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An Evening With Mr. Johnson Straight Version

© Michael Matteo Cover art by Original Works Publishing

Trade Edition, 2014 ISBN 978-1-63092-059-3

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Also Available By Michael Matteo

An Evening With Mr. Johnson: It’s Even Harder Being A Gay Dick

3 Males

Ed wants his lover Morgan back. He believes they are

soul mates. Unfortunately, he had an affair with Mor-

gan’s cousin at the Christmas party because he just can’t

say no to his demanding, insatiable, extremely opinion-

ated Penis. When Morgan shows up to get closure, Ed

finds himself sandwiched between the man he truly loves,

and the organ who, up till now, has run the show. An out-

rageous comedy about fidelity that answers the age old

question: How can a tool that makes up 1/12 of a man’s

body control 100% of his life?

3

An Evening With Mr. Johnson:

It’s Hard Being A Dick (Straight Version)

By Michael A. Matteo

4

The straight version of An Evening With Mr. Johnson pre-miered at the James McCabe Theater of Valrico, Florida in May 2010. The stage manager was Barbara Natale. It was directed by the author. The cast was as follows:

ED - Vinnie Natale

PENIS - Greg Summerall

DONNA - Nicole Skelly

(Bridget Stahl portrayed Donna in the final performance.)

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Cast of Characters Ed: A man in his mid thirties Penis/Ed's Mother: An adult sized penis/Ed's Mother is the Penis dressed in drag. Donna: Ed's ex-fiancee. Virginia: An Offstage Voice at the end of the play. Scenes ACT I

SCENE 1: The stage before the play begins

SCENE 2: Ed’s Apartment on New Year's Eve.

ACT II

SCENE 1: Ed’s apartment, a few seconds after midnight.

SCENE 2: Ed’s apartment, the following morning.

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AN EVENING WITH MR. JOHNSON

ACT 1

SCENE 1: THE STAGE PRIOR TO THE PERFORMANCE BEGINNING

(The Actor who portrays the Penis walks out onto the stage.) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: Welcome to An

Evening with Mr. Johnson. I will be your penis for this evening’s performance. Before beginning our play, I’d like to thank our sponsors: Little Willie’s Sausage Factory and Sensual Touch Pork Products. At this time, I’d like to ask you to please silence your cell phones, pagers and anything else near or around you that could make noise, like wives, girlfriends or mothers in law. And please, no flash photography… it hurts my eye. Sit back and enjoy the show.

(The Actor starts to exit and then stops and turns back to-wards the audience.) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: Before beginning

the show, I have a few things on my mind that I'd like to share with you. Our play tonight is about the most significant and enduring relationship in a man's life: the relationship between a man and his penis. To pre-pare for this role, I have gone to great lengths to un-derstand, perfect and transform myself into what I be-lieve will be a penis that will satisfy each of you for the next two hours.

(He winks at a woman in the audience)

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ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: When was the last

time a man made a promise like that and kept it? As an actor, I've played Hamlet, Macbeth and the Mother Superior in the Sound of Music… hey, I needed the money and I happen to look extremely good in black. They were difficult but nothing has been as hard for me as the penis!

(He does a double take.) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: How does one

even begin to understand the emotional makeup of Mr. Johnson? First, I began by studying my own three-piece set. I spent hours alone... in a dark room... in-vestigating, examining and intimately understanding my own hardware. Then, I began to think about other men's penises. Were they like mine? Do they feel what I feel when aroused? What was their relationship with their genitalia like? Do they talk to it, encourage and comfort it? I became obsessed. I even named my penis:

(He clears his throat and grandly announces the name) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: Sir Richard, Lord

of The Wetlands. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think? I spent countless hours at the library, on the internet and in men's rooms... Doing research! So I could offer you a penis that you'd tell your friends about on your coffee break at work tomorrow.

(He removes a parchment from his pocket. The parchment is rolled up as a scroll. He unrolls it. Each end of the parchment is made up of long dildos.) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: My scrolldum.

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(He reads what is on the parchment.) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: A man's penis size

peaks at the age of 17, after that it's all downhill. The average length is just under 6 inches.

(He looks up from the scroll and speaks to the men in the audience.) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: There will be rul-

ers in the rest-rooms if anyone feels the urge to meas-ure themselves at intermission.

(He continues reading from the scroll.) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: The longest offi-

cially documented penis was recorded at 13.5 inches by Dr. Robert L. DICKinson and no, I didn't make that up. The largest mammal penis is that of the blue whale which is 16 feet long. It has the capacity of ejaculating as much as 5 gallons of semen in one mat-ing session.

(He holds up his hand and mouths the word, “five” and then lightly applauds.) ACTOR PORTRAYING THE PENIS: That explains why

my ex hated swallowing sea-water. I do hope my little monologue has enlightened you and you will develop a unique appreciation for this very special, and some-times extremely schizophrenic organ. Enjoy the show.

(He exits.)

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SCENE 2: ED’S APARTMENT (The stage is dark as Donna, Ed's ex fiancée, is heard chastising Ed. Even though she is angry, her voice re-mains calm.) DONNA (O.S.): I can't believe you've betrayed me like

this... and on Christmas Eve in front of my entire fam-ily. I thought your past was behind you and you were ready to be an adult. Here is your ring…

(Lights brighten as we see Ed’s living room. There is a couch, chair, end table and small bookcase. There is also some phallic looking knick knack or lamp positioned on a table in the background. The couch faces the audience. Ed, dressed in an old sweat suit, is seated on the couch dialing his cell phone. There is a framed photograph of Donna on the coffee table. There is also a cutting board with cheese on it on the table.) ED: Donna, it's me. I'm really sorry about what happened

last week. I don't know what came over me. I... I just wanted to let you know that you were on my mind.

(He picks up the framed photograph of Donna, looks at it and talks to it.) ED: I've been doing a lot of thinking and I wanted you to

know that if I could do things over, I would in a heart-beat... I hope you have a great New Year and you can start the year out by knowing how much you mean to me. I love you. Happy New Year.

(He pauses for a moment before hanging up his cell phone. He puts the framed photograph on the end table as the phone rings.)

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ED: Hello... Hello! (Disappointed.) ED: Oh..., Hi Ma... I'm Ok, no..., I'm staying home to-

night... Yeah, by myself. I know it's New Year's Eve... I called her, she's not home or if she is, she's not taking my calls... Yeah, ma, I know, I screwed up big time. Thanks for reminding me. No, it didn't have anything to do with letting me watch Dynasty when I was a kid... I'm not blaming you, this was all on me, Ok? Ma, I really don't want to talk about it.

(Pause) ED: No, I don't want to come over. Playing pinochle

with dad and kissing Aunt Rose at midnight really isn't my idea of a Happy New Year... Ok, if I change my mind, I will... bye.

(He hangs up the phone and stares off into space.) ED: A great end to the worst year of my life. I'm all

alone, getting sympathy from my mother and my only option to start the New Year is to go over there and have my eighty-year-old aunt with dementia slip me the tongue at midnight.

(He shudders, takes another sip of his drink and speaks to the photograph of Donna.) ED: I wish I was kissing you tonight at midnight, honey.

Last New Year's eve was so great. You cooked me dinner, we kissed at midnight... You were a one of a kind and I blew it. Oh, I really blew it. For what? A few minutes of pleasure with your cousin Linda. I don't even know why I did it. One minute you and I

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are planning our wedding and the next I'm having sex with your second cousin in the spare bedroom at your parent's family Christmas party ...on top of everyone's coats... What was I thinking?

I'll never forget that look on your grandmother's face. I don't know if she was more upset by what she saw or the fact that we made a mess on her favorite fur coat? Why? Why did I do it?

(He thinks for a moment and looks down at his crotch area.) ED: You... You did this to me! (He opens his sweat pants and starts yelling into his pants.) ED: Come to think of it, everything in my life that has

ever gone wrong for me with women has always been your fault. Evil, egotistical organ! Selfish, demand-ing, rotten organ! Why? I just want to know why?

(The Penis dances out onto the stage singing.) (PRODUCTION NOTE: The Penis Character can be dressed in a variety of wardrobes including: Normally with a pointed happy New Year Hat, as a pimp or dressed all in white with a pith helmet or construction worker hat etc. (director's discretion) PENIS: Another New Year's Eve and I ain't got no-bah-

dee... (Ed closes his pants, turns around and stares at the Pe-nis.)

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PENIS: Evil, selfish, egotistical, organ? Being a bit melodramatic, aren't we?

ED: My life has turned to shit and it's all your fault! PENIS: My fault? ED: I never realized it until a few minutes ago but my

entire life has been devoted to pleasing you and it has ruined every chance I have at being happy with a woman. You have a hold on me!

PENIS: That's funny coming from a guy who’s been

wrapping his hands around me two and three times a day since we were ten.

(The Penis pours himself a drink.) ED: You've screwed up every relationship I've ever had!

Remember Sheila? PENIS: Sheila? (The Penis puts the drink down, takes out a notebook from his pocket and flips through the pages of it.) PENIS: Sheila, Sheila... Oh yeah, now I remember, the

violinist, best hand job we ever got. (The Penis makes a masturbation-like rapid violin strok-ing gesture.) PENIS: Gave a whole new meaning to fiddling with your

penis... ED: Then why did you make me cheat on her with Mal-

lory?

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(The Penis turns the page of the book.) PENIS: M's. Mallory, Mallory... Aaah, Mallory and that

magic esophagus? She had a throat like a super charged dust-buster. Isn't she the one who used to high five you after sex?

ED: And we dumped Mallory for Chloris. PENIS: Chloris and her magic clit-toris. She almost

drowned me! (Ed grabs the book out of the Penis’s hand and tosses it on the couch.) ED: There is just no satisfying you! PENIS: I've been satisfied... Many times. Just ask

Sheila, Mallory, or Chloris... It just wears off... quickly.

(Ed picks up the picture frame of Donna.) ED: You see this? (The Penis cringes as he sees the photograph.) ED: I had, I repeat, HAD a wonderful woman in my life

who adored me but that wasn't good enough for you so you sabotaged our relationship.

PENIS: C'mon, you and I both know that the best thing

about Donna was her second cousin, Linn-Duh. (The Penis places the framed photo of Donna face down.)

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ED: I've had it with you running and ruining my life. (Ed picks up a knife from the tray of cheese and glares at the Penis.) ED: I'm cutting you off! (The frightened Penis backs away from him. Ed walks towards him, brandishing the knife and stabs a hunk of cheese that is sitting on the plate.) ED: From women! (The relieved Penis wipes his brow and sits down on the couch as Ed paces around the apartment. Ed places the framed photograph of Donna face up.) ED: You've had things your way for too long. I'm going

to make big changes in my life and you aren't in-cluded.

PENIS: Really? And what are these monumental changes

that you intend to make? You gonna learn to pee sit-ting down?

(Ed ignores the Penis, sits on the other side of the couch and stares at the framed photograph of Donna.) ED: Oh my God, what have I done? I have to find a way

to get her back. (The Penis gets up, walks over to Ed, pulls him up off the couch, slaps him in the face and speaks to him in a conde-scending tone of voice.) PENIS: I hate to burst your bubble...

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(He shouts into Ed's ear.) PENIS: ...but Donna was the worst lay we ever had. ED: Are you kidding? She would have done anything for

me. She's successful, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and considerate.

(Ed pushes the Penis away from himself and walks to the other side of the room. The Penis places the framed photo of Donna face down again.) ED: She'd have stepped in front of a bus for me. PENIS: So would Mother Teresa but I don't think she got

much action, either. ED: Donna was just fine in bed. PENIS: Come on, you're talking to me, your personal ex-

citement meter. It took everything I had to "rise" to the occasion for Donna.

ED: She happens to be a very successful psychologist. PENIS: Then let her mind fuck you because what she

does with her body couldn't turn on a horny high school kid who eats Viagra like tic tacs. And that voice... uuggh!

ED: What's wrong with her voice? PENIS: It's clinical. ED: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

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PENIS: A woman's voice is a big part of what sets the mood in the bedroom. How many guys want to do it with a woman who sounds like Marge Simpson?

ED: She doesn't sound like Marge Simpson. (The Penis imitates Marge Simpson’s voice.) PENIS: No, she's worse… (He reverts back to his own voice.) PENIS: I never knew if we were going to get laid or diag-

nosed. (He imitates Donna's tone.) PENIS: Now Ed, we have several things we can do to

treat your hard-on and make it go down, none of them involve me of course. Please pay your co-pay to my receptionist and I'll see you next week for another ses-sion of how to enjoy being sexually frustrated and car-ing for your blue balls...

ED: She doesn't sound like that. PENIS: She's a shrink and that describes the exact impact

she had on me. ED: What are you talking about? (Ed picks up the framed photograph of Donna and places it upright on the table.) ED: She happens to be a very beautiful woman.

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PENIS: Alright, I'll admit she's attractive, but she's Meg Ryan attractive.

ED: What does Meg Ryan have to do with Donna? PENIS: For a woman to be the "object of my erection"

she has to be spontaneous, wild and most importantly, slutty. Donna's idea of being tied up involves getting stuck in traffic!

ED: I don't care what you think, Donna did... DOES ex-

cite me. I know what I felt when we were together. PENIS: Oh shit, Here it comes? (Ed turns back towards the Penis.) ED: Here what comes? PENIS: The never ending rationalizations. Every break

up it's the same shit with you. (He imitates Ed.) PENIS: Oh, she was so great... Oh, she made me so

happy... Oh, we could have grown old together... Blah, blah blah, blah blah!

ED: What's wrong with wanting to grow old with one

partner? PENIS: It's not realistic. The reality is that once people

see each other naked a few times the fascination wears off and we're on the prowl looking for our next ex, for sex.

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ED: I refuse to believe that. (The Penis walks over to the book case and picks up a DVD of V for Vendetta that is sitting on top of it.) PENIS: V-for Vendetta, your favorite movie, right? ED: Yeah. PENIS: How many times have you seen it? ED: I don't know, twenty or thirty. PENIS: You saw it at a special midnight showing at the

movies the night before it was going to come out, right?

ED: What has V-for Vendetta got to do with you prevent-

ing me from settling down with one good woman? PENIS: Women are just like your favorite movies, Ed,

the first time it's all exciting and you can't wait get to the "climax."

(Ed attempts to interject comments but cannot get a word in as the Penis continues his rant.) PENIS: You enjoy it for a few more times but every time

you pop it in... (The Penis makes an in and out gesture with the video box.) PENIS: You know what's gonna happen and how it's

gonna end.

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ED: Yeah, but... PENIS: Having sex with the same woman for years and

years is like watching your favorite movie shown on a black and white TV,

ED: I don't... PENIS: ...on a four inch screen with bad reception, in

Spanish and commercial interruptions every eleven seconds. WHY EVEN BOTHER TO TURN IT ON?

ED: I'm sorry if my idea of happiness is a little bit deeper

than building tension followed by throwing up. PENIS: Don't knock it till you tried it. (The Penis places the movie back where he found it, walks over to the framed photo of Donna and places it face down. Ed sits on the couch.) PENIS: You think your way is any better? You get tense

and all it does is raise your blood pressure and makes you do stupid things. It works the opposite with me. The greater the tension the better I perform.

ED: You know Donna and I never had an argument? (The Penis throws his hands up in disgust.) ED: Even when she caught me screwing her cousin, ...she

didn’t even raise her voice when she gave me back the ring…

PENIS: That's because she has about as much passion as

a spoon. You ever fuck a spoon, Ed?

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ED: Right now the only thing that means anything to me

is getting Donna back in my life. (The Penis sits down in the chair.) PENIS: C'mon, I know for a fact that you've been more

excited in confession with Father O'Boyle than you were in bed with Donna.

ED: Bullshit. PENIS: I know, that was a pricky thing to say... But con-

sider the source. (There is a pause between them as Ed thinks for a mo-ment.) ED: OK, for arguments sake, what if I wasn't that turned

on by her sexually? There is more to a relationship than sex. She turned me on emotionally... mentally... spiritually.

PENIS: There isn't anything else if a woman doesn't turn

me on. You want to be turned on emotionally rent The Notebook. You want to be turned on mentally do the New York Times crossword puzzle. And if you want spirituality make a pilgrimage to the Vatican!

(Ed throws his hands up in frustration and walks away from the Penis.) ED: This is ridiculous. (Ed pours himself a drink.) PENIS: Like it or not our relationship is based upon a set

of rules that were established long before you were the end result of your father mounting your mother.

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(Ed, in the middle of taking a drink, chokes and spits his drink out all over the floor.) ED: I'd really appreciate it if you would keep those kinds

of visuals out of our discussion. (The Penis picks up a pad of paper and pen and hands it to Ed who just stands there.) PENIS: You aren't too bright, maybe you should take

notes. I'll "dictate." ED: Why not? You've been "DICK-tating" to me for my

whole life. PENIS: And from past experiences I know you're good at

shorthand. (The Penis places his hand on Ed's shoulder and pushes downward forcing Ed to sit down on the couch. The Penis turns his back on Ed and walks to the other side of the room. Ed sees the framed photograph of Donna face down and puts it face-up.) PENIS: Rule number one: I want what I want when I

want it. ED: Ever hear of patience? PENIS: Patience isn't in my vocabulary. You want a pa-

tient organ, talk to the colon, or the bowels. Although, make them wait too long and they can get irritable. Rule number two: The three H's rule all male behav-ior.

ED: What three H's?

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PENIS: The three parts of every man that has guided

men's decisions since the beginning of time. The head, the heart...

(The Penis touches Ed’s heart, followed by his head and then points to himself when he says, "hard-on.") PENIS: ... and Hard-on. (Ed takes notes and repeats them to himself. The Penis continues pacing.) ED: Head, heart, hard-on. PENIS: Each of us is dependent upon the same thing.

Blood flow. ED: ... blood flow. PENIS: It's a known fact that a man can't think when he

has a hard-on or is watching a game on TV? (Ed starts to write, realizes what he is writing and stops to argue with the Penis.) ED: That's crazy. A boner isn't a lobotomy! PENIS: No? ED: No. PENIS: Many men have been taken down by their carnal

urges. ED: Like who? PENIS: Bill Clinton.

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ED: Clinton wasn't taken down? PENIS: That's right, Monica didn't inhale... She may not

be your type but word has it that she could suck a bowling ball through a drinking straw.

(The Penis holds out his arms like he is a scale that is weighing the two things that first appear to have equal weight.) PENIS: Hmm, presidency of the United States versus a

blow job? A no brainer, right? (Ed shrugs his shoulders.) PENIS: WRONG! The little head always wins. (The Penis drops one arm to show that the scales tip in favor of sex.) PENIS: And what about Henry VIII? ED: What about him? PENIS: The man started a whole new religion just to sat-

isfy his dick! ED: Well, that may be true for some men but having a

hard-on doesn't impact my way of thinking at all. PENIS: Really? ED: Yes, really. (The Penis looks around the room.)

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ED: Now what are you doing? (The Penis finds an adult magazine that is wrapped in brown paper.) PENIS: Still wrapping them in brown paper so "mommy"

doesn't know what they are? ED: The woman comes here to clean, she already has an

issue with me being thirty-five and never married, I don't need her giving me anymore shit about anything else I do.

(He thumbs through it and holds it up for Ed to see.) PENIS: Perfect. (The Penis opens up to the centerfold. Ed looks at it and then looks away as if he isn't interested.) PENIS: Sexy, isn't she? ED: She's ok. (The Penis wraps his arms around Ed’s shoulders and squeezes him as if his arms are the legs of a woman wrapped around Ed’s body during sex.) PENIS: C'mon, couldn't you imagine those legs wrapped

around you, pumping, humping... ED: I know what you're trying to do and it won't work. (The Penis pops his head up and down as he says, "in and out," "in and out.")

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PENIS: Having you go in and out, in and out as she moans in ecstasy.

ED: Stop that. PENIS: Oh that blood flow is really starting to head

south. Houston we have liftoff. (Ed loses control, closes his eyes and begins to fantasize.) PENIS: Nice, huh? ED: Oh yeah. Mmmm, great. (Ed and the Penis stand next to each other, clasping hands and throwing their heads back simultaneously. The Penis opens his eyes, turns his head and whispers in Ed’s ear. Ed’s eyes remain closed.) PENIS: Ed? ED: Yeah? PENIS: How much is one plus one? ED: Huh? (The Penis takes the magazine and slaps Ed in the head with it. Ed opens his stands there looking bewildered.) ED: Ouch! What the hell just happened? PENIS: If you were to monitor brainwaves for a well-

endowed guy with a hard-on he'd have the mental ca-pacity of a tombstone.

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(Ed sits down, resumes taking notes and the Penis contin-ues to lecture him.) PENIS: And this leads to the main reason why I always

get my way? (The Penis looks over Ed’s shoulder.) PENIS: There is a dash between hard and on. (The Penis continues pacing around the room.) PENIS: Because the head on your shoulders thinks about

things logically. (The Penis speaks in a deep masculine voice.) PENIS: "Is she really interested in me or is this part of a

game? Does she want my money? What does she bring to the table and what is the logic of this relation-ship?" And the heart reacts emotionally.

(The Penis speaks in a high effeminate voice.) PENIS: Does she feel about me the way I feel about her?

Could she be my soul mate? Is this true love?" (The Penis reverts back to his natural voice.) PENIS: And that's where I come in. I have to play refe-

ree. (The Penis removes a whistle from his pocket and blows it. Ed is startled and drops the pad and pen.)

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PENIS: While your head and heart are deadlocked argu-ing with each other over stupid shit, I step in and make the decision. Do I really care if she is trying to use you for your money? …FUCK NO! Do I really give a damn if it's true "love?" Yeah, right.

(The Penis mimics Jack Sparrow's voice.) PENIS: Captain Jack Spermo's motto is, "Get me in get

me out and get me another one ASAP." ED: That might work for the short term but what about

long term? PENIS: What part of this aren't you getting, THERE IS

NO LONG TERM! I'm an organ with A-D-D. (The Penis walks around the couch speaking quickly and acting hyper.) PENIS: It's hard for me to stay in one place for very long

because I get bored quickly. I'm hard for a short dura-tion, I pee in under a minute, spend most of the day hanging out until you need me to do what I do best and then I'm in, I'm out in under twenty minutes.

ED: Well, I want something long term. (The Penis stops moving and looks right into Ed’s eyes.) PENIS: Then get herpes! (Ed gets up and walks to the other side of the room. The Penis sits on the couch and places the framed photograph of Donna face down.)

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ED: Why are you so unfeeling? PENIS: If you don't like what I've become it's your fault. ED: How the hell is it my fault? PENIS: The first few years that we were together I had

one job to perform for you, bladder management. (The Penis gets up and pours himself a drink.) PENIS: After mastering that I started pulling double duty

in puberty and I've been promoted to director of rec-reation and procreation. And those years were a major bitch.

ED: Why? PENIS: Don't you remember? ED: Remember what? PENIS: The abuse. ED: I was never abused. PENIS: No, I was, by you! I was happy being your waste

manager. Then suddenly you discovered a whole other position for me, literally... It was like a new kid moved in on your block and you wanted to play with him all day and night.

(He imitates a child's voice.) PENIS: Can little Dicky come out and play with me?

The pulling, tugging, rubbing all hours of the day and

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night. It's amazing I didn't fall off. I realized then why they called it jerking off because there were mo-ments when I thought I'd detach. You and your little of Oz fetish.

ED: Wizard of Oz fetish? PENIS: Don't you remember when you were ten, watch-

ing the Wizard of Oz, under your covers? Lions and tigers and bears, oh my...

(The Penis begins jerking himself up and down to the rhythm of "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my.” He in-creases the speed of his movement as he repeats each line.) PENIS: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my... (Moving faster.) PENIS: Lions and tigers and bears, OH MY... (Faster and shouting.) PENIS: LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS, OH MY...

GOD, I'M CUMMING! ED: I was just a kid who had the hots for Dorothy... PENIS: Yeah, the worst kind, a horny little Italian, sexu-

ally repressed, Catholic school kid! You know how many nights I hung there thinking, "If I see that hand coming at me again I'm gonna lose my shit?" If you pet your dog as much as you stroked me the fucking thing would've gone bald. …I swear if I had teeth I'd have bit you.

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ED: I never knew you felt that way. PENIS: You knew exactly how I felt and you liked feel-

ing me every chance you got! (Ed moves away from the Penis who, at first stands there, and then follows Ed.) PENIS: And it was also during this time that you and

your little friends discovered a brand new game: Let's punch each other in the testicles. So not only am I try-ing to master this new job and worried about being worn down to the bone by your left hand. I'm also liv-ing in fear of my life that some little kid is going to get a clear shot and put me on permanent disability. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PEOPLE THINK-ING?

ED: We didn't know any better. The only time anyone

every talked to us about sex was Father O'Boyle who spoke to my eighth grade class.

PENIS: Yeah, I remember. (The lights fade down and there is a spotlight on The Pe-nis as he imitates Father O'Boyle's voice.) PENIS: Do you know that sexual intercourse in any form,

outside of marriage, without the intent of bringing new Catholics into the world is sinful? Yes, SINFUL! And it is not just having sexual intercourse with a woman that is sinful. It is a sin to touch yourself. It is a sin to even think of touching yourself! It is a sin to touch yourself while thinking of having intercourse with a woman.

Masturbation is evil. Every time you masturbate you are murdering hundreds of thousands of potential Catholics.

31

(The lights fade up. The Penis takes another sip of his drink and speaks in his own voice.) PENIS: If half the shit they told you in Catholic school

about jerking off were true you'd be blind; brain dam-aged with hairy palms and could squash a tank with your masturbation hand. …And then finally, the mira-cle happened. Your first lay. Sixteen years, four months, nine days, eleven minutes and forty-one sec-onds into your life.

ED: Marie Costello. PENIS: Yes, Marie Costello, also a virgin. Talk about

awkward. Took you ten minutes just to find the right hole.

ED: And within a minute and a half of penetration it was

over. I was a man. (Ed stands there proudly remembering the moment that he lost his virginity. The Penis looks at him as if he is crazy.) PENIS: Yeah, right. Like you had anything to do with it.

I was the one doing all the work. While you were ly-ing there like the little pecker that wanted to..., "I think I can, I think I can..."

ED: What was the first time like for you? PENIS: I wasn't in there very long, however, unlike with

your hand there were no calluses. It was very differ-ent: smooth, moist, dark and very comfortable... I re-member thinking, “Hmm, I could get used to this.”

(There is a knock on the door. Ed and the Penis look at each other.)

32

ED: Maybe it's Donna? How do I look? PENIS: I can't take anymore of this shit, I'm gonna go

hang out. (The Penis exits.) ED: Be right there. (Ed almost falls over while changing his pants, puts on a shirt and runs around tidying up the apartment. He places the photo of Donna face up, again. There is an-other knock.) ED: I'm coming. (He fixes himself one final time and, with great enthusi-asm, opens the door. The actor playing the Penis is dressed as Ed’s mother. He wears a wig, heels, glasses and is dressed in a housecoat. Ed is completely deflated at the sight of his mother and not Donna.) ED: Ma, what are you doing here? I told you I... ED'S MOTHER: What, I'm not allowed to visit my son? (She pushes her way into the house and hands him a plate of food.) ED'S MOTHER: Here, I made some beef stew for dinner. ED: I'm not hungry. ED'S MOTHER: You need to eat. ED: I'll eat it tomorrow for breakfast.

33

ED'S MOTHER: Who eats beef stew for breakfast? (Ed puts the plate on the end table. She touches the furni-ture, finds dust and shakes her head in a disapproving manner.) ED: What’s wrong now? ED'S MOTHER: A messy house indicates a messy life. ED: Ma, please don't start. I have a lot more on my mind

than to worry about how much dust there is in my apartment.

ED'S MOTHER: There is always time to clean. ED: I told you I really wanted to be by myself tonight. ED'S MOTHER: Why don't you come next door and

bring in the new year with me, Aunt Rose and daddy? This could be Aunt Rose's last New Year's Eve with us.

(To himself) ED: My taste buds will be relieved. ED'S MOTHER: Father O'Boyle is coming over too,

maybe you could talk to him about your problem. (She walks over to the couch and sees the magazine that is wrapped in the brown wrapper and looks through it and has a look of disgust on her face.) ED: I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened,

least of all our parish priest.

34

(She drops the magazine.) ED'S MOTHER: Well, you need to talk to someone,

you’re not normal! ED: Thanks ma, I love you too. ED'S MOTHER: What in the world were you thinking...

having sex with Donna's cousin at her parents’ house on Christmas Eve no less? Good thing your father and I were at Joey's or we'd have both had heart attacks and dropped dead right next to the Christmas tree.

(Her walk is exaggerated as she moves towards him.) ED'S MOTHER: Is that what you would have wanted to

kill your parents on Christmas Eve? (Ed, smiling and staring off into space, doesn't respond right away. She looks at him.) ED: Uh, no, of course not. ED'S MOTHER: Why couldn't you be more like your

brother, Joey? There is no dust at Joey's house. ED: That's nice, ma. (Ed sits down and puts his head in his lap as she contin-ues.) ED'S MOTHER: He's got a good job, been married for 12

years, 2 kids and doesn't drag his wife's relatives into unoccupied bedrooms for sex in between courses of holiday meals!

35

ED: You know ma, it's really tempting but I think I'm gonna pass on that invitation to come over tonight.

(Ed puts his arm around her and attempts to usher her in the direction of the front door.) ED: I've really enjoyed this and we should do it again,

real soon... Let's plan on next New Year's Eve. ED'S MOTHER: Fine, you want to be alone, be alone.

You keep going this way and you'll be alone for the rest of your life.

(Short Pause.) ED’S MOTHER: You want to die alone? ED: Most people are unconscious when they die, so does

it really matter if I'm alone when that happens? ED'S MOTHER: I give up. ED: Oh, if that were only true. ED’S MOTHER: Has Donna called you back yet? ED: No. ED'S MOTHER: Well, if she does you should get down

on your hands and knees and beg her to come back. (Ed opens the front door and gently shoves her out the door.) ED: Happy New Year, ma... G'night... Tell Father

O'Boyle to give Aunt Rose a nice big kiss at midnight for me, ok?

36

(She leaves and he closes the door. His cell phone rings and he runs over to answer it.) ED: Hello... Who? …I'm sorry, No, I'm not interested in

furthering my education... This really isn't a good time... No, there isn't a better time to call unless you can tell me how I can get my penis to stop running my life, convince my fiancée that it wasn't my choice to fuck her cousin at her family Christmas party, explain to the parish priest that his sex talks when I was a teenager warped me for life and get my mother to stop breaking my balls about me being thirty-five and not being married...! Hello, hello?

(He hangs up the phone.) ED: Why can't everyone just leave me alone? (The Penis enters the room.) ED: Especially you. PENIS: What'd I do? ED: You're the reason I'm in this mess. PENIS: Someday you’ll thank me. ED: Yeah, right. Has there ever been a time when you

and I were on the same page? PENIS: Glad you asked. (The Penis guides Ed over to the couch and they sit down together.) PENIS: Remember college, the drunken frat parties.

37

ED: I don't even remember half the women we slept with. PENIS: And you didn't care, it was beautiful. There was

no thought of growing old with them, it was all about living in the moment. Those were golden days for us. We were a team!

ED: Some golden days, I had my tires slashed four times,

my car keyed twice and had to get restraining orders against three different women. I lost count of how many women said they hated my guts and wished me everything from social diseases to painful death.

PENIS: Who keeps in touch with people from college? ED: That's not the point. PENIS: No, the point is we were a team and you gave it

all up for what? To find true love? ED: Why must you always go there? I loved Gigi and

thought we were going to be together forever. PENIS: So you married her and, big surprise, it crashed

and burned. ED: I thought Gigi was the one. PENIS: She was...... the one who put our nuts in a nut-

cracker and squeezed, HARD! The best screwing she ever gave you was in divorce court.

ED: What do you want from me? To just jump from bed

to bed for the rest of my life just to keep you happy?

38

PENIS: Not the rest of your life. A penis has a limited sexual shelf life. You're thirty-five, soon to be thirty-six.

ED: Thanks for reminding me. (Ed gets up and walks to the other side of the room to pour himself a drink. The Penis gets up and follows him.) PENIS: Are you as horny now as you were when you

were seventeen? ED: No man is as horny at thirty-five as he was at seven-

teen. PENIS: And you think you'll be as horny at forty-five as

you are now? ED: No. PENIS: Take my word for it, as you get older it will get

harder to get harder. And do you know why? ED: Blood flow? (The Penis looks around the room as if he is about to di-vulge the meaning of life.) PENIS: Because Mother Nature is actually a lesbian who

hates all men! (The Penis backs up as if he is fearful of being struck by lightning.) PENIS: Haven't you ever wondered why men reach their

sexual prime at eighteen and women reach it at thirty-five? It's a conspiracy.

39

ED: What has this got to do with my desire for a monoga-

mous relationship? PENIS: Everything. Listen, we only have a few more

good years before I start looking like Freddie Kruegar's pinky toe and getting a boner becomes the eighth wonder of the world.

ED: Viagra can buy us some extra time. (The Penis pulls Ed by his collar.) PENIS: Do we really want an erection lasting four hours?

Every time I pee you'll have to mop the ceiling! ED: So what do you want from me? PENIS: I want you to do what is natural right here, right

now. When you have more of a chance of hitting the lottery than you do of getting an erection that's the time to settle down and be monogamous because at that point you'll have nothing to lose and pissing be-comes my main job again!

ED: I don't know, this doesn't sound right. PENIS: It’s the only thing in the universe that is right.

Do you think your parents have sex anymore? ED: I don't really want to think about my parents having

sex. PENIS: I'm not asking you to have a fantasy about them.

I'm asking you, do you think they engage in sex any-more?

ED: Who knows?

40

PENIS: Do you think your mother wakes your father up

with a blow-job in the morning? ED: I told you, I don't want to think of my mother giving

a blow job, ok? PENIS: Not with his prostate. The man gets up and pees

three times a night and still has a full load when he wakes up.

ED: Can we please leave my parents out of this? PENIS: Take my word for it, they don't. (Ed lies down on the couch and puts his hands over his head.) PENIS: And do you think they'll get a divorce? ED: No. (Ed sits up and looks at the Penis.) PENIS: And do you know why? ED: Love? PENIS: Because, no one wants to see naked old people!

Not even other naked old people. Remember when your grandmother was in the nursing home and your parents made you visit her? Remember her ninety-year-old roommate who liked to flash you?

ED: Don't remind me, it's a miracle I'm not gay. I never

knew a woman could be standing upright and her breasts could touch her knee caps.

41

PENIS: Was there any woman at the nursing home that

you wanted to have sex with? ED: I kind of liked the nurse who gave grandma sponge

baths... PENIS: I'm talking about any of the old women who

lived there. ED: No. PENIS: An old woman's vagina looks like flapping shud-

ders on a condemned building! (The Penis makes a flapping gesture with his hands.) PENIS: Thwap, thwap, thwap. ED: Well, an old man's penis isn't exactly appealing to

women either. PENIS: Exactly, it looks like an old cocktail frankfurter

that has been microwaved one too many times. Seeing two seventy-year-olds having sex is like watching Yoda and ET fuck. Sure, they’re both cute but no one wants to see either of them humping and pumping on each other...

ED: If your way is so great then why am I all alone on

New Year's Eve? PENIS: Whose fault is that? Why don't you go out and

find a woman whom you can bring the New Year in with a bang?

42

ED: Because I'm hurting over what happened with Donna. In case you haven't figured it out, I LOVE HER! And I knew after our very first phone call.

(Ed stares off into space.) PENIS: Oh God, not another flashback. (The lights fade down and a spotlight focuses on Ed who is on the telephone talking to Donna. Donna is an off-stage voice. The Penis disappears behind the couch.) DONNA (O.S.): ... so have you met many women on the

internet? ED: Uhhh... a few... DONNA (O.S.): Would that be a few dozen or perhaps a

few hundred? ED: I... uhh... DONNA (O.S.): Relax, Ed. Your internet dating fre-

quencies are none of my business. I'd just like to make sure that any man I speak to is honest with me.

ED: I understand and couldn't agree with you more. How

about you, what made you try internet dating? DONNA (O.S.): My cousin, Linda, has been doing it for

awhile and she's met some nice guys. ED: That's great. DONNA (O.S.): Too bad she isn't attracted to "nice"

guys.

43

ED: Really? What kind of guys does she like? DONNA (O.S.): Linda likes bad boys and if she finds a

nice guy she does her best to turn him into a bad boy. (The lights fade up. Ed is alone seated on the couch.) ED: We talked about everything that night. Our hopes,

dreams and goals for the future… I've never spoken to a woman for three hours on the telephone and en-joyed it the way I did with Donna.

(The phone rings and Ed hurries to answer it.). ED: Hello. (The Penis, pops up from behind the couch. He is speak-ing on a telephone and shouts at Ed.) PENIS: Cry me a fucking river. Get over it! (The Penis hangs up the phone and walks in front of the couch.) ED: You have no clue at all about what I need. PENIS: Why do you "need" a relationship at all? ED: It's comforting to have a steady woman in my life.

Someone who is there for me, someone to make smile...

PENIS: You'd be breaking my heart if I had one. ED: Anything'd be better than you.

44

(Ed moves to the other side of the room and the Penis pur-sues him.) PENIS: Listen buddy boy, I'm the best thing that ever

happened to you but you're too stupid to understand it. Why can't you just go out, find some slut who wants to get laid, take her home, drop your load and make a sandwich? You wanna be nice, make her a sandwich too before you send her on her way. Sluts never ex-pect you to cuddle because they think like men. I love sluts! Sluts make America great.

ED: You can't grow old with a slut. PENIS: Who wants to be with an old slut? ED: That's not what I mean. I mean that I'm at a point in

my life where I don't mind the tradeoffs to be with a good woman.

PENIS: Define "good" woman. ED: I don't know, a woman who makes a man feel good

on the inside. PENIS: The inside of what? (Pause.) PENIS: …See, you don't even know the place that the

woman is touching to make you feel "good." I can tell you exactly what "good" is. "Good" ends with a wet spot in the bed and you not sleeping in it.

ED: Donna is a good woman. PENIS: I hate to do this but you've left me no choice.

45

(The Penis removes a list from his pocket.) ED: What's that? PENIS: My ten point checklist. I have one for every

woman we've ever been with. Some have scored as high as eight but never a perfect ten. I was hoping not to have to whip this out but you forced my hand.

(The Penis shows Ed the list. Ed reads it to himself as the Penis looks over his shoulder.) PENIS: You see all those blank spaces, she's a zero and

you get a one for just showing up! ED: Come on, no woman could do number six. (The Penis grabs the list out of Ed's hand.) PENIS: That's why no one has ever gotten a perfect score. (The Penis finds a specific page on the list and reads from it.) PENIS: Look at all the things Donna wouldn't do for you

in bed: No anal, no oral, no stamina and if you go down on her she won't even let you kiss her afterward. Sure, it's ok for you to take the train down to crotch-ville but she doesn't want any part of her own juices! What kind of shit is that?

ED: She has a few issues and rules about intimacy. PENIS: A few? The woman doesn't make any sounds or

breathes. With the lights off it's hard to tell she's alive. You into necrophilia because with Donna you're just about there?

46

ED: Stop exaggerating. PENIS: I’m not, she doesn't move, she won't go on top

and if you're doing it doggie style and get too close to her ass she closes up so fast it's like putting our balls in a paper chopper. Her handjobs last a minute and a half...

ED: She has carpal tunnel syndrome! PENIS: She's not even tight. When I'm in there I feel like

a toothpick in the middle of a toilet paper roll! I need friction, dammit!

ED: I told you, sex is only a part of a relationship. PENIS: It's the only part that matters! Take sex out of a

relationship and you know what you are? ED: What? PENIS: Your parents! ED: For the last time, leave my parents out of this! PENIS: Name one thing you enjoyed about your sexual

relationship with Donna. (As Ed struggles to come up with an answer, the Penis hums the jeopardy music.) ED: The cuddling afterwards was nice. PENIS: CUDDLING? ED: What's wrong with cuddling?

47

PENIS: The only reason a man cuddles is to buy time to

reload for round two and since there was never a round two with Donna there was no need for "cuddling."

(The Penis takes a long pause and looks at Ed.) PENIS: You know what I think? ED: You don't think, you're a dick, dicks don't think! PENIS: I know a lot of women who'd disagree with that

statement. I think you wanted to get caught banging Linda.

ED: You're delusional. PENIS: Tell me about Christmas Eve at her parents'

house. ED: I don't want to talk about it. (Ed gets up and walks to the other side of the room and attempts to ignore the Penis.) PENIS: Hmm, the minute you got to her parents’ house

you were checking out her cousin Linda. Right or wrong?

ED: I told you I'm not talking about it. PENIS: That little mini skirt, low cut blouse, and remem-

ber when she dropped that drink on her chest and you could see "nip-pull" cause she wasn't wearing a bra? Knowing she was a bad girl who liked "bad boys..."

48

(Ed places his hands over his ears and tries to drown out the Penis by singing to himself.) ED: It's a small world after all... It's a small... PENIS: You had a dirty little fantasy about her while eve-

ryone was saying Grace! You were thanking God for a Christmas goose that wasn't even on the table... Talk about having your prayers answered.

(The Penis pulls Ed's hands away from his ears. Ed pulls away from the Penis who points at Ed in an accusatory tone. They stand on opposite sides of the room.) PENIS: While everyone was opening their presents you

followed her into that room with all the coats and you rode her like Santa on his sled in a category five hurri-cane.

ED: I don't remember making the decision to go into the

coat room. PENIS: You didn't... I did! ED: You? PENIS: Remember the three H's? It was the first good

sex I've had since we started dating Donna. ED: But how could you have that kind of power over me? PENIS: Bloodflow, remember? When push comes to

shove, and I'm an expert at both..., size really doesn't matter, it's all about attitude. And I've got major atti-tude. Am I beautiful or what?

(The Penis stands there posing.)

49

ED: And you're saying these rules of yours applies to all

men? PENIS: Yep, going all the way back to Adam and Eve.

Two naked people without a care in the world are liv-ing in this perfect little garden, right? No cares, no worries.

ED: Yeah, so? PENIS: So, one night, God says, "Hey, Eve, don't eat this

apple." Being a woman she didn't like to be told what to do. So, she goes, grabs the apple off the tree and takes a bite. And to test Adam's interest in her she of-fers him a bite and he takes it.

ED: What does this have to do with me cheating on

women? PENIS: Everything, it set the tone for all male behavior. (The Penis holds his arms up again as if he is weighing Adam's decision on a scale.) PENIS: Pissing off God... Fucking Eve... (He tips one of his arms all the way down to show, visu-ally, that Adam selected fucking Eve over obeying God.) PENIS: Bill Clinton, Henry VIII and every guy who has

ever opted to please his better twelfth, over his own job security is just following Adam's lead. …We can't help it; the power of the pussy is mesmerizing.

(The Penis just stares out into the audience as if he is in a trance.)

50

ED: That's not only blasphemous but it's crazy. Adam

and Eve are biblical stories not historical events. PENIS: Ok, I'm flexible... ED: Yeah, like a broomstick. PENIS: ... you want to talk evolution, I'll go Darwin with

you. Tell me what you know about the size of an ape's cock.

ED: How would I know anything about an ape's cock? PENIS: You've been to the zoo, haven't you? ED: Yes, just what I like to do, I go hang out at the mon-

key cages and wait to get a glimpse of a monkey's schlong.

PENIS: Well, let me save you some time. The human

penis is twice the size of an ape. And the bigger the ape the smaller the penis. Gorilla's have tiny little peckers that are only around an inch and a half.

(Ed sits down on the couch.) PENIS: Which explains why King Kong liked little

women and was pissed off all the time. ED: That's all well and good but...WHAT DOES THE

SIZE OF KING KONG'S DICK HAVE TO DO WITH ME!?

PENIS: I'm trying to help you understand that our rela-

tionship isn't just about you and me. Long before you were born the role I would play in your life was estab-lished by every other guy who came before you..., lit-erally. And this is documented by science and theol-ogy.