Breakup Recovery Kit The only way out is through – Robert Frost
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Transcript of Breakup Recovery Kit The only way out is through – Robert Frost
Althoughthearrangementofthisinformationismyown,theknowledgehasbeengatheredfrommanysources,includingmyclients.Feelfreetodistributethisdocumentfreely.Copyright©2017ChristinaBell,R.Psych Lastupdate:March6,2017
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BreakupRecoveryKitWhenyou'redreamingwithabrokenheartThewakingupisthehardestpartYourollouttabedanddownonyourkneesAndforamomentyoucanhardlybreathe…JohnMayer–DreamingWithaBrokenHeartBreakupsareoneofthemostdifficultexperiencesinlife.Forsomepeople,breakupsareassociatedwithelevatedriskofdepressionandlong-termpsychologicaldistress.Istillremembermyfirstmajorheartbreak.ItwasmyfirstyearofUniversity.Iwokeupasifnothinghadchanged,onlytobehitwiththepainfulrealitythatwewerenolongertogether.Itfeltlikeakicktothestomach.ThroughoutthedayIwasconstantlyremindedofmyex,preoccupiedwithwhathewasdoing,andifhewasthinkingofme(thankfullythiswasbeforeFacebookexisted!).ImadesenseofthebreakupbybelievingthatIwastooneedyandhadlostmyonlychanceatlove.Ittookmeawhiletofeellikemyselfagain.ThereisaBuddhistsayingthat“painininevitable;sufferingisoptional.”Manyofuswanttoavoidthepainofthelossthroughdistractionordatingagain.Ratherthantrytonumboravoidthepain,Ibelievethatbreakupsareanopportunityforgrowthandhealing.Myhopeisthatyoucangothroughthisuniversalhumanexperiencewithlesssuffering,whilealsolearningfromyourpain.Thiskitismeanttoprovidesupportforthefirstfewmonthsafterabreakup.
Theonlywayoutisthrough–RobertFrost
Althoughthearrangementofthisinformationismyown,theknowledgehasbeengatheredfrommanysources,includingmyclients.Feelfreetodistributethisdocumentfreely.Copyright©2017ChristinaBell,R.Psych Lastupdate:March6,2017
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BreakupRoadmap1
1.Acceptingtherealityoftheloss
o ImpactoftheBreakuphandout
o FrequentlyAskedQuestions
o Self-CareCopingPlano Spendingtimewithlovedones
o SeeAdditionalResources
2.Workingthroughthepainofthebreakup
o CognitiveTherapyForBreakupshandout
o WhoAmINow?handout
o RelationshipAutopsyhandout
o Engageinregularjournaling
3.Re-investingenergyinotherpursuitsandrelationships
o Continuetoinvestinyoursociallifeandotherleisureactivities
o Continuetoworkonpersonalissues
o Considerdatingagain1ThischartisadaptedfromWilliamWorden’sFourTasksofGrieving.
Althoughthearrangementofthisinformationismyown,theknowledgehasbeengatheredfrommanysources,includingmyclients.Feelfreetodistributethisdocumentfreely.Copyright©2017ChristinaBell,R.Psych Lastupdate:March6,2017
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WhyBreakupsAreSoDifficultAttachmentThedesiretoconnectwithothersisoneofthedeepesthumanmotivations.Evolutionarypsychologistsbelievethatbondinghashelpedustosurviveharshconditionsbylivinginsmall,interconnectedgroups.Developingclosebondswithcaregiversisessentialtoachild’semotionalandphysicaldevelopment.Infact,babieswhoaredeprivedofhumantouchcanbecomesickandcognitivelydelayed,asfoundinRomanianorphanages.Whenchildrenareseparatedfromacaregiver,theysendoutsignalstokeeptheirlovedonesclose.Theymaycry,becomeangry(protestbehaviour),oranxious(separationanxiety).Iftheseparationpersists,childrenmoveintodespair,andeventuallydetachment.Anotherwaytodescribetheexperienceofbeingseparatedfromacaregiveriscalledprimalpanic.Fromanevolutionaryperspective,beingseparatedfromyourcaregivercouldmeanisolationanddeath,soitmakessensethatthismechanismwouldbestrongenoughtohopefullyleadtoestablishingreconnection.Asadults,manyofustransferourattachmentneedsontoaromanticpartner.Thismeansthatwhentheyarenotavailable,wemightsendsomeofthesameattachmentsignalsaschildren.Forexample,ifyourpartnerdoesnotpickuptheirphone,youmaybecomeangry,engaginginprotestbehaviour.Ifyourrelationshipends,youmaygointoastateofprimalpanicwhereyouexperienceintenseanxiety,intenseimpulsestore-establishcontact,andadisruptionofyourbody’sstresshormones.Thatmightbewhythepainofrejectionissointenseandsimilartophysicalpain.Theintensityofourreactiontoabreakupisalsoinfluencedbythequalityofourearlyrelationshipswithcaregivers.Ifwehavehadahistoryofourneedsnotbeingmetbycaregivers,thebreakupcantriggerintenseemotionalpainrelatedtoourearlyattachmentexperiences.Thesearecalledattachmentinjuries.Insummary,breakupshurtsomuchisbecausetheytriggerevolutionaryprocessesthatweredesignedtohelpusmaintainproximitytocaregivers.Althoughyoumightfeellikethedespairandpanicyoufeelmeansthatthereissomethingwrongwithyou,thesereactionsarenaturalwithintheframeworkofattachment.Thisphasetypicallypasseswithinafewweeks.
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ChangesinSelfConceptEarlyinarelationship,it’snaturaltoimmerseyourselfintheinterestsandidentityofyournewpartner.Whenyourrelationshipends,it’salsonaturaltofeelatemporarylossofyoursenseofself(Lewandowski,Aron,Bassis,&Kunak,2006;Slotter,Gardner,&Finkel2010).Whenresearchersaskedparticipantstodescribewhotheywereafterabreakup,theyusedfeweruniquewordstodescribethemselves(Lewandowskietal.,2006).Whilerelationshipscanleadtoagreatersenseofself,breakupscanleadtoasmallersenseofself.Anotherchangethathappensisthattherecreationalactivities,friends,andotherritualscanalsobelostwitharelationship(calledself-conceptcontentchange).Themoreyourday-to-daylifeischangedasaresultofthebreakup,themorechallengingitcanbetogrievethelossoftherelationshipbecauseyourlivesaresointertwined.Forexample,ifyouandyourpartnerworkedouttogetheratthesamegym,wentfordrinksonFridayswiththesamefriends,thebreakupisnaturallygoingtobemoredisruptivetoyourroutine.Althoughit’snaturaltogothroughaphaseofdisruptionofyouidentity,somethingscanmakeitmorecomplicated.Thelessclearyouridentitywasbefore,themoreitmaybedisruptedbyabreakup(calledself-conceptclarity).Inonestudy,higherdisruptionofaspectsofyourlifecombinedwithlowerlevelsofself-identity,predictedhigherlevelsofemotionaldistressafterabreakup.Whatthisallmeansisthatit’snormaltobeconfusedaboutwhoyouareafterabreakup.Inthiskit,wehaveanexercisecalledWhoAmI?thatisintendedtohelpyoubeginthejourneytowarddefiningyourselfagain.
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MemoryWithanysignificantrelationship,theinteractionswehavearestoredintotwomemorysystemscalledimplicitandexplicitmemory.Implicitmemoryisanunconscioustypeofmemorythatdevelopsjustbeforebirth.Itincludesnonverbal,sensory,emotional,andmotormemory.Between12-18months,explicitmemorydevelop,whichenableustobeabletorememberfacts,timelines,andstories.Aswedevelop,wecontinuetoencodeimplicitandexplicitmemoriestogether.Sowhatdoimplicitandexplicitmemoryhavetodowithbreakups?Thememorieswehaveencodedduringtherelationshipareoftenbroughtupthroughreminders,whichcanleadtonegativeemotions.Thesearecalledtriggers.Let’ssayyou’rewalkingdownthestreetafteryourbreakupandyousmellyourex’sfragrance.Youbecomefloodedwithmemoriesofyourtimetogether,andawaveofsadnesspassesoveryou.Chancesare,youareprobablyrecallinganimplicitmemory(theemotionsyoufeltwhilearoundyourex),aswellasanexplicitmemory(rememberingtheconcertyouwenttowhentheyworethatfragrance).It’simportanttounderstandthatemotionaltriggersarenaturalexperiencesduringabreakup.It’syourbody’swayofremindingyouofsomethingsignificantthatyouaremissing.Wecan’tcontrolmanytriggers,butrecognizingthemandbeingkindtoourselveswhentheyhappencangoalongway.Thetriggersbecomelessintenseforpeople,ortheymightevenbeassociatedwithfondmemoriesofthetimeyouhad.
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ImpactoftheBreakup
Intimesofcrisis,itishelpfultomakesenseofyourexperience.Researchershavefoundthatputtingemotionsintowordsactuallyhasacalmingeffectonthebrain.Forthisexercise,pleaseselectthesymptomsthatyouhavebeenexperiencinginthepastfewweeks.
PhysicalSymptoms
EmotionalReactions
Thoughts
Behaviours
o Difficultysleeping
o Digestiveproblems
o Muscletension
o Racinghearto Drythroato Nauseao Cold/fluo Shallowbreathing
o Restlessnesso Fatigueo Increasedenergy
o Confusiono Rageo Irritabilityo Sadnesso Depressiono Hopelessnesso Numbnesso Longingo Panico Self-doubto Uncertaintyo Righteousindignation
o Obsessivethoughts
o Racingthoughts
o Sexualfantasies
o Analyzingconversations
o Analyzingex’sactions
o Self-blameo Blamingotherso Wantingrevenge
o Difficultyconcentrating
o Checkingsocialmedia
o Makingselfavailabletoex
o Checkingphoneformessages
o Askingforadvice
o Isolationo Constantlybusyness
o Eatingtoomuch/toolittle
o Lossofroutine
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WhenProfessionalHelpIsNeededFormostpeople,thesesymptomsarenaturalreactionsthatfadeovertime.Forsomepeople,thesereactionscanpersistandcausedifficultwithfunctioning.Herearesomesignswhenit’srecommendedtoseekprofessionalsupport:o Formulatingaplanforsuicide–youmightnotbeabletoseeyourlifewithoutthisperson,butifyouareseriouslyconsideringendingyourlife,contactprofessionalsupportimmediately(e.g.,psychologist,doctor)
o Planningtohurtothers–it’snormaltobeangryatyourex,butifyouareseriouslyplanningtoharmthemoranyoneelse,contactprofessionalsupportimmediately(e.g.,psychologist,doctor)
o Ifyoursymptomshaveworsenedornotimprovedwithin4-6weeks
o Ifthebreakupinvolvedinfidelity,manipulation,orabuseo Ifyourexhasmadethreatstoharmyouo Youareturningtodestructivecopingstrategies(e.g.,drugoralcoholuse)
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FrequentlyAskedQuestions1.ShouldIhavecontactwithmyexafterwebreakup?Therearenoeasyanswershere,buthereareafewpointstoconsider:Overall,researchershavefoundthatcontactwithanexisassociatedwithpoorerpostbreakupfunctioning,prolongeddistress,andprolongedlongingforthepartner(Fieldetal.,2009;Knoxetal.,2000).Withsocialmedia,approximatelyonethirdtoonehalfofpeopleadmittolookingthroughtheirpartner’sFacebookprofileorpicturesaftertheyhavebrokenup,withmanykeepingregulartabsontheirpartner(Chalk&Jones,2011;Lyndon,Bonds-Raacke,&Cratty,2011).Overall,Facebooksurveillancewasassociatedwithgreaterbreakupdistress,negativefeelings,sexualdesire,longingforthepartner,andlowerpersonalgrowth.Thisoccurredwhentheexeswerenotfriends(Marshall,2012).Ontheotherhand,whenpeopleremainedfriendswiththeirexesoverFacebook,theyreportedlowernegativefeelings,sexualdesire,andlongingfortheirpartner,butalsolowerpersonalgrowth(Marshall,2012).Thiscouldmeanthattheexposuretotheirexmayhavehadahabituatingeffect,loweringtheirmystiqueandunavailability.Anotherexplanationcouldbethatthenaturebreakupwasamicable,leadingtolowernegativeemotion.Mygeneralrecommendationistograduallydecreasecontactinordertomaketheprocessofwithdrawalfromyourexalittleeasier.Therationaleforgradualwithdrawingofcontactisbecausethismaylessenthestateofprimalpanic(theoverwhelmingsenseofanxietyandlongingtoconnectwithourex).Ifwedonothavesomesortofwaytoconnectwithourex,thisexperiencecanbeoverwhelmingandre-traumatizingforsome.Anexceptiontogradualdisengagementfromyourexisiftheyhavebeenabusiveoremotionallymanipulative.Inthiscase,itisrecommendedtocutoffcontactinordertodisengagefromtheabusivecycleandallowyourselftoheal.
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Ifit’snotappropriatetohavecontactwithyourexbutyouarestillstruggling,oneoptionistomaintainsomesortofconnectionwithyourexinawaythatisnotintrudingontheirboundaries.Thismaymeanlookingatpicturesofthem,orreadingemailsorletterstheyhavewritten.Thismayhelpyoutomakesenseofthelossandengageinthegrievingprocess.Overall,ifseeingyourexiscausingyouconfusionanddelayedhealing,youmightwanttoconsiderendingcontactentirely.Youwillexperiencealotofemotionalpaininitially,butyouwilleventuallystarttofeelbetter.Ifhavingsomecontactwithyourexisabletohelpyoutoeventuallygrievethelossandmoveon,thenthisoptionmayworkforyou.Onethingtoconsiderifthatifyouremainfriends,howwillyoufeelaboutdatingorseeingyourexwithsomeone?It’simportanttoaskyourselfifyourfriendshiporcontactmightbeprolongingyourgrieformakingitdifficulttomoveon.Whataboutcontactwithmyex’sfamily?Therearenoabsoluteshere,butaskyourself:Whatisyourintentioninkeepingconnectedtoyourex’sfamily?Ifit’sbecausetheyareanintegralpartofyourlife,itisunderstandablethatyouwouldwanttokeepcontact.Ifyourintentionistotrytogetinformationaboutyourexortrytoinfluenceyourex’sfamilyregardingthebreakup,thismightjustcausefurtherpainforeveryone.Keepinmindthattherearemanyadditionallossesthatoccurwithabreakup,andyourex’sfamilycanbeanotherdifficultlosstogrieve.Theysaidtheyneedsometime.HowlongshouldIwait?Somepeoplewhoinitiateabreakupsaytheyneedtimeinordertoeasethefinalityofthebreakup.Icanunderstandthatyourexneedingmoretimecanbeasignofhopeinthemidstofuncertainty.However,Iwouldrecommendadoptingthemindsetthatthebreakupispermanent,andbeginmovingon.Ifyouhappentogetbacktogetherinthefuture,youmaybecomingfromahealthyplacebecauseyouhavebeentakingcareofyourneeds.
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WhenshouldIstartdatingnewpeople?Iusuallyrecommendtakinga6-12monthbreakfromrelationshipstoworkonyourselfandtheissuesthatcontributedtothebreakup.Ifyoudatebeforeyouareready,thereisachancethatyoumaybringpastresentmentintoyourcurrentrelationship,orchooseapersonthatreplicatessimilarunhealthydynamics.Thatbeingsaid,I’vehadclientsgetbackonthedatinghorserightafteraanurgencytostartdatingtomakeupforlosttime,butIhaveworkedwithmanyclientswhohavemetamazingpartnerslaterinlife.HowdoIhandlethingsifIrunintomyex?Thisoneistough.It’stemptingtobragabouthowamazingyourlifeis,ormaybetellthemhowmuchthey’vehurtyou.Iwouldkeepitrespectful,kind,andshort.Findareasontoexitthesituationifyoudon’thaveone.Becarefulaboutgettingdrawnbackintounhealthydynamicsorromanticizingtherelationship(e.g.,“whydidwebreakupanyway?”).AsRonBurgundysaysonAnchorman,“Youstayclassy,SanDiego.”Whatifwesharepets?Thisisacomplicatedone,especiallysincepetsbecomemembersofthefamily.IrecentlyreadaCBCarticlewhereaSaskatchewanjudgestatedthatdogcustodyissueswereawasteofcourtresources.Ifyoutakeananimalcustodyissuetocourt,thereisachancethatthejudgemayrecommendthatyouranimalbesoldandtheprofitsbesplitbetweenyou.Idon’thaveanysimpleanswers,otherthantotrytofindareasonablearrangement.Ifyouhavedifficultyseeingyourex,canyourspousedropyourdogoffatanotherperson’shome?Somepeoplehavetomakeadifficultdecisiontolettheirpetsgoifitistoostressfulonthem.Youmightalsowanttoconsidertryingtouseaprofessionalmeditatortohelpyoufindasolution.
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WillIevergetoverthisbreakup?Yes!Humanshavetheincredibleabilitytoadapttonegativelifeevents(researcherscallthepsychologicalimmunesystem).Eastwick(2007)foundinthatcollegestudentsover-predictedthenegativeemotionstheywouldexperienceaftergoingthroughabreakup.Theinaccuratepredictionofone’semotionalstateinthefuture(calledanaffectiveforecastingerror),isinfluencedbyouremotionalstateatthetimeofthebadnews(calledtheinitialintensitybias).However,it’sinterestingtonotethattheparticipantsinthestudywereaccurateatguessinghowlongitwouldtakethenegativeeventtodissipate.Overall,wetendtooverestimatethenegativeimpactthatabreakupisgoingtohave,butarefairlyaccurateinpredictingthetimeittakestogetoverit.Otherfactorsthatcanmakebreakupsmoredifficult:
o Pastexperiencesorbetrayalo Unreciprocatedloveo Attributingthebreakuptopersonaldeficienciesthatarefixedandstable
o Alackofself-identityo Insecureattachmento Highinvestmentintherelationship
Here’swhatcanhelptorecoverfromabreakup:
o Ifwebelievethatwecandeveloptheskillsandabilitiestocopewithandlearnfromadversity,thisseemstoleadtobetteroutcomes(CarolDwerkcallsagrowthmindset).Thepositivechangesexperiencedbyadversityhavebeencalledposttraumaticgrowth
o Ourabilitytobedevelopself-compassionalsoinfluenceshowwecopewithabreakup.Self-compassioncaninclude:seeingyourproblemsaspartoftheuniversalexperience,practicingbeinginthemoment(mindfulness),andmakingmeaningoutofyoursituation.
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Self-CareCopingPlan2Type Recommendations Goals(weekly)
Sleep o 7-9hourspernight
o Consistentroutine,evenonweekends
o Noelectronics1-2hoursbeforebed
Eating o Eatingrealfoodso Avoidsugar,caffeine,andalcohol
Exercise o 30minutes,3xperweek(minimum)
Socializing o Connectwithonepersonperday
o Scheduleatleastoneoutingperweek
o Timewithnatureandanimals
Boundaries o Limitcontactwithexo Avoidsocialmedia
Other: o Avoidmakingmajordecisions
2Thisplanisbasedonbehaviouralactivation,aevidence-basedtreatmentfordepressionthatfocusesonchangingyourbehavioursbyschedulingactivities.Typicallythefirst4-6weeksarethehardestformostpeople.
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ProgressReviewforweek:____________________________________Successes:Challenges:Learning:Nextsteps:
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CognitiveTherapyforBreakupsCognitivetherapyisapopularformofpsychologicaltreatmentbasedontheideathatourthoughtsinfluenceourmoodandbehaviours.Manyofourthoughtsnegativelybiased,creatingerrorsinthinkingerrors(calledcognitivedistortions).Whenwebelievethesethoughterrors,wetendtofeelmoredepressedandactinwaysthatdon’tsupporthealthydevelopment.Thegoodnewsisthatwecanbecomeawareofourcognitivedistortions,tocreatemoreaccurateandrealisticwaysofthinking.Beneathournegativethinkingpatterns,thereusuallyarenegativecorebeliefsaboutourselves,theworld,andourfuture(calledBeck’scognitivetriad).Forexample,underneaththethought“Noonewilleverloveme”isacorebeliefthatyouarenotworthy.Theoverallgoalofcognitivetherapyistoadjustourthoughtssothattheyaremorebalancedandseetheworldinamoreaccurateway.Withbreakups,CarolDweckfoundthatthehurtfromrejectioncanlingerifpeopleseethebreakupasrevealingsomethingfundamentalaboutwhotheyareasaperson.Whentheseparticipantsviewedtheirpersonalityassomethingthatisfixedandcannotbechanged,thisledtogreaterstrugglesdowntheroadingettingoverthebreakup.Inthisexercise,we’regoingtoexploresomeofthecommonnegativethoughtsthatoccurduringbreakups.Thelefthandcolumnrepresentsthetypeofnegativethinkingerror(cognitivedistortion),themiddlecolumnrepresentstheunhealthythinkingpattern(automaticthoughts),andtherightcolumnrepresentshealthierthoughts.Selecttheunhealthythoughtsyouhaveexperiencedsincethebreakup,thentrypracticingsomeofthehealthythoughtsontherighthandside.Itcantaketimeandpracticewithdifferentwaysofthinkingbeforeitbecomesahabit.
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CognitiveDistortions
UnhealthyThought
HealthyThought
1.Blackandwhitethinking
o MylifewasamazingwhenIwasinarelationship
o There’ssomethingdeeplywrongwithme
o LifehaschallengeswhetherI’msingleorinarelationshipo IhavestrengthsandlimitationsbutIcangrow
2.Overgeneralization
o Nothingeverworksoutforme
o Rejectionisapartoflifeandforeveryone
3.Jumpingtoconclusions:1.Fortunetelling2.Mindreading
o I’llneverfind
anyoneagaino Onedaytheywill
comebacko Theynevercared
aboutmeo Iftheyonly
understoodmysidetheywouldcomeback
o Manypeoplefindrelationshipslaterinlife
o Ican’tputmylifeonholdanymore
o Theemotionswesharedwererealbutthingshavechanged
o It’spainfultoacceptthisbutIneedtomoveon
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4.Magnification
Minimization
o Thisistheworstthingthatcouldhappentome
o Ourproblemsweren’tthatbad
o ThishasbeenhardbutIknowI’llbeokay
o IfI’mhonest,thereweremajorissues
5.Emotionalreasoning
o Ifeellikealoser
o Everyone’segotakesahitinabreakupbutthislossdoesn’tdefineme
6.Shouldstatements
o Ishouldhaveseenitcoming
o Ishouldhavedonesomethingdifferent
o Hindsightis20/20
o Ihavelearnedalotaboutmyselfforthenextrelationship
7.Labeling
o Iamugly/defective/old
o TherearethingsIcanchangeifIworkonthem,butit’snothelpfultoputmyselfdown
8.Blame1.Self2.Other
o It’sallmyfault
o It’salltheirfault
o Icanonlytake
responsibilityformypart
o Twoqualitypeoplecan
beinarelationship,anditstillsometimesdoesn’tworkout
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WhoAmI?Self-ConceptClarityExerciseAspreviouslymentioned,whenpeoplegothroughabreakuptheytemporarilyexperienceadisruptiontotheiridentity.However,LarsonandSbarrafoundthatsimplytalkingaboutthebreakupregularlydecreasedbreakuprelatedintrusivethoughtsandlonelinessoveranine-weekperiod.Thepurposeofthisexerciseismeantohelpyoustarttodevelopasenseofselfwithoutyourpartner.Pleaseanswerthefollowingquestions,usingtheroomprovidedorwritetheminajournalorworddocument.1.HowwelldoIknowmyself?2.WhatthingsdidIliketodowithmytimebeforeImetmypartner?3.Howwouldmyfriendsdescribemypersonality?
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4.HowwouldIdescribemypersonality?5.InwhatwaysamIdifferentthanmyex?6.WhoamIwithoutmypartner?
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RelationshipAutopsy(ExpressiveWritingExercise)Humansarenaturalstorytellers.It’showwemakesenseofourworldandourselves.Tellingstoriesalsohasanadaptivefunctionbecauseitlinksmemory,thought,andemotion(Siegel,2012).JamesW.Pennebakerhasconductedanumberofstudieswithexpressivewritingandfoundthatithasbeenbeneficialforoverallemotionalhealth.Ifwecanprocessourlifeexperiencesandunderstandwhatwecanlearnfromthem,todeveloppurposeandmeaning.Thistypeofreflectionalsohelpsustoavoidfuturemistakes.Lewandowskifoundthatparticipantswhowroteaboutthebreakupreportedexperiencingmorepositiveemotionsandlessnegativeemotions.Pleaseanswerthefollowingquestions,usingtheroomprovidedorwritetheminajournalorworddocument.Part1:Understanding1.Whatfactorsledtothisrelationshipending?
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2.Describethebreakupevent.Howdidithappen?3.Howhaveyoubeenfeeling?4.Whatisthehardestpartofthisbreakup?5.Whatthoughtsareyouthinkingrepeatedly?
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6.Whatunresolvedquestionswouldyoulikeanswersto?7.Whatdoyouneedrightnow?Part2:LessonsLearned1.Whatweresomeofthenegativeaspectsofyourrelationship?2.Whatweresomeofthepositiveaspectsofyourrelationship?
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3.Whatneedswerenotmetinyourrelationship?4.Whatpartsofthisrelationshipcanyoutakeresponsibilityfor?5.Whatthingswouldyoudodifferentlyforthenextrelationship?(e.g.,workless,belesscriticalofmypartner)6.Howdoyouthinkthisrelationshiphaschangedyouforthebetter?7.Whatdoyouwantyournextrelationshiptobelike?8.Whatdoyouneedtocontinuetogrowpersonally?
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StoriesofHopeDan,aged50,attendedcounsellingafterhiswifehadanaffairandendedtheirmarriageabruptly.Hewasangryandheartbroken,andtomakemattersworse,sheblamedhimforheraffair.DanielandIworkedondevelopingagoodself-careplan,whichincludedkeepinguphisexerciseroutineandspendingtimewithhisadultchildren.Thenwehelpedhimtoprocesshisgriefandunderstandthepartsofhisrelationshipthatwerenotworking.Weexploredcharacteristicsofhealthyrelationshipsandwhathewantedatthispointinhislife.ThelasttimeIspoketoDan,hewashappilydatingalovelywoman.Hestillfeltangertowardhisexfromtime-to-time,butittypicallypassedquickly.Jennifer,aged25,attendedcounsellingtocopewiththebreakupofheron-again,off-againboyfriend,Trevor.Shecouldn’tunderstandwhyshestillkeptgoingbacktoTrevor,afterherepeatedlycheatedonherandwascriticalofhercareer.Jenniferlearnedthatherreactiontoherboyfriendmirroredherrelationshipwithherfather,whomhadabandonedtheirfamily.Thisknowledgeabouttheinfluenceofherearlyrelationshipsonherpresentrelationshiphelpedhertoshedtheshameandself-blamethatshehadcarriedforyears.Wethenworkedtohelpherresistherex’sattemptstopullherbackintotherelationship,whilerestoringherself-worth.Jenniferendedupdatingaverykindmanandlearnedthatlovedoesn’thavetohurttofeelgood.Jason,aged32,recentlywentthroughabreakupanddidn’tseeitcoming.Hefoundhimselfdesperatelywantingtomaintaincontactwithhisex.Tomakemattersworse,theyjusthadrecentlypurchasedahouseandboughtadog.Jasonwentthroughaboutsixweeksofintensegrief,wherehefeltalotofemotionalpain.Hetriedtomakesenseofthebreakup,eventhoughthereweremanyunansweredquestions.Hegraduallybegantosethealthyboundarieswithcontactsohecouldstarttomoveon.Duringthistime,Jasonbeganreadingaboutadultattachmentandhealthyrelationships,andstarteddatingagain.Heboughthisowncondoandhadfunfurnishingitonhisown.Jasondecidedthatinhispastrelationship,hehadjumpedintothingstooquickly,andwasgoingtotaketimetogettoknowhisnextpartnerbeforecommittingtomovingintogether.LastIhadspokenwithJason,hewasdatingalovelyyoungwomanandwasenjoyinghiscondo.Iamsosorrythatyouareinpainrightnow,butpleaserememberthatyouarenotalone.Breakupsaredifficultbuttheycanbeopportunitiestodeepenourconnectiontoourselvesandothers.Iwishyouallthebestinyourjourney,Christina
Althoughthearrangementofthisinformationismyown,theknowledgehasbeengatheredfrommanysources,includingmyclients.Feelfreetodistributethisdocumentfreely.Copyright©2017ChristinaBell,R.Psych Lastupdate:March6,2017
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AdditionalResources
WebsitesandBlogs
o AlanaMbanao KatieBogeno JRHugheso Gettingoverabreakup(HuffingtonPost)
Apps
o Mend–a“personaltrainerforheartbreak”programVideos
o Visitmywebsiteforalistofvideosonbreakupso AlanRobarge
Books(someareavailableinanereaderoraudioformat)
o Rebuilding–BruceFisher+RobertAlberti
o TheJourneyfromAbandonmenttoHealing–SusanAnderson
o RisingStrong–BreneBrown
o Splitopia–WendyParis
o Attached–AmirLevine+RachelHeller
o OpeningUpByWritingItDown–JamesW.Pennebaker+Joshua
Smyth