Book © Simon James Collier 2018 • Music &a

THE COUNTESS • based on the novel ‘Countess & Cabbages’

This adaptation: Book © Simon James Collier 2018 • Music & Lyrics: Richard Bates © 2018 • Evcol Entertainment / OCC 1



The Countess

Zumbug Munchyville was a quiet place with lush green meadows, golden fields of corn and bubbling brooks which flowed with ease over smooth river rocks. It was a wonderful

place to live. That is until the King died and left the Prince everything.

Now, the Prince was always one for a quest and when it was suggested that he go in search of ‘The Golden Shoe of the One-Legged Lamb’ he was all for it. But he made

one huge fatal mistake, and that was leaving kingdom in the hands of the horrible and mean: Countess Minty-Ball Zang.

When the Countess went against the Prince’s wishes and made everyone work in her

cabbage mine, the people knew that unless someone did something about the situation, they were going to be doomed for the rest of their gloomy lives.

But with Barry Braithwaite, our hero, a whole host of giant worms led by Frankie, a tree named Arthur Hardwood-Fantasticus, and Ermintrude Mintz, had the Countess more

than met her match and were her days as ruler numbered?

Characters: ACTOR 1: Barry Braithwaite / Bishop / Various Narration ACTOR 2: Frankie / Various Narration ACTOR 3: Countess Minty-Ball Zang / Various Narration ACTOR 4: Prince Rupert / Ermintrude Mintz / Lord Snuzzlebucket / Various Narration ACTOR 5: Jane Stevenson / Fiona Worm / Various Narration ACTOR 6: Arthur Hardwood-Fantasticus / Agent Orange



Prologue

[sound effect of a space-ship landing, air pressure being released, various clanking sounds as the landing gear is activated, the ‘beeping’ sound [like a lorry backing up] of the ship settling into its parking space and then a loud release of steam. An electronic

door opens, and a stairway comes down. There’s the sound of footsteps coming towards us, then a door opening, which has an old-fashioned bell attached to it. As the bell rings, and the door opens, we hear the gentle chatter of people eating in a diner, plates being stacked, laughter, chairs being dragged across the floor… there is the

sound of a slight sigh [someone not being able to find a spare seat], a pause, then the sound of footsteps as someone walks to a table, pulls out the chair and seats

themselves]



Big Ron Now, one can talk for ever and ever about how wonderful a place is. About how

bubbling brooks glide over smooth water-worn rocks and how the frothing torrent dances in swirls. How there are fields of lush green grass, flowers of all the colours of

the rainbow and bunnies that bounce through fields of lush golden corn. However, we’re going to skip the flowery chatter, and get on with this story.

For those of you who think this yarn comes from my own mind of a thousand thoughts –

you’d be wrong! I stole it - from a chap I met in a cheap vegetarian diner on the other side of the Moon.

This guy, Big Ron, once a boxer, and now a mechanic for an inter-galactic trucking

company, was sitting alone as I entered the diner, which was less than clean, and called ‘Cafe Blue’. There were no free tables available… so I seated myself next to him.

Although there were knives and forks available, he gobbled his food with his hands, with

little regard for personal hygiene. So, I ate in silence, occasionally wiping my face as splatters of his spaghetti sauce landed on me.

After a short while, Ron turned to me and we struck up a conversation. He asked me

what I did, and I told him I was a writer. Ron told me what I should be telling were stories of bravery, adventure and heroes of bold. I tried to hell him that the book I’d just

written was filled to the very brim with such things… but he wasn’t having any of it.

So, there I sat, as Ron began me telling me about the land of [beat] Zumbug Munchyville [VAMP STARTS] … and the tyrannical Countess who once ruled there. As he spoke I soon realised that he did indeed have an interesting tale to tell of bravery,

daring feats of daring things, worms and cabbages. But more of these later – as we take you on a journey to the Kingdom of…



Zumbug Munchyville

Zumbug Munchyville was a quiet little place: Fields of corn, green meadows,

And a smile on every contended face; Birds would sing in the tree-tops,

And everything would pass from year to year the same.

The people were farming folk, who mostly tilled the land, No EU regulations or interfering government hand.

People loved this place they lived in: Zumbug Munchyville was its name.

The babbling brook consoled the weeping willow;

Lovers look into each other’s eyes and coo; Blackbird took the soft moss for his pillow,

Yes, Zumbug Munchyville’s the place where dreams come true.

[Spoken] But, as with all the good things in life, this was not destined to last. After a long illness

the King, whose name was Reg Tinker (though the courtiers called him King Spondatious Rulus Us Wellus), sadly passed on. The Queen, who was tired of all this ruling, decided to leave the running of the fair Kingdom of Zumbug Munchyville to her eldest son, Rupert. Meanwhile, off she went to run a well-equipped sports shop just

below Marshmallow Mountain, which was the best skiing spot for miles.

Rupert was popular in Zumbug Munchyville, Attractive, heir to the throne, mind of his own, and strong of will.

But Rupert had this hankering to see the world, And know it’s secrets,

Know it’s people, everything!

[Spoken] The Prince, not wanting to leave the Kingdom without a ruler, asked his cousin,

Countess Minty-Ball Zang, to sit on the throne whilst he was away and look after things until he returned.

Now this Countess was a brusque and moody kind of dame;

Minty by nature, in fact Mintyball was her nickname. She had such vile putrid breath,

That for plants and some small animals spelt death.



[Spoken] And this is how she acquired her name – Mintyball – from the mints she quaffed non-

stop to make her breath kinder.

The Countess wasn’t well-liked in Zumbug Munchyville, and for good reason. Her father had died many years ago and left her his vast estate of mint mines. You see, the rock upon which the Kingdom of Zumbug Munchyville is built is what everyday mints are

made from, and this forms the basis, along with farming, of the Kingdom’s very healthy economy.

Before too long, the Prince had left

To find the thing he sought. And Mintyball was never one

For doing as she ought: She made so many rules and taxes, Misery was all her reign had brought.

[Spoken]

She even took away everyone’s television, so they couldn’t watch their favourite soap, which, she said was dumbed-down rubbish. Can you imagine how the people of Britain

would react to that!

Song ends

Even though the Prince had informed Zang that she was only there to look after the Kingdom, and not to make any new rules, Zang ignored this.

The first thing she did was to reclaim all the farm land which had once belonged to the

old King, but which he had given to the people so that they could earn their own livelihoods. Half the people who had once worked as farmers were shipped away to a

new mine which Zang had been secretly developing. In this mine the people were made to dig and crawl until they found - cabbages! That’s right - cabbages!

Zang had been talking to a ruthless commodities broker in London, who had informed

her that there was suddenly a new world market opening for the vegetable. Zang, being the greedy little opportunist, she was, decided to take this guy’s advice and open her

own cabbage mine.

So, when the Prince asked her to keep the throne warm for him, she saw it as a perfect opportunity to make people work in her latest enterprise and take full control of the

Kingdom before the Prince returned from his childish jaunts.



Anyway, the Prince had been gone for quite some time now. Zang and he had made an agreement, stating that if he did not return to Zumbug Munchyville within six months of his departure, then Zang would take full control of the country. Well, the six months had passed, and no one had seen hide nor hair of the Prince, which, on first appearances,

meant that the Countess now rightfully became the ruler of the land.

So, the fate of the people had been sealed and they were now forced to work in Zang’s mine. The farm land went to waste and became overgrown.

What had once been a kingdom which was as democratic as you could hope for - even with all the pitfalls that can lead to - became a dictatorship, and even worse, ruled by horrible big Zang, who was getting uglier by the day. She even sprouted warts on her

nose, which had small tufts of hair growing out of them, and her breath was more rancid than the sourest of milk. Quite revolting really, but this isn’t a lesson in personal

hygiene, rather a story about heroics, free speech and the right to wear frilly white dresses if one wants to...

Now, I must now introduce our hero...

Barry Braithwaite [Spoken]

Barry Braithwaite was only eleven years old. Barry was lovely, kind and all the things a good son ought to be. So were his parents, Neil and Liz. They’d run a fruit farm on the outskirts of Zumbug Munchyville before Zang had forced them to work for the minimum wage down the cabbage mine. In the early evening, after his unpaid internship at the

mine, Barry stood in the rotting orchard and thought:

I miss the way we lived before, Life was much simpler, or so it seems. Perhaps, through the eyes of a child

It’s hard to tell what is real life And what is dreams.

I dream of running through our orchard, Back to our cottage with its open door.

I dream ‘cause it’s not that way anymore.

I know that things must change up some day: Nothing can stay the way it’s always been.

I know I couldn’t wait to grow up – I didn’t realise what growing up would mean. I’ve seen more than my share of heart-ache,

I don’t think I can take another day; When will this night-mare ever pass away?



Sometimes, in the early morning:

Sometimes, if I lay awake, I think what would it take?

And if I had the chance today, What difference could I make?

[Spoken]

Zang was never happy about the number of cabbages brought up from the mine. She always wanted more. Barry and the other children dragged the heavily laden carts filled

to the brim with plump, juicy vegetables to the surface. Here they tipped them as carefully as they could into carts, which took them to the palace.

Everyday Barry tried, when he could, to make it to the orchard which had once been his parent’s livelihood. He would weed and prune, but it was no use, the farm orchard was

now overgrown and laden with rotten and useless fruit.

They’d say that I’m a crazy dreamer For even having these dreams in me.

Maybe, but I won’t give up easily.

Whisked Off to The Mine

Now, all the citizens dreamed of changes, but most began to think that they’d never escape from this seemingly endless nightmare.

This was not a thought shared by Barry, who knew his chance would come to make

things right - whatever it took.

Now, it was on a Monday not too long ago that this wish came to fruition...

That evening, he and his parents, Liz and Neil, were sitting down to their meagre meal, when there was a knock at the door.

Mr Braithwaite cautiously went to answer when in burst four guards and grabbed hold of

both him and his wife.

“The Countess wants you to work extra hours in the mine,” boomed one very unpleasant-looking man. “You both have to go back there, right now!”



“But...” Mr Braithwaite began, but before he could continue he was ushered out of the shack with his wife, and into the awaiting cart. One of the ruffians remained, not to look after Barry, who was under age and would legally need supervision, but to finish off the

supper, which Mrs Braithwaite had spent so long lovingly preparing.

There is only so much that one can do with cabbage-goulash, but Mrs Braithwaite had done wonders with what little she had.

The guard, being the unpleasant individual, he was, with little thought for others, or any real understanding of what was really happening in the world, hoovered up two of the

dishes of goulash.

Then, just because he was nasty, he peevishly tipped the one remaining bowl, meant for Barry, onto the floor. Before the boy could get to it, it seeped through the

floorboards. The guard just stood there and laughed as Barry tried to save his evening meal. [VAMP STARTS]

He only managed to save one leaf which, he was about to eat when it was snatched

away by the reptilian brute.

The man then raced out the door to get a lift back to the castle with his mates. Barry’s head dropped into his hands and he almost started to weep.

They’d say that I’m a crazy dreamer For even having these dreams in me.

Maybe, but I won’t give up easily.

However, just as the first crystal-clear tear was about to drop from his eye, he suddenly raised his weary head as a thundering sound could be heard from under his feet.

[MUSIC Q] Not believing what he had just heard, Barry listened again. (Music Q / beat / triangle

cue) At first, he heard nothing, thinking that it had just been his imagination. But as he rested his head in his hands, the thundering sound began again. [Music Q] In fact, the

sound was not only louder, but made the Braithwaite shack shudder like nobody’s business. [Music Q]

Barry grabbed hold of the table as the thundering became louder - and then it happened

– [beat] the table leg broke off in his hand. [Music Q]

“Typical!” Barry muttered to himself, but his thoughts were interrupted as the thundering became more deafening, until... [Music Q - beat / chord]



Frankie Worm Appears

The floor burst open, sending pieces of splintering wood everywhere. Windows

smashed and the furniture broke into a million pieces. [Q point]

The devastation surrounding Barry was incredible. Only a few moments ago he had been sitting in the middle of his shack watching a nasty guard eating the only morsel of food he was going to get that day, and now this had happened! Just when he thought the situation couldn’t possibly get any worse he turned around and came face to face

with... Frankie Worm [Music Q out] - who was huge! [Music Q]

Huge meaning that this once ordinary soil-slurping worm was now over seven feet tall and had a cheeky rosy face! Frankie took one look at Barry and frowned.

“I hear that your name’s ‘Barry’!” Frankie chuckled. “Who on earth called you that?”

Barry gulped and then cleared his throat. “My mum!”

“Oh,” Frankie began. “I was going to say something witty about that name being a little old-fashioned, but as it was your mother who gave you the name, I won’t say a word.

My name’s Frankie.” [UNDERSCORE IN]

Frankie slithered over to what remained of the only mirror in the house and began to admire her reflection. “What do you think? Something off the shoulder, or a full-length

number?”

New Clothes – Frankie Nothing in the world can beat trying on new clothes;

The feeling as the cool fabric fits only grows and grows! You do up the final strap of it, You feel the silky knap of it…

Barry Lush

Frankie Plush!

Frankie

You’re carnival and Hogmanay and Mardi-Gras rolled into one

[Barry attempts to interrupt]



Frankie Hush! Sush!

There’s nothing finer in the world I suppose Than stepping out in brand new clothes.

This I’ll maintain ‘til the day I die: Just you wait and see,

Garment therapy Is the remedy

You’ll be glad you chose.

“But you don’t have a shoulder to wear something off!” Barry rightly pointed out.

“Spoilsport,” Frankie groaned. “I guess that it’ll have to be that full-length number after all. Where’s your wardrobe?”

Frankie

Satin slips, silk replies; In light it shimmers,

In air it sighs; Like a dream cut to my size

Barry

Ahhh, hmmmm… The wardrobe’s over there!

Barry pointed to a tree some sixty feet away.

Frankie Well let’s go and find me clothing I can wear,

There must be something chic and stylish going spare! I know you’re poor, but what’s a girl to do?

Just you wait you’ll see A wardrobe symphony

All fitting gloriously, Picked by me with care.

“Thanks to you and your dramatic entrance!”

“Well,” Frankie began. “It wasn’t me who dropped the cabbage goulash through the

floorboards was it? I mean, there I was happily slithering home after a hard day’s soil munching and suddenly a whole torrent of the stuff came washing over me!”

“So?” Barry was puzzled.

“Young man,” Frankie said waving a finger at him.



Worms don’t usually have fingers, or arms or legs for that matter, but somehow, she

had grown two arms during her previous brief explanation and therefore the aforementioned could happen.

“This is what is becoming apparent in young people today. They obviously don’t read

enough or use their imagination, concentrating instead on social media. [70’s ‘Ragtime’ UNDERSCORE] What you need to do is to peruse a few rip-roaring adventures where

just about anything and everything can happen!”

“Is the lecture over now?” Barry sighed.

“Yes, but I’ll continue anyway.” Frankie replied, perching herself on what was left of the old sofa. “In Zumbug Munchyville, the worms are very special. Now, we may look

ordinary, but should any of us come into contact with cabbage goulash, as I have just done, [indigent look to the musical director - MUSIC OUT] then we turn into bigger

worms… and can speak.”

“That’s pushing things just a little too far, don’t you think!” Barry noted.

“Maybe… but some of the best adventure stories ever written have some sort of twist like this. If they didn’t, then you wouldn’t have the help you need to release everyone

from the mine!”

Barry smiled. “You mean… I can become a hero?”

Frankie looked him over. “Well,” she winced. “With a little work and a lot of imagination, [70’s ‘Ragtime’ MUSIC VAMP IN] I suppose that you could be considered a ‘hero’ of

sorts - but don’t expect anything too grand!”

Barry thought this over for a moment. Although he really wanted to wear a cape and tights, just like other superheroes, he reluctantly agreed that with a body like his - he hadn’t been to the gym for a while - and his rather boring earthly background, there

wasn’t really much point in him expecting anything too much. [RAG MUSIC VAMP OUT BY NOW] Anyway, putting this aside, what Barry and Frankie had to do right now was…

save the day!

“So how are we going to save the day?” Frankie asked, grabbing a black gown from a nearby tree, and ripping out the shoulder pads!

“Well,” Barry replied. “What we must do is storm the castle and get the Countess off the

throne, which won’t be easy as she has a huge bottom… “

“To do that… we will need an army of some sort.” Frankie replied as she tried on her new trouser suit, which fitted like a glove.



“We have to get rid of her once and for all!” Barry continued, sounding all hero-like.

“How exactly are we going to get this ‘army’ together?” Frankie mused. “I mean, Zang’s guards are rough. I don’t want to put a dampener on your plans, but storming the castle is all well and good, but now, and forgive me if I can’t see any others behind the trees,

there’s only you and I!”

“Unless...” [ERMINTRUDE SHORT VAMP] Barry suddenly clicked his fingers. “We feed all the worms we can find with cabbage goulash and use them as our army!”

Frankie was speechless for a moment but then a smile [VAMP OUT] started to spread

across her face. “You know, that’s not such a bad idea!”

Barry puffed out his chest in pride.

Frankie sighed. “It was good, but not that good!”

Barry let his chest sink and then raced outside.

“Where are you going?” Frankie shouted.

“To get more cabbage leaves. You get the pot boiling, we’re going to need lots and lots of goulash.”

“I hope this works,” Frankie muttered to herself. “You can’t just feed us worms any old

slop. I mean, it must be just right. You know, it’s a real liberty asking us to help. After all, we’ve spent years being trodden on by humans, cut up in medical experiments, eaten

by small children... the list is endless. [beat] Still, in for a penny, in for a pound, I’m game for a quest - I just hope that the other worms are!”

Meanwhile, a few miles away…

Ermintrude [Vamp starts here…]

There was a puff of smoke on the horizon and before anyone could say anything clever, the smoke drifted to the front gate of the castle and as the dust and grime died down, a

strange lady stood proud and erect with suitcase in hand.

“I want to see the Countess!” she announced. “Now!”



Song: Ermintrude Mintz

Erm Give me an ‘e’!

Company

‘E’!

Erm Give me an ‘r’!

Company

‘R’ [this is ‘rolled’]

Erm Give me an ‘M’!

Company ‘Mmmmm’

Erm

Give me an ‘I’!

Company ‘I’…

Erm spoken

OK, OK! We’re going to be here all night!

Erm You’ve got the feeling that you’ve seen me before.

You’ve never seen someone this fabulous walk through your door. Well let me tell you baby, I’m the answer you’ve been praying for:

The name is Ermintrude, Ermintrude Mintz.

Erm [spoken] You can see why we’d be here all night with a name like that! Give me a ‘mintz’

Stage direction – other actors – ‘pop’



Erm I’ve come to fix your problems,

I’m your last chance saloon. You need my help lady, yeah you need it soon. It just so happens I come with a fabulous tune:

The name is Ermintrude, Ermintrude Mintz.

Zang [spoken] I don’t need any of your kind of help honey, so you can shake your sweet booty right out

that door! Snapped Zang, adjusting her gusset.

Erm You don’t know that over the horizon

There may be trouble ahead. If I were you, I’d keep my eyes on

Everything this sassy Queen has said. And in the meantime, in your remaining Queen-time,

I’d like it if you and me could be friends. A little quid-pro-quo: I’ve got a lot to give, you know!

A little help from me could pay dividends!

Zang [spoken] I don’t think you get it honey! I’m Countess Mintyball Zang, and I don’t need any help!

Not yours… not anybody’s!

Erm “Oh yes you do,”

Zang

“Oh no I don’t!”

Erm “Oh yes you do,”

Zang

“Oh no I don’t!”

Company “Oh yes you do!”

Zang

“Oh, be quiet. This isn’t panto!”



Erm You want a profit, and you want it quick.

I think I’m starting to get what makes you tick: I’ll make your cabbage mine make so much money it’ll make you sick!

The name is Ermintrude, The name is Ermintrude,

Don’t forget it’s Ermintrude: Ermintrude Mintz!

Meanwhile, back to The Worms… [spoken, over music]

Song: The Worms Have Turned

Everyone [company] When times are hard you have a simple choice: Lie there, take it, or stand up, use your voice.

When life is beating up on you Don’t stand there, you know what to do:

Don’t run, don’t do a three-point turn, Keep it cool – look unconcerned,

Show them everything you’ve learned: Show them that the worm has turned!

Barry

You think you are living in a nightmare? A congregation of giant pink worms!

Frankie

It was you that fed us cabbage goulash!

Barry Don’t go blaming me now, just start talking terms.

[Spoken]

Frankie addressed her friends and after a lively debate, they decided the thing they’d like most was some clothes to cover their pinkness.

Before long Frankie had emptied all the wardrobes,

Found herself a sewing machine

Barry [shouts over that] That’s my mum’s!



Never-mind Emporia Armani, These were the best-dressed worms you’ve ever seen!

Barry

My mum’s gonna kill me when she gets home; They’re all her clothes and dresses you’ve cut up and sewn!

Frankie

I didn’t put myself through this to hear you moan. Now get out there Barry, lead your people

Worms [shout]

Worms!

Frankie They’re all missing Emmerdale!

Tonight’s the chance so seize the moment, It’s you they want, and you alone!

Barry [spoken]

But what am I going to say to them?

Frankie [spoken] Just tell them about the plan to evict Zang from the castle!

In a flash Frankie had pushed Barry before them,

The worms in costume were a sight to behold. Barry summoned up his final shred of courage,

And soon enough the plan to storm the castle was told.

Worm 1 [spoken] Excuse me Mr. Barry! I believe that’s what they call you. On no account can I

countenance going on this quest of yours!

Barry [spoken] Why not?

Frankie

When times are hard you have a simple choice.

Worm 1 [spoken] Oh, and what’s that?

Frankie

Get trampled under-foot or use your voice!



Worm 1 [spoken]

I was going to treat myself to a ‘City-break’ in Milton Keynes!

Frankie Now listen hear, we have our quest. Young Barry’s plan is for the best.

And no one’s going any place, ‘Specially on ‘City-breaks’.

Get in that Countess’s face: Show her that the worms have turned!

Stage direction: Worms groan collectively

Frankie [spoken]

I don’t expect to have to repeat myself, so I suggest that you pipe down and pay full attention to what I’m about to say. Barry’s mother and father have been taken back to

the cabbage mine to work extra hours there. This is not on!

Stage direction: Worms cheer

Before long the worms had it together, Were mission-ready and raring to go,

Waiting for a plan both brave and clever, So, Barry cleared his throat and said ‘here’s what I know’:

Barry [spoken] We get going.

Worms [spoken]

Yes

Barry [spoken] We head towards Castle Mint.

Worms [spoken]

Yes

Barry [spoken] We decide what to do when we get there.

Stage direction: Worms groan.

They gathered their belongings and off they went, Some twenty miles before them to the battlement.



Barry [shouts] Are we ready?

Stage direction: Worms cheer.

Barry

Time to move, time to shake

Frankie We’ve got a minty-ball to break

Company [all except actor 5]

Show the toffs where we’re concerned, These giant newly well-attired pink worms have turned.

Spoken

Meanwhile, in a place which has little or no relevance to this story, a man called Egbert Von Winklestraza had decided that the work of William Shakespeare was irrelevant and

had no greater place in history or our educational system than the work of Ethel Dingbat, an elderly lady who was currently residing at Summerfield Old People’s home.

Although Ethel had been writing for many years, she had never found a suitable publisher for her efforts. Her greatest work, which Egbert thought ‘divine beyond

recognition’, was that of an ant which crossed Ethel’s path in the games room one sunny afternoon last August. The story had to be read to be believed. [MUSIC STARTS]

The Cabbage Mine Ermintrude had asked to see the infamous cabbage mine. She was most shocked,

when she saw the dreadful conditions under which the people were working.

Group 1 [company] When you work for the Countess down the mine,

You forget your dreams, you cross a line. You’re a number – a cog in her machine,

And the guards are the nastiest you’ve seen When you work in your chains from dawn to night, You can see how things might not look too bright.



Group 2 To improve the cabbage count the Countess had the bright idea

To operate the cabbage mine each day of every year. The people worked in chains and shackles:

All they knew was misery and fear.

Zero-hour contracts, ninety-seconds for a toilet break and no pay during the fifteen-minute lunch allowance. Sounds like an online retail warehouse!

Group 1

When you work for the Countess down the mine, You forget your dreams, you cross a line. You’re a number – a cog in her machine,

And the guards are the nastiest you’ve seen When you also work, from night to dawn,

You can see how you’d wish you’d not been born.

Group 2 To take things one step further, Countess Mintyball decreed The mine would work all night as well, to optimize its speed.

More cabbages were needed And nothing could satisfy her greed.

She was taken along one of many the long tunnels, to a small office. There she was introduced to the most obnoxious and revolting woman she’d ever met, other than Zang of course. The woman’s name was Jane Stevenson [pause, MUSIC BUTTON], and she oversaw the mine. She was dressed in a crushed-linen suit, wore a large white hat and

drank copious amounts of Zumbug Slings (a sort of cocktail), every chance she had.

Now it was clear to Ermintrude this woman didn’t like her, but she kept her cool and listened to Stevenson’s continual barrage of derogatory comments, which sounded like

those of a repressed fishwife who really wanted to be a singer at the Royal Opera House.

“Why are the people working so hard?” Ermintrude asked with concern in her voice.

“Because I tell them they have to,” Jane replied curtly. “And because Lord

Snuzzlebucket is having a feast tomorrow night and needs uber quantities of cabbages - they’ve become something of a delicacy you know!”

Ermintrude ignored the false bravado in Jane’s voice. “But they’re just cabbages!”



“You’re obviously out of touch!” Jane snapped. “Cabbages have become the finest food for those who can afford them. They have replaced even caviar as the food of the

‘super-elite’!”

“I think you’re deluding yourself,” Ermintrude replied quietly, thinking to herself that these people were indeed as terrible and horrible as she had thought they might be. But

again, she said nothing and just nodded.

“I will show you the mine and you can report to me on how we can increase productivity,” Jane ordered.

Ermintrude stepped forwards. “I’d like to see the mine for myself, as long as that’s

alright with you?”

She gave Jane the biggest smile she could muster, which must have been big, as it worked, and Ermintrude went off to look around for herself. Little did the guard know

that as she walked by him, she lifted a key from his pocket, the key which opened the locks on the chains which the workers were forced to wear. [Music Q]

Meanwhile, back in the castle…

Song: The Mintyball Fanfare

Company [all] Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty

Minty Minty Ball, Minty Minty Ball

Minty Ball, Minty Ball

Zang [spoken] Quiet… for goodness sake…

It’s ‘Countess Mintyball

Company Zang’!

Lord Snuzzlebucket slithered into the throne room. He was one of the few courtiers that

Zang had retained… anyone who spoke against her had been booted out! Zang was, as always, sitting on her throne, and pulling the leaves from a cabbage,

which wasn’t as perfect as the rest. The Countess looked up from her thought-provoking task and sneered when she saw who it was.



“Oh, it’s you! Have you got my money?” she bellowed at the small, plump, sweaty man, who was wearing a terrible designer suit which he’d picked up in East London on his

last trip there.

“Oh, Countess,” the snivelling wretch grovelled. “I have your money, all counted and ready to give you, [hesitating slightly] but only when I get my delivery of juicy ripe…”

The Countess stood up and bellowed, “How dare you imply that I am not the most

honest person that you know!”

“Well, to be honest...” Lord Snuzzlebucket, or ‘Snuzzy’ as his friends called him, began.

“Enough!” Zang interrupting him. She began to walk down the small set of steps upon which the throne was placed.

As she reached Snuzzy, who was grovelling as low as the lowliest of royals, she

prodded him with her pudgy finger. “Just you remember who’s boss, sonny. You’ll get your cabbages and when they’re delivered you’d better make sure that you have ‘cash-

ola… I don’t give the merchandise away for free you know!”

“I understand, Countess,” Snuzzy grovelled as he backed away and practically crawled through the door as he left the room.

“Yes,” the Countess sneered after him. “Just make sure you do!”

[Music vamp starts] Lord Snuzzlebucket raced out of the castle and down the road to

where he lived. What a repugnant, odious little twerp!

It was then that, much to Zang’s amazement, Ermintrude burst into the throne room, with a can of mint fragrance air freshener…



Ermintrude – song The Air Freshener Song

Bring a little sunshine!

Fabreeze those smells away! Take out all the garbage,

Make it new today! Soon you’ll come to love it, Bright and white and clean,

See what I mean? Clean out all the cobwebs

From cupboard and from shelf! Soon you’ll feel cleaner:

You’ll feel cleaner in yourself. You’ll lose that smell of rat’s wee

Get rid of all those fleas, Air freshener please!

Cleanliness is a habit that becomes one,

When one has self-pride. Dirty corners in hidden places

Show on the face we show the world outside.

Don’t take my word for it; To see is to believe:

With that nasty smell gone, We’ll all be able to breathe. Home is where the heart is,

Yours wasn’t very clean, But now you’ve got a throne room

Fit for a Queen!

“But I am clean!” Zang said very defensively.

It was at that point that a fly, which had been lodged just behind her back tooth, decided that it wanted to leave home and start afresh… it buzzed right out of Zang’s mouth!

Ermintrude just gave the Countess a smile to end all smiles and replied, “Yeeaass! How right you are. Anyway, I can’t stay here and chatter on. I have to come up with new and

interesting ways of increasing productivity!”

[Vamp starts for ‘Striving Montage] “Music to my ears,” Zang replied.

And with that disagreeable thought in mind we move swiftly back across to the woods to our heroes, Barry, and Frankie to see how they’re getting along...



Back to Barry Barry and the worms were travelling across country to Castle Mint as fast as they could. There were no major roads for them to walk and slither along, due to ‘government’ cut-backs and dubious reallocation of funding, so it was taking them some time to get the

Castle. [Music Q]

Song: The Striving Montage

Comes a time when your words must turn to action, Comes a time when it’s do or die, Comes a time when you can’t rely

On the help of others to try, On your wits alone, you must get by.

Gotta keep on striving

Show a bit of determination, Till you find that you’re arriving

At your destination. Gotta keep on going,

Give it grit and perspiration, Till the end you want is showing, namely liberation.

Frankie [spoken]

But Barry, we’ve got to find a way through these woods!

Barry [singing] Gotta put one foot in front of the other.

We’ll get through these woods pace by pace. Gotta look trouble in the face,

Plus, the woods give us thinking space; We’d never start if we never left first base.

Frankie [spoken]

I don’t want to stress you out or anything, but have you thought about what we’re going to do when we get there?

Barry / Ermintrude / Jane [singing]

Gotta keep on striving, Show a bit of determination,

Till you find that you’re arriving At your destination.

Gotta keep on going, Bring about a conflagration,

Till the end you want is showing: That is preparation.



Frankie [singing]

What in the world are you going to do When the armies of Zang are bearing down on you?

I don’t think that you’ve got a clue: And that would be fine and dandy and fine old champagne brandy

If you weren’t leading an army of giant pink worms in trouser-suits too!

Stage direction: Worm hubbub

Barry [spoken] Ladies, Gentlemen… Worms! From little acorns mighty, oak trees grow!

The worms sing: [company as worms]

Comes a time when words must turn to action. Now it’s time to move and time to do.

Nothing great was ever conceived Or mighty plan achieved

Standing on the side-lines, it’s true.

Barry [spoken] So, are you with me?

Worms [sing]

Barry, we’re behind you!

Barry and Frankie [singing] Gotta keep your music playing,

Doing all a simple man can, Till you find the world is saying

They wanna join in on your can-can. Before you know it, you’re arriving

At the goal of your operation, Suddenly you find you’re thriving:

Barry [singing]

You’ve arrived at your destination!

Frankie [singing] Cause of all your preparation!

Barry [singing]

Don’t you love that fine sensation



Frankie [singing] The goal of admiration

And the target of veneration

Barry [spoken] I didn’t realise this was a competition!

Company [sung] [all]

Is you!

But they still had to get there!

Their next stop… Darling Wood

Now, Darling Wood was a place where old writers, singers, actors, poets and other ‘creatives’, ended their days as trees and pestered other poor souls who just want to go

there to relax after a hard day’s work. They included the jaded, Arthur Hardwood-Fantasticus, a calypso lounge singer who had decided to take early retirement from

‘The Luscious Lazy Lizard Lounge’ [MUSIC VAMP BEGINS] and live out the remainder of his days singing to those who were willing to listen. The trouble with Arthur’s songs were that they tended to be rather negative, which is not what you want to continually

hear, when you’re trying to unwind with a ‘Zumbug Sling’.

Arthur’s song: ‘What’s the Point?’

What’s the point of being racist, When life’s a pain for everyone.

We might as well all try and get along, Life’s hard enough all said and done.

See that bloke? Looks like he’s happy? He’s wracked with existential pain. Doesn’t matter what your colour is,

For all of us For all of us

For all of us life is a bane.

Barry [spoken] That’s a terrible outlook! What about springtime? Bank-holidays? And falling in love? I

dream of falling in love: there’s a girl down the mine and she’s determined to shatter the glass-ceiling, but those nasty guards won’t let her because of health and safety!



Arthur What’s the point of being sexist? We all get stitched up in the end.

We might as well all stick together, At least that way you’ve got a friend!

We must strive for equality Of pay for woman and for man.

‘Cause most of us all get paid peanuts, And have to scrape by best we can.

Barry [spoken]

So, you’re saying we should put aside our differences?

Arthur [spoken] Yes.

Barry [spoken]

And fight for equality for everyone regardless of religion, or colour, or gender?


Frankie [spoken]

And come together under the banner of how miserable life is?


Arthur

I don’t know How to make a difference;

Where’d you go To be free of prejudices?

Seems to me I’m a like a tree blown in the wind

Barry [spoken]

Why don’t you come with us? On our quest?

Frankie [spoken] Give your life some meaning again.



Arthur [spoken] Oh, I couldn’t!

Barry [spoken]

Why not? What have you got to lose?

Frankie [spoken] Or, you could just sit here complaining about everything that’s wrong with life!

Arthur [spoken]

You’re right!

Arthur What’s the point of sitting bitching,

When there’s a world out there to shape? There’s so much wrong and so much broken,

I’ll go and find the Sellotape.

The sun started to sink, [MUSIC INTRO] and there were only a few hours left before nightfall. Barry walked away from the others, to the edge of Darling Wood, where he

could see Castle Mint in the distance. He knew it would soon be time to leave the now peaceful woods and tackle the grotesque Countess. Frankie noticed the young boy

alone and slithered up alongside him… ‘second thoughts?’

Song: Second Thoughts [Frankie]

Second thoughts are natural, It only shows your human.

After tonight things may never be the same. But there’s a time in your life

When you have to decide if you’ll run or carry on. Barry, we both know it’s gonna take

A lot of luck to see this through, but if you do, if you do… Barry, are you listening to me?

We’ve come this far That’s thanks to you.

We’ve gotta do what we’ve gotta do: We know there’s a chance we may not pull through.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, If you spread your wings, then maybe you’ll fly

And carry us.



Barry comes the day we’re all you’ve got, Make the most of us or not Barry, the choice is yours.

It’s up to you: what will you do?

Barry [spoken] Not second thoughts exactly, I guess I just thought nothing so terrible could happen in

this place.

Frankie [spoken] Times change Barry, Zumbug Munchyville is a very different place to what it was just a

few months ago.

Barry [spoken] You can say that again!

Frankie [spoken, butting in quickly]

Times change Barry…

Barry [spoken, cutting Frankie off…] But what will happen once the Countess is gone?

Frankie [spoken, as an ‘aside’…]

The throne will be a lot lighter.

Barry [spoken] Amen to that, my compost compadre! But I am worried, I really am!

Frankie [spoken]

But seriously, you can’t let these thoughts interrupt your mission.

Frankie Now’s the time, you must decide

If you’ll fight or run and hide. But I know you:

I trust you; I know you’ll do the thing that’s right.

And with that said, they moved on…

END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

Bad Tempered Zang

Song: Looking in the Mirror

Zang Smoke gets in your eyes,

Or so they say. Well that’s another story

For another day, I’ve had plenty blown in mine

Along the way It’s true

Lookin’ in the mirror

Who’s staring back at me? The face that tells the story

Of a life that no one else can see: It’s beautiful and intricate:

It’s true. You can read in the lines on your face

The story of you.

Inside the throne room Zang was in the most frustrated of moods. She had been visited by one of her secret agents, who was disguised as… [beat]

a tangerine.

The ‘orangeness’ of the man’s disguise was blinding to say the least.

“What do you mean he’s escaped?” Zang shouted, but then quietened down when a few of her courtiers passed by the door. Zang smiled an insipid smile at them, which

would have sent even the smallest child running.

The secret agent looked back to Zang and, after watching to make sure that there was no one around, continued. “The prison guards don’t know how it happened! One minute he was under lock and key, without a hope of ever being able to get out, and then the

next... well the next minute he was gone!”

“But how could you let this happen?” Zang snapped. “I have just gotten too used to ruling this place, to have my cousin, who is supposed to be on a quest somewhere,

rock-up and ruin everything!”

“But maybe he won’t come back,” the secret agent piped-up in a hopeful tone.



“Idiot!” She snapped. “Of course, he’ll come back… to claim what’s rightfully his!”

“But, Countess,” the secret agent began. “You said that if the Prince did not return to the

Kingdom within six months then you’d be the one to rule the land!”

“Listen buster, let’s get a couple of things straight. Number one, I prevented him from returning to Zumbug Munchyville. So, I’m out on that count. And secondly, I am not

really the ruler of this country because I haven’t been crowned...”

It was then that Zang clicked her fingers [music vamp begins] and pulled on the cord, beside the throne. The cord told the courtier’s that the Countess wanted to see them…

toute de suite.

Song: Suck on my Minty-Zang [Countess Mintyball Zang]

Zang [sings]

I’ve had a hard life: Everything I have I’ve worked for,

And there is no one gonna take it away. I clawed my way up

From the bottom of the pile To get to where I am today.

And no one’s gonna knock me down, I will be Queen tonight of this town.

So, what you say: will you join my gang? Or will I tell you you can Suck on my minty-zang.

Zang [spoken]

It’s come to my attention there could be an imposter among us.

Zang [sings] Now this imposter

Wants to threaten my succession And sully and defame my honourable name.

But I’ve a plan to kick him Back where he belongs,

Show him that two can play his game. ‘Cause no one’s gonna knock me down, No little toe-rag’s gonna steal my crown. He’s gonna find he’ll go out with a bang

When I am Queen and he can



Suck on my minty zang!

“I have consulted with my advisers and it’s been decided that I should no longer be called Countess Minty-Ball Zang, but… Queen Humbug.

“This will be implemented immediately, with a small ceremony to take place in two

hours’ time.”

Go and get the Bishop! Go and get the Couriers!

Go and tell the people they’ll soon have a new Queen! Everyone must see it:

A TV coronation! Go over to the cabbage mine, set-up a big screen!

Zang [spoken]

Well you wouldn’t want ordinary people missing out… on work, or my coronation. Can’t have our cabbage economy going into recession, can we!

We’re gonna do it right, I will be Queen tonight,

And we will do it by the letter of the law! There’s nothing they can say

To stop me anyway, All I need from them is to bow down and adore!

I’ve had a hard life,

No one’s done me any favours, But work I’ve put in is starting to pay.

I’ve clawed my way up From the bottom of the dung-heap, Collimating in my coronation today.

Now no one’s gonna knock me back, This being Queen-thing is a great-life hack. They’re gonna find they’ll be left with a tang

When I am Queen and they all suck on my minty Suck on my minty

Suck on my ‘Minty-Zang’!

Zang [spoken] Dismissed.

There was a small round of applause… it was a polite round of applause, rather than

one of heartfelt conviction.



“Therefore, I decree that the Bishop of Zumbug Munchyville be called. We must make the whole thing proper and above board!” Zang roared and everyone but the secret

agent left the room.

Zang sat on her throne and sighed. She caught sight of one other person who had also remained. It was Ermintrude.

Zang smiled. “In a matter of hours, I shall be Queen of this land and it shall be written that after the crown has rested on my head, no one shall be allowed to challenge me!

What do you think of that?”

Ermintrude smiled a small smile at Zang, took a couple of steps forwards and bowed. “We’ll see…!”

Zang looked at Ermintrude again and wondered where she had seen this face before.

She turned to her secret agent.

“I want you to find out more about Ermintrude Mintz - find out when she was born… where she comes from. I find her very suspicious… yet familiar!”

“Yes, Countess,” the secret agent grovelled.

“‘Queen’, start calling me ‘Queen’ from now on!” Zang snapped back, and then booted

him across the throne room floor, out the window, and into the garden fountain.

“Goal!” Zang shouted out and then returned to the single thought preoccupying her mind – and that was about becoming ‘Queen’! [Music Q]

The Tiger There’s a tiger in the dead of night,

Stalking silently around us. Never shows himself in the light,

Yet somehow, he has still found us. He has taken all that we held dear, Somehow, we find him enthralling.

He has lost to us those we held near, He is our future calling.



He goes by many names, doesn’t really mind Which of his many alias’s you call him:

He plays many games, unbeatable you’ll find, Especially when you’ve gambled and you’re all in.

There’s a tiger in the dead of night, Some say he’s greed; some says he’s progress.

Cares for money, not the human plight. Better keep out of that tiger’s way

Or you’ll be trampled in the process.

Ready to Storm the Castle Barry and Frankie had reached a small township to one side of Castle Mint. There the

worms split into two groups… one to go off and free the workers from the cabbage mine, the other to storm the castle and get rid of the Countess once and for all.

But as Barry, Frankie and the other worms all took deep breaths and prepared

themselves for the task at hand, it suddenly dawned on them that something had changed. There were more guards around the castle than ever before, and people in

the streets were being searched and questioned. Something felt quite wrong.

Barry managed to grab hold of a small woman, who was walking down the road, who screamed and almost jumped out of her skin! It was after Barry had calmed her down and explained that he was in fact the hero of the story and wasn’t trying to get fresh, that the woman told them that the Countess had heard there was an impostor in the

castle, who was going to reveal themselves as the real Prince and take the throne away from her!

Zang had decided to make herself Queen of Zumbug Munchyville before sundown and have it written in the statute books that no one could contest her right to rule ever again.

Barry and Frankie then realised that their quest was even more important than they’d

both first imagined.

“We’d better get everyone into position as soon as possible,” Barry suggested to Frankie.

Frankie nodded, but then pointed out, “How are we going to get into the castle?” She cast her eyes over the steep sheer walls which seemed impregnable. Barry leaned

forwards from their hiding place and he too could see that the task of getting into the castle was going to be a difficult one. [UNDERSCORE IN]

It was then that a rip-roaring idea came to him. He turned to Frankie. “A catapult!” he

announced.



“What?” Frankie replied.

“A catapult. We’ll use something strong and elastic-like to catapult us through the air and right over the castle wall!”

Frankie just looked at Barry for a moment with a blank expression. “But what do we land on when we get over the wall?” she asked, being very sensible.

Barry was quiet again for a moment and then clicked his fingers as, yet another idea

came into his head. “Worms!” “I don’t have worms!” Frankie said indignantly.

“No!” Barry suddenly stood up, but was quickly pulled down again by Frankie, who could see guards coming their way.

[UNDERSCORE OUT] “Will you just be quiet for a second?” Frankie scolded. As soon as the guards had

passed by, Barry turned to Frankie again and explained.

“No, you don’t understand!” Barry continued. “We’ll use one of the worms as a catapult. We’ll then catapult some of the worms over the wall, as they’re much stronger and

bouncier than humans, and then the others and me can be catapulted over and use the first lot as a cushion to land on. Then we can race to the castle gates and open them so

that everyone from the cabbage mine can help us!”

“It’s a pretty long shot!” Frankie admitted. “And not one that I’m too confident will succeed, [beat] but I’m game so let’s get on with it!”

“Have faith,” Barry, said giving his new friend a gentle pat on the shoulder. “Now which worm are we going to use as our catapult?”

None of them were interested to start with. The very thought of being stretched and stretched and then let go - not just once, but twice, was not high on their individual

agendas of lifetime ambitions. But after a fine and rousing speech from Frankie, a worm called Fiona eventually stepped forwards and agreed to be the catapult.

They sneaked out of the township and to the other side of the castle, where as luck

would have it, the wall was slightly lower. They found two trees and tied Fiona to both, being careful not to make the knots too tight, so that when she catapulted the second load over, she could quickly untie herself and fly over with them. Again, a difficult thing to do, but one which could be achieved with high levels of concentration and precision.

They stretched Fiona back as far as she could possibly go and then the first lot of

worms climbed aboard. Then, on Barry’s signal, when the guards were out of sight, the catapult was let go and a hundred huge worms were sent flying through the air.

Everyone outside the castle was quiet for a moment, hoping that those inside were OK. Tension built up as Barry, Frankie and the others waited, hoping that at least one of the worms would show their pink heads. [UNDERSCORE STARTS] Time was ticking by.



Already the Bishop had arrived at the castle and was preparing for the ceremony.

Then they saw one of the worms waving to them! [MUSIC STING] They quickly made a soft bed for Barry to land on. The others climbed into Fiona’s catapult and they were ready to be shot over the wall. As Frankie gave Fiona the signal, she let go and she,

along with the remaining worms, and one small hero, were sent hurtling over the castle wall in a sight which had to be seen to be believed! [Music Q]

Song: BOING!!!

When you’ve got no umbrella and it’s always raining And the seams of your life are stretched and straining,

Who can you turn to To fetch the glue?

When you’re stuck in the dumps

And you’re feeling lonely, When you’re left in the cold by the one, the only

Person who likes you, What can you do?

Just remember it’s in your power To change your life this very hour If that’s the thing you want most.

You gotta Boing!

Turn your life around! You gotta flip yourself right over

Till you’re standing on more solid ground. You gotta Boing! Over that wall!

Yes, that’s the one you said was too tall! If you can find your Boing today,

Ain’t no one gonna stand in your way

Zang When you’re stuck in your castle and though it’s quite grand,

Life hasn’t worked out quite how you planned, Then you get a sign Things will be fine.

When you start everything, you touch turns to gold,

Everything that won’t sell turns to sold, But then one day

All that’s gone away.



Just remember it’s never too far

Gone to change the person you are If that’s the thing you want most.

Chorus [Barry / Frankie / Zang] So, you gotta Boing! You gotta turn your life around!

You gotta flip yourself right over Till you’re standing on more solid ground.

You gotta Boing! Get over yourself! You’re doing it for the good of your health!

If you can find your Boing today, Ain’t nothing gonna stand in your way.

If you’re gonna find it

You can’t worry what they tell you: People gonna bring you down.

Just dust yourself off, shake yourself down, Take some pride and wear your crown!

Whether it’s a revelation, or a lesson that you’ve learned, Don’t apologise, show them the worm has turned

[all]

You gotta Boing! Turn your life around! You gotta flip yourself right over

Till you’re standing on more solid ground! You gotta Boing! Flip yourself in the air!

You don’t know all the possibilities there! If you can find your Boing today,

Then nothing and no one will ever again Stand in your way!

Barry and Frankie landed safely… they and the others then scurried off into the shadows so as not to be seen. So, the heroes were in the castle and things were moving along as they should be... exciting isn’t it! Now… back to the worms at the

mine...



Something Strange in The Cabbage Mine

When the other party of worms arrived at the notorious cabbage mine, they were about to attack in an unthoughtful, ruffian manner, but were stopped by a prim and erect lady

hiding behind one of the rocks.

“Pppsssstttt!” she called. “Over here! I’m Ermintrude, and I’m here to help!” [Music Q]

They moved closer to the woman, who quickly grabbed all one hundred of them and pulled them out of sight, [Music Q – music out] which was just as well, as at that very

moment the guards came around. Ermintrude turned to them.

“The guards come around every ten minutes,” she whispered. “We cannot be seen until we have managed to secure the mine and take over the office, where the odious Jane

Stevenson is no doubt lurking.”

The name of Jane Stevenson, who was known throughout the land for her nastiness, sent a shiver through all of them!

But this couldn’t be allowed to stop them.

“I have stolen the key to the handcuffs and ankle chains,” Ermintrude informed them. “Together we will help these poor people escape.”

“Barry and Frankie are already in the castle, I hope,” one of the worms informed her. “We were assigned to bring everyone here to help get rid of the Countess as soon as

possible.”

“We have to act quickly,” Ermintrude continued, looking at her watch. “The ceremony will begin in less than an hour. [vamp starts] After she has made herself Queen, she can do what she likes, and we have no chance of ever returning the Kingdom to the what it

was like before all this nonsense!”

“How do you know so much about this place?” the worm asked. “Our informants told us that you come from a place far from here!”

“There are many things you know little of,” Ermintrude assured her. “But more

revelations later. We must free these people first and get to the castle to help Barry and the others!” [Music Q]

And with that thought in mind, Ermintrude quickly told the worms what to do.

They all raced into the mine and quicker than quick… the guards were overthrown.

Ermintrude moved swiftly to where Jane Stevenson’s office was and burst in. [Music Q]



Ermintrude Don’t get up! Why bother?

I know your game. Your number and your time is up

So, sling your hook Jane!

Jane What do you mean Bursting in here?

You’re the one of us two Who should sling your hook, my dear.

Ermintrude [spoken]

You’re really quiet a piece of work, aren’t you?

Ermintrude Zang will soon be on the run, You’ve got nowhere to hide. Just a drunken a ‘has-been’ Who picked the wrong side

Jane

Not so fast, Ermintrude Or whoever you are,

In coming here insulting me You’ve pushed your luck too far.

Jane went to pick up the phone to call the guards, but Ermintrude snatched the phone’s

cord out of the wall before she could.

Jane What do you want?

Tell me then get gone! If it’s my job here, you’re after

You’ll find the gloves are off and the fight is on!

Ermintrude [spoken] It’s not your job I want!

Jane

What is it you want then What single thing?

Work it out while I enjoy Another Zumbug Sling!



Jane Who are you really

Under this false veneer?

Ermintrude You mean to tell me you don’t know?

Jane

I will tell you where to go!

Ermintrude Oh, come on Jane! You’re being slow!

So, no more talk, I’m gonna show You who I am right now and here!

And with that, Ermintrude pulled off her wig. Jane nearly fainted.

Jane [spoken]

What are you going to do to me?

Two worms tied Jane to her chair. Realising time was running out, they left Jane’s office… satisfied they’d had the desired effect!

Ermintrude quickly replaced the wig and left the mine to join the others.

They all raced towards the castle. Were they going to be too late to stop Zang, or were

there other forces that would help them with their quest... [MUSIC STARTS]

Meanwhile, back at the castle, Barry and Frankie split the worms into four parties, each with a plan of the castle and the location of the throne room. They were to meet there in twenty minutes, but no one was to enter. The ceremony was going to take place in thirty

minutes, so time was running out.

It was as Barry and Frankie crept along one of the corridors that they came across the room where the Bishop was preparing himself for the ceremony.

Barry turned to Frankie. [Music Q – music out]

“I have an idea,” [Music Q – music continues] he whispered. “But we have to get the

Bishop!”

Frankie nodded and then, along with four other worms, burst into the Bishop’s chambers and gagged him before he could utter a single word.



The others managed to get to the gatehouse and battle with the guards, who mostly ran away as they weren’t used to seeing giant worms in designer clothing. A few did put up

a brave fight, but it was soon clear that the worms were a lot stronger and more versatile than the guards, who hadn’t had proper training anyway and were more like

playground bullies!

[Sung over the above paragraph]

Got to keep on striving [Barry / Frankie / Ermintrude]

The worms managed to gain control of the gatehouse and just as they did so, Ermintrude could be seen on the horizon, followed by more worms and the workers,

who had a grim look of determination on their faces. It was a look that would have put the fear of goodness knows what into anyone who crossed their path.

[Sung over the above paragraph]

Soon you find that you’re arriving [Jane / Barry / Frankie]

As they marched, others joined them, with pick axes, shovels and other such dangerous looking implements. Soon there were a huge number of people and worms converging

on the castle.

As they entered the courtyard, Zang raced over to her window and saw what was going on. She almost choked on the cabbage leaf she was chewing and raced down to the

throne room as quickly as she could.

Zang Go and get the Bishop!

Go and get the Courtiers! Go and tell the people

They’ll soon have a new Queen.

As she ran, followed by the few guards who’d remained with her, she shouted as loudly as she could. “Get me that Bishop! I want to be a Queen. Tonight! I don’t care what the masses think, I’m going to be Queen of this land, do what I want, wear what I like, and

there is nothing and nobody who is going to stop me!”



The Ceremony

The Countess had ordered the Bishop be brought to the throne room. [beat] She also commanded to bring what remained of her ‘faithful’ courtiers to the ceremony, [beat] so

there could be witnesses to this rather splendid occasion.

The Bishop was dragged in unceremoniously and pushed in front of Zang.

At the same time the courtiers were ushered in, including Lord Snuzzlebucket with his wife - a kindly soul who was getting a wee bit sick of her bossy husband’s antics - there

was going to be trouble!

As the last of the courtiers assembled. [Fanfare] And as the guards were closing the throne room doors, they were suddenly besieged by worms in designer suits.

[Fanfare]

The guards went all out to stop the worms breaking through, and in the nick of time they managed to push the doors shut and lock them. No matter how hard the worms pushed

and shoved, they just couldn’t break through the very thick doors.

“Ha!” Zang shouted. “They’ll never be able to get through! Get on with it Bishop and don’t dilly dally around with all the preliminary stuff, just get to the bit where you say that

I’m Queen!”

“But I must perform the proper and full ceremony, Countess,” the Bishop informed her. “Otherwise you can’t really be Queen.”

“Just get on with it!” [music] Sneering, Zang turned her head and looked longingly at the

crown on its plump, red velvet cushion.

Company [Everyone except Jane] Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty

Minty minty ball, minty minty ball

Minty ball, Minty ball Zang!

Zang

It’s Queen Humbug, you flatulent philatelists.



The banging at the door continued, but alas the worms could not get in. Time was running out...

It was then that Frankie had an idea. [music out] “What about Darling Wood?”

Worms

What about it?

Frankie Well, I’ve heard there’s this entire country that’s powered by moaning.

Worm

It’s called Britain. I went there once on a compost-chewing Spa-weekend. What of it?

Frankie Well, if they can power their whole country with misery and moaning, think what all that

negative energy could do to these here throne room doors!

Worm And what’s that got to do with Darling Wood?

Frankie

Remember our pine-needled pal? Our evergreen esé? … Arthur…?

Worm Now, he was pretty negative!

Frankie Exactly!

Worm

He’s outside in a pot, complaining his root-ball’s too tight…

Frankie Just go and get him…

[music starts]

In a flash, the worms brought forth the potted Arthur Hardwood-Fantasticus.

Frankie

Aaahhh, hello Arthur. How are you?

Arthur Not too…



Frankie [interrupting]

Sorry I asked. We’ve got a rather special task for you.

Frankie We need you to break those doors down,

You’re the only one who could.

Arthur How on earth am I to do that?

Both they and I are made of wood!

Arthur [spoken] You see you need something stronger than those doors to take them out.

Frankie [spoken]

But what if you channelled all your feelings about the world into one laser beam and trained it on those doors? Could you give it a go?

Arthur [spoken]

I suppose I could. Here goes:

What’s the point of ever smiling When no one ever smiles back?

Has that made the slightest difference?

Worm Not the smallest little crack.

Frankie [shouting]

Keep going! Keep going!

Arthur What’s the point of being happy? When the world’s a place of pain.

And most of all the people in it Only have a tiny brain

What’s the point of liking people?

All they do is let you down. So, there’s not much point in smiling,

You might as well stick to a frown.

Worms [shouting] They’re moving! They’re moving!



Arthur

I don’t know why I even bother.

As Arthur continued his assault on the throne room doors, they did indeed start to shake.

Arthur

Seems to be The jokes on me in the end!

Frankie [spoken]

Not even a Daily Express reader could absorb that much misery!

Arthur What’s the point of being born at all?

When you’re only gonna die.

Worm [shout] That’s it!!! Come on Arthur!!!

Arthur

What’s the point of having birthdays? What’s the point of having Christmas? What’s the point of having chocolate?

And with that the throne room doors splintered. Arthur couldn’t help smiling. In fact, he

positively beamed from ear to ear.

Arthur [spoken] I’ve done it! I’ve made something happen!

Meantime, inside the throne room the Bishop continued with his ceremony, which was long to say the least. It was then that Zang became really angry… [beat] she took hold of the book from which the Bishop was reading and threw it out the window, bashing an

unsuspecting starling on the head as it flew by.

However, the book had an ornate book-mark, which caught on the Bishop’s sleeve and as the Countess threw the book, it ripped off the gown he was wearing.

As the gown tore and fell to the ground, everyone - including Zang - gasped as it was

revealed that the Bishop was not in fact a Bishop, but Barry in disguise!

After a moment of assessing the situation, Zang became enraged and took hold of Barry and shook him hard.



Zang

I will be Queen tonight! There’s nothing you can do!

I will be Queen despite All you have tried to do!

Zang [spoken]

Did you really think you could stop me from becoming Queen of Zumbug Munchyville?”

Barry YYYEEEAAASSS!!!! [she shakes him] [Music Q – music out]

It was at that moment that the throne room doors blasted into a million splinters under

pressure from Arthur Hardwood-Fantasticus. [music fanfare]

Everyone raced inside, and the courtiers were soon tied up by the worms.

“PUT MY SON DOWN!” boomed Mrs Braithwaite at Zang.

Zang was a little taken aback that this woman, this mere worker, had spoken to her in such a manner.

“Who do you think you're talking to?” she snarled, grabbing hold of Barry’s shoulders

and shaking him even more violently.

“You,” Mrs Braithwaite continued, pointing her soil covered finger at the Countess. “Your days of nastiness are over Zang!”

“Oh no they’re not!” Zang retorted.

“Oh yes they are,” Mrs Braithwaite replied.

“Oh no they’re not!” the Countess laughed, shaking Barry again. She shook him so hard

that his teeth almost chattered right out of his mouth!

“Oh, for goodness sake, enough is enough!” Mrs Braithwaite was exasperated… she rushed forwards, kicked Zang in the shin and grabbed her son before striding back to

the middle of the throne room. “Are you alright, my darling?”

“Fine thanks mum,” Barry assured her.

“Oh… for goodness sake!” Zang called out, reaching for the crown beside her, placing it on her head and then sitting down on the throne. “I’ve just had about enough of this

nonsense from you lot. I am Queen now and that’s that!”



“Oh no you’re not!” Ermintrude announced as she stepped forwards.

“And who are you to stop me?” Zang laughed. “I have the crown on my head and that’s

enough for me!”

“But the Bishop never finished his ceremony,” Ermintrude pointed out. “And unless he did so, you aren’t the rightful Queen of this land!”

“Oh, humbug!” Zang replied. “Who cares about what the Bishop did and didn’t do? I’ve

got the crown… so I’m Queen!”

“Not so quickly, Zang,” Ermintrude continued, not allowing the Countess to get the better of her. “There’s something that the fair people of Zumbug Munchyville should

know… and I’m going to be the one to tell them!”

“Tell them what?” Zang snorted.

“The truth about the Prince and his quest for the ‘Golden Shoe of the One-Legged Lamb!”

“Just you be quiet about that...”

Ermintrude held up her hand and suddenly the Countess was quiet. “The Prince was

informed of the ‘Golden Shoe of the One-Legged Lamb’ by none other than the Countess herself. There was no such ‘One-Legged Lamb’. The Countess made the

whole thing up just, so she could get her hands on… the throne.”

The crowd just stood there, their jaws dropping as the story began to unfold.

“Zang had the Prince imprisoned outside of Zumbug Munchyville, in a downtown hotel which didn’t even have a plasma super-wide screen, let alone Wi-Fi, with only twenty-

five pounds a week to spend on room service!”

“What a cruel and heartless thing to do!” one of the worms cried out.

“And the Prince of royal descent!” another shouted.

“Yes,” Ermintrude continued. “Zang knew that if the Prince was away for more than six months, he couldn’t return to his kingdom, claim back the throne and place her in prison

as a punishment for her mischievous deeds!”



“Oh, this is ridiculous,” Zang bellowed. “This is just hearsay. The Prince isn’t here, and we know that there is an impostor in the castle. I always suspected you, Ermintrude Mintz, as that impostor and now I have been proven right! Guards arrest this woman and take her away in the deepest dungeon you can find. With a hairdo like that she

deserves to be locked away for good!”

“Not so fast, Zang,” Ermintrude called out as the guards rushing towards her were stopped by the worms. “We need the Prince to prove that this story is true? I can bring

the Prince here, right this instant, and you can hear from his own lips this very upsetting tale of greed and selfishness!”

“More tricks, how can we believe you?” Zang laughed.

“Because there’s more to the story,” Ermintrude continued. [beat] “And I’m going to tell it

to you. The Prince was imprisoned so that you could take control.”

“Lies, all lies!” Zang blurted.

“Are they? Search what’s left of your soul Countess and look at the anguish and upset you’ve caused with your dream of a world addicted to the innocent cabbage!”

There was a round of applause from the people gathered. It was a good speech. “But

your plans were put into jeopardy when the cunning Prince escaped from the prison that you had committed him to.”

“How much more of this is there?” Zang sighed.

“Not much more Countess - you’ll be happy to know we’re reaching the climax!”

“Good… please get on with it!”

“Don’t you worry… I’ll be finished soon. The Prince knew that he would be imprisoned

again if he returned as himself… So, he returned to the castle disguised as...”

Ermintrude whipped off her wig and stood there before the Countess in all her glory! The Countess was shocked… because Ermintrude was not in fact Ermintrude, but the

PRINCE!

There were gasps from everyone present. “Zang, your days of being wretched to everyone are over,” the Prince announced,

turning to the worms. “Please escort this offensive individual to the deepest, darkest dungeon and keep an eye on her!”

“You’ve not heard the last of this!” Zang threatened. “I’ll be back, you can be sure of

that!”



“Not unless there’s a sequel you won’t!” the Prince replied confidently.

Zang was escorted through the relieved crowd and taken away for good. The Prince

took the royal crown off Zang’s head as she passed by and placed it on his own.

Chorus [all minus Frankie] Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty, Hmm minty

Minty ball’s gone, Minty ball’s gone

Minty ball, Minty ball’s gone.

He climbed the steps and sat on the throne, which was most pleased to have someone a little lighter sitting on it.

“I, King Spondatious Rulus Us Wellus, the second, am proud to decree that Zumbug Munchyville is now a free land again and everyone is allowed to return to their farms

and not work in the cabbage mine!”

“But what about us?” Frankie pointed out. “We worms can’t return to what we were before. It’s a one-way ticket for us. Once we have become huge we can’t go back to

being small again… it just doesn’t happen.”

Everyone was quiet for a moment, and then Barry stepped forwards. “Worms like being underground… Well, why can’t the worms, if they want to, be allowed to work in the

cabbage mine?”

The King thought about this. “You’re absolutely right young Barry,” he announced. “If the worms want to, they can take over the mine and run it as their own - as long as they

don’t eat all of the produce, which we need to sell for the good of the country’s economy!”

It was robustly and universally agreed by everyone, something that doesn’t happen very

often.



Music under the previous section

Actor 1 and 5 Zumbug Munchyville is a quiet little place:

Fields of corn, green meadows, And a smile on every contented face

Actor 3

Birds still sing in the tree tops, And everything can pass from year to year the same.

Actor 2 and 5

The people are farming folk, who mostly till the land.

Actor 1, 3 and 4 No EU regulations or interfering government hand.

People love this place they live in, Zumbug Munchyville is its name.

“Now, Barry,” the King mused to himself. “Your bravery is indeed worthy of some sort of gift. What shall I give you?” Barry was silent. He didn’t expect this and wondered what glorious gift would be bestowed upon him. “I know,” the King clicked his fingers. “You

can have a free bus pass! How about that?”

Barry frowned. “Is that it?”

The King was silent again and then sighed. “Alright, you can have twice your weight in gold and be first in line to the throne after me!”

Barry was much happier with this present and he, his parents and everyone else, were

given a great feast.

The worms were invited and there were lots of speeches of thanks for all the help that everyone had given to save the land.

However... no one noticed that Lord Snuzzlebucket escaped when the worms took over the castle, and had quickly returned home. He was terribly angry about how things had

turned out and became so furious that do you know what happened next?

No?



Well, I’ll tell you. He went so red with anger - that he turned green! Not only did he turn green - after a huge explosion, he turned into the biggest, lip-smacking cabbage that you’ve ever seen, and his wife, who was so tired of him, ate the vegetable right there

and then!

After a final swallow, she licked her lips, wiped her mouth delicately with a neatly pressed white napkin and, after collecting her thoughts ... went off to play tennis with

her friend Joan, who has a cracking good backhand. [MUSIC STARTS]

Music to go under the previous section

Actor 1 and 2 The babbling brook consoles the weeping willow,

Lover’s look into each other’s eyes and coo; Blackbird took the soft moss for his pillow.

Actor 3 and 5

Yes, Zumbug Munchyville’s the place where dreams come true.

Actor 1 and 4 Zumbug Munchyville is a quiet little place, Zumbug Munchyville is a quiet little place.

Actor 2 and 3

Zumbug Munchyville

Actor 1 and 2 Zumbug Munchyville

Actor 1 and 4

Zumbug Munchyville.

Back at Castle Mint, now the excitement had died down, Barry and Frankie were finally alone in the Great Throne-room. Everyone else was preparing to get home from the

castle at last. There was a lot to do now they had rescued Zumbug Munchyville, but all agreed the first thing they needed was a goodnight’s sleep - or probably two – before

they got started.

Barry had a strange feeling, like all the excitement of the last few days had evaporated. They had achieved everything they set out to do, and just in the nick of time. Frankie

noticed the change in Barry’s mood and asked, “You OK, pal?”



“I guess so Frankie. I suppose I never thought the excitement of our mission would ever come to an end. I can’t wait for the next one!”

Frankie smiled a kindly smile, and realised it was up to her to find a way to say

‘goodbye’ to her extraordinary young companion.

Frankie’s Farewell

You have to go your way, Even though the parting might be hard,

Even if you feel deep in your heart of hearts You don’t want to start

The onward journey from this place. You won’t break apart –

If you have love you’re stronger than you know, And you’ve got love enough to go

Anywhere the world should care to take you to ‘Cause in the end, Barry,

It’s all down to you.

Barry [spoken] What do you mean, ‘our parting’? This can’t be goodbye – we’ve only just started to get

to know each other.

Frankie [spoken] Oh Barry, sometimes life just throws folks together to do a job. Then, when it’s done,

they go back to their own lives. It doesn’t mean you have to forget all about them.

Frankie It won’t break your heart,

Just think of the adventures that we’ve had: You can look back and be glad

On rainy days and days when you feel blue. You came through Barry, And that’s all you can do.

Company [Zang, Ermintrude, Jane]

You’ve got to take the step, Nothing ever starts by looking back.

If you’re down and out and days are dark and night is black, Re-group and attack



Frankie It’s darkest just before the dawn.

Go on make a start: If you have love you’re stronger than you know.

And you’ve got love enough to go Anywhere the world should care to take you to

Company echo [as above]

You know you do

Frankie ‘Cause in the end Barry,

Life is…

Company Down to you.

Barry

I miss the way we lived before: Life was much simpler, or so it seems. Perhaps, through the eyes of a child,

It’s hard to tell what is real life and what is dreams. I dream of running through our orchard,

Pockets full of apples to our cottage door. I dream: life’s not that simple anymore.

[Music under-score to the end…]

Big Ron wiped the spaghetti sauce from his mouth and placed some money on the

table. I just watched him, not saying a word.

“There’s a story for you kid,” he sighed. “Write it if you want to, it’s all yours!”

And with that he walked out of the diner… and I never saw him again.

A few months later I heard that he’d been eaten by cabbages on the planet Troil, but these were just rumours… [beat] and one can never truly believe what one hears…

[beat]… now can one!

THE END

Book © Simon James Collier 2018 • Music &a

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Transcript of Book © Simon James Collier 2018 • Music &a