Download - Breakup Recovery Kit The only way out is through – Robert Frost

Althoughthearrangementofthisinformationismyown,theknowledgehasbeengatheredfrommanysources,includingmyclients.Feelfreetodistributethisdocumentfreely.Copyright©2017ChristinaBell,R.Psych Lastupdate:March6,2017

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BreakupRecoveryKitWhenyou'redreamingwithabrokenheartThewakingupisthehardestpartYourollouttabedanddownonyourkneesAndforamomentyoucanhardlybreathe…JohnMayer–DreamingWithaBrokenHeartBreakupsareoneofthemostdifficultexperiencesinlife.Forsomepeople,breakupsareassociatedwithelevatedriskofdepressionandlong-termpsychologicaldistress.Istillremembermyfirstmajorheartbreak.ItwasmyfirstyearofUniversity.Iwokeupasifnothinghadchanged,onlytobehitwiththepainfulrealitythatwewerenolongertogether.Itfeltlikeakicktothestomach.ThroughoutthedayIwasconstantlyremindedofmyex,preoccupiedwithwhathewasdoing,andifhewasthinkingofme(thankfullythiswasbeforeFacebookexisted!).ImadesenseofthebreakupbybelievingthatIwastooneedyandhadlostmyonlychanceatlove.Ittookmeawhiletofeellikemyselfagain.ThereisaBuddhistsayingthat“painininevitable;sufferingisoptional.”Manyofuswanttoavoidthepainofthelossthroughdistractionordatingagain.Ratherthantrytonumboravoidthepain,Ibelievethatbreakupsareanopportunityforgrowthandhealing.Myhopeisthatyoucangothroughthisuniversalhumanexperiencewithlesssuffering,whilealsolearningfromyourpain.Thiskitismeanttoprovidesupportforthefirstfewmonthsafterabreakup.

Theonlywayoutisthrough–RobertFrost


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BreakupRoadmap1

1.Acceptingtherealityoftheloss

o ImpactoftheBreakuphandout

o FrequentlyAskedQuestions

o Self-CareCopingPlano Spendingtimewithlovedones

o SeeAdditionalResources

2.Workingthroughthepainofthebreakup

o CognitiveTherapyForBreakupshandout

o WhoAmINow?handout

o RelationshipAutopsyhandout

o Engageinregularjournaling

3.Re-investingenergyinotherpursuitsandrelationships

o Continuetoinvestinyoursociallifeandotherleisureactivities

o Continuetoworkonpersonalissues

o Considerdatingagain1ThischartisadaptedfromWilliamWorden’sFourTasksofGrieving.


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WhyBreakupsAreSoDifficultAttachmentThedesiretoconnectwithothersisoneofthedeepesthumanmotivations.Evolutionarypsychologistsbelievethatbondinghashelpedustosurviveharshconditionsbylivinginsmall,interconnectedgroups.Developingclosebondswithcaregiversisessentialtoachild’semotionalandphysicaldevelopment.Infact,babieswhoaredeprivedofhumantouchcanbecomesickandcognitivelydelayed,asfoundinRomanianorphanages.Whenchildrenareseparatedfromacaregiver,theysendoutsignalstokeeptheirlovedonesclose.Theymaycry,becomeangry(protestbehaviour),oranxious(separationanxiety).Iftheseparationpersists,childrenmoveintodespair,andeventuallydetachment.Anotherwaytodescribetheexperienceofbeingseparatedfromacaregiveriscalledprimalpanic.Fromanevolutionaryperspective,beingseparatedfromyourcaregivercouldmeanisolationanddeath,soitmakessensethatthismechanismwouldbestrongenoughtohopefullyleadtoestablishingreconnection.Asadults,manyofustransferourattachmentneedsontoaromanticpartner.Thismeansthatwhentheyarenotavailable,wemightsendsomeofthesameattachmentsignalsaschildren.Forexample,ifyourpartnerdoesnotpickuptheirphone,youmaybecomeangry,engaginginprotestbehaviour.Ifyourrelationshipends,youmaygointoastateofprimalpanicwhereyouexperienceintenseanxiety,intenseimpulsestore-establishcontact,andadisruptionofyourbody’sstresshormones.Thatmightbewhythepainofrejectionissointenseandsimilartophysicalpain.Theintensityofourreactiontoabreakupisalsoinfluencedbythequalityofourearlyrelationshipswithcaregivers.Ifwehavehadahistoryofourneedsnotbeingmetbycaregivers,thebreakupcantriggerintenseemotionalpainrelatedtoourearlyattachmentexperiences.Thesearecalledattachmentinjuries.Insummary,breakupshurtsomuchisbecausetheytriggerevolutionaryprocessesthatweredesignedtohelpusmaintainproximitytocaregivers.Althoughyoumightfeellikethedespairandpanicyoufeelmeansthatthereissomethingwrongwithyou,thesereactionsarenaturalwithintheframeworkofattachment.Thisphasetypicallypasseswithinafewweeks.


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ChangesinSelfConceptEarlyinarelationship,it’snaturaltoimmerseyourselfintheinterestsandidentityofyournewpartner.Whenyourrelationshipends,it’salsonaturaltofeelatemporarylossofyoursenseofself(Lewandowski,Aron,Bassis,&Kunak,2006;Slotter,Gardner,&Finkel2010).Whenresearchersaskedparticipantstodescribewhotheywereafterabreakup,theyusedfeweruniquewordstodescribethemselves(Lewandowskietal.,2006).Whilerelationshipscanleadtoagreatersenseofself,breakupscanleadtoasmallersenseofself.Anotherchangethathappensisthattherecreationalactivities,friends,andotherritualscanalsobelostwitharelationship(calledself-conceptcontentchange).Themoreyourday-to-daylifeischangedasaresultofthebreakup,themorechallengingitcanbetogrievethelossoftherelationshipbecauseyourlivesaresointertwined.Forexample,ifyouandyourpartnerworkedouttogetheratthesamegym,wentfordrinksonFridayswiththesamefriends,thebreakupisnaturallygoingtobemoredisruptivetoyourroutine.Althoughit’snaturaltogothroughaphaseofdisruptionofyouidentity,somethingscanmakeitmorecomplicated.Thelessclearyouridentitywasbefore,themoreitmaybedisruptedbyabreakup(calledself-conceptclarity).Inonestudy,higherdisruptionofaspectsofyourlifecombinedwithlowerlevelsofself-identity,predictedhigherlevelsofemotionaldistressafterabreakup.Whatthisallmeansisthatit’snormaltobeconfusedaboutwhoyouareafterabreakup.Inthiskit,wehaveanexercisecalledWhoAmI?thatisintendedtohelpyoubeginthejourneytowarddefiningyourselfagain.


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MemoryWithanysignificantrelationship,theinteractionswehavearestoredintotwomemorysystemscalledimplicitandexplicitmemory.Implicitmemoryisanunconscioustypeofmemorythatdevelopsjustbeforebirth.Itincludesnonverbal,sensory,emotional,andmotormemory.Between12-18months,explicitmemorydevelop,whichenableustobeabletorememberfacts,timelines,andstories.Aswedevelop,wecontinuetoencodeimplicitandexplicitmemoriestogether.Sowhatdoimplicitandexplicitmemoryhavetodowithbreakups?Thememorieswehaveencodedduringtherelationshipareoftenbroughtupthroughreminders,whichcanleadtonegativeemotions.Thesearecalledtriggers.Let’ssayyou’rewalkingdownthestreetafteryourbreakupandyousmellyourex’sfragrance.Youbecomefloodedwithmemoriesofyourtimetogether,andawaveofsadnesspassesoveryou.Chancesare,youareprobablyrecallinganimplicitmemory(theemotionsyoufeltwhilearoundyourex),aswellasanexplicitmemory(rememberingtheconcertyouwenttowhentheyworethatfragrance).It’simportanttounderstandthatemotionaltriggersarenaturalexperiencesduringabreakup.It’syourbody’swayofremindingyouofsomethingsignificantthatyouaremissing.Wecan’tcontrolmanytriggers,butrecognizingthemandbeingkindtoourselveswhentheyhappencangoalongway.Thetriggersbecomelessintenseforpeople,ortheymightevenbeassociatedwithfondmemoriesofthetimeyouhad.


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ImpactoftheBreakup

Intimesofcrisis,itishelpfultomakesenseofyourexperience.Researchershavefoundthatputtingemotionsintowordsactuallyhasacalmingeffectonthebrain.Forthisexercise,pleaseselectthesymptomsthatyouhavebeenexperiencinginthepastfewweeks.

PhysicalSymptoms

EmotionalReactions

Thoughts

Behaviours

o Difficultysleeping

o Digestiveproblems

o Muscletension

o Racinghearto Drythroato Nauseao Cold/fluo Shallowbreathing

o Restlessnesso Fatigueo Increasedenergy

o Confusiono Rageo Irritabilityo Sadnesso Depressiono Hopelessnesso Numbnesso Longingo Panico Self-doubto Uncertaintyo Righteousindignation

o Obsessivethoughts

o Racingthoughts

o Sexualfantasies

o Analyzingconversations

o Analyzingex’sactions

o Self-blameo Blamingotherso Wantingrevenge

o Difficultyconcentrating

o Checkingsocialmedia

o Makingselfavailabletoex

o Checkingphoneformessages

o Askingforadvice

o Isolationo Constantlybusyness

o Eatingtoomuch/toolittle

o Lossofroutine


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WhenProfessionalHelpIsNeededFormostpeople,thesesymptomsarenaturalreactionsthatfadeovertime.Forsomepeople,thesereactionscanpersistandcausedifficultwithfunctioning.Herearesomesignswhenit’srecommendedtoseekprofessionalsupport:o Formulatingaplanforsuicide–youmightnotbeabletoseeyourlifewithoutthisperson,butifyouareseriouslyconsideringendingyourlife,contactprofessionalsupportimmediately(e.g.,psychologist,doctor)

o Planningtohurtothers–it’snormaltobeangryatyourex,butifyouareseriouslyplanningtoharmthemoranyoneelse,contactprofessionalsupportimmediately(e.g.,psychologist,doctor)

o Ifyoursymptomshaveworsenedornotimprovedwithin4-6weeks

o Ifthebreakupinvolvedinfidelity,manipulation,orabuseo Ifyourexhasmadethreatstoharmyouo Youareturningtodestructivecopingstrategies(e.g.,drugoralcoholuse)


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FrequentlyAskedQuestions1.ShouldIhavecontactwithmyexafterwebreakup?Therearenoeasyanswershere,buthereareafewpointstoconsider:Overall,researchershavefoundthatcontactwithanexisassociatedwithpoorerpostbreakupfunctioning,prolongeddistress,andprolongedlongingforthepartner(Fieldetal.,2009;Knoxetal.,2000).Withsocialmedia,approximatelyonethirdtoonehalfofpeopleadmittolookingthroughtheirpartner’sFacebookprofileorpicturesaftertheyhavebrokenup,withmanykeepingregulartabsontheirpartner(Chalk&Jones,2011;Lyndon,Bonds-Raacke,&Cratty,2011).Overall,Facebooksurveillancewasassociatedwithgreaterbreakupdistress,negativefeelings,sexualdesire,longingforthepartner,andlowerpersonalgrowth.Thisoccurredwhentheexeswerenotfriends(Marshall,2012).Ontheotherhand,whenpeopleremainedfriendswiththeirexesoverFacebook,theyreportedlowernegativefeelings,sexualdesire,andlongingfortheirpartner,butalsolowerpersonalgrowth(Marshall,2012).Thiscouldmeanthattheexposuretotheirexmayhavehadahabituatingeffect,loweringtheirmystiqueandunavailability.Anotherexplanationcouldbethatthenaturebreakupwasamicable,leadingtolowernegativeemotion.Mygeneralrecommendationistograduallydecreasecontactinordertomaketheprocessofwithdrawalfromyourexalittleeasier.Therationaleforgradualwithdrawingofcontactisbecausethismaylessenthestateofprimalpanic(theoverwhelmingsenseofanxietyandlongingtoconnectwithourex).Ifwedonothavesomesortofwaytoconnectwithourex,thisexperiencecanbeoverwhelmingandre-traumatizingforsome.Anexceptiontogradualdisengagementfromyourexisiftheyhavebeenabusiveoremotionallymanipulative.Inthiscase,itisrecommendedtocutoffcontactinordertodisengagefromtheabusivecycleandallowyourselftoheal.


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Ifit’snotappropriatetohavecontactwithyourexbutyouarestillstruggling,oneoptionistomaintainsomesortofconnectionwithyourexinawaythatisnotintrudingontheirboundaries.Thismaymeanlookingatpicturesofthem,orreadingemailsorletterstheyhavewritten.Thismayhelpyoutomakesenseofthelossandengageinthegrievingprocess.Overall,ifseeingyourexiscausingyouconfusionanddelayedhealing,youmightwanttoconsiderendingcontactentirely.Youwillexperiencealotofemotionalpaininitially,butyouwilleventuallystarttofeelbetter.Ifhavingsomecontactwithyourexisabletohelpyoutoeventuallygrievethelossandmoveon,thenthisoptionmayworkforyou.Onethingtoconsiderifthatifyouremainfriends,howwillyoufeelaboutdatingorseeingyourexwithsomeone?It’simportanttoaskyourselfifyourfriendshiporcontactmightbeprolongingyourgrieformakingitdifficulttomoveon.Whataboutcontactwithmyex’sfamily?Therearenoabsoluteshere,butaskyourself:Whatisyourintentioninkeepingconnectedtoyourex’sfamily?Ifit’sbecausetheyareanintegralpartofyourlife,itisunderstandablethatyouwouldwanttokeepcontact.Ifyourintentionistotrytogetinformationaboutyourexortrytoinfluenceyourex’sfamilyregardingthebreakup,thismightjustcausefurtherpainforeveryone.Keepinmindthattherearemanyadditionallossesthatoccurwithabreakup,andyourex’sfamilycanbeanotherdifficultlosstogrieve.Theysaidtheyneedsometime.HowlongshouldIwait?Somepeoplewhoinitiateabreakupsaytheyneedtimeinordertoeasethefinalityofthebreakup.Icanunderstandthatyourexneedingmoretimecanbeasignofhopeinthemidstofuncertainty.However,Iwouldrecommendadoptingthemindsetthatthebreakupispermanent,andbeginmovingon.Ifyouhappentogetbacktogetherinthefuture,youmaybecomingfromahealthyplacebecauseyouhavebeentakingcareofyourneeds.


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WhenshouldIstartdatingnewpeople?Iusuallyrecommendtakinga6-12monthbreakfromrelationshipstoworkonyourselfandtheissuesthatcontributedtothebreakup.Ifyoudatebeforeyouareready,thereisachancethatyoumaybringpastresentmentintoyourcurrentrelationship,orchooseapersonthatreplicatessimilarunhealthydynamics.Thatbeingsaid,I’vehadclientsgetbackonthedatinghorserightafteraanurgencytostartdatingtomakeupforlosttime,butIhaveworkedwithmanyclientswhohavemetamazingpartnerslaterinlife.HowdoIhandlethingsifIrunintomyex?Thisoneistough.It’stemptingtobragabouthowamazingyourlifeis,ormaybetellthemhowmuchthey’vehurtyou.Iwouldkeepitrespectful,kind,andshort.Findareasontoexitthesituationifyoudon’thaveone.Becarefulaboutgettingdrawnbackintounhealthydynamicsorromanticizingtherelationship(e.g.,“whydidwebreakupanyway?”).AsRonBurgundysaysonAnchorman,“Youstayclassy,SanDiego.”Whatifwesharepets?Thisisacomplicatedone,especiallysincepetsbecomemembersofthefamily.IrecentlyreadaCBCarticlewhereaSaskatchewanjudgestatedthatdogcustodyissueswereawasteofcourtresources.Ifyoutakeananimalcustodyissuetocourt,thereisachancethatthejudgemayrecommendthatyouranimalbesoldandtheprofitsbesplitbetweenyou.Idon’thaveanysimpleanswers,otherthantotrytofindareasonablearrangement.Ifyouhavedifficultyseeingyourex,canyourspousedropyourdogoffatanotherperson’shome?Somepeoplehavetomakeadifficultdecisiontolettheirpetsgoifitistoostressfulonthem.Youmightalsowanttoconsidertryingtouseaprofessionalmeditatortohelpyoufindasolution.


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WillIevergetoverthisbreakup?Yes!Humanshavetheincredibleabilitytoadapttonegativelifeevents(researcherscallthepsychologicalimmunesystem).Eastwick(2007)foundinthatcollegestudentsover-predictedthenegativeemotionstheywouldexperienceaftergoingthroughabreakup.Theinaccuratepredictionofone’semotionalstateinthefuture(calledanaffectiveforecastingerror),isinfluencedbyouremotionalstateatthetimeofthebadnews(calledtheinitialintensitybias).However,it’sinterestingtonotethattheparticipantsinthestudywereaccurateatguessinghowlongitwouldtakethenegativeeventtodissipate.Overall,wetendtooverestimatethenegativeimpactthatabreakupisgoingtohave,butarefairlyaccurateinpredictingthetimeittakestogetoverit.Otherfactorsthatcanmakebreakupsmoredifficult:

o Pastexperiencesorbetrayalo Unreciprocatedloveo Attributingthebreakuptopersonaldeficienciesthatarefixedandstable

o Alackofself-identityo Insecureattachmento Highinvestmentintherelationship

Here’swhatcanhelptorecoverfromabreakup:

o Ifwebelievethatwecandeveloptheskillsandabilitiestocopewithandlearnfromadversity,thisseemstoleadtobetteroutcomes(CarolDwerkcallsagrowthmindset).Thepositivechangesexperiencedbyadversityhavebeencalledposttraumaticgrowth

o Ourabilitytobedevelopself-compassionalsoinfluenceshowwecopewithabreakup.Self-compassioncaninclude:seeingyourproblemsaspartoftheuniversalexperience,practicingbeinginthemoment(mindfulness),andmakingmeaningoutofyoursituation.


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Self-CareCopingPlan2Type Recommendations Goals(weekly)

Sleep o 7-9hourspernight

o Consistentroutine,evenonweekends

o Noelectronics1-2hoursbeforebed

Eating o Eatingrealfoodso Avoidsugar,caffeine,andalcohol

Exercise o 30minutes,3xperweek(minimum)

Socializing o Connectwithonepersonperday

o Scheduleatleastoneoutingperweek

o Timewithnatureandanimals

Boundaries o Limitcontactwithexo Avoidsocialmedia

Other: o Avoidmakingmajordecisions

2Thisplanisbasedonbehaviouralactivation,aevidence-basedtreatmentfordepressionthatfocusesonchangingyourbehavioursbyschedulingactivities.Typicallythefirst4-6weeksarethehardestformostpeople.


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ProgressReviewforweek:____________________________________Successes:Challenges:Learning:Nextsteps:


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CognitiveTherapyforBreakupsCognitivetherapyisapopularformofpsychologicaltreatmentbasedontheideathatourthoughtsinfluenceourmoodandbehaviours.Manyofourthoughtsnegativelybiased,creatingerrorsinthinkingerrors(calledcognitivedistortions).Whenwebelievethesethoughterrors,wetendtofeelmoredepressedandactinwaysthatdon’tsupporthealthydevelopment.Thegoodnewsisthatwecanbecomeawareofourcognitivedistortions,tocreatemoreaccurateandrealisticwaysofthinking.Beneathournegativethinkingpatterns,thereusuallyarenegativecorebeliefsaboutourselves,theworld,andourfuture(calledBeck’scognitivetriad).Forexample,underneaththethought“Noonewilleverloveme”isacorebeliefthatyouarenotworthy.Theoverallgoalofcognitivetherapyistoadjustourthoughtssothattheyaremorebalancedandseetheworldinamoreaccurateway.Withbreakups,CarolDweckfoundthatthehurtfromrejectioncanlingerifpeopleseethebreakupasrevealingsomethingfundamentalaboutwhotheyareasaperson.Whentheseparticipantsviewedtheirpersonalityassomethingthatisfixedandcannotbechanged,thisledtogreaterstrugglesdowntheroadingettingoverthebreakup.Inthisexercise,we’regoingtoexploresomeofthecommonnegativethoughtsthatoccurduringbreakups.Thelefthandcolumnrepresentsthetypeofnegativethinkingerror(cognitivedistortion),themiddlecolumnrepresentstheunhealthythinkingpattern(automaticthoughts),andtherightcolumnrepresentshealthierthoughts.Selecttheunhealthythoughtsyouhaveexperiencedsincethebreakup,thentrypracticingsomeofthehealthythoughtsontherighthandside.Itcantaketimeandpracticewithdifferentwaysofthinkingbeforeitbecomesahabit.


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CognitiveDistortions

UnhealthyThought

HealthyThought

1.Blackandwhitethinking

o MylifewasamazingwhenIwasinarelationship

o There’ssomethingdeeplywrongwithme

o LifehaschallengeswhetherI’msingleorinarelationshipo IhavestrengthsandlimitationsbutIcangrow

2.Overgeneralization

o Nothingeverworksoutforme

o Rejectionisapartoflifeandforeveryone

3.Jumpingtoconclusions:1.Fortunetelling2.Mindreading

o I’llneverfind

anyoneagaino Onedaytheywill

comebacko Theynevercared

aboutmeo Iftheyonly

understoodmysidetheywouldcomeback

o Manypeoplefindrelationshipslaterinlife

o Ican’tputmylifeonholdanymore

o Theemotionswesharedwererealbutthingshavechanged

o It’spainfultoacceptthisbutIneedtomoveon


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4.Magnification

Minimization

o Thisistheworstthingthatcouldhappentome

o Ourproblemsweren’tthatbad

o ThishasbeenhardbutIknowI’llbeokay

o IfI’mhonest,thereweremajorissues

5.Emotionalreasoning

o Ifeellikealoser

o Everyone’segotakesahitinabreakupbutthislossdoesn’tdefineme

6.Shouldstatements

o Ishouldhaveseenitcoming

o Ishouldhavedonesomethingdifferent

o Hindsightis20/20

o Ihavelearnedalotaboutmyselfforthenextrelationship

7.Labeling

o Iamugly/defective/old

o TherearethingsIcanchangeifIworkonthem,butit’snothelpfultoputmyselfdown

8.Blame1.Self2.Other

o It’sallmyfault

o It’salltheirfault

o Icanonlytake

responsibilityformypart

o Twoqualitypeoplecan

beinarelationship,anditstillsometimesdoesn’tworkout


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WhoAmI?Self-ConceptClarityExerciseAspreviouslymentioned,whenpeoplegothroughabreakuptheytemporarilyexperienceadisruptiontotheiridentity.However,LarsonandSbarrafoundthatsimplytalkingaboutthebreakupregularlydecreasedbreakuprelatedintrusivethoughtsandlonelinessoveranine-weekperiod.Thepurposeofthisexerciseismeantohelpyoustarttodevelopasenseofselfwithoutyourpartner.Pleaseanswerthefollowingquestions,usingtheroomprovidedorwritetheminajournalorworddocument.1.HowwelldoIknowmyself?2.WhatthingsdidIliketodowithmytimebeforeImetmypartner?3.Howwouldmyfriendsdescribemypersonality?


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4.HowwouldIdescribemypersonality?5.InwhatwaysamIdifferentthanmyex?6.WhoamIwithoutmypartner?


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RelationshipAutopsy(ExpressiveWritingExercise)Humansarenaturalstorytellers.It’showwemakesenseofourworldandourselves.Tellingstoriesalsohasanadaptivefunctionbecauseitlinksmemory,thought,andemotion(Siegel,2012).JamesW.Pennebakerhasconductedanumberofstudieswithexpressivewritingandfoundthatithasbeenbeneficialforoverallemotionalhealth.Ifwecanprocessourlifeexperiencesandunderstandwhatwecanlearnfromthem,todeveloppurposeandmeaning.Thistypeofreflectionalsohelpsustoavoidfuturemistakes.Lewandowskifoundthatparticipantswhowroteaboutthebreakupreportedexperiencingmorepositiveemotionsandlessnegativeemotions.Pleaseanswerthefollowingquestions,usingtheroomprovidedorwritetheminajournalorworddocument.Part1:Understanding1.Whatfactorsledtothisrelationshipending?


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2.Describethebreakupevent.Howdidithappen?3.Howhaveyoubeenfeeling?4.Whatisthehardestpartofthisbreakup?5.Whatthoughtsareyouthinkingrepeatedly?


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6.Whatunresolvedquestionswouldyoulikeanswersto?7.Whatdoyouneedrightnow?Part2:LessonsLearned1.Whatweresomeofthenegativeaspectsofyourrelationship?2.Whatweresomeofthepositiveaspectsofyourrelationship?


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3.Whatneedswerenotmetinyourrelationship?4.Whatpartsofthisrelationshipcanyoutakeresponsibilityfor?5.Whatthingswouldyoudodifferentlyforthenextrelationship?(e.g.,workless,belesscriticalofmypartner)6.Howdoyouthinkthisrelationshiphaschangedyouforthebetter?7.Whatdoyouwantyournextrelationshiptobelike?8.Whatdoyouneedtocontinuetogrowpersonally?


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StoriesofHopeDan,aged50,attendedcounsellingafterhiswifehadanaffairandendedtheirmarriageabruptly.Hewasangryandheartbroken,andtomakemattersworse,sheblamedhimforheraffair.DanielandIworkedondevelopingagoodself-careplan,whichincludedkeepinguphisexerciseroutineandspendingtimewithhisadultchildren.Thenwehelpedhimtoprocesshisgriefandunderstandthepartsofhisrelationshipthatwerenotworking.Weexploredcharacteristicsofhealthyrelationshipsandwhathewantedatthispointinhislife.ThelasttimeIspoketoDan,hewashappilydatingalovelywoman.Hestillfeltangertowardhisexfromtime-to-time,butittypicallypassedquickly.Jennifer,aged25,attendedcounsellingtocopewiththebreakupofheron-again,off-againboyfriend,Trevor.Shecouldn’tunderstandwhyshestillkeptgoingbacktoTrevor,afterherepeatedlycheatedonherandwascriticalofhercareer.Jenniferlearnedthatherreactiontoherboyfriendmirroredherrelationshipwithherfather,whomhadabandonedtheirfamily.Thisknowledgeabouttheinfluenceofherearlyrelationshipsonherpresentrelationshiphelpedhertoshedtheshameandself-blamethatshehadcarriedforyears.Wethenworkedtohelpherresistherex’sattemptstopullherbackintotherelationship,whilerestoringherself-worth.Jenniferendedupdatingaverykindmanandlearnedthatlovedoesn’thavetohurttofeelgood.Jason,aged32,recentlywentthroughabreakupanddidn’tseeitcoming.Hefoundhimselfdesperatelywantingtomaintaincontactwithhisex.Tomakemattersworse,theyjusthadrecentlypurchasedahouseandboughtadog.Jasonwentthroughaboutsixweeksofintensegrief,wherehefeltalotofemotionalpain.Hetriedtomakesenseofthebreakup,eventhoughthereweremanyunansweredquestions.Hegraduallybegantosethealthyboundarieswithcontactsohecouldstarttomoveon.Duringthistime,Jasonbeganreadingaboutadultattachmentandhealthyrelationships,andstarteddatingagain.Heboughthisowncondoandhadfunfurnishingitonhisown.Jasondecidedthatinhispastrelationship,hehadjumpedintothingstooquickly,andwasgoingtotaketimetogettoknowhisnextpartnerbeforecommittingtomovingintogether.LastIhadspokenwithJason,hewasdatingalovelyyoungwomanandwasenjoyinghiscondo.Iamsosorrythatyouareinpainrightnow,butpleaserememberthatyouarenotalone.Breakupsaredifficultbuttheycanbeopportunitiestodeepenourconnectiontoourselvesandothers.Iwishyouallthebestinyourjourney,Christina


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AdditionalResources

WebsitesandBlogs

o AlanaMbanao KatieBogeno JRHugheso Gettingoverabreakup(HuffingtonPost)

Apps

o Mend–a“personaltrainerforheartbreak”programVideos

o Visitmywebsiteforalistofvideosonbreakupso AlanRobarge

Books(someareavailableinanereaderoraudioformat)

o Rebuilding–BruceFisher+RobertAlberti

o TheJourneyfromAbandonmenttoHealing–SusanAnderson

o RisingStrong–BreneBrown

o Splitopia–WendyParis

o Attached–AmirLevine+RachelHeller

o OpeningUpByWritingItDown–JamesW.Pennebaker+Joshua

Smyth