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January 1-Tuesday Well we slept in until around 10:00 and rightfully so we were up passed 1:00. The best parts of the day were when the girls and I jumped in and got the house cleaned really quick. We did one room and took a break then another. Dave is slowly moving in with his wife and the girls were able to move to the room downstairs. James helped me clean it, as the feeling that it was filthy, was true. We sat down together to do personal scripture time and Nakiya and I worked with Jatae to get her started in her personal progress. Attira worked on her activity day stuff studying the 13th article of faith and Zendia listened to the New Testament. She was able to teach me the story when the girls was sleeping; “they thought she was dead but she was really sleeping and Jesus woke her up.” Oh she is a dear. It is such a blessing to be a part of this new come follow me program and I am loving it. The girls are sharing more, learning more, and working more to gain their own testimonies. I cannot express my gratitude more. It is amazing. I felt impressed to not do family scripture time as we usually do and I am grateful I listened; we were able to family time with James. He does not have a testimony yet and he was upset he was not able to get to his game. He and I had a heart to heart afterwards and he was rebuked and at least apologized for his passive poopy attitude. I asked when he would be adjusted enough to have a good attitude and he responded that he does not know. I invited to have Jatae share how she was grumpy the first time too because she did not want to do it because it was different and now that we have made the change she likes it better. James listened humbly and told her he got it. I just hope he can make the changes. I have continued my workouts and eating better. I am doing about 2 workouts a day except I missed the second today with cleaning; our home really needed a cleaning. It was just so sad. I am now reading Jesus The Christ by James Talmage and I have been filled this day with greater knowledge of the Savior Jesus Christ and his plan. I have come to learn for myself that God had presented the plan and Satan presented his own selfish one; Jesus simply wanted to fulfill his father’s plan as he loved him dearly. The war began in heaven and some were cast out. I like to think I was a great defender of the truth in heaven as well as on earth. They say some fought and some just watched. My mind was opened to how agency was the thing we fought for. Agency and we need to honor everyone's agency to choose. It was Force vs freedom selfishness vs love and I chose freedom to choose and love. Jesus was foreordained to come to earth and to fulfill the atonement. He was the promise and God has kept his promise and I can look to him and live. God be thanked for the matchless gift of his divine Son. January 2-Wednesday The girls are back in school so we did our daily ritual; family scripture time from 6:30-7, exercise til 7:30, take kids to school, shower and then volunteer in Attira’s calls with Miss Dunn from 9:15-10:15. When I arrived home James wanted to go to Culver’s for his birthday; he is 37 today HAPPY Birthday to you dearest. After lunch is was nap time. The girls arrived home at 3:00 and Nakiya and I went to the temple. James was “sick” sick in the head more like it. The girls really wanted to do something with dad so he took them to get ice cream and brought some home for me. He was loving enough to make me a fire and have it burning when we arrived home so I was blessed to stay home and keep an eye on it. I worked out a second time doing some cardio; after eating we moved beds as Dave is out and the girls are now downstairs. It was a great day. I read the Book of Mormon in Spanish and marked scripture on Christ and then read Jesus the Christ by TAlmage. Now I am ready for bed. Resha, Deklen, Jayda and Tessa Cook came to the temple with us; we all had family names. I was impressed upon by the Holy Ghost that Deklen is going to be a great missionary and so I told

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him so. Resha got all teary eye and Deklen looked scared; at this point he does not know what to think. James came to scripture study with a better attitude today and he even stayed to read his Book of Mormon as I exercised. He took Nakiya to school today and complained that he “picks up mom’s slack” when he is home; stupid man or I want to give you opportunities to bond with your daughter who adores you and wants to be just like you. I text Britta daily reporting my workouts and my limiting sugar and breads. It is nice getting to bond with her over physical health. We are going on a cruise together in October; she is paying so I can take Leilani’s wedding photos. I am done being flabby and weak and want to be strong. I am getting stronger one day at a time. Right now the girls are joyously laughing and playing. Jatae did her personal progress on her own and is so excited to have one goal done and has plans to complete two more this week. Nakiya is upset that she has to share a bed when we have Resha’s kids for a week and then four days while Resha and Danny go on two cruises. Zendia is enjoying upstart so much she wanted to do it twice today and she is getting better with her letters and she is already reading some “power words”. Sunday she pointed out he, we and I in the hymn book; it’s so cool. Attira is excited to go to a friends tomorrow and is already in 1 Nephi; reading the Book of Mormon again this year. She and Zendia lied about reading today and therefore lost screen time; by so loosing they are having more fun and therefore the laughter. James does not like the “noise” I believe it is glorious; it is the greatest sound in the world. I thank Father for my agency to choose: a gift he gave me in the pre-earth life. I chose the SAvior then and God’s plan; I pray I choose it everyday. Tessa helped us figure out the hearts I am making to represent Christ gifts to us and now I get to crochet. God is good to us. January 9-Wednesday I did not want to get out of bed today; I wanted to stay asleep. I woke up anyway and we sang songs and then the girls got ready for school. I studied and then Zendia and I dressed to volunteer in Attira’s class with Ms. Dunn; I just love her. I was blessed to serve a friend in the 7th ward after lunch and then Zendia watched television while I was like a zombie; I was too tired to work and too awake watching whatever she was moving to sleep. I ate a big lunch just before the girls arrived home and then we cleaned. My vacuum is dying so that is sad. We went to Arby’s with Jatae; James and I did. It was her date with us so we ate then came home to visit with Dave and he took some more stuff; he is living with his wife now and they seem happy oh boy! We then left again with Jatae to grocery shop and get a converter thing so we can receive the free channels on television. We had to go to Best Buy in Orem for that and then we came home. I learned today that agency is a gift we need to give to all. God gave us our agency and we need to respect our own and that of others. Now I am tired. I thank Father for blessed opportunities to serve others and to care for each other. I am thank to Father the girls come home safe everyday. I thank FAther for a fire; I cannot thank him enough; I really enjoy our fireplace. I thank Father for our pets; I love them all Ellie, Cheetara and yes even overly skittish Kloe and Kenai. We get to clean tomorrow to get the house clean for Resha’s kids; should be fun. Now I read my Libro de Mormon or Jesus The Christ. January 11-Friday James and I went to the temple today; it’s an hour and a half so they cut an hour and a half. It was beautiful and James saw a friend/co-worker of his so he did not feel so lonely. The session had more people than I have seen in years; everyone trying to see the new changes. Now every

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temple ordinance work is just over an hour. I will go more often. It was supposed to be more lady friendly they say but I was not offended from the other endowment. I am happy the veil will not cover my face. James even took me to the TAdka and he does not like eating there. I just enjoy Indian food so much. I am so very grateful he came with me and did not fuss about another location; ok he did a little but he chose to please me over himself that is big. The girls were off school today so they got to clean up their messes while we wre in the temple. They did too so that is good. Nakiya, Zendia, and I took Sadie for a walk around the neighborhood; Sadie was happy about that and we enjoyed the fresh air. I read today in Moroni 7:45 and prayed Father will fill me with Charity as we embark in talking with our bishops over our records; I get the impression we are going to need it. I also turned to Doctrine and Covenants 121; God does not like it when his righteous are accused on false charges and those who do the accusing are in big and I mean BIG trouble; I would not want to be them. I know that Father is with me. If I need to repent I will; as far as Father has told me I have done all he has asked me to do. Forgiving has been rough and tough but I will forgive and pray, no plead for charity to encompass me about and boye me up. We chose to do family study time and Zendia; who normally sits quietly shared with us “Sometimes when I am mad, Jesus speaks to me and makes me happy.” She told me that when the family was all talking and when I quieted them so they could hear her she got scared. We worked on her telling herself fear of her family is a stupid emotion and she is safe to talk with us. Today we went over how God’s promised blessings come, sometimes soon, sometimes late and some won’t come til heaven but they will come. Jatae noted she is patiently waiting for her temple recommend and when she received it if will “be that much sweeter”. Attira shared that it’s like running and if we just sit there we will get no where; we have to get up and move. January 13-Sunday We have the kids with us all week; Jayda, Deklen, Sienna and Ireland. We were able to have a sit down heart to heart and forgive past things. It has been absolutely delightful to have them. We took all 8 kids to church today and took up a whole roll. I was so impressed that a young man gave on talk on the dangers of pornography and he even said the word and then a sister in Relief society talked about the dangers of pornography and it was not me. I was so impressed. We visited with Bishop DAvis and he said he loves us and loves our girls and wants to keep us in the ward. The Stake President is not wanting to ok it yet. We will continue to fast and pray that we will be delivered. Bishop Davis encouraged us that he will help us with our temple recommends. He also assured us that the ward has come to love us and he has met many in the 4th ward who remember, love and miss us. Oh my heart is healing and we are moving forward; our kids are safe. We had a late dinner; darn meat and the absent minded mother who cannot seem to plan it right. Oh well. AFter dinner we did our family scripture time. I am amazed at what the kids know and will shared. Today Zendia said “church is delicious” I love sitting around the table talking about Christ. Today we talked about he was as a youth and how the kids can have a powerful influence for good. It is wonderful how we are inspired; James just lets me lead. I kind of wonder if I can get him to work as a better team. I have learned today that children when given the chance will teach me great things. I thank Father for the opportunity to have Jayda, Deklen, Sienna and Ireland; they are a joy to have around and they get along so well with our girls. I thank FAther for Bishop Davis; I have prayed our bishop would feel inspired we needed to be there; Bishop DAvis at least loves us and our girls and wants us there. We just need President Roach to ok the exchange. I thank Father for Nakiya, Jatae, Attira and Zendia; they too are such a joy in my life I am blessed to have them.

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January 14-Monday President Nelson: how can I continue with his invitations? I am going back through the questions posed for the Sunday lessons and answering them for myself here so that I can continue to improve. I felt this morning as if I did them like a checklist and now I am done and that is so far from the truth. First request a 10 day fast from social media-since we fast monthly and i sometimes fast other Sunday’s I can keep praying and fasting to know what influences to remove. Second- Read the Book of Mormon from now til the end of the year and mark the passages of the Savior in red. This one I am doing this year in the Spanish Book of Mormon. I continue daily to teach our girls of Christ and to “intentionally” talk of him as often as possible. “Teach them how to turn to the Savior for His healing and cleansing power when they sin,” that is my mission and goal. “And teach them how to draw upon His strengthening power every day of their lives.” Third- establish a pattern of regular temple attendance. Ok this one I am going to go every week. Every other week I take Nakiya and others to do baptism and I will do initiatories. On the off week I will go to the temple and do endowments. I need to get Jatae on board with us so we are praying to get her temple recommend; I could have taken Jensen up on that one. I will pray the hearts of the Palmyra stake leaders are softened so our records can be transferred. Fourth Study the Relief society statement and participate fully in Relief Society. I have a printed copy on the folder that I use to protect my conference Ensign. I read it often I would like to commit it to memory. “We are beloved spirit daughter of God, and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction.” The Spirit has bourne witness to mine of the truthfulness of this statement. My life had meaning, purpose and direction. I know who I am, I know what I am here to do. We talked about we are here to to Father's “business” and his business is to “...bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” I would add exaltation as he wants us to come home more than I want my kids home. I asked the Anderson kids what they wanted most from their parents and they want them home; if you multiple their want by like a billion and that’s how much Father wants us home with him. I am to help bring my siblings home. “As a worldwide sisterhood, we are united in our devotion to Jesus Christ, our Savior and Exemplar.” We are worldwide, I am not alone; we have lots of help and support around the world. What other organization can say that? I am not sure another can. We are supported around the world; that is amazing. And we are united around the world; that is amazing. We are woman of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who:” Virtue: moral excellence, righteousness, chastity. Charity suffereth long, and is kind is not puffed up, envieth not seeketh not her own thinketh no evil rejoices not in iniquity but rejoices in the truth believeth all things hope all things endure suffering of all things. Vision-I know the plan, we as daughters and sisters’ know the plan we know the beginning and the end and a lot of the middle; we don’t have the details but we have the main parts. January 15-Tuesday Deklen and I put our 3D crystal bear puzzle together last night. We had two previous failed attempts and got stuck in the exact same spot. Deklen and I got unstuck this time by beginning to put the head together first and then the body. I told him he could have James puzzle if he put it together. Today I worked and then picked kids up. I had a meeting with DCSF and one of my clients and I realized again how much I enjoy my job. I want to help my clients get their kids back. I get to meet with them again in February.

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Our family study time did not go as well as planned this morning. They did not understand what they were doing. I gave them scriptures to look up and say who saw Jesus and what we can learn from them. Yah they had to take homework and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I cannot seem to communicate well with Jayda. I believe she has a strong brick wall around her heart for protection and it stops her from understanding others. What can I do to support and encourage the sisters’ participation in the gathering of Israel? Love them, teach correct principles, minister, serve and help them. January 16-Wednesday How do modern trends mentioned in President Oaks message work against Heavenly Father’s plan? The trends are women bearing children, delaying marriage, and children born to unwed mothers; Heavenly Father’s plan is to have families and all of these go against the family so they go against Father’s plan. What examples of faithful women exemplify that woman of faith see their greatest fulfillment, their greatest happiness in home and family? My, my mother, My grandma Helen Morris, My Grandma Vera Jensen, Other stay at home mothers, Ali in the 7th ward, etc How can I encourage our girls and other young woman to follow President Oak’s counsel? I need to teach them the plan of happiness and salvation, I need to teach them that they are unique daughter of God and he has a plan for them and He loves them. TEach them who they are, that their lives have meaning, purpose and direction. January 17-Thursday Jeffrey R. Holland, The Ministry of Reconciliation: What insights do I gain that can help me heal my own relationships? I experienced relief when Elder Holland said what God was not saying when he said forgive others. He was not saying we cannot feel pain and anguish, He was not saying we have to enter into an abusive relationship. What he is saying is that we can have kind feelings for the others along with our pain and we can keep a safe distance with kind feelings if that relationship puts us in danger. Like with Garrett and Anne; this is a dangerous abusive relationship for us, I can forgive them and have kind feelings for them but we don’t have to hang out with them. The nephew is another abusive and dangerous factor for us to have kind feelings for them and not hang out with them. Dallin H Oaks Truth and the Plan: How does understanding “restored gospel truths” help us when I face opposition to my beliefs and practices? “We find true and enduring joy by coming to know and active upon the truth about who we are, the meaning of mortal life, and where we are going when we die.” Both of President Oaks talks teach the plan of salvation/redemption/happiness. Family is the center of God’s plan, our family relationships are not just mortal relationships they are ETERNAL; existing forever. “The purpose of God’s plan was to give His children the opportunity to choose eternal life.” Jesus Christ, God the Father, and the Holy Ghost Satan *Jesus, the Only Begotten of the father would rescue us by a universal resurrection to a life after death. *The Savior would provide the atonement to pay the price for all and to be cleansed from sin on conditions of repentance. *Has all power over evil *Encourages repentance *True revelation

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*Encourages choice and accountability *Gender is an essential characteristic of premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose *Marriage is ordained of God-The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood. The commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force today. *Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of holy matrimony and are to be reared by a father and mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Opposition to what is most important to Father Destroy God’s work Discredit the Savior and His divine authority Erase the Effects of atonement Discourage repentance Counterfeit revelation Contradict individual accountability=blame others Confuse gender Distort marriage Discourage childbearing January 22-Tuesday We had a great week with the kids and they went home on MOnday. Attira was not ready to have them go home so she cried and then cried again this morning. They were home like 10 minutes and then they were facetiming and playing rodblocks together. Today I worked. I tossed and turned all night so i was really struggling to speak Spanish today. My client and I laughed together. Kathy and I then sat through a five hour audit which was very helpful to aid us in improving our business; at least in accordance with state code and what not. I realized from my tossing and turning I am upset with James for keeping porn as an option; he was caught almost looking but not yet there. Since he has not talked to me about it; and tries to ignore it and it will go away; I am distant and now I know why. Silence is not always golden. Ignoring an elephant will not make it go away it will just poop and make it stink and you won’t be aware or smart enough to clean it up. Poop let gets worse with time. Elder Eyring Try, Try, Try: HOw will I know I am making progress? I am trying to be like Jesus. I guess it’s by me taking a personal inventory on a regular basis. Sienna gave me the kindest of compliments telling me she was impressed that I was not yelling at Deklen when he was behaving poorly. I really appreciated that because I have tried to keep calm when I discipline; I am not always but I can see I have improved. I have improved on keeping boundaries, on naming how I really feel/emotional intelligence. I have improved at forgiving; I can actually do it now. TAke notice. It is like me exercising; I am feeling the results as I can stretch further than I used to. I can do more without feeling like I am going to die. And God will tell me if I ask him. He has told me he is pleased with my progress so I can know I am progressing by his words through blessings. January 23-Wednesday Elder Uchdorf Believe, Love, Do: Happiness=BLD Hopelessness Believe in Jesus Christ Love Jesus and our fellow man Do as Jesus did

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We are daughters with meaning, direction, and purpose. Ministering: needs, wants, comfort, happiness, aid, serve, care for Compassion Obedience: if you love me keep my commandments. Lift Help Healing Kindness Mercy Come-Become Welcoming Loving Kind Sincere Perfectly imperfect/painfully imperfect Willing to sacrifice Desire to be like Jesus Trying Want to be less selfish More compassionate More refined Believe Him Love Him Love His children Do as He did=healing, peace, happiness, meaning No purpose No direction All vanity Sorrows creep in Sadness saturates our days and casts deep shadows into our nights Pain darkens our stillness Tragedy enter Life is vain and devoid of meaning Selfish Ashley had her son Henry yesterday or the day before; not sure exactly. 20 hours of labor and he came in a small man weighing 9+ pounds; go big or go home little man. Zendia and I looked for the letter bB today in her book. I am praying she can have the letters all memorized by school next year. James is upset I prayed he would be humble; he needs it; scared him and me we will have trials but he needs to humble himself so he can choose it or I am praying for it. Either way I pray he comes to trust in God’s promises and learn to ask for help. We need a new roof, insulation, the fireplace brick is falling down and needs to come off, i want a new kitchen that functions and has cupboards not empty walls. Oh and he is worried about the main line to the road; I believe God will hold that one. We need help that is for sure. God has helped; James and I have both received raises and when Zendia is in school I will work more. Oh and now I get to translate our forms to Spanish so that will give me hours at home and I need to do a Gottman training. God please deliver us and

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light the way. Oh and we took the carpet out and need to do the flooring in the dining room, we need to paint and new curtains because when I washed them they got...destroyed is too harsh but yucky may describe it. Anyway it’s time to paint and new curtains. Fun right. Father this is my plea for help financially; we need friends or someone who can teach me, serve us, or exchange talents. January 24-Thursday We took Jatae to the temple for the first time today. Oh what joy filled my heart as I walked toward the house of the Lord with two of our ladies. James worked last night so he was home sleeping. Attira is now 9 so she was excused to watch Zendia. It was beautiful and wonderful and oh so joyous. We have two years before we can do with same with Attira. And I discovered my temple recommend is up this month, I thought it was next month. I have an interview set for Sunday. Elder David A Bednar Gather Together All Things in One All Things in Christ: What does it mean to “gather together in one all things in Christ? What can we do to receive the promise at the conclusion of Elder Bednar’s message? We are promised increased perspective, purpose, and power will be evident in our learning and living of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Believe in Christ, Trust Him, rely on Him, follow Him, press forward with Him, will full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God. Or in President Nelson’s words making a conscientious effort to talk about Him more. It is learning the gospel one step at a time or line upon line but keeping the old and intertwining the new; like a continuous rope it will get stronger with time and as we add truths to our character and obedience in our behavior. It is by doing the small and simple things that bring about great things. Like mother Teresa said, “There are things you cannot do that I can and things I cannot do that you can and together we can do great things” or something like that. James makes the Sabbath not so delightful and he fights me. In Elder Bednar’s talk he teaches us that we spent a year studying how to make the SAbbath a delight so we could use that day to fortify our faith and our families. Why is James struggling so? Football… It was preparation to shorten the meetings so we have more time to study the gospel in the home. James wanting to watch football made that all the more difficult. Elder Bednar also mentions that these new changes are to help us grow our faith in God’s plan to help us become like him. We must repent and trust Him to change us and clean us and make us better. He can, He has changed me. He has made more out of me than I ever imagined possible. He can do that for you and for all of us. Trust Him. Repent in His name. Apply the cleansing, changing and merciful power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I will make greater efforts to talk of Him more daily. At home and abroad on the land or the sea!!! January 25-Friday Elder D. Todd Christofferson; Firm and Steadfast in the Faith in Christ: What can I do to be firm and steadfast in affliction? Increased purity, exact obedience, earnest seeking, feasting upon His words and His love for me, regular temple attendance and family history, lose myself in the service of others, pray, work hard, rely on Christ, turn to Christ, turn to James and the girls, ponger, talk to those we trust, pray some more, ALWAYS remember the promised blessings of good to come, maintain faith in Christ, virtue in Christ, vision in Christ, charity in Christ, and remember I have meaning in Christ, purpose in Christ, and direction when I remain focused on Christ. I will be converted to Christ and will not depart from his ways no matter what others may say; even members or my siblings may say. I will keep His commandments and be steadfast in Christ, immovable in Christ, willing and diligent to keep his word and share it with others. I will trust Him continually, and reach out to fellowship my brothers and sisters. Jesus Christ will be my defining focus; He is my set meaning in life.

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I was prompted first to look at the statement for the Relief Society and thought it was just because I have a desire to memorize it. Father knew this talk would add greater insight if I worked on the purpose first then read this talk. Because I am a daughter of Christ and my life has “meaning, purpose, and direction” this talk added insight that I have those In Christ. I am a woman of “faith, virtue, vision, and charity” again in Christ. I am following the Prophet twice in participating fully in Relief Society and in making efforts to be more diligent in talking of Christ. Firm: not soft or yielding to other sources but remain fixed on Jesus Christ. I will not shake or tremble but be steady in Christ. I will not change my focus or my center; Jesus Christ is my focus and my center. I will be steadfast and unwavering in my devotion, love, and testimony of Christ. I have a plethora of witnesses that God is real, Jesus Loves me and the Holy Ghost has borne this witness to me and I cannot deny it. I will be firm in my purpose in Christ. I am firmly fixed in place and I will not be moved. How firm a foundation!!! (Hymn 85) “Fear not, I am with thee; oh be not dismayed, For I am they God and will still give thee aid. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand…..I”ll never, no never, no never forsake.” I can trust Him; we can all trust Him. Trials are a part of life. They mold us, break us then grow us to become like Him. I want to be like Him. I will suffer long and trust in His redeeming love. I will suffer long with a smile and gratitude for this opportunity to live and prove myself an hair of eternal life. The plan, REMEMBER the plan. The plan of salvation, mercy, happiness, redemption, the plan of God to make us what He is. And we get to choose; we have the freedom to choose; agency is the greatest of gifts for us and God honors our agency and we must honor the agency of all men; like He does. January 26-Saturday Jatae and I just had a wonderful mother daughter learning session regarding the plan of salvation. She is going to teach with me tomorrow to pass off one of her personal progress goals. She is like having a new daughter. She is funny and smart and so open. We talked about how much she hated me and how she believed everyone was out to hurt her and how if someone looked at her for too long she thought they were going to hurt her and she never felt safe. By choosing to forgive and let Jesus Christ take her pain she trust me again and feels safe. She shared with me how we have the gift to choose what to do just like she can choose to like a book or not. I have my daughter back and she is allowing me to be an influence for good in her life. We went shopping today as well and found backpacks on sale for only $11; originally $25. The girls received some needed shoes too. Jatae wanted some more plastic shoes and I said no; she asked me several times one and I responded, “Stinky feet.” she was upset and attempted to argue with me and then settled on what I allowed her to choose. She repented pretty quickly. We got some sunday shoes for Attira and Jatae as well. I had a great day at work as well; I do so love my job. We ended the night doing scripture studies; I have a blessed life. James has missed me and has instead of turning toward me he has pushed me away like he does. Why does it take him going to work before he gets it? We have to fix the fireplace as the bricks are coming down. He is stressed about that and the roof which is another priority. We cannot afford not to fix the fireplace as if it falls someone could die or get injured. Kevin and Janell came to visit yesterday; that was a pleasant surprise. We enjoyed some good conversation for about an hour. They were in the area visiting Cori who is now in a sober living home. My heart ached for them all and I pray they can make it. Sometimes the hardest thing parents have to do is honor a wayward child’s agency. January 27-Sunday

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We had a lovely Sabbath day and I believe it was a delight. Nakiya and I received our temple recommends today. I was blessed to teach the beehives in young woman's today. Nakiya and Jatae helped me teach. Those two get a little overwhelming in the class when they help me. Other than that we had a great class learning about the plan of salvation/mercy/happiness/redemption. In sacrament meeting I wrote about how my mission was really difficult and how I struggled but as exquisite was my pain so was my joy. At home I snuggled with James until he had to get ready for work. The girls and I had a scripture study together and talked about the baptism of the Savior and our own baptism’s. It was good. Now I cannot wait to go to sleep; I am really tired. January 30-Wednesday For family fun night we went to the BYU art museum where we saw the most incredible stick art; this artist made a hut like structure out of sticks he intertwined and we are talking life size stick hut. It was mesmerizingly amazing. Downstairs was the pulitzer prize winners so all were disturbing. One picture was of a girl hunched down in a ball; the picture itself was not disturbing but the story was and the girls felt the pain of all the girls who have ever had their genitals mutilated; we had an emotional crisis and therefore we sang hymns of Jesus the whole way home. We then talked about the evil in the world and how Jesus makes up for it all. SAtan is really good at causing destruction, anger, evil, pain, etc in his wake. Jesus will heal it all. It made for some really honest and open conversation about what is lovely, praiseworth, and of good report according to Godś way vs the world's way. Tuesday I worked and got my assessment done which had caused some turmoil; I feel happy with the result. Britta and I are working together via text to eat less sugar and to stay healthy and workout. It has already been an incredible journey of bonding and strengthening myself physically along with our relationship; I do so love my sister. Today I am finishing up Elder Andersonś talk: Neil L Anderson Wounded. How are we like the man in the parable the good Samaritan who fell among thieves? The truth is we came to earth to be tried and tested. We are tried and tested physically, emotionally and spiritually. The ¨thieves”can be satanś temptations, physical illness that rob us, emotional pain etc. That was just super cool just

now the Spirit bore witness to mine of the ẗhieves”of our lives. In what way is Jesus Christ our Good Samaritan? He cures all, he heals all, he compensates for every weakness and shortcoming. He completes us. He will comfort us, bring us peace, heal our wounds, carry us, strengthen us, and give us hope. Like when I was on bedrest with Zendia; I remember thinking how Did Jesus feel what I am going through in three hours when I have to do this for months? At that moment the peace and strength i had; essentially the HOly Ghost left and I was left empty and terrified. I quickly being wise repented accepting I got it sufficiently enough to know I needed the Holy Ghost. I was then again filled with support, love, peace, comfort and hope; all fromt the SAvior and HIs atoning sacrifice. HOw can we accept his healing? WE can trust him and let him have our pain. We make a choice to allow Him in our hearts. WE make a choice to accept our weaknesses, sins, and shortcomings and then we choose to let Him fix them all. He has delivered me from the enemies in our old ward, he has delivered us into a new ward that accepts us for now. He has healed the hurt I have felt for being blamed, accused, and mocked; he has delivered me. He has delivered me from those who doubt me, he has strengthened me to do things I couldn't have done without him. He has taught me we are here on earth to suffer and overcome. Long suffering….aka charity WE had, or just me I am not sure; the most incredible scripture study this morning. We began with a random look at the Wise men and the Magi in the Bible dictionary; I learned that the wise men

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were like prophets sent by God to see and then to testify of His son. They were not astronomers but righteous men who were ¨Spiritually sensitive”who had knowledge, who had studied the word of God and knew what to look for and who they were searching for. WE then went ot Luke 3 to learn more about John the BAptist and his mission to preach repentance. We read in the Joseph Smith translation how he first testifies of Christ and Christ mission to save us, to clean us and to point out our ¨ungodly”behavior and how to change it. Then we are told Christ will fill us, bring us low, make us straight, and smooth. Nakiya noted that even though John was describing the valleys, mountains, paths, and more he was really talking or it could be interpreted that he will do those things for us. Tomorrow we get to learn more of repentance; we we repent Christ brings us low, he is the light that helps us see our sins, he then makes us straight, and smooth and fills us with his love and his perfection. He changes us. Tomorrow we will look at repentance in the Bible dictionary; I just love teaching the girls what I used to teach the world in my head. Hahahhaha. The fireplace came down tonight; it was a safety hazard. It took some arguing before James could see how important it was. The girls were super excited to carry the bricks outside; Nakiya was a great door open and closer; Attira and Zendia carried more bricks than even I did and Jatae is on mandatory get your poster done for school. On the upside Kevin is going to come tell us what to do and I have Britta and Arnold as well and Stetson will be here Sunday; between them and us we will get it safely done. We are hoping for a little bit of rock and then some tongue and groove paneling so it will look like a cabin interior. I asked James if he could just be happy because I am happy; this is what life is about. And father told us he would shed light on the subject for us. The roof will get done as well. February 1-Friday Elder Gary E Stevenson-Shepherding Souls: Isn’t it remarkable how such small efforts can have eternal consequences? Yes, yes I believe it is remarkable. Got told us that by small and simple means great things are brought to pass and he was absolutely right. It is small and simple means or in the Book of Mormon it talks of plain and simple things. I am a fan of bot statements. I like to keep things plain, small and simple; it’s easier and the outcome is remarkable. How do I know I am ministering in the Lord’s way? Am I assisting the Good shepherd in the way He intends? I guess I can know if I am doing it His way. His way is to follow His example. He served with love, he knew their names, their needs and their wants. He taught them of Him, he prayed for them in His name, he comforted them and he invited them to follow Him. I must pray for my sisters’ and my partner, I must seek to serve in love, pray to love them, be with them, minister to them to strengthen them, visit them, lift them up, and encourage them to follow Jesus. I must take a personal interest in them. Jesus Christ is the good shepherd and when we choose to trust Him and stay in the safety and protective arms of His flock the predators cannot kill us. The predator may harm us, but he cannot kill us. We must never and I repeat never stray from the safety of the flock. The leaders of the Church are sent to assist the good Shepherd. The prophet, the first presidency and the quorum of the twelve are all called to assist the Good Shepherd. Our Stake President, our bishops and local leaders are called to assist the Good Shepherd. I am a mother and as such I am called to assist the Good Shepherd; so essentially we are all called to assist the Good Shepherd. “Every man, woman and child in the Kingdom of God is a shepherd.” Life is full of hardship; wind, rainstorms, sickness, injuries, drought, and just about every hardship you can imagine. The predator will attempt to lead us astray and get us lost that he may eat us. I encourage all of us to stay in the safety of the flock; stay with the Good Shepherd. Arnold and Britta came to look at our fireplace. He says it’s super easy to frame it and he probably has all the pieces already due to all the extra he keeps. OUr worry now is if the fireplace itself is safe.

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James is saying yes, Arnold is not sure. He was going to see if a friend of his could look at it. I don’t want to lose my fireplace; I really love our fireplace. February 2-Saturday Well I make quit my job, it’s a matter of prayer and fasting. Kathy came at me again today with a lot of accusatory “you, you, you” she accused me of not listening, ignoring others, and focusing all my attention on one client. She accused me of being loud-of which I am guilty and then proceeded to say how loud people are loud to intimidate others and dominate the conversation. Wow, does it get better. Oh she did compliment me for leading group and then told me how she was irritated because I lead group and it did not go the way she expected it to go; shocker. I will give her credit she did comment something about that is why we are not supposed to have expectations; you think. Yes now I am mocking her. I told her I did not like the way she was talking with me and that I felt hurt by her accusations and that I wanted a time out; oh now she tells me I just run from my problems. That I am the problem and I just cannot see that I am the problem. And all of this after the second week of her attacking a client and arguing with him in front of group. Both time the client has told her she was not listening to him and not understanding him and today she took it father by telling him he just kept coming at her. I do not wish to run group with her anymore and if I stay it’s because I don’t have to co-lead with her. As I am leaving work Kathy is still commenting that I am the problem and I cannot see it. Well then, I will pray I see it or she has a dream revelation and she sees her problem. She told me she wants to teach me and I want to learn so I told her just be nice. Oh she even played the God wants us to be companions card; I really don’t like when people use God to excuse contention; contention is of the devil 3 Nephi. Oh and last week she was irritated with me because I talk too much and I am too giddy and talkative. On the bright side Kathy is illegally seeing the victim of my client and she tells me he is sending inappropriate emails so I am now supposed to talk with him and get info without him knowing I know. Well I prayed and God delivered us both. The client confessed; not that they were bad emails but that is ok. He confessed and we were able to talk about his good intentions may put him in jail and he heard it. Victory to us all!!! I was full of energy, angry energy when I arrived home so we had a family counsel; I shared the story; my supervisor is crazy and we will now fast and pray for me and our future. My license expires in March so whatever I do I cannot do until I renew my license. I feel bad that more pressure is on James and I am beginning to truly doubt myself. Maybe I will be like dad and voice my opinions and feelings and get fired over and over. I really want to get Zendia in school full time and go work at the jail with inmates. I would like to see if we can get her in all day kindergarten just so I could work more; we shall see what Father has in store for us. February 4-Monday We had a super-bowl party yesterday with Mom, Dad, Resha, Danny, Sienna, Ireland, Deklen, Jayda, Stetson, Debi, Treygan, Daxton, Zayden Aria, Wesley, Ryker, Ashton, and Addison. The food was delicious; Wes brought Bug Buddy soup with crawdad’s in it; yes I tried a few they taste like shrimp only less and harder to get to. YOu have to pull the crawdad apart because yes they put the whole crawdad in to cook so it’s eyes are staring at you. I had this fear it was going to reach out with it’s pinchers and get me but it’s dead. Anyway it was a fun experience. I ate some sugar; banana cake and a couple bites of ice cream. The company was glorious as usual and the game was the most boring I have ever watched; it was 3 to 3 until the fourth quarter; there was a bit more in that quarter as there was one touchdown made. I shared my testimony and quoted the Family a Proclamation to the World which lead brother Sherwood to inspiration to ask us to speak next week. Nakiya, James and I and the two are

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already plotting to get sick. I am in heaven as I love to preach the gospel and share my love of Jesus Christ. I felt heavy laden when the family left and tool the love with them and support. I began to think of Kathy again and therefore turned to my scriptures. Father tells me to continue in the ministry and that not everyone listens to His will. That made me more sad, He must feel sad too when so many of His children whom he wants to shower with love and blessings don’t listen to Him. I feel sad just from the few I have to raise. If I am obedient I will be blessed. Sadly, satan will try all he can to stop me from doing good; I wondered why because I am not Joseph Smith, or Ammon or an amazing prophet I am just me. I guess satan will try to stop everyone no matter how insignificant they are. And lastly I am to fulfill my calling as anointed by the bishop. I am not totally sure what that was about; maybe a calling that may cause fear is coming or to which I might want to say no, or doubt myself. I have lots of doubts here lately; lots. Then I had bad dreams that James was married and I was a widow with the girls and in his generosity he and his wife took me in and then she wanted alone time with him and I was livid and tried to stop it as I wanted it first and felt like it was mine so I chased them down; he was willing until the girls came in and needed me so I left and they finished their business before I returned so he was like I am done and don’t need you even though I still needed him and he was trying to run from me and I was trying to stop him and the girls kept coming in and I woke mad and frustrated and sad. It’s similar to a dream last week where James and I are on a cruise and he tells me to return to the room and he will be there soon but I don’t know where the room is; mom and dad show up and are trying to help me; then I want to go back and find James; I need him. When I do find him he is dressed in his uniform and he sees me and does not want me to find him so he turns and runs. I am like trying to be stealthy and hide to sneak up on him and he looks at me like I am a cop I see you. So he leaves and I stand there confused and dumbfounded like I have no idea what just happened but I let him leave knowing I cannot stop him. Kathy texted and asked me to meet at noon, I said no as I have my daughter and I have some errands for the day. She returned the text for later this evening; again I said no as it’s family night. I will hold my boundaries; my family is first and foremost in my life. If God sent me her he can send me someone else who will allow me to put my family first within reason. I do worry than another location will give me crazy hours or won’t work with me and my family. But then God usually sends us something better unless I have sinned and then I would get worse to teach me a lesson; in that case I would want to quit. Will I give up my nets to follow Jesus; does that mean my boundaries? Elder Dale G. Renlund: Choose You This Day. It was this talk, I have been thinking about and searching for this talk having faith I would find it through my readings. Satan accuses while Jesus helps, encourages, and lifts up. Satan wants our misery and Jesus Wants us to experience joy and peace. Satan yells, screams, punishes, discouraged, and leads us to experience despair. Jesus does the opposite as previously stated. Satan spoke against us in the premortal world, he continues to denounce us here on earth. “He seeks to drag us down. He wants us to experience endless woe. He is the one who tells us we are not adequate, the one who tells us we are not good enough, the one who tells us there is no recovery from a mistake. He is the ultimate bully, the one who kicks us when we are down.” Accuse means to charge with a fault, offense, or crime. To find fault or to blame. That is what occured in the meeting with Kathy. Satan “accused” us day and night and continues to accuse us day and night. We shall win by coming unto Christ having faith in Him. We shall overcome satan “by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony.” Rev 12:10-12. Satan is coming in his wrath because he has a short time. He denounced me in heaven and he denounces me daily. My thoughts

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of feeling inadequate or not good enough come from him. My feelings of self-doubt come from him. Day and night he attacks because he lost and wishes me to be miserable like unto himself. Agency was the first gift we were given; before we knew God’s plan we were given agency to choose. I said that last Sunday believing it and now I have validation. “The very first thing before beginning our world here, the Lord said, I’m going to give you your free agency. I want men and women that are strong because it is right to be strong. I don’t want weaklings who are righteous only because they have to be righteous.” Spencer W. Kimball 1976. I just love this; it was in the footnotes. “But God is not interested in His children just becoming trained and obedient “pets” who will not chew on His slippers in the celestial living room. No, God wants His children to grow up spiritually and join Him in the family business.” Elder Renlund’s words which coincide with the footnote. February 5-2019 I walked into the lion’s den today and just like Father said I was asked to move on. I can completely agree with Kathy that we have different ideas and beliefs now. I have no desire to be like her in fact she has given me more reason to never want to own my own company. Those who get a little authority forget God and then use his name to hurt others and lift themselves up. She tried to tell me I could not make contact with clients and I said whatever I will let them know. She told me she would take care of my Spanish Client and I said you cannot you don’t speak the language. She finally relented to let me stay on for him and then later gave me another Spanish client; she does not want me there but she wants the money so she had to let me stay at least for my language gift. They after I took down my shelves she made a rude comment about how disappointed she is and how ugly; well duh did you think I would let you keep them? Three time I had to tell her James and I would fix it and three times she did not hear; who is not listening now? Mom was right, the faults you see in others are ones you have yourself. She tried to tell me I had stuff of hers and she would hold my check til she had it; idiot I put in on the shelf as God talks to me too and I was prepared to leave. She began by saying how she had prayed and fasted and gone to the temple and felt at peace with letting me go. That’s funny my dear and I laughed at her inwardly knowing Father had told me she would be like the wicked Noah and his priest and would try to burn me but cannot until I have finished my work; that is probably my Spanish friends. Father also commanded me to be like the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s or people of Ammon who would rather die than fight against their brethren; so today I spoke not a word of what I thought; like your a crazy devil spawn and I am so thankful to not have to work with you much longer. And I will release myself of exacting justice and leave that up to Father. As for hope 3 Nephi 1:11-14 “And it came to pass that he went out and bowed himself down upon the earth, and cried mightily to his God in behalf of his people, yea, those who were about to be destroyed because of their faith in the tradition of their father.” it’s when the saints were to be killed for believing Christ would come. “...and behold, the voice of the Lord came unto him saying: Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world, to show unto the world that I will fulfill all which I have caused to be spoken by the mouth of my holy prophets. Behold I come unto my own, to fulfill all things which I have made known…” Father will fulfill his promises to me if I pray with faith and remain faithful and obedient. Earlier James and I read when Zeezrom tells the people he was guilty of lying about Alma and Amulek, he is kicked out of town and Alma and Amulek are thrown in jail. Eventually the walls fall down and they are free and then the town is destroyed. I followed Kathy because Father commanded me to, I helped her build what she has and took minimum wage to help her do it and once she got the reigns she accused; only the devil accuses.

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I also read about Charity today in 1 Corinthians 13: you can prophecy, and move mountains, and speak with the tongue of angels but if you have not charity it mattereth not. If your heart is not in it; if you are weak and only being obedient because you think you have to then your fruit is nothing but noise. We have to have charity which suffers long, is kind, is not puffed up, thinketh no evil but rejoices in the truth, seeketh not her own, believe all things, hope all things and endure all things. Charity never faileth; I honestly don’t feel like there was any real charity from Kathy. My perception is from her it’s all noise; empty noise. Be Strong because that is right not weak. I have learned much from Kathy and here lately she has taught me how to harvest fruit I don’t want to have. February 6-Thursday Attira has confessed to me she has not been nice to her friends; she has been trying to boss them around robbing them of their agency. We talked last night and she felt prompted to write them each a note of forgiveness. She wept today and tried to stay home because she is scared; yes it is difficult to apologize when you have done wrong; being the lovely mother I am I yelled at her and told her she will feel better after she give them the letters of apology. I look forward to hearing how it turns out. This morning we learned about Jesus calling himself the Son of God and how the people would not accept him. The girls discussed why? That they did not believe him. We further discussed what he was telling them and how they felt nothing great could come out of that city. Today it’s being prejudice of others from where they come. Nakiya admitted she might have struggled back them because it was new for them; she believes now because she has prayed and read about Jesus. The people of his day would have needed to do the same and then trust the promptings they felt. Elder Renlund-Choose You this Day” How does Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ help me choose obedience? He encourages me, he uses a soft voice, he respects and honors my agency, when I ask he sometimes tells me what the outcome could be if I choose his way; I usually like his way. He even warns me when the journey may be long and sufferable. Yah, that’s it he warns me; through dreams or scriptures what to expect and then reminds me that he will deliver me. What does Their example suggest about how I can improve my efforts in my family and our ministering? With God nothing is impossible; I need to trust him; I want to trust Him. I know that to my own strength I am weak. I cannot do anything right or well or good without Him. I need Him. I need His love, His support, His guidance. He has helped me before; He has changed me before and He can do it again and again if I am willing. Am I willing? I sure hope so. Ulisses Soares: One in Christ: how does the Amazon River represent members of the restored Church of Jesus Christ? We are all trying to flow in the same direction; we all bring different “minerals” or “dirt” with us as we flow and together we are striving to follow Jesus Christ. If we can come together and look over our differences and honor our differences we can do great things and our influence will stretch out farther than we can imagine. What does this comparison teach us about the influence new members can have? New members have new life which can renew ours. New members bring new joy and different life experiences which can enrich our lives. February 8-Friday I read 1 Nephi 13: the battle is not over Kathy will continue to try and destroy me. The good news is FAther will not allow her to completely destroy me. We have a hotel in Salt Lake this weekend for our anniversary. It is way colder than it was 14 years ago. When we were up here for our honeymoon it was warm and sunner; we had jackets, ok I had a jacket and James had a t-shirt. This weekend it’s way cold, there is snow and James is sick. So we are laying down and being lazy; that’s nice too.

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February 10-Sunday We returned home yesterday on our anniversary to pick up the girls from Danny and Resha’s; they had a great time there. We spent about an hour visiting before we left. The rest of the day we spent cleaning up our home; learning that not be willing to help is selfish and declares a hatred for mom instead of love. Through God’s love and mercy our family scripture time was about putting others first like the Savior did; here he had been fasting for 40 days and then was left to be tempted of the devil; he resisted and then his first thought was not for himself but for John who had been thrown into prison so he sent angels to bare him up. A coincidence; I think not; it was all in God’s plan as we were ready to teach it and the girls were ready to learn as we had the problem earlier. Today Nakiya and I are speaking in church; James is sick….still. TAlking sounds better than being sick. I was not sure how to begin my talk and Jatae gave me that when we looked at her personal progress. Integrity 7: liste the issues, trends, and problems that weaken the family. Read the family a Proclamation and write how you will strengthen your family; there was more but for this I have enough. Anyway that is what I needed to begin my talk to discuss an issue or trend working to destroy the family. I have never seen myself as less than James but i know that we are not the same. We are similar in many ways but we complete each other. There are things that i can do that he cannot and there are things he can do that I cannot and together we make great things. Mother Teresa said something similar to that. We are each other’s help meets as we do help each other and are the opposite of what the other needs to complete his or herself. The big issue I will cover today with the Spirit is that our gender is essential, the patriarchal system is perfect when done in God’s way. Elder Holland shared with married couples in the philippines that we all need a specific job to fulfill. I am to nurture; James is to preside over us in love and righteousness, to provide the physical spiritual needs of our family and to protect us from the adversaries darts. I am to nurture and we are to work together. Circumstances may necessitate change or a rearrangement “adaptation” of our duties but we are to work together with family. From the Strength of the Youth I learned “Many problems in the home come from family members speaking and acting selfishly or unkindly.” Wow that pretty much sums it up. Any argument, contention, or problem is caused by selfishness and unkindliness. My talk looks like a jumbled mess. However, I pray the Spirit will tell me what I need to share. He has taught me much this week about marriage and family and brought much to my remembrance. The scriptures teach “take no thought beforehand what you will say… but treasure up words of knowledge and it will be given you in the very moment you need it” or something close. I am going to need the Spirit to make sense of it all and to keep it in time. I could speak for over an hour on marriage. I mean I have led groups in the past and shared one principle for an hour and a half for up to 32 weeks. That’s a lot of knowledge to put in less than 30 minutes. I need the Spirit that I may say what this ward needs to hear not what I need to say. I need to know what experiences will make the biggest difference for them. This is my prayer that my mouth will be filled in the moment I need it. February 11- Monday OUr talks went well yesterday and the Spirit was present. Many members thanked us for the Spirit we brought and our message. Love your spouse. I now know both scholarly and spiritually why the family is the central unit of society. I was feeling a little under the weather today; spent the time on the couch. Zendia and I still did preschool and her upstart. She is beginning to read and she gets discouraged. She believed she

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had to get it right to get a medal; I got to tell her the medal comes for the time she gets on not what she gets right. She calmed right down and did what she needed to do. She and I went through her letters and she knows more than she used to. She learns different than her three sisters; I have had to change my teaching and I have had to pray a lot. The Spirit has whispered to just keep moving forward. Zendia does not like to color as much as the first three but she unlike them likes to write her letters; the older three did not like writing letters but liked to color. Zendia also is doing more with her numbers than her sisters. This Zendia of ours is in a league of her own. We failed to turn the alarm on so we did not wake in time to do family studies before school. WE did it after cleaning and dinner. We enjoyed learning about the respect and love Jesus had for his mother as we learned of his first miracle when he turned water to wine, when he cleansed the temple, and when he spoke with Nicodemus concerning being born again. We invited the girls to write what example Jesus has set for them. James shared that Jesus is a “fierce defender” of truth. I thought that was cool as JEsus is. The Holy Ghost whispered to me to ask James his favorite hymn and he tried to get out of it. I finally told him the Spirit prompted me for a reason so he found it. Hymn 172, In Humility Our Savior. Who knew? It was spiritual food for us all and I learned my spouse is tender and I so love that about him. Jatae was happy because her favorite Jesus video is when he cleanses the temple; when asked why she declared because he kicks out all the sinful people selling in his Father’s home. For me I never want to bring evil into our father’s home; I want to be clean and holy through the blood of His son and I want to always listen to Him. Attira really wants me to mention her; she is afraid I don’t talk about her. She is a sweet joy in our family and a loud voice for what is right. She got in trouble today for yelling at a boy to stop assuming she liked him. Oh she tells me she did not yell at him she wrote him a note. She said she did not have to take care of it as her teacher Ms. Dunn already did. She really did say she liked the boy. Apparently that has changed; James and I teased her that she broke our rule as she is not allowed to like boys. “Yes i am”, typed Attira. She is literally sitting next to me reading what I am writing. No you may not type something else. She like Owen and McCoy and when you read this you can laugh. Nakiya cried today and told us she was dumb because she was getting some math problems wrong. We told her to take a time out and breath; she does not have to get them all right and if she is struggling to take a time out. We also told her to not listen to the negative lies; they come from satan because Father would never talk to us like that. He is always kind and Nakiya is smart; we all have small struggles. And that leads to my personal scripture time; I read Lift Up Your Head and Rejoice by M. Joseph Brough Second Counselor in the Young Men general presidency. We all have struggles it is part of life. Jesus Christ had struggles, he was beat, abused, spit on and he spoke not a word; he endured it. I too will have struggles. What struck me as something new and what I need right now is that he talked about ALma and how Alma was weighed down with much sorrow for the sins of the people and the Lord came to him and told him to be of good cheer because he had been faithful in keeping the commandments. Alma 8:14-15? Alma learned we can go through struggles but we can always rejoice when we keep the commandments of the Lord. My struggle with Mt. Grove is not over; I have clients the Lord wants me to help. I have pain for the sins committed against me by those I have loved so tenderly for so long. And I can rejoice and look up because I know that I have kept the commandments of the Lord. WE can always rejoice when we are obedient to God and he will allow this experience to make me a better person. February 12-Tuesday

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We had an incredible study this morning. The Spirit was definitely the teacher as it did not go the way I was originally thinking. The girls got to fighting James jumped in and pride swallowed us whole. James left the table after calling me bad names; which left me to rebuke the girls. The Spirit impressed upon me to read in the Bible Dictionary on the Pharisees as this was one we missed earlier. Sure enough they were lifted up in pride. Nakiya was prompted to say that Nicodemus needed humility which added to our discussion because we need a large dose of humility. Because I have President Ezra Taft Benson’s talk on pride in my Book of Mormon we talked about what pride is and how we all have way too much of it. We did not talk it was a rebuking. The girls all apologized. James took longer and finally apologized when I arrived home. I worked today with my Spanish clients. I did group and then an assessment. I felt weird when Kathy came it but I know I am doing what Father wants me to do. I don’t know how long it will last. I was blessed with a short nap before the girls arrived home. Then we studied our scriptures together. It is the small traditions we keep that make the big difference. We have family prayers often, we study our scriptures together, we go to the temple, we attend church together, and we go to the temple together. We are trying and if we train the girls up they will know the truth when they are old. I wonder if my siblings will return to the Lord when they are older. The girls had all their activities today. Zendia is a stink now in regards to upstart; I am not sure if it’s worth it. Nakiya thinks Isaac is getting closer to talking with her and she enjoys that Loni who knows nothing of her dreams tells her she is going to marry Isaac; Loni is a friend and fellow polynesian. Jatae is happy to be the second smartest when it comes to math and Attira’s teacher moved her away from the boys who tease her so she won’t be distracted and Attira thought that was a great idea. James was naughty this morning but he still brought me the key to work as I forgot it was in my purse. He apologized when I arrived home and of course I frankly forgave him. I love that stink. Jatae is helping me cook more and more for her personal progress and she helped me make spaghetti pie today; it was delicious. She asked her father for the Jurassic park lego game for an early birthday and he obliged her; the girls are now playing it. I am going to read we borrowed more Who was ??? from the library. I love those books; they are true and a quick read. People really are fascinating and our normal everyday stories are better than any other made up book in my opinion. James received a calling today. He is not sure he can fulfill it. I asked if he wanted to serve and he got mad; he has stupid thinking that I am “coming at him” when I just want to ask his opinion. I care about what he thinks, why is that so hard to believe? February 13-Wednesday We had another Spirit directed studies. Yesterday I read I need to teach our girls the importance of the sacrament and I wondered if I had. Today we read about the woman at the well and how Jesus is the living water. Jatae mentioned we need to partake of the sacrament which lead to why it’s so important. We have homework to learn why we want to have the Spirit with us always as the girls did not know that. So God answered my question and we have an opportunity to learn more. I LOVE this new come Follow Me program; I love teaching our girls it is the best calling ever and I will never be released. Oh how glorious is the gospel of Jesus Christ. Oh how wonderful is our great and merciful God!!!! Zendia and I went and volunteered in Attira’s class with Ms. Dunn; we just love serving and we love Ms. Dunn she is amazing. I had prayed one of my children would get her. I have watched her through the years and I just liked her. Attira was nervous as she had hear rumors and they were just that rumors. Or they were naughty children complaining that Ms. Dunn demands respect as she

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must. Attira has loved her and I have loved her. Father answers even our unsaid prayers as I had never knelt down and prayed to ask Father I just hoped; God answers those prayers too. Bishop Dean M DAvies Come, Listen to a Prophet’s Voice: “As with the early Saints, so it is with us today: the Lord has revealed and continues to reveal to the President of the Church the patterns by which the kingdom of God is to be directed in our day. And , at a personal level, he provides guidance as to how each of us should direct our lives, such that our conduct may likewise be acceptable to the Lord.” “Come listen to a prophet's voice and hear the word of God.” 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?” Temple is a holy place where ordinances for the living and the dead are performed for exaltation. Our body is a temple in which we receive ordinances say baptism, receiving our endowments, washing and anointings, and in which we are sealed; ordinances which pertain to exaltation. The temple is a place where the Lord may come. Our bodies are a place in which the Holy Ghost can come and be with us; we feel it in our hearts, hear it in our minds, and taste it with our souls. Building and properly using the temple is one of the marks of the true Church”. Building and properly using our bodies is a one of the marks of a true disciple of Jesus Christ. What building blocks should we put in place in order to make our lives beautiful, majestic, and resistant to the storms of the world? Read, study and learn to love the book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is the word of God, Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world and joseph SMith was a true prophet called to restore the gospel of Christ to the earth. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the kingdom of God in the earth; it’s not just a church it is the kingdom of God. WE have living prophets today who speak the words of God. President Nelson leads and guides God’s kingdom today. Build on faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, temple service, family history, keeping the Sabbath day Holy, beginning with the end in mind; President Nelson works the habits; and staying on the covenant path. In order to sustain the Prophet we are to have faith, confidence, and pray. We are to pray for the prophet. If I listen and hearken to the prophet I will be more assured and confident in the Lord. I will hear the word of the Lord for me. I will feel God’s love. I will know how to conduct my life with purpose. I have felt this promise as I have gathered our family for scriptures study. I have felt more assured and confident in the Lord, I have felt God’s love and I have known how to conduct my life with purpose and meaning as evidenced by our morning miracles. By following the prophet and truly sustaining him in word and deed I will be built according to the Lord’s divine pattern for me, and I will reap eternal blessings. I want my “body” to be the temple God intended it to be, the temple he sent me here to build. I want that temple as my own. I want to do God’s will for me. I will follow God’s plan for me holding fast to his word and his love. I will work and I will pray; I will always walk in his way. And I will be happy on earth and in my home above. February 14-Thursday-Happy Valentines day Our family scripture study did not end well; again James attacking Jatae. James, Jatae, and I had an intervention while the others went to get ready for school. Jatae feels like her dad treats her like she is five and he does. The goal is to get him to see what he does and repent; confess and forsake. Jatae has a wall of protection and rightfully so that she is on guard even when dad is nice; she needs to forgive. The Holy Ghost told me to tell Jatae to forgive and take down her wall. She also has a belief that she cannot make mistakes as that somehow makes her no good; the holy Ghost told me to tell her it’s ok to make mistakes and learn from them; it does not change our value. I had the same problem and was like 20ish before I figured it out. I told her not to be so stupid or slow and to choose now to believe me.

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James was more hard hearted and refused to see what he was doing. It took some kindness and reminding him we love him and telling him to change his beliefs that we are Not “shit” or any other word he uses and we are not a “waste of time”. This is a serious problem and we are working together to make it right. Does he have bad behavior yes, do we love him yes will we forgive him yes. Relax being rebuked is not the end of the world even if it is uncomfortable. The whole time I am thinking about my conversation with kathy and how I don’t feel genuine love from her which made her rebuke seem like an attack and she was attacking me for what she had just done. So I was prompted to soften my rebuke to James as to not appear like Kathy and remind him of my genuine love and long suffering for him. He eventually did admit he is not nice to Jatae; it was rough and almost sarcastic but we will take it. He went to bed and I went him to kiss him even though he wants to be mad. He will eventually get it he always does. I also told him I don’t really enjoy him when he comes to family scripture study; he chases the spirit away. He tells me I do not adequately take care of problems; I disagree. He needs to change his way of thinking about me. Scripture study is not the time for grumpy James. We still need to discuss this one. I am thinking I won’t wake him anymore; he is an adult and if he wants to join us he can wake himself. And if he does love us and want to join us he has to be happy about it. No more Mr. contention, I am going to do all in my power to yell at someone today. More to come on this one. Nakiya was all depressed about Valentines as she is 12 and all alone. Wow, really? So i lovingly rebuke her and encouraged her to put others first and to make it a day to show others love. Jatae told her the reason we celebrate Valentines as she had learned it again in school. St Valentine married couples even though it was against the law and was killed for it. He also performed miracles of healing. I also told Nakiya that I spent over 25 years without a “valentine” and will most likely have been alone longer than she will be so stop moping. She repented and decided to do something nice for her friends and guess what happened? Oh my she got happy again. Put others first. Jesus Christ did that when he thought on John the baptist in prison and sent him angels to minister to him right after his 40 day fast and temptations of the devil; Follow Jesus and put others first. Have you sufficiently retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers? To be honest no, I don’t believe I have retained sufficiently and I need to repent. God delivered them, he always does. My fathers have not been in captivity; for the most part my history shows a history of freedom. So I must reach back and remember the captivity of my fathers in the Book of Mormon and remember their suffering to better appreciate and use with humility my freedom. Have you sufficiently retained in remembrance his mercy and long-suffering towards them? Sadly, again no. I need to better remember his mercy and long-suffering towards them and towards me. Ah man I am not passing this evaluation well. Oh well, now I have something to improve upon. Have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance that he has delivered their souls from hell? Now I can say yes to this. I try to reflect often how Jesus delivers us all from hell. He most definitely has delivered James and I from hell. Our first 10 years were hell; addiction was a diseased that nearly killed us both. God in his mercy saved us both from eternal destruction and from a divorce which would have destroyed our family. God delivered us and has kept us safely together. We are happy now and have been for 4 years now. Were they destroyed because of their being encircled about with the chains of hell? They were not destroyed. Were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed? Yes, yes they were. The bands of death were broken the chains of hell were loosed. I felt this our bands of addiction death were broken and our chains of misery and hopelessness were loosed. We were delivered. This is the captivity we are to remember; the captivity of addiction disease. Our bands were loosed and our souls did expand, and we did sing redeeming love. We are to remember sufficiently.

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On what conditions are they saved? The condition of faith on the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, and baptism and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. What grounds had they to hope for salvation? On the grounds of Jesus Christ and his atoning sacrifice. What is the cause of their being loosed from the bands of death, yea, and also the chains of hell? Again on the cause of Jesus Christ. Did not my father believe on the words of the Holy Prophets? Yes, yes we do and some of them did. Does the Holy prophet speak the words of God? Yes, yes he does. Follow the prophet. As we have followed the prophet there has been a mighty change wrought in our hearts. As we have put our faith in CHrist we have been saved over and over again. Have you been spiritually born of God? Yes, yes I have. Have you received his image in your countenance? I sure hope so. This has been a lifelong goal of mine that when others see me they will see the love of their SAvior. I want his image in my countenance and I strive for it daily by reading and studying my scriptures, by going to church, and keeping the Sabbath day holy, for gathering for family and personal scripture time and prayers. Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts? I have, oh my heart has most definitely changed. I used to be selfish, worried to make mistakes, believing I had to do it alone. I believed God was a couldn’t wait to punish me God to knowing the truth that he is a loving, kind, long-suffering, patient, encouraging FAther in heaven. Do you exercise faith in the redemption of him who created you? Yes, yes I do. He compensates for all that I lack. He fills in where I have not and he has done so much more with me than I ever imagined was possible. Do you look forward with an eye of faith, and view this mortal body raised in immortality, and this corruption raised in incorruption, to stand before God to be judged according to the deeds which have been done in the mortal body? Yes, I do look forward to the resurrection and judgment day. I was just talking with mom and realized she is 79, dad will be 80 in June. The time they have left is short. There are a few that make it to 90 or even 100 and they are few. The reality is there time is at hand when they will return to their FAther and Mother in heaven. I will miss them. I began to cry and mom teased me that I am not allowed to cry yet. I responded it was better to cry now with her then I won’t have to later when she is not here; she laughed. I look forward to the resurrection so I can see my parents, and grandparents again. I miss my grandparents and what keeps me going is the hope and faith they still live and I will see them again some day. I feel so much sorrow for those who lose loved ones and have no faith in the resurrection; that would be miserable. February 16-Saturday We drove to St. George yesterday with Resha and Jayda; Jayda has a soccer tournament this weekend and REsha wanted free lodging. We have had a great time together; we really should get together more. Resha and I want to get mom and Trina together with other sisters, if they so choose, and come down here for the Tuacahn which is a place where they do plays. The team has lost all their games but we have enjoyed watching. Last night we froze watching. This afternoon the sun was up so it was pretty nice. I really enjoy being with my siblings and I just think we need more time together. Today we went shopping down the strip and purchased and dress for Nakiya. WE looked for Jatae and found nothing that she liked or that fit her. Jatae is a bit harder as she gets something in her mind and it takes longer to find it. Nakiya is just happy with whatever. We did get some family scripture time in this morning with Resha while Jayda showered. We had a nice time doing an overview of what Jesus used to teach a lesson. It hit me today that Jesus compared his own body to the temple and that is what he says our bodies are. I have heard it for years and I know there is a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants; but today I realized it was Jesus who first said his body was the temple and ours our too. We need to take care of out temples.

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February 19-Tuesday Bonnie H Cordon Young Women General Pres. Becoming a Shepherd: We are to see our sisters, really SEE; Know and understands their needs and wants; and gather them into the fold of Christ. Meet them where they are at and walk with them. JOin them, feel with them; we are going to need emotional intelligence. Alma 5:16 on…. Can I imagine God saying to me, “Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, yor works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?” I think I can as he has told me he is pleased with what I have done thus far. I have tried to keep the faith. Right now I need some kind feelings for some but other than that I believe he would say I did good works. Do I think I can lie to the Lord and he will save me? No, I do not believe I can lie to the Lord. Do I have guilt for setting at defiance the commandments of God? No, I do not set them in defiance. I trust God that if I keep his commandments he will bless me and keep me as his own. Can I look to God with a pure heart and clean hands? I believe that I can. I have loved and suffered long. Again I need some kind feelings. So not completely pure. But close; I am pure in that I am not trying to justify my feelings; I am trying to find kind feelings for them. Can I look up, having the image of God engraven upon my countenance? Yes, I believe he is becoming engraven on my countenance and if I am allowed to terry then I will have him completely engraven on my countenance. My life goal is that other will look at me and see him. Have I yielded to the devil? Sometimes but mostly I yield to God. How would I feel if I had to stand before God with my garments stain with sin? I would feel terrible. I would want to run and hide or simply disappear. What would these things say about me? My sins could testify that I was a horrible person. I want to Can a sinfilled person sit down comfortably with the prophets whose garments are cleansed and are spotless, pure and white? No, I don’t imagine they would want to sit down in such a crowd. Oh but I do. If I have experience a change of heart, and if I have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, can I feel so now? First let me be clear I have experienced a mighty change of heart. I have felt to sing the song of redeeming love. Do I now? Yes, I believe I do. I was able to listen to Kathy and agree with her suggestions, and to take it farther I was hoping she would have some suggestions to share. I can sing the song of redeeming love now because I remember Christ saving me, and he keeps saving me. Have I walked keeping myself blameless before God? I try to always and I mean always do things God’s way. So when I am talking, I try to stop and think how Father would say it. I try to do his will and keep his commandments because I know that his way is best. I try to stand blameless and with all that has happened to me in the past couple of months being blameless has saved my life; not my ward or my job but it has saved me. If I were called to die today could I say that I have been sufficiently humble? Yes I do; I have improved so much in this area. I actually know what humble feels like. I believe everyone must know what that feels like because if you don’t know what it feels like you have never experienced it. Humility feels peaceful and sorrowful all at the same time. I know that as to mine own strength I am nothing, I am weak and I know that with God all things are possible. I can do all things through him who strengtheneth me!!!! Can I say my garments have been cleansed and made white through the blood of Christ, who has come to redeem his people from their sins? Yes, I can say he has cleansed me from my sins and that my garments are white. REpentance truly is a wonderful gift Christ has given me and I have given myself. In family scripture time we read about having “quickly having kind feelings for” those who hurt or offend us. Well there is Annalee and Garrett who accused me of abusing James; yes, I said James. So

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it had to be emotional abuse because if they think I can abuse him physically then that’s offensive to James. And emotionally is really, I mean really offensive to me considering all I went through with him. Stupid people. So I must have kind feelings for them. So I pray their marriage is happy and last for all eternity. I would like to email them a congratulations on their sealing. Next is my mother in-law. Once again she sucks the live out of those closest to her, my father in-law looks like he has aged 20 years in just a few month. She is a manipulative self centered person. She plays those who are only ward members as if she is the sweetest most loving person alive and the truth is she is a facade, a mask she plays so well for others to see. But the reality is she is selfish, all she cares about is herself. I can see past her facade; she is selfish and vain. She wants the “bells and whistles” and she wants others to get them for her and wants to do absolutely nothing to earn it. She is sick because of her own life choices; she made herself the way she is. Dad wants me to get her life story knowing it’s all a lie but it’s “true to her”. I don’t want my kids to know a fake just because she thinks it’s truth does not make it true; so no dad, I will not write a fake story for her life unless you allow me to note it’s all a facade and she was delusional with the truth being she was selfish and gave up on life. She was sick in the head and pretended it was her diabetes. She used a plethora of excuses to excuse her from being a good person. And dad enabled her selfish behavior; he loved her alright and never had the courage to be honest about her. She is currently losing her mind; literally she is hallucinating dad has woman in their bed with them. She has left a wake of pain and i have done a lot of cleanup. Last for now, is Kathy. She did not listen to God and I am still there because God has a work for me to do that Kathy cannot do. I will be there until God’s work for me is completed. I need to have kind feelings for her. She did wrong and I will smile and do my work. I even allowed her and will continue to allow her to influence me for the good. I will not miss her when I leave. I will think kind feelings for her. February 20-Wednesday I was so blessed to sit with mom and type more of her story as she read it to me. My favorite part is when she goes off on a memory and just talks. I so love hearing her story. I wish she would have shared more as we were being raised. I felt a little sad that I am 40 and just hearing my mom’s story. I hope James and I remember to share our stories as the kids are being raised so reading it will be like a review. Nakiya, Jatae and I went to the temple today. I did initiatories for our family and they did temple names for baptism. It was more busy than usual so Nakiya was just being baptized when I came down. Jatae had just finished. I was privileged to be with them for the confirmations. I so love being in the house of our Lord with the girls. I look forward when Attira and Zendia are there as well. February 21-Thursday Alma 5 continued: Am I striped of pride? Well, I do try. I know it is my weakness so I have inserted President Ezra T Benson’s talk on pride into my scriptures. We just looked at it last week as our family struggles with pride. I try to not boast in what I do; I have come to know I cannot do any good without Christ in my life; I give him the credit most of the time. I do love to receive compliments but even that is getting harder as I know it’s not me and I just want others to look to Christ. I do want to be an instrument in the hands of God. I love God I do not have enmity; I am not opposed to God or in opposition to his teachings. I want to do it His way. I don’t hate my fellow man either. I am not hostile or unfriendly to my fellow man either. I want the best for them and for me. I want others to succeed. I have worked with leaders who cared more about themselves and what others thought of them then they cared about doing God’s will; I hated it, it was miserable.

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I know that God’s way is better and I cannot figure out why we would not want to do it his way. I am quite content doing his will. I served faithfully in scouts even though I wanted to serve with my girls. I loved those boys and I still do. I really enjoy seeing them. I don't’ want to rebel against God. We allowed DAve to stay knowing it was God’s will and we would lose our home if we did not. Dave needed us and it was hard but we did it for God’s sake. My heart is soft; in fact it’s very no extremely soft. I am highly intune with my emotions-emotional intelligence is what I like to say I have. I am repentant and want to make right the error of my ways. I will change any opinion to be in line with God’s opinion because it’s his opinion that matters most. He is all knowing so why doubt him? He knows where I want to go and what is best for me better than I know myself so why would I rebel against that? I am content with what I have and I am not looking to gain more. I am content that others have more than us and that’s ok with me. I am happy with what we have. I understand that I am only in competition with myself and no one else; I do not need more than what others have. I am good enough a me and us. “Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” I have no need to compete, I am good enough as I am. We all have a divine nature and destiny; I pray we all fulfill our missions in life. I accept that I don’t always have to be the best. I accept that there are things you can do that I cannot and that there are things I can do that you cannot and together we can create so much more than I can alone. I am not sure if I still have some pride in that I do love compliments from man. However, I know that I “...would...do well to have the pleasing of God” as my motive. Is it? Is my motive for the compliments or to please God? I know that pleasing God is easier and more rewarding. When I prepare lessons or talks I so sometimes care about pleasing the ward. I must repent and look to always please God; yep I need to repent and have pleasing God as my motive. Am I stripped of envy? Most of the time. I have to be honest in that there are times that I envy others. Like when Alexis got to do a lot of traveling one year; I wanted that. But guess what I was not discontented and I did not wish to stop her I just wanted the same so I prayed. And This year I get to travel more; we are going on a cruise and we may plan a girls trip with mom, our sisters and our daughter; that will be so much fun. I may wish I had what others have but I am not discontented by it. I admire others and still feel joyful with what I have. I see qualities in others I would like to possess but I don’t begrudge them I strive to become like them if it’s possible. Again in all honesty I don’t envy others so I am stripped of envy; I really really really enjoy being me. I really really really appreciate what I have and know that I am unique and there is no one else like me. Sometimes I wish others could benefit from being like me; that is my pride talking. I like being me!!! James and I were talking yesterday and he shared that some of his coworkers talk about what they would do if their families died. James tells them he possibly would not marry as I am one in a million and there is no one like me; no one could replace me. He says he would marry older so the woman was more mature. I told him she would lack my mature funness and he said he would take maturity over fun. I am irreplaceable, I say with a smile. Do I mock my brother and sisters persecute them? Oh, I surely hope not. I feel so bad if anyone thought I was mocking them or persecuting them. I love everyone; I may not agree with what they do or like their behaviors but I know we are all brothers and sisters. I know we all have weaknesses and I want to be patient with them so they are with me. I know we are all divine and can do more than we give ourselves credit for. There is so much pain in this world and I don't’ want to add to it. If I am not of the fold of the good shepherd of what fold am I? Satan, there are only two folds. Can I deny the truth? No, no I cannot and if I did I would be a liar and I don’t like liars so I cannot deny the truth. I know too much. Do ye not suppose I know of these things of myself? I do, I do know these things of myself and by the spirit. How do I know of their surety? They have been made known unto me the the Spirit of

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promise. I have studied daily for years, I have fasted and prayed to know the truth and the Lord has borne witness to my heart and my mind that truthfulness of these things. I have received my own personal revelation that these things are true. I must repent daily of those sins which I commit. I want to repent, I want to be made clean, I want to be made whole through the atonement of Jesus Christ. I then in turn must and will joy in inviting others to come unto Christ and to repent and be made perfect in Him. This is my testimony and my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ Amen!!! Nakiya had a rough start to the day. The window in the garage door broke when she shut it and then the band in her brade broke. I pray she is able to apply the enabling power of the atonement and make it through today. She wanted to talk with Josie too a she is feeling sad because of some of Josie’s behaviors. I pray the Spirit is with her. February 22-Friday Wow, we just got home from shopping for food. We woke up to snow this morning. Zendia and I walked to school with Jatae and Attira. I am trying to encourage Jatae to stop hiding behind those stupid bangs of her. She has been hiding for so long I just realized yesterday she was really pretty. I saw her because Nakiya and I pinned her hair back out of her face. She hides for safety; she is afraid to be herself. I told her how much I loved seeing her face and I want to see more of it. We studied more concerning loving our enemies. This is currently helping as Nakiya is struggling with her friend. She is not feeling loved or appreciated. She thinks she has to cut ties totally and the Lord is telling us to pray for those who don’t like us. Nakiya slept with me last night as she had been having a hard time sleeping. She feels sad about her friend. I am dreaming every night of being accused of things I am not doing. In my dream I dreamt we went to visit the 4th ward for Samantha Skaggs and Bishop Bird and the young woman were trying to accuse me some more for stuff I had not done. I am fighting them every night and I don’t want to fight. I want to sleep in peace. I seem to be accused a lot here lately. February 23-Saturday I already appreciate having Saturday’s off. I would not even be home by this time and I was home so I worked out, we did family scripture time, the girls were rebuked for eating a weeks worth of apples in one day, we cleaned, we napped, and we snacked a few time. Now we are doing our personal scripture time. I read yesterday in the Ensign one general authority was told on his mission to read Josephs’ Smiths vision every day. We are going to do it for at least a week. Today It stood out to me that Joseph was attacked by satan from his infancy because satan knew he would be a thorn to his kingdom. Maybe that is why I get attacked so much now? Brian K Ashton Second Counselor in the Sunday School General Pre. The Father: God the FAther Attributes: Knew me in the spirit world, taught me in the spirit world, and loved me. Now He Knows me personally, He provides me with the conditions I need to progress, He provided me with the Savior, He gives good gifts, He hears and answers my prayers. He gave me agency, he ensures that eventually all things will work together for my good. He give me daily bread, he give me daily the bread of life both physically and spiritually. He strengthens me and helps me keep HIs commandments. He give me good gifts. Heavenly Father delivers me from evil, He weeps when I am suffering, and all my blessings come from Him. Heavenly Father guides me and gives me the experiences I need based on my strengths and my weaknesses and choices so that I might bear good fruit. He will chasten me when I necessary because He loves me. He is a man who will counsel with me if I ask Him. He sends me the gift of the Holy Ghost which gives me glory, intelligence, light, and power. Heavenly FAther sent His son and gave him power to overcome death and hell. We can also be resurrected and freed from spiritual sin if we allow the power of Christ atonement to be active in our lives. He makes it possible for me

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to return to His presence; He will help me become like Him. If I am righteous I can go home to Him; He will wipe away my tears and I can live with Him in a state of never ended happiness. He is endless and eternal. He is perfectly just, merciful, kind, long-suffering, and wants only what is best for me. He is Love. He keeps His covenants. He does not change. He cannot lie; He keeps His promises. He is no respecter of persons. He knows all things--past, present, and future--from the beginning. He is more intelligent than us all. He ha all power and does all that He takes into His heart to do. He can see things I cannot. He has an eternal perspective. His joy, work and glory is to bring to pass my exaltation. He would never require me to suffer more than is necessary for my good or the good of my family. I guess than that I am suffering many wrong accusation here lately for my good. At least I can stand with a conscious void of guilt knowing I have continued to follow God’s plan and I an void of offense. He cares more about my exaltation and happiness than I do. Brother Ashton quotes our scripture Doctrine and Covenants 78:17-18 “...Ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the FAther hath in his own hands and prepared for you; And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along, The Kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.” I am to be like Father; meaning I am to parent like he does and act as he does and be as he is. He will help me grace for grace. Gift of agency Gift of the Holy Ghost Gift of grace: I need to crochet something for my tree for these three. February 25-Monday Am I taking upon myself Saviors name as He would have me do? I don’t know I would have to ask God. But as I will read Elder Robert has some things I can further evaluate. First he says taking the Saviors name upon myself means I see others as he sees them. I can see my clients as God sees them; good men and woman who have made some wrong choices. I can see my kids as God sees them. It is a sweet moment when I look at Zendia and I see a piece of heaven; she is currently yelling cheers on my phone; she likes to video herself. Her sweet smile is contagious. I see a sparkle in Nakiyas eyes that reflects heaven when I look at her. She enjoys choosing the right and I know God can trust her. They are all divine and so when Nakiya broke the glass on the garage door I remembered first and foremost she is a divine daughter and her mistakes are not her. I was worried more about how distressed she felt. God sees Attira as a funny girl and is pleased with her loudness. I think He laughs much when she speaks. She is a great defender of what is right. I believe God sees Jatae with a little concern and knows she is struggling a bit. I feel concerned for her; she will either be a great defender or a rebellious destroyer; we don’t think there is a middle ground for her. God is so pleased when she has her spiritually filled moments and he is sad when she rebels. He will honor her agency as will I but oh how I pray she will choose to be the fierce defender. I struggle seeing Kathy as God sees her; unless he is upset with her for not listening to her. God can be upset with others and I know he still loves her but he is not happy with her choices and her

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behavior toward me. So yes I can see others as God sees then. I can see when he is pleased, concerned and angry and I still love them as God does. How does God see? God sees the whole truth. He looks upon us with fatherly care and paternal regard. He loves us. He is not blind; he is aware when we sin. He suffereth long with us, he is not easily provoked, he is not puffed up. He hopes all things, he endures all things, he rejoices in the truth. He sees our wrongs, our weaknesses, our successes and he loves us no matter what. Can I see that everyone is a sacred being? Sacred means connected with God. Can I see that we are all brothers and sisters and children of God? I believe I can most of the time. I definitely see it more than I used to. Could I improve? Probably. Honestly, sometimes I more compassionate to those with earthly struggles outside the church then in the church. I guess I believe those who are faithful should behave better. I need to understand them as they are not as I am. I hold myself to a higher standard and therefore I hold other members in the same way. That is not fair to them. I am a fierce defender of truth and I expect others to be like me and there are not me. I can be more compassionate to my ward member family and other members of the church. Can I imagine my Savior letting me and my burdens go unnoticed by Him? No I cannot and I was brought to immediate tears as the HOly Ghost bore witness to me that God is aware of my struggles and my burdens. All are children of God. All are redeemable. Can I imagine Him turning away from someone with doubts about their place in God’s kingdom or from anyone afflicted in any manner? No, no I cannot imagine God turning away from anyone. EAch soul is of infinite worth. As we see others as God sees them we receive a double victory; redemption of those we touch and redemption for ourselves. SEcond to take His name upon myself I must submit to His will, gather Israel, and let my light so shine. Do I know anyone who does not need the power of God in their lives? No, everyone needs the power of God. Does everyone believe they need God’s power? No, many persons believe they can go it alone. The trick is to get them to know and understand they need His power. To purify my heart I need to: hear Him, repent of my sins, become converted, and love as He loves. Converted means--to be changed. Have you received His image in your countenance? Have ye received a mighty change of heart? I just answered those. AM I converted to His gospel? Yes, I am converted and I have always known it is true. HOly-dedicated or consecrated to God or devoted. Called to serve Him Heavenly King of Glory, chosen heir to witness for His name. Far and wide we tell a fathers story. Third to take His name upon me I must trust Him. I do trust Him, most of the time. Sometimes, I will be honest, I forget or I get distracted but when I remember to trust Him I am always and I mean always filled with peace and reassurance that he will deliver me. In any of life’s travels, why would you ever turn away from the only Savior who has all power to heal and deliver you? I do not know. I hope and pray I never turn away from Him. February 26-Tuesday Happy 13th birthday to Nakiya, you are a great blessing to our family. You bring so much joy and emotional maturity to our family. To celebrate we took the family to Arby’s; Nakiya’s choice. I drank a large Jamocha shake and actually did not get sick but I was worried I would. We had some great family time. As per tradition we shared Nakiya’s birth with the family as we waited for Attira to finish up with activity days. The girls had new beginnings that night where they introduced Jatae and all the other new beehives. Our ward has encouraged us to visit every temple in Utah and do baptism. I am excited for that challenge. They have also challenged us to read the Book of Mormon before October. Again Challenge accepted. President Moody from our stake presidency taught me

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something I had never heard before. He talked about the endowment as a preparatory for becoming like queen Esther; comparing her year of preparation with our endowment. Endowment is a gift; that is what the word means as well. I could crochet a heart with a crown. February 27-Wednesday I worked my last day yesterday and left feeling like God had abandoned me and did not care about how I felt. The ex-boss said God had told her who to call to replace me. She is like a witch and a snake that pretends to be all good when inside she is a ravenous wolf and she uses God’s name to hurt me. If she is listening to him then God wants to destroy me like she does. She found someone who speaks spanish and is willing to help her. HOwever, miss I am so honest and follow all the rules liar; according to law he cannot work with her until after he completes training. He set it up but has not completed it. On the up side I am relieved to not have to see her again. She is not a kind of friend I want. I have been trying not to be mad at God but she makes it sound like God wants me gone when it was her that wants me gone. God said she was not listening to him and you cannot teach someone who thinks they know it all. God also said I had to do what she said; if she wanted me to stay I could stay and if she wanted me gone I was to go. It was her choice not God’s. I am grateful to be typing it is helping. Furthermore, God sent this man so I would not have to work with the devil any longer. She was mean, manipulative, and passively aggressive like a snake. I am feeling more relaxed than I have since she freaked out on my and transferred her bad behavior onto me. She is not a goo person; she pretends she is and wants others to believe she is but she is not the kind of person I want to be or be around. In my desire to be mad but not be made with God; he did rebuke me a little. He knew i was trying to be faithful but he also knew I believed he did not care about my feelings and was going to continue to bless the snake. I learned that God will be merciful more often than just. Mercy will override justice. As I read about the “bad brothers” as Attira called them; God did not punish them either even when they wanted to kill Nephi. I wanted God to punish the snake but he wont it is not his nature. He will continue to try and bless her like he did the bad brothers. Eventually, however Nephi was commanded to leave. The bad brothers continued to live in what they called joy and Nephi left. It was Nephi who continued to receive revelation. The snake will receive revelation but I am not sure how well she listens. She has two daughters who won't visit one who is going through a court battle and a son who prefers living a long way away as to living close. The snake talks ill of her husband and declares her marriage is one of sufferance because that was her revelation. God does not want us to suffer in our relationships he wants us to thrive. I do not envy the snake. I do hope she succeeds. I doubt she listens well to God if she cannot listen to me or our clients. Wow I just realized that, how can she listen to him if and I know she does not listen to me, never has. She hears what she wants to hear and does what she wants regardless of the consequences. Shane tells us one person does the PSA’s and she ignores him and has me do mine and her do his. I did what is right by having her at least sign them. She breaks laws by seeing the offender and the victim. She attacks clients in group. She does not listen as evidenced by group members telling her she does not listen. And she is allowing an untrained counselor see DV clients when the law declares they have to be trained first by the state. Oh and one group exceeds the allowed number. Lesson-the snake has taught me what not to be, I will forgive her and forget her, owning a company makes you bad. Hold on, she was a snake before she owned the company. She started a company in her spouses name because legally we cannot own a company as associates and the minute she gets her hours she owns the company. I never felt like that was ok but God said follow the snake so I did what he said.

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He did promise that if I forgive her he will tell me where to go. I am free from her grasp. My body has the tell tell signs of stress. James tells me to breath like I tell him; cute honey really cute; but I dont’ have the racing heart so breathing won’t help. I have zits. Lots of zits-signs of internal stress. I feel like a sister betrayed me. It was her not God and he won’t fall down with justice he will show mercy. This lesson I am slowly and painfully learning. He will show forth mercy. I had a most delightful time with mother. This time was a little different. I really enjoy typing up mothers history as she reads it to me. Sometimes she goes off what she has written to add more information. Sometimes she will go off story and add information that she does not want posterity to know and we laugh; it’s amazing and I feel so blessed to have this time with her. Today though, she was sharing a time when as a youth she came to Salt Lake for a dance festival for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter DAy Saints. As she read she stopped and began to weep as the memory brought forth the same Spirit she had felt when she was 16; she is now 77 you can do the math. Anyway, she was overwhelmed with the spirit as again he bore witness to her that what she was a part of what right and true. At first I did not know why mom was weeping but I wept with her anyway. She did not think to explain the dance festival was for the Church in the beginning so I thought it was a school thing and she just really loved our flag and country. She began to weep as she talked about the flag being raised. But what touched her was the appreciation for “her blessed church”. I was then overwhelmed with the realization my mother began her conversion as a teenager. She knew at that moment what she was doing was good. I had never heard this story. I too knew as a teen and had the spirit bear witness to me that “Oh Maloa, my sweetheart you have always known it was true.” It was amazing to me and so rewarding to have this experience with mom; even dad cried, we all cried. The Spirit was there again. Mother even commented that the feeling was like she was there again; that is what remembering does. And the Holy Ghost brings all things to our rememberance. What a tender moment to share mom’s testimony with her; it was truly inspiring and oh so tender. I am so blessed to have a mother who is so faithful and sweet. Her parents were never active when she was a kid but told stories of going to the Cardston temple to be sealed and grandpa Jensen talked of working with the scouts. When mom was young grandpa was a drinker and a mean one at that. She went to church with neighbors or sisters. Maybe that is why I admire Tessa Cook and Josie Nelson so much; they too go without parents to church. Oh what a glorious gospel. I pray I never leave it. February 28-Thursday James went to the temple with me. It’s crazy I know but he did. The other night I approached him while in bed and shared my concern that he is rebelling. He did not fight me at all which was a glorious surprise and admitted he had discovered this same truth. By discovering this he has begun to repent a little and came with me without arguing. We did initiatories; I had family names and I learned that my family feels the grievances that I feel that the snake wronged me. It had never occured to me that those on the other side of the veil care but I learned in the temple they do and they were not happy. They feel my pain and the injustice of it. James was told yesterday they can have the beard all year but they have to have a mustache. Well, that is too bad for us; James likes his beard and I hate his mustached. I get all grossed out and I develop this uncontrollable sense of resentment that when he has the mustache he cares more about himself and his job. James felt disappointed and I was nice in sharing that it’s me and our relationship of the beard. Our relationship will get cold and colder. His lips are just not big enough and his mustache takes over and it gets wet and nasty. IT’s the beard or love with me. He did not like this choice and argued with me but for his credit I soon heard the clippers going and he trimmed his beard down to match the almost non-existent mustache; he chose me.

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So then I try to say thank you and he pushes me away and I ask why. This great man, who can be a bit slow finally discovered and shared with me that he already has it in his mind to be mad at me and when I say thank you he cannot stay mad. He wants to believe I don’t notice and when I do notice it breaks his belief and that makes him confused. Wait a minute; he had another break through earlier. He disappeared after dinner and I found him in bed. He had missed out on a great visit with his family; us. I told him he needed to stop that and when he dies he will regret not spending time with us. He will not ask for more bed time he will ask for more family time. Life is too short to waste time hiding in his room with his phone. I reminded him He needs us just as much as we need him and we need him to be here when he has the chance; he is not home much with his job. Much to my shock he came out and rested on the couch; He still had his phone but he was out with us more than he has before and that was a breakthrough. Oh did I praise him and shout for joy with that one. His mother and father never noticed him but I do; that is hard for him as he is expecting to be mad at me for not noticing and then I do notice and it wrenches his plan for anger. You are welcome my dear!!! March 1-Friday Nakiya shared she is afraid her friends she has told her precious personal revelations too will spill the beans. We talked about that last night and she was able to rest. It just so happens that today we read in JST Matthew 7:9-11 not to cast your pearls before swine. She got the message that we have to be very cautiously selective as to whom we share personal mysteries with. We all shared times when we cast our pearls before what we thought were friends and they turned out to be swine. And yes we have all done it except Zendia. I am grateful FAther had a lesson for us all and he cared about Nakiya to teach her in our safe family setting. God is really good to those who seek. We are truly seeking and he is answering our prayers. I mean I open our Come Follow Me and I am looking for inspiration and I get nothing. Well, that is not true I got a few of that is good. So I open my bible and all of a sudden I am inspired to look at the three JST’s in Matthew: 7:4-8, 9-11, and 12-17. That is where we learned about not being hypocrites but to live what we preach others to do and to not cast our pearls before swine or the dogs. There will be times we may mistake swine for friends but God will deliver us; he always does. Nakiya is wanting to increase her faith in Christ and I felt impressed to share with her to read all the scriptures under Jesus Christ in the Topical Guide and I told her I would get her a notebook just for writing the attributes of Christ. I am going to join her and do it more slowly. I know our ward has asked us to read our Book of Mormon again by October but we just did that and I was reading something by Elder Eyring; I believe, and he comments that sometimes we race through the scriptures when we need to slow down and feast. Nakiya has raced twice last year so now we need to slow down and feast. We will still be doing things with our ward; and we will keep the temple challenge but I feel this is the best for Nakiya. Sometimes I will race through things the first time because I get so excited; I get the bigger picture this way. Then when I slow down I get the details and grow in spiritual strength. I had a dream last night with Grandpa and Grandma Morris. Grandpa told me he was proud of me. We were going to have a family dinner with cousins and all but then I followed mom and Trina to a different part of the restaurant and so we say and That is when Grandma arrived; she was old and frail but she ate with us and then she disappeared. I woke up feeling warm and like they were really with me; it was a good feeling. I miss them. Come to think of it I had, in my heart, ask if they could some bring me some comfort and Father answered that unsaid request. It was while listening to a member read a talk President Nelson shared regarding a visit his grandfather had from his great grandfather and I wanted something similar. God answered that prayer of the heart.

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A while ago I told Nakiya to read about faith to increase her faith. I was told that on my mission because I feared so much. The reality is it did not work. Studying about Christ works to increase faith. So that is why we are going to read about Christ. Nakiya said it did not work for her either. James just called me from work. I love to receive his calls. I love to be thought of by him. Well good bye for now I must teach my Zendia some letter and sounds. Until later my dearest loved ones. I get it how the Book of Mormon was written for us; I don’t write for me I write for you my posterity who are reading this. Know I think of you as I write and I write that you may believe and rejoice in Jesus Christ. I love you and will always love you. Life is too short to waste to don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today!!! March 4-MOnday OUr Sunday school teacher got me thinking yesterday; she asked us to think of the opposite of the Beatitudes and as I did I was blessed to know through the Holy Ghost that God had kept his promises and I had been given the kingdom. I wanted to continue. Don't’ you worry it will make more sense as we go along. Matthew 5: #1-Blessed are the poor in Spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of God. The footnote teaches us that poor in spirit means poor in pride,, humble in spirit. 3 Nephi reads “...the poor in spirit who come unto me.” You see that is the key we need to come unto him. I was full of pride as I was growing up. It kind of runs in our blood. I thought I was smarter, faster, better, smarter. I thought Jesus was a bit prideful himself declaring himself to be the son Of God. I wanted to do it myself; I did not want his help. I wanted to be self-reliant. Pride blinded me to the truth or to the Kingdom of God. On my mision with Sister Borne I experienced humility for the first time. IT was following the day she had not returned from an unauthorized exchange and I was so mad at her. It was our P-day and the mission president and his wife had both called and told me to listen, do nothing but listen. I was still recuperating from surgery so I was compelled to be humble. I thought Sister Borne had received the same call so I was waiting for her to begin the talk. When she did not and was ready to leave for the evening I told her no that we were to talk until we were ok. The mission president told me he had never done a sister emergency transfer but he would if we could not work it out that night; that is why he told me to listen. She was very willing to talk pretending all was well and so I told her it was not my idea either it had been a call from our President so we would stay and talk or transfer it was up to her. Well it did not take long and the damn was broken; she vomited a thousand accusations at me and do to the mercy and great goodness of God I was too tired to rebuke or deny and I did just listen as I was commanded to do. After about an hour or more she finally had it all out; she had transferred every bit of faults and garbage of her life onto me and I listened to it all. When she finally stopped her words were, “Oh my, I am just like you.” ok so we were not just alike, I may have been prideful but I was not ignorant of our investigators feelings as she was. But that is not the point. At that moment when she finally ceased her volley of fiery darts at me the Spirit filled us both with humility. I knew at that moment I needed the Lord Jesus Christ more than I needed air to breath. It was the most peaceful feeling of peace, pain, and hope. I felt pain of my sins. My actual sins not the fiery transferred accusations of my companion. I had been so prideful I could not see my need of the SAvior even though I had taught that for 18 months now. I also felt a weight lifted from my physical body that I did not have to be self-reliant after all. Or in other words being truly self-reliant is accepting my weaknesses and acknowledging I needed the Savior and he would make up the difference and I did not need to work so hard. My mission could have gone so much easier had I just been able to grasp humility on my own. Sadly, again, I say I had to be compelled. I had been physically sick, had a benign breast tumor removed and was still very

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weak when God assigned me to Sister Borne. Humility felt so much better than pride that I pray I keep it with me; which is one reason I am remembering and typing. When I was full of pride I was blind to the whole truth. I could see what I wanted to see and not what God wanted me to see. When I allowed God to humble me and was poor in spirit I truly did receive the kingdom because all of a sudden the real truths of God began to really make sense. My eyes were opened, my heart was opened and the powers of heaven were no longer restrained. I truly did begin to receive what God had intended to give me all along; His kingdom, his gospel, his truths. #2Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted. This one is kind of funny to me. So we were taught to not cry and cowboy up. When others mourned my example was, “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.” I was not taught to mourn let alone mourn with others. And Yet now I am a counselor and I mourn with those that mourn all the time. The first time I learned to mourn myself and that I would be comforted and it was ok to mourn was going through the 12 step program. I was in our room on the rocking chair that we received from Grandma and Grandpa Morris. I had just learned I had to feel pain in order for it me to give it to Christ I first had to feel it. I asked father how long I had to hurt as this was painful and difficult. Father did not really tell me when it was sort of as long as it takes for the message to set in, or it was up to me, or something. What struck me really was in that moment our cat WAiler came in and sat on my lap and I remember thinking that I had to hurt but I did not have to hurt alone I would have Wailer or others to mourn with me. It was in the mourning with me that I healed. As my sisters’ and mom mourned with me I was slowly healed or comforted and i learned the best thing for others is not to tell them to suck it up or stop crying but true disciples take the person by the hand and cry with them. As we mourn together we are all comforted. We do not have to suffer alone. I learned first that we must be willing to mourn for ourselves, we must be willing to allow others to mourn with us and we must be willing to mourn with others and they must be willing to let us. God honors agency that much that he will not force comfort. We need to honor agency that if someone wants to mourn alone we have to let them. And if they want us to mourn with them we can choose to mourn with them. Honoring agency is something I am going to learn is so important to being like God/Father. #4-Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. I want to study meek some more to improve in this area. In class we talked about meek is strength. Many of us lack it when we pray and then get up and do what we want. Being meek is submitting fully to God’s will. Meek: The meek are God Fearing, humble, broken hearted, contrite heart, teachable, patient under suffering. The meek are willing to follow gospel teachings. Meek, quiet, gentle, submissive. Psalms 25:9 “The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way.” Psalm 37:11 “...the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.” Isaiah 11:4 “But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth:...” equity means with fairness. Isaiah 29:19 “The meek also shall increase their joy in the Lord, and the poor among men shall rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.” I have felt this increase in joy in the Lord as I have chosen to keep humility as a part of me. I have increased joy in the Holy One of Israel; I have come to love Him more and more as i submit to his will and know he has been fair with me and most merciful. Is it possible I have slowly become more meek? And can I be more meek in the Lord? Yes, we can always get better. Isaiah 61:1 “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;” the Lord was sent directly to the meek, the broken hearted. This one made me chuckle, Zephaniah 2:3 “... seek righteousness, seek meekness: it may be ye shall be hid in the day of the LOrd’s anger.” Being meek my hide you in the day of the Lord’s anger that

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is funny to me. And Lord is in all caps but small caps. I read something about that yesterday in Jesus The Christ and cannot remember what it meant. I will have to check into that. Matthew 11:29 Christ is meek and lowly of heart. And if I look to him and take his yoke I shall find rest or that peace spoken up previously. Matt 21:5 the King will come to the meek. March 5-Tuesday I got to practice meekness today by saying nothing in return to nasty comments from another. I blocked the person and took care of my friend. God said I did all I could. I was blessed to be with mom and dad today. I am really enjoying sitting with mom and typing her story as she reads it. The last section was of her teen years that she wrote as a teen so it’s really fun to hear what was important to her at that time; food and boys and in that order. Zendia was acting out of character for her and was being whiny and would not get ready. I literally grabbed her shoe and her and her jacket and carried her to the car. As we approached our old Stake Center I felt impressed to pull over and talk with her so I did. She did not really want to go to Grandmas as I ignore her; and I have. I apologized and then told her I would give her time in between typing. I also told her that she may not understand now or appreciate what I am doing but she will someday later in life when Grandma is gone. She was consoled and we went on our way. I kept my promise and took time to play with her. We took a walk with the girls when they got home. Sadie pulled Zendia on her car for a big portion of it; Sadie really likes to pull and work herself; maybe we need to do that more. JAtae just had to wear her skates and hit the ground hard on one hill; I missed the fall and saw her just as she hit the ground and came back up. She landed in a sticker patch and had them all over her; we had to tweeze a few out when we got home. Nakiya would later take Zendia’s car down the last hill. I was laughing so hard at her on this little car and rolling down the hill I had to stop and cross my legs so I would not wet myself. Then she disappears behind a car and out rolls the toy car and I know something is not good. I cannot run as I am slowing Jatae who, yes is still in her blades so we are slowly getting to Nakiya. She is in a little bit of shock from crashing. She begins to cry when we get to her and I am trying to control my laughing from seeing her go down hill not falling. We get her inside and I begin to tend to both girls. Like I mentioned we tweezed stickers out of Jatae and cleaned up the mess on Nakiya’s hips, elbows, and hands. Her hip looked nasty but once we got the blood cleaned up it did not look that bad. She is pretty bruised and chose to stay home from young women’s tonight. Jatae went to young women’s and was called to serve in the Japan mission for this month. She really enjoyed learning about Japan and eating sushi-yuck. She received a name tag and all. I do so love our young woman leaders and the girls. Jatae did not want to walk in alone and so I walked with her. I am so impressed the leaders are always there early; it’s amazing. I got to visit with them before I left Jatae in good hands and went home. We had a gentleman come give us a quote on the roof. I was able to leave to take Jatae while they talked contract as the money going out causes heart palpitations. I am feeling so overwhelmed with the roof, the fireplace, the doors, Dave moved back in and is getting a divorce, I don’t have a job, James is working more now, and I am scared to get a job that won’t work with me and Nakiya is going through similar things with her friends that I am. I am tired and it’s showing on my neck and zits all over my arms; mom noticed those too. I asked James for a blessing. God told me he did not give me all of this to take it all away. I can read the scriptures to find ways to cope with stress and I can pray to him to find peace; it will all be ok. He will lead me and guide me. So when James was done I prayed and then I got up and invited Nakiya to do some kickboxing with me. She was hesitant but she admitted it helped her feel better; the bruises hurt but she will heal. I love our Father in Heaven and I want to follow him; right now I am feeling really overwhelmed.

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Meekness: Topical guide continued… Galatians 5:23 meekness is a gift of the Spirit. Colossians 3:12 “Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering.” The elect or chosen of God are meek and kind, humble, and longsuffering. 1 Timothy 6:11 ...follow righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. 2 Timothy 2:16 “Shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase unto more ungodliness.” Father commanded me to ignore the evil words of a person. This scripture just happens to show up commanding us all to “shun profane and vain babblings” To shun: persistently avoid, ignore, or reject. Verse 24- … and the servant of the Lord must not strive. What? Footnote 3 Nephi 11:29-30 ,.... I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention… the devil wanted me to read more of the snakes texts so I would be filled with his spirit of contention. I first thought when I wanted to block her I was not loving her or somehow I was running away from my problem. No, I was shunning the spirit of contention or in other words I was shunning evil. “Behold it is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away…. And this is my doctrine… that the FAther commandeth all men everywhere, to repent and believe in me.” I am to shun contention or vain babblings and profane words. Avoid toxic people and yes profane and vain babblings are toxic or in God’s words they increase unto more ungodliness. Had I engaged I would have become more ungodly. Father told me she would think I was caring more of myself than my client. Father also reminded me I was working for my client without pay and not for myself. I was about his work. Doctrine and Covenants 136:23 “Cease to contend one with another; cease to speak evil one of another. Cease drunkenness; and let your words tend to edifying one another.” James 1:19-22 “...let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. Be ye doers of the word...” It is not a coincidence or merely chance that I am studying this right now today this very second. God is in the very essence of my life. Two ears-swift to hear. We cannot do good when we have anger or wrath. Wrath=extreme anger. No matter how often she claims God was with her in her wrath he was not for that would go against his own doctrine that “the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” She can say it but that does not make it true. I just had a glorious time reading all of Proverbs 12. I really like v19-”The lip of truth shall be established for ever: but a lying tongue is but for a moment. 13- the Wicked is snared by the transgression of his lips: but the just shall come out of trouble. 14-A man shall be satisfied with good by the fruit of his mouth: and the recompence of a man’s hands shall be rendered unto him. 15-The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” This is the answer I was needing today to ease my heart of the stress I feel. Thank you FAther which art in heaven for guiding my studies and to enlighten my understanding. Forgive me for my lack of faith and help thou my unbelief. I thank thee for hearing my struggles and being aware of what I needed and then opening my eyes to see what I needed. Oh dearest and most beloved Father in heaven I thank thee this day for thy loving guidance in showing me the way in the Name of Jesus Christ amen. March 6-Wednesday 1 Peter 3:4 ...meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.” A quiet spirit; that is interesting as I am usually loud and being quiet is kind of painful but I am realizing I need all emotions even quiet ones. I just want to keep running, running, running. “... and his lips that they speak no guile.” Guile-sly or cunning intelligence in obtaining a goal. A snake like thing to do; be cunning or crafty in obtaining what you desire instead of forthwith and honesty. Meekness-gentle,

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mild; this is not normal for me to be gentle or mild; I am loud and a bit rough. 1 Peter 3:15 “But sanctify the Lord God in your heart: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear.” GEntle and mild; that is asking a lot. 2 Nephi 27:30 “And the meek also shall increase and their joy shall be in the Lord…” Mosiah 3:19 the natural man is an enemy to God; my loud brutishness is His enemy. “...becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” As a kid my dad was my hero; I looked up to him. I wanted to be tough and a cowboy like him. Dad was not very kind though and I therefore wanted to be unkind til I grew and realized my dad is great but he has shortcomings like me; too much like me. Dad wasn’t that good to mom either except at Christmas, well sometimes they would dance and they always dated. I used to think my mom was week but she was meek; she could see dad for what his divine nature was; she was very forgiven and taught me to see the good. Now my mom is a hero of mine and I want to be forgiving and quietly strong like her. Alma 13:28 I need to be humble and call on His holy name always, and to watch and pray always so that I can stand and not fall. Alma 37:33 Faith on Jesus Christ, humble, meek and lowly of heart. I can withstand the temptations of the devil with my faith in Jesus Christ. Moroni 7:44 I need meekness and lowly of heart and charity to withstand the fiery darts. Moroni 8:26 “And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God.” Doctrine and Covenants 19:23 Meekness brings peace. D&C 35:15 with meekness we shall look forward to the coming of His son. D&C to be strong in the Spirit we need to be strong in meekness. D&C 121:41 a good leader is maintained by virtue of persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned. Unfeigned-genuine and sincere. After studying I lay down on the couch and lay there til 2:00. Zendia had fun watching television. She did get me to make pancakes with her for lunch around 11:00. We made some for James too who I visited with while we ate. I sure do love that man. He went back to bed as he is on the night shift and I lay back down. I showered and was dressed to go to the temple. I am not well because I feel overwhelmed with stress; it’s my lack of faith I am sure. Either way, I was ready to go when the girls arrived home. Attira is feeling pretty scared and cool that she gets to take care of her and Zendia while we were away; James had gone to the gym. She told me they lock themselves in the back to be safe and close the blinds. They watched television until we arrived home. Tessa Cook came with us and we went to the Orem City Center temple or I call it the Tabernacle temple. We did confirmations where two of our ladies were having the menstrual cycle. The Spirit was still felt. While there I was impressed by the Holy Ghost to open the scriptures. I turned to the Doctrine and Covenants: well actually first I read about secret combinations and how there is much evil in the world. Then I read D&C 126:2-3, “I have seen your labor and toil in journeyings for my name. I therefore command you to send my word abroad, and take especial care of your family from this time…” I believe Father has seen me labor and wants me to continue and I am most definitely commanded to care for my family first and foremost. I then looked down the page and read, 127:2 “And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, ...God knoweth all things… But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me: and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my father

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delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it.” Well, I am called to pas through much tribulation because I was prepared before the world to do a mighty work for the Lord. I chose to follow JEsus therefore satan is my enemy and will and does and has tried to stop me. God has delivered me before and he will deliver me now. This helps with my fear that I won’t ever be able to find a job because Kathy will make sure they know what she thinks. So I choose to have faith and trust in God that he will deliver me and I will triumph over all my enemies. WE are now sitting after having washed two loads of dishes and dinner. Nakiya cooked the french toast and JAtae cooked the potatoes while I washed. Attira and Zendia cleaned off the table and the floor in the dining room. They are now putting legos together and Nakiya has disappeared. I thank FAther for talking to me through the scriptures. I thank Father for James working overtime while I am unemployed. I thank Father for having a resume template right on my drive. I thank him for a day of rest for me. I thank Father for having a temple so close to us. I thank Father for the scriptures; I believe I can truly say they are my favorite books to read and study. I leave my books out when I finish studying hoping to study more later; I love to study; I love the way the Spirit fills my soul with “food”. I thank Father for four beautiful daughters. And Most important I thank Father for James whom I love and adore; he is my best friend and I feel so good hugging him; I feel whole. He laughed at me today and said I always do this little moaning breathy thing when I hug him; I cannot help it he feels so good, I feel so good when I hug him. March 7-Thursday Meek and Lowly by Neal A Maxwell Oct 21, 1986 BYU devotional: Meekness: I need it in order to survive spiritually. Meekness is living in “thanksgiving daily” Alma 35:38. Meekness is doing good and never getting tired or it. With “unwearyingness” Helaman 10:5 and Galatians “not be weary in well doing”. The Galatians footnote goes to Luke 8:14 the seed that was sewn in decent ground but the hope of riches swallowed them up; they begin well and then get tired of doing good. I cannot ever get tired of doing good. I must serve and never, NEVER get weary. Meekness speaks the truth but they do it with love Ephesians 4:15-on; the meek let no communication escape their lips that is corrupt. They speak with love, kindness, compassion, tenderhearted, and forgiving. The Meek endure trials well; with forgiveness and faith in Jesus Christ D&C 121:8. The meek focus on the “weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith.” Matt: 23:23. The meek are to forgive 70x7 (matt 18:21-22) and to be “anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; for the power is in them, wherefore they are agents unto themselves...” (D&C 58:27). Anxiously=earnestly desirous; eager. The meek do the right things for the right reasons. The meek grab hold of the rod and then hold on working with all their might in the name of the Lord (2 Nephi 31:19-20). Matt 5:44-the meek not only endure enemies they pray for them. The meek are commanded to become like Him. Matthew 5:48 “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Perfect=having all the desired characteristic; complete. Therefore having all of God’s characteristics, or His image engraven in my countenance. I can become perfect and have all of God’s characteristics; it will take me all my life but I can do it. I want to be perfect like HIm. I want to have all of his characteristics; I want his image in my countenance (3 Nephi 12:48; 27:27 “What manner of men (woman) ought you to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am. “Who else but the truly meek would consider such a journey? It takes meekness just to accept God’s calling. It takes meekness to want to change and to make the necessary changes. I then have a very small portion of meekness for i do want to change, I do want to accept God’s call and I want to be like him. I want to pray for my enemies but it is really, really hard.

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I have to learn to throw down my weapons and pray. I will pray for Kathy all week. I will pray with what little love I have left for her. She was my dearest friend and I was so willing to look past all her meanness and focus on what good she did. Am I mean like her and just expect others to look past my meanness? I just looked at images of a yoke; a yoke is always for two. So when i take the yoke of Christ is he yoked with me? Or is the other yoke for James since we are married? Or really the symbol could be both. I want to believe that Christ is yoked with me and that James when he is yoked with me the Lord is leading us along. Or I could be yoked with our girls in turn when they need me. The driver is the Lord. Or are we each yoked with the Lord via the Holy Ghost and the Lord is the driver? This too could be a possibility. The image with all of them is quite telling: the yoke sits on the shoulders of the oxen and allows them to pull the cart or load. The yoke of Christ would then sit on our shoulders and enable us to carry our load. It made me think of the washing and anointing in the temple just now. God gives us specific challenges to keep us humble (Ether 12:27); it is He who makes our weaknesses our strengths. 1 Peter 4:12 “Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you.” Ok so I have totally thought it strange; God did tell me I would learn through reading the scriptures and I am learning. It is not strange that I am being tried so much right now; it’s all part of God’s plan. I am supposed to know that trials are normal and good for me. Hence be grateful for your trials. No let me rephrase that, I will pray to be grateful for my trials. I want to remember trials aka fiery darts are totally normal and supposed to happen to teach me. I will try to be meek and ask myself-what can I learn from this? Or what Does God want me to learn from this? I want to remember it and it’s so important I am typing it again with the next verse; “Beloved, (I find it so tender he called me his “Beloved” in the very beginning, softens what he says next like the trials are sent with love, tenderness, compassion, and mercy) think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.” See “rejoice” be grateful for you are suffering and not just suffering I am partaking “Christ’s sufferings” and his glory will be revealed; meaning I will learn what he would have me learn. He is teaching me, no giving me what I need to become like him. I can rejoice that he knows how to get me to be like him. Verse 14; “If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified.” “Furthermore, as the disciple enriches his relationship with the Lord, he is apt to have periodic “public relations” problems with others, being misrepresented and misunderstood. He or she will have to “take it” at times. Meekness, therefore, is a key to deepening discipleship.” Neal A Maxwell. March 8-Friday I will get back to Elder Maxwell’s talk just after this. I think I have been depressed since working at Mt. Grove. Now that I am free and have the board next week I am feeling lighter and happier. It’s like I have been depressed and was not even aware of it; that is scary to me. I wonder what FAther wanted me to learn with Mt. Grove? I wonder and worry about how blind I was. I know that Kathy was overwhelmed and maybe she is depressed and i was feeling her depression. I wonder if that is why I woke afraid to go to work every SAturday. Hindsight is 20/20. I now know that suffering is an important part of life and I must have needed this to learn something. I know that I feel others emotions; Kathy must have been more laden with suffering than I thought; because now that I am not with her I feel lighter than I have in years. The heavy had become my normal and it would still be my normal if I was still with her. I am more awake, I have more energy, I am actually cleaning

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without feeling it’s the worst thing in the world. I actually wanted to get the dishes done this morning, I didn’t yet but I want too. I made breakfast, I made up my healthy snack and I have dinner in my thoughts and will get it in the crock pot soon. Kathy really did give me a great gift by letting me go; I am free from the depression. However, I dreamt last night that I was a criminal and had this criminal ring; we were in this large home and it had secret exits in case the cops came; when the cops came I was trying to get out one hole but felt it would smother me so I went upstairs where I had an escape in my office; Zendia was there and I had to get us both out. I was about to leave through the trapdoor in the bathroom but others came in wanting me to get caught or at least take them with me and I did not want too. The cop came in and I showed him my bathroom knowing he would not see the exit. The other criminals were upset and the cop was fooled. I then tried to save another criminal who was in a wheelchair and his girlfriend or another woman. I still had Zendia and we were going to fly out; some how the other two adults flew to freedom and I could not get out. I was able to keep running but doors kept coming up or windows that I could not get out of. I was trapped but trying. I am a bit trapped now for sure; or at least I feel trapped. I have to see the board, renew my license and then find a job. I don’t know if Kathy will make that hard for me or not. And still there is a joy and freedom swelling in my heart that I have not felt in a long time. My greatest fear right now is that I was not aware of the depression. I am need FAther to tell me what I was to learn and how can I refrain from being blind in the future? How to I keep from feeling others depression at home? Our family scripture study was interesting. Jatae got really mad because Attira accused her of wiping her boogers under the table. I rebuked them both; Jatae for fighting when it is not necessary. Boogers under the table will not keep you out of the Celestial kingdom so not worth fighting over. Then I got to teach what I am learning about meekness and how fighting in God’s way is by saying nothing when it’s just annoying and fighting with love when it’s celestial worthy. I then got to teach Attira that telling on every little weakness is not right either. I don't’ need to know everything like boogers. Attira needs to focus on correcting herself and worry about things that will keep her sisters out of the Celestial kingdom. We also talked about love and how love does not fight; we should not fight our families ever. Nakiya got a lesson on tone and how we can respond with the same words but with a soft tone filled with love. Jatae is working on being a peacemaker and God is giving her opportunities to practice. Jatae said she did not want to make peace and so I told her maybe she needed to return back to loving Attira first so she can then learn to be a peacemaker; we cannot make peace until we love. BAck to my depression and Kathy; I wasn’t heard, I wasn’t esteemed as an equal, I wasn’t appreciated. I mean she would say it but I felt her words were hollow and or shallow because I did not feel it. She never listened to me about me wanting to put my family first; constantly she tried to get me to do more. I was not heard when I learned something new; she listened and looked at me like I was a peasant finally learning nothing important. I felt like she looked at me like what she had to share was better, smarter, and more important. I would ignore her often and just do what I wanted; that is no partnership. So I wonder, with humility and meekness father or as much of it or as little as I now have. Why would you want me to suffer for so long without me knowing I was suffering? I mean I most definitely know how I don’t want to be, what I don't’ want to work with. Is there a boss/supervisor who will love me? Appreciate me? And teach me? And appreciate what I learn? Returning to Elder Maxwell’s talk and my studies: “...we see how one missing quality cannot be fully compensated for, even by other qualities, however praiseworthy.” interesting (Matt 19:20-22). “There appears to be “no other way” to learn certain things except through the relevant, clinical experiences.” Ok so I am coming to realize why we have fiery darts; I mean even this morning with

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all the learning opportunities. Even Zendia who is learning this week to clean up after herself has made several messes to learn to clean up; she dropped an egg on the floor and later some water; she wanted me to clean it for her and acted like a baby and I was happy to tell her she gets to clean it up herself. She wanted me to “serve” her by cleaning up after her breakfast and i was happy to teach her to do it herself; she is five and she is capable. Since I mentioned all the girls, I myself am having many opportunities to be meek. Like just when I was ready to cry for not hearing from the board, I hear from them and have an appointment. I am learning to be patient with the girls when they fight, or make messes. I am teaching them I am not here to clean up after them but to teach them to clean. Oh and Jatae gets the consequences of leaving our home dirty as her friends party is today and she does not get to stay late. “Do what is right let the consequence follow” ... “ ...Happily, the commandment “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29) carries an accompanying and compensating promise from Jesus—“and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” This is a very special form of rest. It surely includes the rest resulting from the shedding of certain needless burdens: fatiguing insincerity, exhausting hypocrisy, and the strength-sapping quest for recognition, praise, and power. Those of us who fall short, in one way or another, often do so because we carry such unnecessary and heavy baggage. Being thus overloaded, we sometimes stumble and then feel sorry for ourselves.” Wow, ok so we cause our own overload and our own stumbles and then we feel sorry for ourselves. And I was just feeling sorry for myself that Kathy never noticed me in a sincere way. I will be honest I read over this several times. “...shedding...fatiguing insincerity” “...shedding… exhausting hypocrisy.” “...and strength-sapping quest for recognition, praise, and power.” so is that shedding my own insincerity and hypocrisy or from others or maybe both? I know that my lack of trust in the Lord leads to “needless burdens” like I was worrying about the board; ok more honestly I was having an internal battle that I wanted to worry and the spiritual side was like “have faith God will deliver” and the natural woman was like “I did something wrong and I wont get an appointment and I will lose my license”. For what it’s worth and to at least give credit to my progress, I did sometimes listen to the spiritual side and felt peace and then the email came and I was overjoyed, and was like “take that natural woman side, victory is mine!” “We need not carry such baggage. However, when we’re not meek, we resist the informing voice of conscience and feedback from family, leaders, and friends. Whether from preoccupation or pride, the warning signals go unnoticed or unheeded. However, if sufficient meekness is in us, it will not only help us to jettison unneeded burdens, but will also keep us from becoming mired in the ooze of self-pity.” Jettison-to cast (goods) overboard in order to lighten a vessel or aircraft or to improve its stability in an emergency. Oh dear, I am prideful and have become mired in “the ooze of self-pity” before. Again to my progress; after Kathy let me go I definitely had the ooze of self-pity but the voice of reason and the spirit was sometimes heard; at least I was trying and sometimes I would hear the logic and then lose it to the ooze only to find it again; it’s a battle and at least two sides were there. In the past it was only one side. “...Furthermore, true meekness has a metabolism that actually requires very little praise or recognition—of which there is usually such a shortage anyway.” So I am to meek I will require very little if any praise. Oh boy, now that will be tough. How do I learn to do with so little. I can trust that “the metabolism” of meekness requires little praise and since I want to be meek, I don’t need praise to be happy I can trust that by doing God’s will making him happy is enough. “Most of the time, the sponge of selfishness quickly soaks up everything in sight, including praise intended for others.” Wow! I surely needed this. March 9-Saturday We cleaned today; the house was out of sorts with the girls moving downstairs so that Dave can have the upstairs room. The small room is for their toys.

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We did our family studies and learned about repenting and how it brings us joy. We read through Alma 35 when he shares the pains he experienced from his sins and then the joy when he remembered the SAvior. We needed repentance today so we can all repent and be kinder. Stake conference was tonight and nearly every talk was what I studied this week that we are to have trials and it’s a normal and expected part of life. God wants me to take care of our girls so he is not going to take me from them. I thought of my mission and how sometimes doing nothing and waiting was what the FAther wanted us to do. I thought of the new movie Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin. We watched it yesterday; and Pooh says a line about sometimes doing nothing is exactly what you need to do and just wait. It was funny to me because I thought of this. While watching the movie I was like “no we have to work…” blah blah and then I remembered so often I think I have to work when what I need to do is wait. Sometimes waiting is work. Anyway I have some more notes in my journal, the other one for when I am at church. It’s daylight savings again; yuck so we lose and hour. We get to go to the family session tomorrow. Oh how I love church!!! I am grateful for FAther’s patience with me and pray my faith will increase. March 11-Monday We did attend our Stake conference yesterday. James knew a brother who works with him at the jail as a nurse; brother Spencer, and I saw Shae used to be Messersmith there. It was a beautiful meeting and reiterated what was spoken the day before. The Stake President compared us to building a home that it takes time, patients and attention, knowing there will be problems along the way. We are here to struggle and we must remain faithful. As a family we did our scripture studies that night. I have made the rule that we don’t leave the table until I have written down the weekly commitments for everyone. And they will have to return and report. One of the Stake Patriarchs talked about the retention in higher when one has to return and report and that is what I wanted to do but could not get the family to cooperate. With the patriarchs words somehow it became easier as I had validation. I have goals written down. We are learning about the Apostles of the Lord and so we are learning what they are to do and what we are to do. It will be another great week. My goal was to find someone to heal and I had the opportunity to heal both Jatae and ATtira today. Both have struggled this week so we turned to our emotion sheet and they could really define their anger and then we worked to define what is under the iceberg. Both marked powerless and we talked about how they are and when they can accept that and turn to the Lord they will be powerful. I told them they could choose to be slow and stupid like me who did not get that til I was in my 20s or they could learn and be smart now and choose it at a young age. With Jatae we talked about how she is adequate and how no matter what happens to her her value does not change. I asked her how much a $20 is and what if we put it through the mud, ripped it and taped it back up, or washed it. She said the same the value is still $20. She is the same she will always have equal value, God and us will always love her. However, she is powerless to change herself she needs Jesus. Attira too learned to accept she is powerless, I asked Jatae to teach Attira what I just taught her. Attira believed I love her sister’s more than her and believed it was my job to solve her problem. This was fun because we got to turn to the FAmily a Proclamation and we read what my job actually is. I am to care for her and be concerned for her. I care for her physical and spiritual needs; with this we discussed what I do for her. Essential we were learning what my job is and gathering evidence to prove her belief or disprove it. I am to nurture; teach, train, feed, guide, etc. Attira had to admit I am doing that. I am not commanded to solve her problems. This lead to the talk on powerless. Both of these beautiful girls then shared how they felt peace and I was blessed to teach them peace is the one emotion satan cannot copy and it comes from the Holy Ghost. It was a beautiful morning.

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Elder Neal Maxwell: the meek let go of all old grievances and make in themselves a new heart. Even Jesus admitted he was powerless; it is not a coincidence I am reading this today after the “powerless” conversation above. John 5:30 “I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the FAther which hath sent me.” Jesus of himself was powerless; he had power of the FAther. We are powerless unless we accept the power of the Father. Wow! I had to share that with the girls. It is a sin to say that I have accomplished so much by myself; for I can do nothing without the power of God. “And thou say in thine heart, My power and the might of mine hand hat gotten me this wealth. But thou shalt remember the Lord thy God: for it is he that giveth thee power to get wealth, that he may establish his covenant which he swore unto the fathers, as it is this day.” All I have and we have is because God gave us the power to have it and get it. I could not do what I just did as a mother without the power of God. I could not do what I do as a counselor without the power of Father. The Lord’s work is done in the “...poorest spot in all the land of thy vineyard.” (Jacob 5:21). “So spiritually blind was the multitude, they actually needed lanterns to see and capture the “Light of the World”!” I just like that thought. I had not thought about it; as the multitude came to kill the “Light of the World” they had lanterns; “So spiritually blind” were they. “Jesus meekly stayed his unparalleled course.” he then commanded me to “Come follow me” I need to meekly stay my course. Brigham Young once said, “...It carries me, I do not carry the kingdom. I sail in the old ship Zion, and it bears me safely above the raging elements. [JD 11:252]. The Kingdom will carry me if I but do my duty to The Lord. Meekness is reason, restraint, and patience. Col 3:12 “Put on therefore , as the elect of God,holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering.” There is that longsuffering again. When we choose meekness we choose to be free from thinking we have to be number one, from believing we have to have all the good ideas. The pressure is off and we can share the load. Now, this I know to be true. I have experienced the freedom of meekness; when I don’t have an idea I know that someone else will. It’s the end goal that matters not how we get there. Sometimes it’s nice to sit back and let someone else drive. Sometimes I have to take my turn to drive and sometimes I must sit next to the driver and keep them awake; other times I can sleep and know I am in good hands; this is the freedom of meekness. True meekness can rejoice in the accomplishments of others knowing their worth will not change no matter how awesome or amazing others are. I too have experienced this meekness; I enjoy rejoicing in the accomplishments of others; it makes me feel good to rejoice with them. The meek seek great knowledge and can learn because of their “humbleness of mind”. The prideful will seek learning and never learn because they are not meek and humble of the mind. I had never thought it took meekness to learn. I love learning I am eager to know more and know that I don’t know it all but I want to someday or at some time. I am learning today that meekness has not been completely foreign to me; without me being meek I could not learn and since I enjoy truly learning I must have some meekness in me; I am not a complete loss. THis is so cool; in my opinion. “Intellectual meekness is a persistent as well as particular challenge. Without it, we are not intellectually open to things that we “never had supposed” (Moses 1:10). Alas, some have otherwise reached provincial and erroneous conclusions and do not really want to restructure their understanding of things. Some wish neither to be shaken nor expanded by new data.” I am feeling like I do have some meekness again. I love and so look forward to moments when I can say “I never had supposed” or thought this. I really like that when I can do it with the girls and show them that I too am still learning. “Intellectual meekness” I have some of that, I do or I could not have learned what I have learned and I want to keep it knowing I can learn more if I do. WE, and I do say we needed this very talk today. It is a long talk and I want to get through it and I know it’s going to take

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time but if meekness really is so important than it is so worth it. I need it, Jatae needs it, and Attira needs it, the others probably do too!!! Thank you Father for opening up the eyes of our understanding. I really hate stopping but I do need a shower and to do more than just study; although I could I really could but it’s not necessary. I need to live too. March 12-Tuesday Elder Neal A Maxwell: Pride is in all sin. Interesting, I had not thought of that. It makes sense to me though that pride is in all sin. If we could get rid of pride we would have no sin. If I get this right being meek does not get you out of trials and tribulations; but while the meek may not know all that going on around them they are still in control because they know that God loves them. They are at peace knowing that they are going through the trial but Father will deliver them out of it and get them through. They are “still” AS the wise men and they trust in God’s plan for them. They don’t have to get rattled. They can accept there is pain and suffering and then endure it well. Those with pride will go out of control and not endure it well. So if I am correct than I will still have my trials but I will be at peace and look to the Lord; I will get blessings for reassurance and pray for deliverance and then trust in the Lord’s timing. I can even cry and hurt and still know that Father is in control and I can feel peace and “be still”. The meek management of power and responsibility keeps them free from the shiny chains of pride. The meek are free from the fatiguing stress of being offended as they don’t get offended. They are assured in the name of Christ that all will be well eventually. Again the “humbleness of mind” comes up. That concept is fun to me and I want to remember to be “humble of mind”. So, again if I understand correctly, the meek will be bruised at time they are not ignorant of pain; meaning they will be bruised by others actions but will pick themselves up and carry on. They will remain free from self-pity and blame. They will be able to see clearly but have the mind to focus on the things of eternity and not the things of the moment. The meek will not have to put others down to be lifted up. For me, that means I can be aware that Kathy wronged me; and I can experience the bruise. Then I can forgive her and move on allowing God to lead me along. “When we are thus spiritually settled, we will likewise be less apt to murmur and complain.” I like that too, “spiritually settled”. Well I guess I am not spiritually settled as I have murmured and complained too much and I have swam in the swamp of self-pity as well. Angry that she is getting away with such evil and she will move forward being all successful. Not too mention she has documents I need. “But because the Lord loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn unto (you).” Deut 7:8. Why can’t His love be enough for me? Why am I not so “spiritually settled”? Why do I have to ruin my peace with murmuring or worrying about settled the scale? Why am I so stupid that I cannot just keep the faith and know He will keep his promises to me and not worry about what he does for her or others that wrong me? It could be enough that He told me what she did was wrong. It could be enough that he warned me of what she would do. It could be enough that He loves me and will keep his promise to me. It could be enough that he promised to tell me where to go. It could be enough that he told me to care for our girls. It could be. The meek listen long and humbly. The meek are ready and eager to hear and put aside the precepts of men. Many followers error because they heed the precepts of men 2 Nephi 28:14. “For the kingdom of the devil must shake, and they which do belong to it must needs be stirred up unto repentance, or the devil will grasp them with his everlasting chains, and they be stirred up to anger, and perish.” 2 Nephi 28:19. When I sin, I must be shaken to repent. Stetson and Resha both heed so many of the precepts of man and then tease me because I don’t. They must be shaken to repent or

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satan will strangle them with his chains. I don't need to be ashamed because I am trying to be meek and obedient. “Meekness also contains a readiness that helps us to surmount the accumulated stumbling blocks and rocks of offense; we can make stepping stones of them and achieve a deeper and broader view of life... Nevertheless, the stones of stumbling and rocks of offense are real. In fact, these offending rocks (see Isaiah 8:14–15) can prove insurmountable, unless we have the facilitating attribute of meekness with its promise of access to the grace of God.” The struggles are real, satan and his minions are real; they will and are trying to destroy me and you. We are powerless, 100% powerless unless we are meek and turn to the Lord Jesus Christ and ask for his assistance, his deliverance. Ether 12:26 “...the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weaknesses.” Only the meek know how to access The Lord’s grace. And Grace we need to overcome the struggles of today. “Besides, only the meek know how to draw fully on his assistance anyway.” “Meekness comes trailing a cloud of other beneficial considerations. The prophet Mormon (see Moroni 7:43–44) observed that without meekness there can be no faith, hope, or love. Furthermore, the remission of our sins brings additional meekness along with the great gift of the Holy Ghost, or Comforter (Moroni 8:26). These supernal blessings are not to be enjoyed for any length of time except by those who are meek. As to genuine joy, it is received by none “save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness” (Alma 27:18). “Preliminarily, we cannot even have true faith, except we are meek and lowly in heart (Moroni 7:43–45). Thus we are able to enjoy greater faith, hope, love, knowledge, and reassurance. We will thus know the answer to what Amulek called the “great question” (see Alma 34:5)—whether there really is a rescuing and redeeming Christ. It is by the power of the Holy Ghost that we know that Jesus is the Christ, that he lived and lives. Thus it is the meek who receive the great answers to the “great question,” rejoicing, therefore, over the “great and last sacrifice” (Alma 34:10).” (Maxwell) Wow! I never knew that meekness was so important. In order for me and you to have faith, hope , and charity sufficient to thrive we need to be meek first. Meek, submissive, and willing to do all the Father has in store for us. I must be meek enough to accept all the pain and suffering he sees fit to place on me that I may become like him. I must be meek enough to know he is doing all in his power to bring me home and make me like him. Meek=>to peace and rest; to stillness. Peace, rest and stillness are not normal for me; I was taught to run run until you cannot run anymore. Mom, and dad were kind of wrong; sometimes we do need to stop and stay until further notice; sometimes nothing is the answer. I want to be meek. I want it really bad. I want to come home and in order to do so I need meekness. I want to not be offended only bruised. I want to trust Father so much that I can cry when I am bruised and move on. I want to never push others down to put me up. March 13-Wednesday Wow, what a day! Our sitter was throwing up all night so I had to take Zendia with me up to Salt Lake. It took us three hours, normally only 1; because it was snowing and snowing a lot. There were crashes everywhere and we could have walked faster than we were driving. At one point a car slid to a stop ahead of me so I slowed. I was stopped when the car behind me hit his brakes and slid right past me. Another car coming toward us had t o swerve to the side to not collide with the gentleman that slip past me; He apologized as he went by. I was just happy he did not hit me or anyone else; we all just kept going; that was a blessing. We were late for the board meeting but they were gracious to let me meet anyway and then blessed us to drive home safe. They motioned to give me until September to get a full time job and then we will review and then I should finish in a year. I am grateful I did not listen to Kathy and got my CEU’s because they asked me about them and I was able to share with them what I had; I earned 25 per year so that made me look good. Ken Roach,

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one of my instructors remembered me this time and was more kind; it was nice he is the teacher that apologized for misjudging me; he was my favorite by far. Anyway, we stopped by mom’s and had lunch then I took a nap. My nerves where tapped out and I had a headache from not taking my protein. I woke to dad very compassionately saying, “that really stressed her out didn’t it” dad really does love and care about me. He does not show it well but I am coming to learn he loves me no matter what his mouth says. I was thankful for the rest. When I arrived home I had just enough time to pray. So through a mass of tears I knelt and talked to FAther and told him all my struggles. He did tell me he already knows but I told him anyway as a way to appreciate that he honors my agency. I wept and wept. I shared how I am asked to be a mother and work and I am not sure how. I told him I need full time work and would like to get on at the jail. I remembered my dream about how I was stuck with criminals and could not get out. I also reminded him that he would tell me where to go and I needed to know soon. I prayed for his help as I need it so much. Then I opened the Book of Mormon. I turned first to Korihor and how if our trials were taken. I accept that we need these trials to learn to be like father and I don’t need them taken but I do need help I am tapped out. Then I opened another as that made me feel a little low. I turned to 3 Nephi 27:27-30 “...Therefore, what manner of {woman} ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am. And now I go unto the FAther. And verily I say unto you, whatsoever things ye shall ask the FAther in my name shall be given unto you. Therefore, ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for he that asketh, receiveth; and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened. And now behold, my joy is great, even unto fullness, because of you, and also this generation; yea, and even the Father rejoiceth, and also all they holy angels, because of you and this generation; for none of them are lost.” I need to ask and the father will give it to me. I need to appreciate my agency and use it to look to Father more. Dave offered to give me a blessing last night so I accepted and father told me he was proud of me and what I am doing. He again told me, if I may say he told me through this verse, he is rejoicing because of me. Now, I have worried that if I work my kids may do bad things and be lost and he is telling me, I hope that they will not be lost. Somehow we will work together and make this time work. I am to ask for a full time job. I am asking him to work at the jail if that is possible. The girls and I counseled together regarding the soon to come full time employment for me that means summer, that means James can work less overtime except his necessary time, it does mean more money and I can pay on my school loans. I have always wanted to work in the jail with the inmates. I want to work with foster care kids as well. So then I sit to study and this is the first thing I read, “Since life in the Church illustrates, painfully at times, our own defects, as well as the defects of others, we are bound to be periodically disappointed thereby in ourselves and in others.” and thank you Elder Maxwell for the words of how I feel today. Disappointment in myself and my old supervisor; here the irony as well; she has wanted me to work more and just when I need to work more she lets me go. We come as we are; with all our weaknesses and weirdness and we need to work together to get through this life. Father blessed me with patience with James and with the girls and to remember the atonement of Jesus Christ; today I learn that patience and meekness go together. With too much “...swiftness, there could be no long-suffering, no gradual soul stretching, nor repenting.” For he will give unto the faithful line upon line, precept upon precept; and I will try you and prove you herewith. [D&C 98:12] I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more. [2 Nephi 28:30]

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“Meekness can rescue us from ourselves even when we are deep in error, even when others have written us off.” I am never so far gone that I cannot choose meekness and He will save me; he will lead me; He will deliver me. “The meek likewise understand still another reality—that, as much as or more than anything else, it is our faith and patience that are to be tried (see Mosiah 23:21). Our trials, however, occur in the context of this precious promise: Thus God has provided a means that man, through faith, might . . . becometh a great benefit to his fellow beings. [Mosiah 8:18]” after enduring my trials I can “a great benefit to” my fellow brothers and sisters. “I need thee every hour most gracious Lord, No tender voice like thine can peace afford. I need thee, oh I need thee; every hour I need thee! Oh bless me now, my Savior I come to thee!” Meekness does not stay when it is not welcome; so many get some authority and become vain. This is my greatest fear that I will fall when I get some authority and cease to ask God. March 14-Thursday Meek and Lowly Elder Neal A Maxwell: I am being tested in my weakest of areas right now. He did promise He would make my weaknesses my strength (Ether 12:27) and right now my inability to be meek is being tested. I am not sure how I am doing. Today I feel depressed about it. I know I need a full time job; I don’t want it until the first of June or end of May after our camping trip. I am honoring Father and my own agency by asking more as I don’t ask enough I just assume God will give it to me because I am faithful; not so. I am being humbled to ask. “In those instances of available record, the Lord has displayed much gentleness and tenderness in his tutoring of meek individuals.” I can count on HIm being gentle and tender with me. I am trying to believe this. Most leaders in my path have not been gentle. Well Jim has been gentle; Jim Schwartz. He is a very gentle kind loving man, like no other man in my story. My dad is not gentle, James has gentle moments for sure but he really is not that gentle either. I have had at least a few bishops that were gentle and tender. Most people talk to me like they have to change me or put me in my place; or at least that is how I feel. May be that is a thinking error. Maybe I am so prideful I need to be put in my place. But then I think about how much I was willing to learn from Jim and how others I kind of ignore. I know I began to ignore Kathy; the more resentful she became the more I ignored her counsel and the more resentful she became; that’s funny and ironic isn’t it? Do I even know how to be gentle myself? No I am not a gentle person either. I could use some gentleness in my life; I can look back and see that I like it; I just have not had it much. Gentleness and tenderness go against all that my father on earth taught me. I am scared, what if I just can’t accept it? Or do it? “The pattern usually involves his disclosing more about himself, about his work, and what taking his yoke upon us will mean. He thus expands the horizons of the person being tutored. The Lord likewise usually assigns the individual a portion of the Lord’s work to do. The disciple’s course involves more lab and fieldwork than lectures.” So what assignment do I need to learn? “For the serious disciple, the greater his knowledge, the greater his meekness. The more he strives to become like Jesus and the more he wishes to declare his gospel, the more he rejoices exceedingly when Christ’s message is heeded,...” I can testify that this is true. I may not have been seeking meekness but I do seek out God’s knowledge. I hunger and thirst after righteousness and pray that meekness will continue to follow. Upon doing this study I have some to realize that I have some meekness, it may not be alot but I have some. I can see that as I have grown in knowledge I have come to desire to be more and more like Christ. I have come to gain a greater desire to share the good news with others; years ago I was too afraid. I have to admit that I do rejoice when others heed the commandments as well. I know there is great joy and rejoicing, peace and love and

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blessings in keeping the commandments and heeding Father’s words. I am now being tested to see if I will ask and heed. Mother reminded me that she worked more and more as we got older and we last three have not yet fallen away and gotten lost from the truth. I can work full time for a year or maybe a couple and then once I am fully licensed I can look for part time and be part time until the girls are all raised. In this year of full time I will have to sacrifice all their little parties and award assemblies; I was able to be there being part time. But then maybe I can still volunteer for some short things. In sharing with the girls I did tell them we would have more money; they kind of liked that. “...preparing, reassuring, instructing…” Qualities of FAther and qualities of a good leader. GEntleness and tenderness even in his voice. . it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul—[Helaman 5:30] . . . yea, a pleasant voice, as if it were a whisper. [Helaman 5:46] . . . it was not a harsh voice neither was it a loud voice; nevertheless, and notwithstanding it being a small voice it did pierce them that did hear to the center. [3 Nephi 11:3] “The pattern of calling, blessing, expanding, reassuring, and endowing are reflective of the generosity as well as the gentleness of God our Father and his son, Jesus Christ!” Expanding is kind of painful physically, mentally, and emotionally. I feel great disappointment that I don’t have it and fear that I may never reach it. Or I just plain fear it will take forever and it will hurt a lot; it’s already hurting a lot and I am really tired. I am going to need the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ now more than ever before. I think I really need to go to the temple as well. I feel downtrodden and heavy laden. But I have hope that I will come to know God better and myself more. Ok Father, what do you have in store for me? I am at thy mercy. I have to ask because I know of no other way to get what we need right now. I don’t know how to look for a job or how to get one. I know I am no more qualified than anyone else. I can understand why Howard W Hunter could give up a job to someone else who also needed it; right now I would do the same. Even when there is a drawing; deep down I want to win but I know there is someone who needs it more than me. “Astonishingly, to those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, it is clear that the Father and the Son are giving away the secrets of the universe! If only you and I can avoid being offended by their generosity.” What if I am just not enough? What if I disappoint? What if I just cannot get there? All I have is that I am willing to try; I am stepping with trepidation but I am stepping so here we go. March 16-Saturday We spent the morning playing with Heather Phillips and her children. She has three boys and a girl. Attira was loving wrestling with her 7 year old Maddox. Heather apologized for her rowdy boys and I told her there was no need; I was enjoying the maleness; it was wonderful. We then returned home to study our scriptures and clean. Then we all went to Resha’s; all except Nakiya she wanted to stay home so she did not clean. Resha and I went shopping and then to pick up Clint and his friend Carson. We returned home a little late as I had a hot date with my boyfriend. He understood and was happy to go out even if we were late. He wanted to take the girls so we picked up Cafe Rio and ate at home. Anyway today we studied and cleaned house. We are taking a break and then we will clean up the dog poop from the yard; there is a winters worth of it. AFter a more in-depth study of meekness I am returning to study the scriptures of Christ. See If Ye Love Me Keep my Commandments journal.

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The sun was up today and we had a glorious time cleaning up dog poop. We also had fun playing volleyball together. Attira and Zendia ran to a friends house and so it was Jatae, Nakiya and I that played volleyball. We just hit the ball back and forth to each other until my arms hurt and I could take no more. Jatae invited a couple friends over and they watched a movie. My thoughts are all over; sorry, welcome to my world. I am looking forward to working at the jail. I don’t have the job yet but I just feel like it’s my mission transfer; I am to stay working with this population and I love them. I am looking forward to getting my hours in and making some money so James does not have to work overtime. I am not looking forward to leaving the girls but I know God will enable us all to get through this. March 18-Monday Matthew 5 Beatitudes: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness : for they shall be filled. Well now this one is easy; I most definitely hunger and thirst after righteousness. I hunger to know what God knows and I hunger to read his words and to hear his voice teaching me. Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy; Ok this one is still a work in progress. I will admit sometimes I want justice. Like with Kathy sometimes I want her to feel the wrath of FAther for her poor choices. I feel like that more when i am not praying for my enemy aka kathy too. In order to keep mercy in my thoughts I need to keep mercy in my prayers. I could use some talk on mercy. I am merciful to my clients whom I believe have most had a rough upbringing and sometimes really cannot help the poor choices they make. The people i struggle having compassion and mercy for are those who I believe must know better; like the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. President J Ruben Clark “...I believe that in his justice and mercy, he will give us the maximum reward for our acts, give us all that he can give, and in the reverse, I believe that he will impose upon us the minimum penalty which it is possible for him to impose.” Why, then, do we see on every side those instances where people decline to forgive one another and show forth the cleansing act of mercy and forgiveness? What blocks the way for such healing balm to cleanse human wounds? Is it stubbornness? Could it be pride? Maybe hatred has yet to melt and disappear. “Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals!” For me it is the hurt a feel, the sense of betrayal. I feel mislead but them remember working with Kathy was nice while it lasted. I did not like working with her but I liked the freedom to work for her. The more she came in the more I disliked it. I was there out of duty to Father and I loved the clients; I did not enjoy working with her. I look back realizing I was trying to schedule when she was not there and leave as soon as I could. BEcause I believe what she did was wrong. She wronged me and she wronged our FAther in heaven whom she was ignoring but why must I think to take action or be angry that Father did not? It’s his place to take care of him. I need to pray for her. That is the mercy I can show. Stop feeling angry that she will carry on and have success. Or will she? Will the client she was fighting have success? I feel sorry for him and pray he leaves or she repents and can lead him to safety and learning. I will simply pray to forgive. To forgive Kathy, to forgive Bishop Bird and to forgive Bishop Davies if he has taken on the same thoughts of bird to a maybe slightly lesser degree. I will pray to have father help me forgive and to have kind feelings for them. I will leave it in God’s hands. March 20-Thursday Today is not a good day. I woke with a nightmare that the position had been filled at the jail. I am feeling angry with Kathy and God. Kathy for making me resign when it was her terrible behavior and Father because he allowed her to do it; and he is still blessing her with success and I have

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nothing. For a moment I felt like I may belong somewhere and now I feel homeless again. Really I just want to quit and let my license laps. I went to mom’s and the girls had logged me out so we could do no work. Mom did experiment with a new recipe which was really good. Mom noticed I was feeling down so I told her; she said God has always given me my job so maybe it’s a good thing and maybe it’s just my fear. We did have a good visit. I was tired driving home but we went around two blocks then I came home and slept on the couch. March 22-Friday I am madder than a hornet this morning. Spent all night defending against Annalee; I was yelling at her proving her false accusations as lies. She kept sending all those big brutes she calls a brother and sons to hurt me but they could not; I took them down. Then, now I am awake and James comes home and gets himself all ready to masturbate and look at porn. I hate, HATE James. He is a looser and like his mother he will never change. His DNA is tainted and sadly I have shared it with our girls. This relationship is dead to me as of right now. I am not doing this and I am not being nice to that pathetic moron. Week and cowardly he is. Just when I thought it could not get any worse and hahahah it does. I went in there to get something and he hides his tablet; I search and he has a shirt tucked in his bedding. I give him a chance to give me the tablet and he lies to me, he lies because he is dumb enough to believe I am that dumb too. I leave and come back to find him with the tablet in his hands; stupid idiot did not get it hid that time. Oh the devil laughing and is sleeping in my bedroom. I moved my bedding so he could not put his filth on it. I cannot wait for him to leave for work tonight. I hate that man James!!!! I am going to study even though I may not be worthy; I may not learn either but I am going to study anyway. Meek and Lowly of Heart by DAvid A Bednar April 2018; I find it interesting that it is the same title as the one I read from Elder Neal A Maxwell. Or his could have just been Meek and Lowly. Meekness: righteous responsiveness -Willing submissiveness -Strong Self-restraint -Is strong-not weak -Active-not passive -Modest- not self-aggrandizing -Gracious-not brash -Not easily provoked -Not pretentious=assumption of importance that is exaggerated or endeserved -Not overbearing -REadily acknowledges the accomplishments of others. -Meekness is a particular receptivity to learning both from the Holy Ghost adn from people who may seem less capable, experienced, or educated, who may not hold important positions, or who otherwise may not appear to have much to contribute. -Meekness is the principal protection from the prideful blindness that often arises from prominence, position, power, wealth, and adulation. -Attribute developed through desire. I have always wanted to be chosen and not called. -righteousness exercise of moral agency -always retain a remission of our sins -spiritual gift we may ask for and seek for

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-Meek is what we become as disciples of the Master -Disciplined self-restraint -Settled and calm demeanor -Being willing to put God’s wisdom above our own Jesus Christ is the greatest example of meekness. He is the eternal judge and he allowed a mortal judge to condemn him to death and he spoke not a word. The same power that could have saved him healed the man who was arresting him on false charges. Jesus knew he could call down an army of angels to fight for him and yet he submitted to the will of His father and was murdered on Calvary’s cross. “The Savior’s meekness is evidenced in His disciplined response, strong restraint, and unwillingness to exert His infinite power for personal benefit.” Faith-> Hope-> Meek and lowly of heart-> Confess by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ-> Charity-> kind, not easily provoked, suffereth long, not puffed up, thinketh no evil, rejoiceth in the truth, believeth all things, hopeth all things, seeketh not her own, endureth all things. March 23-Saturday Jatae, Nakiya and I went to the Jordan River temple today. I did some initiatories for our family and the girls did baptism’s with the youth for a ward member. It was beautiful; I look forward to attending as many temples in Utah that we can. Next week we go down to ST. George and we will attend Cedar City temple and the St. George temple. In the temple I read that the Nephites took three times to hear the voice of God before they hearkened and looked toward where the sound was coming from 3 Nephi 11. It make me feel better that even though it has taken me more than once to finally hearken to the word of God. Then I turned to the first vision where Joseph wants to know the truth and goes to the woods to pray. Satan comes upon the scene first off to stry and stop Joseph. Joseph describes it as a “real power”. Satan wanted to stop Joseph from praying and therefore eventually bringing forth the gospel of Jesus Christ. Just when Joseph feels he will be destroyed he is delivered from the evil when God the FAther and Jesus Christ appear to him. Satan is still trying to thwart the work of God. It was him who was trying to steal my hope of working at the jail; that is his kingdom and he does not want to lose it. It took me more than once to hearken to Father and to trust. Come to find out I had to redo my application as they changed the system by so doing I was also able to better my resume and reference list by combining them. March 25-Monday 12 steps to repentance: Jatae and I did this for her personal progress. She had to write down how to repent and what to fill her life with to keep her unspotted from the world. This was what the Holy Ghost prompted me to guide her to write. 1-Honesty: admit you are powerless to repent and change on your own. 2-Hope: Come to believe the power of God can restore you to spiritual health 3-Trust in God: decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the eternal FAther and His son Jesus Christ 4-Truth: make a complete moral inventory/assessment. Moral has to do with right and wrong and goodness and badness. See strengths and weaknesses. 5-Confession: admit to yourself and Heavenly Father in the Name of Jesus Christ the exact nature of your wrong. 6-Change of heart: become entirely ready for God to remove your character weaknesses. 7-Humility: humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcoming.

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8-Seeking Forgiveness: make a list of what you did wrong/who you hurt and become willing to make restitution. 9-Restitution and reconciliation: go and do 10-Daily accountability: Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong, promptly admit it. 11-Personal revelation: Seek through prayer and scripture study to know the will of the Lord and the power to carry it out. 12-Service: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all that you do. Mom and Dad came down for Attira’s grandparents day. Attira did so well; she remembered her lines and danced with much enthusiasm. She and I were making faces back and forth as well. After the program Attira got to ask her grandparents questions like what pets did you have, what games did you play and what was your favorite toy. Dad could not remember a toy so he said horses and his game was trick riding; after the sheet was turned in he remembered he liked to play marbles and brags that he won a lot of marbles in his day. He shared about his pet chipmunk and how he had a lot; they probably died from the food he gave them. We teased mom about her pet goat Annie and her pet pig Porky who began dinner. Her favorite game was Ali Ali over; where you throw a ball over the house and then run to safety or something like that. Mom’s favorite toy were jacks and her favorite food was “everything” dad and I helped with that one. Dad’s favorite food---fudge what else? We were encouraged to read Moral Agency by D. Todd Christofferson so here we go. In years past, we generally used the term free agency. That is not incorrect, but more recently we have taken note that free agency does not appear as an expression in the scriptures. They talk of our being “free to choose” and “free to act” for ourselves and of our obligation to do many things of our own “free will.”3 But the word agency appears either by itself or, in Doctrine and Covenants, section 101, verse 78, with the modifier moral:” Doctrine and Covenants 101:78 “that every man may act in doctrine and principle pertaining to futurity, according to the moral agency which I have given unto him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment.” So moral is right and wrong or goodness and badness; I thought of strengths and weaknesses as well. Agency: action or intervention to produce a particular outcome. From the medieval word “do” and the English word “agent”. We can act with goodness or we can act with badness. We can choose to do right or we can choose to do wrong. Moral agency!! That’s really cool, I had not ever thought of it this way. To think it’s not just free agency but moral agency. Moral also has to do with chastity; so chaste agency; interesting. “...freedom of choice is the freedom to obey or disobey existing laws—not the freedom to alter their consequences.” “...Father in the great premortal council, and that “there was war in heaven”17 to defend and preserve it.” The war in heaven was over our freedom to choose and act according to our own desires. Satan wanted to force us all to do what he wanted and he wanted all the glory. WE would have been puppets in his play, never learning just being acted upon. Satan continues to wage a desperate war to destroy our agency. He also likes us to relinquish responsibility denouncing our agency. “Remember, though, that we retain the right and power of independent action.21 God does not intend that we yield to temptation. Like Jesus, we can gain all we need in the way of a mortal experience without yielding.” I can gain all I need in the way of a mortal experience without yielding. I can choose to not yield; I can use my agency to not yield. I have known this for years but it just seems really cool tonight as I study. Like it’s a positive affirmation I can say to myself over and over.

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Agency; First we need choices-the one bitter the other sweet. Second: We must know the alternative choices. Third: now that we have the freedom to choose and we have the choice to choose from and we have knowledge now we can actively choose. March 26-Tuesday Dignified: having a composed manner worthy of respect. Noble: having high moral character or principles or ideals. Synonyms: righteous, virtuous, good, honorable, honest, upright, upstanding, decent, worthy, moral, ethical, generous, selfless, self-sacrificing, brave; excellent quality. Jatae stayed home today for an emotional wellness day. Together we studied repentance and went over step one in the 12-steps; being honest. We read through President Ezra T. Benson’s talk on BEware of Pride and then I had her write down all her sinful pride feelings. She was so cute and was feeling a little overwhelmed. At the same time there was a peace that came upon her as she came out with the truth. She would try and say no to certain aspects of pride but her face spoke volumes of truth. It was a peaceful time and she came to accept more of her powerlessness. Then she helped me organize the hall closet and then we went to the Dollar store for containers; I am nesting before I have to work full time. March 27-Wednesday We learned this morning that Christ is powerless too; the only reason he has power is because it was given him of the Father. I encouraged Jatae to see it and it was another sweet moment to admit we are powerless because if Jesus is powerless and look at what he did we are powerless and can do what he did because he will give us power because the FAther gave him power. That’s just amazing!!! Every once in a while we find great toys at the Dollar store and yesterday we found some great toys. The girls wanted more and I needed a pan anyway and I was impressed to get more than I would have them for birthday presents later. God is good to me when I listen. Jesus will fulfill all his words. His words are the words and will of His Father and His father, my Father completes all that he says he will. I can trust that he will then tell me where to go and get me a full time job that will enable me to fulfill His will for me and our children will not be lost because I am working out of the home. I am counting on this word, this promise that if I accept the mission call to counsel those who stand in need of comfort that it will please Father and our children, this generation will not be lost (3 Nephi 27:28-30). 2 Nephi 9:23: we are commanded to have “perfecto fe” or perfect faith in Christ. Is it really possible to have “perfect faith” in Christ? I am sure it is if we are commanded to do it then Father opens a way for us to get there. Oh I see that is what he is doing with me and all my trials to increase of perfect my faith in Him. Now I see. Through all my trials and tribulation He has been perfecting my faith in HIm. Well I can admit it is growing stronger and has grown stronger. I learned though that at the time I was fearful and was told to study faith; what I really needed to study was Jesus Christ. Studying faith did not increase my faith; studying Jesus Christ did. So when Nakiya was struggling; ok she is now I encouraged her to study Jesus CHrist and get to know him and that will therefore increase her faith. My wisdom and knowledge is only good if I hearken to the counsel of my Father in Heaven. If I don’t it will profit me nothing except to get me cast out of His presence; I don’t want to be kicked out. I pray that I will never see myself as too wise or too smart to hearken to the counsel of my Father in Heaven. My I always be meek and humble, always willing to submit to His will is my payer in the Name of Jesus Christ Amen!! Father is full of grace and mercy. I thank thee for perfecting or at least giving me the right plan to perfect my faith in thy Son Jesus Christ. I thank thee for a family to enjoy the journey with. I thank

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thee for the mercy to make mistakes and to learn from them. I thank thee for thy love and the gift of thy Son Jesus Christ. March 29-Friday James hung our dry erase board in the living room. We did not account for the clock and had to move it down. We now have two large holes in the wall; ok 4 really but two are hidden by the board as we moved it down and the other two are hid by our Bridges sign and a flower sticker we purchased at the dollar store. James laughed at me but until we prep to paint I just need it to not be visible. Last night Nakiya and I went to watch the High School play Aida. It was really good. Again there was some sexual insinuations that could have been left out. The music was wonderful and the love story a bit twisted and sad in the end. When we got home the kids were all in bed. It was beginning to rain and so I just had to go jump on the tramp and had such a great time. Last night I sat down to read my Book of Mormon and read about how Lehi and his family had to leave Jerusalem for safety reasons. God did not punish Jerusalem or stop them from hurting but he did lead Lehi and his family to a “better” land. He too will lead me to a better job. Whatever job I get will be better than the one I left behind. I believe this to be true and believe FAther will keep his promises; as I read last night he keeps his promises and he has promised to lead me to a better job. Connecting Daughters of God with His Priesthood Power march 2019 Ensign. Both men and women has access to Priesthood power. Both men and women play important roles in God’s work and have access to His power to accomplish his work. Bonnie L Oscarson was quoted as saying, “All women need to see themselves as essential participants in the work of the priesthood.” Our mission as brothers and sister is to 1-teach the gospel to the world, 2-strengthen the faith and build the happiness of the membership of the church and 3-carry forward the great work of salvation for the dead. Men and women are called to do these and both men and women have access to the power of the priesthood to complete this mission. Men and women carry heavy responsibilities. “Priesthood keys are “the authority Bod has given to priesthood [holders] to direct, control, and govern the use of His priesthood on the earth.” Pres Oaks. As women we are given authority to act in our callings. As a missionary I was set apart with Priesthood authority to preach the gospel to the people in GEorgia; a priesthood responsibility. AS a teacher in young woman's, primary and the scouts I was given priesthood authority to complete those callings. I had never thought it like that but I was. I am slow to appreciate I guess. “All worthy members who have received their endowment and keep the covenants they have made in the temple have priesthood power. Thus, women, married or single, can have priesthood power in their homes regardless of the visit from a priesthood holder.” Having priesthood power means I can receive revelation, be blessed and aided by the ministering of angels, I can learn to part the veil that separates us from our Heavenly FAther, I can be strengthened to resist temptation, I can be protected, and be enlightened, and made smarter than I am now. Because I was endowed I have a gift of priesthood power. I can testify I have been given revelation, I have been strengthened to withstand the fiery darts of the adversary, I have been enlightened, I have been blessed by the priesthood power even when James was not worthy to exercise his rights to the priesthood. Me being endowed is what did it. I often wondered how FAther continued to bless our family with that power when he was not worthy; it’s because I was. Please don’t think I am saying that to brag; I mean you can if you choose but know there is no bragging as I type. I am filled with a humble understanding that for that short time my gift to the power of the priesthood carried us all until my dear sweet James repented and was once again worthy to stand with me. Today we work together to be worthy of the priesthood power we both, all 6 of us have access to.

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I and we all receive this power of the priesthood as we make and keep sacred covenants. By receiving priesthood ordinances we as women and men receive access to priesthood power. By accepting and fulfilling callings we have authority in the priesthood. That is really amazing!!! I have had more power and more authority in the priesthood than I have ever thought about. I just became cooler to me as well. Daughters In My Kingdom: My job is to encourage the men to do good works. We are to look to the wants of the poor and needy. Why is the wants sticking out to me. It’s not about needs it’s about wants. I am to search for charity. I am to correct morals and strengthen the virtues of the female community. I am to expound scripture (explain the meaning of and teach), exhort (strongly encourage), according as it shall be given to me of the Spirit which is available because of the power of the priesthood. Doctrine and Covenants 25; was written and given to Emma Smith. However, Joseph the Prophet read it the day He organized the Relief society and gave it as not only a promise to Emma but to all the daughters of God’s kingdom. I am therefore promised that if I am faithful and walk in a virtuous path before God I will receive an inheritance in Zion. I am to not murmur because there are things that I cannot see; I have talked with many that I have taken time to grieve my status as a stay at home mother. Be it known that it is the best and most glorious calling I have ever had. I will always be a mother but in the very near future it will not be my full-time calling as Father has called me to work full time. My kids will always come first but now we have to learn how to manage our new schedule. I have shared that there will be blessings ahead of us I just cannot see them now. I am not sure if that was murmuring or just an emotionless statement of truth with the hope that when we see the blessings we will appreciate them and rejoice in them. I alway get a tender smile and chuckle when I read that I am to be a comfort to my beloved James with consoling words and a spirit of meekness. I am not gentle as meekness entails but I am trying. I have progressed and still have room to grow more. I have been “ordained” as a woman and a mother in Zion to expound the scriptures to our family and to exhort them to repent and obey God’s commandments; this is the one calling I will never and I repeat never be released from and I glory in knowing that. I don’t need to be set apart to expound or aka nurture our family; I was authorized when James and I were married; or was it before when I made sacred covenants in the temple? Maybe both. I need not fear, James will support me in the church, in parenting, in our marriage. James will support me; he will get to be home more and not have to do so much overtime. Oh, and it just might be a non-profit organization which will help with cutting down on some of our loan. We will now be enabled to begin to pay down on my loan too instead of it looming over our heads like a dark cloud of misery. It will be a blessing to pay it off, eventually. I must lay aside my sins and the things of this world. I will seek the things of a better. James just gave us all blessings; i am to not get comfortable as more trials await. Mom and dad are proud of me even if dad covers his tender feelings with anger, Father says there is a reason he does this. I am to go forward and help those in need and possibly bring them some comfort and give them the tools they need. Our girls will miss me as they love me and I know I will miss them. Father is pleased with me and my career choice and believes I will do what’s right even if others don’t. I must take advantage of the time we have together as a family and not take it for granted. It’s going to have to be quality time for sure. Zendia was blessed to be a good little sister and to help out her sisters, to follow their good examples and to tell them when they are behaving poorly. She is to grow her love for her mother and her father and know we love her. Attira is to work on her tone so that others will hear what she has to say and not feel she is yelling. Her and Jatae were told that when they feel anger or bad feelings satan has them and they are to get rid of the negative. Jatae was blessed to be slow to anger and to follow the example of her older sister; she has a spirit much like

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her mother that when she sets her mind on something she will accomplish it. God expects great things from her. Attira was blessed to listen during scripture study and to grow her love for her mother and to take our counsel. Nakiya was told her sisters’ look up to her and will follow her example even if she doesn’t know it. She was blessed to be a good example for them. Jatae was blessed that Nakiya will show her what to do and sometimes what not to do. Nakiya too was blessed that great things are expected of her from us as her earthly parents and her father in heaven. She was blessed to not get offended at the small things to to pray often and to read the scriptures on her own time. She was told she is growing into a beautiful young woman. Zendia was blessed with what she needs at this crucial time when I am going to work full time; I needed that as I worry more about leaving her as she is so young. I cannot get comfortable; I thought the trials were raging now but it looks like they will continue to come. Attira was told she has her agency but as she obeys her sisters’ her agency and freedom will grow not diminish; she was blessed to not be defiant anymore but to follow the examples of her sisters’ and to obey. If I am vigilant and don’t get comfortable; if I have the Lord, James, and our family we can get through the trials together. We must get through together. Sometimes I think James will be called home too soon; I really hope I am wrong on this one. I will make the best use of our time together. The girls have all been counseled to pray and notice when the spirit leaves and satan has a hold on them. They were counseled to pray and rid themselves of this evil that they will feel happy and peaceful. I add my own prayer that they will work together as a team and be a strengthened to one another. I pray they will support one another and be united as one. Nakiya was told to focus on her feelings and not others. March 30-Saturday I do not know why it is so hard to get the girls moving on Saturday morning; ok I might have an inclination but still. Anyway, we got some breakfast and then went over how Jesus can make more out of us than we can. We come to him as the five loafs and 2 fishes and he turns us into feeding thousands and with 12 baskets left over. We went over steps 1-7 of the 12-steps and how they can help us turn to Christ so that he can make more of us than we can ourselves. Step one we are to be honest and accept we are powerless like Jesus. That we of ourselves can do nothing unless we do the will of the Lord. 2-We must have hope that Father gave of his power to Jesus and Jesus will shares his power with us. 3-Trust; we must trust that FAther and the Son and the Holy Ghost will use us and make the best of us. WE need to trust in their plan and know that it is perfect for each of us. Catered to our needs and wants. 4-Truth; we are to take inventory of our strengths and weaknesses. 5-Confess our sins and our weaknesses before God 6-Change of heart; be ever so willing and ready for Him to change us for we know that true lasting change comes only through Him. and 7-humility; we must ask him with a humble heart to change us or in this case to make us adequate for the things he ask us to do. After studying we cleaned. I have two jobs as James in on the job list but he cannot begin until after I start working and he gets to stop doing so much overtime. I got to jump for about a minute before we came back in. I did get a shower at some point, no one cares but I told you anyway. Attira is speaking on Sunday so we sat down to prepare her talk; she was upset and nothing came. Finally, she begins to cry sharing how she is going to miss me and does not want me to work. We went over how Jesus did the will of the FAther no matter how hard it was and we too must do the will of the Father no matter how difficult. I don’t want to work, trust me I would rather be home with her and her sisters’ anyday. But I know that Father has called me to work. I will do HIs will even when it is hard. The will of the FAther was that Jesus came to earth to suffer our sins and die so that he could be resurrected; that was hard for him; he asked that if God be willing let this cup pass but not his

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will but Father’s be done. I too want this cup to pass but not my will but Father’s be done. Attira wants this cup to pass but not her will but Father’s be done. March 31-Sunday Wow! I was like, “really!” as the testimonies began. Brother Cope right out of the gate testified of how we need to submit to the will of the Lord. Then the next one testified of trials and our pioneer ancestors and how they suffered. I thought of grandma Loader and how she could not walk a mile before walking to Utah and then she was one of the healthiest and one of the last to get in a wagon. I can do hard things, I can do the will of the Lord and he will keep his promises; our girl will not be lost because I have to work. I was able to ask my friend Alli if she would watch Zendia when I get the job and I would pay her. She was thrilled to have a playmate for her daughter. Attira gave her talk today on doing the will of the Lord as Jesus honored his father by doing His will and we need to follow Jesus’s example and do the will of the father. In Sunday school I was reminded of the Personal Finances group and was impressed upon to look through it again as our funds are about to double and I want to do what God would have us do with our money. Money is temporal spiritual blessing. We need to be united with God and each other. We have talked about paying Nakiya $3 an hour and Jatae $2 when they watch the girls. They were all happy to learn how to pay tithing, save, and pay for their own things like school clothes. As a family we studied the keys of the priesthood and went through a scripture chain I had written down and then wrote on the board what keys the prophets have and other general authorities. We are definitely getting the use out of our dry erase board and it looks nice too. Then Jatae and I worked on her personal progress and Nakiya looked at the 12 steps of addiction recovery and then read President Benson’s talk on Beware of Pride; she too wrote down what prideful characteristics she has. The too laughed at how many characteristics they both have. WE all had a good laugh at that; I enjoy that they can enjoy humor in their weaknesses. John 10:10 “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly” What is an abundant life? Well, abundant means having in large quantities, generous, bountiful, rich, lavious, etc. So having an abundant life would be having plenty of my needs and my wants. I have read a lot about wants and how we are to cater to the wants of our brothers and sisters. Jesus has come that we might have life and have it more abundantly; he wants to bless us. Do I believe there are solutions to our problems? Yes, yes I do. I also believe sometimes the answers or solutions don’t always come quickly. I tell the girls all the time to be solutions finders. How has Christ’s grace helped you obtain the spiritual and temporal necessities of life? Father has provided us with a beautiful home and yard. He has given us a car that’s really nice. He has given us food to eat and clothes to wear. Father has given us pets to enjoy, camping gear so we can go on vacation. Father lead me to Alli who is willing to watch Zendia. He has blessed us with health and strength. If I get the job at the jail then I can say Father has kept his promises and lead me to where to go. Granted, If I do not he will lead me to another location. Father sent us to a safe ward with leaders that love me and the girls. I know Bishops loves our girls. Father has blessed us with a temple close by. Father has blessed us with young woman leaders who will allow me to attend temple trips with them. Heavenly Father blessed me with greater understanding of my situation by reading the Book of Mormon. By reading about Nephi and how God lead him to a greater land; I know Father will do the same for me. Father has given me an interview with the jail health department. Father has given me the blessed opportunity to be home with our girls more often then I worked in the past. I have been blessed to be available to them. Father has blessed me with encouragement to make the best of our time together. Father has given us a trampoline that we enjoy, scooters we enjoy, and a pool. To name just a few. Father helped us take down the fireplace wall that was not safe and helped us uncover

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that there is leaking around the fireplace; a leak we need to fix before we can close it up. He helped us see the problem before so we can fix it. Father has provided enough for us financially that Dave can live here for free. 1: God has commanded us to be self-reliant-we will submit and do it. 2: God can and will provide a way for His righteous children to become self-reliant-I believe this and God has shown us it can be done as we have put these principles into play in our life. We have been given ways to get out of debt and to save for rainy days. As we move forward, I believe God will provide more ways or at least help us maintain the course to become self-reliant. Oh, and I know that God will never give me a commandment and then leave me alone to figure it out. I know that when he commands us to do something he provides a way. 3: The temporal and spiritual are one in the eyes are God; “WHerefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual” D&C 29:34. There is nothing that is temporal to God; it’s all spiritual. The sister made a comment that debt free is sin free but I don’t agree at this point. Some of our debt if from righteous obedience; like my schooling that was not a sinful debt but a righteous debt; one that God commanded I get into. But it worked for her. Why does believing these truths help me become more self-reliant? I know it’s a commandment and that God gave it. I know that God gives me commandments and then provides a way to accomplish the goal he gave us. I know that in the eyes of God my financial situation in not temporal but spiritual in that my financial situation affects my spiritual. “Whatever causes us to be dependent on someone else for decisions or resources we could provide for ourselves weakens us spiritually and retards our growth toward what the gospel plan intends us to be,” Dallin H Oaks Repentance and Change Ensign 2003, 40 . I want to read this whole talk and think more on this statement. It definitely gives reason to believe that God can help us and all are spiritual in His eyes. April 1-Monday I read the promised blessings from the First Presidency in the Self-Reliant manual. God wants to provide for me; it’s his purpose. He will provide the temporal blessings we need and He will open the door so that we can become self-reliant; which is the ability for us to provide the necessities of life for ourselves and our family members. I am his daughter, He loves me and will never forsake me. He know me and is ready to extend to me the spiritual and temporal blessings of self-reliance. I need to practice faith, learn and grow, and teach these principles to our children. I need to trust in the Lord and accept the principles in the book and put them into practice. I need to diligently study it out, apply, and teach as we do this we will be blessed and grow in self-reliance. We will also be blessed with peace, hope, and progress. To be fully self-reliant I need food, money, support and understanding or I call it emotional intelligence, I need to learn so I can teach, and be spiritually strong so I can guide others. Money, food, emotional intelligence, learning, spirit… How confident am I about our financial future? Well, I get to feeling confident like we will actually get out of debt and then something happens like the roof, the fireplace, the doors, etc. We have cut down several credit cards and still have one left to go. Oh, not to mention that when I begin to work my school loans will come due. What does it mean that all things belong to the Lord? They do, He made it all so he therefore owns it all. He made the earth and everything living thing therein. All the trees, bugs, animals, humans, food etc. All things were made by him and without Him was not anything made that was made; he therefore owns it all. President Gordon B Hinkley “...be modest in your expenditures, discipline yourselves in your purchases to avoid debt...pay off debt as quickly as possible...set your house in order. If you have paid your debts, if you have a reserve, even though it be small, then should storms howl about your

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head, you will have shelter for your families and peace in your hearts.” To the Boys and Men Ensign Nov 1998. HOw does managing your finances make me a better steward? April 2-Tuesday I have learned today that I have little faith and I fear the Lord will take everything from me. The Lord told me he did not give me all these things to take them away. He told me he would lead me to a “better” place. He told me our children would not be lost. And shame on me, He gave them to me in the first place; he does not want to lose them either. In fact he loves them more than I do and wants them home more than I do. Lord, Help thou my unbelief, please. I need to fast and pray. Karen Carter called, she knew I did not want the hours so they gave the job to another and then she told me how to apply for both the jail and the women’s center in Payson which has not even posted yet. She wants to give me a job and told me she believes I would do well in Payson. She is a real gem and I appreciate her. Mom wants me to have the Payson one because she does not like the thought of me in jail. I would take either one; I just want what will enable me to serve the Lord and be a mother to my kids. God really is leading me along. How does managing your finances make me a better steward? I could not answer this yesterday. James arrived home and he and I discussed it. He says that when we work hard and manage our finances we appreciate it more and take care of it better. I agree that those who have things handed to them without working for it don't’ appreciate it but that does not lead me to understand how managing finances can make me a better steward. But then as I think about it as a whole; like this-working makes us appreciate what we have and we want to make the best of what we have so we pray and ask God how best to spend it, save it, and work with it. As he guides us we make wiser decisions, we save more and with more appreciation, we spend more maturely and in turn we become more like Him aka a better steward. A steward is someone who looks after, has responsibility for, manages. Managing our finances has made us better stewards, more responsible adults, and more wise at managing what God has given us. We take time to pray more often regarding our home. We prayed about the roof and fireplace etc. and God told us he was not going to fix it but he has brought us peace in finding a place and getting the money to do the job. Managing our finances has made us more responsible. Looking at the self-reliant house map; how can each of these items help us on our path to successful financial stewardship? Foundation: faith In Jesus Christ+unity with spouse+commitment to self-reliance; This is God’s plan, he is my Father in heaven, He loves me and cares about me, He wants to bless me while on this earth and he wants me return to Him probably more than i want our girls to come home from school. He sent Jesus for me; through Jesus’s name or his plan and his work we can return home, we can be happy. God gave me this home, He gave me our four girls, He gave me James, He gave me my gift to counsel and help others; He gave it all to me. He wants me to become like him and he knows what I need to do that. He wants to help me build a strong family, a strong marriage, and a strong life in and through His son Jesus Christ. Jesus did all he did for me. Unity with James: we are married, we are one. God gave James to me and me to James; or rather he gave us ourselves and we have chosen to give ourselves to each other. JAmes and I are captains of team Bridges. It was a fiasco when we were not united; now that we have been united for a year or so now we have cut down our credit card debt and have even been able to save. We support each other, we carry the burdens together and it does not seem so bad. Together we are now committed to self-reliance and so completing the rest of the steps is possible. 1-pay tithes and offerings; For years I paid the tithing and at one point James began to complain about it so I put his complaining/pride to the test and told him to do what he wanted. He did not

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pay tithing and it did not last much. It only took two pay checks before he could see the blessings of tithing and he has been a united front with me from that time. We always pay our titing first and we always have enough. When he did not pay our tithing the money was gone and gone fast. We have a united testimony of tithing. We also pay a generous offering. It was James who first encouraged me to pay more. We had gotten into a routine habit of paying a certain amount. It was not much but for a time it was all we could do. Now that he is making more we could do more and he encouraged me to be more generous; it feels good to be generous. The challenge in Malachi is real, “Prove me now herewith…” He has opened the windows of heaven, He has poured out blessings. I feel guilty for not trusting Him better. 2-Protect your family from hardship: 1 month emergency savings, 3-6 months’ savings, insurance. I feel so safe and free when we have savings. We have not been able to have the full amount, yet. But we have needed to use it on so many occasions and it is rewarding to know it is there and there is a peace of mind that I am not sure I can explain. We have faith and we keep paying ourselves and growing our savings. We have insurance that has made checkups possible and makes getting glasses for me easier. Yah, life is easier when we have insurance. James is able to get his meds, we have regular dental visits, and our physical health needs are met. 3-Eliminate Debt; it just feels good to see debt leave. Granted, for us more comes but that is not the point. We have eliminated James credit cards and have only one left. We will have a new loan for the roof soon but we are going to have the means to pay for it. We are using the snowball effect and will continue until we are debt free, we may be in our 80’s but we will eventually be debt free. 4-Save and Invest for the future; savings, home ownership, education, retirement. I have the education, we have a retirement savings even though small and we are making our house payments. I like that this is more long term and we don’t have to do it all now. 5-Continue to give and to bless others: teach your children, lift the poor, and press forward in Christ. Now that we have this program we teach our children along the way so maybe it can be a little easier for them financially or at least they will have the skills they need before it gets out of hand. Doctrine and Covenants 104:14-15 “I, the Lord, stretched out the heavens, and built the earth, my very handiwork; and all things therein are mine. And it is my purpose to provide for my sains, for all things are mine.” This is hard for me to believe when I have a father on earth who prides himself that he will never help us. Mom does even if he says he won’t. I think that is why it’s so hard to believe God will provide and that his purpose is to provide for me. I learned from dad that God wanted to punish me and make me suffer and wanted me to struggle and do it all myself; that is a lie. April 3-Wednesday How does my faith in Jesus Christ affect my self-reliance? Honestly, I am not sure. Let me think about this…. God sent Jesus Christ and commissioned him to create the earth. Jesus created all things, “and without him was not anything made that was made.” under the direction Of the Father Jesus created the earth and all that lies upon it. It is only in and through the name of Jesus Christ or His work and His plan that we can become self-reliant. Wait in other words His work and His plan is that we are stewards. His plan is to make us accountable. “For it is expedient that I, the Lord, should make every man accountable, as a steward over earthly blessings which I have made and prepared for my creatures.” Doctrine and Covenants. His plan is to make me “accountable” His plan is for me to be a “steward” over what he has given me. He wants me to be self-reliant. Having faith in His plan also gives me hope in is plan and the ability to fulfill His plan. Faith is a principle of action and power; focused on the Savior Jesus Christ. We have an idea and we begin, we act. Like with the jail, I am acting I filled out applications for the jail and another on accident. I began with an inkling toward the jail but Father may be pointing me to the women’s

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facility. The promise to me is that he will lead me, when will he lead me when my feet are wet. “We have enough to get started. We have a sense of the right direction.” “True faith is focused in and on the Savior Jesus Christ.. And always leads to action.” David A Bednar Exercise Faith in Jesus Christ movie. Why does true faith always lead to action? The scripture teaches that faith without works is dead. If true faith is centered in and on the Savior Jesus Christ then he has asked us to come and follow him; therefore having faith, believing in Him, trusting in him will always lead us to come and follow him=action. Why is faith necessary for God to help us temporally and spiritually? We have to trust in His plan and in His work. We need faith in Jesus Christ to have enough faith to know it’s worth it. I have to trust that His purpose is to provide for me both temporally and spiritually. I have to believe and trust he wants to provide for me. How will honoring the Sabbath, taking the sacrament, and reading the Book of Mormon help us become more self-reliant? “The fulness of the earth is promised to those who keep the Sabbath day holy.” President Russell M Nelson. Well, God says he keeps his promises so if he promised that the fulness of the earth is for those who keep the Sabbath day holy then He will keep His promises. Making and keeping sacred covenants bring spiritual power, says Neil L Anderson. Again if God promises it, “by my mouth or by the mouth of my servants it is the same.” He will keep His promises. He will keep his promises; therefore if I keep my covenants I will have spiritual power to get a job and get out of debt. We are again promised spiritual power and that the Book of Mormon can be our own Urim and Thummim (Richard G Scott). President Monson gave similar promises regarding the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon has been a Urim and Thummim for me; as I have read it was just what I needed to bolster my faith and keep me going. Like Nephi and his father had to leave Jerusalem due to danger; I have had to leave our ward and my job due to safety issues. There was another recently that I believe I typed, and hope I did because I cannot remember what it was. We traveled down to St. George today to be with Grandpa Bridges and grandma. The drive was fun; we played bingo finding yellow, orange, purple and one pink vehicle. We have flat stanley with us and pretended he was enjoying watching out the window. We had great conversation and lots of laughter. It was a good time. I want to remember that God will keep his promises; he will therefore lead me to a job. He will keep his promises. April 4-Thursday So it was really cook we read about Doctrine and Covenants 110 yesterday and how it was a revelation given to Joseph Smith on April 3 in the 1800’s. We did not get a chance to read it yesterday but it was still cool. We read it today for family scripture time. We discussed more regarding Keys to the priesthood and restoration. We hiked the red rocks this morning; oh what joy we experience each time we hike the rocks together. We took flat stanley with us and took some fun photos. Mom Bridges was allowed out of rehab for dinner today so we made homemade pizza. James and I had to do some food shopping to. We had a good visit with mom and dad as we ate and then she had to go back to the center. April 5-Friday Think of examples of hard workers in my life; what attributes do they have in common? I think of my mom and my dad, along with my grandparents. They were happy, a bit prideful that they could outwork anyone, they took responsibility for what they had, they managed the finances and always

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had enough. They were able to provide for their families. We ate what we had, we appreciated what we had, and we took care of it. President Spencer W Kimball “...No true Latter-day Saint, while physically or emotionally able, will voluntarily shift the burden of his own or his family’s well-being to someone else.” Dave is at a great risk if he continues to lean on us. He needs to get into a more self-reliant position. AS a family we need, no it is crucial we avoid, blame, distrust, and anger. “...wise financial stewardship can bring loved ones closer to each other and to God, .. can safeguard from evil...can bring gratitude, harmony, and peace.” Why is it important for spouses to be one in financial matters? James, “It’s the only way it will work.” Well said from the man who was falling asleep and not really into discussing this with me. He believes that because we did it once we don’t need to do it again. I believe differently; I believe going over it again and again can only help; like reading the Book of Mormon over and over; each time I learn something more. How can financial discord be more damaging than low income or lack of resources? Financial discord brings blame, distrust, and anger the very three things we are commanded to avoid in our homes. I know it brought all of those to our marriage. For years I blamed James, felt like I could not trust him and felt betrayed by him. Finances left us feeling against one another and we finally chose to leave it alone and get by until we found a better way. This course in the self-reliance manual was the way we needed. Through forgiveness and repentance we stopped blaming, we stopped fighting and chose to trust one another. How can being unified with your spouse change your life? For us it has changed us for sure. We work together to make financial decisions. We do feel more gratitude for what we have and for each other. We feel greater hope together as we are striving to get out of debt. We are more one than ever before. We are happier, healthier, and just all around better. James has realized that he just has to do more overtime; he did not want to and I believe may have resented that I was not helping financially. He repented and has accepted that overtime is what he needs. At the same time I do need to work full time and he is feeling hopeful that he can be home more. Working overtime has helped him appreciate being home more as well. Working together on our finances has made as a more powerful couple in love, in stewardship, in parenting, in everything. We need good spending habits, build up savings, and reduce or eliminate debt. I can teach the girls to have good spending habits and to build up savings. By teaching these skills to the girls they will be wiser financial stewards and may be able to stay out of debt or at least make wise decisions when it comes to financial stewardship. I was taught to save and that skill has saved us so many times throughout the years. I was just telling them I would like to go over this course with them at some time. Like when they get a job, and most definitely with their spouse when they get engaged. We began to counsel with the Lord more concerning our finances and then we stopped. We could pick this habit back up. James and I do counsel together when it comes to our finances we could do so more with the Lord. Finances are not as stressful as they used to be and we are hopeful that as I get a job James can work less overtime and be home more and we can be less strapped and more self-reliant. Our finances will double, granted my school loan will be higher as it is coming due now anyway. I do not hide my spending from James and He is doing better at being honest with me. James and I have aligned our financial desires now we need to align it or make sure that is what God’s wants as well. We could, need to be better at counseling about money with the Lord. Granted, when I think of this I think of how we prayed about the roof and other stuff and God said he was not going to take that from us. I hope he will help us through. I get the impression we won’t qualify for help without me working. I really need a job Father. April 8-Monday

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3 years all converted to Christ 110 years of peace. Pattern of decline No contentions No disputations Worked in unity All things in common No rich or poor No slaves All free Participants of the gift of the Celestial kingdom Peace Great and marvelous works Healed the sick, brought back the dead, Deaf received hearing Blind receive their sight All miracles performed in the name of Jesus Christ. The Lord prospered them They were strong, beautiful, and delightful. Rebuilt cities They married The promises of the Lord’s blessings were upon them. They fasted and prayed and met often to hear in the word of the Lord. Kept the commandments of God. There was no wickedness of any kind. No classes, no races, no ites. All united in Christ Brotherhood of love. Sisterhood of love. 110 at least for entire nation to be one with Christ 194 years for majority to be united in Christ 200 Extremely rich, covered all the land. The righteous continue to prosper The Lord delivers them without harm The righteous do not fall away. Righteous united in Christ. Small band rebelled: labeled themselves as ites. 201 pride Fancy clothes, and jewelry No longer in common Divide into classes/race/groups Built up churches to get gain Ignored the church of Christ. 210 lots of different churches Professed Christ Tolerated all kinds of sin Gave that which is sacred to the unworthy. Iniquity abounds Satan owns their hearts.

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Persecute the true Saints of Christ for the miracles which are wrought amongst them. Exercise power and control over disciples of Christ. Put the disciples of Christ in prison Hearden their hearts Desire to kill disciples of Christ. Actions follow desires to kill False priest and prophets Seek to hurt righteous followers of Christ 230 Grand division Label groups and divisions SEveral wicked divisions. Willfully rebelled against God TEach their children to rebel. Iniquities and abominations TEach children to abhor the righteous. 244 Wicked more numerous then the righteous. 260 Gadianton robbers Righteous are now prideful and like the Lamanites 300 all wicked except disciples of Christ. Gadianton robbers cover the face of the earth. 320 sacred record buried for a wise purpose in the Lord. April 9-Tuesday We went for a walk yesterday and passed a group of young men. In the crowd was the young man I dreamed would marry Jatae. As I took Sadie from Jatae to get her out of line of the young men Jatae clung to me and after we passed them she held on tight to my hand; this is unusual for her. Then she tells me that the same young man I dreamed about was the young man she dreamed about. I don’t know his name but I pass him every morning as I walk home from dropping off Nakiya at school. Yesterday he was plugged into headphones and today he was not so I said “good morning”. As we passed yesterday I said, “hello gentlemen”. They were all so adorable. Jatae noticed his little mustache and I didn’t until today; it is little and cute. I pray he has a burning desire to find truth and that friends will share the restored gospel of Jesus Christ with him. When I told James he was just confused as to why our daughters have had dreams and I have had dreams of those young men without telling each other until after of whom they will marry. His response was, “We never had dreams about each other.” No but we did not know each other and he had a dream the moment he met me and he knew he would have all girls. So God did speak to him. I pray Isaac will be faithful and strengthen his testimony of the Savior and be a good and righteous young man. I know he is a member via Lani a mutual friend and he was talking loudly about missions at the one football game Nakiya and I went to. The other young man I am not sure which is why I pray he receives it. He lives in our ward boundary but could be in the Spanish branch; if not I pray he will come to join the fold soon. For family fun night I purchased a small bat and some balls from the dollar store so we played baseball. Zendia was so proud she hit the ball a few times by herself. I love that James looks forward to playing with us on Monday nights. We call it family fun night instead of family home evening. Family fun night sounds better. Earlier I shared with the girls what I had learned from 4th Nephi concerning the pattern of how they fell unto destruction. It began with pride as you can see above. Attira and Zendi were outside playing. We had a most delightful time.

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Nakiya received a blessing as she is stressing life again. God told her he is in control over all things and she is to be still and know that he is God. Nakiya was encouraged to strengthen her relationship with her father in heaven, to look to His counsel and that of her parents. AS she does this she will know peace. She was encouraged to put first things first and to prioritize her homework and do that which is due sooner first. Funny story, I told her that earlier and Father told her again and then gave the promised she will not be stressed and do well in her homework if she will do this. He also encouraged her to not worry about failing or her grades as she will do just fine in school. Jatae and I then worked on integrity for her personal progress. At this time Nakiya was jealous I was helping her and was too prideful to ask her dad. So she had a melt down, did some crying, and that is what lead to asking her father for a priesthood blessing. So as you can see, it was a great day. Zendia and I worked on Mm’s earlier and will do more today. We played a matching game, and then looked up animals that begin with Mm. We got our jobs done and were able to help the girls when they arrived home. We are truly blessed. James and I are praying about the roof and all our financial needs. Again I read that if I ask I will receive; I just wonder if I am asking the right questions and so I am asking to know what question I need to ask. I need a job. I need to be a mother and pur our girls first. I need it to work with our schedule so I am away from the girls as little as possible, and we need something at the right time. James is tired of overtime but I do want to finish the school year. I need the job by August for sure because I have a board meeting in September. I want to go where I can serve the Lord and do the most good. I want to go where I can grow as well. Where I have a wonderful supervisor who can teach me more and will love me without resentment. I want to feel safe going to work. Today: For the Strength of the Youth. Do Blessings Keep covenants I have made and the standards of the church Blessed with the companionship of the Holy Ghost. My faith and testimony will grow stronger I will enjoy increase happiness. Stay focused on the temple Receive the greatest of all the Lord’s blessings Marriage for time and all eternity Keep standards Worthy to enter the temple Enter the temple Perform sacred ordinances for my ancestors Seek His guidance Counsel with parents and leaders Heavenly FAther has placed great trust in me He has a work for me to accomplish Choices you make now Will set the course for much of what will follow in the future. Remain steadfast and valiant and that I will trust the Savior and His promises I will be an influence for good in helping to build the kingdom of God and prepare the world for the second coming of the Savior.

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Agency and Accountability: being proven to see if I will show my love for God by keeping His commandments. Have the moral courage to stand firm in obeying God’s will. Stand alone if necessary. Develop my talents. I am accountable to God for what I do with my talents. Search diligently the light of Christ and his knowledge Judge righteously The Holy can guide me to use my agency righteously. Set a good example for others. Consequences follow-always Righteous choices lead to lasting happiness and eternal life, and true freedom Bring joy to Heavenly Father. Be a child of Christ April 10-Wednesday James and I went on a date yesterday; we had dinner and while we ate I asked questions from a get to know you list. James would visit the city in Eragon if he could visit a fictional place while I would go to Hogwarts and all other Harry Potter land stuff. He hates it when people pick their nose and I cannot think of any bad habits that bother me except whining; that was all I could come up with. It made the date more exciting as we talked about random things. I look forward to our next date. Zendia and I did preschool working on Mm still. We made a map and buried treasure in the backyard for her sisters’ to find when they arrived home. It was raining but they still went out to find it. Jatae and Attira found it; the treasure was a bag of heart gems. WE had a family meeting last night ast the girls did not get homework done while we were not there. The electronics go off at 8:00 and they watched television before getting the essentials done. The consequence is no friends this week, Jatae gets the computer first and the front seat; Nakiya is having a controlling I am the older sister issue so a little compelling to be humble is her medicine. James and I worked together to teach her about letting the Lord take her burdens and how it feels weird when he does but Nakiya was commanded in her blessing to be still and know that He is God. We will all work on that together. We are all learning that we make mistakes and we get consequences to help us learn. I am improving as a mother that I can remind them with patience and love that we all make mistakes; it feels good to love them and tell them this. Then we look to ways of learning. I like it when I improve and this is one of those improvements. Dating: purpose-get to know each other, practice social skills, develop friendship, have wholesome fun, and eventually find your eternal companion. Group date at 16, multiple different people. Dating just one can lead to limiting meeting others and can lead to immorality. Introduce them to your parents. Protect honor and virtue, date others with high standards. Dates: safe, positive, inexpensive. Be kind, respectful, be courteous, listen. When married, “...make dating …. A high priority.” Be chaste=freedom Worthy to enter the temple Sealed for time and all eternity Dating in marriage keeps the love alive and well Happiness

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Dress and Appearance: “...you can show that you know how precious your body is.” Dress modestly Study the prophets. Talk with your parents Pray to Heavenly Father Invites the Spirit Can be a good influence on others Influences the way you act. Be prepared to enter the temple. April 12-Friday I lay down all day yesterday feeling exhausted by just getting up. I was trying to help the girls figure out a good schedule and to teach Attira she is not in charge Nakiya and Jatae are and to teach Jatae she does not have to take Attira’s bate like a fish. On the bright side I have an interview with the jail person on Thursday. James talked with another person involved in the out program and she said they really need a clinician. I am in need!!! Today we read about Jesus last day; or his last Thursday on earth. First thing that struck me was they all asked, “Is it I?” When told one would betray him. In our home we hear, “It wasn’t me.” or “It was Zendia”; yes she gets blamed for nearly everything. As a mother I was able to teach them I was once that selfish and that we need to repent and learn to ask, “is it I?” The next thing that struck me was Jesus really did know all that was going to happen; just like he can still see what will happen and warn us. We can know the future if God sees fit to show us. Also, Jesus told his disciples they would all be offended because of Him but he was not mad; he just told them. He knows that we will all be offended because of him at one time or another and he wants us to repent as did his disciples and he accepted them all back in the fold. NOt that I want you to be offended because of Christ but know that if you do He will forgive; he knew you and I would anyway and he is the way back. We sin and cause Him pain and he provides the way for us to feel free and loved; Only love can break a heart and only love can mend it again. April 15-MOnday I worked with Jatae on her personal progress; she is near completion at least with the smaller goals. She has completed a few of her 10 hour projects and will most likely be done by the end of the summer. Yesterday we worked on planning her garden so I could get her the seeds she needs; I had picked up some plants from Walmart so now we wait for it to dry a little before we plant. She also worked on reading about faith and it was fun to discuss her testimony of Jesus Christ. I enjoy working with her. As a family we watched and sang about the last few days of the Savior's life. Zendia loves to sing so I have been trying to sing a lot more for her. I felt the love of our Savior and I know Zendia did as well because she got more kissy and huggy; I told her that was the Spirit telling her what we were watching and learning is true. Attira was feeling love too. Jatae said she felt peace and James wept openly with me so I know he felt something too. The only one who I did not ask and who might have missed it is Nakiya and she was a bit grumpy yesterday. I learned in church that I need to change my stupid thinking. I shared how I grew up believing God was a God who loved to punish; he could not wait for me to sin and mess up so he could make me suffer. I know that God is a God of love. And as I listened to other sisters’ talk about stupid thinking I brought that up and my own and said if we could change our thinking to remember God has a plan for us, He wants to help us become like him then maybe we could look forward to our trials and plead for God to do what he needs to help us to become like him. I really want to be like

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him. I also learned that God loved Laban just as much as he loved Nephi and he wanted to give Laban an opportunity to choose the right and give the plates to Nephi; That is why God gave Laban so many opportunities. In the end Laban’s heart was hard and he would not yield; he therefore was killed so that the work of God could go forward. We were reading Elder Anderson’s talk Called Wounded from the last general Conference. I felt inspired to change my thinking; be still and know that I am God. He wants what is best for me. He sees what I cannot see. I will trust and not be afraid; timid maybe but I will go forward knowing he will lead me along. I felt impressed by the Spirit to open my scriptures and hear what God had to tell me; I had not done it for a while. I turned to Doctrine and Covenants 11 and first read verse 15 “Behold, I command you that you need not suppose that you are called to preach until you are called.” that stung deep in my heart as I have contemplated whether Father would call me to serve and where. I had come to the conclusion I would not be called to serve in this ward. Oh well. I often think about where I can serve and so it was a nice rebuke to stop. I am not called so I can stop. Then I read on, “Wait a little longer, until you shall have my word, my rock, my church, and my gospel, that you may know of a surety my doctrine.” well I thought was not fair because so many are called without a sure knowledge; I guess the Lord expects differently from me. I feel like I have sinned and am being rebuked over and over again. “And then, behold, according to your desires, yea, even according to your faith shall it be done unto you. Keep my commandments: hold your peace; appeal to my Spirit; Yea, cleave unto me with all your heart that you may assist in bringing to light those things of which has been spoken--...” Then I read this was given to Hyrum; a truly great humble man in my opinion. This is followed by that great verse, “ Seek not to declare my word, but first seek to obtain my word, and then shall your tongue be loosed; then, if you desire, you shall have my Spirit and my word, yea, the power of God unto the convincing of men.” “...seek the kingdom of God...build upon my rock, which is my gospel…” And I just read a text from Brother Cope to meet with a member of the Bishopric this Tuesday at 6:00. Funny Lord, very funny. Ok….. So I needed the rebuking but not what I originally thought. I have belonged to the Relief Society since i was 18 over half my life and yet I have detested going to Relief Society preferring my teaching callings with the children or the youth. Relief Society has been a drag really. I am repenting and following the prophet to come to understand the importance of the role we sisters play in the Relief Society. I guess it’s time for me to grow up and be a woman who embraces my role in the Relief Society under the direction of the Priesthood power of God our most beloved FAther in heaven. Trying to be meek has lead me to this. Tis time, my love, tis time. I read from DAughter in my Kingdom; I belong here, I belong. April 16-Tuesday It’s another dreary day with grey clouds covering the sky The girls are all off to school for the day. Nakiya was excused for her tardy marked absent. Jatae was forgiven for her mistake in behavior and thinking this morning. Attira wept as she walked to school because some boys have been chasing her; stupid boys who believe if you like a girl you are mean to her; idiots. Thankfully Jatae put her arm around Attira and they walked up the kill together; so sweet. Zendia has completed her upstart and is waiting for me for preschool. We have taken Brother Cope’s encouragement to say only prayers of gratitude this week and it has made all the difference. The girls are nicer more grateful and the Spirit is stronger and the girls are not so entitled and unappreciative. In family scripture time we are studying forgiveness and we talked about Grandma Bridges. Because we are not doing asking or blessing prayers and we could find nothing to be grateful for except she is miles away we had a frank this is how we feel about her discussion with Father. This woman

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believes she has a testimony worthy of the gods. Dad bridges shared that Lee shared her testimony with a member friend and he shared it over the pulpit for her. I call her Lee because Linda is my name and my mothers name. I was filled with irritation for the woman’s false declaration of her belief in things she refuses to live. She shared her fake testimony with me after the priesthood session telling me she believed it all so I asked, “what did you hear?” She stopped abruptly and could share nothing as she was not listening at all. She spent most the time trying to share her crazy make believe life of hers with us instead of listening. Let’s just add how offensive it is that she believes we are stupid and naive enough to believe her lies of how wonderful she is. She vaunteth up herself for sure. And let’s also add the offense of every time she claims to be too ill to spend time with us but can shop all day. Or the time she told Nakiya she was too ill to see her in the parade and I returned home to pee too see her up and ready to go shopping; what a lying, insensitive, selfish couple. Dad bridges told Nakiya the lie and there he sat waiting to take the deceiver to the store and she did not see anything wrong with it. Yes I have judged her as a lying, deceptive, selfish, manipulative woman. She believes that if she fakes sick she can get out of doing anything important. Where as if she had any good in her she would simply say, I don’t want to come to see you in the parade I want to go shopping for fabric. Oh and the offense is exacerbated when we talk about who we are visiting and everyone she has fooled says, “OH you must love your grandma she is so wonderful.” and we all want to barf and ask if we are truly talking about the same woman. She goes through the motions and has no heart. She can talk the talk and idiots here but she cannot walk the walk. She knows just what to say to get others to believe her who don’t live with her. Then there is dad bridges who is dumb enough to follow through with it all and we are commanded to forgive them. They are truly our enemies and we are to love them, pray for them, and do good to them. Oh and bless them. That is going to be tough. Like Nephi we are to “frankly forgive them” LInda Lee bridges is like a ravenous wolf in a bunny custom; she will talk so angelic and tell you to your face your are an idiot and most ignorant but she does it with such a soft tone if you weren’t used to it we would believe her lies like all the other ward members who don’t see her because she does not go to church and they only spend 10-20 minutes with her when she is on her best behavior when they give her the sacrament. I am to abandon feelings of anger, resentfulness, revenge, and hatred. I may need to cease calling for a time. But then again we have to do good to them. Oh man I can pray for help; we can all pray for help as she is the devil in a sweet bunny custom. On a more positive light; Jatae and I were working on her personal progress and she is to teach about service and I encouraged her better to just have us serve together as a family. Well Park Elementary did their day of service around the school and I helped Jatae invite us to all attend. It was really fun; it is every year to get to go and help clean up the school for the year. The kids got ice cream after for a thank you. I was blessed to visit with Michelle WEbb while our kids played. I just love her and always will. She is a dear friend. April 18-Thursday Yesterday Zendia and I visited with Mom and Dad at Resha’s home. They brought her a chair and so we went over there. It was a great visit. Dad got all riled up, mom worries about him, we laugh, we breath and we try not to talk but we cannot help it so we just love dad in-spite of his anger and hatred for everyone and everything. Poor grumpy old man. I left Zendia there and came home for the girls and a nap. We went back to take her kids pictures; it was a rough go and the wind was blowing; we may have to try again. We still need to do Jayda’s. We arrived home to James home; instead of a warm welcome I got cold “Don’t it’s too much” please say this with disdain, mockery and your face all squinted up for the right effect. Needless to

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say we were not friends which toppled over Nakiya who seems to feed off her dad. Oh and let’s add he keeps spending money we don’t have for a knife, food, and other assortments of stuff. Let’s add the trash filling up his vehicle of eating out and the monster drinks because it’s ok to drink “strong drinks” as long as it’s not alcohol; what an idiot; justification to the utmost to deceive and destroy. On a happier note the house got cleaned. Nakiya needs to repent and let go of her anger towards Josie. Nakiya tells me JOsie talked to her yesterday and “I’m not ready.” is what Kiya tells me. Well as your mother repent and be ready you are not justified in your resentment. Been trying to teach her this for weeks. On a brighter side we took Brother Copes challenge to only say prayers of gratitude and it’s been difficult and amazing. It was tough at first as it was different but now it’s glorious to hear what the girls are grateful for. And I remembered to teach them a proper prayer thanks God then ask so we can do it right next week. Attira tells me she loves the gratitude prayers. I did try to show them but forgot to tell them; we live and learn. Did I mention I am the new Relief Society Secretary? WEll I am so now I will learn my job. In reading the handbook I was supposed to turn it in when I was released; oh well no one wants my book that is written on all over. I also learned we will be judged not only by the desire of our hearts but also our deeds and what we have become; note to self-become something good. The gospel is truly about families. Faithfully keep temple covenants Acceptance Marriage eternal Intentional unity Long-suffering=charity Y Ideal setting Exaltation Sacrifice and service Parenting: teach them=> love, serve one another, keep commandments and be law abiding citizens. “Wise parents teach them to apply the healing, reconciling, and strengthening power of the Atonement” of Jesus Christ. Unity in the home helps us to strive for unity out of the home. The mission of the Church has forever been “Home centered and Church supported” so why are we just learning to do that? I can think of so many things I need to repent of; first off I wanted to be the favorite leader and lacked the wisdom to point the girls to the SAvior and to their families. I failed to listen to what they wanted and to allow them to lead better. I failed to make their mothers my best friends as I should have and now know is so important when serving with youth and children. I did come back and do it right in scouts. April 19-Friday I had my second interview with The County for the jail position so of course like my natural self I am afraid and don’t want the job like I am inadequate. Jesus told me to to fear and to have faith. I will have faith His promises are sure. So stop this nonsense; no more fear for me, we don’t need it. It’s not helpful, happy, or productive. The fear is from satan and usually shows up when I am about to do something great for the kingdom of God. The girls and I jumped together on the tramp, then we lined the flower beds together and picked weeks together, and then we read together to finish the night. I know that God can slow time or make our short time together seem like more. I have noticed that in the second hour of church; what used to never allot enough time now seems slow just so we can cover what we need before

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leaving. God can do that for our family. I used to notice that on Saturdays’ when I worked; after I arrived home we had plenty of time and it seemed as though I had not been gone; at least to me. God will lengthen our time together after work. In order to truly forgive Kathy I must go through all of the grievance and forgiveness process. I was thinking how I spent 3 years getting paid just over $7-minimum wage to help grow Mt. Grove. Then Kathy grows some resentment and I am the one who is let go; it’s wrong. I feel wronged. Maybe it’s not wrong to lead someone to believe they have a future and then take it away. I feel betrayed by God too; He told me to stick with Kathy and leave Ted so I did. My expectation was to have a future home forever with Kathy and now that it dashed. Kathy attacked me; she projected all her stress and anger and resentment onto me. It seems wrong. She accused me of being unrighteous when I was no. I just did not want to run her company. Sadly, just at the moment I could have been more equal she attacks me. She accused me of sinning when I had not sinned. I never told my siblings how much I was making for fear they would harass me to no end; they would have and I never would see the end of it. I still cannot tell them or I would not see the end of it. I trusted Kathy, I believed in her because Father told me to and it got me jobless. I cannot say I came out empty handed as I learned a lot in the four years I was there and I had many great blessings while I was there. It still seems wrong; I cannot change it but it still seems wrong; I feel wronged and used. And to top that frustration and wronged feeling for the first two years I carried the whole company while Kathy was getting her hours at the hospital and this is how she thanks me. We did not have different goals unless her new goal is to be selfish and take her frustrations and resentments out of me then our goals have changed and she is evil. I am reading Doctrine and Covenants 121 concerning the Priesthood. I found it interesting how strongly Joseph prayed against his enemies, “Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs.” That’s intense. God’s response is, “My son (my daughter) peace be unto thy soul……” His enemies and friends would charge him with false accusations but, “... their hope shall be blasted, and their prospects shall melt away as the hoar frost melteth before the burning rays of the rising son.” “...they love to see others suffer…” “Cursed are all those that shall lift up the heel against mine anointed, saith the LOrd, and cry they have sinned when they have not sinned before me, saith the Lord, but have done that which was meet in mine eyes, and which I commanded them.” “But those who cry transgression do it because they are the servants of sin, and are the children of disobedience themselves…Wo unto them; because they have offended my little ones they shall be severed from the ordinances of mine house.” God will take care of it. Kathy has accused me falsely when I believed God told me I was doing his will. Bishop Bird accused me when I was doing God’s will and Anna Lee accused me when I was doing God’s will. Is it just me or does this happen to others? I stir so much negativity towards me; it’s just sad. “...many are called, but few are chosen…” Chosen Called Know and understand the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness. Righteous Persuasion Long-suffering Gentleness Meekness

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Love unfeigned Kindness Pure knowledge Without hypocrisy Without guile Reproving betimes with the word of God and afterwards showing forth an increase of love Full of charity Virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly Integrity of heart Love that which is right Receive counsel Love the Lord Submit meekly to His will Focus of temple Hearts are set so much upon the things of this world Aspire to the honors of men Don’t learn the rights of priesthood cannot be controlled without righteousness Undertake to cover sins Gratify pride Vain ambition Exercise control, dominion, compulsion over others Persecute the Saints Fight against God. Exercise unrighteous dominion Confidence wax strong Doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. The HOly Ghost shall be thy constant companion Scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth Everlasting dominion without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever. Peace be unto thy soul Trials be for thy good Exalted on high Friends stand by thee Enemies subdued Delivered Know the mysteries of God God will pour down knowledge from heaven Nothing shall be withheld All understanding revealed Receive glory, honor and endowment (endow=to give a gift) Cursing Of God Wrath of God Indignation of God Judgments upon your head Wo unto such… Servants of sin Enjoy to see others suffer Bondage

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Death Hard heart Blind and deaf Doctrine and Covenants 124:49-; Father is speaking to the people after all the persecution in Missouri. God does not stop the temple construction because of sin like my father has claimed; a false claim that this section will disprove and teach me a greater lesson. I am angry with dad right now for all the lies he taught me like this one. In proving dad wrong they did not sin the construction was halted because the enemies stopped it for now; as you will read, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, that when I give a commandment to any of the sons (daughters) of men to do a work unto my name, and those sons (daughters) of men go with all their might and with all they have to perform that work, and cease not their diligence, and their enemies come upon them and hinder them from performing that work, behold, it behooveth me to require that work no more oat the hands of those sons (daughters) of men, but to accept of their offerings….Therefore, for this cause have I accepted the offerings of those whom I commanded to build up the city and a house unto my name, in Jackson county, Missouri, and were hindered by their enemies, saith the Lord your God.” It was hindered by wicked men, enemies to the cause not the saints themselves. Father accepted their efforts and then required no more. This may be the answer I have been searching for: Father called me to stay with Kathy and to serve under her. Her persecution hindered my progress and from serving the Lord. This will be answered upon her head and that is why my service is not longer required of the Lord and I can now go elsewhere. Same with our 4th ward; wicked men hindered our families progress and it was no longer safe for our family. God has thence accepted our offering and no longer requires of our attendance and service in the 4th ward and has called us to serve our brothers and sisters in the 7th ward. Same with Anna Lee I did not cease and was all diligent to make relations with her and Garrett as they are our brother and sister. Their wickedness has hindered that relationship and we are no longer called to make a relationship where there is no hope of one. We will continue to pray for them, all of the above mentioned and know that our service has been accepted of the LOrd and is no longer required of us or me. I have been searching for this and I thank Father for sending me this golden nugget of information today. Thank thee Father for answering my prayers and helping me understand. April 20-Saturday The girls and I did our family scripture studies and learned about how we as a family and as individuals can choose the “good part” or we called it the best part. We can put Christ first. So after we studied we went out and did yard work together. We burned branches, cut twigs from the stuff over the fence and turned the garden. It was glorious to work together. Then we watched part of a movie together; we ended up turning off because it was not lovely or of good report or praiseworthy. Now we are going to do our personal studies and that means I help Jatae with her personal progress. April 22-MOnday Yesterday we celebrated Easter with the family. We had dinner at mother’s; REsha, Jayda, Deklen, Sienna, and Ireland; Trina, Alan, and Clint; Britta and Arnold; Kevin, Janell, Kelton, Javen and Clarissa, and Janesha; Stetson, Debi, Treygan, Daxton, Zayden, and ARia along with Wesley-Danny’s brother. Danny is in California for the summer and James was on the night shift. The company was delicious the food wonderful and the egg hunt overkill like we usually do; it was amazingly fun. It was so good to see Kelton clean and doing well. Cori is working for Vivint in

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TExas. It was a great time. I just love being with family; it truly is a small piece of the Celestial kingdom. I am feeling concerned today that so many woman; myself sadly included, want to be out of Relief society when in the beginning women were clamoring to get in. It’s sad to me and I want to follow the prophet and be a full fledged member who wants to clamor to stay, since I am already in. Something to think about. God promised me again that my children will be fine as I go to work and that i am to love HIm and keep His commandments. I am to wait diligently and patiently for my “calling” to arrive. D&C 124:87 Therefore, my servant Maloa put your trust in me, and cease to fear concerning your family, because of the sickness of the land. (I see the sickness as the wickedness of the land) If ye love me keep my commandments; and the sickness of the land shall redound (contribute greatly to) to you glory. I had to look up redound; never heard that word before. Leaving the girls has been my greatest fear and sorrow. There is nothing better than being with them. I feel so much love for them and so enjoy their company. So I will trust in the Lord and cease to fear for them. They are mine for eternity but only if I keep my covenants and keep the commandments of the Lord. I am to do His will regarding me and then. I need a full time job. April 24-Tuesday Jatae, Zendia and I have not felt well the past couple days. The three of us sat on the couch and rested all day. I did get the air mist going hoping that would help. Zendia gets a stuffy nose and with it comes bloody noses as well. I felt tired in the morning and by the afternoon my head was pounding and I fell asleep. Jatae has a stuffy nose and both with a slight fever. By evening we were at least up and I took some medicine to help with my head. Today we are all a bit better. I took leave of the sickies and went to watch Attira run; it was her first track meet. She looked so cute and she ran well. She took third in her heat and she is still one of the shortest girls; keeping up with me being the shortest girl. Now I am home to study and then rest up a little bit more. The house is a disaster and really needs some attention. Other than that I am trying to wait diligently and patiently upon the Lord and my new job. I am enjoying every second with the girls. Today our scripture study taught us that our challenges are the work of God in our lives to bring to pass His glory which is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of me. So if we could see our trials as such; change our thinking that it’s not a punishment for sin; oh boy would that make such a difference. We talked about thinking errors and how we have the power to change them; we cannot stop them but we can change them to truth thinking. I used to believe that challenges were a punishment of sin; much like the disciples of Christ when they asked, “who sinned...that he was born blind.” the answer is no one did; it was a means to perform the work of God. I thought that merely meant Jesus wanted to perform yet another miracle; slow stupid me. No, it’s a reference to all of us that our challenges are that His work can be done in our own personal lives. What a glorious concept. One I hope I get and it sticks so that I can praise God and thank Him in the midst of my trials and not just when it is over. My other concern is that the woman in the beginning of the church could not wait to be a part of Relief Society and today we cannot wait to receive a calling so we can get out. Those women in the past got together and talked about real trials and then found ways to repent and bring them back to the fold. Like one woman was believed to be talking about Joseph making inappropriate lines at her. Emma, Joseph's wife asked for woman to talk with her and get the truth and help repentance take place. It was done and reported on. Oh how I would love this kind of frankness and love. I myself need to repent. I have been a member or Relief society for 22 years and I have had a bad attitude about it. I loved that I did not have to go. I must repent and follow our Prophet and make it a greater more important part of my life. I read Joseph said that to fully settle Zion we need to

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establish a true Relief society so it falls to us woman to all repent for I know that I am not alone in my un-appreciation of Relief society. The forerunners to Relief Society knew who they were and their responsibility to God and their families and to themselves. They remembered the words of the Prophet and remembered their importance in doing the work. “This is what we desire to instill in the Hearts of the sisters--to be useful in their sphere and not be discouraged because of difficulties in the way, but trust in God and look to Him, and HIs marvelous blessings, I will promise you, will be poured out upon you.” Lorenzo Snow Sept 1895. We need to useful in our own spheres and not be discouraged; there will be trials, we will be wounded but we can trust God that we will not fail unless we don’t even try. He will pour out blessings. Learn to dance in the rain!!!!! Daughter in My Kingdom. What do I want to retrench from? Interesting it’s not need she asked want not need to retrench from. Eliza R Snow was an incredible woman. So really what do I want to retrench from? “It is my ignorance and every thing that is not of God.” She says her “ignorance” Ignorance is lack of knowledge, or information. Dad used to tell me I was ignorant when I did not agree with Him. Not knowing the word except when he said it I looked it up, then I got some knowledge and the next time, which may have been his last; I fought back telling him I did not lack knowledge, in fact I had gained and continue to gain as much knowledge as I can I just don’t agree with him all the time. April 26-Friday We did a lot of yard work yesterday and some housework. I sat outside and read most of the day; I just wanted to suck up some sun. Zendia played with Shelby our neighbor all day. Her parents were laying concrete so Zendia played with their two girls Shelby and Payton. I went and played games with the Relief Society sisters and another ward; it was a joyous occasion. I really enjoyed it. President Nelson has asked me to participate more fully in Relief Society; I have chosen to obey, I have also chosen to read the minutes from the first Relief Society meetings. Joseph taught the first members and teaches me to “...provoke the brethren to good works in looking to the wants of the poor--searching after objects of charity, and in administering to their wants--to assist; by correcting the morals and strengthening the virtues of the female community, and save the Elders the trouble of rebuking; that they may give their time to other duties & in their public teaching.” Joseph read the revelation given to Emma months earlier; found in Doctrine and Covenants 25 and told the woman this was fulfilled with Emma being “elect” and set apart as the first Presiding President. Joseph said this applied to all women of the Relief Society to exhort our sisters to good works, expound scriptures and to teach the doctrine; this is now my role and calling as a woman in the Relief Society organization. Joseph counseled me to “...not injure the character of any one--if members of the Society shall conduct improperly,, deal with them, and keep all our doings within your own bosoms, and hold all characters sacred--” I have been trying to do this with Kathy; what she did is so wrong and yet I struggle sharing because it makes her look really stupid and crazy. Yet I have been able to do it, it’s weird but I can do it. It has helped me practice my “I” statements and to own what I felt and did. I could improve on letting them know what I did. President Emma taught the woman and me: “..we are going to do something extraordinary--...we expect extraordinary occasions and pressing calls.” I learned through Sheri Dew that charity is not something I will do it is a change of heart a characteristic trait God affords to those of us who pray for it and work for it. Joseph then teaches me, “...seek out and relieve the distressed---...be ambitious to do good--..deal frankly with each other--...watch over the morals--and be very careful of the character and reputation of the members…for charitable purposes.”

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Elder John Taylor shared his counsel that I must be “...the most distinguished characters...to bring into exercise every virtue and give scope to the benevolent feelings of the female heart.” it is in our very nature's to be virtuous and benevolent, to serve and to reach out to those in distress. It’s our DNA. He also blessed us, “...that the blessings of God and the preach of heaven may rest on this Institution henceforth…” At a later meeting Emma taught me, “...to promote union… would divest themselves of every jealousy and evil feeling...bring (my) conduct into respectability.” I am to feed the hungry, clothe the naked and be so very generous, “...every benevolent cause.” I think it’s funny to me because Elder Taylor wanted to call it the Benevolent something or other but they discussed that option out and yet they use the word to describe our behavior much; it’s funny to me. Also I am to adopt plans to bring others to repentance. I like that. Really it’s what I do in counseling; we set plans or “adopt” plans to help them repent essentially and to be better people. All notes are taken from the RElief Society notes from the first 50 years of RElief Society. Sheri Dew wrote a booklet called Oh How We Need EAch Other. In it she points out that Joseph “...Championed women and womanhood. But he also cautioned women about their innate weaknesses and unrighteous tendencies, including behaviors that threaten charity. In fact, in every single sermon to the sisters of Nauvoo, he warned them about their tendency to gossip, backbite, and judge one another, and he took square aim at self-righteousness.” Ouch, but I agree that our weaknesses are the exact opposite of our strengths. If we can love we can backbite. If we hole the characters sacred we can gossip or I guess we could reverse it. If we gossip much then we would probably hold the characters more sacred when we come unto Christ. It is good to be honest about our strengths as well as our weaknesses. April 27-Saturday Zendia and I were blessed to visit with mother yesterday; we went shopping after she showed me all her beautiful flowers. She always has beautiful flowers. I made dinner in my instant pot last night and did all the dishes and cleaned up all the counter; the kitchen looks amazing. I sat down to read Edenbrook and had to finish it; it was so good I will probably read it again tonight and skip to all the good parts. I realized after reading that I push James because I know he has not given me his whole heart. He has been hurt and holds onto that pain that he has never let me in fully. He woke when I came to bed and I told him that. His heart agrees with me; he is tender, chaste and ever so vulnerable. He took a chance or maybe he was just so tired he let me have his heart last night for a minute or two; it does have pain and has his entire life. I pray he will trust God and Jesus Christ Atonement to have it; he does not have to hurt anymore. President Emma has taught me today that we need to “...look into the morals of each other and watch over each other.” I like she “...intend to walk circumspectly and to shun the appearance of evil--all are required to be very careful in their words and actions at all time--...” interesting a woman’s talk in general conference was on being careful. I listened to it last night and will do it again in light of Pres Emma’s words. Be careful: making sure to avoid potential danger, done with thought and attention… I have to shower now going to the Manti temple with Nakiya and Jatae. April 28-Sunday We had a delightful time at the temple. I did initiatories while the girls went with the youth to perform the baptisms. I was helped by a Margaret Oldroyd which is most likely a distant family member. She was so sweet and struggling to remember her lines but she was there anyway; she was pretty old too and feeling a little discouraged that she was not remembering as well. Myself and the other sisters’ there were more than happy to encourage her. I just felt impressed that at her age and with the obvious struggle she was still in the temple serving. I felt Grandma Oldroyd express her

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love and compassion for James know her daughter has caused him so much pain. Grandpa Oldroyd seemed to be there as well but he was more like “Pull your head out and get over it already” kind of attitude. I felt impressed that Grandma Elizabeth Oldroyd was not angry with us for the discontent we feel with grandma Lee Bridges choices and how she treats us and James. It was nice to feel her love in-spite of how we feel for her daughter. We walked up the cool staircase in the back and around to the front. We had a great time visiting in the car as we drove. We arrived home about 4:00 to drop off the two girls in our car, Celeste and Harley and then we went to Resha’s to pick up Attira and Zendia. Zendia was her usual mean self when I come to get her from Resha’s; she hid and would not hug me. All she wanted was to stay longer. Attira was no where to be found but neither was Resha. Jayda and all her friends were at the table. Attira finally heard me and came running down the stairs to find me; that was sweet. Resha was in her room getting money out of her piggy bank to get some groceries and I asked her, “what not enough blood money?” She gives plasma for spending cash. She said she had forgotten about that and stopped searching for money knowing she had her “blood money”; we think it’s funny to say “blood money.” Today I went to my first welfare meeting; it was amazing to see the team work and how they showed love and firmness in problem solving. It was a great treat to be there; I was humbled and impressed with it all. The Lord does work through us and more heads helping is better than one. In church I made a list of things we can do on the Sabbath. And I did my secretary duties in Relief Society for the first time. I was nervous but I was impressed upon who was visiting, and as I sat looking at the sisters I grew in love for them. I know that love will continue to grow. I was set apart after church and the burden and fear that I had felt for the week was gone. I was promised and blessed that our girls will be blessed with my service, I will have the time to serve and fulfill my calling. I was told the Lord is proud of my gifts and talents and how I use them. I was also blessed to benefit the sisters with my fun loving personality and there will be sisters I can reach out to that maybe others cannot. It was beautiful. Oh and I was reminded at how much God loves me and blessed to fully understand how much he loves me; that is always beautiful to me. I remember some of the first times I heard that; it sounded foreign and I could not fathom how God loved me. I get it better now and feel sad if it’s not said. I need to trust in his love for me. I discovered there are two talks I missed reading when I thought I had read the whole general conference issue. I will have to repent and read the two articles. The girls and I walked to AJ’s and Samantha Skaggs home to visit. Attira said she felt impressed to go there and I did to I was feeling reserved thought and cold. I am glad we went anyway. We had a delightful visit and Samantha then drove us home in her new car. She and I talked some more and I was able to share what went down and why we left. She seems a little angry that we have not come back so I tried to help her understand the safety issue and that I would not be her leader anyway as bishop will do all he can to keep me from serving. For now we love our new ward. I miss her and will always love her and I pray she will keep in contact with me; if not I will pray she is happy and that she stays her obedient course and does what God ask her to do. President Emma taught that we must all have grace for ourselves. Grace: courteous or goodwill. Be nice to yourself; talk nice to yourself and believe nice things about you. Bishop Whitney teaches us that we are to improve upon our talents and prepare ourselves for the temple covenants. We are to be united in these endeavors. Men and women are equal in importance to receiving all the blessings of the priesthood. Maybe if all woman and men read this women would know how important they are. We can all partake of the temple covenants and receive the blessings God has for us. “...it takes all to restore the Priesthood.” 76

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April 30-Tuesday Bishop Whitney 74-77 went on to teach me that I am to improve upon my talents and to prepare for making sacred covenants in the temple. I went to an interview yesterday and was humbled to repent; I had not kept my license safe at all cost. I had been careless on so many occasions and I am still paying the price for it. Working alone on Saturday’s was crazy dangerous but I never felt in danger except the one time. I always felt protected. I believe that was God protecting me and I believe the men in group went into protective mode for me as a sister; it is their internal instinct. I would like to ask around to find out a better way to have handled Kathy arguing like a bore with the client in group. I am still frothy about her. I am beginning to pray she repents and can treat that particular client with love and respect. Bishop Whitney taught with strong declarations that both men and women are needed in the kingdom and in the Priesthood; “...it takes all to restore the Priesthood.” “God has many precious things to bestow, even to our astonishment if we are faithful…” I had to repent again last night as my faith wavered. I lost my faith and doubted I could ever get a job. I was really feeling humbled knowing I am prideful and could be ever so much more humble and I just am not. I wonder if I really can. So I prayed for God to help my unbelief. I doubted I would get a job will all the mess ups I make and have made. I don’t like being corrected I feel like somehow my value diminishes and that is stupid; I need correction. Ok, I just thought that really I love to be corrected by someone I admire; I hate to be corrected by someone I don’t admire. I don’t admire Kathy in so many ways and so taking her correction was torturous. At the same time there were things I did admire about her, few, but some and I learned from those. It is good I don’t work with her; I really did not admire her and complained too much. So I must learn to love and admire my soon to be supervisor. To be saved, to work miracles, and to do God’s will we have to be united. I must humble myself, and live by the rule, I must lose sight of vain things and remember that the “...eye of God is upon…” me. I may “err in judgment many times yet” I am “...justified in the sight of God if” I “do my best” I “can according to” my judgment. I must strive with all the energy of my heart to do what is right and just and true and good. I must continue to get intelligence and I need to learn from others around me who want to help me. I must have a testimony of all things for myself. I must hold fast to that which is good. “There are blessings lying before which are worth striving to obtain.” Again I must humble myself, I must proceed to receive grace for grace, light and intelligence--If I have intelligence I have power--knowledge is power: if I understand all things, I shall not be barren or unfruitful in the knowledge of God. I must put away all that is evil from my heart and be clean before God. And I must “...far as possible throw the vail of charity over failings--” And again humility; that is like the third time. I really need humility. I like that imagery; throwing a veil of charity over failings; the failings of myself and others. I have so much repenting to do. My mission is to bring back souls to God; to help them repent. We bring souls by being united in Christ; “We may have different views of things, still there is some criterion which all may come to, and by bringing our minds and wills into subjection to the law of the Lord, may come to unity.” I need to set a “double watch on my tongue” and not offend one of the little ones. I wish nobody harm; I really don’t I dont’ want to hurt anyone and I feel sad that I do sometimes by just being myself. I cannot even go to my home ward because I offended so many and brought my license and my family into danger. I must repent, I need to weed out the evil, the doubting, the anger, the resentment that is in me. Oh how I need to repent. “...there are great blessings before, that would astonish you if you could behold them.” Then Bishop Whitney concludes, “...I wish to encourage you to persevere in the ways of righteousness. I tell you there are blessings before to be confer’d as soon as our hearts are prepar’d to receive them.” He is

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encouraging me to persevere: continue in the course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no hope for success. Only I have hope in Christ that I will become like him, I will live with him again. I may not succeed on earth but I will succeed in the eyes of God; at least I hope I do. May 1-Wednesday Happy birthday this month to me!!! I attended the most incredible conference yesterday. I learned a lot and I was validated in so many areas of what I had done with the DV groups before the crazy lady fired me. I saw and talked with Brother Chidester from our ward; Esther the Relief society president is his wife; that was enjoyable. And I saw Ellen Hadfield; she and her spouse were young single reps when I arrived home from my mission and we went on so many wonderful adventures before I got married. I saw her and approached her in a break; she did not recognize me and first and just when I was going to tell her who I was recognition sparked and she got so excited and gave me the most delicious hug. Oh what joy filled my heart to visit with her in between breaks. She and her family are well an at 45 she had her fifth son. She has survived an aneurysm in her brain and went to school to be a physical therapist. I just love her and all the love and fond memories we made about 15-16 years ago returned and were a welcome for sure. As you can see it was a great day. I worked with the girls to clean our home and stayed up til almost 2:00 reading; ok that was nuts but I finished and prayed for and am receiving the enabling power to help me get through the day. I know I was not bright to stay up but I enjoyed it and I got to stay up late with James. Sort of a win win and God is helping me even if it was not the smartest thing to do. President Joseph Smith encourages me to be virtuous and to have a particular regard for the character of my sisters. Interesting to me is that he encourages us often, as do others to have compassion and be respectful of the character of others. Character: the mental and moral qualities of a person. I am to pursue the ways of purity and righteousness. Pursue denotes work and diligence. Pursue: seek to obtain. Again I am amazed that the early women of RElief Society had to petition their way into the Relief Society. They had to be of good character and then they had to get signatures of 2-3 others who could vouch for their character. Today you just 18 and we don't’ appreciate like we must in order for the blessings of heaven to come down upon us. I must preach mercy and be merciful and overlook small things. “By union of feeling we obtain pow’r with God.” Union of feeling; that is not easy; simple but not easy. “Christ said he came to call sinners to repentance and save them. Christ was condemn’d by the righteous jews because he took sinners into his society--he took them upon the principle that they repented of their sins.” I am to come to Christ and repent; he will reform me and make me better. Then I am to reach out to others and invite them to Come unto Christ and repent or their sins so He can reform them. “...we are bound to take them and by kindness sanctify and cleanse from all unrighteousness by our influence…” “Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what pow’r it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind.” p78. “...tis the doctrine of the devil to retard the human mind and retard our progress, by filling us with self-righteousness--The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more are we disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls--to take them upon our shoulders and cast their sins behind our back…--- if you would have God to have mercy on you, have mercy on one another.” May 2-Thursday

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I was so blessed to go with Esther Chidester and Amelia ? to visit some sister’s in our ward. I felt so energized and I look forward to doing it again. It was wonderful. I am so impressed with Esther; she shares information about others with a neutral unbiased judgement. I can tell that she knows and still loves without judging. I have seen plenty who know and judge and you can tell there is a sense of disapproval. I am loving my calling and all I am learning about the possibilities of the sisters in gathering Zion!!! To continues what the Prophet Joseph is teaching me… If I am righteous and I ask God in prayer every day I shall receive. “How glorious are the principles of righteousness!!” I must do good and walk uprightly all day long, ALL DAY LONG!!! “We are full o f selfishness…” our natural woman is selfish and we are truly full of it. “...the devil flatters us that we are very righteous!” ouch that stings. The devil flatters me to think I am righteous. I must ponder on this thought some more to fully comprehend. Is it bad to think we are righteous? Oh wait it continues “--while we are feeding on the faults of others.” So there we have it folks the devil flatters us to think we are righteous when we are comparing ourselves and dwelling on the faults of others. I wonder what would happen if I mentioned this to dad? He might freak and die of a heart attack. He feeds a lot on the faults of others and brags that he is a genius. Poor dad. “We can only live by worshipping our God…” and we must do it for ourselves and no other reason. I cannot worship for others and vice versa. And now when I am converted I am to reach out and strengthen my sisters and my brothers. If I love the Lord, and I like to believe I do; I must feed His sheep. The sheep are the adults of the flock. As I feed His sheep they will protect His lambs. The prophet Joseph has encouraged me to wait for God to bring souls to justice. I am to love and work in unity; wait with “...long suffering till God shall bring such character to justice… but mercy should (must) go hand in hand with reproof.” “Sisters of this Society, shall there be strife among you? I will not have it--you must repent and get the love of God. Away with self-righteousness. The best measure or principle to bring the poor to repentance is to administer to their wants--...relieve the poor..save souls.” I had this belief we were to minister to needs. And yet over and over the Prophet Joseph is commanding us to minister to their wants. This is a strange thought to me. It seems simple to understand but I am blown away by it. P84 Counselor Cleveland declares that now is the time for me to live by faith alone, it is time to fear nothing. “...the pow’rs of darkness were array’d against us…” I believe those powers are still arrayed against us, against me, against God’s work. I must live by faith and not fear. I am a sinner still; sometimes I fear. God has never let me down and yet I still fear; what is my problem? Why do I fear? Why do I succumb to the devil’s power? Why? That is my question for the week or two. I must have a long life of doing good. Again it is said, “...extremely careful in handling the character…” Be merciful, I will learn to be merciful, I will learn to take extreme care of the character of others. I will never speak ill of the prophet or other general authorities. And I will take great care to care for the character of all other local leaders. If I am faithful the gift of the gospel, or the gifts of the Spirit will be with me, “...especially the gift of healing.” We all need healing. I have that gift and pray I can use it wisely with the Lord’s permission and encouragement. Still, Why do I fear and doubt? May 3-Friday I hope you are beginning to realize I write the previous day on today. I found that when i wrote at night I could not remember the day. When I write in the morning I can remember. So yesterday Zendia and I did our scripture study and then we went to mom and dad’s place. We had lunch, planted mom’s flowers and typed up more of her life story. It was a great day. We arrived home just before the girls got home. With them we cleaned. I visited with James as he got ready for work. He

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is amazing; he has picked up so much overtime to compensate for my loss of job. He is tired and is looking forward to me working. Attira took her strengths test and then I did. Attira was thrilled to learn she is curious. Deklen came over so we could take him to his soccer game. He wanted to take it so I let him. We stopped by the library to get some books before going to his game and the kids played on the playground. HIs game was fun, I read the entire time. On the way home we stopped by a home that has a mini zoo. It had baby goats, and baby lambs, and a baby donkey. It also had a kangaroo; yes, a kangaroo; that was strange and cool at the same time. Back home the girls got ready for bed and I read; I actually closed the book at 10:30; it was killer but I did it. I guess I feel this rush to read as much as I can before going to work. President Emma declares, “...we shall have sufficient difficulty from abroad without stirring up strife among ourselves and hardness and evil feelings one towards another..” and because of this we are to be united. Page 93; Prophet Joseph Smith taught the sisters, and me, in the 16th meeting concerning the tactics of the devil and his angels. Pres joseph taught that first no matter what the devil does we will triumph over him if we are faithful and hold to the Lord. “...all those that rise up against me will feel the weight of their iniquity upon their own heads--those that speak evil are abominable characters--and full of iniquity--All the fuss and all the stir against me, like a jack in the lantern it cannot be found…” We are to guard against, “...those things that are calculated to do the most evil--evil feelings…(spoken of)...has a tendency to do mischief--those things result in those evils which are calculated to cut the throats of the heads of the church.” evil feeling must be brought to the lord and never allowed out of the mouth to the world to spread. I feel this is what happened to us in the 4th ward. I can look back seeing multiple occasions where my name was spoken ill of and false accusations were made toward us. I am no different than any other person doing good. When we do good the devil will do all he can to stop us even if using members of the kingdom to disgrace us and attempt to damage our character. It was our ward member that hurt us not non-members. Know it will be members who hurt you. Joseph spoke truth when he said, and it applies to us all, “ When I do my best I can--when I am accomplishing the greatest good, then the most evils are got up against me.” He then goes on to encourage us to “..be wise...hold your tongues, and the least harm will be done.” An interesting side note: Joseph thanked the sisters for their petitions to the government in his behalf declaring “more serious consequences would have resulted.” I thought about several times in the book of Mormon when enemies were subdued because of the plea of the woman. Joseph too was delivered with less harm because of the pleas of the women. Joseph then encourages us to ascend our voices up to God daily for the benefit of himself. We are to pray daily for our prophet and our leaders. That is a place I need to improve on. “...The enemy will never get weary...he will array everthing against ...a tremendous warfare… the angels of the devils and all the infernal powers of darkness continually arrayed against (us) ...When wicked and corrupt men oppose… all men speak evil…If a man stands and popposes the world of sin, he may expect all things arrayed against him. But it will be but a little season…” The blessings of the endowment will “rolling on.” I find it a merciful gift from God as I woke before my alarm and was thinking about the need for all people to know the tactics of the evil one so that we can withstand him. I was blinded or rather distracted from understanding my potential as a woman. I was blinded from seeing my role in the Relief Society and for years just went along. Now as I read these first 50 years I am coming to know with a fiery testimony who I am, the potential I have and the blessing that Relief Society is in my life. I imagine that being denied the privilege of entrance in the beginning must have been so painful, so

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sad. Today we have no voting in, we are all members when we turn 18 or graduate. The teaching of Joseph are incredible and still needed; I know I need them. In Relief Society our goal must be to pray always but for what? EAch Sunday there must be a what to pray for????? May 6-MOnday Saturday we went to the Sand Dunes: Little Sahara, with Stetson, Dad, Ammon Fox, and WEsley. We were the only ladies in the group but we still had a great time. I had asked mother to borrow her awning and it was so nice to have shade. The girls played in the sand and Dad, Jatae, and I read. We would visit when the men returned and then read when they left. Wes was kind enough to give Jatae a ride and James took the other. Wes took Jatae all the way up sand mountain; she was scared but enjoyed it. James started up sand mountain with Zendia dn just before getting to the top he came back down with her. Stetson gave dad a ride and took him ups sand mountain. Dad said he is “never” scared but his arms were tired. The funny part was trying to find a helmet that fit dad’s extra large head so Stetson wore his old large and gave dad the extra large. It was joyous day with much delight; there is absolutely nothing better than family. Sunday we enjoyed the sabbath day attending our meetings together. James allowed the devil to own his heart so he stayed home while the girls and I went; it’s kind of a recurring cycle for him. This bad behavior made for a therapy session this morning and James admitting he does not know how to love. In his head we all abuse him like he does himself. He has a lot of thinking errors and he cannot seem to see any other perspective but his negative one. WE practiced finding other perspectives and then went over charity; one definition at a time. He was feeling pretty worn out when we were done; we gained some honesty and ended with hope and how he can find hope through Jesus Christ. I attended my first meeting as the Relief Society secretary; that was amazing. OUr sisters are hurting and I would not have known without this meeting. It was a long meeting but well worth it. We had family scripture time together. On a side note the girls did say they found James home reading his scriptures when they came home. After family studies Jatae worked on her personal progress, I talked with mother, Nakiya did some indexing with James help and Attira and Zendia played. After James, Nakiya, Jatae and I played phase 10 teaching James we are a family and not out for blood to win; that was hard for him but he did it. The two youngest got on face-time with Karen and we took turns talking with her through the night; until bedtime. Again there is nothing more joyous than family. I did share my testimony of repentance and how God can change us. I have come to know through the Holy Spirit the importance of Relief Society and remembering our foundational principles. It was a beautiful day. Nakiya was not sleeping well so she slept on our floor. Zendia was not sleeping well so she slept in our bed; we did not get a good night sleep and she is a bit feverish this morning. Now I study This morning we learned about missionary work and finding those that are lost. We talked about how you cannot just tell someone they are lost but it begins with prayer and then love and friendship. It is possible that Jatae’s future does not know he is lost; he is a non-member and it’s up to us to pray that his heart burns with a desire to know truth and to seek out Christ. We pray he has friends who are members who will share God’s good news with him and he will come to believe in Christ and come to follow him. We also talked about how Britta, Damon and Audra do not know they are lost and believe they don’t want to be found so we will pray their hearts will soften and they will begin to see the truth and return to the fold of God to be healed by his Son’s great loving atoning sacrifice. The Prophet Joseph warned the sisters of Relief Society to beware of false teachers and false prophets. There was men using authority falsely given, or better said claiming authority which was

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not given to lead women astray; I wonder if this was about the time when some men were using polygamy to have intercourse with many women. Anyway, this is a timely warning that most definitely applies today. The prophet encourages us to stick with what we know to be true, or the foundational truths and not not fall victim. “If the Lord be God, serve Him.” I am to work diligently for the cause of Zion, to build or in my case attend the temple and do temple work; this would involve family history and taking family names to the temple. I am also to be diligent in relieving the wants of the poor; I don’t know why but the “wants” part amazes me. Not needs but wants. Anyway, I am also to teach our daughter to be sober and to prepare them to enter the temple and to understand the importance of staying focused on the temple. Am I doing my job? I am trying to the bes of my current knowledge and ability. In fact Nakiya came in and asked if we were going Thursday and I said it’s on the calendar. May 7-Tuesday Zendia had a fever yesterday so she rested and watched television and I sorted laundry. When the girls arrived home I was informed that Nakiya needed blue jeans for her concert and Jatae wanted some snacks for her track meet today. I prepared dinner but did not have time to cook it so dinner is ready for today. Nakiya’s concert was fabulous; she looked like she lost her puppy with her sad face the whole time she sang and that was fun to laugh at. We sat next to the Dase family Alexis and Brandon; they are dear people and we love them. Jatae and Attira stayed with Zendia. We brought home Jamocha shakes from Arby’s for family fun night dessert. James talked with his dad learning mother Bridges is getting meaner; she believes there are people in the home and yells at dad for it and also yells at him for a perceived belief he is trying to control her. Hospice comes in to help since she is doing so poorly which has brought some relief to dad; he is beginning to look healthier. I was able to provide service for Jayda by taking her home from school; she missed her bus. I was then able to pass where the Promise South facility is since I have an interview today. Should be fun. James gave me a blessing yesterday where FAther told me my future is clear and I can see it. I can do much good for these women and there are some only I can help. Our girls will be watched over and Jesus will be with me through all my trials. I can pray to him when I feel trials or concerns and he will be with me. Father is pleased with me for gathering our family for scripture study each day. I am sure there is more but it slips my mind at the moment. He also gave Nakiya a blessing and Jatae. Nakiya shared she felt like God was right there giving her her own personal lesson; he was. Nakiya has a special bond with her father and God planned it that way; she needs him. I have gone to school half my life so that I can help her. She is to not worry about her grades as she will do just fine. After the blessing she was able to be honest with us concerning her fears; a friend wants her to talk with Isaac and she does not want to. There is plenty of time no need to rush it. She was encouraged to follow the Holy Ghost. Jatae was told she will supersede her mother and even I have much to learn. Jatae has a special work to do and will do much good for God’s kingdom. Father is pleased with the changes she has made in that she is kinder to her family. She was encouraged to not withhold the love she has for her family but to show it freely. I thank Father for James gifts of the Spirit to give such beautiful blessings. He and I did counseling yesterday as well. James grasped some honesty and our lesson today touched on charity; just for him I am sure and we all need it. WE read about sharing the gospel and how we need faith, hope and charity so we went over charity. We sand Called to Serve and We are all Enlisted as we found the scriptures we needed. We have homework to note what charity strengths we have and where we need to improve. I am listening to President Nelson’s talk.

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May 8-Wednesday Well I did listen to President Nelson’s talk on the way to my interview. I felt good about what I said and the team seems very nice. I choked up talking about Kathy and our last disagreement; that was unexpected. I did try and keep her character sacred and not say anything unkind or demeaning to her. Now I wait. They said I should know within the next day or two. James and Zendia met me at the high school for Jatae’s last track meet in grade school. She ran really well in her 100. And her 200 she ended well and may have won had she not jogged the first 100; that was so ignorant counsel from her sweet teacher. I thanked Ms. Boyer for her mediation with Jatae and her friends the previous day and both rejoiced that Jatae was able to show her emotions instead of imploding like she usually does. The rest of the afternoon I napped while Zendia watched television; I don’t know why I am so tired. When the girls arrived home we cleaned and cooked dinner. I had so much we were able to share with two other families who graciously accepted. Nakiya and Jatae attended Young womens and returned with gifts they had made for me. Attira gave me lots of confetti, three cards, or was it two? And a receipt book for services. I cashed in the “read to Zendia” except Attira wanted to do the reading and So did Zendia; she memorizes and then reads, sort of. Anyway I am truly blessed. This morning I woke with crazy dreams of homes again that need to be cleaned and repaired. I knelt and shared with Father my grieving heart as I am no longer a stay at home mother; I will soon be a working mother. It is something to grieve over; an end of 13.5 years; granted I have gone to school and always worked a bit during that time. Never have I ever been just a stay at home mother. For family scripture study we read the parable of the unjust steward and I am not sure what it means to teach us. I get stuck when it says we need to make friends with mammon of unrighteousness . I think it’s getting to being self-reliance where we govern our money instead of the money governing us because mammon means: wealth regarded as an evil influence of false object of worship or devotion. Why would we make friends with that? Or is it making friends with the truth of it so we don’t sin in worshiping money or become devoted to it? I was thinking about how the Prophet Joseph teaches always to administer to “wants” not needs; I wonder if the want is really the spiritual want to become like our father. We want it spiritually even if we don't’ know it consciously. Something to think about…. Interesting to me is that the beginning RElief Societies began with short instructions to gospel principles and then went about delegating assignments to act and accepting volunteers to act. I wish we still did this. May 9-Thursday Happy Birthday to me!!! I am officially the happy 40. Half my life is done and I believe I have done pretty well. I look forward to the next 40; if I make it hat long. Wednesday was a fun day; we did our family studies, Zendia and I did our service with Attira’s class, we had lunch, we turned in Zendia’s stuff for kindergarten, we had a nap, we took a walk, we stopped by Zendia’s friend Scarlett's home to set up a playdate and I got to go on visits with the Relief Society presidency; I really enjoy going on visits. I get to meet new people and learn more about our surrounding neighbors. The handbook has an amazing and simple teaching of ministering that we could share with the woman of our ward. Ministering is caring about others, reaching out and succoring the needy and the lonely. Ministering works when we *remember their names *love them without judging them *watching over them and strengthening their faith “one by one”, as the Savior did *making friends with them and visiting them in their home and elsewhere. I am a representative of the Lord Jesus Christ; my missionary name badge is back on my heart to represent him towards the woman of our ward family. My example is my greatest tool to reach out.

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We must be unified; I have read about unity over and over and over in the Relief Society history. If we are not one we are not His. Esther was saying the Bishop wants us to involve more sisters and the handbook agrees; we must delegate. I like the layout, wish the Young Women president would have followed this: delegate as follows: *explaining the job make sure they understand *keep a record written *respect and trust the other person to complete the task * have them report and thank them for their efforts. “Leaders need to be firm and unyielding in their warnings against sinful behavior but merciful and kind to those who sin. ...treat others as the Savior would treat them.” I must be reverent and encourage others to be reverent. Being reverent means I am calm and peaceful in my worshipping and I respect God. Feeling and showing deep and solemn respect. May 10-Friday Well my birthday was both great, wonderful, and dreadfully sorrowful. Jatae began the day showing forth her wrath, she came home showing forth her wrath and spent some time in her room and later she showed Attira her wrath. James ended the day by masturbating onto our carpet in our room and so I slept on the couch; Nakiya was worried so she slept on the floor. James mental illness is coming back more and more and I am not going any further. Then he tells me it’s not his and he doesn’t know what’s on the floor but I recognize that smell; stupid sick man. He tried to kiss me this morning and I was like don’t touch me. He is a leper of soul for sure. The Lord could heal him but he won’t allow it and as long as porn is an option I am not; I refuse to be his tool. Other than that it was a glorious day. Nakiya and I went with Tessa Cook to the temple; that was my only birthday wish; I wanted Jatae too but she had the devil in her heart and stayed home. Tessa needed help with a stack of her own family names so we helped her. I was going to complete some initiatories but Tessa asked for service and I said yes. It was beautiful to be in the temple with Nakiya and TEssa. As a family we went to dinner at the TAdka as well so I was thrilled; I ate too much but it was all so good. We had Tikka Masala, Coconut Kurma, and a Butter sauce that was all wonderful. The roofers came and ripped off most of the roof. Oh what a mess and ever so loud but I am so grateful. They said we had four layers; two wood which they say they had never seen and 2 of shingles. They are here today to finish the job. Zendia is enjoying watching through the window. OH and Zendia and I walked to the library where I got more books and so we played at the park and then walked home. We jumped on the tramp and we read together. I almost forgot but God provided a way to attend the temple as I could not leave Attira and Zendia home with strange me. God in his mercy sent some gray clouds so the men went home in time for me to shower and Danielle offered to watch the girls so we could still go. Danielle took the girls anyway and I was able to shower and be ready for when the girls arrived home. It was a two fold blessing as I felt and still feel uncomfortable showering with kind but strange men on our roof. I did introduce myself to them all and shook their hands and thanked them for their work on our roof. I am truly so very grateful. May 13-Monday Happy Mothers Day yesterday. It was a fun week full of ministering. Friday we ministered to Kin across the street; she is pregnant with twins and we went to check on her and visited for about 30 minutes. Zendia ministered to her son Charlie and daughter Chloe by playing with them. Let’s see; Zendia, sadie, and I went for a walk/ride; I walked she rode; we walked passed Nicole’s and she hollered at me so we stopped and ministered with each other as we talked. She is struggling with the leaders in scouts and cannot always be there and I empathized. They won’t release her because there is not other members that will take the calling. Most mothers are done and therefore don't really push their boys and one leader is upset they are slowing. It will work out I hope. We will pray she has courage and patience. Zendia played with the Weekes children and I read.

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Later Friday evening James and I ministered to Kin’s husband Jason as he shared the pains of having a grumpy demanding neighbor. The neighbor demanded Jason cut his tree because it let down fruit in his yard. The neighbor called the cops for a car in the road and later knocked on their door to yell at them for parking a car in front of his house; they had friends and family over to help put in a sprinkler system. So sad. Saturday we served our community by planting two planters on main. The flowers were there and we planted. It’s a yearly thing and sadly this year was a low turn out so we did two planters. In two hours. We then purchased balloons and treats for Loni Anesi, her twin brothers FAvi, and Nana and their mother Lei because they lost their “father” figure who was Lei’s brother. Their bio dad is gone with another woman and Lei is a single mother; her brother was helping support them and was the only “father” the twins knew. WE hoped to bring a little happiness; so we stopped by and visited for over an hour. Then we went food shopping: Attira and I it was her turn. Jatae and Zendia were to clean and fought instead and watched Studio C. Then I took Attira and we went to Jayda’s soccer game. Attira played with the twins and I visited with Resha. I made it back home to bring pizza for dinner and eat with James before he went to work. Nakiya was sick with a fever this day. I completed the day reading; I had earned it in my book. Sunday was a delicious day to celebrate mothers’. I made the girls serve me while I sat to rest; they did dishes. The meetings were excellent. In relief society we had cheesecake and I went around with the roll to get to know more sisters. I just love talking with people and getting to know them; it energizes me. After church James and I had a good cry together for the sorrow of not having a good mother. James question for the next couple of weeks is why God would send him to such a terrible mother. James prayed and told Father how he hated him right now and was very angry. James was able to then shared how Father told him through the Holy Ghost that it was not His intention that Linda Bridges fail like she did. Which taught me a great lesson that God does not intend anyone to fail. He doesn’t send children to failed homes. He gives us opportunities to repent and hopes we all succeed. James cried, I cried and told him I was sorry for his pain. When we had our composer and felt the relief of prayer, crying, and the atonement of Jesus Christ we went to mothers to eat and celebrate us together. We were blessed to visit with Trina, Clint, Alan, Kevin, Janell, Javen and his wife Clarissa, Janesha, Mike, Gabe, and even Roxanne came this time. She seemed rather angry but she did talk a lot with Dad; that was new. Poor Gabe is so stressed his face has been picked at. He was trembling when he hugged me and held on so I held back and talked more with Mike while he calmed. Mother shares there is a lot of arguing and stress in the home. Kevin’s Cori almost overdosed and was in a hospital in Texas she was fired from Vivint and is to come home. We shall pray for them all. I asked Kevin what specifics and he said to pray Cori can think straight and get away from drugs. James made me leave before Stetson got there: I was not happy and did not want to but he loaded the car. Selfish of him really he just wanted his game. Well God works in wonderful simple ways and Nakiya forgot her phone they thought it was mine so we had to return. Come to discover Clint had hid mine and I would have gotten all the way home without it and had to return. With great mercy Kiya’s was in the bathroom. Anyway, we were blessed to return and I reminded James it was mothers day and asked what was so pressing to get home to? He had not response so I said we are doing what I want and we are staying. I am grateful Kiya’s phone was in the bathroom. I am grateful we returned and discovered mine in the couch. I thank Father for this and thank Him that we were able to visit with STetson, Debi, Treygan, DAxton, Zayden, and Aria. We also planned our camping trip for the end of the month. Oh how I love family. When we arrived home we did family studies. Again, James was rushing and trying to talk at the girls instead of teaching. He was acting strange and kind of naughty but I held my boundary and we had a wonderful discussion on putting God first in our lives. The girls were brilliant and likened the

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scripture to Scrooge and how he was selfish laying up in store his fruit for himself and if he had passed he would have been alone and forgotten. As it turned out he repented and shared. Laying up treasures in heaven with love by ministering and serving others. James then shaved his mustache and I love his beard without a mustache and will now add praying they change the policy to my list. I cannot kiss him with the beard as it hurts and then my emotions turn to anger and I can’t I just cannot do it. It’s awful a true lose lose. But with a beard and no mustache it’s a win win for our relationship. They need to change the policy just for us. Today we studied about marriage, about being one in flesh, in ideas, in purpose. How we leave our father and mother and cleave. WE defined cleave. We discussed what the world teaches and how know satan’s tactics prepares us to fight against him. WE talked about how the body makes a memory and we are truly one. We will continue tomorrow. So now I study!!! May 14-Tuesday I had a Trina heart to heart with dad where I had to tell him I loved him and when he talks bad about James it hurts me. I was hoping to help dad grasp some compassion but that was near impossible. I was worried to get him riled and then hurt mom but the Spirit camly told me I needed to tell him how much I loved James. It was rough on dad as his face was red, the veins all puffed up, and the girls tell me his hands were shaking. I validated the pain he feels from his past, I told him I know how he hurts and that he is not angry. I also told him How I am just like him and so is Jatae and then Atira and Zendia piped in, “and me too”. I told him I had tried to fight like he does but discovered he was wrong and I had found a better way through feeling and letting the atonement of Jesus take it. Dad tried to say he did not hurt and finally admitted he did. I validated him again and again. I told him there is not other kid as much like him as me so I can tell him what he is thinking and feeling, He would disagree at first but I would be right. He tried to focus on all the pain of others; ok Elaine telling grandma and grandpa how terrible they were and I shared that James has never done that. He may not like what his mother did and does but we have never yelled at her. I told dad that it hurts when he talks bad about James and he said he has never done that to James. I agreed and told him he just tell me and it hurts me. I told dad I would marry James all over again and do it all again, I would choose him over and over and never another because it brought me closer to God. I put my calm hand on his shoulder and I looked him in the eyes with love as he looked with the face of an angry warrior. He would eventually turn to the side as I told him that fighting does not work, He was wrong. When I said that he was like “see…” as if I disrespected him. I told him that I had tried to be kind and he would not listen so I had to get blunt. When we learn to feel the Lord takes it and we are filled with peace. I told dad the peace was nice and hoped he could feel it some day. I hugged him and we left. They are camping up Diamond Fork and we went up for dinner. The rest of the day I mowed the lawn, visited with neighbors and studied. It takes a long time to mow the lawn. For family fun night we went up Diamond Fork CAnyon to have dinner with mom and dad. We went for a walk after eating and visited. My conversation came just before we left. It began with dad getting really rude about James and his mother. He very harshly reported his belief that God sent James to her for a reason. I agreed but God did not intend her to fail and fail she did. Dad cannot see past himself and his hurts and his beliefs to even begin to comprehend the feelings of another. He is a great example of what happens when you never forgive and you keep hate and pain with you always; it’s not pretty so I encourage you to always forgive; it is a commandment after all and I can truly see why. So I read in the Relief Society first 50 years: I am encouraged to pray and not to cease and not a lazy prayer but a searching prayer daily for the kingdom, for my sisters, for my family. Like a missionary

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we were encouraged to pray for our investigators by name and be specific. I got specifics from dad Bridges and from Kevin. We need that from our sisters in the ward. Pray, pray, pray, pray; it’s all about the praying. We need to pray more and encourage more praying. If we seek we shall find. We find what we seek. When we seek drugs we find them when we seek God we find him, when we seek faults we find them when we seek those in need we find them. Simple but powerful concept we find what we seek and we seek what we want. I am committing to pray with more specifics and with greater intent. The girls’ and I studied more on marriage and talked about divorce and how it’s root cause is “hard hearts” and selfishness. I warned the girls that if a divorce occurs for any of them it better be after they gave their all and it’s his doing not theirs unless it’s abuse or fornication as the Bible so teaches. I shared with them how James and I thought about divorce and how I went to mothers for a time out and he looked at porn only to discover it did not heal his heart or replace me and he chose me. The road was long and arduous but we made it and still have more to go but we are doing it together and James is and I am improving each day. We also talked about separating problems, mistakes, and sins from the person and seeing them as a child of God: Jatate got that one, and seeing the problem, mistake, and or sin as just that the problem, mistake, and or sin. I was on fire with the Spirit and I loved guiding the lesson; I hope and pray they felt the Spirit. Marriage is so precious so glorious, so wonderful so painful and so rewardingly joyful!!!!!! I would recommend it to everyone. Choose wisely too. I made the best and I do mean the BEST choice for me and I love him still and my love continues to grow more solid and more endearing and to a greater depth each and every day. James is mine and I thank Father for him every second of every day. We are not twain, that means two we are one!!! May 15-Wednesday Oh we are definitely on the countdown now. Only 7 more days of school!!! Oh boy!!! Yesterday Nakiya performed in a short play at school for her drama. The one girl began to say her lines and so she was lost so the other girl fed her lines to her. Nakiya told me later she felt impressed to learn the other girls lines but pushed it aside. We were able to discuss how that was the Holy Ghost who knew what would happen and hopefully next time Kiya will obey. She was about to cry she felt so bad but it’s ok we all make mistakes and it was not her fauth the other girl messed up and took over her lines; that would throw anyone. Nakiya did say they did the play for the school and it was much better so I am thrilled she tried. I wish she would continue but she did not next year so we shall see. My period began yesterday and I was feeling so tired. I lay in the tub for over two hours not realizing the time had passed so fast. Zendia did her upstart and then watched netflix. By the time I got out we had lunch @ 12:30; we usually eat at 11:00. We then went outside as the weather is so nice now. I sat in the shade reading and she invited Shelby and Payton over; Kaylun their mother was filling out for school loans; I remember those days quite painfully actually. When the girls arrived home we talked and visited. Attira had activity days so I dropped her off. We did begin to clean and we changed up our job assignments and I typed up a check off list for the girls to do during the summer. I was just reading a talk by Elder Boyd K Packer from 1981 on marriage as that is the topic of our discussions this week. Wow!! I am amazed that 38 years ago he gave a talk that fits so perfectly to today's standards. He is so blunt I almost want to copy and paste the whole talk here. He is frank and honest about the importance of marriage and how sacred it is. He is also very blunt and frank about how the world sees it and that was 38 years ago. I did not fully comprehend that living together would destroy words like man, woman, motherhood, fatherhood, boys and girls and eventually throw love out completely. Satan is good at his deception because more and more live together pretending, mocking marriage as if they had a right to all the blessings without

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commitment. So sad, really. I pray I will always hold dear and that you will always cherish the word and rights to marriage. Marriage by Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles The prophet Jacob foretold the destruction of a people because they were blind to ordinary things, “which blindness,” he said, “came by looking beyond the mark.” (Jacob 4:14.) We often seek for things we cannot seem to find when they are within easy reach—ordinary, obvious things. I wish to talk about an ordinary word. I have tried for months—really tried—to find some way to hold this word up in such a way that you would be very impressed with what it means. The word is marriage. I have wished that I could set before you a finely carved chest, placing it where the light is just right. I would carefully unlatch it and reverently uncover the word—marriage. Perhaps then you would see that it is priceless! I cannot show it to you that way, so I will do the best I can using other ordinary words. It is my purpose to endorse and to favor, to encourage and defend marriage. Many regard it nowadays as being, at best, semiprecious, and by some it is thought to be worth nothing at all. I have seen and heard, as you have seen and heard, the signals all about us, carefully orchestrated to convince us that marriage is out of date and in the way. There is a practice, now quite prevalent, for unmarried couples to live together, a counterfeit of marriage. They suppose that they shall have all that marriage can offer without the obligations connected with it. They are wrong! However much they hope to find in a relationship of that kind, they will lose more. Living together without marriage destroys something inside all who participate. Virtue, self-esteem, and refinement of character wither away. Claiming that it will not happen does not prevent the loss; and these virtues, once lost, are not easily reclaimed. To suppose that one day they may nonchalantly change their habits and immediately claim all that might have been theirs had they not made a mockery of marriage is to suppose something that will not be. One day, when they come to themselves, they will reap disappointment. One cannot degrade marriage without tarnishing other words as well, such words as boy, girl, manhood, womanhood, husband, wife, father, mother, baby, children, family, home. Such words as unselfishness and sacrifice will then be tossed aside. Then self-respect will fade and love itself will not want to stay. If you have been tempted to enter such a relationship or if you now live with another without marriage, leave! Withdraw from it! Run away from it! Do not continue with it! Or, if you can, make a marriage out of it. Even a rickety marriage will serve good purpose as long as two people struggle to keep it from falling down around them. And now a word of warning. One who destroys a marriage takes upon himself a very great responsibility indeed. Marriage is sacred! To willfully destroy a marriage, either your own or that of another couple, is to offend our God. Such a thing will not be lightly considered in the judgments of the Almighty and in the eternal scheme of things will not easily be forgiven. Do not threaten nor break up a marriage. Do not translate some disenchantment with your own marriage partner or an attraction for someone else into justification for any conduct that would destroy a marriage.

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This monumental transgression frequently places heavy burdens upon little children. They do not understand the selfish yearnings of unhappy adults who are willing to buy their own satisfaction at the expense of the innocent. God Himself decreed that the physical expression of love, that union of male and female which has power to generate life, is authorized only in marriage. Marriage is the shelter where families are created. That society which puts low value on marriage sows the wind and, in time, will reap the whirlwind—and thereafter, unless they repent, bring upon themselves a holocaust! Some think that every marriage must expect to end in unhappiness and divorce, with the hopes and dreams predestined to end in a broken, sad wreck of things. Some marriages do bend, and some will break, but we must not, because of this, lose faith in marriage nor become afraid of it. Broken marriages are not typical. Remember that trouble attracts attention! We travel the highway with thousands of cars moving in either direction without paying much attention to any of them. But should an accident occur, we notice immediately. If it happens again, we get the false impression that no one can go safely down the road. One accident may make the front page, while a hundred million cars that safely pass are not regarded as worth mentioning. Writers think that a happy, stable marriage does not have the dramatic appeal, the conflict worth featuring in a book or a play or a film. Therefore, we constantly hear about the ruined ones and we lose our perspective. I believe in marriage. I believe it to be the ideal pattern for human living. I know it to be ordained of God. The restraints relating to it were designed to protect our happiness. I do not know of any better time in all of the history of the world for a young couple who are of age and prepared and who are in love to think of marriage. There is no better time because it is your time. I know that these are very troubled times. Troubles like we have now are very hard on marriages. Do not lose faith in marriage. Not even if you have been through the unhappiness of a divorce and are surrounded with pieces of a marriage that has fallen apart. If you have honored your vows and your partner did not do so, remember God is watching over us. One day, after all of the tomorrows have passed, there will be recompense. Those who have been moral and faithful to their covenants will be happy and those who have not will be otherwise. Some marriages have broken up in spite of all that one partner could do to hold the marriage together. While there may be faults on both sides, I do not condemn the innocent one who suffers in spite of all that was desired and done to save the marriage. And to you I say, do not lose faith in marriage itself. Do not let your disappointment leave you bitter or cynical or justify any conduct that is unworthy. If you have had no opportunity for marriage or if you have lost your companion in death, keep your faith in marriage. Some years ago an associate of mine lost his beloved wife. She died after a lingering illness, and he watched in helpless agony as the doctors withdrew all hope. One day near the end she told him that when she was gone she wanted him to marry again and he was not to wait too long a time. He protested! The children were nearly grown and he would go the rest of the way alone. She turned away and wept and said, “Have I been such a failure that after all our years together you would rather go unmarried? Have I been such a failure?”

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In due time there came another, and their life together has reaffirmed his faith in marriage. And I have the feeling that his first beloved wife is deeply grateful to the second one, who filled the place that she could not keep. Marriage is yet safe, with all its sweet fulfillment, with all its joy and love. In marriage all of the worthy yearnings of the human soul, all that is physical and emotional and spiritual, can be fulfilled. Marriage is not without trials of many kinds. These tests forge virtue and strength. The tempering that comes in marriage and family life produces men and women who will someday be exalted. God has ordained that life should have its beginning within the protecting shelter of marriage, conceived in a consummate expression of love and nurtured and fostered with that deeper love which is accompanied always by sacrifice. Marriage offers fulfillment all the way through life—in youth and young love, the wedding and on the honeymoon, with the coming of little children and the nurturing of them. Then come the golden years when young ones leave the nest to build one of their own. The cycle then repeats itself, as God has decreed it should. There is another dimension to marriage that we know of in the Church. It came by revelation. This glorious, supernal truth teaches us that marriage is meant to be eternal. There are covenants we can make if we are willing, and bounds we can seal if we are worthy, that will keep marriage safe and intact beyond the veil of death. The Lord has declared, “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39.) The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children can be happy at home and that the family can continue through eternity. All Christian doctrine is formulated to protect the individual, the home, and the family. These lines express something of the place of marriage in the eternal progress of man: We have within a burning flame, A light to kindle lights, The sacred fire of life itself, Which if misused ignites A smold’ring, suffocating cloud Of sorrow and distress. When used by law this power brings forth A life, a family, happiness. Temptors from the darkest realm Seek to pervert this power In acts of wickedness and waste Until there comes the hour Of judgment and of recompense, When bitter tears are shed O’er power once held to foster life That now is gone and dead. I know this power to be a key, A very key to God’s own plan Which brings to pass eternal life And immortality for man.

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And marriage is the crucible Where elements of life combine, Where mortal temples are conceived Within that plan divine. Then spirit offspring of our God Can come through mortal birth To have a choice, to face the test— The purpose of our stay on earth. Here good and evil stand alike Before decision’s sovereign nod. Those who elect the righteous path Will part the veil, return to God. A gift from God, the plan provides That mortal beings in humble strait Be given power, supernal power, To share their love and help create A living child, a living soul, Image of man, and of Deity. How we regard this sacred gift Will fix our course, our destiny! Eternal love, eternal marriage, eternal increase! This ideal, which is new to many, when thoughtfully considered, can keep a marriage strong and safe. No relationship has more potential to exalt a man and a woman than the marriage covenant. No obligation in society or in the Church supersedes it in importance. I thank God for marriage. I thank God for temples. I thank God for the glorious sealing power, that power which transcends all that we have been given, through which our marriages may become eternal. May we be worthy of this sacred gift, I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. See it was so worth cutting and pasting. I love you and pray the Spirit will testify to you of the truthfulness of his words and may you fight to uphold the virtues of marriage. May 20-Monday I have suffered with much sinus pressure this weekend and a slight fever so if you know me well enough you won't be shocked to hear I read the weekend away. I might have hit my quota as I am getting tired of those read. We shall see; I seem to go in binges and this particular binge may have hit an end. Who knows. I did take Attira and Zendia and we went and did Leilani’s engagement photos. She is so dear and we truly love her so much. It was so much fun to visit with her even if my head was swimming. She is a tender wonderful lady and I am so excited to have her get married and join us in the married crowd. I do so love being married to James. I love being married. I love the companionship, the help, the laughs, the love, the support. It is wonderful to be married and as we studied marriage all last week with the girls I love and appreciate marriage even more.

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I tried to get James up to attend sacrament meeting but it was a no go. So the girls and I went and enjoyed the talks on prayer and faith. I was thinking about my future job and wondering if I asked God what he wanted or if I just told him what I wanted. I vowed to repent and seek both. Yesterday the girls and I studied the SAvior triumphal entry into Jerusalem and then his soon to come triumphal entry here for His second coming. As we read that an army of his warriors will follow him on white horses by heart yearned to be in that crowd. I don’t think I will be alive to see Him come so I want to be in his army that follows behind him. Revelation 19:14 “And the armies which were in heaven followed Him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.” Oh how I want to be in that army. Attira wanted to be with me as well. Dad is always talking how he will be here for His second coming and I think he would prefer following in the army as well. It is here in verse 13 which declares he will be coming in red or “blood” as the verse says. Sunday, as I was locating a friend I discovered Nakiya and Jatae’s teachers had not arrived and so I stepped in until they did. Brother Cope came not too long later hearing that kids were “wondering the halls” I began with what did you study with your families only to be saddened that we were the only ones who studied so I called on them to remember what. We then followed the Spirit and talked about the Rich man who asked “what must I do to gain eternal life?” That lead us to President Nelson’s talk Come Follow Me; our family discussion went there as well. So again we discussed what we must do; Pour out your heart to God Ask Him if these things are true Make time to study His words Really study! If you truly love your family and if you desire to be exalted with them throughout eternity, pay the price now--through Serious study and Fervent prayer; we looked up fervent: having a passionate intensity. We discussed the theme to study and pray and went into greater detail with the kids; they are amazing just so you know, you know in case you were wondering; they are amazing!!! The Prophet goes further to tell us what to pray and ask for: First put yourself in a position to have experiences with him. It dawned on me that even thought the rich man had been obedient from his youth it is possible he still had not had experiences with the Lord; this may have been his first one. The kids discussed that the more experiences we have in sports or music the better we get; this is true with the Savior as well the more experiences we have with Him the more we know Him, the more we trust Him, and the more we become like Him. That was cool for me to learn. Humble yourself: I shared how I took years before experiencing this feeling but when I did it was glorious and a bit painful; or as I describe it painful peace. Peace knowing I don’t have to do it all or know it all I have the SAvior and pain knowing i have faults and weaknesses. Pray to have eyes to see God’s hand in your life and in the world around you. Ask Him to tell you if He is really there Ask Him if he knows you. Ask Him how he feels about you and then listen We had a lovely discussion about those questions and one young man commented that why should he ask because it has been ingrained as to who he is. Brother Cope great a great testimony concerning to know and to feel are different and how when we know with our hearts that will sustain us as knowledge can fade. Or at least that it what I got from what he said. Nakiya shared how she asked and was told Yes it’s true. I shared how I asked and How Father told me, “On my dearest sweetheart you have always knows it’s true.” I was filled with so much love at that time and I

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love to remember it and feel it again and again. It reminds me that I will always be his little girl and that I know it’s true and I cannot deny it. We encouraged the youth to ask, pray and study over and over again. I shared my belief that I think God is making the last hour seem longer so can cover what we need. We closed with the Prophets words, “Now, as President of His Church, I plead with you … Do the spiritual work to find out for yourselves, and please do it now. Time is running out.” It was glorious with the girls, it was glorious with the youth in their class. It was what I had and I was grateful I could be of service. Brother Cope apologized later saying it was his son and daughter in-law who did not get a sub. I was not put out in the least and enjoyed it immensely. I have to admit too, I used to miss teaching when I was in scouts now I don't’ because I teach every morning and all the things I thought parents should teach their kids I teach mine, so I am good. Today we went over the two great commandments to love God with all our heart, might, mind, and soul and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Then we went to Deuteronomy 13:3 and for the next couple of days we will share a great lesson I learned when I returned home from my mission. I asked the girls how they felt about the word “test” and Nakiya’s face cringed and Jatae groaned. I feel the same and used to when I was told “life is a test” well I don’t feel that way because I know the test question. It’s now did you do this or that or did you not do this or that. Simply it is “Do you Love Me?” that is the question test of life. The Lord our God proves us; or wants to see if we have the ability to love Him and if we love Him we keep His commandments. Oh boy I cannot wait to further divulge that one. I spent a couple hours with brother and sister Chidester, ESther and Greg; I learned their story and it is a great love story; I am blessed to know them and to have had that time to get to know them and to share our own great love story. James, I don’t think he knows what a great love story ours is, I am going to make a goal to tell him what a great love story we have. There is not a book on the shelf; at least not one that i have read that is better than our story; even if I do enjoy reading them!!! President Nelson then ask three different times; Where is my family? I felt pained and sorrowful for those siblings of mine who are not keeping true to the covenants they made in the temple. I felt sorrow for the one who refuses to go to the temple or keep her baptismal covenants. I see her children and theirs falling astray and worshiping in the great and spacious building; however, good they may be and they are good but still they are in what I consider the wrong building. I have begun to pray more earnestly for them. Then I thin of our immediate family and I can honestly say we are trying and I make it known I want them to follow me to Christ. I have set a good example in most areas and shares those examples and again plead to come and follow me as I follow the SAvior. I plead with them, I teach them correct doctrine and then ask what they want and where they want to go. I want them with me, I remind them that Father wants them to come home and then I teach them what they need to do to get home. The rest is up to them. May 21-Tuesday I had the most delightful conversation with Mother Bridges last night. My head was so pained I lay down with a heat pack on my head and called mom and dad Bridges. She is almost completely gone and so her usual depressing self was not there. There was a young child like LInda who made little sense but was genuine and funny. She sees hallucinations and told me she did, “Are you ready for this?” and then she told me very serious like, “I have hallucinations.” That brought a smile to my face; well to be honest the whole conversation did except when her real self would come through; I don’t like the Linda I have known for 14 years but I really enjoyed the dementia Linda she is funny. She laughed outright and told me, “Maloa you are a card.” which means I am funny. She saw mice in the back yard and was so distraught about it; there were no mice but I calmed her by sharing how my sister had mice as pets and maybe she could name her as Bill and Bob. Dad then asked if she

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wanted to send the dog out to get the mice; she calmed and changed topics. Although she changed topics quite rapidly and there was not flow to anything. However, the whole hour or more conversation was the first I have enjoyed with her and not felt uncomfortable or tried to run away and get off. Right off the bat she was upset with dad for telling her how to sit. So I talked with her like a child and told her she could fall and get hurt and dad was trying to keep her from falling and getting hurt. That seemed to ease her anger for dad “bossing” her. Then she lay back like a lazy teen and said, “I’m bored” when I asked how she was doing. After the hour plus conversation she told me how much she enjoyed the conversation. I like crazy Linda as opposed to the other one I have known for 14 years. I am reading Dallin H Oaks talk Cleansed by Repentance. Interestingly it goes right along with what we are studying as a family for the Come Follow Me week. First I found it awe inspiring that he called repentance a “...never-ending privilege. It is fundamental to progression and having peace of mind, comfort, and joy.” In order to repent we must confess our sins and forsake them. Forsake means to abandon, renounce or give up. Repentance begins first with faith in Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice. He suffered for us that we need not suffer if we will come unto him. After we repent, or in the process as it is a process, we must bring forth works of righteousness. I found it interesting and I am still pondering on it but he declares, “We need to partake of the sacrament each Sabbath day. In that ordinance we make covenants and receive blessings that help us overcome all acts and desires that block us from the perfection our Savior invites us to achieve (Matt 5:48; 3 Nephi 12:48).” and then he shared words and a scripture that was exactly what we went over in our MOnday scripture study; “As we “deny [ourselves] of all ungodliness, and love God with all [our] might mind and strength,” then we may “be perfect in Christ” and be “sanctified” through the shedding of His blood, to “become holy, without spot” (Moroni 10:32:33). What a promise! What a miracle! What a blessing!” The verses go right along with our lesson and we will go through this talk and scriptures when we meet together again. We missed this morning as we all gathered around James in bed while he talked; he needed that and so did we. I could not get him to scripture study so we opted for that instead; baby steps. Then President Oaks shared a scripture in Abraham about God proving us and I was like woo, that’s amazing it is just like the one in Deuteronomy. So of course I connected the two. Ok i have to interject and share; our little Cheetara is finally mature and in heat for the first time; she is a year this week. We have a tom cat outside trying to get Ellie. Ellie is not happy and that poor Tom has confused her for Cheetara who is actually in heat. It’s kind of funny and sad at the same time. Part of me wants to send Cheetara out for him but we don’t need babies. BAck to the talk. I am so excited to share this new found verse with the other. It will be our lesson today when we meet later tonight. Deuteronomy 13:3 declares we are “proveth” to know whether ye love the Lord your God with all your heart and will all your soul.” Abraham declares, “...prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command.” one is to prove our love the other is to prove we will do what he tells us to do. Oh my!! My mind is blown with wonder and the simplicity and the timing. God truly is in our lives and he hears and answers even our unsaid prayers. Christ Judgement is just: based on what is morally right and fair. FAir: in accordance to rules and standards. He knoweth all things!!! We must align our behaviors with the desires of our hearts. We will be judged according to both, not one or the other. Like mother Bridges her heart may have been pure but her behavior or works most definitely were not. I say that as what it with no judgment just what is. Works must be good. Desires of our hearts must be good. There are those who do good works but who have evil hearts; that too is wrong. We must have a good heart with good works. Both are necessary to exaltation with our

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families. That makes me think of Alexis; she does good works but her heart comes across nasty to me. I could be wrong and I am not condemning I am merely sharing what I see and I don’t see it all. Makes sense really. May 22-Wednesday Jatae had her 6th grade graduation yesterday. Sileilani Anesi or Lani as we call her made her a lei of candy. Jatae was the only one with a crown until Favi and Nana, Lani’s brothers arrived. Oh well she was the only girl with a money crown. James and I flirted through the program, Nakiya, Attira and I did the wave and enjoyed ourselves. We were blessed to visit with Lani and her mother Lei along with the twin brothers and we met their oldest brother Topu who will be a senior next year. Lei asked for a photo with the twins and Jatae and so we made them an oreo except Jatae went bright red; that was funny. We walked out with them. I just want to be their family, they are so amazingly kind and genuine. And they are from a different country and so I love them. Tapu plays football so I asked to adopt him so I would have an excuse to go to the high school games. I don't’ know if he accepted but I am using him anyway. Lani told her family Nakiya likes Isaac’s looks; I tried to tell them he was simply eye candy from a distance. We saw Isaac at the Dollar store when we went to get some gifts for Nicole Robertson and her children as they lost their father last week. Isaac was looking at a shelf but just as Nakiya said “mom look” I looked right at him as he had begun to walk toward us. Just at that moment Attira, who did no see Isaac asked me, “mom can we have this for camping?” holding on to a tiki pole. So I asked her, “what would you do with that camping?” and she responded, “Light it on fire” with her face and personality I started to laugh but Nakiya and Jatae made fun of my loud laugh last time so I was trying to control it. I covered my mouth and laughed outright as he passed he did smile. So we walked off to find what we came for, interestingly it was so random we went that way anyway because I was not after anything over in that section. As we walked away Nakiya told me who the young man was and Attira shouted, “That was Isaac?” OH man, if he did not know before he knows now. That was fun. He walked back and forth in the store for a bit, don’t worry we watched, or Nakiya did. Then we made our purchases. They were out of helium so we found some pooping unicorn, or I call them pooping ponies. Attira’s face lit up like it was Christmas x 10; I could not say no to that joy. So we bought one for Paisley and Braxton as well as all our girls; we got their family some sugar as well and then went to visit. Nicole had divorced Seth, the kids father and is engaged to wed in a couple weeks but it was still difficult for her. She even knew his end was close as he had some kind of cancer. It was good to visit with her and share some joy and tears with her. She is a dear friend to me and I love her. She and her fiance David laughed at the pooping ponies so our work was a complete success!! We had another amazing scripture study last night concerning loving God. I studied President Oaks talk and it fit in with our studies so went over that as well. I was so charged with the Spirit not even James bad attitude could stop me. I was so excited to share this truth with the girls and add that we will be judged according to the desires of our heart as well as the works we do. We carried on with it today as we have plenty of time and will conclude the week with how we are judged by our heart again. I am amazed at how well the talk I was studying went with our lesson, just like last week with President Nelson’s talk. It is so wonderful to get to combine the conference talk with the lesson of the week. I am so blessed to have the Spirit with me. May 23-Thursday Zendia and I spent the morning at Park Elementary helping out with field day. Yesterday Jatae and I took Resha to pick up her car only to drive through a hail storm. It came down so hard and heavy

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we had to yell just to communicate with each other and we sat next to each other. We went to Provo, and within seconds the roads were covered with ice as were the cars. I began to think Christmas was coming soon and I needed to put up my tree; only to remind myself it’s May. So random. Well that storm did leave but in its wake was left cold temperatures so I was frozen this morning. Took me several hours to warm up and I had my winter coat and hat on. Jatae’s field day got canceled due to rain. She is suffering with a broken heart as her girl friends are not being kind to her. She just comes home and cries. At least we are here for her. Today she got angry and fought us all; she was sent to the basement to think and returned crying. She is not angry she is hurting and I cannot take it from her so I hold her and I hurt with her. James and I went to Costco for a few items and he bought me some flowers. He keeps bugging me about a job and I finally told him maybe this is his test as God always comes in the last quarter. He can keep working overtime until God shows me the way. And if I don’t need to be full time til August it may be closer to then that I get a job I am not sure only time will tell. So school is out and winter is here. Good times ahead. May 24-Friday LAST DAY of SCHOOL!!!! Hip hip Hooray!! Oh boy, and summer is now winter as the temperatures have dropped and it’s freezing but it’s summer, sort of; so confusing to the mind. LIke an Alaska summer. Anyway, I have repented and gone through and read every Ministering Principles article since the higher holier way was established. There is so much more I will be doing to minister and show forth love. I was too prideful thinking ‘I already know how to do that’ or ‘I was already doing ministering’ oh how wrong I was. I was doing it well but now I must do better and be better. It has been an eye opener and testimony builder. There is much I can change and much more I can do. The girls and I went over Zacchaeus and how his heart was good and God loved him. We too need good righteous hearts. I have a desire to read the 1979 May edition of the Ensign as that was the month I was born and it was the conference edition. Fortify Your Homes Against Evil was President Kimball’s talk; sounds like a must read. If i spent as much time in doctrine as I do novels I could learn so much more. AM I willing to make the sacrifice? I did last night and it felt good. I still missed my books but I also felt accomplished and filled with the Spirit. May 26-Sunday It is highly probable that Cheetara is carrying babies. We have had several handsome tom cats here this week as she was in heat. We hope to get her and the litter fixed before giving then away. We had a great lesson on mothers and President Nelson’s General Conference talk on our ability to gather Israel. Our family scripture study will be on what we need to do to prepare for Christ second coming and gathering Israel is most definitely a part of that; a large part. I went to ward council today for Esther as she was at a farewell. It is amazing to see the leaders in action. I do so love this ward. OUr Bishop encouraged us to pray for our countries protection daily and to go to the cemetery to see the flags in honor of our dead who lost their lives at war. The girls and I went and the Spirit of peace is there. Oh to walk through the rows and rows of flags and to read the names. It was like they appreciated us just for being there and appreciating them. It was magically wonderful. I took a delicious nap today; I almost did not wake up but I had to get dinner on. We had tacos. James arrived home just after 6:00 like usual on his day shift. When he left this morning I was thinking he was coming home so when he was dressed and kissing me I was like why are you dressed and then realized he was leaving and then I felt sad as I drifted off to sleep.

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OUr ward is completely on board with making a greater effort for family history. Sometimes I think I have learned it all or there is no more for me to do and the truth is I can do more, and learn more. I look forward to encouraging more and more family history. I have so many names attached to us we find cousins and I am writing mom’s and dad’s story. I so enjoy learning about them. I need to get a scanner or find someone who has one so I can scan our documents like our marriage license and attach that to James and I so our posterity will have it. The Church has a new attachment called Making a Difference in the World; I am going to do what it says. Make a list of all my positive attributes and then take inventory of who I learned them or received them from. How has it helped me or made a difference in my life. Be grateful to those who taught me this attribute. And do this every week. Here we go; I am going to begin with my character strengths from the test I took. Fairness: I do care about things being fair. I am impressed that I can listen with an unbiased feeling and give others the benefit of the doubt and see them as God’s children with strengths of their own. I know God has helped me gain this attribute. In fact I will give God the praise for all the positive attributes I have. Going to school and all my teachers helped me gain this attribute of being unbiased; it was often taught that to be a good counselor we had to without our personal judgments. I did not think I could do this but I can, it’s amazing and I really enjoy this skill. I have seen this skill as I listen to my girls and clients; I don't’ judge or condemn I listen with love and then I can better help them. I have come to know that as I use fairness and listen with love others trust me with their pain and suffering and can be frank and honest with me. Gratitude-FAther has given me the gift to appreciate all that is around me. I was commanded to thank Him in all things and as I have done so my gratitude grows. I know that all things come from Him. There is not just one person that taught me this. I can think of Brother Cope who recently encouraged us to give prayers of gratitude. I can think of many institute teachers and school teachers that taught me that if I would do a gratitude journal I would be happier. I began a gratitude journal when James and I were going through a 12 step group. It helped me stay focused on what good was happening in my life instead of the turmoil. He also helped me to love James more as I found things daily to be grateful for concerning him. I am now learning to be grateful for my trials in the midst of my trial. Honesty: I do live genuinely. My dad taught me to be honest even if it hurt others; since then leaders and teachers have taught me to be honest while being kind. Jesus Christ taught me how to be honest and live genuine to who I am. God has given me the gift to love and cherish truth; I study my scriptures daily and love learning then i go and do. Jesus also taught me to not be a hypocrite and to live my values and belief. School and work has also taught me to be true to who I am and what I believe. I made it my motto that I would not ask a client to do what I was not willing. I remember one young woman whom I can see but cannot remember her name; she was one I was not really close with and so I was shocked and thrilled when she told me she knew I loved her and loved my husband because I was genuine and honest; that stuck with me and meant more because I did not know she saw that or that we were close. We were not really close but she could still see that. It will stick with me forever. God has taught me how to be genuine and to be kind about it. Dad taught me to be honest and Jesus helped me soften it. By being honest others can trust me and feel safe with me. Love-I do so appreciate close intimate relationships that are deep and having great meaning and purpose. I do not appreciate service relationships; although they have a purpose sort of I like to feel intimately close with everyone. God blessed me with charity when I was the stake girls camp leader; I hope I still have it. It took me years to do it but I eventually was humble enough to pray for charity. I looked up the scripture and then prayed. I began with Not easily provoked as I knew that

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was a problem for me. God blessed me to be slow to anger. Then I prayed to suffer long; that one took more time as I did not like to suffer but the Holy Ghost brought it to my awareness that it must be important as it is the first description of charity. Father taught me to suffer long and that I could still find joy in suffering. I learned to suffer long with James and his mental addiction/illness. We suffered for years and now we are filled with much love and great joy. Recently I have come to accept that my father -in-law has also set a good example to suffer long; only I don’t want to suffer as much as he does. Still I appreciate his suffering and his example. My mother is a wonderful of suffering long with my dad and I can so follow her example as her and dad are actually happy and appear happy no matter how grumpy dad is. I should have thought of her first as it was her example of being kind and suffering long that helped me suffer long with James. My kids have helped me learn to suffer long, to not be easily provoked as well. Like when they make a mess I breath first and remember I love them more than the mess and then I can behave with love and forgiveness. Zest: I do have great enthusiasm and energy. I tried to deny it for years. It was a brother in Georgia that made me see my fault, I remember him telling me, “Sister Morris you are smarter than you let on.” or something like that. Anyway I was holding back my enthusiasm as well as my energy and smarts. I love living I love life. I do have a great energy that others feel and enjoy. Life is indeed a glorious journey to be enjoyed. Sometimes my zest overwhelms people like Samantha; she was scared and did not believe I was for real. She would later apologize and become a dear friend knowing I am for real and I do have a lot of energy and enthusiasm. I take every job with enthusiasm to learn more and to serve. The calling I have is always the best! I love people I truly believe we are brothers and sisters. I really enjoy my life. My mission president saw it as well when he told me it would do much good but could get me in trouble as well. It’s my positive energy, I believe that makes me a good counselor as I can match my client and then have enough energy to lift me and then. That is enough for today; I am tired and will go to bed soon. May 27-Monday I just read President Nelson’s talk; We Can Do Better And Be Better. I feel like I have ammo to get James to treat me better. I cannot wait to share it with him and let him know I am praying for him. President Oaks quoted President Nelson’s talk in his the next day. That is so cool. It just is so miraculously amazing. President Nelson shared that repent means to change your mind,k knowledge, spirit, and breath; using the greek root words and all and then President Oaks did the same thing. The reality is we need to repent; yes we all need to repent. We need to change. We need to do better and be better. Repentance needs to be an integral part of each day. A natural process we go through daily. The rest I will add when i share it with James and ask him to repent with me. Oh how he will be stubborn and then change for me anyway because he loves me. Humor: I do love to laugh and be happy. I love my cackgel and I know it helps to brighten the life of others. There are those who don’t like to laugh but I do. Laughing helps to lighten my stress, brings smiles to our family and we all like to laugh. Joy gets me through tough times. I love the talk the Awesome power of Married love; the speaker said that just as Adam and Eve were leaving Heaven Father called them back and gave them humor. Humor is a gift from God and I enjoy it every day. May 31-Friday We drove down to St George on Thursday. The drive was lovely and I read to James as he drove. As a general rule we played bing with yellow cars, gringo as we found green cars, and bus for busses, and purple and pink vehicles. I totally won the bus category before we left Payson as I found a parking lot full of them; oh yah. Debi’s parents are moving down here so they drove down and had

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a hotel last night so we went swimming. I threatened Zendia that if she freaked out I would throw her in the deep end; she does have a life jacket, always has and still she panics. She began to panic and then focused on me and trusted me as she breathed. Within a short time she was swimming all over the place for the very first time; Oh what a glorious feat, victory for sure. Today James and Stetson went riding in the desert somewhere while Nakiya, Jatae and I went to the temple. I felt the love of the Lord as if to say he was happy that we chose to be there this morning. WE could only do confirmations so we were there only a short time and it was completely worth it. Another glorious morning serving those on the other side of the veil. ON our way home we picked up breakfast; I really enjoy the sausage egg McGriddle from McDonalds. James arrived home just before ten or so and then we rested until Stetson said it was time to come up to where his in-laws are moving into so we could unload the trailer. We spent the morning moving boxes from the trailer to the designated rooms. Debi’s mother’s parents also live with them; they don't’ like each other so they have separate bedrooms. After moving then in we had pizza provided by them for lunch and returned to our Bridges parents for some much needed rest. My back came out again so I will see the chiropractor when we arrive home. I slept far longer than I had planned and woke to Nakiya asking me to make sweet chicken per Grandpa’s request. It took a bit for me to wake up; I was really struggling. Anyway, I finally woke enough to get dinner ready. We ate and picked up some things from the store. Now we are lazily sitting again. James did help his dad fix his water filter; that was fun to witness. James does enjoy visiting with his dad and I enjoy watching him enjoy the bonding. Kindness; actually I am a little surprised I have kindness as a strength. It is one I have been praying for because I was not sure it was there. I seem to see me as mean and abrupt but now I am seeing myself a little different. Since General conference i set a goal to do random acts of kindness every day so it has been on my mind. True to form God has answered my prayers and given me many opportunities to serve and be kind to others. So I would say the gift came to me because I asked God for it and gave me opportunities to allow kindness to grow. Social intelligence; I am aware of the feelings of others. I would call this emotional intelligence as well. It has been a gift all my life to feel the feelings of others. And not just there feelings I feel it in my body what pain or joy they feel in there bodies. I was born with it really because as a teen it was a curse and I did not understand what was happening; as I believed all the blug mess to be mine. It was from a companion Sister Bourne that I learned to first disconnect my feelings from that of others. Once I did that I was able to figure out and enjoy my own. I would learn further from the 12 step group in learning to let go and disconnect with love when necessary and was further grown as I went to school. So it was a gift from God who lead me to people, groups, and school who taught me to be emotionally intelligent. This helped me be socially intelligent as I can ascertain what others needs are by how they feel. I have learned to read body language that still surprises me. Another gift from God that as I lived and went to school has grown. It helps me not go crazy with others stuff. It helps me take care of my own and then have empathy for others. June 1-Saturday We went to Sand Hollow to swim and play in the water with Stetson and Debi and their kids. We purchased some tubes at Walmart the day before so we had something to play with. We spent several hours playing in the water. Stetson brought their kayak’s and allowed us to take a turn. It was a warm, wet, wonderful day. I floated around with Nakiya and JAtae mostly. James came out once; dunked each girl and then returned to the canopy. Sadie walked out into the water and then went right back to the shade of the canopy James tried to force her out another time and she was not really happy about it. Zendia got in even though she talked about being afraid before we got there;

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she is so brave now. It truly was a fun filled family day. I thank father for such a wonderful blessed day. Nakiya came with me to Target where I got a bikini top to go under my swim shirts. I just needed a suit that I could take off the long sleve to put on something else like a t-shirt or dress shirt thing. Nakiya was afraid I was being immodest. I told her no one will really see it but dad and the occasional quick second or two when I take off the long sleeve swim top for a t-shirt. We had dinner with Mom and Dad Bridges. I made James favorite macaroni salad and he made hamburgers. I don’t really like hamburgers so I ate only the salad. Now we get ready for sleep. Oh I do want to share one funny from Zendia. She was playing a game with Jatae laughing and having a great time until “the deadness happened” and then she went “Ohh, the deadness happened.” the next time she died she went “oh the deadness happened again.” Oh what a gem. IT was funny to me. Next funeral for a family member and I want to say the “deadness happened”. Debi says she enjoys our girls as she has four mothers to help out with Aria. Grandma Bridges tells me Attira is quite intelligent for her age. I did some exercises today; reading takes a toll on my health as I want to read and not exercise. Jatae was the only one to fry her poor little back and shoulders today. Nakiya and Jatae were so brave and took the kayak out in turn. Nakiya was scared but she did just fine. Oh what a glorious day!!! Thanks be to God on high for such fun delightful family time. Bravery: I am not sure who taught me to be brave but I am. It took a lot of courage and bravery to go to the 7th ward. God told me to and I was terrified but I was brave and now we have a safe ward to worship in. I am feeling happier than I have in a long time and I am able to serve my sisters in that ward. It is going to take some bravery to hunt and find a new joy. Teamwork: Together Everyone Achieves More, I believe this will all my heart. I think the concept of teamwork did not sink in until I went through the University of Phoenix. NOrmally I just did my own thing. But in this college I had to do a group presentation almost weekly. I took my part and then prayed my teammates did there’s. I would fret at time but soon learned they always got there stuff done and I could count on them. We had one team project that went so well without me as I was in the hospital when my appendix ruptured that the teacher thought we had really worked so well together or I did not help at all. My teammates had to write emails and say I did help but two of us got together at my house so we knew exactly what was to happen. I am thankful we did or I would have been in trouble. I would miss another class from that group while in the hospital a second time. Spirituality: God is my eternal Father in Heaven, I love Him and I enjoy getting to know him better every day. My spirituality emcampassess all the other traits or strengths of character that I may have. If I any gift or talent it is because God has given it to me. My faith is what leads me to gather the girls together for family scripture study, family prayer, and all other counsel meetings. Heavenly Father has blessed me greatly with many needed gifts of the Spirit. June 4-Tuesday We put the pool up only to discover too many holes to patch; that was after visiting three stores and finally finding patch at the third. Several holes were patched and yet it still leaks. Tis the last year; how sad we have truly enjoyed the pool. Next year I will have a job and and we shall purchase a new one. Let me see, we have a new schedule to do family scripture study, clean, personal studies, exercise, and then freedom. I went to the Churches Family and Employment services and discovered more ways to look for a job and I can now update my profile. I worked on it last night until I just could not do anymore. It was a great time. Sister Rogers caught me by surprise as I walked out telling me that God had told me to go to school because I have a gift and only I can use it to help others; a gift that will help more than just our girls. I was not ready for such a beautiful compliment from Father and was nearly brought to tears. I had not told her how school had improved my parenting;

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although it did that. She shared how her jobs helped her as a mother and that was it. So for her to declare such I knew it was inspiration through her as a missionary of the Lord Jesus Christ to me; I needed to hear from another what I had come to believe myself and still waver at times wanting more than ever to just be a mother to our daughters but God has that and a greater work for me to do.. Father further testified to me through the scriptures and the Holy Ghost that I have a great work to do to bring others to Christ. I just need to know where at least by August. I would take July as well because James is getting tired with the overtime and we miss him being home. Nurturing; care for, help, cherish and encourage the growth and development of. I learned this from my mother to love everyone and to treat them kindly too. I learned from Father we are all his children, we all have gifts, talents, and weaknesses. We all have struggles but we all have the ability to grow. I learned this further at school where I learned to build up others, look to their strengths, build relationships of trust and encourage them to help themselves. I have come to cherish, care for, and enjoy helping James, the girls, friends and my clients to become better. Teachable/love of learning; ok so it came to my thoughts yesterday that in order to love learning I have to be teachable. My reasoning is that I cannot learn if I am not teachable. I learned that I love learning and I am teachable as I went to college. I discovered I experienced great joy as I read my textbooks. I experienced great joy asking questions and learning knew points of view. This carried me through school as I continued to ask questions and ate up every word my teachers and colleagues said. I would keep what I agreed with and use what I disagreed with to show me what I did not want; either way I was learning. I enjoyed learning from Jim Schwartz, Ted Gerun and even Kathy Bruner. She may not agree and I don't care; I learned a lot about what I did want to be and what I did not. She can act how she pleases as can I. I do so love learning and in order to learn I must be teachable. Emotionally Intelligent: I learned this first from Ted Gerun. He taught me that anger is a second emotion and covers more vulnerable and very real emotions. AS I practiced naming my emotion I began to grow in emotional intelligence. Further study lead to validating this concept and a greater awareness for me of what I can manage. I came to learn that I have a choice as to what to do with my emotion, I cannot choose the rush of chemicals and emotions that come automatically. I can choose however how to behave, I can choose to feel, I can choose to act, I can choose to breath and I can choose if the emotion is true, valid, or helpful. As I have come to accept and feel my own emotions I have come to accept and be more comfortable with others emotions therefore increasing in Empathy. Empathy has become a strength in that I can feel what others feel. For me I can even feel the physical pain they feel or the numbness. I was given this gift from God and as a teenager I had no idea what I was feeling or why, or how to stop it or what to do with it. School and working with Ted finally helped me learn what was happening to me. I did have a companion, Sister Bourne who taught me how to detach with love and how to separate me from others emotions; this has helped greatly with clients as well as my girls. I can improve detaching from the girls so I can stop feeling their butterflies in my stomach that they feel in theirs. I feel sad as I finished reading Part 1 in the First Fifty Years of Relief Society. First I was happy to read about the sisters banning together and donating a penny a week for the construction of a temple. I would love to encourage our sisters to donate a dollar a week for something. Ok, back to the sad the fight over polygamy would be the demise of the Prophet Joseph and his brother Hyrum. John Taylor would accuse Emma of using her position to “pollute” the minds of the women in Nauvoo against plural marriage. Brigham Young believed it was Emma’s efforts in thwarting plural marriage that would lead to the anger and fire that eventually killed Joseph, her husband. (169). Do to the strife that was apparently severely strong Brigham Young disbanded the Relief Society and

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gave harsh words against women meeting together. If you want to read page 171; he speaks quite harshly against the Relief Society. President Brigham Young would eventually reinstate the relief Society and call a new presidency 9 years after stopping it. Relief Society was stopped from 1945 and reinstated in 1954. I have learned that it’s endings we keep in our minds and so therefore watch your endings. I can see that as true. And we have a choice to fight to remember the good when the ending was bad. Here is a good example; for me I have struggled to love Emma as others might do to her ending; she ended poorly according to my knowledge and opinion. HOwever; after reading what she taught I want to remember her beginning as well as she taught many great things. I will not join others in ignoring her poor ending as it could be an example to others as to what not to do. I want to remain fair to her character to uphold her with charity but also with honesty. It’s tough so watch your endings. Kathy is the same; it’s hard to remember the good she did because our ending was so bad; bad enough that eventually I had to block her as she became so toxic. Endure WEll, my loved ones, endure well to the very end and then some just in case!!!! June 6-Thursday I spent the day on the couch with my foot up as I broke my toe on Monday this week. I went on visits with Esther on Tuesday and by the mercy of a loving Father in Heaven I was able to be on my foot for a couple of hours and met some wonderful sisters. So yesterday it was really hurting so I sat on the couch snuggling Zendia who was throwing up; welcome summer. Oh and our pool has too many holes and will not, is not making it through the week let alone the summer. Oh boy it’s a sad day. President Erying The Power of Sustaining Faith: 1-Have I thought or spoken of human weakness in the people I have pledged to sustain? Yes I have. Working with President Kathleen Thurgood was a bit of a nightmare and I got through on the promise of the Lord that all would be well. Oh and God told me she and the other leaders would attack me and I would try and run and then be asked to serve with them anyway. Really Father, what is up with that. You told me before hand she would be mean and yet you wanted me there anyway and I am not sure why. I mean I loved the girls and I loved serving the stake and I was sad to be released because I would miss going to camp with my girls but I also experienced relief that I did not have to work with Kathleen again. I have thought on the weakness of Bishop Bird because Father, you sent me a dream that he would do all in his power to stop me from serving and he did as best as his human failings would allow. You then told me I was not safe in our home ward and commanded me to move our family to another ward. So Yes I have thought on their human weaknesses. I thought about Alexis Dase weaknesses and was able to love her anyway and in spite of them. I loved serving with you. Again Father, it was you who warned me through the Holy Ghost of what she would do to get me released against your will and it was done. So I thought of her weakness then too because you told me. I thought on President Nelson’s and her spouses weakness as they spoke ill of the prophet and I loved then in spite of that anyway. I may have been cautious but I sustained her loving her, working to strengthen our relief society. In the end I was commanded to leave the ward. I think on almost all human weaknesses; and I love them anyway. If I don't’ think about it FAther tells me about it. I try really hard not to defame their character in word though; I like to keep it in my head. I did share with my close friends whom I told we were leaving about the situation with the Bishop. I tried to use facts without feelings attached. With Bishop Davis I saw in a dream he would judge me incorrectly until some situation and then he would love me. So I have thought in his weakness as well; he was friends with Bishop Bird. Right

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now I am wondering what is so wrong with me that God calls me, tells me they will cause me pain and suffering but he wants me to serve anyway? 2-Have I looked for evidence that the Lord is leading them? Yes, yes I have. I have seen that Bishop Davis loves my girls, he loves the youth. There is good that all leaders do. I know that God calls all people for a reason. I have not questioned that they could not do well for the Lord; I know all those who are called can. I do sometimes think that many are called and few are chosen. I have to look for evidence that The Lord is leading them or I would probably fall away. I usually come to the conclusion God hates me and loves them and then I don’t like that answer either. 3-Have I conscientiously and loyally followed their leadership? Yes, with Bishop Bird I was willing to do what he asked. I served in the scouts faithfully. I was willing to stay and serve even after what he and others members did but Father told me not to return and to go. I am loyal to God’s leaders I know he has called them. I pray they will be chosen. In the 7th I am loyal to Bishop Davis as I serve in the Relief Society. I can see his love for the ward as I have attended ward council and the humanitarian meeting. I will be loyal to them so that I can be loyal to God even if they are only called. I care about my salvation. I care about those I serve. I don’t want God to hate me. 4-Have I spoken about the evidence I can see that they are God’s servants? No, I don’t think I do. I will repent here. s 5-Do I pray for them regularly by name and with feelings of love? No, I need to repent and do this. I will repent and pray for Bishop Davis, President Esther, President Olsen, Ruth, and President Gayle and their other leaders. I do love them. Thinking of our family: 1-Have I thought or spoken of the human weaknesses in our family members whom I am supposed to love, strengthen, and support physically and mentally? Sadly, too often. I must repent and point out their strengths; I don’t even have to guess those. I need to type them up and put them here or in my memory, or notes on my phone. SAdly, I see my siblings weaknesses more often than not. I speak ill of them when I must not. I need to repent and see the good in them all. 2-Have I looked for evidence that the Lord is leading them, Nakiya, Jatae, Attira, Zendia, and James? No, oh man this is making me look and feel bad. I have not looked for evidence the Lord is leading them. I have looked for evidence he is leading me. I must repent again. 3-Have I conscientiously and loyally followed their leadership? This is a good one for the girls to follow Jems and I. Have I or did I do this with my parents? The answer is a resounding yes, even before I realized dad did not know it all, I believed he did. I wanted nothing more than to please mom and dad. I wanted to follow their leadership because i loved them so much and admired them. And I did not want to hurt them like other siblings had. 4-Have I spoken about the evidence I can see that they are God’s children? When it comes to my siblings no. I can for Trina, Resha, and Stetson because we are close. I am not good to the others. I must again repent. Ouch I am not sure I can take more censuring. 5-Do I pray for them regularly by name and with feelings of love? Oh man, I must repent again. I will pray for Michael, Damon, Kevin, Audra, TRina, Britta, Resha, and Stetson. And Mom and Dad. I can be humble; oh I just received the censoring of my life. I am humble enough to admit I have sinned greatly against my family and I need to repent. God taught me to be humble, I was compelled the first time; I can choose it more often now and it’s hard to do. It feels like painful hope. Pain that I have sinned so greatly and hope that I can repent and do better. I admit I have been so evil to my siblings and to my mother and father in heaven and on earth. I must repent and do those things above. I cannot wait to share this with the girls.

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June 9-Sunday Elder Uchtdorf, Missionary Work: Sharing What is In Your Heart; How can I as a member and disciple of Christ, best fulfill that great commission in my daily life, every member a missionary? 1-Draw Close to God. Do I really believe in Heavenly Father? Yes, I can say that I do believe in a Heavenly Father. I would not like to go through this life not believing in a loving Heavenly Father. I used to see him more like a Zeus tyrant god and have learned better. So Yes, I do believe in a Heavenly Father and I believe he loves me and all his children. Do I love and Trust Him? I do love Him, I am coming to trust HIm more and more each day. Most of my life has been plagued with fear so I took some counsel from a training and wrote the question Why do I fear? On the bathroom mirror. Eventually a I pondered on it daily I came to know my fears were unfounded and that God has been with me always. He has lead me, guided me, and prepared me for times and trials; through His Holy Spirit he has not let me down. I have been wounded and still he was with me. So yes, I love and trust Him. 2-Fill your heart with Love for others. Try to truly see everyone as a child of God. laugh with, rejoice with, weep with, respect, heal, lift, and strengthen them. Emulate the Love of Christ; a window to His love. I want to be a window to His love so when You look at me you will see Him. This weeks lessons was Christ sermon on love and he set an example of how to pray for others as well. 3-Strive to walk the path of discipleship. As our love for the Lord grows so does our desire to follow Him. He calls “come follow me” I come as I feast upon His words, pray to Him, with a teachable, humble Heart. Takes daily practice. The gospel for me has become an essential precious part of my life. I want it to be an even more precious piece. I want my heart to be “aflame with the testimony of Jesus Christ.” 4-Share what is in your heart. I will look for opportunities to bring up my faith in natural and normal ways, I will stand as a witness of God at all times and sometimes use my words. Let your light shine. Interesting, I just noticed it says “...that you may glorify your Father which is in Heaven.” sadly that is on our wall and I did not catch it sooner. But, we read this week that by fulfilling the atonement Jesus was glorifying His father and asked his father to in turn glorify him John 14-17. When we do good works we too can glorify our Father like Jesus glorified Father by doing a really great work. Interesting too, how this lesson is going so well with what we are learning in the Come follow me New Testament this week. Then again that is God’s miracles is we choose to see because other lessons too have fit and as a family we have gone over those. Heavenly Father truly is a wonderful Man. I had never thought to share what I enjoyed at Church on Sunday when someone asked about my weekend. Is it possible I did it without thinking? Maybe, I kind of hope so. Ni modo, as our Prophet has commissioned us to more purposefully speak of Christ I will do so. I pray my weekend revolves around the Sabbath. Share why Jesus and His Church are important to me. Pray with all my heart to find those who will Come and See and then Come and Help then Come and Stay. Share with Love and patience; that is a great tool. I have so much love and not the patience; I need to slow and not overwhelm others with my love so that they may know it is truly sincere. Love suffereth long/patience, love is kind/daily acts of kindness, Love envies not/is happy for self and others and what they have, love is not puffed up/it’s humble and grateful; love seek not her own/ is selfless, sacrificing for others; love is not easily provoked/is emotionally intelligent; love thinketh no evil and rejoices not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth and doing good to others/hearts aflame with the testimony of Jesus; love beareth all, endureth all, and hope all/patience. 5-Trust the Lord to work His Miracles. Remember I am not to convert that is the Job of the Holy Ghost. I am to share what is in my heart and live according to my beliefs and standards the Holy

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Ghost does the rest. Love God and Love our neighbors; this weeks lesson a follow up to last week as well with the two great commandments. BLD or build=believe, love, do. I know I have read that before maybe it was the last general conference. I remember writing it and thinking it was so cool then; I wrote it again believing it so cool now. I want to share this with the girls. Let us BLD. Through the Apostle Uchtdorf the Lord has blessed us, me with the confidence to be a living testimonial of the gospel values, with the courage to always be recognized as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with humility to assist in His work as an expression of my love for Heavenly Father and His children, my brothers and sisters. June 11-Tuesday “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive that is you-er than you! Shout aloud, “I am lucky to be what I am! Thank goodness I’m not just a clam or a ham or a dusty old jar of sour gooseberry jam! I am what I am! That’s a great thing to be! If I say to myself, Happy Every Day to Me!!” Dr Suess, i wanted to send that to my friend. I am feeling relieved and miserable today. Relieved and grateful for the inspiration that filled my thoughts last night, granted I did not get to sleep but I have my profile on Ldsjobs.org done and I am ready to put my resume together. Father, through his holy Spirit filled my thoughts with my me in 30 seconds and all my power statements of my accomplishments written safely for a clinician. I put them all in my phone and now I have them on my profile. I can now add that to Linked in and share that profile more effectively. I feeling miserable with a head cold that came on last night. I sneezed on Nakiya who lay next who lay next to me and I did not remember. My face is on fire, my nose is running, and when it is not running it feels swollen and closed off. That is what stress does to me because I felt so overwhelmed with doing my resume. Elder Rogers with the LDS employment agency was wonderful but so much was geared to business that I had to tweak it and it hurt my head. I wanted to cry so I asked James to give me a blessing. Father told me I am a critical part in my life, added stress; and he was pleased with the work I had done thus far. He also told me he would be with me and that I would not be alone every step of the way; this brought me to tears as I don't want to be alone and I really need HIm with me right now. I need his power, his love and his encouragement. I want to quit really as I don’t want to complete in this day and age. I am no better than anyone else so Nakiya and the Holy Ghost told me I don't’ have to compete just say what I have accomplished. Wow! James walks in the room and I am a ball of tears again. God helped me do it. Now what?? June 12-Wednesday I literally sat down to type my resume and LDS social services calls me for an interview. Elder Rogers gave them my information and resume and they called me for an interview. I have it on Monday; the Lord is truly directing my path. I then sat for a couple more hours typing up a resume, a couple actually. Resha came to visit today with the kids. We were treated to their company for a couple hours. We were blessed to stop by Kevin’s and see all his work he has done on his home and visited for an hour or so before returning home. He purchased some cards for the girls fundraiser so that was super great for us and them. I am so blessed with great family members. Cori is home again and no longer lost physically and Kelton is working and doing well thus far. Our prayers are with them. We ministered to our neighbors and learned she is going to have her babies via C-section tomorrow. Jason is worried so I asked if they had thought about priesthood blessings. Kim said they had not and thanked me for the suggestion. Our prayers are with them. We shared some kinetic sand with another friend after going through a miscarriage, Ali. I hope she can make a full recovery physically and emotionally.

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We then cleaned the house as we are going to Trina’s tomorrow. Oh and I called Debi to be more compassionate about Stetson being away on a business trip in Spain. I called him too too tell him my good news and asked him to find a bell for mom. Debi says she is doing fine and sleeps with the TV on to sleep better. She did not think anyone cared and I told her we do I just failed to put two and two together as I had called her earlier with my good news and was not compassionate because I did not think about it. I repented and asked her to forgive me. All in all life is looking up. June 20-Thursday I had my interview with LDS family on Monday; I felt depressed and sick all day; I finally decided the job was not for me but not until Tuesday Morning. You see the job was part time and I need full time. I want part time to be with the girls. God rebuked me and told me not to waste my talents. I had to fight to hold onto the Spirit; God rebuked me and told me to repent as I was going to the easy way out and not His will. I need full time, the girls will not be lost. I will still have time to do family studies and make the best of what we do have. God promised me they would not be lost; not on my watch anyway. So….. Tuesday we were going camping. I woke just after James arrived home and could not sleep more; I had a fitful night anyway and needed some snuggles so when the alarm went off I was up. I was prompted to fill out some more applications for Utah county so I did; one for a youth group and another for adults. I felt good about both mostly the youth so we shall see. I am going to do all that God’s sees fit to inflict upon me and he will help us adjust to either schedule. Mom and dad arrived just after 9:00; the girls and I had most everything loaded we just had a few odds and ends and James; he did work the night shift so he was kind of tired but woke and packed and we left just after 10:00. We went up Mt Nebo; it was a great vacation with cool air, fires to keep us warm, good books, and good company. Dad made a corn hole game and we played it over and over through out our stay. Normally we would still be camping until Saturday but James has to work. Dad got on me once about him and I told him, “No, I am not going to have this conversation with you. Until you have some compassion” and walked off. Dad kept talking but i was not listening. Dad is not James, dad is not in competition with James no matter what he thinks, and I will hear no more from dad unless it is filled with love and compassion and since he cannot seem to do that I will walk away; I will love him, forgive him and keep my boundary. Mom talked mostly about food and I laughed inside and out when I helped her see what is most precious to her. She will talk about what we ate, or she ate and how she made it and how delicious it tasted. She can talk about other things but her most desirable topic is food. Mine is the gospel and counseling. WE had a good laugh about that, me, mom and the girls. We really love mom and she is special lady. The girls even shared with me how much they love grandma Linda Morris. She shared with us that as a teenager she rebuked her mother telling her how could she respect her if she drank alcohol. Mom declared she never saw her mother drink again. When the family would get together for holidays and have alcohol or eggnog with alcohol she noticed her mother would not drink it. Mom never saw her mother drink another drop. What two great ladies; a teenager with the courage to rebuke her dearest mother and a mother who had the humility to listen and change to be a good example to her daughter. Thank you grandma Vera Jensen. The girls were able to find a safe “island” to play in the river without being drug down stream. The girls found joy in collecting random rocks; they filled the small bucket they had brought then to camp and then went and filled it again. Hours of entertainment. We sat together as a family and read books; we finally found a book Nakiya would read-she loves romance. I took a chance remembering I had read Valley of Fire when in Jr. HIgh so I shared it with her since she is so picky; she read the entire book and began a second romance; one I had picked up from the library but have

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not read yet. My daughter is reading and that is a huge success. Jatae did not have a book so she read Harry Potter again. James was reading a fiction on a veteren who lost his arms and legs; he was quite entertained. Attira and Zendia climbed trees and put balls in their shirts pretending to be pregnant. Together we would pla the corn hole game and eat; mom’s favorite-wink wink. We gathered for family scripture study in the mountains surrounding the fire as the mornings were quite chilly. We sleep quite warm with all of us in the tent and our warm sleeping bags. We are studying the last days of the Savior’s life and I can tell you satan does not want us to as his distractions are more abundant and louder as we partake of the Savior’s last days. We did not do much hiking with my toe still healing. All in all it was a wonderful time cut short two days because James has to work and we appreciate all his over time. Soon he won't have to work overtime and will have more time to be a dad and the girls need him. I read Elder Bednar’s talk while camping and have homework; I learned we need and must talk more of the temple in a sacred reverent manner that our girls will know what to look to, for their future. And our present really. The talk is Prepared to Obtain Every Needful Thing. Annoint: learned much from reading this and corresponding scriptures from the Bible Dictionary. Kings of old, or at least those of the Children of Israel; were annointed by the prophet to be king. Annointing was done for illnesses and friends to say hello or more so welcome to our home. Just maybe our anointings in the temple are like a welcome home too; sounds warm and fuzzy, it may not be true but it warmed my heart to think Father will welcome me home. There were several scriptures on how they made holy oil and consecrated it to be holy. June 21-Friday Went for a walk to the library with the girls after doing dishes and scripture studies as a family. The walk was nice and chilly and we should have worn jackets. Attira was wise and wore hers. Now I am in the shade with a jacket on and I may need to move to the sun. Oh yah, we moved into the sun as it is cold. I don’t miss my pool so much when it’s cold enough to wear a sweater/jacket in the summer. So random this year is. I think it’s a blessing to our family and a show of mercy from Father that it’s cold and we won't miss our pool. June 23-Sunday James asked me on a date just as I began to write on Friday. We went to dinner. I had a salad without only salt and pepper as camping food upset the balance in my stomach; it’s just too heavy. I need to remain on my grain diet even when camping. Saturday we learned of the Atonement and then watched the Bible videos on the television. Our Savior went through so much for us but he knew he would. He was calm because he knew he would be killed, he knew he would die, he knew he would be scourged and he did it still knowing it was what His Father had asked him to do. I want to have that kind of faith knowing I will suffer but it is the Lord’s will so I will go through it anyway. We then cleaned and went shopping to get some last minute things for girls camp. Good times. I was tired by the end of the trip as were the girls. We spent the night reading and watching television. I keep having nightmares of Kathy; she seems to represent all that is evil and terrible in my dreams. Last night she was very successful and hiring my friends; Samantha and Sister Wilson Savannah’s mother. It was so strange and uncomfortable. But it was like nothing I said made a difference and she continued to hurt others. In my dream Kathy was doing to Sister Wilson what she did not me and she was thinking about quitting but then she felt loyal to Kathy. I feel sad that I cannot stop dreaming about Kathy and I feel worse that she represents such evil in my dreams. Cheetara is most likely pregnant as she is bigger; she likes to be around me and will come find me and lay close by most of the time. Last night she was on the rocking chair at my head, by my legs

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most every night and now she is on my lap. It is interesting to me she does not like to be touched a lot but she does love to be close by. I have been able to close my book the past two nights and go to bed. I am shooting for 10:30; made it two nights ago but did not last night; it was closer to 11:00 It’s the end of June and I had to get out my heat pack to warm my feet. I had a jacket on all day yesterday and the heat pack on my feet when we were home. I have three children with coughs; Jatae, Attira, and Zendia. Zendia has just begun. Attira’s has been around for about a week and her eyes are all watery today. Jatae’s ahs been around since the end of May. It’s summer, seriously what is wrong with this picture? Oh yah, it is summer we are supposed to be healthy and it is usually warmer. The mountains are greener than I have seen in years and there is still a top of snow that is not normal. I keep praying for our family members. I don’t usually ask for any blessing specifically I just share what I see as their needs. I talk to Father regarding their children, the struggles I see and how I love them. I can testify that it has given me greater love for them as I have talked about them with the Lord. I have more charity and compassion for their struggles for we all have them. I love my siblings, I love our Bridges siblings; I may not hand out with them all but I can say I do love them and I do pray for them and I will continue to love and pray for them. I would encourage you to take the challenge to pray for your family. Have a simple conversation with the Lord regarding what you see and feel; he will feel you with more love and understanding than you can ever imagine. JUne 28-Friday Well we have had a great week for which I have failed to share. Tuesday was Dad’s 80th birthday. We had a celebration at mom and dad’s home. Everyone of us was there except Audra who lives in Texas. Aunt Jeannie was there as well. It was pure delight if you ask me; a piece of heaven when we are all together. Most of us had all our kids with us as well. James got off at 6:00 so we all made it. Danny was out of town but Resha and the kids made it. Oh I lied; Stetson and Debi were on a cruise but their kids were there with Trina who did not have Alan or Clint with her. Damon was there with his three girls and their families along with Devin. Mike came with Starlee and Kevin and his family were there except Javen and his wife Clarissa. The weather was beautiful, the food delicious and the company even better. Wednesday I drove Nakiya and Jatae up to girls camp and spend the day with them as we visited with our ward family and partook of the Spirit which is always with girls camp. We the Relief Society Presidency made dinner for them and left shortly after. Heather Acosta and Celeste were coming home so they rode down with me. We had a lovely ministering visit on our way home. Nakiya was so sad and wanted to come home with me so we had a prayer together and I shared with Kristi Snyder her concerns and left Kiya in the leaders capable hands. Kiya admits she missed us but she was grateful she stayed and believed she has learned she is not fully converted and needs to do so. Jatae talked like she really enjoyed herself even if she pretends she does not miss us; I like to pretend she does. So those two are about half alive today and sleeping much. Attira and Zendia played in the pool as I filled it about an inch or two. Yesterday James had a 2 hour presentation he needed to put together even though he would only give about 20 minutes. It was on why and how to destress after work. Oh yah I was blessed to help as he could read and then got writer's block like normal. So we worked together as a team; it’s not for a grade just for training and possible Srg. positions so I was more than willing to help. And since I cannot watch him peck as he types we talked and I typed. He presented today and reported he got mostly positive feedback and was told that all the information was needed for law enforcement. Sadly, he did not even get to the really good stuff, the techniques; maybe next time.

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Nakiya cried because he was not home as she needs her dad. He called as soon as he could and talked with her. She just needs him to get home so she can feel safe and get some of daddy’s oxytocin. I have been reading about temples in the Bible as per Elder Bednar’s suggestion; I am sustaining him and learning all at the same time. It has been amazing how much the Bible talks about. Like for example it talks about the clothing; the girdle, the hat, and the robes. It talks about the washing and anointing and how it is to sanctify us that we may minister unto the Lord; we are to minister-it is no wonder that we are ministering and not visiting teaching. And again we take upon us the blood of the lamb of God-meaning we take him upon us and he enables us to perform all that is required of us for good. Oh and it shares with us about the garments and how they are to be worn. But it could have meant the outer garments. But I know we can share that the garments we wear underneath are for a reminder, a symbol to remember our covenants and as a shield to protect us from the evils of the world. Back then they wrote the scriptures and put them in a box on their foreheads. Today we don't’ put a box on our forehead but we are encouraged to treasure up the words’ of God in our minds and our hearts so that we can testify of truth at all times and in all things and in all places. June 29-Saturday The girls and I went to the Lehi parade with mom and dad; Trina, Alan, Treygan, Daxton, Zayden, and Aria. The parade was nice. The kids got lots of candy. We were able to serve our fellow brothers and sisters by making room for their children toward the front and Jatae caught a water she did not need and gave it to a young man who was desperately trying to get it; he really wanted water. Nakiya too got some water we were able to share with another family as we had our own and they did not. It was great. We then had lunch at mom’s; hot dogs for us and hazelnut sandwiches for the kids. Trina took her family home and we went with mother to the family day at the park. Hayley was there so we said hello and she gave the kids bags and bands for the blow up toys. The kids got to go on a blow up slide and obstacle course and a train. Dad went by us just as we were leaving the park so he took us back to his house. We came home where the girls all fell asleep and James and I worked to mow the lawn and cut down weeds. I really want a trail in the back yard and a mini jeep; someday…. Jatae came out and picked up the dog poop with a shovel and threw it away. It was nice working together. WE came in and worked together to get dinner done and the table cleaned off. We are trying to work together as a team. After dinner the girls and I all asked for blessings; Zendia is stressed and has wet the bed and pooped in the tub upstairs. She was blessed to know that when she gets naughty she is stressed and to ask for help and she can also pray. Father told her to enjoy her summer and to be care free until school is closer. Attira was told to live as a true member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints. She is to know her place and to be an example to Zendia and be kind to her and to listen to her older sisters and know that when she is angry it’s a second emotion and she can pray to figure it out or talk with her parents. James shared with JAtae that every time he goes to give her a blessing the Spirit hits him like a brick and he begins and did again today; to cry. Jatae has a special mission. God loves her and has great plans for her. She was encouraged to read her scriptures and be quick to get rid of bad feelings. She was told from her FAther in Heaven it is ok to feel angry sometimes and for her to look to figure out what the real feeling is and be quick to let it go as the Spirit cannot work in her when she is feeling angry. She was told her body is changing and she is to become one with her body. She is to come to understand what it is doing and work through her emotions with prayer or her mother and father. She was sent to James and I as we can help her the best.

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Nakiya is to come to know that her family loves her very much and the world is not out to get her. She is to remember that her body too is making changes; she is learning to think differently. She is to be an example to her sisters and to not stress about school too early. Father knows she likes to be prepared; which I thought was interesting and she is most like her father and I can help her to relax and her dad can understand why she feels the way she feels; so cool. We are truly grateful for James gift of the Spirit and his authority to use his priesthood to bless our lives. June 30-Sunday Sorry, I had to pause to play games with the family. We played tenzies and farkle. James actually won three times in tenzies so he was not so grumpy and Zendia spanked us all at farkle; she thought that was pretty cool and then we watched a movie together. I was told that my job is coming. Father told me he is proud of the efforts I have made and proud of my patience. He knows how had this time has been for me not knowing what the future holds. He wants to me keep defending my sweet heart; I love James so much and it’s time to defend him. I thought of dad and how he is quite mean. I love my dad and I love James and since dad is the antagonizer I will defend James. FAther told me I would knot the job when it came. I keep having dreams of teenagers. James gets to come to church with us today. For dinner we picked up Papa Murphy’s last night and put it in the fridge. Attira tells me it’s strange as we don't eat out or shop on Sunday. I reminded her that we purchased it yesterday; I just thought it would be kind of fun on a Sunday to have pizza so we get to cook it today. I keep having the words of my last blessing go through my mind to wake early and retire to bed early; I have not done that so I am going to repent tomorrow; I have an alarm set for 6:00 maybe I will walk Sadie like I did last year. July 1-Monday We are finally free of Sprint; worst company ever. The price just going up and the … Well we are free and done enough said. We are back with Cricket who gave us four free phones for transferring the lines. I asked them why they would do that and James laughed at me and the gentleman there stared at me in disbelief. So… life goes on. Nakiya got the rubber band spacers in her teeth; she will get braces next week. Now I remember I did not return their call….After the orthodontist Jatae lead us in scripture studies; Nakiya lead us yesterday. Today we talked about Annanias and Saphira who lied to Peter and died. The girls had fun acting that out. We cleaned for about 30 minutes and then walked to the library and park. Attira’s book finally came in. The girls had free lunch and James picked me up to go on a date. Since we walked James brought Sadie to walk home with them to keep them safe; so thoughtful of him. We had a great date and that is when we learned Cricket would save us $60 a month; we would get home to learn the bill was up another $12 so we are now saving $72 grr. We feel grateful Heavenly FAther helped us see because we were going to wait but the light lead us in a better path. James and I spent several hours getting pin numbers and what not so we could switch. The switch is done and we are all happier and free!!! For family fun night we played kick ball out in the yard. Dave joined us tonight. We had a great time until we just could not breath anymore. I was with Jatae and Attira and I was doing the work while they fought over who was pitching. I hurt my shoulder blocking a few balls and decided I was done. I am so grateful for our family fun nights. We may have stopped playing outside but we came in and played Farkle. I won last night when we played with Heather and Kevin Acosta and James won

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tonight. Kiya was close but he had a couple lucky rounds of gaining like 3000 points in one hand; that was amazing. Zendia learned to ride a bike today so she and Attira have been riding as much as they can. Attira got her on and off she went. I read outside for a bit; I am near the end of Jesus The Christ by Talmage; oh that is such a great book. It helps me understand so much more of what Jesus did in the New Testament. Yesterday Attira and Zendia invited Heather and Kevin for dinner so they brought a salad and dessert. Since we had purchased pizza the night before we had fresh pizza too. Zendia sat down with them during the first part of sacrament before coming onto my lap. We had a great meeting singing the favorite hymns of whoever felt impressed to go up. I was hoping James favorite would be song and another member shared it; A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief. James used to sing that one while he showered when we were first married. Later another member asked for my favorite; Battle Hymn of the Republic who also shared that the song was encouraged to be written for the troops in the Civil War to have a happier song to sing as the others were dreary I guess; that was so cool to learn. James just kept weeping as we sang and then shared his testimony of Joseph and his love for our him later during family scripture study; oh what a beautiful Sabbath. Remembering it is helping me feel better about today. Again I am thankful to FAther for his direction. I thank Father for the freedom I feel. I thank Him for the joy our girls have experienced with new phones and Attira and Zendia get the old ones to play with. I thank FAther for James who I love so dearly, so tenderly. WE are truly blessed. July 5-Friday July 4th was a great day with family and ward family. First we enjoyed a slow morning where we were able to study the scriptures and get the house all cleaned up before going to Payson Lakes with Stetson and FAmily; Resha and family, WEsley and family and Mom and Dad. It was so wonderful. The water was just cold enough to cool us off. The company was great. I took Zendia on the canoe and she told me, “Not so fast mom, not so fast...too fast.” it was cute and funny as we were not going that fast. We stayed there until after 5:00. We were not home when James arrived from work but arrived just after. James and I spent some quality time together. We tried to get the girls to eat with us but they were busy trying to get the television on. And we all needed a shower. Later that night Zendia, Attira, and I went up the road to the block party put on by Marianne and her husband. They are not active but they had a great party and a wonderful fireworks show. I was so tired we retired just after the show and I was out. The girls stayed up watching a movie. Oh I am so thankful to Father for his freedom and for all the men and women who have sacrificed so much to keep us free. I am so blessed; you are so blessed to be living in this country. July 8-Monday We had a lovely Sabbath day with family coming to enjoy some delicious, and I mean delicious ribs prepared by our beloved James. Mom and dad came, and there were no rude comments; that was a blessing. Resha, Danny and kids came as well, and Uncle Dave. We visited, we played; we enjoyed a piece of heaven on earth together as a family. Jatae’s Sunday school teachers brother and sister Cope, Austin and Natalie brought her some brownies for her birthday too. After everyone left we learned of Stephen and Saul; two amazing men who gave their lives for the church. We studied both men more in depth today and then watched a movie of Stephen’s martyrdom. He glowed as he testified of truth of of their sins. He then saw the heavens open and Jesus standing on the right hand of his father but the wicked crowd did not as they were too filled with anger.

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I am reading Careful versus Casual by Becky Craven 2nd Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency. Do I live my covenants Carefully or casual? Careful-done showing thought or attention, done to avoid danger. Casual-relaxed or unconcerned; done without much thought or premeditation. WEll with those definitions I like to believe I am careful. For the record James validated my belief; he tells me I do not do anything casually. He also admitted that he lives both casually and carefully depending on the day and time. Hahahhaha. I am careful to live my covenants and to keep His commandments because I love Him. I don’t want to ever say “that counsel does not apply to me” I a have done before and never want those words to exit my being in word or behavior. I don’t ever want to justify with a “however” “but” or “except”. I want to be fully converted to the gospel and do all the prophets counsel me to do for I know their words are His words, their counsel His counsel and He gives it so we can become like Him. Who better to teach us to be like Him then Him. My goal for life is to go home to Him. I want to go home. My favorite part of every trip is coming home so after the vacation of this life I want to return home. I want to go home. Careful is being appropriate in our thoughts and our behavior. Am I careful in our Sabbath-day worship and in our preparation to partake of the sacrament each week? To be honest with you all, I can improve. I have tried to read more doctrinal books Saturday night instead of my fiction books and love stories. The last couple weeks I have read Jesus The Christ by Talmage so I can finish it. It has helped me be more careful. Sadly, I don’t believe I prepare sufficiently to participate in partaking of the sacrament. I need to make that a more sacred preparation and a more sacred ordinance in my life. I may need to study the sacrament more in depth so I understand it better. I was once told that if you don’t live a principle it’s because you don’t understand it. Maybe I need to understand it more. I am very careful in my prayers, scriptures studies and doing Come Follow Me with our family. I got this one down!!! Bam, what!!! For family fun night we went swimming this afternoon with Deklen, Sienna, and Ireland. Zendia is getting more and more brave with her life jacket and swam in the deep area most of the time. Attira can swim but she could not touch so that was rough for her; she chose to hang on Sienna who is clearly tall enough. Ireland could not touch either so she hung on me randomly when she would tire. The others can touch and we all had a great time. James wanted to get home to put in our mailbox and Zendia was done after an hour and a half so we went home and I later returned when the others were done. We had pizza for dinner and then the kids played. I typed up the Relief Society directory because that is something this ward does; other wards we have been in used to have paper directories but with LDS tools most have stopped. I can see the wisdom in having a paper one because this week LDS tools has not been functioning all that well. Fun things that happened is I reorganized the hall closet with the games and stuff. Our neighbor Kaylan came over to tell me her daughter Shelby was grounded but Zendia would not come home. Kaylan and I had a nice visit; she is in school now and I feel for her with two little ones and papers, lots of papers. She is a great neighbor. They worry too that Zendia is climbing their fences; Zendia is our climber and loves it for sure. Zendia and I talked later when she stopped her pride and talked about respecting other moms as well; she cannot stay when Shelby cannot play and she is not allowed to climb anything at their home without their permission. Zendia later got in trouble for taking my water bottle and running away with it. James and I got the mailbox in and it looks great. Our neighbor Jose made us a beautiful pole to put the box on and James dug the hole and put the cement in and I tied the strings to hold it while the cement sets. I was joyed to use the bowline knot I learned in scouts which helped stabilize the pole and allowed us to level it with ease; Kachow!!

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I thank FAther for a lovely day of rest and fun. I thank FAther for a good book I finished today; seeing that even with different authors they begin to repeat story lines. I thank Father for my calling and for my interviews this week. I pray one of them takes me. July 10-Wednesday I faired well with my interview but I usually do. I don’t mind the interviews I just wish I gave them the answers they wanted to hear. God has a plan and a job for me. He will tell me where I am supposed to go and I will be able to accept. We participated in the ward party yesterday learning all about family history. I really need to insight in the girls a fire for family history and temple work. It will save them and our ancestors. We need the blessings promised if we do family history work. We also discovered several close cousins; pretty much we are all cousins some just closer than others that was thrilling to know so many family members live in our ward. Back to Sister Becky Cravens talk Careful verses Casual. I am careful in my temple services and take the girls often as well. I am careful with my appearance and modest in my dress, especially in sacred places; I want to dress my best especially for church or attending the temple. I am careful in how I wear my sacred garments. I could probably be more careful when I take them off and put them in the bathroom. And I can say that no the fashions of the world do not dictate a more casual attitude for me or our girls as we dress to impress the Lord and to respect our bodies not to impress the world. I am careful in how I serve in my calling; I want to do all the Lord ask of me and when I don’t know how I can ask others around me. I am careful as to what I read and watch on television. The girls show just got banned as it doesn’t bring anything lovely or of good report or praiseworthy. I have been more careful in my language but seem to have gotten more casual here lately; I am not sure why but I do swear more and I need to stop that. How do I mark myself? My life goal is that others will see the Lord and Not me. Ever since I heard that song, I want to be a window to His love so when you look at me you will see Him. I want to be so pure and clean that you won't notice me at all. I want to fade away so all you see is him. A Window to His Love lyrics by Julie de Azevedo A Window To His Love Words and Music by Julie de Azevedo I want to be a window to His love, so when you look at me you will see Him. I want to be so pure and clear that you won't even know I'm here, 'cause His love will shine brightly through me. I want to be a doorway to the truth, so when you walk beyond you will find Him. I want to stand so straight and tall, that you won't notice me at all. But through my open door He will be seen. A window to His love. A doorway to the truth. A bearer of the message He'd have me bring to you And with each passing day I want to fade away. 'Till only He can be seen And I become a window to His love. I want to be a window to His love, so you can look through me and you'll see Him. And some day shining through my face, you'll see His loving countenance, 'cause I will have become like He is. A window to His love. A doorway to the truth. A bearer of the message He'd have me bring to you And with each passing day I want to fade away. 'Till only He can be seen And I become...A window to His love A doorway to the truth. A bearer of the message He'd have me bring to you. And with each passing year I want to disappear 'Till He's become ev'rything, and I've become a window to His love. I believe that is the mark I am creating; whether I am there I am not sure. I can share many occasions of lifting others like the Savior would have so maybe I am not that far away. I don’t want to say I am there or I may stop. I if I am there I want to keep the faith and always be a window to His love and Have his image in my countenance. Integrity: being honest and having strong moral principles; moral: concerned with principles of right and wrong. Character is based on integrity; conscious and constant living of moral principles. Elder

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Bednar: “...looking, turning, and reaching outward when the instinctive response of the natural man in each of us is to turn inward and to be selfish and self-absorbed….. My beloved brothers and sisters, the hour of your mission is come. And you can and you will do what you have been called by Him to do.l BEcause of Him, and with Him you can do this. In the strength of the Lord, you and we can do all things. I Pray the Holy Ghost delivers that message individually to your hearts.” July 12-Friday I had an hour and 15 minute interview with Jordan Grey and Ken from the Grandview Youth treatment center. The only words I have to describe it was that it felt like I was home. I don’t know if I have the job yet but I did have a dream I did get the job and then was yelled at for using the companies shampoo to wash my hair. I was hired on with Esther Chidester funny enough. Last night I dreamt Nakiya was in the Olympics but I was not sure for what or why and then I was looking for James as I held my son; a delicious baby boy with blonde hair; so random. I was so exhausted after the interview and the next day I just wanted to sleep. I was drained emotionally and physically with the stress of all of it. So I rested. I did get to help Ramey Chandia begin packing for her families move to New Mexico at the end of the month and that was grand. They gave me the book Crucial Conversations; one I had then loaned to who knows who and now they gave me theirs; what a blessing. The girls and I enjoyed another wonderful scripture study. I love how the girls feel safe to be honest about their pride and how they resist the Holy Ghost. Attira in her wise age of 9 was able to see and give exact examples as to what she did just yesterday to resist the Holy Ghost. Jatae too can give examples and she likes to pretend she is shy about it; kind of adds humor to her bad behavior. Zendia struggles; I got to figure out how to get her more involved. Sometimes she is and sometimes she is not. Granted she’s five and there is quite a gap in age. I know we need to cater more to her at times. For my homework I am reading for the Strength of Youth as encouraged by Sister ???. I am sustaining her by reading it and learning more about how to be more careful with my own standards. July 14-Sunday I spent yesterday on the floor watching Hallmark shows and some time outside on a ball reading. When I came inside I almost passed out so that was when I lay down on the camping matts the girls brought up and watched love movies with Nakiya that are clean. I have two goals: to be more careful with my sacrament taking. I want to focus more on christ. I was better prepared before churcha and then wondered what happened during the sacrament. My other goal is to be more careful with my language. I realized something today; well I have noticed it through the years but women fear perfection and if they don’t fear it they misunderstand it. I look forward to perfection knowing it comes through Christ. I cannot wait to be perfect as I know God keeps his promises and he has promised us that we can be perfect. July 15-Monday The girls and I got up a little late but we had a great discussion over Come Follow Me. We have been sitting out on the tramp for studies and it’s nice with the breeze. AFter that we jump as per tradition; it’s fun to jump and I have strengthened my muscles enough that I don’t pee my pants. We went to the library to get some books; I got some on substance abuse. I have an outline made and I know more than I thought I did. I just have not used a lot of substance abuse and knew I needed something. I found the 7 challenges the county uses and have those on google docs for me to print

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and put in a binder of “tools” for me to use. I am almost done with the outline from Healing the Addicted Brain by Harold C Urschel, III MD 2009: I thank Father for good libraries. I dropped the girls off to do their jobs; they did not, have James a shot in his bum for his testosterone and then went to lunch with Alexis DAse. Oh what fun to get to catch up with her. WE talked for about 2 hours. She told me Old Navy has a 50% sale today so we decided to go shopping. We found more at Walmart just so you know. HOwever, Jatae did find shoes at Old Navy that fit so that was a bonus and it was not a complete failure Zendia found a hoodie; it was all she asked for and she loved it so much she wanted to wear it even though it’s like 90+ degrees outside; silly girl. Anyway the girls are happy and we saw Nicole and her kids there so we got to visit and catch up with them. What a blessing!!! When we got home we ate and then jumped some more. Deklen came to play as he does not have friends to play with today. Mike called and told me Roxanne left him; I seriously thought he was pulling my leg and was going to tell me why he really called but he was serious. I feel for him. He has Gabe and is staying the night with Mariah’s second husband Scott; I believe. He asked us to pray for Roxanne. She has never been kind to us but we will pray and fast for them both. I know Mike is hurting and he was at least able to admit he is but at least for now he is keeping his covenants and she seems to have turned to drugs and alcohol. My heart aches for them both. I did read Elder Cooks talk from the last GEneral conference; sorry the title escapes me. Anyway; missionary work or aka gathering Israel on this both sides of the veil needs to be lead and directed with love. Love for God, love for Jesus Chrsit and love for each other. Love aka charity=long suffering, kindness, no envy, not puffed up, not selfish, not easily provoked, thinking no evil, rejoicing not in iniquity but rejoicing in the truth, bear all, believe all, endure all, hope all. A marvelous work is about to come forth, is coming forth and we can be a part of it. Cheetarah is due to have her kittens this week or next and she is about to pop. Oh she looks quite large and I feel for her. She does not like to be touched much lately; I cannot blame her; and she likes to be near us on the floor or the couch. We can always find her close by. She only goes outside when we go out and wants in when we come in. We hope and pray she delivers well and stays healthy. We pray for healthy kittens as well. July 16-Tuesday Well I just received bad news; Utah County has some kind of protocol that Jordan Gray has to interview 4 other people so I may not have the position. I woke James early to have him pray with me and to share my stress. It has elevated and my heart is racing and pained a little. I may need a second interview to prove I do know my stuff concerning substance abuse. Mike is coming around 11:00 for a blessing as he and Roxanne are going to have a communication with her parents; sadly he is standing alone. Our prayers will continue to be with him and her. I pray she can repent and come to love our family as her own and know we love her. Or that they can split in peace. Mike wants to remain together he likes the sober Roxanne. He has some great boundaries for now. He asked me if he is a good listener. Sadly I don’t know him that well but I know our family is not blessed with listening skills we have to work for them. I was honest with him and hope he has gained some listening skills for tonight and some breathing. He goes forward with Christ if he has kept his covenants; if not he goes alone. I enjoyed how he said he called in the troops for help; something we say too. I told Mike we need each other we are family. So I am trying to improve my language. For the Strength of the youth declares, “How you communicate should reflect who you are as a son or daughter of God.” I am not sure my language does that. I think I can honestly say that it does sometimes but not always. “Clean and intelligent language is evidence of a bright and wholesome mind.” My mind is not completely wholesome; I need to repent and clean my mind and make it more wholesome more careful to remember Christ at

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all times in all places. “Good language that uplifts, encourages, and compliments others invites the Spirit to be with you.” I need to uplift, encourage and compliment more. Father warned me that something bad would happen; in my dream Jordan yelled at me for washing my hair and I was all innocent like, “I am sorry I did not know.” thinking it’s shampoo I can replace it if it’s that big of a deal. I was not shown the end of the dream or how this will play out but I may have to show I know more about substance abuse than I let on. Happy for me I got some books from the library and will have that knowledge. I am almost done with the first book and I have two more. I have to have it done by Monday. I pray the other 4 get jobs elsewhere. I called Trina she told me the school has a protocol to interview so many teachers in a given time. They have told teachers they will be hired and then notified others will be interviewed as per the rules. That made me feel better but it seems unkind to those who are given false hope with their interviews. I am praying 4 people get other jobs and not mine. I have worked on outlines all day today; nourishing my knowledge of substance abuse in the case I am called for a second interview or that I ask for one to showcase what I do know concerning substance abuse. ATtira, Zendia and I went to the flag retirement ceremony tonight. We were blessed to find our 4th ward friends and scouts and sit with them. Oh what joy fills my heart and appreciation for the flag of our great United States. One nation under God who loves us and will protect us as we serve Him. I felt the Spirit tonight bear witness to me of the sacredness of our great nation and love for those who have given their lives for my freedom. Sadly war rages throughout the world and will not stop until Jesus Christ comes again. I am so thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am thankful to know Christ and to have experienced HIs healing and enabling power. I am fasting today and will go to the temple tomorrow. I need the Lord in my life. And I need His guidance and direction. I pray all went well with Mike tonight and Roxanne. July 17-Wednesday Well the good news is Mike and Roxanne have decided to work things out and lean on God for help. Good for Mike anyway. I am now going to pray Roxanne repents and treats our family better; or at least mom better. We would like to be friends with her but she does not seem to want to be friends with us. So I will pray for her to repent. I went to the temple this morning; it was beautifully peaceful and just what I needed. I will lean on Christ and pray for my job to remain as mine; if that means a second interview to prove what I know about substance abuse then so be it. AS I was in the temple it was impressed upon my soul the importance of gathering Israel. I was informed as to the evil which is coming and how the unbelievers convert so many believers to let go of the iron rod. It is imperative we share the truth of Christ with others. We must speak of Christ, rejoice in Christ and share our love for Christ with others. The prophet did encourage us to be more intentional about sharing Christ with others. Preparing For the Lord’s Return by Elder D Todd Christofferson: Jesus Christ is coming again. He is coming to redeem us. What can we do to prepare? We must prepare ourselves and grow our own testimonies. We must gather His children or in other words gather Israel on the earth and on the other side of the veil. We must do our temple work. “All of this must occur in some substantial measure before the Lord comes again.” We must be prepared and ready to receive Him. We must be filled with a knowledge of Him; therefore we must read our scriptures daily and learn of Him. We must see eye to eye; meaning we must become one in heart and mind; one in purpose as the SAvior

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is with the Father and with the Holy Ghost. And we must be prepared to lift up our voices to sing His praises and give Him the credit. It is all about Jesus Christ. I am wondering if I should be saying I thank Jesus Christ for my home. I thank JEsus for our marriage that is still in tact and for the love we share with each other. I thank JEsus for my job and for James job. I thank Jesus for our four girls who bring so much joy to our home. I thank Jesus For good friends. I usually say I thank God or Father. Zion: pure in heart, one heart and one mind, dwelling in righteousness. Interesting the Zion of the Old Testament was taken up to Christ. The New Zion will be prepared to receive HIm. Receive=greet or welcome, be visited by. Joseph Smith told me, “we ought to have the building up of Zion as our greatest object.” Pure heart; our heart is not mixed with other stuff, our heart is without unnecessary elements, our heart is wholesome and untainted, our heart is perfectly in tune with Christ, and our heart contains nothing else but the love of Christ and His truth and His light. When our heart is full of Christ we can be one with others whose hearts are also filled with Christ. Can you see why I have this thing for heart shapes; I will admit it is my favorite shape. Goal of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: assist member to increase faith in Jesus Christ, assist people to make and keep covenants with God, and to strengthen and seal families. “We want to know about the Lord, and we want to know the Lord.” My objective goal: be careful about my temple worship services, hallow the Sabbath day, daily feasting upon the words of Christ. Temple; family history Sabbath day: hallow, honor as holy Daily feasting: Come Follow Me!!! July 21-Sunday Eternal life and Celestial kingdom is to know God,, and Jesus Christ whom Father sent (John 17:3) July 22-Monday Studying with Jatae; yesterday she wanted me to die a slow and painful death; today is better. Why is it important to study the scriptures? Study every day; when every day, what was that one more time? Every day!!! Studying the scriptures every day can…. Help me know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Gives me power to resist temptation Strengthens me in my challenges. Scriptures are…. Light/lamp Reproof Correction Instruction in righteousness Furnishes way to perfection Words of Christ=tell me all things I should do!! This is why I pray and open the scriptures for answers. July 23-Tuesday Protection from adversaries temptations Divide asunder the snares and cunningness of the devil Lead Me to Christ in a strait and narrow course across the everlasting gulf of misery (It’s a bridge :) over the gulf of misery for the wicked Land my soul at the right hand of God in the kingdom of heaven to sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and all our holy fathers and go no more out. The scriptures are my personal Liahona aka compass for navigating life’s journey back to home, back to Father, back to Jesus my brother and the Holy Ghost. Back where families are eternal.

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Me do… Hearken (listen) unto the word of God Hold fast unto it Give heed (pay attention and take notice) unto unto the word of God Give heed (careful attention) to the word Keep His commandments always Lay hold upon the word of God Lead to faith On Jesus Christ Repentance Bring a change of heart Firm and steadfast in the faith Made free I am teaching Nakiya and Jatae how to study the word and the above is what we learned together. I have another week or two to get our home in order and then they get to try it on their own. It’s our 50th wedding anniversary and this is what I want you all to say about me. Let me see first how old would that make me? Oh my I would be 75 since I was married when I was 25. Let me see. I want you to; well not just say it but actually be telling the truth. I want to live in such a way that all will know I love Jesus Christ. I want to stand as His witness and speak His name in such a reverent but purposeful way that you all know I love Him. When You look at me you will see Him. therefore I will keep his commandments and walk in His way. I want you to say that as you watched me you knew I loved your father, grandfather, brother, uncle; whatever you call James Bridges will all my heart and soul. I want you to say I loved my kids, my grandkids and everyone with pure charity. I want you to say I served God and did His will. I want you to say I live a life of service to others, lifting others,; wait this sounds more like my eulogy. But that works too. At our 50th just say all the great things James and I did together and how I adored Him. Talk about how I just could not kiss him enough and how he tried to get away from me; sort of, deep down he loves it. As to what matters to me most? I hope and pray that by my actions you know that is was first God our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and keeping the HOly Ghost with me. Second James my most beloved, cherished, adorably handsome, buff husband. Next our four girls, their spouses, and our beautiful grandchildren: yes I am talking to you!!! Then our ward family, stake family, and those I served in my career. That is what matters most to me. Oh and I hope that I set a good example of attending the temple and doing family history and lastly but most important gathering Israel!!! List 5 people I admire. Why do I admire them? What do they have in common? What aspects of these people's lives or behaviors do you wish to share? What about these people do I value? #1 Jesus Christ, #2 Me #3 James #4 Ammon, and the others sons of Mosiah #5 Captain Moroni. Jesus Was perfect, he loved perfectly, lived perfectly and did all that His father commanded Him to do even though it was hard and painful; he did it. I admire James and I because of what we went through with his addiction to pornography. We fought for each other, I forgave a lot, he worked so hard to change and poco a poco or little by little we changed together. We grew stronger in the gospel and closer together. There is no doubt in my mind that temple covenants give one power to change, forgive, hold on, and keep going. There were so many times I wanted out and I would have missed so much. You may think it’s prideful but it’s not I am not pitting my will against Fathers or saying I am better than anyone I am simply so pleased and amazed at what James and I did together and I really really really like Him!! And me. I thought of Ammon, Captain Moroni and all the other Book of Mormon prophets, Nephi, Lehi, Samuel, the sons’ of Helaman; I could add all of the Bible prophets as well, Saul-Peter, Peter, James, John, for their courage to preach the word even in the face of adversity. I have adored Ammon for his ability to serve without preaching; His brother

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Aaron for preaching to King Lamoni’s Father; Captain Moroni for being righteous even amongst wickedness and for the last Mormon who loved the people even though he would watch their demise and eventually die with them. Such charity. What do they have in common? Well they were all faithful to Jesus Christ to the very end of their days and I pray I can do likewise. They all preached the gospel even if no one wanted to listen; some converted thousands, some less and some not at all but they did what God sent them to do. I want to be as faithful as they were. I want to serve the Lord and do all he sent me here to do. I want to know Jesus Christ and I want to testify of Him at all times and in all things and all places; that when you look at me you will see Him. They valued righteous living, I too want to value righteous living and pray I never fall. I want to hold to that rod of iron so tight that I can come and partake of Fathers love and be with Him and Jesus Chrsit in his kingdom so when i die and I come to Him he will say, “well done thou good and faithful servant.” This next one is easy as I have both no all my dream jobs, to wed and be married for all eternity to James; yes this is a job and one I love and cherish. Next being a mother to our girls, loving them, teaching them, encouraging them, nurturing them, coaching them, lifting them up. And then I have my other dream job as a counselor to those who are heavy laden and down trodden. I get paid to comfort those that stand in need of comfort, cry with those that mourn, and lift those who are in need of lifting. I get paid to minister relief to the sick and afflicted. I am good at it because I see them as my brothers and sisters; children of God who need saving, who are mourning and struggling. I was blessed with the gift to nurture, to encourage, to lift, to teach, and care for them like my own kids. I teach them how to help themselves, how to be self-reliant and to have self-efficacy. I feel their pain, literally I feel it in my person just as surely as they do and that helps me know how to help them relieve their own pain. My best self is kind, suffers long, is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, rejoices not in iniquity but rejoices in the truth. My best self bears all things, believes all truth, hopes all things, and endures to the end. My best self looks to Christ, rejoices in Christ, speaks of Christ and lives for Christ. I just realized that to accomplish what I am sent to do I need to be healthy. So health is a priority; I need to take care of me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I am stopping my mouth from saying “I am fat” and what not to “my body is great and amazing” that way I will treat it that way. My body is amazing!!! Action Plan… Change goal: eat more fruits and vegetables. Goal for next month: eat granola, add veggies, keep up on fruits add more than bananas. We will get back to that one later. So Stetson gave us their rodeo tickets; life events stopped them from attending. They only had two so I took Nakiya as it was her day to go on a date with me. We had a great time. I am so emotionally sensitive here lately that I choked up seeing the flag of the United states of America. I choked up seeing the horses run as it reminds me of dad and Grandpa MOrris. I felt like he was there for a moment enjoying it with us. The memories of years of attending rodeo’s with family was overwhelming; a glorious wonderful feeling. We did see a clown get stepped on by a bull, twice the rider and a minute man fell off the recovery horse. It was a wonderful night. I just wish the other girls were with us. Oh and I gave James a bleacher seat for Father’s day and it was delightful; no back pain, sat up straight and so comfortable. We even enjoyed some fireworks off in the distance. I am thankful we were blessed to attend. Father has blessed us so much; going to the rodeo was an answer to prayers both mine and Nakiya’s sadly we could not answer Attira’s and Zendia’s as well; Jatae could care less. It’s officially official; I have a job and HR will call me later this week to get the rest of the process going. Hooray!! I had a moment where I cried telling James I am jealous that he now gets to

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spend more time with the girls then I do. James grinned and hugged me and told me I have had all their beginnings; I think he may be looking forward to being with them; at least I hope he is-he better enjoy being with them. July 24-Wednesday Happy pioneer day!!! We went to the parade this morning. It was a wonderful overcast day with a little sprinkles of rain; just a tease though no actual downpour. That helped out with the heat. I believe it was a glorious blessing from our Heavenly FAther for James who came not because he likes parades but for us and Father gave him shade and a cool breeze. If we treasure up the word of God we will not be deceived. We need to read our scriptures to remember Him daily. I want to always remember HIm and to do so I need my daily intake of scripture reading. REading scriptures helps me to remember Him. Please study your scriptures daily so that you to can always remember HIm. July 25-Thursday How can I learn to be more patient? SAT Seeking to do God’s will Accepting His timing Trusting He will fulfill His promises Job is such a great man. God gave him all that he had a large family and great wealth. Satan took it all away and Job still worships God. I want to have the love of God and Jesus that Job has. I want to still love God even if I lose all I have. Like going to work. I am losing some freedoms and time with my girls I will not curse God I will not curse Jesus and will continue in faith. “...the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.” Job 1:21-22 We were just reminiscing when Jatae yelled, “Who put my dress away in my drawer.” a forever funny ironic statement that will forever bring us great joy. Pioneers succeeded because They followed the prophet-it was organized by the prophet who speaks for God the Father and Jesus Christ They were unified They had a commitment to a common purpose They were willing to make personal sacrifices for the greater good They had Divine organization as set forth by the Lord: like traveling wards and branches and stakes Orderly Cooperation Discipline Spiritual and Temporal principles “Organized into companies with a covenant to keep all the statues and commandments of the LOrd.” and to “walk in all the ordinances of the Lord. If the Saints would share their goods with the poor, the widows, and the fatherless “with a pure heart, in all faithfulness,” the Lord Promised to bless them in their journey to “a land of peace” D&C 136:2, 4, 8, 11, 16. For trek I am having Nakiya read with me, Doctrine and Covenants 136 which is the revelation God gave to the Prophet Brigham Young for the Journey to Zion. I was turned to Walking with God in the topical guide in like verse 4. So I began to read all those verses and encouraged Nakiya to do likewise. As well as studying Zion in the topical guide as their purpose was Zion.

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They are all wonderful about God walking with us and us walking with Him through obedience to his commandments. I also like 2 Cor 6:16 “..for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in the; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.” Noah was considered “perfect” as he walked with God, JOb too was considered “perfect” and I just happened to read about both men today. I want to be perfect, I look forward to it. Cheetarah is in labor we believe as she wants to be right by me and wants to be petted and is nervous when we are not around. I have her in a box with towels and as I type Nakiya is petting her. She has little whimpers randomly, and or she will meow in pain. Her breathing is becoming more labored as well. You can feel the little kittens moving around inside her. Zendia was worried and asked me to pray with her. She told Father she is worried all her kittens will die and God told her that he takes life and gives it. She will be ok. How cool to think about walking with God as the youth go on trek; oh that would be amazing. I hope and pray that as Nakiya walks she will think about walking with God. Adam and Eve walked with God, Noah walked with God, Enoch and the entire city walked with God. God prospered them for walking with Him. Abraham and Isaac walked with God and he fed them. Exodus 16:4 The whole of life's test is to see if we will walk with Him and keep his law. Exodus 18:20 “And thou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, and shalt shew them the way wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do.” We are to walk in the ordinances of God. I wonder if this has reference to the temple as well. July 25-Thursday Cheetarah gave birth this night to four healthy beautiful kittens. She became very snuggly around 4:00 pm and did not want to be left alone. First we held her at the table until we had eaten then I moved to the couch where I held her on my lap and then we brought the box James brought home the other day. We placed the box on the couch and put her in it as the labor progressed. I sat by her petting her. She had the first one around 10:0 and the other three before midnight. The last kitten was born just after midnight on the 26. The girls and I were blessed to watch the whole thing. Cheetarah was pressing her paw into my hand at one point for the first one; I got stabbed with her claw once and then I moved her paw just so it would be less painful for me. She did amazing and got them all cleaned up. She woke me about 4:00; she seemed a bit confused as to what she was supposed to do. I thought maybe she needed food because that is usually the problem but not tonight. I put her in the box and she was trying to feed them. They were all a bit confused. Cheetarah would not stay with them if I left so I lay on the floor and spent the night with her with my hand over the edge of the box on Cheetarah. The next day she would come get me meowing to feed each time. She would not get in the box so I would have to lift her in. It was sweet and kind of trying when I was trying to help the girls clean up their room. Mike brought us his dog Hix to watch while Roxanne and Gabe are away. Cheetarah took after him once and then we kept him on a leash with the girls at the computer and Cheetarah with Nakiya and I on the couch. July 27-Saturday Today as a family we served our new neighbor Cassidy by cutting down one of her trees. That tired me out so much that we took it to the dump and rested. I napped for like 2 hours or more; that is how tired I am and I was barely able to wake up but I needed a shower. We got some dog food for Hix as Mike did not bring us any. He is struggling financially way more than we are and I have a job soon so there is light for us. On top of his struggles he has medical bills for both Roxanne and Gabe. I misunderstood thinking Mike was going out of town to work but he is not. I wonder if he wants us to keep him and if that’s the case we will but we will get him fixed. If I had money I would

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fix him for Mike. Hix is a sweet dog and likes his kennel. He is so gentle with the girls that even Zendia can pick him up. Zendia and Attira have owned him for sure and he is nicer to them then Titan. I began to read the other night when Cheetarah gave birth Journey to Zion Voices from the Mormon Trail. The book was gathered and put together to celebrate the bi-centennial in 1997, the year I graduated from HIgh school. It was so good I wanted to get my own and mark it up so I stopped reading and ordered one with James $10 gift card from Amazon he earned for good work skills and gifted to me. I did not realize it before and learned through reading this book that Doctrine and Covenants 136 was the revelation given to Brigham Young concerning how to lead the journey to Zion. That lead me to read WAlking with God in the Topical guide; I would love to share with those going on trek next year. If not I will share it with our family and make walking with God our new theme. Ok so I did write that but I am going to leave it hear a second time anyway that way you know how important it is for you as well!!! Walk in my judgments keep my ordinances and do them Walk in my statutes(law) Shall be our covenant that we will walk in all the ordinances of God D&C 136:4-I just think that so amazing how those early pioneers covenanted to walk in all the ordinances (authoritative order) of God. Take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law Love the Lord your God Walk in all his ways Keep His commandments Cleave unto Him Serve Him with all your heart and soul Fear Him-divine awe of glory Bury your weapons of war REMEMBER Obey His voice Honor Him Feed His people Build Him a house Shall be my people and I will be your God (a superhuman as having power over nature and humans) I will walk among you We are the temple of the living God I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Ye may live It may be well with you Ye may prolong your days in the land which ye shall possess Increase The Lord walketh in our midst of our camp, to deliver us, and to give up thine enemies before us Make us holy He will honor us

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Hosea 11:10 “They shall walk after the Lord: he shall roar like a lion:..” I just thought that was super cool as I love lions, tigers, and all big cats well and little ones for that matter. July 28-Sunday We had family scripture studies but Jame was too busy yelling at jatae and Kiya was trying to be funny. Needless to say the study was for me personally. President Monson taught me, “When we are on the Lord’s errand we are entitled to the Lord’s help.” I am going to need his help as I begin to work full time. I need his help to know the needs of my brothers and sisters. I will need his help to stay awake. We will need his help as a family to make the appropriate adjustments and to make time quality time together. We need Him to help us go forward with faith. I was also taught that I am not entitled to smooth sailing. As all the prophets of old can testify bad things happen to those who share the gospel. Bad things happened to Paul as he fulfilled his errand of the Lord. Jesus will stand by me. Jesus will walk with me. Jesus will be with me always. I am accepting his call to go and serve the youth of our community so I am entitled to his help. He will be with me always. James and I studied how to improve our marriage and went over how our communication reflects what is in our heart. He has made a goal to compliment us daily. I will probably need to help him out and remind him. James admitted he is too prideful to turn fully to Jesus right now; but was very pleased he could admit that. James admitted his chest feels heavy and he talks to us like he does not like us when He truly does. It has taken humility for both of us to keep our marriage together. It takes a contrite heart in both of us to keep us together and strong. James tells me my communication is trusting of “everyone” even when he believes I should not. James tells me I communicate love except when I yell; which is followed up with love. James admits his communication reflects other things. So he tells me he really does love us so he will try to be better. James did report he has gotten away from his gambling game. I have invited him to find something that will build and is of good report to fill his void and not another addiction. I learned today that my brother Damon has a thinking error that mom and dad love me more than him; I now know to pray for him to come and see the truth that he is loved and cared for . He is a good man and I pray he can see that. I also pray he can stop resenting me for thinking I am the favorite. I mean we joke about it between Stetson Resha Trina and I but it’s all in fun. We know that mom and dad love us all. God has answered my prayers in that Mike has come around more and our relationship is growing; it’s amazing. That began with faith in Jesus and a simple prayer of what I knew Mike was struggling with. NOw I have more specifics. Before I was commanded to pray but I did not know what to pray for so I just talked. The Holy Ghost has opened the way and allowed me to see what to pray for. So cool if you ask me. I am sitting next to Cheetarah as she does not like to be alone and want to be with her kittens. She is such a sweet mom. She is happier when I am with her. So I discovered I had lost my 2013 Journal; I am not sure how but I cannot find it at this time. I accepted it as a loss thinking I cannot get it back. I woke this morning realizing that was the year Zendia was born so there was much I could salvage and believed I needed to for her and her children. So I have written today as part of our family history as much as I could remember from 2013 and pray you will appreciate it. July 29-Monday The Eye of FAith by Elder neil L Anderson: Satan’s arguments are always the same. He works to distract us from our goal, counterfeit, opposition... You cannot know the things you cannot see

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God is not blessing you but we proper of our own skills It is not reasonable that Christ should come What you believe is a foolish tradition and a derangement of your mind Our mortal quest is to… Strengthen our faith in Jesus christ Choose good over evil Keep His commandments “You and I are not an accident of nature.” I don't’ know what that seems so profound today but it does. I am not an accident, you are not an accident, no one is an accident of nature. God has a plan for us all. We need faith patience and diligence. Many have walked away and many more will walk away form the Lord’s standards, from his sacred protection from His law’s. If we are to remain and earn our exaltation we are to walk with Jesus forever more. Focus on what you do have and how you can serve others!!! Jesus willl…... Understand He knows He will bless you and lift your burdens too heavy to bear alone He will give you eternal friends and opportunities to serve He will fill you with the powerful Spirit of the Holy ghost and shine His heavenly approval upon you “No choice, no alternative that denies the companionship of the Holy Ghost or the blessings of eternity is worthy of our consideration.” Jesus is the source of all truth and light. He will fulfill His promises. A prophet is to help us with questions we have. I find if fascinating that as I have begun to study the topic of Walking with God I am noticing so many other references to walking with God or walking away from him. We may find middle ground sometimes but that is temporary; eventually we will choose to walk closer or farther away. It all depends on where you want to walk to. Audra has been in town and I avoid her cause I seem to stir up anger inside her. But I felt impressed to go visit so I did. We had a delightful visit. She talked about how she hates dating but she wants a companion with whom she can talk and be friends with. She is finding that difficult. Veronica talked about her dating and how she is “trying”. She is only 15 so she has time. It was a miracle a real blessing from heaven to have spent a couple hours listening and talking with them. I now know what to pray for; Audra needs a man who is kind, funny, and ready for an intimate friendship and not just physical lustfulness. That is my prayer for her. I pray to our siblings can repent and forgive each other. We truly could be a strong loving family if we were not so busy competing with each other. Family is not a competition! Life is not a competition with others! God and Jesus are not going to ask if we did better than others. They will ask if we better ourselves and lifted others. Audra shared she is grateful to not be a part of “family drama”, and how Britta or Angie will call and she is grateful not to be here. And I am confused because Damon and Britta don’t come around and Angies stupid complaining is there is not enough food. Damon there are no favorites and it’s time to grow up or maybe grow wiser and younger as children we all got along. It is the pattern in 4 Nephi of pride creeping in and thinking things need to be one way when it is does not work that way. Then we put ourselves or others in classes and there is hatred. My siblings are a classic case of this and it’s hurting all of us.

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Me, Resha, Trina, and Stetson don’t all think alike; we don’t parent alike; we don't decorate alike-well Resha and Stetson actually do but that does not matter. The point is we all get along because we are humble sort of. WE love each other for sure and we don’t allow our pride to blind us to what is important and that is our team. Oh how I pray my older siblings can get that. I am still grateful I was blessed to be with Audra and Britta today. I am thankful to Jesus Christ for answering my prayers. I am thankful to God for helping me grow a relationship with Mike; he has called me twice today, once just cause he was bored and once to complain. I don't care the reason I am grateful to talk with him And my sisters’. July 30-Tuesday We got all the branches cut from our front tree last year all cleaned up and taken to the dump; it feels good to have it all clean. Now we have a place to cut wood for the fireplace this winter. Elder Ronald A Rasband Build a Fortress of Spirituality and Protection. “...remember, our homes are only as powerful as the spiritual strength of each one of us within the walls.” President Nelson has taught, “In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.” The enemy is advancing and the Prophet sees them advancing. What are some ways we can fortify ourselves in troubled times, that we may be “instruments in the hands of God to bring about this great work”? Seek scriptures and obey them. Obedience to the will of God. What wilt thou have me to today? WE are to be obedient with “holiness of heart” Trust the Lord. “BE strong and of…. good courage: be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” WE will trust Him; he keeps his promises. We stand for Truth!!! Stand for Jesus, Walk with Jesus for He is coming and we must be prepared. “We make and renew our covenants by partaking of the sacrament and by worshipping in the temple.” How to fortify our homes with spiritual protection We are obedient We trust the Lord We stand for truth (which is in Jesus) We make and renew our covenants (sacrament and temple) Sacrament Covenant to take HIs name upon us Always have His Spirit to be with us Temple Leave the world Feel the Lord’s presence and His transcendent peace Focus on our ancestors and our families Focus on eternal life in the presence of the Father. We must have integrity in all that we do Develop discernment and discipline Take to heart the words of Peter to “be sober, be vigilant…” “As we diligently strengthen our fortifications, we become like Jesus Christ, as His true disciples, with our very souls in His protection.” “Your testimony of Jesus Christ is your personal fortress, the security for your soul.”

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“When we live the gospel of Jesus Christ, when we draw upon the Savior’s Atonement and press forward with faith, not fear, we are fortified against the wiles of the adversary. Our testimonies connect us to the heavens, and we are blessed with “the truth of all things.” And, like pioneers protected by a fortress, we are safely encircled in the arms of the Savior's love.” Be… Honest in heart Upright Pure Compassionate Charitable Love the Lord our God with all you heart, might mind and strength Be a true disciple of Jesus Christ We need to protect our family and make our home and our hearts a fortress of spiritual protection. Not too long ago God told me to put our home in order. We needed this order in order for me to go to work and for the girls to have a strong foundation. I used to study and could not wait to share with our ward family; now I study and I look forward to sharing with the girls. This is the most important work I can do. I pray I don't stop just because I am helping others. This is my mission call and I accept; I pray we can make the appropriate adjustments. July 31-Wednesday Well I begin work on Monday afternoon. I have been keeping myself busy as to not nap anymore at noon; that has been a challenge but one that I have been able to overcome. I have been napping for 13 years now and now I have to work. I am feeling jealous that James gets more time than I will with the girls but I know it’s for the best for all of us. We will have to make good of our time together in the mornings and the hour we will have at night and the weekends. I do get off around 5 on Friday’s so that will be fun too. I told then about my cruise and they were more worried about me not getting paid than I was; they don’t know that i have never been paid to take vacations or holidays so this is something totally new for me. August 1-Thursday I have been getting to bed sooner so I was awake at 6:00. I finally decided to get up and walk Sadie and Hix’s as it was cool and nice and what better way to serve us all. The girls woke when, ok to be honest I woke them up when we arrived home. We did our family scripture studies. We talked about how Paul and even Joseph shared their visions in different accounts. It’s human nature to change a story or add a memory hear that you forgot the previous or you cater it to your audience. We talked about how some discredit Joseph Smith because his accounts are not 100% the same; which is just thinking errors to the fullest expecting a human to be exact every time. Just cause they are different does not make it less true. Your Priesthood Playbook, by Elder Gary L Stevenson. Wow I needed this. “So, do you feel weak? Insignificant?” yes and yes. “Congratulations, you just made the lineup!” Oh that one hit home and then more came. “Do you feel unimportant? Inferior?” Yes, I am not any more important than anyone else and felt this as I went through interviews and they wanted to know why I was the better choice; honestly I don’t think I am better at all. Inferior? Yes, again; man this is going well isn’t it and then this line. “You may be just what God needs.” and to think I was not going to read this talk as it was for the priesthood brethren. “Know that the Lord will be with you as you summon your

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courage to be on His side. “If God be for us, who can be against us?” He can open doors and help us find strengths and abilities we never knew we had.” again I needed this. The girls found some chalk and have decorated our porch out front. It’s bright! God blessed us to find Deborah Shaeffer who will watch Zendia for an hour and get her to school five days out of the month; she is a miracle and a lovely ministering sister. Attira lost it again and is working on getting her feelings back in check; again she lashed out at Jatae slipping into old behaviors and again we remembered that I am called of God and he will be with us. He will strengthen her and I; I need His strength to work all day. She needs Him to help her not miss me so much. “Know in advance the plays you will employ to strengthen your spirit and avoid the snares of the adversary.” it is really good to know beforehand what you will say in the face of temptation or snares. August 4-Sunday My chromebook would not start. I am not sure why but it seems to be dead. I start my new job tomorrow and I cannot wait til the end of tomorrow. James gave me a blessing today and God promised I would have the energy I need to complete the work. I have been given a gift and as I work i will be able to improve my gift and help more than just my clients. I may be able to help friends and family. God knows the transition I am making as I move from motherhood to working. The girls are excited to get paid for their work and to be a bit more self-reliant. Jatae was worried we were going to pay them too much; what a dear. Church was good. We discussed some of the principles we discussed this week as a family. Sunday has changed as far as class goes. As we study during the week Sunday school class is more like a communication of what we learned and what others learned. It’s not the meat anymore. There is a greater focus on the sacrament and I feel energized to learn more during the week. I don’t know if that makes sense. Cheetarah is bringing the kittens out and then back to the room. We are not sure what she is doing with them. She has brought three out and then back in. Or the same kitten out and then in the room again. Sadly, she cannot quite get her mouth on them right. We read she may not like us holding them as often. Strangely, she brought Lion-O out just now went round the room, up on the couch by Jatae and then back to the room. We are enjoying the kittens and their eyes are opening up. Mike took Hix’s home; I was sad to see that cute little dog leave. Yes, Mike named his dog after Grandpa Morris’ nickname. James helped me get my Utah county emails completed and I uploaded a photo of me. Nakiya and Attira worked together to make dessert; it was delicious. Jatae thought to fast for a friend of hers and I did too so we fasted for him together. Zendia brings lots of laughter. She told us she learned about Paul today and how Jesus loves us and Satan tries to stop us; she is so cute. James and I worked on improving our communication; I like studying with just he and I. It has improved our marriage. Even though we have a really great marriage it has helped us to make it even better. And James has been so wonderful to admit where he has struggled. It truly is a great blessing. I am thankful to Father for it all. August 18-sunday I apologize to you and myself as my chrome book died and I don’t get myself back in this computer much. I began a new jog with Grandview Youth treatment. I have been in trainings for two weeks. I was first trained in treatment plans and the ASAM categories; then is was Motivational interviewing and then the 7 Challenges. I have spent another week on 7 Challenges and each Friday we have a training on MI. I did get to go to Slate Canyon detention in Provo for groups with Ken McGee; my

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new coworker. Jordan Gray is my supervisor; they are both amazing at what they do and funny; I am enjoying it. I thought kathy wanted to make “amends” but she just wants me to apologize for being me and causing her stress. She probably did not appreciate that I responded with “I forgive you and if you want to apologize; you can come to my home.” Yah she has no intention of apologizing. James gave me a blessing before the girls went to school; since I am the mom and father told me to remember her and the situation as a warning. I am sad that I may be just as evil as her and pray I will not. I have felt heavy believing I might have the same potential to sin-blaming and cursing someone and then have the audacity to claim it was in the name of God. I have prayed and prayed Jesus won’t let me fall like her. That I will never treat anyone the way she does. That I will not be so blind to my bad behaviors; that I can see myself as God does and be like Him. I went to the temple too; I don’t want to fall. I want to stay focused on Jesus that I work in His name; truly work not say it. That is the thing; Kathy honestly believes her evil is of God; what if I am doing the same? What if I become blind and think I am being so good; she really liked to brag about how good she was; when I really am not? I hope I am being true to Christ. That I look to Christ, that I serve in His name. Working in a government job I know I cannot be overbearing with Christ but I wanted a way to remember Him and that it is His work I am doing and He will be with me. The Holy Ghost brought to my remembrance my rock I painted a while back. It has four hearts; one within the other with red, then yellow, with white surrounding the innermost blue heart. I painted the white with a line pulling up through the yellow and red. I told mom and the girls it was God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the white is the Holy Ghost pulling me to Christ and Father. And it’s a rock and the wiseman built his house/heart upon a rock and when the rains/trials/sucky things came the rock stood still. This I will have on my desk to keep me riveted on our Savior Jesus Christ. This will help me remember it is not about me but about them and setting an example of Christ. The blessed part is that when I arrive home at 8:30 the girls and I have jumped on the tramp with the sprinkler, played kickball with dad, jumped without water, played games, and received blessings; in our attempt to make those 30 minutes really count. James gave blessings to Nakiya and Jatae. Jatae was told she is to look to me and that I have the keys to her success; He expects great things of her; she has the gift to love and was encouraged to build charity. She will do well in school and make good friends. She was encouraged to be slow to anger and even though it’s hard to let mom and dad influence her she was encouraged to look to my example and listen to us as we have been there before. Nakiya was told to be brave; that this year will make her future or something like that. She is to look to those and empathize with others emotions; she is to let her light shines as she is witty and funny (she love that part). She was encouraged to study her scriptures more earnestly, and to reach out to her parents, family, or her friends for support; she is to follow the Spirit. James gave me one as well. Telling me I will know the role I play in the girls life; as it is changing. I have set a good example. I am to use kathy as warning. SAdly, I have thought so much about that I missed it. Attira and Zendia received blessing when I went to work; wait so did Nakiya and Jatae as they were fighting. Anyways, some of the stuff above came from the two blessings. Attira was told this was a special year for her, to be slow to anger, and to be kind; she is to manage her fire part of her. Zendia will have friends in her class as she already has two: Charlie from across the street And Shaylies brother Ty. James will give them their beginning of school blessings tonight. The ones when I started were to help them adjust and work together when James and I are not there. We have four kittens who the girls’ are enjoying. Cheetarah finally got tired of Kloe’s bullying and attacked her. Sadie likes to lick the kittens and mother them; Cheetarah seems to know her need to

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mother and wants SAdie to know the kittens are hers so she will meow and nuzzle Sadie to let her know to keep a safe distance that Cheetarah sets. Yesterday we had a sisters’ lunch. We went to lunch with Britta, Angie, Debi, Trina, and mother. It was so enjoyable. Mom really likes the salad at Pizza factory so we went there. I think this should be a regular thing, not monthly, but more than once a year. It was a small piece of heaven to be with family and my sister and mother. I thank God for a great family and wonderful sisters!!! August 26-Monday I have made it another week. Today was Zendia’s first day of school. She has had a roller coaster of emotions; she’s been excited and overly naughty. James got to take her and said she looked a little nervous but she did well. She told me she looked for the gingerbread man who wrote them a letter and found him in the gym and that she had a cookie with chocolate on it. We continue to study our scriptures as a family each morning. We play for 30 minutes when I get home. I call during lunch and talk to them to stay connected and send text to keep up with them. I call the moment I leave work and put the girls on speaker so I get an extra 30 minutes just by phone. James hung up so I could “drive safe” but then I was lonely so I called the girls phone and gave Zendia the play by play as I came home. The girls and I are adjusting well; James on the other hand has slipped into some bad behaviors of spending money til we are broke, yelling and blaming the kids for stuff he does, and accusing them of his bad behavior or in other words accusing them of behaving poorly because he does. He and I had a heart to heart honesty chat and some ugly truths came out; more came out tonight. We are praying James can see his weaknesses, turn to the LOrd and repent. Funny word repent as the scripture I opened today said, “Repent ye, repent ye..” and hurt my servants no more; something like that in Helaman. It’s a good think I like My James or he would be toast. And it’s a blessing Father has provided a way to forgive him through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Love you forever and always. We visited with mom and dad yesterday; that’s always a good time. We played football together on Saturday; James needs a male league as he does not play well or nice with us girls. The last straw that finally opened his eyes was that he stepped on my ankle to bat down the ball so that I could not catch it. That was probably cool in school when he played not so cool with me; I cried and told him I was afraid to play with him so he promised to be gentle. He needs boys to play with. I thank Father for being with us even when life is hard. I thank father for telling me things would be hard and then he stayed and suffered with me. I thank father for Jesus and all he has given me. I thank Father for telling me he is now going to deliver me; that the day of my deliverance is nigh. I am thankful to know Jesus loves me, Jesus is there for me, Jesus understands me, Jesus will deliver me. September 4-Wednesday I don’t write as much without my laptop; so sad. So Linda Bridges is dying. She stopped eating on Friday and so we went to see her and dad on Sunday. I asked James if he wanted to go down on Saturday but he said no, “I want to go down when we have more time.” then we get a text from Dad on Sunday saying mom is worse. So we go to church to take the sacrament and we leave to pack. We were in St. George by 6ish. Linda is not coherent and did not recognize me; she did James. She was mumbling all sorts of things and liked talking. I listened and listened using MI on her bablings. I remembered a paper I did on music and the dying and how playing music they like can bring comfort and how music is the last thing those with dementia will remember. I began with church songs as that is what I know and Linda’s face scrunched up like she was in pain. Later she asked to sing the theme song to Cheers; she did not ask specifically for it but said the words and I sang it.

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This time she joined in with her attempts to sing; she could not remember all the words but she remembered the tune. She said some funny things and she and I both laughed. She was trying to punch dad Bridges and me. I teased her about being a fighter and she loved that!! She also said something mean and I teased her that it was not nice; she responded, “Well, let me tell you something; if I did not mean it I would not say it.” I will admit I have really enjoyed her with dementia. I enjoyed a good long time with her in her room just holding her hand and listening to her incoherent speech. We had a nice visit with Dad. Hospice came in and reported they would come daily as she was in her last days. They just want to keep her comfortable at this point. Linda kept trying to get out of bed to go somewhere so they brought in a hospital bed with bars on the side so she won’t fall; again. James and dad had to put her back once as she fell onto the floor and I stopped her another time before she completely fell and then waited for dad to get her legs back on the bed. I even helped dad change her. Mark was coming last night so we felt better about leaving dad alone. Dad did not want to accept Linda is going and shed some tears when the Hospice woman told him she was done. Dad asked James to give Linda a blessing and father told her her children love her and that her time was short. Her body will know what to do to shut down. Hospice is giving her a week or two. She is not eating and only drinking a little bit. Dad Bridges was trying to get her meds in her and the Hospice sister told him to stop; she was very kind. Mark is there for the rest of the week. Garrett and Dave are going this weekend. James is going to give Garrett a heads up to help watch Dave’s kids or maybe we don't need to and they will be surprised with them all. So we have a week or two. James started to blame himself for being a bad son. I let him for a day, felt like he needed a day to repent. But this morning my dreams helped me figure out how mad I was and I woke him just before I left to do some CBT. I asked him what evidence he had that he was a bad son? He had only one that he pushed her after she slapped him. I don't see this as being a bad son. I told him we were not going there again not in this house. I then asked for evidence that he has been a good son. We pray for her, we visit often, we are honest about who she has become, we call weekly, we respect her as his mother even if we don’t like her behavior or how we feel around her we still love her and treat her nice and we forgive her often. That is a lot of evidence that he is a good son. I mentioned that Garrett talks nice about mom Bridges but we are the ones who call and visit; our behavior speaks volumes. I could tell he felt better after that. Nakiya was doing the same and feeling guilty for not having a relationship with her. I told her on the phone she is not to blame for linda’s behavior and lack of relationship. We did our part. So you see as the protective mother I was angry for Linday continuing to hurt my family and we stopped it. Now I just need to let Zendia know Grandpa is not alone now for a time as his sons are coming to visit. I am working daily now and loving it. I love what I do. When I arrive home we have 30 minutes to play and we make the best. We were playing outside but it is too dark now so we play board games. Last night we did emotional intelligence as the emotions were flying wrong. Today we took care of the rest of James emotions as they were the brunt of feeding the girls. We are good now and I am no longer angry with Linda and her evil influence. We pray she goes peacefully. We are thankful we chose to go down over Sunday and Monday even if it was short. It was enough to show our love, support dad, and say our goodbyes. And it was super fun to listen to Linda. She did tell me not to tell anyone what was said in that room. She also said things like, ‘It’s time for this old girl to go home…. You deserve to go home…” and “I will go home in a couple of weeks.” With this Garrett texted James to ask how we were he also asked if we could meet at a central location and make amends. I was filled with dread as James as a tendency to talk the talk of

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supporting me and then leaving me and playing the victimized little brother but I will give him a chance to redeem himself and Garrett a chance. September 9-Monday The family came over yesterday to celebrate Zendia’s birthday. We had a lovely visit. I was blessed to watch President Nelson’s 95th birthday celebration with mom and dad. Amelia Anderson came over with her son because he wanted to give Zendia a gift. It was a lovely day. James was grumpy and the Holy Ghost would later inform me he felt bad for being left out as he had to work. I was afraid that if we waited mom Bridges may pass and we would have a funeral. We have been informed it won’t be this weekend as Alex Hart is getting married; one of Garrett's step-sons. The girls are struggling today. Nakiya is feeling jealous, Jatae is feeling sluggish with her cycle, Attira is trying to boss everyone and missing me and Zendia is happy and misses me too. I miss then too and know this is where God wants me to be. I have the board on Wednesday; Zendia’s birthday and feel calm and cannot wait for it to be over. I think I have everything ready; let us pray. Oh the up side is that Nakiya and Jatae and I went to the temple on Saturday and did baptisms for the dead; that is always a blessing. I read that God will answer my prayers. September 20-Friday It is not a habit to get on the family computer to type and I don’t have my chromebook so I am feeling like I am neglecting my journaling. I miss it. Anyway. Let us begin with the happy news. Zendia turned 6 on the 11; we had a family dinner on the Sunday before her birthday. Mom and dad came along with Resha, Danny, Jayda, Deklen, Sienna, and Ireland; Stetson, Debi, Treygan, Daxton, Zayden, and Aria. we had a great time being together. James was sad he had to go to work just before we ate. Zendia wanted pizza so we got in the day before and had it in the fridge. Mother Linda Lee Bridges passed on the 10 of September in her sleep. Dad Bridges called me as James was asleep and did not pick up. I cried and told James his mother was gone. He did not really get it until I brought the girls home from school and we all cried together. He had a difficult time of it feeling like he was the bad son, feeling like she did not deserve the tears he was shedding, and then feeling sad he would never see her again in this life. It was a rough time and I had to work so there was nothing I could do from afar. The girls returned to school for the rest of the week and we left for St. George on Friday when I arrived home from working. James had a couple of days of throwing missiles at me as I felt relieved she was gone. I don't have to protect my family from her lies and strangeness anymore; that made him angry with me and he was just a mess anyway. I had a good talk with my supervisor at work and then took his advice telling James i was not his battering ram for his confused emotional state. I cannot change the way I feel; nor do I want to. Linda Lee was always in her room anyway and when she ventured out it was uncomfortable as she was trying to be something that she was not. She had the ability to love but she forgot it’s more than just a word, it's more than just a feeling in your heart; it’s work, it’s action, it’s time. Linda forgot that and thought she could say it without showing it. Well we did not get the memo. James has felt more distain in the past 15 years than any other emotion and now that she was gone he was confused at what he was feeling. Hence the above stuff. We had a good talk about how he was feeling. We went over why is was a good son and not responsible for her neglect. We went over how his sorrow was not about her it was about him missing the mother he held onto hope for and who would never come to pass. At least he was nice to me again. I don't like to be his target. We arrived in St. George about 9ish and went straight to Dad Bridges home to see him and Karen and Joe. For the first time I felt the anxiety come like it usually did and then it left because I didn't

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have to put on a my protectiveness. She is not there to lie and neglect us and then want recognition for loving us so much. I don’t have to protect them from her television shows or the weird things she says to them. I felt pure relief; hate me for it if you must I won’t feel bad because it feels so good to be relieved. We had a great visit with everyone. All the Bridges kids were together for one night and the last time that happened was about 20-30 years ago. Dean, Mark, Garrett, Dave, James, and Karen along with their spouses were there for one night only and for the funeral. It was a treat to hear them reminisce. There is a recurring theme of children escaping and mother not knowing where they were and them being found by old ladies or neighbors. Oh what pure joy. We had rented a home with Mark and Stephanie so we had all the family over for stakes provided by dad and Stephanie did the rest. Karen and I went shopping to get her a shirt that was not a sweater so she would not get heat stroke. We found her the cutest shirt and she was not going to try it on at first so I grabbed it on a hunch and said we have nothing to lose. She got that one and at 60% off. I found some adorably uncomfortable shoes for our cruise and will be practicing so I don't fall and break my ankle. I even put on my big girl pants and went with Karen to dress mother Bridges with her temple clothes. I wanted to run a way but I prayed for the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ to help me and he did. We cried and then we went to work . It was a spiritual moment a last service to Linda Lee Bridges. She was cold and stiff and we got her all dressed. I told mother, my mother Linda Morris I will now be able to provide that same service for her. The funeral was nice and we got to see family like Uncle Lannie and his son Darin, Aunt Bonnie and her daughter Trudy. Oh I just love family Aunt Joan’s kids were there but she is not well and not allowed to travel. She had pneumonia recently and is just out of the hospital. Dean, Mark, Garrett, and Stephanie spoke at the meeting. All mentioned how mother loved so well without any evidence to support it so it was as shallow as the words mother Bridges often spoke herself. On the upside they did not lie and stuck with the safety of pure doctrine. They spoke of the plan of salvation, faith, baptism, repentance and the gift of the Holy Ghost. There was on memory of mother LInda Lee beating a moose with a broom as it was eating her prized tulips; the moose one and mother gave up. She was a fighter that one. Doctrine and Covenants 138 was also read or at least parts of it. So the truth of the doctrine of christ was fitting and needed. James was blessed to pray for the family just before they closed the casket and he prayed for the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ to heal the family. I was so pleased he said that, I have taught him well-wink wink. I gave the benediction and offered similar words and added that we would know how to help dad Bridges that he won't feel alone and that we will remain connected so the distance of where we live won’t feel so distant. I was inspired by Zendia through the Holy Ghost as her biggest fear is that Grandpa will be alone and we don’t want that. I prayed we would be inspired when to call and how to help. Dave gave the dedicatory prayer and we then had lunch at the church. It was a long day and we all had like a 2 hour nap afterwards. The girls went swimming with Max and I sat and visited with Stephanie. We then returned to dad’s home to play cards into the night. Oh what joy to be with family. Zendia cried the next morning when I told her we had to leave; she likes being with family and will miss them. I told her she could face time more often and in that way we can stay connected. We came home on Wednesday and back to work on Thursday. Mom sent James a note letting him know his mother #2 loves him and she knows what it is like to lose parents and she still misses her’s. Mother lost her mother and father way before I was born so before she was 37. That is a long time to be without them. I am feeling pretty blessed I still have mine at 40. I am still confused with James feeling but at least the animosity is gone; it’s different but it’s nice; as long as he is not mad I feel relieved. I feel sad Dad Bridges is alone but I still feel relieved for me and our family.

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Dad asked me to speak and then asked me to pray. In the two days it took for him to change his mind I had formulated a good talk. First it would have begun with, we lived in heaven a short time ago, it is true. We lived there and loved there with people we knew; Mother was always saying she loved our girls before they were born, which is true. We did live in heaven and we were most likely close friends and looked forward to the day we could be born and be a family. I would not have said this but though it that it always felt uncomfortable when sh said it but it was no less true. I would have then said something about how Heavenly Father loves us all and cares for what we care for. I wanted to share how Linda loved to shop and I hated it; and shopping with her was the worst as she would not stop. I had told her I would never take her shopping again and she said it was not nice and dad Bridges complained he would have to take her and I responded he married her so that was on him. However, one year just before Thanksgiving with the Bridges the Holy Ghost whispered to me, “You will take your mother shopping.” and I was like “oh no I will not.” This went on for over two weeks maybe three. To be honest as the weeks went by my “I will not” began to soften and it became more of a “if I do there will be some boundaries.” So I was prepared when mother came to me and asked me to take her shopping at 11:00 pm into the morning of the day after Thanksgiving. I surprised us both when i said yes and laid down the boundaries that when I said it was time to go we would leave and if she did not come I would send dad after her. Mom agreed and when we left told me she was surprised I said yes to take her in the first place. God loves Linda and wanted her to be happy and shopping made her happy. God loves me and knew I wanted quality time with mom within boundaries. We had a great time shopping that year and when I said I was tired and done about 1 or 2 am she said ok. I know she could have stayed all night and further into the morning and she was kind enough to oblige me; it was a win win. Others mentioned mother liked to sing and she did. The last song we sang together was the theme song to Cheers; and she requested it. I did not really know it but knew this part and together we sang; Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where everybody knows your name; there is more but that is all could remember as I never really watched the show. Linday said something about her dad singing this song. She lit up and tried so hard to say the words; she couldn’t and mumbled but we sang together one last song as mother and daughter in-law. It will be a song I will forever cherish. I believe mother Linda truly wanted to go where everybody knew her name and they were always glad she came. Heaven is where she wanted to go, heaven where everyone, her mother, her brothers and other relatives knew her name and they were most glad she came. When we leave this life we go home to that God who gave us life; we go home to be with our families and those we loved in this life. I also would have shared how I have two Linda’s in my life; my mother and my mother in-law. I love books and both have attempted by give me books; for whatever reason neither Linda could seem to get the books I liked to read. I asked for books written by a prophet or general authority. Neither seemed to hear me and would get other “fun” books as my mother called them. When I received the books I would say thank you and then exchange it for books I enjoyed. My mother would tell me I was boring and rude and eventually gave up but not Linda Lee. The last book she gave me she handed to me with a look on her face; oooh I can still see but don’t have words to describe; she handed it to me and told me, “I wrote in this one so you cannot exchange it.” Luckily for both of us it was a great read I will look by who and the title when I get home. I don’t know if he is a general authority but Linda had finally given me a book about gospel principles and I loved it; I will cherish it forever. Mother’s last audible words were these: This old girls has had it. I think I deserve to go home. I think I will stay a couple more weeks and then I will go home. And my favorite; mother was fighting dad and I because we were keeping her in bed; she was pretending to punch at us. I commented that she was a fighter and she said she was and then added, “You know who is a fighter, that Zendia;

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she’s a fighter.” well Grandma Linda Lee you are right Zendia is a fighter. We are all fighters and those of us here are still fighting the battle between good and evil. We will need to continue to fight the good fight. To put on the armor of God and keep fighting for truth, righteousness, and for Christ. Satan will try to stop us but if we can look to Christ, hold to Christ and press forward with a steadfastness in Christ we will have a glorious reunion in the next life. To this I testify in the name of Jesus Christ amen!!! September 23-Monday Another glorious Monday. We had our usual scripture studies in the Come Follow Me; actually I felt impressed upon during Stake Conference that we needed to implement more talks from the conference edition of Esign. I thought that when I lead we will listen to and discuss a talk. Today we went over President Nelson’s We can do Better and Be Better. It was really inspiring as we would listen and stop the talk to discuss and then listen some more. We all need to think about what we can let go of to repent and come nearer to Christ. Like the messy home; we need to let go of our little distractions and clean to say we love you mom and dad. I am amazed with the things the girls share as we study. I have a strong testimony of the Come Follow Me program. Zendia listened to the Book of Mormon as she bathed; I studied El Libro De Mormon as she bathed and then together we made dinner in the crock pot. I get home late enough that it’s my lunch for tomorrow and dinner. I did have a small bowl to taste it and it was delicious. Zendia was so excited to tell her sisters that she helped me; and she was super helpful as we put it together. I have a goal to compliment more and correct less. We were told to do so by our visiting general authority. So I am looking to catch the family doing good; even James. I feel it’s a great goal. We played UNO and talked when I arrived home tonight. I love sitting around the table talking and playing. Nakiya was able to work through some of her stressors; Jatae shared how she is improving in school and doing well; Attira shared how she helped a friend and another does not want to be her friend anymore. Oh what joy of hearing them talk to me. I am so grateful they do talk with us. James and the girls did clean our home today and he mowed the lawn as well. Father is blessing us tremendously. I feel His love and His peace. I am praying I just keep the faith and don’t get blinded by pride. He has done so much for me and lead me along to do so many good things. I don't want to go blind or spiritually deaf. May God be with us always!!! October 26-Saturday Without my chromebook I do not get on and type as much. October is almost gone and I have not shared a word. Friday the 11-We had to leave the kids at Resha’s as we were going to fly out in the early hours of the morning. Before leaving, we took the girls to ARby’s for dinner before leaving them. I was so sad to leave them and excited for our cruise. Saturday 12- we took Sadie’s to Trina’s and visited as we were early. We drove to Britta’s and got lost with all the new construction. Spent the day in the airport and reached Galveston Texas around 4 or 5ish in the evening. Audra, Veronica, Glenna and Tyler were already at the hotel. We had a great visit as we ate dinner at this dive of a restaurant but had the best shrimp ever; oh it was so good. Got an Uber with Britta Arnold and there friends Edna, Michael and their daughter Ariana and uncle JC; the rest did not want to eat with us. The Uber smelt of weed, that was fun. We tried to sleep that night but the fire alarm went off like every hour after midnight. The first time Britta and I thought it was a phone alarm; it was not. And the bed had lump that kept me close to James or I would have rolled out. We shared a room with Britta, Arnold and Tyler was on the fold out couch. Oh and the homes all appear to be built on stilts to allow the ebb and flow of the ocean and for flooding.

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Sunday 13- we went aboard our ship home The Liberty of the Seas. We did not set sail until after 5:00 waiting for all the passengers to get on. James and I toured the ship and watched a pod of dolphins. There was a baby too; oh it was so thrilling; I would have taken a photo but we were too high up and you would not have seen them. This was the high of the day as we could not attend church on the ship. We did some swimming, or more hot tubbing. Each night we had a fancy dinner in the dining hall at 8:00. It was a beautiful room with high ceilings and gorgeous chandeliers; it was like a three story castle inside this huge; and I mean huge ship. James and I did study the Come Follow me every day and this day we had a nap as we did not get much sleep the night before. At night James and I walked on the upper levels that were outside. It was so beautiful with the sea breeze and the ship lights in the distance. The father we went out to sea we could not see them. This night there were like 20+ lights of ships in the distance. Monday 14- Leilani married Isaiah today. James and I took Noni around the ship to find places for photos in the morning and to help her relax and feel secure that others would see her and think she was gorgeous and so blessed to be getting married. I had james stand next to her and practiced some views so we could take the photos fast after the wedding and return to play. The wedding was as beautiful as a civil marriage could be. They were married by the Captain who had a thick accent; it was funny when Isaiah could not understand him so he struggled to repeat the words of the marriage promise. After they wed we went around with Isaiah and took photos and just like we thought everyone thought Leilani was beautiful and were thrilled for her offering many congratulations. Arnold sanga painful rendition of the song Roxanne; I heard he sang that every morning to wake his kids. It was funny and painful to the ears. We did some good eating and some great dancing. I was thrilled I got James out with me for more than one song and then I had a delightful time dancing with Britta and Audra and Veronica and Noni and others. We watched Pets 2 on a jumbo screen while we swam and then later that night we watched Aladdin on the jumbo screen as we sat on lawn chairs by the pool under the night sky. By this time I was missing the girls so much watching their favorite movie helped me feel close to them. Tuesday 15- We ported at Cozumel Mexico. Our party all wanted to drink so they went inside the Frog something and ordered the largest alcohol bottles I have seen in my life. James and I went shopping for christmas gifts for the girls. I also took a dip in the salty ocean to cool off. James stood guard as he was on high alert with the cartell or police; they are the same in mexico; standing guard. We found a gift for Nakiya here. Once the gang was sufficiently drunk we walked out of the compound. We did have some great dance time as we walked through the compound trying to find one another as we all got separated for a short time. We walked through Mexico to a small restaurant that would allow us to swim for free if we bought food; they were willing to just let us swim but we needed food anyway. The water was delicious to the skin and nasty to the lips; extremely salty. Floating is easier when it’s salty. Leilani stepped on a sea urchin right after getting in the water so she was flooded with hot searing pain or so I hear. She called for me to help her as she stumbled and her friend took off. I almost took off thinking she just drunk she’ll be fine; but really drunk and swimming is dangerous but I didn't think of that. Anyway, I heard that still small voice tell me to turn back and by then she is looking like she is going to cry and telling me “Maloa, it really hurts.” I am so confused I inquire as to what is hurting and she lifts up her foot and it’s covered in what looks like black slivers and then I know she has stepped on something but I don't know what. I am leading her back to the stairs that lead to the water; and we can touch but I know I cannot get her up the stairs on my own. Audra like an angel comes out of nowhere or at least I did not see her until she was on the other side of Noni and we carry her out of the water. Noni is super strong and yet the pain was getting worse. Audra pulled a couple spines out that were not all the way in and she begins to bleed a little. The natives tell us what it is and that she needs to put her foot in nearly boiling water to stop the pain. So the store owner gets her water and she is trying to put her already

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pained foot in the nearly boiling water. I am telling her to go ahead and cry and breathe with me so she won’t pass out. She is crying and telling me what a great counselor I am; she is so cute. Isaiah come over and I am encouraging him to lead her in breathing and doing some grounding with her so she will focus on other touches and not the pain. I have her describe his touch on her thigh and have her breathe into her good foot. We then get some food in us all; just a side note that Mexican bottled coke is so good. Anyway, the poor dear eventually falls asleep and so we covered her with a wet skirt to keep her cool and shaded while we swim. I had to beg James to get it but he did. I remember coming out of the bathroom of the bar and seeing him and it hits me as to how on guard and stressed he is. So I hug him and have him breathe. At the restaurant we don’t have cartell watching but he is still on guard but he came in the water with me anyway. He does not really like water like I do. The water was so clear you could see the little bee looking fish swimming around us; oh what that so cool. And I was wrong it was tonight that we watched Aladdin. Wednesday 16- Today we toured the Grand Cayman Island. We had to take a small boat from the large ship to land. My favorite part was that I got to not only see sea turtles up close as we went to a green sea turtle reserve and I got to hold one. Oh my it was like Christmas for me holding the baby turtle. One got to slapping my hands with his flipper. Oh what joy. We finally got Noni into a wheelchair as well and she would enjoy that the rest of the trip. The reserve breeds the turtles and then releases them into the wild. So cool. We purchased Attira and Zendia’s Christmas present here. We learned that in the 70’s it was cool to have chickens as pets but then they learned chicken’s don’t make good pets so they let them all go and now the island has random chickens all over. We also swam in the ocean here. There was a group of fish which seemed to enjoy staying around James as they would follow him no matter where he went. He did not stay in long and then they went around others. I had some around me which was super cool and then one liked rammed my leg. The beach is supposed to be free but people have beach chairs that line the beach and they try to charge you $20 per chair. We found a gazebo thing that was free. Oh yah, I just remembered how James and I did not want to spend $100+ for a drink card so James purchased some Crush and put it in his luggage while in Galveston; he made it last all week; I was so proud of his solution finding skills. We did get up early every morning to go to the gym. I would walk on the treadmill and watch the beautiful sun rise. Audra spent this morning sharing her pain regarding her perception of mother. I don’t know this mother of hers but I know her pain is very real and very deep and very intensely sad. Oh and the best part was that Arnold could see how much I missed my girls; brought tears to my eyes; so he let me use his phone to call home; he has international calling. As we got back on the ship I called and I could not speak as I was so happy to hear Nakiya. When I got my name out she cried and we cried and then Zendia asked me, “Why are you and Nakiya crying?” Oh what joy filled my heart to hear each of them talk to me, Nakiya, Jatae, Attira, and Zendia. Oh how I missed them. I could barely speak through my weeping so great was my joy. Thursday 17- Today was our last stop; Jamaica. We did not leave the compound here as Britta and Arnold experience more fear in Jamaica and little Henry, their grandson Ashley’s son was sick. Arnold stayed with Henry so Ashley and John could tour. We purchased Jatae’s gift here and a sign for the living room that says One Love; yellow is for the sun, green for the scenery, black for the people and red for the blood and one love as we are all one people all brothers and sisters. AFter shopping we sat down in the shade and drank water as we talked with different groups of our party as they passed shopping.

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We talked about mom and dad and I tried to help them twist dad’s words to convey what he is saying in his heart and not with his mouth. Noni asked me and I turned her’s to good. He does love us he just does not seem to communicate well. It was peaceful and slow compared to the others days. We were back on the ship by 4 or 5. We would be turning and going home. We would enjoy a spectacular aerial and ice skating show throughout the voyage. I would get a bit sea sick the last night on sea as we ran next to a tropical storm and the ship was noticeably rocking. We would enjoy so much time just the two of us enjoying each others’ company. We would swim and eat ice cream cones, have lunch and take nightly walks under the stars together. We played miniature gold and rode some water slides. We would watch others in our group try knee boarding and yes all of this on the ship. It had a rock climbing wall we did not get too. It was a great trip and we were so tired with the three land excursions that we slept most of Friday and a bit of Saturday as we traveled back to Galvestin. We landed on sunday morning and debarked. We would wait outside for a couple of hours for our ride to the airport and then spend the day on two different planes and in between. Trina and Alan picked us up and took us to their home to get Sadie. Leilani would visit the insta care as she is allergic to certain lotions and sunscreen and isaiah touched her thigh and gave her a chemical burn. We arrived home after 9 to our four most wonderful ladies. We heard their stories and shared our own and then we went to bed. Monday I would work and we played games when i got home. Tuesday they went to the pinewood derby with James and his black car finally got beat. Wednesday I arrived home to an emotional train wreck from all five at home so we would do therapy. With me telling everyone what they are feeling and how to find solutions for it. It is easier with jatae but I can still nail the others insight as well. Yes even james was in need with his upcoming academy and he was feeling like a failure. Thursday I worked and was grumpy and we decorated for Christmas. Friday we went outside and had a fire. Saturday-today; we cleaned, we shopped, we ate, Oh and the best was we went to the temple with Kiya and Tae-tae. We ladies can now stand as witnesses; that was a blessed privilege. The house is clean. Oh and we had to clean carpet as Lion-O has been peeing on the floor and Sadie pooped on the floor. Our animals do not like us to leave. And Lion-O is super picky about his liter. We are trying scented to see if that helps. We were blessed to complete all we had to do. We prayed for the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ as we needed it today and we did it and I stayed awake. We talked to dad Bridges and he told us Aunt Bonnie’s back is bad so we called her. She was thrilled and thanked me over and over telling me she was so sad and just hearing my voice brighten her day; we are going to see her tomorrow. We talked with my mother. I caught Trina and Resha together hanging out without me so I called them; they were not really not for long and we saw them in Resha’s car pulling out of the Walmart parking. Nakiya had her date with us. James came with us to Winco; he went to the gym while we hit Costco and Walmart and the Dollar Store. I missed that I needed scratchers so we would go to the Dollar store again and actually find a whit shirt for Attira’s halloween costume and some gems for our faces and other fun things like colored gel pens for Christmas. We are so thankful for God’s hand in our lives and for all the blessings mentioned above. Father is so good to us and we love Him so dearly. I pray we can be worthy to see him again. October 28- Monday Well, it was a monday. James was not kind yesterday and that trickled into today. I don’t feel like writing about it as to keep from shaming him; suffice it to say the devil was in his heart and attacking me. We were not friends. On the up side it was so nice to be able to attend church with our ward family. James sat on the other side of the pew as to keep away from me; or I should say I was in no

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mood to sit by him; that tells how bad he treated me. The world was more important and I don’t take that well. We were filled with the spirit as we counseled together with our ward sisters. We were going to visit Aunt Bonnie as her back is hurting her and she is down. She asked for us to come another time as she wants to be able to visit. We were all sad not to go. So we took naps while the girls watched Trek the movie. We got family scriptures studies in and then watched the Book of Mormon videos we missed while on cruise. Today we all worked and went to school. Zendia and I walked with Nakiya and jatae to school. Zendia rolled down the hill in the snow; yes we had snow pants on we can we are old and young and care more about being warm. We then walked Attira to school and then home to take the tramp down; Zendia helped with the springs after I made it easier. She was so cute saying she had tried it and could not so she tried again and she did it. She was so excited she tried again. Sadie was running about as we worked. We then got ready for the day. I worked my 8 hours and then returned home to pain our cucumber pumpkins as they are pumpkin color and shaped like cucumbers. Now I am tired and ready to sleep. I am really tired. November 1-Friday I was allowed to leave work early yesterday to enjoy Halloween with our ladies. We had a great time eating cheese sticks and lots of candy; too much actually I hurt all night and my stomach is still not right. But you know what? We had a great time. We danced to music in the dining room as we waited for the total of like 5-7 treaters that came to our home. The girls fought over who got to open the door and share our candy; that was heartwarming and irritating; just take turns it’s that simple if you stop being selfish and thinking about yourself so much. Man!! And then when we were tired of displaying our dance abilities from our very open window we watched Christmas movies because that is what we do. I was disappointed when I arrived home and Jatae is chasing Attira out the door to make sure she is allowed to tell Attira what a ….. She is and then Jatae followed her back in to keep up the rant. Oh man I wanted to beat her so bad. Not kill her then the pain stops; oh no I wanted to inflict great pain on her for such devil encouraged behavior. I walked into a home with emotional turmoil screaming at me and i was just not ready for so much when I was expecting a warm welcome, “yay, mom’s home to celebrated with us!” but nope, none of the joy and all the misery. So I ate cheese sticks by myself as Attira suddenly wants to repent because she wants food, not cause she feels bad for being evil to her sister and then tries to play the lame victim; all woes is me even though I started it and most likely egged it on; little brat. Just wait is gets better, then Jatae tells me someone called her fat. A random note is left in her locker saying, “eat more salad” and she read “Jatae your fat” ok if that is what you want and you like feeling bad about yourself all day, it’s your choice. And now lets fight with mom and prove to her why we are right and fat and she is an idiot who does not get it. Maybe, little darling I don’t want to get it? Maybe I think it’s irrational to believe stupid belittling thoughts that are not true. Just cause you think it does not make it true. Yah, so we had that conversation after her yelling and adding fuel and justice that she is fat. Oh let’s dig for the why you thought that and it’s cause for some reason you think you are fat? Nope dig deeper dear one, it’s cause you value healthy eating and living as a member of God’s kingdom and you are not healthy; Oh, there it is you are so smart, I knew you could figure this out. I know too bad I was not there earlier and could have stopped the stupid thought or more true helped you stop but I was not and you have to learn to do that on your own. Don’t worry it comes with time and practice as thinking stupidly is part of being human; sucks I know tell me about it. But the more we think with compassion and truth the better we feel. As you can see I was not a happy person at first but we counseled together and repented and forgave and had a delightful night. I love dancing and now I get to dance in my home with our girls

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and it more fun than any dance I went to. I really love it when James is there to enjoy the show but he had to work. Speaking of which, i so miss him when he is on the nightshift. I don’t get to see him enough and it makes me sad. I sure do miss him. And I had to get to work an hour early and stay an hour late to make up for yesterday. I lay on his chest for a minute, maybe, and soaked him in; he feels so good against my body. I look forward to snuggling him tomorrow but I need to go to the temple as I have many names for endowments and they need their gifts more or the same as I need James. Jatae and I get to shop tomorrow together so that will be great joy as well. I love this time of year!!! November 11-Monday I had today off and got paid to be home. Attira wanted to stay home with me so we helped Zendia read and did our scriptures studies and had lunch and then dropped off Zendia and went Christmas shopping for Attira to give to her sisters. We took dad his saw and then asked mom to join us as we went to Famous Footwear and then TArget to get Attira some close toed shoes for church. She got her some boots for her birthday too. It was a delight to be with mother. We dropped her off then went to Winco for food and Walmart for a few other items. We hit Deseret Book to replace Jatae’s CTR ring and then home. Wow what a day. It was pure joy being with Attira. I was amazed and so pleased how thought she was in looking for things for her sisters and how well she knows them. It feels so good to have her paying attention to them. I look forward to going with the others in the following weeks. We made it in time to make dinner. James arrived home at 6:00 and we ate. I made some candy corn that makes me sick and sadly it does not taste as good as I remember. Oh well that means I won’t eat as much and won’t get as sick, it’s a win win. Bethany Wilson came over for her annual fundraiser; it was pure joy visiting and catching up with her. Then Attira, Zendia and I played some games in the back until we woke James and he was not happy that I was the ringleader. We got to laughing too loudly. Zendia enjoyed it so much that she wants to play again tomorrow. She is super excited about the veterans assembly tomorrow too. I have decided our family needs more love in our home, more working as a team and less fighting and worrying someone is doing less than you are. That is my new prayer; more love. I sure do love Nakiya, Jatae, Attira, and Zendia. They are pure joy. Yesterday we atended our sacrament meeting and the Spirit was so strong as the primary talked and sang of Christ; I was crying before it began even. I really enjoy the primary program. Relief society was amazing and I learned that we must each gain a testimony of the SAvior of our own so we can make our homes a fortress or a place of battle preparations. James got home at 6 yesterday and wanted to run to prepare for his academy that begins tomorrow so we enjoyed the cool night air as he ran, I walked, Nakiya and Attira and Zendia ran and walked and Jatae was home resting to battle a cold away. As you can see we are happy and well and attempting to fight a good fight. We are ever so grateful God is with us. November 24-Sunday I ordered me a new chromebook so I could journal more often and better. I am working now to from 11:30-8 I am at work. Actually it’s 11-8:30 Because I have drive time. I know this week Zendia and I played outside in the rain. We laughed and felt great joy as we walked in the gutter. It was a lot of fun. Most mornings Zendia and I read together. She is beginning to read words like: the, was, we, and, like, see, come, etc. It’s such a joy to see her reading and she can sound

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I have been driving the girls to school to have more time with them. We’ve been picking up Adia because she had knee surgery and is slower. I get home at 8:30 so from then to 9:00 is sacred family time. WE have had family counseling one night, farkle another, we made dinner for a ward member one night and friday night I had a date with James. We went to Taco Bell and I overdid it with the delicious Mt Dew the blue kind; oh yeah I drank a large and james had to refill it. Sadly, I could not get to sleep that night and I was up with James alarm. I could not get back to sleep so I went to the temple. I needed the temple It felt so good to be in the temple even if it was on 3-4 hours of sleep. Nakiya and Jatae were sick so James and I went out again to get the shopping done. I was blessed to find a craft for Thanksgiving for the kids, and got some rando needs at the Dollar Store. I had to trick James to get him there as he does not like to go and I needed to go to JoAnns so I drove and told him as we got close. James is super stressed with the academy and has turned to sinful behaviors to deal with his stress. He chose to remain home from church today because he is feeling unworthy to take the sacrament. I feel a little distant from him today and rightfully so. He has not been doing his best to keep his covenants and his thoughts are sinful and full of lust. We had a heart to heart and I am so pleased to say I was patient and gentle. I have even been more patient and gentle with the girls thanks to a client who taught me that my kids know what they have done wrong, I don't have to tell them. The girls and I had a heart to heart family counsel regarding them watching youtube on their phones when the rules is none. We cleaned up their phones and they talked about what they miss out on when they are on youtube. Zendia and Attira brought up pornography which warmed my heart; sad they have to do that and grateful they know. But that was not the real issue. They have left out bonding with each other, they have left out reading their scriptures, they have also neglected their jobs all for youtube. I thank Father for being for me and guiding me. November 27-Wednesday I miss being able to type on my chromebook to journal; it’s way easier than trying to get on this computer which is our family one. I am getting a sinus infection so I have snot coming every five seconds but on the bright side it’s moving. The girls cannot seem to clean without fighting and I am just sitting back listening praying they will be blessed with Charity and a desire to work. I pray they come to understand the value, importance and need for work. James dropped a bomb shell on me Sunday telling me his sexual fantasies have returned. Well that explains all the blaming, yelling at me and hitting me in the night to push me away. That also explains the lack of love I have felt in return. Now is acting like since it’s out in the open all is well but I have a few months of confusion and pain to work through. I don't really want to be his friend. He honestly is not a good friend. Well I need to get my lunch and go to work. One more day; that’s today and I get two days paid holiday!!! Oh yah!!! Feeling grateful for that!!! November 30-Saturday It’s the last day of November and the rest of the world is now officially celebrating Christmas. I started in October; no greater cause to celebrate then Love. Those that love Halloween usually leave me judging then as a little too far away from love; and that is putting it nicely. I got my new chromebook so I get to journal more; hooray!!! So thanksgiving day we started our first family football game with James the girls and I. Mike and Ruth joined us. It was snowing too so that made it all the more magical and Team Bridges won of course. Oh what joy, what fun, what wonder to be playing out in the snow as it fell upon the earth. We had a delicious dinner with mom and dad, TRina, Alan, Clint, Resha, Danny, JAyda, her friend Shaylie, Ireland, Deklen, Sienna, Stetson, Debi, Treygan, Daxton, Zayden, And Aria. Dinner was

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great and the company better. I just love being with family. I helped some of the kids make snowmen out of felt; a pattern we got and then cut out for them all. It was fun to watch them make their own patterns. Sienna makes a mess when she crafts; both times she had her trash all over the floor. Ireland made one as well with antlers and Deklen made his own. It was just fun and by 7 we were tired and ready to go home and go to bed. Friday morning we woke up late and then James and I took Nakiya out on a date. As a family we read the scriptures and had breakfast together and I prayed there would be at least one unicorn for Zendia and there was just one left. We saw Resha and Danny with the twins at Walmart. Nakiya helped me get beads to make me lanyards for work and we had lunch at Artic Circle; gotta love the fries. We pay monthly for Disney+ and so we have access to all of Disney and more. Friday night we went to dinner with the Bridges. Dad Bridges paid for us all to eat at Sizzlers. I am still shocked with how much Garretts and DAvid’s kids can eat and I am thankful mine do not eat that much. It was a nice visit with dad we sure do love him. Today Jatae and I did battle and she spent some time out time in the basement. I like to wrestle her up a bit; yesterday was for fun and today she was really mad; oh well. Sure gets the anger rolling out instead of boiling inside. We would get the house all cleaned up and then she and I would go for a date. James is sick with a fever today. Jatae needed to get her Christmas gifts for her sister. Again we prayed there would be one of this thing Attira wanted and there was just one at GameStop; of all places and it was half the price of the add to a store we don't know because Attira pulled the add apart. There was just one left Today for Scripture time we all took some verses and learned what the Spirit told us and then we shared with each other. James is like a bear if it’s over five minutes. It was fun. I realized today the Ensign has some fun suggestions to make it more fun if we want. I will tell the girls they can take a look at it. Nakiya landed on my foot tonight so it’s throbbing. I don’t think she broke it but she has bruised it pretty good. I am thankful for God’s hand in our lives. He has lead us to the toys and things we wanted for Christmas and most were not needs all wants. He cares about our wants he cares about us. I guess I thought wrong that he wanted to give us just our needs but he does so much more than that and he wants us to do that for others. He wants to fulfill our wants. I love our Savior Jesus Christ. Just working on the Relief Society newsletter; I am thinking that for next year it will look more like a newspaper and with less squares and boxes. I have January and February outlines; we shall see how it goes. And I am trying to do in on Google docs in my drive so we shall see how that goes. December 1-Sunday Merry Christmas!!! Today we attended church to worship our LOrd and Savior Jesus Christ together. Attira and Dad stayed home sick. James has had a fever for two no three days and Attira has a cough with a slight fever. So it was me, Nakiya, JAtae, and Zendia. I had not planned on sharing my testimony but Bishop brought up running and 9th grade and I remembered that one meet in 9th Grade when Dad wrapped me up in his arms when I crossed the finish line. The Spirit has since taught me that when our race here on earth is complete our father in Heaven will welcome us home when we return home. Father wants us all to return to him, he wants us all to come to him now and he is sad when he loses his children. We have been commissioned to invite them to come and see and come and partake and then come and give to others so that he can wrap as many as his children as he can. God does not care if we are the best, number 1 or number 22; all he cares about is that we come home; he wants us to come home with him. The Spirit also bore witness to me today the importance of worshiping together. It was glorious to worship with my brothers and sisters today in sunday school.

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The girls and I went to tithing settlement today and declared our family as full tithe payers. We were then blessed by our bishop with a Bishop’s blessing. I was blessed to have the strength and energy to take care of all I do at work and with our family and our finances. The girls were blessed to come to Christ and receive all the blessings the Lord affords his children. James was blessed to progress in his career and lead our family in righteousness. It was beautiful and so sweet. We could answer yes that we do family prayers and family scriptures studies. The girls talked about their individual goals as well. I just feel so blessed to have four beautiful daughters; my best friends. I feel blessed to have a loving Bishop and amazing Ward family. I also feel blessed to have James. I am struggling a bit to trust him but I know we can get through this. With the added stress of the academy and his usual betrayal of lying and not talking with me is paying it’s toll on me. So I am back to having to say what I like about him because I am not seeing a lot of good from him here lately. I am having a difficult time liking him and wanting to be around him. It’s been more negative as of late than usual. So I am thankful for his hugs; no matter how mean he is to me or how I am struggling to like him my body likes his body and I like him to hug me. I always feel good in his arms even if I can feel his stress too. I am thankful he listened to me and did some investigations in the Melaleuca multivitamin packs. I am thankful I remained calm when he got naughty with me about it. I am thankful he was able, with some kind and gentle persuasion, to share his experience with the Holy Ghost which testified to him to make a better choice in pills and go with Melaleuca. They have numbers not just personal testimonies regarding what their product does. I am grateful he had the courage to tell me he had made a mistake and was going to listen to the HOly Ghost and make the switch. I am grateful he is allowing me to give him his shot at night because my hands don’t work in the morning. I am grateful he appreciates the shot even when it hurts him; I am so sorry my love. Do I really want to become like the Savior? Yes, really I do. I am not sure I can, wait no, I know I can with his help. I know I cannot do it without him. Do I really want to live with Heavenly FAther and with my family forever and live as He lives? I do and my testimony today reflected my desire to go home and be wrapped in the love of his arms. I want my family too, all of them my grandparents, my parents, my aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, spouses, nieces and nephews; everyone!!! I really do I want to live with them. I want to go home to the celestial kingdom. I have made sacred covenants now I need to keep them and endure to the end. I asked James to consider a few changes like never and I mean never accuse me of being insecure when I have dreams where he is cheating on me. You see, I reminded this gorgeous man who is so extremely handsome that I am very secure in my love for him, I am even more secure in God’s love for me. However, due to years of betrayal I am insecure in James love for me; especially right now. He commented that he is “always” making changes and I responded, “congratulations you have figured out God’s Plan of SAlvation, it’s all about change.” we are here to change, change our natural man and woman to become like Christ so that we can live with them and like them some day. Our trials helps us see what we lack, where we are strong, and how much we need the Savior to do it all. By the way I am thankful for James muscular physique; just saying. Better said is that my trials help me see what I lack, where I lack, what strength I have, that I can do it and that I need the Savior to do it all; to do what He ask me to do. I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me!!! December 2-MOnday Wow!! It was very difficult to wake up today; I wanted more time to sleep. But life goes on and it’s time to live so up we go. OUr family study was on being in the world and not of the world. The girls brought up social media and we talked about what may make it a sin; spending too much time and

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neglecting the things of God, and sometimes we do bad stuff on there which is also a sin. Any form of unrighteousness is sin. The Prophet has asked me to study Doctrine and Covenants section 84; it’s taken me weeks and I am getting a large dose of knowledge regarding me and the priesthood. Today I am in verses 89-98. When I receive a chosen vessel of the Lord say the Bishop, Stake president, Young women’s president I am receiving the Lord. It would be grievous if we rejected them. So how does it work when they are sinning; like I received revelation the YW presidency was sinning in now allowing the girls to lead. So how does that work? If I receive her am I accepting her sin’s? I love her, I pray for her to repent, I support her when she follows God’s will. Is that enough? I do pray she will repent and do it God’s way, I really do. And I really do love her and the counselors. I guess that it is ok to pray that some repent as we are all human we all sin and come short. She does not always support families either and that is a big concern. I believe her main job is to support our family and to point our girls to the family. Granted, for me if it is not being done at church it does not matter too much because it is being done in our home. She loves my girls and that is a way to support us. Now if she tries to get them to stay in yw with her we may have issues and I may speak up and call her out on repentance but that is a ways a way. It is wo to them that reject our testimonies not wo to me for sharing. The Lord is really not happy with the wicked. I feel sorrow for the wicked; the wrath of God does not sound pleasant. So again, I say,, to the wicked if you are to sin live it up well now because: “For I, the Almighty have laid my hands upon the nations, to scourge them for their wickedness. And plagues shall go forth, and they shall not be taken from the earth until I have completed my work…” v96-97. The days will be cut short for me and the righteous or we would not make it either Matt 24:22. Then Jesus will come again and reign as Lord of Lords and as king of Kings. Nakiya had a dream about the second coming that it was coming and coming fast. She said I was with her and she felt like she was not ready. I believe it was her own personal witness that she needs to get to work and do so quickly, we are running out of time to prepare. 3 December-Wednesday Feeling neglected by James as He is too busy and “I don't have time to stand around and snuggle.” So I take care of my needs by snuggling strangers in my dreams. Last night Jatae was presented with her young women’s medallion only the medallion is on backorder and she has to wait even longer. Ni modo she has waited for about 6 months anyway what's 6 more. James got all weird when we walked in the church too. I go to take his hand and he shakes it away and not a small unnoticeable shake a large and the world could notice the message “Don’t touch me” shake. Then he gets all mad once we get in the church and is quietly rebuking me for not taking his hand now. I am really hating this man right now. Like I wish he would disappear hatred. I am embarrassed to be his wife. How can someone be so bi-polar. I am getting the message to get away from him and then he is yelling at me in his quiet way for not holding his hand like how dare I let him walk in alone. And then he gest softer but only after seeing the slide show and his red headed sexual fantasy crush comes on. Then we get home last night and he is telling me I am crazy that what I say happen did not happen, then he softens and tells me he is sorry that I took it that way, after yelling at me for “there was a barrier” and he shook it way way way before we got to the door. I hate this man I really hate this man right now. So I dream about snuggling a “friend” of mine whos wife I am trying to find but cannot. Anyway I needed that hug. I tried to get James to hug me this morning but that is whenI got the “I don’t have time to stand around and snuggle.” The selfish **** thinks he is the only one stressed right now. ****** another name calling. I have stress too. I am starting a program out of nothing at the moment. I know how to do the assessments and even then I have questions for Jordan because

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it may change for adults. I am in a new office part time and in my old office on occasion. I am swamped with assessments just this week and more will come in the future. I am trying to figure out how to get all my paperwork done; I may need to block out time as I have 4 police reports to skim over and add that to an assessment. I am making a choice to disconnect from James I cannot handle his rejection right now. I will accept the soft like when I went to bed he did reach out and rub my arm but the thought of having sex with him right now makes me feel cold and irritalble, sick to my stomach because I don’t feel like he likes me right now. Actually I feel like he will cheat on me right now. December 5-Thursday James and I had a heart to heart last night night and I told him I was stressed too with beginning a new program.. We can be stressed together or a part. I made a choice to disconnect yesterday so I could get through my day. James bought me flowers to say he was sorry and he remembers me. It is better to get through trials when you have a partner to go through it with. I could do it alone and so could James but why? Why suffer more than we need to when we can find strength in each other. That is God’s plan to have a partner a spouse to go through trials with to suffer together so the suffering is not that bad. I went to Slate Canyon for the last time and said goodbye to my kiddos there. I sure do love them in spite of their crimes. I pray they will make decisions, good decisions and then keep them and make a good life for themselves. I came home to the girls all crying with fevers and complaining. James talked with them and asked them why they don't talk with him when he gets home. Kiya was able to tell him he goes to the gym and he responded that he always ask about their day first. We talked about how James needs to be more tender with their feelings and they need to use him more like they do me so I am not bombed when I get home and we can do fun stuff. The fevers were from the flu shots they got yesterday. It’s time for them to use their dad more and for him to be used. We also had a talk of family counsel concerning the girls making decisions and then not keeping those decisions. Nakiya was feeling ok because she is keeping her decisions. Jatae and Attira were not keeping their decisions so they were crying and feeling pretty crummy. If you cannot trust yourself to keep your commitments they it’s pretty difficult to trust others. James and I were able to share with confidence we have made commitments to teach them the gospel and to love and serve one another and we are keeping those commitments that is why they get in trouble when they are mean to each other. I felt good remembering what I do at work and bringing it home to my kids. It’s not about what I want for them, in this sense; I mean that matters but what matters most is that they make and keep their commitments or in our case covenants. They made covenants when they were baptized to love and serve one another. They made those same commitments when they joined our family. They today in scripture study it was all about loving God and loving Jesus and loving each other. That is God’s perfect timing. Just like my job my eyes are being opened and I can see God’s perfect timing in my life. God told me through a blessing that this is my plan that he has for me. And I can see it’s perfectness for me right now. This is my course and I will stay the course and pray he will help me. I know he will. Doctrine and Covenants 107→ As a covenant keeper I have the privilege of receiving the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven. I have the blessed privilege of having the heavens opened unto me and to commune with the angels in heaven. I will have the privilege to communion with God and to be in his presence and to be with Jesus my friend, my best friend and my brother.

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30 The decisions of this family and every presidency I serve in should/must are to be made in righteousness, holiness, and lowliness of heart, meekness and long suffering, and in faith, and virtue, and knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly and sisterly kindness and charity. And if we do these things we shall be fruitful. 27 and all decisions made should be made by unanimous voice. All family decisions all church decisions should be unanimous. The church is lead with unanimous vote and our lives, our families, and our callings in the ward should be the same. When it is unanimous there are a multitude of blessings when only one makes a decision and goes with it it’s bad. Oh man this is what the girls need too. Nakiya keeps making decisions on her own believing it’s for the good of Jatae and her sisters without even asking them. James will do that too and it’s not good. I have worked with women who did not care about a unanimous vote and it was painful. Now God did not allow the girls to suffer too much; or not that I am aware of but it was the worst experience of my life. Granted I was warned it would be and God had called me anyways. I prefer working with those who care about what God wants and then we all pray and we all get the same revelation; that is when you know it is of The Father and it’s right. If is is not unanimous; wait, pray again and don't act until it is. My parents have walked where Adam blessed his children before departing this earth; in Adam-ondi-Ahman. That is so cool to me to think that when the world began the prophets were in that sacred place; a place my parents have visited. Oh how I want to walk there just to say I have walked where My Father Adam has walked. December 8-Sunday Yesterday was a day filled with the Spirit and much productivity. First Nakiya and I went to the temple where God gave me a verse of scripture to help our family be more clean. The Spirit also bore testimony again that Nakiya will marry a polynesan. It was nice to begin the day at the temple. We got some cleaning done when we got home. James had the other three helping; He has expired and Jatae was mad. I cleaned up the finishing touches on the living room and vacuumed; I really enjoy vacuuming. Sadly though because the girls don’t clean I had to empty the canister three times, yuck. Nakiya and I then went to Deborah’s so she could minister to us and help me make my lanyards for work. I got enough for 4. We went to JoAnn’s on Black friday. WE got two done and she shortened the one I bought on the ship. Next time we will finish the other tow and have her shorten the other one I got on the ship. It was really fun to be with her and I think she enjoyed it too. She even told the girls she has a bad of beads they can have and make stuff with. After that we purchased a BB gun and went shooting at the Sheriff's range. James of course shot his real gun. I love the BB gun it was way more fun than a real gun and the girls all really enjoyed it as well. They want a target so they can shoot in the backyard which would be fun too as long as no animal gets shot at. James and I took Attira out for her shopping date and got him a new Xbox which made me cry as I detest spending so much money but it made him happy. He got me a new knife set as well since I still have his grandpas old one. We also found some sweat pants to customize for our family Christmas Eve pajamas. James has no desire to join us; so sad he is truly the grumpy boring one, oh yah let it be known. I felt prompted to tell the girls and then had them try them on which was good because I have to fix all three as Attira was with us and tried her’s on already. Then the girls gave me feedback like they don’t want something sewn on as that is “itchy”. I am amazed that having their opinion made the thinking so much easier and a solution faster. We could even get paint and paint on them which I learned from Clella from our ward that acrylic paint works on fabric and they have fabric paint as well.

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December 9-MOnday Zendia asked me yesterday is she could work with me and do what I do when she gets older. I would love that if that is What God wants for her. I felt so much love for her today and I want to take advantage of every second I have with her. So I helped her bath, and get dressed and then she sang to me when I showered. She is currently singing her scripture studies. The Second Great commandment President Russell M Nelson: look for similarities in our brothers and sisters of other faiths or not practicing the same faith. Extend sympathy/empathy for their troubles-they have them just like us. We all have a mutual commitment to religious freedom. Volunteer labor and assistance. Look for ways to help, lift, and show love. When we love God with all our hearts He turns our heart to the well-being of others in a way we could not ever have imagined. I know this to be true. I never believed I could love and serve as I do But Father saw it in me and he brought it out because I loved him first. I will live the law of the fast and donate to the fast offering; that is the best way we can serve our brothers around the world. We must open our hands “wide” to the poor and the needy. “Wide”. I need to share this talk with Attira. December 10-Tuesday I shared the talk with Attira and like I thought she found it was amazing to know all the great humanitarian work the Church of Jesus Christ does. She was amazed and thrilled to hear that so much has been done for our brothers and sisters in Africa. The church has even helped with getting water to AFrican people and other places around the world. We played some hide and seek last night after the girls read their scriptures. We are trying to teach them to keep their commitments and essentially their commitments. Jatae and I had a heart to heart today talking about how I don't fully trust her because she does not keep her commitments and then she hides. She texted a boy before getting permission and then tried to delete his evidence but she failed to delete the evidence from her friend and the holy ghost told me to check on her. She compared herself to Nakiya asking why Kiya got to text Andrew; a mistake on her part and I got to tell her it’s because first I trust Nakiya; she keeps her commitments, she cleans, she does what I ask and she, for the most part, reads her scriptures. I want to trust Jatae, I value our relationship and so I want to trust her and she has to do behaviors that are worthy of being trusted. She actually took the conversation really well. She tried to deny that she deleted his contact and the text to hide the evidence but she covered her mouth with her hand which is a dead give away that she is lying. She even teared up and the best part is, she did not get mad and try to blame me for the problem. She took most of the responsibility, except the deleting and trying to lie part. She told me she would not learn to clean like Nakiya and I told her that was not true as she was better today in the conversation so I know she can learn and I learned to clean better so she can too. It was a win win if you ask me. She has been given the commission to keep her covenants and commitments until January and then we will talk about her phone; until then it comes with me. Oh and another thing I knew Andrew and his mother the boy kiya texted like five times if that. So if Jatae wants to text a boy we will go visit and I can meet him and his mother so she will have to get his number from the boy and not from another source like she did this one. “But it was the game” she tells me cause truth or dare is a good game to play, no not ever. Nothing good comes from truth or dare. I like using my counseling skills at home. Putting the responsibility on my kids is so freeing and it helps them grow. They are sad and miserable when they make covenants and don't keep them, which is an eternal principle as well. As parents we have been commissioned to teach our children to make and keep sacred covenants, I believe that means commitments as well. Using the 7 challenges at home has made that happen. God told me to better my mothering skills and working has helped me do just that; that’s amazing if you ask me simply amazing. And all I have to do is ask, “Are you keeping your covenants or your commitments?” and the tears come as they say no, and the change comes because they say no and know it’s in their

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power to change it. Oh man God is good, His plan is glorious and so simple and I love it when I get another piece of it!!! December 11-Wednesday JUst taking it one day at a time cause if I look to more I get overwhelmed right now. My Clientele has tripled and even though I don't have to do the work I am still adjusting to the schedule sometimes, most times when I look a head I feel overwhelmed. I get this pit in my stomach. I can get back to peace when I focus on today. Yesterday I came home to James trying to get Nakiya to open up; she would not. Heather and Mike Acosta took the girls to the ward party and brought us home dinner; it was delicious but I felt sick digesting it last night; my stomach was cramping with pain. Anyway, I am thankful they brought us food and it was good eating it. Jatae did not go because she did not have “clean clothes” and tried to blame her sister for not putting her clothes in the dryer while she slept. Oh well, the best part is she tried and not with her usual anger and disdain so that is a huge step in the right directions. Nakiya finally admitted to me she is still upset that Josie and Myla are friends now; I think she feels like they ganged up on her. Really so what, neither one comes from a faithful home so it makes sense that they won’t admit they have issues to repent of; their parents don’t so why should they. Nakiya has been blessed with a family who don’t necessarily enjoy repenting but we do it because we enjoy the peace of forgiveness and we like to apply both gifts of the Savior as often as possible. President Nelson: Closing Remarks. I am to hear and heed. You know I hear that a lot to just hear and heed. God has not changed what he says; it’s always the same to repent and come unto Christ and be perfected in Him. In Him is pretty significant as it’s only In HIm and through HIm that we can repent and be cleansed. The temple is the “crowning jewel” of the gospel; that is pretty significant if you ask me. I had not thought about the temple being that important. I mean I believe I felt it but to really think about it I had not put that much thought into it. Now I know the temple is more important than I gave a thought for and it was already pretty important. Now it just seems more important or I understand it just a little better. I need to be prepared to answer any questions others not of our faith may have in regards to the temple so I can gather Israel on this side of the veil. We need to prepare for the second coming of Jesus Christ; He is coming soon!!! Become more Holy: dedicated to God. Consecrated to God. Consecrated-make sacred or declare one’s dedication to God and His Holy Purposes. I need to become more dedicated to doing God’s will and to His purposes. Do I have faith in and a testimony of God, the Eternal FAther; His Son, Jesus Christ; and the Holy Ghost? Yes I do. I know that God our Ether FAther lives and he loves me. I know Jesus Christ lives and loves me; he is cheering for me to come to Him and be perfected In Him. I know the Holy Ghost is with me and leads and guides me daily, minutely really when I ask and am worthy and sometimes when I don’t think I am worthy He is still with me. He lifts me when I am sad, He changes my guilt to peace and hope that I can change and become more holy and better. Do I have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and of His role as my Savior and Redeemer? Yes I do, I most certainly do I use it on a daily basis. I use his cleansing power and his enabling power regularly. Do I have a testimony of the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ? Yes, I believe Joseph saw God the FAther and Jesus Christ and restored that which was lost. I thought it was over with those things and I am coming to learn the Restoration is still happening and I am a part of it. Do I sustain the President ofThe Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day SAints as the prophet, seer, and revelator and as the only person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Yes, I do and I love him. Do I sustain the members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve

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Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? I do, I believe all they tell me is from Father for me. I know that if I follow them I will do what God the Eternal Father and Jesus Christ want me to do. Do I sustain the other General Authorities and local leaders of the Church? I do, sometimes I still wonder about Bishop Bird and the 4th ward and why it was so dangerous for us and why God did not just release him. But then I see how we are all safer all around. There was so much against us. The word dissension comes but that may be harsh. The Lord has said that all things are to be “done in cleanliness” before Him (D&C 42:41). Do I strive for moral cleanliness in my thoughts and behaviors? To be completely open and honest I have bad thoughts, they come but I don’t dwell on them. I try to cast them out as fast as I can. I am currently working on saying kind things that uplift and encourage the girls and James and others. Do I obey the law of chastity? I do because I want to. I want to be sexually pure in thought and in deed. I have immoral thoughts come, they do, they come without warning but I look to Christ and I am honest with James so they don’t stay. I don't want to act on any immoral thought. Do I follow the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ in my private and public behavior with members of my family and others? I do. There are movies I won't watch because they don't fit into my beliefs. There are games I won’t play that I perceive as not of good report. I gather the girls for Come Follow Me and family prayer. I don’t want to be a hypocrite I want others to see Jesus Through me. Do I support or promote any teachings, practices, or doctrine contrary to those of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? No, I do not. Do I strive to keep the Sabbath day holy, both at home and at church; attend my meetings; prepare for and worthily partake of the sacrament; and live my life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel? I do because I firmly the promised blessings will come to fruition if we do. I love to keep the Sabbath day Holy, I love attending my meetings. And I love worshiping at home with our family. I have loved Sunday ever since I was a young girl. Do I strive to be honest in all that I do? Oh yes, Honesty is a high priority. Sometimes being honest is scary but I know it is the best policy; and better when you can deliver honesty with love and compassion. Am I a full-tithe payer? Yes, I am. Yes we are. I find great joy in paying our tithing. James once upon a time did not want to pay tithing and so I allowed him to test the Lord. It only took two pay checks for James to realize we needed the Lord to stretch the money we brought in. James now knows we need to pay our tithing if we want to survive. Do I understand and obey the Word of Wisdom? You know I try but I could do better. I try to eat fruits, vegetables and grains with limited meat except in times of famine or great hunger. I probably eat more meat than I need and more sugar than is healthy. But still I am trying. Do I have financial or other obligations to a former spouse or to children? No, thankfully I do not. James is my only spouse and we are grateful still together. Do I keep the covenants that I made in the temple, including wearing the temple garment as instructed in the endowment? I do. I enjoy wearing my garments. I admit sometimes the fashions of the day day it difficult but there is always something. Are there serious sins in my life that need to be resolved with priesthood authorities as part of my repentance? No, there is not, not at this time. Do I consider myself worthy to enter the Lord’s house and participate in temple ordinances? Yes, yes I do. Oh what joy, what wonder, what glory to be worthy to enter the house of the Lord and increase in holiness that I may become like him. December 12-Thursday

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The girls and I enjoyed painting Team Bridges on our Christmas Eve sweats this year. Attira was getting yellow paint on others stuff because she was not paying attention; I screamed “Don’t touch my pants” she cried James and Nakiya laughed, she laughed. That occured twice. Attira got Jatae’s pants but we are hemming them up so you might not see it. Zendia painted on hers before it began because she did not want to wait she wanted to get it done on her own. So we cannot fix hers and so we let her paint all over it. So one side says Team Bridges and the other has dots or “birds”. Jatae failed to account for all Bridges letters and stopped to let her dry and she has plans to fix it today. I only got TEam on it and so did Nakiya. James was wanting to play his game the entire time but I told him he had to be with us until 9:00. That man has screwed up priorities at this time. However, he stayed and ended the night with a paint battle. He just had to get paint on every kid and me; jokes on you mister I got you back with more. So you can see it was a joyous night for us all. James finally got to play his game, and we all went to bed. Wearing my garments shows my inner commitment to keep my sacred covenants I made in the house of the Lord. My garments serve as a reminder that I can become like Christ. My garments also remind me to be faithful each day and to walk the covenant path of a higher holier way. That means I have to be better, more holy, more dedicated to the Lord and his path. More humble and more asking for his help. HOw can I remember to say a prayer before each client? I wish it could just be there whether I say the words or not. I need his help with each client. He knows what they need. December 14-Saturday Just found out Leilani is pregnant; how exciting is that. I was just thinking yesterday she would announce a pregnancy on Christmas Eve but she did it sooner on social media. Oh what joy I am just so happy with her and her sweet husband. We did family scriptures this morning and journaled what changes we need to make. Then I read from President Nelson: That I need a “total conversion of mind and heart to be more like the Lord, to be an honest citizen, to be a better example, and to be a holier person.” Well that is what I need. I was writing about how I need to trust Jesus more and to remember his promises. I am not sure I can be like Jesus but I am going to try and I will trust and increase my faith in Him. More holiness give me, More strivings within - make great efforts to achieve something within. I guess that goes along with more conversion of mind and heart of that is within. Trust the Lord; I need to trust the Lord. I need to be more converted-more strivings within. More patience in suffering-I wonder if life is all about suffering. Yes, I can improve with this as well. I don’t like to suffer. But in over to become like Christ I must be patient in suffering. More sorrow for sin; now I feel great sorrow for sin, I don’t like to sin, I want to be righteous. More faith in my Savior; well I know I already need this. I pray for greater faith in Jesus. More sense of His care-this is getting better and I am already aware that I need to care more about his care. I need to appreciate Him and Know He cares. More joy in HIs service-I need greater joy in HIs service because I get paid to be in His service. I do love it and I want more joy in His service. More purpose in prayer-I realized yesterday I need, we need to pray for his promises to come true. Tomorrow verse 2 December 16-MOnday Mom and dad came to dinner yesterday; James cooked ribs as per mother’s request. OH what a lovely visit. I believe Dad is caring that his story be remembered so he is sharing more. I also believed that his days; like all of ours are numbered and he is on the short end with very few years to live or days whichever happens first.

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I went to their home on Saturday to sew and I was trying to thank dad for working to keep mom home. Saying you’re welcome seems impossible for him it was, “Well that’s just what you did, that is what’s expected…” and he tried to complain about men today and I cut him off. To remind him I was saying thank you and that is all. We still had a good visit. I do so love my parents. They are good people. Saturday we took Zendia out on her date. She and I had a great time and James was like having the devil along so we ignored him pretty much the whole time. And the rest of the day when we got home. Zendia and I laughed and enjoyed each other. She told me very specifically she wanted a “hamburger with fries and a Sprite.” So we went to McDonalds which was right next to Winco. I really do love spending one on one time with each daughter. Most of the time we enjoy James but he likes to be ….. Every weekend and probably will until the academy is over. He was crying how he lost his saturdays; selfish man. And crying that he does not get his 7 days off big baby when all i will ever have for the rest of my life, ok just until I retire are Saturdays. I work every day now. And he still tries to blame me for his contention and is mad when I keep that boundary as I am not taking responsibility for him or his crabbiness. Anyways, so Sunday I watched the three new Book of Mormon videos that we missed; which are amazing. Then I watched the Bible videos that we forgot to watch as we studied. I realized that the early prophets and apostles did not thing but gather Israel. They gathered Israel in their spare time. They gathered Israel while in bondage and prison; it’s literally all they did. I came to realize in my head that gathering Israel is all that matters and I honestly thought “how boring”. Now I still need more holiness, and it’s not like I had other plans. But I am a bit lazy by nature and wanted I guess more down time, more time to relax. I mean we talk about how the Atonement of Jesus Gave us freedom but it’s not freedom to do nothing; it’s freedom to work and become like Him. I am just not sure if that is truly what I want. I mean that will require a lot of sacrifice. And Yet here I am working for Him. Can I embrace it as my will too? Can I do it without crying regarding not being home lazy with my kids? These are some things I need to figure out. I do want eternal life; this I know and this requires all the above. So I have to but can I really truly do it? More faith in my Savior, more sense of his care, more joy in HIs service, more purpose in prayer. Not ready for verse 2 quite yet. December 17-2019 More sense of His care: perceive through my senses that He cares for me and my family. He cares for me and my job. He cares for our girls and their salvation too. He would not ask me to work if He knew our girls would be lost. He promised me that none of our girls would be lost. I was told those words in a blessing; None of them will be lost. He will provide what is necessary for our health, well-being, welfare, maintenance, and protection-He will provide for our protection! He will provide for our welfare! He will provide for our maintenance! I believe it and I want to feel it in every sense; in my heart, my soul, and my head. He will provide a way. My job is to take advantage of the time I have with the girls. We have time every night; I am on the phone with the girls for the 30 minute drive and then we have family fun night. Last night I had to prepare my lunch for today so that took some time. But after we had to get Nakiya’s pants done for Christmas Eve and hers turned out the best; I am a bit jealous. Zendia did her laundry so she could have her pajamas for Polar Express day today. Oh she is so cute; I had to help a little as she was spinning the nob all around watching the light move. Yah, just one click to Normal load my dear. She then made a bed on the hardwood flooring with the cat food bag as her pillow and pretended to sleep. She may have wanted to but she was too excited waiting for her

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clothes to be clean. Once she put them in the dryer she could go to bed and she fell right to sleep-in her bed not the floor. Jatae stayed up late wrapping her gifts for her friends; they were wrapped beautifully. Attira was gathering nail polish to give to her friend and Nakiya was gathering perfume we don't use and body wash along with the sparkly pens we got for them all. I am really praying for more sense of His care. If that one could sink completely into my heart then my faith would increase and vice versa and I would trust in HIs care, His protection, His love. I have believed I had to suffer and well I just don’t always trust. It grows as I give Him credit for what he does do. Another line says “more gratitude give me” and maybe that’s how a sense of HIs care can grow too by being grateful for what he does. December 18-Wednesday In my mind I repeat the words “More faith in my Savior, more sense of his care, more joy in His service, more purpose in prayer” especially when i begin to doubt or worry. Fascinatingly when I do this I get more faith in Jesus, more sense of His care and I experience more joy in HIs service. It is something I need right now as I am beginning this new YAP program, looking forward to possible surgery on my gallbladder, and trying to be a mother to our girls when I only have a couple hours in the morning and 30 minutes at night. Oh and James is not on normal hours and not home much either. He has today and tomorrow and then he gets Friday off and a week of night shift; at least that is a week of normal for us. The next line that is beginning to come is “more gratitude give me, more trust in the Lord.” I do need those. Last night we played hide and go seek. I love that the kids still like to find me even though I cannot hide well. I am just too big now and I stick out but they don’t care. Kiya just laughs, Attira laughs and Zendia is thrilled to find me so fast. Sometimes I can find a spot to keep me hidden for a time but those are rare. I enjoy playing with the girls. Jatae got home late from young women’s as they went to temple square. James got home at 8 and went to bed. December 19-Thursday It’s my parents 59 anniversary today; Happy Anniversary to them!! James decided to look at porn last night and masturbate; he was not caught until after he had completed his sinful deed. He tried to tell me he masturbated to us having sex and his fphone was nomrally hidden in his bed sheets like that would make it better. OH many what an idiot; that made it worse. He does not have permission to use me as his porn EVER, NEVER. He does not have my permission nor will he ever have it. HIs other excuse was that Resha dropped off Zendia so we would be long enough for him to look at porn and masturbate so he did not have time to wait for me. You know I would never treat his family the way he does mine; going to bed when they are here to visit. I have stayed up countless nights visiting with his family no matter how tired I was the next day. So we are not friends. I don't have time to be connected to his selfish misery today; I don't know if he is miserable as he completed the task so he must feel relieved; usually he is caught before he finishes. I am so sick of him, and I just keep suffering and suffering. Oh I hate him today. Then he complains that I disconnect; oh well …….. Learn to be righteous and faithful and I will stay connected; duh!! I am livid that he thought he could lie that he used me; foolish idiot. I am starting to think all Bridges are dumber than rocks. James sure acts a lot like Dave sometimes. Oh I hate him today; enough said. More trust in the Lord President Dallin H Oaks Trust in the Lord: Trust-firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of Jesus. Here is what we know of the Spirit world;

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We continue to live after death It’s divided in two for the righteous and the wicked Some righteous teach the wicked The work of salvation goes forward in the spirit world Some repentance can happen Not being with our bodies is a form of bondage: so all dead are in a form of bondage Wicked suffer additional bondage “prison” “Little else is revealed. The Gospel is preached to the ignorant, the unrepentant, and the rebellious so they can be freed from their bondage and go forward to the blessings a loving Heavenly Father has in store for them.” December 22-Sunday Britta had her Christmas Eve party tonight because she and Arnold are flying to Texas to spend Christmas with Audra and her family. I love being with family; it’s a special kind of magic. Sometimes I will go to the outside and just watch as every one visits and talks and the kids play. Kevin needs our prayers as they are struggling with Kelton’s daughter’s mother and her boyfriend. Kevin is paying out for lawyer’s fees. I wonder if I would do the same for my kids. Mom and dad have helped us but we usually paid them back. I would want to help without enabling. Anyway they need our prayers. Janell is struggling with her work environment as well. She loves those she works with but the higher ups are putting pressure on them and not too kindly. Oh the magic of family!! I just feel so happy to be with family. The food was good and the company better. I got to snuggle next to Britta as we watched Klaus; a very cute Christmas show. The kids played pool, and foosball. I would love to have an open room like that for family parties. Mike, Rox, and Gabe came; Gabe is so sweet and it’s good to see Mike and Rox working things out; I pray it continues. Kevin, Janell, Cori, and Janesha were there; Janesha is 12 and she still cannot speak to us. OH well, she is truly had a great loss; we are amazing. Leilani and Isaiah showed up late, Ahsley, JOhn and their little Henry were there. Steston, Debi, Treygan, Daxton, Zayden, and Aria were there; Stetson still has sling on his arm after crashing his bike and having a gnarly surgery leaving a cool scar. Resha, Danny, Jayda, Ireland and Siena were there; Sienna is taller than Jatae now by quite a bit; Ireland is still tiny, and Jayda loves to give me snuggles; Deklen is getting taller and taller. Trina and Alan were there without Clint; he might have been working but I am not sure. It was a lovely, magical, wonderful night. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful feeling. December 24-Tuesday Happy Christmas Eve. We have already studied the Celestial kingdom in all it’s gems and glory, had breakfast, and here I sit to fill my soul with the things of God before we clean, walk Sadie, and crochet-I am a bit behind. The work of the Lord continues even after this life. The work never ends; not until Jesus will come and say the work is done. Until them I am commissioned to preach the gospel. At home I am a mother teaching the gospel. At work I am a therapist teaching the gospel in a way that is not as outright as at home but that is what I do; I teach eternal principles to make and keep sacred covenants or make and keep your own decisions. We teach faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance for the remission of sins and baptism by immersion and receiving the gift of the HOly Ghost. The righteous continue teaching when they die. Is that all righteous or just prophets; I mean it does not make sense for Grandpa Morris to be just sitting around waiting just because he was not a prophet. Or Grandma or others. They would be teaching even if they were not called and they would probably be teaching family; if the family is so important I see grandma and pa teaching Brent seeing if they can get through this time or Gordon.

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My duty: teach the doctrine of Christ, keep the commandments, love and help one another, and do the work of salvation in the Temple of God. December 25-Wednesday President Dallin H Oaks: Two Great Commandments. I am a “divinely assigned guardian of the eternal family”, That definitely sounds better and more noble than even mother sounds in my book. Divinely assigned-It is my charge from Heavenly father. Divine means it comes from Him. Assigned meaning it’s my job I have been given authority. Guardian-defender, protector, and keeper of the eternal family; eternal because it goes on forever. The Church of Jesus Christ was formed so that families could be “formed, sealed, and exalted.” We do not always have to agree with one another to love each other. Love does not equal agree but we do need to love one another and treat each other well. Love=keeping God’s commandments. Love=obedience. I will Love God with all my heart, might, mind and strength. Or in other words as well, I will love Father with all my heart, soul, and mind. God’s love<=>God’s laws. “God’s laws are motivated entirely by His infinite love for us and His desire for us to become all we can become.” This is what should be our motivating factor as parents. Rules of the home should and must be motivated by our love for FAther and for our children and our desire to help them become like Him. I needed this as we are counseling through a phone issue with Nakiya and Jatae who cannot be trusted at this time with a phone. It’s not that they do bad stuff; but they are persuaded to do that which goes against their phone contracts; that is what damages them. My commission as a mother is to teach nothing but truth. My work as a mother is to prepare our daughters, Nakiya, Jatae, Attira and Zendia: daughters of God for the Celestial kingdom and most particularly for the highest degree of glory, exaltation and eternal life. This is my greatest work, my most holiest of callings from which I will never be released. My motivation is to get them to become their best selves; to do God’s work and His will for them. I am to prepare them for temple marriages and to be mothers in Zion to raise their children unto the Lord. For now I am to help them prepare for the temple. “Because of that love, we cannot let our love supersede the commandments and the plan and work of God, Which we know will bring those we love their greatest happiness.” This is what our family needs as I work. I cannot allow my love for our girls supersede my love for doing The work of the Lord. and My work is the work of the Lord only I am blessed enough to get paid for it. If I work then God will bring Nakiya, Jatae, Attira and Zendia their greatest happiness. How do I keep up when I am only home for such a short time? I have to stick with that which matters most; family scripture time family prayers and doing temple and family history work. I wonder if we need more of that with family fun night? “Abiding by God’s laws will keep you safe as you progress toward eventual exaltation.” Zendia helped me play Santa after her sisters had gone to bed. She was so excited and teared up when I asked to take her bunny I crocheted to put under the tree, so I reached for her hand and asked her to come with me. I asked if she wanted to learn the magic of Santa. She came with me and together we put the stuff out and sat for a moment enjoying the lights in the still of the night. She loved that and did not mind her bunny being under the tree for one night and in her arms the next. James woke us just before 6 even though I had an alarm for 5:55. He was just as excited as the girls to spend Christmas morning together. So we prayed and we opened. James and I both commented that we don't really need gifts right now as we enjoy watching the girls. We will have plenty of time

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without them. It was a glorious morning and the girls loved their gifts and loved what they gave to each other. IT was snowing just slightly so we took advantage and in the stillness of dark we went out to play in the snow; you never know if we will get more or not. WE built a slide and went down a few times. As the sun began to creep into the sky we went in to shower and prepare for breakfast at mothers. It was snowing as we left but the freeway was clear. I am thankful we took advantage of the snow as it stopped really soon and we ended up with a sciff left after the sun melted it. At mom’s and dad’s it was Trina, Resha, Stetson, and me with our families; the usual crowd. Nothing of real significance happens; no noteworthy conversations; but it’s just that they happen, conversations, laughter, fun, and some grumpiness from the usual source aka dad. There is noise from the children playing and noise from the adults talking. Stetson and DAnny really miss James and wished he would sacrifice sleep on holidays to be with family; I do too. Stephanie called and we chatted for a bit. Then as the family made the most glorious noises I fell asleep on mom’s rocking chair. Like usual toys were broken before we left and disappointment felt. Some arguing ensued, which was rapidly taken care of and lot’s of joy and laughter. And I made a discovery; kids are happier with less. Christmas seemed to be more peaceful this year and was glorious absolutely glorious. It's like now that we have more money we spend less for Christmas and focus more of Jesus Christ. Anyway; it was a great day. WE came home around 1 and I napped with James; that was nice. The girls played. After James went to work we went to Resha’s for a couple hours; watched television and played a couple rounds of Tenzies and then came home where we studied the scriptures together and then we did our individual studies. I finished the night exercising and we went to bed. A beautiful Christmas day!!! 27 December-Friday I began to brush my teeth last night and discovered a little someone had jammed it full of Mark’s homemade wax stuff for dry skin. Zendia admitted she thought it was her sisters. She got a mouthful of nasty. I told her she was mean and she might kill me someday with her stupid jokes. It’s not funny it’s mean and I came down again on no youtube. Unless they have a purpose no more. She was going to sleep with me but no way not after that. Then I tried another toothbrush that tasted like it had been soaked in perfume. Normally it soap in the drinking cup in the bathroom. Well I had had enough and I said things to that 6 year old I have never said. I pray she will stop before she really does make me sick and it always seems to be me. December 29-Sunday We on earth are all divine and have been successful choosing Jesus at least once before. I went to church with the girls today. I know I felt the Spirit testify that we were doing good on His holy day. I learned that as a mother I can teach my girls and I have exactly what they need. I learned I need to seek and choose humility on a minute to minute basis so I can doWhat God wants me to do. I have a strange fever in my chest; like I have never experienced a fever before. Oh well. We do have my scan tomorrow so hopefully we find something; if not, I will share our concerns and see where we go from there.