E Pluribus Unum (Out of Many, One) - CiteSeerX

10.1177/1077800405282798Qualitative InquiryBoylorn / E Pluribus Unum

E Pluribus Unum(Out of Many, One)Robin M. BoylornUniversity of South Florida, Tampa

Written to initiate a dialogue about race in the academy, this narrative focuseson the experience of Black Ph.D. students in predominantly White academicinstitutions. Experimental in method and representation, this article posesimportant questions about race in academia. The author utilizes several quali-tative opportunities, writing as autoethnography, poetry, and narrative. As aparticipant and researcher of the experience, the author is given the uniqueposition of telling and listening, observing and explaining, strategizing andediting. The author takes your story (a construction developed to create abridge between your world and mine) and combines it with her story, (theauthor’s motivations for writing about this experience), and folds it into theirstory (compiling the findings of the research based on an interview), to createour story (a collective narrative of the Black Ph.D. experience). Hence, thetitle, “E Pluribus Unum,” which translates “out of many, one.”

Keywords: institutionalized racism; narrative; poetic ethnography;authoethnography; qualitative research; Black Ph.D. students; minority expe-rience; collective identity

A Poetic Beginning

ColorBlindMidnight falls into morningDaylight drifts into dayAnd it is thereWhere now meets eternityWhere Black fades to white

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Author’s Note: Versions of this paper were presented at the National Communication Associa-tion Conference in Chicago, Illinois in November 2004, and at the First International Congress ofQualitative Inquiry in Urbana-Champaign, Illinois in May 2005. I thank Art Bochner, CarolynEllis, and Bud Goodall for continuous feedback and guidance with this project. I also wish tothank Julie Childers and Shirlan Williams for serving as proofreaders of early drafts, and theanonymous coresearchers who shared their experiences of being one out of many.

at PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIV on May 9, 2016qix.sagepub.comDownloaded from

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Where every color under the sun touches the sunThat color is insignificantThat you can’t tell where one endsAnd the other begins

Here, thoughWhere I standWhere I sitWhere I breatheWhere I enterHere,Color is everythingIt determines worth

AccountabilityFatemeIt labels meBlackFemaleSoul-childMysteriousDark eyedBeautifulBrown skinned, girl

In the eyes of the beholderpowerlessvulnerablehelpless

In the eyes of me

“If I know my name,I know that in the academy,

like in America,the sister is caught between the rock of racism and the hard place of

sexism.”1

Merging Stories and/or Understanding Experiences

Poetry acts as an embodied translation to lived experience. More thanpoetic prose, poetic ethnography allows for the voices of the participants toaccurately represent their experience evocatively. While utilizing the sensu-

652 Qualitative Inquiry



ousness of poetry, poetic ethnography honors the voices that contribute to theproject while allowing the voice of the author to contribute to the discussionwithout disrupting it.

As the methodology of this text, poetic ethnography proves to be a usefultool for discussing controversial topics such as race because it allows theauthor and the speaker to be authentic without alienation. In a wonderfulengagement of sharing and interpretation, what follows is an exploration ofSelf and Other, as I discovered alternative ways of transcribing an interviewand an experience.

By exploring issues that Black Ph.D. students face in predominantlyWhite departments, this article presents opportunities for dialogue aboutrace. The article critiques the educational spaces of Black and White bodies,exposing the privileges of one and the disadvantages of the other, allowingfor ambiguity, ignorance, and paranoia to be matched with understanding,knowledge, and trust as it transfers from one body to the other. This articleshares the objective Duncan (2002) cites in his article on critical race theoryand method to “make visible the concrete and relational character of race”(p. 86) and to promote racial understanding and sensitivity, an objectivetargeted at resisting racism.

By sharing the stories of Black Ph.D.s collected in “poetic ethnography,”along with my own, a third experience is offered, yours, one that is chal-lenged and changed, one that combines with others to conceive ours. Thesimilarities of our motivations, vulnerabilities, and hardships allow me towrite a story that is not mine alone. As Goodall (1996) notes “the authority ofan ethnographic text is not in the details of revealing the method but insteadin the method of revealing the details” (p. 17). The authority, therefore, ofthis ethnographic journey lies in the specificity of individual accounts.

I don’t attempt here to speak on behalf of every Black Ph.D. student, but Ido endeavor to capture the minority experience for those who might other-wise remain ignorant of its isolation, silent pain, and emotional residue. Thisproject is not only about investigating the minority experience in higher edu-cation but also wants to initiate a conversation about what it feels like to walkthrough the experience.

I approached the writing of this article from multiple perspectives: myown, as a personal autoethnography (Ellis & Bochner, 2000; Ellis &Ellingson, 2000; Hayano, 1979), those of 6 participants compiled throughinteractive interviews (Ellis & Berger, 2001; Ellis, Kiesinger, & Tillmann-Healy, 1997), and finally ours, yours, mine, and theirs (Ellis & Berger, 2001),a coconstruction presented as a collective identity of Black Ph.D. students.As Ellis and Berger (2001) found in their article on reflection and representa-tion, there are benefits to acknowledging myself as a researcher and to seek

Boylorn / E Pluribus Unum 653



to “understand others by comparing [my] experiences to theirs.” Thisallowed me the opportunity to consider the usefulness, relevance, and impli-cations my perspective could have on the research.

As a participant and researcher of the experience, I am given the uniqueposition of telling and listening, observing and explaining, strategizing andediting. I take your story (a construction developed to create a bridgebetween your world and mine), and combine it with my story (my motiva-tions for writing about this experience), and fold it into their story (compilingthe findings of the research based on interviews), to create our story (a collec-tive narrative of the Black Ph.D. experience). Hence, the title, “E PluribusUnum,” which translates “out of many, one.”

Autoethnography, defined by Ellis and Ellingson (2000) as “an autobio-graphical genre of writing and research that displays multiple layers of con-sciousness as it connects the personal to the cultural” (p. 2293) is an appro-priate beginning to an ethnography that seeks to compare my perspective tothe participants and the audience. My unique position as a member of the cul-ture I am investigating gives me the rare opportunity to examine my own“people” (Hayano, 1979), as a participant and observer.

The article is approached through a lens of symbolic interaction. Symbolicinteraction is defined as “the study of how the self and the social environmentshape each other through communication” (Holstein & Gubrium, 2000;Lindlof & Taylor, 2002). The Self, here, is understood to be a member of theoutsider and/or minority community, Black Ph.D. students. Although thesocial Self is often redefined, renegotiated, and restoried (Holstein &Gubrium, 2000), the identity of Black Ph.D. students is investigated throughthe stages of initiation, when a new Self emerges to encourage acceptanceand acknowledge difference. The transition into an environment of White-ness introduces new aspects to one’s identity and self-concept that areaffected by racism, difference, and separation, socially and academically.

By using writing as a method of inquiry (Richardson, 1994), the processof compiling and understanding these perspectives motivates new responsesand operates through the use of experimental writing. With the impressionisttale categorization (Van Maanen, 1988), this story is not intended to “tellreaders what to think of an experience but to show them the experience frombeginning to end and thus draw them immediately into the story to work outits problems and puzzles as they unfold” (p. 103).




New Skin, New Eyes

You are White. Imagine you find yourself at a Black Pentecostal HolinessChurch. Eyes gaze at you as you pass the pews to find your seat. Everyonearound you is Black, the usher leading you to your seat, the preacher spyingyou suspiciously from the pulpit, the deacons greeting you with a welcomingsmile, white teeth beneath and above black lips. They seem to be genuinelyhappy to see you, but still you feel out of place, like you don’t belong, likeyou stand out. When they ask if there are any visitors, everyone immediatelyturns to you, waiting for you, expecting you to stand and introduce yourself,to tell them about yourself, where you come from, what it is like there, whatbrought you here to their sanctuary. You sit. Incapable of standing even if youwanted to, you pretend that by not moving you are somehow not seen. Yourembarrassment feels like shame and it paralyzes you.

You are a White woman. Imagine yourself in a room full of Black women.You feel outnumbered and uncomfortable. They try to make you feel wel-come, inviting you into their conversations, smiling sensitively at your dis-comfort, introducing you as if to say, “she’s White, but she’s cool. I knowher.” You don’t know if you should be flattered or offended. You can’t helpbut wonder if their words are venomous, if they are sincere, or just pretendingto like you, pretending to be your friend, to prove that they have nothingagainst White people.

You are a White man. Imagine you find yourself at a Black familyreunion. They are speaking a language you don’t understand, sharing glancesthat seem to overlook you, and discussing issues only relevant to them andtheir world. You feel powerless and vulnerable. You don’t know how to jointheir conversation, nor do you know if you want to. They couldn’t possiblyunderstand what it is like to live your raced world. You seek an escape, but theonly exits will rob you of the opportunity to be seen, to be known, to be heard.And though it seems useless, you still want the opportunity.

Imagine you are a Black female graduate student in a predominatelyWhite university.

Graduate school poses various problems and insecurities for students.The uncertainty may cut across all students, but for some it passes and forothers it magnifies. So too the nervousness. Anxiety. Pressure. Isolation.Fear. Embarrassment. Add to this, the frustration of being labeled incompe-tent, applied to some because of where they come from. Stir in the confusionof feeling out of place. Mix in the perpetuation of your ignorance to commonknowledge and your expertise about your own personal world, one that hassheltered you from the one you now live in. Take the fear of failure and multi-ply it by years of oppression and generations of impossibility. Divide it by




societal separation. Take your past, your future, and your present and mix inpride and unreasonable, unjustifiable prejudice. Now add Blackness. Addinstitutionalized racism. Add dehumanizing stereotypes. Take these thingsand live them daily, without fail. Learn to adjust to the stares of people whoquestion your being in a world that is dominated by Whiteness, or a class-room that is colored by your presence. Learn to overlook suspicion and prob-ing questions about where you come from and how you got to where you are.Learn to trust, rely on, and believe in people who are your opposites, whoseancestors were your oppressors, who don’t have the capacity to know youintricately or intimately. This may be as close as you can get to being a Blackgraduate student.

Black students have a peculiar and precarious position as they seek highereducation. Ours is an equation made up of ingredients we have faced all ourlives, ingredients that leave us vulnerable to generalizations and negativeassumptions. Black students, in and out of the classroom, are left naked todiscrimination, without the clothes of White skin. Blacks do not have the pro-tection of Whiteness (Dyer, 1997)2 but rather the stigma of slavery (Collins,2000). The stigma leaves us unprotected from the consequences of our race,consequences that are often dismissed or overlooked.

Using critical race theory as a method of investigating race in academicinstitutions, this article will help “uncover how race and racism operate in thelaw and in society” and, therefore, in public educational institutions (Parker& Lynn, 2002, p. 7), in particular graduate schools.

Researchers have commonly compared the experiences and oppressionsof Blacks with other marginalized groups (Dyer, 1997; Orbe, 1998) includ-ing women and homosexuals. Still, the oppression of Blacks carries a weightheavier than any other minority group because it insinuates inferioritybecause of race, a factor that Richard Dyer (1997) says is “never not a factor,never not in play” (p. 1). Laura Douglas (2001) speaks about how as a Whitewoman she has the benefit of not having to think about race or the subject ofracism. “A cornerstone of White privilege,” she says, “is not having to thinkabout my color and how people are going to respond to me because of it”(n.p.). She states further that “a person of color does not have this choice. Tolive and to function in this society is to be forced to think about race andracism whether one wants to or not” (n.p.).

I don’t want to. However, I must. I must acknowledge the presence andperhaps the inevitability of racism. Rashid (2003) contends

America is a racist society that emerges out of a racist cultural and historicalcontext. This is an undeniable truth . . . The dignity of African American gradu-ate and professional students is first of all assaulted by the racist cultural con-




text in which universities are embedded. As American educational institutions,American universities serve as major vehicles for the perpetuation of Ameri-can culture from one generation to the next. (pp. 90-91)

As a Black student immersed in the fluidity of ambiguity (a feeling oftranscendence, of being and feeling caught in the fluid and/or mobile experi-ence of moving from the indefinite experience of being privileged to be edu-cated and disadvantaged to be a minority), I am aware that academic achieve-ment among Blacks can be linked to the same motivating factors as Whitestudents: curiosity, determination, and a willingness to learn. There are still,however, other issues that Black students face. The common experience ofBlack students has not been well documented or investigated in academic lit-erature. Many of the problems students faced 30 years ago remain relevanttoday. Education does not have to be colored, but like most social institutions,because of the potential of racism and/or prejudice, it is.

McIntosh (1989) identifies racism as a set of interlocking oppressions thatare “active forms that we can see and embedded forms that members of thedominant group are taught not to see” (p. 10). “The institutionalization ofracism means that certain hurtful ways of acting have become more or lessroutinized, as taken-for-granted actions . . . institutionalized racism is carriedout by individuals,” not institutions (Willie, 2003, p. 62). Nevertheless, whilefacing the existence of racism and its implications on me as a Black scholar Ihave observed myself in a new environment and those around me with anethnographic and introspective gaze that allows me the opportunity to seemyself through their eyes. I invite you to see yourself through mine.

This “alternative ethnography” (Bochner, 2000) does what bell hooks(1998) calls “repositioning.” hooks cites Gayatri Spivak in The Post-Colo-nial Critic where Spivak calls for

a shift in locations, clarifying the radical possibilities that surface whenpositionality is problematized, Spivak explains that “what we are asking for isthat the hegemonic discourses, and the holders of hegemonic discourse, shoulddehegemonize their position and themselves learn how to occupy the subjectposition of the other.” (hooks, 1998, p. 53)

I invite you to embrace the positionality of Blackness, a perspective thatperhaps until now has been overlooked or ignored (Parker & Lynn, 2002). Bypersonifying the unknown, you are committing to materiality “not limited tothe texture of skin but the intertexuality of experience” (Alexander & Warren,2002, p. 329). I encourage you to “embrace a ‘multiple consciousness,’ as amethod of inquiry into social reality” (Duncan, 2002, p. 87).




As a reader, I invite you to interact with the text, sometimes stepping for-ward to experience it introspectively and sometimes stepping back toobserve it retrospectively. This article will instigate you from the role ofreader and participant, interweaving your perspectives with mine and initiat-ing a conversation about race. This “serves as a juxtaposition of the locationand positionality of our materially situated bodies,” while introducing amethod that creates a safe place for our “differing voices, experiences andworldviews to come into conversation with each other” (Alexander & War-ren, 2002, p. 329).3

Your Story: You in Black Skin

You are a member of many different cultural groups that influence who youare, what you think and feel, as well as how you communicate with others. Rec-ognizing the multiple aspects of your cultural identity promotes a deeperunderstanding of the complexities of interracial communication beyond sim-ple racial/ethnic designations. (Orbe & Harris, 2001, p. 94)

Race is not ephemeral. It transcends. Race has become metaphorical(Morrison, 1992), standing for something it is not. Poetically described met-aphor is “that which joins, that which announces connection, overlap, sharedessence, and yet retains the actual distance between whatever objects itbrings together” (Ostriker, 2000, p. 157). Metaphorically Blackness becomesa tunnel, a fortress, a womb, a place to escape to and escape from. A place thatlimits one’s reach and capacity. A place of sensitivity and vulnerability.Blackness can be experienced as a hiding place and a refuge at the same time.I invite you to see and feel what being Black is like.

You may have never considered the shackles of oppression that rest at myfeet because they are Black feet, but you may have felt relief at the agency ofbeing not Black. You have enjoyed an invisible privilege. You have never car-ried the weight or heaviness of racism, until now.

Now I invite you into this skin, this Black skin of mine, slick like oil, softlike silk, weighed down with stereotypes and generalizations. Step into theelasticity of my Blackness, my history, my potential, my limitations. Walkwith me through the experience of being different, isolated, and Black. Thereare dialectics here: you feel invisible and hyper-visible; welcome andrejected; liked and feared; brilliant and ignorant; beautiful and ugly. Youstruggle with multiple oppressions because you have to work doubly hard tomake it, to survive. You have to learn how to perform being Black in themidst of Whiteness.




You will have to learn how to negotiate your identity and respond to yourpeers from the perspective of a Black person/student and negotiate how thatsuddenly affects how you see the world and how the world sees you. You willrealize that black eyes, like Black skin, are less likely to judge. Blue, green,gray, and brown eyes seem suspicious when they look at you. Your eyes areblack, literally and metaphorically, like your skin.

Compare your experience as a Black scholar in 2004 to FrederickHarper’s experience in 1969. How much really has changed?

Harper: “Being Black means to walk across campus on your first day of class andnot see one Black student.”

You: Being Black means walking across campus on the first day and seeing a fewBlack faces, many facing the ground, watching their feet move; others avoid-ing the glance and smile of other students; others, invisible, escaping yourglare as they walk around and beside you. Other Black students are there, butyou still feel alone.

Harper: “Being Black means to have all White teachers and to be surrounded inclass by all White or nearly all White students.”

You: Many of your teachers can’t relate to issues originating in your skin color, norcan your classmates. You seem foreign and exotic to them. Your cohorts touchyour skin, your hair, watch the way you sit and speak, as if it is not what theyexpected, as if you are not “human.”

Harper: “Being Black means to open my textbooks and see pictures of White folksand to read white-washed theory, philosophy and history which are not rele-vant to me.”

You: Your story, your past, Black theory, is lost, recounted only and mostly inreminders of slavehood and poverty. You are consistently reminded of your“supposed” inferiority to Whiteness.

Harper: “Being Black means to go to a White counselor whom—I don’t trust, andwho doesn’t know how to handle my presence or problems.”

You: You don’t have a counselor but if you did, he or she would most likely beWhite. There are only two Black counselors on the campus of more than41,000 students. You find it troublesome that the racial focus of your experi-ence would be counseled by someone unfamiliar with the plight.

Harper: “Being Black is trying to get administrators to understand my needs anddo something about them . . . ”

You: You are outnumbered and, therefore, helpless by degrees to make demands.Your needs, your interests, and your lifestyle are significantly different, signifi-cantly deviant to what is considered “normal or acceptable.”

Harper: “Being Black is tolerating ‘Nigra’ or ‘Negro’ and favoring neither.”You: To your face you are just Black, sometimes African American. You struggle

to not become offended when they seem unsure of what you are, what to callyou. You wonder why it is so significant. You fear the implications of becom-ing what they call you because you understand the power in naming and some




people have not earned the privilege of calling you out of your name. You areBlack because that is the color of your skin and the one thing that connects youto those who are Black, but not American. You are African American becauseit is your birthright, earned by the blood of slaves and ancestors. You don’t havea preference but struggle with having to tolerate the contradictions of beingBlack to one, African American to another. You really don’t know what you arecalled behind closed doors.

Harper: “Being Black is watching Whites look upon my natural hair, mustache,my African garments, my Black music, and literature, my Black communitylanguage, and other symbols of Black pride as being deviant.”

You: No one wants to be reminded of your Blackness. When you display yourAfrocentric pride or affiliation it exaggerates your Blackness for many, it is anunnecessary and unwanted reminder of your difference and your acknowledg-ment as such.

Harper: “Being Black is seeing a soul sister or brother slaving overtime on a dirtymenial job and being underpaid.”

You: Sometimes, you think, White skin is worth more than Black. White skin mayafford higher salaries, consistent raises, generous tips in restaurants, positiveevaluations, and undeserved promotions. Being Black costs you.

Harper: “Being Black is to go into a class disadvantaged and find that I have ateacher who believes it is impossible for a Black student to make an ‘A’ or ‘B’grade.”

You: Your peers think you try too hard. They don’t understand that you have towork hard to meet them half-way toward success. You wonder if your teachersevaluate you on your merit or on your Blackness. You are proud to discredit sta-tistics that say Black students are ignorant or incapable of learning (Fischeret al., 1996; Herrnstein & Murray, 1994). For this you are rewarded, but youovercompensate to earn your grade. You have more to prove and more to lose.You have been taught to do “more” than enough to get by.

Harper: “Being Black is not having a penny in my pocket and seeing White stu-dents visit Europe and Mexico, driving fancy sports cars, and at the same timeknowing that their parents and ancestors got rich off the sweat and pain of myparents and ancestors.”

You: You are not financially broke, only occasionally emotionally broken. Youdon’t blame everyone for the misguided actions of a few, in the same way thatyou don’t want to be stereotyped as Black.

Harper: “Being Black is to be a resource person for curious White folks who afterbeing answered, are not willing to accept my expertise.”

You: You are assumed to be the expert on Black people because you are Black. Youfind yourself speaking for others and compensating for their failures. What youdo know about being Black is less valid and less credible because you are not afair parallel to the Blacks one sees on television, to the Blacks one avoids ondim-lit streets, or the Blacks one would not want to befriend their child or inviteinto their homes.




Harper: “Being Black is to know that my great grandmother was raped and labeledpromiscuous, that my great grandfather was worked from dawn to dusk andlabeled lazy, that my father was denied a job and labeled shiftless, that my sisterwas busted upside the head by racists with an ax handle, while policemanlaughed, and then labeled her a trouble maker and finally, that I was denied anequal opportunity and labeled ‘culturally deprived.’”

You: You want to resist, you try hard to resist the victim mentality. You acknowl-edge White privilege, but you don’t reinforce the legacy of slavery. The legacythat has branded you with shame and stripped you of dignity. You know thetruth but the truth is hidden and/or forgotten. You have to prove yourself to berespectable, hardworking and pleasant. It is never assumed.

Harper: “Being Black means to be in an ocean of White stimuli, to be angry con-sciously or unconsciously, to continuously struggle with oneself to deny hos-tile feelings, angry feelings. I might add that there is no difference between theanger of a Black rioter and that of a Black Ph.D. but rather a difference in theway this feeling comes out.”

You: Anger resides in you. It is nestled in your belly, next to determination andambition. It is what fosters your strength and encourages your stability. You arenot afraid of your anger. It doesn’t threaten you. Anger inspires you. It pushesyou to prove people wrong in their ignorant assumptions about Black people.You have found your own way of dealing with the anger you allow yourselfto feel and the anger pushes you into places where you can instigate changenon-violently, but aggressively, by educating (equipping) yourself.

Harper: “Finally, being Black means to be lonely, hyperalienated, depressed, dis-played, ignored, and harassed.”

You: You recognize these feelings. You’ve been there. You are lonely. You arehyperalienated at times. Often depressed. Sometimes displayed. Sometimesignored. Unknowingly harassed. You feel paranoid, looking over your shoul-der, carrying the burden of the past. Being Black, as an experience, you wonderhow much really has changed.

Now, take a step back to consider your story, your world in comparison tothe one around you, while I introduce myself.

My Story: A White Girl in Black Skin?

My work requires me to think about how free I can be as an African-Americanwoman writer in my genderized, sexualized, wholly racialized world. (Morri-son, 1992, p. 4)

I realize that my existence within the organization of a university is notmuch different from my existence outside. The world sees me and treats me acertain way because of my position in the world. I am outnumbered. Silenced.




Overlooked. I am a minority. The structure of the world, like the structure ofthe university, places me at a disadvantage because there are more of themthan me. The separateness is my own, practiced out of ritual, Black over here,White over there, or rather Black down here, White up there. What am I doingup here? What am I doing getting a Ph.D.?

The First Day of Class

Black woman. Brown skin. Inquisitive eyes. Full lips. Always, first, is myrace. Before I am anything, I am Black. Next, I am female. Together, I amstereotyped.

The long table reaches from one end of the room to the other. Emptychairs with wobbly legs and overworn feet sit tattered and rejected. I sit wait-ing, like the chairs, to be overlooked and dismissed—used for convenience,remembered for reliability, chosen for usefulness and comfort. I questionmyself. I wonder if I will be the only one (minority), the only Black one, theonly female one, like last time, like damn near every time. My Blacknessswims in a sea of White faces and always stands out, sticks out like a whitemoon on a dark sky, reaches out like a sinner’s hands for salvation. My skin isthe only thing that can’t be invisible. I feel the need to overcompensate.

When the door closes, I am trapped and realize there is no escape. Untilthey learn my name, they will think of me as “the Black girl” in class. Not theone with deep eyes and a compassionate spirit. Not the one with a smoothvoice and Carolina accent. I can only be described by what they can see. MyBlackness is more transparent than my emotions.

I am prepared. I have been here before. I will be here again. My mind istrained to justify thoughts. I remember other classrooms with thicker wallsand fewer students. My memories remind me that I have never been a part ofthe majority. My experience tells me I never will be, so get used to it.

I hesitate to write. To speak. To think. To act. To look up when the wordBlack is mentioned or respond when my culture is called into question. I feeltrapped between the concrete walls of being Black and being a woman at thesame time, as if it is illegal to carry both burdens (opportunities) simulta-neously, suddenly,

I become the expert to what all Blacks are thinking . . .. . . to why it’s okay for me to call myself a nigga, but nobody

else can . . .. . . to why Black women are born with big booties and Black

men spend their tax refunds to put expensive rims on inexpensivecars . . .




. . . to why baby mamas let their baby daddies plant their seedslike donations to any woman desperate enough for love to know-ingly wrap her legs around somebody else’s man . . .

. . . to why young Black men master sports instead of textbooksand when that fails attempt to acquire their manhood through father-hood when they don’t know how to be fathers . . .

. . . to why family is so important and soul food heals everythingfrom broken hearts to broken dreams . . .

. . . to why Black women don’t smile . . .

. . . to why more Black people can’t be more like me, smart likeme, nice like me!?!

They want to know how I got to be different. I want to confess that I am notdifferent, that my education and opportunities don’t excuse me from myBlackness, don’t separate me from my past, don’t shield me from racism orunjustified hatred.

As I try to form a response, the questions become more invasive. I feel likean alien. How are my experiences so foreign? I want to explain and search myvocabulary for the words . . .

Yet . . .I don’t want to be misunderstood.I have no desire to be the poster child for Blackness,or the elected representative for minority rights and struggles.But like monthly reminders of my womanhoodthat require I purchase products for femininityLike I need water and air to live and breathe,Like I love and need and want to feel loved and needed and wanted,I have no choice.

Yet. . . .I don’t want my kindness to be mistaken for weakness.

Though rarely displayed and often shielded,there is a part of me,

in the heart of me,that is all that’s associated with being Black . . .

there is anger and frustration,there is confusion and misunderstanding,

there is strength and independence,there is spirituality and sexuality,

there is the ability to defend myself,there is force behind closed fists,




there is power, and knowledge, and ignorant bliss,there is the stereotypical Black girl,

not a white girl trapped beneath Black skin.

But it becomes my job,

as an academic,

to hide her,

to constantly defy her,

to challenge her,

to dismiss her,

so that I can prove the ignorance in making assumptions based onsomething as widespread as skin color.

I am not a statistic!

I am not an anomaly!

I am not an exception!

I have chosen to use education to defy stereotypes. Avoiding pre-sumptions becomes an everyday struggle.

Their Story: The Only Blackin a Place That is White

Belonging yet not belonging presents peculiar challenges. (Collins, 1998, p. 3)

I seek commonality through difference. The dialectic of resemblance anddissimilarity frame the experience I have as a graduate student who is Black.Like you, I struggle with a constant battle of feeling in place and out of placeat the same time. By investigating the experience of Black Ph.D. students inpredominantly White academic institutions, I seek to understand my Whitecolleagues as I better understand myself.

Meet Deborah, a former Black Ph.D. student who holds her Ph.D. in com-munication. Her story and struggles will resonate with yours and mine.

DEBORAHburgundy lips

carrya voice as confident as rain




recalling and retelling a legacy,through the still airthat I hope to own,

tapping at my shoulderwhispering in my anxious ears

stories of being the new black in a place that is whiteshe had

her obstaclesto

cl

im

bher Blackness,

her womanhood,her intelligence

became shacklesshe had to loosetofind herself

her grandfatherurged her to be

a medical doctoror lawyershe chose

a doctor of philosophyfor the legitimacy

or the opportunitiesnot for the title

thoughshe is proud to be

in the minorityof less than 2% of the population

who have Ph.D.swhen she started she was carefulnot to be an outsiderin the white departmentshe found supportfromother




blackPh.D.’sand creditsher familyfor keeping her feet on the ground

“It is hard to go home!”she says

of North Carolinaof family and friends that fear

education makes you thinkyou are

better thanyou really are

and makes you forgetwhere you came from

she hasn’tthey fear she will becomean “educated fool”whohas book knowledgebutcannot deal kindlyand generouslywith people

she’s notracism

camein the form of other students

who questioned and challengedher intelligenceher competence

her authority

racismcame

in sarcastic remarksnegative stereotypes

and being in a glass bowlbeing watched with suspicious eyes




It is somethingshe says

she has “gotten used to.”unfortunatelyshe knowsthat even withherexpensive educationthe world does not see her Ph.D.only her black exterior

she knowseducated blacksare sometimescalledoreos,black on the outsidewhite on the inside—orhonorary whitesoruncle Toms

she recognizes, thoughthat

nobody is perfectbut she appreciates

opportunitiesto right wrongs

and fix things that are brokenshe fixes things

because she is blackand that is what black women do

nurture and mendthings that are broken and wrong

racism, though, is hard to fixand difficult to erase

or understandor justify

we juggle wordsshe catches mineand returns her own

I say, BLACK




she says, “struggle”WHITE

“entitlement”SUCCESS

“hard work”WOMAN

“delightful”LIFE

“wonderful”RESPONSIBILITY

“privilege”STRENGTH

“black woman”WEAKNESS

“the world”DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY

“me”she is powerfulbecause she hasthe abilityto defy stereotypessayingthe fate of the groupis not always the fateoftheindividual

she isa self-proclaimedstatistical anomalywhich iswhen you can lookat a personwithoutcomparisonit is whenyou define the statisticsbut the statisticsdo notdefineyou




“A lot of people,”she says,

“will tell youwhat is wrong

and whatyou do wrong

butthey don’t

tell youwhat you do right!”

she knowswithout being told

how to do rightshe loves herselfher familyher cultureshe loveseverythingaboutbeing blackwhileacknowledgingthere arecertain privilegeswhite privilegesbut she doesn’t miss thembecause she has never had them

her eyescarry

the weight of the conversationabout race and love and life

she is passionateabout

relationshipsshe is in love

with a man who loves her wisdom and maturityshe talks like a preacher

and I am not surprised to learnthat she is a minister

faithful to her ambitionsfaithful to her emotions




faithful to her GodI wonder how she handles pain

in the reflectionof other people’s

eyesshe sees what they see

her as a threather as a twofer

double minorityblack womanwoman black

swallowing the opportunitiesof black menwhite women

and the inheritanceof the owners

of slavesYetshe is not for saleandit is difficult to lovean educated black womanit is hard to wanta woman with a Ph.D.she hides the disappointment of beingan overachieversafely beneath fleshwaiting for someone to loveand for someone to love her ANDher mind

strategizing lovelike she strategized education

and successthis, she learned, from living life

and reading booksand only watching quality news shows on television

she suspectsequal accessandequal opportunity




will help combat racismshe encouragesself-reflectionstrategyhonestyopennesscourageshe suggests finding ways to access emotionalitythe courage for honest self-examination

and steps forwardI follow her

and step forward as well“Don’t act,”

she says patiently,“as if racism doesn’t exist.”

her voice knows, her eyes know, her life history knows,but

“Folk don’t want to talk about racism.”she says, blankly, assuredly

In silencewe consider the power

in a six letter wordwhile

I struggle to find the wordsto capture the beauty of this woman

her heartextended to me

revealing her hopes and dreamssharing her history and hardships

she challenges stereotypesof beingtoo strongof getting bybecause ofaffirmative action or pity

she has accessedemotionality

and shown methe strength of tears




burgundy lipsrevealperfect teethand a remarkable smileI return her smileencouragedby her wordsand confidenceand eat themmaking them my ownto share

Our Story: Yours, Mine, and Theirs

There is no more powerful position than that of being “just” human. The claimto power is the claim to speak for the commonality of humanity. Raced peoplecan’t do that—they can only speak for their race. (Dyer, 1997, p. 2)

As I sat in class on my 1st day in graduate school, I knew immediately therole I would play. I am the Black woman. Speechless, but with a voice. Invisi-ble, but with an audience. Scripted. I have been in this place before. I knowmy lines by heart. It is my job to make others feel at ease. It is my job to teachall the White faces to see beyond my Black one. It helps, I think, when theyunlearn those things they have been exposed to. It is equally beneficial whenthey give me the benefit of the doubt.

You, as a reader, have had the opportunity to be exposed to what it feelslike to be a Black student. Perhaps now you can sympathize with the status ofbeing a true minority, always outnumbered, always vulnerable.

Collectively our response to a racial incident on a predominantly Whitecollege campus follows, documented in a statement from the Office of thePresident that comes across mass e-mail:

“An incident recently took place in which a rope, simulating a noose, was foundhanging from a tree . . . ”

It is 2004, many years since the abolition of slavery, the desegregation ofschools and the birth of civil rights. Yet, racism and bigotry still exist and weare still a target. The situation is further complicated when the “incident” tookplace at a predominantly White university where we are Ph.D. students. As weread the details of the incident we are flooded by conflicting emotions: shock,fear, resentment, confusion, paranoia, anger. We have come to appreciate theforwardness of bold racism, found on bumper stickers, T-shirts, flags, and in




ignorant slurs. With them, at least, we know where we stand. Camouflagedracism is more difficult. It hides behind white collars and questioning glares.We are now hyper aware of our difference and separateness as Black Ph.D. stu-dents, but we resent the reminder. We don’t need the image of men hangingfrom trees in our minds to show us that we don’t belong, and we wonder if it isintentional that we are never really made to feel welcome.

“Campus police are vigorously investigating this incident, using everyresource at their disposal in the effort to find those responsible for thisdeplorable act. If found, the individuals involved will be swiftly dealtwith by our university judicial system. . . . ”

We search the words of the document for vindication but find none. We con-template the meaning of this insensitivity to our research. We have been work-ing on a paper about the experiences of Black Ph.D. students in predominantlyWhite institutions. We have planned to focus on negotiating Blackness intoWhiteness, now we are forced to consider the implications of racism that hidediscreetly in places where it is assumed not to exist, a college campus, a play-ground for like-minded individuals who seek knowledge, discipline, legiti-macy, and equality. We assumed that an education would protect us from igno-rance. We were wrong.

We wonder if our White colleagues and professors will think of us whenthey hear of the incident and be inspired to do something or say something. Per-haps they will ignore it and hope we don’t bring it up. Conversations about racecan be uncomfortable and complicated. They fear saying the wrong thing. Wefear being outnumbered and misunderstood.

We can’t help but take it personally. It is almost as if the rope was tiedaround our neck. We can feel the roughness of its edges, tickling our chin, thecord finding our source of air supply and claiming it, choking us until we feelevery ounce of goodness escape our body. We take it personally and it wasmeant for us to take personally, as Black persons, specifically as Black studentson a White campus.

“ . . . this incident marks the second time in two years that our commu-nity has witnessed acts of intolerance . . . both incidents were committedat the same time of year—at the beginning of Black Emphasis Month—making these acts particularly reprehensible.”

Intolerance?!? That is how a racially inspired act is described in a public apol-ogy? In 2004, on a public university campus, as a Black student, we are said tobe, tolerated? The word intolerance, by definition, may be appropriate, politi-cally, as it is defined as “not tolerant, especially of views, beliefs, or behaviordiffering from one’s own.” The term race is not included in the definition butperhaps it should be. Because we are Black we must also have conflictingviews, beliefs, and behaviors than other students. We must be different, devi-ant, in need of being tolerated. We repeat the word intolerance but it stops in




our throat and we can’t swallow it. Synonyms for the noun include impatience,unforgiveness, uncompromisingness, inflexibility, opinionatedness, self-opinion,narrow-mindedness, illiberality, dogmatism, bias, prejudice, and bigotry. Itmakes us feel as if not only are we to be tolerated, but put up with, forgiven,compromised, liberated, freed. Being tolerated is not enough.

“During February, the University is celebrating Black Emphasis Month.It is a time for us to honor and celebrate the contributions of AfricanAmericans to our university, our state, and our nation. I hope you willmake time to participate in the many events the school offers in celebra-tion of Black Emphasis Month. They are an important part of whatmakes [us] a community.”

We suspect many White students and professors may participate in events theyhave no interest in so as to appease their guilt by association to peers that arebold enough to display their true feelings, their true hatred. Perhaps they didn’thang the rope on the tree limb, but maybe they don’t feel there is anythingwrong with it. They may feel the individuals responsible were expressingthemselves, exercising their amendment rights. We choke on the possibility.

In communication the unspoken speaks (Bateson, 1951). In our opinion,saying nothing is saying something. Saying nothing when someone compro-mises our dignity as Black Americans is saying something. Saying nothingwhen someone publicly announces their hatred of us in the form of racist para-phernalia is saying something. Perhaps as a discipline we should start listeningfor and hearing the unspoken.

“Universities have value and relevance in our society because we bringtogether people with diverse backgrounds, beliefs, agendas and per-spectives to educate future generations and to address the challengingissues of our times. Indeed, varying perspectives—and respect for thoseperspectives—is at the very core of the mission of our nation’s publicuniversities.

As members of the [university] community, we have a duty to go beyondmere tolerance of diversity and difference. We must appreciate diver-sity in our hearts, encourage it in our relationships, and defend it inour actions. During this month, we should look inside ourselves asindividuals—and as an institution—to examine whether we are fulfill-ing this duty. We should also remind ourselves that we can always domore.”

We recall coming to college because we assumed we would be safe andaccepted. Suddenly we wonder why we made that assumption. We wonderwhat can be done or what should be done in response to this heinous act . . .what would make us feel better? What would really make a difference? Wouldit matter if the person or people responsible were exposed and punished? Prob-




ably not . . . because they would still hold their beliefs about Black people.They would still hate us because of our skin color. They would still resent ourbeing here. And they would still represent a fraction of the community whowould be less likely to publicize their thoughts and beliefs about us. We shoulddefinitely look inside ourselves—but we should not only subject ourselves tothis self-critique during 1 month out of 12. We wonder if people will ever seebeyond our skin color.

“In many ways, you get what you expect.” Deborah explained during ourconversation about race, slightly smiling, exposing the brilliance of whiteteeth. She continued,

The blatant racism that I experienced was from other students—who camefrom backgrounds where they believed that most Black students at White uni-versities were there because of Affirmative Action and that we really weren’tcompetent. And—I can remember after a year or so, we were talking in a classabout our transcripts and our grades. I worked hard and was fortunate enoughto have all A’s . . . and somebody said to me, “do you have all A’s because youare a Black female?!?” And so I said to this person, who was another student, Isaid, “If I were you I would get up and leave. I would pack up and leave becauseI would not be a student at an institution that would give somebody all A’sbecause they were a Black female. . . . ”

E Pluribus: Out of Many

It is important to recognize how profoundly being a “one and only” or one of afew can become integrated into one’s identity. (Willie, 2003, p. 58)

Institutionalized racism is defined as “the combination of practiceswhereby Blacks and other people of color as a group or class receive differen-tial treatment” (Collins, 1998, p. 278). It operates in our everyday lives. Itmoves into the places we live. It leaves residue on our psyche. It crowds ourconsciousness. It leaves marks on our bodies. As a result of this shared strug-gle, Black students share the emotional, physical, and psychological ramifi-cations of being an outsider/within, “tolerated but not fully accepted”(Collins, 1998, p. 4).

Racism is often not blatant. Covert manifestations of racism may exist inglances and stares, unfair assumptions that Blacks are unapologetically igno-rant, stereotyping, hostility and inaccessibility (see Tatum 1997).4 Openmanifestations of racism are exposed when Black students are openly ridi-culed, questioned, or ignored in classroom and social settings, or encouraged




and expected to respond on behalf of all Blacks or explain Black culture. It isnot always understood that I am only one, not the only one. The Black experi-ence, though consistently similar, is not the same.

Unum: One

Whiteness conferred power, and I could never become White. Under condi-tions of social injustice, the outsider-within location describes a particularknowledge/power relationship, one of gaining knowledge about or of a domi-nant group without gaining the full power accorded to members of that group.(Collins, 1998, p. 6)

Your journey as a reader began with an invitation into an experience thathas allowed you to view yourself with an introspective lens, an “insider/outsider stance” (Collins, 1998; Duncan, 2002). You have moved insideracism, feeling its effects while overcoming its suffocation. You have alsostood outside racism, a place you can now return to as a distant observer. Withthe same intensity that I invited you in, I now transition you out of unfamiliarskin, but with newfound understanding and empathy. You can return to youroriginal state having been made aware of the position of the “Other.” By repo-sitioning yourself you have embraced a perspective that is not your owntherefore empowering yourself to “deconstruct practices of racism,” (hooks,1998, p. 53) and become sensitive to the perspective of the “Other.” You havepositioned yourself to dismantle the myth of sameness (hooks, 1998, p. 41)that ignores racial differences and the existence of racism.

The “Other” is always a mysterious person we associate in completeopposition to ourselves, whether White or Black. hooks (1998) states, manyBlack people “do not know themselves separate from whiteness” (p. 39).This is common. The White imagination, too, seeks to know more about theBlackness they perceive only in comparison to themselves. In the Blackimagination White is terrorizing, Black is safe (hooks, 1998). In the Whiteimagination, Black is raced, White is not (Dyer, 1997).

There is a need for both sides of the story to be told and shared so that wecan discover the implications of racism on its victims but also the impactracism has on those who perpetuate it (Morrison, 1992, pp. 11-12).5 Theatmosphere of predominantly White universities takes on the same space asany social environment, privileging the dominant culture over others. hooksdescribes childhood encounters with Whiteness (a predominantly Whitearea) as having inspired fear in her. She describes the space as “terrifyingwhiteness,” a place that “even when empty . . . seemed to say danger, you do




not belong here, you are not safe” (hooks, 1998, p. 50). As a Black Ph.D. stu-dent I, too, am fearful. My fear is not of Whiteness, but of racism. I do notfear being exposed. I fear being erased, ignored, invisible, or insignificant. Itis ironic to note, I also fear being magnified, overexposed, and burdened withthe responsibility of representing or redeeming all Blacks in the Whiteimagination.

Racism hides (see Ellis, 1995; hooks, 1998), but it can be uncovered.Racial innocence is lost, but it can be recovered. This odyssey was notintended to undermine racism or perpetuate it but rather to dismantle it byviewing it from various perspectives and circumstances. You have visualizedyourself in someone else’s position, without

false empathy, in which a white person believes he or she is identifying with aperson of color, but in fact is doing so only in a slight, superficial way(Delgado, 1996) or when people of color identify with members of the domi-nant society in ways that make the former complicit with the latter in sustainingand maintaining systems of oppression. (Duncan, 2002, p. 89)

The empathy this article was designed to inspire is intended to be honest andsincere, promoting a better understanding of the pluralism and differencebetween races while identifying the singularity and sameness.

I, the writer, and you, the reader, have exchanged perspectives, positions,and voices to create a dialogue about race that acknowledges its importanceand significance in academia. This conversation is long overdue. Ignoringracism or implying that racially based situations do not exist within academicinstitutions will only further silence a much-needed discussion. We affectone another in many ways based on what we know and understand about our-selves and how we see ourselves or assume ourselves to be seen in the eyes ofthe other. My identity has been shaped, in many ways, by my Blackness, evenmore by womanhood, and a newly integrated aspect of my identity, as ascholar, further complicates the self I seek to understand.

I have used poetic ethnography to share the experiences of Black Ph.D.students, and I have used autoethnography to express my personal struggleswith fitting in and feeling out of place. There is room in the world of academefor all of us, though some of us must create a space and opportunity to lookwithin ourselves and outside of ourselves (introspectively and retrospec-tively), so that we can meet at a place of understanding and commonality,rather than isolate ourselves at our places of difference. This conversationaljourney ends where it began, with you and I becoming one.




Notes

1. Quote of Johnetta B. Cole (cited in Jones, 1997, p. 56). In her performance article “SistaDocta: Performance as Critique of the Academy,” Joni L. Jones (1997) uses the voices of influen-tial Black women in academe, whose life work serves as open doors for the Black female scholarswho will follow. Those voices include Anna Deavere Smith, Ntosake Shange, bell hooks, andJohnetta B. Cole, as cited in this text.

2. In White, Richard Dyer discusses White privilege and identity as a way of escaping the cat-egorization of Whiteness, a protection against racism, but not prejudice.

3. In this collaborative essay, Alexander and Warren, encourage a shifting of perspectives thatcan be adopted here to encourage a richer experience of the text.

4. As noted in her book, Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? andother conversations about race, Beverly Tatum (1997) states that, “white students and faculty fre-quently underestimate the power and presence of the overt and covert manifestations of racismon campus, and students of color often come to predominantly White campuses expecting morecivility than they find” (p. 77).

5. See Toni Morrison’s Playing in the Dark: Whiteness and the Literary Imagination (1992)where she discusses how White authors often embody their own fears and desires through thecreation of Black characters, which oftentimes perpetuates the division of racism. Morrisonargues that the representation and presence of Blackness helps to construct the White identity.

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Robin M. Boylorn is a Ph.D. student at The University of South Florida where as Richard F.Pride Fellow of the university she studies the lived experiences of Black women in the rural Souththrough performative and creative writing. An autoethnographer, her research interests includeBlack feminism, the minority experience, and the Black female body. Having won numerous cre-ative writing awards, she concentrates on creative methods of investigation and presentationusing the Black southern vernacular as a storytelling tool.




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