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ALL AGES

The A-Z of

Moustache Rock!

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THE NNERVE HIT SSQUAD

King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief)Bradley C. Damsgaard

editor@thenervemagazine.com

Pistol Whipper(a/k/a Music Editor)

Sarah Rowlandsarah@thenervemagazine.com

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Adrian Mackmack@thenervemagazine.com

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Pierre Lortieproduction@thenervemagazine.com

2 Bit Rounders (a/k/a Editorial Assistants)

Music Ed’s Mom, Ryan Calvery

Weapons Cleaner(a/k/a Article Editor)

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Surveillance Team(a/k/a Photographers)

Laura MurrayJeremy Van Nieuwkerk

Launderer(a/k/a Book Editor)

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The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics)

Pierre Lortie, Aina Young, Kevin Angel

The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers)Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy

TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam,Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Billy Hopeless,D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann,

Adrian Mack, Jake Poole, Max Crown, 8-Ball, Jono Jak, Jake Warren

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Sue Hobler

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Brad Damsgaard, Kevin Angeladvertise@thenervemagazine.com

Cover Photo: Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk

Out-of-town Connections (a/k/a Distribution and Street Team)Calgary: Rick Overwater, Mike Taylor.Edmonton: Freecloud Records Graeme

MacKinnon, Lindsey McNeill. Winnipeg:Phil and Ryan of Steel Capped Records,

Victoria/Whistler: Jono Jak,Seattle/Bellingham: Frank Yahr

The Nerve is published monthly by The NerveMagazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writersand artists do not necessarily reflect those of TheNerve Magazine or its editors... First publishingrights only are property of The Nerve Magazinebecause we have no desire to “own” you. The Nervedoes not accept responsibility for content in adver-tisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse anyadvertisement or submission and accepts no responsi-bility for unsolicited manuscripts or artwork.Copyright 2004

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Lick my decals off, baby!!!

Jake Warren insists that Span are the best band in Victoriabut never mentions how “un-punk” they look.

Urge’s Nash Kato reveals to Smails and Spackler why his testicles have such a lovely shine.

Starting with Hitler,the moustache haslong been the outrerocker’s best friend.The Nerve gives youthe full shave

NoMeansNo, The Hangmen, Side 67 and The Grind Tour.

Starvin Hungry, The Pink Mountaintops and more! Plus! Ournew favourite: Worst CD!!!

15

Off the Record 18

Ainsworth 25Film 24

Crossword 27Nerveland Smut Ranch 27

Skate Spot 25

The Radio 9

Span 21

Urge Overkill 11

Adrian Mack is an Idiot

Live Wires 22

Crystal Pistol 13

He’s so stupid, he’s not even in this issue.

Pink Floyd, drugs, schizophrenia and The Smurfs... Butenough about Brad! An extraordinary revelation courtesy ofThe Radio.

CCCC oooo vvvv eeee rrrr SSSS tttt oooo rrrr yyyy

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Cheap Shotz 7Sarah says her goodbyes with her top 10 Nerve moments.

Cougie’s Night Out 7

CougCougarar

7

Cheap Shotz By Sarah Rowland Cougie’s Night OutPhotos by Casey Cougar

What: Nerve Records and LongshotMusic Showcase

Who: SpreadEagle, Red Hot Lovers,the Excessives, Sound CityHooligans

When: Saturday, May 8th @ PurpleOnion. It was also MY BIRTHDAYplus there was a shooting and, asan added bonus, a couple stabbingsout on the street! Charlie Horse (Red Hot Lovers)

lookin’ VERY foxy (sans glasses).

Meggers (SpreadEagle’s mascot) andMiss Kitten (Ultravixens Peep show,Sex Wolf two).

Guess who????

Longshot’s Mike Joe came allthe way from Brooklyn togive me the bumps.

Fat Chris with his fat fist.

Meggers, Jenni, Christine & Jill havin’ a Missionreunion in the can.

Randy Romance (Red HotLovers, Gung-Hos) doin’ whathe does.

Esther the Molester.

Here are my top ten reasons why I’llmiss this God-forsaken hell-hole.

1. Working with the incomparable Mr. Mack.Not only did I have the distinct honour of collaboratingwith one of Canada’s greatest writers, I also made afriend for life. For example, Mack was really there forme when I received hate mail from a disgruntledemployee who kept referring to himself in third personas Billy Hopeless. In return, I lent Mack a shoulder tocry on when he was unceremoniously kicked out of aKarla Homolka chatroom. Because of our friendship,we’ve both been able to move on. Today, he happilysurfs ratemyboner.com and I don’t talk to Hopeless.2. Nerve Brain with Badly Damaged Medical definition: Cerebral Nerveencephali-tis. Onlythose who work in the Nerve orifice as much as BadlyDamaged and myself can understand this heinous sideeffect of post-production. Effecting one in ten editors,symptoms may include a shortness of breath, wakingup at 5 am with a vice clamped to your pounding heartand an electric storm of typos short-circuiting yoursynapses. This acute syndrome may also result in spas-tic self-doubting questions like, “What if you lost allobjectivity when you wrote about your ex-boyfriend?”“What if you made him out to be a drugbag?” “What if,on some unconscious level, you sullied his goodname?” It’s only when the Nerve Brain episode sub-sides that you can answer these internal quandarieshonestly. In my case, the answers to these questions areas follows: yes, yes and the bastard deserved it.3. Red Hot Lovers at Naughty Camp 2003My only regret is not using my position of power totake advantage of frontman Danny Danger.4. Jason Ainsworth (see exhibit 4)Oh yah, my other only regret is using my position ofpower to take advantage of my slutbag co-worker.Especially when I found out I wasn’t the only one hemounted on the Xerox machine that fateful night at thestaff Christmas party. But unlike the members of theStanley Park Cruisers (see exhibit 4A), I used a con-dom. 5. Turbonegro in SeattleAfter months of bagging a cheap imitator in a tributeband, it was nice to experience the real Euroboy live.6. Stalking the Riverboat Gamblers: If you haven’theard of them, you will (Are you reading this Emily?).These Texan rock stars are full of southern charm until,that is, bassist Patrick Lillard has a few. I believe hispick-up line was, “Do you girls like to be shat uponduring sex?” Answer Key: Only if you spoon me after.7. wendythirteen’s smiling face gracing The NervecoverI thought maybe if I put the First Lady of WesternCanadian punk on the cover, she would talk to me at theCobalt rather than looking through me with her cold,dead stare. No such luck. But her e-mails are a littlefriendlier. 8. Chasing Casey CougarNot big on deadlines, but still it was nice to have a lit-tle injection of estrogen into the Nerve’s sausage party.Seriously though, I’ll miss her drunken interviews.Take care, Casey, and if I get wind of you handing inyour assignments on time for Mack, I’ll cunt you down,bee-yatch. 9. Dining with James Farwell. My attempt at writing punk’s answer to Jan Wong’scolumn was based on the premise that rock stars shouldmake me dinner in exchange for press ink. But my firstinstallment ended up being my last. It turns out there’snot a huge crossover readership between the Nerve andthat cunt Back East. Furthermore, James Farwell fromS.T.R.E.E.T.S. was the only one game. Although hemade a great tofu dish, I wasn’t too crazy about the PegBundy ashes in my mashed potatoes.10. Everybody ElseI will miss pistol-whipping the following people: JonoJak (who will always be My Sweetness), the Pooles,the Hopes, Ryan Calvery, Jon Azpiri, Kevin Angel, 8-Ball, Pierre Lortie, Laura Murray, Jeremy VanNieuwkerk, Roche, Mom, Jake Warren, Chris Read,Aine Young, Chris from Rebel Spell and Mr. Conner.

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BeLiEVEEVERYTHINGYOU Hear

MATTHEW BARBER THE STORY OF YOUR LIFEFeaturing "WE'RE GONNA PLAY""... packs a raw, energetic punch - with songs that bring

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THE MAGNETIC FIELDS iFeaturing "I THOUGHT YOU WE'RE MY BOYFRIEND""Pop hasn't seen a lyricist of Merritt's kind and

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MUSE ABSOLUTIONFeaturing "TIME IS RUNNING OUT"“adopting Radiohead's bombastic Bends approach and

adding prog-rock-style instrumental virtuosity.”

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RON SEXSMITH RETRIEVERFeaturing "WHATEVER IT TAKES""Canadian sensitive-guy songwriter dives headlong into

pop, emerges with his best collection." **** BLENDER

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THE STREETS A GRAND DON’T COME FOR FREEFeaturing "FIT BUT YOU KNOW IT""his singular blend of British garage and straightforward

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SECRET MACHINES NOW HERE IS NOWHEREFeaturing "SAD AND LONELY""(The Secret Machines) layer molten elements of My

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of a rich base of Rush and Led Zeppelin..."

— ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

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WILCO A GHOST IS BORN"Truly a

remarkable record." — MOJO

www.wilcoworld.net

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STORY OF THE YEAR PAGE AVENUEFeaturing "ANTHEM OF OUR DYING DAY"IN CONCERT JULY 13 AT THUNDERBIRD STADIUM"Page Avenue is packed with quality and

variety at every turn" — RATED MAGAZINE

www.maverick.com

VON BONDIES PAWN SHOPPE HEARTFeaturing "C'MON C'MON"IN CONCERT JUNE 15 AT RICHARDS ON RICHARDS**** - Q Magazine

***** - Kerrang!

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THE STILLS LOGIC WILL BREAK YOUR HEARTFeaturing "STILL IN LOVE SONG"IN CONCERT JUNE 15 AT COMMODORE BALLROOM

"Mope-rock never felt so good. 4 out of 5 stars"

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AVAILABLE JUNE 22

I’ve come to the sun-dappled heart of deep-est Kits to discuss some crypto-history withRay W. Down of Vancouver’s splendid the

Radio, whose HQ seems to have been conjuredout of Phil Dick’s A Scanner Darkly. Fittingly,I’m interested in his theories concerning thefate of Syd Barrett, the storied founding mem-ber of Pink Floyd and psychedelic pioneer. Tomost of us, Barrett’s extraordinary tale ends inhis mother’s basement in Cambridge in theearly seventies, cut down by what is variouslysaid to be schizophrenia, lysergic madness oran untenable surplus of creativity. Whatever thediagnosis, the poor fucker took an all-timechampion dive from the heights of popular andartistic success to dribbling incoherence in abreathtakingly short time. In the forty yearssince, whilst being nursed and protected byfamily, the polite wisdom is that after the break-down Syd dried up musically and emotionallyhe was simply out of reach.

Ray has another view entirely and hepulls out a dog-eared copy of The Smurf’s AllStar Show LP, proceeding directly to track 10,“The Silly Shy Smurf”. We listen to it at 16RPM (which means, kids, at the wrong speed)and the sound is ponderous and obese (if obesewere a sound). It’s actually quite alarming ifyou’ve spent any time falling in love with themusic of Syd Barrett because, well…thissounds like Syd Barrett, goddammit. Raysmiles at me ‘cos he knows what’s goingthrough my head. I point out that the accent andcadence fit and Ray picks up the thread, “yes,the phrasing too. And the harmonies are a per-fect take on Piper-era Pink Floyd.” The middleeight bars settles it though. Barrett would typi-cally go left, not right. Here are the Smurfsdoing the same thing. On the song “SpaceSmurf”, Ray becomes even more Barrett-olog-ical picking out a weird minor chord. “Thatnote right there is total Barrett,” he says, “Not alot of people do that either. It’s pretty charac-teristic and it’s not easy to do.”

“Why’d you pick up the record in the

first place?” I ask.“The cover was so classic,” he

answers, “I picked it up at a flea-market andtook it home and got myself into the psyche-delic state of mind and listened to some of thesongs and they sounded pretty interesting.”

“But why would you listen to them atthe wrong speed?”

“Just because…” he smiles, which isexplanation enough for me.

The Smurfs have long attracted AcidHead theorists (like in the movie Slacker) due,I think, to its characteristic Euro-ineptitudewhich always comes off as alien or slightlybrain-damaged. There are vast Aryan nationsover there involved in the business of not get-ting it and the Smurfs are a solid example ofwhat that phenomenon looks and sounds like.It’s therefore unsurprising that a bright and I’dsay largely mischievous pundit like Ray wouldconjure his own mad ideas from the results.Except that once you slow it down, it reallydoes sound like Syd Barrett. No…REALLY!

Ray continues, “I tried to trackdown…all four (LPs) which were recordedtotally independently of the TV show and noneof the characters from the show are in therecords…no Brainy Smurf, Papa Smurf…Idon’t think Smurfette is ever in it.”

The records seem to come from awhole different franchise, I say. Ray concurs.

“For sure…. there’s actually very lit-tle to nothing on the internet about it. Butthere’s a lot of stuff about the show.”

The only thing we know for certain isthat the Barrett-esque material that appearsintermittently over four albums is the work ofone composer, Barry Corbett (hmmm), andthat’s pretty much it.

Corbett’s contributions soar abovethe rest. “Silly Shy Smurf”, to these ears, pos-sesses an exquisitely lachrymose frisson. Itmight, in its heightened infantilism, be describ-ing Syd’s mammoth regression. “He better gethold of himself,” goes the doleful chorus. It’sraw enough to be uncomfortable- hardly veryuseful on a kid’s record and yes, I am talking

about a track on The Smurf’s All Star Show.“There are two ways of looking at it,”

reasons Ray. “It’s Barrett himself or it’s some-one in Holland who’s influenced by him and ifthat’s the case, who is this guy? I want more!”It’s sure unusual that our unbottled Google-verse provides only Blind Alleys and DeadEnds. Jesus – even Thomas Pynchon has beensending out flares recently. Corbett, pleasestand up!

To further confuse matters, SydBarrett’s sister has confessed that the legendaryshut-in was perhaps not so shut in after all.“….Like once a year Syd goes to London tocheck out the art museums,” Ray tells me, “andshe mentioned that…he’s still got his acousticguitar and he’s still writing songs. It’s not ahuge distance from Cambridge to Holland...”At this point I recall a curious picture of Sydtaken at a Village Fete in 1979. There’s a twin-kle in his eye that belongs to a saner personrather than a legendary burn-out. Says Ray,“yeah that’s the time-frame we’re looking at.He looks pretty together in that picture.” Sohow about the skeptics, I ask. “There’s no partsthat don’t fit and there’s not a scrap of evidenceto the contrary,” he replies. “I’m not sure if Ibelieve it myself, but…” he continues, “Even ifit’s not Syd, this guy happens to sound likehim.”

Then he gets all clever on me: “Acoincidence is where skeptics and believerskind of cross paths and they’ve got differentbeliefs about these facts…” meaning that nei-ther one of ‘em is certifiably wrong…right?Bottom line: There’s NOTHING on thisCorbett guy, so why not?

One thing we can say for sure is thatthere’s a history of psychedelic infiltration intochildren’s entertainment and to that end Raycites the song “Smurfing Beer”.

“The lyrics have this weird sugges-tiveness to them…it’s like ‘beer, beer, smurfingbeer, you don’t get drunk and it isn’t beer’”.

He also points out that the typicalSmurf home is carved into a mushroom.

“Sleep Until the Brand New Day” is

Corbett’s last statement from the Best ofFriends LP. It’s a beautiful and emotional tonepoem, like Barrett’s “Golden Hair”, and Godknows if it ain’t Barrett then it’s some otherdamaged psycho-naut who deserves his placein yer book of great creative fuck-ups.

Still, it is tempting to imagine that,having made his point quickly and well, Sydjust didn’t want to sit around and turn intoRoger Waters’ guitar player. Would you?Mom’s basement, some paints, a big ol’ mediascam and a secret career penning melancholynursery rhymes seems infinitely better thanthat, don’t you think?

And aren’t those nascent Smurf-crea-tures yodeling away in the background of“Scream Thy Last Scream”, an unreleasedBarrett treasure from the breakdown days?Moreover, what was it that Syd asked on hislast official recording with the Floyd in thefractured oompah of “Jugband Blues”? “Whatexactly is a dream,” he sighs, “and what exact-ly is a joke?”

9

MacMackk

By Adrian Mack

Ray, Kayoko and David ponder ways to finally destroy the Justice League of America with their laser-emitting sunglasses.

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Silly, shy Syd Barrett in 1979

The Radio Asks: Was Syd 3 Apples High?The Radio Asks: Was Syd 3 Apples High?

AAGGRRIICCUULLTTUURREECCLLUUBB

Farmageddon on

Catch and Release Recording Collective

C&R Catalogue distro by

Sonic Unyon

Available from:

Sudden Death Records

suddendeath.com

agricultureclub.cacatch-and-release.org

FarmageddonDirty, Distorted Rural Rock

Carl Spackler -- Why Highway to Heaven? Eddie “King” Roeser -- I think it goes back toour first record, Jesus Urge Superstar, arguablya shamelessly commercial document. The reli-gious themes, those of redemption, sodomy,resurrection… Carl -- I didn’t catch that on the show. King- Most people didn’t catch it on the record,but they’re there. Carl -- I remember hearing when the bandplayed Calgary on that tour that all themembers of the group were found in bedtogether transfixed by “Highway toHeaven.” King -- I’m sure we don’t recall this. However,the connection with Urge should be obviousand has been to many interviewers less astutethan you, I might add. I’m shocked! But that isa great kickoff question, it really puts us in agreat mood; it’s really bringing me back. Butwe’ve moved on; I mean, Nash and I haven’twatched much TV together, you know. I don’tknow where you heard this, probably fromsources close to the band. Carl -- No. I was at the gig and the wordspread thru the club like the clap thru aHell’s Angels chapter. King -- Wait a second, was that one of thosehotel-slash-bars? Where you just walk down-stairs? Carl -- Yes! The Westward Hotel. King -- No, don’t remember. Carl – And the nature of this memory loss—is it time? The elements? Horse tranquiliz-ers? King -- I think all three and alcohol consump-tion. Carl -- And how are things now? King- Things have gone swimmingly. Nash Kato (seething) – Yeah, I cut my massagetoo damn short. King - I’ve never heard of a two-and-a-halfhour massage being short. Apparently, there isa different concept of time up here. Nash- The girl said it’s too bad I had to cut itshort because apparently there is a climaticending. Carl- There was no “Happy Ending”? Nash – No. King - Does he look happy? Nash – She was putting oil on my sack. Carl – I am sensing his chakras are out ofalignment but I don’t think I’m able to help. King- Don’t worry, we’ll be playing a bettershow for it.Carl -- Aaah! Keeping it in like a prizefight-er. King – Exactly. Carl – Or a matador. King – Yes, yes, I like that. I like that image alot. The Matador! So guys, what have you beendoing the last eight years? Carl and the Judge -- We, uuhh, we…beenbusy n’ shit. You know. Things. We were try-ing to pick up the torch where you guys leftoff but, uh, my back is killing me. Nash (grouchy) -- Join the club. King -- Yeah, we were unable to bring ourentire gigantic load down. Carl – Mmmm, I think Nash already told usthat. King -- We’ve moved down from the ‘four cab-inet’ look. For this tour we’re down to oneCarl -- Any new material? Have you guys

been writing? King –Yeah we weren’t sure what was gonnacome from this reunion, if you wanna call itthat. I don’t like the term, right? Cause itseemed kinda phoney baloney. Anyway, wedecided to do some shows. We sort of, I won’tsay we disbanded, we just de-banded. Carl -- A lot of animosity? King – Yeah. And I’m like, “Nash you don’tcall very often” and he’s like, “you don’t call.”One of those, you know? …Just a gigantic mis-understanding it turns out. Carl -- Did you guys talk at all over the eightyears? King – We’ve heard reports that we had talked.And apparently they are from sources close tothe band. But, I have no recollection of that. Doyou recall any discussions? Nash (livid) -- I don’t know. King – I wouldn’t characterize them as discus-sions. I mean apparently we had discussions ina form that I cannot recall. Carl – Does that happen to you too? Weird! King -- Like I said, this was a tentative plan.We did a bash in Chicago…since then, as aresult of the fact that we were actually in thesame room, this was leaked to the sources thatcontrol the industry as we know it, and offerswere rolling in from L.A., London, whatevertown you wanna pick. We had a lot of peopleinterested, far more interested than we were infact. Carl -- Well, I can’t speak for the Judgesince he’s drinkin’ your rider dry right now,but I for one am glad you did. The Judge- Say, whatever happened to DeanScott Fever? And Paco? Nash (testily) – Who?King – Fabre. We think he took over the fami-ly business. A racetrack in Kentucky. Nash -- A drag strip. King – I think he is back where he belongs. Youknow he was in the band for the looks.Everybody knows it. He looked fucking great.He looked like a million fucking dollars! A liv-ing muppet come to life! A living legend. Andit wasn’t hard to feed him a few bass parts youknow, not really an important part of the wholechemistry, to be honest. Carl - Do you guys love or hate the Darknessfor stealing your song? “Get your Hands OffMy Woman” is a pretty blatant rip-off or tipof the cap to “Sister Havana”.King -- There is no hate in Urge for us any-more. I mean we’ve seen the bulb go out andit’s not good. Nash (exasperated and impatient) -- I can’tbelieve I raced down here to listen to this shit!(Peering out the door at the openers, the LastVegas.) I was naked on a massage table!King -- We had to talk to these gentlemen, wehad extra time built in. Nash- I was bone-ass naked on a massage table.It was hot shit! Applying oil to my bag. The Judge - Madame Cleo’s? Nash – No, she came to the suite. King – It was legit. He pulled a back muscle! Nash – I didn’t know she would go two-and-a-half hours. I certainly wasn’t complaining. Irace down here, you know, no offence… Carl -- None taken. You guys got raked overthe coals for Exit the Dragon.Nash- No we didn’t. Carl -- Yeah you did. Nash -- Maybe in the States, everywhere elseloved it. (Nash promptly exits looking even

angrier than he did about his severe case ofblue balls.) Carl -- Was that a bad time for you? King – For people who were into Urge,Saturation was the big left turn for the band.We always had a dark outlook and that was onpurpose a sunnier record. And it was somethingthat was deliberately landscaped to sound a cer-tain way. There were other problems surround-ing the Exit the Dragon time period for us thatmade things suck. As well as that peopleweren’t ready for a dark, not a dark really… ablack record. In fact, the cover is black. Whydid we do that? It was stupid really. But we feltlike it was an artistic success from beginning toend given what we were working with, whichwas a band that was barely speaking. I thinkpeople got used to the Urge of Saturation andthat’s just fine. The problem was we didn’twant to be those guys anymore. Hell, weweren’t those guys anymore. Sources close tothe band wanted Saturation 2. That was sort ofthe big thing… nothing would be worse than awatered down lame Saturation; it wouldasucked. And that’s not the sunniest record onearth either, you know. The second song iscompletely sick. The Judge -- I recall an interview aroundthat time when Nash said, “Two men Enterthe Dragon, one man leaves.”Nash (unimpressed) -- No. Three men enter oneman leaves. The Judge -- Oh. Hmmm.Carl -- Anything you’d like to say aboutthose left behind? Nash -- No. Carl --What are you listening to on the road? King --The Sights. We played with them andthey were really cool. Nash -- The Soundtrack of our Lives. I just got

turned on to the New Pornographers, they’regreat. The Wrens, I like them. Carl – What about the classics, your “go-to”stuff? King – We still like our Dusty’s and Al Greenand shit like that. That’s always gonna be there.(Bassist) Hodgie is our DJ on the road. Nash -- We always had an in-house DJ withBlackie. Carl – I’m not supposed to ask about thelast time you guys were in Vancouver. King – Something about a Chinese chef andbutcher knife. Carl -- I will respect your request. But thepromoter found you guys and dragged yououtta the No.5. Nash (now, inexplicably, animated and gregar-ious) – Yeah! They checked every strip club ‘tilthey found us. They knew we’d be in one ofthem. And they said you gotta come play andwe were saying, no it’s too late and besideswe’d already had way too many of thoseCanadian mind-fuck lagers. Carl – Any chance of you guys stickingaround to make another album? Nash -- Yeah…we just sort of take this as itcomes, see how it goes, how the response is,how we fare. But so far, so good. There’s aEuropean tour in the works. But yeah, I’ve gotsome things; I know King does. Maybe in thefall. You know, there is no master plan. Carl – Was there ever a master plan in thepast? King -The master plan was we were gonna dis-integrate after our fifth record. That was theplan before we made even our first record. Nash – Yeah, it’s like Logan’s Run. The Judge – Sanctuary? Carl- In this demented slaughterhouse of aworld? Not likely, my friend.

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Urge’s Run

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The band reacts to Spackler’s “Urge Over-the-Hill”crack.

After a spectacular crack-up ten years ago, the grizzlyold fucks of Urge Overkill did what the entire worldgave nary a fuck to see; they re-formed. Carl Spacklerand Judge Smails went along to kiss their perfect hems.By Carl Spackler

E.S. Day -- There seems to be a lot of whinymusic out there dominating the charts, as aband that seems to be resuscitating thesleaze metal scene, is there really a demandfor it right now?Mik Ireland -- No. Actually, we’re wasting ourtime.E.S. Day -- Since we’re at a tattoo conven-tion, why do you think the association stillexists between R&R and Tattoos?Mik -- To tell you the truth, they both hurt andthey both cause infections.Pinto -- Yeah, they both go together for onereason: they’re permanent. E.S. Day: What are you guys listening tothese days?Mik: Actually, I listen to nothing but T. RexPinto: Billy Joel’s 52nd Street.E.S. Day: CP has been around for aboutthree years now, when are we going to see afull-length album for Christ sake?Mik: ?Pinto: We should have a 12-song master readyto go around the end of August.E.S. Day: Any tentative titles?Mik: NFA – No Fixed Address.E.S. Day: Tours?Pinto: Yeah in July. Not really a tour, we’reheading to L.A., we might be playing theRoxy in Hollywood. Maybe. We’ll be playing

in Vancouver at the Media Club on June 11th.We’re concentrating more on the album rightnow. Our fans have been waiting long enough.E.S. Day -- Surely the major labels havebeen expressing interest have they not?Pinto -- Well, right now we have an overseaslabel, Nicotine, showing a lot of interest, sowe’ll see what happens. Right now we want tohold out for the right deal, possibly keep itindie with major label distribution.(Back at the booth, Brian is bleeding R&Rout of his right arm)E.S. Day -- Are you in pain right now?Brian -- No.E.S. Day -- Anything you would like to sayto the public?Brian -- We don’t put makeup on the music,just on our eyes.

Back at the beer garden I spot Mik andOutlaw Entertainment’s CEO, Tommy Floyd.I decide to go break up the conversation untilbassist Greg Laiken hands me their latest CDwhile drummer Dave Troutman is still chat-ting with the same two ladies that he’s beenwith since the beginning of the night, (Twoof the chicks are chained together at theneck, complete with stilettos and drenched inPVC). I leave him alone. Drummers shouldbe getting all the pussy anyway. At this point

I finally get Mik to confess on the record, hisfeelings for the following bands:E.S. Day -- Mik, tell me the first thing thatcomes into your estranged mind when Imention the following groups. FasterPussycat.Mik -- Cocaine.E.S. Day -- L.A. Guns.Mik -- Tracii Guns fucked my ex-girlfriend.E.S. Day -- Love/Hate.Mik -- Crackheads.E.S. Day -- Zodiac Mindwarp & The LoveReaction.Mik -- I love TV and I love T.Rex.E.S. Day -- Murderdolls.Mik -- Posers.E.S. Day -- Hanoi Rocks.Mik -- That’s a good one. I know I liked thembut…E.S. Day -- Salty Dog.Mik -- Where are they now?E.S. Day -- Amen.Mik -- Hallelujah!E.S. Day -- Mötley Crüe.Mik -- More cocaine. E.S. Day -- Dogs D’amour.Mik -- Went to see them while I was inEngland, couldn’t get in.E.S. Day -- The Stooges.Mik -- Gods.

E.S. Day -- The New York Dolls.Mik -- Goddesses.E.S. Day -- What if I told you that the gen-eral public assumes that a Crystal Pistol isslang for a meth pipe?Mik -- I’d say, “you’re damn right!”E.S. Day -- That’s condoning hardcore druguse, don’t you think? The same goes foryour track “Line It Up’. It’s a blatant glo-rification of cocaine. Can’t you just singabout booze like everyone else?Mik -- Ask me when I get clean and sober.E.S. Day -- Is there any way of reviving thatdark glam rock scene from ’88 -’93.Brian (from the needle chair) -- I think peoplejust want real R&R again. No more fake shit.Samples and stuff.E.S. Day -- There doesn’t seem too muchcompetition out there as far as what youguys are doing. Like Robin “The Goblin”Black, for example. Why is that?Mik -- Let me tell you something about RobinBlack. Backstage one night, we were trying tosee who was the most outrageous. His girl-friend pissed in a cup and Robin hands it tome. I immediately chugged the whole cup!Mik wins. Hands down.

Crystal Pistol plays Vancouver’s Media Clubon June 11th

13

MusicMusic

By E.S. Day

Imust be a real pussy. I enter the PNE Agrodome withbare arms—Casper-The-GhostWhite arms to beexact. It’s the third and final day of Vancouver’s 1st

International Tattoo Convention, and I have entered thedark and bloody realm of Rock & Roll that I have avoid-ed my whole life. It seems the “Big Guns” have arrived inour city to puncture and maim the surface of society inthis age-old art form which has been a trademark in theworld of R&R for decades. Bob Tyrell, known for hiswork with country-fried closet-rapper-turned-musically-confused-idiot Kid Rock amongst others, has set upshop. He can make a grown man wince with delight onthe table. To my surprise, this has me flipping throughhis catalogue contemplating a Maori makeover acrossmy face. To this day I’m still frightened to death of get-ting “art’ under my skin. Not so for Brian Bresett, leadguitarist for Vancouver’s—no make that Canada’s bas-tard sons of motherfucker rock & roll, Crystal Pistol.Brian’s right arm is about to lose its virginity to the nee-dle of a young artist( I think it’s Glen) from Wes’ Tattoobooth. He has chosen Lucifer’s’ area code 666 inMotörhead lettering. Cool. I’m urged by my friend Joe todo the same. Sorry, didn’t bring my balls with metonight. While I wait for the results, the boys give us anupdate from the CP camp.

Crystal Pistol - The Glam/Sleaze Metal hybrid ofcocaine-stained lyricism and three chord debaucherieshave opened the doors to their own private hell for yourstruly to bring you 24 hours in the life of Canada’s reign-ing kings of trash. Problem is - they don’t get out of bed‘til 6:30 in the evening. And so we begin. Looking like hecrawled out from under a rock in West Hollywood, CP’scharismatic frontman Mik Ireland and the other leadguitarist Pinto Cholo pulled it together just enough tospit a few words in my face. P

hoto

: Jer

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Van

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Crystal Pistol’s Brian Bresett proudly shows us how high he can countwhile his bandmates anxiously fact-check. Turns out he was wrong.

Drunk On Ink!Surviving A Day With

Crystal PistolCrystal PistolCrystal Pistol

15

CoCovverer���Rock

The A-z of Moustache

AAllman Brothers-- Duane, Gregg andTito are filthy Southern Skidmarks whoreputedly have taken some drugs.

Eventually, one of them finger-raped Cherwhile she was immobilized with Bell’s Palsyand her daughter turned out to be a lesbian.There was a moustache or two in the room, atthe time.Allin Brothers -- Merle and GG rocked theeternally cool Infinite Stencil or the Two-ManJigsaw, requiring that you put them together toachieve a complete facial hair system. ImagineGG and Merle kissing in Outer Space with anelectric blue corona tracing their merging bod-ies in cosmic holy congress; two crystal beingsunited in awesome oneness reflecting the vistasof spiritual possibility contained in GG’s tran-scendent art-love. Like two halves of a locketforged by God.

BBionic -- When former Doughboy-turned-Bionic man Jon Cummins isn’tproducing “It” bands Back East, DJing

at “It” hangouts or writing for “It” local rockrags, the hardest working man in MontrealRock fronts this beaut of a band. But perhapshis greatest accomplishment is pulling off whatonly three percent of the world’s population isable to achieve naturally: a fully cultivatedRattled Rooster. This look is a birthright. Forstarters, you must be born with a flaming firecrotch and a Canadian Grade “A” egghead.Then simply skirt it with a crimson turkey wat-tle and presto! You have the rarest of facial/lidhair combos on our A-Z. What a precious andmysterious jewel!Bono, Sonny -- With “Pammie’s on aBummer”, Sonny Bono set out to debunk allthose lies told to you by the likes of JimMorrison, Charo! and Rush Limbaugh – towhit, that drug use is no way to get high andwill inevitably lead to your death. Much moreacceptable is smacking into a tree at 100 mph

More hair than a Brazilian ball of wax: (clockwise from bottom left) Willie Nelson, Jesse Hughes, Freddie Mercury, JesseBirch, Sam Roberts, Duane Allman, Janis Joplin, Brian Wilson, Jon Cummins, Frankie Poullain, Caleb Followill, Peaches

By 8-Ball, Adrian Mack andSarah Rowland

Remember when if you had amoustache it meant you werea total fag? Or if you had a

moustache but weren’t a fag, then youwere a cop? Or if you weren’t eitherof those and you had a moustache,then you were Burt Reynolds?Excluding those three fine categoriesof outstanding manhood, time wasyou couldn’t find anybody out therewith a half decent facial hair program.Not anymore, buddy! Except forthose foppish Scottish popsters withthe angular hair-sillies and faces likebaby’s arses Franz Ferdinand, every

red-blooded rocker is applyingRogaine to their physiognomy thesedays in an attempt to prove that theirtesticles actually produce hormonesas well as rock n’ roll thunder. Andthat’s just the ladies!

We have therefore decided tobe first out of the gate with an in-depth examination of this growingdirtbag trend: Hair! All over yourface!!

In keeping with the tradition-al use of “letters” to form “words”, akey weapon in the writer’s arsenal,we’re employing the “alphabet” totell our story. So it is with overmuchpride that The Nerve presents to you: Continued next page...

CoCovverer

16

with all your senses intact so that you feel everybone-shattering microsecond of your unspeak-ably painful demise. Some philosophers (i.e.me) suggest that the soul, detached from thebody upon Death remains frozen in the emo-tional attitude of the moment, meaning thatSonny Bono’s soul will persist eternally in acondition that resembles this: AAGGGGGHH-HH - - FUUUUUCCCKKKK NOOOO MAKEIT STOP AAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH ITHURTS SSSSOOOO MUCH!!!! Which is ashame really. Now he’s in Heaven with hismoustache (screaming).

CCheap Trick -- Bun E. Carlos is the gifteddrummer behind such beats as “Da DA-DA, Da DA-DA, Da DA-DA (“Southern

Girls”) and Boom CHIK Boom CHIK BoomCHIK (“I Want You To Want Me”). That littleCutie-Pie that lives under his nose is just oneaspect of Bun’s victorious style, offset by a bigol’ cunt belly and hair that continues to workwell into retirement. Bun, therefore, is the bald-ing, middle-aged drummer’s abiding inspira-tion, as the dude from John Ford will tell you.

DDyck, Chris -- This guy has been metic-ulously preening his magnificentPlumage since the 8th grade. He once

shaved it off around ’93 and kept it in a wood-en box. His dedication to his beard can only berivaled by Al Borland. Ironically, he is physi-cally unable to grow a moustache. Them’s thebreaks!

EEddie Big Beers -- Always on the cuttingedge of rock fashion, the Gung-Hosdrummer was one of the first to sport last

year’s tennis wristband. So it’s only fitting thathe would be leading the pack with this season’smust-have accessory, the Prickly Pear.

FFrankie Poullain - The bassist withthe world’s all-time greatest band theDarkness, has reached into very dark-

ness-esses indeed for his UK-based ‘tache

which mimics accurately the hairy vector strat-egy employed by famed killer Peter Sutcliffea.k.a. The Yorkshire Ripper. This was con-firmed in an imaginary interview that I dreamtup while nodding off during a hash bingewherein Frankie told me, “it was inspired bythe Yorkshire Ripper.”

GGeorgia Street shredders — OK, it’s astretch. What we really mean isS.T.R.E.E.T.S., but the letter “S” was

already being used. We settled for the name oftheir signature skate punk tune coz we couldn’tafford to miss out on their fine array of chinornaments. Here we have a veritable feast offacial fur with everything from bassist Mapee’sclassic Pilsner Sieve to lead singer JonnyOlsen’s endangered Catfish.

HHughes, Jesse -- Currently leading thewhole Snow-Shovel revival. Besidesmaking neat little X-rated fuck jams, he

even makes sure his female backup singerssport soup-strainers.

IIndigo Girls -- More of a Figurative‘Stache. You still can’t tell which one’sthe Mom and which one’s the “Dad”.

Thanks a lot, Lilith Fair.

JJesse Birch -- You may have seen him inbands like Tard, Cum Soc, Zuckuss, etc.I can assure you that you have not seen

anything until you’ve seen him use his over-sized beard as a sponge to clean up his ownpuke, only to wring out the contents into hiswilling mouth. Delicious!

KKings of Leon — Good tunes. Greatwhiskers. Terrible 18th CenturyMongoloid Fringe.

LLemmy -- The overlord of everything thatMoustache Rock has come to represent.He’s done more drugs than Fleetwood

Mac and dined on enough fresh groupie pelt(“this is Cindy’s first moustache”) to turn hisface into a glazed donut on a nightly basis. Ohyeah, and he sings with his head held high tothe heavens just to let the big guy upstairs know

that he is coming to fucking claim what is right-fully his.

MMacNeil, Rita -- We’re not suggestingthat Rita MacNeil has a moustache.We’re suggesting that she should

have a moustache to conceal that fucked-upharelip. Then we’d all feel more comfortablehaving to look at her. People tell me she’s a realcunt so don’t feel bad about reading this oreven quoting it to your friends.

NNervous Breakdown Beard, The—Brian Wilson’s mother of all mentalcollapses makes every other rock star’s

dance under the Bell Jar seem like rainy dayblues, especially Rivers Cuomo, that nerd rockpussy. But in the spirit of equal opportunity, wefeel obligated to point out that the depressionBloat Cloak is not exclusive to men. For exam-ple, when Janis Joplin was busy making chun-dercide chic for sisters of rock, she probablydidn’t have time to think about her bikini line.File this one under Thigh Rasta.

OOutlaw Country -- We’re paid very wellto dream up insults and invent scandalhere at The Nerve and for every merci-

less attack that we launch the Boss compensatesus handsomely. For every career that isdestroyed, rest assured, ours is advanced. Whenit comes to Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson,however, we will not be bought. We couldn’t bebought – nothing that any of us here could do orsay will ever amount to a hill of shit comparedto these giants of the Outlaw Country move-ment. So take a good long look at the cover ofAre You Ready for the Country and drink of theperfect male essence that is ol’ Waylon andwonder at how the world has gone so verywrong in the years since. In short, The OnlyBeard That Matters. (Incidentally, if you want

to know just how funky a bunch of coked-upcrackers can sound, check out the re-issue ofWaylon Live. Those hillbillies could swing likethe fuckin’ Meters, Jack.)

PPeaches -- She’s turned down offers toremix Madonna and Britney then shewas turned down at Coachella ’03 when

the Stooges’ Ron Asheton refused to go onstage with anyone with a Bush that fucking big.Set it off!

QQueen -- When Freddie Mercury shoreoff his luxurious locks in favour ofgrowing a Police Badge, heart-broken

male AND female fans threw disposable razorsat him in protest. But come on, the guy had somuch freaky sex that his dink exploded. Don’thate!

RRoberts, Sam -- This one’s for the ladies.Currently the hottest rock star inCanada offers a great Cock Sub for his

groupies. Free beard rides, anyone?

SServe and Protect Special -- Countlessrock stars fall into this category, but wepicked Junior Senior in a desperate

attempt to broaden our readership. Consideringnone of us here at the Nerve moonlight at ZuluRecords, we’re really chuffed with ourselvesthat we’ve heard of them. Just check out thatorange Blue Boy on Senior. Too bad this photodoesn’t also showcase his glorious doughnutgunt.

TThe Gay -- For months we were under theillusion that the guy from The Gay wasjust some guy. So we looked him up in

the Mint Records Hall Monitor registry, cross-referenced that with a Sweater Catalogue we

The A-Z of Rock’s Hairy Bastards...continued from previous

17

keep handy for such things and lo-and-behold!Turns out it’s Keith Parry! The inventor of CarlNewman! Keith’s fine version of the ColonelBlimp brings to mind the “sensitive crimes”undertaken by many of the characters inBrideshead Revisited. Side note: Keith,strangely, is not from West Van.

UU2 -- As the premier Homosexual danceband of our time, U2 have long sportedtidy upper lips as a sop to those who

prefer their blowjobs clean. In the “anythinggoes” 90’s, however, troubled bad-boy TheEdge finally busted out with a near perfectBurt Reynolds-driven number for acces-sorized fluffing. Bono’s lyrics became muchmore upbeat during this period.Unicorns, The – No moustache yet, but as RobDayton has taught us, it’s only a matter of time.Except that Dayton is actually funny while TheUnicorns are pathetic and we can’t believe theyhaven’t been signed to Mint already.

VVon Helvete, Hank -- What do you get ifyou cross Alice Cooper with that creepylittle French-Tickler from the

Stranglers? I don’t know, but if you add abouta hundred pounds you might just end up withthis Norwegian grizzly bear. Rock WITH ass!

WWho, The Guess -- The fat fuck fromThe Guess Who whose breathstinks like Hippo Ass (I’m guess-

ing) provided your correspondent with a deli-ciously comic moment. I was once fortunateenough to meet The Collection Agent whowas systematically destroying my life and wasdelighted to find that he looked just like BurtonCummings – that is, a fat fuck from Winnipegwith piggly-wiggly eyes and a big, puddingdough face beneath tousled beer mattress stinkhair modeled after his homeless pickled moth-er, I’ll bet. He was so drunk (the CollectionAgent) that I talked him into introducing me tohis whole office and guess what? Every singleone of them looked like Burton Cummingswith that fat fuck moustache of his, the fuck.

XX-Rated -- Uh.... we’re talking about thefake porn ‘staches. The members of SexWolf consider themselves serious musi-

ciams. Sure, they haven’t completed their line-up yet, and we don’t even know if they’ve everpracticed or know how to play their instru-ments. But do you have any idea how hard it isto find a band starting with the letter “X” thatis this hot to boot? (www.kittencoquette.com)

YYankovic, Weird Al -- How ironic thatWeird Al’s parents were recently slaugh-tered by a splinter terrorist organization

known as Weird Al-Qaeda whose stated goal isto kill all of Weird Al’s parents. It’s ironicbecause Weird Al’s celebrated moustache isreally only one snip away from the stylefavoured by Sophisticated Muslim Go-Getters such as pre-spider hole era SaddamHussein who had no connection to Weird Al-Qaeda or Al-Qaeda but who did co-write “I’mFat” and other gut-busting masterpieces ofdecadent American humour with Weird AlYankovic. Or so I’m assuming. One otherstrange coincidence: many people on earth are“fat”.

ZZappa, Frank -- On one hand we havetwo very hirsute Southern gentlemen anda fellow with the unique distinction of

having the surname Beard although he hasnever been photographed while wearing hisnamesake.

On the other hand, we have the late,brilliant satirist and anti-censorship crusader.In his lifetime he managed to release about300 albums, dozens of films and even a fewhousehold appliances. The only thing biggerthan his artistic output is his giant nose andglorious Crop-Duster.

BelvedereFast Forward Eatsthe TapeUnion 2112

Belvedere has beenaround since ‘95and I believe this istheir third release. Itwould be a safe bet

to call these guys the Canadian Millencolin.Tight melodic punk. The type of stuff youcould kickflip and rail slide your bag off to.

-Jono Jak

BlondieThe Curse ofBlondieSanctuary

OK, so “Maria”was such a greatBlondie song that itmade up for rest ofthe shit on their last

album. Well, The Curse of Blondie is the exactopposite. The first song, “Shake Down”, is afailed attempt to recreate the success DeborahHarry and co. had with “Rapture”, their previ-ous stab at rap music. This latest effort comesoff sounding like a ranting audience member ina daytime talk show and I think she should havecut it shorter like Patti Smith’s “Babelogue”.But once the opening track is over, we sudden-ly find ourselves submerged in a true Blondiealbum, full of everything that made this band sogreat. Danceable, sweet, sultry and fashionablemusic just like mom used to make!

-Billy Hopeless

The HangmenLoteriaAcetate

OK, what can I say about the new album by oneof my favourite rock ‘n’ roll bands of all timebesides that I’m yet to be let down by them andstill as impressed as ever. Although I don’t findthis album as dark as Metallic I.O.U., there’sstill a very bittersweet feeling to Loteria. Infact I think the band just sounds more excited,energized, and fresher than on the last CD.Take all this into account and toss in the bestcover of the Stones classic “Citadel” and I’mstill a huge Hangmen fan who is willing tocough up a few dollars more for anything theyrelease.

-Billy Hopeless

The GirlsThe GirlsDirtnap

Holy shit, when did these guys turn NewWave? Last time I saw them they were chockfull of Hate City guys punking out in jean vests.Since then they’ve cleaned shop and traded intheir jean vests for suit vests. A solid 10-songdisc that kinda sounds like a cross between theCars and the Briefs. Seems to be THE soundcoming out of Seattle these days.

-Jono Jak

Mistress JenBuzzIndependent

Well, the music is refreshing—the vocals aregood and I am a sucker for a good keyboardist.The lyrics, however, are embarrassing to me.I’m sure all of her friends have already told herhow great this CD is but I’ve got to give mypersonal honest opinion. I’ll leave it up to thereaders to judge for themselves: “His name isFred the Cat/And he’s a spoiled brat/And hekeeps getting fat”. Now it’s my turn: “Don’tbelieve your coffee shop friends/They’ll lie ‘tilthe end./Some just think yer cute/Some areafraid to tell you the truth/That’s ‘cause theydon’t want you to cry/And you had to try/Sodon’t give up/But write some better stuff!

-Billy Hopeless

The MarvelsCheat To WinAbbey Lounge

Boston by way ofPortland punks theMarvels are onsome crooked-nose,army boot ‘n’ woolhat wearin, sleeve-

tatted street punk. It’s pissed to the gills onsome cheap swill and hittin’ the bricks like thatgang of punks with the modified bus in TheWarriors. This is the kind of record that makesBeantown after dark on St. Patties Day about assafe as Fallujah. Nasty, snotty, and plenty chan-ty. Ten minutes of this shit and Ghandi himselfwould be slammin’ cooking sherry and gettingall up in faces with a broken bottleneck andbein’ all like, “Who’s yer brother?” The onlycomplaint is that at only seven songs (the bal-lad doesn’t count), it’s way too short.

-J. Pee Patchez

The Pink Mountaintops s/tScratch

Stephen McBean may or may not have a pornstar cock, but the frontman for Vancouver’scritically acclaimed Jerk with a Bomb singslike he’s got a punishing pleasure pole throb-bing between his legs. If you haven’t been laidin a while and fear that you might forget what aproper fuck feels like, check out McBean’s side

project, The PinkMountaintops. One listen to theself-titled CD will bring youback to that lazy summer noon-er you had years ago whenPortishead’s Dummy was thebest sex album going. Lyrically,McBean is downright raunchy,engorging the tightest of twatswith lines like, “I came all overmyself/ Wish I came all overyour blouse.” Musically, thisalbum is little on the VelvetUnderground side, especially

the cover of Joy Division’s “Atmosphere”. It’snot all sweaty smut though. McBean shares alovely tryst in Paris with Amber Webber in thedelightful duet “Tourist in Your Town”. Assweet as the aforementioned track is, it doesn’tdetract from the fact that the rest of The PinkMountains is an audio handjob.

-Meathole

The Marked MenOne The OutsideDirtnap

I don’t know a lot about this band, other thanit’s guitarist Mark Ryan’s side project whenhe’s not playing with the Riverboat Gamblers.The Marked Men is definitely a little more“janglier” than RGB’s blistering rock. Thisdisc will play great along side any Briefsalbum. Hands down, another fine release fromDirtnap Records.

-Jono Jak

The OrganGrab That GunMint/ 604

This is what isplaying in the back-ground on a Sundaymorning as rainstreaks down thewindows of your

cozy basement suite and you’re curled up withyour cat writing in your diary. Very atmos-pheric, yet almost drab and very British 80’salterna-pop sounding. Imagine the music ofthe Cure with the moody droning of Stereolaband vocals that sound like Justine from Elasticadoing a bang-on Morrisey. Anyone who grewup on any of that stuff (or wants to appear sen-sitive enough to sleep with people who grew upon that stuff) owes it to themselves to get thisrecord. The Organ are from Vancouver, but ifthis came out in England they would no doubtbe hailed by Q as the greatest thing since lip-stick on straight men.

-J. Pee Patchez

Primal FearDevil’s Ground Nuclear Blast

How to make a skidvest. You will need:1 denim jacket(well worn), 1 kick-ass back patch and1 heart of steel.

First, remove the sleeves from your jacket. Youwill not need these. Next, take your kick-assback patch (I’m going to go with Priest’s‘Painkiller’) and fasten it to the centre of theback of your vest. I find sewing works well forthis step. Finally, get in the pit and thrash!

-8-Ball

V/ARock Against BushVol. 1Fat Wreck Chords

I took this off of theback of the CD:“The bands on thiscomp have cometogether for one rea-

son and that’s to express our outrage at—andform a unified front against—the dangerous,destructive, and deadly policies of George W.Bush and his administration.” I think that saysa lot, so you know what to expect with thiscomp: a lot of great tunes from punks that areon the rocktivist frontlines, including a trackfeaturing Jello Biafra with D.O.A. as well asunreleased songs from Anti-Flag, NOFX, RiseAgainst, Descendents and Billy Bragg. A lot ofother great bands, not all punk though. Whothe fuck is New Found Glory? And the Ataristotally suck. There’s even some sorta hip-hopreggae song and I can’t forget to mention akiller song by Ministry. As a bonus, four musicvideos are thrown into the mix. Basically, RockAgainst Bush Vol. just has so much going onthat I’ve maxed out my word-count. Therefore,if you like buying comps, steal this one.

-Hooped

Sex PositionsSex PositionsDeathwish Inc.

A pretty silly namefor a ripping hard-core band, butwhat’s in a nameanyway? I washoping for songs

like “The Wheelbarrow”, “Reverse Cowgirl”and “The Swayze Walkaround” but no luck.Instead, 11 songs of blistering hardcore linkedtogether by all sorts of industrial noize likepower drills, air compressors and R2D2 onmeth. Fans of Refused, the Blood Brothers andthe Locust will tear their fishnets over this.

-Jono Jak

The HissPanic MovementSanctuary

Whenever one bandbreaks through and“makes it”, thereare sure to be 10bands that show upsounding just like

them but shittier. With Blink 187 you’ve gotshit like Simple Plan riding its coattails. WithNicklebag you’ve got crap like Default ridingshotgun. And now you’ve got the hiss ridingthe JET stream. Unlike Jet, ALL of these songsare lame. It’s like they’re trying way too hard tobe on the radio, and I think even the radiowould think this stuff is gay.

-Jono Jak

Die HunnsLong Legs Die HunnsDisaster

Some might remember a few months backwhen I interviewed Duane Peters and said thatI couldn’t wait for this album to come out.Well, now that it’s here I’ve got to say that itwas well worth the wait and the money I had tospend to get a copy. Songs like “Animals”,“Love & Hate” are the perfect soundtrack forbombing the streets, and the addition of CoreyParks is the finest icing to this exploding wed-ding cake! Viva Les Hunns!

-Billy Hopeless

Starvin HungryDamnesty Grenadine

For some dudes from Montreal, Starvin Hungrygot some real balls making a rock record that is

The Pink MountThe Pink MountaintaintopsopsOfOff The Rf The Recorecordd

After a torturous interrogation ofSteve McBean of the PinkMountaintops we fell short of con-

cluding what the band’s name means—either a desire to paint the peaks of thePacific Northwest in delightful rosy flesh-tones or a 35-year-old pent-up obsession

with sex. But we did manage to captureMcBean’s responses on paper. Using thefollowing answers as clues, it’s up to you topiece the puzzle together. And remember,it’s time to turn the page when you hear thechimes ring like this...

What band/solo artist does your bandnever want to be compared to? Fugazi or the Mentors. On your dream bill, whattwo acts would the PinkMountaintops be sand-wiched in between?Lil’ Kim and SergeGainsbourg. What recording humblesyou every time you hear itand why?The Richard Harris LoveAlbum. Hearing a grownman get so worked up overcake never sounded so good. Worst gig ever?I’ve never had a bad show. When did you get so dirty?Closet perverts can only contain themselvesfor so long before the cream begins to spillthrough their jeans. I’ve been holding it all insince 1969.

-Ryan Calvery

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DDVDsVDs

m o r eN e wY o r kt h a na n y -t h i n gactuallycoming

out of New York. Try and imagine if art-schoolrock-models like the Strokes actually had someedge and actually felt a little dangerous. Theseguys are dark, riffy, distorted, and fuzzed-out,yet aren’t afraid to pull out some moments ofnearly Voivod-like innovation. As well asrocking out as hard as say, early AC/DC, theseguys can also come with the harmonicas or vio-lins and get into some fancy VelvetUndergroundy parts. The vocals are clear andnaked, sometimes sounding like an early GlennDanzig, other times a little like Jim Morrison orLou Reed. That is not to say that this stuff isgratuitous throwback rawk. Nope, these guysdon’t even budge the needle on the bullshitdetector.

-J. Pee Patchez

ZekeTil The Livin EndRelapse

Do ya think theseguys likeMotörhead??? This15-song CD burnsfrom start to finish

as supercharged guitars, electrifying leads, andraucous punk attitude race full throttle to hell.Like all Zeke, this is straight up ass-kickingrock! You’ve just met your new favouriteband... again.

-Jono Jak

Wolf EyesStabbed in the Face 12”Sub Pop

You know that guy who walks around HomeDepot all dressed in black? No, not me. I’m justthere for the Harvey’s, man. I’m talking aboutthe other guy who’s always renting huge powertools and asking the sales clerks what kindasound they make. He’s an artist and a very trou-bled one at that, as he hates the guys who workat music stores so much that he decided to findother places to shop for instruments. Just thethought of some guy wearing a bolo tie trying tosell him a guitar makes him growl and screamlike a street crazy and he really understandswhere Wolf Eyes are coming from. As for me, Ijust really like the option of getting my pickleson the side and laughing as I tell the music storeclerk I’m looking for the cheapest mike standpossible ‘cause it’ll be broken by the secondsong.

-Billy Hopeless

Along, long time ago in a far off mys-terious land known as To-ron-to,two twin brothers decided to create

a musical sensation that would change theway people viewed the universe as a whole.John, with the help of his brother GlennMilchem of Blue Rodeo and the Swallowsfame, became Starvin Hungry.Unfortunately nobody could tell themapart. They tried everything to get peopleto realize they were different: they juggledback and forth between solo and duo, Johneven got a giant snake & skull tattooed onhis chest but still nothing worked. Finally,after three years John left his brother andtraveled to the enchanted world ofMontreal. There he managed to gather aband of merry men to bring StarvinHungry music to the masses. John evenmanaged to wrangle a member out ofTricky Woo and when he got scaredreplaced him with a little Soft Canyon.

What band/solo artist does your bandnever want to be compared to?

The Tea Party comes to mind as do TheSmiths and The Cure. Oh and uhh.... HotHot Heat. On your dream bill, what two acts wouldStarvin Hungry be sandwiched inbetween?The Velvet Underground and TheDirtbombs. We’d be happy to be destroyedon stage by both bands. What recording humbles you every timeyou hear it and why? The list is endless but the current choicewould have to be Dangerous Magical Noiseby The Dirtbombs or Wonderful Rainbow byLightning Bolt. Worst gig ever?Opening for The Constantines in front of aminute, apathetic crowd. Most of them werewaiting outside the club for us to finish ourset. John’s amp died during soundcheck andthe other opening act refused to lend himtheirs. We sucked. Favourite beats coming out of the WCR(Western Canadian Region) scene, G? No Means No, Nasty On, Carolyn Mark, 3Inches of Blood, the first two Battleaxecomps, Rock & Hyde, Loverboy andChilliwack.

-Ryan Calvery

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Black Label SocietyBoozed, Broozed & Broken BonedSpitfire/Eagle Vision

The main attraction here is Ozzy Osbourne’sguitarist, Zakk Wylde, and his band BlackLabel Society playing a sold out show in frontof 3,000 boozed maniacs at Harpo’s inDetroit. Zakk has his own insane rock guitarstyle and slays a Les Paul like no other. Somesongs are definitely on the CHEEEESE bor-derline, but when you’re as boozed andbroozed as these fans are it just doesn’t mat-ter. This visual feast has a bunch of options.There’s an interview section where Zakk talksabout everything from being a jock to his firstGibson to a bunch of other stuff that he mum-bles his way through. There’s even a segmentcalled “3 minutes with Rae Rae” where hesings with his baby daughter (I dare you to

tell him that it’s gay). What rocker digitalendeavour would be complete without a cou-ple of longhairs sitting on stools doing anunplugged set somewhere? Rockers ain’tfunny, especially when they are trying to be,so skip the section called “Dumb Shit”.Wylde does shred a rendition of “The StarSpangled Banner” that would definitelystraighten Jimi’s ‘fro and he does it at an L.A.Kings game. Also included is the band’svideo for “Stillborn” directed by Wylde’sgood buddy Rob Zombie. The best section,however, is the “Hardcore Vol.1 GuitarLesson” by Zakk himself......spread thecheese from crust to crust. I played along withmy own axe and still couldn’t quite nail thoseZakk Wylde Hammer-ons. All in all, enter-taining and my hair grew a full six inches bythe end of it.

-Jono Jak

Every month The Nerve gets a dozenor so CDs that make us wonder ifthe band’s publicist has ever read

our magazine. So, from now on we’regoing to feature the most heinous exampleof shite music that lands on our doorstepand see what the artist(s) have to say forthemselves. Here’s our June staff pick:

Evil & Stupids/tIndependent

It takes a particularly corny coil to draw worstalbum status. However, this pretentious,over-reaching, masturbatory tripe that takesitself seriously deserves not only the title, buta counter-attack. How dare you slap the faceof Pan himself? Even grandma sprung for aKorg in 1985 and stopped using that wood-panelled organ with six different pre-setmetronomic drumbeats. Shag carpeting, lavalamps, wood-panel walls that match thatdamn organ are unforgivable in the modernday of this great country. Tambourines stopand unexplainably start; the organ starts andsuddenly stops; a man of highly questionablehardiness starts speak-singing and drifts off;but that fucking synthetic robo, water-torturedrumming NEVER STOPS. Now a woman isreading a kids book. Ugh. Put this album tosleep!

-J. Pee Patchez

Nerve: What were you thinking?

Evil & Stupid: What were we thinking?Let’s see what the Motley Crüe revivalists atthe Nerve think, darling. I guess we shouldhave put a vagina on the cover.PS - Should I wear spikes live?

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Wolves in Cheap Clothing

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MusicMusic

Looks can be so bloody deceiving. TakeThe Span, for instance. I walked in halfway through their set and was instantly

blown away. I remember seeing Ben fromLucky watching the band closely. Hescreamed in my direction, “Have you seenthese guys yet!?” I hadn’t. From the smallcrowd I assumed they were from out of town.Fuck, they were good. A four piece playingsome of the catchiest pop-punk I’d heard in along, long time. But as great the Span guyssounded that night, something was off. Theylooked wrong. Now I hate to categorize peopleor label them, but honestly man, I was half-waiting for my dad to stand up from behind thekit. There wasn’t a single black t-shirt or visi-ble tattoo up there. Isn’t that illegal now orsomething? As I continued to watch them tearthrough one great song after another, I could-n’t help but think, “Shit, where do these guysget off sounding like Samiam meets ThePromise Ring when they look like they shouldbe programming someone’s computer? I hadto know what was going on with The Span soI did what I always do when I’m really stokedon a live band and I’ve been drinking since2:00pm: I introduced myself.

Over a beer or three, I shout at lead gui-tarist Dwayne about how much I loved the setand that I’d like to do an article about the band.Dwayne agrees and I learn the cold hard truthabout The Span. Just what I expected, too.They’re friends that have come fromChilliwack and Cobble Hill to Victoria to, getthis, actually make a go of playing music for aliving! They chose to avoid Vancouver andother major cities with any music industrybullshit. I figure I got these guys pegged rightfrom the start. Fuckers. Is this what punk has

become? Why not move to Bowser or OysterBay? No industry bullshit there. Eventually Imeet the drummer Lindy, who is of course notmy dad, and Trenton who plays guitar. I tellthem how much I loved the set. They all smileand thank me for coming. Nice guys, eh? Imention the whole sound thing, hoping thatthey are huge fans of some of my favouritegroups and this will explain why they are sogood at this shit. ”You guys sound a lot likeSamiam and The Promise Ring, man. Youmust be huge fans right?” Dwayne takes a sipof his beer, smiles way too politely for punkrock and asks, “Who’s Samiam? The Promisewhat?” Now I’m just angry.

Pushing aside my frustration, I kept myword and made a date with the band for a fullinterview and photo shoot. I have to admitthough; I was hesitating about doing the story.I’m a huge fan but are they, dare I say it, punkenough for the pages ofThe Nerve? After aquick chat withThe Nerve editor, the idea of astandard interview was scrapped. Instead, wewould try to do something more involved—gobowling or shoot pool or go to the Petting Zooin Beacon Hill Park – anything to make thisarticle a little more colourful. Ya, that soundspunk—do your story at the fucking heavy pet-ting zoo. Fucking GNAR! I called Dwayneback to get his thoughts. He loved the zoo ideabut wanted to save it for Exclaim. I neededhelp but I wasn’t prepared for his suggestion.We decided to meet on Friday night to do whatThe Span do every Friday night—go drinking.I’m sorry, what did you say?

Friday night. 10:00pm. DowntownVictoria. I was already a bit loaded, I gotblindsided by an old friend carrying a full bot-tle of champagne. We pop the bottle and Ithink, this is gonna be a good year. The Spanarrives, down goes the champagne, out come

the tits and the game is fucking on. I don’tknow what kind of workout system thesedudes have or what kind of special dietsthey’re on—I know it’s not Atkins—but whenthese guys aren’t being super nice to everyoneand looking like my dad, they’re drinking hardliquor under a table somewhere. What hap-pened next is a blur. Like you, the reader, Ihave only these photos to help tell the story.All I know about that night is that between theguys telling me about their love of Radiohead,writing songs about life, recording their firstalbum with famed Island engineer ScottHenderson, and Dwayne telling me he onlystarted singing two years ago, I drank morehard liquor, chaser-free, than I have ever drankbefore.

So, The Span is my favourite new Van.Island band. This title carries a few responsi-bilities for both the band and myself. I will goto all of their local shows, get too drunk andstart my own private pit while pissing off alltheir close friends and family. I will yell loud-ly in between their songs about how good thelast song was, drawing as much attention tomyself as possible. I will tell as many peopleabout The Span as I can, describing in detailhow they sound like bands that they havenever actually heard. I will write about them inThe Nerve so people will remember to checkthem out when they play. And I will nevermention how un-punk they look. It ain’t adress code, man – it’s a state of mind. I will doall this and more in exchange for a promisefrom The Span that they never, no matter howmuch press it might get them, make me meetthem for drinks ever again.

The Span’s self titled, first full length CD isout now on 15 Story Records.

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Spa

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Too drunk to fuck: puzzled by a human female, The Span accidentally rip both her legs off.

The Span Prove That Hooks Matter More Than Looks

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It figures that we get one of the greatestlineups in a long time and I miss half theshow. I blame Seany Blitzkrieg (of The

Ramores) and Cowboy Bob for coming overand drinking all my liquor before the show.I’ve been waiting to see Married to Musicopen for NoMeansNo since the first time Iseen those guys and blew it. My apologies.

As for the old timers, the Wright brothersare still at it and they still got it. At times a lit-tle rusty, they still hammered out some of thebest bass-heavy punk rock out there. They

played songs from all their albums and endedthe night with two encores and a molasses-slow rendition of “Beat on the Brat”. Didn’tget to see the Neanderthal jock who sucker-punched me at the last Married to Music show.If you’re actually literate and are reading thisfucko: I hope you feel real good about exert-ing your masculinity on a 130 lb. weakling.By the by, what were you doing using thegirl’s bathroom anyways? Queer.The NoMeansNo show was good.

- Cowboy TexAss

The Boot Pub rocks and we can all thankPaul, Lindsay and the Nerve Empire forbringing in such a stellar fucking show.

Misconduct made the trip all theway from Sweden to play in Whistler for theGrind Tour. These kids are full of energy,catchy and heavy hooks plus they seem toplay their pop-punk songs while spending halfthe time in the air. Overall, Misconduct was atight band that rocked the socks off the capac-ity crowd at the Boot. The majority of theirblistering set was off their new full length…united as one.

Tsunami Bomb took the stage and theirlovely vocalist, Agent M, blew the roof off theBoot. What can you say about an extremelytalented, hyperactive stage commander—good looking to boot—that keeps you mes-merized? Holy fuck is what I say! Despite alleyes on Agent M, it was the unit as a wholethat made the set a knock-out punch.

I have watched Belvedere’s musicalcareer over the years and can say that theseguys get better and better with every liveshow. Playing their golden oldies from 1998’sBecause No one Stopped Us to newer materi-

al off their latest full length, Fast ForwardEats the Tape, these guys will not stop foranything and good on ‘em. They displayed thecharacteristics of true punk rock veterans.

Bigwig: some of the nicest guys I’ve metin the industry and they truly enjoy the B.C.Chron. They rocked, had the patrons singingtheir songs and literally dancing in a spasticepileptic fashion. If you missed them yousuck and need to be educated about goodpunk rock. Don’t be so fucking cheap andsupport your punk rock scene.

Death By Stereo took to the stage and theenergy level was so intense, I could feel my‘roid jingle between my cheeks. I say thatthese guys fuck California, move to B.C. andplay monthly shows for me. Yes you read thatright, ME. Fresh from a tour opening forSlipknot, they played their instrumentsabsolutely perfectly. Lead singer Efremshared the mic with whoever was up front andnot a word was missed. As well, if you’rethinking of becoming a drummer – listen toTodd Henning’s drumming and think twicebecause you most likely suck.

-Die from Death

The Hangmen, John Ford, Blood Meridian@ The Brickyard, VancouverThursday, May 13th

NoMeansNo, Married to Music, Ford Pier@ Richards on Richards, VancouverWednesday, May 19th

Grind Tour 2004 – Death By Stereo, BigWig, Belvedere, Tsunami Bomb, Misconduct@ The Boot Pub, WhistlerSaturday, May 15thph

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Agood ole hillbilly show is the perfectplace for a Texass family outing, so forMother’s Day I done took my ole hill-

billy ma out to see her favourite band. TheDrink door guy searched me, but Ma managedto sneak in a flask of her home-cooked cornwhiskey. Good ole ma. Classy place, TheDrink is—and they serve liquor in plasticcups.

The late Ray Condo was supposed toopen up this here show but since he couldn’tmake it (R.I.P.) they threw in some randomreplacement, didn’t introduce ‘em and hopedno one would notice. The no-name bandplayed background Alt-Country music withno character or soul and with the volumeturned down. Tex’s ma was bored.

As soon as the boys and gal ofS.C.O.T.S. hit the stage our table was emptiedlike a shot of whiskey. “These guys remind

me of back home, junior!” Tex’s ma shoutswhile boogying on the dance floor. SouthernCulture brought their country funk, hillbillysurf and even dished up some swamp garageboogie from their new album Mojo Box thatgot the whole bar on the dance floor. Theyfollowed that up with a picnic pack of songsfrom their 19-year back catalogue that are allabout eatin’ chicken, drivin’ cars, drinkin’ andlovin’. Rick Miller paid homage to DickDale with some smoking surf guitar pickin’while bassist Mary Huff and that candy sweetvoice of hers took over on the mic for a hand-ful of songs. Aside from finally replacing thefat clown (and his keyboards) with a newtrailer park reject, these guys have stayed reli-ably the same, delivering the same good ener-gy, good times, good tunes and fried chicken.Tex’s ma says, “yeehaw”.

-Cowboy TexAss

Southern Culture on the Skids@ The Drink, VancouverSunday May 9th, 2004

LivLive We Wirireses

The Hangmen

Once in a while a cool obscure band willblow up so huge it makes you puke.Then there are those highly influential

bands that slug it out for years and can’t seemto get arrested (unless drunk). L.A. rock out-fit The Hangmen are still standing while manyother bands around them have burnt out orbusted up and seeing them live explains it all.Not sure how many of them are original mem-bers aside from ultrasexy singer/guitaristBryan Small but they are a tight unit that canonly described as Supersuckers + Rocket fromthe Crypt. The Hangmen slipped over/undermy radar as a young ‘un but after that show Ineed one of their albums - so many bands, solittle $.I feel Vancouver’s punked up arena rock bandJohn Ford is one the most underrated in town.(I’m not sayin’ this ‘cuz I know them--I thinkthey’re all PRICKS!) Their sound is all over

the map, blink and you’ll miss a genre. Plus,I’m always sucked in by bands with tag-teamvocals. JoFo should have a wider appeal butfor some reason, most of the lil’ rock brats inthis city are only into image-- as opposed toslick musicianship. Hey assholes: Just ‘cuzyou’re all fashion victims doesn’t mean allbands should be.

I had never seen openers Blood Meridianand was curious how they’d sound since thisgroup was formed by ex-Black Halo MattCamirand. I was completely shocked byhow…mellow they are. Camirand sings sodelicately and musically that they soundrather subdued, although they picked up thepace for their last song. They reminded meof latter-day Pavement. It’ll be interesting tosee what direction they end up choosing downthe road.

-Casey Cougar

As I blinkingly descend into a whirlwindstate of mind, the only films that seemto make sense to watch again and again

is the haunted house epic. The cheapened aes-thetic possibilities are relentless. Trying to geta keen sense of all this haunted aesthetic andfeel, I’ve been gathering as many old pre-codehorror reprints as I can, going for the old ECillustrative efforts that spell good ol’ horror ide-ology and twisty murder spouse story lines thatobsessively recreate some sort of fucked upAmericana relationship hole. Along with thepile of ECs, I also tackled the TALES TOOTERRIBLE TO TELL and FIFTIES HORRORreprint titles and guides to see more of the spec-trum of the horror efforts from the goldenfifties. Even the seventies promise of HOR-ROR TALES and WITCHES’ TALES had theright idea, but were hit and miss compared tothe mouldy creaturific oldies. All of these,again, reached to quench some sort of bloodthirst for the spreading of the dark hauntplague, but it still needed some virtual move-ment and creep show action to seal the deal inblood and wax mask paper.

As I meandered through the newishreleases from the one and only SomethingWeird Video, I noticed (after still trying torecover from their long awaited SWAMP OFTHE RAVENS release) the aptly titled MON-STER CRASH THE PYJAMA PARTY SpookShow Spectacular DVD that had the skeletonaesthetic that I’ve been searching for.

This DVD, first and foremost, is cap-italizing on the old spook-show idea. In the olddays, teens got to watch a good horror flickaccompanied by theatre-planned strange occur-rences up and down the walkways, within thecrowds, or from the balconies. It didn’t stopthere, as many of the film features were thrownaside for straight up live action stage showsthat had actors, monsters, and screamingwomen prepared before hand for the theatreturned death house. MCTPP Spook ShowSpectacular is an amazing DVD with HOURSof special features that you can click away atfor your every day Halloween party. Here’s arundown of some of the things you get:

MONSTERS CRASH THE PYJAMA PARTY(1965)

An actual film that was used for audience par-ticipation/victims that is more of a hauntedhouse comedy than a straight fright fest, whichis kind of a bummer since the kids back thenwould have freaked out at anything cold fallingon their faces or reaching out for them regard-less of the cop-out horror comedy bit.

45 MINUTES OF SPOOK SHOW TRAILERSI find myself watching this feature again andagain for the art of the old B/W live spookshow trailers and the intensity of the horrorificdialogue. Things along the lines of, “See mon-sters through the aisle and cut off girls’ heads!”The darkened hues and fangtastic narrationagainst the haunted paintings and drippingwords that appear on the screen would makeany retro rockabilly horror band cry. Worth theprice of the DVD alone and rapidly becomingone of my most watched “features”.

GALLERY OF SPOOK SHOW STILLS300 images of ads and posters for the old spookshows gathered and scanned for the DVD bySomething Weird. VERY cool skeletons, crea-tures, and ghosts terrorizing mankind with clut-tered typography that goes along well after thetrailers since as you watch the slide show youget to dig the radio ads.

SPOOK HOUSE RIDE Actual film footage of a cool ride through minitrain car haunted house at a fair or carnival.

TORMENTED (1960 Dir: Bert I. Gordon)This was the icing on the bloodied cake thatmade me decide to grab this DVD. RichardCarlson (THE CREATURE FROM THEBLACK LAGOON) is haunted by a flooziethat he let fall from the top of a lighthouse. Hehas another woman lined up and didn’t needthe fast one screwing things up for him. Ofcourse, her ghost antics drive him crazy and thewhole ocean ghost beach seaweed rot extrava-ganza is always a plus for any haunted darkocean story run amok. PLUS… lots of other extras including a guideto making your own spook show straight fromsome old leaflet instructions for a theatre.Now, if anyone had the balls to do a spookshow up here and try to resurrect this thing,we’d all be dead from screaming with pureheadless TERROR.

GoreOptic Nerve

FFilmilm

The dawn of DVD has been a boon tonerds everywhere. But where the for-mat has really taken off is within the

realm of TV. More and more, cult shows thatfans thought would never see the inside of apicture tube again have been making appear-ances in deluxe DVD box sets. This pastApril 27th was a watershed day, as it saw therelease of a pair of sets whose simple exis-tence speaks volumes about the power of astrong fan base.

Freaks and Geeks ran for 18 episodeson various nights on NBC in 1999 and 2000.The death knell seemed to sound as soon asthe show was out of the gate, and the fact thatit managed to last as long as it did is remark-able. In the wake of a great deal of ridicu-lous high school dramas, Freaks and Geekswas welcomed as a refreshing and realisticchange of pace. Being too smart for TV, itwas never meant to last. Nevertheless, anon-line campaign (spurned by series co-cre-ators Paul Feig and Judd Apatow) allowedthe show to jump through some logistichoops (mainly music clearance) to ascend tothe relative posterity of DVD.

I’m sure I don’t need to introduce any-one to the Kids in the Hall. Canada’s fore-most comedy troupe, the Kids ran for 5 sea-sons from 1989-1994 on CBC and HBO. AK.I.T.H. set was pretty much a foregone con-clusion, but for the longest time it was onlyavailable via their web site. Demand provedto be so great that a mass-market set waseventually announced.

Freaks and Geeks is one of those showsthat was never meant to last on network TV.There is no doubt it touched a nerve with itsincisive recreation of high school in all itsshitty glory. Packed with commentaries,deleted scenes, out-takes and other swag,this massive 6-disc set is so bountiful italmost makes me want to cry. Freaks andGeeks is one of those shows that was nevermeant to last on network TV. There is nodoubt it touched a nerve with its incisiverecreation of high school in all its shittyglory. Now I know you’ve heard this kind ofthing before, but the extras here make a greatshow even greater. Most impressive are thecommentaries, and while I’ve only been ableto sample a handful of the 29 or so, Co-cre-

ators Feig and Apatow are featured on mostof the commentaries and they are masters atengaging those who appear (from the cast, toa group of super-nerdy fans) in scintillatingdiscussion. Simply because getting interest-ing commentary out of actors who usuallysound like they have nothing else better to doif like pulling teeth, Feig and Apatowdeserve huge points for creating a DVDpackage that does their little show justice.

Anyone who came of age in the early‘90s knows and loves Kids in the Hall, more-over, anyone who knows anything aboutcomedy has Kids in the Hall to thank forturning it on its ear. Masters of subversivesuburban-influenced humor, the Kids havebeen deservedly treasured like a dirty littlesecret.

Being 13 in 1989, I grew up with theKids. They pretty much came along at theperfect time, just as I was starting to questionthe validity of Sunday dinners and mowingthe lawn. The Kids greatest strength lies intheir dead-on parodies of the worlds theycame from, from their merciless skeweringof office politics, to their critical yet endear-ing critique of the family unit. Besides thefact that they said “shit” and “fuck” on TV,this was the most exciting thing about theshow.

The great thing about the Kids DVD setis how the humor not only holds up, but hasbecome more complex and poignant overtime. A great example is the legendarysketch “Womyn”, in which a group of guysplaying cards around a table eventuallyreveal how they’d like to become emotional-ly and physically more like women (“Okaygents, I wanna be a dyke.”) Now that I’m thesame age as the Kids were when they weremaking the show, everything I found funnyas a kid just makes that much more sense.

The DVD set itself is, well, not thatimpressive. The Kids do a ramshackle, ill-prepared commentary for a few sketches,and there is some early performance footagethat’s certainly of interest, but for the mostpart there’s not much to get excited aboutwith regard to special features. No matter, asthe real meat are the episodes themselves.Utterly unique, the Kids in the Hall are forthe ages.

Freaks and Geeks: The Complete Series

The Kids in the Hall: Season One

By Bjorn Olson

The Haunted House (or) Girls Get Their Heads Cut OffBy Sinister Sam

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Vans Demo RocksThe Vans Demo Thursday, May 20 at HastingsPark was a skate/drinking fest, more like asummer BBQ than an athletic event. It hadtasty waves, free hot dogs and some cool bud.Cab & Ray Barbee rockin’ the bowl and stripedknee-socks, TnT rocked backside Smiths withone green and one black shoe (yes children, the80’s returneth). Cardiel was absent, recoveringfrom a car accident, leaving the door open fortha locs to shine. Keegan Sauder (big transfers,360 blunt transfer, lookin’ good in a big pinkhat), Johnny B with tha BS Smiths as well,Craig Williams and Dave Priest were goingoff... sometimes domestic can be as tasty asimported.

Slam City ResultsThe Men’s Street contest was a chaotic frenzyof skating, including a best trick and long gapcontest. Greg Lutzka won street, Rodil placedsecond with a really solid run (switch fs/ts tofakie, full speed gap to front lip), RyanSheckler third with solid tricks - does he evercome off? (kf front board), 4 Colt Cannon (360flip up, to crooks down ledge, fs/nosegrind, kfmanual to fs/bs), 5 Austen Seaholm (ns tp fsattempts down a ledge, ns to switch fs-5-0,combotricks), 6 Van local Chris Haslam (360flip bs, kf varial fs/bs, nollie front foot flip,Plan B style), 7 Van local Rick McCrank(krooks down a big rail, bs smith along flat bar,fs flip revert), 8 Dayne Brummet(fs 5-0 180 outbacklip on flat bar, switch front lip down rail),9 Carlos de Andrade (lots of pop and control,bs ollie 360 bigspin), 10 Tony Trujillo, 11 PaulRodriguez , 12 Chad Fernandez (kf to 180nosegrind, fs/ts fakie down 10 stair granite), 13Daniel Vieira, 14 Van local Paul Machnau(popshuv to fs nosegrind, fs nosebluntslide onborrowed board after breaking his own), 15Clint Peterson. Canadian skaters representedand lots of locals placed pretty well - 21 TedDeGros (switch 5-0 on ledge), 25 JordanMcInnis, 31 Geoff Dermer (switch ns, shuvitout), 32 Aaron Johnson, 34 Moses Itkonen, 35Kris Foley, 38 Trevor Houlihan, 44 MikeHastie, 49 Keegan Sauder, 51 Brett Stobbart,

52 Jason Dashney, 53 Jordan Hoffart, 56 SeanHayes, 58 Gailea Momolu, 60 Chris Kendall,61 Josh Evin, 62 Swell Lloydsmith. Men’sVert was won by Bucky Lasek, 2 Chris Gentry,3 Sandro Dias, 4 Lincoln Ueda, 5 Andy Mac.Canadian rippers include – 10 Pierre-LucGagnon, MTL, 16 Max Dufour, MTL, 24Anthony Hancock, Calgary. The long gapcomp was won by Tony Trujillo, clearing 18’6’(no joke!) and matched (after timeout) by localripper Josh Evin.

Look out boyz, tha girlz are coming up,Girls Street results as follows: 1 VanessaTorres (kf/bs down rail), 2 Elissa Steamer (bigkf over hip), 3 Lauren Perkins, 4 PatianeFreitas, 5 Jessica Krause, and Canadians - 9Jessie Van Roechoudt , 15 Alison Matasi, 18Rose Archie, 20 Cass Belanger. Girl’s Vertresults, 1 Cara-Beth, 2 Mimi Knoop, 3 Lyn-ZAdams Hawkins, 4 Holly Lyons, 5 Tina Neff.and Whistler local Starr Quinn placed 7th.

Friday April 30, Slam held a competi-tion in the W49 Public Skatepark for most con-secutive kickflips, no sketchy primo landings,with only 3 seconds between each. First prizewas a weeklong trip to the Vans High CascadeSnowboard/Skateboard camp in Oregon. Thesecond highest didn’t break 50, but PittMeadows local, 15 yr old David Novotny,landed 75 kickflips in a row.

Upcoming:The Bowl Series is taking over BC this sum-mer, so check out your local skate shops forposters and event dates coming soon. TheUnderattack Tour is coming your way this sum-mer as well - check underworld.com for datesnear you. Alex has opened an Underworldskatepark to go along with the shop, so check itout! In other East Coast news, the Southshoreof Mtl has a new park, and Mtl loc/occasionalWhistler loc, Mike Townsend is now in Vans,Canada. Shouts! Skimmin’ season is here, sodrop by the hoptshop, get a tidal chart and outand drop some rad coffins on us.

-D-Rock and Miss Kim with Jay Pay. Email us at downspace@telus.net.

25

AinswAinsworortthh

Skate Spot

Slam City - No Joke!

The best thing about chewingtobacco is you can talkabout it endlessly, often for

months. Last month I told youpeople about the proper care andmaintenance of a spittoon, andnow I get this letter from this idiot,this… goddamned goofool who had the end-less gall to ask me how, in fact, how a fellowshould go about learning the habit. First of all,this is something that should be learned fromyour father. My father taught me, I’m notplaying the surrogate father game to youscumfuck readers, fuck off. Second of all, youreally should just know. Instinct, that’s whatthe scientists call it. The…. Understanding oftobacco handling is as natural to a superiorman as riding horses. You should just know.The fact is that you, Mr. Justin Anderson of2376 W.70th ave, Vancouver, BC, are no man.You’re a walking half animal, possible afemale ape of some sort, absolutely repulsive.Just how rottenly awful are you, Justin?

Anyway, I figure, what the hell, I’ll tellyou subanimals how it’s done, how to walkthe talk as they say in betting circles. I haveprovided illustrations at my expense, becauseno expense should be spared when looking forthe truth, as Diomenes said. And it’s as truenow as it was then.

First, take the little disk thing in the lefthand. Also you can buy the little disk in a vari-ety of stores. I like Copenhagen brand tobac-co, but you might want to experiment a bit.

Now open it, this is kind of tricky, give ita twist or something. Hey Presto! It’s open.That horrid ammonia smell is as natural as asummer’s rain.

Take a pinch. Insert that pinch in mouth.Scoochle it over into the side of your filthydripping mouth using your sensual toungue.Give it a good squiggle.

By the Holy Mother of Kazan do NOT,repeat not, swallow the mouth mess. It’s natu-ral for your rotten mouth to produce spit. Mixthe spit into the tobacco using your long, rot-ten, sensual gay tongue. You do so much withthat tongue, don’t you, you fat dirty whore….

By the Holy Saint Sophia do not, underany circumstances, hesitate to spit. As I saidlast issue, people who look down on spittingproud men are “not fit for work.”

Make sure to have your spittoon at theready!!! I recommend putting down somepapers in case you miss. It’s okay to misswhen you’re a novice. And you will miss, inthe beginning. But you won’t miss… whenyou’re a man.

(I got this nice spittoon just the other day,its hand decorated and very very chic. If youneed one, call 720-7632 and ask for Carl. Youwon’t be disappointed; it is a very nice spit-toon.)

Do not, by the holy Mother of SaintCyril, under any circumstances, let the messall dribble out of the corner of your mouth andall over everywhere, because it doesn’t lookgood.

It all came out of my nose at one partic-ularly entertaining juncture.

Now, hooshle it out, straight into the spit-toon and not on the walls. You’re done! Itreally is this simple! Now light up a regularcigarette and fuck, it’s like your head leaps upto the moon and sucks itself. It’s a great feel-ing. Very sensual.

Anyway, I don’t know about you, but Isee a pretty bleak day at the horse races thisSaturday. It’s a dicksucking extravaganza, Ireckon, just staying at home and practicingyour tobacco might be the best answer. Still, Ilike Sandshrew in the fourth, Annie’s Legacyin the fifth won’t suck your cock. Sixth, thatone’s a cocksucker. Cocksucker of a race. Ihave Jody H, but, come on, it’s all a suck-cockmouth action situation. Seventh race is a com-plete cocksucker; you’re on your own. ExoticSheeba might suck your cock. Play this onefor the odds, fellows. It’s all cocksuckingfaghanging gay action in this one. The eighthrace can just suck your dick right out of you.Total cocksucking race. Shesagoldmine looksinteresting, for a cocksucker, but coming off along break, it just aint good cocksuckermoney. Really, you might as well just stayhome and practice spitting your tobacco.Thanks for reading!!!

The Bloody Road to Death

By J. Ainsworth

phot

o: M

iss

Kim

Jamie Thomas frontboards thru the kinks

26

Clean Air Exhaust SystemClean Air Exhaust System13 Turn Road Course Reaching 60+ km/h13 Turn Road Course Reaching 60+ km/hHead to Head Racing With Up To 12 DriversHead to Head Racing With Up To 12 Drivers$10 Monday Madness$10 Monday MadnessGroup Rates For Parties, Fun, and WorkGroup Rates For Parties, Fun, and Work

Clean Air Exhaust System13 Turn Road Course Reaching 60+ km/hHead to Head Racing With Up To 12 Drivers$10 Monday MadnessGroup Rates For Parties, Fun, and Work

27

Puzzle Page

Across1. Breast area6. Hot stripes?11. Sprint_____14. The Soprano’s place15. Type of acid16. Uncensored17. 1/3 of Henry Miller’strilogy18. Romantic flowers19. Jackie O’s jo20. One of21. _____the season23. Toronto-MontrealExpress24. Until now25. Place where sex happensusually26. Supporter of 1 Across27. Mexi-PCP (abbr)28. Serpent31. 1/6 of NWA32. South Park surname33. 2nd Samiam LP34. Of easiest virtue36. S/M41. Opts42. Carmella’s real name43. Fetish material46. Nintendo EntertainmentSystem47. Fish hook feature48. God of Love49. Francisco starter50. Lou Gehrig’s disease51. Opp. of Ave.52. Type of lifestyle53. Busty West54. Emergency MedicalAssistance57. What 49D might call 5D58. _____ Quebecois60. Copier name62. Chin or Guyan follower63. ______ of the world64. Golden shower medium65. Southpaw’s jabs (abbr)66. 1/3 of sexy trilogy67. 25A and more

Down1. ______ Fide2. Sexually uninhibited3. Desirable4. Oral Roberts University5. Top6. It’ll leave you breathless7. With feelings8. 5D’s perhaps9. Anal douche10. Olfactory organ11. “Like a ______” (madge)12. Touch sensually13. One who is 5D and 49D22. One of the componentsof the psyche25. Puts down26. Make wider27. Eminem’s surname28. Spanking target29. Shithead’strio30. Dear ol’____31. 5D perhaps32. Master SlaveConnection34. Livestock &MeatCommission35. Goddess ofthe dawn37. Madge’sbook38. Groom’s

promise39. Lust, eg.40. Goody two shoes actressRyan43. Inferior44. The ______ formerlyknown...45. Bon Jovi Drummer Tico47. Last in Miller’s trilogy49. Servile50. 12 step org.52. Mimes53. Young woman’s address54. The Red55. Holy Man56. Guitars59. Artificial neurons61. The great depression, eg.

Last Issue’s Solution:

Crossword-by Dan Scum

Bring your completed puzzles in person:to The Nerve office weekdays between 12- 5pm or you canmail them to:

The Nerve Magazine 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, BC V6Z-1K9

N e r v e l a n dS m u t R a n c h

Jessie James’s BoneanzaStarring: Jessie James, Veronica, Lexxxy,Courtney Coxx, Gabriel Kane, GoldieSummers, Tess, Alex, Barry, Peter, Rock Allen,Michael Angelo.

Because of the title of this little cinematicditty, I was expecting to a good old-fash-ioned western sex-off and, yeah, that’s

pretty much you get. Actually, it was more of asex-a-thon as Jessie starts off by breaking in anew stud and then takes others for a ride… tak-ing it every which way she can. In the secondscene, Jessie introduces one of her studs to anew girl, a country girl and they fuck to somecountry square dance music. Jessie watches fora while and masturbates before getting in on abit of the action. All the women in this film aresmokin’ hot. TONNES of threesome actionwith some wonderful double penetration andbum hole sex. There is one threesome wheretoys are used and Jessie dons a strap-on. Thisfilm kinda drags near the end and the finale isjust one-on-one action with Jessie just watchingthe action and jerkin’ it in the corner, again. Inthe finale, the guy cums in the girl’s ass and sheslowly lets it dribble out. She then uses hersphincter muscles to make here anus say “bye-bye” to the camera, which is, if anything, some-thing worth seeing.

Kink-O-Rama Vol. 17Kink-O-Rama is a compilation of scenes of acircus freak-show nature, not to be confusedwith the Ron Jeremy flick bearing the samename. I went on the internet to find out a littleabout this film, and came up with practicallynothing. All I found were links to sites usingthe name “Foot-O-Rama,” and “Man-O-Rama.”To make things even more bizarre, I couldn’tfind this movie is a XXX shop that specializesin hard-to-find porn, but instead, I got it in amainstream video store’s adult section. Onewould have thought that a series that made abutt-load of films would have at least some-thing on it. None of the actors are even credit-ed! Perhaps this is not a bad thing consideringthe low production value and straight up freaky

shit in this one. So, what could one expect tosee in a film like this? You won’t get any storyconnecting the scenes together, or interestingdialog, or even any good looking actors… actu-ally, there is one and she looks like ErikaEleniak, remember, from Baywatch? But that’sabout it. What you will see is a freak-show ofabnormal proportions, and that proportion isBIG. For this film, bigger is better. In a laterscene there’s a guy with a 24-inch cock thatgushes load after load of cum, completely cov-ering a woman’s stomach and tits. There is ascene where some dude sucks his own dick, andcums in his mouth. Uh, yeah, good job buddy.You will also witness a couple of threesomes,toys, bondage, sodomy, hot lesbian action, her-maphrodites, and, you guessed it, milk squirtin’tits.

-Max Crown

Bring in the completed puzzle and win 2 fine Rock ‘n’ Roll CD’s!

SLIPKNOT- Iowaalso available:

SLIPKNOT- Slipknot

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Our Neighbourhood

MACHINEHEAD- Through

The AshesOf Empire

KILLSWITCHENGAGE- The End Of

Heartache

The new albumVol.3 (The Subliminal Verses)Produced byRick Rubin

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