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AUGUST 23–29, 2012 I VOLUME 27 I NUMBER 22 MIAMINEWTIMES.COM I FREE

HURRICANE ANDREW AT 20. PAGE 10 NEW TIMES FREES JAILED BOXER. PAGE 13 JESSE PEREZ AND THE CHONGA. PAGE 53

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Fear and Loathing in TampaThe Republican convention is likely to bring some loons.BY MICHAEL E. MILLER | PAGE 14

▼ Contents

VOL. 27 | NO. 22 | AUGUST 23-29, 2012

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Aphrodisiac Ice CreamBaoli MiamiBolivarCafé BusteloCatharsisChef Adrianne’s Vineyard Restaurant and Wine BarCineBistroCity Hall The RestaurantDel SurMarketEdible ArrangementsExit OneFifi’s PlaceGordon BierschKitchen 305

Naked PizzaNatural Chicken GrillPalate PartyRosa MexicanoRoute 9STK MiamiSwineThe Meatball JointTodo Frio Ice CreamWhisk GourmetWok TownYardbird Southern Bar & Grill

and more to come...7

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African OpportunitySeems like a scam: After reading about contro-versial Pastor O’Neil Dozier’s plans to raise money for an African community (“Golden Opportunity,” Stefan Kamph, August 16), I have to ask: Was anyone really buying that this guy wanted Africa to prosper and be en-riched? Africa was supposedly his cause, but it’s clear from this that he and his cronies were the only ones who would actually pros-per and be enriched from this scheme. JIMBO99

Cat KillersBlame developers: Some read stories like yours about how 2012 is shaping up as the deadliest year yet for Florida’s endangered panthers thanks to car deaths tied to urban sprawl (“Cars vs. Cats,” Chris Sweeney, August 16) and claim that this is just evolution at work. But I’m not sure what they’re getting at. Is it necessary for us as human beings in South Florida to kill off what is left of the panther population on planet Earth? Are we in direct competition with panthers for resources? While we should be encouraging urban infill and redevelopment in densely populated ar-eas near the coast, our local government in-stead allows for westward expansion, leading to more urban sprawl — all for the short-term gain of developers (who, in turn, make sizable donations to incumbents). And it seems no-body in Miami cares about this. SUZIE

Not endangered at all: The mountain lion is not an endangered species, and decades ago they brought in mountain lions from out West to shore up the gene pool of Florida panthers. They interbred, and as a result, the Florida panther does not really exist any-more. Numerous DNA studies have found that the subspecies doesn’t exist anymore, and the bible of mammal taxonomy, Mammal Species of the World, does not recognize the Florida panther as a unique subspecies. They keep it up only for appearance’s sake and to pad their budgets. So what is more impor-tant? Our economic well-being (including jobs and food for everyone) or a handful of nonendangered cats? ANTHONYVOP1

Foreclosure nation: People keep encroaching on their land. Where are these animals sup-posed to go? Do we really need more homes? Lord knows there are plenty of empty ones out there already. WICKEDKATS

Stop the killing: Tangible measures should be taken to stop these killings. It is very pathetic that an expanding human community is tak-ing the lives of these panthers. FIZA_KRM

Gun CheckBan bad opinions instead: I love it when people like Uncle Luke mention the assault-weapons ban while arguing for new gun controls (“Cease Fire,” Luther Campbell, August 16). You realize that the law simply “banned” cer-tain weapons based on mostly aesthetic fea-tures, right? Even then, there were pre- and postban models of these weapons available that got around the whole stupid regulation. Read up on it. And here’s another fun fact: Bush didn’t do away with the ban — it expired on its own, as it was only meant to last ten years. In fact, Bush said if a new one made it to his desk, he would have signed the bill. This is yet another case of not performing a fact check before writing an article. I’m not sur-prised, because that’s a Miami New Times thing. Also, what if a drug or mental evalua-tion, as Luke suggests we implement, fails to tag someone as not being eligible to purchase a gun? What measures do you propose then? Oh, and if you really want this absurd idea im-plemented, you should petition the ATF, since gun licenses for dealers are, in fact, regulated by the federal government. HARRYTHEHANDYMAN

Fight the NRA: The loopholes that let people buy weapons with no background checks at gun shows are the first things that need to be changed. The NRA should be all about re-sponsible gun purchasing, but instead they are narrow-minded and just want as many gun owners as possible out there. It’s an out-rage. Hopefully politicians get some back-bones and stand up to the NRA and similar groups, who have a lot less power than they fool America into believing they do. NOREASON

Well-ConnectedToo late now: Your piece about how County Mayor Carlos Gimenez’s driver and cam-paign finance director also has millions in county construction contracts (“Sweet Gig,” Francisco Alvarado, August 16) was enlight-ening. I just wish you could have come out with this interesting piece a few days earlier, so that more of our beloved voters could have gotten a better picture of our mayor before reelecting him in the August 14 primary. JULIUS

reader comment of the week: MIAMINEWTIMES.COM

“The NRA should be all about responsible gun purchasing, but instead they are narrow-minded and just want as many gun owners as possible out there. Hopefully politicians get some backbones and stand

up to the NRA and similar groups, who have a lot less power than they fool America into believing they do.”

NOREASON, COMMENTING ON “CEASE FIRE”

| INBOX |

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Participating Restaurants to Date (Please visit our website for an updated list)

Miami Cuisine at its Best!

For information about participating restaurants and tempting hotel packages, please visit iLoveMiamiSpice.com

Please join us this August and September for Miami Spice; a unique

opportunity to savor cuisine prepared by Miami’s top chefs.

© Greater Miami Convention & Visitors Bureau — The Official Destination Marketing Organization for Greater Miami and the Beaches. CS-00639

*3-course meal includes appetizer, entrée and dessert. Beverage, tax and gratuity are not included. NOTE: Restaurant participation, days offered and menus vary and are subject to change.

PresentingSponsor:

Organized by:

Official Sponsors:

Supported by:

Southern Florida Concierge Association

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Wine Room (L,D)•Azul (D)•Bâoli Miami (D)•Bianca (L,D)•Bistro One LR (D)•Bizcaya (L,D)•BLT Steak (L,D)•Bourbon Steak Aventura (D)•Caffe Abbracci (L,D)•Caffe Vialetto (L,D)•The Capital Grille – Miami (D)•Cecconi’s Miami Beach (L,D)•Chart House Miami (D)•Chophouse Miami (L,D)•Christy’s Restaurant (D)•Cioppino (L,D)•db Bistro Moderne Miami (L,D)•De Rodriguez Cuba (D)•The Dining Room Pop-Up

at Vesper (D)•The Dome Restaurant and

Caviar Bar (L,D)•The Dutch (L,D)•Essensia Restaurant &

Lounge (L,D)•Fifi’s Place (L,D)•Fleming’s Prime Steakhouse &

Wine Bar (D)•Fogo de Chão Churrascaria (D)•Fontana at the

Biltmore Hotel (L,D)•The Forge Restaurant &

Wine Bar (D)•Gibraltar (L,D)•Gotham Steak at Fontainebleau

Miami Beach (D)•Green House Organic

Food Restaurant (D)•Hakkasan at Fontainebleau

Miami Beach (L,D)•Il Bolognese (L,D)•Il Mulino NY – Miami (L,D)•J&G Grill (L,D)•Juvia (L)•La Côte at Fontainebleau (D)•La Gloutonnerie (D)•La Marea (L,D)•La Palma Ristorante & Bar (L,D)•Le Provencal Restaurant (L,D)•Locanda Sibilla –

Cucina Italiana (L,D)•Luca Bella Family

Style Italian (L,D)•Macchialina Taverna Rustica (D)•Makoto (L,D)•Meat Market (D)•Mesazul Steakhouse (D)•Michy’s (D)•Mister Collins (L,D)•Mixtura Restaurant –

Coral Gables (L,D)•Mixtura Restaurant –

Miami Beach (L,D)•Morton’s The Steakhouse,

Coral Gables (L,D)

•Morton’s The Steakhouse, Miami (L,D)

•Morton’s The Steakhouse, North Miami Beach (D)

•Mr. Chow (D)•Nikki Beach (L,D)•The Oceanaire

Seafood Room (L,D)•OLA (D)•Ortanique on the Mile (L,D)•The Palm (D)•Palme d’Or at

The Biltmore Hotel (D)•Pascal’s on Ponce (L,D)•Pepe Nero (D) •Philippe Chow (D)•Preston’s at Loews

Miami Beach Hotel (L,D)•Quattro Gastronomia Italiana (L,D)•Randazzo’s Little Italy (L,D)•Red Fish Grill (D)•RED, The Steakhouse (D)•The Restaurant at The Setai (D)•The River Seafood &

Oyster Bar (D)•The Royal at The Raleigh (L,D)•Rusty Pelican (L,D)•Ruth’s Chris Steak House (D)•Sardinia Enoteca Ristorante (L,D)•Scarpetta at Fontainebleau

Miami Beach (D)•Shula’s 347 Grill (L,D)•Shula’s Steak House at

The Alexander Hotel (L,D)•Shula’s Steak House –

The Original (D)•Smith & Wollensky (D)•STK Miami (D)•SUGARCANE Raw Bar Grill (L,D)•SUSHISAMBA dromo (L,D)•Tantra Restaurant and Lounge (D)•Terrazza (L,D)•Texas de Brazil Churrascaria –

Miami Beach (D)•Toscana Divino (L,D)•Truluck’s Seafood,

Steak & Crab House (D)•Two Chefs Restaurant (L,D)•Tudor House (L,D)•Tuyo (D)•UMI (D)•Vesper American Brasserie (D)•Villa Azur Restaurant

& Lounge (D)•Yuca Restaurant (L,D)•Zuma (L,D)

Fine Dining Lunch $19 | Dinner $33•94th Aero Squadron

Restaurant (L,D)•660 at The Angler’s (L,D)•920 Grill – Steakhouse (D)•5300 Chop House (L,D)•Amalfi on the Beach (L,D)•AMAMI – United Flavours

of the World (L,D)•Angelique Euro Cafe (L,D)•Armillary Grill Restaurant (L,D)•Azzurro Italian

Restaurant & Bar (D)•Baires Grill Resto (D)•Barceloneta Bistro (D)•Bloom (D)•Bond Street Lounge (D)•Bongos Cuban Cafe – Miami (D)

•Cafe Sambal (L)•Caffe Portofino (D)•Canyon Ranch Grill (L,D)•Cara Mia Trattoria (L,D)•Cascata Grille (L,D)•Catch Grill & Bar (D)•Cibo Wine Bar (L,D)•City Hall the Restaurant (L,D)•Copper Chimney (L,D)•CRAVE (L,D)•De Luca Food & Wine (L,D)•Deco Blue Restaurant

& Lounge (L,D)•Dominique Bistro Club (L,D)•Edge, Steak & Bar (L,D)•Egg & Dart

Greek Restaurant (L,D)•El Gran Inka – Aventura (L,D)•El Gran Inka – Brickell (L,D)•Eos Restaurant (L,D)•The Federal Food, Drink

& Provisions (D)•Flame Caffe and Grill (D)•Front Porch Cafe (L,D)•Graziano’s – Bird Road (L,D)•Graziano’s – Brickell (L,D)•Graziano’s – Coral Gables (L,D)•Jaguar Ceviche Spoon Bar &

Latam Grill (L,D)•Jean Paul’s House (L,D)•Kung Fu Kitchen & Sushi (L,D)•La Riviera (L,D)•Lantao Kitchen & Cocktails (L,D)•Larios on the Beach (L,D)•Lulu (L,D)•Maya Tapas & Grill – Lincoln (L,D)•Maya Tapas & Grill – Ocean (L,D)•Mercadito Midtown (D)•Mesa Venezuelan

French Cuisine (L,D)•The Mexzican Gourmet (L,D)•Novecento – Brickell (L,D)•Novecento – Key Biscayne (L,D)•Off the Hookah Miami (L,D)•Old Lisbon Restaurant (L,D)•Panorama Restaurant

& Sky Lounge (L,D)•Peacock Garden Café (L,D)•Piazzetta Marketplace and

Restaurant at Acqualina (L,D)•Pubbelly (D)•Puntino–Dal Toro Bistro (L,D)•Red Koi Thai &

Sushi Lounge (L,D)•The Restaurant at the

National Hotel (L,D)•Rosa Mexicano

Mary Brickell Village (L,D)•Rosa Mexicano South Beach (L,D)•Sawa Restaurant & Lounge (L,D)•Seasons 52 (L,D)•Soyka (L,D)•Talavera Cocina Mexicana (L,D)•TIKL Raw Bar Grill (L,D)•Tiramesu (L,D)•The Trapiche Room (L,D)•Trio on the Bay (D)•Tuna’s Raw Bar and Grille (D)•Tutto’s Mare Miami (L,D)•Uvas Restaurant (L,D)•Werner Staub’s Peppermill

Restaurant (D)•West Avenue Cafe (L,D)•Whitney’s Restaurant (L,D) •Wynwood Kitchen & Bar (L,D)

Lunch $19* or $23* | Dinner $33* or $39*

L: Lunch | D: Dinner

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| ▼ DIPLOMATIC DO-OVER

INSANE ASYLUMJulian Assange might want to reconsider his escape to Ecuador. BY MICHAEL E. MILLER

Poor Julian Assange. Eighteen months ago, the 41-year-old Aussie was a globe-trotting Wiki-warrior with dashing,

wizard-like white hair. Now, he is effectively imprisoned inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London while evading an extradition order to Sweden, where he faces sex crime accusations.

But before Assange goes to the effort of sneaking himself to South America in a hu-man-size diplomatic pouch, he should know a few things about his safe haven. Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa may have granted Assange asylum on humanitarian grounds, but the country is no peaceful paradise. Nor is Correa’s own free-speech record spotless.

In September 2010, police in the Ecuadorian capital of Quito led a violent uprising against Correa over job benefits. Amid tear gas and burning tires, the economist-turned-president tore open his suit jacket and screamed, “Kill me if you have the guts!” He later called the inci-dent a “coup” and warned there would be “no pardon or forgiveness” for those involved.

Four months later, El Universo editor Emilio Palacio published a scathing editorial titled “No to Lies” that called Correa a “dicta-tor” eight times. It ended with a warning: “A new president, maybe your enemy, could drag you to court for having ordered [your soldiers] to open fire whenever they want and without notice on a hospital full of civil-ians and innocent people.”

The next month, Correa accused Palacio and three others at El Universo of defamation. The president demanded they pay $80 mil-lion and spend three years in jail. The fine

was later cut to a mere $40 million, but Pala-cio fled the country rather than go to jail. He was convicted in absentia. “Correa calls ev-eryone who’s not on his side a traitor,” Palacio told New Times last year. “That’s what he does to enemies.”

So much for Correa as a champion of free speech. To his credit, the president pardoned

Palacio and waived the $40 million fine this February. Even then, however, the president didn’t forgive the men, calling them part of a “dictatorship of the media.”

If Assange makes it to Ecuador, he’ll be a free man. And he’ll be free to speak his mind too — just as long as he doesn’t criticize his new host.

| RIPTIDE | ▼ BIG BULLIES

STOP SNITCHINGComplain about South Beach developers at your own risk. BY TIM ELFRINK

W hen Andre Frings returned to his South Beach apartment from a trip to New York last

December, his jaw dropped at what had happened to the historic building next door. The 1926 art deco edifice was com-pletely gutted, the graceful façade gone.

Frings suspected the developer had bro-ken the Beach’s historic preservation codes, so he filed a complaint. The city investigated and, sure enough, found that demolition had exceeded the scope of permits. The de-veloper spent months making fixes.

Democracy at its finest, right? Not for Frings. Last month, the developer — Brickell-based Jef-frey Schottenstein — filed a lawsuit against the SoBe resident, seeking more than $15,000

for the egregious crime of reporting his problems to the city.

“It’s ridiculous because I don’t have any influence. I’m just a resident,” Frings says. “All I did was write to the city about my concerns.”

Andrew Hall, Schottenstein’s attorney, says Frings was wrong to air his grievances when work was already under way. “Guys like this, they think they’re smarter than ev-eryone else,” he says. “He doesn’t care about the consequences of his actions.”

Frings’s attorney, Michael Schlesinger, has a different take on the suit. “It’s a frivo-lous action brought solely to intimidate and punish [Frings],” he says.

Frings, a 48-year-old New York native who’s lived in South Beach for seven years, had always liked the shape of the building at 830 Fifth Street. So when he returned to find the building totally stripped, he emailed a Planning and Zoning official.

The city decided Frings’s complaints had merit and ordered corrective work. At February’s meeting of the Historic Preser-vation Board, members drafted a list of dozens of changes to make.

In June, Schottenstein struck back at Frings. His suit calls the resident an “offi-cious intermeddler who acted vexatiously.”

Frings says he’s already out thousands of dollars in attorney fees. He hopes a judge will recognize the case as courtroom bullying.

“It’s crazy, and no one from city hall has helped me at all,” he says. “I thought this city was all about community participation and historic preservation.”

Email [email protected]

▼ STIMULATING CONVERSATION

WASHINGTON OUTSIDERA SOUTH BEACH AUTHOR TURNS D.C. ON ITS HEAD. BY TIM ELFRINK

In our nation’s capital, real consensus happens as often as a noncreepy Rick Scott grin. Yet for the past couple of years, everyone in Washing-

ton, D.C., has agreed on this: President Obama’s mammoth 2009 stimulus was kind of laughable.

Green-energy initiatives? Saving America from financial ruin? Hah!

Last week, though, that conversation turned on a dime. The reason? A new book from a writer based about as far, culturally speaking, from the Hill as possible: the heart of South Beach.

The New New Deal, a 495-page tome from Mi-ami-based Time magazine writer Michael Grun-wald, argues that the stimulus not only saved us from the financial abyss but also revolutionized

everything from energy policy to education.The Daily Beast proclaimed the book will

“change how you look at President Obama’s stimulus forever.” The Economist demanded that Republicans read it.

Grunwald says living in the Magic City was actu-ally key to shaking up D.C.’s conventional wisdom.

“The groupthink is so powerful there,” he says. “Just the idea of writing a book about the stimu-lus up in D.C. would be ridiculous, because every-one there knows what the stimulus is: It’s a joke.”

Grunwald moved to Florida to research his 2006 book, The Swamp, a history of the Ever-glades, and ended up staying after meeting his wife, Cristina, here. For a D.C. policy wonk, it wasn’t the easiest transition.

“At first, it was kind of nice to be around peo-ple who weren’t talking about Abu Ghraib all the time,” he says. “After a while, it would be nice to find some people who at least know that Abu

Ghraib isn’t a fashion designer.”When Obama passed his stimulus in January

2009, Grunwald decided it deserved deeper re-porting. After all, the act was four times bigger than any passed by FDR.

Grunwald’s narrative, built from interviews with more than 400 sources — from Joe Biden down — tells how the GOP united to oppose ev-ery piece of the bill, and highlights Florida’s own idiocy, including Governor Scott’s insane deci-sion to turn down a high-speed rail system be-tween Tampa and Orlando.

But it’s not a partisan screed; the book pres-ents evidence that, in a few decades, might make us see the stimulus as a watershed.

“It’s going to be hard for anyone to look at this [book] and not say, “Look, this dude did a shitload of reporting,’�” Grunwald says. “They may not like the conclusions I reach, but there are a lot of facts in here.”

GET MORE NEWS & COMMENTARY EVERY DAY AT RIPTIDEMIAMI.COM

“I DON’T HAVE ANY INFLUENCE. I’M JUST A RESIDENT.”

Original Photo by Espen Moe

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ANDY AT 20The Herald won a Pulitzer for coverage of Hurricane Andrew. Here’s how journalists saw America’s most expensive natural disaster. BY CHUCK STROUSE

H ours after Hurricane Andrew leveled Miami 20 years ago this Fri-day, the farmland of

South Dade’s Redland was deso-late. No one for miles. No running water. Little electrical power. Few phones.

I slalomed my rusty Chevy pickup down a strip of black asphalt littered with shingles and downed trees. Then, in the middle of the road, there was a washing machine. It had been plucked from a home far away and dropped there whole. I steered to miss it, and my truck suddenly jerked from 30 mph to a dead stop. Bang. I would have been dog meat if it weren’t for the seat belt. No cell phones back then. No way to call for help.

I flopped out to find a power line thick as a wrist jammed in the suspension. I stripped off my shirt as insulation, wrapped it around a metal wrench, and touched the cable. No juice. Then I lay down, scorched my back on the pavement, and began tugging. It didn’t move. Not a hair.

So I grabbed a tiny pair of pliers and began snipping, one strand at a time. Three hours and a gallon of sweat later, I started her up and hurried to a trailer in Homestead. I was a Mi-ami Herald reporter then, and I typed out the story, barely making deadline on an interview with a guy who had escaped a home that An-drew blew away and then found temporary refuge in another, also demolished by the worst wind.

Amid this week’s remembrances of the storm that cost the United States more than $25 billion, claimed 26 lives, and left more

than 250,000 people homeless, little has been said of the reporters who covered it. The Her-ald, then a much larger paper, won a Pulitzer Prize Gold Medal for its journalists’ coverage.

That storm shaped how the media cov-ered Katrina, 9/11, this year’s drought, and myriad other disasters. So I asked some former Herald reporters for their memories.

Ana Menendez (then a Bro-ward reporter, now an au-thor of two novels and two short-story collections): Two days before the storm, I was on rotation in the Hollywood bureau. I had been scheduled to cover some firefighter event, but the editor on duty said, with a trace of contempt,

that the Sun-Sentinel had made a big deal about some storm out there, so I should proba-bly head over to Publix instead and see if people were stocking up. At the store, no one I inter-viewed knew anything about an impending hurricane. Finally, I ran into an elderly man with a shopping cart full of water and canned goods. He knew all about Andrew, was tracking the coordi-nates, and was taking no chances. Soon we were all going to become that elderly fellow. We just didn’t know it.

Marty Merzer (then a senior writer, now a North Florida freelancer and grandpa): As an in-tensifying Andrew ap-proached, I was tapping away like crazy about the first hurricane to threaten South Florida in decades, when assis-tant managing editor Il-eana Oroza walked by. She stopped for a sec-ond, smiled impishly, and said, “As you write, don’t even think about the fact that you’re writ-ing the story that every Herald reporter has waited to write for the last 30 years.”

Marie Dillon (then an assistant state editor, NOAA / Satellite and Information Service

| STROUSE |

Hanging ChadThe Dolphins are hypocrites for cutting Johnson. BY LUTHER CAMPBELL

The Miami Dolphins are the most hyp-ocritical football organization to ever be featured on national television.

Cutting Chad Johnson, one of the top wide receivers in the NFL, was completely unfair. Before his wife, Evelyn Lozada, accused him of head-butting her, Johnson was one of the

few players in the league to never get ar-rested. Yes, he’s a clown who loves to

mug for the cameras, but every NFL team has a jokester. How the heck can head coach Joe Philbin tell Johnson he doesn’t fit into the Dolphins’ program when he apparently condones veterans hazing rookies by

shaving their hair to look like pe-nises? Philbin’s got some nerve.

Besides, the Dolphins have a history of keeping players who get in trouble off the football field. In 2010, the team didn’t cut then-defensive linemen Tony McDaniel and Phillip Merling, both of whom had been arrested for domestic battery against their significant others during training camp. Around the same time, running back Ron-nie Brown and cornerback Will Allen were popped for DUI. Those incidents occurred the same year the Dolphins traded for Brandon Marshall, a talented wide receiver who had four arrests before coming to Mi-ami, including one for domestic violence. In April 2011, Marshall was involved in another domestic dispute in which his wife stabbed him. He stayed on the Dolphins’ roster.

The truth is that anyone watching the first two episodes of Hard Knocks: Training Camp With the Miami Dolphins could tell Philbin didn’t like Johnson and wanted any reason to let him go. But in doing so, Philbin shows how some NFL coaches and general manag-ers such as Jeff Ireland are full of crap. They preach about the Dolphins being a family and that players need to stick together and ride or die together. Yet when it came time for Philbin to support Johnson and show him the Dolphins were behind him, the head coach turned on him. Even some players are openly questioning Philbin’s decision. On Sid Rosenberg’s show last week, linebacker Kar-los Dansby said he hated that the Dolphins didn’t give Johnson a chance to atone.

The franchise’s treatment of Chad shows why no signature free agents want to play for Miami. In getting rid of the clown, the Dolphins proved themselves to be a joke.

Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.


| LUKE’S GOSPEL |

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now a Chicago Tribune editorial writer): As the storm approached the Herald building, we couldn’t stop ourselves from watching out the windows over the bay, even though everyone kept telling everyone else to stand back from the glass. The water was some-times churning up so high it washed over the bridge. Once in a while, a lone car would come flying over the bridge, carrying a driver who, I assume, had decided not to try to ride it out on the island after all.

Later, as I settled in on the state desk, I looked across at my boss, John Pancake, and said, “Is this building hurricane-safe?”

He gave me his wry little smile and said, “We don’t know.”

Lizette Alvarez (then a reporter, now a New York Times Miami bureau chief) and Don Van Natta (then a reporter, now a senior reporter

at ESPN the Maga-zine, and Lizette’s husband): When Hurricane Andrew hit the coast, we thought the storm had bypassed us al-together. We were at the Comfort Inn in Florida City, one of several cities ran-domly chosen by edi-tors who hoped to have reporters on the ground when the storm hit. From our

rooms, we heard a stream of radio reports of people describing vicious, house-rattling winds from their bathrooms and closets. Ev-ery five minutes or so, we would open our motel door, walk out, and feel nothing but stillness and disappointment.

Just as we settled in for a night of bore-dom, Andrew spun our way, launching us on a game of hide-and-seek that would last all night. The winds hit the Comfort Inn so abruptly we were forced to dash from room to room as the roof flipped off in chunks. We met up with a dozen or so tourists during this race to outrun the motel’s demolition. The hotel manager saved all our lives by warning us that the winds would shift after the eye of the storm and we should head for the intact rooms facing north.

Then, at the tail end of the storm, a group of us was trapped in one room. The air pressure outside wouldn’t let us open the door. The roof rattled, and the walls started to buckle. We dragged a mattress to the bathroom and tried to shield our heads. One woman started crying. A couple of us kept racing to the door to force it open, but it wouldn’t budge. I stepped into the bath-tub with several others and we started to pray.

Don and another man pushed up on the bathroom roof with all their brawn. The roof lifted and slammed back down. It did it again and again. The howls were so deafening it was hard to stay calm.

Somebody ran to the door again — and this time it finally opened. By the time we rushed out of the room, it was cracking open.

We waited out the storm a few more hours and then found a German tourist, ter-rified but unscathed, under a mattress in a room that had been torn to shreds. When the sun finally peeped over the horizon, we

stood on an untouched slice of balcony and looked out. Florida City was unrecognizable.

Joe Tanfani (then a reporter, now a Los Angeles Times Washington bureau re-porter): I was considered a tiny, dwarfish talent and pretty much stuck in the office after the first day. One thing they had me doing was trying to track down the estima-ble Dade County mayor, Steve Clark. I wrote this story that pretty much said he was missing in action, and some time later, he chewed me out: “You know what I was do-ing? I was trying to get the water turned on at the Herald building!”

Ileana Oroza (then an assistant managing editor, now a University of Miami instructor): I spent the night on the floor in my office, and my visiting nephew was with me. I had

just managed to fall asleep around 3 or 4 a.m. when the phone rang. It was a journalist from Israel wanting a report on the hurri-cane. After the storm, we gathered around the copy desk to plan our next move. It was about 8 a.m. when the phone rang. One of the editors answered, and after a few seconds, said in a pleading voice: “Sir, we just had a hurricane.” The caller was an annoyed reader asking why his newspaper hadn’t been delivered.

Andrew Innerarity (then a staff photogra-pher, now a freelancer): When the storm hit, I was on a three-month leave of absence to backpack Europe. I came back a week after the storm with no idea how serious the whole thing was. The flight from London to MIA landed at night, and on approach, I’ll

never forget seeing a huge line of emer-gency vehicles, lights flashing someplace in Southwest Dade.

Once back at work in early September, I headed to Homestead every day for months. At city hall, the smell from the tons of do-nated clothing, which had been rained on daily, was unreal. The devastation was so thorough I could hardly recognize anything in the region.

I remember an Airborne soldier telling me how trashed the Air Force base was. He said the devastation was so complete that if the military “had attacked the place, the only thing [it] would have done different was cra-ter the runway.”


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THE WINDS HIT THE COMFORT INN SO ABRUPTLY WE WERE FORCED TO DASH FROM ROOM TO ROOM AS THE ROOF FLIPPED OFF IN CHUNKS.

September 7-8

2 Days Over 50 events

The first DWNTWN collectivearts and culture experience

We invite you to join us at the firstDowntown Miami arts and culture experience.

DWNWTN ART DAYS promises two days ofexhibitions, art tours, artist open studios,

arts conferences, film screenings andsurprise interactions with public projects.

Drive, bike, walk, take the Downtown Trolley orthe Metromover and explore some of

Miami’s finest museums, artist residencies,artist studios and public art programs.

www.DWNTWNartdays.com

Artisan Lounge • Arts and Business Council • Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts • Bayfront Park Trust • Beached Miami • Brickell Art Walk • George Sanchez Calderon Open Studio • Centro Cultural Espanol •

CIFO • HistoryMiami • LegalArt• Miami Art Museum • Miami Children’s Museum • Miami Dade Art in Public Places • Miami Dade College • Miami International Film Festival • Miami Science Museum • New World School of the Arts • Performances by Amy von

Harrington, PattiHer and more… • The Historic Alfred I Dupont building - DWNTWN Art Days Window Project •

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COMING OUT SWINGINGPro boxer Yathomas Riley is freed from prison after New Times sheds doubt on prosecutors’ case. BY MICHAEL E. MILLER

W ith an electronic buzz, the back door of the Miami-Dade Pre-Trial

Detention Center cracks open. A broad-shouldered man in a white T-shirt and prison-issued sandals steps into the muggy evening. It’s raining, but he doesn’t sense the fat drops on his fight-scarred face. After two years behind bars, Yathomas Riley doesn’t feel any-thing except an overpowering rush of freedom.

Riley’s release last Friday after two years in jail without a trial marks the sudden end to one of Miami’s strangest crime stories. As late as last week, the State Attorney’s Office had intended to prosecute the professional boxer for attempting to kill his girlfriend in a jeal-ous rage in June 2010.

But evidence unearthed by Miami New Times and published in a series of stories be-ginning in April showed that investigators had trusted an unreliable witness and ignored key facts. After our reporting prodded inves-tigators to re-examine their case, they dis-missed all the charges.

“You put all the pieces together,” Riley says of New Times. “You made all this possible.”

“At this time, the State is unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defen-dant, Yathomas Riley, shot the victim, Koketia King,” prosecutors determined in a close-out memo that credited New Times with bringing new evidence to light. “The victim had so pol-luted the case by lying to police, prosecutors, and the court for over two years that the State was forced to [drop the charges].”

The boxer’s real fight is only beginning, though. Despite spending two years in near-solitary confinement, Riley is already plan-ning a return to the ring. He’s also considering a lawsuit to demand compensa-tion for his wrongful incarceration.

“To sit inside of a cell for 18 months, know-ing that you’re innocent and knowing that the system hasn’t worked itself out, it takes a tough guy,” Riley’s attorney, Kionne McGhee, says. “This is probably the biggest bout that he’s ever faced.”

Riley’s remarkable rise through the boxing ranks was almost as surprising as its abrupt ending. He grew up in Florida City, one of the poorest parts of the state, and learned to throw a punch while scrapping with his six brothers. But Riley chose to play basketball, and it wasn’t until a spell in juvenile deten-tion for falling in with a gang that he learned to spar. He didn’t enter a real boxing ring un-til he was almost 21.

When he did, however, he dominated. The six-foot-one southpaw had a knack for pa-tiently pounding away at his opponent’s body, biding his time until the other boxer dropped his battered defense. Then Riley would un-leash a left hook. He shot up the amateur charts, winning two national amateur titles in 2006 as a light heavyweight. The next year,

he was competing for a spot on the U.S. Olympic team.

When Riley nar-rowly missed out on the 2008 Olympics, he signed a profes-sional contract with a New York pro-moter. He trained at a gym in the Bronx, where he met a doc-tor named Lisa Amodio. The two dated, and as Riley

mowed down his first eight opponents, Amo-dio worked as his cut woman.

But Riley’s South Florida past shadowed him. He maintained an off-and-on relation-ship with a Florida City corrections officer named Koketia King. The two had a son to-gether in 2007. And when Riley returned home in June 2010, he lived with his former flame.

Around midnight on June 10, 2010, Riley called the police sobbing and saying King had shot herself. Cops found Riley clutch-ing the couple’s 3-year-old son, Yaheim, while King bled on the bed. But when she woke up hours later at the hospital, she claimed an enraged Riley was the one who pulled the trigger.

King told police that Riley had pushed her onto the bed and told her: “If you don’t sit down, I’m going to shoot you.” When she re-fused, he shot her three times in the leg and the vagina, she claimed.

Riley told a very different story, though, and when we looked into it, we found evi-dence supporting his version of events. Ear-lier on the day of the shooting, Riley found a letter from an inmate in King’s purse. It con-tained a social security number disguised as a phone number.

He suspected King had been helping in-mates file fraudulent tax returns in exchange for a share of the bogus refunds. So the boxer confronted King about the letter and told her that getting mixed up with tax fraud when she had a good job, children, and his support was “like shooting yourself in the ass.”

That’s when King pulled a Glock from her purse and fired a round into her buttocks, Ri-ley told police. She said she would kill herself to prove she loved him. Then she pointed the gun at her head. Riley lunged for it, but it was too late.

An April 19 New Times article revealed that both physical evidence and witnesses’ statements supported Riley’s story. Cops found gunshot residue on King’s hands but not on his, for instance. And doctors deter-mined she was shot twice — once in the but-tocks and then the head — as consistent with his claims. King, meanwhile, changed her tes-timony multiple times, including altering im-portant details about how and where she was shot. Yet cops never investigated Riley’s claims about the tax fraud, and prosecutors dismissed them as unfounded.

Then, in June, New Times published an update based on evidence recently obtained

by the defense: photos of the bloody letter found at the scene of the crime. Not only did it contain a social security number disguised as a phone number, as Riley had always claimed, but also the number matched that of a former Florida inmate who told New Times she’d had her identity stolen and false IRS tax returns filed in her name numerous times.

Prosecutors insisted they still had the evi-dence to take Riley to trial. But the New Times article prompted prosecutors to re-question King. Last month, she made a shocking confession: She had, in fact, been helping Andre Pinder — a career criminal convicted of murder, manslaughter, and es-caping from prison — fill out false returns.

Last week, New Times published a second update revealing King’s confession and the rapidly unraveling case against Riley. Though the boxer had spent two years in jail without bond and been subject to innumerable proce-dural delays, prosecutors remained steadfast.

But that changed last Friday, when the State Attorney’s Office suddenly dropped all the charges. In the close-out memo, prosecu-tors attributed the decision to this newspa-per’s reporting. “The victim lied about the contents of a key piece of evidence — the blood-stained letter from a prisoner,” lead prosecutor Anna Quesada wrote. “It was not until the State read a Miami New Times arti-cle, several weeks after it had been published, that [King’s connection to the tax fraud] was ever brought to the State’s attention.”

McGhee, Riley’s attorney, claims there is a federal investigation into the tax fraud ring at the correctional facility where King worked. He also hints at a lawsuit seeking compensation for the two years of boxing that Riley has missed.

“Ray Charles could have seen through [some of the evidence against Riley],” Mc-Ghee says. “Ms. King was a correctional offi-cer, which brings an extra ingredient of [police and prosecutors] protecting their own. There may have been a rush to judg-ment by certain people involved in this case... An apology is owed to Mr. Riley.”

Standing outside jail after his release, however, Riley has only one thought: becom-ing a champion. For two years, he’s been shadow-boxing in his cell, imagining a bout against Chad Dawson, the current WBC light heavyweight titleholder.

“Chad Dawson and everybody that’s on top better watch out, because I’m comin’ for ya,” Riley growls. Then, on cue, he snaps rapid-fire punches into the air. It’s as if the undefeated boxer, surrounded by a cheering crowd of family, friends, and complete strang-ers, is already back in the ring.

“I feel bad for the first guy he fights,” his brother Julius says. “You don’t want to be that guy.”


Jacob Katel

| METRO |

THOUGH RILEY HAD SPENT TWO YEARS IN JAIL WITHOUT BOND, PROSECUTORS STILL INSISTED THEY HAD THE EVIDENCE TO TRY HIM.

Yathomas Riley the day of his release.

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As Republicans prepared to renominate Richard Nixon for president, gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson had a crank-fueled moment of clarity inside his Miami Beach hotel room.

“This may be the year when we finally come face to face with ourselves,” Thompson wrote in his classic Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail

’72. “We are really just a nation of 220 million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns, and no qualms at all about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.”

Within 24 months, after shredding the Constitution and carpet-bombing Cambodia to hell, Nixon snuck out of the White House like the “drooling red-eyed beast” Thompson had known him to be all along.

Now, 40 years later, the Republican National Convention is returning to Florida. On August 30, Mitt Romney will don a sleek suit and flash his Vaseline smile to a sea of pale-skinned delegates in Tampa. He will com-pliment the city on hosting the four-day, $123 million orgiastic event. And he will implore the crowd to obey the banners hung from the rafters: “Believe in America.”

Outside the towering Tampa Bay Times Forum, meanwhile, ornery unbelievers will be confined like cattle to designated protest zones. There will be Black Bloc anarchists, Code Pink soccer moms dressed as giant vaginas, a poor people’s camp called Romneyville, and tens of thousands of Ron Paul fanatics descending like libertarian locusts to devour whatever scraps their septuagenarian savior tosses them.

Barred by city officials from bringing masks, puppets, or tricycles, the malcontents will be surrounded by 4,000 heavily armed police — not to mention a city full of conservatives with concealed weapons and a distaste for godless liberals. More than 35,000 die-hard believers will jet into town for a week of GOP glitz, gluttony, and gun worship. They’ll be joined by 15,000 headline-hunting journalists and another 15,000 protesters.

While the mainstream media sucks down speeches by Romney and his new budget boy toy, Paul Ryan, New Times is honoring Thompson’s legacy by doing as he would have done in Tampa: dredging up the real, sordid story behind the convention.

It’s not something you’ll see on CNN. But screw Wolf Blitzer. We’ve got our own guides: pole dancers poised to suck rich Repub visitors dry, profes-

sional Sarah Palin porn impersonator Lisa Ann prepping for the performance of a lifetime, aging strip club owner Joe Redner fighting off cancer to flip

right-wingers his middle finger one last time, and Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi returning to his home state to chronicle the madness.

“Florida has a lot going for it,” Mandvi says. “Tampa is the birthplace of Hooters, for God’s sake.”

Make no mistake: The RNC’s return to the Sunshine State is no fluke. For Romney, Ryan, and the rest of the party, Florida is the future.

Since Nixon’s days, conservatives have transformed Florida into a hellish postgovernmental wasteland. Here, super-PACs run wild through suburbs in foreclosure, people trust in only God or their Glock, and the poor are left to literally cannibalize one another on the nightly news. But hey, there’s no state income tax!

As in ’72, Florida is the template for a right-wing takeover in 2012. Pay attention, America, because this crazy collapsed state could soon be yours too.

Americans have long known Florida as the tacky tropical paradise where grandparents go to die — an isthmus of endless sandy beaches and unlimited cottage cheese. Then came the 2000 election, and like a maggot-in-fested mango, the Sunshine State was revealed to be

full of crap.The backwardness goes way beyond blowing the election

and ushering Dubya into office. Decades of conservative dominance in the capitol have made Florida into a dystopian test kitchen for Republicans’ craziest ideas. Mass deregulation coupled with hacked education budgets has made Ponzi schemes the state’s biggest industry. More than a million residents are packing heat. And murder is essentially legal thanks to the Stand Your Ground law.

But all the evidence you need of Florida’s dysfunction comes from a quick study of the state’s fearless leaders — the ones America will soon meet via cable news broadcasts from Tampa.

Let’s start at the top: At the head of the crazy parade is Gov. Rick Scott. His poll numbers read like a thermometer in Reyk-javík. For good reason. With his pale, shaven head and unblink-ing eyes, he looks — and governs — like Lord Voldemort.

Scott’s shadiness preceded his election by decades. As a young lawyer in Texas, he turned a $125,000 investment in two hospi-tals into a massive health-care empire. Then the feds came sniffing around. They accused Scott’s company — Columbia/HCA — of billing Medicare and Medicaid for bogus lab tests and charging the government for luxuries such as Kentucky Derby tickets. When the investigation went public in 1997, Columbia/HCA’s board booted Scott, but not before handing him $10 million cash and $300 million worth of stock. Three years later, the company pleaded guilty to 14 corporate felonies and paid the government a record $1.7 billion in fees.

You’d think the stink from the largest Medicare fraud case in history would stick to Scott, but in 2010, he ran for governor, dropping more than $75 million of his fortune to recast himself — like Romney >> p17

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|— as an entrepreneur. He won by just 1 percent over Democrat Alex Sink (a candidate so bland she’s best remembered today as the great-grand-daughter of a Siamese twin circus performer).

Scott’s two years in office have been a nightmare of GOP talking points turned re-ality. First, he pushed through a law requir-ing drug tests for welfare applicants, saying it was “unfair for Florida taxpayers to subsi-dize drug addiction.” Instead, taxpayers have subsidized $200,000 worth of tests, much of them conducted by a company owned by Scott’s wife. Capitalism! (Oh, and so far, only 2 percent of the tests have come back positive.) Never mind the fact that the law is likely a violation of the Fourth Amendment’s protection against unrea-sonable searches.

Scott didn’t stop there. He also re-quired drug tests of every state em-ployee (because society falls apart if the dudes at the DMV smoke a joint once in a while) and signed a truly bizarre law banning doctors from discussing gun ownership with their patients. He let local governments steamroll the Ev-erglades and then rejected a $2.4 bil-lion high-speed rail system between Orlando and Tampa (which was to be paid entirely by the feds and private businesses). Why? Because trains are communist, you pinko.

Scott’s biggest priority in office, though, has echoed his Republican overlords’ national plans: Suppress poor and minority voters. Last sum-mer he signed a law slashing early voting from 14 days to eight and out-lawing voting on the Sunday before the election — coincidentally, the day that black churchgoers usually drive en masse to vote for Democrats. The law made it more difficult for liberal-leaning students to update their ad-dresses to get ballots, and it threatened voter registration groups with fines. Even the Boy Scouts of America took offense.

And Scott targeted Hispanics by ordering a purge of “potentially ineligible” voters from the rolls. It turned out that hundreds were perfectly legit citizens — including one guy who had survived combat in World War II.

You might think you’re safe from this in-sanity in your East Village apartment or Los Angeles rancho, but the Republicans’ Fran-kenstein-like experimentation in Florida is

already beginning to spread. The most infa-mously insane idea to go viral is the Stand Your Ground law, at the heart of neighbor-hood watchman George Zimmerman’s de-fense for fatally shooting unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin.

Normally, to claim self-defense, someone is required to retreat from a threat before opening fire. But in 2005, Florida put the onus on prosecutors to show shooters’ lives were not in danger. Soon the legislation spread to 24 other states.

In Florida, Stand Your Ground has been

used by drug dealers to escape murder charges, invoked by one guy after shooting a bear, and cited by a jogger who beat a Jack Russell terrier. According to the Tampa Bay Times, the law is unevenly enforced to favor whites over blacks and Hispanics. And re-searchers at Texas A&M University recently

found it has actually increased homicides across the nation.

Sadly, Stand Your Ground isn’t the only scourge Florida has unleashed upon the States. Decades of deregulation have made it the epicenter of the country’s foreclosure cri-sis. That same blind faith in business has also turned it into a veritable Scam-istan, ruled by Ponzi schemers such as retiree-bilking Ber-nie Madoff, cricket-crazy R. Allen Stanford, golden-toilet-owning attorney Scott Roth-stein, bogus University of Miami booster Nevin Shapiro, and dozens of others.

Meanwhile, poor residents have borne the brunt of steep budget cuts. Programs for mental health, substance abuse, and the homeless have been slashed. So when “Miami Zombie” Rudy Eugene ate the face off of indigent Ronald Poppo a few months ago, Floridians weren’t nearly as surprised as the rest of the nation.

Hunter Thompson would be similarly un-fazed: “Civilization ends at the waterline,” he once wrote. “Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.”

O versize pink vaginas. Black Bloc anar-chists. The bright-orange spurt of pep-per spray into a crowd. Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn has Technicolor night-

mares of what could go wrong at the RNC. The moderate Democrat didn’t ask for his city to host the event. But if anything goes awry, it will be endlessly looped on television and YouTube, and he’ll be blamed.

“Other than the Olympics, this will be the most-watched television event in the world this year,” he says. “So yeah, hosting a con-vention in the middle of hurricane season in this economic and political environment leads to a little gray hair.”

These are strange days for Tampa, and for America. Over the past decade, political po-larization has turned the country into a powder keg. Buckhorn’s job is to prevent tens of thousands of convention conserva-tives and left-leaning protesters from com-busting on his streets. It won’t be easy. If the nation has long been coming apart at the seams, Tampa could be the crotch that fi-nally splits wide open.

Inside the convention center will be ti-tans of industry, the billionaire Koch brothers, hordes of Tea Partiers in tri-cornered hats, Bill O’Reilly and Fox News freaks, Karl Rove with his Crossroads GPS super-PAColytes, and a few thousand fawning female Christian fundamentalists toting “Enraptured by Paul Ryan” signs.

On the other side of the picket line will be those resisting America’s rightward shift: Code Pink matriarchs clad as pa-

pier-mâché vulvas, carbon-neutral nou-veau hippies, and the moldy leftovers of

the Occupy movement. More than 15,000 protesters are expected. Videos threatening violence, supposedly by international hacker group Anonymous, have already been uploaded online.

“Mayor Buckhorn can shove his authoritar-ian zones up his ass,” says a masked protester in one video. “When protest becomes illegal, there is no other option left but to fight.”

Buckhorn says demonstrators have noth-ing to fear: “I’ve been very clear from the get-go that if you’re coming here to protest, you’re welcome. But if you step out of line and if you’re coming here to cause mayhem, we are going to deal with you.”

Fear and Loathing in Tampa from p15

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The mayor is a cheery man with bright, beady eyes dropped like blueberries onto a doughy face. In true American fashion, he’ll be happy if he can survive August with maxi-mum profit and minimum scandal.

“I’m agnostic until the convention is over. For me, it’s not about red-state, blue-state. It’s about green,” Buckhorn admits, estimating the convention will bring Tampa more than $175 million.

Bipartisan bonhomie goes only so far, though. The Secret Service prohibits guns within the convention center, but in a state with more than a million concealed-weapons permits, Tampa will be swimming in side-arms. When Buckhorn asked the governor to ban concealed weapons temporarily in town during the convention, Scott scoffed.

“I’m not an anti-gun kind of guy. I’ve got guns. Up until probably six months ago, I had a concealed-weapons permit,” Buckhorn boasts. “But to interject guns into a potentially com-bustible environment to me is absurd.”

He says Scott’s snarky response was prob-ably written by the NRA. “He has his opin-ions about the Second Amendment, and he isn’t going to let the safety of the public or our police officers get in the way of it.”

Scott’s decision isn’t popular in left-leaning Tampa, but it has gone down well in nearby, rabidly Republican Hillsborough County.

“Who’s more likely to have a gun: a pinko commie liberal or a God-fearing Republi-can?” reasons Joseph Wendt, a Romney sup-porter in the area. “If you’re a bunch of liberal activists going to protest a conservative event where people are legally allowed to carry guns, you better behave.”

Buckhorn’s stance hasn’t exactly endeared him to progressives plotting to protest the convention, either. They decry his plan to put them in three “clean zones” located several blocks from the Times Forum. And they fear retaliation from the 4,000 heavily armed po-lice officers — paid for by a $50 million Homeland Security grant — who will cordon off downtown.

“We’re not going to do anything illegal,” says Corey Uhl, head of Students for a Demo-cratic Society at the University of South Flor-ida. “But with the recent frameups of NATO protesters in Chicago, you never know what the government will do.”

Others are arguably already breaking the law. A group called the Poor People’s Eco-nomic Human Rights Campaign rented the land behind an Army surplus store near the Forum. They spread mulch on the parking lot, set up a portable toilet, erected Pepto-Bis-mol-pink tents, and called it “Romneyville.” Local officials say the tents violate zoning laws, but protesters say they’ll handcuff themselves to fences rather than leave.

“Republicans can’t ignore us,” says Bruce Wright, one of the campaign’s organizers.

“This is the future of the United States if things don’t change.”

Buckhorn’s office has tried to contain the craziness by barring protesters from bring-ing props such as puppets and masks. But he will have his hands full with Code Pink’s va-gina costumes.

The outfits were inspired by an incident last year when a Democratic state rep joked that the only way for a Florida woman to avoid Republicans’ invasive reproductive reg-ulations was to “incorporate her uterus.” Re-

publicans scolded him for using the word on the House floor.

“These stupid old-boy white men want to legislate our vaginas,” says Anita Stewart, a home health-care practitioner with a grand-motherly air. “They came out of a vagina and spend the rest of their lives trying to crawl back up in one, but they don’t want to hear the word.

“We’re not in the 17th Century anymore,” Stewart says. “Vagina!”

Governor!” The shout spun Rick Scott away from his budget presentation and toward the press pool. “You ben-efit from hundreds of thousands of

taxpayer dollars every year,” asked a reporter he didn’t recognize. “So would you be willing to pee into this cup to prove to Florida taxpay-ers that you’re not on drugs, that you’re not us-ing that money for drugs?”

“I’ve done it plenty of times,” Scott stuttered.“Would you pass this forward to the gov-

ernor?” the reporter said, handing another journalist an empty plastic piss cup.

Sadly, Scott didn’t take a leak. But the gov-ernor had been punked. Two months later, the stunt aired on an episode of The Daily Show, lambasting Scott for his welfare drug testing.

It was the most visible victory yet for a na-tive son bent on airing his home state’s unpar-alleled craziness. “When I first came to Florida as a boy, I said to myself: One day I’m going to ask the governor of this state to give me a urine sample in the middle of a press con-ference,” says Aasif Mandvi, the comedian-cum-satirist. “Finally my dream came true, and I can cross it off my bucket list.”

The Daily Show host Jon Stewart insists the program is “fake news,” yet its skits surgi-cally expose political hypocrisy better than any 60 Minutes piece. Florida is a favorite tar-get, and Mandvi, who grew up in Tampa, is the perfect gonzo guide.

Born in Mumbai, Mandvi moved to north-ern England when he was a year old. Fifteen years later, his shop-owner father saw ads for real-estate deals in Florida and moved the family to Tampa. “I came from an all-boys Brit-ish boarding school to a place where girls were wearing short shorts and everyone was run-ning around on skateboards,” he remembers. “It was completely another dimension for me.”

As a Muslim Indian with a British accent, Mandvi was triply out of place. His new

As in ’72, Florida is the template for a right-wing takeover in 2012. Pay

attention, America, because this crazy collapsed state could soon be yours too.

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neighbors didn’t know what to make of him. “I don’t think that in the 1980s Americans knew that there were other countries,” he jokes. “They knew that the oil came from somewhere, but they weren’t sure where exactly.”

After high school, he stayed in Tampa to attend the University of South Florida. He majored in theater and later landed a job at Disney-MGM Studios in Orlando making fun of guests as part of a wandering improv group. Three years later, he moved to New York.

Watching the city grow suspicious of Muslim-Americans following the Sep-tember 11 terror-ist attacks, Mandvi turned his comedy po-litical. In off-Broadway plays, he mined the “idea of sitting between cul-tures, between East and West, being Muslim-American but having that ex-perience of be-ing a kid in Florida.” The Daily Show asked him to audition in 2007, and he was hired the same day.

During the past four years, he has traveled the country for segments, but many of his most memorable moments have happened in the Sunshine State.

“Florida is such a huge piece of the pie in terms of national elections,” Mandvi says, “so it becomes a kind of lightning rod for all kinds of political energy. There is a reason why the Republicans are having the conven-tion in Tampa this year.”

He pauses before offering another expla-nation for the locale of next week’s event: “You can’t ignore the fact that the Republi-cans are coming and having their conven-tion in the city that has the best strip clubs in the world.”

In five years on the campaign trail, Man-dvi has learned what to expect from mo-ments like the RNC. In Tampa, there will be a vastly different scene from the one at the Dems’ convention in Charlotte.

“The DNC felt like just a big frat party, with kegs and people having a great time and dancing. The afterparties were all video-games,” he says of the 2008 convention in Denver. “Then the parties at the RNC always seemed to be debutante balls, with ice sculp-tures and women in ball gowns.”

In Florida, The Daily Show won’t struggle for material. Just ask executive producer Rory Albanese, who has helped coordinate coverage of six past conventions.

“A lot of that is just because it looks like

America’s penis,” he says of Florida. “We didn’t invent that. If it was Long Island, like I’m from, we wouldn’t be a very well-hung country.”

The Tampa convention also dovetails with two of The Daily Show’s most recurring themes: the mainstream media’s failings and money’s ever-expanding role in politics.

“We all love watching CNN during debates or on election night,” Albanese says. “It’s like they have Q from the James Bond movies in

the basement saying, ‘OK, Anderson [Cooper], here is the new jetpack. You’re going to be fly-ing around the studio.’ What weird piece of technology will CNN have spent $50 million on and have no need for tonight?”

In May, The Daily Show’s close cousin, The Colbert Report, poked fun at a mysterious South Floridian named Josue Larose for forming more than 600 PACs and 64 super-PACs, supposedly representing everyone from supermodels to Taco Bell customers.

As usual, Comedy Central’s pranks hint at a deeper, darker truth. For months, the Tampa area has been flooded with political attack ads by shady, well-financed super-PACs, says Mayor Buckhorn. On a national scale, these anonymous expenditures could decide the election.

“There is so much political advertising coming through here, none of which is saying anything nice about anybody. And that’s true of both sides,” he says.

For a moment, Buckhorn sounds almost as cynical as Mandvi peeking behind the politi-cal curtain and finding nothing but frat boys drinking and screwing.

“The ads are just nonstop,” he admits. “It’s gotten to the point where we see so

much of it that I almost long for the days of those Cialis ads.”

U nder the black lights of the Mons Ve-nus strip club, Monica’s eyes and teeth glow like St. Elmo’s fire. Six-inch sti-lettos dangle from her toes as she sits

at a waist-high table. Her folded arms prop up her bare, surgically enhanced breasts, nip-ples staring in opposite directions like a gun-slinger’s pistols. She smells like mint chewing

gum and cigarettes. It’s a Monday after-noon. On an octago-

nal stage, a thin Asian girl grinds her naked hips against a pole as a few customers gaze at the gyrating spectacle.

“It’s going to be as big as the Super Bowl,” Monica says of the convention, over the heavy thumps of a hip-hop song. “Why do you think they are having it here in Tampa? It’s the Mons. People have got to see what it’s all about, even Re-publicans.”

For millions of Americans, the RNC will be a pivotal po-litical moment. In picking Romney and Ryan, Republicans will commit to a rad-ical vision in which government and its social role are deci-mated, while the

rich pay lower taxes than any point since the

Spanish flu ravaged the earth.But for strippers, porn stars, and a small

group of savvy small-business owners, the convention means something much simpler: money. And lots of it. They’re banking big on the fact that the same guys waxing noble about family values will be lining up at titty bars after midnight.

“The history we’ve heard about the RNC is that there are people who will come out and spend,” says Tony Hernandez, the man-ager of the Tampa Gold Club, “whether it’s the delegates or the construction guys setting up and breaking things down.”

Strip clubs have pimped themselves out in anticipation. The Gold Club has installed more black granite and marble tile than in a P. Diddy mansion. There will be $7 grouper nuggets and $18 veal shank on the menu, Hernandez says, plus Dom Pérignon and ci-gars, of course. There will also be giant flat-screen monitors so delegates can tweet about the convention even while getting a lap dance.

But if that isn’t elite enough for one-per-centers, they can rent a private skybox with its own bar and stripper stage. A private en-trance allows limos to pull right up to the door and prevents paparazzi from


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|snapping politically embarrassing photos. And as a special convention bonus, delegates will also be treated to an assortment of their favorite adult-film stars.

“We’re bringing in different porn stars from everywhere,” Hernandez says, rattling off names like Nikki Delano and Nina Mercedez.

In fact, nearly every club is already see-ing an influx of porn stars, as well as out-of-state and out-of-retirement strippers. Hernandez says his club will keep things strictly apolitical, but others are playing right into the RNC theme.

“I’m going to do my Palin show,” says Lisa Ann, a porn star who over the past four years has impersonated the Alaskan VP can-didate in classics such as Who’s Nailin’ Pay-lin? and the point-of-view flick You’re Nailin’ Palin.

“I come out in my Sarah Palin suit with my hair up and my glasses, and I dance and strip and give away a lot of Palin paraphernalia,” she says of her two-night performance at Thee DollHouse. “It’s going to be fun.”

Ann, who once appeared in a live sex scene with a Mitt Romney look-alike almost as stiff as the real thing, swears her perfor-mance isn’t political commentary. “I’m sure that there will be a bunch of people from the convention there,” she says, “but I’m not here to make fun of politicians.”

There is at least one Tampa luminary for whom flashing T&A will be about more than making some cash. Joe Redner, the 72-year-old owner of Mons Venus, is a philosophizing free-speech advocate who has donated his land to the Occupy Tampa movement. He’s also a pain in local politicians’ asses. In 1976, Redner took over a bar called the Night Gal-lery, and after hearing on the radio about the Supreme Court’s decision to allow nudity in movies, he concluded that nude dancing would have to be protected as well.

For years, Redner played cat-and-mouse with Tampa police. When a girl stripped on-stage, undercover cops would arrest her. But as soon as they took her outside, Redner would replace her with another. Then he’d go bail out the first girl. “It took nine girls on a three-girl rotation for us not to get shut down,” he laughs. “They ran out of undercovers!”

Redner himself was arrested dozens of times. Eventually, he won an injunction against the city’s nudity ordinance. Since then, he has run eight times for political of-fice. In 2007, he lost in a runoff for city coun-cil with 44 percent of the vote. He has pretended in court to be gay to prevent a ho-mophobic law from being enforced. His bat-tles have pitted him against Hillsborough County Christian fundamentalists such as state Sen. Ronda Storms, who has likened Redner to the Devil.

Like other strip club owners, Redner says he looks forward to taking Republicans’ money. But he sees it as long-overdue eco-nomic redistribution from the rich to the poor (his dancers are self-employed, receiving 100 percent of their lap dance fees and tips).

“The big businesses, energy companies, and banks that back the Republicans have been stealing from the little people for years,” he says. “Now we’re going to take some of their money. I’m glad to.”

Redner doesn’t hide his opinions. He

doesn’t have time to. He’s got stage 4 lung cancer and a deep cough that reminds him of his inevitable death. He doesn’t want to see the country he’s gone to jail for more than 150 times — yes, a country with titty bars and pornography — thrown out for a re-actionary Reich.

“I’m already used to the invasion of conser-vatives,” he says. “They’ve invaded our whole country and taken over our whole system.”

He won’t be in town for the RNC. Instead, he’ll be in Vegas for a strip club convention. It’s better that way, he says. In Sin City, Red-ner won’t have to watch Mitt Romney preach about “family values” while calling for a war with Iran.

Re dner wants no part of Romney’s Amer-ica. He gazes around at his club. “I prefer to be in here with the decent humans,” he says.

After he left Florida’s RNC and Nixon crushed George McGovern, Hunter Thompson was in no mood to forgive America.

“The ‘mood of the nation’ in 1972 was so overwhelmingly vengeful, greedy, bigoted, and blindly reactionary that no presidential candidate who even faintly reminded ‘typical voters’ of the fear & anxiety of the 1960s had any chance at all of beating Nixon,” Thomp-son wrote. “All they wanted in the White House was a man who would leave them alone and do anything necessary to bring calmness back into their lives — even if it meant turning the whole state of Nevada into a concentration camp for hippies.”

Forty years later, many Americans are again greedy and afraid — afraid of immigrants, afraid of upsetting “job creators” by not giving

them tax breaks the country can’t afford, and afraid of paying 11 cents more for their pizza so the kid delivering it can have health insurance.

Who knows where President Mitt Rom-ney plans to put the hippies. But one thing is for sure: He’ll leave Americans alone, just as the Sunshine State has left Floridians alone all these years. Ponzi schemers will prolifer-ate. Developers will bulldoze pristine land into parking lots. Everyone will carry a gun. Unless you’re poor, of course. Then you’ll have to piss into a cup.

But if 16 years of Romney and Ryan’s right-wing republic get to you, take Thompson’s advice: “Load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard.”

Mexico, here we come.



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THU 8/23 ▼ FOOD & DRINK

FIVE COURSES FOR A CAUSEIt isn’t very often that ten of the most sought-after local chefs come together to prepare a banquet of gustatory deliciousness, but once a year this very thing happens right here in South Florida. At the W Hotel in Fort Lauder-dale (401 N. Fort Lauderdale Beach Blvd., Fort Lauderdale), ten culinary superstars, in-cluding Adrianne Calvo of Chef Adrianne’s, Andy Trousdale of Le Bistro, and the W’s own Carlos Jorge, will cook for 100 lucky diners at Chefs Up Front. Ten tables of ten guests will be set up, with each chef creating a five-course meal for a table. If you are seated with Calvo, for example, you will dine on French onion smoked salmon, sweet-and-spicy pork belly,

and 24-hour braised prime short rib with tar-tare and whipped sweet potato.

The $200 you pay for the privilege of this intimate meal, as well as proceeds from the con-current silent auction, will go to FLIPANY, a lo-cal nonprofit that sup-ports and implements nutrition education in Florida as part of Share Our Strength’s “Cooking Matters” program.

The reception begins at 5:30 p.m. Thurs-day and dinner at 7. Visit chefsupfront.org to purchase tickets and flipany.org to learn more about the campaign. REBECCA DITTMAR

FRI 8/24 ▼ SPORTS

DRESSING UP THE FINSThe third game of the NFL preseason is often considered the dress rehearsal for the regular

season. For the Miami Dolphins, it’ll also an-swer fans’ worries and fears: Are there any re-ceivers on the team? Will Vontae Davis win

back his starting corner-back position? Does new head coach Joe Philbin’s offense have any teeth to it? Then, of course, there’s the biggest question of all:

Who will be the team’s starting quarterback? So far, rookie Ryan Tannehill and last year’s capable starter Matt Moore have been fight-ing for starting position like a couple of Ger-man shepherds battling over the last bratwurst — even though signs point toward injured veteran David Garrard for the job.

Fittingly, on the other side of the field are the Atlanta Falcons, led by quarterback Matt Ryan. In the 2008 draft, the Miami Dolphins passed over the Pro Bowl quarterback for their number one overall pick in favor of of-fensive lineman Jake Long, a four-year Pro Bowler in his own right.

Kickoff is at 7:30 p.m. Friday at Sun Life Stadium (347 Don Shula Dr., Miami Gar-

dens), and tickets cost $45 to $700. Call 800-745-3000 or visit miamidolphins.com. RIC DELGADO

▼ DANCE

BALLET GONE GLOBALThe International Ballet Festival of Miami is one fest that lives up to its name. It involves dancers and companies from 15 countries and will take over stages throughout Miami, Miami Beach, and even Broward, this Fri-day through September 16. And this year, there’s a new feature: the Dance Film Series, a collaboration with the Dance Film Associ-ation of New York. This Friday through Sep-tember 2, films such as Ballanchine in Paris will screen at 9 p.m. at the Miami Hispanic Cultural Arts Center (111 SW Fifth Ave., Mi-ami) and Miami Beach Cinematheque (1130 Washington Ave., Miami Beach).

Of course, there will be live dance too — five performances in total. The Medal Win-ners Performance will feature young talent who have won international competitions; another will focus on contemporary ballet. Argentina and Brazil will be represented, as well as dancers from Israel, Turkey, and the Philippines. Organized by Cuban-born dancer and director Pedro Pablo Peña, the fest culminates with the Étoiles Grand Clas-sical Gala Ballet Performance at the Fill-more Miami Beach (1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach).

Tickets cost $28 to $55. Visit internationalballetfestival.org. ANNE TSCHIDA OF ARTBURSTMIAMI.COM

SAT 8/25 ▼ COMEDY

HOMETOWN LAUGH TRACK Nery Saenz is a funny man with a funny name. New Times named him Best Come-dian in its 2011 “Best of Miami” issue. The proudly Miami-born comic gets crowds gig-gling to the point of tears. His routines ap-peal to nationwide audiences, but pack a little extra punch for those of us in the 305. Though few of his tales are specifically about Miami, they’re seasoned with South Florida spice. Think living with your parents well past the age of 30, and mysterious check-engine lights that flicker on after your car has been pounded by 94-degree heat and 400-percent humidity.

SATURDAYPAGE 26Beautify our beaches. Get free booze.

MONDAYPAGE 28Switch goes inside worldwide energy production.

WEDNESDAYPAGE 30Screw your diet, and pig out for charity.

N I G H T DAYW E E K O F A U G U S T 2 3 - 2 9 , 2 0 1 2 W W W . M I A M I N E W T I M E S . C O M / C A L E N D A R

STRICTLY COME

DANCINGInternational Ballet Festival of Miami,

Friday

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BBQ, Games, face PaintinG and activities for the Kids

www.villaniGhts.com for ticKets and informationvilla 221: 221 ne 17th st. miami (305) 416-5280

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This Saturday at 8 and 10:15 p.m., Saenz will take his act to the Miami Science Mu-seum Theater (3280 S. Miami Ave., Miami). Come especially prepared to laugh, because this show, presented by Have-Nots Comedy, will be recorded and used for a future live comedy CD release. Tickets cost $10. Visit havenotscomedy.com. Read the full preview on page 33. RIC DELGADO

▼ ENVIRONMENT

SAVE OUR SHORES Most people don’t need any extra incentive to save the world — self-preservation is moti-vation enough. But just in case your charita-ble side could use a little stimulation, participants in the Surfrider Foundation’s upcoming beach restoration project will get a side of free booze with that warm, fuzzy feel-ing of do-goodery.

The coast-conscious charity is hosting an afternoon of dune restoration with sponsor Barefoot Wine. On the agenda is uprooting invasive, sun-sucking plants that have over-taken the dunes (scaevola, to be specific) and replacing them with native flora. Volunteers can expect to dig, pull, plant, and soak up some summer sun.

Attendees should wear strong shoes (no flip-flops), sun protection, and comfortable clothes. Bathing suits under clothes for a post-restoration dip are optional. Also, volunteers should bring refillable water bottles — the folks at Surfrider aren’t into disposable plastics.

After the hard but rewarding work is out of the way, anyone 21 and over will earn en-trance to a celebration at Hurricane Grill & Wings (3201 N. Miami Ave., Miami), featur-ing free bubbly, wine, and beach treats.

The restoration takes place from 2 to 5 p.m. Saturday at 53rd Street and Collins Ave-nue (look for the Surfrider tent), and the party at Hurricane Grill immediately fol-lows until 7 p.m. Students can also score community service credit for participating. Visit miamisurfrider.org. HANNAH SENTENAC

▼ THEATER

MYSTERY, MEAT Crowded dining rooms, ill-prepared food, an-noying companions — going out to dinner can be a real drag. Sometimes it’s hard to resist the urge to kill your fellow diners and the waitstaff.

Now you don’t have to. This Saturday, Ca-feina Lounge (297 NW 23rd St., Miami) in-vites you to do just that. Well, sort of.

The Murder Mystery Company, in partici-pation with Cafeina, will let amateur sleuths and foodies alike attempt to solve a case of death and deceit as they dine. The company will stage Crime and Pun-Ishment: A Mobster Murder Mystery, a classic caper set in the 1920s, with mobsters and gangsters galore. The Murder Mystery Company’s clever troupe of improv actors engages guests as they try to get to the bottom of a hysterical web of lies in the seedy underworld of dinner parties. You could wind up living your Board-walk Empire fantasies as the iconic thug or the classy dame while your tablemates at-tempt to solve the crime.

The three-course meal includes an appe-tizer, an entrée, and dessert with, ahem, a bang. Drink specials will also be available during the show. Attendees are encouraged to wear Clue-style attire for what promises to be a killer dining experience.

Crime and Pun-Ishment takes place on se-lect dates from August 24 through October 27. The show starts at 7 p.m. Tickets cost $60. Call 888-643-CLUE or visit grimprov.com/miami. BRIANA SAATI

SUN 8/26 ▼ POOL PARTY

FUNDAY AFTERNOON In other, less fortunate clubbing cities such as Las Vegas and Atlantic City, summer pool

Beach restorers defend the

dunes.

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season lasts only a few short months. Poor saps. In Miami, with pool weather year-round, it’s never the wrong time to start a weekly party that’s more about getting un-dressed than dressing up. With August wan-ing, another contender has entered the increasingly crowded Sunday sunlight pool-party fray: Icon Sundaze at the Dream Hotel (1111 Collins Ave., Miami Beach).

One of the stars of this party is the setting — the hotel’s newly hot Highbar. It’s a roof-top scene, making Icon Sundaze arguably the only Sunday pool party with a view of the whole island. The rest of the venue has retro touches such as sleek, white, low seat-ing and vaguely ’70s flourishes like concrete cutouts and gold railings. DJ Angelo pro-vides a suitably sexy soundtrack, with open-format selections spanning house, pop, hip-hop, and Latin.

Light bites for sale come courtesy of the hotel’s top-ranked New American restaurant, Tudor House. Whether you decide to go for hangover helper or hangover inducer, though, is up to you. The drinks sound tempt-ingly benign enough to tilt toward the latter, with seemingly harmless ingredients like tropical fruits and coconut rum abounding on the menu. Day-drink at your own risk, but get it together by dinnertime, because this cool-out runs from noon till only 8 p.m. Admission is free, and leave the kids at home; it’s an adults-only affair. Call 305-673-4747 or visit iconsundazepoolparty.com. ARIELLE CASTILLO

MON 8/27 ▼ FILM

GOING AND GOING AND GOING Harry Lynch’s new docudrama, Switch, will teach us a thing or two about energy conser-vation, and not the kind we wish we had left over for CrossFit at the end of a long workday. This filmmaker is more interested in preserv-ing the energy that actually makes our mod-ern world go ’round.

Energy powers just about everything soci-ety today depends upon: transportation, workspaces, homes, and communication. It allows for mechanized agriculture, modern medicine, credit cards, and electronic bank-ing on a global scale. For those reasons, en-ergy is the most pervasive commodity, but more often than not, we take it for granted. In Switch, Dr. Scott Tinker explores the world’s leading energy sites — producing power from sources such as coal, the sun, oil, and biofuel — many of which are highly restricted and never before seen on film. Shot in 11 countries at 27 world-leading energy sites, and using 53 expert interviews, the film gets straight an-swers from the people driving energy today.

Switch will screen Monday at Miami Beach Cinematheque (1130 Washington Ave., Miami Beach) as part of its Cinema Green se-ries, in collaboration with the Environmental Coalition of Miami & the Beaches. Find out what the future of energy really holds at 8 p.m. Tickets cost $10 for adults, $9 for stu-dents and seniors, and $8 for ECOMB and MBC members. Call 305-673-4567 or visit mbcinema.com. VANESSA MARTIN

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TUE 8/28 ▼ ART

ART À LA CARTE If you’re craving a mixed-media medley with your wild mushroom linguine or a conceptual canvas to spice up that order of clams sofrito, belly up to the Brickell Art Walk this Tuesday from 5 to 10 p.m. and tickle both your peepers and your palate.

With more of a boho-café-society vibe than a traditional gallery feel, BAW, held every last Tuesday of the month, fea-tures emerging local talent showcasing their wares at some of the Magic City’s trendiest eateries.

The event takes place in Mary Brickell Village (901 S. Miami Ave., Miami) at venues such as Perricone’s, Dolores but You Can Call Me Lolita, Barú Urbano, Burger & Beer Joint, and Balans. Participant creative types during this month’s cul-tural buffet will include Felipe Garcia, Pablo Gehr, Olga Mo-lina, Eva Marcela Avila, Emil Bodourov, and Laelanie Larach.

Make sure to knock back a couple of apple martinis before joining Avila for some of her trademark Brittoesque body painting. Next, bone up on Bo-dourov’s squid-like abstract confections while taking in Larach’s opulent blooming or-chid concoctions.

And if art à la carte isn’t enough to set your senses slavering, organizers say Plan Beat and guitarist Peter Betan will get their groove on to engage your ears.

Attendance is free. Call 305-606-2062 or visit brickellartwalk.com. CARLOS SUAREZ DE JESUS

WED 8/29 ▼ SPORTS

FIFTY SHADES OF MARLINS No, it’s not the 50 shades of rainbow colors splashing across the baseball team’s new uni-forms. It’s the soft-core porn novel that the Washington Nationals, who will face off against the Miami Marlins this Wednesday, are allegedly perusing in the dugout.

According to the Washington Post sports blog, the Nats really dig the so-called literary sensation Fifty Shades of Grey and have taken to reading passages of it to each other. There is photographic and video evidence.

We hope this means the players will keep their noses in the book and their heads out of the game against the Fish this week. Ear-lier this month, the Nats sent the Marlins home from D.C. with three losses in four games, so our hometown team could use a little redemption.

Wednesday’s game is a promotional day, with a Giancarlo Stanton bobblehead waiting for the first 15,000 fans inside. Wednesday also marks Puerto Rican Heritage Night.

First pitch is 7:10 p.m. at Marlins Stadium (1390 NW Sixth St., Miami). Tickets start at $10. Call 305-480-1300 or visit marlins.com. GRACE STAINBACK

▼ FOOD & DRINK

THE SWEETEST THING What’s better than an evening of tasting sweets? Doing something sweet for your fel-low man at the same time. That’s why Crave the Sweet Life is a win-win at Ricochet Bar & Lounge (3250 Buena Vista Blvd., Miami).

Wednesday at 7:30 p.m., $10 grants you ac-cess to this exclusive event where nearly two dozen of Miami’s sweetest restaurants and caterers will tempt you with an array of cakes, yogurts, juices, desserts, and other treats — many of them healthful and organic (includ-ing some gluten-free and vegan offerings).

Here’s where your chance at sweetness comes in. Bring two canned items for the event’s canned food drive, and you’ll be en-tered into a raffle for art, hand-crafted jew-elry, and take-home treats. You’ll also get a special goodie bag — just for being sweet. The nonperishables collected will be donated to local homeless shelters and food banks, in-cluding Curly’s House, which provides food to about 1,000 Little Haiti residents weekly.

After the tasting, stick around to dance off those extra calories with live cultural music and reggae vibes by Square Rootz, beginning at 11 p.m.

Tickets are available at the door or in ad-vance at cravethesweetlife.eventbrite.com. LAINE DOSS

Night & Day listings are offered free to New Times readers, subject to space restrictions. Send submis-sions to Night & Day Editor by e-mail ([email protected]), fax (305-571-7678), or mail (New Times, 4500 Biscayne Blvd., Miami, FL 33137). Please include zip code. Continuing items must be resubmitted monthly. No submissions will be taken by telephone. Deadline is noon Tuesday for the fol-lowing week’s issue, but it’s best to send information three weeks in advance. Search our complete Night & Day listings online. Because event dates and times are subject to change, please call the venue ahead of time to verify.

Sweet-tooth satisfaction at

Ricochet.

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It’s time to think outside the box for birth control…Segal Institute is currently conducting a research study for an investigational contraceptive gel.

Contraceptive Gel Research Study

Eligible participants:

• Must be healthy women between 18-35 years of age

• Must be sexually active in a monogamous relationship

• Will receive study birth control gel and related medical exams at no cost

• Wil receive compensation for time and transportation

For information and to see if you qualify call

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From Lesbian Ex to Newborn DaughterAward-winning comic Nery Saenz records his first CD.

BY JOHN THOMASON

N ery Saenz remembers Septem-ber 17, 2003, well. That was the date he performed standup comedy for the first time, at an open-mic competition at the

Miami Improv. He did five minutes of mate-rial, opening with a joke about his longtime girlfriend leaving him because she decided she was a lesbian.

“I talked about how it was hard getting over the relationship because we both had a lot in common: We both liked to travel, we both liked sports, and we both liked pussy. That was my first joke ever onstage.”

Not the most sophisticated bon mot, but not bad either, and it received howls of laugh-ter from the 80-some coworkers Saenz had invited to clog the club. Then age 22, Saenz killed his very first show. Afterward, he felt like he was about to hyperventilate, curled up in a fetal position backstage, and made a fran-tic call to his pastor.

“I’ve found why God has put me on this Earth,” he told the padre. “I remember clearly thinking that. I was in the process of going to school to become a teacher, and once I got offstage, I’m like, ‘I don’t think I’m going back to school.’ ”

Saenz will be 31 years old in September, and after almost nine years in the business, he’s accrued some enviable accolades. He won a comedy contest to become the official comedian of the Miami Dolphins in 2010, and in 2011, New Times honored him as the Best Comedian of the Year. Lisa Lampanelli and Bill Bellamy have praised his work, and this Saturday, Saenz will achieve a rite of passage: the recording of his first live standup CD.

“I’m excited. I don’t know how it feels to get on Comedy Central Presents, but this, to me, is the equivalent,” he says. “I’m beyond stoked, and I don’t even use the word stoked. That’s how stoked I am.”

The taping will cover two shows — at 8 and 10:15 p.m. — at an unlikely venue that is quickly becoming Miami’s hottest ticket for underground, affordable comedy — the 200-seat black-box theater inside the Miami Sci-ence Museum. The show will be produced by fellow comedians Dominic Perenzin and Jay Mays, whose Have-Nots production company has hosted appearances of local and touring comedians, including Erik Myers, Nikki Gla-ser, Al Jackson, and Dave Williamson.

“Our goal is to put the spotlight on South Florida for standup comedy,” Perenzin says. “Usually, when people think about great com-edy, they think New York and L.A. We’re just as talented down here, but not that many peo-ple know about it. We’re bringing up-and-comers... It’s like the person who saw Pearl Jam when they first played at a local club. Ten years later, you can say, ‘I saw them there, and I saw them when they were raw.’ ”

The Have-Nots have hosted shows at the Miami Improv, Area Stage, and Just the Funny, but Perenzin says his favorite space is the Miami Science Museum — family-friendly education hub by day, laugh factory by night.

“I love it. As a kid, I went to the museum on field trips,” says comedian Daniel Reskin, who runs the monthly Casa de Ha-ha showcase at

Sweat Records and who has performed at the museum. “The very stage I’m per-forming on was where I used to watch sci-ence demonstrations, where they’d take a rose and put it in liq-uid nitrogen and smash it.”

Incidentally, Casa de Ha-ha will cele-brate its fourth anni-versary next month of bringing alterna-tive comedy to Little

Haiti with a party that will include a free open bar and live music. The event will fall on September 11 — “the funniest day of the year,” Reskin says.

Saenz’s style hasn’t changed much since that first bit about his lesbian girlfriend. From the beginning, his life

has been his material; many of his current jokes revolve around his wife (he married his girlfriend of five years in 2011) and his 9-month-old daughter. He has a hilarious, nostalgic bit about school supplies — about the purchasing of a superfluous compass and protractor every year — and a riff about Trap-per Keepers that any Gen-Xer will appreciate.

As a performer, Saenz is a bit like Stanley Kubrick, a tyrannical film director who de-manded infinite takes because the previous ones were never good enough. “I don’t have very many videos up on my website; I do one video a year, because I’m never happy with them,” he says. “The moment I post a video, I’ll be happy for two to four weeks, and then I’ll start looking at the video and hating it. Be-cause after I put the video up, I’m still doing the same joke, but I’m retouching it. I’m add-ing something.”

Part of the reason Saenz has become so successful is this very sense of perfectionism. He has never settled for the easy punch line, the hacky quip. Saenz is Hispanic — the fourth child in a Nicaraguan-American family — and overweight, two comic stereotypes he rarely, if ever, plays upon, and that has helped elevate his mass appeal.

“If you’ve seen me, you gather that I’m Hispanic. I don’t have to force-feed it to you,” he says. “A comic once told me, very early on in my career, ‘Never be a fat comic. Be a co-median that happens to be fat.’ A fat comic doing fat jokes is like a seven-footer in the NBA dunking. As cool as it might look, it’s not impressive. What’s more impressive is being that seven-footer who could step out-side of the three-point line and start draining threes all day long. That’s going to throw people off.”


Nery Saenz 8 and 10:15 p.m. Saturday, August 25; Miami

Science Museum Theater, 3280 S. Miami Ave. $10; 305-562-6025; havenotscomedy.com.

▼ Stage

Nery Saenz: Funny name for a funny guy.

SAENZ IS HISPANIC AND OVERWEIGHT, TWO COMIC STEREOTYPES HE RARELY, IF EVER, PLAYS UPON, AND THAT HAS HELPED ELEVATE HIS MASS APPEAL.

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IN THEATERS WEDNESDAY, AUG 29TH!

This film is RaTed R.for violence, language and brief sexuality.

No one under 17 admitted without legal guardian.

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“Concerning the Spiritual in Art”OPENING RECEPTION SATURDAY, AUGUST 25, FROM 7 TO 11 P.M. THROUGH SEPTEMBER 29 AT ALUNA ART FOUNDATION, 172 W. FLAGLER ST., MIAMI; 305-305-6471; EXODUS.94.COM; [email protected]. MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY 3 TO 7 P.M. AND SATURDAY 11 A.M. TO 5 P.M.Billie Grace Lynn, a professor of sculpture at the University of Miami, is so passionate about animal rights that her latest project is a paean to the inhumane treatment of farm animals. If that sounds a bit preachy, con-sider the form of her protest: a diesel-fueled motorcycle made from a full cow skeleton. And consider what she’s doing with it: plot-ting a road tour of the country in a modern version of Easy Rider. A photo of that bony bike, part of Lynn’s ongoing Mad Cow proj-ect, is among the works featured at the freshly hatched Aluna Art Foundation in

downtown Miami, where the new gal-lery is devoted to local art outside the mainstream. On August 25, she’ll show off

the work as part a performance staged in conjunction with the center’s inaugural ex-hibit, “Concerning the Spiritual in Art.” Founded by art historian Guillermo “Willy” Castellanos and El Nuevo Herald art critic Adriana Herrera, the alternative space of-fers an inaugural group exhibit in the main gallery that showcases an eclectic collection from a pan-Latin group of artists. They in-clude Venezuela’s Andrés Michelena, Eve-lyn Valdirio, and Lili (Ana) González; Cuba’s Heriberto Mora and Raimundo Travieso; Colombia’s Jorge Cavalier and Sara Modi-ano; and Argentina’s Nicolas Leiva. Among the standouts are Cavalier’s arresting instal-lations — featuring large-scale canvases and imposing labyrinthine cut-metal sculptures — which reference the pri-meval forest as a symbol of spiritual regeneration. Valdirio weighs in with haunting imagery of angels, while Mi-chelena explores the cosmic void with a striking rendition of Buddha, and Mora adds a conceptually fresh approach to Vir-gin iconography. “The Latin root of the word religion means to become reunited with a source of the infinite,” Herrera ob-serves of the offerings on display at Aluna. CARLOS SUAREZ DE JESUS

Robert Fontaine Gallery Collection: “Art Perspectives”THROUGH OCTOBER 1 AT ROBERT FONTAINE GALLERY. 2349 NW SECOND AVE., MIAMI; 305-397-8530; ROBERTFONTAINEGALLERY.COM. MONDAY THROUGH SATURDAY 11:00 A.M. TO 5 P.M.Check out more than 100 small works rang-ing from blue-chip international names to rising homegrown talent at the local hot spot specializing in pop, contemporary, and ur-ban artworks. On view are pieces in every

conceivable media by artists including Damien Hirst, Banksy, Nan Goldin, Olek, Jo-safat Miranda, Tina La Porta, and Troy Ab-bott. Robert Fontaine says it’s the only time of year dealers like himself can organize this type of display leading into the high art-fair season. “It’s not an exhibit with a theme in the traditional sense,” Fontaine says of the show on display at his eponymous Wyn-wood gallery. Alexander Korzer-Robinson is one of the artists well worth seeing. “He cuts the words out of old books he saves from the trash,” explains Fontaine, who calls the brainy artist’s work a “deconstruction of nostalgia.” CARLOS SUAREZ DE JESUS

“Summer Photo Show 2012”THROUGH OCTOBER 5 AT THE LUNCH BOX GALLERY, 310 NW 24TH ST., MIAMI; 305-407-8131; THELUNCHBOXGALLERY.COM. TUESDAY THROUGH SATURDAY 11:30 A.M. TO 5 P.M.This compelling photo-based show features scores of stunning images from 14 interna-tional artists. Now in its second annual edi-tion, the exhibit includes entries from all styles of the genre, including mixed-media works employing photography. On view is ev-erything from conceptual and documentary photography to narrative photography, photo essay, iPhoneography, and photo collage. Look for Noah David Bau’s portraits of young professional muay thai boxers at a training camp in Bangkok’s most notorious slum. An-other artist worth attention is Miami’s Lis-sette Schaeffler, who focuses her lens on the Magic City’s seedy hot-sheet motels. CARLOS SU-AREZ DE JESUS

“Marilyn Monroe: Tribute to a Female Icon”THROUGH OCTOBER 10 AT GALLERIA CA’ D’ORO, 135 SAN LORENZO AVE., STE. 130, CORAL GABLES; 305-898-9153; CA.DORO.COM. MONDAY THROUGH SATURDAY 11 A.M. TO 5 P.M. AND BY APPOINTMENT.At Galleria Ca’ d’Oro, the legend of Marilyn Monroe lives on 50 years after her death. The Coral Gables gallery is presenting works by more than 20 international artists re-membering the ’50s screen bombshell, who

has become a 21st-cen-tury pop-cultural phe-nomenon. “Marilyn Monroe is unique — she appeals to women just as much as men — and this

is why she is an icon,” says Gloria Porcella, owner of the Italy-based gallery. The exhibit features a mixed bag of works, ranging from Valentina de Martini’s anorexic rendition of the sex symbol to Fabio Ferrone Viola’s ver-sion made with flattened cans of Coke Zero. Although the exhibit boasts some classic im-ages by the likes of Warhol, other pieces, such as a vapid painting by Camilla Anci-lotto, would inspire the notoriously self-conscious Norma Jeane Baker to turn cartwheels under her tombstone. In all, 28 works — spanning from paintings, photo-graphs, videos, and installations to sculp-tures — honor the legend, including a color-immersed nude by Pablo Echaurren and a pop interpretation by Ludmilla Rad-chenko. “The viewer will see and feel the timeless beauty come to life through the art-ists’ expressions... most of whom created their tributes to Marilyn especially for this exhibition,” Porcella says. CARLOS SUAREZ DE JESUS

| ART CAPSULES |

▼ Art

SCAN THIS CODE TO DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APPiPHONE OR ANDROIDFOR MORE ARTS OR VISIT: miaminewtimes.com

MORA ADDS A CONCEPT UALLY FRESH APPROACH TO VIRGIN ICONO GRAPHY.

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Call 305-573-5900 or write [email protected] 137 NE 19th Street, Miami

Temple Israel invites you to these free programs in preparation for the 10-day period from Rosh HaShanah through Yom Kippur:

Interactive High Holy Day Workshops Make your High Holy Day experience more meaningful by engaging in study and re�ection with Rabbis Tom Heyn and Mitch Che�tz. FREE - Wed., Sept. 5 & 12, from 7 to 9 p.m.

Selichot: A Meditative Service In a candlelit sanctuary with meditative music, the service directs our hearts and minds to teshuvah, the process of turning within and returning to our best selves.

FREE - Sat., Sept. 8, from 10 to 11 p.m. Additional programming and dessert reception, beginning at 7:30 p.m.

Come observe...where you can feel comfortable, feel at home, and �nd meaning in the holidays.

Soul searching?

Shul searching?

TempleIsrael.net

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Broward New TimesTHURSDAY 8/23 2 COL. (4.72”) X 5.25” TMALL.CJF-R1.0823.BNTemail

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VIEW THE TRAILER AT FACEBOOK.COM/KILLERJOETHEMOVIE

“ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES OF THE YEAR!”

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“ONE HELL OF A MOVIE!EXPERTLY DIRECTED, FLAWLESSLY CAST AND WRITTEN WITH MERCILESS BLACK HUMOR!”

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“A KNOCKOUT FILM!”NEW YORK MAGAZINE

“ARGUABLY WILLIAM FRIEDKIN’SWILDEST FILM YET!”

LOS ANGELES TIMES

HHHHH(HIGHEST RATING)

TIME OUT NEW YORK

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FROM ACADEMY AWARD® WINNING DIRECTOR WILLIAM FRIEDKINAND PULITZER PRIZE WINNING WRITER TRACY LETTS

#KillerJoe

THE YEAR’S MOST PROVOCATIVE FILM! WARNING: NO ONE UNDER 18 ADMITTED.

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STARTS FRIDAY, AUGUST 24

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Finger-Lickin’ WrongThe lurid pleasure of Killer Joe.

BY NICK PINKERTON

A t one point in Killer Joe, a hid-eously funny tabloid noir set on the outskirts of Dallas County, Chris Smith (Emile Hirsch) is let into the family

double-wide by a relation whose face has just been pummeled into a Rorschach blot of dried gore. He doesn’t stop to ask what hap-pened, doesn’t even miss a beat — such is the milieu of casual violence in which the film takes place, where it’s easy to slip impercepti-bly into perdition.

After his alcoholic wreck of a mother steals the cocaine he was supposed to sell, Chris finds himself in the red to some bad men, so one rainy night, he arrives at the trailer that his father, Ansel (Thomas Haden Church), shares with his slatternly town-pump stepmother, Sharla (Gina Gershon). Chris has a plan to pay back the bad men while leaving something left over for every-body: Kill Mama and collect on the life insur-ance policy she has signed over to teenage daughter Dottie (Juno Temple, a peroxided sprite who’s more than a little touched). To do so, they enlist the services of “Killer Joe” Cooper (Matthew McConaughey), a West Dallas detective who moonlights as a hired killer. The Smiths don’t have money for a down payment, but they have something more precious: This is an environment that quickly tarnishes anything fresh and inno-cent, and Dottie is a virgin.

Killer Joe, which follows this deal-with-the-devil barter through to its inevitable result, was first written for the stage by Tracy Letts, a Pulit-zer Prize winner for 2007’s August: Osage County. William Friedkin directs for the screen, adapting his second Letts play, after 2006’s Bug, which starred Ashley Judd and Michael Shan-non in the role he originated onstage.

Shannon was also Letts’s first Chris Smith, ably filled in for by Hirsch, but the showpiece role is Joe. McConaughey, as with many a handsome actor heretofore content to gigolo along on his looks until approaching rumina-tive middle age, has begun to show new depths, perhaps spurred by a sense of mortal-ity encouraging discretion in his roles, as the paycheck for a Reign of Fire no longer out-weighs the spiritual attrition. (This turnabout includes not only heads-up roles in auteur films such as Bernie and Magic Mike, but also solid work in a middle-range genre flick like The Lincoln Lawyer.) “His eyes hurt,” Dottie says of Joe, and indeed they do, while the click of Joe’s Zippo sounds like an un-sheathed dagger. In repose, Joe’s smooth face seems almost embalmed in its composure, as uncannily still as one of those 19th-century photographs of the posed, unburied dead.

Killer Joe presents an inversion of The Night of the Hunter, in which the interloping father — for his cop/killer, McConaughey has cer-

tainly studied the psychopath suavity of Rob-ert Mitchum’s preacher/killer — is actually welcomed by a family who knows no rule ex-cept might makes right. There’s a crucifix over the Smiths’ door, and Dottie talks in a familiar enough way about Christ, but there’s no sense of contrition here, no moral center in an un-buckled Bible Belt without God — or a father. In contrast to pin-neat Joe is Haden Church, the alcoholic, twice-cuckolded failed patriarch of the Smith family, wearing a straggling beard that might have grown out from his last bad shave a month ago. With his hewn profile and ineffectual bulkiness, Ansel is the personifica-

tion of lug, and every line reading drops with a hysterical thunk. (Note is also due to character actor Marc Macaulay as the small-talking, back-slapping good ol’ boy whom Chris owes.)

Letts and Shannon’s first success, Killer Joe was written in 1991, and it feels like a work of juvenilia. This is not necessarily a knock; the raving insistence on dragging the audience into a savage side of life gives the material a perennial by-the-collar directness, and Fried-kin, a son of Chicago’s working-class South Side who has swerved back and forth over the thin blue line of order and chaos throughout his career, is a fine fit for the material.

Friedkin has also been a consistent enve-lope pusher, most famously with 1973’s floridly blasphemous The Exorcist, and Killer Joe con-tains one particular scene that is as difficult as any I’ve seen. It is not, however, egregious — in fact, it synthesizes Joe’s double life as cop and killer, revolving around the horrible discord that occurs when interrogation-room psycho-logical warfare is unleashed in a domestic set-ting. An implant scars-and-all trip into the lower depths, Killer Joe will be accused of gloating morbidity or condescension, but this is only the familiar line of dismissive defense by delicate souls who pretend they don’t be-lieve such things happen when really they’d rather not be reminded that they do.

Letts’s balance of irony and empathy, in fact, continues to impress. What made Bug such an under-the-skin movie — it is, literally and figu-ratively — was its understanding of the proxim-ity of the familiar and the unutterable. It’s the story of a couple who, holed up in a motel room, immure themselves in a mutually reinforced world of paranoid delusion that leads into a tail-spin of self-destruction, but underneath the grotesquery, precisely the same claustrophobic logic that has fueled many a toxic relationship is visible. Most of us have been bad for another person; most of us have, like the Smiths, thought we were a lot smarter than we actually were and learned the same home truth that they do: “You’ve made your bed...”


Killer JoeStarring Matthew McConaughey, Emile

Hirsch, and Juno Temple. Directed by William Friedkin. Written by Tracy Letts. 103 minutes.

Rated NC-17. Opens August 24 at Regal Cinemas South Beach, 1120 Lincoln Rd., Miami

Beach; 305-674-6766; regmovies.com.

▼ Film

▼ ARTHAUS

Ballplayer: Pelotero NARRATED BY JOHN LEGUIZAMO. DIRECTED BY ROSS FINKEL, TREVOR MARTIN, AND JONATHAN PALEY. 72 MINUTES. NOT RATED. FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, THROUGH SUNDAY, AUGUST 26, AT BILL COSFORD CINEMA, UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI CAMPUS, 1111 MEMORIAL DR., CORAL GABLES; 305-284-4861; COSFORDCINEMA.COM.

One of out every five professional baseball players in the United States comes from the Dominican

Republic. Take a second with that stat. Here’s another: Every big-league team runs a base-ball academy on the island. Unless you follow baseball, you probably had little idea how important signing young Dominican players is to Major League Baseball. And unless you follow MLB, you probably can’t imagine what

a mess it has been to make sense of the whole process. Ballplayer: Pelotero, a documentary nar-rated by John Leguizamo, follows two of the country’s hot prospects of 2009 — shortstops Jean Carlos Batista and Miguel Angel Sano — in the months leading up to July 2, “signing day,” in which MLB allows kids who have reached 16 years of age to sign contracts with teams. Clearly, the filmmakers chose the right boys, because their in-dividual paths to their July 2 paydays, so assured at the start, each become mired in controversy as the months wear on. An unexpectedly gripping portrait of how MLB’s sausage gets made, the film pits the frustration of the young players and their families, who see baseball as a way out of poverty, against the inflexibility of MLB, which battles age and identity fraud among players — and which de-clined to be interviewed for the film. Indeed, one family member calls MLB “a Mafia.” A rebuttal might have served the sport well. MICHAEL LEAVERTON

Matthew McConaughey shows new depths as the

title character.

Dominicans are key to

MLB.

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“ENTHRALLING” THE LOS ANGELES TIMES

August24-26th

AI WEIWEI: NEVER SORRY

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Rom-CompetentCeleste and Jesse Forever is too scattered to transcend its genre.

BY KARINA LONGWORTH

In Celeste and Jesse Forever, the titular, newly separated female protagonist’s un-flamboyant queer co-worker (Elijah Wood) tells her “it’s time to get your fuck on,” and then immediately apologizes:

“Sorry, I was trying to be your saucy gay friend.” Co-written by and starring Parks and Recreation straight-woman Rashida Jones, Forever is a notably lo-fi entry into the recent trend of romantic comedies that think ac-knowledging the genre’s cliches is as good as subverting them (see last summer’s studio of-

ferings Friends With Benefits and What’s Your Num-ber?). Through-out, stereotypes are trotted out so that the movie can wink that it’s too smart for them.

A couple since puberty, L.A. 30-somethings

Celeste (Rashida Jones) and Jesse (Andy Samberg) are in the middle of history’s most amicable divorce. They’re best friends who still crack each other up with baby-talk in-jokes, and can’t resist a wine-fueled hookup. So why did they break up? Because Celeste is the type of judgmental, materialistic career girl these films exist to knock down a peg. Stylish workaholic girl dumped hoodied man-child because “he doesn’t have a checking ac-count or dress shoes.” But because her self-sufficiency is essentially a game of dressup, she happily lets her soon-to-be-ex-husband live in her guest house; he accepts, pride and privacy be damned, because he’s

holding out hope for a marital reunion. When Jesse discovers that an agreeable one-night stand is pregnant, he makes moves to “man up,” moving in with his baby mama and leav-ing Celeste to face adult life without her code-pendent human security blanket. A branding expert who shoots down a potential suitor by nailing what his lifestyle choices supposedly say about who he is, Celeste is herself ironi-cally un-self-aware to the point of caricature. Bad dates, intoxicated humiliation, whoops-I-let-boy-trouble-distract-me-at-work profes-sional incompetence, fashion disasters (because ladies, we stop washing our hair when we are sad), and groovy music montages pave the road to her enlightenment.

An indie in evident budget if not in spirit, Forever scores a big “F” on the Bechdel test, in that its women are almost entirely defined by their relationships with men, even in their conversations with other women. One female antagonist becomes an ally when she needs Celeste’s shoulder to cry on after a breakup. The appealing Ari Graynor plays Celeste’s sup-posed female best friend, a relationship that’s spoken of occasionally but minimized on-screen — even a set piece at Graynor’s charac-ter’s wedding seems to exist just to hit a beat in the Celeste and Jesse relationship. Graynor deserves better than second-banana marginal-ization. So does the charismatically swarthy Chris Messina, who, as the potential love inter-est Celeste ostensibly puts in his place with her knowledge of consumer psychology, has enough of a genuine spark with Jones that he’s sorely missed when he disappears for a huge chunk of the movie. As Celeste travels further down a rabbit hole of self-pity, director Lee To-land Krieger turns the subjectivity knob up to 11, meaning that the camera goes out of focus when Celeste has confusing feelings. The character’s increasingly clouded mental state seems to dictate the edit, but there’s a differ-ence between stoner logic and a scattered nar-rative in which characters smoke pot a lot.


Celeste and Jesse ForeverStarring Rashida Jones, Andy Samberg, Chris

Messina, Ari Graynor, Emma Roberts, and Elijah Wood. Directed by Lee Toland Krieger.

Written by Rashida Jones. 89 minutes. Rated R.

David Lanzenberg

BAD DATES, FASHION DISASTERS, AND GROOVY MUSIC MONTAGES PAVE THE ROAD TO HER ENLIGHTENMENT.

▼ Film

Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg

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STARTS FRIDAY, AUGUST 24 CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS FOR THEATERS AND SHOWTIMES

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O P E N I N GBallplayer: Pelotero Reviewed in this issue.Celeste and Jesse Forever Reviewed in this issue.Cosmopolis Robert Pattinson’s casting in Cosmopolis as Eric Packer,

a 28-year-old finance prodigy ensconced in a stretch limo on a 24-hour odyssey across Manhattan to get a haircut, gives director David Cronenberg an automatic meta-text to play with. Updating Don DeLillo’s post-9/11 New York story into an ambiguous, dry black comedy, Cronenberg subverts a postmillennial mass media moment that considers this guy the male ideal. Pattinson, dead-eyed and always on the verge of a smirk, plays Packer as the embodiment of post-Empire cool, a citizen of the world philosophically opposed to notions of national borders or cultural hierarchies. Cosmopolis is the first film based on a DeLillo novel. The original text was released to mixed reviews in 2003, but today, it reads as a prescient encapsula-tion of the current moment’s economic tumult, with public space defined by reckless power brokers and performance-art-like protest. Postmodernist cred notwithstanding, DeLillo held to the traditional novelistic tactic of introducing a character by telling the reader what was happening in his head. Translating a written text into a visual medium, Cronenberg declines to define a difference between internal and external. What is real? Who cares? The noise in Packer’s head is all there is. Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis unfolds as an unbroken stream of the character’s consciousness, so narrowly wedded to the way this loathsome master of the universe sees the world that we can’t actually see him. Call it a long night of the soulless. (K.L.)

Easy Money As the general run of action films blithely defies the laws of gravity and consequence, what a pleasure to find a movie as grounded, physically and emotionally, as Daniel Espinosa’s downbeat pulper Easy Money. A hit in its native Sweden as Snabba Cash, the English title is a piece of cheap irony; this is a crime thriller where no one gets away clean, and every action has its irrevocable reaction. Following a novel by lawyer-cum-novelist Jens Lapidus, Easy Money nimbly braids together three narrative strands: South American Jorge (Matias Padin Varela) busts out of prison and goes straightaway to work on a big coke deal; Serbian hit man Mrado (Dragomir Mrsic) goes after him at the behest of competing business interests; and lowborn native Swede “J.W.” (Joel Kinnaman), an economics major with social-climbing aspirations, drifts into crime in order to pay the tab for his master-of-the-universe imposture. Each man and his hustler’s ambition is illustrated by way of quotidian detail—Jorge’s family drama, Mrado’s forced guardianship of a young daughter, J.W. sewing up a cheap facsimile of preppy dress—and that same intimate attention provides a clear view of variously tempered consciences bending and breaking under pressure. (N.P.)

Hermano From the opening shot of a deflated soccer ball next to an abandoned baby in a pile of garbage, the Venezuelan barrio in Marcel Rasquin’s Hermano is a world in which soccer is king—and more importantly, the path to a potentially better life for Julio (Eliú Armas) and his adopted younger brother Daniel (Fernando Moreno). They’re good enough to play soccer in the big time, particularly the wiry Daniel, but the casual violence of slum life threatens to derail that escape. It’s the kind of story that has been told and retold at least as far back as the 1930s, but the dusty, sun-baked, and thoroughly masculine milieu of Hermano keeps it fascinating-- it should be noted that the vulgarity is heavy by American standards, including Julio’s hilarious description of a rusty trombone-- and the lack of sentimentality is remarkable for a film so concerned with what it means to be a family. Hermano’s determination to keep its eye on the ball (so to speak) does mean that certain plot threads are left dangling, and the final shot requires a certain leap of logic that almost feels like a cheat, but damn if the film doesn’t earn it. (S.C.)

Killer Joe Reviewed in this issue.Teddy Bear A Danish character study of a bachelor bodybuilder living

outside of Copenhagen with his mother, director Mads Matthiesen’s Teddy Bear emphasizes muscle mass as an agent of isolation, a padding that keeps the world away. Thirty-eight-year-old com-petitive bodybuilder Dennis, played by Kim Kold, is introduced on a zero-chemistry date, grasping for straws. One wonders how any man could approach middle age and be so totally hapless with women. The question is immediately resolved when Dennis comes home to his mother, Ingrid (Elsebeth Steentoft), a white-

haired, slightly wraithlike woman with ramrod-straight posture who waits up on her son and grills him on his whereabouts like a jealous lover. Aside from his towering, enveloping mass, Kold has an eloquently open face. Dennis’s downcast eyes broadcast his inchoate desire for companionship so clearly that only his mother could possibly miss it, blind to everything but the dictates of her maternal covetousness, her frail frame seemingly wasted away by the intensity of her need. Through Matthiesen’s felicitous selec-tion of telling details, we quickly comprehend that the absolute boundaries of Dennis’s life are home and the gym, where we see him smile for the first time, greeting the image of his flexing body in the mirror. Matthiesen adheres to contemporary Eurozone realism and Dennis’s POV, self-imposed limitations that prevent Teddy Bear from having the breadth of a great work, while they give it the coherence of a good tale, simply told. (N.P.)

O N G O I N GThe Campaign The Campaign begins with an on-screen quote at-

tributed to Ross Perot: “War has rules. Mud-wrestling has rules. Politics has no rules.” The reference is a fitting start to this amus-ing but toothless R-rated comedy from Jay Roach, the founding director of the Austin Powers and Meet the Parents franchises, who most recently signed his name to the Sarah Palin-humanizing HBO movie, Game Change. Like past-his-peak Perot, The Campaign is basically a footnote, a goof on our broken political system that’s good for a certain novelty, but as a challenge to the dominant order, it’s impotent. Will Ferrell stars as Cam Brady, a Republican North Carolina congressman who suggests a hybrid of Ferrell’s George W. Bush caricature and Bill Clinton’s most spoofable horn-dog extremes, who is running against political novice Marty Huggins (Zach Galifianakis). The core of The Campaign’s comedy consists of the Brady and Huggins campaigns setting increasingly absurd traps for the other to fall in, with each ensuing incident breath-lessly reported by media that stubbornly refuse to traffic in logic or offer context. By design, The Campaign is less a satire than a utopian fantasy. F-bombs and bestiality jokes aside, it’s basically a small-town fable in which just-folk human beings are temporarily corrupted by opportunistic evil outsiders, a threat that is ultimately

eradicated in what amounts to a fairy-tale snap of the finger. (K.L.)ParaNorman Another handsome handcrafted charmer from Laika, the stop-motion shop that gave us Coraline, makes up for lacking its pre-decessor’s delicacy by also lacking its

dispassion. In scenic Blithe Hollow, whose main industry is the window-dressing of its own witch-hunt history, and whose found-ing fathers return one night as marauding zombies, a lonely little dead-people seer finds his calling at last. Customarily shunned and necessarily groupthink-resistant, young Norman, voiced by Kodi Smit-McPhee, stands poised to transpose middle school estrangement into redemptive proto-adult empathy. This occurs by way of agreeably domesticated grind house tropes, tricked out with snazzy F/X. At Comic-Con, debut writer and co-director Chris Butler called it “John Carpenter meets John Hughes,” and that does just about sum ParaNorman up, though the actual math still feels a little fuzzy. Butler and co-director Sam Fell, of Flushed Away, have more vernacular command than tonal harmony; if they achieve roughly equal parts lulz and lulls, at least it’s through a steady pressure of avidity. Better still, animation affords a sup-porting cast playing contentedly against type: Anna Kendrick as a vain ditz, Christopher Mintz-Plasse as a dopey bully, and Casey Affleck as a meathead jock. (J.K.)

Sparkle Post-blaxploitation and pre-Dreamgirls, the original, funky, low-budget Sparkle from 1976 set its girl-group rise and fall in Harlem in 1958. Salim Akil’s remake, scripted by his wife, Mara Brock Akil (creator of the late, great Girlfriends and The Game), moves the action to Detroit, 1968. With this relo, the production design has been expanded considerably, as has the plot and dialogue; the forebear’s underwritten melodrama has been supplanted by Tyler Perry–like soap operatics and much jawing about the Lord, riots in the Motor City, marriage proposals, and maternal heartbreak and disapproval. Sparkle 2.0 wisely retains most of the ‘76 version’s Curtis Mayfield–composed songs, and the new numbers by R. Kelly fit nicely with those outstanding tracks. But where the original singing threesome—siblings who went onstage as “Sister and the Sisters”—generated intense heat from the fiery, foxy Lonette McKee, the redo suffers from the weak screen presences of Carmen Ejogo as the troupe’s lead singer, who gets hooked on dope and bad love, and American Idol winner Jordin Sparks in the title role (originated by Irene Cara), who goes solo after Sister self-destructs. But one casting choice was perfect: Immediately after the Akils’ Sparkle becomes most ridiculous, the film cuts to Whitney Houston, as the trio’s stern, Bible-brandishing mother, singing “His Eye Is on the Sparrow.” The moment is not as sublime as Mahalia Jackson’s “Trouble of the World”in Douglas Sirk’s Imitation of Life, but it’s close enough. (M.A.)

| FILM CAPSULES |

▼ Film

The following capsule reviews are written and initialed by Melissa Anderson, Sherilyn Connelly, Jonathan Kiefer, Karina Longworth, and Nick Pinkerton. For showtimes and locations, click Film at miaminewtimes.com.

SCAN THIS CODE TO DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APPiPHONE OR ANDROIDFOR MORE FILM OR VISIT: miaminewtimes.com

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Made by HandA chef’s idiosyncratic vision of South African-tinged cuisine is a take-it-or-leave-it proposition. We’ll take it.

BY LEE KLEIN

B eing an artist generally implies the pursuit of personal vision over commercial viability; if the latter comes at all, it does so ser-endipitously. Yet chefs who see

themselves as artists rarely take this tack: An empty restaurant costs a whole lot more than an unsold canvas.

So when a chef/owner describes his or her modest establishment as an expression of personality, the un-spoken presumption is that this in-dividual ideal is naturally compromised by and calibrated to the tastes of potential customers.

Micah Edelstein makes no such concessions. Nemesis Urban Bistro is what she wants her restaurant to be — take it or leave it. She lets guests know this sentiment via stenciled let-tering on the front door: “Those lack-ing imagination and a sense of humor are not welcome at Nemesis. Please return from whence you came, and do not darken our door again!”

It’s a twist on the traditional “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone” signage. But don’t let the warning put you off. I didn’t, and Edelstein had made it clear that the disclaimer was aimed at people like me. The fiery former Top Chef con-testant had taken issue with a blog post I’d written in which Nemesis topped my list of Miami’s six worst restaurant names. Her response: “It is evident from your words that you would have to stop at the threshold. Please don’t bother to come here, as you are not welcome at my table with an attitude such as this.”

A restaurateur telling a reviewer to stay away is quirky, all right. Do-ing so is indicative of a confident, in-dependent person — even if it might also suggest thin skin and a lack of regard for commercial viability. More pertinent, because this was a first for me, I wasn’t sure how to handle the review etiquette. So I waited until the restaurant had been open a year before paying a visit.

I’m glad I ignored the warning, be-cause Nemesis dizzies with its spins on con-vention. If you choose to accept Edelstein’s challenge and enter her restaurant, you will be greeted by visible confirmation of the creative and eclectic sensibility at work.

The eatery is located in the LegalArt building (a few blocks west of the American Airlines Arena), and indeed it feels like a small art gallery exhibiting an installation of secondhand tables, mismatched chairs, and an open kitchen. The walls are filled with

large portraits of famous people, and other artwork is scattered about — including a montage of neckties above the front window.

Nemesis is a hip, relaxed space, and the block it sits on has been cleaned up to the extent of seeming more barren than bad. Parking is a cinch (which is not a first, but close to it), and a number of luxury cars can often be seen parked outside. A surprisingly well-heeled crowd slips into this sandals-and-sneakers-style room.

The cuisine is as idiosyncratic as every-thing else — actually more so, for chef Edel-stein fuses the dishes with influences from her native South Africa. This melding of dis-tinctive spices and ingredients creates flavors not available on any other plates in town.

Don’t believe me? Where else can you find kangaroo carpaccio with rooibos-tea-smoked tomato oil?

A brief, one-page menu leads off with small plates of “Sexy Nibbles.” (Too cutesy a

soubriquet? I’m not saying.) Five are offered, as well as a quintet each of appetizers and main plates — four if you don’t include bread, which is caramelized shallot foccacia with hi-biscus-rosemary mascarpone.

Four pot stickers come plumped with pulled duck meat efficaciously braised with figs and leeks; a swipe through piquant guava cardamom sauce makes them taste even bet-ter. The bottoms of our dumplings, however,

were too darkly seared — to the cusp of being burned.

There’s a sweet/spicy equilibrium to many of Edelstein’s creations. The traditional South African sosatie, the local take on shish kebab, brings mildly pungent, tamarind-enhanced cubes of lamb skewered with dried, sherry-soaked apricots. Pomegranate syrup and minted yogurt dotted with poppy seeds conjure a cool companion to the juicy, well-seasoned meat. The two so-satie skewers are small, but the serving is just $6. Excepting a $13 “Tuscan sushi”(prosciutto, mascarpone, Gor-gonzola cheese, and figs three ways), prices in this category run $6 to $8. That’s more than fair.

Diners can watch Edelstein working hard as she prepares the meals in full view. The flow of fare to the tables can be slow at times (only one other worker, sous-chef Izzy Almonte, assists), but any lapses are forgiven and forgotten once the first forkfuls of food flood the palate. This is especially true of smoked veal bobotie, a scrumptious round of moist meat loaf crested with diced apri-cots and embellished with frisée greens, spiced pecans, and a citrusy vinaigrette.

The bobotie is one of a “Cool Cou-ples” grouping of plates that also en-compasses guava-chili pork with rosemary-cheddar spätzle and apple-fennel compote; the aforementioned kangaroo; and “boerewors & eggs.” “Couples” refers to the suggested wine or beer pairing listed for each. Bottles of white wine are $38 to $78; reds range from $45 to $90. Just two wines are available by the glass ($12 and $14). If Estiatorio Milos can offer a $30 bot-tle to match its extravagantly priced seafood dinners, surely there are simi-lar labels to square with the fare here.

The eclectic selection of craft beers is more affordable: Eight of ten brews are $6 to $8 (including Well’s Banana Bread Beer from England and Shiner Ruby Redbird, with red grapefruit and ginger notes, from Texas).

The house-made boerewors is a South Af-rican farmers’ sausage (in Afrikaans, boer means “farmer”; wors is “sausage”). Here the beef-and-pork sausage arrives slathered with sweet tomato chutney that seems too cloying and clumpy a foil; it cloaks the allspice-cori-

ander seasonings (the chutney is a spin on to-mato-onion relish served atop the traditional hot-dog-like “boerewors roll”). Fried eggs are laced over the top of the sausage as well; the menu reads “local chicken or duck eggs,” which I took to mean whatever the kitchen had at the time. In fact, it’s the diner’s choice, which should be mentioned by the only waiter, Jeremiah Sutherland, who fills out the Nemesis team trio. He did a solid job other-wise, but when the room fills, the one-man system can lead to service stalls.

Main courses are less playful than the pre-cursors. A gigantic 16-ounce bone-in rib eye was served to a patron nearby, and it looked like what you’d get at a standard steak house — in other words, incredibly tempting. It’s $38, but all other mains are $12 to $27.

A trio of huge, meaty scallops was grilled perfectly, the interiors resembling translu-cent pearls. The seafood is stocked with a saffron-steeped tomato sauce studded with currants and ground chorizo. This assem-blage might be relatively conservative for Nemesis, but it still features taste notes rarely encountered.

The ratatouille “renovation” is different too. Softly braised rounds of eggplant are piled with thin, crisp, al dente slices of zucchini. A sherry-spiked tomato sauce and teeny fried capers round out the gratifying vegetarian course.

Rooibos (pronounced ROY-boss) is a legume from South Africa, where it’s used mostly in the making of herbal tea. The sweet, fruity, herbal taste is not only touted in a tomato oil here, but also flavors the ice cream atop malva pudding — an Afrikaner treat that’s more spongy than custardy. Amarula sauce and piri piri caramel caress the cake; the former is made from a sweet caramel-tasting cream liqueur, and piri piri is a chili pepper.

If the dining experience here doesn’t rise to the level of great art, it certainly is hand-crafted. In fact, I suggest that the lettering on the front door of Nemesis might instead be changed to the kind of disclaimer found on the labels of leather goods and organic items:

“Any imperfections you might encounter are a distinctive byproduct of the natural, handmade process involved in putting to-gether this restaurant. These flaws only en-sure that your experience here will be genuine and uniquely one-of-a-kind.”


Nemesis Urban Bistro1035 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-

415-9911; nemesisbistro.com. Dinner Tuesday through Thursday 5 to 10 p.m.,

Friday and Saturday 5 to 11 p.m.

Lamb and apricot sosaties $6Braised duck pot stickers $8

Veal bobotie $13Scallops with tomato-saffron sauce $27Malva pudding with Amarula sauce $6

▼ Cafe

billwisserphoto.com

Duck potstickers

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$5

A family legacy since 1968Starting with Pasquale’s Italian Restaurant in Hialeah-Miami Lakes. The same authentic family recipes are still served at DiGiorgio’s Café Largo. Au

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▼ BOOZE HOUND

THE BROKEN SHAKER RETURNS TO MIAMI BEACHAt Tales of the Cocktail in New Orleans, the Broken Shaker’s Gabriel Orta and Elad Zvi told New Times that their pop-up bar would reopen this fall somewhere in Miami. We now have the details.

The Broken Shaker (2727 Indian Creek Dr., Miami Beach) will reopen in November at its original location, the Indian Creek Ho-tel, which is undergoing renovations. In addi-tion, Orta and Zvi have taken over a small 1920s beach house next door, which they’re turning into a full-service restaurant, com-plete with an upstairs lounge.

“We really didn’t expect to return to the Indian Creek Hotel. That wasn’t our plan at all, but things just fell into place,” Orta says about the Broken Shaker’s return to Miami Beach.

Expanding on their original Broken Shaker pop-up concept, the Bar Lab guys will feature a full-scale dinner menu designed to be paired with their hand-crafted cocktails.

Expect drinks using fresh herbs grown in the restaurant’s garden, as well as locally grown produce in the dishes. Orta and Zvi haven’t yet released the name of the chef they’ve tapped to head the kitchen, but they say we should expect a familiar face known for inventive takes on traditional pub grub.

The theme of this new, improved, and per-manent Broken Shaker? Classic American cocktail lounge — the kind that might see Bo-gart and Bacall flirting over drinks at the bar.

November never sounded so good. LAINE DOSS

▼ THE CRITIC

SICK PEOPLE ARE COOKING YOUR DINNER“Backed Into the Corner” is the provocative name of a new research report that shows al-most nine out of ten Miami restaurant work-ers do not receive paid sick days and that

nearly 50 percent of those employees have gone to work sick. An even larger majority — 63.6 percent — said they had no access to health care.

The report was released at Tap Tap (819 Fifth St., Miami Beach) last week by the Res-taurant Opportunities Center of Miami (ROC-Miami) and the Miami-Dade Coalition for Healthy Families and Workplaces. The latter is a coalition advocating legislation that would mandate paid sick days for Miami-Dade workers. Thousands of extensive interviews were conducted for the study, the main gist of which is that restaurant employees routinely work while ill because they get paid so little that they can’t afford to lose the money.

The median hourly wage of a Miami-Dade restaurant worker is $9.02.

And how about this appetizing finding: “The Centers for Disease Control and Pre-vention reviewed 426 restaurants selected at random in nine states and discovered that 12 percent of food workers had worked while sick with vomiting or diarrhea.”

This is a major issue locally, because the restaurant industry is now the third-largest private sector in the Miami-Dade region. It employs 72,700 workers. And that’s not even including those between jobs.

Here is how the study puts it:“The risk of spreading illness is particu-

larly dangerous in the restaurant industry where workers receive the least access to paid sick days and the lowest wages — while handling millions of meals per day. Miami workers fall squarely into this picture. The combination of no paid sick days and low wages backs workers into a corner; they must work sick to get by.”

Some of the numbers: • Only 11.4 percent of Miami-Dade restau-

rant workers have access to paid sick days.• More than 47 percent report having

worked while sick.• More than 40 percent of employees who

worked while sick reported coughing or sneezing while handling food.

• More than one in ten reported infecting their co-workers.

• Seventy-four percent of those who worked while sick said they did so because they couldn’t afford to take the day off with-out pay.

• More than 20 percent of workers were

| TASTE TEST |

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Laine Doss

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uncomfortable asking for a day off when sick because they feared retribution from their employer; 15 percent didn’t think they could take off even if they needed to.

• Only 8.8 percent of employees worked for employers that provided full or partial health coverage.

The report recommends countywide leg-islation that mandates earned paid sick days, and legislation that ensures that the health-care needs of Miami-Dade restaurant work-ers are met. The report likewise suggests education for employers so they can under-stand how sick employees affect the health of other workers and customers. Plus it calls for paying restaurant workers better wages.

Restaurant workers have it pretty bad in comparison to most others. This is not a reve-lation — the industry is known for crazy-hard work, long hours, low pay, and no benefits. Like the weather, everybody talks about it but nobody does anything about it.

Kudos to these groups for bringing atten-tion to the plight of restaurant employees, and to Tap Tap for hosting the event. A tip of the toque also goes to Miami-Dade County Commissioner Barbara Jordan (District 1) for showing up at the Tap Tap news conference and for pushing the legislation. LEE KLEIN

▼ BECAUSE IT’S FREE

CHRIS BOSH TO SCOOP FREE ICE CREAM AT THE FRIEZE BIRTHDAY BASHThe Frieze Ice Cream Factory will celebrate its 25th birthday on August 26 in South Beach with a Bosh bash that’s guaranteed to be white-hot and totally cool at the same time.

This small neighborhood establishment must be planning for a busy day, so it’s hired a little extra part-time help — Miami Heat star Chris Bosh, who will be behind the counter, scooping free ice cream for attendees.

You read that right. This Sunday, August 26, from 3 to 6 p.m., Chris Bosh will scoop free ice cream.

In addition, the Heat player and the Frieze (1626 Michigan Ave., Miami Beach) will launch their new Chris Bosh-inspired flavor. What does Bosh ice cream taste like? Win-ning, of course.

Actually, the flavor is a secret until that day. We’re guessing it might be filled with nuts and red-velvet swirls.

In addition to free ice cream, the shop is throwing a community festival featuring face painting, an interactive photo booth, raffles for Miami Heat memorabilia, and other fun stuff. Pintsize containers of the new Bosh ice cream will be available for sale, with proceeds that day and year-round benefiting his foun-dation, Team Tomorrow Inc. LAINE DOSS

▼ BOOZE HOUND

MICHAEL’S GENUINE HOME BREW: DRAFT VS. BOTTLEWhen Michael Schwartz announced he would put his name on a brew, I was excited to be the first kid on the block to try some. Af-ter all, Schwartz is at his best when working with simple, honest flavors and ingredients, and what’s simpler or more honest (and satis-

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fying) than a good beer?The classic American ale is available both

on draft ($6 for a 16-ounce pour) and in 22-ounce bottles ($11). Last week at Michael’s Genuine Food & Drink (130 NE 40th St., Mi-ami), I ordered a bottle of the home brew. The ale was golden in color, with some tart citrus and yeast notes. Though light, it was complex and a little cloudy — and very reminiscent of Belgian ales.

Before we finished the bottle, our server asked my husband and I if we would like an-other. He then suggested we try the draft as a comparison. The two glasses of draft ale looked quite different from the bottled prod-uct. The bottle boasted a rich, clear caramel color, with more carbonation. Michael’s draft was brighter and crisper, with a honeyed fin-ish and less yeasty and citrusy notes.

I wondered aloud, “Could these two ales re-ally be the same?” The only way to find out was to ask the source, so I spoke with Jason Wilson, founder and president of Back Forty Beer Company in Gadsden, Alabama. The company brews Michael’s Genuine Home Brew, as well as four other small-batch varieties.

First, Wilson reassured me that I was, in fact, drinking the same brew (and I was not crazy). “We bottle-condition the bottled beers and commercially carbonate the draft,” he said.

Explained in layman’s terms: Before each bottle of the ale is hand-capped, a small amount of yeast is added. The yeast works on the sugars in the brew, which provide natural carbonation, much the same way champagne is made. And if you’ve ever compared a good champagne to a mass-produced sparkling wine, you’ll notice the good stuff is less car-bonated, with a slightly yeasty scent.

Wilson further explained that the bottled version of Michael’s Genuine Home Brew is extremely young. “Right now, it’s less than a week old. Give that beer a few weeks and you’ll start to see it resemble the draft more and more. The tangy notes will diminish. Most brewers like to allow the bottles to con-dition for a few weeks, but this is a great op-portunity for beer enthusiasts to follow the ale’s progress.”

As for the draft: “It’s the exact same beer, but for the draft, we pull out those yeast par-ticulates and then force carbonation into the beer.”

What’s the benefit of having the two ver-sions? Well, it’s purely a matter of taste, Wil-son says. “Most American beer drinkers prefer a crisp, clear, filtered product, while many Europeans and beer enthusiasts will appreciate the cloudiness and intricacies of the bottled version.” LAINE DOSS

▼ RESTAURANT OPENING

EATING HOUSE TO POP UP FOR GOODFor those of you who miss Eating House, dry those tears, because chef Giorgio Rapicavoli and partner Alex Cassanova recently re-opened it at the same location (804 Ponce de Leon Blvd., Coral Gables).

The pop-up will stay open through early October, when the duo will take a break with a culinary tour of Italy.

While the two are making the rounds in Europe, the space occupied by Café Ponce

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will undergo renovations, just in time for a grand — and permanent — reopening of Eat-ing House in November.

“We’ve come to love our intimate little home and are so thrilled to have taken over for the tenants,” Rapicavoli says.

The permanent version of Eating House will serve both lunch and dinner. Though the format and structure will remain similar to the current formula that has been working well for the young chef, expect to see some new flavors and creations inspired by his Ital-ian tour. LAINE DOSS

▼ GASTRONOMIC GATHERINGS

OLYMPIAN DANELL LEYVA PARTIES AT BRICKELL IRISH PUBFriends, family, and fans gathered at Brickell Irish Pub (1451 South Miami Ave., Miami) to watch the closing ceremony of the 2012 Sum-mer Olympics and to honor Miami’s Danell Leyva, who returned August 8 to South Flor-ida after winning the bronze medal in the men’s all-around gymnastics competition.

Fans lined up to take pictures with the Olympian, while Leyva was spotted tweeting pictures of the impressive cake made for the occasion by Divine Delicacies.

The five-tier vanilla cake was topped with a fondant torch and Swarovski-crystal-en-crusted Olympic rings (which, strangely, were positioned upside down).

Asked how it felt to win a medal and re-ceive all of this admiration, Leyva replied, “It’s completely overwhelming,” before he was pulled away to pose with more fans.

Leyva, wearing jeans and a plaid shirt, was missing one newly acquired accessory. Asked where his medal was, he quipped, “It’s on the cake,” and then playfully tried to eat the candy replica of his award.

Also on hand at the celebration was Miami Mayor Tomás Regalado, who presented the gymnast with the City of Miami’s Crystal of Excellence medal. LAINE DOSS

▼ RESTAURANT NEWS

LA CAMARONERA EXPANDS, REVAMPSMiamians will soon be able to park our ever-rounder, ever-tanner culos in a seat where no human has ever sat before — at La Camaronera Fish Market (1952 W. Flagler St., Miami).

Owner David Garcia, whose family has run the Flagler Street fish institution for nearly 40 years, says the restaurant has taken over an adjoining space and busted through the wall. Fish freaks, fret not. La Camaronera will be open throughout construction, but will close at 4 p.m. Tuesdays.

For the much-loved standing-only space that serves fresh pan con minutas, sopa de chi-erna, and ostiones fritos, it was time.

“We’ve kept the same look for 30-plus years,” says Garcia, who also notes that the restaurant’s food truck, the Fish Box, is on summer vacation. “We’ve always had these Formica counters — we’re not going granite — but I think it’s sometimes good to put a lit-tle bit more into your business.”

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The blue-and-orange walk-up counter will remain for patrons with able legs and an unwavering attachment to the past.

Workers will add a few tables with chairs and remodel the bathrooms. Garcia, who has happily showed off some of the family’s be-loved fish sandwiches and dishes on the Food Network and the Travel Channel, declined to reveal the amount of money being spent on the overhaul.

Perhaps the Food Network is to thank for this leap forward. But before you turn your nose up at the butt of all food jokes, turn it to-ward the nearby Marlins Park, which also takes credit for some of the restaurant’s suc-cess.

“We hope to be open until later on, until 8 or 9 p.m.,” Garcia says. “We’ve drawn a lot of customers that come in before the Marlins games, and we’d like to keep seeing that.”

Many denizens might bemoan the quasi-gentrification of this classic hole-in-the-wall eatery, but it seems, according to Garcia, it will be for the best.

“The tile has been here for 20-plus years,” he says. “We put in a new fish display four years ago, and the fish display before that was here since 1974.”

Plus, the venue is respecting its elders by adding seating. Garcia says that sometimes customers “who have been coming for 30 years love to come with two or three genera-tions but can’t because they can’t stand” the entire time. ZACHARY FAGENSON

▼ CELEBITES

TOP CHEF CRUISE TO SET SAIL FROM MIAMICalling all Top Chef fans. Mark your calen-dars, because you’re about to set sail on a spe-cial cruise.

That’s right, mateys. Top Chef: The Cruise departs April 11, 2013, from the Port of Miami. The cruise, aboard Celebrity’s Constellation, will give fans of the Bravo cooking competi-tion a chance to mingle with their favorite cheftestants, enjoy food, and maybe even get a glimpse of Gail Simmons in a bikini on the Lido Deck.

The four-night cruise will visit Key West and Cozumel, but shopping for T-shirts and taking snorkel day trips isn’t what this experi-ence is about. A myriad of Top Chef-related activities will feature stars of the show, in-cluding Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons; master chefs Hubert Keller and Tim Love; and cheftestants Jennifer Carrol, Tiffany Derry, Chris Hanmer, Mike Isabella, Spike Mendelsohn, Hosea Rosenberg, Angelo Sosa, and Casey Thompson.

Prices range from $799 for an inside cabin (double occupancy) to $5,999 for a penthouse veranda. The cost also includes meals and special activities such as quick-fire cooking demonstrations and challenges, a Q&A with Colicchio and Simmons, and a one-hour cocktail party.

Celebrity Cruise Lines is so bullish on this first Top Chef cruise that it has chartered out the entire 965-foot, 2,038-passenger ship for this group.

To book a cabin, call Rose Tours at 888-491-7673 or visit topchefcruise.com. LAINE DOSS


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Mr. Nice GuyMiami’s Jesse Perez talks booty music, the Bangbus, and grinding chongitas.

BY SEAN LEVISMAN

T he 305 has always been about bumping and grinding to booty-bass music. And it ain’t gonna change if homeboy Jesse Perez gets his way.

The DJ-producer and dirty mastermind behind Mr. Nice Guy Records has been busy releasing sleazy, bass-infused jacking house grooves on the local scene for years. But in 2012, he also began enjoying his fair share of international exposure, thanks to releases on esteemed labels such as Nervous, Hot Cre-ations, and Off Recordings.

With titles like “Tales From an 8th Street Motel,” “Hialeah House Party,” and “Dejen de Comer Tanta Pinga” (“Stop Eating So Much Dick”), Jesse is exporting an entire Mi-amian party culture to international dance floors. And if his tongue is planted firmly in his cheek when it comes to track titles, the humping in the club is no joke when a Jesse Perez bomb drops.

Ahead of his new release, “Miami Is My Town” (out August 20), we caught up with Jesse “El Sucio” Perez to talk booty music, Mr. Nice Guy Records, the Bangbus, grinding chongitas, and what makes Miami great.

New Times: Where in Miami did you grow up? What Miami music do you consider most influential?

Jesse Perez: I grew up in the Princeton/

Naranja area till Hurricane Andrew hit; then I lived in Hialeah till ’95 before moving to Cutler Ridge. Been living there since. I was always into the rap scene. Everything that was playing on the Box (“Music Television You Control”) and Power 96 back in the day, I was bumping. Most influential would be 2 Live Crew. Been grinding on all types of fe-males since I was 5, thanks to them. I used to get thrown out of United Way school dances for dry-humping.

So when did you get into DJing and produc-tion? Did you start out with house or other styles?

I started DJing and learning production in 2001, thanks to the guys from Black Chiney. I was buying hip-hop, house, and bass records around that time. I never focused on one style; I just liked playing dope shit. I was DJing around Miami for years, playing hip-hop and urban sets before the word swag came out. At the same time, I was working on house tracks during the day.

Getting signed to Hot Creations this year got you a lot of new international listeners. How did you hook up with the label?

I met Lee Foss at Miami Velvet during WMC 2011 after randomly swapping chicks. Luckily, I had a CD in my car with some new tracks I had just made. After busting a quick one, I ran outside with nothing but a towel on and grabbed the CD before he left to his next gig. The following week, he hit me up and said they were interested in signing two of

the tracks: “Jesse Don’t Sport No Jerry Curl” and “Dejen de Comer Tanta Pinga.”

The Mr. Nice Guy Facebook page says, “Not accepting demos; we’ll contact you if we like your shit.” What is your criteria for selecting art-ists and material that you want to release? Is there a specific sound or vibe you want to define the label?

We’re not looking for any other artists. What I want to do now with the label is push a few artists really well, rather than con-stantly releasing material from different guys. We mainly look for originality. I don’t want guys that download loop packs and produce as a hobby. There’s plenty of labels that are dump sites for people like that. I just look for real talent, no phonies. We push a very dis-tinct sound, different from what everyone else is doing. Some call it hood house or gang-sta house. I refer to it as ass-clapping music or bump ’n’ grind. It’s all about having a good time.

There are a lot of dick references and sexu-ally explicit content on your label and in your work. Is it just humor? Or are you trying to be ironic about Miami’s gangsta booty music cul-ture? What does your ab uelita think about track titles like “Kiss Jesse on the Dick”?

There’s definitely some humor behind it. I always tell folks that all the good names were already taken. But I think when you make raw shit, you can name a track anything that you want. And of course, I grew up listening

to Luke and 2 Live Crew, Uncle Al, DJ Laz, and everything booty.

I was at the back-yard jams, grinding on chongitas in the ’90s. I didn’t grow up in the Netherlands or France. I embrace the Miami I know. And folks love the titles too. In the UK, I’ll be walking into a party and have a few peeps shout, “Yo, Jesse! Slang that D!” As for Abuela, she’s the freakiest lady I’ve ever met. My track titles don’t compare to the crazy shit that comes out of her mouth. I love her for that. She’s a bold woman.

How do you think the Miami dance music scene has changed since you were first going out? Has the underground genuinely grown here? Do we have the potential of becoming a true mecca like the ones in Europe?

The movement has grown a lot. There’s a shitload of parties now. At least four days out of the week, you can find a nice jam. We’re not confined to going to one club to hear good un-derground music, as before. And with the warm weather we have here, there’s no reason why music enthu-

siasts from out of town should come only during WMC. It’s Ibiza year-round. I salute those who genuinely work hard everyday to make that happen.

What are your thoughts on the mainstream EDM explosion this past year? Good or bad?

Well, it’s a bit disappointing that the ones benefiting are garbage — or just getting into the scene to see what they can take from it rather than give or add to it. But in reality, it might be a good thing down the road. Those 16-year-olds jamming to electro and Swedish House Mafia are gonna get older and wiser. Meanwhile, guys like myself are gonna be there, waiting for them. And they’re gonna thank us for giving them another option. They’re gonna recognize real shit, not fabri-cated beats that have been pushed in their ears by major corporations. They’re gonna thank Jesse Perez for bump ’n’ grind, because grinding on a chongita is always better than waving a giant glowstick around.

Your sound and image are very deeply rooted in Miami. It’s very important to you to represent the 305 to the rest of the world. What is Miami to you? What do you love about our city? And what do you hate about it?

Miami is free pastelitos at Leon Medical Center and more. I don’t hate anything about here, although it would be nice to see more local artists getting radio support. Play some SpaceGhostPurrp or ¡Mayday! from time to time. Pitbull and Flo Rida are already well-off. But in general, I love this city. Fuckin’ Bangbus is filmed here. You gotta love this shit. Where do they find these chongitas?

So what can you tell us about your new sin-gle, “Miami Is My Town”?

I made that track specifically for big-bot-tomed females. It’s gonna cause a pregnancy boom when it drops on August 20.


▼ Music

WITH TITLES LIKE “DEJEN DE COMER TANTA PINGA,” JESSE PEREZ IS EXPORTING AN ENTIRE MIAMIAN PARTY CULTURE TO INTERNATIONAL DANCE FLOORS.

Jesse “El Sucio” Perez

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Sex, Drugs, and FeminismFive semisecret facts about Aussie spitter Iggy Azalea.

BY KAT BEIN

I ggy Azalea — you probably know her as the white-girl rapper from Australia who writes rhymes about sex, drugs, and violence.

But you really shouldn’t judge a woman by her viral video. In reality, everyone is more complex than some public persona. And Azalea is an intelligent, thoughtful, and well-spoken individual who just happens to make a living rapping about her “Pu$$y.”

So here are five semisecret facts about the Aussie spitter. That way, when she makes you taste her Skittles at Grand Central’s Sneaker Pimps party this Friday, you will at least know where they’ve been.

She named herself after the family dog. For real, no parents would name their baby Iggy Azalea. (But they would name the kid Ame-thyst Amelia Kelly.) So this particular lady MC adopted her moniker in honor of a be-loved childhood pet, who was kind of a bad-ass. “He would bite people, have fights with other dogs,” she told Global Grind. “We had to get him put down when I was 18 because his legs stopped working, but this mother-fucker would not let go. He was the coolest.”

She had a crazy obsession with Tupac. All avid music fans growing up have an almost unhealthy fixation on their favorite star. And for Iggy, it was Tupac. “I was sickly obsessed. I had every picture of Tupac ever on my wall.” She became infatuated with rap music at age 11 after hearing Pac’s track “Baby Don’t Cry (Keep Ya Head Up II).” By 14, she was

spitting her own rhymes. She moved to America on her own as a mi-

nor. Iggy was always extremely dedicated to her rap career. She took it so seriously, in fact, that she dropped out of high school in 2006, just before turning 16, and moved to America without her parents. And where did the little immigrant set up camp? Miami, duh. Origi-nally, she was supposed to be here only on va-cation. But once she came to understand the awesomeness of the 305, the teen traveler called her parents to say: I ain’t coming back.

She made money with gift-card scams. Now, how does a 16-year-old Aussie import with a big dream survive in Vice City? Well, she went around, cleaning houses. But in a video inter-view with KarmaloopTV, Azalea admitted to supplementing her income in shadier ways. “It’s so bad to talk about,” she says shyly. “We used to go to Macy’s and get gift cards and then sell them to people.” Whatever, Iggy, we un-derstand. You’ve got to hustle, and the streets are an unforgiving place. It’s OK to admit to your sketchy past. Only God can judge you.

She’s actually quite intelligent and thought-ful, and “Pu$$y” is more of a feminist message than a gimmick. So you might’ve seen Iggy’s “Pu$$y” video. Maybe you thought it was trashy or vulgar or gross. But you’re not giv-ing the girl enough credit. She doesn’t do things just to do them. She’s seizing control of her own body, dammit. “I think females are scared to be sexual because they feel like they’re not going to be respected and it’s de-meaning for them,” she explained in an inter-view with GoodFellaRadio. “But I think that if you own it, it’s power for you. So I’m not scared to be sexual, be a woman.” See? Taking back vaginas for all the ladies, one viral vid at a time.


Iggy AzaleaAs part of the Sneaker Pimps Tour, with Ace Hood

and others. 8 p.m. Friday, August 24, at Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277;

grandcentralmiami.com. Tickets cost $20 to $25 plus fees via eventbrite.com. Ages 18 and up.

| CROSSFADE |

▼ Music The Mambo SnakeBehold the bulging dong slings and merengue pop of Stripped: The Show.

BY BENJY CAPLAN

S ometimes it seems as though half the people we meet are dudes. Yet very few of them are oiled-up studs, shak-

ing their bulging dong slings in our face. Chin up, though. Because Stripped: The

Show is coming to Martini Bar at Gulfstream Park in Hallandale Beach. And the men of Stripped don’t have just washboard abs; they can perform one-hour dry cleaning with those things.

Unlike the furry hunchbacks we’re all so used to seeing peel off their sweatpants on the Metrobus, the men of Stripped aren’t just going to waggle their Cheetos-stained wangs

for a couple of min-utes and then fall asleep. No, we’re going to get a full evening’s entertain-ment.

See, Rike Mambo, Orlando, and Eduar aren’t just hunky strippers. They are the Strippers del Mambo, a group of Latin dancers and singers from Miami

who just so happen to be chiseled like whoa.Yes, they’ll dress — momentarily — as fire-

men and policemen. But they’ll let your house burn down and robbers tie your grandmother to a chair and pistol-whip her until she gives up the jewels. Because after a full strip show, in-stead of putting their uniforms back on, the Strippers del Mambo will perform a sizzling merengue concert.

The hunks will even take photographs with us. That way we can show our grandchildren that once upon a time, we stood next to a man whose lats were so well defined they made the Oxford English Dictionary look like a Laffy Taffy wrapper. After that, it’s DJs and dancing until 3 in the morning.

Most guys think a full evening’s entertain-ment means getting to the movie theater early enough to catch the trailers. Not the Strippers del Mambo. One tip, ladies: Wear your dia-phragm instead of a hat. Because otherwise, Rike Mambo, Orlando, and Eduar will impreg-nate your brain with unyielding dreams of us-ing your body as a carnal Bowflex.


Stripped: The Show Featuring the Strippers del Mambo. 9:30

p.m. Wednesday, August 29, at the Village of Gulfstream Park’s Martini Bar, 601 Silks

Run, Hallandale Beach; 954-589-2679; martinibargulfstream.com. Tickets cost $15

plus fees via wantickets.com/strippedtheshow.

Rok ’n’ RollAfter a graceful exit in 2011, Rokbar re-emerges under new management.

BY JOSE D. DURAN

W hen iconic South Beach party spot Rokbar closed in 2011, the time was right. It had enjoyed a seven-year

run — an eternity by SoBe nightclub standards — with plenty of noteworthy moments. So perhaps that’s why news of the Collins Avenue joint’s re-opening came as a surprise.

In its original incarnation, celebrity sightings at Rokbar were common, including then-part-owner Tommy Lee, actor Josh Hartnett, hot mess Courtney Love, local boy Mickey Rourke, and the crunktastic Lil Jon, to name just a few. Yet the velvet rope was rarely a hassle.

The lounge brought together a motley crew

(pun intended) of A-listers, tourists, hipsters, and everyone in between. And the place had an inti-mate atmosphere that blurred the line between VIPs and the common clubgoer.

Rokbar 2.0 is only two months old, and it doesn’t look much different from the last re-model, which gave the space a bit of Daft Punk style (black leather, gold trim, and futuristic screens).

The only major difference: Those ten-foot-tall images of models behind the bar are gone, re-placed with shelving for premium liquor. Also, the ledge behind the sofas (where many an ine-briated party girl liked to dance) has been wid-ened and given a different backdrop — a spectacular LED-framed guitar that’s reflected ad infinitum thanks to some well-placed mirrors.

“We don’t want to pay celebrities to come to our place,” managing partner and owner Her-shey Jakob says. “We want to bring Rokbar back like when it first opened.”

To bolster his point, Jakob mentions that Gym Class Heroes’ Travie McCoy stopped by ear-

lier this month to celebrate his birthday. And as soon as the high season kicks in, he expects more high-profile clients.

But why not start from scratch with a new concept? “If I was going to do something differ-ent, I would have just gone somewhere else.”

Still, repeating Rokbar’s epic past will be diffi-cult. Acts such as MSTRKRFT, Neon Indian, LA Riots, Cut Copy, and the Misshapes contributed to the lounge’s distinctive edge in the early days. And that aura of riskiness has always made the club a welcome anomaly on Collins Avenue.

However, with South Beach locked in the low season, Rokbar is open only Fridays and Satur-days. So it would be unfair to heap any hasty criticism on it. Especially because this place, even with its cheesy Tommy Lee past, holds a special place in New Times’ undeniably blurry nightlife memory.

Here’s hoping the new owners honor the glory days of Rokbar.


THEY’LL IMPREGNATE YOUR BRAIN WITH UNYIELDING DREAMS OF USING YOUR BODY AS A CARNAL BOWFLEX.

Iggy Azalea ain’t just a dirty girl.

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EL-P and Killer Mike’s Into the Wild Tour9 P.M. THURSDAY, AUGUST 23, AT GRAND CENTRAL, 697 N. MIAMI AVE., MIAMI; 305-377-2277; GRANDCENTRALMIAMI.COM. TICKETS COST $20 PLUS FEES VIA FLA.VOR.US. AGES 18 AND UP.Brooklyn-based alt-rapper EL-P is admittedly not that “fucking brilliant,” but he’s comfort-able being a perfectionist. “When I do my re-cords, I’m trying to push myself and say everything the right way for me at the time,” he recently said in an interview with our sister paper, Phoenix New Times. “I’m OK with that.”

Clearly. After all, it took the former Com-pany Flow crew member the better part of five years to drop Cancer for Cure, the fol-lowup to 2007’s critically acclaimed I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead. The wait, however, seems to have paid off.

When it was released in May, Cancer for Cure received an 8.5 rating from Pitchfork, which described El-P’s opus as “a record that you can pump like they do in the future.” It was even enough to earn P-fork’s Best New Music stamp of approval and enter the race for hip-hop album of the year.

But for a self-identifying perfectionist, any-thing less would’ve been unacceptable. As he told New Times, “Sometimes it takes a lot of living before the words just come. I don’t really like forcing it. I don’t wanna make records that don’t have heart behind them.” VICTOR GONZALEZ

Shaun Reeves and Russ YallopWITH WILL RENUART. 11 P.M. THURSDAY, AUGUST 23, AT MANSION, 1235 WASHINGTON AVE., MIAMI BEACH; 305-531-5535; MANSIONMIAMI.COM. TICKETS COST $15 PLUS FEES VIA WANTICKETS.COM. AGES 21 AND UP.We’ve gotta give props to the folks at Kontrol Miami. All summer long, they’ve somehow run a successful underground EDM night at Man-sion, the same club that purportedly kicked DJ Dennis Ferrer off the decks midset for not play-ing “commercial enough” in February.

Given the chance, the promoters seem to have proven to the club’s management that Mi-

ami does in fact have a demand for noncom-mercial dance music. By booking hotly tipped international talent such as Lee Burridge, No Regular Play, and Droog (all artists you wouldn’t expect to hear at a South Beach big room), Kon-trol has given the die-hard underground heads a reason to trek to the Beach each Thursday. And next week should be no exception, with both Shaun Reeves and Russ Yallop on the bill.

Of course, Reeves is part of beloved DJ-production outfit and eponymous label Vi-sionquest, along with Seth Troxler, Lee Curtiss, and Ryan Crosson. Inclined toward a murky minimal techno sound, Reeves deliv-ers immersive, hypnotic DJ sets. Meanwhile, Yallop brings the type of bass-heavy future funk that’s given him a home on labels Cross-

town Rebels and Hot Creations. Catch these two internationally renowned

headliners, along with the Electric Pickle’s Will Renuart, at Mansion. SEAN LEVISMAN

Santana8 P.M. FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, AND SATURDAY, AUGUST 25, AT HARD ROCK LIVE, 5747 SEMINOLE WAY, HOLLYWOOD; 954-797-5531; HARDROCKLIVEHOLLYWOODFL.COM. TICKETS COST $65 TO $165 PLUS FEES VIA TICKETMASTER.COM.Perhaps it’s the instability and unpredictability of our nightmarish economy, though that’s highly unlikely. Or maybe it’s his unprece-dented drive to bring Afro-Latin blues to main-stream America. But whatever the reason, we’re extremely happy that Carlos Santana

didn’t hang it up earlier this year when he turned 65 years old — i.e., retirement age.

Instead, this Rock and Roll Hall of Fame member and guitar virtuoso released a new album, Shape Shifter, and signed up for a two-year residency at the House of Blues in Man-dalay Bay Las Vegas. Retirement was clearly not an option.

“A lot of people said to me: ‘Enough with the guest vocalists for a while,’ ” Santana ad-mitted in an interview with Guitar World ear-lier this year. “ ‘We want to hear the Mexican play the guitar!’ ”

He obliged, producing Shape Shifter, an entirely instrumental effort. And while there are plenty of fabulous musicians on the al-bum, it’s obviously those classic Santana licks that make the sexagenarian’s latest slab so in-spiring. VICTOR GONZALEZ

Respectable Street’s 25th Anniversary Block PartyWITH THE MISFITS, BAND IN HEAVEN, AND OTHERS. 8 P.M. SATURDAY, AUGUST 25, AT RESPECTABLE STREET, 518 CLEMATIS ST., WEST PALM BEACH; 561-832-9999; RESPECTABLESTREET.COM. ADMISSION IS FREE.Last year, former New Times Broward-Palm Beach music editor Reed Fischer “acciden-tally” touched a “stranger’s greasy hair” at Respectable Street’s 24th Anniversary Block Party. But aside from that minor incident (and a last-minute cancellation by Missing Persons), the indoor/outdoor fiesta on Clem-atis Street was a rambunctious good time.

And looking at this year’s lineup, we can’t imagine it’d be any less awesome than the 2011 edition. Especially because some of South Florida’s best bands will share the bill with legendary punk crew the Misfits. And tops among the local notables are West Palm Beach’s the Band in Heaven.

A fixture on the South Florida music scene for some time, Band in Heaven didn’t release its debut seven-inch on HoZac Records until ear-lier this year. We loved the four-track, fuzzy-psychedelic EP so much, in fact, that it earned New Times’ nod for Best Album of 2012.

Long live the Misfits, the Band in Heaven, and Respectable Street! VICTOR GONZALEZ


| LIVE WIRE |

▼ Music

El-P: Rap perfectionist.

Timothy Saccenti

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T H I S W E E K

T H U R S DAY, AU G . 2 3

1000 Fuegos & Pata de Conejo: 10 p.m., $5. PAX - Performing Arts eXchange, 337 SW 8th St., Miami, 305-640-5847, paxmiami.com.

Alfredo Chacon String Vibe Duo: With a side of dinner and drinks, 8 p.m., free entry. The Betsy Hotel, 1440 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach, 305-531-6100, thebetsyhotel.com.

Back 2 Cool: With DJ Smoke 1, Orion, Artklub, Raskalz, YTE, Cool Peeple, Silent Hand Souljas, Goode Trakz, and Jakeem HD’s mixtape release performance, 10 p.m., $10. Rick’s Bar and Restaurant, 7707 NW 103rd St., Hialeah, 305-825-1000.

Cat Shell: 7:30 p.m., free. Wynwood Kitchen & Bar, 2550 NW 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-772-8959, wynwoodkitchenandbar.com.

El P and Killer Mike: On the Into the Wild tour, 9 p.m., $20 advance. Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-377-2277, grand-centralmiami.com.

Goldroom with Bufi: Josh Legg from NightWaves’ solo production alias, 10 p.m., $10. Bardot, 3456 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-576-7750, bardotmiami.com.

Inna Sense: Live music, 10 p.m., free. Bougainvillea’s Old Florida Tavern, 7221 SW 58th Ave., South Miami, 305-669-8577, bou-giesbar.com.

Nestor Torres: The Grammy-Award winning jazz flautist performing live, 7:30 p.m., free. Wynwood Kitchen & Bar, 2550 NW 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-772-8959, wynwoodkitchenandbar.com.

Nil Lara: 10 p.m., free. Ricochet Bar & Lounge, 3250 NE 1st Ave. #122B, Miami, 305-673-3873, ricochetlounge.com.

F R I DAY, AU G . 24

American Roots Night: With Lone Wolf, and Molly Gene Whoman-band, 11 p.m., free. Will Call, 700 NE 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-577-5900, willcallmiami.com.

Big Time Summer Tour: With Big Time Rush and Cody Simpson, 7 p.m., $20-$65. Cruzan Amphitheatre, 601-7 Sansbury’s Way, West Palm Beach, 561-795-8883.

Cirque du Satan Metal Showcase: Evil circus and sexy ladies clown attire encouraged. Indoculation, Echoes of a Nightmare, Darling What’s Going On, Blacklight Prophecies, They Might Be Zombies, Lions of the South, Chamber of Dreams, and Funeral for a Clown, 8 p.m., $10, ladies free. Eve, 1306 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-995-5050, miamieve.com.

DreamTeam: Two friends doing something that they love, 10 p.m., $10. The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami, 305-576-9577, facebook.com/thestagemiami.

ElectriFriedShitJazz: Featuring Panic Bomber and Mr. Feathers. Not for the easily offended, 8 p.m., free. Sweat Records, 5505 NE Second Ave., Miami, 786-693-9309, sweatrecordsmiami.com.

The Fresh Beat Band in Concert: 6:30 p.m., $39. Count De Hoernle Amphitheater, 590 Plaza Real, Boca Raton, 561-362-0606, miznerpark.com.

Joel Dasilva & the Midnight Howl: With Will Buck, 10 p.m., $10. Bar-dot, 3456 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-576-7750, bardotmiami.com.

Jonathan Kreisberg: Get ready for jazz utopia, 8 p.m., $5. Tobacco Road, 626 S. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-374-1198, tobacco-road.com.

Los Bastardos Magnificos: With Brownbird Rudy Relic, 11 p.m., free-$5. Poorhouse, 110 SW Third Ave., Fort Lauderdale, 954-522-5145, poorhousebar.com.

Men’s Night: With Dyslexic Postcards, Talking Dogs, Midnight Hour, Komakozie, the Jellyfish Brothers, ‘90s Teen, and DJ Pigmoney, 9 p.m., $5. Churchill’s Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-757-1807, churchillspub.com.

Santana: 8 p.m., $65-$165. Hard Rock Live, 1 Seminole Way, Hol-lywood, 954-797-5531, hardrocklivehollywoodfl.com.

Sneaker Pimps 10 Year Anniversary: With Davie Jeff, DJ Fly Guy, Ace Hood, Iggy Azalea, Honey Cocaine, Sky Zoo, Mach Five, Blake Car-rington, Uzoy, and Nyemiah Supreme, 8 p.m., $20/$25. Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-377-2277, grandcentralmiami.com.

The Misfits: 8 p.m., $12. Revolution Live, 100 SW 3rd Ave., Fort Lauderdale, 954-449-1025, jointherevolution.net.

SAT U R DAY, AU G . 2 5

Big Brooklyn Red: 7:30 p.m., free. Wynwood Kitchen & Bar, 2550 NW 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-772-8959, wynwoodkitchenandbar.com.

Dissever: With Silenmara, Carnivores at Grace, Moirae, State of Solitude, and Third Impact, 9 p.m., $5. Churchill’s Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-757-1807, churchillspub.com.

Jole Dasilva and the Midnight Howl: 10 p.m., $5. Tobacco Road, 626 S. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-374-1198, tobacco-road.com.

King Britt: With Eric Peredes and Sven, 10 p.m., $10. Bardot, 3456 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-576-7750, bardot-miami.com.

KRISP: CD-release party with Cog Nomen, 10 p.m., $5. Green Room, 109 SW 3rd Ave., Fort Lauderdale, 954-727-0950, greenroomlive.com.

Mad World Orchestra: From the ashes of “Eruption,” the newest, greatest ’80s cover band in SoFla, 7 p.m., free. The Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami, 305-576-9577, facebook.com/thestagemiami.

Rock Kings of South Florida: Featuring Atom Smash, My Amends, Daybreak Embrace, Kezia, Kill the Messengers, Here’s to Nathan, Leave It to Us, 6:30 p.m., $10. Culture Room, 3045 N. Federal Highway, Fort Lauderdale, 954-564-1074, cultureroom.net.

Santana: 8 p.m., $65-$165. Hard Rock Live, 1 Seminole Way, Hol-

lywood, 954-797-5531, hardrocklivehollywoodfl.com.Suenalo: 10 p.m., $10. PAX - Performing Arts eXchange, 337 SW 8th

St., Miami, 305-640-5847, paxmiami.com.Toadeyes EP Release and Goodbye Show: Dropping Omnipleasant

EP before moving to Boston. With DJ Peligro, Jolt Radio, the Deaf Poets, the Anthropologists of Nosy Mangabe, the Gun Hoes, and the Astrokatz. Subvert Ales serving up tasty brews. Admission donation includes free shirt and beers,

8 p.m., $10. The Jellyhouse, 164 NW 20th St., Miami.

S U N DAY, AU G . 2 6

Island Love: Rotating live bands play tropical, world beat, and reggae music, 8 p.m., free. The Clevelander Hotel, 1020 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach, 305-532-4006, clevelander.com.

Hippiefest: With Johnny Winter, Edgar Winter, Rick Derringer, Leslie West, and Kim Simmonds, 8 p.m., $50-$70. Seminole Casino Coconut Creek, 5550 NW 40th St., Coconut Creek, 954-977-6700, seminolecoconutcreekcasino.com.

Koko Beware: With the Gun Hoes, Kill Mama, and the Pass, 9 p.m., $5. Churchill’s Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-757-1807, churchillspub.com.

Manchester Orchestra: With River City Extension, and Chris Staples, 7 p.m., $16. Culture Room, 3045 N. Federal Highway, Fort Lauderdale, 954-564-1074, cultureroom.net.

Sayonara Summer: Godzilla-size sale: 10% off all vinyl and CDs, 25% off books, and tons of other mega-markdowns. With DJs Hottpants and Ashworth, tasting by Subvert Ales, the Mushaboom Food Truck, and free spiked summer punch, 12 p.m., free. Sweat Records, 5505 NE Second Ave., Miami, 786-693-9309, sweatrecordsmiami.com.

M O N DAY, AU G . 2 7

Miami Jazz Jam: With Nando Ulibarra, plus Mike Wood and Dan Serro spinning vinyl jazz. Also featuring Theatre de Underground., 9 p.m., $5. Churchill’s Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-757-1807, churchillspub.com.

Good Monday: Old-school hip-hop with sounds by Damaged Goods and friends., 9 p.m., free. Haven, 1237 Lincoln Road, Miami Beach, 305-987-8885, havenlounge.com.

| CONCERTS & CLUBS |

▼ Music

Club and concert listings are free and rotate in print. Find more at miaminewtimes.com/music. To list your act, email [email protected]. Call club listings editor Jacob Katel at 305-571-7549.

SCAN THIS CODE TO DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APPiPHONE OR ANDROIDFOR MORE CONCERTS OR VISIT: miaminewtimes.com

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JD & THE HOWL

& D J C A R E B E A R • 1 0 P M - 3 A M

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CALL IMMEDIATELY 305.648.2255

KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!Bird Bowl Bowling Center • 305.221.1221 • 9275 S.w. 40th St. MiaMi, Fl 33165 • www.BirdBowl.CoM

“SUNDAY NIGHT OWLS” Sundays - 9:00 PM to Closing * Buy 1 hour of bowling or Billiards from 9 pm to close and get

1 hour free * $25.00 per hour, per lane all day

“LADIES BOWL FREE”thursdays - 7:00 PM to Closing • ladies get 2 free games

“INTERNATIONAL SATURDAYS” Saturdays - 10:00 PM to Closing • the best party music from europe, north america, latin america and the Caribbean.

“CUSTOMER APPRECIATION NIGHT”Mondays - 7:00 PM to Closing • $9.99 per person plus tax 2 hours of bowling including shoes

“COLLEGE SOCIAL NETWORKING NIGHT” tuesdays - 7:00 PM to Closing • $9.99 per person plus tax 2 hours of bowling including shoes • 2 for 1 well drinks

“WACKY WEDNESDAY”wednesdays - 7:00 PM to Closing • $1.50 per game/per person (not including shoe rental of $3.75 plus tax)

Purchase a souvenir Mug filled to the top with your favorite draft beer and domestic refills are $2.00

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Indie Electro Nights

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Karaoke Night

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Purple Lights

Amateur Night

(open mic) hosted

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DAILY & FULL BAR

Call for complete details

[email protected]

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DA N C E

Arkadia: 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-674-4680, arkadi-amiami.com. Viva Fridays, International sounds by DJ Geeh and Ron Luna, Fridays, 11 p.m., $20 ladies, $30 guys.

Bamboo: 550 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-695-4771, bamboomiamibeach.com. Open Format, Exclusive VIP with all the luxury of South Beach, Fridays, 11 p.m.; Saturdays, 11 p.m., ladies $20, guys $30. Industry Tuesdays, Super posh, super VIP, total service, and DJ Rascal, Tuesdays, 11 p.m., ladies $20, guys $30.

Chalk Ping Pong & Billiards Lounge: 1234 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-532-8662, chalkmiami.com. DJ Moonboots, Get on the dance floor. RSVP required for admittance, Fri., Aug. 24, 10 p.m., free with [email protected].

Coco De Ville: 2377 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-604-6545, onelit-tlewest12.com/cocomiami. Submission presents Latex and Lace, With Danny Bled, Essential6, Dracula’s Daughter, drink specials, and no cameras!, Sat., Aug. 25, 11 p.m., $10/$20.

Dream Nightclub: 1532 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-674-8018, dreammia.com. Eye Candy Saturdays, With hip hop, R&B, reggae, and reggaeton by DJ LS One., Saturdays, 10 p.m., $20.

Electric Pickle: 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-456-5613, elec-tricpicklemiami.com. Art Department, With Crosstown Rebels, and Maxxi Sound System in a 12 hour marathon future boogie funk jam with backyard late night disco sets, Fri., Aug. 24, 6 p.m., $10-$25. Konrad Black, With Blond Ish, William Renuart, and Diego, Sat., Aug. 25, 10 p.m., $10-$20. Slap & Tickle, Weekly underground dance party with revolving DJs and drink specials, Tuesdays, 10 p.m., free.

Gryphon: 5711 Seminole Way, Hollywood, 954-581-5454, gryphon-club.com. Back 2 School Theme Party, Hot nerds and sexy school girls with music by Jesus Roa, Ryan Morales, and Benjamin Boom, Fri., Aug. 24, 10 p.m., $20. Trent Cantrelle with Donnie Lowe, Sat., Aug. 25, 10 p.m., $20.

Haven: 1237 Lincoln Road, Miami Beach, 305-987-8885, havenlounge.com. Miss V, Free V cocktails for ladies from 11-3. Musical direction by Andres Amadeus, Wednesdays, 11 p.m.

LIV: 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-674-4680, livnightclub.com. Bingo Players, Thu., Aug. 23, 11 p.m., $40 ladies, $50 guys. Mr Mauricio, Fri., Aug. 24, 11 p.m., $40-$150. Kate Elsworth, Sat., Aug. 25, 11 p.m., $75 ladies, $125 guys. Laidback Luke, With Ruen, Contra, and Jessica Who, Wed., Aug. 29, 11 p.m., $40 ladies, $60 guys.

Mansion: 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-695-8411, man-sionmiami.com. Kontrol presents Jamie Jones, Thu., Aug. 23, 11 p.m., $15. DJ Craze, Fri., Aug. 24, 11 p.m., $25. Moguai & Wippenberg, Sat., Aug. 25, 11 p.m., $30. Steve Aoki, Wed., Aug. 29, 11 p.m., $30.

Martini Bar at The Village of Gulfstream Park: 601 Silks Run 2497, Hallandale Beach, 954-589-2679, martinibargulfstream.com. “Stripped” The Show, A male revue and nightlife experience, Wed., Aug. 29, 9:30 p.m., $15.

Nikki Beach Miami: 1 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach, 305-538-1111, nik-kibeach.com. Nikki Sundays, Sunday nights as Nikki Beach Music collaborates with different acts, producers, and DJs to provide fresh, cutting edge entertainment every week, Sundays, 9 p.m., $10-$20.

Nocturnal: 50 NE 11th St., Miami, 305-576-6996, nocturnalmiami.com. Industry Playground, Sunday night/Monday morning afterhours party, Mondays, 5 a.m., $10-$20.

Purdy Lounge: 1811 Purdy Ave., Miami Beach, 305-531-4622, purdyl-ounge.com. Cocktail Hour, Daily, 6-9 p.m.; Music For Your Mama, DJs and drink specials, Fridays, 10 p.m.; Saturdays, 10 p.m., free.

Space: 34 NE 11th St., Miami, 305-375-0001, clubspace.com. Louis Puig, Patrick M (Terrace) and Guti (Techno Loft), Sat., Aug. 25, 10 p.m., $20 before midnight, $30 before 2a.m.

Tobacco Road: 626 S. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-374-1198, tobacco-road.com. Techno Contra Sundays, High energy flirtatious dance with techno, house, bounce, traditional and other musical styles. Come experience the dance revolution! Free instrucion starts at 6:30pm, Sundays, 6:30 p.m., $10.

Wall Lounge: 2201 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-938-3131, wallmiami.com. Cevin Fisher, “Put your body in it” CD Release party: Strictly Rhythm / Nervous / Sounds LTD, Sat., Aug. 25, 11 p.m., $40-$150.

Will Call: 700 NE 2nd Ave., Miami, 305-577-5900, willcallmiami.com. Funk It Up Fridays, With DJ Joshy Josh. Party till 7a.m., Fridays, 10 p.m., free.

| CONCERTS & CLUBS |

▼ Music

Club and concert listings are free and rotate in print. Find more at miaminewtimes.com/music. To list your act, email [email protected]. Call club listings editor Jacob Katel at 305-571-7549.

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1811 PURDY AVE. MIAMI BEACH 305.531.4622

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Chalk Ping Pong & Billiards Lounge: 1234 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-532-8662, chalkmiami.com. The Breaks with DJ Craze, Alongside G Funk and drink specials, Thu., Aug. 23, 10 p.m., free.

Club Play: 1045 5th St., Miami Beach, 305-532-4340, clubplaysouth-beach.com. Headliner Fridays, Fridays, 11 p.m., $20.

Dream Nightclub: 1532 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-674-8018, dreammia.com. Fantasy Wednesdays, Wednesdays, 11 p.m.

King of Diamonds: 17800 NE 5th Ave., North Miami Beach, 305-999-9500, kingofdiamondmiami.com. Old School Thursdays, Best dressed OG contest with a $500 prize, plus a $5000 balloon drop., Thursdays. Three-Dollar Lunch Specials, Midday drink and dance deals, every single day of the week., Daily, noon; All-Star Celebrity Fridays, Fridays, 8 p.m.

Set Nightclub: 320 Lincoln Road, Miami Beach, 305-531-2800, setmiami.com. Make Hip Hop History, With DJ A Fly Guy, Wednes-days, 11 p.m., $25.

SoBe Live: 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-725-3353, sobelivesouthbeach.com. Scandalous Thursdays, Thursdays, 10 p.m. “The Life” Saturdays, Saturdays, 10 p.m. Spoiled Rotten Sundays, Everyone is free until 1 a.m, Sundays, 10 p.m., $15-$20; Reggae Sundays, Black Chiney’s Walshy Fire. Everyone in free till 1a.m. with bottle specials, Sundays, 10 p.m.

The Stage: 170 NE 38th St., Miami, 305-576-9577, facebook.com/thestagemiami. Beats N Rhymes Wednesdays, With DJs Drop D, Iron Lyon, and Manuvers. No cover for ladies, first drink free before midnight, Wednesdays, 10 p.m.

L AT I N

Brickell Irish Pub: 1451 S. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-381-6651, brickel-lirishpub.com. Rock En Español, Live music, drink specials, great grub, Thursdays, 9 p.m., free.

Cafe Iguana Pines: 8358 Pines Blvd., Hollywood, 954-433-8787, cafeiguanapines.com. Noche Latina Internacional, Top DJs playing hip hop, and reggaeton, Wednesdays, 10 p.m., $10.

Caffe Da Vinci: 1009 Kane Concourse (Bay Harbor Island), Miami Beach, 305-861-8166, caffedavinci.com. Fabian Lengua, Playing the best salsa, merengue, bachata, and more. Ladies drink free till 1a.m., and gentlemen get 50% off drinks and appetizers, Fridays, 9 p.m., free.

Club Euforia: 90 NE 11th St., Miami, 786-425-3545, club90degree.com. Mega Thursdays, Drink specials and entrance specials for ladies, Thursdays. Saturday Night Live, Saturdays, 10:30 p.m.

Club Play: 1045 5th St., Miami Beach, 305-532-4340, clubplay-southbeach.com. Latin Saturdays, Music by DJ Chino, Saturdays, 11 p.m., $20.

Hoy Como Ayer: 2212 SW Eighth St., Miami, 305-541-2631, hoyco-moayer.us. Fuácata!, Resident DJ Le Spam plays every Thursday, Thursdays, 11 p.m., $10. Amaury Gutierrez, En concierto., Fridays, 11 p.m., $10. Anamaría Perera, Saturdays, 9:30 p.m., $10. Tropicasa, A fusion of house, techno, dub, and Afro-Cuban music featuring Oscar G., Wednesdays, 10 p.m., $7.

Jazid: 1342 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-673-9372, jazid.net. Feneiva, Celebrating ten years at Jazid every single Tuesday with Latin rock, Tuesdays, 9 p.m., $5.

Justin’s Bar and Lounge: 17813 Biscayne Blvd., Aventura, 305-931-1900, justinsaventura.com. Jammin Johnny and DJ Berdugo - Latin Ladies Night, Reggaeton, bachata, hip hop, merengue, and salsa, with $5 Patron, and $5 JW Black all night, Fridays, 10 p.m., $10-$20.

La Covacha: 10730 NW 25th St., Doral, 305-594-3717, lacovacha.com. Live Latin Bands, with guest DJs, Thursdays-Saturdays. Daddy Yankee In Concert, Sat., Aug. 25, 8 p.m., $35.

Ole Ola: 7500 NW 25th St., Miami, 305-594-7999, facebook.com/OleOlaBistro. Latin Happy Hour, $2.50 beer bottles, Mondays-Saturdays, 4-7 p.m., free; Maite Rivero, Fridays, 8:30 p.m., free.

Studio 60: 2300 NW 36th St., Miami, 305-260-0025. Sexy Latin Fridays, Ladies get in free the whole night, and drink free till midnight. DJ Jerry playing open format in the main room, and DJ Joey in the hip hop room. $100 bottle specials, Fridays, 10 p.m.

Tipico Dominicano: 1344 NW 36th St., Miami, 305-634-7819, clubplanet.com. Family Style Sundays, The DJ plays bachata, merengue, salsa, hip hop, reggae, y mas, and then the band keep the party people dancing till 5 a.m. Drink specials, and great food available, Sundays, 10 p.m., $10.

F U S I O N

Bardot: 3456 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-576-7750, bardotmiami.com. Roosevelt Collier, With Y Not, Wed., Aug. 29, 9 p.m., free.

Bougainvillea’s Old Florida Tavern: 7221 SW 58th Ave., South Miami, 305-669-8577, bougiesbar.com. Reggae Thursdays, Ladies drink FREE 10pm-midnight! $4 Red Stripe, $6 Flor de Caña. Live reggae bands!, Thursdays, 9 p.m., free. Colbert, Fri., Aug. 24, 10 p.m., free. Homegrown Saturdays, Miami’s best original bands jam in the living room 10pm-2am and DJ Pistol Pete on the back patio!, Saturdays, 9 p.m., free; Space Between Words and The Crazy Carls, Sat., Aug. 25, 11 p.m., free. Karaoke Tuesdays, Live karaoke hosted by Karaoke Plus! $5 Happy Meal (PBR+Jager shot), Tuesdays, 10 p.m., free. 10 62

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13690 N.W. 7TH AVE • NORTH MIAMI I-95 & 135 ST. EXIT

305.681.1756

99¢ BEERS 4PM-8:30PMSUNDAY NIGHTS!

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4PM TILL THEWEE HOURS! 7DAYS

TOTALLY NUDE DANCING

Bucket Special’s (till 6pm)

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2pm-3am7 Days a WeekMason Storm

5655 SW 8 St. Miami, FL 33134305.264.4551

Little Havana’s Best Adult Bar for over 40 years!

Hours Of Happiness, Happy hour until 2a.m. with DJ French Kiss in the living room, Wednesdays, 4 p.m., free.

The Corner: 1035 N. Miami Ave., Miami, 305-961-7887. Hi Fi Tuesdays, With Nightdrive DJs Stravinsky, Pirate Stereo, Mr. Brown, Laura of Miami, Patrick Walsh, Terence Tabeau, and Martin Borland, Tuesdays, 10 p.m., free.

Fado Irish Pub: 900 S. Miami Ave., Miami, 786-924-0972, fadoir-ishpub.com/miami/about-fado. Pub Quiz with J.R., Great ques-tions, powered by Brainstormer, great drinks and weekly prizes., Tuesdays, 8 p.m., free.

The Grey Area: 130 NW 24th St., Miami. Rockerz, With DJ Fiyah Vibez and Friends. Rotating guest DJs Original Dubmaster, Slomo, and Immortal. Enter the weekly raffle to win free art work for $10 and drink free all night long. SPonsored by Scratch DJ Academy and Nug Brand Clothing, Thursdays, 11:59 p.m., free.

Inner Look: 4925 SW 74th Court, Miami. Speak! Fridays, Miami’s most diverse open mike., Fridays, 9:30 p.m., $5-$10, 786-252-1424.

Jazid: 1342 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, 305-673-9372, jazid.net. Back Wild Thursdays, Live music and drink specials every week, Thursdays, 11 p.m., free. Kulcha Shok Muzik, A night of live, sweet reggae music, featuring Mixed Culture or Jahfe with host Lance-O, rotating DJs, and special guests., Sundays, 11 p.m., $5-$10, kulchashok.com. Karaoke Night, Upstairs Mary Jane Mondays with funk/soul, classic hip hop, and reggae presented by Soul of Mia (DJ Fiyah Vibez), Mondays, 10 p.m., free. Ladies Night With Sweet Spot, DJ DX upstairs, Wednesdays, 11 p.m., free.

Kill Your Idol: 222 Española Way, Miami Beach, 305-534-1009. WVUM Live Broadcast, With guest DJs, $3 domestic drafts, and $2 shots all night, Wednesdays, 9 p.m., free.

Loews Miami Beach Hotel: 1601 Collins Ave., Miami Beach, 305-604-1601, loewshotels.com. Live From Loews, Featuring Miami’s up and coming stars, Thursdays, 8 p.m., free.

Lou’s Beer Garden: 7337 Harding Ave., Miami Beach, 305-704-7879, lousbeergarden.com. Bikini Girls, It’s a pool party: All females rocking a two-piece bathing suit get a free beer every hour on the hour., Saturdays, Sundays, free.

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Ricochet Bar & Lounge: 3250 NE 1st Ave. #122B, Miami, 305-673-3873, ricochetlounge.com. Rewind Thursdays, Ladies enjoy complimentary cocktails till 11pm, Thursdays, 9 p.m., free. RAW (ricochet after work), 50% off all food and drink. $6 sliders, $3 beers, Fridays, 5-8 p.m., free.

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High RoadDon’t be a vindictive psycho because your two exes are dating each other.

BY DAN SAVAGE

Dear Dan: I am a college-age gay male. Last year, I dated two guys. The first — let’s call him Mitt — I dated for five months. He broke up with me, and it hurt as much as breakups do, but I got over it. A few months later, I dated another guy — let’s call him Paul — for a month. I really liked him, but he broke up with me too. Then I found out that two days after breaking up with me, Paul started going out with Mitt. They knew I had dated each of them. It was the end of the school year, and I quickly left for vacation. The school year starts back up soon, and I am still pissed and hurt that they are dating. Do I have a right to be? Should I just get over my-self? Should I just do my best to avoid them?

Exes Became a Couple

Avoid them for now, EBAC, and get over yourself.Gays and lesbians are about 2 to 5 percent of

the population. I’m afraid that arithmetic precludes us from hewing to the “bro code” — at least where dating friends-of-exes, exes-of-friends, or exes-of-exes are concerned. We simply don’t have the lux-ury of being as rigid about this shit as straight people do. The pickings for us are just too slim.

But you have a right to your feelings, EBAC, and you should go ahead and feel the shit out of your pissed-and-hurt feelings. Two guys dated you, both dumped you, and now they’re dating each other. That’s gotta sting. So avoid your exes for now — why salt your wounds by hanging out with them? — but resist the urge to go to war with your exes. Don’t trash them on Facebook, don’t force your friends to choose sides. Smile and nod when you see them on campus, chat po-litely if you’re thrown together at parties, and just generally accept their relationship with as much good grace as you can muster.

Remember: The odds that these guys will be together forever are pretty slim. I’m not suggest-ing that their more-probable-than-not breakup should delight you, EBAC, only that you might not want to burn bridges because — college be-ing college, gay men being gay men — you could wind up dating one or the other or both of these guys again. Or, more likely, you might want to be friends with one or the other or both of them once your hurt has burned off.

And finally, EBAC, ask yourself what you want these guys saying to mutual friends — some of whom might be gay, some of whom might be into you — if they’re asked about you. Do you want them to say you revealed yourself to be an angry and vindictive psycho when they got together? Or do you want them to say that, although you were obviously hurt when they got together, you were gracious about it, and that while you weren’t the right guy for either of them, you’re a good guy and the right guy for somebody?

Dear Dan: I’m a 26-year-old queer woman. I’m about to visit a friend who used to be my boy-friend and who has been my lover when we’ve visited each other since. Sex with him is fun for

me, but it’s been life-changing for him. I’m the first person he has ever shared his kinks with: age re-gression/diapers/submission. He’s been ashamed of his kinks for most of his life, and I’ve been com-pletely accepting and have helped him get over his sense of shame. Playing this role in my friend’s life is fun, sexy, and meaningful for me. My own tastes, though, are more vanilla. Some of the things that would be most satisfying to me — cun-nilingus, him being a little dominant sometimes, and French kissing — have been absent from our sex. He says he wants to do for me whatever I want, and I’ve told him what I want as clearly as I just told you. But he seems to have some kind of a block about doing those things. I’ve tried to be positive about oral sex and not put pressure on my friend, but rather let him know how hot it is for me and how fantastic it makes me feel. But so far, he won’t do it. I’ve also let him know I really enjoy kissing with tongue and that it’s pretty much the most arousing thing for me. But he’s done very lit-tle of that too. He’s aware of the inequality in what we’ve done for each other and acknowledges it’s unfair that he’s “gotten away with it.” Help!

She Misses Tongue

While I was on vacation last week, sex writer, activ-ist, and feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino filled in for me. Tristan gave some advice to a woman in a similar situation (kinky partner being treated to first fantasy-fulfillment experiences ne-glecting needs of indulgent vanilla partner): “Your boyfriend has finally been able to reveal his desires and fantasies to you,” Tristan wrote. “That’s a big deal, and when it happens, many people can go through a phase of being selfish and self-centered.”

I agree with Tristan, but I would go a bit fur-ther: Your friend — your selfish, thoughtless friend — is taking advantage of you, SMT, and as he knows you well enough to sense that meeting his needs is “fun, sexy, and meaningful” for you, he figures he can keep getting away with it.

Right now, your relationship isn’t character-ized by a healthy give-and-take of pleasure. You’re servicing your ex — or, to put it more chari-tably, you’re doing your ex a favor. The question for you, SMT, is how long you intend to go on do-ing him this particular favor. If the pleasure you’re taking in helping him realize his fantasies is enough, perhaps you should keep doing him fa-vors. But would you be writing to me about this situation if it were enough?

Dear Dan: Early in August, a gentleman who signed himself WHACK wrote to you inquiring whether he should clear his browser history to keep his porn viewing from becoming known to his anti-porn wife, because the wife had noticed an empty browser history and gotten suspicious. Browser clearing is an option, of course, but most browsers also have an option that allows users to browse anonymously, Dan, without retaining any history, cookies, passwords, etc. Google Chrome calls it “In-cognito,” Safari and Firefox call it “Private Brows-ing,” Internet Explorer calls it “InPrivate Browsing.” Turn it on before entering NSFW sites and turn if off after leaving such sites and you can build up an in-nocent-looking browser history without anyone seeing anything that might displease them.

Fanatic About Privacy

Thank you, FAP, for writing in — and thanks to the millions of other harried husbands who wrote in to share the good news about private browsing features with WHACK.

Email Dan at [email protected]

▼ Savage Love

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BAY HARBOR ISLANDS $1250 305-864-3475Newly renovated unit. Now available. 2 Br. Free parking, on site mgmt, walk to A+ schools, pool. 10231 East Bay Harbor Drive

COCONUT GROVE $825-$875 305-774-15071BR/1BA, Walk to bay & Cocowalk, 2 pools, gated security, laundry facility, parking, quiet, on site manager. No Pets.

DESIGN DISTRICT $900 305-987-4001Architect owned Tropical Beauty spacious 1/1 lg kitchen close to Sobe, Down Town, Airport, hard wood & tile � oors, 528 NW 47th St.

DESIGN DISTRICT FROM $1050 305-754-2541 2BR Apt in New Gated Community. Wood � rs, Walk in closet. Patio, Gym & Pool w/ free WiFi. Laundry Room. 24HR Sec. Free Parking.

DOWN TOWN $575-$800 305-992-0392

WALK TO WORK/STUDENTS Only 6 blocks from Flagler, MDCC Wolfson Campus, Bayside & AA

Arena. 1br $575, 2br. $700, 3br. $800.Gated complex, Sec. cameras, Tile � oors, Laundry facility & Parking. Strict Management. Utilities not

included.1st Mo. + Sec. No App Fee. 24 hr. Approval. Owner.

DOWNTOWN From $1,102 866-661-4205

LIVE IN BAY PARC PLAZASpectacular studios, one & two bedroom apt homes at Bay Parc Plaza inc oversized closets, energy-saving GE kitchens, washer/ dryer. Sunrises & sunsets are amazing from your private balcony overlooking the bay. Appreciate on-site conveniences like garage parking, on-site groceries with ATM, dry cleaning services and we even have a pet spa! Our neighborhood is in the heart of the Per-forming Arts District, and only � ve minutes to downtown Miami, South Beach and Coconut Grove. Call today to schedule your per-sonal tour! 1-866-661-4205 Equal Housing Opportunity

DOWNTOWN MIAMI AREA FROM $600 305-219-6473BEST DEAL IN TOWN! NE 25th St & Biscayne Blvd. Beautiful Lrg ef� -ciency $600 UnFurn, $800 Furn. A/C, wood � rs. Prkng. No pets.

DOWNTOWN MIAMI FROM $349/WEEK 305-373-7783Need a Short Term Rental? Get free continental breakfast, Wi-Fi, Cable TV @ Hotel Leamington. No Deposit, Credit Check or Applica-tion Fee! 24 Hr Reception, En Suite Bathrooms, Microwave & Fridge

HALLANDALE $675 305-935-23761BR/1Ba Apt. Clean, all tiled, Freshly Painted parking, next to Aventu-ra quiet Neighborhood , 615 N.E. 7th Street.

Hollywood Beach $900 305-972-2373Beautiful studio on the beach w/garage. Furnished + All utilities. 24 hrs Security. Short term lease OK. What else do you want for $900?

HOLLYWOOD HILLS $675 954-549-82431br/1ba $675 was $1200 t. New Carpet, lg rooms, modern home, light work need, plus have a new Job for remodeling homes! Must be a strong Young men. Also 1 room for $375 a month all furn.

LAUDERDALE LAKES FROM $725 954-486-49061, 2 & 3 Br's. Tile � rs, Cent-A/C, Laundry, Pool & Security Cameras. Only $500 Security Dep. 4406 NW 36th St. Seawind Lakes

MIAMI $725 305-945-1843

Moving Special ! 2BR/1BA Tiled Floors, renovated, New Kitchen and new A/C's.

Quiet Gated Building. Owner maintain, 5901 N.E 2nd Ave. Ready to move in !

MIAMI $1,095 305-754-2541 2 MONTHS FREE!! 3BR Apt in New Gated Community. Walk in closet. Patio, Gym & Pool w/ free WiFi. Laundry Rm. 24HR Sec. Free Prkg.MIAMI BEACH $1350 305-866-7777COLLINS/58 ST Lrg 1BR/1.5BA -Updated, Open Balcony - Bay Views 24 Hour, Security - Gym - Pool - Prkg - Victor Rivera - Beachfront Realty

MIAMI BEACH $1450 305-866-7777Waterfront LRG 2BR/2BA - Open Balcony - Direct Ocean & Bay Views 24 HR Security - Gym - Pool - 2 Prkg - Victor Rivera - Beachfront Rlty

MIAMI BEACH $900-$1300 305-864-2422Studio & 1 BR w/den, pool, parking, and free hot water. Walk to ocean, No dogs. 800-382-2422 or email [email protected]

MIAMI/EL PORTAL $720 917-673-9996Charming nest for a single bird. Relax in peaceful 1 BR apt in historic home, lrg tropical garden, lovely pvt patio. Utilies Fee $120 for Wi� , cable, elect & water. Extremely clean, New hdwd � rs. Washer.

MIDTOWN FROM $895 305-754-2541 2 Months FREE!! 1 BR Apt in New Gated Community. Walk in closet. Patio, Gym & Pool w/ free WiFi. Laundry Room. 24HR Sec. Free Prkg.SOUTH BEACH $775 1-305-852-9267Studio half block Beach. 220 Collins Large Renov. studio in courtyard pool kitchen, dinning area walking closed, new wood � oors new bath small quiet building, Gated building Year lease.

SOUTH BEACH $1150 786-457-7033Studio, with HARD WOOD � oors, stainless steel appliances.Close to beach and Lincoln Rd. Available NOW!!! Call Harry: 786-457-7033

SOUTH BEACH $1,150 305-951-35331BR/1BA, Corner apt. Gated Building w/parking, Tiled Flrs, Cen. A/C Laundry, walk to the Beach Lincoln Rd, 1409 Euclid Ave . Pets Ok!

SOUTH BEACH $850 - $875 305-233-9898Extra Large Studios on Meridian. laundry facilities, 1 year lease, no dogs. Small personal bldg Walk to beach. 1st & 2nd Floor, Avail Now.

SOUTH BEACH $1175 305-970-5144 SWEET SPACIOUS 1BD/1Bath w/off Street Gated Covered Parking lg balcony, beautiful newly renovated quiet bldg and apt, just painted & new elevator. new appl, separate mirrored dressing room w/ large

walk in closet,mirrors, intercom, verticals,tile, No pets! Close to beach and shopping!

SOUTH BEACH FROM $800 305-535-5033Updated Studio $800 & 2BR/2BTH $1,350. Gated. Laundry Facility. No Pets. Minimum 6 mo. lease. 1540 Pennsylvania. Delano Bldg.

SOUTH BEACH 305-531-3155

GREAT SOBE LOCATION! 1/1 @ Gotham Apts - 702 13th ST

(13th & Euclid)

1/1 @ Parkedge - 1437 MeridianNew fully RENOVATED, NEW YORK LOFT STYLE

For rental information call 305-531-3155www.jameckdevelopment.com

JAMECK DEVELOPMENTSOUTH BEACH $900 305-535-9790

SOUTH OF 5TH NO LEASEPARADISE POINT, UNIQUELY FURNISHED STUDIOS FROM

WKLY $400 + TAX .MONTHLY FROM $900.00. FULL KTCHN, OAK FLOORS ALL UTIL/ CBLE TV INCLUDED/WIFI. FULLY RENOVATED SHORT

TERM. 2 BLKS TO BCH! small deposit req 561-395-2533

SOUTH BEACH FROM $900 305-531-3143Furnished/UnFurnished ef� ciencies & 1 BR's avail immediately. All Utilities Included! W&D on site. Walk to beach, shops & restaurants!

SOUTH BEACH $875 305-299-8479Studio Charming, 2445 Lake Pancoast Drv. Clean, sunny corner unit facing waterway on Collins. Great location, amazing views. Walk to Beach & Lincoln Rd. Mexican tile � oors, updatd bath,new stove, lovely pool & garden, lush landscaped surroundings. Incld prkg & cable. Avail immediately ! You will love this place! 1 yr lease req. Call Lillian

320Houses for Rent

HIBISCUS ISLAND $2,850 305-442-9085House Miami Beach unfurnished 2br/2ba, wood � oors, FL Room, Lg Closet, kitchen & yard,Sec Community, Tennis & Basket ball courts

350Vacation

MIAMI BEACH FROM $1100/mo 305-864-2422Vacation/corp 1Br's & studios, furn, equipd, md svc, no smok-ing/pets. Walk 2 ocean. wkly avail.800-382-2422 [email protected]

365Comm Rentals

WYNWOOD 305-502-55532020 NW Miami Court. 8 Comm'l artist, photo studios & gallery space 2nd � r only. 300-1200 sqft, cent a/c, street prkg. 1st/last/sec

200Real Estate for Sale205 Condos/Townhomes210 Houses/Duplexes for Sale215 Open House220 Commercial223 Vacation & Lake Property225 Acreage/Land230 Real Estate Wanted

235 Manufactured Homes240 Miscellaneous245 RE Services250 Home Resources255 Income Property260 Out of Town

205Condos/Townhomes/Duplexes for Sale

MIAMI BEACH $158,000 305-866-7777COLLINS/54- OCEANFRNT LRG 2 STORY-UPDATED 1BD/1.5BA 24 HR Security- Pool- Gym - Parking -Victor Rivera - Beachfront Realty

MIAMI BEACH $249,000 305-866-7777COLLINS AVE/50 ST- OCEANFRNT- LRG 2BD/2BA- OCN VWS- 24 HR Security- Pool - Gym - Parking -Victor Rivera - Beachfront Realty

SOUTH BEACH $165K NEGOTIABLE 786-382-1762Balcony w/parking spot. New A/C & H2O htr. All Tiled � rs. 5 Blocks fmthe beach. 3RD Floor in Secured Bldg. Ready to show NOW. Call Steve

SUNNY ISLES $121,000 305-866-7777Waterfront Lrg 2BD/2BA, 1,100 sqft- open balcony- Canal Views - Remodeled - Minutes to Beach/Ocean- Victor Rivera- Beachfrnt Rlty

240Miscellaneous

ALL AREAS

500+ HOMES up for Auction

FORECLOSED HOME AUCTION. 500+ FLORIDA Homes. REDC/ Free Brochure . RE No. CQ1031187

www.AUCTION.com

ALL AREAS 305-944-2325ATTORNEY AT LAW

BEHAR LAW OFFICESDADE/BROWARD

FORECLOSURESCONDO ASSOCIATION LAW & DISPUTES

General/Commerical LitigationDIVORCES • EVICTIONS

PERSONAL INJURY REAL ESTATE CLOSINGS

Mortgage Foreclosure DefensePrivate Equity Loans Available

Criminal Misdemeanor Felony Defense Off Counsel employed in certain cases

LOW RATES20 Years ExperienceWE KNOW THE LAW!

Call 305-944-2325 www.beharlawof� ces.com

RentalsN &Real Estate

Let us guide you on your way to

RECOVERYResearchers at the University Of Miami

Miller School Of Medicine are conducting a clinical study to see if an FDA approved medication for Bipolar Disorders offers any

benefit in reducing alcohol and cocaine use and cravings.

You may be eligible if you:Are between the ages of 18-65

Have a diagnosis of Bipolar DisorderAre dependent on alcohol or cocaine

Do not have other major health problems

Study medications, laboratory studies, EKG, and study procedures are provided at no cost to participants and you may be

compensated for your time.

To learn more call: 1(866) RECOVERY/1(866) 617-3268 or (305) 243-1571 / All Calls are Confidential

Have you been diagnosed witH bipolar disorder?

do you Have problems witH alcoHol or cocaine?

do you wisH you could stop?

Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences,The Addiction Psychiatry and Psychiatric

Comorbidity ProgramsClinical Research Building

1120 NW 14th St. Miami, Fl 33136

* * * * DONATE YOUR CAR! * * * * Tax Write-off. Fast Pickup.Running or not. Cancer Fund Of America. (888) 269-6482

400Buy-Sell-Trade

410 Antiques, Arts, Collectibles412 Appliances415 Auctions420 Auto & Truck423 Auto Parts425 Boats430 Clothing & Accessories431 Electronics432 Garage/Yard Sales433 Free435 Furniture436 Jewelry437 Lost & Found440 Motorcycle445 Miscellaneous450 Pets, Pet Supplies455 Sports Equipment460 Tickets470 Tools

423Auto Parts

605 Musicians Avail. /Wanted610 Musician’s Services615 Music Instruction620 Music Equip/Instruments625 Plug the Band630 Show Biz635 Modeling & Talent640 Photography

600Music

635 Modeling & Talent

SMART MODELSNeeded full or part time to assist in the modeling & marketing of Medical Health Fitness calendar production. [email protected] attach photos

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Are You Getting Relief From

Your HeartburnMedication?

Doctors need volunteers for a research study of

an investigational add-on medication for continuing

reflux symptoms.

No-cost study-related care. Possible compensation up

to $600 for travel and expenses.

No health insurance or referrals are required.

S&W Clinical Research2510 E. Oakland Park Blvd Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33306

954-717-1919www.swclinicaltrials.com

Please contact Jackie Echagarrua at

305-638-6861 *246

guardian ad litEm rEcruitmEnt ad

The 11th Judicial Circuit Guardian ad Litem Program is looking to fill the position of a Volunteer Recruiter. The position is a full-time Position paying $33,076 annually with no benefits. This is professional work providing the highest level of volunteer recruiting and community outreach services. The Volunteer Recruiter markets the GAL Program in order to recruit qualified, potential volun-teer child advocates.

KnowlEdgE SKillS & abilitiES: Knowledge in all re-cruiting components including: sourcing; qualifying; networking; assessing; and relationship management. Ability to: interview; screen; speak publicly; develop & deliver presentations; present new recruiting concepts to executive leadership; recruit form a broad range of society.

Education & training guidElinES: A bachelor’s degree in Communications, Marketing, or Human Resources, or a related discipline and two years of experience working in a volunteer based organization.

If you are having some of these symptoms and 18-70 years of age, you may qualify to participate in a

clinical research study that is evaluating the safety andeffectiveness of an investigational drug for depression.

Compensation for time and travel may beavailable if you qualify for the research study.

Have You Been Diagnosed with Depression?

• Have you been feeling sad? Depressed?• Are you having difficulty falling asleep or are you restless at night?

• Do you have to push yourself to do work, activities or hobbies?

CALL MD CLINICAL to learn more about this research study:954-455-5757 • ext 111

610Musicians Services

RECORDING STUDIOINSANE SOUNDS is S. Florida’s premier recording studio and production facility. We help you get that BIG, CLEAR & POWER- FUL sound to give your project the edge! ProTools HD with TONS of plug-ins, mics & out- board gear. 3 sets of monitors including PMC BB5-XBD master- ing monitors. Large LIVE room. Save TIME & MONEY by mixing your project ONCE! Beat & Song Production, CD/DVD Du- plication, Satellite TV & WiFi. “… from Hip Hop to Hardcore.” www.insanesounds.com • Call 954.797.0470 or Email [email protected] • Ft Lauderdale.

635 Modeling & Talent

SMART MODELSNeeded full or part time to assist in the modeling & marketing of Medical Health Fitness calendar production. [email protected] attach photos

505 Automotive Services510 Bus Services515 Computer Services520 Financial Services525 Legal Services527 Legal Notices530 Misc. Services533 Home Services537 Adoptions540 Travel/Getaways

500Services

525Legal Services

ATTORNEY AT LAW

Attorney at LawBehar Law OfficesDADE/BROWARD

FORECLOSURESCONDO ASSOCIATION LAW &

DISPUTESGeneral/Commerical Litiga-

tion

DIVORCES•EVICTIONSPERSONAL INJURY

REAL ESTATE CLOSINGSMortgage Foreclosure

DefenseCriminal Misdemeanor

& Felony Defense Off Counsel employed in certain

cases

Private Equity Loans Available

LOW RATES20 Years Experience

WE KNOW THE LAW!Call 305-944-2325

www.beharlawoffices.com

CRIMINAL DEFENSE LAWYERState & Federal CourtFelonies, DUIs, MisdemeanorsFree Consultation 305-648-1040Available 24 Hours a Day.

527Legal Notices

U.S. ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCYANNOUNCES A NOTICE OF IN- STITUTIONAL CONTROLS AC- TION AIRCO PLATING SITE

The United States Environmen- tal Protection Agency (EPA) gives notice that it proposes to approve an institutional control for a contaminated site. Airco Plating is located at 3650 N.W. 46th Street, Miami, Florida 33142, EPA ID Number FLD004145140. There is an in- tention to restrict exposure to contamination in the following manner: Declaration of Restric- tive Covenant recorded in the public records of Dade County, Florida.

A complete copy of the draft restrictive covenant is available for public review at the Site Re- pository located at John F. Ken- nedy Memorial Library, 190 West 49th Street, Hialeah, Flori- da 33012.

Local governments with juris- diction over the property subject to the institutional control, real property owner(s) of any property subject to the institutional control, and residents of any property subject to the institutional control have 30 days from publication of this notice to provide comments to EPA.

Contact Information: If you have any questions, comments and/or concerns about the institutional controls, you may contact the following:

Peter Thorpe, Project Manager404-562-9688 / 1-800-435-9234 (Toll Free)

L'Tonya Spencer, Community Involvement Coordinator404-562-8463 / 1-800-435-9234 (Toll Free)

U.S. EPA - Region 4Superfund Division61 Forsyth Street SWAtlanta, Georgia 30303

530Misc. Services

WANTS TO purchase minerals and other oil & gas interests. Send details to P.O. Box 13557, Denver, Co 80201

533 Home Services

HANDYMANplumbing,painting,maintenanceelectrical and tile.Over 40 years of experience.305-854-1556

AFFORDABL MOVERS! MOVING & DELIVERY Affordable prices! Residen- tial/commercial Any size job. Prof. courteous Licensed. Call Johnny for flat rates 305-785-6282 or leave msg

535Personal Services

ABORTION SPECIALISTS - FREE TEST & ULTRASOUND. PILLS, IN- JECTIONS, SURGICAL. Call 24Hrs: 305-591-2288 www.evewomensmedical.com

102 Architecture/Engineering103 Auditions/Show Biz105 Career/Training/Schools110 Computer/Technical112 Construction/Labor115 Customer Service120 Drivers/Delivery/Courier125 Domestic Jobs127 Education130 Entertainment140 Financial/Accounting143 Government145 Management/Professional150 Medical/Dental/Health155 Medical Research Studies160 Office/Clerical165 Professional167 Restaurants/Hotels/Clubs170 Retail172 Sales & Marketing175 Telemarketing Center177 Salon180 Security/Law Enforcement183 Trade Jobs185 Miscellaneous Jobs187 Part-Time Jobs190 Business Opportunities193 Employment Information195 Position Wanted198 Non-Profit

100Employment

130Entertainment

ALL POSITIONS

GENTLEMEN'S CLUBCHEETAH HALLANDALE

MAKE BIG $$$

DANCERSAMATEURS WELCOME

WILL TRAIN

MANAGERSBARTENDERSMALE OR FEMALE

WAITRESSESMALE OR FEMALE

10 MIN. FROM BEACH!APPLY IN PERSON

@ CHEETAH HALLANDALE 100 ANSIN BLVD

HALLANDALE BEACH7 DAYS A WEEK

954-455-2131

CLUB DANCERS

S T O N E W A L LLOUNGE

Always Hiring:Fit, Friendly

Outgoing DANCERS

Also Hiring:High Energy DJ

Bilingual Bouncers

NO exp nec, will train! Day & Night shifts avail.

$ E-Z Money $Apply in person

1795 W Okeechobee Rd, HialeahCall 305-885-2739

155Medical Research Studies

Hector Wiltz, MD., CPI.Board Certified Dermatologist

FXM Research Miami

Do you or someone you know have Tinea

Pedis/Athlete's Foot?

FXM Research in Miami is looking for males and females 18 years or older that suffer from Tinea Pedis "Redness,

Itchiness, Maceration, Erosion, and/or Scaling areas in between

your toes" to participate in a three [3] study-visit clinical

research study. Medical Insurance is not required for study participation.

Qualified participants will receive:

• Evaluation by a Board Certified Dermatologist.

• Investigational Study Medica- tion or placebo at no cost.

• Reimbursement for time and travel up to USD $150.00.

For more information please call: (305) 220-5222

FXM Research Miami11760 Bird Road, Suite 452

Miami, FL 33175

www.fxmresearch.com

127Education

BUSCAS FUERZAS ARMADAS?Ofrecemos el repaso para que pases el examen "ASVAB"con 50 puntos o más. Llama Toll Free a:1-855-500-5272. Matricúlate YA!

120Drivers/Delivery/Courier

DRIVERS : With 4 Cylinder car / motorcycle / Economic Mini Van. Full time - Part Time and weekends ForMessenger Service / Courier field. Well Presented Attire - Call 305-455-4920 or email [email protected]

145Management/Professional

DIRECTOR PRIVATE LABOR OPERATIONS, F/T, MBA, Direct sales of private label products domestically and internationally; direct exports to Central Ameri- ca and the Caribbean; analyze the development of private label products; direct, plan and implement policies and objectives for direct sales to major retailers to maximize return on investment and market share; prepare budgets for approval by board of directors; negotiate contracts and business deals with large retail partners. Mail resume: Daniel Rodriguez, Shared Services Mgr., Alpina Foods, LLC, 601 Brickell Key Dr., #901, Miami, FL 33131

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LEARN BARTENDING! ABC

BARTENDING

SCHOOLS

CALL 1-800-BARTEND305-267-1446

[email protected]

South Beach,MiamiJob Placement

Clases en EspañolLEARN BARTENDING!

10% OFF TUITION with ad upon

enrollment

Meridian Technical Center

New Careers in as few as 9 months

Licensed by the Commission for Independent Education, License # 4643

Job Placement Assistance Financing Available

• Business Administrative Assistant• Medical Billing & Coding• Medical Administrative Technology

305.595.957010300 SW 72 Street, Suite 427 Miami, Florida 33173

NO HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA?WE CAN HELP!

APRENDA INGLES

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•Massage Therapy

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EDUCATION / INSTRUCTION

7925 N.W. 12 ST., STE. 201 | MIAMI, FL 33126

1.877.370.5125www.fcnh.com

PREPARE FOR A CAREER YOU WILL LOVE!

For more information about our graduation rates, median debt of students whocompleted the programs, and other important information, please visit our website

at www.fcnh.com/programs.html.

In My City...

ReactionEverything

TIME IS

1.877.608.2489

The right training could prepare you to be a hero!

A non-profit institution. Accredited by the Accrediting Council for Independent Colleges and Schools (ACICS)

Emergency Medical ServicesEarn your associate’s degree in

Financial Aid (for those who qualify)Flexible Class Schedules Career Placement Assistance

Campuses in Miami, Fort Lauderdale, and Hollywood

For more information about our graduation rates, the median debt of students who completed the program, and other important information please visit www.bsa.edu/courses/ge-disclosures.html

Learn Beauty

CosmetologyNail TechnicianMake UpMassage TherapySkin CareAnd More...bsa.edu 305.824.2069

HIALEAH I HOMESTEAD I MIAMI I NORTH MIAMI BEACH I SOUTH BEACH Program availability varies by campus

COURSES START EVERY MONDAY • CREATE YOUR OWN SCHEDULE

167Restaurants/Hotels/Clubs

BARMAIDS - cooks, servers, for ethnic french canadian restaurant. must understand, speak and write french. Experience a must. Must be knowledgeable about French Canadian cuisine, language and customs. call Manon 954-249-5071 M-F 9am to 5pm

BECOME A BARTENDER! Up to $300 a day. No exp.necessary. Training Course Available. 1-800-965-6520 x 203.

HOSPITALITY POSITIONSHospitality industry opening at

Lodge in S.FL. • Night Attendant AD

The most important qualities for the positions are:

honest, hard working and dependable individuals with

clean track record. References are a must.

CALL 305-439-5693

RESTAURANT POSITIONS

Monty'sNOW HIRING

EXPERIENCED & QUALIFIED

SERVERSMust be able to work

Night Shift F/T APPLY IN PERSON:

MON - FRI 2pm - 4pm2550 South Bayshore Drive

VALET

VALET ATTENDANT &FRONT DOOR PERSON

For prestigious building in Miami Beach. Experienced. Work weekends. Apply in

person. M-F from 8am-4pmat: 5500 Collins Avenue Miami Beach, FL. 33140

172Sales

SALES ASSOCIATE -Busy Relocating Moving & Storage Company seeking sales associates for inside position Base + Comm954-924-1522 Hollywood

TELEMARKETER Appt Setters must have strong Cust Service/ sales bkground along with high energy personality. Flex Hrs: M-F Intl Mall area, Base+comm. Call 786-517-9583 and leave your best pitch!

177Salons

HAIRDRESSER & NAIL TECHS-We need positive, upbeat, team oriented. We have loyal, local clients waiting. Miami Shores GG Salon & Spa 305-759-9710

185Miscellaneous

ASTROLOGERS/PSYCHICS Tarot card readers, Part/Full time, $12-$36/hr. Span- ish/English. 954-524-9029

CAREER TRAINING

Azure CollegeSchool of Nursing 1-1-1 Plan

LPN in 1 YearLPN to RN in 1 YearRN to BSN in 1 Year

3 Nursing Diplomas | 3 Nursing Licenses | in 3 years

Approved by the Florida Board of Nursing

(305) 707-5777www.azure.edu

CAREER TRAINING

Get glamourous career in beauty!

BEAUTY SCHOOLS of AMERICA

4 Locations to serve you.

Hialeah - 1060 W 49 StMiami - 1176 SE 67 Ave

NoMiami Beach-1813 NE 163 StHomestead - 600 NE 22 Tr

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merica.com

CAREER/TRAINING

Bachelor Degree in Business Administration &

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We specialize in:- International Business -

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CBT COLLEGEEnrolling Now!

1-866-391-0546Visit us

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BARTENDING SCHOOL

LEARN TO BARTEND

Become a bartender! No school has placed more

students in jobs in So Florida than us!

ABC Bartending Schools Call 305-267-1446

THE OCEAN Corp. 10840 Rockley Road, Houston, Texas 77099. Train for a new career. *Under- water Welder. Commercial Div- er. *NDT/Weld Inspector. Job Placement Assistance. Financial Aid avail for those who qualify 1.800.321.0298

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www.ATIFlorida.us

CAREER EDUCATION

888.315.9065

Contact ATI for a complete list of programs.

ATI Career Training Center – Miami, Florida is a branch location of the Oakland Park, Florida campus. ATI Career TrainingCenter – College of Health is a satellite location of the Oakland Park campus. *NASM Approved Provider.

For disclosure information regarding any ATI program, visit the above URL.

• Healthcare• Wellness• Skilled Trades

A Great CareerStarts with a Phone Call!

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Starts with a Phone Call!

Contact ATI for a complete list of programs.

• Healthcare• Wellness• Skilled Trades

Starts with a Phone Call!Starts with a Phone Call!

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▼ Graduate Employment Assistance▼ Flexible Schedules

Locations in Miami /Fort Lauderdale / Oakland Park

Programs vary by location.HS Diploma/GED is required.

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17 MONTHS*

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Respiratory TherapyTAKE YOUR HEALTHCARE TRAINING SERIOUSLY. WE DO.

Financial Aid available to those who qualify. Approved for Veterans Training. Accredited Member, ACCSC.

Get the training you need for a career in the growing healthcare industry from a school that offers 100% healthcare training. • Medical Office Administration—NEW! • Occupational Therapy Assistant—(AS)• Respiratory Therapy—(AS) • Pharmacy Technician • Patient Care Technician• Surgical Technologist• Nursing—(AS)• Dental Assistant • Medical Assistant

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• Respiratory Therapy—(AS)• Respiratory Therapy—(AS)• Respiratory Therapy—(AS)• Respiratory Therapy—(AS)• Respiratory Therapy—(AS)

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Florida state median annual

salary for a RESPIRATORY

THERAPIST is $50,190!†

CALL FOR A FREE CAREER DVD!

†Bureau of Labor Statistics, Occupational Employment and Wage Estimates †Bureau of Labor Statistics, Occupational Employment and Wage Estimates (State Cross-Industry Estimates), May 2010. *Program lengths vary. (State Cross-Industry Estimates), May 2010. *Program lengths vary.

For more information about our graduation rates, the median debt of students who more information about our graduation rates, the median debt of students who For more information about our graduation rates, the median debt of students who Forcompleted the program, and other important information, please visit our website at completed the program, and other important information, please visit our website at

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