasive flustrain. It’s called palinca, and resembles asort of homemade plum moonshine. Then I

found myself in the town of Sighisoara,Romania, where they have the home ofDracula. Seriously, deep in the Transylvaniaregion of north central Romania is where thereal Vlad Tepes Dracula lived. I saw hishouse, and in a pagan ritualistic manner, Ikissed his house. I KISSED DRACULA’SHOUSE! I needed all the help I could get inbattling this foe to all poultry! I felt that hon-oring the great impaler couldn’t hurt.

After gaining copious amounts of data inthe flu’s first battle ground, along with aninteresting plate of deep-fried calf brains, Ifelt learned enough to return to my own bat-tlefield. Soon after returning to Krakow, Iarmed myself with my greatest weapon,RUCKUS! Poland had somehow escaped thewrath of my ruckus for almost two years, butnow my superhero services were neededmore than ever! Two thirds of the world’sstork population lives in rural Poland (as I’veread). Imagine the inevitable impact on yourmankind were these great baby-deliverers tofall prey to H5N1. There was no time towaste. I had to act.

A short distance up the River Vistulafrom Torun lies the mild Polish city of Plock(pronounced like “pwoat-sk”). Plock is thehome of Wojtek, my fine host and supplierfor this great battle. I first spent a few daysstudying the battlefield and local climate. Ifueled up with flaki (a Polish soup made withcow’s stomach) and a fine selection of localbrewskis: Kujawiek, Kasztelan, and Tyskie.This time, Wojtek was able to supply me witha ruckus arsenal of one rather weathereddrumset, a Polish-made relic from “formertimes.” In mental preparation, I listened toplenty of old Polish punk rock: BrygadaKryzys, Dezerter, TZN Xenna, and Armia.On the evening of March 31st I had my finalpreparatory feast: knedle and szarlotka. Feastnow, for we battle in the morn.

Dinghole Report #71: Ptasia Grypa Tour!(Rytm Kurcze sightings #369 to #373)

Was it a comical omen that the greatbattle should occur on Prima Aprilis (April1st)? I precisely calculated that this wouldbe the least suspected day for such anattack. Strategical ruckus is no accident!After inhaling an extra portion of szarlotka,I met up with my Polish Ruckus Militia.

Wojtek, Agata, Kasia, Agatka, Szkielo, andBedi all fell into rank as we marched for-ward to meet the enemy. H5N1 was in theair and only one force could combat itsdeadly influence… RUCKUS!

The first confrontation took place onTumska Street, a busy pedestrian shoppingarea. I chose a stage between some courtyardentrance and some passed-out drunk on apark bench. The sign on my bass drum readRytm Kurcze “Ptasia Grypa” Tour (RhythmChicken Bird Flu Tour). I pulled on my cere-monial headdress and paused to contemplatethe importance of this Chicken gig. Not onlywas it my first ruckus on Polish soil, but thefirst in a series of audio attacks against athreat to mankind! The opening drum rollrumbled down Tumska Street. The pigeonsscattered in excitement. Poland finally feltthe tremors of my American ruckus. In actu-ality, the first battle was not very spectacular.I was not even able to wake the passed-outdrunk on the nearby bench. I deduced that hewas Poland’s first human victim to ptasiagrypa! This first Polish ruckus was notewor-thy, however, for it let the enemy know of mypresence. H5N1 could not ignore me now.

The next battle site was at the base ofPomnik Broniewskiego (the BroniewskiMonument). A handful of Plock skaters weretearing it up around the tribute to Plock’sfamous poet. They parted and made way forthe forthcoming battle. My ruckus eruptedfrom this small neighborhood square and theneighborhood kids began to gather. Whilstpounding out victorious chicken rhythms,skaters were zoomin’ and tricksterin’ aroundme. It looked more like one of those old“skate rock” videos than a fight to savemankind, but the powers of ruckus were gain-ing ground! While my militia and I werewalking off with my weapons, one littleawestruck Pole was overheard saying “Cogosc!” (What a guy!)

My Polish Ruckus Militia regrouped inthe Stary Rynek (Old Square), directly infront of the Plock City Hall. What betterplace to continue the fight, my struggle forexistence! After scanning the square for amost advantageous stage to launch my attackfrom, I decided on the area next to the sundi-al. Time was on my side, along with the likesof Mikolaj Kopernik (Nicholas Copernicus,Poland’s famous mathematician/astrologer,

“The vodka tubsnorkeling keptme sterile innumerous ways.”

TTHHEEEE DDIIIINNGGHHOOOOLLLLEEEE RREEEEPPPPOOOORRTTSSRHYTHM CHICKEN

LIKE A MONSTROUS KIELBASASTEAMROLLER...

who was actually from Torun, where Poland’sbird flu first struck!). My ruckus explodedand echoed all around the square. Saturdayafternoon pedestrians gathered around. Soon thebalconies around the square filled with confusedyet cheering Poles. A large, menacing dogbegan to snarl and roar at my tactical struggle,surely an agent of the evil H5N1! It was time forthe propaganda phase of my campaign. I heldup a sign which read Uwaga! KurczakowaGrypa! (Warning! Chicken Flu!) The Polessnickered and I began to dispense my finalround of audio blows. Were my attacks havingany effect? Would H5N1 be halted, or evenslowed down? What was to become of chick-enkind and mankind alike?

Wojtek, Agata, and I retreated back toheadquarters. We had to refuel with more szar-lotka, wine, and beer. We listened to more punkrock and drew up new battle plans. The warroom was littered with empty Krolewskie canswhen we finally marched back to war. I knew Ihad to pull the enemy into battle on my ownturf. In the far corner of Plock’s Old Square isthe most Wisconsinized tavern I’ve ever seen inPoland, Pub Grodzki. I was in a familiar envi-ronment and now had the home-field advan-tage! Numerous cheap Polish beers were dis-pensed to my militia and we toasted to theimminent victory. The pub continued to fill withan interesting cross-section of Polish society.

The Poles looked on with intrigue while Iset up my makeshift chickenkit in front of thefoosball table. I pulled on my ever-filthierchicken head to more snickers from thosearound me. One mantra repeated endlessly inmy head. FUCK N5H1! FUCK H5N1! FUCKH5N1! FUCK H5N1! Fuck H5N1, indeed!Fuck H5N1 up the ass with a barbed-wire bat!My opening drum roll was like a cleansingthunder, putting smiles on every face in the pub.

Then my violent battle rhythms roared onward.The chicken ears flew about valiantly. I haltedand raised my wings to survey the progress ofmy campaign. Pub Grodzki erupted in approv-ing applause! I began to stoke the crowd, entic-ing one side of the crowd into competitive bel-lowing against the other.

H5N1 was on the ropes, but I knew I couldnot deliver the KO without a proper cripplingblow. Just then I called upon my Polish RuckusMilitia to assist in shifting the battleground to alocation where victory would surely be mine: theladies bathroom! The bacterial foe was backedinto its own little corner for the decisive battle.Pub Grodzki has a most interesting ladies bath-room. It is behind a door in the pub’s narrowentrance. The bathroom itself is shaped like asmall triangle. From both sides of the doorframe,two walls slant back to a point behind the toilet.My militia was unbelieving and hesitant. Theydoubted my ability to cram a chickenkit intotheir ill-sized girlie shitroom. After barely fittingthe hi-hat, snare, and kick drum within the limit-ing confines (and myself on the toilet throne, ofcourse) I called for the floor tom and thenwedged it ON TOP OF the kick drum! If theRhythm Chicken can fit into a phone booth inGills Rock, Wisconsin, he can surely fit into aladies privy in Plock, Poland!

The narrow entranceway filled with unbe-lieving (and mildly drunken) Poles. Once again,my opening drumroll was like a cadence march-ing forward into battle, only this time towardsvictory! I lifted my wings to the crowd’s crazedbattle cry, and the ruckus did follow. Like amonstrous kielbasa steamroller, my internation-al assistance against this world killer turned thetables. The enemy was in retreat, back to Torun,back to Slovakia, back to Romania, back toChina, back to some dirty rural farm in Godknows where! The joyous thunder spread

throughout the pub and the crowd reached thelevel I now refer to as MAXIMUM HURRAY!In a storm of airborne beer and riotous applause,H5N1 was defeated, beaten down, hurrayed intoobscurity, gone the way of the swine flu.

One of Poland’s proud mottos from WorldWar II is “First to Fight!” since they were thefirst to offer military resistance against Hitler’saggression. Though that first fight didn’t quiteend in a victory parade, it showed the Pole’sunwillingness to being beaten down. Onceagain, they were “first to fight” against this bac-terial nazi. We did not have a victory parade,however, the victory celebration continued.Numerous polski brews were inhaled and fol-lowed by the national victory drink, vodka. Icannot overemphasize how supreme Polishvodka is. I’m not talking about that over-pricedBelvedere or Chopin crap you can get inAmerica. The Poles don’t export their goodstuff; they keep it here for themselves. Let it beknown, the H5N1 strain of bird flu was soundlybeaten into oblivion on April Fool’s Day inPlock, Poland.

After finally delivering my worldly ruckusto the Republic of Poland (and, you know, sav-ing mankind and all that), I feel once again thatmy work here is done. Three weeks from now Iwill be back in my true nest, Wisconsin. I willrecuperate and recharge my powers in the landof supreme beer and cheese curds. A little R&R(be it rest and relaxation OR rock and roll) isalways welcome after a chicken’s foreign tourof duty. After that, who knows what strange landwill require my liberating chaos?

Do widzenia, Polska. Dziekuje za wszystkopiwo I szczesliwego razy!

–Rytm Kucrze (Rhythm Chicken)

rhythmchicken@hotmail.com

21

They doubted my ability to cram a chickenkit into their ill-sized girlie shitroom.

Phot

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NNardwuar: Who are you?Juliette Lewis: You know, I’ve been askingmyself that question for a long time. But I thinktechnically my name is Juliette Lewis, and I’min a band that I titled Juliette And The Licks.And he’s one of the Licks.Nardwuar: And who are you?Todd Morse: My name is Todd Morse, andtechnically I’m in the Licks.Nardwuar: Juliette Lewis, have you been cor-rupted by rock’n’roll?Juliette: You know, I don’t think so. I may cor-rupt rock’n’roll, but it does not corrupt me, ifyou know what I’m saying.Nardwuar: But years ago, wasn’t Juliettesinging PJ Harvey covers?Todd: Ah, I can’t vouch for that. I was just bornabout three years ago.Nardwuar: You were singing PJ Harvey cov-ers a few years ago.Juliette: Yes, I did sing in, ah, this movieStrange Days which I’m so glad you saw‘cause not many people saw it. And I sang twoPJ Harvey covers, yes.Nardwuar: I think you’ve been corruptedthough, because you’ve gone from PJ Harvey,to Turbo...Todd: ...Negro.Nardwuar: You went from PJ Harvey toTurbonegro. You’ve been corrupted!Juliette: Well, okay. Technically, we never hadthe thrill to open for PJ Harvey but we did get toopen for Tur-Turbonegro. We’ve been corrected.I couldn’t—I didn’t want to say. They said it’s acolor of paint, out in, uh, Finland. Where are theyfrom? Norway, we’ve been corrected off-camera.Anyway, they are a wild bunch. I opened forthem. They have a very territorial audience, muchlike little lions, and I think we slayed them.Nardwuar: I think it’s great though from PJHarvey to Turbo...[Both laughing] Juliette: What is your problem? First of all, Ilove you and I love your name.Todd: They’re gonna edit it and we’re justgonna be saying “Negro” every five seconds.Juliette: Yeah, yeah exactly. He’s just gonnago what’s the Licks’ problem? They’re stuckin the ‘40s.Nardwuar: Todd of the Licks though, youhaven’t always been in the Licks have you?

Todd: Uh, I can’t really remember past a cou-ple of years ago. But no, I was actually inanother band for a little while.Nardwuar: You were in the H2O.Todd: You did your homework, didn’t ya? Yes,I was in a band called H2O.Juliette: Yeah, he was in an awesome punkband called H2O and you gotta do this [doesNY “gangsta pose” with hands] when you say it.Nardwuar: Has Todd told you about the great-est moment ever in H2O’s history?Juliette: [laughs a lot] What’s it gonna beTodd? No?Todd:When I played a show without screwing up?Nardwuar: No, it was a show you did in Japan,which is amazing. It even tops Turbo…Juliette: Stop it!Nardwuar: It even tops Turbonegro. What itwas is, H2O, your band, played with MCHammer and the Bad Brains! Isn’t that true? Youplayed with MC Hammer and the Bad Brains?Juliette: Isn’t he genius?Todd: How do you know all this stuff? [laughs]I actually have a picture on my refrigerator ofme and MC Hammer having a beer together.It’s pretty weird.Juliette: That’s awesome.Nardwuar:And the Bad Brains in Japan, I mean,what the hell was going on there? That’s amazing!Todd: I don’t know what was going on. I justremember some really weird, uncomfortablemoments with HR of the Bad Brains in thehotel lobby where he was really scaring people.Juliette: Who was? Hammer was?Todd: No. HR from Bad Brains.Juliette: Oh, okay.Nardwuar: How did Hammer and HR get on?Todd: I never saw them talking actually. I justknow that we were all in the lobby after theshow and HR turned to his band and said,“That’s it, I’m leaving,” and just started walk-ing down the street with no idea about where hewas going and everyone had to chase after himand let him know that he was in Japan andcouldn’t just walk back to DC.Nardwuar: Juliette Lewis from Juliette LewisAnd The...Juliette: Well, it’s Juliette And The Licks and Ilove this... yes, hello.Nardwuar: Licks, please tell me, did you guysactually play a goth costume ball?

Todd: Oh man, that is not even the weirdestthing we played. But yes, we did play a gothcostume ball in Portland, Maine. Yes.Juliette: Oh my god, that’s where this littlescuffle fight broke out in the front row and ourentire band wanted to beat up these three kids. Todd: That’s not true!Juliette: We’re not a violent act.Todd: Not like Turbonegro.Juliette: Yes, but this little scuffling, rambunc-tious… they were wicked and they were antag-onizing the audience. What am I saying? I feellike a school teacher. Anyway, I jumped on oneof ‘em like a little banshee and it was very fun.I think they liked that.Nardwuar: What did they look like? What wasit like at this goth costume ball?Juliette: You know what, I was thinking thewhole time like, “Goth: what does this mean?Who are we? Why are we here?”Nardwuar: I think it’s cool! I like that.Juliette: Yeah, it was more like Halloweenparty costumes. So what did we see?Todd: They looked a lot like our formerbass player.Nardwuar: Ba-boom![everyone laughs]Nardwuar: Get ‘em while he’s down!Juliette: He’s so way up, he’s awesome.Nardwuar: Todd of Juliette And The Licks,how hardcore is Juliette?Todd: Ah man, you know, I thought being in ahardcore band I’d seen all the hardcore, butshe’s pretty friggin’ hardcore.Nardwuar: Because I think you’re prettyhardcore, Juliette. I mean you do the stage div-ing, the crowd surfing, but a lot of people dothat don’t they?Juliette: Sure they do.Nardwuar: A lot of people do that. However,how many people crowd surf in a [yells] bikini?!Juliette: Da da da! [laughs] I love it.Nardwuar: You crowd surf in a bikini!Juliette: Yes, and you know what’s magicalabout the whole thing? It never came off. Noone touched me inappropriately. Todd: [coughs] Sorry.Juliette: There was nothing but love and joyand, you know, my favorite moment was inBudapest. I love this like, “We were inBudapest,” playing this festival for 20,000 peo-ple. I hurled myself in the audience, while theband was just rockin’ out, and there was a lot oflove and magic and I like it.Todd: Yeah, absolutely no one accosted her.Juliette: I did lose a boot, but I didn’t lose any-thing else. I just lost my shoe.Nardwuar: But is it selfish to crowd surf whenyou have no shirt on, just a bikini, ‘cause thatmeans you’re sweating a lot, right?

“You have a memorylike a hard drive. Idon’t know whereyou’re getting thisstuff. It’s amazing.”

24

WWWWHHHHOOOO AAAARRRREEEE YYYYOOOOUUUU????Todd Morse

(ex-H20, now a Lick)

Naarddwuaar VVss..JJuulliieettttee LLeewwiiss

Illustration by Mitch Clem, mitchclem.com

Todd: [laughing a lot]Juliette: Yes.Nardwuar: So does the audience likeJuliette’s sweat?Todd: I don’t know. That’s pretty hurtful tothe people, I think.Juliette: I hope they do because they getshowered up front and, I mean like, pshhhh[makes exploding noise and flails her hairaround] slow mo. I wish we could just do that.That would’ve been funny.Nardwuar: But how about Juliette, when youjump in the audience and people catch you?Juliette: Yes.Nardwuar: You slide off of them?Juliette: No, I don’t.Nardwuar: Because you’re wet? I guess whatI was wondering is, wouldn’t it be politicallycorrect before you jump in the audience tocrowd surf to put on a t-shirt? Do you thinkabout the crowd?Juliette: Let me tell you, I’m not reptilian.I’m not slithery. I don’t slide. I do acrobatics.It’s a pure, joyful thing. I don’t know whatwill go on tonight in this room. It all dependson the crowd and how I’m feeling and themagic of the moment and all that stuff.Nardwuar: I guess I was mentioning itbecause I play in a rock‘n’roll band and whenI’m on stage I take my shirt off. But anytime Icrowd surf, I always put a shirt on. Becausewhen I jump in the audience people catch me.And at the end of the gig they’re just coveredin sweat and pubic hair.Juliette: Well, hold on a second! There’s nopubes being revealed here.Nardwuar: No, from my chest hair, mychest hair.Juliette: Oh, you’re talking about me?Nardwuar: Yes, I didn’t mean yours, but Ijust meant that maybe, you know, your audi-ence would get angry if you crowd surfedwithout a shirt.Juliette: Well, let me explain something toyou. Most of the time I’m clothed. The timeyou’re talking about, was 110 degrees on theWarped Tour. That’s the bikini incident.Nardwuar: But there’s some other placeswhere you crowd surf as well, where there’sstill some skin exposed. Todd: I’m starting to go with you here. That’sreally selfish how you sweat all over the people.Nardwuar: Thank you.Todd: I’m getting a little angry actually.Juliette: I love it.Nardwuar: Has Juliette or has the band everconsidered doing a nude show?Todd: [laughs]Juliette: Um, you know what? I know whereyou’re going with this and I want it stoppedright now. [laughs]Todd: Listen, the nude show is on the bus anygiven night, let me tell ya.Nardwuar: Juliette Lewis from the Licks andTodd from the Licks, do you know what yourrecord is doing right now in Finland?Juliette: What do you mean? What it’s doing?Nardwuar: You are #2 on Amazon.comFinland!Juliette and Todd: Nooooooo!Juliette: I love this guy. High five!Todd: That’s amazing!Nardwuar: How the hell did that happen?How did you get big in Finland?

Juliette: I love that it’s Finland because thatwas our first European show. We were playingFinland and half the audience is singing oursongs and that was the first time that happenedon our European tour, so there’s somethingbrewing over there in Finland with the Licks.Nardwuar: Number two on Amazon.com!Todd: We’re super, super hot in Finland. It’sjust off the chain.Nardwuar: Todd, what sort of gifts getthrown on stage or given to Juliette or given tothe band? What sort of gifts have you guysaccumulated in your van on this tour, or yourbus? Sorry, I mean van…Todd: I believe Juliette got a bullet once,didn’t you?Juliette: Yeah, that sounds really sinister.Todd: Not in the skull or the abdomen.Juliette: Yeah, yeah, yeah. A girl gave me avery pointy bullet [sirens heard outside] andcue the sirens...Todd: Yeah, perfect.Juliette: And then I put it in my luggage andgot stopped at customs in Switzerland, Korea!Todd: Korea! Sounds good. Switzerland,Korea, you know.Juliette: Okay, whatever.Todd: One of those Scandinavian places. Juliette: And you’re asking yourself, theywent to Korea? Yes we did... [laughs] I’m bor-ing myself!Nardwuar: No, you’re not boring me though.I think it’s great you keep fans’ gifts, becauseone time again, when I was in a rock‘n’rollband, and I still am, we were given a quicheand we kept it and we eventually ate it. Haveyou been given any food?Juliette: Oh my god! Sorry, remember that cakewe got in the shape of a penis? Can I say penis?Todd: Or cock?Juliette: It was amazing and it was a doughnut;cream-filled, naturally. Uh, where was that?Todd: Uh, that was…Juliette: That was in our dressing room.Todd: We got the cake penis, the penis cake,at... at... Portland.Juliette: Portland, Oregon, everybody![clapping]Nardwuar: Did you eat it?Juliette: You know what? It got stolen anddefaced and we all wanted to eat it.Todd: Don’t lie. We found our guitar playerwith it in his bunk.Nardwuar: Juliette And The Licks, and Toddof the Licks, tonight you guys have someheavy competition. Do you know who you’reup against? Who’s playing in Vancouver,British Columbia?Juliette: We heard.Todd: Henry Rollins. We heard HenryRollins, right?Nardwuar: How are you going to do againstHenry Rollins? Is he going to take any ofyour fans?Todd: I’ll take this one. We have guitars, hedoesn’t. That’s all I got to say.Nardwuar: Ba-boom!Todd: And drums! Ba-boom!Juliette: And you know what? I might havebigger muscles. Not sure, but I would want todo a muscle off. I just invented what that is,with Henry Rollins.Nardwuar: Have you done any gigs with himor have you done any movies with him or are

you good friends with Hank? Could Hank bedropping by after?Juliette: Oh my god, is his nickname Hank? Ibet he doesn’t like that and he might beat you up.Nardwuar: No, he calls himself Hank.Juliette: He does? I wanna call him Hank. Youknow who else is Hank, the singer of Turbo…Juliette and Todd: Negro!Nardwuar: A running theme in this inter-view! Now Juliette Lewis, I interviewed a fewyears ago a man named Elijah…Juliette: Wood?Todd: Woody?Nardwuar: Elijah Wood. And I asked himabout the punkers in Hollywood. Who arethe punkest people in Hollywood and hesaid David…Todd: Lee Roth? [laughs]Nardwuar: David Cross. David Cross wasone of the punkiest in Hollywood. Who arethe other punks in Hollywood? I mean, ElijahWood is a punk. He’s going to be playing IggyPop, apparently. Juliette: Right.Nardwuar: Is David Cross a punk? He’s apunk isn’t he?Juliette: I think what we more need to say is“non-conformist.” That’s the proper term. Butdo you need to ask who’s a punk inHollywood?Nardwuar: Uh, ah... Juliette!Todd: Lewis.Juliette: [laughs] Yeah.Nardwuar: Juliette Lewis is a punk inHollywood. But I mean just to add to my list.Because David Cross said, and I asked himabout it. I said, “Hey, David Cross, I talked toElijah Wood...” David Cross said there’s asecret tree house where the punks inHollywood all meet. David Cross, ElijahWood, and I was wondering, can we addJuliette Lewis, or is there anybody else we canadd to the tree house?Juliette: Oh yeah, okay.Todd: Ryan Seacrest.Nardwuar: Uh…Juliette: You stumped him. Look, he’s hurt.There was a tear.Nardwuar: I don’t know what to do?American Top 40?Juliette: We don’t know what to do. Nardwuar: I was thinking perhaps JustinTimberlake, because it is rumored he’s goingto be playing Johnny Rotten in the JohnnyRotten story.Juliette: Shut up! I’m leaving.Nardwuar: Johnny Rotten wants him toplay him!Juliette: Stop it.Nardwuar: Johnny Rotten wants him toplay him.Todd: We’ll have to have a talk to Steve Jonesabout this, see what he thinks about it.Juliette: I know, I’m sure he’ll have some-thing to say.Nardwuar: Are you going to be doing a moviewith Dave Cross’ good friend Bob Oden…Juliette: Odenkirk! I so wish this moviewould get made. It’s called The Fuck Up. CanI say The Fuck Up? Todd: Fuck Up.Juliette: Anyway, it’s from a brilliant bookand they don’t have their financing and this isthe frustrating thing about the movie business.

26

It’s a brilliant story, blah, blah, blah. I would bein it. It’s not made yet, maybe later.Nardwuar: Did you follow Mr. Show at all?Juliette: I love Mr. Show.Nardwuar: Did you see the skit that involvedyou, IDS, Imminent Death Syndrome.Juliette: No! What does that mean? Thatsounds awful?Nardwuar: I’m not exactly sure, but Bob andDavid came up with that and now you’re doinga movie with Bob. That’s so great.Juliette: But why did it involve me?Nardwuar: I think you were one of the celebri-ties mentioned in it or something like that.Juliette: Oh, great.Nardwuar: You can go check that out ifyou want.Juliette: Great.Todd: You’ve got a little David Cross thing

going on yourself here and you seem a littleobsessed as well. Is there something we don’tknow about?Nardwuar: Well, David Cross is a great fanof Vancouver, British Columbia and herecently appeared in a video by a local bandcalled The New Pornographers and every-body loves the Crosser.Juliette: The New Pornographers, they’re alocal band? That’s so exciting. I want to checkthem out as well.Nardwuar: Juliette Lewis and Todd from theLicks, you guys have a song called American…Todd: Boy!Nardwuar: “American Boy.” Now speakingof all-American boys. Oliver Stone. A fewyears ago, I did an interview with him, andafterwards my friends got mad at me because Ididn’t ask him about pissing in a cup.Juliette: He pissed in a cup?Nardwuar: What do you know about OliverStone pissing in a cup, Juliette Lewis? Youworked with him. I heard he’s so intense hewon’t leave the set and he will only piss in a cup.Juliette: Oh no, that sounds like a great littlestory, but I believe he just uses a bathroom likeeveryone else.Todd: I do that!Juliette: Todd, however…Todd: I do that.Juliette: Not to mention some other things.Todd: My biggest pet peeve is when thereisn’t a bathroom in the dressing room, so I’vebeen known to pee in a bottle or two. Yeah,me and Ollie.

Nardwuar: So you’ve maybe heard some-thing about this? Like, what basically I’mcoming to is he was so intent on his work, hewould not leave the set. They had to bring acup to him and he pissed in a cup and thenthe cup was poured in a toilet. Have you metpeople like that, that are so intense, asidefrom yourself?Juliette: I hate to tell you this, but I’ve neverheard this story and they had porta-potties onthe set. [laughs]Nardwuar: No, this is good.Juliette: I’m sorry!Nardwuar: No, it’s good because people wereangry at me, “You didn’t ask him! You didn’task him about pissing in a cup!”Todd: He has been known to crap in his direc-tor chair, though.Nardwuar: Todd, what can you tell me

about Juliette Lewis’ family, namely fatherand brother?Todd: [laughs] Well, they accepted me as oneof their own and I’ve been sworn to secrecy. Nardwuar: Because your dad [directed toJuliette] was in one of my favorite movies ofall time!Juliette: What was it?Nardwuar: Guess.Juliette: Bronco Billy?Nardwuar: No, Tango & Cash.Juliette: Was he in that?Todd: [laughs]Nardwuar: He was in that.Juliette: I didn’t even know that.Nardwuar: Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell.Juliette: Yes, I know this.Nardwuar: And your brother is going to be ina movie with, believe it or not, Kato Kaelinand Seymour Butts!Juliette: No, no. His friend does this weirdcomedy cable access show. They’ve knoweach other since he was thirteen.Nardwuar: But I think that’s great. Like, Imean, those are just amazing things—KatoKaelin, Sylvester Stallone. I just love it, thethings involved with the Lewis family.Juliette: Oh, please.Todd: You have a memory like a hard drive.I don’t know where you’re getting this stuff.It’s amazing.Juliette: Can I celebrate our Amazon #2 victo-ry in Finland? Nardwuar: Sure, why don’t you welcomethem over?

Juliette: Licks come in here! [clapping] We’re#2 in Finland on Amazon!Todd: That means some sucker’s #3 in Finland!Nardwuar: You guys are #2 on Amazon.com.I wish we had a little plaque for you guys orsomething like that.Juliette: A little sign. See, we really deviatedwith this interview. Maybe people changed thechannel and came back, so now we’re back.Nardwuar: Hey, maybe they were neverwatching! Ba-boom!Juliette: Oh! Turbonegro.Nardwuar: I was wondering, Juliette, you didthe movie Hysterical Blindness and didn’t thedirector make everybody do yoga? Juliette: Oh my god! Look at that! He’sgenius! Who would know this? You musthave secret spies planted across thenation. Yes she did. People did yoga early

in the morning. Isn’t that great?Nardwuar: So is there a bit of Hysterical-ismson stage every night? A bit of movie influencein the Licks?Juliette: I don’t know. For us, it’s about therock band, the guitar riff, the rhythm and justcuttin’ loose, cutting loose. Why do I turn intothe ‘50s?Nardwuar: I like the word “cuttin’ loose.”Todd: Isn’t that a wine cooler?Nardwuar: Cuttin’ loose reminds me ofthat tune “Bustin’ Loose.” Do you guysremember that?Juliette: Hey, c’mon down, we’re cuttin’ loosehere with the Licks!Nardwuar: Well, thank you very muchJuliette And The Licks. Anything else youwanna say to the people out there?Juliette: I do. [sings] You know the Licks arealive. They’ll come to rule your heart so openup your damn mind! [Juliette walks way]Todd: Yeah, you heard her!Nardwuar: All right, well thanks very muchJuliette Lewis from Juliette Lewis and the... Juliette: Oh my god, you stole my exit! It wassupposed to be so theatrical.Nardwuar: We just have to finish off. Andthank you Juliette Lewis from Juliette LewisAnd The Licks and doot doola doot doo…Juliette: Doo doot.

To hear this interview log onto www.nardwuar.com

You know what's magical about the whole thing?No one touched me inappropriately. -Juliette

Chrystaei Branchaw’sPhoto Page

the E vaporato r s

BBoon has me framing interior walls,which, as far as duties on the carpentry crewgo, is fucking awesome. My feet are on theground. The roof is already built and I’munder it. There’s no heavy lifting. The dipshitbrothers—Dale and Dave—are on the otherside of the house, so I don’t even have to dealwith them. It’s just me and my hammer andtwo-by-fours. I’m feeling lucky.

Boon calls out to me, “Hey, Chris.”“Yeah?” I call back.“Get out here,” Boon says. This surprises

me. Usually, he just calls out my name and,when I answer, he says, “Just checking ass-holes.” Which shouldn’t be funny to me butsince he says it five or ten times a day, it is. I’mactually a little disappointed that he’s callingmy name because he actually wants some-thing. I slide my hammer into my tool belt andwalk out front.

Boon’s standing there with Mr. Schweller.Mr. Schweller is the shop teacher at my highschool. I’m not sure what he’s doing on the jobsite. I walk over to those guys.

Boon says to me, “You know this guy?”“Yeah,” I say.“Was he your teacher?” Boon asks.“Kinda,” I say. Because I never took a

shop class with Mr. Schweller, but he was incharge of the study hall I took last year. Hewas great. On most days, he’d let some of theguys in the class gather around his desk andhe’d tell us drinking stories. He was a hero tous all. But I don’t know if that counts as beinga teacher. Still, I say, “Yeah, I guess.”

“Good guy?” Boon asks.Mr. Schweller looks at me. I gather that

he’s here about the job. Boon’s hiring a newcarpenter, and I guess Mr. Schweller’s lookingfor summer work. I look back at Mr.Schweller. “He’s probably too good for thiscrew,” I tell Boon. “He can build furniture andshit. He should be working trim.”

“That true?” Boon asks.“I like framing,” Mr. Schweller says. “The

sun. The fresh air.”Boon nods his head. He says, “Well, we

need a good carpenter or we’re all gonna getfired. We’ve been on this little house threeweeks already. We need to bang it out in acouple of days or the bossman’s gonna givethe next house to someone else. And all I gotworking with me right now is the kid…”Boon points at me. “…and my two sons. Andthose two guys, they’re about as worthless astits on a bull.”

I’m a little surprised at what Boon’ssaying. I never really thought about theboss getting fired, but I guess everyoneworks for someone. Also, I heard the lastthing he said wrong and so I say,“Worthless as tits on a whore?”

“Tits on a bull,” Mr. Schweller says, everthe teacher. “Tits on a bull are worthless. Titson a whore are a good thing.”

Boon hires him on the spot. They’re twopeas in a fucking pod.

At first, it’s a little weird working with myteacher. I’m half expecting him to give me adetention when I cuss. Plus, he’s cutting in onmy sweet job. He makes it easy for me,though. First, he tells me to call him by hisfirst name, Dave, which I can’t do because 1.)he was my study hall teacher and 2.) there’salready a Dave on the crew. So he says,“Schweller, then. No Mr.” I agree.

Schweller also shows me a quicker way togo about framing these walls. He shows mehow much more efficient it all is if you justthink a little before getting started. His systemworks well. We get right to it, and bylunchtime, the interior walls are banged out,standing, level, secure. I’m impressed, and Iwas there doing it.

We take a lunch break. It’s immediatelyclear that the dipshit brothers aren’t exactlyhappy about the new hire. Dave says toSchweller, “Be careful. You let the boss knowhow fast you can work and you’ll have towork that fast every day.”

Schweller nods. “That’s why I took mytime with those walls,” he says.

Boon laughs at this. “Everyone ain’t likeyou,” Boon says. “We can’t all work like wegot a piano on our back.”

Dave shuts up.I know these guys, though. If they can’t

rag on Schweller, they’ll just turn to me. And,sure enough, Dale steps up to the plate. “Hey,Chris,” he says, “I hear you don’t like tits onyour whores.”

“Fuck you, Dale,” I say.Dale smiles. “So it’s true, then. You don’t

like tits on your whores. Is it all part of yoursick transvestite thing?” Dale turns toSchweller and says, “Chris has a thing fortransvestites.”

“I don’t have a thing for transvestites,” Isay, even though I know it’s the worst thing forme to say because once you deny something tothe dipshit brothers, you’re convicted. They’re

gonna rag on me for the rest of the summerover this transvestite thing, which is so stu-pid that I don’t even want to go into it. I sayto Schweller, “Dale has a thing for crackwhores.” Which is true. And I add to Dale,“And maybe we all don’t have to chasedown whores. Maybe some of us can dateregular girls.”

“They’re all whores,” Dale says. And thenhe’s off again, giving me instructions on theright way to pick up a whore, the best places togo to find them, the best places to take themonce you’ve found them, all that shit. Daleloves hookers. He loves to spread his hookerwisdom. I just eat my sandwich and try to tunehim out. Lunchtime is back to normal, with orwithout the new guy.

After lunch, Schweller and I get to workbuilding pony walls. Pony walls are the littlewalls that connect the regular eight foot wallsto the vaulted ceilings. Usually, Dale and Davedo this, but they’re busy taking their post-lunch nap and Boon wants to see how wellSchweller can work, anyway.

Schweller’s a good worker. His first thingis safety. We build a scaffold. We set upsawhorses and get lumber. Schweller showsme how to make angled cuts with my skillsaw, and I do the cutting. He stands on thescaffold, takes the measurements and buildsthe actual walls. It’s the most intricate workI’ve ever done on a construction site. I knowthis makes me sound like a dork, but I’mstoked about this job. I get to use my brain alittle bit. I get to work a little harder, and timestarts to fly by.

Schweller wants to chat in between thebuzz of the saw and the shouting of measure-ments. He says, “I don’t think Dale and Davelike me.”

“Fuck ‘em,” I say.“Come on, Dunbar,” he says to me.

“Are you supposed to talk like that aroundyour teacher?”

I get bold. “Fuck you, Schweller,” I say.Schweller smiles. “So it’s like that, huh?”“Don’t worry about the dipshit brothers,”

I say. “They know their dad ain’t gonna firethem. They’ll just be happy that you’re work-ing hard so they don’t have to.”

“You’re probably right.” Schweller lines hislevel up for the next stud, makes a mark in thetop plate, takes a measurement, and calls it downto me. I cut the stud and hand it to him. He says,“Thanks.” With four shots of the nail gun, the

“I guarantee herself-esteem’s toolow to say no toa guy like you.”

SEAN CARSWELL

Schweller Dipshit Brotherstheand

AA MMOONNKKEEYYYY TTTTOOOO RRIIIIDDDDEE TTTTHHHHEEEE DDDDOOGGGG

30

stud is in. Schweller sets the nail gun down onthe scaffold and says, “And, fuck you, Dunbar.”

Boon walks by right at that time.“That’s what I like to hear,” he says. Helingers for a minute and checks our work.He watches me make the next cut. After Ihand the stud to Schweller, Boon says, “Letme show you something.”

He has me stand over at my saw stationand take a measurement. “Now when you leanover to make your cut… Here, I’ll just showyou. Lean over to make your cut.” I do what hesays. He licks his finger and sticks it in my ear.

“Goddamn it,” I say, trying to wipe awaythe wet willie.

Boon laughs and walks away.Schweller’s laughing, too. It’s easy for

him. He’s up on a scaffold. You’d have toclimb a ladder to give him a wet willie. Hesays, “It’s non-stop with these guys.”

Twenty minutes before quitting time, allbut one of the pony walls are built. We have thescaffold built for that last one and we’ll have itdone by the end of the day. Boon is happy.Happy as a tick on a hound’s ear, as he’d say.Now that Schweller’s here, none of us aregonna get fired. Dave and Dale could give ashit. They’re sludging along like normal.Schweller’s feeling good. He’s talking about

girls. He’s been talking about his girlfriend foran hour now, telling me things that I probablyshouldn’t know. Some of it goes over my head,too, because I’m just not that experienced.Anyway, after an hour of this, Schwellerdecides to ask me about my love life, whichisn’t really happening right now. He says, “Areyou still dating that Bracco chick?”

“No,” I say.“She dump you?” he asks.I don’t want to say what really happened,

so I just say, “Yeah.”“Too bad,” he says. He takes another mea-

surement and calls it down to me. I make thecut and hand it to him. He nails it and says,“What about Heather DeKalb?”

“What about her?” I say.“You should ask her out,” he says.

“Twenty-three and five-eighths.”I grab a two-by-four and lay it out on the

saw horses. “How do you figure?” I ask. I takemy tape measure out of my tool belt and makea mark twenty-three and five-eighths inchesdown the two-by-four.

“She was waiting for you to ask her out alllast semester,” he says.

I hold off making the cut. “How doyou figure?”

“Every day she asked you to help her withher math homework. She’s not that bad in math.”

“Really?” I say.“Cut,” Schweller says.I make the cut and hand it to him. I say,

“I don’t think so. That chick is way out ofmy league.”

Schweller nails the top of the stud in.“Don’t sell yourself short,” he says. “Herdad’s a drunk and she failed typing last year.I guarantee her self-esteem’s too low to sayno to a guy like you.” He shoots the bottomof the stud in, sets down the gun, and picksup his level.

“I don’t know, man,” I say. “I can’t evendrive yet. I’d have to ask her out and ask herto pick me up. It’s not cool.”

“You’re not sixteen yet?” Schweller asks.“Not until next month,” I say.Schweller calls down the measurement

and says, “It don’t matter. She’ll drive. Chicksdon’t really care that much about the car youdrive and that stuff. It’s all a myth.”

I kinda think that Schweller’s lying to meand I kinda want to believe him regardless.Heather DeKalb is a good looking girl. I hadthe worst crush on her the whole time I wastutoring her in math. And now that Schwellerbrings it up, I realize that he’s right. She’s notthat bad at math. I’m not that good at it. Therewas even one time when I was trying to walkHeather through the quadratic equation and Ifucked it up and she corrected me. MaybeSchweller is right about that girl. I cut the studand hand it to him.

He looks at me and says, “You’re thinkingabout it, now, aren’t you?”

“Nah,” I say. “I can’t ask her out. A chicklike that. She’d eat me alive.”

“Hell, that’s what you want.”I’m starting to be convinced, but still I

shake my head.Schweller nails in the stud and says,

“Look, Dunbar, I’m gonna tell you somethingthat I wish someone told me when I was fif-

teen. Are you listening?”I nod. I’m all ears.“Women aren’t a mystery. I’m gonna tell

you everything you need to know aboutwomen.” He points down to a scrap two-by-four on the slab. “Pick that up,” he says, “andwrite this down.”

I pick up the scrap and take my pencil outof my tool belt.

“Here’s everything you need to knowabout women: compliment their shoes and actlike you’re too good for them.”

I jot down “nice shoes” and “act too goodfor them.” I look up to Schweller, but appar-ently, he’s done. I say, “Is that it?”

“Well, that and do the opposite of every-thing the dipshit brothers tell you to do.”

I don’t need to write that down. I’ve fig-ured that part out on my own. I just take thenext measurement and start cutting.Schweller keeps an eye on me. Ever theteacher, that guy. I’m still not sure what tomake of his advice, but it’ll be easy enoughto test when I get home. All I have to do iscall Heather and see what happens.

–Sean Carswell

Illustration by Brad Besahw

Dan Monick’sPhoto Page

Jenny Angellilo’sPhoto Page

36

Fresh off a mini-tour of the west coast,including a stop in Las Vegas for theannual BYO Punk Rock BowlingTournament, The Dents found time tosit down with me for a cup of liquidrefreshment before they played a typi-cally tight and energetic set at TheMiddle East club in The People’sRepublic of Cambridge, Massachusetts.Sitting around a table in the MiddleEast restaurant, the members of TheDents don’t look like your typical punkrockers. They look like regular peoplewith jobs, bills, and responsibilities. Noglitz or glamour, no mohawks orleather jackets with hand-painted por-traits of Sid Vicious on the back—justjeans, T-shirts and down jackets (hey,it’s cold in Boston in February). And onstage it’s not a lot different. Sure, JenD’Angora and Michelle Paulhus—theco-front-women—add a bit of makeupand hairspray, and they might find ashort dress or a studded belt, but whenyou’re the best live band in Boston youdon’t need all the gimmicks and flash.What is it about The Dents that makesthem so great? First of all, the songs.That’s where it always begins, no mat-ter what type of music you’re talkingabout. Next, you’ve got two dynamicvocalists, who not only look spectacu-lar, they are both strong enoughsingers to carry a band on their own,but neither have such a big ego theycan’t make room for the other. In fact,it’s exactly the give and take and thesharing of the spotlight between thesetwo that lifts The Dents above the restof the crowd. Of course, it doesn’t hurtto have a guitarist the caliber of CraigAdams, who can play anything fromAngus Young to Johnny Thunders and

from Billy Zoom to Steve Jones. Roundit all out with the rock solid drummingof Kevin Pickering and the result is aband that plays punk rock with popmelodies, but is much more than a poppunk band.

Brian: You guys are just back from the westcoast. What was the highlight of that?Michelle: The bowling tournament in Vegas wasgreat. There are all these punk rock kids from allover the country drinking and bowling and hear-ing live music. And then, all of a sudden, they allrush out to the lobby and start chanting, “Lasers,water.” It was really weird. Then the laser andwater show starts, and it’s amazing. Craig: There are these life-sized animatronicanimals, and lasers, and water.Michelle: And then they play this song, “Proudto Be an American,” and all the punk rock kidsknow all the words and they’re all singing along.Crazy. Craig, do you have any pictures of that?Craig: [reaching into his coat pocket to retrievehis digital camera] Funny you should ask. I justhappen to have some here. [He passes the cam-era to me and I check out the surreal scene, com-plete with a giant bald eagle and grizzly bears.And, of course, lasers and water.]Brian: That looks wild. They were all singingthat terrible Lee Greenwood song, though?Craig: It was pretty surreal. Jen: I’d say the other highlight of the tour wasplaying the Anarchy Library. Johnny Angel,who’s been a huge help to us, hooked us up withthat show.Brian: I read that article he wrote about you inthe L.A. Alternative. He said, “The Dents fixpunk.” That’s gotta be nice to hear that fromsomeone like him, who’s been around. Back tothe bowling thing for a minute though: did youguys bowl?Michelle: No, we performed that weekend atThe Double Down, but we didn’t bowl.

By Brian MosherPhotos by Miss Jenny Angelillo

One of the firstreviews for theCD said some-thing about thereviewer beingkind of intimi-dated by the“homo cobra” on the cover‘cause of therainbow colorsin it.

Brian: And I heard you tried the bacon mar-tini at The Double Down?Michelle: No way. Some things should notgo together. I mean bacon and gin...it’s notexactly chocolate and peanut butter.Craig: Hey, you got bacon in my gin! Yougot gin in my bacon!Brian: Did you hear any bands while youwere out west that impressed you?Craig: The Briefs were really impressive.They play Boston quite often.Michelle: The best was Dynamite 8. Theyplayed that weekend. Their singer is thismid-forties housewife, just as nice and sweetas you can imagine, and then she gets onstage and she’s dynamite. Plus, after her ownset, she sat in on drums for Kitty And TheKowalskis. She calls herself Rawk Mom,that’s R-A-W-K.Brian: That is the best way to spell it.Craig: We were sitting at a table with her,just talking, and I thought she was just this

nice lady. When she left they told me she wasthe singer for Dynamite 8 and I thought,“Hmm, that’s interesting.” Then I saw her onstage and it was amazing.Brian: Tell me about recording the CD, Timefor Biting, with Dave Minehan (of TheNeighborhoods).Michelle: He is so patient and so knowl-edgeable. He knows how to get the best outof you.Brian: The guitarist for The CountryDoctors told me that he learned more aboutplaying guitar in a few hours with Minehanthan he had in twenty years of taking lessonsand practicing.Jen: I’d agree with that. He helped me a lot,just with things like what strings to use andamplifier settings and things like that.Brian: I keep seeing all these jokes aboutThe Homo Cobra, in reference to the coverof the CD. What’s that about?Michelle: [looking at Craig] You want to tellthat one?

Craig: Well, when we were thinking aboutthe cover art and the title of the CD, I saidsomething about how when you’re backedinto a corner, it’s time for biting, like a cobra.We all kind of liked the idea and we werereally happy with the artwork that Ian cameup with for us. Then, one of the first reviewsfor the CD said something about the review-er being kind of intimidated by the “homocobra” on the cover.Michelle: ‘Cause of the rainbow colors in it.Craig: Right. Since then it’s just becomesort of an inside joke.Brian: Got it. Tell me about the writingprocess. Do you two—Jen and Michelle—write together, or do you each write separately?Jen: Michelle and I each bring songs in tothe band, so, for the most part, we write sep-arately. We wrote “Here He Comes” togeth-er, and I wrote parts of a new song ofMichelle’s called “Crawling.” So we’re opento each other’s ideas. She’s an awesome per-son to toss ideas around with.Michelle: Right. For the most part, Jen and Iwrite stuff on our own but always work par-ticular song stuff out together before bring-ing it to the whole band. Stuff like harmoniesand some song arranging. I love workingwith Jen and I think our songwriting stylesreally work well together.Brian: When you were putting The Dentstogether, did you say, “Let’s make a bandthat sounds like this,” and then look for othermusicians to fit that or did you say, “Here aresome people I want to play with,” and thenlet the sound come organically from that?Michelle: Definitely the latter. I had playedwith both Gino and Craig in The Decals and Iknew Jen from The Other Girls, this coverband we played in together. I love Craig’splaying and I really wanted to get another bandtogether with him, and Jen and I really wantedto work together, so it just came together.Brian: I know Jen is also in The Downbeat5. Do the rest of you have any other bandsgoing on currently?Kevin: I’m currently in Golden West MotorLodge. I’ve been playing with them forabout three years.Craig: Bipolarcoaster is an ongoing musicproject that I do with some of my closestfriends just for the hell of it. It’s more influ-enced by hardcore and underground metal. Itis hard to focus on Bipolarcoaster for me.I’m not the promotional machine that Jenand Michelle are. Michelle: The Dents are my main, full timeband. I also still play in The Other Girls.Brian: Is that where you and Jen met, in TheOther Girls?Michelle: We met originally when TheDecals and Downbeat 5 played a few showstogether. But we really connected musically

when we started playing in the Other Girls.At least that’s what I remember. Jen mightremember it differently.Brian: Tell me about The Decals.

Michelle: The Decals were my first seriousband. It was me and Nicole Johnson (nowNicole Anguish). We started around 1999 orso. Like The Dents, the band was fronted bytwo females, although I don’t think oursound was exactly the same. Eventually,Craig (Adams) and Gino Zanetti (originalDents drummer) joined the band. Brian: And Gino was still drumming forThe Dents when you recorded the CD?Michelle: Right….Kevin: Yeah. I have a habit of joining bandsright after they record. I joined The CoffinLids right after they got out of the studio fortheir Rock and Roll CD that Bomp put out.Brian: You’re always just a bit late, huh?You’ve been in The Dents for quite a whilenow, though?Kevin: I joined The Dents in October of2004. I knew Michelle from working at theAbbey Lounge (in Somerville, MA).Brian: You do sound there? Did you go toschool for that?Kevin: I did go to school for audio. At thetime it was called MassachusettsCommunications College, or Mass Comm.It’s now called Art Institute of New England,or AI. I did an internship at Q Division stu-dio, then worked there as an assistant for acouple of years before I started at the Abbey.I’ve been working at the Abbey for sevenyears now.Brian: You mentioned Johnny Angel beforeas someone who’s helped you out. The firsttime I saw The Dents was the night of TheBlackjacks reunion at The Abbey Lounge. Jen: Right, and he has been on a completelyselfless mission of trying to help get The Dents“noticed” ever since. He really is an angel.Brian: In one of the articles he wrote recent-ly about you he said, “Droning and locatedsomewhere between Arabic wail andAppalachian twang, this is a duo that isunmatched anywhere at the front of a mod-ern band.” That’s big stuff from a guy who’sbeen in some pretty significant bands of hisown (besides The Blackjacks, Johnny wasalso in The Thrills and The SwingingErudites). How do you guys describe TheDents to people who haven’t heard you?Jen: Well, we are quite obviously pop punk,but not in the crappy emo or Avril Lavignesense. We’ve got the pop melodies and har-monies heard in girl groups, but we’ve alsogot a punk, rock’n’roll sound influenced byBoston punk rock bands before us. We’vebeen compared to other bands, but I don’tthink anyone can say we sound like one bandin particular.

Some thingsshould not gotogether. I meanbacon and gin...it's not exactlychocolate andpeanut butter.

38

Michelle: Yeah, I’d say, “Fast paced andaggressive rock’n’roll, wailing guitarsolos and driving drumbeats.” We’re notafraid to have big, hooky choruses andlots of harmonies.Craig: The Dents music is influenced byvery obvious influences that we all share.In terms of me personally, I try to graftEast Bay Ray, Billy Zoom, Ross theBoss, Steve Jones, and Captain Sensibleall into The Dents sound.Brian: Okay, so what’s upcoming forThe Dents?Michelle: Well, we’re heading out westagain soon to play in the Stockage festi-val that the Descendents put together. Wegot hooked up with that through ourfriends Drag The River. One of them is inthe band All with one of theDescendents. Jen: And we just finished recordingsome songs for a split single with DragThe River.

Michelle: It’s got two new songs fromeach band, plus we each cover two songsby the other band.Craig: So Drag The River did a coupleof Dents songs in their country-ish style,and vice versa.Brian: That’s a great idea. I can’t wait tohear that. Before I let you go do yoursound check, I heard Craig do a spot-onChristopher Walken imitation, talkingabout cow bells…Michelle: Craig is a very talented mimic.I’ve been told that he does a good imita-tion of me also, but I haven’t heard it.Craig: No, that’s not true. [Winks andwhispers that he’ll do it for me later.]But Michelle has that double jointedelbow thing.Michelle: Oh yeah, I can do this. [Sheproceeds to do something indescribablewith her elbow, basically turning itinside out, with her arm extended overher head and slightly behind.] And I can

do this. [She stands up, places her handflat on the seat of the chair, and rotatesit 360 degrees.]Brian: That is weird. Are any of yourother joints double jointed?Michelle: The other elbow, but not asmuch. Nothing else, though.

Personally, I can’t wait to find out whatThe Dents are going to achieve in 2006and beyond. This is a band that isalready among the elite groups in theworld, and filled with the potential toactually get better. To quote the greatJohnny Angel again: “Enter The Dents,a four-piece group from New Englandthat are not unlike a cryogenically frozenartifact from 1978. Not because they’redeliberately playing the retro card, butbecause they’re guileless lovers of theform, and masters themselves. They gotit deep in their souls, as Mingus mighthave said.” There’s no way I could say itbetter than that.

Sean: Tell me how each of you got involved in music.Dave: I was always a big fan of the more intense rock when I was alittle kid. My idea of that was like The Knack and AC/DC. Then I gotintroduced to some underground music—The Clash and the SexPistols. This was when I was in intermediate school. Then I moved onto hardcore and deeper underground music. That was pretty much it.Then I got grounded. My brother had a bass lying around. I was notgoing to be doing my homework. I used to get grounded all the timeso I ended up learning a few things on the bass.Dan: I grew up listening to rock‘n’roll and stuff like Led Zeppelinthrough my parents. My father played the drums too, so I was bang-ing on shit with drum sticks when I was a kid. From skateboardingand playing music, I got into punk rock, like The Misfits and Bad

Brains. I’ve been playingpunk rock ever since.Jon: I grew up playingdrums. I played drumswhen I was real little.When I was around elevenor twelve we moved into atownhouse, and I couldn’treally play the drums any-more. So I went out andbought a bass; startedfucking around with that. Iwas playing around to oldschool Black Market Babyand other DC stuff. I wentback and forth but endedup sticking with bass.Sean: What music did youlisten to growing up?Dave: Minor Threat, a lotof Bad Brains, Rich Kidson LSD, Government

Issue, Scream, and Marginal Man. A lot of old DC stuff. Some NewYork shit like Agnostic Front. The Cro-Mags and Dead Kennedys.Suicidal Tendencies. The usual suspects for punk rockers our age.Except I don’t like The Misfits! I actually don’t hate them, but backin the day I only wanted fast stuff.Jon: I think Dave named most of them. Bad Brains. He and I are alsohuge RKL fans.Sean: How did Porch Mob come together?Dave: I was in and out of music for a few years. I got this cubicle joband I was finished with school. I said, “Hey I’m gonna try this nor-mal professional thing.” There was no creative outlet for me. I figuredI would buy a guitar and start playing but that wasn’t

RIS ING FROM THE SEEDY UNDERBELLY OF DC UNDERGROUND MUSIC, HERE IS A TRIO THAT MAKES ONE PROMISE.Live, they always deliver a COD package of fierce, ear-bleeding, so-loud-it-hurts punk music: tough music thattakes no prisoners. Porch Mob has been tearing up the local scene for a few years now. After rising to head-liner status at some local venues, they have now also begun to play out of town shows. With song titles like“Nothin’ to Prove” and “Square Peg,” you know you’ll get a greasy portion of good old hardcore with a freshside of melody. Bad Brains and RKL may be at the starting line, but at the finish it’s Porch Mob who snags thebeer-soaked crown for originality and sheer determination. The current line-up has solidified into a jack-hammer precision unit with Dave Stone on guitar and vocals, Jon Shaffer on bass and backing vocals, and DanTate on drums and backing vocals. Each member brings chops supreme to their sound which should throwPorch Mob to the top of the punk world. Their debut CD, Can of Worms, is out now and available off their siteright this very moment. Steal money from mom’s purse and get it today.

INTERVIEW BY SEAN KOEPENICK PHOTOS BY KRIS TRIPPLAAR

enough. I asked a friend of mine, Matt Glick, if he wanted to play bassalong to some riffs. He said yeah. Then we found Mike Palmredofrom The Goons to play drums for us. We were called Damage Donefor awhile, and did a track on the RKL tribute album that Malt SodaRecords released. We found out there was a straight edge band fromthe West Coast called Damage Done, and emailed back and forth a lit-tle bit. We were both cool with bands sharing the same names, butwe’re about completely different things. It’s not like we were aboutshooting up or anything, but we’re kind of anti-straight edge. We’renot avidly anti-straight edge, but more against the macho, meatheadattitude that sometimes goes along with it. We’re almost straight edgein our own personal habits. We’re pretty close these days, but defi-nitely not straight edge. We changed our name to Porch Mob; a friendof mine came up with that name. We’ve had a few line-up changesand then Jon came into the band and then Dan came into the band.The current line-up is the best line-up so far!Sean: Hey Ryan, tell us a bit about Porch Mob. (Ryan’s a close friendof the group. He writes at www.deepfrybonanza.com/squirrelheart)Ryan: I used to sit on my couch and try to drown out this band blaringhyper, guitar-driven punk mixed with jammed-out reggae tunes comingoutta my basement. They alternated practice days with my roommate’sband the Goons, so chill time was hard to come by, to say the least. I’mconvinced anyone else would have moved out. I enjoyed hearing them putthe songs together, though, and listening to the development and directionof where they were headed. Their catchy brand of hardcore-inspired rockbecame imbedded in my brain to the point that I probably knew theirsongs as well as they did. It didn’t hurt that Dave Stone had as much lovefor the Bad Brains and RKL as I did. For years my roommates and I jokedthat Porch Mob was our house band because that was the only place theyplayed. Those house parties weren’t too shabby though, considering theygot to open up for bands like Municipal Waste, Two Man Advantage,Super Chinchilla Rescue Mission, and the Goons, amongst many others.

Battling the challenges that life brings, Stone rolled with thepunches and managed to keep the band going, even though, at times,it looked pretty bleak. One of the more humorous blows being whenhe left his freshly bought Gibson les Paul on the side of the curb whileloading equipment into his car, then drove off! Some neighborhoodgirls found it, saw the Goons sticker on it, and brought it over to theGoon house. Luckily, Dave got it back! Porch Mob has always beenStone’s brainchild and has survived as many bumps in the road as amotorcross track.

Being the only member that’s been there from day one, he even-tually took over vocal duties after a search for a frontman that wasunsuccessful. The worst was when a dude from Green Jello (yes thatGreen Jello) tried out and was pulling some kind of rap rock shit. Iwas even asked to join during a drunken binge in Philly one weekend.Stone’s been working full time, going to school full-time with asmany different majors as I can remember, and has changed residencesmore than anyone I’ve known. He’s a professional student of bio-chemistry and waits tables at a DC restaurant at the moment.

Current bassist Jon Shaffer was picked up after Mike Goon (orig-inal drummer) and Stone went knocking on doors to get him to try outfor The Goons on drums. When they finally found him, he was toodrunk to walk, let alone pound on the skins. Needless to say, it was-n’t a very good audition, even though he’s a great drummer whensober. Meanwhile, Porch Mob members came and went and eventu-ally Jon fit in playing bass. You can find him serving coffee or ridingbikes in downtown Arlington, VA, rocking out with his ‘70s stylerock/punk side project, The Electricutions, or even eating at theMacKaye house for Thanksgiving dinner.

After going through a few drummers, Porch Mob picked up thepowerhouse Dan Tate, who used to be in “DC’s now-defunct”Affront. He’s obsessed with left wing politics, and working-classconsciousness and issues. He’s also been known to sport a cashmere

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scarf to punk shows so he’s not too hard to pick out of the crowd. Aswith all of the P Mob members, Dan has broad taste in music and itshows with the end result. Playing music and having fun is their goaland it’s pretty obvious that they don’t care about trends. They’re agreat band, and will continue to be because—one great thing aboutPorch Mob is that you never know what the next song is gonnasound like. I’m sure they’ll never do the same thing twice.Sean: Dave, can you describe some of the best gigs and some of thefirst gigs you’ve had in this present incarnation?Dave: I think we had a gig at The Goons’ house where Dan quit. Itwas not a very good show. That was the only show where we had avideo camera trained on us, too.Jon: FDR Skatepark in Philly was a good time, under 1-95 on4th of July.Dave: We played one gig at the U-Turn in DC where everything justkind of came together. Every note was perfect and it was awesome.I think that was our best gig. We had a pretty good one last week too.We were at some arcade in Cumberland, MD. Next to Hancock, MD.Sean: How did Porch Mob’s inclusion on the RKL compilationcome about?Dave: We didn’t have a singer. We knew that the band was going todie soon if we didn’t do something quick. Mikey was about to rejoinThe Goons. We auditioned a bunch of singers and we just decided,“Let’s just get our asses in gear here.” It was posted on the MaltSoda website that they were looking for bands for the RKL tributealbum. Matt (Glick, old bassist) and I were big RKL fans. So wewere like, “Hey, let’s do that.” We tried ourselves out on vocals. Allof us gave it a shot. Everyone thought that we had a singer at thatpoint. They decided it was me. We recorded it at NCR studios inBaltimore and there you go.Sean: What current active bands or artists would you like to share adouble bill with?Dave: We keep trying to get Supreme Commander to play a showwith us but they’re never available. They’re a new DC band that ispretty bad ass. Former members of Latchkey, Wake Up Cold, andDaycare Swindlers.Dan: Boston!Dave: Aerosmith. I also sent an email to Bad Brains to get on theirshit with Joe from The Cro-Mags on vocals.Jon: That would be a dream for all of us.Dave: I don’t think it’s gonna happen but it doesn’t hurt to send an email.Sean: Who would you like to write a song with?Dave: I would like to try and work something out with East BayRay of The Dead Kennedys. That motherfucker’s super talented: avery interesting form of surfy, punk-core mixture. He has a reallyinteresting style that I’ve never really dabbled in. Also IanMacKaye would be cool. He’s a little bit more local so it might bemore probable.Jon: A lot of our stuff is kind of different. I think writing somethingwith RKL would be cool. Bommer, who died recently—I guess hewrote a lot of the songs. Interesting dude. Very talented. I’d like totake old RKL and maybe make it a little more brutal. They weren’ta very brutal band. They weren’t all that heavy. They write reallyriffy songs with cool arrangements. But he is no longer with us.Dave: Aston Barrett from The Wailers.Jon: Why Aston Barrett from The Wailers?Dave: Because he is a kickass bass player. Sean: What part of your recent studio sessions has been the mostrewarding for you?Dave: Finishing it, finally! Mastering it. That basically closed it up.Jon: Dan and I are only on the live tracks. The studio tracks are froma previous version of the band. I did a little bit of back-up vocalsshortly after I joined.

Dave: Mike from The Goons played on the studio tracks and theseguys played on the live tracks. It’s 50% studio, 50% live.Jon: We had John Stabb from Government Issue in to do avoiceover. I love Government Issue. Hanging out with him was fun.He’s a pretty interesting dude. He did some pretty wacky stuff on hislittle voice over track. That was cool.Sean: For the uninitiated, how would you describe the sound ofPorch Mob?Dan: Brutal, intricate punk hardcore. These guys really like RKLbut I’m not too crazy about them.Jon: We’re all guys in our early thirties who never got sick of hard-core. We still dig the speed but want to do something different withit. That’s the biggest compliment we get after shows: “You guyssound different—it’s cool.” It’s not the same chord progressions;there are slow songs and fast songs. You can see we all like to putour own thing in to it.Dan: We’re all unique musicians. We all do our own thing our ownway. When we collaborate to write songs it really shows. I mean,Jon writes all the bass lines, and Dave rips on the guitar. We allcome together and we have our own style. Everyone’s really doingsomething really cool in a short period of time since the songsaren’t that long.Jon: You are a monster on drums as well, Dan.Dave: Definitely—without a doubt Dan kills it. As a group we try tomake it as immediate as possible. We’re trying to take away the abil-ity for people to ignore our music. That’s what punk’s all about—just getting really in your face. If you keep doing the same old thing,no matter how brutal it is—everyone will eventually get numb to it.

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Jon: We don’t write catchy songs with “whoa, whoa, whoa” cho-ruses. We always talk about that at shows. That’s so done. There arehundreds of bands like that. Dave: We keep trying to have every new song be different than theprevious one—not completely different because that would take uptoo much time. We can’t spend all our time in the band. We’re allstudents and work, too. We’ve got other lives.Sean: Do you have plans to do long term touring?Dave: We’re supposed to go out for five days with McRad.Richmond through Atlanta, I think, in under six days. That’snot a huge tour but if you combine that with a day we’redoing at CBGB’s. We hit western Maryland yesterday. We’vebeen down to Richmond already. We’re just trying to keep alocal radius and getout every once andawhile without fail-ing out of school. Ornot being able to paythe rent. Because,once again, we’re inour thirties, not inour twenties.Dan: Speak for yourself!Sean: What do the members of Porch Mob do for kicks outsideof music?Dave: I don’t know what fun is anymore. I’m impossiblyfucking busy.Jon: Too old to have fun anymore. I like bicycles. I like to read a lot.

Dave: I like to go to movies. I’d like to do moreleisurely activities but I pretty much have to bury myself in text-books all the time. If I jumped on a skateboard I’d kill myself.What’s fun? Board games? I don’t think we have fun.

Jon: I have fun.Dan: It shows Jon, it shows.Sean: What’s next for Porch Mob?Dave: I think we’ve got nine songs written. Wewrite pretty quickly. We’re thinking about gettingback into the studio and dropping a new record.We’ve also talked to some bands about doing splits.We don’t really know what is going to happen withany of that stuff. But something is going to happen.We got a lot of songs so we’re going to get themdown on tape. We’ll be out there.Dan: That’s what I was going to say: a new record.The new stuff we’re writing sounds pretty good. Itwill be great when we record it.Dave: We’ve got a brand new one that we’replaying tonight.Jon: You can tell the difference with this line-up.They’re not all super fast. They’re just differentthan before.Sean: Final thoughts, gentlemen?Dave: We’d like to give props to the DC music scene:the Goons for being around for more than ten yearsand the Screws for keeping it real.Dan: And wearing no shirts!Dave: And Jon’s other band, The Electricutions. Oldschool ‘70s punk vibe. Good stuff, check it out. AndV.P.R. Bleeder Resistor!

www.porchmob.comwww.myspace.com/porchmob

First things first, lemme say that I think Steven Blush’s American Hardcore isan affront to the history of the scene it purports to recount—a sloppy mess ofslanted perspectives, embarrassing inaccuracies, character assassination,pointless sexism, misattributions, mean-spirited gossip, suspect quotes, andwholly made-up lyrics wrapped up in writing that succeeds only in being a piss-poor, pathetic attempt at being controversial. Worst of all, precious little of ithas anything to do with the music from which it derives its title. Since the num-ber of books written on the subject can be counted on one hand (and you couldprobably lop off a few fingers and still have too many to count the number ofgood books on the subject), the fact that Blush’s deeply flawed book is beingtouted as “the definitive statement on the American punk/hardcore scene” is ofconsiderable concern, especially since some of the younger generations are tak-ing it as gospel fact.

Enter George Hurchalla, whose self-published Going Underground succeedswhere Blush fails so miserably: he focuses less on “chicken hawk” stories andsettling old scores and more on telling a historyof a much-maligned, often ignored scene. Mostimportantly, he writes about the music, easilyone of rock’n’roll’s most important and influen-tial progeny. Although it doesn’t shy from dis-cussing many of the scene’s more sordid aspects,Going Underground opts for a more “big picture”approach and offers a clearer explanation forwhy so many of us vehemently embraced thispunk rock thing back then (sometimes at greatphysical risk) and why, contrary to Blush’s pos-tulation that it “died” in 1985, Americanpunk/hardcore remains very much alive sometwo decades later. Best of all, Going Undergroundis simply a good read, and everyone knows noth-ing is more punk rock than reading a good book.

An Interview with the author of

Going Underground by Jimmy Alvarado

Layout by Keith Rosson

and Todd Taylor

Jimmy: Where were you born/raised?Family background?George: I was born in West Palm Beach,Florida and raised in Stuart, a small townabout forty miles north. My maternal grand-mother moved to Miami from Georgia as achild in 1925, and married a Danish immi-grant, Henry Reno, who worked for fortyyears as the crime reporter at the MiamiHerald and was a Pulitzer Prize winner. Mygrandmother, Jane Wood Reno, was a hell-raising adventurer and journalist who was oneof the pioneers of women doing serious jour-nalism in Florida, and she won two majornational awards for her journalism. My grand-mother was always a champion of the under-dog, and an outrageous and colorful character,so she had the most profound influence on theperson I became. My paternal grandparentswere immigrants from Slovakia andEnglish/Scottish/Irish.Jimmy: What was the social/ political climatein which you were raised?

George: I was raised in an extremely liberalhousehold and encouraged to think for myself.My mother was an ardent environmentalistand spent years as a county commissioner onthe wrong end of 4-1 votes about countydevelopment, but eventually won people overto her way of thinking and had the most pro-found effect on the development of our home-town. Again, it was reinforcement that it wasokay to go against the grain and commit toyour beliefs. I didn’t give national politics awhole lot of thought until I was fourteen andReagan came into power, at which point I cer-tainly knew what I hated. Jimmy: Do you think these factors predis-posed you towards punk or was it somethingmore intrinsic in your makeup that resulted inyour involvement? George: I’d say these factors had a huge amountto do with my gravitation to punk. Individualism,outrageous behavior, and fighting for the under-dog were characteristics of generations of myfamily, so punk fit perfectly with that.

Jimmy: What was it about punk that youfound so attractive? George: I think on a primal level, I found theattitude and aggression of the music exciting.It had an aggression and attitude that was com-pletely different to the dinosaur rock and clas-sic rock I had been listening to. I found it oneof the first outlets to express my individual-ism, because up to that point I just tried tocoast through high school as an invisible per-son. I had reacted against fashion by being thedrabbest individual you could imagine, dress-ing in dull, solid browns and greens and beingtotally anti-fashion. Punk gave me a chance torebel in a more colorful way—causing com-motion by wearing Sex Pistols shirts to schooland wearing bright orange Chuck Taylors. Iadmired my parents so much I couldn’t rebelagainst them, but there was a lot about main-stream society I hated. To this day, I still havethe exact same feeling going out in public andseeing the same sort of people embodyingmainstream America. I keep wondering, “Who

are these people, and how is it I live in thesame country as them?” Seeing an excitingmovement that was scaring those sorts of peo-ple and pissing them off, I was all for that.Jimmy: What band made you say, “That’s it.This is where I belong. I wanna be a part of this”?George: The Sex Pistols. I don’t even recallhow it was my older brother and I heardabout them. He may have been in collegealready and gotten exposed to them there. Itstill took awhile in a small town to trackdown their album, even though it was a majorlabel release. But it was like discovering anew life form. It was unbelievable. We justloved their snottiness.Jimmy: Was there a “scene” where you livedthat you could gravitate towards?George: I was sort of a punk in isolation untilI went to college. There was no scene in myhometown, no fellow punks at school, asidefrom one fashionista punk who tried way toohard, and thus I steered clear of her. I got to seethe Gun Club while I was in high school, but

that was about it. There were no all-age showsin south Florida back then, so I had to use afake ID to get in anywhere. I was young, too.I graduated high school when I was sixteen. Jimmy: Did you get involved gradually, orkind of jump in with both feet? George: It was real gradual until I went tocollege, at which point I pretty muchjumped in with both feet, anxious to makeup for lost time. Jimmy: Was it the isolation, distance, andmaybe an accompanying level of detachmentof where you lived that kept you from makinga full commitment, or more a sense of wantingto make sure punk was where you truly fit in? George: It was partly isolation, partly that Icould fit into a normal world. I was prettymuch a model student in high school who hadfigured out the system—how to get goodgrades while doing minimum work. I was asurfer and skater. I had great parents and a per-fectly happy life in the immediate worldaround me. So punk didn’t grab me because of

alienation or anger or anything like that. I hadbeliefs that happened to mesh with punk rock,a lot of disgust building over Reagan World,but I just didn’t see any reason to call myself apunk at that time. I’ve always believed in whatKezdy of the Effigies said about inadvertentlybelonging to a group through being an indi-vidual. I didn’t care at all about whether Icould fit in to punk. There was nothing to jumpinto when I was in high school, nothing tocommit to. All I could do was buy records andlisten to them. A lot of people in my situationdid the pen pal thing, but at that time I wascontent enough with my immediate life. I did-n’t have the urge to do that. When I got toPhilly, there was a world I could jump into.Jimmy: When you moved to Philadelphia, didyou experience any sort of cultural shockgoing from one scene to the other? George: I moved to Philadelphia to go to col-lege where there was a thriving scene, so itwas a little bit of a culture shock just to gosomewhere that there were real, live punks and

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punk bands. Miami already had a scene, but asI said, I’d been too young and it was too faraway for me to have discovered it yet. As soonas I went back to Florida for Christmas breakafter my first semester at college, I startedgoing to see shows in Miami and going torecord stores down there more. Jimmy: Were there any significant differencesbetween the two?George: They were very different scenes.Philadelphia felt integrated into the punkworld, with other cities close by and a constantflux of people and bands coming and going,whereas Miami was a distant, isolated outpostat the bottom of the U.S. As soon as I becamea DJ at my college station in the fall of ‘83,bang, I was having dinner with and interview-ing Sonic Youth and Alien Sex Fiend and otherindie bands. But there were cool aspects to thedistant outpost kind of scene, a greater appre-ciation for the bands that did come downthere, and a little more intimacy to it.

Jimmy: How’d you end up playing in a band? George: It just seemed a given to me that ifyou were a punk you started a punk band. Atthat point, I’d never even heard of the BigBoys and their legendary refrain to “go startyour own band.” It just seemed that part ofbeing a punk was you had something toexpress, at the very least some rage to vent,and I wanted to get it out. Plus my exhibition-ism had bloomed full force after repressing itlargely in high school, so I wanted to performand shock people. I advertised for a band anda motley group responded. I sang. I’d alreadydecided on the name the Gutless Meanies. I’mstill not even sure who our theme song,“Political Song,” was directed at. “We’re abunch of gutless meanies, there’s no escapingit/We’re a bunch of gutless meanies, we don’twant your politics.” I guess even already withour name I was trying to make fun of overlyserious and stereotypical punk band names,maybe follow in the Minor Threat sort of vein.

Jimmy: It’s interesting that your natural incli-nation as a punk was to start a band ratherthan, say, start a fanzine or promote or dosomething less directly related to the creationof music. Do you think of punk essentially asa music form, or is it something more? George: Like I say in the new edition, athought borrowed from Geoff Cordner, I thinkpunk is an ethos and attitude that forms an aes-thetic. It’s about having total control of yourlife and giving societal expectations the mid-dle finger and that leads to various forms ofexpression like fucked-up clothing and mak-ing yourself ugly and making ugly music.Punk rock is only an expression of being apunk. Because punks come from so many dif-ferent backgrounds that expression should bewildly diverse. There should be no definedpunk look or punk sound like there came to bewith hardcore. I was real cynical about gutterpunks most of my life. I thought that since alot of them didn’t care about the music that

much or see shows, they weren’t really punks.Cordner, who documents them and has livedthe life himself, opened my eyes about that.You can be a punk and never go see a punkrock show. They’re abused and rejected kidswho found a supportive community to helpthem get by while living on the street, andthat’s as great a purpose to punk as the music.It really changed my view because I had beenfrom a relatively privileged background incomparison and had been in it largely for themusic and I’d never seen it that way. For me,starting a band was a natural because I lovedthe music and I had the newfound desire to bean exhibitionist.Jimmy: How would you define “punk” tosomeone with only a rudimentary grasp of theconcept? What does the term mean to you? George: It took mesix years and a threehundred page bookto wrap my headaround that ques-tion. There’s a prettybig overlap betweenbasic anarchist theo-ry and what punkmeans to me. Itmeans thinking foryourself, question-ing authority relent-lessly, questioningnon-authority as well, being an individual andbeing passionate about your beliefs, commit-ting random small acts of sabotage against themachinery of everyday life, and, above all,being honest with people you respect. Somuch of what I like about the punk world isthe honesty of interaction with each other, inti-mate, one-to-one, no layers of bullshit separat-ing you, the audience and the band on thesame level, being able to talk to the peoplewho run record labels, etcetera. In the rest ofsociety you’re confronted with such monu-mental layers of deceit, it’s nice to have a placeto get away from that. As I talk about in thenew edition, these days you often have to sep-arate “punk”—the lifestyle—from “punkrock”—the musical form—because there arehordes of people playing a form that is calledpunk rock that are not punks. In the under-ground though, there are still tons of bandswho actually are punks playing punk rock.Jimmy: One of the arguments I hear battedaround in punk circles is that politics should bekept out of punk. Do you think it’s possible toextricate politics from punk and maintain itscore identity? George: As much as I mock the line “the per-sonal is the political,” the idea you can sepa-rate them is kind of ridiculous. Politics are allaround you, every day, and politics operate onso many levels: national politics, local politics,

office politics, scene politics. You can’t getaway from politics. Ian MacKaye and the DCscene tried to avoid it but then Ian wrote“Guilty of Being White,” which he acknowl-edged was a political song, even though it wasjust another song from his immediate personalexperience. Problem was he stepped right intothe contentious world of race politics by takingan incredibly narrow view based solely on thepersonal. You can’t separate politics out. Youcan agree to disagree over things that seem dis-tant to your immediate life, but you can’t makepolitics go away. This whole conservative punkthing is inane. It’s an oxymoron, same as GreenDay acknowledges that they can’t possibly becalled punk because hockey arenas and punkare an oxymoron. You can be a conservativeand love punk rock. That’s fine, I’ve known

lots of them, but you can’t really be a conser-vative punk. Punk is not conservative. Jimmy: You mentioned earlier a disdain forReagan, and it touches upon something that’salways kinda puzzled me. This country has seensome Presidents that were equally, if not more,despicable, including Nixon, the first Bush—whose past affiliations alone made him down-right scary—and even Clinton, yet none ofthem enjoyed nearly the same number of songscalling for their heads on sticks as Reagan.What do you think it was about Reagan thatmade him a lightning rod for such hatred? George: I think it had a lot to do with Reaganbeing an actor. People hated him for being sogood at selling an agenda that he didn’t nec-essarily have deep convictions about. All hereally cared about was anti-communism.When Nixon bombed Hanoi, we were so farinto Vietnam that any way of getting NorthVietnam to back down seemed acceptable.And when he got into Watergate, he scarcelyhad time to be hated before he was gone. A lotof people had no idea how privately odiousNixon was until years later. Bush Sr. was seenas ineffectual, though it worked to his advan-tage, because he was so evil behind thescenes. Clinton came after such a far rightswing that he was enough of a relief that hewas only hated by the right and the most vig-ilant of the left.

Jimmy: Given the current President, in manyways, surpasses Reagan’s level of power mon-gering and corruption, why hasn’t he engen-dered a much greater backlash?George: Dubya is maybe seen as too much ofa buffoon for people to hate him that passion-ately, though I don’t get that because I despisehim with every ounce of the passion I hatedReagan with. I saw Reagan as a buffoon too,and that didn’t stop me from hating him.Reagan was so good at hoodwinking the coun-try with all his noble talk of rugged individu-alism that I think he was hated for how suc-cessful he was at it. Dubya has been so bla-tantly crude and obvious about his intent, andhe’s such a moron that maybe he’s not as hatedbecause of it. Or it might be because he’s soobviously a puppet, whereas Reagan was a

much more charismatic leader that sold thenation on the idea that all these visions werehis, so it was easier to focus hate on him.Jimmy: What led to your initial disillusion-ment and disassociation with punk, or haveyou remained involved on some level? George: I remained a fan of it musically afterthe book ends in 1992, but I became geo-graphically isolated, living up in the moun-tains of Tahoe, and I wasn’t as passionateabout keeping up with new bands. I thinkregardless of what I did from then on out, punkwould inform it in a large way and I wouldalways consider myself a punk, but I didn’thave the freshness of youth anymore to keepme involved on as intense a level as I’d beeninvolved before. I’ve kept going to see showshere and there throughout the whole time, butI often wanted an increased sophistication oflyrics to match my growing up. Bands I didbecome a passionate fan of in the past decade,like Leatherface, had everything I loved aboutpunk—thunderous music, seething passion tothe vocal delivery, and really thoughtful lyrics.Sometimes, though, it came down to a simplegut passion that I related to—when Frankieroars, “I have many things, I have dreams” in“Scheme of Things,” it’s delivered with thatkind of absolute passion that Bob Mould oncehad in Hüsker Dü and many other hardcoresingers had, and many still have, so that even

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with a relatively simple thought it connects sostrongly inside just because the person soundsso much like they mean it. Too much of thepunk I was hearing, overground or under-ground, didn’t sound like they really meant it,so I didn’t scratch deeper to find that therewere still a lot of bands who did mean it andwere great.Jimmy: What inspired you to write GoingUnderground?George: The underdog factor was a large part.Here was an era of music that played a hugepart in my life and many others, got all kindsof people through abuse, rejection, and alien-ation in their youth, and in the end proved tobe the music that changed the face of com-mercial rock’n’roll despite the best efforts ofthe corporate powers-that-be to not let it hap-pen. Yet when those powers co-opted part of itfor their own ends, they rigorously ignoredwhere this whole new edge to commercialmusic came from. They acted like it came outof thin air, or attributed it all inanely to bandslike Jane’s Addiction. They were caught withtheir pants down, yet they could never admit it.Jimmy: How do you think GoingUnderground differs from the handful of otherbooks covering the same time period and sub-ject matter? Where do you think you may havesucceeded and they didn’t? George: You want me to talk about AmericanHardcore, don’t you? Train my howitzers onthat offense to punk sensibilities and rainshells down on it! I’m stuck with endless com-parisons to that book—since it was the firstunderground book to cover the period nation-ally like mine—and that’s fine, because everyreview to date has lauded my book in compar-ison. I thank Steve Blush from the bottom ofmy heart for setting the bar so low. Thetragedy is that the bulk of his book was fine,and a solid oral history that could have beenlike Please Kill Me, but he destroyed so muchof his credibility by mixing all his own inane,off base, and often flat-out wrong writing into

the book. It should have been just interviews.Even then, Tim Kerr has some doubts aboutwhat’s attributed to him in the book, so I don’tknow how accurate they are. Blush didn’twant me to put out my book as competition tohis and he challenged me years ago on howmany interviews I’d done compared to him,suggesting that because he had done moreinterviews I had nothing to add to what he’ddone. That just goes to show that you can doall the oral history in the world and it doesn’tmake for a good book. I ended up doing a lotof interviews myself but I thought it was farmore important to capture the spirit andthoughts of it as it happened, which is why I soexhaustively researched zines from the era andused material from them. People forget toomuch over time, change their views, and don’twant to own up to their old views. There’s somuch you miss out on just doing oral histories.You’ve got to go back to the source. Would IanMacKaye ever admit to his views on violenceand race he had in 1983? Forget it! You’ve gotto capture what people thought at the time, forbetter or worse. Then you have guys whowon’t talk about their past, like Bob Mould,who had a lot of incredibly insightful things tosay about punk rock at the time and whosethoughts were widely recorded in zines. Plusit’s another acknowledgement of the impor-tance of DIY efforts. We wouldn’t have thistrue, accurate history if people hadn’t botheredto do zines and record it as it was happening.Our Band Could Be Your Life was a reason-ably good bit of journalism and it was able tofocus on a lot of detail since it was only abouttwelve bands, but was a disservice to theunderground in that it was so much of an over-ground viewpoint—a Spin writer’s perspec-tive. It yanked the most famous bands out ofthe context of their scenes and peers, which by

doing so made it impossible to even present anaccurate picture of the history of those bands.You simply can’t claim the Butthole Surferswere this revolutionary bit of freakishness outof Texas out of nowhere when you had theDicks and the Big Boys and Stickmen WithRayguns playing a huge role in influencingtheir development. I hear Fucked Up andPhotocopied is a great book but I haven’t hada chance to check it out yet, and it’s somethingdifferent than what I was doing. My one majorfailure in the first edition of my book, sincecorrected, was a somewhat ignorant over-ground view I had on the future of punk after1992 that I never edited out once I learned bet-ter. But even that paled compared to Blush’sassertion that hardcore ended in 1985. I thinkwhat people welcomed the most was that Iactually told an entertaining story, put togeth-er a comprehensive look at the era in a story-telling form, rather than just another oral his-tory. We each play to our strengths, and I’m abetter writer than I am an interviewer. Oralhistories can be great but don’t destroy a goodone by injecting it with something you suck at,which, in Blush’s case, is writing.Jimmy: It seems that many older punks con-sider 1985 a turning point in the scene. Seeingas many of the external factors that initiallyfueled American punk/hardcore scene, specif-ically Reagan and his policies, were verymuch still in evidence, what was it about thatyear that you think caused a marked shift inwhat was going on in the underground? Whydid so many once-great bands suddenly striveto suck so badly?George: I think the average optimum life spanof a band was three to five years. Those from1980 and 1981, when most of hardcore startedthat were still around in 1985, felt theinevitable desire to progress in some way. LikeRob Lucjak of Toxic Reasons said, he didn’twant to go on playing “Riot Squad” forever.You have to evolve and let new hardcorebands take your place. Or evolve laterally likeGovernment Issue did. A lot of the bands whocould play punk rock great just didn’t have anyidea how to evolve. It’s an incredible chal-lenge. Too many thought they could havesome kind of commercial success if they emu-

lated U2 or fell back on rock clichés. Othersthought they had to have the post-punk indiesound. Basically, a lot of bands stopped doingwhat they did best. Musicians never want toquit, so way more bands fell apart throughsucking than just admitting they had no futureand quit. The cool thing was a lot of bandswere just in their first or second year then andcoming on strong.Jimmy: Did you find most people you con-tacted for interviews receptive to talkingwith you? George: Dischord wasn’t real helpful when Itried to get ahold of Jeff Nelson through them.That was kinda comical because I was stayingwith my aunt at the time in DC and they werebeing elusive about him not working out oftheir office anymore and saying “leave a num-

ber and he’ll call you.” And so I’m leavingthem the private number of one of the mostpowerful people in the U.S. government with-out them knowing it, but they’re keepingJeff’s whereabouts secret. Falling James fromthe Leaving Trains said he’d rather not be in itif I didn’t tell the whole story as he saw fit,which he never allotted the time for, so I justused the little I had. Keith Morris was verysuspicious at first, but that was because I coldcalled him while he was giving himself hisinsulin shots, and he warmed up once I passedthe street cred test. The older well-knownguys, who had this “icon” status bestowed onthem over the years, were always the mostwary about trusting me since I wasn’t part oftheir crowd. Most major guys, like HenryRollins, Ian MacKaye, and Steve Albini I did-n’t even bother with because almost everythought they’d ever uttered had already beenrecorded somewhere else. Almost everyoneelse though was tremendously cool, especiallyfolks from post-‘85 who no one had ever paidattention to. Because I was seeking out voiceswho hadn’t been heard too much before, they

were usually real enthusiastic about participat-ing. I rarely sought out people I thought mightbe a pain in the ass. Jimmy: Why did you decide to publish it yourself? George: I wanted initially to write a book thatgave the punk underground its rightful place inmusical history, and I was approaching it froman overground perspective. As time went on, Ireconnected to the underground and realized itwas much more important to put my moneywhere my mouth was and prove what theunderground always held dear, that the powerof DIY was still as valid as ever. Validation bythe overground was irrelevant; they hadalways been clueless and would alwaysremain clueless. In dealing with major pub-lishers before I went the DIY route, I hadViking Penguin sold on the book, though they

didn’t understand or didn’t care about the con-tent. I realized you could feed these peopleanything, marketed correctly. The marketingdepartment vetoed the project because theydidn’t know how to market a nobody who did-n’t write for Spin or whoever. In the under-ground, that’s actually a great thing and whatpunk is all about; that it doesn’t matter whoyou are. Quality matters. Jimmy: I find it interesting that you encour-age people to drop you a line and offer theirinput with regards to stories, corrections, andthe like. Given the plethora of divergent opin-ions available, why willingly subject yourselfto that?George: Because either a) I’m a glutton forpunishment, b) I’ll meet the punk gal of mydreams that way, or c) I really care about get-ting the book as diverse and as accurate aspossible. Take your pick, I’m not really suremyself. I ran up against the diversity of opin-ions problem in trying to get the second edi-tion as close to perfect as I could. I got somegreat input from an old Austin photographerand “street punk” documentarian Geoff

Cordner, but I realized he was coming atpunk from such a different perspective. Hisexperiences and reasons for being a part of itwere so different that only so much of itrelated to the story I was trying to tell. Butby and large, it doesn’t matter how muchopinions differ on bands, viewpoints, whathave you, the corrections I’m looking for areon things that are relatively concrete factsthat I might have gotten wrong—such as EdPittman of Toxic Reasons never played highschool football in Texas, counter to whatJoey Keithley wrote in I, Shithead and I par-roted. And new material is always welcomefrom other perspectives. I figure anyone thatlikes my book and takes the time to get intouch with me will quite likely have somematerial that embellishes what I already

wrote and do the book good. I’m getting astream of unbelievably cool material from BillCuevas, who played in the Arizona bandConflict: great stories I never heard aboutArizona that totally play into my theme ofpunk often being at its best in smaller citiesand out of the way places.Jimmy: What was the most difficult thingabout writing the book?George: The most difficult thing about thebook was deciding when it was done. I wasalways able to find more material I wanted toput in it. I could have kept writing it for anoth-er ten years. In a sense, I’m still doing that byreworking each edition and adding more mate-rial, but I had to find a point for the first edi-tion where I could say, “Okay, put a fork in it.” Jimmy: What was most rewarding?George: The most rewarding thing was recon-necting to punk rock in a deep and satisfyingway, making all kinds of fantastic new friend-ships with people from the era who I had neverknown back then, and being turned on to allthe great bands happening in punk rock inmore recent years.

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Jimmy: In hindsight, are there any aspects ofthe punk/hardcore scene you wished you’daddressed more in-depth, or you wished you’ddevoted less time to? George: I made most of the changes I wantedin the new edition, so there aren’t too manyregrets at the moment. I still feel the book istoo heavily weighted to ‘79 to ‘85, but that’s alittle inevitable because there were such anincredible number of great bands then andeverything was so new and exciting. The vastmajority of bands from that era went to hellafter 1985, and while ‘85 to ‘88 were theglory years for me—as far as the number ofgreat shows I saw in that time—I feel like Idon’t do a good enough job with the ‘87 to ‘92era. I wasn’t into the second wave of straightedge, I wasn’t much into the youngRevolution Summer bands of Dischord, so themore obvious bands to write about I couldn’treally sink my teeth into. I didn’t know whereto start or write about that with the same pas-sion I brought to the rest of the book. What Itried to focus on when I wasn’t a great fan ofthe bands was the DIY efforts still going on asfar as all-ages venues and cool scenes thatthose bands played in, that were still reallyreflecting the spirit of punk rock. But I reallywant to write more about the bands thatdeveloped ‘87 to ‘92, and focus even less onthe overground effect on the underground thatcorrupted and destroyed a certain old-guardsegment of the underground. Jimmy: What are the similarities and differ-ences between writing and being in a band?George: Writing is a world apart. It’s so muchmore sedate. I loved the feel of music, puttingon a show, disturbing people, and dressing upas oddly as possible. There was always a lot ofsatisfaction in that—a lot of catharsis.Completing a book on my own press has ahuge amount of satisfaction. Just to be able tostare at the finished product and say, “Wow, Idid all that.” And it’s even more rewardingwhen I touch people’s lives with the book byreassuring them that there were and still are abunch of other misfit freaks like them out thereand that there is a different way of living anddoing things. It’s such a different feeling frombeing in a band, though. I don’t know how tocompare the two. Being in a band was so muchmore emotional, with human relationshipsinvolved. I put so much more of my emotionsinto being in a band than I usually do with any-thing else. Jimmy: That said, are there any plans for aGutless Meanies reunion? Are you planning tounleash another band on the underground?George: No, the GMs had too many differentincarnations and we’ve all gone our separateways for that to happen. The Stomping Yobboswere never coherent enough for there to be areason to reunite, though we had one of the

most amazing drummers I could ever want. Hewas a high school kid who ended up studyingtablas at Cal Arts, but could play full tilt thrashto jazz, reggae, or anything. I’d like to recordwith some folks one of these days, maybe evenby 4-track long distance collaboration. And I’dlike to have a band in Wilmington that hadutterly no ambition but to play live locally andput on bizarre shows. I’ve got at least onealbum of pretty decent material written fromthe last fifteen years. Jimmy: The most recurring criticism of thebook, I’ve seen so far, is that the ending has asense of finality to it, in that you supposedlyimply that punk/hardcore essentially ceased tobe circa 1992. Is this an accurate assessment ofyour position? George: I never meant to imply that even inthe first edition and I think people were a littletoo quick to see that as my view just becausetoo many people had already promoted thatview before me. So when I leaned at all in thatdirection, people jumped down my throat for it,especially because they thought the rest of thebook was so good they saw it as tremendouslydisappointing that I’d follow that same, old,tired line. When I first started the book, and inmy first few years of writing it, I held thatbelief to some degree, mostly because of out-of-touch ignorance. I make it clear in the newedition that I simply dropped out due to mynew mountain life and that punk chugged onwithout me. Where I still may have failed tomake my position clear in the new edition isthat what happened was the environmentaround punk rock changed the mainstream atti-tude toward it. That’s something that can’t real-ly be argued. It was no longer a hated andfeared underground. Where I previously failedwas in suggesting that this meant punk rockhad changed. The punk rock undergroundremained largely the same as ever, and flour-ished and grew, going through cycles of decayand rebirth. There were still punk rock bandsthat were passionate, exciting, wildly over-the-top entertaining, and there are more than evertoday. Take the Epoxies, Soviettes, and HollowPoints, to name just a few. The main differenceis that, by and large, you don’t get jumped andbeaten for being a punk anymore, which is agood thing. People shouldn’t be wistful for anera where that happened on a daily basis.Jimmy: You raise an interesting point—punksin so many places are about as threatening asthe old lady on the corner that feeds her fifty-two cats dressed in a Viking helmet and ediblechaps: eccentric, but hardly a threat. This is asignificant shift in attitude in a culture thatonce considered wearing black drainpipes asheinous a crime as nun kicking. Punks are pret-ty much left alone now in most big places,although one need look no further than thekilling of Brian Deneke in Texas to see that in

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some places having a mohawk is still prettydangerous. Has mainstream acceptancezapped punk of some of its power? Is it still aviable threat to the status quo?George: I’ve discussed this at length withsome of my generation. It really has drainedits power to make an impact outside of thepunk world. Its power before was to scarepeople. Look what the rock stars were sayingabout it in the ‘70s in my first chapter. Theywere terrified by it. Look at how society react-ed to punks. They were terrified, so theyattacked them, abused them, what have you.Its power was in confronting people with rad-

ical new ideas that scared them. Those ideasaren’t new anymore. Society has changed soit’s virtually unshockable. When you canwatch a guy getting decapitated on theInternet, what’s punk going to do to top that?Plus the mainstream has morphed punk intosomething they feel safe with, a musical formthey can label. That doesn’t mean punk is deador not valid, that’s just how the greater worldsees it. It means that the revolution alreadyhappened, so the greatest impact punk canhave is as a supportive community for misfitswho use it as a way of sustaining and encour-aging their artistic visions. Or just surviving.People are still alienated and still need some-where to go with their alienation. The punkunderground is a good place for that. And aslong as these people keep thriving, they’lleventually make impacts in different ways.Even if they don’t, I think it just makes thembetter people. The power of DIY and fightingcomplete corporate control will always bevalid. Jimmy: What is the most significant thingyou’ve learned from writing this book, punk-related or otherwise? At any point did you findyourself thinking, “Huh, never thought of itthat way before”?George: Mmmm, more significant than theGovernment Issue album You being entirelyabout a twisted relationship with a fifteen-year-old? What I learned writing the book wasmore of a thorough education in punk rockthan I probably ever had living it. Every otherday I had some pre-existing notion or biasturned on its head. I was always re-evaluatingmy perspective. It was a constant evolution inmy thinking. The more I researched andlearned, the more I was able to build a broad-er picture of punk rock as a whole and appre-ciate how valuable aspects were that I’d neverreally appreciated before. Zines, for example,I never took them that seriously back then, nordid most of the people who made them, butthey were so unbelievably important. So muchof it for me at the time was the bands and themusic, and the book helped me realize howmuch more it was, how many amazing DIYefforts of all sorts went into creating thenational punk underground. Jimmy: Outside of writing GoingUnderground, what’s your “day” job? George: My day job for now is running ZuoPress, which sells Going Underground and aguide book on my Spot X Guides imprint,Backcountry Snowboarding and Skiing in theNorthern Sierra. I made a lucky investment acouple of years ago and turned a small amountof money into a big amount of money, andthat’s kind of a safety net I have while I getZuo Press up and running to full speed. I’malso working on some new books, historicalnovels, and seeing if I can attract some atten-tion for my alternate life as a downhill skate-

boarding cartoon superhero by entering myfilm Grip in some mountain film festivals thisyear. If all of my efforts fail financially, I willat least have the satisfaction of knowing Imade a difference. It’s wonderful to have thetwo books you’ve released on your own pressbeing regarded by many as the finest works ontheir subject. You can’t ask for much morethan that. Jimmy: What is “Spot X”? George: Originally, Spot X was the name of asurf break in Australia I encountered whiletraveling. I thought it would be a good namefor my photography business and guidebookefforts. It represents all the mystery I likeabout adventure—always some unknownplace on the map that you want to travel to orlearn more about. It doesn’t even have to be aplace, it can be figurative, just that unknownquantity that you always have intellectualcuriosity to learn about. Jimmy: What do you think are the mostimportant things you have managed to takefrom your involvement with punk? How doyou think your life would’ve been differenthad you not found it? George: Another insanely difficult question,but I think, most importantly, it kept me awayfrom living a mainstream life and reinforcedmy values. When I first went to college, Iwas completely torn between two worlds, ofgoing against the grain or doing what waseasy and becoming an engineer, and punkhelped reinforce the side that wanted to goagainst the grain. I’ve had people who didn’thave the opportunities I did be disgusted withme for what they saw as throwing away anopportunity they never had—one for a goodcareer—but they were just as brainwashed aspeople who had the opportunity and took it.They didn’t realize that pursuing your pas-sions is the most important thing about livinglife. Otherwise you might as well just put abullet in your head as soon as your parentsturn you out of their house, instead of spend-ing the next forty years being degraded intoan automaton. My grandmother got a degreein physics, became a journalist, and lived herlife by her own rules, so I may have done thesame anyway, regardless of punk. The songthat has always spoken to me the most aboutthis sort of thing is Stiff Little Finger’s “SafeAs Houses,” that says “If you feel and have adream, you must go for it.” So there was apunk band saying one of the best pieces ofadvice I’ve ever heard. The other importantthing was that doing things on a small levelwas fine. So many people’s lives are ruinedby the American Dream way of thinking, thiswin-the-lottery mentality, that unless some-thing is done in a big way, on a major press,on a major record label, whatever, it’s notvalid. It keeps so many people from pur-suing their dreams.

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I agree with Steven King and it’s all The Bananas’ fault. He says that, in all of us, there exists an ugliness that is trying to get out, whichis why we watch horror movies. That, by “keeping the alligators fed,” we can function somewhat normally and not actually kill anyone.

I suck at love. I either obsess or ignore. I shoot myself in the foot or a potential interest through the heart. Sometimes, like in “SugarBear,” I want to hug someone so tightly because they can’t leave if they can’t breathe. But, luckily, I’ve got The Bananas to cover that for me.Through nasally, screamed vocals and music barely reigned in under control of the spastic force of itself, The Bananas speak to something thatsubconsciously needs venting, as spiritually craptastic as that makes them sound. They’ve tapped into my misery and failure and turned it intosomething I can dance to.

And if misery is something they play sloppily and I can yell at the top of my lungs with drunken arms draped around drunken friends,then so be it. If misery is canceling more shows than they play, and getting caught listening to their own CDs on the way to the show becausethey weren’t sure they remembered them, even better. I don’t know about you, but screw the alligators; I’m keeping my banana fed.

Interview and photos by Megan Pants

Art junk by Amy Adoyzie

The Bananas are:Mike—guitar and vocals, Scott—drums, Marie—bass

Megan: Scott, how many pairs of shoes did you buy in Portugal?Scott: Eight. Seven?Megan:. Why did you buy so many shoes?Scott: They were cheap.Megan: Why were you in Portugal in the first place?Scott: Just vacation.Megan: So to go with the Portuguese thread, you did an issue ofSmashing Times on the Brazilian band Os Novos Baianos. Where didyou find out about them?Scott: I just love Brazilian music. I just recently got into it, heard themat some point. I just liked them a lot. They sound a little bit differentthan more traditional Brazilian stuff, so I kind of picked up on them.More songwriting.

Megan: And what is Smashing Times?Scott: It’s a magazine that I do. I pick a random band or, not just a band,but a theme. It sort of originated from a dream that I had that I was mak-ing a television personality for a show called The Smashing Times.Megan: And Marie did an issue on Paul Simon?Marie: Yes.Megan: Why Paul Simon?Marie: Why not?Scott: Because she’s in love with Paul Simon.Marie: He has some really good songs. He gets a bad rep and he actu-ally had some really good songs.Scott: That’s sort of the aim of Smashing Times: to pull things togeth-er that may be underrated or…Marie: Or underrated by the wrong audience.

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Scott: You know how there’s bands that are like, “Oh you’ve gotta hearmy record,” or “Listen to this song or that song.” Sometimes, a compis better than an album. That’s the underlying theme behind it.Megan: With NRBQ, you guys went all the way to Boston to see them,didn’t you?Scott: I’d go see them anywhere within 5,000 miles of California.Megan: I hear that on your next 7” there might be a concept, and itmight be about Brasilia.Marie: You might be correct.Megan: I’ve heard that Mike might be a little obsessed with the city.Mike: I wouldn’t say I was obsessed. I don’t know if we’re actuallygoing to do that.Scott: What are you talking about?Mike: I like to change my mind about things.Megan: Well, why are you so interested in Brasilia? Give a little back-ground on the city.Mike: I don’t know that much about it.Marie: We’re about as much about edu-tainment as we areabout entertainment.Mike: Yes, very much in the vein of…Marie: KRS-One.Mike: I just like the idea of a struggling third world nation pouring allthis money into cutting a big hole out of the jungle and building thisultra-modern city.Scott: Which was a complete failure.Megan: Because they did things like not put in traffic lights.Mike: That’s about the extent of what I know about it. Mario (fromPlastic Idol Records) said he’d do a 7” for us and…who had the ideathat it should be a concept?Scott: I did.Mike: Scott did.Marie: No, it was me.Mike: Or was it Marie? I don’t know. We were sitting around thinking,“Okay, what’s the concept?” and I threw out Brasilia.Marie: And, like all of his ideas, me and Scott were like, “That is sucha great idea. Mike, you’re brilliant. Mike, you’re a genius.”Mike: I think we got lazy and we never debated it any further than that.Marie: It worked out really well. It’s a really good song.Mike: We only have one song. What if the next song turns out to beabout something else, though?Marie: All the other songs were going to be on our album, so we hadto do something different for the 7”.Scott: We don’t have extra songs lying around for singles. I think TheBananas sound better on a full-length than a single. If you don’t havesongs, you can just come up with a concept and you’ll start writing shitthat you normally wouldn’t write.Megan: And that’s how you write your albums: all at once?Marie: It’s all in his (Mike’s) brain.Scott: A brain that he’ll deny to the grave. In the autopsy, they’ll find it.Marie: They’ll find all the lost Bananas albums.Megan: Why does it work like that? Mike: Well… I write a couple of songs and I start getting in mind akind of flow. Oh god.Marie: That’s like asking Houdini how he does his tricks.Megan: Do you write them in the order that they appear?Mike: No, well yeah. Once I’m writing them, I know which one comesafter which other one. I don’t necessarily write the first one on thealbum first, and the last one last, but pretty early on in the process, I getan idea of… it’s like little groups of songs go together.Scott: I don’t think enough bands write albums that are meant to be lis-tened to as albums.Megan: I agree.Scott: I feel like we picked up on a lot of stuff that we listen to that’solder. I can’t even give a specific example. I just think a lot of things

are reflected in the songs. With CDs, it makes it even worse becausethere’s not even the concept of a side. People just start cramming songstogether with all the good ones at the beginning.Mike: I still think of it in terms of an LP. I still think of it in terms oftwo sides.Megan: Well, that works out since they’re supposed to be coming outon vinyl. Isn’t Todd (Recess Records) going to put them out?Marie: Yeah, Todd’s going to do it, also…Megan: A girl in Italy?Marie: Yeah Nautical (Rock’n’ roll) is going to come out, but probablynot here too much, but in Europe. Megan: How did she come across it?Marie: She found out about The Bananas years ago and she ended upgetting our friend Alesandro, who lived in San Francisco for about fouryears but just moved back, into it. She knew about it forever, and whenhe came out here, he came to a couple of our shows. He’s a hilariousperson; I don’t know how to explain Alesandro.Mike: I think the word “jerk” works.Marie: He would like that.Scott: “Hilarious jerk.”Mike: Do you think kids really want to know how we pick the order ofthe songs?Megan: I want to.Mike: I’m always afraid…Scott: That’s why you don’t ever answer your questions.Mike: I know. I think I’m boring.Scott: You’re never going to read it anyway.Mike: What? I keep my finger on the pulse of American music.Marie: He just gets shy.Megan: Marie, you write your bass parts, but Lisa (original bass play-er) didn’t. How does that change how you write songs now?Mike: I think Marie writes better bass lines than I do because she is anactual musician.Scott: When you write a song on guitar, and then on bass, the same per-son writes it, it’ll be good and it’ll fit and it’ll be interesting, but whensomeone else writes a bass line, I think that’s going to be better unlessit’s an exceptionally horrible idea, then it’s going to just make it soundmore like a band.Marie: I think it helps us figure out songs together. Mike always thinksof these melodies that he doesn’t play for the initial songs. So, if I comeup with something, it changes the way that he thinks about the othermelodies. We’re able to work together more as a band.Scott: I think a quarter or a third of the songs from each album he hasa stronger idea of the drums and the bass, and he’ll put those out, like,“I think there should be a backbeat here.” But then, for the other songs,he was, maybe by habit, coming up with the parts. I think some of thesongs, you have a stronger, full idea benefit from that and the rest ben-efit from you not just coming up with something. It makes sense to me.Mike: I don’t have to write the bass lines in, bottom line.Scott: The drum ideas that you have, I like.Marie: I think we share really similar ideas. I think we know whencertain parts should sound a certain way. There’s not a lot of conflict.There’s no clash of ideas. If somebody suggests a better idea, we allrecognize it.Mike: I write pretty generic bass lines. If I end up writing a bass line tomy own song, it’ll usually end up being pretty generic. Marie actuallycomes up with good ideas.Megan: Did you play a show where you played all three albums in theorder they appear on the albums?Mike: Yes.Megan: How far did you get before they cut you off?Marie: Halfway through the third album. It was awesome, and then weplayed “Nautical.” Actually, I guess it was just (Chris) Woodhouse (FMKnives) on drums and me on bass, but everybody was singing along.

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They were about to kick us out, but we got really far. Scott actuallybrought the CDs in case there was a song we couldn’t play, just to playthe song, but we made it.Mike: That’s only interesting to people who see us regularly because…Megan: Does anybody ever see you regularly?Mike: No. But, in the last year, we really haven’t all been in town atthe same time. We haven’t practiced much, so we’re usually pretty lim-ited to a certain amount of standards.Scott: Probably about a fifth of the songs we never play.Mike: So for that one night, we sat down and tried to learn all three albums.Scott: Relearn. It was more fun after the show when we forgot all of them.Megan: Was there any song that was the hardest to relearn?Scott: “Heartbreaker”‘s really the only one that was hard for me.Mike: Yeah, that one’s hard for me too. “Heart, Liver, Lungs” is hardfor me.Scott: “Forbidden Fruit” I think is hard, but then, when I play it, it’snot.Mike: I like to write songs that I can barely play. Come see us. I canbarely play my own songs. The bass playing’s superb.Megan: Is there something in Sacramento that lends to a “wouldn’t itbe cool…” kind of projects?Because you were onlysupposed to play one showoriginally and the FMKnives formed just for aHalloween show.

Marie: Mike was in that band.Mike: I was in the Halloween version of that band.Megan: And that was The Undertones?Mike: We do a show in Sacramento every year, a Halloween showwhere we pick a theme and people try to get together bands to fit thetheme. One year… what was the theme that year?Scott: I don’t even remember. I’d assume it was no U.S., no U. K.Mike: So, people did The Undertones and a band sprung outof that as the FM Knives.Megan: Did they kick you out?Mike: No, they just got somebody who knew how toplay guitar.Scott: The best thing about the Halloween show,in my opinion, even though people talk endlessshit on little Scott Soriano. He’s the one whostarted it. He put, not a lot, but a fewspecific rules on it. One ofthe rules was that

more than two people in a Halloween band could be in a pre-existingband. It forced people to play together who hadn’t played togetherbecause I think you’d just get a lot of bands who just did an alter-egoband of the same members. About every year there’s a band that formsout of that.Megan: Do they still do that?Scott: Yeah. It’s not at The Loft anymore. There’s been maybe twoyears that they haven’t done it. They’re always really fun. They’realways one of the best shows of the year.Megan: Can anybody do it?Marie: Yeah. The problem is that most people just don’t know about it.Scott: It kind of got out of hand one year when a lot of bands fromPortland came down. There was this northwest Portland/Sacramentoconnection for a while.Mike: I thought that was the funnest year though.Scott: I do agree that there are a lot of people who listen to good musicin Sacramento.Marie: And there’s a lot of time in Sacramento, which is good. There’s nota whole lot going on, so you have to make your own stuff. The best peoplein the world are from Sac, and I’m not from Sac, so I’m allowed to say it.Scott: I think you have to make your own fun there.Megan: Along the lines of making your own fun, Mike, how did youend up in Trekkies 2 (a documentary about Star Trek fans)?Marie: Hard Drinkin’ Abe Lincoln.Mike: I was in a band called No Kill I.Megan: Was? No more?Marie: You are.Scott: You’re not allowed to break up.Mike: We haven’t played a show in a long time. Then again, we onlyever played like once a year.Marie: That doesn’t matter. Bands never break up in Sacramento.Mike: I don’t even know how that band formed.Megan: You didn’t start as the Hard Drinkin’Abe Lincoln; you startedas the Red Shirt Guy.

Mike: I was the Red Shirt Guy. I was always the guy without a costumeand then someone would loan me a red shirt and I’d stick a Star Trekpin on the side and be the Red Shirt Guy. Then I switched my costumeto the Abe Lincoln.Megan: I saw you once and you were… it looked like just White Shirt Guy?Marie: Was it a hairy white shirt?Mike: Yeah, it was at The Loft. I just saw a picture of that show theother day.Megan: You were on the ground a lot.Mike: Somebody slipped me a mickey that night.Megan: Me too. I woke up wearing overalls made from TeenageMutant Ninja Turtle sheets.Mike: But haven’t we all sometime?Marie: Do you still have them?Megan: No. I also had a black eye.Mike: How did that band start?Marie: I don’t know—how did it start?Mike: The origins of No Kill I are lost in the mist of time, but they’reglorious, I know that much.Megan: Are you a big Star Trek fan?Mike: Me? Yeah.Megan: Mike, you said, “Every kind of music is good, but only like thetop five percent of it. Any form of music you can usually find some-thing good in it, but ninety percent of everything is kind of sucky.”Mike: Kind of sucky…Megan: So where do you see The Bananas in that equation?Mike: Do you have to ask?Marie: You go to other shows, right? You see other bands. You mustlisten to stuff. My goodness.Mike: What kind of music are we?

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When I first started there, they were like, “This is our vacation policy.You get two weeks a year.” I went into his office and said I can’t onlytake two weeks a year because I’m in this band that wants to tour maybeonce a year for a month…well not once a year, but those were the grandschemes of my youth…He thought that since it was for music, that itwas cool. That’s how it stood, so I just stuck around there because theywould’ve worked it out. They do let me take a lot of time off, but thejob itself is of no particular interest to me other than that.Mike: I work in a warehouse. It’s like any other job.Scott: “I just like to work around punk, but not to actually tour.”Megan: Did you really get married next to a pool of beer?Mike: Yeah, a kiddie pool full of beer.Marie: Scott and I both dove in.Megan: Was it cans or filled with beer?Mike: It was full of ice and cans.Marie: C’mon we’re not barbarians.Megan: But diving into cans…Mike: What is this, Portugal?Marie: Jesus, we’re not in the fucking Azores.Megan: There’s a strong theme of love gone wrong in any number ofways in your songs. Do you think that’s going to change now thatyou’re happily married?Marie: Mike only writes political songs now.Mike: We actually contracted our lyrics out to a temp agency.Marie: Full of people who’ve recently been dumped.Scott: They’re doing pretty good so far.Marie: It’s a really great temp agency. I don’t know if you’ve everchecked it out.Mike: I don’t know where this band’s headed with all the angst.Marie: You’re still full of angst, just not about love. You should’ve seenhim on the way here. He thought all these bugs were attacking him.Mike: There were bugs.Marie: There were no bugs.Mike: There were bugs. I smashed them on my forehead. The thingsgoing on now… the reason I hate these mother fuckers in the WhiteHouse now is that I feel compelled to write political songs and I hatewriting political songs. I’m really bad at it.Marie: I was just kidding about your political songs.Mike: Well, I hate you guys too. Maybe the next album will be aboutthat: all about how much I hate Scott and Marie.[The tape needs to be flipped over at this point, and when it is turnedback on, Marie starts joking that we had talked in-depth while therecorder was off.]Marie: …and those are the many reasons why we’re a very legitimate,political punk band.Scott: Tenth, and finally…Mike: The real reason you should slap eighteen dollars for a CD is…Scott: The reason why we believe downloading is wrong…Megan: Piracy…it hurts everyone.Mike: Is that a fishing term?Marie: Feed a starving artist, feed a starving record executive.Megan: Scott, have you ever thought of re-releasing the SecretCenter stuff?Scott: Yeah, the problem is that all the masters I’d need… a lot of it’son four-tracks. Organizing it is the only thing that stops me. I wouldactually just like to have it for myself. I’d rather release a best-of SecretCenter thing because there was an idea that I had for that label, and Ifeel that about half of it succeeded and the other half didn’t. I think myfavorite thing I put out was the Peel Sessions by the Bananas. Thatsounded the most like what I wanted it to sound like, but then therewere other bands that weren’t on Secret Center, but were just on compsI put out that I felt sounded more like… I wanted it to sound fun andkind of punk. I like when a band gets a perfectly crappy recordingwhere it sounds really clear, but kind of not. I would really like to put

Marie: It doesn’t matter. We’re in the top fucking five percent.Megan: What is Banana Style?Mike: You’re about to witness it.Scott: You’re lookin’ at it.Mike: Have you ever seen a band that hasn’t practiced in five monthsand is probably too drunk to play even if they had practiced?Megan: Yeah, I saw you guys like four years ago.Mike: Oh yeah? Four years? Dedicated fan here.Scott: Banana Style’s kind of a myth.Mike: Yeah. No. It’s real.Scott: I wrote “Banana Style.” Mike: Oh yeah, that’s the song that Scott wrote. We put it on thatalbum to humor him.Scott: Notice it’s last. “I wrote an album in order and tacked your song on.”Marie: He didn’t think anyone would get past “Midnight at theRendering Plant.” Mike: We thought people would turn it off by the second song.Scott: “What’s this slow bullshit?”Mike: Can we do this over again?Marie: For the first time.Mike: “The Bananas: See them again for the first time!”Megan: How do you play a one-string guitar?Marie: It’s easier than a six-string guitar. It takes about a sixth of thecoordination, right?Scott: Yeah, you don’t even need a pick.Megan: What band was that for?Scott: That must be RMAB (Rigor Mortis Acid Bath) that that’s for. Wehad a band that was just based on broken instruments that we had lyingaround. That was before I’d ever even been in a band. There was just adesire to be in a band. We had a one-string guitar, so we played it.Marie: That’s dedication. That’s how fucking punk Scott is.Megan: And you were in a band with three drums and vocals?Marie: Mmhm. Yes. My answer is yes.Megan: How did that start?Marie: I had a roommate at the time, who’s actually my current room-mate again, for the first time. He didn’t know how to play guitar. Heplays for another band now. He’s in Gift Of Goats now.Scott: Who are rad.Marie: And that was his first band. He always wrote these… he wasreally into the Wipers and Sicko.Mike: That’s quite the combination.Marie: So, we started a band, The Wernicke’s. I played three drums andhe played a three-string guitar. I’m sure there’s something really cosmicabout that because of the threes, but I don’t want to divulge too much.Scott: A.k.a. make up.Megan: Chris Kohler (from Sexy and also Special Ed, with Marie)wanted me to ask when you’re going to quit school because it’s drag-ging down the band.Marie: I have two questions: one, what band and how? Ask him whyhe plays so many video games. Megan: What are you going to school for?Mike: To make the rest of us feel stupid.Marie: I can take more time off of school than if I was working full-time.Scott: Marie’s a master budgeter-of-time anyway.Marie: It’s easier to balance my time with school than it would be towork because with work, you have to haggle too much.Scott: She never takes Saturday night classes.Marie: Or Friday classes. I go to school Monday through Thursday.Megan: And Scott, you do something with escrow services?Marie: Off the record, no one cares. He does drum sessions.Megan: No, I wanted to tie it in: how what you do actually enables oraffects your music. You get to take a lot of time off at your job…Scott: I just stumbled on this fairly random office job years and yearsago. The guy that owns it was pretty into music when he was younger.

Marie: Yeah. Like handles.Marie: How many more questions do you have? Mike: Have you ever seen Razorcake? It’s like the fucking yellow pages.Scott: You are from Razorcake, aren’t you? Wait, she’s from Lasercake!Megan: I’m from Lazycake.Megan: Is “Blood on my Bananas” based on the banana strike in Ecuador?Mike: I saw it in a movie. It’s based on a movie I can’t remember thename of, but part of it…Marie: It was called “Blood on my… some fruit or other.”Mike: Here’s the problem. Here’s why I don’t write about politicalsongs: I don’t remember things. I saw something. I was thinking aboutit for a day or two.Scott: Answer the fucking question.Marie: Was it or wasn’t it based on the banana struggle?Mike: Not Ecuador, El Salvador, I think.Marie: Hmmm… somebody didn’t do her research.Megan: I was just making a guess.Marie: You seemed so well-informed before.Mike: Listen, I was informed about three years ago. I might not reallyremember it.Mike: Whatever I was against back then, I’m totally for it now.Scott: There’s the new political album.Megan: Why do you have so many nicknames?Mike: Me?Marie: He’s indecisive.Mike: I don’t have that many nicknames. How many nicknames do I have?Scott: On the records you do.Mike: Oh, I just make up fake names for that because I don’t want touse my real name.Marie: He doesn’t want to embarrass…Megan: But you’ll use it on other bands?Mike: No.Megan: You use it in Knock, Knock, don’t you?Scott: Yeah…what’s up with that? Oh, it’s a “serious” band.Mike: I can’t say that other people don’t know it.Marie: Well Michael Cinciripino, what is up with that?Megan: Is that because you were popular to knock Jonathan Richmondoff in that band?Mike: Oh! I don’t understand that, but I’m still going to say,“Ohhhhhh! No way! Oh no, she didn’t.”Megan: It was on some radio chart and Knock, Knock overtookJonathan Richmond in their charts.Marie: This Knock, Knock? His band?Mike: That guy’s day in the sun is over.Megan: Why are you so flaky?Marie: Because people expect too much. And period.Mike: Give me an example of my flakiness.Megan: The last time I saw you was four years ago.Marie: Maybe you’re flaky. We’ve played since then, lady.Megan: We set this interview up a year ago.Scott: I got sick.Marie: Why didn’t you come up to Sacramento? I would’ve been there.Mike: We’re busy people. We all do important work, mostly forthe government.Scott: Once we decided that people liked us because we were flaky, wejust stayed flaky.Megan: Do you think there is some appeal to that?Marie: No.Scott: I think there is an appeal to it, but we don’t do it on purpose. Imean, playing L.A. tonight, there’s probably more than one person whothought we weren’t going to be here.Marie: Including you.Megan: Including me.Scott: Including Mike… maybe we should go.

that stuff out again, but I just don’t have the energy to figure out…there’s people I don’t even know where they are who recorded thatstuff. It would mean a lot of it would have to get mastered off of 45sand tapes. That label was really fun to do.Megan: What was Cassingle?Scott: That was the most quintessentially Sacramento thing I’ve everdone. That label I actually liked better than Secret Center. I just startedthinking about how, when bands start, they don’t have a sound yetbecause they’re just writing their first song, and then their second songis already trying to fit into how the first song sounded, and then that’stheir sound. I thought it would be fun to see, since there were so manypeople with good ideas in Sac and there was a house that usually hadmusical equipment set up and four-tracks, that it would be fun to makea label. I look at it at as on any given day, a band could start inSacramento. The Bananas and Nar both started as a total accident. If theweather had been different, or if one thing had happened differentlythat day, we never would’ve started. It was never that we were talkingabout starting a band for a long time. To me, the Cassingle label wasjust a glimpse into all these configurations of people that could’ve hap-pened or could’ve made bands that could’ve started writing songs.Fortunately, there was a brief period of time where everyone was real-ly psyched on that idea. There were a lot of people who were like,“Hey, here’s a cassingle.” It wasn’t just me. A lot of it’s me, I’m onmost of them, but there’s a good amount of people would send stuff, forabout a year, I thought that it was a really inspiring gimmick, and thenit just stopped. There’s ones that never came out. That’s a comp that’dprobably be more enjoyable to me than a Secret Center comp becausea lot of them were really hilarious.Megan: Did any of them play shows?Scott: Ice Bucket Heads played once. The rule was that there could beno real bands. There were a couple that snuck in, but it was mainly justmade-up stuff. Also, I just feel that when I listen back to lyrics, I likethem better than I thought I did at the time. They’re always about stuffthat’s going on, but with the Cassingles, it freed me up to write dumbor funny lyrics, and I could do it all day long. That was more fun to me,to make up these bands and these songs. I felt like the songs were morelike anthems and hits than what I write.Megan: Marie, how did you end up joining?Marie: How did that happen, Scott? I was already friends with youguys. It was sort of natural. I think when Lisa decided she didn’t wantto tour anymore, but she was still in the band, I would tour with themand be their touring bassist.Scott: If she didn’t want to go, Marie would come in, but she neverended up doing that. Mike and I were like, “Well, if Lisa doesn’t wantto go, Marie could do it.” When Lisa finally did stop playing with us,there were people in Sacramento who were, “Oh, The Bananas need abass player…” but we never thought of trying out a bass player.Marie: It just made sense. I’d played music with Mike before and I’dplayed music with Scott, but the three of us were never in the sameband until The Bananas.Megan: What does “both handles are locked” mean?Marie: That’ a really dumb story. It was from The Loft. Rememberwhenever I’d borrow the keys to use the bathroom, Mike would alwaysask me, “Did you lock both handles?” I’m not afraid to say it: I pee a lot.Scott: And sometimes both handles aren’t locked.Marie: Sometimes people only lock one handle because it’s easier thatway. My mom asked me about that. My mom was really concernedabout that.Megan: She was concerned?Marie: She was more confused. I think people assumed the worst.Mike: What would the worst be?Marie: I don’t know what people could think except that something real-ly stupid, but people never cease to amaze me. Imaginations run wild.Mike: You see magic in everyday things.

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Ryan: When did youfirst start getting intophotography, Dawn?Dawn: 1976. It was aclass that I could

take in high school.Ryan: So you got

into photographybecause you had to take it?

Dawn: Well, when I wouldgo to the shows, you’d see the

photographers there taking pictures and itjust seemed like a lot of fun. And so when I was able totake the class in school, that’s when I started taking pho-tos. I have photos back to ‘76.Ryan: So that was your motivation for taking theclass—being able to contribute to the scene?Dawn: See, at the time, I wasn’t thinking I was docu-menting. I was contributing. At the time I wasn’t think-ing I was documenting, like it is now. I have a friendthat was impressed that I had all this stuff from backin ‘76 and he said, “Well, you knew you were docu-menting this stuff, right?” and I said, “No.”Ryan: So who were you taking photos of back then?Dawn: The Weirdos, the Screamers, the Zeros, theMumps, the Talking Heads when they first came toL.A.—I have pictures of that at the Whisky.Ryan: Yeah, something really striking are thoseKK (Barrett, drummer of the Screamers) photos.He was so young. He doesn’t look cool. No onehas photos of KK not looking cool except you.Dawn: [laughter] Okay! We won’t get thesescanned so no one can see them!Ryan: So tell me, what were your favorite zinesback then and which ones were you contributing to?Dawn: White Stuff in the U.K. I had maybe one ortwo things in Flipside. I contributed to theWeirdos’ fan club magazine; the Mumps’ fan clubmagazine. I never got into Slash. That was Jenny(Lens) domain. And Gen X—that was a fanzinein the U.K.Ryan: Of all the early L.A. bands, which one orones were your favorites?Dawn: I want to say the Weirdos and theScreamers.Ryan: I imagine the Screamers’ live show,with the band’s imagery and stage perform-ance, had to be great to photograph.Dawn: They were always fun to watch. Samething with the Weirdos. You didn’t knowwhat John Denney was going to do when hecomes out. It was this anticipation of a goodshow and you were never let down. It was-n’t like when the Ramones came to L.A.

DAWN WIRTHI

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and played their three-secondsongs—sorry Ramones—butthese guys put on a performance.It was theatre.Ryan: How was Darby?Dawn: When I met him, he wasBobby Pyn; that’s what he wasgoing by. We would always meeteach other at the Capital Recordsswap meet and we would golooking for David Bowie stuff.So if he got there before me, hewould tell me where all theBowie stuff was. And if I gotthere before him, vice versa.And then he became Darby. Iloved that guy. He alwaysseemed real. The stuff that I’veread in Lexicon Devil, it’s inter-esting, but I don’t rememberDarby being like that.Ryan: Did you go to theMasque a lot?Dawn: Yes.Ryan: And who would youshoot there?Dawn: Whoever was playing. Ihave stuff from Spazz Attack.Spazz Attack wanted some pic-tures of himself taken, so wedid those outside the Masque inthe alley.Ryan: What were your favoritevenues?Dawn: The Masque, theStarwood, and the Whisky. Butwith the Masque, the stage wasonly like five inches high, so itwasn’t like you were dealingwith the same kind of stage as atthe Starwood or the Whisky. Youhad to really kind of stake outyour place and stay therebecause the stage was so small.Ryan: It certainly wasn’t as“legit” as the Whisky or theStarwood!Dawn: No, not at all. Had therebeen a fire there, everyonewould have died. But that wasthe danger of going to thatplace. That was what was sofun about it. That and theHillside Strangler. He was outand about killing people. It waskind of weird.Ryan: And you also worked atBomp! Did you work therebefore you went to the U.K.?Dawn: Yes.Ryan: And Bomp! was reallythe hub of activity, huh?

Dawn: Yes. That’s where a lot ofthese punk bands went to gohave record signings becausethat was pretty much the onlyplace that they could go to havea record signing. Because thesewere bands—the Talking Heads,the Dead Boys, I’m missing a lotof names—but they would beable to go there and do a signingand they were welcomed, asopposed to if they’d gone to aMusic Plus or…Ryan: Tower Records.Dawn: Yeah, that was there onSunset. But they didn’t really dosignings there. Certainly notbands like the Damned or theScreamers or the Weirdos.Ryan: Some things youshowed me of particular inter-est were those WinterlandShow photographs you took(Sex Pistols’ last show, whichtook place January 14, 1978, inSan Francisco). You said thatwas kind of like being in prison.Dawn: You felt like you had justgotten out of fighting, becauseyou’re standing up there all daylong—I was up against thestage—people are just shovingyou up against the stage and youcouldn’t do anything. And whenit was over with, it was such arelief because you could sitdown! But I wouldn’t trade it foranything, though. That was agreat show. I was underneath Sid.I like Sid. He was a good guy.Ryan: Did you get to talk to him?Dawn: No, but there was thisguy who kept bothering mewhile I was there. He was beinga jerk. And I guess Sid had seenthat I had bit the guy to try toget him to get his elbows down,and Sid spit in his face and theguy disappeared. So I was ableto still shoot the show and itwasn’t that bad. I wasn’t thatclaustrophobic.Ryan: Do you remember hear-ing in the news that that wastheir last show?Dawn: I think when we came backit was probably something thatRodney Bingenheimer mentionedon the radio, but it was kind of dis-appointing that that was the onlytour they did. But I was always par-tial to The Clash myself.

Ryan: And that’s the truth!Dawn: Out of the U.K. bands, Iwas partial to the Clash. TheClash never let me down. Ryan: Good answer! So tell me,when did you go to the U.K.?Dawn: I went there the dayafter I graduated from highschool in June of ‘78. And I sawthe Clash that following week.We saw three nights at theMusic Machine.Ryan: And you took someshots—some really greatshots—before Paul (Simonon,bassist of the Clash who, like

KK, epitomized style and cool)even had a pompadour. Youwere probably the first Angelinoto take photos of The Clash.Dawn: Probably.Ryan: Where would you seeThe Clash besides the MusicMachine?Dawn: The Music Machine wassimilar to a Whisky out here.Other than that, you’d go seebands at a pub. Also, when I firstgot there, that weekend, theDickies had come over to theU.K., so I got to see the Dickiesplay. And Hellin Killer (L.A.

punk regular; later married toPaul Roessler of the Screamers)was there, too. So seeing herwas like, “Okay, I’m not thatfar from home!” It was cool.Ryan: So going over there, whichbands did you shoot besides TheClash and the Dickies?Dawn: Those were the onlytwo bands I shot.Ryan: What were the differ-ences between the two scenes?Dawn: The differences—whenI saw The Clash show, the peo-ple all dressed normal, asopposed to how the kidsdressed here. The kids herewould dress up and stuff andthe kids in the U.K. didn’t looklike punks to me. But the punkera in the U.K. could havemoved on to the next step or

was about to move on to thenext step.Ryan: To post-punk.Dawn: Yeah.Ryan: Coming back to LosAngeles, how did the scenechange during that time periodwhere you were away?Dawn: Oh, there was way morepeople at shows. It was like youhad to fight for space.Ryan: Talking about theDecline (of WesternC i v i l i z a t i o n — P e n e l o p eSpheeris’ seminal 1981 docu-mentary of the L.A. punkscene) time… a lot of peoplehave recognized—especiallywith Darby’s passing—that thescene was kind of over for them(circa late ‘80) at that time. Didyou feel that?

Dawn: It wasn’t the scene thatwas back in ‘76, ‘77 and ‘78.It wasn’t the same. You had alot of posers coming in. Theyjust didn’t understand it. Theyjust thought, “Oh, okay, I’ll godress up like a punk and hangout.” They didn’t understandwhat it meant.Ryan: I know you are stillinvolved in photography to thisday. Were you taking photosduring the late ‘80s as well?Dawn: I was, but not of anygroups.Ryan: When did you stop tak-ing photos of groups?Dawn: I shot a group last year.I think in October orNovember. For a while there Itook a pause, but now I’mback to shooting groups.

Ryan: What were you takingphotographs of when you wenton hiatus with band photos?Dawn: Still lifes. This soundslame, but Griffith ParkObservatory. When I had mydaughter Sara in ‘88, I took alot of pictures of her.Ryan: And I know you’vestuck by the same camera.Dawn: Yes, I have the samecamera I’ve had since ‘76; aCannon FTb with a 1.4 lens.Ryan: All those photographswere taken by the same camera.Dawn: Yes. I love my camera. Iwon’t let my daughter use itand you can understand why.Maybe she will now.Ryan: You had your first showlast year and you’re going tohave your next one really soon.Dawn: I’m going to do someof the L.A. punk stuff peoplehaven’t seen—the Weirdosand the Screamers and big pic-tures of The Clash and just seewhat happens.

A website is in the works, so for now,check up with her myspace page:

http://www.myspace.com/bigmouthbakery

You may have heard something like the Pine Hill Haints on a cold night in Novemberas the train rolled by and the night sky spilled its tale out and into your dreams. The Haints’sound is something jangly, scratchy, and pumping: a sort of droning rattletrap mechanism built in thebarn, powered by wood and mud and set to motion at one till midnight. They are the beauty, horror,decadence, rain, and spirit of the world they live in and create. The Pine Hill Haints embody the idea of notdoing things the way others may think is right, but of doing what they feel to be right, never afraid to be “not with it,”not trying to grow up and get a subscription to that sad old tale of life and the pursuit of others’ dreams. Just keepgoing. Get in the van. Get out on the road. Create what it is you’re after. If it’s not there waiting for you, then build thething. It’s all in your hands. Pick up the body and claim its cold, bloody mess as gold.

Many people have played in the Pine Hill Haints and contributed to keeping it going over the years—so manythat there’s a sort of community built through the band. However, throughout the whole time Jamie Barrier has beenwith it. He’s ridden the horse’s bones from before the dawn and on past the night. But still the question remains…

Current line up:Jamie Barrier—guitar, vocals, tenor banjo, fiddle, and harmonica.Katie Barrier—washboard, mandolin, and vocals plus tons of artwork, signs and cutouts. Ben and Tonic—snare drum.Matt Bakula—washtub bass, banjo, and vocals.

Pictured:Jeremy Dale Henderson—snare drum and War EagleBrian Conner—washtub bassMike Posey—accordian

BD: What is a Haint, Mr. Barrier?Jamie: Well, a haint is a ghost.BD: Tell me about ghost stories and the Haints. Give me someunearthly lore.Jamie: When we got chased riding skateboards, we’d all meetat the Pine Hill Cemetery. There’s this crazy supernaturalsomething to that, ‘cause the cemetery for hundreds of yearsdown there in—and before there was ever Lee County—theCreeks who lived there would not live on that land. Theywouldn’t build on it. It was this crazy, voodoo-ed out sacredground, and when the settlers came in the 1830s and pushedthe Creeks out, they pleaded with the settlers not to build onthat ground. That’s true history, and those guys, of course, didbuild on it and crazy things have happened; people wouldbreak their neck or eat some crazy poison and swell up. So, noone wanted to live on it anymore. The city donated it for useas a cemetery. And then there were mass graves ofConfederate soldiers that they just dumped in there. That’swhere the Haints were born. That’s were we had out firstHaints practice as a band. On that cemetery ground. We’replaying these songs and we’re like, “We’re not playing technoor new wave or techno or hip hop. We’re just playing old deadmusic,” so we’re Haints. We’re necromancers. We’re like, “Ifthat’s dead, then we’re haints.” And we just played old songs.We didn’t care if it was on the cutting edge. Like Bakula(washtub), he’s got the Counter Clock Wise, and they’re a fan-tastic band, but before that he was in the Crypt Kickers andthey’re dead, and so in the Haints he’s playing a Crypt Kickerssong. We’re just keeping dead stuff alive. We’ve playedGrumpies songs. You name it.

BD: What about that story you told me Halloween when we werearound the fire in the backyard?Jamie: It’s about a man who lived with his mother up there in thehigh hill country. And she told him to never shoot an owl when themoon’s full. But he went out anyway on a full moon, ‘cause he couldsee all through the limbs, and there were shadows, ‘cause the moonwas bright in the woods, and he came back to the house—way backup in the woods where his grandmother lived—he comes back, hold-ing his gun and sees an owl sitting in a tree and he shoots the owl.But when he does, the owl screams out in this painful human voiceand flies off. So he gets all freaked out and goes back inside the houseand his old grandmother is sitting there, bleeding, and she looks upand says, “I told you to never shoot an owl, boy.”BD: What’s the history behind the Haints?Jamie: Okay, you’re homeless, slinging drugs, trying to figure out howto skate. And some weird kid, who I’ve never met, but that one time inmy life, he was from New Orleans… He might have been a haint.BD: I have a version of how it started, but I can’t remember exactly…Jamie: Well, you had a bunch of dusty LPs and I would sit and lis-ten to them, and I tried to figure out how to play them. And one night,Libby Lynn asked if I wanted to open for Janissary Core playingacoustic, and Adam—Sad Eye (original Haints harmonica player)—was just chilling in the house with his harmonica, and so we wentdown there, but he left on his skateboard, and I thought, “Shoot, Iguess I’ll play by myself.” And I was in there playing, and it was realloud, so Libby and a few people in Janissary Core—who were fixin’to play—were clapping, but as far as you could tell, the house musicwas drowning me out, and then Adam walked in with his harmonicaand played. I’ve always thought of that. That’s the first time I played“What Is a Haint?”. First time I ever played “Alabama’s MidnightSkies,” and we played “Opelika Train” that night. I think we did fouror five songs. After that—you know—we porched it up all the time,or go down to the Malformity House.BD: I remember meeting a guy on the street playing the bucket inAuburn. His name was Stick. He showed me how to build one and soI did. The first time I remember playing it with you was sitting in thehouse. I think it was above the heater, one night with a mic hangingfrom the ceiling and a reverb on it, and we played reggae songs.Jamie: Yes. Man, if you want to get to the core of the Haints it’s alldub reggae. The whole reverb pedal has nothing to do with rockabil-ly. It has to do with dub reggae. But that is what we did, man. Yes,yes, yes.

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mean five or six different things. It’s got to be tougher, have more ofa callous on it. But we still have that Auburn spirit where we still playa lot around town and we still play a lot of shows. It’s all tribed-offup here, but in Auburn everyone was one big tribe. In Auburn, every-one embraced their culture, and as far as punk rock up here, it’s theopposite where you want to clash with that culture. Those two stonesthat bang on the sword keep us sharp. It’s like I want to embrace myculture, but at the same time, there’s so much garbage that goes alongwith where we’re from that I don’t want to have anything to do with.So it’s got to be done right, it increases that urgency. But beautifulAuburn, I love it. BD: How is it received playing music in the south, which some peo-ple consider country, but a lot of “country” people don’t? Jamie: To me now, this present week I’m living in now, I want toplay country music. Sometimes, I want to play a slow song. I havemore friends now with grey hair, older people, than I do young peo-ple, for the first time in my life. I have more relationships with olderpeople. I love to play for older people, but when I go out to play houseshows, people want seven fast ones in a row and so you play thoseseven fast ones so you can sweeten it up with that eighth slow one thatthe old people like. There’s so many people who say, “Oh, I lovecountry music” but it has nothing to do with dirt and soul. It mighthave to do with wearing a cowboy hat and a western shirt, but it hasnothing to do with hardwoods, pines, hills, and streams. It’s moremall-terrain than all-terrain.BD: It seems like rural America has been giving away its heart andsoul to places like Wal-Mart to a soundtrack by Tobi Keith. Doyou think country and music and culture are used as a shield forother agendas?Jamie: Even more so than that. I don’t see that as much, so I don’thave as much venom to spit at that, but meeting some “country” bandand they’re like, “We’re the Whiskey-Soaked Hillbillies” or some-thing like that. You know stuff like the “Hillbilly Pissers,” like someguy with overalls and a pitchfork and they’ll be like “Yeh haw!” Thatcan get kind of old. BD: It’s hokey.Jamie: I remember when I was a kid and playing with my uncleSammy. Sammy knows some weird country songs. But one of thesongs we’d always play would be “The Beverly Hillbillies,” ‘causehe loved the way my brother Joey would stop in the middle of thesong and go “the Beverly Hillibillies!” One of the guys in theOvernight Lows, the drummer, I think, his cousin is Jeff Foxworthy.I remember seeing them play a show one time in Florida—which a lotof times can be more like the north than the south in some regards—and some guy in the crowd was heckling them ‘cause he knew theywere from Mississippi, kind of like “play the Beverly Hillbillies”yelling at them. And the guy in the crowd was like, “Hey, do ya’llknow Jeff Foxworthy?” and that guy had no idea that the drummerknew Jeff Foxworthy or was even his cousin. He was just hecklingthem. So the drummer stuck a middle finger in the guy’s face andcussed him or something. You know, the drummer could probablyhave been like, “Yeah, I know Jeff, and yeah I’ve been playing ‘TheBeverly Hillbillies’ my entire life,” but instead he’s just like, “Leaveus alone.” Overnight Lows. Man, what a band!BD: What do you think about the idea that someone has to be fromthe south or is more “country” if they’re from the south?Jamie: I know what you’re saying. Yeah, I don’t know how to answerthat crap. I love it when you talk about the Dischord style and you’vegot that weird angular non-pop DC sound, then you got the Floridastyle…it’s like they’re playing chords but they’ll slide around on it,like Hot Water Music or This Bike Is a Pipebomb. But as far as coun-try music and all that goes, I’m not against rules, but the Haints don’tabide by them. If you have some old fiddle player who plays a fineversion of “Leather Britches,” I have so much respect for that, and

BD: From there it was you, me, Sad Eye, Matt Comer, and thenKatie joined. Then after I moved away, it took off and it seems likeeveryone’s been in the Haints. Travis Hightower, Matt Bakula,Jeremy Dale Henderson, Hot-Rog, and Ben ‘n Tonic, Posey,Rymodee, your brothers, the Red Dagger, Brain Conner…I supposeI could keep going.Jamie: Yeah, pretty much anybody who has been a friend and does-n’t want to cave into the nine to five job, and whose life isn’t in toobad of shape—you know they got enough to get in the van—thenwe’ll make some music. We’ve almost always got somethingbooked, you know, coming up next week or whatever. BD: I remember the first time we played out of state, we wentto Starkville.Jamie: Suddenly Subhan played that night, the Grumpies, and Pez.That was either ‘97 or ‘98 and that was billed as a Wednesdays show,but we just couldn’t make it. Technically, the first tour the Haintsever did was after you had left and Travis joined. We toured withThis Bike Is a Pipebomb. Well, when you were still here, we did afive day thing with the Shack Shakers. The first proper tour we did,it really wasn’t the Haints. I just didn’t want to stop…I didn’t knowwhat to do. So we got in the van with Pipebomb, and Kevin playeddrums, Rymodee played saw, and Travis played bucket. I just wentaround with them for a couple of weeks.BD: How much do your surroundings like Florence, Alabama, andnow living in Savannah, Tennessee influence your song writing? Jamie: My goal is to try never to force the influence, you know? Youjust go with your heart and, over time, it happens that way. And that’sthe way Savannah, North Alabama, and Tennessee crept back intothe band. Like, in the early days I sang about trains, ‘cause about twoor three times an hour our whole house would shake from trains. Ourgood friend Radek got hit in the face on the tracks. Or so and sowould smash a bunch of crap or there’d be some dead dog with abunch of maggots all over it on the tracks. But as far as the influenceof the Haints goes, that early stuff we did…well, you always learnstuff over time, and back then I didn’t know, so we were kind of writ-ing the book on how we thought it would be done. Because, as far aswe knew, we sounded just like…you know, you always sound likeyou want to sound in your mind, but stepping back it doesn’t soundanything at all like Hank Williams. Back then, I thought we had somereally cool stuff that reflected the way everything was down there.We had a lot of fast songs, and a lot of local lore. Same way now; alot of the lore is back—the North Alabama base—church singingstyle where it’s got a little bit more of that Celtic touch to it, a littlemore Pentecostal. Or maybe, if you close your eyes, it sounds likeit’s a little more hill-based, rather than rolled-out flats.BD: Well, now there’s a lot more variety of sound—fiddles, ban-jos—as opposed to that first LP where it’s just the four of us: guitar,bucket, harp, and snare. Jamie: We’re doing a lot of crap now that you tried to get us to doback then. BD: Well, it sounds good, so I’m glad you’re doing it.Jamie: Basically, I wish to god we’d have used that trombone. BD: Well, the reason for that was that Matt could play the thingpretty well.Jamie: I’ll tell you a good answer to that question about styles; theAuburn influence on the Haints would be: book your own show atsomeone’s house and go play, just shut up and play, and have a goodtime. The Florence influence would be real competitive and secre-tive. It’s like you don’t want to play your home town. People want totalk about how they never play at home. BD: Why?Jamie: The Auburn Haints were a lot more romantic and passionate,and crazy and fast. And the Florence Haints, the songs I write noware more riddled and have a little more double meaning, or it could

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what they’re doing is keeping that style that way. It’s like some Irishfiddle player who may play some ancient, super fast Celtic West Irishsound like Cork fiddle music. I can totally respect trying to keep tra-ditional music alive. But it’s beautiful to see the rules broken, too, but it’s just got to befrom the heart. I love music that comes out of Mexico. Honestly,when I want to hear good fiddle music where I am now, I go downto the Mexican restaurant on Tuesday nights. There’s some grey-haired Mexican men there who play beautiful, man.BD: What about Cajun-style fiddle?Jamie: Bradley, don’t get me started! I love it! I guess the way Cajunmusic, and the way it has to do with the Haints the strongest, is theway that there’s nothing fake about what they’re saying. And ninetypercent of Cajun singers, some people say, cannot sing, but it don’tmatter ‘cause they’re singing from the heart. You may not be able tounderstand what they are saying, but it’ll make you want to cry. Likewhen they finish lines, they’ll push it real hard where their throatstarts to scratch up, like “I want to see you, but your grandmotherwon’t let me stand on your porch,” and you know the way they sing,that is the saddest, saddest thing you’ve ever heard in your life. I tryto be as real as I can. I sing about girls or I’ll sing about ghosts, butit’s all real, and I don’t care what anybody says to me. It’s real.BD: I remember one night after a Shoot ‘Em Down show inTuscaloosa, some dude came up to me and said that the Haints werea joke band. I don’t know what that really meant, but it pissed me offat the time. Jamie: Shoot ‘Em Down was the Haints evil doppelganger, man. Itwas. That was our Jekyll and Hyde.BD: Well, what about with the Wednesdays?Jamie: The Wednesdays used to get asked to play all these fish fries,and we’d do it. So, in a way, I was playing that Haints style for a long

time, but these days I don’t even bring the Haints. I bring theHeadless Catfish. I still play the fish fries.BD: What’s up with the fish fries? Is there a circuit to play?Jamie: Speaking of circuits: the Chitlin’ Circuit! That’s one thing thatFlorence has that Auburn didn’t have—well they did have some—butFlorence had it huge. Muscle Shoals, Sheffield, Florence, and every-body knows Poonanny. Everybody knows all those Chitlin’ guys.Those guys are still legends. They all still make records that have hits.There’s still a good Chitlin’ Circuit scene here. In a weird way, it’s abunch of everyday go-to-work-then-come-home black folk going outto hear music they like. And a lot of the performers—your best onesare great comedians. They’re funny. They can play with their teeth,play guitar between their legs, and talk dirty all night long. They can

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make their guitar swear and they can dance. You got to be able todance if you’re gonna’ shine on that. That’s something that’s defi-nitely around up here. BD: But what about those shows that you play? I have a feelin’ youplay them to get free fried catfish?Jamie: [laughing] If you want to see it get rowdy, you can go to theChitlin’ Circuit, but the coolest thing about playing fish fries isthat’s where the preacher meets the sinner. That’s the only placebesides high school were you’ll see that clash of the titans. Half theroom is chain-smoking and got alcohol on their breath and the otherhalf of the room has got their top button buttoned and their shirtstucked in, but they’re all in there to hear some country music and eatsome fried catfish. And you know they won’t clap if they don’t likeyou. They’re ruthless. BD: How important is writing about your surroundings versus hav-ing a style predicate how you sing and play?Jamie: We’ll, it’s like certain people will write songs…see, the bandmay be a political punk band, but they’re a fairy tale band. BD: What do you mean?Jamie: They may have their political songs, but the unions of WoodyGuthrie’s day and age and today are two different things. Politicstoday and politics then are two different things. There’s so manyquote un-quote “bands of the people” who’re more bands of rich,middle class white people who get money from their parents everymonth and they want a little anarchy in their everyday diet. You takethem down to talk to John Q. Public at any parking lot or parkingdeck, or take them down to the west side, and there’s nothing theycan say, and that’s the people. BD: How do the Haints or yourself fit into a homemade ethic?Jamie: Anybody from small town Alabama, who’s still makingmusic, I love meeting them because you’ll see so much eye to eye,but meeting somebody from some big city or somewhere joined by athousand interstates, they can be harder to judge you. All that thrownin the garbage, we’ll Robin Hood it through a hundred small towns

all across America and we’ll have a great time doing it every night.And it’s pure homemade, ‘cause those kids are making their ownfliers and we’re putting out our own records and we’re all gettingalong. I’ve noticed the further and deeper we get into it, in a lot ofways, we’re probably a lone wolf in the scenes ‘cause I’ve done mis-sion work. And because I believe in a supreme god, I believe in ahigher power. And there’s been a lot of lines drawn, but man, betweenme and whoever may read this out there, there should be lines drawn.There should be people attacking Christianity, because there’s somany bible-toting, missile-firing churches out there, and churchgroups taking advantage of the government to hide billions of dollarsfrom getting taxed, and then building tennis courts and parking lotsand raping the land they are on, and electing other people to fightwars, and to buy bigger cars…there needs to be a backlash. But, at thesame time, man, I’ve slept on every dirty floor that the next personhas, you know? I’ve been running this game. I’ve been booking myown bands. I’ve booked other people’s shows, and most all of theirfriends have booked shows for me. I know exactly where everybodyis coming from. But if somebody is going to be so narrow-mindedand closed-minded to shut me off just because I believe in a higherpower then that’s their loss. It’s one of those things where I can’t fireback at it. I feel really strongly about it. I just don’t see how you cantake thousands of years of culture and civilization, like NativeAmericans and indigenous people, and just write off the ideas of themystery of life after death because of some punk band.BD: You’re equating Christianity on the same level as other reli-gions? What I mean is that some people will think higher of other reli-gions and lower of Christianity, and, at the same time, most Christiansthink higher of themselves than they do of other religions.Jamie: Yeah, I understand it to an extent because we live in Americawhere Christianity is the big religion. I always go for the underdog.It’s like everything beautiful is tainted. That’s the vicious circle of theworld. That’s the way everything turns. Everything has this taint. Anychurch group, any punk scene, all of it has its ups and its dark sides.

BD: What’s up with Arkam Records and the Black Owl Print Shop?Jamie: I started Arkam Records just to document the music we weremaking. I try to make it as local as I can, but it’s hard to do. I meanthere are a lot of bands, but, at the same time, there’s not a lot ofbands. It’s hard to raise the money to do it. It’s not something I do topay the bills; it’s purely for fun. I want to sit and listen to this stuff atnight with a cup of coffee. I don’t care anything at all about beinginnovative or setting a trend, or being cutting edge, or doing it first. Idon’t care anything at all about the internet, although it’s a beautifultool, but I just don’t care. I love to see people play and I love to makemusic. I love the live show. My granddad was paralyzed. For fiftyyears he was in a wheelchair. I always think about that, making thebest of what you can do physically. There are so many people whowould rather start some cool Sex Pistols-style manifesto over theinternet, and that’s fine, but they can have it. I don’t want it. AndArkam is something to keep the beans on the table and the fuel in thetank while you’re on tour. Black Owl, in another way, is the same.We’ve screened so many shirts for bands, and posters and 7” covers.Like with vinyl… I think we reached our pinnacle with recordingwith vinyl and now we’re on the downward curve. That was the bestwe’ve ever done in recording technology was with vinyl. And withBlack Owl we print our own covers ‘cause that cuts the cost downfifty percent on putting out a vinyl record. Plus Black Owl makes itso we don’t have to put up with a boss. Nothing sucks worse thanhaving to get along with some boss. I go to Black Owl and I hope Ican do that as long as I can. I figure how many hours I put in work-ing at jobs. If I put in one tenth of those hours for myself, I can sur-vive. I may not be high rolling, but I can at least survive and that’s thething with Black Owl. We’ll have bands play there. So many peoplehave hooked me up on tour and I try to return the favor and we playin the shop. That’s how it is, hoss.BD: Do you ever feel like you’re part of something larger?Jamie: Whenever it’s happening I don’t, but when I look back overthe course of time I do. Like with styles of music, back in Auburn wewere riding skateboards, and then going home and having band prac-tice and playing records and then going across the street to see afriend’s band play, and that’s what we did. But now, looking back, weall had this sound. And that’s the same for what the kids are doing inPedro and wherever they are: Minneapolis or Bellingham. I feel likeI’m a part of something whenever I leave Florence. BD: I’ve had people tell me that the Haints have inspired them andother bands. What do you think about that?Jamie: Oh man. It’s a sick world out there.

I think there are so many people in the scene who beat up each otherand condemn each other: “this guy’s right,” and, “this guy’s wrong,”you know? You get kicked in the teeth every day around here.BD: Yeah. I got a knife pulled on me. I was threatened to getshot. I got bitten on the chest and head butted in the mouth, all inthree months. Jamie: Yeah, you got bit! It’s hard to live here. It’s like old personpressure when you’re too young. Or people you went to school withyou get kicked on and beat on everyday, man. People need to betogether on this. And you have to understand that nobody in thisworld is the same, and two people can hear the same thing com-pletely different in a Bob Marley song. And people can get some-thing completely different out of going to church or not going tochurch. But it doesn’t have anything to do with church. It has to dowith community. Some people get off on being friends with theirfamily and parents, and others parents are seen as evil or are bad par-ents and people cut them off, but you can’t pick on each other.Everybody’s got to be understanding on it. BD: I’ve seen both sides of that.Jamie: Exactly. It’s rough. And rather than come down on some-body just because of a style of music they play or something theybelieve, sometimes it seems like it doesn’t matter if you’ve soldyour soul to George Bush or sold you soul to the devil, if you’recool then your cool. BD: Well, some might say that selling your soul to the devil mightbe better than to G. Bush. Jamie: Sometimes, it seems like “punk” kids around here will attackthings, like say “Screwdriver. These guys are racists,” or they’llnamedrop, followed by “these guys are racists” or this or that. Butevery one of them will have some black metal patch on their jacket,and a lot of those bands were neo-Nazi. A lot of those guys from thefirst, classic, Swedish metal bands were into white supremacistgroups. And it doesn’t matter a hill of beans—you can tell somebodythat all day long—but they’ll go off on some local band in your townthat made $400 playing a show. They’ll go off on those guys for notbeing true, but then they’ll go buy a Slayer album. And Slayer, thoseguys are loaded, and been on major labels their whole career. That’swhat I mean when I say you can be with Bush, the devil, or be polit-ically subversive, but all that matters—it seems like sometimes—isif you’re cool or not. If it’s cool to wear this, then people will do it.That’s one of those things that bum me out. In Alabama and thesouth, because it’s so rough to be involved in anything independent,most people around here are really cool and nice about being therefor each other. We’re too small to destroy ourselves. BD: Man, I’ve got to ask you: do you want me to print thatreligion stuff?Jamie: It don’t matter, man. If you do, just make sure I don’t get cru-cified with it. BD: Well, one of the things I tell people when I hear them say this orthat about Jamie from the Haints and his religion is that if they couldlook on your bookshelf they’d see all sorts of books from AntonLaVey (founder of the Church of Satan), to some crazy-assed devilstories from the wilds of western Russia. Jamie: In a nutshell, there’s good and bad with all of them. But youshouldn’t ever shoot it in the head. Anton LaVey was a great pianoplayer, by the way. I used to have a number of his albums. BD: Really?Jamie: When Anton LaVey started his church, he would play at thebar on Saturday night and then play the church organ on Sunday. Hesaid he would see the same people on Saturday night that he saw onSunday morning, and “seething hypocrisy” struck a chord with him.And that was kind of how he got his start, so to speak. That’s one ofthe fires that started it for him. That says a lot right there, you know?BD: I think it might.

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Top fives

Amy AdoyzieTop 5 Records from GregCartwright’s Discography Echoingin My Heart at the Moment1. Oblivians, Rock N Roll Holiday2. Compulsive Gamblers, Live and Deadly3. Reigning Sound, Too Much Guitar4. Oblivians, Soul Food5. Reigning Sound, Live at Goner

Aphid Peewit1. Out With A Bang, I’m Against It EP2. Mentors, Over the Top3. Reatards/Tokyo Electron/AngryAngles, Totally Shattered EuroTour 7”4. Dead Stop, Live for Nothing5. Bukowski: Born In to This (DVD)

BD WilliamsTop 5 Things I Like• Amy Adoyzie• Craig Ibarra, The Rise and Fall guy• Mars• Dead Boy and the Elephant Men• The Brothers of the Echo ParkPine Thickets Union

Ben Snakepit1. Brutal Knights LP2. Sainte Catherines, Dancing forDecadence LP3. Drinkers Purgatory CD4. Avail, Dixie reissue CD5. Gorilla Angreb, live

Buttertooth1. Dope, Guns, and Fucking in theStreets Vol. 1-3, compilation 12”2. Tortoise, TNT 12”3. Tupamaros, Beyond the Bias 10”4. Nation of Ulysses, 13 PointProgram to Destroy America 12”5. Hostile Combover, Storklord CD

Chris DevlinTop 5 Way Overdue Thank-Yous1. Thanks to Replay Dave for put-ting us up in his beautiful homeduring the Fest, and thanks toLaura for the use of the bed (p.s.sorry about the sheets).2. Thanks to Vanessa at Fat WreckChords for the tickets and drinks(many times over).3. Thanks to whomever (possiblyGabe Rock) left the Spiderman shirton the floor of the bowling alley.4. Thanks to Toby for reminding usthat the sound of laughter, when fol-lowing the question “Are you okayto drive?”, is never a good sign. 5. Thanks to Todd and Sean for contin-uing to let me be on the team in spiteof my mild to moderate retardation.

Chris Peigler1. Signal Lost, Live in Asheville,NC 4/15/062. Direct Control, You’re Controlled LP3. The Two Funerals, Live on WUVT CD-R4. Black Market Baby,Coulda...Shoulda...Woulda CD5. I Live With Zombies, Self-titled CD

Comrade BreeTop 5 Psionic Attacks Used atRecent Shows1. Hypnotic firing of mind bullets:Bent Outta Shape at some base-ment show2. Telekinetic levy break: Knife Skills/No Things at S.S. Marie Antionette3. Discombobulating pulse cannonassault: Manplus at Chop Suey4. Telemechanic attack: Tracy+ thePlastics at the Frye Art Museum5. False memory implant and/orprobability confounder: Drug- andalcohol-induced blackout provokedduring a Trashies basement show.

DeniseRandom Highlights of March andApril in Random Order• Lawrence Arms live at TheWashington Pavilion on March 16

• Discovering $0.85 Mystery Beerat the Arrow Bar• Learning that the differencebetween making a flaming drinkand being a pyromaniac is whetheryou’re on the clock• Finding tape of Jesse LP byLeatherface under car seat• Gospel of the Flying SpaghettiMonster by Bobby Henderson

Designated Dale1. The Gears at Mr. T’s Bowl inHighland Park2. The Rock and Roll B-MovieMonsters DVD3. The Shemps at some Jewishcommunity center in Culver City4. Bill Florio of the above-men-tioned Shemps for his GreedyBastard Vol. 15. People who recognize commoncourtesy (No, I ain’t being sarcastic).

Donofthedead• Dan, Thology 2xCD• Balzac, Deep Blue CD• Madonna, True Blue LP• Tragedy, live• Jewdriver, live

Dr. Lord Kveldulfr1. Brett Favre still not retiring.2. The Milwaukee Brewers doingtheir usual April ass-kicking (thebottom drops out around mid-May).3. The word “hogan.”4. I’m a newly minted doctor! (Stillgot that new doctor smell!)5. My (future) wife deciding thatshe really doesn’t want to grow acock to show all those fuckers athing or two and instead grabbing aglass of wine and being the won-derfully charming and beautifulwoman that she is.

Greg Barbera1. Chaz’s Bull City Records inDurham, NC2. Double Negative3. Jim Harrison’s novel, True North4. Portable record players5. Rediscovering the joys of Voidfor the umpteenth time

Jennifer Whiteford1. Paint It Black and CareerSuicide at Cafe Dekcuf in Ottawaon March 25th2. Alright, This Time Just the Girlscompilation album from Sympathyfor the Record Industry3. River City Tanlines, All 7 InchesPlus Two More album 4. Muffler Crunch debut full lengthon Last Drag Records5. And I hear there’s an awesome newnovel available from Gorsky Press...

Jenny MoncayoTop 5 Songs I Can’t Get Off Repeat1. Clorox Girls “Don’t Take Your Life”2. Culture Shock “Forever and Ever”3. The Briefs “Jet Boy, Jet Girl”4. Marked Men “Not Just Another Girl”5. Lost Sounds “Destructo Comet”

Jessica TMy Top 5 Mp3’s, In Order1. Hank III, “Pills I Took”2. Bloody Hollies, “Swing”3. Black Rodeo, “The Need”4. Love Story In Blood Red, “Perfect”5. Some Action, “Gotta Know”

Jimmy Alvarado• Tsotsi (movie)• The Three Burials of MelquiadesEstrada (movie)• Black Market Baby,Coulda...Shoulda...Woulda• 500,000 immigrants flooding thestreets of Downtown L.A., fol-lowed by tens of thousands of kidswalking outta school to protestH.R. 4437. Let’s hope the May 1stgeneral strike put the final nail inthe coffin. • Despite their spin doctors’ bestefforts, the Bush administrationcontinues to lose its fictional“political capital” in a hailstorm ofscandals, corrupt practices, andexposed lies.

Joe Evans• Modern Machines, “Unequipped”• The Minutemen, “Shit from anOld Notebook”• Dillinger Four, “Farts Are Jazz to Assholes”• New Mexican Disaster Squad,“Wasting Matches”• Sick Sick Birds, “Little Champ”

RAZORCAKE STAFF

Josh Rigmas1. Busy Signals, Can’t Feel a Thing 7” 2. Cococomas, All I Give 7”3. Black Lips, Let It Bloom4. Frederick Exley, A Fan’s Notes (book)5. Susan Forward, Toxic Parents (book)

Julia Smut1. The Flesh Eaters live in 20062. Tex and the Horseheads live in 20063. The Sonics4. Longer and warmer days!5. 1966 Triumph T-100 building

Kat Jetson1. Arctic Monkeys, WhateverPeople Say I Am, That’s What I’mNot CD 2. Matt Jones from Pirates Press.He’s my vinyl pressing hero. 3. V for Vendetta (movie)4. April 3—baseball’s opening day 5. Satan’s Pilgrims, PlymouthRock: The Best of Satan’s Pilgrims2xCD

KiyoshiTop 5 Pick Up Lines at AlternativePress Expo April 8-9, SanFrancisco Concourse Exhibition Center1. “My zine is gay but I amtotally hetero.”2. “Come over to my work and I’llget you free xeroxes.”3. “Your zine reminds me of ayoung Cometbus.”4. “Saddle stitch me, fold me, andtrade me.”5. “You look just like the way youdraw yourself in your comics.”

Kurt Morris1. Getting ready to quit my job.2. Howard Zinn’s Declarations ofIndependence (book)3. Kurt Vonnegut’s Breakfast ofChampions (book)4. Jawbox, Self-titled5. Enjoying the onslaught of beau-tiful Spring weather.

Maddy Tight Pants1. The Carrie Nations, Be Still CD2. Arise Bookstore in Minneapolis3. The Icarus Project4. Hanging out on the swings at 3 AM.5. Summer!

Megan Pants• Measure (SA), Historical Fiction• Mind Control, Self-titled• Kidnappers, Neon Signs• Sneaky Pinks, I Can’t Wait b/wKill Kill Kill, Life Stoopid, IStoopid: 7”• Django Reinhardt, some best of collection

Mike Frame• Live Fast Die, Bandana Thrash Record• Suspicions, Self-titled• The Coup, Steal This Album• Direct Control, You’re Controlled• Tegan and Sara, So Jealous

Mike PlanteTop 5 DVDs on Repeat1. Deadwood2. Milking & Scratching3. Afro Promo4. Wonder Showzen5. Keane

Miss Namella J. KimTop Five Life DisasterRemedies/Recommendations5. Joan Jett’s Greatest Hits on fullblast out of the Hello Kitty boombox!4. Bauhaus opening for NineInch Nails: I plan on staging amass walk out right before Trentand Co. storm the stage.Everyone, wear a sandwich boardthat says, “NIN is GAY.”3. Headline Records on MelroseAvenue and Jean Luc’s insightsinto the current economy and shar-ing some Japanese milk candywhile buying punker dude bumperstickers for my new hoopty.2. The Flesheaters/Geisha Girls atThe Echo 1. Studs Terkel’s, The Good War (book)

Mor FleisherTop 5 Songs About Girls1. The Screamers, “The Girl in theCar with the Glasses and the Gun”2. The Alarm Clocks, “Yeah”3. Bo Diddley, “Dearest Darling”4. Billy Childish and TheBlackhands, “I Love My Woman”5. Larry Williams, “Short Fat Fannie”

MP Johnson• Meat Weasels: The bizarreworm/leech things that live at thebottom of the chasm in PeterJackson’s King Kong.• Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone (movie)• Billy Joe Shaver• Zeke, Super Sound Racing• Ultraviolet, Does this moviemake any sense to anyone?

Mr. ZFavorite Contributors of Last Issue1. Kiyoshi Nakazawa (cute comic) 2. Sean Carswell (fucking up column)3. Amy Adoyzie (Crack dealer column)4. Designated Dale (Chapelle column)5. Keith Rosson (so many zine reviews)

Nardwuar the HumanServiette

1. Leather Uppers, Bright Lights LP2. Various Artists, Winnipeg Riot CD3. Knights of the New Crusade,A Challenge to the Cowards ofChristendom CD4. Venom, Metal Black CD5. The Spinoffs, Street Rock Stars CD

NewtimRecent Finds on Myspace…• Horror Vakuum, “Storyteller” (Sweden)• Shorty Cat, “Riot Girl” (Korea)• Beyond Pink, “WalkingBajamaja” (Sweden)• BB Bomb, “Memories” (Taiwan)• Besta-Fera, “AquelesOut” (Brazil)

Norb1. Returnables, Self-titled CD2. Mind Controls, Self-titled CD3. La Peste, Better Off La Peste CD4. Wau y Los Arrrghs!!!, Canton en Espanol CD5. Dawning of a New Era: TheRoots of Skinhead Reggae 2xLP

Rhythm Chicken• Klaus Mitffoch, Self-titled• Republika, Best of...• Cool Kids of Death, entire discography• What Is to Be Done? byNikolai G. Chernyshevsky (book)• Palinca (Romanian homemadeplum moonshine!)

Ryan Leach• Gene Clark, Gene Clark withthe Gosdin Brothers• The Byrds, Turn! Turn! Turn!• Thomas Pynchon, V. (book)• The upcoming debut ofFortune’s Flesh• The Velvet Underground, Live in 1969

Sean CarswellTop Five Records to Spin on MyNew Portable Record Player1. Marked Men, Nothing’sChanged b/w She Won’t Know 7”2. Dan Padilla/ChineseTelephones, Split 7”3. Toys That Kill, Don’t Take MyClone b/w Breaking Out 7” 4. Marked Men/Sultans/Heartaches, Tour 7” 5. Wendy Kroys, Songs aboutLust, Revenge, & UFOs LP

Sean KoepenickTop 5 Reissues I Am Digging• Generation X, Live• The Who, My Generation Deluxe Edition.• TSOL, Who’s Screwin’ Who.• The Slickee Boys, Fashionably Late/Live at Last• Revolting Cocks, Beers, Steers and Queers.

Stevo1. Waylon Jennings, GreatestHits/Live/Phase One2. Hank III, Straight to Hell3. Robot Chicken Season 1 DVD4. Lost. So many new episodes!5. Tiltwheel covering “Skyway”

Tim JamisonTop Five: Beasts of Bourbon• “Love and Death”• “Hard for You”• “The Hate Inside”• “Hope You Find Your Wayto Heaven”• Seeing the mighty Beasts ofBourbon in Koln, DE

Todd Taylor• Grabass Charlestons, When theFunk Hits the Fan 7”• Gorilla Angreb, Beder Tider, 12” EP• Tranzmitors, Bigger Houses, Broken Homes b/wGlamour Girls, 7”• Bent Outta Shape/Snuggle, Split 7”• Fifth Hour Hero, Not Revenge… Just a ViciousCrush LP

Ty Stranglehold1. Riverboat Gamblers, To theConfusion of Our Enemies2. The Shivs, They’re Here3. The Hanson Brothers/MarriedTo Music, live 4. L.I.D., Hasn’t Gotten WeirdEnough for Me5. Smogtown (anything andeverything about them)

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26: The Messiah: CDWow. What a terrible record.Kind of like the Grateful Deadgone a bit metal with reallyawful, whiny-droning-nasaltwo-part vocal harmonies.Drove me batty. The music itselfis okay at times, but it is toorepetitive, and those vocals,THOSE VOCALS!!! ARRRGH!Oh, and regarding 26’s seeminghippy-dippy mentality, therecord is replete with lyricsabout our animal friends andworn-out clichéd tunes about thesocial injustice of the massacreat Wounded Knee. Don’t buythis record unless you’re intosado-masochism with hempinstead of leather. –The LordKveldulfr (Crustacean)

A GLOBAL THREAT: Where the Sun Never Sets: CDI’ve listened to this severaltimes and keep coming up withconflicting results. On the onehand, it put a smile on my facebecause it reminds me of all thegreat hardcore bands over theyears and does an excellent jobof taking the listener from sayPoint A (Cro Mags) to Point B(Avail). So it’s obvious that theband’s inspiration is comingfrom all the right places for meto enjoy it. On the other hand,no matter how many times I’velistened to it, it always comesacross stale and soul-less.Something is missing and I’mnot quite sure I can pinpoint it.–Greg Barbera (BYO)

ABUSE, THE: Digging Your Own Grave: CDOkay, I’ll try to refrain fromcommenting on the Colorforms,stereotypical punk/skin fashionsense evident here in order toaddress something I think is ofmore import: Why would abunch of kids who look like theywere born nowhere near 1977wanna be the “next generation(of 77)”? My understanding of“punk” has always been to beyourself, to challenge the statusquo and what has come before,so it seems to me that lookinglike punk stereotypes and sound-ing like so many other bands andsinging about the same old tired,vague shit (“Lawless Streets,”“Violent Youth,” getting drunk,blah blah blah) that was prettymuch run into the ground twodecades ago is a far cry from a“punk and skin evolution.”Seems to me that acting like

punk’s equivalent of theRepublican Party (safe, longingfor the “good ol’ days,” unwill-ing to accept change, and whol-ly obsolete) is more of a regres-sion. Fuck the past, kids, ‘causeit’s deader than RosieO’Donnell’s career. Instead ofbeing the “new generation of77,” you should be more con-cerned with being the new gen-eration of 2007. Go out and findyour own “punk” noise insteadof trying to emulate long-deadmedia stereotypes. While you’reat it, please pick out specific tar-gets for your ire. Even some-thing as lame as a simplistic“Bush sucks” or “the Democratsare pansies” is a damn sightmore “punk” than hollow faux-militancy that doesn’t take astand on anything. –JimmyAlvarado (Charged)

ACTS OF SEDITION/BAFABEGIYA: Split: 12”When you get this 12”, bewarned: due to an error at thepressing plant, the record labelswere placed on the wrong sidesof the record. So take note ofwhether you’re listening toOakland-based Acts Of Seditionor Reno-based Bafabegiya. ActsOf Sedition sounds like ware-house DIY, dark and heavy punkin the vein of Logical Nonesense,with the rockin’ guitars and occa-sional crazy speed of Zeke.Bafabegiya reminds me of hard-core punk from Belgium orHolland, where they infuse polit-ical sing-along punk with growl-ing vocals atop metal guitars andsong structures. Pretty solidrelease. –Mr. Z (Spacement)

ALCOHOLIC WHITE TRASH:Punk Rock Jihad: CDThey might not all be white ortrash, but they sure have thealcoholic thing down pat. Thisis AWT’s second full length CD,and it was well worth the wait.Searing hardcore punk, with ahint of metal overtones andheavy on the scum humor, theseboys fit right in with theirVictoria luminaries DaygloAbortions and Lummox.Musically, this is the bestthey’ve ever sounded. Period.The thing that really stood outto me was the vocals. RatboyRoy has got a voice apart fromdrunken rambling! Who knew?In the end, I can do without thereally over-the-top lyrics (is “IShit My Cunt” really neces-sary?), but other than that ittruly is a great record. –TyStranglehold (Crusty)

ALICIA SMITH: For Lovers, Dreamers and Me: CDAlthough the press materialsays Smith “evokes influences”including Patti Labelle, BarbaraStreisand, and Billie Holiday,she sounds nothing like thesesinging legends. What she doesshare with them, however, is an

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“Like if emo came in

Budweiser cans.

––Keith Rosson

Hey! Person puttingyour reviewable in themail: full album art isrequired for review.Pre releases go into

the trash.

BLAST FROM THE PAST: A New Review of an

Old Favorite

SPONTANEOUS DISGUST: C4 Suppository—A Love Sonnet in Plastique: CassetteTo be honest, I have no recollection ofwhere I first heard of Spontaneous Disgust.My guess would be in some dingy down-town bar, knee deep in spent Sierra Nevadaand Newcastle bottles and arguing the via-bility of punk rock as a direct challenge tothe status quo with Yogi, Mike Guerrero,and some punter who thought the newestincarnation of the Misfits was relevant.Ultimately, I guess the particulars don’treally matter and are probably wholly fab-ricated by my somewhat addled mind.What is relevant is that one morning Iwoke up nursing a hangover and in direneed of a bowl of menudo to kill said hang-over in its tracks and found this batteredcassette with “Spontaneous Discgust” (sic)written on one side, wrapped in a strip ofheavy sandpaper adorned with markeredhappy faces and mutilated stick figures andheld together by a frayed blue rubber band.Although I had no recollection whatsoeveras to where the tape came from, I assumedit probably came from a friend, as I foundit stuffed unceremoniously into the insidepocket of my flight jacket. I plunked it intomy tape player, pressed play, and sat formy first helping of the world’s only knowncrudo cure-all, and nearly had my headblown off of my shoulders when the musicstarted. What was coming out of my stereowas not so much “music” as a completeassault on everything humankind holdssacred—a mélange of misery, frustration,and righteous anger wrapped around mon-ster hooks and BIG beats. While it certain-ly contained all the requisites, it wasn’t

easily classifiable as “punk” in the strictestsense—I mean how the hell can a band usea French horn in that way and still becalled “punk”?—and any attempts topigeonhole it in any of punk’s multiplesub-genres proved even more difficult. No,these guys were dealing in a whole newcategorization and they were doing theirdamnedest to ensure they remained theONLY residing in that neighborhood. Thesongs—“When I Think of You, I KnowWhy Mantises Kill Their Mates,” “Praisethe Lord and Pass the Amniocentesis,”“Donner Dinner Party” and “The MustardGas Shuffle,” respectively—worked on alevel I’d never heard a band, punk or oth-erwise, work on before, freely profaningevery sense of decency imaginable withoutresorting to cheap chock tactics, all in thename of making a pointed statement aboutthe hypocrisy of American culture and itsglorification of violence as art. Needless tosay, I was hooked. The tape lasted a grandtotal of seven listens before it inexplicablydisintegrated, depositing a fine brownpowder in my car stereo that I’m stillscraping out these many years later. Yearsafterward, I learned that the tape’s shortlifespan was intentional—part of theband’s desire to make their fans reallyWORK to hear them—and that it was onlyone of twenty-four that ever actually exist-ed, but those seven listens were enough tohook me but good and ensure that I wouldremain a lifelong fan. Some thirty-eightreleases later (eleven of which I’ve actual-ly heard), they remain one of my favoritebands and C4 Suppository—A Love Sonnetin Plastique remains one of the greatestpunk-oriented releases I’ve ever heard.Wanna copy? Good fucking luck findingone that works, kid. –Jimmy Alvarado(address lost in the mists of time)

Guys, what happened?”

ability to transcend (or in her casewholly bypass) current populartrends in music and stake out a littleplace all her own. Marrying strongvocals to a concoction of jazz, psych-tinged pop and nouveau soul, Smithdemonstrates some range and a desireto experiment outside the box. Sheeschews the heavy reliance on scales,808-beats and self-demeaning lyricsso frequently found in modernsoul/hip hop in favor of a moreorganic approach with what soundslike real, honest-to-goodness instru-ments. Dunno if it’ll garner massiveradio airplay, but it should, and whenit works, like on “Love Endeavor,”and the velvety “Secrets,” somemighty good listening is afoot. Myrequisite gripe? Where’s the cover ofthe Muppets’ “RainbowConnection,” which features thisalbum’s title in its lyrics? –JimmyAlvarado (Heroes)

ALLIACEOUS: Self-titled: 12” This is the first time I’m hearing of thisband, but what I’m hearing I like andlike a lot. The energy and rough edgesof the Crime as Forgiven By... AgainstMe! EP with lyric writing quality andsuccessful country twang flavors ofThe Tim Version. The emotions I feelwhen I listen to this album are what Ifeel when I listen to anything put out byBent Outta Shape. In fact, a house partywith Alliaceous, Bent Outta Shape, andThe Tim Version would be a dreamcome true now that I think about it.This LP is highly recommended fortimes of non-stop thinking and/ordrinking. –Mr. Z (Bitter Like the Bean)

ANNA OXYGEN: This Is an Exercise: CDI’ve seen Anna Oxygen play live. AndI liked her. Even though I usuallyactively dislike music that uses com-puters instead of instruments. Thething about Anna Oxygen is that shehas an incredible singing voice. Itsupercedes the electronic music thatshe surrounds it with. That said, I findthis album very hard to get into. Thetitle track is fairly catchy and aptlynamed since it makes me feel like Ishould be in an aerobics class, but thehooks and melodies of most of thesongs are obscured by all the elec-tronic affects that Ms. Oxygen hasdecided to play with. And holy crap,there is one track called “MechanicalFish” which scares the shit out of meevery time it comes on. An unexpect-ed man-voice pouring out of myspeakers? Yikes. I think I will takethis album down the street and give itto my neighbor, Jessica, who likes tojog and work out and dance in barsfull of cute girls. If you like to dothose things too, then perhaps this isthe perfect album for you. –JenniferWhiteford (Kill Rock Stars)

ANTICS, THE: Here We Go Again…: CDAllow me, if you will, to call this bythe cover. Three tattooed guys drinkinglots of beer with porno mags and ablow-up doll. I’m thinking Nobodys.Well, I was close. Plenty of childishyet funny lyrics here, but I wasn’texpecting the oi Slant. Seriously, itsounds like a bunch of Nobodys’ songscovered by The Templars… And it

works! It almost seems like they wantto do some serious songs with titleslike “Bring Back the Youth” and“Social Disease” but just couldn’t helpbut go with “Handjob Horrors” and“Blister-Bater.” Well played, catchy,and brought a smile to my face. –TyStranglehold (Wounded Paw)

ANTI-FLAG: For Blood and Empire: picture disc LPI know: major label sell-outs, boo hoo,and all that jazz. But based on theirtrack record and the fact that the LPcame out on their own label, I’mgonna review it anyway. First of all,this twelve inch rules big time. Theirsound and politics have not been com-promised or diluted. Even the lategreat John Candy’s son shows up toadd some horns to the mix, and itworks out beautifully. I hope this bandcan keep a firm grip on their ideals aswell as continue to grow and maturefrom this point on. That would be agreat thing to see. The songs “OneTrillion Dollars”—that sounds like itcould have started out as a Justin Saneacoustic solo song—”Hymn for theDead,” and “Cities Burn” are the high-lights with the best set of lyrics being:“One trillion dollars could buy a lot ofbling... One trillion dollars buying allthe nations of the world, one trilliondollars could make the fat lady sing,one trillion dollars what a bullshit use-less thing!” Now, do I agree with theirmove to RCA? Does my opinion oryour opinion even matter? No, notreally. But one thing is for sure: interms of mainstream get-you-to-thinkmusic, this LP beats the shit out of

anything lyrically or musically everput out by vague alternative rockersRage Against The Machine. So rasp-berry from me to you! And if you’rereally that much of an anti-capitalist,whiny punk you should refrain frombuying the CD (because you weregoing to take the CD and upload thealbum to your ipod) and be a real punkrocker and buy it from a truly inde-pendent label on fine picture discvinyl for your record player—hell thetwelve inch even has one extra songthan the CD. That said, this album hasme wanting three things from thefuture. A) Anti-Flag to continue to dowhat they do best: whatever the hellthey want. B) A-F to get tons ofmoney for their non-profit goals aswell as to grace the public with whatwe’ve been patiently waiting for: ANEW INTRO5PECT CD! and C) Ihope and pray Against Me!’s majorlabel debut next year will be a pleasantsurprise by impressing me the sameway this release has. –Mr. Z (A-F)

ANTSY PANTS: Self-titled: CDI don’t really know the story here. Itseems like there’s an adult and abunch of French kids playing songson guitar and ukulele. I’m not thebiggest fan of kids—they can’treach high things, they’re hardlyever interested in records, they wantto eat my candy and not sharetheirs—but, still there’s somethingendearing here. It kind of makes mefeel like somehow I got to sit onthat one special class where the kidsare smart, well-behaved, and inter-ested in learning. Very far from

what I’d usually go for, but it’sfound a way into the rotation.–Megan (Plan-it-x)

ARRIGT ANTRAEK: Self-titled: 7”By looking at the pictures, they’re ayoung punk band out of Denmark thatsounds like they came from the sameschool of punk that Amdi PetersensArme and No Hope For The Kids camefrom. Not as fast as the latter bands, butthey have a definite snotty attitude thatkind of sets this band apart. But theyalso have an early Swedish sound thatreminded me a little of Asta Kask. I likethe fact that they sing in their nativelanguage. What they are singing about,I don’t know. I liked the rawness of thesongs and the simplicity. If they cankeep it together, they will be a band wewill be hearing about more on theseshores. –Donofthedead (Hjernespind)

BENLAVIN: Come on People: CDThere’s a chance that, had this come outin the ‘80s, they would’ve had a hit. Notthat it’s that good, just that people’stastes sucked back then. –Megan (nolabel, no address)

BENT OUTTA SHAPE / SNUGGLE: Split: 7”Bent Outta Shape have figured out thatelusive lost gear that most bands don’tknow exists. It’s pacing and it worksfor fucking, square dancing, skeetshooting, and punk rock (among otherthings). They know how to stagger,swagger, and rock while not neutering,compromising, or scrunching. Asong’ll be all atmospheric, hangover-city, then, whap, duct tape celebration,

Sparks held high, morals to the ground.I’ve said it many times: Bent OuttaShape take the best of theReplacements and make new, greatsongs twenty years later. Righteousthree songs. Snuggle: It’s fun to blameLookout! because they didn’t pay roy-alties to their golden calves and nowthey’re bankrupt (at least artistically, ifnot financially). Lookout! personified,deified, and fostered the East Bay poppunk scene, then wiped their handsclean of the whole affair for ironic hip-ster shitpop. Here’s the second coming.Snuggle: what nostalgia feels likewhen you don’t have any happy mem-ories, but lots of hard lessons learned. Isay this with admiration. They’d fitright on the bill between Op Ivy andGreen Day when they were both awk-ward, gawky, and wondering wheretheir next meal was coming from. Fun-sounding, yearning-yet-critical, unguli-ty pop punk. –Todd (1234 Go!)

BEOWULF: The Re-Releases: CDThis is what I know. The Venice, CAbased band was part of the SuicidalTendencies circle which included theNeighborhood Watch, No Mercy, RimPests, Excel, and others. They even hada sub-gang of friends under that circle.Growing up in the area and into punk, Iknew many who were affiliated withST guys and even went to school withsome of them. At one point, I wasasked to play in one of the brotherbands. I turned them down when theperson I was supposed to replace gotstabbed for claiming the band name.That was a little too much for me. Theband first released two tracks on the

Welcome to Venice comp that was putout by Suicidal Records. Soon after,they released their self-titled LP. Ibelieve it was around ‘85-’86. Iremember my brother giving that LP afavorable review in Flipside magazineand getting a ton of hate mail for it. Ipersonally didn’t think much of it at thetime when I first heard it. I do remem-ber that it sounded like Motörhead tome. They released their second LP,Lost My Head... in ‘88 on Caroline.Maybe listened to the whole album acouple of times, but my favorite wasthe Smokey Robinson cover of“Cruisin’.” I loved that it was metaland it kind of got thrashy at the end.The first two LPs are compiled here. Ibelieve this is a legit reissue. But Iswear that I heard some record popshere and there on the tracks from thefirst LP. I guess the masters are gone.The music is what I remember, veryMotörhead-ish. But what I might havebeen bugged by back then does not bugme now. The lyrics are very macho andmisogynist in nature. That kind of stuffis what I was trying to get away fromwhen I got into punk. So the lyrics, lis-tening to them now, just rub me thewrong way. That’s a shame because themusic they created was pretty kick-ass.–Donofthedead (I Scream)

BLACK MARKET BABY: Coulda…Shoulda…Woulda: CDThough it may seem to the contrary,Washington D.C. had many bands thatweren’t part of the wholehardcore/Revolution Summer thang,which enjoys the lion’s share of popu-larity. One of the best non-Dischord

bands was Black Market Baby, whomusically stood at another end of thepunk rock spectrum from their youngercontemporaries, opting to crank outsolid, hook-filled stompers instead ofthrashing in atonal abandon, and theycontinued pretty much along the samepath for the bulk of their existence.Collected on this CD are twenty-sixcareer-spanning examples of some ofthe finest punk rock you’re ever gonnahear, from the rockin’ “Back SeatSally” to the jaw-dropping-good“Potential Suicide,” with not a crappytune in sight. If the extent of your D.C.punk experience is limited to MinorThreat, Bad Brains, and Fugazi, thenpick this up and consider yourself thatmuch cooler. –Jimmy Alvarado(www.drstrange.com)

BLANK ITS: Happy Accidents: CDVocals-in-a-can and heavy on theguitar. Nothing bad, but I kept forget-ting I was listening to anything.–Megan (Empty)

BLIGHT: Detroit: The Dream Is Dead: CDA reissue by this Tesco Vee-led, post-Fix band’s sole 7” EP (plus outtakes, afour-track demo, and a live set), shorton the hardcore thrashin’ that made allinvolved (in)famous and long on artydirge-core. While I’ve always had a softspot for Blight’s skronk (hell, I’m asucker for almost any of Tesco’s pro-jects that don’t involve piss poor heavymetal noodling), I’m completely at aloss as to why Touch and Go thought torelease this and not a proper collectionof the Fix’s recorded output. Thatband’s status and influence on

Midwestern hardcore would lead one tobelieve they’d be first in line for a ret-rospective like those T&G have donefor Die Kreuzen, Negative Approach,the Meatmen and now Blight, espe-cially considering the fact that theiroutput hasn’t been in print for many amoon. Go figure. –Jimmy Alvarado(Touch and Go)

BLITZ: Hits: CDDunno if most of what’s on here couldbe considered “hits” in the “units shift-ed” sense of the term, especially whenwe’re talking about embarrassing cov-ers of “Suffragette City,” but anyexcuse to blast some crucial tunes fromone of England’s greatest punk bands isa welcome one, and crucial tunes are inabundance here. The bulk of the trackscome from their first few singles andthe Voice of a Generation album, so thisis a great starting point if you’re unfa-miliar with ‘em. Now excuse me whileI go back to singing along to “4Q.”–Jimmy Alvarado (SOS)

BODIES LAY BROKEN: Discursive Decomposing Disquisitions of Moldered Malapropisms and SedulousSolecisms 2000-2002: CDI was shocked into silence by this. Imean, I knew full well that I was goingto hate it, but DAMN! Seriously guys,twenty-three of twenty-seven songs areLatin names for diseases of one sort oranother (but I’m glad you threw“Chudbot” in there for good measure!).The music? Well let’s just say that it’sgrindcore of the most nonsensicaldegree. The vocals sound like a combi-nation of the spit suction at the dentist

and trying to hock up that elusive loo-gie that has been irritating your throatfor the last half an hour. Granted, Imight not be the right person to reviewthis, but I am the right one to point outthat if these guys had put as mucheffort into the English on the disc as theLatin, the spine might not have read“Bodies Lay Borken.” Painful. –TyStranglehold (One Percent)

BODIES LAY BROKEN: Eximenious Execration of Exiguous Exequies: CDAh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I lovethis: twenty-seven short blasts ofCarcass-worshipping goregrind. Withsong titles like “EmbrocateIndiscutient Hirudinea Poultice” and“Acedic Intransigent BougienaleHordeolum,” I’m sure you can imaginewhat this sounds like. I wonder, whenthis band plays live, how do they writetheir set lists? It obviously takes longerto write out and correctly spell thesong titles than it does to play (andprobably even write) the songs, but it’sall a part of the charm of this. Notsomething I’d actually ever listen to,but it’s great to pull out one night whiledrinking with friends to play for a fewminutes and laugh at the song titles.–Ben Snakepit (Deathvomit)

BRACKET: Requiem: CDI have to confess that this record is oneof the most novel concepts that I’veseen in a while. No real titles to thesongs here; instead we have “Warren’sSong Pt. 16, Pt. 19, 14, 24, 11, 23, 17,26, 18, 12, 21, 20, 10, 25, 15, 22, and13.” As a result, there is a distinct lackof independence to these songs; on a

normal record with songs individuallytitled, each tune maintains a level ofmusical autonomy within the overallpackage, like a short story as part of ananthology. By giving every song thesame title, just variations in numbering,I was forced to listen to this as a wholerather than individual tunes specificallyordered on a record. And it worked.What we have here is a seventeen-movement rock’n’roll symphony.Musically, this is some pretty rockin’pop punk along the lines of bands thatshow up on Honest Don’s; poppy andinventive, this opus never got dull.–The Lord Kveldulfr (Takeover)

BUZZCOCKS: Flat-Pack Philosophy: CDDear Santa Claus: Look here, yousneaky old man, I dunno what you’retrying to pull here. We both know thatwhole naughty/nice list thing hasn’tworked since I was, what, four? I’vebeen tilting toward “naughty” for fartoo long to be easily swayed by mostany tactic, but blindsiding me INMARCH with a record by one of myfavorite bands of all time that can beremotely considered “good” is low,even for you, round-boy. I’d all butgiven up hope for mankind when I putthis on and WHAM, “Wish I NeverLoved You” gave me a giddy, inspiredfeeling I haven’t felt in ages from aBuzzcocks record. Thirteen more songsand eighty-seven repeated listens in atwo-day period later, I’m singing alongagain with Pete and Steve like in daysof yore, happy as a clam and feelinglike the universe has once again righteditself. Worse, I went back and listenedto the previous release and decided

THAT one was better than previouslyassessed. But, BUT I’m no dummy,Kringle. I’ve sussed your little maneu-ver—you think by giving me my mostcherished Christmas present ninemonths early, I’m gonna straighten upand fly right now and this Christmas Iwon’t dress up your reindeer like mari-achis again. You are a wicked bird,Santa Claus. Pull this stunt again and Ijust might hafta admit the error of myways, and lord knows we can’t havethat. –Jimmy Alvarado (Cooking Vinyl)

CAPTAIN CHAOS: Self-titled: CDAll the songs on this CD are true sto-ries and the liner notes tell us: “none ofthem are about God.” All right! I’m allfor the secular folk-punk. The greatestthing about this CD, which is the soloproject of a nice young man namedChris who usually plays in OperationCliff Clavin, is that it is not meant to betaken seriously. And that makes italmost lethally charming. This guywrote a whole bunch of super sweet,catchy, funny songs for a girl he likesand then got his friend, also namedChris, to put them out on a record labelwhere one hundred percent of the prof-its go to a cause of the band’s choice(in this case Midwest Pages toPrisoners). Oh yeah, and the recordlabel is in existence because Chris’sdad died and left him money and hewanted to do something to make hisdad proud. So, basically, if you don’tlike this album, you must be pure eviland probably eat tiny puppies on toastfor breakfast. –Jennifer Whiteford(The Scientist and the Duke)

CHAMBERMAIDS, THE: Self-titled: CDI think they just invented a newcrossover genre: alternative adult con-temporary. Hoo-fucking-ray. –Megan(Modern Radio)

CHAOTIC ALLIANCE: A New Breed of Terror: CDWhen they get all their ducks in arow, these guys sometimes sound likeold L.A. anarcho-punks Iconoclastwithout the nuclear war fixation, butmost times they sound like a nonde-script backyard hardcore band. A lit-tle more creativity in trying to differ-entiate themselves from the rest ofthe pack and a little less reliance onmetal trappings and they might be aband to reckon with. –JimmyAlvarado (Charged)

CHRONIC SEIZURE: Brainsick: 7”Are they copping outtakes from Markedfor Life-era Cut The Shit? Did they culltheir chops from the same school asBlood Spit Nights or Dog Soldier? Dothey ever listen to DRI’s ViolentPacification 7”? I don’t know. It soundslike they’ve tried to harness little bitsand pieces from all those bands (or pos-sibly from other second-tier bands whoare trying to sound like those bands) anddidn’t quite pull it off. With a craaaazydrawing of a skull on the cover and titleslike “No Escape” and “ViolentOpposition,” you know what bed you’regonna be sleeping in here: fast and fran-tic thrashola to be sure, appropriatelypissed. But it’s somehow missing thatlittle bit of juice that would’ve guaran-teed my attention or repeated listens.–Keith Rosson (Fashionable Idiots)

CHURCH OF THE SATURDAY SAINTS:Longboarder: 7”This shit sounds like Gainesville byway of California. It’s wonderful, grit-ty, and down to earth punk rock. I lovedthis EP from start to finish and appar-ently it was all recorded in one take.Bravo. One thing though: I really don’tget the name of the EP and I reallythink they deserve a much better bandname. If I would have seen this in therecord store, I would not have boughtit, passed it up, in fact, because of aname like that. Sounds like the name ofa horrible copycat Swedish death metalor super annoying Screeching Weaselrip-off band. –Mr. Z (Vinehell)

CHURCH, THE: Uninvited, Like the Clouds: CDThere’s a pretty standard plot thatsome TV drama series follow. And onestoryline where the female lead, con-fused and scared (usually following abreakup) finds herself alone, wet fromthe rain, and finds solace in a coffeeshop or bar. On the stage, a dimly litband plays melancholy music and sheconnects with the dark, but sensitivesinger (who she’ll usually leave to goback to the dude she was with before).This would be the band on stage.–Megan (www.thechurchband.com)

CLIT 45: 2, 4, 6, 8… We’re the Kids YouLove to Hate: CDMusically this ain’t so bad—kindaderivative but well executed post-U.K.hardcore fodder —but lyrically there’szippo to write home about, with hollowrebellion against an undefined enemybeing the order of the day. Ultimately,

there’s precious little here to differenti-ate them from thousands of other par-rot punk bands screaming about notsurrendering, fighting back and gettingdrunk, safe as any heavy metal bandand about as original and creative.Considering the label, I was kinda hop-ing for something as inspiring, or at thevery least as literate, as a YouthBrigade album. Sad to say that isn’t thecase. –Jimmy Alvarado (BYO)

CLOCKCLEANER: Nevermind: CDNoise rock in the fine tradition ofbands like Jesus Lizard and the Cows,with a moment or two of straight-ahead punk rockin’, such as on “NSA.”Not bad. –Jimmy Alvarado (Reptilian)

COMPULSIONS: Laughter from Below: CDUnsigned, the Compulsions put outlike Mick Jagger on this sincereStones-inspired six-song EP of road-house style rock. A rotating line up ofmusicians from the Patti SmithGroup, Howlin’ Wolf Band, thePissers, and more, belt out honestrock’n’roots, southern rock anddown-home blues on both the uptempo and the melancholy tunes. Tossin a little New York Dolls, Joan Jett,and even some ‘70s-style reggae forgood measure. The dearth of availableinformation leads me to believe that Imay eat my words later, but for now,this is very comfortable and homey.–Jessica T (thecompulsionsnyc.com)

COOTERS, THE: Chaos or Bust: CDYou know how when you’re riding aGreyhound, especially if it’s a really

long trip, your standards will lowerbecause you’re so bored, and you’lltalk to pretty much anyone who lookseven slightly punk? Like, some dudewith a brohawk and a pudding ring getson the bus, and maybe he has a crimsonghost patch on his jacket or something,so you let him sit next to you in hopesthat maybe he’ll offer some interestingconversation, but he actually just talksyour ear off about his job as a cableinstaller, and how if he can just comeup with a down payment he can get hisown bucket truck and start getting hiredon as an independent contractor and nothave to deal with his dickhead regionalmanger anymore; and on every otherweekend when his kid doesn’t come tovisit, he and his two cousins have apunk rock band, they do a few coverslike “Ace of Spades” and a coupleMisfits tunes and a Discharge song, butthey write their own songs too, theywrite about how the government’sfucked up and how working sucks andhow relationships suck, but they got acouple fun songs too, like—get this—they have a song about Waffle House!Man, that’s crazy, who writes a songabout Waffle House? Dude, those guysare nuts. Well anyway, this CD soundslike that guy’s band. –Ben Snakepit(Profane Existence)

COP ON FIRE/VISION OF WAR: Split: LPI love gatefold covers. They make arecord feel more important in yourhand. Like it was made that way to bet-ter protect what is inside. Also, there ismore area for artwork and such: moreto look at while you are taking a listen.

This one is no exception. The artworkis intricate but simple by being onlyblack and white. The inside artwork onthis release would have been a radposter to put up on the wall. The artist,who I can’t find a name of on thisrelease, has created an artwork that canbe described as Pushead-like. Cop OnFire hail from Spain and shows thatpunk has been established and crossinfected the entire world. They play abrand of modern day d-beat mixedwith some crust influences. Visions OfWar hail from Belgium and blast outfive tracks of punishing crust. Moremetallic on their tracks and they fea-ture dual male vocals. A great offeringfrom two bands from separate coun-tries. This is co-released with five dif-ferent labels out of Europe. So if thereis an interest, I can’t see this releasedisappearing anytime soon.–Donofthedead (Profane Existence)

CRYBABY MACARTHUR: Self-titled: 7”EPBrooklyn DIY punk in the vein ofAllergic To Bullshit and Crimpshrine.Sometimes—like this one—it’s simplyfun to hear an earnest, yet rough, bandfinding their musical legs and peelinginto the core of their artistic voices.No, it’s not the best thing I’ve heardthis month, and they’re a little deriva-tive, but they’re dripping with the juiceof possibility. Heart goes a long waywith me, and you can do much worsethan somewhat disjointed songs aboutdrinking, love gone bad, making baddecisions, bicycle rides, and coffee,sprinkled in with flashes of somethinggreater, like when someone in the band

sings, “you might be tough, but you’llnever be free” or they hit such melan-cholic harmonies. Keep an eye on ‘em.–Todd (Self-released)

CRYSTAL SKULLS: Outgoing Behavior: CDYou know, when you hear the bandname Crystal Skulls, the thoughtprocess goes something like this:Crystal Skulls = Mexican artifact =Aztecs = some seriously cool drum-ming, and maybe even a conch soloif yer lucky. At no point does “simpy,wimpy alt-pop” enter into thethought process. –Jimmy Alvarado(Suicide Squeeze)

CUDDLE MACHINES: Self-titled CDThis reminds me of Nation Of Ulysseswithout all the bullshit pseudo speakback story. It’s bass driven, angularguitar, herky jerky punk rock. Not badat all. Hope to hear more from theseguys in the future. –Greg Barbera(Cuddle Machines)

CYNICS, THE: “Buick Mackane” b/w “Born to Lose”: 7” I swear to God, The Slider is the mostoverrated T. Rex album ever (actually,every T. Rex album is pretty much themost overrated T. Rex album ever,except for the ones that are collectionsof like singles or whatever—i’veprobably got something like fifteen T.Rex albums and i can’t think of onethat i ever get a solid hankerin’ to sitdown and listen to all the way thru,other than Bolan Boogie or similaranthology [Electric Warrior includ-ed]). The Slider sleeve strikes me as

something that was already parodiedwithin the last ten years (exact dataescapes me at the moment), and was“Buick Mackane” the T. Rex songGuns-N-Roses saw fit to desecrate ontheir The Spaghetti Incident album? Inever liked that song much to beginwith; i like it even less now that i real-ize it’s Kind Of Metal. The b-side is atotally rippin’ Heartbreakers cover;ordinarily i’d bitch about the lack ofimagination evinced by yet anotherHeartbreakers cover (as if i’m one totalk), but it nicely cleans up the messleft by the a-side, so i guess it’s fifty-fifty all around. BEST SONG:…where i come from, it’s “Born toLose” BEST SONG TITLE: …whereyou come from it’s “Born…gay!”FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIAFACT: Record comes with a sheet often pre-printed jukebox tabs, with“Buick Mackane” misspelled ten dif-ferent times. –Rev. Nørb (Get Hip)

DACTYL: Self-titled: CDEPSome nice enough noise rock here—good n’ atonal with enough structure tokeep it from turning into a noisy, point-less mess. –Jimmy Alvarado(www.dactyldactyl.com)

DAN: Dan-Thology: 2 x CDHere I am thinking, “What horriblepop punk band could this be?” Also,“How could they have sixty-four songson a double CD and justify a discogra-phy?” The name of the band does notimply what is in store. With dread, Iput disc one in the player and startreading the CD booklet. Strange. Ilearn this band was around from

1983–1988 in the U.K. I was aroundthen. Maybe I was too drunk to notice,and I was listening to a lot of thrash,crossover, and speed metal at the time.But I know if I had heard it, I would beall over this band. From the liner notes,the band had gigged around with anar-cho bands at the time like Conflict,Anti Sect, and Amebix but really wasmore melodic than their contempo-raries. They sound to me a heavierRezillos meets a more melodic andmusically more interesting ViceSquad. There are hints of sounding likeCrass too, but with more fun. Thefemale vocals are the ringer here forme. With the constant cycle of mem-bers entering and leaving, they have ahuge list of people who were in theband. I almost put this back so some-one else could have reviewed it. Thatwould have been a big mistake.–Donofthedead (Boss Tuneage)

DARK SKIES: Self-titled: CDPost-MC5 rock/punk that soundslike the BellRays with Kerry fromLove Canal on vocals. –JimmyAlvarado (Empty)

DARLINGTON: Sex: CDAmiable pop punk in all its non-threat-ening, post-Queers glory. I’m startingto think these guys were only good forone inspired album, and this ain’t it.–Jimmy Alvarado (Fastmusic)

DEAD BROTHERS, THE:Wunderkammer: CDKiller, atmospheric, mutant, NOLA jazzthat would have served perfectly as thebackwoods soundtrack to one of Jim

Jarmusch’s old movies. There’s also anod to the feel of the Paris neighborhood,Montmartre, in the music. You can almosthear the romantic sounds of glasses clink-ing absinthe in the background. The DeadBrothers have hillbilly hearts, ringmas-ters’ senses of circus spectacle, foreignlanguage skills, and an unusual array ofinstruments (trombone, tuba, accordion,lap steel, kalimba, tabla…huh?) that elic-it the urge to drink in a seedy French divebar bathed in red light and prostitutes.–Josh Benke (Voodoo Rhythm)

DEEMED USELESS: Self-titled: CD-RWhat are the odds of all of the songs ona pop punk demo breaking the three-minute mark? Seriously, one is a mind-crushing 4:49. That would be“Sweetheart,” which spends a full thir-ty-five seconds showing off DeemedUseless’ harmonizing skills acapella.No surprise then that the “punk” part ofthe equation goes in quotation marks,because this is total pop, and not thegood kind. The singer sounds a lot likeMilo Aukerman on “Donkey Show,”but after that it’s all harmonies andemotional choruses and a friggin’POWER BALLAD. Also, the lead gui-tarist is clearly a frustrated metal shred-der stuck in an emo-pop gig. –AnthonyBartkewicz (www.myspace.com/ deemeduseless.inc)

DESOLATE VOID: Self-Medicated Psychotherapy: CDEssentially stoner metal with growlyvocals. This is pretty good for what it is,but that’s about as far as I’m willing tocommit. –Jimmy Alvarado (CrimesAgainst Humanity)

DESTROYED, THE: Russian Roulette: CDEPI’m not from the East Coast, so it tookme a while to figure out what was real-ly going on here. It also took a few lis-tens to get it. Bostonians may remem-ber. ‘77 to ‘79, there was a band calledThe Destroyed. They played with TheDead Boys and The Ramones, amongothers. The drummer (Bert Switzer) andguitar/vocalist (J.D. Jackson) reformedand recorded this EP last year, afteralmost thirty years. My first reactionafter listening was to laugh. I feel a lit-tle bad about it though, because when Iget older, I only hope I am as cool asthese guys. The drums and guitars areso out of sync at times it makes mewonder if they were listening to eachother when they recorded it. After a fewlistens, the style sank in a little bit.Switzer mostly plays a series of drumrolls, and sloppily accents differentchanges in songs. Rarely will he play asteady beat. I say this not in suggestinghe isn’t proficient at his instrument, butbecause he is not a typical “punk”drummer. There is a two minute, fifty-second drum solo at the end of the CDthat Max Weinberg couldn’t touch onhis best night. It’s that his style is morelike a constant drum solo with anattempt to sync some guitar and vocalsover the top. Jackson plays simplemelodies that remind me a lot of the late‘70s Cleveland scene (Rocket FromThe Tombs or Pagans). The combo, asstrange as it seems, somehow remindsme of The Urinals with a jazz drummer.At other times, it’s just super sloppy ‘77punk. If you can get over their inabilityto play in tempo with each other, some

of the songs are actually pretty good.I’m still pretty torn on a final opinion.Is the world ready for such a crossover?–Newtim (www.thedestroyed.com)

DESTRUCTORS: Exercise the Demons of Youth: CDDESTRUCTORS: Punk Singles Collection: CDThe Destructors dealt in rudimentary,quick-paced 1-2-1-2 punk, not unlike somany other bands coming from the U.K.during the late ‘70s/early ‘80s. This isnot necessarily a bad thing, and as evi-denced by Exercise the Demons ofYouth, their debut, they were quite pro-ficient at knocking out a solid eighteentunes of the stuff (some of which,including “Northern Ripper” and“Breakdown,” were previously record-ed and released under the name TheBlanks back in 1978 or so), deliveringsome solid tracks rife with social com-mentary and serial killer stories. Itserves as a nice time capsule of thatperiod in U.K. punk when things werestill quite simple, passionate, and opento anyone with enough conviction andballs to get up on a stage and rant a bitwhile a tight band thrashed away behind‘em. The singles collection starts off inthe same vein, with their early singlescharting similar territory as Exercise,but somewhere around the middle of thedisc things start to change—more inter-esting drumming patterns emerge here,a little more guitar experimentationthere, maybe a few more slower temposand just when you think they might have“matured” in sound, WHACK, anotherthrasher. Gotta love that. –JimmyAlvarado (Captain Oi)

DIGITAL LEATHER: Simulator: 7”I’d like to think Tomata Du Plenty andGary Numan are nodding their heads“yes” and passing a flag down toDigital Leather. DL captures the ‘80scaptivation of the synthesizer andpunk ethics, cool electric sounds, andsome rocking although not as aggro asThe Screamers or as hit and miss popas Numan. Stuff like this was one of afew crossover items I would use inseventh grade to get Tiffany DuCrayto think I’m cool. She was so prettyand dressed nice in plaid. Her dad wasthe high school gym teacher and shealways wanted to run away, but essen-tially being a rich girl kept her athome. I think she only dated jocks likeTad Dominick, and, although I gotalong with both of them, I could neverreally date a girl like that. But I wouldplay this music loud around them andI swore they thought I was cool. Yearslater, she saw me with a cute girlfriendand literally said, “Wow. I alwaysthought you were square.” Now I’man adult and over being liked. Themusic is still rad. –Speedway Randy(Plastic Idol)

DRINKER’S PURGATORY: Self-titled: CDThis record is a perfect example of whypunk rock is better now, in 2006, than itever has been. People who whine thatpunk reached its peak in 1977 or 1985or 1992 or whatever bullshit year theystopped paying attention need to shutthe fuck up, because Drinker’sPurgatory are the personification ofpunk rock. Have you ever had one ofthose nights when you can’t decide if

you wanna drink a 40 with your friendsunder a bridge or hold your girlfriend’shair outta the toilet while she’s pukingbut you can’t make up your mind soyou just huff spray paint and go swim-ming instead? This record is the sound-track to nights like that. It’s an awe-some album and I give it the highestrecommendation possible! –BenSnakepit (Small Pool)

DRINKERS PURGATORY: Self-titled: CDThe music, kinda post-Leatherfacepunk, is pretty strong, but that singer isin danger of crossing the threshold intoDoc Dart annoying vocal-land.–Jimmy Alvarado (Small Pool)

DRINKERS PURGATORY: Self-Titled: CDThese Anaheim natives would be areal nice addition to Recess, Plan-it-X, or No Idea for sure. Andlook, the liner notes say “Producedand stuff by Davey Tilt.” Verynice! And I have to say, this fulllength is much better than the 7”released a year or two ago, whichis good. Let’s hope their record-ings keep up this trend and justkeep getting better and better.Rumor has it Rawl from KillerDreamer has now started playingdrums with these kids live. I haveyet to see that, but I bet it’s a wildride. –Mr. Z (Small Pool)

DRIP, THE /HEDGECREEP: Split: 7”The Drip plays standard, genericsounding punk—one song about pills,one about wanting to fuck a girl named

Annette. The Hedgecreep side was soboring my record player shut itself off.–Josh Benke (Wrecked ‘Em)

EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM: Self-titled: CDEPThis is quite a nice little package, butit’s one of those records that reallykind of defy accurate classification. Iguess I would say that it sounds likemodern radio mixed with post-punksensibility like Joy Division. And italso kinda reminds me of bands thatI’ve been hearing out of Kansas Cityover the last ten years or so—melodicand powerful, but defying the possi-bility of being pigeon-holed due toinventive composition that borders onthe experimental at times. Sorry if thisone escapes my verbal skills. I like it,anyway. –The Lord Kveldulfr(Coastal Ghost)

ERIC BLOWTORCH AND THE INFLAMMABLES/ DAN FLYNN ANDTHE INFLAMMABLES: Joyful Noise b/w White Hen Pantry: 7”The A-side claims the “dirtiest, nastiestdrum sound you’ve ever heard.” Don’tworry, it ain’t. Reggae funk backedwith a jazzy instrumental. I thinkthey’re called The Inflammablesbecause they never catch fire. –JoshBenke (Bopaganda!)

EXENE CERVENKA AND THE ORIGINALSINNERS: Sev7en: CDEverything we love about Exene—strong, clear, and all over the map. Theincredibly flexible band skillfullymixes up rockabilly, glam, blues, surf,twang, and more, supporting and com-

plementing Exene’s signature vocaleccentricities. New lineup includesSinners’ Jason Edge (guitar) and St.Louis’ 7 Shot Screamers’ Chris Powers(bass), Dan Sabella (guitar) and KevinO’Conner (drums). Toe tapping, heartwarming, and highly enjoyable.–Jessica T (Nitro)

FASCIST FASCIST: Self-titled: CDEPAssembled as a supergroup of sorts,from bands I’ve never heard before.If it helps: The Homosexuals, Attica9, Universal Order Of Armageddon,The Uniform, Double Dagger. All Ican say is that this EP is great!Eight hardcore songs sending meback to when I first heard DagNasty and Born Against! The musicis mostly straight forward hardcorewith some cool break downs. Thebest part is the vocals. The onlyway to explain would be to haveyou picture (or hear) Dave Smalleyas a girl, minus the melodies hesometimes busted into. It’s arefreshing change to the trend ofgirl singers in hardcore bands whoneed to scream and sound tough, ortry and sound like Allison Wolfe(Bratmobile). There’s nothinginherently wrong with any of that,but when every other band I heartries to have a certain sound, it’s sogreat to hear something as cool asthis. And the lyrics friggin’ rule!Songs about self hatred and hatingparties. Not taking themselves tooserious, preachy or pretentious, butthrough sarcasm and humor, throw-ing out their message. This is agreat EP. –Newtim (Reptilian)

FELLOW PROJECT: Where’s the Wire: 10”Folk punk with a political bent. Fans ofThis Bike Is A Pipe Bomb and thePlan-It-X crowd will wanna be all overthis. Earnest lyrics, solid playing, andheartfelt spirit here, but the tunes don’treally grab me. All you bike punks aregonna love it though. –Mike Frame(Make Or Break)

FEVERS, THE: “Don’t Tell Me It’sWrong” b/w “He’s in Town”: 7”Rockin’ poppy rock/punk fusion. SideA rocks the way a Phil Spector songmight, and side B is a slower song ofthe same. The cool little insert is asheet of perforated labels made espe-cially for juke box selection menus.Gotta admit... even though I don’town a juke box, that’s a pretty cleverand unique insert all the same! –Mr. Z(Get Hip)

FREE DIAMONDS: There Should Be More Dancing: CDThis sounds like the singers for theResidents hired Gang Of Four as aback-up band. It’s dance-y, it’s post-punky and the vocals are just a tadannoying. –Mr. Z (Deep Elm)

FREEZE, THE: I Hate Tourists: 7”I have never seen the actual 7” before.But here is an official repress right inmy hands. I had to take a look at theFlex book for a little information; thecover is a correct reproduction. Insideis a new, updated cover for this press-ing. It was originally released in 1980and was before they became the pow-erhouse of a hardcore band out of the

Boston scene. Start with the This IsBoston, Not LA comp if you are lookingfor something heavier. The first track,“Don’t Forget Me Tommy,” is a newwave track that is pretty good with itsalmost cheap Casio keyboard sound. “IHate Tourists” is garagey, three-chordpunk with barely any distortion thatdefined the early sound of punk. Ibelieve this is a one-time pressing. Sogo out and hear some history withoutpaying collector nerd prices.–Donofthedead (Schizophrenic)

FT (THE SHADOW GOVERNMENT): Guns of August: CDElectronic skronk with an interest inpolitics, it appears. –Jimmy Alvarado(Address completely illegible, whichis what happens when you use avoca-do green text on a split pea soupgreen background)

FUMESTONES: Now at the…Minibar!!: 7” EP…copyright lawyers are apparently notworking much overtime in Espana, asthe title track’s melody swipes heavilyfrom Elvis’ “Burning Love,” whilst“Pamplona” borrows brazenly fromsome semi-famous ‘60s punk nuggetwhich i can hum but not readily identi-fy. Nice ‘60s garage with plenty ofFarfisa; the best song (“Minibar”) isalso the most Smugglers-ish, so per-haps that might be written down some-where if the band is taking notes rightnow. If this band was playing at thelocal swillery, i’d almost certainly stay‘til the end; this record seems okay inthe context of a souvenir from the liveshow, but if there is a compelling rea-

son to purchase it over others of its ilk iremain unaware of it. BEST SONG:“Minibar” BEST OR AT LEASTMOST INTERESTING SONG TITLE:“A Blind’s Nun Thoughts” FANTAS-TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Onephoto of the dude on the back clearlyshows a New York Yankees logohalfway Photoshopped out. Dudes, thisis no time for half-measures! –Rev.Nørb (Kuriosa)

FUNERAL DRESS: Come on Follow: CDI thoroughly enjoyed this CD. Thesongs are good—they have goodrhythms, good riffs, and catchy chorus-es you can sing along to. The vocals gofrom the raw and gritty, deep, oi growlto a higher-pitched, accented, weasel-like sound similar to Stiff Little Fingersand Cock Sparrer. It kind of makes methink of a lot of testosterone, perhaps anoverload of testosterone, but hey, I stilllike it despite my female make-up. Iimagine lots of drunken dudes singingarm and arm with drinks in hand and atinge of homoeroticism. This Belgianband put out a fun record. I dig it.–Jenny Moncayo (Step 1 Music)

GHOST MICE: Europe: CDI’m a sucker for concept albums (herethe concept is their trip to Europe—hence the album title—and is dividedgeographically). I’m also a sucker forextras (and when I switched this frommy headphones to my laptop, I foundout just how many extras there were.It’s a lot). And, I’m also a sucker forGhost Mice who give me the impres-sion of a bunch of honest, not-so-youngkids who like to play folk. So, as you

can probably guess, I’m a bit of a suck-er for this album. –Megan (Plan-it-x)

GORILLA ANGREB: Beder Tider: 12” EPI know I’m repeating a little, but heregoes. Imagine that X, instead of playingthe punk rock retirement plan via theHouse of Blues circuit, actually stucktheir neck out to write some new songs(what has it been? Twenty years?).Instead of laurels to be rested upon, aDanish punk band, chock full of ex-hardcore players (from Amdi PetersensArmé and No Hope For The Kids), hasrelit the torch that X now holds abovetheir heads like a soft, low-watt lightbulb halo. Gorilla Angreb is using thatinitial flame—the one set by “We’reDesperate” and “Electrify Me” (ThePlugz, who you should really check outif you haven’t already). Instead of light-ing votive candles respectfully memori-alizing the past, Gorilla Angreb has lit afuneral pyre. It’s this crackling, aching,dancing flame in the new century, thiskick in the snacks that makes GorillaAngreb exciting. If you’re a fan ofcatchy, whip-cracking punk rock,stripped down to dueling male andfemale voices and hit-hard instruments,this is the way to go. And it’s on myfavorite format: wide-grooved 45 rpm12” EP. Find. –Todd (Kick’n’Punch)

GRABASS CHARLESTONS: When the Funk Hits the Fan: 7”EPIn my mind, the Grabass Charelstonshave reached the level of Rocket FromThe Crypt, Tiltwheel, or Fugazi. I’mwilling to follow ‘em to places I proba-bly wouldn’t go by myself and I findmyself being constantly rewarded by

the journey. Ragin’ full-on punk, thisisn’t, but how can one discount heart-felt, original music made by solid golddudes? Grabass fights and fights; theyknow the score often before lacing up,gets their asses handed to them on occa-sion, and they dust off, and come backwith secret hooks and crooked smiles.It’s this scrappy, for-the-music qualitythat makes me, less and less, able to cri-tique their songs and just let them soakin, note by note—like every other songthey’ve ever written, it seems—and letthem reveal themselves on their owntime, play by play. It’s been severalyears since I was first exposed to themon their split LP with Billy ReesePeters, and since I haven’t tired of lis-tening to them yet, I doubt I ever will,and that’s a monolith of a recommenda-tion. This batch of four (one’s a GuidedBy Voices cover) is full of destructivefeelings—somehow making suicide notseem so bad and dark—brightly played.–Todd (Barracuda Sound)

GRAVES AT SEA/ASUNDER: Split: CDIf you have any depressive mood orsuicidal feelings on the horizon, andthis should be passed. Graves At Seatake a super bongload and recreate theSabbath lick with sheer despair. Heavyriffs that sludge along but bite hardattack your aural senses, like smokingtoo much pot and over-focusing onevery aspect of a song. If I was stoned,this would creep me out with the witch-craft screeching vocals mixed with thegrowl of doom. They unleash twosongs that clock over twenty minutes.Asunder is another story. I saw themlast summer, and that was an out of

body experience. They played in thedark by candlelight and played barelyfour songs in less than an hour. Theroom was maybe 20’x20’ and, due tothe season and no air conditioning, itwas blistering hot and humid. Theirbrand of super slow, sludgecore, orwhatever you call this type of music,was a strange episode. With the envi-ronment and their music, they made mefeel like I was hallucinating and expe-riencing something unique that I havenot felt before. I was exhausted anddehydrated after their set and I wascompletely sober and drinking waterthe whole time. Strange. Here, theyexpose to the world an eighteen-minute-plus montage of pure, thickmolasses. The sounds that come out ofthe speakers coat the room withcharred smoke and make it almostinhabitable. If this sounds appealing,these are two bands that can take thehappiness out of any room.–Donofthedead (Life Is Abuse)

GUMBABIES, THE: Another Ragged Army: CDEPHave I ever mentioned that I have athing for German bands? I’m not surewhat it is, but chances are that if it’sfrom Deutschland I’m gonna like it.Spermbirds, Wizo, But Alive… Love‘em all. Well, it looks like I’m addinganother one to my list. The Gumbabiesare not only German (but sing inEnglish), but the singer sounds likeDuane Peters! Wooooo, as if therecould be anything better than a GermanUS Bombs (DE Bombs?). –Ty Stranglehold (Caustic Rock)

HATEFUL: Diamond Among the Coal: CDThe opening chords sound exactly likethe main riff of Hanoi Rocks’s“Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” butthat’s where the similarities end. In all,this is an entertaining volume of some-times anthemic punk rock in the vein ofthe lesser-talented bands of the ‘77British invasion. That’s not to say thatthis sucks musically, though; all thatmeans is that this is more in line withbands like Angelic Upstarts or CockneyRejects than the Clash or Generation X(though there are similarities there,too). At first this seemed a bit cheesyand rehashed, but I caught myselfsinging the tunes when walking downthe street—they’re catchy songs that,while not necessarily of mind-blowinginventiveness, were certainly worth mywhile. –The Lord Kveldulfr (Rebellion)

HEADACHE: Discography: CD and BookAt first listen, I fucking hated this.Initially, the song structures had all thecohesion of a shattered windshield andI could feel my stress level rising with-in the first thirty seconds of this discbeing played. The term jarring is apt.Stuff like this, recorded, has nevertranslated well for me. Live, I’m sureI’d be wiggling one leg like crazy andtrying to figure out how the hell they’rejumping from one fucked-up time sig-nature to another, but when I was sittinghere trying to write record reviews, itjust made me want to pull my own god-damn fingernails out. Then I put it onagain, and started to notice odd littlesections (or even the occasionally com-plete song) where they just go flat-outand work the pedal down—wacky off-

time drum parts with feral wolverinescreeching over the top is replaced withsomething off of a long-forgottenstreetpunk record. And even the jarring,discordant, manic parts started to gelinto something whole. The CD comespackaged in a gorgeous book full ofliner notes, comics, lyrics and writ-ings—some of them seemingly nonsen-sical and some of them more coherentand focused. All in all, Headache’s aband that would probably floor a shit-load of people live and are well-suitedfor folks who think bands like Ruinsand Deerhoof are just the shit.–Keith Rosson (Life Is Abuse)

HEAVY BLINKERS: The Night and I are Still So Young: CDReminds me of the Carpenters and TheAssociation in all the wrong ways.–Jimmy Alvarado (Cooking Vinyl)

HERESY: 1985-’87: CDThis was originally released bySpeedstate Records out of Japan in2004. I thought it was still in print, butI could be wrong since Boss Tuneagelicensed it. Since I’m a nerd, I thoughtI would describe some of the differ-ences of each release. The cover art-work on the current release has beenreduced a bit and the photos are a hairdarker, but the song titles are larger.There is no Japanese title on the titleedge of the digipack. The photos inthe booklet seem to be darker too. Thecurrent release has extra photos notincluded in the Japanese pressingbecause they took out the Japanesetranslations of the lyrics. From thereon, it’s all the same except the matrix

number. Oh yeah, no obi. There aresupposed to be three volumes and thisis the first. This release includes thefirst demo, Never Healed flexi, twolive tracks, and the Thanks! 7”.During the time of crossover, in theU.K. there was a growing faction ofbands that were playing faster thanwhat was considered fast at the time.This band and, say, Napalm Deathwere trying to break speed records.They heavily influenced the powerviolence genre of the ‘90s. Good tosee that this release is still abovewater and available so people can dis-cover this seminal band.–Donofthedead (Boss Tuneage)

HEROINE SHEIKS: Out of Aferica: CDA bit of a shock for me ‘cause there’sa touch more “rock” in their soundhere than there was on their debut,Rape on the Installment Plan, whichwas the last o’ their releases I heard. Igotta say, though, that they are verycareful in their usage of said “rock” tocompliment a sound that remains asaddled and deranged as they, orShannon’s earlier band The Cows,have ever produced. The song dynam-ics are a lot more across the map,meaning things are considerably morevaried than a constant pummeling,although one listen to “Cock Asia”will demonstrate they can still whoopass with ease. Good, good stuff. Oh,and yeah, there’s some buglin’ onhere. –Jimmy Alvarado (Reptilian)

HINDI GUNS, THE: Patriot Act: CDEPThis was kind of weird and experimen-tal, but nothing super crazy. It starts out

somewhat pseudo jazzy, with the vocalsconsisting entirely of samples of HenryRollins and Lemmy, talking about thestate of society and modern music. Therest is similar, but with female vocals.There’s a lot of writing on the back ofthis, like “promotional fan club” this,and “found lyrics/recorded live” that, soI was a little confused as to just whatthis record is or what it’s for, but I stillliked it. Overall, this is the kind ofstrange but interesting stuff that I’dexpect Hunchback to cover. –Joe EvansIII (French Fan Club)

HOLY MOUNTAIN: Enemies: CDEPI hear Kylesa, His Hero Is Gone,Severed Head Of State, Damad,Artimus Pyle, and others. An attack tothe aural senses. The band unleashes adisturbing mass of aggressive power. Iwould be hard struck to see if anyonewho enjoys any type of heavy musicnot be moved by this band. They areowners of their craft and perform itwith expertise. The vocals are guttural,but phonetic enough that actual wordscan be heard. They are executed withan emotion of pure anger. The lyricsare intelligent and very thought pro-voking. –Donofthedead (No Idea)

HOPE YOU CHOKE: Self-titled: CDNo surprises here. Straight-upcrossover hardcore that tends to lean alittle on to the metal side of things, butnot in a wanky kind of way. I guess thekiller cover art depicting maggot-rid-den zombie soldiers on the marchcould have given it away. I am mostimpressed with the vocals. This type ofmusic can lead a singer to go with

either the high pitched metal whine, orthe guttural cookie monster growl. Thesinger for Hope You Choke chose nei-ther, opting for the angry yet clearhardcore voice with plenty of gangvocals. Agnostic Front comes to mind.This is a must for fans of early-mid eraSuicidal Tendencies and DRI. –TyStranglehold (One Percent)

HORROR, THE: The Fear, the Terror, the Horror: CDThis post-Voorhees thrash monsteragain delivers the goods, with eigh-teen tracks racing by in just undertwenty-two minutes like the EnergizerBunny hyped up on cocaine and meth.Although the hyperspeed stuff inflictssome serious damage, the full-onpiledriver knockout moves comewhen they ease up on the velocity abit, move into slow burn, and justpummel the senses, like on “Coal NotDole.” The Thatcher and Reagan ref-erences are a bit dated, especially see-ing this stuff is brand spankin’ new,but on the whole they got it goin’ on,baby doll. –Jimmy Alvarado (www.chainsawsafetyrecords.com)

HUDSON FALCONS: La Familglia: CDThe theme of this album is family, asthe inside liner notes talk about thelove the guys have for their blood andextended family. The lyrics seem tochronicle a life’s journey and a life’stroubles. The vocals sound like theywere recorded with friends in a base-ment with the singer wasted—thevocals sound strained and sort of wob-bly, like the guy is trying to sing andsimultaneously keep his balance so he

doesn’t fall over and puke. This has thepotential to be a good drinking album,but even more potential to be an albumyou listen to after drinking way toomuch and sobbing about your sorrows.–Jenny Moncayo (Street Anthem)

HYDEOUTS, THE: Self-titled: 7”There’s a definite Buzzcocks influencehere. It’s not subtle, either. Whetherthat would be a turn on for you or not,these songs are really rockin’. Straight-forward, lo-fi garage punk reminiscentof The Reds and the FM Knives. Thesesongs are catchy and filled with hooksthat got my head bobbing all over theplace. The 7” was way too short for myliking though. I must have already got-ten up twenty times already to flip therecord. This is a very strong release,definitely worth checking out.–Newtim (Black Lung)

IMPERIAL LEATHER: Something Out of Nothing: CDA bunch of Swedes and a Brooklyntransplant compromise the nucleus ofthis band with dual male/female vocalson top of a U.K. ‘82 vibe via the Punk& Disorderly comp series. Somethingabout Sweden really produces tightbands. This is no exception. The songsare tight and rocking—songs that youwould expect from bands that havebeen around a long time—but theexperience comes from playing in somany other bands in the past. Theirsongs are melodic yet raw, giving thema live feel. The guitar sound is crunchyand bright, giving the songs a punch.The drum sound is very big and loud,giving the songs a bold attack. Can’t

wait to see them when they tour thewest coast this summer.–Donofthedead (Profane Existence)

INCONTROLLADOS: Hvem Vil Det Gavne?: 7”I’m wondering if this is a repress.Originally, it came out in 2002 (when Iwas trying to do a little research). Thisband sounds like they could have easi-ly been on one of the early MysticRecords comps. They are low-fi in thesense that they play really early ‘80spunk with a recording that sounds likeit was recorded at the most on a fourtrack. The guitar sound has no distor-tion and is real bright like a lot ofrecordings from that time period. Basicthree chord, 4/4 punk rock that is real-ly enjoyable because of its simplicityand low production. There is one songthat supposedly has one member’smother singing on it. That is prettyfucking cool and one of my favoritetracks. –Donofthedead (Kick n’ Punch)

INSTANT ASSHOLE: Straight Edge Failure: CDBay area band that features John theBaker, the proprietor of Burnt Ramen,and Bill Asshole, who also drums forStrung Up. Straight-forward punk thatgives me the same feeling of listeningto the Dead Kennedys but more hard-core. The songs are raw and could haveeasily been on the Not So Quiet on theWestern Front comp. The songs soundlike they were plucked right out of the‘83-’84 Bay Area scene. The songs areshort and to the point and they don’teven touch the two-minute mark. Theseventeen tracks on this disc flew by

so fast, I barely noticed what happened.This is no fastcore, thrash-a-thon. Inthis day and age, this would be consid-ered mid-tempo to fast. Straight musicwith no filler. Fun stuff.–Donofthedead (Tankcrimes)

KABUKI THUNDER: Go to Hell: 7”In a club that still allows smoking, saw-dust on the floor, and down in a base-ment in some metropolitan city, youwalk in to a smell of stale beer anddried vomit. This band will come onand play MC5-meets-the-Stooges styleDetroit rock that can also be describedas sounding a little like the Antiseen.–Donofthedead (Kabuki Thunder)

KAKISTOCRACY: Self-titled: LPIt has been a while since I heard some-thing from this band. The last thing wasthe And So You Spill Your Children’sBlood... 7” that was released on Ponk111 and a couple of other labels. Ibelieve it was released late 2000 or2001. The band seems to have growngreatly. The musicianship and writingare much more complicated and theyhave gained a conscious control oftheir aggression. With the integrationof more guitar harmonies, they haveadded texture and layers to their music.The songs are intricate enough to keepthis listener attentive and not in a stateof monotony. They continue on withtheir brand of anarcho/crust that isfierce and dark. The metallic riffing iswhat makes the music come outscreaming. Loud guitars and precisedrumming makes this all come togeth-er with lyrics that are intelligent, yetpoetic in their delivery. I enjoyed this

one from start to finish and have lis-tened to it more than a few times.–Donofthedead (Profane Existence)

KID ON ESCALATOR: Everything I’ve Got That They’ve Put Out: CD-RI like it when, after a night of partying,my friends and I go back to someone’shouse and a guitar gets pulled out. First,they start playing songs we all know.But as the night (or more likely, morn-ing) goes on, it starts to go into songsabout what just happened five minutesago, songs about what’s happening atthat moment, or songs about storiesmade up of a bunch of in jokes tiedtogether. This is probably one of myfavorite things in the world, but I haveno desire to hear anything recorded of anight like that, especially when I don’tknow the people involved. And, I reallywanted to like it as it came in a sten-ciled cardboard cut-out sleeve. –Megan(This Could Work)

KIDNAPPERS: Neon Signs: CDImagine that Henry Fiat’s Open Sorewent on tour with Randy. One night,they decide to switch up members. It’sbeen a long tour, and they’re not reallyused to playing together, so it’s not asfast, not as crazy, but still really, reallyfucking good. I’ll be surprised if thisdoesn’t make my top ten for 2006.–Megan (Rip Off)

KIDS OF CARNAGE: ‘05 Demo: CD-RLet it be documented: I’m a fucking nerd.Here’s how much of a nerd I’m capableof being: every great once in a while, I’llpull out an old back issue of MRR orHeartattack and check out the demo sec-

tions. I find it absolutely fascinating read-ing which bands gets shitcanned or rippedon over their demos, but manage to stickwith it and eventually put out actualrecords that a lot of people wind up lis-tening to. I’ve read enough back issues ofsaid zines to know that just because youget tapped in a demo review, it doesn’treally mean shit—at least a third ofdemo-smashed bands, seems like, windup putting out a “legitimate” release that’sgenerally a lot better. That said, Kids OfCarnage, take whatever I have to say witha grain of salt: don’t let it dash out yourhopes on the water-worn cliffs of futilityor whatever. It’s called a demo, and that’sexactly what it is. So. The front and backcovers are pieces of paper glued oversome cardstock cover of some other CDpromo single. The CD-R face has Sharpiewritten on it. Six songs—they manage tomix up the tempos a bit here and there,but it’s still something that I swear I’veheard before. Many times. Sometimes it’splodding, sometimes it’s fast, sometimesthere’s a little metal in the frying pan,sometimes there’s a chugga chugga partor a pick scream. Can’t say I’ll be playingthis thing very often once this review isdone, but they might wind up surprisingme and coming out with somethingdecent in the future. –Keith Rosson (KidsOf Carnage)

KILLING MOON, THE: A Message Through Your Teeth: CDOh, for SHAME! How dare you pro-fane the name of a perfectly good EchoAnd The Bunnymen song with suchpaltry emo piffle! A pox—nay, a plagueon all your houses! Fuckin’ heathens.–Jimmy Alvarado (Fearless)

KRUM BUMS: The Sound: CDSolid, energetic punk/hardcore, with aslight melodic undercurrent. No highs,but definitely no lows either. Vocalssound very similar to Articles Of Faithera Vic Bondi. I’m hearing somemelodic Avail-influenced guitar andbacking vocals in there as well.Overall, it’s good as it stands. In time,I think this band has potential toprogress to something great. –AynImperato (TSOR)

LA PESTE: Better Off La Peste: CD…i actually never really thought“Better Off Dead” was all that hot shit;the lyrics are flat out stupid (“that girl’sonly thirteen, she ain’t nevergiven/givin’ head!”), and they’re sungin this sort of affected, pretentious,echoey art-poet tone—it just didn’tMOVE me. A couple songs into thisprimarily loft-tape retrospective, and irealized i was Wrong As Heck aboutthis band—a good chunk of this ‘70sexpose IS all that hot shit, and engag-ing as all get-out (i may have that back-wards, but you’ve got the general toneof my vector). You can tell that thisstuff directly precursed (if that’s even aword) bands like Mission Of Burma,but it’s also apparent that this stuff ispunk with a capital UNK. If you, likeme, have grown steadily less interestedin obtaining posthumous retrospectivesof “great, lost” punk bands with mini-mal studio recordings to their credit, isuggest for your own personal safetyyou rethink your life utterly and claspthis disc to your heaving bosom.CLASP IT I SAY!!! BEST SONG:“Kindness Invites Abuse” BEST

SONG TITLE: “Kindness InvitesAbuse” MOST VIVID TRUISMGLEANED FROM LYRICS ORSONG TITLE: “Kindness InvitesAbuse” FANTASTIC AMAZINGTRIVIA FACT: “Kindness InvitesAbuse” Also, did Gang Green evercover “Spymaster?” I think they did iton that live 10”, but i can’t remembernow. –Rev. Nørb (Dionysus)

LADIES, THE: They Mean Us: CDSorry, Ladies. One of my most gigan-tic pet peeves is bands whose namesmake it sound like they are girls but—surprise—they’re dudes. So you canblame this crap review on that if youlike, but honestly, your album justisn’t very good. All those weird, all-over-the-place tracks with seizure-inducing drums and whiny vocals justend up being really boring. Is yourname supposed to be a joke? I get thefeeling that it is. Maybe you think youseem kind of sensitive and wimpy andtherefore you are lady-like. Really,most of the lady bands I listen to areway tougher than this. You guys?Ladies? You should be so lucky.–Jennifer Whiteford (TemporaryResidence Limited)

LAFCADIO: Sham Duvet: CDThis Indianapolis-based noise metalband delivers their nine-song debutwith a schizophrenic energy reminis-cent of Mr. Bungle mixed withDeftones, Faith No More (or anythingMike Patton’s had his hands in), DonCaballero, and your average noiseband. There’s a definite prog edge tothe music with vocals that range from

hardcore screaming to singing andmetal growling to spoken word. Ofcourse, to add to its immensity, ShamDuvet is a concept album and the lyricsread just like the chapters to a book,laying out the tale of the protagonist,the aptly named Sham Duvet. As theirwebsite says, he “is a neurotic/prophet-ic figure with a messiah complex.”This whole thing wasn’t entirely up myalley but it’s got great production andis pulled off well and has a lot of inten-sity and quality musicianship. Fans ofthe genre would do well to check thisout. –Kurt Morris (Joyful Noise)

LAWRENCE ARMS, THE: Oh! Calcutta!: CDIt’s been a good four years since I real-ly listened to any output from thisband. It was the Apathy & ExhaustionLP and I remember liking it enough tokeep it. Doing a little research, since itseemed odd that I haven’t heard any-thing in four years, they did releasesomething a couple of years ago. Thisband seems to have matured greatly.The songs and the tones coming fromtheir instruments have a deeper emo-tion to them. The time that they havenow been together has really madethem into one cohesive unit. I’m not anAgainst Me! fan, but that is what itsounds like to me but mixed with a lit-tle Hot Water Music and adding a moremelodic touch to the songs. The deliv-ery is strong, and I can feel the convic-tion of the band. Looking at the linernotes, they recorded the songs on ana-log. I thought that the songs hadstronger tone than what usually comesout of the studios that are recorded on

the computer with ProTools. The basstones are warmer and the highs are lessharsh. Also, if you have recorded inanalog, you know you have to be dead-on when recording. There is less roomfor error. So these guys were wellrehearsed when they went in to record.It shows. They may not be one of thelarger bands of the genre, but they aredefinitely one of the better ones.–Donofthedead (Fat)

LAWRENCE ARMS, THE: Oh! Calcutta!: CDSomehow, this is my first time hearingthe Lawrence Arms. Their name wasalways bundled with Jawbreaker (as in“they sound like…”), and none of thosebands that were supposed to sound likeJawbreaker ever really delivered. (Youheard me.) So the Arms stayed undermy radar and I can’t put Oh! Calcutta!in context with however many previousrecords they have. [Dramatic pause.]But this one is good! WhileJawbreaker’s songs belied its mem-bers’ youth, the Arms still have a dis-tinct feeling of “excited kids.” Evenwith most of the lyrics sticking to bum-mer territory, there’s an audible joy tobe playing fast and yelling. WARN-ING: This next part of the review con-tains a SPOILER regarding the album’sSECRET TRACK. The Arms do coun-try-rock, a catchy disillusionment/oh-yeah-that’s-why punk anthem thatsounds as genuine as any other decentalt-country act. But those bands proba-bly don’t write songs about punk rockor reference His Hero Is Gone in theirlyrics. I’m seriously impressed.–Anthony Bartkewicz (Fat)

LEFT FOR DEAD: Live: LPI’m not a real big fan of live records,but this one sounds real good. Theband was originally around in the ‘90s,based out of the Toronto area. Thegroup disbanded and went on to otherbands like Ruination, Haymaker,Cursed, and Chokehold. They got backtogether in 2004 to do a benefit. Seeingthe opportunity, the event was record-ed. Since I have no history of everhearing this band before, this was agood introduction. Guessing from thetime period, this type of hardcore punkwas not prevalent around the world.There was a big ska, pop punk, andemo boom going on at the time. So aband like this would most likely beshort lived due to the small supportgroup at the time. But I don’t know thereason on their breakup. I do know thatthis record shows that I really missedsomething. The band was one meanmother to reckon with. The songs arefast and heavy, with vocals screamedat damaging levels. If you have heardthe output of the bands they went onto, you can hear what they carried withthem. –Donofthedead (Deranged)

LEMURIA/FRAME: Split: 7”Lemuria sounds eerily like HalfFiction-era Discount—the woman’svoice is dead-on. I have no idea ifthat’s what they were shooting for, butthat’s what I’m hearing, right down tothe slightly off pop structures and lilt-ing vocal rhythms. It’s good stuff forsure. But then I flip the record and I’mtotally confused. What the hell hap-pened to Frame? I really thought theywere onto something on their recent

split 7” with Karate For Kids. On thatrecord, they seemed poised right on yeolde precipice between “good pop punk”and “really good pop punk,” but theirtwo songs on this record sound like agodawful mix of Amber Inn and, ugh,Promise Ring or something. It makes myskin crawl and sounds like a watered-down soundtrack for an art film, like ifemo came in Budweiser cans. Guys,what happened? –Keith Rosson (Salinas/Art Of The Underground)

(LONE) WOLF & CUB: May You Only See Sky: CDEPMetal can get too serious at times: eitherwith the costumes some bands wear orjust the content of the lyrics. Here is aband that the music sounds serious andis tough as nails, but they have a sense ofhumor. Titles like “I Swear I’ve Been toThis AutoZone Before” and “If I Were aSnake I’d Be a Belt Now.” That is funnyto me. By looking at the titles alone, Ithought this band was going to be poppunk or something else that would besilly. But what came through the speak-ers was some heavy shit: heavy BlackSabbath riffage mixed together withsome up-tempo poundage. There arealso points that remind me of IronMaiden with the dual guitar attack. Addthose ingredients with some black metaland the description might be close. Nowbang thy head. –Donofthedead(HeWhoCorrupts)

LOVE EQUALS DEATH: Night Merica: CDI think anyone starting a band like thisneeds to start asking themselves somereal serious questions. Does the world

need another AFI? How about anotherFallout Boy? Well, if those two bandsare on a list of your favorites, shouldyou be allowed to play music? Yourintentions couldn’t be any more obvi-ous. Hurry up and get on to MTV andstop trying to push this shit sound tothe underground. –Newtim (Fat)

LOVED ONES, THE: Keep Your Heart: CDMade up of former members of KidDynamite, Paint It Black, and TheCurse, this is fairly different from themembers’ former acts and instead istypical Fat Wreck Chords fare: well-produced, clean, poppy, catchy andfor outsiders like me it’s reminiscentof other material on the label(Lawrence Arms) although huge fansof the genre will most likely disagree(hey, if you can find discrepanciesbetween most pop punk acts, morepower to you). This is the kind ofstuff my neighbors in grad school lis-tened to and thought they were all“punk” and “different” not realizingthat this is really tame. But if you’relooking for a guilty pop punk indul-gence with an East Coast flavor, TheLoved Ones aren’t too bad. –KurtMorris (Fat)

LOVED ONES, THE: Keep Your Heart: CDPart of the new breed on Fat, thisband is no newcomer. Featuring for-mer members of Kid Dynamite andthe Curse, this is no high schoolgarage band. At the moment, this is alittle too slick for me. The songs arecatchy, well recorded, and have drive.

This could be on a major label. Theproduction is that good. I would prob-ably have a different opinion if I hadseen the band live first.–Donofthedead (Fat)

LUXURY PUSHERS: Quitter’s Holiday: CDThis is coming from a few weirddirections at once: ‘90s grunge pop,Boston-y sing-along street punk, and alittle bit of Turbonegro’s purposelyobvious hard rock like on their lastrecord. Oh yeah, and Mike Ness’ scab-pickin’ lyrics about “[having] nothin’”and “Bruises to Prove It” and shit likethat. Points added for titling a songand penning a chorus based on a linefrom Ned Flanders’ dad: “We’ve triednothin’…and we’re all out of ideas!”and then immediately deducted formaking it not funny. –AnthonyBartkewicz (Ready-Wear Ltd., www.luxurypushers.com)

M.O.T.O.: El Stop b/w She’s Gone Nuts: 7”What do the Seeds, Dr. Demento, RokyErickson, hoboes, and the Beach Boyshave in common? How the fuck shouldI know, but I bet Paul Caporino does.How can songs be so instantly catchy,crackle-poppy, infinitely weird, yetsingable and raw; like if the Beatlesnever made enough money to pay theirmortgages, but just kept plugging awayin near-obscurity and sung about theirsex drives blatantly? How the fuckshould I know, but Paul Caporino, themastermind of this twenty plus year-long outfit, does. Almost too good. Wellworth picking up. –Todd (Baby Killer)

MAD SIN: Dead Moon’s Calling: CDI’m EXTREMELY picky about thepsychobilly stuff I listen to and,frankly, this ain’t something I’d listento ever again. What’s on here soundslike your average modern day corpo-rate punk band with a stand-up bassand lyrics trying desperately to be edgybut only end up sounding lame.–Jimmy Alvarado (Sailor’s Grave)

MAGGOTS, THE: “Nobody Loves theHulk” b/w “Take it Off”: 7” The a-side is a lost ‘60s nugget thati’ve never actually heard, but havebeen aware of for quite some timebecause i’d seen the little text ads theband took out pimping the record inthe Marvel Comics of the day. Forwhatever reason, i always assumedthe song would be more of a noveltything (a la the Merry MarvelMarching Society theme song) (facefront!); it’s actually a lot more psyche-delic/ Electric Prunes-y than i imag-ined—lotsa minor chords and organ.The b-side is a Peter Gunn-styled frat-rocker, with “Take It Off” the soleconcession to verbiage. I think theonly abiding reason for you to get thisrecord is if you’re a big comic booknerd and don’t (or, come to think of it,do) own the original, as the sleeveseems to faithfully emulate the RealDeal. Sheesh! BEST SONG: “Take ItOff” BEST SONG TITLE: “NobodyLoves the Hulk!” FANTASTICAMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Ongamma-ray green vinyl, so you gottawonder if the first one was one grey.–Rev. Nørb (Bootleg Booze)

MANGINA: 7”Hilarious packaging: they’ve reprintedentries of a ton of shows they played;the majority of ‘em seem to end withsomeone getting pieces of glass in theirback, someone getting attacked by apit bull, or someone getting threatenedwith a gun. Grow ‘em wild inAlabama, they do. Also comes with atwo-track CD-R that’s spray paintedorange. I hate that I’ve reviewed some-thing in the past two issues where Icompare the vocalist to the dude fromContra, even though each band hasmusically and aesthetically soundednothing like them, and here I am doingit again: this guy sounds a lot like thedude from Contra. Or maybe a slight-ly-less crazed Combat WoundedVeteran. The music follows suit:Combat Wounded Veteran simplifiedand slowed down just a tad. Thevinyl’s white and someone wrote“Mangina” in brown marker over oneside. I have no idea what they’resinging about, since they includedthree inserts and no lyrics, but one canonly assume a song called “RobHalford May Be Gay (But You’re aFucking Faggot)” is either a spiritedanthem regarding homosexuality, orit’s meant to piss people off. Eitherway, I was down with the DIY packag-ing but the actual music struck me as abit dull. If their show excerpts are anyindication, the live show’s where it’s atfor this band anyway. –Keith Rosson(Jeth-Row)

MARITIME: We, the Vehicles: CDSometimes I can’t help but wonder whatanyone else reviewing some of the stuff

I get would say about it. Or perhaps theeditors just send me this stuff becausethey know it’s more up my alley thansay, something from some crust or ‘77punk band. Looking at the type of bandswe interview here (most of whom arevery cool, by the way), I just wonderwhat some of these record labels arethinking sending their CDs to us. Maybethey’re hoping it gets to me since I’mprobably the only person here whomight cut it some slack. Maybe not. Idon’t know. What I do know is thatMaritime is the project of one half ofPromise Ring and one member from TheDismemberment Plan. Based on that,one might expect sissy music. And onewould be right. This is a light-heartedaffair with soft, lisped vocals courtesy ofDavey von Bohlen and gentle pop musicusually accompanied by soothing guitarsand the occasional keys. The drummingis consistently steady and the bass isalmost non-existent, but in the end thesongs are what they are: incrediblycatchy and delightful to listen to. Youmay want to make fun of them at first,but after a few listens they actualizethemselves as pleasant, honest worksthat are soothing and generous in theirdelivery. –Kurt Morris (Flameshovel)

MARVEL: Unleashed: CDEPBar rock doing what bar rock does best:shitty covers that I wouldn’t want tohear wasted, let alone sober. –Megan(Black Juju, no address)

MATCHBOOK ROMANCE: Voices: CDMatchbook Romance has always beenone of those bands that I’ve alwayslumped into the emo-pop malaise that

erupted a few years ago. Never heardthem, didn’t care to hear them, anddidn’t think they were capable of any-thing worth listening to. I still haven’tlistened to their earlier works and stillprobably won’t, but Voices, their latestalbum on Epitaph, is without a doubt areally stunning piece of work. Theeleven tracks are altogether as moodyas a year in the Midwest, with darkovertones flushing out every negativeimage that might be tied into ones’environment. The artwork really setsthe tone, with an abundance of thecolor black and nefarious claymationimagery. The addition of strings,piano, and organ efficiently placedthroughout the album—as well asincredibly strong vocals—show this todefinitely be a maturing effort for theband. The strings, for example,could’ve just been thrown in as anattempt by the band to try and appearto be deep or creative, but instead, ason songs such as “Goody, Like TwoShoes” they delicately work their wayinto the root of the song. While cater-ing to those fans of Alkaline Trio andMy Chemical Romance, MatchbookRomance shows a progressiontowards its rock roots which helpssupplant themselves into being a legit-imate band and not just a flash in thepan. This may not be up the alley ofthe typical punk rock fan, but consid-ering how much of the garbage cameout of the emo scene a few years ago,this seems really promising, and espe-cially for those of us who appreciate alittle variety in our music. –KurtMorris (Epitaph)

MEMBERS: At the Chelsea Nightclub: CDMEMBERS: 1980-The Choice Is Yours: CDThe Members were one of those groupsthat kinda fell into the gray areabetween punk and what was called newwave, being a tad too gruff and “street”for the skinny tie crowd and too musi-cally sophisticated to be easily lumpedin with the great mohawked unwashed.Nonetheless, they managed some popu-larity, due in no small part to the factthat that had some really good tunesthat drew from the same influences andwere as diverse in sound as anythingThe Clash ever did—and yet soundonly remotely like them. These reissuesof their first two albums feature someof the group’s best work, from punkanthems like “Solitary Confinement,”“Sound of the Suburbs,” and “MuzakMachine” to reggae-spiked ditties like“Offshore Banking Business” (whichthe band played live in the movie Urgh,A Music War) and “Clean Men.” Ofcourse, Captain Oi has added assortedsingles tracks and alternate versions toeach reissue, including a personalfavorite, “GLC,” a punk raver thatrivals your average oi tune and was fea-tured on the Rock Against Racism compmany moons ago, and the simply marvy“Disco Oui Oui,” which is exactly whatits title implies. –Jimmy Alvarado(Captain Oi)

MIGHTY GO GO PLAYERS: 10”Noisy, arty garage punk with key-boards. This band is from France andfeatures members of the Fatals. All youfans of garage gone art punk of the last

five years: lunch is served. Funny howalmost everyone I knew followed theJay Reatard arc of how to go fromrockin’ and snotty to dark and mopey inless than five moves. This band is asgood as anyone else playing this stuffbut I will happily keep playing my ApeCity R & B, Lids, and Earaches records.Garage Punk - Art = Cool. –MikeFrame (Alien Snatch)

MILKY WIMPSHAKE: Heartshaped: LPBeautifully packaged LP from thisgreat indie/twee band. Silk-screened,three-color cover with rad, pink polkadots. Sixteen-page booklet with lyricsfor 50/50 previously released and newtunes. I remember hearing and likingthis band in the ‘90s, but I don’tremember them being this good.Amazingly strong twee pop for theK/Slampt crowd, reminiscent of thebest of the Crabs, Tullycraft, and GoSailor with a British feel. This is anextremely difficult style to play well,and there are tons of really bad bandswho try. But when it is done right, it iskiller and Milky Wimpshake nails it onevery count. That is coming fromsomeone who has loathed ninety pluspercent of all indie rock I have everheard. This fucker pops! –Mike Frame(Bitter Like The Bean)

MONROES, THE: 7”Pretty cool garage punk single. Remindsme a bit of the Prissteens, which is a verygood thing. Fans of the Downbeat 5 andThee Minks would dig this a whole lot.Straight forward and rockin’; a no frillssingle. Cool band from the Netherlands.–Mike Frame (High Maintenance)

MUGSHOTS: House of the Weirdos: CDDon’t believe the “horrorpunk” genrelabel, but do believe the inferences tothe Damned and Eddie Murphy filmsoundtracks. Heavily Euro, synth-goth,prog rock and dark wave, I can’t takeanother minute. Okay, I cave—I’llbelieve the horror bit. I just got thecreeps. And a wave of nausea. –JessicaT (Lombroso, mugshots.it)

MURDERS, THE: Gone and Forgotten: CDMale and female gutter punk vocals, ala Cause. Poppy, sloppy adolescentpunk about smoking, drinking, girlsand… that’s about it, sung with a rawscream and dreamy off-tune tones.Catchy and fun like a summer day, butjust as forgettable. “Gloria” and“Perfect Drinking Problem” are the bestand most relatable tunes with fairlyclever lyrics. Reminds me of SweetBaby James (the band, not the song). Igave up looking for them online aftermy search kept turning up a new waveduo from Idaho. The label site was use-less as well. –Jessica T (Eugene)

MURDER DISCO X: Ground Zero Stuttgart: CDLoud, angry and political hardcorecourtesy of this German band. NiceTerveet Kadet cover, too. –JimmyAlvarado (Profane Existence)

NAMES FOR GRAVES: Version 2.1: 7”Above average SXE Hardcore fromCleveland, in the vein of Champion,Carry On, Mouthpiece, and Chain OfStrength. Would be right at home inthe Bridge Nine catalog. Lyrics are

not the cliché “unity crew” or “myfriend stabbed me in the back” sort ofthing, which makes this extra special.Pretty damn good, powerful.Prohibitionist hardcore at its finest.–Ayn Imperato (Refuse)

NEW FANGS: Bayonets: CDThis album had me on the fence the firsttime through. The singer’s voice is non-descript; I couldn’t place where Ithought I’d heard the sound before. Iwas confused. My confusion becameclarity upon further listens. Prickly gui-tars, staccato minor chord picking, and abomb ass rhythm section that boltseverything into place. “We Are theCollapse” has a keyboard part that kicksyou in the back of the head when youleast expect it. Dischord could have eas-ily put this out in the early ‘90s. There’sa whole lot to like about this release, butthe tension between the rhythm sectionand the guitars lifts Bayonets from the“above average” category to “highly lis-tenable.” –Josh Benke (Chain Letter)

NEW MEXICAN DISASTER SQUAD: Don’t Believe: CDThese guys have been around for awhile but I haven’t actually heard themuntil this. Luckily, this is just what I’mlooking for right now: modernpunk/hardcore that’s fast, angry, with atouch of melody, and everything soloud that even the vocals are distorted.If you’re a fan of bands like StrikeAnywhere and Paint It Black, you’regoing to like this too. It’s the samesound, and this band’s on the same leveltoo. This isn’t anything new, but is stillreally good. –Joe Evans III (Jade Tree)

NEW THRILL PARADE: Self-titled: LPThis record has been getting a lot ofpoor (or at least confused) reviewslately and I really can’t understandwhy. Well, that’s a lie. I do understandhow someone wouldn’t quite under-stand its genius after hearing it for thefirst time. It happened to me. It is likenothing I have ever heard before, butsomething I have always subcon-sciously yearned to hear. Like NickCave’s Birthday Party on crack. Slowand hypnotizing, dark and droningbass-heavy melodies accented by jar-ring crash symbols soon lead into achaotic mess of screeching saxophoneand guitar. Demanding gloomy deepvocals quickly turn shrieking andurgent. It’s like being able to witnessthe musical equivalent of a depressedclown’s journey drifting into the frostyarms of insanity and through the dark,creepy melodies and unpredictablebreakdowns. You not only begin tounderstand why, but it begins to dragyou down as well. This is original, andtruly nothing short of amazing. Highlyrecommended. –Newtim (17Television / Mountain Landis)

NOFX: Never Trust a Hippy: CDEPNo matter how much shit people talkabout NOFX, they are still here. Fromtheir early beginnings on rip-off labelMystic, to being an integral part ofmaking Epitaph what it is today, and tocreating a label that is run with preci-sion and takes care of its bands from topto bottom. I read somewhere one oftheir records that was released onEpitaph went platinum. If you don’tknow what that means, that is one mil-

lion copies. The band gets to do some-thing they love and not have to get aREAL job. I’m envious of that. I’m notthe biggest fan, but I do like some oftheir stuff. In fact, the current stuff isthe stuff I like. I thought The Declinewas brilliant. The War on Errorism hadsome great songs on there too. So thisrelease continues on their progression.The band has a signature sound that isundeniable. But with careful listening, Ican always hear some things that soundnew to their approach. Take forinstance, “Seeing Double at the TripleRock.” It sounds like Motörhead’sinterpretation of a NOFX Song. All theother songs on this EP are consistentand easily listenable. Hats off to theseguys for pushing forward all theseyears. –Donofthedead (Fat)

NOFX: Never Trust a Hippy: CDEPHere it is, the new EP from Fat Mikeand the gang featuring two songs offtheir forth coming full length, Wolves inWolves Clothing, and four unreleasedtunes. The first song is about drinkingand partying with Paddy and the rest ofDillinger Four at the Triple Rock inMinnesota. I’ve never had the pleasureof drinking with these fine folks, butfrom what I’ve heard already, the lyricsto this song seem to fit the bill perfect-ly. The next song, “The MarxistBrothers,” is a sarcastic poke atMarxists of the new millennium withtheir hybrid cars, ebay shopping andpodcasts... pretty funny, but I wouldhave enjoyed it more if it was a newversion of their classic Moron Brotherstune with new lyrics. The third song isa well done Germs cover. The next

song, “You’re Wrong,” is a politicalsong used as Fat Mike’s soap boxminute, and it’s pretty horrible as it’sjust Fat Mike strumming his guitar andtrying to sing in tune. Great choice insigning Against Me! to Fat Wreck, butdon’t try and record an Against Me!style song just because you like howthey sound. I’m sorry but it just doesn’twork—especially when the song is twominutes long and spouts even moreone-sided rhetoric than a Propaghandialbum. The next two songs are more ofwhat you come to expect from NOFX,but nothing special. Not sure how Iliked this CD as I’d much rather be lis-tening to The Decline or So Long andThanks For All The Shoes. There’ssomething to be said when the new,unreleased Randy (the band) song“Beware,” available online right nowfor free which features Fat Mike (takingup half the lead and backing vocalduties), is better than all of the songs onthis EP. –Mr. Z (Fat Wreck)

NUMBSKULLS, THE: The Last… Vol. 1 of 3: CDAptly named band as the disc sent to medoesn’t play in my CD player. Butbeing the curious lad that I am, I foundthem on the internet and bounce fromtheir band web site to the group’sMySpace page where I got a peek at afew of their songs. So what did theysound like? Um, primitive four chordpub rock with some street punk lean-ings to it. Not great or original, butcapable and probably enjoyable livewhen your liver is oozing Pabst BlueRibbon. –Greg Barbera (www.thenumbskulls.com)

O PIONEERS!!! / SAW WHEEL: Split: CDO Pioneers!!! sound a lot like AgainstMe! and it doesn’t bug me because itseems to be coming from an honestplace. Seriously, it’s not a passingblush; from the shouted/sung vocals, tothe disco/drill sergeant drumming, tothe shimmering guitar. They couldalmost be unused demo tracks, pre AxlRose and that instant familiarity givesthe band a nice—albeit odd—comfort.Saw Wheel plot nicely in theRumbleseat, This Bike Is A Pipebomb,Plan-It-X universe: down-home, sub-dued, but fiery-eyed, calloused-hand,and real easy to listen to while you tapyour toes along to the beat. –Todd(Team Science)

OFF WITH THEIR HEADS: Hospitals: LPThis is reeaal close to being full-onawesome. It’s got that zippy, whirlwind,circular speed of Horrible Odds, that“I’ve got a mental owie, slide downyour panties” feel—but recorded somuch better—than the best four songson Jawbreaker’s Dear You, and that rustshined into a luster pop punk ofRivethead (who Zack came from). Butthere’s something in the creases thatdoesn’t quite do it for me. The rock’sslabbed on there, but the joining mater-ial feels a little clumpy, bloated, andstrained, like someone using a caulkgun for the first time sealing in a bath-tub. Off With Their Heads’ musicalbathtub doesn’t leak, it just ain’t as tightas it could be. That said, I find myselflistening to this quite a bit, so it justmay take some adjustment time. I heardthey slay live, so I’ll patiently wait forround two. –Todd (Rock Bottom)

OKAY PADDY: The Cactus Has a Point: CDReaction to opening notes: what thehell is this smarmy mess? Reaction toentire record: surprisingly good/muchbetter than expected/you dumbass, stopwith the instant judgments. This reallydid surprise me because it’s not oftenthat I come across a relatively mellow(THE word that springs to mind withevery song) rock’n’roll record that Ican’t get enough of. In a lot of ways thissounds to me, at least, like a subduedversion of The Figgs, as if they were tomake a record baked on a whole load ofweed. It’s so easy to get bored with fast-paced fury at times, and this was a wel-come change of pace for me. –The LordKveldulfr (Prison Jazz)

ONE DEAD THREE WOUNDED: Paint the Town: CDScreamo. There is a lot of yelling goin’on. –Donofthedead (1x1)

ONE REASON: Mountains: 7”Three catchy poppy, kinda emoishsongs from a place called Cleveland,Mississippi. When I wrote “emoish,” Ididn’t mean it in a Mineral or ChristieFront Drive kinda way. More of a laterDiscount mixed with Broadways kindapoppy emotional punk. Great, well-written songs. The first, “The EndNever Mattered” is my favorite, and themost catchy of the three, but after a fewlistens, I ended up liking the entire 7”quite a bit. It has a Plan-It-X feel to it,and after further reading, I found theyhave a release on Plan-It-X South.–Newtim (Salinas)

PENETRATION: Moving Targets: CDHaving previously only heard theirpunk anthem “Don’t Dictate,” thisalbum was a bit of a shock. Althoughcontemporaries of the Sex Pistols, TheClash, and all the other heroes of thefirst wave of U.K. punk, most of thesongs here are markedly mature andsophisticated in comparison to manyof their peers, with interestingrhythms and arrangements married towell-written lyrics. While it shouldn’tscare off those who like their punk alittle smarter than THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD (and yes, I have morethan a passing affinity for that brandof punk as well, so stuff your whiningmissives excoriating my supposeddismissal of punk’s more primitivepurveyors a second ago and directyour ire instead at our dickheadedPresident and criminal cohorts, yougobbing monkeys), those who needtheir noise to fit snugly into theaccepted punk pigeonhole will bepleased as punch by the inclusion ofthe aforementioned “Don’t Dictate”and “Firing Squad” singles, both ofwhich make a nice soundtrack to mad,mindless pogoin’. –Jimmy Alvarado(Captain Oi)

PHANTOM LIMBS: Random Hymns: 12”EPNoisy white vinyl 12” five-song 45here. It sounds like industrial music tome, but I know this band is beloved inthe garage gone art world. Fans of LostSounds, Butthole Surfers, and noisygrindcore will find a lot to like here.–Mike Frame (Hungry Eye)

PHARMACY, THE: Two Small Armies: 7”The kids in the pop punk outfit ThePharmacy kind of come off as sweet,like unicorns with sparkly manesand tails. What’s closer to the truth ismore like undead unicorns withrazor sharp teeth feeding on the fleshof the living, spewing out Devo-ishand Starvations-inspired pop noiselike showers of blood. Fans of theirepic live shows can now feed off ofthree killer new songs and animpressive new version of “TwoSmall Armies.” Recommended forfans of good, catchy punk and shot-gunning beers with your friends inthe back of parking lots. –ComradeBree (Don’t Stop Believin’)

PINK RAZORS: Waiting to Wash Up: CDI want to like this record more than I do,and I can’t put my finger on it. It’s gotthat fuzzy sweater on fire charm ofDead Things, the raygun happy zap-ping (but they’re really sad) ofScreeching Weasel, the watertight,seamless quality of Funeral Oration—pop punk’s the score and they’re navi-gating adeptly through a maze onwheels of prior invention—but there’ssomething… something not there forme. And it’s not a, “Oh, the productionblows,” or “That dude’s voice soundlike a twelve-year-old girl’s,” or suckin’“high school sweetheart left me,whoah, whoah” lyrics. Maybe it’s justthat it’s fifteen songs that could easilybe just one with fourteen short beaks,but that’d mean I’d have to rule out theRamones, and I’m not about to do that.

So, at this point, I’m gonna say pass,but it could easily turn into a thumbs upif that one thing clicks into place. Huh.Weird. –Todd (Robotic Empire)

POPULATION REDUCTION: At the Throats of Man Forever: CDI am guilty of buying stuff for my per-sonal collection and not making aneffort to review it in this here mag. Isaw PR back in early December of lastyear. They’re a two man grind, death,metal, punk margarita blender thattruly impressed me. Straight-up guitarand drums with dueling vocals was ahoot. Also included in the mix wastheir great sense of humor. I was sold.I bought the tour 7” and the CD and forsome reason (I think I ran out ofmoney) I didn’t buy a shirt. Got to tryand support the touring bands! Well,anyway. This is some damn good stuffif you like your cookie monster andrectum ripped screaming vocals.Drums that blast away with doublebass drums with cymbals and drumheads pounded with power and preci-sion. I witnessed it first hand and hewas barefoot too. The guitars have therequisite chunk and heavy riffage.Nothing soft here. This is coming fromtwo guys who were super nice andfriendly when I met them and theymorphed into this madness once onstage. –Donofthedead (Tankcrimes)

PROUDFLESH: Self-titled: CDI find it interesting that Sothira con-tinues to lay the mess that isIndochina solely at the feet of theWest, and says nothing about all thefun that was had there with no help

from the West whatsoever. Shit, theMaoist Khmer Rouge alone had aball in them killing fields in his nativeCambodia. How many bodies lieunder Choeung Ek and elsewhereagain? Nearly two million? Howmany ethnic Vietnamese died byCambodian hands during that period?How many Cambodians died byVietnamese hands when theVietnamese overthrew the Khmer in‘78-79? Weren’t those governmentsChinese- and Soviet-backed, respec-tively? I’m not getting all patriotic oranything, ‘cause I’m the last personwho would do that, but it seems to methere’s enough blame to go aroundand that any group with a supposedanarchist background wouldn’t hesi-tate to point fingers in all the appro-priate directions, and that doesn’tseem to be the case here. Seems a lit-tle hypocritical to be singing aboutMy Lai and not utter a peep aboutTuol Sleng, bro. Speaking ofhypocrisy, how does a former anar-cho-posterboy turned stockbroker jus-tify singing antiwar tunes? That’s likea politician singing songs against hiscorporate overseer, ain’t it? Seeing asthe market thrives on war, it wouldfollow that anyone who works in themarket profits, no matter how indi-rectly, from the misery and death ofothers, right? There’s a reason whythem towers were singled out and itwasn’t just ‘cause they were tall.Singing songs decrying your chosenrevenue source is kinda like biting thehand that pays for them bitchin’motorcycles and posh living quarters.As for the music itself, imagine

Crucifix reimagined as a Sunset Striprock band, singing love songs to “MyLai My Love.” While I imagine theirreliance on their old band’s name (andfrankly, the Jimmy Crucifix lineupwas easily the worst) will no doubtbring in the dough from non-discern-ing punter/punkers with Hot Topic-bought “Dehumanization” t-shirts, Ithink it’s safe to say that some musi-cians and their contributions are bestleft behind in the mists of the past.–Jimmy Alvarado (Wired Gnome)

PROZACS, THE: Live at CBGB: CDLike the title suggests, it is a liverecording of The Prozacs fromMassachusetts at CBGB’s. The firstsong, “Penguin Rock,” sounds like acarbon copy of Blink 182 and a tinge ofannoying Avril Lavigne. They coverScreeching Weasel songs and they havesongs about high school escapades suchas prom, cleverly titled “Prom Night.”(Quick comment: from the CD photosthey look a little too old to STILL besinging about prom and high school.Just a thought.) The Prozacs would fitnicely on the tiny side stage at WarpedTour or next to a suburban kid’s Blink182 collection, because they soundexactly the same. Too bad. I liked theirband name. I’ll just give the CD to myyounger cousin who is still in thatphase. –Jenny Moncayo (Cheapskate)

PUSH TO TALK: Self-titled: CDI’m guessing these guys spend a lot oftime at ‘80s dance clubs, but only actu-ally dance when The Cure comes on inthat so-sad-I-have-to-dance way.–Megan (Doghouse)

RADIO BEATS: Ready to Shake: CDHot fucking dawg!!! This is the kind ofblown out, scumbag rock’n’roll thatmakes me want to do back flips. So lo-fi I’d bet a grand it was recorded underwater with caveman clubs for drumsticks and dinosaur teeth for guitarpicks. Songs about takin’ chicks home,takin’ chicks to the backseat of yourcar, and chicks givin’ it up, all playedfast and dirty. Includes an AngrySamoans cover. Fuck yes. –Josh Benke(Big Neck)

RAT BYTE/CONCRETE FACELIFT: Split: 7”Concrete Facelift. Rat Byte. What acool couple names for bands. Just hear-ing their names makes me want to drinka Pepsi and go skate. C.F. actually sur-prised me with the lyrical coolness. Ifeel the exact same way! With everyone of their songs! If there was somesort of soundtrack to my life, I wouldwant to have the song “It” play everymorning as I wake up. They have a wayof describing exactly how I feel aboutcaffeine in a minute of skate thrashyhardcore. Don’t get me wrong, there’snothing new here. You’ve heard thisstuff before. Both bands play similarsimple, fast, early ‘80s skate punk: JFA,early Suicidal Tendencies, and so on. Ireally like this split though. It’s good tosee kids are still skating to good music.Or making good music to skate to,which is much more important. Ohyeah, I almost forgot. Rat Byte has asong called Raditude. It is impossible tobe any cooler in my book. –Newtim(FNS / Party Time)

RED ALERT: Blazin’ Through the Years: CDA collection from a band smart enoughto realize that their previous compila-tion on Captain Oi is still in print andmost likely readily available most any-where, and so have culled this “bestof” from rarities and alternate sessions.Although “new” versions (more recentthan the originals, but they’re still thir-teen years old) of popular tunes like“In Britain” and “SPG” can be foundhere, the bulk of the songs, twenty inall, come from more recent fare, pro-viding a nice bookend to the CaptainOi collection rather than just a rehashof the same old shit. If you’re a fan oftheir older stuff, pick this up and seewhat you’ve been missing. –JimmyAlvarado (SOS)

REVEREND BEAT MAN & THE CHURCHOF HERPES: Your Favourite Position Ison Your Knees: CDThere’s a haunted cathedral somewherethat needs to have this music playing asparishioners make their way down theaisle to take unholy communion.Reverend Beat Man speaks his lyricslike Froggy from the Our Gang televi-sion series. The music consists ofcreaky organs and creepy industrialelectro rhythms. “Home” is a fuckingmasterpiece. I’m renouncing myinvolvement with the CongregationalHouse of Genital Warts and taking themembership class at the Church ofHerpes. –Josh Benke (Voodoo Rhythm)

RICHARD CHEESE: Best of: CDImagine Tony Bennett singing “Baby’sGot Back” and you’ll have a pretty

clear understanding of what to expectfrom this. I have no doubt this disc ofbig band covers of Slipknot, VanHalen, Limp Bizkit, and Snoop Doggtunes will grow old pretty damnedquick, but right now it’s the funniestthing I’ve heard all week. –JimmyAlvarado (Surfdog)

RIVERBOAT GAMBLERS, THE: To the Confusion of Our Enemies: CDI’m not gonna sit here on my ass andgush like Niagara Falls about how greatit is having a band like The RiverboatGamblers alive and kicking the lastnine years. Anyone who’s heard themalready knows that, right? Right. But Ido wanna reiterate the two golden rulesthat matter when it comes to being in aband: 1) what your band does in therecording studio, and 2) what your banddoes live on a stage. That’s it.Everything else is just hot fucking air,and there’s quite a bit of shit bands outthere to prove this point. It can restorefaith to see a band that takes these twogolden rules to heart and consistentlydelivers the goods. And with thisrecord, the Gamblers are delivering ityet again, in fucking spades. There’ssome heavier production this timearound with Confusion, but don’t letthat scare you—you’ll be noddingyour head and muttering “Holy shit!”under your breath by the time you’rehalfway done listening to the openingass-stomper, “True Crime.” Otherpummels to the kidneys in the samevein are “The Song We Used to Call‘Wasting Time,’” “The Gamblers TryTheir Hand at InternationalDiplomacy,” “The Art of Getting

Fucked,” and one of my faves, “RentIs Due.” The rock’n’roll songwritingis shining brilliantly here, especiallywith the tracks “Biz Loves Sluts,”“Don’t Bury Me... I’m Still NotDead,” “On Again off Again,” “Yearof the Rooster,” and the would-make-Angus-Young-proud riffed gem, “UhOh!” I even hear glimmers of D-Generation on the cuts “The Curse ofthe Ivory Coast” and “Black Nothingof a Cat” (and for those of you groan-ing, fuck you—that’s a good thing).There’s even some brief acappellahappening here about unicorns, cour-tesy of Throw Rag’s Capt. Sean Doe.Ex-Catheters (now Tall Birds) drum-mer Davey Brozowski must be givencredit where credit’s due—he did areal fine job filling in on the drumstool for the recording of this record.Simply put, the RBG are as fantastic aband as they are good people, so it’s ano-brainer that you want this newrecord for your audio pleasure, Corky(yes genius, that’s right—Corky. As inTV’s Life Goes on). I hear the RBGare gonna be part of this summer’sWarped Tour again. Christ, I’d reallyhate to be in any of the bands havingto follow their set. That shit could getreally embarrassing. –DesignatedDale (Volcom)

ROBOCOP KRAUS, THE: They Think They Are: CDI wish they would have called them-selves “The Robocop Klaus Nomi,”then they’d all be dead of AIDS rightnow and i wouldn’t have to listen to thisCD any more. BEST SONG: “YouDon’t Need a Doctor” BEST SONG

TITLE: “Life Amazes Us Despite OurMiserable Future” FANTASTICAMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Actually,this record is often interesting in anI.R.S. Records circa 1980 way, but, imean, if you name your band some-thing like The Robocop Kraus and youput out an album on friggin’ Epitaphthat sounds like the singer of Gang OfFour emoting over some kind of rinky-dink Stereo Total background music,you kinda set yourself up for whateverwise-ass crap the reviewer deigns tofling your way. –Rev. Nørb (Epitaph)

ROCK N’ ROLL STORMTROOPERS: On Fire: CDThis silly band from Germany wearstheir influences on their sleeves: CockSparrer, Slade, AC/DC, Ramones,Rose Tattoo. It’s an upbeat, fun recordwith catchy riffs and ridiculous lyrics.Sample line: “We are bulldozers onthe loose / Roaring, steaming, pound-ing!” Despite the fact that the musicutilizes every street punk guitar riffcliché in the book, the music franklykicks serious ass. Plus all four guysare wearing Turbonegro-esque, DaisyDuke type shorts on the insert photo,in a background of pink lighningbolts. What could be better then a lit-tle furry man-leg action? –AynImperato (Full Breach)

ROCKET: Girls with Candy Hearts: CDEPNo matter how much thrash, grindcore,hardcore, and crust I listen to and go see,I am a sucker for all-girl bands. Now adda few covers with a blast of bubblegum,and I’m like a catfish hooked with adesigner lure. Starting off is a cover of

The Professionals which was one ofSteve Jones’ bands after the Sex Pistols.I vaguely remember the song, but I wasnever really into them. But this bandturns it into a new song. Never heard theNick Gilder song “Backstreet Noise”before. All I ever heard was “Hot Childin the City.” I would have never knownit was a cover if I didn’t look at the linernotes. Their rendition of the Ramones’“I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend” becoming“I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend” was aneasy lyric change and enjoyable too. Itdidn’t feel sacrilegious. Their Iggy Popcover of “Funtime” has the elements ofquirkiness that a band like Fuzzbox inthe ‘80s or Elastica in the ‘90s wouldhave done. Their originals are great too.This one’s a keeper! Now if a copy oftheir previous release that I read aboutwith the Redd Kross and Bay CityRollers covers comes my way, I will beone happy music junkie. –Donofthedead(Teenacide)

ROSE MELBERG: Cast Away the Clouds: CDI loved this album, but then in highschool, I always had a strong fascina-tion with the melancholy girls. Youknow the girls. Like Alice in your mathclass with the dark brown hair and redcheeks who you saw crying in the hall-way last week after she broke up withGlenn. And it was, like, sad, you know?Because they weren’t just a high schoolcouple. They seemed like, desperatelyin love. And so you sit there whenyou’re supposed to be doing that sheetof word problems and stare at Alicebecause she’s so pretty and her second-hand clothes are so much nicer than

anything you’ve ever found at theSalvation Army and you kind of cry abit when she gets up on stage at theschool’s talent night and plays hergreen acoustic guitar and sings a songabout Glenn and how much she lovedhim. I love Rose Melberg for the samereasons I loved girls like Alice in highschool. Because she is talented, andgorgeous, and oh so sad. And since I’llhopefully never be sad enough myselfto write songs this great, I’ll listen tothis album whenever I feel like hurtingvicariously. –Jennifer Whiteford(Double Agent)

ROY: Killed John Train: CDMr. Todd Taylor is a clever one. I popthis CD in the player and right there onthe first song, the guy starts singingabout Reno. That’s where I live!Unfortunately, “Reno, I’m ComingHome” contains a line within that states,“Empty halls with sparse applause yieldsanother bad review.” Err… this does notbode well for Roy. There’s a great, phonyalbum teaser at the end of Built To Spill’sCD, There’s Nothing Wrong with Love,where producer Phil Eck introducessongs that will appear on the next LP.The songs are miles apart from eachother stylistically, much like the materialon Killed John Train. Country-tingedindie-pop in the vein of Wilco andNeutral Milk Hotel followed by slowalterna-moodiness the recalls Idlewildand Guided By Voices with some earlySilver Jews thrown in to allow things toget really quiet. As none of these descrip-tive terms contain the words “rock” or“roll” or the letter “n,” I didn’t care muchfor this. –Josh Benke (Lujo)

RUM RUNNER: Dead Men Are Heavier Than Broken Hearts: 7” Sounds like Swingin’ Utters / FilthyThieving Bastards channeled via ThePogues. Though a bit unimaginative, it isdone very well, utilizing banjo, accor-dion, drums, and undistorted guitar inthat wild chaotic way that characterizesIrish folk punk. I personally like themore punked-out songs I’ve heard thisband do a bit better, however. The B-Side is a slightly more punk version of…hmm, a Pogues cover. –KO! (Longshot)

RUTS: Punk Singles Collection: CDAs the name implies, this is a collec-tion of singles tracks courtesy of thatother most excellent Limey band thatsprinkled liberal doses of reggae intotheir punk rock. Virtually every classictune imaginable this band recordedcan be found here, from “In a Rut” to“Jah War” to the first Ruts DC single,“Different View/Formula Eyes.” Ofparticular note is that the versions of“Babylon’s Burning,” “Society,” andthe aforementioned “Jah War” are allthe singles versions making their CDdebut here. –Jimmy Alvarado(Captain Oi)

SAINTE CATHERINES, THE: Dancing for Decadence: CDI remember in the summer of 1993, thebig talk of the U.S. punk scene wasAvail. They were awesome live, but alltheir records up until that point werepretty weak. Nothing they’d releasedhad done a really good job of capturingtheir live energy. Then Dixie came outand Avail became the big shit of the‘90’s. Dancing for Decadence is TheSainte Catherines’ Dixie. Finally, analbum that is as dynamic and powerfulas seeing them live. Imagine Tragedyplaying Leatherface songs with catchy,anthemic choruses a la StrikeAnywhere, and you’ve got a prettygood idea of where these six French-Canadians are coming from. Hugo’slyrics straddle the line between person-al emo-ish stuff and social statementscalling the scene out on its shit, butalways with enough intelligence to notsound cheesy. The three guitars are justdifferent enough from one another tocreate a warm, dark melodic texture,but without losing their bite. I’m soglad The Sainte Catherines finally havea good recorded representation of howawesome they can sound. This band isgonna get fucking huge, so you mightwanna get in on the ground floor andget this now. –Ben Snakepit (Fat)

SAINTE CATHERINES, THE: Dancing for Decadence: CDHey! Another band that flew under myradar and pops up out of nowhere! I seethis band has already put out a coupleof LPs, an EP and two splits. Wherehave I been? Clueless, as usual. A posseof six from Montreal, Canada is the cul-prit of creating this wall of noise. Amixture of small hints of StrikeAnywhere, Hot Water Music, andmaybe a double pinch of Strung Out.Melodic, but still hard driving. The pro-duction is top-notch in Fat fashionwhere every instrument is separate andidentifiable, but melds as one. Thevocal delivery is slightly gruff, but is inkey and sung with conviction. Thethree guitars play a game of Twister

with their intertwining harmonies andlayers. There is no doubt these guys canplay and show some anger in theprocess. A great introduction to anotherband I have never heard of before.–Donofthedead (Fat)

SAM LOMBARDI: Take Your Pic: CDPicture if you will, Kelly Clarksonweaned on Johnny Thunders. Well,maybe not weaned, but told by someA&R weasel to dress that way becauseit’ll sell. Yep, this is pure teen pop crap.There’s quite the team of writers here.Some songs have up to five or six writ-ers. Too bad Sam herself is only credit-ed on four of them. The first song waskind of catchy (in an embarrassing,shameful kind of way), but I wasredeemed when I couldn’t stand therest of it. This should be standard mallfare in no time. –Ty Stranglehold(Black Sea)

SASS DRAGONS: ManCandy: CDIllinois is one lucky state. It houses theLincoln Home National Historic Site, itlovingly claims the wonderful city ofEast St. Louis, and they happen to alsobe home to one of my new favoritebands, the Sass Dragons. I can’t evenbegin to tell you how happy I am tohave received this from Razorcake HQ.Now that Hickey has been gone for afew years, The Bananas don’t seem toever want to record a new album, andThe Minds have disappeared off themap, I am reassured that fun, sloppy,inventive pop punk isn’t going to diealong with some of my favorite bands.I actually was surprised that these guysweren’t from the Bay area. There is adistinct feeling I get from their musicthat I automatically associate withnorthern California, which I shouldprobably stop doing now. I am findingit really hard not to jump and flailaround the living room right now witha huge smile on my face. Now to clari-fy, the band comparisons above are notentirely accurate, because there willnever be a replacement for any of them.The Sass Dragons seem to borrow fromthe best aspects of each of them, creat-ing a sound original to them. Well, it’sofficial. My pick for best album of2006 thus far. PLEASE COME TOPORTLAND, DEAREST SASSDRAGONS! –Newtim (Lets Pretend)

SATELLITERS: 6-song CDEPThis long-standing beat/garage/psychunit from some country where theyissue funny website addresses nevertruly connected with me; much likepretty much everything else on theDionysus label, they always seemedlike a slightly sterilized version ofsomething that was supposed to beintrinsically rawer and cooler. Be thatas it may, the band seems to have “pro-gressed”—arguably for the better(gasp!)—mutating/evolving into some-thing more akin to some of the less-hor-rible quote-college-rock-unquote unitsfrom the Southern Hemisphere ca.1985 (Hoodoo Gurus… uh… shit,that’s all i can think of right now), andnot at all un-Bigtime Records-ish, ifyou follow (and even if you don’t).What this means to the layman is that,although i still am not enervated in anymeaningful way by this band, i am nowsomewhat more interested in the ways

and means of how they go about notenervating me. BEST SONG: “It’s NotTrue” BEST SONG TITLE: “YourStuff” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV-IA FACT: Band uses a Vox amp.Goodness. –Rev. Nørb (Dionysus)

SCARRED, THE: No Solution: CDYoung mohawky goodness, pure andsimple. The Scarred somehow look andsound the part of punk from days goneby without going down the rehash road.It’s refreshing. The songs have anurgency and lack of hope that has meon the edge of my seat. I guess theykind of remind me of Broken Bottles(but not quite as good). –Ty Stranglehold (Punkcore)

SCARS OF TOMORROW: The Beginning of: CDTwo early lineups of a band I’ve neverheard of playing burp-metal with occa-sional flashes of melody. The resultsare—you guessed it—about as excitingas a fistful of downs with an Everclearchaser. –Jimmy Alvarado (Thorp)

SCOTCH GREENS: Professional: CDOn the case is a sticker, which says,“punk rock and American roots. Whenwas the last time you heard originali-ty?” With regards to the first part, whenI think “punk rock and Americanroots,” I think of the Gun Club, TheBlasters, Los Lobos and maybe TheKnitters. As for the second part, outsideof the occasional inclusion of a banjo,what I’m hearing, while not terrible byany stretch, ain’t exactly teeming withoriginality. –Jimmy Alvarado (www.scotchgreens.com)

SHIVS, THE: They’re Here: CDI love it when a local band does good.The Shivs are pretty much the top ofthe heap as far as hardcore bands go inVictoria, and this record is a good rep-resentation of them. Fast and heavy isthe order of the day. A couple of BlindMarc’s favorite bands are FUs and theStretch Marks, and you can tell. Theytend to creep over to the metal side ofthings here and there, but for the mostpart, it’s stripped down early ‘80s hard-core thrash. Add the musings of a drunkblind guy who is obsessed with aliens,and you’ve got a fine batch of songs.Throw in a couple of my favorite oldertunes “15 Pack” and “86’ed” and somecover art featuring some Jaks Teamaliens and call this a full blown winner.– Ty Stranglehold (No Front Teeth)

SHONEN KNIFE: Genki Shock!: CDI was a huge Shonen Knife fan back inthe early ‘80s. I have a decent collec-tion of their releases that I haveamassed through the years. Like havingyour favorite pair of underwear orbrand of beer, that tends to change overtime. I kind of fell off their map whenthey went on a U.S. major label.Nothing of their later material has themagic of the early material to my ears.The magic in their earlier music wasthey could barely play and recorded incheap studios and the songs were bub-blegum cute. The new material is notthe same for me. It sounds like they aretrying too hard to sound garage. Theyplay the same formula as their latermaterial and worse, they continue tosing in English. When they were

singing mostly in Japanese and brokenEnglish, the music was great. I read thatfor this U.S. release, they re-recordedthe songs in English. I much wouldhave preferred the Japanese vocals.–Donofthedead (Glue Factory)

SHOP FRONTS: “So Sick” b/w “ShopFronts” & “Polish Hammer”: 7” …i thought their first 45 pretty muchbit, to tell you the truth, but, although iam still gonna hold off on anointingthese guys (and girl) the sorely neededsaviors of punk rock, i have no prob-lem in admitting this is a three-songsampling of highly increased keen-ness. The a-side sounds like a stripped-down, female-vocalized version of theSpaceshits “More Abuse,” but withmore of a Red (not “Redd”) Cross (not“Kross”) style Robo-beat; the b-sidecauses my reptilian brain-stem to wantto excavate the Manic Depressives’“Out With The In Crowd” three-song7” for a quick compare/contrast ses-sion. Catchy, crunchy, under-producedand primitive, i now officially “seegreat promise” in this band. Huz thefuck Zah. BEST SONG: “So Sick”BEST SONG TITLE: “PolishHammer?” FANTASTIC AMAZINGTRIVIA FACT: If “Polish Hammer” isin reference to Ivan Putski, anotherchildhood wrestling hero of mine,Wikipedia says that he’s now a securi-ty guard in a high school in a suburb ofAustin, Texas. Huh. –Rev. Nørb(Noma Beach)

SINALOA: Life at These Speeds: 7”They spell their name with a “5”instead of an “S” on the cover. This7” sounded more pretentious eachtime I listened to it. Pee-yew! –JoshBenke (Waking)

SINKIN’ SHIPS: All Signs Are Wrong: CDThe first thing that hit me on this onewas the voice. Damn, that is one hell ofa set o’ pipes. Right off the bat I’mthinking Cinder Block or Theo fromLunachicks, not because of the gendersimilarities, but the sheer power. Loveit! Musically, it’s also very Lunachicks-like and that’s never a bad thing in mybook. In fact, this thing played in mycar for quite awhile, which is always agood testament to a disc’s longevity. Ialso think that “Tits on Toast” is a damnfine song title. Search this one out. –TyStranglehold (Wounded Paw)

SIX STRING JETS, THE: Self-titled: 7”Chock full of the most ancient rock-’n’roll clichés, these young moronsalmost pull these songs off. “SavageBeat” has the line “King of the jungleI’m a wild eyed savage beast/I’m ahungry for love and baby you’re thefeast.” So dumb it’s almost retarded.The lyrics are sung in exaggerated AlexChilton fashion. I applaud their spirit,but I’m lukewarm to their execution.–Josh Benke (Wrecked ‘Em)

SLIDESHAKER: In the Raw: CDGood ‘60s mid-to-down tempo garageblues with a slight hint of psychedeliaplayed by what appear to be Finns(Arttu Keski-Orvola, Jani Korhonen,and Heikki Savolainen). The unassail-ably rad vocals sound like they’re sungthrough a kazoo hooked up to a fuzz

box. The guitar player understands thatwell placed, uncomplicated solos canbe more satisfying than some hot dogaxe man trying to achieve full blownClapton-esque wankery. Only two ofthe three band members are creditedwith providing handclaps. If anyonehas this on vinyl, send it my way.–Josh Benke (Bad Afro)

SODA POP KIDS, THE: Write Home: CDThe first song, “Put on Your TightPants,” is so catchy and perfect that thefirst time through the CD, I experienceda let down with each subsequent song. Ittook a few listens, but the rest of thetunes grew on me, too, and now I can’tget this gooey glob of glam punk outtamy CD player. “Chained with YourLove” and “Memory Lane” have those‘50s “ooo-wah-ooo” backing vocals thatI’m an absolute sucker for. Listening tothis CD is like shooting cotton candyintravenously, chugging Swizzle Stix,and chasing it down with root beerspiked with cocaine. Cheers to the sugarhigh. –Josh Benke (Full Breach Kicks)

SOFAKINGDOM: Corporation America: CDPretty formulaic hardcore that’s likesalad at a big holiday meal. It doesn’tbother you that it’s there, but youwouldn’t miss it if it was never put infront of you. –Megan (sofakingdommusic.com)

SOUTHERN CULTURE ON THE SKIDS:Doublewide and Live: CDIf you dig live recordings and SCOTS,this one’s for you; it’s high energy andexcellently produced, with an expertly

selected song variety. Alas, live record-ings have opposite the intended effecton me—I feel left out instead ofincluded. Nothing against this album,it’s very well considered, just not mypreference. However, they’re stillmaking a lot of people gleeful, includ-ing me. –Jessica T (Yep Roc)

SPACE CRETINS: Rocket Roll: CDHere’s another case of a band pulling afast one on me. If I were to look at thedisc, I would be willing to bet that thiswas going to be a straight up “dragstriprock” record. It’s got the crazy drawingof a hot girl and an alien riding a rock-et, it’s got a dude in the band photo thatlooks a lot like Billy Hopeless of theBlack Halos and it’s called Rocket Roll.I don’t have to explain my shock andexcitement when I popped the disc inand it sounded like The Crowd. What?That can’t be Decker… I’m telling you“Hong Kong Blow” has to be one ofthe best songs The Crowd never wrote.It starts to lean more towards the rockvibe as the disc progresses, but it stillmanages to sound somewhat fresh. Anice little surprise. –Ty Stranglehold(www.spacecretins.com)

SPAIN COLORED ORANGE: HopelesslyIncapable of Standing in the Way: CDI’m sure that this would have somelong, hyphenated description, likeelectro-retro-lounge-camp or some-thing, but I’ll just file it under “nothanks.” –Megan (Lucid)

SPERMBIRDS: Something to Prove: CDA reissue of what appears to be thelion’s share of the first couple of LPs

and some bonus rarities from one ofthe best bands to come outtaGermany’s mid-late ‘80s punk/hard-core scene. If the occasional misogy-nistic lyric (someone in the bandapparently had a few issues withwomen and, unfortunately access to apencil and pad) doesn’t get your undiesin a bunch, you might just find your-self thrashing in wild abandon to somechoice noise that sounds more like itoriginated in central California’s skatepunk scene than the land of lederho-sen—melodic (but not in the currentpop punk sense), obnoxious and fast.Good stuff it remains. –JimmyAlvarado (Boss Tuneage)

SPIDER FRIENDS: Self-titled: CDSo this dinky and repetitive drummachine and synth beat is playing, anda dude’s whining over it, and you thinkthat more drums or a guitar or amelody or something are going to kickin soon so the song can start. Joke’s onyou! Track 2: steady drum machineand synth, dude whining, end of song.This formula gets a workout over eighttracks with a couple of deviations(once, an actual riff!) and some catchyKraftwerk melodies, but it’s mostlylike the disc has been shot up withNovocain. –Anthony Bartkewicz(www.myspace.com/spiderfriends)

SS KALIERT : 7”From the promo sheet touting thesedudes as “streetrock” and the nicesilk-screened cover showcasing abunch of dudes with mohawks, I wasreally rooting for something thatsounded like Bombshell Rocks or

even Rancid. I mean, my secret’s out:I actually like Rancid quite a bit, inspite of their genre-hopping, theirposturing, their blossoming thug/gangmentality. It’s embarrassing, but it’sthere, you know? I was thinking,“Yeah, SS Kaliert—the thinkingman’s Rancid! I can get behind thisshit!” Then I actually put the recordon and instead of the anthemic gravel-buried-in-the-melody stuff I was hop-ing for, these guys kick out four sur-prisingly dense, tough songs withhardly a hint of melody or “singa-longness” to be found. I mean, thelyrics are all super-positive andthey’re obviously totally fired up onpunk, but that undercurrent of jump-in-the-air pogo that I was looking forwas lacking, and was replaced withsomething a lot more simple and, likeI said, tough. So if you want somesharp-as-nails street stuff that you’llbe hard pressed to sing along with,grab it up. It’s not bad, and it’s defi-nitely heartfelt. Just a little too rougharound the edges for me. –KeithRosson (FNS)

STEEL TOE SOLUTION: Eight Year War: CDWell lookie here. A baldie in tatteredbell-bottoms and tennis shoes.Don’t that just beat all? –JimmyAlvarado (Headache)

STOKOE: The Experiment Has Been a Complete and Utter Failure: CDThanks for summing up my entirereview in the album title. –JimmyAlvarado (Rookie, no address)

STRONGARM AND THE BULLIES: You Had It Coming: CDNot sure about this. It is dripping withman anger and rage but not in anaccessible way for me. This album hasa very metal influence with the skin-head vibe thing. The vocals areextremely deep—can’t imagine what itwas like for this guy to go throughpuberty—similar to Danzig meets anangry drill sergeant. Along with themetal vibe, the album has moments ofbass-infused blues-like-rock outs, withscreeching guitar rock star solos overit, like in “That Kind of Courage” and“Gone.” The production of the albumis good and the tempo is sped up andalways going, but something about itjust isn’t gelling with me. –JennyMoncayo (Rebellion)

SUSPICIONS: Self-titled: LPSeattle power pop roolz! The fulllength from the Suspicions is finallyhere and it is even better than the sin-gle. Great power pop/bubblegum thatis the best thing Rip Off has releasedsince that first Kill A Watts LP. Fansof Bobbyteens, early Joe Jackson,Lipstick Records, or anything involv-ing Travis Ramin (Total Babes,Fevers, Nikki Corvette, etc.): here isyour new favorite band! –MikeFrame (Rip Off)

TANGLED LINES, THE /DICK CHENEY: Split: 7”I listen to hardcore so rarely that I’moften surprised how enjoyable it is insmall doses. Both of these bands areexcellent at ripping shit up, and bothsides remind me of the Propaghandi/I

Spy split 10” from a decade ago. Tensongs, political and personal lyrics.Cool stuff. –Josh Benke (Thrashbastard /Refuse)

TEEN CRUD COMBO: Judgment Night Soundtrack Part 2: LPMotörhead, but a wee bit retarded (in agood, punk way). Everything’s in thepocket. Riff-locked, blast-forwardrock with plenty of swagger, switch-blades in their pupils, and zero fat.Great rock is such an easy thing toalmost instantly recognize; such a hardthing to play without being a parody,being tedious, or outright laughable;and for a Toronto band that endedabout six years ago, its epitaph is thistorch of an LP, keeping the rock’n’rollflame alive. Lemmy’d be proud thatthe Combo took care of business.Members went on to Ruination andBrutal Nights, which makes perfectsense. –Todd (Deranged)

TERMINALS: Takin’ Care of Brooks: 7”EPReminds me of Supercharger, barelymore hi-fi, meaning it doesn’t quitesound like a boombox recording in akitchen: fuzzy, muffy, sweaty, dirtywhite folks with soul blues. Before Iactually heard the Jon Spencer BluesExplosion, this is what I was hopingfor: gristle bass, cigarette burns onthe linoleum, grease splatteringthrough the vocals, sizzle on the gui-tars, dirt in the drums. So immediate,I feel like I’m choking on theexhaust of their tour van with a badcatalytic converter as it idles outside.They’d fit in perfectly on a bill with

The Original Three or The RiverCity Tanlines. –Todd (Boom Chick)

THOUGHT CRIME: It’s All in Your Head: LPOriginally released on CD by TribalWar Records, PE gives this a propervinyl release. Former members of theU.K.’s Suicidal Supermarket Trolleysand NY’s Distraught play a brand ofmid-to late-’80s anarcho punk that isequal parts Discharge, Conflict, andIcons Of Filth. Hearing the Englishaccent makes the songs more periodand authentic and not some copycatsideshow that has appeared throughthe years when certain bands try torecreate the sound. To add even more,Steve Ignorant, formerly of Crass,appears on a few tracks. The songscharge ahead with fierceness and bile.The lyrics are statements of whatangers them: gentrification, war, reli-gion and other usual suspects, alldelivered in rapid fashion. I saw thereformed Conflict a few years ago andthey were a former shell of themselves.This band carries the flame that used toburn brightly for bands of the originalmovement. They are exciting and rele-vant to the current generation of punkswho question. –Donofthedead(Profane Existence)

TIME AGAIN: The Stories Are True: CDThis is the best Rancid record sinceLet’s Go. I’m still trying to figure outwhy they changed their name. It mustexplain it somewhere on the actualliner notes, but all Hellcat sends outare these shitty cardboard sleeves withno info. I’m also not too sure why theypoint out that track four features TimArmstrong. I mean, they all do right?Seriously, you could butt this record upright in between Let’s Go and theWolves one, and it would be seamless Itell you. Seamless! I, for one, am real-ly happy that they decided to get backto what they do best. Forget all thatreggae stuff or the wannabe Dischargestuff. This is how I like myRancid…What?… It’s really notRancid? Okay, well I guess I like TimeAgain better than Rancid. –TyStranglehold (Hellcat)

TRACTOR SEX FATALITY: Black Magic, White Pussy: CDWhat a fantastic, inspired title for aCD. The satisfied pleasure I experi-enced when my mother-in-law, awomen’s studies professor, disparagedand scoffed at the name of this CD wasa moment of pure, distilled joy. Howuptight she must be to have a sincerelydisdainful reaction to the word“pussy.” I guess it’s what you’d expectfrom a cunt! Now then, the music.Heavy, frightening, fucked up noisethat powers over the underlying tuneswithout diminishing their resonance.Tennessee thunderstorm double bassand screeching, wild guitars make thissound like the soundtrack playinginside the head of your town’s resi-dent, whacked-out, sleeps-in-the-park, crazy dude. I wasn’t preparedfor, nor have I yet recovered from, theonsault (onslaught and assault com-bined!) of this ferocious CD. –JoshBenke (Big Neck)

TRANZMITORS: Bigger Houses,Broken Homes b/w Glamour Girls: 7”Jesus fucking Christ, how does Gordof Deranged do it? I’m not blowinghim here, but, crap, man, he can findand release the top ten percent ofpunk rock in its fullest spectrum,from full-on hardcore to power pop.The Tranzmitors remind me of themissile-top of the heap: Buzzcocks,Jam, Stiff Little Fingers, ExplodingHearts. Crystalline, yet raw-edged,explosive pop that stomps its bootswhile sweating uncontrollably. Ihaven’t been this moved by a bandlike this since The Gain orSmalltown, and that’s just from twosongs. Excellent. –Todd (Deranged)

TRAPDOOR FUCKING EXIT: Crooked Life/Straight World: CDImagine a Slip It In-era Henry Rollinsconducting the Drive Like Jehu bullettrain all the way from 1988 Chicago to2006 Norway. That’s kinda what thissounds like. I especially like the“empty, but not thin” production. It’s adefinite departure from the typical NoIdea sound, and I mean that in a goodway. The guitars are driving, relentlesseven, with just a tinge of natural dis-tortion, while the drums keep it smoothand solid, evoking Hose Got Cable.My only complaint is that they put thestrongest songs at the beginning andend, so it drags a bit in the middle.Other than that, these dudes fromNorway have delivered an excellentalbum that deserves your attention.–Ben Snakepit (No Idea)

TRASHIES, THE: Life Sucks: CD-RLo-fi pop of the Spits meets theunbeatable dirty charm of FourDeadly Questions brand of punk rockwith a bit of the U.K. accents of TheBriefs. You’ll have fun chantingalong, for sure. “I hate you motherfuckers! I hate you mother fuckers!”–Mr. Z (Party’s Over)

TRASHIES, THE: Self-titled: 7”Once and a while, a band comes alongthat blows your mind with its depth andoverwhelming creativity. And othertimes, some jerks like The Trashies putout some stupid songs about chickensandwiches and the Northwest trash-core existence, and that’s okay too.Sometimes accused of being a dumberversion of The Spits (true) and theirsongs sounding all the same (also verytrue), their first vinyl release spits outtwo Trashies classics, “Bring Daddy aChicken Sandwich” and “Taz Tattoo,”featuring Peggy Pinkeye. The 7” alsoboasts of packaging bonuses, such as apicture of a real Tasmanian Devil tattooand individually spray painted andhandwritten cardboard cover art createdin the infamously filthy 24/7 housevenue where they record. The Trashiesmay be stupid, but at least they’re stilla pretty fucking fun guilty pleasure,like spending all your money on drugsand partying the night before rent isdue. Get Trashies’ music before one ofthem knocks up their cousin or dies ofalcohol poisoning. –Comrade Bree(Party’s Over)

TRIAC: Dead House Dreaming: CDA furious assault of grind metal, I likethis. It’s a little deeper than most

C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E Sor posted on www.razorcake.com recently.to bands and labels that were reviewed either in this issue

• 1234 Go!, 2928 Telegraph Ave. #3,Oakland, CA 94609• 1x1, 1960 Old Cuthbert Rd. Ste. 100,Cherry Hill, NJ 08034• A-F, PO Box 71266, Pittsburgh, PA 15213• Alien Snatch, Morikeweg 1, 74 199 U-Bach, Germany• Alternative Tentacles, PO Box 49092, SF, CA 94141• Antidote, 9830 W. 53rd Pl., Arvada, CO 80002• Art Of The Underground, 225 MainSt., Upper Front Buffalo, NY 14214• Baby Killer, 595 Main St. #1201, NY, NY 10044• Bad Afro, Studiestraede 24, 2, 1455 Copenhagen K, Denmark• Barracuda Sound, PO Box 11994,Gainesville, FL 32604• Big Neck, PO Box 8144, Reston, VA 20196• Bitter Like The Bean, PO Box 34675, Philadelphia, PA 19101• Black Sea, PO Box 548, DeFuniakSprings, FL 32435• Bodies of Water Arts and Crafts, 1056Commercial St., Weymouth, MA 02189• Boom Chick, 6405 Morrill Ave.,Lincoln, NE 68507• Bootleg Booze, PO Box 89, 671.22Arvika, Sweden• Bopaganda!, 1809 N Cambridge Ave.#5, Milwaukee, WI 53202• Boss Tuneage, PO Box 74, Sandy,Bedfordshire, SG19 2WB, UK• Bracket, PO Box 305, Forrestville, CA 95436• BYO, PO Box 67609, LA, CA 90067• Captain Oi, PO Box 501 HighWycombe, Bucks, HP10 8QA, England• Chain Letter, www.newfangs.com• Charged, PO Box 3118, Jersey City, NJ 07303• Cheapskate, 297 Stoodley Pl.,Schenectady, NY 12303• Cooking Vinyl, PO Box 246,Huntington, NY 11743• Crimes Against Humanity, PO Box1421, Eau Claire, WI 54702• Crustacean, PO Box 370156,Milwaukee, WI 53237• Crusty, PO Box 59, 1895 CommercialDr., Vancouver, BC, V5N 4A6, Canada• Crybaby MacCarthur, 344 W 72nd #8A, NY, NY 10023• Cuddle Machines, 801 Meeker Ave.#1, Brooklyn, NY 11222• Deathvomit, PO Box 14815, Fremont, CA 94539• Deep Elm, PO Box 5260, Clover, SC 29710• Double Plus Good, PO Box 3690,MPLS, MN 55403• Deranged, 1166 Chaster Rd., Gibsons, BC, V0N 1V4, Canada• Destroyed, 12 Summer St., Somerville, MA 02143• Dionysus, PO Box 1975, Burbank, CA 91507

• Don’t Stop Believin’, 8927 RavennaAve., NE, Seattle, WA 98115• Double Agent,www.doubleagentrecords.com• Doubleplusgood, PO Box 3690, MPLS, MN 55403• Eleven Thirty, 449-A TrollingwoodRd., Haw River, NC 27258• Empty, PO Box 12301, Portland, OR 97212• Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA90026• Eugene, PO Box 1002, Lexington, KY 40508• Fashionable Idiots, PO Box 580131,MPLS, MN 55458• Fastmusic, PO Box 206512, New Haven, CT 06520• Fat Wreck Chords, PO Box 193690,SF, CA 94119• Fearless, 11785 Cardinal Circle,Garden Grove, CA 92843• Flameshovel, 1658 N. Milwaukee#276, Chicago, IL 60647• Flotation, PO Box 13282, Everett, WA 98206• FNS, PO Box 1299, Boston, MA 02130 • For Documentation Only, PMB 38,PO Box 413005, Naples, FL 94101• Full Breach Kicks, 2826 W. ArmitageAve., 2nd Fl., Chicago, IL 60647• Get Hip, Columbus & Preble Aves.,Pittsburgh, PA 15233• Get Nice, www.getnicerecords.com• Gigantic, 59 Franklin St., NY, NY 10013• Glue Factory, PO Box 404, Redondo Beach, CA 90277• Goodbye Boozy, Via Villa Pompetti 147,64020 S Nicolo a Tordino, Teramo, Italy• GSL, PO Box 65091, LA, CA 90065• Headache, PO Box 204, Midland Park, NJ 07432• Hellcat, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90025• Heroes, 29 John St. #170, NY, NY 10038• HeWhoCorrupts, PO Box 4450,Chicago, IL 60680• High Maintenance, PO Box 6058,9702 HB Groningen, Netherlands• Hindi Guns, www.thehindiguns.com• Hjernespind, PO Box 604, 2200 Copenhagen N, Denmark• Hungry Eye, PO Box 20403, TompkinsSquare Station, NY, NY 10009• I Scream, PO Box 46608, LA, CA 90046• Jade Tree, 2310 Kennwynn Rd.,Wilmington, DE 19810• Jeth-Row, 510 Company St.,Wetumpka, AL 36092• Joyful Noise, PO Box 20109,Indianapolis, IN 46220• Kabuki Thunder, 10 Victory Ln.,Leetsdale, PA 15056• Kick n’ Punch, PO Box 578, 2200Copenhagen N, Denmark• Kids Of Carnage, PO Box 37,Centerville, MA 02632• Kill Rock Stars, PMB 418/120 NEState Ave., Olympia, WA 98501• Kuriosa, Biezenveld 48, 7943 MCMeppel, Netherlands

• LaLaLa, PO Box 76, New Albany, IN 47151• Let’s Pretend, PO Box 2993,Carbondale, IL 62902• Life Is Abuse, PO Box 20524,Oakland, CA 94620• Longshot, PMB#72, 302 Beford Ave.,Brooklyn, NY 11211• Lujo, 3209 Jennie Dr., Morgan City, LA 0380• Luther, PO Box 685138, Austin, TX 78768• Mad Butcher, Kurze Geismarstr. 6, D-37073 Gottingen, Germany• Make Or Break, 1430 N. Wood St. #1,Chicago, IL 60622• Mint, PO Box 3613, Vancouver, BC,V6B 3Y6, Canada• MOTO, PO Box 578912, Chicago, IL 60657• Mountain-Landis, 3776 A ShafterAve., Oakland, CA 94609• New Art School, 12864 Biscayne Blvd.#201, North Miami, FL 33181• New Regard Media, PO Box 5706 Bellingham, WA 98227• No Front Teeth, PO Box 27070,London, England N2 9ZP• No Idea, PO Box 1436, Gainesville, FL 32604• Noma Beach, PO Box 735, Sonoma, CA 95476• One Percent, PO Box 141048, MPLS, MN 55414• Ox, PO Box 10 22 25, 42766 Haan, Germany• Party’s Over, 2417 E. Union St.,Seattle, WA 98122• Plan-It-X, PO Box 3521, Bloomington, IN 47402• Plastic Idol, 410 Bell Ave. Apt. 25,Sacramento, CA 95838• Prison Jazz, 431 Birch St., Scranton, PA 18505• Profane Existence, PO Box 8722,MPLS, MN 55408• Punkcore, PO Box 916, Middle Island, NY 11953• Reality Clash, PO Box 491, Dana Point, CA 92629• Reason Y, 2871 Royal Bluff, Decatur, GA 30030• Rebellion, 5213 GD Den Bosch, Holland• Refuse, PO Box 7, 02-792, Warszawa 78, Poland• Reptilian, 403 S. Broadway, Baltimore, MD 21231• Rip Off, 581 Maple Ave., San Bruno, CA 94066 • Robotic Empire, PO Box 4211,Richmond, VA 23220• Rock Bottom Wreckids, 248McKibbin St., Brooklyn, NY 11206• Sailor’s Grave, PO Box 6786, Toledo, OH 43612• Salinas, PO Box 20446, Ferndale, MI 48220• Saw Wheel, 213 Patterson St.,Copperas Cove, TX 76522

• Schizophrenic, 17 West 4th St.,Hamilton, Ontario, L9C 3M2 Canada• Shoot First, 5160 Rice Rd. #151,Antioch, TN 37013• Sickroom, PO Box 47830, Chicago, IL 60647• Small Pool, PO Box 173, Whittier, CA 90608• SOS, PO Box 3017, Corona, CA 92878 • Spacement, 269 Wonder St., Reno, NV 89502• Spiderland, 2920 13th Ave. S, MPLS, MN 55407• Spook City, PO Box 34891,Philadelphia, PA 19101• Step 1 Music, PO Box 21, Tenterden,Kent TN30 7ZZ, UK• Street Anthem, PMB#218 1530 LocustSt., Philadelphia, PA 19102• Suicide Squeeze, PO Box 80511,Seattle, WA 98108• Surfdog, 1126 South Coast Highway101, Encinitas, CA 92024 • Takeover, 1810 14th St. Ste. 210, Santa Monica, CA 90404• Tankcrimes, PO Box 3495, Oakland, CA 94609• Team Science, 11 Birchwood Park Pl.,The Woodlands, TX 77382• Tee Pee, 356 Bowery 2nd Fl., NY, NY 10012• Teenacide, PO Box 291121, LA, CA 90029• Temporary Residence Limited, POBox 60097, Brooklyn, NY 11206• The Death Scene, 8642 Bay Parkway,Brooklyn, NY 11214• The Scientist and the Duke, PO Box305, La Canada, CA 91012• Third Party, 21 Nancy Ln., Amherst, NY 14228• Thorp, PO Box 6786, Toledo, OH 43612• Thrashbastard,www.myspace.com/thrashbastard• Touch and Go, PO Box 25520,Chicago, IL 60625• Transdreamer, PO Box 1955, NY, NY 10113• TSOR, Badenerstr. 731, 8048 Zürich, Switzerland• Underground Communique, 1220West Hood Ave. #1, Chicago, IL 60660• Upskirts, Kvitsysgt. 89, 4014Stavanger, Norway• Vinehell, PO Box 36131, San Jose, CA 95158• Volcom, 1740 Monrovia Ave.,Costa Mesa, CA 92627• Voodoo Rhythm, Jurastrasse 15, 3013Bern, Switzerland• Waking, 541 Clinton St. #2F, Brooklyn, NY 11231• Wantage USA, PO Box 8681,Missoula, MT 59807• Wired Gnome, PO Box 572, Concord, CA 94522• Wounded Paw, 26C Brookfield St.,Toronto, ON M6J 3A9, Canada• Wrecked ‘Em, PO Box 240701,Memphis, TN 38124• Yep Roc, PO Box 4821, Chapel Hill, NC 27515

Send all zines forreview to Razorcake,PO Box 42129, LA, CA90042. Pleaseinclude a contactaddress, the numberof pages, the price,and whether or notyou accept trades.

“Most of this was pretty funny or at

least entertaining-much like watching my

cats fight one another-so

no harm here.”-GO metric #20

A. CRIMES POSTCARD ZINE #2, #3 and #4, Free Newest issues of this radical post-card zine! Each one has a newimage and a new and totally unex-pected entry on the reverse side!GREAT GREAT GREAT! Thebest layout and print job so far hasgot to be #2. Email them today andget in on this amazing mailing listbefore you’ve missed too manymore issues! –Mr. Z(acrimes@gmail.com)

AT BOTH ENDS #7,$2 plus shipping, 8 ½” x 11”,cold web press, 88 pgs.Canadians sure are great folks. Idon’t think I’ve ever met aCanadian I didn’t like. The folksbehind At Both Ends continue thetrend. This zine isn’t just gearedtowards the Canadian punk/hard-core scene, it covers all sorts ofstuff. There’s a great interviewwith Shellac (with whom I hardlyever see interviewed and whoseinterview is interspersed with allkinds of ridiculous facts onCanada), a nice photo diary ofBane’s Canadian tour, reviews inthe middle of the zine (a novelidea), columns, interviews withbands I’d never heard of, lots ofads, an interview with Paint ItBlack, recipes, and a run downmemory lane about some punkrock house in Bellingham,Washington. I feel kind of on thefence with this zine since I thoughtthere was a lot of filler, but at thesame time, the interviews I didread were pretty interesting.Nonetheless, I think I’d be open toreading another issue if it camemy way. –Kurt Morris (At BothEnds, #207-555 E. 6th Ave.,Vancouver, BC Canada, V5T 1K9)

BROKEN PENCIL #30,$5.95, 8½” x 11”, offset, 68 pgs.Heavy focus on the DIY/indiewriting/creative scene in Canada.Decent range of topics, with all ofthem holding onto the rough

theme of either doing somethingcreative as a career or balancing aday job with one’s creativeendeavors. There are also plentyof reviews (zines, books, film,etc.), zine/book excerpts and shortfiction. –Keith Rosson (BrokenPencil, PO Box 203, Stn. P,Toronto, ON, M5S 2S7, Canada)

DEVIL ON 45, THE#1, $5.50, 8½” x 11”, 36 pgs.This is an ambitious first issue.There are really only four articlesand one interview (with CynthiaPlaster Caster!), but they’re allpretty lengthy in addition to beingvery well written and researched.Especially interesting was theinvestigation of the intersectingworlds of punk and porn, which islabeled part one. I hope I can readpart two sometime. –Gus (EdHannon, Downings Cross,Prosperous, Nass, Co. Kildare,Ireland, thedevilon45@yahoo.ie)

GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS #2,$3ppd., 8½” x 11”, 35 pgs.The guy who wrote this, oneShannon Colebank, says it best:“The so-called ‘reviewers’ whowill inevitably purposely take afew lines out of context, projecttheir paranoid self-hatred ontothem, and then flat-out lie to theirreaders…never ceases [sic] toastonish and appall me.” Well, farbe it from me to let the guy down.Take it away, Shannon! “The 3things I hate the most are:Weaklings (Liars and Arguers).The Stupid (those who refuse tolearn). The Mentally Ill (weak-lings who cannot handle the horrorof it all.)” “Black people talkingthat nigger-jive shit…knowingfull well they are utterly insignifi-gant.” “It is so easy to develop aGod Complex when everyonearound me is so totally non-exis-tant as an ego.” “In California theysell hard liquor in grocery storesbut will not take your bottle

returns. What the fuck?” “The lit-tle white girl had a crush on me,like most girls that age do. Shekept showing me her pussy…”“The little zebra girl became a nig-ger and pounced on the little whitegirl.” “Anyone stupid enough totake any of this obvious catharsisof mine literally deserves to beintimidated by it.” Thank you,Shannon. Thank you. –Gus(Shannon Colebank, WhizzbangerProductions, PO Box 5591Portland, OR 97228)

GO METRIC #20,$2, 8½” x 11”, copied, 80 pgs.This is a newsprint zine filled withrandom columns and pseudo-interviews. Column topics includethe disgrace of the movie Grease,Van Halen’s impact, SCTV, andone writer’s bands of the decade,pseudo-interviews with PaulWolfowitz as part of the NYCpunk scene (you really had megoing guys!), Knights of the NewCrusade (a Christian metal band),and 8-Track Gorilla. There arealso many an album review. Mostof this was pretty funny or at leastentertaining—much like watchingmy cats fight one another—so noharm here. –Kurt Morris (GoMetric, 801 Eagles Ridge Rd.,Brewster, NY 10509)

KICKING AND SCREAMING#12, $3.95, 8½” x 11”, glossy, 64 pgs.First look, the cover lineup readspretty well: interviews with every-one from John Holstrom (thefounder of Punk magazine) toBroken Bones, Four Letter Word,Curtis of Taang Records and tonsmore. Unfortunately, all the inter-views are really short and ulti-mately pretty dull, and they’veapparently decided that since themag’s full color, they should useevery godawful color combinationimaginable in regards to text vs.photo placement. Guys, orange,pink, and green text on a blackbackground (in Chalkboard font)

does not a good record review sec-tion make. I think their intentionsare sincere, and they’ve probablyput a lot of work into this one, butthere are entire interviews in herethat are rendered nearly illegibledue to the colors used. Decent ifyou’re into streetcore or metalstuff, but they’re gonna have towork on tightening up the layoutand doing some more in-depthfeatures and interviews to turn thisguy into a subscriber. –KeithRosson (Kicking And Screaming,PO Box 1299, Boston, MA 02130)

LADYSCIENTIST #1,$2, 8½” x 11”, Xeroxed, 34 pgs.As the title suggests, this is a zineabout women in science. It’s madeby a biochemistry graduate stu-dent from Canada named Susan P.Bustos. It reads like a travel zine attimes (her European postdocentries on countries like England,Spain, Germany, and Scotland).There’s also a nice piece about herscientist heroines (like BarbaraMcClintock, Rachel Carson,Hildegard of Bingen, and NancyWexler, to name a few). There’salso a funny piece about impostorPh.D. students and how she is onewho just slipped through thecracks herself and another called“My Life as a Ribosome,” (note: aribosome is a minute round parti-cle composed of RNA and proteinthat is found in the cytoplasm ofliving cells and serves as the siteof assembly for polypeptidesencoded by messenger RNA).Interesting, even for a chemistry-deficient dude like myself. –GregBarbera (Ladyscientist, 398 BloorSt. W., Toronto, ON M5S 1X4,inof@ladyscientist.com)

MAXIMUM ROCK ANDROLL #273, $4, 8½” x 11”,many, many pgs.It would appear as though you’rereading Razorcake. That leads meto believe you’ve probably readMRR at least once in your life. So

I imagine you know the drill bynow. One might argue they are theexemplar punk ultra-zine. Theygot the interviews, like the onewith Jesus Fucking Christ, whoare evidently some pretty funnyguys. Punk! They got the scenereports. St. Louis punk rock? Youbet! Rock! They got the reviewsof records and zines and such.Yeah! They got the news of inter-est to the discerning punk. Didyou know that twenty or so“youths” recently mobbed a pairof policemen in Greece and leftone in the hospital while makingoff with the other’s gun a fewmonths back? Awesome! They gotthe columns. Like this one, whereMykel Board describes his experi-ence touring to promote his newbook: “‘Solly, Mr Board,’ says theclerk. She’s a short Oriental with asevere Chinese accent. ‘Yaw tick-ets dis morning. You cannot useaftah.’” Ha ha ha! So anyway,

they got the…wait, what? Whydoes Mykel Board, author ofYou’re Wrong! feel it’s necessaryto phonetically write out hisencounter with an Asian AmericanGreyhound ticket clerk, especiallyas this scenario was described justparagraphs after he described hisexchange with an “Alabama-twanged” “Southern Belle”? Whydidn’t he feel the need to fuh-neti-cally renduh his encoun-tuh withthis paragon of Suthun’ sen-sabi-lahtee? Not punk rock enough?–Gus (Maximumrocknroll, POBox 460760, SF, CA 94146)

NEGATIVE REACTION$5, 7½” x 10½”, 35 pgs.I sometimes wish I’d been raisedin the U.K., because then I coulduse awesome U.K. slang withoutsounding like a wee blimey cunt.Everything just sounds better andmore hilarious if you say itCockney-like. You read the GBHinterview in this issue, or betteryet, the one guy’s account of hishaving accidentally attended aSlipknot concert, and you tell meI’m wrong, ya wee bloody tosser.–Gus (Trev Howarth, 20 NewFront St. T/Lea, Stanley, Co.Durham, DH9 9LY, England)

NOSE KNOWS!, THE Vol. 2,#’s 3-6, $?, 8½” x 11”,folded a few timesI got sent four of these to review.Okay. Topics covered by TNK!:death, cereal, cars hitting bikes,post car/bike hitting trauma,Valentine’s Day, the art and sci-ence of kidnapping roadies, longdrives, cell phones in the toilet,parodying Ben Snakepit (Cakepit!Get it?), Jesus gets pregnant,Brazil rules, America not so much,grammar, touring, talkingsnakes…no wait, that’s a talkingplant, um…yeah that’s prettymuch all of it. Kind of all over theplace, but interesting, and not tooincoherent. –Gus (Nose, 1810Riback Rd. Columbia, MO 65201)

OBLIVIOUS NATION Winter 2005, $?, 8½” x 5½”,copied, 48 pgs.While there’s no numerical desig-nation on this zine, it would seem

that Miss Oblivious, (the propri-etress of this zine) has been doingit for a little bit. Based out of theEast Bay area, the zine coversMiss Oblivious’s life and times,including her punk rock weddingceremony, some record reviews,lots of pictures of friends and herfamily, and so on. The layout’s allcut and paste with a lot of whatjust seems like garbage and pic-tures of people I didn’t know.Even though the zine isn’t small, itstill didn’t seem like there wasmuch content here. It’s almost asthough this zine was made forMiss Oblivioius’s friends and peo-ple who are familiar with her life.I thought the story of her weddingwas kind of cool, but other thanthat, I didn’t get a lot out of it.–Kurt Morris(Sailorhank2000@yahoo.com)

OX FANZINE #64, $4.50,glossy/perfect-bound, 140 pgs.What can I say about this one? It’smassive, impeccably laid out, infull-color—but is restrained andtasteful in its use of said color—features about a trillion interviewswith everyone from PennyRimbaud of Crass to Boy Sets Fireto Mike Park of Asian Man

Records to a bunch of bandsI’ve never even heard of. It alsofeatures about five trillionreviews, covering releases injust about every sonic and visu-al format available, it comeswith a full-length compilationCD and, shit, even the ads lookawesome. But it’s also entirelyin German and I can’t read aword of it. –Keith Rosson (Oxc/o Joachim Hiller, PO Box 1022 25, 42766 Haan, Germany)

PUBLICK OCCURANCES #5,$1 or stamps, 4” x 5”, 24 pgs.So Danny goes to thrift storeslooking for old yearbooks. Whenhe finds one, he sketches twenty-four pages worth of the people inthem. He claims to do a differentyear every month. The one I’mlooking at is from 1956. This is infact quite awesome. I might haveto send for some more of these.Oh, and he sends you some stick-

ers, too. Really cool stickers!–Gus (Danny Martin, 3407 ECamden #1, Tucson, AZ 85171)

PUNK PAGAN #4,Free, 5½” x 8½”, 43 pgs.So, yeah, this dude loves the punkand he loves the paganism, amongother things. In fact, he compiled alist of 100 things he loves. Someexcerpts: Mountain Dew (#7),being naked outside (#15), vam-pire books (#19), Xanex andValium (#25), taking nice, healthyshits (#29), bar food (#43),“Cincinnati chili” (#72), switch-blades (#90), and getting out ofjail (#100). If you need to knowsome good methods and times bywhich to worship the goddessBrigit, to say nothing of whoBrigit is and what significance shemight have in your life, check thisout. He also reviews some stuffand goes on an extended (thoughnot untrue) rant about Fuck theWar! Screw the Troops! CondiRice is Evil! –Gus (Punk PaganPublications, PO Box 282,Manville, RI 02838)

SLTM #22, $?, 8½” x 11”, ? pgs.This might very well be one of theworst zines I’ve ever read. And in

reality none of it is horrible, but,combined, it just seemed to add upto something intolerable. The lay-out was really poorly done withPagemaker in multiple fonts, thereviews weren’t in alphabeticalorder, the interviews were withbands and people I’d never heardof, and the columns were boringand uninteresting. The zine itselfwas released a year ago and thushad material in it even older thanthat. There’s too many fish in thezine sea to want to spend anyamount of time reading mostzines, especially this one. Next!–Kurt Morris (davejobless@gmail.com)

SLUG & LETTUCE #85, Free inperson or for postage through mail,15” x 11”, 20 pgs.Another solid issue of Slug &Lettuce. Contains the typicalcolumns, zine reviews, and musicreviews. Even with such a large

layout, before you know it, it’sover. Christine is always on top ofher game, the zines and musicreviews are well-written, and thebreadth of the columns is good,including Mike Straight’s abouthow he cons the two marketingagencies in Philly, which was pret-ty funny. I like how the ads are atthe bottom of each page, sothey’re not really distracting.There’s a good array of live shotsof all kinds of bands, too. Andwith it being free in person or justthe cost of postage via mail, it’sworth picking up. –Kurt Morris(Slug & Lettuce, c/o Christine, POBox 26632, Richmond, VA23361-6632)

TONES & NOTES, #4,$1, 8½” x 11”, Xeroxed, 14 pgs.I’ve been sent one of these beforeand, by god, if I can figure out justwhat exactly is going on with it.This much I can tell you: it isabout music, but a side of musicI’m not that all familiar with, theside that deals with composition,notation, and arrangement. Thepages are dense with informationand, while I’ve tried over andover, comprehension escapes me.The last two pages include brief

105

Guys, orange, pink, and green text on a black background (in Chalkboard font) does not aGood record review section make.” KICKING AND SCREAMING #12

zine reviews. This is the sec-ond zine I’ve reviewed thisissue that is making me feelcompletely stupid. And for thatI give Tones & Notes highmarks! Or was it the four crispone dollar bills that came withthis issue?... –Greg Barbera(Tones & Notes, PO Box 190-tn, Philomath, OR 97370)

TRYING #3,$1, 5½” x 8½”, 66 pgs.A five-part journal in whichDominic helps his mom move,leaves his hometown and allhis friends in NY to move toPortland, hangs out with littlekids and wacky middle-agedmen on the train, wears thesame underwear for a fewdays, works some weird part-time jobs, breaks up with hislong distance girlfriend, andagonizes endlessly about thechoices he’s made. It’s mostlyhandwritten, although there is asort of op-ed on genderinequality that’s typed andsome stream-of-consciousnesspoetry stuff in cursive. A littleuneven overall, but as far as theruminations on hope and loss,well, fuck, we’ve all beenthere. –Gus (dominic@bust.com)

UGLY PLANET #3,Free, 7” x 9”, 64 pgs.Man, these guys are only onissue #3? Wow. This thing issome pretty slick shit. I like thebig pictures they have of theirinterviewees, who are a prettydiverse group. In this issue aloneyou got Le Tigre, Jarboe, JelloBiafra, Naomi Klein, RamseyKanaan, and Ice-T (discussingthe different degrees of pimpin’).And those are just the people I’dheard of. Thanks to this maga-zine, I finally found out who it isthat’s been drawing all those pic-tures you see all over the damnplace. His name is Eric Drooker.Go to drooker.com and you’llknow who I’m talking about.This magazine is free, so I can’tsay I’d buy it again, but I’d defi-nitely pick it up the next time Isaw it. –Gus (Ugly Planet, POBox 205 New York, NY 10012)

UGLY PLANET #3,$3.95, 7½” x 10”, 66 pgs.Glossy cover, snazzy layout, lotsof ads, and good interviews witha range of characters from LeTigre and Jarboe to Jello Biafraand Ice-T. Of course, there werethe required CD/book/DVDreviews, and interviews withbands I’d never heard of. Therewas an interview with artist Eric

Drooker that included some ofhis artwork, but on the whole,nothing much really struck me astoo interesting. With so manymagazines out there that areseemingly covering the samegeneral fare, I can’t see why any-one would want to drop fourbucks on it, but oh well, goahead, be my guest. –KurtMorris (Ugly Planet, PO Box205, NY, NY 10012)

VERBAL ABUSE #1, $1.99,8½” x 11”, Xeroxed, 12 pgs.A stellar comic zine featuringPopeye Vs. The RepublicanParty (hint: Popeye wins!),Gooftard the Retarded GuineaPig, Farty the Crippled Robot,and more. The mind behind themadness here is AndrewBrown, and he does a good jobaping that which came beforewhile creating his own twistedvision (think Turbonegro here).The only complaint I can findwith this zine is that it’s toofucking short! –Greg Barbera(Verbal Abuse, 3210 W. WellsSt., #11, Milwaukee, WI 53208)

WELCOME TO FLAVORCOUNTRY #5, $1 (?),5½” x 8½”, 18 pgs.Raw and highly self-question-ing, WtFC is a personal zine, to

be sure, but it’s one that isalmost scientific in its self-examination. Kurt goes to greatlengths to say why he doesn’twant children. Step by step—from the perpetuation of badgenes, to finances, to theresponsibilities of raising achild—he not only asserts hisbelief of remaining childless butmakes sure the reader, in noway, shape, or form, feels talkeddown to. Another section of thezine examines—with the sametype of self-scrutiny—the tallwall he has to scale to find alady friend: a woman withChristian faith, a love of DIY(or at least a compassionate forit), who doesn’t want a child,while living in Indiana. Honestyin writing goes a long way withme and WtFC fits that bill.–Todd (Morris, 835 AshlandAve. #4, SB, IN 46616)

Hundreds more zine reviews,old and new, are being posted

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Even a Daughter Is Better Than NothingBy Mykel Board, 347 pgs.

I remember when Mykel Board first startedwriting about Mongolia in Maximum Rocknroll.I thought it was a joke. He’s notorious forpulling readers’ legs in his MRR column. He’sreally a great liar, which is what you want out ofa writer. I didn’t believe that he really had goneto Mongolia until his fourth or fifth column fromthere. Even now, after reading the columns andthe book, a little part of me wouldn’t be sur-prised to find that he made it all up. It doesn’tmatter. Regardless, the book is believableenough and interesting enough that the factsdon’t matter. You’ll find some truth either way.Even a Daughter Is Better Than Nothing is amemoir of Board’s year of teaching English atthe National University in Ulaanbaatar. Thechapters are arranged more or less chronologi-cally, but they read like individual essays. Someof them, or at least parts of them, probablyappeared in MRR (at least, when I read a few ofthe chapters, I did have a vague sense that I’dheard the story before). When taken as a whole,though, this book takes you on a yearlong trek inMongolia. You get a taste of the local flavors.You get to learn some of the customs, taste someof the food (nothing like lamb brains), and get asense of what life is like at the end of the world.The country really does come across as a bizarreland. It seems like one of the last places left inthe world that’s unsullied by globalization, that’signored by McDonald’s and Wal-Mart, sure, butalso ignored by Time Warner and UniversalMusic, which is probably even more significant,culturally speaking. Mongolians make their ownmusic, they create their own culture, they buildtheir cities and towns on their own time scheduleand under their own terms. In this way, eventhough there’s not punk rock there, Mongoliacomes across as an ideological punk rock heav-en. Certainly part of this image of Mongolia iscolored by the storyteller. Board does see theworld through his punk rock eyes. He celebratesthings that a typical travel writer would con-demn, and he condemns what a typical travelwriter would celebrate. And, at his very core,he’s the Mykel Board who you’ve come to loveand hate through his MRR columns. He’s kindalike that guy you go on the road with because heseems cool at first. Pretty quickly into the trip,you want to strangle him, and after the trip isover, you look back fondly on time spent with

him. He’s snotty andspends a lot of timetrying to figure outwhich buttons topush to really setyou off, then pushesthose buttons. At thesame time, he has alucid eye for under-currents just belowthe surface. He has atenderness, too, thatseems to belie hisrole as a contrarian.Deep down, you getthe sense that hecares, that he justwants to do right bythe people aroundhim. It’s thisdichotomy, alongwith the remote set-ting and people, thatmakes Even aDaughter Is BetterThan Nothing more

than just a collection of columns or just a travelbook. It’s a unique and powerful view of an oddman at the end of the world. –Sean Carswell(Garrett County Press, 614 South 8th Street#373, Philadelphia, PA 19147)

Getting to the Bottom of This #1By Shannon Colebank, 32 pgs.

Shannon hates America. Shannon is a genius and you are all sheep. Shannon thinks niggers should either speak

proper English or shut the fuck up.Shannon is a genius. And he hates capital-

ism.He knows for a fact that Freemasons rule the

planet. He knows that Communism and witchcraft

are the only ways to true freedom.And you’re all maggots. Imbeciles. And

Shannon, of course, is a God.Shannon hates America, did I mention that?

And all of you blathering, bleating sheep that areobviously too stupid to understand him.

Did I also mention that he’s a genius andyou’re an idiot?

This is essentially what you’re going to get,repeatedly, over and over again, in Colebank’srecent spiral-bound little gem: page after pageof vitriolic, delusional, hateful writing.Essentially, what it comes down to is thatShannon writes repeatedly how he “gets” it andyou, the reader, don’t and won’t. But he justkeeps crankin’ ‘em out, doesn’t he? Topics ofShannon’s attacks here include but are not lim-ited to: America, Asians, queers, blacks,America, punks, the American MedicalAssociation, the California Department of Parksand Recreation, meter readers, America,Shannon’s ex-roommate Kathleen, America,drug addicts, and America. You get the point:pretty much anyone but Shannon is repeatedlylabeled as a “blithering imbecile.” At times it’shilarious, at times really frightening; the depthsof this dude’s delusions run pretty deep.

An excerpt, as Shannon yet again reminds ushow much he hates America—and all the peoplewho inhabit it—and that he will eventually moveto a more acceptable Socialist country (such as,he says, Iceland): When I get to the Socialistcountry, and they ask me where I am from, I willnot defile myself with the humiliating label of“American.” I will instead tell them I am from

the Utopia I have created in my own mind (whenI was 10!), and ask them if they are worthy of it.

So, essentially, this is the sort of vocalexchange Shannon would be looking at shouldhe ever find himself waiting for a bus in Icelandor something:

Random Icelandic dude: Hey, man, how’sit going? Where are you from?

Shannon Colebank: I am from the Utopia Ihave created in my own mind when I was ten.Are you worthy of it?

That shit’ll fly like a jet, I’m sure.Like I said, his writings come across as bit-

ter, hateful, paranoid and random. There’s noreal cohesion. He repeats himself over and overagain. The themes (Shannon versus the world)get tiring. They’re also just not very well written.I mean, yeah, I get it, Shannon; you’re frustratedbecause no one accepts you as a God except you.And we’re all sheep, and Asians are all political-ly correct idiots, and “antagonistic flaming fag-gots” dress in drag for the sole purpose of being“discriminated against” and blah blah blah. Onand on. I get your shtick, trust me.

Another excerpt: I pity the average person(though I feel no sympathy) for their inability tograsp what I am talking about. It is pointless forme to explain it here, since I have already beat-en it into the ground in a dozen other zines youare too stupid to read. This is the differencebetween a shitty but emotionally balancedwriter, and one who is not so balanced: the guywho’s got some degree of solidity in his lifetakes rejection in stride and works on perfectinghis craft. The guy who considers himself a Godblames his crappy writing and lack of readershipon eeeeveryone but himself. –Keith Rosson ($3ppd. to Shannon Colebank, PO Box 5591,Portland, OR 97228)

King DorkBy Frank Portman, 341 pgs.

So this is the first novel by Frank Portman,(better known to the pop punk world as Dr.Frank, of The Mr. T Experience), a coming ofage novel for teens, which I suppose isn’t thatmuch of a surprise coming from the man whowrote songs such as “Are You There God? It’sMe, Margaret” and “Bridge to Teribithia.” Butno, this isn’t just “a book about a girl.” It’s fair-ly safe to assume Portman didn’t want this tocome off as another “I was miserable as a kiduntil I got into punk” story, but it’s hard not tosee the similarities.

The story follows Tom Henderson, wholives in a world filled with the same weird stuffyou’d expect to hear about from the MTX’s con-temporaries (or for that matter, would expect todeal with living in the suburbs that everyonetries to keep secret, as I can vouch). He dealswith excessive bullying, trying to attract girls, aswell as finally trying to start his own rock band(and, by all means, Tom’s constant name-chang-ing band still did more than my own in highschool). To make things interesting, Tom hasalso taken it upon himself to try to solve some ofthe mystery surrounding his father’s death,which revolves around The Catcher in the Ryeand the notes left within his father’s copy. All ofthe parts eventually tie in together somehow—much like how life has a funny way of doing thatsometimes.

I may not have been a teenager for a fewyears now, but I still found this to be an enjoy-able story overall. My only real complaint iswith, at times, the first person narration. There’sno way to nicely put it, but even the smartest,nicest teenagers can be pretty dumb most of the

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time (at least, speaking from personal experi-ence), so calling everything gay and retardedstarts to get a little irksome after a while, but itseems to stop after a while. The same goes forthe constant abbreviations for everything (again,I’m guilty of this NOW, let alone when I wasthat age). Overall, this is a pretty good readwhether you can relate to it now, or for nostalgicreasons. –Joe Evans III (Delacorte Press, 1745Broadway, New York, NY 10019)

Mecca MettleBy Tomas M. Disch, Blöödhag, and Tim Kirk, 102 pgs., hardbound, with CD

I’m a big fan of hard work and extremelydumb shit (And I say that as high praise). It’s arare case when “wouldn’t it be funny if…” and afull-scale project actually come to fruition. Casein point: all four members of Blöödhag, progen-itors of NorthWest EduCore, not only have thegravitas to put pen to paper and provide excel-lent excerpts from their extended bibliogra-phies—stories ranging from drug-induced hallu-cinations to The Chronicles of MightyPayloader—the book itself is exquisitely

appointed. Five-time Hugo award winner TimKirk provides the illustrations. The book’s hard-bound and numbered and signed by all thoseinvolved (including the publisher, who has won-derful penmanship). It makes me happy thatwhat could be merely a kitschy gesture—“Dude,it’s a lit-grindcore band! Bro, Phillip K. Dickand Anal Cunt, but with real words!” followedby headbutting—is such plowable creativeground with more than eight years of fertile top-soil. Blöödhag, bless ‘em. They play actuallibraries. They put out a real book. They recordactual albums. They’re not just a figment of myimagination. And it’s all in the name of goodfun, literacy, and the grand gesture that nothingbut nothing is more punk rock than learning, try-ing to be smarter than those who control us, andpushing every little boundary, page by page.–Todd (Payseur & Schmidt, c/o Alice Schmidt,PO Box 61249, Seattle, WA 98141)

Bad Religion: Live at the Palladium: DVDI’ve long had a love/hate relationship with

Bad Religion—I pretty much adore their earlywork and pretty much loathe their later work. Itisn’t so much about the whole “sellout” thingas it is about slick production and the profes-sionalism that crept into their work, which, tome, sapped the energy and immediacy out ofanything they did. Not that I hated everythingthey did later on—I’ll admit a fondness for“Los Angeles Is Burning” off the last album,and I appreciate the topicality of their lyrics—but on the whole it moves me about as much asyour average Def Leppard album, which to meruns completely contrary to what punk was/issupposed to be about. Ultimately boils down topersonal preference, I guess. If that three guitarattack played through state of the art equipmentand that big rock sound float your boat, I tip myhat to ye. I crank up “Voice of God IsGovernment” and revel in Brett’s slightly off-kilter guitar and all that agro that’s missingfrom their current output. I feel the same aboutwhat’s presented on the disc in question. Thebulk, a live set recorded at the HollywoodPalladium, is all gloss and slickness, witheleven cameras capturing every movementonstage and the band running through a “bestof” selection from nearly their entire catalogue.The band seems amiable, their performance ispitch-perfect and the kids in the audience seemto be eating the proceedings up, yet the wholespectacle feels about as edgy and spontaneousas a Britney Spears video. Frankly, I’ll leavethat part of this DVD for the punters to fawnover. What really got my blood going was the“bonus” footage of the band performing on the

legendary, sorely missed New Wave Theatre,footage (it’s a goddamned shame that, in anera where entire seasons of crap televisionshows are released on DVD, a show as cre-ative, visionary and downright essential asNew Wave Theatre continues to gather dust ona shelf and wallow in obscurity) that, while issloppy, out of tune, and poorly mixed, con-veys more spirit and sincerity in less than tenminutes than the Palladium footage managesto convey in more than an hour. –JimmyAlvarado (Epitaph, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LosAngeles, CA 90026

Lollipop Is Burning Festival: DVDA document of a set of Paris gigs, featuring

five tunes each from The Hatepinks, JerrySpider Group, Neurotic Swingers, Petit Vodo,and The Briefs. Although most of the bandshere are kinda strip-mining the same little punkpigeonhole, they do it well and the sound qual-ity and presentation are good enough that theproceedings are a hoot to watch. The Briefs, ofcourse, continue to amaze. The extras, whichinclude footage of the final Gasolheads show,assorted videos, and Kevin K performing onCroatian TV, is of varying quality. –JimmyAlvarado (Lollipop, 7 Impasse Monsegur,13016 Marseille, France)

Nardwuar the Human Serviette: DootDooLa Doot Doo…Doot Doo!: DVD

Seeing as how you’re reading this reviewin this particular rag, you’re already well awareof Nardwuar the Human Serviette. The crazyCanadian has been interviewing celebrities andpoliticians and other random freaks for manyyears now. In the ‘90s, Much Music (aka: theCanadian MTV) hired Nardwuar to… well,continue being Nardwuar. He continued tointerrogate rock stars and actors, videotapingevery second. And now, thanks to Much Music,Alternative Tentacles, and the man himself,you can watch these interviews, spread outover two DVDs, equaling over five hours offootage! What a deal!

The thing that becomes most apparentwhen watching these interviews is just howbrilliant of a journalist Nardwuar is. He’salways incredibly well-prepared, with lots ofquestions that most interviewers wouldn’t ask.

His demeanor is infectious, making hissubjects open up in a way most peoplenever see (for better or worse). Above all,the man is fearless, going to great lengthsto ask the most incredible questions. Evenwhen celebrities hate him, they respect hisin-depth research, and so will you!

Disc One features the first twoNard Wars specials commissioned byMuch Music. Nard Wars I is basically acompilation of snippets from a number ofhis interviews, hosted by Chris Murphy ofSloan. The interviews run the gamut, fea-turing Kelly Osbourne, Gene Simmons,Marilyn Manson, Peaches, Ian Mackaye,Vanilla Ice, Busta Rhymes, Timothy Leary,Josh Homme, Rob Halford, and a bazillionothers. These little snips are rounded outby Nardwuar’s top five favorite interviews,which get a bit more screen time. It’s allfast paced and hilarious as you watch somepeople “get” Nardwuar, and some peoplewho just want to beat the shit out of him.

Nard Wars II is less exciting. It’s basi-cally a half hour of Nardwuar preparingfor his third interview with Snoop Dogg…collecting info, calling his manager, wait-ing in the hotel for Snoop to show up. It’skinda interesting to see how these thingsunfold, but it’s a little boring. Luckily, thelast twenty minutes with Mr. Dogg is pureNard magic.

The first disc is rounded out withperformances from Nardwuar’s bands,Thee Goblins and The Evaporators,including live performances and musicvideos! The quality varies, but it’s all alot of fun to watch.

Disc Two is basically just uneditedversions of the bits shown on disc one.They’re even funnier this way, as youcan watch the reactions of the intervie-wees get more and more annoyed, dis-turbed, and ultimately confused byNardwuar’s consistent prodding. Hisinterview with Wesley Willis is bizarre,yet touching. His numerous Jello Biafraencounters are edited down to a thirteen-minute compilation, highlighting somepretty hilarious moments. The full lengthHenry Rollins, Gwar, and Michael Mooreinterviews are priceless. The second discalso has a few extra tidbits, and bothdiscs feature bonus Easter eggs hiddenabout (I found at least five).

As Michael Moore once said,Nardwuar is “a national treasure.” If youlike reading his interviews, you’ll lovewatching him in action. My only complaintis that I wish there were more interviews!Maybe there will be a second volume downthe road (hopefully with the infamousSonic Youth and Lydia Lunch interviews).Until then, this one is highly recommend-ed. –Russell Lichter (www.nardwuar.com)

Novel Amusements #5: DVD and zineA DVD of homemade short films and

videos, with this issue all pertaining togames of some sort—athletics, Nintendo,headgames, etc. I like the way the shortsare related to games in totally differentways. Some are real fun, a few are remi-niscent of every short film collection(office work stuff, writers block, dickingaround on a bedroom floor) but if youhaven’t seen 20,000 shorts in the last fiveyears then you will be just fine with these,

as they hit all the right marks for fun. Andif you like games and hockey fights, youwill love this disc. “Yoga Deathmatch” isreason enough to get it. The extra gamesincluded for your computer will keep youin a loop for a week. –Speedway Randy(Novel Amusements, 10 Trellanock Ave,Toronto, ON, M1C 5B5, Canada,www.novelamusements.org,)

Rock and Roll B-movie Monsters:Zombie Bot from Death Planet 6: DVD

Cartoon creator Gene Romero is backwith the second installment of the RNR B-Movie Monsters, and this shit’s funnierthan his first one, Go Go Johnny Kill!(Which can be watched on http://officialra-mones.com/site/nav.html). Without ruiningthe plot, our B-Movie Monsters fight firewith fire against Clint Howard’s evil robotwith a robot of their own—the LembotKilmaster 3000, and yes, it’s that sameLemmy you’re thinking of. There’s also theripping on Robo Cop and a very “colorful”Johnny 5 from that movie, Short Circuit.Okay, that’s all your getting—like I said, Iain’t ruining it for anyone. Gene’s cre-ations in his animations are funny as theyare entertaining, and I’m really lookingforward to his next series, Super Vato. Hisofficial animation website should be goingup around the same time this goes to print.If you wanna get a hold of Gene, you’reencouraged to drop ‘em an email and checkout his MySpace page to get a glimpse atwhat he and his lil’ monsters have been upto: eugeneromero@yahoo.com orhttp://www.myspace.com/rockandrollb-moviemonsters. –Designated Dale

Threat: DVDThe plot of this film is simple

enough—two friends, one a hip hop dudeand the other a homeless straight edge kid,bring their two tribes together and murderand mayhem ensue as the two groups clash.In theory, it should make for interestingviewing, if not successfully conveying itsmessage—which appears to be that under-dog factions should focus on fighting thegreater society than each other. The prob-lem, however, lies in the execution of thefilm. After a nicely done intro, the bulk ofthe movie consists of disjointed scenesfeaturing various members of each groupseparately prosaically waxing philosophi-cal about assorted subjects and doing littleelse. While this may have worked to somedegree in movies like Clerks, the scripthere is sorely lacking anything close toKevin Smith’s wit, and the actors makethe View Askew stable of thespians looklike a seasoned Shakespearean company.The remainder of the film, a tit-for-tatmurder spree, the result of the meeting ofthe two groups at a straight edge gig, isessentially pointless, as very little sympa-thy for the dead characters has beendeveloped over the preceding hour for theaudience to really care that they’ve beenshot, stabbed, or hit in the face with a gar-dening claw. –Jimmy Alvarado (Halo 8Destructions, 7336 Santa Monica Blvd.#10, LA CA 90046)