THE PROCESS OF MARRIAGE FROM ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVE

Presented By:

SUKANTO

INTERNATIONAL ISLAMIC UNIVERSITY OF MALAYSIA

2013/1014

Introduction.

Marriage under Islamic law is the nature of a civil

contract in that it is based on offer ( Ijab ) and acceptance

( Qabul ) between the parties. However it is also an act

commended by the qur’an and the Sunnah of the Prophet (s.a.w),

and the relationship between spouses is mentioned as among

Allah Signs or blessing to mankind :

And among His Signs in this, that He created for you spouses from among

yourselves, that you dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy

between your ( hearts ).

Surah Ar-Rum 30:21

The prophet (s.a.w) encouraged young man who can support a

wife to marry, and since poverty, though not necessarily a

barrier to marriage, may cause certain practical difficulties

in the way of getting marriage, advised those who cannot

afford it to resort to voluntary fasting as way to control

sexual desire:

Alqama reported: Allah’s messenger (peace be upon him) said: O young men, those

among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes from casting

( evil glances ), and preserves one from immorality, but those who cannot should

devote themselves to fasting for it is means for controlling sexual desire.

Sahih Muslim Kitab An-Nikah Vol. II :3131.

Marriage in Islam does not have the Christian notions of

sacrament as the concept of sacrament implies the

indissolubility of the marital bond, as well as officially by

a priest and benediction of the wedding ceremony as an

essential element to validate the matrimonial union. The

essential elements for a valid Muslim marriage are more

contractual rather than ceremonial or sacramental in

character. like any other contract, a marriage contract can

only be concluded through the two pillars of offer and

acceptance by the two principals or their proxies. There are

more perceptions about the marriage.

Marriage in Islam is Mainly, but not purely in the nature of a

civil contract. A Muslim marriage is essentially a contract

between two parties, but it is contract with significant

religious, moral and spiritual overtones.

Definition of Marriage.

The most commonly accepted definition of marriage is a

process of union between two people to produce a family. In

almost all societies, there are rules that determine the

proper choice of partner such as exogamy, endogamy, etc.

Exogamy suggested that a couple should be from two different

groups, while endogamy suggested that the couple must be from

one same group of the society. In an attempt to understand the

definition of marriage, one must also consider the existence

of perspective/proscriptive points of view. In terms of

exogamy and endogamy, perspective /prospective may emphasize

on social, race, class, caste, or even residential groups.

Although, it is usually heterosexual, the above definition of

marriage does not suggest so. There are some exceptions in

both ancient and modern cultures. In particular tribe in west

Africa, a woman is allowed to marry another of the same sex,

in the modern world, some states or country allow marriage of

the same sex also. However, the function of marriage is more

or less the same regardless of the type, as indicated in the

previous mention definition of marriage, the main function is

to produce a family, but not necessarily biological family.

There are some differences in the definition of marriage in

every society. It seems that marriage is merely social,

however in reality marriage is also involve economic

exchanges. If the woman is highly valued, the man is possibly

required to provide valuable goods in exchange for the women’s

family. The same principal applies when a men is highly

valued. As social sciences grow, the definition of marriage

also evolve, marriage is no longer an obligatory, but it is

triggered by the needs of companionship, sexual regulation,

social status, affection, and more, lines of descendants

( family tree ) may also be included in the consideration.

Marriage in Western Country ( Conventional Societies )

Wedding is a celebration in which couples begin their married life.

Concept and customs of marriage varies between countries, religions,

casts, cultures. Marriage also depends on economic condition of

bride and grooms family. But both Eastern and western marriages has

its own importance. Nuptial is the common adjective of "wedding"

used in zoology.

Wedding rings or wedding vows symbolizes the Western wedding,

whereas wedding chain symbolizes the Eastern wedding. There are many

differences between Eastern and western wedding for example

differences in wedding reception, wedding halls, wedding party and

many other things.

Wedding reception is very common in western wedding ceremonies.

Sometimes receptions are arranged after wedding, some times before.

Commonly receptions arrange in evening times. Dinner in reception is

quite different from other dinners. Western wedding include dance,

music, orchestras, poetry, prayer.

Some traditions of Western wedding represents the bride's and her

father's relationship and her relationship with new family. Some

traditions symbolizes the relationship between husband and wife.

Modern couples are not giving importance to these tradition. Day by

day these customs are vanishing.

Wedding rings plays very big role in every western marriage. Wedding

rings are the sign of expressing one's love and affection to his

beloved. It is the symbol of faith and confidence. The moment of

exchanging Wedding rings between bride and groom is unforgotten

memory in their life. It symbolizes future relationship of couples.

Best man concept is commonly associated with western weddings,

especially in British tradition. Best man is responsible to present

wedding rings during the symbolic moment of exchange of ring/s

between the bride and the groom in front of all guests at wedding

hall.

In western countries, wedding is a great moment which gives a new

life to both bride and groom. Marriage is a precursor to parenthood,

taking the promise of a new generation. This precious moment is

embedded with traditions, customs, celebrations including engagement

and wedding receptions.

In respect to dress of bride, white plays an important role in

ritual of wedding in western culture. As new designs of wedding

gowns are available, today brides may attracted towards these

designs that do not look very traditional. However, the tradition of

wearing wedding gowns in western weddings, has unchanged. There are

different types of Wedding are followed in western culture. They are

Double wedding, Destination wedding, weekend wedding, white wedding,

military wedding, civil wedding, sneak wedding etc.

Double wedding is a single celebration where two arranged couples

meet for two continuous marriages. In some of the countries like

Philippines, Indonesia marriage of two siblings in a year is

recognized as unfortunate and it is declared as "sukob". A marriage

in which couple and their guests travel from one place to another to

attend the ceremony is known as Destination wedding. This type of

weddings are arranged in beaches in the Caribbean islands. It is a

type of wedding in which couples and all their invited guests

celebrate the ceremony during the weekend is known as weekend

wedding. Commonly golf tournaments are arranged in weekend weddings

to entertain guests. The name indicates the color of the wedding

gown, which was highly popular in Victorian period which represent

the purity and innocence of childhood. As grown white color

symbolizes virginity.

A military wedding is a marriage held at a military chapel. In

almost all military weddings the groom wear a military uniform.

Military soldiers and their family members commonly opt for a

military wedding.

Wedding ceremony presided over by ministers, judges, mayors and

other civil authorities or any great personalities. Civil wedding

commonly takes place in local cities, town halls or in front of

judge in court yards. Marrying without consent or approval of

parents or others is known as Sneak wedding

The Proses of Marriage in Muslim Society.

Badui’s Process of marriage in Egypt

The Bedouins of Egypt live mainly in two major locations, the

Western Desert with the five major oases: Siwa to the North,

Bahareya, Farfra, Kharga, and Dakhla, and the Bedouins of Sinai. The

population of the Bedouins of Egypt is estimated to be more than

700, 000 people, representing slightly less than 1% of the whole

Egyptian population. The Egyptian Government has recently given

attention to the needs of the population of the Bedouins and they

started establishing development programs for themThe Bedouins are

famous for their strict traditions that would seem strange to many

people. Among the most interesting habits of the Bedouins are the

marriage ceremony rituals and preparations.

The marriage rituals are different from one Bedouin community to

another. It is even sometimes different from one tribe to another

inside the same community. However, some of these traditions may

appear similar to the marriage customs of the modern community in

some senses.We will try to shed some light on some of the traditions

of the Bedouins concerning marriage and the preparations for the

wedding ceremony.   

The choice of the groom

The Bedouin lady, just like any other woman, dreams of her wedding

day, her groom, and her wedding ceremony. However, maybe the Bedouin

women are less opportune than other women around the world.

According to the Bedouins community, when the girl grows up and

reaches the age of marriage, the priority is for her cousin to marry

her. Bedouins have an old saying "her cousin will help her step down

from her horse" as it is a part of the wedding traditions in the

Bedouin community that the bride rides a horse or a camel that

transfers her to the house of her groom during the wedding ceremony

and he has to help her step down the horse.

In some cases, men get interested in women that are not their

relatives, as men in the tribe see other women while they are

getting water or firewood for the use of their family members.

However, the cousin always has the priority to marry the woman.In

the case the woman does not have a cousin, she can marry someone

else after the her father gives his consentEven if the woman does

not approve of marrying her cousin, she usually agrees out of

respect to her father's wish.

The groom's visit to the bride's house

The groom, accompanied by his father and some of the men belonging

to the same tribe, visit the father of the bride at his home to

request to marry his daughter.

One of the important traditions of the Bedouins is to present coffee

to their guests at home. When the coffee is offered to the father of

the groom, he has to put the cup on the ground and clarifies that he

came to ask the owner of the house, the father of the bride, to

enable his son to marry the owner of the house's daughter. The

father of the bride does not drink the coffee until his request is

approved. Then, he drinks the coffee with all the members of the

house singing and chanting happily because their daughter is

officially getting married now.  

The dowry

After approving the request of the father of the groom, both parties

agree on the dowry which usually consists of golden jewelry that the

groom offers to his bride. Sometimes, the groom adds some camels and

calves to the dowry to make the bride feel secure concerning her

future, the same as modern day women do in order to feel protected

from any future problems and to enable them to take care of their

family and children if any unexpected events take place. Kinship

usually is a significant matter in identifying the dowry. When the

woman is marrying her cousin, usually her father accepts much less

than what he would have accepted from another man who is not their

relative. 

Preparations of the bride

One of the duties of the women of the family of the groom is to get

the bride the cloth for her wedding ceremony dress. Furthermore, a

lady from the family of the groom, usually the mother, has to design

the wedding dress and knit it. They also bring the bride perfumes

and any other items she requires for marriage.The Bedouin bride has

to wear the dress sewed for her wedding day and it is usually an

attractive dress made out of red or green silk.

The bride wears the "Arga" or the golden face cover that hides her

facial features from the people attending the wedding ceremony. She

puts traditional Arab eyeliner, "Kohel" to highlight the beauty of

her eyes and she puts on valuable perfumes and odors.

The Henna Night

The Henna Night is the real beginning of the celebrations of the

wedding. This is the night when the groom gets his hands and legs

ornamented with Henna. Many friends and relatives gather in the

house of the groom to participate in this event

Women who are members of both families participate together in

putting Henna on the hands and the legs of the bride as it is

considered the major makeup tool of the Bedouin bride. This is an

important tradition of the wedding preparations   

Rituals of the Bedouin Wedding Ceremony

The Bedouins usually have the habit to choose the 14th or the 15th

day of the lunar month, the Moslem calendar, to organize the wedding

ceremony to have the sky lit brightly with the full moon.The family

of the groom starts slaughtering the sheep in the morning of the

wedding ceremony as a celebration of this special event and in order

to offer their guests with a delicious meal. The youth of the family

are habitually responsible for this task.

The older members of the family of the groom have another task. They

start welcoming their guests at the family house. All the important

leaders of the tribe gather, drink coffee and tea, and present their

congratulations and gifts to the groom and his father.The ladies of

the two families get together in the house of the father of the

bride. They all start chanting and making the "Zaghareed", the

joyful sounds Arab women make with their mouths in happy celebration

events.As soon as the food is ready, the youth of the two families

start transferring it to the house of the father of the groom and

they start organizing the table for the guests. The dishes usually

consist of Fetta with rice, red sauce, and pieces of different kinds

of meats.

The Bedouin bride sits on top of a camel while the ladies of the two

families surround her and sing for her. They all start moving until

they reach the house of the newly married couple. When the bride

touches the ground of her house for the first time, a sheep has to

be slaughtered as a blessing presented to her. As soon as the bride

enters her room in her new house, her friends follow her and they

all start celebrating all night.Each Bedouin community or oasis has

some specific marriage traditions that are different from other

Bedouin communities spread all over Egypt.

In the Dakhla Oasis

One of the traditions of the wedding ceremonies taking place in the

Dakhla Oasis, although it has declined a lot because of economic

factors, is the celebrations of the calves. This event occurs at the

noon of the wedding day when all the people of the tribe gather

their calves, which will be slaughtered, in the largest square of

the village.They position the claves in a circular shape with

colorful pieces of cloth put around their necks. The claves start to

dance to the beats of the drums the people play. All the people

would attend this event as it is considered one of the most

important rituals of the wedding day in the Dakhla Oasis.

Another interesting habit of the inhabitants of the Dakhla Oasis is

that the mother of the bride has to send a breakfast and a lunch

meal to her daughter everyday starting with her first day of

marriage and for a whole week afterwards.These meals have to contain

considerable amounts of stuffed pigeons, especially in the lunch

meal that includes ten stuffed pigeons. The number reaches 71

pigeons in the seventh day of marriage. A stranger habit is that the

family of the groom is prohibited to participate in cooking for the

dinner of the newly married couple.

The Bahareya Oasis

In the Bahareya Oasis, the wedding ceremony goes on for two

consecutive days. The family of the groom has to provide lunch and

dinner to all the people living in the village. The food is to be

put on a round wooden table with eight guests gathering around each

table. The older member of these eight guests is the one that has to

cut the meat in equal proportions for the others.Another feature of

the wedding preparations in the Bahareya Oasis is the "Fateha" when

the father of the groom and the father of the bride have the basic

agreement concerning the marriage of their son and daughter.

The family of the bride has to invite the family members of the

groom for dinner that includes all types of various food and

different dishes that contain a stuffed turkey. A very weird

characteristic of this event is that the groom is prohibited to

attend it because he comes with a number of his friends and

relatives for his own dinner party in the following day.The friends

of the groom have to pay him some money as a compliment that he is

getting married.  The newest feature of the Bedouin wedding

preparation is that the bride puts a modernly equipped mobile phone

inside the turkey that is presented to the groom.

The Siwa Oasis

Due to its remote location and cultural difference, the people of

the Siwa are distinguished among other oasis with some special

habits concerning the wedding ceremony and the preparations for

it.The bride has to prepare 45 handmade dresses embroidered with

silk for her wedding ceremony. These dresses are used in three

different consecutive occasions. The first is the wedding night, the

second is the morning of the first day of marriage, and the third

occasion would be the seventh night of marriage, with 15 dresses

used in each occasion.

Another event among the wedding preparations the Siwans marriage

celebrations is the breaking of the firewood that will be used to

cook for the wedding ceremony meal. All the youth of the town

participate in this event as a compliment to the groom as they

gather in front of his house and start breaking the firewood while

singing and chanting. 

Another strange habit of the Siwans is that the groom has to present

his mother in law with palm flames or what they call it the hearts

of some palms. The friends of the groom has to cut out more than 20

palms and they break them into little pieces getting the heart of

each palm and collecting them all together to give to their friend,

who in turn gives them to his mother in law.

Another important event takes place in the first morning day of

marriage when all the youth and children of the village gather in a

garden or an open yard to compete in different games. The family of

the groom has to present gifts and presents to the winners of these

competitions.

Matruh

The first event taking place in the wedding preparations for the

Bedouins of Matruh is that the groom has to bring his mother in law

all the ingredients of the wedding feast including a number of

sheep, vegetables, fruits, tea, sugar, and even detergents to clean

the dishes after the wedding ceremony. This event is very important

as it is considered as an announcement of the marriage taking

place.Another important event occurs on the seventh day of marriage

when the bride visits her family for the first time after getting

married. The bride has to take some food and a lot of meat to her

family.The bride has to present the family members of her groom with

some gifts on the wedding night. Usually these gifts are clothes and

valuable golden jewelry. 

Marriage in Indian Society

India is the world's seventh largest country. It is rich and diverse

geographically as well as culturally. Indians proudly follow their

customs and traditions in everyday life as well as in festivals and

occasions. Marriage has a very significant relevance to the Indian

society and it is the biggest celebration in an Indian's life. It is

considered a holistic occasion that relates to ceremonies,

traditional vows, social gatherings and a lot of pump & show.

Marriage ceremonies are conducted in vivid ways in various parts of

India. Every region, caste and community has its unique ways of

marriage but the basic essence is uniform all over the country.

The Significance Of Marriage In Indian Society:

Marriage is regarded as a social institution of extreme

importance in the Indian society.

Marriage is a very permanent relationship in India. Compatible

or not, the mindset of Indians does not allow husbands and

wives to part their ways easily, unlike the Western culture,

where divorces are very common.

In India, marriage is not just the union of two individuals;

rather, it is the union of two families.

To Indians, the idea of marriage is specific to heterosexuals,

i.e. two people from opposite sexes are united in an Indian

marriage.

Marriages in India are a social ceremony and not necessarily

legalized always.

Indian society is dominantly convinced to the concept of

‘arrange marriages'. Though Indian folklore and cinema promote

romantic unions to the fullest, arrange marriages are very

prominent in Indian society.

‘Self-arranged marriages' are increasingly common in India. A

couple that is romantically involved generally undergoes the

entire process of arrange marriage to avoid social taunts!

The matching criteria in Indian society for the purpose of

marriage, includes religion, caste, horoscope, profession,

status and physical appearances.

Exchange of photographs/information with prospective matches

is another important step towards marriage in the Indian

society.

In India there is no uniform Civil Code, i.e. Family laws vary

based on religion and state.

In Indian society, the most important thing in one's life is

to marry at right age, to the right person.

Finding The Right Life Partner is really a very difficult thing. The

traditional way of Finding the Right Life Partner was through

newspapers. With the advent of internet, Finding The Right Life

Partner has become an easy and quick process. Online Matrimonial

Sites offer a very user-friendly way to choose from a wide range of

profiles.

Marriage in Indonesia

Muslims around the world all live by and obey the same basic Islamic

laws. Some Muslim traditions, however, are blended with national

traditions varying from country to country, and often even within

areas of a specific country. In Indonesia, for instance, young

people are still bound by Muslim rules when it comes down to

questions such as dating and getting married. Here, as elsewhere,

dating is seen only as a way to get acquainted with one's wife or

husband to be shortly before the wedding takes place.

Meetings always take place in amongst the presence of families to

avoid physical desires taking over and often marriages have been

arranged, although the young couple will usually be concluded in the

final choice of spouse. In any case, they often have next to no time

to really get used to each other. For example the process in west

Sumatera Island Indonesia with specialist named Minangkabau.

Engagement

Maresek, is the first step of the pre-wedding process whereby a

member of the prospective bridegroom's family seeks the courtship of

the prospective bride, eventually leading to mutual agreement. The

planning and implementation of the wedding generally involves a

large number of the family members, especially on the bride's side.

It is customary for the female and her family to be involved in most

of the wedding plans, including making the marriage proposal, as the

Minangkabau culture is matrilineal. The father of the bride has no

say in the marriage proposal, as the decision is the prerogative of

the maternal family of the bride. The mother's family holds

negotiations with the groom's family and decides the terms for the

marriage.

Wedding Ceremony

Minangkabau weddings are an important part of the culture of the

people of the Minangkabau Highlands, and numerous costumes, houses

and related paraphernalia is reconstructed and displayed in local

museums in west Sumatera.The wedding itself usually entails several

ceremonies over a fortnight Costumes are highly elaborate

Minangkabau whose weddings are conducted in a religion other than

Islam are no longer considered Muslim.

Marriage

After marriage, the bride does not go to the groom's house but stays

at her mother's home. The husband shifts to his wife's house with

all his possessions to prove that he is man of substance. The groom

normally brings his own bed, chairs, and other necessities of

comfort for his stay with his wife in her room and in her family

house. However, as per community custom, he stays with his sister

even after marriage and visits his wife's house only at night. Since

women control every aspect of family life among the Minangkabau

community, after marriage men prefer to go outside the country or

outside their village or town in search of greater opportunities for

personal advancement. If they stay at home, they are looked down

upon as weak, docile, and lacking aggressiveness. However, with

changing times and with modernization providing men more

opportunities outside their home or even country, many men prefer to

go out. It is also now a practice that when men move out to cities

where their community is the dominant population, only symbolically

do they visit their mother's house to respect the matriarchal

customs of their society. Culturally, the Minangkabau maintain a

matrilineal society in which women have greater say in matters

related to inheritance, family and its upbringing than do men. The

children take the surname of their mother. Property is shared among

the sisters only.

Finding And Discussion

Based on the process of Marriage in conventional societies and

in Islamic country, there are process in Islamic country

generally not Islamic, however still using some Islamic point

in their process. It is so different with conventional

societies in terms of Akad (Contract) between couple which is

using certificate and have to report to Civil Marriage.

The crucial points which have to discuss is the process of

marriage in Indonesia especially in West Sumatera famously

named Minangkabau. In this societies they using matrilineal

system, or the women ask proposal to men for marriage, and

based on the system in societies the man will be staying at

women’s house. And the important things the person who stay at

house is women, because all the men or their brother should go

out from the house.

The process of Marriage in Indonesia especially in west

Sumatera is similarly with Indo-Pak process interms of

proposal asked by Women, it was caused by the Hind and Buddha

culture that already exist long time before Islam come and

separate their da’wah. In another hand, the process of

Marriage in north Sumatera famously named by Batak or some

called Mandailing, Naturally the culture is slightly same, the

process in this culture is mostly used Islamic points,

although still any point not Islamic.

,

Conclusions

Family is a matter of social and public interest. Most changes

introduced in the regulation of marriage in the latest decades

did not contribute to the well-being of the family. We must be

honest and admit that family is not healthier now than before

the admittance of non-fault divorce, the recognition of civil

effects to almost all kind of unions, and, shortly, the

weakening of marriage.

Certainly, there have been great social changes. Nevertheless,

public powers have also a responsibility on this issue. They

should foster the welfare of the family by promoting means

such as mediation or counseling, easing conciliation of family

and work, instead of developing fast ways to solve problems

that, in fact, become higher.

Some process of Marriages is not Islamic, but still find some

points using Islamic Process, and every culture has their

point of view, why their culture still exist until now, for

example the reason matrilineal culture in west Sumatera is to

protect the wealth heritage and that culture believe for the

person who will be take care their parents is the daughter.

Generally Indonesian culture already be Islamize from the Hind

and Buddha culture for instance the culture in north Sumatera

that familiar named Batak, this culture is opposite of

Minangkabau culture, and it is generally same as like as

Islamic ask in religion.

Appendix

Minangkabau ( West Sumatera )

costume.

Batak ( North Sumatera ) costume.

References

1) An-Na’im, Abdullah A. Islamic Family Law in a Changing World. 11

October 2002

2) Blackwood, Evelyn. Webs of Power:Women, Kin, and Community in a

Sumatran Village. 2000

3) Monger,George. Marriage Customs of the world: From Henna to

Honeymoons. 30 November 2004

4) Jones,Gavin W.,Chee,Heng Leng, Mohammad, Maznah. Muslim-Non-

Muslim Marriage:Political and Cultural Contestation in Southeast

Asia. 1 June 2009