Whatsapp Shares - LOL Baba

WHATSAPPSHARES.COM

Presents

101 Best WhatsApp Messages

By

Sadhan Samanta

Table of Contents

Introduction ................................................................................................................ 4

Chapter 1 - Blondes..................................................................................................... 5

Chapter 2 - Boss Employee ......................................................................................... 9

Chapter 3 - Friendship ..............................................................................................11

Chapter 4 - Festivals .................................................................................................13

Chapter 5 - Funny & Hilarious ...................................................................................17

Chapter 6 - Husband & Wife......................................................................................26

Chapter 7 - Informational .........................................................................................41

Chapter 8 - Not For Kids ............................................................................................54

Chapter 9 - Wonderful Facts .....................................................................................61

Chapter 10 - Quotes ..................................................................................................72

Chapter 11 - Santa Banta ..........................................................................................83

Chapter 12 - Teacher-Student...................................................................................86

Chapter 13 - Thought Provoking ...............................................................................89

Meet Our Partners .....................................................................................................97

4

http://WhatsappShares.Com

Introduction

This book is a collection 101 Best Jokes, Messages, and Images. This book is for general

entertainment purposes only.

The information is provided by http://whatsappshares.com.

While we endeavor to keep the information entertaining, our intention is not to hurt any person,

faith, religion, political party, or institution.

We do not guarantee the authenticity of any information provided in this book, and you must

do your share of research before relying on any information.

Through this book you are able to link to the websites of our partners which are not under the

control of http://whatsappshares.com. We have no control over the nature, content and

availability of those sites. The inclusion of any links does not necessarily imply a

recommendation or endorse the views expressed within them.

Every effort is made to make this book as entertaining as possible.

Happy Reading!

Sadhan Samanta

http://whatsappshares.com/

http://whatsappshares.com/

5


Chapter 1

Blondes

Blonde and A Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to

catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and

vice versa. ”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I

don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she

plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the

lawyer.

“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no

answer.

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Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,

“Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,

hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb?

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 1.1: Mom, Forget WhatsApp And Hold Me Properly

-x-x-x-x-x-

7


Blonde On A Plane

There’s this blonde. She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.

The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.

She looks at the blonde woman’s ticket and tells the blonde; “ma’am you can’t sit here, your

ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane”

The blonde replies “I’m a blonde, I’m smart and have a good job. I’m not moving until the

plane arrives in Jamaica”

So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde’s response, goes to another

flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the

back of the plane.

She then responds “I’m a blonde, I’m smart and have a good job. I’m not moving until the

plane arrives in Jamaica”.

So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is

going on.

He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her

ear.

The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and

moved to the back of the plane.

They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.

The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them “oh, this happened a while back with

someone else.

I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn’t going to Jamaica”.

-x-x-x-x-x-

8


Rolex and Timex

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs,

and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named

Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Whatevverrrrr,” answered the blonde.

“They’re watch dogs!”

-x-x-x-x-x-

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Chapter 2

Boss Employee

After Long Diwali Weekend

After a long Diwali weekend, the boss entered the board room and says “Let’s Start”…

The half sleepy employee threw a 100 rupee note n said “Meri sau ki Blind”.!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Who's the BOSS?

A Junior in office dialed his boss's extension by mistake & said:

Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 min ☕

Boss Shouted: Do u know whom u r talking 2?

Jr : No!

Boss: I'm the BOSS !

Jr (in same tone): do u know whom u r talking to?

Boss: No!

Jr : THANK GOD (& disconnected)

-x-x-x-x-x-

Lesson On Management

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…..

One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a

virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not

better, we’re going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat approached the horse and said: – Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they’re going to

put you to sleep!

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On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat came back and said: – Come on buddy, get up or else you’re going to die! Come on,

I’ll help you get up.

Let’s go! One, two, three…

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:- Unfortunately, we’re

going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the

other horses.

After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it’s now or never! Get up,

come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That’s it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two,

three… Good, good. Now faster, come on…… Fantastic! Run, run more!

Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you’re a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting:

It’s a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let’s Cook the goat!!!!

Lesson:

Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal.

Wonderful story and what a powerful message

-x-x-x-x-x-

11


Chapter 3

Friendship

Image 3.1: Definition of Friend

-x-x-x-x-x-

Friends Forever

One day when all of us will get Old

And won't be able to see & hear properly

And when people will get bored from our company

At that time you'll just close your eyes for a moment

And try to recall your past that

How u enjoyed with your friends ,

When u cheated your fellows & teachers ,

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Fought with friends without any reason

Ur face & your eyes will be full of tears face-crying .

And Suddenly a drop will fall On your hand

And that time you'll come to know

What friends Really are.

Most of your friends will be dead

And most of them will be in your Condition .

SO

Enjoy this time.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 3.2: Calculation of Friends

13


Chapter 4

Festivals

Image 4.1: Eid Mubarak

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 4.2: Happy Dhanteras

14


Deepavali Request for Group Admin

Dear Group Admin,

As you aware that Deepavali Festival is coming.

You are requested to distribute new clothes, sweets and a Box full of crackers to all group

members who are working hard and keeping the group active all the days. We believe our

group admin is very kind hearted. I can say our admin is very good. Expect the unexpected

parcels one day before Deepavali. Group members are requested to send your postal address to

our group admin as soon as possible.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Recipe For Christmas Rum Cake

Ingredients:

1 or 2 qts. of rum

1 cup butter

1/8 tsp. sugar

2 large eggs

1 cup dried fruit

baking powder

1 tsp. baking soda

lemon juice

brown sugar

nuts

Directions:

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.

Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right! To

be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast

as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat

again. Meanshile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality—try another cup.

Open the second quart of rum if necessary. Add 1 arge leggs, 2 cups of fried druits and beat till

high.

If the druits get stuck in the beats, just pru it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again

for cinscistincy.

Next, sift 3 cups of salt and feffer (it really doesn’t matter). Sample the wum again.

15


Sift 1 pint of lemon goose, add 1 bablespoon of brown thugar, of whatever color tou can find.

Mix well. Grease oven, turn cake pan to 350 greeds.

Noe, pour the whole mess sinto the boven and ake. Check the crum again and go to bed.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 4.4: Merry Christmas

-x-x-x-x-x-

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Image 4.5: Happy New Year

-x-x-x-x-x-

Upside Down New Year Message

ɹɐəʎ ʍəu ʎddɐɥ ʎɹəʌ ɐ noʎ ɥsıʍ

In advance………

Now don’t ask how have I done it…

-x-x-x-x-x-

17


Chapter 5

Funny & Hilarious

Funniest Leave Applications

Leave applications. Must read

(murdering English language)

Infosys, Bangalore:

“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,

please sanction me one-week leave.”

________________________________

Oracle, Bangalore:

From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:

“As I want to shave my son’s head , please leave me for two days..”

________________________________

Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was

performing his daughter’s wedding:

“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”

________________________________

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days

leave.”

________________________________

Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:

“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o’clock and I may not return, please grant me

half day casual leave”

________________________________

A leave letter:

“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”

________________________________

A leave letter to a headmaster:

“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me

today”

________________________________

Another letter written to a headmaster:

“As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day.”

________________________________

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Covering note:

“I am enclosed herewith…”

________________________________

Another one:

“Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom…”

________________________________

Actual application for leave:

“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted

leave”.

________________________________

Letter writing:

“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 5.1: Why Superman Wears Underwear On Top

-x-x-x-x-x-

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This is BUSINESS

Dad: I want u 2 marry a girl of

my choice.

Son: No.

Dad: The girl is Bill

Gates’daughter.

Son: Then ok.

Dad goes 2 Bill Gates…

Dad: I want ur daughter 2 marry

my son.

Bill Gates: No.

Dad: My son is d CEO of the World

Bank.

Bill Gates: Then ok.

Dad goes 2 the President of the

World Bank…

Dad: Appoint my son as the CEO of

ur bank.

President: No.

Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill

Gates.

President: Then ok.

This is BUSINESS ..!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 5.2: Who Paid

20


Empty the Bathtub

In a “Mental Hospital” a journalist asks the Doctor: How do u determine whether to admit a

mental patient or not?

Dr: Well..we’d fill a bathtub with water & then give

a teaspoon,

a glass &

a bucket

to the patient & ask them to empty the bathtub.

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket coz its bigger.

Dr: “No, a normal person would pull the drain plug!

Please go to bed No.39. We will start further investigations on you!”

…………………………………………..

You also thought of the bucket, didn’t you?? Please go to bed No. 40 !

Forward quickly… There are still some beds available !!!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 5.3: Monday Blues

21


The SHAADI.COM SAGA

These are actual profiles from

shaadi.com.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about

RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework.

(Can smbdy plz explain What

Homework???)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want a boy with no drinks. If he

wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our

cast.

(by not wearing his jeans? What the

hell…! )

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.

I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD.

THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY THEY ARE,

1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.

2. THEY HAVE LIKE MY PROFFESION

3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(I am loughing {laughing})

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom,

and he must think of the future life if

he is too like this he would be called the man of the lamp.

(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants A

LAMP ? ?)

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

I love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai

the patner has a graduate ok?

(the ‘Ok-syndrome’ K K)

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

I am pranati my family histoy my two

brother two sister and father & Mother.

sister completely married

(somebody please explain how to get married ‘completely’?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

22


My name is farhanbegum, and i am

unmarried.

pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(Heights of desperation! )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am kanandevi. i do own businas. one sistar. he was marred.

(“1 sistar…he was marred”. I’m dead…)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am Sharmila my colour is black, but

my heart is white. i like social service.

(Is she a Zebra..???) .

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 5.4: Lost & Found

-x-x-x-x-x-

23


Family Problems

Two men, an American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family

problems..

Shot after shot…

The Indian man said to the American, ‘We have problem in India we can’t marry the one whom

we love, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from

a village whom I haven’t even met once.’ We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry

a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now

have a lot of family problems.’

The American said, talking about love marriages… In America We can marry the one whom we

love.. I’ll tell you my story. ‘I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After

a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father

became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my

mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my

father’s brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son, my brother is my

grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.’?!

The Indian fainted……..!!

Lol

-x-x-x-x-x-

24


Image 5.5: Joke Of The Year

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Neither Legal nor Logical

Chintu failed in the final Law Exam & decided to make a deal with the Professor.

Chintu: Sir, Can I ask you one question?

Professor: Yes.

Chintu: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you can’t, you will have

to give me an “A” grading.

Professor agreed.

Chintu asked: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?”

Prof thought about it for hrs & pondered but couldnt think of an answer.

He had to finally give up as he really didnot know the answer.

He gave this boy an “A” grading as promised.

25


The following day, Professor asked same question to his students.

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

He answered:

Sir, you are 65, married to a 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical.

Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.

Your wife’s boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an “A”, this is neither

logical nor legal.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 5.6: Revenge Of The Winter

-x-x-x-x-x-

26


Chapter 6

Husband & Wife

What’s Checkmate?

U tell ur wife I saw a lady, looked xctly like u”

&

wife asks “WAS SHE HOT..??”

U cnt say ‘no’

U cnt say ‘yes’

Dats Checkmate!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Wife’s Shopping Spree

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

H – “Yes.”

W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat.

It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

H – “What’s the price?”

W – “Only $1,500.00.”

H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

27


W – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw

one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price…and since we

need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

H-“What price did he quote you?”

W – “Only $60,000…”

H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”

H – “What?”

W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real

estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!!

Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.”

H – “How much are they asking?”

W – “Only $450,000 – a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to

cover…”

H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”

W – “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

H – “Bye…I love u too…” The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while

holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs

to?”

-x-x-x-x-x-

28


Image 6.1: House So Clean

-x-x-x-x-x-

Top 12 All Time Best Husband-Wife Jokes

1. Husband texts to wife on cell.” Hi, what r u doing Darling?” Wife: I’m dying..! Husband jumps

with joy but types ” Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?” Wife: “U idiot! I’m dying my hair…”

Husband: “Bloody English Language!”

2. An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. “Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife’s

Ticket Free.” After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was

The Trip. All Of Them Gave A Same Reply…” Which Trip?”

3. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur

problems, No TV serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do this for 1 yr & he will be

ok. On the way home.. Husband: What did the doctor say ? Wife:- No chance for u to survive.

4. ”An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Can’t

Afford Another Women”

5. Woman Buys A New SIM Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise her Husband

Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband

With The New Number: “Hello Darling” The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: “Let Me Call U

Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..

29


6. Cool Message by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, “Don’t Teach me how 2 handle my children,

I’m living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement”

7. A kid was beaten by his mom.Dad came n asked – what happen son? Kid said-I can’t adjust

with your wife anymore, I want my own.

8. On an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa’s wife. WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot

him! SANTA: Yes, Yes. I’m changing d battery of my camera..

9. Throwing knives on wife’s picture a husband, All were missing the target! Suddenly he

received call from her “Hi, what r u doing?” His honest reply, “MISSING U”

10. When a married man says “I’ll think about it”, What he really means that, He doesn’t know

his wife’s opinion yet..

11. Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.

12. What is the Difference between mother and wife? A – One Woman Brings U into this world

crying… & the other ensures U Continue to do so.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 6.2: Joke Of The Day

-x-x-x-x-x-

30


Top 13 Truths About Husbands And Wives

Laugh & Laugh

(1)Put your wife in a room & lock it.

Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!

Open both rooms after 2 – 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you !

(Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by

professionals; who are now divorced; and living happily with their dog!!)

Don’t laugh loud —-

The extended version says…

(2) Put your husband in a room & lock it.

Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!

Open both rooms after 2 – 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but

you’ll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!!!

(3) Always keep your spouse’s picture as mobile screen saver.

Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:

“if I can handle this, I can handle anything!”… Superb Attitude for Life!!

(4) If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.

If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.

(5) A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- “Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband…

“Miss” for first year & “Stress” for rest of the life…”!!!!

(6) Million Dollar Truth:

If Saturday and Sunday Don’t Excite You, then change your Friends.

If Monday doesn’t motivate you, then change your profession.

If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then you should change your

spouse!!

(7) Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married? That was

common sense leaving your body.

(8) Generally a man does not go to the place again where he has been cheated once…

But many people still go to their in-laws place..????

(9) Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!

Dad: What role are you playing?

31


Pappu: A husband!

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

(10) Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you

haven’t spoken a word”.

Man inside: “I am talking to my wife”

(11) A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage..

She said- “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot”

(12) Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is

designed to remain silent indoor!

(13) Best one line ad by a married man on OLX:

“For Sale – Wedding Suit, used only once by Mistake……”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 6.3: Marriage Fact

-x-x-x-x-x-

32


Husband and Wife – Liver and Kidney

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney.

Husband is liver & wife is kidney.

If liver fails, kidney fails.

If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Husband Missing Wife

Husband throwing knives on wife’s picture.

All were missing the target!

Suddenly he received call from her

“Hi,what are you doing?”

His honest reply,”MISSING U”

-x-x-x-x-x-

So you control your wife?

In heaven God told all husbands & wives to gather for a meeting!

He told the men to stand in two queues…

Those who are controlled by their wives & those who control their wives!

Only 1 man stood in d second Queue…

God said “So you control ur wife?”

Man: “R u CRAZY ???

My wife told me to stand here”…

Lol

-x-x-x-x-x-

33


Dying vs Dyeing

Husband texts to wife on cell..

“HI, what r u doing Darling?”

Wife: I’m dying..!

Husband jumps with joy but types “Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?”

Wife: “U idiot! I’m dyeing my hair..”

Husband: “Bloody English Language!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 6.4: The Worst Thing In The World

-x-x-x-x-x-

34


Something About Husband

A new metal is added to chemistry:

Name: husband

Symbol: Hb

Atomic Weight:

-Light when first found…

-tends to get heavier over the years with time.

Physical Properties:

– Boils at any time with in-laws

– Can freeze in front of his own family

– Melts if sees other women

– Very Bitter if questioned

Chemical Properties :

– Very Reactive

– Highly Unstable

– Possess Strong resistance to Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards & Cheque books

– Money saving Agent

Occurrence :

– Mostly found in front of the TV

-x-x-x-x-x-

Types of Ladies

Technically there are 7 TYPES OF LADIES:

1. HARD DISK lady: Remembers everything forever.

2. RAM lady: Forgets about you the moment you turn off.

3. SCREENSAVER lady: Just for looking.

4. INTERNET lady: Difficult to access.

5. SERVER lady: Always busy when needed

6. MULTIMEDIA lady: Looks beautiful but you can only look.

35


7. VIRUS lady: This type of lady is normally called ‘WIFE’, once enters your system, never

leaves even if the system is formatted.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 6.5: Hand Me The Dryer

-x-x-x-x-x-

Give& Take

Successful marriage is based on ‘GIVE & TAKE’.

Husband Gives Money, Gifts, Dresses

&

Wife Takes it.

Wife Gives Advices, Lectures, Tensions

&

Husband Takes it. Enjoy Successful marriage Life.

-x-x-x-x-x-

36


Making Sure Wife Received Text

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,

“Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes

and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.”

He sent another text,

“And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary

at the end of the month I’m getting you a new car”

Shetext back, “OMG really?”

Husband replied,

“No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 6.6: Definition Of Marriage

-x-x-x-x-x-

37


A Burger or a Kiss!!!

Wife: Can you help me in the gardening ?

Husband: What do you think I am… a gardener ?

Wife: Can you fix the door handle ?

Husband: What do you think I am… a Carpenter ?

In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.

Husband: Who did all this ?

Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options…. Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.

Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger.

Wife: What do you think I am…….McDonald ?!!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Short Facts Regarding Men And Women

Short Facts……

Wife : “why are u home so early?”

Hubby : “My boss said go to hell!”

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Doctor : How is ur headache ?

Patient : she’s out of town.

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Marriage is like a public toilet…

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &

Those inside are desperate to come out.

38


◆◆◆◆◆◇

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:

(1) Mobile

(2) Automobile

(3) TV

(4) Wife

Because, there is always a

better model in neighborhood

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Whiskey is a brilliant invention.

One double and you start feeling single again.

◆◆◆◆◆◇

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when

a man does that.

The slide show begins.

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,

but my wife is the queen of them.

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Q – You know why women love shoes?

Ans – Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit..

◆◆◆◆◆◇

39


Q – Why can’t Women Drive well?

Ans – Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Q – Why can’t Women stand a day in a Jungle?

Ans – There are no Shopping Centers..

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Q – How to save a Dying Woman?

Ans – Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Q – If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?

Ans – Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..

◆◆◆◆◆◇

The woman who invented the phrase …

“All men are the same”

was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.

◆◆◆◆◆◇

There are 3 kinds of men in this

world.

Some remain single and make

wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

Rest get married and wonder what happened….

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Wives are magicians……..

They can change anything into an argument.

◆◆◆◆◆◇

40


Women live a Better, Longer &

Peaceful Life, as compared to men.

WHY?

A very INTELLIGENT man replied:

Women don’t have a wife!

◆◆◆◆◆◇

Send this to all men for a good laugh and to women who can handle it…

-x-x-x-x-x-

41


Chapter 7

Informational

Toll Free Numbers in India

In the history of WhatsApp,

one of the most important msg…

Here are Toll Free numbers in

India …..very very useful…!!!!

Airlines

Indian Airlines – 1800 180 1407

Jet Airways – 1800 225 522

Spice Jet – 1800 180 3333

Air India – 1800 227 722

Kingfisher -1800 180 0101

Banks

ABN AMRO – 1800 112 224

Canara Bank – 1800 446 000

Citibank – 1800 442 265

Corporation Bank – 1800 443 555

Development Credit Bank – 1800 225 769

HDFC Bank – 1800 227 227

ICICI Bank – 1800 333 499

ICICI Bank NRI -1800 224 848

IDBI Bank -1800 116 999

Indian Bank -1800 425 1400

ING Vysya -1800 449 900

Kotak Mahindra Bank – 1800 226 022

Lord Krishna Bank -1800 112 300

Punjab National Bank – 1800 122 222

State Bank of India – 1800 441 955

Syndicate Bank – 1800 446 655

42


Automobiles

Mahindra Scorpio -1800 226 006

Maruti -1800 111 515

Tata Motors – 1800 255 52

Windshield Experts – 1800 113 636

Computers / IT

Adrenalin – 1800 444 445

AMD -1800 425 6664

Apple Computers-1800 444 683

Canon -1800 333 366

Cisco Systems- 1800 221 777

Compaq – HP -1800 444 999

Data One Broadband – 1800 424 1800

Dell -1800 444 026

Epson – 1800 44 0011

eSys – 3970 0011

Genesis Tally Academy – 1800 444 888

HCL – 1800 180 8080

IBM – 1800 443 333

Lexmark – 1800 22 4477

Marshal’s Point -1800 334 488

Microsoft – 1800 111 100

Microsoft Virus Update – 1901 333 334

Seagate – 1800 180 1104

Symantec – 1800 445 533

TVS Electronics – 1800 444 566

WeP Peripherals – 1800 44 6446

Wipro – 1800 333 312

Xerox – 1800 180 1225

Zenith – 1800 222 004

Indian Railways

General Enquiry 139

Central Enquiry 131

Reservation 139

Railway Reservation Enquiry 1345, 1335, 1330

Centralised Railway Enquiry 133, 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 & 9

Couriers / Packers & Movers

ABT Courier – 1800 448 585

AFL Wizz – 1800 229 696

Agarwal Packers & Movers – 1800 114 321

Associated Packers P Ltd – 1800 214 560

43


DHL – 1800 111 345

FedEx – 1800 226 161

Goel Packers & Movers – 1800 113 456

UPS – 1800 227 171

Home Appliances

Aiwa/Sony – 1800 111 188

Anchor Switches – 1800 227 7979

Blue Star – 1800 222 200

Bose Audio – 112 673

Bru Coffee Vending Machines – 1800 44 7171

Daikin Air Conditioners – 1800 444 222

DishTV – 1800 123 474

Faber Chimneys – 1800 214 595

Godrej – 1800 225 511

Grundfos Pumps – 1800 334 555

LG – 1901 180 9999

Philips – 1800 224 422

Samsung – 1800 113 444

Sanyo – 1800 110 101

Voltas – 1800 334 546

WorldSpace Satellite Radio – 1800 445 432

Investments / Finance

CAMS – 1800 442 267

Chola Mutual Fund – 1800 222 300

Easy IPO’s – 3030 5757

Fidelity Investments – 1800 180 8000

Franklin Templeton Fund – 1800 425 4255

J M Morgan Stanley – 1800 220 004

Kotak Mutual Fund – 1800 222 626

LIC Housing Finance – 1800 440 005

SBI Mutual Fund – 1800 223 040

Sharekhan – 1800 227 500

Tata Mutual Fund – 1800 220 101

Leisure Travels

Club Mahindra Holidays – 1800 334 539

Cox & Kings – 1800 221 235

God TV Tours – 1800 442 777

Kerala Tourism – 1800 444 747

Kumarakom Lake Resort – 1800 445 030

Darjeeling tours -09733306673

Raj Travels & Tours – 1800 229 900

44


Sita Tours – 1800 111 911

SOTC Tours – 1800 223 344

Healthcare

Best on Health – 1800 11 8899

Dr Batras – 1800 11 6767

GlaxoSmithKline – 1800 22 8797

Johnson & Johnson – 1800 22 8111

Kaya Skin Clinic – 1800 22 5292

LifeCell – 1800 44 5323

Manmar Technologies – 1800 33 4420

Pfizer – 1800 442 442

Roche Accu-Chek – 1800 11 45 46

Rudraksha – 1800 21 4708

Insurance

AMP Sanmar – 1800 44 2200

Aviva – 1800 33 2244

Bajaj Allianz – 1800 22 5858

Chola MS General Insurance – 1800 44 5544

ICICI LOMBARD- 18002666

all dth dish no.

airtel- 18001028080

tatasky- 18001806633,

reliance- 18002009001,

d2h -18001370111,

dishtv- 18001801….

-x-x-x-x-x-

How To Survive A Heart Attack When Alone

Dear All,

Please read this:-

1 Let’s say it’s 7.25pm and you’re going home (alone of course) after an unusually hard day on

the job.

2 You’re really tired, upset and frustrated.

3 Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to drag out into your

arm and up in to your jaw. You are only about five km from the hospital nearest your home.

45


4 Unfortunately you don’t know if you’ll be able to make it that far.

5 You have been trained in CPR, but the guy that taught the course did not tell you how to

perform it on yourself.

6 HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE?

Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack without help, the person whose

heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before

losing consciousness.

7 However, these victims can help themselves by coughing

repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the

cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest.

A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two

seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until

the heart is felt to be beating normally again.

8 Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing

movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the

heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.

9 Tell as many other people as possible about this. It could save their lives!!

10 A cardiologist says If everyone who gets this mail

kindly sends it to 10 people, you can bet that we’ll save at least one life.

11 Rather than sending jokes, please..contribute by forwarding this mail which can save a

person’s life….

12 If this message comes around you ……more than once…..please don’t get irritated……U need

to be happy that you have many friends who care about you & being reminded of how to

tackle….Heart attacks….AGAIN…

From:

DR.N Siva

(Senior Cardiologist)

-x-x-x-x-x-

46


Image 7.1: Appeal By Prime Minister Of India

-x-x-x-x-x-

47


Chat with Dr. Devi Shetty, Bangalore

A chat with Dr.Devi Shetty, Narayana Hrudayalaya (Heart Specialist) Bangalore was arranged by

WIPRO for its employees. The transcript of the chat is given below. Useful for everyone.

Qn: What are the thumb rules for a layman to take care of his heart?

Ans: 1. Diet – Less of carbohydrate, more of protein, less oil

2. Exercise – Half an hour’s walk, at least five days a week; avoid lifts and avoid sitting for a

longtime

3. Quit smoking

4. Control weight

5. Control BP – Blood pressure and Sugar

Qn: Is eating non-veg food (fish) good for the heart?

Ans: No

Qn: It’s still a grave shock to hear that some apparently healthy person gets a cardiac arrest.

How do we understand it in perspective?

Ans: This is called silent attack; that is why we recommend everyone past the age of 30 to

undergo routine health checkups.

Qn: Are heart diseases hereditary?

Ans: Yes

Qn: What are the ways in which the heart is stressed? What practices do you suggest to de-

stress?

Ans: Change your attitude towards life. Do not look for perfection in everything in life.

Qn: Is walking better than jogging or is more intensive exercise required to keep a healthy

heart?

Ans: Walking is better than jogging, since jogging leads to early fatigue and injury to joints

Qn: Can people with low blood pressure suffer heart diseases?

Ans: Extremely rare.

Qn: Does cholesterol accumulates right from an early age (I’m currently only 22) or do you

have to worry about it only after you are above 30 years of age?

Ans: Cholesterol accumulates from childhood.

Qn: How do irregular eating habits affect the heart ?

48


Ans: You tend to eat junk food when the habits are irregular and your body’s enzyme release

for digestion gets confused.

Qn: How can I control cholesterol content without using medicines?

Ans: Control diet, walk and eat walnut.

Qn: Which is the best and worst food for the heart?

Ans: Fruits and vegetables are the best and oil is the worst.

Qn: Which oil is better – groundnut, sunflower, canola, olive, etc…..?

Ans: All oils are bad.

Qn: What is the routine checkup one should go through? Is there any specific test?

Ans: Routine blood test to ensure sugar & cholesterol. Check BP, Treadmill test after an echo.

Qn: What are the first aid steps to be taken on a heart attack?

Ans: Help the person into a sleeping position, place an aspirin tablet under the tongue with a

sorbitrate tablet if available, and rush him to a coronary care unit, since the maximum casualty

takes place within the first hour.

Qn: How do you differentiate between pain caused by a heart attack and that caused due to

gastric trouble?

Ans: Extremely difficult without ECG.

Qn: What is the main cause of a steep increase in heart problems amongst youngsters? I see

people of about 30-40 yrs of age having heart attacks and serious heart problems.

Ans: sedentary lifestyles, smoking, junk food, lack of exercise as we are genetically 3 times

more vulnerable for heart attacks than Europeans and Americans.

Qn: Is it possible for a person to have BP outside the normal range of 120/80 and yet be

perfectly healthy?

Ans: Yes.

Qn: Marriages within close relatives can lead to heart problems for the child. Is it true?

Ans : Yes, co-sanguinity leads to congenital abnormalities and you may NOT have a software

engineer as a child

Qn: Many of us have an irregular daily routine and many a times we have to stay late nights in

office. Does this affect our heart? What precautions would you recommend?

49


Ans : When you are young, nature protects you against all these irregularities. However, as you

grow older, respect the biological clock.

Qn: Will taking anti-hypertensive drugs cause some other complications (short/long term)?

Ans : Yes, most drugs have some side effects. However, modern anti-hypertensive drugs are

extremely safe.

Qn: Will consuming more coffee/tea lead to heart attacks?

Ans : No.

Qn: Are asthma patients more prone to heart disease?

Ans : No.

Qn: How would you define junk food?

Ans : Fried food like McDonalds, Samosas, and even Masala Dosas.

Qn: You mentioned that we are 3 times more vulnerable. What is the reason for this, as

Europeans and Americans also eat a lot of junk food?

Ans: Every race is vulnerable to some disease and unfortunately, Indians are vulnerable for the

most expensive disease Heart

Qn: Does consuming bananas help reduce hypertension?

Ans: No.

Qn: Can a person help himself during a heart attack?

Ans: Yes. Lie down comfortably and put an aspirin tablet of any description under the tongue

and ask someone to take you to the nearest coronary care unit without any delay and do not

wait for the ambulance since most of the time, the ambulance does not turn up.

Qn: Do, in any way, low white blood cells and low hemoglobin count lead to heart problems?

Ans: No. But it is ideal to have normal hemoglobin level to increase your exercise capacity.

Qn: Sometimes, due to the hectic schedule we are not able to exercise. So, does walking while

doing daily chores at home or climbing the stairs in the house, work as a substitute for

exercise?

Ans : Certainly. Avoid sitting continuously for more than half an hour and even the act of

getting out of the chair and going to another chair and sitting helps a lot.

Qn: Is there a relation between heart problems and blood sugar?

50


Ans: diabetics are more vulnerable to heart attacks than non-diabetics.

Qn: What are the things one needs to take care of after a heart operation?

Ans : Diet, exercise, drugs on time,Control cholesterol, BP, weight.

Qn: Are people working on night shifts more vulnerable to heart disease when compared to day

shift workers?

Ans : No.

Qn: What are the modern anti-hypertensive drugs?

Ans: There are hundreds of drugs and your doctor will chose the right combination for your

problem, but my suggestion is to avoid the drugs and go for natural ways of controlling blood

pressure by walk, diet to reduce weight and changing attitudes towards lifestyles.

Qn: Does dispirin or similar headache pills increase the risk of heart attacks?

Ans : No.

Qn: Why is the rate of heart attacks more in men than in women?

Ans: Nature protects women till the age of 45. (Present Global census show that the Percentage

of heart disease in women has increased than in men )

Qn: How can one keep the heart in a good condition?

Ans: Eat a healthy diet, avoid junk food, exercise everyday, do not smoke and, go for health

checkups if you are past the age of 30 ( once in six months recommended) ….

-x-x-x-x-x-

Blood On Call – 104

Modi’s new project : “BLOOD ON 104″

From Now Onwards, ‘104’ is going to be a special number for blood requirements.

“Blood On Call” is the name of the service..

After calling this number, blood will get delivered within Four Hour in a radius of 40kms..

Rs.450/ per bottle plus Rs.100 for transportation.

51


Plz forward this message for people who don’t read newspapers..

Many lives can be saved by this facility……..

Plz circulate in ur groups.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 7.2: Advisory On Rs. 1000 Currency Notes

-x-x-x-x-x-

Roll Car Windows Down Before Turning On AC

To Each AC Car user,Now this is very interesting & MUST READ , as it’s for HEALTH !…Car’s

manual says to roll down the windows to let out all the hot air before turning on the A/C. WHY

?

No wonder more folks are dying from cancer than ever before. We wonder where this stuff

comes from, but here is an example that

explains a lot of the cancer-causing incidents.

52


Many people are in their cars the first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night, 7 days a

week.

Please do NOT turn on A/C as soon as you enter the car.

Open the windows after you enter your car and then after a couple of minutes, turn ON the AC

.

Here’s why: According to research, the car’s dashboard, seats, a/c ducts, in fact ALL of the

plastic objects in your vehicle, emit Benzene,

a Cancer causing toxin. A BIG CARCINOGEN. Take the time to observe the smell of heated

plastic in your car when you open it,

and BEFORE you start it up.

In addition to causing cancer, Benzene poisons your bones, causes anaemia and reduces white

blood cells. Prolonged exposure can

cause Leukemia and increases the risk of some cancers. It can also cause miscarriages in

pregnant women.

The “acceptable” Benzene level indoors is: 50mg per sq.ft.

A car parked indoors, with windows closed, will contain 400-800 mg of Benzene – 8 times the

acceptable level.

If parked outdoors in the sun, at a temperature above 60 degrees F, the Benzene level goes up

to 2000-4000 mg, 40 times the acceptable level.

People who get into the car, keeping the windows closed, will eventually INHALE excessive

amounts of the BENZENE toxin.

Benzene is a toxin that affects your kidneys and liver. What’s worse, it is extremely difficult for

your body to expel this toxic stuff.

So friends, please open the windows and doors of your car – give it some time for the interior

to air out

-(dispel the deadly stuff) – before you enter the car

Save your health and tell others too…

-x-x-x-x-x-

53


Do Not Give PAN Number For Railway Reservation

Don’t give PAN number for railway Tatkal booking as proof of ID.

The Railways display the PAN. name, sex and age of passengers on reservation charts pasted

on railway compartments.

This is a boon for benami transactions. It is mandatory for traders like jewelers to collect tax

(TCS) from customers on purchase of jewelry worth Rs 5 lakh & bullion worth Rs 2 lakh.

To accommodate high net worth customers, traders have a easy source of benami PAN

numbers, name, sex and age from reserved railway compartments. A traveler recently noticed a

chap copying PAN particulars along with name, age and sex pasted on reserved compartments,

and when confronted with the help of railway police, he admitted that he gets Rs 10 per PAN

particulars from jewelers. These persons are copying PAN information of senior citizens, women

etc from sleeper class with the intention that passengers in sleeper class are not serious tax

payers and generally salaried class..

In that case the department will first initiate action from the tax payer’s side asking him to

explain the sources of money for the above transaction done in his name and also to prove that

he has not carried on the above transaction..

You may quote your driving license #, Voter ID # etc as your ID Proof but definitely not your

PAN.

Beware!!!!.

Spread this msg to all ur frndz and relatives.

-x-x-x-x-x-

54


Chapter 8

Not For Kids

This is Maths

Riya is 21 years older than her son Sonu. In 6 years from now, Riya will be 5 times as old as

Sonu.

Question : Where is Riya’s husband?

(There is a mathematical solution for this. Try it before scrolling down)

Solution :

Riya is 21 years older than Sonu (Child ).

Riya = Child + 21

In 6 years from now, riya will be 5 times as old as her Child.

Riya + 6 = ( child + 6 ) x 5

Child + 21 + 6 = ( Child + 6) x 5

Child + 27 = 5Child + 30

-3 = 4Child

Child = -3/4

The child is -3/4 years old, that is, -9 months

Child will be born in 9 months

So, right now, Riya’s Husband is..

ON TOP OF HER…

This is maths…

-x-x-x-x-x-

Indian And A Foreign Prostitute

An Indian goes to a foreign prostitute

55


She says: $100 in bed

$50 for sofa and $10 on grass

He hands over $100 to her she says :

“You are man of class”

Indian says :

“Class my Ass

.

.

.

10 times on the grass”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 8.1: Body Language

-x-x-x-x-x-

Best Adult Jokes

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember,

what I chose.

56


2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless

they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a

good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?

A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and

she was happy with the Thing……

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘ Don ‘t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their

wives!!

18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time.

-x-x-x-x-x-

57


Image 8.2: It Happens Only In India

-x-x-x-x-x-

Do you have a Vagina

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it’s the same man

and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home

she tell him what has happened for the last two days.

58


The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice,

“Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.

The husband whispers to the wife,

“Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen

and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question

because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks,

“Do you have a Vagina?”

“Yes I do.” says the lady.

The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband

to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Girl’s Complaint To A Policeman

Sexy Girl 2 Police Man: ‘Sir,

Yesterday a Man Raped Me.. First

He Tore My Saree.

Then He Removed My Blouse & Bra.

Then He Pressed My b@@bs.

He Sucked My Nipples

After that He Tore My Panty & then

Licked My Pussy for 20 Minutes.

Finally He Put His Penis Inside My

Pussy and Enjoyed.

After 20 Minutes He Entered His

Penis Into My “Ass”.

Finally He Spilled His “Sperm” On

59


My Breast Sir.

Police Man: What do you want me to do?

Should I lodge an “F.I.R” or masturbate?

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 8.3: The Dentist

-x-x-x-x-x-

Different Growth Stages Of Girls And Boys

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,

“Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,

“That’s because guys have balls and that weighs them down.”

60


The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,

“Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?”

Little Johnny countered by saying,

“That’s because girls get boobs,

and they are heavier than the guys’ balls.”

Seems logical to me also. I don’t know why was he thrown out…. !!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Robot As Sexy Secretary

Peter: Your secretary is very sexy…!

Tony: Thanks! It’s a robot actually,

named ” Maria ”

If you squeeze her right boob, she

takes dictation

& if you squeeze her left boob, she

types letters!

I’ll Lend it to you for a day & you

can see her functions….

Next day………….!!!!

Peter called Tony from hospital &

shouted: You bastard!

You didn’t tell me that the

”’ HOLE ”’ between Maria’s legs is a

pencil sharpener.

-x-x-x-x-x-

61


Chapter 9

Wonderful Facts

Never Underestimate The Power Of The Common Man

Today in India it’s unbelievable ……. The numbers are a little difficult to swallow… but

interesting nevertheless.

It was my regular train journey home from work.

I boarded the 18:50 pm train from church gate.

When the train was about to leave Marine Lines, a samosa vendor with an empty basket got on

and took the seat next to me. As the compartment was sparsely occupied and my destination

was still far away, I got into a conversation with him.

Me: “Seems like you’ve sold all your samosas today.”

Vendor (smiling): “Yes. By God’s grace, full sales today.”

Me: “I really feel sorry for you people. Don’t you get tired doing this tiresome job the whole

day?”

Vendor: “What to do, sir? Only by selling samosas like this every day do we get a commission of

75 paise for each samosa that we sell.”

Me: “Oh, is that so ? How many samosas do you sell on an average each day?”

Vendor: “On peak days, we sell 4,000 to 5,000 samosas per day. On an average, we sell about

3,000 samosas a day.”

I was speechless…..for a few seconds. The guy says he sells 3,000 samosas a day; at 75 paise

each, he makes about Rs 2,000 daily, or Rs 60,000 a month. OMG! I intensified my questioning

and this time it was not for time-pass.

Me: “Do you make the samosas yourself?”

Vendor: “No Sir. we get the samosas through a samosa manufacturer. We just sell them. After

selling we give him the money and gives us 75 paise for each samosa that we sell.”

I was unable to speak a single word more but the vendor continued…

62


“But one thing…; most of our earnings are spent on living expenses. Only with the remaining

money are we able to take care of other business.”

Me: “Other business? What is that?”

Vendor: “It is a land business. In 2007 I bought 1.5 acres in Palghar for Rs 10 lakh and I sold it

a few months back for 60 lakhs. Now I have bought land in Umroli for Rs 20 lakh.”

Me: “What did you do with the remaining amount?

Vendor: “Of the remaining amount, I have set aside 20 lakhs for my daughter’s wedding. I have

deposited the other 20 lakhs in the bank.”

Me: “How much schooling have you had?”

Vendor: “I studied up to third standard; I stopped my studies when I was in the 4th standard.

But I know how to read and write. Sir, there are many people like yourself who dress well, wear

a tie, wear shoes, speak English fluently and work in air-conditioned rooms. But I don’t think

you guys earn as much

as we do wearing dirty clothes and selling samosas.”

At this point, what could I reply. After all, I was talking to a Millionaire! The train chugged into

khar station and the samosa vendor got up from his seat.

Vendor: “Sir, this is my station…have a good day.”

Me: “Take care.”

What more is there to say…

Never underestimate the Power of the common man…

-x-x-x-x-x-

20 Facts That You Might Not Know

Did You Know….?

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.

2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3

years

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3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There’s a 9% chance that

you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime.

4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.

5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their

mother.

6. If a part of your body “falls asleep”,

you can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head.

7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – Food, attractive people and

danger

8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side

9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odour.

10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be

dead within 4 years.

11. There are so many kind of apples, that if you ate a new one everyday, it would take over 20

years to try them all.

12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.

13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.

14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.

15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia

16. Our brain uses same amount power as 10-watt light bulb!!

17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 mins to boil 1.5 litres of water!!

18. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!

19. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate

antidepressant.

20. Fwd this to everyone on your list to help them lead a happier life…

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-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 9.1: How To Eliminate Blindness From India

-x-x-x-x-x-

What A Team Spirit

New Zealand bowled 1135 balls in 3rd test match ,

Not even a single bouncer

Took all 20 wickets , Did not even celebrate a single wicket

Williamson didn’t celebrate his 50, 100 & 150

Mccullum didn’t celebrate his 100, 150 & 200

Mccullum Dedicated his double ton to Hughes

Played with jersey written ‘P.H’ on it

This Team has won million hearts as well as Test match

Everybody should respect this wonderful team!

What a team spirit!

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65


Arthakranti Proposal

What is Arthakranti Proposal and who has given the proposal?

“Arthakranti Proposal” has been given by a Pune (Maharashtra) based “Arthakranti Sansthan”

which is an Economic Advisory body constituted by a group of Chartered Accountants and

Engineers. This funda has been patented by the Sansthan.

Arthakranti Proposal is an effective and guaranteed solution of Black Money Generation, Price

rise and Inflation, Corruption, Fiscal Deficit, Unemployment, Ransom, GDP and industrial

growth, terrorism and good governance.

What is in the Proposal ?

“Arthakranti Proposal has FIVE point of actions simultaneously.

(1) Scrap all 56 Taxes including income tax excluding import duty.

(2) Recall and scrap high denomination currencies of 1000, 500 and 100 rupees.

(3) All high value transaction to be made only through banking system like cheque, DD, online

and electronic.

(4) Fix limit of cash transaction and no taxing on cash transaction.

(5) For Govt. revenue collection introduce single point tax system through banking system –

Banking Transaction Tax (2% to 0.7%) on only Credit Amount

Important Points to note:

(1) As on today total banking transaction is more than 2.7 lakh crores per day say more than

800 lakh crores annually.

(2) Less than 20% transaction is made through banking system as on today and more than

80% transaction made in cash only, which is not traceable.

(3) 78% of Indian population spend less than 20/- rupees daily why they need 1000/- rupee

note.

What will happen if All FIFTY SIX Taxes including income tax scrapped :

(1) Salaried people will bring home more money which will increase purchasing power of the

family.

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(2) All commodities including Petrol, Diesel, FMCG will become cheaper by 35% to 52% .

(3) No question of Tax evasion so no black money generation.

(4) Business sector will get boosted. So self-employment.

What will happen if 1000/ 500/ 100 Rupees currency notes recalled and scrapped :

(1) Corruption through cash will stopped 100%.

(2) Black money will be either converted to white or will vanish as billions of 1000/500/100

currency notes hidden in bags without use will become simple pieces of papers.

(3) Unaccounted hidden huge cash is skyrocketing the prices of properties, land, houses,

jewellery etc and hard earned money is losing its value; this trend will stop immediately.

(4) Kidnapping and ransom, “Supari killing” will stop.

(5) Terrorism supported by cash transaction will stop.

(6) Cannot buy high value property in cash showing very less registry prices.

(7) Circulation of “Fake Currency” will stop because fake currency printing for less value notes

will not be viable.

What will happen when Banking Transaction Tax (2% to 0.7%) is implemented :

(1) As on today if BTT is implemented govt can fetch 800 x 2% = 16 lakh crore where as

current taxing system is generating less than 14 lakh crore revenue.

(2)When 50% of total transaction will be covered by BTT sizing 2000 to 2500 lakh crores, Govt

will need to fix BTT as low as 1% to 0.7% and this will boost again banking transaction many

fold.

(3) No separate machinery like income tax department will be needed and tax amount will

directly deposited in State/Central/District administration account immediately.

(4) As transaction tax amount will be very less, public will prefer it instead paying huge amount

against directly/indirectly FIFTY SIX taxes.

(5) There will be no tax evasion and govt will get huge revenue for development and

employment generation.

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(6) For any special revenue for special projects, govt can slightly raise BTT say from 1% to

1.2% and this 0.2% increase will generate 4,00,000 crores additional fund.

Effect of if implemented today :

(01) Prices of all things will come down.

(02) Salaried people will get more cash in hand.

(03) Purchasing power of Society will increase.

(04) Demand will boost, so will production and industrialization and ultimately more

employment opportunity for youth.

(05) Surplus revenue to the govt for effective health/ education/ infrastructure/ security/ social

works.

(06) Cheaper and easy loans from banks, interest rate will come down.

(07) Tendency of society will changes from scarcity to quantity.

(08) Spare money for political system for clean politics,

(09) Prices of land/ property will come down,

(10) No need to export beef to cover up trade deficit

(11) Sufficient fund for research and development.

(12) Society will be free from “Bad elements”.

-x-x-x-x-x-

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Image 9.2: Three Apples

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Useful Tips That Might Help In Day-To-Day Life

Must read very useful:

SOMETHING YOU

MIGHT HAVE NOT

KNOWN And NEED

TO KNOW !!

Ants Problem:

Ants hate Cucumbers.

“KEEP the skin of

Cucumbers near the

Place where they are

or at Ant Hole.

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To make the Mirror

Shine:

“Clean with Sprite”

To remove Chewing

Gum from Clothes:

“Keep the Cloth in

the Freezer for One

Hour”

To Whiten White

Clothes:

“Soak White Clothes

in hot water with a

Slice of Lemon for 10

Minutes”

To give a Shine to

your Hair:

“Add one Teaspoon

of Vinegar to Hair,

then wash Hair”

To get maximum

Juice out of Lemons:

“Soak Lemons in Hot

Water for One Hour,

and then juice them”

To avoid smell of

Cabbage while

cooking:

“Keep a piece of

Bread on the

Cabbage in the

Vessel while cooking”

To remove Ink from

Clothes:

“Put Toothpaste

on the Ink Spots

generously and let it

dry completely, then

70


wash”

To get rid of Mice or

Rats:

“Sprinkle Black

Pepper in places

where you find Mice &

Rats. They will run

away”

Take Water Before

Bedtime..

“About 90% of Heart

Attacks occur Early in

the Morning & it can

be reduced if one

takes a Glass or two

of Water before going

to bed at Night”

We Know Water is

important but never

knew about the

Special Times one

has to drink it.. !!

Did you know ???

Drinking Water at the

Right Time

Maximizes its

effectiveness on the

Human Body;

1 1 Glass of Water

after waking up -

helps to

activate internal

organs..

2 1 Glass of Water

30 Minutes

before a Meal –

helps digestion..

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3 1 Glass of Water

before taking a

Bath – helps

lower your blood

pressure.

4 1 Glass of Water

before going to

Bed – avoids

Stroke or Heart

Attack.

Chinese Proverb Says:

‘When someone

shares something of

value with you and

you benefit from it,

You have a moral

obligation to share it

with others too.’

I have done mine…

-x-x-x-x-x-

72


Chapter 10

Quotes

Name of God

BERNARD SHAW while smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and

said:’God, that’s for you.’

He died at the age of 32 of LUNG CANCER in a horrible manner.

The man who built the Titanic

After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the Titanic would be.

With an ironic tone he said:

‘Not even God can sink it’

The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic

Marilyn Monroe (Actress)

She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show.

He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her.

After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said:

‘I don’t need your God’.

A week later, she was found dead in her apartment

Bon Scott (Singer)

The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:

‘Don’t stop me; I’m going down all the way, down the highway to hell’.

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On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he had been choked by his own

vomit.

Campinas (IN 2005)

In Campinas , Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend…..

The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of her

friends and she said to the daughter holding her hand, who was already seated in the car:

‘My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You.’

She responded: ‘Only If He (God) Travels In The Trunk, Cause Inside Here…..It’s Already Full ‘

Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died,

the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the trunk was

intact.

The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact. To their surprise, inside

the trunk was a crate of eggs, none was broken

Christine Hewitt (Jamaican Journalist and entertainer) said the Bible (Word of God) was the

worst book ever written.

In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle.

Many more important have forgotten that there is no other name that was given so much

authority as the name of God.

Many have died, but only God appeared again, and is still alive & around ..

‘Great ..!!

-x-x-x-x-x-

74


Image 10.1: Forgiveness

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Wonderful Quotes

Never Tell Ur Problems to all, 20% will not Care

& 80% will be Glad that U have Them.

************************

Life is similar to Boxing Game. Defeat is not Declared when U Fall Down. It is Declared when U

Refuse to Get Up.

************************

Always WRONG PERSONS Teach the RIGHT LESSONS in Life. That is called LIFE EXPERIENCE.

************************

Faith is taking the 1st Step, even when U dont see the whole Staircase.

************************

Keep Ur Face to the Sun, & U will not see the Shadow.

************************

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Everything is Valuable only at 2 Times:

1: Before Getting It.

2: After Losing It.

************************

2 Things bring Happiness & Success

in Life:

1: The way U Manage

when U have Nothing.

&

2: The way U Behave

when U have Everything.

************************

2 Places are most Valuable in the World:

1: The NICEST Place is to be in Someone’s Thoughts.

&

2: The SAFEST Place is to be in Someone’s Prayers.

************************

‘FEAR’ has 2 Meanings:

1: Forget Everything & Run.

&

2: Face Everything & Rejoice.

Choice is Ours.

************************

ATTITUDE at its Best:

“My BACK is not a VOICE MAIL.

Kindly Say whatever U have by FACING ME”.

************************

What is SUCCESS ?

SUCCESS is, when Ur Photo’s are Uploaded on ‘GOOGLE’ instead of FACEBOOK.

************************

‘EGO’ is the only Requirement

to Destroy any Relationship.

Be a Bigger Person,

Skip the ‘E’ & let it ‘GO’.

************************

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Do U know why God did not give Us

the Gift to Read Other’s Mind ?

So that, We could have the Chances to

‘TRUST’ & Privilege to be ‘TRUSTED’.

************************

As long as We do not Forgive People

who have Hurt Us,

They Occupy a ‘RENT-FREE-SPACE’

in our Mind.

************************

Always keep Hoping for Good.

Keep a Green Tree in Ur Heart.

The Singing Birds will Automatically come.

************************

If U Walk the Way guided by Humans,

U will find a Hopeless End.

BUT

If U will Walk the Way guided by GOD,

U will find Endless Hopes & Opportunities.

************************

GOD always likes to know again & again

what U want.

It is not that He Forgets Ur

Dreams & Prayers,

But He Loves to Check Ur Passion

towards Ur Desire.

That is why He wants U to have Ur

‘QUIET TIME’ which We call as

‘PRAYER TIME’ with Him every day.

************************

I asked GOD: If everything is already Written in Destiny,

then why should I Pray ?

GOD Smiled & said: I have also Written

‘CONDITIONS APPLY’.

************************

77


Empty Pockets Teach

Millions of Things in Life.

BUT

Full Pockets Spoil Us in Million Ways.

************************

TRUST is like a Sticker.

Once it is Removed, it may Stick again,

but not as Strong as it Holds

when U First Applied.

************************

Always take Care of RELATIONS.

Thats why they say, when U are in Doubt,

‘SILENCE’ is the Best Policy.

************************

Never Win People with Arguments.

rather Defeat Them with Ur Smile.

Because People who always Wish to

Argue with U, cannot Bear Ur SILENCE.

************************

If a Drop of Water falls on a Lake,

its Identity is Lost.

BUT

If a Drop of Water falls on a Lotus Leaf,

it Shines like a Pearl.

Drop is the Same,

but the ‘COMPANY’ matters.

************************

Our HOPES should be like HAIR & NAILS.

No matter how many times they get Cut,

but they never stop Growing.

That is why they say,

Always Hope for the Best,

however Bad the Situation may be.

************************

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‘MEMORIES’ are always Special.

Sometimes, We Laugh by

Remembering the days We Cried.

&

Sometimes, We Cry by

Remembering the days We Laughed.

That’s LIFE.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 10.2: Lesson Of Time

-x-x-x-x-x-

All good will come back to you

Sometimes You are Unsatisfied with Your Life, while many people in this world are Dreaming of

Living Your Life..

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A Child on a Farm sees a Plane fly overhead & Dreams of Flying

‘But,

A Pilot on the Plane sees the Farmhouse & Dreams of Returning Home.

That’s Life!! Enjoy Yours…

If wealth is the secret to happiness, then the rich should be dancing on the streets.

But only poor kids do that.

If power ensures security, then officials should walk unguarded.

But those who live simply, sleep soundly.

If beauty and fame bring ideal relationships, then celebrities should have the best marriages.

Live simply. Walk humbly..and Love genuinely..! All good will come back to you...

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 10.3: Definition Of Opportunist

-x-x-x-x-x-

80


10 Quotes on married life

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.

2. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

3. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

4. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you

want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

5. When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-

defense.

6. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man

looks happy, we wonder why.

7. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and

now he is going through hell.

8. Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

9. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

10. The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a

blind woman. — S. T. Coleridge

-x-x-x-x-x-

81


Image 10.4: Good Morning Message

-x-x-x-x-x-

Beautiful Message!

Stay away from Anger..

It hurts ..Only You!

If you are right then there is no need to get angry,

And if you are wrong then you don’t have any right to get angry.

Patience with family is love,

Patience with others is respect.

Patience with self is confidence and Patience with GOD is faith.

Never Think Hard about the PAST, It brings Tears…

Don’t think more about the FUTURE, It brings Fear…

Live this Moment with a Smile,It brings Cheer.

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Every test in our life makes us bitter or better,

Every problem comes to make us or break us,

The choice is ours whether we become victims or victorious.

Beautiful things are not always good but good things are always beautiful

Do you know why God created gaps between fingers?

So that someone who is special to you comes and fills those gaps by holding your hand forever.

Happiness keeps You Sweet..But being sweet brings happiness.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 10.5: Keep Smiling

-x-x-x-x-x-

83


Chapter 11

Santa Banta

Sardar Jokes Bonanza

Sardars are back

A Sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C.

After seeing the Form he went to Delhi for filling it up.

You know why?

Form said: ‘Fill Up In Capital.’

Sardarji standing below a tube light with open mouth.

Why?

Because his doctor advised him: ‘Today’s dinner should be light !’

1 sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.

You know why?

Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking.

On romantic date sardar’s gf asks him:

‘Darling ! On our engagement will you give me a ring?’

He said: ‘Sure ! What’s your phone no.?’

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever.

What will come first, chicken or egg?

Oye Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

Teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.

All were busy writing except one Sardarji

He wrote:’Due To Rain, No Match!’

What does a sardar do after taking a Xerox?

He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.

Why can’t sardars dial Nine-Eleven (911) at emergency?

They cannot find the eleven on the phone.

Sardar & wife buy coffee in a shop.

Sardar: Drink quickly before it gets cold.

84


Wife: Why?

Sardar: Hot coffee $5 and cold coffee $10.

Sardar at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible luking thing is what you call modern art?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror!

What happens when a Sardarni delivers twins????

The Sardar does not sleep whole night, thinking who is the father of second child…

Interviewer: what is your birth date?

Sardar: 13th October

Which year?

Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe___ EVERY YEAR

Manager asked sardar at an interview.

Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?

Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,

Do I look like a foreigner?

Wife: No! Why?

Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:

Any great man born in this village???

Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!

Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi

So Sardar writes, “Gandhi was a great man, but I don’t know who is Jayanthi.

Interviewer: just imagine you are on the3rd floor, it caught fire

and how will you escape?

Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?

Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status

Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..

Friend: How do u know?

Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!

Sardar: Wow!!! That’s an unbelievable exchange offer!!!

85


Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay ..

While its landing he shouted: ” Bombay .. Bombay ”

Air hostess said: “B silent.”

Sardar: “Ok.. Ombay. Ombay”

Teacher: “What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?”

Sardar: “All are born on government holidays…!!!

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?

Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE..

-x-x-x-x-x-

Pure Virgin Wool

Shopkeeper: This sweater’s made of pure virgin wool sir.

Santa: You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.

Just tell me, will it keep me warm?

-x-x-x-x-x-

86


Chapter 12

Teacher-Student

Image 12.1: Newton’s Law Of Exam

-x-x-x-x-x-

Great Mathematics Calculation

Math’s Teacher: If you have 12 Chocolates and you

–

–

Give 5 to Lela, 3 to Anita and 4 to Julia

87


–

–

Then what will u get????

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Student: 3 New Girlfriends Mam!!!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 12.2: How To Study

-x-x-x-x-x-

Pappu Questions Teacher

Teacher: At the beginning of the world, there were only two humans. One is Adam and the

other is Eve.

Pappu: Are you sure sir?

Teacher: Yes.

88


Pappu: I think you were also present there at the beginning of the world sir.

Sir: Of course not Pappu.

Pappu: Then how could you dare to tell that there were only two humans… sir.!!

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 12.3: Murder Of English

-x-x-x-x-x-

89


Chapter 13

Thought Provoking

Six Easy Ways To Earn Even After Death

1. Give a (Holy Book) to someone. Each time one reads from it, you gain.

2. Donate a wheelchair to a hospital. Each time a sick person uses it, you gain.

3. Participate in building a Temple, hospital, school or college. Anybody uses it, you gain.

4. Place a water cooler in a public place. Anybody drinks water, you gain.

5. Plant a tree. You gain whenever a person or animal sits in its shade or eats from it.

6. And the easiest of all is to share this message with people. Even if one applies any of the

above, you gain.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 13.1: Superb Thought

90


Lesson On Religion By A Cab Driver

A devout Arab Muslim got into a cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio

because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of

the prophet there was no music, especially Western music, which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab

Muslim asked him, “What are you doing????

The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, no bombs, no plane

hijacks, no west invented loud speakers in mosques that woke up newly born , elderly n d sick

at unearthly hours , no suicide attacks, no RDX, no AK 56, only ”peace” everywhere. So shut up

and wait for a camel.”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 13.2: Salute Your Duty

-x-x-x-x-x-

91


Speech by Sundar Pichai

A beautiful speech by Sundar Pichai – an IIT-MIT Alumnus and Global Head Google Chrome:

The cockroach theory for self development

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady.

She started screaming out of fear.

With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands

desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.

Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but …it landed on another lady in the

group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.

In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his

shirt.

When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the

restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few

thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach

responsible for their histrionic behavior?

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?

He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the

cockroach that disturbed the ladies.

I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but

it’s my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

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It’s not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance

caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.

More than the problem, it’s my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story:

I understood, I should not react in life.

I should always respond.

The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of.

A beautiful way to understand…………LIFE.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 13.3: Message From Wife

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What Are Your Qualifications?

A church in London had rules that it would not employ anyone, without formal high school

education. The old pastor was benign and not a stickler of rules.

He allowed Alfred Dunhill (who lacked formal education) as the caretaker to clean the pews,

sweep the floor and keep the podium spick and span.

Dunhill had put off taking his high school examination till it became too late. Once the old

pastor retired, he was replaced by a younger person who followed the rule book.

As he came to know about the caretaker’s education, he issued a notice to him that either he

should get a high school certificate in six months or he should resign.

Dunhill knew that you could not teach an old dog new tricks and that he had no option but to

resign. He started out his afternoon stroll in deep thought and got into Bond Street. Suddenly,

he felt an urge to smoke. He could not find a single tobacco shop on the entire street.

He walked further down into a side street where he could purchase his cigarette. He came back

to the busy Bond Street. He realized that a small cigarette shop in the street would be a sound

business proposition.

He resigned at the church and started a small shop on Bond Street which prospered way

beyond his expectations. He noticed that many of his customers were coming from the other

side of the street. He started another shop on that side of Bond Street. The two shops

multiplied to four and then sixteen.

In three years, Alfred Dunhill Co. was a leading tobacconist in England. He started machine-

rolling cigarettes and introduced his own brand of Dunhill cigarettes. In five years, he was a

millionaire many over.

To ensure a consistent supply of tobacco, he entered into an annual purchase agreement with a

couple of American tobacco farmers and went across to America to meet them. It was a big

boost for the American tobacco farmers and the contract signing ceremony was converted into

a media circus, with a Senator and Governor participating.

When the contracts were actually signed, Dunhill affixed his thumb impression because he had

not learnt to sign his name.

The Governor was impressed and said, “Well Sir! This is awesome. Even without a formal

education you have achieved so much. Just imagine what would you have done if you had a

formal education!”

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Dunhill’s characteristic often repeated reply was, “If I knew how to read and write, I would still

be sweeping the church!”

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 13.4: Be Mindful Of Self-Talk

-x-x-x-x-x-

A SOLDIER’S FATHER

By : WING CMDR VENKI IYER

EPISODE

~~ The helicopter appeared over the late morning horizon. We were to receive Mr Lachhman

Singh Rathore who was visiting our Flight Unit to perform the last rites of his son, Flying Officer

Vikram Singh.

~~ Only the day before, I had sent the telegram, “Deeply regret to inform that your son Flying

Officer Vikram Singh lost his life in a flying accident early this morning. Death was

instantaneous.” It was the first time for me- to meet and manage the bereaved next of kin, in

this case the Father of the brave officer.

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~~ While most of the desolate family members insist on seeing the body, many a time there

isn’t a body to show !! Flying Officer Vikram Singh’s remains were only a few kilos –scrapped

from what was left in the cockpit. We had to weigh the wooden coffin with wood and earth.

~~The pilot brought the helicopter to a perfect touchdown. Soon Mr Lachhman Singh Rathor

was helped down the ladder.A small and frail man he was, maybe of 80 years, clad in an

immaculate dhoti.

~~As I approached him, he asked in a quiet and dignified whisper, “Are you Venki, the Flight

Commander?” “Yes Sir.” “Vikram had spoken to me about you. I’d like to speak to you alone for

a minute.”

~~ We walked to the edge of the concrete apron. ‘I have lost a son, and you have lost a friend.

I’m sure that you have taken great care in arranging the funeral. Please tell me when and

where you want my presence and what you want me to do. I’ll be there for everything. Later, I

would like to meet Vikram’s friends, see his room and, if it is permitted, visit his work place. I

then would like to return home tomorrow morning.”

~~A commander couldn’t have given me clearer instructions.

~~The funeral, with full military honours, was concluded by late afternoon. After the final

echoes of the ‘Last Post’ faded away, Lachhman Singh spent the evening talking to the

Squadron Pilots. Vikram’s roommate took him to see Vikram’s room. Lachhman Singh desired to

spend the night in his son’s room instead of the guest house we had reserved for him. Early

next morning after a tour of the squadron area, my boss took him to his office.

~~A while later, the staff car took Lachhman Singh to the civil airfield two hours away.

~~As the car disappeared round the corner, I remarked to my Boss, “A brave man he is. Spoke

to me like a General when he told me exactly what he expected from us during his stay here. I

have never seen a more composed man on such an occasion. I admire him.”

~~ “Yes, Mr Lachhman Singh Rathore is a warrior in his own way. He sired three sons and has

laid to rest all three of them.

~~ His first son Captain Ghanshyam Singh of the Gurkha Rifles was killed in Ladakh in 1962

War. His second son, Major Bir Singh, died along the Ichogil Canal in 1965 in an ambush. His

youngest, Vikram Singh, who had the courage to join the Air Force, is also gone now.

He had given more to our country than All of us combined.”

~~Yes, he is indeed a brave Indian ; in fact HE is MORE INDIAN than anyone else – His

sacrifice can never ever be repaid by the Country !! He is almost a Martyr himself !!

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~~ But our Great Nation does Not know this simple Giant — India only knows that Super Rich

Cricketers need to be conferred BHARAT RATNA while a bunch of actors and actresses need to

be conferred PADMA VIBHUSHANs and PADMASHREEs !!

~~ But what about the ‘ Losers ‘ ?? Those who have SIMPLY LOST their EVERYTHING to the

Nation. Like this Father of Three Brave Soldiers.

—————-

PLEASE DO PASS THIS ON TO EVERY SINGLE POLITICIAN, BUREAUCRAT AND EVERY INDIAN

CITIZEN WHO DOES NOT HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER IN THE ARMED FORCES.

-x-x-x-x-x-

Image 13.5: Thank You

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