BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION FOR YOUNG COUPLES IN A LOCAL CHURCH

by

Evgeny Bakhmutsky

A RESEARCH PAPER

Submitted to Dr. David Mappesin partial fulfillment of the requirements

for the courseTHE CENTRALITY OF SCRIPTURE: MP2

at Baptist Bible Seminary

Clarks Summit, PennsylvaniaMay 2012

TABLE OF CONTENTS

LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS iv

Chapter

1. INTRODUCTION 1

2. BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION 5

What does God think about conflicts? 6

The nature of conflicts 7

Biblical examples of people who didn’t resolved conflicts10

3. SCRIPTURAL EXAMPLES CONFLICT RESOLUTION 26

1 Peter 3:8-9 26

Ephesians 4:25-32 31

4. WHAT CULTURALLY PREVENT YOUNG COUPLES FROM HAVING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IN RUSSIA 38

5. PRACTICAL IDEAS ON RESOLVING CONFLICTS 42

How to avoid conflict 42

How to resolve conflicts 43

Practical tips 45

Appendix

1. CONVERSATION STARTERS 50

2. QUESTIONS FOR CONVERSATION 52

3. WEEKLY CONNECTION TIMES WITH YOUR SPOUSE 54

4. MONTHLY PLANNING TIMES WITH YOUR SPOUSES 55

5. PRACTICAL WISDOM FROM THE BOOK OF PROVERBS 59

BIBLIOGRAPHY 66

LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

The issue of biblical counseling for young families is

quite relevant today in Russian evangelical churches,

particularly in the area of communication and conflict

resolution. There are several reasons for this:

1. Many young people joined church recently and do not have

Christian background and education. Therefore, they require

special care in the first years of their marriage.

2. Besides, they just started the process of building

relationships in a marriage. They have got

-New status

-New relationships

-New duties, etc.

All of this affects the family climate and forms the basis

for potential family conflicts.

3. Society does not encourage young couples in building

good family relationships. There are few examples to follow.

And the situation is getting worse.

For instance, today’s divorce rate in Russia reached an

unheard of number.

1

In 2011 Russia ranked first in the list of countries with

greatest number of divorced people in the world1. Each year

U.N.O. publishes its Demographic Yearbook. In Russia there are

5 divorces per 1000 people. This is the highest rate in the

world.

For comparison in USA it is 3.4 divorces per 1000 people.

Besides, Russia is followed by Belorussia, Ukraine, and

Moldova.

Think of it, of 140mln people living in our country 1.5mln

are divorced. Besides, these people have children, parents,

relatives, and friends – thus actual number of people affected

by the problem is much greater.

Divorces in our society resemble an epidemic. One could

hardly find anyone who was not either directly or indirectly

involved in these sad circumstances.

According to official statistics every second marriage ends

in divorce. A decade earlier it was every third marriage. For

e.g. in Moscow for every 10 marriages there are 5-6 divorces2.

1 «Russia jas become world number one in devorce rate», http://www.rosbalt.ru/main/2011/01/18/809731.html (accessed May 10,2012)2 According to divorce statistics, main reasons for divorce are: addiction of one of the spouses (alcohol, drug) – 31%, poor living conditions of the young family – 21 %, adultery – 20%, violence – 15%. 50% of Russian citizens believe absence of love is a valid reason for divorce, 31 % believe it is valid even if there are children. - http://zastupnik.org/novosti/13189.html (accessed May 10, 2012)

2

Divorces are more frequent in age group from 18 to 35.

Therefore, it is young couples who are at the maximum risk3

#Yeats %

Less than 1 yr 3,6

1-2 yrs 16

2-4 yrs 18

5-9 yrs 28

10-19 yrs 22

Core than 20 yrs 12,4

The situation is no better with the unregistered civil

marriages.

According to the social surveys civil marriages rarely last

longer than 5 years. They either end after 2-3 years or the

couple proceeds to official registration4.

Nowadays in Russia for every 100 marriages there are 80

divorces5.

4. This is why Christian families experience pressure from

the surrounding community and not everyone withstands.

Unfortunately while in previous generations divorce amidst 3 Statistics on time couples stay together - https://sites.google.com/site/obsestvoznaniesch88omsk/home/sociologia/sociologia-semi-i-braka/statistika-brakov-i-razvodov-v-rossii (accessed May10, 2012)4 «Divorce statistics in Russia» - http://razvod66.ru/statistics_of_divorce.php (accessed May 10, 2012)5 «Why not to divorce» http://strelkina.ru/index/kak_izbezhat_razvoda_ili_stoit_li_razvoditsja_stranica_2/0-36, http://www.vokrugnovostei.ru/news/news6562.html (accessed May10, 2012)

3

Christians was exceptional and practically did not exist,

today we encounter this phenomenon in Christian churches more

often.

One of the major underlying causes of divorces is the

problem of communication. All latest surveys relating to

family conflicts point to this.6.

Wayne A.Mack notes it by saying7:

«Wherever you find marital failure, you will find a

breakdown in real communication. Wherever you find marital

success, you will find a good communication system»

What is more the institution of marriage was designed by

God for communication. Jay Adams notice it in one of his book

when he was answering the question what is marriage. He

writes8:

«God’s answer we found in the book of Genesis - 2:18.

«It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make

him a helper fit for him.»

In other words, marriage was created for resolving

loneliness problem of Adam. He was alone and God says that

6 Shiryaeva E., Sidorova S., «Psychological reasons for family conflicts»- http://www.rae.ru/forum2012/12/556 (accessed May 10, 2012)7 Wayne A. Mack, Strengthening your marriage. (P & R Publishing; 2 edition,June 1, 1999), 568 Jay Adams, Marriage, divorce and remarriage. Odessa, Publishing house «Tulip»,2007), 33

4

it’s not good. So that the essence of marriage is in

communication»

In a day when multitudes of marriages end in divorce, God

has given Christians the governing principles and guidelines

for marriage. When we apply godly living and obedience to our

marriages, we can experience a happy and enduring marriage

relationship.

Marriage is never a one way street. It constantly takes

adjustment and work. When God’s guidelines are followed, a

marriage can be a blessing, instead of a blight, a triumph

instead of a tragedy.

Marriage can actually be an exciting, fulfilling, and a

most rewarding experience in life. A successful marriage is

not a gift; it is an achievement.

5

CHAPTER 2

BIBLICAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Conflicts are not something alien or strange to a family

life. Presence of our sinful nature itself would not allow us

to escape conflicts.

Mark Driscoll says in his new book about marriage9:

If you are married, you will have conflict. You cannot avoid it because marriage is an unconditional commitment toan imperfect person.1 sinner + 1 sinner is not 0 conflict»

9 Mark & Grace Driscoll. Real Marriage: the truth about sex, friendship andlife together (Thomas Nelson (January 3, 2012), 86

6

But conflicts can help us to get deeper and better

relationship in we will face and resolve then in a biblical

way. Such process will bring glory to God and allows to bring

new joy into family life. If we would try to deal with

conflicts in other ways instead of biblical - it may ruin our

family and decrease level of our relationship and trust.

Gary & Betsy Ricucci strongly encourage couples try to

resolved conflicts instead of avoiding them. They say 10:

So many couples spend their lives avoiding conflicts. They choose a superficial «peace at any price» - a price much higher than they realize. Acknowledging sin, confessing sin, asking forgiveness, and repenting of the sin that leads to conflict is humbling, challenging, and can be painful. But to the end it brings the grace of God and the restoration of harmony and relational intimacy

This work is designed to define some key biblical

principles which give young couples to develop much better and

more effective communication in their families.

First we will study some biblical examples and some

biblical passages which will show danger and range of problems

unresolved conflicts.

Next part will be devoted to the biblical approach of

resolving conflicts and developing effective communication in

a young family.

10 Gary & Betty Ricucci , Love that Lasts (Crosswat Books, Wheaton, Illinois, 2006), 113-114

7

The final part will describe main today reasons which cause

conflicts in young families. And some practical hints and

ideas will be given in order to prevent or to resolve possible

or present conflict situations.

First, we will need to introduce the definition of a

conflict which will be use in this paper. Famous Christian

mediator and counselor Alfred Poirier gives a such definition

11:

The word conflict conjures all sorts of connotations. For the sake of simplicity, we will define conflict as a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires. That is, conflict results when my desires, expectations, fears, or wants collide with your desires, expectations, fears, or wants. Most important, this definition directs our attention to the heart of much conflict by speaking of those differences that frustrate someone's goals or desires

In relativity, in simple words - conflict means that a

husband and a wife sin against each other - through deeds,

words, attitude. In consequence - working against each other.

What Does God think about conflicts?

Let’s have a look at several passages from the Bible:

11 Alfred Poirier, Peacemaking Pastor, The: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Church Conflict (Baker Books (August 1, 2006), 29

8

1.“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You

shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to

judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with

his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his

brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You

fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire» - Matthew 5:21-22

The conflict in this text is so desperate in God’s view

that it is a good account to be sent to hell because that

conflict carries multiple destruction and terrible

consequences.

2. «So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there

remember that your brother has something against you, leave

your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled

to your brother, and then come and offer your gift» - Matthew

5:23-24

In this passage we can see that the resolution of the

conflict was more important than a gift to God was. That is

why the resolution of a conflict is prioritized and very

important to God Himself.

3.«If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably

with all» - Romans 12:18

9

Therefore God wants us to look for peace (compare with

Rom.14:19; Eph.4:1,3; Heb.12:14

4. «Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with

good» - Romans 12:21

God wants us to do good even for those who sin against us

(compare with Matt.5:44-45; 1 Cor.10:31-32).

That is exactly why it is crucial to find ways of solving

conflicts, especially if they are family conflicts. That is

God’s command and the basis for joyful family relations.

Unfortunately, not every family couples understand this and

they do not solve their conflicts. It leads to very deplorable

results.

The nature of conflicts (what causes conflicts)

1.Discrepancy of Opinions

For instance, between Paul and Barnabas. Barnabas thought

about giving another chance to Mark, as for Paul, he thought

it was not worth of putting a threat on their expedition

because of one man who had already let them down before (Acts

15:37-40).

10

2.Offending Words or Actions

«When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but

whoever restrains his lips is prudent.» - Prov.10:19

Conflicts often start with offending words or sarcasm.

•«Honey, I’m sorry for being late. I’ve been delayed at

work» - «If you were to chose you would never return»

•«Sweetheart, I just came in a second ago and realized

that I had forgotten to buy some bread» - «I wonder how

come you had not forgotten to clean up your mind?»

3.Arrogance and Carnal Nature (Gal.5:19-21; James 4:1-3)

Gal. 5:19-20 «Now the works of the flesh are evident:

sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery,

enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries,

dissensions, divisions»

It is ok to disagree with someone but when you put a lot of

emotions in it that what may lead you to some issues. When

your disagreements are spiced up with insolent words or

hurtful actions they are caused conflicts.

11

Different opinions and disagreements are acceptable, as for

conflicts - never. The difference between disagreement and

conflict is the emotional part.

Do not justify your proneness to conflicts by saying that

you are very emotional person. We need to learn how to control

our emotions. It is more difficult to do if you are emotional

and a bit easier if you are a quiet person. To control our

emotions is a MUST for each and one of us.

James 4:1-3 «What causes quarrels and what causes fights

among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war

within you? (Passion is a fleshly/carnal desire to do anything

the way you want it to) You desire and do not have, so you

murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.

You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not

receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your

passions».

Self-indulgence + Unwillingness to Comply = Conflict

Thoughts that lead to a conflict.

•It is simply stupid!

•It is going to be my way nevertheless!

•How could she!

12

•Nobody can treat me like that!

Thoughts that could help to avoid a conflict.

•What she is saying is partially right...

•It is not necessarily to be my way

•I need to pray for her

•How can I honor her?

Benefits from Thinking Differently and Disagreements

1.They make us study the Scripture more deeply (Psalm

118:71-72).

2.They help us to think back of what we genuinely think,

what we believe in and why we believe (Proverbs 15:28).

3.They help us to interact more efficiently (Ephisians

4:25).

4.They cause patience and matureness (James 1:2-5).

5.Due to some disagreements we can make each other better

people (Proverbs 27:17).

6.They strengthen our faith that God is above all

circumstances and guide us to goodness/welfare (Romans 8:28-

29)

13

7.They give us an opportunity to practice our humbleness

and submission, and to serve to each other. (Philippians 2:2-

3, Romans 12:10)

8.They give us capability to love and worship God (1

Corinthians 10:31-32

Biblical examples of people who didn’t resolved conflicts

To understand what makes communication work well, it might

help to understand first what makes it fail. James provides

the answer for that. The straightforward question is asked:

«what is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?»

(4:1). The equally clear answer is: «is not the source your

[hedonistic] pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust

and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and

cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel» (4:1b-2).

As was mentioned before and we need to admit it - the main

reason of family conflict is our selfishness, our egoism.

How we can fight this problem? To please God, to seek Him

as apostle Paul says in the book of Colossians.

«1 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the

things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right

hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on

things that are on earth.» - Col.3:1-214

Our obedience to God’s Word and help of the Holy Spirit by

God’s grace will help us to hit the heart of our conflicts.12.

There are only 2 marriages which remain our of 10 after 10

years of family life in Russia 13. About 2/3 of Russian

families had a divorce experience 14.

These statistics reveals at least three facts about marital

«conflict and communication» in Russia:

•People too quickly merry (first choice in marriage is

usually seen as the best choice)

•It’s not so hard to find a person to marry, but find it

very difficult to remain married to that person.

•People are able to work through pre-marital conflict well

enough to get married, but are unable to work through

marital conflict well enough to remain married

This is what we see at our days in our culture. And we need

to prepare young people and young families not to be trapped

with these things, and teach them how to resolved different

family conflicts.

12 «How to resolve conflicts in a biblical way», http://www.covenantkeepers.org/images/stories/translations/r_ResConflictRussian_Internet.pdf (accessed May 10, 2012)13 «Divorce and its consequences», http://vozrogdenie.my1.ru/publ/brak/razvod_i_ego_posledstvija/1-1-0-3 (accessed May 10, 2012)14 «Remarriage», http://www.riana.kz/classicheskaya-svadba?start=18 (accessed May 10, 2012)

15

Chip Ingram accurately takes notice differences between

God’s plan for relationship in family and what we see or hear

from our society. He puts his observation into the table15:

Hollywood formula ofrelationship

God’s plan forrelationship

1.Find a suitable person 1.To become an appropriateperson

2.To fall in love with him/her

2.To live in love

3.To put all my hope and dream on him/her

3.To trust the Lord and toplease Him in your relatioship

4.In a case of failure tryagain first 3 steps

4.In a case of failure tryagain first 3 steps

We clearly see that worldly philosophy doesn’t encourage a

person to resolve conflicts and try to build a deeper

relationship. This is the reason why our world has become long

time ago already a place filled with divorces and remarriages.

The Bible has many passages which will help to find the

best answers for conflict resolutions. There are many passages

and stories where conflicts were resolved in a good way, also

there are many which show to us how we don’t need to resolve

conflict. Also there are many stories about unresolved

conflicts. We will take a look at some of them.

15 Chip Ingram, Love, Sex & Lasting Relationships, (Kiev: Walk thru the Bille, 2006), 48

16

David and Michal

We will start to illustrate these carnal factors in the

marital conflict between David and Michal16 and Michal’s father

(Saul) and how they further inflamed their marital conflict.

This love story also has an interfering parent (1

Sam.18:21-29).  This is one reason God forewarned parents and

those marrying about leaving and cleaving:

«For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother,

and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one

flesh.» (Gen.2:24, Matt.19:5, Eph.5:31).

This is also a story about couple not cleaving (intimacy of

togetherness) into one flesh and the heartaches that come from

the two carnal factors mentioned by Peter (1 Pet.3:8-9) which

we will study later in this paper.

It looks like Michal's story begins with love. The narrator

tells us that “Michal, Saul's daughter, loved David” (1

Sam.18:20). David was Michal’s first love. 

David was completely irresistible as an unfailing winner of

all battles and a national hero of Israel and Judah (1 Sam

18:16). At the same time his ever-growing popularity was a

threat to the king Saul, Michal’s father. Saul was madly

16 Michal (heb. לללל) was a daughter of Saul, first King of Israel, who loved and became the wife of David (1 Samuel 18:20-27)

17

jealous (madly, indeed) of David’s fame and treated the young

soldier with paranoid suspiciousness. Such an air of danger

and adventure about David was the more attractive to Michal.

The story begins like a fairy-tale: here is a Princess and a

charming Knight. But you and I know that the maladies will

follow for he is a competitor of the King, her very father.

Instead of a malicious step-mother dreaming of Princess’ death

we have a blood-thirsty father seeking to devour the budding

Prince.

Michal was the youngest of Saul’s five children (1

Sam.14:49). She appears on the Biblical scene when David hits

national top charts of heroes by slaughtering Goliath, the

giant Philistine warrior who mocked Israel troops and

threatened to turn them into slaves (1 Sam. 17:8-9). Saul has

already offered David his older daughter Merab as a wife as a

reward for his valiance and triumph over the naughty enemy.

Deep in his heart Saul hoped to hold power over David through

their family ties. David refused the offer by humbly pointing

out that his shepherd breed prevents him from grafting into

the royal tree. Such humbleness was definitely very appealing.

So, courageous Michal dared to disclose her deep feelings for

David.

18

The remark of Michal loving David (1 Sam. 18:20) is the

only explicit phrase in the Bible on a woman’s love for a man.

She seems to be a strong-willed lady used to get what she

wanted – and now she wanted to marry David. She may have told

herself that having turned down her older sister, Merab, David

will definitely find her irresistible.

Saul was full of joy when he learned of Michal’s love for

David (1 Sam. 18:20). It was not the wellbeing of his daughter

that caused his joy – it was his chance to put David out of

the way while Michal would play a role of his unconscious

accomplice as David’s bride. Saul agreed to this marriage

expecting its expiration before the start – for David would

surely be killed by Philistines while on his hunt for ransom

for the bride – a hundred of Philistines’ foreskins.

Saul was an extremely self-enamored man with a head swelled

so much that he craved for constant applause and approval and

couldn’t stand someone else getting any attention and honors.

He didn’t sympathize with his own children. His own future

concerned him far more than his daughters’. Michal was an

instrument he used to achieve his own goals, namely, David’s

demise. He didn’t bother if his plan would cause great

suffering to Michal. He didn’t care if his daughter would

19

forever blame herself for her lover’s death knowing he died

trying to satisfy her father’s condition of their marriage.

Some scholars suppose, David’s compliance with this

marriage was caused by his own pride and self-conceit. He

might have liked the idea of becoming the king’s son-in-law

and obtaining the power tied to it (1 Sam. 18:26). Joining the

royal family would be a likely career-booster, a further step

leading to the throne which would inevitably be his as was

prophesied by Samuel (1 Sam.16:1-13). It boils down to both

men, Saul and David, using Michal as a mere means of reaching

their selfish ambitious goals17.

To be fair, I should note here that Bible doesn’t

explicitly state David’s motives behind his acceptance of

Saul’s offer and agreement to marry Michal.

God had anointed David to be a king whose name will forever

be entwined with Messiah’s genealogy. Nevertheless, David was

definitely not fail-proof. I am sure he was likely not a

gentle, caring and devoted husband. The Bible reveals him

abusing his power over other people to satisfy his personal

desires.

17 Such understanding was presented in a newly published translated book inRussia from David and Diana Harland, Problematic families in the Bible (Novosibirsk, Posoch, 2011), 128-129

20

Michal’s motives, on the other hand, were probably not

those of an innocent baby, too. If she marries David, and

David becomes a king, then she becomes a queen. It could be an

appealing perspective to her. We can’t know for sure. We might

as well suppose her love for David was as sincere as

Jonathan’s love. David risks his life before he marries her,

and she will risk hers to save him later.

Saul’s deadly plan failed and he was bound to wed his

daughter to his worst enemy. His youngest daughter’s marriage,

a happy event in most of the families, was an onset of Saul’s

new attempts to get rid of his son-in-law. Saul once more

demonstrates his ultimate disregard of Michal’s feelings. He

sent his slaves to kill David in his daughter’s bed (1 Sam.

19:1). Somehow, Michal sensed the danger and was faced with a

choice whether to side with her father or her husband. She

chose David.

Michal eased him down from her window in a basket so he

could escape. Then she won him time by cheating king’s slaves

and telling them he is ill and bedridden. As a further cover

up, she employed an ancient trick of a fake body in a bed:

under the blanket she placed her stone idol with its head

covered with goat’s hair (1 Sam. 19:12). Ironically, the hunk

21

of stone lying in her bed in David’s place symbolizes the kind

of a husband David will be to her. It also tells up a lot

about her spiritual condition.

We don’t know what the last conversation between David and

Michal was before their parting. Were they swearing of eternal

love to each other? Was he promising her to come back and get

her?

In addition to being abandoned by David running from Saul’s

anger, Michal was left to face her father’s full-blown fury.

Trying to avoid the conflict she lies ones more: "He said to

me, 'Let me go! Why should I put you to death?'" (1 Sam.

19:17).

To Saul, David’s flight meant legal divorce. Saul had an

exclusive right to give her to anyone he wishes and so he gave

her to Palti (1 Sam. 25:44). She had no choice and no chance

to voice her opinion on her own destiny.

Some time passed, and upon Saul’s death David finally

became a king. But the Northern tribes loyal to Saul bothered

him. Looking for a way to win the submission of the North

David decided to reunite with Saul’s daughter. Thus, Saul’s

line would be joined with David’s and would produce a legal

offspring with a rich political heredity by being a child of a

22

present king and a grandchild of a former one. Michal once

again fell victim to David’s political games.

During a negotiation with Saul’s weakening leaders David

demanded Saul’s daughter, his wife ransomed with a hundred

Philistine foreskins, to be brought back to him. He called her

“Saul’s daughter” which stresses the fact that she interested

him only as a political tool. David was about to strengthen

his power, not to reclaim his first wife who loved him to the

point of risking her life trying to save him from her father’s

rage. At the moment, David had six wives and six sons born to

them (2 Sam. 3:2-5). Michal’s comeback was solely a political

move18.

The only survivor of Saul’s house, Ish-bosheth, in a feeble

attempt to please David betrayed his own sister plucking her

from the arms of her new husband. Wailing Palti followed the

abductors hoping against hope that they will let her go back

to him. It was clear he loved her. But his devotion was

nothing in comparison to the sovereign will of David who was

determined to put her back into his ever-widening harem.

Palti’s case proved Samuel’s words to be true: a warning of

the harm a king would bring upon Israelites if they put him as

a ruler instead of God (1 Sam. 8:11-18). David acted against

18 Ibid., 130.23

the law: Moses’ Law was clear on the case of a man divorcing

his wife (David abandoned Michal all right. He cared for his

own parents enough to move them closer to his house, but

failed to rescue his legal wife). The wife should not be

reclaimed back into the wedlock with him (Deut. 24:1-4). The

law was aimed on guarding against the situation when the

former husband ruins a new family. There is another God’s

command he broke – for a king to keep from multiplying the

number of his wives (Deut. 17:17).

The text is silent on Michal’s feelings about her

abduction. She barely could have wanted to get back to David.

His violence is outrageous – he trampled people’s rights and

feelings for his selfish desires. He was determined to return

evil for evil and insult for insult (2 Sam.6:15-23; Prov.16:2,

17:13, 20:3).

 Nothing is said about them being reunited. In the past

Michal saved David’s life by helping him escape from Saul’s

slaves. Now David stole her new life, a promise of happiness

with an affectionate husband who, sadly, was defenseless

against the royal power.

This love story ends in sadness and despair:

1.«she despised David in her heart» (2 Sam.6:16)

24

Missing from the procession bringing the ark to Jerusalem

was “Michal daughter of Saul” (v. 16), who viewed the

festivities from a palace window. It is unclear why Michal was

absent from the event, since other women were permitted to be

present (cf. v. 19), but the tone of the passage suggests that

it was due to her jaded attitude toward the Lord and his

anointed; previously she had been connected with the use of a

teraphim, an object considered an abomination to the Lord (cf.

1 Sam 15:23; 19:13). Michal could have resented David for

forcing her to leave Paltiel as well (cf. 3:14–16). During the

triumphal moments when the ark passed through the streets of

the royal fortress, David’s unbounded enthusiasm for his God

expressed itself in “leaping and dancing before the Lord” (v.

16). His enthusiasm was not appreciated by Michal. In her

attitudes and actions she was truly a “daughter of Saul” (vv.

20, 23) and not a wife of David.19

2.«and Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day

of her death.» (2 Sam.6:23, Prov.14:10).

Whereas the people responded to David’s leadership

enthusiastically, David’s own wife rejected it. She despised

her husband for his humility before the Lord. He had behaved

19 Bergen, R. D. (2001). Vol. 7: 1, 2 Samuel (electronic ed.). Logos Library System; The New American Commentary (332). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.

25

as a servant of God. She thought he should have behaved in a

more distinguished manner. David promised her that the Lord

would give him distinction. He did not need to claim that for

himself.

The honor of Yahweh was more important to David than his

own dignity. In this he set us all a good example. As a result

of her attitude toward God and His anointed, Michal suffered

barrenness the rest of her life. This was, of course, the

opposite of fruitfulness and fertility that result from

responding properly to God and His anointed.

It may be that God shut Michal’s womb as a judgment on her

for her attitude. I think it is more probable, in view of the

record of antagonism that precedes verse 23, that we should

infer that David had no more intimate relations with her. He

had other wives and concubines, and he could have fulfilled

his sexual desires without Michal. If this interpretation is

correct, we have here another instance of David failing God in

his family relations. He should have taken the initiative to

heal the breach in his relations with Michal that this chapter

records and not to have allowed them to continue. Even when we

are right, as David was, we must be sensitive to the feelings

26

of those who are wrong, as Michal was, and seek to resolve

interpersonal conflicts.

«The writer . . . does not question the historically

crucial fact of David’s divine election, so prominently

stressed by the king himself at the beginning of his speech;

but theological rights do not necessarily justify domestic

wrongs, and the anointed monarch of Israel may still be a

harsh and unfeeling husband to the woman who has loved him and

saved his life.»20

Marital conflict fought «in the flesh» (carnality of our

sinful nature) (1 Cor.3:1-3; 1 Pet.2:11) has been described

as two snakes taking each other by the tail and swallowing

each other. Paul warns about this danger in (Gal.5:15) «But if

you bite and devour one another, take care lest you be

consumed by one another.» (See also Prov.19:11)

2.Adam and Eve (Genesis 3)

20 Tom Constable. (2003; 2003). Tom Constable's Expository Notes on the Bible (2 Sa 6:12). Galaxie Software.

27

Adam and Eve’s marriage is another example of poor

communications and unresolved marital conflict in a family

that resulted in painful consequences.

The Bible does not specifically say so, but the honeymoon

for Adam and Eve probably lasted much longer than a month.

Only God knows how many days, months or years of pure ecstasy

lie between chapters 2 and 3 of Genesis. But for sure, no

human relationship ever surpassed theirs in those early days

for sheer joy and delight. It was, without a doubt, the

perfect marriage.

They had a wonderful beginning. If ever a marriage was made

in heaven, this one was. It was perfectly planned and

perfectly performed by a perfect God.

First of all, the Lord sculptured Adam (Gen. 2:7). Adam had

a flawless physique and ruggedly handsome features. He was

made in God’s own image (Gen. 1:27) that means he had a

Godlike personality— intellect, emotions, and will. He

possessed a brilliant mind, undiminished by sin. He had

faultless emotions, including tender and totally unselfish

love, like the love of God. He had a will that was in complete

harmony with the purposes of his creator - what women,

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wouldn’t like to have a man like that: physically, mentally,

emotionally, and spiritually perfect

Next God formed Eve (Gen. 2:21-22). Adam must have gazed at

Eve with awe and appreciation. This was God’s creative genius

at its best, unblemished grace and beauty fashioned by the

hand of God, Eve had to be the most gorgeous creature who ever

walked the face of the earth, like Adam, she was made in

God’s image; her mind, emotions, and will were unaffected by

sin what man wouldn’t go for a woman like that

Adam quickly recognized Eve’s similarity to himself

(Gen.2:23) - no special revelation from God was needed for

Adam to knew that Eve was made from him: she was part of him;

she was his equal; she was his complement and counterpart, she

ended his loneliness and filled his life with happiness, she

was exactly what he needed, and nothing brought her more

satisfaction than the knowledge that he needed her. They found

intense and indescribable pleasure in each other’s company

Their home was located in Eden, the perfect place (Gen.

2:8). Eden was a luscious green paradise, with every beautiful

and edible growing thing (Gen. 2:9-10). They cultivated the

ground, and their work was totally effortless and enjoyable

side by side they lived and labored in perfect harmony,

29

sharing a sense of mutual interdependence. They possessed a

deep-flowing affection that bound their spirits to each other.

There was an order of authority in their relationship. Adam

was formed first, then Eve (1 Tim. 2:13). Eve was made for

Adam, not Adam for Eve (1 Corinthians 11:9). She was his

helper (Gen. 2:18). In order to be an effective helper she had

to share all of life with him. She did everything a helper

would be expected to do: she assisted him, encouraged him,

advised him, and inspired him. We could say that she did it

with a spirit of sweet submissiveness. Adam never resented her

help, not even her advice; because that is why God gave her to

him. Neither did she resent his leadership. His attitude was

never tainted with superiority or exploitation: how could it

be, his love was perfect. She was someone special to him and

he treated her as such

It was a relationship of perfect purity and innocence (Gen.

2:25). There was no sin in them, there was no strife between

them. They were at peace with God, at peace with themselves,

and at peace with each other. This was truly the perfect

marriage, how we wish it would have lasted.

But something happened that messed up this perfect

marriage: the entrance of sin (Gen. 3:1-7). There is no doubt

30

that the subtle tempter who approached Eve in this historical

account was Satan:

- his first approach was to question the Word of God - Gen.

3:1

-after he questioned God’s Word, he flatly denied it -

Gen. 3:4

-finally, he ridiculed God and brazenly distorted His Word

- Gen. 3:5

They would know evil all right, but they would not be as

God. In reality the very opposite would be true, because the

likeness to God they did enjoy would be scarred and spoiled.

Satan’s methods have not changed much through the centuries:

the doubts, distortions, and denials. We too fall prey to

them, we can identify with Eve, we know what it is to yield to

temptation.

Satan used the tree of the knowledge of good and evil to do

his sinister work. God placed the tree in the garden to be the

symbol of Adam and Eve’s submission to Him (Gen. 2:17). Satan

sometimes uses good things to lure us from God’s will (Gen.

3:6).

Eve was tempted in all three major areas listed in 1 John

2:16:

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-the lust of the flesh— «good for food»

-the lust of the eyes— «a delight to the eyes»

-the pride of life— «to make one wise»

These are the same areas Satan uses to get us out of sorts

with God and with each other

Instead of fleeing from temptation, Eve flirted with it,

and then took it (Gen. 3:6). She had everything a person could

want in life, but she stood there and allowed her mind to

meditate on the one thing she did not. It brought her happy

honeymoon to an unhappy termination

When we allow our minds to covet material things, God calls

it idolatry (Col. 3:5)

The words «gave also to her husband with her» might imply

that Adam watched her do it (Gen.3:6). Actually ESV translates

more accurately - «she also gave some to her husband who was

with her». Also close context supports this idea. Adam was

responsible for the Fall.

We have no idea why he did not try to stop her, or why he

did not refuse to follow her in her sin. But we do know that

he failed her woefully on this occasion. He neglected to

provide the spiritual leadership God wanted him to provide,

and instead he let her lead him into sin

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What a powerful influence a woman has over her man:

-she can use it to challenge him to new heights of

spiritual accomplishment

-she can use it to drag him to depths of shame

God gave Eve to Adam to be his helper, but her covetous

heart destroyed him.

Together they waited for the new delights of divine wisdom

Satan had promised them

- instead, a horrid sense of guilt and shame crept over

them (Gen. 3:7)

- that’s the way it is with sin, it promises so much and

delivers so little

-it promises freedom, wisdom, and pleasure, but it

delivers bondage, guilt, shame, and death

We see the very painful aftermath. Sin is accompanied by

disastrous consequences whether or not we are willing to

accept the blame for it:

-Adam blamed his part of the tragedy on Eve and God (Gen.

3:12)

-Eve said the devil made her do it (Gen. 3:13)

In much the same way, we may try to blame our marital

problems on someone else. But God held them both responsible,

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just as he holds each of us responsible for our part of the

blame

The consequences were almost more than Adam and Eve could

bear

For Eve (Gen. 3:16)

-the pain of childbirth would be a recurring reminder of

her sin. She would also experience an unquenchable yearning

for her husband, a strong desire for his time, his attention,

his affection, and his assurance. Her need would be so great,

her sinful husband would seldom be willing to meet it.

-the authority Adam possessed over Eve from creation was

strengthened by the word "rule". In the hands of a sinful

man, that rule would degenerate at times to harsh and

heartless domination disregard for her feelings and disdain

for her opinions. Eve was no doubt painfully irritated by the

sting of her sin as Adam drifted farther from her. He paid

less attention to her, and became preoccupied with other

things bitterness, resentment, and rebellion began to settle

in her soul

For Adam

- cultivating the ground became an endless, tedious chore.

Fnxiety over his ability to provide for his family added to

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his agitation and irritability. This made him less sympathetic

to his wife’s needs. As a result, conflict entered their home,

sin always brings tension, strife, and conflict. This became

painfully obvious to Adam and Eve as they stood beside the

first grave in human history. The honeymoon was over

This would be the saddest story ever told if not for a

glorious ray of hope (Gen. 3:15). God promised that the seed

of the woman would destroy the works of the devil, including

the havoc he had made of the home. This is the first biblical

prophecy concerning the coming Redeemer. He has come and His

perfect blood has covered the sins of every human being who

will trust him. He offers to forgive us freely and restore us

to His favor.

He makes available to us His supernatural strength to help

us live above our sin. He can even help us overcome sin’s

consequences in our marital relationships

He can give husbands the same tender love and unselfish

consideration that Adam had for Eve before they sinned

He can give wives the same encouraging helpfulness and

sweet submissiveness that Eve had toward Adam before the Fall

In other words, the honeymoon can begin again:

-we must first receive Jesus Christ as Savior from our sin

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-there is no hope for a marital relationship to become all

it can be until both husband and wife have forgiveness and

acceptance by God

-this assurance can be experienced when we acknowledged

our sin and placed our trust in Jesus Christ.

Elkanah and Hannah (1 Sam.1:1-20)

The marriage of Hannah and Elkanah is our final example of

poor communications and unresolved marital conflict in a

spiritual family that resulted in pain but got resolved in the

end.

Elkanah demonstrated his love like so many husbands by

giving his wife everything except the one thing she wanted the

most (1 Sam1:5, 8, 19). However, what she wanted the most only

God could give her (1 Sam.1:5, 19-20). She became depressed,

wept bitterly, and wouldn’t eat out of great grief (1 Sam1:7,

8, 10, 15, 16).

We should pay a special attention to the «role prayer

played» in resolving this marital conflict. «I have poured out

my soul before the Lord.» (1 Sam1:15; 1 Pet.3:7, 1 Cor.7:5-6).

Good communication with the Lord is essential when there is

poor communication with your mate. «So the woman went her way

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and ate, and her face was no longer sad.» (1 Sam.1:18, Ja,Esc

5:13-18). It might bring much into your relationship.

Summary

The study of these 3 stories is showing that unresolved

family conflicts have many painful and dangerous consequences.

Jay Adams in his book «Christian Living in the Home» gives

a very helpful and insightful definition of a Christian home.

He says, «A Christian home is a place where sinners live, but

they know what to do about their sin.»21

The definition identifies a very important and basic

concept when it comes to relationships – we bring our

sinfulness with us.

We could realize that this may seem a little obvious, but

there are some people who think that if you have two committed

Christians in a relationship that there will be no conflict or

problems.

The truth is - ANY relationship has the potential for

varying levels of conflict simply because there are two people

present with very active sinful tendencies.

21 Jay E. Adams. Christian living in the home. (P & R Publishing, July 1, 1989), 7

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Not only is that a wrong view of relationships, but it is

dangerous.

The problem is that a relationship takes two, and you

cannot always control what the other person will do.

The hope for the Christian is not the absence of conflict,

but the possibility of really dealing with conflict.

As we see in previous biblical examples conflict comes from

the presence of sin. Christians know what to do about sin. The

result should be that Christians know what to do about

conflict.

The Bible has a great deal to say about sin that causes

conflict between people. In fact, a great deal of the New

Testament was written because there was conflict taking place.

CHAPTER 3

SCRIPTURAL EXAMPLES OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

For this purpose we will do a study of two biblical

passages - 1 Peter 3:8-9 and Ephesians 4:25-32.

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Five spiritual factors to resolve marital conflict (1 Peter

3:8-9)

1 Peter 3:8-9 followed just after a special section of

Peter’s epistle - 3:1-7 - where he gives specific instructions

to a wife and a husband.

In 1 Pet.3:8-9, Apostle Peter gives us both the positive

and negative approaches to marital conflict: five spiritual

factors on how to resolve it and two carnal factors that will

further inflame it!

«8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy,

brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not

repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the

contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may

obtain a blessing.» (ESV)

The following five spiritual factors are used to resolve

marital conflict (1 Pet.3:8):

1.Let all be harmonious (homophon) like-minded (v.8a)

The Greek word is used only here in the whole New

Testament, and means both oneness in opinion, and in outlook,

attitude, disposition, and sentiment. You must all have the

same attitude may be expressed as “you must all think the same

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about life” or “… about what you should do” or “you must all

think about life in the same way …”22

A husband and a wife should be willing to compromise in

oder to become one mind instead of developing selfish behavior

and thinking.

2.Let all be sympathetic (sumpathes) share in the suffering

of another (v.8b)

The words «having compassion» are the translation of a

Greek word from which we get our word “sympathy.” The word is

made up of two Greek words, one word meaning “to be affected”

by something, hence “to feel,” that is, to have feelings

stirred up within one by some circumstance, the other word

meaning “with.” The word means therefore, “to have a fellow-

feeling.” It refers here to the interchange of fellow-feeling

in either joy or sorrow. It is “rejoice with them that do

rejoice, and weep with them that weep” (Rom. 12:15). The

English word “sympathy” refers to the fellow-feeling we should

have with those that suffer, and that is the secondary meaning

of our Greek word. The primary meaning refers to a fellow-

22 Arichea, D. C., & Nida, E. A. (1994). A handbook on the first letter from Peter. UBS handbook series; Helps for translators (97). New York: United Bible Societies.

40

feeling with a brother Christian either in his joys or in his

sorrows 23.

It shows that spouses should learn to hear each other’s

hurt and to compassionate to each other. Instead of acting

with indifferences.

It takes as much grace sometimes to rejoice with your

spouse in the way God has blessed him/her as it does to

sympathize with someone who is in sadness.

3.Let all be brotherly (philadelphos) friendship love

(v.8c)

The Greek word (φιλάδελφος) does not elsewhere occur in the

New Testament. It means loving one’s brethren; that is, loving

each other as Christian brethren. Thus it enforces the duty so

often enjoined in the New Testament, that of love to

Christians as brethren of the same family. 24

Young couples should be willing to set aside self-interest.

They have no right to become cold to each other.

4.Let all be kindhearted (eusplagchos) affectionate (v.8d)

Kindhearted or pitiful - The history of the word, literally

meaning “good-hearted,” affords an interesting illustration of

23 Wuest, K. S. (1997). Wuest's word studies from the Greek New Testament :For the English reader (1 Pe 3:8). Grand Rapids: Eerdmans.24 Barnes, A. (1884-885). Notes on the New Testament: James to Jude (R. Frew, Ed.) (165). London: Blackie & Son.

41

the influence of Christian thought. It was used by Greek

writers, especially Greek medical writers, such as Hippocrates

, to describe what we should call the sanguine or courageous

temperament. By St Peter and St Paul (Eph. 4:32), it is used,

as the context in each case shows, for the emotional temper

which shows itself in pity and affection.25

A husband and a wife should be willing to forgive faults

and wrongs of each other. And to avoid to be judgmental or

rude with each other.

5.Let all be humble in spirit (tapeinophron) humble minded

(v.8e).

This is a compound of tapeinos (humble) and phrēn (minded).

It is used in Acts 20:19; Eph. 4:2 and Phil. 2:3. This is a

uniquely Christian virtue. It means the opposite of self-

assertion and egocentric pride.26

They don’t need to be driven by their pride but should be

willing to go the second mile with their spouse.

25 Plumptre, E. H. (1890). The General Epistles of St Peter and St Jude, with Notes and Introduction. The Cambridge Bible for Schools and Colleges (126). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.26 Utley, R. J. D. (2001). Vol. Volume 2: The Gospel According to Peter: Mark and I & II Peter. Study Guide Commentary Series (240). Marshall, Texas: Bible Lessons International.

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The next following two carnal factors should be avoided

because they are throwing fuel on the fire of marital conflict

(1 Pet.3:9).

1.Repaying evil for evil – Don’t retaliate no matter how

hurtful but be willing to give a blessing.

2.Repaying reviling for reviling – Don’t speak hurtful

words but be willing to give healing words as a blessing.

« but on the contrary, bless (eulogeo), for to this you

were called, that you may obtain a blessing.»

Christian should bless instead of repaying evil for evil.

In the next verses 10-11 Apostle Peter encourage a believer

«to keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking

deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek

peace and pursue it.»

It has become clear from the Bible that the main reason of

family conflicts is a lack of good communication.

Along the same line, Dwight Hervey Small declares in his

book that «the heart of marriage is its communication system…

It can be said that the success and happiness of any married

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pair is measurable in terms of the deepening dialogue which

characterizes their union»27.

So we need to encourage young family to develop an

effective communication. Such as Wayne Mack explains28:

The process of sharing information with another person in such a way that the sender’s message is understood as he intended it. Unless the sender and receiver have come to a common meaning, they haven’t communicated effectively.

The purpose of communication in all of life is basically to

build a Christ-centered home, to build understanding, and to

solve problems in a Christ-honoring, kind, Biblical way.

Therefore we need to find a biblical way how to develop

such communication and to find out what helps young families

to keep it. Biblical communication should be effective

Biblical principles of communication

Our egoism quite often leads to the poor level of

communication between a husband and a wife.

It’s obvious:

•if there is a good unity and harmony in a family we will

see that these two people communicate very well with each

other

27 Dwight Hervey Small. After You've Said I Do: New Ways to Communicate in Marriage (Pillar Books; First Thus edition, January 1, 1976), 27-2828 Wayne Mack, Your Family God’s Way (P & R Publishing (October 1, 1991), 43

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•On the contrary If there are many serious issues in

relationship among spouses we will see that that don’t

have an effective communication.

What doesn’t mean to have an effective communication? To

communicate means:

•attempt to be understood

•To do my best in order to be understood

•Do my best to understand an other person

What is happening in a family when a husband and a wife

don’t keep an effective communication with each other

•Their relations has become very shallow and superficial

•They lost an interest in each other. Their family life

becomes boring to them

•They have a hard time to make wise decisions

•There are many issues and question which have not been

resolved for long time

•Wrong ideas were not corrected

•Disagreements lead to new conflicts

•Conflicts become chronic

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•They may start to find an emotional support from other

men or women which may lead to an adultery and a divorce.

In essence, what makes communication fail is our inherent

self-centeredness and selfishness. We want what we want, so we

don’t take time to listen to the needs and best interests of

our mates. Unchecked and unconfessed, those destroying desires

are murderous, killing a relationship.

Questions to ask:

How have you seen that evidenced in your marriage? Have

those things been reconciled and forgiven?

Good relationships don't happen automatically! Neither are

they immune from problems. All men are sinners Romans 3:10-12,

23) meaning they are selfish and finite — and that's all it

takes to set the stage for conflicts. Good marriages and solid

lasting relationships can be built by people who know Jesus

Christ and follow His principles for communication, especially

as they relate to problem solving. In Ephesians 4:22-24 Paul

stresses the importance of laying aside the "old self" and its

way of doing things and putting on the "new self," which is

God's way of handling matters. The following verses (25-32)

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detail the "Four Rules of Communication" which we are to use

in all our relationships. They are good for both preventing

and solving problems

FOUR RULES OF COMMUNICATION29 (Ephesians 4:25-32)

1) Be honest (v. 25) - replace lies with truth

A.Speak

1. Greek imperative - i.e. a command- «You speak!»

2. Why? Because people cannot read our minds. «For who

among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the

man, which is in him?» (1 Corinthians 2:11).

3. Clamming up is out for the Christian! A husband has no

right to neglect communication with his wife and there is no

reason to justify his silence. It’s his duty to speak with his

wife.

B.Speak truth

1. «Speaking the truth» in 4:15 is a verb for (present

tense) that involves continuous action. We are to always speak

truth! (compare with «Do not lie to one another, since you

laid aside the old self with its evil practices» (Col.3:9)).

29The idea was taken from here http://www.lifeaction.org/static/uploads/media/pdf/infuse_podcast/four_rule_of_communication.pdf (accessed May 10,2012)

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2. Honesty is more than not lying—it is being open and

truthful.

Examples of dishonesty:

•Outright deceit

•Incongruence: when "halo" communication and "content"

communication conflict

•Disguised communication: when the real message is

masked; innuendo

C.Speak the truth lovingly

1.You can be brutal with the truth! So that we need to take

very much serious Scripture command - «Let your speech always

be with grace, seasoned as it were with salt, so that you may

know how you should respond to each person» (Colossians 4:6).

2. Christians are to speak the truth with the other

person's best interests in mind. Care must be given to not

only what you say but also how you say it. (e.g. tone of

voice; volume; facial expressions, etc.). Be concerned with

what you say, how you say it, how much you say it, and when

you say it.

3.Also we need to mark these 2 phrases - «with his

neighbor» and «one of another». They show to us the importance

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of listening of each other. Not only one way speaking ,you

should decome a skilled listener.

Practical summary

There is no place within a marriage for lies and deceit. We

must be truthful and honest in all of our dealings and

relationships. When we hide things from each other we lose

trust and confidence in one another. Then too, we must be open

to share our feelings with one another. Truth and honesty must

be the focal point of the marriage.

Questions to ask:

• Do you ever answer the question, "What's wrong?" with

"Nothing!", even when you know that something is wrong?

• Is what you say contradicted by your facial expressions

or body language--which often reveals your real

intentions?

• Do you ever flatter people on the outside (to avoid

conflict) while you fume on the inside about an offense

against you?

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2) Keep current (vs. 26,27) - replace sinful ager with

reconciliation

A. «Be angry and sin not. Do not ever let your wrath—your

exasperation—last until sundown. Leave no such room or

foothold for the devil.» (Amplified Version)

Bible is so clear - it doesn’t allow people to move forward

without resolving the conflict. It’s sin to avoid this

commandment.

B.Failure to solve each day's problems that day means you are:

1. Guilty of sin - you're commanded to do it!

2. Opening the way to resentment and hatred

3. Distorting subsequent problem

4. Endangering your sexual relationship

Practical summary:

Failure in attempting to solve each day’s problems quickly

can be sin. Don’t carry them over to tomorrow if possible.

(See Matt 6:34). If we fail to solve problems quickly we open

the door to resentment, bitterness, or even hatred. It can

also set the stage for spiritual discouragement.

3) Attack problems – not people (vv. 29-30) - replace

unwholesome words with edifying word

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A. «no corrupting talk» («corrupt communication» – KJV)

1. By-passes the real issue

2. Zeroes in on the person’s character (cf. Matthew

5:21-22)

3. Tears down or rips apart (cf. James 3:5-12)

4. Grieves the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30)

B. «Edifying» communication

1. Encourages or builds up

2. Zeros in on the real issue

3. Centers on personal responsibility (cf. Matthew 7:1

f f).

4. Gives «grace» (i.e. the desire and ability to do

God’s will) to those who hear.

Practical summary:

Do not speak words that tear down or words that grieve the

Holy Spirit. Use words that edify or build up, words that help

reach a solution when there are problems.

4) Act! Don’t react (vv. 31-32) - replace your vengeful spirit

with a forgiving spirit

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A.Reaction (v. 31) – attitudes and actions you must «put off»

completely

1. Bitterness – the inability to treat someone as if

they never hurt you

2. Wrath – flaring outbursts of rage

3. Anger – settled indignation of hostility that

frequently seeks revenge; the “slow burn”

4. Clamor – harsh contention and strife; public

quarreling; brawling

5. Slander – speech that injures; abusive speech

6. Malice – the desire to harm others or to see others

suffer

B. Actions (v. 32) – attitudes and actions you must “put on”

to replace the reactions

1. Kind – benevolent; helpful; courteous

2. Tenderhearted – lit. «of good heartedness»;

compassionate; sympathetic

3. Forgiving – to pass over an offense and to free the

offender from the consequences of it. «just as God in Christ

also has forgiven you.» i.e.:

• Firstly: before you confessed

• Freely: without merit on your part

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• Fully: for every offense

C. Arguments are possible only if there are two people who

react in a godly manner.

Practical summary: Our response to our marriage partner is

very important. If we return evil for evil we will create

greater conflict (1 Pet. 3:9). Negative reactions that stem

from the old nature will create division and tension in the

marriage relationship. Our positive reactions to our mate are

the expressions of kindness and forgiveness which originate

from the fruit of the Spirit and the new nature.

We can do a quick summary of this passage

As you speak with your mates, these are wise principles to

follow:

• Be committed to honesty (truthfulness in all things) and

mutual respect (v. 25).

• Make sure your weapons are not deadly (v. 26).

• Agree together that the time is right for your

discussion (vv. 26-27).

• Be ready with a positive solution after creating a

conflict (v. 28).

• Watch you words and guard your tone — speak with love

and grace (v. 29; cf. also Eph. 4:15; Col. 4:6).

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• Don’t degrade your mate — especially in public (v. 31).

• When it’s over, help clean up the failures with Christ-

like kindness, tenderness, and

• forgiveness (v. 32).

Communicating with our mates in grace and gentleness is no

minor issue. It is a reflection of our walk with Christ — an

evidence of how much we are becoming like Him (Eph. 4:15). The

realization of joy in your marriage relationship will be

impacted by your pursuit of gracious communication.

Question to ask:

• Considering Ephesians 4, how are these principles

experienced and realized in your

• relationship?

• What is your communication style? (talk, talk , talk;

think then talk; never talk or somewhere in the middle)

• Do you recognize when you are controlling a

conversation? Do you recognize when you are being

impatient with others? Or defensive? Or critical?

• How do you feel when others dominate the conversation or

outshine you?

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• When and how are you most likely to speak a harsh or

impatient word?

• How do you speak about others when they are not around?

• Are you good at giving praise, expressing thanks, or

encouragement? If not what can you do to change?

• What is a habit of speech that you want to break?

(yelling, being too critical, lying or speaking half-

truths, rolling your eyes, being sarcastic, complaining

etc…) What is a new habit that can replace the old one?

(for example, replacing the habit of complaining with

thanksgiving or the habit of yelling with giving soft

answers).

• Looking back at the past week, would God be honored with

the way you communicated to others? If not, what will

you do about it?

Conclusion

A. In order to change the way we communicate we must be

disciplined. Godly communication does not come naturally. As

believers we need to be aware of wrong habits and patterns and

confess those to God. We must repent and begin to develop the

right biblical habits and patterns. This means actually

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practicing the new behavior patterns (speaking truth instead

of half-truths) until a new habit is formed.

Changing habits is not easy, but can be done (1 Corinthians

10:13; Philippians 4:13)! It is much easier than the «way of

the transgressor» (Proverbs 13:15b KJV).

B. No matter how ungodly others are in their attitudes and

actions, you must communicate biblically! Their sin does not

justify your sin!!!

CHAPTER 4

WHAT CULTURALLY PREVENTS YOUNG COUPLES FROM HAVING

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

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In my pastoral experience I have noticed several issues

that interfere with communication in young families:

1.On the first place in Russia - housing and living

problems. Secular experts enumerate at least three special

features of young families in Russia 30:

First, the lack of material and financial

security. Today, the average income in young families is 1.5

times lower than the national average one. At the same time

69% of young families live below the poverty line.

Second, the increased material and financial needs for

the necessary amenities: housing, the organization of everyday

life.

Third, the time when the couple are forced to undergo

some levels of socialization: get an education, profession,

work place.

Questions of survival and material well-being take much

time and effort of a young couple, limiting their ability and

desire to build effective communication. They are rather

concerned about the arrangement of their life, even they want

to know how to survive financially more than how to develop

their relationship in family. Also there are some difficulties

30 «Problems of young couples in Russia» http://www.tass-ural.ru/analytics/10.html (accessed May 10,2012)

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with inability to manage finances, and difficulties in the

distribution of duties at home.

2.Internet

Internet creates its own area of communication (social

nets), where a person can control the process of communication

or just participate in it without any responsibilities and

challenges.

The communication on the Internet takes a lot of time

and diverts attention from the family

Moreover, the anonymous communication (or communion

under the nickname) does not develop the abilities and does

not lead people to a deeper, open and serious dialogue.

3. Media culture (TV / movies / computer games)

-It is more attractive and interesting than the

spouse.

-No conflicts and everything is pretty simple.

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-There is no need to strain, to think, to take the

pain of your relative.

Our media-dominated culture has robbed us of the

reflection about life and its meaning.

As our culture has become a television culture,

therefore, a larger part of our waking life has been occupied

by considering what is insignificant and unimportant (or,

worse, by inadequately considering what is significant through

an insignificant medium)31

4.Job/Career - for a serious career you have to devote

yourself to work.Therefore, being exhausted after work you

have no strength and desire to develop your relationship with

your spouse.

5.Family as an important value of the society went to

the back. Give up something for the sake of family relations

is folly. The institution of marriage is destroyed by all

sides (civil marriage, open relationship, sexual minorities,

etc.).

6. Psychology of positive thinking / Hedonistic culture

The very process of communication can cause pain that

can bring us a more profound healing and growth.

31 T. David Gordon, Why Johnny Can't Preach: The Media Have Shaped the Messenger (P & R Publishing, February 27, 2009), 53-55

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Dr.Bill Mills explains it so well in his book:

«Naked&Unashamed»32:

The world teaches us by their words, their mind-set andtheir example to leave when a relationship becomes painful or when it no longer meets our expectations. This system says that we must protect our rights, that our position and identity cannot be threatened. We mustleave when our relationship is no longer consistent with our personal goals or when it becomes an uncomfortable environment for growing as individuals. This message comes from Satan’s foolishness and lies, and it keeps us from possessing what God has given us in Christ

What is more - our society has become so entertainment-

driven instead of being care or sacrificial love-driven.

7.The concept of relationship between a man and a woman

was so much disturbed and corrupted recent last 50 years. Now

many young people take such relationship as a mutual temporary

contract which build on some needs such as:

• sexual affair

• Rent

• Having children

• Gifts

• Career and etc.

8.Church culture

32 Bill Mills, Naked and Unashamed: Recapturing Family Intimacy (LeadershipResources International, 2005), 151

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• Many churches don’t have any kind of premarital

counseling and ministry to families

• Many churches have become like parishes instead of

being congregation maintaing one another care.

• Trust to the religious rituals Вера (in Russian

orthodoxy people believe that if they put a candle in a

church - God will bless them)

• Fear to talk with pastors about family problems

because of many pastors act like judges instead of being real

shepherds.

The best clear biblical answer to resolve and to take

over all these worldly pressures - to be new testament genuine

congregation of authentic believers who practice kainonia

relationship and where young family will be taught, nourished

and cared well.

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CHAPTER 5

PRACTICAL IDEAS ON RESOLVING CONFLICTS

How to Avoid Conflicts

Wrong (sinful) ways of avoiding conflicts

1.To keep silence (Eph.4:29-31; Col.3:19) - it will bring a

growth of grief

2.Pass over each other (John 15:12; 1 Pet.4:8)

3.To change the subject of conversation, i.e. to answer

another question (Prov.12:22, 24:28)

4.To conceal information, sin, to bear grief (Prov.28:14)62

Right (godly) ways of avoiding conflicts

1.Get to know your husband/wife more, value him/her, try to

understand his point of view (1 Pet.3:7)

2.Before sharing your own opinion, get all details and ask

for questions like «Do I understand it right when you say...»,

«Do you mean....» (Prov.18:14, 18)

3.If you have a chance, pray in advance and think about the

question you are about to discuss (Prov.15:28, 17:27)

4.Show your love and care in difficult times (Rom.12:9-10)

5.Listen more than talk, but DO talk

6.If it is a matter of sin, treat your husband/wife with

love, wish him/her good because you try to bring him/her to

Christ (Eph.4:15)

7.If it is a matter of preferences, take a back seat

(Rom.12:10)

8.If it is a matter of conscience, offer him/her to study

the Scripture and encourage him/her to ask someone for devout

advice (Prov.11:14; 2 Tim.2:15)

9.Do not sin in the way you talk or express your thoughts,

or show feelings (Prov.8:7-8)

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10.Put God’s glory in the first place rather than try to

prove you are right (Rom.15:2)

11.Give short and soft answer to his/her angry and irate

words (Prov.15:1)

How to Resolve a Conflict If It Has Already Appeared

Wrong (sinful) ways of resolving conflicts

1.«Time cures everything» (road Matt.5:23-24; Eph.4:26)

Sometimes time does cure and it can also smoothen the

wisecrack of a conflict. Nonetheless there should be

confession of a sin, change, and active endeavor

2.«Let it slide» - It enforces grief

3.Act like nothing happened

4.Wait until your husband/wife will make an apology first

(Matt.5:23-24) - You should be taking the initiative: if you

think that your brother/sister has something against you, YOU

go and reconcile with him/her.

5.To penalize him/her until he/she takes the blame.

(Gal.6:1; Rom.12:9-20) As an example, silent or harsh

treatment. «You who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness»

(Gal. 6:1)

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Right (godly) ways of resolving conflicts

1.Confess you sins (or fault) before God that you are aware

of (Ps.139:23-24; 1 John 1:9-10).

2.Come up to your husband/wife and apologize for every deed

particularly. Tell him/her about your wish not to do it again

(Eph.4:32, James 5:16).

3.Express your desire to resolve the conflict all the way

and decide when it would be better to do it (Prov.15:28). Let

us say a conflict appears when you get ready to go to work,

make an apology before you leave and agree to talk it over

when you are back. Do not leave slamming the door and

destroying your relationships.

4.Meet each other at a set time

5.Pray together so that God would give you wisdom, self-

control and right words (Prov.16:32; James 1:5)

6.Remind the talk rules to each other (Eph.4:15, 26-32)

7.Each of you should confess his/her sins, especially the

ones that you haven’t confessed yet (either before God or

before your husband/wife) (Eph,4:32; James 5:16; 1 John 1:9)

Remember that a sincere person is not the one who is crying

but changing.

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8.Start discussing the issues that caused the conflict.

9.Define the areas where you disagree with each other (take

turns)

10.Ascertain with which parts of the conflict you disagree

(take turns)

11.Define what the core of your disagreement is:

• personal preferences

• sin

• conscience

• lack of wisdom

12.Specify the steps that you are going to take to resolve

the conflict (each of you shares his/her opinion)

13.Start to implement the stеps that you have agreed on

14.Decide whether you need to talk about the same issue

later on.

15.End up your conversation with prayer and remember to

show your love to each other

Practical tips:

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We need strongly to encourage young couples to see their

conflicts as positive opportunities for relationship. All too

often people see conflicts as bad things, rather than

opportunities for the family. They need to begin by seeing

conflicts as positive, and realize that when handled in the

right way, that conflicts can strengthen relationships and

deepen loving family bonds.  Without conflict, relationships

are often dead. See conflict as positive for your

relationships.

In this section you could find some practical advices how

to help young families to resolve conflicts and to overcome

cultural hindrances which try to stop good communication in

their families.

1. PAUSE principle33

Any conflict resolution should start with negotiation.

A biblical approach to negotiation may be summarized in

five basic steps, which we refer to as the PAUSE Principle:

• Prepare (pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel,

develop options)

33 «PAUSE principle» http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958155/k.A1D0/PAUSE_Principle.htm (accessed May 10,2012)

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• Affirm relationships (show genuine concern and

respect for others)

• Understand interests (identify others' concerns,

desires, needs, limitations, or fears)

• Search for creative solutions (prayerful

brainstorming)

• Evaluate options objectively and reasonably

(evaluate, don't argue)

If you have never used this approach to negotiation before,

it will take time and practice (and sometimes advice from

others) to become proficient at it. But it is well worth the

effort, because learning the PAUSE principle will help you not

only to resolve your present dispute but also to negotiate

more effectively in all areas of your life.

2.15 minutes rule

The “Fifteen Minute Time-Out Rule”

Joanne Heim gives very prqcitical insights from her family

life:

«[My husband] Toben promises that he won’t say a word for 15 whole minutes. And at that point I am able to calmly explain why my feelings are hurt as well as being able to listen and understand as Toben explains his side of the story [when it's his 15 minute turn to talk]. We don’t use

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the “Fifteen Minute Time-Out Rule” very much anymore, but it helps me immensely to know it’s there if I need it. And it saved a lot of hurt feelings and words that couldn’t be taken back during our early years of marriage. I hate to admit it, but when I start feeling backed into a corner, I lash out. I say mean, hurtful, and ugly things that I end up regretting»34.

Apostle Paul said much the same thing in 1 Thessalonians

5:15

«See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always

seek to do good to one another and to everyone.»

The fifteen minutes rule of sharing

If a couple spends as little as fifteen minutes a day

sharing their stories with each other, in a short period they

each will begin to understand the other35.

When both facts and feelings are shared, life is shared.

Deeper comprehension occurs. Bonding takes place.

Communication begins to go deeper than words.

Couples who share their stories gradually move from

childhood to adolescence to what happened at work today. They

develop a habit of sharing their stories – and, therefore,

their hearts – with each other.

34 Joanne Heim, Happily Ever After: A Real-Life Look at Your First Year ofMarriage . . . and Beyond (Kregel Publications, September 12, 2006), 5135 Joe Beam, 15 Minutes a Day Can Change Your Marriage», http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/15-minutes-a-day-can-change-your-marriage.html?ps=0 (accessed May 10, 2012)

69

Small talk is different than the business type talk that we

often do in our marriages. Small talk means talking to your

partner about what they want to talk about. Your hopes,

dreams, and goals can be wonderful topics. When couples are

dating they seem to be able to small talk for hours on end.

Once couples get married and things get busy they may not

dedicate as much time to small talk. Small talk with your

partner every day for 10-15 minutes. It works best if you

choose the same time everyday so you get in the habit of doing

it. The idea is to stay connected through enjoyable

conversation.

3. Don’t go to bed if we still upset with one another

«Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on

your anger» - Eph.4:26

4.Praying together

Dennis Rainey at Family Life says36:

Surveys at our FamilyLife Marriage Conferences indicate that less than 8 percent of all couples pray together on a regular basis. I suspect that less than 5 percent of all Christian couples pray together daily.

36 «Player in marriage» http://theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com/2010/03/01/marriage-monday-prayer-in-marriage/

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One of the most practical things to do [when talking about

a sensitive issue] is to start your discussion with prayer.

This habit can transform your marriage as you invite the Holy

Spirit to guide your conversation. It also helps you steer

clear of the pothole of confronting your spouse impulsively.

Speaking of steering, remember that driving along a cliff is

even harder going in reverse. In other words, don’t bring up

past issues while trying to resolve new ones.

5.Have family devotions together

Even if it is only 5 or 10 minutes.

6.Read the same good Christian book and discuss it together

7.Third party

If many of your old conflicts lack closure, get a mediator—

a pastor or biblical counselor or another solid family from

your church — to help bring your marriage up to speed and

moving forward again.

8. A good ground rule:

We can bring up an issue at any time, but the listener can

say “This is not a good time.” If the listener does not want

to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for

setting up a time to talk in the near future (usually within

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24 to 48 hours). This ground rule ensures that you will not

have an important or difficult talk about an issue unless you

both agree that the time is right. There is no point in having

a discussion about anything important unless you’re both ready

to talk about it.37

9.Limits on media

Put some limits on media (movies, computer games,

facebook). Also it’s worthy don’t put TV in your bedroom for

the first 2 years

10.Special personal Bible study

Do a Bible study on person of God. It will help them to see

themselves as saved sinners living by His grace. Also it will

help them to understand that the real unity and communication

among them will start with unity and close communication with

God.

11. Write a budget together

It will give you great opportunity

•to discuss your family life goals and perpectives.

37 Stanley, Trathen, McCain and Bryan, A Lasting Promise, A Christian Guideto Fighting for Your Marriage (John Wiley & Sons , 1998), 105

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•To see some new ways how you could minister to each

other and for God Himself.

•make money decisions together, as a couple

•To be honest about your saving and spending

habits. Money problems in relationships are worse

when one or both partners lie about money, hide their

spending or saving habits, and avoid talking about

debt problems

12. Arrange a special discussion time

1.It will be very good to write together all possible areas

of future conflicts and watch how they will grow in them

• Finances

• in-laws

• Sex

• personal habits

• spiritual needs, life, direction, will of God,

etc.

• Recreation

• showing affection

• social life, friends

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2.Set up a specific time to talk with your spouse about

serious issues and then make a deal with them. Agree that you

both will have an opportunity to talk without interruption.

Set a time limit for this and then allow a few minutes

afterwards for you each to comment on what the other shared.

You’ll find this really cuts down on arguments and keeps

things much more civil.

APPENDIX 1

CONVERSATION STARTERS

During your time together ask each other as many of the

questions below as you decide to do at one sitting (and ask

additional questions during other times you set aside):

•If you could store up only one hour’s worth of memory in

your mind, which hour of our marriage would you want to

remember?

•If you could have witnessed any biblical event, which one

would you choose?

•When do you feel most loved?

•Which strengths in your life bring you the greatest

satisfaction?

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•What is the best way for me to encourage you?

•What time of day is best for us to talk?

•If we could just drop what we’re doing and go do

something fun, what would it be?

•What is one of the most adventurous things you’ve ever

done?

•In your opinion, what makes a great parent?

•What are five essential values we want our children to

embrace above all others?

•What can we do as a couple to change the world in which

we live?

•What goals would you like us to accomplish in our

marriage in the next year? … five years? … ten years?

•What’s the best book you’ve read recently? Tell me about

it. What did you like about it?

•Which holiday do you enjoy the most? Why that one?

•If you could possess any extraordinary talent in one of

the arts, what would you choose?

•If you could bring any former leader from the past back

to run our country today, who would it be?

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•What makes a married relationship distinctively

Christian? How is a Christian couple different from a non-

Christian one?

•In what ways do you think the marriages of our parents

affect the marriage you and I share today? Be honest with

me.

•Are there some times when a disagreement needs to be

postponed? if so, when? How can we discern those kinds of

times?

•When have you felt the most loved by me?

•What fears do you wrestle with the most? How do you

manage them?

•What practical steps can we take as a couple to “affair-

proof” our marriage?

•With so many marriages falling apart around us today,

what steps can you and I take to ensure that we stay close

as a couple, emotionally and spiritually?

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APPENDIX 2

QUESTIONS FOR CONVERSATION

Below are several questions from the book, 201 Great

Questions38 by Jerry Jones, published by NavPress. And/or you

may want to obtain the book 201 Great Questions for Married

Couples)39 To begin your time together, ask the following

questions:

•What is your earliest memory?

•If you could live in any other time period, past or

future, what period would you choose? Why?

•What movie or television program have you seen in the

last year that you wish all your friends could see?

38 Jerry Jones, 201 Great Questions (NavPress, November 1, 1988)39 Jerry Jones, 201 Great Questions for Married Couples (NavPress, June 3, 1999)

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•If someone gave you enough money to start a business of

your own, what kind of business would you start?

•If you didn’t have to worry about making a living, what

would you most like to do for the rest of your life?

•When making decisions, do you put more trust in facts or

in feelings? Are you pleased with most of your decisions?

•What do you consider to be your greatest strengths? Your

greatest weaknesses?

•What is usually the first thing that comes to your mind

when you think about God?

•What would you most like people to remember you for after

you die?

•What are the five things you are most thankful for in

your life right now? What are some of the things you do to

show this thankfulness?

•Whose marriage do you most consider to be a model

marriage? What is it about their marriage that you most

admire?

•Has there been a time in the past year or two when God

seemed especially real or close to you? If so, explain.

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APPENDIX 3

WEEKLY CONNECTION TIMES WITH YOUR SPOUSE

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• ASK: Is there anything that’s currently unresolved that

we need to talk about? (If a difficult conflict comes up,

review and use the helpful guidelines for resolving difficult

conflicts as your guide.)

• ASK: Are there any family matters or parenting issues

that we need to discuss?

• ASK: Is there anything coming up on out calendar that we

need to discuss or prepare for?

• ASK: Are there any household or yard tasks that need to

be accomplished?

• SHARE: What has the Lord been showing you in His Word,

and in your life?

• SHARE: What has been a blessing to you in your life this

week.?

• SHARE: What has been weighing heavily on your heart?

• ASK: What can I be praying for you this next week?

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APPENDIX 4

MONTHLY PLANNING TIMES WITH YOUR SPOUSE40

The following planning sheet can help you as a married

couple and family, to draw closer together as you approach

matters that concern your life together. Feel free to change

it in whatever way it would best work for you:

1.Pray together

-Especially about fulfillment of God’s plan for a mariage.

-Establish action plans for this month if you need to work

on area of your individual live.

2.Plan a Household Task Update:

Discuss home projects that need to be tended to so you’re

both aware of them and are in agreement of what needs to be

done and by whom:

• What project(s) needs to be done inside our home?

40 the idea was taken from Cindy Wright http://www.marriagemissions.com/monthly-planning-times-with-your-spouse/ (accessed May 10, 2012)

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• What needs to be done on the outside of our home that

needs special attention?

• Who’s to do what?

3.Have a Quick Budget Review:

• Where are we this month in keeping to our agreed upon

budget—are we on track?

• Do we have any new expenses coming up that we need to be

aware of?

• What’s our plan for saving for this (or these items)?

• Do we need to make adjustments in how we’re handling our

money?

4.Encourage Each Other in Your Personal and Long-Range

Goals:

(i.e. self-study, education, dieting, reading, exercising,

hobbies, or just having some personal R&R time that’s

important to you as a man or a woman). It’s important to have

goals that you share together. But it’s also important to do

something “just for you” (that doesn’t conflict with the

family’s values or take too much time away from each other).

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• Discuss your personal goals so you can encourage and pray

for each other. (Keep in mind these goals aren’t to be at the

expense of the other’s feelings.)

• Are there any changes from last month’s goals?

• How did you personally do with last month’s goals—did

you complete them?

• Determine your own “80/20 goal” for this next month.

(These are goals that will improve your life by 80% but will

only require 20% of your effort (i.e. organizing or finishing

a project that’s been bugging you for a long time and needs to

be completed.)

• Pray for your goals (today and throughout the month).

• Discuss goals and plans you can share together including

ministry goals. (It’s important to always have goals that

you’re mutually working on together. This keeps your

relationship alive and growing together rather than apart.)

• What goal(s) are we to work on together as a couple?

• What goal(s) are we to work on as a family?

5.Schedule Fun Dating Times With Each Other:

(Make sure your dating times are for doing fun things

together without the children along. These are to be set

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appointments and can only be changed upon a mutual agreement

for avery good reason.)

• What can we do together on a date, as a couple that we’d

both enjoy?

• When and where are we going to go to do this?

• Do we want to have friends join us for this occasion?

6.Discuss Future Vacations, and Family Outings:

(plus quality time with each child if you have children

living at home)

• What type of event(s) do we want to do together?

• When and where do we want to go?

• Do we want the whole family included?

• Do we want to include any friends to come along with us?

• What arrangements need to be done? Who’s to do what?

6.Validate when you’re to have the next planning session.

This is important to do right now because if you don’t, it

probably won’t get onto the calendar for next month.

7.Coordinate your calendars and decide if you’re in or out

of balance on the activities you have scheduled for the

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month(s) ahead. Keep in mind that it’s important for you to be

in agreement on any commitments that will affect the whole

family before you say “yes” to anything. Ask yourselves: “Do

we need to change anything?”

8.Encourage Each Other in Sharing Your Faith:

• ask: How are we doing in our own personal growth in

sharing our faith with others?

• Pray for each other’s list of unsaved people that the

Lord’s laid upon your hearts.

• Pray for others that need encouragement.

9.Work on Other Concerns: bringing up major discussion

points that need to be talked through:

•Lovingly discuss issues that are bothering you (These

include sensitive topics you need to discuss thoroughly

without interruption.)

•Is there an “unresolved” topic we need to revisit because

we couldn’t finish our “discussion” about it previously?

•Tell what you appreciate about each other. (Too often we

forget to do this.)

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10.Share with each other what the Lord’s been showing you

in His word and through other resources, in your life, and/or

through the lives of others recently.

• Ask each other: “What can I specifically be praying for

you this next week/month?”

• PRAY TOGETHER. This is too important of a part of your

relationship to neglect. Get comfortable praying aloud with

each other now and every day. You may feel a bit awkward at

first, but eventually, you’ll be blessed by it.

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APPENDIX 5

PRACTICAL WISDOM FROM THE BOOK OF PROVERBS

Consider the following Proverbs about the tongue and the

power of words; what can you glean from these truths to

improve your communication?

6:12 A worthless person, a wicked man, Is the one who walks

with a false mouth,

6:16f There are six things which the Lord hates, Yes, seven

which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue,

And hands that shed innocent blood,…

8:7 “For my mouth will utter truth; And wickedness is an

abomination to my lips”

10:11 The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, But

the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

10:13  On the lips of the discerning, wisdom is found, But

a rod is for the back of him who lacks understanding.

10:14  Wise men store up knowledge, But with the mouth of

the foolish, ruin is at hand

10:18  He who conceals hatred has lying lips, And he who

spreads slander is a fool.

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10:19  When there are many words, transgression is

unavoidable, But he who restrains his lips is wise.

10:20  The tongue of the righteous is as choice silver, The

heart of the wicked is worth little.

10:21  The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die

for lack of understanding.

10:31  The mouth of the righteous flows with wisdom, But

the perverted tongue will be cut out.

10:32  The lips of the righteous bring forth what is

acceptable, But the mouth of the wicked,

what is perverted.

11:9 With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor,

But through knowledge the righteous will be delivered.

11:11  By the blessing of the upright a city is exalted,

But by the mouth of the wicked it is torn down.

11:12  He who despises his neighbor lacks sense, But a man

of understanding keeps silent.

11:13  He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets,

But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.

The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, But the

mouth of the upright will deliver them.

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12:17  He who speaks truth tells what is right, But a false

witness, deceit.

12:18  There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a

sword, But the tongue of the wise

brings healing.

12:19  Truthful lips will be established forever, But a

lying tongue is only for a moment.

12:22 Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, But those

who deal faithfully are His delight.

12:25 Anxiety in the heart of a man weighs it down, But a

good word makes it glad.

13:2 From the fruit of a man’s mouth he enjoys good, But

the desire of the treacherous is violence

13:3 The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; The

one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

14:3 In the mouth of the foolish is a rod for his back, But

the lips of the wise will preserve them.

14:5 A faithful witness will not lie, But a false witness

speaks lies

14:17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, And a man of

evil devices is hated.

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14:25 A truthful witness saves lives, But he who speaks

lies is treacherous.

14:29 He who is slow to anger has great understanding, But

he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word

stirs up anger.

15:2 The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, But

the mouth of fools spouts folly.

15:4 A soothing tongue is a tree of life, But perversion in

it crushes the spirit.

15:5 A fool rejects his father's discipline, But he who

regards reproof is prudent.

15:7 The lips of the wise spread knowledge, But the hearts

of fools are not so.

15:14 The mind of the intelligent seeks knowledge, But the

mouth of fools feeds on folly.

15:22 Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with

many counselors they succeed.

15:23 A man has joy in an apt answer, And how delightful is

a timely word!

15:26 Evil plans are an abomination to the Lord, But

pleasant words are pure.

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15:28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But

the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

15:31 He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof Will

dwell among the wise.

15:32 He who neglects discipline despises himself, But he

who listens to reproof acquires understanding.

16:1 The plans of the heart belong to man, But the answer

of the tongue is from the Lord.

16:13 Righteous lips are the delight of kings, And he who

speaks right is loved. 16:23 The heart of the wise teaches his

mouth, And adds persuasiveness to his lips.

16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and

healing to the bones.

16:27 A worthless man digs up evil, While his words are as

a scorching fire.

16:28 A perverse man spreads strife, And a slanderer

separates intimate friends.

17:4 An evildoer listens to wicked lips, A liar pays

attention to a destructive tongue.

17:7 Excellent speech is not fitting for a fool; Much less

are lying lips to a prince.

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17:9 He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who

repeats a matter separates intimate friends.

17:14 The beginning of strife is like letting out water, So

abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.

17:20 He who has a crooked mind finds no good, And he who

is perverted in his language falls into evil.

17:27 He who restrains his words has knowledge, And he who

has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

17:28 Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered

wise; When he closes his lips, he is counted prudent.

18:2 A fool does not delight in understanding, But only in

revealing his own mind.

18:4 The words of a man's mouth are deep waters; The

fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.

18:6 A fool's lips bring strife, And his mouth calls for

blows.

18:7 A fool's mouth is his ruin, And his lips are the snare

of his soul.

18:8 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And

they go down into the innermost parts of the body.

18:13 He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly

and shame to him.

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18:20 With the fruit of a man's mouth his stomach will be

satisfied; He will be satisfied with the product of his lips.

18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And

those who love it will eat its fruit.

18:23 The poor man utters supplications, But the rich man

answers roughly

19:1 Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity Than

he who is perverse in speech and is a fool.

19:5 A false witness will not go unpunished, And he who

tells lies will not escape.

19:28 A rascally witness makes a mockery of justice, And

the mouth of the wicked spreads iniquity.

20:15 There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; But the

lips of knowledge are a more precious thing.

20:18  Prepare plans by consultation, And make war by wise

guidance.

20:19  He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets,

Therefore do not associate with a

gossip.

21:6 The getting of treasures by a lying tongue Is a

fleeting vapor, the pursuit of death.

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21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue, Guards his

soul from troubles.

21:28 A false witness will perish, But the man who listens

to the truth will speak forever.

23:9 Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, For he will

despise the wisdom of your word

23:23 Buy truth, and do not sell it, Get wisdom and

instruction and understanding.

24:1  Do not be envious of evil men, Nor desire to be with

them;

24:2  For their minds devise violence, And their lips talk

of trouble.

24:26 He kisses the lips Who gives a right answer.

24:28 Do not be a witness against your neighbor without

cause, And do not deceive with your lips.

25:11  Like apples of gold in settings of silver Is a word

spoken in right circumstances.

25:12  Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold

Is a wise reprover to a listening ear.

25:14  Like clouds and wind without rain Is a man who

boasts of his gifts falsely.

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25:15  By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, And a soft

tongue breaks the bone.

25:23 The north wind brings forth rain, And a backbiting

tongue, an angry countenance

25:28 Like a city that is broken into and without walls Is

a man who has no control over his spirit.

26:2 Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its

flying, So a curse without cause does not alight.

26:7 Like the legs which hang down from the lame, So is a

proverb in the mouth of fools.

26:9 Like a thorn which falls into the hand of a drunkard,

So is a proverb in the mouth of fools.

26:20  For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there

is no whisperer, contention quiets down.

26:21  Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is

a contentious man to kindle strife.

26:22  The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels,

And they go down into the innermost parts of the body.

26:23  Like an earthen vessel overlaid with silver dross

Are burning lips and a wicked heart.

26:24  He who hates disguises it with his lips, But he lays

up deceit in his heart.

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26:25  When he speaks graciously, do not believe him, For

there are seven abominations in his heart.

26:28 A lying tongue hates those it crushes, And a

flattering mouth works ruin

27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are

the kisses of an enemy.

28:23 He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor

Than he who flatters with the tongue

29:11 A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds

it back.

29:20 Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is

more hope for a fool than for him.

29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a hot-tempered man

abounds in transgression

30:5 Every word of God is tested; He is a shield to those

who take refuge in Him.

30:11  There is a kind of man who curses his father, And

does not bless his mother.

30:12  There is a kind who is pure in his own eyes, Yet is

not washed from his filthiness.

31:26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of

kindness is on her tongue.

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• What one fundamental thing can each of you (husband and

wife) change to enhance your communication?

BIBLIOGRAPHY

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Barnes, A. Notes on the New Testament: James to Jude (R. Frew, Ed.). London: Blackie & Son, 1884-885. Logos Software.

Bergen, R. D. (2001). Vol. 7: 1, 2 Samuel (electronic ed.).Logos Library System; The New American Commentary. Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.

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Constable, Tom. (2003; 2003). Tom Constable's Expository Notes on the Bible. Galaxie Software.

Driscoll, Mark & Grace. Real Marriage: the truth about sex,friendship and life together. Thomas Nelson, 2012.

Gordon, T. David, Why Johnny Can't Preach: The Media Have Shaped the Messenger, P & R Publishing, 2009

Harland, David and Diana. Problematic families in the Bible. Novosibirsk, Posoch, 2011

Heim, Joanne, Happily Ever After: A Real-Life Look at Your First Year of Marriage . . . and Beyond. Kregel Publications, 2006

Ingram, Chip. Love, Sex & Lasting Relationships. Kiev: Walkthru the Bille, 2006

Jones, Jerry. 201 Great Questions. NavPress, 1988

Jones, Jerry. 201 Great Questions for Married Couples, NavPress, 1999

Mack, Wayne. Your Family God’s Way. P & R Publishing, 1991

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Mills, Bill. Naked and Unashamed: Recapturing Family Intimacy. Leadership Resources International, 2005

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Rococo, Gary & Betty. Love that Lasts. Crosswat Books, Wheaton, Illinois, 2006

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Small, Dwight Hervey. After You've Said I Do: New Ways to Communicate in Marriage. Pillar Books, 1976

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Utley, R. J. D. Vol. Volume 2: The Gospel According to Peter: Mark and I & II Peter. Study Guide Commentary Series Marshall, Texas: Bible Lessons International, 2001.

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99

2 «Russia jas become world number one in devorce rate», http://www.rosbalt.ru/main/2011/01/18/809731.html (accessed May 10,2012)

3 According to divorce statistics, main reasons for divorce are: addiction of one of the spouses (alcohol, drug) – 31%, poor living conditions of the young family – 21 %, adultery – 20%, violence – 15%. 50% of Russian citizens believe absence of love is a valid reason for divorce, 31 % believe it is valid even if there are children. - http://zastupnik.org/novosti/13189.html (accessed May 10, 2012)4 Statistics on time couples stay together - https://sites.google.com/site/obsestvoznaniesch88omsk/home/sociologia/sociologia-semi-i-braka/statistika-brakov-i-razvodov-v-rossii5 «Divorce statistics in Russia» - http://razvod66.ru/statistics_of_divorce.php (accessed May 10, 2012)6 «Why not to divorce» http://strelkina.ru/index/kak_izbezhat_razvoda_ili_stoit_li_razvoditsja_stranica_2/0-36, http://www.vokrugnovostei.ru/news/news6562.html (accessed May10, 2012)

7 Shiryaeva E., Sidorova S., «Psychological reasons for family conflicts»- http://www.rae.ru/forum2012/12/556 (accessed May 10, 2012)

13 «How to resolve conflicts in a biblical way», http://www.covenantkeepers.org/images/stories/translations/r_ResConflictRussian_Internet.pdf (accessed May 10, 2012)14 «Divorce and its consequences», http://vozrogdenie.my1.ru/publ/brak/razvod_i_ego_posledstvija/1-1-0-3 (accessed May 10, 2012)15 «Remarriage», http://www.riana.kz/classicheskaya-svadba?start=18 (accessed May 10, 2012)

29The idea was taken from here http://www.lifeaction.org/static/uploads/media/pdf/infuse_podcast/four_rule_of_communication.pdf (accessed May 10,2012)

30 «Problems of young couples in Russia» http://www.tass-ural.ru/analytics/10.html (accessed May 10,2012)

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33 «PAUSE principle» http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958155/k.A1D0/PAUSE_Principle.htm (accessed May 10,2012)

35 Joe Beam, 15 Minutes a Day Can Change Your Marriage», http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/15-minutes-a-day-can-change-your-marriage.html?ps=0 (accessed May 10, 2012)

35 Joe Beam, 15 Minutes a Day Can Change Your Marriage», http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/15-minutes-a-day-can-change-your-marriage.html?ps=0 (accessed May 10, 2012)

40 the idea was taken from Cindy Wright http://www.marriagemissions.com/monthly-planning-times-with-your-spouse/ (accessed May 10, 2012)

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