ALSOBYBILLSIMMONS

NowICanDie inPeace:How theSportsGuyFoundSalvationThanks to theWorldChampion(Twice!)RedSox

Formyfatherandformyson.

IhopeIcanbehalfasgoodofadad.

FOREWORD

MalcolmGladwell

1.

Notlongago,BillSimmonsdecidedtolobbyforthejobofgeneralmanageroftheMinnesotaTimberwolves.IfyouarearegularreaderofBill’s,youwillknowthis,becausehewouldmakereferencestohiscampaignfromtimetotimeinhiscolumn.ButifyouarearegularreaderofBill’scolumn,youalsoknowenoughtobealittleunsureaboutwhattomakeofhisputativecandidacy.Bill,afterall,hasaveryactivesenseofhumor.Helikesmessingwithpeople,thewayheusedto mess with Isiah Thomas, back when Thomas was suffering from a rarepsychiatricdisorderthatmadehimconfuseEddyCurrywithBillRussell.EvenafterIlearnedthattheMinnesotafrontofficehadreceivedsomethingliketwelvethousandemailsfromfansarguingfortheSportsGuy,mypositionwasthatthiswasaveryelaboratejoke.Look,IknowBill.HelivesinLosAngeles.Whenhelanded there fromBoston,hegotdownonhishandsandkneesandkissed thetarmac.He’snot leaving the sunshine for theMinnesotawinter.Plus,Bill is ajournalist, right? He’s a fan. He only knows what you know from watchinggamesonTV.ButthenIreadthisquiteremarkablebookthatyouhaveinyourhands,andIrealizedhowutterlywrongIwas.Simmonsknowsbasketball.He’sserious.AndtheT-wolvesshouldbe,too.

2.

WhatisBillSimmonslike?Thisisnotanirrelevantquestion,becauseitexplainsalotaboutwhyTheBookofBasketballisthewayitis.Theshortansweristhat

Billisexactlylikeyouorme.He’safan—anobsessivefan,inthebestsenseoftheword.IhaveafriendwhosesongrewupwiththeYankeesintheirheydayandjustassumedthateveryfallwouldbringanotherWorldSeriesring.ButthenRiverablewthatsave,andthekidwasdevastated.Hecried.Hedidn’t talkfordays.Theworldasheknewithadcollapsed.Nowthat’safan,andthat’swhatSimmonsis.Thedifference,ofcourse,isthatordinaryfanslikeyouormehavelimitstoourobsession.Wehavejobs.Wehavegirlfriendsandwives.WheneverIaskmyfriendBrucetocometomyhousetowatchfootball,healwayssayshehastoaskhisgirlfriendifhehasany“caproom.”Isuspectalladultshavesomeversion of that constraint.Bill does not.Why?Becausewatching sports is hisjob.Pauseforamomentandwrapyourmindaroundthegeniusofhisposition.“Honey,Ihavetoworklatetonight”meansthattheLakersgamewentintotripleovertime.“Ican’ttonight.Workisstressingmeout”meansthatthePatriotslostonalast-minutefieldgoal.Thisisamanwithfiveflat-screenTVsinhisoffice.It is hard to knowwhich part of that fact is more awe-inspiring: that he canwatchfivegamessimultaneouslyor thathegetstocall theroomwherehecanwatchfivegamessimultaneouslyhis“office.”

The other part about being a fan is that a fan is always an outsider. Mostsportswritersarenot,bythisdefinition,fans.Theycapitalizeontheiraccesstoathletes.TheyspoketoKobelastnight,andKobesayshisfingerisgoingtobefine.Theyspentthreedaysfly-fishingwithBrettFavreinMarch,andBrettsayshe’sdefinitelycomingbackforanotherseason.Thereisnothingwrong,inandof itself,with thatkindofapproachtosports.But ithas its limits.Theinsider,inevitably,startstoplayfavorites.Heshadeshiscriticisms,justalittle,becauseifhedoesn’t,well,whatifKobewon’ttakehiscallsanymore?Thisbookisnottheworkofan insider. It’s theworkofsomeonewith fiveTVs inhis“office”who has a reasoned opinion on Game 5 of the 1986 Eastern Conferencesemifinals because he watched Game 5 of the 1986 Eastern Conferencesemifinals in 1986, and then—just to make sure his memory wasn’t playingtricks on him—got the tape and rewatched it three times on some randomTuesdaymorninglastspring.YouandIcannotdothatbecausewehavenocaproom.That’swhywehaveSimmons.

3.

Youwillhavenoticed,bynow,thatTheBookofBasketballisverylarge.Icansafely say that it is the longest book that I have read since I was in college.Pleasedonotbeputoffby this fact. If thiswereanovel,youwouldbeundersomeobligationtoreaditallatonceorotherwiseyou’dlose trackof theplot.(Wait.Was Celeste married to Ambrose, or were they the ones who had theaffair at theHoliday Inn?)But it isn’t anovel. It is, rather, a seriesof looselyconnectedargumentsandriffsandlistsandstoriesthatyoucanpickupandputdownat any time.This is thebasketball versionof theoldBaseballAbstractsthatBillJamesusedtoputoutinthe1980s.It’slongbecauseitneedstobelong—becausethegoalofthisbookistohelpusunderstandtheconnectionbetweenthings like, say,ElginBaylor andMichael Jordan, and to do that you have tounderstandexactlywhoBaylorwas.AndbecauseBilldidn’twant to just rankthe top tenplayersofall time,or the top twenty-five, since thoseare theonesthatweknowabout.Hewantedtorankthetopninety-six,andthenalsomentiontheoneswhoalmostmadethecut,andhewantedtomakethecaseforeveryoneofhispositions—withwit and evidence and reason.Andasyou read it you’llrealizenotonlythatyounowunderstandbasketballinawaythatyouneverhavebeforebutalsothatthere’sneverbeenabookaboutbasketballquitelikethis.Sotakeyour time.Setasidea fewweeks.Youwon’t lose trackof thecharacters.You know the characters.What youmay not know is just how goodBernardKingwas,orwhyPippenbelongsontheall-timeteam.(Bytheway,makesureto read the footnotes. God knows why, but Simmons is the master of thefootnote.)

Onelastpoint.Thisbookissupposedtostartarguments.I’mstillflabbergastedathowhighheranksAllenIverson,forexample,orwhyKevinJohnsonbarelycracks thepyramid. I seem to remember that inhisdayK.J.wasunstoppable.Butthenagain,I’mrelyingonmymemory.Simmonswentbackandlookedatthe tape some random Tuesday afternoon when the rest of us were at work.Luckybastard.

CONTENTS

Foreword

PROLOGUE:AFour-DollarTicketONE:TheSecret

TWO:Russell,ThenWilt

THREE:HowtheHellDidWeGetHere?

FOUR:TheWhat-IfGame

FIVE:MostValuableChapter

SIX:TheHallofFamePyramidSEVEN:ThePyramid:Level1

EIGHT:ThePyramid:Level2

NINE:ThePyramid:Level3

TEN:ThePyramid:Level4

ELEVEN:The Pyramid: Pantheon TWELVE:The Legend of Keyser SözeTHIRTEEN:TheWineCellar

EPILOGUE:LifeAfterTheSecretAcknowledgmentsBibliography

PROLOGUE

AFOUR-DOLLARTICKET

DURINGTHESUMMERof1973,withWatergateunfoldingandWillieMaysredefiningthephrase“stickaforkinhim,”myfatherwaswaveringbetweenanewmotorcyleandasingleseasonticketfortheCeltics.TheIRShadjustgivenhimasignificantincometaxrefundofeither$200

(the figureDad remembers) or $600 (the figuremymother remembers).Theyboth agree on one thing: Mom threatened to leave him if he bought themotorcycle.

We were renting a modest apartment in Marlborough, Massachusetts, justtwenty-five minutes from Boston, with my father putting himself throughSuffolkLawSchool, teachingatanall-girlsboardingschool,andbartendingatnight.Althoughthetaxrefundwouldhavepaidsomebills,forthefirsttimemyfatherwantedsomethingforhimself.Hislifesucked.Hewantedthemotorcycle.WhenMomshotthatideadown,hecalledtheCelticsandlearnedthat,forfourdollars per game, he could purchase a ticket right behind the visitors’ bench.Nowadays,youcan’tpurchasefourboxingpay-per-viewsoranewiPodforlessthan$150.Back then, thatmoneysecuredaseat fiverowsbehind thevisitors’bench at theBostonGarden, close enough to see the growingbald splotch onKareem’shead.1

My fatherpulled the trigger andbroke thenews tomymother thatnight.Theconversationprobablywentsomethinglikethis:

DAD: Good news, honey. I bought a season ticket for the Celtics. I’ll be

spending thirty-fivenightsayear inside theGardenbymyself,2not includingplayoff games, so you’ll have to stay home with Billy alone on those nightsbecausewedon’thaveenoughmoneytogetababysitter.Also,Iusedupnearlytheentireincometaxrefund.ButIcouldn’tresist—Ithinktheycanwinthetitlethisyear!

MOM(afteralongsilence):Areyouserious?

DAD:Um…IguessIcouldtakeBillytosomeofthegames.Hecouldsitonmylap.Whatdoyouthink?

MOM:Ithinkwegotmarriedtooyoung.

If she did say that, she was right; my parents separated five years later. Inretrospect, maybe the motorcycle would have sped things up. But that’s howcloseIcametomissingoutonachildhoodspent inside theGarden.3IfMomhadagreedtothemotorcycle,maybeDadwouldhavewipedoutandbecomethenext Gary Busey. Maybe we would have missed five championship seasons.MaybeIwouldn’thavecaredaboutbasketballasmuch.Maybeyouwouldn’tbekickingyourselfforspending$30onthisbookrightnow.Lifeisstrange.

Webought intoCelticPrideat theperfect time: theywerecomingoff68winsandanunluckybreaklateinthe’73playoffs,whenJohnHavlicekseparatedhisshootingshoulderrunningthroughascreenandBostonfelltoaninferiorKnicksteam. Despite the lost championship and a wildly popular Bruins squad thatshared theGarden, theCeltshadgained localmomentumbecauseofHavlicekandreigningMVPDaveCowens,afieryredheadwhoclickedwithfansinawayBill Russell never did. After struggling to fill the building during Russell’sastonishing run (eleven titles in thirteenyears from1957 to1969), theCelticsweresuddenlyflourishinginanotoriouslyracistcity.Wasithappeningbecause

theirbesttwoplayerswerewhite?Wasithappeningbecauseoftheburgeoningnumberofbabyboomers likemy father, theoneswho fell in lovewithhoopsbecauseoftheunselfishnessofAuerbach’sCelticsandHolzman’sKnicks,whogrewupwatchingChamberlainandRussellbattleliketwogiganticdinosaursonSundays,whowereenthralledbyUCLA’swinstreakandMaravich’swizardryatLSU?OrwasCowenssimplymorelikableandfan-friendlythantheenigmaticRussell?

Theanswer?Alloftheabove.4MaybethecitywouldhaveacceptedanAfricanAmericansportshero in thefiftiesandsixties—eventually itacceptedmanyofthem—but never someone as complex and stubborn as Russell. Themanwasmoody and sullen to reporters, distant and unfriendly to fans, shockinglyoutspokenabout racial issues,defiantabouthiscolorandplight.Russell caredonlyaboutbeingasuperiorteammateandaproudblackman,neverconsideringhimself an entertainer or an ambassador of the game. If anything, he shunnedbothof those roles:Hewanted toplaybasketball, towin, tobe respectedasaplayerandperson…andtobeleftalone.EvenwhenAuerbachnamedhimthefirstblackprofessionalcoachin1966,Russelldidn’tcareaboutthesignificanceofthepromotion,justthattherewasnobetterpersonforthejob.Onlyyearslaterwould fans appreciate a courageous sports figure who advanced the cause ofAfricanAmericansmorethananyathleteotherthanMuhammadAli.Onlyyearslater would we fully empathize with the anguish and confusion of such atranscendent player, someone who was cheered as a basketball star anddiscriminatedagainstasahumanbeing.OnlyyearslaterwouldRussell’swary,hardeneddemeanorfullymakesense.

UnlikeRussell,Cowensdidn’thaveanybaggage.Therewasnothing to figureout,noenigmatobesolved.Thebigredheaddoveforeverylooseball,sprinteddown the court on fast breaks, crashed the offensive boards andmilked everypossible inchofhis talents.Heholleredatofficialswithaboomingvoice thatbellowed to the top rows of theGarden.He punctuated rebounds by gruntingloudlyandkickinghis feet indifferentdirections,whichwouldhavebeenfineexcept thiswas theTightShortsEra,soeveryoneconstantlyworriedabouthisnuts careening out of his shorts like two superballs. When he stomped tomidcourt to jump centerwith the toweringAbdul-Jabbar, his nemesis and the

league’s best player at the time, Cowens always looked like a welterweightpreparing to trade punches with a heavyweight. There was somethingfundamentallyunfairaboutthematchup,likeourrealcenterhadcalledinsick.Then thegamestartedandwe remembered that itwasn’tamismatch.CowensluredKareemawayfromthebasketbydraining18-footers,robbingMilwaukeeof its best shot blocker and rebounder. Defensively, Cowens made up for aneight-inchheightdifferencebywearingKareemdownandmakinghimworkforevery field goal attempt. Over and over again, we’d watch the same bumpydancebetweenthem:Jabbarslinkingtowardhispreferredspotonthelowpost,awild-eyedCowensslamminghischestagainstKareem’sbackanddramaticallyrefusing to yield another inch, finally digging in like aBattle of the NetworkStarscompetitorinthelaststagesofatug-of-war.Maybetheydidn’tmakesenseasrivalsonpaper,buttheybroughtoutthebestineachotherlikeFrazierandAli—Cowens relishing the chance to battle the game’s dominant center, Kareemunable to coast becauseCowens simplywouldn’t allow it—and the ’74Finalsended up being theirThrilla inManila.TheCeltics prevailed in seven games,with the big redhead notching 28 points and 14 rebounds in the clincher. Somuchforthemismatch.5

TheultimateCowensmomenthappenedwhenMikeNewlinfloppedforachargecall against him. You didn’t do these things to Cowens; nobody valued thesanctityofthegamemorethanhedid.6

Heberatedtherefereeunderthebasket,didn’tliketheguy’sresponse,screamedsome more, then whirled around and spotted Newlin dribbling upcourt.Sufficiently enraged, he charged Newlin from behind at a 45-degree angle,loweredhisshoulderlikeafootballsafetyandsentpoorNewlinsprawlingintothepresstableatmidcourt.Watchingitlive(andIhappenedtobethere),itwasa relatively terrifying experience, like being ten feet away in Pamplona as apissed-offbulltargetsanunsuspectingpedestrian.Andthatwasn’teventhebestpart.While pieces ofNewlinwere still rolling around the parquet floor like ashatteredpiggybank,Cowens turned to the same refereeandscreamed,“Nowthat’safuckingfoul!”Soyeah,CowenswaswhiteandRussellwasblack.ButCowenswouldhavebeenworthfourbucksagameifhewerepurple.SameforHavlicek.Becauseofthem,myfatherstumbledintoaCelticsseasonticketandneverlookedback.

Our first seasoncoincidedwith theCelticswinning their first titleof thepost-RusselleraandthesuddenlypromisingSimmonsera.Mymemoriesdon’tkickin until the following year,whenwemoved toChestnutHill (fifteenminutesfromtheGarden)andDadstartedbringingmemoreregularly.Thepeopleinoursectionknewmeasaminiaturesportsencyclopedia,thefloppy-hairedkidwhochewed his nails and whose life revolved around the Boston teams. Beforegames,theGarden’sushersallowedmetostandbehindourbasketontheedgeofthecourt,whereI’dchasedownairballsandtossthembacktomyheroes.Icanstillrememberstandingthere,chewingmynailsandprayingforanairballordeflectedjumpshottocomebouncingtowardme,justsoIcouldgrabitandtoss theballbacktoaCeltic.WhenIsaythiswasthrillingfora littlekid…Imean,youhaveno idea.Thiswas likegoing toDisneyland forty timesayearand cutting the line for every ride. I eventually built up enough courage towanderovertoBoston’sbench7andmakesmalltalkwiththeamusedcoaches,Tommy Heinsohn and John Killilea, leading to a moment before a Buffaloplayoff gamewhen aHeraldAmerican photographer snapped a picture ofmepeering up at an injured JohnHavlicek (wearing a baby blue leisure suit andleaningoncrutches),thensplashedthephotoacrossthefrontpageofitssportssection the following day. 8 By the time I turned six, you can guess whathappened: I consideredmyself amemberof theBostonCeltics.That spawnedmyracialidentitycrisisinthefirstgrade(fullydescribedinmyRedSoxbook)whenIgavemyself theMuslimname“JabaalAbdul-Simmons.”Ididn’tknowanybetter. Iwanted toplayfor theCelticsandmostNBAplayerswereblack.Besides, I hadmore in commonwith them—my favorite sportwas black,myfavoriteplayer (CharlieScott)wasblack,myfavoritecomedians (FlipWilson,JimmieWalker,andReddFoxx)wereblack,mostofmyfavoriteTV

shows (SanfordandSon,The Jefferson,GoodTimes,TheModSquad) starredblacks, and I evenmademymother takeme toRoxbury in1975 to seeKeithWilkes’oneandonlymovie,Cornbread,EarlandMe.9ItpissedmeoffthatIwaswhite.SoImademyfirst-gradeteachercallme“Jabaal,”wrote“Jabaal”onmyhomeworkandtests,coloredmyownfaceindrawings,andthatwasthat.

Meanwhile,the’76Celtswerehangingonforonelastchampionshiprun.SilasandHavlicekhadseenbetterdays.Awashed-upDonNelson—that’sright, the

same guy who later coached Milwaukee and Dallas—was playing with aprotruding potbelly that made him look like the beleagured dad in about tendifferent seventies sitcoms. Every key player (including Cowens and Jo JoWhite, the best guys on the team) had already peaked statistically, only wedidn’thaveyounglegsoffthebenchbecauseAuerbachhaduncharacteristicallybutchered a few draft picks. Golden State looked like the prohibitive favoriteuntil the defending champs self-destructed in Game 7 of the Western Finalsunder bizarre circumstances: in the first fewminutes, Phoenix’sRicky SobersjumpedWarriors starRickBarry and landed a fewpunches before teammatespulledhimoff.10Athalftime,Barry (anotoriousprick)watched the tapeandrealizedhisownteammateshadn’tleapedintosavehim.Fuming,hespitefullyrefused to shoot for most of the second half—no lie, he refused to shoot—playinghotpotatoanytimesomeonepassedhimtheball.Andthat’showa42–40Suns teamadvanced to theFinals,upsetting thedefendingchampson theirhomeflooras theirbestplayerplayedanelaborategameof“effyou”withhisteammates.

SothatwasonebreakfortheCeltics.Theotheronehappenedorganically:thiswasthefinalyearbeforetheABA/NBAmerger,theleague’sweakestseasonfortalent since the Mikan era. For most of the decade, the ABA had beenoverpaying talented prospects from high school and college, including JuliusErving,MauriceLucas,MosesMalone,DavidThompson,andGeorgeGervin,all breathtaking athletes who would have pushed the rigid NBA in a morestimulating direction. Each league offered what the other was lacking: aregimented, physical style highlighted by the selflessness of its players (theNBA) versus a freewheeling, unpredictable style that celebrated individualexpression (the ABA). When the leagues finally merged, three years ofdisjointedbasketballfollowed—team-firstguysawkwardlyblendingtheirtalentswithme-firstguys—untileveryoneworkedoutthekinks,11theleagueaddedathree-pointline,BirdandMagicarrived,andthegamelandedinabetterplace.The’76Celticsweretoooldandslowtomakeitafterthemerger,butwedidn’trealizethatyet.Wealsodidn’trealizethatwhiteguyslikeNelsonhadabetterchanceofeating theshotclock,digesting it, andcrapping itout thanguardingthelikesofErvingandThompson.Thegamewaschanging,onlynobodycouldseeityet.

AfterBostonandPhoenixsplitthefirstfourgamesoftheFinals,Game5startedatnineo’clocktoaccommodatethewishesofCBS,anetworkthatdidn’ttotallycare about the league and had no problem tape-delaying playoff games ormovingthemtowackytimes.KnowwhathappenswhenyoustartthatlateforacrowdofloonyBostonfansduringatimewhenanyonecouldaffordatickettotheNBAFinals?Youendupwiththerowdiest,craziest,drunkestBostoncrowdof all time.With four full hours to get plastered before the game and anotherthreeduring thegame itself,notonlywill thecollectivebloodalcohol levelofthe crowd never be topped, neither will the game. I’d tell you more, but Isnoozed through the fourth quarter, Phoenix’s remarkable comeback, and thefirsttwoovertimes,sprawledacrossmyfatherandthegraciouspeopleoneithersideofhim.12

WithsevensecondsremainingindoubleOT,IawakenedwiththeCeltstrailingbyoneandeveryonestandingforthefinalplay.(Infact,that’swhyIwokeup,because everyone in our section was standing.) Almost on cue, I watchedHavlicekhaulintheinboundspass,careentowardthebasket(dribblingwithhislefthandonabadwheel,noless),thensomehowbrickhomearunningbankeroffthewrongfootjustbeforetimeexpired,leadingtothescariestmomentofmyyoung life: thousands of delirious fans charging the court,withmanyof themleapfroggingpeople inmysectiontoget there.Itwaslikeaprisonriot,onlyabenevolentone.AndIwashalfasleepwhenithappened.

Youknowtherest: theofficialsruledthatonesecondremained,refereeRichiePowersgotattackedbyadrunkenfan,theSunscalledanillegaltime-outtogettheballatmidcourt,JoJodrainedthetechnicalfreethrow,GarHeardmadetheimprobable turnaround to force a thirdOT (I remember thinking itwas a 50-footerat the time), then theCelticsnarrowlyescapedbecauseof the late-gameheroicsofJoJoandanunassumingbenchplayernamedGlennMcDonald.EventhoughIsleptthroughsomeofthebestparts,JabaalAbdul-Simmonsbecamethecoolest kid in school the following day—not just because I attended themostfamousbasketballgameeverplayed,butbecausemyparentsallowedmetostayawakeuntilone-thirtytoseeit.13

Weclinchedthefranchise’sthirteenthchampionshipinPhoenixtwodayslater.

Within two years we devolved into one of the league’s most hapless teams,whichwasn’t necessarily a bad thing for the Simmons family: not only couldDad (barely) afford a second ticket by then, but thanks to a fleeing base ofpayingcustomers, theyupgradedour seat location tomidcourt, rightalongsidetheNancyParishMemorialTunnel (I’llexplain later),whereplayers,coaches,andrefereesenteredandexitedthearena.14MyseathappenedtobetworowsinfrontofDad’sseat—wecouldn’tgettwotogetherunlesswemovedawayfromthetunnel,whichwedidn’twanttodo—butIcouldhopundertherailing,standin the tunnel, and chat with him during time-outs. Even better, a bizarrecollectionofinjuredplayers,old-timers,andmediapersonalitiesgatheredinthetunnel andwatched a quarter or two, leading to one ofmy favorite childhoodmemories:awashed-upMarvin

“Bad News” Barnes standing eighteen inches away from me, milking somebogus injury, wearing a full-lengthmink coat and leaning againstmy railing.Everyfewminutes,afteragoodCelticsplay,he’dnodatmewithoneofthose“Whatitis,TinyWhiteDude!”smilesonhisface.AndsinceIwasn’tovermyracialidentityissuesyet,Ispenttheentiretimemarvelingathiscoatandhopinghe’dlegallyadoptme.Didn’thappen.Althoughwedidhavethisexchange:

ME (finallymusteringup thecourageafter threequarters):Mr.Barnes,whenareyoucomingback?

BAD NEWS (gregarious): Wrgrghjsdhshs nmdmakalkm nbbd jsjajajpldksaksjhj,lil’man!15

heNews only played thirty-eight games for us, but that exchange personifiedeverything.CelticPridehadbeentossedoutthewindowinlessthantwenty-fourmonths.Nelson andHondo retired. Silas and Jo Jowere dumped under bittercircumstances.AmiserableCowenslostsomeofthefirethatmadehimspecial.Heinsohnwascannedsothathecouldrealizehispotentialasthebiggesthomerinthehistoryofsportsannouncing.16Worstofall,AuerbachnearlyjumpedtotheKnicksafterownerJohnY.Brownrecklesslytradedthreefirst-roundersforBobMcAdoowithout tellingRedfirst. In theolddays,headcases likeBarnes

andMcAdooneverwouldhavesniffedtheCeltics.Wehadbecomejustanotherstruggling team in a struggling league, adesperate franchisemakingdesperatemovesandsearchingforanidentity.Then,justasquickly,everythingchanged.AuerbachwonthepowerstrugglewithJohnY.,17draftedLarryBirdasajunioreligiblein1978,andhadtheforesighttowaitayearforBirdtograduatefromIndiana State. 18 Even as the franchisewas going to hell, we had a potentialsavior on the horizon.Following an acrimonious contract dispute,Bird signedfor a then-record five-year $3.25 million deal, strolled into camp, andtransformed a 29-win laughingstock into a 60-win juggernaut within a fewweeks.As far as reclamationprojects go, it happened evenmorequickly thanSwayze cleaning up theDoubleDeuce (andwe didn’t even have to hire SamElliott).Wemattered again.LarryLegendwould capture three championshipsandthreeMVPawards,helpsavetheNBAandbecomethemostpopularBostonathlete ever.During that same time, I hit puberty, graduated fromhigh schoolandcollege,andstartedlivinginBostononmyown.BythetimeBird’scareerendedin1992,mylifewasjustbeginning.

Now…

Consider the odds. From the time I could walk, my love for playing andfollowingsportsdwarfedeverythingelse.Idevelopedaspecialconnectionwithbasketballbecausemyfatherboughtasingleseasonticketonlyaftermymothervetoedhismotorcyclecareer.Aftercatchingtwotitlesinourfirstthreeyears,acalamitous chain of events crippled the franchise and frightened off so manyfans that my dad and I leapfrogged into the best possible seats in the bestbasketball arena in the world, and as if that weren’t enough, our seats gotupgradedrightbeforeoneofthefivegreatestplayerseverjoinedtheteam.Thiswasn’t just a lucky chain of events; this was like winning the lottery threedifferent times, or better yet, like Justin Timberlake banging Britney Spears,JessicaBiel,Scarlett Johansson, andCameronDiaz in their primes, only if hehad added Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie, and Katie Holmes19 for goodmeasure. I spent my formative years studying the game of basketball withProfessorBird and relishing every subtle nuance thatwentwith it. Therewassomething contagious about watching someone constantly look for the extrapass;byosmosis,his teammatesbecame justasunselfish,evenpotentialblack

holes like McHale and Parish. It was like watching a group of relativelyhumorless guys spend time with an inordinately funny guy; invariably theinordinatelyfunnyguyraiseseveryoneelse’scomedyIQ.20WhenyouwatchedBirdlongenough,youstartedtoseetheangleshewasseeing;insteadofreactingtowhathadjusthappened,youreactedtotheplayasitwashappening.There’sMcHalecutting to thebasket, I seehim,gethimtheball, there it is…Layup!Birdgaveusacollectivesixthsense,amoresophisticatedwayofappreciatingthesport.Itwasagift.That’swhatitwas.

Andthat’swhyyou’rereadingthisbook.Igrewupwatchingbasketballplayedtherightway.Guyslookingfortheopenman.Guysmakingtheextrapass.Guysgivingtheirbestandcomingthroughinbigmoments.BythetimeBirdretired,Ihad earnedmyPh.D. in hoops.Whenyour favorite team lands a transcendentplayerinyourformativeyears—MagicontheLakers,M.J.ontheBulls,Elwayon theBroncos,Gretzkyon theOilers,orwhomever—it really is likewinningthelottery.Eventwentyyearslater,IcanrattleoffclassicBirdmomentslikeI’mrattling off moments from my own life. Like the time he sprang for 60 asAtlanta’sscrubsexchangedhighfivesontheirbench,21orthetimehedropped42 on Dr. J in less than three quarters, frustrating Doc to the point that theystarted strangling eachother atmidcourt. 22 I have ahundredof them.Bird’sgreatestmomentsalsobecamesomeofmine.Funnyhowsportsworkthatway.Ifindmyselfmissing thosebuzzworthyBirdmomentsmoreandmore, theoneswhere everyone in theGarden collectively realized at the same time, “Uh-oh,something magical could happen here.” Suddenly there would be a steadymurmurinthearenathatresembledtheelectricityrightbeforearockconcertora championship fight. 23 As soon as you felt the buzz, you knew somethingspecial was in the works. You probably think I’m a raving lunatic, but I’mtellingyou,anyonewhoattendedthosegamesknowsexactlywhatI’mtryingtodescribe.Youcouldfeelitintheair:Larry’stakingover.

For nearly all of his first two seasons (’80 and ’81), there was a barelyperceptibledistancebetweenBirdandBostonfans,awallerectedfromhisendthatwecouldn’tbreakthrough.Painfullyshywiththepress,noticeablyunsettledby prolonged ovations, Bird carried himself like a savant of sorts, someoneblessedwithprodigiousgiftsforbasketballandlittleelse.Thiswasamanwho

didn’tmind that one of his nicknameswas “theHick fromFrenchLick.”Weassumedthathewasdumb,thathecouldn’texpresshimself,thathedidn’treallycareabout thefans, thathe justwanted tobe leftalone.Thischangednear theend ofGame 7 of the Eastern Finals, the final act of a remarkable comebacktrilogy against Philly. Unequivocally and unquestionably, it’s the greatestplayoffserieseverplayed:two60-winteamsandheatedrivals,loadedrostersonboth sides, 24 two of the greatest forwards ever in starring roles, four gamesdecidedon the finalplay, theCelticswinning three straight eliminationgamesby a total of four points. Everything peaked in Game 7, a fiercely contestedbattle in which the referees tucked away their whistles and allowed things tomorph into an improbable cross between basketball and rugby.You know theoldsaying

“There’snolovelostbetweenthesetwoteams”?ThatwasGame7.Ifyoudrovetothebasketforalayupordunk,youweregettingdeckedlikeawidereceivergoingover themiddle. If you snuckbehind abigguy topotentially swipehisrebound,youweretakinganelbowinthechops.Ifyourecklesslydribbledintotraffichopingforabailoutcall,betterlucknexttime.Ifyoucrossedthelineandwenttoofar,theotherplayerstookcareofyou.Thiswasaman’sgame.You’dneverseesomethinglikeittoday.Ever.

Meanwhile,thefansweren’tevenfansanymore,morelikeRomanscheeringforgladiators in the Colosseum. Leading by one in the final minute, Philly’sDawkins plowed toward the basket, got leveled by Parish and McHale, andwhippedanuglyshotoffthebackboardashecrashedtothefloor.Birdhauleddownthereboundintraffic,dribbledoutofanabyssofbodies(includingthreestrewnonthefloor,almostlikethefinalsceneofRollerball),andpushedtheballdown the court, ultimately stopping on a dime and banking a 15-footer thatprettymuch collapsed the roof. Philly called time as Larry pranced down thefloor—arms still raised, soaking in the cheers—before finally unleashing anexaggerated,sweepingfistpump.Birdneveracknowledgedthecrowd;thiswasthe first hint of emotion from him. He finally threw us a bone. We wentabsolutely ballistic and roared through the entire time-out, drowning out theorganmusicandcheeringourselveswhenthehornsignaledtheplayerstoreturntothefloor.25WhentheCelticsprevailedonabotchedalley-oopandeveryonecharged the floor,Bird remained there fora fewsecondsatmidcourt, jumpingup and down like a schoolgirl, holding his head in disbelief as fans swarmed

him.Of all the great victories from theBird era, that’s the only nontitle timewhere Boston fans loitered outside the Garden for hours afterward, honkinghorns,exchanginghighfivesandhugs,chanting

“Phil-leesucks!”andturningCausewayintoBourbonStreet.WewantedBirdtobethenextRussell,thenextOrr,thenextHavlicek.Forthefirsttime,itlookedlikehemightgetthere.

Nothingthatfollowedwasasurprise:Bird’sfirstchampionshipin’81;hisfirstMVP award in ’84; hismemorable butt-kicking ofBernard and theKnicks inGame 7 of the Eastern Semifinals; and then a grueling victory over thedespicable Lakers in the ’84 Finals that featured the definitive Larryperformance,Game5,whenitwas96degreesoutsideand296degreesinsideaGarden that didn’t have air-conditioning. Fanswere passing out in the stands.Well-dressed housewives were wiping sweaty makeup off their brows.26 FatIrish guys had armpit stains swelling on their greenCelticsT-shirts. Even thedehydrated Lakers team couldn’t wait to get back to California; Kareem andWorthy were sucking from oxygen masks during time-outs. Of course, Birdabsolutely loved the ruthless conditions, ending up with 34 points and 17reboundsashisoverheatedminionsrootedhimon.AsBirdwasfinishingthemoffinthefourth,theLakerscalledtimeandM.L.CarrstartedfanningBirdwithatowel…andLarryjustshovedhimaway,insulted.LikeM.L.wasruiningthemomentforhim.ImaginebreakingdowninDeathValleyona110-degreeday,onlyifyouweretrappedinsideyourcarwithseventeenotherpeople.That’showhottheGardenwasthatnight,onlywedidn’tcare.AllweknewwasthatBirdwasGod, theLakerswerewilting likepussies,andwewerepartof thewholething.Weweresweating,too.

Those were the games when Bird and the Garden worked like Lennon andMcCartneytogether.CanyouimaginehimplayingintheTDBank-northGardenand looking mildly appalled during a time-out as dance music blared andovercaffeinatedflunkiesfiredT-shirtsintothecrowdwithcannons?Meneither.When the Bird era crested in 1986, it was the ultimate marriage of the rightcrowd and the right team: a 67-win machine that finished 50–1 at home

(including playoffs). Remember the scene in Hoosiers right after JimmyChitwoodmadethe“Iplay,Coachstays”

speech and joined the team,when theyhad that inspiring “this team’s comingtogether”montage?

That’swhateveryhomegamefeltlike.TheseasonendedwithBirdwalkingoffthefloorinGame6oftheFinals,freshoffdemolishingtheRocketswithatripledouble, his jersey drenchedwith sweat and the crowd screaming in delight. Itwas perfect. Everything about that season was perfect. And to think my dadcouldhaveboughtthatstupidmotorcycle.

Onlyonequestionremained:howmanymorememorableyearsdidBirdhaveinhim?Duringhisapexin’86and’87,heincreasedhistrash-talking(nobodywasbetter)27 and started fooling around during games (including one time inPortlandwhen he decided to shoot everything left-handed), like hewas boredandkeptuppingthestakestochallengehimself.Therewasthefamousstoryofthe first three-point shootout, when he walked into the locker room and toldeveryone they were playing for second. Or the time he told Seattle’s XavierMcDanielexactlywherehewasshootingagame-winningshot,thenliveduptothepromisebynailingajumperrightinX-Man’smug.Youcouldfillanentiredocumentarywith those anecdotes; that’swhatNBAEntertainment eventuallydidbyproducingLarryBird:ABasketballLegend.28Asthegame-winnersandstorieskeptpilingup,number33movedontoBoston’sMountRushmorewithOrr,Williams, andRussell.We thought he could do anything.We thought hewasasuperhero.Whentheyannouncedthestartinglineupsbeforegames,BirdcamelastandhisintroductionwasalwaysdrownedoutbyanunwrittenrulethatallCelticsfansscreamedatthetopoftheirlungsassoonasweheardthewords,“Andattheotherforward,fromIndianaSta…”Wedidn’tcheerhimasmuchaswereveredhim.

WhenLennyBiasoverdosedtwodaysafterthe1986draft,Birdlosttheyoungteammatewhowould have extended his career, assumed some of the scoringloadandreducedhisminutes.Theman’sbodybetrayedhiminhiswaningyears,worn down by too many charges taken, too many hard fouls, and too many

reckless dives for loose balls. Hobbled by faulty heels and a ravaged back,stymiedbyawaveofathleticblackforwardsthatwereslowlymakingtheKellyTripuckasandKikiVandeweghesobsolete29—guysBirdalways feastedon inthe past, by the way—poor Bird could barely drag his crippled body up anddownthecourt.Hewasdoingitallonmemoryandadrenaline.Duringhisfinaltwoseasons(’91and’92),he’dmissthreeorfourweeksoftheschedule,spendnightsinthehospitalintractiontoresthisback,thenreturnwithacumbersomebackbrace likenothinghappened.30Invariably,he’daddanothergametohisESPNClassicresume.LikethefamousGame5againstIndianain’91,whenhebanged his head against the floor, returnedWillisReed-style, then carried theCelts past thePacers.Or the 49-point outburst against theBlazers on nationalTV,whenthecrowdchanted,“Lar-ree!Lar-ree!”beforeheobligedwithagame-tying three in regulation. This was like watching Bird karaoke. Everythingcrestedduringahomeplayoffgameagainst the’91Pistons,whenastrugglingBirdcouldn’tgetanythinggoing,thenanactualbirdflewoutoftheraftersandhalted play by parking itself defiantly atmidcourt. The crowd recognized theironyandimmediatelystartingchanting,“Lar-ree!Lar-ree!Lar-ree!”

For theonly time in theentire series,ourcrippledherocamealive.Hestartedhitting jumpers, a bunch of them, and the Celtics pulled away for a crucialvictory.AswejoyouslyfiledoutoftheGarden,myfatheraskedme,“Didthatreallyjusthappen?”

Itdid.Ithink.

When Bird finally retired in ’92, it happened for the right reasons: his bodycouldn’thandleanNBAscheduleanymore.UnlikeMagic,henevercamebackor loweredhimself to anOld-TimersGame.31Unlike Jordan, he neverwouldhavetoiledawayonamediocreteampasthisprime.Hewalkedawayandstayedaway.TheCelticsneverrecovered.Actually,that’sanunderstatement.Biashadgotten the ball rolling, but when Bird retired, the Celtics passed away andbecamesomethingelse.ThenReggieLewisdroppeddead,andMcHaleretired,and theGardengotknockeddown,andM.L.Carr screwed thingsup,andwelost theDuncan lottery,andRickPitinoscrewed thingsup,andChrisWallacescrewedthingsup,andDannyAingescrewedthingsup,andsomewhereduring

thattorturousstretchtheCelticsstoppedbeingtheCeltics.Threedifferenttimesafter Bird hung up his Converse Weapons, my father nearly gave up hissuddenlyexpensiveseatsandcouldn’tdo it.After the2007Celticsshamefullytankedtheirwayto61lossesandstillcouldn’tlandKevinDurantorGregOden,the team sent him a 2007–8 bill formidcourt seats priced at $175 per ticket.Yup,thesamepriceforasingleseasonticketin1974couldn’tcoverhalfofonegame in 2008. Nobodywould have blamed Pops for cutting ties after such amiserableseason;therewasoneweekwherehenearlypulledthetrigger.Intheend, he couldn’t walk away. Had he given up those tickets and watched theCelticsturnthingsaroundfromafar,heneverwouldhaveforgivenhimself.SoDad renewed and hoped for the fifteenth straight spring that one lucky breakwould launch us back to prominence, whether it was a trade, a draft pick orBrian Scalabrine developing superhuman powers after being exposed to anuclear reactor. He hoped for another game like the famous Bird-Dominiqueduel,32whenLarryhadcomethroughenoughtimesthatyoucouldliterallyfeelitcomingbeforeithappened.Afterthatmasterpieceofasportingevent—really,itwasalifeexperience—weweretoowiredtoheadrighthome,sowefoundanice

cream shop called Bailey’s in Wellesley and ordered a couple of hot fudgesundaes. Idon’t thinkwesaidanythingfor twentysolidminutes.Wejustkepteating icecreamandshakingourheads.Whatcouldyousay?Howcouldyouputsomethinglikethatintowords?Wewerespeechless.Weweredrained.Wewerelucky.

Youcan’twalkawayfromthepotentialofmoreBailey’smoments,eveniftheNBAstacksheavyoddsagainstsuchblisshappeningformorethanthreeorfourfranchises at the same time. Once the league expanded to thirty teams, luckbecameagreaterfactorthaneverbefore.Youneedluckinthelottery,luckwithyoungplayers, luckwith trades, luckwith everything.Phoenix landedAmar’eStoudemireonlybecauseeightotherteamspassedonhim.PortlandlandedGregOdenwhen they had 5.3 percent odds of getting the first pick. Dallas landedDirkNowitzkibecauseMilwaukeethoughtitwouldbeagoodideatotradehisrights for Robert Traylor. NewOrleans landed Chris Paul only because threeteamsstupidlypassedonhim.Shit,evenAuerbachlandedBirdbecauseofluck.FiveteamscouldhavedraftedhimbeforeBostonandallfivepassed.That’sthe

NBA. You need to be smart and lucky. When Lewis passed away sevensummersafterBias’

tragicdeath,theCelticsstoppedbeingluckyanddefinitelystoppedbeingsmart.Thatdidn’tstopmyfatherfromsteadfastlyrenewingthoseticketseverysummerwithhis fingerscrossed,hoping thingswouldsomehowrevert to theway theywere.

Asstrangeas thissounds, it’smorepainful to livethehighlifeasabasketballfanandloseitthantoneverlivethathighlifeatall.Imagineabasketballteamasan airplane—if you never flew first class, youwouldn’t knowwhat youweremissingevery timeyoucrammedyourself intocoach.Butwhat ifyouspentafewyears travelingfirstclass, recliningyourseatall theway, relishing the legroom,sippingcomplimentaryhigh-enddrinks,eatingsteakandwarmchocolatechipcookies,sittingnearcelebritiesandtrophywivesandfeelinglikeaprince?Headbacktocoachafterthatandyou’rethinking,“Wow,thissucks!”theentiretime.Well, that’s what an income tax refund bought my father in 1973: tworemarkabledecadesofbasketball,aboatloadofhappymemories, fortyor fiftypotentiallysplendidnightsayear,andjustwhenyouthoughtitcouldn’tgetanybetter,achancetofollowtheentirecareerofoneofthegreatestplayersever…and after everything slowed down and the Celtics downgraded from first tocoach,thehopeagainsthopethatitwasatemporarysetbackandwemightgetupgradedagain.Evenif itmeantpayingfirst-classpricesforcoachseatseveryyear,myfatherdidn’tcare.Hewasreadytogetinvitedtothefrontoftheplaneagain.Hewouldalwaysbeready.

Thedecisionwasmade:Everyspring,hewouldkeeppayingthatbill.

Nomatterwhat.

Foranyonewhodidn’t seeBird inhisprime—orMagic,or Jordan,or the ’70

Knicks,orthe’01

Lakers, or any other magical player or team that resonated with fans—it’sdifficult tocomprehend themeaningof thoseprevious threeparagraphsunlessyou lived through them. Bird’s impact eroded over time, something thatinevitablyhappenstoeverygreatathleteonceheorsheretires.33

Storiesandanecdotesendure,asdoYouTubeclipsandESPNClassiccameos,butcollectively,it’sneverenough.Inthespringof2007,IstumbledacrossNBATV’s replay of Havlicek’s farewell game, which was showing on a Sundaymorningwhen theonlypeoplewatchingwereprobablymeand theHavliceks.Twothingsstoodoutaboutthatgame.First,theopeningtip-offwasdelayedforeightandahalfminutesbecauseCelticsfanswouldn’tstopcheeringafterHondowasintroduced.Let’sseethathappenin2009with…anyone.34Andsecond,according to CBS’ ancient-looking halftime graphics, Havlicek’s statisticalresumeonApril9,1978,lookedlikethis:

Mostgamesplayed(1,269)

Mostplayoffgamesplayed(172)

Onlyplayertoscore1,000pointsinsixteenstraightseasons

Thirdincareerscoring(26,895points)

Secondincareerminutesplayed(46,407)

Seeing those numbers three decades later, my gast was flabbered. Yeah, IrememberedHondocarryingustothe’76championship,andIrememberedthathewasoneofthebestplayersofhistime,aphysicalfreakofnature,someonewho routinely played 42 to 44minutes a nightwithout tiring. Throughout hisfinalseason,Irecallopposingteamsshoweringhimwithgiftsateverystop.35But third in scoring, second in minutes, and first in games played? JohnHavlicek?IdidsomediggingandfoundthatHondomadethirteenstraightAll-Star teams, four All-NBA first teams, and seven All-NBA second teams; heplayedforeighttitleteamsandwonthe1974FinalsMVP;andheearnedoneof

11 spots on the NBA’s thirty-fifth-anniversary team in 1980. To this day, heranks tenth in points, eighth inminutes and seventh in playoff points.By anymeasurement,heremainsoneofthetwentybestplayersever.Butifyouaskedahundred die-hardNBA fans under thirty to name their top twenty, howmanywouldnameHavlicek?Three?Five?Shit,howmanyof themcouldevenspell“Havlicek”?

Whichbegsthequestion:doesgreatnesshaveashelflife?

A few weeks after that Havlicek telecast, young LeBron James dropped 48pointsonDetroittosinglehandedlysavetheCavs-Pistonsseries(aswellasthe’07playoffs,whichwereon lifesupport).Clearly, somethingmonumentalhadhappened:notonlydidMarvAlbertblesstheperformanceasoneofthegreatestinplayoffhistory,butitfeltlikeatippingpointforLeBron’scareer,thenighthetapped into his considerable gifts and lifted himself to another level. Whentalking heads, columnists, bloggers, and fans raced to put the night intoperspective, for once the hyperbole seemed justified.More than a few peopleplayedthe“MJwasgreat,butheneverhadagamelikethat”card,asifJordan’sremarkablecareerhadtobedemeanedforeveryonetofullyrespectwhatLeBronhad accomplished. In my ESPN.com column the following day, I wrote thatJordanneverphysicallyoverpoweredanopponentthewayLeBronram-shackledthePistons,comparingittoBoJacksonwreakinghavocinhisprime.

By the weekend, after everyone had calmed down about the “48 Special,” Ifound myself recalling some of Jordan’s killer moments—how he coldlydestroyedDrexlerinthe’92Finals,howheprevailedagainsttherugbytacticsofRiley’s Knicks, how he stole Game 7 against the ’98 Pacers by repeatedlygettingto theline,howheendedhisChicagocareerwiththeincredible layup-steal-jumpersequenceinUtah—andregrettingthat,likenearlyeveryoneelse,Ihadfallenintothe“let’sdegradetheoldguytocoronatethenewguy”trap.Ihadalwaysswornnevertodothat.OneofmyfavoritebooksisWaitTillNextYear,in which a sports columnist (Mike Lupica) and a Hollywood screenwriter(WilliamGoldman)tradechaptersaboutaparticularlycrazyyearinNewYork

sports.Writing fromthe fan’sperspective,Goldmansubmittedan impassioneddefenseofWiltChamberlain’slegacycalled“TotheDeath,”oneofmyfavoritepiecesandamajorinfluenceonthisbook.AccordingtoGoldman,greatathletesfadefrommemorynotbecausethey’resurpassedbybetteronesbutbecauseweforgetaboutthemorourmemoriesaretaintedbythingsthathavenothingtodowiththeircareer(likeBillRussellbeingalousyannouncerorO.J.beingalousyex-husband). Here’s the killer excerpt: “The greatest struggle an athleteundergoes is the battle for ourmemories. It’s gradual. It begins before you’reaware that it’s begun, and it endswith a terrible fall fromgrace. It really is abattletothedeath.”

Thispiecewaspublishedin1988,backwhenBirdandMagicwereattheheightoftheirsuperpowersandJordanwasnearingthesamebreakthroughthatLeBroneventuallyenjoyedinDetroit.Alreadysaddenedthatwewouldbepokingholesinthemsomeday,Goldmanpredicted,

“BirdandMagic’stimeiscoming.It’seasybeingfansoftheirsnow.Justwait.Giveitadecade.”

Thenhewroteanentiremockparagraphoffanspickingaparttheirgamesintheyear 2000, complaining that Magic couldn’t guard anyone and Bird was tooslow.Heendedwiththismockquote:“Sure[Bird]wasgood,andsowasMagic—but they couldn’t play today.”Maybe it hasn’t happenedyet becauseof theuniquenessof theirgames, thesymmetryof theircareers,and thewhole“BirdandMagicsavedtheNBA”myth(we’llgetthere).ButwithJordan?It’salreadyhappening.Asrecentlyas1998,wecollectivelyagreedJordanwasthegreatestplayerwewouldeversee.Thatdidn’tstopusfromquicklytryingtoreplacehimwithGrantHill(didn’ttake),KobeBryant(didn’ttake),LeBronJames(taking),andKobeagain(tookforalittlewhileuntilthe’08

Finals,thenstoppedtaking).Everyone’swillingnesstodumpJordanforLeBronin 2007was genuinely perplexing. Yeah, the “48 Special” was amagnificentsportingevent,butitpaledincomparisonwithatwenty-year-oldMagicjumpingcenter inPhilly inplaceofan injuredKareem,playingfivepositions,slappingupa42–15–7,andwilling theLakers to the1980title. If thathappenedtoday,pieces of Skip Bayless’ head would be scattered across the entire town ofBristol.36

Sowhatmakesuscontinuallypumpup thepresentat theexpenseof thepast?Goldmanbelievedthateveryerais“soarrogant[and]sodismissive,”andagainhe was right, although that arrogance/dismissiveness isn’t entirely intentional.We’d like to believe that our current stars are better than the guys we oncewatched.Why?Because thesinglebest thingaboutsports is theunknown.It’smore fun to think about what could happen thanwhat already happened.Weknowwewon’t see anotherBirdorMagic;we already stopped looking.Theywere toounique.ButJordan…thatone isconceivable.Wemightseeanotherhypercompetitive,unfathomablygiftedshootingguardreachhispotentialinourlifetime.Wemight.Soit’snotthatwewantLeBrontobejustasgoodasMJ;weneedhimtobebetterthanMJ.WealreadydidtheMJthing.Whowantstorentthesamemovietwice?WewantLeBrontotakeustoaplacewehaven’tbeen.It’sthesamereasonweconvincedourselvesthatShaqwasbetterthanWiltandNash was better than Cousy.We didn’t know these things for sure. We justwantedthemtobetrue.

There’s a simpler reasonwhywe’re incapableof appreciating thepast.As theHavlicek broadcast proved to me, it’s easy to forget anything if you stopthinking about it long enough, even something as fundamentally ingrained inyour brain as “My favorite basketball team employed one of the best twentyplayers ever when I was a little kid and I watched him throughout mychildhood.”Onceuponatime, theBostonGardenfanscheeredHondofor510seconds.AndIwasthere.Iwasinthebuilding.Icheeredforeveryoneofthose510secondsand itwas theonlyhappymemoryof thatentirecrummyseason.Butthat’sthefunnythingaboutnoise:eventuallyitstops.

So that’swhat this book is about: capturing that noise, sorting through all thebullshitandfiguringoutwhichplayersandteamsandstoriesshouldliveon.It’salso about the NBA, how we got here, and where we’re going. It’s way tooambitiousandIprobablyshouldhavestucktoanoutline,butscrewit—bytheendofthebook,itwillallmakesense.Iswear.JustknowthatI’mgettingolderandthedepreciationofsportsmemoriesbothersmemorethanIeverthoughtitwould…

especiallyinbasketball,asportthatcannotbegraspedthroughstatisticsalone.Iwantedtowritedownmymemories,thoughtsandopinionsbeforeIforgetthem.Or before I get killed by a T-shirt cannon during a Clippers game.Whatevercomesfirst.

Take Bird, for instance. In the big scheme of things, number 33 was anextremely tall and well-coordinated guy who did his job exceptionally well.That’s it. You can’t call him a superhero because he wasn’t saving lives ormakingtheworldabetterplace.Atthesametime,hepossessedheroicqualitiesbecause everyone in New England bought into his invincibility. He camethroughtoomanytimesforus.Afterawhile,westartedexpectinghimtocomethrough,andwhenhestillcamethrough,that’swhenwewerehookedforgood.I know this was the case because I lived through his prime—whether I havedevelopedenoughcredibilityinyoureyesasabasketballthinkerisuptoyou37—but I’m telling you, that’s how Boston fans felt in the spring of 1987.Unfortunately, you can’t glance throughBird’s career statistics in theOfficialNBARegisterandfindthestatisticfor“mosttimesthefansexpectedtheirbestplayer to come throughandheactuallydid.”Sohere’s a story abouthismostmemorablegame-winningshot,ashotthatdidn’tactuallygoin.

AfterwinningthreeMVPawards,theLegendwasrattlingoffthegreatestrunofhiscareerinthespringof’87,singlehandedlydragginganagingrosterthroughthreepunishingroundsdespiteabrokenfootforMcHale(gamelykeptplaying),injuriestoBillWaltonandScottWedman(bothout),aswellassprainedanklesforParishandAinge(playinghurt).Um,thosewereonlyfiveofthebestsevenguysontheteam.WhenwewerefinishedinthewaningsecondsofGame5oftheEasternFinals,BirdsavedtheseasonwithhisfamousstealfromIsiah,whichremainstheloudestIeverheardtheGardeninmylife,theonlytimeIremembertheupperbalconyactuallyswayingbecauseeveryonewasjumpingupanddownin sheer delight. That’s the great thing about sports: when you hope forsomethingimprobabletohappen,4,999timesoutof5,000itneverhappens,butthenthere’sthe5,000thtime,andforGod’ssake,ithappens.ThatwastheBirdsteal.Twogameslater,hefinishedDetroitwithavarietyofbackbreakingshotsdownthestretch,includingaludicrous15-footleftybankerthathadtobeseento be believed. 38 At this point, we were convinced that Bird couldn’t be

stopped.Hejustkeptraisinghisgametoanotherlevel;howhighcouldhego?Downbyoneinthefinal30secondsofamust-winGame4,theCelticstriedtorunaplayforBird,butJamesWorthysmotheredhimandheldhisjerseytokeephimclose.39SomehowtheballrotatedaroundandbacktoBird’sside.WorthystupidlylefthimtojumpoutonDennisJohnson,leavingtheLegendopeninthecornerforasplitsecond.

(Insertsoundoffifteenthousandpeoplegaspingoutloud.)

DJ swung the ball toBird,who planted his feet and launched a three right infrontoftheLakers’

bench.

(Insertsoundoffifteenthousandpeoplepleading,“Threeeeeeeeeee…”)Swish.

(Insert sound of fifteen thousand people screaming, “Hrrrrrrrrrrr-aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!”)

IftheystoppedthegamerightthereandannouncedthatBirdwouldwalkacrosstheCharlesRiver,notonlywouldIhavebeenthefirstkidthere,Iwouldhavebroughtmycamera.Westoodandcheeredandscreamedandstompedourfeetthroughtheentiretime-out,neverthinkingwewouldblowthegameafterwhatwe had just witnessed. The Lakers ran their patented “let’s get the ball toKareemandtherefswillbailhimout”playandgothimtothefreethrowline.Hemade the firstandmissed thesecond, leading toanegregiousno-call fromEarl Strom where Mychal Thompson slammed into McHale and Parish andcausedthemtoknockthereboundoutofbounds.Lakersball.Thatopenedthedoor for Magic’s spine-crushing baby sky hook that McHale would haveblocked ifhewasn’tplayingona freakingbroken foot. (Sorry, I’mstillbitter.

Really, really bitter.)Now therewere just two ticks left on the clock and theLakerswerejumpingaroundandblowingeachother…butwestillhadThirty-three.EveryoneinthebuildingknewLarrywasgettingtheball.Everyoneinthebuildingknewwewerestillalive.

Sowhathappens?TheLakerssticktwoguysonBird.Somehow,hebreaksfreeatmidcourt(seriously,howthehelldoesthishappen),slidesdownthesideline,grabstheinboundspass,controlshismomentumlongenoughtosethisfeetforasplitsecondrightinfrontofRiley,steadieshisupperbodyforananosecond,andlaunchesawide-openthreeinfrontoftheLakersbench.Atthatprecisemoment,standing in frontofmy seat atmidcourtwithpeeprobablydrippingdownmyleg,Iwouldhavebetanythingthattheshotwasrippingthroughthenet.Iwouldhavebetmybaseballcardcollection.IwouldhavebetmyIntellivision.Iwouldhavebetmyvirginity.40 Iwouldhavebetmy life.Even theLakersprobablythoughtitwasgoingin.WatchthetapeandyouwillnoticeLakersbackupWesMatthews crouched on the floor and screaming behind Bird in sheer,unadulteratedterrorlikehe’sabouttowatchsomeonegetmurderedinahorrormovie.Youwillhearthefansemitsomesortofstrange,one-of-a-kindshriekingnoise,agaspingsoundlooselytranslatedas,“Holyshit,weareabouttowitnessthe greatest basketball shot ever!”Hell, you can freeze the tape on the framebeforetheballstrikestherim.Itlookslikeit’sgoingin.Itshouldhavegonein.

Itdidn’tgoin.

WhenBirdreleasedtheshot,hisbodywasmovingdirectlybetweenmeandthebasket;youcouldhavedrawnastraightlineoverthearcoftheballandextendeditoverBird’sheadrighttome.Twodecadeslater,Icanstillseethatmoonshotsoaringthroughtheaironadirectline—itwasdead-on—knowingimmediatelythat ithadachance, thenfeelinglikeMikeTysonhadflooredmewithabodypunchwhen the ball caught the back of the rim.Birdmissed it by a fraction,maybethelengthofafingernail.Itcouldn’thavebeencloser.Youcannotcomeclosertomakingabasketballshotwithoutactuallymakingtheshot.41

Here’s what I remember most. Not the sound in the Garden (a gasp ofanticipationgivingway to aprolongedgroan, followedby themost deafeningsilence imaginable),42 or the jubilant Lakers skipping off the court like theyweresplittingawinningPowerballtickettwelveways(theyknewhowfortunatethey were), or even the shocked faces of the people around me (everyonestandinginplace,mouthsagape,staringatthebasketindisbelief).Nope.ItwasLarry.As the shotbouncedaway,he froze fora split secondandstaredat thebasket in disbelief even as the Lakers celebrated behind him. Just like us, hecouldn’tbelieveit.

Theballwassupposedtogoin.

The split second passed and Bird joined the cluttered group of players andcoaches leaving the floor.When hewalked through the tunnel byme andmyfather,heseemedjustasconfusedasanyone.43Therestofusremainedinourseats, shell-shocked, trying to regroup for thewalkoutside, unable to come togripswith thefact that theCelticshadlost. IfyousawSavingPrivateRyan inthe theater, do you remember how every paying customer was paralyzed andcouldn’tbudgeas the finalcredits started to roll?That’swhat theGardenwaslike.People couldn’tmove.Peoplewere stuck to their seats like flypaper.Wewentthroughthesevenstagesofgriefintwominutes,includingmyfather,whowasslumpedinhisseat likehehadjustbeenassassinated.Hewasn’tshowinganyinklingofgettingup.EvenwhenIsaidtohim,“Hey,Pops,let’sgetoutofhere,”hedidn’tbudge.

Afewmoresecondspassed.Finally,myfatherlookedatme.

“Thatwassupposedtogoin,”hegroaned.“Howdidthatnotgoin?”

Morethantwenty-twoyearshavepassedsincethatnight…andIstilldon’thave

ananswerforhim.Foreverythingelse,Ihaveanswers.

Ithink.

1.That’s the firstofabout300unprovokedshotsatKareem in thisbook. Justwarningyounow.Kareemwasaninny.

2.TheC’splayedsixhomegamesinHartfordeachyearinamisguidedefforttoexpandtheirNewEnglandfanbase.Theexperimentendedinthelate’80swhentheyrealizedthreethings:theplayershatedtravelingfor47gamesayear,theycouldmakemoremoneyplaying at home, andmost important, itwas fuckingHartford.

3.We’llbereferringtotheBostonGardenas“theGarden”andMadisonSquareGardenas“MSG”

forthisbook.Why?Becauseit’smybook.

4. Boston’s deep-seated racial issues bubbled to the surface one year later,thankstoadivisivedecisiontoproactivelyintegrateBoston’spublicschoolsandalltheuglinessthatfollowed.Although,lookingback,itwasprobablyaredflagthatReggieSmithandJimRiceweretheonlyblackguysontheRedSoxforlike40yearsandeverybodywasfinewiththis.5.BothguyshadadefiningmomentinGame6:Kareemdrained a clutch skyhook to saveMilwaukee’s season indoubleOT,andCowensstrippedOscarRobertsonandskidded20feetalongthefloorgoing for theball.Noclipdefinedaplayermore than thatone,with thepossibleexceptionofthe340times(andcounting)thatVinceCarterwentdowninaheaplikehe’dbeenshot.Bytheway,ifyouthinkKareemisgoingtotakeabeatinginthisbook,waituntilwegettoVince.

6.After the ’76 season,Cowens took a leaveof absence and found a job at alocalraceway,wherehehadanofficeandeverything.Thenhecamebackatthe32-game mark like nothing ever happened. Later, it came out during the ’77playoffsthatCowenshadbeenspendingnightsdrivingacabaroundBostonandcollectingfares.Thefunnythingis,you’rereadingthisrightnowconvincedthatI’mjoking.Nope.WeneedtoredoCowens’careerintheInternetera—imagine

messageboardthreadswithtitleslike“DaveCowenspickedmeupinacablastnight!”

7.Yes,onceuponatime,alittlekidcouldwanderontothecourtbeforegames,standnexttothehometeam’sbench,andtalktothecoachesandplayers.Sigh.

8. My dad bought something like 30 papers and did everything but hit ourneighborsovertheheadwiththepicture.Hewouldhavebeenagreatstagedad.

9. Wilkes played Cornbread, a high school star gunned down in the movie.Whenthemurdersceneleftmebawling,mymomwasrelievedbecauseshehadbeen worried we might not make it out of the theater alive. She claims thateveryone was pissed we were there. I was too young to remember whathappened;theonlypartIdon’tbelieveisMom’sclaimthatIplayeddiceinthemen’sroomafterward.

10.Greatsubplot:Barryworeawigthatseason(thesewerethedayswhenyoucoulddosuchathingwithoutgettingmockedontheInternet)andafterthefight,Barry seemed more concerned with readjusting his wig than with wonderingwhySobersjumpedhim.IfyouevergetholdoftheWarriorsmediaguide,checkout howBarry’s hair recedes each season until the ’76 teampicture,when hesuddenlyhasafullheadofhair,andthenhe’sbacktobeingbaldinthe’77teampictureagain.Nowhehasplugs.Don’taskwhyIlovethisstuff.

11. Two new wrinkles/problems that we’ll cover in detail later: First, someplayersstoppedgivingacrapbecausetheyhadguaranteedbig-moneycontracts.Second, cocainebecame fashionable for a fewyears before everyone realized,“Hey,wait, thisdrugisaddictiveanddestructiveandexpensive.There’sreallyno upside here!” Back in the late ’70s, nobody knew and the league sufferedbecauseofit.WeneverknewtherewasaproblemuntilaNuggetsgamein1979whenDavidThompsontriedtosnortthefoulline.

12.Myfatherstillmakesfunofmeaboutthis.Inmydefense,Iwassix.Inhisdefense,itwasthemostfamousNBAgameeverplayed.

13.When we came home, Dad and I were so wired that we made food andwatchedTV.ACharlie’sAngelsrerunwason—theshowthathadjusttakenoffafewweeksbefore—andIremember thinking,“Sothis iswhathappenswhenyou’re up late? You can watch TV shows with half-naked female detectivesrunningaround?”A futurenightowlwasborn that night,my friends. 14.Not

only did I spend my formative years sticking my right hand out hoping forfamoushighfives,butyoucanseemeonTVduringhalfofthegreatgamesoftheBirdera.IspendmoretimeonESPNClassicthantheSklarbrothers.

15.Thiswasoneofmytwofavoritemomentsof1978,alongwiththetimemybuddyReeseandIrealizedthatifoneofuswasholdingthefeetoftheother,wecouldstealall thechange fromthebottomof the fountainat theChestnutHillMallandbuyhockeycardswiththemoney.Goodtimes!

16. Ihada reader jokeonce, “Tommy is asobjectiveduringCelticsgamesasFredGoldmanwhenthetopicisO.J.”

17.JohnY.ownedtheBravesand“traded”themfortheCelticsinacomplicateddealthatinvolvedsevenplayers,twopicks(oneturnedouttobeDannyAinge),andcash.Boston’spreviousowner,IrvLevin,movedtheBravestoSanDiegoandrenamedthemtheClippers.SoifJohnY.hadforcedoutRed,hewouldhavebeendirectlyresponsibleforClippersEastandClippersWest.Wealsoprobablywould have traded Bird’s rights to New York for Toby Knight and Joe C.Meriweather.

18.Wehad12monthstosignBirdbeforehereenteredthedraft,soeveryoneinNew England jumped on the ISU bandwagon as Bird carried the undefeatedSycamores to the’79NCAAFinals.Theyweremorepopular inNewEnglandthanBCandHolyCrossthatyear.19.IthrewKatieinhereforoldtimes’sake.It’snotherfaultthatTomCruiseturnedherintoamannequin.

20.WhenIworkedonJimmyKimmel’sshow,wecalledthistheAdamCarollaCorollary. Carolla always found a humorous angle on anything; eventually,everyoneelsebecamefunnierjusttryingtokeepupwithhim.

21.Ididnotmakethisup.Therewerefourtimesinthesecondhalfofthatgame(March12,1985)when theHawkssubseither jumpedup indelightwith theirarmsraised,fellontopofeachotherindisbelieforslappedpalms.

22.Thiswasthemostshockingandimprobablesportsfightthateverhappened.Happened20feetinfrontofme.Iwillneverforgetit.LikeseeingSantathrowdown with the Easter Bunny. 23. I thought about throwing in “the last twominutes right before a girl-on-girl show starts at a bachelor party” here anddecidedagainstit.

24.BirdandErving(fourMVPs),RobertParish(NBAtopfifty),KevinMcHale(ditto),TinyArchibald(ditto),MauriceCheeks(oneofthetoppointguardsthatdecade),AndrewToney (most underratedplayer of that decade),Bobby Jones(best sixthman of his generation), CedricMaxwell (’81 FinalsMVP),DarrylDawkins,CaldwellJones,M.L.Carr,GeraldHenderson,RickRobey…

nowthat’saplayoffseries!The lesson,asalways:expansionruinseverything.25.Oneof themanygreat subplotsof thepre-Jumbotronera: theGarden fansrewardingtheteamwithastandingovationthroughtheentiretime-out.Thatwasourultimatestampofapproval.Likea“youdidthatforus,we’lldothisforyou”thing. Now we’re too busy watching the kiss cam or gawking at cheerleadernipples.

26.MyseatwasnexttooneofthoseclassyWellesley/Westonhousewiveswhoworegreatjewelryandlookedlikeshegotgroomedfourtimesaweek.Evenshewassweating.Idon’tthinkhersweatglandshadeverbeentriggeredbefore.

27.Mypersonalfavorite:BirdoncetoldIndiana’sChuckPersonbeforeagamethathehadaChristmaspresent forhim.During thegame,hemadea three infront of the Pacers bench, turned to Person, and said, “Merry fuckingChristmas.”

28.On IMDb.com, this isalso listedasThePassionof theChrist.29. It’s toobadthatBird’sprimejustmissedScottiePippen,thegreatestdefensiveforwardever and someonewhowouldhavebeen a fantastic foil forBird.By the timePippenmatured,Birdwasonhiswayout.Ourloss.

30. Bird’s back brace made him look fat and misshapen, kinda like RalphMacchio in Karate Kid 3. He couldn’t move by the second round and stilldominatedado-or-dieGame6againstthe’92

Cavs with his perimeter passing (16 points and 14 assists). Then the CavsrealizedbeforeGame7,

“Wait,hecan’tdribble,allwehavetodoishoundhimwhenhehastheballandattack him defensively!” They won by 18 and shot 59%. Sad ending for theLegend. 31.Or evenworse, inMagic’s case, aLegend/Celebrity 3-on-3 or 3-BallonAll-StarWeekend.32.Game7ofthe’88EasternSemis:’Niquedrops47butBirdexplodesfor20 in thefinalquarter, includingonesequencewheretheyswappedfivebasketsinarow,savingthegameandearningagushing“You

arewatchingwhatgreatnessisallabout”linefromBrentMusberger.33.Bird’spropheticquotein1986:“AllIknowisthatpeopletendtoforgethowgreattheoldergreatplayerswere.It’llhappenthatwaywithme,too.”

34.Eightminutes 30 seconds.That’s longer than “Stairway toHeaven;”HulkHoganpinning the IronSheik for theWWF title atMSG; the total amount oftimeittookthePatstofinishtheirfinaldriveofSuperBowlXXXVI(includingstoppages);allofthesexscenesfromBasicInstinctcombined;StevieWonder’slongestGrammyacceptancespeech; theamountof time thatpassedbeforewestopped believing that RickyMartin was straight; Act One of the firstChevyChase Show; the climactic fight scene from Rocky; the amount of time thatDavidBeckhammadesoccer relevant inAmericaagain;andanyofJeffRoss’roastsonYouTube.35.Thefarewelltourforretiringstarswasagoofytraditionin the ’70s and ’80s that peaked with Julius Erving in ’86 and stopped afterKareem retired in ’89. There was a ton of emotion both times—with Docbecauseweweregoingtomisshim,andwithKareembecauseweweresohappytoseehimgo.

36.Note to anyone reading in 2075: Baylesswas a TV personalitywho tookextremepositionsuntilhewasfiredinthesummerof2010afterLeBrondumpedCleveland to signwith theKnicks and a frothing-at-the-mouthBayless, in hisrush to excoriate LeBron for stabbing Cavaliers fans in the back, brieflymorphedintoafire-breathing,eight-footdragonandkilledall17people in thestudio.YoucanfindthecliponYouTube—justsearchfor“Bayless+dragon.”

37.This isacompletelyunbiasedbookexcept for theongoingdigsatKareemand Vince. Even someone like Kobe, who could be called a conniving,contrived,unlikable,philandering,sociallyawkwardfraudofahumanbeinginthewronghands,willbehandledwiththeutmostrespect.Ipromiseyou.

38. I missed this one because my high school promwas scheduled the nightbefore inConnecticutandIknewI’dbeupallnight.MyuncleBobsat inmyseatandendedupgettingshownnumeroustimesonCBS.Also,Ididn’thookuponpromnightorevencomeclose.NumberoftimesI’veregrettednotgettingupearly that Sunday morning and making the 150-minute drive: 280,975. 39.Whereweretherefs?Yougotme.Iwatchedthisgamerecentlyandscreamedatthe refs after one of their 20 awful calls down the stretch, prompting myconfusedwife(listeningfromthekitchen)toask,“Don’tyoualreadyknowwhathappensinthisgame?”Yeah,butstill.40.Again,noluckonpromnight.

41.InoneofthekajillionNBAdocumentariesmadethisdecade,Worthyadmitsthathestillhasnightmaresaboutthatshotgoingin.Andhewontheseries.42.Iwouldput thisshotagainstanymoment inNBAhistorywhereacrowdmakestwooftheloudestnoisespossiblethatarecompletelyoppositeinthespanoftwoseconds: hrrraaaaaaaaaaaa-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There was never a louderhrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhmoment.

43. You can seeme at end of this one, right before James Brown interviewsMagic—I’mwearingabluepoloshortandkindalooklikeKirkCameronduringthesecondseasonofGrowingPains.Also,IlooklikeadoctorjusttoldmethatIhaveVD.

ONE

THESECRET

ILEARNEDTHEsecretofbasketballwhile loungingata toplesspool inLasVegas.AsIlearnedthesecret,someone’sbarebreastswerestaringatmefromjusteightfeetaway.ThepersonexplainingthesecretwasaHallofFamerwhoonce vowed to beat me up and changed his mind only because Gus Johnson

vouchedforme.

(DoItellthisstory?Yes.Itellthisstory.)

Come back with me to July 2007. My buddy Hopper was pushing me toaccompanyhimforanimpromptuVegastrip,knowingthatIwouldn’tturnhimdown because of my Donaghy-level gambling problem. I needed permissionfrom my pregnant wife, who was perpetually ornery from (a) carrying oursecondchildduringthehotweathermonthsinCaliforniaand(b)beingknockedupbecauseIpulledthegoalieonherbackinFebruary.1Buthere’swhyI’manevil genius: with the NBA Summer League happening at the same time, Isomehow convinced her that ESPN The Magazine wanted a column aboutFriday’squadruple-headerfeaturingmyfavoriteteam(theCeltics),myfavoriterookie(KevinDurant),andthetwoLosAngelesteams(ClippersandLakers).

“I’llbeinandoutinthirty-sixhours,”Itoldher.

Shesignedoffanddirectedherangeratthemagazineformakingmeworkonaweekend. (I told you, I’m shrewd.) I quickly called my editor and had thefollowingexchange.

ME:Idon’thaveacolumnideathisweek.I’mpanicking.

NEIL(myeditor):Crap.Idon’tknowwhattotellyou,it’sadeadmonth.

Afewsecondsofsilenceensues.)

ME:Hey,wait…isn’ttheNBASummerLeagueinVegasrightnow?

NEIL:Yeah,Ithinkitis.Whatwouldyouwriteabout,though?

ME:Lemmeseewhat theschedule is forFriday.[Ispend thenext20secondspretendingtologontoNBA.comandlookthisup.]OhmyGod—Clippersat3,Celticsat5,Lakersat6,DurantandtheSonicsat7!Youhavetoletmego!Icanget1,250wordsoutofthat![Neildoesn’trespond.]

Comeon—Vegas?TheCelticsandDurant?Thiscolumnwillwriteitself!

NEIL(afteralongsigh):“Okay,fine,fine.”

DidIcarethathesoundedlikeIhadjustconvincedhimtodonatemeakidney?Of course not! I flew down on Friday, devoured those four games and joinedHopperfordrunkenblackjackuntiltheweehours.2Thefollowingmorning,wewoke up in time for aVegas Breakfast (16-ounce coffee, bagel, largewater),thenheadeddowntotheWynn’slavishoutdoorblackjacksetup,whichincludes:

1.Eightblackjacktablessurroundingoneof thosesquareoutdoorbars liketheonewhere Brian Flanaganworked after he fled to Jamaica inCocktail. Onceyou’vegambledoutdoors,yourlifeisneverquitethesame.It’slikeridinginaconvertibleforthefirsttime.2.Overheadmistmachinesblowingcoolspraysonobodyoverheats,acrucialwrinkleduringthescorchingVegassummer,whenit’sfrequentlyover110degreesoutsideand170

degreesineveryguy’scrotch.

3.AbeautifulEuropeanpooltuckedrightbehindthetables.Justsoyouknow,“European”isafancywayofsaying,“It’sokaytogotoplessthere.”3

Ifthere’sabettermalebondingexperience,Ican’tthinkofone.Forouryearlyguys’ trip onemonth earlier,we arrived right before the outdoor area opened(11:00 a.m.) and played through dinner. For the first three hours, none of thesunbatherswaswillingtopullaJackieRobinsonandbreakthetoplessbarrier,sowedecidedtheWynnshouldhiresixstrippers togotoplesseverydayatnoon(justtobreaktheice)andhavetheirDJplaytechnosongswithtitleslike“TakeYour Tops Off,” “Come On, Nobody’s Looking,” “We’re All Friends Here,”“UnleashtheHounds,”and

“WhatDoYouHavetoLose?You’reAlreadyDivorced.”Bymidafternoon,assoonaseveryonehadafewdrinksinthem,theladiesstartedflingingtheirtopsofflikeFrisbees.Okay,notreally.Buttwodozenwomenmadetheplungeoverthenextfewhours,includingoneheavysetwomanwhonearlycausedariotbywadingintothepoolwithher75DDDDDDDDDDs.ItwaslikebeingtherewhentheBabyRuthbarlandedintheBushwoodpool;peoplewerescurryingfortheirlivesineverydirection.4

Sobetweenseedyguysmakingrunsattoplessgirlsinthepool,hornyblackjackdealers getting constantly distracted, aforementioned moments like the BabyRuthmulti-D episode, the tropical feel of outdoors and theMardi Grasbeadselement of a Euro pool, ten weeks of entertainment and comedy were jam-packed into eight hours. Things peaked around 6:00 p.m. when an attractiveblondewearing a bikini joined our table, complained to the dealer, “I haven’thadablackjackinthreedays,”thentoldusconfidently,“IfIgetablackjack,I’mgoing topless.” The pit boss declared that she couldn’t go topless, so theynegotiated for a little bit, ultimately deciding that she could flash everyoneinstead.Yes,thisconversationactuallyhappened.Suddenlywewereembroiledinthemostexcitingblackjackshoeofalltime.Everytimeshegotanaceora10asherfirstcard, the tensionwasmoreunbearable thanthe last fiveminutesofthe finalSopranos episode.When she finallynailedherblackjack, our sideoftheblackjacksectioneruptedlikeFenwayaftertheRobertssteal.5Shefollowedthroughwithhervow,departedafewminuteslater,andleftusspendingtherestofthenightwonderinghowIcouldwriteaboutthatentiresequenceforESPN

TheMagazinewithoutcomingoff likeapig.Well,youknowwhat?Theseare

the things that happen inVegas. I’m not condoning them, defending them, orjudging them. Just understand that we don’t keep going because some bimbomight flash everyone at her blackjack table, we keep going for the twentyminutes afterward,whenwe’re rehashing the story andmaking every possiblejoke.6

Needless to say, wild horses couldn’t have draggedHopper andme from theoutdoor blackjack section during summer league.We treadedwater for a fewhourswhenIranintoanoldacquaintancewhohandledPRfromtheKnicks,aswell asGus Johnson, themuch-adoredMarchMadness andKnicks announcerwholovesmemainlybecauseIlovehim.GusandIsuccessfullyexecutedabearhugandafive-stephandshake,andjustasIwasreadytomakeGusannounceafewofmyblackjackhands(“Here’sthedouble-downcard…Ohhhhhhhh!it’saten!”),heimploredmetocomeoverandmeethisbuddyIsiahThomas.

Gulp.

OfanysportsfigurethatIcouldhavepossiblymetatanytimeinmylife,gettingintroducedtoIsiahthatsummerwouldhavebeenmynumberonedraftpickforthe Holy Shit, Is This Gonna Be Awkward draft. Isiah doubled as thebeleagueredGMoftheKnicksandafrequentcolumntarget,someonewhooncethreatened“trouble”ifweevercrossedpaths.7Thisparticularmomentseemedto qualify. After the PR guy and I explained to Gus why a Simmons-Isiahintroductionwould be a stupifyingly horrific idea, Gus confidently countered,“Holdon,Igotthis,Igotthis,I’llfixthis.”

AndhewanderedoffasourterrifiedPRbuddysaid,“I’mgettingoutofhere—goodluck!”8

IplayedafewhandsofrattledblackjackwhilewonderinghowtodefendmyselfifIsiahcamechargingatmewithapiñacolada.Afterall,Ikilledthisguyinmycolumn over the years. I killed him for some of the cheap shots he took as a

player, for freezingoutMJ in the ’85All-StarGame, for leading the classlesswalkoutatthetailendoftheBulls-Pistonssweepin’91.IkilledhimforpushingBirdunderthebusbybackingupRodman’sfoolish“he’dbejustanothergoodplayerifheweren’twhite”commentsafterthe’87playoffs,thenpretendinglikehe was kidding afterward. (He wasn’t.) I killed him for bombing as a TVannouncer,forsuckingasToronto’sGM,forrunningtheCBAintotheground,andmost of all, for his incomprehensibly ineffective performance running theKnicks. As I kept lobbing (totally justified) grenades at him, Isiah went onStephenA.Smith’sradioshowandthreatened“trouble” ifweevermeton thestreet. Like this was all my fault. Somewhere along the line, Isiah probablydecided that Ihadapersonalgrudgeagainsthim,whichsimplywasn’t true—Ihadwrittenmanytimes thathewas thebestpurepointguardI’deverseen,aswell as the most underappreciated star of his era. I even defended his draftrecord and praised him for standing up for his players right before the uglyNuggets-Knicks brawl that featured Carmelo Anthony’s infamous bitch-slap/backpedal. It’s not like I was obsessed with ripping the guy. He justhappened tobeaneasy target, a flounderingNBAGMwhodidn’tunderstandtheluxurytax,capspace,orhowtoplanahead.ForwhatIdidforaliving,IsiahjokeswereeasierthanmakingfunofFlavorFlavatacelebrityroast.Thedegreeofdifficultywasa0.0.

Withthatsaid,Iwouldhaveratherbeenplayingblackjackanddrinkingvodkalemonades then figuring out how to cajole a pissed-offNBA legend.When asomberGus finallywavedmeover, Iwas relieved toget itoverwith. (By theway,thereshouldbenoscenariothatincludesthewords

“GusJohnson”and“somber.”IfeellikeIfailedAmericaregardlessofhowthisturned out.) Gus threw an arm around me and said something like, “Look, Istraightenedeverythingout,he’swilling to talk toyou, justunderstand,he’sasensitiveguy,hetakesthisshitpersonally.”9

Understood. I followedhim toa sectionofchairsnear the toplesspool,whereIsiahwassippingawaterandwearingawhitePanamahattoshieldhimselffromtheblazingsun.Asweapproached,Gusslappedmeonthebackandgesturedtoafemalefriendwhoquicklyfledthepremises,likewewereMafiaheadssittingdowninthebackofanItalianrestaurantandGuswassheddingeverywaiterandbusboy.Getoutof here.Youdon’twant tobehere for this.Meanwhile, Isiah

rosefromthechairwithabigsmileonhisface—he’dmakeahelluvapolitician—sayingsimply,“Hi,I’mIsiah.”10

We shook hands and sat down. I explained the purpose ofmy column, how Iwritefromthefan’sperspectiveandplayupcertaingimmicks—IliketheBostonteamsanddislikeanyonewhobattles them, Ipretend tobesmarter thaneveryGM,IthinkChristmasshouldbechangedtoLarryBird’sbirthday—whichmadeIsiah a natural foil for me. He understood that. He thought we were bothentertainers, for lackof abetterword.Wewereboth there tomakebasketballmore fun to follow. He didn’t appreciate two things I had written: that hedestroyedtheCBA(whichheclaimedwasn’ttrue)andhowIlumpedhimwithother inept GMs in a widely read parody column called “The Atrocious GMSummit.”11That led tousdiscussingeachmoveandwhyhemade them.Headmitted twomistakes—the JalenRose trade (his fault) and the Steve Francistrade (not his fault becauseLarryBrown insisted on it, or so he claimed) anddefended everything else. Strangely, inconceivably, each explanation madesense.For instance,heexplained the recentRandolph tradeby tellingme(I’mparaphrasing), “Everyone’s trying to get smaller and faster. I want to go theother way. I want to get bigger. I want to pound people down low.” I foundmyselfnoddinglikeSteveLawrenceandEydieGorméinSNL’s“SinatraGroup”sketch.Great idea,Chairman! I love it! You’re a genius!Only later, afterwepartedways and I thought about itmore, did it dawnonmehowdoomedhisstrategywas—notthe“gettingbigger”partasmuchasthe“gettingbiggerwithtwo head-case fat asses who can’t defend anyone or protect the rim and areprohibitively expensive” part. You get bigger with McHale and Parish orSampson and Olajuwon. You don’t get bigger with Eddy Curry and ZachRandolph.12

But that’snotwhyI’mtellingyou thisstory.Aftersettlingonanuneasy truceabouthisjobperformance,westartedrememberingthoseunforgettableCeltics-Pistons clashes from the eighties: how theirmutual hatredwas palpable, howthatcompetitivenesshasslowlyerodedfromtheleaguebecauseofrulechanges,money, AAU camps and everything else. Today’s rivals hug each other aftergames and pull the “I love you, boy!” routine. They act like former summercampchumswhobecamesuccessfulCEOs,thenranintoeachotheratNobufor

thefirsttimeinyears.Greattoseeyou!I’lltalktoyousoon—let’shavelunch!When Isiah’sPistonsplayedBird’sCeltics, thewords“great to seeyou”werenotontheagenda.Theywantedtodestroyeachother.Theydid.Therewasanedgetothosebattlesthatthecurrentonesdon’thave.Imissedthatedgeandsodid Isiah.Weboth felt passionate about it, passionate enough that—gasp—wewerelegitimatelyenjoyingtheconversation.13

Iwasgettingcomfortablewithhim.ComfortableenoughthatIhadtoaskaboutTheSecret.

Andhere’swhereIwonIsiahover—notjustthatIaskedaboutTheSecret,butthatIremembereditinthefirstplace.Detroitwonthe1989titleaftercollapsinginconsecutivespringsagainstthe’87

Celticsand ’88Lakers, twoof the toughest exits inplayoffhistorybecauseofthenatureofthosedefeats:apairof“whydidthathavetohappen?”momentsinthe Boston series (Bird’s famous steal in Game 5, then Vinnie Johnson andAdrianDantleybangingheadsinGame7),followedbyanotherinthe’88Finals(Isiah’s ankle sprain in Game 6). The ’89 Pistons regrouped for 62wins andswept the Lakers for their first championship, vindicating a controversial in-season trade thatshippedDantleyandadraftpick toDallas forMarkAguirre.That season lives on in Cameron Stauth’s superb bookThe Franchise, whichdetails how GM Jack McCloskey built those particular Pistons teams. Thecrucial section happens during the ’89 Finals, with Isiah holding court withreportersandimprobablyofferingup“thesecret”ofwinningbasketball.Here’sanedited-for-spaceversionofwhathetellsthem.Thepartthatmattersmostisinboldface.

It’s not about physical skills. Goes far beyond that. When I first came here,McCloskeytookalotofheatfordraftingasmallguy.Butheknewthattheonlywayourteamwouldrisetothetopwouldbebymentalskills,notsizeortalent.HeknewtheonlywaywecouldacquirethoseskillswasbywatchingtheCelticsandLakers,because thosewere the teamswinningyear inandyearout. Ialsolooked atSeattle,whowononeyear, andHouston,whogot to theFinals one

year.Theybothself-destructedthenextyear.Sohowcome?IreadPatRiley’sbookShowTimeandhetalksabout“thediseaseofmore.”14Ateamwinsitoneyear and the next year every player wants more minutes, more money, moreshots.Anditkills them.Our teamhasbeenupat theChampionship level fouryears now. We could have easily self-destructed. So I read what Riley wassaying, and I learned. I didn’twantwhat happened to Seattle andHouston tohappentous.Butit’shardnottobeselfish.Theartofwinningiscomplicatedbystatistics,which forusbecomesmoney.Well, yougotta fight that, findawayaroundit.AndIthinkwehave.Ifwewinthis,we’llbethefirstteaminhistorytowinitwithoutasingleplayeraveraging20points.Firstteam.Ever.Wegot12guyswho are totally committed towinning. Every nightwe found a differentpersontowinitforus.TalkedtoLarryBirdaboutthisonce.Coupleyearsback,attheAll-StarGame.WeweresittingsigningbasketballsandI’mtalkingtohimaboutRedAuerbachandtheBostonfranchiseandjustpickinghisbrain.Idon’tknowifheknewIwaspickinghisbrain,butIthinkheknew.BecauseIaskedonequestionandhejustlookedatme.Smiled.Didn’tanswer.

Whoa.

A fewpages later,with thePistons on the cusp of sweeping theLakers, IsiahrantsaboutDetroit’sperceivedlackofrespectfromtheoutsideworld:

Lookatour teamstatistically.We’reoneof theworst teams in the league.Sonowyou have to find a new formula to judge basketball. Therewere a lot oftimesIhadmydoubtsaboutthisapproach,becauseallofyoukepttellingmeitcouldneverbedonethisway.Statistically,itmademelookhorrible.ButIkeptlookingatthewon-lossrecordandhowwekeptimprovingandIkeptsayingtomyself, Isiah,you’redoin’ the right thing, sobestubborn,andonedaypeoplewill find a different way to judge a player. They won’t just pick up thenewspaperandsay,oh,thisguywas9for12with8reboundssohewasthebestplayerinthegame.Lotsoftimes,onourteam,youcan’ttellwhothebestplayerinthegamewas’Causeeverybodydidsomethinggood.That’swhatmakesussogood.Theotherteamhastoworryaboutstoppingeightorninepeopleinsteadof

twoorthree.It’stheonlywaytowin.Theonlywaytowin.That’sthewaythegame was invented. But there’s more to that. You also got to create anenvironmentthatwon’tacceptlosing.

Forget for a second that, in two paragraphs of quotes, Isiah just describedeverythingyouwouldeverneedtoknowaboutwinninganNBAchampionship.IalwayswantedtoknowwhatTheSecretwas.Ifyounoticed,heneverfuckingsaidit.Evenmorefrustrating,nobodyeveraskedhimagain.15AndIhadbeenwonderingaboutitsinceIwasincollege.NowweweresittingbyatoplesspoolinVegasandheseemedtobeenjoyingmycompany,soscrewit.Whenwasthisscenarioeverhappeningagain? Isetup thequestionandaskedhimaboutTheSecret.

Isiahsmiled.Icouldtellhewasimpressed.Hetookadramaticpause.Youcouldsayheevenmilkedthemoment.

“Thesecretofbasketball,”hetoldme,“isthatit’snotaboutbasketball.”

Thesecretofbasketballisthatit’snotaboutbasketball.

Thatmakesnosense,right?Howcanthatpossiblymakesense?

For thenextfewminutes, Isiahexplainedit tome.Aftercomingsooooooooooclose for two straight postseasons, the chemistry for the ’89 teamwas off forreasons thathadnothing todowith talent.ChuckDalyneeded togiveDennisRodmanmoreplayingtime,onlytheTeacher(Dantley’snickname,inanironictwist)wasn’twilling to accommodate him.And thatwas a problem.Rodmancould play any style and defend every type of player; he gave the Pistons a

uniquely special flexibility, much like Havlicek’s ability to play guard orforward droveRussell’s last fewCeltics teams.Therewas also a precedent inplacefromwhenJohnSalleyandJoeDumarscameinto theirowninpreviousseasons; Isiah and Vinnie Johnson gave up minutes for Dumars, and RickMahorngaveupminutesforSalley.ButwhenRodmanstartedstealingcrunch-timeminutesfromDantley,theTeacherstartedsulkingandevencomplainedtoa localwriter.You couldn’t call it a betrayal, butDantley hadundermined analtruisticdynamic—constructedcarefullyoverthepastfourseasons,almostlikea stack of Jenga blocks—that hinged on players forfeiting numbers for theoverallgoodof the team.ThePistonscouldn’t riskhavingDantleyknock thatJenga stack down. They quickly swapped him for the enigmatic Aguirre, anunconventional low-post scorer who caused similar mismatch problems butwouldn’t start trouble because Isiah (a childhood chum fromChicago) wouldneverallowit.MaybeDantleywasabetterplayerthanAguirre,butAguirrewasabetterfitforthe1989Pistons.Iftheydidn’tmakethatdeal,theywouldn’thavewonthechampionship.Itwasapeopletrade,notabasketballtrade.16

And that’swhat Isiah learnedwhile following thoseLakers andCeltics teamsaround:itwasn’taboutbasketball.

Those teams were loaded with talented players, yes, but that’s not the onlyreasontheywon.They

won because they liked each other, knew their roles, ignored statistics, andvalued winning over everything else. They won because their best playerssacrificedtomakeeveryoneelsehappy.Theywonaslongaseveryoneremainedon the same page. By that same token, they lost if any of those three factorsweren’t in place. The ’75 Warriors self-combusted a year later because ofBarry’s grating personality and two young stars (Wilkes and Gus Williams)needingbetternumberstoboosttheirfreeagentstock.The’77Blazersfellapartbecause of Bill Walton’s feet, but also because Lionel Hollins and MauriceLucas brooded about being underpaid. The ’79 Sonics fell apart when theirtalentedbackcourt (Dennis JohnsonandGusWilliams)becameembroiled inapettybattleover salariesandcrunch-timeshots.The ’81Lakerswerebounced

becauseMagicJohnson’steammatesbelievedhewasgettingtoomuchattention,mostnotablyfellowpointguardNormNixon,whoresentedhavingtosharethebasketball with him. The ’83 Celtics got swept by Milwaukee for a peculiarreason: theyhad toomanygoodplayersandeveryonewanted toplay.The’86Lakers lost to Houston because Kareem wasn’t an alpha dog anymore, onlyMagicwasn’tconfidentenoughtosupplanthimyet.The’87Rocketsimplodedbecauseofdrugsuspensionsandcontractbitterness.Yearafteryear,atleastonecontender fellshort for reasons thathad littleornothing todowithbasketball.Andyearafteryear, thechampionshipteamprevailedbecauseitgotalongandeveryonecommittedthemselvestotheirroles.That’swhatDetroitneededtodo,andthat’swhyDantleyhadtogo.17

“Sothat’sthesecret,”Isiahsaid.“It’snotaboutbasketball.”

Thesecretofbasketballisthatit’snotaboutbasketball.

ThesearethethingsyoulearninVegas.

WhenIwastalkingtoIsiahthatday,hisaffectionforthosePistonsteamsstoodoutalmostasvividlyasthepairofexposednippleseightfeetaway.Thisdidn’tsurpriseme.IrememberedhisappearanceonNBA’sGreatestGames,18whenhewatchedGame6ofthe’88FinalswithESPN’sDanPatrick.The’88Lakerscouldn’thandlepointguardswhocreatedshotsoffthedribble,aswewitnessedduring Sleepy Floyd’s legendary thirty-three points in one quarter in the firstround.19IfsomeonelikeSleepygavethemfits,youcanonlyimaginehowtheystruggledagainst IsiahLordThomas IIIwhenheneededonemorevictory forhis first title. Smelling blood in the third quarter at the Forum, he droppedfourteen straight points with a ridiculous array of shots, doing his bestimpressionofRobbyBensonattheendofOneonOne…rightuntilhesteppedonMichael Cooper’s foot and crumbled to a heap. Poor Isiah kept trying tostand,onlyhislegwouldn’tsupporthimandhekeptfallingtotheground.Atthe

time, it was like watching those uncomfortable few seconds after a racehorsesuffers a leg injury,when it can’t stopmoving but can’t support itself, either.Anyone who ever played basketball knows how an ankle sprain feels at themomentofimpact:likeLeatherfacechurninghischainsawagainstthebottomofyourleg.Youdon’tcomebackfromabadlysprainedankle.Hell,youcan’tevenwalk off the court most times. Isiah didn’t stand for ninety seconds beforegetting helped to his bench. You could practically see Detroit’s title hopesvanishingintothinair.

ExceptIsiahwouldn’tlettheinjuryderailhim.Hechewedonhisbottomliplikeawadoftobaccoandtransferredthepain.WhentheLakersextendedtheirleadto eight, Isiah hobbled back into the game, fueled on adrenaline, desperatelytrying to save Detroit’s title before his ankle swelled. Hemade a one-leggedfloater.Hemadeanoff-balancebankeroverCooper,drawingthefoulandnearlycareeninginto thefirstrowoffans.Hedraineda longthree.Hefilledthelanefor a fast-break layup.With the final seconds of the quarter ticking away, heburiedaturnaround22-footerfromthecorner—anabsolutelyoutrageousshot—givinghimaFinalsrecord25forthequarterandreclaimingtheleadforDetroit.ThiswasPantheon-levelstuff,winorlose.CBS

headedtocommercialandshowedaslow-motionreplayofthataforementionedlayup: Isiahunable tostophismomentumon that ravagedankle,crashing intothephotographersunderthebasket,thengamelyspeed-hoppingbackdowncourtashisteammatescheeredfromthebench.OntheGoosebumpScale,it’sabouta9.8.WealwayshearaboutWillisReed’sGame7cameoagainsttheLakers,orGibson taking Eckersley deep in the ’88World Series. Somehow, Isiah’s 25-point quarter gets lost in the shuffle because the Pistons ended up losing thegame(andtheseries).20

Seems a little unfair. Nobody was more of a warrior than Isiah Thomas. Inretrospect, thatwas his biggest problem:maybe he cared a little toomuch. Ifthat’spossible.Actually,that’sdefinitelypossible.BecausewhenESPNfinishedrerunning that thirdquarter, they returned to the studio and IsiahThomaswascrying.Hehadneverseenthetapebefore.Hecouldn’thandleit.

Whatfollowedwasbreathtaking.JustknowthatIwatchalltheseshows.Iwatchevery SportsCentury, every Beyond the Glory, every HBO documentary,everything. I eat this stuff up. And with the possible exception of the Coozbreaking down duringBill Russell’sSportsCentury, nomoment evermatchedwhattranspiresafterPatrickasksasimplequestionaboutGame6:“Whydoesitbotheryou?”

Thewordshangintheair.Isiahcan’tspeak.Hedabshiseyes,finallybreakinginto a self-conscious smile. The memories come flooding back, some good,some bad.He’s overwhelmed. Finally, he describes how it feels to play for achampionshipteam.Toatee.Andhedoesitoffthetopofhishead.

“I just… I… I neverwatched this,” Isiahmumbles, dabbing his eyeswith ahandkerchief.“Youjust…youwouldn’tunderstand.”

Patrickdoesn’tsayanything.Wisely.

Isiah takes a second to collect himself, then he keeps going: “That type ofemotion, that type of feeling, when you’re playing like that, and you know,you’rereallygoingforit…you’regoingforit.Youputyourheart,yoursoul,youputeverythingintoit,and…”

Hechokesupagain.Takesanothermomenttocomposehimself.

“It’slike,tolookbackonthat,toknowthatallwewentthroughasateam,andthepeople,andthefriendshipsandeverything…youjustwouldn’tunderstand.”

Hesmilesagain.It’saweirdmoment.Inanyothersetting,hewouldcomeoffascondescending.Buthe’sright:somebodylikePatrick,orme,oryou…noneofuscouldunderstand.Nottotally,anyway.

Isiahkeepsgoing.NowhewantsPatricktounderstand.

“Youknow,likeyousaid,toseeDennis,thewayDenniswas,toseeVinnie,tosee Joe, to seeBill, to seeChuck, and toknowwhatweallwent throughandwhatwewere fighting for… Imean,weweren’t the Lakers,weweren’t theCeltics,wewere just,wewerenobody.Wewere theDetroitPistons, trying tomakeourwaythroughtheleague,tryingtofightandearnsometurf,youknow,andmakepeople realize thatwewere agood team.We justweren’t the thingthattheyhadmadeus.”

Patrickstepsin:“Youweren’tShowTime,youweren’ttheCelts,youweretheteamthatnobodygavecreditto.”

“Yeah,”Isiahsays,nodding.Nowheknows.Heknowswhattosay.“Andseeingthat, and feeling that, andgoing throughall that emotion, Imean, as aplayer,that’swhatyouplayfor.That’sthefeelingyouwanttohave.Whentwelvemencometogetherlikethat,youknow,it’s…it’s…”

Hestrugglesfortherightwords.Hecan’tfindthem.Andthen,finally:

“Youwouldn’tunderstand.”

He’s right. We wouldn’t understand. And as it turned out, even Isiah didn’ttotallyunderstand.HetookovertheKnicksin2003,failedtoheedthelessonsofthosePistonsteams,andgotreplacedfiveyearslater.21Ofalltheunbelievablethings that transpired during the “Thomas error”—no playoff wins, a sexualharassmentsuit,twolostlotterypicks,fourstraightyearswithapayrollover

$90million, fansprotesting insideandoutsideMSGinhis final season—whatcouldn’t be explained was Thomas’ willingness to overlook precisely whatworked for hisDetroit teams.How could such a savvy player become such afutile executive? How could someone win twice because of chemistry andunselfishness, then disregard those same traits while rebuilding the Knicks?Once upon a time, Detroit couldn’t find a prototypical back-to-the-basket bigman to help Thomas offensively, soGM JackMcCloskey smartly surroundedhim with unconventional low-post threats, effective role players and streakshooters.WhenMcCloskey realized they still couldn’t outscore theCeltics orLakers, he shifted the other way and built the toughest, most athletic, mostflexiblerosterpossible.Bythe’87Playoffs,thePistonswentninedeepandhadananswer foreveryone.Onpaper, it’s theweakestof thesuperb teams in that1983–93stretch.Butthat’sthethingaboutbasketball:youdon’tplaygamesonpaper. Detroit captured two titles and came agonizingly close towinning twomore.

Again,Isiahwasthere.HewatchedMcCloskeybuildthatuniqueteam.Heknewtherewasmore to basketball than stats andmoney, that you couldn’twin andkeepwinning unless your players sacrificed numbers for the greater good. Sowhyplacehisfranchise’sfateinthehandsofStephonMarbury,oneofthemostselfishstarsintheleague?WhygiveawaytwopotentiallotterypicksforCurry(an immature player and a liability as a rebounder and shot blocker) andcompoundthemistakebyoverpayinghim?Whykeepaddingbigcontractslikehe was running a high-priced fantasy team? What made him believe thatRandolphandCurrycouldplaytogether,orSteveFrancisandMarbury,orevenMarburyandJamalCrawford?Whyignorethesalarycapramificationsofeverymove? It made no sense. He had become Bizarro McCloskey. Every time Iwatched Isiah sitting glumly on theKnicks bench for that final seasonwith asteely “There’s no way I’m qutting, I’m not walking away from that money,they’regonnahavetofireme”maskonhisface,IrememberedhimsittingattheWynn’s outdoor pool utterly convinced that a Curry-Randolph tandemwould

work.HowcouldsomeonelearnTheSecretforthatlongandstillscrewup?

Ihavebeenobsessedwiththatquestioneversince.Yearafteryear,90percentofNBAdecisionmakersignoreTheSecretortalkthemselvesintoitnotmatteringthatmuch.FansoverlookTheSecretcompletely,asevidencedbythefactthat,youknow, it’s a secret. (That’swhywe live in aworldwherenineoutof tenbasketball fans probably think Shaquille O’Neal had a better career than TimDuncan.) Nobody writes about The Secret because of a general lack ofsophistication about basketball; even the latest “revolution” of basketballstatistics centers more around evaluating players against one another overcapturingtheireffectonateam.When,inFebruary2009,MichaelLewiswroteaMoneyball-likefeaturefortheNewYorkTimesMagazineaboutShaneBattier’sundeniablevalue,he listedabunchofdifferent anecdotes and subtleploys, aswellasdecentstatisticalevidencethatexplainedBattier’seffectdefensivelyandontheRocketsasawhole,butagain,itwasnothingtangible.(AlthoughLewisunknowingly came up with two corollaries to The Secret: one, that yourteammates are people you shouldn’t automatically trust because it’s in eachplayer’s selfish interest to screw his teammates out of shots or rebounds; andtwo,thatbasketballisthesportwherethisismosttrue.)Youcouldn’tquantifyBattier’s impact except with victories, opponent’s field goal positions, plus-minusvariables,statisticsthathadn’tbeencreatedyet,22andhishighrankingon the unofficial list of Role Players That Every PeerWouldWant on TheirTeam.Andthat’swhatIloveaboutbasketballmost.Youdon’tneedtowatchasinglebaseball game tohave anopiniononbaseball; you couldbe stuckon adesert island like Chuck Noland, 23 have the 2010 Baseball Prospectusrandomlywashupontheshore,devoureverypageofthatthing,andeventuallyhaveanaccuratefeelforwhichplayersmatter.Inbasketball?Numbershelp,butonlytoacertaindegree.Youstillhavetowatchthegames.CheckoutAmar’eStoudemire,whoscores22to25pointsanightforPhoenix,grabstworeboundsaquarter, screwsupdefensively over andover again, botches everydefensiveswitch,doesn’tmakeanyoneelsebetter,doesn’tcreateshotsforanyoneelseanddoesn’tfeelanyresponsibilitytocarryhisfranchiseevenasPhoenixpayshimasitsfranchiseplayer.DidAmar’egetvotedbyfansintotheWest’sstartinglineupforthe2009All-StarGamewiththeNasheraimplodingandtheSunsshoppinghim more vigorously than Spencer and Heidi shopped their fake weddingpictures?24Ofcoursehedid.

Thefansdon’tgetit.Actually,itgoesdeeperthanthat—I’mnotsurewhogetsit.Wemeasureplayersbynumbers,onlytheplayoffsrollaroundandteamsthatplaytogether,killthemselvesdefensively,sacrificepersonalsuccessandignorestatisticsinvariablywinthetitle.The2008

Lakerswere3-to-1favoritesoverBostonandlosttheFinals;tothisday,Lakersfanstreatthedefeatlikeitwassomesortofaberration,likeamistakewasmadeand never corrected. We have trouble processing the “teamwork over talent”thing. SanAntoniowas themost successful post-Jordan franchise and nobodyunderstands why. Duncan was the best post-Jordan superstar and nobodyunderstandswhy.But here’s the thing:Wehave the answers!Weknowwhy!LookathowMcCloskeybuiltthosePistonsteams.LookathowGreggPopovichandR.C.BufordhandledtheDuncanera.LookathowRedAuerbachhandledtheRussellera.Lookatwhysomanyfans(myselfincluded)stillrememberthe’70Knicks25and’77Blazers.Here’swhatweknowforsure:

1.Youbuildpotentialchampionsaroundonegreatplayer.Hedoesn’thavetobeasuper-duperstarorsomeonewhocanscoreatwill,justsomeonewholeadsbyexample, kills himself on a daily basis, raises the competitive nature of histeammates,andliftsthemtoabetterplace.ThelistofBestPlayersonanNBAChamp Since Bird and Magic Joined the League looks like this: Kareem(younger version), Bird,Moses,Magic, Isiah, Jordan,Hakeem,Duncan, Shaq(younger version), Billups, Wade, Garnett. It’s a list that looks exactly howyou’dthinkitshouldlookwiththeexceptionofBillups.26

2.Yousurround that superstarwithoneor twoelite sidekickswhounderstandtheirplaceintheteam’shierarchy,don’tobsessoverstats,andfillineveryblankthey can. The list of Best Championship Sidekicks Since 1980: Magic,Parish/McHale, Kareem (older version), Worthy, Doc/Toney, DJ, Dumars,Pippen/Grant, Drexler, Pippen/Rodman, Robinson, Kobe (younger version),Parker/Ginobili,Shaq(olderversion),Pierce/Allen.Youwouldhavewanted toplaywitheveryoneonthatlist…evenYoungerKobe.Mostofthetime.3.Fromthat framework, you completeyournucleuswith top-notch roleplayers and/orcharacterguys(toomanytocount,but thinkRobertHorry/DerekFisher types)who know their place, don’tmakemistakes, andwon’t threaten that unselfish

culture, aswell as a coaching staff dedicated to keeping those team-ahead-of-individualvaluesinplace.4.Youneedtostayhealthyintheplayoffsandmaybecatchoneortwobreaks.27

That’showyouwinanNBAchampionship.Duncan’sSpurspush the formulaonestepfurther,pursuingonlyhigh-characterguysasroleplayersandwinningjustoncewithasqueakywheel(StephenJacksonin2003,andhewasjettisonedthatsummer).PopovichexplainedtheirphilosophytoSportsIllustratedin2009:“Wegetguyswhowanttodotheirjobandgohomeandaren’timpressedwiththehoopla.Oneofthekeysistobringinguyswhohavegottenoverthemselves.They either want to prove that they can play in this league—or theywant toprovenothing.Theyfilltheirroleandhaveapeckingorder.Wehavethreeguyswhoarethebestplayers,andeveryoneelsefitsaroundthem.”Inarelatedstory,Duncan’s teamshavewon70percentof theirgamesforhisentirecareer.Thiscan’tbeanaccident.Buthowdoyoukeepstatsfor“bestchemistry”and“mostunselfishness” or even “most tangible and consistent effect on a group ofteammates”? It’s impossible. That’s why we struggle to comprehendprofessionalbasketball.Youcanonlyplayfiveplayersatatime.Thoseplayerscanonlyplayatotalof240minutes.Howthoseplayerscoexist,howtheymakeeachotherbetter,howtheyaccepttheirportionofthat240-minutepie,howtheytrustandbelieveinoneanother,howtheycreateshotsforoneanother,howthattalent/salary/alpha-dog hierarchy falls into place… that’s basketball. It’s likefallinginlove.Whenit’sworking,youknowit.Whenit’sfailing,youknowit.BillRussell (inSecondWind)andBillBradley(inLifeon theRun)playedforfamously magnanimous teams and described their inner workings better thananyone:

Russell:“BydesignandbytalenttheCelticswereateamofspecialists,andlikea team of specialists in any field, our performance depended on individualexcellence and how well we worked together. None of us had to strain tounderstand thatwehad tocomplementeachother’sspecialties itwassimplyafact,andwealltriedtofigureoutwaystomakeourcombinationmoreeffective…theCelticsplayedtogetherbecauseweknewitwasthebestwaytowin.”

Bradley: “A teamchampionship exposes the limitsof self-reliance, selfishnessandirresponsibility.Onemanalonecan’tmakeithappen;infact,thecontraryistrue: a single man can prevent it from happening. The success of the groupassuresthesuccessoftheindividual,butnottheotherwayaround.Yetthisteamis an inept model, for even as people marvel at its unselfishness and skillinvolved,theydisagreeonhowitisachievedandwhoisthemostinstrumental.Thehumanclosenessof abasketball teamcannotbe reconstructedona largerscale.”28

Russell:“Starplayershaveanenormousresponsibilitybeyondtheirstatistics—theresponsibilitytopicktheirteamupandcarryit.Youhavetodothistowinchampionships—andtobereadytodoitwhenyou’dratherbeathousandotherplaces.Youhavetosayanddothethingsthatmakeyouropponentsplayworseand your teammates play better. I always thought that the most importantmeasure of how good a game I’d played was howmuch better I’dmademyteammatesplay.”

Bradley:“Ibelievethatbasketball,whenacertainlevelofunselfishteamplayisrealized,canserveasakindofmetaphorforultimatecooperation.It isasportwheresuccess,assymbolizedbythechampionship,requiresthatthedictatesofthecommunityprevailoverselfishpersonalimpulses.Anexceptionalplayerissimplyonepointonafive-pointedstar.Statistics—suchaspoints,rebounds,orassistspergame—canneverexplaintheremarkableinteractionthattakesplaceonasuccessfulproteam.”

In different ways, Russell and Bradley argued the same point: that playersshould bemeasured by their ability to connectwith other players (and not bystatistics).Anyonecan connectwith their teammates forone season.Find thatconnection, cultivate it, win the title, maintain that connection, survive theinevitable landmines, fight off hungrier foes and keep coming back formoresuccess

…that’sbeingachampion.AsRussellexplained,“It’smuchharder tokeepachampionshipthantowinone.Afteryou’vewononce,someofthekeyfigures

arelikelytogrowdissatisfiedwiththeroletheyplay,soit’shardertokeeptheteamfocusedondoingwhatittakestowin.Also,you’vealreadydoneit,soyoucan’t rely on the same drive that makes people climbmountains for the firsttime;winningisn’tnewanymore.Also,there’satemptationtobelievethatthelast championshipwill somehowwin the next one automatically.Youhave tokeep going out there game after game.Besides, you’re getting older, and lesswillingtoputupwithaggravationandpain…Whenyoufindsomeonewhoatage30or35hasthemotivationtooverrulethatincreasingpainandaggravation,youhaveachampion.”29

Ididn’tseethewords“stats”or“numbers”inthere.It’sallaboutwinning.Youcan tellwhich current teamsmay have discovered The Secretwell before theplayoffs. The Celtics finished the 2007–8 preseason as a noticeably tightergroup; already rejuvenated by the Garnett/Allen trades, traveling together inItaly without cell phones had bonded them in an unconventionally effectiveway.30Theyhatched theirowncatch-phrase,“Ubuntu,”aBantu-derivedwordthatroughlymeans

“togetherness.”TheyhungoutevenafterreturningtotheStates;insteadofthreeplayers heading out for a movie or postgame dinner, the number invariablyshadedclosertonineorten.Beforeeverytip-off,EddieHouseandJamesPoseystoodnearthescorer’stableandgreetedthestartersonebyone,31withEddieperforming elaborate handshakes and Posey wrapping them in bear hugs andwhisperingmotivationalthoughts.Benchguyspulledforstartersliketheywerethewhitest,dorkiesttenth-gradersonaprepschoolteam.Whenthestarterscameoutforbreathers,therolesreversed.Andthat’showtheseasonwent.Theplayermost responsible for that collective unselfishness (Garnett) placed third in theMVP balloting because of subpar-for-him numbers; meanwhile, the Celticsjumped from theworst record in2007 to thebest record in2008.Where’s thestatistic for that? (Shit, I forgot: it’s called wins.) But that’s what makesbasketballsogreat.Youhavetowatchthegames.Youhavetopayattention.Youcannotgetseducedbynumbersandstats.EvenasIwasfranticallyfinishingthisbook, I couldn’t help noticingLeBron’s ’09Cavaliers developingUbuntu-likechemistryandravingaboutitconstantly—howmuchtheylovedeachother,how(pickaplayer)hadn’tenjoyedhimselfthismuchplayingbasketballbefore,andso on. Talking about it, they had that same look in their collective eye that abuddy gets when he’s raving about killer sexwith his new girlfriend:This is

amazing.I’veneverhadanythinglike thisbefore.AndIwasthinking,“WheredidIjustreadsomethinglikethis?”ThenIremembered.ItwasaquotefromaDecember1974SportsIllustratedfeatureabouttheWarriors:

Thereareasupergroupofguysonthisteam.Playerswhoputtheteamaheadofself. I think basketball is the epitome of team sport anyhow, and we’ve gotplayers now who complement one another for the sake of the team. Teamsuccess iswhateveryonehere isafter. I’venever seenaguydownonhimselfafterhehadabadperformance,as longaswewon. In thepasthemighthavebeenmoreconcernedabouthispoorshooting,andevenifwehadhappenedtowinthegamehewouldn’thavebeenanyhappier.

Youknowwho said that?RickBarry.That’s right, the singlebiggestprickofthat era. Something clicked for him on that particularWarriors team: he wasfeelingit,hefeltcomfortablediscussingit

…andyes, he earned aFinalsMVP trophy sixmonths later.Any time a starplayer raves about his team likeBarry did, you know that team is headed forgood things. You just do. Of course, any team can channel a collectiveunselfishnessforoneseason.Howdoyoukeepitgoingafterwinningatitleandthe riches that gowith it?FormerMontreal goalieKenDryden explained thatwinning

becomesastateofmind,anobligation,anexpectation; in theend,anattitude.Excellence. It’s a rare chance to playwith the best, to be the best.When youhave it, you don’twant to give it up. It’s not easy and it’s not always fun…whenyouwinasoftenaswedo,youearnarighttolose.It’slosingtorememberwhatwinningfeelslike.Butit’sagameofchicken.Ifyouletitgo,youmightnever get it back.Youmay find it’s a high-paid, pressureless comfort to yourliking.Icanfeelithappeningthisyear.Ifwewin,nextyearwillbeworse.32

Russelllivedforthatpressure,defininghimselfandeveryoneelsebyhowthey

respondedtoit:

Evenwithallthetalent,thementalsharpness,thefun,theconfidenceandyourfocushoneddown towinning, there’llbea levelofcompetitionwhereall thatevensout.Thenthepressurebuilds,andforthechampionit’satestofheart….Heartinchampionshastodowiththedepthofyourmotivation,andhowwellyourmindandbodyreacttopressure.It’sconcentration—thatis,beingabletodowhatyoudoundermaximumpainandstress.33

Soreally,repeatingaschampions(orwinningathirdtime,orafourth)hingesonhow a team deals with constant panic (not wanting to lose what it has) andpressure (not only coming through again and again, but trusting it will comethrough). You can handle those phenomenas only if you’ve got a certainframework in place, and as long as the superstar and his sidekicks remaincommittedtothatframework.Wiltcapturedonetitle(’67)andwastradedwithinfourteenmonths.Heonlycaredaboutwinningonetitle;defendingitwasn’tasinteresting, so he gravitated toward another challenge (leading the league inassists). Meanwhile, Russell still ritually puked before big games in histhirteenthseason.Hehadenoughringstofillbothhandsanditdidn’tmatter.Heknewnothingelse.Winningconsumedhim.MerelybybeingaroundRussellandfeedingoffhisimmensecompetitiveness,histeammatesendedupcaringjustasmuch.Youcan’tstumbleintothatcollectivefeeling,butwhenithappens—anditdoesn’thappenoften—youdoanythingtoprotectit.That’swhatmakesgreatteamsgreat.

And that’s why we remember the Jordan-Pippen teams so fondly. Whatcementedtheirlegacywasn’tthefirstfivetitlesbutthelastone,whentheywererunningonfumesandsurvivingsolelyonprideandJordan’s indomitablewill.Myfavoritestretchhappenedin theEasternFinals—Game7, trailingby three,sixminutes to play—when the exhaustedBullswouldn’t roll over for a reallygood Pacers team that seemed ready to knock them off. Remember Jordanbeatingseven-foot-fourRikSmitsonajumpball,orPippenouthustlingReggieMillerforacruciallooseballinthelastfewminutes?RememberhowtheBulls

crashed the offensive boards34 that night and didwhatever it took to prevail?Remember how Jordan struggled with dead legs and a flat jump shot, so hestarteddrivingtothebasketagainandagain,willinghimselftothefoullinelikearunningbackmovingthechains?RememberJordanandPippenstandingwiththeir hands on their knees atmidcourt in the final seconds, completely spent,unabletosummonenoughenergytocelebrate?

TheywouldnotallowtheBullstolosethatgame.Youdon’tlearnaboutagreatteamorgreatplayerswhenthey’rewinning;youlearnaboutthemwhenthey’restrugglingandclawingtoremainontop.Bycontrast,theShaq/KobeLakersonlywonthreetitleswhenthenumbershouldhavebeenclosertoeight.Sinceitwasmildly astonishing towatch them implode at the time, I can’t imagine how itmightlookforfansofsubsequentgenerations.

Wait, theyhad twoof the top threeplayers inbasketballat thesame timeandonlywonthreetitlesinadilutedleague?Howisthatpossible?

For the same reason thatdowngrading toAguirremade the ’89Pistonsbetter.ForthesamereasonthateveryoneintheeightieswouldhavecommittedacrimetoplaywithBirdorMagic.ForthesamereasonthatplayersfromRussell’seradefendhimsovehementlynow.ForthesamereasonthateveryplayerfromthelastdozenyearswouldhaveratherplayedwithDuncanthananyoneelse.It’snotaboutstatisticsandtalentasmuchasmakingteammatesbetterandputtingyourteamaheadofyourself.That’sreallyit.35Whenateamoftalentedplayerscandoit,theybecomeunstoppableforoneseason.Whentheywanttokeepdoingitandtheycansublimatetheiregosforthegreatergood,that’swhentheybecomefascinatinginahistoricalcontext.

For the purposes of this book—loosely described as “evaluating why certainplayers and teamsmatteredmore than others”36—I couldn’t find that answerjust through statistics. I needed to immersemyself in the history of the game,readasmuchasIcouldandwatchasmuchtapeasIcould.Fivedistincttypesofplayers kept emerging: elite players who made themselves and everyone elsebetter; elite playerswhowere out for themselves; elite playerswho vacillated

back and forth between those twomind-sets depending on how it suited theirowninterests;37roleplayerswhoseimportancedoubledortripledontherightteam;andguyswhoultimatelydidn’tmatter.Wedon’tcareaboutthelastgroup.We definitely care about themiddle three groups andwe really, really, reallycareabout thefirstgroup. Icareaboutguyswhoralphedbeforecrucialgamesandcriedon televisionshowsbecauseasimple replaybroughtbackpain fromyears ago. I care that someonewalkedaway fromaguaranteed title (ormore)becauseheselfishlywantedtowinonhis terms,andIcare thatsomeonegaveaway20percentofhisminutesornumbersbecausethatsacrificemadehisteambetter. I care about glowing quotes from yellowed magazines and passionatetestimonialsfromdyingteammates.IcareaboutthethingsIwitnessedandhowthey resonated with me. And what I ultimately decided was this: when wemeasureteamsandplayersagainstoneanotherinahistoricalcontext,TheSecretmattersmorethananythingelse.

Onefinalanecdoteexplainseverything.RightafterRussell’sCelticswonthelastoftheirchampionshipsin1969,acrewoffriends,employees,ownersandmediamembers poured into Boston’s locker room expecting the typical routine ofchampagnesprayingandjubilanthugs.Russellaskedeveryoutsidertoleavethelocker room for a fewminutes.Theplayerswanted to savor themomentwitheachother,heexplained,adding tonobody inparticular,“Weareeachother’sfriends.”Theroomclearedandtheyspentthatpreciouspieceoftimecelebratingwith one another. Lord knowswhatwas said orwhat thatmomentmeant forthem. As Isiah told Dan Patrick, we wouldn’t understand. And we wouldn’t.Aftertheyreopenedthedoors,RussellagreedtoaquickinterviewwithABC’sJackTwyman,whostartedthingsoutwiththetypicallyshittynonquestionthatwe’vecometoexpectinthesesituations:“Bill,thismusthavebeenagreatwinforyou.”

Russellhappilystartedtoanswer:“Jack…”

Therestofthewordsdidn’tcome.Hesearchedforawaytodescribethefeeling.Hecouldn’tspeak.Herubbedhisrighthandacrosshisface.Stillnowords.He

finallybrokedownfora fewseconds—nocrying, justamanoverwhelmedbythemoment.Youknowwhathelookedlike?

Ellis “Red” Boyd during the climactic cornfield scene in The ShawshankRedemption.RememberwhenRed finishedAndy’semotional “hope is agoodthing”letter,foughtoffthelumpinhisthroat,staredaheadwithglassyeyesandcouldn’tevenprocesswhat justhappened?Themoment transcendedhim.Youcouldsay thesameforRussell.Themanhadreached thehighest levelanyonecan achieve in sports: the perfect blend of sweat and pain and champagne, aweathered appreciation of everything that happened, a unique connectionwithteammatesthathe’dtreasureforever.Russellknewhis’69teamwasrunningonfumes,thattheywereovermatched,thattheyprobablyshouldn’thaveprevailed.Buttheydid.Andithappenedforreasonsthathadabsolutelynothingtodowithbasketball.38

Bill Russell would never play another professional basketball game. He hadmilked The Secret for everything it was worth, capturing eleven rings andretiringasthegreatestwinnerinsportshistory.Heclungtothatsecretuntilthebitterend.Whenhisjourneywascomplete,herubbedhiseyes,foughtofftearsandsearchedforwordsthatnevercame.Bysayingnothing,hesaideverything.

Nearly three decades later, a crew fromNBAEntertainment interviewedWiltChamberlainabouthiscareer.Thesubjectofthe1969Finalscameup.

“No way we should we have lost to Boston,” the Big Dipper muttered indisbelief.“Justnoway.Imean…Istilldon’tknowhowwelosttoBoston.”

Helaughedself-consciously,finallyadding,“It’samysterytome.”

Ofcourseitwas.

1.Theterm“pullingthegoalie”means“eschewingbirthcontrolandlettingthechipsfallwheretheymay.”Usuallycouplesdiscusspullingthegoaliebeforeithappens… unless it’s Bridget Moynahan. In my case, I made the executivedecisiontospeedupplansforkidnumbertwo.Thisdidnotgooverwell.IthinkI’m the first personwho ever had a positive home pregnancy testwhipped atthemat95mph.Inmydefense,I’mgettingoldandwantedtohaveasecondkidbeforeIwouldn’tbeabletohaveacatchwiththemanymore.Ihavenoregrets.Plus, we had a son. In thewords of Joel Goodson, sometimes you gotta say,“Whatthefuck?”

2.This isaboldfaced lie—webothgotcrushedat$50 tablesat theWynnandwereinbedby1:00

a.m.Ididn’twanttoruinthestory.

3.It’sneverabadthingwhen“European”isinvolved—thatwordalwaysseemstoinvolvenudityordebauchery.Eveninporn(whichiscenteredaroundthosetwo things, anyway), you throw in the word “European” in the title and themovie suddenly seems ten timesmore appealing. Um, not that I buy porn oranything.

4.ThethingaboutEuropean-stylepoolsis thatmostoftheuninhibitedwomenwhogo toplessareusuallypeopleyou’dneverwant tosee topless…like thislady,who looked like one of theWild Samoans from theWWWF, onlywith75DDDDDDDDDDs.Thosebreastsareburnedinmybrainforever.Andnotbymychoice.

5.ThiswassuchagreatmomentthatIhadtogowithback-to-backHallofFamepop culture and sports analogies. I mean, those were two of the biggies. I’mtalking about the analogies. 6. And also because some bimbo might flasheveryone at our blackjack table. 7.This encounter tookplace about sixweeksbeforethekookytrialforAnuchaBrowneSanders’

sexualharassment lawsuit against IsiahandMadisonSquareGardenbecameanationalstory,effectivelymurderingIsiah’stenurewiththeKnicksandleadingtoasadepisodeinOctober’08

when Isiahapparentlyoverdosedonprescriptionmeds. It’sneverbeenclear if

theoverdosewasintentionalornot.Canyoutellmyeditorstoldme,“Writethisfootnotecarefully”?

8.Maybemyfavoritepartofthisstory:youknowthingswerebadwithmeandIsiah when the Knicks PR guy decided, “Instead of sticking around to helpthwartaPRholocaust,I’mgoingtofleethepremiseslikeO.J.andA.C.takingoff forMexico.” I don’t blamehim. 9.After seeing him in action, I’m totallyconvinced that Gus Johnson can resolve any feud, controversy, or territorialmatterwithin25minutes:Bloods-Crips,Richards-Locklear,Shiites-Sunnis,TO-McNabb, theGazaStrip,Vick-PETA, you name it.He’s like a cross betweenObama,Jay-Z,andCyrusfromTheWarriors.

10.Totallyunderratedpartof thestory:“Hi,I’mIsiah.”Asif therepotentiallycouldhavebeensomeconfusion.

11. I gathered all the inept 2006GMs for a fake conferencepanelwhere theygavetipsonhowtocompletelysuckattheirjob.Isiahendedupstealingthefakeshow. 12. His funniest-in-retrospect explanation was for the hideous JeromeJames signing.As Isiah spun it, he signed James to be his center, then had achance to landCurrya fewweeks laterandwent for it.Abummed-out Jamesfeltbetrayedandneverdedicatedhimself,buthey, Isiahhadachance togetayoung low-post stud like Curry and it wasworth the risk. I swear, thismadesense as hewas saying it.He swayedme enough that I never had theurge tosarcasticallyquip,“Hey,anytimeyoucanlockupEddyCurryandJeromeJamesfor$90millionandlosetwolotterypicks,youhavetodoit.”

13.ProvingyetagainthatIcangetalongwithanyoneontheplanetaslongasthey like basketball. You could dress me in red, drop me into a Cripsneighborhood, tell me that I have 12 minutes to start a high-caliber NBAconversationbeforesomebodyputsacapinmyass…andIwouldlive.14.The“DiseaseofMore” ranks rightup therewithTheTippingPoint and theEwingTheoryasoneofthethreegreatesttheoriesofthelast35years.Nosportstheorygetsvindicatedmoreonayearlybasis.Thecompletelistof“DiseaseofMore”NBAchamps:’67Sixers,’71Bucks,’75

Warriors,’77Blazers,’79Sonics,’80Lakers,’92Bulls,’00Lakers,’04Pistons.Andlet’sthrowinthefollowingNBAFinalists:’67Warriors,’81Rockets,’86Rockets,’93Suns,’95Magic,’96

Sonics,’99Knicks,’03Nets.

15.Althoughthiswasn’tsurprising.The lackof ingenuitywithquestionsfromsportsreportershasneverbeenanythinglessthanappalling.Noneofthesedoltsfollowed up on The Secret, but I bet they asked questions like “Isiah, howexcitedwouldyoubetowinatitle?”in40differentforms.Thentheywentbacktothepressroomandfoughtover thelastfourbagsofCheetos.16.In the’88Playoffs,Dantleyplayed33.9MPGandRodman20.6MPG.WhenthePistonscruised to the ’89 title, Aguirre averaged 27.1MPG andRodman 24.1MPG.Dantley/Rodmanaveragedacombined26.5PPGand11.6RPGin’88,followedby18.4PPGplus14.4RPGfromAguirre/Rodmanthefollowingspring.Sotheysacrificed eight points per game for better defense, rebounding and chemistry.Anditworked.

17. The Teacherwas blindsided by the trade.When he finally playedDetroitlaterthatseason,hesoughtoutIsiahbeforetheopeningtip,leanedintohimandsaidsomethingthatrattledIsiah.Tothisday,nobodyknowswhathesaid:itwastheNBA’sversionof“Iknowitwasyou,Fredo.”HewouldneverwinanNBAring.ButTeacher,youhavetounderstand—itwasn’taboutbasketball!

18.This show ran onESPN2 in themid-’90s: Patrickwatching classic gameswith one of its participants. The show’s biggest mistake was being only 30minutes,whichmadeitfeellikea10-minuteversionofInsidetheActorsStudio.

19. Their other weakness: Kareem stopped rebounding somewhere during the’84season.Plus,hewasstarting to look likeabonafidealienwithgoggles,ashavedheadandthatganglybody.AllLakersgamesin’88and’89shouldhavekickedoffwithKareemclimbingoutofaUFO.Butthat’sirrelevanthere.

20. That Game 6 defeat ranks among the most brutal ever. Even with Isiahbarelyabletomovebygame’send,Detroitledbythreewith60secondstoplay.Time-out,L.A.ByronScotthitajumperintraffic(102–101,52secsleft).Isiahrantheshotclockdownandmissedaone-leggedfall-away(27secsleft, time-outL.A.).Kareemgotbailedoutbyadubiouscall(Laimbeer’s“bump”onaskyhook), then drained two clutch FT’s with 14 secs left. Then Dumars badlymissedarunnercomingoutofthetime-out.Ballgame.Ifhealthy,IsiahswingsthatfinalminuteofGame6.Iampositive.Butthat’sbasketball—youneedtobegoodandlucky.

21.AftergettingwaxedbyBoston in the ’85Playoffs,McCloskey realizedhehadthreekeepers(Isiah,Vinnie,andLaimbeer)andnobodyelsewiththerightmixofathleticismandtoughnesstohangwithBoston.HeselectedDumarswiththe17thpick, tradedKellyTripuckaandKentBensonforDantley,and turnedDanRoundfieldintoMahorn(aphysicalforwardwhocouldprotectLaimbeer).Inthe’86draft,hepickedSalley11thandRodman32nd,hopingDetroitcouldwear down Bird with young legs off the bench. That same summer, he stolebackup center James Edwards from Phoenix. It’s the most creative 12-monthstretch ever submitted by an NBA GM. McCloskey built a future championaround Isiah without making a single top-10 pick or trading anything of realconsequence.

22.Wecreatedonejustforhim:nitty-gritties.SomeonelikeBattier transcendsstats. I thought it was fascinating that, in the same week that Lewis’complimentary piece was released, (a) John Hollinger’s “player efficiencyrating”onESPN.comrankedBattieras the53rdbestsmallforwardand272ndoveralloutof322players,and(b)HoustonwasshoppingBattier.23.CastAwayis onmyMount Rushmore forMost Rewatchable CableMovie of the 2000salongwithAnchorman,AlmostFamous andTheDeparted.They shouldmakeCastAway2asathrillerwhereChuckNolandloseshismindandmakeshookerswearvolleyballsover theirheadswhenhehassexwith them,eventuallystartskillingthem,thenescapespolicebylivingoutdoorsandusinghissurvivalskillsfrom the first movie. Like a combination of First Blood and Silence of theLambs. You would have paid to see this in the theater. Don’t lie. 24. Foreveryone after 2025: Spencer and Heidi were a reality TV couple whodisappearedshortlyafterthisbookwaspublishedwhenSatandecided,“EvenIcan’ttakeitanymore,”anddraggedthemintothebowelsofhell.

25. My editor (known as Grumpy Old Editor from now on) adds, “I waswatchinganMSGspecialonClydeandhementionedbeingpissedaboutWilliswinning ’70 Finals MVP because Frazier thought he deserved it, which wascertainlytrueifyoubaseditonthenumbers.ButthenhesaidthatashethoughtaboutitherealizedhewouldhaveneverdonewhathedidinGame7ifWillishadn’tinspiredhim.TheSecret,again.”

26.Billupsledthe’04Pistonsduringadiscombobulatedseasonwhentherulesswung too far in favor of elite defensive teamswhomade threes and limitedpossessions.Plus,theShaq/Kobeeracompletelyimplodedthatseason,withhalfthe teamembroiled in“I’mnot talking to thatmothafuckaanymore” fights…

andyettheystillcouldhavewonthetitleifKarlMalonehadn’tgottenhurt.

27.EveryfanoftheSunsfrom2004to2007justrammedthisbookagainsttheirheads. 28. That same dynamic doubles for any military unit or dorm hall ofcollegefreshmen:thehumanclosenesscannotbereconstructedonalargerscale.

29.Thatsectionfinishedlikethis:“Rarelywillyouseeanathletewhohasn’tputon10or15

poundsoverafullcareer,butevenrareraretheoneswhodon’tputonthesameamount ofmental fat.That’s the biggest killer of aging champions, because itworksonyourconcentrationandyourmental toughness,whichare themarginof victory; it prevents you from using your mind to compensate for yourdiminishedphysicalskills.”Iliketheconceptof“mentalfat.”Doesthismeanathirty-five-year-oldEddyCurrywouldhaverealfatandmentalfat?What’sthatgonnalooklike?

30. Kudos to Doc Rivers for smartly banning all mobile devices on the trip.AlthoughIthinktheplayerswerestillallowedtoorderpornintheirhotelrooms.

31. Even if you could describe Posey’s man hugs as corny, homoerotic orgenuinely uncomfortable (especially if youwere sitting in the first few rows),they symbolized the closeness of that team.After theHornets importedPoseyfor$25millionthatsummer,IwatchedPoseydoleoutmanhugsforChrisPaulandDavidWest;forthefirsttime,IcansaythatIwatchedothermenhugandfeltwistful about it. Itwas like getting three fantastic dances from a stripper,feeling like you had a connection with her, then seeing her 45 minutes latergrinding on the lap of some seedy 300-pound dude. The NBA: wherequestioningyoursexualityhappens!

32.ThisisfromTheGame,Dryden’sexcellentaccountofhisfinalseasonwiththeMontreal Canadiens, a team that played in something called the NationalHockeyLeague.33.IfeltthesamewayasIwasfranticallytryingtofinishthisbook with a deadline hanging over my head. Do you think Russell usedcigarettes, booze, coffee, Pilates, and a $2,000 Relax the Back chair torepeatedlycomethroughunderstressenrouteto11titles?Orwasthatjustme?IttookmesolongtofinishthisbookthatIactuallystartedsmokingagain(justtwoorthreeperdaywhenIwaswriting,forthenicotinerush)andquitsmokingagain,andthetwoeventsseemedliketheyhappened10yearsapart.

34.Weirdstatsfromthatgame:MJ/Pippenshot15for43;Chicagomissed17of41FTs;Rodmandidnothing(22minutes,6boards);andIndyshot48%(Bulls:38%).SohowdidtheBullsdoit?

They had 22 offensive rebounds, and 26 second-chance points, and theycontrolledtheballlikeahockeyteamdownthestretch—fromthe7:13marktothe 0:31mark (when they clinched the game), they held the ball for 270 of apossible402seconds.And that includes20–25secondsofdead timewhen theclock kept running after they made baskets. Incredible game to rewatch. 35.Weird parallel: The best wrestlers are also held to this standard within theirranks.Forinstance,RicFlairandShawnMichaelsareconsideredtobethebestoftheirrespectivegenerations.Why?

Because they sold the shit of their opponents. They could have a greatmatchagainst anybody, even if itwas someonewith fourmoves likeHulkHoganorUndertaker.Onlythreesportsworkthisway:basketball,hockeyandwrestling.That’sright, I justcalledprowrestlingasport.Youhaveaproblemwith that?Huh?

36.Thisshouldbearivetingsellonthetalk-showandtalk-radiocircuit.IthinkI’m going to lie and pretend that there’s a chapter in here that definitivelyanswersthequestions“DidJordangetsuspendedforgambling?”“Wasthe1985lotteryfixed?”“WasTimDonaghyactingalone?”“DidKobereallydoit?”and“WasWiltChamberlain’s20,000figureanelaboratewayofcoveringupthefactthathewasgay?”Whentheyaskformoreinfo,I’lljustsay,“Look,you’llhaveto read the book.” Then I’ll kill the rest of the time talking about howBarryworeawigduringthe1976

Playoffs.There’snowayinhell thatStephenColbertwon’tberivetedbythat.37.Kobealert!Kobealert!

38.JustlikeIsiah,hetriedtopassTheSecretonafterhisplayingdaysandfailedinSeattleandSacramento.It’sneverbeenexplainedwhythesamelegendswhoembracedTheSecretoratleastunderstoodit(Russell,MJ,Bird,Magic,Cousy,Baylor andMcHale, to name seven) couldn’t apply that same secret to teamstheywererunning.It’sliketheoppositeofVD—youcan’tpassitalong.

TWO

RUSSELL,THENWILT

THEGREATESTDEBATEinNBAhistorywasn’treallyadebate.Ithinkthisisstrange.Forinstance,youmightbelievethatthegreatesttelevisiondramaofall timewasTheSopranos. Ibelieveit’sTheWire. Ifwekneweachotherandthiscameupafterafewdrinksonenight,Iwouldrefusetotalkaboutanythingelseuntilyouconcededoneofthreethings:

1.“You’reright,Iamanidiot,thegreatesttelevisiondramaofall-timewasTheWire.”

2. “I don’t know if you’re right, but I promise to plow through all sixty-fiveepisodesofTheWireasfastaspossibleandthenwecancontinuethisdebate.”

3.“You’rebotheringme.Ineedtogetawayfromyou.”

Those would be the only three acceptable outcomes for me. Still, it’s asubjective opinion—I might believe The Wire can’t be approached, butultimatelyIcan’tproveitandcanonlyarguemyside.That’sit.Butifwewerearguing about the greatest debate in NBA history—Bill Russell or WiltChamberlain?—IcanproveRussellwasbetter.There’sadefinitiveanswerthatinvolvescommonsense, firsthandaccounts, relevantstatisticsand thevaluableopinions of teammates, fellow players, coaches, and educated writers whowatchedthembattlefortenstraightseasons.1

Youknowwhatit’slike,actually?WritingaboutO.J.Simpson’smurdertrial.Afew days after theGoldman-Brown killings,when the Juicemade his abortedattempttofleetoMexico,anoverwhelmingmajorityofAmericansassumedhewasguilty.HiscriminaltrialstartedandwelearnedaboutapatternofcorruptionandracismwithintheL.A.PoliceDepartment.Wediscoveredthatmuchofthebloodevidencewasmishandled.Wewatchedtheoverwhelmedprosecutionteamunforgivablybotchitscase.Butnoneofitmatteredbecausethisguyhadtobeguilty.After all, his blooddripped all over the crime scene, hedidn’t have analibiduringthetimeofthemurders,hehadamysteriouscutonhisleftmiddlefingerthatmatchedthedripsofbloodfromsomeonewhofledthecrimescene,he had a history of threatening and beating his wife, there were no othersuspects,anditseemedproposterousthatsomanyineptpolicemenandforensicscientistscouldcollaborativelyconspiretoframesomeoneonsuchshortnotice.2

Smartly, if not reprehensibly, the defense teambattered the race card home—that was their only chance to get a guilty person acquitted, even if it meantsplinteringthecountryanddamagingtherelationshipbetweenblacksandwhitesin the process—and lucked out because many of the dense jurors couldn’tunderstood the damaging DNA evidence in the pre -CSI era. To everyone’sdisbelief,O.J.Simpsonwalked.Facingmorecompetentattorneysanda lesserlevelofproofoneyearlater,theJuicewaspulpedinaciviltrialandorderedtopaytheGoldman/Brownfamilies$30

million in punitive damages. Fifteen years later, even though we haven’tconvictedanyone for themurdersofNicoleSimpsonandRonGoldman—shit,wehaven’tevenfoundapotentialsuspect—moreandmoreAmericansbelieveSimpsonwas innocentornot conclusivelyguilty.Give it another fifteenyearsandevenmorewillbelievehewasframed.Bytheyear2035,nobodyunderfortywillrememberthedetails,justthatO.J.walkedandthatmaybe,justmaybe,thatmeanthewasinnocent.NoneofthischangesthefactthatO.J.eitherkilledtwopeoplehimselforwas

“involved”with the dirty deed in someotherway. It’s impossible to comeupwithanyotherreasonableconclusion.Unlessyou’reinsane.

Same goes for theRussell-Chamberlain debate.Wiltwasmore talented; Russgavehisteamsabetterchancetowin.Wilthadagreaterstatisticalimpact;Russhadagreaterimpactonhisteammates.Wiltpeakedintheregularseason;Russpeakedintheplayoffs.Wiltshrankfromtheclutch;Russthrivedintheclutch.Wiltlostnearlyeverybiggame;Russwonnearlyeverybiggame.Wiltaveraged50pointsforoneseason;RussellwasvotedMostValuablePlayerbyhispeersthat same season.Wiltwas traded twice inhis career;Russneverwouldhavebeen traded in a million years. Wilt was obsessed with statistics; Russ wasobsessedwithwinning.Wiltcaredaboutwhatfans,writers,andcriticsthought;Russ only cared what his teammates thought. Wilt never won a title in highschool or college and won only two as a pro; Russ won two in college andeleven in theNBA.Wilt ignoredTheSecret;Russell embraced it. I shouldn’thavetowasteanentirechapteronthemfortwoindisputablereasons:Russell’steamsalwaysbeatChamberlain’steams,andWiltwastradedtwice.Rightthere,it’s over.And really, itwas overwhenRussell retired in 1969 as the greatestbasketballplayerever.

But a few years passed, and then a few more, and then a few more.Chamberlain’s numbers started to look more and more implausible. The“debate”heatedupagain.NowIhave towasteawholechapterdebunking thesixmostcommonmythsoftheChamberlain-Russelldebate.Soherewego.

MYTHNO.1:

RUSSELLHADABETTERSUPPORTING

CASTTHANWILT

There isn’t a simpler team sport to understand than basketball: if two qualityopponentsplayaseven-gameseries,thedominantplayershouldprevailaslongasthetalentlevelonbothsidesisrelativelyequal.Wehavesixtyyearsofhard-core evidence to back this up. The ’84 Celtics were dead even with the ’84Lakers,butBirdplayedbetterthanMagicintheFinals.The’93Sunswerebetterthan the ’93Bulls, but Jordanplayedout of hismind.MosesMalonewas thedominant player in the ’81 Finals, but Houston’s collective talent couldn’thandle Boston’s collective talent. This isn’t rocket science. Since the 1976merger,onlyoneFinals resultstilldoesn’tmakesenseonpaper:when the’04Pistonssoundlydefeatedamoretalented(butquietlyimploding)Lakersteam,3a wake-up call for a league that had been slowly gravitating toward lower-scoring games, fewer possessions, swarming, physical defenses and a muchslowerpace.As longas the talent levelbetween two teams isrelativelyequal,theteamwiththebestplayershouldwin.Sothesupporting-castcardworkswithRussell andWilt only if we prove that the talent disparity was not relativelyequal.Rightoffthebat,it’salmostimpossiblebecausetheNBAdidn’texpandto ten teams until 1967, giving everyone a good supporting cast (even thecrummyteams).PeopleseemtothinkRussellplayedwithonlyHallofFamersandpoorWiltwasstuckcarryingabunchofbeer-belliedbums;notonlyisthaterroneous, but itwould have been impossible given the numbers. Imagine thecurrentNBAifyouremovedeveryforeignplayer,choppedthenumberofblackplayersinhalf,thencutthenumberofteamsfromthirtytoeight.WouldeveryteamendupwiththreeAll-Starsandfourorfivesolidroleplayersatworst?Ofcourse.WelcometotheNBAfrom1956to1966.

(Warning: If I just wrote, “Wilt’s teammates were better than you think andRussell’steammatesweren’tasgreatasyouthink,”youwouldn’tbelieveme,sowe’recoveringeachseasoninpainstakingdetailthewayBarryScheckclinicallytookaparttheDNAevidenceintheO.J.trial,andifwekillafewthousandtreesintheprocess,sobeit.Tokeepyouentertained,Iloadedthebottomofthepages

withdumbfootnotes.)

Here’showtheseasonsshookoutafterRussellenteredtheleague:

1957.Russell joinsBostonmid-Januaryafterbangingoutmilitaryduty,4 thenthe Celts squeak by Philly (featuring Hall of Famers Paul Arizin and NeilJohnston)inthePlayoffsandmeetSt.LouisintheFinals.Bostonhastwostudguardsintheirprime(BillSharmanand’57MVPBobCousy)andthreeterrificrookies(Russell,Heinsohn,andFrankRamsey),whileSt.LouishasBobPettit(two-timeMVP),Macauley(HallofFamer)andSlaterMartin5(HallofFamer,second-teamAll-NBAthatseason),aswellasCharlieShare,JackColemanandJackMcMahon(threehighlyregardedroleplayers).SinceBostonwonGame7indoubleOT,6it’ssafetosaythesetwoteamswereequallytalented.

1958.TheHawks exact revenge thanks toup-and-comerCliffHagan (second-team All-NBA, Hall of Famer) and Russell’s badly sprained ankle. 7 Again,eventalentonbothsides.

1959.Bostonstarts topullaway: threeAll-NBAfirst-teamers (Russell,Cousy,andSharman), twopromisingguards (SamandKCJones), thebest sixthman(Ramsey) and one of the best scoring forwards (Heinsohn). Even then, theyneededsevengamestogetpastSyracuse(ledbyNBATop50membersDolphSchayesandHalGreer)beforeeasilysweepingElginand theLakers.Throughthree years and two titles, Russell and theCeltics had themost talent exactlyonce.

1960.BostonhandlesPhillyinsixandneedsseventodefeataHawksteamwithfour Hall of Famers (including newcomer Lenny Wilkens). Meanwhile, WiltwinstheMVPasarookieplayingwithArizin(tenstraightAll-Stars),TomGola(five straight All-Stars, Hall of Famer), Guy Rodgers 8 (four All-Stars) and

Woody Sauldsberry (’58 Rookie of the Year, ’59 All-Star). Boston hadmorefirepower,butnotbymuch.Wiltwasn’texactlystuckplayingwithEricSnow,DrewGooden,SashaPavlovic,LarryHughes,andTurdoSandowichlike2007LeBron.

1961.We’rekickingoffatwo-yearstretchforthemostloadedNBAteamever:BostoneasilyhandlesSyracuseandSt.Louisfortitlenumberfour.Meanwhile,Philly gets swept by a weaker Nats team in the first round, leading to Wiltthrowinghisfirstcoachunderthebusaftertheseason(arecurringtheme).9

1962.Stillloadedtothegills,BostonneedssevengamestodefeatWilt’sSixersandanOTGame7intheFinalstodefeatBaylor,JerryWestandtheLakers.I’mtellingyou,everyonehadagoodteambackthen.10

1963.Thefirstsignoftrouble:Sharmanretires,CousyandRamseyareslipping,androokieJohnHavlicekisn’tHondoyet.BostonneedssevengamestoholdoffCincy (led by Hall of Famers Oscar Robertson, Jack Twyman, and WayneEmbry)andanothersixtobeattheLakers.11

Meanwhile, Phillymoves toSanFran, finishes 31–49 andmisses the playoffswithWilt,Rodgers,TomMeschery(anAll-Star),AlAttles(KCJones’equalasa defensive stopper) andWillieNaulls (four-timeAll-Star).But hey, if they’dwonmoregames,maybeWiltwouldn’thaveaveraged44.8

pointsthatseason.12

1964.Cousy retires and noCelticmakes first-teamAll-NBA, but that doesn’tstopBostonfrombeatingastackedCincyteam(ledbyOscarandrookieoftheyear JerryLucas) and easily handlingWilt’sWarriors in the Finals (the samegroupasthe’63Sixers,onlywithfutureHallofFamerNateThurmondaboard).Boston won without a point guard or power forward this season—other thanRussell,theydidn’thaveatop-twentyrebounderoranyoneaveragemorethan5

assists—butwe’llgive themacheckmark in the“most talent”department forthelasttimeintheRussellera.13

1965. Ramsey retires and Heinsohn fades noticeably in his final season.Undaunted,theCeltsfinishwiththeirbestrecordoftheRussellera(62–18)andsmokeL.A.intheFinalsthankstotheirBigThree(Russell,Havlicek,andSamJones) and a bunch of role players (including a monster year from SatchSanders).As for theWarriors, they self-destruct and lose seventeen in a row,eventuallytradingWiltfor30centsonthedollartoPhillymidwaythroughtheseason.14Forthefirsttime,Wilt’steammatchesBoston’stalentwithshootingguard Hal Greer (ten straight All-Star games), Lucious Jackson (an All-Starpowerforwardwhofinishedeighthinreboundingthatseason),swingmanChetWalker(seven-timeAll-Star),pointguardLarryCostello(six-timeAll-Star)andtwo quality role players (Dave Gambee and Johnny Kerr). That’s why theSixers-CelticsseriescomesdowntothefinalplayofGame7attheGarden,withHavlicekstealingtheinboundspassasJohnnyMostscreams,“Havlicekstoletheball!Havlicekstoletheball!”

1966.Heinsohncoughsupafifteen-poundoysterandretires,KCJonesisfadingfast,andtheCeltsareforcedtorelyonagingveterans(NaullsandMelCounts)15andcastoffsfromotherteams(DonNelsonandLarrySiegfried)tohelptheBigThreeinAuerbach’sfinalseason.ForthefirsttimewithRussell,theydon’tfinishwith the league’s best record as Philly edges them (55wins to 54).Asusual, it doesn’tmatter—Boston beats Philly in five andwinsGame 7 of theFinalsagainstL.A.bytwopoints.Phillyhadmoretalentthisseason.Onpaper,anyway.

1967.KC retires, another veteran castoff comes aboard (futureHall of FamerBailey Howell), and Russell struggles mightily to handle the first year of hisplayer-coachduties.16Fromdayone,it’sPhilly’syear:givenanextraboostbyrookieBillyCunninghamandWilt’s sudden revelation thathedoesn’tneed toscore to help his teamwin (more on this in a second), the Sixers roll to theirfamous68-winseason,toppletheCelticsinfive,andbeattheWarriorsinsixfor

Wilt’sfirsttitle.ThiswastheperfectstormforWilt—hisstrongestpossibleteamagainstBoston’sweakestpossibleteam.

1968.Wilt leads the league in assists. And Philly finishes eight games betterthantheCeltics.TheagingCeltsrallyfroma3–1deficitintheEasternFinalstoadvance,thenbeatareallygoodLakersteamforRussell’stenthtitle.Aftertheseason,PhillytradesWilttoL.A.for40centsonthedollar.17

1969.WithRussellandJonesrunningonfumes,everyonewritestheCelticsoffaftertheyfinishfourthintheEast.Inthefirstround,theybeatafavoredSixersteaminfive.Inthesecondround, theybeatafavoredKnicksteaminsix—thesamegroupthatwinsthe1970titleandgetsblownforthenexttwenty-fiveyearsby the New York media as the Greatest Team Ever. In the Finals, as 9-to-5underdogs to Baylor,West,Wilt, and the Lakers, they rally back from a 3–1deficitandwinGame7inLosAngeles.

Sohere’sthefinaltally:Overaten-yearspan,Russell’steamsclearlyhadmoretalent thanWilt’s teams for four seasons (’61, ’62, ’63, and ’64) and a slightedgeinWilt’sfirstseason(1960).In

’65, Philly and Boston were a wash. From ’66 through ’69, Wilt played forstronger teams, making the final record 5–4–1, Russell. For six of those tenseasons,youcouldhavedescribed the talentdisparityas“equal”or“relativelyequal.”AfterRussellretiredthatsummer,the’70LakerslostthefamousWillisReed game inGame 7 of the Finals; the ’71Lakers suffered a season-endinginjury to Jerry West and lost to the eventual champions, the Bucks; the ’72Lakerswon69gamesandcruisedtoWilt’ssecondtitle;andthe’73LakerslostaFinalsrematchtotheKnicks.Wiltretiredafteraten-yearstretchinwhichheplayedinthe1964Finalsandlost,thenplayedforteamstalentedenoughtowinachampionshipeverysingleyear for thenextnine.SomuchforRussellbeingblessedwith a better supporting cast thanChamberlain. If there’s a legitimategripe onWilt’s behalf, it’s that Russell was lucky enough to have Auerbachcoachinghimfortenyears.Thenagain,RedisonrecordsayinghenevercouldhavecoachedaprimadonnalikeWilt.Also,ifyou’rescoringathome:Russell

played with four members of the NBA’s Top 50 at 50 (Havlicek, Cousy,SharmanandSamJones);Wiltplayedwithsixmembers(Baylor,West,Greer,Cunningham,Arizin, and Thurmond). AndRussell’s teammates from 1957 to1969wereselectedtotwenty-sixAll-Stargames,whileWilt’s teammatesfrom1960to1973wereselectedtotwenty-four.Let’snevermentionthesupporting-castcardagainwithRussellandChamberlain.Thankyou.

MYTHNO.2:

RUSSELLWASN’TAVERYGOODOFFENSIVEPLAYER

Here’swherehistorytreatedRussellunfairly.Weglorifytheunselfishpassingofthe’70Knicks,WesUnseld’sone-of-a-kindoutletsandWalton’saltruisticplayon the ’77Blazers,yet JohnnyKerrwas the league’s firstgreatpassingcenterand Russell came next. Remember how Portland’s offense revolved aroundWalton’s passing in ’77?18 The Celtics ran every half-court play throughRussellafterCousyretiredbecause theylackeda truepointguardoraJordan-likescorer.WhenyouwatchRussontape,hispassingjumpsoutnearlyasmuchashisdefense—notjusthisknackforfindingcuttersforlay-ups,buthoweasilyhe foundstreakingguards foreasy fastbreaksdirectlyoffblocksor rebounds.Here’swhatHavlicekwroteinhisimaginativelytitled1977

autobiography,Hondo,aboutthefirstpost-Russellseason:“Youcouldn’tbegintocountthewayswemissed[him].Peoplethinkabouthimintermsofdefenseandrebounding,buthehadbeenthekeytoouroffense.HemadethebestpassmorethananyoneIhaveeverplayedwith.ThatmatteredtopeoplelikeNelson,Howell,Siegfried,Sandersandmyself.Noneofuswereoneononeplayers….Russellmadeusbetteroffensiveplayers.Hisabilityasapasser,pick-setter,andgeneralsurmiserofoffensehasalwaysbeenoverlooked.”

Sowhy doesn’t Russell get credit for his passing?BECAUSEWALTONWASWHITEAND

RUSSELL WAS BLACK! Just kidding; I was doing a Stephen A. Smith

impersonation.19Actually,Russelldoesn’tgetcredit for thesamereason thateveryone thinks he played with eight Hall of Famers every year for thirteenseasons,orthathisteamswerealwaysmoretalentedthanWilt’steams:becausepeopledon’tknowanybetter, andbecause it’s easier to regurgitate somethingyouheard than to look it up.Four things standoutwhenwatchingRussell ontape: his passing (superb), his shot blocking (unparalleled), his speed gettingdownthecourt(breathtaking),andhisunexpectedtalentforgrabbingarebound,takingoffwithit,andrunningthefastbreaklikeapointguard(hastobeseentobe believed). Russell was like a left-handed, infinitely more cerebral DennisRodman,onlyifRodmanhadWalton’spassingtalent,DavidRobinson’sathleticabilityandMichael Jordan’smaniacaldrive, and ifRodmancouldblock shotslikeJoshSmithunleashedontheWNBAforanentireseason.

(Wouldyouhaveenjoyedplayingwithsuchaplayer?Ithoughtso.)

MYTHNO.3:STATISTICALLY,WILTCRUSHEDRUSSELL

Wilt’sfirstnineoffensiveseasonswereunlikeanythingthat’shappenedbeforeorsince.Heaveraged37.6pointsand27.6reboundsasarookie,then38.4and27.2;50.4and25.7;44.8and24.3;36.9and22.3;34.7and22.9;33.5,24.6and5.3assists in ’66;24.1,24.2and7.8witha record68.3%FGshooting in ’67;and 24.3, 23.8 and a league-leading 8.6 assists in ’68. For his career, heaveraged 30.1 points, 22.9 rebounds and 4.4 assists in the regular season.Onpaper, it’s staggering. 20 Russell’s career offensive numbers can’t compareexcept for rebounds—heaveraged15.1points, 22.5boards and4.3 assists pergame,peakingin1960(18.2points,24.0rebounds)and1964(15.0points,24.7reboundsand4.7assists).Intheirhead-to-headmatchups,WilthandedittoRussstatistically, although Auerbach and the old Celtics swear that Russ playedpossumforthreequarters,allowedWilttoaccumulatestatsandthensmotheredhim in the fourth; he’d also relax during blowouts and allow meaninglessnumbersthatdidn’tmatter(knowingthatWiltwasobsessedwithstats).Russellplayed911gamesinthelasttenyearsofhiscareer,withanastounding142ofthemcomingagainstWilt(15.6percent)inatinyleague.Byallaccounts,Russ

pulledaperpetualrope-a-dopeagainstWiltalongthelinesofAliinZaire,whenAli allowed Foreman to punch himself out, then finished him off later in thefight.Russsavedmostofhisanti-Wilttricksforbiggamesandbigmoments.

Herearetheirhead-to-headstatsin142games(includingplayoffs):

Wilt:28.7points,28.7rebounds

Russ:14.5points,23.7rebounds

Atthispoint,you’rethinking,“Comeon,Simmons,thisiscrazy.Youhavenocase.”Well,herearesomemorestatsforyou:

Wilt’srecordagainstRussell:58–84

Russ’srecordagainstWilt:84–58

Holdon,we’rejustgettingstarted.Checkouttheirplayoffnumbers.

Wilt:160games,22.5points,24.5rebounds,4.2assists,47%FT,52%FG

Russ:165games,16.2points,24.9rebounds,4.7assists,60%FT,43%FG

Hmmmmmmm. Russell’s numbers jumped and Wilt’s numbers dippeddramaticallywhentherewasmoneyontheline,eventhoughWiltwasroutinelyhisteam’snumberonescoringoptionandRusswasnumberfourorfive.Sure,Wilt averaged three more baskets a game, but everything else was even and

Russellhappenedtobeasuperiordefensiveplayer,teammate,basketballthinkerandcrunch-timeguy.Whichishowweendupwiththefollowingstatistics:

Wilt’srecordfortheConferenceFinalsandNBAFinals:48–44

Russ’srecordfortheConferenceFinalsandNBAFinals:90–53

Andthese:

Wilt’srecordinGame7’s:4–5

Russ’srecordinGame7’s:10–0

Andthese:

Wilt’srecordineliminationgamesforhisteam:10–11

Russ’srecordineliminationgamesforhisteam:16–2

Andthese:

Wilt:2championships

Russ:11championships21

Soyeah,byanystatisticalcalculation,WiltChamberlainwasthegreatestregularseasonplayerinNBAhistory.Iconcedethisfact.Fortheplayoffs?Notsogreat.

Andthenthere’sthis:sincetheCelticsdidn’tneedhisscoring,Russellspenthisenergies protecting the rim, helping out defensively, controlling the boards,getting good shots for teammates and filling the lanes on fast breaks. In theprocess, he became themost dominant defensive player ever—nobody comesclose, actually—and it’s statistically impossible to calculate his effect on thatend.22Russellroutinelyswalloweduptheextendedareaneartherim,handlingall penetrators and displaying a remarkable knack for keeping blocks in play.WhereasWiltfamouslyswattedshotslikevolleyballspikesfordramaticeffect,Russelldeflectedblockstoteammatesforinstantfastbreaks;notonlydidthoseblocks result in four-point swings, butAuerbach’sCelticswerebuilt on thosefour-point swings.That’s how theywent on scoring spurts, that’swhat standsout every time youwatch those teams, and that’swhy they keptwinning andwinning—they had the perfect center to launch fast breaks and the perfectsupporting cast to execute them. Opponents eventually gave up challengingRussellandsettledforoutsideshots,whichdoesn’tsoundlikeabigdealexceptthiswasanotoriouslypooreraforoutsideshooting.23

SoRussellaffectedeverypossessionevenwithoutswattingshots,almostlikeabounceratarowdybarwhokicksassforafewweeksandeventuallylowersthefight rate tozero justby showingup. If thatweren’t enough,Boston’s scorersfamously saved their energies on defense because they had Russell lurkingbehindthemtocovereverymistake,sooffense-firstguyslikeCousy,Sharman,HeinsohnandSamJones found themselves in thedreamsituationofworryingaboutscoringandthat’sit.

Canyoucapture that impact statistically?Of coursenot. It’s impossible.Theydidn’tstartkeepingtrackofblocksuntil1973,sothere’snoquantitativewaytoprove Russell’s dominance on the defensive end; it’s like trying to measureChamberlain’soffensedominance ifnobodykept trackof individualpoints,sowewereforcedtorelyonstoriesfromwriters,teammates,andopponents,like,“There was this one game in Hershey, Pennsylvania, whenWilt really had itgoing against theKnicks. I swear, hemusta had100points!”24Wiltmatched

Russell’s reboundingnumbersandprobablyblockedmoreshots thananynon-Russell center, but his defense couldn’t compare for two reasons. First, hewasn’t a natural jumper like Russell, someone who sprang up at a moment’snotice and jumpedmultiple times on the same play. (SinceWiltwas carryingmoreweight,hewasforcedtosethisfeet,bendhiskneesandthenjump,almostlikesomeoneleapingoveramovingcar.Manyopponentslearnedtotimethosejumpsandfloatshotsoverhisconsiderablereach.25

Youdidn’thavetheluxuryoftiminganythingwithRussell.)Second,Wiltwascontinually obsessedwith a bizarre streak—forwhatever reason, hewanted tomake it through his entire basketball career without fouling out, so he’d stopchallengingshotswithfourorfivefoulsevenifhewashurtinghisteamintheprocess.I’mnotmakingthisup.

(Seriously,I’mnotmakingthisup.)

(Wait, you don’t believe me? Here’s what John Havlicek wrote in Hondo:“Wilt’sgreatestidiosyncrasywasnotfoulingout.Hehadneverfouledoutofahigh school, collegeor professional game and thatwas theone recordhewasdetermined toprotect.Whenhegot that fourth foul,hisgamewouldchange. Idon’tknowhowmanypotentialvictorieshemayhavecheatedhis teamoutofbynotreallyplayingafterhegotintofoultrouble.”)26

Translation:Wiltcaredaboutstatisticsmorethanwinning.Iftheykepttrackofblocks in the sixties, the Dipper would have become obsessed with thosenumbers(especiallyastheycomparedtoRussell),dumpedthenever-fouled-outstreak and inadvertently turned into a dominant defensive player, almost byaccident,possiblysomeonewhowonfiveorsixtitlesinsteadoftwo.Buttherewas no statistical rush from defense. So Wilt settled on raking up offensivenumbers,spikingblockedshotslikevolleyballsandpursuinghisinanestreakofneverfoulingout.Itwasn’tuntilthe’66–’67seasonthatWiltrealizedhisteamswere better off if he concentrated on rebounding, passing and defense.Here’showhedescribedthatepiphanyinhisautobiography,Wilt:JustLikeAnyOther7-FootBlackMillionaireWhoLivesNextDoor(nowthat’satitle!):27

Iwas30yearsoldwhenthe’66–’67seasonbegan,andIwasmaturingasaman,and learning that itwasessential tokeepmy teammateshappy if Iwantedmyteamtowin.

[As far as epiphanies go, that ranks somewhere between Pete Rose admittingthathehadagamblingproblemandJohnHolmesglancingdownathisfourteen-inchschlongandrealizingheneededtotryporn.Betterlatethannever,Iguess.]

I not only began passing off more and scoring less, I also made a point ofsinglingmyteammatesoutforpraise—publiclyandprivately.

[Wow! What a sacrifice! What a guy! So wait … if you’re trying to winbasketball games, it’s a good idea to be unselfish and to act like a goodteammateinsteadofhoggingtheballandblamingeveryoneelsewhenyoulose?Arewesure?Dowehaveconfirmationonthis?]

I realize now that this is the kind of thing that helpedmakeO. J. Simpson’steamsatUSC

andBillWalton’steamsatUCLAsosuccessful.ThesameistrueofJoeNamathandtheJets.

[Um…Wilt?ThesamewastrueforBillRussell—youknow,number6ontheCeltics,theteamthatknockedyououtoftheplayoffseveryspring?]

O.J.andBillandJoealwayspraisetheirteammates.Theyrememberthenameof

every key guy who throws a key block or makes a good assist or a gooddefensiveplay,andtheytelltheplayer—andthepress—allaboutit.Thatcan’thelpbutmaketheplayertryevenharderthenexttime,insteadofmaybelettingdown, subconsciously, because he’s tired of being ignored and hearing howgreatyouareallthetime.28

[I don’t know, Wilt—this sounds too crazy. I thought basketball was anindividual sport. They don’t keep stats for praising your teammates. I thinkyou’rewrong.]

Iwasjustlearningthislessonin1966,anditwasreflectedinmystatistics.

[“Granted, I threwawaythefirstsevenyearsofmycareerandeveryonehatedplayingwithme,butyouhavetohandittome—Ididlearnthelesson.”]

Insteadofmeaveraging40pointsagame,wehadagreatscoringbalance.HalGreeraveraged22.1,Chetaveraged19.3,andBillyaveraged18.5.LukeJacksonand Wali Jones also averaged in double figures. That’s the kind of balanceBostonalwayshad.

[TheCelticswon the titleeveryyear forWilt’s firstsevenyears in the league.Onlyin1967

diditoccurtohimthathisteamsshouldstartemulatingwhatworkedforthebestteams?

Yeesh.NobodyeversaidWiltwasabrainsurgeon.]29

Afterheembraced“unselfishness”andwonhisfirsttitle,inclassicWiltfashion,he lost interest in winning and became obsessed with his assist numbers.SuddenlyWilt was passing up easy shots to set up teammates, checking thescorer’stablemultipletimespergame,complainingifhefeltlikehehadn’tbeencredited foraspecificassist, lambasting teammates forblowinghispassesandtakinganinordinateamountofdelightinleadingtheleaguein’68(arecordhebraggedaboutmorethananyother).30Aswithanythingelsehedid,Wiltfailedto strike the right balance and settled into a bad habit of being too unselfish,taking only two shots in the second half ofGame 7 against Bostonwhile histeammatesflounderedaroundhim.Theheavilyfavored’68Sixersblewa3–1

leadandchokedinGame7athome,butasWiltpointedoutinhisbook,“Halhitonlyeightof25

shots.Walihiteightof22.Mattyhittwooften,Chethiteightof22.Thosefourguys took most of our shots and hit less than a third of them. But I got theblame.”

Somuch for the lessons ofWalton,Namath andSimpson.What didwe learnaboutRussell,Chamberlain,andstatistics?Well,Wilt’s teamsrevolvedaroundhisoffenseandRussell’steamsrevolvedaroundhisdefense.Wiltcoexistedwithhisteammates;Russellmadehisteammatesbetter.Wilthadtomakeaconcertedeffort to play unselfishly and act like a decent teammate; Russell’s veryexistencewaspredicatedonunselfishnessand teamplay. In theend,Russell’steamswonchampionshipsandWilt’steamslostthem.

Russell11,Chamberlain2.Thosearetheonlytwonumbersthatmatter.31

MYTHNO.4:

WILTWASAGREATGUY

WasWilt a great guy to approach in the airport?Absolutely.Was he great to

interviewforamagazineoratalkshow?Youbetcha.Didthepeoplewhoknewhimhavegreatstoriesabouthim?

No question. Was he generous with his money? Of course. If you were astewardess,wasthissomeoneyouwouldhavewantedtoblowunderanairplaneblanket?Apparently,yes.Forsuchagoodguy,it’sbizarrethatWiltsuckedsomuchasateammate.Hejustdidn’tgrasptheconcept.Forthefirstsixyearsofhis career, he hogged the ball, became infatuated with scoring records anddemandedtobetreateddifferentlythanhisteammates.Whenthingsfinallyfellapartonthe’65

Warriors,legendaryL.A.TimescolumnistJimMurraywrote,“[Wilt]candoonething well—score. He turns his own team into a congress of butlers whoseprincipalfunctionistogethimtheballunderabasket.Theirskillsatrophy,theirdesireswane.CrackplayerslikeWillieNaullsgetontheWarriorsandtheystartdropping notes out of the window or in bottles which they cast adrift. Theycontain one word: ‘help.’” 32 Even when Wilt played more unselfishly andcopiedRussell’sgame,hecouldn’tmaintainitformorethanayearandbecamesmitten with assists. He openly clashed with every coach except two—FrankMcGuire (who let him shoot asmuch as he wanted, leading to the 100-pointgame)andAlexHannum(andonlybecauseHannumchallengedhimtoafighttogethimtolisten).33Heblamedteammatesandcoachesafterlosses,feudedwith teammateswho could have helpedhim (most famously,Elgin during the’69season)anddemeanedopposingplayers to thepress tomakehimself lookbetter.He had a nasty habit of distracting his own team at theworst possibletimes—like the ’66 Eastern Finals against Boston, when Sports IllustratedreleasedacontroversialChamberlainfeaturebeforeGame5inwhichherippedcoachDolphSchayesanddestroyedthemoraleofhisteam.34

SomebelievethatWiltachievedtoomuchtoosoon,thatheneverunderstoodtheconceptof teamworkbecausehe’dbeen thecenterofattention (literally) sincehe was in high school. In his Chamberlain-Russell book The Rivalry, JohnTaylorwrites that Auerbach believedWarriors owner EddieGottlieb “spoiledWilt something fierce. A lot of times, Wilt didn’t even travel with histeammates.Hewasoutofcontrol.AuerbachdoubtedthathehimselfwouldhavebeenabletocoachWilt….WiltspentthatyearwiththeGlobetrotters,tastedthebigmoneyandstardom,andhebeganthinkingthathewasmoreimportantthan

his coachor teammates.Goty, afraidof losing thebigdraw, let himget awaywithit.Chamberlainhadbecomeconvincedthatpeoplecametogamesinorderto see him and that, therefore, the point of every game was to give him anopportunitytoplaythestar.Therewasacertainboxofficelogictothisthinking,but itmadeChamberlain uncoachable, inAuerbach’s view, and as long as hewasuncoachable,anyteamheplayedonwouldneverbecomearealwinner.”35

If you’re wondering how Wilt was regarded around the league, here’s theultimate story:WhenSanFran shoppedhim in ’65, theLakerswere intriguedenough that owner Bob Short asked his players to vote onwhether or not heshouldpurchaseChamberlain’scontract.Theresultsofthevote?Ninetotwo…against.

Ninetotwoagainst!

Howcouldanyonestillthinkthiswasthegreatestbasketballplayerever?Intheabsoluteprimeofhiscareer,aplayoffcontenderthathadlostconsecutiveFinalsanddidn’thaveananswerforRussellhadthechancetoacquireWiltfornothing…andtheplayersvotedagainstit!36WouldtheyhavevotedagainstaRusselltrade? Seriously, would they have voted against a Russell trade in a millionyears?

(Note:if thisweretheO.J. trial, that lastparagraphwouldbetheequivalentofO.J.tryingonthebloodyglove.)

MYTHNO.5:

ACOUPLEPLAYSHEREANDTHERE

ANDWILTCOULDHAVEWONJUSTASMANY

TITLESASRUSSELL

Nearly everyNBAchamphad a pivotal playoffmomentwhere theyneeded abig play and got it, but that doesn’t stopWilt’s defenders from ignoring thisreality andmaking excuses for every one of his near-misses: the ’60 EasternFinals(WiltinjuredhisrighthandthrowingapunchinGame4);Game7ofthe’62EasternFinals(acontroversialgoaltendingcallprovedthedifference);Game7ofthe’65EasternFinals(Russellnearlyworegoathorns37beforeHavliceksavedhim);Game1ofthe’68EasternFinals(rightafterMartinLutherKingJr.waskilled,whenSixerscoachAlexHannumneverhadhisteamvoteonwhetherornot they shouldplay, allegedlykilling themoraleof the team, even thoughtheywonGames2,3,and4);Game7in’68(whenWilt’ssupportingcastwentcold);Game7ofthe’69Finals(whenWilt“injured”hiskneeincrunchtime);and Game 7 of the ’70 Finals (whenWillis Reed’s reappearance ignited theMSGcrowdandWaltFrazier destroyedWest).That’s all fine. Just know thatWilt’steamssuckedintheclutchbecauseWiltsuckedintheclutch.Thefearoflosingoverwhelmedhiminbiggames.Terrifiedofgettingfouledbecauseofhisdreadfulfreethrowshooting,heplayedhotpotatoorsettledforhispatentedfall-away (the one that landed him fifteen feet from the basket and away fromrebounds),andhedidn’twanttofoulanyoneifhehadfourorfivefoulsbecause,you know, it would have interfered with his laughable no-fouling-out streak.Thatmade him nearly useless in close games, like amore tortured version ofShaq from 2002 to 2007, only if Shaq was afraid to foul anyone and had apersecutioncomplex.38

Here’s what NBA great Rick Barry wrote about Wilt in his autobiography,ConfessionsofaBasketballGypsy,whichhastheworstcoverinthehistoryofsportsbooks:39

I’llsaywhatmostplayersfeel,whichisthatWiltisaloser….Heisterribleinbiggames.Heknowsheisgoingtoloseandbeblamedfortheloss,sohedreadsit,andyoucanseeitinhiseyes;andanyonewhohaseverplayedwithhimwillagree with me, regardless of whether they would admit it publicly. When itcomes down to the closing minutes of a tough game, an important game, he

doesn’t want the ball, he doesn’t want any part of the pressure. It is at thesetimesthatgreatnessisdetermined,andWiltdoesn’thaveit.ThereisnowayyoucancomparehimtoaprolikeaBillRusselloraJerryWest…theseareclutchcompetitors.

Holysmokes!SomeharshwordsfromaguywhoworeawigforanentireNBAseason fouryears later.But let’sexamine thoseGame7’s in ’68, ’69,and ’70again. In the first one,Wilt took two shots after halftime and steadfastly keptpassing to his ice-cold teammates, then blamed them afterward because theycouldn’tmakeashot.Inthesecondone,Wiltbangedhiskneeandaskedoutofthegamewithfiveminutestoplay,enragingcoachButchvanBredaKolff(whorefused to put him back in, even if it meant costing the Lakers the title) andRussell (whouncharacteristicallyslammedWilt thatsummer, launchinga feudthatlastednearlytwenty-fiveyears).Inthethirdone,Willisfamouslylimpedoutand drained those first two jumpers, only it never occurred to Chamberlain,“Wait, I have a one-legged guy guarding me, maybe I should destroy himoffensively!”40 He just didn’t get it. Wilt never understood how to win; ifanything, losing fit his personality better. Here’s how Bill Bradley describedWiltinLifeontheRun:

Wiltplayedthegameasifhehadtoprovehisworthtosomeonewhohadneverseen basketball. He pointed to his statistical achievements as specificmeasurements of his ability, and they were; but to someone who knowsbasketball they are, if not irrelevant, certainly nonessential. The point of thegameisnothowwelltheindividualdoesbutwhethertheteamwins.Thatisthebeautifulheartof thegame, theblendingofpersonalities, themutualsacrificesfor group success…. I have the impression that Wilt might have been moresecurewith losing. Indefeat, aftercarefullycoveringhimselfwithallusions tohis accomplishments, he could be magnanimous…. Wilt’s emphasis onindividual accomplishments failed to gain him public affection andmade himthefavoritetowinthegame.And,simultaneously,itassuredhimoflosing.41

Here’s another way to look at it: nobody has any clutch stories about Wilt

Chamberlain. If they existed, I’d pass some of them along. His three finestmomentswereprobablyGame7againstthe

’65Celts,whenWiltwasmagnificentindefeatwith30pointsand32rebounds;theclinchinggameofthe’67Boston-Phillyseries,whenherippedBostonapartwith a ridiculous triple double (29 points, 36 rebounds, 13 assists); and theclinchingGame 5 of the ’72 Finals,when he destroyed an undersizedKnicksteamwithanear-quadrupledouble(24–29–9and8blocks).He’sthesamemanwhoonceexplainedtoSportmagazine,“Inaway,Ilikeitbetterwhenwelose.It’s over and I can look forward to thenext game. Ifwewin, it buildsup thetensionandIstartworryingaboutthenextgame.”WouldRussellhaveeversaidsomethinglikethat?Whatdoyouthink?HereweresomeofthefamousclutchRussellgames:42

Game 7, 1957Finals.As a rookie,Russell notches a 19–32 andmakeswhateveryoneagreeswasthemostphenomenalplayofhiscareer—scoringagame-tying basket near the end of regulation that carried him into the stands,regroupingandsomehowchasingdownJackColemanfrombehindandblockingColeman’sgame-clinchinglayup.ThiswholesequenceranksincrediblyhighontheIWishWeAlwaysHadTVCoverageforSportsscale.

Game 7, 1960 Finals. Russell scores 22 points and grabs 35 rebounds in ablowoutoftheHawks.Ho-hum.

Game7, 1962EasternFinals. In the yearWilt averaged 50 a game,Russellholdshimto22inGame7(andscores19himself).

Game7,1962Finals.Russellscores30points,makes14of17freethrowsandgrabsanNBAPlayoffsrecord44reboundsinanovertimewinovertheLakers(theFrankSelvygame).EveryoneagreesthiswasthedefinitiveRussellgame—near the end of regulation, every forward on Boston’s roster fouled out(Heinsohn, Sanders and Loscutoff), so Russell had to protect the basket and

handletheboardsbyhimself.Unbelievable:30pointsand44rebounds?

Game7,1965EasternFinals.AlthoughHavliceksavedhimfromgoathorns,Russellsubmittedaneartripledouble(15points,29reboundsand9assists)thatnearlywouldhavebeenaquadrupledoubleif they’dkepttrackofblocksbackthen.43

Game 7, 1966 Finals.Celts beat L.A. by two, Russell notches 25 points, 32reboundsandGodknowshowmanyblocks.

Game7,1968EasternFinals.Russellscores12butholdsWiltto14…andforgoodmeasure,hecoachedthewinningteam.

Lookingback,WilthadfivechancestoknockRusselloutoftheplayoffsin’68and ’69 with a superior team—including two Game 7’s at home—and onlyneededtosubmitonemonsterperformancetopullitoff.Eachtime,hecouldn’tdoit.Eachtime,Russell’sinferiorteamprevailed.Eachtime,Wiltwhinedaboutitafterward.IfJerryWestwasMr.Clutch,thenWiltwasMr.Crutch.

MYTHNO.6:

PLAYERSANDCOACHESFROMTHEERAARE

SPLITOVERWHOWASAGREATERPLAYER

Youhavetobelieveme:IreadeveryNBAbookpossibletopreparetowritethisone.No stonewas left unturned—during the summers of ’07 and ’08 I spentmoretimeonwww.abebooks.comthanAbedid.Whileporingoverthesebooks,

I searched for insight on the Russell-Chamberlain debate and kept a tally ofeveryplayer,coachandmediamemberwillingtogoontherecord.(Youcanseeacompletelistofthosebooksattheendofthisone.)AndI’mnotsurewhatwasmore amazing—how many of them praised Russell, or how many of themcrushedWilt (includingpeoplewhoplayedwithhimandcoachedhim).Sincewe could fill this entire book with quotes from people praising Russell’sunselfishness,competitivenessandclutchness,let’snarrowitdowntosixWilt-relatedquotesthatexplaineverything:

ButchvanBredaKolff(inTallTales):“ThedifferencebetweenRussellandWiltwas this: Russell would ask, ‘What do I need to do to make my teammatesbetter?’Thenhe’ddoit.Wilthonestlythoughtthebestwayforhisteamtowinwas for him to be in the best possible setting. He’d ask, ‘What’s the bestsituationforme?’”44

JerryWest(inGoliath):“Idon’twanttorapWiltbecauseIbelieveonlyRussellwas better, and I really respectwhatWilt did. But I have to say hewouldn’tadjusttoyou,youhadtoadjusttohim.”

JerryLucas(inTallTales):“Wiltwastooconsumedwithrecords:beingthefirstto lead the league in assists, or to set a record for field goal percentage.He’daccomplish one goal, then go on to another.Russell only asked one question:‘WhatcanIdotomakeuswin?’”45

Jack Kiser (in Goliath): “Russell pulled the con job of the century onChamberlain.HewelcomedWilttotheleague.Heplayedfather-figure.Hetoldhim,man,you’regoingtobetterallmyrecords,butyouhavethingstolearnandI’mgoingtoteachyoubecauseIadmireyou.46

Hemade friendswithhim.HegotWilt to thepointwhereWiltworriedaboutmakinghim lookbad….Wilt hated to lose, but he likedBill somuch that hedidn’tlikelosingtohim.WiltcoulddestroyRussellwhenhewasinspired.But

heheldbackjustenoughtogetbeat.HetriedtowinoverRussell,buthewasn’tdrivenlikehewasagainstguyshedisliked.ImightpointoutRussellneversaidabadwordaboutWiltuntil thenightheretiredandhehasn’tstoppedrappinghimsince.”

Bill Russell (in Second Wind): “It did seem to me that [Wilt] was oftenambivalentaboutwhathewantedtogetoutofbasketball.Anyonewhochangesthe character and style of his play several times over a career is bound to beuncertain about which of the many potential accomplishments he wants topursue. It’sperfectlypossibleforaplayernot tomakevictoryhisfirstpriorityagainstalltheothers—money,records,personalfame,andanundividedclaimtohis achievements—and I often felt Wilt made some deliberate choices in hisambitions.”

Wilt Chamberlain (in Wilt): “To Bill [Russell], every game—everychampionshipgame—wasachallenge,atesttohismanhood.Hetookthegamesoseriouslythathethrewupinthelockerroombeforealmosteverygame.ButItend to lookatbasketball as agame,not a lifeordeath struggle. I don’t needscoring titles or NBA championships to prove that I’m a man. There are toomanyotherbeautifulthingsinlife—food,cars,girls,friends,thebeach,freedom—to get that emotionallywrapped up in basketball. 47I thinkBill knew I feltthatway,andIthinkhebothenviedandresentedmyattitude.Ontheonehand,Ithink hewishedhe could learn to take things easier, too; on the other hand, Ithinkhemayhavefeltthatwithmynaturalabilityandwillingnesstoworkhard,myteamscouldhavewonanNBAchampionshipeveryyearifIwasastotallycommittedtovictoryashewas….IwishIhadwonallthosechampionships,butIreallythinkIgrewmoreasamanindefeatthatRusselldidinvictory.”

Thatmightbetrue.ButI’dratherhavethebathroompukeronmyteam,themostbeloved teammateof his era, theguywhodidn’t care about statistics, theguywhoalwaysseemedtoenduponvictoriousteamsinclosegames,theguywhofinishedhiscareerasthegreatestwinnerinsports,theguywhowassingularlyobsessed with making his teammates better and doing whatever it took to

prevail. I’d rather have Bill Russell. And so would anyone else in their rightmind.

Thedefenserests.

1. FYI, you can use this same set of factors to prove that nobody was morewhippedthanLionelRichieonthedayhewrote“Truly.”

2.O.J.intersectedwithNBAlorein1994,whenwewatchedhelicopterfootageofhiswhiteBroncodrivingthroughsouthernCalifornia(inabotchedattempttoevadepolice)split-screenedwithacrucialGame5oftheRockets-KnicksFinals.Here’s how bad that Finals was: even Knicks and Rockets fans were moreinterestedinthecarchase.

3.Rulechangesinplaceby2005:nohandchecking(makingiteasierforquickguards to penetrate); 8 seconds to advance the ball over midcourt (not 10);resettingtheshotclockto14

secondsinsteadof24incertainsituations;whistlesforoffensiveisolationplays(nooverloadingplayersononeside);arelaxingofillegalzones;andanimplicitunderstanding thatmovinghighscreenswerenowokay (as longasyoudidn’tstickyourkneeorfootoutonthepick).4.ImagineifthishappenednowandwehadtowaitthreemonthstoseeballyhooedrookieslikeBlakeGriffinorDerrickRosebecausetheyweregoingthroughbasictraininginEastBumfart,Texas.IthinkNikewouldraiseastink.

5.OneofmyfavoriteNBAnames:SlaterMartin.Justreeksofthe’50s,doesn’tit? He played with Whitey Skoog, Dick Schnittker, Dick Garmaker, VernMikkelsen,LewHitch,GeorgeMikanandEdKalafaton the ’56Lakers.Nowthoseweresomewhiteguys!AsfarasIcantell,that’stheonlytwo-DickteaminNBAhistory.

6.Myvote for themostunderratedNBAgame:doubleOT,Game7. It endedwithBostonscoringwith1secondleft,followedbySt.Louisplayer-coachAlexHannumcallingtimeouttosetupaplayfromunderneathhisownbasket,wherehe’d whip a full-court football pass off the other backboard, then it would

ricochettoPettitatthefoullineandhe’dquicklyshoot.Whathappened?

Hannumthrewtheball90feet,itbouncedoffthebackboardrighttoPettitandhe missed the game-tying shot. This actually happened. Can’t we put GusJohnsoninatimemachineandhavehimannouncethisone?

7.TheHawkswontheirfourgamesbysixpointstotal.I’mguessingahealthyRussellwouldhavemadeadifferenceintwoofthose.

8.Anothergreat’50ssportsname:GuyRodgers.IactuallytriedtoconvincemywifetonameoursonGuy,butshecouldn’tgetpastmakingcutesytalkwithababynamedGuy.Ithoughtitwouldbecoolbecausewecouldhavesaidthingslike“LookatthelittleGuy”or“He’sbeenagoodGuy.”

Regardless,weneedmoreGuys.SomeotherclassicNBAnamesfromthe’50sthatwouldworkfordogsattheveryleast:Woody,Archie,Bo,McCoy,Harry,Clyde,Forest,Nat,ArnieandElmer.

9. Coaches Wilt threw under the bus: Neil Johnston, Dolph Schayes, AlexHannum,FrankMcGuire,ButchvanBredaKolff.

10.Weirdestfactfromthisseason:RussellwonMVPbutdidn’tmakefirst-teamAll-NBA.11.OneofBoston’sgreatest achievementsof theRussell era:neverlosing toa team that featuredWest andBaylor in theirprime (twoof thebestseven players of the NBA’s first thirty-five years). Everyone just casuallyoverlooksthisone.

12.InTheLastLoudRoar,BobCousywritesthatCincygaveBostoneverythingtheycouldhandle;heheadedintothe’63FinalsexpectingtheLakerswouldbeatthem. The X-factor was Tommy, who quit smoking a few weeks before theplayoffs, dropped14pounds, anddestroyedRudyLaRusso in theFinals.YouhavetoloveitwhenNBAFinalsweredecidedbythingslike

“somebodyquitsmoking.”

13. Hidden fact from the Russell era: KC Jones was abominable offensively.Playing30to32

minutes a game post-Cousy, KC averaged 7.8 points and 5.3 assists, shot 39percentfromthefield,anddidn’thave tobeguardedfrom15feet.Howcana

defensivespecialistmaketheHallofFamebyplaying9years,startingfor4,andnevermakinganAll-Starteam?WashebetterthanAlAttles?WasheevenhalfasgoodasDennisJohnson?Ofthepost-shot-clockerswho’vemadetheHallofFame,he’s the single strangest selection, just aheadofCalvinMurphy.14.Atonepoint theywere10–34.WouldahealthyMJhaveeverplayedfora10–34team?WhataboutahealthyBirdorahealthyMagic?

15. Underrated aspect of the Russell era: Five aging vets signedwith Bostonhopingforafreering(Naulls,CarlBraun,WayneEmbry,ClydeLovelletteandWoody Sauldsberry). Nowadays, these guys would just sign with Phoenix orMiami because of the weather. 16. Russell’s inadequacies as a player-coachemergedasadominantthemethatseason:he’dforgettorestguysorbringthembackinandbasicallysucked.Thenextyear,RusselldelegatedtoteammatesandnamedHavlicekandJonesashisdefactoassistants,turningitintoaprofessionalintramural teamwhere players subbed themselves and suggested plays duringtime-outs. This worked for two straight titles. Naturally, no NBA team since1979hastriedit.17.Wiltwastradedtwiceinhisprime:onceforPaulNeumann,ConnieDierking,LeeShaffer,andcash,onceforArchieClark,DarrallImhoff,Jerry Chambers, and cash. Wilt defenders stammer whenever this getsmentioned.

18.Waltonaveraged5.5assistspergameinthe’77Playoffs.Russellaveragedfiveassistsormoreinsevendifferentplayoffs,including6.3agameinthe’65Playoffs(whenitwasmuchtoughertogetcreditedforanassist).Forhiscareer,Russell averaged more playoff assists (4.7) than any center who ever playedmorethan30playoffgames.

19. For anyone reading this after 2030: Stephen A. Smith was an ESPNpersonality whose gimmick answered the question “What it would be like ifsomebodyarguedaboutsportswiththeirCAPSLOCKon?”

20.BobCousywasn’t as staggered.Here’swhat hewrote in 1964’sTheLastLoudRoar:

“Basketball is a team game.When it becomes a one-man operation, as it didafterChamberlaincametoPhiladelphia,itjustdoesn’twork.Youcannotexpectnine other guys to submerge themselves and their abilities to one man. Itparticularlydoesn’tworkwhenthemaneverybodyelseisfeedingisn’thelpingthe others whenever and wherever he can… the argument can be made that

Chamberlainonlysuffers fromapoorsupportingcast. Ifyouhaveamanwhomakesbetterthan50percentofhisshots,theargumentgoes,whyshouldn’tyouconcentrate on getting the ball to himwhenever possible?Carrying that to itslogicalconclusion,Iwouldhavetoaskwhyyoushouldeverletanyotherplayerontheteamshootatall.No,statisticsmeannothinginbasketball.”

Amen,Cooz!IlovewhenaHallofFamerprovesmypoint.

21.Andifyou’relookingforadegreeofdifficulty,Russellcoachedhimselfforthe last two titles.Whydoesn’t thateverget factored in?ImagineMJwinningthosefinaltwotitlesinUtahasaplayer-coach.

22. In Terry Pluto’s Tall Tales, Heinsohn claims that Russell’s defense wasworth60to70pointspergame.Takethatonewithagrainofsaltbecausehe’sthesameguywhocomparedLeonPowetoMosesMalone.ItwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeTommywasinterviewedforabookcalledTallTales.

23.Thiswas before the three-point line, basketball camps, and picture-perfectjumpshots,whenteamstookatonofshotsandthrewupatonofbricks.Ofthegreat guards who peaked in the ’50s, Cousy was a 37.5% shooter; Sharman,42.6%; Slater Martin, 36%; Bob Davies, 37%; Guy Rodgers, 38%; RichieGuerin,42%andDickMcGuire,39%.OnlywhenSamJones,JerryWest,andHal Greer emerged did the prototypical two-guard take shape; long-rangeshootingspecialistsdidn’tstartmakingamarkuntil themid-’70s.Sosomeonewhoprotectedthebaskethadanevengreatereffectbackthen.

24.It’sexceedinglypossiblethatRussellwasgoodfor8to15blockspergamein theplayoffs. Just researching thischapter, therewere threedifferentplayoffgames in the ’60s when an author or narrator casually mentioned in theirsummary thatRussell had12blocks.25.SamJonesmadeanart formof this,addinglittleinsultswitheachshotlike“Toolate”or

“Sorry,Wilt”everytimehesankajumper.OnetimeWiltflippedoutandchasedhimaroundtheGarden,soSamgrabbedaphotographer’sstooltofendhimoff.Ifthishappenedin2009,I’malmostpositiveitwouldleadAroundtheHorn.

26.Hondo’stakeonRuss:“Therewasneveraplayerwhocouldcontrolagamedefensively likehim.Youcould see the shooters justcringingevery time theygot within his range. Sometimes he would start out very strong, in order todiscouragehismancompletely.Othertimeshewouldallowamantoscoresome

earlybaskets,thenlateron,whentheguywantedtoattemptthesamemoveinacrucialsituation,hewouldfindthatRussellwouldpreventhimfromdoingit….The end of the game was really Russell’s time. In a close game, he wasincrediblyalive.”

27.ThisisanentertainingbookthatincludesstoriesaboutWiltgettingblownbystewardessesonairplanesandstuff.Here’sonecasewhereWiltreallydidn’tgetenough credit for something.Wilt should have won a Pulitzer, or at least aNationalBookAward.

28.Laterinlife,Wiltexecutedthisunselfishmind-settoperfectiononthesetofConantheDestroyer,whichwentontobecomethemostunintentionallyfunnyaction movie of the ’80s other than Gymkata. Even as an actor, Wilt wasbreaking records.29. InAFewGoodMen, thiswouldbe the trial scenewhenCruisegrabs therulebookfromKevinBaconandasksNoahWyle to find thepartaboutgoingtothemesshallfordinner.Inotherwords,IjustscoredmajorpointswithmycasebydigginguptheseWiltquotes.Evenbetter,IgottoreadthestoryaboutWiltgettingblownbythestewardessagain.

30.FromBillLibby’senjoyable1977biographyofWilt(Goliath):“Acoupleoftimeshewenttoateammatewithahothandandtoldhimhewasgoingtogivehimtheballexclusivelybecausetheotherguyswerewastinghispassesandhewouldn’twin theassists title thisway.”Whata teamplayer, thatWilt. In thatbook,Libbymentionsthat,forallthehullabalooaboutWiltbeingsuchaladies’man,“asurprisingnumberofplayersandreporterssaythey’veneverseenWiltwith a woman.” Come on, Wilt couldn’t have been gay! He was a lifelongbachelor,helovedclothesandhelovedcats!Whereisthiscomingfrom?

31.Although,again,ConantheDestroyerwasagreatfreakingmovie.32.That’sthe sameWillie Naulls who landed on the Celts one year later and won twostraighttitleswithRussell.Hmmmmmm.

33.Wiltplayedfor9coachesin14years.Ilovethatstat.

34. EvenWilt admitted this in his book,writing, “The stories created quite afuror, and I’mnot sure the 76ers ever got back in stride during the playoffs.”Although,inclassicWiltfashion,heblamedthemagazinefornotwaitingtorunthepiece.

35.One thingWilt can’t beblamed for: during a1965game inBoston,76ers

ownerIkeRichmandiedofaheartattackwhilesittingatthepresstablenexttoPhilly’s bench. If you had to pick a superstar whose owner might drop deadduringabiggame,you’dhavetopickWilt,right?

Strangestpartof thestory: theycarriedRichmanoutandthegamekeptgoing.Howheartlesswasthat?Nowadays,I’dliketothinkwe’dpostponeagameevenifoneoftheMaloofsdroppeddead.Althoughnobodywouldbeabletotellforaboutaquarter.

36.Thebestpartofthisstory?IfoundoutaboutitfromWilt’sautobiography.Hedidn’tevenseemthatbitter,explaining,“IguessguyslikeElginBaylorandJerryWestwere afraid I’d come toL.A. and take some of their glory away.”Yeah,Wilt, I’msure thatwas it.37.With five seconds left,Wilt cutBoston’slead toone.Russell’sensuing inboundspasshitoneof thewires thatheld thebasket up, a fluke play that doubled as an automatic turnover and nearly costBostontheseason.Wiltlovedtobringthisupafterward,pointingoutagainandagain that Russell was as capable of choking as anyone. This is like LindsayLohanhearingthatDakotaFanningsippedchampagneataweddingonenight,thenscreaming,“See,see,I’mnottheonlymessed-upone!”

38.OneofthehiddensubplotsofGame7:HondosaidlaterthathejumpedtheinboundspassforHalGreerpartlybecausehewaswaitingforit;heknewWiltwasn’tgettingtheballbecauseWiltneverwantedtogetfouledinbigmoments(sotherewasnowaytheywererunningtheplayforhim).

39. It’s a photo of Barry standing in an airport and holding a bag and abasketball.He’s not even really looking at the camera.He looks put out, likehe’sposingforapictureforanAsiantouristwhodidn’tknowwhohewasandjustwantedapictureofatallwhiteguy.It’sspectacular.40.WhenReedlimpedoff early in Game 5,Wilt somehow got shut down by a woefully undersizedDaveDeBusschere andNewYork’s pressure defense during their rousing 16-point comeback.Wilt finishedwith 22 points but took only three shots in thesecondhalf.Threeshots?

Thefactthathethrewupa45–27inGame6onlymadeitworse.

41. Bradley’s book double as a psychological profile ofWilt’s loserdom. Nojoke.42.ThankstoElliottKalb’sinformativebookWho’sBetter,Who’sBestinBasketball for the stats you’re about to read. If you’re anNBA fan, buy this

book. It’s great. Even if I disagreed with almost all of it and he painfullyoverratedShaq.

43.Whichraisesaquestion:whytheheckdidn’ttheykeeptrackofblocksbackthen? How hard would that have been? This is the first of 79 times I willcomplainaboutthis.44.ButchbenchedWiltforthelastfiveminutesofGame7ofthe’69FinalsknowingthatiftheLakerslostthegame,he’dgetfired.Andhedid.That’showstronglyhedislikedWilt.45. Icouldn’t fightoffGrumpyOldEditorfromchiminginanylonger.His takeonLucas:“Lucasshouldtalk—henevermetastathedidn’tsqueezeuntilitwasdead.”

46.According toSI’sFrankDeford,Russellonce toldWilt,“I’mprobably theonly person on the planet who knows how good you really are.” I’m almostpositivethatMarioLopezneversaidthistoMark-PaulGosselaar.

47.That sentenceeasilycouldhavebeenVinceCarter’shighschoolyearbookquote.

THREE

HOWTHEHELLDIDWEGETHERE?

WHILE TRYING TO absorb six-plus decades of NBA history, one questionkeepspoppingup:Howdoweputeverythinginperspective?IfWiltaveraged50points a game for an entire season, what does that really mean? Would heaverage40agamenow?Thirty?Twenty?Couldthe’72

Lakerswin33gamestotaliftheywereplayingin2009?Werethe’96Bullsthegreatest team of all time or just the most successful? I can’t answer thesequestionswithout putting some sort of elaborate context in place.When I tellyouthatOscarRobertson’sseason-longtripledoublewasn’tasimpressiveasitseemed,you’dhavetotakemywordunlessyousaweveryrelevantrulechange,innovation, talent glut/dearth, statisticalwhim, big-picturemistake and troublepatch laid out from 1946 to 1984.Why stop there? Because that’s when theNBA,forbetterandworse,becametheleagueitisnow.Stylistically,creatively,fundamentally and talent-wise, you could transport any good player or teamfrom1984to2009andtheywouldbefine(andinsomecasesbetterthanfine).

Think of theNBA likeAmerica’s comedy scene and everythingwill fall intoplace.EverwatchtapeofMiltonBerle,BobHopeorSidCaesarperformingontheirtop-ratedshowsinthe1950s?

Lotsofmugging,lotsofeasyjokes,somecross-dressing,moremugging,tonsofself-flagellation,evenmoremugging.It’sbewilderingthattheywereconsideredgeniuses at the time. But theywere. Nobodywas bigger. (Kinda like GeorgeMikan and Dolph Schayes, right?) When Lenny Bruce, Woody Allen, BobNewhart and theSmothersBrothers pushed comedy in a different direction inthe sixties—astute observations, hyperintelligent premises—they wereconsidered geniuses of the highest order. (Kinda like Oscar, Elgin, Wilt andRussell,right?)Butyouknowwhat?IfyouYouTubedanyofthoseguysintheirprimes, you wouldn’t laugh that much. Only during the Ford presidency didcomedy start to look like it does now: Richard Pryor’s acerbic take on theAfrican American experience, George Carlin’s pointed riffs, Saturday NightLivesballsyredefinitionoftelevisedsketchcomedy,SteveMartin’sintentionallyabsurdstandupact,evenyoungobservationalcomics likeJayLenoandDavidLetterman who had been influenced by Carlin and Bruce. (Kinda like JuliusErving, BobMcAdoo and Tiny Archibald redefining the limits of speed and

athleticismwith theNBA.)The 1977–1982 stretch saw iconicmovies capturesimilarstrides,likeCaddyshack,AnimalHouse,StripesandTheBluesBrothers,all funnymovies fueledbydrugs, recklessness, and individualism. (Kinda liketheNBAwhenitwasbeingledbythelikesofPeteMaravich,GeorgeGervin,DavidThompsonandMichealRayRichardson.)Thentheeightiesrolledaroundandcomedysettledintotheeraofover-the-tophumor,sarcasticirony,and“Didyouevernotice…?”jokesthat,forbetterandworse,stillmakeuslaughnow.Letterman’s groundbreaking NBC show. Howard Stern’s equallygroundbreakingradioshow.EddieMurphy’sSNLimpressionsandstandupacts.A little cable showcalledMysteryScienceTheater3000.1Standups like JerrySeinfeld and Sam Kinison. Consistently funny movies like Trading Places,BeverlyHillsCop,NightShift,FletchandFerrisBueller’sDayOff.Allofthatstuffholdsupeventoday.

Bythemid-eighties,thecomedyworldhadfigureditoutandreachedtheplaceitneeded to be. But it didn’t just happen. The civil rights struggle, threeassassinations(JFK,RFKandMLK),andagrowingdiscontentaboutVietnamaltered the comedy scene in the sixties; people became more serious, lesstrusting,morepronetodiscussseriousissuesandargueaboutthem.That’showweendedupwithWoodyandLenny.Theseventiesweremarredbyapolarizingwar and theWatergate scandal, pushing disillusionedAmericans into cynical,outspoken and carefree directions (drugs, free sex, etc.), a spirit that quicklymanifested itself in comedy. The comedians of the late seventies and earlyeighties learned from everyone who had pushed the envelope—what worked,and more importantly, what didn’t work—and developed a more somber,reflective, sophisticated attitude stemming fromhow the previous generation’spain shaped their perspective.A perspective that, for better andworse, hasn’treallychangedsince.Andnowwe’rehere.WereBirdandMagicbetter in ’84thanLeBron andWade are right now? It’s a nice debate.WasEddieMurphyfunnier in ’84 thanChrisRock is right now? It’s a nice debate.But if you’reaskingmewhetheraGetSmartepisodefrom1967isfunnierthanaSouthParkepisodein2009,no.It’snotadebate.

Soit’sallaboutcontext.Theebbsandflowsoftheyears(andwiththeNBA,theseasons)affectourmemoriesandhowweevaluate them. Ifwe’re figuringout

the best players and teams of all time—don’tworry, we’re getting there—weneedtoexamineeveryseasonfrom1946(yearone) through1984(year thirty-nine) and thecrucialdevelopments thathelpedusgethere.Consider it abriefandonlyintermittentlybiasedhistoryofhowtheNBAbecametheNBA.2

1946–1954:GROWINGPAINS

Headingintothesummerof’54,everyonethoughttheNBAwasgoingdowninflames.Andtheybelieveditforfivereasons.

Reason no. 1. Without rules to prevent intentional fouling, stalling, androughhouseplay, leaguescoringdroppedtoanappalling79.5pointspergame.Everygameplayedout likeaHeat-Knicksplayoffslugfest in themid-nineties,onlywithclumsywhiteplayersplantingthemselvesnearthebasket,catchinglobpasses,gettingclubbedinthebackandshootingfreethrowsoverandoveragain.Ifyouwereprotectingalead,yourpointguarddribbledaroundandwaitedtogetfouled. If youwere intentionally fouling someone, you popped him to send astatement.Playersfoughtlikehockeythugs,fansfrequentlythrewthingsonthecourtandnobodycouldfigureouthowtostopwhatwashappening.Youcan’treally overstate the fan-unfriendliness (I just created that word) of thestalling/fouling tactics. There was the time Fort Wayne famously beat theLakers,19–18.Therewasthefive-OTplayoffgamebetweenRochesterandIndyinwhichthewinnerofeachovertimetapheldtheballfortherestoftheperiodto attempt awinning shot, leading to a bizarre situation inwhichRochester’shomefansbooedandbooedandultimatelystartedleavingindrovesevenwiththe game still going. The ’53 Playoffs averaged an unbelievable eighty freethrowspergame.Theanti-electrifying’54Finalsfeaturedscoresof79–68,62–60,81–67,80–69,84–73,65–63and87–80.Yougettheidea.

Reason no. 2.The league suffered its first betting scandal when FortWaynerookie JackMolinaswas nabbed forwagering on his own team. 3 Even afterMolinas had been banned and commissioner Maurice Podoloff prohibited

gambling on any NBA games, the damage was done and the league took aninordinateamountofabuseonsportsblogsandradioshows.4

Reasonno. 3.The ’54 playoffswere screwed up by an ill-fated “What ifweslapped together a six-game round robin with the top three teams in eachconference?” proposal, which led to the Knicks getting knocked out in anationallytelevisedquagmirethatlastedlongerthananyNFL

game.AccordingtoLeonardKoppett,“Thegameencompassedalltherepulsivefeatures of the grab-and-hold philosophy. It lasted three hours, and the finalseconds of a one-point gamewere abandoned by the network. The argumentswiththerefereeswereinterminableanddegrading.Whathadbeenhappening,asamatterofcourse,indozensofgamesforthelastcoupleofyears,wasshowntoanationwideaudienceinunadulteratedimpurity.”5

Reasonno. 4.Since everyone traveledby train andbusback then, the leaguestretched only from Boston to Minnesota, with just three “major” televisionmarkets in place (Boston, Philly and New York) and seven smaller markets(Minneapolis, Syracuse, Baltimore, Rochester, Fort Wayne, Indianapolis andMilwaukee). Let’s just say that theMinneapolis-Syracuse Finals in ’54 didn’tknockILoveLucyoutofthenumberoneNielsenspot.6

Reasonno.5.Thelily-whiteleaguedesperatelyneededsome,um…howdoweputthis…um…

I want to be politically correct … you know, especially after the wholeImus/Rutgers thing…so let’s just say this asdiscreetlyaspossible…um…well…theleagueneededmoreblackguys!

1954–1955:THELIFESAVER

When Syracuse owner Danny Biasone7 created the 24-second shot clock, hisbrainstorm didn’t do much except for speeding up possessions, eliminatingstalling,hikingleaguescoringby13.6

points per team and basically saving the league. How did he arrive at 24?Biasone studied games he remembered enjoying and realized that, in each ofthosegames,bothteamstookaround60

shots.Well, 60+ 60= 120. SoBiasone settled on 120 shots as theminimumcombined total that would be acceptable from a “I’d rather kill myself thanwatchanotherNBAgamelikethis”

standpoint.And ifyoushootevery24 secondsover thecourseofa48-minutegame,thatcomesoutto…waitforit…120shots!Biasonecameupwiththeideain1951andspentthreeyearssellingtheotherownersonit,evenstaginganexhibitiongamefortheminAugust1954,usingashotclock,toprovetheideaworked.That’showweendedupwitha24-secondclock.Ofcourse,thenitwitsinSpringfielddidn’tinducthimuntil2000,whichwouldhavebeentouchingifpoorBiasonehadn’tbeendeadforeightyears.Really,inventingtheshotclockandsavingprofessionalbasketballwasn’tenoughofanaccomplishmenttomakethe Basketball Hall of Fame for forty-one years? And you wonder why I’mblowing itup later in thebook.Personally, I thinkweshouldcreatea$24billandputBiasone’spictureonit.

ThekarmagodsrewardedBiasonewhenSyracusebeatFortWayneinsevenforthe ’55 title8 (the second-lowest-rated sporting event of all time behindFox’sCelebrityBoxing2).Coincidence? I sayno.Scoringcracked100pergamebythe’58season.Oneyearlater,BostonbeatMinnesotabyarecordscoreof173–139,withCousyfinishingwith31pointsandarecord29assists.AndtheNBAneverlookedback.

Oneotheressentialchange:thefoulingruleswererevamped.Alimitwasplacedonteamfouls(sixperquarter,followedbyatwo-shotpenalty);anoffensivefoulcountedasa teamfoulbutnotfree throwsunless theoffendingteamwasoverthe limit; and any backcourt foul counted as a team foul. The first changeprevented teams from fouling throughout games without repercussions; thesecondchangespedupgames;andthethirdchangemadeteamspayapriceforfoulinganywhereonthecourt.Soundslikethreesimple,logical,“whythehelldidn’ttheyalwaysdothat”tweaks,right?Ittooktheleagueeightyearstofigure

it out. I’d compare theNBA’s first eight years to the first eight years of porn(1972–80)—yeah, some good things happened and everyone who was thereremembersthoseyearsfondly,butultimatelywemovedinamuchbetter,morelogical, andmore lucrativedirection.Theporn industrydidn’t takeoff until ittransferred everything to videotape; theNBAdidn’t take off until it created ashotclock.9

1955–56:MIKANII:ELECTRICBOOGALOO

After his ’56 Lakers floundered to a 5–15 start and attendance petered, BigGeorge stepped down as general manager, made an ill-fated return10 andcouldn’t handle the game’s increased speed. As Koppett described it, theploddingMikan“simplywasn’tequippedforthe24-secondgame.Thewidenedfoullanehecouldhandle;theconstantrunninghecouldnot.”AndI’msupposedto rank Mikan as one of the top thirty players of all time? Bob Pettit filledMikan’svoidbywinning the league’s firstMVP trophy, leading the league inscoring and rebounding for a Hawks team that fledMilwaukee for St. Louisbeforetheseason—inretrospect,abadcareermovegiventhesuccessofHappyDaystwodecadeslater.11

1956–1957:RUSSELL

Boston’s Red Auerbach traded future Hall of Famers EdMacauley and CliffHagan for Russell’s rights before the 1956 draft.Why? Because he needed a“modern”centerwhocouldhandletheboards,protecttherim,andkick-startfastbreaksforhisspeedyguards.Redanticipatingin1956

exactly where the sport was heading—to a T—remains his single greatestaccomplishment.Well,thatandlivingintohismid-eightieseventhoughhelivedon Chinese food and went through cigars like breath mints. For the Celtics,Russellcarriedthemtothe’57title.FortheNBA,Russellimportedpreviouslyforeignconceptslike“jumping,”“dunking,”“shotblocking”and

“blackness.”Theultimatewin-win.

1957–1958:BASKETBALLCARDS

AfterBowman’s1948setbombedwithfans,ToppswaitedafulldecadebeforetrottingoutitsfirstNBAset.Eightyplayers(includingveteranslikeCousyandSchayes)suddenlyhadtheirown

“rookiecard.”Sixdecadeslater,it’spracticallyimpossibletofindthosecardsinmint or near-mint condition for obvious reasons (the set sold poorly) and lessobvious reasons (most of the cards were miscut, off-center, and eitheroverprinted or underprinted).12 Russell’s short-printed rookie trails onlyMikan’s ’48 Bowman rookie (worth $9K-plus in near-mint condition) in theMost Valuable Basketball Card Ever race. Another four years passed beforeFleer made an ill-fated, one-year jump into the card business with a now-valuable, hard-to-find 1961–62 set that featured rookies for Wilt, West andOscar (and might be the least exciting cards ever made). Three sets, threefailures. No more basketball cards were produced until the 1969–70 season,whenToppsreleaseda“tallboy”setofninety-ninecardsthatdoubledasrookiesforKareem,Hondo,Willis,Pearl,FrazierandWilkens.

Why is this important? Every relevant rookie card from 1946 to 1970 can befoundinthe’48

Bowman,’58Topps,’62Fleerand’70Toppssets.IfthisbookbecomestheDaVinciCodeofNBAbooks,I’musingpartofmyfinancialwindfalltobuythesefoursetsinmintcondition.TherestofthemoneywillbespentonaManhattanBeach house on the water, a minority stake in the Clippers that includescourtsideseats,aBMWM6convertible,hookers,divorcelawyers,aHollywoodproductioncompanythattakesatonofmeetingsandlunchesbutneveractuallyproduces anything, and expensive Zegna shirts that show off my chest hair.Moveover,DonaldSterling—there’sanewsheriffintown.

1958–60:COLORIZATION

NotonlydidLakersrookieElginBaylorfollowRussell’sleadbybringinghangtime,explosiveness,andmidaircreativityintotheleague,butWiltChamberlainwas finishing a one-year Globetrotters stint13 and planned on joiningPhiladelphia the followingyear. (TheWarriorshaddraftedWiltasa territorialpickin1955whenhewasaseniorinhighschool.Don’task.)Anticipatinghisarrival, the league created an offensive goaltending rule, nicknamed theWiltChamberlainRule, that prohibited offensive players from tipping shots on therim.Theruleevolvedovertheyearsbecause,inthetapeofWilt’s73-pointgamein ’62, he redirected a number of jump shots from teammates into the basketbeforetheyhittherim,somethingthatwouldn’tbelegalnow.Theyhadtohavetweakedtheruleinthemid-sixties.Bytheway,youknowyou’vearrivedinlifewhenyougetarulenamedafteryou.14

TheDipper exceeded all expectations inhis rookie season, averaging a record37.6points,capturingtheRookieoftheYear,MVP,andMLBHC(MostLikelytoBangHotChicks)awardsandeveninspiringNBCtoexpandits telecasts toSaturdayandSundayafternoons.15Ontheotherhand,Wiltbecamesofrustratedbyconstantpoundingfromsmalleropponentsthathebrieflyretiredinthespringof1960.WithotherstarslikeCousycomplainingabouttheinterminablelengthof the season 16 (as well as constant traveling, low salaries, the physical tollfrom a brutal schedule and the league’s refusal to protect them fromdoubleheaders and back-to-back-to-back games), the NBA suddenly faced itssecondcrisis:apublicbreachwith itsstars.Thiswouldn’t fullymanifest itselfforanotherfouryears.Andthen?Itmanifesteditself.Likeabitch.

1960–61:THESCORINGBOOM

Not necessarily a good thing.Why?Nobody played defense, and every gamelooked like a disjointedAll-Star contest or evenworse a collegepickupgamewherenobodyrunsbackonD

becausethey’resweatingoutthepreviousnight’skegparty.The’61Celticsledthe league in scoring (124.5pergame)andaveraged119.5 fieldgoal attemptsand 33.5 free throw attempts. To put those numbers in perspective, the 2008Celtics averaged 76 field goal attempts and 26 free throw attempts per game.That’sinsane.PlaysufferedsobadlythatNBCdroppedtheNBAoneyearlaterdespite a memorable ’62 Finals.17 The following season (’63), commissionerMauricePodoloffslappedtogetheraproductionteamto“broadcast”theAll-StarGame and theNBAFinals, then sold a syndication package to local affiliatesaroundthecountrylikeitwasAmericanGladiatorsorTheSteveWilkosShow.Unbelievable.

Becauseoftheinordinatelyhighnumberofpossessions,thestatisticsfrom1958to1962need tobe takenwithanentireshakerofsaltandpossiblyasaltwatertaffyfactory.

Within five seasons, scoring increased by 18.6 points, field goal attemptsincreasedbymorethan4

per quarter, therewere nearly 18more rebounds available for each team, andshootingpercentagesimprovedasteamsplayedlessandlessdefense.

Thenthe’62seasonrolledaroundandthefollowingthingshappened:

1.Wiltaveraged50points

2.Oscaraveragedatripledouble

3.WaltBellamyaverageda32–19

4.Russellaveraged23.6boardsandfelltwobehindWiltforthereboundtitle

Hard to take thosenumbersat facevalue, right?Andthat’sbeforefactoring inoffensive goaltending (legal at the time), the lack of athletic big men(significant) and poor conditioning (which meant nobody played defense). IwatchedaDVDofWilt’s73-pointgameinNewYorkandtwothingsstoodout:First, he looked like a McDonald’s All-American center playing junior highkids; nobody had the size or strength to consider dealing with him. Second,becauseoftheballs-to-the-wallspeedofthegames,thenumberoftouchesWiltreceived per quarter was almost unfathomable.Wilt averaged nearly 40 fieldgoalattemptsandanother17freethrowattemptspergameduringhis50-pointseason.Exactlyfortyyearslater,ShaqandKobeaveragedacombined52

points a game on nearly the same amount of combined field-goal/free-throwattempts.18Things leveledoffonce teamsstarted takingdefensea littlemoreseriously,althoughittookafulldecadetoslowdownandresemblewhatwe’reseeingnowstatistically(atleastalittle).Here’sasnapshoteveryfouryearsfrom1962on.Noticehowpossessions,reboundtotalsandpointtotalsbegantodrop;how shooting percentages kept climbing; and beyond that, how the numbersjumpedaroundfrom’62to’74to’86to’94to’04to’08.20

Comparethenumbersfrom’62and’08again.StillimpressedbyOscar’stripledoubleorWiltslappingupa50–25fortheseason?Sure…butnotasmuch.

1961–62:THEFIRSTRIVAL

Abe Saperstein’s American Basketball League died quickly, but not beforeplanting the seed for two futureNBA ideas: awider foul lane (16 feet) and athree-pointline.TheABLalsogambledon

“blackballed”NBAplayers, includingConnieHawkins,whoaverageda28–13forPittsburghandwontheleague’sonlyMVPaward.IntheoneandonlyABLFinals,theClevelandPipersdefeatedtheKansasCitySteers,threegamestotwo,with future Knicks star Dick Barnett leading the way. The ABL disbandedmidway through its second season, with the league-leading Steers declaredleague“champs.”Goodruleofthumb:ifyouhaveafranchisenamedtheKansasCitySteersinyourprofessionalsportsleague,youprobablyaren’tmakingit.IfyouhaveateamcalledtheHawaiiChiefs,youalmostdefinitelyaren’tmaking

it. And if you name a team (in this case, the Pittsburgh Rens) after theabbreviationfor“Renaissance,”youdefinitelyaren’tmakingit.21

1962–63:THEVOID

WhenBobCousyretiredaftergettinghisfifthring,theAssociationlostitsmostpopularplayerandsomeonewhorankedalongsideMickeyMantleandJohnnyUnitasfromaculturalstandpoint.Coozgottreatedtoanongoingfarewell tourthroughout the season, as well as the first-ever super-emotional retirementceremony that featured Cooz breaking down and some leather-lunged fanscreaming, “We love ya,Cooz!”Whowould step into theCooz’s void as theleague’smostbelovedwhiteguy?DidWesthaveitinhim?WhataboutLucas?Yup, the leaguewas becoming blacker and blacker… and if youwere a TVnetwork thinking about buying its rights in a bigoted country, this was not agoodthing.

(Ontheflipside,withLennyWilkensthrivingontheHawksandOscarrunningthe show in Cincy, the old “blacks aren’t smart enough to run a football orbasketball team” stereotype started to look stupid… although it never reallydisappearedandevenresurfacedasakeyplotlineduringseasononeofFridayNightLightsin2007.)22

1963–64:THESIT-DOWNSTRIKE

January14,1964,Boston,Massachusetts.

(We’re going with a paragraph break and parentheses to build the dramatictension.Sorry,Iwasfeelingit.)

Frustratedbylowwages,excessivetravelingandthelackofapensionplan,the’64All-Starsmakeoneoftheballsiestandshrewdestdecisionsinthehistoryofprofessionalsports,tellingcommissionerWalterKennedytwohoursbeforetheAll-StarGamethattheywon’tplaywithoutapensionagreementinplace.WithABCtelevisingthegameandthreateningKennedythatapotentialTVcontractwilldisappeariftheplayersleavethemhanginginprimetime,Kennedyagreesfifteenminutesbeforetip-offtofacilitateapensiondealwiththeowners.Attica!Attica!

Attica!

HowthisnightneverbecameanEmmyAward-winningdocumentaryforHBOSports remains one of the great mysteries in life. You had Boston battling amajorblizzard that night.Youhadevery relevantCeltic (currentor retired) inthebuilding,includingtheentire1946–47team,aswellasagoodchunkoftheleague’sretiredstarsplayinganOld-TimersGamebefore themainevent.YouhadanAll-Starcontestfeaturingfiveofthegreatestplayersever(Wilt,Russell,West,OscarandBaylor) in theirprimes,aswellasanumberofotherrelevantnames(Lucas,Havlicek,Heinsohn,LennyWilkens,SamJon,HalGreer)andthegreatest coach ever (Auerbach) coaching the East. You had Larry Fleisheradvising the players in the locker room, a powerful lawyer who brandishedsignificantinfluencewiththeplayersdowntheroad.Youhadthefirstinstancein American sports history of professional stars risking their careers andpaychecksforagreatergood.Andultimately,youhadwhatturnedouttobethefirstpensionplanof themodern sports era, the first realvictory for aplayer’sunioninsportshistory.23Otherthanthat,itwasaprettyboringnight.

Halberstam unearthed two classic tidbits while reporting Breaks of theGame.First, the leaders of the “let’s strike” movement were Heinsohn, Russell andWilkens. The voteswere split (Halberstam’s estimation: 11–9 in favor) and afew influential stars wanted to play and negotiate later … including WiltChamberlain. Even during far-reaching labor disputes,Wilt did whatever wasbest for him. Classic. And second, just when it seemed like the dissenting

playersmight convince everyone else to play,Lakers ownerBobShort sent amessagedowntothelockerroomorderingWestandBaylortogetdressedandgettheirassesoutonthecourt,sendingtheentirelockerroominto“Screwtheseguys,we’renotplaying!”mode.Andtheydidn’t.Theseedsforfreeagencyandbig-money contractswere planted on this night. Again, you’re tellingme thiswouldn’t be a good HBO documentary?Where’s Liev Schreiber? Somebodypourhimacoffeeanddrivehimtoarecordingstudio!

In general, the NBA was veering in a healthier direction. Walter KennedyreplacedPodoloffastheleague’ssecond(and,everyonehoped,morecompetent)commish.24 The Celtics became the first to routinely play five blacks at thesame time as opponents emulated their aggressive style—chasing the balldefensively,keepingacenterunderneathtoprotecttherim,andusingtheotherdefenderstoswarmanddouble-team.Withthedegreeofdifficultyrisingontheoffensive end, the athleticism of certain players started to flourish.You knowsomethingwashappeningsinceattendancerosetonearly2.5millionandABCforkedover$4millionforafive-yearrightsdealdespiteadearthofwhitestars.

The network handed its package to Roone Arledge, an innovative youngexecutive who eventually helped revolutionize television with his work onMondayNightFootball,WideWorldofSports, theOlympics,college football,and evenNightline (the first show of its kind). 25 According to Halberstam,“WhatABChas toprove toadisbelievingnationalpublic, [Arledge]believed,was that this was not simply a bunch of tall awkward goons throwing a ballthroughahoop,butagameofgraceandpowerplayedatafeverofintensity.Hewas artist enough to understand and catch the artistry of the game. He usedreplaysendlesslytoshowtheballet,andtocatchtheintensityof thematchups…he intended toexploitasbesthecould the traditional rivalries, for thatwasoneofthebestthingstheleaguehadgoingforit,genuinerivalriesinwhichtheplayers themselves participated. Those rivalries, Boston-Philly, New York-Baltimore, needed no ballyhoo; the athletes themselves were self-evidentlyproudandtheylikednothingbetterthantobeattheiropponents,particularlyonnationaltelevision.Theywere,inthosedays,obviouslymotivatedmorebypridethanmoney,andthecamerasreadilycaughttheirpride.”Forthefirst time,theNBAwasintherighthandswithaTVnetwork.26

1964–65:THEBIGTRADE

WhenthestrugglingWarriorssentWilt(andhisgiganticcontract)backtoPhillyforConnieDierking,LeeShaffer,$150,000,BalticAvenue, tworailroads,andthreeimmunities,thetraderejuvenatedPhillyandSanFranciscoasNBAcities—bothwouldmaketheFinalswithinthenextthreeyears—andwascoveredlikeanactualnewsevent.Infact,“ChamberlainTraded!”mayhavebeentheNBA’sfirstunorchestratedmainstreammoment.Putitthisway:WalterCronkitewasn’tmentioning theNBA on theCBS Evening News unless it was something like“CelticslegendBobCousyretiredtoday.”I’vealwayscalledthistheMomTest.Mymotherwasneverasportsfan,soifsheeversaidsomethinglike,“Hey,how’boutthatMikeTyson,canyoubelievehebitthatguy’searoff?”thenyouknewitwasahugesportsmomentbecause thepeoplewhoweren’tsports fanswerepayingattention.Anyway,Wiltgetting tradeddefinitelypassed theMomTest.Also,IthinkWiltsleptwiththeMomTest.

(One other biggie that year: with Tommy Heinsohn retiring after the season,OscarRobertson replacedhimas theheadof theplayersunion. I just love thefactthatweliveinaworldwhereTommyonceledalabormovement.Elgin,Igotta tell ya, Iabsolutely loveyour idea foradentalplan!Bing,bang,boom!That’saTommyPointforyou,Mr.B!)

1965–66:RED’SLASTSTAND

I always loved Red Auerbach for announcing his retirement before the ’66seasonstarted,hopingtomotivatehisplayersanddrumupnationalinterestinan“Okay,here’syourlastchancetobeatme!”season.Likealways,hesucceeded:Boston defeated the Lakers for an eighth straight title in Red’s much-hypedfarewell, 27 given an extra jolt after Game 1 of the Finals when Auerbachannounced that Russell would replace him as the first black coach in

professionalsportshistory.28

LikeeverythingReddid,themoveworkedonbothfronts:Bostonralliedtowinthe’66title,andRussellturnedouttobetheperfectcoachforRussell(althoughnotrightaway).

Red’s retirementmarked the departure of old-school coacheswho didn’t needassistants, bitched out officials like they were meter maids, punched outopposingowners andhostile fans, neverused clipboards todiagramplays andmanned the sidelines holding only a rolled-up program. He controlled everysingleaspectofBoston’sfranchise,coachingthe teambyhimself,signingfreeagents, trading and waiving players, making draft picks, scouting collegeplayers,drivingtheteambusonroadtrips,handlingtheteam’sbusinessaffairsand travel plans, performing illegal abortions on his players’ mistresses andeverything else.29 That’s just theway the leagueworked from 1946 to 1966.Redwasalso somethingof a showman,puttingon foot-stomping showswhenthingsdidn’tgoBoston’sway,antagonizingrefereesandopponents,andlightingvictorycigarsbeforegameshadended.UntilWiltusurpedhistitle,Redservedastheleague’spremiersupervillain,theguyeveryonelovedtohateevenastheywereadmittinghemadetheleaguemorefun.

With players finally earning realmoney and achieving fame on amainstreamlevel,theplayer-coachdynamicwasshifting—itwasbecomingmoredifficulttoscream at players Lombardi-style or make them run wind sprints until theykeeledover,that’sforsure—andsalaryhikesmadeithardertokeepgreatteamstogether. 30Auerbach lowballed his players by convincing them they’dmakethemoneyback in theplayoffs;heknew that if theybought into thatbullshit,then he’d never have to worry about motivating them. Once salaries startedclimbing past a certain point, you couldn’t play the playoff-money card. Likealways,Auerbach read the league’s tea leaves perfectly and left at the perfecttime.FromthemomentBiasonecreated theshotclock,Reddeterminedwherethesportwasheading,embracedtheinfluxofblackplayersandcapablyhandledthe enigmatic Russell, a ferocious competitor, lazy practice player and overlysensitivesoulwhowasaffectedbyeverythinghecouldn’tcontrol:theplightofAfricanAmericanathletes,hislackofacceptanceinBoston,thelackofalabor

agreement,Wilt’sreportedsalary,eventhecivilrightsmovementandhisplaceinit.OtherthanMuhammadAli,Russellwasthesinglemostimportantathleteof the sixties and it’s impossible to imagine him playing for anyone else, asevidencedby the fact thatRednevergaveus the chance.Theywere aperfectmatch, a little Jewishguy fromBrooklyn and a tall blackguy fromLouisianabringingoutthebestineachother,dominatingtheleagueforasoliddecadeandchanging theway basketballwas played.Will a professional basketball coachevermatterthatmuchagain?No.Noway.

1966–67:THESECONDRIVAL

The American Basketball Association formed in February of 1967 andannouncedplans for its first season inOctober.The intentions of the league’sfounders were unclear: did they want to compete with the NBA or force apotentially lucrativemerger?Withina fewmonths, theynamedGeorgeMikancommissioner,announcedfranchisesforelevencities(NewYork,31Pittsburgh,Indy,Minny, Oakland, Anaheim, Dallas, NewOrleans, Houston and Denver)andpromisedto(a)signcurrentNBAplayersandincomingrookies(happened);(b)get themselvesaTVcontract (didn’thappen), (c)playwithamulticoloredballanda three-point line (happened),and(d)encourage theirplayers togrowgravity-defying afros, dunk as much as possible and try all kinds of drugs(happened). 32 Instead of accepting that a rival was inevitable, NBA ownerspanickedandmoveduptheirexpansionplans,addingfivemoreteams(Chicago,SanDiego,Seattle,MilwaukeeandPhoenix)overthenextthreeyearsandthenthree more (Portland, Cleveland and Buffalo) for the 1970–71 season. As anABCexecutivejokedinBreaks,whentheyputinaclauseinthe1965TV

contractallowingABCtocancelifanyNBAteamfolded,theyshouldhavegonetheotherwayandplaceda limiton thenumberofexpansion teams.After all,nothing ruins a sports league faster than overexpansion, diluted teams and thedeath of rivalries, right? 33 Throw in competition for players, a potentialantitrust lawsuit and the new Players Association potentially challenging thereserve clause, and suddenly things weren’t looking so rosy for the NationalBasketballAssociation.Althoughnobodyknewityet.

1967–71:THEBROKENMIRROR

Thatwould be SpencerHaywood.Hewas bad luck. For everyone. Sure, youmake your own bad luck to some degree, and in this case the NBA allowedsalaries to escalate too rapidly during the latter part of the sixties. In 1966,KnicksrookieCazzieRussell(thenumberoneoverallpick)signedathree-year,$250,000contract,pushingtheAssociationintothe“okay,guys,youdon’thaveto have a second job during the summers anymore” era. The following year,college star Elvin Hayes passed up ABAmoney (and the chance to play forHouston) for a $350,000 deal with the Rockets. JimmyWalker (Jalen Rose’sdad)parlayedtheABA’sinterestintoalucrative

$250,000packagewithDetroit,becomingthefirstofdozensof talentedyoungNBA players who didn’t reach their potential partly because somebody paidthemtoomuchtoosoon.WarriorsstarRickBarryjumpedleagues,signedwithOaklandandbecamethefirstprofessionalathletetodisputethereserveclauseincontracts(aclausethatallowedteamstokeepaplayer’srightsforoneyearafterhiscontractended).ThelegalchallengewentpoorlyandBarryspenttheseasonas Oakland’s TV announcer. As far as career moves go, this ranked right uptherewithDavidCarusoditchingNYPDBlueandAndyRichterleavingConanO’Brien’s show. On the bright side, somebody had to challenge the reserveclause,right?34

Here’s the irony:Evenasmoneywaspoisoningprofessionalbasketball for thefirst time, theNBAcouldn’thavebeen inbetter shapeasawhole.During the1968–69 season, the Lakers opened up the league’s first state-of-the-art arena(the17,000-seatL.A.Forum),attendancetopped4.4

million,ratingsrosefrom6.0(1965)to8.9in1969,andABCeventelevisedafewprime-timeplayoffgames(includingGame7ofthe1969FinalsduringMaysweeps).Buteveryonewasgettinggreedy:players,owners,agents,younameit.Andyouknowhowthatplaysout.

Enter the BrokenMirror. Haywood started his professional career when LewAlcindordid, sowecanblamehisbadkarma for swaying theNBA’snumberonepick thatyear:Phoenixwouldhavebeenabettermarket forBigLew,butMilwaukeewonthecointossandtheSunstookNeilWalksecond.35Haywoodbecame the first nonsenior to play professionally, signing with the ABA’sDenver Rockets as a “hardship” case and unwittingly giving the ABA anenormous advantage: Now the ABA had first crack at nonseniors and highschoolers because the NBA stuck by its antiquated four-year draft eligibilityrule.SoyoucouldblameHaywoodfortheeventualinfluxofunderclassmenandteenagerswho nearly submarined theNBA in the 1990s, aswell as theNBApreventingmore dangerous Haywood signings by arranging amerger inMay1971.TheNBAacceptedtenABAteams(everyonebutVirginia).Inreturn,theABAdroppeditsantitrustsuit,eachABAteamagreedtopay$1.25millionovertenyears,andABAteamsweredeprivedofTV

money until 1973. The NBA Players Association quickly sued to block it,arguing that themergercreatedamonopolyandpreserved theunconstitutionalreserveclause.Theensuinglegaldispute(nicknamedtheOscarRobertsonsuit)woulddragonforanotherfivemiserableyears.Inretrospect,it’shardtofathomhowtheNBAcouldhavehandledtwenty-eightteamsin1972,sothetimingofthat lawsuit looks like divine intervention. Regardless, I blame the BrokenMirror(Haywood)forputtingitinmotion.

AfterwinningthreeABAawardsasarookie(MVP,RookieoftheYearandAll-StarMVP),36

Haywood left tread marks fleeing for the 1970–71 Sonics after realizing hisquote-unquotethree-year,$450,000Denvercontractonlypaidhim$50,000peryear,thenanother$15,000

annuallyfortwentyyearsstartingwhenheturnedforty.HehadbeenvictimizedbyabrilliantABAtrickcalledtheDolgoffplan,inwhichtheyofferedcontractswithdeceivinglyhighdollarfiguresbutbackloadedmostofthedeals.Howdidthey pull off such chicanery? According to Loose Balls, by routinely bribingagentstotalktheirclientsintothosedeals.37(ThebiggerproblemarosewhenNBA stars used those artificially high numbers to negotiate legitimately highdeals, leadingtothesalaryexplosionthattransformedtheNBAasweknewit.

Andnot in a goodway.Well, unless you enjoywatchingwealthy, coked-out,passionless basketball.Thenyouwere pumped.)Haywood signedwithSeattleand successfully contested the NBA’s hardship rule, leading to a slew ofprospectsfilingearlyandclaimingfinancial“hardship”eventhoughnearlyallofthemweregettingpaidunderthetableincollege.38

Haywoodsymbolizedanincreasinglyerraticsport:wealthyandempoweredjusta little too soon, lookingout for himself only, thrivingduring an erawith toomany teamsandyoungerstarsbeinggiven toomuchmoneyandresponsibilitywaaaaaaaaay too soon. That’s how the seventies became the TooMany, TooMuch,TooSoonera.TheBrokenMirrorbecameitsdefiningfigure,peakingtooearly,earningatonofmoneyandspendingitjustasfast,switchingteamseveryfewyears (always after letting the previous one down), helping to destroy thepost-Bradley Knicks, souring Sonics coach/GM Bill Russell on professionalbasketball,marryingacelebrity(themodelIman),developingamassivecocaineproblem and even being involved in the single greatest known coke story inNBAhistory(we’llget there).Itcan’tbeacoincidencethatSpencerHaywoodretired after the 1982–83 season and the league immediately took off. It justcan’t.

1971–72:THESTREAK

Why hasn’t anyone made a documentary about the ’72 Lakers? You had theleague’smostbelovedstarandtragicfigure,JerryWest,winninghisfirsttitleona69-winteam.YouhadElginretiringtwoweeksintotheseasonandbecomingthefirstsuperstartoretirewithoutwinningaring,39

pavingthewayforDanMarino,CharlesBarkley,KarlMaloneandeveryotherstarwho tookheat for falling short.YouhadWiltplaying thewaywealwayswantedhimtoplay.YouhadanincreasingnumberofHollywoodcelebshittinghomegamesat the“hip”L.A.Forum,a trendthatDorisDayhadpioneered inthe early sixties. Best of all, you had L.A.’s 33-game winning streak, whichhappened in a diluted league but remains remarkablewhen you remember theprevious recordwas 20 (the ’71 Bucks). 40 I’ll savemy thoughts on the ’72

Lakersforthe“KeyzerSöze”

chapter, but let’s rank that streak against the unbreakable records in NBAhistory.Here’smytopten:

1.Wilt’s 50per game.Perfect stormof the right era, the right guy, the rightrulesandtherightballhog.Wemightnotsee40agameagain,muchless50.

2.Wilt’s55-reboundgame.Sincenobodyhas comewithin20boardsof thismarkinthepasttwodecades,andsinceit’sdifficultforanentireteamtosnare55reboundsthesedays,I’mdeclaringthisonesafe.Theguywhocamewithin20?(Waitforit…waitforit…)CharlesOakleyin1988.

3.Russell’selevenrings.Toomany teams, toomuchmovement, too tough tokeep a great team together for more than a few years. I just can’t imaginesomeone getting twelve. Even if someone had a Horry-like career as a roleplayer and played contender roulette for fifteen years, landing in the rightsituation over and over again, could they get twelve? Nobody had bettertiming/luck thanHorry and he only has seven. Could someone be 55 percentluckierthanBigShot?Idon’tseeit.

4.L.A.’s33-gamewinstreak.LikeBobBeamon’slongjumpinMexico,onlyif he jumped 39 feet instead of 29 feet. Here’s how it happened: you had aveteran, experienced, talented nucleus that had been together for yearsdismantlingadilutedleaguethat,exceptforMilwaukeeandBaltimore,hadseentoo much player movement because of expansion and the ABA. In a three-seasonspanfrom1969to1972,wewitnessedfourofthethirteenlongeststreaksever: 33 games, 20 games, 18 games and 16 games (the ’71 Bucks again).Coincidence? Noway. I have a goofy theory on the 33-gamer: Bill Sharmantookover theLakers that year andmayhavebeen the first “real”NBAcoachever. Back then, NBA game days consisted of players showing up an hourbefore the game, farting around, then getting advice from coaches like “Keep

Willis off the boards” and “Don’t letMonroekill us”while everyone smokedMarlboroReds.Sharmanwasasticklerfordetail,conditioningandrepetition—things today’s generation takes for granted but everyone ignored in the fiftiesandsixties—forcinghisplayerstostretcheveryday,pushingthemtoeathealthyand quit smoking, scheduling game-day shoot-arounds so players could getaccustomedtorimsandshootingbackgroundsatdifferentarenas,requiringthemtowatchgamefilmsandbasicallydoingeverythingthatmoderncoachesdo.ForaveteranteamliketheLakers,thoselittlethingspushedthemtoanotherlevel.HealsohandledChamberlainbetterthananyothercoach,becomingthefirsttoconvince Wilt to buy into Russell’s rebounding/shot-blocking routine, evenpulling a Jedimind trick by solicitingWilt’s opinions and ideas all season soWiltfeltpartofeverythingthatwashappening.41TheDippersacrificedatonofshotsbutfullyembracedthewholeunselfishness/teamworkthing,42andovereverythingelse,that’swhatmadehisteamsogreat.Soyeah,onpaper,itdoesn’tmakesensethatthe’72Lakerswerebetterthanthe’69Lakers…butwhenyoufactorinadilutedleague,Sharman’sinfluenceandWilt’sreinvention,itmakessense.

5.GeorgeMcGinnis’422 turnovers.Disclaimer:Thishappened in theABA.McGinnisholds the first (422), second (401),and third (398)all-time turnoverspots, making him the Chamberlain of turnovers. 43 The NBA didn’t startkeepingtrackofturnoversuntilthe’78

season,robbingusoftwolandmarkGeorgeyearsbeforehenotched312in1978andawhopping346in1979.Whomademoreturnoversovertheyears,GeorgeMcGinnisorRachaelRay?Willwe ever see someone else averagemore thanfiveturnoversagamewithoutgettingbenchedorkilledbyhisownfans?IfI’dhadmycolumnbackinthemid-seventies,IwouldhavebeenraggingonGeorgeconstantly: between his ball-stopping habits, ugly one-handed jumper, moodyattitude and disinterest in defense, George took more off the table than any“superstar” ever.You can’t believehowmuchMcGinnis secretly suckeduntilyouwatchhisstinkbombinthe’77Finals.Iknowhepeakedtwoorthreeyearsearlier (most famouslywith a 52-point, 37-rebound game in 1974) and had amiserableseries,butstill,youcan’t tellmesomeonethatsloppyandsimple todefendbelongedonachampionshipteam.44Regardless,Ican’timagineanyonebreakingGeorge’shallowed422oraveragingaquadruplenickellikehedidin’75(29.9points,9.2

boards, 6.3 assists and 5.3 turnovers).Kevin Porter andArtisGilmore set thecurrentNBArecordwith360turnoversapiecein’78.AllenIversonapproachedthatmarkwith344in2005;nobodyelseinthe2000stopped320.George,yourrecord is safe. Future generations will remember you as the one and onlymemberoftheQuadrupleNickelClub.

6.Wilt’s100-pointgame.45Kobe’s81-pointgamemadethisoneseemslightlybreakable. The right perimeter player at the right point in his career with therighttouchofofficiatingcoulddefinitelychallengeitwithhelpfromthethree-pointline.Inhis81-pointexplosion,Kobeplayed42minutesandmade21of33two-pointers,7of13threesand18of20freethrowsagainstamessofaTorontoteam. (Thekey forKobe that night:Toronto’s perimeter defenderswere JalenRose, Mike James, Morris Peterson, Joey Graham and a washed-up EricWilliams.Thoseguyscouldn’thavestoppedaDavidThompsonnosebleed.)Solet’stweakthosenumbersslightly,havehimhogtheballalittlemoreandmakehimslightlymoreaccurate.Hadheplayed46minutesandmade24of37two-pointers, 10 of 15 threes and 22 of 24 free throws, that’s exactly 100 points.Lookatthetwosetsofnumbersagain;isthesecondsetthatbigastretchfromthefirst?

7.Chicago’s72-winseason.Theperfectstormoftherightera(theleagueatitsmost diluted), right team (a pissed-off Bulls team hell-bent on reclaiming itsthrone) and right alpha dog (a possessed Jordan coming off his “baseballsabbatical”andahumiliatingplayoffdefeat).Ican’timagineanyonefinishingaseasonwithfewerthan10losses.It’stooimprobable.

8.ScottSkiles’30-assistgame.SomeperfectstormpotentialbecausetherecordhappenedagainstPaulWesthead’snonsensical’91NuggetsteamthatattemptedLoyolaMarymount’s run-and-gunstyleand failed somemorably.Whether it’sbrokenornot, let’sagreethatwe’llneverseeanotherbaldingwhitedudeshellout30assistsagain.46

9.RasheedWallace’s41 technicals. In just77games! Inotherwords,Sheedaveragedanastonishing0.53technicalspergameforthe2000–1season;it’slikeTeddyBallgame’s

.406butforsemi-homicidalsportsmarks.

10. Jose Calderon’s 98.1 free throw percentage. This just happened—Calderonmade 151 of 154 free throws in ’09 and shatteredCalvinMurphy’sseeminglyinsurmountable95.8from

’81(rightbeforetheychangedthe3-to-make-2rule).Murphymade206of215FTsandstillholdsthe200-plusrecord.LarryBirdholdsthe300-plus(93%,319for 343) and400-plus (91%,414 for 455) records.AndMagic Johnson (91%,511for563)holdsthe500-plusrecord.Regardless,don’tfeelbadforMurphy,becausehestillownsoneofthegreatrecordsinsportshistory:fourteenkidsbynine different women, the unofficial siring record for athletes as far as I’mconcerned.Putthatthingaway,Calvin!Andyouwonderedwhytheycalledhimthe“PocketRocket.”

1972–73:THEDOUBLECROSS

Duringthefinalyearofitslatestfour-yearcontractwithABC—thenetworkthathelped nurture professional basketball into a mainstream force—the NBAnegotiated a dealwithCBSmandating that thewinning networkhad to showNBAgamesstartingbetween1:00and2:00p.m.onSaturdayafternoons.SinceABCcouldn’tdumpcrucialcollegefootballgamesinOctoberandNovember,abitterRooneArledgedroppedhisrightoffirstrefusalanddecidedtodestroytheNBAonCBS.Whichhedid.Easily.ArledgepromotedthelivinghelloutofhisSaturday college football games and crushed the Association in the ratings,quicklyturningitbackintoaSundays-onlyTVentity.ThenheexpandedWideWorld of Sports to Sundays, where it did an eye-opening 12.0 rating andthrashedtheNBAeveryweeklikearedheadedstepchild.Ifthatweren’tenough,herolledthedicewithtrashsportslikeSuperstarsandWorld’sStrongestMan,andeven thoseprogramsbeat theNBA.Withinayear, theNBA’s ratingshad

dropped25percent,from10.0to8.1,andwhencollegehoopstookoffonNBC,suddenly the NBA was cranking out third-place finishes every Sunday. AsHalberstamwrote inBreaks of theGame, “AlongMadisonAvenue it becameknownasRoone’sRevenge.”

Whywouldtheownersscrewoveranetworkthatsaveditsleague?Apparentlythe newer owners were jealous of theNFL’s lucrative contract withABC, aswellastheattentionlavishedonMondayNightFootball,feelingthey’dneverbebetterthannumberthreeonABC’sdepthchartbehindprofootballandcollegefootball. I’d throw in this theory: for thirty solid years, this was the dumbestleaguegoing.Theseguyscouldn’tfigureouthowtoaligndivisionsoreliminatejump balls at the beginning of every quarter, so of course they’d be dumbenoughtosabotagetheirABC

allianceandstartafeudwiththemostpowerfulTVexecutivealive.AccordingtoHalberstam, only one relevantNBAvoice argued against the double cross:Auerbach,whoappreciatedABC’seffortsandaskedthesalientquestion,“Youdon’treallythinkamanlikeRooneArledgeisgoingtotakethislyingdown,doyou?”EveryoneignoredRedandpushedfortheswitcherootoCBS,pavingtheway for everything that would happen over the next ten years: free-fallingratings,nontelevisedGame7’s,tape-delayedFinalsgamesandsweepingpublicapathy47

1973–74:THEWARTHATCOULDN’TBEWON

When two sidesbattle, normally there’s awinner anda loser.When theABAandNBAbattled,everyonelost.TheABAwashemorraghingmoneyandgoingthroughcommissionersliketheywereStarbucksbaristas,48whiletheNBAwassufferinginfivedistinctways.Inorder:

1.BiddingwarsandswollencontractsdamagedthenewgenerationofNBAup-and-comers. SidneyWicks,Haywood,Hayes, JimmyWalker, SamLacey and

Austin Carr suffered right away; McAdoo, McGinnis (after crossing over in’75),Maravich andArchibald suffered eventually.When those players shouldhavebeenenjoyingtheirprimesinthelate-’70s,onlyHayeswascontributingtoacontender.Wealsohadsketchyplayersmakingsignificantlymoremoneythantheir coaches, creating its own legion of problems that Tommy Heinsohnexplainedbeautifullyinhisaward-winningautobiography,Give’EmtheHook:

Darryl Dawkins is the perfect example. The guy could have been a monster,shouldhavebeenamonster,butnobodyhad thecontrols.Armedwitha long-termcontract,Darrylhadthesecurityofdollarscomingin.I’veseenthishappensomanytimes….It’snotjustthelengthofthecontractthathurts,it’sthelengthof the guaranteed lifestyle.Unless you’re talking about athleteswho are trulydedicatedtothegame,theonlytimetheseguysbeardowniswhentheirsecurityis threatened. I used to talk about this with Cousy, who began coaching theKingsinCincinnatithesameyearItookthejobinBoston.OnenighthestartedtellingmeaboutSamLacey,his rookiecenter—howhewaspessimisticabouthimbecauseSamwouldn’tdo this,Samwouldn’tdo that,and justdidn’t takeverywell to coaching. “Cooz,” I said. “I don’t knowwhat you expected.YouguysjustsignedSamforsomeseriousdough,didn’tyou?Soobviouslyhemustassumemanagement thinks quite highly of him.And hiswife certainly thinkshe’sgreat.Hismotherthinkshe’sgreat.Hisagentthinkshe’sgreat.You’retheonlyguy tellinghimhe’snotgreat.So,Cooz,whodoyou thinkhe’sgoing tolistento?”Coozagreed,thenhewatchedmepolishoffsevenglassesofScotchand a pack ofMarlboro Reds in less than two hours before letting me drivehome.Ivaguelyrememberdrivingintoastopsignandhittingahomelessguy.ThecopsletmegobecauseIwasTommyHeinsohn.ThoseguysgotaroundofTommyPointsthatnight!Bing,bang,boom!49

2.TheABAkeptbowlingover theNBA’s top refereeswithGodfatheroffers,stealing four of the top six (John Vanak, Joe Gushue, Earl Strom and NormDrucker), improving the quality of ABA games and leaving the NBA in alegitimate bind.50By the ’76 season, asHubieBrown toldTerry Pluto, “TheofficiatingattheendoftheABAwasliketheplayers—itwasjustanincredibleamount of talent, just staggering. And nobody knew it. The officials were abigger secret than the players.” Only Hubie could lapse into hyperbole while

discussingABAofficials.

3. NBA scoring dropped from 116.7 in 1970 to 102.6 in 1974. You couldattributesomeofthedeclinetobetterdefenseandbettercoaching;olderguardslike Frazier, Jo Jo, Bing, Goodrich and NormVan Lier setting a deliberatelyslowerpace;afamineofoveralloffensivetalent;andwaaaaaaaaytoomanyguysnamedDonandDick.The’70teamsaveraged116.7pointson99.9attemptsandshot46.0percent from the field.The ’75 teamsaveraged102.6pointson91.2attemptsandshot45.7percentfromthefield.Freethrowattemptswereroughlythe same (24.5 per team in ’70, 25.0 in ’75), so every ’75 game had aboutseventeenfewertotalpossessionsthana’70game.Why,youask?

(Youreallywantmetosayit?)

(Fine,I’llsayit.)

Toomanywhiteguys!Okay?Allright?Isaidit!Theleagueneededmoreblackguys!TheABAstoletoomanyofthem!Itwasafreakingproblem!Okay?

Tobefair,itwasn’t“blacks”asmuchas“youngathletes.”Here’showtheclashplayedoutforrelevantrookiesfrom’71through’75:

1971: Austin Carr, Sidney Wicks, Elmore Smith, Fred Brown, Curtis Rowe,CliffordRay,MikeNewlin,RandySmith(NBA);JuliusErving,ArtisGilmore,George McGinnis, Ralph Simpson, Tom Owens, Johnny Neumann, JimMcDaniels,JohnRoche(ABA)

1972: Bob McAdoo, Paul Westphal, Jim Price, Kevin Porter, Lloyd Neal

(NBA);51

George Gervin, James Silas, Jim Chones, Brian Taylor, Don Buse, DaveTwardzik(ABA)

1973: Doug Collins, Ernie DeGregorio, Mike Bantom, Kermit Washington,KevinKunnert (NBA);LarryKenon, SwenNater, JohnWilliamson,CaldwellJones(ABA)1974:BillWalton,JamaalWilkes,TomBurleson,ScottWedman,TomHenderson,CampyRussell,BrianWinters, TruckRobinson, JohnDrew,Phil Smith,Mickey Johnson (NBA);MosesMalone,Marvin Barnes,MauriceLucas,BillyKnight,BobbyJones,LenElmore(ABA)

1975: Gus Williams, Alvin Adams, Darryl Dawkins, Lionel Hollins, JuniorBridgeman, Bill Robinzine, Joe Bryant, Ricky Sobers, Kevin Grevey, LloydFree,BobbyGross(NBA);DavidThompson,MarvinWebster,M.L.Carr,DanRoundfield,MarkOlberding(ABA)

Scoring those five years like rounds in a prizefight: 10–8,ABA; 10–9,ABA;10–9, ABA; 10–9, NBA; 10–10, even. From a quality-of-play standpoint, theABA grabbed nearly every athletic rebounder and exciting perimeter scorer,forcingtheNBAtokeeptrottingoutthelikesofDickGibbsandDonFordeverynight. 52 If HBO’s Harold Lederman was judging, he’d probably say, “OHHHHHH-kay, Jim—I have to give this one to the ABA.Maybe the NBAlanded more role players and fringe starters, but Jim, out of the twenty bestincomingrookiesfrom1971to1975(Erving,Gervin,Wicks,McAdoo,Kenon,Westphal, Moses, Nater, Barnes, Gilmore, McGinnis, Walton, Silas, Wilkes,Lucas, Thompson, Collins, Knight, Buse and Bobby Jones) the ABA landedfourteenof them, including fiveguyswhocouldpotentiallyputasses in seats:Erving, Gervin, Thompson, Gilmore and Moses! They landed the biggestpunches,pushedtheenvelopewithhighschoolersandrobbedtheNBAofnearlyeveryexcitingathlete!IhavetheABAwinning,49–46!”ConsideringtheNBAhadeighteenteamsatthetime,thatwasaprettysignificantshortageofincomingtalent,no?That’swhyIhavetroubletakingthenumbersfrom’72to

’76seriously—particularlysomeofthegaudyscoring/reboundingnumbersthatdon’tjibewiththedropinscoring—becausesucharelativelysmalltalentpoolspreadwas stretchedover twenty-eight teamsand two leagues. Imagine ifyou

removedalltheEuropeanplayersfromthe2009NBA,forbadetheEasternandWesternConferences fromplaying eachother, thendirected 75percent of themosttalentedrookiestooneconferenceforfivesolidyears.Wouldn’tthestatsbeskewed?Wouldn’tyoutaketherespectiveconferencechampionshipsalittlelessseriously?

4.JuliusErvingblossomedasbasketball’smostexcitingplayerandalegitimatebox office draw, winning 1974 MVP and Playoffs MVP awards, getting anendorsementdealwithDr.PepperandgracingthecoverofSportsIllustrated’sMarch15issue:apictureofJuliusdunkingashisheadbrokeupthecomicallyunsophisticatedheadline“What’sUp?DocJ.”

Eveniffanscouldn’tseehimonTV,thebuzzsurroundingDochadmadehimcoolerthananyNBAplayer.WiththeLakersandKnicksfadingandtheNBA’syounger stars failing to resonate with the public, for the first time the ABAfinallyhadsomethingtheNBAneeded,andamergerseemedmorelikelythanever.Alas,theOscarRobertsonsuitwasstillholdingitup.TheNBAwaslikeaseparatedrichguywhofallsforamistressfromthewrongsideofthetracks(theABA),developsarelationshipwithherkid(Doc)andwantstomarryhereventhoughit’sprobablythewrongidea…onlyhehastowaitanotherfiveyearsforthe divorce to clear and keepswondering if he’s doing the right thing gettingmarriedagain.Ithinkthatanalogymadesense.I’malmostpositive.

5.Inthespringof’74,UtahdraftedhighschoolerMosesMaloneandstolehimawayfromtheUniversityofMarylandwitha four-year,$565,000deal.That’sright,thebanonhighschoolershadbeenliftedforprofessionalbasketball.PoorMoses ended up making an unprecedented life adjustment, moving fromVirginiatoUtahatthetenderageofnineteenandlivingonhisownwithouttheability to put a decent sentence together. Like Josh Baskin inBig, only withmoreMormons andmoremumbling. 53 For theNBA, itwas onemore bodyblow: instead of Moses becoming a household name at Maryland andprogressing at his own pace, the best center prospect sinceKareemwould belearningbadhabitsinaflounderingleague.Withinayear,UtahwentunderandMoseswas stuck playingwithMarvinBarnes on theSpirits of St.Louis.Notexactlytheidealmentor.54

(Only one bright spot this season: SanDiego luredWilt to theABA, but theNBAblockedthedealandWiltwasstuckcoachingtheQ’sallseason.Wilttookitseriouslyforaboutamonth, then lessseriously,andby themidwaypointofthe season, hewas no-showing games. S.D. finished last in league attendancewithlessthan1,900pergame.InWilt’sdefense,theydidn’tkeepcoachingstatsatthetimesohecouldn’tcomeupwithanyindividualgoals.)

1974–75:RACIALPROGRESS…ORNOT

The 1975Finalsmade sports history: for the first time, a championship gamefeatured two black coaches—Al Attles for Golden State, KC Jones forWashington—andifthatweren’tenough,theywerewearingsuperhipseventiesleisure suits! (Somebody needs to start a website calledMy Favorite 100 AlAttlesDiscoSuits.Every time theycut tohimon thebench, it looks likehe’swaiting on line for Luis Guzman’s club in Boogie Nights.) Jones took heatbecauseCBS’

inside-the-huddle cameras kept catching him crouching submissively duringtimeoutsasassistantBernieBickerstafffuriouslydiagrammedplaysandseemedtobetheonecoachingtheteam.SowhatifBickerstaffhappenedtobeblackaswell? This just proved that blacks shouldn’t be coaching NBA teams. Orsomething.PoorKCgotfiredayearlateranddidn’tgetanothercrackataheadcoachingjobuntil1983.55

Youknowwhat?Wecandobetterfor1974–75.MyfavoritesubplotwasOscarshattering theGreat PlayerTurned IncomprehensiblyBadTVAnalyst barrier.It’s unclear why CBS believed Oscar would have clicked with TV audienceswhen he had a (deserved) reputation for being humorless and cantankerous.Maybetheyjustwantedabigname.ButOscartankedsobadlythattheydumpedhimforformerrefereeMendyRudolph.MendyRudolph?Nowthat’sinsulting.Here’swhatfascinatesmeafterthefact:awhoppingeightofthetwenty-fiveall-timegreatestplayerswerelegitimatelyhorrendousontelevision,butthatdidn’t

stop the networks from repeatedly hiring the latest available legend under thewhole“Hey,he’sahugename,he’llbefine!”theorybeforeeventuallyweaningthemselves off the hare-brained idea (although we still see it with the NFL).Here’stheofficialNBALegendsTurnedHorribleTVPersonalitieschronology.

Elgin Baylor (’74). CBS teamed him with Brent Musburger and Hot RodHundleyforitsinauguralNBAseason,onlyElginstruggledsofamouslythatthenetworkreplacedhimduringthe

’74 playoffs. As soon as theWarriors were eliminated, they dumped him forRick Barry for the Conference Finals. 56 Can we get Elgin’s CBS work onYouTube?Cansomeonemakethathappenforme?

OscarRobertson(’75).Stoodoutforacoupleofreasons.First,heneverlookedatthecamera.Ever.Itwaslikethecamerawasthesunandhedidn’twanttogetblinded. Second, he had absolutely nothing to say, so he made up for it bymaking a variety of unprofessional sounds as the game was happening: Youknow, like “Ohhhhhhhhhhh!” and “Yes!” Oscar always sounded like he wasgettingalapdanceintheCBSChampagneRoom.Thenetworkcouldn’tgetridofhimfastenoughafter theseason,sparingusfromseeingan inevitable“TheBigONo!”headlineiftheOscareralastedtoolong.57

RickBarry(’75–’81).MoonlightedasaPlayoffscolorguyiftheWarriorsweredoneplaying,comingoffliketheannoyingguyatyourSuperBowlpartywhoplayedayearofcollegefootballandthinksthatgiveshimtherighttocriticizeandnitpickeverything that’shappening.Whenhe retiredand joinedCBSfull-timeforthe’80–’81season,Barry’sTVcareerfellapartfollowinganincrediblemoment during Game 5 of the Finals, when CBS showed a picture of a fewmembersofthe’56Olympicbasketballteam(includingayoungRussellwithabiggrinonhisface),leadingtothisexchange:

GARYBENDER:Rick,whodoyouthinkthatguyisoverthere?

BARRY (attemptinghis first jokeever): I don’tknow, it looks like some foolovertherewiththat,um,thatbigwatermelongrinthereontheleft.58

(CBS cuts from the picture to a dumbfounded Russell with the words“watermelongrin”stillhangingintheair.HeglancesbackandforthbetweenGaryBenderandBarrywitha“DidhejustsaywhatIthinkhejustsaid?”lookonhisface.Threeexcruciatingsecondspass.)

BENDER (still smiling, although hemay have been shitting himself):Who isthatguy?(Pause)That’syou,Bill.Don’tyourecognizethatpicture?

RUSSELL(notsmiling):Nope.

Did it end there? Nooooooooo! Only fifteen seconds later, with Russell stillsteaming,BarrytriedtoloosenthingsupbyhandingthepicturestoRusselloncamera.AsBarrykept askingover andover again, “You sureyoudon’twantthese?” a seething Russell turned his entire body away from Barry towardBender,whotriedtodefusethingsbytellingRick,“Youmightwanttoleavethisonealone.”AndBarrystill keptgoinguntilRussell finally saidcoldly, “No, Idon’twant’em.”

Unequivocally the most awkward sports-TV moment that didn’t include JoeNamath and Suzy Kolber. You couldn’t even believe it as it was happening.Needless to say, Barry’s contract was not renewed. And that’s anunderstatement. (Ofcourse, if this incidenthappened in today’soverlyPCera,Barry would quickly disappear from planet Earth likeMichael Richards did.)BarryeventuallyfoundasecondlifeonTBS,providingplay-by-playforthe’85Eastern Finals with—you’re not gonna believe this—Bill Russell! Who’s thegeniuswhocameupwiththatidea?

Thatwas likeMikeTysongetting freed from jail and immediatelyhosting the1996MissBlackTeenUSApageant.

JohnHavlicek (’78).Alateaddition to theMusburger-Barry teamfor the ’78Finals,59Hondosaidabsolutelynothingandflatlinedforsevengames.Wasthisreally a surprise? I lovedHondo, everyBoston fan lovedHondo, but he’s notexactly someone you’dwant giving the bestman’s speech at awedding. 60 Irememberwatchingoneof thoseFinalsgamesonNBATVat likethreeinthemorning, seeing Hondo introduced in the beginning, getting excited, thenthinkinghehadgottensickorsomethingbecausewedidn’thearhimspeakforthenextforty-fiveminutes.Nope.Hewasjustsittingthere.Youcan’tevengivehimagradeotherthan“incomplete”or“possiblyinacoma.”

BillRussell(’80–’83).Wellreceivedduringhisfirstrunintheearlyseventies,Russellwasunprepared/uninterested/un-(fillinanyotheradjectivethatsuggestslife)thesecondtimearoundandcouldn’tcarrytheloadhimselfafterBarrywasfired.Actually,hesoundedlikemydadeverytimehefallsasleepduringaRedSoxgame,wakesupinthelateinningsandmumbles,“Wait,whathappenedtoBeckett?Didwetakehimout?”ThatwasRussellforthreesolidyears.Althoughyoucan’tblamehimbecauseheworkedwithBarryforoneofthem.Maybehewasheavilymedicated.

Moses Malone (’86). Okay, we’re cheating here—CBS used Moses as apregame/halftime/postgame studio guy for Game 4 of the ’86 Finals, anawesomegameovershadowedbyCBS’decisionthatitwouldbeagoodideaforMoses to speak extemporaneously on live TV. Teamed with Musburger andJuliusErving(noslouchhimselfintheHorribleTVGuydepartment),Doccameoff like a cross between Eddie Murphy and abolitionist Frederick DouglasscomparedtoMoses.It’shardtofigureoutwhatCBSwasthinkinghere.Imean,it’s not likeMoseswas gettingmore articulate as the years passed—wewereonlythreeyearsremovedfromhis“Fofofo”predictionforthe’83Playoffsandhisnicknamewithintheleaguewas“Mumbles”Malone.ThemoreI’mthinkingaboutit,IwonderifsomeoneatCBS

lostabet—asin“okay,ifyouwin,I’llpayforourgolftriptoScotland,butifIwin,youhavetouseMosesMaloneasaTVguyforaFinalsgame.”Thathadtobewhathappened,right?Whatever thereason, thiswas theonlyNBAtelecasteverthatneededclosedcaptioning.61

Magic Johnson (’92–’97). NBC signed Magic right after he retired and itseemedlikealayup.NobodywasmorepersonableorlikablethanMagic,right?Thenthetelecastsstarted.Magicgiggledduringplayswithoutprovocation,keptinterruptingMarvAlbertandMikeFratello,andtiedeveryplayorstorylineintosomething that had happened while he was playing for the Lakers. You alsocouldn’treallyunderstandhimbecause,forwhateverreason,italwayssoundedlike he was eating a ham sandwich. Of course, I loved havingMagic aroundbecausehewaslikeanever-endingSNLskit.TheKnickswouldtaketheleadona Ewing shot, then the Bulls and Jordan would answer with a basket, andsuddenlyMagicwould start screaming, “Patrickwas down on his end sayin’,‘I’mgonnawinthisgame’andMichaelcamebackdownandsaid,‘Uh-uh,bigfella, you ain’t winnin’ on my court!’” 62 There was something undeniablyentertainingaboutlisteningtoMagicprovidecolorforgames,thesamewayit’sentertainingwhenyouseeapedestriantriponthesidewalkorabuddypukeallover himself at a bachelor party.WhenNBCmercifullymovedMagic to thestudio,itwasn’tthesame;hewasjustannoyingandhadnothingtosay.What’sstrange is thatMagicwent away for awhile, returned onTNTand developedintoadecentsidekickforKennyandCharles.Ihavenorationalexplanationforthis.None.

Julius Erving (’97).Hands down, the worst studio analyst of all time. Andthat’s a strong statement. Only two years before, Joe Montana appeared onNBC’sNFLshowandmayhavebeendeadforallweknew.Irememberwaitingfor Jonathan Silverman and AndrewMcCarthy to jump in right before everycommercial andwheelMontana’s corpse out of theTV frame. Still, itwasn’tsurprising thatMontana stank—wedidn’t likehim for his personality, just forbanging hot blondes and winning Super Bowls. It’s not like our expectationswere high. ButDocwas one of the fewNBA stars to successfully strike thatdelicate balance between “articulate spokesman and ambassador” and “slickdudewholivesfordunkingonheads.”ItwasincomprehensiblethatDocwould

suckonTV.Seeinghimstammerawkwardlyontheair,saynonsensicalthingslike “Great players make great plays” and perform the deer-in-the-headlightsroutine was a little disarming. Every time the camera homed in on him, youcouldactuallyfeelthetensioninthestudio.Itwastangible.BeforeoneHouston-Utahplayoffgame,Docmadehistorybypredicting,“IthinkthekeyforHoustonwillbewhenHakeemgetstheball,howfasthedecidestoeithershoot,dribble,or pass.” That’s an actual quote. I remember my old roommate Geoff and Ispending the next fifteen minutes trying to determine what other optionsHakeemcouldpossiblyhavehadonabasketball court,ultimatelydecidingonthese:(a)turntheballover,(b)calltimeout,(c)passout,(d)shitonhimself,or(e)dropdead. Itwasanunforgettablemoment,asevidencedby the fact that Icanrememberwherewewerewatchingthegamewhenithappened.PoorDr.J.Somepeoplejustaren’tmeanttobeontelevision.63

IsiahThomas (’98-’00).NBCmade abigdeal about this hiringbecause, youknow, Isiahwas a great player, whichmeans he’ll be a great TV guy, right?(Whoops, I forgot—there’s no correlation whatsoever.) Well, he didn’t havemuchtosay—whichdidn’tmattermuchbecausepartnerBobCostaswasrustyfromatwenty-two-yearplay-by-playlayoffandtreatedeverygamelikeitwasaradio telecast 64—and you could barely hear Isiah because his meek, high-pitched voice was drowned out by any semiex-cited crowd. When DetroitcannedDougCollinsmidwaythroughtheseason,NBCsignedhimforathree-manbooth (Costas,Collinsand Isiah),aproblembecauseCollinswas roughlyten thousand timesmore competent than Isiah (even if he suffered fromRickBarry–itis).NowIsiahcouldn’tgetawordinedgewise,andevenifhedid,wecouldn’t hear him.By the time theFinals rolled around, you could practicallyhear thevoiceofNBC’sproducer imploringCollins tokeep includingIsiah inthebroadcast.YouTube65the’98FinalssometimeandwatchhowmanytimesCollinsstartsasentencewithsomethinglike,“AndIsiah,youknowbetterthananyonethatyoucan’tpickupyourdribble”or“Idon’tthinktheJazzcanholdChicago off with Jordan playing like this …” Pause while NBC’s producerscreamsinCollins’ear.“…Right,Isiah?”Holyshit,wasitawkward.Allthingsconsidered, thatmay have been theworst three-man booth ever.NBCmovedIsiahtothestudioforthenexttwoyears,wherehehadnothingtosayandspentmost of the time grinning crazily likeGeneHackman’s right-handman inNoWay Out just before he shoots himself. But everything paid off during thepostgame celebration for the 2000 Finals: PeterVecsey capped a classic two-

month, I-don’t-give-a-shit-if-you-fire-me run where he tookmore cheap shotsthanClaudeLemieuxbytotallyblindsidingpoorIsiah,randomlytellinghimonliveTVastheywererecappingeverything,

“AndIjustfoundoutthatyou’rethenextPacerscoach!”PoorIsiahdidn’tknowwhattodo;hehadn’tevenlookedasflusteredafterBirdstoletheballfromhiminthe’87Playoffs.ThebestpartwasVecseystandingtherewithadefiantsmirkwhile Isiah stuttered and stammered in front of a national TV audience.Phenomenalstuff.ItmadetheentirelousyIsiah-on-TVeraworthit.66

(Unfortunately, itwised up the network executives for good.Not only didweneverseeVecseyonnetworkTVagain,we’veneverseenanotherNBALegendTurnedHorribleTV

Personality—although there’s always a chance ABCwill be dumb enough tohireShaqwhenhefinallyretires.Ihavemyfingerscrossed.)

1975–76:THEDUNKCONTEST

Two unforgettable moments stood out during a chaotic season that featuredKareem’s trade to Los Angeles, two commissioner hirings, two NBA highschoolersignings, threeABAteamsfolding,abitter legal fightbetweenPhillyandNewYorkoverGeorgeMcGinnis,andthethreatofamergerhangingovereverything: theworld-renowned triple-OTgame (Phoenix-Boston), andanow-legendary ABA Slam Dunk Contest that put David Thompson on the map,turnedDocintoademigodandlaidthegroundworkforthecreationofNBAAll-StarWeekend.Ifyoucouldpickoneimagethatdefinedeachleaguefrom1970to1976,you’dpickCowensskiddingacrossthefloorinthe’74FinalsandDocdunkingfromthefoullineintheDunkContest.Oneleagueplayedwithpassionand did all the little things, while the other league embraced the schoolyardelementsofthegame,butineitherclipyou’llseefansjumpingoutoftheirseats.Still,basketballpuristsdiscountedtheABAbecausenobodyplayeddefenseandeveryonewentfortheirownstats,sothefactthattheleague’ssignaturemomenthappenedinaDunkContestwasn’thelpingmatters.

Doc’s foul-line dunk had to be the most exhilarating basketball moment thatdidn’thappen inanactualgame.Forone thing,nobodyhadseenoneof thesecontests before, so they didn’t know what to expect; once the dunks startedcoming, the fanswere like thirteen-year-old boys looking at porn for the firsttime,almostoverwhelmedbythesightofeverything.Youhadthedecade’smostmemorableplayerfacingoffagainstaprecociousupstart,withThompsongoingrightbeforeDoc,firingupthecrowdwithasuperbdoublepump,andfinishingwithanincomprehensible-at-the-time360,playingtheroleofthetalentedyoungbandthat’stoogoodtobeawarm-upband.(ThinkSpringsteenopeningfortheStonesin’75.)YouhadDocdramaticallymeasuringhisstepsfromonebaskettoanother as the crowd shuffled in anticipation andwonderedwhat the heck hewasdoing,finallyrealizing,“Waitasecond, ishegoingtodunkfromthefoulline?” Then you had the dunk itself: Erving loping toward the basket andexplodingfromthefoulline,hisoversizedhandmakingthebasketballlooklikeagolfball,carryingandcarryingandfinally tomahawking theball throughthebasket as everyone lost their collective shit. Doc’s dunk stands alone fororiginality pent-up drama, sheer significance and lasting impact, even if hescrewedupbynotsaving thatdunkfor last.Rightguy, rightplace, right time,rightmoment.Basketballwasstarting togoup—literally—and itwasn’tabadthing.67

SUMMEROF1976:THEMERGER

ThisgetsmyGreatestSummerEvervote:ourtwohundredthIndependenceDay,the release ofJaws, theMontrealOlympics, the fictional graduationofRandy“Pink”Floyd’sclassatLeeHighSchoolandtheABA-NBAmergerinthespanofthreemonths?Comeon.ThemergerprocesswasgivenajoltwhentheABAhiredadick-swingingantitrustattorneynamedFredFruth,whohadsomeworld-classnegotiatingsessionswith theNBA’sbrightassistantcommissioner—waitforit

…waitforit—Mr.DavidStern!68Here’swhattheysettled,withmycommentsinparentheses:

1.Denver,NewYork,SanAntonioandIndianajoinedforacostof$3.2millionper team.Those teamswouldnot receiveTVmoneyfor threeyears,couldnottakepartinthe’76

collegedraftandwouldbecalled“expansionteams,”buttheywereallowedtokeep their players.TheNets also had to pay theKnicks $4.8million over tenyearsforviolatingtheir territoryrights.(Mythoughts:Abitofarapingsofar,although it’s nice that theKnicksgot evenmoremoney to throwawayat badplayers.MybiggestissuewastheNBAexcludingABAteamsfromadeep’76rookiedraftinwhichJohnnyDavis(numbertwenty-two),AlexEnglish(numbertwenty-three), Lonnie Shelton (number twenty-five) and Dennis Johnson(numbertwenty-nine)droppedtoRound2.ShowshowlittleleveragetheABAhadatthetime.)

2.KentuckyownerJohnY.Brownreceived$3millionforfoldinghisfranchise,thenspenthalf thatmoney tobuyBuffalo.So the fourABAteams that joinedthe NBA got crushed financially, but Brown bought in and pocketed $1.5million?Huh?Meanwhile,theSt.Louisownersstruckthegreatestmotherlodeinprofessionalsportshistory,foldingtheirshittyfranchisefor$2.2millionandone-seventhoftheTVmoneyfromthefourremainingABAteams—moneytheywereguaranteedinperpetuity.Inotherwords,theyreceivedfour-seventhsofacut of the TV contract every year forever.Through 2009, that cut wasworthabout$150million.Justfreemoneyfallingoutofthesky,yearafteryearafteryear after year. 69(My thoughts: TheNets won two titles withDoc, only theleague’ssignatureplayerandabigreasonforthemerger,thengotshaftedtothedegree that they sold Doc before the ’77 season just to keep their franchiseafloat.TheSpiritshada terrible team thatwouldhave foldedanyway—nofansupport,noassetsthatremotelycomparedtoDoc,noappealasanNBAmarketwhatsoever—andtheysomehowfinagledadealthatwasahundredtimesbetterthanNewJersey’sdeal.Gofigure.)

3. Players from foldedABA franchiseswould be auctioned off in a dispersaldraft,withprice tags assigned to eachplayer andChicagoguaranteed the firstpick (so they could take Artis Gilmore). The remaining picks were made inreverseorder of finishduring the ’76 season,withAtlanta trading thenumbertwo pick to Portland for Geoff Petrie, then Portland landing the two biggestprizes(MauriceLucasatnumbertwoandMosesatnumberfive).70

Also, Detroit paid a whopping $500,000 for Marvin Barnes in an apparent

attempt to get BobLanier to hang himself. (My thoughts: In the Things ThatWouldHaveBeenMuchMoreFun ifTheyHappenedNowdepartment, can’tyouseeESPNtelevisingtheABAdispersaldraftatlike2:00p.m.onaTuesdayafternoon asRicBucher breaks thePortland/Atlanta trade,ChadFord lamentsthe lack of European players and Jay Bilas spends ten minutes raving aboutMalone’sreboundingskillsand“secondjump-ability”?

Alas.)

4.TheNBAagreedtoabolishthereserveclauseandallowfreeagencyforanyveteran player with an expiring contract. This was the single biggest stickingpoint—theownerswantedcompensation,theplayersdidnot—anditcouldhavedragged on for another few years if not for a brainstorm by NBA PlayersAssociation head Jeff Mullins: give the owners compensation for four yearsbecausethat’showlongitwouldhavetakenforthecasetoreachtheSupremeCourt, anyway. Everyone agreed and that was that. Compensation would beawardedbyO’Brien’sofficeaslongasthetwoteamsinvolveddidn’tagreefirst.(My thoughts:Thiswas the single biggestNBAmoment since the shot clock.Everythingaboutthewayplayerswerepaidandcontenderswerebuiltwasabouttochange.Forgoodandbad.Andforthefirstfewyears,itwasmostlybad.)

What ensued was the single zaniest summer of player movement in NBAhistory. Chicago and Houston reinvented themselves with franchise centers(GilmoreandMalone).Portland landedareboundingsidekickforWalton.TheNetssoldDoctoPhillyfor$3millionandtradedBrianTaylorwithtwonumberone picks for Tiny Archibald.71 Philly suddenly had the ’75 ABA co-MVPs(Doc andMcGinnis) on the same team.Moses bounced around twice beforelandinginHouston.PortlandstupidlytradedMosestoBuffaloforanumberonepick;BuffaloreroutedhimtoHoustonfortwofirst-roundersjustsixdayslater.TheKnicks boughtMcAdoo fromBuffalo and lavished himwith a five-year,$2.5milliondeal,killinghis incentive togiveashituntil1982.GailGoodrichbecame the Jackie Robinson of free agency, inadvertently murderingprofessionalbasketballinNewOrleansfortwosoliddecades(holdthatthought).RedAuerbachrefusedtopayPaulSilasmarketvalue,shippedhimtoDenverforCurtis Rowe, then bought SidneyWicks from Portland (and murdered CelticPride in the process). None of the top five teams from ’76 (Golden State,Phoenix, Boston, L.A., Cleveland) improved itself in any conceivable way.

Throwintheriseofcocaine,freeagency,andescalatingsalariesandyouneedtogetemotionallypreparedfortheweirdestthree-yearstretchinNBAhistory.

1976–77:THECANNONBALL

Braceyourself: thismightbetheonlytimeinsportshistorythataprofessionalsportsleaguedidn’texpandenough.TheNBAjumpedfromeighteenfranchisestotwenty-twobutaddedtwenty-eightqualityplayerstoitstalentpool,includingfour franchise guys (Erving, Gervin, Gilmore and Thompson) and a potentialfranchiseguy(Moses).72Throwina loadeddraftclass(JohnLucas,Dantley,English,DJ,Parish,MitchKupchak,WalterDavis…)andthereweretwoqualitynewcomers for every franchise. Suddenlywe had teams strugglingwith alphadog battles (McAdoo-Haywood, Erving-McGinnis, Barnes-Lanier) andcontrastingstyles(old-schoolversusplayground),certainteamsquicklygellinginto contenders (Portland,Denver) or falling off (Boston, Phoenix,Cleveland,G-State),andfansalternatelydelightedbytheABA’sinfusionofathleticismandappalled by high-priced guys playing so selfishly. And if that’s not enough,cocaineandfreebasingweretakingtheleaguebystorm.Again,silliestyearever—likemixingupeveryone’sMadden rosters, restartinga franchise seasonandrandomlygivingdrugproblemsto25

percentoftheplayers.Eventherecordsboreoutthechaos:noteamwonmorethan52gamesandonlyonelostmorethan28(theNets).Meanwhile,the“ABAwasaqualityleague”argumentgainedsteamwhenninealumnibecame’77All-Starsandfiveplayedprominentrolesinthe’77

Finals.TheinfusionofABAbloodmadetheleaguefaster,deeper,andinfinitelymore athletic; other thanBillWalton, the league’smost thrilling playerswereABAguys (Doc, Ice,ThompsonandMoses).Thedaysof apotbelliedNelsonlogging big minutes in the Finals were long gone, personified by Phoenixreturningeverykeyplayerandfinishing34–48.Still,itwasanupheavalofsorts.Likewatchingthewaterinapoolthrashingaroundafteracannonball.

Thewaterkeptsplashingthefollowingsummer,whenelevenofthetopeighteen

draftpicksswitchedbytradeandtwowererepackagedasecondtime.Tradingpicks was a relatively recent trend; as late as 1971, everyone picked in theirspots and thatwas that.All hell broke loose in 1977,with two trades nettingMilwaukee the first, third and twelfthpicks in a superbdraft—and, of course,theybotchedtwoofthem(KentBensonandErnieGrunfeld,backinthehalycondayswhenteamscouldwastetwotop-twelvepicksonslowwhiteguyswithoutgettingcreamedontheInternetandtalkradio).Still,theywerethefirstteamtosay, “We’regoing to rebuildwithmultiplepicks,” a relativelyboldmove inaleaguewherenearly every franchisewas losingmoneyandworrying about itsprecarious relationship with fans.73 We also had our first full-fledged freeagencysummer in1977,withJamaalWilkes (Lakers),GusWilliams(Seattle),TruckRobinson(NewOrleans),BobbyDandridge(Washington),JimCleamons(NewYork) and E. C. Coleman (G-State) switching teams. 74Usually teamsbangedoutcompensationthemselves,withthemostfamousexamplehappeningin ’79,whenBostonsignedDetroit’sM.L.Carrand itballooned intoa largerdeal:CarrandtwofuturenumberonepicksforMcAdoo(usedtolandParishandMcHale a year later).WhenSanDiego signedWalton that same summer, theteams couldn’t agree and left it up to the league. The wackiest free agenttransactionwillalwaysbe the ’79Clippers signingBrianTaylor fromDenver,thengivinguptwosecond-roundpicks,fourkilosofcocaineandtheirbestdrugconnectionascompensation.75

Despite unprecedented upheaval, our first postcannonball Finals (Portland-Philly)made everyone happy:CBS (highest-rated Finals ever), theNBA (BillWalton,backingupthe“greatwhitehope”

hype),BrentMusburger(whonicknamedWalton“MountainMan”andtriedtobecometheCoselltohisAli),basketballpurists(delightedthatPortland“saved”theleague),andvirulentracists(whoenjoyedthewaythisserieswas“analyzed”bymainstreammedia). The Sixers were painted as a disorganized schoolyardteam,aproductoftheABAandits“lookatme”culture,justabunchofhigh-pricedblackswhodidn’tcareaboutmakingeachotherbetter.Theyhadplayerswith nicknames like “Jellybean”76 and “World,” their layup lines were morefamous than any of theirwins, and because everyonewas out for themselves,Docwasunfairlyconsideredtobemoresizzlethansteak.Bycontrast,Portlandplayed like Russell’s old Celtics teams and thrived on fast breaks and ballmovement, with everything hinging on Walton’s once-in-a-generation skills.

Theystartedthreewhiteguys,theirbestplayerhadredhairandtheirpointguardhad a crew cut.Their deliriously happy fans filled a 12,666-seat bandbox andmadeeverygamesoundlikeamid-sixtiesBeatlesconcert.Eventheirroughbutlovable bald coach barked out orders and looked like he should have beenrunningoneof thoseDeadPoets Society--typeboarding schools.Sowhen theBlazers swept theLakers, then ralliedback froma two-games-to-none leadbywinningthenextfourfromPhilly,theydefeatedtheNBA’stwobiggestquote-unquoteproblemsinonefeltswoop:Kareem(thesurliestofsuperstars,someonewho had just worn everyone out) and the overtly prejudiced belief thatundisciplined, overpaid black guys reallywere ruining the game. That’s whyPortland’s“quest”tosavebasketballmadeforratingsmagic.AslongasWaltonandtheBlazerswerekickingsomeselfishblackass,theaveragewhitesportsfanwouldpayattentiontotheNBA.(Andif theBlazersdidn’tkeepkickingsomeselfishblackass?ThentheNBAwasintrouble.)77

1977–78:THEBLOWNTIRE

If ’77was theNBA’s craziest season, then the ’78 season had to be itsmostdamaging.Let’sranktheproblemsinorderofleastharmfultomostharmful.

Crisis no. 1: the drive-by shooting of the Blazers.Waltonwent downwithPortland sporting a 50–10 record and generating buzz that they might be thegreatest team ever. In one felt swoop, the NBA lost its signature team, mostvisiblewhitestar,mostcompellingstorylineandmostentertainingteamnotjustfor’78but’79and’80,too.ImagineJordanbreakinghisfootduringChicago’s72-win season anddisappearing for thenext threeyears.Howdoes thatHeat-SonicsFinals in ’96grabyou?Or consecutive Indiana-UtahFinals in ’97 and’98?Gettheidea?Walton’sinjurywaspracticallyadeathblowuntilLarryandMagicshowedup.78

Crisisno.2:cocaine.Everywhereatthispoint…andnobodyknewitwasbadyet.Idon’tneedtospell itoutforyou.JustwatchBoogieNights.Youshould,

anyway.Imadetenreferencestoitalreadyandcouldeasilygoforthirtymore.Justrentit.It’sarealfilm,Jack.

Crisisno. 3: consecutiveBullets-Sonics concussions.Doyou realize the ’78and’79FinalsweretheonlyNBAFinalsofthepasthalfcenturythatdidn’thavea recognizable superstar or big-market team? The ’78 Finals stretched overeighteenagonizingdays toaccommodateCBS;UnseldwonFinalsMVPandabrand-newcar,althoughtheceremonywasmarredwhenthedistraughtheadofCBSasked ifhecouldborrowUnseld’s car tokill himself in it.Thebad luckextendedbeyondWaltongoingdown:theleaguebarelymissedoutonaSixers-NuggetsFinalsin

’78(“ThompsonversustheDoctor!”)andathoroughlyentertainingSpurs-SunsFinalsin’79

(“Davis and Westphal take on the Iceman!”). If Stern had been running theleague in ’78 and ’79, youmight have seen that decade’s equivalent of DickBavettaorBennettSalvatorereffingafewofthosepivotalSpurs-Bullets,Sixers-BulletsandNuggets-Sonicsgames.Andyouknowit’strue.79

Crisis no. 4: the CBS problem. A heated contract negotiation that springresultedinafour-year,

$74milliondealthatthenetworktriedtobackoutofevenasitwassigningit.Aspart of the deal (andwe’re using thatword loosely),CBSwasgiven carteblanchetorunplayoffgamesontapedelay,tinkerwithplayoffdates/timesandscale back on the number of Sunday telecasts. And cable TV hadn’t beeninventedyet.Yikes.

Crisisno.5:fighting.Fightinghadalwaysbeenconsideredpartofbasketball,an inevitableoutcomeofaphysical sport (much likehockey).WillisReedputhimself on themap by cleaning out the ’67 Lakers.Maurice Lucasmade hisreputationbydroppingGilmore.DennisAwtreylastedtenyearsbecausehewasthe Guy Who Once Decked Kareem. Ricky Sobers turned around the ’76

Warriors-Suns series by sockingBarry.CalvinMurphy had the league’smostfamous Napoleon complex, frequently beating up bigger guys and scoring aknockoutoversix-foot-nineSidneyWicks.SowhentheBlazersandSixershadtheiruglybrawlinGame2ofthe’77Finals,nobodywasreallythatappalled.Itstarted when Darryl Dawkins tried to sucker-punch Bobby Gross (hittingteammate Doug Collins instead), then backpedaled right into a flying elbowfrom Lucas, 80 followed by the two of them squaring off like 1920s bare-knuckle boxers before everyone jumped in. After getting ejected, Dawkinscouldn’tcalmdownandendedupdestroyinga few toilets in thePhilly lockerroom.Was anyone suspended?Of course not!Not to sound likeGrumpyOldEditor,but that’s theway itworked in the seventies andwe loved it!Portlandswept the last four games and everyone agreed afterward that Lucas’ flyingelbowwas the turningpointof theseries. Itwas theperfectNBAfight for thetimes—noinjuries,tremendousTVandavaluablelessonlearnedaboutstickingupforyourteammates.81

Fast-forward to October: Sports Illustrated revolves its NBA preview issuearound “the Enforcers,” sticking Lucas’ menacing mug on the cover andglorifyingphysicalplayersinapictorialominouslytitled“Nobody,butNobody,IsGonnaHurtMyTeammates.” In retrospect, it’s an incrediblepiece to read;themagazinetookintimidating-lookingpicturesofeachenforcerliketheywereWWFwrestlers,withKermitWashington (gulp) posing shirtless like a boxer.Each picture was accompanied with text to make these bruisers sound like acombination of Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson. An example: “KermitWashington,the6’8”,230-poundLakerstrongman,isanicequietpersonwholifts weights and sometimes separates people’s heads from their shoulders. Inonememorable game last November in Buffalo,Washington ended an elbowskirmishwithJohnShumatebydroppingthe6’9”forwardwithaflurryofhooksandhaymakers.

‘Shumatecameapartinsections,’aneyewitnesssaid.”

Wow, punching people never sounded so cool! Since SI was the influentialsportsvoiceatthetime—remember,wedidn’thaveESPN,USAToday,cableortheInternetyet—thetoneofthatissuecoupledwithkudosgiventoMurphyand

Lucasthepreviousseasonmayhaveinspiredtheviolentincidentsthatfollowed.Lucaswasavaluableplayerwhowasn’tgoodenoughtocommandanSIcoverunless it was for something else … you know, like beating the shit out ofsomeone.Was itokay topunchotherplayers in the face?According toSportsIllustrated,actually,itwas.Aslongasyouhadagoodreason.

Fast-forward to opening night: Kent Benson sneaks a cheap elbow intoKareem’sstomach,doublingKareemoverandsendinghimwobblingawayfromtheplayinobviouspain.AnenragedKareemregroupsandchargesBensonfrombehind,sucker-punchinghimandbreakinghisjaw.82

UnlikeotheruglyNBAeventsfromthepast,thisonehadablack-guy-decking-a-white-guy clipplayingon every local newscast around the country,with theblackguydoublingastheleague’ssignatureplayeroftheseventies.Uh-oh.TheleaguedecidesagainstsuspendingKareem,deemingitpunishmentenoughthathe’smissingtwomonthswithabrokenhandfromthepunch.

Fast-forwardtoDecember:KermitgetsbeltedbyHouston’sKevinKunnertaftera free throw and they start fighting. Kareem jumps in to hold Kunnert back,KermitnailsKunnert(whoslumpsoverholdinghisface),83thenKermitwhirlsaround, sees Rudy Tomjanovich running toward him and throwswhat Lakersassistant Jack McKinney later called “the greatest punch in the history ofmankind,”breakingRudy’sfaceonimpactandhisskullafteritslammedoffthefloor.Kareemlaterdescribedthepunchassoundinglikesomebodyhaddroppedamelon onto a concrete floor. Rudy rolled over, grabbed his face, kicked hislegsandbledalloverthecourtaseveryonewatchedinhorror.Thefinaldamage:twoweeksinintensivecare,abrokenjaw,abrokennose,afracturedfaceandaskullcrackedsobadlythatRudycouldtastespinalfluiddrippingintohismouth.

Four forces were working against Kermit other than, you know, the fact henearly killed another player.WithKareem’s haymaker happening twomonthsearlier,thecombinationofthosepunchesspawnedduelingepidemicsof“NBAViolenceIsOutofControl!”headlinesandeditorials(witheveryoneforgettingthatSIhadglorifiedthatsameviolencetenweeksearlier)and“WhydoIwantto

followaleaguethatallowsblackguystokeepkickingthecrapoutofwhiteguyswhenI’mawhiteguy?”doubts(theunderlyingconcernthatnobodymentionedoutloudunlessyouweresittingintheclubhouseofacountryclub,aswellasthesubplotthatscaredthelivingshitoutofCBSandtheowners).Second,theonlyexisting replaymadeKermit seem like an unprovokedmadman out for whiteblood,butthecamerasmissedKunnert’sinitialelbowandtherestoftheirfight,catchingtheactiononlyafterKunnertwassinkingintoKareem’sarmsandRudywasrunningatKermit.Third,SaturdayNightLivemadelightoftheincidenton“WeekendUpdate,”

showingthepunchoverandoveragainforagagandgivingitnewlife.84Andfourth,withTV

ratings faltering, attendance dropping and the league battling the “too manywhite fans, toomanyblackplayers” issue, really, youcouldn’t have asked forworse timing. It was a best/worst extreme—the most destructive punch everthrownonabasketballcourt,theperfectspecimentothrowsuchapunch,85theworstresultpossible,theworstpossibletiming(CBS’contractwasupaftertheseason)andtheworstpossiblecolorcombination(ablackguydeckingawhiteguy).Kermitwassuspendedforsixtydayswithoutpay—nohearing,noappeal,nothing—losingnearly

$54,000insalaryandbecomingPublicEnemyNo.1.(Thiswentwellbeyondafewdeaththreats.AfterKermitreturnedfromthesuspension,policeadvisedhimagainstorderinghotelroomservicebecausetheyworriedsomeonewouldpoisonhim.)AndRudyeventuallysuedtheleaguefor$3

million, with his laywers portraying Kermit as a vicious Rottweiler who hadbeenallowedoffhis leashbyneglectfulowners.Nothinggoodcamefromthisincident.Nothing.

TheLakerscoldlytradedKermitduringhissuspension,shippinghimtoBostonformyfavoriteCelticatthetime,CharlieScott.DarkdayintheAbdul-Simmonshouse. I rememberattendingmy firstKermit/Celticsgame, seekinghimout inwarm-ups, finding him, and thinking, “That’s him, that’s the guy,” thenwatchinghim fearfully likehewas likeMichaelMyersor something.Hemayhave been the league’s first pariah. But Kermit won Boston fans over

immediately. Here was this tragic, forlorn figure carrying himself withundeniabledignity, attacking theboardswith relentless fury, injecting life intoCowens like nobody had since Silas, throwing every repressed emotion intothesegames.SometimeswhentheGardenwasquiet—andthathappeneda lot,sinceweonlywon32gamesandfanswerefleeingindroves—youcouldevenhearKermitgruntwhenhegrabbedaballboard:uhhhhhhhhh.Kermitaveraged11.8points,10.5reboundsand52percentshootinginjusttwenty-sevenminutespergame.Bytheendoftheseason,KermithadbecomemyfavoriteCelticandIwasconvincedthatRudy’sfacehadattackedKermit’sfist.

Of course,we traded him that summer.Go figure.86Hemoved toSanDiegoand then Portland, where Blazer fans embraced him the way the Boston fanshad.WhenHalberstamwrote beautifully about him a few years later—really,one of the great character profiles everwritten of an athlete—Kermit evolvedintosomethingofavictim,culminatinginJohnFeinsteinwritinganentirebookaboutthepunchin2002.87MaybeRudywasinthewrongplaceatthewrongtime, but so was Kermit. Like hundreds of NBA players before him, Kermitthrewanangrypunchwithmean-spiritedintentions…onlythisoneconnected.He became the league’s Hannibal Lecter, the guy who threw The Punch andnearlykilledsomeone.TheNBAtookviolencemoreseriouslyafterthat,makingfightingejectionsmandatoryandhandingout longer suspensions,although it’sturned into somewhat of an urban legend that Kermit’s punch changedeverything. The league didn’t make a concerted effort to shed fightingcompletelyuntilanuglyKnicks-Bullsbrawlinthe

’94Playoffs spilled into the standswithahorrifiedDavidStern inattendance.Thatwasthetippingpoint,notKermit’spunch.

1978–79:LIFESUPPORT

Here’swhere theperception that theNBAwas in trouble tookhold, thanks totape-delayedplayoffgames,decliningattendance,starplayersmailingingames,Walton’s continued absence, Buffalo’s move to San Diego, Erving’sdisappointing play in Philly, a 75:25 black-to-white ratio and something of a

smearcampaignfromvariousnewspapercolumnistsandevenSportsIllustrated.Since sports fans in 1978 and 1979 took their cue from SI, everyone wasthinkingthesamething:“TheNBAisintrouble.”Evenifitwasn’tnecessarilytrue.WithBostonalreadyowningBird’sdraftrights,IndianaState’sundefeated’79 season assumed greater significance for NBA fans as it unfolded. BirdloomedasthepotentialsaviorofaflounderingCelticsfranchise,andwhenBirdbattledMagic’sMichiganState squad in the 1979NCAAFinals, that boostedMagic’s profile to savior status as well. By sheer coincidence, two of theleague’sthreebiggestmarkets(L.A.andChicago)controlledthefirsttwopicksin the ’79 draft. The Lakers won the coin toss and Magic, while Chicago’sensuingtailspinendedwithJordansavingthemfiveyearslater.ThrowinBostonsigningBirdandeveryonewins!88Withinayear,BirdsavedtheCeltics,MagicgaveKareemapulseforthefirsttimeinfiveyears,PhillyfinallybuilttherightcastofroleplayersaroundDoc,allthreeteamswon60-plusgamesandmadetheConferenceFinalsandMagicputhimselfonthemapwiththeclinchinggameoftheFinals.

A bigger savior was coming that summer: cable. Just weeks after the NBAsignedathree-year,

$1.5milliondealwiththeUSANetworkforThursdaynightdoubleheadersandearlyroundplayoffgames,ESPNlaunchedthefirst-evertwenty-four-hoursportsnetworkonSeptember7,1979,paving thewayforSportsCenter, fun-to-watchhighlights, and an eventual competitor for the league’s cable rights. Youcouldn’t find better advertising than slickly packaged game summaries thatfeatured every exciting dunk, pass, and big shot and left out all the unseemlystuff. (You know, like fistfights, empty seats, utter indifference, and playersjoggingaroundandlookingspentforthewrongreasons.)Fortherecord,DavidSternbelievesthearrivalofESPNandcableTVhadmoretodowithsavingtheNBAthanBirdandMagic,althoughhefeelslikethewhole

“saving”parthasbeentotallyoverblown.89Whichitprobablywas.Remember,theDallasMavericksjoinedin1980–81foracoolexpansionfeeof$12million,finishing15–67thatseasonandspawningcountless“Yeesh,maybetheyshouldhavehadJ.R.Ewingcoachtheteam”jokesthatwerehystericallyfunnytwenty-eightyearsago.Howbadcouldthingshavebeenifrichguyswerethrowingout$12millioncheckstojointheNBA?

Still, here’s how much the NBA/CBS relationship had deteriorated: DespitebeinggiventwoappealingConferenceFinalsin1980(Boston-PhillyandL.A.-Phoenix),CBS showedonly threegames live, broadcast another three on tapedelay and completely ignored the other four (including a pivotal Game 4 inPhoenix).90WhentheylandedKareem,MagicandDocintheFinals,theymadetheLakersandSixersplayGames3and4back-to-backonaSaturday/Sunday,thengaveaffiliatestheoptionofairingGame6(apotentialclincher)eitherliveor on tape delay at eleven-thirty at night. Since it was a Friday during Maysweeps,nearlyeveryaffiliateoptedforrerunsofTheIncredibleHulk,TheDukesofHazzardandDallas,withonlythePhilly,L.A.,PortlandandSeattlemarketscarrying the game live. Thatmeant one of themost famous basketball gamesever played (Magic starting at center in place of an injured Kareem, thencarrying theLakers to the title)happenedwell aftermidnighton tapedelay innearly every American city. Think how many young fans could have beensucked in for life.On the other hand, can you really blame theCBS affiliatesthere? Imean,bothThe IncredibleHulk andDukesofHazzard plusDallas toboot?Thatwasamurderer’s row!Aftera three-minuteGooglingfrenzy, IcanreportthatDallasandDukeswerethetoptwoshowsin1980;Dukeshadabout21millionviewers andDallas had a jaw-dropping27million.Obviously theyweren’tdumpingthoseshowsforanepisodeofTheLeaguewithOverpaidBlackGuysWhoDoDrugs.91That’s just abadbusinessdecision.Soyeah, it stinksthatnobodywatchedMagic’sfamous42-pointgamelive.Butitstinksmorethatthe NBA screwed up by not scheduling that game for Saturday afternoon soeveryonecouldseeit.92

One year later, the unthinkable happened: even though a star-studded affairbetweenPhillyandBostondoubledasthegreatestConferenceFinaleverplayed,CBSairedonlynineofapossiblefourteenFinalFourgames(sixofthosenineweretape-delayed)andshowedfourofthesix’81

Finals games on tape delay (including the clincher). In a related story, thebroadcastofthe’81

Finalswas the lowest-rated in history (6.7)93 and an improbable ’81WesternFinals matchup between the 40–42 Rockets and 40–42 Kings probably made

CBSconsiderthefirst-evertapedelayofatape-delayedtelecast.94Soyes,theNBAneededcable.Badly.

1979–80:THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Doyourealizethatittookthethree-pointlineeightsolidyearstofullyestablishitself?Aquicktimeline:

1980.Theold“dippingthetoesinthewater”mentalitytakeshold.OnlyBrianTaylor (239) andRickBarry (221) attemptmore than 200 threes, only twelveplayersattemptmore than100for theseason,onlyfiveplayers finishatbetterthan38percent,and theaverageNBAgamefeatures fewer thansixattemptedthrees.FortheCeltics,IrememberChrisFordemergingasour

“three-pointthreat”(nailing43percentofthem)andfeelinglikethisrun-of-the-millshootingguardsuddenlyhadrealvalueforus.Everytimehemadeone,thecrowdwentcrazy.Sosomethingwashappening.Wejustweren’tsureyet.

1981.A slight backlash.Mike Bratz leads the league with just 169 attempts;onlyBrianTaylor shootsbetter than34percent (38.3percent tobeexact); theleagueaveragedropsfrom28percentto24.5percent;andattemptedthreesdropto four per game. Bizarre. Although we do have our first signature three: inGame 6 of the Finals,Bird nails a backbreaking three to clinch the title, thencementsitwithajoyousfistpumpthatwasexcitingevenontapedelaywhenIwashalfasleepatone-thirtyinthemorning.

1982.Stillnobodybiting.Onlyfourplayersattemptmore than100threes.Wedid have another signature moment in Game 5 of the Celtics-Bullets series:Frankie Johnson andGeraldHenderson got into a fourth-quarter fight, then apissed-off Johnson drained three treys (including a 30-foot bomb) to push the

game into overtime before Boston prevailed in double OT. That game wastelevised livebyUSA, so it’s the firstdocumented timeanyonewent intoeff-youmodewiththrees.95

1983.Crickets.Onlyfourguysattemptedmorethan100threesandtheleague’saveragewasapaltry24percent.Of the leaderswhoqualified,MikeDunleavyfinished first (34 percent) and Isiah Thomas was second (28 percent), ironicsincehe’stheworstlong-rangeshooterofanymodernpointguard.

1984.There’s a little tractionwhenUtah’sDarrellGriffith leads the league inattempts(252),makes(91)andpercentage(36.1percent).How’sthatforirony?AguynicknamedDr.Dunkensteinwaskeepingthethreealive?

1985.Threesclimbto6.2pergame;theleague’saverageclimbsto28.2percent;fifteenplayersattempt100-plusthrees;fourplayersbreakthe40percentmark;andthethreegains“cool”statuswhenBirdaddsittohisarsenal(making42.7percentanddrainingtwomemorableonesinhis60-pointgame).

1986.Ourlong-awaitedbreakthroughincludes:

1. The first three-point contest atAll-StarWeekend,whichBirdwins handilyafterguaranteeingvictorybeforehand.96

2.TheLegendgettinginspiredbyhistitleandadoptingthethreeasaweapon,rippingoffaten-gamestretchlaterthatmonthinwhichhemade25of34threes.Byseason’send,heledtheleagueinattempts(194)andmakes(82)butfinishedfourthinpercentage(42.3

percent). Beyond that, the Legend becomes the first to use threes as apsychological weapon, draining four in the fourth quarter of Boston’s sweep

overMilwaukee in theConference Finals, thenmaking the ludicrous “dribbleout of the paint, dribble around three guys, find a spot in front of Houston’sbench, and launch anEffYouThree” that nearly caused theGarden’s roof tocave in during the clinchinggameof the ’86Finals. 3.Three-point specialistswere emerging like Craig Hodges (45%), Trent Tucker (44%), Kyle Macy(41%),MichaelCooper(39%)andDaleEllis(36%),guyswhospreadthefloorandopenedthingsupdownlow.

4.Threelegitimatelymemorablethrees:Docbankingabuzzer-beatertobeattheCelticsonnationalTV;DudleyBradleywinningaplayoffgameoverPhillywithanimprobablebuzzer-beater;andJeffMalonemakingthecrazy“chasedownthelooseballandfallingoutofbounds”threethattheyshowedin“TheNBA…It’sFANNNNNtas-tic!”commercialforasolidyear.97

1987. Bingo! Threes climb to nearly 10 per game, the league’s percentageclimbsover30percent,eightplayersattempt200-plusthreesandtwentyattemptat least 1,215 threes. And if Bird made that three to win Game 4 of the ’87Finals,wewouldhavehadourselvesthemostfamousthreeever.Anyway,that’showthethreebecamethethreeeeeeeeeeeeeelItwasaneight-yearprocess.

Oneothertrendopenedupoffenses:apointguardboon.Ofthetwenty-twoNBAteams in 1981, half employed true PGs: Magic Johnson/Norm Nixon, TinyArchibald,MoCheeks,GusWilliams,98Kevin Porter, RickeyGreen, JohnnyDavis,EddieJohnson,MichealRayRichardson,JohnLucasandPhilFord.WithIsiahThomasandJohnnyMoorejoiningthemixthefollowingseason,that’saninordinately high number of true points, isn’t it?Nowonder scoring and fieldgoalpercentageskeptgoingup.The’78teamsaveraged108.5pointsand46.9percentshooting;by’84,thosenumbershadrisento110.1and49.1percent(andthose numbers would have been higher if everyone wasn’t jacking up badthrees).The days of the ’77Lakers nearlymaking the Finalswithout a singleball handlerwere over, and if you ever see any of thosePhilly-Boston gamesfrom1981,watchTinyandCheeksputonanabsoluteclinic—justtwoguyswhoknew how to run fast breaks, handle the ball, bang home 15-footers andpenetratewhenevertheyneededtopenetrate.Whatapleasure.

1980–81:NOSECANDY

Cocaineusewentfromrecreationaltopotentiallyleague-alteringin1980.WhydoIknowthis?

Becausethefollowingthingshappened:

Duringapracticebeforethe1980Finals,theLakerswerestretchingonthefloorwhenacoked-outSpencerHaywoodsimplypassedout.Hewasexcusedfortherestofthepostseason.Quickly.TheBrokenMirrorstrikesagain!It’samazinghewasn’tonthefloorfortheKermit-Rudypunch.

Utah’s Terry Furlowwas killed in a car accident just one week after the ’80Finals ended. Furlow was driving and his blood had traces of cocaine andValium.Hmmmmmm.99

In August 1980, spurred on by Richard Pryor setting himself on fire in afreebasingaccident,theL.A.Timesreleasedaninvestigativefeatureaboutdrugabusewithin thecelebritycultureandreported thatcocaineandfreebasinghadbecomeaborderlineepidemic in theNBA,with then-AtlantaGMStanKastenestimating thenumberofplayersdabbling indrugsat75percent.Seventy-fivepercent!

WhenSIwroteaboutDavidThompsonbeinghis“oldsoaringself”inNovemberof1980, thepiece includedrepeatedreferences tococainerumors thepreviousseason,withThompsonnotreallydenyingthembytellinganacquaintance,“I’mnotdoinganythingworsethanwhateverybodyelseintheNBAisdoing.”100

Should we have been surprised? Look at what was happening in the lateseventies and early eighties: Widespread coke use had taken off within themusic/movie/television industries, prep schools, discos, nightclubs and everyprofessional sports league, 101 but everyone remembers the NBA strugglingmostbecausewecouldsee theeffects(blearyeyes,skinnybodies,inconsistentandlethargicplay).Thereisn’tamorenakedsportthanbasketball.Nobodycandeny that from1977 to1983, certain stars struggled as they shouldhavebeenpeaking;certainyoungstarsopenlybattledpersonal issues;andcertainveteranstarsactederratically,missedscoresofpractices,burnedthecandleatbothendsand/orhadtheircareersendabruptly.Welearnedtheidentityofsomeof themthanks to drug rehab stints and public admissions—Thompson,Walter Davis,JohnDrew,Richardson,JohnLucas,Barnes,BernardKing,EddieJohnson—andwe’llalwayswonderaboutsomeoftheothers(includingoneoftheera’sbiggeststars, someonewhobecame infamous inNBAcircles for his surreal ability tothrive even after he had used cocaine). Regardless, there were an inordinatenumber of “What the hell happened to him?” and “Why did his careerinexplicablyend?”guysforsuchabrieftimeframe;afterFurlow’sdeathandtheL.A. Times report, it’s hard to figure how two more years passed before thepowersthatbedidanything.102

Some teams traded troubled players instead of helping them. The KnicksdumpedRichardson, theNets dumpedBernard, theHawksdumpedDrew; it’sliketheywantedtogetanythingofvaluebeforethoseguyssnortedthemselvesoutoftheleague.The’81WarriorssuspendedLucasfortheir lasteightgameswhilefightingforaplayoffspot;thenagain,hedidn’tleavethemmuchchoiceafter no-showing six games and missing three team flights and over a dozenpractices.103

WhenDrewfinallysoughthelpin1983,headmittedtotheNewYorkTimesthathe’d been freebasing for three years and snorting cocaine since 1978. You’retellingme his teams didn’t notice?Or that the Lakers didn’t noticeHaywoodsnifflinghisway through the’80season?(Thatsamepiecerevealed thatBuckWilliams,speakingatanawardsdinnerthatyear,hadestimatedthepercentageofNBAplayersusingdrugsas“maybe20or30percent,”addingthatthefigurewasmuchlowerthanhethoughtitwouldbe.Muchlower?Really?)Itturnedout

tobe a fairlywasted era for basketball;maybe it’s good thing everythingwastape-delayed.

What’sthegreatestNBAcoke-erastorythatIcanprint?A1982SIfeatureabouttroubledHawksguardEddieJohnsoncasuallyincludedrevelationsthatAtlantahadplacedhiminapsychiatricfacilityagainsthiswill,thatEddiehadstolenaPorschefromacardealer,thathe’dbeenarrestedforgunpossessionandcocainepossession in separate incidents, and that he’d jumped out of a second-storyapartmentbuildingtoevadedrugdealerswhowereshootingathim.104(Ivotefor Don Cheadle to play Eddie in the movie.) And you know what? That’shonorablemention.We have to give first prize to theBrokenMirror himself,Spencer Haywood. After Paul Westhead suspended him for the ’80 Finals,Haywoodwroteinhis1988autobiographythathehiredaMafiahitmantokillhiscoachbeforechanginghismind.I’malmostpositivethiswouldhavemarredthe Finals. Also, that revelation led to my favorite quote from the coke era:Haywoodrememberinginthebook,“IlefttheForumanddroveoffinmyRollsthatnightthinkingonethought—thatWestheadmustdie.”Iwishthishadbeenmyhighschoolyearbookquote.

(Onepositivethisseason:freeagentcompensationwasreplacedbyrightoffirstrefusal,sowedidn’treallyhavefreeagency,butwekindofdid.Example:L.A.signsMitchKupchak, theBullets agreenot tomatchandWashingtonendsupwithJimChones,BradHollandanda1983

numberonepickfor“notrefusing.”Iliketherightoffirstrefusal;it’sreallytoobad it can’t extend to ex-girlfriends. “Yeah, you can date her, but only if yougivemeyouriPod.”)

1981–82:THEPERILSOFOVERCOACHING

AftereveryonemadeafussaboutBillFitch(NBAtitle)andCottonFitzsimmons(WesternFinals)doingterrificjobsinthe’81Playoffs,theeraofovercoaching

kickedoffwhenSI’ssubsequentNBApreviewcenteredonthesuccessofformercollege coaches in the NBA. 105 Suddenly coaches were franticallydiagramming plays during timeouts, studying tape until the wee hours, hiringmultipleassistantsandpontificatingaboutthesport likeHenryDavidThoreau,culminatinginHubieBrowngettinghiredbytheKnicks(IloveHubie,buthe’stheultimate“hey,lookatme”

coach) and paving the way for Rick Pitino’s $50 million deal in Boston andAvery Johnson employing at least 375 assistants for theMavericks during the2007–8season.Thenewwaveofcoachesmadedefensessophisticatedenoughby1981thattheleaguecreatedan“illegaldefense”

ruletoopenthepaint.Here’showrefereeEdRushexplainedittoSI:“Wewerebecoming a jump-shot league, so we went to the coaches and said, ‘You’vescrewedthegameupwithallyourgreatdefenses.Nowfixit.’Andtheydid.Thenew rule will open up the middle and give the great players room to move.People like Julius Erving and David Thompson who used to beat their owndefensivemanandthenstillhavetopullupforajumpshotbecausetheywerebeingdouble-teamed,shouldhaveanextrafourorfivefeettomovearoundin.Andthat’sallthoseguysneed.”

Nice!Thatexplanationactuallymadesense.Butastheegosofcoachesswelled,so did the egos of players who didn’t feel like getting ordered around. Onefamous youngster battled injuries during his second season and threw up aseries-losingairballinastunningRound1playoffupset.Astheplayerheadedintohisthirdseason,theteam’sownerhandedhimthebiggestcontractinsportshistory: $25million for 25 years.When the team struggled comingout of thegate, theplayer told reporters thathecouldn’tplay forhiscoachanymoreanddemandedtobetraded.Thecoachgotcannedthefollowingday.Nowdisgracedandconsideredaselfishjerk,theyoungplayerwasbooedathomeandbecametheposterboyoftheTooYoung,TooRich,andTooImmatureNBA.Oneofhisteammateswondered,“Ifhegotmadataplayer,wouldtheplayerbegonethenext day?” SI called him a “greedy, petulant and obnoxious 22-year-old” anddecidedhe’s“clearlyagreatplayer.Justasclearly,he’snolongeragreatguy.”

Theplayer?That’sright…Earvin“Magic”Johnson.It’salltrue.

Only after the ’81Playoffsdidpeople start believing that coaches couldworkwonders. I’ve purposely avoided them in this book for the following reason:there’s no concrete evidence that they make a genuine, consistent differenceexcept for a small handful of gifted leaders (Pat Riley, Gregg Popovich, PhilJackson, Chuck Daly, Larry Brown, Jerry Sloan) and forward thinkers (MikeD’Antoni,DonNelson,JackRamsey).PlentyofcoachesunderstandTheSecret;onlyafewcanpassitalongtoplayers;evenfewercankeepTheSecretthrivingwithanytypeofroster.DalyspearheadedthoseterrificBadBoyPistonsteams,failed to find the same successwith two knuckleheads (DerrickColeman andKenny Anderson) in New Jersey, then suffered through the unhappiest ofseasonswithapetulantPennyHardawayon the ’97Magic.Onlyahandfulofcoacheswouldhaveenjoyed the samesuccess thatDalyhadwithDetroit, justlikethesamehandfulwouldhavefailedtoreachColeman,Kenny,andPenny.Whichbringsmebacktomypoint:unlessyou’reteaminganelitecoachwithaquality roster, coaches don’t really matter. You have your top guys—usuallythreeorfourperyear—andeveryoneelserangesbetweenfunctional,overrated,replaceable,incompetent,“myGod,whatatrainwreck,”andVinnyDelNegro.Mostofthemtreadwaterorinflictasmuchdamageasgood.

Lookat thefiringnumbersover thepastdecade:eight to tencoachesget firedeveryyear,nonelastsmorethanthreeorfouryears,andtheremightbethreeorfourqualitycoachesinanygivenseason.DocRiverslost18straightgamesandwona titlewithina sixteen-month span.Hubie finishedwitha recordof424–495 and somehowbecameknown as amemorably good coach in the process.PaulWestphalledtheSunstothe’93Finals;withineightyears,nobodywouldhirehim.KCJonesmadetheFinalsfouroffiveyearsinBoston,tooktwoyearsoff,thenlasted118gamesinSeattle.Wehaveamassedoverwhelmingevidencethatcoachesareexceedinglydispensable—they’reonlyasgoodas their talent,witha limitednumberofexceptions.Occasionally theymightstumble into theright situation, but ultimately, players win titles and coaches lose them. I amgoingtokeeppiningforthereturnoftheplayer-coachifit’sthelastthingIdo.What’s the difference? So it doesn’t work and he gets fired? How is thatdifferent from what happens now?Maybe Red Auerbach knew what he was

doingwithaseven-playplaybook,noassistantsandarolled-upprogram.106

Onemore thing: if you thought coachesweregettingwacky, you shouldhaveseenthenewslewofowners.DonaldSterlingspent$13millionontheClippers,watched the first home game from midcourt with his shirt unbuttoned to hisnavel, then jumped in coachPaulSilas’ arms andkissedhimwhen theywon;withinafewmonths,he’dfailedtomakedeferredpaymentstoplayers,refusedtopayoperatingexpensesandowedoverhalfamillion to theNBA’spensionfund and various creditors. Cleveland’s Ted Stepien overpaid for free agentsScottWedmanandJamesEdwards,lost$5.1millionduringthe’82seasonandtraded away so many number one picks that the Association awarded thefranchisecompensatorypickswhenStepiensoldtheteam.(TheyalsopassedtheStepien Rule—teams weren’t allowed to trade first-rounders in consecutiveyears.HowmanyguyscansaytheyownedanNBAteamandhadarulenamedafterthem?)Philly’sHaroldKatznearlycausedanownerrevoltwhenheofferedMosesathen-recordsix-year,$13milliondealandgaveHoustonanumberonepick andCaldwell Jones so theywouldn’tmatch.107This launched a twenty-five-yearpatternoffranchisesstupidlyoverpayingforplayers,thenwarningtheplayers’ union it had to do something to keep the costs down.How could somanyrichpeoplebesodumb?

1982–83:THECONNECTION

Thiswas theyearwheneveryonerealized,“Hey,maybeweshoulddostuff towinthefansover!”

Thatledtothefollowinginnovationsandbrainstorms:

Feelingfriskyafter inkinganewfour-yeardeal for$93million,CBSunveiledanabnormallycatchyintrothat includedcomputerizedgraphicsofabasketballcourt, BrentMusburger’s orgasmic narration, recaps of previous games and asignaturehum-alongsongthateveryonefrommygenerationimmediatelyloved:

“Dah-da-da-dado-do-dodooodo-do-do-doooo…

(do-do-do-do)… dah-da-da…duhhh duhhhh duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…DAH-DA-DOOO!”

TheNBAcreateditsNBAEntertainmentdivision,whichimmediatelylaunchedan“NBAAction

…It’sFANNNNNN-tastic!” commercial campaign that canonlybedescribedasawatershed.Wait,soyou’retellingmeit’sfuntoattendanNBAgame?DonSperling andhisNBAEcrewkept the first effort relatively simple: just happyeighties music with various shots of cheerleaders, cheering fans and evensomeone holding an I LOVE IT sign, along with action shots of Kareemreaching for a jump ball, Bird’s reverse layup, Magic clapping and Doc’stomahawk jam.Theadspeakedwithina fewyearsandgaveus threeclassics:theonewith“I’mSoExcited”bythePointerSistersthatfeaturedIsiahstompinghis feet and doing a circle, Bernardwinking on the bench and a smoking-hotLaker Girl blowing a kiss at the camera; the parade of buzzer-beaters thatincluded Jeff Malone’s aforementioned three (the greatest for all of eternityunlesssomeonemakesonewiththeirdick);andanOscar-winningsixty-secondclassicthatusedHallandOates’“OneonOne”andfeaturedanumberofprettypasses,JeromeWhiteheadstuffingaTomChambersdunkandJamesWorthy’sgorgeous 360-degree layup in slow motion during the sax solo. 108 I can’temphasizethisstronglyenough:thoseadshadagalvanizingeffectonkidslikemyselfintheeighties—theymadetheNBAseemcool,madeuslookforwardtothenextone,andmadeitseemlikesomethingwashappeningwiththisleague.(Anotethat’stooimportanttobeafootnote:“I’mSoExcited”alsoappearedinanunforgettableMiamiVicetwo-partercalled“ReturnofCalderon,”duringthenightclub brawl in which Crockett and Tubbs thought they found theArgentineanassassin.ThesongplayedinVacationduringthegasstationscenewhenClarkGriswoldflirtedwithChristieBrinkley,aswellasduringacrucialscene inBeverlyHills Cop II.And it anchored theSaved by the Bell episodewhenJessiebecameaddictedtocaffeinepills,leadingtoherfamouslyridiculous

“I’msoexcited…I’msoexcited…I’mso…scared”meltdown.There’satonof hyperbole in this book, but the following statement does not qualify: Noeighties song overachieved from a pop culture standpoint more than “I’m So

Excited.”See?Thatwasimportant.)

3.MarvinGaye’sAll-StarGameanthemdoubledasthebestmomentinAll-Starhistory,handsdown;nothingelsecameclose.Coolestsingeraliveat the time.Thecelebritycapitaloftheworld(L.A.).StarslikeBird,Isiah,Magic,Kareem,Dr. J, Moses, Jack Sikma and Sikma’s blondafroperm looking on. Highexpectationsgoing in.Andeventhougheveryonehadalwayssungthesonginthemosttraditionalwaypossible,Marvinsaunteredoutwithdark,oversized“Imightbecokedup,Imightnot”sunglasses,gavetheanthemhisownlittlespinandabsolutelycrushed it.By the last fourthof thesong, theentireForumwasclapping and swaying like it was the Apollo Theater. That performance willneverbe topped.Rightyear, right sport, right city.Youcouldnothavegottenthat150secondsinanyothersport,youhavetoadmit.109

1983–84:WE’REHERE

Forbetterandworse, theNBAof the twenty-firstcenturywasshaped inwhathas to be considered the single greatest season in the history of professionalsports,oratleastoneofthetopfivehundred.Acloserlookateachmilestone:

Thesalarycap.InMarch’83,theleagueavoidedapossiblelaborstoppagewithanewCBAthatguaranteedplayers53percentofthegrossrevenuesinexchangeforacapthatwentintoeffectthefollowingseason($3.6million,climbingeveryyear after), making players and owners revenue-sharing partners for better orworse. 110 Why did the owners want it? Because it put a lid on escalatingsalaries and gave them (relatively) fixed costs.Why did the players want it?Becauseitforcedeveryteamtospendmoney;thatseason,PhillyandNewYorkwerespendingfivetimesasmuchasthePacers.Astheyearswentalong,thecapbecamemore andmore elaborate and confusing, a luxury tax componentwasadded and Larry Coon became an Internet hero for writing a forty-thousand-wordFAQthatexplainedeveryconceivablecap/taxruleandloophole.111

Coupled with overexpansion (still a few years away), the days of contendersgoingnine-deepwithqualityplayers and two franchiseguyswas almost over.Wejustdidn’tknowityet.

Thedrugpolicy.ThenewCBAagreementmovedtheleagueinto“threestrikesandyou’reout”

mode. The first offense was a suspension with pay and rehab (paid by theleague) as long as the player voluntarily came forward. Same for the secondoffense, although teams were given the option of waiving the player andreplacinghimontheircap.Thethirdstrikewasalifetimeban(reviewableeverytwoyears)regardlessofwhethertheplayercameforwardvoluntarilyornot.112

RichardsonandLucasweretheodds-onfavoritestobebannedfirst,withSugarwinningthesnortrace(hegotkickedoutin1986).113Theimportantthingtoremember:notonlywastheNBAcommittedtocleaningthingsup,fansfeltlikethe leaguehadcommitted itself tocleaning thingsup.Thedaysofbleary-eyedsuperstarsdriftingthroughgameswasalmostover.Atleastuntiltheyswitchedtopotinthenineties.

TheDavidSternera.FittingthathetookoveronFebruary1,1984,onemonthintowhat would become the league’smost important year.We don’t need towastewordsblowingSternhere.Justknowthathe’seither thefirst-orsecond-bestsportscommissionerever(dependingonhowyoufeelaboutPeteRozelle);hewasoverqualifiedforthejob(andstillis);hehadadramaticimpactnotjuston the league itself but also on the NBA’smarketing/entertainment/legal/corporate staffs (havingLarryO’Brien as a bossand thenSternwas like jumping from single-A to themajors); he became thefaceoftheAssociationalmostimmediately(andremember,ithadneverhadonebefore);byDecember’89, the leaguehadinkedfour-yeardealswithNBCandTurnerforacombined$875million;andSternsucceededtothedegreethathewas earning more money than only a handful of players by the end of thedecade.Ifthat’snotenough,heincreasedtheentertainmentlevelofeverydraftfrom1984to2009byapproximately24.7percent.MaybeSterndidn’tmaketheleaguetakeoff,buthewasflyingtheplanemasterfullywhenithappened.

All-StarWeekend.WhenanNBAmarketingadvisernamedRickWeltslobbiedO’Brien to turn theAll-StarGame intoanentireweekend, thecommissioner’sresponsewaspredictablygrumpyandshortsighted.AsWeltsrecalledthreeyearslaterintheNewYorkTimes,“Iwouldn’tsayitgotaringingendorsement.Larrysaid that, number one, it couldn’t cost the league a nickel.We saidwe’d seewhatwecoulddo.”(Note:ifsomeoneeverwritesO’Brien’sautobiography,andreally, theoddsare200 to1, itwoulddefinitelynot havea title likeThinkingAhead or The Visionary.) Welts and his marketing team quickly soldsponsorships for the Dunk Contest and Old-Timers Game, scheduled thoseevents for Saturday in Denver and convinced TBS to televise it. And thensomething weird happened: fans became legitimately excited about the DunkContest,especiallywhenDocagreedtoappearandre-createthemagicfromhisrevered ’76 performance (also in Denver). 114 The Old-Timers Game wassurprisingly fun and loaded with legends (Hondo, Pearl, Pistol Pete, Barry,Unseld,Cowens,Heinsohn,evenJohnny“Red”Kerr),withPistolexplodingfor18 points in 18 minutes and East coach Red Auerbach fuming after a game-turningcall inthefinalminute.115Evenbetter,HeinsohnnevercoughedupalungdespiteVegaspostingevenoddsfor

“TommyHeinsohnwillcoughupalungduringthegame.”

TheDunkContestcontestantswereLarryNance,EdgarJones,Dominique(theodds-on favorite),RalphSampson (as always, theyhad tohaveone “Why thesupertallguy?”contestant),ClydeDrexler,OrlandoWoolridge,MichaelCooperandtwodoctors(DunkensteinandJ).Wilkins,NanceandtheDocsadvancedtoRound2(bothErvingand’Niquedunkedtwoballsatonce);NanceprevailedintheFinalsbecauseErvingblewhisfirstdunk.Watchingittwenty-fiveyearslateron tape, it’s shockinghowrudimentary thedunkswere—onlyDoc’s lastdunkfromthefoulline(hisentirefootwasover)qualifiedasmemorable,andNance’sPlasticManperformance(avarietyoflong-armeddunkswithhishandwayoverthe rim) seems pretty mundane. But at the time? Riveting! If you watch theYouTubeclips, thepivotalmomenthappens rightbefore the finals,whenDoccrouchesonthesidelinesanddiagramspotentialdunkswithhistwoyoungsonsand teammate Andrew Toney (replete with different phantom dunk gestures);thiswasoneof those rare“Wow,maybe theseblackguysaren’t allondrugs;

theyactuallyseemlikenormalpeople”

momentsthattheNBAneededsodesperatelyinordertoconnectwithsecretly-still-a-little-racistAmerica.Withintwoyears,theyaddedaThree-PointContest(dramaticallywonbyLarryBird)andwewereoffandrunning.

Oneothernote:theactualAll-StarGamewasfantastic.Dochad34points;IsiahwontheMVP

with22pointsand15assists;Magichad22assistsin37minutes;theEastwonbya154–145scorethatdoubledasthehighestcombinedpointtotalevertothatpoint;116 and the supercompetitive game featured an inordinate amount ofqualityplayers(includingtwelvePyramidguysandfiveofthetoptwenty-five,astatthatwillmakesenseinabout107pages)actuallygivingacrap.Untilthe

’87Classic,thiswasthebestAll-Stargameeverplayed.Again,onlygoodcameoutofthe’84

All-StarWeekend.EvenRickBarry’slatestrugwasahugehit.

Thebirthof tanking.WithHakeemand Jordan loomingasdraftprizes,boththeRockets(blew14oftheirlast17,including9oftheirlast10)andBulls(lost19oftheirlast23,including14oftheirlast15)said,“Screwit,we’llbastardizethesport,”andpulledsomefishycrap:restingkeyguys,givinglousyguysbigminutes and everything else. Things peaked in Game 81 when a washed-upElvinHayesplayedeveryminuteofHouston’sovertimelosstotheSpurs.Sincenone of the other crappy teams owned their picks, onlyChicago andHoustoncontrolled their destinies (hence the tanking). The worst teams in eachconference flipped a coin for number one back then, so the 29-win Rockets“won” the toss and picked first; the 26-win Pacers “lost” and picked second(Portlandbyproxy);andthe27-winBullssettledforthird(winningtheultimateprize). 117 The unseemly saga spurred the creation of a draft lottery thefollowingseason.Andeventhatdidn’ttotallysolvethetankingproblem;TeamSternhaschangedthelotterysystemfivetimesintwenty-fouryears,andwe’reprobablyheadedforasixthsoon.Mysolution:everylotteryteamgetsthesameodds.What’swrongwith keeping shitty teams shitty and improvingmediocre

ones?

Whyisthisbad?Youcan’thavegreatteamsunlessyouhavelousyones.IfthatmakesmeanNBARepublican,sobeit.

The1984Finals.Or,asit’smorecommonlyknown,theSingleBiggestBreakinNBAHistory.TwoyearsaftertheNBAextendeditsseasonsoCBScouldshowtheFinalslive(raisingtheverylogicalquestionthatIprayyou’reasking:“Wait,what thehell took theNBAso long?”), thenetwork finallyobliged…and,ofcourse, they hit the ratings jackpot. Not only did you have the rebirth of theleague’smost storied rivalry,youhadBirdversusMagic II;EastCoastversusWestCoast;JackNicholsonversusBustyHeart;118JohnnyMostversusChickHearn;theGardenversustheForum;thetwobestpassingteamsofthatdecade;two loaded squads with eighteen quality guys (including eight future Hall ofFamers);andaseven-gamedonnybrookthatfeaturedfourESPNClassic-calibercontests(includingGeraldHenderson’sstealsavingapotentialsweepinGame2). Game 4 (Boston 129, L.A. 125 in OT) was probably the mostentertaining/dramatic/physical/hostile/loaded Finals game to that point, anexceptionally played, hypercompetitive slugfest that featured KevinMcHale’sseries-turningclotheslineonKurtRambis;KareemnearlywhistlinganelbowoffLarry’s noggin and the two of them exchanging face-to-face eff-yous;MagicimprobablyfallingapartincrunchtimeandOT;Birdjustmissingadesperationthree to win it and McHale missing the bunny follow; Bird’s backbreakingturnaround over Magic in OT; Maxwell walking across the lane and givingWorthythechokesignafterBigGameJamesclangedahugefreethrow;andM.L.Carr’simprobablesteal/dunktoclinchit.

Here’swhyIknowwewillneverseeanotherbasketballgamelikethat:therulesdon’tallowit.Youwon’tseethatmanygreat/goodplayersonthesamecourtinthesalarycapera,andyouwon’t

seethatlevelofhostilityandpassionbecauseoftherulesnowinplaceagainsttauntingandflagrantfouls.TheNBA,wheredilutedpussyballhappens!Ifyoulistentomeonanything,Ihopeit’sthis:justwatchthedamnedgamesometime.

It’sthatgood.EvenastheCelticswereeuphoricallyprancingoffthecourtwithMcHaleflashinghisarmpits,itfeltliketheaxisforprofessionalsportshadbeenshifted a little. And when Boston prevailed in a heated Game 7 in equallydramaticfashion,thedaysofanyonewonderingiftheleaguewastooblack(orwhether the leaguewouldmake it,drugswere ruining thesport,or theymightlosetheirTVcontract)werefinallyover.So,um…yeah.119

The1984draft.YouwillnotfindabiggermonthforasportsleaguethanJune’84fortheNBA.NotonlydidtheFinalsrevivethesport,notonlydidtheworldembracethepowerofStern’smustache,butChicagostumbledintothefutureofprofessional basketball (Jordan) in a draft that included three other legends(Hakeem,StocktonandBarkley).WhenNikesignedJordantoathen-mammoth$2.5million deal during the same summerwhenBird andMagic filmed theirfamousConversecommercial,thedooropenedforNBAplayerstocrossovertomainstream advertisers and become their ownmini-corporations. Jordan did itfirstwithhisposters,AirJordansneakerlineandMarsBlackmoncommercials;others likeMagic andBird quickly followed suit. The League ThatWas TooBlackhadbecometheLeagueThatRakedInShitloadsofMoney,anditwouldneverlookback.

Anyway, that’show thehellwegothere.Andyeah,maybewenevercoveredoverexpansion, JumboTrons, luxury boxes, skyrocketing ticket prices, thegrowth of sports radio and fantasy hoops, the influx of foreign players, theadditionofathirdreferee,videogamestakingoff,theunderclassmenboon,theHIVscare, the impactof theDreamTeam (and thenegative impactofDreamTeam II), RileyBall, the lottery changes, rookie opt-out clauses, LatrellSprewell’schokinghabits,the’99strike,therookiesalaryscale,thebanonhighschoolers,advancesinACL

surgeries, theartof findingcap space, tattoosandbaggy shorts, themarijuanaepidemic(that’sright,epidemic),theperilsofovercoaching,KG’s$120millioncontract, the ’99 lockout, Mark Cuban and the Maloofs, the Internet boom,Barkley’s TV career,MoochieNorris’ afro, theArtestMelee, the dress code,ESPN’sTradeMachine, theDonaghyscandal,All-StarWeekendinVegas, the

scarystretchfrom1994to2004whendefensesbecametooeffectiveandgamessloweddowntoomuch,oreventheeconomy’srecentcollapseanditseffectsonaleaguethatInicknamedthe

“No Benjamins Association” in a February ’09 column. For our purposes—figuringoutwhomatteredandwhy—wegottowhereweneededtogo.Justtrustme.120

1.MST3000andLettermancreated theunintentionalcomedygenre:mockingthings that weren’t originally intended to be funny. Nearly 15 years later, Iunveiled the Unintentional Comedy Scale on ESPN.com, with DikembeMutombo’svoiceearningaperfect100outof100andatleast20

different professional golfers earning a zero (because of the little-known rulethatyoumustenduresixelectroshock treatmentsupongettingyourPGATourcard).

2. That was nearly the title for this book: A Brief and Occasionally BiasedHistoryof theNBA.The titles I lovedmost (butultimatelywas talkedoutof):TuesdayswithHorry…LoveChildoftheBasketballJesus…TellMeHowMyBookTastes…WhereaPulitzerHappens…TheGreatestNBABookI’veEverWritten…MajerleandMe…TheHoopsTestament…BlackMenCanJump

…TheSecondBestBasketballBookEver…ILoveThisGame…IShouldHaveBeenBlack…

TheBasketballBible…AWhiteMan’sThoughts on aBlackMan’sGame…SecretsfromaToplessPoolinVegas…TheAssociation…WeekendatBernieBickerstaff’s.3.It’shardtobelievethatBostonCollegedidn’tgiveMolinasanhonorary doctorate. 4. They didn’t have these things in 1954. Just wanted tomakesureyouwerepayingattention.Althoughitwouldhavebeenfuntoreadblogswithmean-spiritednameslike“BobCousy’sLisp.”

5.Koppett’sbook24Seconds toShoot:TheBirthand ImprobableRiseof theNBAprovedtobeanenormoushelpforthischapter.He’sdead,butI’dliketothankhimanyway.6.Ourtopfiveshowsin1954:ILoveLucy,Dragnet,ArthurGodfrey’sTalentScouts,YouBetYourLifeandTheChevyShowfeaturingBobHope.Isn’t itweirdthatsomeone55yearsfromnowwill lookat the2009top

fiveandsay,“Iwonderwhat thehellhappenedonAmerican Idol?” just like Iwondered, “I wonder what the hell happened on Arthur Godfrey’s TalentScouts?”

7.FourgreatBiasonefacts:hewasborninItalyanddidtheEllisIslandthing;hemadehismoneyowning abowling alley; hewore long, double-breasted coatsand Borsalino hats; and he smoked filtered cigarettes. I don’t know whatBorsalinohatsareandthatstillsoundsfantastic.8.Alsonoteworthy:EarlLloydandJimTuckerbecamethefirstblackplayerstoplayforachampionshipteam.

9. Extending this analogy,BobCousywas Seka,DolphSchayeswasMarilynChambers,JoeFulkswasHarryReems,RedAuerbachwasGerardDamianoandGeorgeMikanwasdefinitelyJohnHolmes.

10. Keeping the Mikan-Holmes analogy going, this comeback went about aswell as the last twoyearsof JohnnyWadd’scareer,whenhebecamea junkieanddabbledingayporntosupporthishabit.

11.WedefinitelywouldhaveseenRichieCunninghamwearingHawksT-shirtsandjerseys,andpossiblyaretrocameowithPettitandClydeLovellettewearingbadwigsandpretending theywere20yearsyounger, thenClyde insulting theblackchefatArnold’sandFonziekickinghisass.12.Pettit’squadruple-printedcardremainstheeasiesttofind.Gofigure,theyquadruple-printedPettit(white)andsingle-printedRussell(black).I’msurethiswasacoincidence.Russ’rookiefetchesfrom$500to$4,000dependingonitscondition.

13.Once theNBA started stealing black stars away from the ’Trotters, itwasonlyamatteroftimebeforethe’Trottersmorphedintosomethingelse—namely,afan-friendlyhoopsteamthatdidtricks,whuppedtheGenerals,andhadasweetWideWorld of Sports run. You knowwho loved them? Young Jabaal, that’swho.

14.Other rules or phrases named afterNBA players or personalities: the TedStepienRule,theMagicJohnsonRule,theTrentTuckerRule,theJordanRules,Hack-a-Shaq,theLarryBirdException,theAllanHoustonRuleandtheEwingTheory.

15.Youknowwhat’sreallyweird?Thenetwork’snumberoneannouncingteamin1959wasMarvAlbertandHubieBrown.

16.Teamsroutinelyplayed25–30preseasongamesaswellasa72-gameregularseasonandanyplayoffgames,andtheguywhodidtheschedulebackthenwasapparentlysufferingfromamajorheadinjury.Detailstocome.

17.Theotherfactor:everynewNBAstarwasblack.Well,then!Downtheroad,NBC made up for this apparent burst of racism by greenlighting The CosbyShow,TheFreshPrinceofBel-AirandeventheunwatchableADifferentWorld.

18.WhenM.J. scored 37.1 per game in the ’87 season, he averaged just 27.8shotsand11.8free throws.All right,maybewedidn’tneedtheword“just” inthere.

20. The numbers from ’94 to ’04 dropped because of overcoaching, superiordefense, far fewer possessions, overexpansion, more physical play and anoticeabledearthofelitetalent(thankstobaddrafts,theinfluxofhighschoolersand youngsters getting paid too soon). 21. Also, the number of black NBAplayersincreasedto25outofapossible96(26percent).ActualquotefromAlAttlesinTallTales:“Icameintotheleaguein1960andthewordwasthattherecould be up to four blacks per team.” Nowadays, only New England prepschoolsthinklikethis.

22. This was the astonishing two-parter in which an older assistant set off aracialpowderkegbysayingSmashWilliamswasbetteroffasanRBthanaQB.IfFNLwasMJ’scareer,LylaGarrity’sslam-pageepisodewouldbethe63-pointgameinBoston(thecoming-outparty),thetwo-parterwithSmashwouldbethe’91Finals (when theshow’sconsiderablepotentialwas realized), thestoryarcwhereLandryandTyrakilledherstalkerwasMJ’sbaseballcareer(far-fetchedand a completewaste of time), andSeason 3was like Jordan’s last three titleseasons(cementingitsreputationasthegreatestsports-relateddramaever).GladI got that off my chest. 23. Cousy started the Players Association in 1954,although its initial goals were to curb the endless barnstorming tours and getplayerspaidforpersonalappearances.Notuntil themid-’60sdidtheybegintomake headway on medical plans, pension plans, the reserve clause andeverythingelse.OurfirsttwopresidentsofthePlayersAssociation?HolyCrossgrads!WhosaystheCrosscouldn’tcracktheIvy?

24.Andwiththat,we’dneverhaveanotherwhitecelebritynamedMaurice.25.IlovedArledge forcomingupwithSuperstars andBattleof theNetworkStars,two of my favorite shows as a kid. If not for him, I never would have seen

CharleneTilton’shardnipples in thesoftballdunktankor thewatershedGabeKaplan-Robert Conrad 100-yard dash (the “USA 4, USSR 3” of reality-TVmoments).

26. You have to admire me for running a Halberstam excerpt when he’s aninfinitelybetterwriter.Ihavenoego.I’mlikeRussell—Idon’tcareaboutstats.

27.Leadingby10with40secondsleft,Redlituphisvictorycigarrightbeforeafuriouscomeback—theLakersscored8straightbeforetheC’sfinallyranouttheclock.ImaginetheAuerbacheraendingwiththebiggestchokeinsportshistoryand a jinxed final victory cigar. 28. Back then, they called Russell the first“Negro”coach.Thatphrasingeventuallyfadedaway,muchtoeveryone’srelief,especiallyVinnyDelNegro’s.

29.Justkidding.AllReddidwasarrangetheillegalabortions.Okay,thatwasajoke,too.ShouldIjustgetoutnow?Yeah,Ishouldgetoutnow.

30.Wiltsignedfor$100,000before the’66season;Russell received$100,001(yes, intentional). From a prestige/credibility standpoint, those contractsmadetheNBAseemjustasstableastheNFLandMajorLeagueBaseball.Look,ourguysmake bigmoney, too!You have to love the fact thatwe once lived in aworldwhererichathleteswereconsideredapositive.31.ThisfranchisemovedtoLong Islandbecause it couldn’t land enoughgamedates inNYC.AndyouwonderedwhyDr.Jgrewbighair.

32. I exaggerated. Speaking of afros, Oscar Gamble’s 1976 baseball card hasbeen in the glove compartment of every car I ever owned; it’s a good-luckcharm.One timeIwaspulledover forspeedingandwhenIwassearchingformylicenseandregistration,theGamblecardfellout.Inoticedthecoptryingnottosmile,soImutteredsomethinglike,“Thatcardcracksmeup.”Thecopletmego with a warning. Themoral of the story: everyone loves big-ass afros. 33.GaryBettmanignored these lessonsand triedasimilarstrategywith theNHL,nearly destroying it in the process. And he came from the NBA! I loveprofessionalsports.34.BaseballplayerCurtFloodgetscreditforstandinguptoTheManandpavingthewayforaneweraofsportscontracts,onlyBarrydidthe same twoyearsearlier.Sowhydoesn’theget credit?BecauseRickBarrywasadick.Ikeeptellingyou!

35. Iwatched aSuns-Hawks ’70XmasgameandWalkwas thehairiestNBA

playerever:chesthair,neckhair,shoulderhair,younameit.Sowhatweretheodds of an extremely hairy white center namedNealWalk becoming anAll-Star?Isay0.000000004percent.36.Thatwasn’teventhebestthingaboutthisAll-StarGame:HaywoodwonMVPalongwitha1970DodgeChallengeranda$2,000RCAtelevision.Nice!Thatmightbemyfavoriteprizeever—notjustforsports,butforanygameshow,raffleoranythingelse.DoyouthinkSpencewasdriving theChallengerwhenhedropped theRCAoff at anL.A.pawnshop8yearslater?

37.Ifyouthinkagentsarescumbagsnow,theyweretentimesmorescumbaggyinthe’60sand

’70s.MakesyouwonderifScottBorascamefromthepast.

38. ABA owners created the phrase “hardship case” to make the Haywoodsigningseemmorepalatable to theoutsideworldandgive itaperceived legalframework.Inotherwords,thephrasemeantnothing.Awesome.

39.Elgin’sring(theygavehimone)wasprobablywhippedagainstthewallofhisClippersoffice17,000timessince1972.HequalifiesfortheEwingTheorybecause theLakers ripped off a 33-gamewin streak right after he retired, butthat’s unfair because it took so much dignity for him to walk away from aguaranteed title. He left with his head held high. In other words, it was thecompleteoppositeofhowGP’scareerended.

40.Ittookanother36yearsbeforeanyoneevenbroke20again—whenthe’08Rocketswon22

straight.

41. No joke: I adopted Sharman’s strategy as a parenting tactic with mydaughter.Keepheroffthepole!Igottakeepheroffthepole!

42.In’71,Wiltaverageda20–18–4andshot54.5%.In’72,Wiltaverageda15–19–4andshot64.9%.Heattempted1,226FGsand669FTsin’71;thatdroppedto764FGsand524FTsin’72.Sohedidsacrifice.

43. Too bad they didn’t keep track of TOswhenWilt played—that’s anotherrecordhewouldhavegoneoutofhiswaytobreak.Can’tyouhearChickHearnsaying,“MyGod,whatistheBigDipperdoing?Hejustintentionallysailedhis

tenthpassofthegameintothestands!”

44. In fairness toGeorge,he led the ’73Pacers in scoringwhen theywon thetitle,thencarriedthe

’75Pacers to theFinalsandaveragedastunning32–16–8in18playoffgameswithajaw-dropping111TOs.Georgealsohad8TOsinthe’74ABAAll-StarGame. The guy couldn’t toss his car keys to a valet without someone elsecatchingthem.

45.Wiltalmostmade this lista fourth timeforshooting72.7percent fromthefieldin’73.Thatonefeelsbreakabletome—iftherightaging,giganticcentercamealongwhoonlyshotdunksand layups, it could fall.RigorArtis shot67percentin’81and65percentin’82.Maybe43-year-oldShaqwilldoit.

46. PeteMaravich holds thewhite-guy record for points (68); JerryLucas forrebounds (40);Mark Eaton for blocks (14); Dirk Nowitzki/John Stockton forsteals(9);andDanMajerle/RexChapmanforthrees(9).PejaStojakovichad10threesinagamebutIdon’tcounttheEurosastruewhiteguys.Justapersonalthingwithme.

47.Thelesson,asalways:don’tmesswiththekarmapolice.

48. Therewere sixABA commishes in all:Mikan, JackDolph,BobCarlson,Mike Storen, Todd Munchak and Dave DeBusschere. Here’s a good rule ofthumb:ifyourfledglingleaguehas6

commissionersin9years,youprobablyaren’tmakingit.

49.Imadethoselastfivesentencesup.Sorry,Tommy.Bytheway,he’stheonlyNBAauthortorepeatedlyusetheword“baby”inhisprose,asin“Kareemwasgreat, but Cowens was better, baby!” Strangely, this would become abroadcastingcrutchfortheinsufferableTonySiragusatwodecadeslater.

50. This was one of the ABA’s underrated achievements, right up there withVillanovaandWesternKentuckybeingforcedtoforfeittheir1971recordsandNCAA tournament prize money because ABA commish Jack Dolph left hisbriefcaseopenat the ’71All-StarGameand reportersnoticedsignedcontractsforHarold Porter and JimMcDaniels. I nominate this forDumbest CommishMomentEver.NotevenGaryBettmancantopit.

51.Thoseweretheonly’72draftpickswhoplayed350-pluscareergamesandaveraged10-pluspoints.ThenextsevenpicksafterLaRueMartin(numberone)andMcAdoo(numbertwo):DwightDavis,CorkyCalhoun,FreddieBoyd,RussLee,BudStallworth,TomRiker,BobNash.Wasthatadraftclassorthecastofanall-malepornmovie?

52. The number of semiathletic white small forwards from the mid-’70s isstaggering: in ’76 alone,wehadDonNelson,Ford,Gibbs,BillBradley,DickSnyder,TomandDickVanArsdale,ScottWedman,JackMarin,KeithEricksonand Larry Steele playing 20-plusminutes a game (andKenny Reeves for theBulls).AnytimeyouhaveapositionthatfeaturestwoDonsandthreeDicksandyourleagueissupposedtobeentertaining,that’sprobablynotagoodthing.53.Look,youcan’tdiscussyoungMoseswithoutmentioningthat,asmanyclaim,he initially expressed himselfmostly through grunts. The iconicMoses story:duringhissecondABAseason,Moses injuredhisfootandthetrainercouldn’tfindanythingwrongwithit.Mosesdisagreedbysimplysaying,“Footbroken.”Anditwas.

54. It’s a good thing that Moses didn’t end up on the ’75 Spirits: they hadMarvinBarnes at his crazy apex,NewYork schoolyard legend FlyWilliams,legendaryheadcaseJoeCaldwellandaswingmannamedGooKennedy.That’sright, BadNews, Fly andGoo on the same team! Too bad they never signedSploogeSimpson.

55.IdefyyoutofindaweirdercoachingresumethantheonebelongingtoKCJones:BrandeisUniversity (headcoach, ’67–’70);L.A.Lakers (assistant, ’72);San Diego Conquistadors (head coach, ’73); Bullets (head coach, ’74–’76);Celtics(assistant,’79–’83;headcoach,’84–’88);Sonics(headcoach,’90–’91);NewEnglandBlizzardofthewomen’sABL(’97–’98).Myheadhurts.

56. That had to be doubly insulting for Elgin—not just getting booted, butbooted and replacedbyRickBarry?That’s likehavingyour collegegirlfrienddumpyouforthebiggestdoucheonthevarsitycrewteam.

57. It’s really a shame that the dudewho runs the “AwfulAnnouncing” blogwasn’taroundbackthen.

58. I showed this clip to the SportsGal,who defendedBarry by saying, “Hedidn’tmean it thatway. Look at theway hewas smiling. It looks like a half

watermelon.Ireallydon’tthinkhemeantitthebadway.Maybehedidn’tknowwhatitmeant.Didhegetfired?”Um,yes.Yes,hedid.59.Thesewerethedayswhennetworksroutinelyhadall-whitebroadcastteamswithoutconsideringtheracial implications.Nowwe’ve swung the otherway—you’re only allowed tohavetwowhiteguysonastudioshowandthatisit!Youhearme?Onlytwo!

60.Agreatruleofthumbforthe“WouldhebegoodonTV?”question:couldyou see him giving a funny best man’s speech? If not, then don’t hire him.Provingmypoint:I’dwanttoattendanyweddingwhereCharlesBarkleygavethe bestman’s speech.And sowould you. 61.EveryNBADVD should havethreeaudiochoices:English,SpanishandMosesMalone.I’mnotapologizingatanypointinmylifefortheseMosesjokes.Themancouldn’tspeakEnglishanddidn’tseeminterestedinlearninghowtotry.WhatelsecanItellyou?

62.Magic absolutely loved the phrase “winnin’ time.” Every pivotalmomentrevolvedaround

“winnin’time,”asin“Michaelknowsrightnowit’swinnin’time!”

63.Yes,Iincludemyself.

64.Here’swhat Bob sounded like that first year (say this urgently out loud):“Scottiedribblestotheleft…Mullinisonhim…ScottiepassestoJordan…Jordanmakesamovetohisleft…

dribblestwice…givesituptoKukoc…here’sKukoc…Kukoconthedrive!…Itgoesin!…andtheBullsleadeighteentosixteen!…Kukochassixpointsfor theBulls!…Nowhere’sJacksondribblingitupthefloorforIndiana…”Andsoon.Ihatewhenplay-by-playguystalktoomuch.WehaveaTV.Wecansee.

65.That’sright,Iused“YouTube”asaverbthere.Sorry,Iwasfeelingit.66.Atthe time I wrote, “It’s too bad Vecsey can’t be the sideline reporter for theOscars,justsohecouldinterviewpeoplelikeMattDamonandsaythingslike,‘Iguess that’swhyyou’re tellingfriends thatyouwant todumpWinonaRyder!’Thatstunnedlookof

resignation/horror/disgust/embarrassment thatVecseyconstantly evokes shouldhaveanimpactbeyondthesportsworld.”

67. The Slam Dunk Contests is a hundred times better in person than ontelevision. Even if there’s only onememorable dunk the entire night, it’s stillworth sitting there for three hours enduring all the other crappy events. IwasthereforDwightHoward’sSupermandunkin2008andthatwasamoment.

68.MyfavoriteLooseBallsanecdotethatdoesn’tinvolveBarnes:theABAfellbehindinpaymentsthatsummertoFruth,sowhenoneexecutivementionedthatthey’dtakecareofthefeesoon,Fruthtoldhim,“Iknowyouwill,becauseifyoudon’thave$25,000onmydeskbyFriday,JuliusErvingwillbeworkinginmygarden.”Classic!LonglivetheFruth!

69. How many meetings do you think Stern had with high-powered lawyersfrom1984to2009

wherehetriedtofigureoutwaystoweaseloutoftheSt.Louispact,failed,thenunleashed a parade of f- bombs and kicked everyone out of the conferenceroom?Theover/underhas tobe39.5.70.Portlandalsohad the fifthpick thatyear,stupidlytakingWallyWalkeroverAdrianDantleyinatypical“let’stakethewhiteguy,maybehe’snotasgoodastheblackguy,butourfanswill lovehim”1970smove.They couldhave landedDantley,MaloneandLucas in thesamesummer;instead,theydealtMoses,botchedtheWalkerpickandstillwonthe’77 title.71.This ranksup there in theDumbSequencespantheon:soyousellDocandmortgageyourfutureforTinyArchibald?Huh?Thosepicksturnedouttobenumbertwooveralltwoyearsinarow(PhilFordandOtisBirdsong).Andwiththat,three-plusdecadesofNetshellhadbegun!

72. The others: 5 All-Stars (Ron Boone, Don Buse, Dan Issel, Bobby Jones,BillyKnight),4futureAll-Stars(LarryKenon,MauriceLucas,DanRoundfield,JamesSilas),14valuablerotationguys(MackCalvin,M.L.Carr,DonChaney,Louie Dampier, Caldwell Jones, Swen Nater, Mark Olberding, Tom Owens,Billy Paultz,Ralph Simpson,BrianTaylor,DaveTwardzik, JohnWilliamson,WillieWise),andonehigh-pricedheadcase(MarvinBarnes).73.Thisspawnedathree-year tradingfrenzythat ledtothisstartlingfact:Chicago(numbertwo)wastheonlytop-fifteenteamtopickinitsassignedspotinthe1979draft.74.E.C. Coleman made first-team All-Defense in 1977 and was out of the leaguewithin18

months.AsfarasIcantell,thisisthemostrandomthingthateverhappened.75.Behonest:partofyouwantedtobelievethis.

76.ThatwouldbeJellybeanJoeBryant,orasweknowhimnow,Kobe’sdad.Hewasanunapologeticgunnerwhospentmuchofthe’77seasondemandingtobetraded.Let’sjustsaythattheapplelandedabout3inchesfromthetree.

77.I’mstatingtheperception,notthereality.It’ssadthatIhavetoclarifythat.By theway, JabaalAbdul-Simmonsmay have been the onlywhiteAmericanoutsidePhillyrootingfortheSixersinthe’77Finals.EveryDocdunkmademe“Gilligan’sIslandison!”–levelhappy.IwasalsofascinatedbyLloydFreeandhisjumpshot;whenhechangedhisnametoWorldB.Freeandaveraged30agame in San Diego, I felt vindicated for jumping on the Free bandwagon soearly.ThatwastheperfectcombooftalentandcrazinessthatIwaslookingforinelementaryschool.78.Let’ssayWaltonstayshealthyandPortlandwinsthreestraighttitles.Our’80ConferenceFinalmatchups:Philly-BostonandPortland-L.A. with Walton, Bird, Doc, Kareem and Magic. Wow. 79. Four perfectcandidates: Seattle at Denver, ’78 (Game 5, series tied at 2); Philly atWashington,

’78 (Game 6, Bullets leading 3–2); Seattle at Phoenix, ’79 (Game 6, Phoenixleading3–2);WashingtonatSanAntonio,’79(Game6,Spursleading3–2).Thelesssexyteamwonall4ofthosegames.Um,thisneverhappensanymore.Notsure if you’ve noticed. 80. That was an “I’m standing up for my teammate”momentthatranksalongsideFlatchpunchingtheguywhocheap-shottedJimmyChitwood in the ’54 North Sectional Regionals, then getting thrown into thetrophy case and cutting his shoulder. That’s a gutless way to win! That’s agutlesswaytowin!

81.TheNBAsprucedupthefightingpenaltiesafterthe’77Finals,doublingthemaximumfine($10,000)andeliminatinglimitsforgamesuspensions.

82.InGiantSteps,abookthatwillmakeyouhateKareembetween25and30percent more by the last page, Kareem bitches about Awtrey making hisreputation for sucker-punchinghimfrombehind, thenneglects tomention thathedidthesamethingtoBenson…andlaterbragsabouttheBensonpunch.HealsosuckeredHappyHairstonduringthe’72season(it’sonYouTube).83.Thecamerasmissedit,butKunnertgotclocked—evenwhenthey’rescrapingRudyoff the floor, you can seeKunnert still wiping blood off his own facewith atowel. Only 10 months later, Kunnert and Kermit were teammates on theClippers,settinguponeof theall-timeawkward“Hey,goodtoseeyouagain”momentsinNBAhistory.

84.Thiswasamuchbiggerdeal in1977becauseweonlyhada fewchannelsand SNL averaged 30–35 million viewers. In the segment, Garrett Morris“defends”Kermitandsays,“Weblacksgetblamedforeverything.Lookatthisfilm.Why,he justgrazedthecat.Whoops!Let’s lookat it fromanotherangle…”Oneofhisonlyfunnymomentsever.

85. In Breaks, Halberstam argues that it’s the most devastating punch everthrown—achiseledspecimenplantinghisfeetandthrowingaperfectrightcrossinto the face of someone sprinting toward him.Or as theGrumpyOldEditorcalls it, a “cosmic accident.” Ten years earlier,WillisReed easily could havebeenKermitduringthat’67Lakersbrawl.

86.ThatwastheyeartheCelticsfellapartandHondoretired.WhenIrvLevinswitchedfranchiseswithJohnY.BrownandmovedtheBravestoSanDiego,hetookKermitwithhim.Iwascrushed.Twofavoritesgonein4months.

87. It’s really a longmagazine profile, onlyFeinstein doubled theword countandrepeatedmorethanafewstoriestostretchitintoabook.FeinsteinwasabiginfluenceonTheBookofBasketballbecausehe rusheshisbooks toget to thenextone.Iwantyoutofeeltheoppositewithmine.Iwantyoutosay,“NotonlydidIgetmy$30worth,buthonestly,I’mburnedoutonSimmonsforlike9

months,thatbookcouldhavebeenabout200pagesless.”Wait,you’realreadysayingthat?Whatthehell?We’renotevenatthehalfwaypointyet!Getsomecoffee or something. 88. The Bulls passed up Sidney Moncrief for DavidGreenwood at number two.Ouch. InMagic’s book, hewrites that JerryWestwanted to trade down and pickMoncrief—remember, they already hadNormNixonplayingpoint—onlyDr.JerryBussoverruledhimbecausehewasbuyingtheteamandMagicwasabiggername.

89.HowdoIknowthis?Icalledthecommishandaskedhim.Wetalkedfor35minutes.Amazingly,hecouldstillrecalleverydetailandnumberoffthetopofhishead33yearslater.90.Incredibly,notapeexistsofthefourmissinggames,butyoucanbuythefirsttwoseasonsofSimonandSimononDVD.Idon’tgettheworldsometimes.

91.Juststatingthestigma,notthereality.Bytheway,ourtop-tenTVprogramsin 1980: Dallas, Dukes of Hazard, 60 Minutes, M*A*S*H, Love Boat, TheJeffersons,Alice,HouseCalls, Three’sCompany, LittleHouse on thePrairie.

YouknowitwasacompetitiveTVyearwhenC.H.I.P.S.wastwenty-fifth.

92.HadGame6movedtoSaturday,Game7couldhavemovedtoTuesdayandbumpedCBS’

worst night of the week: some rerun (extensive Googling couldn’t figure outwhichone)followedbya“Movieof theWeek.”Ididfind thatashownamedCaliforniaDreamingheldthe8:00–9:00

spot until December 10, 1979. IMDb.com’s synopsis: “Vince and Ross aresuburban L.A. teenagers enjoying disco, surfing, cars and the rest of theSouthernCalifornialifestyle.”Oneoftheshow’sstars?LorenzoLamas!Ilovedthelate-seventies.

93.CBS’ratingsforeveryFinalsfrom’76to’90:11.5(Boston-Phoenix),12.7

(Philadelphia-Portland),9.9(Washington-Seattle),7.2(Washington-Seattle),8.0(L.A.Philadelphia),6.7(Boston-Houston),13.0(L.A.-Philadelphia),12.3(L.A.Philadelphia),12.3

(Boston-L.A.),13.7(Boston-L.A.),14.1(Boston-Houston),15.9(Boston-L.A.),15.4

(L.A.-Detroit),15.1(L.A.-Detroit),12.3(Portland-Detroit).

94.“Wedman!Dunleavy!It’stheWesternConferenceFinalsonCBS!”

95. Remember the days when players could get in fights and remain in thegame?Then theKermit punch happened and everything changed…oh,wait,nottrue.

96.Evenbetter,theyusedtheMiamiVicethemeforeveryone’sturn.Twoofmybiggestheroes in themid-’80swereBirdandSonnyCrockett—nowtheywerebasicallyteamingup?Throwinagirlfriendputtingoutrightafterthecontestandthatcouldhavebeenthegreatestnightofmysixteen-year life.Soclose.Iwasonepieceaway.

97.Mysecond-favorite3everbehindBird’s3inthe60-pointgamethatdidn’tcountandendedwithhimfallingintothetrainer’slapastheHawkscelebrated.

98.Technically,Guswasn’trunningateambecausehisagent,HowardSlusher,foolishlyadvisedhimtoholdoutfortheentire’81seasoninamisguidedefforttogetanewdeal.IthinkSlushersecretlyadvisedthedoltsrunningtheWritersGuildduringtheir2007–8strike.99.FormerteammateEddieJohnsonlatertoldSIthatFurlow,hisbestfriend,wasafreebaserand

“did a lot of things I didn’twant him to do. I tried to get him to change, butTerry felt likehecouldconqueranything.”You’llunderstand the ironywithintwopages.

100. Denver made Thompson take responsibility for the team’s crappy ’80seasonbymakinghimreturn$200Ktohelpitsfinancialtroubles(whichDenverloaned backwith interest by 1983). Can you imagine the PlayersAssociationgoing for that now? Also, how big a favor did they inadvertently do forThompson? That absolutely would have been coke money. 101. During thissamestretch, theNHLsuspendedNewYork’sDaveMurdochforoneyearforcoke possession; baseball suspended Steve Howe; the NFL’s “drug problem”appearedon thecoverofSI in1982;andMackenziePhillips tried to snort theentire cast ofOne Day at a Time. 102. The ’79 and ’80 Hawks had Drew,Furlowand Eddie Johnson. I spent 20minutes looking for a freebase pipe intheir’80teampictureandcouldn’tfindit.

103. In a June ’81 SI piece, Lucas denied using coke and claimed he wassuffering fromdepression, a diagnosis confirmed in the piecebyhis therapist,Dr. Robert Strange, or as he’d come to be known, “theworst therapist of alltime.”Within a few years, Lucas admitted to snorting everything in sight formostofhiscareer.Ilovethe“SIVault.”

104.Eddie’sexplanation toSI:“Iwas in thewrongplaceat thewrong time. Iwasatthesechicks’

house, and theseguysbusted in thedoor. I didn’tknowwhatwasgoingon. Iwasjustthere.Thentheystartedshootingatme.”Oh.

105.One of the coaches featured in the article?Westhead, fired a fewweekslaterforclashingwithMagic.See?Coachesultimatelydon’tmatterexceptforaselect few. 106. All you need to know about NBA coaches: during everytimeout, they huddle with their staff about 15 feet from the bench, allow theplayers to“think,” thencomebackaboutaminute laterwith somemiraculous

playorpieceofadvice.“Heyguys,listenup—IthinkwejustfiguredouthowtostopLeBron!”Iwanttoseeanownerforgoacoach,puttheplayersinchargeofthemselves and see if there’s any difference… and with the $4 million theysaved on coaches, they could knock down season ticket prices. I pray thatDonaldSterlingreadsthis.107.YougottahandittoHaroldhere—Imean,theydidwinthe’83title,right?

108. If Iwas putting together a cheesy-but-phenomenal ’80s time capsule andcouldonlyuse30

minutes ofmaterial, I’d include the “WeAre theWorld” video; the “One onOne”NBAad;thefinaltrainingsceneinRockyIVwhenheclimbsthe25,000-foot mountain in Russia wearing ski boots and a normal parka; Madonna’sperformanceatthe’85MTVVideoMusicAwards;Journey’s“SeparateWays”video; The Karate Kid’s “You’re the Best” fight montage; the Super BowlShufflevideo;andtheBeverlyHillsCopscenewhereAxelFoleydrivesthroughBevHills for the first time.That’s reallyallyouneed toknowabout the ’80s.It’sallinthere.109.Marvin’sfathermurderedhimjust14monthslater.Don’tforget to includeMarvinGayeSr.on theMountRushmoreofWorstCelebrityDadsalongwithRyanO’Neal,theGreatSantini,andJimPierce.

110.Twokeyprovisions:teamscouldexceedtheircaptomatchoffersheetsanduse50percentofaretired/waived/injuredplayer’scapfiguretoacquireanotherplayer.Thatkeptthegoodteamsgood,ifyoucatchmydrift.

111.You can find thatwebsite atwww.cbafaq.com. I’m convinced thatLarryCoonisastagename.

112.Anyconvictionorguiltypleainvolvingacocaine/heroincrimealsoresultedin an immediate ban. We never had a guinea pig for this one; just think, ifsomeone like Richard Dumas had ever been caught selling 30 pounds of potduringhisplayingdays,we’dbecallingthistheRichardDumasRule.

113. The complete list of players banned for at least one season: Richardson(’86), Lewis Lloyd (’87), Mitchell Wiggins (’87), Duane Washington (’87),ChrisWashburn (’89),RoyTarpley (’91),Dumas(’94, two-strikesuspension),Stanley Roberts (’99) and Chris Andersen (’06). Nice nine-man rotation! Thestarters:Sugar,Lloyd,Dumas,TarpandRoberts.Thecoach:AmyWinehouse.

114.Ican’tspeakforeveryotherkidinthemid-’80s,butIremembercounting

downthedaystotworandomevents:thefirstdunkcontestandWrestleManiaIoneyearlater.Inarelatedstory,therewasn’tagirlfriendtobeseenduringthatstretch.Notaone.115.RedwentballisticafterThurmondblockedBarry’sshotwith59secondsleftandgotwhistledforacheapfoul.HissedRedafterward,“Idon’t mind getting beat, but my guys were playing for pride and to win thegame,and[refNormDrucker]triedtomakeajokeoutofit.”Redwasthebest.The Old-Timers Game disappeared after someone (can’t remember who) gotseriouslyhurtoneortwoyearslater.NobodywantedtoseesomeonedropdeadduringAll-StarWeekend.NotevenifitwasKareem.

116.Thetwosidestookastaggering241shotsandmade53percentofthem.Asalways,twogreatPGsmakeforagreatASG,andwithBirdinvolved,it’sevenbetter.Everyoneplayedatleast11

minutesexceptfortheimmortalKellyTripucka(6minutes,1point),whosehair,mustacheandteethmadehimlooklikeamutantJohnOates.

117.Indiana’spickwentforPortland’sTomOwensin’81;Cleveland’swentforDallas’MikeBratzin’81;andtheClipstradedtheirsforPhilly’sWorldB.Freein’78.MaybecokeinfectednotjustplayersbutownersandGMs.Bytheway,theCavsbeatWashingtoningame82fortheirtwenty-eighthwin,droppingtheirpick tonumber four andcostingDallas a shot atMJ.Ouch.118.Bustywas alocal stripper who became the Morganna of the Bird era. You know whosesectionshekeptlandingin?Mine!Busty,thankstoyouandyourmega-gunsforhelpingmegetthroughpuberty.Andtotheguywhowassittinginfrontofmeduring Game 5—I’m sorry for standing up too quickly and knocking youunconsciouswithmyboner.Thatwasuncalledfor.119.InMarch’85,SIranafeature about the decline of TV sports ratings but passed on its usual NBA-bashing,evenadmitting,“Akindofdryrot[forratings]hassetinforallmajorsportsexceptprobasketball.”Mybaby’sallgrownsup!Mybaby’sallgrownsup!

120.Also, I needed to save something extra for the paperback.Get ready forHowtheHellDidWeGetHere:TheSequel,seasons1985–2010,availableforthe2010holidays!Iamshameless.

FOUR

THEWHAT-IFGAME

WESPENDANinordinateamountoftimeplayingthewhat-ifgame.WhatifInevergotmarried?

What if I had gone toHarvard instead of Yale?What if I hadn’t punchedmyboss in the face?What if Inever investedmylifesavingswithBernieMadoff?WhatifIneverwalkedinonmywifebangingourgardener?Youcan’tgoback,andyouknowyoucan’tgoback,butyoukeeprehashingitanyway.

Therearethreegreatwhat-ifsinmylifethatdon’tinvolvewomen.Thefirstis,“What if I had gone west or south for college?” This haunts me and willcontinue tohauntmeuntil theday Idie. I couldhavechosenawarm-weatherschoolwithhundredsofgorgeous sororitygirls, and instead Iwent toan IrishCatholicschoolonaWorcesterhillwithbone-chilling20-degreewinds,whichallowedfemalestudents tohidebehindheavycoatsandbutt-coveringsweatersso thick it became impossible to guess theirweightwithin a 35-pound range.Thatwasagreatidea.1Thesecond:

“WhatifIdidn’tquittheBostonHerald,takeayearofffromwriting,andtend

bar in 1996?” You wouldn’t be reading this book if that hadn’t happened. Ineededtorechargemybatteries,stayupuntil4:00a.m.,datethewrongwomen,smokeanobsceneamountofpotandfiguresomeshitout.That’swhatIneededatthetime,andnobodycantellmedifferent.Andofcourse,thethird:“WhatifIhadtriedtowritethismonstrosityofabookwithoutthehelpofcopiousamountsof hard alcohol, cocaine, amphetamines, ADD medication, Marlboro Lights,coffeeandhorsetranquilizers?”I’llletyoudecidewhetherthatdecisionworkedoutornot.

Thewhat-if game extends to every part of life. For instance, I have three andonlythreefavoritemoviewhat-ifs.Inreverseorder…2

•3.WhatifRobinWilliamsplayedtheDukeinMidnightRun?HesignedtoplayJonathan“theDuke”Mardukasandbackedoutbeforeshootingbecauseofaschedulingconflict.Theproducersscrambledaroundforareplacementbeforesettling onCharlesGrodin, not exactly a scorching-hot name at the time.Therest is history. Maybe Williams would have taken things in a more frantic,slapstickdirection—andthat’ssayingsomething,sincethiswasthesamemoviethatbroketherecordformostguysknockedbrieflyunconsciousbyapunch—but itwouldn’t havebeen a good thing.Grodinnailed theDuke.Understated,sarcastic,neverflinched.Williamsmessesthatmovieup.Iamconvinced.Andifyoudon’tagreewithme,Ihavetwowordsforyou:shutthefuckup.

•2.What ifLeonardoDiCapriodidBoogieNights insteadofTitanic?Leohadthechoice,mulled itover,optedforTitanic…andendedupcarrying thatmovie and becoming a superduperstar. (By the way, that movie bombs withanyone else.) 3 But imagine if he played Dirk Diggler. Look, I liked MarkWahlberg’s performance in thatmovie. It’s a solid B-plus and he didn’t takeanythingoffthetable.ButthatcouldhavebeenthedefiningpartofLeo’scareer.Torankthebestnewactorsofthepastfifteenyears,LeoandRussellCroweareeitherone-twoortwo-one,PhilipSeymourHoffmanisthirdandMattDamonisfourth. 4Asmuch as I likeWahlberg, he’s not on that level. Leo could havetakenDirkDigglertonewheights,whichseemssignificantsinceBoogieNights

isalreadyoneofmytenfavoritemoviesever.Ieventhinkhecouldhavepulledoffthe“Feeltheheat”and“It’smydojo!”scenes.5

•1.What ifRobertDeNirowashiredforMichaelCorleone insteadofAlPacino?Thisalmosthappened.WhenFrancisFordCoppolascreenedthem,heliked De Niro so much that he saved the part of young Vito for him in TheGodfather:PartII.Thiswillalwaysbethenumberonemoviewhat-ifbecauseitcanneverbeanswered:Pacinowas tremendous in IandsubmittedaPantheonperformance in II. Could De Niro have topped that? Possibly, right? Thatcharacterwasinbothoftheirwheelhouses.Iguessitcomesdowntowhichguywas better,which is like theBird-Magic debate in that there isn’t a definitiveanswerandtherewillneverbeadefinitiveanswer.6Nowthat,myfriends,isagreatwhat-if.

We should set someground rules ifwe’re extending the concept to theNBA,like avoiding injury-related what-ifs because injuries are part of the game.(“What ifBillWalton’s feet never broke down?” sounds fine on paper, but ifyou’ve ever read anything about Walton, you know he never had a chancerunning around on those fragile clodhoppers.Hewas predisposed to breakingdown,thesamewaysomeonelikeKurtCobainwaspredisposedtobecomingasuicidaldruggiemaniac.)Ialsowanttoavoidfascinating-but-nonsensicalwhat-ifs, like“WhatifShaqandKobehadbeenabletogetalong?”(thoseguyshadmammothegosandweredestined toclash),7 aswell asdraft-relatedwhat-ifsunlesstherightdecisionwasglaringlyobviousevenatthetimeandtheteamstillscrewed up. And I’m avoiding the “What if Jordan didn’t retire for eighteenmonths?”

questionbecausethatdecisionaffectedtoomanysubsequentscenarios—it’slikeasking “What if Ali didn’t lose four years of his prime?” or “What if ShawnKemp used condoms?” And besides, it’s not like he willingly retired, right?(Winkwink.)Everythingelseisfairgame.

Herearethetopthirty-threewhat-ifsinNBAhistory,inreverseorder:

33.Whatifthe’63Royalsnever

gotswitchedintotheEasternConference

whentheWarriorsmovedtoSanFrancisco?

The’63RoyalsdraggedaBostonteamwithsevenHallofFamerstoaseventhgame, thenpeakedoverthenext threeseasons(55,48and45wins),onlytheycould never get pastRussell’sCeltics (and laterWilt’s Sixers). Playing in theWest,theRoyalspotentiallycouldhavemadefivestraightFinals(’63to’67);attheveryleast,theywouldhavemadethe’65FinalsbecauseBaylormissedtheplayoffs.Andyouknowwhat?It’simpossibletomeasuretheimpactofsuchaseeminglyminordecisiononOscarRobertson’scareer.Here’sthegreatestpointguardof theNBA’s first thirty-fiveyearsandoneof the tenbestplayersever,only he never reached the Finals in his prime simply because he switchedconferences at theworst possible time.Wouldwe rememberOscar differentlyhadhebeenputtingonashoweveryspringintheFinalsonABC?WhatifOscarshocked the Celtics on the biggest stage and won a title? Would his careermomentumhavebuilt thewayJordan’sdidafterhisfirst title, likeaninvisiblebarrier had been broken down?Wouldwe rememberOscar as the greatest orsecond-greatestplayereverinsteadofatop-tenguy?

Now here’s what really drives me crazy. In 1962, there were four EasternConference teams (Boston,NewYork, Philly andSyracuse) and fiveWesternConferenceteams(LosAngeles,St.Louis,Chicago,DetroitandCincy).WhenPhilly moved to San Fran, 8 the conferences became imbalanced and oneWesternteamhadtomovetotheEast.TheRoyalswerealogicalpickbecausethey were located more east than anyone else. I get that. But one year later,ChicagomovedtoBaltimoreandremainedintheWesternConference.

Domeafavorandlookatamap.Doitrightnow.I’llwait.

(Twiddlingmythumbs.)

(Humming.)

Good, you’re back. Now check out that map. I mean,What the hell? It’s nocontest!HowcouldtheykeepCincyintheEastandBaltimoreintheWestwhenBaltimorewasnearlyathousandmilesfarthereast?Howdoesthismakesense?How?9Fromacommonsensestandpoint,whyweren’ttheNBApowersthatbemoreinterestedinmakingiteasierforOscartoreachtheFinals?

Those shortsighted dopes robbed us of some potentially bravura playoffmoments,includingthreeorfourOscar-Westplayoffshowdownsintheirprimesand at least one guaranteed Celtics-Royals Finals. And all because nobodyrunningtheNBAknewhowtoreadamap.

(Amazingly,thiswasn’t theleague’sbiggestgeographicalscrew-upever.Afterthe ABA and NBA merged, Denver and Indiana were sent to the WesternConferencewhileSanAntonioandtheNetsjoinedtheEast.Forthe’77season,HoustonandSanAntonioplayedintheEastwhileMilwaukee,Detroit,KansasCityand Indianaplayed in theWest.Checkout thatmapyou just found, thenexplain tome how thismade any sensewhatsoever. I’ll give you a thousanddollars.)

32.WhatiftheKnickschoseRickBarry

overBillBradleyin1965?

Amemorable college player andpotential boxoffice draw,BradleygraduatedfromPrincetonandheadedrighttoEngland,whereheplannedonspendingtwo

years on a prestigiousRhodesScholarship atOxford.There’s a big differencebetweenwaitingforafranchisecenterfortwoyears(likeDavidRobinson)andwaiting for a slow small forward, right? It’s unclear if Bradley was a betterprospect than Barry (a scoring machine at the University of San Francisco);maybe he was a bigger name and the Knicks desperately needed some starpower,butthattwo-yearwaitnullifiedeveryBradleyadvantage,inmyopinion.10 Had the Knicks taken Barry, maybe their feel-good ’70 title season neverhappens,butmaybeBarrynevergetslowballedandmakeshisstupidjumptotheABA(orlosesthreeyearsofhisprimebecauseofinjuriesandlawsuits).

Andifyouwanttogettechnical,Barrywasthesecond-bestpassingforwardofalltimebehindLarryLegend;ifanyonecouldhavefitinseamlesslywiththoseKnicks teams, it’s him. One of two extremes would have played out: eitherBarry goes down as one of the twelve greatest players ever and aNewYorkicon,orhegoesdownasatemperamental,annoyingassholewhomeveryoneinNewYorkdespisedbeforehefinallygotdrivenoutoftownforeyeballingWillisReedafteradroppedpass,thengettingthrownintothefifteenthrowatMSGbyWillis.It’soneortheother.

31.WhatifDetroitTookCarmeloAnthonyoverDarkoMilicic?

ThePistonslandedthesecondpickin’03andtargetedDarkorightaway;theyalready had a keeper at small forward (Tayshaun Prince) and needed sizebecause they were still eight months away from Danny Ainge gift-wrappingRasheed Wallace for them. Of course, many thought they were making afranchise-altering mistake (including me), which opens the door for what-ifpotential. If ’Melogoes toDetroit, youknowwhat happens?Detroit loses the’04 title. He screws up their chemistry and threatens Prince’s confidence justenough thatwewouldn’t have seen the samePistons team that fileted the ’04Lakers.Also,Browncoached’Melointhe2004Olympicsandtheyloathedeachother to the degree that a bitter ’Melo went into a yearlong tailspin. Do youreally think theseguyswouldn’thaveclashed inDetroit?Comeon.Can’tyousee ’Melopoutingon the benchduring an ’04playoff gamewhile a confused

Ben Wallace stands near him, wonders whether to say something, then justwalks away? The long-term effect: Brown quits; ’Melo or Prince gets traded;thatDetroitnucleusofHamilton-Billups-Wallace-WallacenevermakesaFinals;Darko gets major minutes on a lottery team in his formative years andpotentiallyturnsintosomethingotherthanamopeydunktank;the“FreeDarko”blogisnamedsomethinglike“FreeDarius”;andIneverwritejokeslike“Doesanyone else think NBA Entertainment should make a DVD called ‘UltimateDarko,’featuringeverygarbagetimeminutethatDarkoplayedthisseason,plussomeofhisbesthigh-fivesandshoulderslapsonthePistonsbench,alongwithdirector’s commentary from Darko, LaRue Martin, Sam Bowie and SteveStipanovich?”Intheironyofironies,pickingthewrongguyendedupwinningDetroit that one championship. As for the “What if they had taken Bosh orWade?”argument, therewasadefinitive top threeat the time (LeBron,Darkoand Carmelo), and Detroit would have been skewered for taking anyone elsesecond.Thoseguysdidn’thavethesamevalue.WhenIfoundChadFord’s2003pick-by-pickanalysisonlinerecently,11Iwasremindedthat(a)MiamistunnedeveryonebytakingWadeatnumberfiveand(b)therewasarealdebateatthetimewhetherBoshwouldeverputonenoughweighttobeanythingmorethanthenextKeonClark.SosayingthattheycouldhavehadWadeorBoshwiththatpick is unfair unless you’re making the argument Detroit should have tradeddown.There’snowayWadeorBoshwasgoingsecondinthatdraft.None.12

30.WhatiftheMavsresignedSteveNashin2004?

At the time, I defended Dallas for letting Nash leave because (a) he hadn’tlooked good in the previous two playoffs and (b) $60million seemed like anobscene amount of money for a thirty-one-year-old point guard with backproblems.WhatIdidn’tdefendwasDallassubsequentlyusingthatfoundmoney(andmore)tothrow$73millionatErickDampier,who’ssuchadogthatPETAmonitorsallDallaspracticestomakesureheisn’tmistreated.Ifyou’rethrowingmoney around, throw it at Nash over Dampier, right?13 Dallas also fatallyunderestimated the rule changes that transformedNash into a two-timeMVP.HadtheykeptNashandAntawnJamison(dealtforJerryStackhouseandDevinHarris)andstillmade theAntoineWalker/JasonTerry trade, that’s suddenlyamonsterroster(Nash,Nowitzki,Jamison,Terry,JoshHoward,DeSaganaDiop,

VeteranFreeAgentXandFebruaryBuyoutGuyXyearafteryearafteryear)aswellas the league’s singlemostentertaining team(and that’sbeforeweget towhat-if number 13). Looking back, it’s peculiar that Mark Cuban played the“fiscalresponsibility”cardwithNashrightbeforespendingrecklesslyonathieflikeDampier. Ihaveagreatdealof respect forCubanasabusinessmanandathinker, but other than passing on Nash, he spent the decade making it rainPacman-style—onlycomingclose toa title in2006,when theMaverickswererobbed—and the window closed with a nine-figure payroll and no hope forturning things around unless Jason Kidd gets placed on an accelerated HGHprogramwhilewe’reprintingthisbook.Toobad.Oneofmy

“BucketList” sports goals in lifewas towatch a pissed-offDavidStern handCubantheFinalstrophywhileCubansobbedlikeRockyattheendofRockyII.

29.WhatifJohnThompsonnever

screwedupthe’88Olympics?

Astheyearspassed,anurbanlegendwasspawnedaboutthatdefeat,somethingabout“theteamwasn’ttalentedenough,”whicheventuallyledtothedawningofthe original DreamTeam in 1992. In thewords of JohnMcLaughlin,wrong!They had a franchise center (David Robinson), a franchise forward (DannyManning, the number one pick that year), two reliable shooters (MitchRichmond andHerseyHawkins) and two athletic swingmenwhowereperfectforinternationalplay(DanMajerleandStaceyAugmon).ButThompsonkilledtheir chances by picking point guards Charles Smith (his own guy fromGeorgetown) 14 and Bimbo Coles over Tim Hardaway (my God), MookieBlaylock, Dana Barros, Rod Strickland, Steve Kerr and even high schoolerKenny Anderson. He willingly sacrificed outside shooting and the slash-and-kickgame(onlytwoofthemostcrucialingredientstointernationalsuccess)sohe could play a pressure defense that fell right into the hands of the cageyRussians(whothrivedonballmovementandopenthree-pointers).Savvy.

Thiswasoneofthoseraremiscalculationswhereeveryonebracedforacollapsewellbeforeithappened.Imean,wewereallworried.AndafterRussiatoppled

usinthesemisandweleftSeoulwithabronze,everyoneplayedthe“Screwit,weneedtosendthepros!”cardinsteadofblamingThompsonandsaying,“Let’snever give a coach that kind of roster power again.” 15But you knowwhat?Thompson’s incompetence spawned the first Dream Team—a transcendentsummer for the NBA and a tipping point for international basketball—andeverythingthatcameafterward, includingindefensiblebehaviorbyourboysin’96 and ’02 and an embarrassing butt-whupping byArgentina that forced thepowers that be to crack down on assholism and stop slapping togetherpurposeless All-Star teams. Ultimately, it made our product better, and onceforeign countries started catching up to us, howmany fledgling careers wereignited in Germany, Spain, Argentina, Lithuania, and everywhere else? AllbecauseJohnThompsonblewthegoldmedal.Thankyou,John.Ithink.

28.WhatifMinnesotadidn’tpissoff

KevinGarnettbyquietlyshopping

himbeforethe’07draft?

Here’swhathappens:KGglumlyreturnstoanothercrappyT-Wolvesteamforafewmonths (maybemore),opening thedoor forBoston to trumpLosAngelesfor PauGasol in February and teamhimwithPaul Pierce,RajonRondo,RayAllenandAlJefferson.NotaFinalsteam…butnotabadteameither,right?16MaybetheCelticscouldhavejustmadetheKGtradeinFebruaryusingthesameplayers,butwould ithavebeenaseffective?Remember,BostonsignedJamesPoseyandEddieHouseatdiscountsonceKGwasaboard—that’snothappeningwithoutthetrade—andwouldhavehadanear-impossibletimepullingoffasix-for-one deal midseason with both rosters already filled. Throw in KG’s tradekickerand thatdealdoesn’thappenuntil thesummer.By that time theCelticswouldhavemovedonGasolor…

(Waitforit…)

(Waitforit…)

Kobe.

RememberKobe’shissyfitbeforethe’08seasonthatspurredtheLakerstoshophim around, only nobodywouldmeet their asking price (anAll-Star plus capspace plus picks)? If the Celtics hadn’t traded for Garnett, they could haveofferedPaulPierce,TheoRatliff’sexpiringcontract,theirnumberoneandtheirrightstoafutureMinnesotanumberoneforKobeandtworelativelyunfriendlycontracts (Brian Cook and Vlad Radmanovic). Boston would have kept afoundationofKobe,RayAllen,Jefferson,KendrickPerkinsandRajonRondo;the Lakers would have replaced Kobe with another All-Star and gotten threenumber ones (including Minnesota’s future pick, which could have beenvaluable)and$20millionofexpiringcontractswithRatliffandKwameBrown(already on their roster) to make a run at Garnett or Gasol. Since PierceoutplayedKobeinthe2008Finals,canyouimagineifthishappenedwithPierce(andmaybeevenKG)ontheLakersandKobeontheCeltics?

ObviouslyIenjoythewayitworkedout:Garnett revivedbasketball inBostonandwon a title; Pierce redefined his career; Kobe calmed down andwon theMVPbeforegaggingintheFinals;theLakershijackedGasolandriledeveryoneup (I’m still riled, actually);17 both Phoenix and Dallas panicked and madecontroversial“I’mgoingallinwiththeseeights”tradesforShaqandKidd(thenimploded in the playoffs); Miami dumped Shaq’s contract and kicked offTankapalooza2008;ShawnMarionbecamethefirstprofessionalathletetoseempleasedgoingfromateamwitha.700winningpercentagetoateamwitha.200winning percentage; and the Lakers and Celtics made ABC $325 billion bymeeting in the Finals.And none of it happens if the T-Wolves don’t piss offGarnettinthesummerof’07.

27.WhatifRonArtestnevercharged

intothestandsinDetroit?

I can’t believewemade it this far in the bookwithout paying homage to themostunfathomableNBAmomentofthedecade.Consider:

•It’stheonlysportingeventfrom1997to2008thatpromptedmetowritetwoseparatecolumnswithin36hours.IfwebuiltaHallofFameforJaw-DroppingTVNights inMyLifetime,myoriginal inductionwouldincludeO.J.’sBroncoChase (the Babe Ruth of this idea), the first Tyson-Holyfield fight, PrincessDiana’s limo accident, Buckwheat’s assassination by John David Stutts, thenightGordonJumptriedtomolestDudleyandArnoldonDiff’rentStrokes,andtheArtestmelee.ThosewillalwaysbetheBigSix,atleastforme.18

• The clip has been watched and rewatched almost as many times as theZapruder film. It’s also been removed from YouTube for violating copyrightrestrictions more than any other NBA-related clip other than Game 6 of theLakers-Kingsseries.19

•AlongwiththeTimDonaghyscandalandthetimeDariusMilesgaveSternafull-body,genitals-to-genitalshugduringthe2000draft,it’sthemosttraumaticevent of David Stern’s reign as commissioner (he even admits as much) andchangedtherulesaboutplayer-faninteractionsfortherestofNBAeternity.

•Fromacomedystandpoint,itcatapultedbothArtestandStephenJacksonintothe Tyson Zone, gave us the phrase “pulling anArtest” for eternity and evenallowedustoimaginewhat lifewouldbelikeifJermaineO’Nealcouldpunchout Turtle fromEntourage. Jackson ended up winning the ComedyMVP forsomehow coming off crazier than the guy who charged into the stands,challengingtheentirePistonsteam,throwingwildhaymakersinthestandsandbasicallyturningintotheTokenCrazyGuyinaBasebrawlFightmultipliedby100.WhenJacksonleftthearenawavinghisarmslikeaprowrestleraspeopledumped beer on him, I think he shattered theMyGod,ThatGuy Is FreakingCrazy!

recordinprofessionalsports.

•FromanI-knew-this-could-happenstandpoint,put it thisway: ifyouscrolledthrough the lineups of all thirty teams before the 2005 season, then asked

yourself,“Whatpairofteammateswouldbethemostlikelycandidatestostartafightinthestands,eventuallyleadingtotheugliestsequenceinNBAhistory?”theheavy favoriteswouldhavebeenArtestandJackson in Indiana,withZachRandolphandRubenPattersonadistantsecondinPortland.MaybeitwasaHallofFameTVnight,butatnopointdidanyonewhofollowstheNBAonaregularbasis say to themselves, “I can’t believe RonArtest and Stephen Jackson aretakingonRow3inthePalacerightnow!”

• Another underrated and slightly silly side effect: it was one of the mostmemorablemoments infantasysportshistory.ImaginetakingRonwithoneofyourtoppicks,thenwatchinghimchargeintothestandsafewweekslater.Wait,Ron…Ron…

noooooooooooooo-oooooooooooo!

• Adam Carolla had a funny take: imagine being the first guy who wasmistakenlyattackedbyArtest.You’vebeenwatchingtheseguysfortwohours,you’reprettybuzzed,you’re loving theseats…andthen this fightbreaksout,it’srivetingashell, itkeepsgoing,andthensuddenlyArtestgetsnailedbythecup and he’s coming right at you.AsCarolla said, itwould be likewatchingCaptainHook inthemoviesfortwohours,thenCaptainHookcomesrightoutofthemoviescreenandattacksyou.Wouldyouhaveblamedthatfirstguyforsoilinghimself?

Soyouhaveall those thingsalready inplay, followedby thewhat-ifpotentialthat emerged afterward. Right before the melee, the Pacers had just finishedthrottlingthePistonsandstakingtheirclaimas“TheTeamtoBeatin2005.”Inthe span of five minutes, everything went down the drain … and if youremember, the shoddy ’05 Finals between San Antonio and Detroit ranksalongside the ’94 Finals and the ’76 Finals on theWait, AreWe Sure TheseWeretheBestTwoTeams?Scale.There’snowaytoproveit,butIwillalwaysbelieve Indiana had the best 2005 teameven if theywere predisposed to self-combusting. Whatever. From that moment on, professional basketball waseffectively murdered in Indiana. In retrospect, Larry Bird probably feels likeArtest and Jackson charged into the stands and started beating the hell out ofhim.That’sbasicallywhathappened.20

26.WhatifJasonKiddacceptedSanAntonio’s

$87millionofferduringthesummerof’03?

Evenwhenyou’reassavvyasGreggPopovichandR.C.Buford,youstillneedsome luck. The Spurs won titles in ’05 and ’07 without Kidd and were onemiracleplay(Fisher’sthree-pointerin

’04)andonebrainlessplay(Manu’sfoulonNowitzkiin’06)fromwinningfourstraight.AssumingtheylandKiddin’03,theydefinitelydealTonyParkerthatsummerordowntheroad(notagood thing)anddon’thaveenoughmoney topayGinobiliwithouttriggeringtheluxurytax(definitelynotagoodthingsincethey’re a refuse-to-pay-the-tax team).Kidd’s personal life could have screweduptheirchemistrytosomedegreebecausehisthen-wifewasalegendaryprimadonna, andgoing fromParker (congenial) toKidd (passive-aggressivemoody)wouldhavejeopardizedthefragilebalanceoftalent/personality/selflessnessthatmadeSanAntoniososuccessfulinthefirstplace.DotheSpurswinmorethantwotitleswithKidd?Fewerthantwo?

None?21

Here’swhatwe know: From 2004 to 2006, the upgrade from Parker toKiddwouldn’thavemadeupforthecaphitandlossofdepth.From2006to2009,youwouldmuchratherhavespent$40

million on Tony Parker than twice asmuch on a declining JasonKidd.22 SoPopovichandBuforddodgedabazookabulletonthisone.Andsincewe’rehere…

25.What ifTimDuncan signedwithOrlando in 2000 toplaywithGrantHill?

Andtothink,italmosthappened.IfDuncansignswithOrlando,thatswingsthetitle in three seasons (’03, ’05 and ’07)… and with Hill missing games andkillingOrlando’scap,suddenlyDuncanwouldhavebeenemulatingKG’scareerandsquanderinghisprimeonaseriesofundermannedteams.Thosetwowouldhave been mirror images of each other—Duncan wasting away in the East,GarnettwastingawayintheWest—aswespentthoseyearswonderingwhogotmorescrewedandwhodidmorewithless.Badtimesallaround.23Also,wherewould T-Mac have landed if Orlando chose Duncan and Hill?Maybe in SanAntoniotoreplaceDuncan?AndwhatiftheystilldraftedGinobiliandParker?CouldtheyhavewonatitlewiththosethreeguysandRobinsonin2003?CouldtheyhaveevenmadetheFinalswithoutadominantbigguy?

Hmmmmmm.

(Note:Iwouldhaverankedthisonehigher,butit’sunclearifDuncanwaseverthatclose to joiningOrlando.Couldyouseehimwinninga title, thenditchinghisteammatesforabiggerpaycheckinFlorida?Meneither.)24

24.WhatifMJneverplayedwiththeWizards?

Inthebigschemeofthings,nobiggie.ButimaginehowcoolitwouldhavebeenifGame6ofthe

’98 Finals—MJ winning the title by himself and ending his career with thelayup-steal-jumper sequence—was our last basketball memory of MichaelJordan?ThatWashingtoncomebackmadehimseemmortal,clutteredourbrainwitha fewunpleasantmemories,hurthiscareerhistorically (even ifwedidn’trealize it) andopened thedoor foradecadeof ludicrous“Kobe/LeBronmighteven be better thanMJ!” arguments.Which leads me to my world-renownedKurtCobainTheory:Part of the reasonNirvanagained steamhistoricallywasbecauseCobainkilledhimself at the perfect time, right after InUtero and theMTVUnpluggedalbum,whenhewashookedondrugsandslowlygoinginsane.

Hadhehungaroundandsurvived,wewouldhavebeen treated toa fewrehabstints, some bizarre behavior, a messy/bloody/violent breakup with CourtneyLovethatwouldhavelandedoneofthem(orboth)injail,atleasttwoincoherentalbums that every annoying Cobain fanatic would have defended as “genius,man, pure genius,” followed by a six-year disappearance and an eventualbooking onCelebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, where he definitely would havehooked upwithMaryCarey.Hewould havemade ScottWeiland seemmorebubbly than the dudes fromWham! After enduring his pathetic downfall fortwelveor fourteenyears,wouldwestillbehailingCobainasamusicalgeniusand crediting himas the father of alternativemusic?Noway!Hewould havebeenjustanotherdruggiemusicianwhothrewawayhiscareer.25

Ifyoudon’tbelieveme,lookhowweregardedMichaelJacksonbeforehedied—the freak of freaks, a celebrity cautionary tale, a creepy (alleged) childmolester—eventhoughasrecentlyas1987weagreedthatJacksonwasthemosttalented pop artist ever. Or consider how Eddie Murphy would have beenrememberedhistoricallyhadheperished inaplanecrash twomonthsafter the1988releaseofComingtoAmerica.Memoriesaffectperceptionsforbetterandworse. They do. Our last Cobain memory was that MTV special, just ananguished, captivating, overwhelmingly talented dude delivering the bestUnpluggedofalltime.That’soneofthethingsthathelpedhimendure.AndourlastJordanmemoryshouldhavebeentheswipeofMaloneandthejumperoverBryonRussell.Alas.

23.WhatifJohnHavlicekdidn’tgetinjuredduringthe’73EasternFinals?

Iknow,Iknow…Ipromisedthatwewouldavoidinjury-relatedwhat-ifs.The’73 Celtics finished 68–14 (the fourth-best record ever) and had their mostdominant team of the Cowens/Havlicek era. Hondo separated his shootingshoulder inGame3of theKnicksseries,missedtherestof thatgameplus thenextone(bothBostonlosses)andplayedleft-handedforthelastthree,withtheCeltics still stretching it to seven before the Knicks finally realized, “Wait,Hondoisplayingwithonehand—let’shoundhimeverytimehehastheball!”SotheCelticssufferedtheirfirst-everGame7

defeatattheGarden,withtheKnicksbeatinganagingLakersteamintheFinals.ThattrophybelongedtoBoston;consideringHondoplayed1,442ofapossible1,475games (includingplayoffs), the fact thathisonlymajor injury insixteenseasonshappenedatthatspecificpointintimeranksamongthebiggestflukesinNBAhistory.Whenanover-the-hillCeltics teamstumbled into the’76 title, itwasalmostliketheNBAgodswerepayingthembackforrobbingthemin

’73.26

Justknow thiswas theonly flukypost-shot-clock injury that almostdefinitelyswungatitle.Dothe

’58CelticsbeattheHawksifRusselldidn’tsprainhisankleearlyintheseries?Maybe… but we don’t know. Do the ’88 Pistons topple the Lakers if Isiahdoesn’tsprainanankleinthethirdquarterofGame6?Maybe…buttheLakersstillhadhomecourtinGames6and7(andMagicandWorthyintheirprimes).Dothe’87CelticsbeattheLakersifMcHaledidn’tbreakhisfoot?Dothe

’83LakershangwithPhillyifWorthydidn’tbreakhisleg?Couldthe’04Lakershave held offDetroit ifKarlMalone didn’t hurt his knee?Do the ’85CelticsbeattheLakersifBirddidn’tinjurehisshootinghandinabarfight?27Wouldthe’03Mavshavewona title ifNowitzkididn’tgethurt?Whatabout the’99KnickswithEwing?Could the ’96Magichavehungwith theBulls ifHoraceGrant didn’t get hurt in the first half of Game 1? Could the ’62 Sixers havebeatenBoston ifWiltdidn’t injurehishand trying topunchTommyHeinsohn(andhittingateammateinstead)?

Therearenodefinitiveanswers.Wedon’tknow.Withthe’73Celtics,weknow:they had the best team, the best player (Hondo) and the reigningMVP (DaveCowens).EvengettinghalfaseriesfromHondo(and40percentofHondowhenheplayed),thatseriesstillwentseven.Whatdoesthattellyou?

22.WhatifWiltendedupontheLakersinsteadoftheSixersin1965?

WecoveredthisstoryintheWilt-Russellchapter.(Andby“we,”Imeanme.)28

Yup,Wilt, Elgin, and Jerry could have become teammates four years soonerthanitactuallyhappened.Anditdidn’thappenforaremarkablereason.Forgetabout the potential playoff ramifications; can you imagine howmuch damageWiltwouldhavedoneinHollywoodinhissexualprime?Hewouldhavebeenthrowing his cock around like it was a boomerang. I’m almost positive thatElizabethTaylorandRaquelWelchwouldhavebeenclunkedinthefacewithit.Thatprobablyhappenedanyway.Let’sjustmoveon.

21.WhatifKobesignedwiththeClippersin2004?

The Clippers fervently believed Kobe was coming—remember, this was thesamesummerwhenKobewasgettingblamedbyeveryoneforpushingoutShaqand Phil Jackson—until he broke their hearts by changing course at the lastminute.Other than theLakersofferinganextrayearandslightlymoremoney,wasanythingelseoffered tohelp stopKobe from joiningayoungerandmoretalentedClippers team?Are the rumors true that theLakers illegallypromisedKobe a postretirement piece of the Lakers?29 Were the Lakers reluctant topursueKobeoffersbeforethe

’08seasonbecauseofsomethingpromisedduringthose’04negotiations?It’sallhypothetical,andwe’llneverknowforsureuntilKoberetiresandwelearnifheearned theMagic JohnsonMemorialOwnershipDiscount fromDr. Buss. ButeveryoneworkingfortheClippersfeelslikesomethinghappenedtotrumptheirofferbeyondthedollarfigures.Theyjustdon’tknowwhat.30

Regardless,thiswasthebiggestmomentinClippershistory,thetimetheycamewithin a hair of stealing Kobe and completely changing the face of probasketballinLosAngelesasweknewit.ThesecondbiggestmomentwaswhentheysignedBillWalton…whoplayed167games in sixyearsand topped55once.Thethirdhappenedin thesecondroundof the’06playoffs,needingonestoptosecuretheseries,whenMikeDunleavystuckanice-coldrookienamedDanielEwingonRajaBellandblewtheironechanceatanextendedplayoffrun.The fourthwaswhen they lost a decidingGame5 in 1990 andESPNClassicshowedthegamefifteenyearslater.(That’sright,theClipsonESPNClassic!)

Thefifthwasafive-waytiebetweenthetimesMarquesJohnson,DerekSmith,NormNixon,ShaunLivingston,andDannyManningblewouttheirknees.AndthesixthwaswhenInearlymadeahalf-courtshotataClippersgameforE:60.NotafunthreedecadesfortheClipsinCalifornia.

20.What if theLakers pickedDominiqueWilkins over JamesWorthy inthe1982draft?

Thedefendingchampswerepickingfirstthankstoahead-scratchingtradewithCleveland.31

Desperatelyneedingyoungbloodattheforwardspot,theLakersluckedintotheperfectdraftforthatwishlist—Worthy,TerryCummingsand’Niquewentone-two-three—ultimatelyoptingforWorthy’sall-aroundexcellenceandexperienceover ’Nique’supsideandexplosiveness.32Youknowwhat’ssurprising?Thiswasn’tapopularchoiceat the time.NBAfansweredroolingat the thoughtof’Nique(oneofthemostthrillingcollegeplayersevertothatpoint)runningthewing withMagic, Nixon and the Showtime Lakers. But an unhappyWilkinscould have imploded them and the Lakers didn’t want to take the chance; hedidn’thelphiscausebyrefusingtoplayfor theClips(pickingsecond)orJazz(picking third). Knowing what we know now, it’s just far-fetched to imagine’Niquegivingupshots,deferring toKareemandbreakinga sweatondefense.Thenagain,maybeRileyandMagiccouldhavechangedhisways(afterall,theysalvagedMcAdoo’scareerandhewasinfinitelymoreselfishthan’Nique),andhad they done so, the ceiling of those Showtime Lakers teams climbs a levelbecause’Niquewassuchanelectricplayerandunstoppablescorer.Beyondthat,MagicwouldhavemadehimbetterandtheymighthavebrokentherecordforMost Alley-Oops That Brought the House Down. Shit, we might have spent1985to1993havingJordan-Dominiqueargumentsthatcenteredaround“Who’sbetter?”insteadof“Who’sabetterdunker?”

Had the Lakers taken Wilkins, his career would have been remembereddifferently:eitherbetterorworse,butdefinitelynotthesame.Wecanagreeonthat.We can also agree thatWorthywould have been the big loser here: the

Clipperswouldhavetakenhimsecond,thenUtahwouldhavetakenCummingsthirdbecausehecouldplaybothforwardspots(infact, theytookThurlBaileythenextyearforthesamereason).Instead,Worthywentfirst,Cummingswentsecond and poor Utah had to trade number three to Atlanta for John Drew,FreemanWilliamsand$750,000inadealthatseemedawfulevenbeforeDrewentered rehab a fewmonths later and admitted he’d been freebasing for threesolid years. (Way to do your homework, Utah!) Has there ever been a best-case/worst-case draft scenario that rivals James Worthy landing on the ’83Lakersinsteadofthe’83Clippers?Insteadofwinningthreerings,aFinalsMVPandNBA’s50at50honors,hewouldhavejoinedawoefulClippersteam,fallenpreytotheClippersjinx,blownouthiskneeintwenty-nineplaceswithinthreeyears and missed every one of Magic Johnson’s postgame Laker orgies. Weneverwouldhaveutteredthewords“BigGameJames.”Ever.33

19.WhatifAtlantatookChrisPaulwiththenumbertwopickofthe2005draft?

We knew thiswas anAretha Franklin-sizedmistake at the time because Paulwas thebestplayer in the’05draftand,more importantly,Atlantadesperatelyneeded a point guard! 34 But with Paul turning into a franchise guy andEvolutionaryIsiah,it’sslowlybecomingthepoorman’sversionofBowie-over-MJ for this generation of hoop fans, a relatively inexplicable decision thatbecame between ten and twenty timesmore inexplicable as the years passed.With the supporting talent theHawks alreadyhad in place (Joe Johnson, JoshSmith,etc.),youcouldn’tpickabetterteamforhim.Youreallycouldn’t.35It’ssafetosayCP3willbehauntingAtlantafansforyearstocome.All527ofthem.

Buthere’swhatwehaven’tmadeenoughof…

18.WhatifPortlandtookChrisPaulwiththenumberthreepick?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh…youforgotaboutthisone,huh?PortlandsentthatpicktoUtahforthenumbersixpick(MartellWebster), thenumbertwenty-sevenpick(LinusKleiza)anda2006

numberone(thenumberthirtypick,JoelFreeland).Solet’ssaytheBlazershadjustkeptnumberthreeandpickedPaul,whichwouldhavemadesensebecause,youknow,hewasthebestplayerinthedraftandall.They’restillalotteryteamthe following season, although probably not quite as bad;maybe they end upwith Rudy Gay at number eight instead of Aldridge at number four. They’redefinitely better in ’07,maybe a fringe playoff team, so let’s takeOden awayfromthemandgivethemthenumbertwelvepick(ThaddeusYoung)thatyear.Sowhichfoundationwouldyouratherhaveifyou’reaPortlandfan?

Scenario A: Oden, Aldridge, Webster, Roy, Travis Outlaw, Jarrett Jack, JoelPrzybilla,therightstoRudyFernandezandPaulAllen’sbillions

ScenarioB:Paul,Roy,Gay,Outlaw,Przybilla,Jack,Young,therightstoRudyFernandezandPaulAllen’sbillions

Hmmmmmm.PaulandRoyasyourbackcourtforthenextsixtoeightyears?36Couldthathaveworkedwhenbothguysneedtheballintheirhands?(Possibly.)Wouldtheyhavehadenoughsize?(Fromthelooksofit,no.)Wouldtheyhaveplayedamorewide-openstyleandwould ithaveworked? (With the talentonhand, I say yes.) Anyway, if Portland takes Paul, that sets off a crazy chainreaction: New Orleans ending up with DeronWilliams instead of Paul; Utahnevergettingafranchisepointguard;OdenandAldridgelandinginothercities;maybeRoynotturningintoafranchiseguardplayingsecondfiddletoPaul;andmaybePaulnotbeingquiteasdrivenbecausehe’snotastickedoffforthenextfewyearsafterthreeteamspassedonhim.37Ilikethewayitworkedout.

17.What if theKnicks bought Julius Erving’s contract from the Nets in1976?

After the ABA merger happened, the Nets made an intriguing offer to theKnickerbockers:He’syours if youwaiveour territorial penalty ($480,000peryearfortenyears).AlreadysaddledwiththeexpensiveHaywoodcontract, theKnicks turned them down and set their franchise back seven solid years. 38PhillyboughtDocfor$3millionandpoorDoccoexistedwithoverhypedguys,ballhogs,headcasesandunderachieversforthenextthreeyears, toodignifiedandtoounselfishtofightthemforshots.Soreally,thiscouldn’thaveturnedoutworse unless Doc also knocked up a white female sportswriter covering theSixersanddidn’tpubliclyacknowledgetheirdaughteruntilshebecameatennisstarsixteenyearslater.

(Hey,waitasecond…)

One more wrinkle: the Nets settled that territorial fee two years later byswappingthefourthpickinthe’78draft(MichealRayRichardson)39andtheirnumber one pick in 1979 (eventually Larry Demic at number nine) for thethirteenth pick in 1978 (Winford Boynes), Phil Jackson, all of Phil Jackson’sweedandasettlementfortheremainingmoney.Ifyouwanttogettechnical,thishadadoubleimpactbecause,beforethe’83season,theKnickssignedBernardKingtoa$4.5million,five-yearoffersheet thatGoldenStatematched,finallyagreeingtosendKingtotheKnicksfor…

(drumroll,please)…MichealRayRichardson!40SomaybetheKnicksscrewedupbynotgettingDoc,butitledtotwowildlyentertainingMichealRayyears,one “What the hell iswrongwithMichealRay?” season, one extremely goodBernard season, then one and a half life-alteringBernard years. That’s not sobad,right?

16.WhatifKobewasconvictedofsexualassault

insteadofsettlingwithhisaccuser

outofcourtforbigbucks?

Whoops, I forgot: four years ago, everyone in theLosAngeles area agreed topretendthisneverhappened.Nowtheyactperturbedifanyoneelsebringsitup(orbroachesit).IliveinL.A.rightnow,sounfortunately,Ihavetofollowthecode.When Imove back East someday, we’ll update this section in the nextprinting.Staytuned.

15.WhatiftheSunsdidn’tscrewupapotentialNashdynastywithsomeofthecheapestandmostperplexingmovesevermade?

Iwantedtoavoidplayingthe“Whatifthefrontofficedidthisinsteadofthis?”gamebecauseit’ssosubjective,butPhoenix’sbipolargameplanfrom2004to2008hadtobecommemoratedinsomeway.Here’sadetailedlook.

1.DuringthesamesummertheysignedNash,Phoenixtradedtheseventhpickinthe’04

Draft(andachancetotakeeitherLuolDengorAndreIguodala)toChicagofor$3

millionanda2006numberone.Oneweeklater,theysignedQuentinRichardsontoasix-year,$42.6milliondeal,eventhoughtheycouldhavedraftedDengorIguodalaandpaideitherof themone-thirdwhatRichardsonwasgetting.Theykept Richardson for one year before swapping Q and their twenty-first pick(NateRobinson)inthe’05drafttotheKnicksforKurtThomas.Twosummerslater,theydumpedThomasonSeattlealongwithtwonumberonesjusttoshedhim off their cap for tax purposes. As astounding as this sounds, BryanColangelo’s decision to sign Richardson instead of just drafting Deng orIguodala—which was dumb at the time, by the way—ended up costing themfourfirst-roundpicks!WouldyouratherhaveRichardson,orwouldyouratherhavethenumbersevenpickin2004,thenumbertwenty-onepickin2005,andfirst-roundersin2008and2010?Ithoughtso.41

2.PhoenixlowballedJoeJohnsonsoinsultinglythatheaskedthemnottomatchAtlanta’s

$70millionfreeagentoffer, leadingtoPhoenixacceptingBorisDiawandtwofuturefirst-roundersforhim.SotheSunshadjustcomewithintwowinsofthe’05Finalsandbuiltarun-and-gunidentity;suddenlytheyweredealingatwenty-four-year-old potential All-Star, the perfect swingman for their system and adeadly shooter who could even play backup point guard, and they were onlygettingbackabenchplayerand twofuturepicks?Also,howcould theybotchthe Johnson situation so badly that he asked to leave?With Nash, Amar’e,MarionandJohnson,you’resetfortherestofthedecade.That’sit.That’syourcore.That’syourguaranteefor57-pluswinsayearandaspecificstylethatcanwork. Surround them with role players and veteran buyout guys and you’recontendinguntilNashbreaksdown,andeventhen,youcanjustshifttheoffenseovertoJohnsonasthemaincreator.Howcanyougivethatguyup?Sowhatifhe’s insultedanddoesn’twant tocomeback?He’llgetover it!You’repayinghim$14

millionayearandhegetstoplaywithSteveNash!Arrrrrrrrgh.42

3. Instead of pickingRajonRondowith the twenty-first pick in ’06 (the pickacquiredfromChicago),theyshippedhisrightstoBostonforCleveland’s2007numberoneand

$1.9million.A fewweeks later, theygaveMarcusBanks$24million.Wouldyou rather have a potential up-and-comer like Rondo for cheap money or aproventurdlikeBanksforfivetimesasmuch?Toughcall.Ifyoujusthadaheadinjury.4.TheygaveDiawafive-year,$45millionextensionthatsummer,whichmeant theDiaw/Banks combo now earned asmuchmoney every year as JoeJohnson. Awesome. 5. So the Iguodala/Deng/Rondo pick became numbertwenty-fourinthe’07draft…andnaturally,theSunssoldittoPortlandfor$3million. Why didn’t they just take Spanish star Rudy Fernandez (Portland’spick)?Youcan’tplaytheluxurytaxcardbecauseFernandezwasn’tplanningonjoining theNBA for at least a year; itwould have been savvy if Phoenix hadstashed him in Europe as an asset down the road. Instead, owner Sarverannouncedtohisfans,“Screwyou,I’dratherhavethe$3million,I’mtakingthecash.”Oneyearlater,Fernandezwouldhavebeenatop-tenpickafterlightingitup inSpain;heevengave theRedeemTeameverything itcouldhandle in the2008

Olympics.Canyouquantifythedamagethere?43

I hate delving into theMartyMcFly Zonewhenmany of the aforementionedscrewupswereinterrelated,butlet’sfigureouthowtheSunscouldhaveturnedout if cheapskate owner Robert Sarver didn’t sign off on the aforementionedbipolargameplanin2004.Weknowforsurethattheycouldhavehadasix-mannucleus of Nash, Marion, Stoudemire, Johnson, Leandro Barbosa andDeng/Iguodalafrom2004 to thepresent thatshouldn’thavebeen touched,andweknowtheydumpedfirst-roundersin’05,’06and’08fortaxpurposes.Evenif they surrounded that nucleuswith draft picks,minimum-wage veterans andFebruarybuyoutguysanddidnothingelse,wouldn’ttheyhavebeenpositionedfortheshorttermandlongtermbetterthananyfranchiseinthelatterhalfofthisdecade? The bigger question: why own an NBA team if you’re going to cutcosts?What’sthepoint?Whywouldthatbefun?Sopeoplecouldstareatyouduringdinnerandwhisper,“Hey,that’sthecheap-asswhoownstheSuns”?Thispissesmeoff.Whatawastedchance,andwhatawasteofNash’sprime.

(NotetothePhoenixfans:Youcannowlightyourselvesonfire.)

14. What if Orlando had kept Chris Webber’s draft rights instead oftradinghim?

Rememberwhen theMagic defied 1-in-66 odds towin the ’93 lottery, givingthem the number one pick for the second straight year in maybe the biggeststrokeofluckinNBAhistory?SinceWebberwastheidealcomplementtoShaq(agreatpasserwhocouldplaythehighpost,crashtheboards,runtheflooranddefend the rim), we spent the next few weeks wondering how anyone couldmatch up with Shaq,Webber, Nick Anderson, Dennis Scott and Lord knowswhoelseover thenext ten to twelveyears.MagicGMPatWilliamshadotherideas: he was swayed by Penny Hardaway’s workout right before the draft,whichWilliamsdescribedafterwardbysaying,“I’veneverseensomeonecomeinanddothethingsthatPennyHardawaydidinthatworkout.”44Ondraftday,Williams shockedeveryoneby swapping the first pick toGoldenState for thethirdpickoverallandfirst-roundersin’96,’98and’00,amovethatwaswidely

pannedatthetimeandnearlycausedariotinOrlando.NoNBAtradereceivedmoreattention,wentinmoredirectionsoveraten-yearspanandspawnedmorewhat-ifs.WebberbattledwithWarriorscoachDonNelsonconstantlyasarookie(Webberwantedtoplayforward,Nelliewantedhimtoplaycenter)duringa50-win season in which Tim Hardaway was recovering from a torn ACL. Thefollowing year, Hardaway returned with C-Webb, Latrell Sprewell (first-teamAll-NBA in ’94), Chris Mullin (just past his prime), Rony Seikaly, AveryJohnson and Chris Gatling … I mean, that’s a pretty nice top seven, right?Webberdidn’tcare;hehadanopt-outclauseandwantedout.StuckbetweenarockandShawnKemp’sboxers, theWarriorsswappedhimtoWashingtonforTomGugliottaandthreenumberonesandinadvertentlydamagedhiscareer(seethegrislydetails).Meanwhile,Hardawayexceededeveryone’sexpectations,ledOrlandotothe’95FinalsandmadeanAll-NBAfirstteam—andthenheclashedwith Shaq (Shaq bolted for L.A.), devolved from an unselfish playmaker to ame-firstscorerandblewouthiskneeinPhoenix.Badtimesallaround.

SowhatifOrlandojustkeptWebber?DoesShaqstillleaveafterthe’96season?(Impossible to say.) Would Webber have thrived as the Robin to Shaq’sBatman? (I say yes.)Whowould theMagic have targeted with their ’94 capspace instead of Horace Grant? 45 (My guesses: Detlef Schrempf and SteveKerr.) Would they have made the ’95 Finals with Shaq, C-Webb, Scott,Anderson,BrianShawandmytwofreeagentguesses?(Isayyes.)Wouldtheyhavehadabetterchanceagainstthe’95Rocketswiththatteam?(Actually,yes.)As for Penny Hardaway, he takes Tim Hardaway’s minutes on thataforementioned 50-winWarriors team, thrives in Nellie’s offense with Spree,MullinandOwensflankinghim,andpotentiallybecomesaHallofFamerforallweknow. Just remember,C-WebbandPennywereboth top-forty talentswhoneverreachedtheirpotential forreasons thataren’tentirelysatisfying.Hadthetradeneverhappened,maybeoneofthem(orbothofthem)wouldhavereachedthatpotential.Let’sgivethemstartingspotsontheWhat-IfAll-Stars.

13.WhatifAnthonyCarter’sagentnevermessedup?

AforgottenfootnoteinNBAhistory:whenAnthonyCarter’sagent(BillDuffy)neverfaxedMiamialetterexercisingCarter’s$4.1millionplayeroptionforthe2003–4 season.46 After the deadline passed, Carter became a free agent(whoops!) andMiami suddenlyhad enough cap space to throwa$60million,six-yearofferatLamarOdom.Onesummerlater,theypackagedOdom,CaronButler,BrianGrant’s cadaver and a 2006 first-rounder toL.A. for Shaq.Twoobvious repercussions here: First, Miami never wins the 2006 title if Duffydoesn’t screw up. Second, since Miami couldn’t have gotten Shaq withoutDuffy,whereelsecouldShaqhavelandedwhentheLakershadtotradehim?47CouldDallashavestolenhimforsomethinglikeMichaelFinley,DevinHarris,AlanHenderson’sexpiringcontractandanumberonepick?WouldDenverhaveofferedMarcusCamby,NeneHilarioandVoshonLenard?CouldtheBullshavehijacked him for Eddy Curry (a free agent after the season), Antonio Davis(expiring)andafirst-roundpick?IsayDallashadthebestchance,whichmeanstheywould have avoided that cripplingDampiermove, gotten Shaq, and kepttheirbestfourguys(Nowitzki,Howard,StackhouseandTerry).Howmanytitlesarewethinkingthere?Two?Three?WhenIemailedhimaboutthislastsummer(subjectline:“InsanelyRandomQuestion”),Cubanresponded,“[Ihave]noideaifwewouldhavegottenhim,butIknowShaqwantedtocome.”

Youknowwhatthatmeans?Ifwe’remakingthelistofGuysWhoPreventedUsfromSeeingaPissed-OffSternHandaSobbingCuban theLawrenceO’BrienTrophy, here’s the top five in no particular order:DwyaneWade, BillDuffy,BennettSalvatore,DonNelson and IsiahThomas (for stupidly takingPenny’scontractintheMarburydealandgivingPhoenixenoughcapspacetowooNashthefollowingsummer).

Hey,speakingofIsiah…

12.WhatiftheKnicksneverhiredIsiahThomas?

This could have been its own bizarro “Where Amazing Happens” NBA

commercialcalled“WhereIsiahHappens.”

(Cue up the annoying piano music that haunted me every time I tried to fallasleepafterhearingitforsixstraightmonthsduringthe’08season.)48

Picture:The’05Sunscelebratingafteraplayoffwin.

Caption: Where Phoenix dumps the Stephon Marbury and Penny Hardawaycontracts on some unsuspecting sucker and remakes its team into a contenderhappens.

Picture:The’07Bullscelebratingafteraplayoffwin.

Caption:WhereChicagodumpsEddyCurryandhisgiganticassfortwolotterypicksandcopiousamountsofcapspacehappens.

Picture:The’07Raptorscelebratingafteraplayoffwin.

Caption:WhereToronto finds some dummy to take JalenRose’s contract offtheirhandsandaiditsrebuildingprocesshappens.

Picture:SanAntonio’s2005trophycelebration.

Caption:Where SanAntonio dumpsMalik Rose’s contract for a cap-friendlycenterwhohelpsthemwinthetitlehappens.

Picture:SteveFrancissittingglumlyontheKnicksbench.

Caption: Where Orlando finds someone to take Steve Francis’ horrendouscontractsotheycanfreeup$15millionincapspacehappens.

Picture:The’08Blazerscelebratingafteralast-secondwin.

Caption:Where the2008BlazersbecometheNBA’smost likableyoungteambecausetheyfoundatakerforZachRandolphhappens.

Picture:AnuchaBrowneSanderscelebratingonthecourthousesteps.49

Caption: Where a humiliating $11 million sexual harassment settlementhappens.

Picture:AwhiteSUV.

Caption:WhereaTruckPartyhappens.50

Picture:CurryandRandolphlookingoverweight,liketheyjustbarbecuedNate

Robinsononagrillandatehim.

Caption:WhereanNBAfrontcourtthatincludestwoC-cupshappens.

Picture:AmostlyemptyMadisonSquareGarden.

Caption:Whereasixty-yeartraditionofprofessionalbasketballgoingdownthetubeshappens.

Picture: Isiahsittingonthebenchwiththatfrozen,blanklookonhisfacelikehe’s either flatlining or planning to kill everyone in the locker room after thegame.

Caption:WhereIsiahhappens.

(Follow-upnote:HasanyGMinNBAhistoryeverdirectlyalteredthefortunesof seven franchises for the better? Portland, San Antonio, Phoenix, Toronto,Orlando,Chicago,NewYork… that’s nearly 25 percent of the league!He ismissed.BytheotherGMs.)

11.WhatifMauriceStokesneverwentdown?

Not an injury what-if because the Royals star technically didn’t get injuredplayingbasketball;hecontractedencephalitis,aflukeofanillnessthathappensonly if an undiagnosed bacterial infection or undiagnosed brain trauma is left

untreated,worsensandeventuallycausesbraindamage.PoorStokesbangedhishead in the final game of the ’58 season against Minneapolis, flew back toCincinnatithatnight,nevergottreatedoverthenextthreedays,flewtoDetroitfor a playoff game and played sluggishly, then finally collapsed on the planehome. So a fluky combination of factors—poor medical treatment, multipleflights(thelastthingyouwanttodowithbraintrauma)andpoorStokesguttingout a playoff game when he felt terrible—led to brain damage and Stokesspendingtherestofhisshortenedlifeinawheelchair.

HowgoodwasStokes?Heaverageda17–16,16–17and17–18inhisonlythreeseasonsastheNBA’sfirstahead-of-his-timepowerforward,likeatallerCharlesBarkley, a six-foot-seven, 275-pounder who pounded the boards, handled theballfull-court,andhadavarietyofBaylor-likemovesaroundthebasket(scoopshots, finger rolls and the like). Had he avoided gaining weight in his latetwenties(youneverknowwiththisstuff),Stokeswouldhavebeenamortallockfor theNBA’s 50 at 50.Given thatOscarwas a future territorial pick for theRoyals,wecan safelyassume that anOscar-Stokescombowouldhavealteredthe courseof aFinalsor two in the sixties.Fromabig-picture standpoint, theNBAlostitsmostcharismaticblackstarofthefiftiesandsixties.Whatashame.Therewasn’t a single silver liningexcept for an improbable, feel-goodhumanintereststorythatwe’llcontinueintheJackTwymansectionofthePyramid.51

10.WhatifMemphisinsteadofClevelandlandedLebron?

Take a trip back to the 2003 lottery with me.We’re down to Cleveland andMemphisinthefinaltwo.IftheGrizzliesdrawnumbertwo,theyturnthepickover toDetroitbecause theystupidly tradedaconditionalnumberone forOtisThorpefiveyearsearlier(apickthatonlyhadtop-oneprotectionin2003).52IftheGrizzdrawnumberone,thentheykeepthepickandgetLeBron.Suddenlywe’re presented with the greatest hit-or-miss moment in the history ofprofessional sports—like going on Deal or No Deal, getting down to twosuitcasesandhavinga50/50chanceofwinning$500million.Forafewseconds,ESPN’s camera shows Jerry West, who has the same look on his face that

ForrestGumphadwhenhegropedJenny’sboobiesforthefirsttime.IfJerryhaddroppeddeadrightthenandthere,nobodywouldhavebeensurprised.Well,weknowhowitturnedout:Clevelandgotthefirstpick,Memphisgotnothing,andaheartbrokenWest retired and eventually disappeared off the face of the earth,presumably to spend the next few years playingRussian roulette in SoutheastAsialikeChristopherWalkeninTheDeerHunter.(Sorrytothrowconsecutivemoviereferencesatyou,butthesituationdemandedtwoofthemandthat’sthat.)Now look at the domino effect over the next five years ifMemphis gets thatpick:

LeBronjoinsadeepGrizzliesteam(PauGasol,ShaneBattier,MikeMiller…)thatwon50

gamesdespitegettingnothingfromthat’03draft.Alittlebetterthanstartingoutonalotteryteamwithknuckle-headslikeRickyDavisandDariusMiles,right?

Pickingsecond,ClevelandtakesCarmeloandbuiltaround’Melo,CarlosBoozerand Carlos Boozer’s chest hair. Since Denver GM Kiki Vandeweghe tookNikoloz Tskitishvili over Amar’e Stoudemire in 2002, it goes without sayingKikiwouldhavebeenstupidenoughtotakeDarkoatnumberthreeoverChrisBosh.Therestofthedraftprobablyunfoldsthesameway,althoughChadFordstillprobablyhastheimmortalMaciejLampegoingninthtotheKnicks.

WhataretheoddsLeBronstaysinMemphisafterhisrookiecontractends?I’mgoingwithbetween0.000001and0.009percent.Andthatmightbehigh.Whichmeanshebecomesafreeagentfollowingthe2007season,leadingtonumerouslousyteamsdevotingtheir’06and’07

seasonstocarvingoutenoughcapspaceforhim,aswellasIsiahfailingtoplanahead, inadvertentlyknockingNewYorkoutof theLeBronsweepstakesandasummerofriotinginthestreetsofManhattanthelikesofwhichwehaven’tseensince the ’77blackout and theSonofSammurders.Also,LeBron’sdepartureswiftlykillsbasketball inMemphis,with theGrizzliesmoving toEnglandandbecomingtheLondonHooligans.(Actually,whatamIsaying?Thatstillmighthappen.)Andeverytitlefrom2008to2020mightlookdifferent.That’saboutit.

9.WhatifRalphSampsonenteredthe1980draft?

InApril1980therejuvenatedCelticswerecomingoff60winsandpreparingforabloodbathwithPhillyintheEasternFinals…andasthiswashappening,theywonthecoinflipgivingthemthenumberonepick(thankstotheMcAdootradeone year earlier). The seven-foot-four Sampson was finishing a much-hypedfreshman year at Virginia (15–11, 5 blocks a game); we forget this now, butSampsonrankedrightuptherewithWalton,KareemandWiltonceuponatimeon theThisGuy IsGoing to Join theNBAandObliterateEveryoneScale.53TheCelticsquietlystartedlobbyinghim:Comeplaywithus.You’llcompeteforatitlerightawaywithBird,Cowens,MaxwellandTinyonthegreatestfranchiseever.Whyriskgettinghurt?YouandBirdcouldownthisleagueforthedecade.WhenSampson improbably turned themdown, they settledonplanB: tradingthat pick (along with number thirteen) for Robert Parish and number three(KevinMcHale),thenwinningthreetitleswithinthenextsixyears.

DotheywinthosetrophieswithSampson?Thatdependsonhowyouprojecthiscareer had he skipped those last three college years—in which he neverimproved playing with inferior teammates while facing slowdown tactics andtriple-teams—and got thrown into the fire at the highest possible level on acontender.In1980,AuerbachbelievedthatSampsonhadtheathleticabilityandinstincts to become the next Russell. I always thought Sampson was like apostmerger Kareem sans the Sky Hook: same height, same body, slightlydisappointing rebounder and shot blocker (though still solid in bothdepartments), but a mismatch for nearly everyone because of his size andquickness.Those last threecollegeyears significantlydamagedhisceiling.Heneverdevelopedamoney-in-the-bankshot;ifanything,heboughtintothewhole“Sampsonisaguardinabigman’sbody”hype,startedscrewingaround20feetfromthebasketandtriedtorunfastbreakslikeamutantBobCousyThrowinadreadfulHoustonteaminhisrookieseasonandthat’sfourwastedseasonsinhisformative years. He never recovered. Imagine Ralph learning the ropes inBoston, mastering the rebounding/shotblocking thing, playing high-pressureplayoff games, running the floor with a great fast-break team and getting fedeasybasketsfromBirdfrom1980to1984.Onpaper,thatwouldhavebeenthecushiest situation in NBA history for a franchise center. 54Would that have

been better than a McHale/Parish combo? Depends on how you feel aboutAuerbach’s“nextRussell”assessment.RedflippedoutpubliclyafterSampsonturnedthemdown,hissingthatRalphwasbeing“hoodwinkedbyglad-handlers”and adding, “The peoplewho advised him to stay in schoolwill have troublesleepingnights.They’retakingawayearningpotentialhe’llnevergetback,andthey’re forgetting that if he gets hit by a car, it’s the end of the line. It’sridiculous. If he were an intellectual genius and was planning on being asurgeon,youcouldseehimwantingtogotoschool.”ConsideringSampsononlyplayed four healthy NBA seasons and filed for bankruptcy a few years later,maybe Red knew what he was talking about. (Whether he assessed Ralph’sceilingcorrectlyisanotherstory.)ButRalphstayedinschool,leadingto…

8.Whatifthe’86Rocketsneverfellapart?

Magic’sLakerswontitles in’80,’82and’85andweredemolishedbythe’86Rockets.Bird’sCelticswontitlesin’81,’84and’86andheldthenumbertwopickinaseeminglyloaded’86draft.SowhoendedupsqueakingouttwomoretitlesandbecomingtheTeamoftheDecade?TheLakers.Why?Becauseofournumber twowhat-if (sigh), aswell as the untimely, unseemly, unprecedented,unfathomable, un-(fill in anyother negativeword) of the promisingSampson-Hakeemera.

WealwayshearaboutthetragicfallsofDocandDarryl,thetwoCoreys,MikeTyson,LenBias and about fiftydifferent bands and singers from the eighties,butnobodyeverrememberstoincludetheteamPatRileyoncecalled“theTeamoftheFuture.”Forhistoricalpurposes,Houston’s“upset”ofthe’86Lakerswaseventuallydismissedassomethingofafluke;duringafifty-monthstretchfromApril ’85 to June ’89 inwhichwechangedpresidents,watchedRocky single-handedly end theColdWar, became terrified of cocaine and unprotected sex,losttheabilitytoproducedecentmusic,madeaformerAustrianbodybuilderthebiggestmoviestaralive,learnedhowtomarketblackathletes,lookedonsadlyasEddieMurphylosthissenseofhumorandMichaelJacksontransformedfrombiggest star on theplanet to full-fledged freak and cautionary tale, and set the

table for Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld to become the richest comedians of alltime,theLakerslostonlyoneoftheireighteenplayoffseries…onlyitwastoanupstartRocketsteamwhofelloffthefaceoftheearthalmostasquicklyastheyshowedup.Sonaturally,itmusthavebeenafluke.Right?

Herearethefacts:TheRocketslostGame1andsweptthenextfour,clinchingatthe Forum even after Hakeem got thrown outwith sixminutes remaining forfightingwithMitchKupchak.(ThisoneendedwithSampsonfamouslymakinghismiraclebuzzer-beaterandMichaelCoopersinking to the floor indisbelief,addingtothewhole“whatanupset”myth.)55Ifyouwatchthatseriescarefully,Houston couldn’t have been a worse matchup for the Lakers, whose majorweaknesses were rebounding and defending elite low-post scorers. ThatSampson-Hakeem combo was their Kryptonite. 56 Watching Kareem “try”(repeat:“try”)todefendtheimpossiblyquickHakeemwaslikewatchingoneofthose slow thirty-five-year-old linebackers (think Tedy Bruschi) getting stuckcoveringaquickrunningback(thinkBrianWestbrook)onaswingpass in theopenfieldwithouthelp.Mr.Ninnyjusthadnochance.IftheyswitchedhimtoSampson(playingthehighpost),thatpulledhimawayfromtherim,robbedtheLakersoftheironlyshotblocker,andallowedRalphtobeathimoffthedribble… and that’s before we get to the nightmare of undersized or athleticallychallenged forwards like Kupchak, A. C. Green or James Worthy trying tohandleHakeemon the lowpost. If thatweren’t enough,Houstonwas blessedwith lanky, athletic perimeter guys (Robert Reid, Lewis Lloyd, 57 RodneyMcCray)whocould reboundandcauseproblems forMagic. In retrospect, theonly thingHoustonwasmissingwasacoaching staffof femalecallgirlswhocouldhaveseducedtheLakersaftergamesandgottenthemintotrouble.That’showgoodthematchupwasforHouston.ThrowinpeskypointguardJohnLucas(whosufferedadrugrelapsetwomonthsbeforetheplayoffs)andtheywereputontheplanettobeatuponthosemid-eightiesLakersteams.

Stillnotsold?HakeemandRalphwerethefirstpicksinconsecutiveyears(’83and ’84) and, alongwith theMcHale/Parish combo in Boston, caused such apanicthateverymid-eightiesteambecameobsessedwithaddingsize,leadingtoournumberonewhat-if(holdtight),JoeKleineandJonKoncakgettingpickedahead ofKarlMalone, lottery teams rolling the dicewith troubled losers like

ChrisWashburn andWilliamBedford and everything else. Suddenly the poorLakers were a smallball team trapped in a big-man’s league; with Kareem’srebounding/shotblocking numbers in free fall, after Houston laid the smackdownon them, everyone assumed theMagic-Kareem erawas over.We nevercouldhaveguessedthatthepromisingHakeem-Sampsonerahadalreadypeakedinthosefourgames.Thefollowingyear,theybattledtheDiseaseofMore(bothSampson and Hakeem wanted new contracts), lost Lucas to Milwaukee (heneeded a fresh start) and suffered thedoublewhammyof cocaine suspensionsforLloydandMitchellWiggins(beforethe’87All-Starbreak,Houston’sthreebest guardswere gone), andwhile all of this was happening, the effects of aharrowing Sampson fall at the Boston Garden in ’86 started to surface: afterinjuringhisbackandhipintheplunge,58hestartedrunningdifferentlytotakepressureoffhisbackandwreckedhisknees.GoldenStateacquiredhimduringthe’87–’88seasonfor(holdyournose)JoeBarryCarrollandSleepyFloyd.SomuchfortheNextGreatTeamintheWest.Onlyrecreationaldrugsandaflukefallcouldstopthem.

Here’sthebestwaytoputHouston’sdemiseinperspective.Let’ssaythePistonsfell apart after the ’86playoffs because Isiah’s kneebetrayedhimandDennisRodman,VinnieJohnson,andJohnSalleywereallkickedoutoftheleagueforcocaine.WhathappenstothatvoidintheEasternConference?Attheveryleast,theCelticsplayintwomoreFinals(’87and’88)andpossiblystealoneorbothbecause they aren’tworn down from battling the Pistons.Maybe Jordanwinseighttitlesinsteadofsix.MaybeDominiqueandtheHawkssneakintotheFinalsone year. Maybe the Blazers win the 1990 title and Clyde Drexler’s careerunfoldsdifferently.Whoknows?For theLakers,havingthehoopsgodsknockthatRockets teamoff—justvaporize them,basically—wasalmostasbigagiftas that1979numberonepickfromNewOrleans.Andwouldn’twerememberHakeem’scareerdifferentlyhadhebeenstickingittoKareemandtheLakersfortherestoftheeighties?Whatifhewonfourorfivetitlesinsteadoftwo?Wouldthat propel him past Kareem and make him the second greatest center of alltime? It’s safe to say that the ’86Rocketswere the signaturewhat-if team inNBA history.59 Twenty years later, the Houston Chronicles Fran Blineburywroteacolumnaboutthemcalled“TheLostDynasty”thatincludedthisquotefromLucas: “When Iwalk aroundHouston now and I hear people talk aboutwinningthosechampionshipsin’94and’95,Ijustshakemyhead.Itellthem,‘You’veeitherforgottenoryouhaveneverseenthebestRocketsteam.Iknow.I

wasapartofit.AndIwasabigpartofbringingitdown.’…Youlookatmostteamsthatareput togetherlikethatoneandtheygetaboutaneight-to10-yearwindow. We didn’t know it, but our window was right there, and then itslammedshut.”

Allowmeone lastRalph-relatednotebecausewecan’thaveawhat-ifchapterwithout him.Only seventeenNBA rookieswere considered sure things in thepast fifty years: Elgin,Wilt, Oscar, Kareem,Maravich,Walton, Bird,Magic,Sampson, Hakeem, Jordan, Ewing, Robinson, Shaq, Webber, Duncan andLeBron.ElevenofthosesurethingscrackedthetoptwentyofmyHallofFamePyramid (coming shortly). Only Sampson and Webber will miss the Hall ofFame.OnlySampsonandWaltonfailedtoplaymorethanfourqualityseasons,althoughWaltondidwinanMVPandFinalsMVPandreinventhimselfasthesixthmanonaniconicteam.WhenyoulookatRalphscareercomparedtoeveryothersurething,ithastobeconsideredoneofthebiggestflukesinsportshistory—acombinationofbadluck,thewrongsituation,andaplayerwhowasslightlyoverrated in the first place. Sampson flamed out as quickly as Bo Jackson orDwight Gooden, only without the fanfare and legendary stories to keep hishistoricalfireburning.Hedidn’tjustfadeaway;there’snotraceofhim.Heleftfootprintslikethekindyou’dseeonabeach.Hedidn’teveninspirea“WhateverHappenedtoRalphSampson?”documentarythatwouldhavecruisedtoasportsEmmyin therighthands. If there’sa lessonwithallof this, Ihaven’t foundityet.JustknowthatMagic,KareemandRileyprobablywipetheirforeheadsandsay“Phew!”everytimesomebodybringsupthe’86Rockets.Andtheyshould.

7.WhatifJuliusErvingplayedwithPeteMaravich?

Oh, wait, he did! For two exhibition games… but still. Before the ’72–’ 73season,ErvingsignedwithAtlantaand jumped to theNBAfor twoexhibitiongamesbeforetheABAlegallyblockedthemoveandforcedhimtoplayanotherseason in Virginia. In retrospect, Doc’s biggest mistake was jumping to thewrong team;Milwaukee held his NBA draft rights but Atlanta thumbed theirnosesattheBucksandsignedDoc,withtheensuinglegalbattleinvolvingtwo

professionalteamsseparatelysuingtheHawks.EverythingwasheldupforoneyearbeforeNetsownerRoyBoepaidofftheHawksandSquirestobringDoctoNewYork.60Fourabsorbingwrinkleshere:

1.TheABAwithoutDocforitslastthreeseasons?Oneword:catastrophe.2.Inthe past fifty-five years, the threemost boringNBA seasonswere 1974, 1975and1976.Let’sjustsaythatDocwouldhavehelped.

3.HadDoc ignoredAtlanta and concentrated on joiningMilwaukee (not far-fetched since Doc wasn’t a superstar yet and other ABA stars were jumpingleagues),61 Doc and Kareem potentially could have been teammates beforeeitherturnedtwenty-six.Andnotjustthat,butanagingOscarwouldhavebeenthere,andBobbyDandridge,too.ForgetaboutalteringtheNBAlandscapefrom1973to1976;onceDocstartedcomingintohisown,the’74Buckscouldhavewon70-plusgamesinadilutedNBA.Don’tyoulovethewhat-ifgame?

4.IfeverythingworkedoutandDocjumpedtothe’73Hawks,hewouldhavegone to a team that won 46 games with Maravich, Lou Hudson and WaltBellamy. Imagine adding Doc to the mix. And what about Young Doc andYoungPistolplayingonthesameteam?IthinkthepilotjustturnedofftheNORIDICULOUSALLEYOOPS sign.ADoc-Pistol alliancewouldhavepushedYouTube to another level, transformed Maravich’s career, caused BrentMusburgertoejaculateonliveTVandmadeAtlantatheleague’smostpopularteamandbiggestboxofficedraw.Also,theABAwouldhavefoldedwithintwoyearsandnevermergedwiththeNBA.Andwe’dhavecopiousamountsofgamefilm of theDoctor at his high-flying,mushroom-afro-wearing apex instead ofjusteyewitnessaccountsandpossiblyapocryphalstories.Damnitall.5.

6.WhatifNewOrleanskepttherightstoMosesMalone?

Andyouthoughtthisonewasgoingtobe“Whatifthe’77Blazershadn’ttradedMoses?” Ha! Too easy. This decision affected the fortunes of six franchises,swung six MVP votes and at least six titles (possibly more), robbed us of apotential Greatest Team Ever and set the tone for three decades of Clippersfutility.ThestorystartsinDecember1975:Anticipatingamerger,theNBAhelda supplemental draft for recent undergraduateswho signedwith theABA but

didn’thaveanofficialNBAdraftclass.Lordknowshowtheycameupwiththerulesforthisthing,butfiveplayersweredrafted(Moses,MarkOlberding,MelBennett, Charles Jordan and SkipWise) and two of the selections cost teamstheir 1977 number one picks (New Orleans with Moses, the Lakers withOlberding).Thefollowingsummer,theJazzdecidedthattheywouldratherhavethatnumberonepickbackoverkeepingMalone’srights,soMoseswastossedintotheABA/NBAdispersaldraftandassignedapricetagof$350,000.62

Nowyou’re asking, “Wait,Moseswasonly twenty-oneyearsold.Whydidn’ttheJazzjustkeephim?Wasn’thebetterthanafuturenumberonepick?”Theymight not have realized how good he was since Moses broke his foot theprevious seasonandplayed just43games (averaginga14–10),but the reasonwasmuchlessdefensible.TheJazzwereenamoredoffreeagentGailGoodrichandneededthat1977numberoneaspartofacompensationpackagetosignhimawayfromLosAngeles.Howcanweexplaintheidiocyofaflounderingteamdeciding, “Let’s team up a twenty-eight-year-old shooting guard who doesn’tplay defense with a thirty-three-year-old shooting guard who doesn’t playdefense;we’llscoremorepointsandthefanswillloveit”?That’sjusthowtheNBA worked back then. Sports Illustrated’s Jerry Kirshenbaum wrote aNovemberfeatureaboutthetradethatincludedthissection:“GoodrichhadbeensignedearlierbytheNewOrleansfrontofficewiththeblessingofCoachButchvanBredaKolff,who had him for awhile during his two-year stint as Lakercoach in the late ’60s.VanBredaKolff thinksGoodrichwearshisyearswell,justashehimselfdoes.Nowinhisfifthprocoachingpost,theJazzbosshasafoghornforavoice,showsupforgamesinwhatmightbecalledcasualclothesandenjoysthekindofstaminahedemonstratedduringanine-hourpubcrawltheotherday tocommemoratehis54thbirthday. Itwasa celebrationbrokenonlyoccasionallybytalkofbasketball.”

Ladies and gentlemen, your 1976–77 New Orleans Jazz! So what if GailGoodrichisthirty-threeandhaselevenyearsonhisNBAodometer?Hewearshis yearswell!Whowants todoa shot?AndyouwonderwhyRedAuerbachdominatedtheNBAforthirtyyears;maybehewasjusttheonlyGMwithanIQover100whowasn’tdrunkall the time.GoodrichsufferedanAchilles tendoninjury, played just 27 games that first season and retired two years later. So

muchforwearinghisyearswell.It’salsostrangethattheJazzdecidedMalone’syoung legs and voracious rebounding wouldn’t come in handy when RichKelley, Ron Behagen and Otto Moore were their incumbent big guys.Remember, Malone’s talent wasn’t exactly a secret; one of the most famouscollegerecruitsofalltime,Mosesbecamethefirstplayertojumpdirectlyfromhighschooltotheprosin1974.TheJazzdidn’tcare.WecanonlyguessthatvanBredaKolff said something like, “I don’t care if he’s talented; supposedly theguyisasdumbasarock.IwantGoodrich!”SonotonlydidtheJazzrelinquishtherightstoafuturethree-timeMVP,theypackagedtheir1977,1978and1979

number one picks and a 1980 second-rounder for Goodrich and L.A.’s 1978numberonepick.TheLakersendeduppickingnumbersixin’77(KennyCarr),numbereightin’78(senttoBostonforCharlieScott)and(waitforit…waitforit … wait for it) number one in 1979 (Magic Johnson). Incredibly,unfathomably, unbelievably, inconceivably, an already moronic decision tooverpayGoodrich (just aboutwashed up at that point) ended up costingNewOrleansMosesandMagic.63

Holdon,we’renotclosetobeingdone.PortlandpickedMosesfifthintheABAdispersaldraftpurelyfortradingpurposes,wantingnopartofhis$300,000-per-year contract. According to Breaks, Moses struggled in training camp forunderstandablereasons:Portlandhadahyperintelligentoffensewithahands-oncoachandMoseshadneverbeencoachedbefore;thiswashisthirdteaminthreeseasons; his skills were extremely raw at this point (just a straightrebounder/bangerwithgreatfootworkandthat’sit);andsincehewasalreadyonthetradingblockandbackingupbothWaltonandMauriceLucas,Moseswasn’texactlyinvestedinthesituation.Asthesituationdevolvedintoafiresale,Mosesunleashed holy hell in one exhibition game, with players and coachescollectivelyrealizing,“Holyshit!Thisguyisaprodigy!”TheyhadnoideathattheteamhadalreadyagreedtotradehimtoBuffalofora1978numberonepickand$232,000,64creating…

5.Whatifthe’77Blazersdidn’ttradeMosesMalone?

Putitthisway:theyendedupwinningthetitlewithouthimandstartedout50–10thefollowingyearbeforeWalton’sfeetfellapart.Withinayear,Waltonhadsignedwith theClippersandtheirchampionshipwindowhadclosed.HadtheykeptMoses,maybeWaltondoesn’tkeepplayinginpain,maybetheydon’trushWaltonbackfor the’78Playoffs,maybeWalton’s feetdon’t fallapart,maybeWaltondoesn’thavethefalling-outwiththeirmedicalstaff…forallweknow,maybeWaltonplays400–500moregames inPortlandwith shortenedminutesthankstoMoses.ThrowinthewayMosesmaturedin’77(averaginga13–13injust30minutes),’78(19–15),and

’79 (25–17, MVP) and who knows how many championships were swung?Think of that vacuum of good teams in the late seventies—could the Blazershave won three in a row hadWalton stayed healthy? Four? Five? And whatwouldhavehappened toBreaksof theGame?WouldHalberstamhavepickedanotherteam?Thistradedidn’tjustswingNBAtitles,itcouldhaveswungtheGreatestSportsBookEvertitle!Myheadhurts.65

Andwe’renotevendone,becausepoorMosesplayedinBuffaloforexactlysixdaysbefore theyshippedhimtoHoustonfor twonumberonepicks in’77and’78, hammering home Portland’s screwup since Buffalo basically swapped anumberonefortwonumberones.Don’tworry,thisworkedoutjustasbadlyforthemasitdidforeveryoneelse:Mosesonlyplayedsixminutesintwogamesforthe Braves because, hey, when you already have John Shumate and TomMcMillen at power forward, why see what you might have with the mostballyhooed high school recruit since Lew Alcindor? 66 That ’77 pick fromHouston ended up being number eighteen (somebody named Wesley Cox)becauseMosesignitedtheRocketsandpropelledthemtoadivisiontitle.WhentheRocketsstruggledthefollowingseason(acombinationofMosesmissing23gamesandtheharrowingafter-effectsoftheTomjanovich/Washingtonincident),their24–58 stinkbombnettedBuffalo thenumber fouroverallpick—only theBraves had already traded it away (alongwith their 1979 number one) in thedisastrousTinyArchibalddeal.67BuffalomovedtoSanDiegothatsummer,soif you’re scoring at home, technically, the fact that they dumped Moses fornothingcouldqualifyastheir“curseoftheBambino”moment;fromthatdayon(October24,1976),onlyhorriblethingshappenedtothem.Anddeservedlyso.What I can’t understand is this: with unhappy Buffalo star Bob McAdoogrumblingaboutanewcontractallsummer,whydidn’ttheykeepMosesaround

as insurance when it looked like they might be trading their star center? Sixweeks after theMoses deal, they sentBigMac packing for JohnGianelli andcash.Andtheseedsofthree-plusdecadesofClippersfutilitywereplanted.

Soifyou’rescoringathome,MosesHotPotatoendedupswingingthedestiniesof six franchises in fewer than five months: New Orleans (never recovered,movedfouryearslater);LosAngeles(landedMagic,wonfivetitleswithhim);Portland (gave away Walton insurance and God knows how many titles);Buffalo(neverrecovered,movedwithintwoyears,jinxedeventoday);Houston(madethe’81FinalswithMoses,eventuallytradedhimtoPhilly,andmadetheHakeem-Sampsonerapossible);andPhilly(acquiredMosesin’82,wona titlewithhim).Wealsonearlywitnessedthedestructionofoneofthemosttalentedplayersever:byallaccounts,Mosesmovedsomany timesfrom1974 to1976that he was practically broken by the time he reached Houston; it took theRocketsanentireseasontorebuildhisconfidence.EventuallyhebecameaHallofFamerandhauntsthreeteamstothisday.Andtothink,itallstartedbecauseButchvanBredaKolffdecidedthatGailGoodrichworehisyearswell.

4.Whatifthe1960Lakershadn’tcrashed

intheperfectcornfield?

January18,1960.TheLakersareflyingbacktoMinneapolisafteradaygameinSt.Louis.They’reridingintheirownDC-3.Itstartstosnow.Theplanelosesitspower.Theheatgoesoff.Thepilotscan’tcommunicatewithanyone.Theplanebounces around in the snow for a few hours, with the pilots opening a sidewindowevery fewminutes to scrapesnowoff thewindshieldso theycansee.Theyhaveabout thirtyminutesofgas left andcan’t findanairport, so finallythey decide to land the plane on the best available cornfield inCarroll, Iowa.Theykeeptryingtolandbutcan’tfindanareathatisn’tflankedbypowerlines,sothepilotskeephavingtojerktheplaneupandtryingmoreattempts.Atthispoint,policecars,firetrucksandeventhetown’smorticianaredoingtheirbesttofollowaplanetheycanbarelysee.Finally,thepilotsfindtheperfectsnowycornfield, cut the engines and land the plane smoothly on about four feet of

snow.Everyonecheers.Tothisday,it’stheclosestwe’veevercometolosingaprofessionalsportsteam.68

ItwouldhavebeenthebiggesttragedyinNBAhistoryandacripplingblowtoaleaguebarelymakingitatthetime.Andthat’sjustthestartofit.Weloseoneofthefifteengreatestplayersever(ElginBaylor)midwaythroughhissophomoreseason,aswellasthemostathleticforwardofthateraandsomeonewhowasintheprocessofknockingdownthe“basketballcanalsobeplayedintheair”door.The Elgin/Jerry era never happens. We endure roughly five hundreddocumentaries, TV features, books and magazine features about that fatefulnighthaditturnedoutmorbidly.69

The’60Lakerseitherfoldimmediatelyorsuspendplay,thenregroupforthe’61seasonafterfillingouttheirrosterwithexpansionplayersandextradraftpicks…whichonlymeanswe’renowredoingeverypartofNBAhistoryfrom1961to2008,includingfifteendifferentFinals.Finally,anotherownergrabsthatLosAngeles market if the Lakers fold. Would we be watching the Los AngelesWarriorsrightnow?Whatabout(gulp)theLosAngelesCeltics?Inthebiggestunderstatementofthisentirebook,Isayit’sagoodthingthattheplanelandedsafely.

3.WhatifABAcommissionerGeorgeMikan

didn’tscrewuptheLewAlcindorsweepstakes?

When Alcindor finished his UCLA career in the spring of 1969, his familyassembledateamofagentsandadvisersandspentthenextfewmonthsdebatingbetween the ABA andNBA. Both leagues needed him desperately: the NBAbecausehewas thebiggest star toenter the league sinceOscarRobertson, theABAbecauseBigLewwouldhave legitimized their league,gotten themaTVcontract,andforcedamergerdowntheroad.Ifanything,theABAshouldhaveoverpaidforAlcindorandhopedtorecoupthemoneywithticketsalesandTVmoney.

Nowhere’swhereitgetscrazy.Withoutevertippinghishandpublicly,AlcindordecidedprivatelythathewantedtoplayintheABA.MilwaukeeheldhisNBArights,butBigLewwasmoreinterestedintheNets;hegrewupinNewYork,loved the idea of playing near family, found the city’s Muslim populationappealingandunderstoodthevalueofabigmarket.Milwaukeedidnothingforhim.Howdoweknowthis?Heconfessedasmuch inhis1983autobiographyGiant Steps70—everything I just told you—and fledMilwaukee as soon as awindowopenedafterthe’75

season.HewantedtoplayfortheNets.Buthewasn’tinterestedinspendingthesummer playing the leagues against each another, soBigLew’s team told theABA andNBA the same thing:Wewillmeet you once, wewill listen to oneoffer,and that’s that.Donot lowballus.Giveusyourbestpossibleoffer first.ThejackassesrunningtheABAsomehowcameupwithoneoftheironlyshrewdideas:WhenwemeetAlcindor,we’llgivehimacertifiedcheckfor$1millionupfront as part of whatever offer we make. Not only will that check prove thatwe’reseriousandwedon’thavefinancialtroubles,butitwillburnaholeinhispocketandhe’lleventuallysayyes.

Youhavetoadmit,that’sagreatplan.Desperate,butgreat.

Okay, so theNBAgoes first andmakes anoffer thatKareemwould later call“extremelygood”inGiantSteps.MikanmetAlcindor’speoplenext.Theytalknumbers.TheytalkaboutstickingLewinNewYorkandmaybeevenflankinghim with a few of his old UCLA teammates. Money gets discussed. Somefigures are thrown around. For whatever reason,Mikan never gives Alcindorthatcheck.Itstaysinhispocket!Eitherhefreezesorheforgets.There’snoin-between.71Ontopofthat,theylowballhimwithashittyoffer.SoAlcindor’steamleavesthemeetingwonderingwhytheABAdidn’ttotallysteptotheplate.Alcindor feels insultedandvowsnever toplay in theABA.TheABAownersflip out when they realize that Mikan never gave him the check. MilwaukeeswoopsinandsignsAlcindorforarecord$1.4million.AndMikangetscannedwithin ayear.AsKareemwrote later, “TheNetshad the inside track andhad

blownit.”

Let’s sayMikandidn’tmessupandBigLewsignedwith theNets.MaybehestealsNewYork thunder from the ’70Knicks.Maybe theNets trade forRickBarry one year later and become a superpower. Maybe the merger happenssoonerthanlater,maybetheNetsbecometheteamoftheseventies,andmaybeLew/Kareem never ends up playingwithMagic and the Lakers. Three thingsdefinitelydon’thappen:theBucksdon’twinthe’71title,OscarneverendsupinMilwaukee,andwehaveNBAMVPsin’71,’72and’74notnamedAlcindororAbdul-Jabbar. I mean, GeorgeMikan could have gone on the Tonight Show,thrownonhisgogglesandsodomizedJohnnyCarsononliveTVandnotdonemore damage to theABA than he did by not givingAlcindor that check.Myheadisspinning.

2.WhatifLenBiashadn’toverdosed?

I still haven’t gotten over this one.How can you calculate the short-term andlong-termdamage?

The Celtics had just finished one of the greatest seasons in NBA history andwereaddingLenBias.Youcouldn’thavedrawnupabetteryoungforwardforthatparticularteam,someonewhoplayedlikeamorephysicalWorthy,butwithJordan’sathleticism,ifthatmakessense.(OtherthanMJ

and ’Nique, no eighties player attacked the basket like a youngLenBias. It’strue.)IfyousatdownonJune19,1986,rightaftertheCelticsthrashedHoustonfor the title, and drew up a wish list for the perfect rookie to add to the ’87Celtics, youwouldhave comeupwith fivewishes: an elite athlete capable ofplaying either forward spot; an overcompetitive MFer with a mean streak; ascorercapableofcarryingBoston’soffenseforextendedstretchesoffthebench;a rebounderwho could bangwith young bucks likeBarkley andMalone; andjust for thehellof it, someonewho loved ramminghomealley-oopsasBird’snew toy. Youwould have settled for a forward who hit three of those checkmarks;fourwouldhavehadyouhigh-fivingyourself;fivewouldhavemadeyou

passout.

Well,thiswastoogoodtobetrue.Biasdroppeddeadwithinforty-eighthoursofthedraft.Coke.Andthisisoneofthosewhat-ifswherethedamagesareeasytodefine. You can see them clearly. They stand out. The NBA lost a potentialsignatureplayerandfaceditsbiggestdrugcrisisyet.TheCelticswouldn’tfullyrecover for another twenty-oneyears.Long-term, theywere just screwed. PullPippen from the ’87Bulls,Malone from the ’85 JazzorDuncan from the ’97Spurs—justmakebelievetheyneverplayedagame—andthat’showmuchBias’deathmeant. 72Short-term,wemissedouton seeingan ’87Celtics team thatwouldhavebeen thegreatestof all time.Oneof the threegreatest teamseverwithoneofthefivebestplayerseverandthegreatestfrontlineeverwasaddingoneofthethreebestforwardsofthatdecade?That’salotofgreatestsandbests.Medium-term,BirdandMcHalewereforcedtoplaybigminuteswithoutBias;neitherof themwouldbe the sameafterkilling themselves that season.Bird’sbodyfinallygaveoutayearlater(firsttheheels,thentheback);McHaleinjuredhis footbefore the ’87Playoffs, cameback too soonbecause theydidn’thaveanyoneelse,brokethefoot,keptplayingonitandneverreallyrecovered.Biascutsdowneveryone’sminutes,keepseveryonefromplayinginjured,makestheactual games easier … it would have been the difference between Bird andMcHaletraveling200,000hoursayearincoachor125,000ayearinfirstclass.

Someotherthingswemissed:asneeringBiasbangingbodieswiththebad-boyPistonsfrom’87to

’92; a fascinating three-headed Barkley-Malone-Bias rivalry; Bias upping thestakes in any playground game against the Blazers and Hawks; Bird treatingBias like his prized new toy and tossing him asmany alley-oops as humanlypossible;73theCelticsimprobablybecoming“cool”;andanEasternConferencestarwhowouldhavestooduptoJordanwithoutblinkingorbeingintimidated.It’s the last point that hurts themost. There was a particular brashness aboutBias, a swagger, a playgroundvibe that nobody else had.Thesewere still thedaysoftightshortsandawkwardhighfives;fewplayerswerecoolandtheoneswhowere (’Nique,Worthy, Jordan,Bernard) kept their emotions in check forthemost part. Jordanmight have embraced that playground demeanor had he

attended a school other than North Carolina, where Dean Smith frowned onanythingthatcouldbeperceivedasshowinguptheopposition,buttheCarolinainfluencetemperedhisblustertosomedegree.MaybeJordanlandedthesneakercommercialsandposters,butBiaswas theonewhobrought thestreets tobig-timehoops.Heresonatedwithblackfansmuch thewayHawk,PearlandDocdidbackintheday.

WhenLen’splaygroundswaggerbecamemorefashionableinthe’90s—thanksto UNLV and the Fab Five, postdunk woofing, baggy shorts, trash talk andeverythingelse—thatstyleseemedmorecontrived,liketheplayersweredoingitonlytosay“Hey,lookatme!”Trustme,nothingaboutLenBiaswascontrived.Hewentoutofhiswaytodunkonpeople,notbecauseitmadehimseemcoolbutbecause itsentamessageandestablisheda tonefor thegame.Hegrabbedrebounds in traffic and spat out an occasional “Arrrrrrggggggghhhh!” just tomakesureeveryoneknewwhowasboss.Hebarkedatteammates,refereesandopponents alike. If fans booedMaryland during a road game, he fed off thatnoiselikesomanyothergreatsandlearnedtochannel it toshut themup, thenthrivedon that respectful silencewhen thegamewaswrappingup.Heplayedwithpassionandheart.Heshowedameanstreakat timesbutnevermadeyoufeellikehedidn’tgiveashit.Quitesimply,hestoodout.IfBiashadarrivedonthescenesevenoreightyearslater,I’msurehewouldhavebeenwearingbaggyshorts andwoofing it up just like everyoneelse,but that’s thebeautiful thing:notjustthatBiasmadeitbigwhenhedid,butthathewasn’tcontrived.Biaswasahead of his time. He really was. We spent so many years searching for anarchrivalforJordan—theFraziertohisAli,someonewho’dbringoutthebestinhim—whenreally,thatplayerwasprobablyLenBias.Wewererobbed.AndsoweretheCeltics.

(Thegoodnews:Bias’overdosecombinedwithRobertDowneyJr.performinggay tricks for his coke dealer inLess than Zero fostered a fear of cocaine innearlyeveryAmericanmalegrowingupbetween1986and1994.Tothisday,Ihaven’t tried cocaine or even thought about trying it. Just would have beenhypocritical,youknow?Iguessthat’sasilverlining.Nopunintended.)

1.Whatifthe1984draftturnedoutdifferently?

Oh,andyouthoughtno.1wouldsimplybe“WhatifPortlandhadtakenMJoverBowie?”ThisdraftwassocomplicatedthatitinspiredHoustonandChicagotocreatetheconceptof“tanking”

during the regular season. Once Houston won the coin flip and locked intoHakeem,allhellbrokeloose.Here’swhatweknowforsure:

1.BothPortland(second)andChicago(third)wouldhaveswapped theirpicksforSampson,althoughthatwouldn’thavebeenenoughofareturnforamuch-hyped rookiecenterwhopossessed the third-highest tradevaluebehindMagicandBird that summer. 74Years later,Dr. JackRamsey toldSamSmith, “Wehad tohaveacenter.Wewouldhavedone that [trade].” Isurehopeso. Inhis1996 autobiographyLiving theDream,75 Hakeem claims thatHouston nearlytradedSampsontoPortlandforDrexlerandthenumbertwopick,writing,“From1984until today, theRocketscouldhavehada lineupwithme,ClydeDrexlerand Michael Jordan, developing together, playing together, winning together.But theRocketsnevermade themove.”Whether that’s trueoruntrue, I don’tblameHoustonforturningthatdownbecauseDrexlerhadn’texactlylittheNBAonfireasarookie.Still,Hakeem,JordanandDrexlerplayingtheirentirecareerstogether? Just staggering. It’s like imagining what would have happened ifMicrosoftandApplehadmergedin1981.

2.ThesharkscircledacrappyChicagoteamforJordan,givingcredencetothe“Portland seriously blew that pick” argument. Dallas offered Mark Aguirrestraightupforthepick.PhillyofferedanagingDocstraightupforthepick;theyalsoofferedthenumberfivepickplusAndrewToney.TradeswithSeattle(JackSikma) and Golden State (Joe Barry Carroll) were discussed. Eventually, theBullsstartedfeelingliketheyweresittingonawinninglotteryticket.Andtheywere.76

3.PatrickEwingnearlyenteredthedraftbeforechanginghismindandreturningtoGeorgetown.HadEwingthrownhishatinthering,hewouldhavegonefirst,Hakeemsecond(toPortland)…andthen-BullsGMRodThorntoldFlipBondythatChicagohadJordanratedhigherthanBowiebecausetheywereafraidofhis

injury track record.77Obviously ifHakeemhad landed inPortland,we’dentertheMartyMcFlyZoneandhavetoreconceiveeverythingthathappenedintheNBAfrom1985to1998

(differentFinals,differentchamps,noEwing inNewYork,etc. etc.). I startedtryingtofigureitoutandmynosestartedbleeding.Itookthisasasigntostop.4.Jordan’spotentialwasunclearbecauseheplayedforDeanSmithinthepre-shot-clockera.Everyoneknewhewasgood,buthowgood?Hisceilingdidn’tstart leakingoutuntil the ’84Olympic tryouts,whichJordandominated to thepointthatU.S.coachBobbyKnightcalledhisbuddyStuInman(Portland’sGM)and implored him to take Michael. 78 When Inman demurred and said thatPortlandneededacenter,Knightreportedlyscreamed,“Wellplayhimatcenter,then!”Wealsoknow thatNike (based inPortland)builtanentire sneaker linearoundJordanbeforeheplayedanNBAgame.Soforanyonetoplaythe“Wedidn’tknowhowgoodJordanwouldbe”cardjustisn’ttrue.

5.It’samyththatPortland“desperately”neededacenter.A48-winteamwithaperfectlydecentcentercombo—MychalThompson(16–9in33.5minutes)andWayne Cooper (10–6 in 20.5 minutes)—they also possessed trade chips likeDrexler, Jim Paxson (second-team All-NBA and a restricted free agent), FatLever (an up-and-coming point guard), Calvin Natt (a bulldog forward) andCooper.What they reallyneededwas a rebounder;Natt andKennyCarrwereboth undersized power forwards. For instance, San Diego shoppedscorer/rebounderTerryCummingsallsummerandfinallydealthimforMarquesJohnson after the draft. Why didn’t Portland overwhelm the Clippers with aCummingsoffer(likeaDrexler-Nattpackage)andtakeJordansecond?Yougotme.79 Instead, they sent Lever,Cooper,Natt and their ’85 first-round pick toDenverforKikiVandeweghe,anaccomplishedterrificscorer(29.8PPGin’84)whoalsohappenedtobetheworstdefensiveplayeralive.Here’showlopsidedandshortsightedthatdealwas:Denverjumpedfrom38winsto52winsandthe’85WesternFinalssolelybecauseof that trade.AsforPortland, theyprobablymetinthefirstweekofJuneanddebatedtwopotentialcoursesofaction:

6.

DoorNo.1:Jordan(mostexcitingcollegeguardofthedecade),Lever(twenty-three,namedsecond-teamAll-NBAjusttwoyearslater),Cooper(twenty-seven,averageda13–8

thenexttwoyearsinDenver),Natt(averageda23–8in’85)andan’85numberonepick(endedupbeingfifteenth)

DoorNo.2:VandewegheandBowie.

Anyone in their right mind goes with Door No. 1 unless they’re reasonablycertain that (a)Bowiewasasure thing,and(b)Jordanwouldn’tcomeback tohauntthem.IamassumingthatPortland’sbraintrustfelt“reasonablycertain”ofthose two things.And to hammer home how dumb, indefensible and recklessthatfeelingwas,let’sbangoutaretroactivediaryofthefirsttwenty-twominutesof the ’84draft.Our announcers?AlAlbert andLouCarnesecca for theUSANetwork.

0:02. Albert hypes the proceedings by claiming there are “six bona fidesuperstars” ready to get picked. Apparently he’s counting 296-pound CharlesBarkleytwice.

0:03.Peering over a pair of black eyeglasses, Carnesecca fidgets with a pen,ramblesuncomfortablyforfortysolidsecondsanddoeseverythingpossiblenottolookatthecamera.Helookslikeapriestbeingquestionedbypoliceaboutanassaultonanaltarboy.Gladhe’shere.

0:07. USA scrolls the order of the entire first round accompanied by somephenomenaleightiespornmusic.Ihalfexpectedthemtocomeoutofthatscrollwith Ginger Lynn riding Al Albert on a waterbed. That’s followed by DavidStern stepping to the podium for his firstNBAdraft, only he’swearingGabeKaplan’smustachefromthe1977seasonofWelcomeBackKotter.ForgetaboutNBATV—whydon’ttheyrerunthisdraftonComedyCentral?

0:10.One of the two guys sitting atHouston’s draft table has amullet and abushy mustache. Gotta love the eighties. As we watch them gabbing on thephone,thefollowingexchangehappens:

AL:TheRocketstiminghasbeenimpeccable.Lastyear,numberonewithRalphSampsoncomingout;thisyear,HakeemOlajwondecidedtocomeoutearly,andthat’sjustintimeforHouston.

(Threesecondsofsilencepass.)

LOU(barelyaudible):Thepostmandidringtwice.

0:11. Hakeem goes first, although he spelled it “Akeem” back then. He’srockingthelow-cutJhericurl,ablacktuxedoandamaroonbowtie.Fantastic.80

0:12. Eddie Murphy borrowed his accent for Prince Akeem in Coming toAmericafromthedraftinterviewAkeemjustdidwithBobDoucette.Thereisnodoubtinmymind.Heevennamedthecharacterafterhim.

0:16. Stern utters one of the most unforgettable sentences in NBA history—“PortlandselectsSamBowie,UniversityofKentucky”—asthecamerashowstherepsatPortland’stablewithdueling

“Yikes,Ihopewedidn’tfuckthatup”looksontheirfaces.81That’sfollowedbyBowieamblingtothestageasAlnarrates,“SamBowie,theyoungmanwhocameback froma stress fracture injury, the left shinbone, hewas out for twoseasons,redshirted,hehascomeback,hereturnedstrongatKentucky.”

(Soateamthatjustlostitsfranchisecentersixyearsearlywithrepeatedstressfracturesinhisfeetjusttookanothercenterwhomissedtwofullcollegeseasonsbecause of his stress fractures?And he’s three years older than the sure thingabouttogetpickedrightafterhim?Soundsencouraging!)82

0:17.During a less than enthralling package of Bowie highlights, Al tells usagain that Sam has recovered fully from his stress fractures before addingunironically,“HepasseduptheOlympics.”

Highcomedy.EverymajorcollegeplayertriedoutforthatteamexceptforSam.Seemlikearedflagtoyou?Nahhhhhhhh.

0:18.TheBowiehighlightpackagefinisheswithafrozenpictureofBowieandagraphicwithhis

’84 stats: 10.5 points, 9.2 rebounds, 52% FG, 72% FT. In other words, hiscollegestatswereworsethanMychalThompson’sNBAstats.Whatanupgrade!83Meanwhile,AlandLouhavethefollowingexchange.

AL:AndLou,whatdoyousay forayoungplayerwhosatout two formativeyearsandhascomebacktoregainit?

ME:“Don’tpickhim”?

LOU:Well, I think it shows the typeofperseverance thathehas, thathewasabletowithstandallthatmiseryandcomebackandperform,andlookwhereheisnow.

(Note: nothing gets fans more fired up than words like “perseverance” and“withstandingallthatmisery.”ScrewthatJordanguyandhisstupiddunking!)

0:18.Doucette interviewsBowie,who seems likea tragic figure in retrospect;it’s like watching Jackie Kennedy at LBJ’s swearing-in with JFK’s blood alloverherdress.Theirfirstexchange:

DOUCETTE: Sam, um, courage has been your middle name, you’ve had toreally fight back from some adversity, and I know a lot of folks particularlyyourselfarehappytoseethisdayarrive.

SAM:Right,Ihadatwo-yearlayoffwithmyleginjury,butifIdidn’thavethesupportofthecommunityofLexingtonandthestateofKentucky,Idon’tknowifIwouldhavebeenabletodoitwithouttheirhelp.

(ImaginebeingaBlazersfanandwatchingthis.MadpropstoSamfordefyingtheoddsandcomingback,butwhy takea“defying theodds”guywithasurethingontheboard?Whyevenriskit?Why?Why?Answerme!Why?)

0:19.It’sonlygettingbetter…

DOUCETTE: [The Blazers] tell me that they put you through an extensivephysical before theymade a decision on you.And the end resultwas a goodone?

SAM(smilingsheepishly):Well,IwentuptoPortlandandtheygavemeaboutaseven-hourphysical, theydidn’t letanythingout,so,uh,Idon’tknowif that’sreferringbacktotheBillWaltonsituation,Iknowhehadastressfracture,butasfarasI’mconcernedI’m100percentsound.84

(Waitasecondwaitasecondwaitasecond … a seven-hour physical? This is likewatchingtheHindenburgtakeoff.)

0:20.CuttobothChicagorepssmilinghappilyatChicago’stable85asAlsetsup number three by taking a dramatic pause, lowering his voice and finallysaying, “Michael Jordan seems to be the next one up.” For the first time intwentyminutes,Louseemslikehemightbeawake:

“Mmmmmm, everyone’s excited about that one. He really captures theimagination.”Thenagain,youcouldsaythesameaboutaseven-hourphysical.

Nowitgetsreallygood…

AL:Youknow,therewasaquestionalittleearlierperhaps,Portlandtoyingwiththe idea of the great, can’t-miss talent ofMichael Jordan against SamBowie,who,uh,whoofcourse,comingofftheinjury,hesaysheissound,Portlandhascheckedhimoutthroughaseven-hourtest,butthequestionisBowiegoingnowoverthecourseofan82-gameschedule.

LOU(nodding):Itisacalculatedrisk.

(Note:Atthispoint,everyBlazersfanin1984hadthrownupintheirmouthatleastalittle.)

0:22. A giddy Stern: “The Chicago Bulls pick Michael Jordan, from theUniversityofNorthCarolina.”

The crowd applauds and cheers. They know already. That’s followed by amontageofexcitingearlyMJhighlightswithAltellingus,“Thismanisacan’t-miss”andasuddenlylivelyLouadding,“Youknow,hemakesthemwhentheycount,hecandoitintraffic,hecandoitundertremendouscontrol,he’sagreat,greatcreator, in themoldofaDr.J,notasbig,but is in thatclass,Michael isgonnamakeagreat,greatplayer,he’swhatyoucallthePeople’sPlayer,peoplelove to see this young man perform.” Al caps it off by saying, “He is starmaterial,agreatshooter,superbathleticability,therearemanyteamsthattriedtoprythatthirdpickfromChicago.”

Imean…

Justreadeverythingfrom0:16to0:22again.We’veseenarevisionisthistoryinrecentyears thatBowie’s selectionwasdefensiblebecause theNBAwassize-obsessed back then. But how can any team roll the dice with red flags like“calculatedrisk,”“seven-hourphysical,”“two-yearlayoff”

and “adversity/courage/perseverance” and pass upwhite flags like “can’t-misstalent,”“great,greatplayer,”“starmaterial,”“surething,”“inthemoldofaDr.J,”“great,greatcreator”and

“People’sPlayer”?Incomprehensible.Totally,completelyincomprehensible.

Which brings us to a special bonus what-if. On the day of the draft, what ifPortland’s decisionmakers took a collective breath, said to eachother, “Wait,arewecrazy?”andreconsideredeverythingonelasttime?It’slikethesecond-to-lastsceneinAllthePresident’sMen,whenWoodwardandBernsteinwakeup

WashingtonPosteditorBenBradleeinthemiddleofthenighttourgehimtoruntheircontroversialreportaboutcorruptionspreadingallthewaythroughRichardNixon’sWhiteHouse.AfraidthatBradlee’shousehasbeenbugged,theybringhimoutsideandfillhiminonthefrontlawn.86Theboyshaven’tsleptintwodays;Bradleeiswearingabathrobeandlookspissedoffsincetheyjustscrewedupthesamestoryafewdaysbefore.FinallyBradleelets themwrite thestory,butnotbeforetellingthem,“Youguysareprettytired,right?Well,youshouldbe.Goonhome,getanicehotbath,restup,fifteenminutes.Thengetyourassesback in gear.We’re under a lot of pressure, you know, and you put us there.Nothing’sridingonthisexcepttheFirstAmendment,theConstitution,freedomofthepress,andmaybethefutureof thecountry.Not thatanyof thatmatters,butifyouguysfuckupagain,I’mgonnagetmad.Goodnight.”

IfBenBradleehadowned theBlazers in1984,hewouldhaveput the fearofGod ineveryonedecidingon thatpickand theywouldhavegravitated towardthe sure thing. Blazers owner Larry Weisberg was reportedly enamored ofJordan,buthewasalsoanunassuming, low-key real estate tycoonwhodidn’tevokethatsameBradlee-liketrepidationinhisstaff.Theyweren’tafraidofhim,and they weren’t afraid of the repercussions. That’s why the Blazers plowedaheadwithSamBowie…andthat’swhytheyfuckedup.Buthey,nothingwasridingonitexceptforthefutureoftheNBA,hundredsofmillionsofdollarsinlostrevenue,somewherebetweenfourandtensquanderedchampionships,andalostopportunitytoemploythegreatestbasketballplayerofalltime.

1.Highschoolers,gowestorsouth:Duke,Virginia,Vanderbilt,UNC,UCLA,Rollins,Pepperdine,Arizona,ASU,Miamiandmypersonalfavorite,UCSantaBarbara.Staywarm.Justtrustme.

2.IthrewthisideaatWilliamGoldman.Histwofavorites:GeorgeRaftturneddownBogie’s part inCasablanca, and theywent afterBrando andBeatty forButchCassidyand theSundanceKidbeforesettlingonRedfordandNewman.“NobodyknowsanythinginHollywood,”hewroteme.

“Neverforgetthat.”SoundsliketheNBA.

3. Please don’t think I likedTitanic— it’s a chick flick and it’s too long. 4. I

would have thrownBillyCrudup in there, but he’s likeVinceCarter—all thetalentintheworldandhejustdidn’twantit.

5.MyfriendChrisConnellydisagreesandbelievesthatLeodidn’thavetherawsexualitytopulloffDigglerbelievably.ThisisanicewayofsayingthatLeoistoomuchofaskinnysissy.6.Itriedtoansweritina2002mailbagandevengotmystepfather involvedbecausehe’swatchedTheGodfather25,712times.WewentwithDeNiro.Barely.

7.It’sliketheLennon-McCartneyproblem—youcan’thavetwoalphadogsinabandorabasketballteam.Itwillimplode.Itwill.

8. I love calling San Francisco “San Fran” even if everyone in the BayAreabristles in disgust.Why should I have to keep typing “Francisco”when I cansave5letters?Whataboutmyfingers?

Thisbookis250,000words!Youcan’tgivemethe“SanFran”thing?

9.When the expansionBulls joined in ’67, theywere placed in theWest andBaltimore finally moved into the East. Although they did briefly consideringkeepingChicagointheEastandthenmovingBostonintotheWest.

10.AccordingtoLeonardKoppett,scoutsworriedthatBarrywastooskinnytohandletheprogame.Evenbackthen,scoutsweredumb.

11. Actual Chad quotes from that column: “Darko is really one of a kind”;“WhatsetsDarkoapartishistoughnessinthepost”;“[CarlosDelfino]remindsmeofMichaelFinley”;“Idon’tlike

[KendrickPerkins] for theCeltics, I’mnotsurehowithelps themin theshortterm or the long term”; “[Maciej Lampe at number thirty is] the steal of thedraft.” I love theESPN.comarchives.As longas I’mnot lookingupmyownhumiliatingpredictions.(EmekaOkaforoverDwightHoward,anyone?)ThenIhatethem.

12.HadDetroittradeddownandgottenWade,nowwe’retalkingaboutmultipletitles. That’s not a fair what-if. Regardless, landing Darko in a top five withBron,Wade,Bosh and ’Melowas like reaching into a brownpaper bag filledwithtwochecksfor$100million,twochecksfor$10

million,andacheckfor$10,andpullingoutthecheckfor$10.

13.Dallasgotsuckeredbyatextbookcontractrun:forthelast3monthsof’04,Dampaverageda13–13and2blocks,highlightedbyback-to-back19–21and16–25gamesinthefinalweek.Takeaway’04andhiscareeraverageisan8–7.Goodguy.

14.CharlesSmithplayedforBostonayearlaterandthrewupenoughbrickstobuild a three-bedroom condo in Charlestown. Another underrated mistake:cuttingGlenRiceandSeanElliott,whichreareditsuglyheadwhenHawkinsgothurtinSeoulandRichmondwassuddenlytheteam’sonlyreliableshooter.Andon top of it, they cut Kerr despite an international three-point line. JohnThompson,everybody!

15.Let’schisel thisonThompson’sHallofFameplaque:SCREWEDUP’88OLYMPICS,COST

USA GOLD right above the spot where it says HAD MOURNING ANDMUTOMBOATSAME

TIME,

16.My favorite awful ChrisWallacemoves: tying upBoston’s cap space forthreeyearswithanalcoholicmakingthemax(VinBaker);takingDenver’s11thpickin’01whenhecouldhavekeptrollingthatpickover,thenpickingKedrickBrown;tradinganumberoneforJuanCarlosNavarro;tradingJoeJohnsonandanumberoneforRodneyRogersandTonyDelkwithoutsigningRogerstoanextension first; picking Joe Forte over Tony Parker; spending $21million onDarko Milicic; giving away Gasol in a garage sale and getting his youngerbrother,whichwasliketradingSlyStallonein1988for3youngcharacteractorsandFrank;buyingBroadcast.comfromMarkCubanfor3billion.Yeah,Iknowhedidn’tdothelastone,butitjustseemedlikesomethinghewouldhavedone.

17.Holdon,I’mnotdonewithWallace.MybuddyHouseandIranintohiminaBostonbarafterIslammedtheBakerdealonESPN.com.Hetriedtoexplainthe logic, which was nice of him—but the explanation ended up being sobrainless thatHousepretended togopissandnevercameback.Thehighlight:whenWallace claimed ShammondWilliamswas the key to the deal.When IaskedwhyWallacedidn’tatleastswapfirst-rounderswithSeattleonceoverthenext five years—which they would have done because, you know, they were

desperate to get Baker and all—Wallace briefly had a look on his face like,“Shit,whydidn’tIthinkofthat?”Itwassurreal.ThankGodIhadawitnessinHouse.

18.How you know an event qualifies:Will you always rememberwhere youwatched it? (Check.)Didyouknowhistorywasbeingmade? (Check.)Wouldyou have fought anyonewho tried to change the channel? (Check.) Did yourheadstarttoacheafterawhile?(Check.)Didyourstomachfeelfunny?(Check.)Didyouendupwatchingaboutfourhourstoolong?(Check.)Werethereafew“canyoubelievethis”–typephonecallsalongtheway?(Check.)Didyousay“Ican’tbelievethis”atleastfiftytimes?(Check.)

19.ThatgameistheNBA’sversionofthe18missingminutesoftheWatergatetapes.Ifyoutrytowatchit,youcoulddielikethecharactersinTheRing.

20. The lowlights: Reggie Miller retired; O’Neal morphed into an overpaidunder-achieverwithabadattitudeandwassentpackingtoToronto;JacksonandJamaal Tinsley were peripherally involved in a strip club shooting; their fansgrewtoloathethepostmeleeteamsopassionatelythatthePacerspanickedandsent Al Harrington and Jackson to Golden State for a Mike Dunleavy/TroyMurphypu-pucontractplatter;andtheylostareported$30millionin2009andmightbeathreattorelocate.NoteventheBasketballJesuscansavethem.21.Idon’tthinktheywinthe’04,’05or’07titleswithKidd.Hepeakedin’02and’03 and would have been blamed if they didn’t win, which only would havemade things worse. 22. Well, unless you’re Mark Cuban—he gave up twonumberonesand$11millionfor theright topayKidd three timesasmuchasDevinHarris(a2009All-Star).

23. Orlando never got properly skewered for this one. Who overpays for anNBAstarrecoveringfromafracturedankle?IhopeeverywannabeGMlearnsonelessonfromthisbook:don’tmesswithbrokenfeetandbrokenankles.

24. I’m wired differently: I would have been like, “Good luck, everybody!Thanksforthememories!”

25.Agreatparallel:BillyCorganstartedoutjustasfastasCobain;by2001,hewasanegocentricbaldguywhomademusicnobodybought.NobodycaresthatSmashingPumpkinsvs.Nirvanawasasemilegitimateargumentin1994,orthatthe12bestPumpkinsongsmightbebetterthanthebest12Nirvanasongs.The

factremains,Nirvanacamefirstandpavedtheway.It’s likecomparingDavidThompsontoDr.J.Thestatsmightbackyouup,butyoustillcan’tdoit.26.MydadstillcomplainsabouttherefsinGame4,whentheKnicksralliedfroma16-point deficit with help from Jack Madden and Jake O’Donnell and won indouble OT. Heinsohn chased the refs into the MSG tunnel afterward. WhenMaddenscrewedthe’91CelticsonabogusoffensivegoaltendingcalltoendtheDetroit series,mydadyelped, “JackMaddenhatesus!He’sbeen screwinguseversinceyouwereborn!”

27.Thisonegnawsatme.Birdwasridingthebiggesthotstreakofhiscareer:back-to-backbuzzer-beaters inJanuary, the60-pointgameandmemorableass-whuppingsofClevelandandDetroitinthePlayoffs.HeshowedupforpracticebeforeGame3of thePhilly serieswith a heavilybandaged right index fingerand started throwing up bricks. Averaging a 30–10 on 52 percent shootingbeforeGame3,theLegendflounderedtoa21–7with40percentshootingforhislast9

playoff games. Both theGlobe andHerald connected the dots that summer,reportingthatbetweenGames2and3ofthePhillyseries,BirdgotintoafightataBostonbarcalledChelsea’sandpunchedoutabartendernamedMikeHarlow(eventually settling out of court with him). So much for the ’85 title. MikeHarlowcamethissssssssssclosetogettinghisownwhat-ifinthischapter.28.Imistakenly attempted the “fourth person singular tense,” as perfected byWillLeitchduringhis reignasDeadspin editor.Wedon’tknowwhyhewrote thatway,butwealwaysfounditinteresting.

29.Thesmokinggun:KobewasrepresentedbyRobPelinka,whoorchestratedCarlosBoozer’ssleazymovefromClevelandtoUtah.

30. Devil’s advocate view: maybe Kobe just realized, “What the hell am Idoing?It’stheClippers!

AmIcrazy?”

31.Duringthe’80season,idiotCavsownerTedStepientradedButchLeeandhis ’82 number one for an ’80number one (destined to suck since theLakerswere a top-four team) andDonFord, a run-of-the-mill swingmanwho lookedlikeacrossbetweenCraigEhloandTedMcGinley.WiththeexceptionofMikeBratz,therehasneverbeenaworseplayertradedforafranchise-alteringnumber

one.

32. Worthy averaged a 16–6 and shot 57 percent as a UNC senior; Wilkinsaverageda21–8andshot53percentasaUniversityofGeorgia junior.’NiquegotknockedoutoftheFinalFour;Worthyshinedinthetitlegamewitha28–17.

33.WorthycouldhaveplayedwithBizarroWorthy(TomChambers)onthe’83Clips.Iwillexplain.

34.Yes,Iwrotethisatthetime.Repeatedly.Foranyonereadingthisbookfrom2030on, the guyAtlanta took insteadwas a forward namedMarvinWilliamswhocouldn’tstartforUNCthepreviousyear.Ithoughtthiswasabadsign.

35. Inconsecutivedrafts,HawksGMBillyKnight tookMarvinWilliamsoverPaulandSheldenWilliamsoverBrandonRoy.There’sa17percentchancehejustsoldyouthisbookatanAtlantaBordersorBarnes&Noble.Tall,late’40s,black,seemedsad…wasthathim?

36. Iwouldhave said“nextdecade”but supposedlyRoy’sknee ligamentsaremadeoutofthisbook.Bytheway,there’sa98.5percentchancethat“WhatifPortland had taken Durant over Oden?” will crack The Second Book ofBasketballin2016.

37. Remember when the Texans tookMarioWilliams over Reggie Bush andeveryone gave them copious amounts of shit? It was the best thing that everhappened to Williams; he killed himself to prove everyone wrong. NBAexamples along the same lines: Paul, KarlMalone,MJ, Paul Pierce, RashardLewis and Caron Butler. Most underrated example: Tom Brady. 38. Evenweirder:theKnicksboughtBobMcAdoofromBuffalo20gamesintotheseasonandgavehimthesamemoneytheywouldhavegiventoDoc.Huh?WiltflirtedwithaKnickscomebackthatsamesummer—potentially,theKnickscouldhavetrottedoutWilt,Haywood,Doc,FrazierandMonroe.

39. This also ranks among the great what-ifs if you were a dealer living inManhattanintheearly

’80s.NoMichealRayinNewYork?

40. Thiswas likeMarbury forKidd, onlywith theRussian roulette aspect of“each guy has battled serious coke/alcohol problems and will either make or

breakourfranchise.”Andyes,theWarriorswerebroken.TheydumpedhimtoJersey for SleepyFloyd fourmonths later. 41.Hold on, this gets better.Your2005NBAExecutiveoftheYear?That’sright,Mr.BryanColangelo!IlovetheNBA.

42. I’mnot totallyabsolvingJohnsonhere.So theydickedhimarounda little.Whenyou’replayingwithSteveNash,doyouknowwhat thatmeans?You’replayingwithSteveNash!Whygivethatupunlessyouhaveto?

43.TheydowngradedfromDengorIguodalatoRondotoFernandeztonothing… which means they traded a number seven pick in a loaded draft for $4.9million,lessthantheypaidBankstositontheirbenchin’07.Welldone!

44. My buddy JackO and I have been joking about that workout for years.Unless Pennywasmaking halfcourt shotswhile stepping on broken glass andswinginghisgenitalslikealasso,there’snoeffingwaythatoneworkoutshouldhaveswayedtheMagicfromaWebber/Shaqcombo.None.

45. I hate theMagic, Jazz, theHeat and everyone else for thewhole “It feelsfunnyusing‘they’

whenyouwriteaboutateamwhosenamedoesn’tendinans”conundrum.46.PoorCarter endedup signinga two-year, $1.5milliondealwithSanAntonio,withDuffy’sagencyrepayingCarterthelostwagesfromtheMiamideal.Oneofmytop-12can’t-be-provenNBAconspiracytheoriesever:MiamipaidDuffyto“forget”tosendthatletter.47.WhentheLakersre-signedKobethatsummer,asecrethandshakepromisetotradeShaqASAP

waspartofthedeal.Iknowthisforafact.Let’sjustsayIhadafewdrinkswiththerightpersononce.

48.ItookthissectionfromaFebruary’08column.Withinninetyminutesofitbeing posted, an enterprising readermade a homemade version of the ad andposteditonYouTube.I’veneverbeenprouder.

49.BrowneSanderswasthefellowKnicksemployeewhosuedIsiahforsexualharassmentandwon.Isiahcouldhavesettledoutofcourtbutcouldn’tevenpullthat deal off. 50. During the Browne Sanders lawsuit, it was revealed thatStephonMarbury had boinked a femaleMSG intern named Kathleen DeckeroutsideastripclubinhisSUV.TheDailyNewsshowedapictureoftheSUVon

its front page with the headline, “Truck party!” Basically, the name for my2007–8 fantasy hoops team fell out of the sky.Also,Decker’s fatherwon the2007

MostHorrifiedDadESPY.

51.“Waitasecond,there’saJackTwymansection?”youask.You’refuckin’-Arightthere’saJackTwymansection!

52.Youhavetoloveadraftthathadtwoofthetop20what-ifsplayingoffthesame scenario. I hope you fledgling GMs learned something in this chapter:don’t tradenumberonepicksfiveyearsdowntheroadforguyslikeDonFordandOtisThorpe.By theway, the guywhomade those trades and helped killprofessional basketball inVancouver—Stu Jackson—was improbably hired bySternandgivenaperplexingamountofpower thisdecade. Ihad twodifferentconnectedNBA friends inadvertentlymake the same joke: if Stern isMichaelCorleone,StuisdefinitelyFredo.InFredo’sdefense,Idon’tthinkevenhecouldhaveruinedbasketball inVancouver thatquickly.Eitherway,IhopeStu turnsdowneveryoneofStern’sinvitationstogofishing.53.Inretrospect,weshouldhaveknownthataguynamedRalphwasn’tgoingtobeoneofthebestcentersever.HadheembracedtheMuslimfaithandchangedhisnametoKabaarAbdul-SampsonorRaheemSampson,he’dhavebeenunstoppable.Lookatthenamesofthebestplayersever:they’reallgreatnamesthatyou’dgiveasportsmoviecharacter.MichaelJordan.BillRussell.MagicJohnson.JerryWest.LarryBird.MosesMalone.You’dnevernametheleadofasportsmovieRalphSampsonorDarkoMilicic.

54. Two of Sampson’s three defining moments involved Boston anyway: hisscaryfallinMarch

’86(ithappenedintheGarden,soitmakesyouwonderifghostswereinvolved),and the punch he threw at six-foot-one Jerry Sichting in Game 5 of the ’86Finals,leadingtoBoston’sfansrattlinghisconfidenceinGame6(andthedebutoftheRalphSampson“IhopeIgetoutofherealive”

face).

55. This was the second-best buzzer-beater other than JerryWest’s halfcourtshotinthe1970

Finals.Howmanyseriesendonatwisting,180-degreeflingshotthathappensinunderasecond?

Andtheydiagrammeditinahuddletoboot!

56.HoustonwonGames2,3and4by10,8,and10,withHakeemscoring75inGames 3 and 4. Pat Riley later lamented, “We tried everything.We put fourbodiesonhim.Wehelpedfromdifferentangles.He’sjustagreatplayer.”TheRockets badly outreboundedL.A. in their fourwins.AsSI’s JackMacCallumwroteafterward,“TheRocketsheadedinto[theFinals]secureintheknowledgethat they had gone over, around and through the Lakers. And everybody elseknewit,too.”

57.Lloydwasdevastatingintransitionandstartlinglyefficient:from’84to’86,heaverageda16–4–4on53%shooting.He’salsothestartingtwo-guardonthe“NowthatI’mwatchingthisgame20yearslateronESPNClassic,Icantotallyseehimfailingadrugtest—he’sgotcrazyeyes!”All-Stars.

58. Sampson went up for a dunk, got blocked, got twisted awkwardly andcrashedtothegroundsoviolentlythattheGardenmadeanohhhhhhhsoundandwentdeathlyquiet.Helandedrightonhisheadandback,almostlikehefelloutof a bunk bed while sleeping. They carried him off on a stretcher a foot tooshort, so hismammoth legs dangled off it. Here’s how bad the injury lookedwhenithappened:IactuallyrememberwhereIwaswhenIwatcheditlive(mymom’s bedroom—she had a great TV). You know it’s a watershed momentwhenyoucanrememberwhereyouwatchedit.

59. Personally, I think theLakers should retire the number ofHouston’s cokedealer,aswellastheCelticwhofouledSampsoninthat’86gameinBoston.

60.It’sreallytoobadthatESPNlegalanalystRogerCossackwasn’taroundthen—hewouldhavebeenmorevisiblethanMelKiperJr.duringthemonthoftheNFLDraft.61.CharlieScott andMelDanielsbailedon the leagueduring the’73seasonandgotawaywithit.Soitdidhappen.TheABAonlyhadthelegalresourcestopicktheirspotsandblockbiggerstarslikeRickBarry.

62.YouhavetolovethewaytheNBAoperatedinthemid-’70s.TheJazzsaid,“Um,hey,we’vebeen thinkingabout it—we’d loveamulliganon thatMosesdecision,”andCommissionerO’Brien’sofficesaid,“Noproblem—here’syournumberoneback!”Givenhowhaphazardlythingswererunbackthen,itmakes

youwonderiftheycalledO’Brien,hewasontheotherline,hissecretaryaskedwhat the callwas about, the Jazz told her, she said “Hold on” andpassed themessageontoO’Brien,andhewavedheroffbysaying“Fine,fine,justtellthemyes”beforegettingbacktohisphonecallwithBenBradleeorWalterMondale.63.Yes, the Jazz probablywouldn’t have earned the number one overall pickthreeyearslaterhadtheyjustkeptMoses,sincehewontheMVP3yearslater.That“MosesandMagic”linejustlookedimposingonpaper,youhavetoadmit.

64.Thispartkillsme.Howdid theydecideon$232,000?Somebodyneeds towriteabookdetailingeveryfucked-upthingthathappenedintheNBAin1976.It could be 1,200 pages. 65. The Buffalo pick ended up being number threeoverall in ’78: Portland sent it to Indiana along with Johnny Davis for thenumberoneoverallpick,takingMychalThompsonasWaltoninsurance.MaybeThompsonwasn’t a Pantheon center, but hewas good enough to get his owngoofyNikeposter:justThompsonwearingaHawaiianshirtandholdingaparrotwhilesittingbyatropicalpool.Theimplicationbeing…Idon’tknow.

66.On January25,1977,oneweekafterSIwrote a “LookathowMoseshasignitedtheRockets”

feature,TatesLocke(theguywhoquicklyburiedMosesinBuffalo)wasfiredastheBraves’headcoach.Thiswasnotacoincidence.FortheLostfansoutthere,three-plus decades of bad luck for the Braves/Clippers started right after theyfiredJackandreplacedhimwithLocke.67.NewJerseytradedthepickafourthtime, leading to theMichealRayera inNewYork.Sadly, Iamoutofcocainejokes.I’mtapped.

68.Nowadays,we have aCatastropheRule: an emergency expansion draft inwhicheveryteamcanonlyprotectfourorfiveguys.Thenthatteamgetsthetoppick of the next draft (plus its own pick). It’s a good thing this isn’t widelyknownbecauseanirateKnicksfanwouldhavetamperedwiththeteam’scharterduringtheIsiahera.

69. And one sappy Disney movie in the late ’90s with Samuel L. JacksonplayingElginandMatthewMcConaugheyplayingHotRodHundley ina filmcalledCornfieldofDreamsorFinalFlight.

70.Iboughtthisbookfor$6online;thehighlightwasreadingit,gleaningalltheinformationIneeded,thenstartingabonfirewithitinmybackyard.Inthewords

ofMarvAlbert,“KareemAbdul-Jabbarisonfire!”

71.Lookingback,it’sthebiggestNBAturnovereverotherthanIsiah’spassthatthe Legend picked off (1987) and Mail Fraud getting stripped right beforeJordan’s last shot (1998). It’s too bad theABAdidn’t haveGeorgeMcGinnishold the check; he would have turned it right over. 72. Remember, Bias wassupposedtotakethetorchfromRussell,HavlicekandBird.That’showgoodhewas.Also,therewasacapinplaceby’86andownerslikeTedStepienweren’tstupidlygivingawaynumberonepicksanymore.Itwassignificantlytoughertoimprove. Fuck. 73. I know Imentioned this twice but it continues to killme.Remember,Birdroutinelygotboredduringgames,spententirehalvesshootingleft-handedandonceplayedan ’86gamewhereheandWalton tried to figurehowmanydifferentwaystheycouldrunaplaywhereBirdthrewitintoWalton,thencuttowardthebasketandcaughtareturnpassfromWalton.You’retellingmehewouldn’thavesaid,“IwanttoseeifIcangetLen15alley-oopstonight”?I am shaking my head. 74. My hypothetical top ten: Bird, Magic, Sampson,Isiah,Bernard,Moses,’Nique,Moncrief,McHale,BuckWilliams.

75.Ifoundthisinformationonline—IrefusedtobuyLivingtheDreambecauseitsoundedsoawful.AstrongstatementfromsomeonewhoboughtGive’EmtheHook by TommyHeinsohn. 76. Philly’s offer never became public.One yearlater,HaroldKatztriedtoswapDocforTerryCummingsbeforeDoccalledhimoutandtheentirecityofPhiladelphiaturnedonKatz.Althoughthat’snotsayingmuch. Philly would turn onme just formaking fun of them in this footnote.Crap,theregoesanotherbooksigning.

77. They had just been burned by two questionable high draft picks: Ronnie

Lester(badknees)andQuintinDailey(badsoul).Theywantedasurething.

78.Thetwobestplayersinprolongedtryoutsthatincludedeveryrelevantnamefromthe’84and

’85 drafts? Jordan andBarkley. Chuck ended up getting cut afterKnight toldhim to lose weight and Barkley went the other way. Other cuts: Malone,Stockton, Joe Dumars, and Terry Porter. Guys whomade it: Jeff Turner, JoeKleine, SteveAlford and JonKoncak. I thinkChrisWallace andDavidDukewereadviserstoKnightthatsummer.

79.Or they could have overwhelmedHouston for Sampson: the number two,DrexlerandFatLever.

80. You know what’s interesting? Houston just passed up the greatest playereverand Istill feel like theymade the rightpick.Youalwaysgowitha sure-thingcenteroverasure-thingguard.Always.

81.Sternalwayssaidtheentirefranchise’snameduringthisdraftexceptthisonetime:Heskippedthe“TrailBlazers”part,likehewastryingtogetoffthestageasfastaspossible.Youcan’tblamehim.

82.During the same summerThe SureThingwith JohnCusackwas released.Coincidence?Isayno!

83.DidBowie’s staggeringlyunstaggeringcollegestats remindyouofanyoneelse?I’mthinkinganOSUcenter,numberonepick,looked20yearsolderthanhisage,alsoplayedforPortland…

84.Worthmentioning:Samwasextremelypolishedandhandledhimselfwell.Ifeel bad for the guy. I mean, it’s not his fault they drafted him over Jordan,right?And hewas a quality centerwhen hewas healthy.Whichwas only 54percentofhis career, but still. 85. If youeverget a chance towatch this clip,check out the look on the guy who’s on the phone for Chicago—he’s sodelighted,itlookslikehe’sgettingblownunderthetable.We’llneverknowforsure.

86.JasonRobardswonaBestSupportingActorOscarasBradleeinoneofmyfavoriteperformancesever.HeownseverysceneofamoviewithRedfordandHoffman in it. Within seven years, he was playing the lead inMax Dugan

Returns.Idon’tgetHollywood.

FIVE

MOSTVALUABLECHAPTER

SAYWHATYOUwantabouttheNBA,butfifteenofitsrunningfeaturesandsubplotsdistinguishitfromeveryotherprofessionalsport(inagoodway):1.AwildlyentertainingrookiedraftthathelpedcalibratemyUnintentionalComedyScale.Thingssettleddownover thelastfewyearswhenagentsandPRpeoplerealized things like, “Maybewe shouldn’t sendhim to thedraftdressed like apimp”and

“Maybeit’snotagoodideatogiveDavidSternafullbody,genitals-on-genitalshugafteryougetpicked,”butit’sstilloneofmyfavoriteTVnightsoftheyear,ifonlybecauseJayBilashasatonoflengthandaridiculouswingspan.

2.Adress code for injuredplayers that, after an adjustmentperiod,ultimatelyledtofashionablydressedscrubshoppingontothecourtaftertime-outstodoleoutchestbumpsandhighfives.WewitnessedablossomingoftheOverexcitedThirteenthManinthe’08Playoffs;ifWalterHerrmannwastheJackieRobinsonofthismovement,thenBrianScalabrinewasLarryDobyandScotPollardwasDonNewcombe.Whereelsecanyouseea$2,000leatherjacketgetstainedwithsweatbyachestbump?

3.Courtsideseatsthatserveadoublepurpose:First,they’rehardtogetwithoutconnectionsorunlessyouhave six figures sitting around for season tickets. Ifyou’re sitting in them,your success in lifehasbeenvalidated in some strangeway,evenifeveryonesittingineverynon-courtsideseatprobablythinksyou’rean asshole. (It’s the same phenomenon as sitting in first class and watchingeveryoneelse sizeyouup indisgustas they’reheaded tocoach,multipliedbyfifty.)Andsecond,it’sthebestpossibleseatinanysport.You’rerightontopofthecourt,youheareveryorder,swear,joke,insultortrash-talkmoment,andifyou’reluckyenoughtobesittingrightnexttooneofthebenches,youcanhearthem discussing strategy in the huddle.1 There isn’t another sports fanexperiencelikeit.I’devenarguethatthetwelveseatsbetweenthetwobenches—six on each side of the midcourt line, or as they’re commonly known, theNicholsonSeats—arethesinglegreatestsetofseatsforanyprofessionalsport.4. Cheerleaders dressing like hookers and acting like strippers. Can’t forget

them.5.ForeignplayersenteringtheNBAwithheavyaccents,thenpickingupahip-hoptwangoverthecourseofafewseasonsfrombeingaroundblackpeopleallthetime.Icallthis

“DetlefSyndrome”becauseSchrempfwastheultimateexample;bythehalfwaypointofhiscareer,hesoundedliketheGermanguysinBeerfestcrossedwiththeWu-TangClan.It’sjustashamethatArnoldSchwarzeneggerdidn’ttrainatanall-blackgymintheseventies;wereallycouldhaveseensomethingspecial.2

6.AnevenweirderphenomenonthanDetlefSyndrome:forreasonsthatremainunclear, the NBA causes some journalists to write NBA-related columns orfeatureslikethey’re

“writing black.” Unquestionably, it’s the worst journalistic trend of the lasttwenty years other than the live blog. I never understood the mind-set here:Thereareagreatmanyblackplayers in thissport; therefore, Imustmakemyprosealittlemoreurban.Really?That’slogical?Idon’tgetit.Youfeelin’me?Word.ThisisonephatbookI’mwriting,yo.Recognize.

7.Realfansyankedfromthestandstoshoothalfcourtshotsforcars,moneyorwhateverelse isbeingoffered.Whatothersportallowsfans tobecomepartofthe action like that? Of course, they never come close because of the little-known rule thatonlyunathleticpeople, femalesorpeopleweighingover threehundredpoundsarechosenforthehalfcourtshot.Butstill,atleastit’sexciting.3

8.Themostsimpleyetrevealingstatisticsinanysport:points,rebounds,steals,blocks,assists, free throws, fieldgoals, threesand turnovers.Over thepast tenyears,aseriesofstatfreaksinspiredbythebaseballrevolutionpushedavarietyofconvolutedstatisticsonus,butreally,youcandeterminetheeffectivenessofnearlyanyplayerbyexamininganNBAboxscore.Rarelydoesapost-1973boxscoredeceive,althoughafewsubtlestatscouldbecreatedtomakethingsevenbetter.We’lldelveintothisduringtheWesUnseldsection.4

9.Whatothersportoffersthebroken-nosemaskthatRipHamiltonpopularized?Forhowprevalentthesethingshavebeenforthepastthirtyyears,Ican’tbelievewe never came up with a nickname for it. A few years ago I launched anunsuccessfulmovementtonameit“theSchnozzaroo.”Nevercaughton.What’sstrange is that they’re such an afterthought for playerswho care deeply abouttheirpostgamewardrobe,theirappearance,theirshoes—andyetthey’llslideon

thesehomely,blandplasticmaskswithoutsprucingthemup.Shouldn’ttheybepainting them thewaygoalies decorate theirmasks in hockey, ormaybe evenwearing an intimidating, Hannibal Lecter-style mask for a big playoff game?Whataboutputtingadvertisingonit(liketheNikelogo)?

We need to spruce up the Schnozzaroos. You have to love a league that justspawnedthisparagraph.

10.Telecasts with Hubie Brown, a man who mastered the hypothetical first-person plural tense over the past twenty-five years and transformed it into acommon conversation device. What would our lives have been like withoutHubie? IwishPaulThomasAndersonhadcasthimas JackHorner’s assistantdirector inBoogie Nights, just so we could have had amoment like this oneduringthefilmingofSpanishPantalones:

“Okay,let’ssayI’mDirkDigglerinthisscene.I’mhookingupwithRollergirl,I’monawaterbed,I’mhornyashell,I’mSpanish,I’mhunglikeahorseandmypants are on fire. Now I’m thinking about rolling Rollergirl over frommissionarytodoggiestylebecauseIknowthatI’mkeepingmyoptionsopenandI cango right fromdoggie into anotherposition. I alsoknow that I shouldbethinkingaboutusingaSpanishaccent….”

11. The unique-to-the-NBA phenomenon where a traded player looksdramatically different in his new uniform. Sometimes it looks like he’s beenreborn,sometimesit’slikehe’sfinallyfoundtheperfectcolor/style,sometimeshelookslikesomething’sdrasticallywrong,andinrarecasestheuniformmakeshimlookslower,fatterandlessathletic(likeShaqwhenhejoinedtheSuns).IrememberwhenKwameBrowngottradedtotheLakersandlookedmagnificentin his new duds: his arms looked bigger, he seemed more imposing and hecarriedhimselfdifferently.Forallweknew,hehad transformed intoJermaineO’Neal.Butabsolutelynothinghadchangedtalent-wiseexceptthatheturnedaWizards jersey into a Lakers jersey. As we soon found out. Because KwameBrown sucks. Still, for those first few Lakers games, he looked pretty damngood. It’s just unfortunate that actors, politicians and singers can’t takeadvantage of the new-uniform phenomenon; people like Jakob Dylan, MattLeBlanc,JoeBidenandAdamDuritzcouldhaveremadetheircareers.

12. In my lifetime, David Stern narrowly edges Pete Rozelle as thecommissionerwiththemostdominantpersonality,someonewhoalwayskepthis

leagueincompletecontrol,gainedsuchpowerandprominencethatweactuallywondered if he had fixed certain games or banned certain superstars withouttelling us, spawned a generation of legendary,BillBrasky-like “Did you hearaboutthetimeSternspenttwentyminutes f-bombing_______________[nameatleasttwoexecutivesfromanycompany,sponsor,networkortheleagueitselffromthepasttwenty-fiveyears]?”storiesandanecdotes,andleftsuchalegacythatheinspiredonewriter(inthiscase,me)tomakeasemiseriouscaseinonecolumn forwhyDavidStern shouldbeour next president. Just like therewillnever be anotherMagic,Michael or Larry, therewill never be anotherDavidStern.5

13.Motherswhoshowupforhomegames,gooverboardsupportingtheirsonsandsometimesmakefoolsoutofthemselves.EverytimeIthinkbacktoaSixersgame during the Iverson era, itmakesme jealous that I can’twrite this bookrightnowwithtwentythousandfanscheeringmeonasmymomsitsinthefrontrowwearingaSimmonsjersey,whoopingitupandholdingasignthatsays,MYBABYISTHE

SPORTSGUYANDHE’SALLTHAT!

14.Tattoos.Tonsandtonsoftattoos.Noothersporthasyousayingthingslike,“IwonderwhatthoseChinesecharactersstandfor”and“Waitasecond,isthatNotoriousB.I.G.’s faceon thepointguard’s rightarm?”MybuddyJackOhasbeen arguing for years that, along with a game program, home teams shouldhandoutatattooprogramthatexplainstheoriginofeverytattooonbothteams(completewithpictures).Likeyouwouldn’tthumbthroughitduringtime-outs?

15.TheMostValuablePlayerawardthatmattersthemost.

(Soundofarecordscreechingtoahalt.)

Wait,youdon’tbelieveme?CanyounamethelasttenNFLMVPs?Youcan’t.Canyounamethelast tenMVPsineachbaseball league, thendefinitivelysaywhichguywasbettereachyear?Nope.DoyouevenknowthenameoftheNHLMVP trophy, much less the last ten winners? 6 Unless you’re Canadian,probablynot.OnlytheNBAtapsthefullpotentialoftheMostValuablePlayer

concept: everyone plays against each other, it’s relatively simple to comparestatistics,andifyouwatchthegames,youcanalmostalwaysfigureoutwhichplayersstandout.Youonlyhavetofollowtheseason.IfyoucombinetheMVPvotingwiththeAll-NBAteams,theplayoffresults,andindividualstatistics,youendupwithareasonablesnapshotofexactlywhathappenedthatNBAseason,muchlikehowthefourmajorOscarawardsreasonablycapturewhathappenedinHollywoodfromyeartoyear.

Ofcourse,thereareexceptions.CharlesBarkleywonthe’93MVPeventhoughJordanwasstillthebestplayeraliveandproveditauthoritativelyintheFinals.Well, you know whose name sits next to “1993 NBAMVP” for the rest ofeternity?Barkley.That’s just theway this crapworks.Oneyear later,ForrestGumpwonBestPictureoverTheShawshankRedemption andPulpFiction. Ifyou could onlywatch one of those threemovies again,which onewould youpick?Ibetyou’renotpickingGump.Ifyou’reoldenoughtorememberwalkingoutof the theaterafter those threemovies in ’94,whichone leftyou themostblown away? Again I bet you’re not picking Gump. I remember seeing aShawshankmatineewithmygirlfriendatthetime,7limpingoutofthetheaterindisbelief, then sitting in her car afterward having an “I can’t believe howfreaking amazing thatwas” conversation and not departing the parking lot forfifteensolidminutes.Thatdefinitelydidn’thappenwhenIwalkedoutofGump.Although I do rememberwondering how JennyGump died of AIDSwhen ithadn’tbeencreatedyet.

Sowhydidn’tShawshankwintheOscar?Becauseithadacrappytitle.8IftheyhadgonewithagenericHollywoodtitlelikeHopeIsaGoodThingorCrawlingtoFreedom,morepotentialmoviegoerswouldhaveunderstoodthepremiseandseen it.When flipping throughmovie times ina1994newspaper,youweren’tgravitating toward theprisonmoviewith the confusing title andadouche likeTimRobbinsintheleadingrole.Believeme,Iwasnearlyoneofthosepeople.Ispecifically remember not wanting to see Shawshank until my dad (an earlyShawshank lover) told me something crazy like, “Look, if you don’t see thismovie within the next forty-eight hours, I’m coming over and severing yourcarotidarterywithamachete.”Now?It’soneofthegreatesttitlesofalltime.Iwouldn’t change a thing about it. Back then, it probably cost thatmovie $75

millionandtheOscar.AsforMJ,hedidn’twinthe’93MVPbecauseeveryonewastiredofvotingforhim.That’stheonlyreason.Andit’sashittyone.

Whichbringsusbacktothepointofthischapter:JustbecausesomebodywonanOscaroranMVP

doesn’tnecessarilymeanhedeservedit.SincetheMVPmeansmoretotheNBAthan any other sport, and sincewe’re headed for amammoth “Evaluating theBestPlayersEver”sectioninafewpagesthatinvolvesanEgyptianpyramid—no, really—I thought we’d travel back in time and correct every mistake orinjustice in MVP history. I’m also creating a Playoffs MVP because it’snonsensical thatwehaveawardsfor theregularseasonandFinals,butnothingcoveringeveryplayoffseriesincludingtheFinals.Forexample,the2007Spurswouldn’t have won without Tim Duncan, their entire low-post offense, bestdefender, best rebounder, best shot blocker and emotional leader.With nearlyeighthundredgames (includingplayoffs) andoneknee surgery alreadyonhisodometer,Duncanhadlearnedtopacehimselfduringtheregularseasonbythen,concentrating on defense and rebounding and saving his offensive energy formessagegames andplayoff games. In the regular season, heplayed80gamesand finished with a 20–11–3, shooting a career-high .546 from the field andmakingfirst-teamAll-NBA.Thenheaverageda22–12andblocked62shotsin20playoffgamesastheSpurssweptClevelandintheFinals.Sowhathappened?A French guy (Tony Parker) stole Finals MVP honors for lighting up aparticularly poor group of Cleveland point guards, averaging a 30–4 in thesweepandshooting.568fromthefield.9

Let’s sayyourgreat-grandkid looksback at that season sixtyyears fromnow.DirkNowitzkiwon theMVP,TonyParkerwon theFinalsMVP…andotherthan his first-team All-NBA spot and solid playoff numbers, how would youdiscernthatDuncan,byfar,wasthecrucialplayeronthebestteamofthe2006–7 season?You couldn’t.That’swhy there should be a regular-seasonMVP, aFinalsMVPandaPlayoffsMVP,andthat’swhyI’mhandingoutmyimaginaryPlayoffs MVP, creating a universal definition for regular-season MVP andsettlingeveryerroneouspicksince1956.Butbeforewegetthere,threecrucialMVPwrinkleshavetobementioned:

Wrinkle no. 1. The first award was given out for the 1955–56 season, withplayers controllingMVPvotes andwritershandlingAll-NBAfirst and secondteams. (Only one rule: players couldn’t vote for anyoneon their own team.) Iknowtheywerestill finding theirway in themid-fifties,andgranted, thiswasthe same league that played for eight years before realizing it needed a shotclock.Butgiventheracialclimateofthefiftiesandthegeneralresistancetotheinfluxofblackplayers,howcouldanyonehaveexpectedafairvotewhen85–90percentoftheplayerswerewhite?

Wasn’titmoreofapopularitycontestthananything?Whenyouapplythe“bestplayerisdecidedbyhispeers”concepttomoderntimes,youcanseeitsinherentdangersandpotentialforalackofobjectivity.Criticsarecriticsforareason—it’stheirjobtoobjectivelyevaluatethings.Youcan’texpectplayerstosuddenlybecomeimpartialreviewers.Forinstance,let’ssaythe2008playersconsideredKobetobeaworld-classbully,egomaniacandphony.10Underthisscenario,iftheywerevotingforthe2008MVP,wouldKobehavehadanychanceofpullingit out over Chris Paul, a player everyone respected and loved? 11 AndconsideringtheHornetslovedPaulandwantedhimtowin,wouldn’ttheyhavevotedforsomeonewithoutarealchancelikeLeBron?NBAplayersshouldonlybevotingforthingslikeWorstB.O.,GuyYouDon’tWanttoLeaveAlonewithYour Girlfriend, Least Likely Star to Pick Up a Check, Toughest PokerCompetitor,UgliestPlayerandCraziestMothafuckaYouDon’tWanttoCross.

Wrinkleno. 2.Startingwith the 1979–80 season, a handpicked committee ofjournalistsandbroadcasterswasgiventhevotingreins,creatingmoreproblemsfor obvious reasons (somemight not follow the entire league, somemight bebiasedtowardtheguythey’rewatchingeverynight,somemightbedopesabouttheNBA)and lessobviousones (recognizable starsnowhadanadvantage, asdidsomeonewithoutatrophycompetingagainstapreviouswinner).Startinginthe early nineties, a more subtle problem developed: a group almost entirelycomposed of middle-aged white journalists couldn’t identify with the currentdirectionoftheleague,missedtheaccesstheyoncehadandopenlydespisedthenew generation of me-first, chest-pounding, posse-having, tattoo-showing,commercial-shooting overpaid stars but were still being asked to objectivelydecide on the MVP. I’d say that’s a problem. I once asked a well-known

basketball writer if he had DirecTV’s NBA Season Pass, and he recoiled indisgust,likeIhadaskedhimifhe’deverbeentoasexclubandbangedsomeonethroughagloryholeorsomething.AndthiswasaguywithanMVPvote.Canwereallyrelyontheover-fifty,“IusedtolovetheNBAbeforetheleaguewenttohell”demographictomaketherightdecisions?

Wrinkleno.3.Currentvotersopenlyconfesstobeingconfusedaboutthevotingcriteria, mainly because the NBA powers that be willingly facilitated thatconfusionbyneverdefiningtheterm

“valuable.”Theylikewhenradiohostsandwritersgetbentoutofshapeaboutit.Theywant voters to wonder if it’s an award for the best player or the mostvaluable one, or both, or two-thirds one part and one-third the other part, orwhateverratiosomeoneendsupsettlingon.Weonlyknowthefollowing:

1.It’sanawardfortheregularseasononly.

2.Candidateshavetoplayatleast55games.

3.Whoops,that’sallweknow.

4.

Seehowwemighthavetroublecomingupwiththerightpickannually?That’swhy I pored through every season making sure that every choice was eithercompletelyvalid,relativelyvalid,orinvalid,applyingmyowndefinitionoftheMVP,aformulaIhavebeenrevisingandredefiningforanentiredecadebeforefinallysettlingonthelanguageforlifelastsummer.12Mydefinitionhingesonfourquestionsweightedbyimportance(fromhighesttolowest):

Questionno.1:IfyoureplacedeachMVPcandidatewithadecentplayerathispositionfortheentireseason,whatwouldbethehypotheticaleffectonhisteam’srecords?Youcan’tdefinetheword“valuable”anybetter.Sayyou

switchedChrisPaulforKirkHinrichduringthesummerof’07.HowwouldthenextHornetsseasonhaveturnedout?Theywon57gamesinahistoricallytoughconferencewithanoffensegearedaroundPaul’sonce-in-a-generationskills,andif that’snotenough,hewasabeloved leader, teammate,and teamspokesman.Switch him with Hinrich and they’re probably 30–52 instead of 57–25, andthat’s without mentioning how Paul saved basketball in New Orleans andevolved into one of the NBA’s true ambassadors. Ranking the 2008 MVPcandidatesonlybythisquestion,Paulranksfirst,KevinGarnettsecond,LeBronJamesthird,KobeBryantfourth,andEarlBarronfifth.13

Question no. 2: In a giant pickup gamewith everyNBAplayer availableandtwoknowledgable fans forced topick five-manteams,with their livesdepending on the game’s outcome, who would be the first player pickedbasedonhoweveryoneplayedthatseason?14

Translation:who’s the alphadog that season?TheFinals answer thisquestionmanytimes…butnoteverytime.WethoughtKobewasthealphadogin2008,but afterwatching himwilt 15 againstBoston in theFinals—compared to theway LeBron carried a crappy Cavs team to seven games against Boston andnearly stole Game 7—it’s unclear. This question reduces everything to thesimplestofterms:we’replayingto11,Ineedtowin,Ican’tscrewaroundwiththischoice,andifIdon’tpickthisguy,he’sgonnagetpissedandkickourassesasthesecondpick.Imean,imaginethelookon’97MJ’sfaceifsomeonepicked’97KarlMalonebeforehiminapickupgame.ItwouldhavebeenlikeMichaelCorleoneinGodfatherPartIIwhenKayinformedhimaboutherabortion.

Questionno.3:Tenyearsfromnow,whowillbethefirstplayerfromthatseasonwhopops intomyhead?Everyseasonbelongstosomeonetovaryingdegrees.Why?Justlikethepoliticalmediacanaffectaprimaryorapresidentialcampaign,thebasketballmediacanswinganMVP

race.Theyshapeeveryargumentandstoryfortenmonths,withtheiroverridinggoalbeingtodiscusspotentiallyprovocativeangles,storiesorcontroversiesthathaven’t been picked apart yet.There’s no better example than the ’93 season:Jordanwasstillthebest,butthecontroversialBarkleyhadjustbeenswappedto

Phoenix,thenmadealeapofsortsatthe’92Olympics,emergingastheteam’smost compelling personality and second-best player. Pigeonholed during hisfinal Philly years as a hotheaded, controversial lout who partied too much,wouldn’t shut his trap and showed truly terrible judgment—epitomized by theincidentwhenheaccidentallyspatonayoungfan,followedbythestorybeingtwisted around to “Barkley spits on young fan!”—suddenly everyone wasembracingChuckWagon’ssenseofhumorandcandor.OncehestartedpushinganalreadygoodSunsteamtoanotherlevel,Barkleybecamethestoryofthe

’92–’93 season, a bona fide sensation on Madison Avenue and the mostcharismaticpersonalityinanysport.16

Shouldthat“transformation”havemadehimthemostvaluableplayerin1993?Well,the’92Sunswon53games,shot49.2percentfromthefield,scored112.7points per game and gave up 106.2. The ’93 Suns won 62 games, shot 49.3percent, scored113.4 andgaveup106.7.They reboundedbetterwithBarkleybutheweakenedthemdefensively.Maybetheyhadabetteroverallteamin

’93, but didn’t free agent pickup Danny Ainge, rookies Oliver Miller andRichardDumas,emergingthird-yearplayerCedricCeballosandnewcoachPaulWestphaldeservealittlecredit?

Youalsocan’tdiscountwhathappenedintheWesternConference:followingaparticularlystrong

’92campaignthatfeaturedfour50-winteamsandnineabove-.500teamsinall,onlysix’93teamsfinishedabove.500andtheeighthplayoffseedwenttoa39-win Lakers team. Barkley’s regular-season impact, purely from a basketballstandpoint, wasn’t nearly as significant as everyone believed. Admittedly, heinjected that franchise with swagger, gave them a proven warrior and insideforce,boostedhomeattendance,helpedturnthemintotitlefavoritesandpushedaverygoodteamuponelevel.Forlackofabetterword,heownedthatseason.Whenyouthinkof

’92–’93,youthinkofBarkleyandtheSunsfirst;thenyouthink,“Wait,wasn’tthat theyearChicagopulledout theCharlesSmithGameand thenMJsingle-handedly destroyed Phoenix in the Finals?” Still, ownership of a seasonshouldn’tswingthevoting.In’93,itdid.That’sjustafact.

Questionno.4.Ifyou’reexplainingyourMVPpicktosomeonewhohasafavoriteplayer intherace—aplayerthatyoudidn’tpick—willheat leastsaysomethinglike,“Yeah,Idon’tlikeit,butIcanseehowyouarrivedatthat choice”? I created this question after what happenedwithmy ’08MVPcolumn,whenIpickedGarnettandfoundmyselfdelugedwith

“You’re ahomer,you suck!” emails from fansofother candidates. I expectedthe choice to be unpopular, but that unpopular? Did I make a mistake? Irehashed my thought process and realized that my logic was sound and(seemingly)unbiased:I’dabidedbythesamereasonsforwhichIpickedShaqin’05—namely, that Garnett transformed the Celtics defensively andcompetitively, turned the franchise around, gave it leadership and life andspawned a record 42-win turnaround—and included a few I-saw-this-happenexamples to bang my logic home. Still, I was biased for one reason: I hadwatched nearly every minute of that Celtics season, whereas I had only seenpiecesof25–30HornetsandLakersgames.MyaffectionfortheCelticsdidn’ttaint my opinion but my constant exposure to them did: I knew exactly howGarnettaffectedthe2007–8

CelticsbecauseIwatchedeverygame,readeverystoryandfollowedthemeverydayforeightmonths.DidIknowexactlywhatChrisPauldidfortheHornets?17 Not really. Had I grown up a Hornets fan and diligently followed theirmiraculous transformation I inevitably would have ended up arguing Paul’smerits.18Thecrucialvariable: anyLakers fanwoulddisagreewithPauloverKobe,butattheveryleasttheywouldhaveunderstoodthelogic.Theywouldn’thave agreed with it, but they would have understood it. Well, they didn’tunderstandthewisdomoftheGarnettpick.Atall.Andthat’saproblem.Hence,thecreationofquestionno.4.

Lump those questions together like MVP Play-Doh and suddenly we have atrustyformula.Ideally,Iwantaplayerwhocan’tbereplaced,thenanalphadog,thensomeonewhoownedthatseasontosomedegree,thenapickwhodoesn’tneedtobeoverdefendedtoaprejudicedparty…

and after everything’s said and done, a choicewho vindicatesmy support by

kickingassintheplayoffs.Althoughitsoundsgreatonpaper,itdoesn’thappeneveryyearasyou’reabout to see.For referencepurposes,here’s thecompletelistofNBAalphadogsintheshot-clockera,alongwiththeactualMVPwinnersandmychoicesforPlayoffsMVP.IputinboldfacetheMVP

winnerswho, aftermuch research and deliberation, I signed off on as a validchoicethatcan’tbedebated.

AlphaDog(1955):DolphSchayes

MVP:BobCousy19

PlayoffsMVP:Schayes

AlphaDog(1956–57):BobPettit

MVP:Pettit(’56),Cousy(’57)

PlayoffsMVP:PaulArizin(’56),Russell(’57)

AlphaDog(1958–65):BillRussell

MVP: Russell (’58, ’61, ’62, ’63, ’65); Pettit (’59), Chamberlain (’60),Robertson(’64)

PlayoffsMVP:Pettit(’58),Russell(’59–’65).

AlphaDog(1966–68):Wilt

MVP:Wilt(’66,’67,’68)

PlayoffsMVP:Russell(’66),Chamberlain(’67),Russell(’68)

AlphaDog(1969–70):West

MVP:WesUnseld(’69),WillisReed(’70)

PlayoffsMVP:JohnHavlicek(’69),WaltFrazier(’70)

AlphaDog(1971–74):Kareem

MVP:Jabbar(’71,’72,’74),Cowens(’73)

PlayoffsMVP:Kareem(’71),West(’72),Frazier(’73),Havlicek(’74)

AlphaDog(1975):RickBarry

MVP:BobMcAdoo

PlayoffsMVP:Barry

AlphaDog(1976–78):Unclear20

MVP:Kareem(’76–‧77),Walton(’78)

PlayoffsMVP:Cowens(’76),Walton(’77),BobbyDandridge(’78)

AlphaDog(1979–83):MosesMalone

MVP:Moses(’79,’82—’83),Kareem(’80),Erving(’81)

PlayoffsMVP: Dennis Johnson (’79), Kareem (’80), Bird (’81), Magic (’82),Moses(’83)

AlphaDog(1984–86):Bird

MVP:Bird

PlayoffsMVP:Bird(’84,’86),Kareem(’85)

AlphaDog(1987–88):Bird/Magic(tie)

MVP:Magic(’87),Jordan(’88)

PlayoffsMVP:Magic(’87—‧88)

AlphaDog(1989–90):Unclear21

MVP:Magic(’89,’90)

PlayoffsMVP:IsiahThomas(’89,’90)

AlphaDog(1991–93):Jordan

MVP:Jordan(’91–’92),Barkley(’93)

PlayoffsMVP:Jordan(’91—’93)

AlphaDog(1994–95):Olajuwon

MVP:Hakeem(’94),DavidRobinson(’95)

PlayoffsMVP:Hakeem(’94—‧95)

AlphaDog(1996–98):Jordan

MVP:Jordan(’96,’98),KarlMalone(’97)

PlayoffsMVP:Jordan(’96–’98)

AlphaDog(1999):HaywoodJablome22

MVP:Malone

PlayoffsMVP:Duncan

AlphaDog(2000–2):Shaq

MVP:O’Neal(’00),Iverson(’01),Duncan(’02)

PlayoffsMVP:Shaq(’00–’02)

AlphaDog(2003–5):Duncan

MVP:Duncan(’03),Garnett(’04),Nash(’05)

PlayoffsMVP:Shaq(’02),Duncan(’03,’05),BenWallace(’04)23

AlphaDog(2006):Kobe

MVP:Nash

PlayoffsMVP:DwyaneWade

AlphaDog(2007–9):Unclear

MVP:Nowitzki(’07),Bryant(’08),LeBron(’09)

PlayoffsMVP:Duncan(’07),PaulPierce(’08)

ThatleavesawhoppingseventeenMVPseasonsneedingtobehashedout:1959(Pettit),1962

(Russell), 1963 (Russell), 1969 (Unseld), 1970 (Willis), 1973 (Cowens), 1978(Walton),1981

(Doc), 1990 (Magic), 1993 (Barkley), 1997 (Mailman), 2002 (Duncan), 2005(Nash),2006

(Nash),2007(Nowitzki)and2008(Kobe).24We’reseparating theminto threecategories: fishy choices that were ultimately okay; fishy choices that wereproventobestupid,andoutrighttravestiesofjusticethatshouldhaveresultedinarrestsandconvictions.Beforeweripthroughthem,Iurgeyoutopouryourselfaglassofwine,putonsomeJohnMayerandmaybeevendonasmokingjacket.

(Waiting…)

(Waiting…)

Allright,let’sdoit.

CATEGORY1:

FISHYBUTULTIMATELYOKAY

BillRussell(1962)

Already the two-time defendingMVP (shades ofMJ in ’93), Russell peakedstatisticallyin’62likesomanyothers,averaginga19–24–5fora60-winBostonteam and providing typically superhuman defense. If the media were voting,Russellwouldhavegottenbonedbecauseofthe

“You already won a few times and it’s time for some new blood” corollary(shadesofMJin’93),andeitherWilt(50–25,first-teamAll-NBA)orOscar(theleague’s first triple double) would have prevailed. They were the season’sdominantstoriesotherthanpinball-likescoringandElginBaylorgettingsaddledwithmilitarydutyandonlyplaying48games—allonweekends,allwithouteverpracticingwiththeLakers—butsomehowaveraginganungodly38–19–5.25

IwouldarguethatElgin’s38–19–5wasmoreimplausiblethanWilt’s50agameorOscar’s triple double.The guy didn’t practice!Hewasmoonlighting as anNBA player on weekends! ‧Wilt’s 50–25 makes sense considering the feeblecompetitionandhisgratuitousballhogging.Oscar’s tripledoublemakessenseconsideringthestyleofplayat thetime.ButElgin’s38–19–5makesnosense.None. It’s inconceivable. A United States Army Reservist at the time, ElginworkedinthestateofWashingtonduringtheweek,livinginanarmybarracksandleavingonlywhenevertheygavehimaweekendpass.Evenwiththatpass,he had to fly coach on flights with multiple connections to meet the Lakerswherever they were playing, throw on a uniform and battle the best NBAplayers,thenmakethesamecomplicatedtripbacktoWashingtonintimetobethereearlyMondaymorning.Thatwashislifeforsixmonths.TheonlymoderncomparisonwouldbeKobe’s

’04season,whenhewasaccusedof rape26and flewbackand forthbetweenColorado (where the hearings were taking place) and either Los Angeles orwherever theLakershappened tobeplaying,andeveryonemadeanenormousdeal about Kobe’s “grueling” season even though he was flying charters andstaying at first-class hotels. Can you imagine if Kobe had been reenactingElgin’s’62season?Theworldwouldhavestopped.WewouldhavegivenhimaNobelPrize.AndyetIdigress.

Inthesixties,first-placevotescountedfor5points,secondplacefor3pointsandthirdplacefor1

point.Youcouldonlyvoteforthreeplayers.The’62MVPvotingbrokedownlikeso:

Russell:297(51–12–6)27;Wilt:152(9–30–17);Oscar:135(13–13–31);Elgin:82(3–18–13);West:60(6–8–6);Pettit:31(2–4–9);RichieGuerin:5 (1–0–0);Cousy:3(0–0–3).

You’renotgonnabelieve this,but Ihavea few thoughts.First,Elgin’sseasonwas so freaking amazing that he missed 40 percent of the season and stillfinished fourth (even grabbing three first-place votes). Second, Wilt’s“legendary” season impressed his peers so much that only nine players (10percent of the league) gave him a first-place vote, proving how silly the ’62statisticswere(aswellasthelevelofWilt’sselfishness).28Third,West,Pettit,GuerinandCousygrabbedasmany first-placevotesasWilt and stoleanothertwelvesecond-placevotesandfifteenthird-placevotes.Westaverageda30–8–5andwasn’tthebestguyonhisownteam;Pettitaverageda31–19

fora29–51Hawksteam;Guerinaverageda30–7–6fora29–51Knicksteam;and Cousy had his worst season in 10 years (16–8–4) and only played 28.2minutesagame.Shouldanyofthemhavesniffedthetopthree?Youcouldsaytheysplitthe“Ihateblacksandthey’reruiningourleague”

vote.Anyway,I’mfinewiththeRussellpick:hewasthedominantplayeronthedominant team. Thirty years later,Wilt or Oscar would havewon and I’d berantingandravingaboutit.Let’smoveon.

BillRussell(1963)

Great two-man race betweenRussell (17–24–5, superhuman defense for a 60-

winBostonteam)andBaylor(34–14–5fora53-winLakersteam).Bothlegendswere at the peak of their respective powers, which seems relevant becauseRussellwasvalueda littlemorehighly thanBaylorat the time.29Here’showthevotingbrokedown:Russell:341(56–18–7);Elgin:252(19–36–18);Oscar:191(13–34–21);Pettit:84(3–14–27);West:19(2–1–6);JohnnyKerr:13(1–1–5);Wilt:9

(0–2–3);TerryDischinger:5(1–0–0);JohnHavlicek:3(0–1–0);JohnBarnhill:1(0–0–1);30WaltBellamy:1(0–0–1).GoodGod!TheNBAlogoin’63shouldhavehadaKuKluxKlanhoodonit.ThevotesforDischinger(26–8–3injust57gamesfora25-winChicagoteam)wereparticularlyappalling.Evenifsomevoteswerestrategicbackthen—noLakerwasvotingforRussell,noCelticwasvoting for Elgin, and maybe no Royal was voting for Elgin or Russell—it’stellingthatinexplicablevotesalwaysseemedtobeforwhiteguys.

BacktoElginandRussell.Inmoderntimes,ElginwouldcruisetotheMVPforthetypicalbullshitreasonsof“He’sneverwonitbefore”and“He’soverdueandweneedtorecognizehim.”ThatsamefaultylogicledtomanyoftheegregiousMVPcrimeson this list (we’llget to them), aswell asMartyScorsese finallywinninganOscarforamoviethatendedwitharatcrawlingonthebalconyasabig neonSYMBOLISM!SYMBOLISM! sign flashed in the background. So Ican’tendorseElgin’scandidacyhere.Withthatsaid,ofevery“He’soverdueandweneedtorecognizehimwithanMVP”seasoninNBAhistory,’63Elginranksrightupthere.It’sanabsoluteshamethatheneverwontheaward.

(And if theLakers hadwon the ’63Finals, then I’dbepleadinghis case.Buttheydidn’t.)

KareemAbdul-Jabbar(1972)

Herewehavetheleague’sreigningalphadogandMVPaveragingacareer-best34.6points,16.8

reboundsand4.6assistspergamefora63-winteam.From1969to2008,that’sthesinglegreateststatisticalseasonbyacenter;YoungKareemwasalsothebestdefensive centerof that decadeother thanNateThurmond.So I can’t kill thispick. But we should mention—repeat: mention— that the Lakers broke tworecords (69 wins, 33 straight) en route to Jerry West’s first championship.Unfortunately, nobody could decidewhichLakerwasmore responsible:West(26–4–10,ledtheleagueinassists)orWilt(15–19–4,65%FG,ledtheleagueinrebounds)?Checkoutthebizarrevoting,theonlytimethatoneteamplacedtwoof the top three: Kareem: 581 (81–52–20);West: 393 (44–42–47);Wilt: 294(36–25–39).

This raises an interesting question: Should a special “co-champs” choice beaddedtotheballotforeveryseasonwithamemorableteamthatdidn’thaveanidentifiablealphadog?The’58Celtics(CousyandRussell), ’70Knicks(ReedandFrazier),’72Lakers(WestandWilt),’73Celtics(HondoandCowens),’97Jazz (StocktonandMalone), ’01Lakers (ShaqandKobe), ’05Heat (ShaqandWade) and ’08Celtics (Pierce andGarnett) all qualify and solvemany of theproblemsinthischapter.The’72seasonwastheultimateexample:Kareemwasthe singularMVP andWest andWiltwere co-MVPs.Right? (You’re shakingyourheadatme.)Fine,you’reright.Dumbidea.

BillWalton(1978)

Even an unbiased observerwould admit that for the elevenmonths stretchingfromApril’77

through February ’78, the Mountain Man was the greatest player alive andpushedthatPortlandteamtosurrealheights.31Rightasthatteamwascresting,theFebruary13, 1978,Sports Illustrated— oneof thewatershed issues ofmychildhoodbecauseofaninsaneSidneyMoncrieftomahawkdunkonthecover—rananextendedfeatureontheBlazersinwhichRickBarrycalledthem“maybethemostidealteameverputtogether.”EverythingcenteredaroundWalton(19–15–5,3.5blocks),thenextRussell,anunselfishbigmanwhomadeteammatesbetterandevensharedkillerweedwiththem.TwoweeksaftertheSIstory/jinx,

the big redhead injured his foot and didn’t return until the Playoffs, when hefracturedthatsamefootinGame2,killingPortland’splayoffhopesandleadingtohisinevitablemessydeparture.32

Now…

It’s hard to imagine anyone qualifying for MVP after missing twenty-fourgames,muchlesstakingthetrophyhome.Butwe’retalkingaboutanespeciallyloony season, as evidenced by our rebounding champ (Mr. Leonard “Truck”Robinson)andassistschamp(theone,theonly,KevinPorter).Kareemsucker-punchedKentBensononopeningnight,missed20gamesandstruggledfortheremainder of the season. Erving submitted a subpar (for him) season. 33 Thestrongest candidates were George Gervin (27–5–4, 54% FG) and DavidThompson (27–5–5, 52% FG), both leading scorers for division winners whoweren’tknown for theirdefense.Guardsweren’t supposed towinMVPsbackthen;onlyCousyandOscarhaddoneit,andasmuchaswelovedSkywalkerandIce,theyweren’tCousyandOscar.SoWaltondrewthemostvotes(96),Gervinfinishedsecond(80.5),Thompson third (28.5)andKareemfourth (14);adudefromVenice namedManny, the league’s unofficial coke dealer, finished fifth(10).34

ThecaseforWalton:Heplayed58of thefirst60gamesand theBlazerswent50–10overthatstretch.Hemissedthenext22gamesandtheBlazersstumbledtoan8–14finish(holdon,huge

“but/still”combocomingup),buttheystillfinishedwithaleague-best58winsandclinchedhomecourtforthePlayoffs.Soyeah,Waltonmissed24gamesandhad an abnormally profound impact on the regular season,winning 50 gamesduringa seasonwhenonly twoother teams finishedwith50-pluswins:Philly(55)andSanAntonio(52).

The case against Walton: Borrowing the Oscars analogy, would you have

accepted the choice ofNoCountry forOldMen forBest Picture if themovieinexplicablyendedwiththirty-fiveminutestogo?(Actually,badexample—thatwould have been the best thing that ever happened to Old Men. I hatedeverything afterwedidn’t see JoshBrolin get gunneddown. 35You’re nevertalkingmeinto it. IhatedEnglishmajors incollegeandIhatemovies thatarevehementlydefendedbyEnglishmajorsnow.Thelasttwentyminutessucked.Iwillarguethistothedeath.)Taketwo:WouldyouhaveacceptedTheDepartedasBest Picture if themovie inexplicably endedwith thirty-fiveminutes to goandyouneverfoundoutwhathappenedtoDiCaprioorDamon?No.

Ultimately it comes down to one thing: even ifWalton and the Blazers onlyowned 70 percent of that season, still, they owned it. Nobody else stood outexceptKareem (for clockingBenson),KermitWashington (for clockingRudyT.),Dawkins(forbreakingtwobackboards),Thompson/Gervin(fortheirscoringbarrageonthefinalday),theSonics(whostartedout5–22

andstagedalatesurgetomaketheFinals)andManny(theaforementionedcokeconnectionthatImadeup,asfarasyouknow).That’sgoodenoughforme—I’lltake70percentofaPantheonseasonover100percentofarelativelyforgettableseason. I’m signing off. We’ll make an exception here with all the missedgames.Justthisonce.

TimDuncan(2002)

The’02seasonfeaturedaballyhooedbattlebetweenDuncan(acareeryear:25–13–4plus2.5

blocksandsuperbdefense)andJasonKidd(15–7–10andsuperbdefense),withKidd owning the season because of a much-argued-about trade the previoussummer,whenPhoenixswappedKiddtoNewJerseyforStephonMarburyafewmonthsafterKiddwaschargedwithdomesticassault.36

Energizedby thechangeofscenery,Kiddled thepereniallycrappyNets to52wins, swung the New York media behind him and stood out mostly for his

unselfishnessandsingulartalentforrunningfastbreaks,aswellashisattention-hoggingwife, Joumana,whobrought theiryoungsoncourtsideandseeminglyknew the location of every TV camera. 37 Maybe Kidd’s ’02 season didn’tmatch his ’01 season in Phoenix (17–6–10, 41% FG), but mostly by default,Kiddbecame the featured story in ahistorically atrociousEasternConference,38 leading to oneof the closest (anddumbest)MVPvotes ever:Duncan: 952(57–38–20–5–3);Kidd:897(45–41–26–9–3);Shaq:696

(15–38–40–25–5);T-Mac:390(7–5–28–45–10).

Um…whywasthisclose?Duncantopped3,300minutes,2,000points,1,000boards,300assistsand200blocks,carriedtheSpurstoanumbertwoseedintheWest,didn’tmissagameandhadagreatereffectonhisteammatesthananyoneelsebutKidd.Lookathissupportingcast:BruceBowen,AntonioDaniels,TonyParker, Malik Rose, Danny Ferry, Charles Smith, a past-his-prime DavidRobinson, apretty-much-past-his-primeSteveSmithandapast-being-past-his-prime Terry Porter. That’s a 58-win team? Had you switched Duncan withsomeonelikeStromileSwift,theSpurswouldhavewon25games.Meanwhile,theLakersswepttheNetsintheFinalsinamismatchalongthelinesofTyson-Spinks, Ryan-Ventura and anyMelrose Place cast member acting in a scenewithAndrewShue.39That’swhenweallrealized,“WeknewtheEastwasbad,butwedidn’tknowitwasthatbad!”Thata39percentshooterfora52-winteamin a brutal conference nearly stole theMVP from the greatest power forwardeverduringhisfineststatisticalseasonfora58-winteam…Imean,youcanseewhyIdon’ttrusttheMVPprocesssomuch.

(By theway, Shaq retained alpha dog status this season, remaining on cruisecontrolfor82

games—partiallybecausehewaslazy,partiallybecausethiswastheyearwhenhefullyembracedhisabhorrenceofKobe—beforeturningitonfortheplayoffsand averaging a 36–12 in the Finals. From there, he spent the entire summereating.Infact,IthinkhegrilledoneoftheWayansbrothers,coveredhiminA-1sauceandatehimatonepoint.)

CATEGORY2:

FISHYANDULTIMATELYNOTOKAY

BobPettit(1959)

Again, any timeyou’reputting theMVP in thehandsofmostlywhiteplayerscompeting in an era marred by racism and resentment toward black athletes,you’redefinitelyhittingafewspeedbumps.Theleaguehadanunwritten“onlyoneortwoblacksperteamandthat’sit”ruleinthe

fifties;evenaslateas1958,theHawksdidn’thaveasingleblackplayer.Soit’sa littlesuspect thatPettit (awhiteguy)wonthe’59MVPawardina landslideover the league’s reigningMVP and most important player (Russell, a blackguy)when90percentof thevoteswerefromwhites.Checkout theirnumbersduring’58and’61(whenRussellwon)and’59(whenPettitwon),factorintheirdefensiveabilities(Pettitwasmediocre;Russellwastranscendent),thenhelpmefigureacoherentexplanationforPettitnearlytriplingRussell inthe’59votingthatdoesn’tinvolveawhitehood.

Herearethenumbers:

Here’showthe’59votingshookout:Pettit:317(59–7–1);Russell:144(10–25–29);Elgin:88

(2–20–18);41Cousy:71 (4–11–18);PaulArizin:39 (1–7–13);DolphSchayes:26(1–6–3);KenSears:12(1–1–4);CliffHagan:7(1–4–0);JackTwyman:7(0–1–4);TomGola:3(0–1–0);DickMcGuire:3(0–1–0);GeneShue:1(0–0–1).

Here’swhathappenedinthe’59playoffs:Elgin’s33-winLakersteamshockedPettit’s Hawks in the Western Finals, then were swept by the Celtics in theFinals.

You knowhow the host ofTheBachelor always says going into commercial,“Coming up, it’s the most dramatic rose ceremony ever”?Well, this was themostracistMVPvotingyearever.YouhadPettit’sbizarrelandslidewin(really,sixtimesasmanyfirst-placevotesasRussell?),halftheleagueignoringElgin,theCoozstealingfourofRussell’sfirst-placevotesandfourotherwhiteplayers(Arizin, Schayes, Sears, and Hagan) unaccountably earning first-place votes.You can’t even play the “Pettit was a sentimental choice” card because he’dalreadywonin’56.Andifyou’renotbuyingtheracecard,rememberthetimes(pre-MLK,pre-JFK,pre-Malcolm,pre-desegregation), theclimate (inbaseball,theRedSoxsignedtheirfirstblackplayerin’59:theimmortalPumpsieGreen),andstories like the followingonefromTallTalesabout theLakersplayinganexhibitiongameinCharleston,WestVirginia.Theirthreeblackplayers(Baylor,BooEllis,andEdFleming)42werenotallowedtocheckintotheirhoteloreatanywhere in townexcept for theGreyhoundbus station.Here’s howHotRodHundleyandBaylorrememberedtheincident:

Hundley: “Thepeoplewhoputon thegamewantedme to talk toElgin aboutplaying. After pregame warmups, I went into the dressing room and he wassitting there in his street clothes. I said, ‘What they did to you isn’t right. Iunderstand that.Butwe’re friendsand this ismyhometown.Play thisone forme.’Elgin said, ‘Rod,you’re right,youaremy friend.ButRod, I’mahumanbeing,too.AllIwanttodoisbetreatedlikeahumanbeing.’ItwasthenthatIcouldbegintofeelhispain.”

Baylor: “A few days later, I got a call from themayor of Charleston and heapologized.Twoyearslater,IwasinvitedtoanAll-StarGamethere,andoutofcourtesyIwent.Westayedat thesamehotel that refusedusservice.Wewereabletoeatanywherewewanted.Theywerebeginningtointegratetheschools.Someblackleaderstoldmethattheywereabletousewhathadhappenedtomeand theotherblackplayers tobringpressureon thecity tomakechanges,andthatmademefeelverygood.Buttheindignityofahotelclerkactingasifyouaren’tthere,orpeoplewhowon’tsellyouasandwichbecauseyou’reblack…thosearethethingsyouneverforget.”

Soyeah, thingseventuallydidchange; someof thosechangeswerealready inmotion in 1959. But Russell and Baylor were pushing the sport in a betterdirectionandsomeoftheirpeersweren’t,um,downwiththenewmovementyet.That’s the only explanation for the lopsided voting. I don’tmean to come offlikeSamJacksonscreaming,“Yes,theydeservedtodieandIhopetheyburninhell!”inATimetoKill,butatthesametime,bigotryaffectedthe’59voteandthat’sthat.RussellwastheMVP.

WesUnseld(1969)

As a rookie with the Bullets, Unseld made a name for himself with bone-crushingpicksandcrispoutletpasses,averaginga14–18andshooting47%fora57-win team. Willis Reed played a similarly valuable role in New York,averaging a 22–14 and shooting 52% for a 54-winKnicks team, butUnseld’stotal in the MVP voting more than doubled Willis (310 to 137) and Unseldgrabbedfirst-teamAll-NBAhonors.Inthefirstroundofthe’69playoffs,ReedandtheKnickssweptBaltimoreandeveryonefeltstupid.43

Here’smyproblem:ifyou’regivingtheMVPtothefifth-bestrebounderintheleagueandhe’sonlyresponsiblefor20pointsagame(inthiscase,14pointsandthreeassists),he’dbetterbeacrossbetweenRussellandDikembeMutomboonthe defensive end. Poor Unseld was only six foot six and eventually grew a

Fletch-like afro to make himself look taller—shades of Tom Cruise wearingsneakers with four-inch lifts—and it’s not like he was defending the rim andsprayingshotseverywhere.Ifanything,hisvaluelayinsubtletalentslikeoutletsandpicks.MaybeBigWeswasawonderfulroleplayer, theperfectsupportingpieceforacontender,someonewhomadehisteambetter(andeventuallyotherteamsbetterwhenhemadeabriefrunatbeingtheworstGM

ever).Buthewasneveradominantplayer,youknow?

Nomatter.By the holidays, everyone had decided that something specialwashappeningwith thisUnseldkid; in the simplest terms,he stoodoutmore thaneveryoneelse.Hisoutletswerefun,hispickswerefunandhisreboundingstatsweregoodenoughthatyoucouldsellhimasMVPandnotgetlaughedoutoftheroom.Thatdoesn’tmeanhewasmorevaluablethanWillis,BillyCunningham(a25–13forafeel-goodSixersteamthatoverachieved),orevenastat-mongerlikeWilt(21–21plusshotblockingand59%shooting).MuchlikeSteveNashin’05 and ’06, this was the proverbial “nobody else jumps out, I really likewatchingthisguy…fuckit”vote.YoufeltgoodaboutyourselfifyouvotedforWes; it meant you knew your hoops and appreciated the little things aboutbasketball.The followingyear,Unseldhad an evenbetter season (16–17with52%

shooting)foranothergoodBulletsteam,onlytheylefthimoffthe’70All-StarTeam and bothAll-NBA teams. In fact, he nevermade a first or secondAll-NBAteamagainandonlyplayedinfourmoreAll-StarGames.Youknowwhatthattellsme?Ittellsmethateveryonefeltliketheygotalittlecarriedawaywiththe ’69MVP award—like sending a girl a dozen roses after the first date orsomething.44

Here’showthevotingwentdown:Unseld:310(53–14–8);Reed:137(18–11–14); Cunningham: 130 (15–16–8); Russell: 93 (11–8–22).45 I thoughtCunninghamearnedtheMVPandhere’swhy:evenafterdumpingWilttoL.A.for 45 cents on the dollar, Philly rallied for 55 wins and second place in aferociouslycompetitiveconference.Thekeytoeverything?Cunningham.Afterrugged rebounder Luke Jackson blew out his knee in Game 25, Dr. Jack

Ramsey’s ’69 Sixers willingly embraced smallball, moving Cunningham topowerforwardalongwithguardsArchieClark,HalGreerandswingmanChetWalker, pressing all over the court and running asmuch as they could. Theirchances hinged solely on Billy C. playing bigger than his size (six foot six),logginggargantuanminutes(82gamesand3,345minutesinall)andbattlingthelikesofElvinHayes, JerryLucas,Gus Johnson, andDaveDeBusschere everynight. Not only did he pull it off, he finished third in scoring and tenth inrebounds.Inatransitionalseasondevoidofanalphadog,itremainstheleague’ssinglemostimpressivefeat.Forwhateverreason,everyonewasmoreinterestedinWesUnseld’spicksandoutlets.MyvotegoestoBillyC.

BobMcAdoo,1975

Oneofthetoptwenty-fiveplayersever(RickBarry)peakedduringtheregularseason(31–6–6,leagueleaderinstealsandFT%)forateamthatfinishedfirstintheWest,thencarriedhisunderdogWarriorsoverWashingtonintheFinalswithavintageperformance(28–6–6,50steals in17playoffgames).Oneof the topsixty-fiveplayersever(McAdoo)peakedduringthatsameseason(35–14,52%shooting,3,539minutes)forateamthatfinishedthirdintheEast,thenlostinthefirst round in seven games to Washington (whom Golden State eventuallyswept).46 McAdoo may have been an ahead-of-his-time offensive playerenjoying a banner year, but Barry’s passing, unselfishness and overall feelseparated him from everyone else. Unfortunately, we were still stuck in theLook,BigGuysAreMoreValuableThanAnyoneElseandThat’sThat era,amind-setthatwasn’thelpedbythelackoftitlesforOscarandWestinthesixtiesandneverchangeduntilBirdandMagicshowedup.

But that’s notwhatwas so galling about thisMVP race.Here’s the one timewherewecandefinitivelysay,“Theotherplayersstuckit toPlayerX.”Checkoutthetopfive:McAdoo:547

(81–38–28);Cowens:310(32–42–24);Hayes:289(37–26–25);Barry:254(16–46–36); Kareem: 161 (13–21–33). So Barry was the league’s best player andproved as much in the playoffs … and he finished fourth?What happened?

BarrywastheAssociation’smostdespisedplayer,someonewhowhinedabouteverycall,soldoutteammateswithavarietyofeyerollsand“whythehelldidyou drop that” shrugs and shamelessly postured for a TV career (evenmoonlighting for CBS). We can’t discount residual bad blood from Barryjumping to the ABA, as well as his reputation for being a gunner and notclicking off the court with black players. 47 So what if he turned his careeraround, became a team captain, led the league in steals and free throwpercentage, finished second in points, finishedwithmost assists (492) of anyforward ever and led his team in every relevant statistical category except forrebounds? Rick Barry didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell with the otherplayers voting. They thought he was a dick. That may have been true, butnobodywasmorevaluablein1975.

JuliusErving(1981)

This season featureda two-man jog48betweendivision rivalsErving (25–8–4for a 62-win Philly team) and Bird (21–11–6 for a 62-win Celtics team thatclinched home court by beating Philly in Game 82). Doc became the “sexy”media story that season because Philly blossomed as an unselfish team, soeveryonecollectivelydecidedatthehalfwaypoint,“Okay,thisisDoc’syear.”

Meanwhile, Bird quietly gained steam as the seasonwent along, putting up aseriesof20–20

games(36–21atPhilly,35–20inChicago,21–20inCleveland,28–20inNewYork) during an absurd 25–1 streak before suffering a painful thigh bruise,playinginpainforamonthandhealingintimeforaFebruaryWestCoasttripinwhichhetossedupa23–17–8withfourstealsinSeattle,thena36–21–5with5steals and 3 blocks in LosAngeles less than twenty-four hours later (with aninjuredMagic watching from the sidelines). By the lastmonth of the season,everyoneshouldhaveagreedthat(a)BirdandDocweredeadevenand(b)theguywhose teamclinchedhomecourt shouldgetMVP.Didn’t happen. In thateighty-secondgameinBoston,Birdscored24inthevictoryandwasallovertheplace—5stealsinthefirstquarteralone—whileErvingstruggledtotallyjust19points.When theSixers andCelticsmet in the ’81EasternFinals,Philly self-destructed with a three-games-to-one lead and Bird banked home the game-winningshotinGame7.Birdfortheseries:27–13–5.Docfortheseries:20–6–

4. Twoweeks later, the Celtics captured the title in Houston. Somuch for itbeing“Doc’syear.”

Does thatmeanBirdwas the league’sbestplayer?Notnecessarily.YoucouldmakeastrongcaseforMoses,theleague’sbestcenterfrom1979through1983,onlyMoseswas toilingawayonasubparRockets teamthat finished41–41 in1980 and 40–42 in 1981. (Note: It’s hard to argue anyone was supremelyvaluablewhenhecouldn’tdraghisteamover.500,evensomeonetrappedonabaddefensiveteamwithteammateswhowereeithertooyoung,toooldorlousytobeginwith.)49Soifwe’regivingtheMVPtosomeonewhowasn’tthealphadog,thenit’dbetterbeagreatplayerhavingacareeryear—again,notinplayin1981—whichmeans the time-tested“bestguyon thebest team” theorycomesintoplay.AndthatwasBird.

Now,youmightbesaying,“Screwit,therewasnoclear-cutMVPthatyearandeveryoneknewBirdwouldgetoneeventually,soI’mgladDocgotitbecausehemeantalottotheleague.”Firstofall,you’reasapforthinkingthat;weshowedDochowmuchhemeantsixyearslaterwhenhegotshoweredwithgiftsduringhisretirementtour.Second,theMVPtrophyisn’tatokenofouraffection—it’snotadiamondring,aplasmaTVorevenacockring.Whatisit?Anhonorthatsays definitively, “The majority of us agreed that this guy was the mostimportantplayerof thisparticularseason.”Andsince that’s thecase,everyonescrewedupbecausefourmonthsafterthe

’81Playoffsended,BirdgracedthecoverofSIforafeaturetitled,“TheNBA’sBestAll-AroundPlayer.”Whydidn’t theyrealize thatwhenhewastossingup20–20’s?You gotme. But if Birdwas considered theNBA’s best all-aroundplayerduringayearwithoutadefinitiveMVPandhisteamwonthetitle,andwegavetheawardtosomeoneelse,thenwemadeamistakeandthat’sthat.50

DirkNowitzki(2007)

An edited-for-space version of what I wrote in my 2007 MVP column afterrealizingthatNowitzkididn’tqualifyunderanyofmythreeMVPquestions51butremainedtheconsensuschoice:

Statistically, Nowitzki submitted superior seasons in 2005 and 2006, and his2007statsrankedbehindLarryBird’sbestnineseasons,CharlesBarkley’sbest10seasonsandKarlMalone’sbest11seasons.Nowitzki’sshootingpercentageswere remarkable (50 percent on field goals, 90 percent on free throws, 42percenton3-pointers),buthisrelevantaverages(24.6points,9.0

rebounds, 3.4 assists) look like a peak season from TomChambers. He can’taffectgamesunlesshe’s scoring,doesn’tmakehis teammatesbetterandplaysdecent defense at best. If you’re giving theMVP to someone because of hisoffense, he’d better be a killer offensive player. You can’t say that about the2007Nowitzki.

TheargumentforthebigGermanissimple:He’sthemostreliablecrunch-timescorerintheleagueandthebestplayerona66-winteam.Ofcourse,whenthe’97Bullswon69games,youcouldhavedescribedJordantheexactsameway…andhe finished second toMalone.Thenagain,maybewe should scrap thehistoricalcomparisonsafterSteveNash’sback-to-backtrophiestransformedtheaward into what it is now: a popularity contest. It’s a 900-number and RyanSeacrest away frombecoming a low-keyversionofAmerican Idol.And sincepeoplewantthebigGermantowintheawardthisyear,he’sgoingtowinit.Inthe irony of ironies,Nash played his greatest season at a timewhen everyonetook him for granted and paidmore attention toNowitzki….You could haveswitchedDirkwithDuncan,KG,Bosh,BrandoranyothereliteforwardandtheMavsstillwouldhavewon55–65games.But the2007Sunswerebuilt likeacomplicatedItalianracecar,withspecificfeaturestailoredtoaspecifictypeofdriver,andNashhappenedtobetheonlypersonontheplanetwhocouldhavedriventhecarwithoutcrashingintoawall.Thedegreeofdifficultywasoffthecharts.Soyes,thiswasmyfavoriteNashseasonyet.

DidIvoteforhim?Inaroundaboutway,yes—Nashearnedmyvoteforsecond

place(Icouldn’tgivemyMVPvotetoatotaldefensiveliability)andtheFansearnedMVPbecausewehadenduredoneoftheleastentertainingseasonsever.Iknow,Iknow,lame.52ButasIwroteinthecolumn,“IwishwehandledMVPawards, the Oscars and the Emmys the same way—if there’s no deservingcandidate in a given year, let’s roll the award over to the following year andmakeitworthtwoawards,kindalikehowgolfersrolloveratieinaskinsmatchand count the next hole for twice asmuch. I never understood the concept ofdispensing awards out of obligation over anything else. An award should beearned,nothandedout.”

You have to admit it’s a fantastic idea. At the very least, everyMVP ballotshouldincludeanotherchoice:“Thisyearsucked;Irefusetomakeafirst-placevote.Pleasemakemyvotenextyearworth two.”Anyway,youknowhowtheDirkdebacleturnedout:GoldenStateshockedDallasinoneofthebiggestNBAupsetsever,althoughitstoppedbeingsounrealisticrightas theWarriorswerebutchering theMavs in Game 3 in front of a frenzied G-State crowd. Here’swhatIwrotebetweenGames4and5,whenitbecameapparentthatsomanyhadmadesuchanenormousmistakevouchingfortheMVP-nessofMr.Nowitzki:

We’reheadedforthemostawkwardmomentinNBAhistorywithinthenext10days.Here’showitwillplayout:

(WeseeJimGray,DavidSternandDirkNowitzkistandingawkwardlyinfrontofasinglecameraathalftimeofaRound2playoffgame.)

GRAY: Now to present the 2006–7 Most Valuable Player Award, NBAcommissionerDavidStern.

STERN:Leave.Now.

(Grayslinksoff.)

STERN:Well,Dirk,maybetheplayoffsdidn’tturnoutthewayyouplanned,butfor82

meaninglessgamesduringoneof theworstseasonsofmy23-year tenure,youwere the best player in a terrible league. Unfortunately, voting for the awardhappens right after the regular season, sovotersweren’t able to factor inyourcompletemeltdowninRound1againstGoldenState.Youdidn’tjustfailtostepuplikeanMVPshould,youwhinedandcomplainedtheentireseries,disgracedyour teammates and embarrassed your fans. Not since David Hasselhoff hasAmerica been so embarrassed by someone with a German-sounding name. Idon’tknowwhethertohandyouthistrophyorsmashitoveryourhead.Luckyfor you, this is being televised, so I can only hand you the trophy andcongratulateyouonthe2006–7MostValuablePlayerAward.I’mgoingtoleavenowsoIcanthrowup.

DIRKNOWITZKI(takingthetrophy):Thankyou,Mr.Commissioner.

(Sternwavesdisgustedlyathimandwalksaway.)

And…scene!

That’s pretty much what happened. Never before had a so-recently-disgracedplayeracceptedthetrophyinsuchawkwardfashion.PoorDirkendedupfleeingtoAustraliatoclearhisheadlikeAndyDufresneorsomething.Nowthatwe’reexaminingthisstuffretroactively,ifyou’reignoringmyskinsmatchsuggestion,thenNashgets the ’07MVPbecause he shouldn’t havewon in 2005or 2006

(we’llgettothat),soinaweirdway,hewasdueeventhoughhewasn’tdue.Iknow it’s like voting for a DH to win a baseball MVP, but there’s no otheroption.Youhavetobelieveme.53

CATEGORY3:

OUTRIGHTTRAVESTIES

We’recountingthesedowninreverseorderfromeighttoone:

8.KobeBryant(2008)

Hebitchedfora tradeanddisparaged teammatesbefore theseasonstarted.Hespentthefirstfewweeksonbusinesslikecruisecontrolbefore“embracing”histeammates,thenfullycommittinghimselfaftertheGasoltrade.Fromthere,wespent thenext twomonthshearing that itwasKobe’syear, thathewas finally“gettingit,”thatthiswasthebestall-aroundballhe’deverplayed,thathewasbecoming a leader on and off the court, that hewas even going out to dinnerwith his teammates and picking up checks. This revisionist fairy tale gainedsteamthroughthefirstthreeroundsbeforegoingupinflamesduringtheFinals,whenKobedidn’tplayasinglegreatgameandstink-bombedamust-winGame6 (going down with surprising meekness). The Lakers splintered as soon asthings got rough, proving something I had been arguing all along: the whole“Kobeisaleader”thingwasacompleteandtotalcrock.

ThisshouldhavebeenChrisPaul’strophy—nobodymeantmoretohisteamorhis city—and if not him, thenGarnett for salvaging professional basketball inBoston, teaching everyone how to play defense, carrying the team withunbridled intensity for 82 games, and even convincing James Posey, EddieHouseandP. J.Brown to takediscounts toplaywithhim. I stillcan’tbelieve

everyone bought into Kobe’s Bee Ess. Let’s just move on before I punchsomething.

7.SteveNash,2005

Abafflingchoicethatgetsmorebafflingwithtime.Whentheychangedthehandcheck rules and ushered in the “let’s make basketball fun again” era, NashjumpedoutasPhoenix’squarterbackofathrillingoffense.Everyone(includingme)wasenthralledthatsomeonehadrevitalizedtheCousy-likepotentialofthepointguardposition;atsomepoint,thingsescalatedandwritersstartedthrowinghim out as anMVP candidate,which initially seemed preposterous because itwould have been the first time (a) a table setter won the award; (b) a non-franchise player won the award; and (c) a defensive liability won the award.Thosearethreeprettybigleaps.

Were there racial implications to theNash/MVPbandwagon? In a roundaboutway.ItwasfuntorootforNash.HerewasaCanadiandudewithfloppyhairanda nonstopmotorwho looked likeKellyLeak,made throwback plays (like histrademark running hook), knew how to handle a fast break, made teammatesbetter and always handled himselfwith class.His style (unique, exciting) andcolor (white in a predominantly black league)made him stand outmore thananyoneelse inanygivengame.Beyond that,hewas the league’sbiggestnewwrinkleanda“SteveNashisfuntowatch,whycan’thebetheMVP?”columnor radio angle stood out. 54 Everything snowballed from there. When ShaqbattledminorinjuriesandDwyaneWadeescalatedhisgameto“poorman’sMJ”heights, therewere just enoughcracks inShaq’sMVPcampaign that thedooropened for Nash, colored by a slew of “It’s been such a delight to watchsomeone this unselfish who handles himself with so much class” mediacomments(incolumnsorontheradio),anicewayofsaying,“I’mgladhe’snotoneofthoseme-firstblackguyswithtonsoftattooswhopoundshischestafterevery good play.” By then, the Nash bandwagon was running amok like therunaway train that freed Dr. Richard Kimble in The Fugitive. Throw in theNBA’svestedinterestinpushingNash—remember,theguyconsideredtobethe

futureoftheleaguehadbeendealingwitharapetrialjusttwelvemonthsbefore—andassoonasthe“nobodyelsejumpsout,Ireallylikewatchingthisguy…fuck it” logic came into play during awards time, just enough people werefeeling thatway that poorShaq endedup getting robbed.Our final voting for2004–5:Nash:1,066

(65–54–7–1–0); Shaq: 1,032 (58–61–3–3–1); Nowitzki: 349 (0–4–43–30–16);Duncan:328

(1–0–40–13–19);Iverson:240(2–4–20–20–23).55

My vote went to Shaq because of a simple mathematical exercise revolvingaroundtwoindisputablefacts:

1.TheLakerswon57gamesin2004and34gamesin2005.

2.Miamiwon42gamesin2004and59gamesin2005.

I’mnoBillJames,butevenIcancrackthosenumbers:Shaqcauseda40-gameswing,shiftedthebalanceofpowerfromWesttoEastandwouldhavewonthetitlehadWadenotgotteninjuredwithathree-games-to-twoleadintheEasternFinals. As I wrote at the time, “This year has been special in the sense thatpeoplegethimnow—he’shadabreakoutseason,onlyinthepersonalitysense.Now there isn’t amorebeloved, charismatic, entertaining athlete in any sport.WhenIthinkofthe2004–2005season,I’mgoingtothinkofShaqfirst…andthat’stheverydefinitionofanMVP.Atleasttome.”Istillfeelthatway.

6.MagicJohnson,1990MVP

IfyoueverrunintoCharlesBarkleyforanysocialreason—atablackjacktable,

boxingmatch,Gambler’sAnonymous,wherever—bringupthe1990MVPraceand watch him go. Here’s what he’ll say: “I had the most first-place votes!That’stheonlytimethateverhappened!Firstofall,IwannaknowhowIcouldget themost first-place votes and notwin the award! I think you should onlyvoteforoneguy—Idon’tgetwhyyouhavetorankthevotes.Numberone,theydon’t do the Oscars that way. And first of all, either you’re the best guy oryou’renot.Sonumberone,ifthemostpeoplethoughtIwasthebestguy,thenthatmakesme theMVP. First of all, if I’m the best guy, then I’m theMVP,anyway. So number one, I should have been the MVP. And second, Magicshouldgivemethatdamnedtrophy!”

Herewerethethreecandidates:

Magic:22–12–7,79games,2,937minutes,63wins…aworld-classdefensiveliabilitybythispoint…receivedcreditforkeepingL.A.goingwithoutKareemeven though they were better off with the Vlade Divac/Mychal Thompsoncombo…bestfourteammates:JamesWorthy,ByronScott,A.C.Green,Divac…Playoffs:25–6–13,49%FG(9games,second-roundloss)…theweakestofhisthreeMVPyears.

Barkley: 25–12–4, 1.9 steals, 60% FG, 79 games, 3,085minutes, 53wins…below-averagedefender…bestfourteammates:JohnnyDawkins,RickMahorn,HerseyHawkins,MikeGminski

…Playoffs:25–11–6,54%FG(10games,second-roundloss)…bestall-aroundyeartothatpoint.

Jordan:34–7–6,2.8steals,53%FG,82games,3,197minutes,55wins…leagueleader in scoring and steals… first-teamAll-Defense…best four teammates:ScottiePippen,HoraceGrant,BillCartwright,JohnPaxson…Playoffs:37–7–7,51%FG(18games,EasternFinalsloss)

And the voting:Magic: 636 (27–38–15–7–4);Barkley: 614 (38–15–16–14–7);Jordan:571

(21–25–30–8–5).

EveryoneremembersBarkleygettingscrewedwhenJordanhadabiggergripe.Look at his superior offensive numbers and remember that (a) he was theleague’sbestdefensivenoncenterand(b)Barkley/Magiccouldn’tguardanyone.56Whydidn’tJordancruisetotheaward?First,themediakeptperpetuatingthebullshitthatBirdandMagic“knewhowtowin”andJordan“didn’tknowhowto win yet.” (What a farce.) Second, Barkley emerged as somewhat of a hipchoice, becoming theMan on a raucous Sixers team thatmemorably brawledwithDetroit on the final night of the season.And third,MJwas still facing a“selfish”rapeventhoughhewasmaking53%

of his shots. Wouldn’t you want him shooting as much as possible? Wheneveryonewascallinghimaballhogin’89and’90,MJaveragedacombined7.2assists, 23.2 field goals and 8.5 free throws per game. In ’93,when everyoneclaimed he embraced the triangle, trusted his teammates, and all that crap, heaveraged5.5assists,25.7fieldgoalsand7.3freethrowspergame.I’darguethatJordan started cresting in ’88 and it took his underwhelming supporting castthreefullyearstostopmurderinghimeveryspring.He’smy’90MVP.

5.DaveCowens,1973MVP

Four factors collided this season: Boston nearly broke the record for regular-seasonwins by going 68–14 (so everyone felt obligated to vote for aCeltic);Kareem won in ’71 and ’72 (so everyone felt obligated to vote for someoneelse); the leaguewasheadinginto the“everyone’soverpaidanddoesn’tgiveashit” era (so someone as intense as Cowens stood out); and the players (stillvoting)didn’trealizethatBostonsharedadivisionwith21–61Buffaloand9–73Philly(paddingtheirrecordbygoing14–0),whereasMilwaukeefinished60–22

inatougherdivisionandhadthesamepointdifferentialasBoston.Besides,youcouldn’treallypickabestplayeronthoseCelticsteams—Cowens(21–16–4andthereboundingduties),JohnHavlicek(24–7–7andthecrunch-timeduties),andJo JoWhite (19–6–6 and the ballhandling duties)were equally indispensable.It’shardformetobelievethatCowenswasmorevaluablethanHavlicek.Eventhe voting reflects this: Cowens: 444 (67–31–16); Kareem: 339 (44–24–27);NateArchibald:319

(44–24–27);Wilt:123(12–16–15);Havlicek:88(12–16–15).

Sounds like we needed a co-MVPs choice on the ’73 ballot. Meanwhile, theleague’s best player (Kareem) averaged a 30–16–5 and provided superiordefense for the troubledBucks (other than a slewof injuries and a suspiciousWaliJonesmeltdownthatledtohisrelease,57theBigObecametheReallyBigO), also suffering a personal tragedy when seven coreligionists living in hisWashington,D.C.,houseweremurderedbyarivalMuslimfaction.(AFebruary19SIfeatureaboutKareemwasevenheadlined“CenterofaStorm.”)Andyouknow what? The Bucks still won sixty. Kareem’s candidacy was crippled bydubioussupport forArchibald, the firstplayer to lead the league inpointsandassists—and beyond that, minutes (a jaw-dropping 3,681), field goals, freethrows, field goal attempts and free throw attempts—for a 36-win team thatmissedtheplayoffs.Canyoureallybe“mostvaluable”whenyourteamlost46freakinggames?Anddon’t getme started on the foolishness of a point guardaveragingnearly27shotsand10freethrowattemptspergame.Isiahcouldhavehoggedtheballlikethat;sameforChrisPaul,KevinJohnsonorTimHardawaybeforeheblewouthisknee.Noneofthemdidit.Why?Becauseitwouldhavekilledtheirteams!Theywerepointguards!Wehaven’tseenanythinglikeTinyin ’73 before or since and it’s definitely for the best. Anyway, Kareem gotrobbed.

4.CharlesBarkley,1993MVP

First, ifanyof thefourmediamemberswhogavetheir ’93first-placevotes toPatrickEwingare readingrightnow,pleaseputdownthisbookandspend the

nexthourtryingtoramyourheadupyourass.Youdiditin1993;Iwanttoseeyoudoitagain.Howcanyoulivewithyourself?Second,thequalityofthetopthree in ’93 ranks up therewith the races in ’62, ’63, and ’64, aswell as theback-to-back Bird-Magic-MJ battles in ’87 and ’88. 58 Check out thesenumbers:

Barkley: 835 votes (59–27–10–2–0): 26–12–5, 52% FG … 62 wins … hisgreatestall-aroundseason.

Hakeem: 647 (22–42–19–12–2): 26–13–4, 53% FG, 150 steals, 342 blocks(leagueleader)…

first-teamAll-Defense…55wins…hisgreatestall-aroundseasontothatpoint.

Jordan:565 (13–21–50–12–2):33–7–6,50%FG,221steals (league leader)…first-teamAll-Defense59…57wins…retainsalphadogstatusfortheseason.

That’s right, signature seasons from three of the best twenty players ever!Unfortunately, eighty-six voters overlooked the fact that Jordan and Hakeemwere two of themost destructive defensive players ever andBarkley couldn’tguardRonKovic.Don’tyouhavetwotasksasabasketballteam:toscoreandtostoptheotherteamfromscoring?Atthetime,IwouldhavevotedforMJfirst,HakeemsecondandBarkley third.And IwouldhavebeenvindicatedbecauseJordancrematedtheSunsinthe’93Finals.Sothere.

3.SteveNash,2006MVP

IpickedNashfifthinmy’06MVPcolumn,writing,“Acutechoicelastseason,

mainly because none of the other candidates stood out and I could see whysomeonewould have been swayed. (Like ordering one of those fancy foreignbeersatabar, theones in theheavygreenbottleswith the13-lettername thatyoucan’tpronounce,onlysomeoneelseisdrinkingit,soyousaytoyourself,

’Ah,screwit,I’mtiredofthebeerIalwaysdrink,lemmetryoneofthose.’)Butthis year? I’m not saying he should be ignored, but if you actually end uppickinghim,eitheryou’renotwatchingenoughbasketballoryou justwant toseeawhiteguywinback-to-backMVP’s.”

Here’swhatIwroteinthatsamecolumnafterpickingKobe(editedforspace):

Youdon’tknowhowmuchthiskillsme.Actually,youprobablydo.ButMambapassesallthreeMVPquestions…60

AnswerforQuestionNo.1

Kobe. The dude scored 62 in three quarters against Dallas, then 81 againstTorontoafewweekslater.He’sabouttobecomethefifthplayerinNBAhistoryto average35points agame (alongwithWilt,MJ,Elgin andRickBarry).HemadeupwithShaq.HemadeupwithPhil.HemadeupwithNike.Heappearedon thecoverofSlammagazinewithamamba snakewrappedaroundhim.Hedid everything butmake the obligatory cameo onWill andGrace.No playertookmoreabusefromwriters,broadcastersandradiohoststhisseason,butKobeseemedtofeedoffthatnegativeenergy.ItwasalmostBondsian.Andjustwhenitkeptseeming likehemightweardown,he’d tossupanother50 just tokeepyouonyourtoes.Kobewasrelentless.That’sthebestwaytodescribehimthisseason.61

AnswerforQuestionNo.2

Kobe. He’s the best all-around player in the league, the best scorer, the bestcompetitor,andtheoneguywhoterrifieseveryoneelse.Plus,ifyoudidn’tpickhim,hewouldmakeithismissiontohauntyouontheotherteam.

AnswerforQuestionNo.3

IfyoureplacedKobewithadecent2-guard(someonelikeJamalCrawford)fortheentire’06

There’saprecedent:onceuponatime,HarrisonFordpumpedoutmonsterhitsfor fifteen solid years before everyone suddenly noticed, “Wait a second—HarrisonFordisunquestionablythebiggestmoviestarofhisgeneration!”From1977 to 1992, Ford starred in three Star Wars movies, three Indiana Jonesmovies,BladeRunner,WorkingGirl,Witness,Presumed Innocent andPatriotGames,butitwasn’tuntilhecarriedTheFugitivethateveryonerealizedhewasconsistentlymorebankablethanStallone,Reynolds,Eastwood,Cruise,Costner,Schwarzenegger and every other peer. As with Duncan, we knew little aboutFordoutsideofhiswork.52AswithDuncan,therewasn’tanythinginherentlycompelling about him. Ford onlyworried about delivering the goods, andweeventuallyappreciatedhimforit.

Will the samehappen forDuncan someday? It’s not like he lacks numbers orcredentials.Heclosedouta’99LakerssweepagainstShaqwitha37–14–4anda33–14–4inGames3and4,averageda27–14inthe’99Finals,andbecamethesecond-youngestplayer towinFinalsMVP.Hecarrieda trulyunderwhelmingsupportingcast53toahigh2002playoffseedbytopping3,200

minutes,2,000points,1,000boards,300assists,and200blocksbyseason’send.Inthe’02

playoffs, battling the two-time defending champs with a crappy team andRobinsonmissing the first two games,Duncan averaged a 29–17–5 in a five-game loss to eventual champ L.A. (superior to Shaq’s 21–12–3). During oneseven-gamestretchagainsttheLakersandMavericksinthe’03

Playoffs,heaverageda31–17–6(andclosedoutShaq’steamwitha37–16–4).54Hecruisedtoa2003FinalsMVPbythrottlingJerseywitha24–17–5,closingtheNets outwith a near quadruple double (a should-have-been-legendary 21–20–10–8)andgettinglittlehelpfromanagingRobinson(playoffs:7.8PPG,6.6RPG)oranyoneelse (Parker,Ginobili andStephen Jacksoncombined for lessthan 37 PPG and shot 40 percent combined).After a discouraging summer in2004 (Fisher’s shocker and a crushing Olympics defeat), 55 a visibly wornDuncan adopted Pedro Serrano’s bald/goatee look, fought through nagginginjuriesandledtheSpursoverDetroitinachoppyFinals,winningFinalsMVP

bydefaultdespiteBenWallaceandRasheedWallacetag-teaminghimforsevengames.(Phoenix’sMikeD’Antonisummeditupbest:“[Duncan]istheultimatewinner, and that’s why they’re so good…. I hate saying it, but he’s the bestplayerinthegame.”Translation:Duncanissogood,Ijustthrewmy2005MVPunderthebus.)WhenhecapturedafourthtitlewithhisbestSpursteam(2007),heofficiallygrabbedthe“greatestpowerforwardever”belt.Forhisfirsttwelveyears of his career,Duncanwas nevernot one of the league’s top threemostuntradeableplayers.56

Andyet…you’renottotallysold.YourememberShaqbulldozingeveryoneforthree straight Finals.You rememberHakeem grabbing the center torch in ’94and’95.YourememberMosescarryingPhillyinthe“FoFoFo”season,beatingup Kareem and putting up that crazy 51–32 game in 1981. You don’t reallyrememberDuncangoingKeyserSözeonanyone.That’swhatbothersyou.Toberankedthishigh,youhadtokickalittleass,right?(Here’smycounter:Lookathis2003seasonagain.Heleftatrailofasses.It’strue.)Butreally,that’swhatmadehimmorespecialthananything—likeBird,RussellandMagic,healwayssavedhisA-gameforwhenhisteamdesperatelyneededit.TheperfectDuncangame?Twenty-two points, 13 rebounds, 3 blocks, get everyone else involved,anchorthedefense,winby10,everyonegoeshome.Hedidn’tgiveacrapaboutstats. He really didn’t. Remember when the media stupidly voted Parker the2007 Finals MVP? Nobody was happier for him than Duncan. That’s whatmakes Duncan great. If you want to play the “What unique trait will weremember about him?” card, go with this one: he could also play any style.During thedeadly slow-it-down,grind-it-out, defense-beats-offense era (1999–2004),Duncanwontwotitles.Duringthetransitionperiodaseveryoneadjustedto the new rules (2005–6, when the NBA called hand checking and allowedmoving picks), he won a third title. In the drive-and-dish/offense-beats-defense/smallballera,hewonafourthcrownandexcelledasoneofthefewbigguyspolishedenoughtopunishplayersdownlowandtalentedenoughtoguardquicker players on the other end. For the purposes of this book, he madeeveryone else better and came throughwhen itmattered. I don’t knowwhat’sleft.

You would have wanted to play with Tim Duncan. The man had no holes.

Except for the fact thatmydadprobably skipped this sectionof thebookandwentrighttoWilt.

6.WILTCHAMBERLAIN

Resume: 14 years, 13 quality, 13 All-Stars…MVP: ’60, ’66, 67, ’68…runner-up:’62,’64

…FinalsMVP(’67,’72)…’60RookieoftheYear…Top5(’60,’61,’62,’64, ’66, ’67, ’68),Top-10 (’63, ’65, ’72)… first 3-year peak: 43–24–4…second2-yearpeak:24–24–8…

3-year Playoffs peak: 32–27–4 (35 G) … leader: scoring (7x), rebounds(11x), total assists (1x), FG% (9x), minutes (8x) … season records: 50.4PPG,27.2RPG,72.7%FG…careerrecords:30.1PPG,22.9RPG,50-plusgames (118), most points (100), most rebounds (55); consecutive scoringtitles(7)…career:rebounds(1st),points(4th),minutes(4th)…30–22

for10straightseasons…bestplayeron1champ(’67Sixers)and1runner-up(’64

Warriors), 2nd-best player on one champ (’72 Lakers) and 3 runner-ups(’69,’70,’73

Lakers)…30K-20KClub(onlymember)

Wealreadysaidmore thanenoughabout theDipper,althoughhis ’67and’72seasonsremainatestamenttothe“Wiltcouldhavebeenthegreatestplayereverifheknewwhathewanted”

argument.LastwinterImetalongtimeCelticsfannamedPaulKelleher,oneofthoseclassicBostonIrisholdguyswithwhitehairandakickingaccent.Hehadbeencoming to theGardensince thefifties.Ofcourse, Ihad toaskhimaboutRussell and Chamberlain. His response: “Wilt was the most talented player Ieversaw,butRussell justwanted itmore.”AndI thought,“Great—Iwastedaten-thousand-word chapter explaining what this guy just summed up in onesentence.”

Butthatwasanicewaytoputit.57

Still, I couldn’t let the book slip away without passing along one dissentingopinionaboutWilt,soIenlistedmyfriendChuckKlosterman58andgavehimfivehundredwords.Here’swhathewrote.

NobodyeverrootedforGoliathwhenhewasalive,butIfeelforhimnowthathe’s dead. How can you not? Wilt Chamberlain is the archetype of a tragicfigure—a widely criticized, universally unappreciated, self-destructive coach-killer who happens to be the greatest tangible basketball player of all time. Ican’tthinkofanyotherathletewhosereputationissovastlyinferiortohisactualachievements.Arethereanyothertwo-timeNBAchampionswhoareperceivedas failures by virtually all basketball historians? I can’t think of one. Is itreasonableforamantoaverage50.4pointsagamewhilefinishingsecondintheMVPvoting?

Itisnot.ButthisisWilt’slegacy(anditalwayswillbe).

Theproblem,ofcourse,ismyuseoftheword“tangible.”Anythingdescribedas“tangibly good” is inferred to mean “intangibly flawed.” This is whyChamberlain always loses in any comparison with Bill Russell. Russellpossessed intangible greatness, whichmeans sportswriters canmake him intowhatever metaphor they desire. Russell was the central figure for a superiorfranchise, so history suggests hewas the greater, moremeaningful force. Hiswins validate everything. If you side with Chamberlain, it seems like you’residing with the absurdity of numbers. But consider this question: In analternativeuniverse(andwithadifferentattitude),couldChamberlainhavebeenRussell? Probably. Could Russell have been Wilt? Never. No chance.ChamberlainistheonlyhumanwhocouldhaveeverbeenChamberlain.

Basketballwasadifferentgameinthe1960s,socertainstatisticalanomaliesareirrelevant.But get this: In 1961–62,Chamberlain scored 60 ormore points in

fifteen different games. Michael Jordan accomplished that five times in hisprofessionallife.Sincehisretirementin1973,noplayer’ssingle-seasonreboundaveragehasequaledChamberlain’sclipforthetotalityofhis1,045-gamecareer(22.9). 59 You can come up with these kinds of factoids all night; Wilt’snumericaldominanceissoprofoundthatpeoplehavestoppedthinkingaboutit.Andevenwhentheydo,ittendstoworkagainsthim:whenwriterscitetheyearChamberlainledtheleagueinassists,it’sgenerallyusedtoshowhowWiltwasconfused(heseemedtobelievepilingupassistsprovedhewasunselfish,whichis kind of like claiming you’ve slept with 20,000 women to prove you wereinteresting). He just didn’t get it. He didn’t understand team dynamics or thereality of perception. But howmuch does that matter now? If Chamberlain’spersonalstatisticsaremoot,soareRussell’sachievementswithinthecontextofhis team.They’rebothhistorical footnotes.The realquestion is this:whowasbetter in a vacuum? Ifwe erase the socialmeaning of their careers—in otherwords, if we ignore the unsophisticated cliché that suggests the only thingvaluableaboutsports iswhowinsthelastgameoftheseason—whichofthesetwomenwasbetteratthegame?

It’spossibletheanswerisstillRussell.ButeverythingtangiblepointstoWilt.60

5.LARRYBIRD

Resume:13years,10quality,12All-Stars…FinalsMVP:’84,’86…MVP:’84,’85,’86…

BSMVP(’81)…Runner-up:’81,’82,’83,’88…’80RookieoftheYear…Top5(’80,’81,

’82,’83,’84,’85,’86,’87,’88),Top10(’90)…All-Defense(2x)…leader:threes(2x),FT%

(4x)…5-yearpeak: 28–10–7, 51%FG,90%FT…4-yearPlayoffspeak:27–10–7,50%FG,90%FT(84G)…’84Finals:27–14–3…’86Finals:24–10–10…’87Playoffs:27–10–9,43.9

MPG(23G)…career:24–10–6,50%FG,88.6%FT(9th)…highestcareerAPG, forwards (6.1)…Playoffs: 24–10–6.5, 89%FT…best player on 3

champs(’81,’84,’86Celts)andtworunner-ups(’85,’87)…memberof’92DreamTeam…20KPointClub.

And youworried this bookwould be biased?Hah!TheBird-Magic argumentmirrors Oscar-West because we reached a definitive conclusion—Oscar wasbetter than West (1965), Bird was better than Magic (1986)—that shiftedimprobably over the second half of their careers.Would you rather have ninetranscendentseasonsfromBird,followedbyafour-yearstretchwherehewasn’tremotelythesame(andmissed60percentofhisgames),oratwelve-yearstretchofA-plusMagic seasonswithout a dip in impact? I’d rather have those threeextraMagicyears.AndifIgetstruckbylightningoratelephonepolefallsonme,sobeit.61

WecoveredBird’sbrilliance in theprologuebutdidn’tdelve intohisnumbersenough. Bird filled box scores to the degree that Boston reporters started afantasyleaguemodeledafterBird’sall-aroundbrilliancein1984or1985;asfarasIcandiscern,itwasthefirstofitskind.Theythrewinmoney,draftedteamsof players, added up their points, rebounds and assists (the 42 Club premise,basically),andtheteamwiththehighesttotaltooktheprize.SinceBirdwastheobviousnumberonepick,theycalledittheLarryBirdLeague.Larryevendrewtheir draft order for the first fewyears—or so they claimed.Whenpeople arecreating fantasy leagues and naming them after you, you’re breaking newground, no? So how do we measure that impact? I created a simple formulathat’sthebastardcousinofthe42Club—addupaplayer’sfinalplacementsintheNBA’syearlyrankingsforpoints,reboundsandassistspergame.Thelowerthe number, the better. For instance, Bird ranked second in points, eighth inreboundsandnineteenthinassistsin1985.So…

2+8+19=29.

That’sabetterscorethanyouthink.Ifwemade33thecutoffpoint,limitedthelist to players whomade the top twenty in all three categories, only countedpost-Russell players62 and called it the Legends Club, only eleven post-1969seasonsqualify:1976Kareem(18),1972Kareem(21),2003

Garnett(24),1986Bird(25),1974Kareem(26),1979Kareem(26),1985Bird(27),1984Bird (30),1970BillyCunningham(31),1981Bird (32),1982Bird(33).That’sit.Magicdidn’tmakeit.NeitherdidJordanorLeBron.Birdmadeitfour timesandnearly five (with35 in1987).He’salsooneof threeplayers tocrackthetopfiftyall-timeinthethreemostrelevantper-gamecareercategories.Aswellasthetop75.Andthetop100.Andthetop-125.

Bird:24.3PPG(16th),6.3APG(41st),10.0RPG(46th)

Wilt:30.1PPG(2nd),4.4APG(126th),22.9RPG(1st)

Oscar:25.7PPG(9th),9.5APG(4th),7.5RPG(129th)

Elgin:27.4PPG(4th),13.5RPG(10th),4.3APG(133rd)

Garnett (ongoing): 20.2 PPG (53rd), 11.1 RPG (29th), 4.3 APG (135th)Cunningham:21.2PPG(35th),10.4RPG(37th),4.3APG(137th)

Magic:19.5PPG(63rd),7.2RPG(145th),11.2APG(1st)

Andwedidn’tevenmentionthathe’stheninth-bestfreethrowshooterever(89percent), or that he camewithin a heartbeat of being the onlymember of thecareer50–40–90PercentageClub(finishingwith50%FG,38%3FG,and89%FT). That’s the crazy thing about Bird: his game was never about stats, butnobodyputupnumbersquitelikehis.Sothereyougo.AllowmethreelingeringBird-relatedwhat-ifsthatdon’tincludethenameLenBias,justforkicks.

No.1:WhatifBird’sbackhadheldup?FiveHallofFamerswerefascinatingfroma“Howlongcouldtheyhavekeptgoingatareasonablyhighleveliftheyhadn’t been sidetracked or retired prematurely?” standpoint. Stockton andHavlicekcouldhaveprosperedasroleplayers into theirmid-forties; theywerephysicalfreaksalongthelinesofJaclynSmithstilllookingboinkableaftersheturnedsixty.MagicwouldhavereinventedhimselfasapowerforwardhadHIVnotderailedhim,andsincehe loved the limelight toomuch towalkaway,his

last few seasons could have been more depressing than Pacino/De Niro inRighteousKill.McHale’sPandaExpressmenucouldhaveworked foreverhadhislegsheldup;hecouldhavegoneonlow-postautopilot.AndBirdwouldhavehappily evolved into an overseer/faciliator (his role on the ’91 and ’92 Celtswhen he wasn’t in traction), hanging out on the perimeter, launching threes,swinging theball, feedingbigguysandsoaking in the“Lar-ree!”chants.LikeMatt Bonner on his greatest day ever. This would have kept going until heturned forty-fiveorbecamebored,whicheverhappened first. Ironically,Bird’sskill set lent itself to an unusually long career even though his back believedotherwise.63

No.2:WhatifBostonhadtradedRickRobeysooner?TheonlyNBAplayerwhoroutinelyshutdownBirdwasteammateRickRobey,abackupcenterwhodoubled as Bird’s drinking buddy and fellow troublemaker.When the CelticsswappedRobeyforDennisJohnsonbeforethe’84

season,Birdimmediatelyrolledoffthebestfive-yearstretchinthehistoryoftheforwardposition.Thiswasn’tacoincidence.Assoonaswemastertimemachinetechnology,let’stravelbackintimeandframeRobeyforamurderrightbeforethe’82season.Ijustwanttoseewhathappens.

No.3:WhatifBirdhadcomealongtenorfifteenyearslater?ThedirtylittlesecretofBird’ssuccess:fantastictiming.Hisheyday(1980–88)coincidedwiththelastgenerationofall-offense/no-defenseforwards(Dantley,English,etc.),64and that’s not counting all the fringe swingmen (ErnieGrunfeld,GeneBanks,etc.)andclumsypowerforwards(KentBenson,BenPoquette,etc.) torchedbyBird on a routine basis. His toughest defenders were Michael Cooper, PaulPressey and Robert Reid, lanky athletes whomade him work for every shot;nowadays, nine out of ten opponents would do that. By the late eighties, thesmall forward spot was teeming with athletes like Scottie Pippen, XavierMcDaniel,DennisRodman,DetlefSchrempf,JeromeKersey,RodneyMcCray,GeraldWilkinsandJamesWorthy,whilethebigforwardspotfeaturedthelikesofKarlMalone,JohnSalley,SamPerkins,HoraceGrant,KevinWillis,HotRodWilliamsandRoyTarpley.ThesaladdaysofTripuckaandBensonwere longgone.WhenBirdflounderedinthe

’88 Eastern Finals, we assumed he was worn out and ignored a much morelogical reason: maybe Rodman just shut his country ass down. Regardless,nobody realizedwhat happened to forwards until the 1989 draft,whenDannyFerry (number two) and Michael Smith (number thirteen) bombed morememorablythanVanillaIce’sfollow-upalbum.Andthethingis,theydidn’tdoanything wrong! They were just test cases for a totally different league. HadFerryandSmithenteredtheNBAin1975,theymighthavemademultipleAll-StarteamsintheDonandDickera.GoingagainstthelikesofPippen,MaloneandRodmaneverynight?Notachance.65

You know what the Smith Experience was like, actually? Watching thenewspaperindustrybattletheInternetthesepasttenyears.Sorry,fellas,theolddaysareover.You’regonnalose.IwishIhadbetternewsforyou.Solet’ssayBird bridged the gap between newspapers and the Internet for the forwardposition. Ifhe’dcomealong tenor fifteenyears later,hewouldhavebeen theNewYorkTimesorWallStreetJournal:stillsuccessful,stillamust-read,butnotquiteas iconic.On theotherhand,hewouldhaveadopted the three-point linemuch more quickly, and he would have developed all the modernconditioning/training/dieting habits, and shit, maybe something as simple asPilateswouldhavesavedhisback…(NowI’mtalkingmyselfoutofthis.Let’sjustmoveon)

4.MAGICJOHNSON

Resume:13years,12quality,12All-Stars…FinalsMVP:’80,’82,’87…MVP:’87,89,’90

…runner-up: ’85, ’91…Top5 (’83, ’84, ’85, ’86, ’87, ’88, ’89, ’90, ’91),Top10(’82)…

leader:assists(4x),steals(2x),FT%(1x)…3-yearpeak:22–7–12…2-yearPlayoffpeaks:19–7–15(40G)…’80Finals:22–11–9…’87Finals:26–8–13, 2.1TO’s, 54%FG… career:19.5–7–11.2 (1st), 85%FT, 52%FG…Playoffs: 20–8, 12.5APG (1st all-time)…best or second-bestplayer on 5champs(’80,’82,’85,’87,’88Lakers)and4runner-ups…holds12

differentplayoffrecords(includingmostassists)…memberof ’92DreamTeam…10K

AssistClub

Myvote for themost fascinatingbasketballcareerofall time.He’soneof themost famous college players and professional players ever. He had an iconicgame(Game6,1980)andiconicmoment(thebabyskyhook).Heplayedintenchampionship finalsovera thirteen-yearspan, takinghomesix titles inall.Hecocaptained thesinglegreatestbasketball teameverassembled(the ’92DreamTeam).HestarredinthegreatestFinalsever(1984).Hehadoneofthebestpornnameseverbutbecamesofamoussofastthatweneverrealizedit.66HebattledErving,Bird,Moses,IsiahandJordanintheFinalsoverthespanoftwelveyearsastheleagueevolvedfromtapedelaytomainstream.Hemeshedwithhiscityonandoffthecourtlikenobodyinleaguehistory.Hewascalledasavior,awinner,a coach-killer, a choke artist and a loser, and then awinner again… and hisprimehadn’tevenhappenedyet.Hebecamethefirstmantokissanothermaninprimetime.Hisgamewillneverbere-createdinyourlifetimeormine.Hisfirstretirementannouncementdoubledasoneofthetenbiggestsportsmomentsofalltime, one of three JFK-assassination-level moments for Generation X (alongwith theChallengerexplodingand theO.J.carchase)whereeveryonemyagerememberswheretheyheardthenews.Hebecamethefocalpointoftheworld’ssingle biggest health crisis in seventy-five years. And all of these thingssomehowhappenedbetweenMarch’79andAugust’92.

YouknowhowMicrosoft keeps releasingWindowswith 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, and soon?There have been seven incarnations of Earvin “Magic” Johnson in all. Inorder:

Magic1.0.TheskinnykidwiththebigsmileandbadfacialhairfromMichiganState.WeheartoomuchabouthisNCAAtitlewinandnotenoughaboutMagicbecoming the first underclassman to get picked first in the NBA draft, 67 orwhat he specifically meant as the second basketball star other than Doc totranscend color; nobody thought of him as black, just charming and genuine.

Throw inhis infectious smile, unselfishpassing,built-in rivalrywithBird andonce-in-a-lifetimegame(sixfootnine,allarmsandlegs,capableofplayingfivepositions),andMagic’scolornevermattered.Foraleaguebattlingdueling“tooblack”and“ourguysdon’tcare”syndromes,thiswasabsolutelycrucial.

(Postscript:HowterrificwasMagicinhighschoolandcollegethatheactuallygotawaywiththenickname“Magic”?That’slikegivingyourselfthepornnameLongDongSilver—youbetterbeabletobackthatup.IalwaysrespectedMagicforthisone.)68

Magic 2.0. He quickly added to his legend by rejuvenating the Lakers andwinning the ’80 FinalsMVPwith a surreal 42–15–8 inKareem’s place—andthenallhellbrokeloose.Hemissed45

gamesofhis secondseasonwithaknee injury, returnedonemonthbefore theplayoffs, then complained that his teammates (specifically,NormNixon)werejealousduringaneventualupsetlosstotheRocketsinthefirstround,saying,“Itry to give everybody the ball, keep everyone happy, but I guess it’s neverenough. I never heard of this kind of situation on awinning team.Everybodycan’tgetthepub.”69Hardenedbyfalloutfromhisrecord$25millioncontractandanasty(butnotundeserved)reputationasacoach-killer,Magic2.0peakedinyearthreewhentheLakersrolledthroughthe’82Playoffs.Nowadevastatingall-aroundplayerwhoplayedfourpositionsandfilledanyvoid—alittlelikePhilHartmanorWillFerrellonSaturdayNightLiveinthathecouldcarrytheshowandserveasavaluableutilityguy—MagicthriveddefensivelyonL.A.’sdeadlyhalf-court trap and topped200 steals.We’venever seen anyonequite like ’82Magic and the stats back it up: nomodern player came closer to averaging atripledouble(18.6PPG,9.6

RPG, 9.5 APG). But the Lakers still didn’t belong to him because he wassplitting point guard duties withNixon (something that seems incongruous inretrospect)70andhisteammatesstillbristledabouthissalaryandpublicimage.EvenKareem’s1983autobiographydismissedthelong-believedassumptionthatMagic’senthusiasmrejuvenatedhiscareer,gripedaboutthe1980

FinalsMVPvoteandproclaimed,“Wedidn’trepeataschampsin1981because

Earvingotinjured,andwhenhecamebackhehadforgottenwhatmadeusandhimsosuccessful.”Ouch.

(Postscript: Magic didn’t take those barbs personally because, again, Kareemwasaninny.Butyou’dthinkKareemwouldhaveappreciatedMagicmoreafternotplayingwithasingleAll-Starfrom1976through1979.)

Magic3.0.Didn’t emergeuntil theLakersgot swept in the ’83Finals, settledtheir alpha-dog/point-guard issue by swapping Nixon for the rights to ByronScott (givingMagic the keys to Showtime), then got roughed up by a hungryBostonteamthathijackedthe’84Finals.ItwasadoublewhammyforMagic—notonlydidBird’steamwin,butMagicchokedbadlyincrunchtimeofGame2,Game4 andGame7. (Imean,badly.Like, everyone rehashed it all summer.)Magic reboundedby leading theLakers to the ’85 title,winning the climacticGame6inBostonandexorcisingakajillionLakerdemons.That’swhenMagic3.0 peaked as a point guard extraordinare and the King of Showtime, butsomeone who still needed an alpha dog (in this case, Kareem) to carry thescoringloadforhim.

(Postscript:It’shardtooverstatehowbadlyMagic’sreputationsufferedafterthe’84Finals,whenhemistakenlydribbledouttheclockattheendofregulationinGame2, threw theballawayonanotherpotentialgame-winningpossession inGame4,brickedtwofreethrowswiththescoretiedand35secondsremaininginGame4, thenmadeconsecutive turnovers in the last80seconds tosquanderawinnableGame7.ThatAugust,SI’sAlexanderWolffevenwroteanessaytitled

“Johnson in theClutch:Don’tCallHimMagic, JustCallHimUnreliable.”71Even after his ludicrously good performance in the ’85 Finals, the consensuswas,“Yeah,buthecouldneverwinwithoutKareem.”)

Magic4.0.Didn’temergeuntilayoungRockets teamtrouncedthe’86LakersandKareemsuddenly looked200yearsold.Hardened for a third time,Magic

reinventedhimselfasacrunch-timescorer,pullingtheLakerspastBostonwithaPantheonic Finals performance: A 26–8–13 with 54 percent shooting, oneremarkablyclutchshot(thedo-or-diebabyskyhookoverMcHaleandParishinGame 4) and just 13 turnovers. Amazing. Incredible. He captured MVP andFinalsMVP, finally grabbing the conch fromBird as the league’s alpha dog.From 1987 to 1991, Magic 4.0 tallied three MVPs and two rings, made theFinals four times, won 60-plus games per year and single-handedly kept thedeclining Lakers among theNBA’s elite. Off the court, he emulated Jordan’smarketingsavvyandreinventedhimselfasacommercialpitchmanandcelebrity,even launching a Rat Pack of sorts with EddieMurphy andArsenioHall. 72Suddenly hewas the face ofHollywood, the guywho bridged every genre, alegendary performer and partier who knew everyone. You always hear thephrase“largerthanlife,”butinMagic’scase,hereallywas.73

Magic5.0:Andjustlikethat,hebecamethefaceofHIV:November7,1991.Iremember feeling like a family member had been diagnosed with terminalcancer.Whenmycollegegirlfriendcalledmeatourschool’snewspaperofficeto tellme thenews,myknees actuallywentweak.Magic isgonnadie?Evenwhenhe kept hanging aroundover the next twelvemonths—first the ’92All-Star Game, then the Dream Team, then a brief comeback that fell apart—anunspoken expiration date lingered over everything. Nobody expected him tosurvive long.Then again, nobodyunderstood the difference betweenHIV andfull-blownAIDS.WeneededsomeonefamouslikeMagic to teachusabout it.Whichhedid.

Magic 6.0.My least favorite version. After riding high for fifteen years andgettingthe“magic”

carpetpulledfromunderhim,poorEarvinspentthenextdecadehangingaroundlikeWoodersonfromDazedandConfused.74Andyouknowwhat?Thatstretchdidmoredamagetotheperceptionofhisbasketballcareerthananyonerealizes.Hewastedacuriousamountoftimesquashingrumorsabouthissexuality,evenreleasing a 1993 autobiography colored with tales about his (very hetero!)escapadesandshamelesslyplowing through the talkshowcircuitas“the (veryhetero!) studwho banged somany chicks that he ended upwithHIV,which

means this could happen to you as well!” (Important note: This relentlesscampaign inadvertently hampered the sex lives of all red-blooded Americanmalesbetween the agesof eighteenand forty for thenext eightyears.For thefirstfouryears,everyonewasterrifiedtohaveunprotectedsexunlesstheywereshitfaceddrunk.For the next four, the guysweren’t terrified but the girls stillwere,althoughit’spossibletheywerejustoutofshapeanddidn’twantustoseethemnaked.ThentheParisHilton/BritneySpearserahappened,womengot inshape and started dressingmore provocatively,we figured out that you had abetterchanceofwinningthelotterythangettingHIVfromconventionalsexandit became a sexual free-for-all. Of course, I was married by then. Awesome.Thanksforruiningmytwenties,Magic.)Didwereallyneedtoknowabouthiselevatortrysts,threesomesandfoursomes,orbizarrephilosophyaboutcheatingonlongtimegirlfriendCookie?75WasMagiceducatingAmerica’syouthaboutHIVoraffirmingandreaffirminghisheterosexuality?Thelowestpoint:MagicappearedonArsenio’s show right after theHIVannouncement andwas askedabouthissexuality.Magicsaidthathewantedtomakeitclear,“Iamnotgay.”The crowd applauded liked this was fantastic news, and even worse, Magicreactedtotheirhomophobialiketherewasnothingwrongwithit.Itwasn’thisbesthour.

Whenhispost-DreamTeamcomebackimplodedbecauseofHIVin-sensitivities,MagicbombedmiserablyonNBC, left television tocoach the’94Lakers,andresigned after sixteen frustrating games because he couldn’t reach youngerplayers.HetouredwithanexhibitionhoopsteamacrossEurope—likeawashed-upBonowastingawintersingingkaraokeatIrishbars—beforebecomingatalkshowstaple,oneof those“Iwasvery,very,veryavailable tocomeon”guestsalong the lines ofRichard Lewis, TeriGarr, andCarrot Top.On the heels ofJordan’smuch-ballyhooed return to theBulls,Magic announcedhis intentionsfor anotherNBA comeback and volunteered his services for the ’96Olympicteam.Nobody cared.Undaunted, he returned after the ’96All-StarBreak andreinventedhimselfasL.A.’snewpowerforwardfor32games.Thiswasfunforaweekbeforewe realizedanolder,bulkierMagiccouldn’tpossibly shed fivesolid years of basketball rust. Even if his opponents accepted him—anunderratedmilestone for the acceptance ofHIV in this country, by theway—EarvinhadturnedintoChrisRock’sjokeabouthow“youneverwanttobetheguywho’s just a little tooold tobe in the club” (think IndianaJonesand theKingdomoftheCrystalSkull)beforeretiringagainthatsummer.76Hequickly

created a syndicated late night show for himself, hoping to revive Arsenio’ssuccessful tactic of “friendly celebrity brings on other celebrities,makes themfeel comfortable, kisses butt, and everyone has fun.” The show would haveworked if Magic had been remotely capable of hosting it. (Personally, I wasdevastatedwhen theycanceled it—to thisday, it’s theonly latenight show toshattertheUnintentionalComedyScale.YouknowhowMagicalwaysdoeshis“Therewill nev-ah, ev-ah,ev-ah be anotherLarryBird” routine?Trustme…therewill nev-ah, ev-ah, ev-ah be anotherTV event likeTheMagicHour.)77Evenafterthatlatestpublicfailure,youstillcouldn’twatchaLakershomegamewithoutNBC’sobligatoryMagicinterview.HeinsertedhimselfintoeveryShaq-KobetitlecelebrationlikeDonKingafterabigfight.HeboastedaboutbeatingHIV and claimed the virus had been wiped from his body. When the NBAlaunchedacoedthree-on-threecelebritygameduring2002All-StarWeekend,aheavierMagicunbelievablyshowedupasateammateofJustinTimberlakeandLisa Leslie. As you watched him, you couldn’t help thinking, “Larry neverwouldhave loweredhimself to thisgame.” Ididn’t likeanythingaboutMagic6.0otherthanhisdurability.

Magic 7.0.This version had a happier ending.At least so far.Magic steppedback from the spotlight, became a visionary businessman, made hundreds ofmillionsandopenedachainofsuccessfulmovietheatersacrosstheWestCoast.Hison-airskillsimprovedsodramaticallythatABCluredhimawayfromTNTlast year.He still spendsmuch of his spare time educating people around theworld aboutAIDS andHIV.And the fact that he’s still alive and healthy, farexceedingeveryone’sexpectations,mightbehisgreatestaccomplishmentofall.

From a historical sense,Magic 6.0 cluttered ourminds and overshadowed hisactualNBAresume.Heclearlyenjoyedabetterplayingcareer thanBirduntilthe Wooderson era destroyed that relatively small gap; now we “remember”themasequals even thoughMagic’sprime lasted threeextrayears. JustknowthatIspentbothReagantermsrootingagainstMagic,callinghimachokerandarguingBird’smerits untilmy facewas blue…and thenMagic capturedmyeternal respect after thebaby skyhookandhisDecemberbuzzer-beater in theGarden that sameyear. Itwasn’t thatMagicmade those shots asmuch asmyreaction as he was taking them; my heart sank even as the ball was drifting

towardthebasket.NoteventhebiggestCelticsfanontheplanetcoulddenyitanylonger.MagicJohnsonwasjustasexceptionalasLarryBird.Beyondthat,heremainsthemostbreathtakingplayerwhoeverranafastbreak—betterthanCousy, better thanNash, better than anyone—because his height, huge hands,Gretzky-like vision and sneaky-long arms allowed him to reach the rim fasterthan opponents anticipated. (I grew up in a sports world that had sevencertainties:youweren’tstoppingKareem’sskyhook,youweren’tcoveringRicewithoneguy,youweren’tblockingLTwithoneguy,youcouldn’tletGretzkyhangbehindthenetonapowerplay,youweren’tsackingMarino,youweren’tgettingBoggstochaseabadpitchandyouweren’tstoppingMagiconathree-on-one.) And he’s the single best leader in the history of the sport. Nobodyextractedmore from teammates,whether itwasanAll-StarGame, amundaneaffairinDecemberoranyplayoffgame.

Diggingalittlefurther,onlytwomodernplayers(BirdandMagic)playedwithenough unselfishness and intuition that those qualities permeated to everyoneelse. They lifted their teammates offensively much the way Russell lifted histeammatesdefensively,adominoeffect thatcan’tbemeasuredbyanystatisticorformulaotherthanwins.PlaywithBirdorMagiclongenoughandyoustartedseeinganglesthatyou’dneverordinarilysee…andthatwentforthefans,too.Jordan may have peaked as the greatest individual player ever, but he neverbroughteveryoneelsetoadifferentlevellikeBirdandMagicdid.Ifyoulovedbasketball—if you truly loved it—you treasured them both and savored everyseason,everyseries,everygame,everyplay,everymoment.That’sjustthewayit was. They brought the game to a better place. Ultimately, it didn’t matterwhichoneofthemrankedhigheronthePyramid.

(OrsoIkeeptellingmyself.)

3.KAREEMABDUL-JABBAR

Resume:20years,13quality,15All-Stars…FinalsMVP:’71,’85…MVP:

’71,’72,’74,

’76,’77,’80…SimmonsMVP(’73)…’70RookieoftheYear…Top5(’71,’72,’73,’74,

’76,’77,’80,’81,’84,’86),Top10(’70,’78,’79,’83,’85)…All-Defense(11x,five1st)…

leader:scoring(2x),rebounds(2x),blocks(4x),FG%(1x),minutes(1x)…career: points (1st), minutes (1st), FGs (1st), 25–11, 55.9% FG (9th) …Playoffs: 24–11–3, 237 games (1st),mostFGs…bestplayer on4 champs(’70Bucks,’80Lakers,’82Lakers,’85Lakers)and3

runner-ups…’71,’74,’80playoffs:30–15–4(45G)…memberof35K-15KClub.78

NobodyinNBAhistorycanapproachthenexttwolines:

Kareem,1971:27–19–3,61%FG,FinalsMVP

Kareem,1985:26–9–5,61%FG,FinalsMVP

Chew on that one for a second. Kareem took home Finals MVPs fourteenseasonsapart—onceduringyearthreeoftheNixonpresidency,onceduringyearfiveoftheReaganpresidency.79

Things that happened between those two trophies: The Godfather and TheGodfather Part II;Watergate and Nixon’s resignation; John Belushi’s rise tostardom and subsequent overdose; the Cambodia bombings; Hulkmania andWrestle-ManiaI;theriseandfallofdisco;BattleoftheNetworkStars;TheDeerHunterandComingHome;JohnLennon’sassassination;theMunichMassacre;eleven seasons ofM*A*S*H; the apex and descent of John Travolta, ChevyChase,FarrahFawcettandBurtReynolds;AtariandIntellivision;PacManandMs. PacMan; Coach’s real-life death on Cheers;Mark Spitz, Bruce Jenner,

NadiaComaneci,SugarRayLeonard,MaryLouRettonandCarlLewis;“Whoshot J.R.?”; the Iran hostage crisis; season one ofMiami Vice; PattyHearst’sabduction;SaturdayNight Fever; the creation of home computers,Apple andMicrosoft; threeAli-Frazier fights; the first threeRocky andJawsmovies; thebirthofrap;U2andMadonna;theCambodiabombings;thebirthofcableTV,ESPN andMTV. By 1985, Bill Cosby, EddieMurphy, Michael Jackson andBruceSpringsteenwerethefourbiggeststarsontheplanet,theColdWarwasatanall-timefervor,andKareemwasstillcrankingoutFinalsMVPtrophies.

Only JackNicklaus can claim such extended athletic superiority, winning theMasters twenty-three years apart (1963 and 1986)—but really, what’s moreimpressive, peaking over fifteen years in basketball, or peaking over twenty-three years in a sport that can be played with love handles and a potbelly?Kareemmadefirst-teamAll-NBA’sfifteenseasonsapart.From1971

to1980,hecapturedsixMVPawardsandshouldhavewonseven.Forthefirstsevenyearsofhiscareer,heaverageda30–16–5with54percentshooting.Forthefirst twelveyears(1970–1981),heneveraveragedless thana24–10.From1970 to 1986 (an astonishing seventeen-year span), he averaged between 21.5and34.5pointsandmadebetween51percentand60percentofhisshots.He’sone of the most durable superstars in sports history, missing just 80 of 1640regularseasongames,crackingthe80-plusmarkeleventimes,playing237ofapossible238playoffgamesandloggingover65,000minutesinall.80Heplayedforsixchampionshipteams.HereachedelevenFinalsandfourteenConferenceFinals.Histeamsaveraged56winsperseason,dippedbelow.500

justtwiceandfinishedwitha.600-pluswinningpercentagesixteentimes.Afterhis fortieth birthday, the ’87 Lakers called consecutive “wemust score orwewilllose”playsforhiminthelast45secondsoftheirbiggestgame(Game4atBoston): a delayed screen /alley-oop that tied it, then a post play inwhich hedrewafoul.Inado-or-dieGame6ofthe’88Finals,theLakerscalledtimewith27secondstoplay,trailingbyone,andrantheirbiggestplayoftheseasonfortheir forty-one-year-old center; hedrewa foul andnailedboth free throws fortheeventualvictory.

Theyreliedonhimat thatadvancedageforonereason:KareemAbdul-Jabbarwasthesurest twopoints inNBAhistory.Listedat7-foot-2butdefinitelytwoinchestaller—atleast81—hisunstoppableskyhookremainstheonlybasketballshotthatcouldn’tbeblocked,anartisticachievementbecauseofitsconsistencyandefficiency.Everyskyhooklookedthesame:inonemotion,Kareemblockedoffthedefenderwithhisleftarm,swunghisrightarmoverhishead,reachedashigh as he could and flicked the basketball with his right wrist. Swish.Sincedefenderscouldn’tdreamofchallengingtherelease,theysettledonmakinghimmiserable, pounding him like a blocking sled—with tacit approval from theofficials,ofcourse82—turningevery9-footer intoa13-footerand livingwiththeoddsfromthere.Whatelsecouldtheydo?KareemneverneededaplanB,makinghimtheGroundhogDayofNBAsuperstars.Fansstruggledforwaystoconnect with him and failed, incapable of being thrilled by someone sopredictable and aloof. Maybe it didn’t help that Kareem skipped the ’68Olympics in protest of America’s racial climate, 83 or that he bristled at thepublic’suneasinessabouthis religionandresentedeveryone’s impossiblyhighexpectations.Hehandledeveryinterviewlikehewasdisarmingahandgrenade:too smart for dumbquestions, too serious for frivolous jokes, too reserved forany semblance of personal candor. Unlike Chamberlain, he didn’t have acompulsiveneedtobeloved;hejustwantedtobeleftalone.Andforthemostpart, that’s what fans did. When he changed his name a few weeks afterMilwaukee won the ’71 title, the NBA’s dominant player was suddenly anintroverted,intermittentlysullenMuslimwhotoweredovereverycenterexceptWilt, abhorred the press, relied on a robotic hook shot and pushed away thegeneral public. You wouldn’t exactly throw in a “Good times!” to end theprevioussentence.

(Notethat’stooimportanttobeafootnote:IalwayslikedthefactthatthebesttwoathletestoadoptMuslimnameshappenedtopicktremendouslycoolnames—Muhammad Ali and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. According to the website forMuslimnames that I justGoogled twentysecondsago,Kareem’snamemeans“generous, noble, friendly, precious and distinguished.” I will fight off theobligatorydigaboutthepomposityofthatchoicebecauseIpromisedapotshot-freezone.But imagine ifhe’dpicked“Khustar,”whichmeans“surroundedbyhappiness.”Would Kareem have been as imposing with a name like KhustarAbdul-Jabbar?Probably not.What if he’d gonewithMusharraf,whichmeans“onewhoishonoredorexalted”?MusharrafAbdul-Jabaar?Idon’tthinkso.Not

to to sound like Colonel James, but Kareem Abdul-Jabbar … that’s a greatfuckingname!

By theway,myfavoriteMuslimnameon thatwebsite:Khasibmeans“fertile,productive,andprofuse.”ShouldImaketheShawnKempjokeordoyouwanttodoit?Goahead.Youtakeit.Let’smoveon.)

But that’s how it went through the 1970s. We kept hoping someone wouldsupplant him and nobody did. Kareem’s public stature suffered for fourunrelated reasons: the goofy combination of his afro, facial hair and gogglesadded to his detachment (it almost seemed like aHalloweenmask); his tradedemands(Milwaukeefinallyobligedin1975)madehimseemlikejustanotherpetulant black athlete who wanted his way (the public perception, not thereality);1977’ssuckerpunchofKentBensonwentoverlikeafartinchurch;andhis ongoing battle with migraines made fans wonder if he was looking forexcuses not to play. So what if the goggles were a result of his eyes gettingpokedsomanytimesthatdoctorsworriedaboutpermanentdamage,thatBensonelbowedhimfirst, thatMilwaukeehada lousysupportingcastandnoMuslimpopulation, that his headaches left him unable to function? Kareem neverreceivedthebenefitofthedoubt—notfromanyone,notonce,notever.Peoplegrumbledthathedidn’tgiveacrap,mailedingames,playedoncruisecontrol,failed tomake teammatesbetter andonly cared aboutmoney.That perceptionfaded onceMagic turned the Lakers into the league’smost entertaining team,breathing life into Kareem’s career in the process. Sports Illustrated ran aJanuary1980featurewiththeheadline“ADifferentDrummer”andthesubhead“Afteryearsofmoodyintrospection,KareemAbdul-Jabbariscomingoutofhisshell.”Hemadeawell-receivedcameo ina comedycalledAirplane thatbleweveryone away, playing himself as a pilotwith the alias “RogerMurdock.”Ayoungpassengerrecognizeshimand“Roger”deniesit,leadingtothisexchange.84

KID:Ithinkyou’rethegreatest,butmydadsaysyoudon’tworkhardenoughondefense.Andhesaysthatlotsoftimes,youdon’tevenrundowncourt.Andthatyoudon’treallytry…exceptduringthePlayoffs.

KAREEM:ThehellIdon’t.Listen,kid,I’vebeenhearingthatcrapeversinceIwasatUCLA.I’mouttherebustingmybunseverynight.TellyouroldmantodragWaltonandLanierupanddownthecourtfor48minutes!

yhislastscene,whenKareemwasbeingluggedfromthecockpitwithhisLakeruniformandgoggleson,everyonehadthesamereaction.Kareemhasasenseofhumor?What?Hewouldhavecruised to1980’sComebackPersonalityof theYearAwardifhissinglegreatestplayingmoment—whenhesprainedanankleinGame5ofthe’80Finals,limpedbackinwiththeLakerstrailing,finishedoffa40-pointperformanceononelegandwilledthemtoacrucialvictory—hadn’thappenedontapedelayandbeenovershadowedbyMagic’sseries-clinching42–15–7 twodays later.85 Just like that,Kareem’s likabilitywindowhadclosed.The struggling Association moved forward with Bird and Magic, hitting itsstrideinthemid-eightiesasKareemsettledintoanewroleastheaging,“Howthehellishestilldoingit?”superstar.Andhere’swherememoriescanbeunfair:Kareem’s last six seasons (1984–89) unfortunately doubled as his most-seenstretch because the league’s TV ratings took off. Few remember himdemolishingthe

’71Bullets,sinkingtheseason-savingskyhookindoubleOTofthe’74Finalsor hobbling around to save the ’80 Finals; everyone remembers when hecouldn’trebound,couldn’tkeepMosesofftheboards(Kareemwasthirty-sixatthetime,bytheway),couldn’tprotecttherim,slowedL.A.’sfastbreak,losthishairandhungaroundforoneawkwardseasontoolong.Thethingthatmadehimgreater than Wilt—his staggering longevity—wounded the perception of hiscareerafter thefact.Wiltbrokeeveryrecord.Russellwoneleventitles.Jordandominated the nineties.Kareem?He’s themoody guywho peaked during theNBA’s darkest era and wouldn’t leave when it was time. What’s fun aboutcelebratingthat?

SinceKareemwasmeasuredagainstWilt fromthemomenthestartedpoppingarmpithair,let’s

keep the tradition going here. We already debunked the myth about Wilt’s“inferior” supporting cast, but for the record,Wilt playedwith sevenPyramidguys(Greer,Arizin,West,Baylor,Cunningham,ThurmondandGoodrich)andKareem played with five (Dandridge, Oscar, Worthy, McAdoo and Magic).Wilt’ssupportingcastpickedupforthelasttwo-thirdsofhiscareer(1965–74);Kareem’sonlypickedupinthelasthalf(1980–89).AndWiltneverdealtwithanythingapproachingKareem’sshitsandwichinthe1970s,whenhisonlyeliteteammateswereOscar (’71and ’72),Dandridge (’71 through ’75) and JamaalWilkes(’78and’79).From’73

through’79,Kareemdidn’tplaywithasingleAll-Starorelitepointguard.86Intwenty seasons, he only played with one power forward who averaged tenrebounds:theimmortalCornellWarnerin1975.Whenhedraggedthe’74BuckstotheFinals,theirfourthandfifthleading“scorers”wereRonWashingtonandJonMcGlocklin.WhentheLakersacquiredhiminthesummerof’75,theyhadto give up their best young players (BrianWinters, DavidMeyers and JuniorBridgeman)andleftKareemwithoutadecentfoundation.Whenhedraggedthe’77LakerstotheWesternFinalswithoutKermitWashingtonandLuciusAllen(bothinjured),hiscrunch-timeteammateswerefourpiddlingswingmen(CazzieRussell, Earl Tatum, Don Chaney and Don Ford, with no rebounder or pointguardtobeseen).87Um,whyisWilttheonerememberedasbeing“saddled”withapoorsupportingcastagain?EvenKareemadmittedin1980toSI,“It’sthemisunderstandingmostpeoplehaveaboutbasketball thatonemancanmakeateam.Onemancanbeacrucialingredientonateam,butonemancannotmakeateam…[and]Ihaveplayedononlythreegoodteams.”

As for Wilt’s statistical “superiority,” we already established that the Dipperarrived during an optimal time: a mostly white league, no “modern” centersotherthanRussell,modifiedoffensivegoaltending,morepossessions,andalessphysical game that allowed him to play 48minuteswithout any real physicalrepercussions. Those factors inflated his numbers, whereas Kareem’s onlyadvantagefrom1970to1976wasdilution/overexpansion.CompareWilt’sthird

season (’62, his best statistically) with Kareem’s third season (’72, his beststatistically)andWilt’sseasonlookssignificantlybetteronpaper.88

Thenyoukeepdigging:

1962 starting centers: Russell (Hall of Famer);Walt Bellamy,Wayne Embry,JohnnyKerr(qualitystarters);ClydeLovellette,DarrallImhoff,WalterDukes,RayFelix(stiffs)

1972startingcenters:Chamberlain,Reed,Cowens,Thurmond,Unseld,Lanier,Elvin Hayes, (Hall of Famers); JimMcDaniels, Bellamy, Elmore Smith, TomBoerwinkle(qualitystarters);NealWalk,JimFox,BobRule,WaltWesley,DaleSchuleter(stiffs)

Throw in adearthof athleticpower forwards in ’62 andWilt could run amoklikethekillerbearfromTheEdge.Kareem’spivotopponentswereundeniablybetter,aswerethenewwaveofforwardsfightinghimforrebounds(PaulSilas,BillBridges,ClydeLee,HappyHairston,ConnieHawkins,SpencerHaywood,SidneyWicks,DaveDeBusschere, JerryLucasand soon).As for the stylisticchangesfrom1962to1972:

Can you say “statistical inflation”? Look at their percentages of their teams’averagesinthefollowingcategories.

Torecap:Wiltscored40percentofhisteam’spoints;Kareemscored30percentbut did it more efficiently in a more physical era (57.4 percent shootingcompared toWilt’s 50.6percent);Kareemgrabbed just 2.8percent lessof histeam’s available rebounds. Throw in Wilt’s era-specific advantages (coveredearlier), all those extra Philly possessions (roughly 23–24 per game) and thedifference inwins (63 forMilwaukee,49 forPhilly)andKareem’s ’72seasonmay have been more impressive than Wilt’s legendary ’62 season. In fact,Kareem’s35–17hasonlybeenapproachedfourtimessince1972:McAdoo(31–15in’74,34–14in’75),Moses(31–15in’82)andShaq(30–14in’00).Andit’snot like ’72was a fluke:Kareem averaged at least a 30–16 for three straightyears and topped 27 points and 14.5-plus rebounds in the same season sixdifferenttimes.In97playoffgamesfrom1970to1981,Kareemaveraged29.4pointsand15.2rebounds.89

So yeah,Wilt’s statistical resumepops your eyes out on paper.ButKareem’speak was nearly as impressive. He excelled for a longer period of time. Histeamsperformedconsistentlybetterandwonthreetimesasmanytitles.Hewasmorereliableinclutchmomentsandamuchsaferbetatthefreethrowline.Hehadan infinitelybettergraspofTheSecret.Thegapbetweenhis firstand lastFinalsMVPs lastedas longasWilt’sentirecareer.Evenhismoviecareerwasmoreentertaining.90

KareemAbdul-Jabbarmayhavebeenfuntodislike—andbelieveme,Idid—buthisgreatnesscannotbedenied.He’sthethird-bestbasketballplayerofalltime.Better thanOscar.Better thanWilt.Better thanMagic orBird.And sincewefinallyhavethatsettled,Iwillnowlightmyselfonfire.

2.BILLRUSSELL

Resume:13years,12quality,12All-Stars…MVP:’58,’61,’62,’63,’65…SimmonsMVP

(’59)…runner-up:’59,’60…Top5(’59,’63,’65)…Top10(’58,’60,’61,’62,’64,’66,’67,

’68)…3-yearpeak: 18–24–4…3-yearPlayoffspeak: 21–27–5… leader:rebounds(5x)…

career:15.1PPG,22.5RPG(2ndall-time),4.3APG…Playoffs:16.2PPG,24.9 RPG (1st), 4.7 APG … record: rebounds, one half (32); rebounds,Finals(40);RPG,Finals(29.5)…

bestplayeron11champsand2runner-ups (’50s, ’60sCeltics)…10–0 inGame7’s,16–2indo-or-diegames…onlyplayer-coachtowinatitle(2x)

BillBradleysummedupnumber6’scareernicelyinLifeontheRun:“Russellnevergotasmuchrecognitionashedeserved.Racewasonereason.Duringtheearly sixties no black artist got adequate publicity. Then, too, perhaps probasketballdidn’thavethenationalfollowingsufficienttomeritenormouspressattention. Most probably, I think he was overlooked because his greatestaccomplishmentswereinthegame’ssubtletiesandinseekingtoguaranteeteamvictoryinasocietywhichtendstofocusattentionontheindividualachiever.”

Imagine if I could have been that succinctwith thePyramid; youwould havefinished this book twoweeks ago.ButBradleymissed one crucial part of theRussell Experience: Russell was obsessed with winning. A handful of NBAplayerswerewiredwithovercompetitiveDNA,91butRussellandJordanstandalone in their singular devotion to prevailing over and over again. The singlegreatestRussellstatisticotherthanelevenrings?Russell’steamsfinished10–0in deciding Game 5’s or Game 7’s. The single greatest Jordan statistic? TheBullslosttheirfirstthreegamesofthe1990–91season,butafterthat,theyneverlostthreeinarowagainwithJordanwearingaChicagouniform.92Anyonecanwin twoor three titles.Russell and Jordandefended their turf againandagainandagain,andbeyondthat,theymeasuredthemselvesbythosedefenses.Theysearched for every possible edge even if theywent about it in differentways.

Russell embracedhisbiggest foe, befriendedhimandallowedhim to shine inmeaningless moments, even as he was secretly ripping out the guy’s heartwithouthimrealizing it. Jordansettled for tearingoutheartsandholding themup like the dude fromTemple ofDoom.Hewanted his rivals to know itwashappening. That’s what he loved most—not the winning as much as thevanquishing.Russelljustlovedwinning.

The other difference between them: at no point in Russell’s career did ateammatehiss, “Ihate that asshole”or “Hecares abouthimselfmore than theteam.”Russell’steammatestreasuredandreveredhim.Theysinghispraisestothis day. They maintain that you cannot place a statistical value on what heaccomplishedonadailybasis.Codewordslike“sacrifice”and“teammate”and

“unselfish” pop up every time he’s remembered. He’s the only player whorealized every component of basketball as a teamgame—not just playing, butcoming together as a group, respecting one another, and embracing commongoals—fromthefirstgameofhiscareerthroughthelast.InGeorgePlimpton’s“Sportsman of the Year” piece about Russell in 1968, he passed along afascinatinganecdotefromBostontrainerJoeDiLaurithatexplainedRusselltoatee:

ThebigconcernhehasisfortheCeltics.Nothingelsereallymatters.That’swhyheseemssocoldoftentothepressandthefans.They’renotCeltics.Afterwewonthechampionshiplastyearhekickedeveryonewhowasn’taCelticoutofthe dressing room—press, photographers, hangers-on, and also this poor guywhowastendingatelevisioncamerainthelockerroomwhosaidhehadtohavepermissiontoleaveituntended,pleadingtostay,saidhewasgoingtolosehisjob,andittookthreeorfourminutestogethimout.Thepresswaspoundingonthedoor,furiousaboutdeadlinesandall,andRussellturnedaroundandlookedatusandheasked

[Bailey]Howelltoleadtheteaminprayer.HeknewBaileywasareligiousman—itwasalsohisfirstyearonachampionshipteam—andheknewBaileywouldappreciateit.Russell’snotareligiousmanhimself.SamJonessaid,“Youpray?”AndRussellsaid,“Yeah,Sam.”

YouneverhearJordan’steammatesandcoachesdiscusshimthatway.Notevennow. Themost compelling part of his storyline, for years and years, was thecollective attempt to channel his competitiveness into the greater good of theteam.Heneededto“trust”histeammatesand“makethembetter.”Weheardthisagainandagain.ThenhissupportingcastimprovedandChicagostartedwinningtitles,sowestoppedhearingit…eventhoughhewasplayingthesamewayhealwaysdid.93Onlyafterhis“baseballsabbatical”didJordanfullyembracetheteamdynamic,whereasRussell’ssenseofteamwasingrained.Whichbringsusto the best part of Russell’s resume, as well as the point that potentiallyunderminesit:hissuccessintightgames.OfRussell’seleventitles,sixhingedongamesthatcouldhaveeasilyswungagainsttheCeltics.94Eachwentintheirfavor, with only one involving an opponent missing a season-deciding shot(FrankSelvyin1962).Onthefaceofit,youmightsayitwasluck,somethingofan Anton Chigurh coin flip that fell his way every time. But with close-knit,unselfish teamsandanalphadogwholives tomakeeveryoneelsebetter,howmuchofitisreallyluck?Inatightgameofteamsbetweenequaltalentswiththepressuremounting,wouldn’tyouwagerontheclose-knit/unselfishteamledbythebestdefensiveplayerever?Isn’tthatwhatbasketballisallabout?

Nowyou’resaying,“Waitasecond…sowhyisn’tRussellno.1?”Becauseit’sso difficult to project Russell into today’s game. Athletically, he could havesurvived.Noquestion.ButRussellwasn’t talleror thicker thanKevinDurant.HowwouldhehavedefendedKareem?95WhataboutYaoMing,RikSmitsorArtisGilmore?WhataboutShaq inhisprimeorevenyoungDwightHoward?Andwouldn’thismediocreshootingbecomeabiggerliabilityintoday’sgame?WouldRussellbe70percent as effectivenow?Eightypercent? Is thenumberhigher or lower?How canwe know?LikewithOscar, Pettit, Elgin andWilt,Russell’sera-specificadvantagesarehardtoignore.ItwaseasiertoblockshotswhennobodywasattackingtherimexceptforWilt,justlikeitwaseasiertograbrebounds when opposing forwards were six-four and six-three instead of six-eightandsix-eleven.Russellalsohadmorevalueinthesixties:everyoneplayedrun-and-gunandeverybasketonlycountedfortwopoints,soarebounder/shotblockerwas thebiggestcommodityyoucouldhave.Now it’sa slash-and-kickgamedrivenbyperimeterstars;duringthe

’09 season,when only five players averagedmore than 10.0 rebounds and 39players shotbetter than40percenton threes,you’rebetteroffwithaLeBron-like scorerwhocreatesquality shots forhimself andhis teammates.Andwithgigantic salaries, salary cap rules and luxury tax hindrances, it’s nearlyimpossibletoassembleanunselfishinfrastructureofteam-firstplayersandkeepit in place—this decade, only the Spurswere able to do it formore than fouryears—whichmeansRussellwouldbattle1-in-30oddsjustthathe’dbelandingontheperfectteamforhim.Solet’ssplitthedifferenceandputhimonamoderncontender—we’ll switch him with Howard and say Russell averages 16.3rebounds,12.7pointsandarecord-breaking6.2blocksagameforthe2009

Magic.Doyou feel likewe’reguaranteeda title? Idon’t feel likeweare.Wehaveagoodchance

… but it’s not a lock. (June ’09 addition: Strangely, I wrote this section twomonthsbeforeOrlandosnuckintothefinals.Foreshadowing?ESP?)

Andthat’swhatsetsthenextguyapart.Stick’92MJor’96MJinanyeraandheimmediatelybecomesthealphadog.From1946to1965,itwouldhavebeenunfairandscientistswouldhavetestedhiminthemistakenbeliefthathewasanalien.From1965to1976,hewouldhavedominatedonahigherlevelthanWestdid… andWest onlywon a title and reached six other Finals. From1977 to1983,hewouldhavecrushedit.Youknoweverythingthathappenedfrom1984on.Throw in Jordan’s individual and team success, aswell as his lackof anyconceivableholes—seriously,whenwewilleverseetheleague’sbestoffensiveplayeralsomakenineAll-Defensiveteams?—andBillRussellwillhavetosettleforsecondplace.Foronce.

1.MICHAELJORDAN

Resume:16years,12quality,16All-Stars…MVP:’88,’91,’92,’96,’98…SimmonsMVP:

’90,’93,’97…runner-up:’87,’89,’97…’85RookieoftheYear…FinalsMVP:’91,’92,

’93,’96,’97,’98…Top5(’87,’88,’89,’90,’91,’92,’93,’96,’97,’98),Top

10(’85)…

All-Defense (nine1st)…DefensivePlayerof theYear (’88)…30+PPG8times, 34+ PPG in 7 different Playoffs… 4-year peak: 34–6–6, 3.0 SPG,52%FG… career: 30–6–5, 49.7%FG, 83.5%FT…Playoffs: 33.4 PPG(1st),6.4RPG,5.7APG(179G)…Finals:34–6–6(35g’s)

… leader: scoring (10x), steals (3x) … records: most scoring titles (10);consecutive scoring titles (7);mostFinalsMVPs (6);highestpoints,Finals(41.0 in ’93);mostPlayoffspoints,career;mostpoints,onePlayoffsgame(63);mostpointsinonehalf,Finalsgame(35)…

career: points (3rd), steals (2nd) … best player on 6 champs (’91–’93,’96–’98Bulls)…30K

PointClub

Inmylifetime,onlyonesuperstarwasroutinelydescribedlikeHannibalLecter.Michael is a killer. Michael will rip your heart out. If you give Michael anopening,hewillkillyou.Michaelsmellsblood.Michaelisgoingforthejugular.Nobody goes for the kill like Michael Jordan. They’re on life support andMichael is pulling the plug.Michael will eat your liver and cap it offwith aglass of Chianti. I made up only the last line; everything else was definitelymuttered by an announcer between 1988 and 1998. Our society enabled thecompetitorthatMichaelJordanbecame:wevalueathleteswhotreasurewinning,maximizetheirownpotential,stayinsuperiorshape,pumptheirfists,slapassesandwouldrathermaimthemselvesthenloseagame.RonnieLotthadpartofhispinkie amputated in the offseason in order to keep playing in the NFL. Wethoughtthiswasawesome.WelovedRonnieLottforthis.Nowthat’saguywhocares!Tigerwon the 2008U.S.Open playingwith a tornACL.Now that’s achampion! PeteRose bowled over Ray Fosse to score thewinning run in the1970All-StarGame, separatingFosse’s shoulder and altering his career.Hey,youdon’tblockhomeplatewhenit’sPeteRose!Wewillalwayslovetheguyswhocarejustalittlemorethaneveryoneelse,justlikewewillalwayshatetheoneswhodon’t.Why?Becausewe like to think thatwe’dplay thatway ifwewereblessedwiththosesamegifts.Orsomething.

That’s why we never judged Michael Jordan for his competitive disorder. Ifanything,wedeifiedit.Themancoulddoanythinganditwasokay.From1984to1991,byallaccounts—magazines,newspapers,books,younameit—Jordanpulledall thesameshit thatKobedid thisdecade,only inamore indefensibleanddebilitatingway.WhenSamSmithfinallycalledhimoutinhisturned-out-to-be-totally-accurate 1992 book,The Jordan Rules, everyone reacted likewewould now if Perez Hilton started lobbing online grenades at Obama’sdaughters.Jordancouldn’tbeanasshole,andevenifhewas,wedidn’twanttoknow.BythetimeKoberosetoprominence,oursocietyhadbecomemuchmorecynical: we gravitated toward tearing people down over building them up, sothat’swhatwedid.Had Jordan comealong fifteenyears later, the same thingwouldhavehappenedtohim.

Ofcourse,Kobe’sdivaroutinehappenedoutofweakness:hecouldn’tfigureouthisownidentityandsettledonaslightlycreepyJordanimpression,pursuingthatgoalby trying toexcelonbothends (did it),wina fewrings (did it), scoreasmanypoints as possible (did it),mimic Jordan’s celebratory fist pump (did it)and lead his own team to the title (didn’t do it). Everything about Kobe’shandling of the inevitable transition from “the Robin to Shaq’s Batman” to“Batman”was clumsy.96 Jordan always knewwho hewas.Hehad towin ateverything.Hestudieduponopponentsandsearchedforanysignsofweakness,evenpumpingbeatwritersandbroadcastersforinsiderinformation.Hesoakedteammates inpokeron teamflights sobrutally that coacheswarned rookies tostayaway.HelostinPing-PongtoteammateRodHigginsonce,boughtatableandbecamethebestPing-Pongplayerontheteam.HedunkedonUtah’sJohnStocktononce,heardUtahownerLarryMillerscream,“Whydon’tyoupickonsomeoneyourownsize?”thendunkedoncenterMelTurpinandhissedatMillerafterward,“Hebigenoughforyou?”Hebribedairportbaggageguystoputouthis suitcase firstonce, thenwagered teammates thathisbagwouldbe the firstoneontheconveyorbelt.HestormedoutofaBullsscrimmageoncelikealittlekid because he thought Doug Collins screwed up the score.When a team ofcollege All-Stars outscored the Dream Team in a half-assed scrimmage andmade themistakeofpuffing their chestsout, Jordan startedout thenextday’sscrimmagebypointingatAllanHoustonandsimplysaying,“Igothim”

…andHoustondidn’ttouchtheballfortwohours.97

Jordanmeasuredeverythingbytheresultandeveryteammatebyhiscapacitytocareabout that result.Hetested themconstantlyandweededout theoneswhofolded:DennisHopson,BradSellers,WillPerdue,StaceyKing…it’salongerlistthanyouthink.Hepunchedteammatesinpracticetoreasserthisdominance.Intheearlyyears,hewenttoofarandhisbloodthirstyfirecrippledafewofhisteams;youneverwant to affect teammates to thedegree that they’re afraid toassertthemselvesinbiggames.CraigHodgestoldMichaelWilbonabouta1990incident inwhich Pippenmade themistake of challenging Jordan in practice,whenMichael“proceeded,literally,toscoreonScottieatwill.Itwasincredible.Imean,ScottiePippeneventhenwasoneofthebestplayersintheleagueandMichael just rainedpointsonhim.Scottiehad tostepbackandsay, ‘Slowup,man.’” For years and years, Jordan couldn’t rein himself in. He cared aboutwinning, but onlyonhis terms—healsowanted towin scoring titles, drop50wheneverhepleasedand treathis teammates like thebiggestbully inaprisonblock—whichledPhilJacksontoadoptthetriangleoffenseinalast-ditcheffortto prevent Jordan from hogging the ball (and, Jackson hoped, embolden hissupportingcast).Bythe1991playoffs,whenhisteammateshadadvancedtoanacceptablelevel,Jordanfoundaworkablebalancebetweeninvolvingthemandtakingoverbigmoments.Therestwashistory.98

YouknowJordan’s“bestever”credentials:hisplayoffchops,individualrecordsandall-aroundhonorssurpass thoseofanyoneelsewhoeverplayed.Heownsmore iconicmoments than anyone: the 63-point game at the Garden, the ’87SlamDunkContest,“theshot”againstthe’88Cavs,the

“Ohhhhhh,aspec -tack-ularmove!” layup in the ’91Finals, those6 threes inthe’92Finals(alongwiththeshrug—youcan’tforgettheshrug),41pointspergameinthe1993Finals,the72-winteamin’96,theFluGamein’97andTheLast Shot in ’98. He demoralized eight memorable teams in eight years—theBad Boy Pistons, the Showtime Lakers, Riley’s Knicks, Drexler’s Pistons,Barkley’s Suns, Shaq’sMagic,Malone’s Jazz andMiller’s Pacers—and nonewaseverquitethesame.99HeaccomplishedeverythingwithjusttwoPyramidteammates(ScottiePippenandDennisRodman)andabunchofroleplayersandpseudo-scrubs.Whenhecapturedthatlasttitlein1998,weallagreed:Thisisthegreatestbasketballplayerwewilleversee.Thatdidn’tstopusfromlookingfor

thenexthim.Wespentthenextelevenyearsanointingfalsesuccessors,hypingyoungstarswhoweren’treadyandoverratingimitatorswhoweren’treallyhim.Weneedtostoplooking.

Mypersonalbelief:NobodywillsurpassJordan.Ever.AndIhavefourreasonswhy…

Reasonno.1:thefourpeaksMostbasketballplayerspeakonceandthat’sit(acareeryear,aswecallit).Anelitefewpeakasecondtime:Hakeemin’90and’94,Barkleyin’90and’93,Westin

’66 and ’70, and Shaq in ’95 and ’00, to name four. In rare cases, an athletepeaks three different times: Bird (’84, ’86 and ’87), Magic (’82, ’85, ’87),Kareem(’72,’76,’80)andWilt(’62,’67,

’72) released a 3.0 version that exceeded the 1.0 and 2.0 versions in manyrespects. Only Jordan peaked four times, and arguably, Jordan 4.0 was betterthantheotherthreeversions.Herearethemodels:

•MJ1.0(’89-‧90).Hisfifthandsixthseasons,normallywhenastarmakestheleapandscratchestheceilingofhistalents.Jordancarriesalousy’89Bullsteamto47winsandanEasternFinalscameoduringanextremelycompetitiveyear,finishingwiththebestall-aroundstatisticalseasonsincethemerger:32.5PPG,8.0APG,8.0RPG2.9SPG,54%

FG,85%FT(regularseason),34.8PPG,7.0RPG,7.6APG,2.5SPG,51%FG(Playoffs).Thefollowingspring,heenjoysthefinestPlayoffsofhiscareer(43.0points,7.4assists,6.6 reboundsand55percentshootingagainstPhilly)beforefallingtoDetroitinseven.Asapureathleteandscorer,here’sthestretchwhenJordan peaked: matchless athletic ability, maximum speed and explosiveness,Larry /Magic-level respect from officials, extreme durability (played 99 of 99games despite old-school rules that allowed teams like the Pistons to hammerhimondrives)andmultipledefendersrequiredtostophim.Unleash’89

Jordan into the currentNBAwith no hand checking or hard fouls and it’s allover.He’dscore45agame.100

•MJ 2.0 (spring ’93). He’s mastered everything at this point. A rigorousworkout routine sculpts his body andwhips him into superior shape, enablinghim to absorb hard fouls, stop tiring at the end of games and abuse smallerdefendersonthelowpost.He’sasavvierall-aroundplayer,withabettersenseofhow(tousehisteammates)andwhen(istherighttimetotakeoveragame),evendefendinghisteammates(whichhedidrepeatedlyagainstRiley’sKnicks,personified by the memorable “And one!” layup where he stood over XavierMcDanielandyelpedangrilyathim)insteadofunderminingthempubliclyandprivately.Onlyoneproblem:themansuddenlyhasnopeers.He’stheonlyNBAsuper-duperstarwithoutarelativeequaldrivinghimtoremainontop.Thatputshiminano-winsituation.Oncethemediapressureandpublicattentionbecomestoomuch,hemakesoneofthemostcuriousdecisionsinNBAhistory:hewalksawayathisapex.101

•MJ3.0(winter’96).Jordanshakesoffthebaseballrust,102rebuildshisbodyfor basketball and and playsmore physically on both ends—instead of BarrySanders, he’s Emmitt Smith, picking his spots, plugging away, moving thechains and punishing defenders for four quarters.MJ 3.0 features descriptionslike“extremelyresourceful”and

“cerebral on the Bird-Magic level,” and as if that’s not enough, his baseballfoibles taught him to embracehis teammates, accept their faults and adapt hisownconsiderableskillstocomplementtheirs.HefinallyunderstandsTheSecret.

•MJ4.0(spring’98).Myfavoriteversion.Hishopsareprettymuchgone,yethemakes up for it with renewed intensity and resiliency. Rarely does Jordanexhibit emotion anymore; even game-winning jumpers are celebrated with asimplefistpumpandarelievedsmile.LikeAliinthemid-seventies,hereliesonguile, experience, memory, and heart and knows every trick (like the BryonRussellpushtowinthe’98Finals).103Jordan4.0demonstratesa(Ihatetousethisword,butscrewit)surrealability to takecommandinoptimummoments.Youcouldsayheevolvedfromthegreatestbasketballplayerevertothegreatestcloserever,andhiscollectionofperformancesagainstsuperiorPacersandJazzteams—ashefoughttheeffectsofhisthirdstraight100-gameseason,coaxedasmuchashecouldfromathirty-six-year-oldbody,carriedScottiePippen’sslack(derailedbyabadback) in the final twogamesandstillmanaged tocarry the

Bulls to a title—remains the most extraordinary athletic achievement of mylifetime.WatchGame6ofthe’98Finalssometime.Hewinsitbyhimself.Nohelp.Justhim.Hescores41ofChicago’sfirst83points,bidinghistimeevenashe’smanipulating the proceedings. Down by threewith 40 seconds to go, hegoesforthekill—explodesforacoast-to-coastlayup,stripsKarlMaloneontheother end and drains the game-winner, all in one sequence—without a singleteammate touchingtheball,afittingconclusionto themostbrilliantbasketballgameeverplayed.IknowLeBronJamesisfantasticrightnow,butifhe’sstillwinningchampionshipsbyhimselfatthirty-sixonthefourthversionofhimself,wecanstarttalkingabouthimandJordan.Andonlythen.

Reasonno.2:pathologicalcompetitiveness.Ican’timagineakillerlikeJordanhappeningagain,andhere’swhy:theNBAistoobuddy-buddynow.Thesestarsgrowup together, befriend one another, hang out during summers, playTeamUSA together, text andemail eachother… it’s abigcircle jerk.WatchKobegreet Carmelo after an allegedly hard-fought game; they look like oldroommates reconnecting at a college reunion. The greats from Jordan’s eraalwaysmaintainedarespectfuldistance;evenwhenMagicandIsiahsmoochedeachother,therewasacoldnesstoit.104

WhenJordanandBarkleybecameclose,partofmealwayswonderedifJordansniffedoutBarkleyasapotentialrival—alittle likeRussellwithWilt,orevenhowNatashaHenstridgehuntedforamateinSpecies—thenbefriendedhimasawaytounderminehimcompetitively.YouknowwhatmomentkilledBarkley’schancetobeaPantheonguy?Game2ofthe1993FinalsinPhoenix.Heplayedas well as he possibly could (a 42–13 with 16-for-26 shooting), but Jordanexceeded him by tallying a 42–12–9 and destroying Dan Majerle down thestretch.YoucouldseeitwrittenonBarkley’sfaceashewalkedoffthecourt:Ican’tbeatthisguy.Andhecouldn’t.

That goes back to that aforementionedRussell-Jordan gene. Jordanwanted tovanquish and fueled himself by overreacting to every slight (real ormanufactured). Rick Pitino questioned the seriousness of his hamstring injuryduringthe’89Knicks-Bullsseries;Jordanmadethempay.105

TheMagicknockedanout-of-NBA-shapeJordanoutofthe’95Playoffs;Jordanmade them pay. Malone lobbied for the 1997 MVP; Jordan made Utah pay.That’sjusthowitwent.WhenBullsGMJerryKrause—someonewhomJordanopenlydetested106—glowinglycourtedEuropeanstarToniKukoc,JordanandPippen wrecked Kukoc in the ’92 Olympics with particular fury. Before the1989draft,itbotheredJordanthatKrausehadbecomeinfatuatedwithMajerle’spotential,sohetorchedThunderDaninthe’93Finalsandscreamed“Fuckyou,Majerle!”astheBullscelebratedrightafterPhoenix’sfinalmissinGame6.DidMajerledoanythingtohim?Ofcoursenot.Jordanjustconvincedhimselfthathedid.That’showthemanthought.

Thetwodefining“Jordanwassecretlyahypercompetitivelunatic”stories:

Story no. 1: It’s Game 1 of the 1992 NBA Finals and the painfully forced“DrexlerorJordan?”

storyline (page396) is in full swing,aswellasPortland’s“we’regonnamakethembeatusbyshootingthrees”planthattheywerestupidenoughtomentiontothe press. Clyde Drexler is about to get athletically sodomized by Jordan onnationaltelevision.Wejustdon’tknowityet.Portlandjumpsouttoa17–9leadwith six minutes remaining. Chicago’s crowd can’t get into it. Portland isrunningthefloorandgainingconfidence.Here’stheCliff’sNotesversionofthenext17minutesofgametime:MJ3…MJ2+1…MJ3…MJ3…MJ2…MJ 2 (first quarter ends: 33–30, Blazers, Jordan has 18 and sits down for abreather)…MJcomesbackin(45–44,Chicago)…MJ

2…MJ3…MJ steal +2…MJ2…MJ3…MJ follow-up dunk for 2…awkwardDrexler air ball 3…MJ3+ shrug107… thirdPortland time-outofquarter…Chicago66,Portland49.Jordanscored33points in17minutes,35forthehalf,outscoredDrexlerby27,andbroketherecordforplayoffthreesinonehalf.Thisactuallyhappened.

Storyno.2:Jordan’sopponentslearnedtoleavehimalonebythemid-nineties,leadingtoaphenomenonunlikeanythingelsewe’vewitnessedbeforeorsince:

Michael became basketball’s version of a sleeping tiger. In a league full ofsmack-talkers,chest-thumpersandyappers, incredibly,heremainedcompletelyoff-limits. This was just understood. Implicitly. Even during the summer of2001,whenJordanwasrunningtheWizardsbutreportedlymullingacomeback,a slew of NBA teams voyaged to Los Angeles to watch a few Californiaprospectsworkout.Jordanwasthere.SowasL.A.nativePaulPierce,whospentalittletimewithJordanbecauseofhisfriendshipwithChicagonative(andthen-Pierce teammate)AntoineWalker.Atsomepoint,Piercestarted talkingsmacktoMJ. You better not come back. This is our league now.We don’t want toembarrass you. That kind of stuff. Jordan nodded happily with one of those“Okay,okay,justwait”faces,finallysaying,“When’sourfirstgameagainstyouguys?I’mgonnamakeitapointtodrop40onyou.”YoucouldalmostimagineJordanpullingoutapieceofpaperandaddingPierce’snametothelistofGuysWhose Butts Need to Be Kicked. Of course, Pierce’s coach at the time (JimO’Brien) overheard the running exchange and quickly pulled Pierce away,imploring his star,“Never talk to him.You hearme?That’s the one guy youdon’t talksmackto!”AndthiswaswhenJordanhadbeenretiredfor threefullyears. Three! Even then, at thirty-nine years old, a current NBA coachconsideredhimaviablethreatandsomeonewhoshouldn’tbeangeredunderanycircumstances.Wakemeupwhenthishappensagaininmylifetime.

Reason no. 3: command of the room.As Imentioned in David Robinson’ssection (page 456): Manute, Bird, Robinson and Jordan were the MountRushmoreofgreatentrancesintheNancyParishMemorialTunnel.JordanwasawalkingE.F.Huttoncommercial.Rememberthosedopeyadswhensomebodysaid,“MybrokerisE.F.Huttonandhesays…”andeveryoneelseintheroomsuddenly shut up and leaned in to hear? That wasMJ. Seeing him unhingedpeople like Beatles fans in the mid-sixties. Jordan possessed what a BostonwriternamedGeorgeFrazieroncedubbedduende:acharisma,anEastwoodianswagger,asenseofself-importancethatcan’tbedefined.Heswalloweduptheroomevenif16,000peoplewereinit.AssoonasJordanenteredthebuilding,nobody else mattered. The way people’s expressions instantly changed, thesounds theymade… those littlemoments leave an imprint even fifteen yearslater.

Those reactions didn’t changewhen he stopped playing basketball.At a partyduringthe2006

All-StarWeekendinHouston,CelticshonchoRichGothamandIweresmokingstogiesonanot-so-crowdedcigarpatioandensuringbadbreathfor therestofthe night.Out of nowhere,CharlesOakley sauntered through the doorway108followedbyahumantornadowithJordanandhisposseattheepicenter.Here’swhat happens whenMJ enters a room: it immediately becomes an entouragescene.Nomatter how you felt about the party leading up to themoment, theparty jumps from (fill in whatever grade) to a solid A+. LikeMJ’s presencevalidatestheentirenight.SoJordanambledin,glancedaround,puffedonacigarfor a few seconds, then traded a few barbs with Oak while pretending thereweren’t twenty-five people packed around him snapping cell phone pictures.Ninety seconds later, they’dhad enough.Time for a new room. Just like that,theyweregoneandthepatiowasmellowagain.AsRichsaidlater,itwaslikea“gust of wind.” MJ was the gust; everyone else was the twigs, leaves, andbranchesflyingaround.

Whenheplayed,youhadalittlemoretimetoprepareforthatgust.Youlookedaroundfifteenminutesbeforegametimeandrealizedthat75percentofthefanshad already arrived; it sounded like the crowd before a Springsteen concertwaitingforthatmomentwhenthelightsturnoff.Everymalepatronwithgoodseatshadaglazed,giddy,“I’mimportantbecauseI’mattending this importantgame”glow.Everyfemalepatron looked likeshe’dspentanextra tenminutesgetting ready.Every little kid looked like hewas ready to spontaneously self-combust. Wide-eyed teenagers stood in the first few rows, rocking back andforth, holding pens, pathetically desperate, praying against billion-to-one oddsthatMJwouldinexplicablyleavethelayupline,vaultthepresstableandglideintothestandstosignautographs.AssoonasJordanmadehisgrandentrance,hestoppedtheplacecold.Everyeyeshiftedtohim.Fansstartedmakingstrangesounds. Squeals and criesmixedwith appreciative applause, and then a slow-developing roar emerged, almost like a chain reaction: “hhh-hhrrrrrrrHHHRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” MJ was in the house. And it’snotliketheenergyfadedfromthere.Whenhemettheofficialsbeforethegame,theyoversoldhis jokesand looked likewaitersworkingacustomerforahugetip.Whenhedispensedadvicetoateammate,theotherguynoddedintentlylikesome life-altering secret was being revealed. When he strolled toward the

scorer’stablefortheopeningtap,everyconversationinthefirstfewrowscameto a screeching halt.When he stood on the free throw line for the first time,thousandsofcameraflashesclickedtocapture themomentforposterity.IsawMichaelJordanplay.Hereheisshootingfreethrows.Peoplewillbeimpressedbythissomeday.That’showyoufelt.

The moment always felt bigger than you or me, as did the ongoing thrill ofwitnessingavintageMJ

performanceandappreciatingall the little things thatmadehimhim.Heneverslackedandalwaysgaveacrap.Physically,hecontrolledhimselfwithagracethatnobodyelsequitehad.Technically, hewasperfect in everyway—perfectphysique, perfect running style, perfect defensive technique, perfect footwork,perfectshootingform—whichalwaysmadeitseemwrongifhedribbledaballoffhisfootorthrewapassoutofbounds.Spiritually,histeammatesreactedtohim the sameway sitcomkids react toDadwhenhecomeshome fromwork:everyonekillingthemselvestopleasehimandhangingonhiseveryword.Thelittlethingsstoodoutmorethanthedunksandthebreathtakingdrives.ThelasttimeJordanplayedinBostonasaBull(December1997),theywerewipingoutayoungCelticsteamandMJseemedboredbythewholething.Thatwasalwaysthe best time to watch Jordan in person, when he was searching for dumbchallengestokeepfromcoasting.AssoonasJordanandWalkerstartedtalkingtrash, I remember nudging a buddy and telling him, “Watch this, something’sgonnahappen.”WefollowedJordanandWalkerastheyjoggedbackandforthandkeptarunningdialoguegoing.AfteraBostonfoul,WalkerandJordanlinedupnexttoeachotherontherightsideofthefreethrowline.Walkerhadinsideposition; Jordan stood to his left and kept talking smack. Walker made themistake of jawing back. Never a good idea. I remember telling my buddy,“Watch this—Jordan’s telling ’Twan he’s gonna beat him inside and get therebound. Watch this. Just wait.” Sure enough, as his teammate prepared tolaunch the second free throw, Jordan’s arms started swaying with his mouthmoving the entire time. Walker’s body tensed. The ball went up and MJsomehowleapfroggedpastWalker,grabbedthereboundandjumpedbackupforalayupinonemotion.

WhofouledJordanfrombehindtopreventthelayup?AntoineWalker.

WewatchedMichael strutandgigglehisway to thecharity stripe, thoroughlypleasedwithhimself,likehe’djustfounda$100billontheground.WewatchedWalker’sheadhanglikethatofalittlekidwho’djustbeenscoldedbyaparent.Wewatched the JumboTron show a closeup of Jordan lining up his first foulshot,anenormousgrinspreadacrosshisface.Hisnighthadbeenmade.Sohadours.Butthat’swhatmakesmelaughwheneverIhearguyslikeWade,Jordanand LeBron compared to him. Nobody had moments like the one I justdescribed.Theymightbeclosephysicallyorathletically,but in the“commandof the room” sense? No. No way. Not close. Even during Jordan’s injury-plaguedcomebackwithWashington,109therewasonemomentduringhisfirstBoston return in 2001when Jordan drained a crunch-time jumper and lookedlikehemightbeheatingup.Hespunaroundandhoppedbacktotheotherendofthecourt,runningwiththatdistinctivegaitinwhichhiselbowsswungbackandforthlikesomeoneusingaNordicTrack.Withthecrowdroaring—welovedtheCeltics, but really, even the slim possibility of witnessing an ESPN Classicthrowbackperformance trumped everything—Jordanglancedover to everyoneinmy section atmidcourt, his eyebrows raised, and unleashed a defiant grin.And hemelted us. He fuckingmelted us. Imagine a busty senior cheerleaderwinkingataschoolbusfilledwithninth-gradeboys,triplethereaction,andthatwas us.We spent the next twenty seconds buzzing and nudging each other. Idon’t even rememberwhowon the game. I really don’t.All I rememberwasthis: MJ was back, MJ was on his game, MJ was feeling it … and thepossibilitieswereendless.Somepeoplearejustlargerthanlife.

IwillbelieveLeBronhasreachedMJstatusassoonasheownseverysetofeyesina17,000-seatarenaforthreestraighthours,andassoonashecanliquidateanentiresectionwithonesmile.Andnotamomentbefore.

Reasonno.4:theJordanmystique.I’mretellingthisstoryinthepresenttensebecause,asfarasI’mconcerned, itstill feels likeithappenedthreehoursago.Comebackwithmetothatsame2006

All-Star Weekend in Houston. I am drinking Bloody Marys on a SaturdayafternoonwithmybuddySullyandhisBostoncrew.We’redebatingasecondroundwhenOakleysauntersintothebar—andthat’stherightword,becausethedudesaunters—withthreeladyfriends,eventuallysettlingatthetablerightnexttous.Oakleyordersaroundofshotsforhistableandamartiniforhimself.Wequickly order a second round for ourselves. Imean,where else canyoudrinkfivefeetawayfromthereal-lifeShaft?110

Twenty minutes later, Jordan shows up with two friends and stops the roomcold.At first, it seems like he’s just saying hello; thenwe realize he’s sittingdown.Hisfriendsmovehimintotheinsidebooth,thenblockhimwithchairsonbothsidessonobodycanbotherhim.(Likemy“ChairArmada”strategyinstripjoints, asmentioned on page 258.)Oakley ordersmore drinks;we order foodand drinks for our table. For all we know, we’re staying all afternoon andevening.Peoplestreamovertosayhello,paytributetoJordan,kisshisring…he’s like the real-lifeMichael Corleone (with Oakley as Luca Brasi). At onepoint, agent David Falk sits about thirty feet away, patiently waiting for aninvite,finallygivingupandcomingovertosayhello.(FalkasksMJ,

“Howlatedidyoustayoutlastnight?”followedbyMJcasuallysaying“Seven-thirty,” as we nod admiringly)111 The drinks keeps coming and coming.OccasionallyOakleystandsupandsauntersaround just to stretchhis legsandlookcoolwhileImakecommentslike,“IwishyoucouldrentOakforparties.”Atonepoint,Oakthinksaboutorderingfood,standsup,looksoveratallofuseating,noticesourfriendRich’scheeseburger,asksifit’sacheeseburger,asksifit’s good, keeps glancing at it, keeps glancing at it… and I swear, we’re allwaitingforOaktosaythewords,“Oakwantsyourcheeseburger,andhewantsitnow.”Buthedoesn’t.Heendsuporderingonehimself.Toobad.112

Two solid hours pass. Everyone at Jordan’s table finishes eating. The cigarscome out. And I’m sitting there whispering, “There’s no way that the cardsaren’tcomingoutsoon.It’simpossible.MJhasneversatthislonginoneplacewithout the cards coming out. Theman has a competitive disorder. The cardswillcomeout.Thecardswilldefinitelycomeout.”

Almostoncue,thecardsemerge.TheystartplayingagamecalledBidWist,aformofspadesthat’spopularamongNBAplayers.113OakleyandMJteamupagainst two of their friends and Jordan comes alive. Of course he does. Wewitnesshislegendarycompetitivestreakinaction:he’strash-talkingnonstopina deep voice, snickering sarcastically, cackling with every good card, evenbadgering one opponent to the point that the guy seems like a threat to startcryinglikeoneofJoePesci’sminionsinGood-fellas.Thisisn’tCorporateMJ,theoneyouandIknow.ThisisUrbanMJ,theonethatcomesoutfortheBlackSuper Bowl, 114 the one that made an entire league cower for most of thenineties.Itfinallymakessense.

AndI’msittingtheredying.Iknow,Iknow…Ilovecardsandhaveagamblingproblem. Butwhat wouldmake for a greater story than Sully andme callingwinners againstOak andMJ? (Even if there isn’t a chance in hell, it’s fun toimagineandIhaveaboutseventeenBloodyMarysinmeat thatpoint.Cutmesome slack.)Meanwhile, the day keeps getting stranger and stranger. Aroundsix,ShaquilleO’Nealshowsupwithhisposse,wearingathree-piecesuitwithavest thatcausesMJ to joke,“I’mgladyou’re livingup to the responsibilityofthedresscode.”Everyonelaughsalittletooloudly,becausethat’swhatyoudowhenMichaelJordanmakesajoke:youlaughyourfuckingassoff.Alittlebitlater, anNBAassistant coach shows upwearing a red sweatshirtwith a giantJordanlogoonit.(Whoelserunsintoafriendrandomlywearingtheirclothingline?)MJ

keeps getting louder and louder, and he and Oakley are cleaning up, andeveryone in thebar iswatching themwhile pretendingnot towatch, and thensuddenly…

MJ’swifeshowsup.

Uh-oh.

Everyonemakesroomforher.Shesitsdownrightnext tohim.PoorMJlookslikesomebodywhotookano-hitterintotheninth,thengaveupatripleofftheleft-fieldwall.Thetrash-talkingstops.Heslumpsinhisseatlikealittlekid.Thecigargoesout.Nomorehangin’withtheboys.Timetobeahusbandagain.115Watching thewhole thing unfold, I lean over toSully and say, “Look at that,he’sjustlikeus.”

Andhe is. Justyouraverageguygettingderailedbyhiswife.Foronce inmylife,Idon’twanttobelikeMike.

ThatstoryhappenedmorethanthreeyearsagoandIcanstillrememberwhereeveryonewas sitting.Which brings us back to the Jordanmystique. He’s theonly celebrity who pulls that story off from beginning to end. His force ofpersonalitywasthatgreat.Soyeah,LeBronmightapproachhimsomeday,andifnot him, someone else. You will instinctively want to pass the torch to thatperson.That’s just theway this stuffworks.Again,we alwayswant theNextOnetobegreaterthantheLastOne,andit’simpossiblefortheLastOnetokeepdefendingthe titleoncememoriesstart fading.Justremember thatSuperstarXcan’tpass Jordan solelybyputtingup tripledoubles,breaking scoring recordsand winning multiple titles. They have to beat a force of personality thatcompares to presidents and tycoons. They have to surpass a competitivenessbetter suited for a dictator. They have to keep peakingwell afterwe believedthey could keep peaking.They have to remain the coolest person in the roomlongafterthere’sanytangiblereasonforthemtoholdthattitle.Andtheyhavetopull off stories with endings like, “Look at that, he’s just like us.” MichaelJordan was the greatest basketball player of all time, as well as the mostmemorable,andmaybeyouneedtobeboth.

1. Honorable mention suggestions from my friends: Kim Kardashian, VerneTroyer, Miss Elizabeth, Fluff the Caddy, Kevin Federline, Stuttering John,Gallagher,MichaelMyers, Gary Coleman, DirkDiggler, Buddy Ryan, CarrotTop, J. J. Redick, Spencer and Heidi, Steven Seagal, Red from Shawshank,

Shannon Elizabeth, Trig and Bristol Palin, ShannonWhirry, Jon Hein, BruceBuffer,AdrienneBarbeau,Willard Scott,Morganna,AndrewDiceClay, John“Motor Mouth” Moschitta, Little Oral Annie, Vanilla Ice, Jerome from TheTime,BruceVilanch,Cytherea,Kobayashi,HurleyfromLostandJeffreyRoss,whoarguablycouldhavemade the top-12 fordominatingcelebrity roastsMJ-styleinthe2000s.Unfortunately,itdidn’ttranslateintofinancialsuccessorevenasitcomdeal.AlthoughhealteredmylifeinasmallwaybysayingaboutPennyMarshall, “I wouldn’t fuck her with Bea Arthur’s dick”… with Bea Arthursitting right there.Thirdmostunderratedmomentof thenewmilleniuminmyopinion, just behind pilot Sully landing on the Hudson River and PresidentDubyathrowingastrikewithabulletproofvestrightbeforeGame3ofthe’01WorldSeries.Bytheway,ParisHiltonmissedtheBufferListbecauseshedidn’tevenhaveasinglegimmick.Althoughmaybethatwashergimmick—nothavingagimmick.Crap,Ineedtothinkaboutthissomemore.

2. InGiantSteps, aka “TheRevisionistHistoryofMyCareer,”KareemnevermentionedMoses.Notonce.IfMoses-KareemwasaGoodWillHuntingscene,MoseswasWillandKareemwastheponytailedHarvarddouche.Hey,Kareem,doyoulikeapples?Shit,Iusedthatonealready?Thisbookneedstoendsoon.

3.Watching youngMoses is like seeingVinceVaughn in Swingers—he’s somuch skinnier that it’s completely disconcerting and you can’t stop thinkingaboutit.4.Whydoesn’tanyoneelseusethistrick?Idon’tknow.MaybehewasanAssAttacksavant.5.In1982,HoustonGMRayPattersonsaid,“Therehavebeen only four dominant players: Wilt, Russell, Abdul-Jabbar, and Mo.” (IwouldhavethrowninWalterDukesforhislegendaryB.O.,butwhatever.)AndPattersonsaidthatafterhetradedhim;theRocketsdidn’thaveachoicebecausePhillyhadsignedMosestoa$13.2millionoffersheet.

6.Anotherthinginhisfavor:hehadoneofthebestathletenamesever.Ifyouwerewritingamovieaboutthefirstplayertojumpfromhighschooltothepros,wouldn’t you give him a name likeMosesMalone? Everything crestedwhenNike released their “Moses” poster with Malone dressed like the religiousMoses,onlywithNBAshortsandabasketball.It’sproudlyframedinmyoffice.As is Nike’s “Supreme Court” poster with eleven early-eighties NBA starsdressedlikeSupremeCourtjustices(includingArtisGilmorestandingdefiantlyinthemiddle).Ikeeptellingyou:theeightieswerefantastic.

7.Thebestpartofthisanalogy:Northwasthemasterofthemoneyshot;Shaq

was themaster of themonster “don’t try to dunk this or Iwill put your armsthroughthehoopwiththeball”dunk.Bothmoveslefttheiropponentswincing,recoiling backward in fear and then needing two or three seconds to recover.Andpossiblyatowel.

8.Wealsomadehima“6thman”for2otheryearswherenobodywasallowedto draft him as a center. Any time fantasy leagues change their rules forsomeone, you know that person is good. 9. The crazy thing about Shaq’s FTshooting: he shoots them like line drives. Imagine you’re trying to throw arolled-uppieceofpaper into agarbagecan—instinctively,wouldyou throw itwith a Nowitzki-like arc, or would you whip it in a straight line at the can?You’dthrowitwiththearc.SowhywouldShaqwhipstraightlinedrivesattherim for fourteen consecutive years? Have we ever definitively answered thisquestion? And while we’re here, was it my imagination or did Shaq becomecross-eyedinclosegames?

10.Shaq’sscoring/reboundingaveragesintheFinals:28–12(’95),38–17(’00),33–16 (’01), 36–12 (’02), 27–11 (’04). In his first 19 NBA Finals games, heaveraged 34.2 PPG.He also averaged a 38–15 in the last 2 games of the ’02WesternFinals(bothmust-wins)anda25–18inthelast2gamesofthe’95Bullsseries.

11.In the’90s.Shaqmistakenly thoughthecouldactandrap.This led tohimplayingamagicalgenieinamoviecalledKazaam.Itwasn’tevenawfulinafunway;itwasjustawful.Withthatsaid,IabsolutelythinkheshouldtakeovertheleadroleofCSIwhenheretires.12.Through2009,Shaqhadearnedover$270million just in salary. That doesn’t include endorsements or businessopportunities.Andhediditdespitefrequentlyturningoffthebuttoninhisbrainthat toldhim, “You shouldbe livelyand interestingduring this interview, andyoudefinitelyshouldn’tmumbleyourwords.”

13.My single favorite Shaqism. The analogyworked and became eeriewhenyou consider the potential parallels between Sonny’s tollbooth execution andKobe’sbrushwithmoraldeathafterbeingaccusedofrape.Whoops,we’renotsupposedtodiscussthis.Mybad.14.Bytheway,MJdidn’tdothesethings.

15.Youcan’tplaythe“Wait,whydidn’tyougiveWiltthesameleewayhere?”cardforthisreason:Wiltneverknewwhatthehellhewanted.Hewasconstantlychanging his mind, his game, his goals, everything. He talked himself into

whateverrealitysuitedhimthemostat the time(orevenafterhewasfinishedplaying).Shaqneverdidthat.

16. One series never earned him enough credit: his demolition of Philly’sDikembe Mutombo in the ’01 Finals. Dikembe was considered the bestdefensivecenterofhisgenerationandShaqrolled throughhimfor44–20,28–20,30–12,34–14and29–13(despitemissing36FTs).17.Wecalledthisgame“JaiAlai.”Youcouldonlylose;youcouldn’twin.18.OfallthePyramidguys,Hakeem was the best example of Gladwell’sOutliers theory—someone whosucceededforreasonsthatwentwellbeyondpuretalent.HakeemspendingthesummerslearningfromMoseswaslikeBillGatesandPaulAllengoingtoahighschoolthatjusthappenedtohavethemostadvancedcomputerprogramminginthe country. 19. Grumpy Old Editor: “That’s a sentence worthy of MosesMalone.”Anditis.20.Thisonerankshighonthelistoftradesthatwereamajornewsstoryat the timebut seempositivelypedestriannow.At the time, itwasoneofthefivebiggestNBAtradesever.NobodythoughtitwasaredflagthatHoustonwasgettingguysnicknamed“Sleepy”and“BarelyCares.”

21. I’m almost positive this qualifies as criticizing your teammates. In hisdefense,Dream’sbestteammatesfrom1988to1992wereSleepy,Carroll,OtisThorpe, Buck Johnson, Vernon Maxwell, Kenny Smith and Mike Woodson.HakeemplayedwithoneAll-Starfrom’87through’95(Thorpein’92).

22.DreamhadsuchlittlecontroloverhistemperthanKupchakgoadedhimintoawildfightinGame5ofthe’86WestFinals(Sampsonwonitat thebuzzer).Shades of the dorkyFast Break backup gettingNevada State’s best player topunchhimbydropping ann- bomb.Okay,not really. I just hadn’t referencedFastBreakinawhile.

23.IfMcHalehadthePandaExpressmenu,thenHakeemwasIn-N-Out—onlyafewoptions,butallwereotherworldly.Thecompletelist:theup-and-under,thedouble clutch jumphook, the deadly fall-away, the deadly over-the-backboardfall-away;thefakefall-away,fakeupandunder,thestep-backjumper;andtheDream Shake (which can’t be described—it’s the equivalent of the AnimalBurger).MyMountRushmoreoffast-foodoptions:Chick-fil-A,Subway,PandaExpressandArby’s.In-N-Outwouldhavemadeitiftheirfriesdidn’tsuck.24.In Game 6 of the ’87 Playoffs (when Houston got knocked out by Seattle),HakeemnearlybeatSeattlebyhimselfbyslappingupa49–25.A49–25!What?

25. The complete list since ’74: Hakeem (12x), Robinson (7x), BenWallace(4x),JuliusErving(4x,allABA),Kareem(3x),Ewing(3x),BobbyJones(3x),Jordan(2x),JoshSmith(2x),AndreiKirilenko(2x),Pippen(1x).MJistheonlyguardonthelist.

26.The ’95Rocketswon the title despite never having home-court advantageandwinningtwodecidinggamesontheroad(UtahandPhoenix).Duringthosetwo title seasons, they won eight do-or-die games (four on the road) withHakeemaveraginga32–11–6.27.Abiggerdealthanyourealize.OnlyRussellandKareemwerethebestplayersonFinalsteamsatleast12yearsapart.Asfortheworstplayers,theunofficialrecordholderisWillPerdue(playedforFinalschampsnineyearsapart).

28.Andiftheydo,IhopetheystartwithPaulMokeski.

29.Oscarwrotethisbizarrebookhimself.Hespends331pagesrailingagainsteveryone, spinning stories his way and writing I-was-so-great things like “Iendedthenightwith43points,including21of22freethrows.NootherRoyalhadmorethan20.”(HiswayofexplainingCincy’sGame7

losstothe’63Celtics.)Ifinishedthebookandthought,“Nowthere’ssomeonewho didn’t totally get The Secret.” Even his defense of his excruciatingannouncingcareerisself-serving—apparentlyitwasCBS’faultfornotworkingwith him, BrentMusburger’s fault for not making him better and the NBA’sfaultfornotwantingablackannouncertosucceed.TheBigO’sbookexplainedalot.Let’sputitthatway.

30.Crap,IjustgaveDisneyacrappyideaforaformulaicsportsmovie.“ThinkRemember the Titans crossed with Glory Road crossed with MississippiBurning.IfwecangetJonHammastheCrispusAttuckscoach,wejustneedadirectorandwe’regoodtogo!”

31.Howmuchofaclosed-mindedassholedidyouhavetobetosaythewords“Oscar Robertson’s playing against us tonight—let’s rattle him by sticking ablack cat in his locker room”? Imean, the loserswho spend an hourmakinglamesignstoholdupduringgamesarebadenough,butimaginemakingaplanthatincludesquestionslike,“Whendoyouwanttostopbythepoundandpickup the black cat?” and “Should we throw it in there before the game or athalftime?Ontheshort listof theWorstSportsFansofAllTime, theblackcat

culprits rank up therewith theASU studentswho chanted “PLO” after SteveKerr’sfatherwasassassinatedinLebanon.Othercandidates:WhiteSoxfansonDiscoDemolitionNight;everyonewhowasmeantoJackieRobinsonorLarryDoby;WilliamLigueSr.andJr.;andthedudewhothrewbeeratRonArtestinDetroit.32.BillBradley’stakeonOscar:“Perhapshedoesn’tgivelesserplayersalargeenoughmarginoferror,butwhentheylistentohimhemakesAll-Starsof meager talents. He controls events on the court with aplomb and theauthoritarianhandofasymphonyconductor.”Soundslikeadelight!

33.IonlyfoundoneOscarstorythatmadehimseemsemilikable:InTallTales,it’srevealedOscarcalledrebounds“ballboards.”ThebookhasastoryinwhichOscar’sexcitedaboutplayingwithsomeyoungteammate,scrimmageswiththeguy,getsdisappointed,andfinallyscreamsathim,

“Man,getoutofhere—youcan’tgrabmenoballboards!”Andeventhatstorywas angry. Do you think it’s a coincidence that one of the Sesame StreetmuppetswasnamedOscartheGrouch?.34.Whentheguyrunningyouroffenseaverages1,700FGattempts and900FTattempts fornine solidyears, andhisteamfinishes2–6inplayoffseriesoverthatstretch,haven’twereestablishedthepremisethatyoucan’tseriouslycontendifyourPGdoublesasyourtopscoringoption?It’snoaccidentthatOscarfinishedwiththefollowingtotalsonthe’71Bucks:19–6–8,1193FGA,385

FTA(regularseason);18–5–9,210FGA,59FTA(14playoffgames).

35.BorrowingapremisefromElliottKalb,Oscar’sPT/REB/ASSaveragesfromhisfirst5seasons(30.3,10.4,10.6)surpassthebestpossibleone-of-the-first5-years in each category fromBird (’84:24.2, 10.1, 6.6);Magic (’82:18.6, 9.6,9.5);LeBron(’08:30.0,7.9,7.2);Bryant(’01:28.5,5.9,5.0);andnearlyWest(’62:30.8,7.9,5.4).

36. I nominate Bucky Bockhorn as the whitest name in the history ofprofessionalsports.IpictureaflattoppedBuckyBockhornchain-smokingduringhalftimewhiledrinkingaglassofwholemilk.37.Sincetheleaguegrewfrom17percentblackto75percentblackfrom1960to1977,andthatpercentagestayedconsistent ever since, only a fool would argue that a “modern” black playerdidn’thaveanenormousadvantage.EvenWaltBellamykickedassforacoupleofseasons.AskyourselfwhatwouldhappentotheNBAin2009if55percentofthe league suddenly transformed from black to white. A question that Adam

MorrisonandJ.J.Redickaskthemselvesoften.AndImeanoften.

38.Westpeakedstatisticallyinyeartenwitha31–5–8and50%FG,then31–4–8in18playoffgames.

39. Grumpy Old Editor: “So true—watching any single game was doublyfrustrating.Heneverraisedhisgametothespectacularmoment,ever,andyetattheendofthegame,therewerethosemaddeningstatsintheboxscore.”

40.Thisanalogyworksbetterthanyouthink:’89Magicwasthesameageas’68Oscar,althoughhissexlifewasinfinitelymoreexciting.

41.Thisfascinatesme.CousyplayedonsixchampsandunderstoodTheSecretas well as everyone, but he decided it made sense to trade Oscar for FlynnRobinson and Charlie Paulk after the Knicks and Lakers turned down everyoverture. SaidCousy after the trade, “Two superstars don’t alwaysmesh.TheonusisonOscar.IfhedecidestoadjusttoAlcindor,hecouldbeterrific.”

Even thoughOscar adjusted, doesn’t it worry you that Cousywondered if hecould?Bytheway,Paulklastedtwoyears.There’sareasonCousybecameanannouncer.42. JabaalAbdul-Simmonscounters,“Ofcourse theNBAmodeledtheLogoafterawhiteman!”

43.Jabaalcounters,“OfcourseSIsaidthewhitemanwasjustasgood!”

44. Interesting note that may or may not have been racially motivated:Westearned two laudatorySImegafeaturesduringhiscareer (one inMarch’65, theotherinFebruary’72).TheyneverwroteoneaboutOscar.Maybethat’sbecausethey thought he was a prick. But isn’t it weird that “Jordan before Jordan”couldn’tearnasingleSIfeatureduringhisapexwhenWest,Russell,CousyandWiltearnedatleasttwoeach?

45.IlikethedayswhentheNBAheld“(FillintheStar)Night,”gavethemgiftsandbroughtinpeerstopaytributetothoseguys,onlythestarwasstillplaying.CanyouimagineifateamlikeSanAntonioheldTimDuncanNightifhewasn’tretired?HowmortifiedwouldDuncanbeonascaleof1to10?15?22?27?

46.An81-inchwingspan?JayBilasjusthosedhimselfdown.

47. LennyWilkens inTall Tales: “I wish they had kept track of steals when

JerryandIplayedbecausewewouldhavebeentheleagueleaders.Hehadhandsthatwereasquickasasnake’stongue.”Westonlyplayedtwomonthsofthe’74seasonbeforeblowingouthisknee(endinghiscareer),butinthose31games,hehad81steals.Andthatwasatthetailendofhisbasketballlife!

ImagineWest’s resume ifhewasaveraging3 steals agame,made3 three’sagame,shot40-plusfromthreeandmade13first-teamAll-Defenses.

48.RedAuerbachinTallTales:“Whatpeopledon’trealizeisthatJerryWestisoneofthegreatestdefensiveguardsever.”Hefailedtoadd,“MyonlyregretisthatIneverhadachancetocoachhim!”ThatwasaRedstapleforeveryretirednumberceremonyfrom1980to2007;itwasmorereliablethanMichaelBufferscreaming, “Let’s get ready to rummmmm-mble!” That’s right, two Bufferfootnotes in thePantheon.Andyouknowwhat?Wemightgofor three.Don’tputitpastme.

49. Even his postplaying career helps theWest vs. Oscar argument—nobodywantedtohireOscar,butWestbuilteighttitleteamsintwodistinctlydifferenteras (Shaq/Kobe andMagic/Kareem).He’s the only top 20 Pyramid guywhothrived inbasketballafterhiscareerended.Does thismeanhewasashrewderplayer than everyone realized, or was his success running the Lakers just acompletecoincidence?Igowiththeformer.

50.Blamemeforthis.IbrokeplanstowatchthelotterywithDad,choosingtomonitor the proceedings at the Cape Cod house of a girlfriend my friendsreferredtoonlyas“theLunatic.”

Needlesstosay,wedidn’tmakeittoolong.Butevenasthetripwasunfolding,Ithoughttomyself,

“Thisisthewrongmove.I’msellingDaddowntheriver.Idon’tevenlikethisgirlthatmuch.”ButIcouldn’tstopmyself.TheC’sendedupwiththethirdandsixthpicks.Isetthefranchisebackfiveyears.Again,Iblameme.

51. Beyond the usual “smartest player” instincts, Duncan had a knack forpickinghisspotsandsensingexactlywhenhisteamneededhimtotakeover.Ifthey needed a 34–22 fromTD in amust-win playoff game, he did it. If theyneededan18-pointfourthquarterfromTD,hedidit.Iftheyonlyneededhimtodo dirty work, protect the rim, draw double teams for other guys and makeeveryone elsebetter, hedid it.He could adapt to anygameand any situation.

That’swhatseparatedhimfromKG.

52.ItstruckmeasI’mwritingthis—Idon’tevenknowifDuncanhasawifeandkids.Or anythingabouthim.He’soneof thoseguyswhocouldpopup inUsWeekly dating some one like EvaMendes and you’d be thoroughly confused,onlyyouwouldn’tbeabletofigureoutwhy.53.BruceBowen,AntonioDaniels,rookieTonyParker,MalikRose,DannyFerry,CharlesSmith,apast-his-primeDavidRobinson,apretty-much-past-his-primeSteveSmithandapast-his-being-past-his-primeTerryPorter.AndeveryoneclaimedKGdidn’thavehelp?

54.ThatLakersserieswastiedat2–2whenDuncanputupa64–30inthenexttwowins(16for25

inthe29-pointblowoutthatclinchedit).Shaqhada51–22inthosegames.Also,Duncan’s’03

postseasonhadthehighestwinshareratingever:5.98.I’dbemoreexcitedifIknewwhatthismeans.

55.Duncannever receivedenoughcredit here: afterplaying275of apossible289gamesthepreviousthreeyears,hesuckeditupandrepresentedhiscountrywhileKGpassed.Why?BecauseKGwastiredfrommakingitpastthesecondroundforthefirsttime.ButKGisthe“warrior”?

Really?Wait,whydoIkeeprippingaCeltic?

56.Inmyannual“WhohasthehighestNBAtradevalue?”columngimmickthatstartedonmyoldwebsitein2001andcontinuedatESPN,Duncanfinishedno.2,no.2,no.3,no.1,no.2,no.1,no.3,no.3,andno.4.Through2008,SanAntonio finished 615–265 with him during the regular season, 91–57 in thePlayoffs,wonfourtitlesandfinished4–0intheFinals.Nowthat’sconsistency.

57.GrumpyOldEditor’s grizzled take: “Noone coastedmore, ever, not evenEddy Curry. Wilt coasted during so many seasons that he should have beennamedanhonorarymemberofthegagpopgroupTheCoasters.PuttingWiltinthePantheon?Ithoughtyouwerearadical.”

58.PleasecheckoutanyofChuck’sbooks.He’stheonlysportsatheistIknow—lovessports, loves followingsports,doesn’t root forspecific teams.Hadweknowneachotherincollege,weeitherwouldhavebeenbestfriendsorfoughtto

thedeath.Ormaybeboth.59.Chuck’sfootnote:“Yes,yes—Irealizereboundswere‘easiertocomeby’inthepre-modernera.Everybodyconcedesthat.Butitdoesn’tmatter:IfyoudivideChamberlain’slifetimeboardnumbersinhalf,thequotient (11.45) is still competitive with the full career averages for Barkley,Moses,andShaq.Or thinkabout it thisway:IfChamberlainhadneverplayedduringthesecondhalfofanygameinhisentirecareer,hewouldstillhaveeightmorecareerreboundsthanDennisRodman.”

60.Forgottomention:IthoughtofChuckforadissentingWiltopinionbecausehe’stheonlyotherpersonIknowwhoreadWilt’s1973autobiography.Ithinkweevenexchanged“WhataboutthatstewardessblowingWilt!”emails.Dotheyhave lifetime achievement Pulitzers? I really think the committee needs toreexamineWilt’sbodyofwork.

61.Didyouever try tocomeupwith thedumbestparallel for theBird-Magicrivalry?Ilikethisone:thetwoShannons(WhirryandTweed)weretheBirdandMagic of Cine-max. From 1992 to 1995, Whirry starred in Animal Instincts,Bodyof Influence,Lady inWaiting,FatalPursuit,Animal Instincts II,PrivateObsession,Playback andDangerousPrey,whileTweedcarried, from1992 to1996,NightEyesII,NightEyesIII,IndecentBehavior,TheNakedTruth,ColdSweat, Possessed by the Night, Indecent Behavior II, Night Fire, Hard Vice,IndecentBehaviorIII,Hotline,BodyChemistry4,Electra,TheDarkDancerandScorned (probably her epic). What a stretch! And it happened right beforeInternetporntookoff.Justlikewe’llneverseeanotherBirdandMagic,wewillneverseeanythinglikethetwoShannons.

62.ItwasjusttooeasytocracktheLegendsClubpreexpansion:Wiltputupa7and three 9’s, Oscar/Elgin did it multiple times, and even the likes of NeilJohnstonandDolphSchayesmadeit.63.ConsideringBirdandMagicbecamegood friends, isn’t it conceivable—repeat: conceivable—that they’d becometeammates once in their waning years? Imagine them offering Orlando apackagedealfor1994–95:signusforoneyear.HowfastdoesOrlandosayyes,0.09

seconds?Howweirdwould ithavebeen tohaveMagicon theMagic,orBirdwearing that goofy blackOrlando uniform and throwing alley-oops for Shaq?And what ifMJ returned from his basketball sabbatical for the ’95 playoffs?Bird,Magic,andMJinoneseries?Also,I’dbewearingastraitjacketrightnow.

64. The complete list of all-O/no-D small forwards from 1980–88: Dantley,English, Dominique, Aguirre, Kiki Vandeweghe, John Drew, Tripucka,Chambers, Walter Davis, Scott Wedman, Bernard King, Albert King, JayVincent, Purvis Short, Jamaal Wilkes, Thurl Bailey, Marques Johnson, MikeMitchell,OrlandoWoolridge,DaleEllis,EddieJohnson…andyes,Docpost-1983.Asurprisinglylargegroupfora21-teamleague.

65.WhenSmithstruggledasaCelticsrookie,Bostonfansquicklyarrivedatthesameconclusion:

“There’snoooooooooway thisguycanmake it.”Hedid leaveone legacy:HewasthesinglegreatestH-O-R-S-EplayerinthehistoryoftheCeltics.NotevenBird could beat him. 66. The Best Porn Name All-Stars: Dick Pound, PeteLaCock,KenBone,MistyHyman,BenGay,MagicJohnson,RichHarden,DickTrickle,RustyKuntz,Billy“theWhopper”Paultz,ButchHuskey,Randy“BigUnit” Johnson, Hot Rod Williams, Dick Pole and Wayne Chism, with MoCheeksandDickHarterascoaches.

67.Magic(’79)andIsiah(’81)weren’tjustthefirsttwomentokisseachotherinprimetime;theywerethefirstunderclassmentogetpickedfirstintheNBAdraft;from1946to1992,onlythreeothers(ChrisWashburn,ChrisJacksonandKennyAnderson)werepickedinthetop5.68.KudostomeforusingMagicandLongDongSilver inananalogy thathadnothing todowithsex. Icontinue toamazemyself.

69.Magic’sperformanceinadecidingGame3wasoneoftheworsteverbyaPyramidguy:hemissed12of14shots,brickedtwofreethrowsinthefinal30secondsandair-balledtheseries-decidingshot.

70.Duringthesametime,theDoobieBrothershadasimilarplatoongoingwithMichaelMcDonald and Patrick Simmons as their lead vocalists. Like Nixon,Simmonshadbeentherefirst

…andlikeMagic,McDonaldwasclearlymoretalentedandcapableofpushingthebandtoanotherlevel.MikeyMacleftforahugelysuccessfulsolocareer—twenty-five years later, he’s still cranking out albums and spitting all overmicrophones.Ishouldalsomentionthat(a)thewomanwhobrokehisheartandcaused “Minute byMinute,” “What aFoolBelieves” and “IKeepForgetting”musthavegivenhimthegreatestsexever,and(b)mybuddyBishandImadea

dunkvideoona9-footrimin1988settoMikeyMac’s“OurLove”thatwillendmycareerifiteverlandsonYouTube.

71.Anexcerpt:“CallingonMagic[intheclutch]islikeaskingBusbyBerkeleyto step in anddirect the climactic scene in an IngmarBergmanmovie.” Iwasjustthinkingthat!NobodyslammedoutawkwardpopculturereferenceslikeSIintheseventiesandeighties.72.Eddie:Sinatra;Magic:Dean;Arsenio:Sammy.Ialways thoughtTheBlackPackwouldbeagreatdocumentary: theywereontopoftheworldforfouryears,thenMagicgotHIV,Eddie’scareerwentinthetankandArseniohadfinancialproblems.Andthat’s just thestartof it. I’dsaymore,butmylegalteamjustelectroshockedme.

73.Somethingrarelymentionedhere—thecombinationofMagic’sHIV,WarrenBeatty getting old and Eddie Murphy left a huge void for Hollywood AlphaDogsgettinglaidbytheeliteoftheelite.ThenLeoDiCaprioandBenAffleckshowedup.Voidfilled!

74.GQ’sCharlie Pierce believed thatMagic and alter egoEarvin battled likeSuperman and Bizarro Superman. Earvin had a longtime girlfriend namedCookie;Magiccheatedonherrelentlessly.Earvinhadanillegitimateson;Magiccarriedonliketheboydidn’texist.EarvinwasashrewdinvestorwhotripledhisNBA incomeoff the court;Magicbehaved likea collegekidon springbreak.Post-HIVEarvin educated everyone about his virus; post-HIVMagic braggedabouthisearlier,wilderways.

75. The philosophy: If his one-night stand didn’t share his bed all night, theeventwassomehowokay.IwishIhadthoughtofthisruleincollege.Wait,whyamImakingfunofthis?Can’ttheSupremeCourtpassthisasalaw?

76.TheAll-DepressingComebackStartingFive:Cousy(re-activatedhimselfasCincy’s player-coach for seven painful games in ’68) and Jordan (Wizardsversion, 2001–3) at guard; Cowens (returned as a bench player for the ’83Bucks)andMagic(’96)atforward;Mikan(post-shot-clock,1956)atcenter;RedHolzman(’77Knicks)ascoach;andJerryWest(Grizzlies,2002–6)asGM.

77.The lowlighthappenedwhenHowardSternappearedasaguest, farted thesong“WipeOut,”

andmadeeveryinappropriateMagic-relatedjokepossible.Desperatetostemaratingsslide,anovermatchedMagichadtosmilethinlyandabsorbtheabuse.I

can’trememberatimewhenanothercelebritywashumiliatedthatpublicly,andfor that long, without CoreyHaim being involved. The show capsizedwithineightweeks,costingsyndicatorsmore than$10million.78.Outof respect forthe mission of this book, I will resist all urges to take potshots at my leastfavoriteNBAplayerforthenext3,000words.Youhavemyword.

79.Longestrunsofexcellence:Kareen,Nicklaus,MerylStreep,RicFlair,TheSimpsons,DonRickles,ClintEastwood,ShawnMichaels,JimMurray,ColonelSanders, Johnny Carson, Don King, Walter Cronkite, Nina Hartley, AnnieLeibovitz, Siegfried & Roy, Marv Albert, M&M’s, Martin Scorsese, JohnnyCash, Converse Chuck Taylors, Michael Buffer (three references in thePantheon!), Vin Scully, Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford, Peter North, RogerAngell, U2, composer John Williams, the Rolling Stones and the U.S.Constitution.80.The secret toKareem’s success: stretching.Kareemdidyogabefore anyone even knewwhat the hell yoga was. I’dmake the “yet anotherreasontohateyoga”jokeherebutpromisedyouapotshot-freezone.See?I’mamanofmyword.

81.Twocentersliedabouttheirheights:KareemandWalton,whoclaimedtobe6′11″whenhewasatleast7′2″.It’salwaysfunnywhenNBAplayerslieabouttheirheight—it’snotlikewecan’tsee,right?

82.Nobodywas a biggerwhiner thanKareem except RickBarry, but I gottadefendhimhere:opponentswereallowedto“bend”therulestodefendhim.InGiant Steps, Kareem mentioned that referee Richie Powers allowed DaveCowens to manhandle him and jump over his back for rebounds in the ’74Finals.ElliotKalb looked it up:PowersofficiatedGames1, 3, 5 and7of theseries…allMilwaukeedefeats.Hmmmmm.

83.LikeOscar,Kareemhadonetoomanyearlybrusheswithracismandneverreally recovered.Whenhishighschoolcoach tried tomotivatehimbyyellingthathewas“playinglikeanigger,”

Kareementeredwhathewouldcall later“mywhite-hatingperiod.”Canwhiteguyshaveawhite-hatingperiod?IthinkIhadonewhenIwaslittle.

84.KareemalsoappearedinafightsceneinBruceLee’s lastmovie(GameofDeath), aswell as episodes ofMannix,Emergency!,Man fromAtlantis, TalesfromtheDarkSide,21JumpStreetandDiff’rentStrokesonthelastofwhichhe

playedArnold’s substitute teacher,Mr.Wilkes.Couldn’t theyhavecalledhimMr.Kabbar?

85.NobodyremembersKareemaveraginga33–14with23blocksin5games,or that he stayed back in L.A. for treatment and didn’t even get to celebrateGame6withhis team.Thismightbe thebestFinalsMVPargumentever:Doyou rewardKareem for carryingL.A. to3wins,orMagic forplayingagamethatBobRyanlatercalledthebesthe’deverseeninperson?IvoteforKareembecauseGame6wasn’tamust-win—PhillystillhadtowinGame7inL.A.Notlikely.86.LuciusAllen“ran”Kareem’sBucks/Lakersteamsfrom’75thru’77;he was somediocre that Kareem actually led the ’75 Bucks in assists with apaltry263.

87. In Round 2, they beat a Warriors team that featured Rick Barry, GusWilliams, JamaalWilkes, Phil Smith and a center comboofCliffordRay androokieRobertParish.Kareemaveraged37

pointsfortheseriesanddroppeda36–26inGame7.

88. According to Elliott Kalb, Kareem outscoredWilt 201–70 in five regularseasongames in’72, then202–67insixplayoffsgames(althoughWilt’s teamwon the series). In Game 6, with Oscar only able to play 7 minutes with anabdominal strain,Kareemputupa37–25–8andWiltcounteredwitha22–24.Theyearbefore,WiltoutplayedKareemintheWesternFinalseventhoughtheLakersfellinfive.

89. Jerry West told SI in 1980, “Kareem is a player. A great, great, greatbasketballplayer.Mygoodness,hedoesmorethingsthananyonewhohaseverplayedthisgame.Wiltwasaforce.Hecouldtotallydominateagame.Takeit.Makeithis.PeoplehavethoughtthatKareemshouldbeabletodothattoo.No.Thatwouldnotmakehimaplayerofthisgame.”He’saplayer.Aplayer!

90.KareemhadAirplane andGameofDeath;WilthadConan theDestroyer,whichshouldbethefirstDVDreleaseifCriterionevermakesanUnintentionalComedyCollection.Wiltspendstheentiremovieridingaroundonahorseandtryingtoseemangry;eventhehorsewasabetteractorthanWilt.Henevermadeanothermovie.

91. I vote thatwe name this gene after them: “JordrussGene.” It’s a specificpatternofchromosomesuniquetothem.

92. Including playoff games andMJ’s 34 postbaseball games in ’95, that’s a632-game stretch over six-plus seasons. That’s not unfathomable—that’s defathomable.93.YoungMJwasdefinitelystat-obsessed.Duringthe’89season,Jordanbecamesoinfatuatedwithtripledoublesthathekeptaskingtheofficialscorer what he needed during games (two more assists, one more rebound,whatever).TheNBAfoundoutandtoldthescorerthathecouldn’tgivetheinfoout.SoundsalittleWilt-esque,no?

94. The list: 1957 (Game 7, triple OT); 1962 (Game 7, Philly plus Game 7,L.A.); 1963 (Game 7,Cincy); 1965 (Game 7, Philly); 1968 (Game 7, Philly);1969 (Games 4 and 7, L.A.). 95. Russell retired four months before Kareementered the NBA. Put it this way: from what we know about Russell’scompetitive fire, am I really supposed tobelieve thatRussdidn’twatcha fewUCLAgamesin’68and’69andthink,“Iamgettingold,it’stimetogetoutofDodgesoon”?

Bytheway,whydideveryonewanttoleaveDodgesobadly?WhatwasDodge?Did we ever figure this out? Did that saying start because someone laid ahorrendousfartinaDodgeDartinlike1965?

96.ThebiggestpieceKobewas/ismissing:hejustwasn’tthatcool.Forgetaboutbeingthecoolestguyintheroom;Kobewasn’teverthecoolestguyonhisteam.LikeA-Rod,Kobealwaysseemstobeplayingthepart…andyou’reeithercooloryou’renot.Thiswillmakesenseinafewmorepages.

97. The most famous of the stories: The time LaBradford Smith lit him up,strutted toomuch, and got outscored 47–0 byMJ the next night. This one isslightlyapocryphal:SmithoutscoredMJ37

to25onMarch19,1993.Thenextnight,apissed-offMJscored36byhalftimeandfinishedwitha47–8–8…butSmithdidscore15.Chicagowonbothgames.98.Aftergettingsweptbythe’91Bulls,DetroitassistantBrendanSuhrsaid,“Ithink[MJ]finallyrealizedthatoneplayercan’twinatthislevel,thatthefartheryouget in theplayoffs, teamscanalwaysstoponeman.He finally sees that.”Sure.Butyoucan’t“seeit”ifyourteammatessuck.99.Jordan’saveragesinhissixFinals:31–7–11,36–5–6,41–9–6,27–5–4,32–7–6,34–4–2.That’sfour42Clubappearances,bytheway.

100. TrueMJ facts: Scored 40-plus thirty-seven times in the ’87 season; first

withback-to-back50-pointPlayoffsgames(’88);bytheendofthe’91season,he had theNBA’s highest scoring average in the regular season, Playoffs andAll-Star Game (and still does); he scored 60-plus five times (once in theplayoffs) and 50-plus another thirty-four times (seven in playoffs); holds therecordforconsecutivegamesscoringdoublefigures(866);onlyplayertoscore20-pluspointsineveryFinalsgame(minimum:ten).

101. Well, unless Stern suspended him and told him to play baseball for 18months.Ididn’twanttospoilthestory.

102.Itcan’tbeforgottenthatJordanlefttheNBAfor21monthsandrebuilthisbodyforbaseball—strongerlegs,thickerphysique—didn’tplaycompetitivelyatall, then hopped right back into theNBA schedulewith fiveweeks to play inMarch’95,andwithinfivegames,he’dalreadymadeagame-winnerinAtlantaandscored55atMSG.

103.Here’showgreatJordanwas:forhissinglegreatestmoment,heblatantlycheated … and nobody gave a shit. If anything, we applauded him for hisingenuity. Imagine ifKobewontheNBAtitlewithashove like that.We’dbebitchingaboutitallsummer.Bytheway,IalwaysthoughtitwaspoeticthatMJpushedoffaguynamedRusselltoswishtheshotthatclinchedhisstatusasthebestever.

104.There’sanextendedmomentafter the ’88EasternFinalsendedwhenweseeMcHalegive inspired advice to Isiah, followedby Isiah thankinghimandslappinghishand.IrememberscreamingattheTV,“Whatthehell?Don’ttalktohim!Whatareyoudoing?”That’sjustthewayitworkedbackthen.

105. Pitino angered Jordanwith his comments afterGame 3.MJ’s next threegames: 47–11–6, 38–8–10, 40–5–10. Pitino signed with the University ofKentuckyafewweekslater.I’msureitwasacoincidence.

106. Jordan frequently razzed Krause for his slovenly looks and generallyunattractiveappearance,aswellasKrause’spenchantfortakingtoomuchcreditforthesuccessoftheJordanera.Andreally,MJwasright.SayingJerryKrausebuilt the six-time championChicagoBulls is like callingLord of the Rings aSeanAstinflick.

107. Ialways thoughtMagic’spresenceatcourtsideasanNBCannouncer (aswellasBird’sinevitableretirement)playedabigpartinthisgame:Forthefirst

time, the leaguebelongedtoJordanandJordanalone.Drexlerwas in theway.He had to bewiped out. And ifMagic got towitness it frommidcourt, evenbetter.

108.Thiswasabiggermomentthanitmightseem.See,Oakleyisthereal-lifeShaft. You know those bar fight scenes inRoad House when Swayze standsthere motionless, with just a thin smile on his face, as ten drunk guys arebrawling a few feet away?That’sOakley.You could hire extras to play gangmembersataparty,thenhavethemfireblanksateachothertenfeetawayfromOakleyandI’mnotsurehe’dflinch.MyfavoriteOakleyfact:heservedasMJ’senforcerinChicago,nowthey’rebothretired…andfromwhatIcantell,he’sstill Jordan’s enforcer. Could there be a better tribute in life to someone’skickassabilitythanMJhimselfdeciding,“Youknowwhat?Ineedtomakesurehe’sstillonmyside.Idon’tcareifwe’reinourforties.”Personally,IthinkOakshouldhavebecomethenextgreatactionhero.He’sgotthelooks,thesize,theswagger

…at thevery least, he couldmumble throughhis lines andbecome theblackStevenSeagal.WeknoweveryoneintheNBAwasafraidofhim,personifiedbythe famous story of Oak slapping Barkley hard across the face during a ’99lockout players-onlymeeting. I once asked a relatively famous current player,“WhatmakesOakleymoreintimidatingthaneveryoneelse?”Hisanswer:

“There’salottatoughguysintheleague,butOakdon’tgiveafuck.”Well,then.109. This comeback didn’t turn out so well: Jordan overdid his preseasonconditioningandbattledavarietyofnaggingkneeandligament issuesfor twoyears.Evenworse,hewasstillrunningtheteamandbuiltitaroundhisstrengthsand weaknesses, hiring a yes-man coach (Doug Collins), slowing them downstylistically andmaking a horrible trade (RipHamilton for Jerry Stackhouse).Theymissedtheplayoffsbothyears.Eventhesignaturebookwrittenaboutthecomebacksucked.Inowpretendthiscomebackneverhappened,andfrankly,soshouldyou.110.OakhadtwolegendaryNBAfeuds:OnewithTyroneHill(whoreportedlywelchedonapokerdebt),theotherwithJeffMcInnis(originsunclearbut it definitely involved a woman). I have heard various accounts of theresolutions of these feuds, but each involvedOak laying the smackdown likeMarcellusWallaceseekingrevengeonZedandtheGimp.Bytheway,anytimeyouhearabout twoNBAplayerswhohavea longstandingbeef, thereisa100percentchancethatthebeefstartedbecausesomeoneowedmoneyfromacardgameorsomeoneboinkedsomeoneelse’sgirlfriendorsteadyhookup.Withno

exceptions.

111.Thisisanunderratedpartofthestory—notthe7:30part,butthatFalkwasafraidtocomeoverandhewasonlyJordan’sagentatthetime.

112. I wantedmy son to have the initials B.O.S. for obvious reasons. TheOcandidateswereawful:Oliver,Oscar,Omahaandsoon.ThenInoticedOakleyand liked thesoundof it (strongname)and the thoughtofmysonsharing thenameofthesinglecoolestpersonalive.WillyougrowuptobeapussywithamiddlenamelikeOakley?Noway.Andsincemywifehadjustpumpedanine-poundfetusoutofherbody,wasdopeduponpainmedsandhadstitches inaplacewhere youdefinitelywouldn’twant to have stitches, she readily agreed.Wouldwehavecomeupwiththatmiddlenameifthis2006FourSeasonsstoryhadn’thappen?Probablynot.See,everythinghappensforareason.

113.I’malmostpositivethatit’sillegalforwhitepeopletoplayBidWist.114.That’sanicknameforAll-StarWeekendthatIusedastheheadlineformy2006All-StarWeekendcolumnaftermyfriendJ.A.Adandeemailedme,“HavefunattheBlackSuperBowl.”

College basketball’s Final Four is the Caucasian Super Bowl (just 80,000middle-agedwhiteguyswearingwarmupsuits), thewomen’sFinalFour is theLesbianSuperBowl(theycatersomeoftheeventstowardagayaudiencenow),the Daytona 500 is theWhite Trash Super Bowl, and the Super Bowl is theSuperBowl.

115.But not formuch longer—she filed for divorce a coupleofmonths later.ThegoodnewsisthatJuanitaJordanwillalwaysliveonforthisstory,aswellasforoneofthemostawkwardTV

momentsever:whenMJwascelebratinghisfirst title in the lockerroom, theythrewittoBobCostas,whomistakenlyintroducedJuanitaasMichael’smother,followedbyMichaelcoldlysaying,“That’smywife.”ThisclipisonYouTubeandI’vewatchedit10,543times.Itneverstopsbeingfunny.Notever.

TWELVE

THELEGENDOFKEYSERSÖZE

AFTER KEVIN GARNETT gave the most incoherent postgame interview insports history following the 2008 Finals, 1 I never imagined leaning on hisinsightsformyPulitzerwinner.ButbeforeBoston’stitledefensecommencedinOctober, a writer named Chris Jones asked the Ticket how long he thoughtCelticsfanswouldrememberthat2008team.Wouldtheirmemorieshaveashelflife?Wouldtheteam’smagicalseasoneventuallyfadeaway?Here’showJonesdescribedGarnett’sresponse:

“Listen,” Garnett interrupted, leaning in closer, eyes narrowing. “It’s the onethingthatconnectsmetothiscityandtheseguysforever.Ain’tnoonecantakethataway.It’slikeknowledge.”Hepointedtothesideofhisbald,shininghead.“Onceit’sobtained,it’sobtained.”

Perfect.Whoknewthatsomeonewhoneverattendedcollegewouldprovideone

of themore illuminating quotes in the book?He’s right. Every championshipseason matters. So let’s figure out which one mattered most. Please don’tconfusethischapterwiththeconsistentlybotched

“Who’s the greatest NBA team of all time?” argument that ranks among thedumbest in sports, right up there with “Emmitt or Barry?” “Gretzky orLemieux?”“Ali,Marciano,orLouis?”

“Elway, Montana or Marino?” “Should there be a college playoff system?”“WillprosoccerevermakeitinAmerica?”“Shouldgolfbeconsideredasport?”“Wasthe1985NBALotteryrigged?”

and “If youmated two current superstars in a deliberate attempt to create thegreatestathleteofalltime,whichtwowouldyoupick?”2Sometopicsjustdon’tneedtobedebated.Especiallythisone.Russell’sCelticscapturedeleventitlesinthirteenyears,includingeightstraightfrom1959to1966,whilewinningatleasttwoplayoffseriesagainsteveryPyramidguyfromthatera.NoNBAteamhaswon four in a row since. Of course, when the league convened its 35thAnniversary panel in 1980 they threw in an extra wrinkle: pick the greatestsingle-seasonteameveraswell.

Youknowwhotheypicked?The1967PhiladelphiaSixers.

That’s right, the one team from 1959 to 1969—an eleven-year stretch—thatdefeatedtheCelticsin

aPlayoffsseries.

Takeastepbackandconsiderhowbrainlessthatis.IfTheSopranoswontenofeleven Best Drama Emmys from 1997 to 2007, andMadMen won the otheryear,nobodywouldeversay,“MadMenwasthebestshowofalltime.”IfTomHanks won ten of eleven Best Actor Oscars from 1991 to 2002, and RussellCrowewontheotheryear,nobodywouldeversay,“RussellCrowewasthebestactor of all time.”You’d gowithThe Sopranos and you’d gowithHanks. Itwouldn’tevenbeaquestion.Soplease,ifonlyformysanity,let’sallagreethatBillRussell’sCelticteamsearned

“greatest basketball teamof all time”honors.Wewill never see anything likeeightstraightorelevenofthirteeneveragain.Inanysport.Wereallywon’t.3

And since that’s the case,what ifwe twist the argument and switch “greatestteam ever” for “most invincible season ever”? Now we have something!RememberinTheUsualSuspectswhenVerbalKinttoldhisKeyserSözestory:howSözesoughtrevengeforhismurderedfamilyandrippedthroughanentiretownlikeatornadofromhell,killingeverybody,burningeverythingdownandleavingnothinginhiswake?We’relookingfortheultimateKeyserSözeteam.Wewanttofindtheteamthat,morethananyoneelse,shreddedeveryoneinitspathandleftussayingafterward,

“Wow, nobody was beating those guys.” Those Russell-Auerbach teamswereunbeatable,but theyneversubmittedadefiningSözeseason inanunfavorablepreexpansionclimate(8–9teams,88–99

players,creamofthecropatalltimes)astheyconstantlybattledthe“beenhere,donethat”

syndrome.4

CheckoutBoston’sregularseasonrecordaswellasitstotalnumberofHallofFamersandPyramidguys,pointdifferential,overallplayoff record,andFinalsrecordfrom1959to1966.

Here’stheonegreatPhillyseasonfrom1967:

Hmmmmmm.Payspecialattentiontothe’65Celtsand’67Sixers.Headinginto’65astheback-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-backchamps,theCelticshadexhausted somany differentmotivational gimmicks that “We need towin forTommyHeinsohn,it’shislastyear!”

was their only galvanizing force other than Russell’s puking, Auerbach’shollering and the promise of playoffmoney. Two years later, the SixersweredrivenbyachancetocapturetheirfirsttitleandtoppleBoston’sdynasty,aswellasWilt’sobsessionwithbeatingRussellandprovinghecouldbeateamplayer;thosepowerful,once-in-a-careerincentivespropelledthemto68wins(sixmorethan the ’65 Celts), a 9.4 scoring differential (one point higher than the ’65Celts)anda12–4

playoff record (fourwins better than theCelts,who only played two rounds).Andthatwasn’tthemosttalentedRussellteam:the’60,’61and’62groupswerebetter. 5ComparingRussell’sCeltics toRobertDeNiro’s career, the ’65 teamwouldbeHeat.Greatmovie,iconicmovie,astoudinglyrewatchablemovie,butnothisbestwork.

Now add this: The ’67 season featured an expansion team (Chicago) and ahopeless doormat (the 20-winBullets); Phillywent 16–2 against those clowns

butfinished4–5againstitsonlyopponentwithawinningpercentageover.550(the 60-win Celtics).6 The ’65 Celtics had one whipping boy (the 17-winWarriors,whodroppednineoftentothem)andthreelegitimatefoes:the49-winLakers (West andElgin), the 48-winRoyals (Oscar at his apex) and a 40-winPhilly team became competitive after stealing Wilt from San Fran in mid-January. Boston went 15–5 against Cincy and Los Angeles and 3–3 againstWilt’sSixers.Sowhat’smoreimpressive—theback-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back champs winning 62 games in a tighter and more competitiveleague,orPhillywinning68inaneasierleaguewithloadsofincentive?

Any“most invincibleseasonever”argumenthingesonmotivationand timing.The’96Bullswanted toavengeadishearteningplayoffdefeat.The’71Bucksand ’83 Sixers smelled first titles for Oscar and Doc/Moses. The ’86 Celticswere rejuvenated by Bill Walton and sought retribution for blowing the ’85Finals.The’87Lakerswantedtoprovetheyweren’tfinished.Andthe’67

Sixerswere blessedwith a secretweapon that anyCeltics team from 1960 to1966 was fundamentally disqualified from having: a burning desire to provethemselvesandaccomplishthegreatunknown.Inretrospect,thebiggesttragedyof Russell’s career was Selvy missing the winning shot of the ’62 Finals. 7Imagine an absurdly loaded ’63 Celtics team declaring war and finishingsomething like72–8.TheyhadRussell inhisprime,SamJonesemergingasatop-tenplayer,CousyandHeinsohnstillthriving,SatchandK.C.killingteamsdefensively,RamseyandHavlicekcomingoff thebench…andunfortunately,the’63Celtslackedanyincentiveotherthan

“WeneedtowinforCoozinhislastyear”and“Wecouldusetheplayoffmoneyfor cigarettes and rent.” Even then, they rolled through the league with ease.What if theyhadbeensupremelypissedoff?Howcanyougetproperlypissedwhenyoukeepwinning?

We also can’t ignore the benefits—and really, that’s the perfect word—of arespected contender nipping at the alpha dog’s heels.Thatwrinkle pushed the’86Celtics, ’87Lakers and ’67Sixers toheights theymightnothave reachedotherwise.Forinstance,the’67Celticsjumpedtoa14–2startbeforeeventually

falling behind a 26–2 Sixers team. As Philly extended its record to 46–4 inJanuary, theCelticswere ripping off eleven straight and staying close enoughthatPhillyneverrelaxed.WhatifBostonwon45gamesinsteadof60?AretheSixersstilldriving to thefinish line likeSecretariat in theBelmont?Ofcoursenot.TheyneededthatCelticsteamtokeeppushingthem.Contrastthatwithho-hum seasons for the ’60C’s (who started off 30–4 andopened an eight-gameleadbeforeblowingsixoftheirnexteight)andthe’65C’s(46–9andleadingtheleague by double digits before “stumbling” to 14–9 down the stretch). Whycouldn’t they keep it up? They got bored! Nobody cared about anything like“Whoa, theymightwin 70 games!” back then; the league hadn’t been aroundlongenoughtoplacesuchanachievementinperspective.Thatchangedduringthe’67season.EveryonewantedPhillytotoppleBoston’sdynastyandbreakthe70-win barrier (or come damned close); between that and Boston breathingdownPhilly’sneck,suddenlytheNBAhadneverseenahungrierregularseasonteam. 8 Again, much of this “most invincible team ever” stuff is totally,completely,undeniablycircumstantial.That’swhythetwentybestsingle-seasonteams(don’tworry,we’regettingthere)fallintooneofthreecategories.

LEVELONE:ATEAMCAPTURINGITSFIRSTTITLE

Thinkofitlikehikingagiganticmountain:youdon’tknowifyoucandoit,younearlygetderailedahundred times,youdigdeeper thanyouever thoughtyoucould, you tap into a level of passion that you didn’t knowyou had, you stilldon’t totally trust that itwillhappen…and then ithappens.LevelOne teamsnever fully believe that they will become champions until the champagne isdrippingofftheirheads.Acruciallayerofconfidenceismissing.Forinstance,let’ssayyou’rehandsome,funny,welldressed,andwealthy—likeme,onlyifIweresingle.9Let’ssaysomeoneintroducesyoutoKateBosworthatacocktailpartyinManhattan.Andlet’ssayyou’rethinking,

“Holy shit, I’m talking to Kate Bosworth!” and assuming you don’t have achanceinhellwithher.Areyouhoppinginacabwithherlaterthatnight?Noway.Now, let’s say youdatedMeadowSoprano for threemonths, hookedupwith an Olsen, and fooled around with Minka Kelly when she was betweenMayerandJeter…andthensomeoneintroducedyoutoBosworth.You’vebeen

therebeforewithfemalecelebs.You’vebrokenthatbarrierdown.Youhaveaninnerconfidencethatyoumightnothavehadotherwise.Evenbetter,sheknowsabout you andMinkaKelly, giving you a little celebrity cachetwith her. Shedoesn’thavetoworryaboutyouhigh-fivingyourselfafteranorgasmorwaitingforhertofallasleepsoyoucanfilmherwithyourcellphone.10Sowhohasabetter chance of sealing the dealwithKateBosworth:Great-on-PaperYou orGreat-on-Paper-with-ConfidenceYou?Thesecondguy.It’snotadebate.Well,basketballworksthesameway.Great-Team-on-Paperwillneverbeasgoodas

Great-Team-on-Paper-with-Confidence.

LEVELTWO:ACHAMPIONDEFENDINGITSTITLE

Sure, they might get bored during the regular season, battle overconfidenceproblems,struggleagainsttheDiseaseofMoreandfailtofindthesamepassionthatcarriedthemthepreviousyear…

but they snap into “Youhaveno chance,we’re the champs”mode as soon asthere’smoneyorprideontheline.WhenLloydNealhissedinthelockerroom,“That’swhywe’rethefuckingchamps!”afterthe’78BlazersannihilatedPhilly,that’sthedefinitiveLevelTwostory.MJ’sparadeofthreesinGameOneofthe’92Finalsisthedefinitive“That’swhywe’rethefuckingchamps”game.L.A.’srollthroughthe2001playoffswasthedefinitive“That’swhywe’rethefuckingchamps”postseason.11

LEVELTHREE:AGREATTEAMWITHTHEEFF-YOUEDGE

Onlyonescenarioapplies,and it requiresa run-onsentence:youneedaneliteformer championship teamwith a transcendent star in his prime coming off adisappointingplayoffexitwhoregroupedandmadethenecessarytweaksbeforelockingthemselves intoSözemodeforeightmonths tryingtoclimbbackoverthemountainandreclaimwhat’stheirswhiletakingouttheirfrustrationsfroma

previouscollapsealongtheway.Think’86Celtsor’96Bulls.

Now,youcan’tentertheSözezoneasaLevelOneteam.Youcancomecloseand have motivation oozing out the wazoo, but a shred of doubt loiters overeverything.Arewethatgood?Canweactuallywin?Wearen’tgonnablowthis,arewe?The’91Bullsarethebestexample:onpaper,theywereoneofthesixorsevengreatestteamsofalltimebyanystatisticalcalculation.ButIwasthere.I can report with complete certainty that most “experts” (including me) 12thought the Lakers would beat them in the Finals. You know, the old“experienceoveryouth” thing.When theBullsblewGame1athome,nobodythoughtChicagowouldsweepthenextfourgames.NotevenMichaelJordan.(Ispecifically remember the Lakers being 5-to-2 favorites after Game 1.) Andhonestly?Theydidn’tbecomegreatuntilthelastfewminutesofGame5,whenPhilJacksonfinallyconvincedJordantotrusthisteammatesonceandforall—the much-retold, “Michael, who’s open?” story—and the Bulls took care ofbusiness.

Level Two and Level Three? That’s another story. These teams know how totake care of business. They know what works. They know how to win. Theyknowwhatitfeelsliketoclimbthemountainandknowhowtogetbackthere.At this point,we’re arguing degrees. Sowhat’smore impressive: a dethronedchampionchannelingitshostilityintothefollowingseasonandwreakinghavoc,or a defending champion welcoming all comers, relishing every challenge,developinganairof invincibility/superiority and sticking it to everyone for anentire“Showmewhatyougot!”season?

Fortunately,wehavetheperfectcasestudy(the’96and’97Bulls)andperfectpersontoanswerthequestion(SteveKerr,astarteronbothteamsandoneofthemore thoughtfulex-players, someonewhogenuinelywondersabout thisstuff).Onpaper,the’96and’97Bullswerecloserthanyouprobablyremember.

1996Bulls: 72–10 (reg. season), 15–3 (Playoffs), 13.4 point differential1997Bulls:69–13(reg.season),15–4(Playoffs),12.0pointdifferential

Nowthrowthesewrinklesin:

•Chicago’s’96playoffrecordwasskewedbecauseoftheEasternFinals,whenamuch-anticipatedOrlando rematchwasderailed inGame1afterHoraceGrant(Orlando’sbestrebounderandaformerBullwithanongoinggrudge)leftwithaseries-endingleftelbowinjury.WhenNickAnderson(aworthyfoilforJordanin’95)wentdowninGame3,theBullsendedupsweepingaMagicteamthatshould have been aworthy opponent. Remember, Pennymade first-teamAll-NBAthatyear;theBullshadnobodytodefendShaq;andOrlandohadalreadybeatenthemonce.13

• The ’97 Bulls signed Brian Williams14 for the stretch run, giving themsomething they lacked in ’96: a lefty who could score with his back to thebasket.WilliamsgrabbedallofBillWennington’sminutesin the’97Playoffs.You’veseenBillWenningtonplay,right?

That’s a bigger upgrade than Ashton Kutcher going from January Jones toBrittanyMurphy.

• The leaguewas better in ’97 andUtah provided amore experienced Finalsopponent than the happy-to-be-there ’96 Sonics. The ’96Bulls rolled throughOrlandoandSeattle;the’97

BullsfacedafriskyBulletsteam(C-Webb,Juwan,andRodStrickland),Riley’sfeisty Miami team (Mourning and Hardaway) and the Jazz during Malone’s(cough,cough)firstMVPseason.Sogoing15–4in the’97postseasonwasnolessimpressivethan15–3in’96.

BeforeIaskedKerrthe“Whowasbetter?”question,Ihadbeenleaningtowardthe’97Bulls.Thelastpartofmyemail:“Consideringthatyouweren’t in‘EffYou’modein’97becauseyouhadalreadyclimbedthemountain,butyouguysstillwentoutandkickedeverybody’sassto98.9

percentofthesamedegreeyoudidtheyearbefore,inmymind,that’sagreater

accomplishmentthanjustwinningthetitlein’96whenyouhadallthenecessaryincentivesinplace.Doesthatmakesense?”

Kerr’sresponse:

Very interesting. Iguess thequestion is,doyourewarda teamforhaving lessmotivation,ordoyoutakepointsaway?Icouldmakeanargumentthatthe’96teamwasbetterbecauseweweremoremotivated.Thehungerfactorwashugeforusthatyearandthathelpedmakeusagreatteam.TwothingscometomindwhenIcomparethoseteams.FirstistheBrianWilliamsfactor.Wegothimfor(the final 17 games) and hewas huge for us down the stretch.Having a legitpost-up scorer andathletic shotblockerwas somethingwedidn’thavebefore.Secondly,when you’vewon a title already, there’s a sense of superiority andinvincibilitythatwasn’ttherebefore.Thegreatteamsusethatinapositiveway,whichiswhatwedid.Insteadof‘effyou’modelikein’96,it’smorelike“Youhave no chance against us”mode.Wewere so confident from already havingwona title thatweknewweweregoing to crush everyone that year.That’s adangerous mentality to have, obviously, if you don’t have a mature team. Itwouldbeeasytostopworkinghard.ButwithMJandallofourvets,therewasnowaythatwasgoingtohappen.Anyway,forwhatit’sworth,Ithoughtthe’96teamwasbetterbecauseoftheedgewehad.The“effyou”isapowerfulforce.Butthe’97teamwasbetteronpaper.15

Perfect!Thankyou,SteveKerr.Wecouldn’thaveaskedforabetterguytosolvethatproblem.That’swhyIhavethe“effyou”moderankedasLevelThreeandthe“superiority/invincibility”

mode ranked one level below: because Kerr lived through both seasons, he’swickedsmaht(©

WillHunting’sbuddy)andwecantrusthim.Soifwe’refiguringoutthesinglemost invincible basketball team ever, really, there are three choices and onlythree:the’86Celtics,’87Lakersor

’96Bulls… althoughwe’re covering the best ten, becauseGod forbid I evertookashortcutinthisbook.OneStanleyRoberts–sizedisclaimer:Forany“mostinvincible” argument, it can’t be forgotten that theNBApeaked competitivelyfrom1984to1993,afewyearsafter themergerbutbeforeoverexpansion, themegasalaryboomandunderclassmen flooding thecollegedraft.Checkout theroster of the ’84 Celtics, who won two seventh games to clinch a fifteenthbanner, outlasted a seemingly unbeatable Lakers team, and were neverconsideredformytopten:

STARTERS: Larry Bird (first of his three MVP years), Cedric Maxwell (’81FinalsMVP),RobertParish(top–fifty-fivePyramidguy),DennisJohnson(top–fifty-fivePyramidGuy,’79

Finals MVP), Gerald Henderson (good enough to get swapped for Seattle’sunconditionalnumberonepickthatsummer)16

BENCH: KevinMcHale (top-forty Pyramid guy, best sixth man ever), DannyAinge(two-timeAll-Star,fourteen-yearveteran),M.L.Carr(oneoftheleague’sbetterbenchplayers),ScottWedman (two-timeAll-Star,bestplayeronan ’81KingsteamthatcamewithinonewinoftheFinals),QuinnBuckner(formertop-tenpick,10-yearveteran).

Seethebenefitsofasmallerleague(justtwenty-threeteams)withincompetentlyrunteamsroutinelyscrewingupdraftsandgivingawaynumberonepicks?Oncetheleaguebeganaddingfranchisesanddilutingitstalentpool,itbecamenearlyimpossibletoconstructjuggernautsliketheonesfromtheBird-Magicera.Inthelast fifteen years, we’ve only seen two competitive monsters: Jordan’spostbaseballChicagoteamsandthefirsttwoShaq-Kobeteams.Inathirty-teamleaguewithnearlyeveryfrontofficeknowingwhat it’sdoing,17withownersconstantly fearing the salary capand luxury tax,youcannotbuild a contenderwithathree-timeMVP,threeFinalsMVPs,fourPyramidguys,McHalecomingoffthebench,AingeasyourthirdguardandWedmanasyoureighthman.It’snothappening.Youcan’tgetluckyenoughtimes;theoddsaretoogreat.

Hence, for the purposes of this chapter, I’m ignoring the pre-1960 teams (notenough black players, defense or quality shooting), severely penalizing the1970–76teams(becauseoftheexpansion/ABAdoublewhammy)andpre-1970teams(becauseI’veseenthetapesandyoucan’ttellmewithastraightfacethatthe’65Celtsor’67Sixerswouldn’thavegottensweptbythe’01

Lakersby25pointsagame),and I’mdiscounting thepost-MJ teams (becauseit’s impossible to put together a ridiculously talented team in a thirty-teamleaguewithcap/taxconstraints).Theteamsleftstandingwillbejudgedbyfourfactorsandonlyfour.

1. Invincibility at the time coupled with a willingness of everyone else toconcede,“Wehadnochanceagainst thoseguys.”This isaclear-cutyes-or-noquestion.YoucaneasilytellfromthearticleswrittenduringtheseasonandaftertheFinals. Ifwritersareravingabout the teamandstruggling toput theminahistoricalcontext,andiftheiropponentsaregushingaboutthem,thensomethingmagicaljusthappened.

2.Levelofconsistent/methodical/transcendentgreatness fromOctober toJune.You can figure this out with regular-season/Playoffs records, double-digitwinningstreaks,highpointdifferentials,fewPlayoffslossesandhighmarginsincloseoutgames.Thelastoneismyfavorite:wheninvincibleteamssmellblood,theyshift into“wearen’t justwinningthis,we’regoingtohopefullyruin theirconfidenceforthenextfiveyearsandgiveourfansalifelongmemory”mode.

3.Theirdefenseof that“greatestseason”thefollowingyear.Sorry, ifyoujustsubmittedahistoricseasonthatmightberememberedforeternity,shouldn’tthatmeansomethingtoeveryonewhowasinvolved?Showsomepride.Protectyourtitle. Make us feel like you’d rather die than lose your championship belt.What’s the point of winning a title if you aren’t going to defend it? 18 4.Hypotheticalabilitytotranscenderasandsucceednomattertheyear.Andyes,this is the single toughest ingredient to project; we’re eliminating nearlyeveryone before 1980 for the reasons laid out in the “How theHell” chapter.God bless Russell’s Celtics teams, but they weren’t beating MJ’s Bulls withHondo and Sam Jones handling the ball, and they definitely weren’t beating

Bird’s Celtics with Tommy Heinsohn guarding Kevin McHale. As for thehypotheticalstuff,you’rejustgoingtohavetotrustmyexpertise.You’vecomethis far. In the words of Bobby Knight, relax and enjoy it. Whoops, he wastalkingaboutrape.Badexample.Um,justrelaxandenjoyit.19

In my humble opinion, only twenty NBA champions deserved specialcommendation for this chapter. I narrowed it down to ten honorablementionsandaneliteten.

HONORABLEMENTION

THE’61CELTICS(57–22,8–2INPLAYOFFS)

Russell’smostdominantteamconsideringhewashittinghisprime(19–30–5inthe playoffs), eight Hall of Famers were aboard and they rolled through theplayoffs…butthat57–22recordscreamsof“Whenaretheplayoffsstarting?”Intheirdefense, theywerecomingoffback-to-backtitlesandGodknowshowmanyexhibition/regularseasongames—playingsomethinglike240–250gamesin a twenty-four-month span, traveling by bus or train (or evenworse, flyingcoach with connections)—without modern advances in training, workoutequipment,medicalcare,dietingandeverythingelse.Again,watchthefirsttwoseasonsofMadMensometimeandimagineplayingprofessionalbasketballforalivingbackthen.Givethe’61Celticsacharteredplane,Dr.JamesAndrews,adietitianandnicotinepatchesandGodknowswhatwouldhavehappened.

THE’65CELTICS(60–22,8–4,16-GAMEWINNINGSTREAK)

Personifiedthe“it’sallabouttiming”point.HadSanFranciscowaiteduntilthesummer to gift-wrapWilt for Philly, the Celtics would have played a 48-winRoyalsteamintheEasternFinals(theyfinished8–2againstCincythatyear)andanElginless Lakers team in the Finals. Instead, they barely survived a seven-

game bloodbath againstWilt’s Sixers that everyone remembers for “Havlicekstealstheball!”Nodiscussionaboutthegreatestofthegreatshouldincludethewords“barelysurvived.”Unlessyou’retalkingaboutUruguayanrugby.20

THE’6776ERS(68–13,12–4)

Beyondthepre-1970issueandaweakcompetitiveseasondescribedearlier,theywereoverratedforthefollowingreasons:First,theycaughttheRusselleraattheperfecttime,immediatelyafterAuerbachretired,whenRussellstruggledinhisfirstyearasplayer-coach.Second,the“special”

component to Philly’s season was its 68–13 record … but really, the 68happenedbecauseBoston stayed close for awhile and thenationalmedia, forwhatever reason, made a big deal about the quest for 70.21 Third, they onlyfeaturedthreePyramidguys(Wilt,GreerandCunningham,onlyarookie),andwhen you think about it, how could the so-called greatest team of theNBA’sfirst thirty-five years have only three Pyramid guys? Fourth,Wilt’s poor freethrow shooting would quickly manifest itself in a fictional round-robintournamentwiththeotherall-timepowerhouses;heinfamouslyavoidedtheballin the final twominutes, leavingGreer orCunningham tomatch basketswithJordan,Kobe,Birdorwhomever.Andfifth,foranallegedly“great”team,theycouldn’tdefendtheirtitleevenonce,blowinga3–1leadtothe’68Celtics(withWilt demanding a trade that summer). Somuch for our number one 1 SilverAnniversarychoice.

THE’70KNICKS(62–20,12–7)

Had the following things in their favor: three top-forty-fivePyramidguys andfirst-teamAll-Defense guys (Reed, Frazier andDeBusschere), a 10-plus pointdifferentialintheregularseason,trulyphenomenalhomecrowds,anundeniablegraspofTheSecret,an18-gamewinningstreakandsomeofthemostbeautifulball movement and perimeter shooting we’ve ever seen. But their playoff

performance was lacking,22 and you can’t discount their failed title defense(losingaGame7toBaltimoreatMSG).ThrowinRussell(retired),Wilt(played6 regular season games), Oscar (self-destructing in Cincy), Kareem (just arookie)andexpansion(fivenewteamssince’67)andthe’70Knicksdidn’tdonearly enough butt-whupping formy liking.On the bright side, 20,785 bookshavebeenwrittenaboutthem.Sotheyhavethatgoingforthem.

THE’82L.A.LAKERS(57–25,12–2)

Alongwith the ’01 Lakers,my favorite “should have been greater” team thatwas sideswiped by the Disease of More. By the spring (once they changedcoaches, quelled chemistry issues and got Magic going again), they had thefollowing trump cards in place: two of the ten greatest players ever, a soul-crushing half-court offense anchored by Kareem, a once-in-a-generation fastbreakwithtwopointguards(MagicandNormNixon)andanahead-of-its-time1–3–1 smallball trapwithMcAdooanchoring theback,NormNixonup front,and Jamaal Wilkes, Magic and Michael Cooper covering the middle. Theycruisedtothedegreethat“bestteamever”buzzbuiltthroughoutthePlayoffs—theywere10–0headingintoGame3oftheFinals—beforePhillysalvagedtwowins, theLakersclinched in six, andeveryone forgotabout themfive secondslaterbecauseCBStape-delayedmostoftheseries.Butifyoucreateda32-teamBestofAllTimesingle-elimination,MarchMadness–type tournament, the ’82Lakerswouldbemysleeper.Nightmarematchupforjustaboutanyone.23

THE’85L.A.LAKERS(62–20,15–4)

Had to be includedbecause of their impressive playoff numbers (127.1 pointsscored,16.3pointdifferentialperwin,54.3percentFGshooting,11double-digitwins,closeoutgamemarginsof16,19,44,and9),althoughit’sstillunclearifthe best teamwon the title. (Note:Thatwas the springwhenBird injured hisshootinghand inabar fightandstank in theFinals.)The ’85Lakerswere thefirst smallball champion: Kareem had stopped rebounding consistently, they

didn’t have an elitepower forward and their best lineupwasKareem-Worthy-Cooper-Scott-Magic. Despite Bird’s struggles and Cedric Maxwell’s no-showthat season,24 it’s hard to fathom how a team blessed with Bird, Parish andMcHaleintheirprimesdidn’tjustpoundthelivingcrapoutoftheLakersdownlow.(Eventwenty-oddyearslater,McHaleandAingestillbitchthattheCelticsblew a golden chance to repeat.Had theLakers been a truly great team, theirFinals opponents wouldn’t have been kicking themselves years later andbemoaninglostchances.Samegoesforthe’84

Celtics, by theway.) Their big issuewas rebounding—one year later, the ’86Rockets busted the Lakers by butchering them on the boards. Poor Kareemcouldn’tfendthemoff.Whydidn’tthe’85

Celticsdothis?Ihavenoidea.Buteverythingprobablyevenedout:L.A.blewthe’84Finals,Bostonblewthe’85Finals,andthat’sthat.

THE’92CHICAGOBULLS(67–15,15–7)

A potential all-timer that didn’t quite get there because of something Kerrmentionedwithhis invincibility/superioritycommentsaboutLevelTwoteams:“That’s a dangerousmentality to have, obviously, if you don’t have amatureteam.”Bingo.ThisshouldhavebeenJordan’sbestteam:MJwasatthepeakofhisphysicalpowers, aswasPippen, and theywereblessedwith thebestnine-man rotation of any Bulls team during the MJ era. They had an answer foreverything.Buttheplayoffs…arrrrrrrrgh.Youshouldn’tneedsevengamestotopplethe’92Knicks.Youshouldn’tneedsixgamestotopplethe’92Blazers.Youshouldn’thavetorallyfrom15downathometoclinchyourtitle.

The Disease of More wreaked havoc with these guys. Pippen was kickinghimself after signing a shortsighted contract extension, then learning theBullsoffered more money to Toni Kukoc. Grant was ticked because he didn’t getenough acclaim for doing all the dirty work. Young guns Stacey King, B. J.ArmstrongandCliffLevingstonbelievedtheyweregoodenoughtobestarting.AndallhellbrokeloosewhenSamSmithreleasedTheJordanRulesinJanuary

of ’92, abehind-the-scenesaccountofChicago’s first title season.We learnedabout Jordan’s overcompetitive-ness, gigantic ego, “selfish” nature 25 andmean-spirited methods for motivating inferior teammates; everyone wasflabbergasted because we only knew Jordan from his inventive Nikecommercials and articulate interviews. Infuriated by the candid portrayal andincensed that teammates and coaches providedmaterial for the book—amongthem, reportedly, Grant, Phil Jackson, and Jerry Reinsdorf—Jordan retreatedinto an icy shell and wouldn’t emerge until he started playing for theBirmingham Barons three years later. That’s what led to Chicago’s spottyperformance in the ’92 playoffs. Tragically, that Bulls team had the highestceilingofanyoneother than the’82Lakers, ’86Celticsand’01Lakers;watchGame1oftheFinalsnotjustforJordan’sepicundressingofClydeDrexlerbutfor thewaytheBullsdemolishedPortlanddefensivelyinaPantheon-levelass-kicking.ThentheyrelaxedandblewGame2.AndsoitwentfortheBullsthatseason:tonsofpotential,muchofitrealized…butnotallofit.Asitturnedout,theonlyguywhocouldstopthe’92BullswasSamSmith.26

THE’00L.A.LAKERS(67–15,15–8,19-GAMESTREAK)

It’sa shamewecan’t combine their ’00 regular seasonwith their ’01playoffs(14–1) and make them a superteam. The smoking gun: they started the ’00playoffs 11–8 (yuck) before sweeping the last four Philly games; evenworse,Portland would have beaten them if not for the most horrific fourth-quartercollapse in the history of theAssociation.Theymissed a few shots, got tight,stoppedgettingcallsandgotscrewedbysomeillogicalcoachingdecisions.Eventhe 2000SourceAwards didn’tmelt down that fast.What a startling game torewatch.Evenmorestartling:MikeDunleavywashiredtocoachanother teamafterwhathappened.When thepoorClippershad to spend tenhours sprayingDunleavywith a fire hose to get the blood of the 2000Blazers off his body,maybethatshouldhavebeenasigntolookatothercandidates.

THE’07SANANTONIOSPURS(58–24,16–4)

THE’08BOSTONCELTICS(66–16,16–10)

TheSpurslackedregularseasonchopsandtheCelticslackedpostseasonchops,buttheyreliedonthesameformula:threeeliteplayers(Duncan-Parker-GinobiliforSA,Garnett-Pierce-AllenforBoston),multiplecrunch-timescorers,effectiverole players and stifling defense. Including advancements in game planning,scouting,conditioning,defensiveIQ,statisticalstudy,DVD/editing,equipment,medicine,physical care, Internet/mobiledevices,high schoolbasketball campsandeverythingelse,youcouldarguethesepasttwotitleteamsweren’tasloadedasthesquadsfromtheBird-Magicera,but theyweremorepreparedandmoredefensivelysound.27Backin1984,apivotalcoachingadjustmentwasKCJonesfinally realizing after three freaking games that Dennis Johnson should havebeen houndingMagic. 28 In 2008?Coaches and scouts broke things down someticulously that they could tell you the exact benefits—right down to thepercentagepoint—of forcingLamarOdom right insteadof lettinghimgo left.Should hyperintelligence matter when we’re comparing teams from differentdecades?Absolutely. It’s an era-specific advantage, just like smoking, lowtopsneakers,lackoffitnessandrudimentaryVD

medicationweredetrimentsduringtheRussellera.Butitdoesn’tchangethefactthat Kendrick Perkins couldn’t have stopped Kareem in a million years, thatMagicwouldhaveeatenBoston’spointguardsalive,orthatJordanwouldhaverippedupthe’07Spurs.

Ifyou’restilldubiousthatthisdecade’sfinestteamscouldn’thavehandledthebest of the Bird-Magic-Jordan era, beyond the preexpansion advantages ofhavingtwomorequalityguysinyourtopnine,considerthiscaveat:ifthe1986Celtics hopped in a time machine, turned into a 2009 expansion team andreconfiguredundercurrentsalary-cap/luxury-taxrules(we’llsaya$70

million cap), do you realize howmuchmoney they would lose? 29 Here’s aconservativeestimateoftheirprojectedcapfiguresaswellasthetotalamountofeachhypotheticalcontract:

LarryBird:$20million(6years,$120million)

KevinMcHale:$15.5million(6years,$93million)

RobertParish:$15million(5years,$75million)

DennisJohnson:$13million(5years,$65million)

DannyAinge:$9million(5years,$45million)

BillWalton:$7million(3years,$21million)

ScottWedman:$6.5million(5years,$27.5million)

JerrySichting:$1.8million(2years,$3.6million)

SamVincent:$1.7million(4years,$6.8million)

GregKite:$1.7million(4years,$6.8million)

DavidThirdkill:$1.2million(1year,$1.2million)

RickCarlisle:$400K(3years,$1.2million)30

Captotal:$92.8million

Keepinmind,that’sonlytwelveplayersandeverymodernteamcarriesfifteen,sowe’dhavetobumpthetotalbyanother$1.5–$3million;theParish/McHalesalariesassumethatnobodyclearedcopiousamountsofcapspace(likeOrlandowith Rashard Lewis) to offer them $110-$120 million in free agency (whichdefinitelycouldhavehappened);andWedman’snumbermightbelowwhenyouremember what similar shooters like Jason Kapono and Vlad Radmanovicearned in freeagency(andWedmanwasbetter than thoseguys).Anyway,my“realistic” look at their projected salaries twenty-three years later yields aprojectedpayrollof$95million.Ninety-fivemillion!The

’86 Celtics wouldn’t just lose money in 2009; they’d lose outrageous, life-alteringamounts ofmoney, upwards of $30–$35milliononceyou include theluxurytax.Inotherwords,there’snoconceivablewaytheirnucleuscouldhave

remained intact.Whichmeans theywould have been forced to deal Parish orMcHale—justforthehellofit,let’ssaytheytradedMcHaletoDallasforSamPerkins, Derek Harper and a future number one—and instead of swappingCedricMaxwellanda futurenumberone to theClippers forBillWalton, theywouldbeenforcedtodealMaxwell31

alongwiththatnumberonepick(andpossiblyasecondnumberone)toanyonewithcapspaceforafuturesecond-rounderjusttoditchMaxfromtheircap.

Solet’slookatourrevised,tax-friendly’86Celticsrosterunder2009rules:

LarryBird:$20million(6years,$120million)

RobertParish:$15million(5years,$75million)

DennisJohnson:$13million(5years,$65million)

DannyAinge:$9million(5years,$45million)

ScottWedman:$5.5million(5years,$27.5million)

SamPerkins:$4million(4years,$16million)

DerekHarper:$3million(4years,$12million)

JerrySichting:$1.8million(2years,$3.6million)

SamVincent:$1.7million(4years,$6.8million)

GregKite:$1.7million(4years,$6.8million)

DavidThirdkill:$1.2million(1year,$1.2million)

RickCarlisle:$400K(3years,$1.2million)

Captotal:$77.3million

Translation:Evenaftertheabovemoves,they’dbeguaranteeda$10-$12millionloss unless theymade the second round. If their ownerswere afraid of takingthat hit, maybe they would pursue another cap-friendly trade of Wedman orAingeforacheaperplayerorexpiringcontractthatwouldweakentheteamevenmore.Thisisallanelaboratewayofsayingthatiftheyhadbeenplayingunderthe2009rules,there’snowayinhellIwouldbebouncingmygrandkidsonmylapsomedayandtellingthemaboutthe1986BostonCeltics.Andthat’swhywehadtodiscounttwenty-first-centuryteamsinthischapter.Theruleswereandarestackedagainstthem.Literally.32

Withoutfurtherado,thetengreatestteamsofalltime.

THEELITETEN

10.THE’91BULLS

Regularseason(61–21):35–6athome…9.0SD(110–101)…51%FG,76%FT,36%

3FG…9–12vs.50-winteams…56–15(last71games)…winningstreaks:11+9

Playoffs(15–2):8–1athome…11.7PD(109.9–92.2)…51.4FG(1st),45.0defensiveFG

(2nd), 9.5 steals…. 9 double-digit wins … 2 losses by 4 points total …closeoutmargins:9

+5+21+7…followingseason:wontitle(beatPortlandin6)

Castandcrew:MichaelJordan (super-duper star),ScottiePippen (super-duper-wingman),HoraceGrant (wingman),BillCartwright,JohnPaxson,B.J.Armstrong,StaceyKing,CliffLevingston(roleplayers),PhilJackson(coach)

Gaining steam historically because their playoff record and point differentialswere accomplished during an extremely competitive season and featured thefollowingfacts:theyswepttheback-to-backchampsandmurderedtheIsiahera;theywon the last fourFinalsgamesandhelpedkillShowtime;33andof theirtwoplayofflosses,onehappenedinovertime(Game3againstBarkleyandtheSixers) and theotherhappenedona last-second threebySamPerkins (Finals,Game1).Doyourealize thatJordanmissedwide-openjumpers towinbothofthose games? We always hear about Philly’s “Fo-Fo-Fo” postseason, but itwasn’tasimpressiveaswhatthe’91

Bulls accomplished.We’re penalizing them for the aforementionedLevelOnereason:youcan’tbegreatwhenyoudon’tknow ifyou’regreatuntil theveryend,andthe’91Bullsdidn’tknowuntilthesix-minutemarkoftheirlastgame.34

9.THE’72L.A.LAKERS

Regularseason(69–13):peakof67–12…37–5athome…12.3SD(121.0–108.7)…led leagueinpoints,rebounds,andassists,2ndinFG(49%)anddefensiveFG(43%)…

20–6vs.49-winteams…longestwinningstreak:33(all-timerecord).

Playoffs(12–3):6–2athome…3.3SD(106.6–103.4)…6double-digitwins…3

double-digitlosses…42.9%FG,75.0%FT…closeoutgamemarginsof11,

4,and14…

followingseason:runners-up(losttoKnicksin5)

Castandcrew:JerryWest,WiltChamberlain(superstars),GailGoodrich(superwingman), JimMcMillian, LeroyEllis,HappyHairston, PatRiley(roleplayers),BillSharman(coach)

If you kept the 2008Celtics intact, removed every foreigner from the league,relocatedtwelveteamstoacompetingleague,allowedthemtowreakhavocinadilutedNBAandgavethemaFinalsopponentmissingitscenterandcaptain(the2008 equivalent ofWillisReed),would theyhave finishedbetter than81–16?Yes.Theanswerisyes.Soyoucan’tforgethowincompetentthaterawas.Inathree-seasonspan,the’70Knicks,’71Bucksand’72Lakersrippedofffourofthe seven longestwinning streaks of all time (33, 20 and 18). 35 If youwereevenalittleloaded,inawatered-downleaguestrugglingtoreplenishitsyoungtalent thatmadeyou super-duper-duper-duper loaded.With that said, their33-gamestreakremainsdumbfounding,andtheycertainlytookcareofbusinessintheregularseason.Theplayoffs?Notsomuch.It’salsohardformetoreconcilethefactthattheirbesttwoplayers—WestandWilt—wereatthetailendoftheircareers.Not even their primes… their careers. It’s a little reminiscent of theStockton-Malone era peaking late for reasons that had nothing to do withStocktonorMalone.Anyway,Iwouldhavebumpedthemtohonorablementionif not for that inconceivable streak.When nobody can approach 70-percent ofyourrecord,thatrecordprobablyisn’tgoinganywhereforawhile.

8.THE’83PHILADELPHIA76ERS

Regular season (65–17): peak of 57–9…35–6 at home…7.7PD (112.1–104.4)…13–7

vs.50-winteams…winningstreaks:14+10

Playoffs(12–1):7–0athome…5.9SD(105.8–99.9)…4double-digitwins…closeoutgamemarginsof3,12+7…followingseason:lostinroundone(Phillyin5).

Cast & Crew: Moses (super-duper star); Julius Erving, Andrew Toney(superwingmen); Mo Cheeks (wingman); Bobby Jones (6th man); ClintRichardson, Clemon Johnson, Marc Iavaroni (role players);36 BillyCunningham(coach)

MyvoteforMostOverratedGreatTeam.Youhadthefollowingthingsinplay:TheCelticsturnedagainstacerbiccoachBillFitch37…JamesWorthybrokehisleg andmissed the last fourmonths of theLakers season 38…LarryBrownkilleda49-winNetsteambyboltingtoKansaswithsixgamesleftintheseason…theotherthree49-pluswinteams(Milwaukee,SAandPhoenix)weren’tevenremotely threats… cocaine had ravaged the league and sapped the talents ofsome key stars… and the Sixers were a textbook Level One team. I’m notarguing the season itself asmuchas its ceiling;whenyouconsider thatPhillyhadMosesinhisprime,DocandBobbyat the tailend,Toneyemergingasanunstoppableoffensiveforce,andMoCheeksdoingMoCheeksthings,aswellasan overwhelming amount of motivation, of course they were going to looksplendidthatyear.Especiallywhentheywerehandedagift-wrappeddecimatedLakersopponentmissingWorthy,NixonandMcAdoobyGame4oftheFinals.Youknow,onlythreeoftheirfivebestplayers.

Here’s thequestionweneed toask: removing theSixers from that seasonandmatching them against other superteams, what would happen? They certainlyweren’tgreatdefensively;onlyCheeksandJoneswereaboveaverageandJoneswasalmostcooked.(Don’taskmewhowouldhavedefendedMcHale,Duncan,Jordan,Kobe or Bird on this team because I have no clue.)Mosesmay havebeen one of the best rebounders ever (averaging a sterling 26–16 in thePlayoffs),but any teamwith size (like the ’86Celts, for instance)wouldhavetoyed with Philly since they didn’t have any other big guys. Their outside

shooting wasmore than a little sketchy; only Cheeks and Toney could makeanythingbeyond15feet,andnobodyhadthree-pointrange.Nottobelaborthepointabouttheircrummysupportingcast,butdidwementionthatthe’83Sixersstarted Marc Iavaroni, a homeless man’s Kurt Rambis who wouldn’t havesniffedanine-manrotationonacontenderevensixyearslater?39

Howdoweknowforsurethatthe’83Sixerswereoverrated?Lookattheirtitle“defense,”whentheyreturnedeveryonefromtheirtopeightandcouldn’tgetoutof the first round.And it’snot like the ’84Celticsknocked themout.Nope, itwasthe’84NetswithMikeGminski,AlbertKing,BuckWilliamsandasober-for-a-few-weeksMichealRayRichardson…andtheNetsfoughtbackfroma2–0deficittowinthreestraight(includingGame5intheSpectrum).Partofbeingagreatchampionisdefendingthattitle,right?What’sworsethanbowinginthefirst round to Sugar and the Nets when you’re healthy? Was there a moreappallingtitledefenseinthepastthirty-fiveyearswiththepossibleexceptionoftheIronSheiklosingtheWWEtitleinfiveweeks?40Andsincetheleaguewasconsiderablystrongerin’84—L.A.hadWorthyback(androokieByronScott),the Celtics were running on all cylinders again, Bernard and Sugar hadrejuvenatedtheNewYork–areateams,youngerathleticfoeslikeDetroit,DallasandAtlantawerestarting toget frisky—the turd thatPhillydropped in the’84punchbowlhastocountforthelegacyofthe’83

Sixers.Theyweretheclassic“rightplace,righttime”teamandyoucan’ttellmedifferently.

7.THE’71MILWAUKEEBUCKS

Regularseason(66–16):peakof64–11…34–2athome…12.2SD(118.4–106.2)…led leagueinFG%(51%),defensiveFG%(42%),points(9,710),assists(27.4)…13–8vs.48-winteams41…longestwinningstreaks:20+16

Playoffs(12–2):8–0athome…14.5SD(109.1–94.6)…11double-digitwins

…49.7%

FG,72.1%FT…closeoutgamemarginsof50,18,+12…followingseason:lostinWesternFinals(Lakersin6)

CastandCrew:KareemAbdul-Jabbar(super-duperstar,32–16–3);OscarRobertson (super wingman); Bobby Dandridge (wingman); JonMcGlocklin, Greg Smith, Bob Boozer, Lucius Allen (supporting cast);LarryCostello(coach)

Starttofinish,thiswasthegreatestNBAseasononpaper.Youcan’tdobetter.They had two of the ten best basketball players ever, one juuuuuust past hisprime(Oscar),theothernearingtheheightofhispowers(Kareem).Duringtheregularseason,theyledtheleagueineveryrelevantcategory,finishedwiththethird-highest point differential ever and ripped off two killer winning streaks;theyeasily couldhavegotten70 if theyhadn’t clinched the top seed so early.They destroyed every playoff opponent and set a record for postseason pointdifferentialthatstillstands.42TheyswepttheFinalsandwoneverygamebyatleasteightpoints.AndtheyonlyblewtwohomegamesinMilwaukeeallyear,second only to the ’86 Celtics. Now that’s a resume! Nobody seriouslychallengedthemforninesolidmonths.Ofcourse,thatstupidSilverAnniversarypanelvotedforthe’67Sixersoverthe’71BucksasBestTeamoftheFirst25Yearsbecause…umm…Icouldn’tpossiblytellyouwhy.ThatwasadoublyindefensiblepickinthatRussell’sCelticsweretheonlylogicalchoice,butifyouweredumbenoughtolookelsewhere,thenyouhadtotakethe’71

Bucks.

So why not stick them higher? Because that diluted era from 1969 to 1976rewardedanyteamwithtwogreatplayers(Kareem-Oscar,Wilt-Jerry,Cowens-Hondo, whomever). Because basketball just wasn’t fast enough or athleticenoughyet.Because theycaughtafewsignificantbreaks thatyear: theLakerslostElginandWestfortheplayoffs,theCelticsweren’treadyyet,thedefendingchampschokedawaytheEasternFinalsathomeandthe42–40Bulletsplayedin

the Finals without an injured Gus Johnson. Add everything up and the teamprobablywasn’t asgreat as it looksonpaper.Nomatter.Wecan’t stick themlowerthanseventh.

6.THE’97CHICAGOBULLS

Regularseason(69–13):peakof68–10…39–2athome…10.8SD(103.1–92.3)…19–9

vs.50-winteams…winningstreaks:12+9

Playoffs(15–4):10–1athome…5.5SD(92.5–87.0)…6double-digitwins…43.2%FG,31.9%3FG…closeoutmargins:1,15,13,+4…followingseason:wontitle(beatJazzin6)

Cast and crew:Michael Jordan (super-duper star), Scottie Pippen (superwingman),DennisRodman (wingman), ToniKukoc, BrianWilliams, LucLongley,SteveKerr,RonHarper(roleplayers),PhilJackson(coach)

Ineligiblefor the topfivebecauseofa“can’t include teamsfromback-to-backyears”rulethatIjustmadeuptensecondsago.AlthoughtheywereworndownbytheFinalsafterplaying200

games(notcountingexhibition)intwentymonths.Withanoversizedbull’s-eyeon their backs. With every contender gunning for them. With a gargantuanmediahordegreetingthemineverycity.Withsold-outarenasoffansaroundthecountry saying happily, “I’m going to see the Bulls tonight!” When yourememberhowcolossalJordan(andtheteamtoalesserextent)wascomparedtothe other sports at the time—hockeywas dying, baseball was still recoveringfromadamagingstrike,collegehoopswasgettingmurderedbyunderclassmen

leavingtoosoon,tennishadnobody,Tigerwasjustbreakingontothegolfscenebut wasn’t Tiger Woods yet, and only football had real star power (Elway,Favre, Sanders, and others)—that ’97 Bulls team meant more to the sportslandscapethananyoneremembers.Iftheywerelikerockstars(andtheywereinmanyrespects),thenthattwo-seasonstretchwaslikeoneofU2’stwenty-monthconcerttoursthatspanstwohundredcitiesandthirty-fivecountries.Theywereclearlywearingdownbytheendofthetour(orinthiscase,the’97Finals).YoucanseeitineveryJazz-BullsreplayonESPNClassicorNBATV.Lookforthiswhenyou’renotconcentratingonhowrattledKarlMalonewas.

5.THE’01LAKERS

Regular season (56–26): 31–10 at home… 3.4 SD (100.6–97.2)… longestwinningstreak:8

Playoffs(15–1):12.8SD(103.4–90.6)…46.7%FG,38.6%3FG,67.6%FT,15.0stocks

…9double-digitwins…onlyloss:overtime(Game1,Philly)…followingseason:wontitle(beatNetsin4)

Castand crew:Shaq (super-duper star),Kobe (superstar),RobertHorry,Derek Fisher,Rick Fox, Brian Shaw, Tyronn Lue, Ron Harper, HoraceGrant(roleplayers),PhilJackson(coach)

Anupsidepick thatdefies twoground rulesestablished justpagesearlier.Sueme. The Lakers had their regular season derailed by the Disease of More (aseason-threatening case), bad luck with injuries (Shaq and Kobe missed 23gamescombined)anda

so-predictable-that-nobody-even-bothered-to-take-credit-for-predicting-it alphadog battle as Kobe delved into petulant ballhog territory for the first time.43WitheveryonehealthybyMarch,Jacksonmentallycoerced/brainwashedKobebackintothefoldandtheLakersunleashedanall-timeKeyserSözeruninApril,winning 23 of their last 24 and coming within an OT loss in the Finals ofsweeping the entire NBA playoffs. 44 So if we’re trying to find the mostinvincibleteamofalltime,andtherewerelegitimatereasonsforwhytheLakerstookafewmonthstogetgoing…

Imean,wouldyouhavewantedtoplaytheseguysthatspring?Wehaven’tseenanything approaching Shaqobe in the 2001 Playoffs; 45 it’s the only time inNBA history that two top-twenty Pyramid guys joined forces as aninside/outsidecombowithbotheitherapproachingtheirprimesorenjoyingtheirprimes.CheckoutShaqobe’sregularseasonandplayoffnumbers.

GoodGod!Two42Clubberson the same title team?That’s theoneandonlytimeit’severhappened.Justforshitsandgiggles,let’scomparetheircombined42Clubaverage toeveryothermemorableone-twochampionshippunchsinceChamberlainandGreer combined for a jaw-dropping49.3 in the ’67Playoffs.Nobodytopped37.5otherthanthesetencombinations:

AgoodexampleofhowridiculousShaqobe’s’01postseasonwas:inthesecondround, you might remember them sweeping a quality Kings team. TheyprevailedbythreeinGame1,withShaqnotching44points(17for32FG),21reboundsand7blocks.TheywonGame2bysix,withShaqspringingfora43–20–3.InSacramentoforGame3,Kobedropped36andShaqaddedaquiet21–18inatwenty-two-pointdrubbing.Theyfinishedthesweepwithasix-pointwinasKobeplayedthebestall-aroundgameofhiscareer:48points,16rebounds,15-for-29 from the field and 17-for-19 from the line with no less than DougChristie (one first-team All-Defense and three second teams from 2001–4)guardinghim.Again,thiswasareallygoodKingsteamwiththebestcrowdintheleague…andtheLakersblewthemoutoftheirownbuildinglikeFartman.Infact, the’01Lakersswepta50-winBlazers team(thatnearlybeat themthepreviousspring),a55-winKingsteam(thatalmostbeatthem12monthslater),and a 58-winSpurs team (thatwon three titles in the next six years), 46 thencamewithinanovertimelossofsweepingthe56-winSixers.The’01

Lakerswere theonlyNBA team tobeat four straight 50-winplayoff teams towinachampionship.Howdoesthat15–1soundnow?

Onemorething:IfyouwerecreatingtheperfectShaqobeteam,you’dsurroundthemwitheliteroleplayerslikeHorry,Fox,Fisher,ShawandGrant;you’dgivethem Phil Jackson for the Zen/harmony stuff; you’d definitely want 2000 or2001 Shaq; and you’d want 2001 Kobe (only twenty-two with a ring andvaluableplayoffexperience,backwhenhisegohadn’teruptedyetandhewascloser toYoungPippenthanYoungMJ).The2001Kobemighthavebeenthe

greatest second banana of all time; teaming himwith a twenty-eight-year-oldShaqwasalmostcriminal.Matchingthemupagainstthe’96Bulls:

Center:Shaqvs.Longley

Forwards:Horry+Harpervs.Rodman+Pippen

Guards:Kobe+Fishervs.Jordan+Harper

Bench: Grant, Lue, Shaw + Fox vs. Kukoc, Kerr, Wennington + BuechlerCoach:Jacksonvs.Jackson

Wouldyoutakethe’01Lakersinthatseries?Ifeel likeIwould—theywereabetterversionofthe

’95MagicteamthattoppedtheBulls.Butwhataboutthe’86Celtics?

Center:Shaqvs.Parish

Forwards:Horry+Harpervs.Bird+McHale

Guards:Kobe+Fishervs.Johnson+Ainge

Bench:Grant,Lue,Shaw+Foxvs.Walton,Wedman,Sichting+KiteCoach:Jacksonvs.KCJones47

Don’t you think the ’86 Celtics swallow them up? They’d have two Hall ofFamecenterstothrowatShaq,aHallofFamedefensiveguardtothrowatKobe,anda scoringmismatchwithBird/McHale against theGuyWho’sNotRobertHorry.The’86Celticswerevulnerableagainstspeedypointguardsandathleticsmall forwards and the ’01 Lakers didn’t have anyone fitting either of thosecategories.Eitherway, theywere thebest teamof the last twelveyearsand inthetopfiveofalltimeregardlessofhowlatetheygotgoing.Shit,willweever

seetwotop-twentyPyramidguysplayingonthesameteamintheirprimesagaininourlifetimes?

(Insert soundof everyKnicks fan screaming, “Yes!Starting in2011!Wewillseethisagain!Idon’tknowthecombinationofguys,butwewillseethisagain!Yessssssss!”)

4:THE’89DETROITPISTONS

Regularseason(63–19)…37–4athome…5.8PD(106.6–100.8)…49.4%FG,44.7

defensiveFG…16–12vs.50-winteams

Playoffs(15–2):8–1athome48…6double-digitwins…9.5PD(100.6–92.9)…closeoutmargins:15,2,9,+8(allonroad)…followingseason:wontitle(beatPortlandin5)

Castandcrew:Isiah(superstar);JoeDumars,DennisRodman(wingmen);VinnieJohnson (sixthman); Bill Laimbeer, John Salley, JamesEdwards,RickMahorn,MarkAguirre(supportingcast);ChuckDaly(coach)

NottechnicallyaLevelOneteamsincetheywerehardenedbycrushinglossesin’87(Boston)and

’88 (Lakers). No NBA champ had more versatility and toughness: they werephysical as hell; they could execute a fast break or half-court offense equallywell;theyplayeddefenseaswellasanyonewiththeexceptionofthe’08Celtics

and the ’96–’ 97 Bulls; they controlled the boards; they could exploit anymismatch; and they always seemed to have two different hot players goingoffensively.FansunfairlydiscountedIsiah’sPistonsbecausetheycouldn’tbeatBostonor theLakersat theirpeaks—eventhoughtheydefeatedJordan’sBullstwiceandwonback-to-backtitles—andbecausetheylackedadominantcenteror super-duper star, which confused everyone who didn’t follow basketballobsessively.Ihatedthesebastardsbutgrewtorespecttheirhard-nosedswagger;theyneverallowedlayupsordunks,nevergaveaninch,neverstoppedfightingand didn’t care if they maimed you as long as they won. Their relentlesscompetitiveness brought out the worst in opponents; I always found itfascinating that, for a team that endedup in somany fights, thePistonsneverthrew the first punch or had the most enraged guy in the brawl. And if youremember, the ’87Celtics and ’88Lakers spent somuchenergy fending themoffthattheywereneverthesameafterward.

Somuchofwhat thePistons accomplishedwasbasedon intimidation and theunderstanding that they’d do whatever it took to win, even if it meantintentionallysteppingonMcHale’sbrokenfoot(whichMahorndidrepeatedlyin’87) or hammering Jordan and Pippen during their forays to the basket. Forthem,thementalgamewasbiggerthananything.Ifyouwerefrustratedbytheirelbowsandshoves,ifyouwereafraidofgettingclockedeverytimeyoudrovetothe basket, if you were obsessing over punching Laimbeer instead of justthinkingaboutwaystobeathim…thentheyhadyou.That’swhattheywanted.You could say they figured out a loophole in the system, and after Pat Rileyexploited that loophole even furtherwith his bullyingKnicks teams, theNBAfinally stepped in and instituted taunting/fighting penalties and a system forflagrantfouls.49Ifwe’rejudgingthe’89Pistonsagainstotherlandmarkteams,thequestionremains:wouldtheyhavesucceededtothatdegreewith2009rulesin place? Probably not. But they were sointelligent/competitive/versatile/bloodthirsty that those particular qualitiestranslatetoanyera.

Onebummerfortheseguys:1989–90wasatransitionperiodwiththeBirdEraslowingdown,theKareemEraending,theJordanEranottotallyrollingyet,theStockton-Malone Era stalling, the Hakeem era floundering, the

Ewing/Robinson/Barkleypeaks still a fewyears away, andonly theBulls andBlazers rounding into legitimate contenders. The Pistons filled a void of sortsandbecametheLarryHolmesofNBAchamps:unliked,resentedandultimatelydismissed.Wewanted themtogoawayandeventually, likeHolmes, theydid.But likeHolmes,whenyouwatch thoseold tapesyouendup thinking,“Man,thoseguyswerereallygood.”50

3:THE’87L.A.LAKERS

Regularseason(65–17):peakof65–15…37–4athome…9.3SD(117.8–108.5)…12–6

vs.50-winteams…51.6FG%,78.9%FT…winningstreaks:11+10

Playoffs (15–3):10–0athome…11.4SD (120.6–109.2)…10double-digitwins…52.2%

FG,78.5%FT,36.1%3FG,28.2APG,14.4stocks…closeoutgamemarginsof37,12,31,

+13…followingseason:wontitle(beatDetroitin7)

Cast and crew: Magic (super-duper star); Kareem + Worthy (superwingmen);MichaelCooper(sixthman);ByronScott,A.C.Green,MychalThompson,KurtRambis(supportingcast);PatRiley(coach)

HowdoweknowthiswasMagic’sbestLakersteam?HesaidsohimselfaftertheFinals:“There’snoquestionthisisthebestteamI’veplayedon.It’sfast,itcanshootandrebound,ithasinsidepeople,ithaseverything.I’veneverplayedonateamthathadeverythingbefore.”51Heleftoutthebiggestreason:Magic

jumpedalevelandcruisedtohisfirstMVP,submittinghisbeststatisticalyear(regularseason:24–6–12;playoffs:22–8–12,53%FGandanimpossible78–13

assist/turnover ratio in theFinals)andgentlyyankingcontrol fromadecliningKareem.TheirhumiliatingRocketsdefeatqualifiedthemforLevelThreestatus;italsohelpedthattheygotfasterinsteadofbigger,dumpingMauriceLucasandMitchKupchak,handingtheirminutestoGreenandRambisandroutinelygoingsmallball with Magic-Scott-Coop-Worthy-Kareem. They mastered the art ofjuggling transition and half-court offense, running on every opportunity andwaitingforKareemtodraghisassupthecourtotherwise.Fromthere,theyhadthreedevastatingoptions:Kareempostingup,Magicpostingup(anewwrinkle)orWorthy facingupandbeatingslower forwardsoff thedribble.Andof theirtwo glaring weaknesses (defending quick point guards or dominant low-postscorers),onewasmiraculouslysolvedwhenSanAntoniogift-wrappedMychalThompsonandFedExedhimtothemfortheirstretchrun.

TheThompson tradewouldhave sparked an Internet riot if it happened today(takehoweveryonereactedtothePauGasolhijacking,thensquareit):theSpurswere 18–31 and considering a full-fledged tank jobwith the David Robinsonsweepstakes looming, unwilling to pay $1.4 million combined for ThompsonandadecomposingArtisGilmore.LakersGMJerryWestbarraged themwithThompson offers for a solid month, finally landing him for a pu-pu platterdeluxeofferofFrankBrickowski,PeturGudmundsson,a1987first-roundpick(destined tobe last)andcash.Everyonewentcrazy,andrightlyso:Thompsonwasa formernumberoneoverallpickandoneof the league’sbetter low-postdefenders.52Within a week of the trade, Thompson played crunch time in aCBSgameagainstPhillyaseveryonecollectivelysaid,“MyGod,whatthehelljusthappened?”Thompsonearned22minutespergame in theplayoffs, restedKareemforchunksoftime,gaveMcHalefitsandmadethemostunderratedplayoftheFinals:whenhejumpedoverParishandMcHaleinGame4(foul!foul!)and causedKareem’s pivotal free throw to bounce off their hands, setting thestageforMagic’ssoul-wrenchingbabyhook.53TheLakersalsobenefittedfromLennyBias’suddendeath,arashofBostoninjuries,Houston’suntimelydemiseand the up-and-coming Mavericks (55 wins, 3–2 against the Lakers)unexpectedlychokinginthefirstroundoneagainstSeattle.54Sincetheplayoffsexpanded to sixteen teams in 1977, no Finals team ever played three worseconference opponents than the ’87 Lakers: in this case, the 37-win Nuggets

(round1),42-winWarriors(round2)and39-winSonics(round3).Meanwhile,the banged-up Celtics faced MJ’s 40-win Bulls and endured seven-gameslugfestsagainstaveteran50-winBucksteamandthe52-winPistons.Gee,whodoyouthinkwasfresherfortheFinals?

And that’s what makes ranking the ’87 Lakers so difficult. Yes, they were agreat teamledbyoneof thefivebestplayerseverathiszenith.Yes, theyhadoneoftheonlycoachesthatmattered.Yes,thiswasthebestLakersteamoftheMagic era. Yes, they caught a series of breaks. Yes, they had some flaws.Ultimately,theyhavetoberankedthirdfortworeasons:

• Defensively, they were somewhere between okay and good—sixth inopponent’sFG

percentage,twelfthinpointsallowed,fourteenthinforcingturnoversandlastindefensiverebounds.KareemandMagicwereliabilities.ByronScottwasokay.GreenandWorthyweregood,notgreat.OnlyCooperandThompsonwereelite.Theycouldn’t lock teamsdownorsweep theboards,andquickerpointguardsroutinelylitthemuplikenothingwe’veseensince…oh,wait,weseeiteverynightwithwhomever JasonKiddandSteveNashareguarding.But rememberSleepy Floyd decimating the ’87 Lakers for one of the all-time memorablescoringexplosions:34pointsinthefinal11minutesofGame4,13for14fromthefield,nothrees,noshotsfrommorethan15feet,eightshotsfrom3feetorless (six in traffic)? 55 Or Stockton, Isiah, Dumars, KJ and Hardaway goingbonkers against them in later years? As many matchup problems as Magiccaused offensively, he caused nearly the same number defensively. Againstbiggerbackcourtslikethe’87Celticsor’87

Sonics, it didn’t matter. Against elite penetrators/distributors? It mattered.CooperandScott couldn’tguard thoseguys;neither couldMagic.Sowhatdoyoudo?Take thehitsononeendandoutscore themon theother.Andfor themostpart, that’swhattheLakersdid.Butthat’saprettyglaringweakness,no?And we haven’t even acknowledged Kareem’s vulnerability against thoseexplosiveHakeem/Tarpleytypes(noneofwhomfacedL.A.inthe’87Playoffs).I know it’s nitpicking, butwe can’t see thewords “glaringweakness” in any

capacitywiththeGreatestNBATeamEver.

•EvenwithLarryBirddraggingthecarcassofaneleven-manrosterintothe’87Finals (five of the top sevenwere either injured or unable to play),56Bostoncamewithin a late-game collapse, a terrible break on a rebound, two sketchycallsandBird’sdesperationthreemissingby1/55,000thofaninchoftyingtheseriesat2–2.Andyeah,youcouldargue that theGardenwilled theCeltics tothose two home victories in the Finals. But when you consider the physicalconditionofthatBostonteam—Imean,DarrenDaye(Game4,Milwaukee)andGregKite(Game3,Finals)hadsignatureplayoffmomentsforthe’87

Celtics—it’s hard to understandwhy theBest Lakers Team of theMagic Eradidn’tsweepthemoratleastfinishtheminfive.TheysouredcriticsjustenoughthatJackMcCallumwroteaftertheFinals,“Theymaynotbe‘oneofthegreatestteamsever,’aphrasethatwasbandiedaboutaftertheydevastatedthedefending-championCeltics inGames1and2.But theyare, assuredly, the league’sbestteam this season.”Damningpraise. I actually think the ’87Lakerswerebetterthan that; nobody blended transition and half-court better, and Magic hadbecome a cold-blooded killer of the highest order. But they wouldn’t havebeatenthesenexttwoteams.

2.The’96ChicagoBulls

Regularseason(72–10):peakof71–9…39–2athome…12.3SD(105.2–92.9)…1stinpointsscored,2ndinpointsallowed…47.8FG%(7th),74.6FT%(14th),44.7RPG

(4th), 24.7 APG (7th) … 12–4 vs. 49-win teams … 2 double-digit losses(fewestever)…

bestwinningstreaks:18+13

Playoffs(15–3):10–0athome…10.6SD(97.4–86.8)…fourthinPPG,1stinPPG

allowed…10double-digitwins…44.3%FG(8th),73.8%FT(7th),30.4%3FG(11th),35.7RPG,22.7APG,13.7stocks…closeoutwins:21,13,5,+12…followingseason:wontitle(beatUtahin6)

Cast and crew:Michael Jordan (super-duper star), Scottie Pippen (superwingman), Dennis Rodman (wingman), Toni Kukoc, Luc Longley, SteveKerr,RonHarper,BillWennington(roleplayers),PhilJackson(coach)

“Numbertwo?”you’resaying.“Numbertwo?Ateamthatwent87–13?Really?You’rethatmuchofahomer?”AreyoureallyaskingthatafterIdroppedBirdbelowMagicinmyPyramid?TherearespecificreasonsfordroppingtheBullstono.2,including…

•They took full advantageof theWeOverexpandedandOverpaidEverybodyera(1994–99).WasitacoincidencethatChicagobangedout72winsduringthesame seasonwhen (a) theAssociation expanded toVancouver andMinnesotaand(b)sixteamswon26

gamesorfewer(comparedtotwoin1986)?HowdoyouexplainUtahaveraging52winsfrom’91to’93,then61winsfrom’96to’98…eventhoughtheyhadaworse team and their two starswere in theirmid-thirties?You don’t find thisfishy?AsBirdtoldSIin’97,

“TheleagueisalotmorewatereddownthanwhenIplayed,soifyouhaveastarlikeMichaelJordantoday,youruletheleague.Onceheleaves,thingswilllevelout.”

•Jordanturnedthirty-threethisseasonwithover800games(includingplayoffs)alreadyonhisNBAodomoter.Pippenturnedthirtybeforethisseasonandhitthe800-gamemark during it. Rodman turned thirty-five that season. Ron Harperturned thirty-two. Of their top five guys, only Kukoc was in his prime. Andthat’swhyevendie-hardChicagofanswouldconcedethattheSistineChapeloftheJordan-Pippenerawasreachedduringthe’92

season,whenayounger,deeperBullsteamplayedtworelativelyperfectgames:Game7

vs.NewYork(110–81final,42forMJ,a17–11–11forScottie,a58%–38%FGdisparity) andGame1vs.Portland (122–89 final, 63points and21assists forMJ/Pippen).The’96

Bulls had a few postseason blowouts; none resonated like those two. And itcomesdowntotheagething:PippenandJordanwerejustbetterin’92.Nobodyremembersanyoftheir

’96playoffgamesbecausetheircompetitionwasweak,butalsobecauseJordanand Pippen weren’t as breathtaking anymore (like Wilt and West in ’72,actually).Theyweresmarterabouttheirgamesandbodies,betterteammatesandleaders,moreefficientinmyriadways,demoralizingdefensively…butJordanpeakedfrom’91to’93andPippenpeakedfrom’92to’94.Thestatsbackitupandsodothetapes.

•TheBullsdidn’tplayparticularlywell (for them) in theplayoffs,missing70percent of their threes andgetting subpar offensiveperformances fromPippen(39%FG,64%FT),Kukoc(39%FG,missed55of68threes)andKerr(32%onthrees).57EvenJordansubmittedhisworstcareerplayoffnumbersofany titleseason(31–5–4,46%FG).IwantmyGreatestTeamEvertoleavemethinkingafter thePlayoffs,“Notonlycouldtheynothaveplayedbetter,Iwillprobablyneverseeanotherteamplaybetterthanthatinmylife.”

YoudidnotfeelthatwayabouttheBullsafterthe’96Playoffs.Ifanything,youwerewonderingiftheSonicscouldhavestretchedittosevenhadGaryPaytonbeendefendingJordanallseries.

• Can you really have a Greatest Team Ever that featured so many rejects,castoffs, role players, and past-their-primers? Their third scorerwasKukoc, afrustratingly soft forwardwithconsiderablegifts (terrificpasser, streaky three-point shooter,post-uppotential)whonever totallydelivered for them.58Theircenter combination? Longley and Wennington. (If you’re telling me that theGreatestNBATeamEvershouldhaveacentercombothataveraged12pointsand6reboundsagame,providednolow-postthreatandlittleshotblockingandfloundered asNBA players before and after playingwith Jordan/Pippen, thenyou have lower expectations for this stuff than I do.) Kerr frequently played

crunch time,whichwas fine because he stretched defenses andwas aHall ofFamecooler…buthe’sanotheronewhostruggledmightilyinthebefore/afterportionsofhisPippen/Jordanexperience.59Harperwasaterrificdefenderwhohobbledaroundonabadknee(theplayersevenjokinglycalledhim“PegLeg”)andcouldn’tshootthreesorcreatehisownshot.Andtheirninthandtenthmenwere Jud Buechler and Randy Brown. Enough said. So if you’re scoring athome, 70 percent of their ten-man rotation never made an All-Star team,averaged7reboundsagameorplayedforfewerthanfourteams.60

•OperatingunderBobRyan’s time-testedMartianPremise—that is,a teamofhighlyskilledalienslandonearthandchallengeustoaseven-gamebasketballserieswiththefutureofmankindatstake—areyoureallysayingyou’dgotowarwith Longley and Wennington as your centers? 61 The dirty little secret ofJordan’ssixtitleseasons(twenty-fourseriesinall)washisastoundingluckwithopposing centers: Ewing (four times), Brad Daugherty (twice), AlonzoMourning (twice),GregOstertag (twice),VladeDivac (twice),MikeGminski,Bill Laimbeer, Rony Seikaly, Kevin Duckworth, Kevin Willis, Mark West,Shaq,SamPerkins,GheorgeMuresan,DikembeMutombo,JaysonWilliamsandRik Smits.He never battled two of that decade’s dominant bigmen (HakeemandRobinson)andonlyfacedthethirdone(Shaq)twice.WasitacoincidencethatChicago’sfourtoughestseriesfrom1991to1998wereagainstqualitylow-postcenters:Ewing(’92and’93),Shaq(’95,whentheylost)andSmits(’98)?Shaq,HakeemandRobinsonplayedeightgamesagainstthe’96Bulls(includingplayoffs) and averaged a 27–11 on 58 percent shooting. The 47-win Knicksplayedthemsurprisinglytoughinthesecondround—losingby7,11,3and13,and winning Game 3 in OT—with a sore-kneed Ewing averaging a 23–11.DuringOrlando’supsetthepreviousspring,Shaqblisteredthemfora23–22anda27–13inthedecidingcontests,averaginga24–14andshooting83freethrowsin six games.Well,what if theMartians had someone like Shaq orMoses intheirprime?Jordan’steamsneverneededadominantcentertowin,buttheyalsohadanuncannyknackforavoidingdominantcenters.Couldtheyhavehandledapowerhouse like the 2001 Lakers? Wouldn’t 2001 Shaq have feasted onLongley/Wennington the same way he feasted on Todd MacCulloch, VladeDivacandeveryoneelseinthatphylum?Isayyes,andifyou’reincorporatingtheMartianPremise,youhavetoassumetheMartianswouldbebetterthanthe2001Lakers.Ican’tgetpastthecenterissue.Ijustcan’t.

Addeverythingupand that72–10recorddoesn’tmakea tonofsense…untilyou remember that the ’94 Rockets ushered in the We Overexpanded andEveryone’sOverpaidEra.Suddenlyyouonlyneededtosurroundtwostudswiththe right role players. You needed good chemistry and the right coach, youneeded to stay healthy, you needed to play defense at a high level, and overeverything else, you needed the league’s dominant player. That was goodenough. And that’s not to belittle what the Bulls did; their 41–3 start ranksamong theall-time“holyshit”statistics inNBAhistory,andaswecovered inPippen’s Pyramid section, it was truly an experience to watch them play inperson. Their defensive prowess and collective confidence were almostunparalleled,andtheirabilitytomaintaintheirfocus/hungerastheybecamepartoftheday-to-daypopculturewhirlwind—nootherNBAteamdealtwithsuchahighlevelofscrutiny,mediaexposureandhystericaladmirationfromopposingfans,tothepointthatJordanwastrappedinhishotelonroadtripslikeoneoftheBeatles—remainstheirsinglemostimpressivequality.

Ifitwasn’tforoneundeniabletruth—namely,thatyouwouldhavehadtoshootJordanwithanelephantguntopreventhimfromwinningthetitlethatseason—Iprobablywouldhaveslidthe’96

Bullsdowntofourthfortheaforementionedreasons,aswellasthesoberingfactthattheywononlyeightmoregamesthanthe’96Sonics.IlikeastartingfiveofPayton,Kemp,HerseyHawkins,DetlefSchrempfandafadingSamPerkins…but 64–18 with no bench?62 How is that possible?What about San Antoniowinning fifty-nine games with Robinson, Elliott, Avery Johnson, Vinnie DelNegro,WillPerdue,afadingChuckPersonandawashed-upCharlesSmith?

Ican’tshakethisstuff.Justbecause the’96Bullshadthegreatestseasoneverandthegreatestplayereverdoesn’tmeantheyhadthegreatestteamever.Ifthatmakessense.Iswearitdoes.

NO.1:THE1986BOSTONCELTICS

Regularseason(67–15):peakof64–13…40–1athome…9.4SD(114.1–

104.7)…29.1

APG(2nd),46.4RPG(1st),50.8FG%(2nd),35.13FG%(1st),79.4%FT(2nd),46.1

defensiveFG%(1st)…18–2vs.49-winteams…3double-digitlosses(2nd-fewestever)

…bestwinningstreaks:14+13

Playoffs (15–3):10–0athome…10.6SD (114.4–104.1)…fourth inPPG,firstinPPG

allowed…11double-digitwins…50.7%FG(2nd),79.4%FT(1st),39.1%3FG(2nd),15.0stocks,45.1RPG,28.4APG(2nd)…closeoutwins:18,33,13,+17…followingseason:lostinFinals(L.A.in6)

Cast and crew: Larry Bird (super-duper star, 26–10–7–2, 50–90–42%);KevinMcHale (super wingman, 26–10, 60% FG); Robert Parish, DennisJohnson (wingmen); BillWalton (super-duper sixth man); Danny Ainge,ScottWedman,JerrySichting(supportingcast);KCJones(coach)

Let’s run through theGreatestTeamEverChecklist that I justmadeup thirty-sevensecondsago…

Pyramidguys.The ’86Celtshad fiveof the top sixty,withno.5 andno.38peakingthatspring:50.8PPG,17.9RPG,10.9APG,54%FG,45stealsand53blocks combined in 18 playoff games. Fellas, here are your GreatestInside/OutsideCombolifetimechampionshipbelts.Seriously,howdidyoustopthem?Bird threwworld-class entrypasses anddoubledas adead-eye shooter.McHalehadworld-classlow-postmovesandcommandeddoublesandtriplesatalltimes.Whatcouldyoudo?Teamsbe-grudginglysettledondoublingMcHale

withaguardandkeepingsomeoneonBird,whichmeantJohnsonandAingegottoshootwide-open15-footersallgame.(Notwide-openthrees…wide-open15-footers.)ThrowintheParish/Waltoncenterduo(24.9

PPG,15.2RPG,3.1APG,42blocks)andtheCelticswerebasicallyannouncing,“Our front line is going to notch 75 points and 33 rebounds, protect the rim,shoot50-plusfromthefieldandhitwide-openshootersandcuttersallnight;youwillbe foolish todouble-teamanyof them,andyouwillnotgetabreak fromthemforfourquarters…goodluck.”63

Qualityofcompetition.Theleaguewastougherin’86than’96(fewerteams,deeper teams, lower salaries), so considering the ’86 Celts finished only fivewinsbehindthe’96Bulls(87–13

vs.82–18),canthosefiveextrawinsbeatttributedtoplayinginawatered-downleague with someone who was clearly the best player (and pathologicallycompetitivetoboot)?Absolutely.Althoughthe’86Celtswouldhavethrivedinahigh-caliberseason;theyfinished18–2against49-winteams(30–5includingplayoffs) but slacked against easier competition, with twelve of their fifteenregularseasonlossescomingagainstsub-.500teams.64Goingagainstasteadystreamof’96creampuffs,aboredBirdwouldhavespentweeksatatimeseeinghowmany30-footershecouldmakeorshootingonlywithhislefthand.

Extended stretch of dominance. The C’s didn’t get rolling until JanuarybecauseofBird’ssoreback.Assoonasheroundedintoshape,theyrippedoffa39–5 stretch that included an 11–0 mark against the Lakers, Sixers, Bucks,HawksandRockets(withatleastoneroadwinovereach).I’dsaythatqualifiesasahotstreak.

Playoffrun.Surprisinglygoodconsidering the talent that season. Jordanwentbonkers in the first round (49 inGame1, 63 inGame2), but theCeltics stillswepttheseries.Theyblewasecond-roundsweepagainstthefriskyHawks(50wins,superathletic,ledbytherunner-upMVP

pick), thenexactedrevengewithoneof theall-timecloseoutass-whuppings inGame 5. They swept a 57-win Bucks team in the Eastern Finals andconvincingly handled amildly terrifyingRockets team in the Finals.You leftthatPlayoffsrunthinking,“Wow,thoseguyscouldn’thaveplayedanybetter.”That’swhatwewant,right?

Homecourt advantage.Forget about the record-setting 50–1mark (includingPlayoffs) for a second. Did you know the Celtics nearly went undefeated athomefortwelvestraightmonths?

AfterlosingtoPortlandonDecember6,1985,theywon55straighthomegames(including Playoffs and the first seven of the next season) beforeWashingtonbeatthemonDecember2,1986.Ofthose55straightwins,only3weredecidedbyfourorfewerpoints;40ofthe55werebydoubledigits,11bymorethan20,and five by more than 30. In the ’86 playoffs, only Jordan’s 63-point gamerobbedtheCelticsofwinningall10homegamesbydoubledigits.WhenIsaynobodywas touching these guys at home, Imean,nobodywas touching theseguysathome.Youhaveabetter chanceof seeinganothermulti-permedNBAcoachingstaffthanseeinganotherNBAteamwin55straighthomegamesintheluxuryboxera.65Noway.Itwillneverhappen.

Unintentional comedy.The Celts set the standard in three dopey categories:Best Whitewash Ever (Walton, Bird, McHale, Ainge and Wedman, withSichting, Kite and Carlisle off the bench); Strangest-Looking ChampionshipTeamEver,andConsistentlyClumsiestHighFivesEver.Everythingculminatedin an unforgettable high five/pseudo-hug/half-embrace between Walton andMcHale near the end of Game 6 of the ’86 Finals. Just an explosion ofabnomally long appendages, giant teeth, bad hairdos, hairy armpits and über-Caucasian awkwardness; it’s amazing theydidn’t clunkheads andknock eachotherunconscious.

Defensive/reboundingprowess.Topof the line in both categories.Youwerenotpoundingthe

’86Celticsdownloworontheboards.Period.NoteventheHakeem/RalphorChuck/Mosescomboscoulddoit.

Signature Playoffs performances.They played three ESPNClassic games—Game2vs.Chicago(Jordan’s63),Game4vs.Milwaukee(Bird’sfourthreesinthefinal4:03clinchedasweep)andGame4atHouston(legitimatelyexciting)—andthreeSistineChapelgames,alistthatincludesGame6ofthe’86Finals(theclincher),Game1vs.Milwaukee(128–96)andespeciallyGame5

vs.Atlanta,whichremainsthegreatesteviscerationinmodernPlayoffshistory:a36–6thirdquarterpunctuatedbya24–0runandthelongeststandingovationin NBA history. The Globe’s Bob Ryan called it a “scintillating display ofinterior defense, transition basketball and Globetrotter-like passing whichtransformed the game into something bordering on legitimate humiliation, butwhichneverdegeneratedintofarce…saythisfortheHawks:Atnopointduringthatsurrealisticthirdperioddidtheylosedignity.Theytriedhardatbothends.Theysimplycouldnotavoidbeinganaccidentofbasketballhistory.”Andthat,myfriends,isaSistineChapelperformance.

Rewatchingitontape,whatstandsoutbeyondthecrowd(delirious),thepassing(exquisite)andthedefense(frenetic)wasthecumulativeeffectithadonAtlanta.MikeFratellocalledthreetimeoutstryingtostopthebleeding;bytheendofthequarter,theHawkswobbledbacktotheirbenchlikefiveguysescapingaviolentbarfight.(McHalewouldsaylater,“Idon’tthinkyou’lleverseeanotherquarterofbasketballlikethatagain.Imean,thelookonthefacesofthoseAtlantaguysleavingthefloorafterthegame,itwasliketheyhadjustbeeninawar.Itwasshell-shock. I think they couldn’t wait to get out of there. It was as close toperfectionasyouareevergoingtosee.”)Andit’snotlikethiswasabadHawksteam;theymatchedupfairlywellbecauseBostonhadtroubledefendingWilkinsand SpudWebb.66Didn’tmatter. They got blown out of the building.AingetoldPeterMaylater,“IcallittheWayBasketballWasSupposedtoBePlayed.Thatwasmaybe themost impressive quarter ever played.Atlanta just had nosniff.”Thetapeconfirmsthis.Trulygreat teamscansmellbloodandraise italevel;youcanseeithappening,thefansrecognizeit,theannouncersrecognizeit,theguysonthebenchrecognizeit,andeventheguysplayingrecognizeit.At

onepoint,DJ just startshappilyhoppingupanddownafteryetanother layup,like even he can’t believe what’s happening. Great moment, transcendantquarter,unforgettableteam.

Biggest flaw. The Sichting/Thirdkill spots could have been better. KC Jonesinflicted minimal damage other than killing Sam Vincent’s confidence. Butwe’re justpickingnits. In the fictional round-robin,mybiggestconcernwouldbe their lack of three-point attempts.Nobodywas launching them in themid-eighties;wouldn’tmoderndefensiveteamsdoubleMcHaleandBirdalittlemorequickly? Then again, Bird and Ainge became killer three-point shooters andWedmancertainlyhad therange,so ina fictional tournament, theycouldhaveadjusted.Right?Myheadhurts.

Dirk Diggler factor. In other words, could they adapt to every conceivablestyle?Theanswerisyes.Theyevenhadonewrinklethatmortifiedopponents:asupersized lineup with a front line of Parish, McHale andWalton, then Birdplayingguardonoffense(whichcouldhappenbecauseMcHaletheFreakcoulddefendalmostanytwo-guard).Everytimetheyplayedthosefourguystogetheratonce,youmoved to theedgeofyour seat.On the flip side, theycouldalsohandle smallball with Bird-DJ-Ainge-Wedman-McHale, or even Sichting inWedman’splaceandDJ

playingsmallforward.Youcouldnotthrowanopponentatthemfromanypointinhistorythattheywouldn’thavehandled.KindalikeDirkDiggler.67

Alphadog.FromJanuarytoJune,Birdpeakedasabasketballplayer.Evensaidsohimself,commentingafterGame6oftheFinals,“ThatwastheonlygameIthoughtIwas totallypreparedfor.Asfarasfocuswasconcerned,nonebetter.Never.Ishouldhavequitrightthere.”Youthinkathirty-three-year-oldMJsaidthatatanypointin1996?

Titledefense.The’87Playoffsmayhavesetthestandardfor“togetridofus,

you’regoing tohave tochopourheadoff likewe’reJason inFriday the13thbecausethat’stheonlywaywe’redying”titledefenses.Seetheprologueforthegorydetails.

Chemistry and swagger.Top of the line. No team loved busting balls morethan these guys. They killedWalton for his speech impediment,made fun ofMcHale’sgoofybody,rodeAingelikealittlebrother,teasedWedmanabouthisvegetariandiet…therewasn’tasinglebadapple,orsomeonewhodidn’thaveanexactunderstandingofhis role in the team’shierarchy.Pushingeverythingover the top were McHale and Ainge (two of the funniest guys who everplayed), Bird (the best trash-talker ever) and Walton (whose overexuberancedefinedtheseason).68Ifanything,theyhadtoomuchswaggerandneededtobechallengedattimes.Theirdefiningmoment:Game4

of theMilwaukeeseries,whenBirddisdainfullynailedhis fourth three in fourminutesatthebuzzer(thefirst-evereff-youthree)andjoggedoffthecourtlikehe had just banged everyone’s girlfriend in the stands. In the video of thatseason,Waltonrunsintothelockerroomscreaming,

“Lar-reeBird!Lar-reeeeeeBird!”We’veseenotherteamswinonthatlevel,butIcan’trememberanyofthemgettingmoreofakickfromit.

Trump card. I can’t go with passing because Magic’s Lakers were just asmemorableinthatdepartment.Solet’sgowiththis:RememberhowboxerslikeJulioCesarChavez,RobertoDuranorBernardHopkinswouldclosetheringonopponentsover thecourseofa fewrounds,andby theeighth round, suddenlytheotherguy looked likehewasfighting inaphoneboothandcouldn’tmovearound at all? That’swhat theCeltics did offensively. They pounded it downlow, kept rotating Bird/McHale/Parish/Walton on the low post, kept swingingthe ball, kept attacking mismatches, kept getting wide-open 20-footers—onlytheykeptinchingcloserandcloser,andbythesecondhalf,suddenlythose20-footerswere15-footers.(Likewatchingahockeyteampullitsgoalieandcrowdthenetwith forwards, but in this case the netwas the basket. In otherwords,they crowded the rim.)What’s interesting is that had this specific team comealongjustafewyearslater,AingeandBirdwouldhavebeengleefullybombing

wide-open threes, the spacing would have been better and that boxer/hockeydynamic wouldn’t have happened. Would this have made them even moreefficient offensively?Probably.But thiswasmemorable.Wewill never see itagain.It’stooeasytojustjackupthreesnow.

Biggest luxury.Every timeWalton loped off the bench for the first time, thecrowdstoodandcheered—partlybecausewelikedhim,partlybecauseitmeanthe andBirdwould do their “night at the Improv” routine.They experimentedthatwhole seasonwith various no-looks, pick-and-rolls and every other “onlywe are on this plane and see these angles” offensive play; even on tape twodecades later, it’s like seeing rare video of Biggie freestyling with Eminem.Theirfavoriteplay?

Birddumped theball in toWalton, then ranbyhim toward thebasket likehewasclearingout,onlyWaltonwouldquicklyfliptheballoverhisheadtoBirdforaneasy layup.Whenteamscaughton, theychanged theplaya little—nowBirdusedWalton(holdingtheball)topickhisguy,soeverythinghingedpost-passonwhetherheranbyWalton’srightsideorleftside(andeachtime,bothdefendershad toguess).Nobody could stop it. 69When teams floated a thirddefenderovertostopthem,hisguy(usuallyMcHale)justcuttothebasketforaneasylayupfromWalton.Andthat’showitwent.Waltononlyaveragedan8–7in18minutesagame,butthat’sreasonno.759

whystatisticsdon’ttellthestory.Seeingtwobasketballsavantscombiningtheironce-in-a-generationpassingskillswasthepicklefor thegreatestcheeseburgerofateameverassembled.

Killer instinct.They led by thirty-plus at some point in the fourth quarter orthree of four playoff clinchers. The fourth? The one where Bird rippedMilwaukee’s heart out with all those threes. And if that’s not enough, theydefeatedtheirmain threat in theWest(theLakers)both timesbydoubledigitsandtheirmainthreatsintheEast(Atlanta,MilwaukeeandPhilly)twenty-twooftwenty-fivetimes.Well,then.

Iconicrelevance(then).Yes.

Iconic relevance (now).Not as much. Yet another reason why we needed abooklikethis.70

1.“Anythangispossaaaaaaabulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!”

2. The answers, which I won’t bother to defend because I shouldn’t have towastemorethantheminimumwords:Emmitt;Gretzky;Ali;Montana;yes;no;no;yes;LeBronandSerenaWilliams.3.Onlyonepotentialscenariocoulddefythisstatement,anditinvolvesfiveifs:ifLeBronsignswithPortlandin2010;ifGregOdenstayshealthyandbecomesastudcenter;ifPortlandconsidersusingits resources tobuy late first-roundersand stashyoung foreignplayers; if theygetluckywithoneofthosemoves;andifBrandonRoy’skneescooperate.Vegasodds:75to1.4.Youprobablyrememberthefirsttimeyouhadsex.Like,allthedetails. Do you remember everything about the sixth time? What about theeighth?Or the eleventh?Been there, done that, right?But that first time… Imean, even twenty-five years later, I still remember everything about thatmagicalnightattheNeverlandRanch.

5.The’65Celticsdidn’thaveatruepointguardotherthananagingKCJones,who was a worse shot than Dick Cheney. In crunch time, Sam and Hondohandledtheballforthem.Couldyouwinthe2009titlewithKobeandPierceasyourballhandlers?Seemsalittlefar-fetched,right?

6.Sixof the ten’67teamswonbetween30and39games;Baltimorewon20;SanFranwent5–13

vs.Boston/Phillyand39–24againsteveryoneelse;andBoston/Phillyfinishedacombined 128–34. (Hold on, era-appropriate pop culture reference coming…)Thatseasonwasmoretop-heavythanJayneMansfield!

7. The cousin of this event: the undefeated ’07 Patriots pulling out a sloppyWeek14gameinBaltimore.Hadtheyblownit,thatwouldhavebeenthekickintheasstheyneeded.NowaytheyloseSuperBowlXLIV.AtleastthisiswhatIkeeptellingmyself.Holdon,IhavetofiremyBB

gunattherightlegofmyPlaxBurressbobbleheadagain.I’llberightback.8.Ifyou don’t think this pushed mainstream interest in the NBA to new heights,you’re crazy.Remember, themedia didn’t exist in its current form—wewereconfinedtonewspapers,localnewsshows,andSI.Theycoveredsportsinsteadofhypingthem.Bythelatesixties,thatwaschangingaswewitnessedwiththe“Can Philly win 70?” stuff.Mediamembers were searching for future anglesinsteadofjustdigestingwhathadalreadyhappened.Now?Wecreateanglesthataren’tthere!We’vecomealongway.

9.Thiswasajoke—Iamnotwelldressed.

10.IcameupwiththisanalogyafterhittingaBlackBerrypartywithmyfriendWilly,whodidextremelywellforhimselfinBostonbutcouldn’tmusteruptheconfidence to approach Bosworth in L.A., mainly because her legs were sobreathtaking thatwewere staringat them likepitbulls lookingat aprime rib.She’s likeDwyaneWade andDwightHoward—you can’t properly appreciateheruntilyouseeherinperson.

11. When it goes wrong for the defending champs, it’s like that same guyhookingupwithBosworthforafewweeks,havingathreesomewithLCandLofromTheHills,thendressingandactinglikeadoucheandproudlyshowinghisbuddieshisBlackBerrycontactlisteverytimehegoesdrinkingwiththem.

12.Game3 (ChicagooverL.A. inOT)wasoneofmyworstgambling lossesever; trustme that I didnot have to lookup the line (L.A. by 3) or the score(Bulls104,L.A.96).MybuddyGeoffandIwatchedathismom’shouse,satinshockforanother20minutes,thendebatedsneakingintoherofficeandforgingacheck.Thelesson,asalways:don’tgambleincollege.13.Whatashamewemissed an Orlando-Chicago bloodbath. This was the great lost series of thenineties.Meanwhile,wewere treated to 738unwatchableKnicks-Heat games.Damn it all. 14. Just to clarify, this was the Arizona grad who battled gayrumors, changed his name to Bison Dele, retired prematurely, invested in adesalination complex inLebanon andwas apparentlymurdered by his brother(although there was no trial because the brother killed himself, but evidencepointedstronglytohim)duringanaround-the-worldboatingtrip…nottheNBCnews anchor. We should also mention that my 1999 and 2000 fantasy hoopteamswerecalled“Bison’sDeli.”

15.Kerrsubmittedthegreatesttwo-yearsampleofthree-pointshootingeverin

’95 (52.4%, 1st all-time) and ’96 (51.5%, 5th all-time), finishing 45.4% onthrees for his career (2nd all-time).Hewon five rings,made aFinals-winningshot(’97,Game6)andhadadefiningESPNClassicgame(Game6,Dallas-SAin ’03).HeplayedwithMJ,Duncan,Shaq,Pippen,Robinsonand the ’02 JailBlazers and was coached by Phil Jackson and Greg Popovich. He got in apracticefightwithMJ

andheldhisown.Hemadeover$16millionin15years.HeworkedwithMarvAlbert on TNT. He got hired as a GM by Phoenix and… crap, that hasn’tworkedouttoowell.Atleastsofar.Butnowhe’smakingacrucialcameointhesecondgreatestNBAbookeverwritten,oratleastthelongestone.Nowthatisacareer!

16. That’s the pick that becameLennyBias. Iwill nowwander out into rushhourtraffic.17.Ihadtowrite“nearly”becauseofMcHale,ChrisMullin,BryanColangelo, Ernie Grunfeld and everyone else who would have earned aninvitation to theAtrociousGMSummit2 ifwehadconvened it for thisbook.Maybethenextone.

18. That reminds me—I’d like to thank RasheedWallace one more time forhelping me realize a lifelong dream: seeing players on a defending NBAchampioncarrychampionshipbeltstogameslikeprowrestlers.

19. I wish Knight had made this comment to Connie Chung now during theoverly politically correct era. ESPN would have offered around-the-clocktwenty-four-hour coverage hosted by Bob Ley as we decided to whether tothrowKnight in jailordeporthim.20.Comeon…toosoon?It’sbeennearlythirty-sevenyears!Comedy=cannibalism+ time.21.Had thishappenedwithany of the Boston teams from 1960 to 1963 (the heel-nipping and nationalattention),theymayhaveturneditupanotchandgonefor70.Andyouknowit.Concedemyhypotheticalthatcan’tbeproven!

22.They lost six of eight road games, their playoff point differentialwas just3.9,andBaltimoretookthemto7gamesinthefirstround.

23.Onewaytostopthem:thiswastheheightofthecokeeraandthe’82Lakers,in retrospect, had a few“suspects” in their nine-man rotation. If Iwere aGMbackthen,wherevertheLakerspartiedafteragame,I’dhavesent$10Kworthofhookersandcoketothatlocation.24.Maxstuckastamponthe’85season,

takingtoolongtorecoverfromaminorkneesurgerythatshouldhavesidelinedhim for six weeks. Auerbach vengefully traded him for Walton; even twodecades later, a still-pissed Red protested vehemently when Boston’s newownersretiredMax’snumber31underthealwaysoffensive“Wejustboughttheteam,wouldn’t it be fun to retire someone’snumber?” logic.Only tenBostonnumbers should be retired: Russell, Bird, Hondo, Cousy, Sharman, Cowens,McHale,Heinsohn,ParishandSamJones.

25. I used quotes because Smith played up a premise that wasn’t necessarilytrue.MJdidwhateverit tookforhisteamtowin,andreally,duringthosefirstfewChicagoyears, his supporting cast sucked.Whatdidyouwanthim todo,passupgame-winningshotstosetupBradSellersorKyleMacy?EarlyMJwasonlyguiltyofdisparagingteammatesandkillingtheirconfidenceinsomecases.Is thatselfish? I’darguehewas justadick.Bigdifference.26.ThiswouldbemuchfunnierifIshowedyouapictureofSamSmith.Helooksliketheskinnybrotherofthe“Timetomakethedonuts!”guyfromtheoldDunkin’Donutsads.27.Biggest difference in 2008: how effectively teams space the floor and usecorner threes. It’s an advantage that the best ’80s players (save for Bird) justhadn’tfiguredout—themostefficientshotonthefloorandamust-defendatalltimes.

28.Theover/underofunprovokedshotsatKCJones’coachingabilitywas9.5.Ithinkweobliteratedit150pagesago.Andyes,hewastheperfectguytocoachthat’86Celtsteam—justrolltheballoutandletthemdotheirthing.

29.Foreverydollarspentthatexceedsthetaxthreshold,theoffendingteamhastomatchthosedollarsintaxfeespaidtotheleague.Ifthetaxlineis$70millionandyouspend$80million,you’relookingata$10milliontaxaswell.Plusyoumissoutonsplittingthetaxprofitpoolthat’sfilledbyoffendingteams.Theolddoublewhammy.

30.Actual’86capfigures:Bird($1.8M),McHale($1.0M),Johnson($782.5K),Parish ($700K), Ainge ($550K), Walton ($425K), Wedman ($400K), Kite($150K), Sichting ($125K), Carlisle ($90K), Vincent ($87.5K), Thirdkill(unknown).

31. Max became a free agent after his inspiring ’84 Finals performance. Inmoderntimes,Bostoncouldn’thaveaffordedhimandanidiotGMwouldhaveoverpaidhimsomethinglike$58millionforfiveyears(insteadofthefouryears

at approximately $800,000 per that Boston gave him). There’s no possiblemodern scenario in which the ’86 Celts could have acquired Walton, whichseems relevant since he transformed them from “top ten ever” to “potentiallygreatestever.”

32.Thesameexerciseforthe’87Lakers:Kareem$20M;Magic$20M;Worthy$14M;Thompson

$11M; Cooper $7.5M; Rambis $6.0M; Scott $5.5M; Green $1.8M;Matthews$1.2M.Nineguysfor$96million.Andbytheway,itwouldhavebeenhumanlyimpossibleforthemtoaddMychalThompson.

33.Iknow,Iknow:HIVkilledShowtime.Butthe’91Bullsgreasedtheskids.Okay,wrongchoiceofwords.I’mgettingoutnow.Quickly.

34. Jordan Rules is riveting to read in retrospect. ThroughMarch, Chicago’schemistrywas still amess becauseMJwas so brutal on his teammates. Thentheyrippedoffawinstreak,PippencameintohisownandMJbackedoff.Therestwashistory.

35.The’60Celtsheldtherecordwith17;from’70to’72,itwasbrokenthreestraightyears.The leaguewassowatereddownthat theyshouldhavedumpedWestasitslogoandusedapictureofCarlSpackler.

36. Clint Richardson, Earl Cureton and Marc Iavaroni? That’s a HamburgerHelper bench. 37. They got swept by an inferior Bucks team in the secondround.OnemajorproblembesidesFitch:The’83Celtshadtoomanyguys.Howdo you juggle minutes between Bird, Parish, Maxwell, Henderson, Tiny,McHale, Ainge, Wedman, Buckner, M. L. Carr and Rick Robey? Half wereunhappy and all hated the coach.The followingyear,K.C. took over,RobeywasswappedforDJ,Tinyretired,Carrbecameatowel-waverandtheywonthetitle.Thelesson,asalways:Youonlyneed9guys.IkeptwarningDarylMorey(Houston’sGM)aboutthisinOctober’08andhekeptmakingfunofme.“Toomany guys? How could that be a bad thing?” Four months later he wasfranticallytryingtoswing4-for-1’satthedeadline.

38.AtoughblowfortheLakersandaneventougherblowforBigGameJames,who had an unwieldy cast and could only have sex with groupies in the“cowgirl”and“reversecowgirl”

positions.

39.Recentlyhesettledintoasecondphaseofhiscareer,astheembattledcoachofanawfulGrizzlies teamwholookedlikeNicCageandgotfiredwithin100games.40.InevitablecounterfromthePhillyfans:“Wegotold!”Sorry,thestatsdon’t back this up. Moses slipped a little (25–15 in ’83, 23–13 in ’84), butDoc/Toney/Cheekswere slightly better statistically and they got similar benchproduction. They weren’t good enough collectively to combat the Year-AfterSyndromeinamuch-improvedleague.Howelsewouldyoudropfrom77–18to54–33withoutamajorinjury?

41. That includes a 1–4 record against the Knicks. Damn the Knicks for notshowingupfortheFinals.Damnthem!Damnthemtohell!

42.Their two losses:Game4atSanFran in the first round(by2),Game3atL.A. (by 12). The S.F. series was weird: Games 1 and 4 were in San Fran(thanks to a scheduling conflict withMilwaukee’s arena), meaning the teamstraveled for four of the five games. I love the days when the NBA hadschedulingconflicts.“Sorry,guys,wecan’taccommodateGame4—wehaveatractorpullthatweekend.”

43.Kobescored40-pluspointsinnineconsecutivegamesthatwinter,thethird-longest40-plusstreakever.CueupDirkDiggler’s“We’llshootwhenI’mgoodandgoddamnedready,I’mthebiggeststarhere!” tantrum,multiply itby threeand that was Kobe’s demeanor for most of the season. The prologue in PhilJackson’sbook,MorethanaGame, tellsabouthis ’01battleswithKobeafterKobebasically decided, “Sorry, guys, I don’t really like the triangle anymore,I’mgoingtobebreakingplaysandgoingformyownpointsnow.”

44.The one loss:Game1,when Iversonwent bonkers (48 points) and nearlystompedTyLue’shead.

45.Ijustmadethattermup.It’slike“Bennifer”or“Brangelina.”Rightdowntotheinevitablebreakupintheend.Ifonlywehadthoughtofitin2002.

46.Thiswasahellacioussweep: theLakersdidn’thavehome-courtadvantageandstillwonby14,7,39and29points.RippingthroughtheWestduringthaterawasnojoke:from2000to2005,theWesthadthirty-one50-winteamsandfive60-winteams;theEasthadtwelve50-winteamsandone60-winteam.

47.I’mcringing.ThisislikeawetT-shirtcontestwithScarlettJohanssontakingonbothOlsentwins.

48.Although they didn’twin a title until the year after leaving themammothSilverdome,theDomewasadisadvantageforopponentsbecauseoflightinganddepth perception adjustments (thanks to glass backboards and three miles ofseats behind them). The ’87 Pistons clawed their way back against Bostonbecause of the Silverdome effect combined with Saturday/Sunday starts forGames 3 and 4. By the way, ’87 was a memorable Silverdome year:WrestlemaniaIII(Andre-HulkplusthewatershedSavage-Steamboatmatch),theBird-Laimbeer/Rodmanbrawl(Game4)andPopeJohnPaulIIcelebratingmassthere.That’sright,bigmomentsfromAndre,Hulk,MachoMan, thePopeandtheBasketballJesusinoneyear!

49.But not before exploitingDetroit’s personality for the infamousBadBoysvideo (1989) that featured more cheap shots than a season of Jerry Springershows.Allcopiesofthistapehaveapparentlybeendestroyed;youcan’tfinditanywhere.Oneoftheall-timehypocriticalmovesbyasportsleague,justbehindbaseball looking theotherwaywith (namean enhancer) during theMcGwire-Sosaera.

50.ThethingIrespectedmostaboutthose’89and’90Pistonsteams:theytookcareofbusinessontheroad,closingsixofeightseriesontheroadandfinishing5–0inroadFinalsgames.51.ShadesofRollergirlravingaboutDirkDigglerinAmberWaves’documentaryabouthim.Isthereabasketballscenariothatcan’tbetiedtoBoogieNights?Isayno.AndIthinkweproveditovertheselast4,500pages.

52.ThissuckeddoublyforBoston:ThompsonwenttocollegewithMcHaleandknew all of hismoves; hewas the only player in the ’80swho could defendMcHale by himself. Also, this was the first salary cap loophole trade: whenKupchakretired, theLakerswereallowedtousehalfofhissalarycapnumber($1.15 million) toward another player. Fans were thoroughly confused at thetime:“Capnumber,exception,halfthenumber…what?”

53.TheSpursarelivingproofthattheTankingKarmaGodsdon’texist:theydiditin’87

(Robinson)and’97(Duncan).

54.TheMavs took them to sevengamesoneyear later, thenRoyTarpleygothookedoncokeandtheyweredone.PartofmewondersifRileyandWestjustsent unmarked packages of cocaine to every ’80s rival and hoped theywouldsuccumb.Tarpley,Bias,Lucas/Wiggins/Lloyd…

55. Ioncewroteanentire2004columnabout thisgame.Sleepyactually turnsintoafireballatonepoint.

56.Birdplayed1,015gruelingminutes in23playoffgames (44.1minutespergame). That’s the third-highest average for 20-plus playoff games in onepostseasonbehindAllenIversonin’01(22

games, 1,016 minutes) and Thunder Dan Majerle in ’93 (24 games, 1,071minutes).Bird’s’87

playoffs also ranks 11th in points, 5th in FTs made, 22nd in assists (firstforward)and80thinrebounds.Ofcourse,itdoesn’trankinHollinger’stop50forPEReventhoughheaverageda27–10–9,savedtheseasonwiththegreateststealinNBAhistory,loggedsuperhumanminutesandnearlywontheFinalsbyhimself.AndyouwonderwhyIhavetroubletrustingplayerefficiencyratings.

57.OftheirtopsevenguysonlyRodmanthrived:heaveraged14.9reboundsintheFinals(41of88offensive),battledared-hotShawnKempandwastheirbestguy in two wins (Games 2 and 6). He arguably could have won MVPconsideringMJ’s struggles (22 for60) in the final threegames—youknow, ifyouwereusingthesameindefensiblereasoningthatledtoParker’s’07

MVPandMaxwell’s’81MVP.

58. Kukoc won the “sixth man” award this year but stank in the playoffs.Chicagohanded thepost-Pippen/MJ teamover tohimandfinished13–37.Forallthehypeovertheyears,KukocnevermadeasingleAll-Starteam.

59. I once created aRingoStarrTheory forMJ’s teammates: you can’t judgeroleplayersproperlywhenthey’replayingwithaguywhomakeseveryoneelsebetter.Armstrong, Longley,Grant,Kerr andWilliams looked better than theywere during theirChicago stints (just ask the teams that overpaid them after).Same for Scott, Green, Rambis and Nixon with Magic, or Ainge, Maxwell,RobeyandHendersonwithBird.

60.Thegoodnews:Chicagocouldthrowoutafrighteningwhitewash—thetwinvanillatowersofWenningtonandLongley,withKukoc,KerrandJudBuechlerflankingthemandJackHaleycheeringthemonfromthebenchinstreetclothes.Thatwas almost a blizzard. 61. I just pulled a PaulMaguire there: started anargument with you, then debunked your point even though you never saidanything.“WatchhowImadeyoulookbad,watchhowIdidthat,watchthis…bam!Rightthere!”

62. Seattle’s ’96 bench:VinceAskew,NateMcMillan, FrankBrickowski andErvin“NoMagic”

Johnson (one of my favorite nicknames ever). Ervin had a long, ShannonSharpe-like face that was perfect for the “Hey, Ervin, why the long face?”heckle.Thatremindsme,IspentalotoftimehecklingduringtheM.L.CarrandRickPitinoeras inBoston (mostlyoutofdrunkenbitterness).Thiswasbeforethe “let’s keepnoise going for three straight hours”NBAarena era, so if youweresittingwithintenrowsofadepressinggame,youcouldheareverysneakersqueak, play conversation, and heckle. During one dead Miami game, Iscreamed,“YouneverwonwithoutMagic!”from20feetawayatPatRileyforfour solidquarters. (Youheardme,Pat. Iknowyouheardme.)As for refereeinsults, I was always partial to “Hey ref, bend over and use your good eye!”Neverfailedtobringthehousedown.

63.OfthehundredsoftapesIwatched,nopostmergerplayerhadaneasiertimescoringplayoffpointsthan’86McHale:39MPG,24.9PPG,58%FG,79%FT,16.1FGA,7.8FTA.Hebarelybrokeasweat.ThePandaExpresspost-upmenuwaschurningoutorderslikeclockwork.“Whowantsano.3?CanIinterestyouinacombono.2?Please,tryanup-and-undereggroll,Iinsist!”

64. They went 15–0 vs. Milwaukee, Atlanta, L.A. and Houston and 3–2 vs.Philly(onelossby6

points,theotherbyDoc’sbanked3atthebuzzer)butlosttengamestosub-.500teams,including26-winIndy,29-winCleveland,30-win(andMJ-less)Chicagoandthe23-winKnicks.PeterMay’sTheLastBannerhasonerecurringtheme:theplayersbemoaningafterthefactthattheyblewachancetowin70bygettingboredtoooften.TheyalsoblewfourOTgamesandtwomoreatthebuzzer,withBird clanking FTs in two of them even though he led the league in FTpercentage. So it was a slightly fluky 67-win season; they easily could have

reached 71 or 72. 65. Assistants Jimmy Rodgers and Chris Ford had ghastlyperms this season. Just ghastly. They were right from the Mike FratelloCollection.Fordeventhrewinapornmustacheandavarietyof

’80ssuitsthatlookedliketheycamefromaPhilipMichaelThomasestatesale.66. In the regular season,Atlantawent 0–6 against thembut every gamewasclose (between threeandsevenpoints).Therewasamemorablegame inearlyJanuarywhentheHawksracedouttoa24-pointfirst-halflead,didsometrash-talkingandgotKeyserSöze’dinthesecondhalf,withBostonprevailinginOTbehindBird’s41points,7rebounds,6assists,3stealsand2blocks.Youdidnottalksmacktothe’86Celts.

67.WhenWedman broke two ribs during Game 3 of the Bucks series, theyplayed smallball for anextended stretch inGame4 (Sichting,Ainge,DJ,BirdandMcHale), thenswitched togiantball incrunch time(Ainge,Bird,McHale,ParishandWalton)topullaway.That’sridiculous.68.Funniestchemistrystoryfromthatseason:BirdthoughthehadclinchedtheFTtitle,butAingerealizedbefore a meaningless Game 82 that if he went 13 for 15, he’d qualify withenoughattemptsandpassBird.Inthesecondhalf,Dannystarteddrivingtothebasketrecklessly,up-fakingandtryingtodrawfouls—totallyuncharacteristic—only nobody knewwhatwas going on until the fourth quarter, andKC Jonescouldn’t remove him because Ainge kept getting to the line. FinallyMcHaledecidedhewould intentionallycommit laneviolations tostopAinge,whowasgettingheckledbyhisownbench,butthatwasavertedwhentherewasawhistleandJonespulledhim.Andbytheway,allofthiswasforfunandeveryonewaslaughingthewholetime.69.I’mnotkidding:whenthe’86Celtswerefeelingit,everytimeBirdtosseditintoWalton,itwasmove-up-to-the-edge-of-your-seatexciting.Whataretheygonnacomeupwiththistime?

70.Onemorereason:becauseIneededanexcuse tohitupmyboyHirschyattheNBAforasmany

’86Celtics tapesaspossible.If Ievergetdivorced,Iguaranteeyou“Hemademewatchtoomany

’86Celticstapes”willbepartoftheSportsGal’sirreconcilabledifferencescase.

THIRTEEN

THEWINECELLAR

TIMETOPUTthejigsawpiecestogetherandmakeapuzzle.

The puzzle revolves around theMartian Premise. Let’s say basketball-playingalienslandonearth,blowthingsupIndependenceDay–style,thenchallengeustoaseven-gameseriesforcontroloftheuniverse.Andlet’ssaywehaveaccessto the timemachine fromLost, allowingus to travel backSarahConner–styleandgrabany twelveNBA legends from1946 through2009, transport them tothe present day, then hold practices for eight weeks before the Final Finals.Again,wehave to prevail or planet Earth aswe know it ends.Which twelveplayerswouldyoupick?

If you learned anything from this book other than “Simmons is incapable ofeditinghimself”and

“RickBarryworeaBurtReynolds–likewigduringthe1975–76season,”Ihope

andpray that it’s this: insteadofpicking thegreatestplayers,you shouldpicktwelvewho complement eachother in the best possibleway… right? (Pleasenod. Thank you.)Youwant a basketball team.A group that understands TheSecret.Apeckingorderofpersonalities/talentsthatnorogueplayerwoulddarechallenge. A crunch-time unit that includes one vocal leader, one leader byexampleandoneunquestionedalphadog.Benchguyswhowillaccept limitedroles and not care about minutes. Roster flexibility with heights, styles andathleticism.Atleastfourwhiteguyssowecanmarketmorejerseysandposters.(Whoops,Iscrewedthatup—Iwasthinkingofthelogicbehindthe’92

DreamTeam.Scratchthatone.)Inaperfectworld,ourbesttwelvewouldcareonlyaboutwinningandmeshingasateam.

I call it theWineCellarTeam,andhere’swhy:Whenever someonemakesanall-time team, they casually throw out nameswithout context. I‧ ll take Bird,Magic, Jordan, Kareem, LeBron…What does that evenmean?Did you likeprebaseballorpostbaseball Jordan?Didyou likealphadogMagicorunselfishMagic?Ineedmoreinformation.Thinklikeawinesnobandregardplayerslikevintagesofwine andnot thebrands themselves.Askanywine connosseur fortheirtenfavoriteBordeauxofthelastseventy-fiveyearsandtheywouldn’tsay,“ Mouton-Rothschild, Lafite, Haut Brion, Latour …” They would give youprecisevintages.The’59MoutonRothschild.The’53

Lafite. The ’82Haut-Brion.The ’61Latour. If youprodded them, theywouldhappilyacceptthischallenge,“I’llgiveyoufivedinnermenusandyougivemethetenbestBordeaux,twoperdinner,thatmatchupwiththefood.”That’spartof being a wine connoisseur—not just knowing the wines but knowing thevintagesandhowtheyrelatetofood.Theywouldhaveagrandoldtimefiguringthisout.1

Doesn’tthatsoundlikebasketball?It’sallaboutthevintages.IlovedwatchingBird,butIreallylovedwatching’86Bird.Why?Histeammatespeakedin’86,allowing him to explore parts of his game during his prime that couldn’t beexplored otherwise. You could say his career year became special because ofluckandtiming.Withwines,thedeterminingfactorsforcareeryearsalsohinge

onluckandtiming—like1947,anunusuallyhotsummerinFrancethatcreatedwinesofhighalcoholandlowacidity.That’showthe’47ChevalBlancemergedasafamousvintageandthebestitsvine-yardeverproduced…youknow,justlike’77BillWalton.Noteverydecisionisthateasy.Mouton-Rothschildpeakedin ’53, ’59and ’61…youknow, likehowMagicpeaked indifferentways in’82, ’85 and ’87.Wine connoisseurs disagree on the bestMouton-Rothschildvintage, just like we might disagree on the best vintage of Magic. His bestscoringseasonoccurred in ’87,but Ihavemore thanenough firepoweronmyWineCellarTeam. If I’m alreadygrabbing a Jordan bottle (either ’92 or ’96)and a bottle of ’86Bird, and I’m definitely picking a fewmore scorers, whywouldIneedMagictoassumeabiggerscoringload?Whynotstart’85Magic(the ultimate for unselfish point guards) or maybe even bring ’82 Magic(younger,betterdefensively,capableofplayingfourpositions,talentedenoughtoaverageashadeunderatripledouble)offthebenchasmysixthman?

Soreally,theWineCellarTeamisajigsawpuzzle.Imademydecisionseasierwiththreegroundrules:

1.OnlyvintageseasonsthatIrememberwitnessinglive.ThatmakestheABA-NBAmergerourcutoffdateandgivesusatimeframefrom1977to2009.2

2.Emulate thebestbasketball teamever (the ’86Celts)ascloselyaspossible,not their talent as much as their unselfishness and we-can-do-anythingflexibility.3.Don’tforgetthataformulaof“unselfishness+character+defense+rebounding+MJ”

willruntheMartiansoutofthegymunlesstheyhaveaneight-foot-threecenterwedidn’tknowabout.3

From there, I worked backward and started with the following have-to-have-them guys who received check marks in the following categories: totallyunselfish, awesome teammate, enjoyed making others better, incredibly highbasketballIQ,completecomprehensionofTheSecret.Therewerethreeinall.

’86LarryBird

25.8PPG,9.3RPG,8.2APG,2.1SPG,52–93–41(18playoffgames)

Give him superior teammates and he’d reinvent himself as a complementaryplayer,drainafewthrees,postsmallerdudesup,rovearoundondefenselikeafree safety,make everyone else better and take over if youneededhim.MikeFratellosummedupBird’sbetter-with-great-teammatesqualitiesaftercoachingan’88All-StargameinwhichBirdscoredsixpointsandJordanand

’Niquecombinedforsixty-nine:“Michaelplayedwell,Dominiqueplayedwell,but the thing which really impressed me was the way Larry Bird subjugatedhimself. Larry Bird showed me more today than most people could possiblyhavenoticed.Fromthestandpointofacoach,you’vegot toloveseeingamando all he did—come up with a couple of key steals, get back on defensecontinually,andbreakupaboutfivefast-breakopportunities.Tome,hewaslikeanoverseer of the game.He sawwhatweneeded, andhe acted accordingly.”Yes.Weneedanoverseer.ThatwillbeBird.

’03TimDuncan

Playoffs:24.7PPG,15.4RPG,5.3APG,3.3BPG,53–68(24games)

Greatest power forward ever, commander of a double team at all times, theultimate teammate, and someonecapableofplayingcenterwhenwego small.Fitseverythingwewanttodo.Asuperiorversionof’86McHale.

’85MagicJohnson

Playoffs:17.5PPG,7.1RPG,15.2APG,51–85(19games).

Forall the reasonscovered in theMouton-Rothschildparagraph.LikeBird,hewouldlivetomakeeveryoneelsebetter.

So that’smy three-man foundation alongwith Jordan. But which Jordan?Hepeakedathleticallyandstatisticallyin’91,peakedfromaconfidencelevelin’92andpeakedasacompetitorandwinnerin’93…butthosethreeJordanvintageswerealittletoocompetitive.Evenwiththefutureoftheuniverseatstake,thatmight not deter him from undermining the confidence of certain teammates(imaginehimscrimmagingagainstKobeorLeBron)andturningeverypracticeintoanall-outwartoconstantlyreaffirmhisalphastatus.Wouldweratherhave’96Jordan?Youknow,theguywhowashumbledfromhisbaseballexperience,moreappreciativeofhisgifts,amoreunderstandingandsupportive teammate,justascompetitiveandhungry,alittlelessexplosivebutmoreefficient,smarterabouthisownlimitations,someonewhotreasuredTheSecretcompletely?

Hmmmmmm.Let’sgohere.

’92MichaelJordan

Playoffs:34.5PPG,6.2RPG,5.8APG,2.8stocks,50–86–39(22games)4

Andhere’swhy:prebaseballMJstruggledonlytocoexistwithshittyteammates.He’snotplayingwithBradSellersandWillPerdueon theWineCellarTeam.He’llbefine.Ifhedidn’tcauseproblemswiththeDreamTeam,hewon’tcause

problems with the greatest team ever assembled. We want our best scorercomingofftitlenumbertwoatthepeakofhispowers;extendingthat’86

Celtics framework, imagine switching Jordanwith DannyAinge andwhat hewould have inflicted. Yikes. And since we’re pay-per-viewing scrimmages toraisemoneyforthecitiesdestroyedbytheevilMartians,anydie-hardhoopsfanwill pony up to see him battling Young LeBron, YoungWade and/or YoungKobeforeightsolidweeks.5

Forthecenterspot,Ican’tholdgrudgeswiththefutureoftheworldatstake.Ineedthesuresttwopointsofalltime.Ineedtheskyhook.IneedKareem.Anydoubts I had about him embracing The Secret were erased in a 1980 SportsIllustrated feature, when he explained a decision to play after a debilitatingmigrainelikethis:“Theseguysaremyteammates,buttheyarealsomyfriends.Theyneededme.”Yes!SoundslikesomethingRussellwouldsay.Hence…

’77KareemAbdul-Jabbar

Playoffs:34.6PPG,17.7RPG,4.1APG,5.2stocks,61–73(11games)

That’sour starting five: ’86Bird, ’03Duncan, ’85Magic, ’92 Jordan and ’77Kareem.Youcannotassembleabetterfive-manunitofmodernguys.Ourfivebackupsshouldcomplementthemineveryconceivableway(whilegraspingTheSecret,ofcourse).

’86KevinMcHale

Playoffs:24.9PPG,8.6RPG,2.7APG,2.4BPG,58–79(18games)

Themostefficient low-postscorerever.McHalecomesin,weposthimup,hescoressixoutoftentimes(notcountingfoulshots).Ontheotherend,heguardsplayers ranging from six-foot-four to seven-foot-four, plays power forward orcenter and adapts to any style.TheMartianswill have toplan forMcHale. Infact,theymightlookathisbodyandthinkhe’safellowalien.

’92ScottiePippen

Playoffs:19.5PPG,8.8RPG,6.7APG,3.0stocks,47–76(22games)

The best perimeter defender ever, aworld-class athlete and someonewho canswing between forward and guard and even play point forward. If one of theMartiansgetshot,I’munleashingJordanorPippenonhim.Also,weneedhimforourMurderousPress,that’saboutfifteenparagraphsawayfromrockingyourworld.

’77BillWalton

Playoffs:18.2PPG,15.2RPG,5.5APG,3.4BPG,51–69(19games)

Nomoderncenterhadagreatereffectonhisteammates.Wewantacombinationrebounder,shotblockerandpasserwhowouldbeoverjoyedtojoinforceswiththegreatest collectionof talent ever assembled.Andaswe learned in ’86, theWaltonExperienceworkssplendidlyinshortdoses.6

’05RonArtest

Playoffs:(DNP)

Justkidding.He’dstartanintergalacticmelee.WeneedanMJbackup,though.Whatabout…

’01KobeBryant

Playoffs:29.4PPG,7.3RPG,6.1APG,47–82–32(16games).

Best-case scenario: Young Kobe performs a reasonable MJ impression asJordan’scaddy.It’sconceivablebecausehehasn’tgoneTeenWolfyetandhe’syoungenoughtounderstandhisplaceinthepeckingorder.Ifweaskedhimtoplay 15minutes a game, kill himself defensively, push Jordan in practice andserve as his valet during games, YoungKobe probably says yes. OlderKobewouldthink,“Waitasecond,whyshouldItakeabackseattoMichael?I’mjustasgoodasheis!”

That’swhyweneedYoungKobe.

Worst-casescenario:YoungKobegetstotallycaughtupinthewhole“Ineedtoprove that I’m as good as MJ” thing, jacks up shots in games and keepschallenging Jordan inpractice to thepoint thatwecan’t put themondifferentteamsinscrimmagesanymore.

(Actually,whyamIevenriskingit?Couldn’twejustgohere?)

’09DwyaneWade

Regularseason:30.2PPG,7.5APG,5.2RPG,2.2SPG,49–77–32(79games)

For five reasons: (a) ’09Wadeperformed thebest Jordan imitiationyet; (b) itcan’tbeforgottenhowhe thrivedoff thebenchduring the’08Olympics; (c) Idon’t have toworry about chemistry; (d) he can handle the ball at point in apinch;and(e)LakersfanswillbefuriousthatIbumpedKobe.Thisisawin-winallthewayaround.Sorry,Kobe.Justremember,Ididn’tdothis…youdidthis.7

’09ChrisPaul

Regular season: 22.9 PPG, 11.0 APG, 5.5 RPG, 2.8 SPG, 50–87–36 (77games)

The Evolutionary Isiah and the front of our Murderous Press, as well as theperfect Magic backup (capable of handling any waterbug point guard) and asecond ballhandler/cooler for when we’re protecting a lead in the last 30seconds.

Forourlasttwospots,we’regoingwithluxuries…

’09LeBronJames

Regular season: 28.4 PPG, 7.6 RPG, 7.2 APG, 1.69 SPG, 49–78–34 (82games)

Iconsidered’89DennisRodmanbeforerealizinghebrokemyOnlyOneHeadCase(youcangetawaywithoneheadcase,butifyouhavetwo,theymightenduphangingout)andNobodyonMyWineCellarTeamCanAppearonCelebrityApprenticeatAnyPointinTheirLivesrules.Nothanks.The’09LeBrongivesusmoresmallballoptions,anüber-athletewhocanplayfourpositions(àla’82Magic) and the next to final piece of ourMurderousPress that’s nowmakingyougiddy,aswellasaphenomenal teammateandcompetitorwhomightevenchallenge Bird for minutes. I’m downgrading him as the eleventh guy onlybecausehe’s still twoor threeyearsaway frombecoming theplayerweknowhe’llbe.8

’01RayAllen

Playoffs:25.1PPG,4.1RPG,6.0APG,48–92–47(11games)

Gets thenodoverReggieMillerasourofficial thooler (designated three-pointshooterandend-of-the-gamecooler).9Imean,lookatthosepercentagesagain!Areyoukiddingme?

Sohere’s the finalWineCellarTeam: ’77Kareem, ’03Duncan, ’86Bird, ’92Jordan, ’85Magic (starters); ’86McHale, ’92 Pippen, ’09Wade, ’77Walton,’09LeBron,’09Paul,’01Allen(bench).Checkouttheplethoraofoptionswehavewiththosetwelveguys.

Bestcrunch-timelineup:Kareem,Bird,Duncan/McHale,Jordan,Magic.

With the following caveats: if McHale is on fire, maybe we play him overDuncan … if Bird/Magic is getting killed defensively, maybe we throw inPippen/LeBronand/orPaul/Wade…

and ifwewant todownsize,we canplayDuncan/McHale at center and insertLeBronorWadeforKareem.Ifweneedabasket,werunsomethingforJordanorgoinside/outsidegamewithBird/Kareem.WealsohaveDuncanonthehighpostifwewanttorunaplaythroughhim.AndwehaveMagicreadytorunoffeverymisswithBird,Duncan,andJordan.Putitthisway:wehaveoptions,andthensome.

Best defensive lineup (bigger): McHale/Duncan/Kareem (two of three),Pippen,Jordan,Wade/Paul.You’renotscoringonthoseguys.Period.

Bestdefensive lineup (smaller):McHale/Duncan,LeBron,Pippen,Jordan,Wade/Paul.Ditto.10

Best fast break lineup: Walton/Duncan, Bird, LeBron/Pippen,Jordan/Wade,Magic/Paul.Holy schnikes. Lots of options here.We can runwithsomecombinationofnearlyeveryguyonourteam.

Best smallball lineup: LeBron, Pippen, Jordan, Wade, Paul. Fascinatingbecauseyoucouldgetawaywiththisquintetdefensivelyifyoupushedthepaceandtrappedallovertheplace(itwouldbelikethe’07Warriorsonacid).Admitit,you’removingtotheedgeofyourseatwhenthislineupcomesin.YoucouldalsoinsertMagicforWadeorPippenifyouwantedtorelivetheMagic/Nixonsaladdays.

Best bigball lineup: Kareem, Walton/Duncan, McHale, LeBron/Pippen,Bird.With LeBron or Pippen at point forward. Yes, you could play themtogether and it wouldwork—no different fromWalton, Parish,McHale, BirdandDJ flourishing in the ’86Playoffs. In fact, thismightbemy favorite lookyet.

Best three-point shooting lineup: LeBron, Bird, Jordan, Allen, Paul.MyleastfavoritewrinklesinceIonlyhavetwodeadlybombersandI’dmuchratherhavethree.(NotetoSteveNash:YoualmostmadetheWineCellarTeamsimplyasabetterversionofthe’96SteveKerr.)Ontheotherhand,IhaveLarryBirdandRayAllen.Soallisn’tlost.

Best free-throw-shooting lineup:Bird,Jordan,Paul,Magic,Allen.Nobodyunder85

percent and two over 90 percent. We would not blow a lead in the final 45seconds.

Mostintriguinglineup:Walton,Bird,LeBron,Magic,Jordan.FoursuperiorpasserswithJordan.Iamgiddy.

Themurderouspress:Duncan,LeBron,Pippen,Wade,Paul.I’mborrowingthisideafromRickPitino,whotoldMalcolmGladwellthatifheevercoachedintheNBAagain,hewouldpickfiveofhisbenchguystopracticeexclusivelyonafull-courtpress, thenplay themonceahalf for fouror fiveminutes at a time.Their sole purpose would be to create havoc, wear opponents down, exploitopposingbenchguysandshiftmomentum.Andtheywould.Wouldyouwanttobring the ball up against a press with these five guys prowling around likecheetahs?Itwouldbelikethrowingagainstaten-mansecondary,right?11

Here’showmyplaying timewouldultimatelybreakdown.Keep inmind,wewanttheseguysgoingalloutatalltimes.

Firstquarter.Jordan,Bird,Magic,DuncanandKareemstartthegame.Atthe6:00

mark, McHale comes in for Duncan. After the mandatory 3:00 minutetimeout,it’stimeforaPaul-Wade-Pippen-McHale-Waltonquintet.

Secondquarter.Fourminutesofhellwithourkillerpress(Duncan-LeBron-Pippen-Wade-Paul). At the 8:00 mark, Walton, Bird, Magic and JordanreturnandplaywithLeBronatpowerforwardforalittle“holyshit,lookatthispassing”interlude.Forthelastfourminutes,KareemreplacesWaltonandMcHalereplacesLeBron.

Third quarter: Same starters. At 6:00,McHale comes in for Duncan andWaltonreplacesKareem.At3:00,Paul-Wade-LeBron-McHale-Walton.

Fourth quarter: Four more minutes of hell with our killer press (andDuncan anchoring it). At the eight-minute mark, Jordan, Kareem, Bird,MagicandMcHalereturn.WebringbackDuncanforthefinal4:00unlessMcHaleisdestroyinghisguyandcan’tbetakenout.

Minutes breakdown: Jordan (34), Bird (34), Magic (34), Kareem (27),Duncan(24),McHale(20),LeBron(15),Wade(14),Paul(14),Walton(13),Pippen(11),Allen(0).12

(We are gonna fuck those Martians up! Don’t come into our house!) Mytoughestomissions:’92

Robinson,’01Kobe,’89Rodman,’06Nashand’96Kerr(three-pointshootingandfree-throwshooting), ’79Gervin (instantoffense), ’84Bernard (ditto), ’04Garnett(inLeBron’splace),’83

Toney(inWade’sspot),’89Dumars(defenseandintangibles),’79Moses(onlyforhisrebounding),’87Barkley(intheLeBronspot,althoughwecouldn’tpresswithhim), ’87 Isiah (insteadofPaul).13The toughestcut? I can’tbelieve I’msaying this… but it’s Rodman. We could have used him on the MurderousPress.Oh,well.

For a head coach, I’mgrabbing ’07GreggPopovich (perfect sense of humor,provensuccesswithveteranteamslikethisone)overanyofthePhilJacksonorPatRileyvintages,justbecausewedon’tneedanyoftheircutesymotivationaltricksona teamthisgood.Pop’sassistants: ’06MikeD’Antoni (ouroffensiveguru), ’09 Mike Brown (our guru for defending high screens and rotatingcorrectly),’88RickPitino(pulledfromcollegetorunourkillerpress)14and’77WillisReed(bigmancoachandprotectionjust incaseanalienstartsabench-clearingbrawl).Also,weneed1984

Red Auerbach involved—we’re making him the team president, just so we’dhaveacrustyoldguyhappilyacceptingtheAll-UniverseTrophyintheraucouslockerroomafterthegameandsayingsomethingsarcasticlike,“Ikepthearingthatthealiensweremoreadvancedineveryrespect.”

(Holdsupthetrophy.)“Here’syouradvancement,Igotitrighthere!”

SpeakingofRed,howwouldapre-mergerteamlookoperatingunderthesameprinciples?Youwouldn’thave the sameathleticism—hence,nopresswith thebench guys—and you’d have serious outside shooting issues since nobodyconsistently drained anything past 20–22 feet back then. So I’d twist this unitaroundwithadifferentfocus.Checkitout.

Starters.The ’74Kareem (first scoring option); ’64Russell (moves to powerforwardasmyleader,shotblocker,andrebounder);’72Havlicek(myglue);’66West(slightlypoorman’sMJ);’64Oscar(themaestro).Thesearemybestfiveguysandthemost“modern”ofthepre-1977guys.Iwantthemplayingtogetherasmuchaspossible.15

Bench. The pre-1977 guys weren’t nearly as flexible stylistically and lackedlength because the Duncan/KG types just didn’t exist. So what do we do? Ithoughtaboutrun-and-gunwith

’61Elgin, ’59Cousy, ’62Wilt, ’76Doc and ’73Cowens, but they’d have nooutside shooting and might get pancaked defensively. So what if we justunleashedWilt,revolvedthebencharoundhimandre-createdthe’67Sixersor’72Lakersascloselyaspossible?Wetell’67Wiltgoingin,“Look,you’renotstarting.Youwillneverstart.Youwillalsoneverfinishagame.Here’sallwewantfromyou.Forsixminuteseachhalf,wewantyoutoscoreasmanypointsas you possibly can. You will be our number one option for those twelveminutes. We will only care about getting you the ball and playing defense.That’s it.Otherwise,you’renotcoming,you’llnever see the futureandyou’llneverfindoutwhatsexwithanaliengroupieislike.Doyouacceptthismissionornot?”IthinkWiltaccepts.Maybeevenwithahard-on.Thenwebuildabenchunitaroundhimthatresemblesthe’67Sixersascloselyaspossible:’70Frazier(reasonableOscarimitation,plussomeonetocarousewithWiltaftergames);’70DeBusschere (rebounding, defense and long-distance shooting); ’75 Barry(passing, long-range shooting, last-minute cooler); ’65 Sam Jones (we alreadyknowhecanscoreoffthebench).Also,I’mgoingtoisolateBarryoffthecourtlikeamassmurderersohecan’tinteractwithteammatesinanyway.We’llhavetotreathimthesamewayHannibalLecterwastreated:Keephimonastretcherwithametalmaskcoveringhisface,thenwheelhiminwhenweneedhimforpracticeandgames.Thiswilldefinitelywork.

Deep bench. The ’75 McAdoo (long-range shooting and added length if weneedit);’73

Maravich(three-pointspecialist,freethrowshooting,garbagetimefun).

Coach.By himself, ’65Auerbach. Just seven plays and a rolled-up program.We’regoingoldschoolthroughandthrough.

Toughestomissions.The’70Willis(anenforcer/bangerwouldhavebeennice);’76 Doc (I don’t needmore scoring); ’59 Cousy (subpar defense and outsideshooting); ’58 Pettit (Grumpy Old Editor would have killed me); ’76 CalvinMurphy (scorer, cooler, strange height matchup for teams); ’70 Cunningham(slasherextraordinaire);’73Cowens(perfectenergyguy);’64SatchSanders(aRodman-like defensive stopper); ’61Elgin (just couldn’t find a spot for him).Thetoughestomissions?DocandElgin.Wealreadyhaveenoughscoring.Sorry,fellas.

What ifwehadaseven-gameseriesbetweenthepre-1977andpost-1977guysfortherighttoplaytheMartians?Ican’timaginethepre-’77’shandlingJordaninanyconceivableway;he’ddefinitelyannihilateWestafterMagickeptrilinghimup thatWestwas the real “Mr.Clutch.”The post-’77’s could throw fourlengthy big guys at Kareem and Wilt and wreak havoc on the Frazier/Jonesbackcourtwithitspress.16Ifitcamedowntothepost-’77’sprotectingalead,theycould tossoutaKareem-McHale-Pippen-Jordan-Wade lineupandshackleeverypre-’77guyexcept ’74Kareem,whom they’dkeepdoublingby leavingRussellalonefrom15feet(anddaringhimtoshoot).Thepre-’77’scouldn’ttakeadvantageofthethree-pointlinewithoutplayingWest,Maravich,McAdooandBarry at the same time… and the post-’77’s would combat it by unleashingJordan-Wade-LeBron-PaulonthemandattackingMaravichdefensively.Iftheyran everything through Oscar, the post-’77’s would have Pippen, LeBron orWadehoundhimeverywhere.Andagain,who’sguardingJordan?OrWade?OrevenLeBron?Ican’tseethepre-’77’swinningasinglegame.

Ifyouwanttocombinethetwoeras,I’mfinewith’64Russellover’77Walton,’66Westover’09

Wade,and’72Havlicekover’09LeBronifwe’reintentonrepresentingtheold

guard. But that’s it. Do I need to make those switches? Except for Russell,probablynot.

Sothat’stheWineCellarTeamfornow.Ifinishedthisbookinmid-April2009.When The SecondBook of Basketball: A Quick Influx of Cash is released in2016,maybeLeBronandPaulreplaceMagicandBirdasstarters.MaybeKevinDurantbumpsRayAllen.MaybeDwightHowardturnsintoabeastandknocksWaltonoff.Maybe2012LeBronsupplants1992MJastheteam’salphadog.Iampreparedforanything.Iamabasketballfan.Iamalwaysreadyforthenextsurprise.Youneverknowwhentruegreatnessislurkingaroundthecorner.Justmakesureyoudon’tforgettheoneswhoalreadylurked.

1. Ineverunderstood thewholewinesnob thing. It’s sosubjective—wineshiteveryonedifferentlyandthere’snoreasontospendhoursonenddebatingwhichwineisbetter.Justdrinkthemandshutup.Nothing’sworsethanbeingtrappedin a room with someone who is creating dumb arguments, trying to proveimpossible-to-provethings,andhammeringyouwiththeirinsufferableopinions.Unlessit’sthisbook.Thenit’stotallyfine.

2.Not to get too technical, butwe’re throwing eachpick in the timemachinerightafterhisseasonends.

3.FYI:We’replayingtheFinalFinalsatMSG,sellingticketsandeverything.Idon’t want tomake the samemistake Rockymadewhen he fought Drago inRussia on Christmas Day for no money. (Which barely topped these otherdoozies as thedumbestmomentofRocky IV:Apollodying in the ring for tensolidminuteswithoutmedical help and 100 people crowding the ring;Rockyclimbinga20,000-footRussianmountaininsnowbootsandawintercoat;andtheSovietcrowdturningonDragoandrootingforRocky.)If thefutureof theworldisatstake,wemayaswellprofitfromthisthing.Bytheway,IenvisiontheFinalFinals ending likeRocky IV did,with theWineCellarTeamand theMartians forging amutual respect andMagic Johnson telling the fans, “Whatyoujustsawoutherewas12humansand12alienspracticallykillingthemselves…butIguessit’sbetterthantenbillion”and“IftheMartianscanchange,andthehumanscanchange,everyonecanchange!”

4. His most underrated postseason: 7 brutally physical games against theThugballKnicks,6

hard-foughtgamesagainstanexcellentCavs team,and6moreagainsta scaryBlazersteam…andheneverfadedevenoneiota.

5.Worthnoting: Ichangedmyopinionon’92MJvs. ’96MJbetween17and700differenttimes.I’mstillnotsurethatImadetherightpick.The’92MJwasathleticallysuperiorandhada90

percentideaofTheSecret;the’96MJwas90percentasgoodbutembracedTheSecret.Sotough.Idon’tknow.Fuck.

6. I considered ’92DavidRobinsonhere becausehe averaged a 23–12with astaggering 6.8 stocks per game (4.5 blocks, 2.3 steals), the highest post-1973totalofall time.And therewasnogreater teammateorbettercentercandidateformy press.ButRobinson had that propensity to choke in the clutch, and ifanythinghappenedtoKareem…

7.That’sanhomagetomyfriendDaveDameshek,aradiohostwithaweekly“Jerk List” who starts the segment by telling all of that week’s jerks, “Justremember,Ididn’tdothis…youdidthis.”

8.WhenTheSecondBookofBasketballiswrittenLeBronwillalmostdefinitelybeunseatingLarryLegendorDuncanfromthestartinglineup,barringaterribleinjuryorsomeoneframinghimforacrime.Fornow,Iwantanintangiblesguyasmybackupsmall forwardand that’sPippen.We’llkeepBron in thegaragewith a cover on him like a brand-newTestarossa. 9.You know this book hasdraggedontoolongwhenI’mcomingupwithsubnicknamesformynicknames(thooler/cooler). Don’t worry, we’re almost done. I know you’re like one ofthoseoverheatedmarathonrunnersonthetwenty-sixthmilerightnow.

10.Conceivably, I could have picked all fivemembers of the ’92 or ’93All-DefenseFirstTeam:Pippen,Rodman,MJ,DumarsandeitherRobinson(’92)orHakeem(’93),thenswappedLeBronforMJandmadethatmyMurderousPress.ButthatwouldhaveinvolveddumpingWaltonforRobinson/Hakeem,WadeforDumars and Ray Allen for Rodman… too risky. You wouldn’t believe howmuchtimeIspentcomingupwiththisteam.Wearetalkingdozensanddozensofhours.Andevery timeI thought,“I reallyneeda life,” I remembered,“Buthey,it’sformybook!”

andthatmadeitokay.

11.Waitasecond…didI juststealanideafromRickPitino,oneof theleastsuccessful NBA coach/execs in modern basketball history? This book reallyneedstoendsoon.12.Sorry,Ray.You’realuxury.Nobodyplays12guys;it’snonsensical.Ifyoudon’tlikeit,wecanmakecallstoKerrandNashrightnow.Justsaytheword.Bytheway,ifLeBronbeatsoutWadeforthosebackupSGminutes,I’mfinewiththat.Maythebesthypotheticalmanhypotheticallywin.

13.PoorIsiahevengetscutfromtheWineCellarTeam(foralegitimatereasonthistime:3-pointshooting).ButconsideringMJhatedhimenoughtokeephimofftheDreamTeam,wouldn’thehavesaid,“Look,I’dratherseeEarthblowupoverbeingteammateswiththatguy?”Ifeelliketheanswerisyes.

14.Iwentwith’88Pitinoinsteadof’96Pitinobecause’96Pitinohadtoobiganegotobesomebody’sassistant.ThisisaguywhooncewroteabookcalledLeadtoSucceed:10TraitsofGreatLeadershipinBusinessandLifeoneyearafterhefinishedruiningtheCelticsandtheentireteamquitonhim.

15.IfyouthoughtRussellandWiltshouldstarttogether,theydidsoin’61and’62andlostbyacombined41points.RussellmailedinAll-Stargames(10–12in28MPG)exceptforafterWiltmovedWestin’63,whenRussell’steamwonall threeyears (Russell: 16–19–4;Wilt: 19–18–1).WhenWilt returned in ’66,theEastwon two of the next three, aswell as in ’69 afterWiltwent to L.A.(mail-insfromRussellandWilt).SoRussellwas4–0inAll-Starsvs.Wiltand3–3asteammates.Thoughtthatsaiditall.

16.Originally,Iwasworriedabout’74Kareemand’77Kareemhypotheticallyplaying against eachother because they couldn’t be in twoplaces at the sametime.OrsoIthought.BecauseasSeason5ofLostproved,theycouldbeinthesame place as long aswe didn’t disturb the past tomake it happen.And thatcould only happen if it was preordained to happen. So for it to happen, thatmeans even before conceiving of the pre-1977/post-1977 series, Iwould havealreadyalteredKareem’slifebackin1974and1977whenFutureBillwentbackinmytimemachineandgrabbedhimattwodifferentpointsinhislife.SoeventhoughIdidn’tthinkoftheideauntillastyear,’74

and ’77Kareem alreadywill have had the experience of traveling forward intime tohypotheticallyplayeachother.Did thatmakesense?(Waiting.)What?

Youhatemygutsformakingyourheadhurt?Howdareyou!

EPILOGUE

LifeAfterTheSecret

JUNE30,2009

WILLIAMTHEODOREWALTON III lives in a sprawling house filledwithhundredsofbooks,pictures,mementos,artifactsandeverythingelsethatshoulddefinitely be in BillWalton’s house. Turn left and you might see a VietnambooknexttoaHunterS.Thompsonbook.TurnrightandyoumightseeaphotoofBill andBobDylanhangingnext to a picture ofBill and JohnWooden.AlifelongresidentofthemostbeautifulcityinAmerica,WaltonownsaSpanish-style home thatmakes you think, “I am definitely, undoubtedly in SanDiegorightnow.”Thehousefeaturesabasketballhalf-courtandapool,aswellashislovelywife,Lori,twopoochesnamedAnnieandShasta,andablackcatnamedCharcoal.That’sright,ablackcat.

Thisblowsmeaway.BillWaltonseemslikethelastguywhoshouldtemptfatewith a black cat. Instead of beingmentioned in the same breathwithRussell,WiltandKareem,he’srememberedforbadluckandwhatcouldhavebeen.Hisbodycontinuestopayforaninjury-riddledcareerthatended22yearsago;onlyrecently could he start moving around after major back surgery left himbedridden for months. His feet betrayed him so egregiously that, within tenminutes of sitting down with him, I glance at his swollen, scarred, almostunrecognizable right foot, become distracted and lose my train of thought.Waltonwasblessedwithagiftandcursedwithabodythatcouldn’thandlethatgift. The curse trumped the gift. One of the few playerswho understood TheSecret completely and totally, poorWalton never had an extended chance toharvestit.

Whatwouldmakehimwantablackcat?WhynothireSpencerHaywoodasabutlerandstickladdersinfrontofeverydoorway?ThisisoneofmanyquestionsIplanonaskinghim.We’rechattingfifteendaysafter theLakerscapturedthe2009 title and sent my book into a tailspin. I turned in my manuscript rightbefore theplayoffs, thenspent thenext tenweeksprayingnothingwouldalterThePyramidorTheSecret.Youknow,likeLeBron’steammajesticallyfailing

and raising legitimate questions about his future in Cleveland. (Damn.) LikeDwightHoward inexplicably leadingOrlando to the Finals and creeping up afewPyramidspots.(Crap.)LikeKobewinninghisfirsttitle,leapfroggingWestandOscarandreinventinghimselfasateamplayerinthemindsofmanywritersand fans. (Shit.)1Although the Lakers clearly prevailed as a group,with PauGasol (the league’smost talentedoffensivecenter),LamarOdom(agiftedall-aroundforward),TrevorAriza(abreakoutswingmanwithalittleRobertHorryinhim)andDerekFisher (whodrained the twobiggestshotsof theFinals)allshining throughout the playoffs, themedia became obsessed that LosAngeleswasonlywinningbecause“Kobe,reallyreallywantsthis!”and

“Kobe finally trusts his teammates!” Too bad the relevant per-game numbersdidn’tbackthatrhetoricup.

2008KOBE(21PLAYOFFGAMES):

30.1pts,5.7reb,5.6ast,3.3TO,22.0FGA,9.2FTA,47.9FG%,81FT%,303FG%,41.1

MPG.

2009KOBE(23PLAYOFFGAMES):

30.2pts,5.3reb,5.5ast,2.6TO,23.0FGA,8.6FTA,45.7FG%,88FT%,353FG%,40.9

MPG.2

If anything,Kobe’scircumstanceschanged.Boston,SanAntonioandHoustonwere crippled by season-ending injuries toKevinGarnett,ManuGinobili andYaoMing.Clevelandmadeaninfuriatingandindefensibledecisiontostandpatatthetradedeadline.3Asallofthiswashappening,Ariza’smaturationpushedtheLakers toanother level.This iswhat Ibelieve.Thenagain, IamadiehardBostonfan.DoIbelieveKobe’s“growth”asateammatewassmokeandmirrorsbecause I’mbiased,orbecause it’s true?ThiswaswhyIcalledWalton.SincehissonjoinedtheLakersin2003,LukeandBillprobablyhadeveryconceivableconversation about Kobe Bryant. 4 Of the living basketball players whounderstood and executedTheSecret—call itTheSecretClub—Walton shouldhavethebestperspectiveonhim.AtleastIhopeso.OrelseIplanondrivingmycarintooncomingtrafficonthewayhome.

WesitdowninWalton’slivingroomandapurringCharcoalnudgesagainstme,jumpsonmylapandnestlesintomybelly.Waltonfinallyshoosheraway.Youcould choke on the irony. We spend the first 30 minutes talking basketballbeforeIexplainTheSecrettohim.ItellhimtheIsiah/Vegasstoryandreadtwoexcerpts from The Franchise. Walton stares ahead and digests everything.Finally…

“It’snotasecret,”hedecides,“asmuchasachoice.Lookattheforcesfightingagainstthatchoice.Lookattheforcespushingyoutomaketheotherchoice,thewrong choice. It’s all about you. It’s all about material acquisitions, physicalgratification, stats and highlights.Everywhere you go, you’re bombardedwiththe opposite message of what really matters. And you wouldn’t even knowotherwiseunlessyouplayedwiththerightplayerorrightcoach:theWoodens,theAuerbachs,theRamseys,theRussells,theBirds.Howmanypeoplegetthatlucky?KobewasblessedtohavePhil

[Jackson]andeventuallyrealizedthat.Withatrulygreatcoach,it’snotaboutadiagram, it’snotaboutaplay, it’snotaboutapractice, it’s thecourseof timeoverhistory. It’s the impact a coachhason the lives aroundhim.That’swhatPhilhasdoneforKobe.Thehistoryoflifeisthatmostpeoplefigureitout.Mostof the time it’s too late. That’s the real frustrating part—the squanderedopportunitiesthatyoucan’tgetback.Kobefigureditout.Ittookawhile,buthefigureditout.”

Perfect.Couldn’thavescriptedabetterrebuttal.SowhatifWaltonhijackedmypremise and changed it to “TheChoice”? (Which, I have to admit, has a nicering to it.) Jackson definitely wore Kobe down over time—a little like AndyDufresnebelievingthathistinyrockhammerschemewouldpropelhimthroughthe walls of Shawshank (remember, pressure over time?)—and that subtlepressure allowed the Lakers to gell. Just enough. It’s one more reason whyJacksonwears the“greatestNBAcoach” titlebelt:Heharnessed the talentsofthe league’s single most difficult superstar other than Wilt. Jackson did thisgradually,over thespanofasoliddecade,evenwalkingawayonce foreffect.Youcan’tcredithimforfundamentallychangingKobe,justfornudginghiminthe right direction and helping him find the balance between dominating andwinning.What Kobe did with that understanding, ultimately, was up to him.RememberwhenIwrotethatthevastmajorityofNBAcoachesdon’tultimatelymatter?Jacksonmatters.

Myfavorite imageof the2009FinalswasPhil’sfaceafterKobewentone-on-four at the end of Game 2 (ignoring three wide-open teammates) and had ahideousshotblocked.Withanovertimeperiodlooming,Kobestormedbacktohis bench while a sitting Jackson watched from a few seats away, lookingslightlyamused,slightlydisgustedandabsolutelyunwillingtoblowthemomentout of proportion. 5 You know what Jackson’s reaction reminded me of,actually?Beingmarried.Spendenoughtimewithsomeoneandyouaccepttheirstrengths andweaknesses forwhat they are.For instance, I ammessy. I leaveclothesonthefloor.Imakecoffeeinthemorning,mistakenlyleavegroundsonthecounterandforgettocleanthemup.I’mselfishlyabsentmindedlikethat.Mywifestoppedcomplainingaboutitthreeyearsago.WhenIdothosethingsnow,shemakesthePhilJacksonFace.Crap.I’mstuckwithhim.It’snotevenworthgetting into it.Theplussesoutweigh theminuses.Let’smove forward.Jacksonnevermade that facewithhis firstwife(MJ);withhissecondwife(Kobe),hemakes iteverysooften.Youcouldsay they’rean imperfectmatch,and ifyouwant to keep thedomestic analogygoing, they even legally separated in2004afterafewunhappyyears.Nowtheymightgoonlikethisindefinitely.Whenacoachspendsenoughtimewiththesamestar, theyreallydostart tofeel likeamarriedcouple.6

EvenKobeadmits thatJacksonallowedhimtoreachhispotential.Hebecamemoreforgivingofteammatesandmoreinvestedintheir individualsuccess.Hepushedhimself to another level physically, hiring trainerTimGlover to travelwith him full-time, tweaking his game constantly and hoping his work ethicwould lift teammates just by proxy.He submitted an unforgettable display ofhuman will from Halloween 2007 through June 2009, leading his team toconsecutive Finals, winning an NBA title, and playing in the maximum 164regular-seasongamesand44

playoff games without a summer break, thanks to the Olympics. He was theTerminator.HewasSchwarzeneggerwithbulletsbouncingoffhim.Forsuchapolarizingplayer, I found it fascinating that somany livingbasketball legends(Walton,Russell,West,BirdandMagic,tonamefive)professedsuchprofoundappreciation ofKobe’s talents.And really, the best basketball players are likeelitechefs,writersorsingers—theyknowinstinctivelywhensomeoneelsehasreachedtheirlevel.WhenBirdorWaltonexplainsthat,yes,KobeBryantistrulymagnificent, you cannot disagree. 7 Still, I believe that Kobe only becametranscendentonhis terms.Hemadesacrificesas longashekept receiving thelion’sshareofcreditandattention.Ifanything,histeammatesandcoacheswere

the ones practicing The Secret—they allowed themselves to be portrayed likebackupsingers,filledtheirrespectiveroles,allowedKobetothrive,handedoverthespotlightandnevercomplained.Likeanarrangementofsorts.NodifferentfromtheClintonslookingateachotheronceuponatimeandprobablydeciding,“Maybe this isn’t ideal,butwegiveeachother thebest chance towin.”Kobemay have bent a little, I tellWalton, but his teammates bentmore. Once theDiseaseofMorekicksin,theymaynotbeaswilling.8

“Kobe only wants to win,” Walton counters. “It doesn’t matter what yourmotivation is, or that your game or your style is different, or that it’s notperceivedtoberightoracceptable.Wehaveseenanentirespectrum[ofthings]fromhimthisdecade,andrightnowhe’sreallyreallygood.Look,youwanthimto be perfect for you.This comes back to your choice—who your heroes are.Youchosetovalueacertaintypeofplayeroveranyoneelse.Hehastherighttomakehischoice,too.”

Game,set,match,Walton.

“Iguessyou’reright,”I tellhim.“Kobemadeachoicetoplaythatway,andImadeachoicenot to totally like it.ButIstillbelievehecangetbetter. Iwanthim to reach the pointwhere I’mwatching him and believing that he doesn’tcarewhogets thecredit, justwhowins. Ididn’t feel thatwayafter theFinals.Doesthatmakesense?”

“It makes sense.” Walton nods. “Your dislike of Kobe’s style makes itimpossible for you to be happy for the Laker championship. Guys like Bird,MagicandRussellplayedastylethatevenopposingfansenjoyedandultimatelyliked.”

“Andyou,”Iadd.

“Well…”

Walton glances down to the ground. He hates discussing his own career butlovesdiscussinganyonewhoplayedwithhim.MentionBirdtoWaltonandhestarts gushing and rattling off Larry Legend stories.Mention the timeWaltondunkedonKareem’sheadinthe’77Playoffsandhereactslikehe’sawaitingtheresultsofacolonscopy.That’sjustthewayheis.Thirty-twoyearslater,hestillwants people to believe thatMauriceLucaswas the heart and soul of the ’77Blazers.Evenretired,heremainsunselfish.9

Imentionthatwemayhavejustfiguredoutthefinallevelofbasketball—whenateamplayssowelltogetherthatevenopposingfansconcede.“Igottasay,eventhoughwegot our asses kicked, thatwas beautiful towatch.”Magic’sLakerswerelikethat.Bird’sCelticswerelikethat.The’96

Bullsand’70Knickswerelikethat.

“Youplayedontwoteamslikethat,”Itellhim.“Eighty-sixandSeventy-seven.”

“Idid,”hesays.“Idefinitelydid.”

Hechangesthesubjectbecausethat’swhatBillWaltondoeswhenthesethingscomeup.Herevealsthathe’sbeenwatchingalotofinternationalsoccerlately,which is interestingbecause Ihavebeendoing thesame.Aworld-classsoccerteam and a world-class basketball team succeed for the same reason: Theycontrol the flow of the proceedings. In soccer, the best players are usuallymidfielders,likeKakaonBrazil,whocandominateoffensivelywithoutscoringagoal.PlayerslikeKakaareimpossiblyskilled.10Theyseeanglesotherscan’tsee. They are always a split-second ahead of their peers. Their unselfishnesspermeatestoeveryoneelse.Ifyouwatchcloselyenough,youwillnoticeKakaandateammateoccasionallyclickingmuchlikeWaltonandBirddidbackintheday.Youknow,theESPthing.Thereisn’tenoughofit inbasketballanymore.Howmanytimescanwewatchanalphadogaimlesslydribbling25feetfromthebasketwhilehisteammatesstandaroundwatchinghim?Maybethat’swhyBillWaltonandIhavegravitatedtowardsoccer.Justalittle.

“Itallstartswiththeflow,”Waltonsays.“Throwintheperformanceaspectandthat’s when you really have something. Larry [Bird] played with passion,persistance,andpurpose.Therewasmeaningtohisperformances.SameforBobDylan,NeilYoung, JerryGarcia, Jordan,Magic…. It was important to them,whichmadeitimportanttous.Thepersonalityoftheleadplayerbringswithitallkindsofresponsibilities.Notjustajob,it’sawayoflife.WithLarry,peoplewouldbuy ticketswhere theycouldn’tevensee thegame.Obstructedseats…justtobethere!Peoplejustwantedtobeinthearenaandfeelthatgoldenglow.Hewasincomparable.Hecoulddothingsthatnobodyelsecouldeventhinkofdoing and he would do them in the biggest moments on the grandest stages.That’scontroloftheflow.Flowplusmeaningequalsperformance.”

“AndKobecontrolledtheflowinhisownway,”Iadd.“Maybenotintheideal

basketballsenseforsomeonelikeyouorme,butstill,he’scontrollingtheflow.”

“Exactly,”BillWaltonsays.

Wehavebeentalkingfortwohoursnow.The’77BlazerscameupearlierwhenImentionedananecdote fromBreaksof theGame andWalton reacted likehehadneverheardthestorybefore.Andhehadn’t.That’showIlearnedthatBillWalton,oneofthemostwell-readathletesofmylifetimeandthefocalpointofthebestsportsbookeverwritten,hadneveractuallyreadthebook.Breakswasreleasedin1982.Waltontriedtoreaditwhenitcameout.Hecouldn’t.Hetriedtoreaditafewmonthslater.Hecouldn’t.Overthepastthreedecades,WaltonestimatesthathestartedBreaksfifteentimes.Henevermadeitpastthefirstfewpages.11

“It’stoosad,”hesaidwistfully.“Suchaspecialpartofmylife.Sofantastic.”

“Wait,wouldn’tthatmakeyouwanttoreadit?”

“Iknowhowitended,”Waltonsaidgrimly.

Atthetime,Ichangedtopicsbecauseheseemedonthevergeofbreakingdown.Twohours later, I comeback to it. I have to.The truth is, I don’t really careaboutKobe.IthoughtIdid…butIdon’t.Ididn’tdriveallthewaytoSanDiegoto askBillWalton aboutKobeBryant. I had another reason. Even if I didn’twanttoadmitit.

“Thereareonly like fourteen, fifteenguyseverwhounderstoodbasketball thewayyoudid,”Itellhim.“Youcallitachoice,Icallitasecret,buteitherway,it’sanexclusiveclub.You’retheonlyonewhodidn’treallygettousethatgift.Nowwehavetwogenerationsofpeoplewhodon’trealizethatyouwereoneofthebestcenterswhoeverlived.”

“I’mLuke’sdad,”Waltonjokes.

Only it isn’t a joke. Now I’m angry. I glance at his mangled feet. I want tochastise them. I want to scream, “Look at what you did! YOU DID THIS!”Instead, Imake an awkward comparison to the late JerryGarcia—former leadsinger of Walton’s favorite band—and how Walton lasting for just 517professionalgameswouldbeliketheDead’scareergettingcutshortbyGarcia’sfaultythroat.12Itseemscrueleventhreedecadeslater.Throwintheundeniable

fact that nobody—ever, not in the history of mankind—openly relished andtreasuredtheexperienceofplayingonspecialteamsmorethanWaltondid,andthat’swhenitbecomessomewhattragic.TheSecretshouldnevergetscreweduplikethis.Right?

“Ican’tthinkaboutit,”Waltonexplainssimply.“It’saboutwhat’snext.That’swhatIthinkabout.”

And that’showhehandles it…bynot thinkingabout it.Waltonwon’twatchanytapesfromwhenheplayed.Hewon’treadanunforgettablebookaboutthepinnacleofhisplayingcareer.Somethingliketwentysurgerieslater,BillWaltonisstillhealing.Helooksforwardandnotback.That’swhyheownsablackcat.He is telling theGodsofBadLuck,“evenaftereverything that justhappened,you cannot breakme.” I love this aboutWalton. I love the fact that he has ablackcat.Ifuckingloveit.

On theotherhand, Iamsuddenlyworried thathewon’t readmybook. Iwanthimtoreadmybook.Itellhimthis.

“OfcourseI’llreadit,”hesays.“Ireadeverythingyouwrite.”

“Yeah,butyou’reinit,andyousaidyoudon’tlikethinkingabout—”

“Iwillabsolutelyreadyourbook,”BillWaltonsaysagain.IwishIcouldbelievehim.

Wesayourgoodbyesafewminuteslater.Onmywayhome,Icallmyfatherandrecount the entire experience with him, right down to the part where one ofWalton’ssons(Adam)openedthefrontdoortogreetme.

“Wow, rememberwatching thosekids jumpingon eachother in theGarden?”myfathersays.

“Youtoldthemwewererightthereforthosegames,right?”

Idid.

“Whatayearthatwas,”myfathersays.“AllourCelticyearsblendtogetherformenow,but I can still remember everythingabout the eighty-six season.Youtellhimthat?”

Idid.

Onlyafewweeksearlier,myfatherrenewedhisticketsforthethirty-sixthtime.Aftertoomanyyearstoilingawayincoach,he’sbackinfirstclass:TheCelticswonthe2008titleandshouldcontendforthenextfewyearsatleast.Funnyhowlife works out. We hang up only because I am entering a highway with myconvertibletopdown.IleaveSanDiegowithmyepiloguealreadywritteninmyhead,withBillWalton’shousebehindmeandthePacificOceantomyleft,withthe sun shiningandblue skies above,withmy familywaiting forme to comehome.Picturemerollin’.

1.Forthepaperback,I’mexpandingthePyramidto13andstickingKobeatNo.8.Andyouknowwhat?Duncan’sNo.7spotisn’tsafe.Let’sseehowthenextfewyearsplayout.2.Kobe’snumbersjumpedfrom21.9FGAand5.0APGinthe’08Finalsto27.0FGAand7.4

APGin’09.TheMagicdidn’thaveatraditional2-guardtostophim;’08Celticsweresuperiordefensivelyandhandledhimstraightup.

3.TheCavs could have dealtWallySzezcerbiak’s expiring contract for Shaq,Antwan Jamison or Vince Carter and stupidly opted to do nothing. AfterOrlando shocked them in theEastern Finals, they traded for Shaq fourweekslater. This was like a family buying homeowner’s insurance four weeks afterrobberscleanedouttheirhouse.

4.Thankstothe’09Finals,LukeandBillbecamethethirdfather-soncombotowinanNBAtitlealongwiththeBarrys(RickandJon)andGoukases(MattandMatt). I wanted to make a Nick/TeresaWeatherspoon joke here—badly—buttheyaren’trelated.

5.Inmycolumnthefollowingday,Icalleditthe“PhilJackson‘ShouldIpointoutthatMJwouldhaveabsolutelypassedthere?Nahhhhhhh’Face.”

6. Russell andAuerbachwere the Cleavers. Havlicek andHeinsohnwere theBunkers. Magic and Riley were the Huxtables. Jordan and Jackson were theSimpsons.DuncanandPopovichweretheBarones.PhilandKobe?TheyweredefinitelytheSopranos.AndIdon’tneedtotellyouwhowasTony.

7.BirdevenblessedKobepubliclyashisfavoriteactiveplayer.Iwillnowpeeltheskinoffmybody.

8.Not even 36 hours after I visitedWalton, theLakers allowedAriza to signwithHoustonand replacedhimwithRonArtest, a loose cannonandattentionhogwith a penchant for taking bad shots at thewrong times. Thiswon’t endwell.

9.Waltonbelievesbasketball’shighestlevelcomesdowntoonequestion:“Canyou make the choice that your happiness can come from someone else’ssuccess?”He then added, “My favorite part of the gamewas starting the fastbreak.”That’stheclosesthe’dcometosayingthathiswaywasthebestway.

10.Youknowyou’vebeenwatching toomuchsoccerwhenyoustopnoticinghow funny Kaka’s name is. At this point, I don’t even blink when I hearannouncersyellthingslike“HerecomesthegreatKaka!”

11.Ibroughttwo’86CelticsDVDstowatchwithWalton:thethirdquarterofGame5vs.Atlanta,andthefourthquarterofGame4inMilwaukee.Theynevercame out of my bag. Obviously. 12. A better comparison: Springsteen, whoopenly relished performingwith othersmuch likeWalton did. Imagine Bruceonly appearing on stage for 517 concerts spread over 15 years. Imagine himwistfullyrememberingthosefewtimesheleanedintoLittleStevie’smicrophoneand happily spat all over it, wondering why he couldn’t have played 5,000concertsinsteadof517.Depressing,right?

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This book was a labor of love and could not have been executed correctlywithouttheunyieldingsupportofJohnSkipper,JohnWalsh,GaryHoenig,GaryBelskyandRobKingfromESPN.Theybelievedinthisprojectandaffordedmetheschedulingflexibility topull itoff.Thanks toall.Special thanks toHoenigfor being the greatest Grumpiest Old Editor ever. His enthusiasm and savvyhelpedmethroughsomedarktimes.

ThankstoMalcolmGladwellfortheforewordandforhisadvice,friendshipandfeedback. He’s one of my top 700 favorite biracial Canadians. Thanks toWilliam Goldman and Chuck Klosterman for making crucial cameos in thebook.(IwillalwaysrememberwhenGoldmanreadmearoughdraftofwhathehadwrittenoverthephone.Oneofthetruehighlightsofmycareer.)

ThankstoIsiahThomas,SteveKerrandespeciallyBillWaltonformakingthisbookbetter.

Thanks a thousand times over to PaulHirschheimer ofNBAEntertainment, agood friendwhoattachedhimself tomybook from thebeginningandmade it9.33percentbetter.Thanksaswell toDavidStern,AdamSilver,MattBourne,JohnHareasandDavidZubrzycki.

ThankstoHirschyandmybuddyJoeHousefortheirearlyfeedbackonchaptersand Pyramid rankings. House deserves special commendation for twenty-oneyearsofNBAconversationsthatshapedthisbooktosomedegree.Also,thanksto Wally and Gus Ramsey for three decades of friendship, including thatfortuitousdaywhenwecreatedthePyramidwhiledrivingtoShea.

Thankstoaremarkablegroupoffriends(afewmadecameosinthisbook)formakingme funnier by osmosis. In particular, JohnO’Connell, KevinWildes,Dave Jacoby, Connor Schell, Jamie Horowitz and House had valuablesuggestions every time I emailed them footnote-related questions like “Whoweretheworstcelebritydadsever?”Thankstomyoldboss,JimmyKimmel,forsevenyearsoffriendshipandcareeradvice,aswellasShawnSullivan(theMVPof my wedding) and Rob Strikwerda for their friendship and help with theCeltics/Clippers.ThankstomyfriendRussellShermanforcomingupwiththisbook’s title. And thanks to every reader who ever took time to email me,especiallytheoneswhoappearedinthisbook.

Thanks to Neil Fine, Kevin Jackson, David Schoenfield, Michael Philbrick,MichaelKnisley,JayLovingerandMarkGilesfor theireditingexpertise from2001–2009. And thanks to Gary Sulentic, Bob Holmes and JohnWilpers forgivingmechancesallthoseyearsago.

ThankstoRandomHouse’sMarkTavaniforhishelpandforconvincingmethatthisbookwouldn’tgetscreweduplikemyfirstonedid.Thankstoeveryoneelseat Random House, as well as Steve Wulf, Sandy DeShong and everyone atESPN Books. Thanks to my agent, the legendary James “Baby Doll” Dixon,someonewhoshouldhavebecomemyteammatebefore2009.ThankstoLewisKay,DanKloresandEllieSeifertforeverythingthey’reabouttodo.Thankstoeverywriterandteacherwhoinspiredme(toomanytolist).AndthankstoBillRussell,LarryBird,BobRyanand the lateDavidHalberstam for teachingmeBasketball101onceuponatime.

Thanks to my parents, stepparents and extended family for their unwaveringsupport. You already know how my father affected this book, but my poormotherdidn’tgetenoughcreditforgivingmethewritinggeneandforbeingmysinglebiggestfan.

Thankstomywonderfulwife,Kari,forputtingupwithmetheselastthreeyears.Her take: “ThankGod life is back to normal. If you ever start another seven-hundred-pagebook,I’mgoingtomurderyouinyoursleep.Eitherway,IwishIhadmarriedZackGalifianakis.”Goodtoknow.

Thanks to Ben for everything that’s about to happen.He’smy best-friend-in-training.

Finally, thankstoZoe.IcouldhaveturnedintoJackNicholsoninTheShiningthesepast threeyears ifnotformybeautifuldaughtercheeringmeup,makingmelaughandconstantlyputtingasmileonmyface.Shewon’trememberthisafewyearsfromnow,soIwantedtomentionithere.IwishIknewhersecret.

BillSimmons

July4,2009

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Iplowedthroughnearlyonehundredbooksthathelpedmewritethisone.Here’showtheybrokedownbycategoryandinfluenceonmybook.

INFLUENTIALMUST-READS:LifeontheRun(BillBradley)…TheSeason(KennyDryden)

…Wait’TilNextYear (WilliamGoldmanandMikeLupica)…TheBreaksofthe Game; Playing for Keeps (David Halberstam) … 24 Seconds to Shoot(LeonardKoppett)…UnfinishedBusiness (JackMacCallum)…LooseBalls;Tall Tales (Terry Pluto)…SecondWind (BillRussell andTaylorBranch)…TheFranchise(CameronStauth)

VERY HELPFUL AND HIGHLY ENJOYABLE: The City Game (by PeteAxthelm) …Wilt (Wilt Chamberlain and David Shaw) …Hang Time (BobGreene)…SacredHoops(PhilJackson)…

Wilt,1962(GaryPomerantz)…TheJordanRules(SamSmith)…Foul(DavidWolf)

EXTREMELYUSEFUL:Who’sBetter,Who’sBestinBasketball?(ElliottKalb)…Showtime(PatRiley)…TheBigO(OscarRobertson)…TheNBA’sTop50(KenShouler)…TheGoldenBoys (CameronStauth)…TheOfficial2008–09NBARegister…TheOfficial2008–09NBAGuide

ENJOYABLE BOOKS THAT HELPED A LITTLE: The Fab Five (MitchAlbom)… Everything They Had (David Halberstam)… The Best AmericanSportsWritingoftheCentury(editedbyDavidHalberstam)…FathersPlayingCatchwithSons (DonaldHall)…TheLastSeason (PhilJacksonwithCharleyRosen)…Pistol(MarkKriegel)…BestSeatintheHouse(SpikeLeeandRalphWiley)… 07 Seconds or Less (Jack McCallum) … The Franchise (MichaelMcCambridge)

… A Sense of Where You Are (John McPhee) … The Short Season (JohnPowers)…SportsGuy (CharlesP.Pierce)…TheTwentiethCenturyTreasuryofSports(editedbyAlandBrianSilverman)…ClassicWiley(RalphWiley)

HELPFUL,NOTATOTALWASTEOFTIME:GiantSteps (KareemAbdul-Jabbar)…Drive (LarryBirdandBobRyan)…TipOff (FilipBondy)…ThePerfectTeam (ForewordbyChuckDaly)…The InsideGame (WaybeEmbrywith Mary Schmidt Boyer) … Maravich (Wayne Federman and MarshallTerrell) … Hondo (John Havlicek with Bob Ryan) … Give ’Em the Hook(TommyHeinsohnandJoeFitzgerald)…MoreThanaGame(PhilJacksonwithCharleyRosen)

…SacredHoops(PhilJacksonwithHughDelancy)…MyLife(MagicJohnsonandBillNovak)

…Goliath(BillLibby)…OnlytheStrongSurvive(LarryPlatt)…RedandMe(BillRussellwithAlanSteinberg)…48Minutes(BobRyanandTerryPluto)…CallingtheShots(EarlStrom)…

TheRivalry(JohnTaylor)

NOT PARTICULARLY HELPFUL: The Long Season (Rick Adelman andDwightJaynes)…

Auerbach onAuerbach;On andOff theCourt;RedAuerbach (RedAuerbachwithJoeFitzgerald)

…ConfessionsofaBasketballGypsy (RickBarryandDavidWolf)…OutofBounds (Jeff Benedict) … The Last Loud Roar (Bob Cousy) … Covert: MyYears Infiltrating the Mob (Bob Delaney)… The Punch (John Feinstein)…ChampionsRemembered(RayFitzgerald)…

Rebound (Bob Greene)… The Jump (Ian O’Connor)…When Nothing ElseMatters (Michael Leahy)…TheBig Three; The Last Banner (PeterMay)…TheDriveWithinMe(BobPettitwithBobWolff)…FallingfromGrace(TerryPluto)…ButTheyCan’tBeatUs(RandyRoberts)…

TheProGame(BobRyan)…BlackPlanet(DavidShields)…CanIKeepMyJersey? (Paul Shirley)… Second Coming (Sam Smith)…Evergreen; SeeingRed(DanShaughnessy)…

BasketballMyWay(JerryWestandBillLibby)…Mr.Clutch(JerryWest)

Also,IplowedthrougheveryrelevantNBAfeaturefrom1954through2000inSportsIllustrated,aswellascountlesspiecesfromTheNewYorkTimesandTheBostonGlobe spanning that same time frame.All can be found on-line at theTimes/Globe websites or www.SIVault.com. Old issues of Inside Sports from1980–84 were particularly helpful. Basketballreference.com and ESPN.comcouldn’t have been more helpful. For visual references, I burned over threehundredclassicgames toDVDfromNBATVorESPNClassic from2002 to2007,tradedforafewotherson-lineandeagerlydevourednearlyonehundredrarely seen games that NBA Entertainment was gracious enough to sendme.ShowslikeGreatestNBAGames(ESPN2),NBAVault(ESPN),SportsCentury(ESPN Classic) and Beyond the Glory (Fox Sports Net) also filled in a fewholes. Another unbelievable help: The treasure chest of interviews, highlightsanduncutgamesonYouTube.Itwouldhavebeennearlyimpossibletowritethisparticularbookasrecentlyasfiveyearsago.Sothankstoall.

Lastnote:Beforethereleaseofmybook,Iamhopingtocompileaninteractivesection of links and YouTube clips that will correspond to the pages andchaptersofthisbookat

www.thebookofbasketball.com.

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

BILLSIMMONSwritesthe“SportsGuy”columnforESPN.com’sPage2andESPN:TheMagazine.HeistheauthorofNowICanDieinPeace,foundedtheaward-winning bostonsportsguy.com website and was a writer for JimmyKimmelLive.HecommutesbetweenhishomeinLosAngelesandFenwayPark.

Copyright©2009byBillSimmons

Allrightsreserved.

PublishedintheUnitedStatesbyESPNBooks,animprintofESPN,Inc.,NewYork, and Ballantine Books, an imprint of The Random House PublishingGroup,adivisionofRandomHouse,Inc.,NewYork.

BALLANTINEandcolophonareregisteredtrademarksofRandomHouse,Inc.TheESPN

BooksnameandlogoareregisteredtrademarksofESPN,Inc.

GratefulacknowledgmentismadetoHarperCollinsPublishersforpermissiontoreprintanexcerptfromTheFranchisebyCameronStauth.

Copyright © 1990 by Cameron Stauth. Reprinted by permission ofHarperCollinsPublishers.

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Simmons,Bill.

Thebookofbasketball:theNBAaccordingtothesportsguy/BillSimmons.p.cm.

eISBN:978-0-345-51311-3

1.Basketball..NationalBasketballAssociation..Title.

GV885.1.S462009

796.323.′640973—dc22009036006

www.ballantinebooks.com

www.espnbooks.com

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