1

DILEMMA

1-act play by

Erwin H. Lerner

n Contact:

Erwin H. Lerner

34 Morton St. 2C

New York, NY 10014

erwinhl1@verizon.net

(home) 212 024-7282

(cell) 646 330-1367

(fax) 212 6277679 © 1964-1996 Erwin H. Lerner

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CHARACTERS: BOLINDA, Middle-aged MILTON, Middle-aged, her psychotherapist husband. ANTHONY, Middle-aged, their high school acquaintance. BOY, Teenaged, uninvited guest. SCENE: Livingroom in suburban home. Rear-Right, front door. Center-Right, unlit, dressed, small-sized Christmas tree. Rear-Left, small bar with bottles, decanters, glassware, etc. Center-Left, foyer Front-Left, small desk with electric typewriter, paper, pens, pencils, erasers, dictionary, telephone, etc. Front-Right, sofa, armchair, coffee table, lamps, etc. TIME: Christmas evening, the present. AT RISE: BOLINDA at desktop computer, word processing. MILTON seated in armchair, studies patient files. After a moment:

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BOLINDA (Looks up) Dear? Dear? Milton! MILTON (Reading) Hmmm! Yes, dear? BOLINDA Be a darling, dear: mix me a whiskey sour. MILTON (As before) I’m busy with my files, dear. BOLINDA I know that, dear. Please, I’ve found the essence of a couplet. MILTON (Looks up) Dear, you certainly know the immediacy of my files. BOLINDA Yes, dear, and you very well know the urgency of my poetry contest deadline. MILTON Bolinda, I have two therapy groups tomorrow morning. My patients’ files are more important than your poesy. BOLINDA How dare you say that? MILTON I dare say you've imbibed too many whiskey sours. DOORBELL RINGS LONG, SHORT, LONG

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MILTON (Looks) That must be — what's-his-name, your protector in high school? BOLINDA Tony the Beast? MILTON We bumped into each other in the city. I invited him to drop by if he happens to be in our neighborhood— I never dreamed he’d show up. BOLINDA Milton, my postmark deadline is noon tomorrow. MILTON I thought you’d get a charge out of his company. BOLINDA A charge out of Tony the Beast, on Christmas? MILTON He seemed sad and lonely. His parents were killed recently, tragically— two shots in back of the head. DOORBELL RINGS AS BEFORE. BOLINDA You could have invited him to your office. MILTON His profile doesn't fit my criteria for therapeutical success. I referred him to some basic literature in the field. BOLINDA Brilliant! Milton, kindly answer the damned door. (Resumes typing)

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MILTON Yes, Bolinda-dear! (Rises, rests notebook on armchair cushion; opens door Rear-Right, peers outside; Exits; returns, closes door) How odd! Someone rang the doorbell: one long, a short, and another long. But I didn't see a soul. Do you know anyone who rings that particular pattern? Hello. Bolinda. BOLINDA To the best of my expert knowledge, no. TELEPHONE ON DESK RINGS. MILTON Whom do we know, who’s sitting nearest the telephone, and very well could answer it? BOLINDA If it’s for me, I’m incapacitated until tomorrow. MILTON I resent your making a liar of me. (Crosses to telephone; answers) Hello? Hello. (Hangs up abruptly) What in the world is going on? BOLINDA (Busy) Sweet mysteries of life. As long as you're up and about, darling, won’t you fix me a whiskey sour? (Resumes work) MILTON (Mixes whiskey sour at bar during following) Hypothetically, the call was from Anthony, to say he isn’t in a suburbanish mood, and much to his (m o r e)

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MILTON (c o n t ‘ d) regret, he won’t be visiting us. Or, he rang our doorbell, concluded we aren't in; yes, found a pay phone— no, he’d have a cell phone; dialed our number— I’m conjecturing, of course. At any rate, dear, you won't be disturbed. You grow disturbed too easily, lately. Truly, I appreciate how badly you must write— which isn’t to say you write badly. BOLINDA Score six cheap shots for the doctor. MILTON It’s my professional opinion— no, scratch that. It’s my professional diagnosis that: your poesy is sublimation for an unfulfilled child-bearing instinct; you portend to value reason over emotion; you feign objective rationality, attempting--literally--to assert control over the English language— short of perfection, I might add. DOORBELL RINGS LONG. BOLINDAA The doorbell is ringing— literally! MILTON (Opens door Rear-Right; to OFF) It’s you! Do come in. Bolinda, dear, guess who’s here. ANTHONY (Enters, Rear-Right, wears overcoat, suit, dress shirt, colorful, wide necktie, patent leather shoes, fedora) Stay loose, Milt! (Fakes punch at MILTON's stomach)

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MILTON (Jumps away) Don’t do that! ANTHONY Ho, ho, ho! Milty, you grew great reflexes. (To BOLINDA) What's cooking, Babe? Hey, Boli I didn’t know you could work a computer. (Crosses to desk as MILTON closes door) BOLINDA Tony, I’m desperately trying to meet a poetry contest deadline. First prize is an all-inclusive weekend in Akron. ANTHONY Fabulous! Akron: where’s that? BOLINDA You’re pulling my leg, you devil! ANTHONY No, I ain’t. It’s a city, right? MILTON Akron is in north-central Ohio, Anthony, south of Cleveland. Let’s you and I give the poetess space. ANTHONY Milty, hang a sign up outside: DON’T DISTURB, POEM WRITER AT WORK! Ha! Boli, here’s a smack on the lips for good luck. (Pecks BOLINDA's lips) BOLINDA (Stiffens, writhes) Tony! Your breath is atrocious.

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ANTHONY (HIS feelings hurt) Why'd you need to say that? MILTON (At bar) Anthony, squish some whiskey sour in your mouth. ANTHONY Yeah, I ate a few slices with garlic, pepperoni and sausage. MILTON (Fills two cocktail glasses, gives one to ANTHONY) Friend, I present to you a sincere offering. ANTHONY Thanks ten million. (Takes a gulp, gargles some) MILTON (Delivers second glass to desk) Here’s yours, Bolinda dearest, concocted with profound love and admiration. BOLINDA It's about time! (Takes glass, swigs it down) Tony, give me a word that rhymes with egocentric. MILTON Ecclectic. Epileptic. Ergonomic! BOLINDA I asked Tony, thank you.

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ANTHONY (Rests empty glass on bar, removes HIS hat and coat) I don’t know any, Babe. Where should I dump my hat and coat? MILTON I’ll take them! (Takes hat and coat, rests both aside during following) BOLINDA Take off your jacket, Tony, show Milton your muscular chest. ANTHONY Ho, ho, ho! (Removes jacket, reveals large pistol in shoulder holster) BOLINDA Let Milton handle your rod. ANTHONY Nobody touches my piece. BOLINDA Why not? Do you feel naked without it. (Resumes work) ANTHONY Bol’, get off my case. MILTON (Indicates sofa) Anthony, make yourself at home; have a seat. ANTHONY (Sprawls on sofa) This feels cushy on my tooshy.

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MILTON (Sits on edge of sofa) So, who won the bowl game? ANTHONY What one? MILTON The Christmas Bowl. ANTHONY I dunnno. BOLINDA (Busy; calls) How's business, Tony? ANTHONY Terrrific! I took a few weeks off for the holidays! BOLINDA (As before) How many jobs have you executed this year? ANTHONY I don’t keep tabs. My contracts are off the books. BOLINDA (As before) How you do it is beyond me! ANTHONY I do different ones different ways. I’ll trail a mark, maybe a day or two, three, a week; however long it takes. Then, I go bang, or bang-bang, gabah, gabah, and it’s over. MILTON Anthony! You actually take lives for your livelihood?

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ANTHONY Yeah. You make plenty off whackoes for what you do. I make a bundle of dough doing contracts. So? What’s wrong with that? What’s good for da goose is good for da whoosamacallit. MILTON But, Anthony, how can you possibly take human lives and know what love is? ANTHONY Hey! I know all about making it with the opposing sex. BOLINDABOLINDA (Busy) Teach Milton how, Tony, ANTHONY I can’t teach it. You’re either born with the knack, or forget about it. BOLINDA (Pauses, looks up) It’s called instinct in the primer Milton recommended. MILTON What? Bolinda! How do you know I recommended "A Primer on Freudian Psychology”? BOLINDA Tony told me! ANTHONY Boli! you swore to keep your mouth shut. MILTON (Astonished) You relate to one-another behind my back?

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ANTHONY Once in a blue moon, Milty, I feel a little rotten after a hit; so, I phone Boli and she cracks a joke or two to get me over the hump. BOLINDA Tony, how do you spell apoplectic? ANTHONY I don't know it, Babe. BOLINDA Pretend you’re in a class spelling bee. ANTHONY Okay. Appleplectic: a, p-p-l-e . . . . . MILTON (Mocks) Ho, ho, ho! BOLINDA Yes, Tony, go on. ANTHONY I give up! BOLINDA Apoplectic: a-p-p-o-p-l-e-c-t-i-c; apoplectic. MILTON It has only two p’s: a-p-o-p-l-e-c-t-i-c. BOLINDA That’s what I said! MILTON I beg to differ. You said three p’s.

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BOLINDA Are you accusing me of dishonesty, dear? MILTON Not at all, dear, it’s a matter of right and wrong. BOLINDA Apologize, Milton: a-p-p-o-l-o-g-I-z-e. MILTON Apologize has one p: a-p-o-l-o-g-i-z-e; apologize. BOLINDA Tony, how many p’s did I say? ANTHONY It coulda been two? MILTON You both happen to be incorrect! BOLINDA Tony, my husband is accusing us of deceiving him. MILTON I’m not alluding to deception. I’m saying, you and Anthony— BOLINDA Are having an affair? (Hastily Exits to foyer) ANTHONY (After a long, uncomfortable pause) Milty, lighten up! I brung youse both Christmas presents. (Presents two gift-wrapped packages, gives one to MILTON; places second on BOLINDA’s desk)

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MILTON (Takes it; unwraps package, presents a dagger-like letter opener) Why, thank you, Anthony. ANTHONY It’s for letter-opening. I gave Boli one just like it. BOLINDA (Enters Left-Center wearing sheer nighty atop bra and panties Tony, don’t you love the gift my darling husband gave me? MILTON (Shocked) Bolinda! ANTHONY Very sexy, Babe, I like it. BOLINDA (Sees package on desk, unwraps it during following) Milton, show off your tight ski-'jamas. MILTON I will not! THE DOORBELL RINGS THREE LONG, THREE SHORT, THREE LONG. BOLINDA Tony, put on your jacket; hide your gun. ANTHONY Okay, Babe.

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MILTON Bolinda, put on a house robe; make yourself look decent. (Waits while ANTHONY dons jacket and BOLINDA Exits to foyer; opens door; OFF) Yes? BOY (Enters smiling, gazes about) Season’s greetings! BOLINDA (Enters from foyer, wearing house robe) Milton, do we know him? BOY Do we truly know ourselves? MILTON Son, are you a neighborhood boy? BOY How far does your neighborhood extend? BOLINDA Humph! ANTHONY Okay, whatta you want, kid? BOY A smile would be nice. ANTHONY (Mocks a smile) Okay, take a walk. MILTON Who are you?

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BOY I’m Everyman. BOLINDA He’s a snot-nosed brat! MILTON Where are you from? BOY In what sense? MILTON Metaphysics aside, how might we help you? BOY May I help you folks? ANTHONY Bol, say the word; I’ll knock his block off. BOLINDA Yes, Tony, remove him from the premises. ANTHONY I’ll bounce him on his butt. MILTON Anthony, I won’t have violence in my home! ANTHONY Okay, Milty, you handle it. BOY Why are you people treating me like this? I love you!

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BOLINDA What utter tripe! Tony, teach him a lesson. ANTHONY Sure, Babe, that’s up my alley. (Shoves BOY) Okay, buster, out: o-u-t; out. BOY Please don't touch me! ANTHONY No? Howda ya like this? (Throws a punch) BOY (Evades blow) Please don't make me fight! MILTON Anthony, stop this instant! ANTHONY I'll kill this son of a— (Lunges at BOY) BOY Geeyaakh! Khah! (Knocks ANTHONY down with a swift karate kick in the gut and a hard shot to the head) BOLINDA (Screams) Help! (Passes out, drops to floor) BOY I don’t mean you any harm.

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MILTON (Hastens to kneel; feels BOLINDA’s pulse; to BOY) How many pulse-beats are normal! BOY Define normalcy. MILTON That’s difficult in so many words. BOY All I want is to communicate! MILTON I seriously doubt that my wife and our guest wish to communicate with you. BOY Doubt is paralysis of the mind! MILTON I'm afraid we can't discuss that at the moment. BOY Fear is cancer of the soul. MILTON My wife isn’t breathing! (Gives HER mouth-to-mouth resuscitation; looks up) We never kiss like this! BOY Goodbye! MILTON Farewell to you, son.

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BOY God is love! MILTON (Rises) I’ll show you out. By the way, I can help you, son. I'm an excellent psychotherapist. BOY Be at one with all that exists. (Opens front door, Exits) MILTON (Calls OFF) Let me give you my card. BOLINDA Thank God he’s gone! (Rises) ANTHONY (Rises; mockingly) Milty chased him out. BOLINDA (Mocks) “I can help you, son. I'm an excellent psychotherapist." MILTON (Has shut door; slaps BOLINDA's face) Don’t you dare mock me! BOLINDA (Shocked) Milton, you struck me! MILTON I’m sorry!

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BOLINDA Now, you're sniveling! I'm a woman, Milton! Are you man enough for me? MILTON I give you my all. BOLINDA Tony? I’ll pay you to kill him for me! MILTON Bolinda! ANTHONY Hey, Babe, I don’t rub-out my pals! MILTON Anthony, I'll pay you a thousand dollars to kill her! BOLINDA I’m dying of heat stroke! (Removes housecoat, rests it aside) Tony, I'll pay you two thousand. MILTON Five thousand! BOLINDA Ten! MILTON Fifteen! BOLINDA Where would you get fifteen thousand dollars? MILTON Do you think I deposit everything in our joint checking and savings accounts?

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BOLINDA I can throw money around, too: twenty thousand! MILTON Anthony, I’ll guide you to emotional stability, gratis. BOLINDA I’ll give you my all,Tony! ANTHONY How long are youse guys gonna keep this up? BOLINDA Until He’s dead! MILTON Until she’s dead! ANTHONY I don't wanna kill no more— and it ain’t the price: fifteen, twenty large ain’t hay. BOLINDA Milton, wasn’t Tony entirely inadequate with the boy? MILTON Anthony control lost it! ANTHONY I got shook up. I woonta if that was business,. BOLINDA Tony the lion hearted— not! ANTHONY Youse better quit it. BOLINDA I should murder you both! (Retrieves HER letter opener)

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MILTON (Retrieves HIS letter opener) I’ll kill you both in self-defense. ANTHONY (Draws his gun) Needer of youse make a move! BOLINDA Attack him, Milton, his gun is empty. MILTON What makes you think so, Bolinda? BOLINDA He phoned me yesterday to sob how he put six shots in a guy. ANTHONY It took five to drop him. BOLINDA Tony always forgets to reload. ANTHONY I got a slug left. Who wants it? MILTON Let’s resolve our quarrels with patience and understanding. BOLINDA I agree with you, Milton. Drop your weapon. Tony, drop your gun. ANTHONY First, youse two drop the letter openers.

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MILTON Anthony, look into my eyes. Your weapon is growing heavy, heavier. Your hands are weak, weaker. Your eyes are sleepy, sleepier. ANTHONY Oh, no, you don’t, I ain't gettin’ hypnotized. BOLINDA Milton, I haven’t been unfaithful to you. ANTHONY Milty, all me and Boli do once in awhile is talk on the phone. BOLINDA Please, I don’t want to kill or be killed. ANTHONY I don’t wanna kill no more. MILTON I don’t want to kill. ANTHONY I wanna open a pet shop. MILTON I don’t want to die!

THE ABOVE IS CHOREOGRAPHTED IN A WEAVING MOVEMENT, EACH OF THEM STALKING THE OTHERS. EXHAUSTED, ALL COLLAPSE INTO SEPARATE CHAIRS.:

BOLINDA This is madness!

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MILTON Total insanity! ANTHONY Le’me phone a guy I know to come and be a referee. MILTON I’ll telephone an associate of mine. BOLINDAOLINDA I’ll call my women’s club chair-person. DOORBELL RINGS LONG, SHORT, LONG. MILTON Shall I answer it? BOLINDA What if it’s that boy? ANTHONY I’ll plug him! MILTON Bolinda dear, what should I do? BOLINDA I don’t know, darling. Tony, what do you think? ANTHONY I dunno, Babe. Milty, whatta you say? DOORBELL RINGS LONG, SHORT, LONG. MILTON For the life of me, I don’t know.

C U R T A I N