AbouttheAuthors

SLASHlivesinLosAngeles,California,withhiswife,Perla,andtheirtwosons,LondonandCash.

FormerRollingStonestaffwriterANTHONYBOZZAistheauthoroftwoNewYorkTimesbestsellers,WhateverYouSayIAm:TheLifeandTimesofEminemandTommyland,theautobiographyofMotleyCruedrummerTommyLee.HelivesinNewYorkCity.

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1

Stoked

IwasbornonJuly23,1965,inStoke-on-Trent,England,thetownwhereLemmyKilmisterofMotörheadwasborntwentyyearsbeforeme.Itwastheyearrockandrollasweknowitbecamegreaterthanthesumofitsparts;theyearafewisolatedbandschangedpopmusicforever.TheBeatlesreleasedRubberSoulthatyearandtheStonesreleasedRollingStonesNo.2,thebestoftheircollectionsofbluescovers.TherewasacreativerevolutionafootthathasneverbeenequaledandI’mproudtobeaby-productofit.

MymomisanAfricanAmericanandmydadisEnglishandwhite.TheymetinParisinthesixties,fellinlove,andhadme.Theirbrandofinterracialintercontinentalcommunionwasn’tthenorm;andneitherwastheirboundlesscreativity.Ithankthemforbeingwhotheyare.TheyexposedmetoenvironmentssorichandcolorfulanduniquethatwhatIexperiencedevenwhileveryyoungmadeapermanentimpressiononme.MyparentstreatedmeasanequalassoonasIcouldstand.Andtheytaughtme,onthefly,howtodealwithwhatevercamemywayintheonlytypeoflifeI’veeverknown.

TonyHudsonandhissons,1972.SlashlooksexactlylikehissonLondonhere.

Mymom,Ola,wasseventeenandmydad,Anthony(“Tony”),wastwentywhentheymet.Hewasbornapainter,andlikepaintershistoricallydo,helefthisstuffyhometowntofindhimselfinParis.Mymomwasprecociousandexuberant,youngandbeautiful;she’dleftLosAngelestoseetheworldandmakeconnectionsinfashion.Whentheirjourneysintersectedtheyfellinlove,thengotmarriedinEngland.AndthenIcamealongandtheysetaboutcreatingtheirlifetogether.

Mymom’scareerasacostumedesignerstartedaround1966,andoverthecourseofit,herclientsincludedFlipWilson,RingoStarr,andJohnLennon.ShealsoworkedforthePointerSisters,HelenReddy,LindaRonstadt,andJamesTaylor.Sylvesterwasoneofherclients,too.Heisnolongerwithus,buthewasonceadiscoartistwhowaslikethegaySlyStone.Hehadagreatvoiceandhewasasupergoodpersoninmyeyes;hegavemeablack-and-whiteratthatInamedMickey.Mickeywasabadass.HeneverflinchedwhenIfedratstomysnakes.Hesurvivedafallfrommybedroomwindowafterhewastossedoutbymyyoungerbrother,andwasnoworseforthewearwhenheshowedupatourbackdoorthreedayslater.Mickeyalsosurvivedtheaccidentalremovalofasectionofhistailwhentheinnerchassisofoursofabedcutitoff,aswellasclosetoayearwithoutfoodorwater.Welefthimbehindbymistakeinanapartmentthatweusedasstoragespace,andwhenweeventuallypoppedintopickupsomeboxes,MickeycameuptomecongeniallyasifI’dbeengoneonlyaday,asiftosay,“Hey!Whereyoubeen?”

Mickeywasoneofmymorememorablepets.Therehavebeenmany,frommymountainlion,Curtis,tothehundredsofsnakesI’veraised.BasicallyIama

mymountainlion,Curtis,tothehundredsofsnakesI’veraised.BasicallyIamaself-taughtzookeeperandIdefinitelyrelatetotheanimalsI’velivedwithbetterthantomostofthehumansI’veknown.ThoseanimalsandIshareapointofviewthatmostpeopleforget:attheendofthedaylifeisaboutsurvival.Oncethatlessonislearned,earningthetrustofananimalthatmighteatyouinthewildisadefiningandrewardingexperience.

SOONAFTERIWASBORN,MYMOTHERreturnedtoL.A.toexpandherbusinessandtolaythefinancialfoundationourfamilywasbuiltupon.MydadraisedmeinEnglandathisparents’,CharlesandSybilHudson’s,homeforfouryears—anditwasn’teasyonhim.Iwasaprettyintuitivekid,butIcouldnotdiscernthedepthofthetensionthere.Mydadandhisdad,Charles,fromwhatIunderstand,hadlessthanthebestrelationship.Tonywasthemiddleofthreesons,andhewaseverybitthemiddlechildupstart.Hisyoungerbrother,Ian,andhisolderbrother,David,weremuchmoreinstepwiththefamily’svalues.Mydadwenttoartschool;hewaseverythinghisfatherwasn’t.Tonywasthesixties;andhestoodupforhisbeliefsaswholeheartedlyashisfathercondemnedthem.MygrandfatherCharleswasafiremanfromStoke,acommunitythathadsomehowskatedthroughhistoryunchanged.MostresidentsofStokeneverleave;many,likemygrandparents,hadneverventuredthehundredorsomilessouthtoLondon.Tony’sunyieldingvisionofattendingartschoolandmakingalivingthroughpaintingwassomethingCharlescouldnotstomach.Theirclashofopinionfueledconstantargumentsandoftenledtoviolentexchanges;TonyclaimsthatCharlesbeathimsenselessonaregularbasisformostofhisyouth.

Mygrandfatherwasasconsummatelyrepresentativeof1950sBritainashissonwasofthesixties.CharleswantedtoseeeverythinginitsrightplacewhileTonywantedtorearrangeandrepaintitall.IimaginethatmygrandfatherwasproperlyappalledwhenhissonreturnedfromParisinlovewithacarefreeblackAmerican.IwonderwhathesaidwhenTonytoldhimthatheintendedtobemarriedandraisetheirnewbornchildundertheirroofuntilheandmymomgottheiraffairsinorder.Allthingsconsidered,I’mtouchedbyhowmuchdiplomacywasdisplayedbythepartiesinvolved.

MYDADTOOKMETOLONDONASSOONasIcouldhandlethetrainride.Iwasmaybetwoorthree,butinstinctivelyIknewhowfarawayitwasfromStoke’sunendingmilesofbrownbrickrowhousesandquaintfamiliesbecausemydad

wasintoabitofabohemianscene.We’dcrashoncouchesandnotcomebackfordays.TherewereLavalampsandblacklights,andtheelectricexcitementoftheopenboothsandartistsalongPortobelloRoad.MydadneverconsideredhimselfaBeat,buthehadabsorbedthatkindoflifestylethroughosmosis.Itwasasifhehadhandpickedthehighlightsofthattypeoflife:aloveofadventure,hittingtheroadwithnothingbuttheclothesonyourback,findingshelterinapartmentsfullofinterestingpeople.Myparentstaughtmealot,butIlearnedtheirgreatestlessonearly—nothingelseisquitelikelifeontheroad.

IrememberthegoodthingsaboutEngland.Iwasthecenterofmygrandparents’attention.Iwenttoschool.Iwasinplays:TheTwelveDaysofChristmas;IwastheleadinTheLittleDrummerBoy.Idrewallthetime.AndonceaweekIwatchedTheAvengersandTheThunderbirds.TelevisioninlatesixtiesEnglandwasextremelylimitedandreflectedthepost–WorldWarII,Churchillviewoftheworldofmygrandparents’generation.Therewereonlythreechannelsbackthen,andasidefromthetwohoursaweekthatanyofthemplayedthosetwoprograms,allthreeplayedonlythenews.It’snowonderthatmyparents’generationthrewthemselvesheadfirstintotheculturalshiftthatwasafoot.

OnceTonyandIjoinedOlainLosAngeles,heneverspoketohisparentsagain.TheydisappearedfrommylifequicklyandIoftenmissedthemgrowingup.Mymotherencouragedmyfathertostayintouchbutitmadenodifference;hehadnointerest.Ididn’tseemyEnglishrelativesagainuntilGunsN’Rosesbecamewellknown.WhenweplayedWembleyStadiumin1992,theHudsonclancameoutinforce:backstagebeforetheshowIwitnessedoneofmyuncles,mycousin,andmygrandfather,onhisveryfirsttriptoLondonfromStoke,downeverydropofliquorinourdressingroom.Consumedinfull,ourboozeriderinthosedayswouldhavekilledanyonebutus.

MYFIRSTMEMORYOFLOSANGELESIStheDoors’“LightMyFire”blastingfrommyparents’turntable,everyday,alldaylong.InthelatesixtiesandearlyseventiesL.A.wastheplacetobe,especiallyforyoungBritsinvolvedintheartsormusic:therewasamplecreativeworkcomparedtothestill-stodgysysteminEnglandandtheweatherwasnothingbutparadisecomparedtoLondon’srainandfog.Besides,desertingEnglandforYankeeshoreswasthebestwaytoflipoffthesystemandyourupbringing—andmydadwasmorethanhappytodoso.

Mymothercontinuedherworkasafashiondesignerwhilemyfather

Mymothercontinuedherworkasafashiondesignerwhilemyfatherparlayedhisnaturalartistictalentintographicdesign.Mymomhadconnectionsinthemusicindustrysoherhusbandwassoondesigningalbumcovers.WelivedoffLaurelCanyonBoulevardinaverysixtiescommunityupatthetopofLookoutMountainRoad.ThatareaofLosAngeleshasalwaysbeenacreativehavenbecauseofthebohemiannatureofthelandscape.Thehousesaresetrightintothemountainsideamonglushfoliage.Theyarebungalowswithguesthousesandanyoddnumberofstructuresthatallowforveryorganic,communalliving.TherewasaverycozyenclaveofartistsandmusicianslivinguptherewhenIwasyoung:JoniMitchelllivedafewhousesdownfromus.JimMorrisonlivedbehindtheCanyonStoreatthattime,asdidayoungGlenFrey,whowasjustputtingtogethertheEagles.Itwasthekindofatmospherewhereeveryonewasconnected:mymomdesignedJoni’sclotheswhilemydaddesignedheralbumcovers.DavidGeffenwasaclosefriendofours,too,andIrememberhimwell.HesignedGunsN’Rosesyearslater,thoughwhenhedidhedidn’tknowwhoIwas—andIdidn’ttellhim.HecalledOlaatChristmasin1987andaskedherhowIwasdoing.“Youshouldknowhowhe’sdoing,”shesaid,“youjustputhisband’srecordout.”

AFTERAYEARORTWOINLAURELCANYONwemovedsouthtoanapartmentonDoheny.Ichangedschools,andthatiswhenIdiscoveredjusthowdifferentlytheaveragekidlived.Ineverhadatraditional“kid”roomfulloftoysandprimarycolors.Ourhomeswereneverpaintedincommonneutraltones.Theessenceofpotandincenseusuallyhungintheair.Thevibewasalwaysbright,butthecolorschemewasalwaysdark.Itwasfinewithme,becauseIwasneverconcernedwithconnectingwithkidsmyage.Ipreferredthecompanyofadultsbecausemyparents’friendsarestillsomeofthemostcolorfulcharactersI’veeverknown.

Ilistenedtotheradio24/7,usuallyKHJontheAMdial.Isleptwithiton.Ididmyschoolworkandgotgoodgrades,althoughmyteachersaidIhadashortattentionspananddaydreamedallthetime.Thetruthis,mypassionwasart.IlovedtheFrenchPostimpressionistpainterHenriRousseauand,likehim,Idrewjunglescenesfullofmyfavoriteanimals.Myobsessionwithsnakesstartedveryearly.ThefirsttimemymothertookmetoBigSur,California,tovisitafriendandcampupthere,IwassixyearsoldandIspenthoursinthewoodscatchingsnakes.I’ddigundereverybushandtreeuntilI’dfilledanunusedaquarium.ThenI’dletthemgo.

ThenI’dletthemgo.

Thatwasn’ttheonlyexcitementIexperiencedonthatouting:mymomandherfriendweresimilarlywild,carefreeyoungwomen,whoenjoyedracingmymom’sVolkswagenBugalongthetwistingcliffsideroads.Irememberspeedingalonginthepassengerseatscaredstiff,lookingoutmywindowattherocksandoceanthatlaybelow,justinchespastmydoor.

Slashusedtobeconvincedthathewasadinosaur;thenheenteredhisMowgliphase.

Thesightofaguitarstillturnsmeon.

MYPARENTS’RECORDCOLLECTIONWASflawless.TheylistenedtoeverythingfromBeethoventoLedZeppelinandIcontinuedtofindundiscoveredgemsintheirlibrarywellintomyteens.Ikneweveryartistofthedaybecausemyparentstookmetoconcertsconstantly,andsincemymomtookmetoworkwithheroftenaswell.AtaveryearlyageIwasexposedtotheinnerworkingsofentertainment:Isawtheinsideofmanyrecordingstudiosandrehearsalspaces,aswellasTVandfilmsets.IsawmanyofJoniMitchell’srecordingandrehearsalsessions;IalsosawFlipWilson(acomicwhowashugethenbutwhomtimehasforgotten)recordhisTVshow.IsawAustralianpopsingerHelenReddyrehearseandperform,andwastherewhenLindaRonstadtplayedtheTroubador.MomalsotookmealongwhensheoutfittedBillCosbyforhisstand-upgigsandmadehiswifeafewone-offpieces;IremembergoingwithhertoseethePointerSisters.Allofthatwasoverthecourseofhercareer,butwhenwelivedatthatapartmentonDoheny,herbusinesswasreallytakingoff:CarlySimoncameovertothehouse,soulsingerMinneRippertonaswell.ImetStevieWonderandDianaRoss.MymomtellsmethatImetJohnLennon,too,butunfortunatelyIdon’trememberthatatall.IdoremembermeetingRingoStarr:mymomdesignedtheveryParliament-FunkadelicoutfitthatRingowore

onthecoverofhis1974album,GoodnightVienna.Itwashigh-waistedandmetallicgraywithawhitestarinthemiddleofthechest.

EverybackstageorsoundstagescenethatIsawwithmymotherworkedsomekindofstrangemagiconme.Ihadnoideawhatwasgoingon,butIwasfascinatedbythemachinationsofperformancebackthenandIstillamnow.Astagefullofinstrumentsawaitingabandisexcitingtome.Thesightofaguitarstillturnsmeon.Thereisanunstatedwonderinbothofthem:theyholdtheabilitytotranscendrealitygiventherightsetofplayers.

Slashandhisbrother,Albionn,attheLaBreaTarPits.

MYBROTHER,ALBION,WASBORNINDecember1972.Thatchangedthedynamicofmyfamilyabit;suddenlytherewasanewpersonalityamongus.Itwascooltohavealittlebrother,andIwasgladtobeoneofhiscaretakers:Iloveditwhenmyparentswouldaskmetolookafterhim.

Butitwasn’ttoolongafterthatthatIbegantonoticeagreaterchangeinourfamily.Myparentsweren’tthesamewhentheyweretogetherandtoooftentheywereapart.ThingsstartedtogetbadIthinkoncewemovedintotheapartmentonDohenyDriveandmymom’sbusinessbegantoreallysucceed.Ouraddresswas710NorthDoheny,bytheway,whichisnowavacantlotwhereChristmastreesaresoldinDecember.Ishouldalsomentionthatournext-doorneighborin

thatbuildingwastheoriginal,self-proclaimedBlackElvis,whocanbebookedforpartiesinLasVegas—ifanyone’sinterested.

NowthatI’molderIcanseesomeoftheobviousissuesthatateawayatmyparents’relationship.Myfatherneverlikedhowclosemymotherwastohermother.Itbruisedhispridewhenhismother-in-lawhelpedusfinancially,andhewasneverfondofherinvolvementinthefamily.Hisdrinkingdidn’thelpthings:mydadusedtoliketodrink—alot.Hewasastereotypicallybaddrinker:hewasneverviolent,becausemydadismuchtoosmartandcomplicatedtoeverexpresshimselfthroughbruteviolence,buthehadabadtemperundertheinfluence.Whenhewasdrunk,he’dactoutbymakinginappropriatecommentsattheexpenseofthoseinhispresence.Needlesstosay,heburnedmanybridgesthatway.

Iwasonlyeight,butIshouldhaveknownthatsomethingwasreallywrong.Myparentsnevertreatedeachotherwithanythingbutrespect,butinthemonthsbeforetheysplitup,theycompletelyavoidedeachother.Mymomwasoutmostnightsandmydadspentthosenightsinthekitchen,somberandalone,drinkingredwineandlisteningtothepianocompositionsofErikSatie.Whenmymomwashome,mydadandIwentoutonlongwalks.

Hewalkedeverywhere,inEnglandandLosAngeles.Inpre–CharlesMansonL.A.—beforetheMansonclanmurderedSharonTateandherfriends—wealsousedtohitchhikeeverywhere.L.A.wasinnocentbeforethat;thosemurderssignifiedtheendoftheutopianidealsofthesixtiesFlowerPowerera.

MychildhoodmemoriesofTonyarecinematic;allofthemafternoonsspentlookingupathim,walkingbyhisside.ItwasononeofthosewalksthatweendedupatFatburger,wherehetoldmethatheandMomwereseparating.Iwasdevastated;theonlystabilityI’dknownwasdone.Ididn’taskquestions,Ijuststaredatmyhamburger.Whenmymomsatmedowntoexplainthesituationlaterthatnight,shepointedoutthepracticalbenefits:I’dhavetwohousestolivein.Ithoughtaboutthatforawhile,anditmadesenseinawaybutitsoundedlikealie;InoddedwhileshespokebutIstoppedlistening.

Myparents’separationwasamicableyetawkwardbecausetheydidn’tdivorceuntilyearslater.Theyoftenlivedwithinwalkingdistanceofeachotherandsocializedinthesamecircleoffriends.Whentheysplitup,mylittlebrotherwasjusttwoyearsold,soforobviousreasonstheyagreedthatheshouldbein

hismother’scare,butleftmetheoptionoflivingwitheitheroneofthemsoIchosetolivewithmymother.Olasupportedusasbestasshecould,travelingconstantlytowhereverherworktookher.Outofnecessity,mybrotherandIwereshuffledbetweenmymom’shouseandmygrandmother’shome.Myparents’househadalwaysbeenbusy,interesting,andunconventional—butithadalwaysbeenstable.Oncetheirbondwasbroken,though,constanttransitionbecamethenormforme.

TheseparationwasveryhardonmyfatherandIdidn’tseehimforquiteawhile.Itwashardonallofus;itfinallybecamerealitytomeonceIsawmymotherinthecompanyofanotherman.ThatmanwasDavidBowie.

IN1975,MYMOTHERSTARTEDWORKINGcloselywithDavidBowiewhilehewasrecordingStationtoStation;shehadbeendesigningclothesforhimsinceYoungAmericans.SowhenhesignedontostarinthefilmTheManWhoFelltoEarthmymomwashiredtodothecostumesforthefilm,whichshotinNewMexico.Alongtheway,sheandBowieembarkedonasemi-intenseaffair.Lookingbackonitnow,itmightnothavebeenthatbigofadeal,butatthetime,itwaslikewatchinganalienlandinyourbackyard.

Aftermyparentssplitup,mymom,mybrother,andImovedintoahouseonRangelyDrive.Itwasaverycoolhouse:thewallsofthelivingroomwereskyblueandemblazonedwithclouds.Therewasapiano,andmymom’srecordcollectiontookupanentirewall.Itwasinvitingandcozy.Bowiecamebyoften,withhiswife,Angie,andtheirson,Zowie,intow.Theseventieswereunique:itseemedentirelynaturalforBowietobringhiswifeandsontothehomeofhisloversothatwemightallhangout.AtthetimemymotherpracticedthesameformoftranscendentalmeditationthatDaviddid.Theychantedbeforetheshrineshemaintainedinthebedroom.

IacceptedDavidonceIgottoknowhimbecausehe’ssmart,funny,andintenselycreative.Myexperienceofhimoffstageenrichedmyexperienceofhimonstage.IwenttoseehimwithmymomattheL.A.Forumin1975,and,asIhavebeensomanytimessince,themomenthecameoutonstage,incharacter,Iwascaptivated.Hisentireconcertwastheessenceofperformance.IsawthefamiliarelementsofamanI’dgottentoknowexaggeratedtotheextreme.Hehadreducedrockstardomtoitsroots:beingarockstaristheintersectionofwhoyouareandwhoyouwanttobe.

2

Twenty-Inch-HighHooligans

Nooneexpectstherugtobeyankedoutfromunderthem;life-changingeventsusuallydon’tannouncethemselves.Whileinstinctandintuitioncanhelpprovidesomewarningsigns,theycandolittletoprepareyouforthefeelingofrootlessnessthatfollowswhenfateflipsyourworldupsidedown.Anger,confusion,sadness,andfrustrationareshakenuptogetherinsideyoulikeasnowglobe.Ittakesyearsfortheemotionaldusttosettleasyoudoyourbestjusttoseethroughthestorm.

Myparents’separationwasthepictureofanagreeablesplit.Therewerenofightsoruglybehavior,nolawyersandnocourts.Yetitstilltookmeyearstocometotermswiththehurt.IlostapieceofwhoIwasandhadtoredefinemyselfonmyownterms.Ilearnedalot,butthoselessonsdidn’thelpmelateronwhentheonlyotherfamilyI’dknowndisintegrated.Isawthesignsthattime,whenGunsN’Rosesstartedtocomeapartattheseams.ButeventhoughIdidtheleavingthattime,thesameblizzardoffeelingslayinwaitforme,itwaseverybitashardtofindmywaybacktomypathagain.

Whenmyparentsgotseparated,Iwastransformedbythesuddenchange.InsideIwasstillagoodkid,butontheoutsideIbecameaproblemchild.Expressingmyemotionsisstilloneofmyweaknesses,andwhatIfeltthendefiedwords,soIfollowedmynaturalinclinations—Iactedoutdrasticallyand

becameabitofadisciplinaryproblematschool.

Athome,myparents’promiseofatwo-abodeexistencethatwouldn’tchangeathinghadn’tcometopass.Ihardlysawmydadforthefirstyearorsothattheywereapart,andwhenIdid,itwasintenseandweird.AsImentioned,thedivorcehithimhardandwatchinghimadjustwasdifficultforme;forawhilehecouldn’tworkatall.Helivedmeagerlyandhungoutamonghisartistfriends.WhenIvisitedwithhim,Iwasalongfortherideasheandhisfriendshungout,drankalotofredwine,anddiscussedartandliterature,theconversationtypicallyturningtoPicasso,mydad’sfavoriteartist.DadandIwouldgoonadventures,too,eithertothelibraryortheartmuseum,wherewe’dsittogetheranddraw.

Mymotherwashomelessthanever;sheworkedconstantly,travelingoftentosupportmybrotherandme.WespentalotoftimewithmygrandmotherOlaSr.,whowasalwaysoursavinggracewhenMomcouldn’tmakeendsmeet.WealsospenttimewithmyauntandcousinswholivedingreaterSouthCentralL.A.Theirhousewasboisterous,filledwiththeenergyofalotofkids.Ourvisitstherebroughtsomeregularitytoourideaoffamily.Butallthingsconsidered,IhadalotoftimeonmyhandsandItookadvantageofit.

OnceIwastwelve,Igrewupfast.Ihadsex,Idrank,Ismokedcigarettes,Ididdrugs,Istole,Igotkickedoutofschool,andonafewoccasionsIwouldhavegonetojailifIhadn’tbeenunderage.Iwasactingout,makingmylifeasintenseandunstableasIfeltinside.Atraitthathasalwaysdefinedmereallycameintoitsowninthisperiod:theintensitywithwhichIpursuemyinterests.Myprimarypassion,bythetimeIwastwelve,hadshiftedfromdrawingtobicyclemotocross.

In1977,BMXracingwasthenewestextremesporttofollowthesurfingandskateboardingcrazeofthelatesixties.Italreadyhadafewbonafidestars,suchasStuThompsonandScottBreithaupt;afewmagazines,suchasBicycleMotocrossActionandAmericanFreestyler,andmoresemi-proandprocompetitionswerepoppingupconstantly.MygrandmotherboughtmeaWebcoandIwashooked.Istartedwinningracesandwaslistedinacoupleofthemagazinesasanup-and-comingriderinthethirteentofourteenagecategory.Ilovedit;IwasreadytogoproonceI’dlandedasponsor,butsomethingwasmissing.Myfeelingsweren’tclearenoughtometovocalizejustwhatBMXdidn’tsatisfyinsideme.I’dknowitwhenIfounditafewyearslater.

Afterschool,IhungoutatbikeshopsandbecamepartofateamridingforastorecalledSpokesandStuff,whereIbegantocollectabunchofmucholderfriends—someoftheotherolderguysworkedatSchwinninSantaMonica.TenorsoofuswouldridearoundHollywoodeverynightandallofusbuttwo—theywerebrothers—camefromdisturbedorbrokendomesticsituationsofsomekind.Wefoundsolaceinoneanother’scompany:ourtimespenttogetherwastheonlyregularcompanionshipanyofuscouldcounton.

WewouldmeetupeveryafternooninHollywoodandrideeverywherefromCulverCitytotheLaBreaTarPits,treatingthestreetsasourbikepark.We’djumpoffeveryslopedsurfacewecouldfind,andwhetheritwasmidnightorthemiddleofrushhour,wealwaysdisrespectedthepedestrians’rightofway.Wewerejustscrappykidsontwenty-inch-highbikes,butmultipliedbyten,inapack,whizzingdownthesidewalkattopspeed,wewereaforcetobereckonedwith.We’djumpontoabusbench,sometimeswhilesomepoorstrangerwassittingthere,we’dhopfirehydrants,andwe’dcompeteconstantlytooutdooneanother.Weweredisillusionedteenagerstryingtonavigatedifficulttimesinourlives,andwedidsobybunny-hoppingalloverthesidewalksofL.A.

We’dridethisdirttrackoutintheValley,bytheyouthcenterinReseda.ItwasaboutfifteenmilesawayfromHollywood,whichisanambitiousgoalonaBMXbike.WeusedtohitchridesonbumpersoverLaurelCanyonBoulevardtocutdownonourtraveltime.It’snothingI’dadvise,butwetreatedpassingcarslikeseatsonaskichairlift:we’dwaitontheshoulder,thenonebyonewe’dgrabacarandrideitupthehill.Balancingabike,evenonewithalowcenterofgravity,whileholdingontoacardrivingthirtyorfortymilesanhouristhrillingbuttrickyonflatground;attemptingitonaseriesoftightuphillScurveslikeLaurelCanyonissomethingelse.I’mstillnotsurehownoneofuswereeverrunover.ItsurprisesmemoretorememberthatIdidthatride,bothupanddownhill,withoutbrakesmoreoftenthannot.Inmymind,beingtheyoungestmeantthatIhadsomethingtoprovetomyfriendseverytimewerode:judgingbythelooksontheirfacesaftersomeofmystunts,Isucceeded.Theymighthavebeenonlyteenagersbutmyfriendsweren’teasilyimpressed.

Totellyouthetruth,wewereagnarlylittlegang.OneofthemwasDannyMcCracken.Hewassixteen;astrong,heavy,silenttype,hewasalreadyaguyeveryoneinstinctivelyknewnottofuckwith.OnenightDannyandIstoleabikewithbentforksandwhilehedeliberatelybunny-hoppedittobreaktheforksandmakeusalllaugh,hefelloverthehandle-barsandslashedhiswristwideopen.Isawitcomingandwatcheditasifinslow-motionasbloodstartedsquirting

sawitcomingandwatcheditasifinslow-motionasbloodstartedsquirtingeverywhere.

“Ahhh!”Dannyshouted.Eveninpain,Danny’svoicewasoddlysoft-spokenconsideringhissize—kindoflikeMikeTyson’s.

“Holyshit!”

“Fuck!”

“Danny’sfuckedup!”

Dannylivedjustaroundthecorner,sotwoofusheldourhandsoverhiswristasbloodkeptsquirtingoutbetweenourfingersaswewalkedhimhome.

Wegottohisporchandrangthebell.HismomcametothedoorandweshowedherDanny’swrist.Shelookedatusunfazed,indisbelief.

“Whatthefuckdoyouwantmetodoaboutit?”shesaid,andslammedthedoor.

Wedidn’tknowwhattodo;bythistimeDanny’sfacewaspale.Wedidn’tevenknowwherethenearesthospitalwas.Wewalkedhimbackdownthestreet,bloodstillspurtingalloverus,andflaggeddownthefirstcarwesaw.

Istuckmyheadinthewindow.“Hey,myfriendisbleedingtodeath,canyoutakehimtothehospital?”Isaidhysterically.“He’sgonnadie!”Luckilytheladydrivingwasanurse.

SheputDannyinthefrontseatandwefollowedhercaronourbikes.Whenhegottotheemergencyroom,Dannydidn’thavetowait;bloodwaspumpingoutofhiswristlikeavictiminahorrormoviesotheyadmittedhimimmediately,asthemobofpeopleinthewaitingroomlookedon,pissed.Thedoctorsstitcheduphiswristbutthatwasn’ttheendofit:whenhewasreleasedintothewaitingroomwherewewerewaitingforhim,hesomehowpoppedoneofhisnewlysewnstitches,sendingastreamofbloodskywardthatleftatrailacrosstheceiling,whichfreakedoutanddisgustedeveryoneinrange.Needlesstosay,hewasreadmitted;hissecondroundofsuturesdidthetrick.

THEONLYSTABLEONESINOURGANGwereJohnandMike,whowecalledtheCowabungaBrothers.Theywerestableforthesereasons:theywerefromtheValley,wherethetypicalAmericansuburbanlifethrived,theirparentswereintact,theyhadsisters,andallofthemlivedtogetherinanicequainthouse.Buttheyweren’ttheonlypairofbrothers:therewerealsoJeffandChrisGriffin;JeffworkedatSchwinnandChriswashisyoungerbrother.Jeffwasthemostadultofourcrew;hewaseighteenandhehadajobthathetookseriously.Thesetwoweren’tasfunctionalastheCowabungas,becauseChristrieddesperatelytobelikehisolderbrotherandfailedmiserably.ThosetwohadahotsisternamedTracey,whohaddyedherhairblackinresponsetothefactthatherentirefamilywasnaturallyblond.TraceyhadthiswholelittleGothstylegoingbeforeGothwasevenascene.

AndtherewasJonathanWatts,whowasthebiggestheadcaseamongus.Hewasjustinsane;hewoulddoanything,regardlessofthebodilyharmorpotentialincarcerationthatmightbefallhim.Iwasonlytwelve,butevenso,IknewenoughaboutmusicandpeopletofinditabitoddthatJonathanandhisdadwerededicatedJethroTullfans.Imean,theyworshippedJethroTull.I’msorrytosaythatJonathanisnolongerwithus;hediedtragicallyofanoverdoseafterhe’dspentyearsasbotharagingalcoholicandthenaflag-waverforAlcoholicsAnonymous.Ilosttouchwithhimwayback,butIsawhimagainatanAAmeetingthatIwasorderedtoattend(we’llgettoallofthatinjustalittlebit),afterIwasarrestedonenightinthelateeighties.Icouldn’tbelieveit;Iwalkedintothismeetingandwaslisteningtoallofthesepeoplespeakand,afterawhile,realizedthattheguyleadingthemeeting,theonewhowasasgunghoaboutsobrietyasLieutenantBillKilgore,RobertDuval’scharacterinApocalypseNow,hadbeenaboutsurfing,wasnoneotherthanJonathanWatts.Timeissuchapowerfulcatalystforchange;youneverknowhowkindredsoulswillendup—orwheretheymightseeeachotheragain.

Backthen,thoseguysandIspentmanyaneveningatLaurelElementarySchool,makingverycreativeuseoftheirplayground.ItwasahangoutforeveryHollywoodkidwithabike,askateboard,someboozetodrink,orsomeweedtosmoke.Theplaygroundhadtwolevelsconnectedbylongconcreteramps;itbeggedtobeabusedbyskatersandbikers.Wetookfulladvantageofitbydeconstructingtheplayground’spicnictablestomakethemintojumpsthatlinkedthetwolevels.I’mnotproudofourchronicdestructionofpublicproperty,butridingdownthosetworampsandlaunchingoverthefenceonmybikewasathrillthatwaswellworthit.Asdelinquentasitwas,italsodrewcreativetypes,manykidsinHollywoodwhowentontodogreatthingshungout

creativetypes,manykidsinHollywoodwhowentontodogreatthingshungoutthere.IrememberMikeBalzary,betterknownasFlea,hangingout,playinghistrumpetandgraffitiartistsputtingupmuralsallthetime.Itwasn’ttherightforum,buteveryonetheretookprideinthescenewecreated.Unfortunately,thestudentsandteachersofthatschoolwereleftpayingthebillandcleaninguptheaftermatheverymorning.

SlashjumpingoutatthetrackonhisCookBros.bike.

Theprincipalunwiselydecidedtotakemattersintohisownhandsbylyinginwaittoconfrontusonenight.Itdidn’tgooverwell;wekepttauntinghim,hegottooworkedup,andmyfriendsandIgotintoitwithhim.Itgotoutofhandsoquicklythatapasserbycalledthecops.Nothingscattersapackofkidslikethesoundofasiren,somostofthosepresentescaped.Unfortunately,Iwasn’toneofthem.AnotherkidandIweretheonlytwowhowerecaught;wewerehandcuffedtothehandrailinthefrontoftheschool,rightonthestreet,ondisplayforalltosee.Wewereliketwohogtiedanimals,goingnowhereandnonetoohappyaboutit.Werefusedtocooperate:wecrackedwise,wegavethemfakenames,wedideverythingshortofoinkingatthemandcallingthempigs.Theykeptaskinganddidtheirbesttoscareus,butwerefusedtorevealournamesandaddresses,andsincetwelve-year-oldsdon’tcarryID,theywereforcedtoletusgo.

PUBERTYKICKEDINFORMEAROUNDthirteen,whileIattendedBancroftJuniorHighinHollywood.WhateverIwasfeelingaboutmyfamilybreakinguptookabackseattotheintensesurgingofhormones.Sittingthroughawholedayofschoolseemedpointless,soIstartedtocut.Ibegansmokingpotregularlyandridingmybikeintensely.Ifoundithardtocontrolmyself;IjustwantedtodowhateverIwantedtodoatamoment’snotice.OnenightwhilemyfriendsandIwereschemingabouthowtobreakintoSpokesandStuff—thesamebikestorewherewehungout—forwhatreasonIcan’tremember,Inoticedakidspyingonusthroughthewindowofanapartmentacrossthealley.

“Whatareyoulookin’at?”Iyelled.“Don’tlookatme!”ThenIthrewabrickthroughthekid’swindow.

Hisparentscalledthecops,ofcourse,andtheduothatrespondedtothecallchasedmyfriendsandmeallovertownfortherestofthenight.WebikedforourlivesalloverHollywoodandWestHollywood;weturneddownone-waystreetsintoon-comingtraffic,wecutthroughalleysandthroughparks.TheywereastenaciousasJimmy“Popeye”Doyle,GeneHackman’scharacterinTheFrenchConnection;everytimeweturnedacorner,theywerethere.EventuallywefledintotheHollywoodHillsandhidinanout-of-the-waycanyonlikeapackofWildWestoutlaws.Andjustthewayitgoesdowninacowboymovie,whenwethoughtitwassafetoleavethehideoutandheadbacktotheranch,wewereheadedoffatthepassbythesametwodeputies.

IassumeitwasbecauseIwasthesmallestthattheydecidedtochasemewhenmyfriendsandIsplitup.Irodehard,allovertheneighborhood,unabletoshakethem,untilIfinallysoughtrefugeinanundergroundparkinggarage.Iflewdownafewlevels,weavingbetweenparkedcars,hidinadarkcorner,andlayontheground,hopingtheywouldn’tcatchme.TheyhadrundownthereonfootandbythetimetheygottomylevelIthinktheywereoverit.Theyvigilantlysearchedbetweenthecarswiththeirflashlights;abouthundredfeetawayfrommetheyturnedback.Igotlucky.ThisbattlebetweenmyfriendsandtheLAPDcontinuedfortherestofthesummeranditcertainlywasn’taconstructiveuseofmytime,butinmymind,atthatpoint,that’swhatIconsideredfun.

Iwasprettygoodatkeepingmyaffairstomyselfevenbackthen,butwhenIslippedup,mymotherandgrandmotherwereveryforgiving.Iwashomeas

slippedup,mymotherandgrandmotherwereveryforgiving.Iwashomeaslittleaspossiblebythemiddleofjuniorhigh.Inthesummerof1978,IhadnoideathatmygrandmotherwasmovingintoaunitinamonstrousnewcomplexthatoccupiedanentireblockbetweenKingsRoadandSantaMonicaBoulevard,althoughIknewthebuildingwellbecauseI’dbeenridingmybikethroughitsinceitwasaconstructionsite.MyfriendsandIwouldgethighandraceoneanotherthroughthehallwaysanddownthestairwells,slammingdoorsinoneanother’sfaces,jumpingontobanisters,andleavingcreativelyshapedskidmarksonthefreshlypaintedwalls.WewereinthemidstofdoingsowhenIcamescreamingaroundacornerandnearlybowledovermymotherandgrandmother,whowerecarryingarmloadsofOlaSr.’sbelongingsintohernewapartment.I’llneverforgetthelookonmygrandmother’sface;itwassomewherebetweenshockandhorror.Icollectedmyselfandshotalookovermyshoulder,whereIsawthelastofmyfriendstakeahardturnoutofsight.Ihadonelegontheground,oneonapedal,stillthinkingthatImightgetaway.

“Saul?”OlaSr.said,inhertoo-sweet,high-pitchedgrandmothervoice.“Isthatyou?”

“YesGrandma,”Isaid.“It’sme.Howareyoudoing?MyfriendsandIwerejustcomingbytovisit.”

Thatshitdidn’tflyatallwithmymom,butOlaSr.wassogladtoseemethatOlaJr.letmegetawaywithit.Infact,itallworkedoutsowellintheendthatafewweekslaterImovedintothatveryapartment,andthat’swhenmyjuniorvarsityexploitsinHollywoodreallybegantotakeoff.Butwe’llgettoallofthatinjustalittlebit.

I’MNOTGOINGTOOVERANALYZEWHATbecamemyothernewinterest—kleptomania—asidefromsayingthatIwasapissed-offearlyadolescent.IstolewhatIthoughtIneededbutcouldn’tafford.IstolewhatIthoughtmightmakemehappy;andsometimesIstolejusttosteal.

TearingupthebiketrackoutbytheYouthCenterinReseda.

Istolealotofbooks,becauseI’vealwayslovedtoread;Istoleatonofcassettes,becauseI’vealwayslovedmusic.Cassettes,forthosetooyoungtohaveknownthem,hadtheirdisadvantages:thesoundqualityworedown,theygottangledintapemachines,andtheymeltedindirectsunlight.Buttheywereabreezetolift.Theyarelikeathinnerpackofcigarettes,soanambitiousshopliftercouldstuffabands’entirecatalogintheirclothesandwalkawayunnoticed.

Atmyworst,I’dstealasmuchasmyclothescouldhide,thendumpmypayloadinthebushesandgostealmore,sometimesatthesamestore.OneafternoonIstoleafewsnakesfromtheAquariumStockCompany,apetstorethatIusedtohangoutinsomuchthatoncetheygotusedtomypresenceIdon’tthinkthey’deverconsideredthatI’dstealfromthem.Theyweren’tcompletesuckers;Iwasthereoutofatruelovefortheanimalstheystocked—Ijustdidn’trespectthestoreenoughnottotakeafewhomewithme.I’dsnatchsnakesbywrappingthemaroundmywristsandthenputtingmyjacketon,makingsurethattheywerenestledhighenoughonmyforearm.OnedayIreallywenttotownandtookaloadofthem,whichIstashedsomewhereoutsidewhileIreturnedtothestoretostealbooksthatwouldteachmehowtocarefortheraresnakesI’djuststolen.

OnanotheroccasionIliftedaJackson’schameleon,whichisn’texactlyasubtlesteal:theyarethehornedchameleonsthatmeasureaboutteninchesandfeedonflies;theyareasbigassmalliguanasandhavethosestrange,protruding,pyramid-likeeyes.IhadalotofballswhenIwasakid—Ijustwalkedrightoutofthestorewithit,anditwasaveryexpensive,exoticmemberofthepetstorejungle.AsIwalkedhomewiththelittleguy,Icouldn’tcomeupwithastorythatwouldadequatelyexplainhispresenceinmyroomtomymom.Idecidedthatmyonlyoptionwastolethimliveoutside,onthevine-coveredchain-linkfenceatthebackofouryard,byourgarbagecans.I’dstolenabookonJackson’schameleons,soIknewthattheylovetoeatflies,andIcouldn’tthinkofabetterplaceforOldJacktofindfliesthanbythefencebehindourgarbagecans—becausetherewereplentytobehad.Itwasanadventurefindinghimeverydaybecausehewassoskilledatfadingintohisenvironment,aschameleonsareknowntodo.ItalwaystookmesometimetolocatehimandIlovedthechallenge.Thisarrangementlastedforaboutfivemonths;afterawhile,hegotbetterandbetterathidingamongthevines,untilthedayIjustcouldn’tfindhimatall.Iwentoutthereeachafternoonfortwomonths,butitwasnouse.IhavenoideawhathappenedtoOldJack,butconsideringthemyriadpossibilitiesthatmighthavebefallenhimIhopethatitendedwell.

I’mveryluckynottohavebeencaughtforthemajorityofmyshopliftingexploits,becausetheywereprettyextensive.Itgotthisstupid:onadare,Iliftedaninflatedrubberraftfromasportinggoodsstore.IttooksomeplanningbutIpulleditoff,andsomehowIdidn’tgetcaught.

It’snobigdeal;I’llrevealmy“methods,”suchastheywere:theraftwashungonawallnearthebackdoorofthestore,nearthehallwaythatranrightintothebackalleyway.OnceImanagedtogetthatbackdooropenwithoutarousingsuspicion,pullingtheraftoffthewallwaseasy.Andoncetheraftwasoffthewallandonthefloor,hiddenfromgeneralviewbysomedisplayofcampinggearorwhatever,Ijustwaitedfortherightmomenttocarryitoutsideandwalkitaroundthecornertowheremyfriendswerewaitingforme.Ididn’tevenkeepthatraft.OnceI’dprovedthatI’dpulledthatdareoffIdumpeditoneblockawayonsomeone’sfrontlawn.

I’mnotproudofit,butallthingsconsidered,whenIwastenmilesfromhomewithnomoneyandmybikegotaflat,I’mgladthatitwaseasyformetostealaninnertubefromToys“R”Us.Otherwise,ImighthavebeenouttherehitchinghomeintoGodonlyknowswhatkindofsituations.Still,likeanyonewhorepeatedlytemptsfate,Imustadmitthathoweveroftenyouconvince

whorepeatedlytemptsfate,Imustadmitthathoweveroftenyouconvinceyourselfthatyouractionsarenecessarywhenyouknowthatthey’renotquiteright,theywillcatchuptoyouintheend.

Inmycase,inasmuchaswe’retalkingaboutshoplifting,intheend,IgotnabbedatTowerRecordsonSunsetBoulevard,whichwasmyparents’favoriterecordshop.Irememberthatdayalltooclearly:itwasoneofthosemomentswhenI’dknownsomethingwaswrongbutembarkedontheadventureanyway.Iwasfifteen,Ithink,andIrememberthinking,asIparkedmyBMXbikeoutside,thatIshouldbecarefulinthisstoreinthefuture.Thatrevelationdidn’thelpmeintheshortterm:Igreedilystuffedcassettesinmyjacket,downmypants,andgluttedmyclothingsomuchthatIthoughtIshouldprobablybuyafewalbumsjusttothrowthecashiersoff.IbelieveIwalkeduptothecounterwithCheapTrick’sDreamPoliceandLedZeppelin’sHousesoftheHoly,andafterIwasrungup,Iwashomefreeinmymind.

Iwasoutside,straddlingmybike,readytojamwhenahandclampeddownhardonmyshoulder.IdeniedeverythingbutIwasbusted;theybroughtmeuptotheroomabovethestorewherethey’dbeenwatchingmestealthroughtheone-waywindowandtheyshowedmethefootage.Theycalledmymom;Igaveupallofthetapesinmypantsandtheyarrangedthemonatableforhertoseewhenshegotthere.Igotawaywithalotasakid,butgettingbustedforshopliftingcassettesatthestoremyparentshadfrequentedforsomanyyearswasanoffensethatmeantmorewithintheconfinesofourfamilythanitdidwithintheletterofthelaw.I’llneverforgetOla’sexpressionwhenshecameuptothatofficeabovethestoreandfoundmesittingtherewitheverythingI’dstolenlaidoutbeforeme.Shedidn’tsaymuch,andshedidn’thaveto;itwascleartomethatshewasoverthinkingthatIcoulddonowrong.

Intheend,Towerdidn’tpresschargesbecauseallofthemerchandisewasrecovered.TheyletmegoontheconditionthatIwouldneversetfootintheirstoreagain,mostlikelybecausesomemanagerthererecognizedthatmymomwasawell-likedregular.

Ofcourse,whenIwashiredattheverysamestoresixyearslaterinthevideodivision,duringeveryshiftforthefirstsixmonths,IwasconvincedthatsomeonewasgoingtorememberthatI’dbeencaughtstealingandhavemefired.Ifiguredthatanydaynow,someonewouldfigureoutthatIhadblatantlyliedonmyapplicationformandpresumedwhatIknewtobetrue:thatwhatIdidmanagetoliftuntilIwascaughtwasworthmorethanafewmonths’paychecks.

Usuallywehadweed,whichwasalwaysacrowdpleaser

ALLOFTHOSEPERMUTATIONSWEREgoingtoworkthemselvesoutoverthenexteightyearsofmylife,butonlyonceI’dfoundastablefamilyofmyowndesign.

Inthevacuumthatmyfamily’sdissolutionleftinitswake,Imademyownworld.I’mluckyenoughthat,despitemyage,duringaperiodoftestingmyboundaries,Imadeonefriendwhohasneverbeenfarfromme,evenwhenwe’vebeenworldsapart.Heisstilloneofmyclosestconfidants,which,afterthirtyyears,saysafuckofalot.

HisnameisMarcCanter;hisfamilyownsthefamousL.A.institutionCanter’sDelionNorthFairfax.TheCanterfamilymovedfromNewJerseyandopenedtherestaurantinthe1940sandit’sbeenahubforshow-businesstypeseversince,becauseofthefoodandthefactthatit’sopentwenty-fourhours.It’sonlyahalfmilefromtheSunsetStrip,andinthesixtiesitbecameahavenformusiciansandhasremainedsoeversince.Intheeighties,bandslikeGunshadmanyalate-nightmealthere.TheKibbitzRoom,whichistheirbarandlivemusicvenuenextdoorhashostedtoomanygreatnightsofmusictoname.TheCantershavebeenwonderfultome;they’veemployedme,they’veshelteredme,andIcan’tthankthemenough.

ImetMarcatThirdStreetElementarySchool,butwedidn’treallybecomefriendsuntilIalmoststolehisminibikeinfifthgrade.

Ourfriendshipwassolidifiedfromthestart.HeandIhungoutinHancockPark,whichwasnexttotheaffluentneighborhoodwherehelived.WeusedtogodowntotheruinsofthePanPacificTheater,whichiswheretheGroveshoppingcenteristoday.ThePanPacificwasanamazingrelic;ithadbeenaglamorous1940smoviepalace,withanarchedceilingandhugescreenthatshowednewsreelsanddefinedageneration’sworthofcinematicculture.Inmyday,itwasstillbeautiful:thegreenArtDecoarcheswerestillintact,thoughtherestwasreducedtorubble.Nexttothelotwasapubliclibraryandaparkwithabasketballcourtandapool.LikeLaurelElementary,itwasameetingpointforkidsagedtwelvetoeighteen,who,foronereasonoranother,foundtheirwayoutatnight.

MyfriendsandIweretheyoungonesonthescene;therewerechickssofaroutofourleaguethatwecouldn’tevencounttheways—thoughwedidanyway.

outofourleaguethatwecouldn’tevencounttheways—thoughwedidanyway.Therewereflunkiesanddropouts,manyofwhomlivedintheruinsofthetheaterandsubsistedonthefoodtheystolefromthefarmers’marketthattookplacenextdoortwiceaweek.MarcandIwerefascinated;wegainedacceptanceamongthembecauseusuallywehadweed,whichwasalwaysacrowdpleaser.MeetingMarctriggeredachangeinme;hewasmyfirstbestfriend—hewassomeonewhounderstoodmewhenIfeltnooneelsedid.Neitherofushavehadlivesthatonemightcallnormal,butI’mproudtosaythatwe’rejustascloseaswewerethen.Thatismydefinitionoffamily.Afriendstillknowsyouaswellastheyusedtoevenifyouhaven’tseentheminyears.Atruefriendistherewhenyouneedhim;they’renotaroundjustonholidaysandweekends.

Ifoundthatoutfirsthandafewyearslater.WhenIbarelyhadmoneytoeat,Ididn’tcare,solongasIhadmoneytopromoteGunsN’Roses.AndwhenIdidn’thavemoneytoprintflyersorevenbuymyselfguitarstrings,MarcCanterwasthereforme.He’dfrontmethecashtotakecareofwhateverneededtobedone.IpaidhimbackonceIwasable,onceGunsgotsigned,butIneverforgotthatCanterwasthereformewhenIwasdownandout.

3

HowtoPlayRock-and-RollGuitar

Experiencingyourselfoutofcontext,divorcedfromyourusualpointofview,skewsyourperspective—it’slikehearingyourvoiceonanansweringmachine.It’salmostlikemeetingastranger;ordiscoveringatalentyouneverknewyouhad.ThefirsttimeIpluckedamelodyoutonaguitarwellenoughthatitsoundedliketheoriginalwasabitlikethat.ThemoreIlearnedtoplayguitar,themoreIfeltlikeaventriloquist:Irecognizedmyowncreativevoicefilteredthroughthosesixstrings,butitwasalsosomethingelseentirely.Notesandchordshavebecomemysecondlanguageand,moreoftenthannot,thatvocabularyexpresseswhatIfeelwhenlanguagefailsme.Theguitarismyconscience,too—wheneverI’velostmyway,it’sbroughtmebacktocenter;wheneverIforget,itremindsmewhyI’mhere.

IoweitalltoStevenAdler—hedidit.HeisthereasonthatIplayguitar.WemetonenightattheLaurelElementaryplaygroundwhenwewerethirteen.AsIrememberit,hewasskateboardingmiserably.Afteraparticularlyhardfall,Irodeoveronmybikeandhelpedhimupandwewereinstantlyinseparable.

StevenhadgrownupintheValleywithhismom,hisstepdad,andhistwobrothersuntilhismomcouldn’ttakehisbadbehavioranymoreandshippedhimofftolivewithhisgrandparentsinHollywood.Helastedtherefortheremainderofjuniorhigh,summersincluded,beforehewasbusedbacktohismomtoattendhighschool.Stevenisspecial;he’sthekindofmisfitthatonlya

attendhighschool.Stevenisspecial;he’sthekindofmisfitthatonlyagrandmothercanlove,butcan’tlivewith.

StevenandImetthesummerbeforeeighthgradeandhungoutuntilhighschool,sinceIhadjustmovedintomygrandmother’snewcondoinHollywood,frommymom’sapartmentinHancockPark.Bothofuswerenewtoourschool,BancroftJuniorHigh,aswellastotheneighborhood.AslongasIknewhim,Stevenneverspentafullweek’sworthoftimeinschooloutofanygivenmonth.IgotbybecauseIdidwellenoughinmyart,music,andEnglishclassesthatmygrade-pointaveragewashighenoughtopass.IgotAsinart,English,andmusicbecausethoseweretheonlysubjectsthatinterestedme.ApartfromthoseIdidn’tcareformuchelse,andIcutclassallthetime.SinceIhadstolenapadofabsenteenoticesfromtheadministrationofficesandforgedmymom’ssignaturewhenIneededto,intheeyesoftheadministration,IwastheremuchmoreoftenthanIeverwas.ButtheonlyreasonIactuallygraduatedjuniorhighatallwasduetoateachers’strikeduringmyfinalyear.Ourregularteacherswerereplacedbysubstituteswhoweretooeasyformetobullshitandcharm.Idon’twanttogetintoit,butonmorethanoneoccasionIrecallplayingmyteacher’sfavoritesongonguitarfortheentireclass.Enoughsaid.

Tobehonest,schoolwasn’ttoobad:Ihadawholecircleoffriends,includingagirlfriend(whowe’llgettoinjustalittlebit)andIpartookliberallyineveryexercisethatmakesschoolenjoyabletostoners.Ourcrewmetintheearlymorningbeforehomeroomtosnortlockerroom—ahead-shopbrandofamylnitrite,achemicalwhosefumesexpandyourbloodvesselsandloweryourbloodpressureandintheprocessgiveyouabriefeuphoricrush.Afterafewhitsoflockerroom,we’dsmokeafewcigarettesandatlunchtimereconveneinthecourtyardtosmokeajoint….Wedidwhatwecouldtomaketheschooldaypleasant.

WhenIdidn’tgotoschool,StevenandIspentthedaywanderingthegreaterHollywoodareawithourheadsinthecloudstalkingaboutmusicandhustlingmoney.Wedidsomeoffhandpanhandlingandoddjobs,likemovingfurnitureforsomeoftherandomcharacterswe’dmeet.Hollywoodhasalwaysbeenaweirdplacethatattractsoddfolks,butinthelateseventies,withthestrangeturnsculturehadtaken,fromtheletdownofthesixtiesrevolutiontothewidespreaduseofdrugsandloosenedsexualmores,thereweresomereallystrangeoneshangingaround.

Idon’trememberhowwemethim,buttherewasoneolderguywhousedtogiveusmoneyfornothing.We’djusthangoutandtalktohim;Ithinkheasked

giveusmoneyfornothing.We’djusthangoutandtalktohim;Ithinkheaskedustogotothestoreacoupleoftimes.Idefinitelythoughtitwasweird,buthewasn’tthreateningenoughtodoanythingacoupleofthirteen-year-oldscouldn’thandle.Besides,theextrapocketcashwasworthit.

Stevehadnoinhibitionswhatsoever,sohemanagedtoacquiremoneyonaregularbasisinmanyways,oneofwhichwasfromClarissa,aneighborofmineinhermid-twentieswholiveddownthestreet.OnedaywesawhersittingonherporchwhenwepassedbyandStevenfelttheinclinationtosayhitoher.Theystartedtalkingandsheinvitedusin;wehungoutthereforawhileandthenIdecidedtotakeoff,butStevensaidthathewasgoingtostaytherealittlewhilelonger.Itturnsoutthathehadsexwithherthatnightandgotmoneyoffhertoboot.Ihavenoideahowhedidit,butIdoknowthathewaswithherfourorfivetimesmore,andgotmoneyeverysingletime.Itwasunbelievabletome;Iwasreallyenvious.

Butthenagain,Stevenwouldalwaysgetinvolvedinsituationslikethatandtheyoftendidn’thaveahappyending.Inthiscase,hewasinthemiddleofscrewingClarissawhenhergayroommatewalkedinonthem.ShethrewStevenoffherandhelandedhard-onfirstonherbedroomfloor,andthatwastheendofthat.

StevenandIgotby;Istoleallthemusicandrockmagazinesthatweneeded.Thereweren’ttoomanyotherthingsthatwecaredtospendmoneyonasidefromBigGulpsandcigarettes,sowewereingoodshape.We’dwalkupanddownSunsetBoulevard,thenHollywoodBoulevardfromSunsettoDoheny,checkingoutrockpostersinthemanyheadshopsorduckingintowhicheversouvenirormusicstorelookedexcitingtous.We’djustwander,takingintheanimatedrealitygoingondownthere.WeusedtohangoutatplacecalledPieceO’Pizzaforhours,playingVanHalenonthejukeboxoverandover.Itwasaritualbythen:Stevenhadplayedtheirfirstrecordformeafewmonthsbefore.Itwasoneofthosemomentswhereanewbodyofmusictotallyoverwhelmedme.

“You’vegottohearthis,”Stevensaid,allwide-eyed.“It’sthisbandVanHalen,they’reawesome!”IhadmydoubtsbecauseStevenandIdidn’talwaysseeeyetoeyemusically.Heputtherecordon,andEddie’ssolothatsetsoff“Eruption”cameshreddingthroughthespeakers.“JesusChrist,”Isaid,“whatthehellisthat?”

Itwasaformofexpressionassatisfyingandpersonaltomeasartanddrawing,

Itwasaformofexpressionassatisfyingandpersonaltomeasartanddrawing,butonamuchdeeperlevel.

ISAWMYFIRSTREALLYBIGROCKSHOWthatyear,too.ItwastheCaliforniaWorldMusicFestivalattheL.A.MemorialColiseumonApril8,1979.Therewere110,000peoplethereandthelineupwasinsane:therewereatonofbands,buttheheadlinerswereTedNugent,CheapTrick,Aerosmith,andVanHalen.Withoutadoubt,VanHalencrushedeveryotherbandwhoplayedthatday,evenAerosmith.Iguessitwasn’thard:Aerosmithwassofuckedupatthetimethatitwasimpossibleformetodifferentiateonesongfromanotherintheirset.Iwasafan,andtheonlytrackIrecognizedatallwas“SeasonsofWither.”

EventuallySteveandIgraduatedtohangingaroundoutsidetheRainbowandtheStarwoodamidthewholepre-glammetalscene.VanHalencuttheirteethonthatcircuitandMötleyCrüewasabouttodothesame;asidefrombandslikethat,thereweretheearliesttracesofL.A.punkrockgoingaround.TherewerealwaysatonofpeopleoutsidetheclubsandsinceIhadaccesstodrugs,I’dsellthemnotjustforcash,buttogetusclosertothescene.Injuniorhigh,Ifiguredoutabettermethod:IstartedmakingfakeIDs,whichservedtoactuallygetmeinsidethescene.

TherewassomuchactivityinWestHollywoodandHollywoodatnight:thewholehomosexualscene—aroundaposhgayrestaurant,theFrenchQuarter,andgaybarsliketheRustyNail,amongotherssmashedrightupagainstthemostlyheterorockscene.ThatwholejuxtapositionwasbizarretoStevenandme.Therewerejustsomanyfreakseverywhereandwelikedtotakeitallin,asstrangeandnonsensicalasmostofitwas.

SteveandIgotintoallsortsofseeminglyharmlesstroublegrowingup.OnenightmydadtookustoapartythrownbyagroupofhisartistfriendswholivedinhousesalongaculdesacupinLaurelCanyon.Thehost,mydad’sfriendAlexis,madeavatofhorrendouslylethalpunchthatgoteveryonecompletelygassed.GrowingupintheValley,Stevenhadneverseenascenethatcool:thiswasagroupofartisticallyout-therepost-hippieadults,sothecombinationofthecrowdandthepunchcompletelyblewhismind.HeandIcouldholdourliquorforthirteen-year-olds,butthisstuffwaswaytooadvancedforus.IwassofriedthatIdidn’tnoticeSteveslipoutwiththegirlwholivedintheguesthousedownstairs.Heendedupfuckingher,whichturnedouttonotbesuchacoolthing:shewasmarriedandinherthirties.Inmythirteen-year-oldmind,shewasaseniorcitizen.Tome,Stevehadjustfuckedanoldlady…whoalsohappened

tobesomeoneelse’soldlady.

Inthemorning,Iwokeuponthefloorwiththetasteofthatpunchinmymouth,feelinglikeanironspikehadbeennailedthroughmyhead.Iwenthometomygrandmother’stosleepitoff;Stevenremainedbehind,optingtolingerinbeddownstairs.IwashomeforabouttenminuteswhenmydadcalledtoletmeknowthatStevenshouldfearforhislife.Thewomanhehadspenttheeveningwithhadconfessedandherhusbandwasveryunhappyaboutit.Theman,accordingtomydad,plannedto“throttle”Steven,whichTonyassuredmewasaveryrealthreat.WhenIdidn’tseemtotakehimseriously,DadtoldmethattheguyhadactuallypromisedtokillSteven.Intheend,nothinghappened,soStevengotawaywithitbutitwasaclearindicationofthingstocome.Atthirteen,hehadnarrowedhislifegoalsdowntoexactlytwo:fuckingchicksandbeinginarockband.Ican’tfaulthimforhisprescience.

Inhisthirteen-year-oldmusicalwisdom,which(probablyduetohisadvancedwomanizingskills)Iconsideredsuperiortomine,Stevenhadconcludedthattherewereonlythreebandsthatmatteredinrockandroll:Kiss,Boston,andQueen.Stevenpaidtributetothemeveryday,allday,whenheshouldhavebeeninschool.Hisgrandmotherworkedinabakeryandleftthehouseatfivea.m.eachday;shehadnoideathatStevenrarelywenttoclass.HisdayconsistedofplayingKissrecordsturneduptoten,whilebashingawayatalittleWal-Martelectricguitarandamp,bothturneduptotenaswell.I’dgooverandhangoutwithhim,andhe’dbeyellingatmeoverallthenoise,“Hey!Weshouldstartaband,youknow!?”

Stevenhassuchanopen,carefreesoulthathisenthusiasmistremendouslycontagious.Ididn’tdoubthisintentionanddrive;Iwasconvincedimmediatelythatitwouldhappen.Hehadelectedhimselftheguitarplayer,andwedecidedthatIwouldplaybass.WhenIlistentomusicnow,aftertwenty-fiveyearsofplaying,Icanisolatealloftheinstruments;IcanhearthekeyoftheguitarandrightawayIcanusuallythinkofseveralwaystoplaythesong.BythetimeIwasthirteen,Ihadlistenedtorockandrollforyears;I’dseenconcertsandknewwhatinstrumentsmakeuparockband,butIhadnoideawhichinstrumentmadeeachsoundinthemusic.Iknewwhataguitarwas,butIhadnoideaofthedifferencesbetweenaguitarandabassandSteven’splayingatthetimedidn’tenlightenmeatall.

WhenheandIwouldwalkaroundtown,weusedtopassamusicschoolonFairfaxandSantaMonicacalledFairfaxMusicSchool(todayit’sa

FairfaxandSantaMonicacalledFairfaxMusicSchool(todayit’sachiropractor’soffice),soIfiguredthatwasagoodplacetolearntoplaybass.SoonedayIstoppedin,walkeduptothedesk,andjustsaid,“Iwanttoplaybass.”Thereceptionistintroducedmetooneoftheteachers,aguynamedRobertWolin.WhenRobertcameouttotalktome,hewasn’texactlywhatIexpected:hewasamedium-sizedwhiteguywearingLevi’sandatucked-inplaidshirt.Hehadabushymustache,afiveo’clockshadow,andunkemptshaggybrownhair—ithadprobablybeenarealhaircutonce,butithadgottenawayfromhim.Needlesstosay,Robertdidn’tlooklikearockstaratall.

Hedid,however,patientlyinformmethatI’dneedanactualbassofmyowntotakelessons,whichwassomethingIhadn’tconsidered.Iaskedmygrandmotherforhelpandshegavemeanoldflamencoguitarwithonenylonstringonitthatshehadpackedawayinacloset.WhenImetRobertagainattheschool,hetookonelookatmyguitarandunderstoodthathe’dbetterstartattheverybeginning,becauseIhadnoideathatwhatIwasholdingwasn’tnecessarilyabass.RobertputontheStones’“BrownSugar,”pickeduphisguitar,andplayedalongwiththeriffandthelead.Andthat’swhenIheardthesound.WhateverRobertwasdoing,thatwasit.IstaredatRobert’sguitarwithtotalwonder.Istartedpointingatit.

“That’swhatIwanttodo,”Itoldhim.“That.”

Robertwasreallyencouraging;hedrewsomechordchartsforme,showedmeproperfingeringonhisguitar,andtunedtheonestringIhad.HealsoinformedmethatIshouldgettheremainingfivestringsintheverynearfuture.Guitarcameintomylifethatsuddenlyandthatinnocently.Therewasnothought,nopremeditation;itwasn’tpartofagrandplanoutsideofplayinginSteven’sfantasyband.TenyearslaterIwouldbe,withalltheperksthatStevenhaddreamedabout:travelingtheworld,playingsold-outshows,andhavingmorechicksatourdisposalthanwecouldhandle…allthankstothatbatteredpieceofwoodmygrandmotherdugoutofhercloset.

GuitarreplacedBMXasmymainobsessionliterallyovernight.ItwasunlikeanythingI’deverdone:itwasaformofexpressionassatisfyingandpersonaltomeasartanddrawing,butonamuchdeeperlevel.BeingabletocreatethesoundthathadspokentomeinmusiceversinceIcanrememberwasmoreempoweringthananythingI’deverknown.Thechangewasasinstantaneousasturningonalight,andeverybitasilluminating.IwenthomefrommusicschoolandcopiedRobert’smethods,puttingonmyfavoritesongsanddoingmybesttoplayalong.IdidwhatIcouldwithonestring;afterafewhoursIcouldfollow

playalong.IdidwhatIcouldwithonestring;afterafewhoursIcouldfollowthekeychangesandmimicthemelodyofafewsongsinthemostremedialway.TuneslikeDeepPurple’s“SmokeontheWater,”Chicago’s“25or6to4,”LedZeppelin’s“DazedandConfused,”andJimiHendrix’s“HeyJoe”canbeplayeddowntheEstringsoIcontentedmyselfwiththoseoverandoveragain.SimplytheunderstandingthatIcouldmimicthesongsonmystereowasenoughtoimprinttheguitaronmyrealityforever.

ItooklessonsfromRobertonmyworn-outflamencoguitarthroughoutthesummerbeforeninthgrade—withallsixstringsinplace,which,ofcourse,hetaughtmehowtotune.Iwasalwaysamazedwhenheputonarecordthathedidn’tknowandlearneditonthespotinafewminutes.Isetaboutachievingthatabilityformyself:likeeveryovereagerbeginner,Itriedtojumptothatlevelstraightawayand,likeeverygoodteacher,Robertforcedmetomasterthefundamentals.Hetaughtmebasicmajor,minor,andbluesscalesandallofthestandardchordpositions.He’dalsosketchchordchartstomyfavoritesongs,suchas“Jumpin’JackFlash”and“WholeLottaLove,”thatIwastoplayasmyrewardonceI’ddonetheweek’sexercises.UsuallyI’dskipstraighttotherewardandwhenIshowedupatthemusicschoolthenextday,itwasobvioustoRobertthatIhadn’teventouchedmyhomework.SometimesIlikedtoplayasifIstillhadonlyonestring.EverysongIlikedhadariffinit,soplayingitallupanddownonestringwasmorefununtilmyfingerslearnedtheproperform.

MyBMXracinggeargathereddustinmycloset.MyfriendswonderedwhereIwasatnight.IsawDannyMcCrackenonedaywhileIwasridingbackfrommusicschool,myguitarslungovermyback.HeaskedmewhereI’dbeenandifI’dwonanyraceslately.ItoldhimthatIwasaguitarplayernow.Hesizedmeup,lookedatmyworn-outsix-string,andstaredhardrightintomyeyes.“Ohyeah?”Hehadaveryconfusedlookonhisface,asifhewasn’tsurewhattomakeofwhatI’dtoldhim.Wesatthereawkwardlyinsilenceforaminuteonourbikesthensaidourgood-byes.ItwasthelasttimeIeversawhim.

Irespectedmyguitarteacher,Robert,butInaivelyandimpatientlyfailedtoseethedirectlinebetweenthefundamentalshewasteachingmeandtheRollingStonesandLedZeppelinsongsthatIwantedtoplay.Itallcametoaheadsoonenough,onceIdiscoveredmypersonalinstructionmanual,sotospeak;itwasausedbookIfoundinaguitarstorebargainbincalledHowtoPlayRockGuitar.Thisbookhadallofthechordcharts,tablature,andsamplesolosfromgreatslikeEricClapton,JohnnyWinter,andJimiHendrix.Itevencamewithalittle

floppy45thatdemonstratedtheproperwaytoplaywhatwasinthebook.Itookthatthinghomeanddevouredit,andonceIwascapableofmimickingthesoundsonthatlittlerecord,Iwassoonimprovisingonmyown,andthenIwasbesidemyself.OnceI’dheardmyselflaydownpatternsthatsoundedlikerock-and-rollleadguitaritwasasifI’dfoundtheHolyGrail.Thatbookchangedmylife;Istillhavemyworn-outcopyinatrunksomewhereandI’veneverseenanotheronebeforeorsince.I’velookedforitplentyoftimestonoavail.Ifeellikeitwastheonlycopyleftintheworldandthatitwastherethatdaywaitingspecificallyforme.ThatbookgavemetheskillsIsoughtandonceI’dbeguntomasterthemIquitmusicschoolforever.

Iwasnowa“rockguitarplayer,”asfarasIwasconcerned,sooutofnecessity,Iborrowedonehundredbucksfrommygrandmotherandboughtanelectricguitar.ItwasaverycheapLesPaulcopymadebyacompanycalledMemphisGuitars.Iwasattractedtotheshape,becausemostofmyfavoriteplayersplayedLesPauls—itepitomizedrockguitartome.Thatsaid,Ididn’tknowenoughtoevenknowwhoLesPaulwas;Iwasn’tacquaintedwithhissublimejazzplayingandhadnoideathathehadpioneeredthedevelopmentofelectricinstruments,effects,andrecordingtechniques.Ididn’tknowthathisbrandofsolidbodyguitarwouldsoonbecomemyprimarychoiceofinstrument.AndIhadnoideaatallthatI’denjoythehonorofsharingastagewithhimmanytimes,manyyearslater.Nope,thatdayitwasprettybasic;inmymind,thatshapevisuallyrepresentedthesoundIwantedtomake.

FINDINGGUITARWASLIKEFINDINGMYSELF;itdefinedme,itgavemeapurpose.Itwasacreativeoutletthatallowedmetounderstandmyself.Theturmoilofmyadolescencewassuddenlysecondary;playingguitargavemefocus.Ididn’tkeepajournal;Icouldn’tseemtovocalizemyfeelingsinaconstructivefashion,buttheguitargavemeemotionalclarity.Ilovedtodraw;thatwasanactivitythattookmymindoffthings,butitwasn’tenoughofavehicleformetocompletelyexpressmyself.I’vealwaysenviedtheartistswhocouldexpressthemselvesthroughart,andonlythroughtheguitarhaveIcometounderstandwhatawonderfulreleaseitis.

PracticingforhourswhereverIfoundmyselfwasliberating.Playingbecameatrancethatsoothedmysoul:withmyhandsoccupiedandmymindengaged,Ifoundpeace.OnceIgotintoaband,Ifoundthatthephysicalexertionofplayingashowbecamemyprimarypersonalrelease;whenI’mplayingonstageI’m

ashowbecamemyprimarypersonalrelease;whenI’mplayingonstageI’mmoreathomeinmyownskinthanatanyothertimeinmylife.Thereisasubconscious,emotionallevelthatinformsplaying,andsinceI’mthekindofpersonwhocarrieshisbaggagearoundinternally,nothinghaseverhelpedmetapintomyfeelingsmore.

Findingmyvoicethroughguitaratfifteenwas,tome,revolutionary.Itwasaleapinmyevolution;Ican’tthinkofanythingthatmademoreofadifferenceinmylife.TheonlymomentthatcameclosehadoccurredtwoyearsbeforewhenIfirstexperiencedthemysteryoftheoppositesex.OnceI’ddoneit,Ididn’tthinkthatanythingwasbetterthansex…untilIplayedguitar.AndsoonafterthatIfoundoutthatthosetwopursuitscouldn’tcoexistpeacefullyinmyteenageworld.

MyfirstgirlfriendwasnamedMelissa.Shewasacute,kindofchubbygirlwithgreattits,whowasoneyearyoungerthanme.ShewastwelveandIwasthirteenwhenwelostourvirginitytoeachother.Thatisn’tshockingbytoday’sstandards,whenteensengageinveryadultpracticesearlierthanever,butin1978,sheandIwereaheadofthecurve:mostofourpeerswerestillFrenchkissing.Webothinherentlyknewnottomesswithagoodthing,sowestayedtogether,onandoff,foryears.Thefirsttimewedidanythingwasinthelaundryroomofherapartmentbuilding,whichwasonthefirstfloor,inthebackofthebuilding.Shejerkedmeoff;itwasafirstforbothofus.Eventuallywemovedittotheone-bedroomapartmentthatshesharedwithhermom,Carolyn.Unfortunately,thefirsttimewedid,Carolyncamehomeearly,soIhadtocrawlthroughMelissa’sbedroomwindowwithmypantsaroundmyankles.Luckilythebusheswereforgiving.

Thingsgothotandheavybetweenusprettyquickly;whenhermomwasn’thome,wediditinMelissa’sbed,andwhenshewashome,wediditonthecouchafterCarolynpassedoutonValium,hopingshewouldn’twakeupandcatchus.Ofcourse,tryingtowaitforCarolyn’sValiumtokickinwasn’talwayseasy.ItwassoonafterMelissaandCarolynmovedupstairstoatwo-bedroomthathermotherresignedherselftowhatwewereupto.Shedecidedthatitwasbetterthatwedoitinherhomethanelsewhereandtoldusasmuch.AccordingtoMelissaandme,fromoursexuallyravenous,adolescentpointofview,hermomwasthecoolest.

Caroylnsmokedatonofpotandwasveryopenaboutit;shewouldrollusperfectjointsandallowedmetostaywiththem,sleepinginMelissa’sroom,forweeksatatime.Sincewegottogetherduringthesummer,mymomdidn’tmind.

weeksatatime.Sincewegottogetherduringthesummer,mymomdidn’tmind.Hermotherdidn’twork;shehadaverynice,mucholderdrug-dealerboyfriendwhosoldcoke,pot,andacid,allofwhichhewouldgivetousfreely,providedweenjoyeditallin-house.

TheirapartmentbuildingwasonEdinburghandWilloughby,abouttwoblockswestofFairfaxandhalfablocksouthofSantaMonicaBoulevard.Thelocationwasperfect—theLaurelElementarySchoolthatmyfriendsandIfrequentedwasjustdownthestreet.That’swhereMelissaandImet,actually.TheplaygroundwasasmuchofacommunityasMelissa’sblockwas.Herneighborhoodwasaninterestingculturalmishmash:younggayguys,olderJewishfamilies,Russians,Armenians,andMiddleEasternerslivedalongsideoneanother.Therewasaquaint,LeaveIttoBeaverqualitytoit,witheveryonesmilingandwavingandsayinghello,buttherewasalsoaverytangibletension.

Onanaveragenight,MelissaandIwouldgethighandlistentomusicwithhermom,thenheadacrossthestreettovisitWesandNate,thetwogayguyswholivedintheonlyhouseamongtheapartmentbuildingstobefoundinasix-blockradius.Theyhadahugeyard,probablyaboutanacre,andatalloaktreewithaswinghangingfromitontheirlot.We’dsmokeajointwiththem,thenproceedtothebackyard,wherewe’dlieundertheoaktree,staringatthestars.

Idiscoveredsomuchcontemporarymusicduringthatperiod,too.Imentionedthatmyparentsplayedmusicallthetime;it’smyfondestmemoryofchildhood.Ilistentoallofitstill,fromtheclassicalcomposersmydadfavoredtothesixtiesandearly-seventieslegendstheybothloved.Thatperiodwasrockandroll’smostcreativetime.I’mconstantlylookingandrarelyfindingmusicthat’sbetter.WhenIthinkIhave,acloserinspectionrevealsittobejustanotherrehashoftheoriginators.AndthenIfindthatI’dratherjustlistentotheStonesorAerosmithorwhateverit’sbasedonthanlistenanyfurther.

ButwhenIwasthirteen,Iwasn’tsatisfiedwithmyparents’collectionanymore.Isoughtoutnewsounds,andfoundanendlesssupplyatMelissa’shouse.ThatiswhereIwasfirstexposedtoSupertramp,Journey,Styx,AprilWine,Foghat,andGenesis—noneofwhichreallysuitedmytaste.ButMelissa’smomlistenedtoatonofPinkFloyd,whichIknewfrommymom,butgiventhatCarolynhadsuchgoodpot,theirmusicsuddenlytookonawholenewmeaning.Thatapartmentwasparadiseforabuddingguitarplayer:gettingstonedforfree,discoveringnewtunes,andhavingsexwithmygirlfriendallnight,allbeforeIgraduatedjuniorhigh.

Idont'tthinkthere'sanythingbetterthanhearingyourfavoritebandlive

ISPENTTHERESTOFEIGHTHGRADEandallofninthgradetouringHollywoodwithStevenbyday,playingguitarinmyroom,andsleepingwithMelissa.Istoleachunky,Panasonictop-loadingtapeplayeratsomepointandcarriediteverywhere,soakingupmusiclikeTedNugent,CheapTrick,Queen,Cream,andEdgarandJohnnyWinter.Istolemorecassetteseachday,absorbingonebandatatime.Iwouldstartwithaband’slivealbum,becauseIbelievethatistheonlywaytodeterminewhetherornotanybandisworthyourattention.Iftheysoundedgoodenoughlive,I’dstealtheirentirecatalog.IalsousedliverecordstoheartheirgreatesthitsbeforeIembarkedonstealingtheirentirecatalog—Iwasfrugal.Istillloveliverecords;asafanofrockmusic—andIstillfeellikeafanfirst—Idon’tthinkthere’sanythingbetterthanhearingyourfavoritebandlive.Istillbelievethatthebestrepresentationsofmyfavoritebandswerecapturedontheirlivealbums,whetherwe’retalkingaboutAerosmith’sLiveBootleg,theWho’sLiveatLeeds,theRollingStones’GetYourYaYa’sOut,ortheKinks’GivethePeopleWhatTheyWant.Muchlater,IwasveryproudwhenGunsN’RosesputoutLiveEra;Ithinkitcapturessomegreatmoments.

ASIDEFROMMELISSAANDSTEVEN,MYfriendsweremucholderthanIwas.IhadmetmanyofthemthroughmybikegangandmademanymorealongthewaybecauseIalwayshadpotfromonesourceoranother.Mymomwasapotsmokerwhowasveryliberalinherrearing:shepreferredthatIsmokepotunderhersupervision,ratherthanexperimentoutintheworld.Withallduerespecttoher,shehadmybestintentionsinmind,butshedidn’trealizethatnotonlydidIsmokeathomeunderherwatchfuleye,butIalsopinchedalittleofherweed(sometimesjusttheseeds)tosmokeorsellwhenIwentout.Itwas,withoutfail,thebestwaytoingratiatemyselfandIthankherforit.

ThekidsintheoldercirclesIraninhadapartments,solddrugs,threwparties,andclearlythoughtnothingofentertainingminors.Asidefromtheobviousbenefits,suchanenvironmentalsoallowedmetodiscoverbandsofthedaythatIwouldhaveotherwisemissed.TherewereabunchofsurferandskaterguysIhungoutwithwhoturnedmeontoDevo,thePolice,999,andafewmoreradio-friendlyNewWavebands.AmonganothercliquethatIhungwith,alankyblackguyinhistwentiesnamedKevinturnedmeontothefirstCarsalbum

duringoneofhisparties.

Kevinwastheolderbrotherofoneofmybikebuddies,aguynamedKeithwho’dnicknamedmeSolomonGrundy.IlookeduptoKeithbecausehealwayshadthehottestgirlsfromFairfaxHighSchoolchasinghimaround.WhenIwasthirteenandfourteenandreallyintoBMX,thisguywasinthescene,butsocoolthathealwaysseemedtobeaboutonestepawayfromditchingitaltogetherformoresophisticated,adultpursuits.I’mstillnotsurewhyKeithcalledmeSolomonGrundy.

Inanycase,Kevin’smusicaltastewasquestionable.Hewasintodisco,whichwasaninterestwedidnotshare,thoughInowrealizethathewassoinclinedbecauseitaffordedhimtheopportunitytogetasmuchtrimaspossible—soIrespecthimmoreforitnow.Itworked,too,becausethegirlsinhiscircleandathispartieswerehotandpromiscuous,whichwasespeciallyintriguingtome.Thatsaid,Ididn’texpecttolikethe“coolnewband”Kevinwasgoingtoplayformewhilewesmokedajointinhisroomathispartythatnight.Ichangedmymindmidwaythroughthefirstsong,andbythetimethesecondsongwasoverIwasalifelongfanofElliotEaston.ElliotwasthesouloftheCars,andthatfirstrecordoftheirswonmeover.Inmyopinion,theCarswereoneofthefewimpactfulgroupsthatcamealongwhenNewWavetookovertheairwaves.

JustbeforeIleftthepartythatnight,Iheardasnippetofmusicthatseriouslygrabbedmyattention.SomeonehadputAerosmith’sRocksonthestereoandIcaughtonlytwosongs,butthatwasenough.IthadthisreallynastyalleycatvibetoitthatIhadneverheardbefore.Ifleadguitarwastheundiscoveredvoicethathadresidedwithinme,thiswastherecordI’dwaitedmywholelifetohear.ImadesuretocheckoutthealbumcoverbeforeItookoff,soI’dknowwhoitwas.IrememberedthenameAerosmith;fouryearsbefore,in1975,theyhadtheironlyAMradiohitatthetimewith“WalkThisWay.”IranintotheRocksrecordagainaweekortwolater…butatthemostinopportunemoment.

Imustprefacethisnextstorybysayingthatrelationshipsarenevereasy,especiallywhenbothparties’bodiesareyoung,inexperienced,andragingwithhormones.MelissaandIreallycaredforeachother,butwestillbrokeupandmadeupoften,usuallyasaresultofmycommitmenttolearningtoplayguitarovershadowingmycommitmenttospendingtimewithher.Atthisparticularpoint,wewereapartandIhadsetmysightsonsomeonewe’llcallLaurie.She

wasasignificantlyolder,veryobviouslyout-of-my-leaguefigureamongmycircleoffriends.Lauriehadincredibletits,longblond-brownhair,andworereallythin,strapped,low-cuttops.Theyweresosheerandloosethatherchestwasfartooeasytosee.Likeme,Lauriewasrecentlysingle:she’dbrokenupwithRicky,herverytypicalsurferboyfriend.Iwasdeterminedtobewithher;Ididn’tcarethatshewasfouryearsolderthanmeandwouldn’tgivemethetimeofday.IknewIcoulddothis.Ikepttalkingtoherandpayingattentiontoherandfinallygotadialoguegoing.Sheletherguarddownandgottoknowme,andonceshedid,sheseemedtoforgetthatafewweeksbeforeIwasnothingbutsomemuchyoungerpunkshedidn’tcaretonotice.Finallysheinvitedmeovertohangoutonenightwhenhermomwasgoingoutoftown.

Iparkedmybikeonherlawnandfollowedherupstairstoherroom.Itwasyearsaheadofmycomprehensionofcoolandgroovyatthetime:shehadscarvesoverthelamps,rockposterseverywhere,herownstereo,andatonofrecords.WegotstonedandIintendedtoplayitcool,soIflippedthroughheralbumslookingforsomethingtoimpressher.IrecognizedRocksfromKevin’spartyafewweeksearlierandputiton,ignorantofthefactthatithadbeenplayingnonstopinmysubconscioussincethemomentIheardthosefirsttwosongs.Oncetheopeningshrieksof“BackintheSaddle”filledtheroom,Iwastransfixed;Ilistenedtotherecordoverandover,crouchedbythespeakers,ignoringLauriecompletely.IforgotaboutheraltogetheraswellaswhateverintricateplansIhadfortheevening.Afteracouplehours,shetappedmeontheshoulder.

“Hey,”shesaid.

“Hey,”Isaid.“What’sgoingon?”

“Iguessyoushouldgohomenow.”

“Oh,yeah…Okay.”

Rocksisaspowerfultometodayasitwasthen:thescreamingvocals,dirtyguitars,andrelentlessgroovesarebluesyrockandrollasitismeanttobeplayed.TherewassomethingabouttherawadolescenceofAerosmiththatwasperfectlyintunewithmyinnerdevelopmentatthetime;thatrecordjustsoundedthewayIfelt.AftermymissedopportunitywithLaurie,Idevotedmyselftolearning“BackintheSaddle.”IstolethecassetteandanAerosmithsongbook

andreplayedthesonguntilIknewtheriffs.Ilearnedavaluablelessonintheprocess:musicbookscan’tteachyouhowtoplayproperly.I’dsortoflearnedtoreadmusic,soIcouldtellthatthenotesinthesongbookwerenotthesameasthosebeingplayedontherecord.Itmadesense:Istruggledforhoursandstillcouldn’tplayalongproperly.SoIditchedthebooksandkeptatituntilI’dlearnedtofigureitoutbyear;andIfiguredouteveryothersongIwantedtoplaythatwayforeverafter.

Intheprocessoflearningeverylickof“BackintheSaddle,”IrealizedjusthowidiosyncraticJoe’sandBrad’splayingis,andhownoonecaneverreallyplaylikeanyoneelsebutthemselves.Imitationshouldremainasteppingstoneforaplayertofindhisorherownvoice,butitmustneverbecomehisorhervoice:nooneshouldemulatetheirheroestothepointofnote-for-notemimicry.Guitaristoopersonalofanexpressionforthat;itshouldbeexactlywhatitis—asingularextensionoftheplayer.

BYTHETIMEMYLASTJUNIORHIGHSUMMERdrewtoaclose,Ihadcreatedaworldofmyowndesignthatwasasconsistentasmyhomelifewasirregular,becauseduringthisperiod,inthewakeoftheirseparation,mymomanddadeachenteredintoveryirregularrelationships.Ilivedwitheachofthemforshortamountsoftime,butneithersituationfeltquiteright.IendedupmostlylivingwithmygrandmotherinhercondoinHollywoodwhilemylittlebrotherlivedwithmymom.Ofcourse,mostofthetimeIsleptoveratMelissa’s.

FollowingherrelationshipwithDavidBowie,mymomstarteddatingatalentedphotographerwe’llcall“Boyfriend.”TheyweretogetherforaboutthreeyearsandeventuallymovedintoanapartmentonCochranoffThird,nearLaBrea,whereIlivedwiththemforawhile.BoyfriendwasprobablytenyearsyoungerthanOla;whentheymethewasastarontherise:IremembermeetingHerbRitts,MosheBrakha,andafewotherfamousphotographersandmodelsattheirplace.MymomandBoyfriendhadaprettytumultuousrelationship,duringwhichsheregressedintohisassistantandputhercareeraside.

Boyfriendalwayshadadarkroominhisbathroom,andtowardtheendoftheirrelationshipIdiscoveredthathewasfreebasingcocaineinthereallnightlongwhile“working.”Itwasn’talwaysallbadoverthere,butoncefreebasingsuddenlypoppedupinBoyfriend’slife,itproceededtopromptlyhalthiscareer—takinghisrelationshipwithmymomdownwithit.Boyfriendwastortured;hewasmiserableandmiserylovescompany,soalthoughIwasn’tfondof

wasmiserableandmiserylovescompany,soalthoughIwasn’tfondofBoyfriendatall(andheknewit),hewasdeterminedtodragmealongfortheride.We’dfreebasetogether,thengooutintotheneighborhoodandwanderintootherpeople’sgarages.Usuallywe’dstealusedfurniture,oldtoys,andwhateveroddsandendsitseemedlikethefamilyhaddiscarded.Oneoftheitemswefoundwasaredcouchthatwecarriedallthewaybacktoourhouse;wethenspray-painteditblackandputintheden.Ican’timaginewhatOlathoughtwhenshewokeupthenextmorning.Ihavenoideaactually,becauseshenevermentionedit.Inanycase,afterouradventures,Boyfriendwouldkeepatit,basingallmorningand,Isuppose,allday.I’dduckintomyroomby7:30a.m.,pretendtosleepforanhour,thengetup,saygoodmorningtomymother,andheadofftoschoolasifI’djusthadagoodnight’ssleep.

MymomhadinsistedthatIlivewithherandBoyfriendbecauseshedisapprovedoftheconditionsI’dbeensubjectedtooveratmydad’splace.Oncemydadhadacclimatedtotheirseparation,hegotittogethertorentanapartmentwherehisfriendMilesandagroupofmyparents’mutualacquaintanceslived.Itseemedlikeeveryoneinthatscenedrankalot,andmydadwasdatinganumberofwomen,somymotherdidn’tthinkitwasagoodenvironmentforme.MydaddatedawomannamedSonnyonaregularbasisduringthatperiod.LifehadnotbeenkindtoSonny;she’dlosthersoninahorribleaccidentandthoughshewasreallysweet,shewasreallyscrewedup.Sheandmydadspentalotoftimetogetherdrinkingandfucking.Soforawhilethere,whileIlivedwithMom,IsawDadonlyonweekends,butwhenIdid,healwayshadsomethinginterestingwaitingforme:someunusualdinosaurmodelorsomethingmoretechnical,likearemotecontrolledairplanethatyouhadtobuildfromscratch.

Lateron,IsawmoreofhimoncehemovedintoanapartmentonSunsetandGardner,inabuildingofstudioapartmentswithasharedbathroom.HisartbuddySteveDouglaslivedjustdownthehall.Onthefirstfloorwasaguitarstore,thoughatthetimeIhadn’tyetpickedupthehabit.Mydad’sartstudiofilledtheentireroom,sohe’dbuiltalofttosleepinonthefarwallandIlivedtherewithhimforawhilewhenIwasinseventhgrade,justafterIgotkickedoutofJohnBurroughsJuniorHighforstealingaloadofBMXbikes—butthatisastorynotworthtelling.Inanycase,forthatbriefperiodIattendedLeConteJuniorHigh,andsincemydaddidn’tdrive,Iwalkedthefivemilestoschoolandbackeachday.

I’mnotquitesurewhatDadorStevedidformoney.StevewasanartistaswellandasfarasIcouldtell,alltheydidwasspendtheirdaysdrinkingandtheir

wellandasfarasIcouldtell,alltheydidwasspendtheirdaysdrinkingandtheirnightspaintingfortheirownbenefitortalkingaboutart.OneofmymoreentertainingmemoriesfromthatperiodinvolvedSteve’sold-fashionedmedicinebagfullofvintagepornthathecaughtmelookingatoneday.

Hisplaceandourplacewerebasicallysharedspace,soitwasentirelynormalformetowanderdowntohisstudiowheneverIwantedto.Onedayhewalkedinandfoundmelookingthroughhistreasurechestofporn.“I’llmakeyouadeal,Saul,”hesaid.“Ifyoumanagetostealthatbagoutfromundermynose,youcankeepit.Thinkyou’reuptoit?I’mprettyquick;you’dbetterbegood.”Ijustsmiledathim;I’dalreadydevisedaplantomakeitminebeforehechallengedme.Iliveddownthehall—comparedtowhatIwasalreadydoingoutintheworldintermsoftheft,thiswasn’tmuchofaheist.

AcoupleofdayslaterIwentovertoSteve’splacelookingformydadandatthetimetheyweresoengagedinconversationthattheydidn’tevennoticethatI’dcomein.Itwastheperfectopportunity;Igrabbedthebag,walkedout,andstasheditupontheroof.Unfortunatelyitwasashort-livedvictory:mydadorderedmetogiveitbackonceSteverealizedthatitwasgone.It’stoobad;thosemagazineswereclassics.

TherewereperiodsthroughoutmychildhoodwhenIinsistedtomyparentsthattheyweren’tmyparents,becauseIhonestlybelievedthatI’dbeenkidnapped.Ialsoranawayalot.OnetimewhenIwaspreparingtorunaway,mydadactuallyhelpedmepackmysuitcase,whichwasalittleplaidbaghe’dboughtmeinEngland.Hewassounderstandingaboutitandsohelpfulandkindthatbydoingso,heconvincedmetostay.ThatkindofsubtlereversepsychologyisoneofthetraitsofhisthatIhopeI’veinherited,becauseI’dliketouseitonmykids.

I’DSAYMYBIGGESTADVENTUREWASthedayItookoffonmyBigWheelwhenIwassixyearsold.AtthetimewelivedatthetopofLookoutMountainRoadandIrodeitallthewaydowntoLaurelCanyon,thenallthewaydownLaurelCanyontoSunsetBoulevard,which,allinall,isjustovertwomiles.Iwasn’tlost,Ihadaplan:Iwasgoingtomoveintoatoystore,andlivetherefortherestofmylife.IguessI’vealwaysbeendetermined.Sure,thereweremanytimesthatIwantedtogetawayfromhomeasakid,butIhavenoregretsabouthowIwasraised.Ifithadbeenanybitdifferent,ifI’dbeenbornjustoneminutelater,

orbeeninthewrongplaceattherighttimeorviceversa,thelifethatI’velivedandcometolovewouldnotexist.AndthatisasituationthatIwouldn’twanttoconsiderintheslightest.

4

EducationHigh

Institutionalhallwaysareallthesame,they’rejustdifferentcolors.I’veseentheinsideofseveralrehabcenters,somemoreupscalethanothers,buttheclinicalsobrietyoftheirwallswasidentical.Allofthemwerepredominantlywhiteandplasteredwithoptimisticsloganslike“It’sajourney,notadestination”and“Onedayatatime.”IfoundthatlastoneironicconsideringtheroadthatMackenziePhillipshasbeendown.Theroomsweregenericbackdropsengineeredtoinspirehopeinpeoplefromeverywalkoflife,because,asthosewhohavebeenthereknow,rehabisamoreaccuratecrosssectionofsocietythanjuryduty.Ineverlearnedmuchfrom“group”;Ididn’treallymakeanynewbuddiesinrehabandIdidn’ttakeadvantageofmultipleopportunitiestomakenewdrugconnectionseither.AfterI’dspentdaysinbedwithmybodyinpurgatorialknots,unabletoeat,speak,orthink,Iwasn’tupforsmalltalk.Tome,thecommunalaspectofrehabwasforced—justlikehighschool.Andjustlikehighschool,Ididn’tfitin.Neitherinstitutiontaughtmetheirintendedlessons,butIlearnedsomethingimportantfromeachofthem.Onmywaybackdowntheirhallwaystowardtheexit,IwasconfidentthatIleftknowingexactlywhoIwas.

IenteredFairfaxHighin1979.ItwasanaverageAmericanpublichighschool—linoleumfloors,rowsoflockers,acourtyard,afewaround-backspotswherekidshavesnuckcigarettesanddonedrugsforyears.Itwaspaintedavery

institutionallyneutrallightgraycolor.Therewasagoodspottogethighoutbythefootballfield,therewasalsoacontinuationschoolontheothersideofcampuscalledWaltWhitman,wherealltherealfuck-upswent,becausetheyhadto.Thatseemedliketheendoftheline,soalthoughitwasmoreinteresting,evenfromafar,thanthenormalcampus,Itriedtostayawayfromthatplaceasmuchaspossible.

Mybestfriend,StevenAdler,wasshippedbacktotheValleyforhighschool,whichwasasfaroffasSpaininmymind.Ididvisithimoutthereafewtimesanditneverfailedtodisappoint:itwasflat,dry,hotterthanitwasathome,andexactlylikeasitcomneighborhood.Everyonethereseemedtocherishtheiridenticallawnsandidenticallives.Evenatayoungage,Iknewsomethingwaswrongwiththatplace;beneaththenormalcy,IcouldsensethatthosepeopleweremorefuckedupthananyoneinHollywood.IfeltbadforSteven,andoncehewasgone,Iretreatedfurtherintomyguitarworld.Iwenttoschool,alwaysregisteringasifIwerethereeveryday,butonaverageI’dattendmyfirstthreeclassesandspendtherestofmytimeonthebleachersplayingguitar.

Therewasonlyoneclassthatmeantanythingtomeinhighschool;consequently,it’salsotheonlyoneinwhichIearnedanA.ItwasamusictheorycoursethatItookfreshmanyearcalledHarmony,taughtbyaguynamedDr.Hummel.Theclassreducedtheelementsofmusicalcompositiontotheirroots,definingthefundamentalsinmathematicalterms.Ilearnedtowritetimesignatures,chords,andchordstructures,allbyanalyzingtheunderlyinglogicthatbindsthem.Weneverplayedaninstrument:ourteacherusedapianoasatooltoillustratethetheories,butthatwasall;theclasswaspurelyastudyoftheory.WhileIwasterribleatmath,Iwasgoodatthis,soitwastheoneclassInevermissed.EverytimeIshowedup,IfeltlikeIalreadyknewthelessonswelearned.Ineverconsciouslyappliedanyofittotheguitar,butIcan’thelpbutthinktheknowledgeofnotationthatIpickedupseepedintomymindandaidedmyplayingsomehow.Therewasacastofcharactersinthisclass:amongotherstherewasSam,thepianovirtuoso,aJewishguywithtightcurlyhair,andRandy,whowasalong-haired,Chinese,metalguy.RandyalwaysworeasatinAerosmithjacketandwasoftheopinionthatKeithRichardsandPeteTownshendsuckedandEddieVanHalenwasGod.WeeventuallybecamefriendsandIcametoenjoyourdailydebatesasmuchasIenjoyedthatclass,becauseitwasmadeupofmostlymusiciansdiscussingnothingotherthanmusic.

Otherclasses,meanwhile,didn’tgosowellforme.TherewasoneteacherwhochosetomakeanexampleofmeoncewhenIfellasleeponmydesk.Ihadaneveningjobatthetimeatthelocalmovietheater,soIcouldhavebeentired;it’smorelikelythatIwasjustboredoutofmymind,becausetheclasswassocialstudies.FromwhatIunderstand,theteacherstoppedeverythingtodiscusstheconceptofstereotypewiththeclass.HenotedmylonghairandthefactthatIwasasleepand,illustratingthemeaningofthewordstereotype,heconcludedthatIwasarockmusicianwhoprobablyhadnogreateraspirationsinlifethanplayingveryloudmusic.Hethenwokemeupandaskedmeafewpointedquestions.

“SoItakeityou’reprobablyamusician,right?”heasked.“Whatdoyouplay?”

“Iplayguitar,”Isaid.

“Whatkindofmusicdoyouplay?”

“Rockandroll,Iguess.”

“Isitloud?”

“Yeah,it’sprettyloud.”

“Notice,class,thisyoungmanistheperfectexampleofastereotype.”

IamalwaysgrumpywhenIfirstwakeup,sothiswasmorethanIwaswillingtotake.Igotup,walkedtothefrontoftheclass,flippedhisdeskover,andleft.Thatincident,combinedwithapriorweedbust,spelledtheendofmycareeratFairfaxHigh.

ILEARNEDMOREABOUTMYPEERGROUPattheunofficialhighschoolrecesswherefreshmentoseniorsfromFairfaxandotherhighschoolsgatheredattheendofalongdirtroadatthetopofFullerDrive,wayupintheHollywoodHills.ItwascalledFullerEstates;it’snotthereanymore—nowit’sjustacurveonthehikingtrailinRunyonCanyon.Itwasateenagewastelandinthelateseventiesandearlyeighties,butbeforethatitwasmuchmoreinteresting:inthe1920s,itwasErrolFlynn’smansion;itoccupiedafewacresatthetopofthatwidehill

overlookingL.A.BetweenthenandwhenIwasakid,itfellintoseriousdecline,andby1979itwasaruinofafoundation;justabigconcreteslabandanemptypool.BythetimeIsawit,theplacewasastatuesquewreckwithanamazingview.

Thesong'sbombastic,apocalypticriffjustconsumedmyentirebody.

Thecrumblingconcretewallswereatwo-levelmazethatwasaperfect,out-of-the-wayspotforstonersofallages.Itwaspitch-blackthereatnight,farawayfromtheglareofanystreetlight.Butsomebodyalwayshadaradio.IwasonaciduptherethefirsttimeIeverheardBlackSabbath.Iwasoutofmymind,staringintotheblackskyaboveFullerEstates,tracingtrailsbetweenthestarswhensomeonenearbyblasted“IronMan.”I’mnotsurethatIcanpinpointhowIfelt;thesong’sbombastic,apocalypticriffjustconsumedmyentirebody.

Thatplaceandeveryonetherewasstraightoutofaseventiesteenmovie.Infact,itwascapturedperfectlyinOvertheEdge,afilmstarringayoungMattDillon,aboutabunchofrepressed,stoned,andout-of-controlTexasteenagerswhowereignoredbytheirparentstothedegreethattheytooktheirwholetownhostage.Inthefilm,asIbetitwasforallofthekidswhohungoutupatFuller,thecharacters’parentshadnoideaastowhattheirkidswerereallyupto.Initsmostaggressiveandmostrealisticmoments,thatfilmwasatruerepresentationofteenagecultureatthetime:mostkids’parentseitherdidn’tcareenoughtonoticeornaïvelythoughttheyweredoingtherightthingbytrustingtheirchildrenandturningablindeye.

WHENIWASINHIGHSCHOOLKIDSLOOKEDafewdifferentways.Theinfluenceofspandexseepedin,thankstoPatBenatarandDavidLeeRoth,andthattrendleftitscolorfulmark:girlsworetight,low-cut,neonbodysuits,andsomeguysweren’tfarbehind.IrememberseeingCapezioswhenIwasinjuniorhigh,butthankGod,theywereoutbythetimeIwasafreshman;althoughfeatheredhairwasstillstandardforeithersex.Itwasfartoocommonandwasn’tcoolbyanymeans.

AnotherhugeinfluencewasthefilmAmericanGigolo,starringRichardGere,whichchronicledthedownfallofastylishBeverlyHillsmaleescort.ItwastheworstthingthatcouldhavehappenedtoHollywoodteenagersbecauseeverygirlwhosawitstrovetore-createtheirpersonalversionofthatworld.

Suddenly,girlswhowerethirteen,fourteen,andfifteentriedtodressasiftheyweretwenty-fiveandaspiredtodatewell-dressed,mucholderguys.Ineverdialedintotheirpsychology,butIwatchedmorethanafewgirlsIknew,asearlyasfifteen,startwearingtoomuchmakeup,doingblow,anddatingnineteen-year-oldsandtwentysomethings.Itwasfuckingpatheticandstraightupsad.Alotofthembecamecasualtiesofthescenebeforetheyevenreachedlegaldrinkingage.Afterall,theyhadahugeheadstart,soitcaughtuptothembeforetheyevengotoutofthegate.

IDIDN’TLOOKLIKEANYOFTHEOTHERkidsinschoolandmyinterestscertainlysetmeapart.Ihavewornlonghair,T-shirts,jeans,andVansorChuckTaylorssinceIfirsthadasayinthematter.OnceIwasinhighschool,allIcaredaboutwasmusicandplayingguitar;Ineverabidedbythetrendsthatswayedmypeers,soIwasathrow-back.It’salwaysbeenaparadoxwithme;IstoodoutbutIdidn’tcraveorcourtobviousattention.Allthesame,Iwasusedtonotfittinginandwasn’tcomfortablewithanythingelse:IhadchangedschoolssooftenthatIwastheperennialnewguy—andprobably,inthemindsofmypeers,thefreakynewguy.

Itdidn’thelpthattothenakedeye,Iwasn’tobviouslyanything:upper-,middle-,orlower-class;white,black,orotherwise.AsIgotolder,andasmyhomeaddresscontinuedtochange,Irealizedandunderstoodwhymymomsodeeplyponderedmyschoolregistrationformsbeforecheckingoneboxoranother:ifIwaslistedasblackincertainschooldistrictsImightbebusedoutofthezonetoaninferiorschoolwhenIotherwisemightbeenrolledinthebetterschooldownthestreetifIwerearegisteredCaucasian.Ineverfoundanichebasedonraceinhighschool,andI’vealwaysbeenawareofmyraceonlywhenitwasanissueinthemindsofothers.Ihavebeeninmanysituations,backthenandeversince,whenI’venoticedvery“open-minded”individualsadjusttheirbehaviorbecausetheywereunsureofwhetherIwasblackorwhite.Asamusician,I’vealwaysbeenamusedthatI’mbothBritishandblack;particularlybecausesomanyAmericanmusiciansseemtoaspiretobeBritishwhilesomanyBritishmusicans,inthesixtiesinparticular,wenttosuchgreatpainstobeblack.ItwasanotherwayIwasn’tlikeanyoneelse,butIcancountononehandtheconfrontationsI’vehadthatwereraciallymotivated;theyoccuredonceIwassubmergedintheverywhiteuniverseofeightiesmetal.OnetimeattheRainbowIgotintoafightwithChrisHolmesfromW.A.S.P.DuffoverheardChrissaying

thatniggersshouldn’tplayguitar.Hedidn’tsayittome,butitwasobviouslyaboutme.AsIremember,DufftoldmeaboutitlaterandthenexttimeIsawChrisIwentuptoconfronthimandhetookoffrunning.Asidefrominsultingme,it’soneofthemoreridiculousanduntruethingsamusician,ofallpeople,couldeverpossiblysay.

IFOUNDMYOWNCIRCLEOFFRIENDSinhighschool,peoplewhowereallprettyunique,differentfromtherestofthestudentbody.Myclosestfriends,MattandMark,definedthatperiodofmylife.MattCasselisthesonofSeymourCassel,oneofthegreatestcharacteractorsofthepastfiftyyears.Seymourhasbeeninnearlytwohundredfilmssincethesixties,mostnotablythosemadewithhisclosefriendJohnCassavetes.He’sbeenintoomanyfilmsandTVshowstoname;inrecentyears,directorWesAndersonhasbeenhischampion:he’scastSeymourinRushmore,TheRoyalTenenbaums,andTheLifeAquaticwithSteveZissou.SeymourisaHollywoodlegend;hesupportedindiefilmmakingbeforeitbecameaninstitution(hisphilosophywasthathe’dplayaroleheconnectedwithforthepriceoftheplaneticket).Hewasalsoafigureinahard-partyingclassofmoviemakingroyaltythatincludedCassavetes,BenGazzara,RomanPolanski,andothers.

IcouldshowupatMatt’shouse,sitinhisroom,andplayguitarforhours,learningstuffofftherecordshehad:PatTravers’sLive,AC/DC’snewest,BackinBlack;thosealbumsprovidedhoursandhoursofriffstolearn.TheylivedrightaboveSunsetonKingsRoad,tuckedbehindtheRiotHyatt,nextdoortoanA-framehousethatisstillthere.TherewerepornmoviesbeingshotinthathouseallthetimewhileSeymourwasgrowingweedinthebackyardofhisplace.TheA-framewasahugeadvantagetohangingatMatt’s:we’dwanderoverthereandmixitupwiththeporngirls.Itwasn’tappropriate,buttheylikedtogetusteenageboysallfiredupandfrustratedbyplayingwitheachother.

Seymourhadthebestparties,andhehadraisedhiskidswellenoughtotrustthemtohangout.MymomknewSeymour,butsheneverwouldhavecondonedthegoings-onoverthere.AtSeymour’spartiestherewasalotoffreedomanditwasfull-on.Hiskids,MattandDilynn,weresosmartandindependentthathedidn’thavetoworry:they’dalreadyfiguredoutwhotheywereamidthiscrazyexistence.Seymour’swife,Betty,nevercameoutofherbedroom;itwasadarkandforebodingmysterytomeastowhatwentonupstairs.CoupledwiththefactthatSeymourruledthehousewithabitofanironfist,Mattallowedonlyaselect

thatSeymourruledthehousewithabitofanironfist,Mattallowedonlyaselectfewofhisfriends,ofwhichIwasone,intotheirworld.

OnedaySeymourlookedatmeandbestoweduponmethenicknamethatresonatedwithhimmorethanmypropernameeverdid.AsIwaspassingfromoneroomtoanotherinhishouse,ataparty,lookingforthenextwhateveritwasIwasafter,hetouchedmeontheshoulder,fixedmewiththataffablegazeofhis,andsaid,“Hey,Slash,whereyagoing?Whereyagoing,Slash?Huh?”

Obviouslyitstuck.MyfriendswhohungatSeymour’sstartedcallingmeSlashbackatschoolandsoonenoughthatwastheonlynameeveryoneknewmeby.Atthetime,myfriendsandIjustthoughtitwasacoolname,butitwasn’tuntilyearslaterthatIcaughtupwithSeymourandheexplaineditproperly.IwasontourduringUseYourIllusions,andhappenedtobeinParis,withmymomalong,whenSeymourwasthere,too.Thethreeofushadlunchandheexplainedthatthenicknameembodiedmysenseofhustle,ineverysenseoftheword.HewasproudofthefactthatI’dactuallymadeanameformyselfandthathe’dbeentheonetogivemethatmoniker.HisreasonforcallingmeSlashwasthatIneverstoodstillformorethanfiveminutes;hesawmeassomeonewhowasalwaysworkingonhisnextscheme.Hewasright:I’vealwaysbeencomingorgoingmorethanI’veeverstayedstill.Iamperpetuallyinmotion,oftensayinggood-byewhilesayinghelloandSeymoursummedthatqualityupinaword.

ImetatonofpeopleatSeymour’s—includingtheStones.AftertheyplayedtheL.A.Coliseumtheycamebyforanafter-afterpartyathisplace.Ihadseentheshowthatnight;theyplayed“YouCan’tAlwaysGetWhatYouWant”sosoulfullythatI’llneverforgetit.ImanagedtoshakeRonnieWood’shand;IwasfifteenandlittledidIknowthathe’dbeoneofmybestfriendslaterinlife.Infact,myfirstson,London,wasconceivedinhishouse.

Myotherclosefriend,MarkMansfield,haspoppedinandoutofmylifeeversincewefirstmetbackinhighschool.Mark’sdad,Ken,wasarecordproducerandhisstepmomwasasinger—hisrealmomlivedinSantaBarbara,wherehe’doftengowhenhegotintrouble—andhewasconstantlyintrouble.Mark’sfamilylivedinaverynicehouseaboveSunsetandMarkwasaminiJamesDeanwithatouchofDennisHopper.He’dtryanythingandhe’ddoanythingthatanyoneeverdaredhimtodo—andhe’ddoitwithsheerenthusiasmandasmileonhisface.Slowlybutsurelythatattitudeledhimdownadarkroad:juveniledetention,rehab,andthelike.Markwasthekindofguywhooncecalledmeattena.m.totellmethatheandafriendhadjustdrivenhis

whooncecalledmeattena.m.totellmethatheandafriendhadjustdrivenhisfriend’smom’scarofftheroadsomewherealongMulholland.They’dstolenitoutofthekid’smom’sdrivewaysinceshewasoutoftownandinevitablylauncheditofftheshoulder,intothecanyon.Luckilyforthemtheylandeditinatreeandwereabletoclimbbackuptostreetlevel.Needlesstosay,thenextcallIgotfromMarkwasfromexileathismom’shouseinSantaBarbara.

ASSOONASICOULDSTRINGTHREEchordstogetherconsistentlyandimproviseasolo,Iwantedtoformaband.Stevenwasgone,hewasoffintheValley,soIstruckoutonmyown.Ihadtriedtostartabandattheverytailendofjuniorhighbutithadn’tgonesowell.IfoundabassplayerandadrummerwhosemomtaughtFrenchatFairfaxHighSchool.Thiswastobemyfirstexperiencewithatempermental,tantrum-pronedrummer;ifhemadeonemistake,thiskidwouldkicktheentirekitover.Thenwe’dhavetowaitwhilehesetitallbackup.Thebassplayerinthatbandwasjustawesome.HisnamewasAlbert,andwe’dplayRainbowcoverslike“Stargazer.”Unfortunately,AlbertgotintoabikeaccidentonMulhollandDriveandendedupinacomaforamonthorso.Hewasintraction;hehadpinsinhisneckandinbothofhislegsandbracesholdinghislegsapart—allofit.HecametoschoollookinglikeabigcaptialA,andhehadnoaspirationsofplayingbassatallanymore.

MyfirstprofessionalgigwasatAl’sBar,playinginabandwithfriendsofmydad’s.Mydadwasveryproudofmyloveofguitarandalwaysbraggedtohisfriendsaboutme.Idon’tknowwhat,butsomethingmusthavehappenedwiththeirguitarplayerandTonytalkedthemintolettingmeplay.I’msuretheywereworriedaboutwhetherornotIcoulddoit.ButIgotupthereandwasabletohandleit:itwasalltwelve-barbluesandstandardblues-basedcoversliketheStones,whichIhadafeelfor.Igotfreebeersoutofit,whichiswhatmadeittrulyprofessional.

Therewereafewguitarplayersinmycircleofhighschoolfriends.ImetaguynamedAdamGreenbergwhoplayeddrumsandwefoundaguynamedRonSchneiderwhoplayedbassandwebecameatriodubbedTidusSloan.Istillhavenoideawhatthatnamemeans…I’mprettysurethatIgotitoffaguynamedPhillipDavidson(whowe’llgettoinjustalittlebit).OnenightwhenPhillipwasmumblingincoherentlyIrememberbeingreallycuriousaboutwhateveritwasthathewassaying.

“Tidusallysloantegohome,”Phillipsaid.Atleastthat’swhatIheard.

“Tidusallysloantegohome,”Phillipsaid.Atleastthat’swhatIheard.

“What?”Iaskedhim.

“Tidusalldesloanstoghoshum,”hesaid.OrsoIthought.

“Hey,Phillip,whatareyoutryingtosay?”

“I’mstellingyoutotidusthesesloanstagrowfome,”hesaid.“Tidussloanstogohome.”

“Okay,man,”Isaid.“Cool.”

Ithinkhewantedmetotellallthesegirlsinhishousetogohome,butIwalkedawayfromthatsituationthinkingthatTidusSloan,whateverthefuckthatmeant,wasaprettycoolnameforaband.

TIDUSSLOANWASAPURELYINSTRUMENTALbandbecauseweneverfoundasingerandIcertainlywasn’tgoingtosingmyself.Basically,Idon’thavethepersonalitytobeafrontmanofanykind;it’senoughofaneffortformetogetoutthereandtalktopeopleatall.AllIreallywanttodoisplayguitarandbeleftalone.Inanycase,TidusSloanplayedearlyBlackSabbath,earlyRush,earlyZeppelin,andearlyDeepPurplewithoutvocals—wewereretrobeforetherewasaretro.

SlashandRonSchneider,two-thirdsofTidusSloan.

WerehearsedinAdam’sgarage,whichdrovehismomcompletelyinsane.Sheandtheneighborswouldcomplainconstantly,whichisunderstandablebecauseweplayedmuchtooloudforaresidentialneighborhood.Hismom’snamewasShirleyandIdrewacartooninherhonor:itwasawomaninthedoorwayofaroomscreaming,“It’stooloudandIcan’tstandthenoise!”atthetopofherlungs.Theflooroftheroominthepictureislitteredwithbeercansandonthebedisakidwithlonghairplayingguitar,totallyoblivious.

MycaricatureofShirleybecametheinspirationformyfirsttattoo,thoughthefigurethatIhadinkedonmyarmlooksnothinglikeher—myversionhasNikkiSixxhairandhugetits,whiletherealShirleyfavoredcurlersandwasoldandfat—thoughalsowithbigtits.IgotthattattoowhenIwassixteen;it’sonmyrightarmanditsaysSlashunderneathit.AdamexplainedtomelaterthatShirley’sfrequentoutburstswereentirelymyfault:IhadjustacquiredaTalkboxfromMarkMansfield’sstepmom,whichisasoundamplifierthatallowsamusiciantomodifythesoundofwhateverinstrumentisfilteredthroughitbythemovementofhismouthagainstacleartubethat’sattachedtoit.ApparentlythesoundsthatImaderemindedShirleyofherlatehusband,whodiedofthroatcancerjustacoupleyearspreviously.He’dhadtospeakthroughanartificialvoiceboxandthesoundsIwasmakingweretoosimilarforhertobear.NeedlesstosayIstoppedusingtheTalkboxatherhouse.

Therewereafewotherguitarplayersandbandsaroundmyhighschool,likeTraciiGunsandhisbandPyrhus.IhadamomentofenvywhenIfirststartedplayingguitar,beforeIownedanelectric;TraciihadablackLesPaul(arealone)andaPeavyamp,andI’llneverforgethowtogetherIthoughthewas.Wewouldcheckouteachother’sbandsatpartiesandtherewasdefinitelyacompetitivevibeaboutthewholething.

InhighschoolIstartedhangingoutwithwhatevermusiciansIcouldfind.Therewereafewguysmyageandafewolder,left-overDeepPurpledudes,whowereirretrievablybrain-deadandwellpasttheirexpirationdatetostillbehangingoutwithkidsfromhighschool.ThebestofthemwastheaforementionedPhillipDavidson:notonlydidheunintentionallynamemyfirstband,buthehadaStratocaster,whichwasaverybigdeal,andhisparentsneverseemedtobehome.Helivedinthisbeat-uphouseinHancockParkthatwasovergrownwithweedsandwe’djustpartyovertherealldayandallnight.Wewereteenagersthrowingkegparties;noparents,justPhillipandhistwostonerbrothers.

Ialwayswonderedwherehisparentswere;itwaslikethePeanutscartoon,allkids,noauthorityfigures.Itwasamysterytome—Ialwaysthoughtthatmaybehisparentswerecominghomeatanygivenmoment,buttheyneverdid.Ifeltliketheonlyonewhowasconcerned;Phillipmentionedtheexistenceofhisparents,whoownedtheplace,buttheyneverseemedtomaterialize.Therewasnowheretheycouldbehidingeither;thiswasaone-storyhousewiththreebedrooms.ForallIknew,theycouldbeburiedinthebackyard,andiftheywerenoonewouldeverfindthembecausethebackyardwaspiledhighwithdebris.

Phillipusedtowanderfromroomtoroomcarryinghisjointorcigaretteorwhatevercombinationofthetwoitwas,whiletellingstoriesthatwerereallylongonlybecausehetalkedreallyslow.Hewasatalllankyguywithatruebilly-goatgoatee,longauburnhair,andfreckles;andhewasjuststonedlikereallystoned.Imean,sometimeshewouldchuckle,butotherwisehewasprettyexpressionless.Hiseyesseemedperpetuallyclosed—hewasthatkindofstoned.

SupposedlyPhillipcouldplayHendrixandlotsofstuffonthatvintageStratofhis,butIneverheardanyofit.Ineverevenheardhimplayanythingatall.WheneverIwasoverthereIonlyrememberhimputtingDeepPurplerecordsonthestereo.Hewassoburnedoutthatitwasjustpainfultohangoutwiththisguy.Ialwaysseethebestinpeople;itdoesn’tmatterwhattheirfuckingmalfunctionis.ButPhillip?Iwaitedinvainforsomethingbrillianttohappen,

malfunctionis.ButPhillip?Iwaitedinvainforsomethingbrillianttohappen,justthatsmallsparkinhimtoigniteaflamethatnobodyelsemightsee.Iwaitedfortwostraightyearsofjuniorhighandneversawit.Nope,nothing.But,hedidhaveaStratocaster.

Idonotliketocombinecocaineandguitar.

ALLTHINGSCONSIDERED,TIDUSSLOANwasprettyfunctionalforahighschoolband.Weplayedourschoolamphitheaterandplentyofrowdyhighschoolparties,includingmyownbirthday.WhenIturnedsixteen,MarkMansfieldthrewapartyformeathisparents’houseintheHollywoodHillsandmybandwasallsettoplay.Formybirthday,mygirlfriend,Melissa,gavemeagramofcokeandthatnightIlearnedavaluablelesson:Idonotliketocombinecocaineandguitar.IdidafewlinesjustbeforewewentonandIcouldhardlyplayanote;itwasreallyembarrassing.It’sbeenthesametheveryfewtimessincethatI’vemadethatmistake:nothingsoundedright,Icouldnotfindthegroove,andIreallydidn’twanttobeplayingatall.ItfeltlikeIhadneverplayedguitarbefore,orasawkwardasthefirsttimeItriedtoski.

WedidaboutthreesongsbeforeIjustquit.Ilearnedearlytosaveanykindofextracurricularsforaftertheshow.Icandrinkandplay,butIknowmylimit;andasforheroin,we’llgetintothatlaterbecausethat’sawholeothercanofworms.Idid,however,learnenoughtoknowtonevercarrythatkindofhabitontheroad.

ThemostextravagantTidusSloangigwasatabatmitzvahdeepinthemiddleofnowhere.Adam,Ron,andIweregettinghighattheLaBreaTarPitsonenightandmetsomegirlwhoofferedusfivehundredbuckstoplayhersister’sparty.Whenshesawthatweweren’tthatinterested,shestarteddroppingthenamesofmanyfamouspeople,her“family’sfriends,”whoweregoingtobethere,MickJaggerincluded.Weremainedskeptical,butoverthecourseofthenextfewhours,shebuiltthispartyuptobethebiggesthappeninginL.A.SowepackedourequipmentandasmanyfriendsaswecouldintoourfriendMatt’spickuptruckandsetofftoplaythisgig.Thepartywasatthefamily’shouse,whichwasabouttwohoursfromHollywood—aboutanhourandforty-fiveminutesfurtherthanweexpected;ittooksolongthatwedidn’tevenknowwherewewerebythetimewegotthere.Themomentweturnedintothedriveway,IfounditimpossibletobelievethatthishousewasabouttohostL.A.’smoststar-studdedpartyoftheyear:itwasasmall,old-fashioned,grandparents’home.Therewereclearvinylslipcoversonthefurniture,blue

shagcarpetinthelivingroom,andfamilyportraitsandchinadisplayedonthewall.Forthespaceavailable,thisplacewaswayoverfurnished.

Wearrivedthenightbeforeandsleptintheirguesthouse.Itwasahospitablegesturebutahorribleidea,andtotellyouthetruth,thisveryproperJewishfamilylookedtrulyshockedwhenwearrived.Wesetupourequipmentthatnightontheveranda,wherethey’dsetoutthetablesandchairsandasmallstage,forthenextday’sperformance.Thenweproceededtogetcompletelyannihilatedontheloadofboozewe’dbroughtwithus.Weconsumeditprivatelyanddidourbesttocontainourselvestotheguesthouse,butunfortunately,weexhaustedoursupplyandwereobligedtobreakintothefamily’shousetoacquireafewbottlesofwhateverwasreadilyavailable.Thosebottleshappenedtobetheworstoneswecouldhavegottenourhandson:mixingourvodka,andwhiskey,withManischewitz,andabunchofliquorsthatwerenevermeanttobedownedstraightfromthebottlespelledthebeginningofaverylongweekend—forus,forourhosts,andforthemanyguestswhoshowedupthefollowingmorning.

Overthecourseofthenight,ourbandandourfriendsdestroyedthisfamily’sguesthousetoadegreethatsurpassesnearlyeverysimilarepisodethatIcanrememberGunsevergettinginto.Therewaspukealloverthebathtub;Iwassittingonthebathroomsinkwiththisgirlwhenitbrokeoffthewall—watersprayedeverywhereuntilweclosedthevalve.Itlookedasifwe’dvandalizedtheplaceonpurpose,butmostofitwasjustasideeffect.IamhappytosaythatIdidnotcommittheworstoffenseofall:barfinginthestew.Thisdish,whichwasatraditionalrecipeservedateverybarandbatmitzvahinthefamily,hadbeenlefttosimmerovernightintheguesthousesoitwouldbereadytoeatthenextday.Atsomepointintheevening,oneofourfriendsliftedthelid,vomitedintothepot,andreplacedthelidwithouttellinganybody—orturningofftheheat.Ican’ttellyouquitewhatitwasliketowakeuponthefloorwitharagingheadache,brokenglassstucktomyface,andtheodorofwarmvomit-infusedstewclingingtotheair.

Unfortunatelythehorrorshowcontinuedforthispoorfamily.Wehaddrunkallofourboozeandalloftheboozewe’dstolenfromthemainhousethenightbefore,sowestartedstealingboozefromtheoutdoorbarfirstthinginthemorning,aswebegantorehearse.Later,whentherelativesfiledinfortheafternoon’scelebration,wewereplayingprettyloudandnooneknewwhattodoorsay,thoughafewsuggestionsweremade.

Averypeppy,veryshortoldladycameuptoofferherconstructivecriticism.

“Hey,you,youngman,it’stooloud!”shesaid,squintingupatus.“Doyouthinkyoucouldturnitdown?Someofusaretryingtohaveaconversation!”

Grandmawasslick,shehadCoke-bottleblack-framedglassesandadesignersuitandthoughshewasshortshehadcompleteauthority.Sheaskedusifweknewany“familiar”songsandwedidourbesttoaccommodateher.WethrewinalloftheDeepPurpleandBlackSabbathcoversthatweknew.Theyhadastagesetupforuswithchairsinfrontofit,butitwasprettyclearthatasidefromafewsix-andeight-year-olds,theentirepartywasplasteredagainstthewallfarthestfromthestage.Actually,theguestswerebehavingasifitwererainingoutside,becausewhenIlookedupIrealizedthatthey’dpackedthemselvesintothelivingroomwhentherewasnoreasontofleetheopenairasidefromthesoundsofourset.

We’dcompletelyfreakedoutthepartygoers,sowetriedtodrawtheminbyslowingthingsdown:wedidaheavy-metalversionof“MessageinaBottle.”Thatdidn’twork,sowetriedtoplaywhateverotherpopularsongsweknew;weplayed“StartMeUp,”overandover,withoutasinger.Itwasnouse;ourhalf-hourinstrumentalverisonofitdidn’tgetanyoneoutonthefloor.OutofdesperationweplayedMorrisAlbert’s“Feelings,”asinterpretedbyJimiHendrix.Thatdidn’tdoiteither,sowemadeitourswansongandgotthehelloutofthere.

ITMIGHTBESURPRISINGTOSOME,BUTevenbeforeIhadaband,IstartedworkingregularlyasearlyaspossibletoearnthemoneythatIneededtopursueplayingguitar.I’dhadapaperroutesinceninthgradethatwasprettyextensive;IcoveredfromWilshireandLaBreadowntoFairfaxandBeverly.ItwasonlySundays;I’dhavetobeupatsixa.m.unlessIcouldconvincemygrandmothertodriveme.I’dhavetwohugebagsoneitherendofmyhandlebars,soleaningjustatouchtoomuchtoeithersidespelledwipeout.IeventuallyupgradedmyemploymenttoajobattheFairfaxmovietheater.

TheamountoftimeIputintoworkandtheamountoftimeIputintolearningtheguitarweresimultaneousrevelationstome:IfinallyknewwhyIwasputtingmynosetothegrindstone.Iguessitwastheunionofmyparents’influence:mydad’screativityandmymom’sinstincttosucceed.Imightchoose

influence:mydad’screativityandmymom’sinstincttosucceed.ImightchoosethehardestwaytogetwhereverIwanttogobutI’malwaysdeterminedenoughtogetthere.ThatinnerdrivehashelpedmesurvivethosemomentswheneverythingwasagainstmeandI’vefoundmyselfonmyownwithnothingelsetoseemethrough.

WorkwassomethingthatIfocusedonanddidwellwhetherIlikedmyjobornot,becauseIwaswillingtoworkmyassoffallnightanddayforthecashtosupportmypassion.IgotajobatBusinessCardClocks,asmallmail-orderclockfactory.FromSeptemberthroughDecembereachyear,Iwouldassembleclocksforabunchofcompanies’holidaygiftbaskets.I’dputanenlargedreproductionoftheirbusinesscardonapieceofmasonite,insertaclockmovementinthecenter,putawoodenframearoundit,boxitup,andthatwasthat.Imadethousandsandthousandsofthesethings.WewerepaidbythehourandIwastheonlypersontherewhogotcrazy;I’dbethereatsixa.m.,workallday,throughthenight,thenI’dsleepthere.Idon’tthinkitwaslegal,butIdidn’tcare:IwantedtomakeasmuchmoneyasIcouldduringtheseason.

ItwasagreatjobthatIkeptforquiteafewyears,thoughitdideventuallybitemeintheass:myboss,Larry,paidmebypersonalcheck,soIwasneveronthebooksathiscompany,andheneverreportedmysalarytotheIRS.SinceIwasn’tonthebooks,Isawnoreasontopaytaxesonmyearnings.ButtheverymomentthatImademoneywithGunsafewyearslater,theIRScamecalling,demandingallofthosebacktaxes,plusinterest.Istillcan’tbelievethatofallthethingsI’vedone,thegovernmentnailedmeformyjobataclockfactory.Ifoundoutlaterhowitwentdown:theIRSauditedLarryandgrilledhimaboutacertainamountofmoneythatcouldn’tbeaccountedforoverthecourseofafewyearssohewasforcedtoconfessthatithadbeenpaidouttohisemployee,me.TheIRStrackedmedownandputalienonmyearnings,accounts,andassets:anymoneythatIdepositedinabankwouldimmediatelybeseizedtocovermytaxdebt.Atthatpoint,IhadbeenbrokefortoolongtogiveitalluponceI’dfinallygottenit:ratherthanpayitoffwithmyshareofGuns’firstadvancecheck,Ihadmycutconsolidatedintotraveler’schecks,whichIkeptonmeatalltimes.Butwe’llgettoallthatinjustalittlebit.

AnotherjobwasattheHollywoodMusicStore,aninstrumentandsheetmusicshoponFairfaxandMelrose.AsmuchasIwastryingtoearnmykeepwhilepursuingwhatIreallywantedtobedoing,thereweresomanywhat-the-fuckmoments.Here’soneofthem:therewasaguywhousedtocomeinandshredeverydayintheguitarsection.He’dpicka“new”guitaroffthewall,asif

shredeverydayintheguitarsection.He’dpicka“new”guitaroffthewall,asifhe’dneverseenitbefore,andproceedtoplayitforhours.He’dtuneit,shredonit,andjustkindofhangoutandplayforwhatseemedlikeyears.I’msurethere’soneineverymusicstore.

WHENISTARTEDJUNIORHIGH,THEREweresomanygreathardrockrecordsformetolistentoandlearnfrom:CheapTrick,VanHalen,TedNugent,AC/DC,Aerosmith,andQueenwereallintheirprime.Unlikealotofmyguitar-playingpeersIneverstrovetoimitateEddieVanHalen.Hewasthemarqueeleadplayeraround,soeveryonetriedtoplaylikehedid,butnobodyhadhisfeel—andtheydidn’tseemtorealizethat.Hissoundwassopersonal,Icouldn’timaginecomingclose,ortryingorevenwantingto.IpickedupafewofEddie’sblueslicksfromlisteningtohim,licksthatnooneregistersashissignaturestylebecauseIdon’tthinkhe’severproperlyappreciatedforhisgreatsenseofrhythmandmelody.Sowhileeveryoneelsepraticedtheirhammer-onsandlistenedto“Eruption,”IjustlistenedtoVanHalen.I’vealwaysenjoyedindividualisticguitarplayers,fromStevieRayVaughntoJeffBecktoJonhnyWintertoAlbertKing,andwhileI’velearnedfromobservingtheirtechnique,absorbingthepassionoftheirplayinghastaughtmesomuchmore.

Inanycase,thingshadchangedbythetimeIgottohighschool.By1980,EnglishpunkhadfounditswaytoL.A.andhadbecomesomethingutterlyridiculousthathadnothingtodowithitsroots.Itwasaswift,impossible-to-ignorefashionstatement:suddenlyeveryolderkidIknewwaswearingtorn-upshirts,creepers,andwalletchainsmadeofpaperclipsorsafetypins.Ineverunderstoodwhatthebigdealwas;itwasjustanothersuperficialinstallmentintheWestHollywoodscenethatrevolvedaroundtheRainbow,theWhisky,ClubLingere,andtheStarwood.

IneverconsideredL.A.punkworthlisteningto,becauseIdidn’tconsideritreal.AroundthentheGermswerethebigband,andtheyhadmanyimitators,allofwhomIthoughtcouldn’tplayandtotallysucked.TheonlybandsthatIthoughtwereworthanythingwereXandFear—andthatwasit.Irespectedthefactthatthecoreofpunk,fromamusician’spointofview,wasaboutnotbeingabletoplayverywell,andnotgivingashitaboutit.ButIhadaproblemwiththefactthateveryoneinthesceneexploitedthataestheticforallthewrongreasons—there’sadifferencebetweenbadplayinganddeliberatelyplayingbadlyforareason.

Slashdoingwhathedoesbest:playingconstantly.

ComingoutofLondonandNewYork,punkrockmadeanimpression,andasmuchasitwasmisinterpretedinL.A.,itdidgivebirthtoabunchofgreatclubs,theCafédeGrandbeingthebestofthem.Thatwasthegreatestvenueatwhichtoseetruehardcorepunkshows,butitwasn’ttheonlyone—thePalladiumputongreathardcoreshows,too.IsawtheRamonesthere,andI’llneverforgetit—itwasasintenseassurfingbigwaves.Otherthanafewexceptions,L.A.punkwasaspatheticasthemilesofposeurslinedupoutsideoftheStarwoodeveryweekend.

Atthattime,IhadfinallygottentoanagewhereIwastheolderkid.Ihadspentmyliferunningaroundbeingtheyoungerguyhangingwiththeolderkids,gettingintowhattheywereinto,alwayswantingtobeapartofthecoolstufftheyweredoing.NowIwasthatkid,andasfarasIwasconcerned,thepunkmovementandthisreallyhorriblefashionthingthathadfolloweditinthebackdoorhadruinedeverything.Ihadjustgottenoldenoughtoappreciateandenjoyallthestuffthathadgoneonbeforethat,andjustasIhadeverythingstartedtofuckingsuck.

FromthetimeIwasbornupuntil1980,everythingwasprettystable.Itwasallsortofbasedonrockandroll,despitetheprettywatered-downrockbandsthatcameout:Foghat,Styx,Journey,REOSpeedwagon,andmanymore.From

thatcameout:Foghat,Styx,Journey,REOSpeedwagon,andmanymore.From’79and’80on,withtheexceptionofVanHalen,everythingwentinadifferentdirection,whichinstilledawholedifferentkindofrebellion,andwhatIwasintomoreorlessgotphasedoutbytrendiness.

Iwantedtoplayguitarinabandthatinspiredthatdegreeofdevotionandexcitement.

AFTERIWASEXPELLEDFROMFAIRFAXHighforthatsocialstudiesincidentIfoundmyselfinhighschoollimbo.Educationhasalwaysbeenapriorityformymother;sheletmelivewhereverIcould,howeverIwanted,allsummerlong,aslongasIagreedtomoveinwithher,wherevershemightbe,comefall.SheneededrealassurancethatIwasgoingtoschoolsonothingbutmylivingunderherroofwoulddo.Thesummeraftermyexpulsion,IenrolledforsummerschoolatHollywoodHightotrytoearnthecreditsIneededtojoinBeverlyHillsUnifiedHighSchoolwiththerestoftheclassatthebeginningofmysophomoreyear.ButIalsotriedtogetoutofhighschoolaltogetherbystudyingforandtakingtheproficiencyexam.Itdidn’tgosowell:duringthefirsthalfhourItookasmokebreakandneverwentback.

Duringthisperiod,mymomfinallyleftherboyfriend,“Boyfriend”thephotographer.OnceBoyfriendbegantofreebaseaway,literally,everythinginthehouse(heeventuallyendedupbankrupt),mymomandmybrotherpackedupandmovedoutsuddenly.Iwasn’tspendingmuchtimeathomeatthetime,soIdidn’twitnessitallgodownfirsthand.ButwhenIheard,Iwasrelieved.

Mymom,brother,andgrandmothermovedintoanapartmenttogetheronWilshireandLaCienegaand,perMom’srules,Ijoinedthemthereinthefall.MomwantedmetograduatehighschoolbeforeIsetoutonwhateverpathIchosetofollow,butIhadn’tlefthermuchtoworkwith.Mygrades,attendance,andbehaviorrecordwerelessthanstellar,soshedidherbest:shegotmeenrolledasacontinuationstudentatBeverlyHillsHigh.

Continuationiswheretheyputkidswith“adjustment”problems:learningdisorders,behaviorissues,andthosewhodon’totherwisesyncwiththestandardcurriculum.WhereasatFairfaxIthoughtthiswasasituationtoavoid,hereitwasperfectforme;Iwasallowedtoworkatmyownpace,andIcouldsetmyhourstosuitmynewplaceintheworkforce.I’darriveateightandleaveatnoonbecauseIhadtwojobsatthetime;asidefromtheFairfaxmovietheater,thefallwashighseasonattheclockfactory.

washighseasonattheclockfactory.

MyclassmatesinContinuationEducationatBeverlyHillsHighwerearealcastofcharacters.Therewereacoupleoffull-onHarley-Davidsonbikerchicks,onethatwasabehemoth,whoseheavy-set,fortysomething,Hell’sAngelsboyfriendpickedherupeveryday.He’darriveearlyandjustsitthererevvinghisengine;theotherchickhadherownHarley.TherewerealsothreeSunsetStriprockerchicksinclass;theirAquaNethairextendedineverydirectionandtheirripped-upT-shirtsandspikedstilettoheelsspokeforthemselves.Allthreewereattractiveintheirownway…theyknewhowtouselipstickandeyeshadow,putitthatway.Iknewthisothergirlinclass:hernamewasDesiree,thedaughterofoneofmydad’sfriends,NormanSeiff,awell-knownrockphotographer.Wewereplaymateswhenwewerelittleandweusedtoplaynaughtywitheachotherbackthen.IhadacrushonherallthoseyearsagoandIhadsomanymorereasonstohaveacrushonherwhenIsawheragain:shesatarowinfrontofmeandworenothingbutloosesleevelessshirtsandnobra.Shehadgrownintoahotbuxompunkrocker,whowasstillascutetomeasshehadbeenwhenwewereseven.

Therewasotherriffraffinthatclassaswell;wewereadiverseandoutlandishenoughgroupthatwecouldhavebeencollectiblefigurines:therewasthesurfer-stonerJeffSpicoliguy,thehotteenagemom-slut,theplumpbroodingGoth,thesadIndiankidwhoworkedthenightshiftathisparents’7-Eleven;allofusbarelyclingingtothefringeofhighschoolsociety.Lookingback,I’dliketoknowhoweverypersonintheclassroomendedupthere,attheotherwiseritzyBeverlyHillsHigh,noless.Weweresequesteredtogetherforthebenefitofour“progressive”educationinoneclassroomwithonecoedbathroomthatdoubledasourcommunitysmokinglounge.ThatiswhereIdiscoveredwhythosethreeSunsetStriprockerchickslookedliketheydid:theyweretheunofficialpresidentsoftheMötleyCrüefanclub.TheydidfreePRaswell:theyturnedmeontoMötleyduringthefirstsmokebreakIsharedwiththem.

IhadknownaboutNikkiSixx,thebassistandcreatorofMötleyCrüe,sincehisfirstband,London,becauseStevenandIsawthemplaytheStarwoodonenightwhenwemanagedtosneakin.Londonhadtruestagepresence;combinedwiththeirlow-budgetpyrotechnicsandKiss-esqueclothes,theywerebandenoughtoblowanyteenagemind.IhadnoideathatNikkihadmetTommyandthattheyhadfoundtheotherguysandevolvedintoMötleyCrüe;neitherdidIknowthattheywerespearheadingamovementthatwoulddisplaceL.A.punkovernight.Mötleydidn’tlooklikeQuietRiot,Y&T,oranyotherSunsetStrip

bandoftheday:theywereasequallyoverthetopbuttheyweren’tquitelikeanyoneelse.Theyweresointotheirownthingthattherewasnowaythatanyone,asidefrommeIsuppose,couldhavemistakenthesethreegirlsforanythingotherthanMötleyCrüefans.

Therearemomentsinlifethatonlytimecanproperlyframe;atbestyouknowthesnapshotisspecialwhenyoutakeit,butmostofthetimeonlydistanceandperspectiveproveyouright.IhadoneofthosemomentsjustbeforeIditchededucationaltogether:itwasthedayNikkiSixxandTommyLeeshowedupoutsideofmyschool.SixyearslaterI’dbedoinglineswiththemofftheflip-downmealtraysontheirprivatejet,butseeingthemloiteringoutsideBeverlyHillsHighismorememorabletome.Theywerewearinghigh-heeledboots,stretchpants,teasedouthair,andmakeup;theyweresmokingcigarettes;talkingtogirlsinmyhighschoolparkinglot.Itwassortofsurreal.Iwatchedmynewfoundcontinuationfriends,thosethreeMötleylook-alikechicks,stareatthetwoofthemwithglazeddoughnuteyesasTommyandNikkinonchalantlyhandedthemposterstohangandflyerstohandoutontheStripannouncingMötley’snextshow.Iwasinawe:notonlydidthesechicksfindthisbandsoexcitingthattheychosetodresslikethem,theywerealsowillingtobetheirvolunteerstreetteam.NikkihadgiventhemcopiesoftheirnewEP,TooFastforLove,andtheirjobwastoconvertalltheirfriendsintoMötleyCrüefans.ItwaslikeseeingDraculasethisdiscipleslooseonBeverlyHillstosuckthebloodofvirgins.

Iwasimpressedandobjectivelyenvious:IcouldneverbeinabandthatlookedorsoundedlikeMötleyCrüe,butIwantedwhattheyhad.Iwantedtoplayguitarinabandthatinspiredthatdegreeofdevotionandexcitement.IwenttoseeMötleythatweekendattheWhisky…musically,itwasjustokay,butasaconcertitwaseffective.Itwasmemorablebecauseofthefull-onproduction:VincelitNikki’sthigh-highbootsonfireandtheysetoffatonofminiflashpots.Tommypoundedawaylikehewantedtosplithisdrumsetintwo,whileMickMarsshuffledaroundhissideofthestage,hunchedoverlikethewalkingdead.Whataffectedmethemost,though,wastheaudience:theyweresodie-hardthattheysangeverysongandrockedoutasifthebandwereheadliningtheL.A.Forum.Itwasobvioustomeatleast,thatsoon,Mötleywouldbedoingjustthat.Andinmymind,thatmeantonlyonething:Iftheycandoitontheirownterms,whythefuckcan’tI?

5

LeastLikelytoSucceed

Onceyou’velivedalittleyouwillfindthatwhateveryousendoutintotheworldcomesbacktoyouonewayoranother.Itmaybetoday,tomorrow,oryearsfromnow,butithappens;usuallywhenyouleastexpectit,usuallyinaformthat’sprettydifferentfromtheoriginal.Thosecoincidentalmomentsthatchangeyourlifeseemrandomatthetime,butIdon’tthinktheyare.Atleastthat’showit’sworkedoutinmylife.AndIknowI’mnottheonlyone.

Ihadn’tseenMarcCanterinaboutayear,fornootherreasonthanthatwe’deachbeenbusydoingotherthings.Intheinterim,he’dundergoneametamorphosis:whenI’dseenhimlast,hewasamusicfanandwasjustbeginningtotakeonaroleinrunningthefamilybusinessatCanter’sDeli.Hewasbynomeansatotal“rockguy”—thatwasmoremyangle,ifbroadstrokesweredrawn.Whenwereconnected,Marcwassomeoneelseentirely:hewasasterlingspecimenoftheobsessed,die-hardrockdevotee.Iwouldn’thavecalleditinamillionyears,buthe’ddedicatedhisentirelifetoAerosmith.He’dtransformedhisroomintoawall-to-wallshrine:hisAerosmithposterswereacontinuouscollagethatlookedlikewallpaper,hehadcatalogedcopiesofeverymagazinethatthey’deverappearedin,hemaintainedanorderlygallery,inplasticsleeves,ofsignedphotographs,andhehadamassedenoughrareforeignvinylandbootlegconcertcassettestoopenarecordstore.

Marcdefinitelydidn’tdressthepart;helookedlikenomorethanarockfan

Marcdefinitelydidn’tdressthepart;helookedlikenomorethanarockfanwithatasteforAerosmithT-shirts,becauseheneverlethisfandomgosofarastoinspiresartorialhomagetoStevenorJoe.Itdid,however,inspirestalking,stealing,trespassing,andafewothermildlyillegalpursuitsinthenameofthecause.Marchadalsogottenhimselfinwiththelocalticket-scalpingcommunitysomehow:he’dbuyaloadofticketsforashow,thentradeamongthescalpersuntilhehadbarteredhiswayuptotheperfectpairoffloorseats.Itwasallabiggametohim;hewaslikeakidtradingbaseballcards,butcomeshowtime,hewasthekidwhowalkedawaywiththerarestcardsupforgrabs.

OnceMarchadhisseatssortedout,hislittleoperationwasjustgettinggoing.He’dsneakinaverynice,professional-gradecameraandacollectionoflensesbytakingthewholeapparatusapartandstashingtheindividualpiecesinhispants,thearmsofhisjacket,andwhereverelsetheyfit.Henevergotcaught;andhejustcaughtamazingliveshotsofAerosmith.TheonlyproblemwasthathegotintoAerosmithalittletoolate:whenhestartedreallydiggingthemtheybrokeup.

AcornerstoneofMarc’scollectionofAerosmithmemorabiliawasanemptybagofDoritosandasmallZiplocbagfullofcigarettebuttsthathe’dsnatchedfromJoePerry’shotelroomattheSunsetMarquis.Apparentlyhe’dstakedtheplaceoutandmanagedtogetinthereafterJoecheckedoutandbeforehousekeepingshowedup.Joehadn’tevenplayedashoworanythingthenightbefore—atthatpoint,hehadquitthebandactually.Ithoughtitwasalittleweird,Aerosmithwasn’teventogether,butMarcwaslivingforthem24/7.Marchasbeenoneofmybestfriendsinlifesincethedaywemet,soIhadtosupporthimbycontributingtohiscollection:IdidafreehandsketchofAerosmithonstageforhisbirthday.Ididitinpencilandthenshadowedandhighlighteditwithcoloredpensanditcameoutprettygood.

Thatpicturetaughtmealessonthat’sbeenstatedbythewiseandotherwisethroughouthistory:whateveryouputoutintotheworldcomesbacktoyouonewayoranother.Inthisinstance,thatpicturecamebacktomeliterallyandbroughtwithitjustwhatI’dbeenlookingfor.

ThenexttimeIsawthedrawingIwasatanimpasse:Ihadbeenstrugglingunsuccessfullytogetabandtogetheramidamusicscenethatdidn’tspeaktomeatall.IwantedthespoilsthatIwatchedlesserplayersenjoy,butifthatmeantchangingasmuchasI’dhaveto,Iwasn’thavingthat—ItriedbutIfoundthatIwasincapableoftoomuchcompromise.Iwon’tlienowthatretrospectisonmysideandclaimthatdeepdownIknewitwouldallcometogetherfine.Itdidn’t

sideandclaimthatdeepdownIknewitwouldallcometogetherfine.Itdidn’tlooklikeitwasgoingthatwayatall,butitdidn’tkeepmefromdoingtheonlythingIcoulddo:Ididwhatfeltright,andsomehow,Igotlucky.Ifoundfourotherdysfunctionallike-mindedsouls.

IwasworkingintheHollywoodMusicStorethedayaslinkyguydressedlikeJohnnyThunderscameuptome.Hewaswearingtightblackjeans,creepers,dyedblackhair,andpinksocks.HehadacopyofmyAerosmithdrawinginhishandthatamutualfriendhadgivenhim:apparentlyprintsofithadbeenmadeandcirculated.Thisguyhadbeeninspiredenoughtoseekmeout,especiallywhenheheardthatIwasaleadguitarplayer.

“Hey,man,areyoutheguywhodrewthis?”heaskedabitimpatiently.“Idigit.It’sfuckin’cool.”

“Yeah,Idid,”Isaid.“Thanks.”

“What’syourname?”

“I’mSlash.”

“Hey.I’mIzzyStradlin.”

Wedidn’ttalkforlong;Izzyhasalwaysbeenthekindofguywithsomewhereelsethatheneededtobe.Butwemadeaplantohangoutlateron,andwhenhecamebymyhousethatnight,hebroughtmeatapeofhisband.Itcouldn’thavesoundedworse:thetapewasthecheapesttypearound,andtheirrehearsalhadbeenrecordedthroughthebuilt-inmikeinaboomboxthathadbeenplacedonthefloor.Itsoundedliketheywereplayingdeepinsideajetengine.Butthroughthestaticdin,wayinthebackground,Iheardsomethingintriguing,thatIbelievedtobetheirsinger’svoice.Itwashardtomakeoutandhissquealwassohigh-pitchedthatIthoughtitmightbeatechnicalflawinthetape.Itsoundedlikethesqueakthatacassettemakesjustbeforethetapesnaps—exceptitwasinkey.

AFTERMYINCOMPLETESTINTATHIGHschool,IlivedwithmymotherandgrandmotherinahouseonMelroseandLaCienegainasmallbasementroomoffthegarage.Itwasperfectforme;ifneedbe,Icouldslipoutofthestreet-

levelwindowundetectedatanytimeofdayornight.Ihadmysnakesandmycatsdownthere;IcouldalsoplayguitarwheneverIlikedwithoutbotheringanyone.AssoonasIdroppedoutofschool,Iagreedtopaymymotherrent.

AsImentioned,IheldseveraldayjobswhiletryingtoputtogetherorgetintoabandthatIbelievedinamidthequagmireoftheL.A.metalscene.Aroundthistime,IworkedforawhileatCanter’sDeliinajobthatMarcbasicallyinventedforme.Iworkedaloneupstairsinthebanquetroom,whichwasn’tsuitedforabanquetatall—itwasmoreorlesswheretheystoredallkindsofshitthattheydidn’tnecessarilyneed.Ididn’trealizethehumorinthatbackthen.

Myjobinvolvedcomparingthewaitstaff’scheckswiththecorrespondingcashier’sreceiptssothatMarccouldquicklyandeasilyfigureoutwhowasstealing.Itwassoeasy;ajobthatthebiggestidiotcoulddo.Anditcamewithperks:I’deatpastramisandwichesanddrinkCokesthewholetime,whileputtingthosepapersintwopiles,basically.Myjobdidhaveitsplace:throughmysorting,Marccaughtmorethanafewstafferswhohadprobablybeenrobbinghisfamilyforyears.

AfterIleft,MarcwilledmyjobtoRonSchneider,mybassplayerinTidusSloan.Ourbandstillplayedtogethersometimes,butweweren’ttakingthingstothenextlevelinanyway—withoutasinger,weweren’tgoingtoevergigontheStrip.

MyjobattheHollywoodMusicStorewasoneofafewthatIsawasstepping-stonestoplayingguitarprofessionally,full-time;Iwasn’tinitforthefameandgirls,Iwanteditforamuchsimplerreason:therewasn’tanythingelseintheworldthatIenjoyedmore.AtthemusicstoreIwasasalesclerkwhosold—andplayed—everyguitaronthefloor,butthatwasbynomeansmyonlyareaofexpertise.IalsosoldallkindsofshitthatIknewabsolutelynothingabout.Icouldfakemywaythroughexplainingtheinsandoutsofbassamps,butwhenitcametodrumsets,drumheads,drumsticks,andthewidearrayofpercussioninstrumentsIsold,I’mstillimpressedbymyabilitytoputashineonapileofbullshit.

Ilikedmyjobinthemusicstore,butitwasavoyeuristicpurgatory.I’dspendeveryidlemomentstaringthroughthefrontwindowsatCherokeeStudiosacrossthestreet.Cherokeewasabitofarecordingdestinationintheearlyeighties:notthatIwasahugeadmirer,buteverytimeI’dseetheDoobieBrothersrollintheretocutasong,Ican’tsaythatIwasn’ttotallyfucking

Brothersrollintheretocutasong,Ican’tsaythatIwasn’ttotallyfuckingenvious.Iwas,however,totallyfuckingstarstruckthedaythatIhappenedtogazeoutthewindowtoseeRicOcasekwalkingdownthestreet,headingtoCherokee.

AroundthistimeStevenAdlerreturnedfromhisexileintheValleyandwepickeduppreciselywhereweleftoff.Eachofushadgirlsinourlivesandthefourofusbecameaninseparableunit.MygirlfriendYvonnewasaseniorinhighschoolwhenwemet;shewasadisciplinedstudentbydayandarockchickbynight,andshemanagedthosedualidentitiesverywell.Yvonnewasanamazinggirl:shewasverysmart,verysexy,veryoutspoken,andveryambitious—todaysheisahigh-poweredlawyerinL.A.Aftershegraduated,sheenrolledasapsychologymajoratUCLA,andsincebythatpointIhadbeguntomoreorlesslivewithher,onmydaysoffshe’dsomehowtalkmeintoaccompanyinghertoschoolatsomethinglikeeighta.m.I’dspendthemorningattheUCLAcampus,sittingoutside,smokingcigarettes,andwatchingtheyuppiesgoby.Somedays,wheneverIfoundthecourseorprofessorinteresting,I’dsitinonherlargerlectureclasses.

Idon’tevenrememberhernameanymore,butSteven’sgirlatthetimeandYvonnebecamefastfriendsbecausethefourofuswentouteverysinglenight.Ididn’tevenwanttomostofthetime,buttherewewere,outtherehittingtheStrip—andIdidn’tevenlikethemusicofthedayatall,thoughItriedtobepositive.Thecoupdegrâcecamewhenaveryhyped,overrated“innovation”knownasMTVfirstaired.IexpectedittobelikeDonKirshner’sRockConcert,thelive,hour-longprogramthatranonSaturdaynightsfrom1973to1981.ThatshowspotlightedanartistaweekandairedamazingperformancesbyeveryonefromtheStonestotheEaglestotheSexPistolstoSlyandtheFamilyStonetocomedianslikeSteveMartin.

MTVcouldn’thavebeenmoreofapolaropposite:theyshowedThomasDolby’s“SheBlindedMewithScience,”thePolice,andPatBenataroverandover.Iwouldliterallywaitforhourstoseeagoodsong;andusuallyitwouldbeeitherPrinceorVanHalen.IfeltthesamewaywhenIexploredSunsetatnight:Isawalot,Ilikedverylittle,andIwasfuckingboredtheentiretime.

Steven,ontheotherhand,wasinhiselement.HewasallaboutwhatwasgoingdownontheStrip,becauseitwashischancetorealizehisrock-stardreams.He’dneverexhibitedsuchambitionbefore:hedidwhateverittooktogetintoaclub,tomeetpeople,tomakeconnections,andbeinthemixtowhateverdegreepossible.StevenpostedupintheRainbowparkinglotevery

whateverdegreepossible.StevenpostedupintheRainbowparkingloteveryFridayandSaturdaynight,andhekepttabsoneverybandthateverplayedasoftenashedideverythingbutgivehisballstogethimselfinside.

Irarelycaredtogoalong,becauseIcouldneverdowhatmostoftenneededtobedone:Iwasincapableofhumiliatingmyselftogothatextramile.Idon’tknowwhybutIhadaproblemhangingaroundparkinglotsandstagedoors,lookingforanywayinthatmightpresentitself.AsaresultIwassoinfrequentlypresentthatSteven’snever-endingmorning-aftertalesofincrediblebandsandhotchickseventuallygottome.ButIneversawanyofthosemythicalcreatureswhenIdecidedtoaccompanyhim(againstmybetterjudgment).Iwitnessednothingbutastringofeveningsthatneverachievedepicstatus.

Ithoughttomyselfjusthowharditmustbetobeagirl.

OnenightthatstandsoutstartedwithStevenandmeborrowingmymom’scar(Iwasseventeenatthetime,Ibelieve)togotheRainbowtomixitup.

WedrovedowntoHollywoodandwalkeduptotheclub,anddiscoveredthatitwasladies’night.

“That’sfuckin’awesome!”Stevenshouted.

IhadgottenintotheRainbowforyears,thankstomyfakeIDandSteady,theclub’sbouncer.He’sstillthere,andhestillrecognizesme.Forwhateverreason,though,Steadywasn’thavingitonthisparticularnight:heletSteveninandsentmepacking.

“Naw,notyou,”hesaid.“Nottonight,gohome.”

“What?”Iasked.IhadnorighttobeindignantbutIwasanyway.“Whatdoyoumean?I’mhereallthetime,man.”

“Yeah,Idon’tgiveashit,”hesaid.“Getoutofhere,you’renotcomingintonight.”

Iwassofuckingpissedoff.Ihadnowhereelsetogo,soIfollowedSteady’sordersandwenthome.Idrownedmyembarrassmentinalcohol,andonceIwasgoodanddrunk,IcameupwiththecrazyideatoreturntotheRainbowdressedasagirl.Itmadecompletesenseinthatspecialwaythatdrunkenplansdo:I’dshowSteady—I’dgetintheclubforfreethankstoladies’night,andthenI’d

showSteady—I’dgetintheclubforfreethankstoladies’night,andthenI’dfuckwithSteven.Adlerhitoneverygirlinsight,soIwassurethathe’dhitonmelongbeforeherealizedwhoIwas.

Mymomthoughtmyplanwashilarious:sheoutfittedmewithaskirtandfishnets,piledmyhairupunderablackberet,anddidmymakeup.Icouldn’twearhershoes,buttheoutfitworked—Ilookedlikeachick…no—

IlookedlikeaRainbowchick.IdrovebackuptoWestHollywoodinmyoutfit;IparkedafewblocksawayonDohenyandwalkedtotheclub.Iwasbothdrunkandonamission,somyinhibitionswerenonexistent.IsauntereduptoSteadyandnearlylaughedinhisfacewhenhewavedmeinwithnopauseforID.

Iwasontopoftheworld;Ihadwon—untilIrealizedthatStevenwasnowheretobefound.Itwaslikereachingtheendoftherollercoasterbeforethecarhadevengoneoverthefirsthill.Therealityofthesituationhitmesquareintheface:Iwasdressedasagirl,inthemiddleoftheRainbow.OnceIsawthelight,Ididtheonlysensiblething—Ileft.Onthelongwalkbacktomymom’scar,Ithoughtthateveryshoutwasdirectedatme,Ithoughteverylaughwasatmyexpense;Ithoughttomyselfjusthowharditmustbetobeagirl.

STEVEN’SGIRLFRIENDRANINTOTOMMYLeeoutonthetownonenightandTommyinvitedherdowntoCherokeeStudiostohangoutandwatchMötleyrecordTheatreofPain,thefollow-uptotheirbreakthroughalbum,ShoutattheDevil.Steve’sgirlthoughtnothingofinvitingYvonne,Steven,andme;IguessshefiguredthatTommy’sinvitationincludeda“plusthree.”StevenandIshouldhaveknownbetter.Thefourofusheadeddownthere,allreadytohangoutandwatchtheproceedings;whenwearrived,wewereinformed,innouncertainterms,thatthegirlscouldgoinside—whichtheydid—butStevenandIcouldnot.Itwassuggestedthatwegohome.Wewerefuming:wewatchedourgirlfriendsheadintothestudio,andspentthenightinthetwoloungechairsinthelobbytryingtobecoolwhilewediscussedwhattheymightbedoinginthere.Itwasnotagoodscene.

I’mnotsurehow,butsomehowthatexperiencedidn’tscarmeenoughtodesertthenotionofgettingajobatCherokee.Ihadbeenpesteringthestudio’sdaymanagertohiremeforanentireyear.I’dstopbydaily,likeclockwork,duringmylunchbreakatHollywoodMusicacrossthestreet.Icontinuedtodo

so,businessasusual,butafewweekslaterhefinallygaveinandofferedmeajob.Inmymind,itwasamilestone;Iwasnowjustonestepawayfrombecomingaprofessionalmusician.Iwasverywrong,butmyplanwasthatonceIworkedinastudio,IwouldmakeconnectionsbecauseIwouldmeetmusiciansandproducerseverysingleday.Inmymind,astudiowastheplacetomeetotherplayerswhotookitseriouslyandbyworkingthereattheveryleastI’dgetfreerecordingtimeonceIgotabandtogether.Withthatkindofbullshitinmyhead,IquitHollywoodMusicfeelinglikeI’djustwonthelottery.

IwashiredatCherokeetobeagofertotheengineers,nomorenoless.Ididn’tcare;Ishoweduptomyfirstday,readytorunerrands,takeoutthetrash,whatever,whenever.OrsoIthought:IvisiblywiltedwhenIdiscoveredthatmyjobfortheweekwastofetchwhateverMötleyCrüemightneed,dayornight.Justoveraweekbefore,thesesameguyshadrefusedtoletmeintothestudioandmighthavehadmygirlfriend(Ibelievedherwhenshesaidnothinghappened,butstill…),andnowIwouldhavetospendthenextfewweeksastheirerrandboy.Great…

ThestudiomanagergavemeonehundredbuckstofillMötley’sfirstorder,whichIwassurewasjustthefirstofmany:amagnumofJackDaniel’s,amagnumofvodka,afewbagsofchips,andacoupleofcartonsofcigarettes.IlookeddownatthemoneyasIwalkedoutsideintothesunlight,debatingtheprosandconsofswallowingmypride.Itwasareallyniceday.IstoppedwhenIgottotheliquorstoretothinkaboutthisforaminute.

Isquintedupatthesky;Istaredatthesidewalk,andthenIstartedwalkingagain—towardhome.ThatwasallshewroteforCherokeeandme:consideringhowmanyhoursI’vespentinprofessionalrecordingfacilitiesovertheyearssince,it’salmostridiculousthatI’veneveragainsetfootinCherokeeStudios.AtthispointIhavenointentionofdoingso—Iowethoseguysahundredbucks.TheonedayIdidspendtheretaughtmeaninvaluablelesson,however:Ineededtopavemyownwayintothemusicbusiness.Itdidn’tmatterthatanyidiotcouldfulfillthedutiesoffetchingforMötleyCrüe,oranyoneelseforthatmatter—thatjobwassomethingthatIrefusedtodoonprinciple.I’mgladthatIdid;itmadeitthatmucheasierwhenMötleyhiredustoopenforthemafewyearslater.

SOI’DDITCHEDHOLLYWOODMUSIC,thinkingthatmystudiojobwouldbethelastdayjobI’deverhavebeforeImadeit.Hardly.Thingsweren’tlookingtoogood

formeatthatpoint:Ihadn’tgraduatedhighschool,Iwasn’tgoingtocollege,andasfarasIknew,I’dwalkedoutontheonlyjobthatmighthavehelpedmeonmyway.

Iwasunemployedandundirectedthereforawhile,whichwasaperfectmomentformymomtogetmeintoschoolagain—anyschool.Godblessherperpetualcommitmenttogettingmeeducated.Thistimeshedidtheonlythingthatmadesense—sheknewthatIlovedmusic,sosheenrolledmeinsomeweirdvocationalmusicschool.

I’mverydisappointedinmyselfthatIcan’trememberthenameofthisplace,thoughIdorememberhowunfocusedourteacherswere.I’mnowprettysurethatmymomfoundoutaboutthisplaceviaaflyerattheLaundromat.Inanycase,Ienrolled,Ishowedup,andwithinweeksmyteachershadmeoutinthefieldlayingcablesandputtingfilters(“gels”they’recalled)overlightsatvariouslivevenues.Thisplaceeducateditsstudentsintheartsofsoundandlightengineeringforliveperformanceinaveryhands-onfashion.Therewereaboutsixofusinmyclassandalmostimmediatelywewereassistingtechson-siteatvenuesliketheCountryClub,theFMStation,andvariousothersinL.A.Actuallyitwasatotalsham:theschoolwasclearlyfundedorrunbytheproductioncompanythatputontheseshows,sowe,thestudents,werenotonlyworkingforthemforfree,theyhadalsotakenourtuitionmoney.Shadyasitwas,Ididlearntorunlightandsoundforliveconcerts.Ienjoyedit,too,untilthenightIdidthelightshowforagroupofDuranDuranwannabescalledBangBang.IrealizedtwothingsasIwatchedtheirset:1)itwasn’tpossibleforamusicperformancetobemoreridiculous,and2)thissound-and-lightgigwastakingmenowherefast.

IWASDESPERATETOBEINABAND;SOIcombedtheadsinTheRecycler—L.A.’sfreemusicians’paper—everyweek,lookingforaninvitationtosomethingthatappealedtome.Forthemostpartitwasfutile:theadswerenothingbutshreddersseekingshredders.Butoneweek,Isawanadthatintriguedme:itwasasingerandguitaristlookingforafellowguitaristintheveinofAerosmithandHanoiRocks.Andmoreimportant,itexpresslystatedthat“nobeardsormustaches”needapply.

IcalledthenumberintheadandmadearrangementstomeetthematthisguesthousethattheywererentingonsomestreetupinLaurelCanyon.Ishowed

uptherewithagirlthatIwasdatingandrecognizedIzzyimmediatelyfromthedayhecameintothemusicstorewithmyAerosmithdrawing.Ithenrealizedthattheotherguymustbethathigh-pitchedsingerI’dheardonthetape.Ithought,Cool,thismightactuallygosomewhere.Theirlittleshackwasmorelikeacloset:therewasroomenoughforabed,withspacetositonthefloorinfrontofit,androomenoughforaTV—whichwastheonlysourceoflightinthere.

ItalkedtoIzzyforawhile,butAxlnevergotoffthephone,thoughhenoddedhisheadinacknowledgmentwhenIcameintotheroom.AtthetimeIthoughtitwasrude,butnowthatIknowhimIunderstandthatwasn’tthecase.WhenAxlgetsintoaconversation,there’snostoppinghim.InGuns,weusedtocallitaTwainWreck:whenAxlstartedtellingastory,hewasaslong-windedasMarkTwain.Thatfirstmeeting,though,wasprettyuneventful:eitherthey’ddecidedthattheywerenolongerinterestedinasecondguitarplayerorIjustdidn’tlookthepart.Whatevertheproblemwas,itwentnowhereatall.

THEMINUTESTEVENGOTBACKTOHOLLYWOOD,heproudlyinformedmethathe’dlearnedtoplaydrumsathismom’shouseoutthereintheValley,whichIamsurecontributedtohisbeingkickedoutagain.Stevenwasreadytostartourband,eventhoughatthetimeIwasstillhalfheartedlyplayingwithTidusSloanandansweringtheoddadinthepaperlookingforaguitarplayer.Ididn’ttakehimseriously;tomeStevewasmysocialdirector—andabitofanuisance:hestartedcomingtoTidusSloanrehearsals,andeverychancehegot,heinsistedthathewasabetterdrummerthanAdamGreenberg.WhenIeventuallyfoundmyselfwithoutaband,StevehadannoyedmesomuchthatIwasn’tevenwillingtowatchhimplay,letaloneplaywithhim.

Steve’sgrandmotherhadgivenhimheroldblueGremlin;acarthatlooksexactlylikeitsounds—stoutandboxy.Apparently,everyday,sincehecouldn’tpracticeinhisgrandmother’shouse,he’dbeenloadinghisdrumkitintothisthinganddrivingouttothepublicparkonPicoacrossthestreetfromTwentiethCentury-Foxstudiosthatincludesaswimmingpoolandagolfcourse.Iknewitwell;IusedtoplaysoccertherewhenIwasnine.Asweirdasitwas,Stevenwouldsetuphisdrumsnexttoasectionofthewalkingpathandjustpracticeallafternoonandevening.I’msuretheseniors,joggers,ducks,anddogwalkerswerehappyaboutit;ablondrockkidwithteased-outhairplayingafull-size

double-bass-drummetalkitashardashecanisboundtobeacrowdpleaserinanysetting.

Ieventuallyagreedtocheckhimout,thoughIcontinuedtowonderwhatthehellIwasthinkingasIdroveouttomeethim.ItwascompletelydarkwhenIgotthere.Iparkednexttohiscarandwanderedouttothejoggingpathandtherehewas,drummingawayinthedark.Hewasback-litbythedistantfloodlights,whilethehugeexpanseoftheparkandthegolfcourseloomedbehindhim.Itwasaveryweirdscene.ItookthatinforawhilebeforeIevenpaidattentiontohisplaying.ButonceIdid,Iforgotaboutthebackdrop.Sittingthereinthedark,watchingStevenplay,Iwasn’tconvincedofhisabilities,butIwassatisfied.Besides,Ididn’thaveabetteroptionopentomeanyway.

STEVENANDIWEREINASITUATIONthatwasfamiliarandunwelcome—wewerelookingforasinger,andthistime,abassplayeraswell.Stevenwasanassetinthatregard,becauseheknewalltheplayers:hewasoutsomuchthathehadseennearlyeverybandtherewastoseeintheL.A.rocksceneatthetime.Stevenwasalsouponthegossip:onceMötleyCrüetookoff,SteveheardthatLizzyGrey,NikkiSixx’scofounderinLondon,intendedtoputthatbandbacktogether.Thatwashuge—StevenandIhadseenLondonwhenwewereyoungerandtheyblewourminds.IzzyStradlinwasinthatsecondversionofLondon,butonceheleft,thingsfellapartabitandtherewasavacancyforaguitarplayerandadrummer.SteveandIauditionedforthematthespacewherethelegendaryfunkbandWarusedtorehearseandrecordonSunset,downthestreetfromDenny’s.Bythistimethatspotwasnothingbutabombed-outhovel;todayit’swhereGuitarCenterHollywoodis,bytheway.

SowerehearsedtherewithLondonforfourdays;welearnedatonoftheirsongs,andeventhoughitwasastepupfromnowhere,nothingevercameofit.Ifanything,theexperiencewasinterestingbecauseIsawfirsthandjusthowpompousthosewhobelievethemselvestoberockstarscanbe.TheguysinLondonbehavedliketheywerelarger-than-life,asifStevenandmeandeveryoneelseintheworldexistedontheothersideofaninvisiblefence.IttookmebacktomychildhoodandalloftherockstarsthatI’dmetbackthenthroughmyparents.Growinguparoundmymomanddad’sclientsandfriends,I’dseenitallandhadlearnedhowtoactandhownottoact.I’dseenrealrockstarsthrowtempertantrumsandwatchedmymomdealwiththem.I’dlearnedthroughobservationjusthowdelicatelytotreatthosepersonalitytypes.

throughobservationjusthowdelicatelytotreatthosepersonalitytypes.

AtthetimeIthoughttheguysinLondonwereworldlyandIwasintimidatedandimpressed.Notsomuchnow.Isawtheguywhowassingingforthematthattimeonthestreetinearly2007whileIwasdrivingtothestudiotorecordwithVelvetRevolver.Therehewas,cruisingdownSunsetBoulevardwearingthesamegetup,stilllookingforagig.

Afterthatfruitlessendeavor,StevenandIstruckoutonourown.Weneededabassplayerandasinger,butwefiguredwe’dgoaboutthingslogicallyandlandourselvesabassistfirstsothatwhenwebeganauditioningsingers,we’dactuallyhaveawholebandforthemtosingover.WetookoutanadinTheRecycler;itwasinthe“Seeking”section,anditwentsomethinglikethis:

BassplayerneededforbandinfluencedbyAerosmith,AliceCooper.CallSlash.

Wegotafewcalls,buttheonlyguywewantedtomeetwassomeonenamedDuff.He’djustmovedoutfromSeattleandhesoundedcoolonthephone,soItoldhimtomeetusatCanter’sDeliateightp.m.StevenandIgotacornerboothrightnearthefront;wehadourgirlswithus—mygirlfriendYvonnehadabigbottleofvodkainabrownpaperbaginherpurse.Shewastheonewhointroducedmetovodka,actually;beforeImether,Idranknothingbutwhiskey.

NooneremotelyresemblingamusiciancameintoCanter’sforalongwhileandthegirlsweredefinitelydrunkwhenDuffdidshowup.Ithinkthefourofusweredebatingwhathemightlooklikewhenthisbone-skinny,six-foot-plusguywithshortspikedblondhairrolledinwearingaSidVicious–stylechainandpadlockaroundhisneck,combatboots,andared-and-blackleathertrenchcoatinspiteoftheseventy-five-degreeweather.Noonehadpredictedthat.IkickedStevenandhushedthegirls.

“Checkitout,”Isaid.“Thishastobehim.”

Duffhadbeeninaseriesofpunk-rockbandsinSeattle:theseminalbutmostlyoverlookedoutfittheFartz,forwhomhe’dplayedguitar,thelegendarypre-grungepowerquartettheFastbacks(drums),andafewothers.JustbeforemovingdowntoL.A.,hehadtakenupbass.Duffwasasmusicallyversatileashewasdriven:hedidn’tleaveSeattlebecausehewasn’tcreativelysatisfied;heleftSeattlebecauseheknewthatthescene(atthattime,atleast)wasalosingpropositionandhewantedtomakeit.HeknewthatLosAngeleswastheWestCoastmusiccapital,sowithoutaplanandwithnofriendswaitingtotakehimin,

Coastmusiccapital,sowithoutaplanandwithnofriendswaitingtotakehimin,hepackeduphisbeat-upredChevyNovaanddrovedowntoL.A.tomakeanameforhimself.Irespectedhimimmediatelyforhisdevotion:heandIsharedasimilarworkethic.Itestablishedakinshipbetweenusrightawaythathasn’tfalteredatalloveralloftheseyears.

“Soyou’reSlash,”DuffsaidashesqueezedhimselfinbesidemeinourboothatCanter’s.“You’renotwhatIexpectedatall.”

“Ohyeah?”Isaid.“Well,whatwereyouexpecting?”

“WithanamelikeSlash,Ithoughtyou’dbemuchscarier,man,”hesaid.Stevenandthegirlsandalllaughed.“I’mnotevenkidding,Iexpectedyoutobesomekindofpunk-rockpsychopathwithanamelikethat.”

“Ohyeah?”Isaidsmirking.Wesharedalaugh.

Ifthathadn’tbrokentheice,mygirlfriendYvonnemadesuretosmashitafewminuteslater.We’dsortofsettledintosmalltalk:Duffwasgettingtoknowusandviceversa,when,aproposofnothing,YvonneleanedacrossmeandputherhandonDuff’sshoulder.

“CanIaskyouapersonalquestion?”shesaid,louderthannecessary.

“Yeah,”hesaid.“Sure.”

“Areyougay?I’mjustcurious.”

Forthefirsttimeinhoursourtablewassilent.WhatcanIsay,I’vealwaysbeenattractedtooutspokenwomen.

“No,”Duffsaid.“I’mdefinitelynotgay.”

Afterthatexchangefadedthefiveofuswentupstairs,piledintothebathroom,andbrokeoutthevodka.Andnotlongafterthat,weformedabandrightthenandthere,andonceagainspentthenextmonthorsolookingforasinger.WeauditionedRonReyes,betterknownasChavoPederast,whenhewasthefrontmanforBlackFlagforafewmonthsbackin1979.Therewereafewothercharactersinthereaswell,butasusual,wecouldn’tfindtherightguy.Allthingsconsidered,wewrotesomereallycoolmaterial:wecameupwiththemainrifftothesongthatlaterbecame“RocketQueen,”andafewmoregreat

mainrifftothesongthatlaterbecame“RocketQueen,”andafewmoregreatideas.

Despitethecreativityflowingbetweenthethreeofus,IbegantogetreallyfrustratedwithSteven.HeneverkeptupwiththededicatedworkethicthatDuffandIshared;thoughhemaintainedtwicethesocialschedule.Itwassoaggravatingtowatchhimexpendhisenergyonpartyingwhenwehadsomuchtodo.Atthetime,itwasobviousthatshouldwefindtherightsinger,wewouldreallyhaveabandthatwasworthsomething.Theproblemwas,wedidn’thaveasinger,butStevenwasbehavingasifwe’dalreadybeensignedbyamajorlabel.IntheendIwastheonewhobrokeuptheband;ItoldDuffitjustwasn’tworkingandIbrokeoffwithStevenineverywayforawhile,too.Duffwentontogreenerpastures:coincidentally,whenhe’dmovedtoLosAngeleshegotanapartmentonOrangeAvenue,directlyacrossthestreetfromIzzy.Soonenough,thosetworanintoeachotheronthestreet,andthatwasthat;DuffbecameaplayerintheL.A.Guns/HollywoodRoseuniverse.

THOSEWERETHEONLYTWOBANDSCOMINGupbehindMötleyCrüethatwereworthyofnote—L.A.GunsandHollywoodRose,eachofwhichwererevolving-dooroutfitsthatsharedanumberoflocalplayerstoanincestuousdegree.L.A.GunswasfoundedbyTraciiGuns,whohadgonetoFairfaxHighwithme—thatbandwasnothingbutatighter,harderversionofthesleazybluesshreddingheplayedatkegpartiesbackthen.

HollywoodRosewassomethingelse.ImetupwithStevenjustafterhe’dseenthem,andashedescribedtheirhigh-pitchedsinger,aguywhocouldteartheroofoff,Irealizedthatforonce,Stevenwasn’texaggerating.Ididn’tputittogetherthatI’dalreadyheardthisguy,probablybecauseI’dheardhimonwhatismostlikelytheshittiest,low-firecordingofalivebandthathadeverbeenmade.

SteveandIwenttoseeHollywoodRoseatGazarri’sanditwasthefirsttimethatIbeheld,handsdown,thebestsingerinHollywoodatthetime:W.AxlRose.Muchlikethetape,theshowwasnothingmorethananamateurgaragebanddoingtheirbest,buttheyhadanamazingsenseofrecklessabandonandunbridledenergy.Atleasttwoofthemdid:apartfromIzzyandAxl,thebandwasprettynondescript,butthosetwofriendsfromLafayette,Indiana,hadanominouspresenceaboutthem.IzzykeptdoingkneeslidesalloverthestageandAxlscreamedhisfuckingheartout—theirperformancewasblistering.Axl’s

Axlscreamedhisfuckingheartout—theirperformancewasblistering.Axl’svoicedrewmeinimmediately;itwassoversatile,andunderneathhisimpossiblyhigh-pitchedshrieking,thebluesynaturalrhythmhehadwasriveting.

AsIsaid,HollywoodRose(likeL.A.Guns)wasarevolving-doorbandwhoseplayersallknewoneanotherandwerealwayscomingorgoing.BassplayerSteveDarrowworkedwithIzzydeliveringtheL.A.Weeklyduringtheafternoon,sotheyweretight,butAxldidn’tseemtolikeguitarplayerChrisWebberforwhateverreason.AxlapparentlyupandfiredChriswithouttellinganyoneelseandsomehowStevenheardthattheywereholdingauditionsforguitarplayersthenextday.

It’sallasvagueandillogicaltomenowasitwasthen,butStevenconvincedmetoshowupattheirrehearsalspace,whichwasaroominsomehovelcalledFortressonSelmaandHighland.ThatplacewastheepitomeofrattyHollywoodpunk,becauseonlypunkrockerswouldhavethoughttotrashitsoextensively.Rockguysdon’ttrashthingsuntilthey’vemadeitandareolder;onlypunksdothatoutofthegate.I’mnotsurewhatcoloritwasoriginally,butthecarpetatFortresshadturnedasickyellowbrown,notonlyonthefloor,butallthewayupthewallsandceiling,whereithadbeeninstalledtodampenthenoise.Everycornerwasdisgusting;theentireroomwasalice-infestedcube.

Istartedrehearsingwiththemanditwasgoingfine—untilIzzytookoffduringthesecondsong.NowIknowthatboltingisIzzy’sdefensemechanismwhenhethinksthingsaren’tquiteright:henevermakesashowofit,hejustslipsoutandwon’tlookback.ApparentlyIzzyhadnoideawhatIwasdoingtherethatdayandunderstandablydidn’tlikeitthatAxlhadfiredChrisWebberwithoutconsulting,oreveninforming,him.

Eventually,awhilelaterafterwe’dbecomegoodfriends,IaskedIzzyaboutit.Izzyalwaysmaintainedanauraofcool;hewasneverruffled,heneverletthatguarddown.ButwhenIaskedhimaboutthis,heleveledadeathlyseriousgazeatme,soIhadnodoubtthathewassincere.

“It’sprettyfuckingsimple,”hesaid.“Ijustdon’tlikebeingdictatedtounderanycircumstances.”

Inanycase,hesplit.I’dbeendraggedintothemiddleofthatsituation,entirelycluelesstoit.AfterIzzyleft,therewasashort,awkwardmoment…andthenwejuststartedplayingagain.

thenwejuststartedplayingagain.

Ididn’tevenknowthattherewasanotherconcentriccircleoftensionaroundthemovetobringmein:TraciiGunshadbeenvyingforthatgig.He’dbeentryingtorecruitAxlandIzzyintoabandforquiteawhile.Ican’timaginethathewasexcitedtohearthatthey’dchosenmeoverhim.Ihadnoideaaboutanyofthis,andevenifIhadIwouldhaveignoredallofitanyway.Finally,finally,Iwasinabandwithagreatsinger—orasingeratall.

SlashinHollywoodRose,bassistSteveDarrowisatleft.Slashisplayingthevoicebox.

Axlhadbeenbrainstormingonhowtoputtogethertherightband,andhethoughtIzzyandIwouldmakeagreatpairing,butsincethey’dneveractuallydiscusseditbeforeheputitinmotion,IwasinbutIzzywasgone.HollywoodRose,asIknewit,wasAxl,SteveDarrow,SteveAdler,andme.WebookedgigsatMadameWong’sEastandWestandrehearsedinastudiocalledShamrockonSantaMonicaBoulevardbetweenWesternandGower.Thatplacewasanincrediblescene,wherejustaboutanythingmighthappen;consideringthatitwaslocatedwaypastEastHollywood,anythingreallycouldhappenwithoutarousingtheauthorities.Therewerethreestudiosinthecomplexandtheownersthrewinsanepartieseveryweekend,whereitwasalwaysballstothewall.

AxlandIbecamereallygoodfriendsduringthisperiodbecause,forawhile,helivedwithmyfamilyandme.Itwasn’tbecauseweweresoulmatesoranything:Axlneverhadaplaceofhisownbackthen;hejustcrashedwhereverhecould.Whenhelivedwithus,he’dspendhisdayssleepinginmysubterraneanroomsurroundedbymysnakesandmycatswhileIwasatwork.

subterraneanroomsurroundedbymysnakesandmycatswhileIwasatwork.WhenIgothome,I’dwakehimupandwe’dgotorehearsal.

Allthesame,IlearnedalotaboutAxlduringthattime.Wetalkedaboutmusicandthethingswethoughtweregreat;we’dlistentoaparticularsonganddissectit,anditwasclearthatwehadalotincommonintermsofourmusicaltaste.Wehadamutualrespectforallthebandsthathadinfluencedme.

Axlalsohadaninterestintalkingaboutlife,bothhisownandinthegreatersense.Ididn’thavealottosaybutIwasalwaysagoodlistener.Sohetoldmeabouthisfamilyandthehardtimeshe’denduredinIndiana;itwashalfaworldawayfromanythingIcouldcomprehend.Axlimpressedmethenthewayhealwayshas:nomatterwhatanyonemightsayabouthim,AxlRoseisbrutallyhonest.Hisversionofeventsmightbesingular,tosaytheleast,butthetruthis,hebelievesinwhathesayswithmoreheartthananyoneelseI’veevermet.

Itshouldn’tbeshockingtohearthatitwasn’talwayssmoothsailingwhenAxllivedwithmyfamily.AsImentioned,myroomwasoffthelivingroom,downtwoflightsofstairs,underthegarage.Forthemostpart,AxlkepttohimselfwhenIwasn’tthere,butonemorningafterI’dleftforwork,apparentlyhewanderedupandcrashedoutonthecouchinthelivingroom.Inotherhouseholdsthatmightnothavebeenthatbigofadeal,butinoursitwas.Mygrandmother,OlaSr.,wasourmatriarchandthatcouchwasthethronefromwhichshewatchedherfavoriteTVshowseveryafternoon.Whenshearrived,rightontimetoenjoyherregularlyscheduledprogramming,andfoundAxlthere,sprawledout,OlaSr.politelyrousedhim.Inhersweet,soft,old-ladyvoicesheaskedhimtogobackdownstairstomyroom,wherehecouldsleepaslongasheliked.Forwhateverreason,thatdidn’tgooverwell:fromwhatIunderstand,Axltoldmygrandmothertofuckoffthenstormeddownstairstomyroom—atleastthat’swhatmymomsaid.

MymomtookmeasidewhenIgothomefromwork,andaseasygoingassheis,sheinsistedthatifAxlwasgoingtoliveunderherroofforevenonemoreday,heneededtoapologizetohermotherandpromisetoneverbehavethatwayagain.Itwasmydutytomakeithappen,whichatthetimeIdidn’tthinkwasthatbigofadeal.

MymomusedtoloanmehergreenDatsun510,andasAxlandIdrovetorehearsalthatevening,Imentioned,intheleastconfrontationalway,thatheshouldprobablyapologizetoOlaSr.fortellinghertofuckoff.Ihadn’tknown

shouldprobablyapologizetoOlaSr.fortellinghertofuckoff.Ihadn’tknownAxllong,butIalreadyknewhimwellenoughtounderstandthathewasasensitive,introspectivepersonwhoenduredseriousmoodswings,soIchosemywordscarefullyandpresentedtheissueinaverynonjudgmental,objectivetone.AxlstaredoutthewindowasIspoke,thenhestartedrockingbackandforthinthepassengerseat.WeweredrivingonSantaMonicaBoulevard,doingaboutfortymilesanhour,whensuddenly,heopenedthecardoorandjumpedoutwithoutaword.Hestumbled,kindofhopped,andmadeitontothesidewalkwithoutfalling.Hesteadiedhimself,thentookoffdownasidestreetwithoutlookingback.

Iwasshocked;IdidaU-turnanddrovearoundinvain,lookingforhimforanhour.Hedidn’tshowupbackatmyhousethatnightandhedidn’tcometorehearsalforfourdays.Onthefifthdayheappearedatthestudioasifnothinghadhappened.He’dfoundsomewhereelsetocrashandhenevermentioneditagain.ItwasprettycleartomefromthatpointforwardthatAxlhadafewpersonalitytraitsthatsethimveryfarapartfromeveryotherpersonI’deverknown.

THELASTHOLLYWOODROSEGIGTOOKplaceattheTroubadouranditendedeventfully.Itwasan“off”nightallaround,basicallyaseriesofalmostrightmoments.Wewentonlateandeverythingsoundedterrible,thecrowdwasrowdyanddisengaged,andnomatterhowhardwetried,therewasnoturningthevibearound.SomehecklerinthefrontrowantagonizedAxlandsoonhe’dhadenough;hethrewaglassattheguyorbrokeabottleonhishead—itdoesn’tmatterwhich,butitwasafittingexpressionofthepent-upfrustrationwithinthebandthatnight.AsIwatchedthealtercationwiththisguybuildthroughouttheset,itwassuchabigdistractionduringtheshowthatIknewIwasgoingtoquitassoonasthesetwasdone.Axlgoingafterhimwaslikeaffirmationfromtheuniverse.

It’snotlikeIhadn’tseenitcoming:Iwasn’tsatisfiedandthewholesituationdidn’tseemverystable.We’dhadonlyahandfulofgigsinthefewmonthswe’dbeentogetherandthelineupneverfeltquiteright.Bythatpoint,itdidn’ttakemuch;andthebottlesceneseemeduncalledfor—itdistractedfromthemusictosaytheleast.Herewewere,afledglingbandwithenoughinternalissuestryingtoscratchoutanameforourselves,havingtocontendwithincidentslikethat.ItmeantsomethingtoAxl,ofcourse,butnoteveryonenecessarilyagreedwithhim.Itwasthewayhefeltand,seriously,ifitwascalled

necessarilyagreedwithhim.Itwasthewayhefeltand,seriously,ifitwascalledfor,fine,butsometimesyougottapickyourbattles.Stoppingtheshowtodealwiththissituationwasabitmuch.Inthespiritofrockandroll,Ihadanappreciationforthefull-onfuck-you,butasfarasprofessionalismwasconcerned,itwasanissueforme.

Axlisadramatickindofindividual.Everythinghesaysordoeshasameaning,atheatricalplaceinhismind,inablown-out-of-proportionkindofway.Littlethingsbecomegreatlyexaggerated,sothatinteractionswithpeoplecanbecomemagnifiedintomajorissues.Thebottomlineis,hehashisownwayoflookingatthings.Iamaprettyeasygoingguy,soI’mtold,sowhenAxlwouldflyoffthehandle,Ineverfollowedsuit.I’dbelike,“what?”andblowitoff.Thereweresuchdramatichighsandlowsandextrememoodswingsthatbeingclosetohimalwaysfeltlikearoller-coasterride.WhatIdidn’tknowthenwasthatthiswouldbearecurringtheme.

Inanyevent,ItoldeveryoneinHollywoodRosethatIquitassoonaswegotoffstage.ThebandsplitupafterthatandAxlandIpartedwaysforawhile.HewentontojoinTraciiGunsinL.A.Guns,whichsoonbecametheearliestincarnationofGunsN’Roses.

Slashonthecircuit,1985.

IwentontojoinabandcalledBlackSheepwithWillieBass,whichwasariteofpassageforasuccessionoftalentedmusicians.Willieisagreatfrontman;he’sareallytallblackguywhosingsandplaysbassandhehadapenchantforlandingthehottestshredderguitarplayersoftheday,oneaftertheother.He’dhadPaulGilbert,avirtuoso,YngwieMalmsteentype;MitchPerry,whohadplayedwithMichaelSchenker;andforatime,me.Shreddingwasnotmyforte—Icouldplayfast,butIvaluedclassicrock-and-roll,ChuckBerry–styleplayingoverheavymetalshowboating.Itookthegiganyway,because,afterHollywoodRose,Irealizedthatgettingoutthereandbeingnoticedwasessential:itwasawaytomeetotherplayersandlearnaboutotheropportunitiesinafashionthatsuitedmypersonalitymorethannetworkingontheStrip.

ItookthegigandplayedtoabouteighthundredpeopleoutattheCountryClubintheValley,anditwasaparticularlygoodshow,Imustsay.ItwasalsothefirsttimeI’deverplayedtosomany.Ienjoyedtheexposure,thoughIrememberthinkingthatI’dplayedterribly.IfoundoutlaterthatAxlwasthere,butIhadnoideaatthetimebecausehedidn’tcomeupandsayhello.

butIhadnoideaatthetimebecausehedidn’tcomeupandsayhello.

BlackSheepwasn’treallydoingmuchbythispoint;afterthatonegig,wedidn’thaveanyothersbooked;we’djustgettogethertorehearsenowandagain.MybriefexperiencewiththemmightnothavebeenexactlywhatIwantedtodo,butitdidmakememorepublic,soitseemedtomethatifplayinginawell-likedL.A.clubbandwaswinningmeattentionandputtingmycareeronsomekindoftrack,joiningthebiggestL.A.clubbandofthedaymightnotbeabadideaatall.

Poison’sguitarplayer,MattSmith,calledmewhenhedecidedthathewasgoingtoleavetheband.HiswifewaspregnantandtheyhaddecidedtomovebacktoPennsylvaniatostarttheirfamily.MattandIhadfriendsincommonandhe’dinvitedmetoafewofPoison’sparties.Mattwasagoodguy,hewasdowntoearth—theleastpoisonousofthebunch.Mattknewthatitwasn’tmythingatall,buthesaidthatitwasagoodgigthatpaidwellandIalreadyknewthebandwasdefinitelyindemand.Iwasprettyagainstit,butMatttalkedmeintotryingout.

PoisonrehearsedinabigflatwaydowninVeniceonWashingtonandLaBreaorsomethinglikethat,whichwasplasteredwithposters…ofthemselves.Ishoweduptotheauditionwearingmytypicaluniform:jeans,T-shirt,andthatdayapairofthesereallycoolmoccasinsthatIstolefromthefarmer’smarket—theyweren’tbeaded,justreallyplainbrownleatherwithshortfringearoundtheankle.Ihadlearnedfourorfivesongsfromatapethey’dgivenmeandIjustkilledthemwhenweranthroughitall.TheycalledmebackforasecondauditionandIrememberBobbyDall,thebassplayer,lookingmeoverasIplayed.Thevibewasverydifferent;therewasatangibleattentiontodetail.

“So,like,whatdoyouwear?”heaskedme.“Youdon’twearthoseshoesonstage,doyou?”

“Ihaven’tgivenitmuchthought,totellyouthetruth,”Isaid.Helookedconcernedandconfused.

Iwasoneofthreethattheyweredecidingon,andIsawanotherguyatthecallbackthatday.Hehadplatinum-blondhair,asparklywhiteleatherjacket,andfullmakeup,completewithfrostedpinklipstick.Igotonelookathimonthewayoutandknewthathe’dgetthegig.Hedid,ofcourse—itwasC.C.Deville.IhadplayedtheshitoutofPoison’smaterial,butthatwastheoneandonlywaythatIwasaperfectfitforwhattheywereallabout.

onlywaythatIwasaperfectfitforwhattheywereallabout.

Nobodyevercomplainedbecausetheywereshockedspeechless.

IN1984,AXLHELPEDMEGETAJOBATTowerVideoandwhenhediditwasbittersweettoseehimagain.WhenHollywoodRosebrokeup,itwasn’texactlyacrimoniousbutintheinterim,anothersourceofcontentionhadcomebetweenus:AxlhadhookedupwithmythenexYvonne.

IhadmetYvonnethroughMarcCanterataRattconcert,wheretheywereplayingwithYngwieMalmsteen,attheHollywoodPalladium.She’dactuallybeenRattfrontmanStephenPearcy’sgirlfriendatonetime.Wewentouttoalate-nightdinnerafterwardatthisplacetheBeverlyHillsCaféthatwasoneofMarc’sfavoritespotsandthat’swherewegoteyesforeachother.Westarteddatingafterthat.Yvonnewasreallycool—shewasthepersonwhoturnedmeontoHanoiRocksandfrontmanMikeMonroe,whichwasabandthatIdefinitelyappreciated.TheywereaninfluenceonGunsN’Rosesandarestillanundervaluedrock-and-rollinstitutionasfarasI’mconcerned.

Anyway,YvonneandIdatedforawhile,butduringoneofthosespellswherewetooksometimeofffromeachother,Axlfuckedher.Iwasnothappyaboutthatatall,butIcan’tsaythatIwassurprisedbecauseitwasobviousthathealwayshadathingforher.WhensheandIgotbacktogether,ofcourseshehadtotellmeaboutit,undertheguiseof“beinghonest,”whentherealmotivationwasprobablyrevengeformydumpingher.

IcalledAxlathisjobatTowerVideotoconfronthim.Iwasjustpissed.

“YoufuckedYvonne,”Isaid.“Whatkindofcheapshotisthat?”

IhavetogiveAxlcredit—hewashonestanddidn’ttrytoweaselhiswayoutofit.HetoldmethatofcoursehedidbutthatatthetimeIwasn’tfuckingher,sowhatdiditmatter?Ididn’tseeitquitethesameway,sothingsescalatedfromthereuntilheinvitedmetotryandkickhisass.IwasgoingtogoupthereanddukeitoutbutIletitgo.Needlesstosay,ittooksometimetodefusetheanimosity.Andoneday,afterhearingIwaslookingforajob,hetoldmeaboutanopeningatTowerasapeacemakinggesture.Axlalwayschosetopatchthingsupwithgrandgestures.

TowerVideowaslocateddirectlyacrossthestreetfromtheTowerRecords

whereI’dbeenbustedshopliftingafewyearsearlier.Axlwaslivingwithoneofthemanagers,andonceI’djoinedtheranksitdidn’ttakemelongtofigureoutthatIwasnowoneofatrulyloonycastofcolorfulcharacters;IimaginethatwewerethemostludicrousandutterlynegligentstaffthatanyTowerlocationhaseveremployed.Therewerealsosomegreat,senilealcoholicswhoworkedattheTowerClassicalnextdoor.

Everynightatabouteighto’clock,afterthegeneralmanagerforrecordsandvideoleftforthenight,thoseofusinvideowouldstockupattheliquorstoreacrossthestreet,throwpornomoviesonthestore’svideosystem,andjustdrink.We’dputourfriends’bandsonthestereoandgenerallyignoreeverycustomerthatwanderedin.

Itwasn’tanythingthatthesecuritycameraspickedupbecausewedidn’thavevodkabottlesnexttothecashregister,soitwentonunnoticedforalongtime—Iimagine,though,thatifthosetapeswereviewed,we’dcomeoffaslazyandunhelpful.We’dmixourcocktailsbackintheofficeandwalkaroundwiththeminplasticSolocups;we’dberingingupanypurchaseswithonehandaroundascrewdriver.I’msurethecustomersknewwhatwewereuptothemomentwebreathedonthem,butnobodyevercomplainedbecausetheywereshockedspeechless.Allthingsconsidered,wewerewaytooscaryformostpeople;theyjustgotoutofthereasquicklyastheycould.

Unfortunately,oneofthetighter-assedmanagerscaughtontousandwhenhedid,Axltookthefall:hewasfiredfortheanticsthatwewereallguiltyof.Eventhen,Iknewwhy:Axlhasthekindofpresenceandstarpowerthatthreatensauthorityfigures;theyseesomeonelikeAxlasnothingbuta“ringleader.”

MYMEMORYISHAZYONTHEVARIOUSeventsthatledtotheformingofGunsN’Roses,because,tobehonest,formostofitIwasn’tthere.I’mnotheretopresenttheacademichistoryofthebandorsetstraighteverymisconception;Icanonlyspeakofmyexperience.Inanycase,sometimeinearly1985,AxlandTraciiGunsstartedputtingabandtogether;theybroughtinOleBenchandRobGardner,who’dplayedbassanddrums,respectively,inL.A.Guns.Nottoolongafterthat,IzzyjoinedtheirgroupandthatiswhenAxloptedtochangethenametoGunsN’Rosesforobviousreasons.Traciihadfinallygottenhisdreamsituation—asIsaid,he’dbeenafterAxlandIzzytobeinabandwithhimfora

while.Theydidafewgigs,theywroteafewsongs—inthatorder.

IwasstillworkingatTowerandhadnothingelsegoingon.Iwasenvious,tosaytheleast,whenIzzycameintogivemeaflyerforaGunsN’RosesshowinOrangeCounty.Somewherealongtheline,DuffreplacedOle;theydidafewmoregigsandwroteafewmoresongs.IbelievethatduringthoseOrangeCountyshowsTraciiandAxlhadamajorfalling-out.TraciiquitprettysoonafterwardandthenonenightAxlshowedupatTowertoaskifI’dbeinterestedinhookingupwithIzzytowritesomesongsandgivethegigago.Istoppedforamomenttothinkaboutwhatthatmeant.

AxlandIzzywereaunit,soanyotherplayerscomingintotheirbandhadtoworkwellwithbothofthem,andIzzyhadleftHollywoodRosetooquicklytogettoknowmeatall.IlikedIzzy.Hewas,afterall,thefirstguyImetandIenjoyedhisstyleandadmiredhistalent.IndealingdirectlywithIzzy,I’dhavesomethingofabufferwithAxl.AxlandIgotalonginsomanywaysbutwehadinnatepersonalitydifferences.Wewereattractedtoeachotherandworkedtogethertremendouslywellyetwewereastudyinpolaropposites.Izzy(andlaterDuff)wouldhelp.Atthetime,Izzywasenoughtotakethepressureoff.

IshowedupatIzzy’sapartmentafewdayslaterandhewasworkingonasongcalled“Don’tCry,”whichIimmediatelytookto.Iwrotesomeguitarpartsforitandwefine-tuneditfortherestoftheevening.Itwasacoolsession;webothgotalotoutofjammingwitheachother.

WefoundourselvesarehearsalspaceinSilverlake:Duff,Izzy,Axl,RobGardner,andmyself.Everyoneknewoneanother,sowestartedthrowingsongstogetherthateveninganditjustgelledquickly;itwasoneofthosemagicmomentsthatmusiciansspeakofwhereeveryplayernaturallycomplementstheotherandagroupbecomesanorganiccollective.Ihadneverfeltitthatintenselyinmylife.ItwasallaboutthekindofmusicIwasinto:rattyrockandrolllikeoldAerosmith,AC/DC,HumblePie,andAliceCooper.EveryoneinthebandworetheirinfluencesontheirsleevesandtherewasnotabitofthetypicalL.A.vibegoingonwherethegoalistocourtarecorddeal.Therewasnoconcernfortheproperposesorgoofychorusesthatmightspellpop-chartsuccess;whichultimatelyguaranteedendlesshotchicks.Thattypeofcalculatedrebellionwasn’tanoptionforus;weweretoorabidapackofmusicallylike-mindedgutterrats.Wewerepassionate,withacommongoalandaverydistinctsenseofintegrity.Thatwasthedifferencebetweenusandthem.

6

YouLearntoLiveLikeanAnimal

Weweren’texactlythetypeofpeoplewhotooknoforananswer.Weweremuchmorelikelytogivenoforananswer.Asindividuals,eachofuswasstreet-smart,self-sufficient,andusedtodoingthingshiswayonly—deathbeforecompromise.Whenwebecameaunitthatqualitymultipliedbyfivebecausewe’dhaveoneanother’sbacksasfiercelyaswe’dstoodupforourselves.Allthreeofthecommondefinitionsofthewordgangdefinitelyappliedtous:1)wewereagroupwhoassociatedcloselyforsocialreasonssuchasdelinquentbehavior;2)wewereacollectionofpeoplewithcompatibletastesandmutualinterestswhogatheredtoworktogether;and3)wewereagroupofpersonswhoassociatedforcriminalorotherantisocialpurposes.Wehadagang’ssenseofloyalty,too:weonlytrustedouroldestfriends,andfoundeverythingweneededtogetbyinoneanother.

Ourgroupwillpowerdroveustosucceedonourowntermsbutnevermadetherideanyeasier.Wewereunliketheotherbandsoftheday;wedidn’ttakekindlytocriticismfromanyone—notourpeers,notthecharlatansthattriedtosignustounfairmanagementcontracts,nottheA&Rrepsvyingtohandusadeal.Wedidnothingtocourtacceptanceandweshunnedeasysuccess.Wewaitedforourpopularitytospeakforitselfandfortheindustrytotakenotice.Andwhenitdid,wemadethempay.

Werehearsedeveryday,workingupsongsthatweknewandlikedfromoneanother’sbands,like“MovetotheCity”and“RecklessLife,”whichwerewrittenbysomeversionoranotherofHollywoodRose.WehadapieceofshitPA,sowecomposedmostofthemusicwithoutAxlactuallysingingwithus.He’dsingunderhisbreathandlistenandprovidefeedbackonwhatweweretalkingaboutinthearrangements.

Afterthreenightswehadafullyrealizedsetthatalsoincluded“Don’tCry”and“ShadowofYourLove,”andsoweunanimouslydecidedthatwewerenowfitforpublicconsumption.Wecouldhavebookedagiglocally,because,collectively,weallknewtherightpeople,butno,wedecidedthatafterthreerehearsals,wewerereadyforatour.AndnotjustalongweekendtourofclubsclosetoL.A.;wetookDuffuponhisoffertobookusajauntthatstretchedfromSacramentoallthewayuptohishometownofSeattle.Itwascompletelyimprobablebuttousitseemedlikethemostsensibleideaintheworld.

Weplannedtopackthegearandleaveinafewdays,butourzealscaredtheshitoutofourdrummer,RobGardner,somuchthathemoreorlessquitthebandonthespot.Itdidn’tsurpriseanyonebecauseRobcouldplaywellenoughbuthedidn’tfitinfromthestart;hewasn’tofthesameilk,hewasn’toneofus:hejustwasn’tthesell-your-soul-for-rock-and-rolltype.Itwasapolitedeparture—wecouldn’timagineanyonewhohadplayedthoselastthreerehearsalsnotwantingtotourthecoastasanunknownbandwithnothingbutourgearandtheclothesonourbacks,butweacceptedhisdecision.Wewouldnotbestopped,however,soIcalledtheonedrummerthatIknewwhowouldleavethatnightifweaskedhimto:StevenAdler.

WewatchedasStevensetupbothofhissilver-bluebassdrumsandloosenedupwithafewtypicaldouble-bassfillsatrehearsalthenextday.Hisaesthetictouchstoneswereoff,butitwasn’taninsurmountableproblem.ItwasasituationrectifiedinatypicallyGunsfashion:whenStevenduckedouttotakeapiss,IzzyandDuffhidoneofhisbassdrums,afloortom,andsomesmallracktoms.Stevenreturned,satdown,andstartedcountinginthenextsongbeforeherealizedwhatwasmissing.

“Hey,where’smyotherbassdrum?”heasked,lookingaroundasifhe’ddroppedthemonthewaytothebathroomorsomething.“Icameherewithtwo…andmyotherdrums?

“Don’tworryaboutit,man.Youdon’tneedthem,justcountoffthesong,”

“Don’tworryaboutit,man.Youdon’tneedthem,justcountoffthesong,”Izzysaid.

Stevennevergothisextrabassdrumbackanditwasthebestthingthateverhappenedtohim.Ofthefiveofus,hewasthemostconventionallycontemporary,which,allthingsconsidered,lentakeyelementtooursound—butweweren’tgoingtolethimhammerthatpointhomeallnightlong.Webulliedhimintobeingastraight-ahead,4/4rock-and-rolldrummer,whichcomplementedandeasilylockedinwithDuff’sbassstyle,whileallowingIzzyandmethefreedomtomeshblues-drivenrockandrollwiththeneuroticedgeoffirst-generationpunk.NottomentionwhatAxl’slyricsanddeliverybroughttoit.Axlhadauniquevoice;itwasbrilliantinrangeandtone,buteventhoughitwasoftenintenseandinyourface,ithadanamazinglysoulful,bluesyqualitytoitbecausehehadachoirbackgroundfromsinginginchurchwhenhewasingradeschool.

Bytheendofhistryout,StevenwashiredandtheoriginalGunsN’Roseslineupwaslockedandloaded.Duffhadbookedthetour;allthatweneededwaswheels.Anyonewhoknowsamusicianwell,successfulorotherwise,knowsthis:generally,theyareadeptat“borrowing”fromtheirfriends.IttookonephonecallandveryminorconvincingforustoenlistourfriendsDannyandJoe,whosecarandloyaltywemadeuseofveryregularly.Tosweetenthedeal,wechristenedDannyourtourmanagerandJoeourroadieandthenextmorningdroveDanny’sweatheredgreentankofanOldsmobileouttotheValleytopickupaU-Haultrailerthatwefilledwiththeamps,guitars,anddrumkit.

Sevenofuspackedintothismid-seventiesOldsandsetoutonwhatIdon’tthinkanyonebutDuffrealizedwasatripofoverathousandmiles.WewereoutsideofFresno,twohundredmilesfromL.A.andtwohundredshortofSacramento,whenthecarbrokedown.Dannywasn’tthetypeofguytohavesplurgedforAAA,soluckilywebrokedownwithinpushingdistanceofagasstation,wherewediscoveredthatitwouldtakefourdaystogetthenecessarypartstofixabeastthatold.Atthatrate,wewouldn’tmakeanyoftheshows.

Ourenthusiasmwastoogreattoallowfordelaysorthoughtsofpracticality,sowetoldDannyandJoetostaywiththecarandgearuntilitwasrepairedandtomeetusinPortland(aboutsevenhundredfiftymilesaway),atoneofthegigsontheroute.Fromthere,wedecidedwe’ddrivetoSeattletogether(aboutahundredandseventy-fivemilesfarther)toplaythefinalshowofourtourwithourowngear.TherewasabriefmomentwhenDannyandJoecampaignedfor

ourowngear.TherewasabriefmomentwhenDannyandJoecampaignedforustoremaininFresnotogetheruntilthecarwasbackontheroad,butneitherthatnortheobviousoptionofturningbackwereeverconsideredseriously.Wehadn’tevenconsideredhowtogetfromonegigtothenext,letalonethatwemightnotfindampsanddrumsreadytoborrowwhenwegotthere.Wereallydidn’tgiveashitaboutanyofthat;thefiveofusdidn’thesitate—wehitthehighwaytostarthitchhiking.

WegaveDannyandJoewhatevermoneywecouldsparetopayforthecar—probablyabouttwentybucks—andwalkeduptheon-ramptothehighway,guitarcasesinhand.Afewhourswithoutsomuchasonevehicleevenslowingdowntocheckusoutdidn’tdentourconfidence.Weremainedproactive,testingtheefficiencyofthevarioushitchhikingconfigurationsavailabletous:fiveguyswithnovisibleluggage;twoguyshitchingandthreeguyshiddeninthebushes;oneguywithaguitarcase;justAxlandIzzy;justIzzyandme;justAxlandme;justStevenalone,wavingandgrinning;justDuffalone.Nothingseemedtowork;thepeopleofFresnoweren’thavingusinanyway,shape,orform.

Ittookaboutsixhoursforourkindofmisfittocomealong;atruckerwillingtotakeallofusonboard,stuffedintothefrontseatandthesmallbenchbehinditinhiscab.Itwasclosequarters,madeevencloserbytheguitarcasesandthesheerintensityofthisguy’sspeedhabit.Hesharedhisstashwithussparingly,whichmadehisendlessstoriesoflifeontheroadmoredigestible:thefiveofuswereallprettycynicalandsarcastic,sointhebeginningwewerethoroughlyamusedbythisguy’sinsanity.Asthatnight,thenextday,andthedayafterthatcamescreamingdowntheroadatusthroughthewindshield,therewasn’tanyplaceelseIthoughtI’dratherbe.Whenwe’dpulloveratreststopssothisguycouldsleepforawhileinthebackofhiscab—whichwasaconsistentlyinconsistentamountoftimelastinganywherefromanhourtohalfaday—we’dcrashonparkbenches,writesongsasthesuncameup,orjustwalkaroundkickingtrashatsquirrels.

Afteracoupleofdaysofthis,ourchauffeurstartedtosmellparticularlypungentandhisformerlyaffable,strung-outchatterseemedtoturndarklyweird.Weweresooncollectivelydisenchanted.Heinformedusthatheplannedtotakeadetourtopickupmorespeedfrom“hisoldlady,”whoIguessdroveouttomeethimatregularspotsonhisroutetokeephimjuicedup.Itdidn’tlooklikethesituationwasboundtoimprove.Thenexttimehepulledintoareststoptotakeoneofhisendlessnaps,wewerewaytooboredandbroketostickitoutanylonger.Wedecidedtoexploreouroptionsbyhittingtheblacktoptoagainlookforaride,figuringthatifworsecametoworst,thespeeddemoninthesemi

foraride,figuringthatifworsecametoworst,thespeeddemoninthesemiwouldfindusandpickusupagainwheneverhewokeup.Heprobablywouldn’teventhinkwe’dditchedhim.

Ourprospectsweren’tplentiful,because,amongthefiveofus,notoneofusboreaniotaofmainstreamappeal,fromDuff’sred-and-blackleathertrenchcoattoourblackleatherjackets,longhair,andafewdaysofroadgrime.Ihavenoideahowlongwewaited,buteventuallywehailedaridefromtwochicksinapickuptruckwithashell.TheydroveustotheoutskirtsofPortland,andoncewegotwithinthecitylimits,allwaswell—Duff’sfriendDonnerfromSeattlehadsentsomeonetogetuswhoinformedusthatDannyandJoehadcalledahead:apparentlythecarwastoounreliabletomakethetripsotheyhadheadedbacktoL.A.It’snotlikewecared;wewereforgingon,eventhoughwe’dmissedeverysinglegigalongtheway.Itdidn’tmattertoussolongaswehadashotatmakingourfinalshowofthetour—itwasscheduledtotakeplaceinSeattle,andwhatwasmeanttobeourlastgigbecamethefirstGunsN’Rosesshowthateverwas.

ArrivinginSeattlewasespeciallyvictoriousbothbecausewe’dactuallymadeit(thatlastdrivecameoffwithnoproblems),andalsobecauseDonner’shousewastheclosestthingIhaveeverseentoAnimalHouse.Thedaywerolledin,theythrewabarbecueinourhonorthat,asfarasIcouldtell,neverseemedtoend—itwasasragingwhenwedraggedourselvesoutofthereasithadbeenwheneveryonefirstcheeredthefivestrangersfromL.A.whocamethroughtheirdoor.Therewasanendlesssupplyofpot,atonofbooze,andpeoplesleeping,tripping,orfuckingineverycorner.ItwasafittingGunsN’Rosesafter-showparty…thatstartedbeforeourfirstshow.

WearrivedatDonner’shouseahandfulofhoursbeforeweweresupposedtobeonstage.Wehadnothingbutourguitars,sowereallyneededtofindourselvesequipment.AsIsaid,beforemovingtoL.A.,DuffhadplayedinlegendarySeattlepunkbands,sohecouldpullinsomefavors:hegaveLuluGargiulooftheFastbacksacall,andshecamethroughforusbyloaningustheirdrumkitandamps.ShepersonallymadethefirstGunsN’Rosesshowpossible.AndI’dliketothankherrightnowonceagain.

TheclubwascalledGorillaGardens,whichwastheepitomeofapunk-rockshithole:itwasdankanddirtyandsmelledofstalebeer.Itwassituatedrightonthewater,onanindustrialwharfthatlentitavaguelymaritimefeel,butnotinapicturesque,woodendockmanneratall.Thatplacewasattheendofaconcrete

picturesque,woodendockmanneratall.Thatplacewasattheendofaconcreteslab;itwasthekindofsettingwheredealsgetmadeinEastCoastgangstermovies,andontopofallofthat,itwascoldandrainingoutsidethenightweplayedthere.

Wejustgotupanddidoursetandthecrowdwasneitherhostilenorgracious.Weprobablyplayedsevenoreightsongs—“MovetotheCity,”“RecklessLife,”“HeartbreakHotel,”“ShadowofYourLove,”and“AnythingGoes”amongthem—anditwentbyprettyquickly.Thatnightwewerearawinterpretationofwhatthebandwas;oncethenervousenergysubsided,atleastforme,we’dreachedtheendoftheset.Thatsaid,wehadaverysmallnumberoftrainwrecksinthearrangements,andallinallthegigwasprettygood…untilwehadtocollectourmoney.Thenitbecameasmuchofanuphillbattleastherestofourearlycareerwouldbe.

Theclubownerrefusedtopayusthe$150wewerepromised.Wetackledthisobstacleaswehadtheentireroadtrip—asagroup.Webrokedownourgear,gotitpackedupoutsideoftheclub,andcorneredthisguyinhisoffice.Dufftalkedtohimwhilewecrowdedaround,lookingformidableandthrowinginacouplethreatsforgoodmeasure.Weblockedthedoorandheldhimhostageuntilhefinallycoughedup$100ofourcash.Hehadsomesortofbullshitexcuseaboutwhyhewasshortingus$50thatwasjustfuckingdumb.Wedidn’tcaretogettothebottomofitatall,sowetookthe$100andsplit.

THEREISONEIMAGETHATIHAVEOFourdaysinSeattlethatsumsitalluptome.ItisofanupsidedownTV.Irememberlyingwithmybodyhalfonthebed,myheadhungovertheendofthepull-outcouchsofarthatthetopofitwasagainstthefloor.TherewereequallyrottedpeoplethatIdidn’tknowlyingonbothsidesofmeandIwassostonedthatIthoughtI’dfoundthebestpositionintheworldthatabodymighteverbein.ThebloodrushedtomybrainasIdangledtherewatchingTheAbominableDr.Phibes,starringVincentPrice,andtherewasn’tanythingelseIwantedtodo.

Afteracoupleofdaysofafter-partyingatDonner’shouse,wehoppedbackinthecarwithhisfriend,whomwe’llcallJane.ShewaseithercrazyorjustlikedusenoughtodriveusallthewaybacktoL.A..I’mstillnotsurewhich.WedrovethroughtoSacramento,whichisaboutsevenhundredfiftymiles,beforewemadeourfirstpitstop.Bythatpoint,wehadtopause:Janewasn’tthetypetohaveacarwithfunctioningair-conditioning,andconsideringthesummertimeheat,itmighthavebeenlethaltokeepgoingbythatpoint.

heat,itmighthavebeenlethaltokeepgoingbythatpoint.

Weparkedandspenttheafternoonwanderingaroundthestate-capitolareabeggingforchangetogetsomethingtoeat.Afterafewhours,wetookourearningsandhittheMcDonald’sandwebarelyhadenoughfoodtoshareamongthesixofus.Afterward,welaydownundertheshadeofafewoaktreesintheparkacrossfromthecapitolinsearchofsomerelieffromtheheat.Itgotsounbearablethatwejumpedthefenceandtookrefugeinsomeconvalescenthome’spool.Wedidn’tgiveafuckthatweweretrespassing;actually,ifwe’dgottenarrested,itprobablywouldhavebeenanimprovement—atleasttherewouldbefoodandbetterair-conditioningthanJane’scar.Oncethesunwentdownanditfinallycooledoffenoughtogetbackinthatthing,wegotbackontheroad.

Ididn’trealizeituntilyearslater,butthattripcementedusasabandmorethanweknew;ourcommitmentsweretestedonthatjourney.We’dpartied,we’dplayed,we’dsurvived,we’dendured,andwerackedupalifetime’sworthofstoriesinjusttwoweeks.Orwasitoneweek…Ithinkitwasoneweek…whatdoIknow?

ITMAKESSENSETHATGUNS’FIRSTSHOWtookplaceinSeattlebecauseasmuchasL.A.wasouraddress,wehadasmuchincommonwiththeaverage“L.A.”bandasSeattle’sweatherhaswithSouthernCalifornia’s.OurmaininfluenceswereAerosmith,especiallyforme,andthentherewasT.Rex,HanoiRocks,andtheNewYorkDolls.IguessyoucouldevensaythatAxlwasaversionofMichaelMonroe.

SowewerebackinL.A.withourfirst-evergigasabandbehindus.Wewereallsettogetbacktorehearsingandkeepthemomentumfocused.WegottogetheroutatthisspaceinSilverlakeandwereallpackedintoDuff’slittleToyotaCelicadrivinghomeafterrehearsal.Aswepulledintoanintersectiontomakealeftturn,wewerebroadsidedbysomeguydoingaboutsixtymilesanhour.Stevenbrokehisanklebecausehislegswerestretchedoutbetweenthetwofrontseats,andeveryonegotprettybangedup,myselfleastofall—Iwalkedawayunscathed.Itwasaprettygnarlylittleaccident;Duff’scarwastotaledandwecouldhavebeen,too.Thatwouldhavebeenasicktwistoffate:thebanddyingtogetherafterwe’djustgottentogether.

WESTARTEDHANGINGAROUNDWITHAfewoftheseedierrock-and-rollpeopleintheL.A.scene;theywerepartofanunderbellythatthetypicalSunsetStriprockfandidn’tknowabout.OneofthecharacterswasNickyBeat,whowasthedrummerforL.A.Gunsforaminute,butmostlyspenthistimeplayinginlesser-knownglambandsliketheJoneses.Nickywasn’tnecessarilyseedybuthehadalotofseedyfriends.HealsohadarehearsalstudioinhishouseinSilverlakewherewe’dgo,setupourgear,andjam,andthatiswherethewholebandreallycametogether.Izzyhadsomethingcalled“ThinkAboutYou”thatweliked,andwerevisited“Don’tCry,”whichwasthefirstsongI’deverworkedonwithIzzy.Izzyhadanotherriffforasongcalled“OutTaGetMe”thatclickedwithmeimmediatelywhenIfirstheardit—wehadthatonedoneinnotime.AxlrememberedariffthatI’dplayedhimwhenhewaslivingoveratmymom’shouse,whichwasagesagoatthispoint:itwastheintroductionandthemainriffto“WelcometotheJungle.”Thatsong,ifanything,wasthefirstrealtunethatthebandwrotetogether.WeweresittingaroundrehearsallookingtowritesomethingnewwhenthatriffcametoAxl’smind.

“Hey,whataboutthatriffyouplayedmeawhileago?”heasked.

“Whenyouwerestayingwithme?”Iasked.

“Yeah.Itwasgood.Let’shearit.”

IstartedplayingitandinstantlyStevecameupwithabeat,Duffjoinedinwithabassline,andawaywewent.Ikeptthrowingpartsouttobuildonit:thechoruspart,thesolo,asAxlcameupwiththelyrics.

Duffwastheglueonthatsong—hecameupwiththebreakdown,thatwildrumblingbassline,andIzzyprovidedthetexture.Inaboutthreehours,thesongwascomplete.Thearrangementisvirtuallythesameasitappearsonthealbum.

WeneededanintroandIcameupwithonethatdayusingthedigitaldelayonmycheapBossguitarpedalboard.Igotmymoney’sworthoutofthatthing,becauseascrappyasitwas,thatpedalprovidedthetenseechoeffectthatsetthemoodforthatsongandeventuallythekickoffforourdebutalbum.

Alotofourearliestsongscametousalmosttooeasy.“OutTaGetMe”cametobeinanafternoon,evenfasterthan“Jungle.”Izzyshowedupwiththeriffandthebasicideaforthesongandthesecondheplayedit,thenoteshitmy

riffandthebasicideaforthesongandthesecondheplayedit,thenoteshitmyearandinspiredme.Thatonehappenedsoquickly,Ithinkthateventhemostcomplicatedsection—thedualguitarparts—werewritteninundertwentyminutes.

IhadneverbeeninabandwherepiecesofmusicthatIfoundsoinspiringcamesofluidly.Ican’tspeakfortheotherguys,butjudgingbythespeedatwhichourcollectivecreativitycametogetherIassumetheyfeltsomethingsimilar.Weseemedtosharethiscommonknowledgeandakindofsecretlanguagebackthen;itwasasifweallalreadyknewwhattheotherguywasgoingtobringintorehearsalandhadalreadywrittentheperfectparttomovethesongalong.Whenwewereallonthesamepage,itreallywasthateasy.

Slash,duringGuns’short-livedglamphase.

WEBORROWEDSHITFROMCHICKSANDinitiallywehadthattrashyglamlook,thoughalotmorerough-edged.Veryquickly,though,wegottoolazytodothemakeupandallthatsoourglamphasewasshort-lived.Plustheclotheswereaproblembecausewewerealwayschanginggirlfriends,andyouneverknewwhatthenext“she”wasgoingtohave.Besides,Idon’tthinkthatlookeverreally

suitedme—Ididn’thavetheemaciatedwhite-boylong-hairedphysique.Ditchingthewholeideaworkedtoouradvantageintheend:weweregrittier,moretraditional,andmoregenuine;moreaproductofHollywooditselfthantheL.A.glamscene.

Wewerealsothelunatic-fringerock-and-rollband.Wethrivedonbeingoutofplaceandtookeverygigwewereoffered.Wepracticedeveryday,andnewsongscamequickly;we’dtesttheminfrontofbawdycrowdsatvenueslikeMadameWong’sWest,theTroubadour,andtheWhisky.Ilookedatwhateverwedideachdayasthenextstepalongapathtowhereeverythingwaspossible.Inmyminditwassimple:ifwefocusedonnothingbutsurmountingthenearestobstacle,we’dmakeourwayfromPointAtoPointCinnotimenomatterhowgreatthedistance.

Witheveryshowthatweplayed,wemademorefans—andusuallyafewnewenemies.Itdidn’tmatter;aswedrewbiggercrowds,itwaseasiertogetgigs.Ourfans,fromthestart,werealwaysamixedbag:wehadpunks,wehadmetalheads,wehadstoners,wehadpsychos,theoddweirdo,andafewlostsouls.Theywereneveraneasilyidentifiedorquantifiablecommodity…infact,afteralloftheseyears,Iamstillatalossforasimplephrasethatputsabowonthem—whichisfinebyme.Guns’die-hardfanswere,Isuppose,kindredspirits;misfitswho’dmadetheiroutcaststatustheirstance.

Onceourprofilestartedtogrowonthelocallevel,wehookedupwithVickyHamilton,amanagerwho’dhelpedbothMötleyCrüeandPoisonintheirearlydays.Vickywasafive-footnine-inchoverweightplatinumblondewithawhinyvoicewhojustbelievedinusandproveditbypromotingusforfree.IlikedVickyalot—shewasverysincereandmeantwell;shehelpedmegetpostersforourshowsprinted,tookoutadsintheL.A.Weekly,anddealtwiththepromotersatourgigs.IworkedalongsideherdoingeverythingIcouldtofurtherourcause;withherhelp,everythingbegantoreallytakeoff.

Westartedplayingatleastonceaweek,andasourexposureincreased,sodidtheneedtogetsomenewclothes—mythreeT-shirts,myloanerleatherjacket,onepairofjeans,andonepairofleatherpantsweren’tgonnacutit.IdecidedthatIhadtodosomethingaboutittheafternoonbeforeweplayedourfirstSaturday-nightheadliningslotattheWhisky.

Ididn’thavethefinancialmeanstomakemuchhappen,soIwanderedthe

shopsinHollywoodlookingforoddsandends.IstoleaconchobeltfromaplacecalledLeathersandTreasuresthatwasblackandsilver,justliketheoneJimMorrisonalwayswore.Iplannedonwearingitwithmyjeansormypairofleatherpants(whichI’dfoundintheDumpsterofmygrandmother’soldapartmentcomplex)andcontinuedbrowsingthevariousshops.IfoundsomethinginterestinginaplacecalledRetailSlut.TherewasnowaythatIcouldaffordit,andforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwasn’tsurehowIcouldstealit—butIknewIhadtohaveit.

Alargeblacktophatdoesn’teasilyfitunderyourshirt,thoughI’vehadsomanystolenfrommeovertheyearsthatsomeonehasworkedoutaneffectivetechniquethatIdon’tknowabout.Inanycase,I’mstillnotsureifthestaffnoticedand,iftheydid,whetherornottheycaredasIblatantlysnatchedthattophatoffthemannequinandcasuallywalkedoutofthestoreandneverlookedback.Idon’tknowwhatitwas;thehatjustspoketome.

OnceIgotbacktotheapartmentIwaslivinginatthetime,Irealizedmynew“purchases”wouldbestserveeachotherbybecomingone:Icutthebelttofitthetophatandwashappywiththewayitlooked.Iwasevenhappiertodiscoverthatwithmynewaccessorypulleddownasfarasitcouldgo,Icouldseeeverythingbutnoonecouldreallyseeme.Somemightsaythataguitaristhidesbehindhisinstrumentanyway,butmyhataddedanimpenetrablecomfort.AndwhileIneverthoughtitwasoriginal,itwasmine—atrademarkthatbecameanindeliblepartofmyimage.

WHENGUNSFIRSTGOTGOINGIWASworkingatanewsstandonFairfaxandMelrose.Ilivedwithmyon-again,off-againgirlfriendYvonnefull-timeuntilshegotsickofme,atwhichpointwebrokeuponcemore,leavingmenowheretolive.Myformermanageratthenewsstand,Alison,letmecrashinherlivingroomandpayherhalfoftherent.ShewasaveryhandsomereggaechickwithanapartmentonFairfaxandOlympicwhowastakingcollegeclassesatnight.Alisonwasattractive,butIalwaysthoughtthateithershewasalittleoldformeorthatIwasalittleyoungforher;eitherway,weneverhadthatkindofrelationship.Wegotalongverywell,andwhensheleftthenewsstandforabetterjob,Iwasluckyenoughtoinheritherposition.

Alisonalwaystreatedmelikethecutestrayshe’dtakenin,andIdidlittletoproveherwrong.Ashertenant,Ididn’ttakeupmuchspace.Myworldlypossessionsweremyguitar,ablacktrunkfullofrockmagazines,cassettes,an

possessionsweremyguitar,ablacktrunkfullofrockmagazines,cassettes,analarmclock,somepictures,andwhateverclothesIownedorhadbeengivenbyfriendsandgirlfriends.Andtherewasmysnake,Clyde,inhiscage.

Anyway,thenewsstandjobcametoanabruptendinthesummerof’85whenalocalrockstation,KNEC,threwapartyoutinGriffithPark,completewithfreecharterbusesthatdepartedfromtheHyattontheSunsetStrip.IheadedoverthereafterworkwithtwopintsofJackDaniel’sinmyjeans,notgivingashitthatIwasexpectedtoopenthenewsstandupatfivethenextmorning.ItwasaprettydebauchedsummernightasIrecall;peoplepassedbottlesandjointsasthebusmadeitswayacrosstown.Therewereplentyoflocalcharactersandmusiciansonboard,andwhenwegotthere,musicplayingandabarbecue.Thegrasswasfullofpeopleengagedineverything.

IgotsofuckedupthatnightthatIbroughtagirlbacktoAlison’splaceandwasfuckingherontheliving-roomfloorwhenAlisoncamehomeandcaughtus.Shedidn’tneedtosayanything—herexpressiontoldmethatshewasn’ttoopleased.Istayedupwiththisgirlanywayuntilitwastimeformetogotowork.BythetimeIgotherdressedandonherway,Iwasalreadylateandmyboss,Jake,hadcalled.IwasinthedoghousealreadybecauseIusedthephoneatthenewsstandtoconductbandbusinesssooftenthathe’dstartedcallingduringmyshiftstocatchmeintheact,whichprovedtobedifficult.ThosewerethedaysbeforecallwaitingandIwasonthephoneconstantlysoittookJakehourstogetthroughjusttoyellatme.Needlesstosayhewasprettypissedoffaboutopeningupformethatday.

“Yeah,Jake,I’msorry,”Imumbled,stillprettydrunkwhenhecalledforthesecondtime.“IknowI’mlate,Igotheldup.ButI’monmyway.”

“Oh,you’reonyourway?”heasked.

“Yeah,Jake,I’llbetherereallysoon.”

“Noyouwon’t,”hesaid.“Don’tbother.Nottoday.Nottomorrow.Notever.”

Ipausedforaminuteandletthatsinkin.“Youknow,Jake,that’sprobablyagoodidea.”

ATTHATTIMEDUFFANDIZZYSTILLlivedacrossthestreetfromeachotheronOrangeAvenue.Duffhadaworking-class-musicianmentalitylikemine—untilthebandreallygotgoing,hedidn’tfeelrightifhedidn’thaveajob,evenifhisjobwasmorallysuspect.Hedidphonesalesorphonetheft,dependingonyourpointofview:Duffworkedasatelemarketerforoneofthosefirmsthatpromisepeopleaprizeofsomekindiftheyagreetopayasmallfee“inordertoredeemit.”IhadasimilarjobbeforeIgotmyjobintheclockfactory:I’dcallpeopleallday,promisingthemaJacuzzioratropicalvacationifthey’djust“confirm”theircredit-cardnumbertocovertheir“eligibilityfee.”Itwasanasty,cutthroatgigandIgotoutthedaybeforeitwasraidedbythepolice.

AxlandStevenwoulddoanythingnottoworkaregularjob,sotheygotbyonthestreet,orviatheirgirlfriends’handouts.Though,asIrecall,onoccasionAxlandItookjobstogetherasextrasonmoviesets.WewereinafewcrowdshotsattheL.A.SportsArenaforaMichaelKeatonmoviecalledTouchandGowhereheplayedahockeyplayer.Wedidn’tcareasmuchforthecameratimeaswedidgettingfedandmakingmoneyfordoingnothing:we’dshowupinthemorning,getourmealticket,thenfindsomewheretosleepbehindthebleacherswherewewouldn’tbefound.We’dwakeupwhentheycalledforlunchtoeatwiththerestofthecrowd,thensleepuntilitwastimetoclockoutandcollectourhundred-dollarcheck.

Ilikedbeingtheindustry’sleastindustriousextraasoftenaspossible:Ifoundabsolutelynothingwrongwithfreelunchandanafternoonofbeingpaidtosleep.IlookedforwardtothesamewhenIwasscoutedbyacastingdirectorforthefilmSidandNancy.Unbeknownsttoanyofus,thesamecastingdirectorinvariouslocales,scoutedeverysinglememberofGunsN’Rosesindividually.Allofusshoweduptothefirstdayofcasting,like,“Hey…whatareyoudoinghere?”

Itwasn’tmuchfun;actually,itwaslikejuryduty:therewasapenfullofextras,butallfiveofuswerechosentobeinthesameconcertscene,where“theSexPistols”areplayingsomesmallclub.Theshootrequiredshowingupearlyinthemorning,forthreeconsecutivedays,withtheusualpromiseofamealticketandahundredbuckseachday.Athree-daycommitmentwastoomuchfortheotherguys.Intheend,Iwastheonlyoneofuspatheticenoughtoshowupfortheduration.

Fuckthem,Ihadablast;forthreedays,theyshotthese“SexPistols”concertscenesattheStarwood,aclubthatIknewinsideandout.I’dshowupinthe

scenesattheStarwood,aclubthatIknewinsideandout.I’dshowupinthemorning,clockinandgetmymealticket,thendisappearintothebowelsoftheStarwoodandgetdrunkonJimBeamallbymyself.Whiletheotherextrasweredoingtheirpartplayingaudiencemembersdownonthefloorinfrontofthestage,Iwatchedtheproceedingsfromahiddencornerofthemezzanine—andgotpaidthesamewage.

ASGUNSBECAMEACLUBBANDTOBEreckonedwith,afewridiculousL.A.managersstartedtocircleuslikesharks,claimingthattheyhadwhatittooktomakeusstars.AtthispointwehadamicablyandtemporarilypartedwayswithVickyHamilton,sowewereopentooffers,butmostofthosethatwegotwerejustretarded.OneofthemoreconvincingexamplesofhowlowthosetypeswillgoandwhatwouldbeinstoreforusshouldwemakethatmistakecamecourtesyofKimFowley,theinfamouscharacterwhomanagedtheRunawaysthewayPhilSpectormanagedtheRonettes;basicallyjustalegalizedformofindenturedservitude.Kimgaveushisbestlines,butthemomenthetalkedabouttakingapercentageofourpublishingandmakingalong-termcreativecommitmenttohim,itwasclearwhathehadinmind.HisbullshitanddemeanorspokeforthemselvesbecauseKimwastoooddofaguytofakeit.

Ilikedhimnonethelessandwashappytohangoutandbeentertainedbyhim—aslongashedidn’tgettooclose.Therestofuswerethesamekindofanimal:willingtotakeadvantageofeverythingsomeonemighthavetoofferwithoutmakinganypromiseswe’dhavetokeep.AxlwouldhangoutaslongastheconversationwasworthwhilebecauseAxlisagoodtalker.Stevenwasthereiftherewerechicksinvolved.AndIwaswillingtoconsumeallofthefreeDenny’smeals,cigarettes,drinks,anddrugsinexchangefortheconversationIhadtoputupwith.Oncethefactorsthathaddrawnusinwereexhausted,onebyone,we’dmakeourexit.

KimintroducedustoaguynamedDaveLiebert,whowasAliceCooper’stourmanagerforatimeandhadworkedwithParliament-Funkadelic,onlyGodknowswhen,andthosetwowereintentonsigningusasateam,andtakingusforallwewereworth.KimtookmeovertoDave’shousetomeethimonenightandIrememberDaveshowingushisgoldrecords.Hisattitudewas“Hey,kid,thiscouldbeyou.”Iassumeheintendedtoenticemefurtherbyinvitingtwogirlsover,whowereyoungenoughtobehisdaughters,thatspentthenightshootingspeedinthebathroom.Davedraggedmeinthereatonepointandit

seemedlikethesechickshadnoideawhattheyweredoing.TheyweresoineptthatIwantedtograbtheneedleandinjectthemmyself.Davewasintoitand,intheunbearablefluorescentlightofthatbathroom,strippeddowntohisunderwearandfooledaroundwiththesegirls—whowerenineteenatbest—andinvitedmetojoinin.Irememberthinkingthatofallthereasonswhythisscenewassoveryscummy,thelightingwasworstofall.ThethoughtofthisguymanagingourbandandKimFowleywithhiscollectionofprehistoricgoldrecordsmadeitnearlyimpossiblenottojustlaughhystericallyrightinhisface.Itwouldhavebeenprofessionalsuicidebeforeweeverhadsomethingtolose.We’dneverstandachanceifthemanagementwasasdebaucherousastheband,anyway.

ASGUNSKEPTREHEARSING,WRITING,andgigging,workingtodefinewhowewere,Istartedgoingoutmore.SuddenlytherewereactuallybandsIwantedtoseebecausefinallythescenewaschanging:therewerebandslikeRedKrosswhowereaglamband,butweregritty,andattheotherendofthespectrum,therewerebandslikeJane’sAddictionwhoweregreatandthatIrelatedtobutIwasn’tonthesamepagewith.Weplayedshowswithsomeofthosemoreobscure,artybands—IrememberagigattheStardustBallroom—buttheyneverquitecameoffright.Weweren’tconsideredhipbythebandsinthatscene,becausetheythoughtofusasaglamoutfitfromtheTroubadoursideoftownmorethanweeverreallywere.Whatthosebandsdidn’tknowisthatwewereprobablydarkerandmoresinisterthantheywere.Nordidtheyrealizethatwecouldnotfuckingstandourpeersontheothersideoftown.

Infact,asourpopularitygrew,webegantowagewarwiththebandson“our”sideoftown.Weneverwentoutofourwaytofuckwiththem,butafterawhileeverybodyweplayedwithwasscaredofusbecauseAxlgotareputationforbeingvolatileandflyingoffthehandleatanygivenmoment.I’dbeenoutwithhimseveralnightswherewegotintothesefuckingmajorfightswithtotalstrangersfornorealreasonthatIcanrecall.AsfarasAxlwasconcerned,theredefinitelywasagoodreasonforit,butasfarasIcouldtell,wewerejustfightingpeopleinthestreet—literallyinthestreet—becausesomeonehadlookedathimthewrongwayorsaidthewrongthing.AlthoughImustadmit…itwasahellofalotoffun.

I’dsaythatmylifelostalltraceofastable,“regular”existenceonceIwasfiredfrommyjobatthenewsstand.AsImentionedearlier,I’dbeenlivingwith

firedfrommyjobatthenewsstand.AsImentionedearlier,I’dbeenlivingwithAlison,myformermanageratthatjob,literallyrentingspaceonherliving-roomfloor,butonceIgotfired,hercharityandmyregularpaycheckdriedup.Withnowheretolive,Ipackedupmysnake,myguitar,andmyblacktrunkandmovedintoGuns’rehearsalspace,whereAxlandIsoonbecamepermanentresidents.Izzy,Steven,andDuffhadgirlfriendsthattheycrashedwith—IzzyandDuffevenhadapartmentsoftheirown.AxlandIweretheonlytwowithnowhereelsetogo.

Ourrehearsal“studio”wasprettyraw;itwasoneofthreestorageunitsinabuildingoffSunsetandGardnerthatweremeanttohouseboxesorcars,notpeople.Thefrontdoorwasacorrugatedaluminumroll-uplikethekindyoufindonacheapgarage,thefloorwassealedconcrete,andweweretheonlyrenterswhochosetomakeourfifteen-by-twenty-footspaceintoaresidence.Thebuildingcamecompletewithacommunalbathroomaboutfiftyyardsaway,butmostoften,Ipreferredtopissinthebushesacrossthealleyfromour“foyer.”WecalledtheplacetheSunsetandGardnerHotelandVillas.

Ourrehearsalspacehadnobusinessmasqueradingasalivingspacebecauseitwasn’tevenmeanttobearehearsalspace—itwasbarelyevenadecentstoragespace.

Eventually,Izzydecidedthatattheleast,AxlandIshouldhaveaproperbed,sooneday,heandStevenfoundsometwo-by-foursandbuiltamakeshiftqueen-sizeloftoverthedrumkit.Itwasaswelcomeaninnovationastheflushtoilethadbeenineighteenth-centuryEngland.Wehadoneotherimplementthatmadeourband“apartment”moreofahome—acharcoalhibachigrillthatoneofuseitherstoleorbought.Ineverusedit,becauseasmuchasIappreciatefinecuisine,I’veneverbeenbotheredtotrymyhandatit,butsomehowStevenandIzzycouldturnoutverydecentmealsonthatthing.

Wewereindustriousaboutwritingsongsandrehearsingeverydayinthere,butsinceAxlandIlivedtherefull-time,ourpracticespacesoonbecameanout-of-the-way,off-the-maplate-nightdestinationwithnohouserules.Onatypicalnight,oneofuswouldbegettinglaidintheloftoroutintheopen,anotheroneofusmightbepassedoutbetweenanampandthedrumkit,andusuallyassortedfriendsweredrinkinganddoingdrugsinthealleyuntilthesuncameup.Wewrotealotofgoodsongsinthatgarage,inspiredbyoursurroundings.“NightTrain,”“MyMichelle,”and“RocketQueen”amongthem.

“NightTrain”waspiecedtogetherfromafewdifferentmoments.I

“NightTrain”waspiecedtogetherfromafewdifferentmoments.IrememberfirstworkingonthemainriffofthatsongwithIzzy,sittingthereonthedankfloorofthatplace,justbeforeImovedoutofAlison’s.Wedidn’tknowwherethesongwasgoingandwedidn’thaveanykindofsubjectinmind,butthegroovewassorightandwelockedinandfeltitout.IrememberfeelingabitoffandthenextdayIcamedownwithabadcaseofstrepthroat.IwaslaidupsickonAlison’scouchfortwodaysbutintheinterim,IzzyplayedDuffwhatwe’ddoneandDuffworkedonit,fillingoutthegrooveandmakingourriffsintoaproperinstrumental.

Noneofushadanywordsinmindforthispieceofmusic,butwewereveryinspiredbyitanditfloatedaroundintheband’sconsciousnessuntilitfoundtheappropriatevessel,whichhappenedtobeacelebrationofourfavoritedrink,NightTrain.

OnenightwewerewalkingupPalmAvenue,whichwasaninfamousstreetinourworldbecausemorethanafewsleazychickslivedthere,afewjunkiegirlsweknewlivedthere,andsodidLizzyGrey,theguitaristinLondon.Wespentalotoftimeonthatblockinthosedays,becauseweknewafewtoomanycharactersinthatneighborhood,soeverytimewefoundourselveswalkingoverthereweknewitwasthestartofsomething.ThatnightweweresharingabottleofNightTrain,a“wine”thatisabout18percentstrongandbackthencouldbeboughtforlessthantwobucksabottle.Itisthecheapestlow-rentwinethatmoneycouldbuyandwedrankitlikecrazywhenevernooneelsewaspaying.Itmightnotsoundlikemuch,butit’sdefinitelyatrip;unlessyou’vetriedit,youprobablywon’tunderstandwhywefoundourselvesimprovisinglyricsinitshonoraswewanderedupPalmAve.

Ican’trememberwhostartedit,butsomeoneburstoutwiththechorus:“I’montheNightTrain!”WealljoinedinandkeptgoingasAxlimprovisedallofthelinesinbetween:“Bottomsup!”“Fillmycup!”“Lovethatstuff!”and“I’mreadytocrashandburn!”

Itcametousinoneofthoseamazingmoments,justlike“ParadiseCity.”“NightTrain”wasananthemthatwecameupwithonthespot,notevenknowinghowmuchitreallycapturedusaswewereatthatmomentintime.Inthesameveinas“Paradise,”thereisaninnocentqualitytothatsong;it’sanurseryrhymealmost,acutemelodysungbykidsonaplayground…sinisterkidswhoseplaygroundisaseedybackalley.

Thatsongreallygotallofusfiredup.Idon’trememberifwegottoitlaterthatnightbackattherehearsalgarageorthenextmorning,butwithinaday,wehaditallworkedout.Axlgotthelyricsdown,wesmoothedoutallofthepartsandthatwasit.Wetesteditoutatournextclubdateanditworked.Itreallyworked.Thatsonghasarhythmtoitintheversesthatfromthestartalwaysmademegocrazy.Thefirsttimeweplayedit,even,Ijuststartedjumpingupanddown—Icouldn’thelpit.Whenwehadourhugestagemuchlateron,I’drunthelengthofit,jumpofftheamplifiers,andloseitjustabouteverysingletimeweplayedit.I’mnotsurewhy,butnoothersongwe’veeverplayedlivemadememovelikethat.

Therewasonemoreclassicthatwewrotebackthereinthatgarage:“MyMichelle.”Themusicoriginatedthere,Ithinkoverthecourseofafewafternoons.IbelieveIzzyandIcameupwiththebasicstructure,andthen,asusual,Duffcamethroughwithexactlywhatthesongneededtoevolve.Inanycase,Ididn’twritethewords,butIdefinitelyknowwhatthey’reabout.ThesubjectofthesongisMichelleYoung,whowasfriendswithmyfirstgirlfriend,Melissa.Iknewthebothofthemallthroughjuniorhigh,wellbeforeGunswasevenanidea,letaloneareality.

Thethingis,becauseoffriendsofminelikeMarkMansfieldandRonSchneiderwhowerestillclosetomeandpartofthemusicscenetoadegree,atthetime,manyofmyoldfriendsbecameinvolvedintheGunsN’Rosesuniverseonceitgotgoing.Becauseofourcommonfriends,IreestablishedconnectionswithpeopleIhadn’tseensinceI’dleftschool,andmanyofthemgotsuckedintoourworld—forbetter,andmostlyforworse.

Michellewasoneofthem;evenwhenwewerekidsshewasalwaysanutcase.Whenshestartedfrequentingourcircles,sheendeduphookingupwithAxlandtheyhadabriefromanticinterlude.Hewrotethoselyricsaboutherlife,whichtellsthefactsofherupbringingverbatim.Herdadwasdefinitelyinvolvedinthepornbusinessandhermomwasapillpopperanddrugaddictwhoeventuallycommittedsuicide.ButhavingmyformerschoolfriendwithwhomI’dsharedcigarettesinthebathroombackinjuniorhighbecomethesubjectofoneofourmoreintensesongswassomethingelse.IaskedAxlaboutitoneday,becauseIcouldn’timaginetheMichelleIknewbeinghappyabouthavingherstorymadepublic.

“Hey,Axl,”Isaidtohimatrehearsalafterwe’drunthroughthesong,“don’tyouthinkMichelleisgoingtobeoffended?”

youthinkMichelleisgoingtobeoffended?”

“Whywouldshe?”hesaid.“It’sallfuckingtrue.”

“Yeahitis,butIdon’tknowifit’sgoingtobecoolifyousayallthosethings.Can’tyouchangeitabit?”

“No,”hesaid.“It’sthetruth.Evenifshedoesn’tlikeit,I’mgoingtodoitanyway.”

Iexpectedtheworst;eventhoughwehadnothingtosuefor,IexpectedMichelletocomeafterusinsomeway.Iatleastexpectedhertohatethesongandbemortifiedbyhavingherbusinesshungouttherelikethat.Iwasvery,verywrong:fromthemomentweplayedthatsonglivethroughtowhenwerecordeditforouralbum,Michellelovedtheattentionitbroughther.Backthenitwasthebestthingthateverhappenedtoher.ButlikesomanyofourfriendsthatweredrawnintothedarkcircleofGunsN’Roses,shecameinonewayandwentoutanother.Mostofthemendedupeithergoingtojailorrehaborboth(orworse),butI’mhappytosaythatshe’samongthosewhoturnedtheirlivesaroundbeforeitwastoolate.MorethanafewofourfriendseventuallymovedtoMinneapolis…maybethathadsomethingtodowithit.

“RocketQueen”wasinspiredbyariffIcameupwithwhenIfirstmetDuff.Itwasoneofthemorecomplicatedarrangementsonwhatbecameouralbum,mostlybecausewehadtointegratetheriffwithAxl’smoremelodicchorus.ThesongisbasedonourmutualfriendBarbie,whoevenateighteenhadanotoriousreputation.Shewasadrugaddictandaqueenoftheundergroundscenebackthen.She’deventuallybecomeamadam,butAxlwasinfatuatedwithheratthetime.Ihearshehasmanagedtosurviveafteralltheseyears.

Iwaspulledunder,Ipassedoutcold,andfelloffthechairandwokeupsprawledacrossthefloorhourslateratdaybreak

ITWASDURINGTHISPERIODOFWRITINGandrehearsingattheSunsetandGardnerHotelandVillasthatIstartedtonoticesomethingdifferentaboutSteven.Hewouldshowuptorehearsalalittletooelastic;heseemedlikehewasdrunkbuthewasn’tdrinkinganything.Icouldn’tquitefigureitoutbecausehisplayingwasfine,soIwasintrigued.StevenwasdatingagirlwholivedwitharoommateonGardnerjustdownthestreetfromourrehearsalspace.Istartedtogoovertherewithhimeverynightafterweweredonepracticingandfoundittobea

prettyheavyscene:itwasliketimestoppedwhenyouwalkedthroughthedoor;everythingmovedvery,veryslowly.

IgottoknowSteve’sgirlfriendandherroommate,agirlsowhackedoutthatitbrokemyheart.Ihavetoadmit,Ialsothoughtshewascute,soIstartedseeingher,andthoughIwasawarethatshewasonsomething,Iwasn’tawareofwhatitwas.I’dgoovertherewithStevenafterrehearsalandthefourofuswouldlistentotheStones’GoatsHeadSoupallnightlongwhileIwatchedthemnoddingoffallovertheplace.Itfinallydawnedonmethatheroinmightbethecatalystforeverybody’ssubduedstate.Atfirst,noneofthemdiditinfrontofme,soIfigureditoutlaterratherthansooner.Buteveniftheyhad,Iwouldn’thavetrieditbecauseatthatpointheroinhadnoappealtome.Ididn’tknowmuchaboutit,andwhatIsawdidn’tmakemewanttotryitatall.Whywouldit?

TheroommatewasoneofthoseuselessL.A.stories:shewaseighteenornineteen;arichgirlwhohadtakenherfamily’smoneyanddoneeverythinginherpowertothrowitintheirface.Intheprocessshe’dfuckedherselfupprettygood,andshe’dcomplaintonoendabouthowherlifewasashamblesandhowitwasallherfamily’sfault.Hersolutionwastopissandmoanuntilshecouldn’ttakeitanymore,thengethighandseeksolaceinnoddingout,which,needlesstosay,gotinthewayofherlimited,yetplannedeffortstorepairhersituation.Thismoviecamecompletewiththeearly-morningscenewherehermotherarrivesunannouncedtoconfrontherandofcourseImadethemistakeofgettinginthemiddleoftheirhorribleargument.

Ididn’tsaymuch,buthermotherwasconvincedthatIwasthecauseofherdaughter’scondition.ThetruthisthatIwastheonlyoneinherscenenotonheroin.Hermotherleftthatdayhatingmeandleavingherdaughterbehind,buteventuallyshewonout:thatgirlsoondisappeared.Afterthat,Steven’sgirlfriendmovedout,too,andneitherofuseversaweitherofthemagain.

UpuntilIwatchedStevenandthegirlsdoitandeventuallydiditmyself,allthatIknewofheroinweretheantidrugmoviesI’dseeninschoolandtheplotofTheFrenchConnection,whichcenteredonPopeyeDoyle’smaniacaleffortstostoptheimportofaFrenchcartel’shugeshipmentofit.AtthatpointIhadnoideathatallofmyheroeswereonheroin.ButI’dsoonfindout.Itcreptintomylifelikeivyupawall.

IzzyandIwereatNickyBeat’srehearsalstudiobackin1984,whenIfirst

IzzyandIwereatNickyBeat’srehearsalstudiobackin1984,whenIfirstchasedthedragonwithhim,suckingupthesmokethatrosefromthefoilthroughastrawasweheateditup.Allitleftmefeelingwasqueasyandnotveryhighatall.Ididn’tgettheinstantbuzz,soIlostinterestinitquick;feelingsickwasnotmyideaofagoodtime.Izzywascool;hecouldsmokeitandgetcompletesatisfactionthatway.

AfewmonthslaterImainlinedforthefirsttimeandthatwasallshewrote;afterthat,I’dneverdoitanyotherwaythanstraightintomybloodstream.Iwasjustlikeeveryothercheap-thrilluser;IwanteditfastandIwanteditnow.I’veneverbeenabletogethighdoingitanyotherwaythanwithaneedle.IfIcan’t,I’drathernotbother;it’sawasteofdrugs,awasteoftime,andaconsciousdecisiontobeinefficient.Ihadtriedtodoitthewayitissupposedtobedone;theancientcivilizedmethodofchasingthedragonaccordingtoChinesecustom,butthatdidn’tworkforme.TheChinesewerecool,collected,andcomposedaboutheroin,inthesamewaytheywereaboutopium.Theintravenousmethodwasdevelopedmuchlater,intheWest,oncepeoplebeganusingmorphinerecreationally.Needlesweresoughtoutfortheinstantgratificationfactorandthatiswhatstreetpeoplewereafter.InAmerica,inthecowboydaysoftheWildWest,morewomendiditthanmen,allofthemusingneedles,mostofthemhookersandbarmaids.

Onenightreallycanchangeyourlifeandthiswasthenightthatchangedmine.I’vethoughtaboutthisalotandI’msurethatitwasprobablybecauseofalltheJimBeamIdrank.Wewereinsomechick’sapartmentIendedupatwithIzzy.Iwasathervanitytable,inherbathroom;itwasverydimlylit,verydruggy.Shetiedmeoff,loadeditup,shotit…andawaveengulfedmefromsomewheredeepwithinmystomach.IgotthishugerushandthatwasallthatIremembered.Iwaspulledunder,Ipassedoutcold,andfelloffthechairandwokeupsprawledacrossthefloorhourslateratdaybreak.Ittookmeasecondtofigureoutwhathadhappened:therewasabottleofJimBeamnexttomethatI’dbeendrinkingandforamomentIforgotaltogetherthat’dI’ddoneheroin.

IlookedthroughthedoorwayandsawIzzyandthegirlasleepinthebedandthatwaswhenIrealizedthatIfeltsomehow…different.Iwasn’tsurewhatitwas,asidefromthefactthatitwasn’tfamiliar.Itwasallfine,though,becauseIwasinthebestmood.WhenIzzyandthegirlwokeupwehungoutandIwasjustsocontent,sohappy,andentirelyatpeacewitheverything.Izzyfeltexactlythesameway.

Thegirl’sapartmentwewereinwasoffWilshireneardowntownL.A.andweleftherthatmorningwithoutaworryintheworld.Thefuturelookedbrighteventhoughwedidn’thaveanyprospectsatthetime.Asmorningcameoverthecity,wewanderedallthewaybackupintoMelroseincentralHollywoodandthat’swhenIgotthebrightideathatweshouldgovisitthisgirlIknew.ShewasareallyattractivegirlwhowenttoFairfaxHighwhohadacrushonme.ThoughIdidn’tknowherallthatwell,Ididknowthathermomwasatworkeveryday,sowewentovertoherplaceandhungoutandlistenedtotheBeatlesallafternoon.Shehadabiggirliebedwithafluffycomforterandthesunlightcameintoherroominacertainway;thewholespacewasveryairyandwhiteandpinkandsoft.

IzzyandIgotthereandfelloutandlistenedtomusic.Iwasinlovewiththesong“DearPrudence.”“Revolution”into“DearPrudence”seemedtobeeverythingthatmatteredintheworld.“NorwegianWood,”thatwasgood,too.Wehungoutthereforthebetterpartoftheday,thenleft.Onthewayhome,wheneverwestoppedwalking,Iwouldfallintothatblissfulnoddingstatethatheroinbrings.IrealizedthatthebuzzI’dgottenhadlastedthewholedaylong.

ThisisthebestthingI’veeverdone,Ithoughttomyself.Nothingwaseverlikethis.

Iwasnineteenyearsold.

OURREHEARSALSPACE/MYANDAXL’Sapartmentwaswherethebandheadedwithourstragglersintowattheendofthenight.Itwaswherewe’dgoafterwe’dplayedashowandwhateverclubitwashadclearedusout.Asourfanbasegrew,thisritualbecameanunwisepropositionthatwasn’tgoingtoendwellbutweengagedinitanyway.TheVillasweredeepenoughintothecrosssectionofHollywoodanddowntownthatnoonebuthookersanddrugaddictswerehangingaroundafterdark—ourneighborswerenine-to-fivebusinessesoneachsidewiththeexceptionoftheGardnerElementarySchoolrightbehindus,whosehoursweremorelikeeighttothree.Itwaseasyforfiftyormorepeopletopartyallnight,shootingsmack,smokingpot,andbreakingbottlesagainstthewallwithoutanytroublefromthepolice.Soonthatscenegrewenoughtofillourspace,thealley,andtheentireparkinglotnexttothebuilding:peoplewithliquorinbrownpaperbagscouldbefoundengaginginillegalandsordidactivities,lessthanfiftyyardsoffSunsetBoulevardatanyhourofthenight.

We’dbeuppastdawn,butwhenthekidswouldstartfilingintotheelementaryschoolinthemorning,usuallywestartedtowindthingsdown.Luckilytherewasnointeractionbetweenoursceneandtheirs,althoughtheirplaygrounddidendatthebackofour“studio”building.

Anotherbandusedthestorage/rehearsalspacenextdoortousandwecouldneverremembertheirname…oh,wait,theywerecalledtheWild.DizzyReedwasinthatbandplayingkeyboards,andthatishowheandAxlmetandbecamefriends.TheWildwereatypicalrockbandofthedaythatIneverwenttosee;Ialsoneverpaidmuchattentiontohowtheyplayed.Idid,however,partywiththem.Ourentirerehearsal-spacelifewasascenedefinedbythesetwobandspartyingallnight,everynightinadingypartoftown.

Thelevelofdebauchery,forourpartatleast,gotprettyoutrageous.IrememberbeingupinthebunkonenightafterashowwithIzzyandsomegirl.Weweretakingturnshavingsexwithher,butIzzywasn’twearingprotection,sowhenhepulledout,hefuckingcameonmyleg,sinceIwasrightthereontheothersideofher.Thatdefinitelystoppedmeinmytracks.Isatup,lookedoverathim,andsaid,“Hey!Izzy…man.We’vegottogetabiggerplace.”

Ascenethatoutofboundswasn’tgoingtolast,andwhenitcrasheditdidsoverydramatically.Afteroneparticulargig,asusual,ourfriendsandwhoeverelsewasintheclubcamebacktotearitupatourplacewellintotheearlymorning.Now,mostofthegirlswhochosetopartyinouralleywayuntilsixorsevena.m.weren’tthesharpestpencilsinthebox;butthisparticularnightoneofthemlostitcompletely.Mymemoryoftheeventsishazy,butfromwhatIremembershehadsexwithAxlupintheloft.Towardtheendofthenight,maybeasthedrugsandboozeworeoff,shelosthermindandfreakedoutintensely.Axltoldhertoleaveandtriedthrowingherout.Iattemptedtohelpmediatethesituationtogetheroutquietly,butthatwasn’thappening.

Aboutaweeklater,Stevenwastherewhenthecopsstormedinandturnedtheplaceupsidedown.Theybrokeafewpiecesofequipmentsearchingforcontrabandandhassledanybodyassociatedwithusinanyway;theythreatenedStevenwitharrestifhedidn’ttellthemwheretofindAxlandmebecausewewerewantedforallegedlyrapingthatgirl.Stevengotintouchwithusandwarnedus,sowestayedawayfromhomefortherestoftheday.Iheadedbacktherethenextmorning;itwasrainingandunseasonablycold,andIfoundIzzywhenIgotthere,pickinghiswaythroughthemessthatthecopshadleftbehind.

IwascompletelypuzzledbecauseIhadn’tdoneathingthatIcouldthinkof—Ihardlyspoketothegirlinquestionthatnight,norhadanybodyelse.

Itwasabadsituation,soItookmycueandsplit;IgrabbedafewthingsandheadedofftohideoutwithStevenathisnewgirlfriendMonica’sapartment,whichwaswithinwalkingdistance.MonicawasaSwedishpornstarwho’dtakenSteveninandIcouldn’thaveaskedforabetterplacetolaylowbecauseweusedtohaveawesomethreesomes.Monicawasgreat,shewasareallywonderfulhostessthatway,plusshehadaphone,soIwasabletoreceiveconstantupdatesonourlegalsituation.Generally,thenewswasn’tgood:thiswasarealsituation—AxlandIwerechargedwithfelonyrape.Thefuturelookedgrimandtheband’sprogresshaltedimmediately.

Thegirl’sparentshadcontactsintheLAPD,andintendedtopresschargestothefullest.AxltookofftoOrangeCountyandhidoutatsomegirl’splaceforafewweeks,whileIstayedwithStevenandMonica.Forfearofarrest,wedidn’tbookgigsandmaintainedalowprofile.Thetruthwas,Axlhaddefinitelyhadsexwiththegirl,butithadbeenconsensualandnoonehadrapedher.FormypartIhadn’teventouchedher!Whenwegotourwitsaboutusafterafewweeks,wedealtwiththesituationthroughtheproperchannels.

AxlreturnedtoL.A.andthetwoofusmovedinwithVickyHamiltonandherroommate,JenniferPerry,andVickyhiredalawyertohandleourcase.I’msureVickyregrettedtakingusinimmediately:AxlandItookoverthelivingroominherquaintone-bedroomapartment,andbetweentheemptyliquorbottlesandtheceaselessparadeofcharactersthatseemedtotrailalongbehinduswhereverwewent,overnightweconverteditintoacompletemess.Axlsleptonthecouch,Isleptonthefloor,andwhatwasoncealivingroomlookedlikeabombhadhitit.Thekitchenwasafuckingdisaster;withinaweekthereweredishesandtrashpiledamilehigh.LuckilyI’dconvincedmyex-girlfriendYvonnetowatchmysnake,Clyde,forawhile.Thecasewenttocourt,butsomewherealongtheline,thechargesagainstmeweredropped.Axl,however,didhavetogethimselfasuitandfacethejudge,butoncethetestimonywasgiven,thechargesweredroppedandthatwasit.

WELOSTWHATSEEMEDLIKEAYEAROFourlivesgettingclearofthatlegalissue,becauseuntilthen,everydayhadmovedusforwardwithferociousintensity.Afterthatincident,wevacatedourgaragerehearsalspace,andstartedplaying

outandworkingonnewsongsagain.OurfriendsDannyandJoewerestillinthepicture;Danny’sgreenOldsmobilewasstillourbandtransportation.DannywasagreatguywithaJamesDeanhaircutandaverycool,confidentvibe.HeandIbecamedrugbuddies,too:onceIgotintoheroin,wewoulddrivethatgreenbeastalloverL.A.lookingforsmack.

Joewasourroadieandmyguitartechbackthen,thoughhewasprettylousy:IrememberheadliningattheRoxyandoneofJoe’sdutieswastobringmeaslideduringthesolosectionof“RocketQueen,”butbythetimeheactuallygottheslideonmyfingerthesolowasover.IwassopissedoffthatIphysicallykickedhimoffstage.Butallwasforgivenlateron,becauseJoewasaloyal,true-bluekindofguythatanyonewouldwanttokeeparound.Joewasalwaystheonetobackanyofusupwhenthingsgotstickyanddedicationlikethatcan’tbebought.

Weweren’tatallliketheotherbandsplayingclubsonthestrip;wegenerallydidn’tcarewhattheyweredoing.Wedid,however,asfarasotherbandswent,haveanunspokendisregardforPoison,becausetheywerethebiggestlocalbandontheblockandtheepitomeofeverythingthatwehatedabouttheL.A.musicscene.Wewerescheduledtoshareafewbillswiththematdifferentpoints,earlyinourcareer,buteachtimesomethingmajorwentwrong.Ibelieveoncetheydidn’tshowupatallandwewereforcedtoplaytwosetstocoverforthem,andIthinkanothertimethepromoterpulledthegigatthelastminutebecauseofsomeshadymoveontheirpart.

OneofourmorememorablegigsfromthiserawasanoutdoorfestivalcalledtheStreetScenethattookplaceonsixorsevenstagesindowntownLosAngelesthatoccupiedacircuitofcityblocks.Itwasourfirsttimeplayingit,Ianditwas1983,andwewerescheduledtoopenforFear,theonlyL.A.punkbandthatIreallycaredabout.WedrovedownthereinDanny’sOldsmobileandwereunloadingourgearinthedesignatedbandparkinglotwhenwenoticedaseaofpeoplerunningourway.Wecontinuedtounloadaspeoplesprintedpastus,literallyasfastastheycould—fromwhat,wehadnoidea.ItwasasifGodzillawascomingoraguyhadsetoffashotgunbehindthem.Wecouldn’tseewhattheproblemwasuntilwefinallygotcloseenoughtothestagetorealizetherewasnostage;Fear’sfanshadoverzealouslyriotedandtornitdownbeforethebandevenwenton.

Ourmanager,Vicky,andIwanderedaroundthishugemessinanattempttofindusaslotsomewhereontheday-longbill.Wepushedourwayfromstageto

findusaslotsomewhereontheday-longbill.Wepushedourwayfromstagetostagetalkingtotheorganizers,lookingforanopeninguntilwefoundone—playingafterSocialDistortion.Itdidn’tsoundlikethebestidea,followingaloyallybelovedlocalpunkband,butitactuallyturnedouttobeoneofthegreatestgigsweeverdid.

TheaudiencewasfullonpunkandstillbloodthirstyafterjusthavingseenSocialDistortion.Wegotupthereandrippedintoourset,andwithinthefirstthirtyseconds,theshowbecameaspittingcontestbetweenusandthefirstfiverows:theirfansfuckingspitonus,sowejustspitonthemback.Itwashilariousandmemorablysickening:IremembergoingovertoIzzy’ssideofthestageandstandingtherebesidehimspittingbackandforthwiththesepeoplebecausethat’sthekindofbandwewere.Wewereverytenacious,sonomatterwhatanycrowdeverdid,wealwaysturneditonthem.Bytheendofourset,thisdisgustingwarofthewillsbecamefuckingfun.Weendedupwithgreenphlegmalloverus,andconsideringthatitwaswarmout,notonlywasIshirtless,buttheheatcookedthespitandmadeitstarttosmellprettybad.Itdidn’tmatter,Iwasimpenetrable:inthemomenttheenergyofitalltookover.

ThenexttimeweplayedtheStreetScenewasmemorable,too,onamuchdifferentlevel.Thatgo-roundwewerescheduledtoopenforPoison,whowereheadliningoneofthebiggerstages.Itwasgoingtobeourbiggesthigh-profilegigtodate,andwewereveryreadytoblowPoisonoffthestage.Intheendwedidn’tevenhaveto:wegotupthereandplayed,andeverybodywentnuts,climbingthescaffoldingandpushingthestagetoandfroinexcitement.Bythetimeweweredone,thefiremarshalsdecidedtoclosetheplacedown.IrememberseeingPoisonrollupinalltheirglitter,readytogoonbutunableto.Iwasquitepleasedtoseethemalldressedupwithnostagetoplay.

SO…BACKTOHEROIN.INTHEWEEKSthatfollowedthatfirsttimewithIzzywhenwe’dspenttheafternooninthatpinkbedroomofthatgirlfromFairfaxHigh,Idevelopedanewinterest.AndIwasdead-settoenjoythehoneymoonphase.

Yvonnewastheonlyonewhoshowedanyrealconcernformywell-beingatthatpointbecauseshewasfromanotherworldentirely.FromherpointofviewitwaseasytoseethatIwastakingacasualstrollintotheabyss.Ourrelationshiphadbeenonandoffforawhile,butshecalledmeonedayandaskedmetomeetherforlunchatMel’sonSunset.Icouldtellthatshewassuspicious;assoonaswesatdown,shestartedinterrogatingmeinasubtleway,tryingtofigureout

wesatdown,shestartedinterrogatingmeinasubtleway,tryingtofigureoutwhereIwasat,whatIwasupto,whoIwashangingwith,whatIwasdoing.Thebandwasdoinggreat,butinhermindwewerestillalittleL.A.clubthing—shedidn’tseewhatIsawatall.Atthesametime,Yvonneknewmeverywell,andsheknewhowambitiousIwas,soI’msureshehadfaithinwhatIhadplanned.Whatshecouldn’tputherfingeronwaswhyIwasn’tmyusualself—andthatanswerwasobvious,butIwasn’tgoingtotellher.

IrememberherdroppingmeoffonthecornerofClarkandSunsetandgoinguptoVicky’sapartment,whereIwasstillcrashingonthefloor.Ididn’tturnaroundbutIfeltlikeshewaslookingatme;Ifeltlikesheknewsomethingwasup.AweekorsolatershecalledmeoveratVicky’splace,whichwaswayoutofline.Shesaiditwasimportant,shesaidthathergrandfatherhaddiedandthatshewassoupsetthatsheneededtoseeme.Sheaskedmetocomeoverthatafternoon.Beingthecompassionateex-boyfriendthatIwas,Ididn’tthinktwice—shepickedmeupandwewentbacktoherhouse,allthewhiletalkingabouttherecentlydeparted.

Whenwegotthere,itwasprobablyaboutsixp.m.andwewentintoherbedroom.Itookmyusualpositionatthecornerofherbed,justwatchingTVandtakingmycuesfromher.Thedoorbellrangsuddenly.

“It’sprobablymymom,”shesaid,andlefttheroom.

Tenminuteswentby,thenthedooropenedagain.WhenitdidIsawtwopeopleI’dnotseeninthesameroomintenyears:myparents.Myattentionwascaptured.

Yvonnecameinandstartedfeedingmymomanddadherinterpretationofwhatwasgoingonwithme,whichwasveryoverdramatic;ifanything,shesoundedlikethenarratorinoneoftheantidrugfilmsI’dseeninschool,oratleastthemaincharacterinanafter-schoolspecialwhosebestfriendisoutofcontrol.Myparentswerelisteningandstudyingmeaswell,justtakinginthewholescene.Ihavetwoofthemostliberalparentsintheworld,sooncetheydidn’tseeanythingwrong—Iwasn’tmissinganeyeoralimbandIseemedtobesittingupstraight—theyassumedthatIwasokay.

“So,”mydadsaid,lookingmeintheeye,“isthistrue?Areyoudoingheroin,asYvonneherehasclaimed?”

Ididn’tsaynobutIdidn’tquitesayyes.IwasloadedbuthidingitasbestI

Ididn’tsaynobutIdidn’tquitesayyes.IwasloadedbuthidingitasbestIcould,sotherewasnovisibleevidenceofYvonne’saccusations—asfarasIwasconcerned.

“It’sreallynicetoseeyouguysinthesameroom,”Isaid,grinning.“It’sbeenalongtime.”

Iwentoverandgavemymomakiss,andthatiswhentheentiremoodshifted.SuddenlyYvonne’sstrategizedinterventionbecameafamilyreunion.IcouldfeelherfumingasmyparentsandIspentthenexthalfhourgettingreacquainted.Ikeptupappearanceswhiletheywerethere,buttheminutetheyleft,IdemandedthatYvonnetakemehome.Midwaythroughtheride,Ichangedmymind;IaskedhertodropmeoffattheWhisky.Ididn’tsayawordtoherthewholewayoverthere.WhileIknewshemeantwell,wedidn’tspeaktoeachotheragainforquiteawhile.

THISPERIODWASPRETTYINTENSEASwemadeanameforourselves,wadedthroughthepuddleofshadycharactersgatheringatouranklesallwhilebecomingthebestbandwecouldbe.EventuallywefoundsomeonewecouldcountonnamedBridget,whowasalotlikeVickyHamiltonbutwithslightlydeeperpockets.Bridgetwantedtosignus,butweneversignedwithanybody,soshewascontentjust“workingwithus.”BridgetwasmanagingabandcalledJetboyfromSanFranciscothatwasprettypopularontheclubcircuit,sowerentedavananddroveuptheretoopenforthem.Westayedattheirhouseforafewdaysandgotaglimpseofhowafunctionalband,withagroupapartmentandarealroadie,actuallylived.Theywereplayinggigsallthetime,andthoughwedidn’tdigthebandverymuch,werespectedtheirprofessionalism.

Thecoolestguyinthebandbyfarwastheirbassplayer,ToddCrew,whobecameoneofmybestfriendsandafriendofthebandforyears—oftentothechagrinofhisbandmates.Toddhadthebeststyle:hewaswelloversixfeettall,hadthislongstragglybrownhair.Hehadaperpetuallookofbemusementonhisface,full-sleevetattoosonbotharms,andalwaysworesomevariationofasleevelessleathervest,holeybluejeanstuckedintohisbeat-upcowboyboots,andacigarettebetweenhislipsatalltimes.ToddstoodoutfromhisbandbecausehewasclassicrockandrollwhiletheotherJetboysweretypicalglamposeurs.ThesingerdidhaveagreenMohawk,though,whichhelpedthemseemabitlesstransparentthanPoison.

Itwasagreattripforus;ourgigatthisclubcalledtheStonewasgreat,andTodd’sroommatewasareptilecollector,soIwasentirelyoccupied.Iwasreallyenviousofhiscollection:hehadsnakes,abunchofexoticmonitorlizards,andavarietyofcrocodilians.Onthattripwesawwhatwaspossibleonalocallevelandrealizedthatitwasverymuchwithinourgrasp.

Theridehomewasmemorable,too.Wewereinourrentalvan,drinkingandplayingacousticguitars,whenIcameupwiththejanglyintrotowhatbecame“ParadiseCity.”DuffandIzzypickeditupandstartedplayingitwhileIcameupwiththechordchanges.Istartedhummingamelodyandplayeditoverandover.ThenAxlchimedin.

“TakemedowntotheParadiseCity…”

Ikeptplayingandtossedoffsomeimpromptulyrics.“Wherethegrassisgreenandgirlsarepretty,”Isang.Ithoughtthatsoundedtotallygay.

“TakemedowntotheParadiseCity,”Axlsangagain.

“Wherethegirlsarefatandthey’vegotbigtitties!”Ishouted.

“Take…me…home!”Axlsang.

Itwasdecidedthatthe“grassisgreen”lineworkedabitbetter,andthoughIpreferredmyalternatetake,Iwasoverruled.

Iexpandedonthebasicstructureofthesongaseveryoneimprovisedlyricsinroundsasifwewereonabusheadingofftorock-and-rollsummercamp,which,astheL.A.skylinecameintoview,Isupposewewere.Afterwegotthatwholechorusrolling,that’swhenIslammedintothebigheavyriffthatanchorsthesong.Andthat’sthemomentthat“ParadiseCity”becamemyfavoriteGunsN’Rosessong.

AsatypicallyhappyandgayasthisallsoundsforGunsN’Roses,itdefinitelywentdownthatway;anditwassortofthatkindofexperience.

OURNEWMANAGER,BRIDGET,HELPEDussucceedintakingouracttothenextlevel,atleastwithintheconfinesoftheL.A.clubcircuit.Thefactthatwehad

playedinSanFranciscohelpedgenerateabitofabuzzbecausethefactthatwewereabletoplaytheremeantthatwordofmouthwasstartingtospread;wehadafanbase.Afterwardwewereabletobookgigswithamoreseasonedattitude,becausethoselittlethingswentalongway.Webecameoneofthemost-talked-aboutbandsinL.A.atthetime,whichstartedtogenerateinterestfromthelabels.Thewordwasstartingtogetaround,somuchsothatwhenTomZutautofGeffenRecordsfirstsawusplayattheTroubadour,hedeliberatelyleftaftertwosongs,tellingeveryA&Rguyhesawonthewayoutthatwesuckedbecauseheintendedtosignusimmediately.

TomhadbecomealegendaftersigningMötleyCrüe—hewastheguythateveryotherrepintheindustrywatchedbecausehisinstinctsusuallysiftedthegoldfromthemudintheSunsetscene.ThenexttimeweplayedtheTroubadour,TomcamebackstageandintroducedhimselfandIrememberthewholebandthinkingthathewastheonlyA&Rrepthatwe’dmetwhodeservedourrespect,becausehisaccomplishmentsspokeforthemselves.Hisenthusiasmwasalsosoreal;hetoldusthatwewerethebestbandhe’dseensinceAC/DCandwhenhespokeaboutourmusicwecouldtellthatherelatedtothesongsmoretruthfullythananyoneelsehad.We’vebeenthroughyearsofupsanddowns,butTomstillknowshowtogetmyattention;whenhereallywantsmetocomeouttocheckoutabandhe’sthinkingofsigning,allheneedstosayis:“Ihaven’tseenabandrockthishardsinceIsawyouguysthatfirsttime.”TherewassomethingkeenlysincereaboutTomthatnightinthedressingroom,andalthoughwenevertoldhimsoatthetime,wehadnointentionofsigningwithanybodyelse.

Tomtriedtofakeoutthecompetition,butitdidn’twork;wordgotaroundthathewasinterestedinusandovernighteveryotherlabelintownwastryingtocontactus.Bridgetwasstillourkind-ofmanager,butsinceVickyHamiltonwasmuchbetterconnectedinL.A.,alltheA&Rrepswerecallinghertogetintouchwithus.AndthatwasenoughtorekindleourrelationshipwithVicky.

Itwasagreattime:weenjoyedasmanyfreelunches,dinners,drinks,andwhateverelsecameincludedfromthemajorlabelsforaslongaswecouldbeforesigning.Forthebetterpartofthenexttwomonths,wewerecourtedbyChrysalis,Elektra,WarnerBros.,andafewothers.We’drollintothesenicerestaurantsandordertheseextravagantliquidlunches,thensitthereandjustplaythegame.Theonlythingthatwe’dagreeonwasthatweneededtomeetagainforlunchtodiscussthingsfurtherbeforeweagreedonanything.

OnandonitwentuntilthedaywedecidedtogodowntomeetDavidGeffen

OnandonitwentuntilthedaywedecidedtogodowntomeetDavidGeffenandEdRosenblattandsignwithGeffenRecords.IsattheretheentiretimeduringournegotiationslookingatDavid,whomIhadn’tseensinceIwasabouteightyearsold,thinkingaboutallofthetimesI’dgonebackandforthtohisofficewithmydadwhenhewasdroppingoffartwork,andwonderingifDavidhadanyideaatallwhoIwas.Hedidn’t,ofcourse,asmymomfoundoutlater.ImadeapointtovisitthebathroomatGeffen,whosewalls,asIrememberedfrommychildhood,wereahippycollage,doneverynicelyinaverysixtiesstyle,ofpicturesfromoldrockmagazines.Iwashappytoseethatitwasexactlythesame.

Thenegotiationswerequick:wedemandedsixfigures,amongotherthings,whichwasanunheard-ofadvanceforanew,unknownartistin1986.Theyaccepted;VickyHamiltonwasouractingmanager,soshehookedusupwithPeterPaterno,whobecametheband’sattorney.Peterwroteupourcontractsanditwasadonedeal.

SoGunsN’Roseswasfinallysigned,butoncewewere,ournewlabeldidn’twantustoplaygigsanymore.Theywantedustolaylow,buildourmystique,andgetourbusinessinorder:theyinsistedwefindarealmanager,andaproducer,andfocusonmakingarecord.Theywantedustoliveoffouradvanceandnotbedistractedbytheroutineofplayingweeklywhilewetookthenecessarynextsteps.Littledidtheyoranyofusknowthatsettingusloosewithanykindoffundswasabadidea;theyweresanctioningadegreeoffreedomthat

wehadneverknown.Outofallofus,Iwasthemostapprehensiveaboutnotplayinganygigs.Wewerejustgoingtositidlewiththousandsofdollarstoburn?Thatwasn’tgoingtoendwell.Thefiveofushadmanagedtomakeeverydayanepiconabudgetthatwasdeterminedbywhatwefoundinourpocketsthatmorning;withouradvancemoneyinourhandsandarecordlabelbehindus,muchtoomuchwaspossible.

Asweallcametofindout,backthenandagainandagain,theworstthingthateverbefellthisbandwashavingnothingtodoandsomemoneytospend.

7

AppetiteforDysfunction

Restlessnessisaficklecatalyst;itcandriveyoutoachieveoritcancoaxyourdemise,andsometimesthechoiceisn’tyours.Myrestlessnatureiswhatearnedmemynicknameandit’skeptmelookingforthenextthrill,thenextgig,andthenextmountaintoclimbforaslongasIcanremember.It’snotthekindofthingthattakesdaysoff.

BeforeGunsgotsigned,Ihadnojobandwaslivinginavomit-stainedgaragethatwasaboutascharmingasaSouthAmericanjail.Allofmyenergywentintoday-to-daysurvivalandworkingtofurthertheband,oneshowatatime.OnceGunswassignedIdidn’thavetoworryaboutmoney,food,orshelter.Thisminorsenseofstabilitywasunfamiliartome;Ihadnoconcernforacquiringanyofthetrappingsofnormallife,sowhatseemedtobeablessingtomewasalmostacurse.

Weweresignedforsomethinglike$250,000,andoursigningadvancewasaround$37,000,ofwhichmycutwasabout$7,500.ItranslateditintoAmericanExpresstraveler’schecksthatIkeptintherightfrontpocketofmyjeans,thankstomytroublewiththeIRS.Savingmysharewasn’tanoption,butIdidn’tcelebratebybuyingmyselfanewguitaroranything—Ispentalmostallofitonheroin.Eachofuslearnedthesamelessoninourownindividualwaybeforewegotourselvesinlinetodowhatwe’dsetouttodo.Itwouldn’tbethelasttimethatwe’dneedtorallyagainstourinstincts:wheneverweearnedourselvessomepeaceofmind,thesamerestlessnessthatfueledoursuccessthreatenedtodestroyitall.

ItwasobvioustoeveryoneinourcampthatVickyHamiltonwasn’tgoingtocutitasamanageronceouroperationincreasedinscale.Itwasalsotimetogetarealcrew:Joewasn’tatechinanyway,andDannywasadrugbud(whomIcontinuedtohangoutwithinthatcapacityforyears)butnotanykindofroadmanager.Weweren’tentirelyhappyaboutmakingthosechanges,butithadtobedone.Itwastheendofanera;wewerenolongerscrappywithnothingtolose:nowwewerescrappywithcorporatebacking.

TomZutautarrangedafewmeetingswithpotentialmanagers,thefirstofthembeingCliffBernsteinandPeterMenschofQPrime,whomanagedMetallica,DefLeppard,andothers,thenastheydotoday.IwenttoTom’sofficeandtheywerelate,soIpassedoutonTom’scouchwaitingforthem.Fortherecord,I’mnotsureifIwashighornot.WhatIdorememberisthatthemeetingdidn’tgowell.

“GunsN’Rosesjustdoesn’thaveamusicalenoughsoundtobeabandthatwe’dconsiderrepresenting,”oneofthem,I’mnotsurewhich,said.

Isatthere,prettydumbfounded.Huh?Imighthavemumbled.

Basically,Itookthatinsultlyingdown,becauseactuallyIwaslyingdown,andthatwastheendofit.Ididn’tsayanything,butmyfacemusthaveregisteredalookofdisdainoratleastsomeskepticalconfusion.

“Youknowthoseguitarsolosyoudo?”theotherone,I’mnotsurewhich,said.

“Yeah,”Imumbled.

“Theyjustsoundlikenoisetome,whereasifyoulistentoMetallica,theirplayingsoundsreallymelodic.”

“Okay,man,”Isaid.Whateveryousay,Jack,Ithoughttomyself.

ThewholetimeTomdidhisbesttomediateapotentiallyexplosivesituationbychiminginwithcommentsmeanttocheerthingsupandkeepitpositive.

“Well,themusicreallyisn’twellrepresentedinthedemo,guys,”he’dsay.

“Well,themusicreallyisn’twellrepresentedinthedemo,guys,”he’dsay.“Youreallyhavetohearthesongsproperlyproduced.”

Tomknew,aswellasIdid,thatthemusicwasverywellrepresentedinthedemo—theseguys,likesomanyothers,justdidn’tgetit.Theypassed,ofcourse,andtheyregrettedit.EveryoneTomintroducedustointhosedayswhopassedonusregrettedit—whichintheendwasalotofpeople.

AtthetimeIzzywasstilllivinginhisapartmentandDuffwasnowlivingwiththisHungariangirl,Katerina(whomhe’dlatermarry),inanapartmentonHollywoodBoulevard,coincidentally,nextdoortoSlyStone.IguessyoucouldsaythatheandDuffhadatightneighborlyrelationship:SlyusedtocomebyDuff’splaceunannouncedtosmokePCP,crack,oramixofthetwo,alone,inDuff’sbathroomandthenjustleave.Thatblewourfuckingminds.Apparentlyhedidthatallthetime,butmostofusdidn’tseeitbecauseweneverreallyhungoutatDuff’splace—hisgirlwasn’tthetypetohostabunchofguyssittingaroundthelivingroom.ButIusedtomeetDuffovertherebeforerehearsal,soIdidwitnessitonce.

Therewasaknockatthedoor,Duffopeneditup,andtherewasSly.

“Hey,man,”hemutteredbecauseheneverrememberedDuff’sname.“IsitcoolifIuseyourbathroom?”

“Ohyeah,sure,”Duffsaid.

Andthatwasit.DuffsaidthatSlymightbeinthereanywherefromafewminutestoafewhours.

DuffalsomadetheacquaintanceofWestArkeenwhilehelivedinthatbuilding.TheonlyplaceIknewWesttoliveonaregularbasisbackthenwasinhisbeat-upElCamino.IthinkatthatpointhewasparkingitoutsideofDuff’sbuilding,sohewasatenantbyextension.IwasintroducedtohimthroughDuffandhebecamefriendswiththeband;muchmoresowithAxlthanwithmeortherestofusatfirst.AtthatpointespeciallyIwaswaryofmeetingnewpeoplebecauseallmannerofriffraffhadstartedtohangaroundus,soIwasstandoffishtonewcomers.Ittakesalotformetotrustsomeone,thoughafterawhile,WestandIbecamefriends.

WestwasaguitarplayerfromSanDiegoandaconsummatepartyguywhobecamemoreofafixturethantheaveragefriendoftheband:heevencowrotesomeofoursongslike“It’sSoEasy”and“Yesterdays”withDuffand“Bad

someofoursongslike“It’sSoEasy”and“Yesterdays”withDuffand“BadObsession”and“TheGarden”withAxl.DuffandWestwouldhangoutandwritesongsandIwouldjointhemsometimes,butWestandAxlgotreallytight.InadditiontowritingwithGuns,hecowrotesongsforDuff’sandIzzy’ssoloprojectsandallofuscontributedtohisproject,theOutpatience,inthelatenineties,justbeforehediedofanoverdose.

Westwasahard-drinking,hard-livinggood-timesguy,sohefitinwithusjustfine.Hewasthekindofcharacterwhowassosecureinhisownskinandcontentwithhisownexistencethatifyouweren’tnicetohim,he’dstillbeamiabletoyou;that’sprobablywhyhewonmeoverintheend.Forbetterorforworse,Westwastheguywhointroducedtherestofustowhatwasthencalledspeedandwhatisnowcalledcrystalmeth.Speedwashisthing;healwayshadalotofit,hehadmajorconnectionstoitdowninSanDiego,andeveryoneinhisorbitwasalwaysonit.

EventuallyWestsomehowgotthemoneytogethertorentanicehouseintheHollywoodHills;itwasthreestories,rightonacliff,tuckedawayinthetrees.Helivedtherewith“Laurie”and“Patricia,”thesetwospeed-demonchicksthatmighthavebeenattractiveiftheyweren’tsostrungout.LauriesomehowhelddownajobinthefilmindustryanddroveaniceSuzukijeep,whilePatricianeverseemedtowork,butshealwaysseemedtohavemoney.Icouldnevergetmyheadaroundhowtheymaintainedsomeappearanceofanormallife,withahouse,moneyinthebank,andallthat—allwhiledoingspeedwiththeutmostabandon.Butthenagain,Ididn’tknowmuchaboutspeedthen.

IusedtocrashtherewheneverIhadnowheretocrash,andasWestbecameclosertoallofus,therewasonethingIcouldneverfigureout:howhe,too,alwayshadmoney.Especiallyasthingsgotcrazierforus,Westbecametheonlythinglikeafriendthatourbandhadintheworld.Hewastheonlyonethatalwayscamethroughwhenanyofusneededanything;foralongtimeheliterallywastheonlyonewecouldtrust.

ASSOONASWEGOTOURADVANCEmoney,wecollectivelymanagedtodoonepracticalthing,whichwastorentanapartment.Wegotturneddownbyalmosteverymanagementofficeweapproachedbecauseit’snotlikewehadgoodcredit—orcreditatall.ButfinallywefoundaplaceonthesoutheastcornerofLaCienegaandFountain;atwo-bedroom,two-bathroom,ground-floor

apartment.Weactuallygotabitdomesticforamomentandwentoutandrentedsomefurniture—twobedsandakitchendinetteset.WeroundedoutthedecorwithacouchwefoundinthealleybehindthebuildingandaTVthatSteven’smomdonatedtoourcause.Whenwefirstmovedin,Steve’smomalsokickedusoffwithsomegroceries.Itwastheonlytimethatweeverhadthem—formaybeaweek,ifyouopenedourfridgeitactuallylookedlikesomebodylivedthere.

SteveandIzzysharedaroom,andAxlandIsharedaroom,andthatapartmentisstillthere;Idrivebyitallthetime—it’sthespacewiththebigbaywindowonthefirstflooroverlookingtheintersection.Whenwefirstrentedit,IzzywasstilllivingwithhisgirlfriendDezionOrangeAvenueandDuffandKaterinawereonHollywoodBoulevard,butmutualinterestsdictatedthatIzzyspendmuchofhistimeoveratourplace.Followingsomesortofdomesticdispute,hebecameafull-timeresidentforawhile.

Tome,ourplacewasdeluxe;Ievenrelocatedmyanaconda,Clyde,fromYvonne’stojoinmethere.Unfortunately,movingoutofourgarageintoanostensiblynicerapartmentdidn’tcurtailourdebaucheddelinquency;weendedupgettingevictedafterthethreemonthswe’dpaidfor—andnevergotoursecuritydepositback.Itdidn’tworkoutasefficientlyasplanned,butbeinginthesameplacewasmoreorlessasteptowardorganizedproductivityasaband.

Everythingwasgreatuntilwegotevicted,asfarasIwasconcerned.We’djustgottensomemoneyandItriedtobeasfrugalasIcouldinthesmack-buyingdepartment,justmakingitstretchasfarasitcouldgo.Inspiteofmyefforts,ourplacebecamearealshootinggallery:we’dcopdowninEastL.A.anditseemedliketherewasanendlesssupplyinthestreet.MarkMansfieldcamebyonenight,andunbeknownsttoeachother,we’dbothbecomejunkies,soitwasgreattoseehim.HewasworkingwithaTexasbandcalledTexandtheHorseheads,whowerealsoallstrungout,soallofushungoutoveratourplace.Beforethis,IdiddopewhenIcouldgetithereandthere,butIcouldneveraffordtogetitconsistently.Atthispoint,though,Icouldfinanceadailyhabit,andIwasenamoredenoughofdrugsthatIdidn’tknoworcarewhatIwasgettingmyselfinto.

ThelabelhadrentedusarehearsalspaceataplacecalledDeanChamberlain’soverinHollywood,whereJane’sAddictionrehearsedaswell.We’drollinthereeverydayatabouttwoorthreeintheafternoonandplayforaboutfourhours.Thislittleboxwasabouteightfeetbytwentyfeet,justverynarrowandlong,andwaslitupbyunpleasantlybright,hospital-strength

narrowandlong,andwaslitupbyunpleasantlybright,hospital-strengthfluorescentlights.Basicallyitwaslikerehearsingina7-Eleven.

Ironically,oneofthefirstsongsweworkeduptherewas“Mr.Brownstone,”atrackthatwasconceivedundermuchdimmercircumstances.Izzy,hisgirlfriendDezi,andIwereupattheirapartmentonenightwhenwecameupwithit.Theyhadalittledinettesetthatwe’dsitaroundcookingupourshitandthenwe’djustjam.Weweresittingtherecomplaining,asjunkiesdo,aboutourdealers,aswellasjustcomplainingaboutbeingjunkies,andthat’swherethatsongcamefrom.Itbasicallydescribedadayinthelifeforusatthetime.Izzyhadacoolidea,hecameupwiththeriff,andwestartedimprovisingthelyrics.Deziconsidersherselfacowriteronthattrackandfortherecordshedidcomeupwithmaybeanounhere,perhapsaconjunctionthere.Whenwehaditalltogether,wewrotethewordsdownonagrocerybag.WebroughtitdowntotheFountainapartmentandplayeditforAxlandhereworkedthelyricsabitbeforethebandworkedonitatournextrehearsal.AxlcouldalwaystakeasimpleIzzymelodyandturnitintosomethingfantastic,andthatisjustoneofafewexamples.

TomZutautwaseagertofindusaproducerandtogetusontheroadtorecording—littledidheknowhowlongthatroadwouldbe.ThefirstcandidatehesentourwaywasTomWerman,whowasabigfuckingdeal.WermanhadrecentlyproducedMötleyCrüe’sShoutattheDevil,whichsoldafewmillionin1985,andbeforethathadmadeanameforhimselfproducingCheapTrick,TedNugent,andMollyHatchet.WermanwentontoworkwithPoison,TwistedSister,L.A.Guns,Stryper,Krokus,andDokken—basicallyhebecamethesoundofeightiesmetal.

Buthecouldn’thandleus.Weneverevengottoproperlymeethim.Hecametoourrehearsalspaceandwewereplaying“Mr.Brownstone,”atjet-enginedecibellevels.IzzyandIhadjustgottenbrand-newMesaBoogiestacksandIwasplayinganewguitar:itwasaLesPaulthathadbelongedtoseventiesbluesguitaristSteveHunter.I’dtradedmyBCRichforitatAlbertandHowieHuberman’splace,GuitarsRUs.ThatstorewasaninstitutionforeveryL.A.musicianwhocouldn’taffordGuitarCenter,itwasthemusician’spawnshop.ItwaswhereIgotridofallofmyshitandgotnewstuff.Or,whenthemoneydriedup,itwaswhereIsoldmyequipmentforcashtoscoremoresmack.

Inanycase,wewereplaying“Mr.Brownstone”sobrutallyloudthatWermanwalkedoutimmediately.Hecameinwithhisassistant,pausedinthe

doorway,thenturnedaroundanddisappeared.WefinishedthesongandIwenttothedoortoseeiftheywereoutsideandfoundanemptystreet.

“Iguessitmusthavebeenalittletooloud,”Isaidtotheotherguys.

Weshruggeditoff,butIwasbummedbecauseIthoughtwesoundedgreat.ThenagainIwasusedtopeoplenotgettingit.

Gunswasthetypeofsnarlingbeastthatthrivedinpitslikethat.

Themostwell-knownfigurethatconsideredworkingwithuswasPaulStanleyofKiss,whowaslookingfortherightbandtolaunchasidegigbehindthemixingboard.Izzy,Duff,andIcouldn’thavecaredless;wetoldZutautthatwehadnoideawhatPaulStanleycouldbringtotheequation.Steven,ofcourse,wasbesidehimself—Kisswerehisheroes,sowefiguredwe’dletStevenhavehisjolliesandagreedtothemeeting.TheprocessbeganwithPaulcomingdowntoourapartmentto“discussmusic.”Bythistimeheroinhadbecomeadailything,sowhenPaularrived,IzzyandIweredoingallthatwecouldtokeepfromnoddingout;justbarelykeepingittogetherenoughsothatitwasn’tobvious…orsowethought.IzzyandIparkedourselvesonthecouch,andsincewedidn’thaveachairinthelivingroom,PaulsatonthefloornexttoStevenandAxl.

“Firstthingsfirst,”hesaid.“Iwannarewrite‘WelcometotheJungle.’”AccordingtoPaul,thesonghadrealpotential,butitlackedanimpactfulstructure.Whatitneededwasachorusthatwasmorememorable,moresingsong,moreanthemic—inaword,morelikeaKisssong.

“Ugh,”Igruntedundermybreath.AsfarasIwasconcerned,thatwastheendofourrelationship.Hewastheepitomeoftheguywiththeniceclothes,thetrophywife,andthenicecar“stooping”toourleveltotelluswhattodo.Ididn’ttakekindlytothat.

Paulwaspersistent,though.WesawhimagainnotlongafterwardwhenweplayedashowcasethatGeffenhadsetup.Basically,Tomarrangeditbecauseweneededtoplayagig,soitwasthisindustry-only,invite-only“concert.”IttookplaceatGazzari’s(todayit’stheKeyClub),whichwasavenuethatwe’dnever,everplayedonthecircuitbecauseitwastotallyagainsteverythingwestoodfor.Itwassoglamandgaythattherewereradioadsforitwheretheowner,BillGazzari,proclaimedinhisthickEastCoastaccent,“Allmybandsgotfoxyguysin’em!Iftheydon’tgotfoxyguys,theydon’tplayonmystage.”

Gazzari’swaswherethereallyplasticglammetalcouldbefound.Andwedefinitelyweren’ttryingtobefoxy.TheonlytimeI’deverevenbeeninthereasidefromthisgigwastoseeHollywoodRosebackintheday.

Anyway,PaulStanleyattendedthatshow,andheactuallybulliedthesoundengineerintoallowinghimtomanthesoundboardandcontrolthemix.Wedidn’tfindoutuntillater,butwhenwedid,Icringedatthethought:PaulStanleyhadmixedGunsN’Roses—atGazzari’s.Really,howmuchmoreclichécoulditget?Idorememberthatwegotpaid,becauseIremembercountinganddividingourmoneyandsayingtoIzzy,“Igottagocop!”ThatwasallthatIcaredaboutatthetime—andthat’swhatIdid;Itookoffoutoftheretomeetupwithmydealerfriend.

Paulstillwantedtowinusover,soheinsistedoncomingtoournextgig,whichweknewonceandforallwouldshowhimwhowereallywereandwhatourproducerneededtocapture.Itwasaweeklater,atRaji’s,whichwasatotaldive,probablyatwenty-by-twenty-footroomthatreekedofbeerandpisswithaPAthatsoundedlikeanoutdatedconsolepermanentlyinthered.Thestagewasafoothigh,packedagainstthefarthestwallfromthedoor;thebathroomsweremoredisgustingthanCBGB’s.Inotherwords,itwasGunsN’Roses’naturalhabitat.IthinkinPaul’smind,hewascomingdowntoprovetousonceandforallthatheunderstoodwherewewerecomingfrom.Hewasgoingto“hangout”onour“turf,”because,afterall,heandKisshadplayeddivesbackintheday.Hisintentionsweregood,butIcan’thelpbutthinkthatprettyquicklyherealizedthatwherewewerecomingfromwassomewherehehadn’tseeninalong,longtime.Gunswasthetypeofsnarlingbeastthatthrivedinpitslikethat.

Thatshowwasfuckingamazing:itwasasdirty,muddy,shoddy,andteeteringonchaosasGunseverwasinmymind.ItwasashonestandtrueasGunsN’Rosesevergot,because

Ididabighitofsmackbeforewewenton,which,mixedwiththeliquorIhadalreadybeendrinking,mademystomachsorottenthatI’dturnaroundandblowchunksoverthebackofmyampseveryfiveminutes.Ihadanewguitartech,Jason,whohadtokeepjumpingoutofthewaytoavoidgettingcoated.Theoverwhelmingheatintheredidn’thelpthesituationmuch.Theshowwassorambunctious,theaudiencesofullofunrulydiehards,thatAxlendedupgettingintoafightwithsomeguyinthefrontrow—hemighthavesmashedhimintheheadwiththebaseofhismikestand.Thewholeshowwasafuckingriot;there

wassomuchenergypackedintothattinylittleoverheatedboxofaroom.Itwasfuckingawesome.There’sapictureofthatgigontheinsidesleeveofAppetiteforDestruction.

Ican’timaginewherehestoodduringtheshow,butPaulStanleymaterializedafterthesetwithhisblond-bombshellgirlfriend/wife,eachoftheminoutfitsthatprobablycostmorethanthemarketvalueoftheentirebuilding.Therewasn’tadressingroomatRaji’s;therewasahallwaybetweenthesideofthestageandthebackdoorwithasmallsetofstairs,whereourentirebandsatdownafterwewerethroughplaying.Paulandhisgirlfriend/wifeweresooutofplacebuttheytriedtosittherewithusanyway.Weweresweatyandgnarly,andafterpukingabouteighttimesonstage,Iwasdoingmybestnottoloseitalloverhimashesaidtome,withhisIvanaTrumpladyonhisarm,“Hmm,well,thatwasinteresting.”

Thenextdaywemadeitofficial:ItoldTomtoletPaulknowthatweweregoingtocontinueourquestforaproducer,thankyouverymuch.I’msorrytosaythatnotlongafterward,IretoldthisstorytotheL.A.WeeklywithanexcessivedegreeofattitudedirectedatPaul.Imeantnoharm;Iwassoenthusiasticaboutwhatweweredoingthattomeeveryonewhodidn’tgetitwasjustwrong.Ididn’tevenrememberinsultingPaulpubliclyandthereforehadnoqualmsaboutcallinghimamonthortwolatertoaskforafavor.We’dbegunrecording,atthatpoint,butI’dpawnedmybestguitarsfordopeandIhopedthathewouldbeabletohookmeupwithsomestudio-worthygearviahissponsorshipdealwithBCRich.

“Hey,Paul,it’sSlash,”Isaid.“It’sbeenawhile.Howareyou,man?”

“I’mgood,”hesaid.

“Hey,listen,Iknowyou’vegotthatdealwithBCRich.Doyouthinkyoucangetmesomeguitars?”

“Yeah,Icould,itwouldn’tbeaproblem,”hesaid,followedby…silence.“ButIwon’t.Here’sapieceofadvice:youshouldbecarefulaboutairingyourdirtylaundryinpublic.Goodlucktoyou.”

Click.

Dialtone.

Ittookawhile,butin2006,IgotthechancetoapologizetoPaulatVh1’sRockHonorsshow,whereIwaspartofatributetoKissalongwithTommyLee,AceFrehley,andothers.Itwasallokay;itwaswaterunderthebridge.Lookingbackonit,IseeexactlywhyIbehavedthatway:Iwasarrogantbackthen,andwhenyou’rearrogant,regardlessofwhoyouareasaperson,thefactthatyou’renotafanofsomeone’sbandisalegitimateenoughreasontobeaprick.

TherewasnowayinhellthatIwasgoingtocountywithfingernailpolishon.

WEWOULDPRACTICEEVERYDAY;WEwrotenewsongs,andwepartiedeverynight.AsImentionedbefore,smackwaseasytofindsoIwasn’tkeepingtrackofhowoftenIdidit.Inmymind,itwasstrictlyrecreational—itwasn’tsupposedtobethecenteroftheuniverse.

ThefirsttimeIrealizedthatIhadaproblemwasthefirsttimethattherewasn’tanyaround.Ididn’tthinktoomuchofit—ignoranceisbliss.Onthatparticulardaywhenitallcaughtuptomeforthefirsttime,IzzyandIdecidedtogotoTijuanawithRobertJohn,thephotographerandgoodfriendwho’sshotussincedayoneandbecameourofficialphotographerontheroadallthewaythrough1993.

Anyway,itwasagreatdaytrip:wedrankafewbottlesoftequila,wewanderedthestreets;wewatcheddrunkAmericansberippedoffbywhoresineverydivebarandbrothelshackonthestrip.Asthedayworeon,IjustthoughtIwastiredanddrunkandcatchingacold;Ihadnoideaofwhatwasreallygoingoninmybody.WhenwegotbacktoL.A.,Iremember,Ipassedoutimmediately.Iwokeuplaterthatnightstillfeelingsick,soIfiguredthatafewwhiskeysatBarney’sBeanerywouldcureme.Iheadeddowntherearoundtenp.m.,andaftermyfirstcoupleofdrinks,Ididn’tfeelanybetter;actuallyIfeltworse.Iwentbacktotheapartmentandassumedtheair-raidposition:Igotonmykneeswithmyheadbetweenthemandmyhandsonmyhead,simplybecausetherewasnootherpositionthatfeltcomfortabletome.IrememberthatnightvividlybecauseMarcCanterpoppedbyunexpectedlylatethatevening.Hewasasfarremovedfromthejunksceneasyoucanimagine.Heeyeballedmecuriously.

“Youreallydon’tlookgood,”hesaid.“Areyouallright?”

“Yeah,yeah,I’mfine,”Isaid.“Ihavetheflu.”

TherealitywasthatIwasdopesickafterjustonedaywithoutheroin.Itwas

TherealitywasthatIwasdopesickafterjustonedaywithoutheroin.Itwashardformetoadmitthattomyself.AsIlaysweatingaloneinmybedthatnight,IwasstillunwillingtoregarditasanythingelsebuttheworstfluI’deverhad.

IcutdownIguess,butIcontinuedonmoreorlessthesamepathuntilthenexttimeIwasforcedtofacethefactthatIhadahabit—thankstothelongarmofthelaw.IwascruisingaroundwithDannyonenightlookingfordopeandwemanagedtocopsomeshit,butitwasverylittle;itwasjustataste.WetookitovertomyfriendRonSchneider’splace(mybassplayerinTidusSloan)andwedidit,hungout,andlistenedtoIronMaidenwithRonforawhileandthenlefttoheadhomeataboutfoura.m.WewerecomingupLaCienegawhentheblueandredlightswentonbehindus.Whenwesloweddownandpulledover,wewere,literally,rightinfrontofourapartment,spittingdistancefromourdoor.

Thesetwocopswereclearlyouttofulfilltheirnightlyormonthlyquota,becauseweweren’tspeedingordoinganythingsuspiciousatall.Wehadnothingonus,butDannyhadforgottentheneedlehehadinthebreastpocketofhisshirt,whichgavethecopscarteblanchetodowhatevertheywanted.Theystartedbyshiningtheirflashlightsinoureyes.

“Haveyoutakenanydrugstonight,sir?”oneofthemaskedme.

“No,”Isaid,squintingathimthroughmyhair.

“Areyousureaboutthat?Itlookstomelikeyouhave;yourpupilsarepinned.”

“Yeah,that’sbecauseyou’reshiningaflashlightinmyeyes,”Isaid.

Theyweren’thavinganyofit:theyimpoundedDanny’scarandarrestedhimforpossessionofparaphernalia.Theycuffedme,too,butwouldn’ttellmeonwhatcharges.Anditallcamedownwithintenfeetofmyfrontdoor.

TheystuffedDannyandmeinthebackofthepatrolcarandcontinuedonwiththeirunstatedmissiontobusteverylong-haired“vagrant”insightontheirwaybacktothestation.Lessthanamiledownthestreet,theypickedupMikeLevine,thebassplayerfromTriumph,whowasexitinga7-Elevenandheadingtohiscarwithsomebeerunderhisarm,onthepremisethatheintendedtodrinkanddrive.Theyputhiminthebackwithus,andcontinuedon.Abitfartherdown,onSantaMonicaBoulevard,theybustedagirlfor“publicdrunkenness,”

literallythreeblocksfromthesheriff’soffice.Thegirlwasn’tvisiblydrunkatall—shewasjustwalkingdownthestreet.Sincetherewasn’tanymoreroominthecar,oneofthecopsoptedtowalkheracrossthestreettothestation.

Theyputallofusmalesinthesameholdingtankandwesataroundthejailcellforafewhours.MikeLevinegotbailedout,andafterDannyhadsataroundlongenough,theylethimgo,too.Hewasbookedforhavingtheneedleandwasgivenacourtdate,andallofthat.Iwastheonlyoneleft,andsinceIthoughtthatIhadn’tdoneanything,IfiguredthatI’dgetoutanyminutenow.ItwasSaturdaybythen,abouteighta.m.,andasthehoursstretchedon,Itried,unsuccessfully,togettheguards’attentiontoaskwhyIwasstillbeingheld.

TheonlyanswerIgotwasbeingshuffledfromthesmallcellofthenightbeforetoalargercellwithhighceilings,arubbermatonthefloor,onecommontoiletinthecorner,alotofinmates,andtheranksmellofpiss.Ihadnoideaofwhatwascomingnext.Myhighhadstartedtowearoff;Iwasafewhoursawayfromcompletewithdrawal.Afterawhilewewereloadedontooneofthosehorribleblack-and-whitetransformedschoolbuseswithgatesonthewindows.Iwasshackledattheanklesandwristsandchainedtotheguyinfrontofme.IstillhadnoideawhyIwasthere,butIrealizedthatIwasgoingtothecountyjail,soIimmediatelystartedchewingoffmyblacknailpolish.TherewasnowayinhellthatIwasgoingtocountywithfingernailpolishon.

Ittookhourstogettherebecausethebusmadestopsatseveraljailsalongthewaytopickupmorepeople;allwhileIgotsickerandsicker.Ateachjailwewereloadedoffintoanothergroupholdingcelltowaitwhilethenewadditionswereprocessed.Thecountyjailitselfwasabouttwentymilesaway,butgettingthere,withallofthosestopsandredtape,tookallday.Wehitaboutsixjailsandfinallygottocountyinthelateafternoon.Theprocesswasnolessendlesswhenwefinallyarrived:theyloggedinmybelongingsandputmeinaseriesofholdingroomswiththeothernewinmatesuntilmypaperworkwascomplete.

ItwasthemosttediousbureaucracyI’veeverseeninmylife,anditdidn’thelpthatIwasgenuinelydopesickduringitall.Upuntilthen,Iknewaboutbeingdopesickintheabstractsense;Ihadheardstories,butevenafterI’dexperiencedabitofitafterthatdayinTijuana,Iregardeditwiththesamecarefreebravadothathadgottenmehookedinthefirstplace.Facedwiththerealityofbeingdopesick,Ifiguredthatthebestwaytoavoiditwastoalwaysknowwheretogetmorejunk.Ithadn’tbeenaprobleminHollywood.Butbeinglockedupinthecountyjailforafewdayswithnoaccesstoheroinwas

lockedupinthecountyjailforafewdayswithnoaccesstoheroinwassomethingelseentirely:itwasaforceddetoxintheworstpossiblesetting.

Iwashousedinoneofthosebigold-fashionedroomswithafewrowsofcots,whereIsweateditout,nauseous,sick,andexhausted.I’mnotsureexactlyhowlongIwastherealtogether;Isupposeclosetothreedays;thenallofasuddentheyletmeout,againwithnoexplanation,andIhadtogothroughthewholefuckingentranceprocessinreverse.Axlhadputupthebail,andhadDannypickmeup,butIdidn’tknowthatasImademywaythroughtheexitprocedureinmylittlejumpsuit,waitinginlonglines,sittinginaseriesofrooms,sweatingandcoughingandsnivelingandfidgeting,smellingreallybadandlookingandfeelingfuckingmiserable.Whentheyhandedmemyclothesandbelongings,IwasfinallyinformedwhyIwasthere:I’dbeenhauledinforasix-year-oldjaywalkingticket.TherehadbeenawarrantoutformeafterI’dnotshownupincourtorpaidthefine.OfallthethingsI’vedone,Igotbustedforjaywalking.Well,atleastIdidmytimeandpaidmydebttosociety.

Iwalkedaroundoutsideofcounty,bummingcigarettesforaboutanhourwonderingwhohadbailedmeout,untilDannysuddenlyshowedup;wethendrovestraightdowntoMelroseandWesterntocop.WhenIgotbacktotheapartment,Axlwassleeping,sowereStevenandIzzy,andDuffwasn’taround.Igothigh,tookashower,andwhenthoseguyswokeup,Irealizedthattheyhadn’tevennoticedthatI’dbeengoneforawhile.Iwasn’texpectingmuch,butitwouldhavebeennicetogetsomedegreeoffanfare.WhenIfoundoutlaterthatAxlwastheonewhoscrapedtogetherthebailmoney;Iwastouched.Thatwasprettycoolofhim.

DESPITEOURLIFESTYLEANDITSunconventionalsetofpriorities,wedidgetalotofthingsdoneinthatapartment.Wewroteanacousticversionof“You’reCrazy”thatendedupasanelectricversiononAppetiteandinitsoriginalformonLies.WeworkedthatoneupatDeanChamberlain’s,givingitthatedgebyspeedingitupabouttwentybeatsperminutefromitsoriginalstate.Axl,Izzy,andIhadsomereallygreatcreativetimesinthatapartment.Butregardless,ouradvance,bothcollectivelyandindividually,haddwindled,soourquestforamanagerwassuddenlyimportant:wehadlostourleaseandtwoofushadmoreorlessdevolvedintoeverydayjunkiesthatneededsomewheretolive.

TomZutautintroducedustoArnoldStiefel,amanagerwhosebiggestclients

atthetimewereRodStewart(whomIbelievehestillhandles),andtheactorMatthewBroderick,whowasabouttobecomeahugestaroffthebackofFerrisBueller’sDayOff.Thatdidn’timpressusany.ButafterafewgreatmeetingswithArnoldandhispartners,somehowwewalkedawaywiththemostidealsituationimaginable:theyhadn’tsignedusoutright,buttheyagreedtoputusupinahouseuntilwefoundaproducerandmadeanalbum,atwhichpointthey’ddecideiftheywantedtosignonasourmanagers.IhavenoideawhatkindofdealTommadewiththemtomakethathappen,butthiswastheperfectshort-termfix:theywerewillingtoletus“evolve”ontheirtab.

IfeltsorryforTombythen.Wewerethisself-destructivemutationofabandthathe’dhadtheutmostconfidenceinandwewerepayinghimbackbyshowingnopromiseofevergettingittogether.Tousitseemedfunnythatnoneoftheproducersormanagersseemedfittodothejob,butTomwasveryawarethatwewereslowlybutsurelynarrowingthe“interest”gapbetweeneveryoneintheindustryandnooneatall—I’msurehewaspanicked:aftertwoyearshemightlosehisjobifhedidn’tmakeitwork.

TheonlygoodthingthatTom,asanA&Rman,gotoutofthiswasthatwhenhepickedusupandsignedus,wehadacoupleofreallygoodsongs,butthisperiodoftimeallowedustowriteabunchmorereallygoodsongs.Maybeinthebackofhismind,therewasamethodtoTom’smadness,maybeheknewthatweneededthistimeanddideverythinghecouldtomakeithappen,becauseintheendhegotthegoodstuffoutofus.Itwasneverstatedashisintent,butI’msurehelookedatthebrightsidethatway.Thisbandtookupsomuchofhistimefromthemomentweweresignedtothetimewegotourrecorddoneandgotoutontheroadthatitmusthavedrivenhiminsane.Therewasnothingthathecoulddotomoldusormovetheprocessalongatall,becauseanythinghetriedfailed.Theband’soverallattitudeandextracurricularactivitiesopposedtherightdirectionateveryturn.

Outofdesperation,TomdidmanagetogetusintothestudiowithMannyCharlton,theguitaristforNazareth,atSoundCityStudiosonWhitsettandMoorparkoutintheValley.Weworkedondemosof“NovemberRain,”whichwasabouteighteenminuteslonginitsoriginalversion,soneedlesstosaywereallyneededtositdownandfocusonarrangingit.Wealsoworkedon“Don’tCry,”andalmosteveryothersongthatmadeitontoAppetite,except“SweetChildo’Mine,”becausewehadn’twrittenthatoneyet.Itwasagreatdayinanycase,hangingoutinthestudiorecordingeverythingliveinthisgreatbigroom.

Unfortunately,Mannydidn’tfeelright.Thedemossoundedgreat,buttheywerejustthat:abunchofgreatdemotapes.Weknewenoughaboutourselvestoknowitwasn’tokay.

SHORTLYAFTERWARDWEMOVEDINTOtheStiefelhouse,aswecametocallit,abrand-newhomeinagatedcommunitycalledLaughlinParklocatedwayoutinGriffithParkneartheObservatory,theGreekTheater,andtheL.A.Zoo.ItwaswayoutinEastHollywood,aboutatwenty-minutedrivefromwhereweusedtolive.Thatdoesn’tseemlikemuch,butsincenoneofushadcars,thisbecamethemostunsocialperiodweeverknew.

Wewerestuckoutthereinanewhouse,inanewcomplex,inthewoods.Thereweretwobedroomsupstairs—onewasAxl’sandonewasSteven’sandIzzyandIsharedabedroomdownstairs…duetoour“sharedinterests.”Welivedthereforfourorfivemonthsbuthadlittlefurnituretospeakof;wehadbeds,onetable,andacoupleofchairsintheentirehouse.Axlsomehowmanagedtoconjureupaproperbed,alamp,andadresserfromsomewhere:hisroomwasawell-equippedoasisguardedbyapadlock,buttherestoftheplacewasbasicallyempty.Thelightingsituationwasequallymeager:therewasonelampinIzzy’sandmyroom,anoverheadlightinthediningroom,andnolightsinthelivingroomorabovethestairsorinanyofthehallways.Theentiretimewelivedthere,itlookedasifsomeonewasabouttomovein.

Wedidhaveafireplace,andsinceweneverbotheredtobuylamps,oncethesunwentdown,welitfiresandgenerallyrestrictedourselvestothelivingroomorthekitchen,whichalsohadanoverheadlight.Weweresooutofourelement:foroncewewerelivinginaneighborhoodwherehouseholditemsweren’tavailableforfreeonthestreet,inotherpeople’strash.Theupsidewasthatwewereinsuchafar-offresidentialareathatwhenwedidn’tfeellikeplayingacoustics,wecouldjamallnightonourelectricguitars.Andifwe’downedpracticeampsweprobablywouldhave.

Thedruglifestylewasadominantrealityinourlives,anditplayedamajorroleineverythingwedidatthatpoint.Onceitshowedsignsofwear,therewasdefinitelylightattheendofthetunnel…whetherwelikeditornot.Itwasobvioustousallthatthefreeandeasyoverindulgentsmackdayswe’denjoyedinWestHollywoodweredone:we’drunoutofmoney,mostoftheshitonthestreethadgonedry,andbecauseofournewaddress,wewereatthemercyoftheonlydrugdealerwillingtotravel.Itwasnotgoodatall:whathadbeenveryfun

onlydrugdealerwillingtotravel.Itwasnotgoodatall:whathadbeenveryfunashorttimeagowasnowamajorpainintheass.Unfortunately,wewereinnoshapetojustupandquitandforgetaboutit.Wewereforcedtobeconscientiousandfrugalaswestrovetoscaleourselvesback.

Whenwedidscore,IzzyandIwrotealotbecausebackthenheroinwasagreatcatalystforus.Ithoughtitwasthecoolestofallthedrugsbecauseitmademefeelreallyateasewitheverything;itmeltedawaymyinhibitionsandinsecurities.Onsmack,Iwascoolandconfidentsocollaboratingwaseasy.Assoonaswe’dgethigh,IzzyandIwouldstartjammingandworkingoutideas,justtradingriffsandchordsbackandforth.Somethingalwaysseemedtocomeoutofitnaturally,itseemedsoinspired.

IHAVEAWAYOFSITTINGDOWNWITHtheguitarandcomingupwiththesehard-to-playriffs;they’reunorthodoxfingeringsofsimplemelodies.It’smywayofgettingintoplayingorfindingsomethinginterestingtodoasopposedtojustpracticingscales.Tothisday,Istilldoit;ratherthandoingobvious“exercises,”Iinventrunsofmyowndesignthatbothloosenupmyfingersandkeepmyearsengaged,becauseifpracticingdoesn’tsoundgood,whybotherwithitatall.

ThatiswhatIwasdoingonenightasIzzysatdownonthefloortojoinme.

“Hey,whatisthat?”heasked.

“Idon’tknow,”Isaid.“Justfuckingaround.”

“Keepdoingit.”

HecameupwithsomechordsandsinceDuffwasthere,hecameupwithabassline,asStevenplannedouthisdrumbeat.Withinanhourmylittleguitarexercisehadbecomesomethingelse.

Axldidn’tleavehisroomthatnight,buthewasjustasmuchapartofthecreativeprocessastherestofus:hesatupthereandlistenedtoeverythingweweredoingandwasinspiredtowritelyricsthatwerecompletebythenextafternoon.Theybecameanodetohisgirlfriendandfuturefirstwife,ErinEverly,daughterofDonEverlyoftheEverlyBrothers.

We’dfoundarehearsalstudioinBurbankcalledBurbankStudios,whichwasnothingmorethanabigwarehouseownedbythisoldAsiancouple,whichiswherewereallystartedtoworkonthepreproductionforAppetite,perfectingthesongswe’dalreadydemoed.Atournextsession,weworkedournewsongintoacompletemovement:wewroteabridge,addedaguitarsolo,andsoitbecame“SweetChildo’Mine.”

Thatwasallfineandwell,butwestilldidn’thaveaproducer.TomcameupwiththeideatotryoutSpencerProffer,who’dworkedwithTinaTurner,QuietRiot,andW.A.S.P.,whoAxllikedalotbackintheday,sowewentforit.WetookourgeardowntoPashaStudios,whichwaswhereSpenceroperatedoutofatthetimeandweagreedtoworkon“SweetChild”togetherasatest.Spencerwasagreatguy;hewasactuallytheonewhosuggestedthatthesongneededadramaticbreakdownbeforeitsultimatefinale.Hewasright…butwehadnoideawhatwewantedtodothere.Allofussataroundthecontrolroom,listeningtoitoverandover,devoidofaclue.

“Wheredowego?”Axlsaid,moretohimselfthantherestofus.“Wheredowegonow?…Wheredowego?”

“Hey,”Spencersaid,turningthemusicdown.“Whydon’tyoujusttrysingingthat?”

Andsobecamethatdramaticbreakdown.

Weworkedupasoliddemoof“SweetChild,”andworkedwithSpencerondemosforabouthalfthetunesonAppetite,butbytheendoftheprocesswejustdidn’tfeelconfidentthathewastheproducerforus,soourquestcontinued.

ITWASN’TLOOKINGGOOD—I’MSURETomwasathiswit’send,butrightatthebreakingpoint,wefoundamanager.Technically,weweresupposedtobemanagedbyStiefelandcompany,whosehousewewerelivingin,butsinceneitherTomnorwehadanyinteractionwiththem,wecontinuedtotakemeetingswithpotentialmanagers.TheonethatstucktothewallsotospeakwasAlanNiven,aguywhoknewrightawaywhathewaswalkingintobyworkingwithus.

IzzyandImetAlanatabarandIcouldbarelykeepmyeyesopensittingthereonmystool,butthatdidn’tseemtobotherAlanatall.Fromthestarthe

thereonmystool,butthatdidn’tseemtobotherAlanatall.Fromthestarthethrivedontherecklessenergyofourbandandwasexcitedtogetusovertheinitialhumpthathadstalledusonourwaytorecordingandtouringandbecomingaprofessionalentity.Iwasveryjadedand,asImentioned,Iwasveryparanoidaboutanyonewhoaimedtogetinsideourcircle.ButIrespectedAlanbeforeIevenmethim:hewasthearchitectbehindtheSexPistols’signingwithEMIsoIknewthathehadskills.Hewasacharming,raffishNewZealanderwhotooktoIzzyrightoffthebatandknewthatwewereworththeeffort.Alandidn’ttrytoexerthiswillinthecreativearena—heleftthattous—hejustdidwhathedidbest:marketingandmanagement;thatwashisforte.

AlanmeteveryonewhilewewerestillworkingwithSpencerdownatPashaandlistenedtoallofthedemoswe’ddoneanddecidedthatweshouldtakethosetakes,addaliveaudiencetrack,andreleaseitallasaliveEP.Hethoughtitwasessentialforustogetsomeproductoutwhilewestillhadastrongbuzzintheindustry;itwouldkeeptheexcitementalivewhilewerecordedourfull-lengthalbum.

WecameupwiththeideaofreleasingtheEPonourownlabel,whichweinsistedwasfinancedbyGeffen.Itwouldappeartobea“live”EPonan“indie”labelbutintruthitwouldn’tbeeither.WecalledthelabelUziSuicideandtheEPLiveLikeaSuicide.Itwasuntoucheddemosoffoursongswe’dbeenplayingsinceourfirstrehearsal:Aerosmith’s“MamaKin,”RoseTattoo’s“NiceBoys,”andtwoofourown,“MovetotheCity”and“RecklessLife.”They’rerawIguess,butifyouaskmetheystillsoundprettyfuckinggood.

PlayingtheTroubadourcirca1986.

Sonowwehadamanagerandnowwehadhalfanalbumof“live”tracksandZutautwashappy.HebelievedtheEPwouldattracteligibleproducers.Itdefinitelygotusnoticed:IrememberleavingAlan’shouseinRedondoBeachwithDuffandhearing“MovetotheCity”playedonKNEC,thisgreatheavymetalstationoutofLongBeach.TheEPwasaclearindicationofouraesthetic,nottomentionourlifestyle,andasithadalwaysbeen,thereweren’ttoomanyeasy-to-findlike-mindedsouls.Tosaytheleast,ittookafewdryrunstofindtherightguy.

ITWASAGREEDTHATPLAYINGAFEWgigswouldkeepusvisibleandkeepusfromlosingmomentum.I,forone,knewthatiftherewasn’tanyconcreteworkcommitmentonthehorizon,itwaslikelythatI’dtreateverydaylikeavacation.WewentbackuptoSanFranciscotoopenforJetboyattheStone,followedbyagigtwonightslateropeningforTedNugentattheSantaMonicaCivicCenter.

AtthetimewewerestilllivingattheStiefelhouseofficially,thoughoncewechoseAlanasourmanager,webegantovacateinanticipationoflettingStiefelknowthebadnews.AxlmovedbacktoErin’s,Idon’tknowwhereStevenwasstaying,andDuffwaswherehe’dalwaysbeen,soIzzyandIbecametheonlyfull-timeresidents,livingincomfortablesqualorinthedownstairsback

theonlyfull-timeresidents,livingincomfortablesqualorinthedownstairsbackbedroom.Itwasagypsylikescene;ourfriendDannycrashedtheremuchofthetime,too,amidthesparselyappointedrooms.

FindingdopeinL.A.hadbecomedifficultsuddenly,soDannyandIscouredthestreetsregularlylookingtoscore.Oneofthosenightswegotluckyandmanagedtopickupasizableamount.Wewereelated;wedrovebacktothehouseandstasheditallinagun-shapedlighterofmine.WehiditinmydrawerbecausethenextmorningwewereofftoSanFrancisco.Isawnoreasontobringanyalong,becauseinSanFrancisco,I’dneverhadaproblemscoringtop-gradeChinaWhite.

Wepackedallthegearinthevanwe’drented;DannyandIzzyandIdroveupinDanny’scar,andwhenwegotthere,IzzyandIwentstraighttosomeone’sapartment,whereweplannedtoscoreourshit.Thedealerdidn’tgettherebeforetheshow,sowewentanddidthegig,whichwasablurbecauseallthatIcouldthinkaboutwasgettingmysmackafterward.Therestofthebandpackedup,Dannyincluded,andheadedbacktoL.A.,whileIzzyandIofferedtodriveDanny’scarbackourselvesbecausewewantedtoscore.Wewentbacktotheapartmentandwaitedaroundfortheshittoshowup.Wewaited…wewaited…wewaited…nothing.Atthatpoint,weweregettingjumpy,andwhenthedealerfinallyshowedupitwascrap—justuseless.Welookedateachother,bothrealizingthatwewereafuckofalongwayfromhome,andwedidn’thavemuchtimebeforeweturnedintopumpkins.

Itwaswellintothenextmorningwhenwehittheroad,butweknewthat,attheveryleast,Ihadabunchofshitstashedbackatthehouse.Allwaswell,weweremakinggoodtime…untilweranoutofgas.Welostagoodhourtherewhatwithhitchingtothegasstationandback.Oncewegotonourwayagain,speedingtomakeupforlosttime,astheitchinessstalkedus,wegotaflattire.Changingatireisneverfun,butwhenyourinternalclockiscountingdownthesecondstoyourdemise,it’ssomethingelsealtogether.

Wefinallygothomethatnight,thinkingthatwewerecoolandallwaswell.There’sadopecamaraderiethatkicksinbetweenjunkieswhoareabouttogethightogether,andasIzzyandIheadedintothehouse,wewerethegreatestfriends,justastightascanbe;allarminarmandlaughingabouteverythingwe’djustbeenthroughgettingthere.Wewentintomyroom,Iopenedupmystashdrawer…anddiscoveredthatallmyshitwasgone.

ThenIcalledDanny.

ThenIcalledDanny.

“Hey,”Isaid.“Didn’tIstashmyshitinmylighter?”

“Yeah,”hesaidinnocently.

“It’sgone.”

“Noway.”

“Ican’tfindit.”

“Thatreallysucks.”

“Getoverhereandhelpme!”

IzzyandDannyandIproceededtotearthebedroomapart,thentherestofthehouse.IknewthatIhadputitthereandIknewthatDannywastheonlyonetherewithmewhenIdid,butIwaswillingtogivehimthebenefitofthedoubt.

“Man,youknowwhat?”Dannysaidafterwe’dexhaustedeverypossiblestashspot.Heshookhishead.“Ihidit.IhiditwhenIwashigh.I’mgoingtotrytorememberwhere…letmethink.”

AfterDannythoughtaboutitlongandhard,hecameupwithafewcornerswehadn’tchecked;afewwildgoosechases.Thenhewenthomeagain,leavingIzzyandmewiththeimpossibletaskoftryingtohookupwithSammy,ourPersiandealer—ouronlydealeratthetime.Itwasnotlookinggood:webeepedSammyeverytenminutesandhenevercalledback.

Thenextmorning,Izzy’sgirlfriendDezicameoverandshecouldtellthatthesituationwasdire:we’dbeenupallnight,we’ddrivenfromSanFrancisco,we’dbeenpagingdealersunsuccessfullyallday,andwehadtoopenforTedNugentinafewhours.IzzyandIweretrippingout,nothingwashappening,wehadnooneelsetocall,andwewerewrecked.Wewerestartingtojonesprettyhard;wewerelikevampiresoutofBlackula,justrollingaroundonthegroundandgoingtothebathroomtopukeeveryfiveminutes.

OurshowwithTedNugentwasallthewaydowninSantaMonica,atseven-thirtyp.m.Sammywasnotcallingusback,sowehadtofigureouthowweweregoingtogetsomethinginoursystem—anythingatall—tomakeushumanenoughtomaketheshow.Wewereinnoconditiontoperform,letaloneeven

enoughtomaketheshow.Wewereinnoconditiontoperform,letaloneevendriveourselvestothegig.Indesperation,DezicalledherfriendMelissa,wholivedupinHollywood,inIzzy’soldapartment.ShehadheardfromSammyandwasgoingtomeethimshortly.

Thatwasenoughtomotivateus:wedroveovertheresomehowandhungoutwaitingforMelissatoreturnwithourdrugs.Itlookedlikewemighthavetakencareofoneproblem,butatthesametime,itwasaroundfivep.m.andwewereaboutanhourfromthegig.Finallyshereturned,IzzyandIgotourshit,wedidallthat,andwhatareliefthatwas.Fuck!Wewereonceagainfunctional.Wehadbarelyenoughtimetojoinourband,whowerewaitingforussothatwecouldplayourfirstarena,toasold-outcrowdofthreethousand.

Wehightaileditoverthere.Wehadnoartistsorparkinglotpassesonus,andafterthenightwe’dhad,welookedlikescabsoffthestreet.WeleftDezitoparkthecarandclimbedthefenceatthebackofthearenaforlackofabetterplan.IntheprocessIgotcaughtonthechainlinksandthebuttonofmyjeanspoppedoff,soIspenttherestofthenightmakingsuremyzipperdidn’tgoallthewaydownleavingmehangingoutthere,becauseI’veneverbeenthetypetowearunderwear.

IzzyandIsomehowsnuckintotheloadingareaandmadeituptothebackstagearea,andaswestarteddownthehallwaytowardthestageIsawGeneSimmons.Hewasstandingattheotherendgivingusaforebodingstare,whichissomethingheisverygoodatdoing.Ihadnoideawhyhewasthere,butitaddedtothesurrealqualityofthelasttwenty-fourhours.IzzyandIgottothedressingroomwithlessthantenminutestospare.Theguysmayhavebeenannoyedatfirst,buttheyweresoonrelieved.Disasteraverted…wetookonelookinthemirrorandheadedtothestage.

Andthatwasthefirsttimeweeverplayed“SweetChildo’Mine”live.Ihadn’tatallmasteredthesignaturerifftothedegreethatIcouldexecuteitonawhim,butIpulleditoffanywayandthebandasawholeplayeditreallywell.Thewholesetwasgood,andwehadacollectionoffriendsthere:Yvonne,MarcCanter,andafewmoreofmy“normal”friends.Evenbetter,rightafterwegotoffstage,IzzygotbeepedbackfromSammy,whowasgoingtomeetusattheStiefelhouse.Yvonneandherfriendsweretherebackstage,andatthetimesheandIweretogetheragainandthewholeinterventionincidentwasbygones.Shedidn’tknowexactlywhereIwasintermsofdrugs—andIdidn’tfeeltheneedtotellher.

Shewasjusttherebeingaverysupportivegirlfriend,cheeringherboyfriendonathisfirstbiggigatalivearena.Allthingsconsidered,shewaslettingmedomything.Ofcourseshewantedtocelebrateafterward,whichwasaproblem.Icouldn’twaittogetoutofthereandgethometododrugs,butIdidn’twanthertoknowsoItriedtotellherthatI’dcallherandwe’dmeetupafterwedroppedoffourguitars,butshewasn’thavingit—sheandherfriendsweregoingtomeetusupatthehouse.

IzzyandDannyandIcouldn’tthinkofabetterwaytocelebrateourshowthanwithsomesmack,soweflewbacktowardGriffithParktoscore.Itwassoearlythatitwasn’tevendarkoutyet,soaswecruisedupFairfaxandstoppedforaredlightatFountain,itwaseasytoseeourdealerSammy’scarinthelanebesideus.Itaddedtotheelated,epicmoodoftheday—andcutSammy’scommuteinhalf.Atthispoint,IfeltlikeIstoodachanceofgettinghighatthehousebeforeYvonnearrived.

WescoredfromSammy,speduptothehouse,andraninsidelikelunatics:IzzyduckedintoourroomandslammedthedoorandIlockedmyselfinSteven’sbathroom,whichwaslitbyaredbulbhe’dinstalled.Iwasintheretryingtonavigatemyfix,allwhileshakingandhuffingandpuffingfromnervesinthisunnaturalredlight,whensuddenlythere’saknockatthedoor.

“Hey,babe,”Yvonnesaid.“Areyouinthere?”

“Oh,yeah,Iam!”Isaid….“YesIam.ButI’mtakingashower.I’mallsweatyfromtheshow.”ThenIturnedonthewater.

“Letmein,babe,”shesaid.

“I’mintheshower,”Isaid.“I’llberightout.”

IfinishedwhatIneededtodo,Ithrewsomewateronmyself,andIwentoutside.I’mprettysuresheknewaboutit.Yvonnedidn’twanttostayoveratourhouse—Ican’timaginewhy—soIagreedtogobacktoherplacewithher.AndthatwasthenightthatIdecidedfuckit,I’lljustkick.I’dfixedintheearlyevening,soitworeoffataboutonea.m.andforthenextfewdaysIdidacoldturkeythereinYvonne’sbed.Itwasn’tthelasttimeI’ddosobeforeweallgotittogethertorecordAppetite,buteachtimeIdid,Inevertoldherwhatwasreallygoingon.IactedlikeIhadthefluandplayeddownhowterribleIfelt.Yvonne

wasbusy;shewasinschool,somostofthosedaysIwasonmyowninbed,inhell.Thetruthwas,shewashappyenoughthatwhensheleftIwasthereandwhenshecamebackIwasthere,evenifIwasjustashadowofmyselfonmyback,inherbed.

IkickedatYvonne’sthattimeforawholeweek,anddespitethepotentialfiascosurroundingthegig,nooneknewaboutitforbetterorforworse.Everyoneinthebandwasonsuchahighafterthatshow;IonlyregretthatIdidn’tmeetTedNugentthatnight,becausehe’dbeensuchahugeinfluenceonmewhenIwasyoung.

DannyeventuallyadmittedtoIzzyandmethathe’ddoneallofthatdopeI’dstashed,andI’veneverforgivenhimforit.Itwasacold-bloodedthingtodothatnearlyruinedIzzyandmeintheeyesofourbandmates.Ifithadallgonewrong,itwouldhavecausedourbanduntoldprofessionalembarrassmentataverycrucialpointforus.Butthat’sthethingaboutsmack—it’sthedevil.Itissoalluringandseductivethatitturnsyouintoadishonest,backstabbingdemon.Beingajunkieisakintowhatweimaginevampiresare:ithasanenticingauraatfirstbutitbecomesahungerthatmustbefedatallcosts.Itcompletelytakesover,anditreelsyouin.Itstartswithatastehereandatastethereandthenyou’redoingitallthetime.Youthinkit’syourchoice,butit’snotthatway—soonyouneedtodoitallthetime.Thenyou’rehookedintoareallyviciouscyclebeforeyou’reevenawarethatyou’vebecomejustanotherstatistic.

INTRUEGUNSFASHION,IDON’TTHINKweeverformallyinformedStiefelandcompanythatweweren’tgoingtosignwiththem—wejustdesertedthehouse,leavingaseaoftrashandpropertydamageinourwakethatTomZutauthadtodealwith.Alanwasourmanagerandthatwasthat.

ReleasingtheLiveLikeaSuicideEPaffordedasmalladvance,soIzzyandStevenrentedasmallapartmentjustsouthofSunsetrightneartheRock’n’RollRalph’s—thesupermarketinWestHollywoodwhereeverylocalmusicianbuysbeerandwhateverelsetheysubsiston.Duffwaswherehealwayswas,livingwithKaterina,andAxllivedwithErin.Iwastheonlyblatantlyvagrantmemberoftheband,shackingupwithYvonneorothergirlsorcrashingonwhicheverfloorIfoundattheendofthenight.

Atthispointintime,thereweremanystrippersinourmidst.AllIcansayisGodblessthemall.Manyabandbeforeandafterushavehadthisconnection.

Godblessthemall.Manyabandbeforeandafterushavehadthisconnection.Stripperswhohangtogetherarevirtuallylikeabandthemselves,andwerelatedtooneanother.Theyweregenerousandthoughtwewerecuteordark,mysteriousmusicians,orjustlostpuppiesthattheyhadtotendtoandfoundattractive.Andmaybetheyfeltprotectedaroundus,too.Thefactthattheyusuallyhadthisuninhibitedsexualenergydidn’thurt.Allinall,theywereentirelyappropriateforguyslikemyself.

TherewasonenamedChristinawhohadaroommate,andI’dshackwitheitheroneofthemonanygivennight.Ilivedthereforawhileandwouldsleepinoneortheother’sroom,orwiththemboth,dependingonhowthingswent.ThosegirlsliveddownthestreetfromIzzyandSteveninanapartmentbuildingfullofstrippersonLaCienega.Iwashookedupoverthere,youcouldsay,andcalledthatplacehomeasthebandproceededthroughanotherwaitingperiod,which,asusual,spellednothingbuttrouble.

Steven,Izzy,andIhadalotoffunoveratChristina’s:dopewasmorereadilyavailablenowthatwewereallbackinHollywood,thoughstillnowherenearasplentifulasithadbeenwhenwe’dlivedtherelast.AfterIgotclean,though,Ididmybesttostayoffit.IrememberonenightIwashangingoutwithAxlandIzzyoveratthestripperhouseandtryingmybesttoabstain.Ididn’thaveanymoneyonmethatnight:dopewasscarceenoughthatitcouldbefoundbutnoteasilyenoughthatpeoplewerewillingtoshareforfree.IthoughtIcouldjusthangoutandnotdoit,butIcouldn’t—Ihadtogetoutofthere.Notlongafterthat,Iwasbackonit—itwasnouse.

IcrashedwhereverIcould,anddidwhatevercametomind,andtherewasapointintherewhenIhookedupwithDaveMustaineofMegadeth.Webecamefriends;hewasstrungoutonsmackandcrackandhelivedinthesameneighborhood,sowehungoutandwrotesongs.Hewasatrue,completefuckingmaniacandageniusriffwriter.We’dhangout,smokecrack,andcomeupwithmajorheavymetalriffs,justfuckingdarkandheavyashell.SometimesDaveEllefsonwouldjoinus;wegotalonggreat,wewrotesomegreatshit.Itgottothepoint,inourdrug-fueledcreativezone,thatwestartedseriouslyentertainingtheideaofmyjoiningMegadeth.Gunswasinaholdingpattern,afterall,andIwashighenoughtoconsiderallkindsofbaddecisions.DaveMustaineisstilloneofthemostgeniusmusiciansIhaveeverjammedwith,butstill,inmyheartofhearts,IknewIcouldn’tleaveGuns.

AnotherplaceIfrequented,asdidmanyofus,wasHellHouse,apitthat

AnotherplaceIfrequented,asdidmanyofus,wasHellHouse,apitthatembodiedourcollectivemindatthetime.ItwasaveryobviousRorschachtestforanyonewhomightconsiderworkingwithusorknowingusatall.HellHousewasaWestArkeenproduction;itwasaplace—intheory,a“home”—thathe’drentedwithafewofhisHarley-DavidsonbikerfriendswhohadrelocatedfromtheEastCoast.

Thehousewasaranchwiththreebedroomsalongoneendfromfronttoback.TherearbedroomwasoccupiedbyRedEdandhisgirlfriend/wife.Theirroomwasoff-limitstoallbecauseEdwasthebiggestbikerinresidenceandhisgirlwasanevenmoreformidablethreat—youknewonsightnottofuckwithher—buttheywerebothsweetascouldbe.Nooneeverdisturbedtheirroom;infactIdon’tthinkanyonehadeverevenbeeninit.Themiddlebedroomwaswheretheseotherbikers,PaulandDelJames,lived.Theirplacewassetuptobeasmallhomerecordingstudio,andWesthadthebedroominthefront,whichwassuchapigstythatnoonewantedtogointhere.Allyoucoulddowasliedownonthebed;itwassuchamessyoucouldn’tstandinthereandyoucouldn’tsitdown.

IhearthattherewasabackyardatHellHouse…I’dlovetoknowwhatitlookedlike.DuringallofthetimethatIspentthere,includingmytimeasaresident,Inevermadeitpastthekitchen.Thatwasoneoftheareas,alongwiththelivingroom,wheretransientmemberslikemegatheredandlefttheformidablebikersandtheirgirlfriendswellenoughaloneintheirrooms.Visitorswereallowedinthelivingroom,thekitchen,andthatotherroom…Iguessitwasthe“den.”Therewasalsothepantry,whereWestoftenchosetopassout.Aschaoticasitwas,somekindofunspokenlawappliedwherenoonedisturbedthelegalresidents,whileeverycommonareawasafree-for-allwarzonewhereeverythinginsightcouldbebrokenorlitonfirenoproblem.

Ican’timaginewhodecidedtorentthosefuckupstheirpropertybecausetheyturneditintoacommunalcrashpadmoregruesomethananythingelseI’veeverseeninafirst-worldcountry.Itwasthesecond-to-laststructureontheblock;itwassurroundedbyapartmentbuildings,andthefrontlawnslopedupsothatitlookedlikeitwasonahill.ItwasjustsouthofSunsetonPoinsettia,andasyoucamedowntheblock,itstuckoutlikethehouseinPsycho.Therewereafewthingsthatonlyspendinganighttherecouldteachyou,themostimportantbeingthatifyoulaydownanywheretherewasatwo-to-onechancethatyou’dleavewithcrabs.I’mstillnotsurewhythelotofusweren’tjusthauledinbythecopseverysinglenight.Therewerealwayscarsandbikesonthelawnandtrash

allovertheplace;therewerealwayspeoplecomingandgoingandloudmusicatallhoursofthenight.HellHousewassoraucousthatfromadistanceitappearedtobevibrating.

OneoftheregularstobefoundatHellHousewasDelJames,atrueoxymoron:hewasabikerguywithtattoosandthewholething,buthewasawriter.DelwastightwithallofusatonepointbuthebecametighterwithAxlastimewenton.Axlreallytooktohim,respondingtohisintellectandhowDelpatientlylistenedtoAxlexpresshimselfdeeply.TheydidalotofwritingtogetherandIthinktheystilldo.Delendedupwritingtreatmentsforsomeofourvideos,aswellashavingwrittentheshortstorythatinspiredAxltowrite“NovemberRain.”

Duringthisbitofbanddowntimeaswesearchedforaproducer,wefrequentedHellHouseabittoomuch,butIwastheonlyonevagrantenoughtolivethereonandoffaswell.Ievendidafewearlyinterviewsthere.WhenIreadthemIcouldn’tbelievehowshockedthejournalistswerebythesurroundings.Tometherewasnothingcrazyaboutitatall.

Shegaveeachandeveryoneofuscrabs.

MYOTHERMAINSOCIALSCENE,ASIDEfromHellHouseandthestrippercomplexacrossthestreetfromIzzyandSteve,revolvedaroundtheladiesoftheSeventhVeil,whichisastripclubonSunsetthatisstillaliveandkicking.IlikedtoshackupwithafewofthegirlswhoworkedtherewhosharedanapartmentoffHollywoodBoulevardwherewe’dusuallydrinkourselvessenselessallnightlong.OneofthegirlsinthatscenewasnamedCameron.Everysingleoneofusfuckedheratonepointoranother,andStevenendedupdatingherforawhile,andacrosstheboardshegaveeachandeveryoneofuscrabs.Itwasridiculous;westartedtocallherCraberon—toherface.Igaveherthebenefitofthedoubt;IthoughtthatmaybeI’dpickedupcrabsoveratHellHouseoranyoftheotherquestionableplacesIchosetosleepatthetime,butthatwasn’tthecase.CraberonhadanicelittleapartmentofherowninWestHollywoodandtheonetimeIsleptwithheroverthereIgotcrabsthere,too.

AnotherstripperworthmentioningisAdriannaSmith,thegirlthatbothAxlandStevendatedandthatAxlforeverimmortalizedonourdebutrecord…butwe’llgettoallofthatinjustalittlebit.MylittleuniverseoverattheSeventhVeilwasgreat:I’dshowuparoundelevenp.m.,gathersometipmoneyfromthe

girls,headdowntotheliquorstore,stockuponJimBeam(thepoorman’sJackDaniel’s),andhaveapartystartedforthembackattheirplacewhentheygotoffwork.Assomeonewithnoplaceofhisown,itwasthebestsetupIcouldimagine:acool,recklessspotfullofgirlswhereIcouldgetawaywithdrinkingordoingwhateverelseIwantedtodowithoutanyonegivingmeahardtime.

Inthebackofmymind,Iwasawarethatwewerenoclosertochoosingaproducerandthattheinertiawasdestroyingus.Iwasstrungout,drinking,doingdrugswhenIcould,withverylittlemoney—andtherestofusweren’tmuchbetter.Iwasbacktorelyingonfriendsandlivingoncouchesandlivingthestreetlifeonceagain—butthiswasworsethantheolddays.BackthenitwasfunbecausethebandandIwereworkingtowardsomething.Nowitfeltlikeweweretoodisorganizedandfuckeduptobeanythingotherthanvagrantsandwe’d“madeit.”IknewdeepinsidethatIneededtogetmyshittogether,thatIcouldn’tlastintheabyssmuchlonger.

Aroundthistime,ourdealerSammygotbusted,andthatwasarealturningpoint.IwasatIzzyandSteven’sthatdayandIzzy’sgirlfriendDezihadgoneouttomeetSammyforusatoneofhisregularlyscheduledspotswhereallofhisclientscameoutofthewoodworktoscore.Thecopshadplannedasting,andwhenDezileftandnevercamebackwegotworried.Muchlateronwegotherphonecallfromjail.They’dtakeninallofSammy’sclients,andweregoingtospringher,butSammywasnotcomingbackforalong,longtime.Thatwasabigrealitycheckforus;IrememberIzzyandIdesperatelyscouringthestreetslookingforsomesmack.Itwasamess.IendedupgoingbacktoYvonne’sandkickingthereforthethirdtime.Ijuststayedupfordaysanddidn’tfeelwell,claimingI’dcaughtthefluagain.

Meanwhile,TomZutautwasathiswit’send.HecalledusintoGeffenoneday,wethoughttodiscussanotherhandfulofproducersthathewantedustomeet.Oncehegotusinhisoffice,hejuststaredatusforawhile.Iwasnoddingout,stillamessfromdryingoutatYvonne’s,andtherestoftheguyslookedroughaswell.

“WhatthehellcanIdoforyou?”hesaid.“Takealookatyourselves.Doyoueventhinkyou’recapableofmakingarecord?!Youguyshavetogetittogether!Getfocused!Timeisrunningout!”

Hiscommentshungintheair,buttheymadeanimpressionbecauseslowlybutsurely,withoutmakingabigdealaboutitorevenacknowledgingit,wegot

butsurely,withoutmakingabigdealaboutitorevenacknowledgingit,wegotourselvestogether.

ALANNIVENANDTOMZUTAUTHADSENTeveryproducerintowntomeetus,andjustwhenitseemedhopelessonefinallystuck—MikeClink.Wedidonesessionwithhimandrecorded“ShadowofYourLove,”whichwasthebestsonginthesetthefirsttimeIsawHollywoodRose.Ourversionofitdidn’tmakethealbum,butitwaseventuallyreleasedonaJapaneseEP.

Inanycase,whenwelistenedback,itwasallthere:finallyweheardourselvesontapeexactlythewaywewantedto.Itwasjustus,butrefined;ClinkhadcapturedtheessenceofGunsN’Roses.Finallyallsystemswerego.We’dspentsevenmonthsinlimbo,barelyplayingandintermittentlyrecordingwithproducersthatweren’tright.Itfeltlikeaneternity;becausethewaywelived,afewmonthswouldhavedecimatedalesserband.

MikeClinkhadwhatittook;heknewhowtodirectourenergyintosomethingproductive.Heknewhowtocaptureoursoundwithoutlosingitsedgeandhehadtherightkindofpersonalitytogetalongwitheveryone.Clink’ssecretwassimple:hedidn’tfuckwithoursound—heworkedhardtocaptureitperfectly,justasitwas.It’samazingthatnoonehadthoughtofthat.ClinkhadworkedwithHeartandJeffersonStarship,butwhatsolduswasthathe’dworkedonUFO’sLightsOut.Thatrecordwasastandouttoallofus,becauseMichaelSchenker’sguitarplayingonitwasbothoutstandingandsoundedamazing.

I’vealwaysfoundthatproducersarethetypeofpeoplewhohavealltheanswerstootherpeople’sproblemsbutnevertotheirown.They’rethefirsttotellotherpeoplewhattodo,howtoplay,howtosound—allofit.Theyoftendon’thavetheirownidentity,whichmakesthemhardtorespect.Mikewasdifferent,hewasamiable,hewasneverintrusive,hewaseasygoing,quiet,andobservant.Andheknewwhohewas.Ratherthanmakesuggestionsasifheknewbetter,hechosetotakeitallin.Fromthestartwecompletelyrespectedhim.

WebookedourselvestimeatS.I.R.studiosandwithMikeattheboard,thebandfeltfreetobeourselves;atourveryfirstpreproductionsession,westartedwritingwhatwouldlaterbecome“YouCouldBeMine.”Atanothersession,westartedtoworkup“PerfectCrime,”whichwassomethingthatIzzybroughtin.Weweren’tintheretowritenewmaterial,butweweresocomfortablethatit

justcametous.

WestartedtodemoallofthesongsthatwewereconsideringforAppetite,andwentthroughthemwithMikeprettymuchaswe’ddonethembeforewithveryfewchanges.TheonlycreativeshiftthatoccurredwasoneofAlan’ssuggestionsactually.In“WelcometotheJungle,”originallywerepeatedthesectionwhereAxlsings“Whenyou’rehigh,youneverwanttocomedown.”Alansuggestedtakingoneofthemout.Hewasright.Itmadethesongtighter.Butasidefromthat,allofthosesongswerecapturedastheywereinoneortwotakes.It’satestamenttohowwellthingsweregoinginthestudioandhowgreatamoodwewerein.Weneverlistenedtosuggestions—fromanyone.Butwewerewillingtogiveitashot,andwefoundoutthatitworked.AlanwasalreadymanagingGreatWhiteatthetime;healsoproducedthemandservedasacowriter.It’saverygoodthingthatnoneofuswereawareofthatatthetime,becausethatsessionmightnothavegonesowelland“WelcometotheJungle”mighthavebeenaverydifferentsong.ItneverbotheredmeoncewefoundoutaboutAlan’sconnectiontoGreatWhite,butithadquiteanegative,snowballeffectamongsomeoftheothermembersofourband.

IcanonlyimaginehowecstaticTomwasthatGunsN’Rosesnowhadarealmanagerandaproducerthatwewantedtoworkwith.Ittookacoupleofyears,butitfinallylookedlikethisgroupoflunaticsthathe’dconvincedthelabeltobelieveinwasactuallygoingtoturnoutthewayhe’dpromisedwewould.

AlansetusupinRumboStudioinCanogaPark,whereClinklikedtowork,todoourbasiclivetracks.CanogaParkwasclosetowhereStevengrewupintheValley,whichwasaforeigncountryasfarasIwasconcerned.Ithinkthatmighthavebeenthepoint—theythoughtkeepingusoutofHollywoodwouldforceustofocusonrecording.AlanrentedusanapartmentattheOakwoods,whicharethesegenericfullyfurnishedcomplexesallovertheworld.Healsorentedusavanfortransportation.Forsomereason,Ican’timaginewhy,Ibecamethedesignateddriver.

Mikehiredsomerealprofessionalstohelpouthisstreetrats:Porky,afamousguitartech,andJame-O,thedrumtech.They’ddonehundredsofrecords,totalproswhowerealsofun-lovingpartiers.Theywereinvaluabletous.

Recordingarealalbuminaproperstudiowasnewtous:we’ddonedemos

invariouslocationsaroundL.A.Someofthemwereepic:wedidtheearliestversionsof“Don’tCry”and“WelcometotheJungle”atHollywoodSound,inthesamestudiowhereLedZeppelinrecordedtheirsecondalbum.Someofoursessionswereepicinadifferentway,suchasthetimewegotintoanaltercationoverpaymentwiththeownerofsomeshittystudioinHollywood.Hewassocokedoutthathepulledagunonus.

“You’regonnafuckingpayme,”hesaid,hiseyesopenedfartoowide.“Rightnow!”

“Oh,you’reright,”wesaid.“Yes,we’rewrong…you’reright;we’rejustgoingtogo.”

Someonegrabbedourtapesonthewayoutandthankfullynoonegotshot.

Thefirstdayofrecording,wecommencedwith“OutTaGetMe,”doingthesamethingwe’dalwaysdone,butinanentirelynewsetting:wesetupinabigliveroomandjustjammed.WhenIheardtheplayback,IrealizedthatIhadahugeissueonmyhands:myguitarsoundedlikeshitcomingthrougharealstudio’ssoundboard.

Duringmyperiodofrecklessness,I’dmanagedtohocknearlyallofmyequipment,includingSteveHunter’sLesPaul.I’dconvincedMarshalltosendmesomeampswhenwehadourrehearsalspaceoutinBurbankbutI’dneverpaidforthem,sotheytookthemback.BasicallyIhadnothing:atthetimeIhadthreeguitars.TwowereJacksons,oneofwhichhadbeenmadeespeciallyforme:itwasablackFirebirdwithmyShirleytattooonthebody(itsoundedlikeshit).TheotherwasaStrat-likeprototypewithanarchtopthattheyhadloanedtome,andInevergaveback.Itwasoneofonlytwothatwereevermade.MythirdwasaredBCRichWarlock.Andnoneofthemsoundedgoodthroughthestudiomonitors.

Iwassofrustratedandnervous.We’dcomethisfar,andIwasdeterminedtohavemyguitarsoundperfectontherecord.ButIdidn’tknowhowIwasgoingtomakethathappen,becauseIwasmoreorlessbankrupt.ItriedtodownplayhowIfeltduringthosebasictrackingsessionsbydrinkingalotandjumpingaroundwhileIplayedwiththeband,knowingthatsomehowIhadtofigurethisoutandrerecordallofmyparts.Theotherguysweren’tgoingtoneedtodothat—Izzy,Duff,andSteveweresotightrightoffthebatthatthosetracksneedednoimprovementatall.

noimprovementatall.

Recordingwasgoinggreat,butlifeintheValleywasnot.Afterwewrappedeachnight,TomZutaut,Axl,Duff,andMikewouldgohome.Theoretically,Izzy,Steve,andIweresupposedtogototheOakwoodsanddothesame.Usuallyweweremuchtooexcited,sowe’dtrytogooutandwequicklybecameproblematicresidentsofCanogaPark.Wefiguredthattheremustbenightlifesomewhere,sowesoughtoutanythingatallthatappearedtobearockclub,apub,orabar.We’drollintowhatalwaysturnedouttobeaveryconservativeneighborhooddisco,ifthatevenmakessense,orsomebarruledbyasuburbancountry-musicsituation.Ascragglymini-gangoflong-hairedguysineitherofthosescenarioswasaninstantclash.

AtthetimeAlanhadhiredaguynamedLewis,whowasposingasoursecurityguard,tolookafterus.Lewisweighedsomewherebetweenthreehundredandfourhundredpoundsanddrovealate-seventiessedanwiththedriver’sseatpushedcompletelyintothebackseatjusttoaccommodatehisgirth.HewasareallysweetguyfromHoustonandIlovedhim,butwhenhewassupposedtobeonsecuritydetail,hewasusuallyeating.Lewishadthisway,andIdon’tknowhowhedidit,ofgoingaroundtothebackdoorofanyplacewemightgotoandprocuringahugecartonoffoodfromthekitchen.Theywouldliterallygivehimacardboardboxfulltothetopoftake-outcontainerswitheverythingonthemenuinthere.Thiswasn’taburritooratacokindofhandout—Lewishadentireentrées,likefourofeachofthem.ItwassomethingthelikesofwhichI’veneverseen.He’dtakethishaulouttoourcarandjusteat.

Meanwhile,inside,usuallythethreeofusgotintoorjustbarelyavoidedfull-onbarfights.Wewerepsychoenoughtoscarepeopleoffmostofthetime,butsometimesitgotugly.Luckily,weweren’teverhauledouttotheparkinglotbyamobofredneckshitkickers—ifwehad,wemighthaveinterruptedLewis’smeal.

Valleynightlifegotsotediousthatonenightwhenwecamehomeafteragreatdayinthestudioandafewhoursofheavydrinking,wedidtheonlythingthatmadesense:wedestroyedourOakwoodsapartmentKeithMoonstyle.Wetoredowneverythingthatwasn’tnailedtothewall,andsmashedeverythingelsebeyondrecognition.Weturnedthebedsover,wesmashedthenightstands,andwepulledthekitchencounteroutofthewall.Wesmashedthehugesliding-glassdoors,webrokethewindowsandeverymirror,glass,andplateintheplace;wedestroyedtheTV,andthearmoiretheTVwasin.Thereweresplintersandglass

everywhere.Iwokeuponthecouch,whichwasbroken,too,withaninsanehangoverandsurveyedtheroomthroughsquintedeyes.

“Uh-oh,”Imumbled…tomyself.

OncemyaccomplicesandIwereawakeenough,weagreedtolie:wedecidedthatsomeonehadbrokeninwhenweweren’tthere.Wecamebacklatethatnightandpassedout,optingtodealwithitinthemorning.WetoldAlanthatexactstorythatdayatthestudio,becausebythenhe’dbecometheband’smotherfigure,alotlikeMalcolmMcLarenwasfortheSexPistols.

Wehadeveryintentionofstickingtoourbullshitversionofevents,butasAlanbegantoaskquestions,ourstorygotmoreandmoreconfusedandtransparent.Beforehecalledusout,weadmittedeverything.Thefunnythingis,afterconsideringhisoptions,AlandecidedtogobacktotheOakwoodsandfeedthemthesamestorywe’dinvented.Theydidn’tbuyiteither—Ican’timaginewhy—soitwentonourtab.ForawhiletherewewerebannedfromallOakwoodspropertiesworldwide.Apparentlythebanwasliftedsomewherealongtheline,becauseIlivedinanotheroftheirlocationsbrieflyfiveyearslater.Imanagedtobeaproblemoncemore,thistimebymistake:mysnake—Ican’trememberwhichoneIhadwithme—gotadventurousandcrawleddownthetoilet.Itresurfacedinaneighboringroomandscaredtheshitoutofsomeone.Sorryaboutthat…

WEWRAPPEDUPTHEBASICLIVErecordinginjustafewweeksandeverythingsoundedgreat—exceptmyguitar.AlanhadbookedmetimeatastudiocalledTake1torerecordmyparts,butIstillhadn’tfoundaproperguitar.Ididn’tknowwhatIwasgoingtodo;Itriedtoplayitcoolandnotshowsignsofstress,butasourtimedrewtoaclose,therewasnosolutioninsight.OnourverylastdayatRumbo,Alancameintothecontrolroomandlaidaguitarcaseonthesmallcouchbehindthesoundboard.Thelittlecubbywherethecouchfitwaslitbyoneoverheadlight,whichperfectlyspotlightedtheguitarasAlanopenedthecase.

“IpickedthisupfromalocalguyinRedondoBeach,”hesaid.“Hemakesthembyhand.Tryitout.”

Itlookedgood:itwasanamazingflame-top1959LesPaulreplicawithnopickguard,andtwoSeymourDuncanpickups.IfeltitoutandIlikedit,butI

pickguard,andtwoSeymourDuncanpickups.IfeltitoutandIlikedit,butIdidn’tgettoplugitinuntilIarrivedformyfirstsessionatTake1.

IhaveromanticmemoriesofthosedaysatTake1:fromthefirsttothelastmoment,theentireprocesswasmagictome.Itwasasmallplacewithnofrills—basicallyjustaglorifiedhomestudio,butitwasmyfirsttimerecordingguitarparts,andwhatweaccomplishedtherecanneverbeduplicated.

ThemomentIpluggedinmynewguitarIthoughtitsoundedprettygood;Iwasreadytofindtherightamp.WestartedgoingthroughdifferentMarshallheads—manyofthemactually,anditwasanarduousprocess.Iremembertakingeveryrentalamp,puttingitinthestudioroom,mikingit,andpluggingin.I’dplayafewchords,thenmytech,MikeClink,andIwouldtweakthehead,thenI’dplayafewmore.Mikemightmakesomeadjustmentsinthecontrolroomorcomeoutandmovethepositionsofthemicrophones,thenI’dplayafewmorechordsandwe’ddoitallagain.Itwasallentirelyworthit.MikeClinkissuchagenteelandlaid-backguythathejustletmedowhatIneededtodoevenifitwasn’tnecessary:Ikeptrentingandreturningamps;wewentthroughabouteightbeforeIfoundtheonethatsoundedexactlyhowIwanteditto.ItwaslikeanactofGodbecausethisampwasn’tstock—itwasaMarshallthathadbeencustomizedbysomeone.

IuseditontheentirerecordandIintendedtomakeitminewhenthesessionsweredone;Itoldtherentalcompanythatithadbeenstolenfromthestudio.Unfortunately,myownguitartechreturneditwithouttellingme.OnceS.I.R.receivedanampthatI’dreportedstolen,theyweren’texactlyreadytosenditbackouttome:whenIcalledtheytoldmethatithadalreadybeenrentedouttosomeoneelse.

Anyway,whenIheardmyguitarthroughthatamp,Iknewthatitwasrightimmediately;itwasatrulymagicmoment.Ipluggedintoit,asIhadalloftheothers,andcasuallyhitafewchords—andthatwasit.ItwasthatperfectLesPaul/Marshallcombinationwherethedepthoftheguitar’stoneandthecrunchoftheampcometogetherperfectly.Itjustsoundedamazing.

“Holdon,”Mikesaid.“Don’tmove.Don’tdoanything.”

Hemadeafewminortweakstotheheadanditsoundedevenbetter.Andthatwasthat—noadjustmentsweremadetomyguitarsetupfortheentiresession—nomikesweremoved,noknobsturned,nothing.We’dfoundthe

soundI’dbeenlookingforandweweren’tgoingtoloseit.

Thatguitarhasbeenwithmeeversince.ItwasmadebythelateJimFoot,whoownedMusicWorksinRedondoBeach.HemadeaboutfiftyofthoseLesPaulreplicasentirelybyhandwithnodetailoverlooked.Itbecamemyonlyguitarforawhile,andhasbecomemymainstayinthestudioeversince.IthassoundeddifferentoneveryrecordI’vedone,butitisthesameexactguitar.Itjustgoestoshowhowvolatilerecordingis:thesizeandshapeofaroom,thesoundboardusedinrecording,aswellasthemolecularqualityoftheairallplayapart—humidityandtemperatureaffectarecordingtremendously.Wheretheguitarandampisplaced,howitismiked;allofthesethingscandrasticallyinfluencetheresult.

Ididn’tknowanyofthatatthetime,butIamgladthatwedidn’tmovetheamporguitaroneinchfortheAppetitesessions—itwasjustfinewhereitwas.ButnowIunderstandwhyIhaveneverbeenabletore-createmyexactsoundonthatrecordeversince.Itismorethanjustsettingupthesameequipmentinthesamebooth,becausebelievememanyhavetried.TherehasbeenalotofinterestintheequipmentandtheexacttechnicalspecsoftheampthatIusedforAppetitebutitcanneverbereplicated.I’veactuallyplayedamodifiedMarshallampthatissupposedlyidentical,butevenwiththatoriginalguitar,itdidn’tsoundthesame.Itcouldn’t—becauseIwasn’tinthesamestudiounderthesameconditions.Thosesessionswereoneofakind.

IDIDABOUTASONGADAY;I’DSHOWup,makemyselfacoffeeandJackDaniel’s—orwasitaJackDaniel’sandcoffee?—andgettowork.Izzy’sstuffwasonetake—therewasnowayhewasgoingtocomedownandrerecordit,andhedidn’thaveto:hisplayingissohereandthere,justtheessenceofgreatrhythmguitar,thatspendingtoomuchtimeonit,orrecordingitontopofthelivetrack,isjustsilly.Basically,whatIzzyplayedwasthesimpleheartofthesongs,nomatterwhowrotethem;ifeverythingelsewastakenoffoneofoursongs,you’dhearthegraceofIzzy’ssimplescratchrhythms.

Asaunit,theentirebandhadasimplebuteffectivewayofplayingtogether.Stevenwouldwatchmyleftfoottodeterminethetempo,andhe’dlooktoDufftocueeverydrumandbassfill.Thosetwohadareallycohesiverelationship—theywouldcommunicatethechangesandsubtletiesofeverysinglesongthrougheyecontact.Meanwhile,IzzyplayedallaroundtheriffsthatI’dbeplaying

besideDuff:heandIwoulddoLedZeppelin–stylesingle-noteriffswhileIzzybroughtsimplechordpatternsthatfellaroundthebeatinsteadofonit.Foreverydownbeat,Izzyhadanupbeat.Itmadeforaprettycomplex-soundingrock-and-rollband,butatitscoreitwasverysimplyexecuted.

ThefirstsongIworkedoninthestudiowithmynewrigwas“ThinkAboutYou”andtheverylastwas“ParadiseCity.”Duffcamedownthereandhungouteveryday,becausenowthatIwasn’tdoingdope,I’dswitchedtoboozeagainwithheartfeltabandon,soheandIweredrinkingbuddies.IwouldpickDuffupattheapartmentthathesharedwithKaterinaonCrescentHeightsandheandIwouldshowupatthestudioaroundnoon.He’dhangout,listeninginuntilIwrappeditupsometimeintheevening,thenwe’dgooutlookingfortroubleinHollywoodeverysinglenight.Atthetime,troublewasmosteasilyfoundattheCathouse.

TheCathouseinhabitedthebuildingthatusedtobeOsco’s,theridiculousdiscothatwasfeaturedinthemovieThankGodIt’sFriday.IrememberOsco’sbeingthespotforallofthose“crazy”peoplewhenIwasakid,butIneverwentinthere.Itwasenoughformetoseeitfromacrossthestreet:alloftheirmatchingslacksandcoats,silkshirtsandthinbelts,shinyshoesandflashygirlsinred,blue,oryellowsilkydresses,bouncingallaround.Bythenthespacelookeddifferent,andnowitwasours;itmoreorlessbecameourclub,thoughwedidn’trealizeitatfirst.ItwasasifwealreadyhadatablethereintheVIP,butnobodyhadtoldusso.

Weweresortofshyandmeekwhenwefirststartedhangingoutthereuntilwerealizedhowmuchtheowner,RikiRachtman,reallywantedusthere.Oncewediscoveredthatwecouldgetawaywithanythingatthatplace,weexchangedshyandmeekforcrazyandoutofcontrol;itwasasifwe’dbeengivenpsychocarteblanche.IwasknowntobreakabeerbottleovermyheadfornoreasonwhenthemoodcaughtmeandIthoroughlyenjoyedstair-divingheadfirstdownthelongflightofstairsleadingupintotheCathouse,solongasitwaspackedwithpeoplefilingin.WheneverIwatchJackassitmakesmenervous.IneverputafishhookthroughmycheekbutIdefinitelyhadthatmentalitybackthen.

IrememberonenightMikeClinkpolitelyaskingifhecouldcomedownandhangoutwithus,andheshoweduponafirstdatewiththegirlthatheeventuallymarried.Ididmybesttobehaveandmakeconversation,butasIwalkedawayfromthem,inaverySidVicioustypeofmove,Istumbledintoahugeplate-glasswindow,whichshatteredalloverme.

hugeplate-glasswindow,whichshatteredalloverme.

GunsrockstheCathouse.

TheCathousebecameourhavenduringthefinalstagesofmakingtherecord.IgottoknowNikkiSixxreallywellattheCathouse,becausehewastherealot.IranintoYvonneonoccasionoverthere,too.ItwassuchaspotforusthatAxlevenwent,whichalwaysbroughtusaddedattention—evenwe’dgetexcitedbecausehedidn’toftenhangoutwithusattheclubsandbars.Duff,Izzy,andIweregutterrats,butAxlwasmoresophisticated,andalwaysbroughtadifferentedgetotheproceedings.Attheveryleast,heusuallywasn’tpassingoutlikewewere.

AlmosteverynightafterleavingtheCathouse,Iendedupatsomeone’shouse—usuallysomeoneIdidn’tknow.Mostoften,theyweregirls,andifIwasfortunate,they’dletmeshowerthereinthemorningbeforeIheadedoutintherentalvantopickupDuffonmywaytothestudiotoworkonthenextsong.That’sthewayitwent—IhadnomoneyatthetimebutIgotby.Igotlunchonthestudiobudget—itwasalwaysTacoBell.DuffandIweresobrokethatbeforeweheadedtotheCathousetoscamfreedrinksallnight,we’dheadtoMcDonald’sfordinner,wherewe’dusethesegamecouponstocobbletogetherameal.Ifyouboughtanythingyou’dgetoneofthesescratch-offticketsandreceivefreefriesorafreeCokeorahamburger.TherewassomekindofMcRibpromotioncalledMactheKnife,soIdevelopedatasteforthose.We’dpoolourresourcesintoameal,thenwhipbackoverthehillintoHollywood.

resourcesintoameal,thenwhipbackoverthehillintoHollywood.

AnotherpastimeofminewastakingmyfrustrationsoutontherentalvansthatAlanprovidedforus.Therewasnorhymeorreason,I’djustkickthewindowsout,breakthemirrors—anythingglasswasindanger.Idroveoneofthemthroughanindustrial-strengthfenceanddestroyedboththefenceandthevan’sfrontend.Itreatedthosethingsasiftheywerebatteringrams.Iwouldwalkuptoabrand-newoneandsmashtheheadlightsoutbeforeIevengotbehindthewheel.OnenightIdrovethisgirlhome,allthewayuptoEdinburghandSantaMonica,thinkingIwasgettingsomeforsure.ThenextthingIknewitwaseighta.m.andIwasdouble-parked,slumpedoverthewheel,withthelightsonandthepassengerdoorwideopen.Apparentlyshe’dleftmetherepassedoutatthewheel.Itwashilarious—onlybecauseIdidn’tgetcaught.Irememberwakingup,takingstockofthesituation,andhightailingitoutofthere.Ican’timaginehowthefuckIgotawaywiththat.

OneofthosevansisimmortalizedinagreatpicturethatRobertJohntookofme.ItfeaturestheoneotherguitarthatIusedonAppetite—a1960-somethingGibsonSGthatImanagedtoborrowfromHowieatGuitarsRUs,thatsoundedgreatonceIgotitinthestudio.Itwasreallyheavy-sounding,soIusediton“MyMichelle.”Anyway,thatafternoonIdecidedtostickitthroughtheholeI’dkickedinthewindshield(fromtheinside)ofthevanIwasdrivingatthetimestrictlyforRobert’sentertainment.

Myvanabusedemandedthatwebecamefamiliarwithafewdifferentrentalcompaniesandafewdifferentlocations;Hertz,Budget,Avis,wekneweveryfranchisewithinafive-mileradius.WhatIwoulddoispickupthevan,destroyitoverthecourseoftwoormoredays,thenreturnitinthemiddleofthenight—I’djustleaveitintheparkinglotwiththekeysintheignition.ThenI’dgotoadifferentlocationandpickupanewone.EventuallyAlanhadtotakemeaside.

“IgotacallfromBudget,”hesaid.Hewaspissedoff.“ThemanagerofthelocationinsistedthatIcomedownthere.IkeptaskingwhyandhesaidthatIneededtoseethedamagethathadbeendonetothevantounderstandthescopeoftheproblem.AndIhavetosaythathewasright.”

“Ohyeah?”Isaid,almostproud.“Wasitreallybad?”

“Itwasbutthatwasn’tall,”hesaid.“Themanagerchewedmeoutforanhourasheshowedmeeveryinchofdamagethathadbeendonetothevan.ThenheaskedmeifIhadanyideawhatkindofpsychopathichorriblepeopleIwas

heaskedmeifIhadanyideawhatkindofpsychopathichorriblepeopleIwasinvolvedwith.Afterseeingthat,I’mnotsurethatIdo.”

WhatcanIsay?Thosevansweremobilehotelrooms—theygotalotofwearandtear.AtthetimeIdidn’tevenhaveahotelroom:allofmybelongingswereinanemptystorageroomatTake1.EverydaywhenI’dreturnfromwhateverI’dgottenintoinHollywoodthenightbefore,I’dheadintheretochangemyclothes;I’dbehappierifI’dmanagedtogetashowerwhereverI’dcrashed.ThatplacewasthebiggestclosetI’veeverhad—itisactuallywherewetookthephotoonthebackcoverofAppetite.Iloveditinthere;itwasallniceandquietandtheonlysanctuaryIhadthen.Thestudiowouldn’tletmesleepthere,unfortunately.Theysaidthatitwasaninsuranceissue,butyouknowwhat?Ineverbelievedthem.

TherewereonlytwothingsthatIfounddifficultwhilerecordingmyoverdubsforAppetite.Thefirstwasthesoloattheendof“ParadiseCity,”whichwasalwayseasylivebutwasn’tinthestudio.Inconcert,itcouldlastanywherefromonetotwominutes,butonthealbumversionofthesong,itwasdesignedtobeexactlythirtyseconds.Soitwasn’teasyformetofocusthesamenarrativeandemotionintothirtyseconds,andwhentheredlightcameon,itthrewmeforaloop—Iactuallygotgun-shy.IremembergoingatitafewtimesandgettingsofrustratedthatIjustleftthestudiocompletelydisappointed;thenextday,though,Icameinfreshandnailedit.

Myotherissuewasrecording“SweetChildo’Mine.”Stevenwatchedmyfoottokeeptime;andforthatsongI’dcounthiminbecausemyriffkickedofftheproceedings.Therewasnohighhatthroughthebeginningandwehadn’trecordedaclicktrackforit,sowhenIwentintodotheoverdubsitwasaguessinggame:I’dbesittingthereanticipatingthestartofthesong,hopingthatinmymindI’dtimeditrightsothatwhenIstartedplaying,mytimingwasright.Thiswasyearsbeforedigitalrecording,sotherewasnosignifiertoguidemeinanyway.Ittookawhile,ittookmanytakes,butwegotitintheend.Otherthanthat,thealbumcametogethersoquicklyandnaturallythatitfeltlikeitwasmeanttobe.Obviouslyitwas.

OnceIwasdoneatTake1,Ihadtofindsomewhereelsetostashmyshit,andtheoreticallymyself,soIshackedupwithmyfriendToddCrewofJetboy,whohadmoveddowntoL.A.fromSanFrancisco.Hewaslivingwithhisgirlfriend,Girl—thatwashername—andtheirroommateSamantha,whohadthebiggestsetoftitsthatI’veeverseenonapetitegirllikeherself;thatwas

thebiggestsetoftitsthatI’veeverseenonapetitegirllikeherself;thatwasenoughtoinspiremetobeaone-girlguyforaminute.Thefourofushadablastandwereacompleteandutterspectacle:wewenttotheCathouseeverysinglenight,justcarousingandmakingageneralnuisanceofourselvesduringthefewweeksthatAxltooktofinishuphisvocals.

ONCETHERECORDINGWASDONEITwastimetogetitmixed.TomZutauttookmetoNewYork—itwasmyfirsttimethere—tointroducemetoafewcandidatesaswellassomeEastCoastindustryfolk.Tomlovedtoshowoff:helikedshowinghistalenttheluxuryofbusinessclass,andshowinghistalenthowimportanthewasintheindustry—thatwasthemotivationbehindthistripasmuchasfindingusamixingteam.ImetRickRubin,whowasjusthittingitbigwithRun-DMCandDefJamandhisnewsigning,theBeastieBoys.Ricktookusouttohisfavoritespottoeat,WhiteCastleinQueens.Rickwasgreat;wetalkedaboutallkindsofrecordsthatweliked,andjustshottheshit,becausehe’dalreadypassedonmixingus.Alotofpeoplepassedonmixingus,andonceagain—allofthemregretteditlater.

ThepairthattookusonintheendwasSteveThompsonandMichaelBarbiero,whomImetonthattrip.WehadThompsonandBarbieromix“Mr.Brownstone”whilewewerethereandwesentitbacktotherestoftheband.AtthesametimeAlanNivendidamixbecausehewantedashotatdoingthealbum.Alan’sversionwasn’tbad—IrememberthatIzzylikeditalot,buttheotherguys’takewasmuchmorein-your-face.Theyhadatightmidrangetotheirsoundthatfitourbandperfectly.Theirswasballsierandmeaner;therewasgoodinteractionbetweentheguitars,whileAlan’swasmorelinear,two-dimensional,andhollow.

WesettwoweeksasidetomixtherecordandthenAxl,Izzy,andI,alongwithAlanNivenandTomZutaut,returnedtoNewYorkandstayedattheParkerMeridieninmidtownwhileitgotdone.Tomhadhisownroom,IzzystayedwithAlan,andAxlandIsharedtheotherroom.AtthetimeIhadabrokenwristandacastonmyarm;aninjuryI’dsustainedduringarecenttriptoSeattlewithDuff.WewerepartyingathisfriendDonner’splace,whichwasasrowdyasever,andsomewherealongtheline,Imetsomegirl,andwhileshewasontopridingme,therecordplayerstartedskipping.Itwasruiningthemoment,soIpunchedthefloor,abittoohard,obviously,togetittostop.

Inanycase,mycastdidn’tstopmefromtryingtowrestleAlantothegroundanddestroyingourentirehotelroomduringoneofourfirsteveningsinNew

anddestroyingourentirehotelroomduringoneofourfirsteveningsinNewYork.Idon’tevenrememberhowitstarted—I’msureitwasnothingmorethanmybeingfearless,anddrunk,andAlanbeingabigbearofaguythatIwantedtotackle.Iwokeupwithrugburnsallovermyfaceandchest—apparentlyIlostthematch.

OurstripperfriendAdriannaSmithmadeanappearanceonthattripaswell;shewasontheEastCoastvisitingfriendswholivedinAlphabetCity.Itwasgoodtohaveherthere,becauseAdriannawasafun-loving,high-spiritedindividual,butonceAxlcoaxedherintohisbed,Ihadtoputupwithlisteningtothemfuckallnightintheroomweweresharing.AdriannaisaveryvocalindividualsoIoptedtospendmostofmynightsout,usuallyaslateaspossible.

IspentoneofthemwithSteveThompson,whotookmetotheChinaClub,whichwastheepitomeofeightiesNewYorknightlife—lotsofcoke,littlesubstance,andmuchtooexpensiveallaround.Iwasinthereinmytophat,leatherjacket,andleatherpantstuckedintomycowboybootsamidaroomfullofthetypeofNewYorkerswhosay“Yo,howyoudoin’?”allthetimeandtrytoimpressoneanotherwiththeirexpensiveItalianblazersandthesackofblowthey’vegotintheirpocket.Steve,ofcourse,wasprettydialedintothatscene—hewasinthemusicbusinessafterall.

OnceIdecidedthatI’dhaditwiththatplace,IslippedoutwithouttellinganyoneasI’msometimesknowntodo.Ithasgottenmeintotroublebefore—forexample,whenIoptedtowanderoffinruralCanada—becauseusuallyIjustgetlost.Suchwasthecasethatnight:theclubwasinmidtown,lessthantenblocksfromthehotel,butataroundfoura.m.Isetoutthewrongwayonanall-nightjourneyinanunfamiliarcity.Itwasverysurreal:IwandereddownBroadwayallthewaytoHoustonStreet,overtoAvenueC,andbyninea.m.somehowfoundmywaybackuptowntothehotel.NewYorkisn’treallythecitythatneversleeps:Imanagedtofindpitch-blackstretchesofstreetwithnooneelsearoundasidefromtheoccasionalbum.AsitdidgetquieterandquieterIbegantofeelmoreandmorealone.AmontageofNewYorkCitymoviescametomindasIlookedatblocksthatwerebothfamiliarandtotallystrangetome.OnceIfinallyadmittedtomyselfthatIhadnoideawhereIwasgoing,itcametogetherandIstartedtorecognizeafewlandmarks.BeforeIknewit,Ifoundthehotel.Asusual,therewashardlyawelcomingparty.IwanderedinandfoundAxlandAdriannaasleep.

Mixingtherecordwasanincredibleexperience.ItwasthefirsttimethatI

Mixingtherecordwasanincredibleexperience.ItwasthefirsttimethatIlearnedtheprocessofsoundmanipulation,andlookingbackatitnowthatdigitaltechnologyhaschangedtherecordingindustryforever,Ifeelprivilegedtohavemadeandmixedthatrecordinthedaysbeforethingschanged.Therewasnoautomatedinterfacebackthen:ThompsonandBarbieromanuallyworkedthefaders,makingminoradjustmentstoeachchannel,asperourrequest,eachtimewelistenedbacktoeachtrack.Thosetwoguyswereamazing;theyhadasystem,prettymuchanunspokenlanguagebetweenthem.Stevewastheenergetic,inyourfaceguyandMichaelwasthereserved,analytical,calculatedguy.Andtheygotoneachother’snervesconstantly,whichsomehowfueledtheircreativity.

Thewaythey’dworkwasthatBarbierowouldsetupthebasicmix—thedrums,thebass,andalloftheEQs.ThenStevewouldcomeinandthey’dstarttakingpasses,withStevedoingallofthefrenetictweakstotheguitarsandthevocaljumpsthroughoutthemix—hedidallofthedynamicrockingparts,whileBarbierolaidthesonicfoundation.Sincemixingwasentirelymanual,donewhilethesongwasplaying,itwasaone-takeaffair.Whentheytookapass,thesongwouldstart,they’dhaveallfourhandsontheboardandthey’dimmediatelystartjumpingaroundeachother,adjustingknobsandfadersinrealtimeasthemusicplayed.Iftheygotjustonethingwrong,they’dstartover.Andontopofthat,theyhadallofusintheroombackseat-driving.

OneofthefunnierepisodeswasthedaythatIzzygotupbrightandearlytoheaddownthereandoverseethemixingof“SweetChildo’Mine.”Hetotallyrodetheirasses.Usuallythey’dhaveamixupbynoonandwouldhaveitdonebyfour.ThatdayIzzycalledusaroundoneandtoldusalltocomedownimmediatelybecauseitwasfinishedanditsoundedgreat.WhenIwalkedin,thefirstthingIsawwasthetraumatizedlookonMikeBarbiero’sface—theguylookedlikeaprisonerafteralongnightofinterrogation.Heplayedusthemix,whichwasridiculous;itwasnothingbutIzzy’sguitarandAxl’svocalswitheverythingelsefadedintoinsignificance.Icouldhardlyhearthedrums,thebasswasnonexistent,andmyguitarwasaudibleonlyintheintroandthesolo.Let’sjustsaythatIzzyhasasparsewayoflookingatthingsandthatwasveryindicativeofhispointofview.Obviouslyweredidit.

Aswemixeddownthesong“RocketQueen,”Axlfeltthatthebridgeneededsomething;someotherelementtoelevatethedrama.HesuggestedthatAdriannaSmith,whowaswithusinthestudiothatday,fuckhimintheliveroomsothatwecouldrecordhervocalsandlayerthemoverthebreakdown.We’dbeendrinkingJackprettyheavilyallday,soitseemedlikethemostnaturalthingin

drinkingJackprettyheavilyallday,soitseemedlikethemostnaturalthingintheworld.Iwasallforit;Iknewtoowellwhatshewascapableofvocally—shehadkeptmeupforthepastthreenights.Sowelitupsomecandlesforatmosphere,thensheandAxlwentoutintotheliveroom,gotdownonthefloorbythedrumriser,andwerecordedSmith’sperformanceinallofitshonestmoaningandgroaning.Enjoyit—it’srightthereinthefinalmix.Thatbreakdownsaiditall;Icouldn’tthinkofabettersongtoclosethealbumandIcouldn’tthinkofamoretellingsliceofourlivesatthetimetohandtoourfans.

Itencouragesyoutodrinkresponsiblyandbehavepolitely.

ALANNIVENWASALWAYSTHINKINGofhowtobestexploiteverysituationtoouradvantage;hewasexcellentatspreadingthewordandgeneratingexcitement.Whilethealbumwasmasteredandpreparedforrelease,hekeptusrehearsingandbookedusathree-gigruninLondonattheMarquee,andarrangedforsomeinterviewsoverthere.HedideverythinghecouldtointroduceustoEnglandaheadoftime,whichwasasmartmoveonhispart.Beforewecouldgo,however,Ihadtogetmyselfanewgreencard,becauseI’drecentlylostitwhenIlefttheblackdayplannerinwhichIkeepallofmyimportantpapersontopofthevanasIpulledoutofrehearsalwithDuffonenight.ItendedupalloverSantaMonicaBoulevard,andeventhoughIwasabletofindmostofitonthestreet,theonethingIneverfoundwasmygreencard—it’spossiblethatthereisanillegalimmigrantwalkingaroundL.A.withthenameSaulHudson.Ifso,Ihopemynamehasservedhimwell.

ImadethemistakeofbringingToddCrewandWestArkeenwithmetowaitinlinedownattheimmigrationofficewhenIwenttoreplaceit:it’salwaysafirst-come,first-servedbasis,soafterthethirddayofunsuccessfullygettingin,Ineededcompany.Weshowedupatfoura.m.toensurethatI’dmakethecutandweweresodrunkthatwewerestumblingaroundtheplaceliketheKeystoneKops.We’dbroughtsomeboozefortheroad,ofcourse,sooncetheofficeopenedwewereatotalmess.Toddalmostgotarrestedbecausehestartedplayingwithsomerubberplantinthehallwaywhileholdingmyplaceinline,whichmadetheotherpeoplethereveryuncomfortable.

WegotovertoEnglandandstayedintwoapartments,AxlandIzzyandAlaninoneandDuffandStevenandIintheother.WehadatourmanagernamedColinandwegotthereaweekbeforeourshowstorehearseanddosomepress.WewerestayinginKensingtonHighStreet,whichwastoofarfromthetwenty-four-hourcultureofSoho.Itwasnotatallarock-and-rollneighborhood;

twenty-four-hourcultureofSoho.Itwasnotatallarock-and-rollneighborhood;itwasveryproperwithnothingtodobutdrinkinthepubonthecorner,whichofcoursewedid.ItremindedmeofthetimewespentinCanogaPark:weexploredeverythingandfoundnothingthatwasquiteourscene.ExceptinLondonnoonepaidattentiontous.

ToddCrewandDelJamesmetusoutthere,whichelevatedthetempoconsiderably.ToddhadticketstoParisthathisparentshadgivenhimforhiscollegegraduation.Lookscanbedeceiving:tothenakedeyehewasaburnout,butToddwasacollegegradandwasverywellschooled.He’dnevertakenthattrip,soheandDelusedthosetickets,justtwolong-hairedAmericanrock-and-rollguystotallylostinFrancelivingtheirversionofEuropeanVacation.Afteracoupleofdaystheytooktheferryoverandthenthetrainandcrashedoutatourplace.TheywereunrulyAmericanstryingtonavigateParistoLondonviaferries,cabs,andrail.Delusedtocallpeoplelikemeandhim“lugheads.”Ican’tevenimaginehowthosetwolugheadsevermadeit.

OuraveragedayinLondonconsistedofrehearsal,afterwhichwemightgotooneoftheclothingshopsintheareabecausethatwasallthattherewastodo.OnetimemyguitartechJohnnytookmetoareallyniceguitarstore.Hemadeabigdealoutofme:IwasSlash,theguitarplayerforGunsN’Roses,thenextgreatAmericanrockbandfromLosAngeles.WhilehewasschmoozingtheownerIlaydownonthefloortogetcomfortable,andpassedoutcold.Theyhadtocarrymeout.ApparentlythatincidentmadeabigimpressionontheEnglishpressandkick-startedahandfulofnicknames—“SlashCrash”and“Slashed”(asinpissedordrunk)wereacouple.Itestablishedmy“legendary”reputationthere.Ican’timaginewhy.

Onceourfriendsfromhomearrived,wedidcarousemoreintensely.We’ddrinkineverypubwesaw,rehearseforafewhours,thendrinkineveryotherpubwesawuntilthepubsclosed.Weweren’tnearlyasrambunctiousordestructiveaswewereinsay,theValley,becausetherewasn’tmuchthatwecouldhavepossiblydonetobringlifeintoKensingtonHighStreet.Justwalkingdownthestreet,lookingatthemanicuredparksandgardens,wasquitesoberingatanytimeofday.OurrehearsalspacehadthesamecoldLondonenvironment.Inaclinicalroomorneighborhoodlikethat,youdon’tfeelrightbustingthingsup:itencouragesyoutodrinkresponsiblyandbehavepolitely.

OnceweventuredtoSohoandbeyond,however,wefoundourpeers.OnenightDuffandIweremotivatedtoseeaband(Ican’trememberatallwho)at

TownandCountry,whichwasaconvertedcoachhousewayoutinEastLondon.Weweresmashedwhenwegotthereandweweremoresmashedwhenweleft,andwehadneverstoppedtoconsiderthatwe’dbemoreorlessstrandedaftertheshow.ThetrainshadstoppedrunningandI’msuretherewasabus,butweknewnothingaboutthat.Westartedwalking,justtryingtomakesenseofwhichwaywasup,lookinginvainforacab.Andofcourseitstartedtorain.

Iwasnothappyaboutoursituationatall,andapparentlyIbecamesuchabelligerentassthatrightthen,onsomestreetmilesfromwherewehadtogo,Dufffounditnecessarytostraightenmeout.Wedidn’tgetinafistfightexactlybutthereweredefinitelywordsexchanged.Idon’tknowhowwegothome,Idon’trememberpassingout;afterour“altercation”Iremembernothing.WedidgetbacktotheapartmentsomehowwhereDellayinwait.Delwasfondoftakingpictureswheneveroneofourfriendsendedupinacompromisedposition,soI’velearnedthroughvisualevidencethatIsleptthroughmostofthenextmorningonmyhandsandkneeswithmybootsonandmyheadburiedinthecornerofthecouch.Mytophathadbeenreducedtoacompletepuddlebytherain,butI’dheldontoit—itwassittingthereinaheapbesideme.Iwasn’thappyaboutthatatall—fortherestofthetrip.Iwaslikeabeatenpuppy:“What?Notophat?”

OneofourweirderexcursionsintheweekleadinguptoourgigstookplaceonaSunday,whichnoonebotheredtotelluswasofflicense,meaningnoliquorstores,pubs,orgrocerswereallowedtosellbooze.Ofcourseyoucanalwaysfindtheoddlawbreaker,butthatdaywehadourworkcutoutforus,becausenoonewasfeelingkindtoourcauseintheproperlanesofKensingtonHighStreet.Aswewanderedaroundlookingforanopenpub,weamassedafewoddstragglers.Oneofthemwasaweirdyounggirlwhowasarockfan,andwasreallyshybutwassomehow…off.Shelatchedontousandbegantofollowuswhereverwewent.Noonewasreallytalkingorinteractingwithhermuch—shejusthungaround.Weweren’tsureifshewasarunaway,agroupie,homeless,oremotionallydisturbed,butbytheendofthenightitwasclearthatsheintendedtostaywhereverwewerestaying,becauseitdidn’tseemlikeshehadanywhereelsetogo.Shewasharmlessenough,soweletithappen.BetweenDelandToddandtherestofus,ourflatwasfullofpeoplesleepingonthefloor,crashedoutwherever.IwaspassedoutonthefloormyselfandIrememberthatthisgirlwasacrosstheroombeforeIlostconsciousness.Butsometimeduringthenight,Iwoketofindthatshehadunzippedmypantsandwassuckingmydick.IactedlikeIwasstillasleepbutImustadmitthatIdidn’tstopherbecauseitwasprettygood.Inthemorningshewasgoneandweneversawheragain.

good.Inthemorningshewasgoneandweneversawheragain.

WEREHEARSEDATJOHNHENRY’S,Afamousstudiowhereeverybodywhoisanybodyhasdonethesame.It’stheeqivalentofS.I.R.inL.A.,butwithanEnglishsensibility—it’sjustabitmore“proper.”Itwasverycool,becauseliningthehallwayswereroadcasesthatsaidmotörhead,ironmaiden,andthinlizzy.Theplacehadanamazingvibe.Wechosetospendourperdiems,whichwereafewpoundsapiece,atthepub,sowe’draidthelittlecaféatthestudioforasmanycoffees,Danish,andsandwichesaswecouldstand.We’dgetbagsofcrispsatthecornershopsforafewpenceandfilluponthosebeforedrinkingtherestofourmoneyatthepubaroundthecorner.

OurthreeshowswereattheMarqueeClub,thefamouslittlesweatboxwhereeveryonefromTheWhotoDavidBowietotheSexPistolshadplayed.Onshowdayswesound-checkedthere,thenDuffandIspenttheeveningdrinkingoutsideonthestreetwiththecuriouslocalswhohadcometoseeus.AfteraweekinKensingtonHighStreet,wewerestarvedforanytasteoftherock-and-rollculturethatwewereusedto.I’mnotsureifitwasthatafternoonorafterthatfirstshow,buthangingoutlikethatImanagedtolandmyselfagirlfriendnamedSally,whowasahot“PageThree”girlatthetime.“PageThree”isafixtureoftheEnglishnewspaperTheSunthatfeaturesaspiringswimsuitandlingeriemodelseachday,because,theyare,afterall,newsworthy.IwasinfatuatedwithSallyimmediately.ShemadetherestoftheEnglishtripmuchmorefunbecauseshealsoknewwheretogo.WehungoutatacoupleofstableSohorock-and-rollspots.OneofthemwastheIntrepidFox,whereInailedPhillMagg,thefrontmanofUFO,withashotglass.Idon’trememberwhy.

Ialsohungoutwithmyhero,LemmyKilmister.TheentirebandmetMötorheadthattripandthatmadeourjourneyperfect.

ThoseMarqueeshowswereloudandhell-bent;whatIremember,Irememberfondly.WedidAC/DC’s“WholeLottaRosie”andAerosmith’s“MamaKin,”andallofouroriginalstuff.Oneofthosenightswasalsothefirsttimethatweeverplayed“Knockin’onHeaven’sDoor,”whichweputtogetheratsoundcheckonawhim.I’dalwayslovedthatsongandlovedthatliveversion—itwasmuchmorerawthanwhatendeduponUseYourIllusion.Thoseshowswentoverwellenoughthat,fromthestart,wewereneverevenconsideredpart

ofthesameleagueofL.A.hairmetalbandswhohadcomethroughEngland.Wewereseenassomethingelse,whichwaswhatwe’dbeensayingallalong.Finally,itfeltlikewe’dbeenjustified.

AFTERTHATTRIP,WERETURNEDTOL.A.toputthefinishingtouchesonthealbum.AxlhadbroughtusaprintofaRobertWilliamspaintingthatweallagreedshouldbethecover—it’samanicsceneofarobotabouttoavengeagirlwhohasjustbeenrapedbyeatingherattacker.Wethoughtitwasperfect;weevenadoptedthetitleofthepaintingasthetitleofthealbum:AppetiteforDestruction.

Everythingwasgreat,thealbumwentoutasplannedwiththeWilliamsprintonthecover,andnoonehadaproblemwithit.ThatwasuntilTipperGoreandherlobbyinggroupthePMRCgotaholdofit.Theywereveryeffectiveatcensoringmusicatthetime,butwedidn’tcare—wewelcomedasmuchcontroversyasTippercoulddishout.

Ourwishwasgranted:Geffengotsomanycomplaintsthatouralbumwasbannedbeforeitwaseverevenproperlystockedatthenationalchains.Weweretoldthatmostretailstoreswouldn’tcarryitandmostothersrequiredthatwewrapthealbuminabrownpaperbagunlessthecoverwaschanged.Facedwithsellingnothingnowthatwefinallyhadsomethingtosell,inararemomentofcommonsense,wedecidedtocompromiseandagreedtoredesignthecover:theWilliamsprintwasputonthesleeveinside.AguyweknewatHellHousedidapaintingofthefiveofus,asskulls,onacross,whichwasincrediblesoweuseditforthecover,andAxlhadittattooedonhisarmaswell.Itwasacoolenoughdesignthatasmuchaswewereunhappyabouteatingcrow,weendedupwithsomethingnewthatweloved.Afirsteditionofthatoriginalcoverisacollector’sitembytheway.

SinceIhavesomeillustrationskills,Ihadalwaysbeenveryinvolvedinthedesignoftheband’sartandposters.IrememberthedaywhenItookoutabunchofGuns&Ammo–typemagazinesbackwhenIhadmynewsstandjobandflippedthroughthemuntilIfoundtheperfectguntocopyforourlogo.Itookthepicturehomewithme;atfirstIwasn’tsurehowtotieitalltogether.IwaslivingoveratYvonne’sandonenight,aftersheandhermomhadgonetosleep,Iwassittingupattheirkitchentableanditcametome.Itookoutthatpictureofthegunanddrewitfreehand,thenIdrewanotheroneofthemcrossedwithroses

underneath.Thatsimpledesignstuck;itbecamethelogofortheband.

Anyway,onceweagreedonthenewcoverdesign,IwantedtogotoNewYorktooverseethenewalbumartlayoutaswellastomeetwithourmerchandiseraboutourT-shirtsandournewbookingagent,BillElsonatICM.Itwasgoingtobeaverybusytrip.

AtthetimeIwas“dating”apornactress,LoisAyres,whoseworkIappreciated,andwhiletheshockingnatureofherperformancemighthavedeterredothersuitors,Iwasintriguedbyit.WegottogethersomehoworanotherinL.A.andIhadbeencrashingatherplaceforawhile.WhenIwasscheduledtogotoNewYork,itjustsohappenedthatshewasscheduledtogoaswellbecauseshehadafewfeatureperformancestodoatacoupleofstripclubsinTimesSquare.ShehadaroombookedforherattheMil-fordPlazaonEighthAvenueandForty-fifthStreetsoIcrashedwithherwhenIarrived.

Mysecondmorningthere,Iwasawokenatsevena.m.

Ring!Ring!

Ring!Ring!

Ipickedupthephoneandhungitup.

Ring!Ring!

Ring!Ring!

Obviouslyitwasn’tgoingaway.

“Yeah?What?”Ishouted.

“Hello,sir,thereisaToddCrewheretoseeyou,”thevoicesaid.“Isitokaytosendhimup?”

“Uh…yeah…sure,”Isaidhesitantly.IhadnoideawhatToddcouldpossiblywantatsevena.m.,inNewYork,noless.

Apparentlyhe’dcomeoutonalast-minuteinvitationfromanactorfriendbecausehe’dneededtogetoutofL.A.fast,forhisowngood:heandGirlhad

splitup,whichwasamajordeal—thosetwohadbeentogetherforyearsandweremoreorlessoneperson.He’dalsobeenfiredbyhisband,whohatedthefactthathehungoutwithussomuch.HewassoonreplacedbyHanoiRocks’SamYaffawithlittletonodiscussion.Atthatpointthey’dnotonlykickedhimout,butthey’dkeptallofhisgearandwererefusingtogiveitback.SoToddwasnotinagoodwaytosaytheleast.Hearrivedatmydooralreadyfuckingdrunk,withafullliterofwhatwelikedtocallToadVenominonehand:vodkaandorangejuicedisguisedina7UPbottle.Ihadanentiredayofmeetingsallacrosstown,beginningattena.m.,butIcouldseethatToddneededtendingto.Girlwasn’ttakinghiscalls,hedidn’thaveaband,andtherewasnowaythatIwasleavinghimalone.

Ihadnochoice;Itookhimtoallofmymeetings,whichwasquitetheendeavor.Theywereallwithinafewlongmidtownblocksofoneanother,whichwasfinewithme;I’dplannedtogotoeachofthemonfoot—itwasalongwaytogo,butIwasactuallylookingforwardtoit.ItwasoneofthoseoppressivelyhotNewYorkJulydaysandToddinsistedthatIfirsttakehimtoaWesternUnionabouttenblocksoutofmywaytopickupsomemoney.HewassodistraughtthatIagreed,andtothisdayIwishIhadn’t:ifIhadrefusedtogotoWesternUnionwithhim,itmighthaveendeddifferentlybecausehewouldn’thavehadanymoneyonhim.

Weproceedtothestreettogetonourwayand,asIsaid,Toddwasalreadyfuckingwasted:he’dstarttofallovereverytimewestoppedatatrafficlight.Iwasholdinghimbuthewashalfafoottallerthanmeandjustbigallaround.I’dtrytoleadhimdownthestreetandhe’dcollapseinthemiddleoftheintersectionwhileacrowdofpeopledartingtoworkateighta.m.forkedaroundhimwherehefell.WegottotheWesternUniononestepatatimelikethat,thenwegothismoney,andgotuptomyfirstmeetingatGeffenabouttenminuteslate.

IleftToddinthelobbyandI’msurewhoeverthesecretarywasthatdaystillremembershim.Hepassedoutcoldonthecouchtheminutehehittheair-conditioning,soIlefthimthere,thisbig,snoringlong-hairedtattooedguy,whoscaredeveryoneunluckyenoughtobewaitinginthelobbythatday.Whenitwastimeformetogo,ittooktwoassistantstogetToddintotheelevator.Sleephadhelpedhimalittle,butnotmuch.Still,somehow,Imaneuveredhimthroughthestreetsandgottotherestofmyappointmentsontime:onewasatBrokumtodiscusstheT-shirtsandtheotherwasatICM.AllthewhileIdraggedadrunkbassplayeralongwithme,treatingitlikehewastheinvisibleelephantinthe

roomnoonetalkedabout.HewaslikethecopinUpinSmoke,tryingtogivedirectionsonthehighwaywiththehotdogstuffedinhisface.

Bytheearlyafternoonmybusinesswasdone.Toddwasalittlebitmorecoherent,butdefinitelyinneedofanap,soIthoughttakinghimtoCentralParkwoulddothetrick—attheveryleasthecouldsleepitoffonthegrassinthesun.Imanagedtosteerusupthere,andjustaswewereheadingintotheparkweranintothreemusiciansfromalocalL.A.bandthatwebothknew.Idon’trememberwhytheywereintown,buttheywantedustoheaddowntoAlphabetCitywiththemtocopsomeheroin.Toddwasallforit,butIwouldn’tlethim;Ihadjustdonemytimeinthatpitofhellandthethoughtdidn’tinterestmeatall.Ontopofthat,Ihadarecordonthewayandtheriskofarrestorworsewasn’tworthit.

IkeptthepartyhoundsatbaybysuggestingthatwebuyabottleofJimBeamandtakeacarriageridearoundCentralPark,whichwedid.Thatwasquiteascene:me,Todd,andtheseGoth-lookingdudeswithsometattoosandpiercingstakinginthesummersights.Wechaseditwithsomepizzaandaroundofdrinksatthislittledivebarafterward.Andoncewewereontothesecondround,smackcameupagain.IdideverythingIcouldtoputthebrakesonit,butIwasoverruled.MypersonalconcernsatthatpointmatteredlesstomethanTodd’swell-being:Ididn’tlikewhatIsawandIdideverythingIcouldtokeephimfromgoingdarker.Toddhaddoneheroin,buthewasn’tallthatexperienced;evenifhehadbeen,hewasinnostatetobemessingwithdrugs.AsIsaid,Iwasunanimouslyoutvoted:ToddgotthemtoagreetogogetthedopeforussoIwouldn’tbeatriskofgettingbusted.Tosaytheleast,hereallywantedsome.WeheadeddowntownandwaitedfortheminabaronSt.Mark’sPlaceintheEastVillagewhiletheyscoredthedope.

WeendedupattheirfriendChoseiFunahara’splace;hewasthebassplayerforthePlasmatics.IshookhishandbutIneverreallygotachancetotalktohimbecauseToddwassodesperatetogethighthatwewentdirectlyintothebathroomwithinthefirsttwominutesofbeinginhisapartment.Iwaswaryaboutthisstuff,becauseyouneverknowwhatyou’regettingwhenyoubuyshitoffthestreet—youalwayshavetobecareful.Ididn’treallywanttodoit,butIsampledalittlebitandsinceIcouldtellthatitwasn’tstrongatall,IcookedupalittleshotformeandTodd.

Wehungoutthereforawhileandwemadeplansforourfriendstomeetus

lateratmyhotelroom,beforeToddandImadeourexit.ThesunwasstartingtosetbythetimewegottoTimesSquare,andaswewalkedalongtherowsofmovietheaters,Idecided,asIstaredatthemarquee,thatIreallywantedtoseeJaws3-D.Toddagreed;allhereallywantedtodowasdrinkanyway.Weboughtacaseofbeerandsnuckitintothetheater,whichmightsoundoddbytoday’sstandards,butin1987,NewYork’sTimesSquarewasstillgrittyenoughthattheoddmoviehousethatwasn’tshowingporn24/7wasn’tgoingtoejecttwoguyswho’dbroughttheirownbeer.

Jaws3-Dwasn’tthatgreat;andneitherwasthatshotofheroin.Inoticed,halfwaythroughthefilm,thatIwasn’thighandthatI’ddrunkabouttwoorthreeofthosebeers,whileToddhaddownedtherest,oneaftertheother,justpoundingthem.ThenhesuddenlyleftthetheatertocallGirl.Hewasgoneforareallylongtime,andIhopedthatwasagoodsign—maybetheywerepatchingthingsup.Unfortunately,thatwasn’tthecase:whentheshowwasoverIfoundToddslumpedonthefloorbythepayphonecompletelybesidehimselfbecauseGirlhadrejectedhim,apparentlyinanextremelyharshmanner.

IsteeredToddbacktomyhoteldoingwhatIcouldtosorthimout,hopingtogethimsettleddown.Hewascompletelydistraught,butafterawhile,Imanagedtogethimrelaxed,lyingdowninbed,slowlyedgingtowardsleep.Andthatwaspreciselywhenour“friends”fromearlierinthedayknockedonthedoor.TheywereallsettoshootdopeandhangoutandToddsuddenlyperkedupandwaseagertojoinin.Itwasanotherlosingbattle,soIgotonboard,Ishotalmostallofmydopebecausethisstuffstillhadyettokickin.AtthesametimeIwasmonitoringToddtobesurethathedidn’thavetoomuch,becausehehadbeendrinkingheavilyforabouteighteenhours.Ican’tsaywhathappenedforsure,butI’malmostpositivethathegotashotfromsomeoneelsewhowastherethatnightwhenIwasn’tlooking.WhatIgavehimwasn’tstrongenoughtocausewhathappened.

Maybeanhouraftereveryoneshowedup,Toddstoodupinthemiddleoftheroom,kindofleaningtooneside,thensuddenlycollapsed.Hisbreathingwasslow,hewasn’tresponding,soIgothimintothebathtubanddousedhimwithfreezing-coldwater.Ishookhim,Islappedhim,IdideverythingIcouldtowakehimup.Allwhileour“friends”gatheredthemselvesandfuckingsplitwithoutsomuchasaword.

ThereIwaswithmybestfriend,Todd,inmyarmsinthebathtub.Iwasfreakingout;I’dOD’dbeforebutI’dneverdealtwithanyoneelseOD’ingon

freakingout;I’dOD’dbeforebutI’dneverdealtwithanyoneelseOD’ingonme.IdideverythingIcouldtokeephimconscious.IwasconfusedbecauseIdid,asfarasIknew,twicetheamountthatToddhaddoneandIwasn’tevenhigh.IstartedtowonderwhatelsehehadinhissystemthatIdidn’tknowabout.Ididn’tknowwhatthefucktodo.SuddenlyToddcamearound:hewassemiconscious,hewasbreathing,andforafewfleetingmomentshiseyesseemedtofocusonmeandtheroomaroundhim.HisbreathingbecameregularandfinallyIfeltcomfortable.Idriedhimoffandgothimintobed.

Isattherenexttohim,watchinghisbreathing,andcalledourmutualfriendstotellthemwhatwasgoingoninanefforttocalmmyselfdownabit.IalsocalledtheonlypersonthatIknewinNewYorkwellenoughtoconfidein—agirlnamedShelleywhoworkedatICM,withBillElson.IwasspeakingwithShelley,watchingToddcarefully,whenallofasudden,hisbreathingstopped.Idroppedthephoneandshookhim,andslappedhim,whileholdinghimup.Ibeatonhischestindesperationbuthewouldn’tcomearound.Icalled911,thenthrewwateronhim,butnothingworked.Icouldn’tsavehim—Todd,alloftwenty-oneyearsold,diedinmyarms.Iwasfloodedwitheveryemotion,fear,panic,anxiety…andwherethefuckweretheparamedics?

Whentheyfinallyarrived,theywerecompleteassholes.Ithadtakenthemnearlyfortyminutes.TheycameintheroomandstaredatToddasifhewereabagofgarbage.

“Ohshit,”oneofthemsaid,abittooloudformytaste.“Whatisthis,now?”

“Iknow,”theotheronesaid.“Thisisstupid,he’slonggone.”

“Idon’tknowwhyweevenbothered….Gladwedidn’trush!”

TheytookthebodyawayandleftmethereintheroomwithTodd’swallet,cowboyboots,andhisotherbelongings.Ihadbarelybeguntograspwhathadhappenedwhenthepolicearrived.Theygavemethewholegoodcop/badcopinterrogation,askingifIknewwherehegotthedope,askingmewherethesyringewas.Theysetthemselvesupintwoseparateroomsinthehotelandtheysentmefromonetotheotherforaboutthreehours.Oncetheyweredoneandsatisfied,theysplitandtoldmethatI’dneedtobeatthestationateighta.m.thenextdaytosignpapersconfirming“receiptofthebody.”

Thatstatementalonewaswaytoomuchforme;oncetheyleftIwentdown

tothestreet,satonthesidewalkwithmybackagainstthewallofthehotel,andtriedtofigureoutwhathadhappened.IsawthesuncomeupandbeforeIhadanykindofanswer,itwastimetoscrapemyselfoffthepavementandgetdowntotheprecinct.I’veneverbeensodisorientedinmyentirelife.

ThatplacewasasramshackleasBarneyMillerandIsignedwhateveritwasthatIneededtosign—whichwasasimpersonalasfillingoutaformforlostluggage.Ireturnedtothehotelinadaze.Loishadyettoreturnfromthenightbefore.IwaslyinginthebedwhenIheardaninhospitableknockonthedoor.Itwasn’thousekeeping—itwasserious.Themanagerandasecurityguardstoodthere,tellingmethatLoishadnotonlynotcomehomebutshe’dbailedonherbill,andthehotelhadnointentionofgrantingmealatecheck-out.

Ireturnedtomyperchonthesidewalk,andafterawhile,notknowingwhoelsetocall,IcalledAlan.HearrangedformetogotoShelley’splaceandgetsomerest.OnceIdidIjustpassedoutfromtheexhaustion.ThenextthingIknewAlanwasthere;he’dflownintomakesureIgotbacktoL.A.inonepiece.I’mgladhedid,becauseIwasnumbandparalyzed.

Thatwastheworstthingthathadhappenedtomeupuntilthen—orsince.Toddwasmybestfriendandhewasgone.Itdidn’tendthere.WhenwewentuptoSanFranciscoforthefuneral,Ihadtodealwithfinger-pointingfromTodd’sobviouslydistraughtfamilyandtheguysinhisband—everyonethoughtthathisdeathwasmyfault.Todd’sstepbrotherwasfriendswithDelJames—heknewmeandevenhethoughtIwastoblame.Itgotveryugly.Todd’sfamilyevenhiredaprivateinvestigatortocheckmeoutforawhile;soontopofthemourning,anunjustblackcloudofaccusationfollowedmearound,whileI’dbeentheoneintheendwhohaddoneeverythingpossibletokeepToddalive.

Itwasahellofawake-upcall:notonlyhadIcomeface-to-facewiththerealitiesofthevoraciouslifestyleIlived,butIalsolearnedthatbylivingsoovertlyIwouldalwaysbeaneasytarget—eventothoseItrusted—thosewhoknewmethebestofall.

8

OfftotheRaces

Icansayonethingaboutthe“musicalhighlights”of1987,it’sthattheyweremorestereotypicallyeightiestomethantheentiredecadeputtogether.In1987,BonJovi’s“Livin’onaPrayer”spentFebruary14throughMarch7atnumberone—moreweeksthananyothersinglethatyear.In1987,WhitneyHoustonbecamethefirstfemalesoloartisttohaveanalbumdebutatnumberone.RobertPalmertookhometheGrammyforBestRockVocalPerformancefor“AddictedtoLove”andtheEurythmicstookhometheGrammyforBestRockPerformancebyaGroupfor“MissionaryMan.”

DirtyDancingandThreeMenandaBabywerethebigmoviesofthatyearandeverysongthatcameontheradiowassaccharineandover-produced:Madonna’s“Who’sThatGirl?,”PeterGabriel’s“BigTime,”SteveWinwood’s“BackintheHighLifeAgain.”Themusicindustrywasfullofotherbadideasin1987:compactdiscswerealreadyout,butthepowersthatbedecidedthat“cassettesingles”werethefuture—andlaunchedthatformatwithaBryanAdamstrackcalled“HeatoftheNight”thatwithstoodthetestoftimejustaboutaswellascassettesinglesdid.

Asforstraight-aheadhardrockin1987,AerosmithmadetheircomebackwithPermanentVacation,butotherthan“RagDoll”and“Dude(LooksLikeaLady),”thesongsmostplayedontheairwaveswerenothingbuttheweakandweaker.TherewasWhitesnake’s“HereIGoAgain,”Heart’s“Alone,”GreatWhite’s“OnceBitten,”andBillyIdol’scoverof“MonyMony.”Andsomewherebetweenthetwotherewewere:neitherGunsN’RosesnorAppetite

forDestructionfitintoanypreexistingnicheinthemusicallandscapeof1987.Asmuchaswe’d“madeit,”itwasthesameasiteverwas:wehadtobuildaspaceofourown.

AppetiteforDestructionwasreleasedonJuly21,1987,tolittleornofanfareatall.Tobekind,I’llsaythatitwasahitontheundergroundcircuit;ithadasmallcultfollowing,transmittedbywordofmouth,likeMetallica’sKill’emAll.WefoundearlyfansinTheCultaftertheirleadsinger,IanAstbury,sawusplayattheMarqueeinLondon;lateronhetoldmethatheknewimmediatelythatwe’dbehuge.Hegotussignedupastheopeningbandonatwo-monthlegoftheirNorthAmericantourinsupportofElectric.

ThatalbumwasproducedbyRickRubinandwasamajordeparturefromTheCult’sGoth-influencedroots.Itmadesensethatthey’dwantahard-rockbandlikeourssupportingthembecauseElectricsoundedlikeitwasrecordedin1973.TheCulthadahugeworldwideaudiencebythen,andthoughElectricwouldbethealbumtodoitforthem,theyhadn’tquitehititbiginAmerica.IwasexposedtothatrecordthroughthegirlIwassleepingwithatthetime.Chicksweregoodforfindingoutwhatwascoolatthemoment—theyalwaysseemedtobeupontherecordsoftheday.

BeforewetookoffonTheCulttour,weshotthe“WelcometotheJungle”video,whichwasourfirst.Itwasatwo-dayshoot.Thefirstdayweshotallofthoselittlevignettesthatdefineeachofusasindividualcharactersinthevideo:Axlgetsoffabus,IzzyandDuffareseenoutthestreet,etc.Ifyoublink,youmissmyappearance:I’mthedrunksittinginadoorwaywiththebrown-baggedbottleofJack.WeshotthosescenesonLaBrea,outsideofsomelittlestorefrontthatourdirector,NigelDick,hadfound.Iwasnotunfamiliarwiththelongandarduousprocessofmakingvideos:IwasanextrainaMichaelSchenkervideoforasongoffhisAssaultAttackalbumin1982.

OverthecourseoftheeveningasIwaitedformycalltimefor“Jungle,”Igotplastereddrunk.Ifoundtheconstantcycleof“hurryupandwait”thatisstandardonanykindoffilmorvideoshootsoboringthatbythetimetheywerereadyformyscene,itwasmoreofacandidportrait.ThatvideocapturedwhereIwasatinthatmoment:aminuteafterthedirectorcalled“Cut,”Igotintoafightwithourmanager,AlanNiven,overwhatIhavenoidea—andneitherdidhe.I

toldhimoffandthenIwanderedintothenightandhitchhikedtowhoknowswhen.

ThenextnightweshotattheParkPlazaHotel,whichwasthelocationofDaleGloria’sScreamClub.DaleisalocalnightlifecelebrityinLosAngeleswhohasownedandrunavarietyofclubs—Screamwasthemostlegendary.Thatsecondday,yetagain,wasanotherlongshootonlocation,butatleastweshotthebandperformingthesonglive.Wemadeitanevent:wedidthesongonaclosedset,thenweopeneditupandfilledtheclubwithanaudienceandplayeditthreetimesinarow.Thatwascool.Andthatwasawraponourfirstvideo.

Adayortwo,maybeaweek,later,wesetoffontourwithTheCulttosupportthemduringatwo-month,August-and-SeptemberswingthroughCanada,theWestCoast,andtheSouth.Thattourwasgreat;noneoftheusualbullshithappenedwheretheheadlinerpredictablysabotagestheopeningbandbyturningdowntheirsoundsothattheymakethatmuchmoreofanimpactwhentheytakethestage.IthinkTheCulthadcircumventedthatissuebychoosingus;abandfromL.A.thatnoonehadheardof.Whateveritwas,therewasgreatcamaraderieamongourbands.IanandAxlgotalongverywellandDuffandIhungoutalotwithbassistStephen“Hagus”Harris.Still,I’mnotquitesurethattheyknewwhattheyweregettingwhentheyhiredus.Onethingwasforsure:thisoutingconfirmedmypassionfortouring.Theseweremeagerbeginnings,buttheylaunchedmyenduringloveaffairwiththeroad—Iremainanirretrievableroaddogasofthiswriting.

Anotherpatternthathasenduredinmylifeestablisheditselfagainatthistime:Ihadditchedheroinasadailyhabitandmadethesmoothtransitionintobooze.Wewereworkingnow,soI’dpredictablyreplacedoneaddictionwithanother,exchangingsmackforfull-tiltdrinking.IwasnaivetothinkthatIwassotoughthatI’dgottenmyselfallcleanandhadnoproblemswithaddictionwhatsoever—thetruthwasIhadn’tchangedanything.I’donlysubstitutedthesubstance.Itransitionedmyaddictionfromillegaltolegal;becausealcoholwasacceptabletoeveryone.Itwasanexpectedfacetofeverydaylifeinrockandroll,soifIwasdrinkingheavilybutnotshootingup,thoseinmycirclewerefinewiththat.Whatdidtheyknow?

Fromthatpointon,asidefromafewisolatedincidents,itwasafewyearsbeforeIhadseriousheroinissuesagain.Theinterestingthingisthatinthe

interim,myentirepointofviewonheroinchanged:soonitwasasifI’dnevertrieditatall.SomehowItotallyforgotaboutit,andlostallinterestinit,evenwhenpeoplearoundmediditinmypresence.Istilldon’tgetit.Ididtakemydrinkingtoanall-timehighasareplacement,thoughItriedreallyhardtobemindfulofneverexceedingmylimitationsbeforeagig.

Alongtimeagosomeonehadtaughtmethatthebestcureforahangoverwasanotherdrink—thehairofthedogthatbityou.Thatbecamemyphilosophy,becauseitworked;theonlyproblemwasthatduringthisperiod,thepartiesneverseemedtostop,andsobeganacycle.Iwokeupwithahangovereveryday,soIstartedeverydaywithafreshdrink,andthendrankthroughtothenextpartythatnight.Innotime,thepartiesblurred:Iwasdrinkingallnightintothenextdayandintothenextnightintothenightafterthat.Therereallywasn’tadaywhenItooktimeofffromdrinkingbecausetherewasgenerallyapartytogettoeveryday;itwasallpartofmydailyroutine.

Wewereagangofheathenswhothoughtwekneweverythingbutinrealityweknewnothing.

ONTHECULTTOUR,WESTAYEDINcheaperhotelsthantheydid,butthatdidn’tstopusfromwreakinghavocattheirs.Often,thenightendedwithDuffandmebeingkickedouteitherbythehotelstafforthebandthemselves,andbeingfacedwiththechallengeoffindingourwaybacktowhereverthefuckourhotelwas.OnenightIwassodrunkthatIpassedoutonacouchinthelobbyofTheCult’shotelandDuffleftmethere.Iwokeupataroundfivea.m.afterjusthavingwetmyselfinmysleep.Tomakemattersworse,Ididn’thavemyhotel-roomkeyandhadnoideawherewewerestaying.Thestaffatthehotelwouldnothelpmeatall,probablybecauseIwassoakedinpeeandsmelledlikeabar.IheadedoutintotheCanadiancold;itwasfreezing,andIwanderedaround,justhopingI’dfindmyway.TheonlyhotelthatIcouldseeonceIgotoutsidewasalongwalkaway,butluckyformeitturnedouttobeours.Iwasevenluckiertobewearingmyleatherpants,becauseIwasn’tasfrozenasImighthavebeen.That’sawonderfulsideeffectofleatherpants:whenyoupeeyourselfinthem,they’remoreforgivingthanjeans.

Iwasjustsoexcitedtobeontouranywherewithanactualtourbus,nomatterhowshittyorunreliableitwas.Asaband,wewerelikethescrappyunderdogteaminasportsmovie;wehadinferiorgear,andnothingbuttheclothesonourbacks,butwehadenoughhearttowinthechampionship—we

werearock-and-rollversionofSlapShot.WewereevenplayinginhockeyrinksinCanada:thetourstartedoutintheeasternprovincesandcontinuedontotheWestCoast,downintotheAmericanPacificNorthwest,souththroughCalifornia,thenacrossArizonaandTexasintoLouisianaandtheMississippiDeltaregion.Itwasatrek.

InCanada,nothingshockedusbutweshockedeveryone.ToooftenIfeltlikeweweretheBluesBrothersinthatscenewhentheyshowuptoplaytheredneckbarandthey’repummeledwithbeerbottles.Wehadtheattitudetobackitupwheneverwefoundourselvesunexpectedlyinahostileenvironment,whichwasgood…becauseafewtimeswedid.

Evenwhenwedidn’t,allacrossCanada,wegotweirdlookswhereverweshowedup.Wethoughtwewerenormal,butIcouldseeprettyclearlythatthewaywecarriedourselveswasnotnormaltothesepeopleatall—orotherpeopleforthatmatter.Wewereagangofheathenswhothoughtwekneweverythingbutinrealityweknewnothing.IimaginethatTheCultlookedatuslikeavolatilepieceofequipment:wewereinterestingtosomeofthembecausewehadauniquetimbre;butwewereamachinethatmightcrapoutatanymoment.

CultsingerIanAstburywasreallyentertainedbyhowexplosivewewere:heenjoyedit;inhismind,wewereferociousandreallyhungryandallofthequalitiesthatseasonedrockpeopleenvy.Hewasright:wewereallthatandmore—wewerelikeanM80inaCokecan.CultguitaristBillyDuffy,ontheotherhand,justseemedlike,“Yeah,whatever.”Heeitherwasn’tinterestedorwasn’tbuyingit.Inanycase,moreoftenthannot,they’dstopbytotakealookatourantics.

WEGOTUPTHEREANDDIDOURGIGSeverynightonthattour,butthetruthisthatIneverfeltsatisfieddoingthoseshows.Wehadyettobecomeasolidtouringentity;weweren’tseasonedprosjustyetandthatateatme.Itprobablymadeusentertainingbecauseweweresoloosearoundtheedges:weshowedupwithnoexperience;justtheclothesonourbacks,thegearonthestage,andahandfulofsongstoplayforpeoplewhohadneverheardofus.Ithinkweweretheonlyoneswhoknewwehadarecordout.

Weplayedhockeyrinks,theaters,andafewsmallfestivaldateswithahandfulofbandsonthebill.AndasmuchasIwashappytobeouttheretouring,whichIthoughtwasthegreatestthingever,Icouldn’tgetoverthefactthatit

whichIthoughtwasthegreatestthingever,Icouldn’tgetoverthefactthatitwasn’tquiteasgoodasitshouldbe.Wenevergotthereinmymindbecauseourpresenceonalargestagejustwasn’tuptopar.Butthat’sjustmebeingoverlycritical,whichisdefinitelyapartofmycharacter.IwasunabletowritethosegigsofflikeIimaginetheSexPistolswouldhave.

Thatsaid,itfeltlikeahomecomingwhenTheCulttourarrivedattheLongBeachArena.Irememberrollingintherelatethenightbeforeandstaringatthebuilding,completelystarstruck.I’dseenOzzy,AC/DC,BlackSabbath,JudasPriest,BillyIdol,andcountlessothersthereandforsolong,I’dthoughtplayingtheremeantyou’darrived.

I’devenseenRattthereagainstmywill:asImentioned,Yvonnehaddatedtheirsinger,StephenPearcy,backwhentheywerestillcalledMickeyRatt.WhensheandIweretogether,thegroupheadlinedthereandshewasstillsoproudofhimthatwehadtogo,eventhoughhewasacompletemoron.ShewasthrilledthatRatthadmadeitfromlivingtogetherinonecheapapartmenttoheadliningtheLongBeachArena.AndnowIhadandIcan’tlie;whenwegotthatgig,Ihadatremendousfeelingofaccomplishment.Toabigtouringband,inthegrandschemeofthings,playingtofivethousandorsoattheLongBeachArenadidn’tmeanshit—buttousatthetime,itwaseverything.

Itwasanappropriatehomecoming,too.Wepulledintothearenaandparkedthebusonthestreetoutsideofthehotel.Somehowwemanagedtopickuptwogirlswhowererightthereonthesidewalk,andacoupleoftheguystookthemintothebackofthebus.ThenwecheckedintothehotelandIremembersippingmydrinkwhilelookingoutacrosstheparkinglotatthearena,wherethatbuildingloomedonthehorizon,largerthanlife.ThenextdayourfriendsfromL.A.cameout,andwhenwewenton,theygaveusmoreattentionthanalloftheCanadiancrowdscombinedhaddone.Itwasgreat,wewerehome.

Thesewerethetypeofany-band-anytimeequal-opportunitygroupiesthatweredowntofuckeveryoneallthetime.

WETOOKTOTHETOURINGROUTINEPRETTYnaturally;wewereofftotheraces,rightaway.Wewerebuiltforit;wewentthroughthepaceswithouttryingtoohard.WhenwegottoArizona,Ibelieveitwas,weexperiencedgroupiesforthefirsttime;notthekindthatwantedtofuckusbecausetheywerefansofours—we’dalreadyhadourshareofthosebackhome.Thesewerethetypeofany-band-anytimeequal-opportunitygroupiesthatweredowntofuckeveryoneall

thetime.

Overall,groupieswereusuallybetweenseventeenandtwenty-two;iftheywereintheirmid-twenties,they’dmostlikelybeenaroundtheblockafewtimes—maybetoomany—andtherewerethoseolderthanthat,whichofteninvolvedsomebizarremother-daughtercombos.Butinaway,thegroupiesinthesticksweremoreunderstandablethanthegroupiesinL.A.:culturewasataminimumwherethesegirlslived,andtheyhaddevotedthemselvestogettingasbigapieceofitastheycouldwhenitpassedthroughtown.Itwasalmostrespectable.

Wheneverweweren’tperforming,Axlholedupinthebacklounge,restinghisvoiceandsleeping.Sometimeswhenwe’dhaveadayoff,he’dsleepbackthereinsteadofcheckingintothehotel.Still,he’dcomeouteverysooftentohangoutwiththerestofusandthatwasalwayscool.Everythingwasreallygoodatthispoint—putitthisway,wegotonstageontime.Thecamaraderiewashigh;weweretheperfectbunchofguysfortouringtogether…notthatIhadanythingelsetocompareitto.Butwewereallquitecontent.

Untilthecompressoronourshittybusbrokedown,takingtheair-conditioningwithit,somewhereinthemiddleofTexas.Aswesattheresweatingbulletsintheheat,itoccurredtousthattherehadtobeaclassabovetouringonthelevelwewereat.

WestArkeencameouttoTexasforafewdays,whichtookthepartyupafewnotchesinspiteoftheSahara-likeconditionsonthebus:Westleftusfourorfivedayslaterlookinglikeashadowofhisformerself.Iestimatethathelostabouteightpoundsinsweat.WehadthreedaysoffinTexasafterthat,inthisresorthotelinthemiddleofnowhere,andduringthosethreedayswefiredourbusdriverandatourmanagerwe’llcall“Cooper.”

Cooperwasacharacter;heworeanewsboycapallthetimeanddroveayellowLotus.Hewasthisskinny,wiryEnglishguywithaveryjumpydemeanor—Iguessthatwasduetoallofthecokehedid.TheproblemwithCooperwasthathehadturnedintoaself-centeredrockstarandforgotthathewasatourmanager.We’dgottensickofCooperluringthechickswe’dpickeduptohisroomwiththepromiseofcoke,andkeepingthemthereinthehopesofgettinglaid.He’devenlietouswhenwe’dcallhisroom,askingwherethegirlswere.He’dsaythey’dsplitandwebelievedhimuntiltheonetimewestormeddownthereandcaughthimred-handed.

HealsohadabadhabitofpromisingIzzyandmeagramofcokeifwegotupinthemorningtodointerviews.He’dgiveusthesmallesttaste,butoncewhenweweredoneattheradiostationoronthephoneorwhatever,anddemandedtherest,heusuallytriedtobackoutofhispromise.Thatwasjuststupid—ifyoupromisedusdrugsanddidn’tdeliver,wewerethekindofpeoplewho’dkickyourass.

ThelaststrawwasasituationwhereAlanhadentrustedCoopertotakecareofthebandandhejustlostitandgotustoagigverylate.Itwasabig-timefuckupandthatwasitforhim;Alansackedhimandthebusdriveratonce.Theywerejustgone.ThenextweheardwasthatCooperwassellingphonebooksdoor-to-door.

IwasimpressedwhenAlanbootedCooperwithoutsomuchasanexplanation—that’swhenIknewthathewasserious.Itwasanexampleoftheoverlyprotective,paternal,andpossessivestancehetooktowardus.Itwascomfortingbecauseweweresuchhell-raisersthatsomeoneneededtogiveashit.

ItwasgreatthatAlantrimmedthefat;buttherealitywasthatafterthosedaysoff,weneededtogettothenextgiginHoustonandwehadnotourmanagerandnobusdriver.Wehadtoseekoutothertransportationonthespot.Idon’trememberwhattheotherguysdid,butDuffandIdroveinthisTransAmwiththisgirlI’dpickedup.Allwasfineuntilwegotcaughtinatorrentialrainstormbecausehercarhadnowindshieldwipers.TherainwascomingdownsohardthatIhadtoleanoutofthepassenger-sidewindowandusemyupperbodyasashieldtokeeptherainoffonehalfofthewindowwhileIwipedtheotherhalfwithmyarmsothatshecouldseewellenoughtodrive.

OurHoustongigwaskiller,andafterthatwesawmoreoftheSouth.Louisianawasrightupmyalley,especiallyNewOrleans,withallofthevoodooandthepresenceofAfricanreligionandblackmagic.WewenttoareallyauthenticbayourestaurantintheswamplandswhereIaterattlesnakeandblackenedalligator.Itwassuchagreattimeforme;IcametorealizethattherewasnootherplacethatI’dratherbethanontheroadandthatI’dhititrightintermsofacareer.

WELOCKEDOURSELVESINTOASETroadcrewforthistouraswell,acastof

charactersthatbecameourteamforyears.We’drehearsedbeforethetourwithMike“McBob”Mayhewastherhythm-guitar-and-basstech;and“McBob”usedhiskeensenseofhumortoremindusofjusthowlowwewereonthefoodchainbyconstantlypointingoutthepedestriannatureofourtravelingaccomodations.Hehadyearsofexperienceontheroad,andhislittlecommentshereandtherewerealltheremindersweneededthattheShangri-laofourtourbuswasamirage.

McBobhasbeenwithDuffandmetothisday—heispartoftheVelvetRevolvercrew—andafterallthistimeoneofthemoreentertainingaspectsofhavinghimaroundishisstillendlesssupplyofroadstories.ManyofthemendwithMikelandinghimselfinthehospitalduetoallsortsofailmentsandinjuriesthataretypicallyself-inflictedoranunforeseeneffectofpartying.Oneofthemostmemorablestoriesinhisarsenalisaboutthetimehegotsodrunkthathefelloutofacar,skiddedonhisheaddownthepavement,andwokeupinthehospitalwithametalplateinhisskull.Sometimesitsetsoffthemetaldetectorsinairports.McBobwaslikeRobertShaw—CaptainQuint—inJaws,sittingthereonthebowofTheOrcadroppingtheseheavywarstoriesonuslikeaone-manatombomb.

OurcrewwasroundedoutbyBillSmith,myguitartech,whomIsoonrealizedwasinitsolelyforthebeer.Hewasasweetguy,helovedtoparty,andhesatthereonthesideofthestage,watchingtheshowmorethanhelpingrunitbehindthescenes.I’dsayheprobablychangedfiveguitarstringstheentiretour;hewasabletoswapthemoutokay,itwasjustthathedidn’tgetitdoneonanyconsistentorlogicaltimetable.ThankstoBill,Ilearnedtoplaymorecarefully—ItriedtoneverbreakastringbecauseifIdid,IneverknewwhenIwouldgetthatguitarback.Ionlyhadtwoguitarsontheroad,soI’mnotsurewhatwastakingsomuchtime.Needlesstosay,IhadtoreplaceBill.Allthingsconsidered,betweenourcrewandourinexperiencewithtouringonaprofessionallevel,ouroperationcameoffliketheBadNewsBears.

THEREISANESSENTIALMOTIVEFORtouringthatneverdawnedonusbackthen:wewerecompletelyignorantthattouringwasintendedtopromoteourrecord.Wethoughtofitasallforthesakeofplaying.Itwas,tome,workforthesakeofwork,becausewithoutatour,I’dhavenowhereelsetobe.Weweretoointotheexperiencetothinkofpromotingour“product”daytodayaswewalked

onstage,butAlanwastryingtofigureouthowtomarketthisthing,probablysohe’dhavesomethingelsetoboastaboutasmuchasjustmakingitsucceed.

Alanwasn’tdoingagoodjob,andneitherwasGeffen,becausetheonethingIwaspainfullyawareofwhenweplayedeverynightwasthatnobodywasawareofourrecordwhatsoever.Wefeltasunheardofasanyotherbandyou’veneverheardof.Sowekeptitmoving,wekepttouringregardlessofhowwewerereceived,andAlanandTomZutautkeptpumpingAppetite.Theonlyotheroptionwouldhavebeentogohome,andwehadnointentionofgoinghomeeveragainifwecouldhelpit.

Foranentireyear,fromAugust1987tosometimelatein1988,wedidn’tseeL.A.formorethanafewdays;wejustbouncedfromtourtotour.AlanNivenbookedusatouracrossEuropeopeningforAerosmith,withFasterPussycatonthebill,thatwastokickoffafewdaysafterTheCulttourended.Aerosmithhadjustreturnedtorockandroll,andwecouldn’tthinkofanyonewe’drathersupport.Butitwasn’tmeanttobethistime—atthelastminuteAerosmithcanceled,soinsteadofgoinghome,AlansentusouttherewithFasterPussycatandagreatJapanesebandcalledEZOtofulfillourobligations.

Itwasourfirstheadliningtour;itbeganinGermany,attheMarkthalleinHamburgonSeptember29,1987.Itwasgreattoheadline,butwehadafewissues.FasterPussycatwasoneofthosebandswehatedfromL.A.;theywereexactlythekindofpeoplewetriedtoavoid.Thetourwasalsoabitofacultureshock:Hamburgstillfeltlikeitwasapost–WorldWarIIcasualty—theplacehadaprettynarrowviewpoint.Itwasadark,industrial,sortofsourcitythatseemed,asawhole,asifthey’drathernothaveusthereiftheycouldhelpit.Thatkindofenvironmentalwaysinspiredustoshowourtruecolorsmorethanusual,whichdidn’tgooverwell.Everytimewe’dwalkintoarestaurant,everyheadcrankedaroundandtheroomgotquiet.Andwhenitdid,wewereallthemoredeterminedtoorderabunchofdrinksandsmokeandcarryonmorethanweeverwouldhavedoneinthefirstplace.

ThattourwasourfirstexperiencewithDougGoldstein,too,thenewtourmanagerthatAlanappointedtolookafterus.Irememberwegotinlateatnight—afulldayafterFasterPussycat—andthenextmorningIgotupandwenttoDoug’sroomtocollectourperdiemsbeforewesetoutsightseeing.AllacrossGermany,andespeciallyinHamburg,thereareoutrageouslygraphicpornoshops,usuallyinavery-easy-to-find,centrallocation,andthatiswherewewent.

Iwasexcitedtonoend—I’dneverseenanythingsoobsceneinmylife.Iwaslikeakidinacandystore,pullingtheseinsanegraphicmagazinesofftheshelf—beastiality,pregnantwomen,justthemostdepravedthingsimaginable—holdingthemupfortheotherguyslike,“Haveyoufuckingseenthis?”

WewerestayinginthesamehotelasFasterPussycatandweranintotheminthelobbyandsaidhellobeforewetookoffthatday.Wewerecivil,I’llsaythat,butnotwhatI’dcallfriendly.Regardless,onceweletthemknowthatweweregoingtoheadouttoseethecity,MarkMichals,Pussycat’sdrummer,insistedoncomingalongwithus.

Hisbandlookedalittlebitnervous.“No,no,stayherewithus,”oneofthemsaid.

“No,that’scool,I’mgoingtogo,”Marksaid.

“Really,youshouldreallystay,we’regoingtogooutlater,”anotheronesaid.

“Yeah,it’scool,I’mgoingwiththeseguys,”hesaid.

Wedidnothingtoencouragehim,letaloneinvitehim.Ievenrememberoneofusblurtingout,“No,staywiththem,”buttherehewastaggingalongwithIzzy,Steve,Duff,andmefortheday.OurfirststopwaslunchatEuroMcDonald’s.IhadbecomeahugeMcRibfanduringtherecordingofAppetite,sothatwastheheightofcuisinetome.IwashappytoseetheMcRibonthemenuinHamburg,andtothenakedeye,itlookedliketherealdeal,butitwasn’t:insteadofbarbecue,ithadsomekindofanonymousbrownsauceonit.Therewentmyonemealfortheday.Thereasonwhyweweresoemaciatedbackthenwasthatweneverreallyateanything.

Inanycase,wewanderedaroundallafternoon,andwhenitgottobeevening,weheadedtotheReeperbahn,whichisastreetthatisfivestraightblocksofbrothelswherenowomenareallowed—justlikeAmsterdam’sred-lightdistrict,everytypeofgirlyoucanimagineisavailable.Wewereinheaven:we’dneverseenanythinglikeitandatthetimewedidn’thavefriendsinbandswhohadbeenaroundmorethanwehad,sonocrewofseasonedguyshadtoldusanythingaboutthisplace.Iwastrippingout.IthinkinthefirstfifteenminutesStevenblewhisentireperdiemonhookers.Wewerewalkingalongwhenhesuddenlydisappearedintothissubterraneangarage,wheretherewere

allmannerofprostitutesjusthungoutagainstcolumnsundercoloredindustrial-strengthfluorescentlights.

ItwasgettinglaterandthisguyMarkwasstilltrailingus.WelefttheReeperbahnandwenttosomebarthatwasoneoftheplacestheBeatlesplayedwhentheywerestartingout.Onceagain,wewalkedinthereandwewerethescourgeoftheearth,butwedidn’tcare;wedrankJackwithonecubeoficeperdrink(becausethat’sallthattheywouldputintheglass)untiltheyclosed.Wewalkedbacktothehotelandthisguywasstillwithus—atthatpointwe’dstoppedtalkingtohimaltogether.Ithadbeenalongday,soIwenttopassoutinmybedwhileMarkdidthesameintheotherbed—whichwasDuff’s.NowIzzywasalwaystheGreatInstigator:hecouldstirthingsupwithoutgettinginvolved,sohedidn’tletthisopportunityslide.

“Hey,Duff,”hesaid.“Thatguyissleepinginyourbed.”

“Yeah,heis,isn’the,”Duffsaid.

“Yougonnalethimdothattoyou,man?”Izzysaid.“Fuckthat!Hecan’tdothattoyou.”

“Noway!Fuckno,man!”Duffsaid.

“Whothefuckisthatguyanyway,man?”Izzysaid.

“Yeah,whothefuckdoeshethinkheis?”Duffsaid,nowgettingprettyheated.“Fuckthatguy!”

Theytriedtowakehimupprettyroughly,butMarkwasoutcold.

“Iknowwhatweshoulddo,man,”Izzysaid.“Let’stapehimupandputhimdowntheelevatorshaft.”

“Fuckyeah!”Duffsaid.

“We’llputhimdowntheelevatorshaft.Hecansleepontopoftheelevator.”

Theytapedthisguyupprettygood:hisarms,hishands,hisankles,andhismouthwerealltotallybound.Hewasamedium-sizeguy,about140pounds,sotheycarriedhimoffandgothimtotheelevator,andthat’swhenhewokeupand

startedsquealinglikeastuckpig.Theyquicklyabandonedtheoriginalplanandjustthrewhimintheelevatorandsentitdowntothelobby.Thehotelstaffdealtwithhimfromthere.Theygotthetapeoff,andoncehetoldthemwhohewas,theywentthroughthechainofcommanduntiltheygotintouchwithhisband,whohadtocomeretrievehimbecausehehadnoroomkey,noID,nomoney,nonothing.ThatwasthelastnightIspoketohim;Ijustnoddedathimfortherestofthetour.Cometothinkofit,thatwasthelastweheardfromanyofthem.

Thenextnightwedidthegig,thefirstoneofourheadliningtour,andit’sgoodthatitdidn’tsetaprecedent.Thevenuewasonthewater;itwasthisreallyindustrial,darkroomwithbenchesandlongtablesonthesides.Everythingintherewaspaintedblack—itwastheblackestclubI’veeverseenanditjustreekedofstalebeer.Onthewallsweresignaturesandgraffitifromeverysingleheavymetalandthrashbandwhohadbeenthroughthere,whichappearedtobemany.

Theaudiencewaswithoutadoubtthemostlacklustercrowdwehadeverplayedtoinourlives:asIrecall,theywereascoldandmiserableastheweather.Irememberthatbeforewewentonandthesecondwegotoff,theclubplayednothingbutMetallica,nonstop.ItwasobviousthatanyAmericanband,oranybandatall,thatdidn’tsoundlikeMetallicawasn’tgoingtogoover.AndIwasright.WegotthroughtheshowandtheonlythoughtgoingaroundinmymindwhenwefinishedwasIwouldfuckinghatetohavetodothisagaintomorrow.

Iwasextremelyapprehensiveabouthowtherestofthetourwasgoingtogo—particularlysincewehadmorethanafewdatestodoinGermany.Wehadafewdaystogobeforethenextgig,duringwhichtimemyworryescalated.ButoncewegottoDüsseldorf,anairiercitywithmoretreesandfewerbombshelters,itwassuchadrasticallydifferentscenethatIrealizedjusthowbigandhowdiverseacountryGermanyis:theindividualvibeofeachcityisunique.

ASWEMADEOURWAYACROSSEUROPE,thebandstartedtogetreallytight;ourspontaneousinteractionwasbecomingreallyproandplayingwasgettingfun.WedidmostofthedrivingonourEuropeantourinasightseeingbusthatwe’dconvertedintoacommunalcrashpadbyremovingmostoftheseatsandfillingthefloorwithcushions.IzzyhadpickedupaGermangirlfriendalongthewayandshebroughtafriendalongthatIstartedhookingupwith.Ialwayslikedtofindagirlfriendineachterritorythatwe’dtravelthrough;andsinceIalready

hadmyEnglishgirl,Sally,waitingforme,IhadtoendmyGermanromanceabruptlyoncethetourcrossedtheChannel.ItoldmyGermangirl,literallythemomentbeforeIenteredtheroomwhereSallywaswaitingforme,thatshehadtogohomeimmediately.

WhenIthinkofEurope,asidefromthegigs,IrememberspendingmostofmydaysoffinandoutofavarietyofVDclinics.BackinL.A.,IwasdatingapornochickaswellasthissweetlittlejunkiejailbaitgirlfriendIhad.Rightafterwe’dshotthevideofor“WelcometotheJungle,”Irememberwakingupanddiscoveringthesethreeweirdlittleredmarksontheleftsideofmystomach.Atthetime,AIDShadreallykickedinandbecomeanationalhealthissue.Itstartedastrangehysteriaamongrockmusicians;everyonewasalarmedbutmostofusstillfeltimmunetothewholething.WefiguredthatnooneneededtoworryaboutituntilDavidLeeRothgotit.

Allthesame,IhadjustreadTimemagazine’scoverstoryonAIDSandthepicturesofHIV-relatedlesionslookedexactlylikethemarksonmystomachtome.Itwasprobablyjustpsoriasisoranirritation,butIwasconvincedthatbetweenmypornochickandmyjunkiegirlfriendthatI’dcaughtit,becauseIhadn’tusedprotectionwitheitherofthem.IrememberwalkingupMelrosenearSanVincenteafterleavingthejunkiegirlfriend’splacetogotoaclinicforanAIDStest.IthoughtIwasagoner;IwasconvincedthatthisEuropeantourwouldbetheonlyinternationaltourI’deverdobeforeIdied.Luckily,thetestwasnegative.

Itdidn’thelpthatontopofthat,I’dpickedupvenerealwarts,probablyfromthepornochick—whichintensifiedmyAIDSterror.I’dbeenprettypromiscuousuptothatpointandneverusedprotection,butIneverthoughtanythingmoreseriousthancrabscouldhappentome.Whenthesethingsshowedup…Ithought,Whatthefuckisthis?Iwenttoaclinicbeforeweleftandtheytriedtogetridofthemafewtimes,butnothingworked;theykeptcomingback.Whenwestartedonthetour,theyhadgottensopainfulthatIcouldn’tsleeponmystomach.Ispentallofmytimeinandoutofclinicsineverycountrywewentto,keepingthesethingsatbay.IwantedtogetridofthempermanentlybeforeImetupwithSally.EventuallyIgotthemoffproperlysotheydidn’treturnjustbeforewegottotheU.K.;Sallyneverknewathing.

IfIhadtochoosemyfavoriteshowofthetour,itwastheParadisoinAmsterdam.Thevenueisamazing;itisadark,forebodingbuildingthatusedtobeachurch.Insidethemainhallarehighceilings,arches,andgreatacoustics.

beachurch.Insidethemainhallarehighceilings,arches,andgreatacoustics.Somanylegendshadplayedthere,fromtheSexPistolstotheStones,soIwasexcitedtodoit.IrememberAxlgoingoffonoldrockstarsthatnightduringtheset:Idon’trecallhisexactwordsbutthegistofitwasthatanyolder-generationrockstarwhofeltthatwewererippingthemoffwasright—wewere,butweweredoingitbetter.IthinkhecappedthatspeechoffbytellingPaulStanleytosuckhisdick.

ThatshowwassogreatthatIzzyandIdecidedtocelebratebyscoringsomedope.WewereinAmsterdamafterall,wheresoftdrugsarebasicallylegalandharddrugsaren’thardtofind—atleastthat’swhatwethought.Wespenthalfthenightlookingfordealers,andeventuallycoppedsomesmackthatwassosteppedonandweakthatitwasn’tevenworththeeffort.Obviouslywewerepeggedastourists.

WetookaferryfromHollandtoEngland,andforthecrewguyswhohadtourexperienceitwasnobigdeal,butforusitwashuge.Youcouldsmokeasmuchpotasyouwanteduntilyougotthere.Itwaswild,allofthecrewguysandthebandsmokingthemselvestodeath,tryingtoconsumetherestofwhateverthey’dboughtinAmsterdam.Therewasamainbararea,andAxlgotsohighthathewenttosleepononeofthecouchesthere.Weweretheonlyonesintherewhenhedid,butsoontheplacefilledup,andalloftheotherpassengerssataroundhimandkindofleanedonhim.Irememberopeningthedoorstothevariouscabins,whereoneoranotherofourcrew,likeBill,myguitartech,wouldbesmokingeverysinglelastcrumboftheirweedsotheywouldn’thavetothrowitoverthesidebeforewegottoEngland.

WeendedthetouronOctober8,1987,inLondonanditwasamazing.Thebandwasreallycomingintoitsown;we’dhadenoughroadtimebythentoknowwhatweweredoing.Wehadbecomecomfortableasplayers:weknewoneanotherwellenoughthatwedidn’thavetothinkmuchaboutwhatweweredoingthemomentwewenton.Onceyouhavethatfamiliarity,youcanimproviseandbuildfromthereandmakeeveryshowunique.TheHammersmithOdeonshowwasexplosive;die-hardfansthatIrunintotothisdaytellmethatitwasthebestshowofoursthey’veeverseen.Whenashowreallyclicked,aswedidthatnight,wewouldhaveagreatinteractiongoingbetweenmeandIzzybecausewehadthatindescribableguitarrelationship;orIcouldbeinsyncwiththerhythmsection,DuffandSteven;ortherewasthegreatinteractionbetweenAxl’senergyandmyemotionalinterplaywithhim.Itwasjustgreatenergyasawhole—we’dthrowitoutatthecrowdandthey’dthrowrightbackatus.It

couldn’thavehappenedinabettervenue:theHammersmithOdeonisthefamousroomwhereeveryonefromMotörheadtoTheWhotoBlackSabbathtotheBeatlestoJohnnyCashhasplayed;andit’swhereBowiedidhisfinalgigasZiggyStardustin1973.

WERETURNEDTOTHESTATESANDlandedinNewYorkCityandwentdirectlytodoMTV’sHeadbangersBall.Immediatelyafterwardwe’dhavetogetonthetourbustodoanovernightdriveandmeetupwithMötleyCrüetobeginourstintopeningforthem.We’dflownallnight,hadn’tshowered,andwereinnomoodfortheMTVexperience.Fromthemomentweenteredthebuildingattena.m.,itwasahugeclashbetweenhungover,sweaty,uncleantouring-in-the-same-clothes-for-weeksrockmusicansandthecorporateworldofMTV.WegottoreceptionandtherewasaGeffenrepresentativewaitingtomeetuswhowasallsmilesandbullshitgraciousposturing.Wegotourlittlenametags,wefiledthroughtheturnstileintotheelevatorandintoaroomtowait;somegreenroomwithnothinginitbuttwocouchesandatable.Therewasnorider,noamenities,nothinginthereatall.IhadmybottleofJackwithme,ofcourse,soIwasfine.

Itwasobviousthatweweren’thappy,sosomeoneuptheresentVJDowntownJulieBrownintosayhelloandkeepusoccupiedforaminute.Igotthefeelingthatitwasn’theridea;shedidn’twanttobeinthatroomatall.Shewentthroughthepacesbutwasn’tanythingclosetohertrademarkbubblyself;shelookednervousandapprehensive.Clearlyshehadtheworstpreconceptionsofourband;forsomeonewholivedinNewYorkandwassupposedly“downtown,”sheturnedmystomach.IfI’dbeenfurtherthroughmybottleofJack,IprobablywouldhaveshoutedwhatIwasthinking:Shutthefuckupalready,wedon’twanttobehereeither,butweallhavetogetthroughthisday.

Whenwegotonset,wemetJJJackson,thehost,andhewasreallycool.Theyhadthisbigset,andsomewherealongtheline,wejokedthatweshoulddestroyitoncamera.Thatideastuck,andamongourselveswedecidedthatweweregoingtodojustthat.Sowegotintotheinterview,andAxltalked,answeringallofJJ’squestions.Isattherequietly;theotherguyswerequiet,too.Wewaiteduntiltheshowwasjustaboutoverandthenintensecondsflatwetotaledtheset.Ididn’tthinkaboutitatthetimeoragainuntilacoupleofweekslaterwhenIsawtheepisode.Welookedlikesavagezombiesstraightoutof28DaysLater.Thatwasourfirstrealexposure,ourfirststepupfromjusthavinga

videoonMTV;thatwasus,inchingourwayintomainstreamconsciousness.

WeleftMTV,gotonourbus,andthenextdaysetoffwithMötley.ItwassurrealtofollowupaweekspentinaconvertedsightseeingbusheadlininginEuropewithaMidwesterntourofAmericasupportingMötleyCrüe:theyweretouringGirls,Girls,Girls,wereenjoyingtheapexoftheirpopularity,andwereabandwhosparednoexpense.IhadalwayslikedTommyfromthemomentImethim—he’sprobablythemostgenuine,true-blue,heart-of-goldpersontoemergefromthatscene.IalwayslikedNikkibecausehewasthebrains,themarketing,andideasguybehindthatband.I’dalwaysrespectedhisdedicationandhispassiontohisvisionandhowhe’dmadeitareality.MötleywastheonlybandfromL.A.thatcameoutoftheglammetalscenethatwas100percentgenuine.Theymightnothavebeenthemostoriginal—afterall,Nikkishamelesslyliftedentirepartsfromotherbands.ButwhetheritwasKissoranyoftheirotherinfluences,Mötleyworethoseinfluencesontheirsleevesandweresosincereanddevotedthatyoucouldnotfaultthemforit—andNikkiembodiedallofthatinmymind.OnthattourDuffandIcouldusuallybefoundincloseproximitytoNikkibecauseweknewthathewasalwaysholdingahugebagofblow.

Thoseguyswereverygenerouswithus;theytookusinlikeproudparents,andlikeproudparents,theyshowedoffthehousethattheirhardworkhadbuilt.Thiswastheirthirdbigheadliningworldtour,sotheyhadtheirentirestageshowgoing:afullarsenalofpyrotechnics,ahugecrew,monthsofsold-outarenastoplay—thefullrock-and-rolldream.Theyhaddevelopedthisconvenientsystemofcommunicationinvolvingwalkie-talkiesandnumericcodes:everyoneintheband’sproductionhadawalkie-talkiewithakeytapedtothebackofitexplainingwhatthevariousnumbersrepresented.Therewerecodesstrictlyforthecrewrelatingtogear,lightingequipment,load-in,etc.Thenthereweretheband’swalkie-talkiecodes,whichcoveredtheirday-to-dayneeds.Forexample,“1”stoodforblow,whichwaslistedunderanickname;“2”wasacodewordforchicks;“3”stoodforbooze,andsoon.Itwasgreat,atanygiventime,asthesituationrequired,they’djustgetonthelineandsay,“Hey,it’sTommy,Ineedanumberone,anumberthree,andifyouseeafewgoodnumbertwosalongtheway,bringallofthattomydressingroom.And,uh,pleasehurry.Thankyouverymuch!”

Wehungoutwiththoseguysalotduringthetour,butNikkiwasalwaysveryawareofhowmuchhewasshowingofftheirsuccessandmakingtheband’sstatusknowntous.HeandTommyweretheonlyonesinvitingusoverto

enjoytheirspoils:weneversawVinceandforthatwholetourInevermetMickMars.TothisdayI’venevermethim,actually.AsmuchasitfeltlikeNikkiwassharingwithus,itwascleartomethathewasdoingittoboastalittle;especiallybecauseweonlysawhimandenjoyedtheirprivilegeswhenNikkifeltlikehangingout.Therewasalwaysanagendawithhim:inthetouringsituationhewasneveroutofcontrol—wheneverhedidlosecontrolhewasalwaysinasituationwherehe’dbetakencareof.Irespectedthat:Nikkididn’tliketomakehimselfvulnerable.Andhangingoutwiththelikesofuswasnotatallconducivetoretainingcontrol.

Mötleyweretravelingbyprivateplaneasoftenaspossibleatthatpoint,andforoneofthelongertravellegsbetweengigs,Nikkiinvitedustojointhemontheplane.ItwasmorethanmostheadlinerswouldhavedoneandflyingMötleyAirwasenjoyable;thetripcamecompletewithdrinks,lines,andaislesurfingduringtakeoffandlanding—asportthatinvolvesstandingsidewaysintheaisleandridingtheplane’smomentum.Ifyougetthechance,doit;Ihighlyrecommendit.

Atthetime,therewasn’tamoredebaucheddoublebillthanGunsandMötley;andasmuchasweliveduptoit,thatrealityquicklybecamebusinessasusual.Thatgigwasmyfirstexposuretofirst-classprofessionaltouring,which,unlikeSteven,hadneverbeensomethingIcoveted,althoughit’sbecomearegularpartofmylife.Tome,thosemomentsonstage,playingguitarbeforeacrowd,iswhatit’sallabout.Thatiswhathasalwaysmatteredtome;thatiswhatmakesalloftheboredomanddramathatcomeswithbeinginatouringrockbandworthit.

SoIdideverythingpossibletoputdistancebetweenyesterdayandthepresent.

AlthoughI’dbeenaroundshowbusinessallofmylife,ontheMötleytourIfinallyrealized,firsthand,thatentertainmentwasequalpartstediumforeachmomentofmagic—itdemandedcommitment.Eveninthebestofsituations,lifeontheroadismonotonous:yougetupatwhatevertime;youpassthetimeuntilthegig;youdothegig;andyouparty,usuallywhiletravelingtothenextone,whereyoudoitallagain.Touringbecomesonebigblurofaveryintensemoment.

Thatsaid,ithasneverbecomeclichétome;I’vealwaysknownwhereIam.Touring,tothisday,isstillnotaclichétome;everyroomisnotthesame.Backthenasnow,I’vealwaysmadeapointtodoasoundchecktogetthevibeofthe

thenasnow,I’vealwaysmadeapointtodoasoundchecktogetthevibeofthevenue.Iwasn’talwaysabletodosowhenwewereanopeningband,butwhatIcoulddowaslearnabitaboutthecitywewerein.Inevercaredaboutwhatwasgoingoninanygivencityculturally,butIdidcaretolearnwhatIcouldaboutouraudienceandwhattheywerelike.

UnfortunatelywhateverconclusionsI’ddrawnaboutthepeoplewho’dcometoseeuswhereverwewerewouldmostoftenbeleftintheurinalofwhateverbarIwenttoafterthegig.InmymindI’dhavethesemomentsofenlightenmentthatwouldbeforgottenentirelyenroutetothenextcityonlytoberelearnedonthenexttour.Ihadafiniteamountofmemory,andsinceIeagerlyawaitedthenextmoment,thepastfadedfast.IfanythingtouringtomeisliketheStephenKingstory“TheTommyknockers,”wherethepastiseagerlymunchingawayatyourheelsasyoudesperatelytrytostayonestepahead.

Whenyouarethatgunghotogetwhereyou’regoing,thereisneverenoughtimeinaday.Idon’tremembersleepingorrestingatallduringthisperiod;therewasafeverpitchtoeverythingandIdidn’twanttomissathing.ItfeltlikeifIsloweddown,timewouldcatchupandthenallofitwouldstop.

SoIdideverythingpossibletoputdistancebetweenyesterdayandthepresent.I’vealwaysbeenthatwayandIstillam.ItiswhyIdon’thaveanymemorabiliatospeakof:Idon’thavegoldandplatinumrecords,onlytheguitarsthatmeansomethingtome.Mywife,Perla,wassoshockedbythatfactthatsherecentlyhadtherecordcompanyremakemeplatinumcopiesofallofmyrecords.Shehungthemonthewallleadingupthestairsinourhouse.Ithinktheylastedaweek;theydrovemesonutsItookthemdownonenightandputtheminstorage.Idon’tneedaccoladesonthewalltoremindmewhoIam.

MYONLYTANGIBLECONNECTIONSTOthepastoutsideofmymemoriesarethemeticulousdayplannersI’vemaintainedformostofmylife—untilIgaveuponthemafterhavingtoomanystolenorlost.ButIhavesavedallofthosethatsurvivedandafewhavecomeinprettyhandywhenuglylegalsituationsorsomethinglikethisbookhavepoppedupandI’veneededtorecallspecifics.ItwashowIkepttrackofmylifeandIdidnoteeverysignificantevent.Thatsaid,unfortunately,thistourwithMötleyisablackholebecause,forthefirsttimeinmylife,someonestolethatdayplanner,alongwithalloftheveryfewclothesIhadwithmeontour.Itwasn’thardforthemtodo—allofitwasstuffedintothe

pillowcasethatdoubledasmyluggage.OursecurityguardRonStalnakerwouldalwayshandleourbags—hewasoneofthosekindofguyswhoagainstallrhymeorreasonhadthisneedtocarrythingsandexerthimself.Hismind-setwasrobotic,“Imustpickupandcarry…”Itwasfinewithusbecauseweneverusedbellboysorportersanywaybecausebackthenwecouldn’taffordthetips.

SoRonniehadsetourbagsupagainstthesideofthebusandgonebackintothehotelwhereverweweretogetmorebagsfromthelobby.Somekidhadbeenwaitingthereandgrabbedthefirsttwobagssetdown—whichwereDuff’sandmypillowcases.Wehardlydidlaundry;wedidn’thaveanyonetotakecareofourshit.Onoccasion—andImeanonoccasion—we’dgotoacoin-oplaundryandcleanourclothes.WeworewhatwehadandjustkeptgettingnewT-shirtswheneverpossible.Basically,oncemyjeanswerewornout,Iworemyleatherpantsfortherestofthetour.Duff,Izzy,andIdefinitelylivedbytheseatofourpants(punintended)clotheswise;we’dthrowourshitinonelaundrybagorpillowcase,boththecleananddirtyalltogether.ThatbagthatwasstolencontainedeverythingIneededthatday:socks,anewT-shirt,mydayplanner,pluseverythingelsethatIhadtowear.Wemeantenoughatthatpointforsomeonetowanttostealmy“luggage,”asifitwereaprize.Iguessthat’scool.AtthetimeitwasadragbecauseIhadnootherclothesandIwaslateforaradiointerview.Ihadtodoitinperson,liveontheair,inatowel,sinceI’dtoldRonniethatitwasokaytotakemy“luggage”tothebuswhileItookashower—I’dplannedtogetdressedenroute.AtleastIgotaT-shirtfromtheradiostation.

MÖTLEYWASTHEONLYBANDFROMTHEL.A.scenethatwecameuponthatweeverworkedwithonanational,professionallevel.Itmadesense;theyweretheonlybandwerespected,theonlyonewithwhomwecouldshareacamaraderie.Iwasstillconvincedthatnooneknewwhowewere,butapparentlytheydidbecauseitwasquitetheticketandtheshowswereamazing.Itwastheultimate“badboy”billandwebehavedaccordingly.

TherewasthenightthatNikkiSixxandIgotintoadrinkingcontest.Dependingonwhomyouask,eitherIstartedit,claimingthatIcoulddrinkbothTommyandNikkiunderthetable,orNikkidaredmetooutdrinkhim.Inanycase,heandIendedupsittingatthehotelbarwhereverwewereandgettingintoashotcontest.Nikkihadasystem.HewouldorderfourshotsandI’ddownmytworightaway,whilehe’ddownoneofhisandleavehissecondlingering,

whichI’dendupdowningbecauseitwasjustsittingthereaskindofacommunitything.Iwasawareofwhathewasdoing,butIwasstillslammingquickly,andwhetheritwastheconversationorwhatever,Istartedtolosetrack.Soonenough,themoreshotsthatwerethere,themoreI’ddrink.IntheheatofthemomentI’ddomine,whilehe’dbenursinghis,andtherewasthatextraonesodownitwent.I’dneverdrinklikethataloneandIwasn’tfooled;Iwastotallyawareofwhathewasdoing…toapoint.

Intheory,weweregoingshotforshot,butsinceIwasdrinkinghalfofNikki’srounds,I’dsaythatbytheendofitIdownedtwentyshotsofJackDaniel’stohisten.IgotsodrunkthatI’vebeentoldthatIbarfedrightthereatthebar,betweenmylegs,ontothefloor,andtriedtohideit.Idon’trememberthatatall,butIdorememberdoingwhatIalwayslikedtodowhenIwasdrunk—wrestlesomeguywhowasmuchbiggerthanme.InthiscaseitwasNikki,whomItackled,barstoolandall,outofnowhere.Nikkiisprettytall,andatthattimehewasprettyheavy,too,soheendedupturningitaround:heslammedmeonmybackandsatonme.OnceIwassedated,theytookmeupstairsandputmetobedinTommy’sdrumtechSpidy’sbed.Iwokeuptherethenextmorningcompletelyunabletoturnmyhead;IwasintheworstpainI’deverfeltinmyentirelife.ImanagedtolimptomyroomandcalledDoug,ourroadmanager,totellhimthatIneededadoctorrightaway.ApparentlyI’ddislocatedfourvertebraeinmyneck.

Icouldbarelyplaybecausesupportingtheweightofmyguitaracrossmyshoulderwasexcruciating.Ispentthenextfewweeksjuststandinginoneplaceonstagewithmytophatpulleddownasfarasitwouldgo.Thevertebraethatwereinjuredweretoofarupandtooclosetothebaseofmyskulltohaveachiropractorputthembackinline.SoIhadmyfirstexperiencewithacupunctureandthatprovedtobeveryhelpful;Igotitbeforeeverysingleshowandafewtimesaweekforafewmonthsafterward.Untiltheswellingsubsided,IwalkedaroundlikearustedTinMan.

Thatwasn’ttheonlypainfulexperiencetocomeoutofthatnight.Apparently,afterIpassedout,TommyandNikkimademethesubjectofaphotoshoot:theytookapictureofmyface,withTommy’sballsdanglingaboveit,andthenextmorningmadecopiesofit,hadthemlaminated,andpassedthemouttoeveryoneonthetour.IthinkthephotoevenbecametheofficialimagefortheirAllAccesspasses.I’dbeentea-baggedforalltheworldtosee.

NeverbeforeorsincedidGunshavethatkindofarelationshipwithaband

NeverbeforeorsincedidGunshavethatkindofarelationshipwithabandwetouredwith.Andneverwastherethesamelevelofdebaucherygoingon.Mötleywastheonlygrouparoundwithalike-mindedself-destructivementality,combinedwitharagingsenseofcompetitionandone-upsmanship.Thatentiretourwetriedtooutdoeachotheroneverylevelanditmadetheshowsthatmuchbetter.TheonlythingI’veexperiencedthatcameclosewaswhenSkidRowopenedforGunsN’Rosesyearslater,andasmuchasIhatetoadmitit,IthinkwithSebastianBachonboard,wetookitallalittlebitfurther.

Mötleydidhaveagreatfinaleinstoreforus:theyhonoredtheage-oldtraditionofpunkingtheopeningband’ssetthelastnightofthetour.Theircrewkeptitsecret,andwereallyhadnoideawhatwascoming.Aswelaunchedintoourlastsong,twentypoundsofflourfellfromtherafters,andascoolaswemighthavethoughtwewere,inaninstantwelookedridiculous.Ittookmeweekstogetthatshitoutofthecranniesofmyguitar.

Allofitwasdefinitelyalearningexperience.Mötleywereatthetopoftheirgameandwereawell-oiledmachine,butI’llneverforgetthelookofterrorintheirmanagerDocMcGee’seyeswheneverIranintohim.Hewasdealingwithabandontheedge:onthattour,attheendofeverysinglenight,Tommywasusuallysofuckedupthathelookedlikehewasonthebrinkofdying.MylastmemoryofthatwholeexperiencewaswatchingDougwheelTommythroughtheairportinabaggagecarttocatchtheirflight.Tommywascompletelypassedoutatthetime;hewasaheapoflankylimbsthathungoverthesidewithhisheadleaningallthewayforward,hischinbobbingagainsthischest.

AFTERWEWRAPPEDTHEMÖTLEYTOUR,itwasslimpickings—thereweren’ttoomanyappropriateoutletsforanactlikeours.Buttherewasoneperfectfit—AliceCooper.Itseemedlikeamarriagemadeinheaven.We’ddoneashowwithAlicebackin1986inSantaBarbarathat,ifitwereanotherartistofhisstature,wouldhavedisqualifiedusimmediately.Whenwedidthatshow,weweresupposedtodothehour-longrideouttheretogether,butAxlinsistedondrivingwithhisgirlfriendErinattheverylastminute.Wewereallagainstit,aswasAlan,butAxlconvincedhimthattherewasnothingtoworryabout.Wegottothegig;Axlwasnowheretobefound,butwasapparentlyonhisway.Itcametimetotakethestage—noAxl—soIzzyandDuffyandSteveandIgotoutthereandstartedplayingwithouthim.IzzyandDuffsang“WholeLotofRosie”byAC/DCandafewothercovers.WewereopeningforAliceCooperbutbasically

thatsetwasadrunkenjamfitforabar—exceptwewereinanarena.Itgotsobadthatatonepointweaskedtheaudiencetosingleadandthenaskediftherewasaleadsingerinthehouse.Wewerefriendswiththecrowdforaminute,butthatquicklychanged;weendedupinsultingthemandthrowingthingsatthem.Itwasridiculous.

Westayeduptherefortheallottedamountoftimeandthenretreatedfromatotallyembarrassingdisaster.WegotoutofthereimmediatelyanddrovebacktoHollywood,sopissedthatwetalkedaboutkickingAxloutofthebandthatnightandlookingforanewsinger.IzzyandIwentrighttoWest’shouseandIwasupsetenoughtousesmackagain;aswegothighinthebathroom,IzzyandItalkedaboutthefucked-upshowandwhatweweregoingtodoaboutit.Itwasn’tthefirsttimewe’dhadthesetalks;I’dsaythatthesubjectoffiringAxlcameupsixtimes,veryseriously,inthelifecycleoftheband.IzzyandIwereinthemiddleofreallystrategizinghowtodoitwhenAxlshowedup.Hecameintothebathroomandsatdownonthebathtubandhestartedtalking.

TheamazingthingaboutAxlisthathedidn’tunderstand,insituationslikethisone,thathehaddoneanythingwrong;itwasn’twithinhisframeofreference.HewalkedintothatbathroombelievinghehadnoreasontoapologizeasfarasIcouldtell.Allthesame,hespokeatlengthandasmuchastheconversationleftthesubjectofhisabsenceatthegig,hedidmakeatypeofveryvagueapology.Andwhenhedid,healsoexplained,withmuchmorepassionthanhelenttotheapology,whyhe’ddonewhathedid.HisreasoningforhisactionswassoinvolvedthatallthatIcameawaywithwastheimpressionthathewastotallyunawareoftheimplicationsofhisno-showandwhathadtranspiredinhisabsencethatheliterallydidn’tgetitatall.TherearecertainprotocolsthatAxljustdidn’theed;sincehe’snotinthesamemindspaceasotherpeople,theacceptednormsjustdon’toccurtohim.

Explainingthosenormsmightormightnotmakeadifference;you’dneverknow.Axlissuperintelligent,yetatthesametimehelivesinaplacewherethelogicthatgovernsotherpeopledoesnotapply.Hedoesn’teverrealizewhataninconveniencehischoicesmightbeforothers.Hemeansnoharm;it’sjustthewayheis.It’sveryhardtotrytoevenexplainit.Heisassincereassomeonecanpossiblybe,butitcomesdowntothefactthatAxl,regardlessoftheworldaroundhim,insistsonexistingaccordingtorulesthatholdtrueonlyintheuniversethathehascreatedaroundhimself.ThatAliceCoopershowwasaclearexample:IrememberbeingreallyangryandIzzyfeltthesamewaythatnight.Butaspissedoffaswewere,sittingthereinthatbathroom,discussinghowwe

Butaspissedoffaswewere,sittingthereinthatbathroom,discussinghowweweredeterminedtofindanewsinger,whenheshowedup,Axlstillwonusover.Slowlybutsurely,wefounditinourheartstojustletitgo.Ofcourseitdidn’thurtthatwe’dbeendoingsmack…weweresoloadedthatafterawhilenoneofthedramaseemedtomatteranyhow.

Inanycase,thatwasthenandthiscertainlywasnow.Apparently,Alicehadgottenakickoutofthatperformanceofours;Ithinkhe’dseenabitofhisyoungerselfinus.AlicewassupportingRaiseYourFistandYell,andhadn’thadthebestyear:he’dalmostbeenkilledonstagewhenhisfamousguillotinestagepropmalfunctionedandnearlydecapitatedhim.Alicehadcleaneduphisactatthetime,too,soasidefromafewrowdymembersofhisband,weweretheonlyobviouslybadapplestobefoundonthatouting.WesetoffonalegofhisU.S.tourwithyetanotherentry-level,burned-out,unforgettablebusdriver.Thisguywasalong-hairedmusicianwholikedtotalkaboutthemusichewasalwayswriting,andasmuchashewas“fun”tohangoutwith,heconsistentlydidstuffthatmadelifeharderthanithadtobeforus.Thebiggestproblemwasthathealwayswantedtogooutwithus,soinsteadofparkingthebusinoneplaceandlettingusfindourwaytowhereverwewantedtogo,he’doffertotakeusthereonthebusandinevitablygotuslostonsidestreets.Needlesstosay,hedidn’tlastlong.

WhenwefirstcameonthetourAlicewassuperkindandsupportive.Hewelcomedusonboardwithnoagenda;therewasnohierarchyandnobullshit.Hegenuinelylikedourbandandwhatwewereabout—andwecompletelylookeduptohim.Wetooklotsofpictureswithhim,putitthatway.Itwasaninterestingtransition:beingaroundMötley,we’dseenalarge-scaleproductiongoingonandapredictableperformanceeverynight.WithAlice,itwasthesameatawholenewlevel.Asmuchaswe’dbeenfansforyears,basedonhisrecordsandlyricsandpersona,itwassomethingelsetotourwithhim.Hehadakeyboardplayer,aweight-liftingbehemothofaguitarplayer,aswellasKipWingeronbass,anotherguitarplayer,andadrummer.Hewasbackedupbyabunchofhiredsessionguysandhadallkindsofprops,anditwasinterestingtowatchhowAliceinteractedwithallofit.Hehadaneight-pieceband,backupsingers,actors,costumechanges,…itcertainlywasashow.

SlashhashadthethrillofsharingthestagemanytimeswithAliceCooperovertheyears.

Healsohadasnake,whichIwasexcitedtosee.ButAlicewasn’tasnakecollector;hedidn’thaveoneathome,itwasmoreofapropaswell.Hedidhaveaguytheretotakecareofit,aguythatwasn’tveryknowledgeableabouthowtocareforthispoorboaconstrictoraswetraveledacrossthefrozenMidwest,soIgavehimsometips.Regardless,wekickedassonthattour.

Becauseoftheproduction,wewererightupagainstthefrontofthestage,rightupagainsttheaudience,andthatwasacatalyst.Thoseshowsweredynamic,withminimallightingandvenuessmallerthanthoseontheMötleytour;allinall,itwasahugeandswiftdeparturefromwherewe’djustbeen.Thatwastheonethemethatcharacterizedthistimeforus:wechangedgearsconstantly.Drasticastheywere,thosechangesforcedustolearnalotinashortamountoftime.Ifwedidn’tadaptwewouldfail;itwasthatsimple.Forabandstuckinitsways,itwasgoodforustobeforcedintoallofthesedifferentsituationswithnowarning.

WEWEREINCENTRALMICHIGANINsomenowheretown;Iwashavingadrinkatthehotelbarwhenourtourmanagertoldmethatthegigwascanceledbecause

somethinghadhappenedwithAlice.Afewhourslaterwelearnedthathisfatherhaddied;andforthenextfewdayswewaitedinthehotelbarwonderingifthetourwouldgoon.Thesecondnightofthatvigil,StevenAdlercompletelylostit.Stevencouldgetveryemotionalatthedropofahat,andhiswayofshowingitwascompleteandutterdefiance.Inthislittletown,therewasasportsbar,arestaurantortwo,thehotel,andnootherdistractionformiles.Duffwaswithhimthatnight;theyhadgoneoutdrinkingandforsomereasonStevengotsoworkedupthathepunchedastreetlamp.Hebrokehishandentirelyandwassidelinedforsomethinglikesixweeks.

AlanhadbookedusfourheadliningdatesbackinL.A.thatweretofollowtheAlicetourweeksandwerealizedthatStevenwasn’tgoingtobeoutofhiscastintime,soweputoutthewordthatweneededadrummertositinforafewshows.Withinaday,wehookedupwithFredCurry,thedrummerforCinderella,andhewasgreatinapinch.Fredlearnedallofthesongsrightaway,andwerehearsedwithhiminthelobbyofthehotelinMichigan;IzzyandDuffandIonourguitarswhileFredplayedalongondrumpads.

Afterafewdays,weheardthatAlicehadcanceledthetour,soweflewbacktoL.A.andpreparedforthePerkinsPalaceshows.WewereallresentingSteveatthetime;wehadnosympathyforthefactthathe’dwokenupthemorningafterthestreet-lampincidentwithacastonhisarm,knowinghe’dgottentoodrunkanddonesomethingstupid.He’dfuckedup—hehadtodealwiththeconsequences.

WhenwegotbacktoL.A.,StevenandImovedintotheFranklinApartments,furnishedshort-termunitsonHollywoodandFranklin,forthefewnightsbeforewedidthefourPerkinsPalaceshowsinPasadenaandforawhileafterthat.WhenIcheckedin,IhadSallyintow.She’dshownupattheDruryHotelinMissouri—whichwecalledtheDrearyHotelinMisery—withagreencardandwasallsettostaywithmeforawhile.SheisfromSheffieldandisarealEnglishgirl,soshewasoutofherelementimmediately,touringwithus,butshesurvived.SheandImovedintoaplacerightnextdoortoSteven.

WehadafewweeksbeforethosefourPerkinsPalaceshowswentdowninPasadena,andasusual,givenafewdaysfreedominL.A.,Idoveheadlongintolunaractivities.OneofthosenightsLarsUlrichandJamesHetfieldfromMetallicacameoverandwedidsomeoutrageouspartying.SallywasthereandIrememberthattherewasagirlthatJameswantedtofuckandIlethimtakeherintomybedroom.TheywereinthereforawhileandIhadtogetintheretoget

intomybedroom.TheywereinthereforawhileandIhadtogetintheretogetsomething,soIcreptinquietlyandsawJameshead-fuckingher.Hewasstandingonthebed,rammingherheadagainstthewall,moaninginthatthunderousvoiceofhis,justslammingaway,andbellowing,“That’llbefine!That’llbefine!Yes!That’llbefine!”

Steven,Sally,andIcarousedextensivelyeverysinglenight.OnetimewewenttotheCathouse,whichhadrelocatedtoHighlandandMelrose,andthatnightweranintotheinfamousMarkMansfieldaswellasNikkiSixx.Ourlittlegroupallgottogether:Iwasonanantiheroinkickforthemoment,soIwasn’tinterested,butMarkhadsomejunk,andhe,Steve,andNikkiwantedtogethigh.Iwasn’tevenprivy—theylefttoheadbacktoSteve’splacetogodoit.

LateronSallyandIwenthome;wehadafewmoredrinksinourroomandIpassedout.Sallystayedup;IthinkshewasawareofthescenegoingonSteve’sunit.Idon’tknowtheseriesofeventsbecauseIwasn’tthere,butthoseguyshaddonetheirshitandatsomepointNikkiwanderedintomyplace.Apparently,hehaddoneonetoomanyshotsbecauseheOD’dinmyapartment.

SallytriedtowakemeupwhenshefoundNikkiinaheapinacorner.Iwassodrunkandtiredthatshehadtopullmeintotheshowertobringmearound.Thathardlyworked:Igotbelligerentandthrashedaboutandbroketheglassshowerdoor.Meanwhile,theparamedicswerehoistingNikkioutofthebedroom.Stevenwasthere,too,allhigh,ofcourse.ThankGodforSally;shewastheonewhocalled911.Nikkimightnotbehereotherwise.

Afewhourslater,Christine,DocMcGee’sassistant,camebytopickupNikki’sstuff.Wefoundoutthathe’dgonetoCedars-Sinai,beenrevived,andthenhe’dcheckedhimselfoutafewhourslater.I’mnotsurewhathedidafterthatbutlegendhasitthathedidmoresmackandimmortalizedtheeveninginthesong“KickstartMyHeart.”Inanycase,iflookscouldkill,Christinewouldhavedonemein.ShetreatedmeasifNikki’soverdosewasmyfault;asifithadbeenmyjunk,myidea,asifI’dforceditonhim.Christinewassomeonewhowasusuallynicetome,butshewasnowsendingmefull-ondaggers.I’veneverspokentoheragain.

Inspiteofallofthat,thePerkinsPalaceshowsweresomeofthebestshowswe’deverdone…andFredCurrywasplaying.ItwasawfulforSteve:hewasstandingthereinhisClintEastwoodshawl,withoneofthosebatter’shelmethatswiththetwostrawsleadingintocansofbeerandhisarminacast.Isortoffeltsorryforhim.Heplayedtambourine;hewassopissedoff.Hewasniceto

feltsorryforhim.Heplayedtambourine;hewassopissedoff.HewasnicetoFred,butbarely.Icouldunderstandthat:hehadtositthereandwatchusplaythatwell—withouthim—toahomecoming,friendlycrowdthelikesofwhichwe’dneverseen.

IHADNOTHINGTODOWITHNIKKI’Soverdose,butthefactthatithappenedinmy

apartmentwasreasonenoughforthepowersthatbetopunishmebyexilingme,Sally,andStevenfromHollywoodtoaHolidayInndowninHermosaBeach.Itwasthefirstofafewtimesthatmanagementdevisedwaystogetmeoutoftowntolocationswithlessactivityinanefforttokeepmeincheck.Theirintentionsweregoodbuttheirexecutionneverwas.HermosaBeachwascertainlyeonsawayfromLosAngeles,andonethingwasforsure—Iwasstuckthereinthatlittleone-bedroomwithitslittleTVandtwochairsbecauseIdidn’thaveacar.Therewasn’taproperkitchen,therewasn’taproperanything,anditwastoofarfromatownthatcouldfulfillthoseneeds.Therewasn’tevenroomservice.

StevenwasnextdoortoSallyandme;andIhavetosay,thiswasthebeginningofSteven’sdownwardspiral.ThefewtimesIsawhimhehadallkindsofshitgoingoninhisroom;hewasdoingtonsofblowandalwayshadonegirloranotherkeepinghimcompany.Icanonlysaythisinretrospect,becauseatthetime,heseemedhappy.IwastheredrinkingbottleafterbottleofJack,asmyrelationship,suchasitwas,withSallycametoadramatichead.WefoughtnonstoponcewerelocatedtoHermosaBeach.Shebecameprogressivelymorebelligerent,andonceIfinallylostmypatience,IshippedherofftoL.A.Forthenextfewyears,I’drunintoher,andonetime,sheevenmaterializedatthefootofmybed…butwe’llgettoallofthatinjustalittlebit.

WedidLiesduringthisperiod;wegottheacousticstuffalldownandIdidmyguitaroverdubs.Thatkeptmeoccupiedforafuckingsecond,whichwasgreat,becauseeverydaythatIspentinHermosaBeachIwasonedayclosertoexploding.TheguitarpartsonLiestookmeexactlytwodays;ifanything,IwassoexcitedtobebackinL.A.thatIrippedthroughthemtooquickly—Iwishithadalltakenlonger.

Itseemedlikemyexilelastedaneternity;itwasthekindofrealitywheretwenty-fourhourstookyears.Iwasn’trealpopulardownthereeither:I’dgodowntothelocalwateringholesandtherewasnothingfuntodo,andthelocals’vibewasn’tallthatwelcoming.Thatplacewasabeach-and-surfscene,andwhenatownadoptsthatasitsculturalidentitythere’snothinginterestingaboutitatall—atleasttomygutterratsensibilitiesatthetime.

9

Don'tTryThisatHome

OncethefinallegoftheAppetitetourwasover,IwasbackinL.A.,prettyshiftlessanduncomfortable;forthefirsttimeintwoyearsIhadnopredeterminedplacetobe,jobtodowhenIwokeup.Ihadbeenawaysolongthatnothingwassatisfyingandtheeverydaybusinessoflifeseemedalientome.Iwasn’tsurehowIwassupposedtogotothestoreforgroceriesafterI’dplayedarenasinJapantheweekbefore.I’dbeenontourlongenoughtoforgetthatIonceboughtmyownliquorandcigarettes,andwhatIreallycouldn’tshakewasthethrillofplayingeverynight.Iexpectedeachdaytohitthatsamedizzyclimax.Ihadtofillthevoid.Withthebandonbreak,IembarkedonasolotourthatneverleftL.A.IwasmoredecadentthanIhadeverbeen;becausewhenthingsstop,whenthingsslowdown,andwhenIdon’tknowwhattodowithmyself,I’mthemostself-destructivepersonIknow.

Idon’tseeitassomekindoffault.Iseeitasanaturalsideeffect.Aftertwoyearsoftouring,itwilltakeanyoneatallalongtimetowinddown.IhadbeenlivingatbreakneckspeedwhereverIlived;Ihadnoideaofwhatwasgoingonwithme.I’ddonenothingatalltosloworcalmdown,soIsureashellwasn’tpreparedtostayinoneplace.Ourcareerhadmeantworkingconstantlyjusttomakeittakeoff.Andthenitkepton.Itwasfiveyears,itwaseightyears…Iwaseighteen,Iwastwenty-three.I’ddoneit;we’ddoneit.AndnowIwashome;Ismackedupagainstthewall.

AtonepointinmylifeIwassoobsessedwithheroinandopiumandanythingderivedfrompoppiesthatIwenttothelibrarytostudythecultureandthescienceofthemeveryday.IreadwhatIfound;fromthetextbooksthatexplainedthechemicalmakeupofthedrugstothehistorybooksthatchronicledtheevolutionoftheTriadsandtheotherChinesegangswhoruledthetraffickingandsmugglingofit.Ialsoreadaboutallofmyrock-starheroes…alljunkies.Allthingsconsidered,IdidmanagetocomeintothatpartofthedrugculturewithoutanimageinmindthatIwastryingtoportrayormimic.Itwasasimplecontradictionthatmadecompletesensetome:everyoneintownwasdoingheroin,andbecauseofthatIwasn’tinterestedinitatall.ButonceIactuallydidit,Iwasveryintoit…Ijustfeltnoneedtoadvertisemyinterest.

Thefirstandlastrock-and-rollbooksthatIeverreadwereloadedwithheroinanddruguse,andweremuchtoosensational.IreadHammeroftheGodsandNoOneHereGetsOutAlive,historiesofLedZeppelinandTheDoors,respectively.Theymentionthedrugsthroughout,andIwassoobsessedatthetimethatIreadthemforthedrugsonly;Iwasn’tinterestedinwhateverelsetheyhadtosay.Tome,thosebookswerebasicallywrittenfortheauthors’ownentertainment;theyseemedinaccurateandfullofshit.AndafterthatIneverreadanotherrock-and-rollbiographyagain.

InthatwayIneverdidmy“homework”;Ineverstudiedthelivesofotherjunkiesinrockandroll.ButatthesametimeIdidn’thaveto:IgothiptoKeithRichardsandEricClaptonandRayCharleslateroninlife.Ithinkthatanyonewhoisatruejunkiehasaninnatekinshipwithotherjunkies.SomehowIknewthatwesharedmutualinterests;thataddictionspeakstoyou.Withoutknowingit,you’reattractedtothem.

Heroinwasnoveltomethen,itwasanadventure,itwasaprivatehideawayinmyownbodyandmind.AfterI’dbeenthroughwithdrawalandgottencleanmorethanonce,theinescapablediscomfortneverdiscouragedme.ImayhaverealizedhowcripplingaddictionwaswheneverIgotclean,butafterIwascleanawhile,I’dreminisceabouthowmuchIlovedtogethigh.

ITHADBEENAWHILEANDIWASABOUTtodiscoveritallagain.Itwas1989:We’dtouredmostofAmerica,Canada,Europe,Japan,andAustralia.We’dwatchedouralbumsitaroundanddonothingforayearbeforebreakingtheTopTenand

havinganumberonesingle;we’dshotthreevideosthatbecamemainstaysonMTV,achannelthathelpedusout,butthatwedidn’tcarefor.WeperformedattheAmericanMusicAwards,playing“Patience”withDonHenleyondrums.We’dtouredwithourfriendsandheroes.Finallyandsuddenlywewerethebandthatwe’dalwaysknownwewere…justbetter.

WhenwelandedinL.A.attheendoftheAppetitetour,eachofus,onebyone,setofftorediscoverwhateverwe’dleftbehind:DuffwenthometohisgirlMandy(whomhemarriedin1988),Stevenheadedtohischick’splace(whoevershewasatthatpoint),DougtookofftoSanDiego,AlanreturnedtoRedondoBeach,AxlwenttoErin’s,andsoonenoughIzzyandIweresittingtherealoneatLAX,withourbrand-newHalliburtonluggageandnoparticularplacetogo.Eachofusbecameaboyinabubbleatthatpoint.WehadtakenhomeenoughmoneyfromtouringandnowmoneywasstartingtorollinoffthesalesofAppetite,sothattheneedtosurvivewasnolongeramotivation.Everyonewas,Isuppose,stoppingtosmelltheroses;I’mjustnotsurethatanyofusknewhow.

IzzymadeacallandwewentovertoafriendofSeymourCassel’swhowe’llcall“Bill.”We’dgottenatasteofsmackagaininAustralia,sothecravingwastherebythetimewegothome.Besides,aftertwoyearsoftouring,subconsciously,webothfeltthatwedeservedit.Anyway,Billhadatastefordrugsandalwayshadplentyofeveryvariety;hewasalsoverygenerous.

Whenyoustarttogetfamousatall,afewtypicalthingsstarthappening:inHollywood,ifyou’reoutatabar,everyonewantstobuyyouadrink,youcangetintoanyclub;whetheryoulikeitornot,youaresuddenlyafigureonthenightlifecircuit.Whenthatstartedhappeningtous,therewasnothinglessinterestingthatIcouldhaveimagineddoingwithmytime.ThatHollywoodscenewasthesameoldshit,andthemorerecognizableIwas,thelessIlikedit.Theamountof“dudes”whowantedto“partywithme”hadquadrupled,soIbecameentirelyinsular.EvenontherareoccasionwhenIwantedtogoout,IfoundthattheHollywoodscenewe’dknownwasdead:theCathousewascloseddownandtherewasnothingelseinL.A.thatIfoundinterestingatall.

Everyoneinthebandneededtimetodecompress;lookingback,itmakescompletesensetomethatIallowedmyselftoslipintothatseductiveheroincomfortzone.Itwastheoneaspectofsuccessandfamethatwasn’tvapidtome;therewasreallynothingelse.Ididn’twanttogotostripclubsorlookforhotchicksorotherwiseexercisemynewlyfoundstatus.AllIwantedtodowashangoutatBill’sanddodrugs.

outatBill’sanddodrugs.

TheonlystabilitythatI’denjoyedinmylifeupuntilthenwastheconstanttraveling,whichwasacontradictionnotlostonme.Iwastwenty-threeandIhadn’thadastablelifeorhomesinceIwasthirteen;homeformewaslivingwithgirlfriendsorbeingonabuswiththeband.Ilivedforplayingmyguitarandbeingontheroad,plainandsimple.

LikeIsaid,Billwasn’tarealdealer,hejustlikedtogethighcasually.Healwayssmokedheroinandhehadlotsofself-controlabouteverythinghedid.MeanwhileIwastheopposite:Ihadafiendish,obsessive/compulsiveattitudetowardheroinandwasalwayseagertogetarounditandgetmoreofit.ThatfirstnightoveratBill’sIdidn’thaveanygeartoshootitwith,soweallsmokedit.ButIcouldn’twaittogrababitandleavethenextdayinsearchofarig.Itturnedouttobethestartofalongandnightmarishobsessionwithherointhatlastedfrom1989through1991.

BILL’SPLACEWASONFRANKLINANDWesterninEastHollywoodwayoffthebeatentrack;heandhiswifeandtheirfriendswerereallycool.IzzyandIhungaroundthereonadailybasisandfitinjustfine.Billneverallowedshootingupatthisplace,soIwouldsmokealittlethere,pocketsomeforlater,andshootitupatmyleisurewhenIcutouttodomyerrandsorgotoappointments.

OneofthemwasaphotoshootwithIzzyforGuitarWorldwithGlenLaFerman.Wewerebothsohigh;we’dspentatleastaweekoveratBill’s.Irememberthatweshowedupwithourguitars,andthatwepassedoutonthefloor…notmuchelse.Itwasn’tonpurpose;I’mnotsurethatwereevenawarethatwe’ddoneit.IjustrememberthatafterwardwewentbacktoBill’s.

Fortherecord,thatshootcontainedthefamouspictureofmethatisintheRainbow,whereI’mlaidoutwithmyhatonthegroundandabottleofStoli,myguitar,andtherestofitatmyside.IfyouhavedecentvisionandyoutakealookatIzzyandmeinthoseframes,youwilleasilyseehowoutthereIwas.IwashighofftheentiresuccessoftouringandwewerebothinsearchofthekindofexcitementyouwillneverfindwalkingaroundHollywoodplayingrockstar.Iwasinsearchofsomeplacedark.

EventuallyBillgotarrestedandwassentencedtothirtyyearstolifeforbeingcaughtthreetimeswithillegaldrugsinlargeenoughquantitiesthattheyqualifiedfor“intenttosell.”IntheendBillservedelevenyearsandgotout.But

qualifiedfor“intenttosell.”IntheendBillservedelevenyearsandgotout.Butatonepointbeforehisarrest,hewasundersurveillancefromhisphonestohishome;everymovewasmonitored.Twoofthepeoplewhomaderegularappearances,ofcourse,wereIzzyandme,andBilltoldmelaterthatthecopswereparticularlycuriousaboutus.SupposedlytheywerewillingtobargainwithBillifhedroppedadimeonusbecausebythenwewerefamous,toadegree.ButBillwouldn’tdothat.Godblesshim.

EVENTUALLYIDECIDEDTHAT,INLIGHToftheband’ssuccess,Ishouldrentaplaceofmyown.MyapartmentonLarrabeewasthefirstthatI’deverhadtomyself,undermyownname,andIwasproudofthat.Itwasjustoneroom,afullyfurnished,perfectstudio,laidoutexactlylikeahotelroom—andthat’sexactlywhatIlikedaboutit.Unfortunately,likeeveryotherapartmentI’dlivedinbeforethen,Iwasprettyquicklyevicted.

Ikeptitupforawhile;well,RonnieStalnakerdid,actually—oneofhisjobswastokeepdrugsandtroubleawayfrommeandmefromthem.He’dregularlycomethroughandcleantheplaceup,probablyasawaytoseeifIwasbehaving.Ineverdid;itwasmuchtoofunofachallengetofigureouthowtosneakmydruggiefriendsintotheapartmentwithoutRonniefindingout.ItwasalwaysafeatbecauseRonnielivedrightnextdoor.

Itwasn’tgoingtoendwellwithRonnie—hegotabitobsessiveabouthisjobandwentabitSingleWhiteStalker—butatthispointhe’ddonenothingbutprovehimselftobeaveryloyalbodyguard,despiteallofmyeffortstofuckwithhim.Forexample,onenight,whilewewereontoursomewhere,IdecidedtoendtheeveningbythrowingmybottleofJackintotheTVsetinmyhotelroombeforeIpassedout.Itexploded,ofcourse,andRonniecamein.Wewereanumberofstoriesup,butRonniedecidedthatweweren’tgoingtopayforthatTV.Heclimbedoutofmywindow,acrosstheledgeofthebuilding,andintoanadjoiningroom,wherehestolethatTVandreplaceditwiththeoneIhadbroken.Thatisdedication.

AnothertimewhenwewereinDallas,DuffandIhadadjoiningroomsconnectedbyadoorandweinvitedovertoomanyfriendswithpilesofcoke.Ourpartylastedallthatnightandwellintothenextafternoon.Thingsgotoutofhand,ofcourse,andabigglasscoffeetablegotsmashed,andIwalkedalloveritbarefootandbledeverywhere.Atsomepointsomeonekickedthedividingdooroffthehingesandtippedthebedsoverandsmashedallofthelamps.Therewere

offthehingesandtippedthebedsoverandsmashedallofthelamps.ThereweretoomanyofusbehavingbadlyforRonnietodealwith,sohecameupwithaplantogetusoutofthehotelwithoutthemanagementnoticing.Hesomehowherdedusintoaserviceelevatorandsnuckusoutofaloadingdockandontothebus.Thehotelhadheardallofthenoiseandwasveryawareofthepartygoingon,butRonniehadkeptsecurityoutoftheresomehowforanhourorso.Wethoughtwe’dgottenaway,untilthecopspulledusoverafewmilesdowntheroadataconveniencestorewhere,ifmemoryserves,I’dactuallyjuststolenabunchofcandy.

Wewerelinedupagainstthesideofthebusandtakeninfortrashingthehotelrooms.ItwasexpensiveandIcansayinallhonestythatitwasthelasttimeI’veeverreallydestroyedahotelroom.Sure,I’vebeenthroughacoupleofTVsetsanddoneafewotherstupidthingssince,butthatwasthelasttimeIengagedintotalannihilationbecauseIgotthebillforthatone.

Ronniewasclearlydedicatedbutregardless,itwasn’teasykeepingmyfirstapartmentinshape.Thefirstblowcamewhenmyyoungerbrother,Albion,or“Ash,”stayedtherewhileIwasawayontour.Ashisagreatgraffitiartist,andwhenIreturned,Ifoundthathe’dcoveredeverywallwithanamazingmuralthatIhadnointerestinhavinginmyhome.IwassopissedoffbutIonlytoldhimthatwhathe’ddonewas“inconsiderate.”Hewasonlysixteenafterall.SincethenAshhasgoneontoformConart,oneofthemostcutting-edgeT-shirtcompaniesaround;thedesignsarebasedonhisart.

Ronniepaintedoverthemural,hecleanedup,hedideverythingelsetokeepusinthereastenants.Thatplacewasprettysimple:Ihadamicrowave,Ihadarefrigeratorfulloftheusualbachelor-padsuppliesandcondiments.Therewasn’tmuch,butevensoitallgotbeatenupprettyfast.Afterall,WestArkeencamebyallofthetimeandthetwoofusgottosmokingalotofcracktogether.We’dhitthepipeandlistentomusicandslowlyclimbthewalls.Inthosetweaked-outdaysIspentwithWest,Ifullyrealizedwhatagreatguyandanawesomefuckingmesshewas.Tocomplementhisinfluence,Ihadanothermusicianfriend,Jay,whoseplaceIwenttoalottogethighonsmack.Allthingsconsidered,slowly,despitemyfinancialresources,butsurelymylivingconditionsbecameasgrittyasthey’dbeenwhenIwaslivinginastorageunit.

IWENTTHROUGHANINTERESTINGsuccessionofgirlfriendsatthistime;justa

handfulthatI’dseeoveratmyplace,eachondifferentnights.AtsomepointduringthesemonthsmymanagerhadthebrilliantideaofhavingmepresentsomeawardtosomeoneorotherattheMTVVideoMusicAwards.Ican’tevenrememberwhowegaveitto,butmycopresenterwasTraciLords,thepornstar,andAlanthoughtthatitwouldbefunnyformetobeuptherewithher.Obviouslyhesawtheadvantageofthesensationalaspect,whichwasnotabadideaatall.

SoTraciandImetbackstageandwestartedtalkingandthenwestarteddatingimmediately.Shewasreallygood-lookingandabitofadichotomy—asIsoonfoundout.

Iwasinastrangeplace;Iwasmildlyfamous,Iwasinfamous,butIwasstillstuckinaraggedy,heathenmentalityintermsofmyqualityoflife.Atthattime,Icouldhavehad$15millioninthebank,butIwouldn’thavechangedmylifestyleatall;Ididn’thaveacar,Iwashappytohavemyone-roomapartmentthatlookedlikeagenerichotelroom,andneedednothingmore—thatwaswheremyheadwasat.Atthesametime,Iknewhowtobeagentleman,whichisentirelywhatTraciLordsexpectedonadate.Sosomehowwehititoff.

ButTracididn’twantanypartofbeingseeninpublicwithme;ifweeverwentanywherewhereanyonemightbepayingattention,she’dputmethroughthisstupidordealwhereI’dhavetocomeinafterherandmeetherinside,asifbyaccident.ObviouslyIwasrecognizable,soshealwaysinsistedthatwescootinsomebackalleyentrance.Personally,Idon’tthinkanyonewhoeversawusgaveashit;itjustmadegoingoutinpublicwithherahugepainintheass.CallmenaivebutIdidn’tgetit;Ihadnoideawhoshewashidingfrom.FromwhatIunderstoodshewantedtokeepalowprofilebecauseshedidn’twanttobeexposedasagroupieslutoroneofthepornochicksthatguyslikemedated.Iwasneveroneofthoseguyswhowasjudgmentalaboutthatstuffandneverunderstoodthosewhowere;infact,theonlyreasonIknewherwasthatI’dseenherinthismoviewhereshewasbentoverholdingheranklesandshelookedamazing.Itrulyappreciatedthat,soIfiguredeveryoneelseappreciatedthat,too.Ididn’tgetherwholecharadeatall.

Atthatpoint,Traciwasdonewithpornandwasworkingonhersingingcareeraswellastryingtocrossoverintoregularmovies.Thatwaswhyshedidn’twanttobeseenasapornoactressfuckingarockstar—shewantedtochangeallthat.ShehadtalkedmeintoplayingononeofhersongsandcomingtothestudiosomewhereinVancouverwhereshewasrecordingheralbum.AllI

tothestudiosomewhereinVancouverwhereshewasrecordingheralbum.AllIcansayisthatshewashookedupwiththeleasttalented,shadiest“musicproducers”I’veeverseenandItoldherso.Nonetheless,Ihelpedheroutonafewtracks,butnothingwasgoingtokeepthatwholealbumfrombeingajoke.

Everythingweeverdidtogetherwasveryoverlyformalandveryproper;italwaysseemedtomethatshewaslivinguptosomeideaofherselfthatwasn’tanywhereclosetowhoshereallywas.Honestly,allthatIwantedtodowasgetintoherpants.

Ofcourse,onceIstarteddatingher,WestbroughtoveracopyofNewWaveHookerssowecouldcheckitout.Itwasveryentertainingbutsomewhatofateasebecauseafteramonthofdatingwestillhadn’tslepttogether.Our“relationship”wasstartingtobecomemoreofabotherthanitwasworth.

TracihadcalledmeearlyoneweektomakeplansandthatsamedayWestcamebywithahugepileofcrack.Westayedupforthenexttwodays,andbythetimeTracishoweduptogooutwithme,WestandIwerecrawlingaroundonthecarpetlookingforrocks.IknewshewascomingbutIcouldn’thelpit:wewereamess,theonlypersonthatwouldhavebeenokaywithitwouldhavebeenacrackwhore.Myplacewasafuckingpigstyoneverylevelanditdidn’thelpthatWestwastherelikesomeresidentpygmy:hewasonlyaboutfivefourandhadstringyblondhairthatwasreallygreasyaftertwodaysofsmokingcrack.Westalwayshadthispermanentgrinonhisfacethatbecamemoreandmoredisturbingthemorewastedhewas.ThisparticularafternoonhewassowastedthatheopenlyleeredatTraci.Hewassohigh,thathethoughtnothingofgoingovertomybookshelves,retrievingNewWaveHookers,pointingtothecover,saying“That’syou,isn’tit!You’reTraciLords!”Hekeptgrinningather.

NowTraciwasthekindofgirlwhowasafteramanwhowasgoingtoprovideherwiththethingsshewantedinlife:niceclothes,nicecars,anicelife.AndwhileIcouldhavedonethat,Iwasnowherenearmatureenoughtorealizethatthatiswhatmostgirlsareafter—especiallygirlslikeher.Ididn’tseeitthatwayatallbackthen,becausethewayI’dbeenliving,Ihadbarelypaidattentiontothefinerthings.Butthereshewasinthemiddleoftheafternoon,inacompletelydarkapartmentthatsmelledlikeburningtiresafterourforty-eight-hourcrackparty.AndtherewasWest,short,shiny,anddrooling.AndthereIwas,too.

Tracitookalongslowlookaround.“I’llberightback,”shesaidinherpoutylittlevoice.“Iforgotsomethinginmycar.”

poutylittlevoice.“Iforgotsomethinginmycar.”

“Yeah,cool,”Isaid.“Thenwe’lltakeoff.”Iwashigh,andnotparticularlyawareoftimepassing,butIsoonrealizedthatshe’dbeengonefartoolongtoeverbecomingback.

Iwasthisloneguitarplayerwithasnake,justdoingmything,shootingmyscene.

MYNEXTHOMEWASAHOUSEIZZYANDIrentedupintheHollywoodHills,andthatlastedforaboutamonth.Itwaspartiallyfurnishedwithallthebasicsthatonemightneed—beds,amicrowave,allofit.WehadfunwhilewewerethereandIalsomanagedtowritealot;Iwrote“Coma,”andthetwoofuswrote“Locomotive”inthathouse;therewassomecreativitygoingon.

AdamDayshackedupwithusaswell.Heistheguitartechthathasbeenwithmefornineteenyears.Adammovedinand,asmuchasourprofessionalrelationshiphasthrivedsince,thatwasthelasttimeheevertriedtoliveincloseproximitytome.

AroundthenweshotthevideosfortheLiesalbum,whichwastoppingthecharts,alongwithAppetite.Weshotthe“Patience”videointwoplaces;onewastheRecordPlant,wherewehadactuallyrecordedthesongs;thatiswhereweshotthefootageofusplayinglive.Therestofit—thevariousbandmemberscenes—weredoneattheAmbassadorHotel,whereBobbyKennedywasshot.Atthetimeitwasclosedtothepublicbutopenformovieandvideoshoots.

IhadtwosnakesthathadbeengiventomewhenIhadmyapartmentonLarrabee:onewasasix-footred-tailedboaconstrictornamedPandorathatwasagiftfromLisaFlynt,Larry’sdaughter.Theotherwasanine-footfemaleBurmesepythonnamedAdrianna.Bothofthemlivedinmybedroomclosetandbothwereinthevideo.IhadjustmovedthemtothenewhouseandIrememberthatthedayofthevideoIsentAdamtogetthemandhecamebackcompletelyfreakedout—andwithoutthesnakes.

“Um,yeah,well,Itriedtogetthem,”hesaidnervously.“Buttheyareoutofthecage,loose,andonyourbed.”SoIhadtogobacktothehousetofetchthem—nooneelsewould.

Irememberthatdayprettywell;Iwasjuststartingtobecomeoneofthose

junkiemusiciansthatassumesthatwhatthey’redoingissocommonplaceandacceptedthattheyalmostdoitoutintheopen.Ishowedupatthatshoot,breezedbyallofthelightingandcameraguyswho’dbeenhuddledaroundalldaypreparingforthisscene,andlockedmyselfinthebathroom.IwasnowthatguitarplayerwhosereputationprecededhimandIliveduptoit:Istayedinthereforeightminutes,thencameoutloadedandlayinbedwithmyboaaroundme.Ididn’tdomuchastheyshotwhattheyneeded.Idon’tthinkIsaidawordtoanyone.Itmusthavebeensurreal;itwasn’tthesixtiesanymore;itwasactuallytheendoftheeighties.Inthesixtiesmusicianstraveledwiththeirentourageanddidshitlikethat.Iwasthisloneguitarplayerwithasnake,justdoingmything,shootingmyscene.

AFTERRENTINGFORAWHILE,IDIDwhatanyonewithnewmoneyshoulddo:Iboughtahouselikemybusinessmanagertoldmetodo.Istillhadnoclueastomyfutureorhowtohandlefinances;Ihadnomaterialaspirationsatall.Ididn’tspendmuchonanythingatthatpoint;moneywasstillanabstractconcepttome.Possessionshadnevermatteredtome,thoughsuddenlyeveryonearoundmebegantobeveryconcernedwiththem.

IfoundahouseoffLaurelCanyon,whichwastheareaofL.A.thatsetmymindatease:itremindedmeofthebestmemoriesIhaveofmyyouth.IboughtmyfirsthouseonWalnutDrive,justoffKirkwood,whichisjustoffLaurelCanyon,anditwasforeverknownastheWalnutHouse.Incidentally,WalnutDrivewasjustoffthestreetwhereStevenfuckedthethirty-year-oldatAlexis’spartysomanyyearsbefore.

TheWalnutHousewasatwo-bedroom,funkylittletucked-awaypadinneedofinteriordesign,soitseemednaturaltometohiretheteamthathadstyledthe“Patience”videototransformmynewhouseintoasimilarlygypsylikeenvironment.Theyfoundallofthefurnitureatthriftstoresandantiquefurnitureshops,andwhiletheygotitalltogether,Imovedinwithourinternationalpublicist,Arlette.ShehadbeenhiredonbackwhenweplayedthosefirstthreeEnglishdatesattheMarquee.She’dtakenamaternalshinetome,probablybecauseIwassuchastraypuppyatthetime.SheletmebringmysnakeClydeover,who’dbeenlivingwithDelJamesforawhile,aswellasPandoraandAdrianna.ActuallyImovedabunchofothersnakesinthere,too,intothelivingroomofhertwo-bedroomapartmentoffCynthiaandSanVincenteinWest

Hollywood,whereArlettestilllives.Shewasincrediblygeneroustoletmebringallofmypetsthere;unfortunately,shealsohadtodealwithmyrampantheroinhabit:everysinglenightoneshadycharacteroranothercamearoundbackandknockedonmywindow…herwindow,technically.Iknewshewasn’tahugefanofmyreptiles,butshewaslessafanofmestayingupallnight,shootingdope,andhavingundesireablesstopbyintheweehoursofthemorning.

Afunnythinghappenedwiththesnakes,though.Arlettewasscaredofthematfirstbutshebecame,withnoencouragementfromme,atruesnakefreak.IeventuallygaveherababyBurmesepythonthatgrewtofifteenfeetlong.Theybecamegreatfriends:shetookhimswimmingwithher,she’dtakebathswithhim,andshetalkedtohimlikehewasadog.Shewasconvincedthatthesnakewashumanandunderstoodeverythingshesaid,andImustsaythatheactedlikeit.

ArlettewasveryconcernedformywelfarewhenIlivedwithherandshepointedouttheobvious:Ihadtransformedmyselffromahappy-go-luckyalcoholicintoafiendishmonsterjunkiewhoborenoresemblancetotheguyshe’dknownallthoseyears.Iknewshewasright;IknewIdidn’tlookallthathealthyandIdidn’tfeelallthathealthy.IstayedwithherforthreeorfourmonthsbutIdidlittletochange.

Instead,Ioccupiedmyselfwiththeredesignofmyhouse.ItwasturnedintothegypsyopiumdenIwanted:theyrefinishedallofthemoldingandwood,andpaintedeveryroomindarkcolors.Thekitchenwasadeepforestgreen;myfavoritedrugbathroomwasentirelyblack.Anotherroomwaspaintedmidnightblueandthelivingroomwasdeeppurple.Therewasasepiatonetoanotherroom,asifitwereoutofanoldWesternmovie.Ialsoboughtmyselfmyfirstcartogowithmyfirsthouse:itwasaHondaCRX,andlikeeverycarI’veeverhad,itwasblackinsideandout.

Iwasprettyoutofcontrolatthetime.Iremembershowinguptomeetthecontractortotalkaboutredoingmybathroomandthinkingthatbreakingoutafewlineswouldbeagoodwaytobreaktheice.

HeandIstoodinthebathroomashewalkedmethroughtheworkthatneededtobedone.

“Yeah,yeah,cool,man,”Isaid.Islappeddownthetoilet-seatcoverandcutoutfourthicklinesofcoke.“Youwantone?”

outfourthicklinesofcoke.“Youwantone?”

Helookedprettyuneasy.“No,nothanks.I’monthejob,”hesaid.

“Okay,right,that’scool,”Isaid.“I’lldoyours,then.”

“It’snotjustthat,it’salsoeighto’clockinthemorning,”hesaidsmilingapologetically.

AtthatmomentIwaseverysinglenightmareclichéofwhatthatguyhadeverheardaboutrockstars,rolledintoone:evenmoresobecausehehadbeenhiredtoturnmyextrabathroomanditshugecornerJacuzziintoamassivesnaketerrariumthattookupaquarteroftheroom.Hewasgoingtobuildglasswallsfromthefloortotheskylighttoenclosethetub,whichwaselevated,plusaddasetofPlexiglasstairssothatyoucouldseemypetswherevertheymightbe.Icouldn’twaittofillitwithtreesandalltheothershitthatsnakeslike.IntheWalnutHouseIkeptaboutninetysnakesandreptiles:Ihadlizards,caimans,allkindsofanimals.

WhentheworkwasdoneandIfinallymovedintotheWalnutHouse,Icommemorateditbygettingreallyhigh.IhadthisgreatroundOrientalwoodentablewithintricatecarvingsandaglasstopintheden.Itwastobethecenterpieceforallkindsofcuttingovertheyears,butthatfirstnight,IzzyandIsattherewithonelightbulbon,onthisdarkredvelvetcouch.Needlesstosay,Ididn’tcleanuprightaway.

NotlongafterImovedinthere,Isawmyex-girlfriendSallyagain.Mybedinthathousewasaloft,onthesecondfloor,inaroomthatwasprettypitch-blackasidefromthelightcastbyalampnexttothepillow.IhadtheseboxesaroundtheendofthebedthatwerefullofmagazinesandhadremotecontrolsmountedontheinsideofthemfortheTVthatrosefromacabinetatthefootofthebed.Thatbedsidelampwasanantiquewithasalmon-coloredglasslampshadethatthrewoffthesoftestlight;Ilovedit.Anyway,Irememberthatnightverywell.I’dgonetosleepearlierthanusualandsuddenlywokeupwithastrangepremonition.Iturnedonthelamptogetmybearingsandthereshewas.Sallywastoweringovertheendofthebed;justthissilhouetteontheceilingandwall—atfirstIdidn’tknowwhoitwas.Itwasprettyscary.AtthatpointinmylifeIhadguns,butIdidn’thavethemwithmeandI’mglad;ifIdid,it’spossiblethatIcouldhaveshother,she’dscaredmeso.

Gettinginsidewasn’teasy;she’dhadtojumpafence,walkdownasteepsetofstairs,andshe’dbeenluckyenoughtofindmyextrakeyunderthedoormat—which,ofcourse,wasforeverremovedfromthereafterward.Shewasnotinagoodway,soIlethersleepoverthatnight,andinthemorningIdroveherdownLaurelCanyonanddroppedheratthecornerofSunset.Itwasn’tthelasttimeIsawher,butitwasthelasttimesheevergotinsidemyhouselikethat.FromwhatIheard,shehungaroundL.A.,andgotintotrouble.TheverylasttimeIsawherwasinNewYork,whereshewashangingaroundwithMichaelAligandthenotoriousLimelightcrowd;afterthatIheardshewentbacktoEngland.Andismuchhappiernow.

It’stoughtobethekindofpersonwhohangsaroundtheedgierfringesofsocietyifyou’renotamusicianorsomeonewhohasapurposebeingthere.Everyoneelseisadisposableplayeroutthereinthevoidonthescene.Mostofthegirlswhodatedusbackthenweretheseinnocentchickswhoseliveswerechangedforeverafteroneofuscameintoitforhoweverlongitlasted.Wewerelikeavacuumbackthenthatsuckedpeopleupandspitthemout;atonofpeoplearoundusfellbythewaysidethatway.Somepeopledied,notbecauseofanythingwedidtothem,butasasideeffectofbeingtooclosetotheflame.Peoplewouldgetattractedtoourfucked-upweirdlifeandjustgetitwronganddrowninourriptide.

STEVENANDDUFFPURCHASEDHOMESclosetomynewplace,justoverMulhollandDrive,ontheValleysideofLaurelCanyon.Theywereonoppositeendsofthesamestreet.AsImentioned,Stevenwasbuildinghisversionofdomesticitywithsomechick,andDuffandhisfuturewife,Mandy,weresettlingintotheirhomelifetogether.Duffwasalwaysverygoodatmaintainingahousehold;heneverfellintothetransientkindoflifestylethatIdid.Imighthavelivedlessthantwomilesfromthoseguys,butIdidn’tseethemtoooften;ifthey’dbeendrugdealers,I’msurethatIwouldhave.

Allthingsconsidered,IrealizedthatIhadtocleanupabitbeforewe’dbeabletogetrehearsingagain.Duffdidn’twanttowritewithmewhenIwashighandIcouldn’tblamehimforthat.WhentherewasabitofadrugdroughtinL.A.,anditbecameahugepainintheass,mysubconscioustriggerofneedingtoplaysupersededmydrugcraving.IjustlockedmyselfupinmyhouseandwiththehelpofDr.StoliandhisassistantsIgotthroughmywithdrawal.

OnceIgotoffthesmack,DuffandIgotreacquaintedandwescheduled

OnceIgotoffthesmack,DuffandIgotreacquaintedandwescheduledrehearsals.AtthatpointwedidsowithoutanyconfirmationfromAxl.

TheonlymessagesIgotfromhimcameofficiallythroughmanagementviaDougGoldstein,whospokewithAxlonaregularbasis.

Itdidn’tmatterthatweweren’tallthere;StevenandDuffandIstartedjammingatMates,ourgo-tospot.Izzywasn’tquiteuptojoiningus:he’dspentabittoomuchtimearoundBill’shouseandwasonapathasdarkasmine.Hecametorehearsaleverysooften,butweneverwaitedforhim.Atleastweweretryingtobeproductive;IhavenoideawhatAxlwasuptoatthetimebecausewedidn’tspeak,probablybecauseafewofuswerechemicallyoutofcontrol.

Drinkingexcessivelybecamethethingagainforme.Iwoulddrivehomefromrehearsaltotallyplastered,passingpeopleonthewrongsidewhilegoingupLaurelCanyon.I’dbedoingninetymilesanhourinmylittleHondaCRX;IwouldhavediedeasilyifI’dhitanything.I’mthankfulthatIdidn’thurtanybody,getarrested,ordie—someoneiswatchingoutforme,givenhowoftenI’vecomeclosetodeathandmadeitbackalive.

OneparticularlyoutstandingnightIturnedoffLaurelCanyonontoKirkwood,thestreetthatledtomystreet,WalnutDrive.TherewasaguystoppedatthecornerofWalnutwhowaspreparingtomakealeftontoKirkwood.Hewaswaytoofarover,inmylane;andinmymindhewasinmyway.Ratherthanstoporslowdown,Ijustplowedintohiscar—onpurpose.

Itriedtobackupandtakeoff,butourcarswerestucktogether;I’dsmashedhimonthedriver’ssidebytherearwheelandmycar’sfrontendwasattachedtohiscar.AtthatpointitdawnedonmethatIprobablyshouldn’thavedonethat.

Isattheretryingtobackupandsplit;Ipulledmybumpertopiecesbecauseitwasseverelymashedintothisguy’scar.AsIwasdoingso,hegotoutandwalkeduptomywindow.

“So?”Iasked,andstaredathimforaminute,squinting.

Theguyreekedofbooze;hewascompletelywastedandnowtotallyconfusedbyme.

“You’refuckingdrunk,”hesaid,hisspeechalittleslurry.

“No,I’mnot,”Isaid.“You’refuckingdrunk.”

IlitupacigaretteasheandIslowlycametotherealizationthatbothofuswereprettyfuckeduptothedegreethatpoliceinvolvementwasabadidea.

“Doyouhaveinsurance?”theguyasked.“Idon’t.”

“Listen…Ican’taffordtogetintroublewiththelaw,”Isaid.

“Let’spretendthisdidn’thappen,”hesaid.

“Finebyme.”

Wemanagedtopryourcarsapart;thatguyboltedandIdroveupmylittlehillasfastasIcould.Iputthecarinthegarageandsatthereforamoment.Myheartpoundedastherealityofwhatcouldhavehappenedsunkin.Ihadamuch-neededmomentofclarity:therepercussionsofthatmisadventurewouldhavehaltedeverythingforme.

Itdidn’ttakeaclairvoyanttoseethatifwewouldeverbeabandagain,IzzyandDuff,StevenandI,wouldneedtowritesomemusicandgetAxlinterestedandbackinthemix.Wehadafewsongsgoingbutwehadtokeepupthepaceandstayfocused.Wewerealreadyalmostthere:itwasbecomingexcitingagain;theoriginalhungerwasreturningandthefirewasalive.WewantedtomakeGunsmusicourtoppriority.

Wekeptrehearsing,andoncewe’dgottenafewsongsalltogether,wewentovertoIzzy’splaceonValleyVistaandSepulvedaintheValleytodosomewritingandseewherehisheadwas.Itdidn’ttakemelongtofigureitout:IwasinthebathroomovertheretakingaleakwhenInoticedthetwo-inch-thicklayerofdustinhisshowerandbathtub.Thatthinghadn’tbeenusedforweeks—Izzywasthatfargone.EvenAxlshowedupthatday,andregardlesswestartedworkingonasongthatbecame“PrettyTiedUp.”IrememberthatIzzyhadtakenacymbalandabroomstickandsomestringsandhadmadeasitaroutofit.Needlesstosay…Izzywasprettyfuckinghigh.

Wedidn’thavetoconfronthimatall;hehadaseriousscareonenightthatsethimstraight.Whateveritwas,Izzygottooshookuptoeventalkaboutit.Hejustcalledhisdad,whocameoutfromIndiana,andtookhimbackhome,andthat’showandwhereIzzygotclean.He’sbeencleaneversince.

Therestofuscontinuedtowork,andoncewehadsomematerialandwerecommunicatingwithAxlagain,heletusknowthatheandIzzywantedtowritethenextalbuminIndiana.Icouldn’timaginewhy;bothofthemhadleftIndianaassoonastheycouldtocometoL.A.andtheyneverseemedtoofondoftheideaofgoingback.Inanycase,oursituationwassounpredictablethatIwasn’tgoingtomovetoawheatfieldwithnoguaranteethatwe’devengetanythingdone.TheirwholeintentionwastogetawayfromthedistractionsofL.A.andIrespectedthat;Axlwantedustogosomewherewherewecouldhaveourprivacytofocusonwriting.Iwantedtodothesame,butatleastbeinamajormetropolitanarea,sointheendweagreedonChicago.ItwascloseenoughtoIndianathatIzzycouldjoinuswhenhefeltready,orgobackthereeasilyifhefeltlikehissobrietywasthreatened.

DougGoldsteinandIwenttoChicagotoscopeoutwherewewouldliveandrehearse.WechosetheCabaretMetro,thefamousrockclubonthenorthsideofthecity:it’saconcertspacethathousesaseparateclubcalledtheSmartBarinthebasement,andalsohasatheaterupstairs.Itwasperfect;wetookoverthetheaterandwhenweweredonefortheday,thecoolestbarinthecitywaswaitingforusdownstairs.Werentedoutatwo-unit,brownbrickapartmentbuildingafewmilesdowntheroadonClarkStreet,rightbytheelevatedtrain,tolivein.

Weallmovedoutthere,withourtechs,AdamDayandTomMayhew;ourproductionmanager;andournewsecurityguard,Earl.Duff,Steven,andthecrewguysmovedindownstairs,andAxl,Izzy,Earl,andIlivedupstairs.ThatwasfinebymebecauseIhadtheplacetomyselfforthemostpart—ittookAxlmorethanamonthtojoinus,andIzzywasthereforlessthananhour.IttakesAxlanindeterminateamountoftimetodecidewhatheisgoingtodofromtheinceptionofanideatothepointofcarryingitout,whichalwayskeepsthingsinteresting.Allinallwhatweweredoingwasn’tbusinessasusualforus,butitwasastart.

Forawhile,itdidn’tmattertomethatwe’djustrelocatedtheentirebandinordertosatisfytheonlytwoguyswhoweren’ttherebecausebythenDuffandIweresuchenthusiasticallysocialboozersthatthemilesofbarsalongNorthClarkStreetwereanewplaygroundforus—allwithinwalkingdistance.Mypersonalconsumptionatthatpointwasahalf-gallonbottleofStoliperday,pluswhateverIconsumedwhenIwasoutatnight.I’dwakeupinthemorningandfillaSolocup85percentfullwithvodka,ice,andabitofcranberryjuice.Icalleditbreakfastofchampions.Duffwasinthesameleague,thoughIbelieve

calleditbreakfastofchampions.Duffwasinthesameleague,thoughIbelievethathemadeafreshdrink,packedwithice,beforehewenttobedandleftitnexttohispillow;thatwaytheicewouldkeepitcoldenoughwhilehesleptthatitwouldstillbeniceandfreshfirstthinginthemorning.

I’dsitonthefloorsippingmybreakfastandwatchingTVeachdayuntiltherestoftheguyswerereadytogorehearse.We’djamattheMetroformostoftheafternoon,sometimeintotheevening,andthenspendtherestofthenightinandoutofbars.Weweremoreorlesshangingoutandwritingriffshereandbitsofsongsthere.Whenwewereworkingwewerefocused,butwecouldnevercompleteanyofourideaswithoutalloftheplayersinattendance.

I’velearnedthatitisessentialforeverybodytobepresentatalltimes—ourproducerBrendanO’BrieninsistedonitduringthewritingofVelvetRevolver’slastalbum,Libertad.EveryoneinGunswasfocusedatthispoint—evenAxl—butwedidn’thaveverygoodgroupskillsandhadnoideaatallhowtogovernourworksituation.Thedesirewasthere,butweneededregulation.Ifoneofusdidn’tshowup,we’dworkanyway,whichwasoneofmanythingsthatheldusbackfromgettingittogetherproperly.Foronething,DuffandIwereintentondrinkingallthetimeandconsideredthatnormalbecauseitneverinterferedwithwork,butweweresoferociousaboutitoutsideofrehearsalthatitwasoff-puttingtoIzzy.Hecouldn’tbearoundthatkindofbehaviorthenandhe’slikethattothisday.Weweren’tawareofitatthetime,andevenifwewere,wemightnothavecared—allweknewwasthathewasn’tshowinguptoworkandwecouldn’tacceptthat.I’msureAxlhadhisreasonfordoingthingshisway,too.Butwedidn’thaveagoodlineofcommunicationamongusaboutanyoftheseissues,sotheendresultwasseriousmisunderstanding.Sincethesepointsofinterestweresimplyneverdiscussed,sincetherewasneveraconversationabouthowtoadjustourgameplantotakeeveryone’sneedsintoaccount,wekeptdoingthingsthewaywehadinthepast,whichconsideringthatwe’dallchangedcausedusseriousinternaltension.

Insteadofcomingupwithanewmethodtoaccountforourissues,alloftheproblemsjustsnowballed.Thiswaswhenagoodmanagermighthaveturnedthesituationaround,butwedidn’thaveone.Throughoutthisprocess,Dougandourmanagementwereuseless;theydidn’tseemtowanttotakethetimetodeal.Alanwasstillincharge,andDougwasourday-to-dayman,andhewasn’tdoinganythingbutenablingus.Theirattitudewasthatweweresupposedtoknowhowtodothisshitourselves.Andwedid;weaccomplishedcreativelylefttoourowndevices…butonlywhenwewerelivingtogetherasone,livingfivesimilarlives.

Nowthatwe’dbecomeabandwhohadtosetupshop,andwewerecomingfromdifferentperspectives,thatdynamicwasgone.Thereisnoonetoblame;wedidthebestwecould.

We’dhadtogetgoingwithoutAxlthere,andwefoundhisabsencedisrespectful,andthatdisrespectbuiltupintosuchgreatanimositythatwhenhedidfinallyshowup,therestofuswereprettyresentful.Wewereanout-of-controlbandwithsomesomesemblanceofintegritywhohadlosttheirabilitytoproperlychannelitall:forthelifeofus,wejustcouldnotgetonthesamepage.Wealsomadenoefforttopursuetheadultwayofhandlingthings.Iwouldn’tcallitinnocenceornaïvetélookingback,butweallplayedahandinmixingthepot.Noneofusstoodbackandtookamomenttoaskoneanotherorourselves,“Howdowedothis?Howcanwegeteveryonetogetherandworkingandsatisfied?”Weneededtobeclearheadedaboutit;ifonethingdidn’twork,we’dneedtokeeptrying.Butwedidn’tdothat.Outsideofthefactthatourmanagementdidn’tcaretotakethelead,thebiggestcatalysttothedemiseofthebandwasthelackofcommunicationamongthemembers.

Admittedly,Iwaspigheaded;Ididn’twanttoalwaysfeellikeIwasbendingoverbackward.Ithoughtofusasequals,andIwasmakingaconscientiousefforttogetthingsgoing,butIdidn’thavethewherewithaltounderstandwhatAxlwasexpecting,orthepatiencetositdownandtalkitoutwithhim.Aswithanyrelationship,whensomeonelandsonyourbadside,itgetshardtobeempathetic.Myguardbythenwaswayup.Withallofthatgoingon,itwasmucheasiertojustenjoythesummertimeinChicagobecausethebarsweremightyinviting.

Inourplentifulfreetime,DuffandIalsodidourpersonalbesttostayinshape.IhadoneofmyBMXbikesoutthereandIusedtorideitbetweentheapartmentandtherehearsalspace,bunny-hoppingovereverythinginsight,ridingonthesidewalk.Itwasagoodworkout.SomedaysDuffandIevenwenttothegym,usuallyjustafterourmorningvodkas.We’dgodowntooneofthosebigpublicYMCAswithoursecurityguard,Earl,topumpiron.We’dbedownthereinourjeans,doingsetsbetweencigarettebreaks—itwasinvigorating.We’dusuallycooldownafterwardwithcocktailsatasportsbar.Itdidn’tmatterhowbigwewerebackhomeorhowmanyrecordswe’dsoldortheshowswe’dplayed;inChicago,wewerenobodys.WewerejustacoupleofregularJoestoourfellowbarpatrons;andthereisnotabiggerhavenforregularJoesinAmericathanthesportsbarsofNorthClarkStreet.

EverynightwehungoutatSmartBar,whichwasverycool,butamuchdifferentrockscenethanL.A.Itwas1990,andthatplacewasallabouttechnoandindustrialmusiclikeMinistryandNineInchNails.Wedidn’treallygelwithpeoplethere,becausewewereclearlyofadifferentvariety,butwemadeacircleoffriendsanyway.Wehaddozensofchicks;itwasalikeashootinggalleryinthatplace,buteventuallyIsettledonone.HernamewasMegan;shewasnineteen.Meganlivedwithhermomandyoungerbrotherinanearbysuburbandshewasreallyexotic-looking,aheavy-chested,bubbly,sweetgirl.

Ibegantosettleintoacozylittlerelationshipwithher,andwasgettingusedtotheroutineofjamminghoweverlongbydayandhangingoutwithherallnight.AndthatiswhenAxlshowedup,whichchangedthedynamicimmediately.Despitetheresentment,weweresogladtoseehimthatnoonewantedtoaggravatethesituationbyconfrontinghimabouthislateness.Westartedtoworkwithhimonthedaysthatheactuallycametorehearsal,butwewereneverquitesurewhichdaysthosewouldbe.Ifwe’ddecidethatwe’dallstartjammingatfourp.m.orsixp.m.,hemightshowupateightornine,ornotatall.Whenhedidcomedown,Axlgenerallytinkeredaroundonthepianoorsatandlistenedtosomeoftheideaswe’dworkedout.Allthingsconsidered,wemanagedtoproduceafewgoodtunes:“Estranged,”“BadApples,”and“GardenofEden.”

Overall,IfoundourtimeinChicagotobeahugewaste,whichwillalwaysbeapointofcontentionbetweenAxlandI.HeseemedtothinkthatwewerereallygettingsomewhereandthatIwastheonewhoruineditall.Imighthavefeltdifferentlyifhe’dbeentherethewholetime,butafteralmosteightweeks—sixofthemwithouthim—Ifeltwedidn’thaveenoughmaterialtoshowforit,andIwasfrustratedandunwillingtowaitaroundtoseeifwe’dgetitgoingconsistently.Thevibeamonguswasjusttoodarkandnotconducivetorealcreativity.WewerealsobeingsofrivolouswithourmoneythatIcouldn’tignoreit:wehadmovedourentireoperationtotheMidwestandcomeupwithnothingbutafewcompletesongsandahandfulofrudimentaryideas,manyofwhichwe’dbroughtouttherewithus.

IdidtrytostaythecourseonceAxlgottotown,buttwoincidentsputanendtomytimeintheWindyCity.ThefirstwasthenightwecamehomeafterdrinkingtofindafeastofItalianfoodonthesidewalkinfrontofourapartment.Igotabird’s-eyeviewofthemessbecause,asIrecall,Ihadinsistedonspendingtheentirenightlyingontheroofofthecarwheneverwedrovefrom

bartobar.OurfavoriteItalianplacewasrightonthecornerandapparentlyAxlhadunloadedtheband’sentiredinneronafewpeoplewhohadfoundoutthatwewerelivingthereandwerehecklinghimfromthestreet.(Bytheway,thiswasnottheinspirationforthetitleofTheSpaghettiIncident;thatcamefromoneofthecomplaintsagainsttherestofusthatStevenlistedinhislawsuit—whichwe’llgetto—afterhewasfired.I’mnotevensurewhatheclaimed…somethinghavingtodowithAxlthrowingspaghettiathim,Ibelieve.Iguessthatwasathemeinthoseyears.)

Anyway,afterAxlchuckedourdinneratthehecklers,heproceededtotrashtheentirekitchenandbreakeveryglassitemintheapartment.And,aswe’dfindoutafewdayslater,sometimeduringhistantrum,Izzyarrived,havingdriveninfromIndiana.Hetookonelookatwhatwasgoingonfromdownonthestreetandturnedhiscararoundandleftimmediatelywithoutevenenteringthebuilding.

IsupposethattherestofusshouldhavenoticedthatAxlwasunhappyandactingoutafterthatfirstincident,butbythenwe’dgottentothepointwherewejustlethimdohisthingandtuneditout.Whoknows,maybeifwelistenedtowhathewantedtodoandjustcompliedabitmorehewouldn’thavefreakedoutsohard.Still,whocouldfathomwhathewasunhappyabout?Heshowedupwiththisverysort-of-bitterattitudethatseemedtobecomingfromaverydepressingplace.But,tobehonest,IwasmoreworriedaboutSteventhanAxlbythen:hewasahugeproblem;hewasdoingtonsofblowandhisperformancehadbecomeirregular.Ididn’tcatchonatfirst;hekepthiscokehiddenintherefrigeratorinthedownstairsapartmentwherehelived.

Wewouldbehangingoutandsharingabitofblow,butIcouldn’tfigureouthowStevewasalwaysthatmuchmorewasted.He’djustgetthistwinkleinhiseyeandsay,“Heyman…buttertray,”andpointatthefridge.

“Yeah,okay,Steve.Sure,”I’dsay.I’dgototherefrigerator,fixmyselfadrink,andcomebackwithnothingremarkabletoreport.Ididn’tthinkheactuallywantedmetolookinthebuttertray.HewasthatfuckedupthatIdidn’ttakeitseriously.

“Didyousee?”he’dask,grinningwildly.He’djustkeeppointingattherefrigeratorandsaying,“Buttertray.”

“Yeah,man,Isawit,”I’dsay.“That’sagreatrefrigeratoryou’vegotthere.

“Yeah,man,Isawit,”I’dsay.“That’sagreatrefrigeratoryou’vegotthere.Reallynicebuttertray,man.”

“Buttertray.”

“So,Steven…whatareyoutryingtosay?”

TomMayhewdiscoverediteventually:Stevenhadasteepsupplyofcokepiledupinthatbuttertrayofhis.

Atthispoint,Ireallyhadnochoicebuttoseethatwewereallunraveling.NomatterhowincontrolIfeltIwasorthoughteveryoneelsewas,IrealizedthatStevenwasgrowingirretrievable.AssoonasthebandendeditsstayinChicago,StevenandIhadlessandlessinteraction;hewascompletelyisolatedoncewegotbacktoL.A.Weweretightasabandgangwise,butduringourtwoyearsontour,SteveandIdevelopedadistancebetweenusasindividualsthatgrewnothingbutworse.

Oneofthefewthingswehadincommonasabandatthetime,inChicagothough,wasasharedinterestinFaithNoMore’salbumTheRealThing.Itwasthebackgroundmusicforthatentiretrip.Itwouldbeplayingallthetimeonthedifferentstereosinourapartments.

Thereisthebackground;intheendthisiswhyIleft.Thelaststrawinvolvedsomegirlsthatwerebroughtbacktoourplaceonenight.MygirlfriendMeganhadgoneoutandIwasathomeinbed.Lateatnight,Iheardsomecommotion;thesoundofafewpeoplefilinginandheadingpastmybedroomdowntoAxl’sroom.Untilthen,Axlhadspentmostofhistimeintherealone,constantlyonthephone.Thisnightwasclearlyanoccasion.

Myroomwasatthefrontoftheapartment,separatedfromAxl’sbyourlivingroomandalongrailroad-stylehallway.SoIwentdowntheretoseewhatwasgoingon;IfoundoursecurityguardEarl,TomMayhew,Steve,andAxlhangingoutwithtwohappy-go-luckyMidwesterngirlsthatthey’dbroughtback.

Weallhungout,andasitgotlater,itwassuggestedthatthegirlshavesexwithallofus.Theywerewillingtobloweveryoneintheroom,whichseemedreasonabletome,buttheydidn’twanttofuckus.Forwhateverreason,thatreallypissedAxloff.Thegirlshadaveryintelligentrationalefortheirpointofview,butAxlbeggedtodiffer.Thisdebatecontinuedforamoment,anditwasprettyrelaxed,butsuddenlyAxlexploded.Hethrewthemoutwithsuchrageitwasshocking.Thewayitwentdownwascompletelyunnecessary.Thecoupde

wasshocking.Thewayitwentdownwascompletelyunnecessary.Thecoupdegrâcewasthatoneofthegirls’dadswasaprominentofficerwiththeChicagopolice,orsoIwastold.LaterthatmorningIpackedupmystuffandflewbacktoL.A.Afewdayslater,IhadMeganmoveoutandjoinme.

GUNSWASABANDTHATMIGHTBREAKapartatanysecond;thatwashalfoftheexcitement.Whenwehadacommongoal,thatwaslesslikelytohappen.Themoretimewespentapart,asourcommunal,creativevibebecamemoreamemorythanareality,ourlackofcommunicationandthedisadvantageofnotknowingwhatwastrulygoingonwithoneanotherdisabledanyabilitywemighthavehadtodealwithchange.

Atthecreativelevel,thingsbetweenushadchangeddrastically.UntilUseYourIllusionsIandIIGunswrotesongsoneway:startwithanideathatanyonewouldcomeupwithandthenwe’dcollaborate.AxlissoprolificlyricwiseandhassuchaheartfeltsenseofmelodythatcombinedwithIzzy’ssongwritingskillandDuffandmyself,creatinggreatguitarpartswaseasy,andsowe’dhaveamazingsongsinnotime.IzzyandAxlhadsuchgreatchemistrybecauseAxlknewhowtotransformoneofIzzy’ssimplestructuresintoaperfect,well-rounded,melodicallyandlyricallyrichsong.Agreatexampleis“Patience”:AxlreallyelevatedthatsongofIzzy’sintosomethingelseentirely.IhavesuchapowerfulsenseofmelodyandriffsthatI’dtieitalltogether.AlotofthetimeIwouldstartthecorewritingofasongwithaguitarhookthatDuffwouldexpanduponwithagreatbassline,orI’dcomeupwithabridgeandchorussectionthatwouldinspireAxltowriteincrediblelyricalhooks.

Slashkickingbackonabalconywithsometoadvenom.

WhenIzzyandIbroughtasongtotheband,usuallysomeorallofthewordswerethere,butwhenAxlsangthemhisway…itwouldreallycometogether.Backthenitwaseasy;butby1990we’dlostthatcommunalinspirationtoproduce.Thedesiretogettogetherandwritesongsisonething:that’slikeadayjob.It’squiteanothertobeinspiredbyamutualcollaboration.Thatwastheharshestrealityforustocometotermswith.Forthefirsttimewehadtoworkatit;allthesamewhenwefinallygotdowntoit,itwasgreatanditcamequickly,buteverythingalongthewaywasacompletefuckingchore.

IWASPRETTYDISILLUSIONEDABOUTthebandwhenIgotbacktoL.A.fromChicago.ImovedbackintotheWalnutHouse,withMegan.I’mnotquitesurewhatIwasthinkingbecauseIhadn’tknownherlong,butthereshewas.Everyoneelseintheband,asidefromIzzy,wasstillinChicago,andafteradayorso,theyrealizedthatIwasgone.Theystartedtotrickleback,butintheendAxlstayedbehindforabouttwoweeksafterIleft.Consideringthathewasfuriouswithmeforendingour“creativereprieve”there,hedidn’tspendthattimewritingdowninourprepaidrehearsalspace.FromwhatIunderstand,he

spentthetimesleepingandthrewafewmoreapartment-wreckingtantrums,aswellassendingmeberatingmessages,viamanagement,usuallyDougonasemiregularbasis.DougwouldcallmeasifhewasAxl’sboy,andIcan’tsayIautomaticallytrustedwhateverhehadtosay,butI’drespondashonestlyaspossibleandhopedhe’dconveythetruthaboutwhyI’dlefttoAxl.Regardless,Axljuststayedoutthereandsentmessagestoallofusforawhile,Iguess.

Gunswasabandthatmightbreakapartatanysecond;thatwashalfoftheexcitement.

AxlandIhadaveryinterestingsortoflove/haterelationship,andalwaysdid.MostofthetimeAxlandIwerelikefishingbuddieswhodon’thavemuchtotalkaboutunlessthey’refishing.ThenthereweretimeswhenheandIhadagreatrapport,whenhe’dcometometotalkwhenhehadalotonhismind.Forallofthoseperiods,therewerestretcheswhenweweresoobviouslyonoppositesidesofsomeinvisiblefencethatwedidn’tcommunicateatall.Duringthemonthsbeforewegottowritingagain,AxlandErinwerehavingveryseriousproblemsintheirrelationshipandheandIhadmanydeeptalksaboutit.Whattheyweregoingthroughwasveryserious:infact,onetimeafterChicagoIhadtogoovertoErin’shousetohelpdefuseanargumenttheywerehaving.Everycouplehastheirinnerworkings,andifthereisonethingIwouldnevertrytoclaimisthatIunderstoodtheinnerworkingsoftheirs.Still,IwasfriendswithbothofthemsoIcouldhelpmediate.DespitealltheshitgoingonwithGuns,wewerestillbandmatesandfriends.IfAxleverneededmeforsomething,I’dalwaysbethere.

MYRETALIATIONWHENIGETFRUSTRATEDcreativelyistobeself-destructivewithdrugs.It’smyexcusetogodownthatpath.It’sacommonphenomenonforjunkies.SoshortlyafterIgotbacktoL.A.,consideringthestateofaffairswiththeband,whentheopportunitypresenteditself,Iwastooeagertotakeadvantage.

MeganandIhadsettledin;wewerehappyinournewhome.Sheturnedouttobequitethehomemaker,andtooktokeepingtheplaceup,cooking,andbeingdomesticverynaturally.Shewouldgotobedearlyandgetupandgotothegymandthencleanupandmakedinner.AfterafewweeksherfriendKarencameoutfromChicagoandtheyspentaweekshopping.ThatwasthefirstdaythatIhadtomyselfandIranintoafriendthatIhadn’tseeninyears:achickfrombackintheElCompadredays.It’sthisamazingMexicanrestaurantonSunsetand

theElCompadredays.It’sthisamazingMexicanrestaurantonSunsetandGardner,andwhenGunswasstillcomingup,DuffandIwouldhangoutthereconstantly,holdingcourtasifweownedtheplace:we’dbringchicksinthereandthey’dsuckusofforfuckusunderthetableandjustdoallthiscrazyshit.

ThisoldfriendthatIranintousedtocuthair—mineincluded—andmentionedthatshestilldidso,butshealsosolddopehereandthere—itwasalltheencouragementIneeded.Shecameoverlaterwithabagofcleanrigs,andbeforeIknewit,beforeAxlevengothome,andbeforeMeganandKarenreturnedfromtheirtourofMelroseandBeverlyHills,Iwasbackonsmackwithavengeanceagain.

Meganwasoneofthosechickswhodatedthewrongguyandgotdraggedthroughthemillwithme.Shewasprettyinnocent;shemighthavethoughtshe’dfalleninlove,butIdon’tthinkshehadanyideaofwhatshe’dgottenintoorwhatwasgoingonwithmeoncewereturnedtoL.A.She’dmetmewhenIwasacompletedrunk;and,asI’vementioned,tothenakedeye,acleverheroinaddictdoesn’tactthatmuchdifferent,unlessyoucounttheirdrinks.Meganwassoinnocentthatshedidn’tpickuponthefactthatI’dsuddenlystoppedconsumingahalfgallonofvodkaperday,though,ifanything,Iwasactingjustasdrunk—ifnotmoreso.

Wecontinuedaverysweet,verytwisted,almost1950skindofrelationship.Shewouldtendtothehouse,thenheadtobedattenorelevenp.m.andI’dstayupallnight,downstairsinthelivingroom,shootingupeveryfewhoursintheblackbathroom.SomenightsI’dwritesongsonthecouch,somenightsI’djuststareatthesnakes.BeforeInoticed,itwouldbemorningandMeganwasupandwe’dhangoutandhaveagreattimeuntilIgottired.Sheneveraskedquestionsandwegotalongthatwayforawhile,veryhappily.Wehadpetnamesforeverything.Everythingtoherwaseither“cute”or“sweet,”andIwasusually“sweetie.”Lookingbackonit,MegansoundedalotlikeJenniferTilly.

Meganwasalso,asImentioned,reallydomestic.Shefixedtheplaceup,especiallythekitchen,andmadeitallentirelylivable.Shelikedtohavepeopleoverfordinner,iftheoccasionpresenteditself.IrememberthatIhadMarkMansfieldcomebyonce,moretogethighandcatchupthanhaveanykindofmeal,butMeganmadeusafeast:sheservedussomevarietyofchickenwithseveralsidedishes,garlicbread,andanicesalad,allservedonplacemats—thewholething.Shewasreallypleased,anddidn’tseemtonoticeatallhowdarka

statebothMarkandIwerein.Weweresostonedthatwejustkindofplayedwiththefood.Itdidn’tmatter;attheendofthenight,MegantoldmethatshethoughtMarkwascharming.Meganwasinterestinginotherways:moreoftenthannot,ratherthanscrew,shelikedtojustjerkmeoffandwatchit…Iguesswedidhaveaprettystrangerelationship.

Theactofshootingupalwaysturnedmeon.

AXL’STENDENCYTOCOMMUNICATEthroughmanagementcontinuedwhenhegotbackfromChicagothroughtomylastdaysintheband.ButthestartofitmaybewokeAlanandDougupabit,becausesuddenlytheyseemeddesperatetogetusinthesameroomregularlyagain.ThesuccessofGN’RLieshadcreatedahugedemandandwehadn’treleasedanythingsince.Wecouldhavesoldoutaworldwidetouronthebasisofadebutrecordthatwasthreeyearsold,plusanEPwithjustfournewsongs.Isupposemostotherbandsdon’tenjoythatkindofdemand,butweweren’tgoingtorushthenextrecord,probablybecausewecouldn’tsettledowntowriteanyofit.

Formypart,Igotdarkerthanever;Istartedspeedballingheavilyandreallyenjoyedtheuniquebrandofhallucinatoryparanoiathatcomeswithit.Noonehadtaughtmetospeedball;IjustthoughtitwouldbelikeanarcoticReese’sPeanutButterCup.CokeandheroinweretwogreattastesthatIknewwouldgogreattogether.

IttookmesometimetofigureouthowmuchofeachresultedintheeffectIdesiredatthetime,anditwasendlessfunexperimenting.Ihadafewdifferenttechniques,butusuallyI’dshootmycokefirstandthenfollowitupwithashotofheroin.Mixingthetwowasalsoagoodtime,butIoftendidthemseparatelybecauseIlovedtheritualoftheneedle;theactofshootingupalwaysturnedmeon.

SpeedballingwasthegreatestrollercoasterI’veeverridden:therushofthecokewouldsendmeupandthenthedopewouldkickinandthetripwouldtakeawonderfulturn;andthetwowouldweaveinandoutofeachotherfromthereonout.I’dalwaysendupshootingalloftheheroinbeforeI’dmowedthroughthecoke,sousuallyI’dgetwiredtothepointofanimpendingheartattack.Attheendofthosenights,IwasalsooftenleftwiththedistinctfeelingthatIwasbeingwatched,soIstartedtothinkthatwalkingaroundmyhousearmedtotheteethwasagoodidea.

Iboughtabunchofguns:ashotgun,a.38Special,a.44Magnum,andafewrevolvers.Iusedtokeepmy.38inthebackofmypants,andafterMeganwenttosleep,andafterI’dshotupenoughcokeandheroin,I’dwalkaroundthehousethinkingaboutthingswhilewatchingthelittlehallucinatoryfiguresthatstartedtopopupinthecornersofmyvision.I’dseethemdiveandrolloffthetopofthecurtainrodsorrunalongthebaseboardsinmyperipheralvision,buteverytimeItriedtolookatthemhead-on,they’ddisappear.AroundthenIstoppedtalkingtoeveryoneIknewandstarteddoingagreatdealofdrawing.Throughoutmylife,mydrawingshavealwaysreflectedwhatIwasintoatthetime.Duringthisperiod,Idrewnothingbutdinosaursandassortedgraphicdesignsandlogos.

IshouldhavebeendrawingthelittledemonmenthatIcouldneverquiteseeorseemtocaptureonfilm—believeme,Itried.AssoonasIstartedtospeedballregularly,thoselittleguyswereeverywhere.Theyweresmall,wiry,translucentcharactersthatIsawfromafaruntileventuallythey’dcrawlupmyjacketwheneverIgothigh.Iwantedtogettoknowtheminaway;asIlayonthefloor,waitingformyheartratetorelax,I’dwatchthelittleCirqueduSoleilshowthatthoseguyswouldputonallovertheroom.IoftenthoughtaboutwakingMeganupsothatshecouldcheckitout.IeventookpicturesoftheminthemirrorwhenIfoundthemperchedonmyshoulderandinmyhair.IstartedtotalkaboutthemandseethemsoclearlythatIevenfreakedoutmydrugdealer.OntherareoccasionwhenI’dleavethehousetoscoremydrugs,I’dusuallyshootuprightawayathisplaceandthenstartseeingthoselittleguyscrawlingupmyarm.

“Hey,doyouseethat?”I’dask,extendingmyarm.“Youseethatlittleguy,right?He’srightthere.”

Mydealerwouldjuststareatmeexpressionless.Thisguywasadrugdealerwhowasprettyusedtostrangejunkiebehavior.“You’dbettergo,man,”he’dsay.“You’rewaytoooutthere.Youshouldgohome.”ApparentlyIwasbadforbusiness.

OnenightIwaspatrollingthehousewithmyshotgunandcamedownthebedroomstairsintothelivingroom.ThenIwentupthestairstothebedroomlandinganduptotheloft,whereMeganwasasleep.AsIgotupthere,thegunwentoffandblastedthroughtheceilingoppositetheloft.Megandidn’tevenwakeup,whichisamazing.

Iwasstillawakewhenthefiretruckscame.IwaslyingthereprettyrattledasIheardthesirens.Ijustlaystillandthought,“Oh,boy.”

asIheardthesirens.Ijustlaystillandthought,“Oh,boy.”

Myhousewascutintoasteephill,sothesmall,square,second-floorbedroomwindowwasactuallyjustabovestreetlevel.Iheardthecommotionandfiguredsomeonewascomingforme,soItuckedmy.45inthebackofmypantsandranupstairstothewindow,pulledtheshadeaside,andstaredatthefiremenpreparingtobreakdownmydoor.Iaskedthemwhattheproblemwasandtheytoldmethatmyfirealarmhadbeenringingforthirtyminutes.

Iavertedthatsituation;Iassuredthemthattherewasnofire,andMeganwasnonethewiser.Anothertimethatshemighthavecaughtontomynocturnalactivitiesbutdidn’twasthemorningthatshewokemeuponthecouchinthelivingroom.ApparentlyI’dnoddedoutwiththeneedlerighttherenexttome.

“Sweetie,”shesaid.“Ithinkthecatisplayingwithsomething.”

Ilookeddowntoseeoneofmycatssmackingmyneedlearoundlikeitwasamouse.

Nottoolongafterthat,Duffstartedstoppingbybecausehewasworriedaboutme.I’mnotsurewhy;alloftheconversationswe’dhadwhileIleanedoutofmybedroomwindowandhestoodinthecul-de-sacwerepleasantenough.Ialwayshadaguninmybeltandneverinvitedhimin,ofcourse,butitwascoolbecauseheneverseemedtowanttocomeineither.

“Heyman,howyoudoing?”I’dask.

“Fine,”he’dsay.“Hey,what’sup?”

“Notmuch.”

“Okay,then,”Duffwouldsay,kindofsizingmeup.“Seeyoulater.”

“Hey,youwanttocomein?”

“No.”

“Okay,that’scool.Seeyoulater.”

MYGRANDMOTHERHADBEENILLWITHhearttroublemywholelifeupuntilshe

died.Whenshepassed,Iwasutterlydistraught.Ineverthoughtthatshewoulddiesoyoung;shewasonlyinherlatesixties.Isawherinherfinalmomentsatthehospital;itwastheonlytimeIcanreallyrememberbreakingdown.

ThenightafterIsawherdeadinherhospitalbed,IwenttotheRainbowBarandGrillandIborrowedacouplehundreddollarsfromMario,whoownstheestablishment.EventhoughIhadmoney,Ineverhadanycashonme;mybusinessmanagerwasreluctanttogivemeanyforobviousreasons.MariohadnoideawhatthemoneywasforanditwasthefirsttimeI’deveraskedforany.IwentdowntoEastL.A.tocopsomedope,thencamebacktoHollywoodandfixedinthefrontseatofmycaronasidestreet.ForsomereasonIcalledIzzy;hehadrecentlyrentedanapartmentinSantaMonica,andIaskedifIcouldcrashathisplace.HesaiditwascoolsoIdrovemylittleHondaCRXdownthePacificCoastHighwayhighoutofmymind.BeforeIwenttoIzzy’s,IspentafewhoursspeedingaroundsomeSantaMonicasidestreetslikeamaniac.Irememberactuallyjumpingmycaroffdirtmoundsonaconstructionsite.Howthecarsurvived,Idon’tknow.Iwasliterallyoutofmymind….Idon’tknowhowIdidn’tgetbustedeither.WhenIfinallygottoIzzy’s,hesetmeuponthecouchfortheremainderofthenight.IrememberthatwhilehesleptIwatchedthemoviePerformance,whichhehadrented….ThenIpassedout.

Now,atthispointin1990,Izzywasonprobationforhavinganaltercationwithastewardessonacommercialflight,whichisafederaloffense,sohewaskeepinghisnoseveryclean,sotospeak.Hehadanappointmentwithhisprobationofficerearlythenextmorning,andleftmeattheapartment.Igotoffthecouchwiththeapartmenttomyself,andproceededtothebathroomtotakeashowerbecausemygrandmother’swakewaslaterthatmorning.

AftermyshowerItriedtodomyfix,stillhighfromthenightbeforebutbelievingitwasentirelynecessary.Icouldn’tfindavein;Igotbloodalloverthebathroom,thetowels,thewalls,thesink—younameit.IkeptatituntilIhitanartery.ThenIhidmyworksinIzzy’sliving-roomclosetandheadedouttomygrandmother’swake,leavingIzzy’sapartmentinblood-stainedshambles.

WhenIarrivedatthewakeIwasajunkiemess.Igreetedmymomandbrother,butforsomereasonIwasnotpreparedtoseetherestofmyfamilyonmymom’ssideandmadeitknown.Ipaidmyrespectstomygrandmotherandthenwentintothebathroomtofixagain—itwasalltoomuch.That’swhatkindoffiendIwas.WhenIemerged,mymotherrealizedthatIwasunfittobeoutinpublic,soshesuggestedIgohome.IwenthomewithmyoldgirlfriendYvonne,

public,soshesuggestedIgohome.IwenthomewithmyoldgirlfriendYvonne,whowasatthewake.IhungoutatYvonne’sforthebetterpartoftheafternoon,butIwastoooutofmyheadforhertoputupwith.ItookacabhomeonlytobegreetedbyamessageonmyansweringmachinefromanextremelypissedoffIzzyStradlin.IzzyhadfoundallthesyringesandthespoonIhadhidinhiscloset,andwasnonetoohappyaboutit.Seeingthathewasonprobationandcouldbesearchedbyhisprobationofficeratanytimewithoutwarning,hehadeveryreasontobeangry.

Lookingbackontheseevents,Irealizehowinsaneandself-destructiveIwas,butIdidn’tknowitthen.Nowitseemsshocking,butbackthenitwasnobigdeal—tomeatleast.

Mygrandmotherwasthemostunselfish,givingpersonI’veeverknown.She’dgiveyouherlastnickelnomatterhowstronglyyou’dprotest.ShewasalsoverysupportiveofmeinallthatIdid,butespeciallywithmusic.Shehadhadclassicalpianotrainingwhenshewasyoungandshewasmusicallyinclined.IgotthefeelingthatshewasrelievedwhenIpickeduptheguitar;shefinancedmyfirstpiecesofgear.SheprobablyfiguredthatmusicwassaferandmoresophisticatedthanterrorizinginnocentpeopleonaBMXbike.Littledidsheknowhowwrongshewas.Herson,myuncleJaques,livedwithherandwasabouttwelveyearsolderthanI.HehadDown’ssyndrome.Hewasbigintomusicaswell,andhistastewasprettyeclecticbecausehewasaprettychildlike,animatedindividual.HelistenedtotheVillagePeople,ABBA,thePartridgeFamily,butheturnedmeontoJamesBrownandTheRunaways—gofigure.

Mygrandmotherpassedawayofheartcomplicationsin1990andleftmymothertotakecareofJaques,butbeforesheleftus,shewasveryproudthatIhadmadeacareeroutofplayingmusic.MyuncleJaquespassedin2004.

IT’SQUITEPOSSIBLETHATINERTIAWOULDhavekilledGunsoffbeforeweevengotgoingifitweren’tfortheRollingStones.Attheheightofthisperiod,whenIwasspeedballinglikeBelushi,weneededareasontorallymorethanwedidwhenwehadnothingbutdeterminationandnowheretogo.IrememberthedayIgotthecall.

“HeySlasher,wegotacallfromtheStones,theywantyoutoopenforthem.”ItwasAlan.“ItwouldconsistoffourshowsattheL.A.Coliseum.”

“Really?”Isaid.“Thatsoundslikeagoodidea.”

“They’restartingtheirtoursoonandthey’redoingproductionrehearsalsinPittsburgh.”

“Well,let’sgooutthere,”Isaid.

TheybookedourflightsandAlan,Doug,andIheadedouttheretoseetheStonesrehearse.Ipackedupafewsyringes,enoughdopetogetmethroughafewdays,andIwasready.Ihadn’tcountedononeproblem,whichhadbeenaproblemforourbandfromthestart:onthewaytoPittsburgh,AlanhadbookedastopoverinOhiotocheckinonGreatWhite.GreatWhite…therereallywasn’tabandotherthanPoisonthatstoodforeverythingwehatedmorethanGreatWhite,andourmanager,AlanNiven,managedthem.ThisenragedAxlonadailybasis,particularlyafterAlanforcedGunstofillinforthemattheRitzinNewYorkatanMTVconcertin1988;anappearancetheycouldn’tmakeforsomereason.OncewetookoffandAlanstartedpiggybackingoffourpopularitytofurthertheircareer,itbecameahugeissuewithus,sostoppingofftoseeaGreatWhiteshowonthewaytotheStoneswasastupidmoveonAlan’spart.

Ihadnointerestinseeingthemplay,soIstayedbehindinmyroomtoshootdrugsuntilourflightinthemorning.Iwasprettygoodathidingsyringesanddopebythen;theliningofmyjacketwasalwaysgood,andtheinsideofapenwasaneasycoverforadopeballoon.Therewerevariousothertechniques,too,butthosemustremainsecret.OnthistripIwassloppy,though,andI’dsomehowbrokenmysyringe.

Itwasn’taproblem;Icalleddowntothefrontdesk.

“Um,hi,isthisthefrontdesk?”

“Yes,sir,itis,howcanwehelpyou?”

“Ihaveabitofanemergencysituationgoingonhere.IamtheguitaristforGreatWhiteandIamadiabeticandmyinsulinsyringeswereinabagofminethatwasstolen.IneedtobeonstageinanhourandIneedtotakemymedicationbeforehand.Isthereapharmacyclosebythatyoucouldsendsomeonetoforme?”

“Yes,sir,I’msorrytohearthat.Icanmostcertainlymanagethat.”

“Thankyouverymuch.Ireallyappreciateit.”

Whenthesyringesappearedatmydoor,Iwasblownaway.Ajunkiecanbeverypersuasiveandmanipulativewhenitcomestodopeandgettingitdone.Inanycase,Iwasbackinbusinessinnotime,havingablastinmyhotelroomallbymyself.OverthecourseofthatnightI’mnotsureifIactuallylostoneofmyheroinballoons,butItookthathotelroomapartasifIhad.Iturnedeverythingover,Ilookedundereverysurface;basicallyitlookedlikesomekidhadbuiltaveryambitiousfortwithalloftheavailablefurniture.

Ihadsuchapartythatnightandmadesuchamessthatwedidn’tgettoPittsburghontime.I’dshotmostofmystuffthenightbefore,butIneededafixsobadoncewegottherethatItoldAlantoletmehaveanapbeforetheshow.IfixedandpassedoutandsleptthroughtheentireStonesgig.AlanandDougcalledmenumeroustimesbutIneverheardthephone.Thetwoofthemsawtheshowandthenextmorningtoldmehowgreatitwas.

Alanlookedmesquareintheeye.“Slasher,I’mgoingtoturnthisdown,”hesaid.“Thereisnowayyoucanopenfortheseguys.Youareinnoshapeatalltodothis.”

“Wecandothis,Ipromiseyou,”Isaid.“Justbookthegig.”

Despitehisreservations,hedid.

Iwasafiend,thoughotherpeopleseemedmoreconcernedaboutitthanIwas.Mostofmydealershadstartedavoidingme.Thefewthatwouldselltomewerecool,buttheyneverwantedmearoundthem;they’donlydropshitoffatthebackdooroftheWalnutHouseandnevercomeinside.

Aroundthistime,Isawmymomandevenshewasworried.ShesuggestedthatIgetonthephonewithDavidBowie,becauseMomthoughtthathisadvicewouldhelpmorethanforcingmeintorehab.

Davidwasengaging,andwiseinthewaysofchemicalabuse.HeaskedmeaboutwhatIwasdoingdrugwiseandwhatIwasgoingthroughemotionally,psychically,andwiththeband.Irambledonforawhile,butonceIstartedtalkingaboutmylittletranslucentfriends,Davidinterruptedme.Theconversationasawholewaswaytooinvolvedtohavewithsomeonethathehadn’tseensincetheywereeightyearsold,buthe’dheardenough.

“Listentome,”hesaid.“Youarenotinagoodway.Ifyouareseeingthingseveryday,whatyouaredoingtoyourselfisnotgoodatall.Youareataveryspirituallowpointwhenthatbeginstohappen.”Hepausedforamoment.“Youareexposingyourselftothedarkerrealmsofyoursubconsciousbeing.Youaremakingyourselfvulnerabletoallkindsofnegativeenergy.”

IwassofargonethatIdidn’tagree:Ithoughtofmyhallucinationsasmygood-timeentertainment.

“Okay,that’scool.”Isaid.“Yeah,Isupposethat’sbad…Dulynoted.”

ONCETHESTONESGIGSWEREBOOKED,everybodybecamedulyresponsibleaboutgettingtorehearsalontimeanditseemedlikewehadourincentiveonceagain.AtthistimeDuffwasourmostresponsiblemember:he’dpickStevenupeveryday,afterwaitingforhimtodohowevermanylinesheneededtodotogetstraight;thenhe’dpickmeup.ImadethembothwaitoutsidewhileIdidmyprerehearsalshot.

ThedaybeforetheStonesgigswedidawarm-upshowattheCathouseanditwaskiller.Itwasthefirsttimewe’dplayedinawhile,andwehadsomuchenergytogetout;wesoundedamazinganditwasaclassicGunsshow.Itwasn’twithoutitsunpleasantness,though,becauseAxlinsultedDavidBowiesomuchfromthestagethatBowieleftinthemiddleoftheset.

Davidwastherewithmymom,sittingatatablenearthefront,andapparentlyAxlwasconvincedthatbackstagebeforethegig,DavidhadbeenhittingonErinEverly.ItwassucharidiculousnotionthatafterwardmymomaskedmewhatthefuckwaswrongwithAxl.Itwasanuncomfortablesituation,butIjustblewitoffandtriedtofocusonthepositive.Thateveningwascapturedforposterityinthevideofor“It’sSoEasy,”whichwasneveracceptedbyMTVorairedintheStatesbecausewerefusedtoeditouttheprofanityinthesong.

WewerebookedintotheHotelBonaventureforthefournightsoftheStonesshowsandthat’swhereIwasthemorningbeforethefirstonewhenIgotthecallthatAxlwasn’tgoingtodothegigs.HisreasoningwasthatStevenandIwereonsmack.Wewere…butthatwasbesidethepoint;wewereopeningforTheStones.Somehowwecoercedhimintodoingthefirstshow,anditwasa

disaster.

“Enjoytheshow,”Axlsaidwhenwetookthestage,“becauseit’sgoingtobeourlastone.TherearetoomanyofusdancingwithMr.Brownstone.”

IwassopissedoffaboutthatandhewassopissedatmeforbeingajunkiethatIspentthebetterhalfoftheshowfacingmyamps.Nothingwastogetherthatnight,thebandsoundedhorrible.InmystateofmindIwalkedoffstage,gotrightintomylimo,andwenttogethighinmyroom.

Thenextday,DougtoldmethatAxlwouldplaytheremainingshowsaslongasIapologized,onstage,totheaudience,forbeingajunkie.Thatwasaprettyhardpilltoswallow.Inretrospect,IunderstandwhyAxlsingledmeoutratherthanSteven.IamthestrongerofthetwoofusandAxlreliedonmemore.Mypresencewasimportanttohim;hefeltthatIwasalinkinthebandthatcouldn’taffordtobeoutofcontrol.Still,Ididn’tthinkapublicgesturewasnecessary.Whenyou’rehigh,you’rearrogantandtherewasnowayIwasgoingtotaketheblameinthatway.Ididn’tthinkthatsmackwascausingtheproblemsinthebandandevenifitwas,nowwasnotthetimetomakeanissueofit.

ButIhadtodosomething.Sowhenthetimecame,Iwalkedoutthere,andratherthanapologize,Iwentintosomebanteraboutheroinandwhatitcandotoyouandhowwe’dbeenaroundtheblockafewtimes,howI’ddonemytimewiththeseductivebeast.Itwasmoreamusingthananythingelse,becauseIdidn’twanttobringtheaudiencedownatall.IhaveawayofmumblingwhenItalkanyway,soIthinkthementionof“therealityofdrugs”andwhateverelseIsaidcameoffasanapologyenough.Wedidalongintroto“Mr.Brownstone”asIspoke,sofromanaudienceperspective,itseemedlikeanimpromptuintroductiontothesong.

Whateveritwasandwasn’t,onceDougtoldAxlthatIdidit(becauseherefusedtoleavethedressingroomuntilIdid),Axlwaspleasedandthevibeofthewholebandturnedaroundashewalkedoutonstageandwelaunchedinto“Mr.Brownstone.”Suddenlyourcamaraderiereturned;oncethosepersonalissueswerehandled,wewereabletofocusontheplaying.

Thatsecondshowwasfine,andthethirdwasevenbetter—wereallygotitalldownbythen.Thefourthshowwasfuckingamazing—wewereatourbest.Thosedateswereanexperience,tosaytheleast.Theyarerenownedonthe

bootlegcircuitandanyonethatwasthereremembersthemverywell:evenonthenightsthatwewereoff,theywerenonethelessentertaining.

TheStoneswatchedusforallfournightsI’vebeentold,becauseweremindedthemofthemselvesbackintheday.NotthatIspentanytimehangingwiththem.Iwastoostrungout.DespitewhateverI’dsaidonstage,allIcaredaboutwasgettingmyfixassoonaspossibleoncethelastchordwasplayed.Ididitintheparkinglotusually;Icouldn’twaittogettothehotel.AsmuchasIwasinspiredbythoseshows,IstartedtolookatthebandandwritingouralbumassomethingI’dgetto“onceIgotclean.”It’safamousjunkiemantra.

TogetthedrugsIneededduringthosefournights,IoncehadtoleavethehoteltodriveintoHollywoodandwaitformysmack,thengobackdowntownforthegig.Youcanbeonsuchalevel—playingtheColiseum—butifyou’reajunkieyoualsoexistinthisscrungyrealityofcoppingyourshitinthestreet,grassrootsstyle.Youdoitandthengobacktoyourotherreality.

Ididn’twantthattohappenagain,soforthethirdgig,Igavethisdealerwe’llcall“Bobby”backstagepassessothathecouldcomedownandbringmemyshit…andseetheshow.Iwasbackstagewaitingforhimtoshowup,andasitgotclosetoshowtimeIstartedtofeelill.TheclockwastickingandIwasatthepointwhereIwasunabletoplay;Iwasfullofanxietybecauseifhedidn’tgetthereintimethenIwouldn’tbeabletogoonstage.Iwaswaiting,Iwasbeepinghim,andIwastryingtokeepupappearances.Iwasbeepinghim.Hewasnotanswering.Literallytenminutesbeforewewenton,Bobbyshowedup.IlockedmyselfinthebathroominthetrailerwecalledadressingroomandIgothighandbreathedasighofrelief.Itwasnotgood.Axlhadeveryreasontomakethepointhedid—thatkindofexistencejustcouldn’tworkatthelevelwewereat.Whenyou’rethatcaughtupinheroinit’snotaboutthemusicanymore.Ihadforgottenthat.Stevenwasinanequallybadplace,butuntilIgotcleanagain,Ididn’thaveanyideaofwhatwasgoingonwithhimatall.

DRUGSSTOODBETWEENWHEREWE’Dbeenandwherewehadtogo;andsincetheStonesshowshadestablishedafunctionalcreativerapportwithinthebandagain,wesetabouttacklingtheissueasbestwecould.DougthoughtthathecouldpulloffasoftinterventionwithStevenbytakinghimonvacationtoanexclusivegolfresortinArizona.Stevenwasexcitedbywhatthebandhadjustdone,so,atleastintheory,hewantedtogethisacttogether.Heagreedthataweekawayfrom

L.A.chillingbythepool,inthedesert,wasallthatheneeded.

Iwasamorecomplicatedanimal:suggestingrehabwasn’tgoingtogooverwell,andneitherwasbeinglookedafter.Actually,noonecouldtellmeshitatthetime;theyhadtotrustthatIwasgoingtogetittogetheronmyown.AndIfullyintendedto;IthoughtabouthowtogoaboutitoverthecourseofmanynightsspenthighupintheWalnutHouse.IhadadoctorprescribemeBuprinex,whichisanopiateblocker.He’dgetmebottlesofthatandsyringes.Itwasaveryexpensivetreatment,butthisguywaskindofaDr.Feelgood;notthetypeofguywhohadareallegitimatepracticetospeakof.

IbroughtallofthatwithmethenightthatIspontaneouslydecidedtojoinDougandSteveninArizona.Itmadecompletesenseatthetime:theArizonasunwasagreatplacetobeginscalingbackmyhabit.ItoldMeganthatIhadsomebandshittodoandthatI’dbebackinfourdays.Ibookedmyflight,Icalledalimo,andIcalledadrugdealerthatIknewwhowaslocatedonthewaytotheairport.Ihaditallfiguredout:Icoppedenoughcokeandheroin,andpackedalltheBuprinextogetmethroughanicemellowlongweekendatagolfresort.

Ihadn’tcalledDougorSteventoletthemknowIwascoming,sowhenIlandedtherethatnight,Iwasonmyown.Therewasn’tmuchgoingonaroundtown,butIdidn’tcare.

“Hey,howfaristhisplace?”Iaskedthelimodriver.

“Aboutforty-fiveminutes,sir,”hesaid.

“Okay.Listen,canyoustopoffsomewheretogetmesomesilverware?”Iasked.“I’vegotsomefoodbackherethatIreallywanttoeat.”

ThedriverdroveforabouttwentyminutesandstoppedataDenny’s.Hecameoutandhandedmeaknifeandafork,wrappedinanapkin.Great,Ithought.

“Hey,”Isaid.“Listen,isthereanywhereelsewecanstop?Ineedafullsetofsilverware.”

AfteranotherfifteenminuteswestoppedagainandthistimeIgotthespoon.Ipromptlyputupthedividerbetweenthedriverandme,gotmydrugsout,andcookedupmymeal.

cookedupmymeal.

Ididmyfixandrelaxedwhilewedrovetothehotel.ThescrappyunderbrushoftheArizonalandscapesuddenlylookedmuchmoreinvitingandthetintedglassmadeitlookevenmorelush.

Whenwegottotheresort,theVenetian,Itookmyone-manpartyintomyroom.Itwasn’tthekindofplacethatIwasusedto,becauseitdidn’tlooklikeahotel:itwasacollectionofbungalowsalongabeautifullymanicuredgolfcourse…alotlikethatplaceDougtookmetoinHawaii,cometothinkofit.Myroomwasgreat:therewerethesesheerwhitecurtainsaroundthebed,asmalladobe-stylefireplace,andabathroomwithaglass-enclosedshower—itwaslikeawell-appointedspa.ItwassorelaxingthatIcouldthinkofnobettertherapythanshootingcokeandsmackallnighttosoothemysoul.

IsoonforgotthattheshitIbroughtwasmeanttolastmefourdays—IwasactingasifIhadsomethingtocelebrate.WithinhoursIwasoutofheroin.It’sacommonproblemforjunkies:whenyou’rehigh,you’reinanicecontentedstate,everythingisgoodandmellow,andthat’swhenyoumakeyourplans;that’swhenyoufigureouthowmuchdopeyouneed.Thenyoustartdoingyourdopeandeverythingchanges.Yourepositioneverythingasyou’regoing;youfindreasonswhyyoucanandshoulddoahitrightnow.Andonceyou’vedonethat,youfindareasonwhyyoushouldjustfinishwhatyouhavebecause,hey,youwon’tneeditlater.

Youdoallofthiscrazy,psychoshit,becausewhenitcomesrightdowntoit,thedayyoufirstdidheroin,thetimeyoudiditandlovedit,whenyoursystemwaspureandunadulterated,thatwasthebesttimeyouwilleverhavedoingit.Youspendtherestofyourusingcareerchasingthathighthatyou’llneverfindagain,soyouconvinceyourselfthatyouwillgetbackthereifyoujustkeepatit.Youtryalldifferentmethodsofgettingthere,butyou’rechasingaghost.Youendupneedingtogethighjusttofeelwell:youwantjustenoughtonotfeelbad,justenoughtogetyoutofeelfine.Butwhenyouhaveaniceamountofit,youstilltrytofindyouroriginalhigh—andbeforeyouknowit,inonenight,you’vegonethroughwhatyouplannedtorationyourselfoverfourdays.Yourcarefulplanningisfucked.

Thatwasnoreasontostoptheparty,asfarasIwasconcerned,sincetherewasplentyofcokelefttoshoot.Nomatterhowmeticulousyouarewiththesmack,itwillalwaysbedonewellbeforethecoke.Andwhenyoustartreallyshootingcoke,thehallucinationsyougetaresorealthatyoucannolongertell

shootingcoke,thehallucinationsyougetaresorealthatyoucannolongertellyourselfthatyou’rejusthighandthatit’syourmindplayingtricksonyou.It’slikebeingonacid,butwithawholedifferentattitude.It’sscaryandrealistic,andnotatallpsychedelic.Inmycase,itgotviolentandterrifying.Ihadenjoyedthatelementofthedruginthepast,butthistimeIwentovertheedge.

Ikeptshootingcokethatnightjusttokeepshooting;I’vementionedhowIlikedstickingtheneedlethroughmyskin,intothevein,andfeelingthedrugsentermybodyandtakeover.Ialsolovedtheritual;thecooking,thestraining,andthetyingoffalmostasmuchasthehigh.Iwasprettycontentwithmyselfjustgoingthroughthosemotionsforafewhours.

Andthenthingsgotweird.IstartedshadowboxingmonstersthatIsawontheothersideofthesheercurtainsthatframedthelargeking-sizebed.Iwasbobbingandweaving,asifIwereworkingoutatagym.Thisshadowboxingcontinuedallnightlonguntilthesuncameup,drowningeveryshadowintheroomandendingmyactivity.OnceIsnappedoutofthattrance,IfiguredthatIshouldprobablyheadoutinsearchofStevenandDoug.

First,Idecidedtoshower,tostraightenupabit.Butbeforethat,Ioptedforonelastshotofcoke.IfeltgreatwhenIgotunderthebigrain-style,luxuryshowerhead.AndasIwasthereunderthenicewarmwater,thecokehallucinationshitmeharderthantheyhadthatnightoreverbefore:fulldaylightwascominginthroughtheskylight,butIwatchedaslongshadowsemergedfromthecorners.Theycreptupthefloortowardme,uptheglassoftheshower,andtooktheshapeoftheshadowmonstersI’dboxedearlier.Theywererightinfrontofme,fillingtheglassdoor,andIwasn’tgoingtoletthemgetme,soIpunchedthemashardasIcould,sendingtheentirepaneofglassintopiecesalloverthefloor.Istoodtherewithacuthand,underthewater,paralyzed,paranoid,scanningthebathroomforotherassailants.Andthat’swhenmylittlebuddiesshowedup.

TheyalwayslookedlikethecreatureinPredatortome,butafractionthesizeandtranslucentblue-gray;theywerewiryandmuscularwiththesamepointedheadsandrubbery-lookingdreadlocks.They’dalwaysbeenawelcome,carefreedistraction,butthishallucinationwassinister.Icouldseethemgatheringinthedoorway,therewasanarmyofthem,holdingtinymachinegunsandweaponsthatlookedlikeharpoons.

Iwasterrified;Iranacrosstheglassonthefloorandslammedthesliding-

Iwasterrified;Iranacrosstheglassonthefloorandslammedthesliding-glassdoortothebathroomshut.Bloodbegantoforminapoolunderme,issuingoutfrommyfeet,butIdidn’tfeelathing;IwatchedinhorrorasthePredatorssqueezedtheirlimbsbetweenthedooranddoorframeandbegantoslideitopen.Iputallmyweightagainstitinanefforttoholditshut,butitwasnouse;theywerewinningandIwaslosingmybalanceonallofthebrokenglass.

Idecidedtoflee:Ibrokethroughthesliding-glassdoor,cuttingmyselffurtherandsprayingdebrisallovertheroom.WhenIranoutofthebungalow,thebrightsunlight,theshockinggreenofthegrass,andthecolorsoftheskywereoverwhelming;everythingwasjarringandvividtome.EverythinginmyroomhadbeensorealthatIwasnotprepared,inmycondition,tobesosuddenlytransportedfromthedrawncurtainsintotheshimmeringdaylight.

Ijustran…fullynakedandbleeding,downthefairway,awayfromthearmyofPredatorsIsawovermyshouldereverytimeIturnedtolook.Ineededareprievefromtheharshdaylight,soIduckedthroughtheopendoorofanotherbungalow.Ihidbehindthedoor,thenbehindachair,asthePredatorsbegantofilluptheroom.Therewasamaidinthere,makingthebed,andshestartedtoscreamwhenshesawme.ShescreamedlouderwhenItriedtouseherasahumanshieldtoprotectmyselffromthesmallhuntersonmytrail.

Ifledagain,runningattopspeedthroughtheresortwithatranslucentarmyatmyheels;thecolorsandsceneryonlyaddedtomydementia.Imadeittothebackofthemainclubhouseandwentthroughthebackdoorandintothekitchen;allofthecooksandactivityweredizzying,soIranoutofthere,rightintothelobby.TherewereguestsandstaffeverywhereandIremembergrabbingawell-dressedbusinessmanstandingtherewithhisluggage,onceagainusinghimasahumanshield.HeseemedsotogetherthatIbelievedhecouldholdthePredatorsatbay,butIwaswrong.Theyactuallygottomeatthatpointandstartedclimbingupmylegs,loadingtheirlittleguns.Thebusinessmandidn’twantanythingtodowithme;heshookfreesoIbackedintoautilityclosetsomewherenearthekitchen.Asacrowdgathered,Iranoutofthereagain,backoutside,eventuallyfindingdarknessandshelterinashedonthefairway,whereIhidbehindalawnmower,untilfinally,thehallucinationsbegantosubside.

I’dcausedquiteabitofacommotionbythen;thecopshadarrivedand,alongwithacrowdofonlookers,theyconfrontedmeinmyhidingplace.Iwasn’tseeingthePredatorsanymore,butwhenIgavethecopsmytestimony,itinvolvedadetailedre-creationofhowthey’dchasedmeallovertheresorttryingtokillme.IwasstillhighenoughthatItoldthestorywithoutashredofself-

tokillme.IwasstillhighenoughthatItoldthestorywithoutashredofself-consciousness.Everythingaroundmestilllookedprettybizarre;evenwhenStevenbrokethroughthecrowdandhandedmeapairofsweat-pants.Thecopstookmebacktomyroomandfoundabagfullofsyringes,butnodrugs;andsinceIhadaprescriptionforBuprinex,(whichdidnotgetyouhigh,)Iwasallowedtohavesyringesandnothingseemedamiss.

Still,theArizonapoliceweren’tbuyingit:atsomepointtheyleftmeintheroomtodiscussamongthemselveswhattodowithme.IwasstillconvincedthateverythingItoldthemhadhappened,whichdidn’thelpexoneratemeatall.Theykeptstaringatme,like,“okay.”Theyeventuallytookmein,oncetheyfoundcokeresidueinthespoononthefloor.ButDougsteppedin;hecalledDannyZelisko,thishigh-poweredpromoterinPhoenix,whomanagedtokeepmeoutofjail.DougandDannyhustledmeoutofthere,minusoneshoe,becauseoneofmyfeetwasfartooinjuredtowearone.Theygotmeonaprivatejetandflewmethefuckoutofthere.WithoutDanny’shelp,Iwaslookingatseriousjailtime.Thankyouagain.

WHENILANDEDINL.A.,IWASPICKEDupandsnuckintoasuiteattheSunsetMarquis.Myspeedballrallyatthegolfcoursehadleftmeexhausted,soIwentstraighttosleep.

IwokeuptoDuffstandingoverthebed.“Heyman…youawake?”

“Yeah,”Isaid,tryingtofigureoutexactlywhereIwas.

“Getsomeclotheson,I’mgoingtowaitforyouintheotherroom,”hesaid.“Ihavetotalktoyouaboutsomething.”

“Okay,cool.”

Iwalkedintothelivingroomandeveryseatintheplacewasfull:mymanagers,mymom,mybandmates(exceptforIzzyandAxl)—asidefrommydrugdealer,almosteveryoneIknewwasthere.Itwasanofficialintervention.Iwasstillgettingmybearings,butIimmediatelythoughtthatitwasridiculousthatStevenwastherebecauseheneededrehabasmuchasIdid,ifnotmore.Istaredathim,justthinking,Hypocrite.Everyoneelse’sattendancemeantsomethingtome.I’mnotquitesurewhat,butdefinitelysomething.Almosteveryonetherealsohadsomethingtosay.

MysecurityguardEarlsaid,“Slash,youwerevibrantandaliveinChicago.InChicagoyouweresostrong.Ican’tstandtoseeyoulikethis,inthisweakcondition.”

Mymomwasstupefied.Shesatthereinsilenceforthemostpart.

AlanNivenwastypicallybombastic.“Slash,youhavetogotorehab,”hesaid.“It’sallbeenarranged.”

Theyallsaidthattheylovedme,andGodblesstheirhearts,I’msuretheymeantit,butbeingconfrontedthatwaywassoheavythatitlostsomethingintranslation.Iwascompletelycornered,somyusualbullshitlinesaboutbeingfinewerenotgoingtowork.Iwasstuckwithnodefense,Iwasguiltywithoutatrial,andtherewasnothingIcoulddo.Likeanyoneinthatsituation,mylyinghadcomeintoharshfocus.

Ineverblamedmymomforanyofthis,Ineverforamomentthoughtthatthiswasheridea;shelookedasconfusedasIdidthatday.TherestofthemwereschemingmotherfuckersasfarasIwasconcerned.Regardless,ifIwasgoingtomakeitrightwiththeband,I’dhavetogotosomeclinicinTucsoncalledSierraTucson,andsoIenteredrehabforthefirsttime.

Thethingaboutrehabisthatyouhavetowantit.Whenyoudo,itworkswonders—butwhenyoudon’t,itmaycleanoutyourbody,butitwon’tchangeyourmind.Thatispreciselywhathappenedtomemyfirsttime:Iwentthroughdetox,inaverysecure,sterileenvironment,buttherewasnowayinhellthatIintendedtotakepartinanyaspectoftheclean-livingcommunitythatisphasetwoofrehabilitation.

ButbeforeIevengotthere,Ididwhateverydedicatedjunkiedoes:ItoldeveryoneatmyinterventionthatIagreedwiththem,thatIintendedtogoalongwiththeirplanforme,solongasIcouldspendonelastnightinmyownbedbeforeIsetofftocleanupinthemorning.Theysaidokay,becausemyshenaniganshadruntheircourseasfarastheywereconcerned.

Iwentbacktomyhouse,retrievedmystash,didmyfix,andhungoutwithMegan—whowascompletelyunawareofthisentireeventgoingdown.ItoldherthatI’dbeawayforawhileonbandbusiness,andinthemorning,Igotupbrightandearly,fixedagain,andgotintothelimowithDougtogotoTucson.Thisplacewasinthemiddleofthedesertineveryway:therewerenomarkets,

Thisplacewasinthemiddleofthedesertineveryway:therewerenomarkets,housingdevelopments,stripmalls…nothingcivilizedwaswithinmiles.Itwasalittlesoberoasis.

Iwascheckedintoatwo-bedroom,butneverhadaroommateforthedurationofmystay,whichwasgreat.Thefirstthreeorfourdaysofdryingoutweretypicallyawful,thoughtheyweremadelessdrasticduetothecombinationofmedicationsIwasgiven.I’dneverkickedthatway,soitwasawelcomerelief,butnothingquitesocomfortablethatIcouldeatanythingorsleepsoundlyformorethananhourortwoatatime.

Afterafewdays,oncethesweatsandtheanxietyandtheinescapablediscomfortreceded,Iwascomfortableenoughinmyownskintogetoutofbedandwalkaroundabit.ItwasallthatIcoulddo;Iwasn’treadyforhumaninteractionatall.ButthemomentIemergedfrommyroom,thestaffwasallovermetoattendgrouptherapy.Itwasoutofthequestion—justbecauseIcouldwalkdidn’tmeanthatIwantedtotalk.IwantedtoavoidotherpeoplesomuchthatIwaiteduntilIwastotallyfamishedtoseekoutfood,becausedoingsomeantencounteringstrangersinthecafeteria.

IlearnedlaterthatshouldIhavecheckedinaweekearlier;I’dhaveknownonepersonthere:SteveClark,theoriginalguitaristforDefLeppard.Stevewasintherefordrugs,butasiscustomaryinplacessuchasthose,onceyousurrendertotheirmethods,theyfindcountlessother“afflictions”thatareailingyou.Inthatframeofmind,sexandjustaboutanythingelse,ifyoulookatitfromacertainperspective,canbeseenasanaddictionthatrulesyourlife.InSteve’scase,Iheartheylabeledhimasasexaddictandslappeda“NoFemaleContact”patchonhimafterhebroketheregulationsbytalkingtothesamegirlmorethanonceinprivate.Hedidn’ttaketothattoowellandhepromptlycheckedhimselfoutofthere.Stevediedofadrugoverdosetwoyearslater.

WhenIwasn’tinmyroomatSierraTucson,Ispentmostofmytimesittingatamassivetablewithagiantashtrayforacenterpiece.Ididmybesttoavoidconversingwiththeotherresidents.WhenIcouldn’tavoidit,theconversationgenerallywentlikethis.

Somestrangerwouldsitdownandstartsmokingnearby.

“Hey,whatareyouinfor?”they’daskme.

“Heroin.”

“Heroin.”

Usually,atthementionofthatword,atleastoneormoreotherpatientspresentandwithinearshotwouldstartvisiblytwitchingandscratchingthemselves.

“Yeah,cool.That’snothing.Letmetellyoumystory…”

MostofthepeopleImettherehadmultipleaddictionsandpersonalitiessocomplexthattheydefiedallofmypreconceivednotions.Theywereastrangecollectionofindividualsfromallwalksoflife;itwasjustlikeOneFlewovertheCuckoo’sNest,andlikeJackNicholson’scharacter,IwasconvincedthatIwastheleastfuckedupofallofthem.IwasoperatingundertheimpressionthatIknewwhatIwasdoingwhenIwasdoingit,nomatterwhatitwas,whilethesepeopledidn’tseemtoknowwhattheyweredoingatanymomenteverandhadnoideaofwhatthey’ddonetogethere.

Afteranotherthreeorfourdays,thatwasit;Idecided,FUCKTHIS.Iwassickofrehaboneverylevel,fromthestaffencouragingmeintogroupsharingandwhatevermightcomefromthattothetoo-fastfriendsImetwhilesmokingthatwantedtomeetupontheoutsidetoscoredrugstogetherwhentheygotoutinafewweeks.

Whenitcamedowntoit,Iwasn’tatallpreparedtosurrenderinanyway,shape,orform.Iwasinthemiddleofthedesert,itwasfuckinghot,andIsawnoproductivewaytospendmynexttwenty-twodaysthere.ItoldtheheadnursethatIneededtocheckoutimmediately,andshedideverythingshecouldtostopme.Thefounderoftheplaceevencamedowntotalkmeintostaying.

HewasthetypeofNewAgecowboythatcanonlyexistintheAmericanSouthwest:heworeaten-gallonhatandlotsofturquoisejewelryandcowboyboots,andspokeatlengthabouthispersonaljourneytosobriety.HewascommandingandinsistedthatIhadn’tyetbeguntodotherealwork.Hewasn’twrong,butIdidn’tgiveashit—nordidIcaretobuyintohisroadtocleaningupwhatsoever.

“Look,”Isaid,justpissed.“Youcan’tkeepmehere,man.Youcan’t.Sogivemeaphoneandgetmemystuff,becauseI’mleaving.I’mleavingrightnow.”

“Youaremakingabigmistake,”hesaid.“Youaregivingin.Youarebeing

“Youaremakingabigmistake,”hesaid.“Youaregivingin.Youarebeingweak,youneedtothinkaboutthis.Justcometoameetingwithme.”

“Iamnotgoinganywherewithyou,”Isaid.“Thatisnothappening.Thankyouverymuchforyourhelp.Butfuckthat,Iamoutofhere.”

Iorderedmyselfastretchlimototakemetotheairport,astheownercontinuedtotrytotalkmeintostayinguntilthemomentIgotinside.Iloweredthewindowandlookedhimintheeye.

“Ican’tstopyoubutyouaremakingabigmistake,”hesaid.

“Seeya.”

AfewmilesdowntheroadIsawaliquorstore.

“Pullover,”Itoldthedriver.

IboughtaliterofStoli.Iopeneditandthrewthecapoutthewindow.MyangeratwhatI’djustbeenthroughgrewasIprogressedthroughthebottleonthewaytotheairport.Iwasinsultedthatmycirclehadthoughtthattheridiculouscircusthey’dsentmetowouldteachmenowtocontrolmyselfbetterthanIalreadyknewhow.Itwasrude.Ican’timaginewhatmylimodriverwasthinkingthatafternoon:he’dpickedmeupfromrehabandwatchedmedownhalfaliterofvodkainunderanhour.

Attheairport,whileIwaitedformyplane,Icalledahigh-endheroindealerwhowasafriendofMarkMansfieldandMattCasselfromhighschool.ImadearrangementstomeetupwithhimthemomentIlanded;Iknewthatthefirsthitofheroinafteradetoxwouldbethefinest,soIintendedforittobeofthebestquality.AfterI’dcopped,Iwenthome,Igothigh,andthenIcalledmymanager,DougGoldstein.

“Hello?”

“Hey,Doug,it’sSlash,”Isaid.“I’mbaaaaaack.”AndthenIhungup.

I'vealwayshadtodothingsmyway

ISETTLEDINTOTHINGSWITHMEGANagainandeverythingwasfine.Ialsostartedpartyingbymyselfagainaftershewenttobed.ShehadnoideathatI’djust

kickedorbeentorehab.Thethingwas,becausedetoxhadbeenforced,Irefusedtogetclean…thoughIknewIhadto.Ididn’tintendtogetbackintoheroin—Ijustwasn’tgoingtokickitontheirterms.

IplannedatripforMeganandmetoHawaii,andIgotmyselfenoughdopetoallowmetotakemyusetoacertainpoint,afterwhichI’dkickonmyterms.SheandIcheckedintoavillaonKauai,andthemomentwegotthere,Istartedthedetoxingprocess.Iwasfeverish,sweaty,jittery,andaltogethermiserable.ItoldMeganthatIhadthefluandshebelievedme;shewashappyenoughtogoshoppingandsightseeonherown.

Ididn’texpectthiskicktobeasbadasitwas,becauseIthoughtI’dgottenthroughtheworstofitbackinTucson.Well…Ihadn’t;itwasn’teasyatall.IhopedthatIcoulddrinkitoff,butIcouldn’t:everythingtastedbadandeverythingfeltbad.Thesymptomswerewaymoreviolentthanusual:thedryheaves,thestomachcramps,theprofusesweating,theanxiety,andthecreepy-crawlingsensationsweresuchhorribleunpleasantcompany.Icouldn’twatchTV,Icouldn’trelax,Icouldn’teat,Icouldn’tsleep.I’msureMeganpurposelystayedawaymostofthetime.

Sufficetosay,Iwasmiserable.IwasinthatstateforaweekorsowhileMeganandIjustchilledinKauai.Thethingis,forasmucheffortasI’dputintogettingdrugstofeedmyhabit,everytimeI’dkicked,Ineverinvestedthenecessarytimetoobtaintheappropriatemedicinetoeasetheprocess.Italwaysseemedlikeapainintheasstogetabunchofprescriptionsfrommydoctor;italwaysseemedliketoomuchplanningbeforethedaythatIdecidedtodoit.Besides,Ialwayshavetodoeverythingthehardway,soithadalwaysbeencoldturkeyforme.

AfteraweekIgottothepointwhereIcouldmovearoundandIfinallystartedfeelingbetter.IcouldseethatIwasalmostoutofthewoods;andIstartedtomakeplanswithMegantodotheusualthingstouristsdoinHawaii.Atthesametime,IalsogotthewiseideatocallmydealerandhavehimFedExmesomesmack.

Allinallthiswasareallydumbplan,becauseatthatpointIwashalfwaythroughthedetoxprocess;IwouldhavemadeitifI’dbeenabletoholdonforafewmoredays.ButIrefusedto,plainandsimple.Inanycase,mydealercouldonlysendmeafiniteamount,soitwasnomorethanashort-termsolution.Lookingback,Imustsaythatitwasaparticularlystupiddecision.

Lookingback,Imustsaythatitwasaparticularlystupiddecision.

Thedealerinquestionwasthemosthigh-endoftheguysthatsoldmeheroin;andheconvincedmethatmyyearningcouldbefulfilledsafely,viafirst-classmail,withverylittlechanceofbeingcaught.

Iagreedtoit,andthemomentafterIdid,Irememberedsomething:Mark,theguyfromFasterPussycat,theguywe’dduct-tapedandsenttothelobbyintheelevator,hadrecentlybeenbustedforhavingsomeonesendhimdrugsthroughthemail.WhatthefuckwasIthinking?

ThenextmorningIwasalljumpy,asjunkieswillbe,anticipatingthearrivalofdrugs.IstillworriedthatI’dbebustedpickingthemup.Iweighedtheprosandconsbackandforthallmorninguntilthephonerang.

“Hello,sir,thisisthefrontdesk;youhaveapackagehere.”

“Huh?”Isaid.“Ihaveapackage?I’mnotexpectingapackage.”

“Yes,sir,youhaveapackagefromthemainland.IbelieveitwassentfromLosAngeles,California.”

Idecidedtotakeextraprecautions;Itooktheserviceelevatortothefirstfloor.ItletmeoutinaconcealedcornerwhereIcouldsneakintothelobbymaintainingasniper’sperspective.Nobodyintheareaseemedobviouslysuspicious,butIwasn’tsurewhethersomeofthehangers-aboutwerecopsornot.

Iwassure,however,thatwhateveritwasthatIwaswearingwastotallyunpresentable.Islunkuptothedesk,fromthealleybytheserviceelevator,andjustwentforit,keepingoneeyepeeled,sotospeak.

“Youknow,Igotaphonecallsayingthatsomeonesentmeapackage,”Isaid,totheentirelyinnocent-looking-but-maybe-she-knows-about-this-thinggirlatthefrontdesk.“It’stotallyfunnybecauseI’mnotexpectinganythingatall.”Ismiled…atleastIthinkIdid.

Shefetchedthepackage,whichturnedouttobeanenvelopefullofCDshidingthedope.Whensheputitdownonthecounterinfrontofme,Ifroze;Ilookedatitbutdidn’ttouchit.

“Here’syourpackage,sir.”

“Here’syourpackage,sir.”

“Isthisit?”Iasked.“That’ssocrazy,Iwasn’texpectinganything.”Ilookedallaroundthelobby,myeyespryingthecorners,searchingforcopsorfedsmovinginforthekill.“That’sreallyodd,I’mtotallysurprised.Ididnotexpecttogetapackagesenttomehereatall.”

“Well,thispackagearrivedhereforyouthismorning,sir.”Shelookedatmeoddlyandheldoutapen.“Willyousignhere,please?”

Istaredattheslipofpapersittingonthecounterbetweenus.IrealizedthatifIwasbeingsetup,iftherewasanyleveloflawenforcementwatchingthistransaction,itwouldbetheendofme,andthatonceIsignedthispaper,they’dhaveallthatthey’dneed.Ilookedupatthegirl,Ilookeddownatthepaper.Ilookedallaroundagain,tooobviously.Ididn’tdoanythingforwhatbecameaverypregnantmoment.ThenIthought,Fuckit;Isignedforit,Isaidthankyoutoher,andIduckedintotheserviceelevatorandhurriedbacktomyroom.

Meganwasstilloutsomewhereatthetime,butwhenshegotbackIwashigh,Iwashappy,andtherestofourtripwaswonderful.Callmewhatyouwill,butthatvacationtookaone-eightydegreeturnforthebetteronceIgotmymeds.MeganandIstarteddoingstuff,wewentshopping,IrentedaJeep,andwetouredsomeofthesights.

FromHawaii,MeganandIflewouttoChicagotospendThanksgivingwithhermother,whomIwasmeetingforthefirsttime.IfinishedthelastofmysmackinthehotelinHawaii,andbythetimewegottoChicago,Iwasstartingtoexperiencethetypicaljunkieitchytwitchywithdrawal.IonlyknewafewpeopleinChicago,andIranintooneofthemattheSmartBarourfirstnightthere.Thisguywasoneoftheengineerswho’dsetupourrehearsalrig,andthoughhedidn’thavealineonheroin,healwayshadtonsofcoke,sohehookedmeupwithapileofit.WhenIgotbacktoMegan’smother’shouse,Istartedshootingitinanefforttogetmyselfstraight.

Meganhadnoidea,butIcouldtellthathermomknewthatsomethingwasn’tquiterightwithme;I’mjustnotsurewhethersheknewexactlywhatitwas.Itwastoughtokeepmywholesceneunderwrapsthatholidayseasonbecausesheandhermomlivedinprettyclosequarters.Theirbedroomsweredividedbyasharedcloset;soiftheslidingdoorsonbothsideswereopen,youcouldwalkfromoneroomintotheother.Atnight,whenIwaswatchingTVand

shootingcokeafterMeganfellasleep,I’dstarttrippingout,convincedthathermomwaswatchingmefromtheothersideofthatweirddivider.Thiswentonforafewnights.Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking;Iwasshootingcokeinhertwinbed,betweenMegan’sbodyandthewall.Itwasridiculous.

WhenThanksgivingDayarrived,Itookashowerandgotreadytomeetthefamilyandfriends;andInoticedasIwalkeddownthestairsthatsomehowheroinhadbeencleanedfrommysystem—itdefiescommonlogic,butmyonlyexplanationisthatthecokehadinexplicablytakentheedgeoffonaveryintrinsiclevel.IwasoutofmymindthewholetimeIwasoverthere,regardless,andthatThanksgivingdinnerwasoneofthemostuncomfortableholidaymealsI’veeverhad,butitdidhaveitsmoments.Wehadplentytodrinkandwehadsomegoodtimes,andthenMeganandIflewbacktoL.A.andatthatpointIwasclean(ish)—orso:nodrugs,andverylittlebooze.Atleastforawhile.

BeforeIknewitChristmaswasaroundthecornerandMeganstartedplanningalavishparty:shewaswayintothedecorations,sheboughtafonduemaker,andsheinvitedallofourfriendstoherwinterwonderland.ItwasthemostbizarrethingIhadbeeninvolvedwithforalongtime,andthefactthatIwasstraightmadethatfeelingprettyhardtoignore.Thedaybeforetheparty,shecamehomewithabout$400worthofuselessgarbagethatshe’dboughtatthemarkettodecoratethehouse.Thatwasmybreakingpoint.

Iwatchedherdecorateourplace,thinkingallthewhile,Idon’tevenknowwhothefuckyouare.WehadtheChristmasparty,wehadourfriendsover;andassoonasthey’dgone,IsetabouttellingMeganthatshehadtogoaswell.Itwasn’tcool,anditwasprettyexplicit;Iflippedonherforgoingtothemarketbutthatwasn’ttherealissue:Iwasdonewithher,cut-and-dried,andIneededhertovacatethepremisesassoonaspossible.Itdidn’tmattertomehowshe’dgottenthere,itjusthadtostop.Ithadtoendimmediately.Itwenthorribly:Ilookedherintheeyeandsaid,“Goaway.”Andshewent…herfriendKaren,whohatedmeanyway,showedupandpackedherup.

Lookingback,onceIwassober,Ididn’tseeMeganthesamewayatall.Shewassweet,shewasfine…butshewasjustthere.SuddenlyshewaslikeapieceoffurniturethatIdidn’trememberbuyingandIbegantoaskmyself,eachandeveryday,whatwehadincommon.Withnothingtocloudmyvision,itfeltlikeshewasastranger.Ialsodidn’thavetimeforthetime-consumingresponsibilitiesanddistractionsofarelationship,soitwasn’thersomuchasit

wasme.Iwasgettingbacktomyoldself;Iwasgettingintoworkmode.AllIkeptthinkingwhenIlookedatherwas,Whatareyoudoinghere?You’vegottogo.I’vegotshittodo.We’vegotafuckingrecordtomake.IbelieveIsaidasmuchtoher.Itreatedherharshly,especiallyforme,becausethat’snotmystyle.ButIjustcouldn’ttakeitanymore,andthat’sthelastthatIeversawofher.I’vealwayshadtodothingsmyway;I’vegottenhighmyway,I’vegottencleanmyway,I’vebeeninandoutofrelationshipsmyway.I’vetakenmyselftotheedgesoflifemyway.AndI’mstillhere.WhetherornotIdeservetobeisanotherstory.

10

HumptyDumpty

Whenwestartedthisband,ourfuturedependedonouruncompromisingunity;ourattitudefosteredaloyalcamaraderieamongusthelikesofwhichisveryrare.Successfragmentedthatbondbygivinguseverythingwewantedandalotwedidn’tneed—allatonce.We’dmadeitintheconventionalsense;andthatmeantmoneyandmoneymeantfreedom.Wewerefreetosplinteroffonourowntrips.Wewentsofarthatwealmostforgotwhatitwasliketobeinthesameroom;wealmostforgothowwehadearnedthatfreedominthefirstplace.

Intheendwefounditagain,justintime…buttherewerelossesandgrowingpainswecouldnotavoid.Togetbacktowherewestarted,wehadtoreintroduceourselves;wehadtotrimthefat.WehadtorediscoverGunsN’Roses.Ithadonlybeenafewyears,butitfeltlikewe’dforgottenhowfunitusedtobetobeus.You’dbesurprisedhowquicklyyouforgetwhat’simportantwhenyou’vesuddenlygoteverythingyou’dneverthoughtyou’dhave.

OnceIhaddroppedthesmackagain,onceMeganwasgone,andonceIstartedhangingmorewithDuff,listeningtomusic,drinking,anddoingtheoccasionalline,itallcametogether.Itwasallnobigdeal;I’dtransitionedoutofsmacklikeIhadbeforeandintodrinkingandIwasreadytodosomeworkagain.Andthatwasgood.

Izzyhadn’tcomebackfromIndianayet—hewasn’treadyforthetemptation

Izzyhadn’tcomebackfromIndianayet—hewasn’treadyforthetemptationofL.A.—soitwasDuffandIwhostartedgoingbackdowntoMatestowrite.Wehopedtogettheballrollingbywayofourexample,bymaintainingaregularscheduleduringwhichwe’dwritemusic.Wewerefeelingoutthefoundationofafewnewsongsanddoingsomeworkonsomepreexistingones.AsinChicago,ourgoalwastogetIzzyandAxlbackintheroomwithus,butweknewthatbeforewecoulddothat,weneededtodealwithSteven.OurmanStevehadbuilthimselfupaprettypeskydrughabitandwasinfulldenial.Stevenevergrewoutofthosejuniorhighrock-and-rollfantasies,evenwhenthethreatoflosingthemwasstaringhimintheface,sowehadourworkcutoutforus.DuffandIsplitourtimebetweenjammingatMatesandmonitoringSteven,whoconvenientlyliveddownthestreetfromDuff,butwasassneakyascouldbeabouthisconsumption.WhenwewereinChicago,everyonehadstartedtoseesignsthathewasbecomingalittlebitneuroticandfrail,butbackinL.A.inmystrung-outhaze,Ihadn’tregisteredhowbadoffhewas.

AtthispointIcouldnowseethathismentalandphysicalhealthhadbecomeabitquestionable.Underthecircumstancesitwasforgivable,butIthinksomewherealongthelinewe’dforgottenthatStevenwasthetypewhoneededsomebodytolookoutforhimallthetime.Hewaslikeacuriouskidyoucouldn’tleavealoneinthehouse,whereastherestofuswerethekindofpeoplewhohadasustainablewayofdoingthings.Youcoulddowhateveryouwantedtoyourself,butyouhadtocarryyourownweight;youcouldmakeyourownmistakes,butyouhadtodealwiththerepercussions.Thatwasthewayitworkedwithus.

UntilourreturnfromtheAppetitetour,theyearsleadinguptothishadbeencasualfundrug-wise,morelikerecreationalconsumption.Noneofithadanyrealbaggageorsowethought,butatthispointithadtakenitstoll.OnceIsawhowdarkitwasgetting,Ipulledmyselfout.Stevedidn’thavethewherewithaltoseeitasclearlyortakestepstochangeit.Hewasinsuchdenial,butitwastoughforanyofustocomedownonhim,evenforDuff,whostilldidcoke.Stevenjustdidn’thaveallhisfacultiesandcouldn’tmaintainalinebetweenhisexcessesandhisproductivity.

Wedidwhatwehadtodotogethimbackontrack,butyoucouldn’ttellStevenanything.Hewouldargueandthenthrowitbackinyourface.(Infact,tothisdayheisstillarguingaboutwhyhegotkickedoutoftheband.)SometimesI’dthinkthatI’dgottenhimtoaplacewherehecouldunderstand…thenhe’dpullastuntlikenotshowingupforarehearsal.Itwasimpossibletoreasonwithhim—withanyone,Iguess,inthatstateofmind.And,really,emotionally

him—withanyone,Iguess,inthatstateofmind.And,really,emotionallyStevenwasn’tmucholderthanathirdgrader,asixthgradertops.

Now,tryingtocurtailSteve’sabusewasanawkwardsituation,tosaytheleast:hereIwas,thepotcallingthekettleblack,me,Mr.RecentlyClean,whostilldrank,layingdownthelawtoSteven.Iwasdoingnothingmorethancriticizingmymirrorimagefromtheothersideofthemirror.Iknewtherewassomehypocrisyinvolved,butIdidn’tcare—thedifferencebetweenSteveandme,nomatterwhatourchemicaldietconsistedof,wasthatIwasawareofmylimitations.Unfortunatelyhewasn’t,andGunsN’Rosesneededtomoveforwardatallcosts.

LikeIzzyandmyself,Stevenhadslippedandlosthisfootinginapileofcocaineandheroin,butunlikeus,hecouldn’tregainhisbalance.We’dgoovertohisplaceintheafternoontotrytogethimtocometorehearsalandhiseyestoldusallweneededtoknow:they’dbetinyblackpindotsthatwerewaytooeasytoseeagainsttheblueirisofhiseyes.He’dsitthereinsistingthathewasn’tonsmack,thathewasjustdrinkinganddoingabitofcocaine,butweknewdifferently.Itdidn’thelphiscausethatDuffandIalwaysfoundhisstash;hegenerallykeptiteitherbehindthetoiletorbehindhisbed.Therewasnooneelsekeepingtabsonhimbutus;he’dhadagirlfriendbutthey’dsplitup,sohewaslivingaloneashewentoffthedeepend.Wemadeanumberofattemptsatrehab,andwedidgethimtocheckintoExodusmorethanonce.Everytimehedid,though,we’dgetacallthathe’dscaledthewallorrunoffoutsomebackdoor.Ofcoursewheneverhedidthat,he’dbepredictablyirretrievableforthenextfewdays.Itmustbesomekindofrecord:intotal,duringthisperiod,Stevenescapedrehabtwenty-twotimes.DuffandIstuckbyhim,butweknewthatitwasamatteroftimebeforeheworedownwhatevergoodwilltherestofthebandhadtowardhim.

Meanwhile,somehowAxlandIhadbecomecivilagainandwerebothexcitedaboutgettingtoworkonanewrecord—Iguessitwasfishingseasonagain.AxlknewI’dsucceededingettingoffheroin,andwascommittedtostayingoffit.Aftersomanyfalsestarts,Axl,Duff,andIstartedtoregainoursenseofunityandIzzywasn’ttoofarbehind.WewereallgladtoseehimwhenheshowedupatMates.Hewasn’tthereeveryday,maybetwodaysononedayoff,butweworkedaroundallthat.Izzyisjustsoeasytogetalongwith.

HejammedwithDuff,Steven,andmeonafewnewsongs,andinthoseinstantstheoldenergycamebackanditallbecameveryexcitingandelectric.

Weallgatheredatmyhouse,andwrotemorethanhalfofbothIllusionsalbumsonacoustics,literallyintwonights.Westartedoffbygoingthroughthestuffwehadfromtheolddaysthatwe’dneverdoneanythingwith.Wereintroduced“BackOffBitch”and“Don’tCry”;wehad“TheGarden,”asongthatAxlandIzzywrotewithWestArkeen.“Estranged”wasasongthatAxlhadbeenworkingoutonpianoforalongtime—he’dbeenplayingthesamepartsoverandoverinChicagoandafterward;itwasclearthatitwasworkingitselfoutinhishead.IhadstartedwritingguitarpartsforitbackinChicago,soitcametogetherinnotimeoncewefocusedonit.

“NovemberRain”hadbeenreadytogoonAppetiteforDestruction,butsincewealreadyhad“SweetChildo’Mine,”themajorityofusagreedthatwedidn’tneedanotherballad.Besides,theoriginaldemoofthatsongwaseighteenminuteslonggiveortake,andnoneofuscaredtoconqueritinthestudioatthatpoint.IthadbeenasongthatAxlhadtinkeredwithforyears,whenevertherewasapianopresent;ithadbeenaroundforever,anditwasfinallygettingitsdue.AxlhadbeenannoyedwhenTomZutautsuggestedthatweholdituntilthenextalbum,becausethatsongmeantalottohim.Heletitgo,thoughheresentedthatdecisionforyears.

We’dhadtheroughframeworkfor“CivilWar”kickingaroundsincethatfirsttourofAustralia;Iwrotetheinstrumentals,andAxlhadwrittenandrevisedthelyricsforitseveraltimes,buteverythingfellintoplacewhenwebroughtitoutagain.“YouCouldBeMine”wasanothertrackthatwasn’tnew:itwaswrittenduringtheAppetitesessionsandIalwaysfeltthatitshouldhavebeenonthatalbum,becauseitismorereminiscentofthattimethananythingelseontheUseYourIllusionalbums.

Wehadspunourwheelsforalongtime,butoverthatcoupleofnightsattheWalnutHouse,thecreativityatthebaseofourbandchemistrycamebacktous:IzzyandIbothbroughtoutafewroughideas,andbeforeweknewit,we’dallcontributedtodevelopingthemintocompletesongs.Ihadatrackcalled“BadApples”thatwasfreshfromChicago,alongwith“GetintheRing,”whichDuffhadwrittenthemusicfor.Everyonejumpedonthoserightaway,aswellasalong,heavyguitar-riffmantraIwrotewhenlivingwithIzzythatevolvedintothesong“Coma.”Thesongwaseightminuteslong;itwasjustarepeatingpatternthatgotincreasinglymathematicalandinvolvedinitsprecisionasitprogressed.Axlloveditbutatfirstitwastheonesongthathecouldn’tcomeupwiththelyricsfor.Hewasveryproudofhisgiftforlyrics,sohewasprettyfrustratedbyit…untilonenightmonthslaterwhenthewordsjustcametohim.Wefinished

it…untilonenightmonthslaterwhenthewordsjustcametohim.WefinishedanotherepicnumberI’dbegunwithIzzycalled“Locomotive.”Andtherewas“DeadHorse,”atunewhichAxlhaddonetheguitarandlyricsforyearsearlierbeforewe’devermet.Duffbroughtin“SoFine,”completewithmusicandlyrics.Beforelong,werealizedthatwehadmorethanenoughsongsforanalbum.Inafewsessions,wemanagedtopullallofthatmaterialtogetherquicklyandrelativelypainlessly.

Istillhadnoideawhyithadtakenusthislong,butitwasclearthatassoonaswetookasecond,putthebullshitaside,andgottogetherwithoutanimosity,wefellnaturallyrightbackintothebandvibe.

Thethingthat’sfunnyabouttheIllusionrecordsisthatasidefromacoupleofsongstherearenoreallydramaticarrangementsonthematall,becausewethrewthemtogetherrealquick.TheonesIbroughtin,like“Locomotive”and“Coma,”werefullyarrangedfromthestartwhenAxlwrotelyricstothem.Withtheexceptionofthepianoepics,therestofthesongswerereallysimpleanddidn’tneedmuchworkingout.Wedidn’tspendafternoonsdebatinghowmanytimesabridgewasneededinasongorcomingupwithtrickychordsforabreakdown.Oncewegottogetheragain,wewereinsuchagoodmindframeasaband,justhangingouttogetherforthefirsttimeinquiteawhile.Wewereallgettingalongreallywell,soitwasallfunagain.

Ofcoursenothing’sperfect.Thefunnythingisthatwhenevereverythingwasgoingwell,Axlalwaysmadeitinteresting.Oneofthestickyspotsinthere-formationwasthatoncewegotintofullgear,Axlwantedtoaddkeyboardstooursound.HewantedtohireDizzyReed,thekeyboardistfortheWild,thegenericL.A.bandwhohadpracticednextdoortousinourdingystorageunitstudioatSunsetandGardner.Dizzywasaniceguy;Ijustdidn’tseeanyreasonwhyweneededakeyboardplayerinGuns.Iwasadamantlyagainstitandfeltthatitdilutedthesoundofwhatwasalreadyagreatrock-and-rollband.Pianoorelectriciscool,butI’mold-schoolandIwasneverintophonysynthesizersounds.

Axl,ontheotherhand,feltpassionateabouttheartisticevolutionthebandneededtomake.Ourconversationsweren’ttooheatedbecauseweweremakinganeffort…sosometimeswe’dcrackjokesaboutit,andheknewtherestofusdidn’twanttodoit.Allthesame,asadamantlyasIwasagainstit,hewasforit.

Sointhespiritofkeepingthingshappy,Ifinallyandreluctantlygaveinandsodidtheotherguys.Itwasn’tworthgoingbackward.Dizzybecameahired

sodidtheotherguys.Itwasn’tworthgoingbackward.Dizzybecameahiredgunandweproceededtopickonhimrelentlessly.HewasliketheRonnieWoodofGunsN’Roses.

Thatwasreallytheonlycreativeglitch.WritingthesongsforIllusionsfeltlikethewayI’dalwayspicturedanearlyStonessessiontobebackintheday;justhangingoutupinahouseintheHollywoodHillsworkingoutideastogether.ItwasgoodtohaveIzzy,Axl,Duff,andmeinthesameroomagain.Andmoreorlesssober.Imean,Ialwayshadmycocktail,butIwasn’tintoheavytipping-the-bottle-styledrinking.Itwassad,though,thatStevenwasn’treallythereforanyofit.

AsIfeared,hehadbecometheoddmanout.Atrehearsals,DuffandIhadthetediousjobofdealingwithhim.WhileAxlwasawareofthesituation,hewasn’tobligatedtowatchoverSteven24/7likewewere.AndasforIzzy,hewouldhavenothingtodowithitatall.Stevenwasbecomingaheavierburdeneveryday.

Icouldn’tdenythefactthatkickingStevenoutofGunsN’Rosesfordrugabusewaskindofridiculousandexcessivelyharsh.

WHENWESTARTEDREHEARSINGTHEmaterialthat’swhenSteven’shouseofcardscamecrashingdown.Hewasutterlyuselesswhenputtothetest:mostofthetimehe’dfadeawayfromthepropertimesignaturesomewhereinthemiddleofasongorjustforgetwherehewasaltogether.HewasjustincapableoflockinginwithDufformelikeheusedtodo.Itwasprettydire;somethinghadtobedone.Thebandfinallyhadmomentum;we’dfinallywrittennewstuffandweneededtostartrecordingandnotstagnate.Wecouldn’thaveitbeanundertakingjusttogetthroughasongatrehearsal.

That’snottosayweweren’treallypatientwithSteven.Wetriedeverythingwecouldthinkof,thoughweprobablyshould’vetakenfurtheraction…thoughI’mnotsurewhatthatcouldhavebeen.We’dgonesofarastobringinpeoplelikeBobTimmons,therehabspecialistwhohadhelpedcleanupMötleyCrüe,andotherswhowereexperiencedindealingwithextremecases.Theireffortswerefutile.

WegotanoffertoplayFarmAidinIndianaonApril7,1990.ThatgiggotusfiredupinthesamewaythatthosegigswiththeStoneshaddoneforusnottoolongbefore.Thesekindofjumpstartswouldkickthebandintogearandgetitallflowingagainbecausewhenthebandwasworking,wefiredonevery

itallflowingagainbecausewhenthebandwasworking,wefiredoneverycylinder.

Weputtogetherafewsongsjustfortheshow;weworkedupacoveroftheU.K.Subs’classic“DownontheFarm”andwefine-tuned“CivilWar.”Iwasreallyexcitedtogetoutthereandplaytogetheragain,butthingswentsouthquickly.Thesecondwewalkedoutonstage,Steventookarunuptothedrumriser,whichisaprettybigplatformthat’shardtomiss,andtookflight.Iassumehewasplanningonlandingnexttohiskit,buthisdepthperceptionandreflexeswereclearlyimpaired,soheendeduplandingaboutfourfeetshort.Iwatcheditasifitwerehappeninginslowmotion….Itwasmorethanembarrassing.Stevenhobbledthroughtheshow,andourperformancewasdodgyatbest,thoughwellreceivedbytheFarmAidcrowd.Weallknewwhyweweren’thappy:thetimingwasallovertheplace.There’sacertaingrooveandrhythmthatGunsandStevenhad,andwhenthatwentmissingthebandlostitsconfidencebecausewehadtouseguesswork.That’snotwhatthebandwaseverabout—itwasbasedonatonofcocksureness.

Therecouldn’thavebeenabetterwayforSteventorevealtousthathe’dbeenlyingaboutbeingclean—evenafullconfessionwouldn’thavecomeoffashonestlyashisplayingatthatshow.Itwasobviouswehadarealproblem.Hewasusing,andhadprobablybeenusinginhisroomupuntiltheminutebeforeleavingforthevenue.Afterward,hewasstillindenial,andasopenandsocialasever.Itwassoawkwardanduncomfortabletalkingtoaguywhoyouknowinhismindisthinkingtheexactoppositeofwhathe’ssaying.Hiswholepresentationwasdrownedinbullshit.

Atthispointthetruthwasthatifhisplayinghadbeenfine,Idon’tthinkanyonewouldhavecaredwhathewasdoingtohimself—atleastIwouldn’thave.Ifyoucanhandleboththemusicandthedrugs,morepowertoyou.Weweren’treallyconcernedforSteven’shealthasmuchaswewerepissedoffthathisaddictionwashandicappinghisperformance,andthereforetherestofus.Sincethebassanddrumsarethefoundationofanyrockband,thesituationwasverydisconcertingallaround.

FarmAidwasthelastshowweeverplayedwithhim.WhenwegotbacktoL.A.,Stevengotevenworse—Idon’tknow,maybebecauseheknewtheendwasnear,ormaybebecauseheroinisthatshrewdofadevil.Therewereafewmorerehabstints,buttheywereshort-lived,maybetwenty-fourtoforty-eight

hoursatatime.Thelaststrawcamewhenwewereaskedtodonateatracktoacharityalbumcalled“Nobody’sChild,”whichbenefitedRomanianchildrenorphanedduringtheRomanianrevolutionin1989.Wethoughtit’dbeagreatforumfor“CivilWar.”BythenwewerecompletelyalienatedfromSteven.Inthatsession,therewasusandtherewashim.Afteritwasfinished,beforeMikeClinkcouldmixit,hefoundthathehadtocutandpastethewholedrumtracktogether.Thesewerethedaysbeforedigitalrecording,soMikewasworkingontapeandittookhimhoursandhoursintheeditingbaytogetthesongtofunctiontimingwise.

Thewritingwasonthewall,andthingsquicklycametoahead.Axl’spatienceasfarasStevewentwaslonggone,sowehadtheinevitableget-togethertodiscussthesituation;withAlan’ssupport,AxlinsistedthatwegiveStevenawrittenultimatum.ItwasacontractthatStevewasforcedtosign,thatatbestwehopedwouldscarehimsoberandatworstwouldorchestratehisdeparturefromtheband.Thepaperworkwasclear;itsaidthatifStevenshoweduphightorecordingsessions,he’dbefined.Ifhedidthisthreetimes,he’dbefired,orsomethingalongthoselines.Stevensignedit,heagreedtoalloftheterms,andlikeanyonecaughtinthethroesofsmack,heignoredallofthepromiseshemadeandcontinuedthewayhehadbeen.Hemadeoneeffort—hetriedBuprinex,buthewastooweaktokickthesmackaltogether.

Inmyeyes,itseemedtomethatAxldidn’tlikeSteven.Stevenhadanunbridledenthusiasmfordrumsandrockandrollandlifeingeneral.Hewashyperandtotallyfuntobearound.ButhewasalsoblatantlyhonestandoutspokenabouthisopinionstoAxloranyoneelseintheband.OftentimeshisopinionwasinAxl’sface,whichwasn’tthewaythatAxloperated.Stevenwasunfiltered,sayingexactlywhathefeltandhedidn’tpussyfootaround.DuffandIwereusedtoitandtookSteven’scommentswithagrainofsalt,sowecouldtunehimout.ButAxlwasmoresensitivethanwewere,whichDuffandIalsounderstood.WithAxl,Ididn’twanttoslowthingsdownatarehearsalorastudiobyconfrontinghimwithhislatenessorwhatever.ButStevenwouldmakeacommentorgetinhisfaceandthatneverworked.ButStevencouldneverbecalculated;whateverheblurtedoutwasalwaystrue;itwasaninnocentsideeffectofhispersonality.Unfortunately,upagainstAxl’shyperemotionalsensitivitylevel,I’msureStevenoffendedAxlmoreoftenthannotwithoutevenknowingit.IcanseehowSteveninadvertentlypushedAxl’sbuttons;butthatsaid,Idon’tthinkAxleverreallygaveStevenhisjustcreditforwhathebroughttoGunsmusically,whichwasadynamicthatIthinkhurtSteven.ButwhatdoI

know?ThereisprobablymuchmoretoitthanthatwhichIcan’tspeakto.

AxlhadmadehisfeelingsaboutStevenclearbackinpreproductionforAppetite.Whenwereclosetowrappingthealbum,itcametimetodiscusswritingcreditsandpublishingonthesongs.WetalkedaboutitstandingonstageatBurbankStudios,andsomeoneproposedthatasabandweshouldsplittheroyaltiesevenlyfiveways—20percenteach.

Axlscowled.“There’snowayStevengetstwentypercent,thesameasIdo.Uh-uh,”hesaid.“Iwanttwenty-fivepercentandStevengetsfifteen.He’sadrummer.Hedoesn’tcontributetothewritingasequallyastherestofus.”Thatwasthecompromiseweagreedto:Axlgot25percent;me,Izzy,andDuff20percent;andSteven15percent.IthinkStevenwaspermanentlyscarredbythat.

I’mnotsureoftheexacttimetable,butitdidn’ttakelongforSteventoviolatethetermsofthesobrietycontractwehandedhim,andoncehedid,hewasdonefor.Itwasn’teasyformetoallow,becauseasI’vesaid,thesimpletruthisthatStevenneverhadthekindofstrengthtogivethatstuffupeasily—ifhe’llevergiveitupatall.Butatthatpoint,everyonehadtriedtohelphim—girlfriends,friends,managementexperts—nothingresonatedwithhimenoughtoworkontheproblem.Atthispointinparticular,StevenwasaCatch-22,becauseasmuchasIwouldhavehungaroundlongenoughtogethimtogether,ifthebandlostitsmomentumitmightmeantheendofus.Weweretoomanyvariablesandcomplexcharacters,andnowthatwewereallgettingalong,thewindowofopportunitywasopen—butitprobablywouldn’tstaythatwayforlong.Icouldn’tdenythefactthatkickingStevenoutofGunsN’Rosesfordrugabusewaskindofridiculousandexcessivelyharsh.Itwasalsosohypocritical.Thinkaboutit,itsoundslikeajoke:“HegotkickedoutofGunsN’Rosesfordrugs?Areyoukidding?Howdoesthathappen?”

AllIrememberisthatthenexttimeIsawStevewasincourt,becausehesuedus,whichseemedasinine.HewasinsuchbadshapethatIknewwhathewasdoingwhenheheadedtothebathroominthemiddleoftheproceedings.Hesuedusforacouplemillionbucksforaglitchintheexecutionofhissobrietycontract.Heneededtohaveanattorneypresentwhenhesignedit,andhehadn’thadone.Ofcourse,thankstoourattorneys,wedidn’tknowthis.IwasshockedwhenIfoundoutthatStevenwonhislawsuitandwehadtopayhimtwomillionbucks.

Asdifficultasitwas,atleastitwasover.Nowitwastimetofindanew

Asdifficultasitwas,atleastitwasover.Nowitwastimetofindanewdrummer.

THATARDUOUSTASKFELLTODUFFANDIzzyandme.WesetupshopnearAlanNiven’sofficeinRedondoBeach,inalittlerehearsalstudio,whereIrealizedaftertheveryfirstdayofauditionshowfuckingdifficultitwasgoingtobe.InthebackofmymindIthought,“Sure,anybodycanplaydrums.”Right…thethreeofusthoughtthatfindingareplacementwouldbeeasyconsideringthatoursongswereallprettystraight-ahead4/4rockrhythmswithfewfancytimechanges—howhardcouldthatbe?Afterall,ifwe’dpulleditoffwithFredCurrywhenStevenwasinjured,theprospectslookedgood.Afterafewhorribledaysoftryingtoplaywithuselesslyinappropriatecandidates,though,werealizedthedepthofournaïveté.Thewayadrummerplaysinvolvessuchapersonalfeelfortherhythmandinflectionsonthebeatthataffecttheentirevibeofthesong—andtheentirebandforwhichhekeepstime.

WeditchedRedondoBeachandreturnedtoMatestoundertakeamorethoroughsearch.WetriedoutMartinChambersfromthePretenders,whoisagreatdrummerandagreatguy,butweshouldhaveknownthatitwasn’tgoingtoworkouttheminutehewalkedinwiththathugeoctopusdrumkitheusedwiththePretenders.Itwasmore,forwantofabetterword,fantasticthanyouraveragedrumkit.Thatthinghadroundpolesthatcameoverthetopofitwithcymbalshangingfromthem—itwasjustridiculous.HewassettingitallupwhileDufftunedupandgotreadytoplaywithhimforabit;Duffwasthefrontline.Heandthedrummerhadtoclick,firstofall—iftheydidn’t,therewasnopointinIzzyormeevenpickingupaguitar.

Iwasinthebathroomsittingonthetoilet,readingamagazine,whenMartinandDuffstartedplaying,andasIlistenedthroughthedoor,Ithought,Ohboy.IwasmakingsomethingmoreappealingthanwhatIwashearingatthatmoment,whichjustgoestoshowthatputtinggreatplayersinthesameroomdoesn’tmeanthattheywillsoundgreattogether.Makinggreatmusicismuchmorecomplicated;it’saboutchemistryandthecomminglingoftheplayers’stylisticticks.It’snowherenearassimpleasthesumoftheparts;it’smorelikebuildingFrankenstein’smonster:youneedingenuity…andlightning.

WhenIcameoutofthebathroom,Duffwasstillplayingbutheshotmealookthatsaiditall,soneedlesstosay,Martindidn’tworkout.Wewerefucked,

becauseatthetime,Martinwasourbestbetattheendofashortlistthatwe’dalreadyexhausted.ToSteven’scredit,andunbeknownsttomost,thefeelandenergyofAppetitewaslargelyduetohim.Hehadaninimitablestyleofdrummingthatcouldn’treallybereplaced,analmostadolescentlevitythatgavethebanditsspark.

Allatoncethemomentumwe’dbuiltoverthelastfewmonthscametoastandstillandalthoughIdidn’tshowit,Iwaspanicked.Ithought,Thisisit,we’redone.IwasconvincedthatGunsN’Roseswouldbreakupbecausewecouldn’tfindadrummer.AndIwasworriedaboutwhatIwoulddowithmyselfifwedid.

DURINGTHISTIMEDUFFANDIWEREprettyinseparable.HehadsplitupwithMandy,sowe’dgooutwhenthebandwasn’tworking—moreoftenthannot,toBordello’s,aclubownedbyformerCathousefounderRikiRachtman.Thatplacewasgreat,therewasalittlejamroominthebackwhereabluesbandwouldgetupandplay,andIwouldusuallyendupsittinginonafewsongs.Thatplacewassomuchfun—we’djustgothereanddrinkandjam.Butthetruthis,evenifyou’refamousandeveryonelovesyouandthisandthat,afterawhilethatsceneoranyscene,tomeatleast,becomessortofmiserable,dull,andmonotonous.Afteryou’vedoneittwice,maybethreetimes,itisnothingbutboring.Eventothisday,theHollywoodrock-clubscenedoesnothingforme;it’sallthere,andasmuchastimesandstyleshavechanged,it’sallstillthesame.Ifyou’vejustplayedagigandyouneedtoblowoffsomesteam,it’sgreat,butifyou’rejusthangingaroundtown,it’slikebeinginsomeblown-outcliché:fromthechicksondown,it’saclichéofwhatallthekidsthinklifeisgoingtobelikeiftheybecomerockstars.It’snotamiragethatIwanttobeapartof.

WhatI’mgettingatisthatgenerallyIpreferredtostayathome,drinkallday,listentorecords,andplayguitarandwritemusic.Iwasn’treclusiveinthewayI’dbeenonsmack,butinmymind,Ihadswitchedovertoworkmode,sogoingoutandsocializingwasthelastthingonmymind—Ihadcommittedtobeingproductiveandgettingourbandtothenextlevel.OnoneofthenightsthatDuffcoaxedmeouttothisplacePeanutstojamwiththisgreatlittlebluesband,weendeduphangingoutwiththisgirl,Pilar,thathepickedup.PilarwasasexyMiddleEasternorLatingirl—I’mnotsurewhich.Shehadafriendwithherthat

IbarelyspoketowhosenamewasRenee.AndReneehadthistoo-cool-for-schoolattitude;sheheldherheadhigh,withthismightier-than-thoustance.Shewasreallygood-lookingandsheknewit,andthatwholevibelockedmeinlikeatractorbeam,becauseanygirlthatwasgoingtofuckingmakemylifedifficult,anygirlthatwashardtoget,wasthegirltogoforinmymind.InLemmyKilmister’sinfamouswords,“Thechaseisbetterthanthecatch.”ReneehadnointerestinwhatIdidoranyofthenotorietythatcamewithit;shewasn’tarockchickbyanystretchoftheimagination.

Shewasamodelandaspiringactressandveryindependent.WithinacoupleofweeksIhadditchedtheWalnutHouseandwaslivinginherplacefull-time.Shehadagreatspotthatherdad,beforehepassedaway,hadboughtforherdownonValleyVista—Ithinktherewasadinetteset,abed,andacouchinthewholeplace.Here’showwespentourtime:I’dgetupinthemorningandfuckinglieontheflooranddrinkvodkaandsmokecigarettesuntilshegotup.She’dgodowhatshehadtodothatdayandI’ddothesameandthatwasourlife.Iwatchedalotofcookingshows;TheGallopingGourmet,GreatChefsoftheEastandWest,andTheFoodNetwork.Itwasthestartofalifelongobsessionwithcookingshows,thoughtothisday,Idon’tcookatall.Atnightwe’dorderout.

Thatwasmyhomelife.Meanwhile,westillhadthisquestforadrummergoingon.

ONCEWE’DEXHAUSTEDALLLOGICALpossibilities,Iforonewasnotgoingtoletthehuntforadrummerendtheband.Duff,Izzy,andIrackedourbrains.Wediscussedthebestdrummerswe’dseenlately,butnobodyappropriatecametomind…untilonenight,Ihadanepiphany.IrecalledseeingTheCultafewmonthsbeforeattheUniversalAmphitheaterandbeingmesmerizedbytheirdrummer.Hewasfuckingamazing;Iwasstandingatthesoundboardandwascompletelycaptivatedbyhisplaying.Ididn’tpayattentiontotherestofthebandatallforthewholegig.Hisplayingwasextremelytightandhissoundhadenormouspresence;itwasbig,bombastic,anddeliveredwithintenseauthority.ThemomentIrememberedhim,Icouldn’tbelievethatI’dsatthroughsomanyshittyauditionswithoutrealizingthatIknewjusttherightguy.

MikeClink,ourproducer,hadworkedwithMattSorum,thedrummerinquestion,before,soIcalledhimimmediatelyandlefthimamessage.Alittlelater,Iwasabitdrunk,lyingonmyback,myheadhangingupsidedownover

later,Iwasabitdrunk,lyingonmyback,myheadhangingupsidedownovertheedgeofRenee’sbed,watchingthephoneonthefloorandwaitingforittoring.Finallyitdid.Ipickeditupinstantly.

“Hello?”Mikesaid,typicallysoft-spoken.

“Hey,it’sSlash,”Isaid.“So,hey,listen,doyouknowthedrummerfromTheCult?Weneedadrummer,andIsawthisguyandhe’sgreat,andI’mtryingtofindoutifhe’savailable.”

“Well,Idon’tknow,”Mikesaid.“Letmemakeaphonecall.”

“Okay,yeah.”

Thephonerangagainintheearlyevening.“Slash,”Mikesaid.“Here’swhatIfoundout.He’spossiblyavailable.Doyouhaveapen?Ihavehisnumber.”

Ihadn’tmovedmuchthatday;Iwaswaitingforthiscall,focusedonit,becauseIknewthiswasright.Iwrotethenumberonthesheets,oronthewalloronmyhand,I’mnotsurewhich.

Idialedandwaited.Mattpickedup.

“Hello.”

“Hey,Matt,isit?ThisisSlash,”Isaid.“I’mfromGunsN’Rosesandweneedadrummer.Areyouinterested?”

TwodayslaterMattcameintorehearse,andwithinthecourseoftwoorthreesongs,Duff,Izzy,andIrealizedthatwe’dfoundourman.We’dfoundourselvesaplayerwithaninnatefeelallhisown,bothinstepwiththerestofusandindividuallystylized.Hehadthepower,thechops,andthevibetofillthevoid—andaddtowhattheband’ssoundwasabouttobecome.

IthinkDuffandItookMattouttoaskhimifhewantedtojoin—Ican’trememberwhere—probablytheRainbow—butwetookhimoutanddrankanddidsomeblow,thatkindofthing.Hefitrightin.Hewaspysched;itwasthesituationthateverytouringmusiciandreamsof.There’snoeasiergigtowalkintoforarealrock-and-rollplayer.AfterhangingoutwithDuffandme,itwasclearthatMattthoughtGunswasthebiggestbandonthefaceoftheplanetaswellasacrewofrelentlesspartiers.Thepaywasgoodandtherewerenorules,

wellasacrewofrelentlesspartiers.Thepaywasgoodandtherewerenorules,exceptforone:allyouhadtodowasplaywell.

ButMatthadtolearnahellofalotofstuffprettyfast.Wehadthedemosofthirty-sixsongsthatweplannedtorecordforthealbums.Sincethosetapesweren’treallyenoughtogoon,Duff,Izzy,andIhadtoteachhimeverythinginareasonablyshortamountoftime,andbecauseofthat,therestofushadtobecomeveryprofessionalveryquickly.Therewasalotofremorse,atleastonmypartandsurelytheotherguys’,aboutlettingStevengo;butwhenMattcameintoit,hebroughtnewlifetotheproceedings.Therewasalightattheendofthetunnelwhenitlookedlikeitmightgodarkforever.

AFEWOTHERTHINGSWEREGOINGONduringthisperiodasGunsgeareduptoreemerge—wemadeafewappearancesthatareworthyofnote.OneofthemwasthenightthatDuffandIacceptedourAmericanMusicAwardonbehalfofthebandforBestRockAlbum.IhadneverpaidattentiontotheGrammysortheAMAsoranyofthatstuff;IneverwatchedthoseshowsonTVortookanactiveinterestinanyofit.DuffandIwentanyway—mostlyforthedrinks—andwereallyhadnoconceptofthefactthatbeingnominatedmeantyoumightactuallywinsomething,andifyoudidwinyouwereexpectedtogetonstageandsaysomething—tothecrowdaswellastheTVaudienceathome.

Atthispoint,IwasdatingReneeandDuffwaswithPilar,andtheAMAsweresomethingtotakethegirlsto.Alltheyhadtoservewaswine,andwehadatleasteightbigcupsapiece.Thewholethingwasprettyboringandstiff.We’resittingtheretalkingwhenallofasuddenGunsN’RoseswascalledforAppetitewinningBestRockAlbum.Weweredumbfounded.Thespotlightshotoverourseatsandwestaggeredupthere.OnceIrealizedwe’dwon,Iwantedtothankallthedifferentpeople,soIthankedZutaut,Niven,allthosepeopleatGeffenallthewhiledroppingcountlessfuckscausedbythewineandmynervousness.Ihadnoideawhattheprotocolwasattheseceremonies.Anyway,Iwasafewnamesinwhentheycutthemike.Ikepttalkingforasecond,untilIrealizedit’dbeenshutoff.Wewereescortedbacktodopicturesandhavethepressconference.Iwasbuzzed,Iwashavingagoodtimeandgavethemallthemiddlefinger.

Thenextday,thisAMAthingwasallIheardabout.Iwasoverwhelmedbythecontroversybecausetothisdaytheincidentstilldoesn’tmeanthatmuchtome.Iwas,however,responsiblefortheseven-seconddelaybeinginstitutedatall

me.Iwas,however,responsiblefortheseven-seconddelaybeinginstitutedatallfutureliveawardceremonies;plusDickClarkwouldn’tspeaktomeforeightyears.Iwasn’tallowedattheAMAsuntilonlyayearorsoagowhenIwasaskedtopresentsomeaward.

Itwasn’tintentionalbutnonethelessitsentamessage:theGunsspiritwasaliveandwell.

BACKATTHESTUDIO,WEHADTHIRTY-sixsongs,whichwasmorethanenoughtofilladoublealbum.Iwantedtochoosethetwelvebestofthethirty-sixandhonethemdowntoperfection,butIletitgobecauseaslongasweremovingforward,Iwashappy.Axlwantedtorecordallthirty-sixandgothedouble-albumroute.Hedidn’twanttositonthesetunes.Iunderstoodthat:manyofthemwereoldbythispoint—they’dbeenheldoverfromourlastalbum,andsomewereevenolder.Also,therewasawholebunchofnewsongsthatrepresentedwherewewereatthatmomentintime.Itmightberetrospecttalking,butthegeneralconsensuswasthatwewerecleaningtheslate,gettingouteverythingwehad.Asawhole,thesesongswererepresentativeofsomethingimportant:theband’spastandpresent.Ithadbeensuchanincrediblejourneyandtheonlywaytoexpressitwasallinthisbodyofmaterial.

Mattwasgreat;hewastightwithDuffandme;Izzywasaround,butnotlikeheusedtobe.Notonlywashe100percentdeadsober,hewasalsoverymuchanti-alcoholandantidrugsatthatpoint.WhenIzzymetMatttheygotalongfine,butitwasundertheconditionthatthedecisionhadalreadybeenmade:itwasallokay,butIthinkIzzyfeltdictatedto—andhehatedthat.Izzywasprettyfragilefromthetimehecamebacktothebanduntilthedayheleft,andasIlookback,thiswholeshiftprobablydidn’tsitentirelywellwithhim.Whenwehadrehearsalwewereallthereasabandanditwascool,somethingwasoff.Izzywasn’thappy…buthewasn’tsayinganything,andAxlhaddistancedhimselffromtheday-todaymechanicsofthebandsomuchthataslongaswehadadrummerandeveryonewasthereandplayingtogether,hethoughtwewerecoolandreadytomoveforward.

ThefirstrecordingwithMattwas“KnockingonHeaven’sDoor,”fortheDaysofThundersoundtrack(whichalsoendedupontheIllusionsalbums).IrememberdoingthesoloforitonmywaysomewhereandIuseda’58GibsonExplorer.Itwasanamazingtake,Ijustranintherewithmygirlfriendandsome

friendsintow,pickeduptheguitar,andreallyletthesolosing:Iturnedthetonedownonthebasspickup,Ilockedinandletitscream.Ireallylovethewaythatonecameout—itwasveryemotionalyeteffortless.

“KnockingonHeaven’sDoor”wasalsothefirstsongthatwecouldlistentoandgetanideaofwhatthebandsoundedlikewithournewdrummer.Itcameoutgreat,buttherewasadefinitedifferenceintheoverallfeelofthenewGunsfromtheoldGuns.Wehadlostalittlebitofthemayhemandpunkrock,thatrawchaotic,seat-of-the-pantsfeel.Insteadwesoundedmoreepicandsolidandhuge.Thatwasagoodorabadthingdependingonwhoyouasked.Inmyopinion,Iwasjusthappytobemovingahead.

Next,wewentinandMattlearnedallthirty-sixsongsatbreakneckspeed,basicallybyplayingthemwithuslivebecausetherewasnoothermaterialtoreference.WebookedourselvesintoA&MinHollywoodandrecordedthirty-sixsongsinthirty-sixdays.Betweentakes,we’dgotoCrazyGirls,thestripbaracrossthestreet,whichI’msorrytosayisnolongerthere.Atnightwe’dgooutcarousing,thenshowupthenextafternoonanddoitallagainonanewsong.Itwasagreatthirty-sixdays,duringwhichDuffandIrealizedthatMattwasbothanincredibledrummerandourbrand-newpartybuddy.BeforethedrugthinggotoutofhandandbeforetheincidentwithSteven,thereweresomedarkperiods,butwe’dcomethroughthat:wewerenowveryfunctionalalcoholicsandoccasionalcokeusers.Actually,Idoubtthatitwasoccasional—MattandDuffdidalotofblow.Ididn’tdoasmuch,butitdidn’tmatterbecause,likethem,I’dbuiltupmytoleranceofeverythingtothepointthatwewereallaperfectlyproductive,chemicallydriven,andveryprofessionalband.

BeverlyHillsHighshouldbeproud:SlashonstagewithLennyKravitz.

IWASGETTINGOUTTHEREANDCIRCULATINGalotmore,too,bythispoint.DuffandIranintoIggyPopduringourdowntimeandheaskedustoplayonBrickbyBrick.WewentdowntomeethimattheRainbow,wherewegotintohiscarandlistenedtothedemos,whichwasverycool.IggyisDuff’sultimateheroandtherewasalittlebitofhistorythereonmyendbecauseofBowie—heandmymomhadgonetovisitIggyattheCedarspsychward.WeshowedupinHollywoodandlaiddownsometrackswithhim:“HomeBoy,”“PussyPower,”andasongthatIggyandIcowrote,“MyBabyWantstoRock’n’Roll.”ItwasoneofthemostfunsessionsI’deverdone.Notlongafterthat,wealsodidthevideowithhimfor“HomeBoy.”

Thiswasarealhonorforus;itwasanothersignthatGunswasgettingbackoutonthesceneandthatwewerebeingtakenseriouslyasmusicians.Peoplewantedtoseeusplainandsimple.Atthatpointin1990,AppetiteandLieshadbecomehugecommercialsuccesses.Thisnewfoundattentionalsodrewthespotlighttomeasaguitarplayer,whichtooktheformofafewcallstoourmanagementoffice.Itwasflatteringtodiscoverthatothermusicianshadstartedtogivemecreditforbeingafairlygoodguitarplayer.

OnecollaborationIdidatthetimewaswithLennyKravitz.Ialreadyknewhim;heandIattendedBeverlyHillsHighatthesametime,andalthoughIwasincontinuationwhilehewasaregularstudent,weweretheonlytwohalf-blackhalf-whitemusiciansintheschoolthatIknewof.DuffandIwerefans,andourfavoriterecordofthemomentwasLenny’sdebut,LetLoveRule.Whenwewereintroducedatsomeawardsfunction,Iwasecstaticwhenheaskedmetoplayonhisnextrecord,MamaSaid,whichhewasinthemidstofwriting.ShortlythereafterwemetupinalittlestudioonRobertsoninL.A.whereIputasoloon“FieldsofJoy.”AsIwaswarmingupintheloungethatday,IplayedafunkyguitarriffthatI’dcomeupwithrecentlybuthadn’tfoundaplaceforinanyofthesongsIwasworkingonatthetimewithGuns.Itwasjustanotherofmyexercisesatthetime.

“Heyman,whatisthat?”Lennyasked

“Idon’tknow…Justsomething,”Isaid.“It’stoofunkyforGuns,butIlikeit.It’scool.”

“Yeah,man.Don’tforgetit.Bringthatintotherehearsalroom,”hesaid.

“Yeah,man.Don’tforgetit.Bringthatintotherehearsalroom,”hesaid.“Let’sworkonit.I’dliketowritesomelyricstoit.”

Whenitcametimetoactuallywriteandrecordthesong,LennyflewmeouttoNewYork.HelivedinManhattanbuthe’dsethimselfupinastudioacrosstheriverinHoboken,NewJersey.Itwaswherehe’drecordedhisdebutalbum,andwherehewasdoingthebasictracksforhisnextalbum.Wetookthetraintherefromhisapartment,andheplayeddrumswhileIlaidtheguitardownforwhatbecame“AlwaysontheRun.”Itwasalotoffun,veryrawandstrippeddown,thewayitshouldbedone.There’snotalotgoingononthattrack,butitsoundedreallygood;heputthebassandvocalsonlater.ThestudiowaslikeLenny’scastle;everyinstrumentwasinplace—hecouldjumpfromguitartobasstodrumsandgetitalldownashisinspirationdictated.

IhadbroughtReneewithmeonthattripandwewerestayinginmidtownatahotelclosetoLenny’sapartmentandhadspentthenightbefore,aSaturday,carousingextensively.Itwassummertime,itwashotashell,andonceIgottoLenny’splacethatSundaymorning,Idiscoveredthatduetosomeoutdatedrulecalledthe“bluelaw”onNewYork’sbooks,nobarsorliquorstoreswereopenatall.

Itwasn’texactlyhowIpicturedthiscollaborationgoingdownanditwasabouttobeaproblem.IrememberhangingaroundLenny’sapartmentwaitingforhimtogetready.Theplacelookedliketheworld’sbiggestclosetofvintageclotheshadvomitedallovertheroom:thereweregarmentseverywhere,coveringeveryavailablesurface.Itwastena.m.,Iwastakingthiswholescenein,andIwascravingadrink.

“Heyman,doyouhaveanythingtodrink?”Iasked.

“No,man,Idon’tthinkso,”Lennysaid.“Youwanttosmokeajoint?”

“That’scool.Icouldreallyuseadrink,though,”Isaid.“Canwestopbyabaroraliquorstoreontheway?”

“Idon’tknow,man,”hesaid.“Idon’tthinkso.That’sallclosedonSunday.”

“Ohyeah?”Isaid,gettingalittlebitnervous.“Doyourneighborshaveanybooze?Ineedadrink,man.”

Lennydidhisbest;heprocuredwhatseemedlikeathimblefulofvodkafromhisneighbor.IdowneditbutitwaslikethrowingaBand-Aidatagunshotwound.AswehoppedonthePATHtraintoHoboken,whichisatripofabouttwentyminutes,Ibegantoexperiencealcoholdetox:myhandsshook,Iwaslight-headed,irritable,andanxious.Itwasn’tsomebigmystery—Ijustneededafuckingdrink,likenow.Myreserveofcivilitywasequallydry.

“HeyLenny,man,wehavetofindsomevodkarightaway,”Isaid.“Ican’tplayunlessIgetafuckingdrink.”

Lennycouldrelatetoadegree,Isuppose:heneededhispottocreateandwritemusic—theonlydifferencewasthathisbodydidn’tmalfunctionifhedidn’thaveit.Everybaronthewaylookedlikethey’dnotbeenopensince1955.Whenwegottohisstudio,Lennysenthispeopleoutinsearchofbooze.I’mnotsurehowtheygotit,buttheyreturnedwithsomevodkaaroundtwelve,andoncetheydid,wesettledin.Werecorded“AlwaysontheRun”inunderanhour;theraw,spontaneousenergyofthattrackisrightthereinthefinalproduct.

THEACTUALRECORDINGOFTHEGUITARSandvocalsoftheIllusionalbumshappenedattheRecordPlantinLosAngeles.Thiswasagreattimeformeasaguitarplayer—wehadsomanysongsandsomanypossibilitiesforsoundsandtechniquesinournewmaterial.Iwasreallyontopofmygameatthatpoint,easilycoaxingoutthesoundsIwanted,allofitcametomesofluidlyduringthosesessions.Ihadsomecoolguitarstocalluponbecause,forfirsttimeinmylife,Ihadthefundstoassembleanarsenalofthem.

AtthetimeIhada1958GibsonFlyingV,Ihada1958GibsonExplorer,andafewTravisBeans,afewsortedacoustics—Martin,Gibson,Taylor,etc.IhadthisgreatSpanishflamenco-styleacousticandacoupleofDobrosandahandfulofvintageLesPauls,plusmystapleLesPaulreplicawithitsSeymourDuncanpickups.I’drentedaloadofguitars,butformostofthetracksIusedaLesPaul.ThereweremomentswhenIneededaTravisBean,usuallywhenIwasdoingextensiveslides(“TheGarden”),oraDobro(“YouAin’ttheFirst”),aswellaswhenIneededtouseatremolobar(“YouCouldBeMine”).Itwasagluttonousguitarexperienceforme(Ieventooktwentyguitarsontheroad);Iwasdeterminedtogototownonallofthem,deadsetongettingallofthosesoundsonournewalbuminsomeway,shape,orform.Ihadthirty-sixsongstoplayon—thatmeanttwostraightweeksofrecordingguitarparts.Iwasin

seventhheaven,justabsorbedinmyguitars,totallyinmyelement.Itwasgreat,theroomsoundedgreat,andIlovedthestaffattheRecordPlant.

OneeventthatgoteveryonetalkingduringtherecordingofIllusionsIandIIwasthedaytherewasahugecommotioninthealley.ItturnedoutthatthecopsfoundadismemberedarmandaheadintheDumpsterbehindthestudio.AllIknowisthatwedidn’tdoit,butIzzyturnedtheeventintoalyricon“DoubleTalkingJive.”AndIgottodoagreatSpanishflamencothingonthattrack,whichwasagastodo.Thatsonghasareallycoolelectricsolo,too,thatmorphsintoanacousticflamencogroove.

Therewereafewsongsthatwereveryinvolvedguitar-wiseonthosealbums.“Estranged”wasabig,longsong.IusedaLesPaulGoldToponit;Irecordedallofthemelodiesontherhythmpickupwiththetoneturnedallthewaydown.“NovemberRain”wastough,too,aswasanotherAxlsongcalled“Breakdown.”Thosewereallpianodrivenandtheyneededaccompaniment;theguitarandbasspartshadtobethoughtoutanddoneprecisely.Thosesongswereallprettyfuckingcool,Ihavetosay,buttheytooksomework.

“NovemberRain”wasrecordedinonedaybutweputinlonghoursaheadoftimetogetallofthearrangementsjustright.ThefunniestthingisthattheguitarsolothatendedupontherecordistheexactsameonethatIplayedthefirsttimeIheardthesongyearsbefore.That’saconsistentthemethroughoutGunsN’Roses:prettymucheverysoloontherecordisthesameexactoneIplayedthefirsttimeIranthroughit.It’sjustthewaythesongfelttomeeverytimewegottothatsection.Sothroughouttheband’shistory,whenwewereplayingthesongsliveoronrecord,giveortakeafewnoteshereandthere,mysolos,whichhavealwaysbeenmoremelodiesthanflat-outbustingmoves,havealwaysbeenthesameseriesofnotesIheardwithinthemusicfromtheverystart.TheendresultwasthattherewasalwaysasenseoffamiliaritythatIenjoyedwhenwe’dplaythosesongsandgettothosesections.

Anyway,“Breakdown”wasverycomplicatedasfarasgettingallofthedrumandguitarpartsjustrightbackatAandM,aswellastheintricatepianochanges.It’sacomplexsong,andasmuchasitsoundslikewepartiedourwaythroughrecording,wewereveryfocusedwhenitcametowork.ThatsongwashardonMattespecially—helostitafewtimestryingtogetthedrumsperfect.LikeIsaid,wedidasongaday—butsomedayswerelongerthanothers.

Wehadintricatesongs,wehadcomplexsongs,andIthinkonlybandslikeMetallicaweredoinganythingsimilartowhatweweredoing.TheyseriouslyfocusedonmeterchangesandallthatonTheBlackAlbum,andIdon’tknowwhattheirprocesswas,butwewouldgetourframeworktogether,thenjustjamonit.Ifwemadeamistakeordidarealtrainwrecksection,we’dgobackanddoitagain,andusuallywe’dpullittogetherreallyquickly.Everyoneinthebandhadashortattentionspanatthatpoint,andnoonewantedtoworktoolongononething.We’dspendafewdaysonthearrangements,butwhenitcamedowntorecording,we’ddoonerun-throughandthentheredlightwason.Itwasagiventhattherewouldbesomeguitaroverdubsandsomevocalsdonelater,butwhenitcametothebasicguitar,bass,anddrumtracks,allofthoselivetakeshadtobekeepers.Noonewantedtoembarrasshimselfbycausingustodoitoverandoverwhiletheotherguysinthebandwaitedforyoutogetitright.That’swhathappenswhenyouhavegoodmusicians,goodchemistry…justtherightpeople,inagoodfuckingband.

GunstookovertheRecordPlant.Itwasdefinitelyindulgent,butwehadalotofworktodo,andwehadareally,reallygoodtimebeingGunsN’Rosesagain.IdidguitarsinonestudioandAxlmoreorlessmadetheotherstudiointoanapartment,becausehehaddecidedthathe’dgetmoreworkdoneifhelivedthere.Hemovedhisexerciseequipmentin,aswellasabedandcouches—itbecameaglorifiedloungewhereheandhisentouragemightbecomfortable.WedefinitelyhadalotoftrafficcomingthroughtheRecordPlantinthosedays.

Inmyopinionnoneofthatwasconducivetogettingourworkdoneanyquicker.Allthesame,whilerecordingtheIllusionalbumswehadaverybohemian,1960skindofscenegoingonaroundthestudio;thecombinationofourfriends—musiciansandotherwise—plusalltheotherpeopleweknewmadeforaverycoolbackdrop.AnygivennightImightbelayingdownguitarsinonestudiowhileAxlwasdoingvocalsintheotherwhileacastofinterestingcharactershungaroundparticipatinginonewayoranother.ShannonHoonfromBlindMeloncamebyoftenbecausehewasanoldfriendofAxl’sfromIndiana;hesangbackupon“Don’tCry,”whichmadethatsongallthemoresoulful.

Thebiggestchangeintheband,asidefromMattreplacingSteven,wastheoverwhelmingpresenceofkeyboardsandsynthesizers.Axlhadintroducedascreamingsynthlinein“ParadiseCity,”backintheAppetitedays.Thatwasthestartofit,Isuppose,andIwasopposedtothat,too.AsImentioned,ontheIllusionalbumsAxlwasinsistentonamajorpianoandsynthpresence.After

we’ddonethebasictracks,afterI’ddonemyguitarparts,onceitwastimeforAxltodohisvocals,hespentalotoftimeaddingsynthesizerparts.Hewaslikeakidinacandystorewithallofthesebanksofkeyboardshe’dhadinstalledinthestudio.He’dsitthereforhourstogettherightsoundforonesectionofasong,andremember,thisguywasnotstrungout,hewasnotwasted,althoughhewasstonedonpotalot—whichprobablymadehimobsessoverthatstuffevenmore.Axlwasthatintothegrandioseproductionthing,whichwasnotsogoodontheonehand,butallthingsconsidered,ontheflipsidehehadsomuchintegrityaboutitthathe’dspendhoweverlongittooktoensurethatthesonicdramawasperfect.Whatheendedupwithattheendofthedaywasfuckingbrilliant.Idon’tknowifitrepresentedGunsinmyhead,butitsoundedamazingregardless.Whenwedid“LiveandLetDie,”itwasallsynths—thosehornsarenothorns.WhatAxldidtherewasreallycomplex;hespenthoursdialingallofthatshitin,gettingthenuancesjustright,andIhavetogivehimthat.Hedidthesamefor“NovemberRain”withallofthosefuckingstringarrangements—theywereallsynth.I’veheardsongswithrealstringsthatsoundlessauthentic.Theonlytimethatwebroughtinoutsidemusiciansonthosetworecordswerethegospelsingerson“Knockin’onHeaven’sDoor”andtheharmonicaon“BadObsession.”Theonlyothereffectthatwasn’tsynthesizedwasthedefibrillatorattheverybeginningof“Coma.”Yeah,thatwasreal.

AFTERIWASDONEDOINGMYGUITARtracks,IvacatedStudioBandAxltookitoverandturnedtheentireRecordPlantintoacomplexwherehisfriendscouldhangoutwhilehespentafewweeksfinishinghisvocalsandaddingtheaforementionedsynths.Therestofusweren’ttoohappyaboutthatbecauseeverydaythatsetupcostusalotofmoney.Itwouldhavebeenfineiftherewasactivityalldaylong,butnoneofussawanythinggettingdoneonaconsistentbasis.Intheend,Axlfinishedhiswork,butfuck,thosetworecordscostafortunetomake—andI’mtalkingstudiotimealone.

ThiswaswhenAxlstartedgettingobsessiveaboutthedetailsofeverythingtodowithGunsN’Roses,startingwiththepublishingsplitsofthesongsonIllusionIandII.Thedaysofbandmembersgettingastraight20percentwerelonggonebecausethereweresomanyoutsidewritersthisgo-round,especiallyontheoldsongsthatexistedbeforeGunsthatwerenowintheequation,suchas“BackOffBitch.”WealsohadtofactorinMatt,whowasn’tafull-fledgedmember:hehadn’tbeenaroundduringthewritingofthesongs,thoughhe’d

playedonallofthem.Intheend,becauseofcontributorslikePaulHugeandWestArkeenandDelJames,Axlinsisteduponsplitsthatwerelike22.75percentor32.2percentpersongforuscoremembers.Itwasmathematicallyworkedoutaccordingtowhowrotewhat,whichmadeiteasyinthesensethatwe’dneverhaveanythingtofightover,butatthesametime,itwasporedoverandcomplicatedthingstoacorporatedegree.

ThesongsweworkedoninChicagoalsoposedaproblembecausethosemonthsthereweresodisjointed,andforthemostpart,Axlwasn’teventhere,sothesplitshedevisedforsongslike“GardenofEden,”“Don’tDamnMe,”and“GetintheRing”weretotallyarbitrary;DuffandIwrotetheminstrumentallywhenAxlwasn’tevenintheroom.Therewerepiano-drivensongswithcomplexguitarpartsthatI’dhadtowriteandarrangethatIwasn’tevenbeinggivenasongwritingcredit.Itwasthesamewith“NovemberRain”and“Estranged,”tobespecific.Itconcernedme,tosaytheleast,butIchosetooverlookit.

WHENITCAMETOGETTINGTHEALBUMmixed,wehadadecisiontomake.ThompsonandBarbiero,who’dmixedAppetite,werenolongerateam.Thetemperamentofthebandaswenowweredidn’tsuitthem,ortheirtemperamentdidn’tsuitus,Ican’trememberwhich.WedecidedtohireBobClearmountain,aguywhosecredentialsspokeforthemselves:he’dmixedeveryonefromtheKinkstoBowietotheStonestoSpringsteen.WehadalotofmaterialreadyforhimtostartonwhileAxlcontinuedtoworkonwhatwasn’tfinishedyet.ClearmountaincameinandtalkedendlesslyaboutQSound5.1,atechnologythatwasstillinitsformativestages.Hewasreallyintoit,andIrememberthathegotAxlprettyexcitedaboutit,too.Thatwasallgreat,butIwasn’thavingitatall;QSoundsoundedlikeawashtome.Ididn’tcarethatBobinsistedthatitwasthefuture;tohearitproperlyrequiredfivespeakers,andespeciallybackthen,intheearly1990s,mostpeoplehadonlytwo.AndifyoulistenedtosomethingmixedinQSoundthroughtwospeakers,itsoundedlikeanindistinctmess.Itwasoneofthosemuch-hypedthingsthattimeprovestobenothingbutashort-term,bridgetechnology:muchliketheminidisc,andtheLaserdisc,QSoundwasaweak,impermanentversionofwhatwastocome.

Thatsaid,ratherthanmakeabigsceneandgetthewholebandupinarms,whichwouldhaveresultedinAxlandmearguingtheprosandconsofQSounduntilwewereblueintheface,Ibitmylipandhopedthatthiswouldworkout.Anditdid;Clearmountainshothimselfinthefootalmostimmediately:one

Anditdid;Clearmountainshothimselfinthefootalmostimmediately:oneafternoonwediscoveredanotepadofhiswherehe’dnotatedallofthedrumsamplesheplannedtomixinoverMatt’sdrumtracks.I’mnotadrummer,soIcan’texplainthetechnicalinsandouts,buthe’dbroughtinsamplesthatwouldchangeMatt’ssounddrastically.WeshowedittoMattwhohadnoideaandhewasn’ttoopleasedatall—andthatwastheexcuseweneededtofireBobClearmountain.

WeendeduphiringBillPricetomix.WerespectedBill’srésumé,tosaytheleast:he’dmixedthefirstPretendersrecord,theSexPistols’NeverMindtheBollocks,andasfarasIwasconcerned,thatwasallthatIneededtoknowtosignoffonhim.BillworkedoutofastudioinLarchmont,California,andImadeitmypersonalmissiontobethereeveryday,watchinghimwork,contributingwhereIcould,andensuringthatthemixeshedideachdayweresentouttoAxl’shouseinMalibuimmediately.

Itwasalong,tediousprocess:I’dshowupintheearlyafternoonandlistentothemixthatBillwouldhaveup.OnceitwasataplacewhereIwassatisfiedwithit,we’dmakeatapeofitandsendittoAxl.We’dhangaroundthestudioorstartworkingonthenextsongwhilethemessengergotitthere.Whenhedid,Imustsay,Axlwastednotimeinlisteningtothetapeandcallinginwithhiscomments,whichwereusuallyveryhelpful.We’dthenmakewhateveradjustmentsneededtobemade,mixitdownagain,andsendanothercopyouttohim.Andsoon,songbysong.Ittookforevertogetthemalljustright,butitwasworthit.

DURINGTHISPROCESS,THEANIMOSITYbetweenourmanager,AlanNiven,andAxlcametoahead.Therestofushadbeentryingtosquashitforawhile,butAxl’sissueswithAlanhadbeenbrewingforyears—sincethemomenthefoundoutthatAlanalsomanagedandproducedandcowroteGreatWhite.TherewasalsothefactthatAlanwasopinionatedaboutalotofthingsandAxldidn’talwaysagreewithhispointofview.SoattimesAxlfeltlikehewasbeingforcedtodothingsthathedidn’tnecessarilywanttodo.AxlthoughtthatAlanhaddevelopedanego,thathe’dgonefromaMalcolmMcClarentoaPeterGrant.Andreally,Alan’segowasasinflatedasours.

IhadbeenAlan’schampion,however,untiloneincidentswayedmeagainsthim.OnenightwhenReneeandIwereathishousewithhimandhiswife,Camilla,AlansaidsomethingreallyinappropriatetoRenee.Idon’trememberwhatitwasexactly,butitwascreepyenoughthatweleftimmediately.Inever

whatitwasexactly,butitwascreepyenoughthatweleftimmediately.Ineverforgotit,andIwon’trepeatithere.AsmuchasIlovedAlanforwhathe’ddonetohelpus,Ididn’tprotesttoomuchwhenAxlmovedtoousthim.IknewitwasgoingtohappenbutIdidn’tthinkitwouldbethetippingpoint.Lookingback,Ifeelthatshiftwasthemoment,thepauseatthepinnacleoftheband’ssuccess…andthestartofitsdownfall.

Allthesame,IsawDougcoming.HehadmadeaplaceforhimselfinAxl’slife,andonceAxlhadmadehisfeelingsaboutAlanclear,Idon’tthinkit’sacoincidencethatDougwasrighttheretopickupthereins.Hehadbeenstrategicallymovinguptheladderfromthebeginning.Hewaslikeanambushpredator.ThoughattheendofthedaynooneismoreresponsibleforthedemiseofGunsN’RosesthanGunsN’Roses,DougGoldsteinwasacatalyst.Hisdivide-and-conquertechniqueswereinstrumentalinachievingourend.

Ifyourundownthehistoryofthedemiseofgreatrockbands,moreoftenthannotyou’lldiscoverthatmanyofthemdumpedtheiroriginalmanagerontheirwaytograspingthebrassring,andoncetheydid,itallgotfuckedup.I’mkindofpissedoffthatwefollowedthattradition.

Asself-destructiveaswemayormaynothavebeen,anddespitethecommunicationbarriersbetweenthemembers,wehadthedesiretoplaymusicandmoveforwardatallcosts.Thatanoutsideinfluencecompletelydisruptedthebandreallyisashame.

Itwasadreamcometrue…butaswepreparedforourmonstertour,thelastthingonourmindswasbeingcarefulwhatwewishedfor.

ITHINKITTOOKTWODAYSFORDOUGGoldsteintobeelectedtheofficialnewmanagerofGunsN’Roses.Atthetimewehadnotfinishedmixingtherecord,butDoug,fromthestart,wantedtomakeanameforhimselfintheindustryandmakemoney,andweweretheperfectvehicleforthat.Webookedaseriesofgigsstraightaway,andonstrategicdaysoff,wouldgointothestudiotocompletethealbums.Forawhile,ourtourscheduledelayedthereleaseofthealbumsindefinitely.

Wecertainlyhadourfun,though.DougtookusoutofthestudiotoplayRockinRioinBrazilin1991,whichwouldbeMattandDizzy’sfirstshowwithGuns.Itwasincredible;weplayedtwonightsinarowto180,000fansinMaracanãStadium.Itwasafestivalthathadgoneonforweeks,whereeveryone

MaracanãStadium.Itwasafestivalthathadgoneonforweeks,whereeveryonefromMegadeathtoFaithNoMore,toINXS,Run-D.M.C.,andPrince,hadplayed.Itwassomethingelse;I’mnotsurethatI’veeverseenamoreinsaneGunsN’Rosescrowd—andthatissayingsomething.Whenwekickedintothebridgeof“ParadiseCity,”peopleswan-divedfromtheuppertierofthestadium—seeminglytotheirdeath.Therearen’twordsthatcandotheirdegreeofintensityjustice:wehadhadpeoplestackedoutsideofourhotelsodeepthatwecouldn’tleave.Wecouldn’tevengodowntothepool,becausewhenwedid,somehowpeoplewouldlaunchthemselvesoverthefifteen-footwallandrunupandbasicallyattackus.Theydidn’twanttohurtus,buttheydefinitelywantedtobreakapieceofusofftokeepforthemselves.Itwasbizarre.Wecouldn’tleaveourrooms,andourwives,orgirlfriends,oranywomenseeninourcompany,weretauntedand,basically,markedfordeathbythesefansofours.

Wedidabunchmoredates.WehadthreetheaterdatesinL.A.,SanFrancisco,andNewYork,withvariousbandsopeningforus,suchasBlindMelonandFaithNoMoreandRagingSlab.AttheNewYorkshowweshotlivefootage,whichmadethebasisofthevideoforTheTerminator2soundtrack.ThatvideoalsofeaturedshotsofArnoldSchwarzenegger,theTerminatorhimself,attheRainbow.WethenstartedatourwithSkidRowintheUnitedStates,includingtwonightsattheInglewoodForuminL.A.Itellyou,beingthathugeofabandwasfuckingkiller.HavingSkidRowwasmykindoftour:totaldebauchery.

Waybeforewefinishedmixingandmasteringthealbums,Axlwascommittedtogettingtherightimageforourcoverart.Sincehe’dbeentheonewhobroughtthatbrilliantRobertWilliamspaintinginforAppetite,wetrustedhimtofindtheartforthesetwoalbumsaswell.Onceagainhedid:theimageforthenebulousmixofsongswe’dworkedupwasbyMarkKostabi.ItwasayoungDutch-lookingfigureina“thinker”posethathadbeeninspiredbyaRenaissancepainting.Atthetime,Axlreallywantedthatimagetobethetwofacesofthosealbums.Intheendwehadoneinred,oneinblue,andtherestofuswerejustlike,“Okay,cool,man.”Thatmadethetwoalbumconceptmorepalatable.

Thatwasoneofwhatmightbeconsidered“big”decisionsthat,asaband,weweretooquicktopassofftoourleadsinger.ButIdon’tregretitatall:ifthatwaswhereAxlwasgoingtothrowdownthegauntlet,itwasallgood.IwasmuchmoreconcernedthattheIllusionalbumswouldbereleasedseparatelysothatourfansdidn’thavetospendthirtyorfortybuckstogetournewmusic:theycoulddecideiftheywantedoneortheotheralbumandbuyaccordingly.

Hopefullythey’dwantboth.Intheend,UseYourIllusionIsoldmorethanUseYourIllusionII.

Whenthealbumswentonsale,fanswerelinedupoutsideofrecordstoresallaroundthecountry.IcanvouchforthefactthattherewasalinedowntheblockatTowerRecordsonSunsetthatnightbecauseIdrovepastthereonmywaytotheairportwithRenee.IhadthelimopullinandwesnuckinthebackdoorandwerebroughtuptothesamelittleofficeabovethesalesfloorwhereI’dbeendetainedforshopliftingwhenIwasinjuniorhigh;Ilookeddownatallthekidsonlinetobuytherecordsthroughthesameone-wayglassthatsomemanagerhadwatchedmethroughthedayIgotbustedstealing.Itwassurreal.

Therecordswenttonumberoneandnumbertwotheweektheywerereleased,whichwasarecord.Andthentheystayedthere.Therewasfanfareeverywhere,andweneededtogetorganizedforourtour.Itwasgoingtobebiggerthananythingwe’ddone.

Thenewmusicwasmuchmorecomplicated,sobringingittothestagewasgoingtorequireaddedmusicians.Iwaselectedtheunofficialmusicdirector,inchargeoffindingbackgroundvocalistsandhornplayers.Ihadahardtimeswallowingtheconceptofthreeguysintuxesblowingbrass,soIhiredhotchicksinstead.Ofcourse,good-lookingbackupsingerswereanecessityaswell.Isortofdiditalltongueincheek.WealsobroughtinTeddyZigZag,thisgreatbluesplayerI’djammedwithcountlesstimes,toplayadditionalpianoandtheharmonica.ActuallyIreliedonTedtorecruitallofthefemalesessionplayersandhedidanamazingjob.

Aswepreparedtotakeoffagain,Ihadalottodowiththestagedesignaswell.Ihelpeddesignaprettyefficientandgood-lookingstagethatwewouldliveonforthenexttwoandahalfyears.Therewereramps,littlestagesovertheampsforthegirls,akeyboardarea,andapianothatcamefromunderthefloorforAxl.Wealsohadacoolgratingforafloorsothatlightscouldshinefrombeneathusit.

Wewerehands-onforthewholedevelopmentofthatbig-assstageweendedupwith.WehadtheGunsN’Roseslogoonthefloor,whichwascool,too.Itwasfuckingincredibleforustohavethemoneyandthepublicdemandtodesignourultimateperformancevehicle.Itwasadreamcometrue…butaswepreparedforourmonstertour,thelastthingonourmindswasbeingcarefulwhatwewishedfor.

wishedfor.

SlashintegrateshisBMXmovesintohisguitarplayingontheIllusionstour.

11

ChooseYourIllusion

I’veexperiencedextremehighsandlows,androdethemalltotheend.Butwhenthey’resoclosetogetherthatthey’revirtuallyinterwoven,itisalienating.Thatissomethingelsealtogether;suddenlytheoncefamiliarseemsstrange,andnothingfeelsstable.Asakid,I’dstaredindisbelieffromthesideofmanystagesthat,tome,werebiggerthanlifeitself.NowIwasplayingonanevenbiggerone,withmyband’slogoemblazonedonthefloorbeneathmyfeet.Wehadarenasfulloffanswaitingtoseeuseverywherewewent,allaroundtheworld.Wereleasedtwoalbumsonthesamedaythatdebutedatnumberoneandnumbertwo.Itcouldn’thavebeengoingbetter.Andbackstage,behinditall,weweresplittingapartliketheatominanA-bomb.

WhenIlookbackonitnow,Icanseetherootsofthewholething,butatthetimeIdidn’thavethatkindofperspectiveatall.Itwasalwaysthere,butinthepost-Appetiteera,theconditionreallycameintoitsown:AxlbecameaDr.JekyllandMr.Hyde.ItwasonethingduringtherecordingoftheIllusionrecordswhenhewasholingupintherecordingstudioandbeingexcessivelyoverindulgent;noneofuslikedthatmuch,butwewerewillingtoallowit.Wecertainlydidn’tthinkitcouldgetworse.Thosesessionswerethetimeswhentherestofusbegantoletthosethingshappenagainstourbetterjudgment.Itwastediousyetstillfun,butwewerekiddingourselvesthinkingthatsituationwasallgoingtobefineoncethealbumwasreleased.Itwasreallytoughformebecause

IfeltveryclosetoAxlforperiodsoftimewhenwewereworkingtogethertowardacommongoal,andthen,notmuchlater,I’dfeellikewewereonoppositesidesofafence.Itstartedareallove/hatesituationbetweenus.

AxlandIhadaprettyrockyrelationshipfromtheverybeginning,whichcontinueduntiltheverylasttimewespoke,forthesimplereasonthatwehavesuchdifferent,differentwaysoflookingatandhandlingthings.Ibearhimnoillwill;Iknowthathisversionofeventsiseverybitasviableasmine…justdifferent.IttookmealongtimetoevensortofunderstandAxl—ifIeverdidatall—letalonepredictwhatmadehimreactthewayhedid.Iwantedtoknowwhatmadehimhappy,whatpissedhimoff,whatinspiredhimcreatively;allofthosethingsareessentialknowledgewhenyouworkinsuchcloseproximitywithsomeoneinacreativeendeavor.

Earlyon,whenwefirstmet,whathedidwouldsometimestakemebysurprise.Werelatedtoeachotherbecausebothofuswererebelliousandanarchistic,butIcouldneverunderstandwhyhetookrebelliontothepointthatitmadehislifedifficultfornorealreason.Icouldunderstandstandingupforwhatyoubelieveinandthatconflictoftenresultsfromthat.ButAxltookittoadegreeofself-sabotagethatIjustdidnotcomprehend.Ispentalotoftimetryingtosortthatout,tojustunderstanditintellectuallyinsomeway,untilIrealizedthattherewasnorhymeorreasontoitwhatsoever.

IwasdrawntoAxllikeeveryoneelseisbecauseheissuchanamazingsingerandperformerandhassuchpowerfulall-aroundcharisma.Ialsoadmiredthefactthathealwayshadapointofviewthathefeltstronglyaboutandwasalwayssosincereaboutit.He’sabrilliantlyricistandsuchareallytorturedartistthathewonmeoverbecausemymentalityhasalwaysbeentorootfortheunderdog—andthatwassuchamajorpartofhisbrilliance.

IlearnedtotakethebadwiththegoodasfarasourfriendshipwasconcernedbecauseAxlhadalotofstuffgoingon.We’dhavetheseveryin-depth,personalconversations,especiallyduringtheperiodwhenthebandwasstartingoutandwelivedtogether.ThereweremomentstherewhenIlovedhimtodeath,whenhewasjustsocoolandwehadreallyclose,heartfelttalksthathewouldlead.Itwascooltogettoknowsomeonelikehim,becauseIcangoforyearswithoutsayinganythingabouthowIfeel,butAxlisnotlikethatatall;heneededsomeonetocommunicatehisfeelingsto.We’dhavethesegreat,peacefulone-on-onesaboutwhatbotheredhimandwhatwasonhismindwhenthestaticdieddown.We’dtalkaboutpersonalstufffromhispast,allthethingsthat

dieddown.We’dtalkaboutpersonalstufffromhispast,allthethingsthatconcernedhim,interestedhim,hisgoalsforhimselfandfortheband,whathewantedtodowithhislife.ItwasagreatinsightintosomeonethatIalreadyadmired,andIlikedhimalotduringthosetimesbecausehewashumanandvulnerableandIfeltlikewereallyconnected.

TheflipsidetoAxl,theHydetohisJekyll,wasthatonceyoufeltthatyouhadastrongbondgoingwithhimhe’ddosomethingthatcompletelydefiedwhatyouknew.Oneofthegreatthingsaboutourbandwasthatwealwayshadoneanother’sback,regardlessofthesituation,butthatbecamehardtodowithAxleventually.Heneverdidanythingdirectlytome;hedidthingsthatjeopardizedtheentirebandanditsstandingamongourpeersandourfans.ThatwassomethingthatIcouldneverunderstand.ButthatnevermatteredmuchbecauseAxlwasalwaystheretoexplainitawayandhealwayshadalottosayaboutwhyhedidwhathedid.

Thelongerthistypeofbehaviorcontinued,though,theImoreIharboredmistrustwhenitcametohim,becausetheguythatI’dhavethoseintimatetalkswithwasnotthesameguywhowouldmakewhatIconsideredinconsideratedecisions.Itwasacontradictionthatbecamehardformetohandle.InsomeinstancesAxl’sreactionstocertainthingsweredetrimentalonlytotheband—theyweren’thugeatfirst;usuallytheywereworthcompromisingovertofurtherourcollectiveprogress.IzzywasalwaysverycalmaboutdealingwithAxlandI’dhangwithIzzyalotduringthosetimes.Duff,too,hadhiswayofdealingwithAxl,whichwasalsoprettymellow.

Steven,ontheotherhand,usedtogetirate,becauseasfarashewasconcerned,Axl’sbehaviormadenofuckingsenseatall.AsI’vesaidbefore,Stevendidn’tunderstandhimanddidn’thavethecapacitytounderstandhim,sohe’dreactdirectlyatAxl.ButformypartIputalotofhoursintotryingtounderstandAxlandwherehewascomingfrom,becauseforourbandtosucceed,ithadtobeus,united,againsttheworld.Wehadtokeepourrankstight.WheneverAxldidstuffthatbelittledtherestofus,itputdistancebetweenuswherethereshouldhavebeennone.Inmyopinionitweakenedourfoundation.

Thissitutationwentbackandforthforages,wherewevacillatedbetweenbeingunifiedandbeingcompromised.Duringthemakingofthefirstrecord,theseincidentswithAxlweren’tsodramatic.Asthebandgotbigger,though,hisdemandsgotbigger.Andastimewenton,wedevelopedahabitofappeasinghim.Ifitwasn’tthatbigofadealintheshortrun,we’dlethimhavewhatever

him.Ifitwasn’tthatbigofadealintheshortrun,we’dlethimhavewhateverhewanted;we’dtellhimwhathewantedtohear.Butitestablishedapatterninwhichhegotusedtogettingwhathewanted.

Oneofthehardthingsabouthimbackinthedaywasthatwhennooneelseagreedwithhim,Axl’sretaliationwasn’teasy:he’dthrowsomething,knocksomethingdown,leavethebuilding,orwalkaway,fuming,downthestreetandquittheband.Intheheatofthosemoments,youcouldn’treasonwithAxl;hewaslikeakidhavingatantrum.Itmademewonderaboutthedynamicsofhisupbringing.I’minnopositiontogiveawaythedetails,butfromwhatAxltoldmeofit,hischildhoodwasveryrough.

Whenwewerestartingout,hisbehaviorwastolerablebecausewewereallmovinginthesamedirectionandwecouldjustifythecompromiseswehadtomake.WhenwegotbackfromthefinallegoftheAppetitetourtwoyearslaterandallthroughthebusinessofgettingtogetherandeventuallyworkingtogetheragaininChicago,Istartedtoseethelesssensiblesideofhimcomeoutmoreandmore—that’swhyIleftthosewritingsessions.AxlneverunderstoodwhyIleftChicagobecausehethoughtweweregettingsomuchdone,butthetruthwasthathisnegativeenergywasjustreallyhardtoworkwith.IknowI’mnottheonlyonetofeelthatway;almostanyonewhoeverworkedforuswouldsaysomethingsimilar.Thereasonthatthepeopleworkingforushungintherewasthesamereasonthatthebandhunginthere:therewerethesegreat,endlesslyamazingmomentsthatmadeallofthenegative,reallydark,hardmomentsworthit.Axlwassoself-centeredattimesthateveryonewasaffectedbyit.Icanonlyassumethattherestofusbalanceditout.ButwhatdoIknow?Well,Idoknowthis:Axldefinitelyhashisversionofeventsthatiseverybitasvalidasmine.

WHENTHEBANDHEADEDINTOTHESTUDIOtorecordtheIllusionrecords,everythinggoingonbehindthescenesgotmuchworseveryfast:therewassomuchunnecessarymoneybeingspent,andnooneaddressingtheissue,becausenoonewantedtogothere;themoodwasthattouchy.Thetruthis,nooneinthebandgraduatedhighschool,letalonehadadegreeinpsychology;noneofusknewhowtoeffectivelygetthroughtoAxl.Itcouldbeeasytodosometimesifyouhungoutwithhimquietlyinhisspace,onhiswatch;youcouldsortsomestuffoutunderthoseidealconditions.Actually,itwastheonlywaytodiscussanythingwithhim.Anyotherapproachwasn’tconstructive;usuallyallitdidwasdoublethedamageandsethimoffworsethanhe’dbeenbefore.

Theproblemthataroseformepersonallywasadeepbitternessathavingtodealwiththissituationatall;IstoppedwantingtoeventrytoreasonwithAxlanymore.Ifoundmyselfworkingveryhardtoaccomplishsomethingverysimple:IusedtohavetogoandtalktohimatlengthaboutthingsIdidn’twanttotalkaboutjusttobeabletoaddressonesimplebandissue.Itbegantofallonmyshoulderstohandletheseday-to-daydecisionsthatrequiredAxl’sinputandafterawhileIjustdidn’twanttodoit;Iwantedtohandthatresponsibilityofftosomeoneelse.Ijustwantedtoplaymusic.

DougGoldsteintookoverthatroleoncehespentenoughtimewithusontheroad.Hewatchedhowweallinteractedverycarefully,andsteppedintoplaythepartoftheguywho“dealtwithAxl.”Dougplayedalotofgamestogetthingsdone:he’dhavethenecessaryconversationswithAxl…butnotthewayanyoneinthebandwouldhavedoneit.ThewayIseeit,Dougwasintentonmakingthingshappenforthewrongreasons.HewasthereinthefirstplacetomakehimselfmoneyandtoworkhiswayuptheindustryladderbyestablishinghisreputationasmanagerforGunsN’Roses.He’dtellAxlwhateverheneededtoanddowhateverittooktokeepGunstogethernotbecausehecaredaboutusatall,butbecausehavingusasaclientwasessentialtohisreputation—butofcoursethat’snomorethanmyopinion.

IsawDoug’struecolorsprettyquickly,Imustsay.WhenhesteppedinandreplacedAlanNiveninMay1991,justaswewerebeginningtotouragain,Ididn’tthinkhe’dhelpmediatefortherightreasons—theband’sbestinterests.Nonetheless,IleanedonhimtohelpdealwithAxl.HecouldgetusoverwhateverobstaclewasinourwayasfarasAxl’sdemandswereconcerned,butitwasano-winsituation,becauseitwasclearthatDougwasn’ttellingAxlwhatheneededtohearforourgreatergood.Axlneededtobetalkeddown,ifanything,notappeased.Becausethathadgoneontoolong.Dougwasnevergoingtodothat,though;hewasonlygoingtosaywhateverworkedintheshortterm.Again,thatwasmyopinion,atleast.

IntwoyearsGunshadbecomeawhirlingdervishofmiscommunicationthatspentmoneylikeitwaswater.AndeverydayDougwouldtelltherestofusthathewasgoingtostopitall,yetnothingchanged.Alltherestofuswantedtodowaskeepmovingforwardasaband,tohaveagoodtimeandgetthingsdone.Tomethatneverseemedlikesomethingthatshouldbethathardtodo.

Apermanentshiftinthemoodofthebandcameatthefirstmentionofthe

contractsandtheownershipofthebandname,allofwhichfirsthappenedwhenStevenwaskickedout.Axlinsistedthatowningthebandnamewassomethingweneededtolitigate,andmakingour“identity”a“commodity”leftusfeelingdictatedto—whichwassomethingthatneverwentoverwell.ThatlegalarrangementdamagedoursenseofmutualrespectbecauseitmadetherestofusapartfromAxlfeelprettytakenforgranted.Wecouldtoleratealotbecauseweweresoeasygoing,butanunrecognizedtensionwasbuilding,andthecontractissuebroughtittoahead.Eventhen,wenevertalkedaboutit,becausewe’dgottenwellintothehabitofblowingthingsoff,butIknowIzzyfeltit;IknowDuffandIdid,too—we’dalllookatoneanothersidewayswheneverthesubjectcameup.

THEEXPANDINGGAPBETWEENAXLandmeandbetweenAxlandtherestofusgotprettywideduringtheprocessofhavingtheIllusionrecordsmixed.AsI’vesaid,AxlwouldbeathishouseandI’dbedownatthestudioandI’dhavethemixofeachsongsentouttheretohimonceitwasdone;thenI’dwaittogethisinput.Allthingsconsidered,wewereonacollectivecreativehigh,buttherewasn’texactlyaspiritofsolidarityinthatarrangement;itwasaone-sidedrelationship.Still,tome,itwastolerable.Subconsciously,IthinkIbegantoseethebandasoneguysittingonathronehighaboveandcompletelyapartfromthecrowdofpeoplehustlingaroundbeneathhim.

ThefirsttouchysituationIgotintowithAxlcameafterIgotonthecoverofRollingStonefollowingthereleaseoftheIllusionrecords.TheimpressionthatIgavethewriter,whichwasalsotrue,wasthatwewereabandwhohadexplodedsoquicklythatthreeyearslaterwewerestilltryingtocatchuptowhatwe’dbecome.

Axlgotaholdoftheinterviewandhereadit,andfromwhatIunderstand,hewascoolwithit,oratleastdidn’tseeanythingwrongwithitatfirst.Butapparently,uponfurtherreviewhefoundsomethingIsaidinsulting.Atleastthat’swhatIthink…actuallyIdon’tknowwhathappenedthere.

ThenexttimeIsawAxlwasattheLongBeachArena,whereourentirestagesetupfortheIllusionstourwasfullyassembledandhewasnotspeakingtomeatall.IfI’dbeensodeludedastothinkthatitwasjustmyimagination,hemadesurethatIknewhewaspissed.Ihadgivenhimthisreallycoolstraitjacketforhisbirthdaynottoolongbeforeandhe’dbroughtitwithhimthatday,justso

hecouldmakeapointofleavingitonmyampwhenheleft.

Wedidn’ttalktoeachotheratalloverthenextfewdaysasthebandranthroughthoserehearsals.ItwasexactlythetypeofeggshellwalkingthatbeinginGunsN’Roseshadbecome.Thevibewasbad;Ijusttriedtodomythingwithoutissueeachday.Allthingsconsidered,IwasveryconcernedbecausethetruthisthatI’mmoresensitivethanIseemtobe.IworriedaboutwhatwasmakingAxlsoangrybecauseIhadnoideawhatI’ddone;hewasn’tsayinganything,andnooneelsekneweither.Iteventuallycametolightasmuchasitcould…andittookahugediscussiontoworkitout.

Wedidamazingthingseverysinglenightthatweregodlike.

SOTHATWASTHESTATEOFOURBANDaswesetoffonourlongesttourwithourmostintenseproductiontodate.Thetouringwasfuckingexciting—itwaswhatkeptustogetherthroughtheincreasinglyfrequentroughspots.Afterwegotourstageshowtogether,backupsingers,hornsection,andall,anddidaweek’sworthofrehearsalswitheveryelementintact,suddenlywefoundourselvesinSouthAmerica,beforeacrowdof180,000atRockinRioII,onJanuary20,1991.Wedidn’tevenhaveanewrecordoutyet;weweretheresolelyonthestrengthofAppetiteandLies,whichbythispointwerefourandtwoyearsold,respectively.

DuffandSlashenjoyingtheMGMGrandjet.

Weflewdownthereontheprivate727ownedandleasedbytheMGMGrandHotelinVegas,andthatwasit—wehadtohavethatthingfortherestofthetour.Itwasprettyornate:ithadalloftheselittleprivateloungesand

thetour.Itwasprettyornate:ithadalloftheselittleprivateloungesandbedrooms;itwasagreatcrashpad.Anditwasthebestwaytogetfromcountrytocountrybecauseyoutookoffandlandedonyourownscheduleandyoucircumventedthestandardentryprocedure.Thepaperworkwouldbehandledwhileyousatontheplane,andIdon’tthinkcustomsofficerseverboardedandsearchedusonceinthetwoyearsweleasedtheplane.AsmuchasIwasgladtohaveit,liketherestoftheguysintheband,Ididn’tthinkwewerenearlybigenoughtowarrantthatthing—I’msureAxltoldDougweneededitatallcosts,whichprobablysealedthedeal.

Thattourwasagreattime:DuffandIhadournewpartybuddyMatt,andnomatterhowmanydayswe’dstayup,wecouldalwaysplaythegig.Wejustfeltlikewewerekingsoftheworld;wehadagoodtimewitheverythingandwealwaysdidourjob.Izzy,unfortunately,wasshell-shocked;hewastryinghisbesttokeepfarawayfromourwholepartyingscene,sothattourfromthestartwasn’tasmuchfunforhim.AndAxl…well,Idon’tknowwherehisheadwasat;Iwon’tpretendtounderstandwhatwasgoingonwithhimthen,now,orever.ButIdoknowthatweallcametogetherandenjoyedwhatwecouldn’thavewithouteachother:themutualhighofperformingonstageeverynight.

Allthesame,webegantogoonlaterandlaterasthetourprogressed.ThatwasanAxlthinganditwasn’tjustoneortwooccasions,itwaseverynight.Thathitme,onapersonallevel,ashisbiggestbetrayalever.It’snotlikeabandhastocatertotheiraudienceorfeelasiftheyareattheirmercy,butitisaband’sjobtoplayforthepeoplewhohaveboughtticketstoseethem.Itbecameamajorissuewithme.WhenI’maskedwhyIquitGunsN’Roses,Icanthinkofthreereasons:thefirstwasthefactthatonthattourwealmostnevertookthestageontime;thesecondwascancelingshowsfornogoodreason;andthethirdistheinfamouscontractawardingAxltheband’snameshouldweeverbreakup.Thatcontractwasarealslapintheface.We’llgettoallthatinjustalittlebit,butatthetimeIjustthought,Takethefuckingnameandshoveit.

AllofthoseconditionspointedtoasituationwherethebandandeverythingarounditwasarrangedtobeunderAxl’scontrol.Startingwiththenameissueandmovingontothefactthathewantedeveryplayerunderacontractthatcouldbeterminatedfor“badbehavior”—thisreallywasn’tahealthything.Norwastheinconsideratetreatmentofthepeoplewhocamebythethousandstoseeus,andthecrewandeveryoneinourentouragewhohadtoworkovertimeeverysinglenightthatwewentonlateandlater.Itbecamereallyhumiliatingformetocontinuebecauseasmuchaswewerealwaysconsideredabrashrockband,wewerealwaysknowntotakecareofourbusiness.Itsuckedforthebandandthe

werealwaysknowntotakecareofourbusiness.Itsuckedforthebandandthecrewthatwecouldn’talwaysdoourbestbecausewewerehandicappedbysituationsthattherestofusweren’tdirectlyresponsiblefor.

Thereisprobablynobetterwaytobuildupresentmentortomakeatouringensembleoranyotherkindofcollectiveendeavorhate-heavythanbypromotingalackofrespect.I’mnotonetogetangrythateasily—youhavetoreallypushme—soIremainedaselasticasIcouldgoingthroughthistour,butitstartedtowearonme.ThereweresomanygreatbandopportunitiesthatwereshotdownleftandrightbecauseAxlrefusedtotakethem—usuallythosedecisionsweremadebetweenhimandDougandsometimestherestofuswerejustinformedlater.Yet,atthesametime,thebandwasamazing,andanyonewhowenttooneofthosemagicGunsnightsduringthetwoandahalfyearsthatwetouredwasblownaway.Wewereanunrealbandwithanunrealsinger;Axlwasjustamazing.Despiteallofthistensiongoingonbehindthescenes,Istillhadsomeonstagechemistrywithhimthatwasincredible:wedidamazingthingseverysinglenightthatweregodlike.Therewerenightswhencertainmomentswewouldhitgavemegoosebumps.

Allinall,itwasaverytoughup-and-downcycletodealwith.That’smysideofthestory;there’sAxl’s,ofcourse.I’msurehe’dsaythatwedranktoomuchanddidtoomanydrugs.That’strue,ofcourse;IcanonlyvouchformyselfwhenIsay,yes,Idid,butallthingsconsidered,neveronceinthehistoryofthebandwasashowevercanceledorstartedlatebecauseoftheguysintheband.Regardlessofanyone’shabits,weback-linemusicianswerealwaysthere.Therewereafewclosecallsandafewshowsthatmighthavebeenprettysloppy,butwearetalkingaboutarock-and-rollband,afterall.TherewerecomplaintsthroughoutthetourfromAxl’scampaboutwhatweweredoing—“we”beingDuffandMattandme—andIzzycomplainedaboutourways,too.Theycansaywhattheylikeabouthowwewereliving;ourhabitsdidn’taffectthegreatermachineatallwhenitcametogettingthejobdone.Ofcoursethat’smypointofview;IamquitesurethatAxlandtheotherguyshavetheirsthatmightdiffertremendouslyfromwhatIhavetosay.

I’MNOTGOINGTOEVENPRETENDTHATIremembereverydetailofthetwoandahalfyearswespenttouringUseYourIllusionIandII.EvenifIdid,Idon’tthinkrecountingeverygig,everyhighlight,everymemory,andeverymilestonewoulddoanyofitjustice:listingitallwouldmakeitseemwaymoreboringthaneven

thedullestdayeverwas.I’mjustgoingtohitontheshows,the“incidents,”theconflicts,andtheultimatehighsthatstandoutamongatwo-and-a-half-yearrunthatwassuchathrillandsuchawhirlwindofgoodandbadthatI’mdauntedbytryingtorelatetheexperienceatall.

Thestartofthetourwasintenseandexciting;wewerewalkingintoanamazinglyhugelimelightandhadthousandsofpeoplecomingtoseeus.Ihadneverexperiencedthatfeelingsodirectly.Wehadplayedtomassivecrowdsatfestivalsbefore,whichisonething:usuallyweweresecondorthirdbeforetheheadliner,sotheenergywashighthen,butitisquiteanotherthingtogooutandplayanhourandforty-fiveminutestothreehoursforeightythousandpeoplewhoaretherejustforyou.

Iusedtospendmytimeafterthegigswalkingaroundthevenue,checkingoutthesizeoftheemptyarenasandthescaleofourstageandproduction,andIwasnevershortofamazed.Ihadplentyoftimetodothateverynight,becauseusuallyittookusaslongtoleaveasitdidforustogeton—butthat’sanotherstory.Let’sjustsaywecouldn’tallgountilthe“timewasright.”

Inanycase,I’dseenenoughstageproductionsonagrandscalesinceIwasakidthatIwasrarelyimpressed,butI’dwalkaroundandcheckoutoursetupwithstarsinmyeyes:tobepartofthatrealitywasadreamcometrue.Weowethankstothegreatcrew,alloftheamazingguyswhoputitallupandtookitalldowneveryday.I’dsitandwatchthemdisassembleit;alltheunionpeople,loadingthesemassivestagecomponentsintoafleetofsemitrucks—itwasfuckin’bitchin’.Wewereonarunatthatpoint,onsuchahighthateventhenegativestuffwasovershadowedbyhowawesomeitwasforuseveryday.Unfortunately,thatintense,routinehighsolidifiedapattern:thepissed-off-to-elatedyinyangwe’ddoneforsolonghadgottenustheresohey…whychangenow?Allthingsconsidered,wekeptitupprettywell;itwasn’tuntilwaylaterthatitinevitablyexploded.

AftertheRiogigs,westartedoffwiththreewarm-upclubgigs—withBlindMeloninL.A.,FaithNoMoreinSanFrancisco,andRagingSlabinNYC.RagingSlabwereamazing:thoseguysshowedupinaVWbusthatthey’ddrivendownallthewayfromupstatesomewherewithalloftheirgear;andtherewewereinourlimos.Ithoughtitwasgreatthatwehadbandslikethatonourbill—oneperkofbeingatthatlevelisthatyoureallycandowhateverthefuckyouwant.

Fromtherewesetoffonthemainevent—touringarenaswithourmassiveproductionandstage.Thatwholetourwasstadiumafterstadium.WehadDizzyReed,Teddy“ZigZag,”thehornsection,andthegirlsingers.Itwassuchacrazysetupcomparedtowhatwe’dbeenusedto.Firstofalltherewasnosetlist—weneverdidthesamesetonanynight.Wehadourstandards,like“NovemberRain,”“YouCouldBeMine,”“ParadiseCity,”and“WelcometotheJungle,”buttherestwasupforgrabs.

Thegirls—thebackupsingersandthehornplayers—hadtobeonstagetheentiretime,whichposedproblemsthatwehadn’tthoughtof,like,whatiftheyhadtopee?I’dmadeTedZigZagthepitbossofthatlittlesupportband—he’dactuallyrecruitedthem—anditwasfunnytowatchhimdealwiththem.Thosegirlswouldargueovertheiroutfits,whogottowearwhat;we’dneverexperiencedcrazyshitlikethatononeofourtoursbefore.Whenthegirlswerehavingtheirperiods,whichsomehowseemedtobesynchronized,Ifounditwasbesttojuststayoutoftheirwayaltogether.

Axlwasanentityuntohimselfontheroad;afterawhileweonlysawhimonstageorontheplane.Izzywasmuchthesame.Travelingbetweengigs,Duff,Matt,andIhungwiththegirls:therewasLisaMaxwell,theheadhornplayer,whoplayedtenorsax;Anne,whoplayedtrumpet;andthisbisexualNewYorkCitychickwhosenameIcan’trememberwhoplayedbaritonesax.Andtherewerethetwobackgroundsingers,thesecute,racylittlechickswhocouldusuallybefoundarguingovertheirwigs.TherewasRoberta,thisveryprettyskinnyblackgirl,andTracy,whowasthiscutelittlemulatto,andtheywereverycool.

THESHOWTHATSETTHEPACEFORWHATwastoultimatelyunhingethetourtookplaceinUniondale,NewJersey,attheNassauColiseum,wherewewentonlate.Thatnight,however,Axlapologizedtothefansforbeinglate,which,onceitbecamearegularoccurrence,heneverbotheredtodoagain.

Thefirstmajorissue,ofcourse,wasinSt.Louis,whichiswelldocumentedinthepress.Axlhadabeefwithaguyinthefirstfewrowswhohadavideocamera.Axlmentionedittovenuesecurityandtheydidnothingaboutit.Theirattitudeandtheguy’sblatantdisregardreallysetAxloff,sohejumpedoutintothecrowdtotakehiscameraaway.Whenhejumpeddown,itwasgreat,wekeptplayingthatsuspensefulriffthatstartsoff“RocketQueen,”andIthoughtthewholemomentwaskiller.WhenAxlgotbackonstage,everythingfelttriumphantforasecond…thenhegrabbedthemike,saidsomethinglike,

triumphantforasecond…thenhegrabbedthemike,saidsomethinglike,“Becauseofthebullshitsecurity,we’regoinghome,”slammedthemikedown,andwalkedoffstage.

Thebandkeptgoing.We’dgottengoodatimprovisingtofilldeadspace—drumsolos,guitarsolos,jams—wehadabagoftrickstokeepthingsmovingwheneverAxlmadeasuddenexit.Wekeptjamming,andIwentovertothesideofthestage.

“Whereishe?”IaskedDoug.

Helookedatmewithapainedexpression.“He’snotcomingback.”

“Whatdoyoumeanhe’snotcomingback?”Ishouted,stillplayingtheriff.

“Thereisnowayheiscomingback,”Dougsaid.“There’snothingIcando.”

Wewereaboutninetyminutesintoourset,whichwasourminimum,contractually,buttheplanwastoplayatwo-hoursetandthecrowdwasn’tclosetosatisfied.Theyknewtherewasalotmoreleft.IwouldhavedoneanythingtogetAxlbackonstageatthatpoint.

“Askhimagain!”Iyelled.“Findoutifhe’sreallynotgoingto.”IshouldhaveknownbyDoug’sexpressionthattherewasnouse.

Onceitwasfinal,wehadnochoice:thebandputdownourgear,anditwaslikepullingtheplugonthestereo—thesongjustendedonaquestionmark.Thatentirearenasatthereexpectingsomethingtohappen,butinsteadwewalkedoffstagewithoutaword.Andthatsetthemoff.Wehadnoideahowmuchthatsetthemoff.

Weallgatheredinthedressingroom,Axlwasn’tthere,andthemoodwasprettysolemn,tosaytheleast.Andthat’swhentheracketstarted.Wecouldhearthispounding;eventhroughthedoors,itsoundedlikemayhem.Axlsuddenlycameintothedressingroomandsaid,“Let’sgobackon.”

WewentdownthehallwaytowardthestageanditwaslikethesceneintheBeatles’YellowSubmarinewherethey’rewalkingthroughahallandit’snormalbuteverytimetheyopenadoorthere’satraincomingatthemoracatscreeching:we’dopenadoorandtherewasyelling,we’dopenanotherandsee

peopleonstretchers,copswithbloodalloverthem,gurneyseverywhere,andpandemonium.Atthetimewewereshootingadocumentary,sowehavealotofitonfilm.

TheSt.Louislocalsweren’thavingourcancellation—theytoretheentirebuildingapart;theydidthingsthatIdidn’tthinkwerepossible.Itwasdaunting,ifanything—welearnednottofuckaroundwithcrowdstothatextent.Axl,atleast,shouldhavebeenmorewaryfromthatpointonnottotakeanaudiencetothatlevelofagitationeveragain.

Weweretrappedbackstage,notknowingwhattodo.Dougsuddenlyappearedandsaidthathehadtogetusoutimmediatelyandthattherewasapoliceescortintheloadingdock.WeduckeddowninthebackofthesetwovanssothatnoonewouldseeusandwedrovestraightontoChicago.TherewasnowaythatweweregoingtobeabletoplaythatgigbecauseeveryshredofourgearwastrashedinSt.Louis;thatshowwasaveryexpensivefluke,tosaytheleast—thecrowddidover$200,000worthofdamagetothearenaalone.

WecrashedinChicagoforawhileastheaftermathofSt.Louiswasaddedup.Itwasamajordisasterforthepeople,andforthecity,andGunsN’RoseswasbannedfromplayinginSt.Louisforever.

WhenIreturnedtoSt.LouiswiththeSnakepitin1995,thenightbeforemyshow,Iwaswalkingfrommyhoteldowntothisrowofbarsnearby.Iwasn’tgoingfar,soIdidn’tbringsecuritybecauseIknewthatIwasmeetingourcrewdownthere,butasIwalkedupthismaindrag,IsawfivebikersinfrontofmeandnooneelsearoundandforamomentIgotworried.Itwasaprettydarknightonaprettydarkstreet,wheretallstreetlampsilluminatedspotsofgroundeveryfewyards.Igotclosertothemandtheywerelookingatme;andIwaslookingatthem.OneofthemgotoffofhisbikeandcameatmeandIwasn’tsurehowitwasgoingtogodown.

“Hey,man,”hesaid,grinningwide.“I’mtheguywhoAxlhit.”LikeIwassupposedtopattheguyontheback.Hehadthisattitudelike,“Hey,we’rebothanti-Axl,right?”Heseemedtothinkwehadsomethingincommon,butIdon’tworklikethat;ifanyofyoutalkshitaboutAxlI’mgoingtogetupinyourface.OnlyIcandothat;becauseIhavethatright,notsomepunkonthestreetwhodoesn’tevenknowhim.Thingsgottenseinthatmoment,buttheguystartedinwithhisownstory,almostapologetically.

Hehadjustwonallofhismoneyinthelawsuit;Ithinkhe’dbeenawardedhisdamagesbythecourtliketwodaysbefore.Itwasatensesituation:itwasobvioustomethatthiswasaguywhowasridinghighonthatcashhe’djustgottenandhewasn’tgoingtospenditwisely.His“friends”seemedtobeenjoyinghisgoodfortunewithhim,thatwasforsure,becauseallofthemwereclearlyoutonthetown.Hewastheshortestofthebunch,andasallsmallguysdo,hewastryingtoimpresseveryoneinsight.Hehadearnedhisbraggingrights—andadecentamountofourcash—butashetoldmeinthefewminutesIpausedtospeakwithhim,inthedaysaftertheincident,hecouldn’tevenleavehishouse.Hereceiveddeaththreatsbyphone,hatemail,allofit.Onlyafterthecitywonthelawsuit—afterwhichhewonaswell—didthewholetideturnforhim.

Iwastotallynotimpressedwiththisguy.ItoldhimsoandthatIhadtogoandthatwasthat.SowherewasI?

WETOOKAFEWWEEKS’BREAKAFTERthatincidentinSt.Louis,andputthefinaltouchesontheIllusionalbums.WecelebratedwithafewshowsattheL.A.Forum,whichwasahighlightoftheband’scareer.WhenIthoughtoftheForum,IthoughtofBowie,Zeppelin,Aerosmith,andAC/DC;itisaniconicplace.Intermsoflocalbraggingrights,itwaslikeplayingtheLongBeachArena—butbetter.Idon’tknowhowtheotherguysfeltaboutit,butasthelimocamedownthatrampallIcouldthinkaboutwasseeingRodStewarttherewithmymom;allofthosestoriesweregoingthroughmymind.Thegigswereallsoldoutandtheywereamazing.Thelastonewedidtherewasthreeandahalfhours—inthehistoryoftheband,itwasthelongestoneweeverplayed.ThatshowwasJuly29,1991,theverydaythattherecordswerefinishedbeingmixed.AsAxlsaidfromthestage,“Themotherfuckerisdone!”

Whiletherecordswerepackagedforrelease,wewentontodotheothershowswithSkidRowopening—youcanimaginethedegreeofdebaucheryMatt,Duff,SebastianBach,andIgotinto.Sebastianwastotallyenthusiasticandtotallygreen;we’ddoneitallbeforebutwediditallagainwithSebastian.ThatlegofthetourthroughtheStatestoEuropewasdebauchedandsickandtookhedonismtoanewlevel.ItwaswaytoomuchfunbecauseSkidRowwasblowingupatthatpointandwasasyoungandhungryaswe’dbeenwithMötley.

It’stoobadthatSebastiandoesn’tlikeDuffandMattandmemuch

It’stoobadthatSebastiandoesn’tlikeDuffandMattandmemuchanymore:wetriedhimoutwhenwewerelookingforasingerforwhatwouldbecomeVelvetRevolverbutitjustdidn’tworkout.ThecombinationsoundedlikewhatI’dcallSkidRoses.ImustsayI’msurprisedtohearthatSebastianhasbeenbad-mouthingtherestofuslately.

Inanycase,whenwewenttoEuropewithSkidRow,everythingwentalongverywell,businessasusual,untilwegottoMannheim,Germany,onAugust21,1991.WehadNineInchNailsonthebillaswellforthatdate,andwewentonlate—lateevenforus—then,prettyearlyintheset,somethinghappenedandAxlwalkedoffforwhatreasonIhavenoidea.Hewasn’tgettingheckledasfarasIcouldsee,noonehithimwithabottleoranything,buthewasn’thavingit.Thestageatthatvenuewasliterallyaboutamileawayfromtheproductionofficeanddressingroom,soavanwastheretoshuttleusbackandforth.WhenAxlleftthestage,hewenttothevanandheadedofftothedressingroom.

Therestofuscameoffstageandwerestandingaround,waitingtofindoutifAxlwascomingbackorifhisvanhadtakenofftothehotel.IntermsofhowhefeltanddealtwithAxl,MattSorumwaslikeSteven—hejustdidn’tunderstandwhyAxlcouldn’tjustplayhispart.

IrememberstandingtherewithDuffwhileMattwasfuming.He’dbeeninthebandlongenoughthathis“newguy”reservehadbeenearnedanddismissed.

“Fuckthatguy,”hesaid.“I’mgonnagostraightenhimout.”

MattfeltthatDuffandIzzyandIhadplayedittoodelicatewithAxlfortoolong.LikeSteve,hejustwantedtogetinhisfaceandbelttheguybecausethatwouldprobablyhaveworkedwithmostpeople.Iappreciatedthesentimentbutitseemedlikethewronganswertoavolatilesituation.AllIwantedwastofinishtheshow.

Bythispointwe’ddiscoveredthatAxl’svanhadnotleftforthedressingroom;hewassittinginitbutherefusedtocomeoutandreturntothestage.BothDuffandIhadalreadygonedowntheretotrytotalkhimintoit,tonoavail.SoMattwentdowntoAxl’svantorallyhim,butashegotdownthere,heranintoAxl,whohademergedtoheadbacktothestage.Mattwassofiredup,though,thathegotinAxl’sfaceregardless,tothedegreethatitalmostgotphysical.

“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?”Mattyelled.“Getbackonstage!”

Iranupandgotbetweenthem,becauseitwasn’tagoodsituation.AxlcangetcompletelypsychowhenhedecidestofightandMattweighstwiceasmuchasIdo—andheplaysdrums—soitwasn’texactlyagoodplaceformetobe.Axlwentbacktohisvan,anditdidn’tlooklikehewascomingoutagain.Theclockwasticking.

Thepromoterssawthedramagoingonandclosedthegatesaroundthevenuesothatwecouldn’tleave.They’dheardwhathadhappenedinSt.Louis,andit’sagoodthingtheydid;iftheyhadn’t,I’mpositivethatthethirty-eightthousandfanstherewouldhaverioted,wewouldhavebeenheldliableandarrested,andpeoplemighthavedied.Thelocalpolicewerealreadythereinriotgear,readytodealwithafull-onsituation.Itwasascary,tensescene,andaverynearmiss.

WegotAxlbackonstageonceherealizedhehadnochoice,andtherestoftheshowwentasplanned.AllIcouldrememberthinkingasIwalkedoffstageaftertheencorewasFuck,thatwasclose.Well,tooclose,asitturnedout:bythenextmorning,IzzysentamessagethroughAlaninformingusthathewasquittingtheband.Hewouldfinishthelastfewdatesonthecurrentlegofthetour,butafterthathewasdone.

SeeingthatpotentialfordisasterwastoomuchforIzzy,andthetruthis,weallshouldhavefollowedsuit.Withthatmanyfansoutthererabidtoseethebandperform,Icouldn’tseeanyreasonwhyweshouldletthiscrapderailus,letalonepotentiallyputpeopleindanger.I’mobsessive-compulsiveanddedicatedwhenitcomestomyprofession,soIcouldn’tletitgo.

Izzycompletedthetour,andItriedtotalkhimoutofleavingafewtimes,butatthesametimeIcouldn’tblamehimatall.

“Hey,man,Iknowit’sbeenhard,butIthinkwecanturnitaround,”Iremembertellinghim.“Theshowsarereallygreat,man.Theaudiencesaregreat,we’replayingstadiums…”

“Iknow,”hesaid.“But,man,Ican’t…Ijustcan’tdoitanymore.”Thewayhelookedatmeatthatmomentsaiditall.

Izzysentoutastatementtoeveryone,andthenextdayAlanflewouttomeetwithhim.HetookIzzy’ssideandcametousandtoldusthatIzzywasn’tgoingtorethinkthedecision.Idon’tthinkIzzyevendiscusseditwithAxl.

Oncethatwasdecided,onceitwassetinstonethatthesecondofthefoundingfivemembersofGunsN’Roseswasoutoftheband,wefinishedtheEuropeantour.Izzy’sfinalshowwasbeforeseventy-twothousandpeopleatWembleyStadium,inLondon,avenuewesoldoutfasterthananyartistinitshistory.Butit’smoreworthmentioningthatasfarasIremember,afterIzzyinformedusthathewasleaving,notoneoftheremainingEuropeanshowsstartedlate.

AFTERWEMBLEY,WEGOTBACKTOL.A.andshotthevideofor“Don’tCry,”inwhichDizzyReediswearinga“Where’sIzzy?”T-shirt.Thenwetookabreak,thoughmybreakwasoccupiedbyfindingusareplacementguitaristsothatwecouldgetbackoutontheroad.Itwaseverybitoftheordealthatfindinganewdrummerhadbeen.AxlwasconvincedthatweshouldhireDaveNavarro,whichIdidn’tthinkwasagoodideaatall.Ithinkitwasaquestionofstyle:whoeverwasgoingtofillyIzzy’sspotneededtoplaylikeIzzy,whowasaskilledrhythmplayerthataddedaunique,subtletexture.DaveNavarroisanamazingguitarplayer;he’ssomeonebettersuitedformyspot,notIzzy’s.Idon’tthinkDavewantedtomakethecommitment,anyway.Besides,atthetimehehadaheroinproblemandobviouslythatwasamajorissue.

AxlhadafewlongconversationswithDaveaboutjoiningtheband,andhewasn’tgoingtobediscouraged,sofinallyIsurrenderedandtriedtoarrangearehearsalwithDave.WeagreedonatimeforhimtocomedowntoMatesandthenhenevershowedup.Hedidthatthreetimes.

IcalledAxlafterI’dbeenstoodupthatthirdtime.“Man,thisguyDavehasissues,”Isaid.“Iamnotintothis.”

“Okay,okay,”hesaid.“I’lltalktohim.”

AxlconvincedmethatDavewasreallycommittedandthathe’dshowupwhenIcalledhimagain.Ididcallhimagain,andasIexpected,hedidn’tshowupagain.Thatwasit,Iwasfurious;thatwasthelastthatIwaswillingtoentertaintheprospectofDaveNavarro.

IhadbeenthinkingabouttheoneguitarplayerthatI’dseenwhoremindedmeofIzzy:hewasinabandcalledCandythathadopenedupforHollywoodRosebackatMadameWong’sWestbeforeIwasevereveninabandwithAxl.HisnamewasGilbyClarke,andasfarasIcouldrecallhewastheonlyguythat

HisnamewasGilbyClarke,andasfarasIcouldrecallhewastheonlyguythatIknewwithanIzzy-likefeel,whichwasn’teasytocomeby.

IgotintouchwithGilbyandhewantedthegigmorethananything.Helearnedsixtysongsintwoweeks;hecameinforanauditionandjustnailedit.Acoupleofweekslater,werehearsedhimwiththewholebandandweputasettogether,andlikethat,wewerebackinfightingshape.

Itwasastrangemoment.Izzy’sdeparturehappenedsoquietly,withnofanfare,andnomediaawareness.Itwassuchamajorchangewithintheband,buttotheoutsideworlditwasanonevent.Probablybecauseitwasovershadowedbythefactthattherecordscameoutrightbeforewegotbackontheroad.

OnSeptember17,1991,UseYourIllusionIIdebutedatnumberonewhileUseYourIllusionIdebutedatnumbertwo.We’dbrokenarecord:nootherartistofanykindhadpulledthatoffsincetheBeatles.Weweregettingallofthismajor,positive,supernewswhileallofthisnegativedramawasgoingonsimultaneously.BythenI’dgottensousedtolifebeingsucharockyroadthatIdealtwithit,anddidn’tthinktwiceaboutthepossibilitythatitmightnotbenormal.

ONCEGILBYWASINANDWEWEREbackontour,weaddedSoundgardentothebillforthenextleg,whichbeganinDecember1991inWorcester,Massachusetts.Theywereafavoritebandofoursanditwascooltohavethem,butwedidn’thaveagoodrapportwiththematall.Wehadnocommonvibewithanyofthegrungebands,actually,becauseweweresuchabigname;weweretheLedZeppelinofthetime,socomingfromtheirmoreunderground,indiepointofview,theythoughtofusas“fat,lazy,andself-indulgent.”We’dtakethemontourandtheywouldn’ttalktous.Itwashypocriticalbecausetheydidn’treallywanttobethere,butthenagain,unlessI’mmistaken,theydidn’tsaynotothegig.Allthingsconsidered,DuffandIgotalongwithChrisCornellandKimThayilreallywell,andIunderstoodtheirwantingtosteerclearofthecircusallaroundthem.

Wehadamuchmoreantagonisticsituationonourhandswithourothersupportband,FaithNoMore,oncetheirfrontman,MikePatton,startedtalkingshitaboutusonstage.Weletitgoonce,twice,butafterthat,thatwasit.Wehadtohaveatalkwithhim.Axlcameinwithme,asdidtheirguitaristJimMartin,

tohaveatalkwithhim.Axlcameinwithme,asdidtheirguitaristJimMartin,becauseJimwasasfedupwithMikeaswewere.

“Listen,man,”Isaid.“Ifyoudon’tlikeithere,justfuckingleave.Itcan’tbelikethis.Eitherlet’sdothisthingandmakeitgreat,orforgetit,gohome.”

TheyendedupfinishingthetourandthatwasthelastoutburstweheardfromMikeduringtheirset.

WedidthreenightsatMadisonSquareGarden(December9,10,13,1991),thesamearenawhereLedZeppelinfilmedTheSongRemainstheSame.OneofthosenightswemetoneofAxl’sheroes,BillyJoel.Itisn’tobviousuntilyouthinkaboutit,butAxllovesallofthegreatsongwriters:theEagles,EltonJohn,BillyJoel—heknowshisshit.Ididn’tknowanythingaboutBillyJoelasidefromthefactthatmybestfriend’smomplayedhisbreakoutalbum,TheStranger,nonstopbackin1978.ButitwasgreattomeetBillythatnightbecausehe’ssuchaniconandalsobecausehewasvery,verydrunk—Ihadnoideathathewassuchafuckup,andIlovedit.DuffandIcouldcertainlyrelatetohim,andAxlwasreallyfuckinghappy.Billywasledintothedressingroom,wherewehadallofourbooze,andherummagedaroundthebararea,makingallthisnoise.

“Where’stheJohnnieWalkerBlackLabel?”hesaid,outloud,asmuchtohimselfastous.“There’snoJohnnieWalkerBlack.”Needlesstosay,wesentsomeoneoutandtheycamebackwithabottleforBillyinnotime.

FEBRUARY1,1992,WASOURLASTSHOWwithSoundgarden,atComptonTerrace,Arizona,andwedecidedtocommemorateitwithalittleprank.WegotourselvesafewinflatablesexdollsandMattandDuffandItookourclothesoffandwentonstagewiththem.Cometothinkofit,Iwastheonlyoneofuscompletelynaked.Inanycase,SoundgardenwastouringtheBadmotorfingeralbum,andtheycamefromaplacewheretherewasnofuntobehadwhilerocking,sotheyweremortified.Theylookedaroundandtherewewerescrewingblowupdollsallaroundthem;IwasdrunkandIfell.Igotseparatedfrommydoll,andatthatpointIwastotallynaked—itwasascene.

Slashtheprankster,naked,embracingablowupdollduringSoundgarden’sshow.

WEPLAYEDTHREESHOWSATTHETOKYODomeinJapan(February19,20,22,1992),whichwassomething;infact,IplayedfiveshowsinarowintheTokyoDome—twowithMichaelJacksonandthreewithGunsN’Roses.Iexperiencedthebiggestcontrastyoucanimaginebetweenthosetwoaudiences;Ican’tthinkofamoresurrealswitchthanplayingonenightforMichaelJackson,whowasflyingaroundthestageandhadkidsandtoysbackstage,toplayingwithGunsandeverythingthatcamewiththatworldtwonightslater—allintheverysamebuilding.Totopitoff,IspentthedayIhadoffbetweenthetwoshowsatTokyoDisney.

IflewoverearlytoplaywithMichael;IhadrecordedwithhimbackinL.A.betweenthetimethatwefinishedtheIllusionrecordsandtheirrelease.Itwaswhilewewerehomebetweenlegsofthetour.IwasstayingattheHyattonSunsetatthetimewhenIgotthecallfromouroffice.

“Hey,Slasher,MichaelJacksonistryingtogetintouchwithyou,”Alansaid.“Hewantsyouonhisrecord.”

“Oh,wow,”Isaid.“Okay.”

ThenextcallthatcamethroughwasMichael.

ThenextcallthatcamethroughwasMichael.

“Hello?”Isaid.

“Hello?Slash?”hesaidinhistypicallynervous,timidvoice.

Offwewentfromthere.IwasflatteredandIwasintimidated,butitcameoffgreat.Wedidtwosongs:thefirstone,thecoolerone,wascalled“GiveintoMe,”whichwaskindoflikeanewtakeonhissong“DirtyDiana.”WhenIwentintorecorditattheRecordPlantMichaelwastherewithBrookeShields,whohewasdatingatthetime.Itwastrippy:thestudiowasasdimlylitandasdarkasGunslikedtohaveitwhenwerecorded.

“Hi,”Michaelsaid.“ThisisBrooke.”

“Hi,nicetomeetyou,”Isaid.IthinkIputmyhandoutforashake.

“Ireallywanttothankyousomuchforbeingonmyalbum,”hesaid.“Ireallycan’twaittohearwhatyoucomeupwith.”

Andthentheysplit—theywentofftodinnerorsomething.Irecordedmysoloandthatwasit.AfewdayslaterIcamebackandrecordedtheintroductionto“BlackandWhite.”Theywantedsomethingonthefrontend,whichdidn’tevenmakeitintothealbumversionofthesong.Youcanhearmypartifyouwatchthevideo:it’swhatMacaulayCulkinisplayingonguitarbeforethesongstarts.Thatwasstrange;tosaytheleast,itwasn’tquitewhatIhadinmindforthatsolo.

IthinkMichaelJacksonlikedmebecauseoftheanimatedelementofmypersona.Ithinkhesawmeasacaricature.Butthat’sjustme.Istilldon’tknowifheknowsthataboutme.

Icouldfeelitinmyloinsthatshewashavingalook.

ASOURALBUMSCONTINUEDTOCHARTworldwide,wetouredMexicoinApril,andlikeourSouthAmericanfanstheMexicancrowdswereverydedicated.ThenwedidtheFreddieMercurytributeinLondonwhichwasamazing—hewasanotherofAxl’sheroes,soalthoughitwasashortset,wegaveitourall:wedid“ParadiseCity”and“Knockin’onHeaven’sDoor.”LateronIwentupandplayed“TieYourMotherDown”withBrianMayandRogerTaylorofQueen,andAxlsangaswell.Attheendoftheconcertwealldid“WeArethe

Champions.”Itwasamonumentalgig,butthemostmemorablepartoftheeveningwaswhenItookmypantsoffinfrontofLizTaylor:Iwasinthegreenroomchangingandsheopenedthedoor,herentourageintow,andcaughtmeinaT-shirtwithnopantsonatall.Shedidn’thavealookofembarrassmentintheleast;shewasabsolutelydevilish—Icouldfeelitinmyloinsthatshewashavingalook.

INMAYOF1992,WEANNOUNCEDTHATwewouldcoheadlineasummertourwithMetallicastartingJuly7—therecouldnothavebeenabiggerrock-and-rollbillatthetime.Itwastoocool:theyhadjustreleasedTheBlackAlbumandwewereridinghighwithUseYourIllusionIandII.WethenheadedofftostartourheadliningarenatourofEuropeinDublin,Ireland,inMay1992.

Inmypersonallife,mygirlfriend,Renee,andIbrokeupduringtheAmericanlegbecausesomeoneinourentouragetoldherhowunfaithfulIwasbeingontour.CheatingwastheonethingI’dpromisedI’dneverdo.Itwasaweaknessonmypartthatcameoutofaneedtohaveasmuchofagoodtimebetweenshowsaspossible,which,alongwithheavyboozing,wasmywayofself-medicatingtogetthroughalloftheturbulentemotionalactivity,theyin-yangpsycho-emotionalupsanddowns.Boozeandgirls—thatwashowIdealt.ForthemostpartinourprofessionalcareerIhadn’ttakenfulladvantageoftheexorbitantamountofwomenthatwereavailabletome,sonowthatIfeltunsettledaboutwhatweweredoing,Itookadvantageofallofit.

Unfortunately,asisusuallythecase,itallcameoutinthewash.WewereinChicagowhenIgotamessageonmyansweringservicefromRenee’sstepbrother,whowasagoodbuddyofmine.Iwaswithagirlatthetime,anactress—arealone—thatI’dseeninamovie.WewereinmyhotelroomwhenIcalledhimup.

“Hey,man,it’sSlash,”Isaid.“What’sgoingon?”

“Dude,”hesaid,deadlyserious.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’vegotgoingonoutthereontour,andthat’syourbusiness.ButIthinkyoushouldcallReneebecauseshe’sflippingoutaboutsomething.Shewon’ttellmewhat’swrong,butshesoundsreallypissed.”

IcalledReneeandshetoldmeoffverycolorfully.Theninnouncertaintermsshethreatenedme,lettingmeknowthatshehadanuncleinChicago—not

termsshethreatenedme,lettingmeknowthatshehadanuncleinChicago—notknowingthatIwasactuallyinChicago—whowasconnectedandwhowouldhappily“takecareofme”ifsheaskedhimto.

Slam.Shehungup.

Iputdownthephone.Ilookedatitforasecond.ThenIturnedtothegirllyinginmybed.

“Hey,”Isaid.“Youbettergo.”

“Um,okay,”shesaid,annoyed.Shesatupandstartedlookingforherclothes.

ThenIthoughtaboutitforaminute.“Well…notrightnow,”Isaid,andgotbackintobed.Needlesstosay,ReneeandIwereapartforawhileafterthat.

THEEUROPEANTOURWASAMAZING,ANDthereweremanymemorablemoments.WedidthisoneshowinPariswhereAxlgotthisideainhisheadthatweshouldhavepeoplecomeouttoplaywithustorecorditforapay-per-viewshowonsomeglobalTVnetwork.AxlgotAerosmith,LennyKravitz,JeffBeck,andpulledthismovethatseemedalmostgratuitoustomebecausetheyweremyfavoriteartists—asyouknowbynow,Aerosmithwasmyfavoriteband,Beckmyfavoriteguitarist,andI’dbeenonLenny’salbum.

Ifeltlikethiswasaneffortonhisparttokeepmesatisfied,becauseherarelymadegrandgesturesaimedatkeepingmehappy—he’dhavetohavebeenblindnottoknowhowpissedoffIwasasthetourworeon.He’ddumpedallofthebandresponsibilitypersonallyonme,fromfindingMattandGilbytohiringthesupportmusicians.Ithinkinhismind,thispay-per-viewconcertwasthrowingmeabone,becausewhenheeverdidgetaroundtomakingapeaceoffering,Axlneverdiditwithwords.

Iwishthathedidbecausethatconcertwasveryexpensiveforus,andalthoughitwasseenbymillions,itdidn’tseementirelynecessary.Butonceagain,Iagreedtoit.Truthbetold,Iwasexcitedtodoit,asexcessiveasitwas.

WheneverIgetonstagetoplaywithAerosmith,it’sonlybecausewehappentobeinthesamecityatthesametime—theyusuallyinviteme,butI’mluckyiftheyevensendacartotakemetothevenue.Wegaveeveryperformeronthat

theyevensendacartotakemetothevenue.Wegaveeveryperformeronthatbillred-carpettreatment:first-classtravelandaccommodationsinParis—allofit.Everyonegotinadayearlyandwesetuprehearsalstogothrough“AlwaysontheRun”withLennyand“TrainKeptRolling”withAerosmith,andJeffBeckdid“Locomotive”withus.

Everyonecameouttosound-check…exceptAxl.IrememberStevenTylercominguptomeandasking—again—“Where’syoursinger,man?”AsI’vementioned,it’sthewayhe’sgreetedmeeversinceourfirsttourtogether.Thistimethejokewastootruetolaughat.Stevenwasn’ttheonlyoneaskingthatquestionthatday—infact,itseemedtobethecommentoneveryone’stongue.Itwasn’teasytostandthereandtakeit;IneverwantedtosayanythingbadaboutAxl,butitwasprettyhardnottolookstressedwithStevenTylerstandinginfrontofmespeakingthetruth.

Irememberdoingsoundcheckthedayoftheshow,goingthrough“Locomotive”withJoePerryandJeffBeck,andtalkingthroughtheguitarparts.Jeffwasstandingthereplayingwhilehetalkedtous…itwassocool,hewasjustlayingouttheseamazinglicksnonchalantly.

“Soyou’vebeenpracticing?”JoePerryaskedhim.Ithoughtthatwasaweirdthingtosay.ItwasJefffuckingBeck!

Jeffblewhisearsoutatsoundcheckhowever…well,actuallyMattblewJeff’searsout:JeffwasstandingupnearthedrumriserplayingwhenMattslammedonacymbalandjustknockedhisheadoff.Itsucked—itwasthedaybeforethegigandJeffcouldn’tplay;hecouldn’thearanddoitatall,sohewenthome.Itwasn’tcool,he’dsustainedsomerealdamage.YearslaterMatttoldmehesawJeffdoinganinterviewaboutitandhesummedituplikethis:“Hehitthecymbalanditwentcrashandthatwasit.Nothing.”

Hewasmissedbuttheshowcameoutreallywell:Lennycameonanddidhisthing,andsodidJoeandSteve.Unfortunately,theirpartwasattheendofatwo-hourset,whichwasalreadyanhourlategoingon,sotheyhadtowaitbackstageallnight.Istillcan’tbelievethatAxldidn’tshowupforthatsoundcheck,letalonegoonanhourlate.IcancountononehandhowmanytimesAxlcametosoundcheckonthattour;hewasalwayscarefulabouthisthroat,whichisfine.ButIdon’tthinkthat’squitewhyhedidn’tsound-checkforthatshow.Although,allthingsconsidered,IhavenoideawhyAxldidn’tsound-checkforthatshow…oranyoftheothersonthattourforthatmatter.

thatshow…oranyoftheothersonthattourforthatmatter.

BYTHETIMEWEGOTTOENGLANDTOplayafewdates,IgotlonelyandcalledRenee,andflewherouttomeetme.Imadethatdecisionononeofthosenightswhenallofthefuckingsordid,lunar,promiscuousstuffI’dbeendoinghadcaughtuptomeandleftmefeelingemptyandentirelyalone.It’ssomethingthatmusiciansdoonaregularbasiswhenthey’reontheroadfortoolong:theygetasoftspotintheirheart,andinamomentofweakness,againsttheirbetterjudgement,theyactonit,usuallyengagingthewrongperson.

Soanywayadayorsolater,thereshewas.Iwaitedforherinthehotelbar,andwhensheshowedupIwastotallydistractedandstarstruckbecauseJonathanWinterswasthere—heisoneofmycomedicidols,soweendeduphavingdrinkswithhimandhiswife,whichwasgreat.

ReneeandIhadaveryciviltime.ShetravelledthroughEnglandwithmeandwediscussedgettingbacktogether.ButshecameoutthereinthesameframeofmindthatshewasinwhenIfirstmether—notgivingmeany.Therewasnowayshewasstayingontourverylong.

WeheadedbacktoEuropeafterthat,andwhenwegottoGermany,afewofusshotavideowithMichaelJacksonforthesongI’dplayedonhisDangerousalbum,“GiveintoMe.”ItwasreleasedasasingleinEurope,thoughitwasn’tintheUnitedStates.Gilby,TedAdriatus,akaTeddyZigZag,andIshotthevideowithMichael:itwasaliveclubgiginMunich,completewithfans.WehadtheguyfromLivingColouronbass,MuzzSkillings,andtheconceptwas“Michaelfrontingaheavymetalband.”Unfortunately,itonlyairedonMTVEurope.

THEREWASASPARE-NO-EXPENSEattitudeonthistour,whichwasnewforus.Ifwehaddaysoff,yachtswererented.InEngland,wehadafive-hourgo-kartrallyarrangedforusinWestLondon.InAustralia,takingaboatouttotheGreatBarrierReefseemedtobesomethingthebandneededtodo.Itwasallsenselessspending.Dougapprovedonecrazyideaafteranothertofillourfreetimeatourexpense.WiththeexceptionofAxl,thebandwouldn’thavecaredifnoneofiteverhappened—weweremorethancapableofentertainingourselvesinanygloballocaleonashoestringbudget.

OurmistakewasnevergivingathoughttothecostofDoug’sexpenditures,thatisforsure.Inthebackofmymind,Iknewthathiringayachtorclosingdownarestaurantdidn’tcomefree,butatthesametimeIwasn’tgoingtosayanythingbecauseattimesthoseeventsseemedtomaintainthestatusquo.IknowthatwasDoug’smotivation:hedideverythinghecouldthinkoftokeepeveryonehappy,butatthesametimeeverytimehearrangedoneofhisgrandgestures,itwasastrikeagainsthiminmymind.IresentedDoug’sinfluenceinthatregard,butallthesame,Icouldn’tgettoodirectlypissedathim.DougwassofarupAxl’sassatthatpointthatDougsawwhateverAxlwaslookingat,crystalclear.

IalwaysfounditsuspectthatDougwasourmanageryethewasoutontheroadallthetime.Hefoundamillionexcusestobethere,andasidefromthefewlegitimateones,thetruthis,inmyopinionatleast,hewastheretotrytokeepAxlunderhisthumbandsoprotecthisownjob.BybecomingtightwithAxlwhenhewasourroadmanager,Doughadsecuredhimselfhisnewpositionasourmanagerorsoitseemedtome.Iwantedtokeepitallgoingtoomuchtoworryaboutextravagances,butIthoughtitwasridiculousthatsomeonewhowasemployedtoguideourcareerwasnotonlyarrogantenoughtoletthesewastefulexpenditureshappen,butwasalsoarrogantenoughtoenjoymostofthemhimselfoutontheroadasifhewereearninghiskeeponstageeverynight.

ATTHEENDOFTHEEUROPEANTOUR,wereturnedtotheStatesandAxlgotarrestedthemomentwelandedatJFKinNewYorkonJuly12,1992.Hewasconsideredafugitive,stemmingfromthewarrantsoutforhisarrestbySt.Louisauthoritiesinconnectionwiththeriotin1991.Twodayslater,incourtinSt.Louis,hepleadedinnocenttofourcountsofmisdemeanorassaultandoneofpropertydamageandadatewassetforOctober.WewereallowedtobeginourtourwithMetallicathreedayslater,asscheduled.

WhileAxltookcareofhisbusiness,IhadfivedaysoffinL.A.,andmyfirstnightintownIwentouttodinnerwithRenee.Afterdinner,wehadexhaustedallthesmalltalkwehadinusandtheconversationshiftedtothesubjectofseeingeachotherregularlyagain.

“No,”shesaid.“I’mnotgoingtodothatagain.”

“Ohno?”Iasked,completelyintoitnow.“Whynot?”

“Iwillonlybewithyouifwegetmarried.”

“Ohyeah?”Isaid.“Really?”

She’dhandedmetheultimateultimatum,becausemarriagewasthefurthestthingfrommymind.IwasemotionallyneedyandIdon’tknowifshesensedthat,butunderthegun,Ifolded.ItoldherIneededtothinkaboutit,andthenIcamebacktoherwitharingandwesetadate.

THEMETALLICATOURSTARTEDINWASHINGTON,D.C.,inJuly1992.WehadameetingbeforeitbeganbecausetheMetallicacampwasconcerned:wewerehavingmajorproblemsgettingonstageontime,ridingthathigh–lowrollercoaster.Metallicawasnotabandtopullthatkindofshitatall,sotheywiselyoptedtoplayfirstsoastoavoidbeingpulleddownbyourbullshit.

IhavesomuchrespectforJames—Ithinkhe’soneofthemostprolificsinger-songwriter-guitaristsever.IhadlookeduptothebandsinceMasterofPuppets,whichcameoutjustbeforeAppetite.Whenwesetouttodothattour,partofmewasexcitedandpartofmewasworriedabouthowitwasallgoingtoworkandwhetherAxlwasgoingtoadjust.Metallicawasano-frills,hardworkingroadband;theydidlongtours,theyneverwentonlate—theywerenobullshit.Theyweremachoabouttheirworkethicanddedicatedtotheirfans,whichIthoughtwascommendableaswell.Theyrepresentedeverythingthatmatteredtomeprofessionally,andIdidn’twanttoseeitgetfuckedup;Ididn’twanttoletthemdown.

Fromthestartofthetour,AxlwasouttoimpressMetallicaandeveryoneelse—inhisway.Hebroughtuptheideaofhavingbackstagepartieseverysinglenight—themepartiesthatwouldbealoungeforourguests,liketheStoneshadontheirtours.AxlhadhiredhisstepbrotherStuartandhissisterAmytobepartofthemanagementteam,andtheywereputinchargeoforganizingthesepartiesaccordingtoAxl’svision.Theyhadnoexperiencedoingso,ofcourse.Isawtheirworkinactionanditwasbothuncoolandyetanotherunnecessaryextravagance.Ineverwenttooneofthosepartiesduringtheentiretour.Thewholeideaofitwasjusttooself-indulgent,tooself-centered,andtooshowyformetoeventhinkaboutparticipatingingoodfaithanyway.

Actually,I’mwrong,Iwentintoone,onetime,tolookforsomeone.AsI

recall,itwasa“Romanbath”party,withahugeJacuzziinthemiddleoftheroom.Iknowtheydidacasinonight,aMexicanfiesta,andabunchofotherthings.Foreachoftheseparties,Axl’ssiblingswouldbehustlingeverydaytogetitdone.TheMetallicaguys,offthebat,disassociatedthemselvesfromthatwholefreakshow.Itwaslikenoonewantedtoevensayanythingaboutit.ThesubjectofthethemepartiesandAxl’sbehaviorremindedmeofthefirstCreepshowfilmandtheepisodeaboutthisthingunderthestairsinaboxthatatepeoplethatnoonewouldtalkabout.

Itwasalwaysagoodtime,butallthesame,Axlandourinabilitytogetonstageontimewaslikethebigelephantintheroomeverynight.Noonewouldbringitup,butitwasobviousthatwewereallthinkingaboutit.LarsUlrichneversaidanythingtome,buthedidtoMatt,anditwashumiliatingandembarrassinghowlamethosepartieswereandhowdisappointedMetallicawasthatwecouldn’tevengetonstageontime.IthinkthatthereasonAxlwentonstagesolate,andneverunderstoodhowoffensive,selfish,andinconsiderateitwastoeveryoneinvolved—fromthefanstotheband—wasthathesawitassomethingotherthanwhatitwas.Thatwaswhyhefeltlikehewasdoingsomethingthatotherpeoplejustdidn’tget.Ithinksomewhereinhismindhethoughtitwascooltokeeppeoplewaiting,asifitjustservedtobuildanticipationratherthancreatefrustration.IthinkitwasallbuildingupwhatGunsmeanttohiminhismind.Andinthefaceofthat,hesimplycouldnotcomprehendhowwhathewasdoingdidn’tmakecompletesensetousortherestoftheworld.AndIcouldn’tdoadamnthingaboutit.

Metallicawasearningtheexactsamepaycheckaswewereeverynight,butwhiletheypocketedthewholething,wewereblowing80percentbothonunionduesforalloftheovertimewecostourselvesgoingonlateandonthesestupidthemeparties.Itwasjustbad.

Ourchemistryonstagewasbeautifuldespitethedramawithintheband.

IT’STOOBAD,BUT,OURROLLERCOASTERofdysfunctionreallypeakedontourwithMetallica.Whenitallwentoffwithoutahitch,thatdoublebillwasthegreatestthinggoing.Whenitdidn’t,itwasanightmare.Forus,forthemostpart,ourchemistryonstagewasbeautifuldespitethedramawithintheband,butthereweretimeswhenitspilledover.Sittingaroundforafewhourswaitingtogoon…thatreallyspoiledthemusic.Itwaslikebeinganathletewho’dwarmedupthencooleddown,andthenhadtoruntherace:ittookawhiletogetintothe

groove,butwealwaysgotthere.

Offstage,however,ourchemistrywasawful,anditbecamehardertoignoreasthetourwenton.ThetensionwassotangiblethatDuffandIreachedcolossallevelsofalcoholintakejusttogetthroughaday.Itwasnobigdealforustopolishoffahalfgallonofvodkawhilesittingaroundbackstagefortwohourswaitingtoplay.ThedisrespectandlackoftrustthatAxl’sbehaviorinspiredwascorrodingthecoreoftheband.Axlwasbecomingthequarterbackwhorefusedtothrowtheballevenwhenwestartedlosingeverygame.

AttheGiantsStadiumshowattheendofJuly,Axlbarelymadeitthroughthesetduetothestateofhisvoice.Hewasadvisedbyhisdoctortorestitforaweek,sowecanceledournextthreedates.ThetourresumedinCanada,whichcametobetheinfamouscoupdegrâceofeverythingthatwaswrongwithourband.

ItallwentdowninMontreal,onAugust8,1992.Metallicawenton,andmidwaythroughtheirset,JamesHetfieldcaughtonfirewhenapyrotechnicmalfunctioned.Hesustainedseriousinjuriestohisarmandshoulder,andthebandwasforcedtoendtheirsetimmediately.Wewerestillatourhotelwhenithappened,andwewereaskedtogoonearly—itwasanonissue;ofcourseweagreedtodoso.Thebandheadeddowntothevenuerightawayanddiscussedwhatwe’dplaytofilluptheremainderofMetallica’sslotandoursaswell.Wehadplentyoftimetogooverouroptionsbutitcouldn’thappenbecauseAxldidnotshowup.

NotonlydidwenotgoonearlyenoughtofillthevoidleftbyMetallica,wewentonthreehourslaterthanourownscheduledstagetime.IntheendtherewassomethinglikefourhoursbetweenthetimeMetallicawereforcedtostoptheshowandthemomentwetookthestage.Andoncewedid,Axlendeditearly,afterwe’ddonejustninetyminutesoutofascheduledtwohours.I’msurehehadhisreasons,butneitherInorthecrowd,asfarasIknow,knewquitewhattheywere.

Ican’tsaythatIwassurprisedwhentheaudiencestartedrioting.Beingoldprosatthis,wesatinourdressingroom,whichwasunderneaththehockeyrink,basicallyinthelockerrooms.Wecouldhearthestampedeoverhead,andknewthattherewasnogoingbackon.Thecrowddestroyedeverythingintheouterarena,fromtheskyboxestothevendingbooths.Atonepointwewentupstairsin

anelevatorandlookedoutintothehallwayandsawkidsthrowingrocksatthedisplaycases,whenonebroke,they’dscrambledtosnatchthemerchandise.

Aswemadeourescape,wesawoverturnedcarsintheparkinglot,wewatchedkidspullingdownthegiantlightpoles,lightingbonfires,breakingeverythinginsight—thewholedeal.Itwasafiasco.

Axldidhaveanexcuseforquittingtheshowearly;hedidinfacthaveareason,andhedidgopublicwithit.HehadcanceledourBostonshowandtwoothersbecauseofhisthroat,andhesaidthathisvocalcordsweredamagedandthatwaswhyhecouldn’tperform.Tous,itwascryingwolf,becauseinMontrealhedidn’tmentionthathewasinpainoranythingthatnightbeforetheshow.Itwasaverytensetime—amajorstrawonthecamel’sbackformeandforeverybodyinourcamp.ItwasactuallyahugeissueformebecauseI’dlostfacewitheveryoneinMetallica.Wedidn’tkeepourpromisetothem,thefans,ortoourselvestoputonthebestshowpossible,comewhatmay.Whenithadmatteredthemostitfeltlikewe’dgivenevenless.Ifeltlikeanass.Icouldn’tlookJames,Lars,oranyonefromtheirbandintheeyefortherestofthetour.

WepostponedtheremainingdatesfornearlyamonthuntilJamesrecoveredenoughtocontinue.ApparentlythatwasenoughtimeforAxl’svocalcordstorecoveraswell.WhenwesetoffagainonAugust25inPhoenix,Jameshadoneoftheirtechsplayguitarforhimwhilehesang;hewasrightoutfrontwithabigcastonhisarm.That’showcooltheywere.Itwasfrustratingtome,becausewepridedourselvesonbeingakick-ass,hardcorerock-and-rollband,butwehadaweakspotinthegroupthatwasmakingusvulnerable.Wehadbecomelargerthanlifeandlegendary,sothispettybullshitwasverytrying.

Iwaspissedoffatmyselfforhavingdied.

WERESUMEDOURTOURWITHMETALLICAandmadeupthedateswe’dbeenforcedtocancel.InSeptember,wehadanincidentwithopeningactFaithNoMoreandtheyoptedtoleavethetourearlierthantheyweresupposedto.Theybrokeupshortlyafterward.WereplacedthemwithIce-T’sBodyCount,whowereaboutasinfamousasyoucouldbefollowingthereleaseofthesingle“CopKiller.”WehadourgoodfriendsMotörheadoutwithusaswell.Igotupandplayed“BackinMyCar”withthemattheRoseBowl.

WhenwegottotheBayAreatoplaytheOaklandStadiumonSeptember24,1992,Igotintoabitoftrouble.WewerestayinginahotelinSanFrancisco,and

1992,Igotintoabitoftrouble.WewerestayinginahotelinSanFrancisco,andbeforeIwenttothevenuethatafternoontosound-check,IgotintoahugeargumentwithReneeovertheissueofourprenuptialagreement.ItdescendedintoascreamingmatchandafightsoabrasivethatIwasbesidemyselfpissed.IwenttothegigsoangrythatIwasdeterminedtodowhatIdowhenIwanttoactout:getsomesmack.Ihadn’tdoneanyinsolongbecause,asunhappyasIwaswiththeband,Iwasnotabouttocripplemyprofessionalism.ButthisgavemeaworthwhileexcuseasfarasIwasconcerned.

IgottotheshowandIranintoanoldfriend,apornstarwe’llcall“Lucky,”whoI’dknownsomeyearsbefore.Shewasafriendofanex-girlfriendofmine,thepornstarSavannah,whomI’ddatedforafewmonthswhenIhaddowntimeinL.A.duringmytimeofffromRenee.Savannahwasintense.Ihadnoideathatshewasajunkie.TheclueIshouldhavepickeduponwasthatsheonlylikedtofuckaftershe’dfixed;Ididn’tknowitatthetime.WegotintoahugefightonenightwhenshespontaneouslydecidedtogivemeablowjobinthemiddleofsomebarinNewYorkCity.

IfirstmetLuckywhenshecameovertohangoutwithusattheMondrian.SheandSavannahgotstrippeddown,andwhenweorderedsomechampagnetheyinvitedtheroomserviceguyintotheroomtowatchthemgoatit,andbeforelongtheonlythingholdingthisguy’seyesintheirsocketswereafewlittletinyveins.

Anyway,IranintoLuckyattheshowandwegottotalking.IgaveLuckypassesandaboutsevenhundredbucksincashtogetmeasmuchheroinasshecouldfind.Wedidtheshow—itwasgreat—thenIwentstraightbacktomyhotelroomandwaited.Ikeptdrinkingthewholetime,maybedidsomeblow,butwhensheshowedupatfivea.m.,Iwasprettymuchreadytopassout.

LuckyandherboyfriendcamerollinginwithallofthiscrackandsmackandI’msittingonthefloorwatchingthemspreadoutallofthedrugsacrossthecoffeetable.They’vegotrigs,points,shooters,tools,hardware,whateveryouchoosetocallthem—they’vegotbrand-newneedles.Wegetitallgoing,thethreeofus,andweareallfiendinghard.Itwasintendedtobeafunillicitthing—momentary,asfarasIwasconcerned—butthisisgettingintense.Wealldoahit,buttheshitisn’tstrong,soIdoafewmore.Theyaresendingthecrackpipearound.

Thehoursgobyandwearereallyloaded.Mattcallsmesometimeintheearlymorningheinvitesmetohisroomtodosomeblow.

earlymorningheinvitesmetohisroomtodosomeblow.

“Okay…yeah…I’llberightthere.”

Igetup,weak-kneed,reelingfrommylastcrackhit,andIlookoveratLuckyandherboyfriend;theyarehavingthetimeoftheirlives—theyhaveneverhadamotherloadofdrugslikethisforfree.Imakemywayacrossthecarpettothedoor,draggingmyfeet,realizingthatI’mdizzyandIcan’tspeak.Iopenthedoor;Idon’thavemywitsaboutmeatall.IseeamaidinthehallwaypushingherhousekeepingcartandIaskherwhichwaytotheelevator.ThatiswhatItrytosay.Irememberitallinslowmotion;Irememberhearingmyvoicespeakfaraway.

Icollapsedlikearagdollinthehallway…Iblackedout,andmyheartstoppedforeightminutes,orsoIwastold.Idon’tknowwhocalled911.Mysecurityguard,Ronnie,wasthereandsowasEarl,Axl’sguy,andtheytookcareofmeandgottheparamedics.Iwokeupwhenthedefibrillatorssentanelectricshockthroughmychestandstunnedmyheartintobeatingagain.Itwaslikebeingslappedinthefacehardenoughtowakeyoufromadeepsleep.Irememberthebrightlightsinmyeyesandacircleofpeopleleaninginoverme:Ronnie,Earl,andtheparamedics.Ihadnoideawhatwasgoingon;itwasn’taneasywake-upcall.

Iwasputinanambulanceandtakentoahospital,whereIwasgiventheonce-over.Iwastoldtoremainovernightforobservation,butIwasn’thavingthat.AfteracoupleofhoursIsignedmyselfoutandwentbacktothehotel,Ronnieintow.Ihadnoremorsewhatsoeveraboutmyover-dose—butIwaspissedoffatmyselfforhavingdied.Thewholehospitalexcursionreallyateintomydayoff.Iwashopingtomakeitthroughwithoutahitchandwaskickingmyselffornotbeingabletomaintainmybalanceandjuststayawakethroughthewholethingasplanned.

Backatthehotel,thevibewasprettysomber.Apparently,myhalfwayswandivedidn’tlooksogood.EveryonethoughtthatIwasagonerandwasactingappropriatelyserious,whichissomethingthatIcouldneverunderstand.Myattitudeatthetimewas,“Hey,everybody,Imadeit!Let’sgo!”WhenIgotback,myhighestprioritywasfindingLuckyandherboyfriend.FromwhatIwastold,Earlhadscaredthemoff.IcompletelyunderstoodthatbecauseEarlwasterrifying:Hewasabigblackguy,oversixfeettall,withafootballplayer’sbuildandanoddlysweetface.Thatfeatureactuallymadehimmoredisturbingbecausewhenhewaspissed,youreallyknewaboutit.

becausewhenhewaspissed,youreallyknewaboutit.

I’msurethementionofprisonandmedyingwasenoughtodriveLuckyandhermantovacatequickly.Itwasn’ttheirfaultthatIcouldn’tholdmyshittogether.Idon’tknowforsure,butEarlprobablythrewthedopeawayinthecourseofkickingthemout.Atleastthat’swhatItoldmyselfbecausetheyhadn’tleftmeanything…andthatbummedmeoutmostofall.

Icooleddowninmyroomforafewhours,withbothsecurityguardspostedinthehallwayoutsideofmydoortoensurethatIdidn’tgoanywhere.EventuallyDougGoldsteincameinandlaunchedintooneofthemostpatheticdisplaysofbullshitconcernthatmankindhaseverknown.HegavemealongspeechatthetopofhislungsaboutwhatI’djustdone,abouthowpeoplelovemeandthis,that,andtheother.Itwasveryaggressive,verydramatic,andveryfake.Toillustratehis“seriousness”hethrewabottleofJackDaniel’sthroughthetelevision.Whenheleft,Iretrievedthatbottle,whichhadn’tbroken,andpouredmyselfastiffdrinktogetoverhisintervention.

Shortlyafterward,DougcalledabandmeetinginAxl’sroom.Weallgatheredaround,andIwasstillnoddingoutatthispoint.Everyonevoicedtheirconcernformywell-being,butAxl’scommentstoodoutmostofall.Itsnappedmeoutofmyhaze,actually.

“Yougaveusascare,”hesaidslowly,lookingrightatme.“Wethoughtyouweredead….IthoughtI’dhavetolookforanewguitarplayer.”

ThenextmorningweboardedhelicoptersandflewtoOaklandforthegig,andthewholetimeRonnieandEarlmonitoredmeliketwohawkstrackingamouse.FromtherewedidtheL.A.Coliseum,thenSanDiego,whichwaskiller:Motörhead,BodyCount,Metallica,andus.WedidtheRoseBowlinPasadenaafterthat,whichwasjusthuge,andthenweendedthetourinSeattle.Andafterafewdays,everyonerealizedthatwhatI’ddonewasaonetimething.

Asgreatasthattourwas,Iwasrelievedthemomentitwasover.IwasthankfulthatIdidn’thavetoseetheMetallicaguyseverydayanymore,consideringthatIwasneversureofwhatAxlwasgoingtodofromgigtogig.ThatlastdayIfeltasIhadfeltfortheentiretour:Iwaselatedatwhatwehadachieved,yetbummedthatithadn’tbeenasamazinglystupendousasitshouldhavebeen.

ATTHEENDOFOURYEARLONGTOURthebiggestmistakeofallcametolight:we’dbarelymadeanymoney.BetweentheunionduesincurredbyAxltakingthestagelatenightafternightandthethemepartiesthatbledusdrynightafternight,wehadnexttonothingtoshowforallofourhardwork.DougfinallyconfrontedAxlabouttheband’sspendingontheMetallicatourandthefactthatourprofitmarginhadbeeneatenupbyourexcesses.IthinkAxlhadafewsuggestionsastocostcuttingthatwouldn’thavedonemuch,butDougfinallygotthroughtohim:hetoldAxlthatifhewantedtokeephisnicenewmulti-million-dollarmansioninMalibu,heneededtoearnmoremoney.

AndsoDougbookedusanotheryearofdates,startingwithSouthAmerica,Europe,Japan,andAustraliafromOctober1992throughJanuary1993.Ashardasitwastoendure,Douggotnoargumentfromtherestofus—wewantedtoplay.WhatelsewouldIbedoinganyway?Andatthesametime,Ithoughtmaybethingswouldchange.Ialsowonderedcontinuallywhethertheextratourhadbeenbookedoutofconcernfortheband’sfinancesortolandDougaheftycommission.

Beforeweheadedoutagain,IgotmarriedtoReneeinOctober1991.Wedefinitelydidn’tdoitsmall—itwasthisreallybigproductionthatIhadverylittletodowith.MyonlymemoriesofplanningitinvolveReneeshowingmeanendlessnumberofbooksfullofgiftstopickout.Icouldn’trelatetoanyofitandmylackofinterestmadeherveryupset.TheweddingtookplaceattheFourSeasonsinMarinaDelRey,withDuffasmybestman,acouplehundredpeople,includingmybandmatesandcrew,andaloungeband.Assoonasweweremarried,weheadedtoAfrica,toTanzania,onsafarifortwoweeksforourhoneymoon.Forawildlifefanaticlikeme,Africawasalwaysonthetopofmylistforavacation:thereIcouldseewhatI’dbeenreadingaboutinbooksandseeingontelevisionmywholelife.Iwasobsessedwithleopardswhilewewerethere;I’dgetupatfiveeverymorningtogooutonsafariandgetbackbysixintheevening.Itwasthegreatestplaceintheworldtoforgetabouteverythingthatwasweighingonmymind.It’shardtoimaginethatanyofitmatterswhenyou’restandinginthemiddleoftheNgorongoroCraterfarfromanytraceofcivilization.

Beforethewedding,ReneeandIhadacoedbachelor/bachelorettepartyattheTroubadour,becauseReneedidn’twantmetogettogetherunsupervisedwiththeguys.Andatthatlittleparty,IranintoanoldfriendnamedPerla.

theguys.Andatthatlittleparty,IranintoanoldfriendnamedPerla.

PerlaandIhadbeenintroducedinLasVegaswhenwewereheadliningtheThomas&MackCenterduringthefirstlegoftheIllusiontour.AtthatpointIwassleepingaroundalot;itwaswhenReneeandIwerestilldatingverycasually.Perladidn’tknowshitaboutGunsN’Rosesandshedidn’tcareto—she’dcomeoutfromL.A.becauseshe’dseenapictureofmeandwantedtomeetme.RonJeremyintroducedusbeforetheshow,andafterwardwemetatmyhotelandhungoutallnightlong.Let’sjustsaythatsheleftamajorimpressiononmethatgrewintoaseriousinfatuation.

WeexchangednumbersandkeptintouchwhenIheadedoffontourafterthat.Eventuallyshebecameatenantofmine;sherentedtheWalnutHousefrommeforayearandwasthebesttenantIeverhad.ItsaysalotaboutthestrengthofPerla’scharacterthatshelivedtherewithoutlosinghermindbecausethatplacehadadetrimentaleffectoneveryoneelsewholivedthere—myselfincluded,Isuppose.

MyfirsttenantsweretwobisexualchicksthatImetduringoneofourfourL.A.Forumshows.Theywereinthefrontrowandtheyweregoingatitprettyprovocativelyduringtheentiregig.Ihadthembroughttothedressingroomafterwardformoreofthesameandwestayedintouch;I’dcallthemupandhavethemoverandwatchthemandwe’dallhaveagoodtime.IrentedthemthehousewhenIwasgoingoffontour,whichseemedlikeagoodidea,buttheycompletelylostit—theygotstrungoutonmethandonegirlkilledtheothergirl’scatandthenattackedher.The“victim”movedout,andthentheotheronemovedamethdealerintothehouse.Ihadtogooverthereandtakecareofthesituation,andwhenIsawthatonegirlagainIbarelyrecognizedher.MysecondtenantwasthisguyJimwhoworkedatazooasasnakekeeper.Ihiredhimtolookaftermysnakesandeventuallytookhimonasatenant.Apparentlyhesufferedsomekindofmeltdowntooandcompletelylostitwhilelivingthereaswell.Perlawastheonlyonewhowasn’tfazedbytheplace—andtheonlyonewhopaidherrentontimeandactuallyenjoyedlivingthere.

Anyway,onceI’dgottenbacktogetherwithRenee,andgottenengagedandallofthat,IdidmybesttoavoidPerlabecauseIknewthattherewassomethingseriousbetweenusthatIcouldn’tdeny.AftermyfightwithReneeovertheprenupandmyODinSanFrancisco,Ididn’tgiveafuck,however,andarrangedtomeetPerlaatourSanDiegoshow,justtwoshowsbeforetheendofthetourandjustafewweeksbeforemywedding.Wespentthenighttogetherthere,andthenexttimeIsawherwaswhenshecrashedmybachelorparty.Shewas

thenexttimeIsawherwaswhenshecrashedmybachelorparty.Shewasdangerous;therewassuchanattractionbetweenusthatneitherofuscoulddeny.Atthesametime,shewaswaytooambitiousandenergetictogetintoarelationshipwith;shewasseventeenandIwastwenty-five;shewastoocrazy,sonotinaplacewhereIwantedtocancelmyweddingtobewithher.Shewasarealfirecracker,though,andtheconnectionwasstrongenoughthatIspentthenightwithheroncemore…thenightbeforemywedding,infact.

INLATENOVEMBER,WESETOFFTOPLAYSouthAmericaandfoundourselvesinthemiddleofsuddenpoliticalunrestwhenwedidashowinCaracas,Venezuela.Corruptlawenforcement,abundantdrugs,andtheworld’smostdedicatedandzealouscrowdsarethestatusquoacrossthatcontinent,soIcan’tsaythatIwassurprised.Wewerescheduledtoplaythebiggestconcertinthehistoryofthecountry,andsincetherewasn’tavenuelargeenoughtoholdtheforty-fivethousandticketholders,thepromotercreatedoneinahugeparkinglot.Itwasanamazingshow,andallwentoffwell…untilthenextnight,whenthecountryexperiencedasuddenmilitarycoupjustafterweleftforColombia.Wemadeitout,butafewofourcrew,andoverhalfourgear,didnot—theygotheldupinthechaosattheairport.

WeweresupposedtoplaytwonightsinBogotá,Colombia,afterthat,butwithoutthathugecargocrateofequipment,itwasn’treallyanoption.Thepromoterdecidedtorollbothnightsintooneshow,totakeplacethenextnight,sowehadadayofftorelaxinourhotel.Thehotelwasprettyhuge,itwaspartofsomekindofcomplexwithabigmovietheaterdownstairs,andIremembercominguptheescalatorandwatchingaJurassicParkpinballmachineemergeonthehorizonasIgottothetop.I’djustseenthemovieandIhadtoplaythatthing;itcombinedtwoofmyfavoriteinterests,dinosaursandpinball.WhenIgottomyroomIarrangedtohaveitbroughtupandspenttheentiredaybeingtheball.

Duringourstay,wordgotouttotheauthoritiesthatwehaddrugs,so,inanothermovetypicalofSouthAmerica,theauthoritiesgot“warrants”tosearchourrooms,inhopesoffindingsomethingthatmightrequireustobuythemoff,Iimagine.Thedayoftheshow,thecopsbargedinonallofus.Ihadnothing;theycamein,gunsdrawn,andfoundme,freshlyshowered,inatowelplayingpinball.

“Oh,hey,”Isaid.“Hi!”

“Oh,hey,”Isaid.“Hi!”

Theyshowedmethewarrantandstartedsearchingmyroom.Iwasprettyjovialastheytorethroughmystuff.

“Señor,isitokayifIkeepplaying?”Iasked.

Theshowthatnight—November29,1992—wasprettymagical;itwasoneofthosemomentsthatyoucan’tbelieveishappeningevenasyouwatchitallunfold,evenasyou’reapartofit.Therewasatorrentialrainstormtheentiredaybeforeasourcrewsetup;theweightofthewaterbuckledthestageroof(whichwasn’tours),sendingalightingrigcrashingtotheground.Luckily,noonewashurt.Thewholestagehadtoberedesigned.Thenthedayoftheshow,asuddenstormdamagedsomeofourequipment.Despitemorerain,peoplefilledthearenaandwerelinedupoutside,wherefightsbrokeout,afewcarswereburned,andthepolicehadtouseteargastocalmeveryonedown.

Whenwetookthestagesometimearoundelevenp.m.,theplacewentcrazy.Wewereplayingreallywell,andtherainhadheldoffthroughoutthefirsthourofoursetuntilweplayed“NovemberRain.”Aswestartedthatsong,literallyoncue,theskyopenedanditpouredonceagain.Itwasoneofthosemassivetropicaldownpourswhereonedropcanfillacoffeecup.Itwascomingdowninablackmistthatmixedwiththesteamrisingoffoftheaudience.Icouldbarelyseethroughthecloudsthatformedinthearena;thepeoplewereaseaofsilhouettes.Itwasverydramaticandverybeautiful;itfeltasiftheyandthebandwereone.Theaudiencewasasmovedaswewere—theywereintoit,trulypassionate.Itrainedsohardthatwefinishedthesongthenwehadtobreakuntilthestormpassed,andonceitdid,wecamebackonandgaveiteverythingwehad.

WehadeveryobstaclepossiblebefallusbetweenourshowinVenezuelaandtheshowsinColombia,andconsideringtheband’schemistryintherecentpast,youwouldexpectthatwe’dhavefallenapartundersuchduress.ButthatwasthethingaboutGuns:we’dself-destructwheneverythingwaseasy,butinthoseinstanceswheneverysinglefactorseemedtobeagainstus,everyone,Axlincluded,pulledtogethertomakeithappen.Theextremelowsmighthaveleftmefeelingliketherewasnotomorrow,butwhenwe’dpulloffthesevaliantrock-and-rollproductionsinthefaceofadversity,I’dfeellikewewereinvincible;I’dthinkwewerethestrongestbandaround.Thosemomentsrenewedourcollectivefaithandboostedmoralelikenothingelse.Ratherthanbe

frustratedbywhatbefellusinSouthAmerica,welettheaudiencesatallofthosegigssustainuswiththeirpassionanddriveustobeourbest.Ourplayingwaselevated;itwasasintenseasthefanswere—wewerecarriedawayalongwiththem.Wereachedthatpointthatmusicianstalkaboutwhereyouareimmersedinwhatyouaredoingtothedegreethatyoudon’tevenknowwhoyouare—youarepartoftheperformancesofullythatyouaren’tthinkinganymore.Thosemomentsaremagicalandthatwholetourwaslikethat,everysinglenight.Itwasthebandatitsbest;itwassomethingthatanybodywouldhavegiventheirleftarmtobeapartof…ifitoccurredconsistently.Butitwasn’teverthatsimple:whenweweren’tbeingtranscendentwespecializedinself-inflicteddisaster.

INJANUARY1993,WESETOFFONAtourofJapan,Australia,andNewZealand,withaneighty-personcrewandentourageintow.WeranintoRonnieWoodinJapan,whichwasgreat.HeandIhadbeenfriendsforyearsbythen,sohejoinedusonstageattheTokyoDomefor“Knockin’onHeaven’sDoor,”andDuffandMattandIhungoutwithhimaftertheshow.Thatwasareallygoodnight.Therestofthattourwasjustmoreofthesame—greatshows,somedrama—plusalotofexpensivego-karting,yachting,anddining.Thethemepartiesmighthavebeeneliminatedbutthewastefuldaysoffwerenot.

WereturnedtotheStatesinearlyFebruaryandhadamonthoffbeforewestartedthenextleg,anAmericantourwecalledSkinandBones.Thisjauntinparticularwasaimedatmakingusmoney,becausetheproductionwasstrippedbacktothebareessentials:wekeptDizzyReed,butTeddyandthehornsectionweregone,aswerethebackupsingers.ThistourfeaturedanacousticsectioninthemiddleofthesetthatshowcasedthehitsoffofLiesaswellasafewcoversongs,suchas“DeadFlowers.”Icouldn’thavebeenhappier:finallyweweretouringasabare-bonesrock-and-rollbandagain.

Thisleg,inmymind,wasourchancetoshowtheworldtheUseYourIllusionrecordsasI’dalwaysheardthem.ThedaythatI’dfinishedrecordingmylastguitarpartforthoserecordsIleftthestudiowithamixofthemthatwassimpleandraw,beforeanysynthsorhornsorbackupvocaltrackswerelayeredon.I’veneverforgottenhowcooltheysoundedinthatstripped-down,simple,powerfulstate.IwishthatIstillhadacopyofthem;orthattheywerefloatingaroundtheInternetsomewhere.Believeme,theysoundedsocool;theywereentirelydifferentbeastsaltogetherfromtheversionsthatgotreleased.I’mnot

goingtogetintohindsightaboutwhatcouldhavebeen,butallinalltheyweretwowhollydifferentbodiesofwork.Inanycase,wegotachancetodothesongsscaledbackandstraightupwiththebandreducedtoitsnormalsize…Iwaselated.

ThetourstartedinAustin,Texas,inlateFebruaryandthatfirstshowwentfine,butweimmediatelyranintotrouble.Overthefirstfewweekswehadtocancelfourshowsduetoinclementweather.InSacramentoinearlyApril,someoneintheaudiencethrowabottleofJackandhitDuffsquareinthehead,knockinghimunconscious.Thatwassoridiculous,nottomentiondangerous.Anytimepeoplethrowshitonstagetogetareaction—Iassumebecauserockbandsseemlargerthanlife—isjustinsane.I’mneversurewhatthey’reafterwhentheythrowsomethingthatcandoactualbodilyharm.We’ddoneaboutninetyminutesatthatpoint,butthatwastheendoftheshowbecauseDuffwasreallyhurt.

Ivolunteeredtobetheonetotelltheaudiencethatthey’dfuckedup.TheycheeredwhenIcamebackonstage,buttheyweren’thappyaboutwhatIhadtosay.

“ThatbottleofpissknockedDuffunconsciousandnowhe’sonhiswaytothehospital,”Isaid.“Thereisnowaythatwe’recomingbackout.Theshowisover.Pleaseleavepeacefullyanddon’tfuckwithanyone.Don’tfuckwiththebuilding.”

WecanceledashowinAtlantabothtoletDuffrecoverandbecauseAxlhadbeenarrestedthereduringtheAppetitetourforkickingintheheadasecurityguardwhomhe’dsupposedlyseenroughingupaudiencemembers.Dougdidn’ttrusteitherAxlorthevenue’ssecurityandhewasprobablyrightonbothcounts.

ThenattheendofApril,whenwewerebackinL.A.,Gilbybrokehiswristinamotorcycleaccident.Weweren’tsurehowbaditwasuntilheshowedupatabandmeetinginaveryserious-lookingcast.

“Wow,”Isaid.“Thatlooksprettybad.”

“Howlongisthatgonnataketoheal?”Axlaskedhim.

Gilbylookedtrulydepressed.“Twoorthreeweeks.”

“Aw,fuck!”

“Aw,fuck!”

“Iknow,man,”Gilbysaid.“Thisfuckingsucks.”

WehadaEuropeantourbooked,startingwithtwodatesinRussia—ourfirstever—twoweekslater.

“Fuckit,”Axlsaid.“Let’scallIzzy.”

IwassurprisedandhappytohearthatIzzywentforit…thoughIwascompletelyconfusedtohearthatIzzydidn’twanttorehearseatall—notthatwehadmuchtimetoanyway.Asitturnsout,thepoliticalsituationinRussiainMay1993wastoounstableforustoplayMoscow,soweflewtoTelAviv,Israel,torehearsewithIzzybeforewelaunchedthetourthereattheHayarkonParkArena.WebookedarehearsalspacestudioinTelAvivanditwasatrip:thisplacewasarecordingstudioaswellandIthinkthattheengineersdidn’tbelievethebandbookedwasactuallyusuntilwewalkedthroughthedoor.Wegottogetherinthischeapoldspotthatwashomey—inaforeignway—andrunbytheseoldpeoplewhowerereallycool.Itwasanaveragerehearsalspacewithmidrangerecordingequipmentandthey’dclearlyneverhadanyonelikeusinthere,sowetotallyblewthemawayandforthatreasonaloneitwasworthit.Izzyshowedup…withdreadlocks…andhadn’tpracticedonesong.Sowedidwhatwecould.

WeplayedtofiftythousandpeopleinIsraelforthefirsttimetwodayslater,whichwasthebiggestconcertthatthecountryhadeverseen.Sadly,itwasaprettylooseset,becauseIzzywasn’tuptospeedandhadn’tbeenconscientiousaboutpracticing.Thepresscriticizedusprettyharshly,sayingwehadusedtheopportunityasawarm-update,whichwasnottrueatall;wewantedittobegreat,butwitharhythmguitaristwhowasstillunfamiliarwiththematerial,therewasonlysomuchwecoulddo.Wedidthegig,wehungoutthereforacoupleofdays;wesawallofthesights.

Izzy,Duff,andIsawwhereJesuswasborn,andwewenttoeatinthesquarearoundtheWailingWall,andwhileweweresittingatthisoutdoorcafénearthezooIwatchedabusloadofschoolkidsgetoffforafieldtrip.Ateitherendofthebuswereparents,orteachers,oradultsupervisorsofsomekindwhowerearmedwithrifles.Theyarrangedthekidsinalinefortheirtourofthezooandonearmedadulttookthefront,onetooktheback,andonewalkedinthemiddleofthem,allwiththeirriflesstrappedaroundthem.I’dneverseenanythinglikethatinmylife.I’dhadafriendfromIsraelwho’dgonebacktodohistwoyears

thatinmylife.I’dhadafriendfromIsraelwho’dgonebacktodohistwoyearsofmandatorymilitarydutyandIthoughtabouthimjustthen:he’dcomebackacompletelydifferentguy.He’dgoneoffasanerdandreturnedasanerdwithcombatexperience.

IZZYSTAYEDOUTTHEREWITHUSFORawhile,allthroughGreeceandTurkey—placeswe’dneverplayedbefore.Ididn’tthinkmuchofitatthetime,butIzzywasdoingwhathedoesbest;hewascheckingoutthesituation,takingstock,observingeverything,takingpartwhilecommittingtonothing.Hewantedtoseewhathadchangedandwhathadn’t.Hewastakingnoteofhowmuchdrinkingwasgoingon,whatAxl’stripwas.Hewastestingthewatertoseeifhecoulddealwithit.AtthetimeIstillthoughthe’dquitthebandbecauseoftheriotinSt.LouisandthenearriotinGermany.Ididn’tevenrealizethatthoseincidentsweretheleastofhisreasons.

FortheentireIllusiontour,alltwo-plusyearsofit,wehadtwocameraguyswithusdocumentingeverysinglemoment.Thoseguyswereclosefriends,sowereallylettheminandtheyreallygotitall.Theycapturedthekindofhistorythatanyoneasidefromthemembersofthebandwouldneversee.Theywereoutwithusonthislegofthetour,ofcourse,aswasDelJames,whobecameadefactonarratorattimes,conductinginterviewsandtellingthecameraguyswhatwaswhat.OnenightDelandthecamerascaughtIzzyandmejammingonouracousticguitars,justhittingloosestuffthewaywedidwhennoonewasaround.Wefellintothepocketsonaturally,anditfeltcomfortableandsogreat,thatI’dlovetoseeatapeofthat.Wehavetwoyearsoffootage,infact,allofwhichisinavaultthatwillremainshutforeverunlessAxlandtherestofusgetourdifferencesironedout.ThatfootageistheHolyGrailofGunsN’Roses:seeingthefilmthatwouldresultfromcondensingthebestmomentsintotwohourswouldbethebe-allandend-allofknowingexactlywhowewereandwhoweare.

IzzyremainedonboarduntillateMay,endinghisrunwithtwoshowsattheNationalBowlinMiltonKeynes,England.Gilbyflewoutandhungoutandthetwoofthemgotalonggreat.Therewasnodramaasthebatonwaspassed,thankGod.

FromtherewecontinuedacrossNorthernEurope;wedidourmakeupshowinNorway,oursecondtryatourfirstever.We’dhadtocancelthefirsttimeitbecauseAxlgot“heldup”inParis.NorwaywasabigoneforMatt,sincehis

becauseAxlgot“heldup”inParis.NorwaywasabigoneforMatt,sincehisfamilyisNorwegian;hewasprettyintovisitingtherootsofhisNordichistory.

AparticularlymemorablenighttookplaceinCologne,Germany;thekindofnightthatImightnotremembercompletely,butonethatIamrememberedfor.Wehadadayoff,whichGilbyandIspentsightseeing.LateronwemetthebandandsomefriendsatthisItalianrestaurant,wherewefilledahugecornerbanquette.Wehadtonsoffood,allofthiswine,andattheendofthemeal,GilbyandIdecidedtoindulgeinafewgrappashots.Thefirstfewwentdownfineandallwaswell.Thenwedidonemoreandsuddenlyitallwentwrong:Ipukedeverywhere.ItwasanExorcistpuke;Iwassittinginthedeepcornerofthebooth,soitwentalloverthetable,andinexcusiblyallovereveryonearoundme.Itflowedacrosstheplatesandeverythingandstarteddrippingonthefloor.Idon’tknowwhatwaswrongwiththeownersofthisplace,buttheyfounditcharming.TheyweresohonoredtohaveustherethatmepukingupmymealatthetablewasA-OK.Icommemoratedthenightbysigningtheirguestbook:“Ofalltherestaurantsintheworld,thisisdefinitelyoneofthem!”Thatline,bytheway,wasdefinitelystolenfromMike“McBob”Mayhew.

ThetourcontinuedthroughEuropeandthenreturnedtoSouthAmerica.WedidourlastdateinArgentinaonJuly17,1993.AsIrecallweplayeduntilabouttwoa.m.andthencommandeeredthehotelbaruntilaboutsixa.m.AndwhenwereturnedtoL.A.wehadthehonorofhavingdonethelongesttourinrockhistory.We’dplayed192showsintwoandahalfyears,spanningtwenty-sevencountries.Oversevenmillionpeoplehadseenusperform.Idon’treallykeeptrackofmyachievements,butifIdidthatistheoneI’dpointoutfirstandforemost.

IRETURNEDTOL.A.EXHAUSTEDANDwentstraighttoRenee’sstepmom’shouseforsomekindoffamilygathering.Herstepmom’snamewasDee,buteveryonecalledherMa,becauseshewasaverysweetoldladyofaboutseventyorso.Herhousewascozy,withpicturesofthefamilyeverywhere;itwasjustniceineveryway.Andinthemiddleofthisquaintlittlegathering,abindleofcokefelloutofmypocket.

Beforewe’dsetoffonthatlastSouthAmericanleg,Matt,Duff,andIspentalotofourtimeoutonthetowndoingblow.Oneofthenightsbeforeweleft,we’ddoneasmuchaswehadandIrememberthinkingthatwe’dboughtmorethanweweregoingtodo.I’dputthatextrabindleinmyjacketandforgotten

thanweweregoingtodo.I’dputthatextrabindleinmyjacketandforgottenaboutit.Actually,latethatnight,Itriedtofinditandcouldn’t—I’drummagedaroundinmyjacketandjeans,andconvincedthatI’ddroppeditsomewherealongtheway,IjustwenttosleepwithRenee.

ThemomentIsawitonthefloor,Reneesawit,too,andIimmediatelyputmyfootoveritbeforeMaoranyoneelsenoticed.ThenIcasually“checked”myshoeandpickeditup.Whenwegothomeandstarteddoingit,IrealizedthatthisthinghadbeeninmyjacketforthewholeSouthAmericantour—IhadactuallybroughtcokeintoSouthAmericaandback,whichisridiculous,becausethatisthelastplacewhereyouneedtobringyourowncoke.

Itwasn’tmyfirsttimeavertinginternationaldisaster:thefirsttimewe’dtouredSouthAmerica,IwasalmostdeportedbacktoEngland:Ididn’thavemyU.S.orBritishpassportandmyworkvisahadexpired.TheentirebandwentthroughcustomswhileIwasdetainedbytheauthoritiesatLAX.Theonlypersonwhostayedwithmewasmysecurityguard,Ronnie.Itdidn’tlookgood:IwasintheholdingroomsurroundedbyarmedguardsandIwaswearingshorts,aleatherjacket,aT-shirt,andatophat.TherewasthisoneAsian-Americancustomsofficerreallyputtingittome,whilehisyoungersidekickknewwhoIwas,whichonlyseemedtofuelhisboss’scontemptforme.Intheendwehadtopayahundred-dollarwaivertogetmeoutandIdidn’thaveanymoneyonme.NeitherdidRonnie—sohewentpanhandlingintheairport,atthearrivalsterminalinLAX,togetit.

AMIDALLOFTHEHIGHANDLOWPOINTS,wedidsomeamazingperformancesthat,thinkingbackonit,rivalallofthebandsIlookeduptoasakid.Wehadaveryestablishedchemistryandadynamicthatwaspriceless.We’dmadehistory,butwhenitwasoverIwasfried,andashardasitwasformetoadmitit,Iwasgladtobehomeforthefirsttimeinmylife.Thecontroversyandthestruggletopullthetouroffhadgottentomemorethananythingelse:thechaosofthatemotionalrollercoaster,withallofitsinstability,hadwornmeout.WhenIcamehome,Ihadtoreacclimate,tosaytheleast.

I’dsoldtheWalnutHouseandReneeandIhadboughtaplaceoffofMulhollandDrive,wherewetriedtostopthewheelsforasecond,whichonceagainwasveryhardformetodo.Iinstalledafull-onreptilezoooverthere;justagazillionsnakesandallkindsofstuff.Ibuiltasmallstudiooverthegarage,andwhenthenaggingdesiretoworkstartedtorearitsheadagain,Ibegan

andwhenthenaggingdesiretoworkstartedtorearitsheadagain,IbeganworkingondemosforsongsthatI’dwrittenontheroad.

IstartedhangingoutwithMattandrecordingdemosofthatstuffjustforfun,andMikeInezfromAliceinChainsandGilbystartedtocomearoundandplaywithus.Thethreeofusjustgotintoagrooveofjammingandrecordingeverynight.Wedidn’tknowwhatitwasgoingtobe.AtsomepointIplayeditforAxl,whotookapronounceddisinterestinit.

Thatwasfinebyme.Iwaswritingforthehellofit,justdoingmusicthatwasindicativeofwhereIwasatthatmoment.Ihadn’tgraspedtheideaofdoingaGunsrecordorwhatthatmightbegoingforward;Iwasjusthavingagoodtimewithnopressurewhatsoever.

Werecordedabouttwelvesongs.IhadjustmixedthelastofthemthenightoftheNorthridgeearthquakein1994.I’dfinishedataboutfoura.m.,andIwentdownstairstoourbedroom.Reneewassleeping,theTVwason,andIputtheDAToftheentiretwelvedemosforwhatwouldbecomeSlash’sSnakepitonthenightstandandgotintobed.ThesecondIturnedoutthelight,theearthquakehit.TherewasaTVinacabinetthatraisedandloweredatthefootofthebed.Atthatmomentitwasup,andtheTVwason,andasitwasblastingupthebedbetweenReneeandmeitexploded,justasallthepowerinthehousewentout.ThenextfiveminuteswerelikeGodzillashakingtheplace.Ittookmeafewmomentstoevenrealizejustwhatwashappening.

Renee’scousinwasstayingwithusatthetime;itwashisfirsttimeinL.A.,andwhenwe’dhadlunchdownonMelroseearlierthatday,heaskedmewhatearthquakeswerelike.IntheconfusionIthoughtabouthim.Hewasasleepdownthehallintheoffice,nexttoaroomfullofvenomoussnakes.IgotReneeoutofbed,andgothertothedoorwayofourbedroom.Shewassogroggythatsheopenedthedoorintoherheadaboutthreetimesbeforeshethoughttomoveoutoftheway.AfterIgothersituated,Iwentdownthehallandknockedonthedoor.TherewasagiantarmoireinthatroomandRenee’scousinwassleepingatthefootofitonthefloor.Ipanickedandcalledoutforhimbuttherewasnoanswer.Ithoughtthathemustbetrappedunderthearmoireuntilfinallyheresponded.Likehiscousin,Gregbangedhisheadafewtimesonthedoorgettingoutofthere.

Thehousecontinuedtoshakeasthethreeofushuddledinthedoorwaytoourbedroom.Reneewasbetweenus,withnoshirton,andshewasprettywellbuilt.Despitewhatwasgoingonaroundus,Istillfoundthatprettyfunny.We

built.Despitewhatwasgoingonaroundus,Istillfoundthatprettyfunny.Werodeoutwaveafterwave;eachofthemfeltlikesomethingwasattackingthehouse.Thenoisewasdeafening:glasswasbreaking,furniturewasbeingtossedaround,oureightcatswerehowling,andthemountain-lioncubthatwehadinthebathroomwassquealinglikecrazy.

Wewaitedthereforwhatfeltlikeafewhoursuntilthelastaftershockdieddown.Thedamagewasunbelievable.TherewereTVsdumpedinthemiddleofpinballmachines,ourfridgehadflownacrosstheentirekitchen,thehugefloor-to-ceilingwindowsinthefrontofthehousewereshattered.

Iwasmostconcernedaboutwheremythreecobras,Gilamonsters,andtheothervenomousandpotentiallydangerousreptilesmightbe.Iwaiteduntilitwaslightenoughinthehousetoopenthedoortotheroomwheretheywerekeptbecauselookingforvenomoussnakesinthedarkisn’tagoodidea.Somehownoneofthetankswerebrokenandallofthesnakeswereokay.

Thehousewascompletelytotaledandtoomuchofamessforustohandle,sowedrovetotheFourSeasonsinMarinaDelReyandmadeplanstoflywithGregbacktoChicago.Wehadourmountainlion,Curtis,withus;wesnuckhimintotheFourSeasonsinhiscageandlockedhiminourbathroom.Likemostofmyanimals,hewasanorphanthatI’dadoptedandwasraisinginmyhome.

Wecleanedupabitandheadedtotherestaurant,andwerewaitingfortheelevatorwhenIturnedaroundandsawCurtis,whohadopenedboththebathroomdoorandthedoortotheroomandwasfollowingustodinner.Irealizedthatwehadtodealwithhimimmediately,soIcalledafriendwhoisananimalcaretakerwhopickedhimupandtookhimuptocanyoncountry,whereafriendofminehadafacilitythathousedexoticanimals.

ThenextdaywetookofftoChicago,wherewehungoutwithRenee’suncleBernie,whoturnedouttobeaverycoolguy…notsomeonewhowouldkillmeforcheatingonhisniece.

WhenweeventuallyreturnedtoL.A.ReneeandIdecidedtosellthathouserightaway.Ithadtobetorndownandrebuilt,soweleasedaplaceandinthemeantimeIfocusedonrecording.WithMikeClinkproducing,andMattandMikeInezplaying,Iproperlyrecordedthedemoswe’ddone.Wefoundourselvesasinger—EricDoverofJellyfish—whofitthebillwellenoughatthetime.HeandIwrotelyricsforalltwelvetracksandIthinkit’sprettyeasytotellwhichsongshewroteandwhichonesIwrote:allofmysongsaredirectedat

whichsongshewroteandwhichonesIwrote:allofmysongsaredirectedatoneperson…thoughnoonepickeduponitatthetime.IusedthatrecordasanopportunitytoventalotofshitthatIneededtogetoffmychest.

MattandIgotintoabitofadisagreementbecauseIhadchosenEricwithoutgettinghisexpressapproval.Hewasreallypissedaboutthat,sowehadissuesforawhile.Anyway,DoverfinishedrecordingthevocalsandIbroughtittoGeffenandtheygotbehindit.EverythingwasinplaceandwewerereadytotaketheSnakepitontour,haditnotbeenforthefactthatMattandMikeInezweren’tabletogo.

Iwasn’tgoingtobediscouragedbythat,soIenlistedBrianTishyandJamesLamenzo,whoareinZakkWylde’sband,androundedoutthelineupwithGilbyClarke.WebookedourselvesatouracrosstheUnitedStates,Europe,Japan,andAustralia.Weshottwovideosandreleasedthesingle“BeggarsandHangersOn.”Andwehadalotoffun:therewasnodrama;wejustbookedgigs,showedup,gotupthere,andplayed.Wedidclubsandtheatersanditwasgreat;itreallyhelpedmerediscoverwhyIlovewhatIdo.Thatprojectwastheessentialsoul-searchingthatIneeded,becauseIfeltlikeI’dforgottenmyselfoverthelasttwoyears.ItwasashotinthearmformetorediscoverwhatIalwaysknew:beinginabanddoesn’thavetobesotaxingemotionallyandpsychologically…itcanjustbeallabouttheplaying.

DURINGTHETIMETHATIRECORDEDTHESnakepitdemosandputthatbandtogetherandwentontour,therewereafewthingsgoingonsimultaneouslyintheGunsuniverse.WeputtogetherTheSpaghettiIncident,ourrecordofpunkcovers,andpackageditforrelease.We’dworkedonalotofthosetrackshereandthereovertheprevioustwoyears.We’drecorded“BuickMcCain,”“Ain’tItFun,”andmostoftheothersattheRecordPlant,butafew,like“SinceIDon’tHaveYou,”wererecordedondaysoffontheroad,probablyduringtheSkinandBonestour,becausetheyfeatureDizzyonpiano.

ThatrecordwasreleasedinNovember1993,andthesingle,whichwasn’tthebestideaatall,was“SinceIDon’tHaveYou,”thoughitwasastellarversionofthatsong.Wedidavideoforit,too.AroundthattimeIwaspartyingalotwithGaryOldman,andthedayofmyshoot,Itookhimwithmetotheset.After“NovemberRain”and“Estranged,”Iwasfedupwiththeband’shigh-conceptvideos,andthispromisedtobeanotherone—allofthemmastermindedbyAxl.InearlywalkedoffthesetwhenIwastoldthatIneededtostandina

byAxl.InearlywalkedoffthesetwhenIwastoldthatIneededtostandinapoolofwaterandposewhileplayingmyguitarforsomethinglikefifteentakes.Garywastheonewhointervened.

“No,no,”hesaid.“Itwillbefine.Justholdon.”

Hedisappearedintothemakeupandwardroberoomforquiteawhile,onlytoemergeinacompletelyauthenticVictoriancostume,madeuptolookliketheMarquisdeSade.Hehadafewprops,too,andhedecidedthathewasgoingtorowmeinaboat,acrosstheriverStyx,asIplayedmysolointhepouringrain.Bythetimewegottoshooting,helostthecostumeandendedupplayingthiswhite-faceddemonintightblackshorts…healmostdidtoogoodajob.Afterthatafternoon,I’mprettysurethatthenexttimeIheardfromhim,Garywasinrehab.

DUFF,AXL,MATT,GILBY,ANDIGOTtogetheronandofftotrytowritenewmaterial,whichdidn’tproveinspiringatall.Bythatpoint,thesupportgroupI’dalwaysenjoyedtohelpmedealwithAxlwasgone—Izzywasthelastoneinthebandwho’dbeenabletogetthroughtohimcreatively.BetweenDuffandme…wejustdidn’thavethepropertoolstocommunicatewithhimeffectively.

Afterafewmonthsduringwhicheveryonedidtheirownthingandwegotnothingdonewhenwemet,AxlfiredGilbywithoutconsultinganyone.HisrationalewasthatGilbyhadalwaysbeenahiredhandandthathecouldn’twritewithhim.AxltheninsistedonhiringPaulHuge,thisguyheknewfromIndianawho,forwhateverreason,alsocallshimselfPaulTobias.Theyhadhistory:thetwoofthemcowrote“BackOffBitch”amongothersongs.Iwasopentotheidea…untilPaulshowedup:hehadnopersonalitywhatsoeverandnoparticularguitarstyleorsoundthatIcouldidentifywith.Hewas,withoutadoubt,theleastinteresting,mostblandguyholdingaguitarthatI’devermet.Itriedmybesttoworkwithhim,butitwentnowhere.Itwasevenmoreawkwardthanitsoundsbecauseourstiltedinteractiontookplaceatrehearsalwitheveryoneelsewatchingus.

Itriedtostickwithit,butIwasn’taloneinfeelinglikewewerebeingforce-fedsomeguywithnoinnatequalitieswhodidn’tdeserveandcouldn’thandlethegig.Butitwashopeless,wecouldn’ttalkAxloutofitatall.IdidwhatIcould:Itriedseveraltimestohaveaone-on-onewithHugetoseeifIwas

missingsomedeepersparkinhischaracterthatAxlhadseen…No,itwasuseless;theguywasirredeemable.Itwasliketalkingtoawall,awallwithabadattitude.HewastotallyarrogantandgaveoffthevibethathewasAxl’sboy,thathewasin,andthateveryoneelsehadtodealwithit.Inaword,hisvibewas“I’mgreat,fuckyou!”Andmyresponsewas“Yeah?Whatever!”

DuffandIhatedhim,Matthatedhim,andAxlwasleftgraspingforstraws,yetdeterminedtorideitout.Ididn’tknowwhybutIwantedhimtobetotallysurehowwefelt,soonedayItookhimaside.

“Axl,man,listen,”Isaid.“I’vetriedtoworkwithHugeandI’vetriedtoseewhathecouldbringtotheband,butIjustdon’tgetit.Wehavenochemistryasplayersandhehasnochemistrywiththeotherguys.Ijustdon’tseehowit’sgoingtoworkwiththisguy….Ican’tevenhaveabeerwithhim.”

Axllookedannoyed.“Whydoyouhavetohaveabeerwithhim?”hesaid.

“YouknowwhatImean.”

“No,”hesaid.“Idon’t.”

Therereallywasn’tanyarguingwiththatpointofview.

WerehearsedwithHugeandItriedtowritesomenewsongsatmyhomestudiowithhimanditonlygrewmoretenseineveryway.Reneehatedthefactthatweweretherebecausethenegativevibepermeatedtheentirehouse.Shewasn’teveninthestudiotryingtowork:ItwassouncomfortableandawkwardtherethatDuffandIactuallygotintoit,whichhadneverhappenedinthestudioever.Andthatwasthelaststrawforme:thenextmorningItoldDougtoleteveryoneknowthatwe’dhavetorehearseelsewherebecausetherewouldbenomoregettingtogetheratmystudio.

Axlwasdisappointedandabitpissedoff.ThenexttimeIsawhimheconfrontedme.“Whycan’twewriteatyourplace?”heasked.“What’stheproblem?”

“I’matmywit’send,man,”Isaid.“Thewholevibethereissonegativeandthat’smyhouse.Everythingwearedoingrightnowisjustbadenergy.”

ThatwasthelasttimethatAxlandIspokeforawhile.Afterthat,IfocusedonSnakepit,andIwasn’tsurprised,whenIsenthimsomedemos,thathewasn’t

onSnakepit,andIwasn’tsurprised,whenIsenthimsomedemos,thathewasn’tinterestedinthemusicIwaswritingatall.

IFYOU’VEEVERWONDEREDWHATTHEsoundofabandbreakingupsoundslike,listentoGunsN’Roses’coverof“SympathyfortheDevil,”whichwasrecordedfortheInterviewwiththeVampiresoundtrackinthefallof1994.IfthereisoneGunstrackI’dlikenevertohearagain,itisthatone.

TomZutautarrangedthewholethinganditwasagreatidea:it’sanamazing,classicsong,themoviewasgoingtobehuge,theoretically,itwouldgetusallinthesameroomworkingagain,anditwouldgivethepublic“product”totidethemover.Weweren’ttouringTheSpaghettiIncidentandwehadnoplanstostartwritingthenextalbum,soTomwasbeingpractical—thismightbeouronlynewreleaseforawhile.I’mamazedthatAxlevenagreedtodoit,becausebythenhehadstoppedtalkingtoTomZutautaltogether.Allinall,Axlhadeliminatedandreplacedeveryonewhohadhelpedthebandbuildfromthegroundupbackintheday.Healwayshadareason:IbelieveinTom’scase,AxlclaimedthathecaughthimtryingtopickupErinatsomepoint.Butdon’tquotemeonthat.

Anyway,IwasupfortheideaofdoingthiscoverbecauseIwasveryfamiliarwiththeAnneRicebooks;Ithoughttheyweregreat,whichiswhyIhadahardtimeimaginingBradPittandTomCruiseplayingthoseroles.Anyway,AxlandIwenttoscreeningsofthefilmseparately,andcompletelydisagreedonwhatwesaw.Ihatedit;Ithoughtitwascrap.

IcalledTomrightafterward.“Hey,Tom,it’sSlash,”Isaid.

“Sowhatdidyouthink?”

“Ithoughtitsucked.Ihatedit,”Isaid.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.Itwasthatbad.TelltheproducerstolicensetheStones’versionbecausewe’renotdoingit.”

Axl,ontheotherhand,lovedthemovie;hethoughtitwasbrilliantandhewantedtodothesong.Icouldn’thavebeenmoredisappointed,pissed,frustrated,andconfused.TheonlyupsideIsawtosigningoffonitwasthatit

frustrated,andconfused.TheonlyupsideIsawtosigningoffonitwasthatitwouldaccomplishwhatwe’dbeenunabletodotoanydegreeinthepastsevenmonths:itwouldactuallygetallofusintothestudio.

WebookedtimeatRumbo;wedidthebasictrackswithMikeClinkoverafewdays.Duff,Matt,andIshoweduptogethereveryday,basicallygoingoutofourwaytodosomethingthatonlyAxlwantedtodo,andnotoncedidheshowuptoasession.Fromthebasictracksthroughtothefinaloverdubs,weneversaworheardfromAxl.Wewerealreadyrecordingagainstourwill,sohisdisregardforourtimeandcommitmentdefinitelyinspiredaveryuninspiredinstrumentaltrack.Andneedlesstosay,thelevelofbitternessandresentmentreachedanall-timehigh.Itaddedinsulttoinjurythatafterwe’dcompletedourthoroughlyaverageversionof“SympathyfortheDevil,”ittookhimmorethanaweektoevenshowuptothestudiotodohisvocals.

Oncehegotaroundtolisteningtothetrack,hehadsomeconstructivecriticism.Viaalotofcommunicationsbetweenmiddlepeople,IwastoldthatIneededtorerecordmyguitarsolosothatitsoundedmorenotefornoteliketheKeithRichardsoriginal.Nowthatreallypissedmeoff,mostofallbecausethemessagereachedmethreetimesremovedlikewewereplayingagameoftelephone.

Myfirstreaction,ofcourse,was“no.”IstoodbehindwhatI’ddone,becausewhywouldIcopyKeithifthesongwassupposedtobeourversion?Thereply,throughhandlers,was:“Ifyoudon’tchangeit,Iwon’tsing.”Iswallowedmypride—yetagain—andwentintorecordamoreKeith-likeintro,thoughitwasthelastthingIwantedtodo:Keith’splayingissoawesomeonthatsongthatIdidn’twanttoevencomenearit,butIdid.Anddoingsoleftmefeelingevenmorepissedoffandputoutthanever.

AweekorsoafterthatIheardthatAxlhadfinallyscheduledtimetogoinandrecordhisvocaltracks,soIwentdowntoseehiminperson.Iwaitedforthreehours.Whenhefinallyshowedup,hecameintotheloungeandproceededtotalktomefrombehindamagazine,withoutlookingmeintheeye,foraboutfifteenminutes….Icouldn’tdealwiththatatall,soItookoff.

WhenIgotaDATofthesongwithAxl’svocalonit,Inoticedthattherewasanotherguitarlayeredontopofmineinthesolo.AxlhadgottenPaulHugetodoubleoverme.Inotherwords,thatguycopiedwhatIwasplayingonanothertrackandtheylayeredthem.Itwaslikereallybadplagiarism.

anothertrackandtheylayeredthem.Itwaslikereallybadplagiarism.

Thatwasit—havinganotherguitarplayerrecordovermewithouttellingmewasasmuchdisrespectasIwaswillingtohandle.Iwashedmyhandsofthatsong,IwashedmyhandsofGunsforthemoment,andIfocusedmyenergyonmyownsongsandmyownproject,Slash’sSnakepit’sdebut,It’sFiveO’ClockSomewhere.

ONCETHESNAKEPITGOTGOING,IWAScompletelycontent.Forthefirsttimeinyears,touringwaseasy,mybandmateswereloadsoffunandlowondrama,andeverygigwasaboutplayingrockandroll—notprovingsomethingorputtingonahugespectacle.Everythingrolledon:therecordsold,thetourwasfine;Iwasontheroadwithnoendinsight.WewereinthemidstofbookinganotherlegwhenIwasinformedbyGeffenthatthey’dsoldamillioncopiesofIt’sFiveO’ClockSomewhereandhadturnedaprofitsotheysawnoreasonformetocontinueourtour.IwastoreturntoL.A.becauseAxlwasreadytobeginworkingonthenextGunsN’Rosesrecord.They’dthoughtitthrough:incaseIobjected,theymadeitclearthatthefinancialtoursupportforSnakepitwasover.

IreturnedtoL.A.dreadingwhatlayinstoreformeandIhadgoodreasonto;whatlayinstorewasthebeginningoftheend—theconclusionofunfinished,unpleasantbusiness.Allthingsconsidered,theendhadbegunlongago;Iwasjustcominghomeforthefuneral.It’sfunny,whenfansaskme,astheydoalmosteveryday,whetherGuns,initsoriginalform,willeverreunite,itishardtotakethemseriously.Thatquestionissoasininetome;iftheyknewtherealstory,they’dalreadyknowtheanswer.Butmyresponseisalwaysthesame:“Takealookatwhateveryoneisdoingnow.DuffandMattandIarepartofareallysuccessfulband.Izzy’scontentdoinghisthing;Steven,too.AndAxlistouringwiththe‘newGuns.’Nooneismakingphonecallstoseewhenwecangetthebandtogetheragain.”

That’sthelowdownofwherewe’reallat.Onceyoutakethatintoconsideration,theanswertothereunionquestionshouldbeprettyclear,ifyouaskme.Arewecool?

12

Breakdown

Sometimesthetruthliesisinfrontofyoureyesandmakessolittlesensethatyoujustdon’tseeit;it’slikeconfrontingyourreflectioninafun-housemirror—it’shardtobelievethatthetwistedfigurestaringbackisyou.Gunshadbecomeasimilarmonster;weweresuchabizarreversionofwhatweoncewerethatIcouldbarelyrecognizeus.Butunlikethefunhouse,Icouldn’tescape;whenIturnedawayfromtheglass,thereflectionwasstillthere.

Iwasorderedtocomebackofftheroad;IwastoldtostopsomethingthatIwasenjoyingineveryway.Iwasreluctanttodothat.IwantedtokeepthetourgoingbeyondJapan;IwantedtotakeittoAustralia,IwantedtofinishwhatI’dsetouttodo.Itmightseeminconsistent,becauseSnakepitwasseenasanin-betweenprojectandabitofapartyband,butIwasambitiousaboutit.WhenIsetmymindtoachievingsomething,Iputblinderson,Iputmyheaddown,anddriveaheaduntilIgetit.AndIhadn’tquitegottenwhatI’daimedforonthatone.

Ihadbeenthatsingle-mindedanddeterminedwhenIbroughttherecordtoGeffen.Ididn’tconsideranddidn’trealizewhatwasgoingonwiththelabelin1994whenIshowedupformymeeting.Theentirerecordbusinesswasonthevergeofamassiveshift;allofthemajorswouldbecombined,sold,ordissolvedwithinthenextfewyears.AtthetimeIdidn’tknoworcare.IplayedSnakepitforZutaut,theyagreedtoputitout,andthatwasallIcaredtohear.Ididn’tsensetheconfusionthatwasgoingonupthereorintheindustryatlargeandI

sensetheconfusionthatwasgoingonupthereorintheindustryatlargeandIdidn’tacknowledgetheveryobviousanxietythatwascirculatingaboutthenextGunsN’Rosesalbum.IhadnoideathatDavidGeffenwasabouttosellthecompany,andthattheprospectofanewGunsrecordmighthavechangedthat,butevenifIdid,therewasn’tmuchIcouldhavedonetodeliverit“ontime.”

Lookingback,IrealizethatwhiletheythoughtIwasputtingthefutureofGunsinjeopardybypursuingSnakepit,theydecidedthatitwasmoreimportanttohumorme,sotheywentthewholenineyardstoletmegetitoutofmysystem.TheywerebitingtheirnailsthewholetimebutifZutautoranyoneelsehadvoicedtheirconcerns,Iwouldhavetoldthemthetruth:IhadnointentionofquittingGunsN’Roses.AspissedoffasIwas,IalwaysthoughtthatI’dgoback,aftersometimeoff,whenthetimewasright.

SoGeffenreleasedandsupportedIt’sFiveO’ClockSomewhere.Theypublicizedit,andtheygaveusfinancialtoursupport…untiltheydidn’t.AsImentioned,onceAxlinformedthelabel(orsoIwastold)thathewasreadytobeginwritingsessionsforthenextGunsrecord,myleashwasyankedandIwasorderedtocomehomebecausethewaytheysawitI’dsoldonemillionrecordsandthey’dturnedaprofitanddidn’tneedmeouttheresupportingitanymore.Thefunnythingwasthatevenafteralltheseyears,Istillneverlookedattouringasalbumpromotion—tomeitwasstilljustanexcusetoplay.

IlandedinL.A.andsettledintothenewhomethatReneeandIhadrentedaboveSunsetPlaza,inWestHollywood.I’dmovedallofthesnakesoverthereandwe’dbeenthereawhile,justrentingmonthtomonthindefinitely.ImighthavebeenmarriedbutIdidn’thavethemarriedhomeownermentalityatthatpoint.IknewthatIwas“supposedto”ownahouse,butIreallycouldn’tgetmyheadaroundtheconcept.IhadleasedaplaceforadecentpricerightaboveSunsetthathadeverythingIneeded.Itwasmyhangpad:Ihadmysnakes,IhadRenee,Ihadmypinballmachines—itwasagreatbachelorpad…formywifeandme.

SoIgotintotownloathingwhatIhadtodobecauseinthebackofmymindIknewitwasgoingtobesomanythings,noneofthemeasy.DoughadsetusupatastudiocalledtheComplex,whichwelaterdubbedtheCompound.IwentdownthereandAxlhadalreadysetupshop.Theplacehadabigrehearsalroomandaninsaneamountofoutboardgear—literallyaroomfullofsynths—aswellasanarsenalofProToolsrecordingrigsthatAxlhadrented.AxlandIhadn’tspokendirectlyatallsincemyreturn,eitherbyphoneorface-to-face:IgotmyworkingordersfromDoug.IshowedupatthescheduledtimeandIfoundmy

workingordersfromDoug.IshowedupatthescheduledtimeandIfoundmytech,AdamDay;Duff’stech,McBob;Duff,DizzyReed,andMattandPaulHuge.Axlwasnowhereinsight.Igotdowntherethatfirstnightaroundeightp.m.

Myimmediatethoughtwasthatthisscene,whichwassupposedtobeourband,remindedmewaytoomuchofrecordingforMichaelJacksononDangerous.WhenI’ddonethosesessionsforhim,Iwasblownawaybyhowmuchmoneywasgoingdownthetoilet:therewasrentedequipmenteverywhere,andIwastoldthathehadmultiplestudiosidenticallysetuparoundthecountry,booked,incurringdayrates,incasehewasinspiredtorecordthereatanygivenmoment.

I’mafrugalguy,sothatdidn’tappealtomeatall.IfoundthatkindofrecordingenvironmenttobeawasteandIfoundMichael’sscenetobewayoutofcontrol.WhenIshoweduptorecord,thestaffwasashospitableandroboticasabunchofbellboysatafive-starhotel.

“Sowhatwouldyouliketoplayon?”Iremembersomeguyaskingme.

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Wehaveawideselectionofguitarshere,”theguysaid.“Whichwouldyouliketouse?”

“Ibroughtmyown,”Isaid.“I’dliketoplayonthat.”

Thatwholethingwasadisjointedandcoldmusicalscenario.ThelastplaceIeverexpectedtoencounterthatvibeagainwasatmyband’swriting/rehearsing/recordingsessions.Icanputupwithamillionandonethings,buttheonethingIcan’tstomachisalackofintegrity.Atthefirstwhiffofbullshit,Igetwary.AndwhatIwalkedintohadmeworried.

TherewererowsandrowsofProToolsserversandgear.WhichwasaclearindicationthatAxlandIhadverydifferentideasofhowtodothisrecord.IwasopentousingProTools,totryingnewthings—buteveryonehadtobeonthesamepageandinthesameroomtoexplorenewideas.Thebandmanagedtodoalittlebitofjammingandcomeupwithsomethings.AcoupleoftheideasIhadcomeupwithAxlapparentlylikedandtheywererecordedontoProToolsandstoredforhimtoworkonlater.

We’dshowupatdifferenttimeseveryevening,butbyeightp.m.generallyeveryoneinthebandwouldbethere.Thenwe’dwaitforAxl,who,whenhedidcome,arrivedmuch,muchlater.Thatwasthenorm;itwasadark,miserableatmospherethatlackeddirectionofanykind.Ihungoutforabit;butafterafewdaysIchosetospendmyeveningsatthestripbararoundthecorner,withordersfortheengineerstocallmeifAxldecidedtoarrive.

ADECADEAFTERWE’DFIRSTGOTTENthebandtogether,everysinglethingthatIknewtobeGunsN’Roseshadchanged.We’dlostSteven,we’dlostIzzy,andwhilewe’dgainedMatt,we’dgainedandlostGilby.Duffwastheonlyelementoftheoriginalbacklinethatremainedthesame;hewasmyfriend,theonlyoneIcouldcounton.Buthewassobernow;inMay1994,hesufferedanear-fatalepisodewhenhispancreasalmostexploded.Yearsofheavydrinkinghadtakentheirtoll,andifDuffdidn’tgetsober,he’ddie.Wewerestilltight,andthingswerebasicallythesame,butwedidn’ttipbottlestogetheranymore.Hewasreallystrivingtokeepthingstogetherinaway,keepingMattintheloopbecause,afterall,Mattwasn’tsurehowtheprocessofsongwritingtorecordingworkedwithinGN’R.Duffwastheonlyanchoratthatpoint,whileIwasfrayingattheseams.

Drinkingtomewasstillafun,recreationalactivitytobeindulgedineveryday,thoughIhadstartedtodrinktomedicatemorethanjustforfun.Therewasn’tmuchofasocialsceneforGunsoutsideofthestudioanyway,sofromthemomentIreenteredtheband,Iwasprettymuchonmyown.Myconsumptionwasexcessive,butIstillfunctionedlikeanormalperson—anormalpersonwithapureinternalalcoholleveldilutedonlybytheirblood.Ihadworkedlongandhardtogetmyselfinshapethatway.I’dhadto,becausedrinkingwastheonlythingthatsatisfiedmeandsubduedalloftheissuesthatIwouldhavehadtootherwisedealwith,inthebandandinmylife,ifIeverletmyselfgetbacktonormalforawhile.

SlashandAxldiscussingsomethingbackstageontheIllusiontour.NotethehalfgallonofvodkastashedinSlash’sstomach.

Allthefocuswasontryingtogetthingsworkingagain.AmidtheleastcreativeatmosphereI’deverexperiencedinthehistoryoftheband,wesomehowfinallygotstuffgoing.MymemoriesofitarehazyatbestbecauseIdideverythingIcouldtoforget.Idoremembergoingdowntothestudioandrehearsingwithoutdirection.Ijusthadtoomuchanimosityblockingmycreativity.OneofthefewtimesIactuallyspokewithAxlabouthowitwasgoing,itwasprettyclearthatwewerecomingfromverydifferentplaces.IwastryingtogetthroughtohimonceagainabouthowworkingwithHugewasachoreandacreativedeadendinmyopinion.

“Youdon’thavetobefriendstomakearecord,”Axlsaid.

“Maybenot,”Isaid,“butyoudoneedtohavesomekindofmutualrespect,youknow.”

Wemightaswellhavebeentalkingaboutthetwoofus.Thenegativitywassoall-consumingthatIcouldn’tconcentrateandIcouldn’tfocusonwriting.Therewassomuchbitterstuffnaggingatmethatremainingcalmandtranquilenoughtoenjoyplayingwasnexttoimpossible.SoIpreoccupiedmyselfwithbeingdrunkallthetimeandtriedtopushthroughwhateveritwasthatweweredoing.

AxlaskedZakkWyldetocomedowntorehearsewithusaswellasPaulHuge.HeprobablythoughtI’dlikethatideabecauseZakkwasafriendofmine

andIrespectedhimasaguitarist,butthatreallydidn’tseemliketheanswertome.IbroughtuptheoptionofrehiringGilby,andthatideawasflatlyrejected.Therewereendlessmessagessentbackandforth,throughDougGoldstein,aboutAxl’swants,needs,andideasonwhatweshouldbedoing.TheonlywaythatIregularly“talked”toAxlwasthroughDougatthatpoint.AxlwouldgiveDougamessageandDougwouldhavetomassagethewordsinordertorelateittome.ThenI’dgivehimamessageandhe’dpassitalongtoAxlaftermassagingitappropriately,andsoitwent,backandforth.AttimesI’dcallAxlbutmostofthetimehewouldn’tpickuporeverreturnmycall.Andwhenhedidshowupatrehearsal,heneversang.Mymemoryofthattimeissovague,becausesolittlejamminghappened.Imustsay,though,thatthegearwassetupnice.Allthingsconsidered,thosesessionscosttoomuchforalotofuneventful,depressingsittingaround.

AspissedasIwastohavebeencalledhometodonothing,myresponsiblesidekickedinandIwasdeterminedtogetsomethingoutofitdespitethefactthatmyheartwasinmyboots.Iwasn’tsurewhattoexpectfromZakkWyldbutIhopedforthebest.He’sagreatguy;IrememberthatImethimattheSunsetMarquisthenighthegothiredtobeOzzy’sguitarplayeryearsbefore.WehungoutinhisroomcelebratinguntilIlefthimpassedoutinthebathtub.Zakk’spersonalityislikeStevenAdler’stimesten:hedoesn’tmincewordsandisn’tscaredofconfrontation.Icouldn’tseehimandAxllastingmorethanaweek.Butasidefromthat,whenwejammeddownattheComplex,itdidn’tmakeanysensetome.Itwasn’tthetwo-guitar-playerteamthatGN’Rreallywas.Weweretwolead-guitarplayersgoingatthesongsonoppositesidesofthestageanditwasoverbearing.Iwasusedtoworkingwithandplayingoffofamorelow-keyrhythmplayer.IfZakkandIweretodothis,itwouldbeawholenewtrip…morelikeJudasPriestorsomething.Evenhefeltthattheconceptwaswrong.

“Thatwascool,”Itoldhimafterjammingforabit.“Itwasdifferent.”

“Listen,man,”hesaid.“Thatwasallright.Wecouldgetthisthingtogether,fuckit,that’scool.ButyouandAxlhavetogetthefuckin’bandgoing,man.Getyourselvestogetherandfuckinggetitgoingagain.”

ItwasallaboutAxlwantingcontroltothepointthattherestofuswerestrangled.

BYTHENALL“BAND”DECISIONSWEREbeingmadebyAxlandDougGoldstein.

DuffandIandtheothermemberswereinformedofwhatthey’ddecidedbyphonecallsandfaxes—GunsN’Roseshadofficiallybecomeadictatorship.Therealityofwhatwashappeningwasoverwhelming;itwaslikequicksand.Icouldn’tgetanyleverageinanydirectiontopullmyselfoutofit.Whatweweresupposedtobedoingwassimple:hireanewguitarplayerandmakeanewalbum.ButthewholeprocesswasdictatedbyAxl,andalthoughIknowhewantedinputfromme,IwassuffocatedbythetensionandIcouldn’tthinkstraight.Ithinkattheendofthedayitwasapowerstrugglebetweenhimandme,withhimwantingtocontroleverythingandmewantingtokeepitmoreofagroupeffort.OftentimesthepublicperceptioncenteredonAxlandmeasthecoreofGunsN’Roses,andIthinkAxlagreed,butthesuccessGN’Rhadgarneredupuntilthatpointwastheresultoffiveguysworkingtogether,wherenobodywasmoreimportantthananyoneelseasfarasIwasconcerned.Butthatideawasbecomingancienthistoryanditdidn’tseemliketherewasanythingIcoulddoaboutit.

EventhoughI’dseenthiscomingforsolong,whentherealitystaredmeintheface,Istillrefusedtobelievethatitwastrue.Oneofthethingsthathadbroughtthefiveofustogetherinthefirstplacewasthefactthatwewouldnotbebossedaround;basedonthatalone,we’dalwayshadoneanother’sbacks.Axlhadalwaysbeenapartofthatteam—atleastinspiritwhenhewasn’tthereinperson.Inourheartofhearts,evenwhenhewasbeingweird,therestofusknewthathewaspartofthecollective.Now,allofasudden,hewasn’t.Asmuchaswemighthaveignoreditbeforethispoint,he’dmadeitprettyclearthatwewere“his”bandandthatheintendedtotweakandtortureusashesawfit,andkeepusathisbeckandcall.Itseemedlikehebelievedwe’dwelcomethatopportunity.

Forthetimebeing,weallhungaround,andinourampledowntimewealltalkedshit.Itwassonegative.Afterawhile,Icouldbarelyshowupbecausetheanimositybecamecrippling.We’dspendeachnightinthestudiomaybewritingmusicorjamming…mostnightswe’dsitaroundfrustrated,waitingtoseeifAxlwouldshow—whichhedid,usuallyaftermostofushadleftforthenight—allundertheguisethatwewerewritingmusicforthenextGunsrecord.Ontopofitall,anewcontractissuefurtherdisruptedanalreadyvolatilesituation.

ThistimeitwasdirectedatDuffandme—theonlytworemainingoriginalmembersofGunsN’Roses.Anditwasverystrategicallypresented:thecontractstatedthatAxlwouldretainrightstothebandnameandwasallowedtostarta

newbandthathecouldcallGunsN’Roses.OfcourseDuffandIcouldbemembers…butonlyonhisterms,whichfelttouslikewewerebeingdefinedashiredhands.Axlhadhiredanattorneytopushthisthrough,soDuffandIdidaswell,andthethreeofthemstartedhaggling,havingthoseattorneyfeststhatdonothingbutcosttheirclientsmoney.DougGoldsteinwasalsotherehelping“facilitate”thewholething.

Thatsituationchippedawayatthestonethatisme;mypatience,mydedication,mydetermination—allofitfinallybegantogiveway.It’sbeenthefocusofsomuchspeculation:WhatactuallydidGunsN’Rosesin?Wasitartisticdifferences?WasitSlash’sego?WasitAxl’sattitude?ItwasallaboutAxlwantingcontroltothepointthattherestofuswerestrangled.

Ididn’treallyknowwhatelsetodoafterAxlsentaletteronAugust31,1995,sayingthathewasleavingthebandandtakingthenamewithhimunderthetermsofthecontract.Afterthatwetriedtoputitbacktogether.HepushedthiscontractissueonuswithsomuchpressuretothepointthatDuffandIjustgavein.Wesignedsomedocumentthatwe’dagreedtohaveputinescrowforacertainamountoftimetoseeifwecouldworkthingsout.Butifwedidn’tagreetoputthetermsintoeffectbyacertainpoint,thecontractwouldbenullandvoid,soIsigneditandletitgo.Ijustwantedtomoveforwardifwehadanywherelefttogotogether.

Needlesstosay,mytrustinAxlwasgone.ThatentirecontractsituationwastheantithesisofGunsN’Rosesinmymind.Iwasforcedintoasecondaryrole,whileAxlwasnowofficiallyatthehelmifIofficiallylettheescrowedcontractbecomeeffective.OnetimehecalledmeforaprivatemeetingathisfavoriteItalianrestaurantinBrentwood.Ishowedupandhewasn’tthere,soIsatatthebarwaitingforhim.Afterhearrived,wemovedandsatinthebackinadarkboothasifwewereintheMafia.AsfarasIcanremember,themeetingwasbasicallyanattempttocoercemeintoacceptingthearrangementheandhislawyerswerepushing,butinalotlessheavy-handedmanner.AxltreatedthesituationasifheandIwerethetwomostimportantfactorsinthiswholething.Hetriedtoconvincemethatitwasallgood,thatitwassomethingheandIweredoingaspartners.

Atthatpoint,hewastryingtodrawmeintohisworld,toshowmehisversionofthingsinhisway,whichisaveryniceway,butIjustdidn’tgoforit.Isatthereandlistened,notgivingtoomuchfeedback.Therewastoomuchtensionandtoomanyunaddressedissues.Itbecameincreasinglyobvioustome

tensionandtoomanyunaddressedissues.ItbecameincreasinglyobvioustomethattherewasnothingIwasgoingtosaythatwasgoingtochangehismind.AndhealreadyknewhowIfelt.HeandIcontinuedthiswayuntilitallboiledoverlater.

Ithadbecomenofun.Ithadbecomedepressing.Itwasalmostamazingtomethatthisbandhadtakensuchaturn;we,theband,hadallowedAxlthefreedom,overallthoseyears,totransformwhatwehadintosomemorbidrealitythatexistedonlyinhishead.

TherewereanothercouplemeetingslikethatinDougGoldstein’soffice.Then,ofcourse,therewereendlessmeetingswiththeattorneysgoingoverandoverthisthing.Itwasexhausting.Icouldn’tevenunderstandwhatthefuckIwasdoingthere.Nomatterwhatwemighteventuallyputoutasfarasarecordwasconcerned,noneofthiswasworthit.

THESTONESWEREINTOWNDURINGthisperiod;theywerestayingattheSunsetMarquisandrecordingatDonWas’shouse,workingonBridgestoBabylon.Iwentoverandcheckedoutafewsessions,andwatchingthemwork,watchingthemdotheirthing,mademefeelevenworseaboutmysituation.Theyhadachemistrythatencompassedalloftheirverydistinctpersonalitiesbutneverlackedrespect.KeithwouldrollinandpickonRonnierelentlesslybutRonnieissuchanice,amiableguythatitwasallokay.IthadtobebecauseKeithisprettysinisterandsuchaprofoundnarcissistthathehastotakeitoutonsomeone.Hecan’ttakeitoutonMickorCharlie…thoughhetries.They’resoresilientthatitdoesn’twork,soRonniegetsitall.AsRonniesays,“Keithhasthesetyrannicalmoods.”Butasharshasitevergets,itisallwithintheparametersofmutualrespect.

Oneparticularevening,aftertheyweredonefortheday,IwentbacktoRonnie’shotelroomandhungoutforawhile.HeaskedmeifIknewKeith.IsaidIdidn’t,andhadnevermethimone-on-one,sohetookmeovertohisroom,introducedus,andleftmethere.Itwasdark,withsomeoldbluesplayingonthestereo.TheonelampthatwaslitdimlyilluminatedKeith’sfacewiththissortofcreepyglowashesatonthecouch.Isatinachairbythecoffeetablewhilehesizedmeup.Hetalkedforafewminutes,thensuddenlypulledoutabutterflyknifeandflippeditaroundafewtimestoshowmewho’sboss.Heslammeditdownonthetablebetweenus.

“Um…Okay,”Isaid.

LaterthatnightwewenttodinneratChasen’s.KeithandIstoodatthebar,talkingaboutdopeandjail,andIcouldtellthathewasjustputtingupwithmebythatpoint.I’dbeenatthestudiorehearsingallday,sowhentheconversationswungaroundtomyband,Iletitallout.

Keithtookitallin,andthenlookedmedeepintheeye.“Listen,”hesaid.“There’sonlyonethingyouneverdo—youneverleave.”

Iknewwherehewascomingfrom;ifyouneverleave,nomatterwhattheysay,youwerethere.Ifyouarealwaystheonetoshowupatrehearsalandstayuntiltheend,evenwhentimesaretoughandnoteveryoneisgettingalong,theonethingthatyourbandmateswillneverbeabletoholdoveryourheadisthefactthatyouwalkedout.It’strue:ifyoushowupearlytorehearsalorrecordingandyou’rethelastonethere,youaretheguywhocan’tbefuckedwith.AperfectexamplewasthegreatRollingStonessong“Happy,”fromtheirExileonMainSt.album.Aslegendhasit,whileKeithwaswaitingfortherestofthebandtoshowup,hewrotethewholesongbyhimself.Whentheyarrived,hepresentedittothemasiftosay“Whattookyousolong?”Idefinitelywantedtobethatguywhocouldovercomealltheseobstaclesandproducemusic.Whenyou’realwaysthere,you’retheonethatholdsallthecards.

Keithinspiredme;IfeltlikeIhadtotryharder.ThenextdayItriedtorefocusmyoutlookandIshowedupattheComplexreadytomakeitworkatallcosts.Andthat’swhenIgotslappedinthefaceonceagain:Axlnevershoweduptorehearse,andtheattorneys’negotiationofour“employmentcontracts”hadtakenareallyinsultingturn.GodblessKeithfortrying,buttherewasnothingIcoulddo—Ihadtogo.

Our“rehearsals”alwayswentreallylate;evenlaterbythetimeAxlshowedup.Wheneverhedid,itwasusuallyaroundoneortwo;we’dplayforanhourormoreandthenfinallygetboredandgohome,leavinghiminthestudio.Ididn’thearhimsingthewholetimewewereattheComplex;I’mnotsureI’dheardhimsingsincethelastshowin1993,andatthispointitwas1996.SoIdidn’tevenknowwhatwewereworkingon.Weweresupposedtojamandjamuntilhesaid,“Ilikethis,”or,“Ilikethat.”Nobodywashavingagoodtime,sonobodywasinspired.GenerallyI’dgethomeaboutthreea.m.Anditwasoneofthosenightsthatpromptedmetogetout.

Igotinbedandwenttosleep.Twohourslater,aboutfivea.m.,Iwokeupwithcoldsweatsandintheblackestofmoodsandfeltreallysuicidal.Iwantedtoendit;IwassomiserablethatIwanteditalltodisappear.I’dneverfeltthatwaybefore,I’dneverwantedtosnuffmyself—I’dgottenreallycloseafewtimesbutneverintentionally.Forahalfhour,Ilookedaroundmybedroom;Ihadnothingtodoitwith;Iwantedtokillmyselfquickly;Ididn’twanttogoon.Iftherehadbeenanydopelyingaround,Iwould’vedoneitallinonehitandthatwouldhavebeenthat.

ForthenexthourIstaredattheceilingandthoughtaboutmylifefromstarttofinish.Iwasweighingwhetherornotitwasworthliving,sortingouthowI’dgottenwhereIwasanddecidingwhatIcoulddoaboutitall.Bysixa.m.Iwasexhaustedandfellbackasleep.TwohourslaterIwokeupwithonecrystal-clearthoughtinmyhead:That’sit.Otherthanthat,mymindwassilent.

Upuntilthatmoment,onepartofmewantedtopushon;theotherpartsawnofuture.Intheearly-morninglight,Iwentoveralloftheanglesonceagainandeverysingleoneofthempointedtothesameconclusion.Thebandwasn’twhatithadoncebeenandIdidn’twanttobethereanymore.OnceIsaidthattomyself,therewasnothingelsetothinkabout.

Igotoutofbedandcalledourmanagementoffice,BFD,andtoldDougthatIwouldn’tbecomingback.

“That’sit,”ItoldDoug.“I’mdone.Iquit.”

Ihungupbeforehecouldsayanything.

INRETROSPECTIWASNAIVEABOUTTHEwholething:Ididn’tprotectmyselflegallybecauseIdidn’tthinkIhadto.Inmymind,whatwasthenamewithouttheplayers?Ididn’tthinkIhadgivenAxlanything,becausetome,whatcouldhedowiththenameandnothingelsetoshowforit?

Ididn’thavemyattorneysgetonthatsituationaswellasIshouldhave;IwassooveritandsoworndownthatIjustcouldn’tbebothered.Ididn’twanttodoapressrelease,Ididn’twanttoraiseabrouhahaorstirupalotoffanfare.Iwantedtogoquietly.Ididn’twantittobeoneofthosesituationswhereyouhavetwoguysbickeringateachotherthroughthepress.Ididn’tseeanyreason

whysomethingsosimpleshouldturnintoabiglegalbattleeither.IthoughtI’dtakemyshareandgo.

Intheshortrun,nooneintheGunscorporationactuallybelievedthatIwasdone.Axlcontactedthoseclosesttome,tellingthemthatIshouldchangemymind.Hecalledmydad,mysecurityguard,mywife,Renee,andtoldeachofthemthatIwasmakingthebiggestmistakeofmylife.HesaidthatIwaspissingawaysomuchmoneybecauseofmydecision.Butnoneofthatmatteredtome.Iwasdone.Thecamel’sbackhadbeenbrokenandtherewasnogoingback.

Totellyouthetruth,noneofthepeopleinAxl’scampbelievedIwasreallygoneforthenextcoupleyears.Iwaskindoftakenabackbytheirdeepsenseofdenial:IneverbehavedasifIintendedtoreturn,butthatdidn’tmattertothem.Theyjustdidn’tbelievethatIwouldrathernotbeinGunsN’RosesthandealwiththerealityofbeinginGunsN’Roses.

I’DDONEEVERYTHINGINMYPOWERfromthedaywegottogethertomakeGunsN’Rosesthebestbandintheworld.I’dputmyheartandsoulintoeverythingwedidandIregretnoneofmycontributionsintheleast.Wedidthingsotherbandsonlydreamof;injustafewyears,wesurpassedgoalsthattookbandsliketheStonesdecadestoachieve.Idon’tliketobrag,butifyouresearchitatall,you’llseethatwhatwedidinthetimeframewediditissomethingunsurpassedinthehistoryofrockandroll.

Afterworkingtomakethatbandallthatitcouldbeforthebetterpartofmylife,sayinggood-byetotheinstitutionIhelpedbuildwasasalienasbeinglaunchedintospace.ButonceI’ddoneit,aweightwasliftedfrommyshouldersandtheleadwasoutofmyshoes.Itwaslikedecompressingafteradeepwaterdive.ThedayImademydecision,Iwokeupearlyandcalledthepowersthatbetodeliverthenews,andwentbacktosleep.Idon’trememberanythingelseofthatdayasidefromthefactthatwhenIwokeupagainIwasrefreshed.IfeltasifI’djustsleptforaweek.LaterthatnightIcalledDuff,Matt,andAdamDayandletthemknow.Duffacceptedmydecisionwithoutanyquestion,andMattwasn’tsurprisedeither.Iwassatisfiedbutitwasbittersweet;Ihadneverreallygivenupbeforeinmylife.

Ienjoyedaperiodofpeaceforawhile.IstartedtogooutandjustjamwheneverIhadthechance.MyattorneysaskedmeifIwantedtosuefordamagesandjustgoafterasmuchstuffaspossible,andIsaidno,ingoodfaith.

damagesandjustgoafterasmuchstuffaspossible,andIsaidno,ingoodfaith.Ican’tgetintoit;asidefromsayingthattheyweretryingtoprotectmyrightsandIprobablyshouldhavelistened,thetruthis,IwasindenialaboutjusthowmercurialanduntrustworthytherelationshipbetweentheGunsinstitutionandmehadbecome.Ididn’tseeitassuch,butwhenyouleaveacompanyyouhavetoprotectyourinterests.AtthetimeIstillhadasillyamountoftrustinwhatGunsmeanttome,soIdidn’tdwellonit.Andtothisdaytherearestillissuesthatremaintoberesolvedthatcausemegrief.

Allthingsconsidered,Istandbymydecision,andIstandbythewayIdidit.Evenmydadhadtoldmeearlieron,whenIwasinastateofduress,“Don’tgodownwiththeship.”IconsiderleavingGN’RoneofthesmartestdecisionsI’veevermade.There’snodoubtthatifI’dstayedwiththebandunderthosecircumstancesI’dsurelybedeadbynowbecauseoftoomuchunnecessarydrama.Idefinitelywouldhavefoundjunkagainoritwouldhavefoundme.IfIknewthenwhatIknownow,hadIbeenmoreexperiencedandmoreself-protectiveandmoresuspiciousoftheplayersinvolved—andI’mnoteventalkingaboutAxlsomuchasthepeoplehehiredtoguidehimthroughthis—itmighthavebeenhandleddifferently.Hehiredpeoplewhohadnothingbutmakingmoneyoffofhiminmind.Ifithadbeenotherwise,orifheandIhadbeenabletodiscussitface-to-face,theremighthavebeenagreaterdegreeofpreservationinregardtoourmutualinterestsasaband.ButIdon’tbelievein“ifs.”

Itjustwasn’tmeanttobe.TheroadthatAxlchosetotravelforcedmeaway.AndonceIleft,Duffwasnext—hesplitofhisownaccordlessthanayearlater.Nottoolongafterthat,Mattgotfired.Apparently,hestoodupformewhenIwasslanderedatrehearsalandthatwastheendofhim.

By1998,Axlwastheonlyoneoftheoriginalfivestillinthe“band”he’dlegallyarrangedtobeabletocallGunsN’Roses.Bythen,IzzyhadreleasedahandfulofsoloalbumsandtouredtheworldandGilbyhaddonethesame.Duffhadformedanewbandandputouttworecords,andIhad,too:mysecondincarnationofSnakepitwasaliveandwell.Matt,forhispart,hadrejoinedtheCult,recordedarecord,andwasontour.Stevenwascrippledbydrugaddiction,butAxldidn’thavethatexcuse.Ifounditmorbidlyironicthat,outofallofus,theoneguywho’dbasicallybrowbeatandpressuredusintosubmissionintoretainingthenamehaddonenothingmuchwithitwhatsoeveratthatpoint.

IN1996IMMEDIATELYFOLLOWINGMYlastdayswinGN’R,IdideverythingIcouldtostayinspiredbymusic.Itwasthebestwayformetocuremydisillusionmentwithwhathadbecomeofmyband.ItouredtheworldwithplayersasskilledanddiverseascouldbeandIlearnedasmuchasIcouldfromallofthem.IwenttoJapanfortwoweekswithNileRodgersandtheoriginallineupofChic—andthatwasonehellofamusicaleducation.

IhavealltherespectintheworldforNile;wehadworkedtogetheronthesoundtrackforBeverlyHillsCopIII,sowhenhecalledmetogooutontourwithChic,therewasnowayIwasturninghimdown.Hehadgatheredalloftheoriginalplayers:OmarAkeem,BernieWorrell,BernardEdwards,andatleastoneoftheoriginalbackgroundsingers.TheyhadStevieWinwood,SimonLeBon,SisterSledge,andmeoutwiththemfortheduration,makingcameoappearancesduringtheirset.

AtrehearsaldownatS.I.R.inNYC,duringoneofthejamsIdidadivebombkindofthingwithmyLesPaul(thisiswherethataforementionedcrackhappened),whichiswhenyoupushthebackofaguitar’sheadstockforwardwhilepushingthelowerpartoftheneck,wheretheneckandthebodymeet,inwardinsteadofusingatremolobar.Isnappedtheneckofmyguitar,whichflewupandhitmesquareintheface.ItfeltlikeI’dbeensmashedwithabaseballbat:whenitpoppeditsoundedlikeanM-80anditputahugeholeinmytoplip.SomeonewasvideotapingthesessionthatdayandI’dlovetoseeaninstantreplayofthat.Thewounditleftbehindwasthesizeofanickel.

Thesoundalonecausedeveryonetostopplayingandturnmyway.AndthereIwaswithonehalfofmyguitarinonehand,theotherhalfintheother,withbloodpouringdownmychin,neck,andchest.Iwasdazed;theywereallpointingatmeandIhadnoideawhattheyweretalkingabout.BeingthatIwasinNYC,itwaseitherwaitforthreehourstobeseenbyanERdoctor—ornot.IoptedtogobacktotheParamountHotel,whereIsatattheWhiskeyBarwithabagoficeonmyfaceandabottleofJackinfrontofmeuntilIgotontheplanewitheveryoneelsethenextday.

Meanwhile,Adamtookmyguitartoarepairmantoseeifitcouldbefixed,andwhenIsawhimonthewaytothegatehetoldmethathisbuddyhadmanagedtoglueitbacktogether.

“Ididmybest,”hesaid.Helookedprettytired.“It’skindofaFrankensteinbutitlookslikeit’sgoingtowork.”

butitlookslikeit’sgoingtowork.”

I’dliketotakeamomenttoletAdamDay,mytechforthepastnineteenyears,knowrightnowjusthowmuchIlovehim.TherehadbeenmanytimesbeforethatI’dfeltasmuch,andmanytimessince,butI’dliketogivehimthecredithedeservesfordoingwhathedidinthisinstance.Thatthinghadbrokentothepointofnoreturn,atleastIthoughtso,buthestayedupallnightgettingitfixed,andtohiscredit,fromthatpointforward,thatguitarhassoundedbetterthaniteverdidbefore.

THATJAPANESETOURWASJUSTGREAT;everyshowwasanevent.Thebandwasanamazinggroupofplayers,soitwasareallearningexperienceandalotoffun.Ihadaflingwithoneofthebackupsingerswhowasreallyhot.TheverylastnightofthetourIwassittingwithherandafewothergirlsinthebalconyofthisclubcelebrating.BernardEdwardswastherewithushangingout,buthewastiredandleftusabitearly;securityescortedhimtohisroom.

Thenextmorninghewasfounddeadonhiscouchasaresultofseverepneumonia.WhenIgotthecallitwasoneofthemostsurrealmomentsofmylife.“Iwasjustwithhimafewhoursago!”Isaid.IreallylookeduptoBernardasamusicianandaperson.Hewasthecoolest,smoothest,mostgentleguy.He’dbeenagoodfriend,takingmeunderhiswingduringthattour,whichwaswildconsideringthatIwasastrangerinastrangeland,jammingwithalloftheseseasonedsessionpros,andBernarddidn’tevenknowthatmuchaboutmeormymusic.Onthattourhedidn’tseemlikehehadanyhealthissuesoranythingwrongwithhimatall;hejustdiedpeacefullyinhissleep.ItwasahugeshockforNilebecauseBernardwashiswritingpartnerandclosestfriend,andthey’djustrepairedtheirfriendshipafteralongsplit.Theyhadjustgottenthebandbacktogether;theyhadalloftheseplanstorecordandembarkonanewphase.Nilewasinshock.Everyonewas:weleftoneanotherinJapanandsawoneanotheragainatBernard’sfuneralinConnecticut.

ICONTINUEDTOFINDINSPIRATIONBYpushingmyselftodoprojectsoutsideofmyexpectedrange,oneofthembeingthemusicforthesoundtracktotheQuentinTarantino–producedfilmCurdled.WhenMiramaxaskedmeaskedmetodoit,IimmediatelyagreedbecauseI’msuchabigfanofhis.Themovieisgreat;it’saboutacleanupcrewthatcomesinafterforensicshasfinishedgathering

evidencetocleanupcrimescenes.Theyfindthemselvescleaningupafteraserialkillerwhotargetsrichwomen,andoneofthem—thisperfectlynicegirl—becomesobsessedwiththekillerandbeginskeepingascrapbookofhismurders.Itgetsalotmoreintensefromthere.

ImetQuentinandhetoldmeallaboutthemovieandIstartedwritingmusicthatwasinspiredbythefilm’smaincharacter,Gabriella,andtheactresswhoplayedher,AngelaJones.AngelaappearstobeLatin,butshe’sawhitegirlfromPittsburghandI’dhadacrushonhersincethemomentIsawherinPulpFiction:sheplayedthecabdriverwhodroveBruceWillistothehotelafterthefight.Iputhoursintoworkingoutthemusic,whichisinstrumental,allacoustic,eclectic,andflamencoinfluenced.IrecordedtheinstrumentalstuffwithJedLeiber,whoisagreatengineerIknowfromL.A.

IflewouttoNewYork,whereNileRodgersproducedtheelectricversionofafewtracks.ThenheandIflewouttoSpaintohavethismajorSpanishstar,MarthaSanchez,dovocals.SheisbasicallytheSpanishMadonna,anditwascleartomethatNilehadspentallofthismoneytogetherinvolvedjustsothathecouldbewithher.Itwasfinebyme;IhadagreattimehangingoutinMadrid.Marthatookustoallofthesespeakeasy-typebarsinthesegrottoesandancientwinecellarsdeepbelowthecity.Ineverysingleoneofthem,therewouldbethebestflamencoguitarplayers—Ilearnedalotfromjammingwiththem.

IshowedupforthewrappartyinMiamiandquicklybecamefriendswithQuentin,Angela,andafewotherpeople.SheandIstartedseeingeachotherbackinL.A.;thatwentonformonths.Basicallyitwascomposedofdoingitinhercar.We’dmeetatarestaurantandwe’ddoitinhercar.We’dtalkonthephoneandmeetupandwe’ddoitinhercar.

ICONTINUEDJAMMINGWHENEVERANopportunitypresenteditself,justtryingtosortoutwhattodonext.Ihadmyhandsfullanyway,becausewhileIwasoutsowingmywildoats,mymarriagewasfallingapart.Itwashardlysudden:evenwhenIwasinL.A.Iwasbarelylivingathome.AndnowthatIwasdoneobsessingoverGunsN’Roses,Iwasobsessingoverwhattodonext.

WhenItraveledIneverbroughtReneealong,andIwasneverfaithfulontheroad.WedidgotoIrelandtogethertovisitRonnieWoodandhisfamilyforawhile.TherewerepartsofmylifestylewithReneethatIappreciated.Shewasan

while.TherewerepartsofmylifestylewithReneethatIappreciated.ShewasanaspiringactressandIrespectedthat,yetatthesametimeshecouldn’tseemtogetabreakandhercareerreallywasn’tgoingwhereshewanteditto.IthinkshewasfrustratedbecauseIhadalreadyestablishedmyself.I’dcementedafootinthedoor.NoneofthatreallymatteredtoReneeanyway,orsoitseemed,becauseIwasn’tfromthekindofbandthatplayedthekindofmusicshewasinto.Cometothinkofit,Idon’teventhinksheknewthemagnitudeofwhatweweredoing.Sheprobablythoughtitwasprettychildish.

Asourrelationshipbegantoerode,ReneestartedhangingaroundthelowestechelonofHollywoodactorscumbags,partyingabittoomuch.AtthesametimeIwasdoingmything,completelyoblivioustomycommitmentsasahusband.

AfterI’dbeenpaidbytheinsurancecompanyforthehousethathadbeentotaledintheearthquake,weshoppedforanewoneandfounditinBeverlyHillsonRoxburyDrive.ItwasabigexpensiveSpanish-stylestructurebuiltinthe1920sandnowinforeclosure.Italsohadabasement,whichisrareinL.A.Thehousedefinitelyhadanaura;itwasrun-down,andinthebasementtherewasabigdiscoballhangingfromtheceiling.Ifellinlovewithit.Onthethirdfloornexttothemasterbedroom,therewasthisextraroomthatwasstarkwhitethatseemedlikeithadbeenadarkroom:therewerelong,thindrawerstostorephotosandoneachwasanembossedblack-and-whitelabelwithgirls’nameslike“Candy,”“Monica,”and“Michelle.”

Weboughtitimmediately.Itexcitedmethatithadprobablyseenafewillicitphotoshoots,andIcanonlyimaginewhatkindofpartieshadgonedowninthatbasement.Allthatmatteredtomewasthatithadabasement—theperfectplaceforarecordingstudio.IgottoworkonthatimmediatelyanditwasthefirsttimethatItooka“sparenoexpense”approachtosomethingIwanted—itwasthefirsttimeI’dreallyplayedwithmymoney.IletReneedowhatevershewantedtothehouse,andwepissedmoneyawayonitineveryway.TheRoxburyhouseshouldhavebeengreat—ithadarecordingstudio,lotsofrooms,JägerandGuinnessontap,pinballmachinesandarcadegames,apooltable,etc.ItwasinaniceareaofBeverlyHills,butnoneofthatmeantanythingtome,soIwasn’treallyhappy.TheSnakepitIIwascomingtogether,yetstillIwasdrinkingdeadlyamountsofalcoholanddabblingwithheroin,Ectasy,andcocaine.Ifeltsortofemptyandlost.Reneelovedthehouse,butIrarelysleptathome;instead,Ispentanunhealthyamountoftimesleepingaround.

IspentmostofmytimehangingoutattheSunsetMarquis,runningawayfromeverything.IwascompletelyweightlessafterGunsN’Roses;Ienteredaphaseofjustspendingmytimeandmoneyatthehotelpool,chasinggirls,drinkingatthebarallday,anddistancingmyselfhoweverIcouldfromanythinginmylifethatIconsideredanuisance.IfJohnLennonhadhislostweekend,Ihadmylostyear.

Mysecurityguard,Ronnie,tookcareofthingsatthehouse.MeanwhileIcontinuedmyinfidelitytourofL.A.andsoonenoughIgotsloppy.Iattendedafewhigh-profileeventswhereIshouldn’thavebeenmisbehaving,sopeoplewerefindingout—andsowasRenee.Overall,itwasafunperiodwithoutanysenseofdirection,thoughmydesiretoplayguitarremainedthesame;Ijustneededtochannelmyenergyintothat.

SlashandPerladuringtheircourtship,onvacationinPalmSprings.

IWASHANGINGOUTINTHEBARATTHESunsetMarquisonenightwhenPerlawalkedinwithafewofhergirlfriends,allofthemlookingliketrouble.Shewasasightforsoreeyes,Imustsay.Shelookedamazing.WetalkedandlaughedforawhileandIrealizedatthatmomentthatIwasinit.ShegavemeheraddressandthefollowingnightIshowedupwhereshewaslivingoverbytheHollywoodBowl.Shehadafreshvodkawaitingforme,andthatwasit:Idon’tthinkIleftherplaceforaweek,andafterIgotuponemorningandfedhercats,wewereinseparablefromthatpointon.Perlahadawholesetoffriendswhoweren’tsomuchintherock-and-rollscenebutwereeverybitasedgyandnewtome.Itwaslikeavacationbeingwithher—newfaces,newplaces.Itwaslike

I’dfinallygottenfarenoughawayfrommylifetorelax.IhadfinallymetagirlwhocouldpartyasmuchasIcould,ifnotharder.ButshewassharpandverymuchincontrolandIhadalotrespectforher.Shewasbeautiful,intelligent,andclassy,butalsoverystreetwise—andCubantoboot.Needlesstosay,Iwasinlove.

PerlaandIwereinbedonsomethinglikeourtenthdaytogetherwhenshefixedmewithaseriouslook.“You’remarried,youknow,”shesaid.

“Oh,yeah!”Isaid,kindoflaughingitoff.“You’reright.Iforgotaboutthat.”

Thetruthwas,Ihadforgotten.Ididn’tfeelmarriedatall,andsinceI’dhookedupwithPerla,marriageseemedlikesomethingI’ddoneinanotherlife.ItwasalmostlikeleavingGunsN’Roses:I’dessentiallycheckedoutlongbeforeIofficiallyleft.

ThenexttimeIsawReneesheconfrontedmeaboutwhatI’dbeendoingandwasshockedtohearthatIhadnodesiretoworkanythingout—Ijustwantedadivorce.ThenexttimeIcamehomeonenight,IfoundaguyinbedwithherandItoldthemnottogetup;I’dletmyselfout.Despiteherobjections,Ihadinsistedthatshesignaprenup—maybemyoverdosehadsomethingtodowithforcingtheissue.Allofitwastakencareofprettyquickly,andonceitwas,weneversaweachotheragain.Inretrospect,it’skindofinterestingthatIsuddenlyhaddisconnectedwiththetwomostlong-term,closestrelationshipsIhadhaduptothatpoint,justamatterofmonthsapart.

ONCEIWASDIVORCED,PERLAANDIsetoffonacrazy,veryexciting,andtumultuousrelationship.TumultuousbecauseunlikeanyoftheothergirlsI’dbeenaround,shewasverypassionateabouttheobligationsofarelationshipandtookitveryseriously—shewasnotfuckingaround.Sotherewasabitofaclashbetweenmyidealsandhers,whichmadeourrelationhipmuchspicier.Weforgedon.Besides,thisallmadeforaveryintensesexlife,soIreallywasn’tgoinganywhere.

WhenPerlaandIstartedseriouslyseeingeachother,sheintroducedmetohermom,whoisacolorfulindividualfromCuba.ShecametotheStatestheold-fashionedway,onaboatafterCastrocametopower.Ilikedher

immediately,asweetbuttoughladywho,likeherdaughter,isaverystreetwiseandobservantsoul.Shelikedmefromthebeginning,mostlybecauseherdaughterlikedme—sheisoneofthosepeoplewhosetrustyouhavetoearn.ImetPerla’sfatheracoupleyearslaterinMiami.Hewasinhisearlyseventies,atall,gauntfellowwhodidn’tspeakmuchEnglish.Wehititoffrightaway.HewassortoflikeatoughCubancowboywithacheckeredpast.PerlaandItookhimtoDisneyWorldthedayImethim.Themorningbeforewewenttothepark,atabout8a.m.,hepoppedusacouplecoldHeinekensfromthefridge.HeandIsatincomfortablesilencewatchingTVtogether,sinceneitheroneofusspoketheother’slanguage,untilwehadtoleaveforthepark.Wesharedacamaraderieandasilentunderstandingofeachotherfromthatmomenton.Unfortunately,hediedayearorsolaterofheartdisease.IwishIhadbeenabletohavespentmoretimewithhim.

ShealsointroducedmetoalotofpeoplewithwhomI’dbecomeveryclosefriendswith,CharlieSheenandRobertEvansamongthem,plusawholeslewofotherpeoplewhomaynotbeashigh-profilebutarejustascool.Wespentmostnightsgoingout,socializing,andIwasjamminginclubsatleastthreeorfournightsaweek.Iwasfinallystartingtofeelarenewedsenseofmusicalinspiration.

Isetaboutputtingtogetheranewband;IwantedtodosomethinglikeSnakepit,butdifferent.TeddyZigZagstartedgettingmeoutonTuesdaynightstojamdownattheBakedPotatoinHollywood.Isatinwithalotofbluesplayersanddidalotofclassicsongs,someofwhichI’dneverplayedbeforeandIlovedeverybitofit.ThenIgotthiscallfromapromotertodothisshow,allexpensespaid,inBudapest,headliningthejazzfestivalthere.Iagreedimmediately;itwasthekickintheassthatIneededtogooutandformaband.IgotJohnnyGriparic,AlvinoBennett,andBobbySchneckonrhythmguitar.WeputtogetheracoversetthatincludedeverythingfromB.B.KingtoSteppenwolftoOtisReddingtoafewotherR&Bandbluesstandards.ThenwewentofftoBudapesttoheadlineanditwasgreat.Afterthat,thecallsrolledinforustodomoregigs,andbeforeweknewit,webecameatouringband,doingwhatevergigwewereofferedasmuchforthemoneyasforthebeer.Webecamethemostextremegigs-for-beertouringbandI’deverseenandwehadagreattimedoingit.We’dtravelwithahugeentourageandgenerallytakeoverwhereveritwasthatweshowedup.Iwashavingareallygoodtimeplayinginclubswithagreatbunchofguyswhowerejustinitforthemusic.

Whenourtourwasdone,IapproachedJohnnyGriparicaboutforminganew

Whenourtourwasdone,IapproachedJohnnyGriparicaboutforminganewversionofSnakepit.Weputthewordoutonthestreetthatwewerelookingforanewsinger.AtonepointIhadsomeguygetintouchwithmewhosaidthathewasthesingerforJellyfish.SinceI’dworkedwithEricDoveronthelastrecord,Idecidedtomeethim.Whatastrangetripthatturnedouttobe.

ThisguymetmeoveratPerla’shouse,andthemomentIlaideyesonhimIhadmydoubts.Hedidn’tlookthepart;hehadnorock-and-rollfashionsenseatall—helookedmorelikeaconstructionworker.IinvitedhiminandwesatdowninthelivingroomandIpulledoutaguitar.Perlawasinthebedroomupstairswhilethisguystartedtellingmeaboutsomesonghewroteaboutthisgirl.IaskedhimtosingitwhileIplayedthemusic,andfoundthattheguycouldn’tsingparticularlywell,soIwassuspiciousofhisbeinginabandthatdidperfectfive-partharmonies.Andthelyricswereprettynaffaswell.SoItriedtobepoliteandsawhimtothedoor.

Aftertheguyleft,Perlatoldmethateverythingheclaimedtobeandsaidwasbullshit—andsheknewthegirlhewassingingabout.Iwasskeptical;Ithoughtshewasjumpingtoconclusionsorbeingparanoid.Iwasn’tallthatinterestedinworkingwithhimbutIhadhimoveronceagainjusttoseeifPerlawasright.Sheconfrontedtheguyandeverysinglethingshesaidturnedouttobetrue.ItwasatthatmomentthatIrealizedthatPerlawasalotmoreastutethanIgavehercreditfor.And,asmuchasI’dhatetoadmitit,thiswasoneofmanytimesthatshesavedmefrompotentialdisaster.Inanycase,theguywasafraudandhadliedtome,soIdidtheappropriatething:meandRonniewenttotheguy’shouseboatandscaredtheshitoutofhim.Ronniethreatenedtoputaholeintheboatwiththeguy’shead,andtoldhimtonevercallorcontactmeagain.

Before,IalludedtohowRonniebecametheSingleWhiteFemaleinmylife;well,itwasrightaboutnowwhenthathappened.Overtime,Ronniebecamemyshadow,andheseemedalmostpossessiveofme.Hedidagreatjobhelpingmoveshitintomynewhouse,andhewasalwaysloyal,butwhenPerlaandIstartedhangingouttogether,itwasasifhewerelisteninginonourconversations.ThelaststrawcamewhenIdiscoveredthathe’dspunoutinmycarandtotaleditwithouttellingme.Irealizedthatinaweirdwayhewasbothlivingvicariouslythroughmeandwantedtobemeinaway.Itallcametoahead,andthankfully,heleftquietly.I’vesincediscoveredthatallthestuffIevergavehim—thegoldrecords,awards,allthatshit—hehassoldoneBay.Nice.

Anyway,Icontinuedmyquestforasinger.WhenJohnnyplayedmeatape

ofRodJackson,Iknewwe’dfoundhim.I’dmadedemosofthreeorfoursongsforthesedifferentguystoauditionwith,andRoddidamazingvocalsonademotrackcalled“AllThingsConsidered.”Hisvoicewasincredible.Itwasrockandroll,butitwasmorelikeacidR&Bdeliveredathighvelocity.SoIsaid,“Let’smeetthisguy.”Rodwasaperfectmisfit:hewastall,halfblackandhalfwhite,alwaysworeshades,andhehaddreads.BeingfromVirginia,healsohadarealsouthernattitudeandaccent.Andwhenhesings,hecanbeltoutsoullikeOtisReddingorhitahigherrangelikeSlyStone,buthealsohasasofterbluesvoicelikeTeddyPendergrassorMarvinGaye.ItwasadifferentkindofvoicethananyI’deverworkedwithbefore,butIhadnothingtolose,soIwentwithmyheartonthat.

Wewroteabunchofbitchin’stuffoveratMates—JohnnyG.,MattLaug,ReganRoxies—everyonetogether,thenImovedthebandintomyhouseinBeverlyHillsandwerehearsedandrecordedinmybrand-newstudio.Weworkedhardandweplayedhardandwe’dwrittenanalbum’sworthofmaterialinnotime.

DURINGTHISPERIODIKEPTACLOSErelationshipwithTomMaher,whowastheguywho’dbeenmostonmysideoveratBFDmanagement.WhenIleftGuns,heledmetobelievethathe’dstoppedworkingoverthereandwouldmanageme,butI’mnotsosurethatwasreallythecase.Itispossiblethathewasamole,lettingDougknowmyeverymove.Butatthispointhewasactingasmymanager.

Atthetime,in1998,themusicindustryunderwentamajorchange.BlackFridayhappened,thedaythathundredsofmusicexecutiveswerefired;theyliterallywalkeddownSunsetwiththeirboxesofstuff.Mostofthelabelswereconsolidated,oneofthembeingGeffen,whichwasfoldedintoInterscope.ItwasthebeginningoftheendofthemusicbusinessasI’dknownit.

OnceGeffenwasrestructured,IhadtomaketheacquaintanceofahandfulofpeopleI’dneverworkedwith.Iwasworkingonabandthathadnothingtodowiththegrungesoundorwhateveryouwanttocallwhatitwasthathappenedinthemid-nineties:itwasaverycoolbutshort-livedmoment.Andithadbeenreplacedbyrap-rocklimpcrapandboybands…andInterscopewasmoreorlessallgangstarap.Ihadnointerestinanyofthat,soIwascompletelyunawareabouttheshiftswithinthebusiness.

Anewbreedofexecutiveshadbecomethenormaswell;theyweremuchmorebland,muchmorePCcorporate-guytypesthananyofthecharactersI’dworkedwith.Mytypicalloadedcharmwasn’tgoingtogetmefar.TheonlypersonthatwasafamiliarfaceatthelabelanymorewasLoriEarle,who’dworkedpublicitywithmesinceGunswassigned.

TheguyassignedtodealwithmewasJordanSchurandIremembercominghomefrommymeetingwithhimthinkingthatIdidnottrusthimonebit.HepromisedmetheworldandI’donlyknownhimfortwentyminutes.Hiswasakindofwhitewashingbullshit:“We’regoingtosellmillionsofrecords,getnewcars,”allthatcrap.Iknewrightawaythattheguywasnotforreal.ButhewasInterscopeheadJimmyIovine’sboy,soIhadtodealwithit.IplayedhimfivedemosfrommynextSnakepitrecordandhetoldmehelovedthemandcouldn’twaittoputitout.IthenmetwithJimmyIovine,andhesuggestedthatIhaveJackDouglasproducemyalbum,whichIthoughtwasagreatideabecauseJackhadproducedAerosmith’sRocksandworkedwithJohnLennonandothergreatartistsintheseventies.Jimmyalsocommentedthathehadhisdoubtsaboutmysingerbecausehisvoicewastoosoulful,butIstoodupforRodandItoldhim,“Rod’sgotanamazingvoice.It’sjustnotwhatyou’dexpect.”

AtthispointIzzyhadbeendroppedbythelabel,ashadDuff;soIhadmydoubts,butJordanappearedtobegenuinelyexcited.Jordanscheduledanothermeeting,thenbailedonit,andthensuddenlydidanabout-face,claimingthatSnakepitwasn’tthekindofmusicthathislabelproduced.Iwasn’tshocked;Ifelt,“Now,that’smorelikeit”—IcouldtellfromthefirsttimeImethimthathewascompletelytwo-faced.Withthat,Idecidedtoleavethelabel,andhavingalreadydumpedalotofmoneyintorecordingthealbummyself,Iofferedtobuyitback.Inmymind,Ihadthehouse,Ihadthestudio,I’djustrecorditallthereandsellitelsewhere.Iwasverystubbornaboutthewholething.

Atthesametime,TomMaherhadn’tdoneanythingtohelpmeinthesituation,soIdecidedtolookforanewmanagerandIwasintroducedtoSamFrankelbyJackDouglas,whointurnintroducedmetoJerryHeller.TheideawasthatHellerwouldmanagemewhileFrankelwouldbemyday-to-dayguy.Iwasmeetingafewpeople,butwhenIgetmymindlockedintoaccomplishingsomething,I’lldowhateverittakeswithwhoevercandoittogetthingsdone—rightaway.Jerrywasthatguy,butaverysuspiciouscharacter,andI’mstillunsureofthatwholearrangement,ConsideringthatIwasafull-blownalcoholic,andnotexercisingclearjudgementanyway,Ididn’tcare—Ijustwantedtoget

thingsmovingforward.IhadahandshakedealwithJerryandSam,andJackDouglascommencedproducingmyrecord.

IfeltlikeIwasbackintheearlydaysofGuns,tryingtogetabandoffthegroundwhileworkingwithsubparplayers:Jackwasgreatbuthehadn’tdoneanythingrecently,andwhileJerryHellerhadmadehishomeinthehip-hopworld,hehadn’tdoneanythingofmeritintherockworld;SamwasaniceJewishattorneyfromtheEastCoastwhovisitedhismomregularlyandseemedtoknownothingaboutthemusicbusinesswhatsoever.Itwasthecarnivalalloveragain,amidamusicindustrythatwascompletelyalientome.

Asfarasthebandwent,itwasnobetter:thesinger,RodJackson,turnedouttobeunmotivatedandajunkie,JohnnyGriparicwasandisagreatbassplayerbutdidn’thavethetouringexperiencehereallyneededforthelonghaul,andRyanRoxie,whomImetfromAliceCooper’sbandandhiredasasecondguitarist,wasonlyinterestedingettingasmuchofthepublishingaspossible.Thedrummer,MattLaug,wasthemostexperiencedandeven-keeledofthebunch,and,ofcourse,therewasme,playingtheroleofboss,whichwasn’taroleIwascomfortablewith.Isplitallofthepublishingandadvanceequallywitheveryone,soitseemedmorelikeateameffortthanitreallywas,sointheenditwasjustamess.AllIwantedtodowasgettherecorddoneandgetbackontheroad.ItookadealwithKochRecordsbecausetheymadethemostsolidoffer,whichwasahugemistakeduetothefactthattheydroppedtheballsoonaftertherecordwasreleased,whichdidnothingtohelpthesituationatall.

JerryHellerprovedtobeatruecannibalmanager;hetriedtotakemeforeverythinggiventhechance.I’vesinceheardstoriestothateffectfromothersinthebusinessaswell.TheonlythingthatJerrydiddowasgetustheopeningslotontheAC/DCtourforStiffUpperLip.Andthatishowheboughtmyconfidenceasamanager.

Meanwhile,Jerrytriedtogetmetosignacontractthatgrantedhim20percentofallthemoneyI’dmakewithSnakepitplus20percentofmyfutureearningsfromGuns…foreternity.Perladidn’ttrusthimandsuggestedIshouldn’tsignit,andwhenIshowedthecontracttomynewattorney,DavidCodikow,hetoldmeitwassuicidal.HegotintoitwithJerryandstraightupcalledhimanasshole,soJerryfiredhim,whichwassurrealbecausehehadnoauthoritytodoso—mymanagercan’tfiremyattorney—butnotwantingtogivehimthepleasureregardless,Davidquitanyway.Inhindsight,it’sallpretty

laughable,butatthetimeitwastranmatic—itwasallIcoulddotokeepittogether.

Iwaswithoutanattorneyatthatpoint,whenonenightIwasathomewithPerlaandtherewasaknockatthedoor.Itwasthepolice,whohadawarrantforherarrestforviolatingprobation.Shewascuffedandstuffed.PerlahadrecentlygottenaDUIandwasn’tsupposedtobedriving,butshehadbeen.Whileshedidfifty-sixdaysinthecountyjail,JerrygotmetosignthatcontractwhenIwasn’tintherightframeofmind.Iwasdrinkinginsaneamountsofvodkafrommorningtonight,andIcan’timaginethatIwasclearheadedenoughtomakerationalbusinessdecisions.

ItwaswaybackontheMötleyCrüetourthatIfirstnoticedtheshakesasaresultofhavingtheDT’sinthemorning.IstarteddrinkingearlyinthedaynotsomuchcureahangoverastocontroltheDT’s.Itwasasubtlechangethatwouldcontinueandgetworselater.WhenPerlawasinjail,Iwouldgotosleepwithacocktailnexttomyheadonthenightstandandwouldfinishitinthemorningjusttobeabletogetoutofbedtogettothekitchentomakeafreshonetostartmyday.Oftenthepolicewouldn’tletmeintothecountyjailtovisitherbecauseIhadbeendrinking.Iwasarealmess:asidefromclosetoagallonofvodkaadayathome,I’ddrinkshotsofwhiskeywithbeerchasersallnightwhenIwouldgoouttoclubs.Thefuturedidn’tlookbrightformehealth-wisebutnobodycouldhavetoldmethatbackthen.

AFTERTHEAC/DCTOUR,WEDIDAHEAD-liningtouroftheaters.Itwasactuallycostingmemoney,personally,butIdidn’tcare.AftertwomonthsKochditchedus:theypulledourtoursupportanddidn’tpromotethethingatall.We’dshowuptosigningsandtherecordwouldn’tbeinthestores.I’dhavetomakeacalltogetaboxofthemsentoutthatday—itwaswaytooSpinalTap.

Asthetourworeon,Irememberprogressivelynotfeelingwell.InPittsburgh,IrememberthinkingthatIshouldgotothehospitalbeforesoundcheck.MynextmemoryiswakinguptwoweekslaterinahospitalbedwithPerlasittingthere,lookingveryworried.Ihadsufferedcardiacmyopathy.Yearsofoverdrinkinghadswollenmyhearttothepointofrupture,tothepointwhereitwasbarelystrongenoughtocirculatemybloodproperly.Icouldn’tgetitthroughmyheadthatIwasoutofcommission,butIwas.Thedoctorsgavemesixdaystosixweekstolivebutnotmuchmore.OnceIwaswellenoughtoflybacktoL.A.,Iwasonbedrestandforbiddenfromdrinkingoranykindof

backtoL.A.,Iwasonbedrestandforbiddenfromdrinkingoranykindofstrenuousphysicalactivity.

Thedoctorsinstalledadefibrillatortokeepmyheartfromstoppingandtokeepmyheartratesteady.AfteratimeIbegantherapy,startingwithveryminimalexerciseandworkingmywayup.Miraculously,myheartstartedtoheal,andthedoctorscouldnotbelievethatmyconditionwasimproving.EventuallyIwasabletoplayagainandIwasdeterminedtofinishupourclubtour.IhadbeenoutofcirculationforaboutfourmonthsandIwastotallysober.WhenIsawthebandagain,thistimethroughcleareyes,Irealizedhowdysfunctionalitwas.

Betweenthejunkiesingerwhowasonthevergeofwithdrawalatanymomentandthebassplayer,theyseemedliketheywantednothingbuttolivethewholelifestylethatIhadareputationfor.Butinmynew,clear-mindedstate,itappearedtomethatthewholethingwasveryunprofessionalandallovertheplace.Acoupleoftheguysseemedlesscommittedthanguysinmyinhighschoolbandshadbeen:theyweretreatingthiswholethinglikeafreeride,andnoonewascarryingtheirweight.IspenttherestofthosedateswhenIwasn’tonstageinmybunk.WhenwegotbacktoL.A.afterthelastgig,Istayedupthereuntileveryonewasgone,andthatwasthelastIspoketoanyofthemforquitesometime.IamgoodfriendswithJohnnyandMattagain,nowthatenoughtimehaspassed.

SOBRIETYALSOCONFIRMEDTHEFEELINGthatJerryHellerwasdrainingmylifeandneededtogo…butIhadsignedthatcontractandwasboundbyit.IfinallygotabreakwhenJerrymadeamistakethatPerlaandIdiscoveredaftersomethoroughinvestigating.Earlyinourpartnership,JerrygotmetorecordaguitarpartforRodStewartonthesong“Human”fromthealbumofthesamename.Hehadbookedthatrecordinggigforme,whichwasamaterialbreachofourcontract—amanagercan’tbooksomethinglikethatandtakeacommission,whichhehad.Intheend,hisownactionsgavemethelegaloutIneededtoberidofhim.Ifeltlucky.

Thisparticularperiod,from1999to2001,waseasilythedarkestperiodofmyexistenceonthisplanet.Recreationaldrinkinghadmorphedintoseverealcoholism.Iallowedmyselftobethrowntothewolves…allthesepeopleweretakingadvantageofmewhenallIreallywantedtodowasplayandnotdealwith

itall.Itwasahugerealitycheck.

IfigureIpaidmyduesafterGuns.Itwastoughgoing,butIguessitwassomethingIhadtogothroughtobeabletofocusandseehowtenaciousandresilientIreallyam.AndtorediscoverhowbadlyIstillwantedit.

BYNOWPERLAANDIHADMOVEDINTOanewhouseupinNicholsCanyon,determinedtorelaxandmakeanewstart.Wesettledintoanicepseudo-domesticlifetogether,asbestwecould,asIcontinuedtojamwhereverIchosetoandwaitedforinspirationtoleadmetomynextbandsituation.In2001,IagreedtoplayatMichaelJackson’sfortiethbirthdaycelebrationatMadisonSquareGardenandPerlaandIflewoutforit.Thiswasmyfirstgigsincemyoperation,soIwaslookingforwardtoit,anditturnedouttobememorable…tosaytheleast.

IdidacoupledaysofrehearsaltopreparetoperformonSeptember8and10.Itpromisedtobeahugeevent;MichaelhadeveryonefromJamieFoxxtoLizaMinnellitoMarlonBrando,theJacksonFive,andGloriaEstefanonthebill,amongothers.Itwasagreatshow,andeveryoneintheMichaelJacksonentouragewasrockingout,thoughIwasdoingthebestIcouldtostayawayfromalcohol.Afterall,Inowhadapacemaker,whichmadethingsinteresting.

Whenthedoctorsputinthedefibrillator,itwasformaintaininganormalheartrate.Formostpeople,thisisn’taproblem,butIneglectedtotellthespecialiststhatonceIgetuponstagemyheartrateskyrockets.WhenItookthestagewithMichaelandgotintoit,Iwassuddenlyhitinthechestbyashock,andmyvisionwasfloodedwithelectricbluelight.ThishappenedaboutfourtimesduringeachsongandIhadnoideawhatwasgoingon—IthoughtIhadashortinmyguitarcableoraphotographer’sflashhadpoppedinmyeyes.Andeachtimeithappened,Ihadtostandthereandmakeitlooklikeeverythingwasstatusquo.IsawitlateronTVandyoucouldn’ttell,soIguessIpulleditoff.Itwasallextremelydisconcerting,however,untilIfinallyfiguredoutwhatwaswhat.

Onthemorningof9/11,wewerewokenupat8:15byDavidWilliams,Michael’shouseguitarplayer.

“Slash,turnontheTV,”hetoldme.

“It’salreadyon,”Isaid.

“Isitonthenews?”heasked,lookingatmekindofoddly.

“No,it’sontheE!channel,”Itoldhim.

“Well,putonthenews!”IsawthataplanehadhittheTwinTowers,andmomentslaterthesecondonehitwhileIwasactuallywatching.Thewindowswereopeninmyroom,soIcouldseewhatwasgoingoninthedistance.ThatwasprobablyoneofthemostunnervingeventsI’deverexperienced.Asyoucanimagine,thewholehotelwasinpandemonium.Therewerepeoplerunningaroundthehallwayasifitweretheendofthecivilizedworld.AndPerlawasstillasleep.Ihadtowakeherupandtrytoexplainwhatwashappening.Ithinkittookafewminutesbeforeitsankin.Michaelandhisimmediateentouragehadleftthebuildingandweresafelyonaplaneoutofthecountry,Ibelieve.Butwewerestuckthereinacityturnedupsidedown.

Ithoughtthesafestplacetobewaswherewewere,butPerlathoughtdifferently.Shewantedoutofthere.Shewasconvincedthattheairwasfilledwithtoxins,butwecouldn’tgetarideout.Andforsomereason,alotofMichael’sdancersandbackgroundsingershadconvenedinourroom,becauseeveryonewastrappedinManhattanwithnowayout.Perlareallywantedtogethome,soshewasinanintensestatetryingtofigureoutawaytogetusacrossthecountry.

Eventuallywefoundalimothattookusacrosstheonlybridgethatwasopenatthatpoint,theGeorgeWashingtonBridge.WecontinuedacrossNewJerseytothePoconos,whichisaresortareainPennsylvania.PerlafoundusaroominthePoconoPalace,thislove-themehotelthatsheknewabout—Ididn’taskhow.Whenwefinallygotthere,itwaslikesomethingI’donlyseeninmagazines.Thisplacehadachampagneglassforabathtub,satinsheetsandvelvetblanketsonarotatingbed,tackyredcarpets,andmirrorsontheceiling.Bythetimewegotthere,weweredeadtired.

Wecollectedourdinnerticketsfromthefrontdesk—becausethat’sthekindofplacethiswas—andheadedtothesmorgasboard-styledinner.Likeeveryothercouplethere,wewereassignedanumberandhaddesignatedseatsatabigroundtablefilledwithothercouples.WeweresittingtherewitholdfolksfromNewJerseywhohadrenewedtheirvows,nerdypeoplewho’djustgottenmarried,andafewcoupleswhoshouldhaveknownbetter.Therewasnothing

married,andafewcoupleswhoshouldhaveknownbetter.Therewasnothingbeautifulorromanticaboutthatplaceatall.Everyoneweinteractedwithwasclearlyscaredofus,butwhatscaredusmostaboutthemwasthatnoonewasawareofthetragedythathadjustoccurredahundredmilesaway.

Therewasashittybandandastand-upcomicbookedasdinnerentertainment,therewasminiaturegolf,horsebackriding,couplesriding,andeveryclichédromanticactivityimaingable.LovewasthePiedPiperforallofthosefuckingmisfits.Whenwegottotalkingtoanyofthemwhoknewabouttheattack,theydidn’tseemtocare.Theyweretherewallowinginlove,andweresointoitthat9/11wasn’tanissueworthdiscussing.Wewerestuckthere,strangersinastrangeland,forthreedays.Thenwebunny-hopped,flightbyflight,backtoL.A.

IHADONERUN-INWITHHEROINDURINGthisperiodofmylife.I’dstayedawayandlostinterestinitforsolongthatIactuallybelievedmyownbullshitwhenItoldmyselfI’dnevertouchitagain.EvenasIbegantohangaroundwhereitmightbeorasImadeplanstohookupwithpeoplewhoprobablyhadit,Istillbelievedmyself.IassuredmyselfandIassuredPerlathatIwasdonewithit,butIshouldhaveknown—oratleastadmittedittomyself—whereitwasgoing.

OnenightIgotsomeandwentbacktotheHyattonSunsetandgotsohighthatInoddedoutandfellasleepwithallofmyweightononeleg.WhenIwokeupIcouldn’tfeelitatall.Icouldn’tbendit,Icouldn’tstandup,anditdidn’tseemtogetanybetteronceIstretcheditout.Junkiesdothatallthetime;someofthemcutofftheircirculationsobadlythatgangrenesetsin.

Ihadtocall911andIwastakentoCedars-Sinai,whichwascompletelyfullatthetime.Sotheyputmeinaholdingroomuntiltheycouldfindmeapermanentroom.AsIlaytheresmokingcigarettes,whichtheyweren’ttoohappyabout,theygotintouchwithPerlaandshecamedownandItoldherwhathadhappened.ThewholeepisodescaredherandshethreatenedtoleavemeifIcontinueddownthisroad.Iwasinthereforaweekanditwasagreatchancetogetsomepeaceandquiet…andwatchtheHistoryChannel.

SlashandRayCharlesrecordingatRay’slegendarystudioinLosAngeles.

Seeingherthereonlyconfirmedformethatshewastheone.Iaskedhertogetmarriedandluckilysheagreed.WehadabeautifullittleceremonyinMaui,andspentaweektogether,enjoyingeachother.Thingsweredefinitelylookingup.

Beforethehoneymoon,Icarriedmyguitararoundandconstantlysetupsessions,thougheverythingaroundmeremainedchaotic.Withmyblackbookandcellphone,Itriedtokeepthingsgoingmusically.Ilackedfocus,butIwascommitted,andsometimesmyeffortsleadtoaluckybreak.OnewasworkingwiththelegendaryRayCharles.ThedayafterPerlaandIreturnedfromourhoneymoon,IwenttoSouthCentralL.A.torecord“GodBlessAmericaAgain”withhim.Iusedmy’54TellyanditwasoneofthemoreamazingsessionsI’veeverparticipatedinitwas,ahugehonorandahumblingexperience.Ididn’tthinkRayhadevenheardofme,buttherewewereplayingtogether.

Raywasinvolvedwithabenefitforunderpriviledgedkidswithaninterestinmusic—he’dletthemrecordinhisstudioandusehisequipment,andsometimesRayevenplayedwiththem.They’dworkonsongs,techniques,andarrangementswhilehecoachedthem.I’dgodownthereattimestoplaysometrackswiththekids.Helpingthemoutwasanincrediblefeeling.

IalsocontributedtocertainpartsoftheRaymovietracks;Iplayedwithguyswayoutofmyleague,big-bandold-timebluesjazzplayers.Iplayedguitaron“SorryIstheHardestWord”onhisRayandFriendsalbum,butafterRaydied,theexecutiveproducerusedafriendofhisinsteadandtookmypartoff,eventhoughRaythoughtIwasmorebluesy.

Myperiodofrootlessnessinthemusicalsensewasabouttocometoanend.IhadwanderedandIhadlearned.Iwasreadytocomebacktomycenterandmakeanewstart.Itwastime.IgottogetherwithPeteAngelus,whohadmanagedtheBlackCrowesandhadwantedtomanageme.HegotmetogetherwithSteveGorman,theCrowes’drummer,andAlanNiventurnedmeontoabassplayer.Westartedtowriteandcameupwiththemusicforwhatbecame“FalltoPieces.”Allweneededwasasinger—again.ButthenmygoodfriendRandyCastillopassedawayandIwenttohisfuneral,andoutofhisdeathcamearebirthIcouldhaveneverimagined.

VelvetRevolverandsomeoftheirbiggestfansontheSantaMonicaPierinJuly2004duringthemakingofthe“FalltoPieces”musicvideo.

13

ComingUpforAir

Youcan’twaitaroundfordestinytogiveyouwhatyouthinkyoudeserve,youhavetoearnit,evenifyouthinkyou’vepaidyourdues.Youmighthaveachievedwhatyouwanted,butareyousureyoulearnedthelesson?

In2002,IwenttoIrelandandhookedupwithRonnieWoodtobepartofthetourforhissolorecord.HecalledittheNotforBeginnerstour.PerlacamewithmeandwehungoutwithRonnieandhiswife,Jo,andhadagreattime.We’drehearseinRonnie’sbar:hehasabuildingapartfromthehousethatisaproperpubwithasnookertableandGuinnessontap.Weranthroughgreatstuff:Woodie’sstuff,Stonesstuff,Facessongs,aGunsN’Rosessong,andaSnakepitsong.WehadsixtysongsrehearsedandagreatbandtoplaythemmadeupofRonnie’ssonJessie,twoofJessie’sfriendsonbassanddrums,andacoupleofotherguys;plusRonnie’sdaughterLeahsingingbackground.ItwasareallycoolthingbecausewetouredalloftheselittleclubsallovertheU.K.WehadtheCoorscomeupandsingandwe’dplaytheFaces’classic“OohLaLa”everynight.TherewasalotoffunandalotofGuinnesstobehad.AsPerlaandIwouldlaterdiscover,thatiswhereoursonLondonwasconceived.

AfterthattourwecamebackandheadedtoVegasforNewYear’s.Beforewe’dgonetotheU.K.,we’dspentaweekenddownthereattheopeningofthisresortcalledtheGreenValleyRanch,andwhilewewerethere,intheVegas

magazineinourroomwenoticedanadforGunsN’RosesliveonNewYear’sattheHardRockHotel&Casino.Wedecidedthatwehadtocheckitout.

IcalledapromoterIknewandhesaidhe’dgetusinnoproblem.WegottotheHardRocktocheckintoourroomafewhoursbeforetheshow,andaswewalkedthroughthelobby,peoplewerenoticingusbecauseGunsfanswereeverywhere.We’dbeeninourroomforabouttenminuteswhentherewasaknockatthedoor.Iopenedituptoseehotelsecurity.

“Oh,hi!”Isaid.“Istheresomethingwrong?”

“Sir,wehavecometoletyouknowthatyouwillnotbeallowedintotheGunsN’Rosesshowtonight.”

“Ohyeah?Whyisthat?”

“WehavestrictordersfromGunsN’Rosesmanagementnottoallowyouadmittanceunderanycircumstances.I’msorry.”

“C’mon,man,that’sridiculous,”Isaid.“Justsneakmein.I’mnotheretocausetrouble,Ijustwanttoseetheshow.I’msureyoucanunderstandwhy.”

“I’msorry,sir,thereisnothingwecandoaboutit.”

Igotintouchwithmypromoterfriendandtherewasnothinghecoulddoeither.HesaidthatthewordwasthatI’dbeenspottedwithmyguitarandtophatasifIwasgoingtogetonstage.Thatwaspreposterous—Ididn’tevenhaveaguitarwithme!Itwasnouse;theentirestaffwasinstructedtokeepmeoutatallcosts.Wedecidedthatitwasn’tworthit;I’mnotthetypetocauseascene.

PerlaandIcheckedoutandgotaroomoverattheGreenValleyRanchandwenttothegrandopeningofWhiskeyBlueattheresortandhadablastatthehugeNewYear’sEvepartytheywerehaving.Thatnight,IranintoaguywhomI’dmetbeforebutdidn’tknowverywell,thoughheknewme.Hetookmeintothebathroomandlaidoutalineofwhatlookedlikeblowformetosnort.

IlovetobedeviantanddowhatI’mnotsupposedtodo,whichincludesdoingwhateverdrugsaregiventomewithoutreallyaskingwhattheyareorwonderingwheretheycamefrom.Isnortedthisstuffup,andwithinfiveminutesaveryfamiliareuphoriacameoverme.Iknewthatfeelingwell;itwasn’tcoke,itwasanopiate…thiswassomeformofheroin.Averygoodform

wasn’tcoke,itwasanopiate…thiswassomeformofheroin.Averygoodformindeed,becausesuddenlyeverythingintheworldwaswonderfulasfarasIwasconcerned.

Iaskedhimformoreandhegavemeahandfulofpills.“Whatisthis?”Iasked.“ThisiswhatIjustdid?”

“It’sOxyContin,”hesaid.“It’sbasicallysyntheticheroin.Yousmashitupandsnortit.I’vegotagreatconnection.”Hesuredid:he’djustbeatencancerandhadabottomlessprescription.

“Wow,”Isaid,barelyconcealingmyenthusiasm.“I’llkeepthatinmind.”

NowPerlaandIhadspentthefirstyearsofourmarriageandourrelationshipbeingprettywild.Shewasthemostawesome,coolestgirl:nomatterhowmanypartieswewentto,nomatterhowmuchshitshe’ddoneorI’ddoneorwhatwasgoingonaroundus,Perlawasalwaysincontrol.Shecouldremaingroundedininsanecircumstancesandwasalwaystheonetotakecareofanyonewhoneededhelp.Duringthatphase,wedrankalot,wedidalotofEcstasyandcoke,buttheonethingshewouldnottoleratewasdope.ShethreatenedtoleavemeaftermyepisodeattheHyattandtherewasnowaythatshewasgoingtoallowthishigh-gradeshit—whichmadeitallthemoreappealing.

ItoldmyselfI’dtellherasIcrushedanotherOxyContinandsnorteditandenteredablissfulstate.IbroughtthathabitbacktoL.A.withmeandsnuckthisstuffinsecretforawhile.Istartedcallingmynewfriendtogetmore…he’drunbackandforthfromL.A.toVegastokeepmesupplied.PrettysoonIhadanewtypeofmonkeyonmyback.

IfthereisonethingIam,it’s“theeternalteenager.”

ITWASNOW2002ANDAEROSMITHWASplayingtheL.A.ForumwithCheapTrickopeningup.IwasallsetuptogoandmyVegasfriendwasintownwithabigbatchofOxyContinandwewerearmedtotheteethandreadytohaveagreatnight.PerlaandIgotintoahugefightaboutsomethinginsignificantshortlybeforeIhadtoleave.Itwasbadenoughthatshedidn’twantmetogo—shewantedclosurebeforeIdid.

Iwasstonedandstubborn;Ididn’twanttohearit,Iwasgoingtotheshowwhetherweworkeditoutornot.MyfriendwaswaitinginthecarandIwas

whetherweworkeditoutornot.MyfriendwaswaitinginthecarandIwastryingtogetoutofthehouse.IwalkedtothedoorasPerlastoodatthebottomofthestairs,stilltalkingtomedespitemyunresponsiveness.

“Slash!”sheyelled.Iturnedaround.“I’mpregnant.”

HighasIwas,thatcutstraightthroughit.Istaredatherforalongmoment.Itfeltliketimestopped.

“Okay,”Isaid.“Let’stalkwhenIgetback.”

Igothighasakitethatnight,sodeliberatelyandobviouslythattheAerosmithguys,theCheapTrickguys,andeveryoneIranintowereawareofit.Underthecircumstances,Ididtheonlythingthatmadesense:IhungoutwithDavidLeeRothallnight.But,inthebackofmymind,Icouldn’tgetwhatPerlahadsaidtomeoutofmyhead.

WhenIgothomewetalkedabouteverything.We’dbeenmarriedoverayear,andtogetherforfiveyears.Upuntilthen,nothinghadhappenedandwe’dneverusedprotection.Itdidn’ttakeuslongtodecidethatwewouldhavethebaby.WesurmisedthatmyGuinnessconsumptioninIrelandmusthavehadsomethingtodowithmysuddenpotency.Therunningjokewasthatwe’dnamethekidGuinness,butwedecidedagainstitsincethatwasRonnieWood’sdog’sname.

MorethananyotherincentiveI’veeverhad,Perla’spregnancystraightenedmeout:IgotofftheOxy,stillwithouttellingPerlawhatIwasupto.IjustkickedasIhadinthepast—coldturkey,withnoonethewiser.Ikickedstandingup,andtoldPerlathatIhadtheflu.Butitwasnouse:I’dforgottenaboutastashI’dhiddeninourguestroom,andwhenshefounditsheknewexactlywhatIwasupto.

We’dbeenhoppingfromrentaltorentalandfinallydecidedthatweneededtobuyahouse.I’dhadthehousewhereI’drecordedSnakepitonthemarketforawhileandithadfinallysold,soitwaslikeanewstart.IrememberstartingourhousehuntwhileIwasgettingcleanandjustsweatingprofuselyaswelookedattheseplaces.IthinkIwasstillclingingtothefluexcuseatthatpoint.

Welookedatthisonehousethatwasstraightoutof“HanselandGretel”:itwasamedievalcottagethattheownerhaddecoratedridiculously.Itturnedout

tobeSpencerProffer’shouse,theguywhoproducedLive!LikeaSuicide.Wehadaquickhelloandgood-bye,justadrive-bycatchingup.Iwassurprisedtofindoutrecentlythathehasnothingnicetosayaboutusatall.HesaidthatduringthosesessionsIpeedonthefloorandthatAxlshotupinthestudioandthrewuponthecontrolboardandtriedtogetSpencertoshootup,too.YoucanreadtheseliesandmoreintheextensivelibraryofunauthorizedGunsN’Rosesstoriesavailableatbookstoresandonline.Noneofthatistrue;hemusthaveacaseofillwillbecausewedidn’thirehimtoproducethewholerecord.

SoIgotclean,andIwasinspiredbyPerla:fromthesecondsheknewshewaspregnanttothedayshehadthebaby,shedidn’ttouchadrinkandquitsmokingonthespot.Sheunderwentsuchahuge,abruptswitch;thematernalinstincttookoverimmediatelyanditwasamazing.

Perlahadsomecomplicationswiththepregnancy;Londonwasabreechbaby,whichmeansthathewassittinginsuchawaythatitwasveryuncomfortableandpainfulforherformostoftheninemonths.Shehadtoremainonbedrestformostofherterm.

DuringthosemonthsIstartedlookingtoputanewbandtogether.PeteAngelus,whohadmanagedVanHalen,DavidLeeRoth,andtheBlackCrowes,hadtakenaninterestinmanagingme,sohehookedmeupwithSteveGorman,thethenformerdrummerfortheBlackCrowes,whowasavailablebecauseatthatpointthey’dbrokenup.MyoldbuddyAlanNivengavemethenumberofabassplayerthathethoughtIshouldhear,sowebroughthimin,andIcan’trememberhisnamebutthethreeofusstartedrehearsing,justjammingwithnorealagenda.Iwasonthestraightandnarrow,notreallyevendrinking.ItwasthefirsttimesincebeforethefinalmonthsofSnakepitthatIhadgottenmyselfbackintogear:Iwasinabetterheadspacethanever,I’dstartedtothinkaboutabandagain,andI’dstartedwritingmaterial.DuringthattimeIcameupwiththemusicthatevolvedintothesong“FalltoPieces.”Wejammedforaveryshortperiodoftime,butIcameupwithalotofideas,themostcompleteonebeingthatsong.Thosewerethefirstsignsofmetakinganykindofaresponsible,adultroleinmylife,becauseifthereisonethingIam,it’s“theeternalteenager.”

ITWASAROUNDTHISTIMETHATIHEARDRandyCastillohaddied.I’dknownRandyforyears;we’dmetinthemetaltouringcircuitoftheeighties.Hewas

oneofthemostin-demandsessionandtouringdrummersaround;he’dplayedwithOzzy,LitaFord,andeveryoneelseyoucanthinkof.ButRandywasasfarfromthetypicalL.A.metalmusicianascouldbe:hewasoneofthemostgenuine,down-to-earth,andeasygoingpeopleImetduringthatentireperiod.Hewasalwaysfuntohangoutwithandjustnobullshit:hewastotallyself-abusivewithboozeandcoke,butwasalwaysagreatdrummerwithaheartofgold.Idon’trememberexactlyhowwemet,butwehadmutualfriends,andinmyminditfeltlikeI’dalwaysknownRandy.WhatsethimapartfromeveryoneelseinL.A.wasthathewasalwayshappyandneverjudgmentalofanybody.Unlikemostoftheothercharactersaroundbackthen,hewasneverpreoccupiedwithtalkingshitaboutotherpeople,orspendingthenightcritiquinghowotherpeoplelookedoracted.ThatkindofconversationissuchanL.A.staple;Randydidn’tcare—maybebecausehewasfromNewMexicooriginally.

IplayedNewMexicowithSnakepit,andbythenI’dheardthatRandyhadcancerandthatitwasveryserious.Whenwecamethrough,hecamedowntotheshowandhungoutonthebuswithus.Atthetimehewasundergoingchemotherapyandhedidn’tlookgoodatall.HewasverythinandweakbutIwasjustsohappythathe’devencomedown.

AshortwhilelaterIheardthathiscancerhadallbutdisappearedandthathewasdoingmuchbetter.AndnotlongafterthatIsawhimandhewasadifferentguyaltogether—helookedgreat.WhenIgotthecall,maybefivemonthsafterthat,thatRandyhaddied,Iwasshocked.Ihadn’tevenknownthathe’dtakenamajordownturn.

ThefuneralwasatForestLawnCemeteryandeveryoneRandyhadeverknownwasthere,allhisoldmusicianfriendsfromallofthebandshe’dbeenin,includingOzzy,Randy’sextendedfamily,andallofhisfriendswholovedhim—itwasahugegathering.AtthereceptionIranintoMattSorum,whotoldmethatheandsomeothersweresettingupafund-raiserforRandy’sfamilyandorganizingabenefitgigtoraisemoneyandcommemoratehim.MattaskedmeifIwantedtoplayatthegigandIthoughtitwasagreatidea;anyexcusetoplayguitaronstageisallIneed.Besides,IwantedtodoitforRandy.

MattandIdecidedthatwe’ddoasettogetherandweagreedtocallDuff,who’dmovedbacktoSeattle,toaskhimifhewasinterested.He’dformedabandcalledNeuroticOutsiderswithSteveJonesfromtheSexPistolsandtheyhadputoutarecordanddoneatour.Thentheydisbanded;DuffhadputanotherbandtogetherwithsomefriendsfromSeattlecalledLoaded.I’drunintohima

bandtogetherwithsomefriendsfromSeattlecalledLoaded.I’drunintohimafewtimesinthepastyear:he’dcomedownformybirthday,andwe’djammedwithIzzyinastudioonetime,soweweredefinitelyonspeakingtermsandincontact.

Weneededasinger(asusual)andweneededarhythmguitarplayer.IhadmyeyeonJoshToddandKeithNelsonfromBuckcherry.I’dheardthattheirbandhadbrokenup,sothatwasanoption.IlikedJosh’svoiceonsomeofthestuffoftheirsthatI’dheardandthisseemedlikeagoodopportunitytotryhimout.

Wewantedtomakethisthingsomethingspecial,soMattcalledB-RealandSenDogfromCypressHilltoseeifthey’dbewillingtocomedownanddoasongorsomethingwithus.Theywerein,soweallshoweduptorehearseanditwasreallyalandmarkafternoon.WhenwewalkedinoveratMatestherewasatangiblevibe:beinginaroomagainwithMattandDuffinstantlytookmebacktothechemistrywe’dsharedonstageeverynightwithGuns.Wegotuptogetherwhiletheotherguyswatched,andthemomentwehitthefirstchord,therewasaconfidenceandamusicalcameraderiethatspokeforitself.Anditsaid,“Thisishowit’sdone,boys.”

Werehearsed“ParadiseCity,”“It’sSoEasy,”“MamaKin,”ThinLizzy’s“Jailbreak,”“Rock-’n’-RollSuperstar,”andtheSexPistols’“Bodies.”B-RealandSenDogcameupandrappedtheversesof“ParadiseCity.”Itwasfuckinggreat.ForthefirsttimesincethefirstSnakepit,Ifeltfulfilledmusically.Iwassurroundedbymusicianswhoreallyknewhowtoholddownameangrooveandputforthanevenmeanerdelivery.ThecoreofMatt,Duff,andIwasundeniable.Whenwestartedjamming,peoplewhowererehearsingorworkingatMatesthatdaybeganwanderingintowatchandlisten.Soonwehadasmallaudienceandweplasteredthemtothewall.

Randy’stributewasattheKeyClubonApril29,2002.ItwasthefirsttimethatthatmanymembersofGunshadplayedtogetherinyears.Wewentonlastandwejustslammedtheplace.StevenTylercameupanddid“MamaKin”withus.Allinallitwasamomentousevening.Iwaselated.

IwashomewithPerlathenextdaywhenDuffcalled.

“Hey,man,”hesaid.“Thatwasgreatlastnight.Likereallygreat.”

“Yeah,itwas,”Isaid.“I’vebeenthinkingaboutitallmorning.”

“Yeah,itwas,”Isaid.“I’vebeenthinkingaboutitallmorning.”

WhatI’dbeenthinkingwasthatI’dbeenwastingtime.I’dbeentinkeringaroundwithothermusicians;talentedguys,sure,butnoneofthemwererightforme.I’dbeenlookingforsomethingwhenwhatIwasafterhadbeenrightinfrontofmethewholetime.

“Duff,weshoulddosomethingwiththis,”Isaid.“Wewouldbestupidnotto.FuckalloftheobviousGunsN’Rosesconnotations.”

“Allright…okay,”hesaid.“Let’sdoit.”

DuffandIhadneversaidit,butthetwoofushadbeenconsciouslyavoidingworkingwitheachother.Wedidn’twanttobepigeonholed,wedidn’twanttobelabeled:wedidn’twanttoresignourselvestothecompartmentwe’dberelegatedto—anex-Gunssideproject.Atthispointenoughtimehadgoneby,andevenifithadn’t,we’dexperiencedenoughenergyplayingtogetheragaintoknowthatwecouldgetbeyondanybullshitexpectationthatmightbedumpedonus.

Mattwasin,too,andsinceJoshandKeithwereinterestedingoingforit,westartedgettingtogetherafewdaysaweekattheirrehearsalspaceinNorthHollywood.Iwasn’tsureaboutthembecauseIdidn’tknowthem,butIwaswillingtogiveitashot.

KeithandJoshbroughtinacoupleofgoodsongsthatweworkedonandDuffandIstartedmakingthingsuponthespot,justasnaturallyaswealwaysdid.TheonethingIdidn’tlikeaboutthespacewasthatIcouldn’thearJoshsingingatall.Itstartedtoworrymethatafterafewweeks,aswegotmoreandmoreinvolved,Istillhadnoideawhatthewholebandsoundedlike.Istartedmakingboardtapes,andboy,wasIsurprised.WhenIplayedthemback,Iwasshocked:Josh’svoicewasjusttoolinearandgrating;itwasadistractionfromthemusic,nottomentionjustatadoff-key.

IamembarrassedtoadmitthatIwaswillingtoquitthebandprematurelybecauseofthat.IassumedthatDuffandMatthadbeenlisteningtothesametapesofoursessionsthatIhad;andit’smyfaultthatIpresumedthatsincenoonewasobjectingtowhatweweredoing,theywereallfinewithit.

“Ican’tdothisanymore,”ItoldDuffandMattafterrehearsaloneday.“I’mdone.”

done.”

“Hey!Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Duffasked.

“What’swrong?”Mattasked.

“Haveyoulistenedtothesesessionswe’vebeendoing?”

“No,”theybothsaid.

“Well,youshould.”

Thatnighttheydidandthenextdaywewereallonthesamepage.

Josh’svoiceisperfectforBuckcherry,butitwasn’tmusicalenoughforwhatwehadinmind.IamhappytosaythatBuckcherryhasgottenbacktogetherandtheirbigsinglein2006,“CrazyBitch,”wasoneofthetracksweworkedonduringthatperiod.

WeletJoshknowthatwedidn’twanttocontinuewithhimanditwasallveryamicable,butweweren’tquitesurehowtohandleitwhenKeithtoldusthatheintendedtokeepworkingwithus.Thosetwowerewritingpartners,theywerefriends,andtheywerebandmates;we’dalwaysthoughtofthemasapackagedealandassumedthatKeithwouldsplitwhenJoshdid.

“Fuckthat,”hesaid.“Ilikewhatwe’redoinghere.I’mstaying.”

Therewasonlyoneproblem:generallyKeithjustplayedwhateverIplayedatthesametime.TherewasnointerplayandhehadnosenseofcomplementingwhatIplayed.SothesoundwegotwithKeithwasbasicallytwoLesPaulsplayingidenticallicks.Hehungaroundfortwomoreweeks,wethoughthemightgetthehint…buthedidn’t,sowehadtolethimgo.Again,Iwashappytohearitwhenthoseguysre-formedBuckcherry.

MATTANDDUFFANDISTARTEDREHEARSINGandwritinglikecrazy.Ihadmyeyesandearsopenforanotherguitarplayerandasinger.IhadgonewithJoshToddtoseeDuffplaywithLoadedonenightaspartofMetalShop,thisweeklyglammetalrevue,attheViperRoom.IwentinthroughthebackdooranditwasasifI’dsteppedinto1984.IsawpeopleIhadn’tseensincethen,andtheylooked

exactlythesame.Isawgirlsandguysfromthedifferentspots—theTroubadour,theWhiskey,theRainbow—lookingthewaytheydidtwentyyearsago.TherewereafewguysfromFasterPussycat,L.A.Guns,andallthesamechicksIknewfrombackthen,allthereasifthey’dbeencaughtinatimewarp;everyonewiththesameclotheson,thesamemakeupon,seeminglydoingthesameshit.Andofcourse,GeneSimmonswastherehavinghispicturetakenwithacrowdofgirls.Totopitalloff,RonJeremywastherewithafewpornchicks.

Duffhadtoldmeabouttheshowearlierthatday.

“Hey,man,”hesaid.“Sotheguyplayingguitarinmybandhasallegedthatheislikeoneofyourbestfriendsfromjuniorhigh.”

“Ohyeah?”Ihadnoideawhohemightmean.

“Yeah,really,”hesaid.“HisnameisDaveKirschner.Heswearsupanddownthatyouwerebuds,Ijustwantedtoletyouknow,he’sinmyband.”

Itwastrue,DaveandIwerebuddiesinjuniorhighandhighschool;heusedtocometomyTidasSloanshowsbeforeheevenpickedupaguitar.DaveisasupercoolguyandI’dalwaysthoughtthebestofhimalltheseyears.ThelasttimeIsawhimhewasworkingatTowerVideowhenGunsN’Roseswasjusttakingoff,atthetimehehadaprettyseriousdrinkinghabitgoing.Heworkedinthebasementbetweenthemusicandvideoshops,boxingandunloadingtheproduct,justdrinkingharddownthereapparently.He’dgottenittogether,however,andbythattimehewasfifteenyearssober.Iwaskindofcurioustoseehimagain.

TheoverwhelmingeightiesvibeatMetalShopgottomeprettyquickthatnight,butIgotthechancetosayhellotoDavebeforeIleft.Itwasreallygoodtoseehim.AfterKeithleft,DuffsuggestedthatDavecomedowntojam,andIwasallforit.Weclickedinstantly;Davebroughtacoolvibetowhatweweredoing.Therewasnodeliberation;thatwasit,itwasaperfectfit.Hebroughtanewdimensiontothesoundofthebandasitwasandaninterestingguitarstylethatcomplementedmineasminedidhis.ThelineupwasnowDuff,Matt,Dave,andme,andthemusicwascomingverynaturally.Wejusthadthatage-oldnaggingproblem:nosinger.Itisthestoryofmylife,isn’tit?

Foragroupofseasoned,professionalmusiciansyou’dthinkthatwe’dhaveaclueofhowtofindasinger.Nochance.Welookedatoneanotherwithnoideaoftheproperprocessforagrouplikeourstofindone.

oftheproperprocessforagrouplikeourstofindone.

“ShouldweputanadinTheRecycler?”Iaskedatrehearsaloneday.

“Man,Idon’tknow,”Duffsaid.“Iguessso.Wedon’tknowanysingers.”

“Thisfeelslikethetimethatwefirsthookedup,”Isaid.“WhenStevenandIfirstmetyouandwehadaband.Wewrotesomegreatshitbutfindingasingerwasjustimpossible.”

“You’reright.We’reatsquareone,”Duffsaid.“That’sprettysad,man.Whatthefuck?Iguessweshouldputanadinthepaper.”

Beforewedidthat,wethoughtitwouldbeagoodideatomakealistofeverygoodlivingrocksinger,regardlessofwhethertheywereinabandornot.Ourlistwasprettyshort:amongothers,therewasSebastianBach,IanAstbury,andSteveJones.Therewasoneothernamethateveryoneinthebandseemedkeenon:ScottWeiland…butasfarasweknewhewasstillinStoneTemplePilots.

Afterwemadeourlistandrealizedthatalmosteveryoneonitwasotherwiseaccountedfor,wedidputanadinTheRecycleraswellastheMusicConnection.WeevenwentsofarastoplaceanadintheHollywoodReporter.ButthemostsignificantthingwedidwasputablurbonMTV.com.WecouldneverhavedonethatintheolddaysandperhapsIwasnaiveabouttheimpactthatitwouldhave.Isoonlearnedmylesson:thatoneblurbsetoffabarrageofCDandcassette-tapedemossentourway.Theyarrivedonadailybasis,asourlittlebeginningofabandbecamepublicknowledge.

Our“project”startedbeingreportedontheradio,bloggedaboutontheInternet;allofasuddenwe’dgeneratedalotofattentionjustbytryingtofindourselvesasingerrelativelyonthedown-low.Webeganreceivingtwohundredsubmissionsaweekfromaroundtheworld,allofthempouringintomyP.O.box.I’dshowuptocollectthesehugeboxesofshit,andtheguysatthemailboxplace,who’vewatchedthisbandfromthatphaseonout,havegivenmetheknowingwinkeversince.

IGOTARANDOMCALLONEDAY.

“Hello?”

“Hey,whatareyoudoin’?It’sIzzy.”

“Hey,man,I’mgood,”Isaid.“I’mactuallygoingtorehearsal.I’vebeenworkingwithDuffandMattandthisguyDave.We’vegotsomethingreallygoodgoing.”

“Hey,cool.I’llcomedown.”

ItwasclassicIzzy;he’ssoelusive,he’llpopupsomewhereoutoftheblue,hangoutintensely,thendisappearforacoupleofmonths.Hecamedowntothestudiowithhisguitarandampandhebroughtacoupleofdemos.Wejammedwithhimfortwoweeksanditwasgreat:wewroteabouttwelvesongsthatwouldhavebeenthebestGunsN’Rosesrecord,handsdown.Wetalkedabouttheolddays,wesharedwarstories;welaughedalotandwehadareallygoodtime.

Atthesametimewecontinuedthequestforasinger,whichdidn’tinterestIzzyonebit.Wheneverwebroughtitup,hewantednothingtodowiththeconversationinanyway;hewantedtodistancehimselfasmuchaspossible.Hedidn’tactuallywanttobeintheband,ifthat’swhatweintended;hejustwantedtohangout.Discussingwheretofindaleadsingerwastoomuchforhim.Hewas,ingeneral,veryanti–leadsinger.Ican’timaginewhy.

ThesingerthinghadbeenaproblemformeineverybandI’deverjoined,andIcouldn’tbelievethatafterallofthistime,itplaguedmestill.

“Igotanidea,”Izzysaidatrehearsaloneday.“Knowwhatweshoulddo?DuffandIwillsingandwewilljustdoaclubtourinavan.”

HesaiditinIzzy’sway,whichmeansthatitwashardtotellifhewasseriousorkidding.

Iwasdeadsetonfindingasolidfrontmanregardless,becauseIwastakingthisprojectveryseriously.Iwasgettingsickofthefactthatweweren’tgettingoutthereandplaying.Iwasn’tgoingtoletthissituationgountilitcametofruition.ButIhavetoadmit,Icontemplatedthatidea…foraminute.

WecalledlegendaryA&RmanJohnKalodnertoaskforhisadviceasfarassingerswent.Johncamedowntoseeusrehearseandhethoughtthatwewere

singerswent.Johncamedowntoseeusrehearseandhethoughtthatwewerethebestthingsinceslicedbread…buthetoldusthathedidn’tknowanygoodsingerswhowereavailable.

IzzysuggestedthatwegotrackafewofthesongswehadworkedoutatRumbo,whichwedid.AtthetimeIwonderedwhatIzzywasthinking:inmymind,whatweweredoingwithhimwasjustfuckingaroundandhavingagoodtime,withnoexpectationofwhereitwasgoing.AtthesametimeIwasintentonpursuingthis,aswasDuffandMatt,soIwasn’tsurewhyIzzywouldwanttotakeittothenextlevelbysuggestingthestudio.

Inanycase,thesongswedidtogetherweregreat,andIwasn’tgoingtoputanendtothat.Thethreeofushadalsobeenlisteningtothedemosthatweretrailingin.We’dfoundonethatwewerecuriousabout:thisguynamedKellyfromFlorida.Weflewhimouttotryavocalonatrackortwo,andassoonasheshowedupinthestudio,Izzyduckedout.Thereweren’tanyhardfeelingsoranything,hejusthadtogoandsaidhisgood-byes.

THATSINGERKELLYDIDN’TWORKOUTbuthewasastepintherightdirection.Still,monthswentbywithoutusgettinganyclosertofindingtherightmatch.Ihopedtofindadiamondintherough,someunknowntalentoutthere.ItoldGilby,whoatthetimewashangingatMateseverydaybecausehewasproducingabandcalledtheBronx.Hethoughtwewerecrazy.

“You’renevergonnafindasinger,”hesaid,smirking.“Withthelevelyou’reat,youjustcan’tdothat.Youcan’tjustlookforrawtalent;that’snowherenearyourlevel.Thereareonlysomanysingersaroundwhoareevenworthconsidering—andweknowallofthem!”

Iwasn’tgoingtobediscouraged;Ipersevered.Wehadendlesstapescominginandtherehadtobesomethingofvalueinthere—orsoIthought.Werehearsedfivedaysaweek:threehourswerespentwritingandthelasttwoeverydaywerespentlisteningtothemountainoftapesthatcamein.Welistenedtoallofthem.Itwasgrueling.Morethanthat,itwasdiscouraging.Iamamazedthatweactuallystuckitoutasabandatall:weheldittogetherfortenmonthsdoingthat.I’mnotsurethatIcanexplainhowbleakitgot.Thatis,afterall,whywelistenedtothosetapesafterwerehearsed.Usuallytheyweresobadthatwe’dneedtosleepitoffjusttobeabletostartfreshagainthenextday.

Mostofthemweresobadthatweassumedthattheyweretakingthepiss…butwewereneverquitesure.ToomanywerelikesomeguyinWyomingwholivedinagaragesendingushisverybestimitationofGuns.ThereweretoomanytapesbysingerswhojustlovedGunstoanunhealthydegree.Iwantedtoaskalotofthemifthey’dactuallylistenedtowhattheyhadsentusoratleastplayeditforsomeoneelsebeforetheysentit,andiftheyhadwhatthatpersonthoughtofit.

Therewereendlessexamplesofguysdoingreallybadversionsof“WelcometotheJungle”;thereweretoomanypeoplewhoconsideredthemselvespoetssubmittingdramaticlyricsonavarietyofsubjects.Wegotfolksingers,wegotthrash-metalsingers,wegotpeoplewhosentusrecordingsthatweresopoorthatIsweartoGodtheymusthaverecordedthemonthemikeintheirboombox.

IwasdrivingthroughNorthHollywoodonedaythinkingabouthowstrangethisprocesswas.AtthesametimeIthoughtthatitshouldbedocumented,becauseIknewthatitwasgoingsomewhere.IthoughtthatIshouldtalktomyfriendEricLuftglass,aproduceratVH1aboutit,butliterallybeforethatthoughtgotmoremature,hecalledme.

“HeySlash,EricLuftglass.IhearthatyouandDuffandMattareputtingtogetherabandandlookingforasinger,”hesaid.

“Yeah,doyouknowanyone?”Isaid.

“That’sfunny!No,butIwantedtoknowifyou’dbeinterestedinhavingusdocumentyoursearchforaVH1special.Itwouldbeagreatlaunchpadfortheband.Hey,doyouguyshaveaname?”

“No,wehaven’tgottenthereyet.We’restillstuckonthesingerpart.Butwait,Iswear,IwasjustthinkingthatIshouldcallyoutoletyouknowaboutallofthis.”

EricsentapairofcameraguysdowntoMatesandweweren’tsureabouthowitwouldwork.Wedecidedtoreservejudgmentuntilwemetthem.TheywerebothnamedAlexandthey’drecentlyshottheAerosmithepisodeofBehindtheMusic,whichI’denjoyed.Westartedhangingoutwiththemanditwascool;theystartedtogetcasualbehind-the-scenesfootageofus.Wehadgottensomeinterestingdemosthatwereprettygood;mostofthemweredonewithtalented

singerswhowerejustnottherightstyleforwhatwewerelookingforbuttheyweregoodnonetheless.Iestimatethatoneoutofeverytwohundreddemoswelistenedtowassomeonethatintriguedusenoughtohavethemcomeintothestudio.OneofthosewasthisguynamedStevefromEnglandwhowasprettygood.HewasinabandcalledLittleHell,butImightbewrongaboutthat.Hisbandwasalmostpunkrockwithlotsofattitudeandsarcasminthelyrics.WehadhimcomeoutandheendeduponourVH1specialbutnothinghappenedasfarashisjoiningtheband.

Bythistimeabouteightmonthshadgonebysincewedecidedtodothisthingandwewerestartingtogetweathered.Itdidn’thelpmuchwhensomebigwigatVH1whohadseenthefootageofourshowcamedowntothestudiototellusto“turnupthedrama.”Therealityofusbehindthescenesapparentlywasn’tcuttingit,sowefoughtwiththeproducersfromthatpointon.Intheend,thefootagetheycapturedofafewofthesingerswasmadetolookwaymoredramaticthanitactuallywas.Unfortunately,ourtimewithSebastianBachbecamethemainthemeofthatprogram.

Amongtheprofessionalsingersweknew,IanAstburyoftheCultcamedowntocheckoutwhatweweredoing(offcamera);SebastianBachwasalsoacontender,butthatwasneverreallyconsideredasapossibility.WerehearsedwithSebastianforawhileandevenhadhimcomeintothestudiotoputvocalsonafewtracks.AtthetimehewassinginginaproductionofJesusChristSuperstaranditwasgreattoseethiswholenewprofessionalsideofSebastian.Nonetheless,itdidn’tworkout;itsoundedtoomuchlikethesumofourparts,notlikeanythingnew—itwasSkidRoses.

Andthroughoutitall,ScottWeiland’snamekeptcomingup.Everyoneinthebandknewhimonewayoranother,exceptforme.DavehadbeeninabandcalledElectricLoveHogthathadopenedforSTP,andMatthadbeeninrehabwithScott.Duff’swife,Susan,wasfriendswithScott’swife,Mary.Ijustthoughthewasagreatsinger,andhe’dalwaysbeenonmymindforthisband.HewastheonevocalistthatIknewhadthekindofvoicethatwouldservewhatweweregoingtodo:hehadaJohnLennon-ishquality,alittlebitofJimMorrison,andatouchofalmostDavidBowie.Hewasthebestsingertocomeoutinalongtimeinmyopinion.

Sinceeveryoneelseknewhim,ItoldDufftocallhimup.HedidandheaskedScottifhe’dliketohearsomeofourdemos.Scottwasintoit,sowegotfourtrackstogether,gotthemrecorded,andIbroughtthemdownpersonallyto

fourtrackstogether,gotthemrecorded,andIbroughtthemdownpersonallytohisapartment.AtthetimehewaslivingonBlackburn,ironically,justafewdoorsdownfromwhereI’dlivedwithmydadforawhilewhenIwasakid.ThatnighthewasdoingashowwithSTP,soIlefttheCDonhisdoorstepandtherestofuswaitedeagerlyforhiscall.

Aweeklaterhecalledus,andaspositiveashewasaboutthemusicandwhathethoughtweweredoing,hewashonestaboutthefactthatSTPwasstilltogether.Theywerehavingtheirproblems,butScottwasstraightforwardaboutthefactthatheintendedtostickitoutandseewhereitwasgoing.

“Listen,”Isaid.“Idon’twanttotrytodriveawedgebetweenyouandyourband.”

Weleftitatthat.AndDuff,Matt,Dave,andIwentbacktothetapepile…

WEENLISTEDTHEASSISTANCEOFMYoldattorney,turnedmanager,DaveCodikowinourquest.It’sagoodthingwedid,becauseasitcontinuedtogonowhere,afewmonthslater,DavidletusknowthatStoneTemplePilotshadbrokenup.Iwashappytohearit—forentirelyselfishreasons.Ididn’treallycareaboutbeingpolite;IaskedDufftocallScottrightawaytoaskhimifhewasinterestedincomingdownandcheckingusout.

Wehadjustwrittenthemusicto“SetMeFree,”andwegaveScottthedemo,askedhimtolistentoitand,ifhelikedit,tocomebyandseeusrehearse—nopressure.Hekeptthetrackforaweek,inwhichtimehetookitintohisownstudioandputavocaltrackonit.Atthetimewewereverymuchseekinghimout,whileScottwastryingtomapoutaplanforhimself.Hewasunsureifwhatwehadgoingonwasrightforhim,butwhenweheardhisvocalforthattrack,weknewthatitwasexactlywhatwe’dbeenlookingfor:whathedidwasfarbeyondanythingI’dimaginedforthatsong.Hetooktoanotherlevel;itsoundeddifferentandbetterthananythingwe’ddoneuptothatpoint.I’veneveraskedScotthowhefeltafterhe’drecordedthoselyrics…allIknowisthattherestofuswereexcitedashell.AndIgotthefeelinghewas,too.

Scottdeliveredthetrackhimselfthatday;hecamewalkingintoMateswearingoneofthosefisherman’shatspulledwaydownoverhiseyesandoneofthosesurfersweaterswithahoodandtwo-sidedpocketinthefront.Thedoorofourrehearsalroomwasabouttwohundredfeetfromthestagewewereon,butevenatthatdistance,aslowprofileashewas,hehadanamazingpresencethat

evenatthatdistance,aslowprofileashewas,hehadanamazingpresencethatstruckmeimmediately.Whenhecameuponstagetosayhello,itfeltlikeI’dknownhimforaverylongtime.Wegottotalking,welistenedtothedemohe’dmade,anditseemedlikewewerereconveningmorethanstartinganew.

SCOTT’SVOCALSOLDUS.WEWERETOTALLYcommitted;itbroughttogetheralloftheelementsthatwe’dbeenworkingon.Theonlyproblemwasthathewasn’tsurehewantedtojoinourband.Hewasthinkingaboutrecordinganothersolorecordandhealsohadsomepersonalissuesthathewastryingtosortout.

SlashandScottbeltingitoutattheAvalonBallroominHollywoodinMay2007.

DavidCodikow,whowithDanaDefinehadgonetoworkatImmortalasamanagementteam,tookanactiveinterestinusandsetupashowcasefortheindustrydownatMates.Weperformedjustonesong:“SetMeFree.”Ouraudiencewasmadeupofmusicproducers,musicaldirectors,andmusiccoordinatorsfromthebigmoviestudios.TomZutautwasthere,too—itwassortoflikeoldtimes.

Itwasthefirsttimethebandhadeverperformedtogetherforanaudience.AndthatwasinterestingbecauseScottdidn’tshowupuntilmomentsbeforewehadtogoon.Wewerescurryingtofindhimandhegotthereinthenickoftime.Wehadn’testablishedthekindofbondwithhimtoknowwhathe’ddonewithhisprevioustwenty-fourhourssowewereabitonedge.

Itdidn’tmatterbecausewhenhegottherewerippedintoit,andfromthefirstnoteallwasfine.Itwasoneofthosesituationswhereyou’renervousbeforeyouplay,butasyou’restandingthereinfrontofthoseindustryexecutives,andfromthefirstnoteon,youknowexactlywhoyouareandyoudon’tgiveashit.Thereisnothingcornierthanashowcaselikethat,butweweresointothesongthatwedidn’tcare.Wejustdidourthingandthatwasthat.

Itfeltlikeaband.Itfeltlikeusagainstthemagain.Wemadeagoodimpressiononourowntermsthatday.Thatwasfirstgear,butIknewthatwewerejustgettinggoingandwouldn’tbestopped.Theopenroadlayahead.

WETALKEDABOUTSCOTTGETTINGCLEANalot,becauseitwasdefinitelyanissue.Welethimknowthatbasicallyallofushadbeenthereandthatwe’drallyforhimifheneededoursupportshouldhedecidethathereallywantedtogetclean.Weweren’tpressuringhim,wewereshowinghimthatweunderstood,firsthand(tosaytheleast),andIthinkintheendthatiswhatmadehimfeelmorecomfortable.OnceitseemedthatScottwasin,westartedtakingittothenextlevel.

ITHINKTHEGREATESTTHINGABOUTthisbandisthatweneverbehavedlikeanewband;fromthestartweactedlikewe’dbeentogetherforyears.Isupposeinsomewayswehave.Wefoundanappropriatevehicletouseasafirstrunforabandthathadbeentogetherawhile:DavidandDanareachedouttoafewmovie

studiostoseewhatfilmswerecomingoutthatneededanoriginalsong.WewerepresentedwithahandfulbutwedecidedonTheHulkandTheItalianJob,whichwereofferedtousbyKathyNelsonfromUniversal,mostlybecausetheyseemedperfectandbecausewelikedKathy.

WewentintothestudiowithNickRaskulinecz,anddidacoverofPinkFloyd’s“Money”forTheItalianJob.Scottnaileditandthewholethingcametogetherveryquickly.WerehearseditatMatesinoneafternoon,thentookittoChalisStudiosinHollywoodandgotitdown.Then,forTheHulk,wewentintoOceanwaytodoaproperversionof“SetMeFree.”Weknewthattrackwouldbetheonetoestablishoursoundandwe’dseenaroughcutofthefilmandlikedit.PluswewereexcitedthatAngLeewasdirecting.WehadNickproducethattrackaswell,butitwasn’tsmoothsailing:wehadahardtimegettingitmixedbecausewecouldn’tgetitright.Weendedupgoingthroughaseriesofmixesandeventuallygotittogetherthemorningofthedeadline.

Thatwasn’tthemostawkwardaspectofthatsession:onthewaydowntoOceanwayStudiostorecordthetrackIgotacall(fromDuff)tellingmethatRobertandDeanDeLeofromStoneTemplePilotswereproducingAlienAntFarminthestudiorightnextdoortoours.IwasveryconcernedabouthowScottmightreacttothat.IgotdowntherebeforehimtomakesurenothinghappenedandIranintoRobertattheSparklettsmachineinthelounge.HewasleaningovermeasIfilledmySolocupwithwater,andIhadnoideawhohewas.

“Uh,Slash?”hesaid.

“Uh,yeah.Hi.”

“Hi,I’mRobertDeLeo.Nicetomeetyou…Muchrespect.”

Heseemedniceenough,butIwasstillworriedaboutScott.Hecameinthroughabackentrancesotheydidn’thavetocrosspathsforthedurationofthatsession.

Thosesoundtrackjobswereatest;wewereputtingourselvesoutthereinacontrolled,limitedway.Wewereasolidrock-and-rollband,butwehadn’tmadethefinalleap:DavestillhadadayjobasaconstructionworkeratthatpointandScotthadbeenthroughalongandarduousdeclineinhislastband,sohewasstillwaryandfragile.DuffandMattandIwereonehundredpercentcommitted:we’ddroppedeverythingelseatthispointtofocusonthisband.Soweperseveredandmovedforward.

perseveredandmovedforward.

Choosinganamewasarecurringthemeatrehearsalandwe’dnotreallygottenanywhereonthatfront.OnenightPerlaandIwenttothemoviesandIcan’trememberwhatwesaw,butoncethelightswentdownandthecreditscameup,Iwasstruckbythename“RevolutionStudios.”Perlamentionedsomethingaboutitaswell.Therewassomethingthere…Ilikedthebeginningoftheword.AndsoIthoughtofRevolver.Itseemedanappropriatenametomebecauseofitsmultiplemeanings:notonlydiditevokeagun,buttherewasalsothesubtextofarevolvingdoor,which,consideringhowmanymembersofotherbandsthisbandwascomposedof,seemedentirelyright.Plusofcourseit’sthenameofoneoftheBeatles’bestalbums.

ThenextdayImetthebandatUniversalStudios,whereweweregoingtoseeascreeningofTheHulktodecideifwewantedtolendoursongtothesoundtrack.OnthewalkfromKathyNelson’sofficetothescreeningroom,IbroughtupmyideaofthenameRevolverasapossibility.

“That’scool,Ilikethat,”Duffsaid.

“Ido,too,”Mattsaid.

Scottwasquietforaminute.“HowaboutBlackVelvetRevolver,”hesaid.“Iliketheideaofsomethingintimatelikevelvetjuxtaposedwithsomethingdeadlylikeagun.”

Ithoughtaboutthatforaminute.Itotallyagreedwithwherehewasgoing,butitseemedlikeamouthful.

“Hey,”Isaid.“HowaboutjustVelvetRevolver.”

“That’scool,”Scottsaid.

Everybodyelseagreed.

WewereallonthesamepageandIwasinspired;Isatdownandstartedsketchinglogosrightaway.IcameupwiththeVRthatwearestillusingandeverybodyseemedtolikethataswell.

Wewereonaroll:webookedasmallpressconferenceandperformanceshowcaseattheElReyTheater.Itwasprimarilyforindustrypeople,butthe

showcaseattheElReyTheater.Itwasprimarilyforindustrypeople,butthepublicwasadmittedaswell:wewantedtoannouncethatwewereofficiallyaband,withasingerandaname,andwewouldberecordinganalbumverysoon.Wehadjustwritten“Slither,”sowedidthat;wedid“SetMeFree,”“It’sSoEasy,”“NegativeCreep”byNirvana,andthePistols’“PrettyVacant.”Itwasn’tsomuchaquestionofsongselection;atthetimethoseweretheonlysongsweknew.

Itdidn’tmatter;theenergylevelwassohighthatitwasjustin-your-face.Thechemistryofthebandlivewaspowerfulstuffandasorganicasitgets.Thatwasthedefiningmomentforus:wewerefinallyagroup.Wehadworkedtogetherineverycapacityexceptforthemostessentialone—liveperformance.ThatElReyshowwasthemomentoftruth.Inthedressingroomafterward,weweresoinspiredbyourchemistryonstagethatwedidn’tknowwhattodo—shouldwemakearecordorshouldwejustgoontour—rightnow?

WEOPTEDTOMAKEARECORDBECAUSEthatwasthemorepracticalthingtodo.Besides,atthetimewewereinawritingzoneandnewmaterialwascomingtousveryquickly.Beforewe’dgottentogetherwithScott,we’dbeenwritingforovertenmonths,sotosaythatweoverloadedhimwithpotentialsongstowritelyricsforisanunderstatement.Wegavehimmorethananyonecouldexpectanyonetolistento.

Hecamethrough,though:hechoseafewandturnedthemintothingsthatwe’dneverhaveexpectedandlovedallthesame.ScotthasasmallstudioandrehearsalspaceinTolucaLakecalledLavish,whereheworkswithhisengineer,DougGrean.TheytookthosedemosandrearrangedthemusictoaccommodatethevocalpartsthatScottcameupwith.Outofthathugebodyofmaterial,wegot“BigMachine”and“DirtyLittleThing,”whilewecontinuedtocomeupwithnewstuff,like“YouGotNoRight,”“Slither,”and“SuckerTrainBlues,”whichweallworkedout,aswellasasongcalled“DoItfortheKids,”amongothers.Everythingcametogetherreallycool.

ItallseemedtobegoinggreatuntilScottgotarrestedintheparkinglotatLavishonenight:hewascaughtsittingtherewithsomegirlandtheyhaddrugsinthecar.Hewasalreadyonprobation,andthatwashislaststrike.Itwasarealturningpointforhim:whenhewasreleasedfromjail,hedidn’tgohome,hewentbacktohisstudio.Hecuedupapieceofmusicwe’dgivenhimawhilebefore.Andhewrotethelyricstothesongthatbecame“FalltoPieces.”Scottlet

before.Andhewrotethelyricstothesongthatbecame“FalltoPieces.”Scottletitalloutinthatsong:it’samorehonestportraitofwherehewasandwhathewasdealingwithatthatparticulartimethananyonecouldeverhopetosee.Itreallypaintsapictureofwhatwasreallygoingonwithhim,andconsequentlywithusaswell.

WEWEREN’TSUREWHOSHOULDPRODUCEourrecord,sowetriedoutafewpeople;wethrewaroundafewdifferentnames:RickRubin,BrendanO’Brien,andafewmore.I’mnotexactlysurewhosuggestedBobEzrin,butwewentintothestudioandrecorded“Slither”withhimatHensonStudios.He’djustdonethelatestJane’sAddictionrecord,butasidefromthat,hispastworkwitheveryonefromAliceCoopertoPinkFloydspokeforitself.Itdidn’tgoaswellasI’dhopeditwould;Bob’screativeinputforthesongwastooproduced.Hehadtoomanythingsgoingonatonce,usinguptoomanytracks;theendresultsoundedtoocongestedandtoocomplexforwhatwesawasasimplesongfromafairlysimplerock-and-rollband.

WethendecidedtorecordatrackwithJoshAbraham,whomallofusknew.Hewasrelativelynewonthescene;hisbigclaimtofamewasproducingtheStaindrecord,whichwasabighit.AtleastIwasfamiliarwithitandatthetimehewasworkingonthenewCourtneyLoverecord.Wedidatesttrackofanewsongcalled“Headspace”withhimatNRGStudiosinNorthHollywood.Thetracksoundedgood,thedrumsandguitarsandvocalssoundedgood.Itwasenoughforustodecidetodotherestofthealbumwithhim.

AtthatpointthewordwasoutaboutVelvetRevolverandweweregettingalotofinterestfromallofthemajorlabels,althoughthereweren’tthatmanyleftatthatparticulartime.TherewasChrysalis,Elektra,RCA,andWarner’s,andtheywereallinterested.IntheendwewentwithRCA.

Butfirstwedidthewholewine-and-dinefree-lunchshuffleoutinNewYorkforaweekorso.Itwasn’thardtodecidewhowe’dgowithonceCliveDavisgotonaplanewithhisA&Rguy,AshleyNewton,tocomeseeusrehearseinTolucaLake.Itwasagreatshowofintegrityandsolidarityconsideringthesetting.Theysatinaroomthatwasabouttwentyfeetdeep,withapooltableseparatingthemfromusandallofourampsrightintheirface.Theysatthroughfivesongslikethat.Theywantedtogetpastthehypethatnowsurroundedthebandandseeusplayinournaturalhabitat.

“Thatwasgreat,reallygreat,”Clivesaidwhenweweredone.“Thankyou.”

Theyloved“Slither”and“FalltoPieces,”andprettymuchafterthat,ourmindwasmadeup.WewentwithRCA.

AfterpreproductionwithJoshatLavish,wemovedovertoNRGtodothebasictracks.Coincidentallyinthestudionextdoor,DeanandRobertfromSTPwereworkingonsomenewstuff,onceagain,rightnextdoortous.Thistimetheywereunavoidable;theywereliterallyinthenextroomandwesharedalounge.ItwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeScottranintothemnomatterwhatwedid,butitwascool.They’dgottenoverit;DeansatdownwithScottandIdon’tknowwhattheytalkedabout,butafterwardtherewerenohardfeelings.Scottevenplayedhimourdemos,allofushungout,anditwasallokay.ThatwasthefirsttimeImetDean,andI’veseenbothofthoseguysaroundsincethenandit’sbeennothingbutfine—bothofthemarereallygoodguys.

WHENITCAMETORECORDINGMYguitarpartsforthealbum,Iwantedtogointoasmallerstudiotosavethebandsomemoney,soJoshsuggestedthatwedothemathisstudioonthesouthcornerofHighlandandSunsetboulevards;itiswhereJimiHendrixrecordedAxis:BoldasLove.Iwalkedinandtheplacewasjustabitfunky:badshagcarpet,anoldpaintjob,cockroaches…stufflikethat.IgotintothestudiowithJoshandtherewasareallynicemixingboard,butIlookedupandnoticedthattherewerejusttwosmallYamahaAS-10studiomonitorsforspeakers,whicharegreatforlisteningtostuffback,butIrecordmyguitarinthestudiobyplacingmyampsinthemainroom,wherethemicrophonesare,andplayinginthecontrolroom,wheretheproducerandthemixingboardare.IdothismostlybecauseIcan’tstandheadphones.Thissetupwasnotgoingtoworkatallformypurposes.Upuntilthen,asarule,I’drecordedthebasictracksliveasscratch-guitartracksandredonetheminthecontrolroomatmegadecibellevelssothatitfeltlikeanactualconcertwhenItrulylaidthemdown.ThemonitorspeakersaremyreferencepointsastowhatIamrecording,sotheyneedtobebigandtheyneedtobeloud.Thepairinfrontofmeweren’tgoingtocutit.

“Soisthishowyourecordguitars?”IaskedJosh.

“Well…yeah,usuallythesestudiomonitorsareenough.”

“I’veneverplayedthatwayandIcantellyourightnowthatthey’renotgoingtobeloudenough.”

AtthatmomentIthoughtofwhatmywife,Perla,hadtoldmeoverandoveragain:Iliketodothingsthehardway.IcouldseethatIwasthrowingJoshandhiswholestudiosetupintoatailspin.Iwantedtoworkonthattendencyofmine,soratherthanmakeafussandinsistthatwebookanewstudioandperhapsanewproducer,Ichosetoadapt.

“Listen,justcallinsomebiggerspeakersandwe’llmakeitwork,”Isaid.Joshlookedgenuinelyrelieved.

Ican’tsaythatitwasapleasantexperience.Thestudioengineerskeptrentingusnewspeakersbutnoneofthemdidanacceptablejob.That’snottrue—theygotexactlytherightsetontheverylastdayofrecording.Intheend,Iwassatisfiedwithmyworkonourdebutrecord,butwhenIlookbackonitnow,itwasaveryuncomfortable,confiningsessionforme.Allinall,myplayingisprettyreservedonthatrecord,whichiswhytherearen’tasmanysolosastherecouldhavebeen.IfelttoorestrictedtoimprovisethewayIusuallydo.

IthinkDavegotalotmoreoutofthedigitalstudiosetupthanIdidwhenhecameintodohisparts.Hedidgreat;headdedallofthesesoundtexturesthatreallymadetheguitarscomplete.

AtthetimeScotthadbeencourt-orderedtostayinahalfwayhouse,asentencethatresultedfromhisarrest.He’dcomeinanddohisvocalsandthengorightback.Hewasonlyallowedtoworkforthreehoursaday.

DUFFANDIWENTTONEWYORKCITYtositinonthemixingsessionswithGeorgeMarinoengineeringandthenContrabandwasfinished.Ihadmyfirstdrinkinoverayearthatnight.IremainedprettyquietaboutmyfeelingsontheGN’R/AxlsituationupuntilDuffandIdidapromotoursupportingthereleaseofVelvetRevolver’sfirstCD.Atthatpoint,Ihadn’tgonepublicaboutwhathadtranspiredbetweenAxlandme,andIhadn’tplannedongoingthere.ButthemediawantedtoknowmythoughtsonthesubjectandIcouldn’thelpit.Ihadnothingpleasanttosay.Itwasasiftheyhadtouchedarawnerve,andsuddenlyeverythingthatcameoutofmymouthwasbitterandspiteful—thecompleteantithesisofhowIreallywantedtoreact.WhenGN’RandIpartedways,Ihadhonestlywantedtostaylow-keyandneverbickerinthepress,mostlybecausesomanyartistsbeforemehadgonethatrouteandIthoughtitdistasteful.ButhereIwas,putinacornerwithpressineverydirection,hungrilylookingfor

controversyandproddingthatrawnerve.Icouldn’tcontrolmyresponses.EverythingIsaidaboutAxlwasnegative;itwasalmostemotional.This,ofcourse,pissedoffAxlandwasdefinitelythecatalystforrantagainstmeinhis2005pressrelease,nottomentioncomplicatingtheGN’Rlawsuitevenfurther.

WhiletheCDwasbeingpackaged,DuffandIwentonapresstourtopromoteitinEuropeandJapanforafewweeks.Thebandwentontheroadbeforeitevencameout.OurfirstgigwasinKansas,andfromtherewehiteverycityinjustabouteverystate.WemanagedtogenerateenoughbuzzthatwhenthealbumwasreleasedinJune2004,itwenttonumberoneinitssecondweek.WewereinVegasforashowwhenClivecalledustoletusknowthatwe’dhitthetopofthecharts,andIhavetosaythatafterallI’dseenandallI’ddone,gettingacallfromthelegendaryCliveDaviswithnewslikethatgavemegoosebumps:itwasanarrival,inmybook.Thatwasthestartofatourthatseemedtokeepgoingandgoing,buildingmomentumthelongeritwenton.Allinallweremainedontheroadfornineteenmonths,playingeverythingfromclubstofestivalstostadiums.

Thebandplayedtocrowdsofthousandsaroundtheworldandourrecordsoldthreemillioncopiesworldwide.Weworkedhardonthattour;we’doftenplayfivenightsaweek,adifferentcityeverynight.Wediditallonabus,inclosequarters.WedidLive8,wedidtheDonningtonFestival,weputoutthreevideosonthatrecord.Itwasprettysuccessful;suddenlywewereonceagaininamajorband.

OurlastgigwasinOrlando,theneveryonewenthomeandresumedtheirlives.Andoncewedid,wegotintoallkindsofshit.Therewererumorsthatwewerebreakingup,therewererumorsthatallofuswerebackondrugsandonthevergeofself-destruction,andtoomanymorerumorstoname.

I,FORONE,YETAGAIN,DIDHAVEAveryhardtimereadjustingtobeinghome.WhenwewerewritingContra-band,waybeforewewentinandrecordedallofit,mysonLondonwasborninAugust2002.IhadgonewithPerlatogetherultrasoundandatthetimeIwasstillgettingmyheadaroundthefactthatIhadachildontheway—obviouslythiswasgoingtobeanewexperienceforme.Thatsaid,onceIknewonewascoming,IthoughtIwantedalittlegirl,figuringshe’dbejustlikehermomandtheywouldbeinseparable,anotionthatfurtherfedmydenialaboutmyinescapablenewresponsibilities.

ThatwasmylittleidyllicvisionoffatherhooduntilIrealizedsomethingI’dbeenignoring:Ihaveahardenoughtimewithgrownwomen,forgetaboutlittleones.Adaughterwouldprobablybemyundoing.IbreathedasighofreliefwhenPerladeliveredabeautiful,healthynine-poundbabyboy.WenamedhimLondonnotonlybecausehewasconceivedintheU.K.butbecauseI’dhadafriendwiththatnameingradeschoolandneverforgothowcoolIthoughtitwas.

Ididn’thaveanyexperienceraisingchildren,obviously,butIdidgetsometraining.Perlafeltanoverwhelmingrushofthematernalinstinctwhenshegotpregnant,andonedayshebroughthomeaPomeranianpuppyfromthepetstore.Thedogimmediatelybecamemyresponsibility,especiallyoncePerlawasorderedtoafewmonthsofbedrest.Iwasforcedtoraisethisdogandthatwasmypreparationforfatherhood.ItwastheonlyexperienceI’dhadraisinganything,becauseonethingisforsure—havingcatsandsnakesdoesn’treallycount.Allthingsconsidered,ImusthavedonesomethingrightbecauseourdogwasverywellbehavedbythetimeLondonwasborn.

Havingachildforcedmetobepresent;itinsistedthatIhonormysobriety.WhenIwasn’twithVelvetRevolver,Iwashomewithmywife,raisingourson.Iwasthedad,assemblingthenursery,shoppingfortoys,puttingtogethertheelectricmobilesets.AndthenPerlagotpregnantagain.Wefoundoutthatitwasanotherboy,andIbreathedanothersighofrelief.Ournewbabywasabreechaswell,thoughthecomplicationsdidn’tdevelopuntillateroninherterm.ItwasroughonPerlaonceagain.

Iwasontourwhenmysecondsonwasdelivered.ImanagedtoflyhomeregularlytovisitPerlainthehospital,butthedaythatmysecondsonwastobedeliveredIhadashowthenightbefore.IhadtoflyfromthehospitaltoAtlanticCityonared-eyethenflyhomeonared-eyetobethereintimeforhisbirththenextmorning.ImissedmyflightbacktoL.A.andwasluckyenoughtogetanotherone.TheyhadtoholdupPerla’sC-sectionuntilIgotthere.Iwentrighttothehospitalandarrivedjustbeforehewasborn.IspentthatnightandthenextmorningwithPerlaandmyperfectnewlittleeight-poundbabyboy,thenIflewbackoutandmetthebandatthenextgig.Suchisthelifemytwosonshavebeenborninto.

Wedidn’tknowwhattonameoursecondsonuntilwerememberedwhatourgoodfriendmoviemogulRobertEvanstoldusweshouldnameourfirstson.Asusual,hehadastrongopinionthatIcouldn’tdeny.

“Givehimthecoolestnamethatamancouldeverhave,”hetoldusinthatsignaturebaritone.“NamehimCash.”

“Robert,it’stoolate,”Isaid.“We’vealreadynamedhimLondon.”

“Allright.Butifyougetasecondchance,”hesaid,“dotherightthing.”

ThefamilyHudson:Slash,London,Perla,andCashonaDisneycruisein2006wheretheywereundoubtedlythelocaloutcasts.

Afteraveryshortperiodofdeliberation,wedecidedthathewasright.AndsooursecondsonisnamedCash.

AFTERTWOYEARSATTHEFEVERPITCHthatisnonstoptouring,Iwasonceagaindroppedintotherealworld,andasfamiliarasIwaswiththecondition,ithadn’tgottenanyeasiertobear—ifanything,ithadbecomeaharderadjustmenttomake.Whenallyoucareaboutisthegrindofgoingfromgigtogig,whenthenextshowistheonlythingyou’relookingforwardtoforanextendedperiodoftime,whenroomserviceandyourhotelroomareyourreward,youexistinaverystylizedmodeofliving.

Home,nomatterwhoyouare,isnothinglikethat.Whenyouarehomeyouhavetogetoffofyourassanddothingsyourself;whenyouarehomeyoubecomeasnormalasyou’lleverbebecauseyouhavetorelyonyourownfaculties.Inthepast,I’dreliedonboozeanddrugstooffsetthattransitionandmakeitabiteasiertotakeintheshortrun.Onceyouhavekids,ifyouintendtobeadependableparentatall,thatoptiongoesoutthewindow:whenyoucomeofftheroadandyou’reaparent,yougethomeandyouhavetodeal.Yougofromasituationwhereyou’retakencareoftoonewhereyou’retakingcareof.

Itwasn’teasyoneitherPerlaormewhenIgothome.Ihadstarteddrinkingwine—alotofwine—ontour,andshe’dbeenwatchingmeslipintomyoldwaysonceagain.Forwhateverreason,whenshecametovisitmeontour,Ichosethatdaytositatthebardrinking,undertheguiseofwaitingthereforher.AllthatIaccomplishedwasgettingmyselfsmashedtothepointthatIwasuselesswhenshefinallyarrived.I’dsayhelloandgopassout.Sowehadsomeissuestodealwith.

WhenVelvetRevolvergotsigned,gotouralbumtogether,andsetaboutpreparingtotour,weunderwentachangeinmanagementthatIdidn’tagreewithatall.Thiseventuallyledmetofindmyownmanagerseparatefromtheband.Thatsoundedlikealogicalsolutiontome,butallthatitdidinrealitywasalienatemefromtheotherguysandcauseagreatdegreeofanimosityamongusandamongthemanagementteamswheneverabusinessarrangementcameup.Thissituationaddedanextralevelofstressthattwoyearsontheroaddidnothingbutescalate.Thetensionneveraffectedourchemistryonstageorcreatively,butonaday-to-dayinterpersonallevel,thingsweretouchy,andbytheendofthetour,everyonewasatoneanother’sthroats.Istandbymydecision,butIunderstandnowthatitmademethepainintheassofthebandintheotherguys’eyes.IgetwhyIdrovethemnuts.

ItwasaroundthistimethatAxlchosetosendoutapressreleasethatdidnothingbutaddfueltothefire.It’sbeenwidelydocumented,soIwon’tdoitjusticebygoingintoitall,butinshort,AxlreleasedastatementclaimingthatI’dcomebyhishouse,extremelycoherent,earlyonemorningtoaskhimtopleasesettlethelawsuitbetweenusthathadbeenongoingforyearsatthispoint.ItalsoclaimedthatheandItalkedforawhileandthatIhadnothingbutdisparagingcommentstomakeaboutScottWeilandandeveryoneelseinmyband.

Thetruthis,Ihaven’tspokenawordtoAxlpersonallysinceIleftthebandin1996.It’ssadbuttrue.IdidgobyhishouseonenightbutIwasdrunk—Perlawasn’tandshewasdriving.Iwalkeduptothedooranddeliveredanotethatreadsomethinglike“Let’sworkthisout.Callme.—Slash.”ButIdidn’tgiveittoAxl,Igaveittohisassistant.

Inanycase,Axlreleasedhisstatement,anditwasabigdealinthepressbecauseitwasthefirsttimeAxlhadgonepublicwithhisopinionaboutme,thelawsuit,oranythinglikethat.

AsI’vesaid,thisincidentwaswidelyreportedinthepressandontheInternetandanyonewhoisinterestedcangoreadallaboutitiftheysochoose.

Thefactofthematteris,thisincidentandtheresultingnegativeeffectithadonVelvetRevolverwasveryunsettlingtome;Icanbarelyeventalkaboutitstill,letalonere-createitindetailhere.IthoughtIwasgoingtoseeeverythingI’djustfinallygottentogetherfallapart.

Firstthingsfirst;thelawsuitwasanightmarethathadgoneontoolong.Forfearoffurtherlitigation,theeasiestwaytoexplainitistosaythatsince2001wewereinvolvedinalawsuitovertherightsandprofitsstemmingfromlicensingandmerchandise.Itwasatypicalbroken-up-bandslitigationwhereonepartycomplainsofunderpaymentbyanotherparty.Theroadofrockandrollislitteredwiththatkindofshit.

ButwhathurtthemostwasthatIhadtodefendmyselftomyband.Ishowedupandinsistedthatwhatwasallegedwasn’ttrue,butthewaythatAxlhadwrittenthisthingmadeitsoundsomatter-of-factthateveryoneseemedtothinkitwas.

Theguyswereverydubiousaboutacceptingmystory.AtthesametimeIwasverysincereabouttellingthemthetruth.AtfirstIthoughtIshouldrespondpublically,andtoldmybandIwould,butlaterdecideditwouldonlycomplicatetheissueandprolongit.

Iwasn’tsurewhattodo;Istillwantedtoproceed—mycredibilitywasridingonit.WehadabandmeetingafewdayslaterandScottdidn’tshow;itwasobvioustomethatsinceIhadn’tmadeamove,I’dlethimdown.

ThenScottreleasedhisownrebuttal.HeattackedAxloneverylevel.Andmyinstinctualreactionwasn’t“you’reright,”itwas“youcan’ttalkshitaboutAxl!”IcantalkshitaboutAxl,IcantalkshitaboutAxlalldayifIwantto—that’sbecauseI’vehadtodealwithhimforyears.ButneitherScottnoranyoneelsehasthatright.

TensionsinthebandescalatedasaresultandIgotmygearoutofMattSorum’shomestudio,wherewe’dbeenwritingandrehearsing.

WordonthestreetwasthatI’dquitVelvetRevolvertorejoinGunsN’Roses.Idon’tknowwhostartedthatrumorbutithadlegslongenoughthatit

causedanexhaustinginternalbattle.Themediatookaparticularlikingtothatstory:thatSlashhadditchedhisformerGunsbandmatestorejoinAxlinwhateverhisideaofGunsN’Roseswasgoingtobe.AtthatpointIthinkChineseDemocracywasstillthoughttobeonthewayanyyearnow.

ItlookedlikewhatIwasdoingwasafact,butforthefactthatIwasn’tdoingit.IfyoupickedupanymusicpaperaroundthattimeorlistenedtotheradioorcheckedoutblogsontheInternet,therewasnoavoidingit.Itwasetchedinstone:I’dleftVelvetRevolver,IwasgoingbacktoGuns.Therealitywasthatneitherhappened:duringthosefewmonthsIwasjustathome,recordingmusicalideasonmydigitalsixteen-track.

Itliterallywasawaitinggame:ittookallofusawhiletogetpastallofthatbullshit.Finally,whenitallwentaway,wegotbacktowork.IjustwentovertoMatt’shouseonedaylikenothinghadeverhappened.

“Listen,man,”Isaid.“Allofthatwasridiculousandallofthisisridiculous.CanItellyouwhatreallyhappened?”

“Yeah,man.”

Isaidmypiece,relatingthestoryonceagainasithadgonedown.Clearly,timehadproventhatIhadhadnoreunionwithAxlandthatIwasn’trejoiningGunsN’Roses—becausenothinghadhappened!Thatfactseemedtoconvincetheguysthatmyversionofeventswasthetruth.IneverfeltthatI’dneededtoexplainmyselftothoseguys,butIhad,whichalwayspissedmeoff.ButIgotoveritandsodidthey.AfterIhadaone-on-onewithMatt,IhadonewithKirschnerandthenDuffandScott.Allinall,itwascompletelyunnecessarydrama,whetheritwasunsaidornot.Ijustdidn’thavethetimeforit.Butwegotthroughit.Andwe’reallbetterforittoday.

THEBANDFINALLYGOTTOGETHERANDstartedrehearsingatMatt’shouse,inhisrecordingstudioinhisgarage.Everybodywasgettingalongagainandwestartedtoworkonnewmaterialforournextrecord.ItwasatthistimethatItoremyrotatorcuffworkingoutinthegymandwenttoseeadoctor.HeprescribedafewtheraputicexercisesandgavemeabottleofVicodin.IknewdamnwellwhatVicodinwasandwhateffectithasonme,butintheformofaprescriptionfrommydoctor,itallseemedokayandactuallynecessary.ItooktheVicodinas

instructed,oneeveryfourhours.Itsoonbecametwoeveryfourhours,thenoneeveryhour,thenoneeveryfifteenminutes—that’sjustthewayitworkswithme.

Notonlywasmybandsituationinjeopardy,PerlaandIwereatoddslikeneverbefore.IwasheadingonewaywiththeVicodinandshewasheadinganotherway:afterthebirthofoursecondson,Perlawantedtolosealltheweightshe’dgainedhavingchildren,andindoingsogotaddictedtoprescriptiondietpills.Dietpillsarebasicallyagourmetformofspeedandshe’dbeentakingthemlongenoughindiscriminatelythatithadalteredherpersonality.Shewasalreadyasuperattentive,superassertivepersonwhowasalwaysafewstepsaheadofme.Addingspeedofanykindtothatequationaccentuatedthosetraitstothepointthatshebecametoointenseformetodealwith.

Ourinteractionsweregettingincreasinglyagitated,soIwenttoLasVegastotakepartinVH1’sRockHonorsin2006,where,alongwithmybuddyTommyLee,wedidasetofKisssongs.WhileIwasthereImetupwithmyOxy-connectedfriendandgotmorepillsthanIcouldhandle.Myfriendhadbeatencancerbutintheinterimhe’dallegedlygottenintoanear-lethalcaraccidentandhadanewlyunendingprescriptionforthem.Whensomeonetellsyoutheyhaveaprescriptionlikethat,youdon’taskquestions.

BythenI’dgottenfamiliarenoughwiththedrugthatIwonderedwhatwouldhappenifIcrushedthemup,liquefiedthem,andmeltedthemdowntoinject.Iwasquitepleasedtodiscoverthatitworked.IhadagreattimeinVegas;itwastheperfectplacetofacethefactthatthat’swhereIwasheading.IstayedthereforafewdaysmorethanIneededto.Ijustgothigh.Iwasjustchipping;Ididn’thaveahabit.(Chippingisahereandthererelationshipwithsmack.)

Icamebacktomyhomeandasmyrelationshipwentfurtherdownhill,Iwasself-medicating;IhadastashofVicodinandOxyContin.PerlaandIsplitupabruptly;wewereapartforaday:Iwenttoahoteloutneartheairport.IpackedupourHummerwithmyclothesandmycatandinmymindIwasn’tevercomingback.Iwasn’tatallasaint,butIcouldn’thandlewhereshewasat.Itoldherthatsheneededtogotorehab.

Sheagreed.“IfI’mgoingin,takecareofthekids”wasthelastthingshesaidtome.

WHILEPERLAWASINREHABITGOTbad—ournannytookcareofthekidswhileImaintaininedahealthyOxyhabit.IfoundanL.A.connectionandboughtaboutathree-monthsupply.AndwhileIdidn’tdoiteveryday,eventuallyIdiditeverynight.IkeptitfromthebandlikeIkeptitfrommyfamily.Buttheneventuallyitcreptin:I’ddoashotbeforerehearsal.I’dpursuedthecreativevibewiththebandinaclearmentalstate,buteventuallythereIwasagain…foggy.ItwassooutofhandthatIwasshootingupinMatt’sbathroom,anditwasobvioustoeveryonethatIwashigh.Allthesame,noonesaidaword,atleastforawhile,anditsaysalotaboutourcollectivetolerance.Iwasn’teventryingtohidemyhabitfromabandofguyswho’dhadtheirshareofproblemsandasingerwhostillhadhis.IwassoobnoxiousaboutitthatMattevenfoundbloodonthewall.Ifmynoddingoutatrehearsaldidn’tgiveitaway,thatsurelydid.

Slashandhisboys.

Wekeptonkeepingon,notreallygoingforward,justkindofwritingandcreativelytreadingwater.IaccompaniedMatttoaCampFreddygiginVegas,notsomuchtoseetheshowastohookupwithmyOxyconnectionandstockup.IthoughtIknewwhatIwasdoingbutIdon’tthinkI’drealizedhowquicklyI’dbecomethedarkhorse.Irememberbeingbackstageatthatshow:everyone

wouldgetquietwhenIwalkedintotheroom.ItwasstartingtobelikethatwhereverIwent.

MymanageratthattimeandnowisCarlStubner,andwhileIwasinVegashecalledme.Wetalkedaboutafewthings,andthoughIdidn’trealizeitinthemoment,hewaslisteningcarefully,tryingtogaugewhereIwasat.Idon’trememberwhatIwastalkingaboutbutsuddenlyheinterruptedme.

“Hey,”hesaid.“Behonestwithme.Areyouokay?”

“Yeah,yeah,man,”Isaid,lying.“I’mfine.Why?”

“Listentome…I’mnotgoingtotellyouhowtoliveyourlifeandI’mnotheretobeacop.Ijustwanttoknowifyou’reokay.Becauseifyou’renot,Iamhereforyou.Butyouhavetobehonestwithme.”

“I’mfine,really…Yeah,I’mfine.”

Ididthegig,Imetmydrugbuddy,IcamehometoL.A.andknewIwastoofuckeduptobearoundPerla,whohadcomehomeentirelycleanandsober,letalonebearoundourchildren.Ididtheonlythingthatmadesensetome:IcheckedmyselfintoaWestHollywoodhotel,andIscheduledthedaythatIwouldcheckmyselfintorehab.UntilthatmorningIintendedtofinishupthedrugsI’dboughtrightthereinmyroomorwherevertheymightleadme.Perlaandeveryoneelsewasworriedaboutme.Butshewaspatientandtolerantandthatiswhyweloveeachotherthewaywedo.

Iwasn’tfine.ButIwasalmostreadytoadmitit.Iknewthatmydebaucheryneededtoend.IhadplannedtogetsomespacefrommywifeandfrommybandafterI’dallowedmyselfthosepredeterminedfourmonthstoletitallhangout;IknewIwasinneedofsomesolaceandquiet.AndIgotit.Thistimerehabturnedouttobereallygoodforme,becausethistimeIsurrendered.FirstIkickedthedrugs,thenIclearedmyheadanddidsomeworkonfiguringoutwhyIlikedtoputmyselfinthesamepositionoverandoveragain.EarlyinthemorningofJuly3,2006,Icheckedintorehab.Ididafullthirtydays,Ifullysurrendered…IlearnedmoreaboutmyselfthanIhadeverthoughtwaspossible.Andasofthiswriting,I’vebeensobereversince.

ONCEIWASBACKONTRACK,THEBANDgotbackontrackandwegotdowntorecordingandwritingoursecondrecord,Libertad.Itwasadifferentexperience;weweredifferentpeopleexploringnewideas,unitedbyourcamaraderie.Therewasafreedomtothewholethingthatwasrefreshing;itwasasifwe’dtrulygrown,ormaybejustgrowncomfortablewithwhoweareasaband.

We’dstartedworkingwithRickRubinbackbeforeIgotsober;actuallyIbelieveitwasbeforeandaftermyOxybinge.Wewereexcitedtodosoforobviousreasons—Rick’strackrecordislegendary.Butitdidn’treallyworkout:Rickhashismethods;hehashiscrewtheretodotheproducingandengineeringandeveryfewdayshepopsintoseehowit’sgoing.Usuallyhe’sgotafewbandssetuplikethataroundtown.

Thatreallydidn’tworkforus.Rickwouldlistentoabitofwhatweweredoingandtellustotakeonepartofasongandcombineitwithsomethingelsethathe’dheardthatheliked.Wealsogotjealousofthefactthathewasspreadinghisfocusaround,doingfouralbumsatonce.Itfeltlikehewasalwaysleavingustoseeanotheroneofhisconcubines,andwhenhewastherewedidn’treallyconnect—hesatbackandletusgo.Underthoseconditionsitfeltlikethisrecordwouldtakeusayearormoretocomplete.

WebrokeitoffwithRickandmovedouroperationtoScott’sstudio,Lavish.ScottsuggestedthatwegiveitagowithBrendanO’Brien,whohaddonemostofSTP’srecords.I’donlyknownhiminthatcapacity.IlikedhimwellenoughwhenItalkedtohimonthephoneandsowehadhimcomeinandeverythingjustseemedtofallintoplace.Brendanlikedworkingfastandhardandheinsistedthateverymemberofthebandbepresentforeverysession.IthinkthatisoneofthebestpiecesofadviceIcouldevergivetoanyband.

Ifoneofusdidn’tshowupontime,Brendanrefusedtoworkuntileveryonewaspresent,whichbothwhippedusintoshapeprettygoodandmotivatedustobethere.Buthebroughtmorethanjustdisciplinetotheequation,hebroughtamusicalitythatstemsfromthefactthatheplaysguitar,bass,anddrums.Atanygivenmomenthecouldplayalongwithusanditreallyhelpedtheprocess.Withsomeonethatinformed,weprogressedveryquickly.

OURSESSIONSWERECONSISTENT;EVERYONEwasthere,everyonecontributed,andeveryoneappreciatedwhateachplayerwasdoing.Ididn’tthinkitwaspossible,

butthechemistrythatcameoutofthatmutualparticipationsurpassedthefirstGunssessions.Everyonewassoinspiredandeverythingwedid,everyexperimenteven,wasverymusical.Wewereplayinggreat,Scottwassinginggreat,andwhatweendedupusingasthefinaltracksonthealbumwere,forthemostpart,thefirstorsecondlivetakesofeachsong.Thatrecordiswhathappenswhenyoupairareallygoodrock-and-rollbandwholoveswhatthey’redoingwithaproducerwhoreallyunderstandsthemandknowsexactlywhathe’sdoing.

EverydayI’mgladIfoundthestrengthtotakethehighroad.

PERLAANDIAREBOTHALLCLEANEDupnowandwe’rereallyhappy.July2007willbemyone-yearanniversary,andI’vegottenmoredonethispastyearthaninthetwoyearsbeforethatcombined.Youonlygetsomanykarmic“GetOutofJailFree”passes;you’reboundtorunouteventually.SofarI’vebeenextremelylucky,soI’mnottakinganymorechances.Ajunkiehasonlytwooptions,andI’vegotalonglistoffriendsonbothsidesofthefence.Theycangetcleanortheycangetdead,andeverydayI’mgladIfoundthestrengthtotakethehighroad.

Copyright

SLASH.Copyright©2007byDikHayd International,LLC.All rights reservedunder International andPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions.Bypaymentof the required fees,youhavebeengranted thenon-exclusive,non-transferableright toaccessandread the textof thise-bookon-screen.Nopartof this textmaybereproduced, transmitted,down-loaded,decompiled,reverseengineered,orstoredinor introducedinto any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by anymeans, whether electronic ormechanical,nowknownorhereinafterinvented,withouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofHarperCollinse-books.

ePubeditionOctober2007ISBN9780061752353

10987654321

Credits

JacketDesignbyJamesL.Iacobelli

FrontJacketIllustrationbyShawnKenney/MichaelRotondo

IfMemoryServes

I’vebeenaskedmorethanafewtimeswhyIdecidedtodothisbookatallandhere’swhy:AfewpeoplewhoknowmewellkepttellingmethatIshoulddoit—andfinallyIagreedwiththem.Iwasveryreluctanttosharemylifeinanyway,particularlyinamediumopentopublicconsumption,mostofallbecauseIregardedamemoirassomethingyoudowhenyou’vegotnocareerlefttospeakof.Thatisn’tthecaseforme,andevenifitwere,Iwouldn’thavemuchinterestinthat.It’snotnaturaltoregardyourlifeobjectively,butonceIdid,Irealizedthatmystoryupuntilnowmadeforsomethingprettyentertaining.IalsorealizedthatifIdidn’tgetitalldownnow,therewasaverygoodchancethatI’dforgetitall.IntheendIrealizedthatthisbookwouldserveanotherpurpose:itwouldputoneeraofmycareertorestandsignifythestartoftherestofit.

I’dliketomakeonemorethingprettyclear,becausethisisanotherquestionthathauntsmealmosteveryday,usuallybecauseit’saskedbypeoplewhodon’tknowmeatall.I’dliketostate,verysimplyoncemorewhyIchosenottocontinueonwithGunsN’Rosessothatnoonefeelstheneedtoaskmethiseveragainwhentheyseemeonthestreet.Hereitgoes:1)theconstantdisrespectforallinvolvedbygoingonlatefornogoodreasonnightafternightafternight,2)thelegalmanipulationthatAxlforcedonus,fromdemandingownershipofthenametodowngradingus,contractually,tohiredhands,and3)losingIzzyandSteven,whoweresuchanintegralpartoftheband’ssoundandpersonality…withoutthem,thebandnolongerhaditsoriginalchemistry.

Mydeparturehadnothingtodowithartisticdifferences,asmanypeopleclaimtoknow.Itwasnotassimpleas“AxlwantedsynthsandSlashwasold-school.”IthadnothingtodowithAxlwantingtogodigitalandSlashstayinganalog.Tothinkthatdissolvingthekindofbandandthekindofmusicalchemistrywehadoversomethingsotrivialisjustasinine.It’strue,Iamold-school,andIdolikekeepingitsimple—butI’veneverbeenclose-minded.Ifanything,Iwasmorethanflexibleandwillingtotryanykindofrecordingtechniqueorexploreanynewsound,solongasIwasdoingsoonanequalplayingfieldwithmusiciansthatworkedtogethertowardacommongoal.IwouldhavehungintherewithAxlthroughanindustrialrecordorwhateverelsehewantedtotryifthecreativevibebetweenuswaspositive.Myflexibilityis

theonlythingthatkeptmeinthebandaslongasitdid—that’showateamworks.Unfortunately,westoppedbeingateamsomewherealongtheway.

Asfortherestofhowitallplayedout,Ilearned,lookingbackonitall,thatthepeopleAxlhiredto“representhisinterests”throughalloftheband’sundoingcouldhavebeenabitsmarterthantheywere.Maybeintelligencehasnothingtodowithit:hadtheycaredenoughabouthimandaboutGunsN’Rosesasabandtohaveadvisedhimtopursueanyotherpaththantheonehedidthisstorymayhavehadadifferentending.AnyonecouldhaveforeseenthelackofpositiveoutcomethatlayaheadontheroadAxlchosetogodown.Butthenagain,maybethatishowhewantedit

MYBESTFRIENDMARCCANTERISputtingoutabookthatisthevisualaccompanimenttoallthatyoureadhere.Here’saguywhowaybackwhenIwaslivingatmymom’shouse,beforejuniorhigh,alwayshadanInstamaticinhishandandwassnappingpictures.Marccametoasmanyofmygigsinhighschool,inHollywood,andonceIwasinGunsashecouldpossiblygetto.Hisever-presentcamerawasjustpartofMarc.Ineverthoughtanythingofitandneverthoughtthatanyofthosepictureswouldeverbeseenagain.IneverthoughtthatasideeffectofthathobbyofhiswouldbeaprettyextensiveandintimatechronologyofeverythingGunsN’Rosesdidpriorto1988.AllofitwasjustsittingaroundMarc’shousealltheseyears—untilnow.ItisnowabookofpicturescalledRecklessRoad.Ineverwouldhaveexpectedmychildhoodbuddytobecapableofsuchshots.

BEFOREIWRAPTHISTHINGUPIHAVEsomethingimportanttosayaboutmyparents.Intheretellingofmychildhood,Iemphasizedthenegativeoverthepositive,becausethenegativeaspectsofhowmyfamilyevolvedendedupinformingmydecisionsasakidmorethananyofthepositiveonesdid.ThenegativeiswhatexplainswhereIturnedinmyyouth.Butwhatwaslostinmyre-creationwashowmyparents’positiveinfluencestaughtmetobethepersonIam.

Myparentsweresuchaprominent,encouraginginfluenceonmeasachildduringtheyearswhenIstrovetofindoutwhoIwasgoingtobe.Icouldn’thaveaskedforbetterguidesbecausetheyare,truly,twoofthemostcreativepeoplethatI’veevermet—andatthispointI’vemetmany.Bothofthemareamazinglytalented,andthoughtheydidn’tultimatelyprovetobetherightmatchforeach

talented,andthoughtheydidn’tultimatelyprovetobetherightmatchforeachother,theydidseebeyondtheirdifferencestoraisetheirchildreninauniqueandinformedfashion.Thewaytheybroughtmybrotherandmeupwasunconventionalbutinfusedwithloveanddisciplinethatneverveeredintobeingoverlydomineering.

ILIVESOMUCHINTHEMOMENTTHATI’veneverdaydreamedaboutthefuturebeyondtomorrow.I’veneverrelatedtothosepeoplewhoplantheirlivesfiveyearsdowntheline.Asmuchasthosetypesthinktheyhavecontroloftheirreality,Ibegtodisagree,becausehowmuchcananyonereally“plan”whatisgoingtohappentothembeyondthenexttwenty-fourhours?ItsnotthatIdon’tcarewhathappensfiveyearsfromnow,itsjustthatthenexttwenty-fourhoursisthestepping-stonetogettingthere.

I’vefoundthatjustbeing,daytoday,justwaitingtoseewhatcomes,andgoingfromthereistheonlywaytogrow.It’sinformedhowI’vedealtwithVelvetRevolverinnothingbutthebestrespect:wehavecomesofarinsoshortatime.Wheneverwe’reonstage,it’satoncesofamiliarandexcitingthatitseemslikeourfirstshoweventhoughit’sourthousandth.I’mconsumedwithwhatwe’redoing,I’mproudoftherecordwemadeinLibertad,andIfeelthatwe’reinaplacewherewearejustnowcapableoftappingintowhatthisbandisreallycapableof.

Atthetimeofthiswriting,oursecondrecordisjustafewweeksold,butIcan’twaittoseewhereournextrecordisgoingtogo.We’relucky;westumbleduponsomethingthatisjustbeginningtoevolveandit’sdoingsoinsuchapositiveway.Asthisbookcomestoaclose,VelvetRevolverisabouttoembarkonourfirstheadliningtourofarenasandsheds.Wegottothatlevelbytheendofourtwo-yearpromotionofContraband,butthisisdifferent:we’restartingwhereweended,andfromtherewecanonlybuildabiggerbeast.

I’mhappierthanI’veeverbeenmusically.Thisbandwritescreative,earnest,complexrockandroll.It’snotquiteironic,butasfarasI’mconcerned,itsureisfunnythatIfoundmyfuturebyrevisitingmypast.Afterlookingaroundandignoringtheobvioussoastoavoidanythingthatseemedlikearevisitation,IendeduplockinginwiththeguysI’dspentthebetterpartofmycareerandmylifewith.Andoncewedid,thepastbecameanafterthought.Andthepresenthasbeenbetterthanithaseverbeen.

Asforthefuture,asidefromplayinginVelvetRevolver,atsomepointIwanttodoarecordwithalltheplayersI’veplayedwithandadmiredovertheyears.Ihavealistofthem,whichislong.Atthispoint,allthatIknowisthatIplantocallit“SlashandFriends.”I’mactuallylookingatmywishlistofcollaboratorsrightnowandno,I’mnotgoingtotellyouwhoisonit.

I’MHAPPYTOSAYTHATIKNOWFORAfactthatasofsummer2007,StevenAdlerisdoingbetter.I’vebeenhelpinghimhelphimselftogetoffofcrack,smack,andJägermeister,whichhasbeenacompoundaddictionthathasbeenruininghislifeforthepastquartercentury.CountingfrombeforehewasoustedfromGN’R,thisisthelongestthathe’severbeenclean.HehassomeprettygoodpeoplearoundhimnowandI’mhappytoreportthatheseemsgenuinelyhappy.

RonSchneider,mybassplayerinTidasSloan,isworkingwithStevenasatech/moralsupporter.It’sfunnyhowthingscomefullcircle,evenwhenyouthinkyourcirclehasexpandedinfinitesimally.Atthesametime,hearingaboutRon’ssituation,Icouldn’thelpbutrealizethatalmosteverybodythathungaroundalotwithGunsN’Rosesendedupbecomingajunkieatonetimeoranother.

WHENYOUREVIEWYOURLIFELIKETHIS,it’sstrange;therehavebeenpartsthatI’velookedatasifIwasn’tthere—I’vereadafewofthesestoriesasifforthefirsttime.Butmorethananythingyougainperspective;thiskindofexerciseisn’teasy,butinthelongrunit’sareallygoodidea.

It’sagoodthingtotrulyunderstandhowandwhyI’mthesameyetdifferentthanI’vealwaysbeen.It’sasifmypersonalityremainsbutmywisdomhasgrown.Ifthere’sonethingthatmademybullshitrecede,it’sfatherhood.TherealitythatIwasgoingtobesomeone’sdaddidn’tkickinuntilIfoundmyselfstaringattheassemblyinstructionsforacrib.We’djustfinishedpaintingourguestroomandthereIwashavingtoassemblethisthing.Therewasnogoingback.AndasmuchasIfreakedoutatthatmoment,afterthatIdidn’twanttogoback.IfanythingIrantowardit,notaway:Iletmyselfbeconsumedwithbabystuff,whichisgreat,becauseIenjoyit.

Allthingsconsidered,itcameverynaturally.OnceI’dgottenthecrib

together,Iknewitwasreal;Iknewthatweweregoingin.BythetimethatPerlaandLondonandIwerephotographedforthecoverofsomebabymagazinewhosenameIcan’tremember,Iwastotallyintoit.Thatphotoshootwasn’tthecoverofCreemorRollingStone,butIwasprettyexcited—we’dhitthebigtimeonthebabycircuit.AndIwasjustasproud.

Beingaparenthasitsmomentswhereyoufindyourselfdoingwhatyouaredoing,butwiththisnewlittlepersonwhohasintegratedthemselvesintoyourlifewho’sjust…there.Kidsbecomeapartofyoureverydayexistencesoinstinctuallyandsonaturallythatbeforeyouknowitthey’rethere…andyoucan’trememberwhatlifewaslikewhentheyweren’t.

MyboysarethreeandfiveandI’vestartedcatchingmyself,atleastonceortwiceaday,realizinghowfasttheyarechangingandgrowing.It’saconstantrealitycheck.Howcanitnotbe?Whenyourfour-year-oldstandsinfrontofyoudefiantlyandargueslikeyou’rebothequals,howcanyounotaskyourself“Isthishappening?AmInegotiatingwithafour-year-old?”Iwouldn’thaveitanyotherway:PerlaandImadebeautifulkids,andourpersonalitiesaresostronginthemthatit’sentertainingtous.Theyaredefinitelyaproductoftheirparents….Infactthey’reamirroroftheirparents:theyarebothdefiantyetsweet.

SlashandVelvetRevolverinSantaBarbara,September2007.

HavingConsideredAllThings

Itfeltlikeabaseballbattomychest,butoneswungfromtheinside.Clearbluespotslitupthecornersofmyvision.Itwasabrupt,bloodless,silentviolence.Nothingwasvisiblybroken,nothinghadchangedtothenakedeye,butthepainmademyworldstandstill.Ikeptplaying;Ifinishedthesong.Theaudiencedidn’tknowthatmyhearthaddoneasomersaultjustbeforethesolo.Mybodyhaddelivereditskarmicretribution;remindingme,onstage,ofhowmanytimesI’dintentionallyserveditupasimilarloop-de-loop.

Thejoltquicklybecameadullachethatalmostfeltgood.Inanycase,IfeltmorealivethanIhadamomentbefore,becauseIwasmorealive.Themachineinmyhearthadremindedmeofjusthowpreciousthislifeis.Itstimingwasimpeccable:withafullhouseinfrontofme,whileIplayedmyguitar,Igotthemessageloudandclear.Igotitafewtimesthatnight.AndIgotiteverytimeIwasonstagefortherestofthattour,thoughIneverknewwhenitwascoming.

Adoctorinstalledanimplantablecardioverter-defibrillatorinmyheartwhenIwasthirty-five.It’sathree-inch-longbattery-poweredgeneratorthatwasinsertedthroughanincisioninmyarmpit.Itconstantlymonitorsmyheartrate,deliveringelectroshockswhenevermyheartbeatstoodangerouslyfastorslow.Fifteenyearsofoverdrinkinganddrugabusehadswollenthatorgantoonebeatshortofexploding.WhenIwasfinallyhospitalized,IwastoldIhadsixweekstolive.It’sbeensixyearssincethenandthispieceofmachineryhassavedmylifemorethanafewtimes.I’veenjoyedaconvenientsideeffectthatthedoctordidnotintend:whenmyindulgenceshavecausedmyhearttobeattoodangerouslyslow,mydefibrillatorhaspoppedoff,keepingdeathfrommydoorforonemoreday.Italsoshocksmyheartintosubmissionwhenitbeatsfastenoughtocourtcardiacarrest.

It’sagoodthingIgotitadjustedbeforethefirstVelvetRevolvertour.Ididthatonesoberforthemostpart;soberenoughthattheexcitementofplayingwithabandIbelievedintofanswhobelievedinusmovedmetomycore.Ihadn’tbeenthatinspiredinyears.Iranalloverthestage;Ibaskedinourcollectiveenergy.Myheartracedwithexcitementhardenoughtotriggerthemachineinsidemeonstageeverynight.Itwasn’tpleasantbutIbegantowelcomethosereminders.Isawthemforwhattheywere.Strangemomentsofalienatedclarity,momentsoutoftimethatencapsulatedalife’sworthofhard-wonwisdom.

PhotographicInsert

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

1971,agesix.

PhotographbyOlaHudson

Slash’selementary-schoolphotos.

CourtesyofOlaHudson

Slashwasroughhousingthatday;hewasbeingdifficultforsomereason.

PhotographbyOlaHudson

AtthebiketrackinReseda,practicing.TheblondkidisChris,JeffGriffin’syoungerbrother.Hethinkshe’sbeatingSlash,butSlashhastheinsidelane.

PhotographbyOlaHudson

Slashandhismom,Ola.

PhotographbyPerlaHudson

SlashandAxlonstage,July1988.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

Guns,circa1987

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

Guns,circa1992.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

GilbyClarke,Duff,andSlashontheUseYourIllusionstour.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

Duff,Izzy,Matt,andSlashatMatesrehearsalstudio,jammingpre–VelvetRevolver.Theymayormaynothavebeenworkingonasongcalled“Snafu.”

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

DuffandSlash.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

SlashplayingwithLennyKravitz;noteLenny’sdredsatleft.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

Slashonthesetofthevideoshootfor“Estranged.”

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

SlashduringhisforcedexileinHawaii.Hewassenttherebymanagementfortwoweekstostayoutoftrouble.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

SlashdoingasoundcheckduringtheUseYourIllusionstour.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

Slashfatiguedattheendofalongsetduringthefinalnotesof“ParadiseCity.”

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

OpeningforAerosmithatGiantsStadium,NewJersey.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

SlashandRonnieWood.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

SlashandStevenAdler.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

IzzyandSlash.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

IggyPopandSlashafteranIggygigeitherbeforeorafterSlashrecordedwithIggyonhisBrickbyBrickalbum,1990.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

GoodbuddiesTommyLeeandSlashbackstageatsomeawardsshow,probablyKROQ.

PhotographbyKarlLarsen

Agrumpymorningonthebus.

PhotographcourtesyofPerlaHudson.

PerlagivesSlashaspecialkissinthelobbyoftheHardRockHotelinVegas.He’sstandinginfrontoftheGunsN’Rosesdisplayinthelobby.

PhotographcourtesyofPerlaHudson.

CharlieSheenandSlashinaprivatejet,mostlikelyheadedtoVegas.Slashusedtokeepthatnecklacehe’swearingloadedwithcoke.

PhotographcourtesyofPerlaHudson.

RonJeremyandSlashjudgesomekindofMissNudepornography-relatedbeautycontestinIndiana.Notetheintenseconcentration.

PhotographcourtesyofPerlaHudson.

Self-explanatorySlash.

PhotographcourtesyofPerlaHudson.

SlashandPerlaandJohnnieWalker.

PhotographcourtesyofPerlaHudson.

SlashandgoodfriendRobertEvans,legendaryfilmproducer.

PhotographcourtesyofPerlaHudson.

PhotographbyGeneKirkland

WEHUNGAROUNDFORAWHILETHENweheadedouttoNewYorkCitytoplayafewheadliningdates.WehadZodiacMindwarpopeningupforafew,aswellasEZO.Thesegigswerestaggered,butIrememberplayingtheLimelight.Wedidn’ttakeitallthatseriously:ourplanwastojustflyinandusesomeotherband’sequipment.ItooksleepingpillsbeforetheflightinL.A.,andwhenwemissedourflightbecauseAxlwasrunninglate,Isomehowmanagedtostayawake.

Wealwaystraveledtogetherontheroad,andwhilewewaitedforAxlandthenextflightIkeptdrinkingJack.BythetimewegottoNewYorkCity,itwastimetogorighttotheshow;andthecombinationofboozeandpillshadreallykickedin.I’dsleptmaybeanhourontheplane,sobasicallyIwasthewalkingdead.Wegoupthereunannounced,andallthingsconsidered,itwasaprettygoodnight.Theonlyproblemwasthedreadedmomentwhenwehadtoplay“SweetChildo’Mine.”Ittookmetenminutestogetthosefirsteightnotestogether.I’dstartandstopandstartandstopuntilfinallyIfigureditout.Itwasembarrassingbutfunnyatthesametime.IthinkthatwasthesamenightthatIstage-doveandthecrowdpartedliketheRedSeaandletmehitthefloor.Ilay

stage-doveandthecrowdpartedliketheRedSeaandletmehitthefloor.IlaythereforamomenttakingstockofwhetherI’dbrokenanybonesornot.ThenIgotbackonstageandtriedtomaintainsomesemblanceofcool.

TheRitzshowinNewYorkweplayedthattripwashugelypopularonMTV.Itwasn’toneofourgreatestshowsbyanymeans:Axlwashavingvocalproblems,andthoughwedidn’tplaybadly,we’dplayedsomuchbetterintherecentpast.Inanycase,itwaslooseandoutoftuneandpunkrock,andforthosereasonsalone,itissomethingtoberecognized.Thatfootageisimportantbecauseitistheessenceoftheband.Thecrowdwasgreat,andlikesomanymemorablemoments,itwasoveranddonebeforeIevenknewit.

WedidaslewofgigsontheEastCoastafterward,andthatwasGunsinourprime.IrememberoneparticularnightatL’AmourinBrooklyn,whichwasoneofthemostclassicmetal/hard-rockvenuesthatanyonecouldeverplayinNewYorkCity.Izzygottotallydrunkdowningbeersbackstagewhilewewerewaitingaroundtogoon.Butheremainedcoolinhisownway—Izzywasalwaysfunnylikethat.Thatnightheletonlikenothingwaswrong,spendingtheentireshowsittingonthetinyledgebetweenthetopandbottomcabinetofhisrig.Itwashilarioustowatch.

Thoseweregreatgigs—allofthefansthatwerethereknowitasmuchasIdo.Duringthatperiod,whenweheadlined,wehadacertainmajesticpresence.Somethinghappenedinthosemonthswhenwemadethemovefromopeningbandtoheadliner;bythenweknewhowtomakeourforty-fiveminutesano-holds-barredexperience.Wewereagreatopeningband,andwhenwewerebilledtoplaymore,wewereevenmorebangforthebuck.Headlininghadapersonalvibetotheset;thosenightswhenwehadfreereinoftheroom,wewereeverybody’sband.

WELANDEDBACKINL.A.ANDWESHOTthe“SweetChildo’Mine”video,whichkeptusbusyuntilAlancouldgetusbackontheroad.Thatvideowasfine;itwasjustanotherlongtwo-daysit-aroundshoot.Aslongastherewasalive-performanceelementtoit,Iwasokaywiththewholething.Thatparticularvideofeaturedeverybandgirlfriendofthemoment,which,lookingbackonitnow,isamusing.

Atthetime,AlanhadassignedRonnie,thesecurityguy,tolookafterme.HewasfiercelyloyalandcommittedandIturnedthataspectofhispersonalityinto

wasfiercelyloyalandcommittedandIturnedthataspectofhispersonalityintogreatfun.Alanhadthebestintentionsinmind,butIgotintomoretroubleonceRonniewasaroundthanIotherwisewouldhavebecauseIbegantofocusonfuckingwithhimasmynewpastime.He’dhavetolockmeintomyroomandhideinthehallwayincaseItriedtoescape—becauseIwould.Ronniewasgreat;heplayedalong,heneverreallylosthistempereveninthosemomentswhenIdevotedallofmyenergytosneakingpasthim.Allthingsconsidered,hewasagreatassetuntilitallwentsouth.We’llgettoallofthatinjustalittlebit.

OURNEXTJOBMADEEVERYONEAPPREHENSIVEbeforeweevensaidyes:itwasopeningforIronMaiden,startingoutinCanadainMay1988,ontheirtourinsupportofthealbumSeventhSonofaSeventhSon.Weweren’toverlyexcitedaboutit,aswedidn’tfeellikeweweretheperfectmatch.Ihadnothingagainstthem,IhadgottenintothemviaRonSchneiderfromTidusSloan,wholovedMaiden,Rush,Armageddon,andSabbath—soIwasveryfamiliarwithIronMaiden’sentirecatalog.I’dspentmanyanafternoonwhenwe’dditchedjuniorhighwatchingRonplayhisRickenbackerbassalongtotheMaidenrecords.IlikedTheKillersrecordmostofall.Afterthatone,Ilosttouch.

IronMaiden’sthemeonthattourandonthatconceptalbumwassomekindofpolarholocaust:thesetlookedlikeahugeglacierfromwhichtheirmascot,Eddie,emerged,unfrozenfromhisicetomborwhatever.ApparentlythealbumwasabighitforthemintheU.K.andisconsideredoneoftheirbest.Tous,thewholethingwasridiculous;wehatedtheirstageshowonsightandhadahardtimeplayingwiththatice-scenebackdropbehinduseverynight.Weshowedupforthefirstgigandcouldn’tdoasoundcheckbecausetheircrewhadn’tgottenthewholeglaciertogetheryet.NottomentiontheYeti.

Backthen,wedidn’thavedayroomspaidforinthehotels,soweeitherhungoutatthegigoronthebusuntilshowtime.Thosewereinterestingshows;weweresooutofplacethatitwasachallenge.Wedidourbesttoplaywellandwewerewellreceivedforthemostpart;weweren’thatedandweweren’tloved—foreveryshowwherewereallyconnected,therewereplentywherewedidn’t.

DuffandI,forourpart,triedtoconnectwiththeMaidenguys.ThatbandisaBritishinstitution,andwerealizedthat;they’vebeenaroundforever,theyhavetheircrew,andwhattheydoiswhatthey’vedoneforyears.WewereanAmericanupstartband,allfrayedattheedges,fuckingwiththeirveryestablishedsystem.DuffandIrespectedthatandwehungoutonenightwith

establishedsystem.DuffandIrespectedthatandwehungoutonenightwiththem,andplayeddartsandforgedamomentarykinshipandthatwasgreat.Itwasn’thard:theywereamazingatdartsandweweren’t,andweweretotallycoolwithlosingtothem.

Forashortmomentthere,itseemedlikewehadfoundcommongroundbetweenMaidenandus.Butthatdidn’tlast.Afewdateslater,Axlwalkedintothecommissary,whichwasloadedwithcrewguysfrombothcamps,andmadeastatement.Thecommissaryisakindofsacredplacetobandsontour:it’saneutralzone,it’sasharedarea;ifanything,it’slikethechowlineinprisonorthearmy.Itistheoneplaceontourwhereeveryoneputsupwitheveryone.Sowewerehalfwaythroughthistour,andAxlwalkedupinthereandfuckinglostit:heflippedatableoverandstormedout.Heseemedsofrustratedandattheendofhisropeaboutthetour.

TherewasalreadyanuneasytensionbetweenMaidenandGuns.ThisobviouslysentthetensionleveltoYellow—Redbeingnuclear.Thebuzzwentaroundthecrewnetwork,andfromthatpointon,therewasnosocializingatallbetweenthetwobands.Itwasawkwardbutweweredeterminedtohanginthereandseeitthrough.

TheMaidentourwounditswaythroughCanadaandheadedsouthintoSeattleandNorthernCalifornia.I’mnotsure,butIthinkthatitwasaBayAreadatewhenAxlrefusedtoleavethehoteltodothegig.IfIremembercorrectly,hewasstillinhisroomwhentherestofusleftforthevenue,andAlanwaswithhim.Notlongafter,wegotthecallthatAxlwasn’tfeelingwellandcouldn’tperform.ThecrowdawaitingMaidenwasprettylarge,soAlaninsistedthatDuffandIgooutthereandletthemknowthatAxlwassick.Whenwefirstwalkedonstage,therewasarippleofexcitementandcheering,untiltheyheardwhatwehadtosay.Itwasahugedeal—itsucked;Iwishthatitdidn’thavetohappen.Forbetterorforworse,whenDuffandIdeliveredthenews,itwasn’twellreceived—andthatwasthefirsttimethatwe’devergottensuchareactioninourcareer.Thecrowdwasupsettothepointthatitwasobviousthattheyreallydidcare—andweweren’teventheheadliner.Wehadn’texpectedmuchfromMaiden’sfans.Wehadnoideathatwe’dcrossedoverthewaythatwehad.Itwasanicesurprise.

TherewerejustafewMaidendatesforustodoinCaliforniatoendthetour,andasmuchasnoneofuswantedtodothem,wewereallcommitted.ThereweretwoshowsatIrvineMeadows,butAxl’sthroatwassuchthathejust

couldn’tdothoselasttwoshows—therewasjustnoway.I’mnotsurehowthatwentover,butitwasregisteredearlyenoughthatAlanhadtimetoscrambletofulfillthecontract.Intheend,L.A.Gunswerehiredtoplaytheopeningslotsolongasenoughofusshoweduptojamwiththem.Duff,Izzy,Steven,andIshowedupreluctantly—atbest—toplayatleastafewsongs.WegotupthereandourcrewtoldmeafterthatL.A.Gunshadtriedtosabotageourgear;they’dturneddownalltheampstomakeussoundbad.IguessTraciiwasworriedthatIwasgoingtooutplayhim.Whateveritwas,theytriedtonipitinthebud,butourpeoplecaughtitandfixedit.Inanycase,thatshowendedanysortof“civil”relationshipbetweenTraciiGunsandme.

THOSESHOWSWERETHELASTDATESONourschedule.WhenwegotbacktoL.A.IstartedhangingaroundwithWestArkeenandtherewasarumorandgeneralworryintheband’scirclethatIwasbackonsmack.Thetruthis,Igothighonceandthatwasit.Buttheirintentionsweregood:theywereworriedthatImightdomyselfinifwehadnothingtodo.Andtheyweren’texactlywrong.Ihadapenchantforbeingunrulyandtheycouldnevernailmedown.Withthatinmind,AlandecidedthatDougshouldtakemetoHawaiitochilloutforabit.

DougandIwenttoMauiandhe’satotalgolfhead,sohewascompletelyabsorbedbecausewestayedatapremierresortthathepickedforthatveryreason.Iwassupposedtosoakupthesunand“relax”…itwasanightmare.Theplacewasentirelybungalows;wehadarentalcarfortheweekandstockedourlittlehutswithgroceries.Itwasasexpensiveasahotelbutwasn’tlikeahotelatall.Wewerescheduledforatwo-weekstay,butafterfivedaysIwasreadytoleave.IstartedcallingDougdemandingplaneticketstosomewheremoreinteresting.“Icanflyanywhere,man!”Ishouted.“Fuckthisplace,whyamIhere?”

“Slash,relax,it’scool,”hesaid.“Okay,wheredoyouwanttogo?”

“Anyplace!Fuck.I’mgoingtofuckingNewYorkCity!”

Intheend,insteadofflyingmeout,heagreedtoflyinthishotstripperI’dmetinToronto.DougarrangeditallandthenIwashappy.Iwassupposedtobechillingout,butIstillgotreallydrunkonthattrip.OnenightinparticularItiedoneonwithherandforsomestupidreasonIfounditnecessarytosmashalloftheglasslouversinthefrontdoorofourbungalow.Ididn’tthinkaboutitatall;

itseemedperfectlynaturalatthetime.SuddenlytherewasaknockatthedoorthatnightaswesatonthecouchandthisenormousSamoanguywhowasaguardattheresortwasoutthereandhewasnothappyatall.

“Didyoubreakallofthisglass?”heasked.

“Yeah,”Isaid.“Sowhat?”

“You’vegottocleanitup,”hesaidominously.“You’regoingtocleanupthismess.”Hewasright;morally,yes,IshouldhavecleaneduptheglassI’dbroken.ButIwaspayingnearlyagrandanightjusttobethere,andatthoserates,Iwasn’tabouttocleanupanything.

“Whydon’tyoufuckingcleanitup,man?”Itoldhim.

Theguystaredmedownforasecond,thenhegrabbedmebytheneckandslammedmeupagainstthewall.Ididn’tknowwhathehadplanned;allIknewisthatIcouldhardlybreatheandthatmynakedbackwasseriouslyfeelingthestuccowall.

Mygirlwentcrazyandjumpedontheguy’sback,totallyraisingCain.Itdidn’tmattermuch;hewaslockedontomynecklikeapitbull:heswungatherwithonearm,buttheotheroneneverlooseneditsgriponmythroat.Thiswholescenewasprettyloud;afterafewminutesweattractedacrowd.Thiscouplefromnextdoorcameover,andwhentheSamoanguysawthem,itwaslikekryptonite:allofasuddenhestraightenedupandjustranaway.ThenextdayItriedtofindhim,butitwasnouse:hedisappearedandnevercameback;helefthisjobandallofitbehind,apparently.

WEDIDAMINI-TOURSHORTLYAFTERthat:itwassomethingthatAlanbookedtokeepupourmomentum.WeplayedatheaterinPhoenixwithTSOL,andIrememberthatwhenIarrivedthere,everyoneinourcampwashappyandrelievedtoseeme.Iwassuntanned,andDougwasveryproud;accordingtohim,he’dtakenmedowntoHawaiiandstraightenedmeout.Ifoundthatprettyfunny.

Wedidthefirstgiganditwasfine,butthesecondnightAxldidn’tshowup:herefusedtoleavehisroom.Idon’tknowhowintenselyDougandAlantriedto

gethimoutofthere,andIstilldon’tunderstandwhyhewouldn’tcomeout,butitwasaseriousblowtomoraleinmymind.Weinthebandwerebesideourselves;wewereheadliningandwecouldn’tjustforgivethis.Therearen’ttoomanyreasonstomissgoingonstage—ifthere’sadeathinthefamily,oryou’redeadyourself,orsickoratbestdeathlyill,it’sexcusable.Asidefromthatyoucrawlonstageifyouhaveto.Itsetoffachainreaction—thefloodgatesofdysfunctionwereopenfromthatpoint.

StevenfoundsomeonewhowasholdinginPhoenixandIgotloaded,hegotloaded;I’mnotsurewhatIzzyandDuffweredoing,butSteveandIwerethreesheetstothewind.AllthatIrememberofthatnightwasthatourhotelseemedcavernous;thedistancefrommyroomtoSteven’sseemedlikesixmiles.Thathotelwasdarkandmoody:therewereasignificantnumberofpeoplewhohadgottenroomstherestrictlytopartyaftergoingtotheshowandtheywereinfullswing,sotherewasasinister,druggyvibehangingabouttheplace.

Asthesuncameup,DougandAlancalledabandmeetingoverbreakfast.Duff,Izzy,Steven,andIfiledintowhateverrestaurantandsatdownwithAlanandhedeliveredusthebusiness.Hetoldusthatwewereonthevergeofruiningeverythingwe’dworkedsohardtoachieve.IttookallofmystrengthjusttokeepmyheadupfortwosecondswhileAlanwentonabouthowwecouldn’tgoonlikethis.WemadeapointofexpressingourdisappointmentwithAxl’sdisregardandthefactthathedidn’tevenshowupforthemeeting.Butwealsoknewthatwecouldn’tgooutandjustgetanewsinger.ItseemedlikeAlanwaswithusandwasgoingtotalktohim.Itdidn’tmakeadifference,ofcourse.

WereturnedtoL.A.andcanceledtherestofourtour.Nextup:openingforAerosmith.Thecontrolledenvironmentofbeinganopeningbandseemedlikeitwouldbegoodforusatthetime.Theirmanager,TimCollins,hadspearheadedtheirsobrietyandthebandhadspentmillionsgettingthemselvescleanedupandintoasoberuniverse.Andthey’dhiredanopeningbandthatwasfallingapartattheseams.IcanonlyimaginetheliesthatAlancameupwithabouthowgreatweweredoingtoclosethatdeal.

StevenTyler,Slash,andJoePerry.

TomZutaut,AlanNiven,andDougGoldsteinwerereadtheriotactaboutendangeringAerosmith’ssobrietybyTimCollinsandwethenmetwithhimaswell.WeshoweduptohishotelroominL.A.,whereweorderedabout$1,000worthofboozefromroomservicewhenhewenttothebathroom.Astheywheeledinthishugecartofdrinksandfood,Timdidn’tsayanything,hejustsmirked.

“Sorry,man,”Isaid.“Wewerehungry…andthirsty.”

Itwasourwayofshowinghimthatweweren’twillingtorelinquishourlifestyle,butwewereopentofollowingafewessentialguidelines.Allalcoholicdrinkswouldbeconsumedinunmarkedcupsandallbottlesofboozewouldbekeptoutofsight,andofcoursenomentionwouldbemadeofheroinorcocaine.Thatwasn’taproblem:itwasneverhardtoliewhenwewereholdingdrugsbecausenoneofuswereeverthesharingkind.

ThetourstartedinJulyandlastedfortwomonths,andIcouldn’thavebeenhappieraboutsupportingoneofthebandsthatmeantsomuchtome.Aerosmith’snewalbum,PermanentVacation,wasthefirstthatwaswrittenbyoutsidesongwritersandcontainedthefirsthitsthatthebandhadenjoyedinyears,butasmuchasIdidn’tthinkthattheuseofsongwriterswasparticularlycool,Iwashappytoseethemresurrectedfromthedead.

ThefirstnightoftheAerosmithtourwastumultuous:itstartedinIllinois,andwhiletherestofusshowedupearlyenoughtowatchthemsound-check,Axlwasmissinginactionuntilhalfanhourbeforeshowtime.Iremember

Axlwasmissinginactionuntilhalfanhourbeforeshowtime.IrememberStevenTylercominguptomeandsaying,“Hey…sowhere’syoursinger?”It’sbecomearecurringpunchline;it’shisstandardgreetingwheneverheseesme.Axlshowedupattheverylastminute,whichobviouslycausedtensiontobehighallaround,butweplayedwellenoughtomakeupforit.

WeplayedGiantsStadiumonthattour,withDeepPurpleonthebill.Thatstadiumissohugeandwehadsomuchroomonthatstagethatwecouldreallyrunaround;wewerealwaysgoodatthat.Wedidaforty-five-minutesetandweplayed“ParadiseCity”twicebecausewewereshootingitforavideo.Thecrowdjustfreaked.Thatstadiumcanholdeightythousand,andeventhoughitwasn’tcompletelyfull,we’dneverplayedtoacrowdthatlarge.Theenergywasincredible.ItwasoneofthosemomentswhenItrulyrealizedhowpopularwewerebecominginthe“real”world.Itwasamomentofclarity.

Iremembersound-checkingthatday;Iwalkedoutintothemiddleofthearena,thishugeexpanse,andplayedmyguitar,justforawhile,totakeitallin.We’dwalkedintosomanysituationssincethatfirstgiginSeattle,andthatsamechemistryandenergywasstillthere.Ifanything,wewerestadium-worthyfromthestart;wehadanirrefutablewayofdoingthingsthatneededverylittleadjusmentoncewemadetheleaptoagrandscale.

WecameoffstageandIwasoncloudnine,soIwentontoourbusandcelebratedwithaboutfivelinesofcokeandafewdeeptumblersofJackDaniel’s.LiterallytheminuteafterI’dfinishedmylastline,GeneKirkland,aphotographerIknew,burstinandsaidthathewastheretoshootJoePerryforthecoverofRipMagazineandJoehadrequestedthatIbeapartofit.ThecokewasreallyhittingmeandtheJackwasn’thelpingmuch;IfeltlikeFrostytheSnowman.

Slashpretendshedidn’tjustdothreegramsofblow.JoePerryknowsSlashjustdidthreegramsofblow.NoteSlash’sclenchedjawandstiffarms.

ItoldGenethatI’dbethereinafewandpoundedasmuchJackasIcouldstomach,thenItorethebusapartsearchinginvainformysunglasses.Icheckedmyselfinthemirror,tookafewdeepbreaths,andheadedoutsideasnonchalantlyaspossible.IstrolledovertoJoetryingnottotwitch,hopingthatmysmilelookedmorerelaxedthanitfelt.Cokemakesyouparanoidandthis

mysmilelookedmorerelaxedthanitfelt.CokemakesyouparanoidandthisparticularbatchwassomespeedyNewJersey,stepped-onSopranoscokesoitwashardtohidetheeffects.I’dmetJoebeforebutIdidnotwanttobearoundhimallcokedup.EverytimeIseetheresultingpictureofus,Ihavetolaugh,becauseanyonewhoknowsmeatallknowsthatIneversmilelikethatoreverholdmyselfquitesostiffly.SomehowImanagedtokeepmyjawinlinebutitwantedtoswinglikeabarndoorinthewind.

Wedidaprettygoodjobofbehavingourselvesthattour,butStevenTylerwasconvincedthatwewerehighoutofourmindsallofthetime.Hewassoinquisitiveaboutwhatwewereuptoandwhatwe’ddonethenightbefore.He’dcomeovertouseveryafternoonandsay,inthatrhythmic,rapid-firedeliveryofhis,“What’dyoudolastnight?Yougethigh?Youfucksomegirls?”Itgothardtoliveuptohisexpectations.

TheonlyneardisasterthatwehadwithAerosmithwasatavenuesomewhereintheMidwest.Therewasalongdrivefromthehoteltothevenue,Axlwasrunninglate,andthefirstcarwasfull,soIdecidedtowaitforhim.Theotherguysgottherefine,butwegottotallystuckinalineofcarsheadingintothevenueonatwo-lanehighway.Wewerefucked,justcrawlingalong,andtheclockwasticking.AxlwascoolbutIwascompletelyanxious.Wesomehowmanagedtogetapoliceescortandmakeitwithfiveminutestospare.Irememberwalkingintothedressingroom,throwingonanewshirt,andrunninguptothestage.IpassedJoePerryinthehallwayandhewasstandingtherewithonelegoutthewayhedoes,justwatchingme,withthisslightgrinasiftosay,“Ha-ha.Thistimeyoumadeit.”

Inhindsight,itwasclearthatdespiteAerosmith’sradiohits,weweresoonthemainattraction.Ithappenedveryfastforus,thankstoMTV’schronicrotationof“SweetChildo’Mine”:withinafewweeksofthesingle’sreleaseinearlyJune,ithitnumberoneandwebecamethemostpopularbandinthenation.Weheardthingsfrommanagement,butitdidn’tsinkinwithmeuntilRollingStoneshowedupontour:they’dsentawriterouttodoacoverstoryonAerosmith,butafterafewdaysofwatchingthecrowds’reactionandseeingusplaylive,themagazineoptedtoputusonthecoverinstead.Bytheendofthetour,wewereabsolutelyfuckinghuge,generatingthekindofexcitementthatprettymuchbaffledmenightafternight.

Thatsaid,wewerestillascrappygroupofgypsieswithoutaclue,soAerosmith’smanager,TimCollins,sentusoffwithapartinggiftthatwedesperatelyneeded:luggage.TheygaveeachofusanaluminumHalliburton

desperatelyneeded:luggage.TheygaveeachofusanaluminumHalliburtonsuitcasethatIstillhavetoday.Timrealizedthatwewereeachthetypewhomightstayontheroadfortenmoreyearswithoutapropersuitcase—andhewasn’twrong.IrememberhowgratefulandexcitedIwastohaveit;IranovertoJoeandSteven’sdressingroomandthankedthemfromthebottomofmyheart.TheylookedatmelikeIwascrazy;nowIrealizethattheyprobablyhadnoideathatmanagementhadsentusagiftatall.

WESHOTHALFOFOURTHIRDVIDEOduringourtourwithAerosmith.Thelivefootageseenin“ParadiseCity”wascapturedintwolocations;thefirstwasGiantsStadiuminNewJerseyandthesecondwasattheMonstersofRockFestivalatCastleDonningtonintheEnglishMidlandsamonthlateronAugust20,1988.BythetimewegottoDonnington,“SweetChild”and“WelcometotheJungle”hadchartedaroundtheworldandouralbumhadbrokentheTopTen.Atthatshowweexperiencedafrenziedreactionlikenothingwe’dseenbefore.Thefestivalbrokeattendancerecordsthatyear,surpassingthehundred-thousandmark.Therecouldn’thavebeenabetterplaceforustorecordlivefootage…exceptforthefactthattwopeopleweretrampledtodeathatthefrontofthestageduringourset.

Theaudiencewascrazy,justthisseaofsurgingpeople.Axlstoppedthesetanumberoftimesinanefforttocontrolthecrowd,buttherewasnocalmingthemdown.Wehadnoideathatanyonewasactuallyhurtletalonekilled;afterwe’ddonethegigandwerecelebratinginanearbypub,Alancameincompletelydistraughtandgaveusthenews.Itwashorrible;noneofusknewwhattodo:somethingthathadbeenacauseforcelebrationamomentbeforehadbecomeatragedy.Itwasthefirstofmanystrange,surreal,andcontradictorytimes.

LESSTHANAMONTHLATER,GUNSPERFORMED“WelcometotheJungle”attheMTVVideoMusicAwardsandtookhometheBestNewArtistAward.I’dliketoknowwherethattrophyistoday;IthinkIleftitinacab,which,nowthatIthinkaboutit,isasmuchasitdeserved.ThenonSeptember24,1988—nearlyayearandmonth,totheday,afteritsrelease—AppetiteforDestructionbeganathree-weeksit-inattheverytopofBillboard’salbumchart.Andsobeganourreignofterror.Thetruthis,allweevercaredtodowastopthebullshithairmetalbandsthatenjoyedunduesuccessfortheirsubparexistence.We—well,I

atleast—neverwantedtobeMadonna;thatkindofpop-starrealityhadnothingtodowithwhatourbandwasabout,accordingtome.ButbeforeIknewit,that’swherewelandedalmostovernight.

Afternurturingusthroughmakingtherecord,thenwaitingayearforittotakeoff,TomZutautwasn’tgoingtoletthisupswinglosemomentum:heconvincedustopackagetheacousticrecordingswe’djustdonewiththeLive!LikeaSuicidealbumandreleaseitimmediately.WecalleditGN’RLiesanditwasreleasedonNovember29,1988.Thealbumhitthetopfiveaweekafteritwasreleased,andsuddenlythisbandthatGeffenhadnearlydroppedwasbreakingrecords:weweretheonlyacttohavetwoalbumsinthetopfiveatthesametimeduringtheentire1980s.

WehadbrokeninAmericaandtheU.K.already,soAlanbookedusonatourofJapan,Australia,andNewZealand,wheretherecordwasjuststartingtotakeoff.Japanwassuchacultureshock;thefirstmorningthatIwokeupthereandlookedoutofmywindow,andalloftheJapanesetoysandeveryGodzillamoviethatI’dbeenafanofsuddenlytookonawholenewmeaning.IzzyhaditworsethanIdid:he’dgottenreallystrungouttheweekbeforeweleft,sotogetthroughtheten-hourflightwithoutahitch,hetookabunchoftime-releaseValiumthemomentwegotontheplane.Hesleptallthewaythereandwassooutofitthatwehadtocarryhimthroughimmigration.Wedidourbesttoholdhimupthewholewaythroughtheprocess,butitdidn’tseemlikehewasgoingtomakeit.

Whenhewokeupinhishotelroom,hehadnoideaatallwherehewas,sohecalledthefrontdesk,unsureifanyofuswereeveninthesamehotel.TheytransferredhimtoSteven’sroom.

“Heyman,it’sIzzy,”hesaid.“Uh…whereamI?”

“Heyman!”Stevensaid.“You’reinJapan!”

“No.”

“Yeah,man!We’reinJapan!”

“Getthefuckoutofhere,”Izzysaid.“Noway.”

“Yeah,man,lookoutyourfuckin’window!

Likeeveryotherhard-rockorheavymetalbandthatplaysJapan,wehungoutinRoppongi—westayedattheRoppongiPrinceHotel,actually.Betweenthewatered-downdrinksandthebadblow,IburnedoutonitimmediatelybecauseIhadnoideawhereelsetogo.Istayedlockedinmyroomformostofthattour,aroomthatIshouldmentionwasabouttenfeetbytenfeet,butjustsoincrediblyefficient.Therewasthelanguagebarrier,ofcourse,butaboveandbeyondthat,Icouldn’tdealwiththeBeatle-maniaelementofJapanesemusicfans.Theymetusattheairport,theyfollowedustoourhotel,andtheyprettymuchwaitedinthelobbyorhotelhallwayincaseanyofusthoughtaboutleaving.Iwasflattered,butIthoughtitwasprettystrange.ThefewtimesIcaredtogoout,IwasescortedtotheHardRockandafewotherclubs,andfoundnoreasontomakethateffortagain:thepseudo–danceclub/rockscenefullofexportedAmericanmodelsdidnothingformeatall.Luckily,IdidrunintoagirlthatIknewfromL.A.,andthatmadethingsmorebearable.Otherwise,mymemoriesofthattourcomedowntothreethings:stickyrice,sake,andJackDaniel’s.

WedidfivedatestotalandtookthebullettraintotheshowsoutsideTokyo.OurpromoterthroughoutJapanwasMr.Udo,whowasfamousforhandlingallofthebighard-rockactsinthosedays;hesawtherowdiestofbandsfromVanHalentoMötleysafelythroughhiscountrywithoutacasualty.Asiscustomary,Mr.Udohostedadinnerforus,whichincludedexecutivesfromourJapaneserecordlabelandimportantpromoters—who,weweretold,weremembersoftheYakuza,theJapaneseMafia.WewereinstructednottoshowourtattoosthatnightbecauseourYakuzahostswouldbeoffended:inJapan,tattooscarrymuchmoreweightthantheydoelsewhere,andtattooingiselementaltoYakuzaculture.Ofcoursewedidn’tlisten:AxlworeshortsleevesandItookoffmyjacketandrolledupthesleevesofmyT-shirtwithoutthinkingaboutit.Thedinnerendedupbeingverypleasant,andMr.Udogaveeachofuscamerasasapartinggiftattheendofthemeal.Thosecameraswereakindgesturethatturnedouttobeaproblemintheend:noneofusweresavvyenoughtodeclarethemasgiftswhenwepassedthroughcustoms,sotheJapaneseauthoritiesdetaineduswhentheyfoundthem.Someofus,atleast:I’dlostminebythetimewegottotheairport,andIthinkStevenhadaswell.Duffsomehowgotthrough,buttheotherguysgotheldup.Afteranhourofquestioning,Izzymadethecameraamootissuebysmashingitinfrontoftheguards.Axl,however,didnot,andhewassearchedtothemaximumdegree;Ibelievehewasstripsearched—everything.Inanycase,wemissedourflightwaitingforhim.

OurnextstopwasAustralia;wedidashorttourthathitSyndeyand

OurnextstopwasAustralia;wedidashorttourthathitSyndeyandMelbourne,andsinceourrecordwasjustbarelycrackingtheirconsciousness,weresuscitatedafewcovers,like“Marseilles”bytheAngelsand“NiceBoysDon’tPlayRock’n’Roll,”whichisbyoneofAustralia’sgreatestrockbands,RoseTattoo.Wemadeapointofgettingintouchwiththemandarrangingtomeet,andImustsaythattheleaderoftheirband,AngryAnderson,waseverythingIthoughthe’dbe.AngryhadmoretattoosthananyoneI’deverseen,andhewaseverybitasrealandhonestasI’dhopedfor.

Bythistime,wewereshowingsignsofwearandtearfromthephysicaldemandsofexcessivetouring.Itwastakingitstoll.We’dalsobeenspoiledbythesheerenthusiasmofthecrowdsinAmerica,soAustraliawasalittlebitofaletdownwhenweneededalift.Thechickswerestandoffishandindependent.Theyweren’tclamberingalloverthemselvestomeetusthewaytheydideverywhereelse.Atthispoint,heroinstartedtorearitsuglyheadagain:IzzyandIranintosomeonewhohadsomeandwecoppedalittle.Wesoondiscoveredthatthereisalong-standingheroincultureinAustralia.Wekeptittogether,though,justatastehereandthere,soitdidn’tevolveintoanotherfull-timehabit.

Wedidmanagetogetthemostoutofitanddidsomegoodwritingwhilewewerethere.“CivilWar”wasaninstrumentalthatIhadwrittenjustbeforewetookoffforJapan.AxlstartedwritinglyricstoitandweworkeditupintoapropersongatsoundcheckinMelbourne,firstthebeginningpartthentheheavysection.Thatsongcametogetherveryquickly.

AfterourfivedatesinAustralia,wepoppedovertoNewZealand,andatthatpointIrealizedthatIwascompletelyburnedout.Ithadbeentwolongyearsontheroad.AtthesametimeIdidn’twanttogobackhomebecauseIhadnowheretogo.

WhenwegotbacktoL.A.,Itreatedmyselftoarareindulgence:aguitar.SomehowthiscollectorgotintouchwithourmanagementbecausehewantedtosellmeJoePerry’s1959LesPaul—thetobacco-coloredsunbursthe’dbeenphotographedwithcountlesstimes.Joe’sex-wifehadsolditbackwhenhewasstillondrugsandtheyhadcomeupontoughtimes.Andthiswasit—theguyhadpicturesofitandallthedocumentation.Iknewthatguitarwell—JoewasholdingitintheAerosmithposterIhadonmywallgrowingup.Ithadadistinctivenickinit;thiswastherealdeal.

Theguywantedeightgrandforit,andthoughIhadneverspenteightgrandonanythingbeforeinmyentirelife,Ihadtohaveit.Itwasaprettyamazing

onanythingbeforeinmyentirelife,Ihadtohaveit.ItwasaprettyamazingmomentwhenIfinallyheldthatguitarinmyhands;thesameinstrumentthatplayedanessentialroleinthepathI’dchoseninlifewasnowinmypossession(andIwoulduseitonthe“NovemberRain”video).ItrulyfeltlikeI’darrived.

Ifmemoryserves,itwasaroundthistimethatIfinallyretiredtostoragetheguitarthatI’dusedonAppetiteandthe“WelcometotheJungle”video,myLesPaulreplica(andthebackupforitthatI’dbought).IabusemyguitarswhenIplaylive,andbythispointitwasseverelybangedupafterallofthattouring.

Inanycase,Iwasinneedofnewtouringguitars,soIaskedGibsonfortwoLesPaulStandards.Theyappreciatedmydedication,butsinceIwasn’tveryhigh-profileatthatpoint,theywouldn’tgivethemtomeforfree;they’donlysellthemtomewholesale.Thatwasfine:Igottwored-and-orangeSunburstsandIimmediatelygotthemrefinishedsothatthey’dlooklessbrand-newandbrightlycolored.Iwantedthemtobeabitdullerandweathered.IusedonethroughtherestofourAppetitetour,throughtheentireUseYourIllusiontour,andonbothSnakepittours.Italsoappearedinthe“SweetChildo’Mine”and“ParadiseCity”videos.Theotheroneremainedabackup.

Theysawsomelivingtosaytheleast.WhenVelvetRevolverstarted,thoseguitarsweresobangedupthatIdecidednottoretirethembuttousethemminimallyonstage—Icalluponthemwheneverweplay“FalltoPieces.”Tofillthatvoid,IaskedGibsonforacouplemoreandthistimeapparentlyIwasabitmorehigh-profilesotheygavethemtome,noquestionsasked.Theyactuallytookitevenfurther:theymademeaSlashmodelLesPaulthatisanexactreplicaofthose1988StandardsthatI’dboughtfromthemwaybackwhen.InowusethoseonstageandtheyaresuchexactreplicasthatthefirsttimeIopenedthecasetolookattheprototype,number001,IthoughtthatIwaslookingatmyoriginalguitarthattheywerereturningtome.Thereplicahaseverysinglenick,scratch,andcigaretteburnthatmyguitarhas.Itevenhasacrackintheneckfromthattimewhenitexplodedinmyfaceandwasrebuilt—we’llgettothatstoryinjustalittlebit.Inanycase,it’scalledtheSlashSignaturemodelandit’severyinchexactlylikemine.ConsideringthattheydidthesameforJimmyPage—theyreplicatedtheguitarheusedforTheSongRemainstheSameandallofthegreatestLedZeppelinalbums—I’mhonoredthattheydidthatforme.

PhotographyCreditsInterior

PhotographsbyGeneKirklandappearonImages:

Introduction,Chapter6,Chapter7,Chapter8,Chapter9,Chapter10,Chapter11,Chapter12,Chapter13

PhotographsbyMarcCanterappearonImages:

Chapter2,Chapter3,Chapter4,Chapter5,Chapter6,Chapter7

PhotographsbyOlaHudsonappearonImages:

Introduction,Chapter1,Chapter2,Chapter10

PhotographsbyKarlLarsenappearonImages:

Chapter12,IfMemoryServes

PhotographscourtesyofPerlaHudsonappearonImages:

Chapter12,Chapter13

PhotographbyJ.NezappearsonImage

Chapter13

PhotographbyJackLue(recklessroad.com)appearsonImage

Chapter6

SlashSlashwithAnthonyBozza

Tomylovingfamily,foralltheirsupportthroughthegoodtimesandthebad

AndtoGunsN’Rosesfanseverywhere,oldandnew;withouttheirundyingloyaltyandlimitlesspatience,noneofthiswouldmatter

CONTENTS

Introduction-HavingConsideredAllThings

Chapter1-Stoked

Chapter2-Twenty-Inch-HighHooligans

Chapter3-HowtoPlayRock-and-RollGuitar

Chapter4-EducationHigh

Chapter5-LeastLikelytoSucceed

Chapter6-YouLearntoLiveLikeanAnimal

Chapter7-AppetiteforDysfunction

Chapter8-OfftotheRaces

PhotographicInsert

Chapter9-Don’tTryThisatHome

Chapter10-HumptyDumpty

Chapter11-ChooseYourIllusion

Chapter12-Breakdown

Chapter13-ComingUpforAir

IfMemoryServes

PhotographyCredits

AbouttheAuthors

Credits

Copyright

AboutthePublisher