THEGIFTSOF

Imperfection

THEGIFTSOF

Imperfection

LetGoofWhoYouThinkYou’reSupposedtoBeandEmbraceWhoYouAre

byBrenéBrown,Ph.D.,L.M.S.W.

HazeldenCenterCity,Minnesota55012

hazelden.org

©2010byBrenéBrownAll rightsreserved.Published2010

PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrieval system,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans—electronic,mechanical ,photocopying,recording,scanning,orotherwise—withouttheexpresswri ttenpermissionofthepublisher.Fai luretocomplywiththesetermsmayexposeyoutolegal actionanddamagesforcopyrightinfringement.

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataBrown,C.Brené

Thegiftsofimperfection:letgoofwhoyouthink you’resupposedtobeandembracewhoyouare/byBrenéBrown.p.cm.Includesbibl iographical references.ISBN978-1-59285-849-1(softcover)ISBN978-1-59285-989-4(eBook)1.Self-acceptance.2.Self-esteem.I.Ti tle.

BF575.S37B762010158—dc22

2010016989

Editor’snoteThenames,detai ls,andcircumstancesmayhavebeenchangedtoprotecttheprivacyofthosementionedinthispublication.

Thispublicationisnotintendedasasubsti tutefortheadviceofheal thcareprofessionals.

13121110123456

CoverdesignbyDavidSpohnCoveri l lustrationsbyNicholasWil ton

InteriordesignandtypesettingbyKinneDesign

ToSteve,Ellen,andCharlie.Iloveyouwithmywholeheart.

contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction:WholeheartedLiving

Courage,Compassion,andConnection:TheGiftsofImperfection

ExploringthePowerofLove,Belonging,andBeingEnough

TheThingsThatGetintheWay

Guidepost#1CultivatingAuthenticity:LettingGoofWhatPeopleThink

Guidepost#2CultivatingSelf-Compassion:LettingGoofPerfectionism

Guidepost#3CultivatingaResilientSpirit:LettingGoofNumbingandPowerlessness

Guidepost#4CultivatingGratitudeandJoy:LettingGoofScarcityandFearoftheDark

Guidepost#5CultivatingIntuitionandTrustingFaith:LettingGooftheNeedforCertainty

Guidepost#6CultivatingCreativity:LettingGoofComparison

Guidepost#7CultivatingPlayandRest:LettingGoofExhaustionasaStatusSymbolandProductivityasSelf-Worth

Guidepost#8CultivatingCalmandStillness:LettingGoofAnxietyasaLifestyle

Guidepost#9CultivatingMeaningfulWork:LettingGoofSelf-Doubtand“SupposedTo”

Guidepost#10CultivatingLaughter,Song,andDance:LettingGoofBeingCooland“AlwaysinControl”

FinalThoughts

AbouttheResearchProcess:ForThrill-SeekersandMethodologyJunkies

Notes

AbouttheAuthor

preface

Owningourstoryandlovingourselvesthroughthatprocessisthebravestthingthatwewilleverdo.

Once you see a pattern, you can’t un-see it. Trust me, I’ve tried. But when the same truth keepsrepeatingitself,it’shardtopretendthatit’sjustacoincidence.Forexample,nomatterhowhardItrytoconvincemyselfthatIcanfunctiononsixhoursofsleep,anythinglessthaneighthoursleavesmeimpatient,anxious,andforagingforcarbohydrates.It’sapattern.Ialsohaveaterribleprocrastinationpattern:Ialwaysputoffwritingbyreorganizingmyentirehouseandspendingwaytoomuchtimeandmoneybuyingofficesuppliesandorganizingsystems.Everysingletime.Onereason it’s impossible toun-see trends is thatourmindsareengineered toseekoutpatterns

andtoassignmeaningtothem.Humansareameaning-makingspecies.And,forbetterorworse,mymindisactuallyfine-tunedtodothis.Ispentyearstrainingforit,andnowit’showImakemyliving.As a researcher, I observe human behavior so I can identify and name the subtle connections,

relationships,andpatternsthathelpusmakemeaningofourthoughts,behaviors,andfeelings.IlovewhatIdo.Patternhuntingiswonderfulworkand,infact,throughoutmycareer,myattempts

at un-seeing were strictly reserved for my personal life and those humbling vulnerabilities that Ilovedtodeny.ThatallchangedinNovember2006,whentheresearchthatfillsthesepagessmackedmeupsidethehead.Forthefirsttimeinmycareer,Iwasdesperatetoun-seemyownresearch.Upuntil thatpoint,Ihaddedicatedmycareertostudyingdifficultemotionslikeshame,fear,and

vulnerability.Ihadwrittenacademicpiecesonshame,developedashame-resiliencecurriculumformental health and addictions professionals, and written a book about shame resilience called IThoughtItWasJustMe.1

Intheprocessofcollectingthousandsofstoriesfromdiversemenandwomenwholivedalloverthecountry—ranginginagefromeighteentoeighty-seven—IsawnewpatternsthatIwantedtoknowmoreabout.Yes,weallstrugglewithshameandthefearofnotbeingenough.And,yes,manyofusareafraid to letour true selvesbe seenandknown.But in thishugemoundofdata therewasalsostoryafterstoryofmenandwomenwhowerelivingtheseamazingandinspiringlives.Iheard stories about thepowerof embracing imperfectionandvulnerability. I learnedabout the

inextricableconnectionbetweenjoyandgratitude,andhowthingsthatItakeforgranted,likerestandplay, are as vital to our health as nutrition and exercise. These research participants trustedthemselves,andtheytalkedaboutauthenticityandloveandbelonginginawaythatwascompletelynewtome.Iwantedto lookat thesestoriesasawhole,soIgrabbedafileandaSharpieandwrote thefirst

wordthatcametomymindonthetab:Wholehearted.Iwasn’tsurewhatitmeantyet,butIknewthatthesestorieswereaboutpeoplelivingandlovingwiththeirwholehearts.IhadalotofquestionsaboutWholeheartedness.Whatdidthesefolksvalue?Howdidtheycreate

all of this resilience in their lives?What were their main concerns and how did they resolve oraddressthem?CananyonecreateaWholeheartedlife?Whatdoesittaketocultivatewhatweneed?Whatgetsintheway?AsIstartedanalyzingthestoriesandlookingforre-occurringthemes,Irealizedthatthepatterns

generallyfellintooneoftwocolumns;forsimplicitysake,IfirstlabeledtheseDoandDon’t.TheDocolumnwasbrimmingwithwordslikeworthiness,rest,play,trust,faith,intuition,hope,authenticity,love, belonging, joy, gratitude, and creativity. The Don’t column was dripping with words likeperfection, numbing, certainty, exhaustion, self-sufficiency, being cool, fitting in, judgment, andscarcity.IgaspedthefirsttimeIsteppedbackfromtheposterpaperandtookitallin.Itwastheworstkind

ofstickershock.Iremembermumbling,“No.No.No.Howcanthisbe?”Even though I wrote the lists, I was shocked to read them. When I code data, I go into deep

researchermode.MyonlyfocusisonaccuratelycapturingwhatIheardinthestories.Idon’tthinkabouthowIwouldsaysomething,onlyhowtheresearchparticipantssaidit.Idon’tthinkaboutwhatanexperiencewouldmeantome,onlywhatitmeanttothepersonwhotoldmeaboutit.Isatintheredchairatmybreakfastroomtableandstaredatthesetwolistsforaverylongtime.

Myeyeswanderedupanddownandacross.IrememberatonepointIwasactuallysittingtherewithtearsinmyeyesandwithmyhandacrossmymouth,likesomeonehadjustdeliveredbadnews.And, in fact, itwasbadnews. I thought I’d find thatWholeheartedpeoplewere just likemeand

doingallof the same things Iwasdoing:workinghard, following the rules,doing ituntil Igot itright,alwaystryingtoknowmyselfbetter,raisingmykidsexactlybythebooks…Afterstudyingtoughtopicslikeshameforadecade,ItrulybelievedthatIdeservedconfirmation

thatIwas“livingright.”Buthere’sthetoughlessonthatIlearnedthatday(andeverydaysince):

Howmuchweknowandunderstandourselvesiscriticallyimportant,butthereissomethingthatisevenmoreessentialtolivingaWholeheartedlife:lovingourselves.

Knowledge is important, but only ifwe’re being kind and gentlewith ourselves aswework todiscoverwhoweare.Wholeheartednessisasmuchaboutembracingourtendernessandvulnerabilityasitisaboutdevelopingknowledgeandclaimingpower.Andperhapsthemostpainfullessonofthatdayhitmesohardthatittookmybreathaway:Itwas

clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have. Where we are on ourjourneyoflivingandlovingwithourwholeheartsisamuchstrongerindicatorofparentingsuccessthananythingwecanlearnfromhow-tobooks.Thisjourneyisequalpartsheartworkandheadwork,andasIsatthereonthatdrearyNovember

day,itwascleartomethatIwaslackinginmyownheartwork.Ifinallystoodup,grabbedmymarkeroffthetable,drewalineundertheDon’tlist,andthenwrote

thewordmeundertheline.Mystrugglesseemedtobeperfectlycharacterizedbythesumtotalofthelist.Ifoldedmyarmstightlyacrossmychest,sunkdeepdownintomychair,andthought,Thisisjust

great.I’mlivingstraightdowntheshitlist.Iwalkedaroundthehouseforabouttwentyminutestryingtoun-seeandundoeverythingthathad

justunfolded,butIcouldn’tmakethewordsgoaway.Icouldn’tgoback,soIdidthenextbestthing:IfoldedallofthepostersheetsintoneatsquaresandtuckedthenintoaRubbermaidtubthatfitnicelyundermybed,nexttomyChristmaswrap.Iwouldn’topenthattubagainuntilMarchof2008.Next,Igotmyselfareallygoodtherapistandbeganayearofserioussoulworkthatwouldforever

changemylife.Diana,mytherapist,andIstilllaughaboutmyfirstvisit.Diana,whoisatherapisttomanytherapists,startedwiththerequisite,“Sowhat’sgoingon?”IpulledouttheDolistandmatter-of-factlysaid,“Ineedmoreofthethingsonthislist.Somespecifictipsandtoolswouldbehelpful.Nothingdeep.Nochildhoodcraporanything.”

Itwasalongyear.Ilovinglyrefertoitonmyblogasthe2007BreakdownSpiritualAwakening.Itfeltlikeatextbookbreakdowntome,butDianacalleditaspiritualawakening.Ithinkwewerebothright.Infact,I’mstartingtoquestionifyoucanhaveonewithouttheother.Ofcourse,it’snotacoincidencethatthisunravelinghappenedinNovember2006.Thestarswere

perfectlyalignedforabreakdown:Iwasrawfrombeingnewlysugarandflourfree,Iwasdaysawayfrommybirthday(alwaysacontemplativetimeforme),Iwasburnedoutfromwork,andIwasrightonthecuspofmymidlifeunraveling.Peoplemaycallwhathappensatmidlife“acrisis,”butit’snot.It’sanunraveling—atimewhenyou

feel a desperate pull to live the life youwant to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live. Theunraveling is a timewhen you are challenged by the universe to let go ofwhoyou think you aresupposedtobeandtoembracewhoyouare.Midlifeiscertainlyoneofthegreatunravelingjourneys,butthereareothersthathappentousover

thecourseofourlives:

marriagedivorcebecomingaparentrecoverymovinganemptynestretiringexperiencinglossortraumaworkinginasoul-suckingjob

Theuniverseisnotshortonwake-upcalls.We’rejustquicktohitthesnoozebutton.As it turned out, thework I had to dowasmessy and deep. I slogged through it until one day,

exhaustedandwithmudstillwetanddrippingoffofmytravelingshoes,Irealized,“Oh,myGod.Ifeel different. I feel joyful and real. I’m still afraid, but I also feel really brave. Something haschanged—Icanfeelitinmybones.”Iwashealthier,morejoyful,andmoregratefulthanIhadeverfelt.Ifeltcalmerandgrounded,and

significantlylessanxious.Ihadrekindledmycreativelife,reconnectedwithmyfamilyandfriendsinanewway,andmostimportant,felttrulycomfortableinmyownskinforthefirsttimeinmylife.I learned how toworrymore about how I felt and less about “what peoplemight think.” Iwas

settingnewboundariesandbegantoletgoofmyneedtoplease,perform,andperfect.Istartedsayingnoratherthansure(andbeingresentfulandpissedofflater).Ibegantosay“Oh,hellyes!”ratherthan“Soundsfun,butIhavelotsofworktodo”or“I’lldothatwhenI’m_________(thinner,lessbusy,betterprepared).”As I worked through my own Wholehearted journey with Diana, I read close to forty books,

includingeveryspiritualawakeningmemoirIcouldgetmyhandson.Theywereincrediblyhelpfulguides,butIstillcravedaguidebookthatcouldofferinspiration,resources,andbasicallyserveasasoultraveler ’scompanionofsorts.Oneday,asIstaredatthetallpileofbooksprecariouslystackedonmynightstand,ithitme!Iwant

totellthisstoryinamemoir.I’lltellthestoryofhowacynical,smart-assacademicbecameeverybitof the stereotype that she spent her entire adult life ridiculing. I’ll fess up about how I became themiddle-aged,recovering,health-conscious,creative,touchy-feelyspirituality-seekerwhospendsdayscontemplatingthingslikegrace,love,gratitude,creativity,authenticity,andishappierthanIimagined

possible.I’llcallitWholehearted.I also remember thinking, Before I write the memoir, I need to use this research to write a

guidebook on Wholehearted living! By mid-2008, I had filled three huge tubs with notebooks,journals, andmoundsof data. I had also done countless hours of new research. I had everything Ineeded,includingapassionatedesiretowritethebookthatyou’reholdinginyourhands.On that fatefulNovemberdaywhen the list appearedand I sunk into the realization that Iwasn’t

livingand lovingwithmywholeheart, Iwasn’t totallyconvinced.Seeing the listwasn’tenough tofullybelievein it. Ihadtodigverydeepandmaketheconsciouschoice tobelieve…tobelieve inmyselfandthepossibilityoflivingadifferentlife.Alotofquestioning,countlesstears,andahugecollectionofjoyfulmomentslater,believinghashelpedmesee.Inowseehowowningourstoryandlovingourselvesthroughthatprocessisthebravestthingthat

wewilleverdo.I now see that cultivating aWholehearted life is not like trying to reach a destination. It’s like

walkingtowardastarinthesky.Weneverreallyarrive,butwecertainlyknowthatwe’reheadingintherightdirection.Inowseehowgiftslikecourage,compassion,andconnectiononlyworkwhentheyareexercised.

Everyday.Inowseehowtheworkofcultivatingandlettinggothatshowsupinthetenguidepostsisnot“to-

do list”material. It’s not somethingwe accomplish or acquire and then check off our list. It’s lifework.It’ssoulwork.Forme,believingwas seeing. Ibelieved first, andonly then Iwasable to seehowwecan truly

changeourselves,our families, andourcommunities.We justhave to find thecourage to liveandlovewithourwholehearts.It’sanhonortomakethisjourneywithyou!

acknowledgments

Deepestgratitudeto:

PatriciaBroat,KarenCasey,KarenChernyaev,KateCroteau,AprilDahl,RondaDearing,SidFarrar,MargaritaFlores,KarenHolmes,CharlesKiley,PollyKoch,ShawnOstrowski,ColeSchweikhardt,JoanieShoemaker,DaveSpohn,DianaStorms,AshleyThill,SueThill,AlisonVandenberg,YolandaVillarreal,Jo-LynneWorley,myMove-a-Bodyfriends,myfamily,andtheLovebombers

Wholeheartedlivingisaboutengaginginourlivesfromaplaceofworthiness.Itmeanscultivatingthecourage,compassion,andconnectiontowakeupinthemorningandthink,Nomatterwhatgetsdoneandhowmuchisleftundone,Iamenough.It’sgoingtobedatnightthinking,Yes,Iamimperfectand vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave andworthyofloveandbelonging.

TheJourney

Wholehearted living is not a onetime choice. It is a process. In fact, I believe it’s the journeyof alifetime. My goal is to bring awareness and clarity to the constellation of choices that lead toWholeheartedness and to share what I’ve learned from many, many people who have dedicatedthemselvestolivingandlovingwiththeirwholehearts.Beforeembarkingonanyjourney,includingthisone,it’simportanttotalkaboutwhatweneedto

bring along.What does it take to live and love from a place ofworthiness?Howdowe embraceimperfection?Howdowecultivatewhatweneedandletgoof thethingsthatareholdingusback?Theanswerstoallofthesequestionsarecourage,compassion,andconnection—thetoolsweneedtoworkourwaythroughourjourney.If you’re thinking, Great. I just need to be a superhero to fight perfectionism, I understand.

Courage, compassion, and connection seem like big, lofty ideals. But in reality, they are dailypracticesthat,whenexercisedenough,becometheseincrediblegiftsinourlives.Andthegoodnewsisthatourvulnerabilitiesarewhatforceustocallupontheseamazingtools.Becausewe’rehumanandsobeautifullyimperfect,wegettopracticeusingourtoolsonadailybasis.Inthisway,courage,compassion,andconnectionbecomegifts—thegiftsofimperfection.Here’swhat you’ll find in the pages that follow. In the firstchapter, I explainwhat I’ve learned

about courage, compassion, and connection and how they are truly the tools for developingworthiness.Oncewegetsomeclarityaboutthetoolsthatwe’regoingtouseonthisjourney,inthenextchapter

we move to the heart of the matter: love, belonging, and worthiness. I answer some of the mostdifficultquestionsofmycareer:Whatislove?Canwelovesomeoneandbetraythem?Whydoesourconstantneedtofitinsabotagerealbelonging?Canwelovethepeopleinourlives,likeourpartnersandchildren,morethanweloveourselves?Howdowedefineworthiness,andwhydowesooftenenduphustlingforitratherthanbelievinginit?

Weencounterobstaclesoneveryjourneywemake;theWholeheartedjourneyisnoexception.Inthenextchapter,we’llexplorewhat I’vefound tobe thegreatestbarriers to livingand lovingwithourwholehearts andhowwecandevelopeffective strategies tomove through thebarriers and tocultivateresilience.From there, we’ll explore the ten guideposts for theWholehearted journey, daily practices that

provide direction for our journey. There’s one chapter for each guidepost, and each chapter isillustratedwithstories,definitions,quotes,andideasformakingdeliberateandinspiredchoicesaboutthewayweliveandlove.

DefiningMoments

Thisbookisfullofbig-conceptwordssuchaslove,belonging,andauthenticity.Ithinkit’scriticallyimportanttodefinethegauzywordsthataretossedaroundeverydaybutrarelyexplained.AndIthinkgooddefinitions shouldbeaccessibleandactionable. I’ve tried todefine thesewords inaway thatwillhelpusunpackthetermandexplorethepieces.Whenwedigdownpastthefeel-goodwordsandexcavatethedailyactivitiesandexperiencesthatputtheheartinWholeheartedliving,wecanseehowpeopledefinetheconceptsthatdrivetheiractions,beliefs,andemotions.Forexample,whentheresearchparticipants talkedaboutaconceptsuchas love, Iwascareful to

define itas theyexperienced it.Sometimes that requireddevelopingnewdefinitions(likeIactuallydidwith love and many other words). Other times, when I started looking around in the existingliterature,Ifounddefinitionsthatcapturedthespiritoftheparticipants’experiences.Agoodexampleof this isplay. Play is an essential component toWholehearted living, andwhen I researched thetopic,IdiscoveredtheamazingworkofDr.StuartBrown.1So,ratherthancreatinganewdefinition,IreferencehisworkbecauseitaccuratelyreflectswhatIlearnedintheresearch.Irealizethatdefinitionssparkcontroversyanddisagreement,butI’mokaywiththat.I’dratherwe

debatethemeaningofwordsthatareimportanttousthannotdiscussthematall.Weneedcommonlanguagetohelpuscreateawarenessandunderstanding,whichisessentialtoWholeheartedliving.

DiggingDeep

Inearly2008,whenmyblogwasstillprettynew,Iwroteapostaboutbreakingmy“dig-deep”button.Youknowthedig-deepbutton,right?It’sthebuttonthatyourelyonwhenyou’retoobone-tiredtogetuponemoretimeinthemiddleofthenightortodoonemoreloadofthrow-up-diarrhealaundryorto catch one more plane or to return one more call or to please/perform/perfect the way younormallydoevenwhenyoujustwanttoflipsomeoneoffandhideunderthecovers.Thedig-deepbuttonisasecretlevelofpushingthroughwhenwe’reexhaustedandoverwhelmed,

andwhenthere’stoomuchtodoandtoolittletimeforself-care.Inmyblogpost,IexplainedhowIhaddecidednottofixmydig-deepbutton.Imadeapromiseto

myselfthatwhenIfeltemotionally,physically,andspirituallydone,I’dtryslowingdownratherthanrelyingonmyoldstandbys:pushingthrough,soldieringon,andsuckingitup.Itworked for awhile,but Imissedmybutton. Imissedhaving something to turn towhen Iwas

depletedanddown.Ineededatooltohelpmedigmywayout.So,Iturnedbacktomyresearchtoseeif I could find away to dig that wasmore consistent withWholehearted living.Maybe therewassomethingbetterthanjustsuckingitup.Here’swhatIfound:MenandwomenwholiveWholeheartedlydoindeedDIGDeep.Theyjustdo

itinadifferentway.Whenthey’reexhaustedandoverwhelmed,theygetDel iberateintheirthoughtsandbehaviorsthroughprayer,meditation,orsimplysettingtheirintentions;Inspiredtomakenewanddifferentchoices;Going.Theytakeaction.

Since Imade thatdiscovery, I’vebeenDIGgingDeep thenewway,and it’sbeenprettyamazing.OneexamplehappenedjustrecentlywhenIwaslostinanInternetfog.Ratherthanworking,Iwasjustlullingmyself intoahazebymindlesslyplayingonFacebookandpiddlingonthecomputer.Itwasneitherrelaxingnorproductive—itwasjustagianttimeandenergysuck.ItriedthenewDIGDeep—getdeliberate,inspired,andgoing.Itoldmyself,“Ifyouneedtorefuel

andlosingyourselfonlineisfunandrelaxing,thendoit.Ifnot,dosomethingdeliberatelyrelaxing.Findsomethinginspiringtodoratherthansomethingsoul-sucking.Then,lastbutnotleast,getupanddoit!”Iclosedmylaptop,saidalittleprayertoremindmyselftobeself-compassionate,andwatchedamoviethathadbeensittinginaNetflixenvelopeonmydeskforoveramonth.ItwasexactlywhatIneeded.Itwasn’t theoldDigDeep—thepushing through. Ididn’t forcemyself tostartworkingor todo

somethingproductive.Rather,Iprayerfully,intentionally,andthoughtfullydidsomethingrestorative.EachguideposthasaDIGDeepsectiontohelpusstart thinkingabouthowwegetdeliberateand

inspiredaboutourchoices,andhowwetakeaction.IsharemypersonalDIGDeepstrategieswithyouand I encourage you to come up with your own. These new strategies have been so much moreeffectivethantheold“pushingthrough.”

WhatIHopetoContribute

Thisbookisfullofpowerfultopicssuchasself-compassion,acceptance,andgratitude.I’mnotthefirst to talk about these subjects, and I’mcertainlynot the smartest researcheror themost talentedwriter.Iam,however,thefirsttoexplainhowthesetopicsworkindividuallyandtogethertocultivateWholehearted living. And,maybemore important, I’m certainly the first person to come at thesetopicsfromtheperspectiveofsomeonewhohasspentyearsstudyingshameandfear.Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesIwantedtogiveupmyresearchonshame.It’sextremelydifficult

to dedicate your career to studying topics thatmake people squeamish.On several occasions I’veliterallythrownmyhandsupandsaid,“Iquit.It’stoohard.Therearesomanycoolthingstostudy.Iwantoutofthis!”Ididn’tchoosetostudyshameandfear;theresearchchoseme.NowIknowwhy.ItwaswhatIneeded—professionallyandpersonally—toprepareforthiswork

onWholeheartedness.We can talk about courage and love and compassion until we sound like agreetingcardstore,butunlesswe’rewilling tohaveanhonestconversationaboutwhatgets in thewayofputtingtheseintopracticeinourdailylives,wewillneverchange.Never,ever.Couragesoundsgreat,butweneedtotalkabouthowitrequiresustoletgoofwhatotherpeople

think,andformostofus, that’sscary.Compassion issomethingweallwant,butarewewilling tolookatwhyboundary-settingandsayingnoisacriticalcomponentofcompassion?Arewewillingtosayno,evenifwe’redisappointingsomeone?BelongingisanessentialcomponentofWholeheartedliving,butfirstwehavetocultivateself-acceptance—whyisthissuchastruggle?Before I start writing, I always ask myself, “Why is this book worth writing? What’s the

contribution that I’mhoping tomake?” Ironically, I think themost valuable contribution that I canmaketotheongoingdiscussionsaboutlove,belonging,andworthinessstemsfrommyexperiencesasashameresearcher.Comingatthisworkwithafullunderstandingofhowtheshametapesandgremlinskeepusfeeling

afraidandsmallallowsmetodomorethanpresentgreatideas;thisperspectivehelpsmesharerealstrategiesforchangingourlives.Ifwewanttoknowwhywe’reallsoafraidtoletourtrueselvesbeseenandknown,wehavetounderstandthepowerofshameandfear.Ifwecan’tstanduptothenevergoodenoughandwhodoyouthinkyouare?wecan’tmoveforward.Ionlywishthatduringthosedesperateanddefeatedmomentsofmypast,whenIwasknee-deepin

shameresearch,IcouldhaveknownwhatIknownow.IfIcouldgobackandwhisperinmyear,I’dtellmyselfthesamethingthatI’lltellyouaswebeginthisjourney:

Owningourstorycanbehardbutnotnearlyasdifficultasspendingourlivesrunningfromit.Embracingourvulnerabilitiesisriskybutnotnearlyasdangerousasgivinguponloveandbelongingandjoy—theexperiencesthatmakeusthemostvulnerable.Onlywhenwearebraveenoughtoexplorethedarknesswillwediscovertheinfinitepowerofourlight.

Practicing courage, compassion, and connection in our daily lives is howwe cultivateworthiness.Thekeywordispractice.MaryDaly,atheologian,writes,“Courageislike—it’sahabitus,ahabit,avirtue:Yougetitbycourageousacts.It’slikeyoulearntoswimbyswimming.Youlearncouragebycouraging.”Thesame is true forcompassionandconnection.We invitecompassion intoour liveswhenweactcompassionatelytowardourselvesandothers,andwefeelconnectedinourliveswhenwereachoutandconnect.BeforeIdefinetheseconceptsandtalkabouthowtheywork,Iwant toshowyouhowtheywork

together in real life—as practices. This is a personal story about the courage to reach out, thecompassionthatcomesfromsaying,“I’vebeenthere,”andtheconnectionsthatfuelourworthiness.

TheGun-for-HireShameStorm

Nottoolongago,theprincipalofalargepublicelementaryschoolandthepresidentoftheschool’sparent-teacherorganization (PTO) invitedme tospeak toagroupofparentsabout the relationshipbetween resilience and boundaries. I was in the process of collecting data about Wholeheartedparentingand schools at the time, so Iwas excitedabout theopportunity. I hadno ideawhat Iwasgettingmyselfinto.ThesecondIwalkedintotheschoolauditorium,Ifeltthisreallystrangevibefromtheparentsin

theaudience.Theyalmostseemedagitated.I asked the principal about it, and she just shrugged her shoulders and walked away. The PTO

presidentdidn’thavemuchtosayaboutiteither.Ichalkedituptomynervesandtriedtoletitgo.Iwas sitting in the front rowwhen the principal introducedme.This is always a very awkward

experience forme. Someone is running through a list ofmy accomplishmentswhile I’m secretlytrying to staveoffvomitingand talkingmyselfoutof running.Well, this introductionwasbeyondanythingIhadeverexperienced.Theprincipalwassayingthingslike,“Youmightnotlikewhatyou’regoingtoheartonight,butwe

needtolistenforthesakeofourchildren.Dr.Brownisheretotransformourschoolandourlives!She’sgoingtosetusstraightwhetherwelikeitornot!”Shewastalkinginthisloud,aggressivevoicethatmadeherseemdownrightpissedoff.IfeltlikeI

wasbeingintroducedforWWEWrestleMania.AllweneededweretheJockJamsandafewstrobelights.

Inhindsight,Ishouldhavewalkeduptothepodiumandsaid,“I’mfeelingveryuncomfortable.I’mexcitedtobehere,butI’mcertainlynotheretosetanyonestraight.Ialsodon’twantyoutothinkthatI’mtryingtotransformyourschoolinanhour.What’sgoingon?”But I didn’t. I just started talking in my vulnerable I’m-a-researcher-but-I’m-also-a-struggling-

parentway.Well,thediehadbeencast.Theseparentswerenotreceptive.Instead,Ifeltrowafterrowofpeopleglaringatme.Oneman,whowassittingrightupfront,hadhisarmsfoldedacrosshischestandhisteethclenched

sotightly that theveins inhisneckwerepoppingout.Every threeorfourminuteshe’dshift inhisseat, rollhiseyes,andsigh louder thanI’veeverheardanyonesigh. Itwasso loud that I’mbarelycomfortablecallingitasigh.Itwasmorelikeahumph!Itwassobadthatthepeoplenexttohimwerevisiblymortifiedbyhisbehavior.Theywerestillinexplicablyunhappywithme,buthewasmakingtheentireeveningunbearableforallofus.As an experienced teacher and group leader, I know how to handle these situations and am

normally comfortable doing so. When someone is being disruptive, you really only have twochoices: ignorehimor takeabreakso thatyoucanprivatelyconfronthimabouthis inappropriatebehavior. Iwas so knocked offmy game by thisweird experience that I did the veryworst thingpossible:Itriedtoimpresshim.I started talking louder and getting really animated. I quoted scary research statistics thatwould

freakoutanyparent.IservedupmyauthenticityforabigolehelpingofYoubetter listentomeoryour kids are going to drop out of third grade and take up hitchhiking, drugs, and running withscissors.Nothing.Nada.I didn’t get a head nod or a slight grin or anything. I just managed to freak out the other 250

already-pissyparents.Itwasadisaster.Tryingtoco-optorwinoversomeonelikethatguyisalwaysamistake, because itmeans trading in your authenticity for approval. You stop believing in yourworthinessandstarthustlingforit.And,ohman,wasIhustling.Thesecondthetalkended,Igrabbedmystuffandran-walkedtomycar.AsIwaspullingoutofthe

parkinglot,myfacewasgrowinghotter.Ifeltsmallandmyheartwasracing.Itriedtopushbacktheinstantreplayofmeactingcrazy,butIcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutit.Theshamestormwasbrewing.When the shame winds are whipping all around me, it’s almost impossible to hold on to any

perspectiveor to recallanythinggoodaboutmyself. Iwent right into thebadself-talkofGod, I’msuchanidiot.WhydidIdothat?The greatest gift of having done this work (the research and the personal work) is that I can

recognizeshamewhenit’shappening.First,Iknowmyphysicalsymptomsofshame—thedrymouth,timeslowingdown,tunnelvision,hotface,racingheart.Iknowthatplayingthepainfulslow-motionreeloverandoverinmyheadisawarningsign.I also know that the very best thing to do when this is happening feels totally counterintuitive:

Practicecourageandreachout!Wehavetoownourstoryandshareitwithsomeonewhohasearnedtherighttohearit,someonewhomwecancountontorespondwithcompassion.Weneedcourage,compassion,andconnection.ASAP.Shamehatesitwhenwereachoutandtellourstory.Ithateshavingwordswrappedaroundit—it

can’t survive being shared.Shame loves secrecy.Themost dangerous thing to do after a shamingexperience ishideorburyourstory.Whenweburyourstory, theshamemetastasizes. I remembersayingoutloud:“IneedtotalktosomeoneRIGHTNOW.Bebrave,Brené!”Buthere’sthetrickypartaboutcompassionandconnecting:Wecan’tcalljustanyone.It’snotthat

simple.Ihavealotofgoodfriends,butthereareonlyahandfulofpeoplewhomIcancountontopracticecompassionwhenI’minthedarkshameplace.Ifwe share our shame storywith thewrong person, they can easily becomeonemore piece of

flying debris in an already dangerous storm.We want solid connection in a situation like this—something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground. We definitely want to avoid thefollowing:

1. Thefriendwhohears thestoryandactuallyfeelsshameforyou.Shegaspsandconfirmshowhorrifiedyoushouldbe.Thenthereisawkwardsilence.Thenyouhavetomakeherfeelbetter.

2. Thefriendwhorespondswithsympathy(Ifeelsosorryforyou)ratherthanempathy(Igetit,Ifeelwithyou,andI’vebeenthere).Ifyouwanttoseeashamecycloneturndeadly,throwoneofthese at it: “Oh, you poor thing.” Or, the incredibly passive-aggressive southern version ofsympathy:“Blessyourheart.”

3. Thefriendwhoneedsyoutobethepillarofworthinessandauthenticity.Shecan’thelpbecauseshe’stoodisappointedinyourimperfections.You’veletherdown.

4. Thefriendwhoissouncomfortablewithvulnerabilitythatshescoldsyou:“Howdidyouletthishappen?Whatwere you thinking?”Or she looks for someone to blame: “Whowas that guy?We’llkickhisass.”

5. The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses toacknowledgethatyoucanactuallybecrazyandmaketerriblechoices:“You’reexaggerating.Itwasn’tthatbad.Yourock.You’reperfect.Everyonelovesyou.”

6. The friend who confuses “connection” with the opportunity to one-up you: “That’s nothing.Listentowhathappenedtomeonetime!”

Ofcourse,we’reallcapableofbeing“thesefriends”—especiallyifsomeonetellsusastorythatgets rightup inourownshamegrill.We’rehuman, imperfect,andvulnerable. It’shard topracticecompassionwhenwe’restrugglingwithourauthenticityorwhenourownworthinessisoffbalance.Whenwe’relookingforcompassion,weneedsomeonewhoisdeeplyrooted,abletobend,and,

mostofall,weneedsomeonewhoembracesusforourstrengthsandstruggles.Weneed tohonorourstrugglebysharingitwithsomeonewhohasearnedtherighttohearit.Whenwe’relookingforcompassion,it’saboutconnectingwiththerightpersonattherighttimeabouttherightissue.Icalledmysister.It’sonlybeensincethe2007BreakdownSpiritualAwakeningthatI’vecalledone

ofmysistersormybrother for shame-cyclone support. I’m fouryearsolder thanmybrotherandeightyearsolderthanmysisters(they’retwins).Before2007,Iwasprettyvestedinbeingtheolder,perfect(akauptight,betterthan,andjudgmental)sister.Ashleywasamazing.Shelistenedandrespondedwithtotalcompassion.Shehadthecouragetotap

into her own struggles with worthiness so that she could genuinely connect to what I wasexperiencing.Shesaidwonderfullyhonestandempathic things like,“Oh,man.That’ssohard. I’vedonethatdance.Ihatethatfeeling!”Thatmaynotbewhatsomeoneelsewouldneedtohear,butformeitwasthebest.Ashleywasn’tuprootedand thrown into thestormcreatedbymyexperience.Shealsowasn’t so

rigidthatshesnappedwithjudgmentandblame.Shedidn’ttrytofixmeormakemefeelbetter;shejustlistenedandhadthecouragetosharesomeofherownvulnerabilitieswithme.Ifelttotallyexposedandcompletelylovedandacceptedatthesametime(whichisthedefinitionof

compassionforme).TrustmewhenItellyouthatshameandfearcan’ttoleratethatkindofpowerfulconnectionsurgingbetweenpeople.That’sexactlywhycourage,compassion,andconnectionarethe

toolsweneedfortheWholeheartedjourney.Totopitoff,mywillingnesstoletsomeoneIcareaboutseemeasimperfectledtoastrengtheningofourrelationshipthatcontinuestoday—that’swhyIcancall courage, compassion, and connection the gifts of imperfection. When we’re willing to beimperfectandreal,thesegiftsjustkeepgiving.Justaquickfollow-uptothestory:Aboutaweekafterthewrestlingmatch/parentingtalk,Ifound

outthattheschoolwasexperiencingahoveringproblem—parentswereintheclassroomsalldayandinterfering with instruction and class management. Without telling me, the principal and PTOpresidenthadrequiredtheparentstoattendmylecture.TheytoldtheparentsthatIwascomingtotellthemwhytheyneededtostophovering.Inotherwords,Iwassetupasahelicopter-parentmercenary.Notgood.Imaynotbeafanofhoveringintheclassroom,butI’malsonotaparentinggun-for-hire.TheironyisthatIhadnoideathatwasanissue,soIneverevenmentionedthetopic.Withthisstory inmind, let’s takeacloser lookateachof theconceptsofWholeheartednessand

howtheyworktogether.

Courage

Courage isahuge themeinmylife. Itseemsthateither I’mprayingforsome,feelinggrateful forhaving founda littlebit,appreciating it inotherpeople,or studying it. Idon’t think thatmakesmeunique.Everyonewantstobebrave.Afterinterviewingpeopleaboutthetruthsoftheirlives—theirstrengthsandstruggles—Irealized

thatcourageisoneofthemostimportantqualitiesthatWholeheartedpeoplehaveincommon.Andnotjustanykindofcourage;IfoundthatWholeheartednessrequiresordinarycourage.Here’swhatImean…The rootof thewordcourage iscor—theLatinword forheart. In one of its earliest forms, the

wordcouragehadaverydifferentdefinitionthanitdoestoday.Courageoriginallymeant“Tospeakone’smindbytellingallone’sheart.”Overtime,thisdefinitionhaschanged,and,today,courageismoresynonymouswithbeingheroic.Heroicsisimportantandwecertainlyneedheroes,butIthinkwe’velosttouchwiththeideathatspeakinghonestlyandopenlyaboutwhoweare,aboutwhatwe’refeeling,andaboutourexperiences(goodandbad)isthedefinitionofcourage.Heroicsisoftenaboutputtingourlifeontheline.Ordinarycourageisaboutputtingourvulnerabilityontheline.Intoday’sworld,that’sprettyextraordinary.1

Whenwepayattention,weseecourageeveryday.Weseeitwhenpeoplereachoutforhelp,likeIdidwithAshley.Iseeit inmyclassroomwhenastudentraisesherhandandsays,“I’mcompletelylost.Ihavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout.”Doyouknowhowincrediblybraveitistosay“Idon’tknow”whenyou’reprettysureeveryonearoundyougetsit?Ofcourse,inmytwelve-plusyearsofteaching,Iknowthatifonepersoncanfindthecouragetosay,“You’velostme,”thereareprobablyatleasttenmorestudentswhofeeltheexactsameway.Theymaynottaketherisk,buttheycertainlybenefitfromthatoneperson’scourage.Isawcourageinmydaughter,Ellen,whenshecalledmefromaslumberpartyat10:30p.m.and

said,“Mom,canyoucomegetme?”WhenIpickedherup,shegotinthecarandsaid,“I’msorry.Ijustwasn’tbraveenough.Igothomesick.Itwassohard.Everyonewasasleep,andIhadtowalktoLibby’smom’sbedroomandwakeherup.”Ipulledintoourdriveway,gotoutofthecar,andwalkedaroundtothebackseatwhereEllenwas

sitting.Iscootedheroverandsatnexttoher.Isaid,“Ellen,Ithinkaskingforwhatyouneedisoneofthebravestthingsthatyou’lleverdo.Isufferedthroughacoupleofreallymiserablesleepoversand

slumberpartiesbecauseIwastooafraidtoasktogohome.I’mproudofyou.”Thenextmorningduringbreakfast,Ellensaid,“Ithoughtaboutwhatyousaid.CanIbebraveagain

andask for somethingelse?” I smiled. “Ihaveanother slumberpartynextweekend.Wouldyoubewillingtopickmeupatbedtime?I’mjustnotready.”That’scourage.Thekindwecouldallusemoreof.IalsoseecourageinmyselfwhenI’mwillingtoriskbeingvulnerableanddisappointed.Formany

years, if I really wanted something to happen—an invitation to speak at a special conference, apromotion, a radio interview—I pretended that it didn’tmatter thatmuch. If a friend or colleaguewouldask,“Areyouexcitedaboutthattelevisioninterview?”I’dshrugitoffandsay,“I’mnotsure.It’snotthatbigofadeal.”Ofcourse,inreality,Iwasprayingthatitwouldhappen.It’sonlybeeninthelastfewyearsthatI’velearnedthatplayingdowntheexcitingstuffdoesn’ttake

thepainawaywhenitdoesn’thappen.Itdoes,however,minimizethejoywhenitdoeshappen.Italsocreatesalotofisolation.Onceyou’vediminishedtheimportanceofsomething,yourfriendsarenotlikelytocallandsay,“I’msorrythatdidn’tworkout.Iknowyouwereexcitedaboutit.”NowwhensomeoneasksmeaboutapotentialopportunitythatI’mexcitedabout,I’mmorelikely

topractice courage and say, “I’m so excited about thepossibility. I’m trying to stay realistic, but Ireally hope it happens.”When things haven’t panned out, it’s been comforting to be able to call asupportivefriendandsay,“RememberthateventItoldyouabout?It’snotgoingtohappen,andI’msobummed.”IrecentlysawanotherexampleofordinarycourageatmysonCharlie’spreschool.Parentswere

invited toattendaholidaymusicpresentationputonby thekids.Youknow the scene—twenty-fivechildren singingwith fifty-plus parents, grandparents, and siblings in the audiencewielding thirty-ninevideocameras.Theparentswereholdingupcamerasintheairandrandomlysnappingpictureswhiletheyscrambledtomakesurethattheirkidsknewtheywerethereandontime.Inadditiontoallthecommotionintheaudience,onethree-year-oldgirl,whowasnewtotheclass,

criedherwaythroughtheentireperformancebecauseshecouldn’tseehermomfromthemakeshiftstage.As it turnsout,hermotherwasstuck in trafficandmissed theperformance.By the timehermother arrived, I was kneeling by the classroom door telling Charlie good-bye. From my lowvantagepoint,Iwatchedthegirl’smotherburstthroughthedoorandimmediatelystartscanningtheroomtofindherdaughter.JustasIwasgettingreadytostandupandpointhertowardthebackoftheclassroomwhereateacherwasholdingherdaughter,anothermotherwalkedbyus,lookedstraightatthisstressedmom,shookherhead,androlledhereyes.Istoodup,tookadeepbreath,andtriedtoreasonwiththepartofmethatwantedtochaseafterthe

better-than-you eye-rolling mom and kick her perfectly punctual ass. Just then two more momswalked up to this now tearfulmother and smiled. One of themothers put her hand on top of thewoman’sshoulderandsaid,“We’veallbeenthere.Imissedthelastone.Iwasn’tjustlate.Icompletelyforgot.” I watched as the woman’s face softened, and she wiped away a tear. The second womanlookedatherandsaid,“Mysonwastheonlyonewhowasn’twearingpajamasonPJDay—hestilltellsmeitwasthemostrottendayever.Itwillbeokay.We’reallinthesameboat.”Bythetimethismothermadeittothebackoftheroomwheretheteacherwasstillcomfortingher

daughter,shelookedcalm.SomethingthatI’msurecameinhandywhenherdaughterlungedforherfrom about six feet away. The moms who stopped and shared their stories of imperfection andvulnerabilitywerepracticingcourage.Theytookthetimetostopandsay,“Here’smystory.You’renotalone.”Theydidn’thavetostopandshare;theycouldhaveeasilyjoinedtheperfect-parentparadeandmarchedrightbyher.

As these stories illustrate, courage has a ripple effect.Every timewe choose courage,wemakeeveryonearoundusalittlebetterandtheworldalittlebraver.Andourworldcouldstandtobealittlekinderandbraver.

Compassion

Toprepareforwritingmybookonshame,IreadeverythingIcouldfindoncompassion.IultimatelyfoundapowerfulfitbetweenthestoriesIheardintheinterviewsandtheworkofAmericanBuddhistnun Pema Chödrön. In her book The Places That Scare You, Chödrön writes, “When we practicegenerating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice isdaring.Itinvolveslearningtorelaxandallowourselvestomovegentlytowardwhatscaresus.”2

What I love about Chödrön’s definition is her honesty about the vulnerability of practicingcompassion. Ifwe takea closer lookat theoriginof thewordcompassion,much likewedidwithcourage, we see why compassion is not typically our first response to suffering. The wordcompassionisderivedfromtheLatinwordspatiandcum,meaning“tosufferwith.”Idon’tbelievethatcompassionisourdefaultresponse.Ithinkourfirstresponsetopain—oursorsomeoneelse’s—istoself-protect.Weprotectourselvesbylookingforsomeoneorsomethingtoblame.Orsometimesweshieldourselvesbyturningtojudgmentorbyimmediatelygoingintofix-itmode.Chödrönaddressesourtendencytoself-protectbyteachingthatwemustbehonestandforgiving

aboutwhenandhowweshutdown:“Incultivatingcompassionwedrawfromthewholenessofourexperience—our suffering, our empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way.Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship betweenequals.Onlywhenweknowourowndarknesswell canwebepresentwith thedarknessofothers.Compassionbecomesrealwhenwerecognizeoursharedhumanity.”3

Inmystory,Ashleywaswillingtobeinmydarknesswithme.Shewasn’tthereasmyhelperortofixme;shewasjustwithme—asanequal—holdingmyhandasIwadedthroughmyfeelings.

BoundariesandCompassionOne of the greatest (and least discussed) barriers to compassion practice is the fear of settingboundariesandholdingpeopleaccountable.Iknowitsoundsstrange,butIbelievethatunderstandingtheconnectionbetweenboundaries,accountability,acceptance,andcompassionhasmademeakinderperson.Before thebreakdown, Iwas sweeter—judgmental, resentful, and angryon the inside—butsweeter on the outside. Today, I think I’m genuinely more compassionate, less judgmental andresentful,andwaymoreseriousaboutboundaries.Ihavenoideawhatthiscombinationlookslikeontheoutside,butitfeelsprettypowerfulontheinside.Beforethisresearch,Iknewalotabouteachoneoftheseconcepts,butIdidn’tunderstandhowthey

fittogether.Duringtheinterviews,itblewmymindwhenIrealizedthatmanyofthetrulycommittedcompassionpractitionerswerealsothemostboundary-consciouspeopleinthestudy.Compassionatepeopleareboundariedpeople.Iwasstunned.Here’swhatIlearned:Theheartofcompassionisreallyacceptance.Thebetterweareataccepting

ourselvesandothers,themorecompassionatewebecome.Well,it’sdifficulttoacceptpeoplewhentheyarehurtingusortakingadvantageofusorwalkingalloverus.Thisresearchhastaughtmethatifwereallywanttopracticecompassion,wehavetostartbysettingboundariesandholdingpeopleaccountablefortheirbehavior.

Weliveinablameculture—wewanttoknowwhosefaultitisandhowthey’regoingtopay.Inourpersonal, social, andpoliticalworlds,wedoa lotof screamingand finger-pointing,butwe rarelyholdpeopleaccountable.Howcouldwe?We’resoexhaustedfromrantingandravingthatwedon’thavetheenergytodevelopmeaningfulconsequencesandenforcethem.FromWashington,DC,andWall Street to our own schools and homes, I think this rage-blame-too-tired-and-busy-to-follow-throughmind-setiswhywe’resoheavyonself-righteousangerandsolowoncompassion.Wouldn’titbebetterifwecouldbekinder,butfirmer?Howwouldourlivesbedifferentifthere

were less anger and more accountability?What would our work and home lives look like if weblamedlessbuthadmorerespectforboundaries?Iwasrecentlybroughtintotalkwithagroupofcorporateleaderswhoweretryingtomanagea

difficultreorganizationintheircompany.Oneoftheprojectmanagerstoldmethat,afterlisteningtometalkaboutthedangersofusingshameasamanagementtool,hewasworriedthatheshamedhisteammembers.He toldme thatwhenhegets really frustrated, he singlespeopleout and criticizestheirworkinteammeetings.Heexplained,“I’msofrustrated.Ihavetwoemployeeswhojustdon’tlisten.Iexplaineverysingle

detailof theproject,Ichecktomakesuretheyunderstand,andtheystilldoit theirway.I’moutofoptions.Ifeelbackedintoacornerandangry,soItakethemdowninfrontoftheircolleagues.”When I asked him how hewas holding these two employees accountable for not following the

projectprotocol,hereplied,“Whatdoyoumeanbyaccountable?”I explained, “Afteryoucheckwith them tomake sure theyunderstandyour expectationsand the

objectives, how do you explain the consequences of not following the plan or not meeting theobjectives?”Hesaid,“Idon’ttalkabouttheconsequences.Theyknowthey’resupposedtofollowtheprotocol.”Igavehimanexample,“Okay.Whatwouldhappenifyoutoldthemthatyouweregoingtowrite

themuporgivethemanofficialwarningthenexttimetheyviolatedprotocolandthatifitcontinues,they’regoingtolosetheirjobs?”He shookhis head and said, “Oh, no.That’s pretty serious. I’dhave toget thehuman resources

peopleinvolved.Thatbecomesabighassle.”Settingboundariesandholdingpeopleaccountableisalotmoreworkthanshamingandblaming.

But it’salsomuchmoreeffective.Shamingandblamingwithoutaccountability is toxic tocouples,families,organizations,andcommunities.First,whenweshameandblame,itmovesthefocusfromtheoriginalbehaviorinquestiontoourownbehavior.Bythetimethisbossisfinishedshamingandhumiliatinghisemployeesinfrontoftheircolleagues,theonlybehaviorinquestionishis.Additionally, ifwedon’t follow throughwithappropriate consequences,people learn todismiss

ourrequests—eveniftheysoundlikethreatsorultimatums.Ifweaskourkidstokeeptheirclothesoffthefloorandtheyknowthattheonlyconsequenceofnotdoingitisafewminutesofyelling,it’sfairforthemtobelievethatit’sreallynotthatimportanttous.It’shard forus tounderstand thatwecanbe compassionate andacceptingwhileweholdpeople

accountable for their behaviors.We can, and, in fact, it’s the best way to do it.We can confrontsomeone about their behavior, or fire someone, or fail a student, or discipline a child withoutberatingthemorputtingthemdown.Thekeyistoseparatepeoplefromtheirbehaviors—toaddresswhatthey’redoing,notwhotheyare(I’lltalkmoreaboutthisinthenextchapter).It’salsoimportantthatwecanleanintothediscomfortthatcomeswithstraddlingcompassionandboundaries.Wehavetostayawayfromconvincingourselvesthatwehatesomeoneorthattheydeservetofeelbadsothatwecanfeelbetteraboutholding themaccountable.That’swhereweget into trouble.Whenwe talk

ourselves into disliking someone so we’re more comfortable holding them accountable, we’reprimingourselvesfortheshameandblamegame.Whenwefailtosetboundariesandholdpeopleaccountable,wefeelusedandmistreated.Thisis

whywe sometimesattackwho theyare,which is farmorehurtful thanaddressingabehavioror achoice.Forourownsake,weneedtounderstandthatit’sdangeroustoourrelationshipsandourwell-beingtogetmiredinshameandblame,ortobefullofself-righteousanger.It’salsoimpossibletopractice compassion from a place of resentment. If we’re going to practice acceptance andcompassion,weneedboundariesandaccountability.

Connection

Idefineconnectionastheenergythatexistsbetweenpeoplewhentheyfeelseen,heard,andvalued;whentheycangiveandreceivewithoutjudgment;andwhentheyderivesustenanceandstrengthfromtherelationship.AshleyandIfeltdeeplyconnectedafterourexperience.IknowIwasseen,heard,andvalued.Even

thoughitwasscary,Iwasabletoreachoutforsupportandhelp.Andwebothfeltstrengthenedandfulfilled.Infact,acoupleofweekslater,Ashleysaid,“Ican’ttellyouhowgladIamthatyoucalledmethatday.IthelpedmesomuchtoknowthatI’mnottheonlyonewhodoesstufflikethat.IalsoloveknowingthatIcanhelpyouandthatyoutrustme.”Connectionbegetsconnection.Asamatteroffact,wearewiredforconnection.It’sinourbiology.Fromthetimeweareborn,we

need connection to thrive emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually. A decade ago, theidea that we’re “wired for connection” might have been perceived as touchy-feely or New Age.Today,we know that the need for connection ismore than a feeling or a hunch. It’s hard science.Neuroscience,tobeexact.In his book Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, Daniel Goleman

explores how the latest findings in biology and neuroscience confirm that we are hardwired forconnectionandthatourrelationshipsshapeourbiologyaswellasourexperiences.Golemanwrites,“Even our most routine encounters act as regulators in the brain, priming our emotions, somedesirable,othersnot.Themorestronglyconnectedwearewithsomeoneemotionally,thegreaterthemutual force.”4 It’s amazing—yet perhaps not surprising—that the connectednesswe experience inourrelationshipsimpactsthewayourbraindevelopsandperforms.Ourinnateneedforconnectionmakestheconsequencesofdisconnectionthatmuchmorerealand

dangerous.Sometimesweonlythinkwe’reconnected.Technology,forinstance,hasbecomeakindofimposterforconnection,makingusbelievewe’reconnectedwhenwe’rereallynot—atleastnotinthewaysweneedtobe.Inourtechnology-crazedworld,we’veconfusedbeingcommunicativewithfeelingconnected.Justbecausewe’repluggedin,doesn’tmeanwefeelseenandheard.Infact,hyper-communicationcanmeanwespendmoretimeonFacebookthanwedoface-to-facewiththepeoplewecareabout.Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesI’vewalkedintoarestaurantandseentwoparentsontheircellphoneswhiletheirkidsarebusytextingorplayingvideogames.What’sthepointofevensittingtogether?As we think about the definition of connection and how easy it is to mistake technology for

connecting,wealsoneed toconsider lettinggoof themythofself-sufficiency.Oneof thegreatestbarrierstoconnectionistheculturalimportanceweplaceon“goingitalone.”Somehowwe’vecometoequatesuccesswithnotneedinganyone.Manyofusarewillingtoextendahelpinghand,butwe’reveryreluctanttoreachoutforhelpwhenweneeditourselves.It’sasifwe’vedividedtheworldinto

“thosewhoofferhelp”and“thosewhoneedhelp.”Thetruthisthatweareboth.I’ve learned somuchaboutgivingand receiving from themenandwomenwhoareengaged in

Wholeheartedlivingbutnothingmoreimportantthanthis:Untilwecanreceivewithanopenheart,weareneverreallygivingwithanopenheart.Whenweattachjudgmenttoreceivinghelp,weknowinglyorunknowinglyattachjudgmenttogivinghelp.

Foryears,Iplacedvalueonbeingthehelperinmyfamily.Icouldhelpwithacrisisorlendmoneyordispenseadvice.Iwasalwayshappytohelpothers,butIwouldhavenevercalledmysiblingstoaskthemforhelp,especiallyforsupportduringashamestorm.Atthetime,Iwouldhavevehementlydenied attaching judgment tomygenerousgiving.But now, I understandhow I derived self-worthfromneverneedinghelpandalwaysofferingit.Duringthebreakdown,Ineededhelp.Ineededsupportandhand-holdingandadvice.ThankGod!

Turning to my younger brother and sisters completely shifted our family dynamics. I gainedpermissiontofallapartandbeimperfect,andtheycouldsharetheirstrengthandincrediblewisdomwithme. If connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that thosesurgesmusttravelinbothdirections.The Wholehearted journey is not the path of least resistance. It’s a path of consciousness and

choice.And,tobehonest,it’salittlecounterculture.Thewillingnesstotellourstories,feelthepainof others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can dohalfheartedly.Topracticecourage,compassion,andconnectionistolookatlifeandthepeoplearoundus,and

say,“I’mallin.”

Loveisthemostimportantthinginourlives,apassionforwhichwewouldfightordie,andyetwe’rereluctanttolingeroveritsnames.Withoutasupple

vocabulary,wecan’teventalkorthinkaboutitdirectly.

—DIANEACKERMAN

Loveandbelongingareessentialtothehumanexperience.AsIconductedmyinterviews,Irealizedthatonlyonethingseparatedthemenandwomenwhofeltadeepsenseofloveandbelongingfromthepeoplewhoseemtobestruggling for it.Thatone thing is thebelief in theirworthiness. It’sassimpleandcomplicatedasthis:Ifwewanttofullyexperienceloveandbelonging,wemustbelievethatweareworthyofloveandbelonging.Whenwecanletgoofwhatotherpeoplethinkandownourstory,wegainaccesstoourworthiness

—thefeelingthatweareenoughjustasweareandthatweareworthyofloveandbelonging.Whenwespendalifetimetryingtodistanceourselvesfromthepartsofourlivesthatdon’tfitwithwhowethinkwe’resupposedtobe,westandoutsideofourstoryandhustleforourworthinessbyconstantlyperforming, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness—that critically importantpiecethatgivesusaccesstoloveandbelonging—livesinsideofourstory.The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute.

Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created/unknowinglyallowed/beenhandeddownalonglistofworthinessprerequisites:

I’llbeworthywhenIlosetwentypounds.I’llbeworthyifIcangetpregnant.I’llbeworthyifIget/staysober.I’llbeworthyifeveryonethinksI’magoodparent.I’llbeworthywhenIcanmakealivingsellingmyart.I’llbeworthyifIcanholdmymarriagetogether.I’llbeworthywhenImakepartner.I’llbeworthywhenmyparentsfinallyapprove.I’llbeworthyifhecallsbackandasksmeout.I’llbeworthywhenIcandoitallandlooklikeI’mnoteventrying.

Here’s what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We areworthyofloveandbelongingnow.Rightthisminute.Asis.In addition to letting go of the ifs and whens, another critical piece of owning our story and

claimingourworthinessiscultivatingabetterunderstandingofloveandbelonging.Oddlyenough,wedesperatelyneedbothbutrarely talkaboutwhat theyreallyareandhowtheywork.Let’s takealook.

DefiningLoveandBelonging

ForyearsIavoidedusingthewordloveinmyresearchbecauseIdidn’tknowhowtodefineit,andIwasn’tsurethat“C’mon,youknow,love”asadefinitionwouldfly.Ialsocouldn’trelyonquotesorsong lyrics, howevermuch theymight inspireme and speak truth tome. It’s notmy training as aresearcher.Asmuchasweneedandwantlove,wedon’tspendmuchtimetalkingaboutwhatitmeans.Think

about it. You might say “I love you” every day, but when’s the last time you had a seriousconversation with someone about the meaning of love? In this way, love is the mirror image ofshame.Wedesperatelydon’twanttoexperienceshame,andwe’renotwillingtotalkaboutit.Yettheonlywaytoresolveshameistotalkaboutit.Maybewe’reafraidoftopicslikeloveandshame.Mostofuslikesafety,certainty,andclarity.Shameandlovearegroundedinvulnerabilityandtenderness.Belongingisanothertopicthatisessentialtothehumanexperiencebutrarelydiscussed.Mostofususethetermsfittinginandbelonginginterchangeably,andlikemanyofyou,I’mreally

goodatfittingin.Weknowexactlyhowtohustleforapprovalandacceptance.Weknowwhattowear,whattotalkabout,howtomakepeoplehappy,whatnottomention—weknowhowtochameleonourwaythroughtheday.Oneofthebiggestsurprisesinthisresearchwaslearningthatfittinginandbelongingarenotthe

samething,and,infact,fittingingetsinthewayofbelonging.Fittinginisaboutassessingasituationandbecomingwhoyouneedtobetobeaccepted.Belonging,ontheotherhand,doesn’trequireustochangewhoweare;itrequiresustobewhoweare.Before I sharemy definitionswith you, Iwant to point out three issues that I’mwilling to call

truths.Loveandbelongingwill alwaysbeuncertain.Even though connection and relationship are the

most critical components of life, we simply cannot accurately measure them. Relational conceptsdon’t translate into bubbled answer sheets. Relationship and connection happen in an indefinablespace between people, a space thatwill never be fully known or understood by us. Everyonewhorisksexplainingloveandbelongingishopefullydoingthebesttheycantoansweranunanswerablequestion.Myselfincluded.Lovebelongswithbelonging.Oneofthemostsurprisingthingsthatunfoldedinmyresearchis

thepairingofcertainterms.Ican’tseparatetheconceptsofloveandbelongingbecausewhenpeoplespokeof one, they always talked about theother.The sameholds true for the concepts of joy andgratitude, which I’ll talk about it in a later chapter.When emotions or experiences are so tightlywoventogetherinpeople’sstoriesthattheydon’tspeakofonewithouttheother,it’snotanaccidentalentanglement;it’sanintentionalknot.Lovebelongswithbelonging.Ofthis,Iamactuallycertain.Aftercollectingthousandsofstories,I’mwillingtocallthisafact:A

deepsenseofloveandbelongingisanirreducibleneedofallwomen,men,andchildren.Wearebiologically,cognitively,physically,andspirituallywiredtolove,tobeloved,andtobelong.Whenthoseneedsarenotmet,wedon’tfunctionasweweremeantto.Webreak.Wefallapart.Wenumb.Weache.Wehurtothers.Wegetsick.Therearecertainlyothercausesofillness,numbing,andhurt,buttheabsenceofloveandbelongingwillalwaysleadtosuffering.

Ittookmethreeyearstowhittlethesedefinitionsandconceptsfromadecadeofinterviews.Let’stakealook.

Love :Wecultivatelovewhenweallowourmostvulnerableandpowerfulselvestobedeeplyseenandknown,andwhenwehonorthespiritualconnectionthatgrowsfromthatofferingwithtrust,respect,kindness,andaffection.

Loveisnotsomethingwegiveorget;itissomethingthatwenurtureandgrow,aconnectionthatcanonlybecultivatedbetweentwopeoplewhenitexistswithineachoneofthem—wecanonlyloveothersasmuchasweloveourselves.Shame,blame,disrespect,betrayal,andthewithholdingofaffectiondamagetherootsfromwhichlovegrows.Lovecanonlysurvivetheseinjuriesiftheyareacknowledged,healed,andrare.

Be long ing :Belongingistheinnatehumandesiretobepartofsomethinglargerthanus.Becausethisyearningissoprimal,weoftentrytoacquireitbyfittinginandbyseekingapproval,whicharenotonlyhollowsubstitutesforbelonging,butoftenbarrierstoit.Becausetruebelongingonlyhappenswhenwepresentourauthentic,imperfectselvestotheworld,oursenseofbelongingcanneverbegreaterthanourlevelofself-acceptance.

OnereasonthatittakesmesolongtodeveloptheseconceptsisthatIoftendon’twantthemtobetrue.ItwouldbedifferentifIstudiedtheeffectofbirdpooponpottingsoil,butthisstuffispersonalandoftenpainful.Sometimes,asIturnedtothedatatocraftdefinitionsliketheonesabove,Iwouldcry. I didn’twantmy level of self-love to limit howmuch I can lovemychildrenormyhusband.Why?Becauselovingthemandacceptingtheirimperfectionsismucheasierthanturningthatlightofloving-kindnessonmyself.Ifyoulookatthedefinitionofloveandthinkaboutwhatitmeansintermsofself-love,it’svery

specific.Practicingself-lovemeans learninghowto trustourselves, to treatourselveswithrespect,andtobekindandaffectionatetowardourselves.Thisisatallordergivenhowhardmostofusareon ourselves. I know I can talk to myself in ways that I would never consider talking to anotherperson.Howmanyofusarequicktothink,God,I’msostupidandMan,I’msuchanidiot?Justlikecallingsomeonewe lovestupidoran idiotwouldbe incongruentwithpracticing love, talking likethattoourselvestakesaserioustollonourself-love.It’s worth noting that I use the words innate and primal in the definition of belonging. I’m

convinced that belonging is in our DNA, most likely connected to our most primitive survivalinstinct.Givenhowdifficultitistocultivateself-acceptanceinourperfectionistsocietyandhowourneed for belonging is hardwired, it’s nowonder thatwe spend our lives trying to fit in and gainapproval.It’ssomucheasiertosay,“I’llbewhoeverorwhateveryouneedmetobe,aslongasIfeellikeI’m

partofthis.”Fromgangstogossiping,we’lldowhatittakestofitinifwebelieveitwillmeetourneedforbelonging.Butitdoesn’t.Wecanonlybelongwhenweofferourmostauthenticselvesandwhenwe’reembracedforwhoweare.

PracticingLoveandBelongingTobeginbyalwaysthinkingofloveasanactionratherthanafeelingisonewayinwhichanyoneusingthewordinthismannerautomaticallyassumesaccountabilityandresponsibility.

—BELLHOOKS1

While I havepersonally andprofessionally agonizedover thedefinitionsof love andbelonging, Ihave to admit that they have fundamentally changed theway I live and parent.When I’m tired orstressed,Icanbemeanandblaming—especiallytowardmyhusband,Steve.IfItrulyloveSteve(and,ohman,Ido),thenhowIbehaveeverydayisasimportant,ifnotmoreimportant,thansaying“Iloveyou”everyday.Whenwedon’tpracticelovewiththepeopleweclaimtolove,ittakesalotoutofus.Incongruentlivingisexhausting.It’salsopushedmetothinkabouttheimportantdifferencesbetweenprofessingloveandpracticing

love.Duringarecentradiointerviewabouttherashofcelebrityinfidelities,thehostaskedme,“Canyoulovesomeoneandcheatonthemortreatthempoorly?”I thoughtabout it fora long time, thengave thebestanswerIcouldbasedonmywork:“Idon’t

know if youcan love someoneandbetray themorbe cruel to them,but I doknow thatwhenyou

betraysomeoneorbehaveinanunkindwaytowardthem,youarenotpracticinglove.And,forme,Idon’tjustwantsomeonewhosaystheyloveme;Iwantsomeonewhopracticesthatloveformeeveryday.”Inaddition tohelpingmeunderstandwhat love looks likebetweenpeople, thesedefinitionsalso

forcedmetoacknowledgethatcultivatingself-loveandself-acceptanceisnotoptional.Theyaren’tendeavorsthatIcanlookintoifandwhenIhavesomesparetime.Theyarepriorities.

CanWeLoveOthersMoreThanWeLoveOurselves?

Theideaofself-loveandself-acceptancewas,andstillis,revolutionarythinkingforme.Soinearly2009,Iaskedmyblogreaderswhattheythoughtabouttheimportanceofself-loveandtheideathatwecan’tloveothersmorethanweloveourselves.Well,therewasquitetheemotionaldebateinthecommentssection.Several folkspassionatelydisagreedwith thenotionof self-lovebeinga requirement for loving

others.Othersarguedthatwecanactuallylearnhowtoloveourselvesmorebylovingothers.Somefolksjustleftcommentslike,“Thanksforruiningmyday—Idon’twanttothinkaboutthis.”Therewere two comments that addressed the complexity of these ideas in very straightforward

terms. I’d like to share these with you: Justin Valentin, a mental health professional, writer, andphotographer,wrote:

ThroughmychildrenIhavelearnedtoreal lyloveunconditional ly,tobecompassionateattimeswhenIamfeel inghorrible,andtobesomuchmoregiving.WhenIlook atmyonedaughterwholookssomuchl ikeme,Icanseemyselfasal i ttlegirl .Thisremindsmetobek indertothel i ttlegirl thatl ivesinsidemeandtoloveandacceptherasmyown.Itistheloveformygirlsthatmakesmewanttobeabetterpersonandtowork onlovingandacceptingmyself.However,withthatbeingsaid,i tissti l l somucheasiertolovemydaughters….

Perhapsthink ingabouti tthiswaymakesmoresense:Manyofmypatientsaremotherswhostrugglewithdrugaddiction.Theylovetheirchi ldrenmorethanthemselves.Theydestroytheirl ives,hatethemselves,andoftendamagetheirbodiesbeyondrepair.Theysaytheyhatethemselves,buttheylovetheirchi ldren.Theybel ievetheirchi ldrenarelovable,buttheybel ievetheyareunlovable.Onthesurface,onemightsay,yes,someofthemlovetheirchi ldrenmorethanthemselves.However,doeslovingyourchi ldrenmeanthatyouarenotintentional lypoisoningthemthewayyoupoisonyourself?Perhapsourissuesarel ikesecondhandsmoke.Atfi rst,i twasthoughttobenotsodangerousandbysmok ingwewereonlyhurtingourselves.Yet[wehave]

cometofindout,yearslater,secondhandsmokecanbeverydeadly.2

Renae Cobb, a therapist-in-training by day and an undercover writer and occasional blogcontributorbynight,wrote:

Certainly,thepeopleweloveinspireustoheightsofloveandcompassionthatwemighthaveneverachievedotherwise,buttoreal lyscalethoseheights,weoftenhavetogotothedepthsofwhoweare,l ight/shadow,good/evi l ,loving/destructive,andfigureoutourownstuffinordertolovethembetter.SoI’mnotsurei t’sanei ther/orbutaboth/and.Weloveothersfiercely,maybemorethanwethink weloveourselves,butthatfierceloveshoulddriveustothedepthsofourselvessothatwecanlearntobe

compassionatewithourselves.3

IagreewithJustinandRenae.Lovingandacceptingourselvesaretheultimateactsofcourage.Inasocietythatsays,“Putyourselflast,”self-loveandself-acceptancearealmostrevolutionary.Ifwewanttotakepartinthisrevolution,wehavetounderstandtheanatomyofloveandbelonging;

weneed tounderstandwhenandwhywehustle forworthiness rather thanclaimit;andwehave tounderstand the things that get in theway.We encounter obstacles on every journeywemake; theWholehearted journey is no different. In the next chapter we’ll explore what I’ve found to be thegreatestbarrierstolivingandlovingwithourwholehearts.

In2008,IwasinvitedtogiveatalkataveryspecialeventcalledTheUPExperience.Ireallylikethecouplesponsoringtheevent,sowithoutgivingitmuchthought,Iexcitedlyagreedtodoit.Well, you knowhow things always sound betterwhen they’re far away and you don’t know the

details?Thiswasoneofthosethings.Iacceptedtheinvitationin late2008andnever thoughtabout itagainuntil2009,whenthelistof

speakers was published on The UP Experience Web site. Suffice it to say that it was anoverwhelminglyprestigious listof folks.Andme.Theeventwasbilledas“16of theworld’smostexcitingthought-leadersandspeakers.Onemind-openingday!”I freaked out. I couldn’t imagine sharing the stage with Robert Ballard (the archaeological

oceanographerwholocatedtheTitanic),GavinNewsom(themayorofSanFrancisco),NeildeGrasseTyson(theastrophysicistwhohostsNOVAandrunstheHaydenPlanetarium),andDavidPlouffe(thegeniusbehindObama’spresidentialcampaign).Andthat’sjustfouroutofthefifteen.Ontopoftryingtomanagefeelinglikeacompleteimposter,Iwasterrifiedabouttheformat.The

event wasmodeled after the TED talks (www.ted.com), and each speaker would have only twentyminutes to share their most innovative ideas with what they were calling a C-suite audience—anaudienceofmostlyCEOs,CFOs,COOs,andCIOswhowerepaying$1,000fortheday-longevent.SecondsafterIsawthelistofspeakers,IcalledmyfriendJenLemenandreadthelistofnamesto

her.Afterthelastname,Itookadeepbreathandsaid,“I’mnotsosureaboutthis.”Eventhoughwewereonthephoneandshewasthousandsofmilesaway,Icouldseehershaking

herhead.“Putyourmeasuringstickaway,Brené.”Ibristled.“Whatdoyoumean?”Jensaid,“Iknowyou.You’realreadythinkingabouthowtomakeyourtwenty-minutetalksuper

‘researchy’andcomplicated.”Istilldidn’tgetit.“Well,yes.OfcourseI’mgoingtoberesearchy.Doyouseethislistofpeople?

They’re…they’re…grown-ups.”Jenchuckled.“Doyouneedanage-check?”Deadsilenceonmyend.Jenexplained,“Here’sthething.Youarearesearcher,butyourbestworkisn’tfromthehead;it’s

talkingfromtheheart.You’llbefine ifyoudowhatyoudobest—tellstories.Keepit real.Keepithonest.”Ihungup,rolledmyeyes,andthought:Tellstories.You’vegottobekidding?MaybeIcoulddoa

littlepuppetshowtoo.Normallyittakesmeadayortwotodevelopatalk.Ineverspeakfromnotes,butInormallyhavea

visualpresentationandanideaofwhatIwanttosay.Notthistime.Apuppetshowwouldhavebeeneasier.Iwasparalyzedforweeksoverthispresentation.Nothingwasworking.Oneevening,abouttwoweeksbeforetheevent,Steveasked,“How’syourUPtalkcomingalong?”Iburstintotears.“It’snotcomingalong.Idon’thaveshit.Ican’tdoit.I’mgoingtohavetofakea

carwreckorsomething.”Stevesatdownnexttomeandgrabbedmyhand.“What’sgoingon?Thisisn’tlikeyou.I’venever

seenyouunravellikethisoveratalk.Youdothesethingsallthetime.”I buriedmy head inmy hands andmumbled, “I’m blocked. I just can’t stop thinking about this

horribleexperiencethathappenedseveralyearsago.”Stevesoundedsurprised.“Whatexperience?”“Inevertoldyouaboutit,”Iexplained.Heleanedtowardmeandwaited.“FiveyearsagoIbombedatalklikeIhadneverbombedbeforeorsince.Itwasatotaldisaster,and

I’msoafraidthatit’sgoingtohappenagain.”Stevecouldn’tbelievethatIhadnevertoldhimaboutmydisastrousexperience.“Whatinthehell

happened?Whydidn’tyoutellme?”Igotupfromthetableandsaid,“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.Itwilljustmakeitworse.”Hegrabbedmyhandandpulledmebacktothetable.HelookedatmeinanI’ve-been-waiting-my-

whole-life-to-use-your-line-against-youway.“Don’tweneed to talkabout thehard things?Doesn’ttalkingalwaysmakeitbetter?”Iwastootiredtofight,soItoldhimthisstory.Fiveyearsago,whenmyfirstbookcameout,Iwasaskedtospeakatawomen’snetworkinglunch.

Iwassoexcitedbecause,liketheUPExperience,Iwouldbespeakingtoagroupof“normal”people—not therapists or academics—but normal businesspeople. In fact, this eventwasmy first normalaudiencegroup.I arrived early at the swanky country club where the event was being hosted, and I introduced

myselftothewomanincharge.Aftersizingmeupforwhatfeltlikeaneternity,shegreetedmewithastackofshortpronouncements.“Hello.Youdon’tlooklikearesearcher.I’mgoingtointroduceyou.Ineedyourbio.”Itwasanuptight twiston“nice tomeetyoutoo,”butokay.Ihandedhermybioandthatwasthe

beginningoftheend.She read it for thirty seconds before she gasped, turned to me, and peering over her reading

glasses,snapped,“Thissaysthatyou’reashameresearcher.Isthattrue?”Allofasudden,Iwastenyearsoldandin theprincipal’soffice.Ihungmyheadandwhispered,

“Yes,ma’am.I’mashameresearcher.”Withherlipspursed,shepopped,“Do.You.Study.Anything.Else?”Icouldn’ttellher.“Do.You?”shedemanded.“Yes.Ialsostudyfearandvulnerability.”She shrapsed,which is likeacomboshriekandgasp. “Iwas told thatyoucollected researchon

howtobemorejoyfulandhowtohavemoreconnectionandmeaninginourlives.”Ah…gotit.Shedidn’tknowanythingaboutme.Shemusthaveheardaboutmefromsomeonewho

failedtomentionthenatureofmywork.Nowitallmadesense.

I tried toexplain,“Idon’t reallystudy‘how-to’be joyfulandhavemoremeaning inour lives. Iknow a lot about these topics because I study the things that get in the way of joy, meaning, andconnection.”Withoutevenrespondingtome,shewalkedoutoftheroomandleftmestandingthere.Oh,theironyofashameresearcherstandinginapuddleof“I’mnotgoodenough.”Shecamebackafewminuteslater,lookedrightoverthetopofmyhead,andsaid,“Here’showthis

isgoingtogo:Number1:You’renotgoingtotalk aboutthethingsthatgetintheway.You’regoingtotalk aboutthehow-topart.That’swhatpeoplewanttohear.Peoplewanthow-to.

Number2:Donotmentionthewordshame.Peoplewil l beeating.

Number3:Peoplewanttobecomfortableandjoyful .That’sal l .Keepi tjoyful andcomfortable.”

Ijuststoodthereintotalshock.Afterafewquietseconds,sheasked,“Okay?”andbeforeIcouldsayanything,sheansweredforme,“Soundsgood.”Then,justasshestartedwalkingaway,sheturnedaroundandsaid,“Lightandbreezy.Peoplelike

light andbreezy.”And, just in case Iwasn’t clear, she spreadher fingers far apart andmadehugesweeping gestures with her hands to illustrate “light” and “breezy” (picture Margaret ThatcherimitatingBobFosse).ForfortyminutesIstoodinfrontofthisgroup,totallyparalyzedandrepeatingdifferentversions

of,“Joyisgood.Happyisso,sogood.Weshouldallbejoyful.Andhavemeaning.Becausethey’rejustsodarngood.”Thewomenintheaudiencejustsmiled,nodded,andatetheirchicken.Itwasatrainwreck.BythetimeIendedthestory,Steve’sfacewasallscrunchedupandhewasshakinghishead.He’s

notabigfanofpublicspeaking,soI thinkhewasstavingoffhisownanxietyashelistenedtomydisasterstory.But, strangely enough, telling the storymademe less anxious. In fact, the second that I finished

tellingSteve the story, I felt different. I finally got it.Mywork—me—the decade I’ve spent doingresearch—it’s all about “the things that get in theway.” I’mnot about the “how-to” because in tenyears,I’veneverseenanyevidenceof“how-to”workingwithouttalkingaboutthethingsthatgetintheway.Inaverypowerfulway,owning thisstoryallowedme toclaimwhoIamasa researcherand to

establishmyvoice.IlookedatSteveandsmiled.“Idon’tdohow-to.”For the first time in fiveyears, I realized that thecountryclubwomanwasn’tout togetmeand

sabotagemytalk.Ifthatwerethecase,herridiculousparameterswouldn’thavebeensodevastatingtome.Her listwassymptomaticofourcultural fears.Wedon’twant tobeuncomfortable.Wewantaquickanddirty“how-to”listforhappiness.Idon’tfitthatbill.Neverhave.Don’tgetmewrong,I’dlovetoskipoverthehardstuff,butitjust

doesn’twork.Wedon’tchange,wedon’tgrow,andwedon’tmoveforwardwithoutthework.Ifwereallywanttoliveajoyful,connected,andmeaningfullife,wemusttalkaboutthingsthatgetintheway.UntilIownedandspokethisstory,Iletmylackof“quicktips”and“fivesimplesteps”getinthe

wayofmyprofessionalworthiness.NowthatI’veclaimedthatstory,Iseethatmyunderstandingofthedarknessgivesmysearchforthelightcontextandmeaning.I’mhappytoreportthatTheUPExperiencewentreallywell.Iactuallytoldthis“LightandBreezy”

storyasmytalk.Itwasarisk,butIfiguredthatevenC-suitesstrugglewithworthiness.Acoupleofweeksaftertheevent,Igotacallfromtheorganizer.Shesaid,“Congratulations!Theevaluationsare

inandyourtalkfinishedinthetoptwooftheday,andgivenwhatyoustudy,youwerethedarkhorsegoingin.”Here’sthebottomline:

Ifwewanttoliveandlovewithourwholehearts,andifwewanttoengagewiththeworldfromaplaceofworthiness,wehavetotalkaboutthethingsthatgetintheway—especiallyshame,fear,andvulnerability.

InJungiancircles,shameisoftenreferredtoastheswamplandofthesoul.I’mnotsuggestingthatwewadeoutintotheswampandsetupcamp.I’vedonethatandIcantellyouthattheswamplandofthesoulisanimportantplacetovisit,butyouwouldnotwanttolivethere.WhatI’mproposingis thatwelearnhowtowadethroughit.Weneedtoseethatstandingonthe

shoreandcatastrophisizingaboutwhatcouldhappenifwetalkedhonestlyaboutourfearsisactuallymore painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp. And,mostimportant,weneedtolearnwhyconstantlytryingtomaintainourfootingontheshiftingshoreaswegazeacrosstotheothersideoftheswamp—whereourworthinesswaitsforus—ismuchharderworkthantrudgingacross.“How-to”isaseductiveshortcut,andIunderstandthat.Whycrosstheswampifyoucanjustbypass

it?Buthere’sthedilemma:Whyis“how-to”soalluringwhen,truthfully,wealreadyknow“howto”

yetwe’restillstandinginthesameplacelongingformorejoy,connection,andmeaning?Mosteveryonereadingthisbookknowshowtoeathealthy.IcantellyoutheWeightWatcherpoints

foreveryfoodinthegrocerystore.IcanrecitetheSouthBeachPhaseIgroceryshoppinglistandtheglycemicindexlikethey’rethePledgeofAllegiance.Weknowhowtoeathealthy.We also know how to make good choices with our money.We know how to take care of our

emotionalneeds.Weknowallofthis,yet…Wearethemostobese,medicated,addicted,andin-debtAmericansEVER.

Why?We havemore access to information,more books, andmore good science—why arewestrugglinglikeneverbefore?Becausewedon’ttalkaboutthethingsthatgetinthewayofdoingwhatweknowisbestforus,our

children,ourfamilies,ourorganizations,andourcommunities.Icanknoweverythingthereistoknowabouteatinghealthy,butifit’soneofthosedayswhenEllen

is strugglingwitha schoolprojectandCharlie’shomesick fromschooland I’m trying tomakeawriting deadline andHomeland Security increased the threat level and our grass is dying andmyjeansdon’tfitandtheeconomyistankingandtheInternetisdownandwe’reoutofpoopbagsforthedog—forget it!All Iwant to do is snuff out the sizzling anxietywith a pumpkinmuffin, a bag ofchips,andchocolate.Wedon’ttalkaboutwhatkeepsuseatinguntilwe’resick,busybeyondhumanscale,desperateto

numbandtaketheedgeoff,andfullofsomuchanxietyandself-doubtthatwecan’tactonwhatweknow isbest forus.Wedon’t talkabout thehustle forworthiness that’sbecomesuchapartofourlivesthatwedon’tevenrealizethatwe’redancing.WhenI’mhavingoneofthosedaysthatIjustdescribed,someoftheanxietyisjustapartofliving,

but there are dayswhenmost ofmy anxiety growsout of the expectations I put onmyself. IwantEllen’s project to be amazing. I want to take care of Charlie without worrying about my owndeadlines.IwanttoshowtheworldhowgreatIamatbalancingmyfamilyandcareer.Iwantouryardtolookbeautiful.Iwantpeopletoseeuspickingupourdog’spoopinbiodegradablebagsandthink,MyGod!Theyaresuchoutstandingcitizens.TherearedayswhenIcanfighttheurgetobeeverythingtoeveryone,andtherearedayswhenitgetsthebestofme.

Aswediscussedinthelastchapter,whenwestruggletobelieveinourworthiness,wehustleforit.Thehustleforworthinesshasitsownsoundtrackandforthoseofyouwhoaremyageandolder,it’snotthefunky“DotheHustle”fromthe’70s.It’sthecacophonyofshametapesandgremlins—thosemessagesthatfuel“nevergoodenough.”

“Whatwillpeoplethink?”“You can’t really love yourself yet. You’re not ________________ enough.” (pretty, skinny,successful, rich, talented, happy, smart, feminine, masculine, productive, nice, strong, tough,caring,popular,creative,well-liked,admired,contributing)“Noonecanfindoutabout_____________.”“I’mgoingtopretendthateverythingisokay.”“IcanchangetofitinifIhaveto!”“Whodoyouthinkyouaretoputyourthoughts/art/ideas/beliefs/writingoutintheworld?”“Takingcareofthemismoreimportantthantakingcareofme.”

Shame is thatwarm feeling thatwashes over us,making us feel small, flawed, and never goodenough.Ifwewanttodevelopshameresilience—theabilitytorecognizeshameandmovethroughitwhilemaintainingourworthinessandauthenticity—thenwehavetotalkaboutwhyshamehappens.Honest conversations about shame can change the way we live, love, parent, work, and build

relationships.Ihavemorethanonethousandlettersande-mailsfromreadersofIThoughtItWasJustMe,mybookonshameresilience,thatallsaythesamething:“Ican’tbelievehowmuchtalkingaboutshamechangedmy life!” (And I promise, even if you’re eatingwhile you’re talking about shame,you’llbeokay.)

ShameResilience101

Herearethefirstthreethingsthatyouneedtoknowaboutshame:

1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that weexperience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy andhumanconnection.

2. We’reallafraidtotalkaboutshame.3. Thelesswetalkaboutshame,themorecontrolithasoverourlives.

Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable—it’s the total opposite of owning our story andfeelingworthy.Infact,thedefinitionofshamethatIdevelopedfrommyresearchis:

Shameistheintenselypainfulfeelingorexperienceofbelievingthatweareflawedandthereforeunworthyofloveandbelonging.1

Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to peoplethinkinglessofus.Shameisallaboutfear.We’reafraid thatpeoplewon’t likeus if theyknowthetruth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, howmuch we’re struggling, or,believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring (sometimes it’s just as hard to own ourstrengthsasourstruggles).People often want to believe that shame is reserved for the folks who have survived terrible

traumas,but this is not true.Shame is somethingweall experience.Andwhile it feels as if shame

hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places, includingappearanceandbody image, family, parenting,moneyandwork,health, addiction, sex, aging, andreligion.Tofeelshameistobehuman.Thestoriesofourstrugglesaredifficultforeveryonetoown,andifwe’veworkedhardtomake

sureeverythinglooks“justright”ontheoutside, thestakesarehighwhenitcomesto truth-telling.Thisiswhyshamelovesperfectionists—it’ssoeasytokeepusquiet.Inadditiontothefearofdisappointingpeopleorpushingthemawaywithourstories,we’realso

afraidthatifwetellourstories, theweightofasingleexperiencewillcollapseuponus.Thereisarealfearthatwecanbeburiedordefinedbyanexperiencethat,inreality,isonlyasliverofwhoweare.ItellalotofthesestoriesinmybookIThoughtItWasJustMe,buttheonethatcomestomindnow

is about a woman who worked up the courage to tell her neighbor that she was a recoveringalcoholic,onlytohaveherneighborsay,“I’mnotsureI’mcomfortablewithmykidsplayingatyourhouseanymore.”Thisbravewomantoldmethatshepushedthroughherfearandsaid,“Butthey’veplayedherefortwoyears,andI’vebeensoberfortwentyyears.I’mnotanydifferentthanIwastenminutesago.Whyareyou?”Ifshameistheuniversalfearofbeingunworthyofloveandbelonging,andifallpeoplehavean

irreducible and innate need to experience love and belonging, it’s easy to seewhy shame is oftenreferred toas“themasteremotion.”Wedon’thave toexperienceshame tobeparalyzedby it—thefearofbeingperceivedasunworthyisenoughtoforceustosilenceourstories.Andifweallhaveshame,thegoodnewsisthatwe’reallcapableofdevelopingshameresilience.

Shame resilience is the ability to recognize shame, to move through it constructively whilemaintainingworthiness and authenticity, and toultimatelydevelopmore courage, compassion, andconnectionasaresultofourexperience.Thefirstthingweneedtounderstandaboutshameresilienceisthatthelesswetalkaboutshame,themorewehaveit.Shameneedsthreethingstogrowoutofcontrolinourlives:secrecy,silence,andjudgment.When

somethingshaminghappensandwekeepitlockedup,itfestersandgrows.Itconsumesus.Weneedtoshareourexperience.Shamehappensbetweenpeople,andithealsbetweenpeople.Ifwecanfindsomeonewhohasearnedtherighttohearourstory,weneedtotellit.Shamelosespowerwhenitisspoken.Inthisway,weneedtocultivateourstorytoletgoofshame,andweneedtodevelopshameresilienceinordertocultivateourstory.Afteradecadeofresearch,Ifoundthatmenandwomenwithhighlevelsofshameresilienceshare

thesefourelements:

1. Theyunderstandshameandrecognizewhatmessagesandexpectationstriggershameforthem.2. Theypractice critical awarenessby reality-checking themessagesandexpectations that tell us

thatbeingimperfectmeansbeinginadequate.3. Theyreachoutandsharetheirstorieswithpeopletheytrust.4. Theyspeakshame—theyusethewordshame,theytalkabouthowthey’refeeling,andtheyask

forwhattheyneed.

WhenI thinkabout themenandwomen inmystudywhospokeabout the transformativepowerofstory—the folkswhoownand share their stories—I realize that they are alsopeoplewhopracticeshameresilience.Becausesomuchofworthinessandshameresilienceisaboutowningourstories,Iwanttoshare

one of my own shame-resilience stories with you. But before I do that, I want to address two

commonlyaskedquestionsaboutshame.Ithinkitwillhelpyouwrapyourheadandheartaroundthistoughtopic.What’s the difference between shame and guilt? The majority of shame researchers and

clinicians agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differencesbetween“Iambad”and“Ididsomethingbad.”

Guilt=Ididsomethingbad.Shame=Iambad.

Shame is aboutwhowe are, and guilt is about our behaviors.We feel guiltywhenwe hold upsomethingwe’vedoneorfailedtodoagainstthekindofpersonwewanttobe.It’sanuncomfortablefeeling,butonethat’shelpful.Whenweapologizeforsomethingwe’vedone,makeamendstoothers,orchangeabehaviorthatwedon’tfeelgoodabout,guiltismostoftenthemotivator.Guiltisjustaspowerful as shame, but its effect is often positive while shame often is destructive.When we seepeopleapologize,makeamends,orreplacenegativebehaviorswithmorepositiveones,guiltisoftenthemotivator, not shame. In fact, inmy research, I found that shame corrodes the part of us thatbelieveswecanchangeanddobetter.2

Doesn’tshamekeepusinline?Alongwithmanyotherprofessionals,I’vecometotheconclusionthatshameismuchmorelikelytoleadtodestructiveandhurtfulbehaviorsthanitistobethesolution.Again,itishumannaturetowanttofeelworthyofloveandbelonging.Whenweexperienceshame,wefeeldisconnectedanddesperateforworthiness.Fullofshameorthefearofshame,wearemorelikelytoengageinself-destructivebehaviorsandtoattackorshameothers.Infact,shameisrelatedtoviolence,aggression,depression,addiction,eatingdisorders,andbullying.Children who usemore shame self-talk (I am bad) versus guilt self-talk (I did something bad)

strugglemightilywithissuesofself-worthandself-loathing.Usingshametoparentteacheschildrenthattheyarenotinherentlyworthyoflove.

ShameResearcherHealThyself!

No matter how much you know about shame, it can sneak up on you (trust me, I speak fromexperience).Youcanbeinthemiddleofashameexperiencewithoutevenknowingwhat’shappeningandwhy.Thegoodnewsisthat,withenoughpractice,shameresiliencecanalsosneakuponyou!Thefollowingstorynotonlyillustratestheinsidiousnatureofshame,italsoreinforcestheimportanceofspeakingaboutshameandtellingourstory.For severalmonths in2009,myblogwas featuredasanexample siteon thehostingcompany’s

mainpage.ItwasreallyfunbecauseIgotlotsoftrafficfrompeoplewhowouldn’tnormallysearchoutablogonauthenticityandcourage.OnedayIgotane-mailfromawomanwholikedmylayoutanddesign.Ifeltproudandgrateful…untilIgottothispartofhere-mail:

Ireal lyl ikeyourblog.It’sverycreativeandeasytoread.Thesnapofyouandyourgirl friendinthetheaterwouldbetheonlyexception…egads!Iwouldneveraddabadphototoablog,butIamthephotographerhere.;-)

I couldn’t believe it. The photo shewas referring towas a picture that I had taken ofmy goodfriendLauraandmesitting inadark theaterwaitingfor theSexand theCitymovie tostart. Itwasopeningdayandwewerefeelinggoofyandexcited,soIpulledoutmycameraandsnappedapicture.I was so angry, confused, and shocked by this woman’s comment about my picture, but I kept

reading.Shewentontoaskalotofquestionsabouttheblog’sdesignandthenclosedhere-mailbyexplainingthatsheworkswithmany“cluelessparents”andthatsheplanstoletthemknowaboutmy

parentingwork.Whatever.Iwassopissedoff.Ipacedbackandforthinthekitchen,thensatdowntopoundoutane-mail.

Draft#1includedthisl ine:“Egads!Iwouldneverputdownsomeone’sphotography,butI’mtheshameresearcherhere.”

Draft#2includedthisl ine:“Icheckedoutyourphotographyonline.Ifyou’reconcernedaboutpostingbadphotos,I’drethinkpostingyourphotos.”

Draft#3includedthisl ine:“Ifyou’regoingtosendashittye-mail,theleastyoucandoisspell-checkit.‘Their’doesnotmean‘theyare.’”

Mean.Nasty.Ididn’tcare.ButIalsodidn’tsendit.Somethinginmybodystoppedme.Ireadovermyattacke-mails,tookadeepbreath,andthenracedintothebedroom.Ithrewonmyrunningshoesand a baseball cap and hit the pavement. I needed to get out of the house and discharge theweirdenergycoursingthroughmyveins.Aboutonemile intomywalk, I calledmygood friendLaura, the friendwhohappens toappear

withmeinsaidtheaterpicture.Itoldheraboutthewoman’se-mailandshegasped,“Areyoukiddingme?”“Nope. I’mnotkidding.Wannahearmy three responses? I’mstill trying todecidewhichone to

use.”Irecitedmy“killanddestroy”responses,andshegaspedagain.“Brené,thosearereallyballsy.Icouldn’tdoit.I’djustbereallyhurtandprobablycry.”LauraandI

talkaboutheavystuffallofthetime.Wehaveaverycomfortablerhythm.Wecanpingwordsallovertheplaceorbothgetreallyquiet.We’realwaysanalyzingandsayingthingslike,“Okay,staywithme…I’mthinking…”and“Doesthismakesense?”or“No.No.Wait.It’scomingtome.”Atthispointinourconversation,Isaid,“Laura,don’tsayanything.Ineedtothinkaboutwhatyou

justsaid.”Fortwoorthreeminutestheonlysoundwasmysweatypanting.Finally,Isaid,“Youwouldgetyourfeelingshurtandcry?”Laurareluctantlyresponded,“Yes.Why?”“Well…,” Ihesitated,“I’m thinking thatcryingandgettingmyfeelingshurtwouldbe thebrave

optionforme.”Laurasoundedsurprised.“Whatdoyoumean?”IexplainedthebestIcould.“Meanandnastyismydefaultsetting.Itdoesn’ttakecourageformeto

beshamingback.Icanusemyshamesuperpowersforevilinasplitsecond.Lettingmyselffeelhurt—that’satotallydifferentstory.Ithinkyourdefaultismycourage.”We talked about it for awhile and decided that Laura’s courage is acknowledging hurt without

running from it, andmycourage is acknowledginghurt andnothurtingback.Wealsoagreed thatcrueltyisneverbrave—it’smostlycheapandeasy,especiallyintoday’sculture.Aftertalkingforanothermileorso,Lauraasked,“Okay,nowthatwe’vegottheacknowledging-

hurtthingdown,whatwouldbethecourageousthingforyoutodowiththise-mail?”I fought back tears. “Be hurt. Cry. Tell you about it. Let it go. Delete the e-mail. Don’t even

respond.”Laurawasquiet foraminute; thensheblurtedout,“OhmyGod!That’sshameresilience, right?

You’repracticingcourage.”Iwasconfused,likeIhadneverheardthetermbefore.“Huh?Whatdoyoumean?”Laurapatientlysaid,“Shameresilience—youknow—yourbook?Theblueone.Thefourelements

of shame resilience: Name it. Talk about it. Own your story. Tell the story. Your book.”We bothstartedlaughing.Ithoughttomyself,Holycrap.Itworks.

AweeklaterIwasstandinginfrontofagroupofseventygraduatestudentswhoweretakingmycourseonshameandempathy.Iwastalkingaboutthefourelementsofshameresiliencewhenoneofthestudentsraisedherhandandaskedforanexample.Idecidedtotellthe“egads”story.It’ssuchagreat example of how shame can happen at a totally unconscious level and how important it is tonameitandtalkaboutit.Isetupthestorybydescribingmyblogandmynewcommitmenttolearnphotography.Itoldthem

thatIfeltvulnerableaboutsharingmypictures,andIfeltashamedandbelittledwhenIreceivedthiscriticale-mail.WhenItoldthemaboutmydeepdesiretorespondwithcruelty,severalofthestudentsburiedtheir

heads in their hands andothers just looked away. I’m sure somewere disappointedbymy lackofenlightenment.Otherslookedplainscared.One student raised his hand and said, “Can I ask a personal question?” Given that I was in the

middleofsharingavulnerableshamestory,Ifiguredthatitcouldn’thurt.Iwaswrong.Hebravelysaid,“Ihearyousayingthatitwasaboutfeelingcriticizedaboutyourphotography,but

wasthatreallythevulnerability?Didtheshamecomefromfeelinglikeyouwerebeingcriticizedfora bad picture, or were you ashamed because you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable and openratherthanclosedandprotected,andsomeonehurtyou?Wasitreallyaboutlettingyourselfbeopentoconnectionandgettinghurt?”Mymouthgot dry. I started sweating. I rubbedmy forehead and then looked straight at the red-

facedstudents.“Ican’tbelieveit!That’sexactlywhathappened.Ididn’tknowituntil thisminute,butthat’swhat

happened. That’s exactly what happened. I took a goofy picture in the theater—something I don’tnormally do, but Iwaswith a close friend andwewere feelinggiddy andgirly. I posted it onlinebecauseIwasexcitedandthoughtitwasfun.Thensomeonecriticizedme.”Acoupleofthestudentsglaredattheirbravecolleaguelike,Waytogo.Youtraumatizedher.ButI

didn’tfeeltraumatized.Orfoundout.Orexposed.Ifeltliberated.ThestoryIneededtoowninordertoaccessmyworthinesswasnotastoryofarookiephotographerstrugglingwithcriticismoveraphotograph. It was the story of a pretty serious person being fun and spontaneous and goofy andimperfectandhavingsomeonepokeatthatvulnerability.Resilienceisoftenaslowunfoldingofunderstanding.Whatdidthatexperiencemeantome?What

were the gremlins mumbling? Not only do we need to own our story and love ourselves in theprocess,wehavetofigureouttherealstory!Wealsohavetolearnhowweprotectourselvesfromshameifwewanttodevelopworthiness.

WhatDoesShameLookLike?

Whenitcomes tounderstandinghowwedefendourselvesagainstshame,Ihave theutmost respectfor the work from the Stone Center atWellesley. Dr. Linda Hartling, a former relational-culturaltheoristattheStoneCenterandnowthedirectorofHumanDignityandHumiliationStudies,usesthelate Karen Horney’s work on moving toward, moving against, and moving away to outline thestrategiesofdisconnectionweusetodealwithshame.3

According toDr.Hartling, inorder todealwith shame, someofusmoveaway bywithdrawing,hiding,silencingourselves,andkeepingsecrets.Someofusmovetowardbyseekingtoappeaseandplease.And,someofusmoveagainstbytryingtogainpoweroverothers,bybeingaggressive,andbyusingshametofightshame(likesendingreallymeane-mails).

Mostofususeallofthese—atdifferenttimeswithdifferentfolksfordifferentreasons.Yetallofthesestrategiesmoveusawayfromourstory.Shameisaboutfear,blame,anddisconnection.Storyisabout worthiness and embracing the imperfections that bring us courage, compassion, andconnection.Ifwewanttolivefully,withouttheconstantfearofnotbeingenough,wehavetoownourstory.Wealsohavetorespondtoshameinawaythatdoesn’texacerbateourshame.Onewaytodothatistorecognizewhenwe’reinshamesowecanreactwithintention.Shameisafull-contactemotion.Menandwomenwithhighlevelsofshameresilienceknowwhen

shame is happening. The easiest way to know shame is to cultivate an awareness of our physicalshamesymptoms.AsImentionedinthechapteroncourage,compassion,andconnection,IknowthatI’mstrugglingwithshamewhenthatwarmwashofinadequacycomesoverme,myheartraces,myfacefeelshot,mymouthgetsdry,myarmpitstingle,andtimeslowsdown.It’simportanttoknowourpersonalsymptomssowecangetdeliberateinourresponsetoshame.Whenwe’reinshame,we’renotfitforhumanconsumption.Weneedtogetbackonouremotional

feetbeforewedo,say,e-mail,ortextsomethingthatwe’llregret.Iknowthatitwill takemetentofifteenminutestopullmyselftogetherandthatIwilldefinitelycrybeforeI’mready.I’llalsoneedtopray.Knowingthisissuchagift.If you want to kick-start your shame resilience and story-claiming, start with these questions.

Figuringouttheanswerscanchangeyourlife:

1. Whodoyoubecomewhenyou’rebackedintothatshamecorner?2. Howdoyouprotectyourself?3. Whodoyoucalltoworkthroughthemean-nastiesorthecry-n-hidesorthepeople-pleasing?4. What’sthemostcourageousthingyoucoulddoforyourselfwhenyoufeelsmallandhurt?

Our stories are notmeant for everyone.Hearing them is a privilege, andwe should always askourselvesthisbeforeweshare:“Whohasearnedtherighttohearmystory?”Ifwehaveoneortwopeople inour liveswhocan sitwithusandhold space forour shamestories, and loveus forourstrengthsandstruggles,weareincrediblylucky.Ifwehaveafriend,orasmallgroupoffriends,orfamily who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense ofbelonging,weareincrediblelucky.Wedon’tneedloveandbelongingandstory-catchingfromeveryoneinour lives,butweneedit

fromatleastoneperson.Ifwehavethatonepersonorthatsmallgroupofconfidants,thebestwaytoacknowledge these connections is to acknowledge our worthiness. If we’re working towardrelationshipsbasedinlove,belonging,andstory,wehavetostartinthesameplace:Iamworthy.

Oftenpeopleattempttolivetheirlivesbackwards:theytrytohavemorethings,ormoremoney,inordertodomoreofwhattheywantsothattheywillbehappier.Thewayitactuallyworksisthereverse.Youmustfirstbewhoyoureallyare,thendowhatyoureallyneedtodo,inordertohavewhatyouwant.

—MargaretYoung

Before I started doing my research, I always thought of people as being either authentic orinauthentic.Authenticitywassimplyaqualitythatyouhadorthatyouwerelacking.Ithinkthat’sthewaymostofususetheterm:“She’saveryauthenticperson.”ButasIstartedimmersingmyselfintheresearch and doing my own personal work, I realized that, like many desirable ways of being,authenticity isnotsomethingwehaveordon’thave. It’sapractice—aconsciouschoiceofhowwewanttolive.Authenticityisacollectionofchoicesthatwehavetomakeeveryday.It’saboutthechoicetoshow

upandbereal.Thechoicetobehonest.Thechoicetoletourtrueselvesbeseen.Therearepeoplewhoconsciouslypracticebeingauthentic,therearepeoplewhodon’t,andthere

aretherestofuswhoareauthenticonsomedaysandnotsoauthenticonotherdays.Trustme,eventhoughIknowplentyaboutauthenticityandit’ssomethingIworktoward,ifIamfullofself-doubtorshame,Icansellmyselfoutandbeanybodyyouneedmetobe.Theideathatwecanchooseauthenticitymakesmostofusfeelbothhopefulandexhausted.Wefeel

hopeful because being real is somethingwe value.Most of us are drawn towarm, down-to-earth,honestpeople,andweaspiretobelikethatinourownlives.Wefeelexhaustedbecausewithoutevengiving it too much thought, most of us know that choosing authenticity in a culture that dictateseverythingfromhowmuchwe’resupposedtoweightowhatourhousesaresupposedtolooklikeisahugeundertaking.Given themagnitudeof the taskathand—beauthentic in a culture thatwantsyou to “fit in”and

“people-please”—IdecidedtousemyresearchtodevelopadefinitionofauthenticitythatIcoulduseasatouchstone.Whatistheanatomyofauthenticity?Whatarethepartsthatcometogethertocreateanauthenticself?Here’swhatIdeveloped:

Authenticityisthedailypracticeoflettinggoofwhowethinkwe’resupposedtobeandembracingwhoweare.

Choosingauthenticitymeans

cultivatingthecouragetobeimperfect,tosetboundaries,andtoallowourselvestobevulnerable;

exercisingthecompassionthatcomesfromknowingthatweareallmadeofstrengthandstruggle;and

nurturingtheconnectionandsenseofbelongingthatcanonlyhappenwhenwebelievethatweareenough.

AuthenticitydemandsWholeheartedlivingandloving—evenwhenit’shard,evenwhenwe’rewrestlingwiththeshameandfearofnotbeinggoodenough,andespeciallywhenthejoyissointensethatwe’reafraidtoletourselvesfeelit.

Mindfullypracticingauthenticityduringourmostsoul-searchingstrugglesishowweinvitegrace,joy,andgratitudeintoourlives.

You’llnoticethatmanyofthetopicsfromthetenguidepostsarewoventhroughoutthedefinition.That theme will repeat itself throughout this book. All of the guideposts are interconnected andrelatedtoeachother.Mygoalistotalkaboutthemindividuallyandcollectively.Iwantustoexplorehow each of them works on its own and how they fit together.We’ll spend the rest of the bookunpackingtermslikeperfectionso thatwecanunderstandwhythey’reso importantandwhatoftengetsinourwayoflivingaWholeheartedlife.Choosingauthenticityisnotaneasychoice.E.E.Cummingswrote,“Tobenobody-but-yourselfin

aworldwhichisdoingitsbest,nightandday,tomakeyoueverybodybutyourself—meanstofightthehardestbattlewhichanyhumanbeingcanfight—andneverstopfighting.”“Stayingreal”isoneofthemostcourageousbattlesthatwe’lleverfight.Whenwechoosetobetruetoourselves,thepeoplearounduswillstruggletomakesenseofhow

and why we are changing. Partners and childrenmight feel fearful and unsure about the changesthey’reseeing.Friendsandfamilymayworryabouthowourauthenticitypracticewillaffectthemandourrelationshipswiththem.Somewillfindinspirationinournewcommitment;othersmayperceivethat we’re changing too much—maybe even abandoning them or holding up an uncomfortablemirror.It’snotsomuchtheactofauthenticitythatchallengesthestatusquo—Ithinkofitastheaudacityof

authenticity. Most of us have shame triggers around being perceived as self-indulgent or self-focused.Wedon’twantourauthenticitytobeperceivedasselfishornarcissistic.WhenIfirststartedmindfullypracticingauthenticityandworthiness,Ifeltlikeeverydaywasawalkthroughagauntletofgremlins.Theirvoicescanbeloudandunrelenting:

“WhatifIthinkI’menough,butothersdon’t?”“WhatifIletmyimperfectselfbeseenandknown,andnobodylikeswhattheysee?”“What ifmy friends/family/co-workers like the perfectme better… you know, the onewhotakescareofeverythingandeveryone?”

Sometimes,whenwepush the system, it pushesback.Thepushbackcanbeeverything fromeyerolls andwhispers to relationship struggles and feelings of isolation.There can also be cruel andshaming responses to our authentic voices. Inmy research on authenticity and shame, I found thatspeakingoutisamajorshametriggerforwomen.Here’showtheresearchparticipantsdescribedthestruggletobeauthentic:

Don’tmakepeoplefeeluncomfortablebutbehonest.Don’tupsetanyoneorhurtanyone’sfeelingsbutsaywhat’sonyourmind.Soundinformedandeducatedbutnotlikeaknow-it-all.Don’tsayanythingunpopularorcontroversialbuthavethecouragetodisagreewiththecrowd.

Ialsofoundthatmenandwomenstrugglewhentheiropinions,feelings,andbeliefsconflictwithour culture’s gender expectations. For example, research on the attributes that we associate with“being feminine” tells us that some of themost important qualities forwomen are thin, nice, andmodest.1Thatmeans ifwomenwant to play it totally safe,wehave to bewilling to stay as small,quiet,andattractiveaspossible.When looking at the attributes associated with masculinity, the researchers identified these as

importantattributesformen:emotionalcontrol,primacyofwork,controloverwomen,andpursuitofstatus.2Thatmeansifmenwanttoplayitsafe,theyneedtostopfeeling,startearning,andgiveuponmeaningfulconnection.Thethingis…authenticityisn’talwaysthesafeoption.Sometimeschoosingbeingrealoverbeing

liked is all about playing it unsafe. It means stepping out of our comfort zone. And trust me, assomeone who has stepped out on many occasions, it’s easy to get knocked around when you’rewanderingthroughnewterritory.It’s easy to attack and criticize someonewhile he or she is risk- taking—voicing an unpopular

opinionorsharinganewcreationwiththeworldortryingsomethingnewthatheorshehasn’tquitemastered.Crueltyischeap,easy,andrampant.It’salsochicken-shit.Especiallywhenyouattackandcriticizeanonymously—liketechnologyallowssomanypeopletodothesedays.Aswestruggletobeauthenticandbrave,it’simportanttorememberthatcrueltyalwayshurts,even

ifthecriticismsareuntrue.Whenwegoagainstthegrainandputourselvesandourworkoutintheworld,somepeoplewillfeelthreatenedandtheywillgoafterwhathurtsthemost—ourappearance,ourlovability,andevenourparenting.Theproblemisthatwhenwedon’tcareatallwhatpeoplethinkandwe’reimmunetohurt,we’re

also ineffectiveatconnecting.Courage is tellingour story,notbeing immune tocriticism.Stayingvulnerableisariskwehavetotakeifwewanttoexperienceconnection.Ifyou’relikeme,practicingauthenticitycanfeellikeadauntingchoice—there’sriskinvolvedin

puttingyour true selfout in theworld.But Ibelieve there’sevenmore risk inhidingyourself andyour gifts from theworld.Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don’t just go away.Theyare likely to festerandeatawayatourworthiness. I thinkweshouldbebornwithawarninglabelsimilartotheonesthatcomeoncigarettepackages:Caution:Ifyoutradeinyourauthenticityfor safety, youmay experience the following: anxiety, depression, eatingdisorders, addiction, rage,blame,resentment,andinexplicablegrief.Sacrificingwhoweareforthesakeofwhatotherpeoplethinkjustisn’tworthit.Yes,therecanbe

authenticitygrowingpainsforthepeoplearoundus,butintheend,beingtruetoourselvesisthebestgiftwecangivethepeoplewelove.WhenIletgooftryingtobeeverythingtoeveryone,Ihadmuchmore time, attention, love, and connection for the important people in my life. My authenticitypracticecanbehardonSteveandthekids—mostlybecauseitrequirestime,energy,andattention.ButthetruthisthatSteve,Ellen,andCharlieareengagedinthesamestruggle.Weallare.

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate:WheneverI’mfacedwithavulnerablesituation,Igetdeliberatewithmyintentionsby repeating this to myself: “Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.” I thinkthere’s something deeply spiritual about standing your ground. Saying this little mantra helpsmeremembernottogetsmallsootherpeoplearecomfortableandnottothrowupmyarmorasawaytoprotectmyself.

GetInspired:I’minspiredbyeveryonewhosharestheirworkandopinionswiththeworld.Courageiscontagious.MyfriendKatherineCentersays,“Youhavetobebravewithyourlifesothatotherscanbebravewiththeirs.”3

GetGoing: I try tomake authenticitymy number one goalwhen I go into a situationwhere I’m

feeling vulnerable. If authenticity is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it. I might get myfeelingshurt,butIrarelyfeelshame.Whenacceptanceorapprovalbecomesmygoal,anditdoesn’tworkout,thatcantriggershameforme:“I’mnotgoodenough.”Ifthegoalisauthenticityandtheydon’tlikeme,I’mokay.Ifthegoalisbeinglikedandtheydon’tlikeme,I’mintrouble.Igetgoingbymakingauthenticitythepriority.

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Thethingthatisreallyhard,andreallyamazing,isgivinguponbeingperfectandbeginningtheworkofbecomingyourself.

—ANNAQU INDLEN1

One of the best parts of my work is receiving letters and e-mails from readers. In early 2009, Ireceivedmyonethousandthe-mailfromareaderofIThoughtItWasJustMe.Tocelebrate,Idecidedto facilitate an eight-week read-along of the book onmy blog. I called it theShame.Less Joy.Fullread-along.Basically, the read-alongwas aWeb-based book club.We covered one chapter perweek, and I

offeredposts,podcasts,discussions,andcreativeartsexercisesalongtheway.Theread-alongisnowonmyblog, and people still use it—reading through the bookwith a group or friend is somuchmorepowerful.Justbeforetheread-alongstarted,Ireceivedane-mailthatsaid,“Ilovetheideaofaread-along.I

don’t think Ihave shame issues,but ifyoueverdo somethingonperfectionism, I’ll be the first inline.”Hersign-offwasfollowedbyashort littlesentencethatread:“PS—shameandperfectionismaren’trelated,arethey?”I e-mailed her back and explained the relationship between shame and perfectionism: Where

perfectionismexists,shameisalwayslurking.Infact,shameisthebirthplaceofperfectionism.Ilovedherresponse:“YoumightwanttotalkaboutthatbeforeWEstarttheread-along.Myfriends

andIknowthatwestrugglewithperfectionism,butwedon’tclaimshame.”We don’t claim shame. You can’t believe how many times I’ve heard that! I know shame is a

dauntingword.Theproblemisthatwhenwedon’tclaimshame,itclaimsus.Andoneofthewaysitsneaksintoourlivesisthroughperfectionism.Asa recoveringperfectionistandanaspiringgood-enoughist, I’ve found itextremelyhelpful to

bust some of the myths about perfectionism so that we can develop a definition that accuratelycaptureswhatitisandwhatitdoestoourlives.

Perfectionismisnotthesamethingasstrivingtobeyourbest.Perfectionismisnotabouthealthyachievementandgrowth.Perfectionismisthebeliefthatifweliveperfect,lookperfect,andactperfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield.Perfectionismisatwenty-tonshieldthatwelugaroundthinkingitwillprotectuswhen,infact,it’sthethingthat’sreallypreventingusfromtakingflight.Perfectionismisnotself-improvement.Perfectionismis,atitscore,abouttryingtoearnapproval

andacceptance.Mostperfectionistswereraisedbeingpraisedforachievementandperformance(grades,manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along theway,we adopt this dangerous anddebilitatingbelief system: I amwhat I accomplish andhowwell I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused—How can Iimprove?Perfectionismisother-focused—Whatwilltheythink?

Understandingthedifferencebetweenhealthystrivingandperfectionismiscriticaltolayingdowntheshieldandpickingupyourlife.Researchshowsthatperfectionismhamperssuccess.Infact, it’softenthepathtodepression,anxiety,addiction,andlife-paralysis.2Life-paralysisreferstoalloftheopportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could beimperfect.It’salsoallofthedreamsthatwedon’tfollowbecauseofourdeepfearoffailing,makingmistakes,anddisappointingothers.It’sterrifyingtoriskwhenyou’reaperfectionist;yourself-worthisontheline.I put these three insights together to craft a definition of perfectionism (because youknowhow

muchIlovetogetwordswrappedaroundmystruggles!).It’slong,butmanhasithelpedme!It’salsothe“mostrequested”definitiononmyblog.

Perfectionismisaself-destructiveandaddictivebeliefsystemthatfuelsthisprimarythought:IfIlook perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid orminimize the painfulfeelingsofshame,judgment,andblame.Perfectionismisself-destructivesimplybecausethereisnosuchthingasperfect.Perfectionisanunattainablegoal.Additionally,perfectionismismoreaboutperception—wewanttobeperceivedasperfect. Again, this is unattainable—there is no way to control perception, regardless of howmuchtimeandenergywespendtrying.Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, andblame,weoftenbelieve it’sbecauseweweren’tperfect enough.So rather thanquestioning thefaultylogicofperfectionism,webecomeevenmoreentrenchedinourquesttolive,look,anddoeverythingjustright.Feelingshamed, judged,andblamed(and the fearof these feelings)arerealitiesof thehumanexperience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painfulemotionsandoftenleadstoself-blame:It’smyfault.I’mfeelingthiswaybecause“I’mnotgoodenough.”

Toovercomeperfectionism,weneedtobeabletoacknowledgeourvulnerabilitiestotheuniversalexperiencesofshame,judgment,andblame;developshameresilience;andpracticeself-compassion.Whenwe becomemore loving and compassionatewith ourselves andwe begin to practice shameresilience,wecanembraceourimperfections.Itisintheprocessofembracingourimperfectionsthatwefindourtruestgifts:courage,compassion,andconnection.Based on my data, I don’t think that some people are perfectionists and others are not. I think

perfectionism exists along a continuum. We all have some perfectionistic tendencies. For some,perfectionism may only emerge when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable. For others,perfectionismcanbecompulsive,chronic,anddebilitating,similartoaddiction.I’ve started to work on my perfectionism, one messy piece at a time. In doing so, I finally

understand(inmybones)thedifferencebetweenperfectionismandhealthyachieving.Exploringourfearsandchangingourself-talkaretwocriticalstepsinovercomingperfectionism.

Here’smyexample:Likemostwomen,Istrugglewithbodyimage,self-confidence,andthealways-complicatedrelationshipbetweenfoodandemotions.Here’sthedifferencebetweenperfectionismdietsandheal thygoals.

Pe rfe ctionismse lf-talk:“Ugh.Nothingfi ts.I’mfatandugly.I’mashamedofhowIlook .IneedtobedifferentthanIamrightnowtobeworthyofloveandbelonging.”

He althy-s triving se lf-talk:“Iwantthisforme.Iwanttofeel betterandbeheal thier.Thescaledoesn’tdictatei fI’mlovedandaccepted.IfIbel ievethatI’mworthyofloveandrespectnow,Iwil l invi tecourage,compassion,andconnectionintomyl i fe.Iwanttofigurethisoutforme.Icandothis.”

Forme, the resultsof this shiftwere life changing.Perfectionismdidn’t lead to results. It led topeanutbutter.I’ve alsohad to relyon theold “fake it ’til youmake it” a few times. I thinkof it aspracticing

imperfection.Forexample,rightafterIstartedworkingonthisdefinition,somefriendsdroppedbyourhouse.My thennine-year-olddaughter,Ellen, shouted, “Mom!Donand Julieareat thedoor!”Ourhousewastrashed,andIcouldtellbythesoundofEllen’svoicethatshewasthinking,Ohno!Mom’sgoingtofreak.Isaid,“Justasecond,”asIhurriedtogetdressed.Sheranbacktomyroomandsaid,“Doyouwant

metohelppickup?”I said, “No, I’m just gettingdressed. I’m soglad they’re here.What a nice surprise!Who cares

aboutthehouse!”ThenIputmyselfinaSerenityPrayertrance.So, if we want to live and love with our whole hearts, how do we keep perfectionism from

sabotagingourefforts?WhenIinterviewedwomenandmenwhowereengagingwiththeworldfroma place of authenticity and worthiness, I realized that they had a lot in common regardingperfectionism.First,theyspokeabouttheirimperfectionsinatenderandhonestway,andwithoutshameandfear.

Second, theywere slow to judge themselvesandothers.Theyappeared tooperate fromaplaceof“We’realldoingthebestwecan.”Theircourage,compassion,andconnectionseemedrootedinthewaytheytreatedthemselves.Iwasn’tquitesurehowtocapturetheseattributes,butIassumedthattheywere separatequalities.That is until twoyears ago,when I foundDr.KristinNeff’sworkon self-compassion. Let’s explore the concept of self-compassion and why it’s essential to practicingauthenticityandembracingimperfection.

Self-CompassionAmomentofself-compassioncanchangeyourentireday.Astringofsuchmomentscanchangethecourseofyourlife.

—CHRISTOPHERK.GERMER3

Dr.KristinNeffisaresearcherandprofessorattheUniversityofTexasatAustin.SherunstheSelf-Compassion Research Lab, where she studies how we develop and practice self-compassion.According to Neff, self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, andmindfulness.4Hereareabbreviateddefinitionsforeachofthese:

Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feelinadequate,ratherthanignoringourpainorflagellatingourselveswithself-criticism.Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personalinadequacyarepartofthesharedhumanexperience—somethingweallgothroughratherthansomethingthathappensto“me”alone.Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither

suppressednorexaggerated.Wecannotignoreourpainandfeelcompassionforitatthesametime.Mindfulnessrequiresthatwenot“over-identify”withthoughtsandfeelings,sothatwearecaughtupandsweptawaybynegativity.

OneofthemanythingsthatIloveaboutDr.Neff’sworkisherdefinitionofmindfulness.Manyofus think that being mindful means not avoiding painful emotions. Her definition reminds us thatmindfulnessalsomeansnotover-identifyingwithorexaggeratingourfeelings.Ithinkthat’skeyforthoseofuswhostrugglewithperfectionism.I’llgiveyouthe“perfect”example:Irecentlye-mailedanauthortoaskifIcouldquoteherworkinthisbook.IincludedtheexactpassagethatIwantedtoincludesothatshecouldmakeaninformedchoice.Shegenerouslysaidyes,butwarnedmeagainstusingtheparagraphinthee-mailbecauseIhadmisspelledhername.Iwentintototalperfectionparalysis.“OhmyGod!I’mwritingtoaskherifIcanquoteherandI

misspellhername.Sheprobably thinks I’ma totalhack.Whywas I so sloppy?” Itwasn’t a shameattack—I didn’t get sucked under that far—but I also didn’t respondwith self-compassion. I cameclose tobeing“sweptawaybynegativereactivity.”Luckily,adraftof thischapterwason the tablenexttome.Ilookeddownatitandsmiled.Bekindtoyourself,Brené.Thisisnotabigdeal.Using this e-mail exchange as an example, you can seehowmyperfectionismand lackof self-

compassion could easily lead to judgment. I think ofmyself as a sloppy hack because of one tinymistake. By the same token,when I get an e-mail from someone and there aremistakes, I have atendencytomakesweepingjudgments.ItgetsreallydangerousifEllencomestomeandsays,“Ijustsent my teacher an e-mail, and I accidentally misspelled her name.” Do I say, “What? That’sunacceptable!”ordoIsay,“I’vedonethesamething—mistakeshappen.”Perfectionismneverhappensinavacuum.Ittoucheseveryonearoundus.Wepassitdowntoour

children,weinfectourworkplacewithimpossibleexpectations,andit’ssuffocatingforourfriendsandfamilies.Thankfully,compassionalsospreadsquickly.Whenwe’rekindtoourselves,wecreateareservoir of compassion that we can extend to others. Our children learn how to be self-compassionatebywatchingus,andthepeoplearoundusfeelfreetobeauthenticandconnected.

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate:Onetoolthat’shelpedmegetdeliberateaboutmyself-compassionisDr.Neff’sSelf-Compassion Scale.5 It’s a short test that measures the elements of self-compassion (self-kindness,commonhumanity,andmindfulness)andthethingsthatgetintheway(self-judgment,isolation,andoveridentification).ThescalehelpedmetorealizethatIdoreallywellintermsofcommonhumanityandmindfulness,butself-kindnessneedsmyconstantattention.TheSelf-CompassionScaleandotherwonderfulinformationareavailableonDr.Neff’sWebsite:www.self-compassion.org.

GetInspired:Mostofusaretryingtoliveanauthenticlife.Deepdown,wewanttotakeoffourgamefaceandberealandimperfect.ThereisalinefromLeonardCohen’ssong“Anthem”thatservesasaremindertomewhenIgetintothatplacewhereI’mtryingtocontroleverythingandmakeitperfect.6Thelineis,“Thereisacrackineverything.That’showthelightgetsin.”Somanyofusrunaroundspacklingallofthecracks,tryingtomakeeverythinglookjustright.Thislinehelpsmerememberthebeautyofthecracks(andthemessyhouseandtheimperfectmanuscriptandthetoo-tightjeans).Itremindsme that our imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in thistogether.Imperfectly,buttogether.

GetGoing:Sometimesithelpsmetowakeupinthemorningandtellmyself,“Today,I’mgoingtobelievethatshowingupisenough.”

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Shecouldnevergobackandmakesomeofthedetailspretty.Allshecoulddowasmoveforwardandmakethewholebeautiful.

—TERRIST.CLOUD,WWW.BONESIGHARTS.COM1

Resilience—the ability to overcome adversity—has been a growing topic of study since the early1970s. In aworld plagued by stress and struggle, everyone from psychologists, psychiatrists, andsocialworkerstoclergyandcriminaljusticeresearcherswanttoknowwhyandhowsomefolksarebetteratbouncingbackfromhardshipthanothers.Wewanttounderstandwhysomepeoplecancopewithstressandtraumainawaythatallowsthemtomoveforwardintheirlives,andwhyotherpeopleappearmoreaffectedandstuck.As I collected and analyzed my data, I recognized that many of the people I interviewed were

describing storiesof resilience. Iheard storiesaboutpeoplecultivatingWholehearted livesdespiteadversity. I learned about people’s capacities to stay mindful and authentic under great stress andanxiety, and I heard people describe how they were able to transform trauma intoWholeheartedthriving.Itwasn’tdifficulttorecognizethesestoriesastalesofresiliencebecauseIwasingraduateschool

during the heyday of resilience research. I knew these narrativeswere threadedwithwhatwe callprotectivefactors—thethingswedo,have,andpracticethatgiveusthebounce.

WhatMakesUpResilience?

Ifyoulookatthecurrentresearch,herearefiveofthemostcommonfactorsofresilientpeople:

1. Theyareresourcefulandhavegoodproblem-solvingskills.2. Theyaremorelikelytoseekhelp.3. Theyholdthebeliefthattheycandosomethingthatwillhelpthemtomanagetheirfeelingsand

tocope.4. Theyhavesocialsupportavailabletothem.5. Theyareconnectedwithothers,suchasfamilyorfriends.2

Ofcourse,therearemorefactors,dependingontheresearchers,butthesearethebigones.Atfirst, Ihopedthepatterns thatIobservedinmyresearchwouldleadtoaverystraightforward

conclusion—resilienceisacorecomponentofWholeheartedness—justliketheotherguideposts.Butthere was something more to what I was hearing. The stories had more in common than just

resilience;allofthesestorieswereaboutspirit.AccordingtothepeopleIinterviewed,theveryfoundationofthe“protectivefactors”—thethings

that made them bouncy—was their spirituality. By spirituality, I’m not talking about religion ortheology,butIamtalkingaboutasharedanddeeplyheldbelief.Basedontheinterviews,here’showIdefinespirituality:

Spiritualityisrecognizingandcelebratingthatweareallinextricablyconnectedtoeachotherbyapowergreaterthanallofus,andthatourconnectiontothatpowerandtooneanotherisgroundedinloveandcompassion.Practicingspiritualitybringsasenseofperspective,meaning,andpurposetoourlives.

Without exception, spirituality—the belief in connection, a power greater than self, andinterconnections grounded in love and compassion—emerged as a component of resilience.MostpeoplespokeofGod,butnoteveryone.Somewereoccasionalchurchgoers;otherswerenot.Someworshippedatfishingholes;othersintemples,mosques,orathome.Somestruggledwiththeideaofreligion; others were devout members of organized religions. The one thing that they all had incommonwasspiritualityasthefoundationoftheirresilience.Fromthisfoundationofspirituality,threeothersignificantpatternsemergedasbeingessentialto

resilience:

1. Cultivatinghope2. Practicingcriticalawareness3. Lettinggoofnumbingandtakingtheedgeoffvulnerability,discomfort,andpain

Let’stakealookateachoftheseandhowthey’reconnectedtoresilienceandspirit.

HopeandPowerlessness

As a researcher, I can’t think of twowords that aremoremisunderstood than thewordshope andpower. As soon as I realized that hope is an important piece of Wholehearted living, I startedinvestigatingandfound theworkofC.R.Snyder,a formerresearcherat theUniversityofKansas,Lawrence.3 Like most people, I always thought of hope as an emotion—like a warm feeling ofoptimismandpossibility.Iwaswrong.Iwasshockedtodiscoverthathopeisnotanemotion;it’sawayofthinkingoracognitiveprocess.

Emotionsplayasupportingrole,buthopeisreallyathoughtprocessmadeupofwhatSnydercallsatrilogyofgoals,pathways,andagency.4Inverysimpleterms,hopehappenswhen

Wehavetheabilitytosetrealisticgoals(IknowwhereIwanttogo).Weareable tofigureouthowtoachieve thosegoals, includingtheability tostayflexibleanddevelop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can toleratedisappointmentandtryagain).Webelieveinourselves(Icandothis!).

So,hope isacombinationofsettinggoals,having the tenacityandperseverance topursue them,andbelievinginourownabilities.And, if that’snotnewsenough,here’s somethingelse:Hope is learned!Snyder suggests thatwe

learnhopeful,goal-directedthinkinginthecontextofotherpeople.Childrenmostoftenlearnhopefrom their parents. Snyder says that to learn hopefulness, children need relationships that arecharacterizedbyboundaries,consistency,andsupport.Ithinkit’ssoempoweringtoknowthatIhavetheabilitytoteachmychildrenhowtohope.It’snotacrapshoot.It’saconsciouschoice.

ToaddtoSnyder ’sworkonhope,Ifoundinmyresearchthatmenandwomenwhoself-reportashopefulputconsiderablevalueonpersistenceandhardwork.Thenewculturalbeliefthateverythingshouldbefun,fast,andeasyisinconsistentwithhopefulthinking.Italsosetsusupforhopelessness.Whenweexperiencesomethingthatisdifficultandrequiressignificanttimeandeffort,wearequicktothink,Thisissupposedtobeeasy;it’snotworththeeffort,or,Thisshouldbeeasier:it’sonlyhardandslowbecauseI’mnotgoodatit.Hopefulself-talksoundsmorelike,Thisistough,butIcandoit.On the other hand, for those of uswhohave the tendency to believe that everythingworthwhile

shouldinvolvepainandsuffering(likeyourstruly),I’vealsolearnedthatneverfun,fast,andeasyisas detrimental to hope asalways fun, fast, and easy.Givenmy abilities to chase down a goal andbulldog it until it surrenders frompure exhaustion, I resented learning this.Before this research Ibelievedthatunlessblood,sweat,andtearswereinvolved,itmustnotbethatimportant.Iwaswrong.Again.Wedevelopahopefulmind-setwhenweunderstandthatsomeworthyendeavorswillbedifficult

andtimeconsumingandnotenjoyableatall.Hopealsorequiresustounderstandthatjustbecausetheprocessofreachingagoalhappenstobefun,fast,andeasydoesn’tmeanthatithaslessvaluethanadifficultgoal.Ifwewanttocultivatehopefulness,wehavetobewillingtobeflexibleanddemonstrateperseverance. Not every goal will look and feel the same. Tolerance for disappointment,determination,andabeliefinselfaretheheartofhope.As a college professor and researcher, I spend a significant amount of time with teachers and

schooladministrators.OverthepasttwoyearsI’vebecomeincreasinglyconcernedthatwe’reraisingchildrenwhohavelittletolerancefordisappointmentandhaveastrongsenseofentitlement,whichisverydifferentthanagency.Entitlementis“IdeservethisjustbecauseIwantit”andagencyis“IknowIcandothis.”Thecombinationoffearofdisappointment,entitlement,andperformancepressureisarecipeforhopelessnessandself-doubt.Hopelessness isdangerousbecauseit leads tofeelingsofpowerlessness.Likethewordhope,we

often think of power as negative. It’s not.The best definition ofpower comes fromMartinLutherKingJr.Hedescribedpowerastheabilitytoeffectchange.Ifwequestionourneedforpower,thinkaboutthis:Howdoyoufeelwhenyoubelievethatyouarepowerlesstochangesomethinginyourlife?Powerlessnessisdangerous.Formostofus,theinabilitytoeffectchangeisadesperatefeeling.We

needresilienceandhopeandaspiritthatcancarryusthroughthedoubtandfear.Weneedtobelievethatwecaneffectchangeifwewanttoliveandlovewithourwholehearts.

PracticingCriticalAwareness

Practicing critical awareness is about reality-checking themessages and expectations that drive the“never good enough”gremlins. From the timewewakeup to the timeour headhits the pillow atnight, we are bombarded with messages and expectations about every aspect of our lives. FrommagazineadsandTVcommercialstomoviesandmusic,we’retoldexactlywhatweshouldlooklike,howmuchweshouldweigh,howoftenweshouldhavesex,howweshouldparent,howweshoulddecorate our houses, and which car we should drive. It’s absolutely overwhelming, and, in myopinion,nooneisimmune.Tryingtoavoidmediamessagesislikeholdingyourbreathtoavoidairpollution—it’snotgoingtohappen.It’s in our biology to trust what we seewith our eyes. Thismakes living in a carefully edited,

overproduced,andPhotoshoppedworldverydangerous.Ifwewanttocultivatearesilientspiritandstopfallingpreytocomparingourordinaryliveswithmanufacturedimages,weneedtoknowhowtoreality-checkwhatwesee.Weneedtobeabletoaskandanswerthesequestions:

1. IswhatI’mseeingreal?Dotheseimagesconveyreallifeorfantasy?2. Do these images reflect healthy,Wholehearted living, or do they turnmy life, my body,my

family,andmyrelationshipsintoobjectsandcommodities?3. Whobenefitsbymyseeing these imagesandfeelingbadaboutmyself?Hint:This isALWAYSaboutmoneyand/orcontrol.

Inadditiontobeingessentialtoresilience,practicingcriticalawarenessisactuallyoneofthefourelements of shame resilience.Shameworks like the zoom lenson a camera.Whenwe are feelingshame,thecameraiszoomedintightandallweseeisourflawedselves,aloneandstruggling.Wethinktoourselves,I’mtheonlyonewithamuffin-top?AmItheonlyonewithafamilywhoismessy,loud,andoutofcontrol?AmI theonlyonenothavingsex4.3 timesperweek(withaCalvinKleinmodel)?Somethingiswrongwithme.Iamalone.Whenwezoomout,westarttoseeacompletelydifferentpicture.Weseemanypeopleinthesame

struggle.Rather than thinking, I’m the only one,we start thinking, I can’t believe it! You too? I’mnormal?Ithoughtitwasjustme!Oncewestart toseethebigpicture,wearebetterabletoreality-checkourshametriggersandthemessagesandexpectationsthatwe’renevergoodenough.Inmyexperiencesasateacherandshameresearcher,Ihavefoundincredibleinsightandwisdom

intheworkofJeanKilbourneandJacksonKatz.BothKilbourneandKatzexploretherelationshipofmedia images to actual problems in the society, such as violence, the sexual abuse of children,pornography and censorship,masculinity and loneliness, teenage pregnancy, addiction, and eatingdisorders. Kilbourne writes, “Advertising is an over $200 billion a year industry. We are eachexposed to over 3000 ads a day. Yet, remarkably, most of us believe we are not influenced byadvertising. Ads sell a great deal more than products. They sell values, images, and concepts ofsuccessandworth,loveandsexuality,popularityandnormalcy.Theytelluswhoweareandwhoweshould be. Sometimes they sell addictions.”5 I highly recommendKilbourne’s andKatz’sDVDs—they’vechangedthewayIseetheworldandmyself.(JeanKilbourne’slatestDVDisKillingUsSoftly4,6andKatz’sDVDistitledToughGuise:Violence,Media,andtheCrisisinMasculinity.7)As I mentioned earlier, practicing spirituality brings perspective, meaning, and purpose to our

lives.Whenweallowourselvestobecomeculturallyconditionedtobelievethatwearenotenoughandthatwedon’tmakeenoughorhaveenough,itdamagesoursoul.ThisiswhyIthinkpracticingcriticalawarenessandreality-checkingisasmuchaboutspiritualityasitisaboutcriticalthinking.

NumbingandTakingtheEdgeOff

I talked tomany researchparticipantswhowere strugglingwithworthiness.Whenwe talkedabouthow they dealt with difficult emotions (such as shame, grief, fear, despair, disappointment, andsadness),Iheardoverandoverabouttheneedtonumbandtaketheedgeoffoffeelingsthatcausevulnerability, discomfort, andpain.Participants described engaging inbehaviors that numbed theirfeelingsorhelpedthemtoavoidexperiencingpain.Someoftheseparticipantswerefullyawarethattheir behaviors had a numbing effect, while others did not seem tomake that connection.When Iinterviewed theparticipantswhom I’ddescribe as livingaWholehearted life about the same topic,theyconsistentlytalkedabouttryingtofeelthefeelings,stayingmindfulaboutnumbingbehaviors,andtryingtoleanintothediscomfortofhardemotions.Iknewthiswasacriticallyimportantfindinginmyresearch,soIspentseveralhundredinterviews

trying tobetterunderstand theconsequencesofnumbingandhow taking theedgeoffbehaviors isrelatedtoaddiction.Here’swhatIlearned:

1. Mostofusengageinbehaviors(consciouslyornot)thathelpustonumbandtaketheedgeofoffvulnerability,pain,anddiscomfort.

2. Addictioncanbedescribedaschronicallyandcompulsivelynumbingandtakingtheedgeoffoffeelings.

3. Wecannotselectivelynumbemotions.Whenwenumbthepainfulemotions,wealsonumbthepositiveemotions.

Themost powerful emotions thatwe experience have very sharp points, like the tip of a thorn.When they prick us, they cause discomfort and even pain. Just the anticipation or fear of thesefeelingscantrigger intolerablevulnerability inus.Weknowit’scoming.Formanyofus,ourfirstresponsetovulnerabilityandpainofthesesharppointsisnottoleanintothediscomfortandfeelourwaythroughbutrathertomakeitgoaway.Wedothatbynumbingandtakingtheedgeoffthepainwithwhateverprovidesthequickestrelief.Wecananesthetizewithawholebunchofstuff,includingalcohol, drugs, food, sex, relationships,money,work, caretaking, gambling, staying busy, affairs,chaos,shopping,planning,perfectionism,constantchange,andtheInternet.Before conducting this research I thought that numbing and taking the edge off was just about

addiction,butIdon’tbelievethatanymore.NowIbelievethateveryonenumbsandtakestheedgeoffandthataddictionisaboutengaginginthesebehaviorscompulsivelyandchronically.Themenandwomen in my study whom I would describe as fully engaged in Wholehearted living were notimmune to numbing.Theprimarydifference seemed to be that theywere awareof thedangers ofnumbingandhaddevelopedtheabilitytofeeltheirwaythroughhigh-vulnerabilityexperiences.Idefinitelybelievethatgeneticsandneurobiologycanplayacriticalrole inaddiction,butIalso

believe that there are countless people out there strugglingwith numbing and taking the edge offbecausethediseasemodelofaddictiondoesn’tfittheirexperiencesascloselyasamodelthattakesnumbingprocessesintoconsideration.Noteveryone’saddictionisthesame.WhenIfirststartedmyresearch,Iwasveryfamiliarwithaddiction.Ifyou’vereadIThoughtItWas

JustMe,orifyoufollowmyblog,youprobablyknowthatI’vebeensoberforclosetofifteenyears.I’ve always been very up front about by experiences, but I haven’t written about it in great detailbecause until I started working through this new research on Wholeheartedness, I didn’t reallyunderstandit.NowIgetit.Myconfusionstemmed from the fact that Ineverhave felt completely in syncwith the recovery

community.AbstinenceandtheTwelveStepsarepowerfulandprofoundlyimportantprinciplesinmylife,butnoteverythingabout the recoverymovement fits forme.Forexample,millionsofpeopleowetheirlivestothepowerthatcomesfromsaying,“Hi,I’m(name),andI’manalcoholic.”That’snever fit forme.Even thoughI’mgrateful formysobriety,andI’mconvinced that ithas radicallychangedmylife,sayingthosewordshasalwaysfeltdisempoweringandstrangelydisingenuousforme.I have oftenwondered if I felt out of place because I quit somany things at one time.My first

sponsorcouldn’tfigureoutwhatmeetingIneededandwasperplexedbymy“veryhighbottom”(Iquit drinking because Iwanted to learnmore about true self, andmywild party-girl persona keptgettingintheway).Shelookedatmeonenightandsaid,“Youhavethepupuplatterofaddictions—alittle bit of everything. To be safe, it would be best if you just quit drinking, smoking, comfort-eating,andgettinginyourfamily’sbusiness.”Irememberlookingather,throwingmyforkonthetable,andsaying,“Well,that’sjustawesome.I

guessI’llhavesomefreetimeonmyhandsforallofthemeetings.”Ineverfoundmymeeting.Iquit

drinkingandsmokingthedayafterIfinishedmymaster ’sdegreeandmademywaythroughenoughmeetingstoworktheStepsandgetoneyearofsobrietyundermybelt.NowIknowwhy.I’vespentmostofmy life trying tooutrunvulnerabilityanduncertainty. Iwasn’t raisedwith the

skills and emotional practice needed to “lean into discomfort,” so over time I basically became atake-the-edge-off-aholic.Buttheydon’thavemeetingsforthat.Andaftersomebriefexperimenting,Ilearnedthatdescribingyouraddictionthatwayinameetingdoesn’talwaysgooververywellwiththepurists.Forme,itwasn’tjustthedancehalls,coldbeer,andMarlboroLightsofmyyouththatgotoutof

hand—it was banana bread, chips and queso, e-mail, work, staying busy, incessant worrying,planning,perfectionism,andanythingelsethatcoulddullthoseagonizingandanxiety-fueledfeelingsofvulnerability.I’vehadacoupleof friendsrespond tomy“I’ma take-the-edge-off-aholic”withconcernabout

theirownhabits:“Idrinkacoupleofglassesofwineeverynight—isthatbad?”“IalwaysshopwhenI’mstressedordepressed.”“IcomeoutofmyskinifI’mnotalwaysgoingandstayingbusy.”Again,afteryearsofresearch,I’mconvincedthatweallnumbandtaketheedgeoff.Thequestion

is, does our _______________ (eating, drinking, spending, gambling, saving the world, incessantgossiping,perfectionism, sixty-hourworkweek)get in thewayofourauthenticity?Does it stopusfrombeingemotionallyhonestandsettingboundariesandfeelinglikewe’reenough?Doesitkeepusfromstayingoutofjudgmentandfromfeelingconnected?Areweusing_____________tohideorescapefromtherealityofourlives?Understandingmybehaviorsandfeelingsthroughavulnerabilitylensratherthanstrictlythrough

anaddictionlenschangedmyentirelife.Italsostrengthenedmycommitmenttosobriety,abstinence,health, and spirituality. I candefinitely say, “Hi.Myname isBrené, and today I’d like todealwithvulnerabilityanduncertaintywithanapplefritter,abeerandcigarette,andspendingsevenhoursonFacebook.”Thatfeelsuncomfortablyhonest.

WhenWeNumbtheDark,WeNumbtheLight

In another very unexpected discovery, my research also taught me that there’s no such thing asselective emotional numbing.There is a full spectrumof human emotions andwhenwe numb thedark,wenumbthelight.WhileIwas“takingtheedgeoff”of thepainandvulnerability,Iwasalsounintentionallydullingmyexperiencesofgoodfeelings,likejoy.Lookingback,Ican’timagineanyresearchfindingthathaschangedwhatmydailylifelookslikemorethanthis.NowIcanleanintojoy,evenwhenitmakesmefeeltenderandvulnerable.Infact,Iexpecttenderandvulnerable.Joy is as thornyand sharpasanyof thedarkemotions.To love someone fiercely, tobelieve in

somethingwithyourwholeheart,tocelebrateafleetingmomentintime,tofullyengageinalifethatdoesn’tcomewithguarantees—thesearerisksthatinvolvevulnerabilityandoftenpain.Whenweloseour tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy. In fact, addiction research shows us that an intenselypositiveexperienceisaslikelytocauserelapseasanintenselypainfulexperience.8

Wecan’tmakealistofallofthe“bad”emotionsandsay,“I’mgoingtonumbthese”andthenmakea list of thepositive emotions and say, “I’mgoing to fully engage in these!”Youcan imagine theviciouscyclethiscreates:Idon’texperiencemuchjoysoIhavenoreservoirtodrawfromwhenhardthingshappen.Theyfeelevenmorepainful,soInumb.InumbsoIdon’texperiencejoy.Andsoon.Moreonjoyiscominginthenextchapter.Fornow,asthesharpedgeshavestartedtocomeback

inmyownlife,I’mlearningthatrecognizingandleaningintothediscomfortofvulnerabilityteachesus how to live with joy, gratitude, and grace. I’m also learning that the uncomfortable and scaryleaningrequiresbothspiritandresilience.ThemostdifficultthingaboutwhatI’mproposinginthischapteriscapturedbyaquestionthatIget

a lot (especially frommycolleagues in theacademicworld): Is spiritualityanecessarycomponentforresilience?Theanswerisyes.Feelingsofhopelessness,fear,blame,pain,discomfort,vulnerability,anddisconnectionsabotage

resilience.Theonlyexperience that seemsbroadand fierceenough tocombata list like that is thebeliefthatwe’reallinthistogetherandthatsomethinggreaterthanushasthecapacitytobringloveandcompassionintoourlives.Again, I didn’t find that any one interpretation of spirituality has the corner on the resilience

market. It’s not about denominations or dogma. Practicing spirituality is what brings healing andcreatesresilience.Forme,spiritualityisaboutconnectingwithGod,andIdothatmostoftenthroughnature,community,andmusic.Weallhavetodefinespiritualityinawaythatinspiresus.Whetherwe’reovercomingadversity,survivingtrauma,ordealingwithstressandanxiety,having

a sense of purpose,meaning, and perspective in our lives allows us to develop understanding andmove forward. Without purpose, meaning, and perspective, it is easy to lose hope, numb ouremotions,orbecomeoverwhelmedbyourcircumstances.Wefeelreduced,lesscapable,andlostinthe face of struggle. The heart of spirituality is connection.When we believe in that inextricableconnection,wedon’tfeelalone.

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate: A good friend of mine heard this wonderful intention-setting reminder during aTwelveStepmeeting.Iloveit!It’scalledthevowelcheck:AEIOUY.

A=HaveIbeenAbstinenttoday?(Howeveryoudefinethat—Ifindi tal i ttlemorechal lengingwheni tcomestothingsl ikefood,work ,andthecomputer.)

E=HaveIExercisedtoday?

I=WhathaveIdoneformyselftoday?

O=WhathaveIdoneforOtherstoday?

U =AmIholdingontoUnexpressedemotionstoday?

Y=Yeah!Whatissomethinggoodthat’shappenedtoday?

GetInspired:I’minspiredbythisquotefromwriterandresearcherElisabethKübler-Ross:“Peoplearelikestained-glasswindows.Theysparkleandshinewhenthesunisout,butwhenthedarknesssetsin,theirbeautyisrevealedonlyifthereisalightfromwithin.”IreallydobelievethelightthatIsawwithintheresilientpeopleIinterviewedwastheirspirit.Ilovetheideaofbeing“litfromwithin.”

GetGoing:Ilovedailymeditationsandprayers.Sometimesthebestwayformetogetgoingisquietprayer.

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

EarlierImentionedhowsurprisedIwastoseecertainconceptsfrommyresearchemergeinpairsorgroups.These“collectionsofconcepts”havecreatedmajorparadigmshiftsformein termsof thewayIthinkaboutmylifeandthechoicesImakeeveryday.Agoodexampleof this is thewaythat loveandbelonginggotogether.NowIunderstandthat in

ordertofeelatruesenseofbelonging,IneedtobringtherealmetothetableandthatIcanonlydothat if I’mpracticingself-love.Foryears I thought itwas theotherwayaround: I’lldowhatever ittakestofitin,I’llfeelaccepted,andthatwillmakemelikemyselfbetter.JusttypingthosewordsandthinkingabouthowmanyyearsIspentlivingthatwaymakesmeweary.NowonderIwastiredforsolong!Inmanyways,thisresearchhasnotonlytaughtmenewwaystothinkabouthowIwanttoliveand

love, it’s taught me about the relationship between my experiences and choices. One of the mostprofoundchangesinmylifehappenedwhenIgotmyheadaroundtherelationshipbetweengratitudeandjoy.Ialwaysthoughtthatjoyfulpeopleweregratefulpeople.Imean,whywouldn’ttheybe?Theyhave all of that goodness to be grateful for. But after spending countless hours collecting storiesaboutjoyandgratitude,threepowerfulpatternsemerged:

Without exception, every person I interviewed who described living a joyful life or whodescribedthemselvesasjoyful,activelypracticedgratitudeandattributedtheirjoyfulnesstotheirgratitudepractice.Bothjoyandgratitudeweredescribedasspiritualpracticesthatwereboundtoabeliefinhumaninterconnectednessandapowergreaterthanus.People were quick to point out the differences between happiness and joy as the differencebetweenahumanemotionthat’sconnectedtocircumstancesandaspiritualwayofengagingwiththeworldthat’sconnectedtopracticinggratitude.

Gratitude

When it comes to gratitude, the word that jumped out at me throughout this research process ispractice.Idon’tnecessarilythinkanotherresearcherwouldhavebeensotakenaback,butassomeonewho thought thatknowledgewasmore important thanpractice, I found thesewords tobea call toaction.Infact,it’ssafetosaythatreluctantlyrecognizingtheimportanceofpracticesparkedmy2007BreakdownSpiritualAwakening.

Foryears,Isubscribedtothenotionofan“attitudeofgratitude.”I’vesincelearnedthatanattitudeis an orientation or a way of thinking and that “having an attitude” doesn’t always translate to abehavior.Forexample,itwouldbereasonabletosaythatIhaveayogaattitude.Theidealsandbeliefsthat

guidemylifeareveryinlinewiththeideasandbeliefsthatIassociatewithyoga.Ivaluemindfulness,breathing,andthebody-mind-spiritconnection.Ievenhaveyogaoutfits.But,letmeassureyou,myyogaattitudeandoutfitsdon’tmeanjackifyouputmeonayogamatandaskmetostandonmyheador strike a pose. As I’m sitting herewriting this, I’ve never practiced yoga. I plan to change thatbetween now and the time you’re holding this book in your hand, but to date, I’ve never put theattitudeintoaction.Sowhereitreallymatters—onthemat—myyogaattitudedoesn’tcountformuch.So,whatdoesagratitudepracticelooklike?ThefolksIinterviewedtalkedaboutkeepinggratitude

journals, doing daily gratitude meditations or prayers, creating gratitude art, and even stoppingduringtheirstressful,busydaystoactuallysaythesewordsoutloud:“Iamgratefulfor…”WhentheWholeheartedtalkaboutgratitude,thereareawholebunchofverbsinvolved.Itseemsthatgratitudewithoutpracticemaybealittlelikefaithwithoutworks—it’snotalive.

WhatIsJoy?Joyseemstomeastepbeyondhappiness.Happinessisasortofatmosphereyoucanliveinsometimeswhenyou’relucky.Joyisalightthatfillsyouwithhopeandfaithandlove.

—ADELAROGERSST.JOHNS

Theresearchhastaughtmethathappinessandjoyaredifferentexperiences.Intheinterviews,peoplewouldoften say something like, “Beinggrateful and joyfuldoesn’tmean that I’mhappyall of thetime.”OnmanyoccasionsIwoulddelvedeeperintothosetypesofstatementsbyasking,“Whatdoesitlooklikewhenyou’rejoyfulandgrateful,butnothappy?”Theanswerswereallsimilar:Happinessistiedtocircumstanceandjoyfulnessistiedtospiritandgratitude.Ialsolearnedthatneitherjoynorhappinessisconstant;noonefeelshappyallofthetimeorjoyful

allofthetime.Bothexperiencescomeandgo.Happinessisattachedtoexternalsituationsandeventsandseemstoebbandflowasthosecircumstancescomeandgo.Joyseemstobeconstantlytetheredtoourheartsbyspiritandgratitude.Butouractualexperiencesof joy—theseintensefeelingsofdeepspiritualconnectionandpleasure—seizeusinaveryvulnerableway.Afterthesedifferencesemergedfrommydata,Ilookedaroundtofindwhatotherresearchershad

written about joy and happiness. Interestingly, the explanation that seemed to best describe myfindingswasfromatheologian.Anne Robertson, a Methodist pastor, writer, and executive director of the Massachusetts Bible

Society,explainshowtheGreekoriginsofthewordshappinessandjoyholdimportantmeaningforustoday.SheexplainsthattheGreekwordforhappinessisMakarios,whichwasusedtodescribethefreedomoftherichfromnormalcaresandworries,ortodescribeapersonwhoreceivedsomeformofgoodfortune,suchasmoneyorhealth.RobertsoncomparesthistotheGreekwordforjoywhichischairo.Chairowasdescribedby theancientGreeksas the“culminationofbeing”and the“goodmoodofthesoul.”Robertsonwrites,“Chairoissomething,theancientGreekstellus,thatisfoundonly in God and comes with virtue and wisdom. It isn’t a beginner ’s virtue; it comes as theculmination.Theysayitsoppositeisnotsadness,butfear.”1

Weneedbothhappinessandjoy.Ithinkit’simportanttocreateandrecognizetheexperiencesthatmakeushappy.Infact,I’mabigfanofGretchenRubin’sbookTheHappinessProjectandTalBen-Shahar ’sresearchandbookHappier.Butinadditiontocreatinghappinessinourlives,I’velearned

thatweneedtocultivatethespiritualpracticesthatleadtojoyfulness,especiallygratitude.Inmyownlife,I’dliketoexperiencemorehappiness,butIwanttolivefromaplaceofgratitudeandjoy.Todothis,Ithinkwehavetotakeahardlookatthethingsthatgetinthewayofgratitudeandjoy,andtosomedegree,evenhappiness.

ScarcityandFearoftheDark

TheveryfirsttimeItriedtowriteaboutwhatgetsinthewayofgratitudeandjoy,Iwasinsittingonthecouchinmylivingroomwithmylaptopnexttomeandmyresearchmemojournalinmyhands.Iwas tired and rather than writing, I spent an hour staring at the twinkle lights hanging over theentrywayintomydiningroom.I’mahugefanofthoselittleclear,sparklylights.Ithinktheymaketheworldlookprettier,soIkeeptheminmyhouseyear-round.As I sat there flipping through the stories and gazing at the twinkle lights, I took out a pen and

wrotethisdown:Twinklelightsaretheperfectmetaphorforjoy.Joyisnotaconstant.Itcomestousinmoments—oftenordinarymoments.Sometimeswemissoutontheburstsofjoybecausewe’retoobusychasingdownextraordinarymoments.Othertimeswe’resoafraidofthedarkthatwedon’tdareletourselvesenjoythelight.

Ajoyfullifeisnotafloodlightofjoy.Thatwouldeventuallybecomeunbearable.

Ibelieveajoyfullifeismadeupofjoyfulmomentsgracefullystrungtogetherbytrust,gratitude,inspiration,andfaith.

Forthoseofyouwhofollowmyblog,you’llrecognizethisasthemantraformygratitudepostsonFridaysthatIcallTGIF.Iturnedthisquoteintoasmallbadge,andpartofmygratitudepracticeisa weekly post about what I’m Trusting, what I’m Grateful for, what Inspires me, and how I’mpracticingmyFaith.It’sincrediblypowerfultoreadeveryone’scomments.Joyandgratitudecanbeveryvulnerableand intenseexperiences.Weareananxiouspeopleand

manyofushaveverylittletoleranceforvulnerability.Ouranxietyandfearcanmanifestasscarcity.Wethinktoourselves:

I’mnotgoingtoallowmyselftofeelthisjoybecauseIknowitwon’tlast.AcknowledginghowgratefulIamisaninvitationfordisaster.I’drathernotbejoyfulthanhavetowaitfortheothershoetodrop.

FearoftheDarkI’vealwaysbeenpronetoworryandanxiety,butafterIbecameamother,negotiatingjoy,gratitude,and scarcity felt like a full-time job. For years, my fear of something terrible happening to mychildrenactuallypreventedmefromfullyembracingjoyandgratitude.EverytimeIcametooclosetosofteningintosheerjoyfulnessaboutmychildrenandhowmuchIlovethem,I’dpicturesomethingterriblehappening;I’dpicturelosingeverythinginaflash.AtfirstIthoughtIwascrazy.WasItheonlypersonintheworldwhodidthis?AsmytherapistandI

startedworkingonit,Irealizedthat“mytoogoodtobetrue”wastotallyrelatedtofear,scarcity,andvulnerability. Knowing that those are pretty universal emotions, I gathered up the courage to talkaboutmyexperienceswithagroupof fivehundredparentswhohadcome tooneofmyparentinglectures.Igaveanexampleofstandingovermydaughterwatchinghersleep,feelingtotallyengulfedingratitude,thenbeingrippedoutofthatjoyandgratitudebyimagesofsomethingbadhappeningtoher.Youcouldhaveheardapindrop. I thought,Oh,God. I’mcrazyandnow they’reall sitting there

like,“She’sanut.Howdowegetoutofhere?”ThenallofthesuddenIheardthesoundofawomantoward theback starting to cry.Not sniffle cry, but sob cry.That soundwas followedby someonefromthefrontshoutingout,“OhmyGod!Whydowedothat?Whatdoesitmean?”Theauditoriumeruptedinsomekindofcrazyparentrevival.AsIhadsuspected,Iwasnotalone.Mostofushaveexperiencedbeingon theedgeof joyonly tobeovercomebyvulnerabilityand

thrownintofear.Untilwecantoleratevulnerabilityandtransformitintogratitude,intensefeelingsoflovewilloftenbringupthefearofloss.IfIhadtosumupwhatI’velearnedaboutfearandjoy,thisiswhatIwouldsay:

Thedarkdoesnotdestroythelight;itdefinesit.It’sourfearofthedark thatcastsourjoyintotheshadows.

ScarcityTheseareanxiousandfearfultimes,bothofwhichbreedscarcity.We’reafraidtolosewhatwelovethemost,andwehatethattherearenoguarantees.Wethinknotbeinggratefulandnotfeelingjoywillmakeithurtless.Wethinkifwecanbeatvulnerabilitytothepunchbyimagingloss,we’llsufferless.We’rewrong. There is one guarantee: Ifwe’re not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves toknowjoy,wearemissingoutonthetwothingsthatwillactuallysustainusduringtheinevitablehardtimes.What I’m describing above is scarcity of safety and uncertainty. But there are other kinds of

scarcity.MyfriendLynneTwisthaswrittenanincrediblebookcalledTheSoulofMoney.Inthisbook,Lynneaddressesthemythofscarcity.Shewrites,

Forme,andformanyofus,ourfi rstwak ingthoughtofthedayis“Ididn’tgetenoughsleep.”Thenextoneis“Idon’thaveenoughtime.”Whethertrueornot,thatthoughtofnotenoughoccurstousautomatical lybeforeweeventhink toquestionorexaminei t.Wespendmostofthehoursandthedaysofourl iveshearing,explaining,complaining,orworryingaboutwhatwedon’thaveenoughof…Wedon’thaveenoughexercise.Wedon’thaveenoughwork .Wedon’thaveenoughprofi ts.Wedon’thaveenoughpower.Wedon’thaveenoughwilderness.Wedon’thaveenoughweekends.Ofcourse,wedon’thaveenoughmoney—ever.

We’renotthinenough,we’renotsmartenough,we’renotprettyenoughorfi tenoughoreducatedorsuccessful enough,orrichenough—ever.Beforeweevensi tupinbed,beforeourfeettouchthefloor,we’realreadyinadequate,alreadybehind,alreadylosing,alreadylack ingsomething.Andbythetimewegotobedatnight,ourmindsracewithal i tanyofwhatwedidn’tget,ordidn’tgetdone,thatday.Wegotosleepburdenedbythosethoughtsandwakeuptothereverieoflack …Whatbeginsasasimple

expressionofthehurriedl i fe,oreventhechal lengedl i fe,growsintothegreatjusti ficationforanunfulfi l ledl i fe.2

AsIreadthispassage,itmakestotalsensetomewhywe’reanationhungryformorejoy:Becausewe’restarvingfromalackofgratitude.Lynnesaysthataddressingscarcitydoesn’tmeansearchingforabundancebutratherchoosingamind-setofsufficiency:

Weeachhavethechoiceinanysettingtostepback andletgoofthemindsetofscarci ty.Onceweletgoofscarci ty,wediscoverthesurprisingtruthofsufficiency.Bysufficiency,Idon’tmeanaquanti tyofanything.Sufficiencyisn’ttwostepsupfrompovertyoronestepshortofabundance.Itisn’tameasureofbarelyenoughormorethanenough.Sufficiencyisn’tanamountatal l .Itisanexperience,acontextwegenerate,adeclaration,aknowingthatthereisenough,andthatweareenough.

Sufficiencyresidesinsideofeachofus,andwecancal l i tforward.Itisaconsciousness,anattention,anintentional choosingofthewaywethink aboutourcircumstances.3

Scarcityisalsogreatfuelforthegremlins.Inmyearliershameresearchandinthismorerecentresearch,Irealizedhowmanyofushaveboughtintotheideathatsomethinghastobeextraordinaryifit’sgoingtobringusjoy.InIThoughtItWasJustMe,Iwrite,“Weseemtomeasurethevalueofpeople’scontributions(andsometimestheirentirelives)bytheirlevelofpublicrecognition.Inotherwords, worth is measured by fame and fortune. Our culture is quick to dismiss quiet, ordinary,hardworking men and women. In many instances, we equate ordinary with boring or, even moredangerous,ordinaryhasbecomesynonymouswithmeaningless.”4

IthinkIlearnedthemostaboutthevalueofordinaryfrominterviewingmenandwomenwhohaveexperienced tremendous loss such as the loss of a child, violence, genocide, and trauma. Thememories that they heldmost sacredwere the ordinary, everydaymoments. Itwas clear that theirmost preciousmemorieswere forged from a collection of ordinarymoments, and their hope forothersisthattheywouldstoplongenoughtobegratefulforthosemomentsandthejoytheybring.Author and spiritual leaderMarianneWilliamson says, “Joy iswhat happens to uswhenwe allowourselvestorecognizehowgoodthingsreallyare.”

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate:WhenI’mfloodedwithfearandscarcity,Itrytocallforwardjoyandsufficiencybyacknowledging the fear, then transforming it into gratitude. I say this out loud: “I’m feelingvulnerable.That’sokay.I’msogratefulfor____________.”Doingthishasabsolutelyincreasedmycapacityforjoy.

GetInspired:I’msoinspiredbythedailydosesofjoythathappeninthoseordinarymoments,likewalking my kids home from school, jumping on the trampoline, and sharing family meals.Acknowledging that thesemomentsare reallywhat life isabouthaschangedmyoutlookonwork,family,andsuccess.

GetGoing:Fromtakingturnsbeingthankfulduringgracetomorecreativeprojectslikecreatingajartokeepgratitudenotesin,we’remakingWholeheartednessafamilyaffair.

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Everything about this research process has pushed me in ways that I never imagined. This isespeciallytruewhenitcomestotopicslikefaith,intuition,andspirituality.Whentheimportanceofintuition and faith first emerged as key patterns inWholehearted living, Iwinced a little bit.Onceagain, I felt likemygoodfriends—logicandreason—wereunderattack. I remember tellingSteve,“Nowit’sintuitionandfaith!Canyoubelieveit?”He replied, “I’m surprised that you’re surprised.Youwork off of faith and your gut all of the

time.”Hetookmeoffguardwithhiscomment.Isatdownnexttohimandsaid,“Yeah,IknowI’magutandfaithkindagirl,butIguessI’mnot

veryintuitive.Readthisdefinitionfromthedictionary:‘Intuitionisdirectperceptionoftruthorfact,independentofanyreasoningprocess.’”1

Stevechuckled,“So,maybethedefinitiondoesn’tmatchwhatyou’relearningfromthedata.You’llwriteanewone.Itwon’tbethefirsttime.”Ispentayearfocusingonintuitionandfaith.IinterviewedandcollectedstoriessothatIcouldget

myheadandheartaroundwhatitmeanstocultivateintuitionandtrustfaith.IwassurprisedbywhatIlearned.

Intuition

Intuitionisnotindependentofanyreasoningprocess.Infact,psychologistsbelievethatintuitionisarapid-fire,unconsciousassociatingprocess—likeamentalpuzzle.2Thebrainmakesanobservation,scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences.Onceitputstogetheraseriesofmatches,wegeta“gut”onwhatwe’veobserved.Sometimesourintuitionorourguttellsuswhatweneedtoknow;othertimesitactuallysteersus

toward fact-finding and reasoning.As it turns out, intuitionmaybe thequiet voicewithin, but thatvoiceisnotlimitedtoonemessage.Sometimesourintuitionwhispers,“Followyourinstincts.”Othertimesitshouts,“Youneedtocheckthisout;wedon’thaveenoughinformation!”Inmyresearch,Ifoundthatwhatsilencesourintuitivevoiceisourneedforcertainty.Mostofus

are not very good at not knowing.We like sure things and guarantees somuch thatwe don’t payattentiontotheoutcomesofourbrain’smatchingprocess.For example, rather than respecting a strong internal instinct, we become fearful and look for

assurancesfromothers.

“Whatdoyouthink?”“ShouldIdoit?“Doyouthinkit’sagoodidea,ordoyouthinkI’llregretit?”“Whatwouldyoudo?”

Atypicalresponsetothesesurveyquestionsis,“I’mnotsurewhatyoushoulddo.Whatdoesyourgutsay?”Andthereitis.Whatdoesyourgutsay?Weshakeourheadandsay,“I’mnotsure”whentherealansweris,“Ihavenoideawhatmygut

says;wehaven’tspokeninyears.”Whenwestartpollingpeople,it’softenbecausewedon’ttrustourownknowing.Itfeelstooshaky

andtoouncertain.Wewantassurancesandfolkswithwhomwecansharetheblameif thingsdon’tpanout.Iknowallaboutthis.I’maprofessionalpollster—it’shardformetogoitalonesometimes.WhenI’mmakingadifficultdecisionandfeeldisconnectedfrommyintuition,Ihaveatendencytosurveyeveryonearoundme.Ironically,sincedoing this research,surveyinghasbecomearedflagforme—ittellsmethatI’mfeelingvulnerableaboutmakingadecision.As Imentionedearlier, ifwe learn to trustour intuition, it caneven tell us thatwedon’thavea

good instinct on something and that we need more data. Another example of how our need forcertainty sabotages our intuition iswhenwe ignore our gut’swarning to slowdown, gathermoreinformation,orreality-checkourexpectations:

“I’mjustgoingtodoit.Idon’tcareanymore.”“I’mtiredofthinkingaboutit.It’stoostressful.”“I’dratherjustdoitthanwaitanothersecond.”“Ican’tstandnotknowing.”

Whenwechargeheadlongintobigdecisions,itmaybebecausewedon’twanttoknowtheanswersthatwillemergefromdoingduediligence.Weknowthatfact-findingmightleadusawayfromwhatwethinkwewant.I always tellmyself, “If I’mafraid to run thenumbersorputpencil topaper, I shouldn’tdo it.”

Whenwejustwanttogetthedecision-makingoverwith,it’sagoodideatoaskourselveswhetherwesimplycan’tstandthevulnerabilityofbeingstilllongenoughtothinkitthroughandmakeamindfuldecision.So,asyoucansee,intuitionisn’talwaysaboutaccessingtheanswersfromwithin.Sometimeswhen

we’vetappedintoourinnerwisdom,ittellsusthatwedon’tknowenoughtomakeadecisionwithoutmoreinvestigation.Here’sthedefinitionIcraftedfromtheresearch:

Intuitionisnotasinglewayofknowing—it’sourabilitytoholdspaceforuncertaintyandourwillingnesstotrustthemanywayswe’vedevelopedknowledgeandinsight,includinginstinct,experience,faith,andreason.

Faith

I’vecometorealizethatfaithandreasonarenotnaturalenemies.It’sourhumanneedforcertaintyandourneedto“beright”thathavepittedfaithandreasonagainsteachotherinanalmostrecklessway.Weforceourselvestochooseanddefendonewayofknowingtheworldat theexpenseoftheother.

Iunderstandthatfaithandreasoncanclashandcreateuncomfortabletensions—thosetensionsplayoutinmylife,andIcanfeeltheminmybones.Butthisworkhasforcedmetoseethatit’sourfearoftheunknownandourfearofbeingwrongthatcreatemostofourconflictandanxiety.Weneedbothfaithandreasontomakemeaninginanuncertainworld.Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesI’veheardthetermshavingfaithandmyfaithinmyinterviewswith

menandwomenwhoarelivingtheWholeheartedjourney.AtfirstIthoughtthatfaithmeant“there’sareasonforeverything.”IpersonallystruggledwiththatbecauseI’mnotcomfortablewithusingGodor faith or spirituality to explain tragedy. It actually feels like substituting certainty for faithwhenpeoplesay,“There’sareasonforeverything.”But Iquickly learnedfromthe interviews that faithmeantsomethingelse to thesepeople.Here’s

howIdefinefaithbasedontheresearchinterviews:Faithisaplaceofmystery,wherewefindthecouragetobelieveinwhatwecannotseeandthestrengthtoletgoofourfearofuncertainty.

Ialsolearnedthatit’snotalwaysthescientistswhostrugglewithfaithandthereligiouswhofullyembrace uncertainty.Many forms of fundamentalism and extremism are about choosing certaintyoverfaith.I love this from theologian Richard Rohr: “My scientist friends have come up with things like

‘principles of uncertainty’ and dark holes. They’rewilling to live inside imagined hypotheses andtheories.Butmanyreligiousfolksinsistonanswersthatarealwaystrue.Weloveclosure,resolutionandclarity,while thinking thatwearepeopleof ‘faith’!Howstrange that theveryword‘faith’hascometomeanitsexactopposite.”3

Faithisessentialwhenwedecidetoliveandlovewithourwholeheartsinaworldwheremostofuswantassurancesbeforeweriskbeingvulnerableandgettinghurt.Tosay,“I’mgoing toengageWholeheartedlyinmylife”requiresbelievingwithoutseeing.

DIGDEEP

GetDeliberate: Letting go of certainty is one of my greatest challenges. I even have a physicalresponseto“notknowing”—it’sanxietyandfearandvulnerabilitycombined.That’swhenIhavetogetveryquietandstill.Withmykidsandmybusylife,thatcanmeanhidinginthegarageordrivingaroundtheblock.Whateverittakes,IhavetofindawaytobestillsoIcanhearwhatI’msaying.

GetInspired:Theprocessofreclaimingmyspiritualandfaithlifewasnotaneasyone(hencethe2007BreakdownSpiritualAwakening).There’saquotethatliterallycrackedopenmyheart.It’sfromabookbyAnneLamott:“Theoppositeoffaithisnotdoubt,butcertainty.”4Herbooksaboutfaithandgrace inspireme.5 I’minspiredbyand thankful forWhen theHeartWaitsbySueMonkKidd6 andPemaChödrön’sComfortablewithUncertainty7;theysavedme.Andlast,IabsolutelylovethisquotefromPauloCoelho’sTheAlchemist:“…intuition is reallyasuddenimmersionof thesoul into theuniversal currentof life,where thehistoriesof all people are connected, andweare able toknoweverything,becauseit’sallwrittenthere.”8

GetGoing:WhenI’mreallyscaredorunsure,Ineedsomethingrightawaytocalmmycravingsforcertainty.Forme,theSerenityPrayerdoesthetrick.God,grantmetheserenitytoacceptthethingsIcannotchange,thecouragetochangethethingsIcan,andthewisdomtoknowthedifference.Amen!

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Someofmybestchildhoodmemoriesinvolvecreativity,andalmostallofthemarefromtheyearsthat we lived in New Orleans, in a funky, pink stucco duplex a couple of blocks from TulaneUniversity. I remembermymom andme spending hours paintingwooden key chains shaped liketurtlesandsnails,andmakingcraftsoutofsequinsandfeltwithmyfriends.Icanvividlyseemymomandherfriendsintheirbell-bottomscominghomefromthemarketin

theFrenchQuarterandmakingstuffedmirlitonsandotherdeliciousdishes.IwassofascinatedwithhelpingherinthekitchenthatoneSundayafternoonsheandmydadletmecookalone.TheysaidIcouldmakeanythingIwantedwithanyingredientthatIwanted.Imadeoatmeal-raisincookies.Withcrawfishboilspicesinsteadofcinnamon.Theentirehousestankfordays.Mymomalsolovedtosew.ShemadematchingshiftdressesthatsheandIwore(alongwithmy

doll,whoalsohadherowntinymatchingdress).It’ssostrangetomethatallofthesememoriesthatinvolvecreatingareso realand textured tome—Icanalmost feel themandsmell them.Theyalsoholdsomuchtendermeaning.Sadly, my memories of creating end around age eight or nine. In fact, I don’t have a single

creativitymemoryafteraboutfifthgrade.ThatwasthesametimethatwemovedfromourtinyhouseintheGardenDistricttoabighouseinasprawlingHoustonsuburb.Everythingseemedtochange.InNewOrleans,everywallinourhousewascoveredwithartdonebymymomorarelativeoruskids,and homemade curtains hung over every window. The art and curtains may have been out ofnecessity,butIrememberitbeingbeautiful.InHouston, I rememberwalking intosomeofmynewneighbors’housesand thinking that their

livingroomslookedlikethelobbyofafancyhotel—Ivividlyrememberthinkingatthetime,likeaHowardJohnsonoraHolidayInn.Therewerelongheavydrapes,bigsofaswithmatchingchairs,andshiny glass tables. There were plastic plants with hanging vines strategically sitting on top ofarmoires, and dried flowers in baskets decorating the tops of tables. Strangely, everyone’s lobbykindalookedthesame.Whilethehouseswereallthesameandfancy,theschoolwasadifferentstory.InNewOrleans,I

went to aCatholic school and everyone looked the same, prayed the same, and, for themost part,actedthesame.InHoustonIstartedpublicschool,whichmeantnomoreuniforms.Inthisnewschool,cuteclothescounted.Andnothomemadecuteclothes,butclothesfrom“themall.”InNewOrleans,mydadworkedduringthedayandwasalawstudentatLoyolaatnight.Therewas

always an informal and fun feel to our lives there.Oncewe got toHouston, he dressed up everymorning and commuted to an oil and gas corporation along with every other father in our

neighborhood. Things changed, and inmanyways thatmove felt like a fundamental shift for ourfamily.Myparentswerelaunchedontheaccomplishments-and-acquisitionstrack,andcreativitygavewaytothatstiflingcombinationoffittinginandbeingbetterthan,alsoknownascomparison.Comparison is all about conformity and competition. At first it seems like conforming and

competingaremutuallyexclusive,butthey’renot.Whenwecompare,wewanttoseewhoorwhatisbestoutofaspecificcollectionof“alike things.”Wemaycompare things likehowweparentwithparentswhohavetotallydifferentvaluesortraditionsthanus,butthecomparisonsthatgetusreallyrileduparetheoneswemakewiththefolkslivingnextdoor,oronourchild’ssoccerteam,oratourschool.Wedon’tcompareourhousestothemansionsacrosstown;wecompareouryardtotheyardsonourblock.Whenwecompare,wewanttobethebestorhavethebestofourgroup.Thecomparisonmandatebecomesthiscrushingparadoxof“fitinandstandout!”It’snotcultivate

self-acceptance,belonging,andauthenticity;it’sbejustlikeeveryoneelse,butbetter.It’seasytoseehowdifficultitistomaketimefortheimportantthingssuchascreativity,gratitude,

joy,andauthenticitywhenwe’respendingenormousamountsofenergyconformingandcompeting.Now I understand why my dear friend Laura Williams always says, “Comparison is the thief ofhappiness.” Ican’t tellyouhowmany times I’mfeelingsogoodaboutmyselfandmy lifeandmyfamily,andtheninasplitsecondit’sgonebecauseIconsciouslyorunconsciouslystartcomparingmyselftootherpeople.Asfarasmyownstory,theolderIgot,thelessvalueIputoncreativityandthelesstimeIspent

creating.Whenpeopleaskedmeaboutcraftingorartorcreating,Ireliedonthestandard,“I’mnotthecreative type.”On the insideIwasreally thinking,Whohas time forpaintingandscrapbookingandphotographywhentherealworkofachievingandaccomplishingneedstobedone?BythetimeIwasfortyandworkingonthisresearch,mylackofinterestincreativityhadturned

intodisdain.I’mnotsureifIwouldcategorizemyfeelingsaboutcreativityasnegativestereotypes,shametriggers,orsomecombinationofthetwo,butitcametothepointwhereIthoughtofcreatingforthesakeofcreatingasself-indulgentatbestandflakyatworst.OfcourseIknow,professionally,thatthemoreentrenchedandreactiveweareaboutanissue,the

moreweneed to investigateourresponses.AsI lookbackwithneweyes, I think tapping intohowmuchImissedthatpartofmylifewouldhavebeentooconfusingorpainful.IneverthoughtI’dcomeacrosssomethingfierceenoughtoshakemeloosefrommyentrenched

beliefsaboutcreativity.Thenthisresearchcamealong…Let me sum up what I’ve learned about creativity from the world of Wholehearted living and

loving:

1. “I’mnotverycreative”doesn’twork.There’snosuchthingascreativepeopleandnon-creativepeople.Thereareonlypeoplewhousetheircreativityandpeoplewhodon’t.Unusedcreativitydoesn’tjustdisappear.Itliveswithinusuntilit’sexpressed,neglectedtodeath,orsuffocatedbyresentmentandfear.

2. Theonlyuniquecontributionthatwewillevermakeinthisworldwillbebornofourcreativity.3. Ifwewanttomakemeaning,weneedtomakeart.Cook,write,draw,doodle,paint,scrapbook,

take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild an engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act, sing—it doesn’tmatter.Aslongaswe’recreating,we’recultivatingmeaning.

LiterallyonemonthafterIworkedthroughthedataoncreativity,Isignedupforagourd-paintingclass.I’mnotevenkidding.IwentwithmymomandEllen,anditwasoneofthebestdaysofmylife.Forthefirsttimeindecades,Istartedcreating.AndIhaven’tstopped.Ieventookupphotography.

Itmight sound cliché, but theworld doesn’t even look the same tome anymore. I see beauty andpotentialeverywhere—inmyfrontyard,atajunkstore,inanoldmagazine—everywhere.It’sbeenaveryemotionaltransitionformeandformyfamily.Bothofmykidsloveart,andwedo

family projects together all the time. Steve and I are Mac addicts, and we love to make moviestogether.Lastmonth,Ellentoldusthatsheeitherwantstobeachefora“lifeartist”likemyfriendAliEdwards,whoinspiresbothofus.Atthispoint,Charlielovestopaintandwouldliketoownaboogerstore(whichisbothcreativeandentrepreneurial).I also realized that much of what I do in my work is creative work. Writer William Plomer

described creativity as “the power to connect the seemingly unconnected.” My work is all aboutmakingconnections,sopartofmytransformationwasowningandcelebratingmyexistingcreativity.Letting go of comparison is not a to-do list item. For most of us, it’s something that requires

constantawareness.It’ssoeasytotakeoureyesoffourpathtocheckoutwhatothersaredoingandifthey’re ahead or behind us. Creativity, which is the expression of our originality, helps us staymindfulthatwhatwebringtotheworldiscompletelyoriginalandcannotbecompared.And,withoutcomparison,conceptslikeaheadorbehindorbestorworstlosetheirmeaning.

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate:Ifcreativityisseenasaluxuryorsomethingwedowhenwehavesparetime,itwillneverbecultivated.Icarveouttimeeveryweektotakeandprocessphotographs,makemovies,anddoartprojectswiththekids.WhenImakecreatingapriority,everythinginmylifeworksbetter.

Get Inspired: Nothing inspires me more than my friendship with the Lovebombers, a group ofartists,writers,andphotographerswhomImetonlineandspenda longweekendwitheveryyear. Ithinkit’ssoimportant tofindandbeapartofacommunityoflike-spiritedpeoplewhoshareyourbeliefsaboutcreativity.

GetGoing:Takeaclass.Riskfeelingvulnerableandnewandimperfectandtakeaclass.Therearewonderfulonlineclasses ifyouneedmore flexibility.Trysomething that scaresyouor somethingyou’vedreamtabouttrying.Youneverknowwhereyou’llfindyourcreativeinspiration.

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Attimes,whenIwasinterviewingpeopleformyresearch,Ifeltlikeanalien—likeavisitortryingtofigureout thecustomsandhabitsofpeoplelivinglivesthat lookedincrediblydifferentfrommine.Thereweremany awkwardmomentswhen I struggled to understandwhat they, theWholehearted,weredoingandwhy.SometimestheconceptsweresoforeigntomethatIdidn’thavethelanguagetonamethem.Thiswasoneofthosetimes.I remember telling one ofmy colleagues, “TheseWholehearted people fool around a lot.” She

laughedandasked,“Foolaround?How?”Ishrugged,“Idon’tknow.Theyhavefunand…Idon’tknowwhatyoucallit.Theyhangoutand

dofunthings.”Shelookedconfused.“Likewhatkindoffunthings?Hobbies?Crafts?Sports?”“Yes,” I replied. “Kinda like that but not so organized. I’m going to have to dig around some

more.”NowIlookbackonthatconversationandthink,HowdidInotknowwhatIwasseeing?WasIso

personallyremovedfromthisconceptthatIcouldn’trecognizeit?It’splay!AcriticallyimportantcomponentofWholeheartedlivingisplay!Icametothisrealizationbywatchingmychildrenandrecognizingthesameplayfulbehaviorsin

themthatweredescribedbythemenandwomenIinterviewed.Thesefolksplay.Researchingtheconceptofplaygotofftoarockystart.Ilearnedthisveryquickly:DonotGoogle

“Adultplay.”Iwasclosingpornographypop-upssofastitwaslikeplayingWhac-A-Mole.Once I recovered from that search disaster, I was lucky enough to find the work of Dr. Stuart

Brown.Dr.Brownisapsychiatrist,clinicalresearcher,andfounderoftheNationalInstituteforPlay.He is also the author of a wonderful book titled, Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens theImagination,andInvigoratestheSoul.1

Drawingonhisownresearch,aswellasthelatestadvancesinbiology,psychology,andneurology,Brownexplainsthatplayshapesourbrain,helpsusfosterempathy,helpsusnavigatecomplexsocialgroups,andisatthecoreofcreativityandinnovation.If you’re wondering why play and rest are paired together in this guidepost, it’s because after

readingtheresearchonplay,Inowunderstandthatplayisasessentialtoourhealthandfunctioningasrest.So,ifyou’relikeme,youwanttoknow,“Whatexactlyisplay?”Brownproposessevenproperties

ofplay,thefirstofwhichisthatplayisapparentlypurposeless.Basicallythismeansthatweplayforthesakeofplay.Wedoitbecauseit’sfunandwewantto.Well,thisiswheremyworkasashameresearchercomesin.Intoday’sculture—whereourself-

worth is tied toournetworth,andwebaseourworthinessonour levelofproductivity—spendingtime doing purposeless activities is rare. In fact, for many of us it sounds like an anxiety attackwaitingtohappen.We’vegotsomuchtodoandsolittletimethattheideaofspendingtimedoinganythingunrelated

totheto-dolistactuallycreatesstress.Weconvinceourselvesthatplayingisawasteofprecioustime.Weevenconvinceourselvesthatsleepisaterribleuseofourtime.We’vegottoget’erdone!Itdoesn’tmatterifourjobisrunningamultimillion-dollarcompany,

raisingafamily,creatingart,orfinishingschool,we’vegottokeepournosestothegrindstoneandwork!There’snotimetoplayaround!ButBrownarguesthatplayisnotanoption.Infacthewrites,“Theoppositeofplayisnotwork—

theoppositeofplayisdepression.”Heexplains,“Respectingourbiologicallyprogrammedneedforplaycantransformwork.Itcanbringbackexcitementandnewnesstoourjob.Playhelpsusdealwithdifficulties,providesasenseofexpansiveness,promotesmasteryofourcraft,andisanessentialpartofthecreativeprocess.Mostimportant,trueplaythatcomesfromourowninnerneedsanddesiresistheonlypathtofindinglastingjoyandsatisfactioninourwork.Inthelongrun,workdoesnotworkwithoutplay.”2

What’sshockingisthesimilaritybetweenthebiologicalneedforplayandourbody’sneedforrest,a topic thatalsoemergedasamajor theme inWholehearted living. It seems that livingand lovingwithourwholeheartsrequiresustorespectourbodies’needforrenewal.WhenIfirstresearchedtheideasofrest,sleep,andsleepdebt—thetermfornotgettingenough—Icouldn’tbelievesomeoftheconsequencesofnotgettingproperrest.According to theCenters forDiseaseControl, insufficient sleep is associatedwith a number of

chronicdiseasesandconditions,suchasdiabetes,heartdisease,obesity,anddepression.3We’realsolearningthatdrowsydrivingcanbeasdangerous—andaspreventable—asdrivingwhileintoxicated.Yet,somehowmanyofusstillbelievethatexhaustionisastatussymbolofhardworkandthatsleepisaluxury.Theresultisthatwearesoverytired.Dangerouslytired.Thesamegremlinsthattelluswe’retoobusytoplayandwastetimefoolingaroundaretheones

thatwhisper:

“Onemorehourofwork!Youcancatchuponyoursleepthisweekend.”“Nappingisforslackers.”“Pushthrough.Youcanhandleit.”

But the truth is,we can’t handle it.Weare a nationof exhausted andoverstressed adults raisingoverscheduledchildren.Weuseoursparetimetodesperatelysearchforjoyandmeaninginourlives.Wethinkaccomplishmentsandacquisitionswillbringjoyandmeaning,butthatpursuitcouldbetheverythingthat’skeepingussotiredandafraidtoslowdown.IfwewanttoliveaWholeheartedlife,wehavetobecomeintentionalaboutcultivatingsleepand

play,andaboutlettinggoofexhaustionasastatussymbolandproductivityasself-worth.Makingthechoicetorestandplayis,atbest,counterculture.Thedecisiontoletgoofexhaustion

andproductivityasbadgesofhonormadetotalsensetoSteveandme,butputtingWholeheartednessintopracticehasbeenastruggleforourentirefamily.

SteveandIsatdownin2008andmadeapracticallistofthethingsthatmakeourfamilywork.Webasicallyansweredthequestion,“Whenthingsaregoingreallywellinourfamily,whatdoesitlooklike?” The answers included sleep,working out, healthy food, cooking, time off, weekends away,going tochurch,beingpresentwith thekids,asenseofcontroloverourmoney,meaningfulworkthatdoesn’tconsumeus,timetopiddle,timewithfamilyandclosefriends,andtimetojusthangout.Thesewere(andare)our“ingredientsforjoyandmeaning.”Thenwelookedatthedreamlistthatwestartedmakingacoupleofyearsago(andkeepaddingto).

Everythingonthislistwasanaccomplishmentoranacquisition—ahousewithmorebedrooms,atriphere,personalsalarygoals,professionalendeavors,andsoforth.Everythingrequiredthatwemakemoremoneyandspendmoremoney.Whenwecomparedourdreamlisttoour“joyandmeaning”list,werealizedthatbymerelyletting

goofthelistofthingswewanttoaccomplishandacquire,wewouldbeactuallylivingourdream—not striving tomake it happen in the future, but living it right now. The thingswewereworkingtowarddidnothingintermsofmakingourlifefuller.Embracingour “joy andmeaning” list has not been easy.There are dayswhen itmakes perfect

sense,andthentherearedayswhenIgetsuckedintobelievinghowmuchbettereverythingwouldfeelifwejusthadareallygreatguestroomorabetterkitchen,orifIgottospeakhereorwriteanarticleforthatpopularmagazine.EvenEllenhashadtomakesomechanges.Lastyear,wetoldherthatweweregoingtolimither

extracurricularactivitiesandthatshewouldhavetomakechoicesbetweenmultiplesportsandGirlScouts and after-school activities. At first there was some resistance. She pointed out that she didfewerthingsthanmostofherfriends.Thiswastrue.Shehasmanyfriendswhoareintwoorthreesportseverysemesterandtakemusiclessonsandlanguagelessonsandartclasses.Thesekidswakeupat6a.m.andgotobedat10p.m.Weexplainedthatthe“cuttingdown”waspartofalargerfamilyplan.Ihaddecidedtogopart-time

at the university, and her dadwas going to a four-dayworkweek. She looked at us as if shewerebracingforbadnews.Sheasked,“Isanythingwrong?”We explained thatwewantedmore downtime.More time to hang out and take it easy.Afterwe

sworethatweweren’tsick,shegotexcitedandasked,“ArewemakingtimeformoreTV?”I explained, “No. Justmore family play time.Your dad and I love ourwork, but it can be very

demanding. I travel andhavewritingdeadlines;yourdadhas tobeoncall.Youalsoworkhardatyourschoolwork.Wewanttomakesurethatwescheduleindowntimeforallofus.”Whilethisexperiencemaysoundgreat, itwasterrifyingformeasaparent.WhatifI’mwrong?

Whatifbusyandexhaustediswhatittakes?Whatifshedoesn’tgettogotothecollegeofherchoicebecauseshedoesn’tplaytheviolinandspeakMandarinandFrenchandshedoesn’tplaysixsports?Whatifwe’renormalandquietandhappy?Doesthatcount?Iguesstheanswertothisisonlyyesifitcountstous.Ifwhatmatterstousiswhatwe’reconcerned

about,thenplayandrestisimportant.Ifwhatmatterstousiswhatotherpeoplethinkorsayorvalue,thenit’sbacktoexhaustionandproducingforself-worth.Today,Ichooseplayandrest.

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate:Oneofthebestthingsthatwe’veeverdoneinourfamilyismakingthe“ingredientsforjoyandmeaning”list.Iencourageyoutositdownandmakealistofthespecificconditionsthat

areinplacewheneverythingfeelsgoodinyourlife.Thencheckthatlistagainstyourto-dolistandyourto-accomplishlist.Itmightsurpriseyou.

GetInspired:I’mcontinuallyinspiredbyStuartBrown’sworkonplayandDanielPink’sbookAWholeNewMind.4Ifyouwanttolearnmoreabouttheimportanceofplayandrest,readthesebooks.

GetGoing:Saynotoday.Buckthesystem.Takesomethingoffyourlistandadd“takeanap.”

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Afterthisresearchfirstemerged,rememberthatImadeabeelineformytherapist’soffice.Iknewmylifewasoutofbalance,andIwantedmoreofwhatIwaslearningaboutinmystudy.Ialsowantedtofigure outwhy Iwas having dizzy spellswhenever I got really anxious and stressed out. Iwouldactuallygetlightheaded,andtheroomwouldstarttospin.Acoupleoftimes,Iliterallyfellover.Thedizzinesswasnew;theanxietywasnot.BeforeIstartedlearningaboutWholeheartedliving,I

had alwaysbeen able tomanage the competingpriorities, the familydemands, and theunrelentingpressureofacademiclife.Inmanyways,anxietywasaconstantinmylife.ButasIstarteddevelopinganawarenessaboutWholeheartedliving,it’sasifmybodysaid,“I’m

going to help you embrace this newway of living bymaking it very difficult for you to ignoreanxiety.”IfIbecametooanxietyridden,I’dliterallyhavetositdownorriskfalling.IremembertellingDiana,mytherapist,“Ican’tfunctionthiswayanylonger.Ireallycan’t.”Shereplied,“Iknow.Iseethat.Whatdoyouthinkyouneed?”Ithoughtaboutitforasecondandsaid,“IneedawaytostayonmyfeetwhenI’mreallyanxious.”Shejustsattherenoddingherheadandwaiting,liketherapistsdo.Waitingandwaitingandwaiting.Finally,itdawnedonme.“Oh.Igetit.Ican’tfunctionthisway.Ican’tfunctioninthismuchanxiety

anymore.Idon’tneedtofigureoutawaytokeepgoingwiththislevelofanxiety—Ineedtofigureouthowtobelessanxious.”Thatsilencethingcanbeeffective.It’sapainintheass,butnonethelesseffective.Iusedmy research to formulateaplan to lessenmyanxiety.Themenandwomen I interviewed

weren’tanxiety-freeorevenanxiety-averse;theywereanxiety-aware.Theywerecommittedtoawayoflivingwhereanxietywasarealitybutnotalifestyle.Theydidthisbycultivatingcalmandstillnessintheirlivesandmakingthesepracticesthenorm.Calmandstillnessmaysoundlikethesamethings,butIlearnedthattheyaredifferentandthatwe

needboth.

Calm

Idefinecalmascreatingperspectiveandmindfulnesswhilemanaging emotional reactivity.When Ithinkaboutcalmpeople,Ithinkaboutpeoplewhocanbringperspectivetocomplicatedsituationsandfeeltheirfeelingswithoutreactingtoheightenedemotionslikefearandanger.WhenIwaspregnantwithEllen,someonegavemeasmallbookcalledBabyLove:ATraditionof

CalmParentingbyMaudBryt.1Bryt’smother,grandmother,andgreat-grandmotherweremidwivesinHollandandthebookdrawsontheirwisdom.Icanstillseemyselfsittinginmybrand-newgliderwithonehandrestingonmyverypregnantbellyandtheotherhandholdingthatbook.Irememberthinking,Thisismygoal.Iwanttobeacalmparent.Surprisingly,Iamaprettycalmparent.Notbecauseitcomesnaturallytome,butbecauseIpractice.

Alot.Ialsohaveanincrediblerolemodelinmyhusband,Steve.Bywatchinghim,I’velearnedaboutthevalueofbringingperspectiveandquiettodifficultsituations.ItrytobeslowtorespondandquicktothinkDoweevenhavealltheinformationweneedtomake

adecisionorformaresponse?Ialsostayverymindfulabouttheeffectthatcalmhasonananxiouspersonor situation.Apanicked responseproducesmorepanicandmore fear.AspsychologistandwriterHarrietLernersays,“Anxietyisextremelycontagious,butsoiscalm.”2Thequestionbecomes,Dowewanttoinfectpeoplewithmoreanxiety,orhealourselvesandthepeoplearounduswithcalm?Ifwechoose tohealwith calm,wehave to commit topracticing calm.Small thingsmatter.For

example,beforewerespondwecancounttotenorgiveourselvespermissiontosay,“I’mnotsure.Ineedtothinkaboutthissomemore.”It’salsoextremelyeffectivetoidentifytheemotionsthatarethemostlikelytosparkyourreactivityandthenpracticenon-reactiveresponses.Acoupleofyearsagotherewasthispowerfulpublicserviceannouncementthatshowedacouple

screamingateachotherandslammingthedoorineachother ’sfaces.Theywereshoutingthingslike,“Ihateyou!”and“Mindyourownbusiness!”and“Idon’twanttotalktoyou.”Asyouwatchedit,youhadno ideawhat orwhy theykept saying these things, slamming thedoor, and then startingover.Afterabouttwentysecondsoftheslammingandyelling,thecoupleheldhandsandwalkedawayfromscreen. One of them says to the other, “I think we’re ready.” The commercial then cut to theannouncer,whosaidsomethinglike,“Talktoyourkidsaboutdrugs.It’snoteasy,but itcouldsavetheirlives.”Thecommercialisagreatexampleofpracticingcalm.Unlesswehadcalmmodeledbyourparents

andgrewuppracticingit,it’sunlikelythatitwillbeourdefaultresponsetoanxiousoremotionallyvolatilesituations.Forme,breathingisthebestplacetostart.JusttakingabreathbeforeIrespondslowsmedownand

immediatelystartsspreadingcalm.SometimesIactuallythinktomyself,I’mdyingtofreakouthere!DoIhaveenoughinformationtofreakout?Willfreakingouthelp?Theanswerisalwaysno.

Stillness

Theconceptofstillnessislesscomplicatedthantheconceptofcalmbut,formeatleast,waymoredifficulttoputintopractice.IwishIcouldtellyouhowmuchIresistedevenhearingpeopledescribestillnessasanintegralpart

oftheirWholeheartedjourney.Frommeditationandprayertoregularperiodsofquietreflectionandalonetime,menandwomenspokeaboutthenecessityofquietingtheirbodiesandmindsasawaytofeellessanxiousandoverwhelmed.I’msuremyresistancetothisideacomesfromthefactthatjustthinkingaboutmeditatingmakes

meanxious.WhenItrytomeditate,Ifeellikeatotalposer.IspendtheentiretimethinkingabouthowIneedtostopthinking,Okay,I’mnotthinkingaboutanything.I’mnotthinkingaboutanything.Milk,diapers,laundrydetergent…stop!Okay,notthinking.Notthinking.Oh,man.Isthisoveryet?Idon’twanttoadmitit,butthetruthisthatstillnessusedtobeveryanxietyprovokingforme.In

mymind,beingstillwasnarrowlydefinedassittingcross-leggedonthefloorandfocusingonthat

elusivenothingness.AsIcollectedandanalyzedmorestories,Irealizedthatmyinitialthinkingwaswrong.Here’sthedefinitionofstillnessthatemergedfromthedata:

Stillnessisnotaboutfocusingonnothingness;it’saboutcreatingaclearing.It’sopeningupanemotionallyclutter-freespaceandallowingourselvestofeelandthinkanddreamandquestion.

Oncewecanletgoofourassumptionsaboutwhatstillnessissupposedtolooklikeandfindawayto create a clearing that works for us, we stand a better chance of opening ourselves up andconfrontingthenextbarriertostillness:fear.Anditcanbebig,bigfear.Ifwestoplongenoughtocreateaquietemotionalclearing,thetruthofourliveswillinvariably

catchupwithus.Weconvinceourselvesthatifwestaybusyenoughandkeepmoving,realitywon’tbe able to keep up. Sowe stay in front of the truth about how tired and scared and confused andoverwhelmedwe sometimes feel. Of course, the irony is that the thing that’s wearing us down istrying to stayout in frontof feelingworndown.This is the self-perpetuatingqualityof anxiety. Itfeedsonitself.IoftensaythatwhentheystarthavingTwelveStepmeetingsforbusy-aholics,they’llneedtorentoutfootballstadiums.In addition to fear, another barrier that gets in theway of both stillness and calm is howwe’re

raisedtothinkaboutthesepractices.Fromveryearlyinourlives,wegetconfusingmessagesaboutthevalueofcalmandstillness.Parentsandteachersscream,“Calmdown!”and“Sitstill!”ratherthanactuallymodeling thebehaviors theywant tosee.So insteadofbecomingpractices thatwewant tocultivate,calmgiveswaytoperpetuatinganxiety,andtheideaofstillnessmakesusfeeljumpy.In our increasingly complicated and anxiousworld, we needmore time to do less and be less.

Whenwefirststartcultivatingcalmandstillnessinourlives,itcanbedifficult,especiallywhenwerealize how stress and anxiety define so much of our daily lives. But as our practices becomestronger,anxietylosesitsholdandwegainclarityaboutwhatwe’redoing,wherewe’regoing,andwhatholdstruemeaningforus.

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate:Myanxietydetoxincludedmorecalmandmorestillness,butitalsoincludedmoreexerciseandlesscaffeine.Iknowsomanypeoplewhotakesomethingatnighttohelpthemsleepanddrinkcaffeinealldaytostayawake.Calmandstillnessarepotentmedicineforgeneralsleeplessnessand a lack of energy. Increasing my daily intake of calm and stillness along with walking andswimmingandcuttingcaffeinehasdonewondersformylife.

GetInspired:IremaininspiredandtransformedbysomethingIlearnedfromHarrietLerner ’sbookTheDanceofConnection.3Dr.Lernerexplainsthatweallhavepatternedwaysofmanaginganxiety.Someofusrespondtoanxietybyoverfunctioningandothersbyunderfunctioning.Overfunctionerstendtomovequickly toadvise,rescue, takeover,micromanage,andget inotherpeople’sbusinessratherthanlookinward.Underfunctionerstendtogetlesscompetentunderstress.Theyinviteotherstotakeoverandoftenbecomethefocusoffamilygossip,worry,orconcern.Theycangetlabeledasthe “irresponsible one” or the “the problem child” or the “fragile one.” Dr. Lerner explains thatseeingthesebehaviorsaspatternedresponsestoanxiety,ratherthantruthsaboutwhoweare,canhelpusunderstandthatwecanchange.Overfunctioners,likeme,canbecomemorewillingtoembraceourvulnerabilities in the faceof anxiety, andunderfunctionerscanwork toamplify their strengthsandcompetencies.

GetGoing:Experimentwith different formsof still andquiet.We all need to find something that

worksforus.Tobehonest,I’mnevermoreopenandemotionallyclutter-freethanwhenI’mwalkingaloneoutside.It’snottechnicallystill,butit’sanemotionalopeningforme.

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Inthechapteroncreativity,Iwrotethatasignificantpartofmyworkinvolvesmakingconnections.Infact,theheartofmyworkisfindingandnamingthesubtleandoftenunspokenconnectionsbetweenhowwethink,feel,andact.Sometimestheconnectionsareeasytospotandfallrightintoplace.Othertimes they are elusive, and trying to put things together feels messy and tangled. This guidepoststartedoutasoneofthosemessyandtangledexperiences,butwithtime,Ilearnedaboutsomestrikingconnections.Earlyinthisresearch,itwascleartomethatlivingaWholeheartedlifeincludedengaginginwhat

many people I interviewed calledmeaningful work. Others spoke of having a calling. And somesimplydescribedfeelingatremendoussenseofaccomplishmentandpurposefromtheirwork.Itallseemedpretty straightforward, except for thispesky listofwords that emergedasbeing importantandsomehowconnectedtothequestformeaningfulwork:

giftsandtalentsspiritualitymakingalivingcommitmentsupposedto’sself-doubt

I say pesky because it took me a long time to figure out how they all worked together. Theexhaustedpartofmewantedtoforgetaboutthese“extra”words,muchlikewhatStevedoeswhenheputs together furniture fromIKEAand thereare twelveunusedscrewswhenhe’sdone. Iwanted tostandback,giveitalittleshake,andsay,“Goodenough!Thesemustbeextras.”ButIcouldn’t.SoItookaparttheideaofmeaningfulwork,interviewedmoreparticipants,found

theconnections,andrebuilttheguidepost.Thisiswhatemerged:

Weallhavegiftsandtalents.Whenwecultivate thosegiftsandshare themwith theworld,wecreateasenseofmeaningandpurposeinourlives.Squanderingourgiftsbringsdistresstoourlives.Asitturnsout,it’snotmerelybenignor“toobad” if we don’t use the gifts that we’ve been given; we pay for it with our emotional andphysicalwell-being.Whenwedon’tuseour talents tocultivatemeaningfulwork,westruggle.We feel disconnected and weighed down by feelings of emptiness, frustration, resentment,shame,disappointment,fear,andevengrief.

MostofuswhoaresearchingforspiritualconnectionspendtoomuchtimelookingupattheskyandwonderingwhyGodlivessofaraway.Godliveswithinus,notaboveus.SharingourgiftsandtalentswiththeworldisthemostpowerfulsourceofconnectionwithGod.Usingourgiftsandtalentstocreatemeaningfulworktakesatremendousamountofcommitment,becauseinmanycasesthemeaningfulworkisnotwhatpaysthebills.Somefolkshavemanagedtoaligneverything—theyuse theirgiftsand talents todowork that feeds their soulsand theirfamilies;however,mostpeoplepieceittogether.Noonecandefinewhat’smeaningfulforus.Culturedoesn’tgettodictateifit’sworkingoutsidethehome,raisingchildren,lawyering,teaching,orpainting.Likeourgiftsandtalents,meaningisuniquetoeachoneofus.

Self-Doubtand“SupposedTo”

Thegauntletofgremlinscangetinthewayofcultivatingmeaningfulwork.Theystartbytauntingusaboutourgiftsandtalents:

“Maybeeveryonehasspecialgifts…exceptforyou.Maybethat’swhyyouhaven’tfoundthemyet.”“Yes,youdothatwell,butthat’snotreallyagift.It’snotbigenoughorimportantenoughtobearealtalent.”

Self-doubtunderminestheprocessoffindingourgiftsandsharingthemwiththeworld.Moreover,ifdevelopingandsharingourgiftsishowwehonorspiritandconnectwithGod,self-doubtislettingourfearundermineourfaith.Thegremlinsgetlotsofmileageoutof“supposedto”—thebattlecryoffittingin,perfectionism,

people-pleasing,andprovingourselves:

“You’resupposedtocareaboutmakingmoney,notmeaning.”“You’resupposedtogrowupandbea____________.Everyone’scountingonit.”“You’resupposedtohateyourwork;that’sthedefinitionofwork.”“If you’re brave, you’re supposed to quit your job and follow your bliss.Don’tworry aboutmoney!”“You’resupposedtochoose:Workyouloveorworkthatsupportsthepeopleyoulove.”

Toovercomeself-doubtand“supposedto,”wehavetostartowningthemessages.Whatmakesusafraid?What’sonour“supposedto”list?Whosays?Why?Gremlinsareliketoddlers.Ifyouignorethem,theygetlouder.It’susuallybesttojustacknowledge

themessages.Writethemdown.Iknowitseemscounterintuitive,butwritingthemdownandowningthegremlins’messagesdoesn’tgivethemessagesmorepower;itgivesusmorepower.Itgivesustheopportunitytosay,“Igetit.IseethatI’mafraidofthis,butI’mgoingtodoitanyway.”

NicetoMeetYou.WhatDoYouDo?

Inadditiontothegremlins,anotherthingthatgetsinthewayofmeaningfulworkisthestruggletodefinewhoweareandwhatwedoinanhonestway.Inaworldthatvaluestheprimacyofwork,themostcommonquestionthatweaskandgetaskedis,“Whatdoyoudo?”Iusedtowinceeverytimesomeoneaskedmethisquestion.Ifeltlikemychoicesweretoreducemyselftoaneasilydigestible

soundbiteortoconfusethehelloutofpeople.Nowmyanswerto“Whatdoyoudo?”is,“Howmuchtimedoyouhave?”Most of us have complicated answers to this question. For example, I’m a mom, partner,

researcher,writer,storyteller,sister,friend,daughter,andteacher.AllofthesethingsmakeupwhoIam,soIneverknowhowtoanswerthatquestion.And,tobehonestwithyou,I’mtiredofchoosingtomakeiteasieronthepersonwhoasked.In 2009, ImetMarciAlboher, an author/speaker/coach. If you’rewonderingwhat’s upwith the

slashes, I think they’revery appropriate asMarci is the authorofOnePerson/MultipleCareers:ANewModelforWork/LifeSuccess.1

Alboherinterviewedhundredsofpeoplepursuingmultiplecareerssimultaneouslyanddiscoveredhow slash careers—researcher/storyteller, artist/real estate agent—integrate and fully express themultiplepassions,talents,andintereststhatasinglecareercannotaccommodate.Marci’sbookisfullof stories about peoplewho have createdmeaningful work by refusing to be defined by a singlecareer. Examples include a longshoreman/documentary filmmaker, a management consultant/cartoonist, a lawyer/chef, a rabbi/stand-up comic, a surgeon/playwright, an investmentmanager/rapper,andatherapist/violinmaker.Iwanted to share the idea of the slash effectwith you because in the blogging, art, andwriting

world, Imeet somany peoplewho are afraid to claim their work. For example, I recentlymet awomanatasocialmediaconferencewhoisanaccountant/jeweler.Iwasexcitedtomeether,becauseIhadboughtabeautifulpairofearringsfromheronline.WhenIaskedherhowlongshehadbeenajeweler,sheblushedandsaid,“Iwish.I’maCPA.I’mnotarealjeweler.”Ithoughttomyself,I’mwearingyourearringsrightnow,notyourabacus.WhenIpointedtomy

earsandsaid,“Ofcourseyou’reajewelrymaker!”shejustsmiledandreplied,“Idon’tmakeverymuchmoneydoingthat.IjustdoitbecauseIloveit.”Asludicrousasthatsoundedtome,Igetit.Ihate calling myself a writer because it doesn’t feel legitimate to me. I’m not writer enough.Overcoming self-doubt is all about believingwe’re enough and letting go ofwhat theworld sayswe’resupposedtobeandsupposedtocallourselves.EverysemesterIsharethisquotebytheologianHowardThurmanwithmygraduatestudents.It’s

alwaysbeenoneofmyfavorites,butnowthatI’vestudiedtheimportanceofmeaningfulwork, it’stakenonnewsignificance:“Don’taskwhattheworldneeds.Askwhatmakesyoucomealive,andgodoit.Becausewhattheworldneedsispeoplewhohavecomealive.”

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate: It can take some time to figureouthow toget deliberate aboutdoingmeaningfulwork.Ifinallygotveryspecificandwrotedownmyowncriteriafor“meaningful.”Rightnow,justforme, Iwantmywork to be inspiring, contemplative, and creative. I’musing these as a filter tomakedecisionsaboutwhatIdo/whatIcommitto/howIspendmytime.

GetInspired:IhighlyrecommendMarciAlboher ’sOnePerson/MultipleCareers.Itincludeslotsofpracticalstrategiesforlivingtheslash.MalcomGladwellisalsoaconstantsourceofinspirationforme. In his bookOutliers, Gladwell proposes that there are three criteria for meaningful work—complexity, autonomy, and a relationship between effort and reward—and that these can often befoundincreativework.2Thesecriteriaabsolutelyfitwithwhatcultivatingmeaningfulworkmeansinthe context of the Wholehearted journey. Last, I think everyone should read Paulo Coelho’s The

Alchemist3—Itrytoreaditatleastonceayear.It’sapowerfulwayofseeingtheconnectionsbetweenour gifts, our spirituality, and our work (slashed or not) and how they come together to createmeaninginourlives.

GetGoing:Makealistoftheworkthatinspiresyou.Don’tbepractical.Don’tthinkaboutmakingaliving;thinkaboutdoingsomethingyoulove.There’snothingthatsaysyouhavetoquityourdayjobtocultivatemeaningfulwork.There’salsonothing thatsaysyourday job isn’tmeaningfulwork—maybeyou’vejustneverthoughtofitthatway.What’syouridealslash?Whatdoyouwanttobewhenyougrowup?Whatbringsmeaningtoyou?

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Dancelikenooneiswatching.Singlikenooneislistening.Lovelikeyou’veneverbeenhurtandlivelikeit’sheavenonEarth.

—MARKTWAIN

Throughout human history, we’ve relied on laughter, song, and dance to express ourselves, tocommunicate our stories and emotions, to celebrate andmourn, and to nurture community.Whilemostpeoplewould tellyou thata lifewithout laughter,music,anddancewouldbeunbearable, it’seasytotaketheseexperiencesforgranted.Laughter,song,anddancearesowovenintothefabricofoureverydaylifethatwecanforgethow

muchwe value the peoplewho canmake us laugh, the songs that inspire us to roll down the carwindowandsingatthetopofourlungs,andthetotalfreedomwefeelwhenwe“dancelikenooneiswatching.”InherbookDancing in theStreets:AHistoryofCollectiveJoy, social criticBarbaraEhrenreich

drawsonhistoryandanthropologytodocumenttheimportanceofengaginginwhatshereferstoas“collective ecstasy.” Ehrenreich concludes that we are “innately social beings, impelled almostinstinctively to share our joy.”1 I absolutely believe she is right. I also love the idea of collectiveecstasy—especiallynow,whenweseemtobestuckinastateofcollectivefearandanxiety.AsIsiftedthroughmydata,Iaskedmyselftwoquestions:

1. Whyarelaughter,song,anddancesoimportanttous?2. Istheresometransformationalelementthattheyhaveincommon?

Thesewerecomplicatedquestions toanswerbecause,yes,weyearn to laughandsinganddancewhenwefeeljoy,butwealsoturntotheseformsofexpressionwhenwefeellonely,sad,excited,inlove, heartbroken, afraid, ashamed, confident, certain, doubtful, brave, grief, and ecstasy (just toname a few). I’m convinced that there’s a song, a dance, and a path to laughter for every humanemotion.Afteracoupleofyearsofanalyzingmydata,here’swhatIlearned:

Laughter,song,anddancecreateemotionalandspiritualconnection;theyremindusoftheonethingthattrulymatterswhenwearesearchingforcomfort,celebration,inspiration,orhealing:Wearenotalone.

Ironically, I learned the most about laughter during the eight years that I was studying shame.Shameresiliencerequireslaughter.InIThoughtItWasJustMe, I refer to thekindof laughter thathelpsushealasknowinglaughter.Laughterisaspiritualformofcommuning;withoutwordswecansaytooneanother,“I’mwithyou.Igetit.”

Truelaughterisnottheuseofhumorasself-deprecationordeflection;it’snotthekindofpainfullaughter we sometimes hide behind. Knowing laughter embodies the relief and connection weexperiencewhenwerealizethepowerofsharingourstories—we’renotlaughingateachotherbutwitheachother.Oneofmyfavoritedefinitionsof laughtercomes fromwriterAnneLamott,whomIonceheard

say,“Laughterisabubbly,effervescentformofholiness.”Amen!

Song

Fromtheeight-tracktapesmyparentsplayedinourstationwagontomystackofvinylrecordsfromthe1970stomymix-tapesfromthe’80sand’90stotheiTunesplaylistsonmynewcomputer,mylifehasasoundtrack.Andthesongsfromthatsoundtrackcanstirmemoriesandprovokeemotioninmelikenothingelse.I realize thatnoteveryoneshares the samepassion formusic,but theone thing that isuniversal

aboutsongisitsabilitytomoveusemotionally—sometimesinwayswedon’teventhinkabout.Forexample,Iwasrecentlywatchingthedirector ’scutofamovie.Itshowedaverydramaticscenefromthefilmwithmusicandthenwithoutmusic.Icouldn’tbelievethedifference.ThefirsttimeIwatchedthefilm,Ididn’tevennoticethatmusicwasplaying.Iwasjustontheedge

ofmyseatwaitingandhopingthatthingswouldturnoutthewayIwantedthemto.WhenIwatcheditwithoutmusic, thescenewasflat.Therewasn’t thesame levelofanticipation.Withoutmusic it feltfactual,notemotional.Whetherit’sahymnatchurch,thenationalanthem,acollegefightsong,asongontheradio,orthe

carefullyscoredsoundtracktoamovie,musicreachesoutandoffersusconnection—somethingwereallycan’tlivewithout.

Dancing

I measure the spiritual health of our family by how much dancing is happening in our kitchen.Seriously.Charlie’sfavoritedancesongis“KungFuFighting”andEllenlikesVanillaIce’s“IceIceBaby”!We’remusicanddance lovers,not snobs.We’renotabovekicking itold-schoolwith“TheTwist”or“TheMacarena.”Wedon’thaveabigkitchensowhen the fourofusare in there, sock-footedandslidingaround,itlooksmorelikeamoshpitthanasockhop.It’smessy,butit’salwaysfun.Itdidn’ttakemelongtolearnthatdanceisatoughissueformanypeople.Laughinghysterically

canmakeusfeelalittleoutofcontrol,andsingingoutloudcanmakesomeofusfeelself-conscious.But formany of us, there is no form of self-expression thatmakes us feelmore vulnerable thandancing.It’sliterallyfull-bodyvulnerability.Theonlyotherfull-bodyvulnerabilitythatIcanthinkofisbeingnaked,andIdon’thavetotellyouhowvulnerablethatmakesmostofusfeel.Formanypeople,riskingthatkindofpublicvulnerabilityistoodifficult,sotheydanceathomeor

only in frontofpeople theycare about.Forothers, thevulnerability is so crushing that theydon’tdanceatall.Onewomantoldme,“SometimesifI’mwatchingTVandpeoplearedancingorthere’sagood song playing, I tap my feet without even noticing it. When I finally catch myself, I feelembarrassed.Ihavenorhythm.”There’snoquestionthatsomepeoplearemoremusicallyinclinedorcoordinatedthanothers,but

I’mstartingtobelievethatdanceisinourDNA.Notsuper-hipandcooldancing,orlinedancing,or

Dancingwith theStars dancing—buta strongpull toward rhythmandmovement.Youcan see thisdesiretomoveinchildren.Untilweteachourchildrenthattheyneedtobeconcernedwithhowtheylookandwithwhatotherpeoplethink,theydance.Theyevendancenaked.Notalwaysgracefullyorwiththebeat,butalwayswithjoyandpleasure.WriterMaryJoPutneysays,“Whatonelovesinchildhoodstaysintheheartforever.”Ifthisistrue,

andIbelieveitis,thendancestaysinourheart,evenwhenourheadbecomesoverlyconcernedwithwhatpeoplemightthink.

Be ing Cool and“Always inControl”Theonlytruecurrencyinthisbankruptworldiswhatyousharewithsomeoneelsewhenyou’reuncool.

—AQUOTEFROMTHEFILMALMOSTFAMOUS,2000

A good belly laugh, singing at the top of your lungs, and dancing like no one is looking areunquestionablygoodforthesoul.ButasImentioned,theyarealsoexercisesinvulnerability.Therearemanyshametriggersaroundthevulnerabilityoflaughing,song,anddance.Thelistincludesthefearofbeingperceivedasawkward,goofy, silly, spastic,uncool,outofcontrol, immature, stupid,andfoolish.Formostofus,thisisaprettyscarylist.Thegremlinsareconstantlytheretomakesurethatself-expressiontakesabackseattoself-protectionandself-consciousness.

1. “Whatwillpeoplethink?”2. “Everyoneiswatching—calmdown!”3. “Youlookridiculous!Getaholdofyourself.”

Womenspokeaboutthedangersofbeingperceivedas“gettingtooloud”or“outofhand.”Ican’ttellyouhowmanywomentoldmeaboutthepainfulexperienceofthrowingcautiontothewind,onlytobepatronizinglytold,“Whoa…settledown.”Menwerequicktopointoutthedangersofbeingperceivedas“outofcontrol.”Onemantoldme,

“Womensayweshouldletlooseandhavefun.Howattractivewilltheythinkweareifwegetoutonthedancefloorandlooklikeassholesinfrontofotherguys—orworse—yourgirlfriend’sfriends.It’seasiertojusthangbackandactlikeyou’renotinterestedindancing.Evenifyoureallywantto.”Therearemanywaysinwhichmenandwomenhustleforworthinessaroundtheseissues,butthe

two that keep us the most quiet and still are hustling to be perceived as “cool” and “in control.”Wanting to be perceived as cool isn’t about wanting to be “The Fonz”—it’s about minimizingvulnerabilityinordertoreducetheriskofbeingridiculedormadefunof.Wehustleforourworthinessbyslippingontheemotionalandbehavioralstraitjacketofcooland

posturingasthetragicallyhipandtheterminally“betterthan.”Being“incontrol”isn’talwaysaboutthedesiretomanipulatesituations,butoftenit’sabouttheneedtomanageperception.Wewanttobeabletocontrolwhatotherpeoplethinkaboutussothatwecanfeelgoodenough.Igrewup ina familywherebeingcooland fitting inwerehighlyvalued.Asanadult, Ihave to

constantly work at allowingmyself to be vulnerable and authentic around some of these issues. Icouldlaughandsinganddanceasanadult,aslongasIstayedclearofsilly,goofy,andawkward.Foryears,theseweremajorshametriggersforme.During my 2007 Breakdown Spiritual Awakening, I learned how much I’ve missed while

pretendingtobecool.IrealizedthatoneofthereasonsI’mafraidtotrynewthings(likeyogaorthehip-hopexerciseclassatmygym)ismyfearofbeingperceivedasgoofyandawkward.I’vespentalotoftimeandenergyworkingonthis.It’saslowprocess.I’mstillonlysupersillyand

goofyaroundpeopleItrust,butIthinkthat’sokay.I’malsoworkinghardnottopassthisdowntomy

kids.It’seasytodowhenwe’renotmindfulofthegremlinsandshametriggers.Here’sproof:Lastyear,IhadtoruntoNordstromtopickupsomemake-up.Iwasinoneofthose“nothingfits

andIfeellikeJabbatheHutt”moods,soIputonmybaggiestsweats,pulledmydirtyhairbackwithaheadband,andtoldEllen,“We’rejustrunninginandrunningout.”Onthewaytothemall,Ellenremindedmethattheshoeshergrandmotherhadboughtherwerein

thebackofthecarandaskedifwecouldexchangethemforabiggersizewhilewewereatthestore.AfterIboughtmymakeup,wewentupstairstothekid’sshoedepartment.Assoonasweclearedthetop of the escalator, I saw a trio of gorgeouswomen standing in the shoe department. Theyweretossing their long (clean) hair over their narrow, square shoulders as they perched on their high-heeled,pointed-toeboots,andwatchedtheirequallybeautifuldaughterstryonsneakers.AsItriedtoavoidcrumblingandcomparingbyfocusingonthedisplayshoes,Isawastrangeblur

of jerky movement out of the corner of my eye. It was Ellen. A pop song was playing in theneighboringchildren’sdepartment,andEllen,mytotallyconfidenteight-year-old,wasdancing.Or,tobemorespecific,shewasdoingtherobot.AttheverymomentthatEllenlookedupandsawmewatchingher,Isawthemagnificentmomsand

theirmatching daughters staring right at Ellen. Themothers looked embarrassed for her, and thedaughters,whowereacoupleofyearsolderthanEllen,werevisiblyontheedgeofdoingorsayingsomethingmean-spirited.Ellenfroze.Stillbentoverwithherarmsinrigidformation,shelookedupatmewitheyesthatsaid,“WhatdoIdo,Mom?”MydefaultresponseinthisscenarioistoshootadiminishinglookatEllenthatsays,“Geez,man.

Don’tbesouncool!”Basically,myimmediatereactionwouldbetosavemyselfbybetrayingEllen.ThankGodIdidn’t.Somecombinationofbeingimmersedinthiswork,havingamotherinstinctthatwaslouderthanmyfear,andpuregracetoldme,“ChooseEllen!Beonherside!”IglancedupattheothermothersandthenlookedatEllen.Ireacheddownintomycourage,asfar

as Igo, smiled,andsaid,“Youneed toadd thescarecrow toyourmoves.” I letmywristandhanddanglefrommyextendedarmandpretendedtobatmyforearmaround.Ellensmiled.Westoodinthemiddleoftheshoedepartmentandpracticedourmovesuntilthesongwasover.I’mnotsurehowtheonlookersrespondedtoourshoedepartmentSoulTrain.Ididn’ttakemyeyesoffEllen.Betrayalisanimportantwordwiththisguidepost.Whenwevaluebeingcoolandincontrolover

grantingourselvesthefreedomtounleashthepassionate,goofy,heartfelt,andsoulfulexpressionsofwhowe are,we betray ourselves.Whenwe consistently betray ourselves,we can expect to do thesametothepeoplewelove.Whenwedon’tgiveourselvespermissiontobefree,werarelytoleratethatfreedominothers.We

put themdown,makefunof them,ridicule theirbehaviors,andsometimesshamethem.Wecandothisintentionallyorunconsciously.Eitherwaythemessageis,“Geez,man.Don’tbesouncool.”TheHopiIndianshaveasaying,“Towatchusdanceistohearourheartsspeak.”Iknowhowmuch

courageittakestoletpeoplehearourheartsspeak,butlifeiswaytooprecioustospenditpretendinglikewe’resuper-coolandtotallyincontrolwhenwecouldbelaughing,singing,anddancing.

DIGDeep

GetDeliberate:Ifwebelievethatlaughter,song,anddanceareessentialtooursoul-care,howdowemakesurethatweholdspacefortheminourlives?Onethingthatwe’vestarteddoingisturningonmusic in thekitchenwhilewedoa familycleanupafter supper.Wedanceand sing,which in turn,alwaysleadstoagoodlaugh.

GetInspired: I lovemaking“themedplaylists”—groupsofsongs that Iwant to listen towhenI’mfeelingacertainway.Ihaveeverythingfromaplaylistcalled“GodontheiPod,”toa“Runlikeyoumeanit”list.Myfavoriteismy“AuthenticMe”list—thesongsthatmakemefeelmostlikemyself.

GetGoing:Daretobegoofy.Danceeverydayforfiveminutes.MakeaCDofsongstosingalongwithinthecar.WatchthatdumbYouTubevideothatmakesyoulaugheverytime!

HowdoyouDIGDeep?

Ithinkmostofushavedevelopedfairlysensitivebullshitmeterswhenitcomestoreading“self-help”books.Ithinkthisisagoodthing.Therearetoomanybooksthatmakepromisestheycan’tkeepormakechangesoundsomucheasierthanitis.Thetruthisthatmeaningfulchangeisaprocess.Itcanbe uncomfortable and is often risky, especially when we’re talking about embracing ourimperfections,cultivatingauthenticity,andlookingtheworldintheeyeandsaying,“Iamenough.”Howeverafraidweareofchange, thequestionthatwemustultimatelyanswer is this:What’s the

greaterrisk?LettinggoofwhatpeoplethinkorlettinggoofhowIfeel,whatIbelieve,andwhoIam?Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It’s about

cultivatingthecourage,compassion,andconnectiontowakeupinthemorningandthink,Nomatterwhatgetsdoneandhowmuchisleftundone,Iamenough.It’sgoingtobedatnightthinking,Yes,Iamimperfectandvulnerableandsometimesafraid,butthatdoesn’tchangethetruththatIamalsobraveandworthyofloveandbelonging.It makes sense to me that the gifts of imperfection are courage, compassion, and connection,

becausewhenIthinkbacktomylifebeforethiswork,Irememberoftenfeelingfearful,judgmental,andalone—theoppositeofthegifts.Iwondered,WhatifIcan’tkeepalloftheseballsintheair?Whyisn’teveryoneelseworkingharderandlivinguptomyexpectations?WhatwillpeoplethinkifIfailorgiveup?WhencanIstopprovingmyselftoeveryone?Forme,theriskoflosingmyselffeltfarmoredangerousthantheriskoflettingpeopleseethereal

me.It’sbeenclosetofouryearssincethatdayin2006,whenmyownresearchturnedmylifeupsidedown.It’sbeenthebestfouryearsofmylife,andIwouldn’tchangeathing.TheBreakdownSpiritualAwakeningwastough,butI’mhardheaded.Iguesstheuniverseneededawaytogetmyattention.Despitewherethisbookwillbeshelvedinyourlocalbookstore,I’mnotatallsurethatthisworkis

about self-help. I think of it as an invitation to join a Wholehearted revolution. A small, quiet,grassroots movement that starts with each of us saying, “My story matters because I matter.” Amovement where we can take to the streets with our messy, imperfect, wild, stretch-marked,wonderful, heartbreaking, grace-filled, and joyful lives. A movement fueled by the freedom thatcomeswhenwestoppretending thateverything isokaywhen it isn’t.Acall that risesup fromourbellies when we find the courage to celebrate those intensely joyful moments even though we’veconvincedourselvesthatsavoringhappinessisinvitingdisaster.Revolutionmightsoundalittledramatic,butinthisworld,choosingauthenticityandworthinessis

anabsoluteactofresistance.Choosingtoliveandlovewithourwholeheartsisanactofdefiance.You’regoingtoconfuse,pissoff,andterrifylotsofpeople—includingyourself.Oneminuteyou’ll

pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute you’ll pray that it never ends. You’ll alsowonderhowyoucanfeelsobraveandsoafraidatthesametime.Atleastthat’showIfeelmostofthetime…brave,afraid,andvery,veryalive.

Acoupleofyearsago,ayoungwomancameuptomeafteraspeakingeventandsaid,“Ihopeyouwon’tthinkthisisweirdorrudeorsomething,butyoudon’tlooklikearesearcher.”Shedidn’tsayanythingelse;shejuststoodtherewaitingandlookingconfused.Ismiledandasked,“Whatdoyoumean?”Shereplied,“Youseemsonormal.”Ichuckled.“Well,lookscanbedeceiving.I’msonotnormal.”We ended up having a great conversation. She was a single mother getting her undergraduate

degreeinpsychologyandlovedherresearchclasses,butherfacultyadvisorwasn’tencouragingherto pursue the research track. We talked about work and motherhood and what researchers aresupposed to look like. It seemed that I was missing the mice, the long white lab coat, and the Ychromosome. She toldme, “I pictured olderwhite guysworking in labs and studyingmice, not asoccermomstudyingfeelings.”Thejourneythatledmetobecomearesearcherwasanythingbutastraightandnarrowpath,which,

ironically,isprobablywhyandhowIendedupstudyinghumanbehaviorandemotionforaliving.Iwasacollegedrop-inanddrop-outforanumberofyears.Duringmy“offsemesters,”Iwaitedtablesandtendedbar,hitchhikedthroughEurope,playedalotoftennis…yougetthepoint.Ifoundthesocialworkprofessioninmylatetwentiesandknewitwashome.Ididatwo-yearstint

injuniorcollegestoraisemyGPAenoughtogetintoabiguniversitywithasocialworkprogram.ItwasinthosejuniorcollegeclassesthatIfellinlovewiththeideaofteachingandwriting.Afteryearsofdroppingout,IgraduatedwithhonorsfromtheUniversityofTexas–Austinwithmy

bachelor ’s degree in social work when I was twenty-nine and immediately applied for graduateschoolattheUniversityofHouston.Igotaccepted,workedhardandfinishedmymaster ’s,andwasacceptedintothedoctoralprogram.Duringmydoctoralstudies,Idiscoveredqualitativeresearch.Unlikequantitativeresearch,which

isabouttestsandstatisticsthatgiveyouwhatyouneedtopredictandcontrolphenomena,qualitativeresearchisaboutfindingpatternsandthemesthathelpyoubetterunderstandthephenomenonyou’restudying.They’reequallyimportantapproachesbutverydifferent.I use a specificqualitativemethodologycalledGroundedTheory.1 Iwas fortunate enough to be

trained by Barney Glaser, one of the twomen who developed the methodology in the 1960s. Dr.GlasercommutedfromCaliforniatoserveasthemethodologistonmydissertationcommittee.

The basic premise ofGroundedTheory research is to startwith as few preconceived ideas andassumptions as possible so that you can build a theory based on the data that emerges from theprocess.Forexample,whenIfirststartedwithwhatIwouldlaterrefertoasWholeheartedResearch,Ihadtwoquestions:Whatistheanatomyofhumanconnection,andhowdoesitwork?Afterstudyingthebestandworstofhumanity,IhadlearnedthatnothingisasimportantashumanconnectionandIwantedtoknowmoreabouttheinsandoutsofhowwedevelopmeaningfulconnections.Intheprocessofcollectingdatatoanswerthequestions,Iranintoshame—thisthingthatcorroded

connection. I decided to take a quick detour to understand shame so that I could better understandconnection.Atthatpoint,myquestionsbecame,“Whatisshame,andhowdoesitaffectourlives?”Myquickdetourturnedintoeightyears(therewaslotstolearn).Iposednewquestionsbasedon

what Ihad learned:Themenandwomenwhohadembraced theirvulnerabilitiesand imperfectionsanddevelopedapowerfullevelofresiliencetoshameseemedtovalueacertainwayofliving.Whatdid theyvalue, andhowdid theycultivatewhat theyneeded?Thesequestionsbecame thebasis fordeterminingwhatittakesformostpeopletolivewiththeirwholehearts.Mydatadoesn’tcomefromquestionnairesorsurveys;Iinterviewpeopleandcollectstoriesusing

field notes. I’m basically a story catcher. Over the past ten years, I’ve collected more than tenthousandstories. I’vedone formal research interviewswithclose toone thousandmenandwomenindividuallyandinfocusgroups.Peoplehavesharedtheirstorieswithmethroughletters,e-mail,myblog,andthecoursesI’vetaught.Somehaveevensentmetheirartandcopiesoftheirjournals.I’vealsopresentedtotensofthousandsofmentalhealthprofessionalswhohavesharedtheircasestudieswithme.When I’m finished interviewing, I analyze the stories for themes and patterns so I can generate

theoriesfromthedata.WhenIcodedata(analyzethestories),IgointodeepresearchermodewheremyonlyfocusisonaccuratelycapturingwhatIheardinthestories.Idon’tthinkabouthowIwouldsaysomething,onlyhowtheysaidit.Idon’tthinkaboutwhatanexperiencewouldmeantome,onlywhatitmeanttothepersonwhotoldmeaboutit.Rather thanapproachingaproblemandsaying,“Ineed tocollectevidenceofwhat Iknowtobe

true,” theGroundedTheoryapproach forcesme to letgoofmy interestsand investmentsso Icanfocusontheconcerns,interests,andideasofthepeopleIinterview.Thedata-codingprocessislaboriousanddifficult.Myhusband,Steve,likestoleavetownwiththe

kidswhenIgoingintomycomparing,coding,memoingphase.Hesaysit’skindofscarybecauseIwalkaroundthehousedazedandmumblingwithastackofyellowlegalpadsinmyhands.It’saveryattractiveprocess.WhatIlove/hatethemostaboutGroundedTheoryisthatit’sneverreallydone.Thetheorythatyou

generatefromyourdataisonlyas“good”asitsabilitytoexplainnewdata.Thatmeanseverytimeyou collect a new story or a new piece of information, you have to hold it up against the theoryyou’vedeveloped.Doesitwork?Doesitringtrue?Doesyourexistingtheoryworkthisnewdatainameaningfulway?If you followmy blog or if you’ve attended any ofmy lectures, you can probably attest to the

evolvingnatureofmytheory-building.Ifyouwanttohonorthestoriesthatpeoplehavesharedwithyou,youhavetostayrigorousinyourattemptstoaccuratelycapturetheirmeaning.It’sachallenge,butIhonestlylovewhatIdo.Ifyou’rereallyinterestedinGroundedTheoryorifyouwantmoreinformationonmethodology,

visitmyWebsiteforlinkstotheacademicarticlesonShameResilienceTheoryandtheTheoryonWholeheartedLiving(www.brenebrown.com).

notes

Preface1. Brené Brown, Connections: A 12-Session Psychoeducational Shame-Resilience Curriculum

(CenterCity,MN:Hazelden,2009);BrenéBrown,IThoughtItWasJustMe(butitisn’t):TellingtheTruth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power (New York: Penguin / Gotham Books, 2007);Brené Brown, “Shame Resilience Theory,” inContemporary Human Behavior Theory: A CriticalPerspectiveforSocialWork,rev.ed.,ed.SusanP.Robbins,PranabChatterjee,andEdwardR.Canda(Boston: Allyn and Bacon, 2007); Brené Brown, “Shame Resilience Theory: AGrounded TheoryStudyonWomenandShame,”FamiliesinSociety87,no.1(2006):43–52.

Introduction:WholeheartedLiving1.StuartBrownwithChristopherVaughan,Play:HowItShapestheBrain,OpenstheImagination,

andInvigoratestheSoul(NewYork:PenguinGroup,2009).

Courage,Compassion,andConnection:TheGiftsofImperfection1.I’mnotsurewherethetermordinarycouragefirstappeared,butIdiscovereditinanarticleon

womenandgirlsbyresearcherAnnieRogers.2.PemaChödrön,ThePlacesThatScareYou:AGuidetoFearlessnessinDifficultTimes (Boston:

ShambhalaPublications,2001).3.Ibid.4. Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships (New York:

RandomHouse/BantamDell,2006).

ExploringthePowerofLove,Belonging,andBeingEnough1. bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Harper

Paperbacks,2001).2.BlogcommentusedwithpermissionfromJustinValentin.3.BlogcommentusedwithpermissionfromRenaeCobb.

TheThingsThatGetintheWay1. BrenéBrown, I Thought ItWas JustMe (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism,

Inadequacy,andPower(NewYork:Penguin/GothamBooks,2007).2. Themost comprehensive review of the current research literature on shame and guilt can be

foundinShameandGuiltbyJunePriceTangneyandRondaL.Dearing(NewYork:GuilfordPress,2002).3.LindaM.Hartling,WendyRosen,MaureenWalker,andJudithV.Jordan,ShameandHumiliation:

From Isolation toRelationalTransformation,Work inProgressNo. 88 (Wellesley,MA:TheStone

Center,WellesleyCollege,2000).

Guidepost#1,CultivatingAuthenticity:LettingGoofWhatPeopleThink1.JamesR.Mahalik,ElisabethB.Morray,AiméeCoonerty-Femiano,LarryH.Ludlow,SuzanneM.

Slattery, andAndrewSmiler, “Developmentof theConformity toFeminineNorms Inventory,”SexRoles52,no.7–8(2005):417–35.2. James R.Mahalik,W. Tracy Talmadge, BenjaminD. Locke, and Ryan P. J. Scott, “Using the

Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory to Work with Men in a Clinical Setting,” Journal ofClinical Psychology 61, no. 6 (2005): 661–74; James R. Mahalik, Benjamin D. Locke, Larry H.Ludlow,MatthewA.Diemer,RyanP.J.Scott,MichaelGottfried,andGaryFreitas,“DevelopmentoftheConformitytoMasculineNormsInventory,”PsychologyofMenandMasculinity4,no.1(2003):3–25.3. Katherine Center blog, essay for Defining a Movement video, posted January 28, 2010,

http://www.katherinecenter.com/defining-a-movement/.

Guidepost#2,CultivatingSelf-Compassion:LettingGoofPerfectionism1. Anna Quindlen, “Anna Quindlen’s Commencement Speech,”

http://www.mtholyoke.edu/offices/comm/oped/Quindlen.shtml; Anna Quindlen, Being Perfect (NY:RandomHouse,2005).2. Joe Scott, “The Effect of Perfectionism and Unconditional Self-Acceptance on Depression,”

Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive-Behavior Therapy 25, no. 1 (2007): 35–64; Anna M.Bardone-Cone, Katrina Sturm, Melissa A. Lawson, D. Paul Robinson, and Roma Smith,“PerfectionismacrossStagesofRecoveryfromEatingDisorders,”InternationalJournalofEatingDisorders 43, no. 2 (2010): 139–48; Hyun-joo Park, P. Paul Heppner, and Dong-gwi Lee,“Maladaptive Coping and Self-Esteem as Mediators between Perfectionism and PsychologicalDistress,”PersonalityandIndividualDifferences48,no.4(March2010):469–74.3.ChristopherK.Germer,TheMindfulPathtoSelf-Compassion:FreeingYourselffromDestructive

ThoughtsandEmotions(NewYork:GuilfordPress,2009).4. Kristin D. Neff, “Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude

TowardOneself,”SelfandIdentity2(2003):85–101.5.KristinD.Neff,“TheDevelopmentandValidationofaScaletoMeasureSelf-Compassion,”Self

andIdentity2(2003):223–50.6.LeonardCohen,“Anthem,”TheFuture,1992,ColumbiaRecords.

Guidepost#3,CultivatingaResilientSpirit:LettingGoofNumbingandPowerlessness1.UsedwithpermissionfromTerriSt.Cloud.2.SuniyaS.Luthar,DanteCicchetti,andBronwynBecker,“TheConstructofResilience:ACritical

EvaluationandGuidelinesforFutureWork,”ChildDevelopment71,no.3(2000):543–62;SuniyaS.LutharandDanteCicchetti,“TheConstructofResilience: Implications for InterventionsandSocialPolicies,”Development and Psychopathology 12 (2000): 857–85; Christine E. Agaibi and John P.Wilson,“Trauma,PTSD,andResilience:AReviewoftheLiterature,”Trauma,Violence,andAbuse6,no.3(2005):195–216;AnthonyD.Ong,C.S.Bergeman,ToniL.Bisconti,andKimberlyA.Wallace,

“Psychological Resilience, Positive Emotions, and Successful Adaptation to Stress in Later Life,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology91,no.4(2006):730–49.3.C.R.Snyder,PsychologyofHope:YouCanGetTherefromHere,paperbacked.(NewYork:Free

Press,2003);C.R.Snyder,“HopeTheory:Rainbows in theMind,”Psychological Inquiry 13,no.4(2002):249–75.4.C.R.Snyder,KennethA.Lehman,BenKluck,andYngveMonsson,“HopeforRehabilitationand

Vice Versa,” Rehabilitation Psychology 51, no. 2 (2006): 89–112; C. R. Snyder, “Hope Theory:RainbowsintheMind,”PsychologicalInquiry13,no.4(2002):249–75.5. Jean Kilbourne, “Lecture Series: What Are Advertisers Really Selling Us?”

http://jeankilbourne.com/?page_id=12.6.KillingUsSoftly4:Advertising’sImageofWomen,DVD,directedbySutJhally (Northampton,

MA:MediaEducationFoundation,2010).7. Tough Guise: Violence, Media, and the Crisis in Masculinity, DVD, directed by Sut Jhally

(Northampton,MA:MediaEducationFoundation,1999).8.GerardJ.Connors,StephenA.Maisto,andWilliamH.Zywiak,“MaleandFemaleAlcoholics’

AttributionsRegardingtheOnsetandTerminationofRelapsesandtheMaintenanceofAbstinence,”JournalofSubstanceAbuse10,no.1(1998):27–42;G.AlanMarlattandDennisM.Donovan,RelapsePrevention: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive Behaviors, 2nd ed. (New York:Guilford Press, 2007); Norman S.Miller andMark S. Gold, “Dissociation of ‘Conscious Desire’(Craving)fromandRelapseinAlcoholandCocaineDependence,”AnnalsofClinicalPsychology6,no.2(1994):99–106.

Guidepost#4,CultivatingGratitudeandJoy:LettingGoofScarcityandFearoftheDark1. Anne Robertson, “Joy or Happiness?” St. John’s United Methodist Church,

www.stjohnsdover.org/99adv3.html.UsedwithpermissionfromAnneRobertson.2. Lynne Twist,The Soul ofMoney: Transforming Your RelationshipwithMoney and Life (New

York:W.W.NortonandCompany,2003),44.3.Ibid.,75.4. BrenéBrown, I Thought ItWas JustMe (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism,

Inadequacy,andPower(NewYork:Penguin/GothamBooks,2007),204–205.

Guidepost#5,CultivatingIntuitionandTrustingFaith:LettingGooftheNeedforCertainty1.“Intuition,”www.Dictionary.com(accessedFebruary17,2010).2.DavidG.Myers,Intuition:ItsPowersandPerils(NewHaven,CT:YaleUniversityPress,2002);

GerdGigerenzer,GutFeelings:TheIntelligenceoftheUnconscious(London:PenguinBooks,2008).3. RichardRohr, “UtterlyHumbled byMystery,” publishedDecember 18, 2006,National Public

Radio “This I Believe” series, http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6631954(accessedFebruary15,2010).4.AnneLamott,PlanB:Further Thoughts onFaith, paperback ed. (NewYork: PenguinGroup,

RiverheadBooks,2006),256–57.5.AnneLamott,BirdbyBird:SomeInstructionsonWritingandLife(NewYork:RandomHouse,

Anchor Books, 1995); Anne Lamott,Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith, paperback ed. (New

York:PenguinGroup,RiverheadBooks,2008).6. SueMonkKidd,When theHeartWaits: SpiritualDirection for Life’s SacredQuestions (New

York:HarperCollins,HarperOne,2006).7.PemaChödrön,ComfortablewithUncertainty:108TeachingsonCultivatingFearlessnessand

Compassion,massmarketed.(Boston,MA:ShambhalaPublications,2008).8.PauloCoelho,TheAlchemist(NewYork:HarperCollins,2006).

Guidepost#7,CultivatingPlayandRest:LettingGoofExhaustionasaStatusSymbolandProductivityasSelf-Worth1.StuartBrownwithChristopherVaughan,Play:HowItShapestheBrain,OpenstheImagination,

andInvigoratestheSoul(NewYork:PenguinGroup,2009).2.Ibid.3.“SleepandSleepDisorders:APublicHealthChallenge,”www.cdc.gov/sleep/;L.R.McKnight-

Eilyandothers, “Perceived InsufficientRestorSleep—FourStates,2006,”MMWR (Morbidity andMortality Weekly Report) 57, no. 8 (February 29, 2008): 200–203,www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5708a2.htm (accessed January 2, 2010), analyzed datafromCDC’sBehavioralRiskFactorSurveillanceSystem(BRFSS).4.DanielH. Pink,AWholeNewMind:Why Right-BrainersWill Rule the Future, paperback ed.

(PenguinGroup,RiverheadBooks,2006).

Guidepost#8,CultivatingCalmandStillness:LettingGoofAnxietyasaLifestyle1.MaudeBryt,BabyLove:ATraditionofCalmParenting(NewYork:Dell,1998).2. Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to SomeoneWhen You’reMad, Hurt,

Scared,Frustrated,Insulted,Betrayed,orDesperate(NewYork:HarperCollins,2002).3.Ibid.

Guidepost#9,CultivatingMeaningfulWork:LettingGoofSelf-Doubtand“SupposedTo”1.MarciAlboher,OnePerson/MultipleCareers:ANewModelforWork/LifeSuccess (NewYork:

BusinessPlus,2007).2.MalcolmGladwell,Outliers: The Story of Success (New York: Hachette Book Group, Little,

BrownandCompany,2008).3.PauloCoelho,TheAlchemist(NewYork:HarperCollins,2006).

Guidepost#10,CultivatingLaughter,Song,andDance:LettingGoofBeingCooland“AlwaysinControl”1.BarbaraEhrenreich,DancingintheStreets:AHistoryofCollectiveJoy(NewYork:Metropolitan

Books,2006).

AbouttheResearchProcess:AChapterforThrill-SeekersandMethodologyJunkies1. Barney G. Glaser and Anselm L. Strauss, The Discovery of Grounded Theory: Strategies for

Qualitative Research (Hawthorne, NY: Aldine Transaction, 1967); Barney G. Glaser, TheoreticalSensitivity: Advances in theMethodology of Grounded Theory (Mill Valley, CA: Sociology Press,1978);BarneyG.Glaser,BasicsofGroundedTheoryAnalysis:Emergencevs.Forcing (MillValley,CA:SociologyPress,1992);BarneyG.Glaser,DoingGroundedTheory:IssuesandDiscussions(MillValley, CA: Sociology Press, 1998); Barney G. Glaser, The Grounded Theory Perspective:ConceptualizationContrastedwithDescription(MillValley,CA:SociologyPress,2001);BarneyG.Glaser,The Grounded Theory Perspective II: Description’s Remodeling of Grounded Theory (MillValley, CA: Sociology Press, 2003); Barney G. Glaser, The Grounded Theory Perspective III:TheoreticalCoding(MillValley,CA:SociologyPress,2005).

abouttheauthor

Dr.BrenéBrownisaresearcher,writer,andprofessor.SheisamemberoftheresearchfacultyattheUniversity of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, where she has spent the past ten yearsstudyingaconcept thatshecallsWholeheartedness,posingthequestions:Howdoweengageinourlivesfromaplaceofauthenticityandworthiness?Howdowecultivatethecourage,compassion,andconnectionthatweneedtoembraceourimperfectionsandtorecognizethatweareenough—thatweareworthyoflove,belonging,andjoy?Brenéspentthefirstsevenyearsofherdecade-longresearchjourneystudyinghowtheuniversal

experiences of shame and fear affect us and how practicing resilience in our everyday lives canchangethewaywelive,love,parent,andwork.In 2008, shewas namedBehavioralHealth Scholar-in-Residence at theCouncil onAlcohol and

DrugsinHouston.Brené’sworkhasbeenfeaturedonPBSandtheOprahandFriendsRadioNetwork,andherarticleshaveappearedinSelfmagazine,Ellemagazine,andmanynationalnewspapers.Sheisalso a frequent guest on radio shows across the United States. Most recently, Houston WomenMagazinenamedheroneof“The50MostInfluentialWomenof2009.”Inadditiontothisbook,BrenéistheauthorofIThoughtItWasJustMe(butitisn’t):Tellingthe

Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power (Gotham, 2007) and Wholehearted: SpiritualAdventuresinFallingApart,GrowingUp,andFindingJoy(Hazelden,forthcoming).Sheisalsotheauthor of Connections, a psychoeducational shame-resilience curriculum that is being facilitatedacrossthenationbymentalhealthandaddictionsprofessionals.BrenélivesinHoustonwithherhusband,Steve,andtheirtwoyoungchildren,EllenandCharlie.YoucanlearnmoreaboutBrenéandherresearchbyvisitingwww.brenebrown.comorbyvisiting

herblogatwww.ordinarycourage.com.ForaGiftsofImperfectionreadingguideandalistofbookrecommendations,pleasevisitherWebsite.

Hazelden,anationalnonprofitorganizationfoundedin1949,helpspeoplereclaimtheirlivesfromthe disease of addiction. Built on decades of knowledge and experience, Hazelden offers acomprehensiveapproachtoaddictionthataddressesthefullrangeofpatient,family,andprofessionalneeds,includingtreatmentandcontinuingcareforyouthandadults,research,higherlearning,publiceducationandadvocacy,andpublishing.A life of recovery is lived “one day at a time.” Hazelden publications, both educational andinspirational, support and strengthen lifelong recovery. In 1954, Hazelden published Twenty-FourHoursaDay, the first dailymeditationbook for recovering alcoholics, andHazelden continues topublish works to inspire and guide individuals in treatment and recovery, and their loved ones.Professionals who work to prevent and treat addiction also turn to Hazelden for evidence-basedcurricula, informational materials, and videos for use in schools, treatment programs, andcorrectionalprograms.Throughpublishedworks,Hazeldenextendsthereachofhope,encouragement,help,andsupport

toindividuals,families,andcommunitiesaffectedbyaddictionandrelatedissues.

ForquestionsaboutHazeldenpublications,pleasecall800-328-9000orvisitusonlineathazelden.org/bookstore.

TableofContentsCoverPageHalfTitlePageTitlePageCopyrightDedicationContentsPrefaceAcknowledgmentsIntroduction:WholeheartedLivingCourage,Compassion,andConnection:TheGiftsofImperfectionExploringthePowerofLove,Belonging,andBeingEnoughTheThingsThatGetintheWayGuidepost#1-CultivatingAuthenticity:LettingGoofWhatPeopleThinkGuidepost#2-CultivatingSelf-Compassion:LettingGoofPerfectionismGuidepost#3-CultivatingaResilientSpirit:LettingGoofNumbingandPowerlessnessGuidepost#4-CultivatingGratitudeandJoy:LettingGoofScarcityandFearoftheDarkGuidepost#5-CultivatingIntuitionandTrustingFaith:LettingGooftheNeedforCertaintyGuidepost#6-CultivatingCreativity:LettingGoofComparisonGuidepost #7 - Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and

ProductivityasSelf-WorthGuidepost#8-CultivatingCalmandStillness:LettingGoofAnxietyasaLifestyleGuidepost#9-CultivatingMeaningfulWork:LettingGoofSelf-Doubtand“SupposedTo”Guidepost#10-CultivatingLaughter,Song,andDance:LettingGoofBeingCooland“Always in

Control”FinalThoughtsAbouttheResearchProcess:ForThrill-SeekersandMethodologyJunkiesNotesAbouttheAuthor