TRANSCENDING COMPETITIVE CHAOS

By Barbara Todish

FORWARD

Most of us have QUALITY of life issues in place of life or death issues. Those who have REAL issues, as opposed to ego and/or drama issues often become stronger from just surviving. As Nietzsche said " If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger." A more positive way to say something similar is that if we all saw the difference between ABSOLUTE disadvantages and RELATIVE inconveniences, then we could be grateful even for trauma.

CHAPTER 1

Perhaps we need a new reality show called "Trauma or Drama."It could be similar to a judged show (American Idol, but without the drama and or ego) where people could tell about their struggles. Documentation could also be permitted but with an awareness that documents can be falsified, misinterpreted, etc. The judges would listen to the details of their experiences and question them, and if the contestants became at all defensive,then the judges would determine that instead of trauma their experiences were drama.

Real trauma would be determined to have existed ONLY if the contestant communicated SPONTANEOUS GRATITUDE for the trauma, as opposed to ARTIFICIAL, i.e., FAKED or PHONY practiced, scripted "GRATITUDE"! In other words, the judges would be specially selected for their ability to detect eventhe slightest ego and/or drama coming from the contestant bya special kind of "defensiveness sensitivity test".

This would be similar to an expanded lie detection technique. The judges would be uniquely qualified by an ability to bring out defensiveness if it is in the contestant's spirit and/or soul at ALL. GRATITUDE for trauma, namely awareness based on reflection and the communication of how the trauma has BENEFITED the contestant, would be the key to winning "Trauma or Drama".

Such a game show would champion the emergence of AUTHENTIC CHARACTER, AUTHENTIC PERSONALITY. Perhaps we need such a show for all of us to become aware of the difference betweenhaving drama and ego, how we all take life for granted, etc., instead of having gratitude for just being alive.

This kind of a show would make people aware that the poor, and also the disabled (and the disabled poor most of all) have to deal with life or death survival issues. They are the ones who are confronted with the bullying of society andthe bullying of culture and of law, because their poverty and/or disability makes them vulnerable and they are the brunt of symbolic and actual violence.

With such a show, the poor and the disabled and the vulnerable would become aware of their resiliency and their adaptive and creative strengths. It would help these individuals to see that their resiliency and their entrepreneurial creativity is valued and that their life experiences, have been and are what is being mimicked in novels, reality TV, commercial films, etc.

There's been vicarious identification with vulnerable individuals, (whose vulnerability subsidizes others parasitism since recorded history, namely the WORK of the poor and the disabled that must be done to SURVIVE. However,instead of attributing their survival as being positive, their survival experiences have been exploited by the "powers that be" and are attributed to GODS, HEROS and laterto CELEBRITIES.

Such a show would help us all to "get (an absolute instead of) a (relative) life" and an ABSOLUTE instead of a RELATIVEpersonality, and would help us all to become aware of how, too often ego and drama take the place of really living.

Chapter 2 Another idea for a show might be something derived from the popular novel and movie “Hunger Games. Imagine if :Hunger Games was an “appetizer” for the main course: A show called “Identity Oympics”

I imagine all my various identities: My name Barbara, being Barbara, being female, being a daughter, being my race, being my religion, being my various occupations, being, formerly homeless, a professor, etc., all these identities prevented me from being present in an absolute sense.

Identity can be an extremely controversial topic. I releasedmy sel(f)ves from ALL socially and culturally constructed identity, such as race, gender, religion, ethnicity by engaging in an IDENTITY "GAME" that I created that was alongthe order of "HUNGER GAMES"!

The goal of the IDENTITY GAME was is to virtually "kill" my constructed identities! I imagined that I competed in Olympic type virtual "funerals" after competitions that I "held" for all the rituals and traditions and customs associated with my various identity stereotypes.. I was the most stereotypical, the most obnoxious that I could be, i.e., the most dramatic and egotistical female, the whitest,the most religious, the most ethnic, etc.

Finally, I became aware of how these identities enslaved me and I became free from all LIMITED identities. The "PRIZE" is the emergence of limitless humanity, limitless love and

limitless humor due to subliminal humanity "identity".

This new "Identity" involves making continuously new memories and this new "Identity" enables me to finally live in the present because I am finally able to embrace my own "dark" and "light" sides. This is because all judgment has been eliminated by letting go of all socially and culturallyconstructed identities.  

Chapter 3

Perhaps we ALL need to recover from SOCIETY and from THE SOCIAL CONTRACT! From almost the first moment that we are born we are subjected to force. This usually begins when we are spanked into breathing our first breath. This violence is taken as a necessity. What might out lives be like if we could all go back and have a "re-do" starting with our births?

What if we could all do a kind of self "guided imagery" and go through a kind of retroactive re-birthing? Imagine that you are about to be spanked and your father, etc., rushes into the operating room and goes over to the doctor delivering you. Let's imagine the obstetrician is Ron Paul, MD!

Your father grabs Dr. Paul’s hand as he is about to spank you: Wait: if you spank my child I will sue you"! A debate between your father and Dr. Paul begins: Dr Paul says "I have to spank the infant, or the infant will die. The fathersays " There are alternatives to force, place the infant in cold water"!

Imagine that while Dr. Paul and your father are arguing,

you, turning blue from hypoxia, finally let out a laugh, by some miracle or progeria, perhaps, and you say, "I was considering withholding my breath because of all this fighting and arguing, and then I thought well I can just be alive and tell you all what idiots you all are to fight!

Dr. Ron Paul, and your dad have undergone a paradigm shift, and Dr. Ron Paul goes on to deliver babies without ever spanking them and runs and wins the 2012 US Presidency and your mom and dad brings you home and instead of EVER raisingtheir hand to hit you, they are preeminently peaceful and cheerful without ever needing to use an angry tone of voice!

They home school you, and you live a delightful life with love, humor, and kindness and serenity all around you. President Ron Paul begins his Presidency in January 2013 with his first presidential edict: All babies are to be delivered without ANY i.e., spanking violence, and the USA becomes the model for the rest of the world to raise the first generation of children that are loveable to them selves, and the entire world begins to change into ABSOLUTE lovability!

CHAPTER 4

As a female, I had previously resigned myself to a limited experience of all that life has to offer. This is because I felt that I HAD to be ACCEPTED and APPROVED OF, by my family, by society, etc. I was willing for most of my life to settle for experiencing life vicariously, through relationships, through a spouse or partner and/or through children or "substitutes" for or “as if “ children, i.e., my students, when I taught.

There is a term for women (mostly) who "settle" for taking avicarious "walk on the wild side": Hybristofilia. It's a

psychological term that is defined as romantic, etc., attraction to "bad boys", "dangerous" men, etc. I am in the process of finding and experiencing my own wild and/or dark side validity for myself, and wow what a "ride"!

I finally have an "inkling", a miniscule opening into what all my "intrusive thoughts" and self criticizing consciousness is all about. My so called "intrusive thoughts" (labeled as such by a patriarchal system that unrealistically assigns only goodness and light as appropriate to females, especially Caucasian females) were telling me to be all I could be, to go beyond social and culturally constructed "identity", to be limitless!

All my life I thought I was afraid of being abandoned. My Mom used to threaten to "give me away to the Gypsies"! Then I only wanted to please others, because I felt unworthy of even HAVING a self TO please. I was so DISCIPLINED and REPRESSED and I was especially DRAMATIC and EGOTISTICAL. Nowin a breakthrough of sorts, a paradigm shift, that was yearsin the making, I want to BE my own "dark side"!

I have learned that I can do this without any violence and or force, and I am trying to be my nonviolent dark side without any ego and or drama (save whatever is necessary in order to physically survive, that is). I believe I CAN accomplish this and I accept any and all repercussions. Ironically the results of my becoming free from social repression ARE that which I once feared, namely, being abandoned, isolated, by family, friends, etc., but most of those who have abandoned me are, I see now toxic, or maybe to be kinder, just pre-evolved, etc..

So, instead of fearing my isolation, I am reveling in it, because I have myself, my WHOLE "dark and light side" self to BE with and that wholeness is all I need and more than I can ever ask for! Besides I am now making new friends, and because I finally have self confidence, I am very discriminating, but in a good, oops, I mean in a light AND

dark way!

I know what I was truly afraid of when I was growing up: ambiguity! I used to hate any and all surprises, all unpredictable events were negative until recently. I still experience symptoms called "the startle effect". Unexpected,loud noises, or even loud voices, still make me "jump". I often "see" myself in a virtually retroactive sense, almost like a "flashback" whenever I see any injustice, bullying, etc.

It was, for a time, almost overwhelming to me, because I see what others take to be normal civility as bullying. It is, I'm sure, going to be said that I just have what is known as a "thin skin". I have heard it many times that "Youneed to toughen up", "Why do you let things bother you?" "That is just the way things are", "That is the way it is meant to be", and so on.

I have begun to see SO much incivility that even being in public requires me to be super motivated, because I much prefer to be at home alone and write. I believe I may be hyper vigilant due to a dysfunctional childhood, adolescenceand early to middle adulthood! I am beginning to "grow" thatthicker skin, but instead of being IMPERVIOUS to what I see as symbolic and/or actual violence, I now often want to try out my new found "skills" and I am still trying to use these"skills" appropriately.

However, I would do it all again, the same way, because my experiences have finally resulted in a real paradigm, evolutionarily emotional, etc., shift. Now I have begun to understand that my sensitivity has helped me and will, I hope, continue to help me gather in more and more information, which information, in turn helps me to experience, limitless creativity and innovation, and an almost UNIVERSAL EMPATHY OF AMBIGUITY.

Chapter 5

Because of my past, I relate extremely intensely to EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. Whereas most MDs, etc., would PATHOLOGIZE this sensitivity and call it adult ADD, I preferto consider it an AAF or Attention on Ambiguity Fear! Instead of being fearful of anything that is ambiguous, I see an opportunity for creativity and innovation and often, if I am lucky and disciplined enough, HUMOR! Maybe the revolutionary, Immortal Technique sings it best in "Caught In a Hustle":

”Write it down and remember that we never gave in. The mind of a child is where the revolution begins. So if the solution has never been to look in yourself, How is it that you expect to find it anywhere else”?   Perhaps my identity depended too much on conforming to the CULT in culture and the CULTURE involed in "The Social Contract. Instead of using my various identities and roles,they used me. What might we all be like if we "recovered" from all the punitive disciplining we got that involves force, starting with being spanked when we were born? R we in a CULT? the CULT URE of The Social Contract? Do we need 2recover from SOCIETY 2 find our lost sense of humor? I know what I was truly afraid of when I was growing up: ambiguity! I used to hate any and all surprises, all unpredictable events were negative until recently.

I still experience symptoms called "the startle effect". Unexpected, loud noises, or even loud voices, still make me "jump". I often "see" myself in a virtually retroactive sense, almost like a "flashback" whenever I see any

injustice, bullying, etc. It was, for a time, almost overwhelming to me, because I see what others take to be normal civility as bullying. It is, I'm sure, going to be said that I just have what is known as a "thin skin". I haveheard it many times that "You need to toughen up", "Why do you let things bother you?" "That is just the way things are", "That is the way it is meant to be", and so on.

I have begun to see SO much incivility that even being in public requires me to be super motivated, because I much prefer to be at home alone and write. I believe I may be hyper vigilant due to a dysfunctional childhood, adolescenceand early to middle adulthood! I am beginning to "grow" that thicker skin, but instead of being IMPERVIOUS to what Isee as symbolic and/or actual violence, I now often want to try out my new found "skills" and I am still trying to use these "skills" appropriately.

However, I would do it all again, the same way, because my experiences have finally resulted in a real paradigm shift. Now I have begun to understand that my sensitivity has helped me and will, I hope, continue to help me gather in more and more information, which information, in turn helps me to experience an almost UNIVERSAL EMPATHY OF AMBIGUITY.

    CHAPTER 6

I believe my identity depended too much on conforming to theCULT in culture and the CULTURE involved in "The Social Contract”. Instead of using my various identities and roles,my various identities used me! I intuitively and instinctively felt, deep down that I needed to "recover" from all the punitive disciplining I either subjected myselfto, or the discipline that others subjected me to. I knew that there was a limitless identity to be sought, I just

needed to extricate myself from my intense crisis to crisis,modus operendi. I finally “ got it” that my crisis addictedpersonality involved force, starting with being spanked when I was born! IMHO I am in a CULT, the CULT-URE of The Social Contract. I needed to recover from SOCIETY to find mylost sense of humor.

I was introduced to violence before I took my first breath. The Doctor spanked me in order to force me to breathe. This was considered acceptable. However that started the exponential multiplying of violence in my life. It is littlewonder, then, that I want to be selfish, so that all the violence can be equaled out with pleasure.

I was just a construct, a social and cultural construct, a PARTIAL "EXISTER". Actually I was only PRACTICING to BE, until "I" accepted my "dark side". "I" was hardly the "I" in"me". I was always defensive, especially emotionally. Deep down, intuitively "I" knew "I" was missing something, some part of "me".

Once I began to accept my "dark side", my "otherness", I began to BE present absolutely, and this ABSOLUTE present-ness MAY be as close to BEING free from DEFENSIVENESS, i.e.,FREE FROM worrying about any needs for privacy, and so I canbe ABSOLUTELY open, and this openness seems to be a threat to others who seem to be almost addicted to privacy.

For instance I was told that to be open with my past, my dark side past (homelessness, etc.,), my past vulnerabilitywould be offensive and “too brutal honesty”. Though I pay dearly for this openness, it is worth it, because I am "paid", or I "pay" myself with freedom from at least emotional defensiveness. (Of course in order to stay alive IHAVE to be aware of the necessity to react with physical self defensiveness, but I consider only ABSOLUTE immanent life and death issues worthy of my energy.)

Perhaps this absolute existential quality, namely the

emotional freedom from defensiveness, can only exist SUBLIMINALLY. Maybe this is an almost subliminal communication here, and perhaps this will be mostly misunderstood, but regardless of that possibility, I am enjoying communicating this, even if it results in being a communication just to myself! Even if this freedom from emotional defensiveness is a kind of SUBLIMINAL "existence",it "IS" a KIND of freedom from relativity, because I can be ABSOLUTELY obnoxious and that is, to me priceless.

CHAPTER 7 

Perhaps it is obnoxious of me to write what I am about to, however I will write it anyway: Screw all countries, all movements,(except my own healthy BOWEL MOVEMENTS! lol) I intend to forget most solidarity, BDS, etc. I am in a cult its called culture, and I want freedom, if it’s at all possible!

I want to debate all the Norman Finklesteins, the the NoamChompsky's, the "Hillary' Clinton’s" et al, about how the entire world society is a cult! What is culture, after all? Why, IT IS A CULT! Conjugate CULT (thanks to my high schoolLatin I learned English mechanics better!):I am (in a cult), you are(in a cult) he she it is(in a cult) , we are (in a cult) you(plural you) are(in a cult), they are (in a cult)!

The only way out for me, IMHO is to see society as a cult that excludes those like me who are conscious of their own dark sides, because those with ANY consciousness of ABSOLUTEinclusion threaten the EXISTENCE OF THE STATUS QUO AND THE PORNIFICATION OF FORCE!

Symptoms of the pornification of force are wars, abuses of

power that are revealed when the arrogance of relative, subjectively constructed judgment rears its ugly head. This limited judgment misinforms us that there is "the other" when the other "R" us!

The biggest illusion of all may be that of ownership of property. We hardly own ourselves, let alone can we, do we own anything (ownership is a legal fiction i.e., Joseph Proudhon "Property is Robbery") when we refuse to "own up" to even HAVING a dark side. We try to push our dark sides off, by projecting them onto "the other" whether "the other"is the immigrant or the 1%, etc.

Those who embrace their own dark sides, have included "the other" ABSOLUTELY instead of RELATIVELY. Simultaneously, they also live , love and laugh absolutely, presently, because they know that is all we really have. All their energy is FOR THE PRESENT! HA HA!

Instead of making "the other" out to be the “reason d'etre” for the emergence, the maintenance, and the PERFORMANCE of THE PORNIFICATION OF FORCE, those who accept as their IDENTITY their own dark sides, NEED only the wholeness of themselves to be existent! It's ABSOLUTE lovability. I want to kiss MYSELF all the time!

When I denied my own dark side I "lived" (if you can call it living at all, being in a zombie like state, ) ( subconsciously and/or unconsciously sensed and, perhaps unknowingly PROJECTED even SOUGHT in others the external evil that was really within ME!

This is because the pornification of force was my negative core identity, regardless of my constructed social and cultural "masks" and roles, my race, gender, ethnicity religion, etc. I have relinquished MY pornifcators of force!I have withdrawn from competitions of ego and drama and whining Olympic holocausts, because, I realize noe, my whining HAD ME! I extricated myself from the pornification

of force by discarding ALL social and cultural traditions, all countries, all governments all identities, customs, traditions, etc.

Now I have begun to make new "memories", Instead of having a past or a future I LIVE just to BE in the present PRESENT for a change! I have to have self validity. I have begun allow my BEING to emerge, so that I am a celebrity to myself. Though I am without walking on the red carpet because something tells me that when it comes to commercial celebritidom, the red carpet often walks on THEM !

CHAPTER 8

Speaking of celebrities, Sean Penn on Charlie Rose (PBS, 3/16/12) said "Celebritidom is an infection that everyone has embraced." Perhaps, what is even more accurate is that celebritidom is a virtual human virus that has "infected" everyone. Our American (or is it world wide?) obsession withcelebritidom may be a major reason that American jobs have become outsourced, instead of the outsourcing of American jobs being part of a New World Order conspiracy, i.e., what David Icke, and other conspiracy theorists contend.

Perhaps the reason so many American jobs were outsourced is because instead of Americans doing their jobs, Americans' jobs were "doing" them! Instead of taking pride in their work, most Americans, including American managers, directors, CEO's, etc., arrive at work late, (exceptions of course are airlines and other transportation companies, in fact sometimes, when planes are full they may depart BEFORE scheduled ETD, Estimated Time of Departure).

In many instances workers, etc., are no-shows, absent as much or more than they are present, and absent, mentally,

even when "present". American workers, etc., prefer long weekends, starting Wednesdays and ending Tuesdays, and when AT work they feel entitled and prefer to be on social media,etc., or if prevented from these diversions, the majority ofAmerican workers make it a point to be as obnoxious as possible, (taking "The Office" as their "working" model).

Americans all believe they are entitled to their at least 15minutes of fame and their work, either in the actual "legitimate" economy or the grey, black or shadow underground economies, is, they "reason" only the means to this end. Other countries, at least for the time being, are grateful and most importantly, more patient and professionalin their work ethic, even while being paid almost slave wages! I wish I was wrong about this, but to prove I am right, just TRY to have a debate on this, I assure you it would be prevented, BECAUSE OF DEFENSIVENESS! And the DEFENSIVENESS alone will show that this explanation is true!

Most Americans, even those with identities other than workers, prefer illusion and being dramatic and egotistical "victims" because they are all wanting to be in "reality shows" instead of being themselves authentically (meaning with awareness of their dark sides, "warts" and all) in reallife! Perhaps in the future most Americans WILL be fully employed when HOLLYWOOD arrives as the McDonalds-Walmart-Disney, etc. entertainment-employer-of record on almost every block, in every town, in every county, in every state.

Then most Americans' EGO AND DRAMA will be "hired", instead of their various fake identities, their EGO AND DRAMA will be filmed and distributed to the rest of the world! Then Americans will perhaps be fully employed and get paid for and play the roles of dramatic and egotistical buffoons for the rest of the world. This is namely what most Americans "do" best. Someday Americans may realize that instead of HAVING their ego and drama to enhance their race, gender,

ethnic, religious, etc., identity, their ego and drama identities HAVE them.

Chapter 9

I am extremely sensitive to anything that I find obnoxious (lots of TV commercials! lol ) and this coincides with my discovery that I, myself, may have recently become an "attractive nuisance"! The term "attractive nuisance" is a legal one. It means that which is so attractive it becomes disturbing, an overwhelming distraction, as opposed to a subtle distraction.

Perhaps the "root of the problem" is that we all are presented with almost limitless opportunities to be distracted, and that this is a beginning level for us to learn discipline, to "determine" freely (I know this sounds and/or is paradoxical) exactly what distractions, if any will make us the happiest. Or Perhaps the goal is to transgress, and/or transcend distractions and to emerge to aconsciousness that is so present that only life or death physicality distracts you from the present.

I have been intensely curious for what seems to be most of my life, at least since I was able to read. This curiosity, combined with an (instinctual?) awareness of and a distrust for any and all authority (now "interpreted as ODD or Oppositional Defiance Disorder) resulted in much conflict, both internally and externally. If I had my life to "do over" again, as in the film "Ground Hog Day", I wonder if a slight change in my appearance might have resulted in more opportunities to be understood. As it was, I believe I was tremendously misinterpreted by others, AND myself.

There was an aspect to my appearance that was (almost) missing, namely eyebrows! I realize now, that I was making impressions without expression. As a child, I was taken for shy, but that was a judgment made by others because I must have frightened almost everyone because my appearance resulted in making others react to emotional ambiguousness. Later, my appearance would result in psychiatrists, psychologists, etc., "diagnosing" me as being without affect, when what I really needed was eyebrows, or more defined eyebrows.

I know this may seem like it is more cosmetic than basic root causality, but as a result of replacing my lost, or almost invisible eyebrows, (and of course, concurrently finding my lost sense of humor, serendipitously) my life, myhealth, everything has changed, for the better! So it is a root cause(and I really wish my eyebrow "roots" would magically develop, as well, but I will settle for artificialeyebrow pencil for now) to and for me.

Identities, roles that I played, were distractions from my real, most essential self(that self that still exists AFTER all ego and drama "layering"), but before I was ABLE to EXPRESS that REAL self, that self that was free from roles, masks, various identities, I had to first HAVE that self TO express. Finding eyebrows HELPED me to feel LOVEABLE enough to HAVE self esteem that was free from all external "layering", namely the identities, roles, etc. Then I was OPEN to seeing my "dark side" as well as my "lght side", because I finally loved me. Almost simultaneously, I also found my lost sense of humor, too!

I was only PRACTICING to frighten others because I was too busy, too focused on frightening myself because of my appearance: I made an impression, but it was always an impression without ANY expression! That was because I was always so white, so pale that I must have always seemed unhealthy. I kind of identified with any characters that I saw on TV that were aliens from other planets. My ghostly,

ghastly (to me) appearance combined with my inner dark side may seem to be quite a dramatic story, but for me it was just my everyday existence.

My self esteem was as sparse as my eyebrows. My mom had little if any eyebrows, as well. She seemed to have a brow bone that took the place of eyebrows. She certainly did haveloads of "back bone" though. She was musically gifted, a classical pianist, maybe a genius, but she kept taking lessons, even in her 80's, to improve! In retrospect, she might have been happier had she been like her more glamoroussisters, but we will never know because she died in 2000.

I might have, likewise, avoided all glamour existence, identity, etc., for an alternative "tom-boy" like existence,but for finding my eyebrows! As a result of adding to my sparse eyebrows, I have gained a new "eye identity"! Previously I was lacking in self confidence, so much so, that I felt that instead of belonging, I was quite alien, even to myself.

Chapter 10

I used to attribute "differentiation" to all kinds of bullying, abuses, etc. For instance, one of my earliest memories was of my mother saying, numerous times: "I wish I never had you" to me and my younger brother. I drank whatever was in the liquor cabinet at 10 years of age, when my parents would go out, and continued the drinking until I was about 50 years old.

I focused on whatever it took to just survive and, possibly,as a result of this focus on only surviving, I seemed to draw into my life all kinds of crises, especially "stormy"

and unstable relationships, for the most part (an exception was my approximately 15 years with the airlines, first as astewardess with a small regional carrier, and then as a flight attendant (the job title having been upgraded) with alarger airline, and then my sometimes simultaneous 15 yearsteaching, first in k-12 public schools, and then in collegesand universities.)

I was always just living, barely living at all, always living on almost the edge of existence. I was unable to focus on future existence, except as any future existence related to an existence of the mind, because education was always stressed in my family, so it made a strong impressionon me.

Gradually, almost imperceptibly, I began to extricate myselffrom what may have been an addiction to crisis. I began to become aware of how the crises of my childhood made up a kind of a practice identity that I believed was what I had to master in order TO survive at all. I BELIEVED CRISIS WAS LIFE ITSELF!

Then I believed for the longest time that I just HAD to makestability somehow come out of the chaos that was my childhood and family existence. Now I know that the ANXIETY OF AMBIGUITY can be a source of much creativity, innovation and pleasure, if it can be viewed as possibility, potentiality, instead of only the "dark (shameful ie, being the "black sheep of a family, etc.,) side" of life.

Now I know that kind of survival was wanting to hang onto a crisis identity, basically a family identity, even the despised black sheep identity, at any cost rather that risk choosing a powerful identity of my own making, namely "giving birth" to a family of oneself.

It took me a long time to take the, at first, baby steps needed to stop being the baby that my mother never wanted togrow up, to stop being an naive subject of my mother's

manipulative social "engineering". She wanted the three of her children to remain under her emotional control, as if she could "play" her children like the notes on her piano.

It took many years of patiently, and sometimes impatiently, being resilient to get to know what I was missing: eyebrows!I am grateful that I "paid my dues" and had a RELATIVELY hard early, adult, etc., life, (who has an ABSOLUTELY hard life, after all if you at least survive) because I now can enjoy the little things in life, like the basics in life.

I am finally able to take QUALITY OF LIFE ISSUES less seriously (perhaps I still take life and death issues too seriously, who knows?) This MAY be because I found my lost sense of humor. I'm trying to make my work be the play I missed out on, due to a childhood, etc., taken too seriously.

Chapter 11

What really helped me a lot was "re-doing" some aspects of my childhood by imagining I could go back in time, like in the film “Groundhog Day and when my Mother said to me "I wish I never had you" I was able to undo the hurt retroactively by saying to her "Mom, please say that again, but this time without the negative" (So she instead tells mewhat she wished she had.) Alternatively `” I say "But Mom, instead of you having me, I HAD you"! lol

I found my true identity when I found my lost sense of humor. As a result of being able to take myself less seriously I began to finally realize that I was abnormally

pale and eyebrow "challenged"! Up until then I was kind of "anonymous" to myself. In other words I was in denial about my reality.

Like my mother, I always looked very Irish in an unhealthy, anemic way and I had sparse eyebrows and I was unable to or too impatient to fill in my eyebrows. I realize now that foralmost 50 years my appearance, especially an abnormally paleskin color and my face being without eyebrows, (well, practically speaking, almost without eyebrows), gave me an unearthly appearance, ghostlike. I frightened people. In other words, I made a ghostly impression because I had zero expression! I appeared and was judged to be without AFFECT! I appeared to be totally ambiguous!

I seemed so alien in my appearance, I may have generated fear in others. I only knew and was experienced at reacting intensely to others automatic fear response. I wanted to go THROUGH life almost as if on auto pilot, reacting, instead of making a life and an identity for myself. I wanted to give up or give back any power, and any responsibility, because I preferred REACTING in ways that were predictable.

I despised surprise! However I began to "bloom" late, you could say I was a late bloomer, baby boomer! Specifically, what helped me to bloom was the concept of "less IS more". After hearing it many times, I began to take baby steps to actually live it. I began to be attracted to and curious about the smallest nuances of my own, mostly isolated, existence, instead of being curious about others.

Whereas formerly I attempted to live almost vicariously through others, trying to live a secondary existence as the reaction to others energy, and other's motivations, now I would start with baby steps begin to risk to live for me. I began to notice all the subtle details of life around me andthese gave me great pleasure.

I realized that I had allowed all my energy to be focused on

trying to figure out what made other people APPEAR confident. Now, instead of limiting myself to merely havingthe APPEARANCE of having confidence, I want to spend all mytime finding my SELF VALIDITY IDENTITY in subtle pleasures.For me this means that I seek to risk finding myself, AND myidentity, IN subtle pleasures, like FEELING what my identitymight be like to myself, if I had my identity in a kind of less is more "currency", instead of the intense drama and ego type identities that I previously was “addicted” to.

CHAPTER 12

I started by listening more and more to my instincts, especially after a few, or maybe many, "wake up" calls that were close to, if not actual, near death experiences. Being grateful for many second chances helped me to see the difference between quality of life issues , and life and death issues. I began to relax more and more when I gave myself permission to stop trying so hard to be around others, and instead started spending much needed time with myself.

First there was a lot of sleeping. There was SO much sleeping that I might be appropriately called by the nick name Ripette, for the female version of Rip Van Winkle! Thisalmost voluntary "coma" down time was productive in so many ways. I began to keep a dream journal and this was dream "work", as well as de-stressing and emotional recuperation,

and rejuvenation. I needed this for energy replacement due to depletion of my humanity resources (nerves, etc.) due to always reacting to what seemed to me to be other's confidentportrayal of their identities.

Taking a kind of voluntary coma, or, more correctly LETTING the voluntary “coma” take me, seemed to release me from the habit of “stuffing” and thus empowering my negative intrusive thought , namely my negative intrusive thought HADME! I was able to free these negative intrusive thoughts by interpreting them with aspects of my newly emerged and newly engaged “dark humor” side! I was finding a humorous side to everything, there was limitless comedy, and spontaneous IMPROV! Though some others thought my dark humor was pure insensitivity, I NEEDED dark humor as a kind of ANTIDOTE to my many decades of almost ABSOLUTE SERIOUSNESS!

I began to try to just entertain myself, instead of worryingif my words would be offensive. Soon I began doing IMPROV comedy. But instead of the kind of humor that is disparaginghumor, (the kind of "laughter" that is really based on ridiculing self or other) IMPROV HUMOR is spontaneous, because it is laughter in and for, itself. This kind of free, almost internal laughter that is almost irrepressible,is so natural, it is like breathing, It releases YOU when itis released, it PAYS you in terms of gratitude with a deep soul tickle pleasure, a natural “High”. It is competitive, yet egoless surprise after surprise, laughter that amazes me, after the fact, that is, because all the focus is on thepleasure instead of on THE COMMERCIALITY and/or the externalapproval, i.e., others laughing because I am focused on selfentertainment! IMPROV HUMOR allows you to free yourself from your ego and be omni potently childlike! With each laughter experience, upon reflection, I obtained new awareness. I became more and more confident that I had finally FOUND my lost sense of humor! The laughter is part of limitless gratitude for the humor that is even better than all orgasms and all the money, fame, and power there ever was and /or can and will be! IMPROV freedom or improve

limitlessness is mostly due to becoming aware of and loving all of my personality, the dark side that was formerly attributed to demon like "others" is reunited to "take down"the arrogance of the judgment of my “goodness”, “light side”, etc.

The process involves doing the hard work involved in looking for and locating my lost sense of humor. The best way to deal with my dark and light side was to see the drama and ego in both sides of me and use that natural resource energy to MINE thehumanity of humor's love and/or love's humor.

I stopped my MO (Modus Operandi, again I am reminded that I am grateful that my Mom insisted I take Latin in high school, lol) of being secretive, because I had kept my own “dark side” (addictive type personality, etc.,) so hidden, and I had SO OVER PERFORMED my light (“saint” and/or heroine-like sides, that I had become ANONYMOUS to myself! I had determined finally to choose to laugh at obnoxiousnessbecause the alternative was to or cry at the loss of my sense of humor.

  CHAPTER 13

Perhaps it is up to women such as me"(and/or perhaps metrosexuals, too) to re-imagine the Marxist imperative: tobe: “Women and metrosexuals of the world unite!" Let's take "Lysistrata (where women, et al, withhold sex from men until they stop warring) to a new meta level. Let's use our communication while we still can (who knows if the censors will be monitoring everyone soon, if it has yet to happen? )to deal with the "phallic root problem".

Let's try to look at men in the best light that they can be

seen: let's suppose that men are unaware that they are bullies at all. (Listen to what I virtually “hear” now: (Men saying):"Why, it is the women that are the bullies, or the bully-ettes, because they withhold what we want, or makeus jump through hoops to get to their vaginas!”

Maybe we SHOULD give men some slack, they hardly asked to BEthe mostly, larger physical specimens that they are. Why, they even hardly KNOW that they have more strength than women! Often, enough, instead of HAVING their strength, men's strength HAS them! It is likewise for their phallic root cause: men hardly HAVE their phallic root cause, because their phallic root cause HAS them! Men hardly use their phallic root cause to "take" women, etc., as reward "spoils" of their unequaled physical power. Men have, as extensions of that unequal physical power, more opportunities, more advantages ( Can you hear the men all claiming "FOUL" Women have more advantages they get to TAKE our phallic root cause anytime they want, we men and our phallic root cause is VULNERABLE to all women" The real VULNERABILITY is that men's phallic root cause takes the women for and in place of them. Instead of HAVING ANY intentat all, men's phallic root cause HAS their INTENT for, and in place of them having any intent for themselves.

Let’s start telling men what we want them to hear, feel, understand, etc., by "talking" to their phallic root causes.Let's tell their phallic root causes that we know it is "they", men’s second "heads" that is the malefactor of all the problems in the world and that we, women (and "metrosexuals", etc.) are united to take all of you "down" (virtually “hear” the collective "DROOP" of all the collective erections around the male world, lol) and then all over the world let's watch as all phallic root causes retreat.

Perhaps all the phallic root causes in the world will get together and after a sufficient time of mourning for their pyrrhic loss, they can re-emerge WITHOUT THE EGO, that was

false confidence anyway, to transcend their former warring, competitive, un-natures to re-join us women with their cooperative selves.

Instead of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", maybe,though, men are "derived" from an ego "gene" and maybe womenare "derived" from a drama "gene"? Or better still maybe we all derive from a "gene" of obnoxiousness? Or maybe we are all just “viruses that multiply reproductively> After all, “The Octomom” had so many babies at one time it was almost alitter, so maybe we all are the universes’ virus litters!

CHAPTER 14

Maybe we all, men and women need to “be taken down a peg from our arrogance about being “Higher life forms than animals or even rocks, etc. Do we all just IMAGINE that we can control life, when perhaps all life controls us? Maybe our attempts at "control" gives a Cosmic Operating Principle(COP) the energy to make black holes that are composed of flatulence! Imagine that we are all just human viruses inside of the COP. This COP FEELS all its human viruses, allthe world's families, races, all the genders, all the religions arguing, fighting, warring, over "Life and Death" issues, and this COP knows that what we CALL "Life and Death" issues are just symptomatic results of us all being mere "human" viruses! The only time this COP becomes intensely interested are the very rare times when some of its human viruses sense intuitively and instinctively how insignificant they are, and then communicate that through SUBLIMINAL HUMOR, which the COP feels as a kind of cosmic orgasm!

What the COP is most curious about may be the few times when

we HUMAN VIRUSES "get it"! Like when Michael Richards learnswhat it is like to be humbled, when as a result of using the"N" word, Richards finally learned that his own language used him instead of vice versa. The COP pays close attentionon occasions, like when Charlie Sheen gets an inkling that maybe all his money, and all his fame, and all his past has been a JOKE ON HIM! The COP notes when IMF banker-type viruses get "cleaned up" by maids, too. Similarly, the COP stretches cosmic "muscle strings", when our greatest "viruses" make fun of themselves i.e., when Einstein sticks his tongue out in a photo that goes exponentially "viral"! The COP is especially thrilled, and lets out a cosmic burp that re-orders chaos every so often, when a philosopher-typecomedian like Socrates comes along and says he knows that hedoes not know!

Perhaps we will all provide the biggest laugh of all to the COP when, as our viral DNA evolves to the point, maybe sooner than later, that we all help the digestion of the COPwhen we pre-digest OURSELVES with atomic, nuclear warfare! Such a "catastrophe" would only be the equivalent of a spicymeal to the COP!

All human viruses, with few exceptions, are unaware that they all are nuclear "war heads" themselves and are just infecting each other with their viral "cancer" of their own self-hatred, and the only immunity they have are the very few anti-viruses that speak a subliminal language of "humor immunity".

This humor anti-virus remains un-interpreted because the viruses are all propelled by their spiraling, out of control, evolutionarily determined DNA, to commit suicide, i.e., become digested, used for cosmic energy, and eventually eliminated, by the COP. Only the subliminal anti-virus, like the humor from Bill Maher, and others like him will affect the COP and make any difference, otherwise, the COP will let out a big, long, deep sigh of gratitude and be able to go to sleep, because the accident that was "us" will

have been eliminated and flushed away into the universes' "toilet".

CHAPTER 14

Society, CULT-URE (CULTURE, may, in fact BE a CULT) and allof LAW (LAW may be FLAW) is a scam to bully us into a social contract based on money.

If you have enough money, you can buy the world! If you have enough money you can even determine who lives and who dies, and who governs, who gets policed, who gets educated,who gets groomed, vetted, recruited occupationally, politically, etc., because you can use your money to directall of society, all of CULT-URE, all of law by determining law(i.e., Citizens v United, a supreme court decision states that corporations are people and can therefore provide limitless funds to candidates).

If you have enough money you can engineer public opinion todehumanize, and demonize and neutralize and criminalize or even assassinate those who dare to tell the truth to power (money). If you have enough money you can determine what Big (and little) Pharma does research on. and who Big (and Little) Pharma targets for drugs.

If you have enough money you can even paralyze the evolution of capitalism, itself. If you have enough money, you can decide what is good and what is evil, even what is human and what is artificial, because you can control the INFORMATION that all of society and all of CULT-URE, and LAW/FLAW receive about artificial intelligence, the human genome, etc.

If you have enough money, you can say and exponentially multiply your definition of what are human rights and humanduties through MSM (Main Stream Media) and most toothless alternative media, as well!

The truth is, or may be, though, that when you base your, life, your power, and your very identity on the BELIEF in ownership of money as power, property, and identity itself,that instead of having, owning, the property, the power OR the identity, the power, the property, the identity and themoney OWNS you! In order to retrieve ourselves from money, we may all have to "go on strike" against it.

We may all have to open our windows, those of us lucky enough to be indoors WITH windows, TO open, that is, and shout out "I refuse to be in the social contract any more until and unless the social contract is IN me, until I HAVEa ME to be IN the social contract WITH"! We need to say it , yell it, scream it, whisper it, etc., over and over until we begin to HEAR that instead of even HAVING our voice, we see, hear, understand, reflect, feel, that our VOICE, our autonomy, our human essence HAS US! Then perhapsafter sufficiently exhausting ourselves, we all need to refuse to be part of the social contract, we need to withdraw our implied and expected consent from the bullying, symbolic and actual violence that IS all of society and all of CULT-URE, all of LAW?FLAW and all of money!

Chapter 15

We can, little by little, gradual retrieve of our essence, our HUMAN ESSENCE, by all of us INDIVIDUALLY becoming

SOMEWHAT withdrawn from the bullying process that society is, by becoming civil to ourselves BEFORE we are civil to others, even our, god forbid! our families of origin! We can, for instance begin to "sleep in" more in order to begin to undo the stress that society and CULTURE, LAW/FLAW, MONEY and yes, even, (especially?) our family places upon us.

We can start with “baby steps.” Instead of answering the phone with curiosity of who is calling, we can state a demand for what we want and what we deserve. I often answer my phone with "Make me laugh, or I am hanging up!”instead of "Hello". You can come up with what is your own unique, priority "answer" to the ringing request for YOU. I sometimes just answer the phone with “This is Barbara”, because I prefer making statements rather that asking “Hello”, because along with “Hello” the unspoken question “Who is this?” is implied- though with caller ID ,if you have it (I have pre caller ID enabled phones) calls can be pre screened.

You may say to yourself and/or to others something like” I am on strike against all of society and all of CULT-URE andall of LAW/FLAW", or something to the effect that: “I are working on there being a ‘me” TO answer the phone, so "I" am only PRACTICING to answer the phone, at this time”, etc.You may decide to go on a general HUMAN strike, and insteadof going to work, you may decide to go to bed. We all deserve to recuperate FROM the PTSD bullying, the symbolic and actual violence that IS all of society, all of CULT-UREand all of LAW/FLAW and money.

Before you say to yourself that you need society, CULT-URE and LAW/FLAW and money in order TO live in the first place,think about how and IF you ARE surviving at all, in fact. Perhaps we are all just going through the motions of survival, as if on auto pilot. Perhaps instead of LIVING, distractions and denials do the living and the surviving inplace of us.

A good test is to see if you even CAN EXTRICATE yourself from your society, for even just a while. See if your society, or your family of origin, or even your significantother VALUES you, your right to withdraw long enough to recuperate from all the trauma of what society is. See if society, etc., immediately starts devaluing you, even callsyou crazy, etc., in a reaction to what is, in reality, you reclaiming yourself FOR/TO YOURSELF.

Society may DISOWN you, attempt to shame and make you into a pariah and try to force you to continue "BEING" the illusion that you are to yourself, a slave to society, etc.

Chapter 16

Of course we all need our basic needs met and we have to use something to achieve that, even if and or when we are isolated, temporary, etc., recluses. There are alternativesto money, i.e., bartering, etc. What is important after weprovide our most basic ABSOLUTE human needs to ourselves, is to think about what excessive money is DOING to you: Money is making you defensive.

Those of you who are reading this that have a lot of money (relatively speaking, that is, meaning beyond what is needed for basic survival) may have become anxious because money may be your priority, your belief system by which youorder your life, Money may be your life fantasy, your PERFORMANCE life fantasy that you take as BEING LIFE ITSELF!

Money may be your "drug" of choice, and if your belief in the illusion that it is, is taken away, you may be thrust into an anxiety of ambiguity, which is similar to what may happen if you risk daring to even question whether others are a toxic FORCE symbolically and/or actually bullying youand demanding that "you" remain an ILLUSION to "YOU" by remaining co-opted in society, CULT-URE, LAW/FLAW!  

 Ego and drama limited me to performing for others. Needingexternal social and cultural acceptance prevented me from creating my performing for and with myself. I began my lifein oppositional defiance to the female gender, I was a "tom-boy". Then I tried to "belong" as a female, always being mystified by what seemed to be feminine charm.

I started breaking free from social and cultural identities, and this freed up my energies and allowed me toexist for and with my self. This emerging identity, call itmy own unique femaleness, etc., now "performs" for me. Thisis a kind of confidence that has been earned by risking to go beyond what is considered to be politically correct, especially embracing what is uniquely and instinctually andintuitively intimate to me: my dark "side" as well as my light "side".

I have dared to consider what others want to deny exists, and for that I have been branded an "inconvenient female", called "Mr. Todish", been banned by academic associations, thoroughly dehumanized, demonized and, though it is practically impossible to prove it, I may even be the subject of a witch hunt, or worse. Instead of remaining emotionally defensive and reactive, I have, whenever, and wherever possible, begun to be intentional skeptical, (some say I’m obnoxious) instead of naive. I have begun putting the groundwork in place for an OBNOXIOUSNESS OLYMPICS!

This is because IMHO, it seems like just about everything

and everybody is obnoxious these days,(granted the majorityof people, or more accurately, "sheeple", want to deny thatobnoxiousness is what we take for "civility" today) from negative political ads, to all advertising, and just about all communication.

I have decided to try to commercialize and monetize obnoxiousness and turn it into a substitute for money! Imagine who will have the advantage in this kind of obnoxiousness: those who have embraced their DARK SIDES! Those who have DENIED their DARK SIDES would be "penniless"! What exquisite justice that would be!

Those who welcome their dark sides as an essential electrictype "currency" will have "cornered" this new "energy-commodity-utility" and will be able to "market" it as "holding companies" that others can buy "stock" in. Only those with their dark energy sides freely "outed" would be considered as "transformer-performers" in life, whereas allothers would be considered apprentices, performers-in-training.

Chapter 17

But seriously, though, I HAVE tried to transcend performance while trying to be within the acceptable, politically correct boundaries of social, cultural norms (except when and if the most rudimentary physical core of my being is immediately and absolutely, instead of relatively, i.e., dramatically, at risk) and THAT IS A POOREXCUSE FOR LIFE, IMHO! All the money, all the awards, all the external adoration in and of the world, is worthless if you have to deny any part of you, because when you deny

your dark side, you deny part of your confidence! When you allow your entire self to emerge, then you can bring that entire self to any and all of your life performance!

With this complete confidence, then you can evolve. This next step in evolutionary development may be transcending performance altogether, and all identity, as well: race, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. In other words, you become so confident that you want a challenge instead of wanting identity, etc. Of course for this to be an optimal challenge, namely the "OBNOXIOUSNESS OLYMPICS", there first, out of necessity, must be basic existence for all "entrants", where the basic necessities of life are present. Without basic necessities any identity at all, andany intent is premature because instead of having existence, existence HAS you, your identity, your intent, etc.

In addition to "The Obnoxiousness Olympics" perhaps we needa way to transcend all communication so that instead of JUDGING what is OBNOXIOUS or even what is funny, we ABSOLUTELY become the identity instead of judge it! Subliminal limitlessness!

 

EPILOGUE

In other words, maybe we are mere toxic viral FUNGAL parasites IN the COP! Perhaps we are all cosmic parasites in the COP and the COP is host to our pre evolution. If we are cosmic parasites perhaps we have a responsibility to transcend our toxicity by and through love and through love

(self validity, etc.,) evolution the process we are going through in the COP, may be the way to transcendent evolution.  Whether I am a virus, etc., I still go on now trying to be aware of what I call SUBLIMINAL TRANSCENDENCE. Perhaps just focusing on being totally, or as much as is possible, IN the present IS being subliminal. To put it simply, I now always try to BE present without ego and drama.

Anyway, awareness is still very new to me. I just "existed",robot like, until recently, and since I "found" my lost sense of humor and started taking EVERYTHING less seriously,except for ABSOLUTELY IMMANENT life or death issues, of course) life has been, well, LIMITLESS love and humor and CONFIDENCE. (Part of the confidence is that I regained self esteem (or obtained it for the very 1st time, perhaps) via sleeping a lot! (I "put" myself in a kind of voluntary "coma", I call myself Ripette Van Winkle! lol) There are some other things, kind of hints, concepts, etc., almost magic "tricks" that worked for me that I want to share, i.e., in this book, etc.

Imagine a "Social Torture Olympics" where we all compete with how we have all undergone social torture, if not actual, physical torture. Sometimes, we endure both. Perhapswe all dramatize social and even physical torture- because, as Nietzsche said: "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger"!