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Transcript of The Siren Every S One Ilcfpw-Sl T Remington Portable Typewriter ...
The S I R E N
EV ER Y S O N E
Ilc
fpw- S L
t
REM IN G T O NPo r t able Typ ew r i t e rThe Rem in gton Portable w i ll serve you well— no t on ly i n
schoolo r college ,but fory ears and years to com e . It w i llg ive
you a tt ain i ngwh i ch wi llbe helpfulto you i n allyour after li fe .
Compact— hts in a case on ly four in ches h igh .
Camp/ete— has the four - row keyboard— no sh i fting fo r
figures— just like thebig mach in es.
Convenient— canbe operated on your lap i f you w ish , fo r
i t carries i ts table on i tsback .
Come i n and see the Rem in gton Po rtable .
Pri ce , complete w i th case , $60. Easy paymen t terms i f
desired.
J .W. CORRINGTON SALES CO . REMINGTON TY PEWRITER CO .
606 E. G reen Stree t 230N . Ma in StreetChampa ign , Ill. D eca tur , Ill.
[ 1 ]
5821987
The S I R E N
o*ou—nu—|m—nu—nu—ml—un—ml—u—n—n—m—n
—n-II'_OIIMU- lo lm— INI— “ll— Ilfl— ufl— m— I’ln— "ll — m*
We Can Make
anyth ing you wan t
for that par ty order .
Phone us ea r l y tha t we maytake good ca re of you rr equi r emen ts .
Lady Fi nger s , K i sses ,Macaroon s , Pa tti es ,hi er i ngue Sh ells ,Timbales , Cheese
Sticks , Fr ench or D an
i sh Pas try , Ind iv idual
or large C akes
All Ki nds
Berryman
Bakery21 3 South Nei l
On th e Way to Town
— ln — ull_ lm- .fl - l l l l — lm— I||— |ll— m|
—m1—|u|—|mflll
—"n—|m—m—|mfl
I'l—fl—Il
One college g r aduate made a f or :
tune hy br eed i ng h i s sh eep sk i n and
now h e h as qui te a s h eep r an ch .
SD ead dogsbury nobones .
SFRESH : How long wi l l I have to
wa i t for a sh ave ? "Bmmnn : Yea r s , sonny, yea r s .
S,Th e n ewspape r i s a g r ea t th i n g , i t
enables you to wo r ry about th e
wo r ld '
s t roubles .
SCh ampa i gn has some wonde r ful seafood ma r k ets , but most of th e fish
l i ve a r oun d th e Un i ve r s i ty.S
It takes a pett i n g pa r ty to mak e
m i dn i gh t s eem l i ke 9 o’clock .
SIn F r ance , college s tuden ts are
ca l led etud ian ts , wh i ch i s noth i ng to
wha t th ey a re somet imes ca l led i n
Ame r i ca .
S
Wh en a g i r l i ns i sts upon a man’
s
s avi ng h i s mon ey, h e i s sho r tly goi n g to need i t .
THE COURT HOUSE
CAFE
WM . H . GATES, Propr i e tor
108 East Ma in Street
URBANA , ILLINOIS
m_ —|m—|m—uu — m¢—|m—m|—uu—|m— m|_
—Ill— \Il| —n||—m a—nu—m— "n
Barber Shop Bobb ing
6 17E. G reen St. Auto 3423
G . C . Ehrgo t t , Prop.
pm—“I— nu—llu—N“—ufl—|l|— ln| —|m nu- m—m—m—m—w—w—v- ln—N
We’
ve Moved
New and larger quar
ters , n ew and betterpresses , n ewest t y p e
faces
Now at 1 1 0 N . Wa lnutUps ta i r s
Th e Stai rwa y to G rubbs ”
Same Old Phon e 1 698
Marriott 81 M ilesPr in ters
Succeed in g Ma r r iott ' s P r in t Sh opiml—Illl—IH—I‘ll—ml
—uU—lfl_W—m—n—lfl—ml—N—MI—W—llll—IIII
—ml—ml—nt—lfll
—Rl—III—lll—fl—lll—ll—I*
als o—I—n—w—n—m—m—nu — nu—mi— |u|
College Men are w ithout a
quest ion of doubt
Sty e
Originators
- Th i s i s a College Man’
s Store
Th e soc ia l cl imbe r a lways prac
tices on th e fami ly t r ee .
S
A gen t i n Idaho sho t abea r wi th abow and a r r ow, much to th e su rp r i seo fboth .
S
Fellow : D oe s you r lan d lady h aveeg lan tin e on th e table ? ”
Fel lah : Y es and lots of oth e rs tuff you can
'
t eat .
S
A lgy : D o you l i ke c i ga r s ? "Bulgy : “
Y es ,butA lgy : N0 ! N0 !
ci ga r s — Bu r r .I mean whole
. The S I R E N
That On e Pen
in a thousand mustbe a t Rider ’
s
For they havemore than a thousand
Th e bes t s tanda rdmakes , and exc lus i ves tyles in some of th em .
Foun ta in Pen Hospi ta l
9 8 NS
IN D IV ID UA LLY
6 1 2 E . G r een St .
ll— un—ml—N||_|m —fll| —|m— nu— “n —n_
Pr ivate D in ing Room for
Ban quets and Par ti es
INMAN
We Ca te r to You r Wan ts and Needs
m— u— nu—w—uu— lm —nu —1m— nu— um—nu_ — uu— nu— nu—nu—nu— u
HOTEL
Conven ience— Com fort
Refinemen t
Wh e r e Y ou Fee l a t HomeG . W. Byers
[ 3 ]
“l— lm_ lll| — lm— "l‘
l—nll —ul| —|Il|
OH WELL
A well known t ra tte r w r i th ed in a
G reen St ree t Ba rbe r ch a i r , th eba rbe rwas dul l an d h i s ra zo r seemed to
sh a r e h i s d i s appoi n tmen t .
“
I’
ve jus t about deci d ed to open a
butch e r shop ,
”h e s a id , reach ing for
th e powde red as t r ingen t .
“
A nd w i ll you clos e th i s one ?”h i s
vi ctim gasped feebly.S
If mo r e h un ti ng l icen ses are i ssued
th e re i s su r e to .
-be a m i lk sho r tage .
S
COLUM BUS to grocer )“What eggs a Si xpence !
Then I’
ll n ot pe r fo rm the famous expe r imen t .
”
CAPTAIN-
Y :“ I got ta pa r t wi th my old ho r se, what
do yo
R. O . T . C . :“ Wel l , i f he on l y had abump you
could
Someone suggests that sn o r i ng he named sheet
B ig G i rls
I l ikebig g i r l s . who we igh 11 ton
A nd measu r e s ix feet h igh o r mo re,Who neve r ge t out on abun ;h os t n ow a re roa t er l: n a“ l i I] l bl tl 1 l I
If they can l i ft a th ousand poundsA nd mus cle out ababy g rand .
If they ca n last fo r fi fty r ounds ;They ’ve got me m i tted to the sand .
Ah . let me see the pl ot i s th ick ;I
’d l i ke to g rabone fo r a wi fe
And she could swi ng a nasty pi ck
A nd so suppo r t me fo r my l i fe .
u suppose I could se l l h im fo r ? ”
sel l h im fo r a camel . ”L. A . S. :
“ Just had a date wi th one of thosemi nd readi ng lad i esu
CH EMIST : “Wel l ! Wel l ! and how di d she en j oyher vacat i on ? ”
mus ic .
of schooln eed s, con s ist ing of noth ingbut n at ionally advert ised merchand ise
Laundry cases , loose leafbooks , foun ta in pen s ,
Eversharp pen cils , expen sebooks, rules , etc . Try a ream
of our speci al K B typewr i ter paper a t 75c for 500sheets . O ther pr i ces in propor ti on .
URBANA
We Lead in Every Li n e We Car ry
[ 4 ]
In? l l l E I E i 5 l 1 l E E I i 5 1 S I S l
m? l l l l l l l l l I l l l l l l l i
'
«gm—m—m—lu—nu—m—m—m—u—w—m—nu—mu—nn—nu—m—m—nu—mu—uu—nn—um-mu
—nu—m—m—nu
fl-n—M—w—Iu—M—Ifl—w—ln—Illl—lll-lIl—Im-Ifl—|MI—IllI—|Ifl—Il”—lm—llll—|l'l—|m—|IlI—II"—'nI
The S I R E N— nu—|m — ln —m_uu— nfl— m—u|—M—m—fl|—|m— lul
If It is New
It is here The White Line
D omestic and impor ted slip
overs . New sui ts for the College
Man in French G ray .
New Caps Fall H ats
CarsoncowEGE ctomes Ma in 406
m —m—m— u_N—n—W— lm — m—n —uI— flf—m— ll —n—n_u —ml —|u|—nu — l“ : —nu— nu —|l ll
l|_ _I|l—Ill _W - I|“—ml —MJI —m|
Our Cand ies Made Fresh THE REXALL D RUG
Each D ay in our Own Shop STORE
The Busy Corn er
1 Ma in St . , Champa i gn
—nu—un_m| Ill—Mll—Im— Ill— ull ml— IlH— lul—"H— l l l l —uu — u||
The S I R E N
Ki smet
She l l y made a l ot of jack .
“ Ihen he was go ing hot .
By r on made a m igh ty s tack .
H i s ve r ses n icked the pot .
Home r made a mess of d imes '
Catul lus d id the same,
All theboys had me r ry times,T r ad ing ve r se fo r fame .
Though I w r i te a ve r se a day ;
I’
vebeen dumpedby FateI-Vhy i t doesn’
tbuy my hay ,Nor get me a date.
FATH ER ( looki ng over cwpen se accoun t ) “Wha t$40 fo r ten ni s .
”
Common :“ Y es . had to have a few r ackets .
FATH ER : “ Oh,I unde r stand ,but I used to ca l l
m i neba ts .
”
V01 1 we re.
S
TEACH ER : “ Now who can tell me just wha t theEngl i shman Ha ig was
? ” Why i s an hou r glass made sma l l i n the
ENFANT : “ I don ’t kn owbut mothe r says h im and midd le ?”h isbr othe r i s old f r i ends of dad .
” “ To show the waste of time .
u—nu—un— lm—ul|—Ijll— ll|| —|m —|l|l— Dm fl n— "u q‘ — un— ln|_
To th ose of you we k new las t yea r we extend g r eetings— an d to
th ose of you wh o are sta r ting your fi r s t sch oo l yea r we extend a h ea r tywelcome.
And to you all— We offe r our as s i stance in th e l ines along wh ich
we ser ve you .
Marinel lo Beauty Shop— LaVogue ShopLadi es Fur n i sh i ngs
Bes s Kyle Cri s t , M- 1 1 1 Lau ra G . Sm i th ,M- 3750
607 Eas t Green Street
ln—m— um — m — |mq-nqm— m_ —uu— u|| — |m I‘ll— I‘O—ul — fl — Ill—N—MI— “fl— III— I‘ll— DI— I'll—NI— llH— “ll— IlI— l ll lll— Il ll— lll— Ill
[ 6 ]
The S I R E N
The S I R E ND O IT D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW
’
D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW
IT
NO'WDO
I
p a
0Q
TEAR IT OUT TEAR IT OUT TEAR IT OUT TEAR IT OUT FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN
earn s a ou twom en rom
Eve ry fa l l our San i ta r iums are fil led wi thw recked aun ts who ha vebeen chape r on ingvaca t ion pa r t ies o f
“
sweet Southe rn gi r ls .
They are the o r igina l cl inging v ines , and
Beve r ly was one o f them . She was a lwayslos ing something . Or her shoe hu r t . Or
something was in her eye . She was su rethe re we re snakes in that g rass . Was that
a spide r ? Her g reatest men tal exe r t ionwas to ca l l for a coca - cola .
I took her to the ope r a , when she came to
New Yo rk . Iwhispe red : “
The re’
s Je r i tza !She: Id
’
clare ! Which, the man or the gi rl?I: The gi r l, o f cou rse .
She: What show is this ?I: Tosca . It
’
s an ope ra .
She: Id’
clare ! My foot su re does hu r t .
I: Sh ! They’re going to s ing Strange
Harmon i es .
She: Uh- huh . D o you suppose i t wouldmat te r i f I took my shoe o ff ?
I: Er I don ’
t kn ow. That’
s
Bodansky conduct ing .
She: Iwish he had a few saxaphones .
BEVERLYth e sweet
South ern .
Girl
1 0 i ssues f o r $2
Van i ty Fa i r,G reenwich
,Conn .
D ea r Van i ty Fai rIam glad to lea rn the sec ret of Beve r ly van Siclen ’
s
success . But I happen to know tha t Bas il himselfisn
’
t really such abr ightbi rd. For s ix yea rs he hastaken Van i ty Fa i r . Which reminds me, enclosed find
TWO D OLLARS to cove r the cos t o f TEN ISSUES.
Name, etc
Illus trat ion copyrightby Van i ty Fa irH
0(3
PIN TWO B UCK S PIN TW O B UCK S PIN TWO BUCK S D O IT ~NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW
No . 2
A t suppe r I t r ied new con ve rsat ionalstances . Pau l Manship Ma r ie Lau rencin Mah Jong The thea t reBooks Spo r ts . She topped eve r yball.The knockout was when she asked i f thewa i te r had an aspi r in tablet .
That ve r y n ight I filled out a Van i ty Fa i rsubsc r ipt ion coupon for Beve r l y . It was
f r om Van ity Fai r tha t I had obtained myown s ta r t as a man of the wo rld It wi l lchange her, too I sha l l comeback in a
few mon ths She wi l l no longe rbe a
dumbD o ra Imight p r opose. On ly a
few months .
But, six weeks late r , I read of her engage
men t to Basi l v an Sielen , the most el igiblebachelo r in New Yo rk, pat r on of'
the mode rna r ts, whose m il l ion dolla r mansion had longawaited a mist ress whose socia l g races we reequa l to h is own .
Why don ’
t you subsc r ibe for some sweet
Southe rn gi r l ?
The S I R E N
[ 9 ]
The S I R E N
F a n t a s t i c
Si r Scholasticus and M ilord Fr ivoli ty D ice forthe Soul of the Freshman
[ 1 01
I’m rea l ly ve ry tastyIn the colo r of my sh i r ts ;A langui d red or pu rple,Just pos i ti vely hurts .
A nd when I come to neck ties,
I try tobe di sc r eet.Andban i sh all thebr i gh t onesThat sca r e each dog Imeet .
But’
I don ’t care a l i tt leA nd that’
s sa id wi th all r espectsFor the t in t o r shade o r col or ,That i s used upon my cheeks .
S
Mas . JAM ES : “ Jesse dea r , I wi sh you’d wa l l opJun i o r
,do you kn ow tha t he shot a l i tt le n eg r oboy
i n theback ya rd wi th one of you r pi stols ? ”J ESSE : “Wel l
,theboy’
s a damn good shot .Mas . JAMEs: “ Y es
,but the cat d ragged the ca r
cass unde r the h ouse an d wi th th i s hot. weathe rS
’2-5 : “ I’m ve r y poo r ,but st i ll’25Ess : “ That’s i t then
,jus t keep st i l l .
PH I : “ I suppose you r old man wi l lbe un s t rungwhen he lea r n s tha t you’vebeen canned .
”
PI : “No,I wi r ed h im last n i gh t . ”
The S I R E N
Occupati ons
They tel l me the r e i s money i n the NavyAnd a l so tha t a lawye r gets the t i n .
A pol i t ician too, get-s l ots of gravyAnd a min i ster don ’
t l ose in figh ting Si n .
They say that you can sco r e upon the ma r ket ;Bybuyi ng when the s tocks are sho r t. o r l ongAn d engi nee r i ng ca l l s i f you wi l l ha rk i t ;Y ou ce r ta i nly can soonbe goi ng st r ong .
But r athe r than the Cl oth o r any othe r s ,Whe rei n the re i s a chance fo r so r di d ga i n ;In yea r s i f you wi ll just tu r nback the cove r sYou’l l find me nami ng coaches on a t ra i n .
S
Mas . KID D Z“ Oh
,I was so f r i ghtened la s t n i gh t .
Mas . SILVER : “ But how my dea r ? ”
MRS. K im) : “ The C apta i n came home and ca l ledme h i s t reasu r e
,and I suspected he wan ted tobu r y
S
STREET ORATOR : “ Jus t l ook a t me f r i ends ! Two
years ago I was abr oken down sot ; a th i ng tobed r opped in the gutte r and t r amped on
,no use to
anybody . And wha t do you th i nk w r ought th i schange i n me ?
”
STILL SMALL V01 CE : “ lVot change, mi ste r ? ”
[ 1 1 ]
box A LLEX , Iu‘
d i tor B URNETT II. Summo n“
,A r t Ed i tor H . F. Hu n-ms
,B us i nes s Mgr .
B us i n ess Sta ff of th e Si r en Bus i ness Stafi A s s i s tan ts
D elawa r e Ha r r i son ,
’
26 Fo r ei gn A dver ti s i n g Manage r Robe r t Hoffman ,
’
26, Wa lte r A l lman ,
’
27, Geo r ge Kappus ,
E . V . Pa r sons ,
’
26 - Ctrcula tton Manag e r ’
27, Jack Samuels ,
’
27, F. Tuck e r , ’
27, Robe r t Rosen e ,
"
26 ,
Ma r th a G i l lesp i e ,
’
25 4 s s i s tan t C i r cula ti on Manag e r Russ Hugh es ,
’
26 , Be r n i ce Bon e r , ‘
27
Member M id wes t College Comte A s soc ia t ion,
Publ i sh ed mon th lyby th e Illin i Publ i s h i ng Company, Un i ve r s i ty o f Ill inoi s , du r i n g th e college yea r . En te r ed as see
ond -c lass ma tte r at th e pos toffi ce at U rbana , Ill inoi s ,by A ct o f Cong r es s , Ma rch 3 , 1 879. Offi ce o f publ i cation , Illin i
Publi s h ing Company. Subsc r i ption p r ice th e yea r , by ma i l. Add ress all commun i cations Un ion Bui ld ing .
U1) w i th the A sbestosOU h ave k i ssed moth e r goodbye , sh ak en h and s w i th dad an d p r om i sed to w r i te h ome twi ce a
week . So ' yon h ave depa r ted f r om th e qui et s ol i tude o f Shady D el l on th e loca l t r a i n th a t was
ce r ta i n to mak e con n ect ion s w i th th e I. C . a t t h e junct ion .
'
A s th e t r a i n bo r e you out of s i gh t ,
moth e r c r i ed a l i tt le an d dad patted h er on th e sh oulde r , vowi ng , th a t h e k n ew you wouldn '
t go w r ongup th e r e , o r h e wouldn ’
t h ave sen t you.
Now that you h avebecome a membe r of a va s t studen tbody ; you a re p r oud of you r Un i ve r s i tyand you h ave k ept fa i th wi th you r classby pu r ch a s i ng a meta l wa tch f ob, wh i ch an noun ces to th e
wo r ld i n o r ange an dblue nume r a ls , th a t you a re a
'
m ember of th e class o f 1 928.
In due sea son mos t of y ou w i l lbecome membe r s of some G r eek o rde r and wi th th at you r wi ngsw i ll ga i n s t r ength an d you w i l l look on th e wo r ld , e speci a l ly on th e colleg ia te wo r ld w i th none oth e rth an a jaund i ced eyeba l l . Th en f or a wh i le you wi l l h ave you r l i ttle tocuses padd led and y ou w i l lbema i d of a ll wo r k ,but i t wi l l do you a wo r ld of goo d , f or i n due season you w i l lblossom fo r th as a ful lfledgedbr oth e r .
Wh e r eupon y ou wi l l adopt wooley swea te r s an d an go r a sock s'
an d k n i cke r s as you r own pa r t icula rd i scove ry i n th e sa r to r i a l field . In l i ke fa sh ion you w i l l fus s wench es a t s eve r a l and d i ve r s h ouses and
f or th e i r amusemen t you w i l l k eep a l i ttlebook o f qui ps th at you h ave pi ck ed up a t th e Orph ; qui psth a t are eve r n ew, but th at are most s t rangely po tent upon th e fi r st date .
Th en w i l l come a t ime wh en you w i l l d i scove r t h e oppo r tun i ty tha t awa i ts you i n s tuden t pol i t i csand th e r e w i l lbe qui ck spok en wo r ds an d ch i cane r y i n th e A r cade an d double c ross i ng i n Mos i 's an d
wh en you r las t yea r comes you w i l lbe r ewa rded w i t h a p lace on th e Cap and Gown Comm i ttee.
A f ter th i s you w i l l go fo r th i n to th e wo r ld . un lea r ned and obs ti nately s tup i d w i th a venee r of
pol i sh a nd a v igo rous h and -clasp pe r ch an ce ,but no mo r e than th a t . So you w i l l come to s el l i n g automobi les , or fa rm mach i n e r y, o r pa ten t cloth es w r i n ge r s an d you w i l l h ave i n due s eason a n ice pro
crus tean fam i ly and th ey w i l l a ll i n t ime a tten d you r a lma ma te r .A n d wh en D ea th fina l ly comes you w i l l an nounce to you rbiog r aph e r s tha t a college educat ion i s th e
g r ea tes t th i ng i n th e wo r ld .
[ 1 2 ]
The S I R E N
Condolence
T i s easy to r ecogn i ze th e men wh o are wo r k i n g th e i r way th r ough college,because th ey are wel ld r essed an d a lways h ave p len ty of mon ey. In t i mes pas t th e impove r i sh ed studen t was p i ctu r ed as
c r awl i ng to h i s att i c r oom , afte r h av i ng s teeped h i s h an ds i n g r easy wate r fo r h ou r s , an d th e r ebyth e l igh t of a s i n g le cand le , wh i ch h e h ad fash ion ed f r om suet an d an old rag , s lav ing ove r th e stud i es ,
wh i ch we r e tobr i ng h im Ph i B eta Kappa and la te r r ich es an d a p lace on th e Senate App r op r iat ion s Comm i ttee . He was con s i der ed i n those days a s a pe r son wh o wasbrave and s t r ong wi l led , imbued w i th th e
ambi t ion to get ah ead an d acco r d i n g to th ebest t ra d i t i ons of th e. day and th e Ame r i can Magaz i ne , h e
a lways cash ed i n on h i s p r ospects .
But , a las , those days h ave fled , th e h a r d wo r k i n g studen t clad i n rags , i n fact clad on ly i n h i s
v i r tues , i s no longe r w i th us . Today h e shovels co a l o r cuts g rass f or a n i ce comfo r table r oom ; h e
wa i ts . tables th r ee h ou r s a day fo r bette r f éod th a n those h e s e r ves eat , an d 10, wh i le th e r est of us are
t r ifl i ng our p i ttan ces away, h e i s labo r i n g somewh e r e fo r a dolla r an h ou r .H e n eve r spends h i s money, peop le n eve rbo r r ow f r om h im , d r i ve capta i ns n eve r sea r ch h im out an d
r equest a‘
sma l l donat ion ’
and above all h e n eve r h as to s tudy,because p r ofesso r s suff e r unde r th eold
“ rags an d atti c”i l lus ion .
But I don '
t p i ty h im ; h e d r essesbette r th an I can d r ess , he has bette r dates , wh en h e h as th em ,
th em , th an I h ave ,because h e can aff o r d th em an d e ve r y one feels so r r y f or h im ; wh i le fo r me , th e on lytea r s th at are sh ed i n mybeha lf areby dean s ,
‘
w h o are so so r r y to see me leave th e i r college .
’
A n A rgumen t for D nllards
VEN to th e w i s es t th e r e i s a c e r ta i n opa quen ess i n th e sky of un de r stand i n g ,but to th e cogn i scen t i
all i s an openbook an d i n th atbook th e r e i s noth i n g that th e gods h ave s een fit to keep f r omth em . Th e fo rme r are th ose wh o h ave mad e th e wo r ld a th i ng ofbeauty and se r en i ty ; th e latte r
are those wh o are n at ion a l an d i n d i v i dua l det r im en ts .
In no sen se can we hold abr i ef fo r s tup i d i ty,bu t f r om th e latte r type of i n tel lectua l n i gh tma r e,
da i ly w i l l we p r ay,befo r e th e r ose decked a lta r of A pol lo, fo r del i ve rance . Th e latte r are con t i nua l lybutton -h ol i ng us f or our v i ews on th i s o r th a t m i no r poet , on th i s o r th at m i no r acto r o r on th i s o r th atr eci pe f or mak i ng a ch afin g d i sh s tew . Th ey cons i s t fo r some vague r eason of two types of people . Th e
men are pa le faced i n s i p i d look i ng i nd i v i duals , th e women are w i ld eyed , h i g h ch eek -boned fema les .
So, ga i ly do we welcome th e i d le r and th e dull a r d wh o ta lk s about noth i ng
'
sp i r i tualbut wh o can
g i ve th ebatt i ng ave r age of th e Ame r i can League o r can d i s'
cuss th e va r ious methods of i n t r oduci ng a
pa i r of tops o r k now eve r y act on th e Orph ci r cui t . Th i s i s th e gen tleman tha t wa rms our h ea r t and
mak es us feel th at afte r a ll th e wo r ld i s a san e an d sobe r p lace to l i ve i n .
Postscr ipt
The Si r en i s so rely i n need of sta ff membe r s, especially the edi to r ia l staff . Con sequen t lythe ed ito r i s o ff e r i ng two cups one tobe awarded to the pe r son who does thebes t ed i to r ia lwo r k ; the oth e r to the one who does thebes t art. wo rk .
‘
The awa r ds wi l lbe made i n May,
the wi nne r s tobe chosenby competen t commi tees , the amoun t and natu re of the wo r k tobetaken i n to cons ide r at i on . The r egula r stad w i l lbe named i n the Novembe r i ssue
,howeve r
appo in tmen ts wi l lbe made th r oughout. the en t i re yea r .
[ 1 3 ]
The S I R E N
Women
Famous women pass away( l o to po t and pothe r ;They fo rget. them i n a day
A nd the r e i s nobothe rLiane got the fes t i ve can :
Tha is got the r i ve r ,Cleo floats a golden pan
Whe r e the aspen s sh ive r .
But. the women of todayLi ve i n song and s to ry ,He r e’
s the - r eason fo r i t, theyA re so dul l andbo rey .
SThe Str en
’
s Am er icana
The p rog r ess of Ch r i sti an wo r k sand th e extens ion of Home Mi ss ionsi n G r eat Notch , New Je r s ey as re
po r ted by th e sh eet of th at wo r thyv i l lage :
Fifteen hun dred sheeted Klan smena ssembled on the lawn of F. M . Franc isco and
w i tn essed the bapt i sm of s ix ch ildren by a
hooded clergyman . The ceremony was withoutthe pe rm i s s ion of Mr . Franc isco who i s a
Cathol ic .
Advancemen t of law and o r de r i nPh i ladelph ia to th e i n clus ion of th emed i eva l custom of th e t r i a l an d
pun i shmen t of an ima ls :“Gov . G i fford Pinchot
'
s dog Pep, todaybegan a l i fe sentence in an eas tern pen iten tary
for the murder of a f amily cat .
" — The Ph i la
delph ia Publi c Ledger .
Th e i n t r oduction of Ch i nese an ces
tor wo r sh i p i n to Cabot-town much to
th e g rati ficat ion of th e Oxfo r d Club‘
as p i ctur ed by th e i l lus t r ous T ranssc r i pt :When I.uther A twood found thesebones he
car r ied them in a bag to the Oxford Club,whose membe rs had p rev iously objected to the
excava t ion , on the suppos it ion tha t the i r own
a n ces to r s hadbeenbur ied there .
Mr. C . J. Lan i e r fi nds th e cause
o f a ll ev i l and h ids i t i n Th e Flo r idaT imes -Un ion of Jack son v i l le w i th th e
due r esults :“
The un supe rv ised dance halls ; the w ide open
c it y w ith no e ffort‘
to check or res tra in im
mo ral ity ; the suggest i ve'
mov ing p ictures ( o f
wh ich there a re too many) a re cont r ibut in gfactors in the ser ious cond it ion f acin g the g i rlso f eve ry town in the Un ited States .
A use found f or th e Const i tut ionas d i sclosed by Mr . Bu r r i s i n th e
In d ian apol i s News :It i s mo st eff ect ive in broade n ing the
people’
s knowledge o f the i deals and pr inc ipleso f our gove rnment and i n check in g erroneousbel iefs that , too o f ten , serve as abas i s f or un
wa r ran ted act ion .
"
NIBLICK :“ A nd
'
what. d id you make today? ”
Bi llJQCOB
MASH IE :“ A h
, a s i xteen on the fi r st,a fif teen
on th e second,a fou r teen on the
‘th i r d and then I
blew up .
”
A non :“
I'
m look i n g f or a f r eak h at
f or th e Fete .
”
COSTUMIER: Cooked ?"
ARCH :“
Gosh , can you smel l i t ? "-S
SILAS ( a t th e Woods ) : Say , son ,
wh e r e do all th em acto rs l i ve ? "C i -II: Wh y r igh t h e re i n Ch icago.SlLAS !
“ Wa l l n ow, I vow th at
th ey’r e p r etty du rn good f er loca lta lent .
_ S_
GERMAN WA ITER’
SOPH ISTICATED : No, We l les ley.— S
Fi n d ing a fou r leaved clove r o rlaugh i ng at a p r of.’
s sta le ch estnuts
areboth s i gn s of good luck .
[ 1 4 ]
NEOPH Y TE : I couldn '
t s leep lastn i gh tbecause of th e desse r t .
”
SOPH : I d i dn’
t s leep e i th e rbecauseof a damn cat
NEOPHY TE : Gosh do you have ca ts
fo r d i nne r at you r house ? ”
S
SHE : What makes th e Towe r ofPi sa lean ? ”
HE :“Bui lt du r i ng a fam i ne .
S
NEGRO ( to ch i cken i n th e r oad )Y uh po r e li l
'
ch ecken ! I jes can'
t
leave yuh h eah to get run ovahby one
obdem mean 01’
automobi les ! ”S
Many a ch ap h angs up a p i n because h e adm i r es th e woman ’
s taste
i n men .
Ph ilosophy
Last n igh t I danced upon the pol ished floo r,
Watch i ng the l igh ts go ’r ound and ’r ound i n gleeAnd then we j ou r neyed to a candy s to r e :To sup abi t on sandwi ches and tea .
Her e’s what. the n igh t r etu r ned me i n r ewa r d :
Two t i red feet,a ki ssbefo r e the doo r
A nd one flat i nner on mybr oken Fo rdAnd sund ry pape rbi lls . some th ree o r mo re .
I mi gh t have stayed at home wi th my cot'
An d conned thebooks to get a l ot of lo reAnd then I wouldn’t have the “ E ’
s" I got
And say, that. woman was an awfulbo r e .
[ 1 5 ]
The SIREN
H ints to Soror i ty PledgesB Y MLLE . MAL D E TERRE
Che r ies : By th i s t ime most of you dea r i es wi llhave di scove red tha t mothe r ’s helpful h i n ts are
most ly B . S. i f not t res imposs ible and so I am
w r i t ing thi s to you f r om “
gay Pa ree”so that you
may kn ow,
jus t what la pet i te etudi an t i s do i ngth i s season . (Inci den t ly i f you wi sh to consul t mei n pe r son , you wi ll fin d me a t Mead
'
s Cathed ra ldu r ing the regula r se r vi ce hou r s ; you can tel l meby my ap r on , wh ich has mo r e spots on i t than any
of the other gi r ls and I assu r e you that my fee i smost n omi na l . )
The pet i te etudiant i sbest judgedby the manne ri n wh i ch sa chambr e i s fu rn i shed , and tha t remi ndsme , dear ies, I saw the lovli est and t res j ol ie cha ise
le aut re j ou r .The cha i se was con st ructed f r om an old goose]be r ry c r ate and was d r aped wi th th ree old d oor
mats that hadbeen spl i ced togethe r . Whe re the
doo rmats had been wo r n th r ough , the cha rmi ngand cleve r etudi an t had i n se r ted some. fine Ir i shlace andbe l ieve me dear ies the effect. was mostbi zzare .
Les pet i tes wi l l want a rugbefo re her d r essi ng table and a ve r y p retty and i nexpen s i ve one canbe con st ructed to keep madamoselle
’s pet i te pieds
f r om getting f r ostbi tten on . a cold wi n tery mo rni ngby lay i ng the sk in of old. Rove r immedi atelybefo re la table . A l ovely f r i nge i s madeby d r oppi ng on e’
s cl othes about i t '
upon r et i r i ng and i n
th i s fash i on the deta i ls of the f r i nge are changed
each day reli evn ig the s t ra i n on la peti te’s yeuxs .
No r oom i s complete wi thout seve ra l of those i nexpen s i vebut deco rat i ve lamps . A ve r y cha rman tlamp canbe made san d ifi i clemen t out of an old
cheesebox. A hole i s cut i n the top of thebox and
the elect r i c gl obe fi tted the rei n ; th e s ides of thebox are p laste r ed w i th l i fe ph o tog r aph s of suchbulks as Li one l Strongfort, Cha r l ie A t las and Le
Er rand Rudolph de Valin t i n i os . Th i s lamp wi l lbethe p r ide of the house and you wi l l cu r ry g reatfavo r wi th the othe r gals who wi l l d r op i n to
compa re the good po in ts of leu r sbeauxs and the
t r iad of famed gen t i lho’mmes .
Now dea r i es I wan t you to do thebest you can
and don '
t unde r any ci r cumstances go out to the
So’
Campus to see the p r etty fi sh i es a t 1 0 P . M.
because the fish ies all go to'bed at 6 and you m i ght
ca tch a bad cold and have to put la r d and red
flanne l on you r peti te th r oat .
Love and gi n ,
—SA D IE MAL D E TERRE
The S I R E N
Scho mber 24, 1 9246 :00 A . M . : The ala rms o f Freshm en r ing loudly .
A . M . : Freshmen ar i se , rubthe i r eyes and dress forthe i r e igh t o ’
clocks .
A . M . Freshmen prepare to eatbreak fas t .7:00 A . M . Sophomo re
’
s ala rm s r ing for e igh t o ’
clocks .
7.05 A . M . : Sophomores ar i se ,break the i r a larm clocks andr eturn tobed.
7.50 A . M . : Fr eshmen assemble a t the i r e ight o ’
clocks .
8 00 A . M . : Eigh t o ’
clocks supposed tobegin .
8:05 A . M . Pro fessors a r r ive at e ight o ’
clocks .
A . M . : Sophomores ar r ive at e igh t o ’
clocks .
A . M . : Soph i s tica ted Jun iors awaken for the ir ten
0’
clocks .
A . M . : Soph i st ica ted Jun ior s arr ive at the i r eleven
o’
clocks .
Noon : Freshmen and Sophomores fight for stools a t the lunch
coun ters . Soph i st ica ted Jun ior s lunch a t a tea room .
P. M . : U ltra U ltr a Sen ior s awaken for the i r ten o’
clocks .
P . M . : U ltra Ultra Sen ior s call up a wench for a da te .
P . M . : No da te .
P. M . : U ltr a . U ltra Sen ior s goback tobed.
P . M . : O n e 0’
clocksbegin , Sophomores and Soph i stica tedJun ior s cut and go out on da tes .
4 .00 P . M . : U ltra U ltra Sen iors ar i se permanen tly and sn agblind da tes .
P . M . : U ltra U ltr a Sen ior s w i sh they hadn ’t .P . M . : U ltra U ltr a Sen ior s tea .
P . M . : Sophomores go home .
P . M . : Earn es t Fr eshmen s ti ll a sking question s .
P . M . : Fr eshm enbegin to s tudy .
P. M . : Sophomores repa i r to the Libr ary .
P . M . : Sophomores secure a da te and depar t for Mosi’
s .
P . M . : U ltra U ltra Sen ior s go for th on da tes .
P. M . : Freshm en go tobed .
P . M . : Soph i s tica ted Jun iors decide to get drunk .
P . M . : Pro fs . go tobed .
P . M . : Sophomores return from da tes and decide to
s tudy in the morn ing.
P . M : G rad. studen ts go tobed .
1 1 :00 P . M . Sophomores go tobed.
M idn igh t : U ltra U ltra Sen iors ga ther a t the Tw in C i ty .
A . M . : Soph i st ica ted Jun iors find com for table curbandslumber .
A . M . : U ltra Ultra Sen iors go hom e tobed.
A . M . : Pe te A dam s goes home tobed .
A . M . : Illin i Edi tor s go tobed.
1
Columbine’s Song
P i er ro t your face i s wh i te ton igh tMuch whi ter than the Moon
A nd oh my hear t , i t guesses r igh t ,Tha t you mus t van ish soon .
I did not ask the gods for you ;\Vhat wh im hasbrough t you here ?A nd i t w i ll end the end I rue ;A sm i le , a k iss, a tear .
I did not ask you e’
en to come
Wi th words so so ft and low ,
But n ow my hear tbea ts like a drumA ndbreaks i f you should go .
The S I R E N
O C T R B
By R. A . Gus te-n,
[ 1 9 ]
The S I R E N
For Vars i ty D r i nki ng
The r e seems tobe one spo r t that men do n ot
ha ve tobe wh i pped out fo r and i t seems that. eve r yhouse con ta ins at leas t one man who i s qui te proti c ien t a t i t . Thi s spo r t i s ca l led i n the good Old
la nguage of the fathe r ' s ‘
ye lhoud ca r ouse’and
the r e are mo re natu ra l ath letes in th i sbi t of past ime than i n any othe rbr anch of ath let i cs .
Is the r e any r eason why these na tu ra l ath letesshouldbe a l l owed to d i splay thei r ta len ts un seen
,
when i t couldbe made a va r s i ty spo r t and much
p r ofi t and c r edi t r eaped the r ef r om .
O f cou r se,befo re we devel op a Va r s i ty D r i nk
i ng Team , we mus t fi r st. have a chee r and a son g .
SO we would substi tute " Gn lp , Illi n i , Gulp” fo r“ G o . Illin i , A s fo r a song we would suggest“
G o i ng Th r ough The Rye .
”
Now fo r the r ules of i n te r col legiate con tests .
Of cou r se the re would be the t ime h on o r ed cus
tom O f ‘
n nder the table”
and the team hav ing the
leas t men un de r the table i n an hou r ’s d r i nk ingwouldbe adjudged the wi nne r .
i n .
”
Then too,l i ke sp r i n t i ng the re couldbe ce r ta i n
fast ath letes who would s ta r t out on wh i skey, an d
l i ke l ong d i s tance runn i ng th e r e wouldbe the ma r athon d r i nker s who would devote themsel ves tobee ra l one .
In t ime th i s spo r t wou ld g r ow and a“ Cha i r of
Bar Man ne r s” wouldbe essen t i a l to eve ry up and
go ing Un i ve r s i ty . A nd wi tha l a Va r s i ty D wouldbe a coveted th i ng and the team capta in wouldautomat ica l l y become a membe r of the Sen i o rHon o r Society .
A fte r unde r the table” d r i nk i ng hadbeen i n
dulged i n and the wh i skey sp r i n te r s and l ong d i stan ce bee r d r inke r s had completed thei r tests ;the re couldbe a l i tt le exh ibi t i on wo r k . For just aswe have exh ibi ti on (li ve r s on the swimi ng team so
could we have ath letes who would d r ink a qua r tof s t r a ight a lcohol o r shel lac and do a l i tt le fancyexh ibi ti on wo r k . The wi nn e r tobe pi cked on the
poi n t system .
GRAD : “ I told P r of . Nooch that you we r e moaning about h i s exam
UND ER : “ Y es - s -s .
’
GRA D : “ A nd he told me to tel l you tha t you and
he we r e even .
”
UN D ER : “ How ? ”
GRAD : " He jus t got th r ough moan i ng ove rvoa r s .
”
The S I R E N
FableMoun ta inee r s are maki ng money ;Moun ta i nee r s are hung wi th gold ,A nd they d ine. on mi lk and honey ,When thei r p r oducts havebeen sold .
W'
hen the juice tha t makes you funnyIs t ranspo r ted to the sea
,
\Vli e1 'e the wate r ’s n i ce and runny ,They wi l lbott le i t l ike tea .
Then they w r ap i t up i n gunny ,
H i de i t i n a fish ing smack ,
Soon we get, i t n ice and sunny
(Y es , I use i t on myback . )
CLOTH IER : “ A nyth i ng I can do fo r youFRATTER : “ Have you any n i ce wh i te sh i r ts ? ”
CLOTH IER Z “ A Whole sto r e full. ” RAK E : “ How do you keep that sch ool -gi rl com
FRATTER : “Wel l, go and put one on . plexi on
It’s a s t range thi ng,but ful l p r ofesso r s often SNAK E : “ A soft soap a r ti s t l i ke you ough t to
teach d ry cou r ses .kn ow.
”
—m_m|_|m—nu— 1m — |m—|n|— m| — |m—m| — |u| ll— l l ll— Illl— lm—Illl — l l l l—Illl— l l l l— M— IIII—nu'—ml— lIl— llll— llIl—|ll—mi —uu
See
The accepted and correct
model de sign ed exclus iv ely for
un ivers i ty m en .
W h y n ot h ave a pa i r of k n i ck e rs made w i th eve ryJe r rems Su it ?
A comp lete select i on of B u rbe r ry an d Jos eph May 'sE ng li s h rea dy-to-wea r Ove rcoa ts .
33 - 35—37 Ma in St . Champa ign AND SPORT CLO THES
324 SOUTH MICH IGAN AVE .
71 E a s t Mon roe St . 7 No rth Lasa l le St.
fl— Ifl— Ifl I— “fl—M— ml— "ll— "n a— llM—m— “n— lm— ml— lm— “n— "n—n — ua_ml— m_lfll_ llll—W— ”ll— II“— "fl— Im—nu— lm—u—ln—M—m—u—II
You CO e Men Havetobe ”
CarefulAbout th e k ind of c loth es you wea r .
Fr i endsh ips and socia l conn ection s th atyou
”
mak e in sch oo l often las t th rough outa l i fetime . It pays to presen t yourbes tappea ran ce at all times .
Very Modera te Pr i ces
$60 $65 $75 and up
The S I R E N- n —n - m —M_m —fl —d l fl —n—n—fl — lfl —u||—u|—ll| -ln- u— ln—m—n —w—m— |m
Send It To a Master
Y ou w i ll be in te r es ted i n s ee ing ou r a s so r tmen t of cloth ing a nd fu rn is h ing s ,
des ig n ed w i th
colleg e m en s’
n eeds i n V iew . Style a nd ma te r ia lof th e bes tv p i
' iced to p lea s e th e cons e rva t ivebuye r .
New d es ig ns in s h i r ts , t ies , h os ie ry an d
oth e r acces so r ies .
I Amer ican D ry Clean ingCo. CLARK MATH IS CAREYPhones 7
Republ ic B ldg , Ch icag o , Ill.
WE CALL AND D ELIVER Run by colleg e men f or colleg e men .
[ 23 ]
The S I R E N
W r i gh t s t reet jus t no r tho f G r een
Cu rbSe r v ice
BRESEE BROS .
5 1 8 E . G r eenPHONE
ON THE TELEPHONE
Abi e (unde r th e wea th e r ) : H ie !
He llo ! ”A n swe r : He llo ! "Abie : He l lo . H ie !
”
An swe r : “
H ello !”
Abi e : My gos h ! ! How th i s th i ng
echos ! ”— Bur r .S
Sam , I s ho'
was so r ry to h ea r datyour s i s te r am s i ck .
“ Wh a t yo’ mean s i ck ? My s is te r
a in’
t s i ck .
Is da t s o ? Wel l , when Iwa s downto yo
’
house yes te rday 1 saw a s ignQ ! )
on de doo r ‘
Be ll out o f o rde r .
— B lack an d Blue Jay .
S
NO secon d sto ry man i s asbad as
th e one wh o te l ls you th e one about“
th e d rumme r out of Ipsw i ch sevent imes .
S
Colla r s are paten t st r an gulat ionmach i nes wo r nby men wh o laugh a t
women’
s c loth es .
ll— llli — lnl — un—uu—m — m—_m — : n_
Come In and See Us Make
Candy
Our Stor e i s Your Store
Fr esh Chocola tes , Candies and
and Salted Nuts
Let us supply you r pa r ties wi th Box
Candi es
Can d ies .
m—ur
l
—nn
and Sa l ted Nuts,Bun te Ha r d
Kennedy’s Kandies
605 E . G reen Ma in 3 1 7
Champa ign ,1 11 .
— II — Ifl— |rl— n‘
.— M : — n — nu— [rl—Iu—m — nu — m — u — m—nu— w—m— nfl— |m— u— m— m_m_
S
A ca rpen te r sen t to make some re
pa i r s ou one of th e mo r e fa sh ionableso ro r i ty h ous es , en te red th e p lace an d
began wo rk .
“ Ma ry, sa i d th e h ouse mothe r toth e ma id ,
“
see th at my jewe l cas e i s
locked a t once ! ”Th e ca rpen te r unde r s tood . H e re
moved h i s watch and ch a in fr om h i s
ves t i n a s ig n i fican t man ne r and
h an ded them to h i s app ren ti ce .
“
Joh n , s a id h e ,
“
tak e th eseback to
th e sh op ! It s eems th at th i s placea i n
'
t s afe .
— Sk i -U -Mah .
THESE D A YSD ea r es t , you a re the l igh t of my
h ea r t ; th e angel of my l i fe . Y ou are
th e on ly woman 1 eve r loved .
‘
D a r l ing , you are th ebes t man on
th e earth . A nd now th a t we h aveboth l i ed to each oth e r
,le t’
s p r e tendwe
’re awful ly happy.
— Beanpot .
S
Cus tome r : I wan t a coup le o f p i l
low-cas es .
Cle r k : Wh a t s i ze ? "Cus tome r : I don ’
t k now , but I
wea r a s i ze 7 h a t .
”— Chapa r ral .S
A D EA D BEAT
Wel l , old man , tough luck ; you runcle '
s dea th was awf ully sudden .
“
Y es ; was a sh ame ,wasn
’
t i t‘
But h e left qui te abi t of money,I h ea r .
Oh , y es , th e cop shot h imbefo reh e could ge t out o f th e wi n dow .
— Sun D ia l .
The S I R E N
When Yon Wr i te a Letter
D EAR PA :
Can you imagine me as a ful l F reshman at the
Un i ve r s i ty ? The re we r e a whole lot ofboys on the
t ra in wi th me,wh om I though t. we re col lege men
and we a ll got o ff at the sta tion .
Th i s i s ce r ta in ly a wi ld townbecause Iwen tbya h ouse the othe r even ing and saw someboys playi ng ca r ds and when Iwas out wa lking I saw a man
k iss a gi r l .Today I r eg i ste r ed and tomo r r ow I wi lbegin
classes .
Lov ing, you rALFRED
D EAR SON
No ! Maybe they we r e comme r ci a l t ra velle r s .
G osh . i t was h i s g r andmothe r .D id you gi ve you r r i ght n ame
, you a ren ’t Oldenough to vote. Y ou st ickby the midd le class .
A ffecti onately, you rHORACE
D EAR PA :
I would l ike fi fty dol la r s . I had tobuy a lot
ofbooks .
n — II— fl_lll_ lfl — |fl|— m|—I —flli_lIl—ml— fl —ul—Ml
We Are Glad You Are
Back Home
[Make our D rug Store y our
[fl eeti ng Place
THE PLACE
Cor . Green and S ixth Sts .
D rugs and D rug Sundr i es
BERT SPALD ING , OWNER
Some fel l ows we re a r ound to see me the othe rday , they wan t me to jo i n thei r f rate rn i ty . Can I?
played Mich i ga n last week and won 1 2 to 7.
Lov ingly , you rALFRED
D EAR SON :
SO would 1 . You’ve got abook .
D O they pay i n su ran ce i f you'
should d ie o r dothey jus tbury you ?
I played Mess r s B r own,McQuade and Fi nch
last ‘
week and l ost fou r teen dol la r s .
Sweet l y, you r
HORACE
m- c n .
Gent i n Lincoln Hall Museum:“ Gosh what
funny faces th ose kn igh t pe r son s must ha ve had .
”
M— II—Iln— lll— nu— Ill—m—ml— lm— nu—w— ln—u—|ui—n — ln—m
We w i ll welcome and apprecia teYour Bus in ess
FIRST STATE BANKURBANA
The S I R E N
SH E : “ Wel l,I passed math . at last .
HE :“ Honest ly .
SH E : “ IVha t d i ffe r ence does tha t make ?”
n—Ifi—I'Il—Illl —I|l— lu —uu—m —nfl—flfl—|n— ln—n—m_nu—m—m— ln—m—f|u—uu—nu—|m—n - D ull— "ll— wll— l" l — |I'I— ml — |m
ELCOME all ye Old Illin i and Illin i who
are just com ing in to the bon ds of the institution . Y ours is tobe another delight
ful y ear of sn appy array, wh ile our enjovmen t
w ill come through the channel of serv ice to you .
Perm it us to extend the warmest welcome of Illin i
sp ir it and a hope that a most successful collegevear is in the beginn ing .
GELVIN’
S CLOTHES SHOPG r een Street
The S I R E N
A c e r ta i n emp loye e i n abi g manu
facturi ng conce r n ambled i n to the
off ice about and found th ebos si n fu r ia ted .
"
D o you k now wh a t t ime webeg inwo rk i n th is off ice ? " h e thunde red .
“
NO , I can’
t say th at I do , repl iedth e ta rdy one ,
“but th ey’re a lwaysa t i t wh en I get h e re .
— Ly re .
S
D ot : A n d th en h e put h i s a rms
a round me and I wan ted to sc reamand I couldn '
t , and wh en I finallycould I d idn
’
t wan t to .
— Jack o’Lan te rn .
S
Fa th e r : G r eat heavens , son , h ow
you do look ! ”Son : Y es
,fa th er , I fel l i n a mud
puddle .
Fa th e r : What ! And wi th you rn ew pan ts on
,too ?
”
Son : Y es ,fath e r , I d idn
'
t havetime to tak e th em off .
—Wh i r lwi nd .
S
Sh e : It mus tbe te r r ibly lonesome
f or a young woman to ma r r y an old
man .
He : Oh ,I don ’
t know ; you can s i t
at h ome i n th e even ing - an d l i sten to
h i s a r te r i es h a r den .
" — Me rcu ry.
Loui se , 1 cannot h ave you r ead in gn ove ls on Sunday.
“
But , g randma , th i s one i s a ll r igh t .
It i s all about a g i r l wh o was en gaged
to th ree Ep i scopa l cle rgymen , all a t
once — Jes te r .Joe :
“
Sh all we s i t th i s out ?”
Nancy : “
Oh, Joe , I
’
m so t i r ed ; let’
s
dance .—Jack O
’
Lan te r n .
S
Pa rdon me , Mi s s ,but I gave y ou
my o rde r some twen ty minutes ago ,
and began a meek look ing cus
tome r .“ We ll , wh at about i t ?
"
demanded
Heloi se ,of th e Rap id Fi re Res tauran t .
“
Nun -noth ing , h e rep l ied . Exceptthat I wi sh to make i t an en t reatyi n s tead of an o rde r . — Med ley.
S
In Ch i cago a man who wen t swimm i ng afte r eat i n g left a wi fe and a
ch i ld .
S
Th e g r oup of foss i ls unea r th ed i n
South e rn Il l i noi s we r e too late to run
f or cong r ess .
S
In St . Loui s two h i ghwaymenwo rked all n igh t fo r
Cuis in e
The Z ulu l i kes the l ocustA nd the H i ndu c raves the wo rm ;The Japanese like anyth ingThat has a twist Or squi rm .
The Ind ian l ikes rattle-snakes
A nd though i t i sn ’t n i ce ;The Ch i nese have a c ravi ngFor a mess ofbo i led mi ce .
So though you hate the heathenA n d upon thei r food you’
d f r ownJust n ote the g rubtha t’s eatenIn the ave rage col lege town .
S
Wh y d id th eybreak th e i r engagemen t ?
”
“
Nobody s eems to know.
How d r eadful .S
Ba rbe r : Ca re fo r somebay rum ? ”
Collech :“
Su re I’
ll try a g lass .
S
Res tau ran t s teaks k eep the i r sen io ri ty r igh ts .
m—g _m—m— m -|m— 11|— 1u—nu— tu—uu -1u|—tm—|u|—mi -m —nu— 1m — l lll—M—Im—ml— ml—m—nu—m—mi—un—m— iu1—nu—m -l i—ul—mt—m
Lea ther No te BooksREAL AND IMITATION
No . 450, P r iceNO. 21 4, 1 1
”x8%
”P r ice
Lefax StoreG et you r lef ax today— E ve ryon e
us es lef ax
Lefax No te Books
Headquarters forStuden t Supplies
P. E. Supplies
Men’
s gym outfi t— regulat ion pan ts ,
sh i r t , h os e and .suppo rte rs com
plete
Ladies’
Gym.
OutfitLad ies
'
g ym o utfi t. W e h ave a
lady in ch a rg e of th is depa rtmen t .
Regula r midd ie bloome r s and t ies
LEATHE R AND IMITATION comp le te . P r ice606 E . G reen St .
$ 1 to Ch uck Ba i ley Sh elby H imes
- H
-
m—M — l —u—m—I— fl — l f—m—m— fl — n— Ill -l—fi —fl — II—l|—Il —fl —III—fl —lll—II—I~ —IH—IIII—IIl—n —III—fl_ —IH—I
[ 28 ]
Foun ta in Pens, Pa rke r D uo fold.
Lady D uofold, Sh aefl‘
er Li fetime,pen s and penci ls , Wah l's Sign atu r epen , Evers harp penci l, Ill in oi s sta
t ion ery , mus ic—popula r and class ical, D en i son party goods , Illin ois pen
an ts, p i llows , ath letic goods andbann e r s , memorybook s, a la rm clocks ,desk blotte r s, desk pads, Lefax
lea th e r notebooks , pad lock s , G . E .
D . supplies, D eitzgen in st rumen t, ar tan d des ign supp lies br ief cases ,
laund ry boxes , spec ia l bond 500
sh eets , 750.
The S I R E N— w —M— m|—|m — lm — |In— m— m|— |m_ _m|
ROGER Z OMBRO COMPANY
Pay us a Vi s i t
Roger Co.
Nei l Street— At th e Head of Ma in
Champa i gn
SH E : “ Oh Cen t ra l,somebody else has my l i ne .
'
VOICES (from acr oss the way) : Oh lady,no
Eq IS l te ca n dybody else has you r l i nes .
exclus ive at
Likes A nd
The re are th i ngs I l i keMi l ton
,Ve r la ine and Van D yke
,OS] vet
Shel ly and Footba l l and di ce,
F reshbo i led ham, cu r r i ed r i ce,
Bui cks and Marmon s and C'
ads
A nyth i ng new i n the fads .
These a re my l i vel iest hates Sodas candyRabbi ts an d snake
,sou r dates
Cabbage and on i on s an d Keats , Hot LunchesT r i cky trapez ical fea ts ,Raci ne and studies and goatsTh ings that go ’round i n spo r t coats .
"u— “u— m _ l|n — u’|— M— nu_ l —w - M— n|| — lm_
A nd we welcome you to
th is store ,where you w i ll seeone o f the finest displays o f
m en’
s clothing and haberdashery we have e v e r
shown . A nything tha t you’
ll
wan t i s here in the n ewests tyles and ma ter ials .
The S I R E N— n -_m—M
uns astry
Wholesale or Reta il
We se r ve th e s tuden t t rade
The Perfect Bakery
1 1 4 W . Ma in St . Urbana ,1 11
Ph on e 7—381 7
COLLECH ( to frosh ) “ Let’s dance ton ight, huh ? ”
FROSH :“ Oh
,but. I can
’t my t runks haven ’t*i ved t .
FOY'H1gh Grade
TPI
COLLTJ’
CH :“ Y ea
,but i t a i n
‘
t. that kind of a
l
Launderi ng( w e
Indoor Sports
PHONE MA IN 897
Model Laundry Co .
*|l—III— lll— lll—IIII— llll—IMI— lm— lll—IIM_IIII—IMI_I|II— lll—|lll— Nll— m— lfl|— w
Q rca
Serv ice and.
Good Fellow
sh ip Are Yours
Cand i es Luncheon ette
Sodas C igarettes
Art . Suth er lan d ,Mgr .
ll— Ifl— ull _u|| — fl” — .ll— “u _ flu
GRAND FALL OPENING
Star ting Monday , September 22nd- THE YE ARS GREATE ST PICTURE
RAFAE L SABITINI’
S GREATESTROMANCE
W ITH
MILTON SILLSAND A SUPPORTING CA ST INCLU D ING ENIDBENNETT , LLOYD HUGH ES, W A LLACE BERRYAND 3000 PLA YERS .
INTROD UCING
MR. RAYMOND A ; COOKAN D HIS
New V i rgin i a Symphon ic O rchestraVIRGINIA NEW S WEEKLY
TIME OF SHOW S— 2 P . M 7 P . M .
éfl—llI—Wl
—llll—lll-fl—Ifl—fl—lfll-lfll—NI—flll_llll—IIII
—lIl—IW—m—III—flll—Ii—fll—‘I—Illl—IM—Il‘b
till—ill!
The S I R E N
"II— lul —m—ml— m— |u— m|_ — ]m —|m—|fl|- l|l — l‘|
Not ice to AllFratern it iesand Soror it ies
If you Wr i te - Call On Wh i te
Wh ite Typewr iter Sales Co .
6 1 3 E . G r een St .
“ I— lm —|m fi ful — I|| _|Il|— Im _ nll
We have added to our s ta tion eryline the famous BROCHON hand
embossed paper s and can furn ish youh igh grade sta t ion ery w i th your fratern i ty seal embossed in gold or si l
ver . It i s very a t trac tive and mod
erately pr iced.
A TTEN TION IS INVITED TO
TH E ENL A RGE D FA CILITIE S
A CCE SSORIES ,D E VELOPED EX
PRE SSL Y FOR COLLE GE MEN ,
HA VE B E EN A RRA N G E D IN
LARGE AND UN COMMON A SSORT
fl/EN TS ON A FL OOR GIVEN
OVER TO COLLE GE SERVICE .
( LCO TH é’
S
H QA TS SH O CS
Fifth Avenue at 46th St.
NEW Y ORK
n—n —m—n —m—w—w—m— m — |u— |m—nu—n|| —m|—m— |lu u—u— ln—u—m—u —n—n - m—n - m—n—w—Ifl—m- m—m—m
Your Favor itePen
Th e k in d th at you would h ate to losecanbe dupl i cated f rom our s tock of
Foun tain Pens .
Speci ally Selected forEasy Wr i ting
an d n on - ti r ing qua l i ties
Parker D uo fold— Shaefier Li fe
time Non -Breakable Wahl
Conklin Wa terman Hol
land.
STRAUCHS625 So . W r igh t St .
Th e Home o f Good P ro fess iona lKodak Fin i sh ing
509 South Goodwin Ave .
One B lock Eas t of Ch em B ldg
n — un— nu—u— lu— m— nq— u— ufl— ufl— W— m— “fi— M— " fl—n —u u—nu—nu—m—m—“n—ml—m—n—m—n—n—n—u —n —u
Expert Shoe Repa ir ing
The S I R E Nu—n—m—m—n—u—m—m— m‘| — nu— mj — 'n—ull — Ih lm —m—m— ln— M — lm—m|_ n m —n _m _n
pr esen ts
Or iole Merry -Makers from Edgewater Beach
for the
mecommg
(D ance D eLuxe)
FR ID AY AND SATURD AY
October Seven teen th and Eighteen th
Ti ckets are l imi ted— r ese r ve them n ow. See A r r ie at the A . T . 0. Houseo r D esk a t the H otel
It i s time to make y our r eservations for
Part ies, D inner D ances and Banquets
THE GREAT HALLat the
— m—n—m—m—w—u— nu—ug — ml— |m— |u| — t|u - nu— nu—nu— “n— nu—nu— lln— lln— nll— ll l l— IIII —|Iu —|In—nu —m|—nu—ll
[ 1 ]
The S I R E N
fir
II
—m—ml
—ml—ll—ul-l
—nn—m—nu—w—m—n—m—m—u—I—n—h
We w i ll welcome and apprecia te
—W — l‘_Iu—n
Ra t po i son i s g r eat s tuff— the r a ts get fat on
i t and deve l op gout a nd so come to p rema tu re ends .
Sta ti s tics p r ove tha t ta i l o r s col lect on ly one
th i r d o f the i rbi l l s,so you can Show th i s to you r
ta i l o r .S
A t the s tuden t r ec i ta l the othe r even i ng, whena young Ho ffman esconched he r selfbefo re th e pian oi t topp led ove r ,but fa i led to get away .
Th is wi ll he the coldes t fa l l s in ce la s t yea r .
A tu r tle t rave ls a foot a mi nute,wh ich con t r a r y
to all r epo r ts i s s l owe r than an O r egon s t reet car .
C r ows depleted the Il l i n o i s co r n c r op,but thenthe re wou ldn’
t havebeen en oughbott les to put i ti n an yway .
Your Busmess
Ea t,d r ink a ndbe me r r y fo r tomo r r ow comes the
FIRST STATE BANK land lady .URBANA
In spi te of l ong sk i r ts a Champa ign den ti st
pulled th e w r ong tooth fo r a g i r l .u—m—m —m—m — nu— "n— [m— |m — ml —IN| — "nfi fl— M| — nu— m| —ml—m—m— lm_m- fl —.l— llfl —m
The Student
How m any thousand foun ta in pen s are usedby Illino i s s tuden ts ? How
m any o f these thousands are thrown away— d i scarded or unusedbecause o f
defects ,breaks , o r poor w r i t ing quali t i es ? Wha t i s the cos t to the studen tbody o f repa i r s on the class o f pen s r e ferred to above ?Ser ious cons idera t ion o f these quesetion s has caused us to seek out a pentha t couldbe usedby the studen t over a per iod o f years at the lowes t poss ible
cos t .The Shea ffer Li fet ime i s guaran teed condi tion ally l
forever . If i t doesn’t
feed properly , i t i s made to do so f ree o f charge . If youbreak thebarr el, i t i sreplaced free o f charge . If you drop the po in t on the s ide walk we w i ll replace
i t free o f charge .
Sheaffer Lifet ime is an investmen t for future protect ion
C H UCK BA ILEY SHELBY HIMES
fl — n —n_ lfl—fll—W_-l—MI- l. —Ifl— fll— " I— fl —N— n—n —u—n—m— lll_ —|Il— n —u—m—u n—u -_fl —l
[ 2 ]
ur vert i sersPatronz
’
ze them
A pollo Con fecti on e ryBe rg Ha ts
Book Sh opB radley Kn i tting Co.
Bu r r -Pa tte r son , Jewe le r sCa r son ’
s College Clothe sCo-OpCo rona Typew r i te rCollege Ha llF
‘
i nch leyFi r s t Sta te Bank
Gene ra l E lect r i c Co .
Gelv i n'
s Cloth es Sh opG reen Tea Pot
G . R. G rubband Co .
Hamel in Stud ioHampsh i re Pape r Co .
C . A . K i le rA . G . K i rms e
Illin i Shoe ShopInman HotelJerremsK nowlton B enn ett
Ken nedy’
s
G . W . Law ren ceLe seure
’
s
H en ry C . Lytton Son sMa r r i ott Mi lesMi lano Pi pes
Mode rn Ba rbecueNas t Publ i cat ion sNoble Candy Co .
Pe r fect Bake ryPi tzenbarge r Flyn nSpa ld ing D rugD . Semmon s
Ch a r les A . Steven sB . A . St rauchStuden t Supply Sto r eUn i ted Shoe Repa i r sU rbana—Li ncoln Hote lWes te rn E lect r i c Co.
Wh i te L i n e Laund ryWh i te Typew r i te r Co .
Wh i tman'
s
W r i gh t Sweet Sh op
The S I R E N
The S I R E N—m— m—ml—m_" —MI_nu_lnl- ln
“ f li nt do you do when you a re
k i s sed ? ”
D an Semmon’
s"
I yell .
you“l "
Ha ts dry clean ed and
reblocked
(m E G r een st. Ma i n 326"
Champa i gn , Il l i n o i s
u—n—m—m — |n|
II—Illl—llII—Im— lm — l ll l—Illl—IIII_llll —|ll l— l|l|—Illl— lIII— Illl—lm—|III— l l l l
come ome
You’l l need a sui t c lea ned o rp r es sed— a sh i ne o r poss iblysome a l te r a ti on s .
Let us serve y ou
Un ited Shoeand Press ing Shops
BROS.
5 1 2 Ea st J oh nMa i n 22
“ Would vou ve l l i f I k i ssed
“ No,I
’m s t i l l hoa r se f r om la s tn igli t .
”— Bi s ou .
It’
s Our Bus in ess
1 1 0 N . Wa lnutUpsta i r s
m— nu—nu —nu—m— nu— nu—m—nu— ln—u—n
II—Illl — lll—lllI— l l ll —Illl — l l l l — ll l l—nll— lllI—Nll— lll— ml—MI— lll — lIII
There i s jus t enough time
lef t to fix you up
H ow aboutthe house picture?
Call Ma in 6 1 6 and m ake
your appo in tmen t now .
The Hamelin Stud ioA r ti s tic Photographs
No r th Ne i l St r eet Ma i n Gl li
CH AM PAIGN
m— M—flu—n—fll—m|—u— ufl—m —m- |u —fl_n_ —n
S
STU D ENT ( a tbo p ofii cc) :“ Two
t ickets , p lea se.
TICK ET SELLERS da te
STU D ENT ( abscnfl y) :“ Ma r y .
— Pcnn . Pun ch B owl.S
INSTRUCTOR (meeti ng hi s cla s s
for f i r s t t i n-m) :“ A n d on th i s
pape r I wan t you r names— n ot
y our s ignatu r es .
”— Yale Record .
S
D oes you r food con ta i n manyv i tami nes
,
”the ki nd lady asked
the hung r y gob.“Wel l , the r e’
sboun d tobe a
few i n sects i n thebest of ch ow,but you get used to i t a fte r awh i le.
” Annapoli s Log .
Should be as ca reful lylooked afte r a s any pa r t o fyou rbus iness .
to do just the k i nd of p r i n ti ng you wan t an d we do i t
at the p r ice that i s r igh t .
Marr iott 81 M ilesPr in ters
Succeed in g“ Ma r r i ott ’
s P r in t Sh opPh one 1 698
3
‘m—"n—lln—m'J—flll
_lln—nll—m—”ll—"ll—m—m—ml—“flm—un—mI—"fl—m—lfl—W—llll—m
—n—Ifl
—fl
A woman i s as old as she dances .
The re may he seven j okes i n the wo r ld,but
r ea l ly the r e i s on ly one and that i s the j oke on the
othe r fel low.
Love may laugh at l ocksmi th s,but you n eve r
n ot ice i t laugh i ng at g r oce r s o r land l o r ds .
When automobi le c r anki ng ceased p r ofan i ty felloff twen ty - fi ve pe r cen t,but the h i gh p r ice of gasol i ne hasbr ough t i tback to n o rma l .
On ly small amateu r s are jea lous ,but the re seems
tobe an unusua l numbe r of sma l l amateu r s .
A nd afte r all the th i ngs of ch i ef i nte res t i n l i feare— “What Ruth says to me”
and “Wha t I says to
Ruth .
A lean h o r se fo r a l ong race,but then a fa t h o r sedoesn’t have to run at all.
The newspape r s ta lk a lot about “ woman ’
s
wea r,
”but damn few women wea r we l l .
*ll —fi —lfl —m— l l—u—NIl—W— ll I— llll— ull— lll—Im— IMI—Illl— lu|— l|I—Nll—llfl
The S I R E N— m— m— nu— u — |m— :m— m| —m|—m|— m— wu— w — m—l
A New Studen t In st itut ion
at at
F ICTION RENTED
A t 907 South Fi fth St reet,Champa ign .
Hou r s 1
Ma i n 1 946.
p .m .
'
to 9 p .m.
°
te leph one( Come i n and browse .)
— nu— m— nu— m — l||—I|n — ’II— IIII _uu —|u — Ig
ln— llu — :m—m|—nu—ml —u| - :m—nu—nu - nn — unn— m— m
The re. i s on ly one way to r ea l ly app r eci ate wha t theCo r ona Fou r offe r s you,
and that i s to s i t down i n
f r on t of i t an d pe r sona l ly test i ts speed and wonde rful ly l i gh t, even touch . Try i t on stenci l cuttin g
and man i fo ldi ng . See i f you can make i t “
pi le " o r“ double p r i n t .
” Put i t th r ough all i ts paces and
sat i s fy you r self that he re a t las t i s a l igh t weigh ttypew r i te r wi th all the good po i n ts of i ts heav ie rbr o the r s .
We ar e the exclus ive agen ts in Champa ign and U rbana
ewriter o.
6 1 3 EAST GREEN STREET
“ fl —Il— l — ll—II—I - lfll—I — lll— l —uu—m_|w— n —u—u—M —m_u_u —w —n—m lul — nu— lm—Im—u—u - n —nu—m|—u— lfl —uu
[ 7 ]
The S I R E N
but notbulky— tha t’s serv iceable and yet smar t ! It’
s a comple teline of sweaters, sportcoats , and outerwear for men ,women , and
children , that expresses the spir i t o f spor t in fin est wors ted and
wool. See the la te st Bradley s at dealer s everywhere . Pic turesand p r ice s in our s tylebook , sen t free on reque s t .Wri te BRA D LEY KNITTING COMPANY , D elavan ,W i scon s in
[ 3 ]
— |m _ nu
B i ll D onahue’
s
Mus i c
— m i 5
MAN ( to li ttleboy) : “Who hassuch n i ce fat legs ?” (pi n ches
th em) .
BOY :“ Mama .
—.l B lue B aboon .
They we r e s i tti ng i n the ham
mock .
“ If I sh ou ld k i ss you,wou ld
Vou sc r eam ? ” he a sked cauti ous
W'
e l l,
”she an swe r ed coy ly
,
“ i f
you d id i t p r ope r l y, I don ’t see
how I could .
”— B i son .
The S I R E N
Hear Y e
New Victor Records I
th is mon th
“ Tca fo r TwoBen son s Orch es ra
“ I’ve a Ga r den i n Sweden
Wa r i n gs Pen n s lyvan ian s
S he Loves Me "
In t . Nove lty O r ch est r a
Si oux Ci ty SueTh e V i r g i n i an s
Furn i ture
RugsPi cture Fr ames
C . A . KILER24 -26 Ma i n St r eet Champa i gn
— IlIl — m|
II—IIlI—flll— nll— IlIl— l l l l — Illl _ un— nn— uu — 7 —III|— Illl— lll— Illl—‘flll— lln— i — 7IlI—'
III—|ll -l —Illl— Ill— l l l l— l l l l— lllI— i — |III— I|ll
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Also , the Complete Line w ith the Un ivers ityof Illino is Seal
D ETROIT,MICHIGAN
A I. BRA D SH AW,D i s t-r iot Repr esen ta ti ve
— 1 07 E . D ANIEL,Loca l H eadquar ter s
—IIII— Illl— IIn - I\lI— III -Illl l— llIl—v l— IIG— Ilt—m— m
MAIN 2493
“ ll—t Illl— l l l l— IIlI— l l ll— IllI— Illt— Illl— llII— l l l l— Ill!— Illl— "ll- "ll—IIII—IIII— l l l l—|III_IIII
CONSTRUCTION SUPT “ Y oubigbonehead,you’ve gotten us i n to a
damage sui t . I to ld you’ to fi rethat man— n ot to h i t h im wi th an
axe .
SWED ISH FOREM ANS“ Ve l lboss
,
dose axe she have si gn vo t say“ For Fi r e U se On ly
,
”so I use
her .
”— lVashing ton Column s .
The S I R E ND O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW
T
NO‘V
DO
earn s outwom en
the demon ch aperon e
D o r is was just thebe r r ies ,but the re wasonebump In the smoo th cou rse o f our t ruelove : Aun t Be r tha, the demon chape r one .
Wheneve r I took D o r is to a p r om,Aun t
Be r tha canalboa ted a long w i th us . Sheobjected to all my holds . She didn
’
t l ikethe music . She was c rabbing the pa r ty . I
t r ied all my con ve rsat iona l wi les on her.
Her react ion was G 6 . I asked her i f she'
wou ld l ike to wa l tz . She was rude enoughto accept and i t took ha lf Geo rge’
s gin to
resto re me to no rma lcy .
Final ly, in shee r despe ration , I w r o te to
the Vogue In fo rmat ion Bu reau for adv ice .
Miss McLean repl ied tha t the Ma r qu is of
Queensbe r r y rules d idn t pe rmi t any o f thed rast ic measu res that I had thought of ;andbesides , the pol ice we re ve r y cleve r .She suggested a simple r and co rking plan .
1 0 issues f o r $2
Van i ty Fa i r , G reenwich, Conn .
D ea r Van i ty Fai rIf you think Aun t Be r tha Is a demon chape rone,
you ought to know Miss Rumford a t Wes te rn Pa rkSem ina ry. Enclosed please find TWO D OLLARSfor TEN ISSUES. Ineed the fi rs t one for the PromTuesday.
TEAR IT OUT TEAR IT OUT TEA R IT OUT TEA R IT O UT FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN
Name, etc .
Illustrat ion copy righ tby Van ity Fa i r
IT
NOWDO
0Cl
PIN TWO BUCK S PIN TW O BUCK S PIN TWO BUCK S D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW
[ 1 0 ]
At the next p r om Ipa rked Aun t Be r tha ina co rne r , and handed her the latest copy ofVan i ty Fa i r . She picked i t up ginge r ly,but afew m inutes late r I saw she was eng r ossed !D o r is and Istepped out to see the Memo r ia lWindowby moon l ight . We cameback th reedances late r . We hadn
’
tbeen missed .
Next t ime, I took Aun t ie aback file o f
Van i ty Fa i r for the yea r 1 924 . Afte r th reehou rs, we found her read ing a Stephen
Leacock a r t icle to a del ighted ci rcle o ffaculty membe rs and wi ves . The D ean ofthe G raduate School was so in t r igued hed idn
’
t rea l ize his whiske rs we re caught in
Mrs . Bascom’
sbeadwo rk.
I at t r ibute the success o f my en t i re seasonto Van i ty Fai r . Try It on y our chape r one .
The S I R E N
I . Y e Sorority Picn ic
He r e i s A lbe r t Pigsn ick , who was i n v i ted on the
X i X i pi cn i c as an odd man . A lbe r t i t seems i s a
townboy and has a la rge car and s i nce he was oncea scoutmas te r of Eag le T r oop B . S. A . he kn ows all
about outdoo r l i fe and can cook on one match and
a ll tha t . The gang has wan de red off to get mi lkan d so A lbe r t i s left wi th Mrs . Regi n a Smalltrout
(wi dow of the la te Maj o r Smalltrout ) the X i X i
chape r one .
Mrs . Smalltrout i s s imp ly w i ld about Housmana nd i n s i sts upon read i ng the
“ Sh r opsh i r e Lad” toA lbe r t , wh o wi th twobu r ned thumbs and a mouthful l of smoke i s r eady tobe wi ld about. a lmost anyth i ng .
[ 1 2 ]
D ON A LLEN,Ed i tor BURNETT H . SHRYOCK
,A r t Ed i tor H . F. HUGH ES, Bus in ess Mgr .
Bus i n es s Staff of th e Si r en Bus i n ess Stafi A ss i s tan ts
Loca l A dve r ti s i n g Man age r Helen Gabel i ne ,
'
27, C . A . Wood ,
'
27, B . W . Co r ey, ’
28,
Na t iona l A dve r ti s i ng Manage r Geo r ge Kappus ,’
27. E l l iot K a r ole ,
'
28, F. Tucke r , ’
27,C i r cula ti on Manage r Ha r r i et McLaugh li n ,
’
27, P. H . E lcan ,
’
27, Be r n i ce Bon e r ,A s s is tan t C i r cula ti on Man age r 7, D o r othy Polla r d ,
’
28. Jack Samue ls , ’
27, W . A .
Collect ion an d Copy Manage r Schouten ,
’
27, Jane Judson ,
'
28, L . C . Enos ,
’
28,
Member Midwes t College Comi c A ssoc ia ti on
Publ i sh ed mon th lyby the Illin i Publ i sh i ng Company, Un i ve r s i ty of Illi noi s , du r ing th e college yea r . En te red as see
ond -class ma tte r a t th e postoffice at U rbana , Il l inoi s ,by A ct of Cong r ess , Ma r ch 3 , 1 879. O ffi ce o f publ i cation , Illi n i
Publ i sh i ng Company. Subsc r iption p r i ce th e yea r , .by mai l . Add res s all commun i cat ions Un ion Bui ld ing .
Well, H omecom ing
OMECOMING has a lwaysbeen an i nsti tut i on wi th the Si ren , eve r s ince the day whenthe Old G i r l was ushe r ed i n to th i s wo r l d
,
'
a squa l l i ng, red -faced,l i tt lebra t . So the re
fo r e the w r i ti ng of a Homecomi ng ed i to r i a l i s necessa r y and who are we to casts tones at an o r de r
,wh ich hasbeen mo r e ca re ful ly Obse r vedby our predeccessors thanby
any othe r o rgan i za t i on on the Campus .
Y es,we are a lways g rateful fo r a l i ttle H omecomi ng fo r wi th i t comes the oppo r tun i ty
fo r cyn ica l Obse r vat ion an d l i kewi se the oppo r tun i ty to s i t fo r h ou r s i n a cold,d raugh ty sta
d ium wh i le sun d r y gen t lemen of the classes o f ’98 o r ’1 7 o r ’28 weep alcholic tea r s on our
too th i n topcoa t.A nd then too comes the a lumn ibanquet an d all the j oys of th i r ty mi nute speaking and
the confiden t ia l ta lks wi th i nebr iated p ledges a nd the capta i n of i ndust r y who i s go i ng to g i vea ll thebr othe r s abig p lace i n h i s Office.
A n d so webetake ou r sel ves to our sancto r um and read the dictum tha t the gods haveu tte r ed
,anen t
“ Tha t th i s hasbeen a mos t o rde r ly and peaceful H omecoming ,” whe reupon wetea r our ha i r and i ssui ng fo r th r o l l t r iumph an t ly i n the gutte r .
A nd'
the 1mmHIS yea r ’s Illi n i offe r s a sha rp con t ra st to all the Illi n i s Of the past ; pe rhaps i t i sbecause of the t r i n i ty of h i gh mi nded gen t r y who p r es ide ove r i ts spi r i tua l wel fa re o r i tmaybe due to our mo re matu re i n s i gh t i n to the mechan i sm of a ll th i ngs .
A t any ra te i n the sewe r s Of Un i ve r s i ty H a l l si t Fathe r F r ank l in and Fa the r Weigman
and Fa the r Ka r tman an d i t i s wi th pa te rna l eyes tha t they wa tch the pagean try of Un ive r s i ty l i fe . Sh ould they see a F r eshman i n n eed of adv ice, they adv i se h im ; sh ould they see
a Sen i o r i n n eed of adv i ce they di sc r ed i t h im . W i th thebrushes of a Ti tian theybeaut i fy
The S I R E N
the campus and wi th the vo i ce of a St. F ranc i s they extoll the v i r tue of Campus t rad i ti on .
Neve rbefo re has the F r eshmanbeen so wel l i n fo rmed as to the rules gove r n i ng regi st r at i on . Neve rbefo r e have rasca lsbeen r ep r imanded i n such a ki nd
,sweet
,fathe r ly an d sympa
theti c fash i on . A n d now even p r ofesso r s are enabled to teach the youth of the land i n a fi rmefficien t manne r
,because the D a i ly t r i n i ty ha s f i xed the ru les of p r ofesso r i a l conduct to a
n icety .
A nd all of th i s hasbeen done i n an effect ionate, con s t ructi ve, c r i tica l way and the
pate r na l t r iad have even added amendmen ts so that thebacks l i de r and the un r epen tan t s i nner migh t swi ft ly r etu r n to g race.
So we sh ou ld thank Jove fo r hav i ng acco r ded us such a s imp le r emons t rati ve sheet asthe D ai ly Illi n i an d hav i ng put the rei n s of p owe r i n the hands of
.
such n ice, g ran dfa the r lyedi to r s
,as Fathe r F rank l i n and Fa ther Weigman .
Agr icola Terram A ral
T p leases us to n oti ce a few days ago tha t the New Ag r icu l tu re Bui ld i ng was fi n i shed to
the ex ten t that mos t of the fi n i sh i ng touches, includi ng a n ice g i lded wi r e s i gn , we recomp leted . The cas t i r on s ign wh i ch f rames the ma in doo rway i s i n t r i guing to say the
leas t, pe rhaps i t r eca l ls the days when we used to moun t the i r on stag tha t g raced the f r on tlawn and cha rge r igh t th r ough thebr i da l wr eathbushes that obscu r ed the h ouse f r om the
s t reet.The addi ti on of th i s n i ce w r ough t—meta l s i gn to the tidbi t of G r ego r i an i s a n ove l th i ng
i n a r ch i tecture. We a lmos t suspect tha t a fa rme r legi s la tu r e passed moti ons on i t,s i nce
n o a r ch i tect would eVer th i nk of such a c r ea ti on . By gad, an a rch i tect wou ld soone r th i nkof decorati ng a n i ce we l l equi pped pigs ty wi th seve ra l of the Elgin Ma rbles o r a l ovelyi ncin erator wi th a s tatue of Apol lo .
However , the s i gn i s n ice, v i si ti ng ag r i cul tu r a l papas wi l lbe imp ressedby i t and so wi l lgo h ome and i n struct thei r coun ty rep r esen ta t i ves to vote fo r l igh ten i ng r ods on the sheepbarns
,but not a cen t fo r them gosh -all-hen -w ra ss le poet r y sch oo ls .
We suggest that a l ong wi th th i s si gn , oth e r s that wouldbe effect i ve at n i gh t, migh tbee rected, f or i n s tance, a la rge automa ti c elect r ic s ign depi cti ng a fi eld of wav i ng. wheat o ra l ovelybov i ne scene whe r ei n cows st r o l led about a pas tu re wh ich hadbeen t rea ted wi thph osph o rus and green manu re.
Y es,beauty and ag r icul tu r e go hand i n h and .
Con tr ibutor s to th is Issue
B i l l Jacob, Bu r nett Shyrock, D on K i ng, A l
Gage, J im W i lson , Rudy Kagey, A . E . Malmer,E .
A . Taube r t,O . K . John ston .
The S I R E N
the Truth
D ammi t,Ib’li eve the r e’
s sumpi u w r ong wi th th i s un i fo rm.
[ 1 6 ]
The Ballad of A ngelfaced Jon es’
Return
Oh A ngelfaced Jones was the p r i de of h i s c lass :A chap who was g reat ly adm i redA nd th ough some low pe r sons opined h im an as s ,
He a lways was sma r tl y a tti red .
H i s g r enad ie r coa t was the p r i de of h i s dayA nd so was h i s stone colo r edbeave r
,
A nd A ngelfaccd Jones wasboth wi tty and gayOf woman a p r i ncely decei ve r .
Now A ngelfaced Jones was thebest of a spo r t : .
A t T rack he copped t r oph ies, some fo r ty .
In debati ng, I’m toldby an ancien t r epo r t,H i s r ebutta l was ve r y retorty .
A nd he had aben t i n the mus i ca l l i ne ;A l th ough he p layed st r ict ly on wa te r ;Why eve r yone swo r e tha t i t rea l ly was fi ne
,
When Ange l face p layed ‘A lma Mate r ’.
A nd A ngelfaced Jones was a man among men ;The F r at res i n U rbes ado red h imA nd n oth i ng, how sma l l , eve r fo i led h i s kenA s n o th i ng on ea r th cou ld havebo red h im.
A nd when he passed on f r om the Book an d the
B r ow,
The tea r s of the D ean we r e un fa i l i ngA n d somebody muttured , “Wa tch A ngel face now
,
He’ll soon have the cold wo r ld a -wa i li ng .
”
A nd so the yea r s passed ; he was soon l ost to v iewF r om the sphe re of all canned e r ud i ti on ,
But,h i s sou l was not dead fo r i tblazed eve r n ew
A s the oldes t of Campus T r ad i ti on .
A nd the D ean told each man who up fo r a jagOf the n oblest name ’mong the c lassesA nd the D ea n to ld each man who wa s up fo r a jagTo smash up h i sbott les and g lasses .
Today he r etu r ned , we l lbel ieve i t o r not,But i t
’
s the p la i n t r uth,tha t I utte r ;
I saw A ngelt'
aced Jones s tand a l one on th i s spotA nd k ick a lame ca t i n the gutte r .H i s face was as ha rd as a cold g r an i te wallA nd h i s eyes we re d i sco lo r ed and ha r r iedAn d the re’
s jus t one way to expla i n i t a t allGad ! A ngelfaced Jones mustbe ma r r ied .
The S I R E N
The S I R E N
Isn’
t It Strange
Tha t a p r etty lady wi l l often fa l l fo r a h omel yma n , who i s dumb, common and poo r .
Tha t you a lways have somebody bea t you on
[our O f a k i nd .
Tha t you r woma n wi l l fl i r t w i th eve r yone on the
fl oo r save you .
Tha t the cou r ses y ou s tudy fo r,r etu r n the low
es t g rades .
Tha t a college man has nobette r chance w i th a
town wen ch than any of the l oca lboobe r y .
Tha t you sh ou ld s i t he r e and read th i s s tuff,
when you could r ead Shakespere, Mi l ton,Eme r son ,
and Home r .
D ogma
I sha l l neve r ma r ry !l i Ima r r y a s l im
,elfin - l i ke c rea tu r e
,who i s wi l
l owy, g r aceful and da i n ty ; she wi l l deve l op i n to ath i n emaci a ted woman
,who wi l l have ch r on i c
catarrah and colds on her ches t.If I ma r r y a woman who i s a mass of l ovely
cu r ves and who has a go rgeous d imp le and i s r ea lly someth i ng wonde r ful to watch ; she wi l l weighseven ton at fo r ty an d have the gen e r a l out l i n e ofa mea l sack .
Con sequen t ly I. sha l l neve r ma r r y .
A Pur i st at Last
A n o ffice r f r om Chanute fie ld hadbeen i n t r oduced to a ve r y p retty co -cd and tobreak the i ce heasked
“ Mi ss Wh i te,do you go i n fo r av iati on ? ”
The young lady looked up casua l ly and
retu r ned“ Oh
,dea r n o
,Capta i n ,
one goes i n fo rba th i ng,but one goes up_fo r avi ati on ?A nd th i s all goes to p r ove tha t the ed i to r ia l
page of the D a i ly Illi n i has a wh olesome and educa
t ion al effect upon the mi nds of our unde rg r aduates .
D AUGHTER ( embrac i ng the fa ther) : “ D addy, you
a re a pe r fect dea r , a ren ’t you
PATER : “We l l , i f i t’s
,
ove r twel ve dol la r s,I
’m
He whobank s on women i s a poo r finan cie r .
A l th ough a woman i s a na tu r a lba rga in hun te rshe neve r i s seen wi th a man i n r educed ci rcums tances .
Who l oses all the faul t some peop le find .
Aged i n the Wood
Well H ardlyCome fo ld me i n you r a rms ton igh t,For the cand les are ta l l and dim.
So fo ld '
me i n you r a rms ton igh tAs i f I we re a wh im.
— NORA, (In The Lin e) .
I’m so r r y
,No ra
,so r r y
,but I’mbusy
,
The re’
s qui te a lot of copy I mus t w r i te .
A nd dea r,you r i n v i tati on makes me d i zzy,
But not ton i gh t .
I ce r ta i n ly am wi ld about you r candles,But then pe rhaps you sh ou ldbl ow out the l i gh t .I’d l ike tobe the r e are a mess of scanda l sW i th you, ton igh t .
The God of Love s i ts laugh i ng i n h i s HeavenA nd Time
, you kn ow,wi l l hu r r y i n h i s fl igh t,
Whe re wi l l yoube let’s see about e levenTomo r r ow n igh t .
SUND AY SCH OOL TEACH ER : “ Now i f you are goodch i ld ren the re wi l lbe ange l s a r ound you rbed at
n igh t.”TIMMY TH E RAT : “ D on ’t I kn ow ledy and say
can’t deybi te ? ’
The S I R E N
Sequence
G o ing Study .
G oing to G olf.
Go ing to Bed . Go ing H ell.
Consequence
[ 1 9 ]
The S I R E N
The Homecoming Gamei s th e Noveli s t Pu r veys i t to th e Publi c
The team came p ranci ng f r om the l ocke r - r oom,
the i r dul l pi nk sweate r s g l i s ten i ng i n the la te sun
O f a fa l l afte r noon . A s they passed th r ough the
doo rway B ig Tim Lewi nshon,the coach s lapped
each man hea r t i ly ac r oss the sh oulde r s . Each man ?
NO ! the re was one he fo rgot, Ha r o ld Horsecollar ,a sen i o r
,who fo r the las t th ree yea r s had neve r
fe l t the exh i lera t ion“ of abig game .
1
It was Homecomi ng . In the mo rn i ng the campus
hadbeen dotted wi th va r i -co lo red umbr el las unde rwh i ch the a lumn i had met and exchanged remi n i s
cences .
“ The th r ee newbui ldi ngs we re ve r y n ice .
”
“ The eques t r ian s tatue of the fi r st p res iden t wasgo rgeous ,but when d id the old ‘
gogg le-eyes”eve r
moun t a h o r se .
” “ And the r e we re not so manybo tt le caps i n the gutte r s as the re used tobeNow i t was the game, the s tan ds we re jammed
wi th en thus iastic a lumn i and the a i r was a mass ofr i va l col o r s
,fo r today W i s te r ia Col legebattled i ts
ancien t foe, the Un i ve r s i ty of D rooble,i n the g reat
est pu lse qui cken ing con test of the yea r . SO far
both i n s ti tuti ons had won an equa l numbe r of contes ts and th i s was to deci de the champi on ,
fo r nex tyea r The Un i ve r s i ty of D rooble was go i ng tobecomep r o fess i ona l and p lay i n the Nati ona l League .
Sudden ly the sha rpblas t of a wh i s t le shatte r edeve r y. wi ndow i n t own and then the h i sto r ic pi gsk i nr ode h igh i n to the a i r tobe en folded i n the a rms ofthe W i ste r i a qua r te r who was th r ownbeh i n d h i s
own goa l l i nes . The W'
i s te r i a s tands moan ed as
the sco r e r cha lked up a sa fety fo r the Un i ve r s i ty ofD rooble.
F r om the Oppos i te s tands came the quick s taeca to chee r of the D rooble adhe ren ts
'
Stan d’
em on thei r heads ! ‘
Stand ’em on thei r feet !
D rooble ! D rooble !Can
’tbebea t !”
But the “ ’i ste r ia. s tuden ts we re not downhea r tedand they chan ted the “ Figh ti ng Song” tha t a lwayssen t t remo r s of te r r o r th r ough oppos i ng teams .
A nd so the sco re stood fo r two qua r te r s , theni n the th i r d Joe Mudgua r d d r opped a pe r fect ki ckbetween the D rooble goa l posts and the stan ds wen tmad fo r W i ste r ia leadby one po i n t. But the v i cto r ywa s sho r t l i ved fo r just as the fou r th qua r te rbeganthe D rooble ful lback c r ashed th r ough the cen te rOf the I’Vi ster i a defen se fo r a touchdown and the
sco re s tood 9-3 . The D rooble r oo te r s we r e i n toxicated i n mo re than one way, the game was ce r ta i n
n ew fo r on ly five m inutes we r e left and Van Houtenthe W i s te r ia qua r te r and s ta r hadbeen pe rmanen t lyc r ippled i n the successfu l p lay .
The W i s te r ia stands we r e i n gl oom, st r ong mencu r sed n ervous lv an d the D ean wa s seen gnash i ng
h i s knee cap . But some one had to take Van
Houten ’s p lace . Tim Lewi n shon l ooked at the eage r
subs . Who could do i t ?Then he remembe red that on ly Ha r o ld Ho r se
colla r knew the s i gna ls , he would have to send h imhe was a he l l Of a p laye r ,but the game
wasbeyond h ope.
“ Horsecollar,
”sa i d Tim
,
“
get out the re and playqua r te r .”
“ Y es, Mr . Lewi n shon ,
” r etu r ned Ha r o ld ,” I sha l ldo mybest .”
The stands g r oaned when Ha r o ld t r otted on the
fie ld . But Ha r old was r eady to figh t, fo r th reeyea r s he had sat on thebench
,even today the ’
coach
had fa i led to s lap h im ac r oss theback as he leftthe l ocke r r oom and now the s tands we r ebooti ngh im. But he
’d sh ow them. Somewhe re i n the
stands we r e h i s Old wh i te-ha i red fa the r and mothe rand wi th them was the l i tt le gi r l who hadbeenh i s sweethea r t fo r ten yea r s and wh om he h oped toma r r y someday .H i s cleve rness and madness a la rmed the D rooble
eleven and put new l i fe i n to the Wi ste r ia team .
In th r ee mi nutes they we re wi th i n two ya r ds of theD rooble goa l and the s tands we r e wi ld wi th exci temen t . The r e they stopped and th ree down sbr ough tthem no nea r e r the goa l .Ha r o ld’
sbr a i n was wo rk i ng r api d ly, he had a
minute and a qua r te r left,then he had an i n spi r a
t i on,f r om h i s pocket he d rew abott le, i t was a
qua r tbott le and i t wasbr own and had a wh i te
label . W i th one sweepi ng ges tu r e he r o l led i t toa co r ne r of the fie ld and afte r i t cha rged twen tv
one men and the con ten ts of twobleache r s . Then
wi th assu r ed n oncha lance Ha r old tucked theba l lun de r h i s arm and saun te r ed ac r oss the goa l l i ne .
A few mi nutes la te r as the wh i st leblew he k i cked
goa l g i v i ng W i s te r i a the wi n n i ng poi n t and the
champi on sh i p .
E ve r yone was shak i ng h imby -the' hands and all
the g i r l s we re figh ti ng to k i ss h im. Need less to sayT im Lewi nshon did n ot congra tula te Ha r o ld fo rhe and the Head of the Commerce Sch ool hadbeenk i l led i n a head -ou col l i s i on ,
but Tim had d ied wi ththebott le i n h i s g rasp .
The S I R E N
When the orches tra n ext door starts play ing when y ou’
r e study ing do y ou th ink of
O r these.
[ 22 ]
The S I R E N
A Feli n e H omecom ing
c c'
Y T fl n ’N 1 “
He r e you see A ud rey, the Ph i Theta cat . For to s tage a l i ttle Homecom i ng O f her own . F r omyea r s Aud rey has obse r ved Homecomi ng at the P. T . all i nd ica ti on s i t i s appa ren t that A ud rey wi l l soonHouse wi th fel i ne cu r i os i ty and now she has deci ded he an i n te rested spectato r at a wa te r ca r n i va l .
See tha t cow stand i ng ove r the r e i n the
co r ne r of the pas tu re ? ”A . S. :
“ Y es , what Of i t ?”L. :
“Wel l,tha t’s the mos t va luable cow i n the
s ta te .
A . S. :“ Y ou don ’
t say so !”
L. :“ Y es
,and that’s nobu l l ei the r .
BREATH LEss BUTLER ‘ “ The chauffeu r ’s run n i ngaway wi th you r wi fe, s i r .
HUSBAND ( yawn i ng) :“Wha t’s he runn i ng fo r ? ”
B lack and B lue J ay.
The Steam -heated Pass i onIt was twi l i gh t i n old Ind i a and outs i de the
wa l ls of Pan ja r a m i n st r e l sat s i ngi ng to h i s lute .
He was a man g i fted of the God’s . F r om Ind ia he
had h i s man lybeauty,the s l im g r acefu l l y fo rmed
statu re, the keen twi nk l i ng eyes and the l ips ofsca r let . To all of th i s Rama had added a vo ice ofexqui s i te lovli ness and a song Of pol i shed s i l ve r .
Sometimes the mi n st r el sang wi th h i s eyes , somet imes he sang wi th the golden n otes of h i s vo i ce,but now he sang and sang on ly wi th h i s hea r t . In
a few momen ts the P r i ncess would retu r n th r oughthe ci ty gate and the m in st re l had seen the P r i nces sbut once and had l oved her eve r s i nce . A nd so he
sang wi th gay abandonOh
, I have lor cd the s tars and the MoonA nd I have worsh ipped the r oseBut ah
,they a llbecarpet the pa th.
t e-
re my da i n ty Pr i ncess goes .
”
A nd as he fin i shed the song he l ooked up and
the r e upon a mi lk -wh i te pa l f rey sa t the P r i nces sand a r ound her we r e a ll the p r i nces of Ind ia .
’Ti s we l l you s i ng , fa i r m i n st re l ,” she sa i d an d
tak i ng a r i ng f r om her s l im finge r she la id i t i n
the pa lm o f the mi n st r el ’s han d . A nd then she and
her t ra i n passed wi thi n the ci ty gates .
Now you th in k th i s i s go i ng to end wi th somewi se c rack as
“and w i th tha t he woke up,
”but youa re mi s taken . The P r i ncess sen t fo r the minst reland ma r r i ed h im and they r uled ove r a ll India an d
had fo r ty ch i ld r en . SO dry you r ea r s .
The S I R E N
And with October com
E lla-mac \Ve r le class of'
97 and the fi rs tbeauty queenr etu rn s to the old fr a t house , wh e r e Irene and D o ra wh o
d id not make th e las t yea r ’s Beauty Sec t ion are quietlyg iv ing her a s i len t h a h a .
Mi lly and GMixe r . Ne ithe r pa r tyafl
‘
a ir looks likebloods
Th e So r o r i ty Stun t Sh ow.
[ 24 ]
The S I R E N
Th e Hono r man o f’
86 sees the dumbsmack the clas sth e fi r s t t ime s ince g raduat ion .
-
p out at th e
'
A lu mn ity yea r s and th e
v.
Te r r ible D av is , ’
98, as m igh ty a fullback as eve r twis teda gua rd' s . th ig h obse r ves '
thebig game in th e company o f
h is s ophomo re son , wh ile B e rcy Mi lk , poe t lau rea te o f’98
ch ee r s h i s sophomo re Offsp r ing who has jus t. made a th i r tyya rd ga in .
—M \Lw -s ki \ i t: MILW “ A ‘ “
[ 25 ]
The S I R E N
An Elizabethan HomecomingThe scene i s la id in the drawing r oom of Y e Purple Swan Fratern i ty a t Oaford College. Var i ous
“bro ther sbespo r t themselves about, they are clad i n gold slashed doublets an d th e a le pot i s thebusi es ti h -i ng i n the r oom. En ter Wi ll Shakespere, class of 1 585.
SHAKESPERE
A nd he re i s whe r e I spend mi ne ea r ly youth ,Mi d column s Old and fes ti ve cu r ta in s gay ,A nd sund ry tomes andba ld heads h igh and
r ound .
A nd he re I conned my La ti n and my G reekTo lea r n the plays of Soph oc lesby hea r t,Tha t late r I migh t use them as my own .
PORTER
We l l Sain t Pete r gibrue de golden keys ef i t
a i n’t Mi stah Shakespea r e . Goddem I
k i n remembuh when youall was a
f reshman , suh . A ndby de way, Mi stuhShakespere de ale am smacki n goodd i s even i n .
SHAKESPERE :
HO,knave have you a da l l iance wi th Time
Go fetch a pot and fill i t to thebr im,
Wi th tha t sweet d raugh t wh i ch swi ft lywa rms the '
hea r t.BACON ( to Por ter i n whi sper)
A nd hush who i s that langui d s t range r the re,In co r ded sh i r t and gaudy coat of red ?
PORTER :
Sayboy, dat’s Mi stah Shakespere of de class of1 585, one of debes t men '
de frat ebe rhad . He was ed i tah obevery th i ng an
used to w r i te dem D ramat p lays .
BACON '
Ri se men,we have a welcome guest ton igh t,
In B r othe r Shakespere who has jus t ret urnedF r om L ondon whe r e he’
s made a g r ea tsuccess
By acting i n the Span i sh T r agedy .
SHAKESPERE
Pa r don,my f r i en d,“
you err I fea r , i n pa r tI do not act
,I on ly w r i te the p lay .
A las ,the Span i sh T r agedy’
s n ot mi ne,
I wrote Two Gen tlemen wh i ch on ly lateSHREWSBURY ( a sophomore, con sequen tly a pos
sessor of a ll knowledge) :0 yes, the p lay th a t flopped down at the
Globe .
SHAKESPERE :
Well tha t’s not t rue, i t was a fa i r success
A tempe r amen ta l acto rbo tched the wo rk sTo wh ich the ki nd di recto r added moreBy asi n ine di r ecti on on the wh ole.
BACON
Oh wel l,I guess you made a l i tt le cash
Y ou p layw r igh ts su r ely ha r vest i n the
c r own s .
SHAKESPERE (braggi ng modes tly)Oh , yes i ndeed, I cleared a l i ttle ga inA nd soon the Queen may make me r oya l
kn i gh t .En ter sundry yokels .
SHAKESPERE :
Now who are these ?BACON
Wel l,an swe r up, youboobs .
FIRST YOKEL :
Say li sten ,bo, D i nk Pott le wan ts to see eigh tc r own s fer dat last l oad of h ootch and
i f I don ’t gi t _i t i t’s go i n ’ tobe Hel l ,br othe r .
SECOND YOKEL :
A nd l ikewi se,boy , I come to get dat fu rn i tu reyou fa i led to make paymen ts on and
dese men are r i gh t wi l l i n’to ei the r
move de - fu r n i tu r e o r you out of d i sshack .
BACON ( to Shakespere)Say l i s ten , Wi l l,by all the sac r edbondsY ou couldn ’t gi ve these men some twen ty
c r own sAnd save thebr othe rh ood f rom di s repute ?
SHAKESPERE
What twen ty c r own s, ti sbut a pi ttance now,
Tha t I am the lead i ng poet of the wo r ld .
BACON
(Pays yokels, who exi t) .
Y ou kn ow we p lan tobui ld a n ewe r h ouseFor wi th th i s shack i t
’s ha r d to rush aga i n s t
The Cozened Wo rms and o r de r s o f tha t i lk .
Ha l l o,my lads , let Shakespere see the p lans .
The menbri ngblue pr in ts)SHAKESPERE
Wel l r ea l l y i sn’t that abi t immen se ?BACON :
Oh,not at all, i t r ea l ly i s qui te sma l l ,
SHREW'
SBURYThe Abbey i s jus t once aga in as la rge .
BACON
Of cou r se, the wh ole a lumn i wi l l cometh rough
A nd help us r ai se the cash , some mi l l i oncrown s .
SHAKESPERE :
Migod ,_the th r one of Eng lan d’s not wo r th
that .
BACON,
Wel l,br othe r Johnson now has p ledged h i s
sha reA ndbr o the r B oswel l gave us fifty mo re .
SHREWSBURY :A nd Ma r l owe i s expected to k i ck i n .
SHAKESPERE
A nd so I guess I am doomed to help the pot .
BACON :
Oh yes, we have ass i gned to you, you r sh a r eFi ve th ousand c r own s
,a meage r sum fo r you .
Si nce you have neve r he lped the f ra t a l otA nd we gave you a handsome s ta r t i n l i fe .
SHAKESPERE ( holdi ng h i s head) :Fi ve th ousand c r own s
, good god I’m goi ngmad .
(He squats i n the fire-
place an dbabbles) .
B less thy five fi ts ! Fi ve th ousan d c r own s !Tom’
s a -cold ,— O,do
,dedo
,de
,do
, de. B lessth ee f r om wh i r l -wi nds
,sta r -blast ing
an d tak i ng ! Fi ve th ousan d c r own s !Tom’
s a -cold !Sti ll th r ough the hawth o rnebl ows the
cold wi nd,
Says suum,mun
,ha no n onny .
D olph i n , myboy, myboy, sessa ! Let h im t r otby !BACON
A las,a las
,th i s end i s ve r y sad
Before we got h i s c r own s, poo r W i l l wen t
mad .
SH E'
:“ Ma r r y you, Geo rge, of cou r se not
,you’r e
too much of an ass .
”
HE :“ But then eve r yone sa i d we
’d make such a
wonde r ful pa i r .”
The S I R E N
SENIOR : “ A n d do you kn ow wha t happen s to
f r eshmen who d r i nk ? ”
FROSH :“ Su r e
,when theybecome sen i o r s they
a re put on the F r eshman D i sci pl i na r y Commi ttee .
Chanson
These are the v i o lets,faded and dead
,she wo r e i n
her golden ha i r,
Tha t ga la -n igh t i n the l ong ago, when she was youngand fa i r ;
The shy, sweet g r ace, the tende r face of thei r g i ve rd im appea r s .
A h,th ose faded h opes of a day l ong past i n the
d r ea ry r ound of yea r s .
L’E n i
‘
o i
Last summe r I met. her a t Moun t D ese r t as wi thhusband she sped
O’
er the r ocky road i n her rangey Stuz and she
cool ly cut me dead .
Th i s i s a Li eSTU D ENT (who has n er -oed h imself to ask a.
fa ther’s con sen t) : “ P r o fesso r (le J ones , I have jus t
retu r n ed f r om a dance wi th Ma rga ret and f i ndi ng you he re a lon e
"
Pri or : “ Tha t’s al r igh t, myboybr oke eh . Wel l,h e re’
s fi ve ; her mo the r used to clean me out the
same way .
”
The S I R E N
The D a i ry of an A ssjaek
MondayTon igh t I wen t ove r and saw Ir ene and she says
to me,
“ A i n’
t i t fun ny ,but all my othe rboy f r i ends,br i ng s candy when they come ? ” “ Ha h a,
”say I,
I don '
t see you pass i n’n one of i t a r ound .
” I’m
su r e the r e w i th the n i fties,but Ir ene had a head
ache so I left a t n i ne .
Tuesday
I wen t ove r to Genevive’s and th r owed thebul l
awh i le and she wan ted to go to the mov i es,but Isays that they hu r t my eyes . She had a pass so we
wen t and saw Ramon Nava r r o,who don
’t know an
awful l o t about mak ing l ove .
Wedn esday
I have decided tobe a mov i e s ta r a fte r wa tch i ngRamon Nava r r o’s c rude wo rk . So I wen t ove r andt r i ed my stud on Ma rga ret . A fte r we w r est led a
whi le she ast me to go out an d see i f the mi lkmanhad left the ex t rabott le of mi lk,but I cou ldn ’
t
find n oth i ngbut an old g i nbott le her old man had
d r opped out h i s wi ndow. When I cameback the
doo r was l ocked and thebel l d i scon nected,but that
di dn ’t s top me f r om kn ock i ng fo r about an h ou r .Thursday
Theboys at th e h ouse gave me the add ress of aswel l wi dow wh i ch had a m i l l i on dol la r s an d was
c razy to meet me,but i t seems tha t she got ma r r i ed
sudden ly and s i nce her man was h ome I di dn’t
have no date .
fi hi day
Me and Cla ra wen t out i n h er old man ’s Fo r d
and outs ide of town we ran out of gas an d she
expected me to go get some.
“Wel l .” says I,“ i t
’s
you r can .
” Then I must have fa i n tedbecause I
woke up i n the r oad all d i zzy - l i ke and the car was
gone. Y ou can neve r t rus t a woman n oh ow,so I
sc r atched C la ra off my l i st .Sa turday
Me and Estel le wen t to B r ad ley on one of thebr othe r ’s passout checks . A n d passout a i n ’
t fun ny,because I da rn nea r di d . The re was a n i fty gen tthe re and E stel le kept mak in eyes at h im and I was
all fo r sock i n h im down un ti l somebody sa i d he wason thebox i ng team and I sh ou ldbe one to keep an
a th lete f r om competi t i onby kn ocki ng h im ove r .Sunday
I wen t to My r t le’s fo r suppe r , shebe i ng a town
g i r l and a fte rwa r ds we sat a r ound and chatted t i l lthe 0] folks h i t the sn o r e sh e l f. A fte rwh i le My r t lesays
,
“ D o you know wha t C leopa t r a to ld Ma rkA n tony once ?” “ No
,
” I says,
“ I’m i n the Eng i nee r
i ng Sch ool and so neve r took no h i sto r y .
” “We l l,
”
says My r tle,
” “ Cleo,says, ‘Ma r k d id you eve r hea r
’25 “ What’l l we do ton igh t ? ”
’26 : “ Let’s go out to the cemete r y an d d i g up a
few gi r ls .
I thi nk the r e’s a hack i n you r r azo r
,
s trated the un fo r tunate cus tome r .“What the H— do you wan t ; a Packa r d ? ” rep l ied
the i ra teba rbe r as he wiped the r azo r on the cus
tomer’s clean vest .”— Leh-igh Burr .
r emon
I’ve got to do my pa r t , sa id the young fel l ow a s
he appl ied the Stacomb.
about these n i ne goose eggs 000000000‘No
,
’says
Ma r k .
‘We l l,
’say s C leo
,
‘they put them unde r agoose and some ha tched and some didn’
t and ofthose tha t hatched some had necks and some “
had
feet,l i ke th i s
,GOOD GOD GO .
’
“ Well,
”says I
,
“ whe r e ’
s the po i n t ? ” So I s tayeda r ound t i l l about 3 A . M.
,but My r tle d i dn t
pla i n the j oke .
The S I R E N
RUSHING
Sigma Omic ron Lambda had a mo r eth an succes s ful rush i ng season th i s
fa l l , of cou rse we had our usua l s ti ffcompet i t ion w i th th e Taus and th e
Kappa Eps . and a l though we h ate to
speak about abroth e r o rde r th e Taususe some r a th e r susp i c ious rush ingmethods ,but r igh t wi l l w in and th e
Taus on ly pledg ed s even o f our
rush ees .
We owe'
a lot o f g ra t i tude to B ro.
Muttlefish wh os e c leve r rush ing talkan d easy manne r s put th e pu rp le andblue pledge button on mos t of our
new pledges . B ro . Muttlefi sh i s wi th
us for one mo re yea r and h a sbeenone of our most p romi n en t men
,bei ng a membe r of th e A g . G lee Cluband th e p r es iden t of th e Ag ronomySoc iety.We tak e g r eat pleasur e i n i n t r o
ducing to all th e Si gma alumn i
twelve new pledges and on ly a casualg lance w i l l sh ow that the old S. O . L .
motto , “
Fam i ly and Wea lth D on ’
t
Coun t, h as been ca reful ly obse r ved .
Our mos t valuable pledge i s W i lbe rfo rce H e rman O
'
Coh an , a g raduate of
Pesquoix H i gh“
Sch ool wh e r e h e was
a membe r of th e tenn i s team and
p r es iden t of h i s clas s .
“
Smack , fo rso he h asbeen n i cknamed ,
w i l lbe out
i n footba ll tog s W i th i n th e week .
Soc rates B rogan sh on , who was won
away f rom th e Iotas ,i s our h an dsome
pledge ,
“
St inko , for so th eboys h avedubbed h im w i th typ ica l S. O . L . o r ig inali ty ,
w i ll sta r t out on h i s h ea r tbr eak ing ca r ee r next Thu r sday , wh enh e wi l l h ave h i s fi r s t da te at th e
A lpha house .
Th e oth e r ten men are A lf . Ma
ra z zbe r ry. Geo. Fi tzwok er , Ch r i sO
’
B ri en , Jesse Turtlesneak er , Si eg
f r ied Ma rtinn i , A lon zo Cornfinge r ,
Osca r Kneckblatter , Mon tmorcey
Clav iughouse-Smyth e ,
Hugh Fi tsmae ,
th e se names are fam i l iar“
to mos t ofus s i nce these men are allbroth e r sof fo rme r S. O . L .
’
s .
W i th such a fi ne a r r ay of new men
S. O . L . cannot h elpbut ma in ta i n i ts
r eputa tion as th e fi rs t f rate rn i ty on
th e campus .
Hal Ra i sen’
24 ,wh o wa s goi ng to
New Yo r k tobecome an acto r i s now
wo rk i ng on h i s fath e r ' s fa rm i n Musk
ra t , Iowa .
A NEW SONG
B ro. Snag infitz, our poet, and Bro .
O’
Snatch i e , our mus i ci an , h ave w r i tteen a new S. O L. song tobe sung
to the tune of Ma r yland , My Maryland "
PRESID ENT
Am i d g r eat ch ee r i ng B ro.xHo r ace
Sock in s , our pol i ti cian an d ladyk i lle r , was elected house p res i den t.
Th e coveted office wen t to Ho race al
mos t unam i ous ly and h e was wellpleased wi th th e h ono r . We do not
wi sh to lead anyone i n to bel iev i ngth at B ro . Sock in s d id n ot dese r ve th e
pos i tion ,i n fact h e was th e log i cal
man fo r th e job.D u r i ng h i s th ree yea rs wi th us B ro .
Sock ins h as h e ld many campus pos iti on s ; h e was th i rd a lte rna te on th e
Soph omo re Smok e r comm i ttee and
las t yea r he was Se rgean t a t A rms of
th e Jun io r Class . H i s sch ola r sh ip h asbeen excellent and h e h as attended a
r ecord numbe r o f so ro r i ty fo rma lsbes i des .
We feel th at Bro . Sock i ns i s the
man and we l l do we know th at h e wi l lbe r espected by th e unde r g raduatesi n th e house and adm i redby vi s i t inga lumn i .
We do not eulog i ze as a rule ,but i nth i s ins tance we would say w i th th e
poet“
A new leade r h as r i sen i n“
Is rael .A MASCOT
So th a t our new h ouse'
would not
lack for any o rnamen ta tion B r oth e rMuttlefi sh whose fathe r i s - h ead keep
er of th e Kokomo Z oo r etu r ned w i tha th ree -mon th s old monk ey wh ich th eboys immed i ate
'
ley adopted a s a mas
cot -and n amed Fel ix afte r Fe l ixSma ll-c rulle r wh o i s h onor ed and re
ve red as
'
one Of our founde r s .
S. O . L . MY S. O . L.
Oh h a i l th e pu rple an d th eblueL . My S. O . L .
We a lways sha l lbe eve r t rueS. O . L . My S. O . L.
A nd wh en our col legeth rough
We a lways sh al l r emembe r youUnt i l g r im death shal l pa r t us twoS O . L . My S. O . L.
days a re
RAH BROTHER O’SNATCHIE
B roth e r Rus s e l O’
Sna tch i e who
a i ded i n w r i ting our new song and
wh o i s r ega rded as a campus wi t andbon v i van t ce r tai n ly sh owed up a
couple of Ph i Ch i s th e oth e r day .
B r oth e r O’
Snatch i e was s tanding in
f r on t of th e Libra ry wh en the two
Ph i Ch i s came up . Of cou rse i t maybe found necessa ry to expla in that
th e Ph i Ch i s cons ide r th emselves th ec ream of th e campus ,but th ey real lya r en ’
t. Th ese Ph i Ch i s th i nk in g to
catch B r oth e r O ’
Snatch ie sa i d :“
Say Russ , wha t t ime i s i t ?”
Ten fifteen ,
"
cameback Russ wi thout a moment
’
s h es i tat ion .
Need le ss to say the Ph i Ch i s s lunkoff completely d i smayed by
,
Russ'
s
cleve r comeback .
ACTIVITIES
For any f ra te rn i ty tobe _we l l knownin campus c i rcles i t mus t have a
maximum numbe r of men in campus
a cti vi ti es , and S. O . L. always h as a
la rge numbe r ofbroth e r s out fo r th i sphase of campus l i fe .
Twe lve S. O . L .
’
s are out fo r fa l lfootbal l p ractice so th at i t look s as i f
th e team th i s yea r w i llbe comp lete lycomposed of men upon wh ose =bosomth e sh in i ng w r eath of Sigma Omic r onLambdabu rns w i th a fe r ven t h eat .
N inebr oth e r s a re out fo r man age r ’sjobs and th e p r ospects for S. O . L.
’
s
snag ing about s ix manage r ia l pos iti on s i s appa r ent on the su r face .
Sevenbr oth e r s are i n d i rect dange rof be ing campus publ ication ed i to r sand campus pol i ti cs wi l l res t i n the
hands o f Josh . Fi ddle and HoraceSock in s .
FRANCES : “ Y ou know, peop le sh ou ld ma r ry whenthey are congen i a l and l i ke the same th ings .
FRANCIS (who has jus tbeen rejected) :“We l l
then you and Geo rge ough t to h i t i t off,becauseyou li ke him and he ce r ta in ly li k es h imsel f .
FATH ER : “Wha t you wi sh to ma r ry my daugh te r ,you have no c l ien tele
,what cou ld you “of fe r her tha t
she hasn’t at h ome.
MED IC :“We l l er f r ee med i ca l a tten
The S I R EN
Poin t of Vi ew
Just recen t ly a f r iend of mi neA nn ounced h imse l f i n l ove .
A s ide f r om th i s he was a fine,
Ups ta nd ing ch ap,but n ow th i s s ign
Of abe r r a ti on ma rks the l i neOf softness up above .
D i v i ne,” I th i nk,the te rm he used :
Her ha i r‘
he ca l ls “spun gold .
”
Wh i le all theba r ds he ha s abusedAn d f r om thei r maste rpieces l oosedA th ousan d vague quotat i on s , fused
In to one tune,I
’m told .
Her vo i ce i s a s a s i l ve rbel l .“ A n ange l”— when she s i ngs .
She n eve r uses r ouge,but— wel l,
Si r Ha r r y’s
“ li ly'
i n the de l l”Can
’t
-
stand a ch an ce to hea r h im te l lOf her :
“ She lacksbut wi ngs .
I’m qui te fed up on all
. th i s rot .
Such as i n i n i tyGi ves me a min ; the r e’
s not a’
0t1
Of t ruth i n all he says . I’ll not
Bel ieve a wo rd . I’ll stand a l ot
ti on .
” But that’s too much fo r me .
To anyboobi n l ove I’ll g ran t
The r i gh t to speak fon d l y .
But of the k i nd i n all h i s r an tOf cou r se, the r e a r en ’
t— the re r ea l ly can ’t
Be mo r e than One ! I’m adaman t,A nd shebel ongs to me .
A n tidote
SorH :“ I saw a magi ci an swa l l ow a mouse.
FROSH :“ Gosh , d i dn ’t th ey have to get a docto r ? ”
SOPH :“ Oh n o
,he swa l l owed a ea t r igh t away
1 81 : M. D . :“ Hav i ng a la rge p r actice ? ”
2ND M. D . :“ About a hund r ed ga l l on s, and you ?”
1 3 1 ‘ M. D . :“ About the same numbe r of cases .
”
SISTER to hos i ery clerk) :“ How much are these
A G : “ You r si ste r was the on ly gi r l who kept g ray ones ? ”her seat las t ni gh t when that mouse ran ac r oss the CLERK :
“ Fi ve dol la r s and fi fty cen ts .
floo r .” SISTER :“ My,but they come awful ly h igh , don ’
t
ENG :“ Oh yes, she told me she had her old they ? ”
gar ters on .CLERK :
“ Y es,but you’re a ve ry ta l l gi r l .
The S I R E N
D oes on e n eed r ef er ences to stay at th i s hotel?” “
No,baggage .
[ 32 ]
H owThey D id ItA Mon ograph on IVonmn
It i s n i ne o’c l ock i n the mo r n i ng i n the yea rB . C .
,th e scene i s la i d i n Heaven
,i n the
office of Le Bon D i eu . A t a desk s i ts the p r i va tesec reta r y of Le Bon D i eu .
He en te r s and r emoves h i s f ur coat and h igh
hat .
LE BON D IEU :
G ood mo r n ing Mi ss Che rub, wha t do wedo today ?
MISS OHERUB :
Today we lay out the plan s fo r the c r eat i on of the wo r ld .
LE BON D IEU :
We l l of cou r se we have the ea r th all
c r ea ted,we d id tha t Monday
,but what are
we go i ng to put on i t now ?
MISS CHERUB
Oh we mus t mak e i t ve rybeauti ful fo rHer
,the re must be flowe r s and beaut i fu l
t r ees and sn ow capped moun ta i n s and She
wi l l wan t abr ook tobathe i n and to use as
a m i r r o r .LE BON D IEU :
\Vell we sha l l c rea te flowe r s and t rees and
sn ow capped moun tai n s and r i ve r s an d
ocean s . Wh a t else ?MISS CHERUB :
we l l , then we must have fi sh,because
She mus t have them to p lay wi th and keep
a r oun d the house. A n d we sh ould have furbea r i ng an ima l sbecause She wi l l wan t f urcoats . A nd of. cou r se
,the r e mus tbebeaut i
fulbi rds so She can use thei r feathe r s fo r herhats .
LE BON D IEU :
Y es,we sha l l have all k i nds of an ima l s
andbi r ds and fi sh . Wha t e lse ? Have we
forgotterr any th i ngMISS CHERUB : (giggling) :
W'
hy of cou r se, She wi l l have to have men .
Y es, yes, a man .
MISS CHERUB :
On ly one man,why n ot ten men ?
One man i s en ough fo r me to l ook afte r .MISS CHER-UR :
Oh,we l l . A n d we mus t have a Moon fo r
he wi l l make l ove to Her and i ts so roma n t icwhen the r e i s a Moon .
LE BON D IEU :
We sha l l make a Moon . W'
hy, we’ re
th r ough n ow,we have made t r ees and flowe r s
The S I R E N
I’Oppa u s ourbcoples ve l l to do ?
No mi ne son ,our hooples vas ha r d to do .
and sn owcapped moun ta i n s and an ima l s an d
fi sh_
a n dbi rds and a man and a Moon .
MISS CHERUB :
Oh,but you‘ve fo r gotten the most im
po r tan t th i ng .
LE BON D IEU :
A nd what'
s that ?
MISS CHERUB :
Why, a “ Ioni an !LE BON D IEU :
A nd wha t i s th at ?
MISS CH'
ERUB :
A “ fem -
ah l i ke me,why a ll of tha tbeaut i
ful scene r y an d all of the an ima ls wil lbeuse less wi th a “ Woman . A
‘
man would neve rapp r ecia te them . A nd i f you wan t the Wo r ldrun co r r ectl y and efficien t ly and i f you wan tthe man tobe h appy, why you must make a
“’0man .
LE BON D IEU :
Wel l,I guess I mus t then ,
but I’
ll haveto p r act icebecause I n eve r c reated a woman
befo r e .
MISS CI-IERUB ( sm i li ng)Oh pshaw,
\Vomen are easy to mak e .
The S I R E N
Books , Play s , Mus ic
B Y MLLE. l\IAL D E TERRE
I‘Jnrrou'
s NOTE : Mi le . Ma l de Torr e has beenh i redby the Si ren to keep i n touch wi th the out
s ide wor ld . She i s a di s t i ncti ve wri ter as well as
a pers on of culture. Young gen tlemen of goodparen tage a n d an eas ily sa t i sfied di spos i t i on maya rrange for da tes wit h Mlle. Mal dc Terreby n o ti fyi ng the Ed i tor a mon th i n advance.
Bon Jour Che r i es : Li sten dea r i es,I am go i ng
to make you t res cul tu ra l and I sha l l do th i s i nmany ways Las t mon th , you wi l l r eca l l that I ta lkedavec vous about deco rati ng you rbudoi rs, I h ope youfound my h i n ts mos t helpful and amusi ng . F r omtime to time I sha l l do la mene.
Thi s mon th I shall d i scuss B ooks and P lays, soles j ol i s a lumn i can get i n touch wi th i n tel li gen tth i ngs aga i n . We mus t l ook afte r the a lumn i ,dea r ies
,because they go out i n to thebig r ound
wo r ld and chasebeaucoup d’a rgen t and so even tua l
ly j o i n the Rota ry Clubandbecome t res low-br ow.
Chee r i o,SA D IE MAL de TERRE .
IVagoner, Once Agai n
Las t week my uncle who wo r ks on the I. C .
smuggled mebetween thebli nds and so Ihad a lovely t r ip to Ch icago . My uncle i s a ve ry r i ch man ,being a dea le r i n food s tuffs
,such as Ba r t lett Pea r s
and Calif o rn i a Basi ns and Candy, he i s se l ling theseon the t ra i n . The cops ran h im off a co r ne r i nCh i cagobecause he mi sp laced h i s li scense.
But anyway wh i le Iwas i n Ch icago I saw a p layby Wagone r a Ge rman song wr i ter . They di dn’t
have any ch o r us,but the new musi ca l i ns t rumen t,
a dogi na, was i n t r oduced f r om t he s tage and i t
p layed fo r the wh ole show.
The p l o t of the p lay i s thi s“ Strummle the son of B ramberg i s i n l ove wi th
Gorsh i na a fai ry . So Orsfitz gets on the Magic
Ho r se and ga llops to the moun ta i n s of Ilkwaldwhe re the two gn omes D onne r an d B l i tzen keep thefa i r Li nk in a a p r i soner . Upon learn i ng of th i sMa r y and Jack deci de to get ma r r i ed and so Apfeld
k i l ls Raschen .
In the secon d act,Umli zt d r i nks the poten t and
finds h imse l f i n Rausch whe r e Cr imehauser has a
l oom . The a rmy of the Z umly a r r i ves and Sc r o ff i st ied to a wi ld h o r se. Comi ng to the A ust r i anbo rde rU l r i ch as tonds eve r yoneby h i s abi l i ty to tu r n i h
s i de out,whe reupon Her tzmeyer ann oun ces that
Ibli ng i s the fathe r of tr iplets and the p lay i s
ended .
A B ook for Old Ladi es'
G r andma Cuts Her Eye Teeth,”by E . P. D oe.
I’m so r ry the r e was no art to di scuss
,but out
s i de of the sheep-ba r n s n oth i ng elabo ra te was
pa i n ted th i s mon th .
"
Say , Shouldn’
t Ibe in th is P icture?
A pa r t of an adve r ti semen t i n a r ecen t i ssue ofthe Satu rday E ven i ng Pos t, expound ing the me r i tsof a w. k . make of pi an o, r eads as fo l l ows :
“ The fathe r of Handel the compose r , was a
ba rbe r who p r acti ced su rge r y .
Times haven ’t changed so much after all.\
Mos tof ourba rbe r s today are s ti l l the old cut-ups .
McScrotchey P r ess, Two Bucks .
Lots of w r i te r s are now tu r n i ng out l i te r atu refo r adolescen t grandma s ‘
and say do the old peopleen j oy them we l l you don ’
t kn ow ha l f of i t(lea r ie .
Th i sbook i s about an old lady e igh ty -n i ne yea r so ld wh ose pu r i tan ica l son wou ldn ’t let her run
a r ound to dan ces and smoke ci ga r ettes o r evend r ink . So she had tobe con tended wi th r eadi ngabout th i ngs . One day an old rag pedd le r who wasr ea l ly a mi l l i ona i re in d i sgui se came to the doo r andhe and the old lady fel l i n l ove .
They exchanged l ove lette r s and fina l ly decidedto e l ope. They we re i n te r rupted i n “thei r e l opemen tby the sudden appea r ance of the old lady’
s st r i ctson and he and the old man fough t . The son i s
about to k i l l the old man,when the old
' lady sneakedupbehi nd h im and c rashed h im wi th someth i ngdul l .
A nd then the old mi l l i on a i r e and the old ladywen t to Mon te Ca r l o fo r a h oneymoon ,
but the old
mi l l i ona i r e could not lea r n to dance the tango, so
the old lady was so d i sgusted tha t she was fo r cedto sh oo t h im. In the end she ma r r i es the old D uke
of Hor tsvi lle and they have th r ee l ovely ch i ld ren ,who let them do anyth i ng they wan t to do .
The S I R E N
Vois or Woz'
se
To a Cer ta in Theta
Fa i n would I make a song to you,
A l i lt i ng song,A nd put i n to i t all the que r i es vague
Tha t must occu r to youConce r n i ng me —me
,too
,
Conce r n i ng you — a pleasan t , wh o lesome p lagueOf curiosi tv .
A t r i ppi ng, simple song fo r you.
’Twould sk ip a l ong,Nor sayi ng th i s nor that of you— or me
,
But i nn ocen t ’twold s i ng,
A s l igh t, amus i ng th i ng,Of you as Iwould fancy you tobe,
A nd you r i l lus i on , Me .
Culinary Epic
A t ca r r ots I will '
never sh i rk,
A nd spi nach I can guzz le,Though ea ti ng pa r sn i ps i s a wo rkI’d ra the r ’
scape—wi th one qui ck je r k
I can But I’ve one funn y qui rk
Whi ch g i ves me qui te a tus s le .
(The ve ry th ough t eke makes me g r ow qui te pa l l id ,Of wi ene r s ( f r ied ( an d hot po tato sa lad . )
A spa ragus i s qui te a task,But _I can usua l ly eat i t .
A nd— uh— l i ve r ? ”you pol i te l y ask .
In l i ve r ’sbeami ng smi le IbaskWi th g r eates t j oy . But suffe r ing’
s mask
I take— J ne’e r canbeat i t :
That l oa th some di sh of wh ich no c la ims are va l id ,Of wiene r s ( f r ied ) and hot pota to sa lad .
A nd g rapef rui t ( th ough abugbea r yet )Is not a l oath some c r i tte r .
A t ol i ves I no l onge r f ret,And now at last I can fo rgetThe t r ia l s of ‘maple moussc
’. I
’llbet
I’d eatbanan a f r i tte r .
But s ti l l I’ll cu r se that d i sh i n song andba l ladOf Wi ene r s ( f r ied ) and hot potato sa lad .
[ 35 ]
The Sn ake
It’
s G od that on l y kn owsWhe r e the hel l he eve r goe s
A fte r da rk .
But he’
sback a tbr eak of dav :If you ask h im
,h e wi l l say '
On a. la rk .
”
He can n otbut r ef r a i nA lways gi v i ng me a pa i n
In the neck .
He th i nks that he i s fas tBut I kn ow he
’l lbe at las tJus t a w reck .
He th i nks a guy i s s l owIf he does not ca re to go
On a stew.
He h as such a n asty l ineTha t I'
d l ike tobr eak h i s spi ne
Ri gh t i n two .
If I sh ould get tobeSuch a wo r th less sap as he
Iwi sh you
Wou ld take h old of me some t imeA ndbeat and ki ck me t i l I’m
B lack an dblue .
B i rdi es
We,
we r e,pa r ked
A nd i t was a clea r n i gh tA nd the sta r s we re ve r ybr igh t,So I sa i d
,
“My dea r , the s ta r sA re l i tt le Cana r ybi r dsA nd they are s i ng ing
You r name to me .
A nd I sh a l l keep tha t songIn my hea r t .
She l ooked up
Li ke she wan ted to he ki ssed
A nd sa i d,
“ Check tha t l i ne,O rmon d
Y ou kn ow tha t my old man
Keeps abi r d s to r e .
”
But I di dn ’t .
The S I R E N
A var ice'
Mztst Take Its Toll
The above d rawi ngby OUR ARTIST i ndi cates
jus t what i s RUINING AMERICA ’S YOUNG
PEOPLE and when we say Ame r i ca ’s young: people
we mean that gene r a ti on ,wh i ch wi l l soone r o r late r
con t r o l the D ESTINIES of the LAND .
In the a i r you wi l l see an a i r -sh ip wh i ch OUR
ARTIST has named the MIND and i t i s paten t lyTRUE that the m inds of the younge r gene r at ion are
too FLIGHTY ; they th i nk of n oth i ngbut GOODTIMES such as chu r ch soci a ls
,amateu r theatr-i cals ,
p icn i cs and cr oquet . They have l os t the spi r i tua lsen se of thei r FATHERS and they are s l owl y d r i fti ng down the PATH OF EVIL wh i ch OUR
ARTIST has i n di cated on the left .
On the r igh t you wi l l see THE COURAGEOUS
YOUTH who i s avo id ing the w i les of EVIL and
who i s making h i s way ove r the na r r ow,s toney
t r a i l of SERIOUS THOUGHT that wi l l even tua l lylead to SUCCESS and FAME .
B ut the r e are obs tacles IN the way of t ruespi r i tua l success , these OUR ARTIST has repre
sen ted i n ONSLAUGHT the fa i r y h i d i ng i n the
clump of da ffod i lsby thebook’s edge ; in l i ke man
n er the re i s MOVING PICTURE SHOWS repre
sen tedbv the c r ouched lien ,v i sible on the othe r s ide
of the fi r t r ee label led D ISAPPOINTMENT whi chi s to the ri gh t of the CASTLE OF REPEATE D
WRONGS. These the youth who a ims h igh mustfigh t for fin a l VICTORY. A nd i f he i s successfulVIC-TORY wi llbe h i s . For as the lea r ned D r .
F r ank C rane sa i d,
“ The re i s an_end to everythi ng .
”
A nd D octo r F r ank i s one of THOSE men who
vanqui shed ONSLAUGHT and D ISAPPOINT
MENT and REPEATED IVRONGS and has foundv icto r y and success as h i s r ewa rd fo r HARDWORK (n ex t to the savage label led “ 500
” PLAYING ) and abr i l l i an t pen .
If eve r y youth i n Ame r i ca could on ly see the
lesson taugh tby th i s d r awi ng: of ~ OUR ARTIST
and mo r eove r i f eve ry youth of Ame r i ca wouldlea r n the lesson and cease th i s l igh t l i v i ng and th ist r i fl i ng away of those ea r lybut va luable yea r s ofh i s l i fe .
Such ha lcyon days as we would have. An d
then OUR ARTIST would not. have to d raw thesed r awi ngs any mo re and IVE
,the E D ITORS
,would
not have to i n te rp ret them fo r OUR reade r s and
OUR ARTIST would be CONTENTED and so
would WE an d WE kn ow tha t OUR reade r s wouldbe CONTENTED l ikewi se .
[ 36 ]
The S I R E Nn —HI|—M —n lu —m—nu—|fl|—Im—n - M_|m
That were
Styled in London
and are go ingbig on
the campus .
G et your s now for the
Homecom ingG ame .
cou rse CLOmé‘S
m—m Ulla—ml— lm— mI— lm—ml— Illl— l ll l— Iln— Illl— lllI—,llIl— IIII— ll ll— IIIl—NI—III
REBUKED
LARGE LAD Y (beamingly) : “ Cou ld I have a seatnea r the s tage, p lease ? ”
Box OFFICE ( surveyi ngly)“Why ce r ta i n ly .
Wha t row do you wan t ? ”FAT LAD Y ( i nd ignan tly)
“ D on’t get f r esh , youngman I”— Leh igh Bur
-
r .
— Iowci Fr i vol.
D OCTOR :“ Have ydu taken eve r y p r ecauti on to
p reven t sp r ead of con tagi on i n the fami ly ?”RASTUS : “ Abs -lutely, doctar , we
’ve ebenbough ta san i ta r y cup an
’ we all d r ink f r om i t .
” —D rewerd .
SHE : “ I see i n the pape r that th ree pe r son s we r eki l led i n a feud .
”
HE :“ Th ose l i tt le cheap ca r s are dange r ous .
— Georgia Yellow Jacket.
[ 38 ]
A s tudentbr ought h i s mo the r to the un i ve r si tyand was sh owi ng her about . The dea r old ladywas an x i ous to make herboy th i nk tha t she unde rstood eve r y th i ng
“ Ove r the re, mothe r sai d the son,
are our
wonde r ful pol o fields .
“ A h,
”s ighed the old lady
,
‘
“ wh at i s the r e thati s n i ce r than a field of wav i ng pol o ‘7”
The S I R E N
[ 39 ]
The S I R E Nu— nfl— m—m—Jll—u —|u|— i ll| — l II— III— IllI— 'II — n|| — N|l— |l l l
omecomers
we’
re gladto see you back
Pitzenbarger FlynnCampus Ta ilors
(31 2 East G r een
Um _ 'lh l
u — :l lI— ZIII— Ill— JlI— flII— l lll—w—Ll ll— i __fln
“
It D ependsUpon Your Type
Jerrems ta i lo r s cloth es fo r gen tlemen wh o de
man d th a t th e i r cloth es r eflect th e i r i nd i v i dua l i ty .
Th i s i s on ly pos s ible th r ough that pa i n stak i n gca r e wh i ch mak es a fine a rt o f ta i lo r i ng .
Th e n ew colo r s a re. London Lavender , Tuscan G r ay, W i n dso r B lue .
A n d as usua l Jerrems i s now sh owi ng a comp lete asso r tmen t Of all th e
auth en t i c fabr i cs .
Un usua l va lues a t
$60 $65 $75 and upJer rems made-to-o r de r and En g l i sh Burber l‘
y
an d Joseph Mays r eady—to-wea r ove r coa ts .
A N D SPO RT CLO THES
324 SOUTH MICHIGAN AVE .
71 E a s t Mon roe St . 7 No r th La sa lle St .
EXPERIENCE D
Pri on :“ Wha t h appen ed i n 1 854
STU D E : “ I don ’t kn ow,s i r .
Pri on :“ We l l
,whe r e sh ould. you go when you
wan t to fi nd a date
STUBE I “ TO the libr a r y .
— 2\Tor thwcs ter n Purple Parr o t.
IN THE MONKEY HOUSELITTLE BOY :
“ Look ma —the re’s aboome r ang !”
MOTH ER :“Tha t’s no boome r ang— that
’s abamboo .”— B rown Jug .
CONVICT : “Why the downcas t l ook ? ”
WARD EN :“ I put my wi fe un de r a peacebond and
she’
s sc r appi ng yet .
”
CONIVCT :“ Tha t a i n ’t n oth i n ’
. Ibough t a l ibe r tybon d and I’m s ti l l he r e.
” — B os ton B eanpot.
A ll— IIII—y — u|| — u||— l|n
Pr ivate D i n ing Room for
Banquets and Par ti es
Conven ien ce— Com for t
Refinemen t
Wh e r e Y ou Fee l at Home
G . W . Byers A . D an i elsonIIl— llll— Illl— l l l l— l l l l— l l ll— l l l l — Illl—|III—‘ Ill'l — IIII— l l l l — I|ll— l l l l— lln —u
CAUGHT HIM TOO
SOLICI'
I‘
IOUS NEIGH BOR : “ A nd whe re i s tha t‘boyof you r s ? ”
TO'
l‘
I-IER ONE : “ He’
sbeen i n Ha r va r d th ree yea r sn ow .
”
-S. N “TOObad . Mybr othe r ’sboy tu rned out
the same way . They got h im i n Leavenwo r th .
— W'
es t Vi rgi n i a Moon sh i n e.
IT’S OFTEN THE CA SE
HARRY : “ I l ove you —I
HARRIET :“ Oh Ha r r y you don ’
t r ea l ly l ove me .
You’r e i n love wi th l ove .
”
HARRY : “ The r e’
s whe re you’r e w r ong .
l ove wi th l ov i ng .
”— Colga te B an ter .
I'
m i n
D ENTIST : “ Pa rdon 1 11 0,Mi ss
,just a momen t
,I
must have a d r i l l .”PATIENT LEs s PATIENT :
“ For heaven ’s sake
,can
’tI have my tooth fi l led wi th out a r ehea r sa l ? ”
MOTH ER: “ Y es
,dea r
,you r fa the r and I fi r s t met
a t a dance .
BOY :“ Oh
,that
’s why he
’s a lways te l l i ng me
to keep away f r om dance ha l ls .
”— Ch i ca (/o Phoen ix.
FRESI-IMAN :“ Two mi lk shakes .
FRESH MAN ( la ter)“ Change mi ne to a limeade .
CLERK :“Wha t do you th i nk th i s i s ? A s le i gh t
Of -hand -sh ow —Mi n k .
I‘ll— I’ll—IIIl—HII—Illl—|Ill—|Iu— l l l l_IlIl- Illl -nu—|1II— l l l l— IIIl— IIII— l|l l Illl
ILLINI and WRIGHT
SWEET SHOPS
Z ipp Serv ice
D e l ici ous , sa t i s fy i ng lunchesequa l i n qua l i ty to our famoushdalts .
Noon
Pla te Lunch , 250
Si x o’clock din ne r wi th mus ic .
Qua l i ty h igh , p r ices r ig/h t
Wr ight Sweet Shop6 1 2 South W r igh t St r eet
The S I R E N
h asbeen a leade r i n th e pas t , i s a leade r now an d w i l lbea leade r i n th e futu r e .
Steady p r og r ess an d deve lopmen t h ave made i ts pos i t ionsup r eme .
That i s wh y th e ma jo r i ty of our Old Hampsh i r e f r i en dsonce i n t r oduced to Old Hamps h i r e Statione r y, w i l l usen o oth e r . Th ey k now Old Hampsh i r e mean s pe r fection .
Sold pla i n an d ( li e s tamped a t
B . A . STRAUCH STU D ENT SUPPLY STOREU of I SUPPLY STORE
FINE D EPARTMENTHAMPSH IRE PAPER COMPANY So. Had ley Falls , Mass .
Il —u|| — nu— "n
Make Spald ing’
s
D rug Store
Your Meet ing Place
H omecom ing, O ctober 1 7-18
Green Street PharmacyB . E . SPALD ING, Own e r
A t th e Co r ne r o f G reen an d Si x th St r eets
The S I R E N
You’
ll find the cultured I
a tmosphere tha t pleasesthe Un iver si ty man and l
n—m—n—ml—u—utp
women at
The
Green Tea Pot
Mus ic
6 1 7 E . GREEN
me out o
WHOOP ! 1Ras tus , d id you eve r h ave you r
ton s i ls out ?”
On ly wh en ah laffs , suh
— Ep i s tax is .
S
Ira te Cus tome r : “
Th i sba th ing sui t
you sold me i s a w retch ed th ing . I
wa s on ly i n th e wa te r five m inutes
and i t s h runk fou r i nch es ! ”Mode s t Cle rk : “
Gosh , lad y ! It'
s a
good th i ng you came out wh en you
d id !”— Gobl i n .
S
Thug ( en te ri ng d i ve ) :th e cl in ic o f g las s es ?youbold i n ’
out on me ?"
Yegg : “
D on ’
t get ne r vous , Pa rd ,
tha t’
s on ly Li z z ie r oll ing h er eyes at
some poo r devi l . — Ski -U -Mah .
S
STRICTLY BUSINESSSwee t Youn g Th in g : “
I th in k you’r esobi g and s t r ong and h andsome .
"
'
Ha rdened Wabash er : “ What d’
ya
wan t th i s t ime— c i ga r ette , d r ink , o rp in — Caveman .
D on ’
t I hea rSay , k id , are
S
PROF. ( to s tuden t en te r i ng la te ) :
Wh en we r e youbo r n ? ”
STUD E :“Ap r i l s econ d .
PROF. : Late aga in.
"
eaten pa
After the theatre or the dance , why not slip over
to The Apollo'
for refreshmen ts or light lun ch?
The re you wi l l en j oy a qu i et ha l f h ou r o r so of del ici ous foun ta i n da i n t ieso r an appet i z i ng lunch ami d c lean and plea san t su r r ound i ngs wi th p r ompt1 nd cou r teous se r v i ce .
you w i ll c ome of ten .
Y ou wi l l see you r f r ien ds the re too . Com0 onon a nd
THE APOLLO CONFECTIONERY1 3 2 “ 7
es t Ma i n St r eet, U rbanaTwin, C i ty Ice Cr eam. Compa ny
’s ll
’
ell K nown Ino Cream
The S I R E N
A D APTATION
A ndy : Wh at i s i t th a t sme lls so in
Sayour rese r ve l ibra ry ? ”
Mandy : It mus tbe the ch emi ca lsthat the ph a rmacy studen ts are m ix
BARBECUE i ng i n th ebasemen t .
A ndy ; Nope . It’
s on ly th e dead.
l h'b
SANDWITCH egg:S
ONE OF LAMB ’
S TALES
It'
s sad , sa id th e sen t imen ta llandlady at th e table , to th i nk th i s 3 036 Cand i espoo r l i t tle lambsh ouldbe s laugh te r ed and C igar ettesi n th e flowe r of i ts youth just to sat
i s fy our appe ti ti es .
“
Y es , ag reed th e cyn ica lboa rde r ,i t i s tough .
" — Ca r petbagge r .
Y ou may go as far as you l ike ,
s h e sa i d softly.SO th ey d rove on five m i les fa r the rbe t-ore s ta r ti ngback h ome .
—Lo rd Jeff.S
607 SOUTH “ Imam . Ed i to r : A re you su re th at th i s h asneve r appea red i n p r i n t ? ”
Jus t O]?t
Of G’I'
CC'M St rugg li ng Autho r : “
Oh , th ank you,
s i r.
”— Pu rple Pa r rot .
U O F I S U PP L Y ST O RE A LW A Y S O N TH E S Q U A RE
me es in
—but it is no joke nor is it funny to get your
books and papers wet . Buy one of our BR IEFCASES — at
and ca r r y them i n ease. and sa fety .
WRIGHT GREEN
[ 43 ]
I
*fl—W—I~—MM—lm—fll—Illl—IIII—lll—Illl—lll—IlIl—IlIl—IIII—Illl—Ill—Im—Ill_llll—u—tfl—lll—M—W—lll—llu—|m—u
— Amateur
Merchants
D r op i n th i s week and
l ook ove r our l ine .
The on ly exc lus i vej obbe r on the campus .
“ Te ca te r to f rate r n i tyHouse Sto res .
Noble Candy CO .
Co r ne r of G reen and Fou r thCol lege Ha l l Champa ign
The S I R E NI 1 1 1 l l l l l l l l l l l i
ome
omecomers
Make our storey our headquarters
Furn i tur e and house furn i sh i ngs , p i a n o s radios ,
Radiolas , Brunsw ick Phonogr aphs and r ecords .
G . W. LAWRENCE1 1 2 “ 7
. Ma i n St . U rban aa]:
m—Int—nu—nc—nu—Im—un
-lm—m—nu—u—m—n—u—u—n—I—u—u—u—u—u—n—n—n—u—U—l
|ll| _ l lll— m| _ lul _lln _Im— ll"— |m
omecomers
Take Home a
Two Poun d BoxOf Kennedy’
s
BUTTER CREAMS
MILK CHOCOLA TES
D IPPED NUTS
605 Eas t G reen St reet,Champa i gn
— m— l —u— l.— m— u —u—m—m —|l
GOING,GOING
,GONE !
A n ancien t ca r chugged pa i n ful ly up to the ga tea t the r aces . The ga te
-keepe r demand ing the usua lI'
ve fo r automobi les,ca l led :
A dolla r fo r the car .
”
The owne r l ooked up wi th a pa thet ic sm i le ofr e l ief and sa i d :
“sold .
”
’26 : “ How much i s 1 2 t imes’27 : ( somewha t cagey) 1 68. Can ’
t you do that ? ”
’26 : “ Ce r ta in ly i n t ime,but foo ls mul t ip ly rapi d
ly .
”— Jl[ i ddlebury Blue B aboon .
PIANO TUNER ( to li ttleboy a t door) “ Son,have
you any mus i ca l i n st rumen ts tha t need tun i ng ? ”
BOY :“ Naw
,but maybe my s i s te r ’sbean wi l l let
you tune h im. Ma sed he wasn ’t h igh toned ’
nuff fo rus .
”— B os ton B ea npot.
TEACH ER :“ Who can g i ve me. a sen tence us i ng
the wo r d fundamen ta l ? ”
IK EY : “ My s i s te r wen t out h o r seback r id i ng and
when she came h ome fo r lunch he had to eat fundamen tal.
”— B r own Jug.
ll— lll l - ll l l_|l l l —|lIl— ll||— l l l l l l l l—I|Il—|Ill__ll l l Illl— lm—IUI—Ifl l — m|— |m
G et y our
Souven i rs
A. G. KIRMSEUn i ver si ty J eweler
Wa tch”on G reen St reet a t
6 1 4 East G r eenThe “ B ig
Letter Openers
Book Markers
Sh ields
R ings
P ins
The S I R E N
A PUN,MY WORD
,A PUN
,MY WORD
EPSOM :“W
'
hen las t I hea r d Of Jack h e wa s
fo rgi ng h i s way to success .
SAULTs : “ Y es ,but did you hea r whe re he i s now
— down a t Jo l iet .
E p som :“Wel l , I’
llbe _l ues s the auth o r i t iesmus t havebeen checqn i ng
- up on h im .
”
We n ot ice i n th i s semes te r ’s schedule Of classes ,
tha t Vulga r La t in i s among the cou r ses l i sted .
“' on de r i f tha t’
s jus t a h igh -ha t name fo r wha t weused to ca l l Pig -La ti n . Pe r haps i t migh t th r owsome l ight on the wheeze Old A n thony sp rung on
Cleo .
S :“ I n otice i n the pape r tha t a s tuden t was
a r r ested fo r attempt i ng to p r act ice D r . Cone’
s doc
t r i nes on the south campus .
( L :“Wha t
,just fo r pa r k i ng ? ”
S. :“ No
,auto - suggesti on ”
.
A th in gi r l neve r wi shes tobe fat,but she jus twi shes she had some of the f at g i r l’s flesh i n cer
ta i n p laces .
If the good di e young a l o t Of Old people ough ttobe tempo ra r i ly emba r assed .
[1 —w —n - m—ml —m_ml— lm —m—m
uns astry
Wholesale or Reta il
We ser ve th e s tuden t trade
The Perfect Bakery
1 1 4 W. Ma in St . Urbana ,1 11
Phone 7- 381 7
The'
S IREN
LE SEURE BROS .
01 13 Eas t G r een St r eet
The S I R E Nlll—M— M— HII— Illl— ull — Iln— \IIJ— llll— NI__IIl—IllI— lm— l ll l— lm—Illl —Ifi*
0
omet
tationery
5
A beaut i ful shee t of Wh i t i ngand Cook Sta ti on e r y ; d ie
s tamped w i th a pi cto r ia l (lie
showi ng a Un i ve r s i ty of Il l in o i s Campus scene .
We a re Oli er i ng many othe ra tt ractive th i ngs i n Illi n o i s
sta t im i cry and un stampeds tyles .
STRAUCH"
SAdj o i n ing the Campus a t 625 South W r igh tSt reet and
,1 2 1 Wes t Ma i n St r eet, U rbana Ma in 406
llll-Illl—Illl—III—llll—fll-MI
_M-ml—lfll—M—IIII—IU—lm-fin—W—nu—ln-m—m—ln—Ill—UI—l'll—III—fl—fl—l
— IllI— ml—KII— llll_ llfl—lll— M— l l'l—I'll—HII- M- W—IllI— fl — lu—m— N—H*q.
I I j I I I I I I I I I I I I l I I
n —III|_ _ml—“ll—"ll —Illl—fln— nll— l l l l_ l l l l—“ll—nll—mI— "Il — l l l l—Im_ —I'll — n d u—uh—m—w—m—u"
The Krest, gold plated pen cil, checkered
des ign , w ith good“
strong clips . A regular
penc ilwh ile they last atS9C each . Th is is a close
out and cannotbe duplicated . Get yours today .
URBANA
We Lead i n Every Lin e We Car ry
—ll—n_ —M — n: — m—m—nfl— l—IM— lm—ufi—ml—“n—IK—m—lfl—ml— nu —m|c —u'|— m|—|ll - m_ llu —m—m —m— l ll—M—u
[ 43 ]
Thi s ach ievemen t has beenmade poss ibleby en ginee r s of
the Illum in at i ng En ginee r ingLabo rato r i es o f th e G ene ralE lect r ic C ompany , wo r k i n gwi th ofi cials of th e Post O fficeD e p a r t m e n t . A s t a r t l i n gach i evement now wi ll be a
commonplace of li fe in the newAme ri ca whi ch you wi ll in heri t .
If you are in te rested to learn
mo re about what e lectri city i sdoing , wri te for Rep r int No.
AR391 con tain in g a completeset o f these advert i semen t s.
B e tw een C lev ela n d a n d Rock
Spr ings , W yo. , along th e n igh t
route of th e a ir mail serv ice, tall
beacon s h avebeen placed every
twen ty-nve m iles .
Revolv ing on great s teel towers ,
G eneral Electr ic search ligh ts , to
taling candle-
power,
blaze a path of ligh t for th e air
plan e p ilot.
W h at th e ligh thouse is to th e ocean
nav igator, th esebeacon s are to theconquerors of th e a ir.
95-9100“
G E N E R A L E L E C T R I C C O M P A N Y S C H E N E C T A D Y . N E W Y O R K.
II IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
J A ” D A / f.
ll/ l
pproac orma eason
OU w ill look forw ard w i th a great deal more pleasure to
the com ing form a l par ties i t you are pr epared w i th the
corr ec t apparel and accessor i es . Y ou w i ll enjoy the afia i rs
more in know ing tha t you are properly and smar tly a tt i red.
H er e i s a men’
s Shop wh ich i s splend idly equipped to help y ou
w i th the n ecessary deta ils .
6 1 1 East G r een St r eet
The S I R E N
it’
s tobe done r ight
it shouldbe done at
I'
QSQQ l’
OS.
Clean ing, Ta ilor i ng, Press i ng
Phone 1 087 518E . G r een
COURTS AND COURTING
Ha r y says h i s f ra te r n i ty r i ng i s one of the mos texpen s i ve i n the coun t r y .
”
“Why does he t h i nk that ?”'
Because i t has d r agged h im th r ough fi vebr eachof p r omi se sui ts .
”— Oh i o Sun D i a l.
Ther e was a young lady from Er oler
So fa ir tha t the boys cra ned thei r
uecks -a t-her
But her husban d s tayed n ea r
Keeping wa tch , so I fear
Tha t n o one could ecer get rleieeter .
-Amher s t Lord J eff .
24 (wi th tor toi se s hells) :“ Stati st ics sh ow tha t
the ey es i gh t ofboys i s supe r i o r to that of g i r ls .
" 6 :“ Y eh ! I kn ow . I fel l fo r a gi r l las t summe r
who can’
t see me at all.
”— Mi cldlebury B lue B aboon .
hlA ltY Z“ Jack h as the mos t ch a rming way of
p r epos ing Iha ve eve r hea r d .
”
A M i E,AN N
, LUC i LLn and RUTH ( i n chorus) :Hasn
’t he thgugh j
’f‘
L—B lack and B lue Jay .
A Chocolate D rop
OLD LAD Y :“ But why do you use such obscene
language
RUSSIAN Kn) : “ Iwasbo r n nea r the mouth of theVolga .
”— B arnard Lampoon .
What hasbecome of the old - fash i on ed gi r l whoused to stay h ome n i gh ts an d kn i t socks ? ”
She’s p r obabl y out dan ci ng wi th the man who
used to s i t h ome r eadi ng the newspape r s .
A. gen tleman farmer, every i nch
Is Huber t Harr i son Lush
Even ing clothes on h i s scar ecr owsH e r equ i res each day a t dusk .
—Iowa Fr ivol.
Gee,i t’s hot .
vestBut you don ’t have to wea r you r ves t .Oh
, yes , I do. It’s the seat of my pan ts .
— Penn .
'
Sta te Froth .
Wi sh I d i d’n t have to wea r my
.The S I R E N
ur vert i sersPatron ize them
Back Cove r
In s ide Fron t 'Cove r
In s ide Back Cove r
[ 3 ]
The S I R E N
[ 4 ]
Ma r y had been wa lk ing h ome from so manyautomobi le r ides that her mothe r at last deci ded togi ve her a r oad map fo r abi r thday p r esen t .
— Oklahoma Wh i r lw in d .
SOCIETY D AME :“ A nd wha t ki nd of a dog i s that ,
my l i tt le man ?”
URCH IN :“ Pleaze
,ma’
am,he
’s a c r oss ’
tween a
cur and a. mong r e l . ”— Harr ard Lampoon .
The l ong ski r t i s i n the wane i n Pa r i s . It’s
ch i efly on thebow- legged i n Ameri ca .
—Lehigh Burr .
The o ffice sh ould seek th e man , you kn ow .
“ Y es, that’s all r i gh t ,” r epl i ed the can d i da te,
But I gave i t plen ty of t ime an d i t seemed tobebash ful . ”— D e
'
n,i son Flam i ngo .
A n e lde r l y lady c l imbi ng on one of our l oca lva r ie ty of st ree t ca r s
,handed the conducto r a
t ran sfe r ." ‘Th i s i s two days old ,
” h e g r ow led .
“ I’vebeen wa i t i ng pat ien t ly,” she mu rmu r ed .
—Min esota Sk i -U -Mah .
Jus tbecause the g i r ls laugh at you r r ema r ks i sno p r oof that you’re wi tty . Pe r haps they havep r et ty teeth .
”— D enr er Par raheer .
Pr ivate D in ing Room for
Banquets and Par ti es
Conv en ience— Comfor t
Refinemen t
Wh e r e Y ou Feel a t Home
G W . Byers A . D an ielson
The S I R E N
re a re to
They will tell you it is as much like a clubasa shOp
— ah attractive comfortable placewith areal
“
clubby feel ing, instead of the usual ColdCommercial ism.
”Come in and get acqua in ted .
Illus tra ted a d inner sui tdes igned forUn i vers i tymenMod ified Eng lish lines g ivei t an
"
a i r"
of d is ti nction .
$45 to $75
$45 to $ 1 10
He rm an , Man d i s B o g i n C o .
Ent i r e Fi fth Floo r— 28 E . Jacks on B ou le va r dCo r n e r Jacks on a n d W aba s h— CHICA G O
— Ask the men whobuyclothes at the Herman
,Man
dis Bogin shop. Theywi l ltell you they not on ly l ikethe clothes they get herebuta l so l i ke theshop itself, andth e men who
own and run it.
They will tell you
that i t is a pleasure
to com e i n an d“browse around,and see what the
new things are
without having anyone make them feel
theymustbuy something.
The S I R E N
COLLEGE HALL
THE PLACE
TO D ANCE
— B i son .
Someon e on ce sa i d that two
607 SOUTH WRIGHT heads we r ebette r than one . The
Jus t Ufi Of Greensource Of that remark ev i den t ly B i l l D onahue’
s O r ches t raneve r atten ded a Moti on Pi ctu r eshow.
— C’ornell Wi dow.
U O F I SU P P L Y S T O RE A LW A Y S O N TH E S Q U A RE
r1s mas isA nd I
’
ll do my shoppi ng today , today
VVi th the adven t of th e Ch r i stmas season the U n i ve r s i ty populat i on tu r n s to the Co -opSto re to solve the gi ft p r oblem . Nowhe r e e l se wi l l y ou f ind so la rge and wel l se lected an
a r r ay of app r op r ia te p r esen ts .
The Co-op G i ft Sh op i s sup reme fo r Pi ctu res , G lass Wa r e,Vases
,Beauti f ul .E tch i ngs,
P r i n ts,Brass and Coppe r Wa r e .
The sh owi ng i s too la rge to adve r ti sebu t n o one eve r fa i led to fi nd someth i ng sui tablef or one’
s needs .
The_B ook D epa r tmen t, as usua l
,has a s plend i d se lecti on of the wo r ld’
sbes tbooks .
The Kodak D epa r tmen t can supp ly you w i th the mos t popu la r Kodak s, Sc r ap and Vi ewbooks .
The A th letic D epa r tmen t has the g i ft fo r youngbr othe r— Footba l ls,Ba sketba l ls
,Baseba l ls
,B a ts
,( l le ves , etc .
For Illin o is Jewelry and Station ery we ar e not excelled
\VRIGHT GREEN
'
l‘
l-IOSE BLAME D FOUNTAINS
Some people ’NYbs lbth e ir facesEach mor n i ng i n: the si r-
t ic;
I nse a d r i n k ing foun ta inn d do i t wh i le I d r i nk .
-Nm-
tln r cs tcr n Purple Par r o t .
S
HA s 'rn :“ Tha t wa s some w r eck
up the s t reet —a man i n a. r eve r ieran i n to a woman i n a. tan t rum !”
“ So ? A nd we r e. the ma
ch inesbad ly w recked ? ”
S
SID E : “W'
a i t a. m inute ! D on ’td r op tha t lette r i n thebox wi thout stampi ng and add r ess i ng i t .
”
KICK :“ That’s all r igh t . It’s
jus t an an swe r to an anonymouslette r I r ecei ved .
”
—TVes t Po in t Po i n ter .
Every
Fr iday and Saturday
N ight
The S I R EN
WELL,ANYWAY
,THERE IS
ALWAYS AT THE BOTTOM.
— Colorado D odo .T he man who has g r own toolazy tobe ga l lan t ca l ls h i s sweet
hea r t h i s ”
par— madwbury B lue
B aboon .
Every d ay on e m i llion p eop le read th e st reet - ca r ca rd s rep rod uced above
Th ree hu n dred th ou san d p eople , m o s t
ly co llege gradu a t es an d recogn i zedbu s in ess p eople w i llbuy t h e D ecember wh ere m i llion s W i llbecom e you r
(Holiday) i ssue. On saleNovember 6 th .fo llowers .
Ou r readers t ell u s th a t an average o f OURS i s th e jo you s t a sk— th a t o f
m ore th an 1 3 p erson s read ea ch copy o f ga th er i n g th e f resh es t a n d m os t
College Hum or purch a sed . buoyan t h um or f o r wh i ch co lleg i a t e
Near ly Four Mi lli on w i ll see Your “ Bes t"in Co llege Hum or m i n d s a re respon s ible .
Ou r h op e i s to m ak e each i ssu e a s tan da rd o f com par i son .
For th i s rea son we h a ve g i ven t o th e m a t eri al
a t i t le o f f ull m ean i n g
C H IC A G 0
RECIPROCITYA cer ta i n young lady from Ma r sStar ted bootleggi ng up i n the
star s,
Ba t qu ick as a min ute,We extended our limi t
,
A nd lan ded h erback of thebar s .
— B laek an d B lue Jay .
Whe r e ya go i ng ? ”To the chapte r h ouse .
I di dn ’t kn ow you we re a f ra
tern i ty man .
”
“ I’m not,I’m go i ng to the
Libra r y .
” Nor thwes tern Purple
Parr ot.
B IB : “ Let’s p lay s t r ip poke r ? ”
LIB :“W i nne r take all ?
”
BIB : “ No,l ose r take cold .
— Hami lton Royal Gaboon .
Comic
your
education
THE su ccess o f you r com i c d epen d s
on you .
Y ou can expres s you r own i dea s an d
o r ig in a li ty th rou gh you r com i c .
Y OURbes t effor t s , wh en accep tedby you r ed i tor ,wi ll la t er app ear i n
The S I R E NIT NOW D O l
'l
‘ NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NO W
CI'
I'
I
i f you don ’t subscr ibe to
VANITY FAIR
you won’t know who
’
s who or
what ’s whatyou
’
llbe caugh t short on dinner
table conversati onyou won
’t k now what plays to pickor whom to look f or in them
you won’t kn ow wh en the tim e
changes in th e world of ideas
why,for instance , jazz and Charli e
Chaplin are today classic , and on
what ch i ll tom orrow they m aybew eux / eux
when th ey put the padlock on
D . H . Lawrence and when theytook i t off Jam es Joyce
when the Russians stoppedbe ingch ic and wh o supplan ted th em
the debutantes '
wi ll
dodge you at di nner
the stags at eve wi ll
cut i n on someone
more amus ing
you’
ll he a wet rag ,a
dumbbunnyBu t i t
’s n o t too la to. Cur few do esn
’t r i n g
ton i gh t . Th e o rde rblank i s h er e . Van i tyFa i r
’s subscr ipt i o n li st rem a i n s open
Th an k h ea ve n the re i s s ti ll t im e .
1 0 i ssues f o r $2
TE A R IT OUT TE A R IT OUT TEAR IT OUT TE A R IT O UT FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN
T
NOWDO
I
IT
NOWDO
Van i ty Fa i r , G reenw ich , Conn . Name e tc .
D ea r Van i ty Fa i rYour English didn ’
t pe rsuademe,but you r Boe tian is i r res is t ible . A t tached find two
dolla rs fo r ten issues . oIllus trat ions copyrightby Van i ty Fa i r Q
D IN TW O BU CK S PIN TW O BUCK S P IN TWO'
B UCK S D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW’
D O IT NOW D O IT NOW
The S I R E N
'
My br othe r got in to t r ouble ma r r i edwoman .
“G r ea t Sco t t who was i t ? ”
The S I R EN
Xmas Shopping Yuletide In The Sh i r t Factory
“Pi ck out any th i n k youse wan ts Mame, de p r ice \Vhat a re fo r l i tt le gi r l ?”
0 g Q I
don t make n o dItf erence to me .
” Because th i s Is a swea t shop and I can’t swea t .
The S I R E N
[ 1 2 ]
The S I R E N
The Pledging of Wi l l iam PanA MUSICAL COM ED Y IN ONE SCENE
Si ' ENE : The chap ter r oom. dur ing Chapter Meet
i ng . Th e s tage shouldbe shrouded in secrecy an d
n i t/s ti c imn ; ablui sh f lame maybeburn i ng i n on e
cor n er a nd i t would help to have a skull or two, or
e r en a. whole skeleton. draped carelessly about someu here .
2NDD RAMATIS PERSONAE : G rand Exa l ted Mogul ,
Fi r s t B ro . Second B ro .
,Th i rd B ro .
,Fou r th Bro.
,
ad n aus eum
GR. EX . MOG . ( thr ough n oi se of conver sa ti on}Well
,well
,let’
s come to o r de r .(Br eaks gavel on desk .)
Hey, youbi rd s , sett le down .
(Gradua l ces sa ti on. of rumpus .)Now we
’l l h ave the open i ng ce r emony .
(Fumbles i n,book .)l ST BRO :
Aw,li e— ll can
’t we cut that out ?
GR. EX . MOG
Nope, i t’s i n th ’by - laws .
(Fi n ds h is place i n the secret r i tual.)A ll r igh t pipe down !
(Char-
it s .)
Oh,B r othe r s
,B r othe r s
,let the r ebe
Peace and Joy and Ami ty, ( shut up con found
you)May our o r de r neve r fa i lSin and Fol ly to assa i l .Let us dwell i n ha rmon yHe r e i n Theta B eta X i . (Come to order you
(lumbell.)CH ORU S (Chan t)
He r e i n Theta B eta X i !D ea r Old The ta Beta X i !
STAGE NOTE : Th e for ego ing shouldbe render ed
a s n ea r ly as pos s ible as th e“ Te D eum” i s don e i n
l if es trhi n s tcr Abbey . If n o on e pr esen t has heard
th i s number , a D elta Gamma reci t ing the creed o f
the D elta. ( l a nunu g irls narybe im i ta ted as closelyas i s though t adv i sable
Now,tha t
'
s ove r ’zerenynewbi zness ?
(F i r ebr o the r s leap er e i tedly to th ei r r espect-inc
feet.
l sT BRO . :
(He ha s held the f loor on the gr ounds Of the sur
ui ra l of the fi ttes t. The unsuccessful comba ta n ts ni aybe r o rnor ed car efully a t thi s po i n t orle t lie un ti l the en d of the acti on .)
[ 1 4 ]
B r o the r Mogu l , the re’s a man
By the name of W i l l iam Pan
Who’sbeen r ecommendedby
B r othe r s G r ay and Sha rp and Fry .
He’s a wi za r d on thebooks
,
D r esses good and damn good l ooksBRO . (In terrupti ng)Say , tha tbi r d’
s an Oi lcan r igh t.D oesn ’t even snake a t n igh tBRO
Y es,and I don ’
t l ike h i s hat .
If you ask me,— wel l that’
s tha t !
BRO . :
A nd the ove rcoa t he wea r s .
Have you seen the h o r ses’ ha i r s ?I p r esume he
’s been a coachman f r om
l ooks .
CH ORUS
Y es, he mus t ha vebeen a coachman f r om i ts
l ooks .
lST BRO . ( outshouti ng competi ti onBut
,l ook he r e
,he gets good g r ades
a h— ll of a math sh a rk,
W i th the ma rks he gets, my Gee !He
’l l '
su r e r ate a Ph i Bete Key .
ESTH BRO
I don ’t l i ke the way he ta lks,Nor the fun ny way he wa lks
GTE BRO
A n d you couldn ’t make h im rate !W'
hy he’d pet r i fy a D ate !
A nd I’m su r e he’dbe a f ra i d of h old ing hands .
CH ORUS
Why, he’d evenbe af r a i d of h o ld i ng hands !
l ST BRO . (bellowi ng above confusi on)He
’s a demon on the s tage,
B ack at h ome he’s all the r age .
BRO
But he doesn ’t even playB r i dge, at leas t tha t’s wha t they say .
8TH BRO
A nd he th i nks tha t sh ooting d i ceIsn ’
t rea l ly ve ry n i ce .
9TH BRO
Say , he doesn ’t even smoke,
A n d he th i nks a lemon cokeIs a wicked th i ng
—because he doesn ’t d r i nk .
CH ORUS
Qu i te a wicked th i ng, because he doesn ’td r i nk .
l sT BRO . ( he i s weaken i ng, a nd can bar elybeheard)But h i s Old man ’
s got a Mi l l i on(Si len ce ! Slow Mus i c
,di r ector— than k you .)
1 0TH BRO . ( h e i s the f ir s t to come to) :Got a Mi l l i on got a mi l l i on .
CH ORUS ( s traggling i n)Got a m i l l i on got a m i l l i on .
Has he Rea lly got a mi l l i on .
GR. EX . MOG . (verybus in ess - li ke) :
In that case, gen t lemen ,Ibe l ieve i t i s our
duty to vote on Mr . VVi Ili am Pan .
Se rgean t -at—a rms
SRGT .
-AT-ARMS ( he ha sbeen revi ved af ter fa i n t
i ng a t the shock ofbei ng ca lled on . A UTH OR’S
NOTE : We have always wan ted to use a srg t
( i t -arms for someth i ng .)You r es teemed
,r oyal
,exa l ted h igh ness !
GR. EX . MOG . :
P r epa re theba l l o tbox .
Theballotboat: i s duly pr epared and the scrambleto votebegi n s . Fr om an assemblage of twen ty
se r en ,th i r ty
- two wh i teba lls are cas t for Mr . Wi lliam Pant
.
CURTAIN
COLLECH ( to clerk i n drug s tor e) : “ Gimme a
p i n t of gin , wi ll ya ? ”
CLERK :“ G i ve i t to ya , hel l !
pi n t .”It
’s f i vebucks a
SOPH :“ Twen ty—eigh t ! Take th i s sui t to the
ta i l o r ’s .
”
FROSH :“ Aw
, go'
peddle yer pape r s and
othe r f r eshmanbough t abott le of li namen t .
{1 11
E ven the Champa i gn cops we re d i sappo i n tedbyth i s yea r ’s F r eshman s tag .
HE :“Would yoube my wi fe ? ”
SH E : “ Obb— yes .
HE :“ A n d you would ma r r y me ? ”
SH E (br ea th lessly) : “ My da r l i ng !”HE :
“ Th en you r ea l ly a re wi l l i ng to be mywi fe ? ”
SH E : “ Y es, yes .
HE (murmer ing to h imself) :
sett les i t ; Ibe l i eve I sh a l l p r opose .
“ I th ink tha t
The re i s on e F reshman s t i l l r epo r ted mi ss inghe was the on e who a sked why all the g i r l s we rewea r i ngbasketba l l socks .
The S I R E N
Warmpique
PH YLLIS : “Wha t do you th i nk about wea r i ngr o l led s tock i ngs ? ”
“ TILLIS :“ Oh i t
’s a l r i gh t as far as I can see .
“'
hat i s funn ia‘ than a g r oup of p r omi nen tcol legian s, wh o r ea lm : tha t they are p r omi nen t.
Why i s i t tha t eve r yone l oses i n a poke r game ?
A t least once i n eve r y man ’s l i fe comes the des i re
tobe made sudden l y r ich i n oi l.
A tact less man ’
s i dea of complimen t ing a p r ettyg i r l i s to te l l her she
’s sen s ible .
A lazy man th i nks the who le wo r ld i s lazy .
and he’
s r igh t .
—S
AVIATOR ( ha /
r i ng landed i n a fog) :“Whe re am
RUSTIC : “Wal,you’ r e i n Jed Hutch i n ’
s cow
pastu re .
”
The S I R E N
PROF :“ Not an othe r wo rd wi th some people you
can go so f ar and no f arthei
STU D E : “ Tut ! tut ! I kn ow th r ee town gi r l s W i tsame l ine .
[ 1 6 ]
The S I R E N
A ll In A Lifetime
[ 1 8 ]
THE WELL FILLED STOCKING
D emu re ly spoke she, l i ke a ch i ld,
The yulei de spi r i t th r ough her th r i l led :
“ A lways Ch r i s tmas mo r n,
”she mused and smiled
,
Fi nds my s tock i ng r i ch ly f i l led .
”
A nd mus ing l i kewi se he r ep l i ed ,W i th adm i r a t i on d id con vey
,
Tha t wh at was t rue of Ch r i s tmas mo r n,
‘Vas tr ue of eve r y othe r day .
FROSH :“Wonde r why the Mn Mu Mu’
s haveth ose p i l la r s i n f r on t of thei r h ouse— they’re n ot
h oldi ng anyth i ng up .
”
“ Pu r ely symbol i ca l,my son .
be r s have allbeen as leep fo r yea r s .
”
The mem
Oh Y es , Maybe
MALE :“ I unde r s tan d they a re go i ng to do away
wi th so r o r i ty pi n s .
”
FEMALE : “ How’s that ? ”
MALE :“ The re i s n oth i ng to pi n
’em on any
mo r e .
”
The S I R E N
A n Old Gen t who fo r some r eason a lways escapessn ow-ba l l ingbefo re Ch r i s tmas time.
THE MAID EN’S LAMENT
Old San ta Cla usbr ough me a wa tch,
A c leve r li l’ Swi tze r land watchA r ea l sweet caseWi th abeaut i ful face
Oh,D addy ! I en vy that watch .
PROF :“Wha t do you ca l l the pe r i od ic mot i on of
the ocean about Ch r i stma s t ime ? ”
FROSH :“ Y ou mean the Yu le -t i de ? ”
STRANGER :“ Please
,s i r
,how can I f i nd the
l ibr a r y ? ”SENIOR : “ See that g i r l ahead of you,
all d ressedup and wi th n obooks unde r her arm ? Wel l
,jus t
fol l ow her .
”
HALE :“ That coach i s a wonde r ful con ve r sa
t i onali st .
BACK :“ He ough t tobe— he spends the whole
season imp r ov i ng h i s l i ne .
”
D a n o i ve of dat guy ,compla i ned J immy, the
demon Of ficeboy , “of fer i n
’ me s ix dol la r s a week .
Wha’s he th i nk I am ? A col lege g radua te ? ”
(Vo ice from dark,secluded cor ner of soror i ty
porch) : “ Y ou are my sweet daddy,
a r en’t you
dea r ? ”
FATH ER (wa lki ng by wi th s on ) :“ A hem ! By
Geo rge, son,i t so r t of touches us Old fe l l ows
th i ngs l i ke tha t .SON :
“Wel l,fa the r
,we young fel l ows a r en ’
t
exact ly un fee l i ng about the s i tuati on ou r se l ves .
”
The S I R E N
I was a l i tt le H igh Sch ool G i r l A nd He was a Col lege Soph omo re
G osh,h ow I l oved that Man But He l l
,the old man sho t H im .
[ 20]
The S I R E N
Campus Kn owledge
A h ouse chape r one i s l i ke a cake of soap, she
gets wo r n out t r y i ng to keep the h ouse cl wel l ,she
’s n ecessa ry, an yh ow.
D OCTOR :“ You r tempe ratu re i s up to 99 deg r ees .
STEw :“ Shaw
,D oc
,i sh tha t i n the shade.
”
Oh,I
’
m a ch i nk co -cd
Impo r ted st r a igh t fo r Sian fu '
I r eg i s te r at Il l in o i sA nd study jus t as Melli can s do .
I take my phys ica l exam,
In “ange l r obe” I fly a r ound
By docto r s, nu r ses , i n specto r s,A nd all con fus i on I
’m su r r ound .
I wa lk upon that n ice G r een s t r eetIbuy mybook at cheap CO -op
Wh i ch i s rea l ly so much cheap
For all th ose “snappy
”c l othes I sh op ;
I wea r ga l osh on my sma l l footI get me l i ttle Ch i nese sheik
A nd now the r e’s on e th i ng I mus t lea r n ,
To gold -d ig I fo r eve r seek .
I see the flappers usebig eyesA nd l ook r igh t up at h an dsome man
A nd then to Mos i ’
s they mus t go .
“ Gold -digge r ,” says the Mellican,
But sti l l he l ike i t just the same
IIe fa l l qui te fla t —an d why can’t I
Make hugebig eyes all open wi deA nd say a
“ l ine” wi th l i tt le lie ?But I— my eyes a re on ly s l i tsI can n ot l ook wi thbig-eyed s ta reOr makebig han dsome man so wi ldHe. g i ve all othe r gi r l s the a i r .
B ut. s ti l l me kn ow he says so tooA n d fo r “ 1 0
“ digge r s” doesn ’t ca r e PREIIISTORIC G OLFER :
“ B v the Odd Sabe r -Tooth .
SO much as Ch i nk s f r om Si an fu. I have got abi r die !”
Why H e Took Up the RothMemory C ourse
It had been a wonde r ful even i ng . She had
l ooked l ovely and he~ we l l he h ad dan ced d i v i ne ly .
A nd thei r f r i end sh i p had p r og r es sed , oh , how i t had
p r og r essed ! But the h ou r was ha l f -pas t twel ve, thet ime when all good r espectable pe r son s say thei rgood -byes . Jane l ooked a t Tom . Tom l ooked at
Jane . The momen t was one Of th ose i n t imate on es .
It seemed to deman d someth i ng .
“ G ood n i gh t, dea r ,”she mu rmu r ed .
“ I’ve had a won de r fu l t ime
,A l
da r l i ng !” He d r ewback amazed,hu r t
,di sappo i n ted,
en r aged .
“ Ah— so,i t
’
s AI, i s i t? Wel l
, good -bye— He len
,you’ve rui ned i t all— Helen They pa r ted .
There i s n o mo ra l,f r iends . A fte r all, what’s i n a
name ?
The S I R E N
AND JUSTlNCASEYOU D ONT
BEN
[ 23 ]
The S I R E N
Al id a/sen Iden ti tyD o you r emembe r that n igh t when we met,A nd the th ings tha t you sa i d
,I r emembe r them
yet.
D o you remembe r tha t fi r st n i gh t we k i ssedA nd th ough t of the th i ngs we had tota l ly mi ssed .
D o you r emembe r tha t n igh t when you c r ied ,Because fo r an i n s tan t I s t r ayed f r om you r Si de .
D o you r emembe r tha t time when you sa id,“ D ea r es t
,wi thout you, I’
d rathe rbe dead .
D O you r emembe r - Y ou don ’t— s’fun ny, i t mus t
havebeen some othe r gi r l .
1055 BY PAUL BEATl-l JULIUi
2EMU-ER.
It seems a Shame
To watch a dame.
Inbreech es sh o r t cavo r t '
A nd kn ock a r oundA r ound the g r oun dA l i tt leba l l fo r spo r t .She’
d l ike to swea rA nd tea r h er ha i rWhen she
’s mi ssed a two - foo t putt ;
A nd when a t all
She h i ts'
theba l lShe k icks i t wi th her foot .
A l th ough her gameIs r a the r tameWe men all ca l l i t f i ne ; Nelsen Beauty ShoppeWh i le we make j okesAbout her s t r okesA n d thi nk her fo rm’
s d i v i ne. for ”l arcel, Shampoo , Man
i cur e . Scalp Treatmen ts
Th i s t ie was impolr ted f r om Egypt .
O ur Speci alty
PLED GE :“ Tut, tut, I go t mi ne f r om abr oad tOO .
'
606 1 - 2 G r een St r eet Phone M- 3 322
Eatban anas and hang a r oun d wi th thebunch .
[ 24 ]
A Yokel’s Lamen t
T’othe r day Imet a gal,I th ot udbe so r ta pal.I cou ldn ’t th i nk a n o th i n ’
sweete r,
But say i t cos t th r eebucks ta feed her .
D oggon i t when you s ta r t a k i ssi n’
Y ou r ea l i ze wha t you havebeen mi ssi n ’
It’s a l ot mo r e fun than pi tch in’ hay,
A nd you don ’t ha f to wo r k i n the ligh t aBut I can
’t th ink what to say to popI haven ’t studied and I’m go in ’
ta flop,
A n d I kn ow now tha t I’vebeen a fule
D oggone th i s gol-du rned co -ed sch ool !
The S I R E N
The [Midn ight Cli n ic
FROSH :“ Gee
,I saw an acci den t ton igh t .
SOPH :“ Wh a t d i d you do "
"
FROSH :“ Hung a r ound awh i le and t r ied to
sc r ape up an. acqua i n tancef’
[ 26 ]
The S I R E N
[ 27 ]
The S I R E N
Lost Excellence
How noble wa s the s a i age . wh o l i ved among the
t r eesIn compa n ion sh ip wi th Na tu r e , w i th bi r ds and
beas ts ami flea s !Il is hea r t was n o t. po lu led lay pol i t ie s no r gold .
“ i s id ea l s we r e the pu r e s t, a nd he. was f ree and
bold .
A n d , i t he chanced to a rgue w i th a n othe r of h i s r ace,He ve r y gen tly mu r de r ed h im, wi th d ign i ty , and
g r ace.
Wha t. models we r e the Hebr ews ! The chosen of th eea r th
,
“ h e n eve r fa i led to sac r i fice , who shunned un seem
ly m i r th ,Knew Evoluti on was a llba n k , and sa i d
,
“ Thou sha l tnot k i l l
,
B ut when i t came to en em ies , wou ld massac r e a t
wi l l .Then too the re we r e the a nc ien t G r eek s, the f i nes t
people yet,“ ’ho h on o r ed A rt— and would ens lave a k in sman
fo r a debt .A nd oh ! the age of Kn i gh thood ,
when men we r e t rueandbr ave,
A nd now comes the
Between Seasons SaleEach yea r a t th i s t ime th e Jerrems annua l
W i n te r Sa le br i n gs to men wh o k now th e s tylean d qua l i ty o f Jerrems cloth es , th e oppo r tun i tyto pu r ch as e jus t wh a t th ey wan t , r i gh t i n season ,
a t g r ea t s av i ngs .
Su i t w i th ext ra t r ous e r s or kn i ck e r sa ! {h e m ice of th e su i t a lon e .
$65 to $ 1 00
We would adv i se college men to mak e select ionwh en y ou are i n Ch icago du r i ng th e h ol i days .
T h e new ma te r ia ls mos t favo r ed f or spo r ts0 1 gen e r a l wea r are all i ncluded , as we l l as th e
s tap le th i ngs .
Overcoa ts are also reduced
AND SPORT C LO THES
324 SOUTH MICHIGAN AVE .
71 E a s t Mon roe St . 7 N o r th La sa l le St .
CHICAGO
O i l
Fms r Cop : “ She’s an a r ti st’s mode l .
SECOND Cor : “ Whaddya‘
mean
FIRST Cor : “ I’
vebeen t r yi ng to get someth ingher s i nce th e robberv and ‘ i t
’s imposs ible .
— B os tou B ea npot .
GETTING IT OVER
— No t r e D ame Juggler .
A n d fo r a s l igh t offense would send a f r iend i n toh i s g rave .
Il ow ch i va l r ous the n oble kn igh t, h i s l i fe wi th R0ma nce f raugh t,
Who ve r y w i sel y ch ose h i s w i febv the dowe r y thatshebr ough t,
A n d cooped her up the r ea fte r , ( i n fe r i o r to h im )In a ca st le cold and g l oomy, movi eless and g r im .
How v i r tuous the Pu r i tan,who shunned all p lea
su res l igh t,Who fled f r om Eng lan d when he must
,and took
a g r ea t del igh tIn se i z i ng f r om the Ind ian h i s own ances t r a l land .
“ Thobu r n t h i s wi tches j oyful ly, and neve r playeda hand .
For h imse l f he wan ted f r eedom . A h,l ibe r ty
sublime !But when he hung h i s Quake r s he had a g rand old
t ime !
Whe re i s the old t ime ch i val r y,the v i r tue an d the
g race ?Now A rt
,and Fa i th and Cul tu re have taken second
Idace
Mi ds t footba l l games and Red C r os s d r i ves,equa l i ty
and Fo r ds .
G one are the t ruly cu ltu r ed men,the ki ngs and
dukes an d l o r ds .
The r ace i s su r ely dy i ng . I’ll lay i t all on Fate !Bue i t our n eve r -endi ng wa i l that we we r ebo r n too
late.
He made up h i s m i nd tha t he would p r oposen ew. A shudde r came ove r h im an dbeads of p respi rationbr oke out on h i s flushedbr ow. He fel ti n h i s vest pocket . It was the r ebut soon i t wouldg r ace her hand . Sl owly he tu r ned and faced her .
Uh— uh —D ot— uh
He cou ld get n o fa r ther .
“ D o r othy— I— uh— wouldHe gu lped fu r i ous ly .
“ Say , Jack ,”she sa i d .
“ IVi ll you ma r r y me ? ”
Y es,he fa i n ted .
A TTEN TION [ S IN VITE D TO
TH E E JVL A RGE D FA CILITIE S
A CCESSOR/ES , D E VELOPE D EX
PRE SSL Y FOR COLLE GE MEN ,
HA VE B E EN A RRA N GE D IN
LARGE A ND UN COMMON A SSORT
MEN TS ON A FL OOR GIVEN
OVER TO COLLE GE SERVICE .
CQO TH SS
li e/ { TS x » SH O ES
Hu f f? CRE J SH ERY
Fifth Avenue at 46th St.
NEW YORK
PURELY TECHNICAL
STACOMB : -“ Te l l me
, dea r , i f I p r omi se n eve r tomen t i on i t to a sou l
,wi l l you gi ve me jus t one, l ong,
l i nge r i ng k i ssbefo r e we pa r t ? ”
D JER K i ss :“ I sh ould say I won ’
t—but I guess Iwil l . ” —lVa sh i ng ton Column-s .
AT LE AST BA D LUCK MAKES VERY GOOD—Ru tge r s Cha n ticleer .
Home li fe i s d i sappeari ng an d coun t r y l i fe i s
di sappea r i ng . About a ll the re i s left i s wotta l i fe.
—Ru tge r s Cha n t icleer .
A RTILIE RY ROOK IE ( about to take h i s f i r s t lessoni n. ho r sema n sh ip)
“ Se rgean t, p lea se pi ck me out a
n ice gen t le h o r se.
STA BLE SERGEANT :
befo r e ?”ROOK IE : “ NO .
”
SERGEANT :“ A h He r e ‘
s just the an ima l fo r you .
He‘
s n eve rbeen r i ddenbefo r e. Y ou can s ta r t out
togethe r . ” - B lach a nd B lue Jay .
ENCLISH MAN ( ea t-ing a f i sh cake for the f i r s t
t ime) :“ I say, Old chap, someth i ng has died i n mybi scui t .
”— Pen n Pun ch B owl.
“ D ’
ja eve r r i de a h o r se
NOAH AND D AN
PROFESSOR : “ Befo r e ,I d i smi ss the c las s let me re
pea t the wo r ds Of Webste r .”A STUD ENT QUITE SORER : “ Let’s get out Of he re .
He’s sta r t i ng on the d i cti ona r y .
”
— Souther n Cali f . Wampus .
MOTH ER :“Why d idn
’t you ca ll when that young
man t r ied to k i ss you last n igh t ? ”
FAIR D AUGHTER :“ But
,Mothe r
,I didn
’t kn owth at you wan ted tobe ki ssed .
”— B i son .
H e met her a t th e races
Y es h e d id, ,by heck !
A nd las t n igh t on theback po r chThey f i n i shed n eck in
’n eck .
—M¢ln uesota Sk i -U-Mah .
OLD GENT : “ Boy, di d you kn ow that a ciga rette,p r ope r ly defi ned, i s ‘f i re at on e end and a foo l atthe othe r ’YOUNG RUFFIAN :
“ Yeeah,I kn ow
,
damn good tobacco i nbetween !”— Carollna Buccan eer .
but the r e’
s
RAYMOND : “ A nd d i d you pi ck up any F r enchdu r i ng you r t r ip last summe r ? ”
WH ITCOMB :“ Shut up, you foo l , tha t’
s just wha tmy wi fe i s t r y i ng to fi nd out .
”— B owdo i n B ear skin .
Two Ph i B eta K appa at wh i s tSmo te each o ther rea l ll ( l on, the wr i s t
Cr i ed the one w i th fer ver escenc e,Y ou super cwc}
'
csen cc
Cr i ed the o the r,
“ D es i s t, n ow des i s t !”
—Ya le Recor d .
I’
ve neve r seen a“ B l ind D r ag
I neve r h ope tobe one ;
But I can tel l you anyh owI
’d r athe r see thanbe on e !
— lfVes t Po i n t Poi n ter .
When D ad wa s aboy, _i f he ha ted wo rk he wasca l led lazy . But i f h i s son exh ibi ts the same ten
deney, he has a comp lex — Wi tt .
SH E : “Why di d you tu r n out the l igh t ? ”
HE :“ I feelbette r i n the da r k .
”
— N. Y . Mercury.
SHE w r i tes to y ou on s tat ione ry th at sh e ch oose s ca r eful ly— and y ou app r ec i ate h er tas te : D O you r le tte r s Show th e
same deg r ee O f in d i v idua l i ty ? Use
ITS POPULARITY PROVES ITS WORTH
Sold p la i n. an d d i e s tamped a t
B . A . STRAUCH STUD ENT SUPPLY STOREU of I SUPPLY STORE
FINE“
STATIONERY D EPARTMENTHAMPSH IRE
- ”
PAPER COMPANY So. H ad ley Fa lls , Mas s .
[ 3 1 ]
The S I R E N
The S I R E N
as Christmas Gifts
A re con s tan t and ever las t ingrem inder s o f the giver . WhenO f s tandard m ake the i r value
i s unquestioned.
O ur coni plete a s so r tmen t of newa nd unusua l s tyle s gi ves you an
Oppo r tun i ty to se lect a gi ft ext r ao r d i n a r y .
P ENS
N D IV OD UA LLY
FzT'
TED
61 2 Eas t G r een St r eet
Champa ign Ice Cream CO .
’
ICES SHERBETS
Th e any hour food
Ma i n 1 75- 1 76
[ 32 ]
Why Not a UsefulGift
Th is Year?
G i fts selected from the
M i ller -Wohl CO . w i llbegreatly appreciated by
THEM ILLERWOHL co .
STORE S FOR WOMEN
Co r n e r Ne i l an d Pa rk Sts . Ch ampa i gn
THE
CORNER D RUG STORE
G reen and Si x th St r eets
Impor ted Perfumes
Van i ty Compacts
Prescr ipti on D epar t-men t
Three Reg is tered Pharmaci s ts
B . E . SPALD ING(Owne r )
P A Y S T O IN S I S T O N A R R O W S
PO M -F R
M E R C E R J Z E D O X F O R / D
A V ERY FINELY MA D E SHIRTCUT TO ALLOW FOR SHQW N G
AND W ITH AN ATTA CHED COLLAR
Mad e Ey t/ie Ma ée r s oe r ow (Jo/fa tesC LU E T T , PE A B O D Y w c o .
,INC .
P U L L A G O O D O N E — W H E N Y O U
You can get all five degrees in the classic
D uo fold Pens
e/Ind All “Po in ts Gua ran teed for Z S-Tears’
l/Vear
i w r i t ing dodo you ho ld
i t? A nd what Sty le o f w r i ting i s
en ti rely n atu ral to you r hand ?These th i ngs make abig d ifier
en ce i n the k i nd of po i n t that w i llmake you r w r i tin g a joy to do and
a p r ide tobeho ld.
C lose figu re wo rk or fine memo
randa, for example, cal l for a fin e or
an ext ra-fine poin t. But themed ium
po int, thebroad, or the stub— these
give one’
s penman sh ip a pe rsonal i tyand ch a r acte r th at m ake m igh tyv aluable imp ress ion s i n a lette r ora s ign atu re .
These are reason s why, i n the
c lassi c D uolold Pen s,Geo .S.Pa rke rgi ves the wo r ld the wh ole five de
grees o f po in ts th at the fiv e deg rees
ofw r i ti ng requi re.A ndwe’
ve placed
these just a round the co rne r whe reyou can step in and try themalltoday.
These are the po in ts you can lend
wi thout a tremor,for no s ty le o f wr i ti n g can d i sto r t them . Po in ts that are
t ipped w i th supe r -smoo th Ir id ium,
for wh ich we pay a p rem ium o f
200% Poin ts that we gua ran tee, i fnot m ist reated, for 25 yea rs’
WEAR.
A nd eve ry poin t set in a shapely, han dbalan cedba r rel that feels so insp iring you
hate to lay i t down .
Y ou canbuy cheape r pens ,but is the sav
ing wo rth i t ? For you can'
t compete w i th theworld on even terms i f you r pen can
'
t keep
pace wi th the D uo iold .
A ny good pen coun ter w ill sell you th isbeautyon 30days ' approval. Flash ingblack,
orblack-
tipped lacquer-
red , the color that’
s
handsome r than gold and makes th is a h ard
pen to mislay.TH E PA RKER PEN C OMPA N Y JA N ESV ILLE, W ISC O N SIN
Pa rker D uofold Penc i ls ma tch the D uofold Pen , Over-s ize, $ 4NEW Y ORK, CHICAGO The Parker Foun tain Pen C o Ltd Toro nto ,C an . SAN FRANCISCO
The Parker Pen Cc . , Ltd . , 2 and 3 Norlolk St Strand , Lon don , Eng .
W R I T L 4 O R
$ 5Ribbon $ 1 extra
L E
D uo i old Jr.
Same excep t f ors i ze
The S I R E N
R E G I S T E R
T H I S
—IlOURMEN
Regula r D ances H ercU
both n ights
of Regi stration
Bi ll D onahue’
s
O rches tra (507 South W r i gh t St r eet
can"—uu — tm —nu—lm — zm— nu—nu—nu—un — |n —|m— :m In—mn -|m—|m - ull—m|— 1m—m|—|m— 1m—nn—m—nu - lm—uu—w—m
THE Pr ivate D in ing Room for
CORNER D RUG STORE Banquets and Par ti es
G reen and Si x th St r eets
at at
Impor ted Perfumes
Van i ty Compacts
Prescr ipti on D epar tmen t
Conven i en ce— Com for t
Refinemen t
Three Reg i s tered Pharmaci s ts
at as!
B . E . SPALD ING(Owne r )
-r
llllllllllllllllllllllllll
C r isp, Hot, JuicySandw iches
H ome Baked
D elicious Cofiee
The
Barbecue
Take Lunch at the
BARBECUE
*ll
I
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I
I
I
I
I
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E
B
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E
E
E
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u8
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Wh e r e Y ou Fee l a t Home
A . D an i elsonG . W. Byers
The S I R E N
A r en’
t these Kelly Balloon ti r es wonderful, Fr ed? 1 w as
allbraced for an awful jounce when y ou ran off the concr ete ,but i t never came.
”
3 l
The S I R E N
Collegia te A tmospher e
The n i gh t wa sbi tte r co ld , and a l i gh t sn ow was
beg i nn i ng to fa l l . The la rgebr own s tone h ouse on
the h i l l wasbr i l l i an tly l igh ted an d sounds of gaymus ic floated out on the s ti l l
,f r ig id n igh t a i r .
Outs i de the gate , i n thebi tte r co ld , s tood a l i tt leman and a th i n , s ta r ved - l ooki ng woman
,l ooki ng
an x i ous ly i n at all the gayety . He we r e no ove rcoa t and not even a hat
,wh i le she was ve r y scan t i ly
a tti r ed tobe out i n so cold a n igh t .
They s ighed deep ly a s they wa tched the happyscen ebefo r e them,
and her hand s tole i n to h i s . He
p r es sed i t s i len t ly, an d swa l l owed ha r d,at the same
t ime l ook i ng a t her an d smi l i ng wi th l i ps thatt rembled wi th co ld . She r esponded to h i s ca r ess
,
and sh r ank cl ose r to h im.
He s l i pped h i s arm a r ound her p r otecti ng l y andd r ew h er to h im . Thei r l i ps met i n a l ongbreathless ki s s . Then theyboth s ighed deep ly, and aga i n
s ta r ed mood i ly i n at the dan ce r s .
A sha rp,bi ti ng wi nd made them sh i ve r mo r ethanbefo r e. The woman r ubbed her ha l f -ba r e a rmsan d l ooked at the man appea l i ng ly .
Sha l l we move on ? ”she wh i spe r ed .
Y es,
” he sa i d r eso lute ly, a fte r a momen t’s h es ita t ien
,
“ we’dbette r go i n now. You r husband and
my wi fe wi l lbe won de r i ng whe r e we’vebeen all
the wh i le,and anyway
,i t l ooksbad fo r the ch ap
erones to s tay away so l ong .
”
The Cr oss Word Puz z leIt was i n ven tedby Eve wh en A dam came i n to
the Ga r den of Eden on ti p toe a fte r a n igh t wi th“theboys”
.
Th e fi r s t lady of the lan d ‘ met h im wi th c r osswo r ds tha t havebeen puzz l ing man eve r si n ce .
A n d la te r D an i e l Webste r took the language thatshe di dn ’
t use an d made a telephone d i recto r y ofsy l lables wh ich i s kn own as a d i cti ona r y .
But mode r n C r oss i n so l v i ng the
checke rboa r d puzz le, on ly use wo rds l i ke th ose i n thevocabula r y of Eve on that fa teful n i gh t, when seek
i ng D anny’s help .
Howeve r , c r oss i s n ot on l y impo r tan tbecauseofbe i ng con nected w i th today’s puzz le h oun d . Someof '
the famous ph r ases of h i s to r y, l i ke “ C r oss i ngthe D e lawa r e
,
” “ Come A c r os s,
” “ D ouble C r oss ,”“ A ll A c r oss
,
” “C r oss Eyed ,
” “ C r oss W'
i se ,
”and
“C r i s s C r oss
, pos sess i ts magi c lette r s .
So i t. i s of li ttle won de r that a fte r G r andma.
Eve had gold -d i gged G r andpa A dam fo r the A pp le,and a fte r h e h ad found tha t t r ee i s a ssoci a ted w i thwood ,
th a t he t rulyr ca l led a da v’s wo rk a day’s
TRIOLET
STAND BACK,STAND BACK
PARTY : “ I jus t got a check f r om h ome ,
ROUGH :“ Pay me the five dol la r s you owe. me,
then .
”
PARTY : “Wa i t ’ti l l I tel l you the r es t of myd ream .
”
In the r oom we r e s i gn s ofba tt le,Some st r ugg le —wha t Imean
,
For she was figh t i ng fo r her l i fe,Oh Judas ! wha t a scene .
A t last h e h ad h er co r ne r ed,
E scape— she knew not how,
But all he sa i d was,
“ lVoof ! Woof !”So she an swe red, “Ps t ! Meow !”
I l i ke you so,
But you r pa, my dea r .He makes me go,
I l ike you so,
But sti l l you kn owThe r e’
s a flaw,my dea r .
I l i ke you so,
But you r pa , my dea r .
The S I R E N
ONE LISTERINE OVERLOOKED
BANGS :“ I un de r stand you have l ost you r
ch auffeu r .B INGS :
“ Y es,h e had tha t i n s i d i ous th i ng ; and
not on e of h i s f r iends da r ed tel l h im .
”
LA ST D ATE WITH GERTIE
Mo r e s te r n,sad
,t r agi c pi cture ' do you kn ow
Than that of a young man paus i ng nea r the sh owWho
,l ook i ng sad ly a t h i s da te, all mou r n fu l chan ts,
“ G e r t r ude,I left the ti ckets i n my othe r pan ts .
”
BRUSHING UP ON THINGS
A lady,
ev i den t ly f r om the coun t r y, wa lkeda r ound thebi g town a wh i le and fina l l y c lamped h erse l f down to a pa rkbench , t i r ed, mo re than sk i n
deep . She had on lybeen seated at sh o r t wh i le whena man wa l ked up t o h er .
“ Madam,I mus t deman d that you get up f r om
tha tbench ,” he sai d .
I wi l l n ot . A n d who are you? ”
sh e r ep l i edhaugh t i ly .
“ I’m the man who la i d h i s wet pa i n tbr ush down
wh e r e you’r e
I SHOULD N’T LETTER
A h,un t rue
,hea r t less, l i ttle Ma ry,
To wh om I sen t that stati one r yI th i nk I’ll ca l l a r oun d an d take i tback .
You r deed— I r eally can’t excuse i t ;
Sweeth ea r t,I neve r th ough t you’d use i t
To w r i te th ose th r i l l i ng l i tt le n otes to Jack .
Mar i e
The wo r ld i s ful l of tu r n s , Ma r i e,You’ve lea r ned that, haven ’t you ?
A ll r oads must tu r n even tua l ly ;“
Oh,that i s very t rue .
A nd some are good, somebad, Mar ie.
But wha t are We to do ?
The wo r ld i s ful l of tu rns, Ma r i e,Y ou tu r ned you r l ove away .
Just when g r eat h ope had dawned wi th meA n d made my h ea r t so gay .
Y es, you have tu r ned to Van , Ma r i e,So I wi l l tu r n to May .
WITH BRANCH OFFICES
A t r ee was folks’ fi r s t cl oth i ng sto r e ;A nd th i s i s why, you see :
They say tha t eve r y sti tch wo reShe shook down f r om a t ree .
H0 ! H0 ! AND A BOTTLE OF RUM !'
Theybr ough t the r ema i n s of th ose eigh t peoplek i l led i n that auto w reck i n to the mo rgue .
”
“ Pi eces of ei gh t, huh ?”
Y ES,IT
’S NO JUICE
We guess the Sunk i s t O r ange peop le would gi vea huge amoun t i f they could find the guy who
w r ote,
“ A n app le a day keeps the docto r away,”and get h im to change the f rui t .
S
UND ERHAND WORK
TIMOTH Y : “ These swimmi ng teache r s cha rge ex
o rbi tan t p r i ces , don ’t they ? ”IlIA BEL : “ Y es, r egu la r h old up .
VVE’VE OFTEN WOND ERED
TH E D OCTOR :“Wi l l you p lease h old out you r
tongue ? ”
( Co -ed open s mouth and s ticks out tongue a
li ttle.)TH E D oc 'r oa ( agai n) :
“ Put out you r tongue a
l i tt le fa r the r , p lease .
”
CO-ED (peeved) :“We l l
,don ’t you th i nk the re i s
any end to a woman ‘s tongue ? ”
OF COURSE NOT
HE ( af ter the firs t dance) :“ D r i nk ? ”
SH E : “ D o I l ook l i ke a came l ? ”
THE BULLS ARE IN THE MARKET
Oh,Ma r y
, go ca l l the ca tt le h ome,A c r oss the san ds 0
’D ee ;
Oh,Ma ry , go ca l l the ca tt le h ome
,
They’r e sel l i ng at n i nety - th r ee.
NO D ATE
D ORA :“ I just cut gym .
D UMM :“ My ! what
’i d he say
? ”
The S I R E N
m— n — u — w— w — W- u— lfll— |fll— n —ml
U pper classmen w i ll tell you
where tobuy your clothes a s
well as where to hav e them w ell
kept
51 8Eas t G r een Ph one 1 087
”_ lfl—“II— lm— M_I —m— w— m—u—m—un—u— ml— "fl — u z— m—m
IIIIIIIIIII-IlllIIIIIIIIIIllll llIlll llllll llllll llllll llIIIIIIIII' llllll lli llllll llllIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIlllll llllll llllll lllIll llllll llllll llIIIIlIIIIIIIIIIIIlIlIl llllll llllll llllll llIlli lllIIIIIllll llllll llIIIIIIIIIIIlIIIIIIIIlIIlIIIIIIllll
es this issue
Yourbe st e f for t s wh en ac
c ep t ed , wi ll p opul ari ze yourC om i c w i th m illi on s i n
The Bes t Comedy i n America”
C h i c a g 0
Su
UY you r own com i c .
IF you d raw — i f you wr i t e — i f you can
h u s t le’
ad ver t i s in g or s ell subscr i p t ion sSupport your own Comic
Y OU wi llbe repa id i n va lu able exp er i en ce
an d i n grea t er p erson a l e ffi c i en cy f or th e
en ergy an d e ff ort you pu t i n to i t
Support your own Comic
En cou rage you r
f r i en d s a n d f am i ly t obuy i t . It i s th e
vo i ce an d li f e o f you r sch ool
Support your own Comic
RENE NIBER you a re on e o f m an y wh obyyou r own a ct i v i ty an d in teres t can m ak e
your Com i c m ore succes sfu l
r t you r own Com i c !
I IIIlIlll IIIIlIllIIIl IIIIlIIlIIII
0“
take a Course in Experience when
Y ou Support
your own College Comic
The S I R E Nf f ) IT NO \V D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NO W
[4 T EAR IT OUT TE A R IT OUT TEAR IT OUT TEAR IT O UT FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN
F1
0Q
earn s
Ifel l for Sidon ie when Iwas fifteen and she
was twen ty- th ree . Now that Iam twen ty
one, and she is twen ty- six, I lo ve her s t il l .How can i tbe that Sidon ie remains thus
pe renn ia l ly young ; sought for at eve ryp r om and house pa r ty ; the del ight o f e ve ryhostess and guest ; not of our gene rat ionand yet with us in eve r y thing ? Eve ryothe r debutan te o f her v in tage isby now a
mo re o r less stayed mat r on . Her twin
s iste r Co ra l ie is the p r oud mothe r o f twodi vo rces . But Sidonie is wi th us s t i l l,unma r r iedby choice
,cha rming and e ve r
young. At the last house pa r ty, I asked
her how she d id i t . She answe red : Joe, Iha ve known you so long tha t I canbe
wom en I'
OIII
SID ONIE
pro fess i on al
pr om-tro tter
1 0 is sues f o r $2
D ea r Van i ty Fa i r , G reenw ich, ConnJus tbeing a Freshman , Ihaven '
t me t Sidon ie ye t ,thoughbrothe r John knew her well. I am inv i ted to
the Lippinco t ts '
next week end. She wi llbe the re.
He re '
s TWO D OLLARS, for which send me TEN
ISSUES of Van i ty Fa i r .
Name , e tc
Illustrat ion copyrigh tby Van ity Fa ir
OWDO
IT
NOWDO
I
H
OO
PIN TWO B UCKS PIN TING BUCK S PIN TWO B UCK S D O IT NOW D O.
IT NOW D O IT NO \V D O IT NOW D O IT N ( V‘
“
to . 3
f rank . Youth,Ihave a lwaysbel ieved, is a
quest ion of in fo rmat ion rathe r than of
income . So I try to keep abreast of eve rybody else, and pe rhaps a lap ahead, on the
theat re, spo r ts, l ite ratu r e, dancing— all the
pleasan t things that make p r oms and
house pa r t ies wo r th whi le . That’
s why I
am dated up a season in advance . And i t’
s
all so s imple . Any gi r l cou ld do i t— evenas dumba cluck as Co ral ie . Any man
cou ld do i t— even you, dea r Joe . Y ou on lyha ve to read Van i ty Fai r . ”
If i t does this for Sidon ie , what wouldn ’
t
i t do for you ?
The S I R E N
A Safe Job[ 1 0]
The S I R E N
When Kn ighthood was in Flower Mor e About John nyPoo r Joh n ny we l l i n to the c lutchesOf a l i ttle th ree -hund r ed pound duches s :
He had n o mi shapT i l l she sat on h i s lap
A nd now he’s wa lki ng on c rutches .
CRED ICOT T .
A rmour &Co . , Inc .
In days of oldWhen kn igh ts we r ebold
and sheet i r on t r ouse r s wo r e ;They l i ved i n peace,For then a c reaseWou ld last five yea r s o r mo r e .
In th ose old daysThey had a c r aze
For stee l sh i r ts,an d they wo r e them !
A nd the r e wasbli ssFul l much of th i s
For the laund r ies neve r to r e them .
Lin es to a Successful Rival
(A f ter a Los ing Ni gh t a t K elly Pool)Peacebe wi th you, B r othe r Mi ne,W i th you r femme upon you r arm .
Th i nk she’s swa l l owed all you r l i ne ?
Fa l len fo r you r he -man ch a rm ?
Wel l I knew her ! ! Just last yea rShe reigned queen wi th i n my hea r t .
Ibowed low when she came nea r .Y es
,I p lay ed the sucke r ’s pa r t .
I was welcomed as a fish ,
Then at last she th rew me down .
A lmos t spo i led my di spos i sh ,I was k i dded all th r ough town .
I don ’t en vy you, Old Man,
PROF :“ In Mex ican ci t ies the gi r l s wea r the same
For I kn ow her ways, you see. as you gi r ls do, mo r e o r less .
Y ou wi l l get the same t i n can VOICE ( fromback of the room) : “ Not less , theyThat she fastened on to me. couldn ’
t .
”
My G i rl
I of ten take her to a showA n d tha t
’s 0. K .
A n d yet, I’m n ot h er on lybeau,
I’ve hear d folks say .
Of Course I have another dameOr maybe th ree.
A nd o ther men. do jus t the same,
But why should she ?
She of ten. lets me ki ss h er when
I’m not toobold .
She does the same for other man
So I am told .
Of course I k iss a gi r l or two
Or maybe thr ee,A thi ng a ll other fellows doBu t why should she ?
S
H a , H a
(A n Echo from R. B .)Jan e ma r r ied an oth e r guy .
She was g lad, and so was I,
The r e was n o ha r d feel i ngbetween usbl okes,But when she gi gg led i n to my car
,
“ The j oke’s on you,
tee h ee,my dea r ,
I w r apped my finge r s a r oun d her th r oa t :The chokes on you,” an d watched her c r oak .
The S I R E N
[ 1 2 ]
The S I R E N
A D ualMellerdramer
Ruth was hav i ng such a t ime o f i t !B i l l wouldbe he r e any m inute now
,and the r e
yet r ema i ned a thousand th i ngs to do . Her th ough tswe r e so d i s tu rbi ng . It was r a i n i ng . “
' ou ld the
ma r ce l h old ? Oh,heaven s ! Bes i des the dance
would make her f r igh tful ly t i red ; yet she r emembe r ed hav i ng the r id i ng da te w i th Geo rge a t n i ne
i n the mo rni ng . How would she eve r manage to getup i n t ime ?
A nd mamma h ad scolded her when thebi l l fo rthe las t c l oche h ad come th i s afte r n oon— the l ovelyl i ttle c rea t ion of gold and sol i ta r y blue r ibbon .
Mamma had scolded her so seve rely . Ha r d ~hea r tedmamma l
E ven papa had l ooked askance. A nd papa was
usually such a dea r— except, of cou r se, when “’
yom
i ng Sh r ubbe r ies fel l off two o r th r ee po i n ts . Then
he was abea r , a pe r fect ly a t r oci ousbear . Sh rub~ber i es mus t have fa l len a t lea s t fou r and a ha l fpo i n ts today . Papa was so c r oss !
Ugh , ugh , ugh ! Th i sbr uta l l i fe . IVhw cou ldn ’tshe en j oy i t l i ke the i nn ocen t li ttle g i r l of her own
age was appea r i ng to— the on e she had seen ove ron the No r th Si de du r i ng the l i tt le d r i ve wi th Vani n the a fte r n oon . Oh th i ngs we r e so uneven .
She fa i r l y ached i n eve r y muscle— t i r ed , ti r ed ,t i r ed of the end less r oun dof go ing, go i ng, go i ngto p r oms
,to h ops , to teas, to luncheon s, to pa r ties .
Such abruta l l i fe, such abruA th ough t . Out of i t all. “ lli y not ? It wasn
’t
wo r th i t . Cou ld i t 'be the effect of the Shopenhauershe hadbeen r eadi ng ? Someth i ng . She wen t sud ‘
den ly mad . In to B ob’s r oom she dash ed and p i cked
up h i s pea r l -hand led r evol ve r . Then ,w i thbut a
second of hes i tat i on ,she fi r ed a sh o t i n to her head .
Mad ! Mad ! Mad !
Nel l i e was hav i ng such a t ime of i t .
Noth ing to ea t now fo r th r ee days . Mamma sat
i n the co r ne r c r y i ng, sof t ly c r y i ng . Fa the r waswe l l
,who knew ? Out seeki ng a jobaga in . T r amp
i ng all ove r town fo r some so r t of wo rk . Someth i ngto do . For th r ee weeks n ow fa the r h ad done l i tt lee l sebut t r amp the st r eets . A nd he a lways r etu r nedw i th the same sad sto r y of fa i lu re .
Outs ide the r a in d r opped i n neve r -en d i ng, madden i ng fash i on . D rop k
drop, d r op ! Oh,i t seemed
so g l oomy !Ton igh t she would aga i n have to d i s i l lus i on poo r
l i ttle J imm ie about h i s getti ng someth i ng to eat .
A n d the lan d lo rd ,Mr . l ra sper , wouldbe i n a fte r
h i s r en t. He would scold her— so seve re ly Ha r dhea r ted land l o rd ! He wa s so c r oss . A nd the r e wasl i t t le h ope of getti ng a jobtomo r r ow ;but she knew
GOTTLIEB BLICKENSD ERFER
Hasbough t en ough r adi os to r each f r om he r eto Kan sas Ci ty,but he hasn ’
t r eached the coast yet .
The ta le of two ci ti es d i d have i ts l imi ts i f one
could r ead s ign s .
Newton ’
s Law of G r av i tat i on i s no l onge r va l i d i fwe judge f r om p resen t s ty les .
A Rus s i an cash ie r recen tl y d i sappea r ed wi th thecon ten ts of a Po le vault .
How can two red l i ps d r i ve away theblues un lesscol o r s c lash ?
A f r eshman gi r l has come to col lege who has
neve rbeen k i s sed . I Vr i te y our own t i cket .S
The laz iest pe r son I kn ow i s the man who p lacesa g r apef r ui t and a r o l l on h i s abdomen when he
goes tobed, so tha t he can have someth i ng on h i s
s tomach i n the mo r n i ng, wi th out getti ng up fo rbr eakfa s t .
Sheph e rds we r e the fi r st detect i ves .
h ad c r ooks i n thei r hands .
They often
The exchange depa r tmen t has just r ecei ved the
mon th ly maga z i ne f r om Leavenwo r th,
“Wh ose Loosei n Ame r ica .
” They’r e n ow wa i ti ng fo r “ The LooseNoose f r om Jol iet .
she would get up ea r ly i n the mo rn i ng and seek
once mo r e . Whe r e would she go then ? She had
t r ied eve r y p lace— i t seemed . The r e was n one towhom she migh t tu r n i n her so r r ow. She had n o
f r iends to wh om she m igh t te l l the pathet i c sto r y .Nobody ca r ed . She must seek h er own sa l vati on .
Igh , ugh , ugh ! Th i sbr uta l l i fe . Why couldn ’t
she en j oy i t l ike the i nn ocen t l i tt le g i r l of her own
age was appea r i ng to— the on e she h ad seen d r i v i ngth r ough the st reet th i s afte r n oon wi th the hand
someboy i n '
that da r l i ngblue r oadste r . Oh,th i ngs
we re so uneven .
She fa i r l y ached i n eve r y musc le —t i red,t i red
,
t i r ed of the end less r ound of go i ng, goi ng, go i ng tofacto r ies to Sh ops , to sto r es
,to h omes
,to o ffices .
Such abruta l l i fe ; such abruA th ough t . Out of i t . Why not ? It wasn ’
t
wo r th i t . Cou ld i tbeOh
,no . She had neve r r ead Shopenhauer . Be
s ides , the re we r e n o pea r l -hand led r evol ve r s about .
The S I R E N
I hea r you engaged that f r eshman i n a game of chancesNo s i r
,he d idn
’t have a chance .
”
[ 1 5 ]
The S I R E N
Th e on ly th in g w rong i n th is p ictu re is th a t CollitchJoe. and Va r s ity \Vi lbur di dn ’
tbr in g th e i r spots h ome
w i th them , a lth oug h Joe, the on e w i th the h andsomelegs , took h is mi l i ta ry un ifo rm h ome jus t to s h ow th e
folks wh a t a good - look in g so ldie r h e is .
Th is p ictu re was posed for thebenefi t o f in s t ructo r sdu r ing th e Ch r is tmas h o l idays . Th ey w i ll neve r do i t
aga i n . It does n’
t. pay— andbes ides text.books we igh t
oou n one’
s g r ip 50.
He re is E th elwy neback from s choo l w i th “'
i llie on
the ve ra nda o i'
the h ome. da nce. h a ll. E th eh vy ne sug
ges ted th a t th ey go out an d see th e wo nde r ful moonbut. “ ’i llie is n ot a collegboy . Oh , wha t a'
n igh t for
l'lth e lwy ne—ho - h um .
[ 1 6 ]
The S I R E N
Song of the Engi n eer
(Tobe sa ng to the accomp (Mi/ i nten t ofba ss drums,
flutes, (end oboes . )
It’s g r ea t to get up fo rbreak fast,But i t
’
s n i ce r to lie i nbed ,Seven - th i r ty i s much too ea r l y,
—I’d r athe r sleep than get f ed .
But,a las
,at e i gh t i n the mo r n i ng
I s tudy i n Un i Ha l l .I
’
m a f ra i d Imust do all my s leepi ng,Wh en my
“sheep
” i s tacked on the wa l l .
[ 1 8 ]
If Not O nly Profs Wer e Absen t-M i nded(Th ough. of course we a ll kn ow on ly Pr ofs
canbe i n the funn i es
I.
Watson c l osed the doo r soft ly and l ocked i t,
l ocked the wi ndows , putti ed the keyh ole, and stoodove r a c rack i n the floo r .
The man f r om Scroth em Ha r d , the famous Russ i an dance r and her g randson ,
and Moon Mul l i n s,
wh ose d iamond t i arra hadbeen swiped , sat on thei redges ( I mean ,
thei r cha i r -edges ). Who was the
c r imina l ? Now fo r the revela ti on !Shylock Hums stood up quietly, a fa i n t sm i le
h ove r i ng ove r h i s Sa tu r na l i an ' fea tu res .
“ Myf r iends,” he sa i d
,
“by the a i d of h and glasses , footp r in ts , an d finge r na i l pa r i ngs, I have d i scove redthe Swipe r of the Tia ra . The gui l ty pe r son s i ts
at— s i ts— ah ,I’m qui te su re he s i ts . Now
,who was
that pe r son ?— D em i t all,don ’
t y’kn ow
The famous s tu rgeon— su rgeon pa r don a s
r o l led up h i s s leeves and d ipped h i s finge r s i n the
sulfr i c aci d .
“ Ah,
”he mused ,“ th i s case wi l l sh ow
my ski l l to all the wo r ld . Tomo r r ow I sh a l lbeha i led as the Mas te r
,th e Head of the C l i n ic
,the
Coxswa i n of the Bloody C r ew. Tomo r r ow I sha l lbe recogn i zed as the G r eates t Ope r ato r of Appen d i xi t i s i n the wo r ld .
”
A nd he set to wo rk on the v ictim’
s append i x an dfu r the r Table of Con ten ts .
A fte r the patien t wasbu r i ed , the su rgeon remembe r ed th at i t was con cuss i on of thebra i n he was
suff e r i ng f r om.
The th i r d one i s thebu rg la r who swa l l owed then i t r og lyce r i n and pushed the safe i n to a spot sheltered f r om theblast .
A she ik , i t says he r e, can t ie h i s tu rban i n one
minute.
”
“ Y eh 9”
“ Y eh,but how many kn ots an h ou r i s a s team
tu rban ? ”
The wettest man we kn ow has wate r on the kneeand gi n on the h ip.
NEW NOTE OF ART
A h,di d the new pi an i s t put h i s sou l i n i t, as
they say ? ”
Mo r e than that . He put h i s foo t i n i t, as they
The r e’s many a. s l ip ’twi x t cup an d lip
—butmany mo r e a fte rwa r d .
The S I R E N
NOT FOR AN AGE,ETC .
I d on ’t m i nd you r nami ng me A lasper Smi th ,
mothe r,but why A laspar Y . Smi th ? ”
“W'
hy , afte r Shakespea r e’
s h e r o,of cou r se;
su rel y you kn ow of Alasper Y orr i ck
Have youbeen ac r oss ? ”
“ Y es,and I
’m jus t sta r ti ng on the ve r ti ca l defin it i on s now.
”
One li ttle g ir l says : Perhaps the r hyme scheme
i s n ot f lawless , an d the meter n ot per fect,but th esen timen t
’
s d ivi n e.
THE U . S. LANGUAGE
MOTH ER ( to daugh ter getti ng ready for a da te) :“ Neve r m i nd vou r P’
s and Q’
s . He’l lbe comi ng P .
F
D AUGH TER :“ All r i gh t, mothe r . He’
s an S. P.
,but he th i nks I’m an S. S. an d G .
,so I gues s all wi l l
be S. O . S.
”
A n othe r absend -m inded p r ofes so r i s the one who
shuts h i s daugh te r off and smi led at h i s r ad ia to r .
These are g lan d old days,
g r andad to h i s young wi fe.
sa id the r ejuvena ted
Our i dea ofbl i ss i s Eden fi l led wi th app les an d
women .
wi sh that you wou ld lea r n to ‘
love me .
Maybe I would i f you wou ld g i ve me a mo reembr aci ng cou r se .
”
It i s an . open ques ti on wh ich i s the l ongest durn ig the footba l l season : the spi r i t of sac r i fice, o rthe sac r i fice of spi r i ts .
S
A mi ss i s as good as her sty le.
Woman i s the l i gh t of all mank i nd— mos t useful i n the da r k .
[ 1 9 ]
TALES OUT OF SCHOOL
I.
Jane and Jack wen t out fo r t rackTo run i n cute t rack pan ts .
A nd when th ey r ace,Jane fi l l s the p lace ;
Jack doesn ’t get a g lance.
II.
Jack’s sto r y’
s told,fo r he caugh t co ld
“
A nd d ied of Influen za ;But Jan
’s knees we r e used to thebreeze
It d idn ’t go agenzta .
The S I R E N
On G overnment Con trolled Love
O f days to come I wo r r y much . I sad l y r ack mybra i n , I h ope the days i n s to r e fo r us wi l l see g i r l si n c l o thes aga i n . Th i s da i ly s t ra in o f v iewi ng ches ts
o f g i r l s n ow n igh tly da ted , the i r fea tu r es smea redwi th pa i n t and r ouge, and sh i ns so deco r ated
,i s
getti ng on the n e r ves of men who shun the mush
and go r e, that shei ks and shebas a re he i r to, yes
tha t. and n oth i ng mo r e .
A n i gh tly wa lk i n to our pa rks wi l l find theben ches laden wi th meek youngboys qui te led as t r ayby some a l lu r ing ma iden , who y i e lds to petti ng, she’s
so t imi d wi th much fa lse modes ty that her encumbr ance on thebench
,makes l ove qui te t remul ous . Oh
they’r e wi se wi se,these g i r ls are sma r t
,the poo rboys go i n sane, and then the ma i d sobold ly says,
let’s go get some chowme i n . It wo rks,oh yes, i n
r owboa t o r on sh o re, the g i r ls are hun ti ng mea lt ickets
, yes that and n oth i ng mo r e .
O f cou r se the s tyles of wh i ch we see so ve r yl i tt le, the s tyles you kn ow tha t are so qua i n t
,both
en ds wo rk towa r ds the mi dd le. These styles don ’tcome f r om Pa r i sby s teamsh ip o rby f r eigh t— theyare sen t outby cosmeti c fi rms to make the a reag r eate r on wh i ch to smea r sk in fo ld and c reams
,
f rag ran t powde r and clay, and not tobr i ng out h i d
den l i nes,a l th ough these chemi sts say,
“ F r om Pa r i sexposed l imbs are vogue,” then gi r ls run to thesh opsbuy pa i n ts and powde r by the peck, and
powde r puffs and m0ps to p r otect the h i the r to nuexposed ski n
, ye l ove ly ep i dermus ; all day and n igh tthe chemi sts wo rk
,each fi rm i s mak i ng mi l l i on sby
the sco re ; th i s Pa r i s ta lk i s on ly go re .
’
Y es, tha t,and n oth i ng mo r e .
On fu r the r legi s lati on , I lay the g r ea tes t st r essto save futu re gene ra ti on sby min imi z ing lack ofd ress . The fuss i ng i n our pa rks and s t reets and
ma tte r s of th i s natu r e,sh ou ldbe con t r o l led , wi th
out a doubt,by our s tate legi s latu re. Fuss i ng then
wi l l take a s lump, when weby law are dated ; ourtas tes i nbeauty
,d r ess and fo rm wi l lbe un sat iated .
The th i n gi r l s, sh o r t and ta l l g i r ls, and gi r l s ofg r ea t d imen s i on , wi l lbenefi tby these new laws ; theywi l l get the same a tten ti on . The cops wi l l r outthese pa rk h oun ds ; thei rbo ldness so dep ress i ng ;and s i r en s who s i t i n latest sty le who come wi th outqui te d r ess i ng . We wan t r e l ief f r om all these s igh ts,
wh ich we i n va in depl o r e, we wan t to th r ow our
“specs
”away ; yes that, ohonly that ; please g ran t
tha t i f n oth i ng mo r e .— F. K .
S
Co-ED“ She wouldn ’t do what I asked
her to,so I socked her i n the jaw.
KITTY KAT :“ Y ou a r en ’
t i n any dange r ofbei ngs ocked then
,are you
Influenz a of the Compact Bluesllow doth the lazy collegeboyImp r ove the sh in i ng h ou r s ?
“ ’hy he sh i nes a r ound to Betty’
s h ouseA ndbr i ngs expen s i ve flowe r s .
Fa i r coe ds— h ow do they imp r oveThe i r t ime ( oh holy Moses ! )
They s i t a r ound all day and n igh tTo daubthe i r sh i n i ng noses .
West .
Eleven P . M A . D .
HE ( as he s topped the our five mi les from town)“ Shall we go any fu r the r ? ”
Sun: “ I’ve gone far en ough, n ow i t
’s up to you.
FACETIOUS LECTURER ON PSYCH OLOGYS “ Tha t r ope,now
, could neve r lea r n languages,because i t can
neve r get tense .
”
TH E USUAL VOICE : “ No,but i t canbe taut.”
MORE ABOUT THE WALK HOMEThe h i s to r y p r of was exp la i n ing the system of
tol l r oads .
“ Eve r y once i n so often,
” he sa i d,
“the
wagon came to a tu r n -
pike and the d r i ve r couldn ’tgo ahead un ti l he had pa i d .
”
St range how l i ke the p resen t t ime tha t i t ! Howoften do we find
,when i n a car, that the d r i ve r
can’t go ahead wi thout tol lbe ing o ffe r ed . The on ly
d i ffe r ence i s,tha t then the 'd r i ve r pa id .
Bun/ales IH ave H adThebest of guys was Wi l l ie B rea t,A f resh of no mean stan d ing,When B i l l ie cou ldn’t sca re up r en t,He s lept down on the lan d ing
No guy cou ld shake thebones l ike B i l l,
Nor pass h i s cash mo re f reel y .When Bi l l ie got thebounce f r om Li l
,
He d rank to Ho race G r eely ,He d rank d rank d r ank then wen t
Roommate Number Two
Pete Mi l le r came down nex t semeste rB r ough t a l ong k i d s i ste r Es the r .She p ledged Kappa
— l ots of Jack,
D a r ned good l ooki ng l i tt le smack .
She had Pete meet up wi th Sal
A fte r tha t he had a gal.
Sun day cl othes at fi vebucks downMade Pete seem a guy f r om town ;Hebusted out about D ecembe rGot too tigh t as I remembe r .Got a n ote f r om Pete one day ;
Says the weathe r ’s fine fo r hay .
The S I R E N
The Mean es t Man
toeflbflhanjs ( « chm
He :“
She ha tes me l i ke po i s on .
l t ' “
S‘
ma tte r , didn '
t you take he r to the hous edance .
Ile :“ Yeah
,but s he sa id she needed sympa thy
a nd I sa i d let’
s go to Mos i ’
s .
’
She neve rspoke to me. a fte r tha t .
”
Shor t Story D epar tmen t
She was th r i l led ! She has just passed the wi n
dow and hea rd two of Jack ’s pa l s say someth i ng
about “ Jack go i ng to g i ve her someth i ng ton i gh t .
”
She couldn ’t catch jus t what i t was he was go i ng
to g i ve herbut i t mustbe the r i ng . He hadbeenavo idi ng her the las t two weeksbut p r obably tha twa s due to h i sba sh fuln ess . A t la s t her dan ce wi th
Jack came a nd she d r agged h im to a sec luded co r n e rand then cudd led up to h im . But Jack was co ld and
un r espons i ve . She r edoubled h er a rdo r . _ “Jack ,
dea r , what i s i t you’ r e go i ng to g i ve me ? ”she cooed .
Jack sudden l y a r ose an d da shed away . She fe l lback wi th a ga s p . He had gi ven her the a i r !
D is i llus ionmen t
l. wa s hu r r y ing to my e igh t o 'c lock, th i n k ing ofthe impend i ng soybea n qui z . Sudden ly Ibecamecon s c i ous of the sweet young th i ng t r i ppi ng l i gh t lya l ong a t my s i de . The r e “ as no mud on her shoes .
l' fel t a s en se of powe r s tea l ove r me , fo r had she
n o t pi cked rue — out of a ll the c r owd— a s her pro
tec to r ? She spoke , and the mus i ca l vo ice r emi ndedme of the sweet coo i ng of aba l loo n i st a sk i ng fo ra ra i se . Il e r wo r ds fi l te r ed th r ough my haze ofpr ic
“'
o n'
t Y o ubuy a lmdge? ”
So I k i l led her . A nd the wo r ld ca l l s mebad '
N ot for the In ter es ts
O n the top of old Moun t ‘Va l t,
The house s ta nds de sola te, a l oneTh r ough c r acks a nd ch i nks the cold wi nds moa n ,
A ndbr i ng to us the sme l l o f ma l t .
\Ve l ook aga i n and see the c reamO f a g ia n tboot leg s t i l l .“ ’
e go w i th i n , and ha ve our ti l lLeggo my leg ! “
'
a s tha t a d ream !
Pray er of the Lecture
\l
ow I s i t me down to s leepThe lectu re’
s dry , the subject’s deep :
If he s h ould qu i tbefo re I wake,
G i ve me a shove,fo r goodness sake '
NO ENTRANCE FEES
The most popula r cou r ses i n Engli sh and Bank
i ng are those wh ich are taugh t i n any of the poolha l ls he reabouts .
Soph i s ti ca ted people a re those who do naugh tyth i ngs wi th out fee l i ng gui l ty .
Next Case !
Edna :“ VVha t
’
s you r occupa t i on ?”Ed : “ I
’
m a sea lawye r . ”Edna :
“ A sea lawye r ?”Ed : “ Yeah
,I take cases off sh ips .
Weepi ng Tr iolet
Oh sad i s my fateFor I haven ’
t a t icket ;It
’
s sad to r ela te,
For I had a good da teBut I
’ll stop at the gate
I’
ll not pa ss the wicket
Oh sad i s my fa te,For I haven ’t a t icket .
The.
S I R E N
UNKIND EST CUT OF ALL
HAROLD :“Wel l , Ip lan ted my pi n yeste r day .
GERALD : “What ? Stuck aga i n? ’
Classy ClarabellThe gi r l s are all a l ike today .(But I find no faul t wi th ’
em . )They l i ke to hea r jazz musi c p lay,
A ll dance to the same old r hy thm.
They’r e all l ike tha t
,
’cept Clarabell ;
To wi n her I’m qui te fond ly hopi n ’
;
For I hea r d some fel l ows tel lShe k i sses wi th her eyes wi de open .
My Goodn ess !
She’s mi ne, all mi ne !
The sapph i re myste r y of her eyes,
Her l i ps so wa rm and ten de r -sweetThe f r ag r an t ha i r , herbeauty’s p r i ze,
F r om top of head to sole of feet,
She’s mine, all mi ne !
FRATERNITY BROTH ER : “ If you eve r come h ome i nth i s cond i t i on aga i n ,
we’l l ki ck you out !
”
FRATERNITY BROTH ER : “ If I eve r get i n th i s con
She’s mi ne
,all mi ne ! d i ti on aga in I won ’
t wan t to come h ome .
”
Her l ips so wa rm and tende r -sweet,Her lov i ng a rms
,h er soft wh i te hands , BLOCK ( look ing a t a eo-ed)
“ What’s
’er n ame ?”
From gay coi ffu r e tobold sh oe sh ine, HEA D ( looki ng i n the same d ir ect ion) “ May .
”
G ood l o r d ! I hOpe she unde r stands BLOCK :“May wha t ? ”
She’s mi ne, all mi ne ! HEA D :
“May do any th i ng .
Even as Y ou and fil e
I wen t a r ound wi th HelenBecause she knew her stuff .
Because she wasbr oadmi ndedIf the pa r ty got too r ough ;
Because she had a heavy l i n e,
Because she’d laugh an d k i d °
But most of all I guess i t wasBecause the othe r s di d .
Wel l,I th r ew Helen ove rB ecause she kn ew her stuff.
Because she wasbr oadmi ndedIf the pa r ty got too r ough ;
Because she had a heavy l i ne,B ecause she
’d laugh and k id :
But mos t Of all I guess i t wasBecause the othe r s d id .
Thank G od , Spr i ng A i n’
t H er e
In the sp r i ng a young man ’s fancy
Makes h im amo r ous andbold ;In the sp r ing he’
s wi ld and p r ancy,Ful l of pep, and ha r d to h old .
In the sp r i ng, wi th sec ret laugh te r ,Some f ra i l flappe r sets her sna r e ;
A nd the sp r i ng to h im the rea fte rMean s just l i gh te r unde rwea r .
The S I R E N
Ti ny Beds ide B i ts
Aw, go ahead , g r amma r , d i sh me some mo re;
pleaded l i ttle O r i fice i n the t i ny guttu r a l v o ice ofthe th r ee -yea r -old she was .
Y es , even l i ttle Or f ( fo r thus d id her most i n timate gemmun f r iends ca l l her ) hadbeen th r ea tenedby tha t ma lady of the Mah Jonggi ng mi l l i on s
,
pha r yngi ti s . She hadbeen adv i sedby her med icoto e i the r g r ow a heard o r res t her vo ice,but kn owi ng O r i fice as you sha l l
,both we re imposs ible.
“ Let’
s have a bed r oom fa r ce ton igh t,” con ti nued she .
“ I th r i l l a t the p ra tt le of these soph i sti
ca tes of th ree.
”
SO G ranny sta r ted“ Once on a t ime the re we r e th r eebea r s .
“ Ni x,
” rudel y i n te r rupted Orf .
“ Cha th i nk th i s
i s ? He re I am,just about d r agged to hereangone
a fte r danci ng t i l l th i s h ou r (Th r ee coo coos had
s ta r ted thei r se renade) and you sp r i ng tha tbunkon me . G imme sompu r i skay .
”
“ Wel l,da r l i ng,” con ti nued the octagon ,
“ I havejus t fin i shed a mos t i n te r est i ngbi tby O l i ve r Bohookus W’
hoozi s, ca l led ‘I
’Ve D ese r t D we l le r s .
’ D oesthat soun d a l lu r ing ? ”
Sa id r igh t,” quoth O r i fice.
“ Spee l on .
The p iece open s,”began G r andmoth e r,i n a
l i tt le cabi n h otel on the edge Of the F0 YoungD ese r t . Th r ee sheiks have d r i fted ove r to the c le r k’
s
desk to s i gn up fo r an even i ng i n one of the r oomsi n the h ote l ove r l ooki ng an a l ley . They needs mus thave r estbefo r e taki ng up the i r l ong j ou r ney ove rthe dese r t .
” The' old lady coughed .
“ Honey, I dowi sh you would stop smok i ng . You’r e r ui n i ng myhea l th .
”
“Jus
’a s you say sweeties , obl iged our he r o i ne
as she doused the g l im of her El l’respi ro, Rose O f
the B las t Fu r nace .
“ St i ck to i t ; you’ r e go i ng g r ea t .
”
“ We l l,these she iks spy a l ove ly wh i te ma i den s i t
t i ng i n th i s he l l h ole . They i n v i te h er to have a
ci ga r . She does . A fte r seve r a l puffs on the s togieshe tel ls them her name i s A scet ic Jones . The
th r ee she iks g lance at each o the r wi th a la rm . Theyhadbeen h os ts to the n oto r i ous up l i fte r , A sceti cA n t i J on es . What sh ou ld they do ? The younges tof the th r ee a sk s the lady ( she wa s too ) to openher mouth and cl ose her eyes . She compl ies . He
s tuffs her mouth wi th abonbon wh ich la te r tu r n sout tobe r ea l ly n oth i ngbut. p la ste r pa r i s s tuffedw i th g ra ted po i s on - i vy and I
'
Or i gan . The womand r ops to the fl oo r dead .
”
“ Y up, d r opped dead, po i sonet con t i nued G r andMomme r . “ \Ve1 1
,the th r ee she i ks shake h ands and
leave the j o i n t— then
B ut Or f wa s a l ready sn o r i ng and i t was not
mo r e than seven mi nutesbefo r e the aged pe r son
had j o i ned her i n the ch o r us . It seemed to G randma tha t she had sleptbut a l i ttle when the ozonewa s r en tby l i ttle O rf wi th a p ie r c i ng
“ Eek . My gawd , i t’s r a i n i ng i n ,
an d i f you don ’tc l ose tha t w i ndow my pe rmanen t wi l lbe all he l ledup .
”
One man ate h i s suppe r i n Ni aga rabecause hewas a f r a i d he would not l i ke Buffa l o meat .
D r iven to D eath
(A True Confes s -ion, Il’
e Jus t Couldn ’t
K eep Secret)Geo rge was neve r
,i n my m i nd , the so r t of a f el
low who couldbe led to rui n over a g i r l . Not the
type who, when r ejected , would attempt to k i ll h imse l f . Tha t i s why , a t the Ph i Pho Phum p r om,
when
I found h im i n a dazed con di t i on on the ve r anda ,Iwonde r ed the s l i gh testbi t .
I n oti ced,of cou r se, that the re was a r evol ve r i n
h i s hand , and I saw,too
, thebl ood on h i s sh i r tf r on t . But I was notbothe r ed at th i s .
“ Geo rge,” I wh i spe red i n to h i s ear,“ Te l l me
about her . Who i s she ?”
“ Not— n ot a. gi r l ,” he managed to say .
Then Geo rge, what was i t ? ” I sh otback at
h im .
I r eca l l h i s wo r ds . They we re the last he eve rspoke .
“
A las , i t was a shame . A nd he was such a
c lean lad, too . That’s the r eason fo r i t all, I guess .
“ I— I— got a cold ,” he je rked out .
“ I sn eezeand— an— I sneeze—an— I had— da—bl ow my
n ose— an— I came'
away— wi th out— wi thout a
’th out —a
He fe l l ove r dead .
Poo r Geo rge .
Just for a Change
It was jus t a weekbefo r e the sen i o r p r om. A ngy ,a rus t ica puella , a s usua l sti l l san s da te , wasbl ott i ng up some g r oce r ies a t the B r oken Sauce r wheni n wa lked Hen r y
,the footba l l h e r o, to do l ikewi se .
They hadbeen i n t r oduced once,but Hen r y wouldnot adm i t i t. A ngy wo r sh i pped Hen r y f r om a fa r ,because that was as c l ose a s she cou ld get .
IVhen our B eau B rumme l of the g r id i r on sat
down a t the same table wi th A ngy shebecame so
exc i ted she used her kn i fe to s ti r the coffee . Hen r y ,bei ng n oth i ng i f not a gen t leman ( so he wa s mostly n o th i ng ), flashed her
'
h i s famous sm i le . A ngyn ea r ly passed out wi th j oy .
When the handsomebrute a sked her fo r thecoveted da te, A ngy pi nched he r sel f to see i f she wasd r eami ng
Aha, you are fooled
,she wasn
’
t .
The S I R E N
_ nu— lm—m— lln— ml _lm— l l ll —In—|m
a ene
semes r ?
We won’t take theblame for
anyon e who flunked, nor the
credi t for anyon e who
passed.
We a re sor ry and glad and
a ll tha t ,but - tha t i s just asfar as we can go .
But n ext s emes ter’
s di ffer
en t . We w i ll sell you anybook tha t we have in stock
s ix weeks ahead o f your firs texam s (about tha t , o f
cour se) w i thout a figh t .
A nd we’
ll take care o f tha tdollar un ti l you leave
school, and give i t to you to
pay your car fare home
when dad doesn’t an swer the
w i re .
Tha t’s fa i r , i sn ’t i t?
H A dolla r mak es you a membe r .2 . Y ou can buy a ll you r book s and
supp l i es h e r e .
3 . Y ou sh a r e i n th e p r ofits p r opo rt i onately to you r pu r chases .
4 . You r dolla r i s r etu r ned to you
wh en you leave sch ool .
Illi no i s " Only ( Jo-opera t ive B ookstor e— m|—M— lm—nu—IIH— IHl— l l l l — Ilu— “lI—III—INI- u‘l Illl— luI— llII— ll
’
N Every th ing—” Up to D ate
She’s got a pa i r of eyes that pa ra lyze
’n
’
eve r y th i ng ;She
’s got a l i ne. of guff that’
s n ice an’ r ough
’n eve r yth i ng .
A nd when I take her out fo r ch owShe ea ts l ike th i r teen cow :
’n eve r yth ing .
She’s qui te a f r a i l ; she took my ka le, sen t me to ja i l ,
’n eve r yth i ng .
"
(Colleeti oclg as i n
The Song U nseasonableOh
,would tha t we two we re a -Mayi ng .
In yonde r fields whe re da i s i es ca l l ,Whe r e othe r l ove r s one and all
Have gon e to set thei r hea r ts a - sway i ng .
Oh,would that we two we r e a -May i ng .
Aga i n (The Refra i n)Y es
,wou ld that we two we r e a -May i ng,
A s'
lovers di d i n days of yo reWhen l ove was wha t the wo r ld l i ved fo r
A n d n o hea r t eve r knewbet ray i ng .
Oh,would that we two we re a -Mayi ng .
Once More (The Surpr i se)(A lso : Change of Meter)
But n owadays , as we all kn ow ;Folks neve r a -May i ng go.
A nd th ough they di d , we wouldn ’t,Ma r y,
’Cause i t a i n’t May ; i t’
s Janua r y .
Irv ing Berlin Takes Campustry 4
Now “Ma r y” sa i d“ I
’m All A l one ,Iwi sh I
’d see
“ My Man ,
When down “ Memo r y Lan e r ushed fo r thBoth “ Sam”
and“ D appe r D an
”.
Not f arbeh i n d t ra i led “ Sa l ly” —LookedLi ke “ The End of a Pe r fect D ay,”Stumbl i ng” “ D own Tha t Long, Long T r a i lFor
“ Her Sweet i e Wen t Away .
”
Then up r ode “ Ray i n H i s‘
Li ttle Chev r o letTo ca l l on “ Sa l ly Lou.
”
She was madbut he made her g ladWi th “ No O the r G i r l But Y ou .
”
On “ The Way Up B r oadwayI saw “ Irene” “ Playi ng Tag
A nd “ Mammy” wash i ng wi ndowsYVi th that favo r i te “ Twel fth St reet Rag .
”
Then someon e empti ed “ The Old Oaken Bucket
It was“ Nigh t
”an d s ta r ted to pou r ,
But uvery C l oud Has Its Si l ve r Li n i ng,So “ It A i n
’t G on na Ra in NO Mo r e.
”
The S I R E N
[ 27 ]
The SI R E N
ROBABLY n o oth e r man in th e wo r ld gets as
man y mash n otes as Ido.Ope rat ic teno r s ,p r in ces ,c in ema sh e iks and heavyw e igh t champ ion s get ma i lassay ing m o re pe r fume per pound th an my corre
spondence . B ut th e i rbillets -doux can ’
t equal the w i lden thus iasm , the perfe rv id p rai se , th at th e pos tmanbr ings me eve r y day .
A n exce rpt from a lette r on Yale Clubs tat ione ryJim , y ou’
ve taken th i rty yea r s off my life. B y that
Imean Men n en Sh av ing C ream chan ges my m iddle
aged s tubble in to sch oolboy c ide r - down .
”
A law ye r w r ites : “
D e rmutat ion is ha rd to pro
n ounce,but easy to do . Th e Men nenbea r d- soften ing
p roces s i s the g reatest d iscove r y s ince A rch im edes
got in to abath - tub.”F r om amanufactu r e r : Ionly w i sh th atmy p roduct
we re as far ah ead of com pet ition as you r s . E veryman in Am e r ica ough t to use you r wonderfu l Sbaving C ream .
”
Abanke r dictated : I hav e r ead you r ads for tenyea r s and neve rbe l iev ed th em . But now that Ihave
t r ied y ou r c ream Iknow y ou r cla im s (ev en includ ingcold wate r) are u lt ra-con se rvat ive . Buyi ng Mennen
Shav ing C ream is l ike p icking up U . S. Stee l atF r om offices ,clubs ,Y .M.C.A .
’
s and homes , the avalanche of eulogy pou r s in . Many even resort to ve r seto exp r es s th e i r fee l ings . For a new th r i l l and shav ing
emancipat ion , get at 50C tube of Menn en
Shav in g C r eam at th e d rug s to re today .
Th en fo r an oth e r eye - open e r , s quamder two -bits fo r a t in of Menn enTalcum
for Men— jus t the colo r , con s istency
and odo r that r eal men l ike. It won’
t
sh ow wh ite on y ou r face .
SHAUIHG CRED N
Confess i onal C r edo of a CampusKulturkampf
Ibe l ieve tha t Nietz sche i s the g rea tes t ph i l osophe rwho eve r l i ved .
I wi sh I could unde r s tand h im.
Ibe l ieve tha t Ame r ican s are on ly s l igh tl y mo re cul
tured than an th r opo i ds ,My n ame i s Cha r ley J ones . I l i ve at 45 Ma i n St r eet
,
Podunk .
Ibel ieve tha t mov i es are the negat i on of art,butI ado r e Rudolph Va len ti no .Ibel ieve on ly th ree n ove l i sts i n the wo r ld are wo r th
men t i on i ng . They are : Con r ad,D r ei se r ,
F ran ce .
Some day I i n tend to r ead them.
Ibel ieve tha t ce l ibacy i s the s tamp of superor i ty .
I am tobe ma r r ied i n June .
Ibel ieve I am a gen ius ,butThe wo r ld i s p r ejudi ced aga i n s t me.
Ibel i eve tha t H . L. Mencken i s a g reat w r i te rbecause
I can un de r stand h im.
-m|—uu— lm —nu —nu— ml —nu— u|n—un—nu—m|—nu—m|— 1 n— flu
I College Men can Benefit byJERREMS SALE
A ll th e mater ials so much i n _deman d by exacting college men— Tweeds , Bannockbu r n s ,
En g l i shWo r steds , etc
, , are included , as wel l as yea r’ r ound we i g h ts .
Many new patte r ns i n Sp r i n g Impo r tat ion s n owshow i ng .
En g li s h Tr avel Coa ts are i deal
f or T ravel or E a r ly Sp r i ng Wea r .
AND SPORT CLO THES
324 SOUTH MICHIGAN AVE .
(McCorm i ck Bui ld i ng )71 E ast Mon roe St . 7 No r th Lasa lle St.
CHICAGO
w—m I||I—|l ll— [Ill— lfll— "u— "u _uu—ml— lm—n—m—In
The A nnua l Between -Season s Sa le ofJerrems C l othes i s a Rea l Oppo r tun i ty to
SAVE MONEY .
Sui t w i th Extra Tr ousers or
Kn ickers at the pr ice of theSui t alon e
$65 to $1 10
[ 30 ]
powde r onc l imbi n to Ludwi g’
s sn appy r oads te r , Is omet imes n o t ice No rma
,my r oommate
,
a lways s i tt i ng wa tch i ng me w i th one eye
i ng s ometh i ng tha t Edd ie G ues t w r oteothe r . A nd
,th i nki ng about her say i ng tha
man tha t had eve r ki ssed her was her secobefo r e h e left fo r D un n i ng, I used to feelher . But not too so r r y .
Paus ing a
pe r fume on the f r on t of theca l led her even i ng d r ess ,befo rl ong even i ng wi th the sack , I
da r ned pecul ia r tha t she wassame da te I had floa ted downbefo r e she had used the W on dego c r azy . A nd I kn ew Ludwig,
all ca re to the wel l -kn ownbreeze,fo rget she wasn ’t an a l l iga to r wheher, and she
’d come h ome wi
powde red a rmsblack andblue and
da red h ope fo r tha t— ablack eye. Then I
take her i n my a rms and fee l so r r y fo r hernot too so r ry .
She Was
Her eyes wer eblue,A nd on her checks wer e dimp les two .
Her sk i n was fa i r ,A nd c r own i ng her wa s da r kes t ha i rHer teeth wer e wh i te
,
A n d shone l i ke gems when fla shed a t n igh t .
Her lips were sweet ;A ki ss f r om them was su r e a t r ea t .
Her ank les slim,
But s t r a igh t an d s teady, n ea t a nd t r im .
Her con tou r cu r vesOh
,wha t a s igh t , my v i s i onblu r s .
Her vo i ce a songO f h on eyed sound , c lea r , me llow,
s t r ong .
Her speech wa s gay .
A smi le,a laugh , and on her way .
Boy ,— hot k i sses
,
Now, gosh darn i t, she’
s a MRS.
Y OU TELL’EM
The o r chest r a played r aptu r ously . Fo r ty coup lesswung , now h e r e, n ow the r e, i n g raceful r hythmSudden l y the mus i c s topped .
“ Mo r e ! Mo r e !”c r ied th i r ty -n i ne . The othe r wa s dan ci ng wi ththe chape r one.
Just as You Always Feelmo r e se lf-assu r ed i f y ou k now you are wel l d r ess ed , so
w i l l you r lette r s imp rove wh en you r s ta t ion e r y sui ts you ri n d i v i dua l i ty. It h elps a. lot to know that you r s tat ione r yi s co r r ect .
SoldbySTUD ENT SUPPLY STORE
U of I SUPPLY STORE
FINE STATIONERY D EPARTMENTHAMPSHIRE PAPER COMPANY So. Had ley Fa lls , Mass .
B . A . STRAUCH
The S I R E N
Qk u __nu— ym—nu—nu—nu —m| —ln — lm— IlII—Iln—Illl —nn
B A I L E Y a n d H I M E SThe Studen t Supply Stor e
Be Preparedfor the Secon d Semester
Use a G r eenback Notebook
The G r eenback i s so bui l t tha t the
cove r can n ot pu ll. away f r om the r i ngs .
A ny G r eenback i s un condi t i ona l ly gua ran teed .
1 1 x Regula ti on Repo r t734 x 5 a s i ze popula r wi th Co -eds
I Paper! Paper! Paper!
IIammerm i ll pape r goes i n to our theme
pad s an d n o te pape r as we l l as ourbondtypew r i te r pape r , a lways r equest the l lamme rmi l l wa te r ma r k i n you r pape r . A ssu reyou r sel f o f thebest i n qua l i ty .
Th eme Paper Note PaperRhet . 10Paper
All on H ammerm ill
606 East G r een St r eetCh uck Ba i ley Sh e lby H imes
nu- nu— m—nu— lm— llll —m|—m|- ml — m:— Illl — llfl — m — ug
The S I R E N
U O F I S U P P L Y S T O RE A LW A Y S O N T H E S Q U A RE
The Studen t and h is The Tale o f the
Laundry Box Foun ta in Pen
The laund r ybox has come tobe an es
sen t i a l pa r t of s tuden t li fe . Its l igh tnessmakes i t. ve r y cheap to ma i l one’
s laund r yhome tobe done wi th th e fami ly wash i ng ;a qua r te r a week wi l l cove r you r laund r ybi l l .
Ive ha ve a complete l i ne of Kwi k -Pak Pa rker'
s D uofold Con klin ’
s Eudura
o Po
Wh "
,laund r y cases ; wh 1 te Khak i ,bha offm 3 L i fet ime
ex t ra ca rdboa r d l i ne r s , 35e all a re gua r an teed a l i fe t ime .
WRIG HT GREEN
[ 32 ]
Your 1925
Resolut ion
to have on ly the bes t ofp r in t i ng fo r th i s new yea rcanbes tbe ca r r ied outbylett i ng us l ook a fte r you rneeds .
Y ou Won’
t Fa il
tobe p leased , fo r plea s i ngoui pa t i on s i s ourbig a imand makes eve r yone of ourcustome r s come back fo ran othe r he lpi ng of r ea lp r i n t i ng .
Marr iott 81 M ilesPr inters
Succeed in g Ma r r iott 's P r in t Sh op1 1 0 N . Wa lnut Phone 1 698
Upsta i r stion—m—ln—lm—1u—m—ln—nn—m—ln—m|—zin—nn
-lm
-m—:m—:u—nu—m—ll—ln—ln—n—:l
—uo! o
Buy i ng a foun ta i n pen i s today an easy,pleasan t ta sk i f you come he re. A ll our pens
a i e gua i an teed so all tha t rema i n s i s to find
on e that fi ts youi hand an d style of w r i ti ng . To a i d you The Co op ca r r ies a ve i yla rge s tock of pen s by a dozen d i li e1 en t
make r s . Y ou can’t he lp fi nd i ng thebest
one fo r you.
r
1
lllllllllllllllllllllll.l
4°
1
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
1I
lI
I
I
I
I
lI
I
I
I
I
I
lI
1
— oi '
85
Y ou can’t m is take a GELV IN sui t for any o ther . Men who
take pr ide in the i r appear an ce va lue th i s di s tin ction . These
n ewest sack coa ts are cut ra ther full and shor terbut re ta inthe n arrow eflect at the hips . The trousers are even longer and
w ider thanbefore .
This n ew style i s'
verybecom ingly worked out in each o f
the var ious models in a w ide range o f sm ar t pa ttern s and shades .
Men who pr i de them selves onbe ing judges o f clo th ing valuesr ealiz e tha t n everbe fore have such super ior sui ts and top coa tsbeen oflered at such low pr ices .
EA ST GREEN STREET
The S I R E N
O1
"_
n—n —u—u—u— n — m— m— m— m—m Professors WIZ iC/Z oleu—u—mc—n—n—n—m—n—u—n —n—n
A re What
Lookin ’
for Your
Buddy?
A ll you rbudd ies wi l l
m—m—m—m—nu—rm—m—m—m—n—n—u—u—m—u—m—n—n—n—n—u—u—n—x—s—n—u
be the re .
Best Floor
Best Mus ic
Best Crowd
More Fzm
On G reen St reetS lMON P. QUA FF
As s is tant inst ructo r on“ Mo rpho l
ogy of Inve rtebrates "
.
Ins is ts onbe TVC'
T’G LoSt 7M? Key
ing ca l led “ D octo r .” Loves C r 'os su—n — lfi—W— flI —W—W— Ilfl—ml—m—Il
wo rd PuZ Z Ies .-lll —ll l— lln—m— ll—m—w—nu—n—u—n—n
STUD ENT TA ILORS
Men’
s Furn ishings
51 8 EAST GREEN STREET
— I — Il — Il—N —m—m|—m—n —nu—m|—n|| —n||—m|—|m —mug - imp - mue —|m
[ 2 ]
?I
—Il
Atten t ion , Lad ies
Why no t di ne at the Twin
C i ty . We se r ve de l ici oussandwiches . A nd th ose r ea lVi rg i n ia G o l d c n B r ownWaffles .
TWIN C ITYCAFE
The S I R E N
Famous Words of Famous TextbookWr i ter s
(A s the Modem Temtbook lVi ' i te-fr lVould ha ve It.)“What a tex tbook w r i te r d ies i n me I”
—PROF. NERO,37-68 A . I) .
Notby speeches and r esoluti on s of maj o r i t iesa re the migh ty p r oblems of the age tobe sol ved,but:by textbooks !”
— PROF. B ISMARCK,1 898.
Ge rmany’s g r eatnes s makes i t imposs ible to do
wi thout textbook w r i te r s .
”
VVILI-IELM II.
,PH . D .
,1 900.
Ph i losophe r Textbook w r i t i ng IS an art .
PROF. LENIN,1 924 .
A IR i s the meanest substance in th e wo r ld ,sa id th e Pullman Ph i losoph e r . “
He re on my He was abo ld man who fi r s t w r ote a textbald spot wh e re I want it,I can
’
t raise it . W h e reas book .
”
on my face I have no use for it ,but it g row s the r el ike weeds . Ihaven
’
t sh aved todaybecause p ity formy suff e r ing face stay s my razo r hand.
”
I th d f M‘
d I“
th hThe r e i s a ti de i n the affa i r s of men
n e wor s o unyon , sa i ere i s ope .
And 1 made a d ive for my sample case.
VVhICh taken at the flood,leads on to textbook w r i ting
— PROF. JONATH AN SWIFT .
In two m inutes I had h im s tand ing in front of a — D R “ Hu m “ SHAK ESPEAREwash -bow l— coat and col la r ohvand s leeves rol led up.
1
“
It’
s no use , he groaned ,“
the wate r ’s cold and th israzo r is dul l.” “
Fo rget it , was mybrutal comeback.
“
W o rk that hal f- inch o f Mennen Shav ing C ream into
lath e r . U se p lenty of Mr. Pullman’
s a rctic aqua.
D on’
tboth e r w ith tow els or finge r rubbing.
“
Now it’
s all ove rbut the shav ing, I exp la ined .
That s lathe r o f lathe r has changed you rbr ist l ingW h iske r s into soft , p in feathe r s . Scient is ts cal l th isMennen act ion
‘
derm utat ion .
’
Y o u’IIcall it a m i rac le .
”
A fte r a few eas y ra zo r s t rokes h is face was as
smooth as a gi r l’s . The Ph ilosoph e r w rung my handin g rat itude.
“
Just ruba l itt le of th is Mennen Skin B alm in to
you r h ide ,” I di rected.
“
It d isappea r s r ight aw ay
no grease , a p leasan t odo r , an d i t makes you r facefee l g reat.”
“
D on’
t thankme, Iinte r rupted h is hymn of p ra ise ,
th ank the Mennen chem ists who have c reated a
Shav in g C ream that makes wh iske r s su r rende r anda Skin Ba lm that makes faces sm ile.
”
You r d ruggis t has 50C tubes of Mennen Shav ingC r eam—
and tubes of Mennen Skin B alm at th e same
p r ice. A wo r d to th e w ise
SHCIUIHG ( RED M
[ 4 ]
The S I R E N— u_ —n —m—m —m—w — u—m_—n_ -_n
Wher e the G ang Meets to Eat
MUSIC EVERY AFTERNOON AND SUND AY
-l_n - Il -_u—u—u — lIl— IE— n — l — lfl — Ilfl— lll — lll—III— ln—u— n — u —u —H
D iary of 0 D ubFeb. 1
,l92f —“ Today Ibough t mysel f
.
a n i ce
new textbook fo r mv cou r se i n Fi sh Ma r keti ngFeb. 3
,1 925 —“ The P r of . ass igned the fi r st
twen ty pages of the textbook . I can’t make much
sen se out of i t so far .
”
Feb. 5,1 925 got the w r ong a s s ignmen t . The
P r of . wan ted the fi r st twen ty pages of Chapte r One .
I r ead the fi r st twen ty pages i n thebook,i nc lud i ng
the i ndex,the p r eface, the i n t r oducti on ,
the tableof con ten ts
,ann ouncemen ts
,etc. The P r of . i n sul ted
me .
Feb. 7,1 925— P r of . told us to r ead Ch apte r 25
fl — n — n — ,u— u_m—m—u—M—w—m—M—n —u_m—m—m—m—In —M—ln— u —n _m —m_ — n — n —n - m—m
058 L0 0 are 720
Also , the Complete Lin e with the Un ivers ityof Illino is Seal
See our B eautiful D ance Programs and Favors
BURR-PATTERSON CO .
D ETROIT,MICHIGAN
A . L. BRA D SH AW . D i s tr ict Represen ta ti ve— 1 07 E . D ANIEL
,Loca l H eadqua r ter s
MAIN 21 93
fl — tln— Il —I —WI_ III -_Ifi - |TJ — fl l—Nl— llfl—U — fl —|II— ID l— III— fi - fli - flfl- m- ll—m—fl — n —fl —n —U— u—n —U_fl —fl*[ 6 ]
i n the tex tbook fo r today . The re are on l y twel vechapte r s i n mybook !”
Feb. 1 5,1 925— “ Had a qui z on the tex tbook to
dav . I got an E— l”
Feb. 1 8,1 925— “ The r e mus tbe someth i ng w r ong
wi th my tex tbook !”Feb. 22
,1 925— “ The fe l l ow who s i ts n ex t to mebr ough t h i s textbook to class today . It i sn
’t thesame co lo r as mi ne.
”
Feb. 28,1 925— “ The j oke’
s on me ! I l ooked at
the ti t le page of my textbook today . It’s abook on
“ Popu lat i on P r oblems,
” i n stead of Fi sh Ma rketing .
He re I’ve been s tudyi ng the w r ong text fo r a
mon th !”
Sonn et to a TextbookTool of some dev i l i sh wi t -accu r sedbookTha tbr i ngeth mo r ta l agony on menA nd ha r r ies them wi th th ingsbeyond thei r kenSo that eve r they needs seek some musty n ookA nd the r eby all thei r fel l ow men fo r sookMus t r ead and r ead and r ead and r ead aga i n
E lsebe ma rked an“ E”by some p r o fesso r ’s pen
Th i s day we cl ose thee fla t nor wi l l we l ook .
A t thee th i s day we laugh and make our jes tA n d wande r ’r oun d the town wi th happy me i n ,But thou
’llbe the r e when we retu r n
,oh pes t
Of pes ts to make abed lam of ourbean !But let us laugh and dance the wh i le we mayAye, tu r n the page and chase dul l ca r e away !
S
I hea r you r mothe r - i n -law i s dead .
“ Y es . I acci den t ly sh o t her .
”
My ; that’s toobad . How d i d i t happen9”
“ She stepped i n f r on t of my wi fe jus t $1 8 1 fi red .
”
— Chaparra l.
You rbes t e f f o rt s wh e n s e
cep t ed , w i ll po pu la r i ze you rC o m i c w i th m i llio n s i n
Th e Bes t Com ed y i n Am er i ca
C h i c a g o
The S I R E N
nouncement :
is nowpublished every mon th
OU w i ll find you rbes t m a t er ia l a t
lead
in g n a t ion a l figu res a s
Step hen LeacockMered i th NicholsonEllis Parker Butler
Steph en Vin cen t Ben etKa tha r in e BrushArthur Somers RocheGeorge Jean Na thanD onald Ogden StewartH . C . Wi twerJam es Mon tgomery FlaggJoh n T. McCu tch eon
Cove rsby
D avid R. Solomon
Ph yllis D ugan n eThyra Sam te r Win slowCourtn ey Ryley CooperD ana Burn et
Cosmo Ham i ltonWa llace IrwinPercy Ma rksRobert Ben ch leyOctavus Roy Coh enD o ro th y D ow
Rolf Arms trong, Pen rh yn Stan laws , Joh n Held , Jr . ,
and o th e rsO th er Il lus t rat o r s for 1 925
Arthur Wi lliam Brown , R. F. Schabeli tz , G i lbe r tWilkin son , Ralph Ba r ton , Fra n klin Boo th .
James Mon tgom e ry Flagg, Joh n Collin s ,and Cha rles Sa rka
[ 7 ] p
The S I R E N34 ) IT NO \V D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NO
earn s ou t wom en rom
BEVERLYth e sweet
Sou th ern
Gir l
Eve r y fa l l our San i ta r iums are fil led wi thw recked ‘
aun ts'
who ha vebeen chape r on ingvaca t ion pa r t ies o f“
sweet Southe r n gi r ls .
They are the o r igina l cl inging v ines , and
Beve r ly was one o f them . She was a lwayslosing something . Or her shoe hu r t . Or
something was in her eye . She was su rethe re we re snakes in that g rass . Was tha t
a spide r ? Her g r eatest men ta l exe r t ionwas to call for a coca- cola .
I took her to the ope ra, when she carne to
New Yo rk . Iwh i spe red : “
The r e’
s Je r i tza !S/ze: Id
’
clare ! Which, the man o r the gi r l ?I: The gi r l , of cou rse .
Size: Wha t show is this?I: Tosca . It
’
s an ope ra .
S/ze: Id’
clare l My foot su re does hu r t .
I: Sh ! They’re go ing to s ing Strange
Harmon i es .
Size: Uh- huh .
"
D o you suppose i t wouldmat te r i t l took my shoe OH?
I: Er I don ’
t kn ow . That’
s
Bodansky conduct ing .
Size:’
Iwish'
he had a few saxaphones .
1 0 issues f o r $2
TEAR IT OUT TEAR IT OUT TEAR IT OUT TEA R IT O UT FILL IT IN FILL IT - IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN
T
NO'W
DO
I
IT
NOWDO
Van i ty Fai r,G reenwich, Conn . Name, etc
D ea r Van i ty Fai rIam glad to lea rn the secret of Beve rly van Sielen ’
s
success . But I happen to know that Bas il himselfisn
'
t really such abr ightbi rd . For s ix yea rs he hastaken Va n i ty Fa i r . Which reminds me , enclosed find
0TWO D OLLARS to cove r the cos t o f TENISSUES. C
Q Illus tra t ion copy r igh tby Van i ty Fair Q
PIN 'rwo B UCK S PIN TWO BUCK S PIN TWO BUCK S D O rr Now D O IT NOW D O IT Now D O IT NOW D O w No“
No. 2
A t suppe r I t r ied new con ve rsa t iona lstances . Pau l Manship Ma r ie Lau r encin Mah Jong The thea t reBooks Spo r ts . She topped e ve r yba l l .The knockout was when she asked i f thewa i te r had an aspi r in tablet .
That ve r y n ight I fil led out a Van i ty Fai rsubsc r ipt ion coupon for Beve r l y . It wasf r om Van ity Fa i r tha t I had obta in ed myown sta r t “
as a man o f the wo r ld It wil lchange her, too I sha ll comeback in a
few mon ths She will'
no longe rbe a
dumbora Imight p r opose . On ly a
few mon ths .
But, s ix weeks la te r , I r ead of her engage
men t to Basi l van Sielen , the mos t el ig iblebachelo r in New Yo rk, pat r on of the mode rna r ts, whose ‘
m il l ion dolla r mansion had lc‘ mgawa ited a mis t ress whose social g r aces we reequa l to his own .
Why don ’
t you subsc r ibe for some sweet
Southe rn gi r l ?
The S I R E N
If the A cknowledgem en t Theory Wer e
C ar r i ed to the Ultimate
( l‘oyo x xx i v from th e i n troduc toy s ec t ion of Pro f .
II"
. S .
'
1’
r ecen tly publi s h ed h urt on“ The
Vi ew: of Ich thyology :
A C K N O W L E I) ( l E M E N 'l.‘S
“The autho r of the p r esen t wo r k wi shes to
ackn owledge h i s i ndebtednes s to the fo l l owi ng whohave. a i ded h im i ndefi n i te ly : To J ohann G utenbe rgi nd W
'
i l l iam Cax ton fo r the i nes timable se r v i cesi n the p r i n ti ng f ie ld ; To Ben jami n F r ank l i n fo r h i se ffo r ts i n imp r ov i ng p r i n t i ng method s ; ,To O ttoMe rgen tha le r fo r h i s excellen t s e r v ices i n the Li n
o - typc r ealm ; To the i n ven to r of the e lect r otypi ngp r ocess wh ich has g r ea tly fac i l i tated the p r oduc~
ti on of th i s volume :'I‘
o l-lammarabi fo r h i s i n te rest i h thebette r i ng of papy rus and the i n t r oducti onof imp r oved des ign s i n pape r ; To Wa l te rRa leigh an d h i s a s soci ates
,who i n su r ed. the pre
dom i nance of the B r i t i sh i n No r th Ame r ica so that
I havebeen able to w r i te i n Engli sh ; To Mr . Rem
lugton fo r the pe r fect i on of the typew r i te r on wh i chthe manusc r ipt of th i s wo rk was w r i tten ; To Mr .
Ilammermi ll fo r h i s exce llen t pape r wh i ch was
used i n the w r i ti ng of the '
man uscr i pt ; To Messe r s .
G lobe a nd We r n i ck fo r the i r pe r fecti on of the deskon wh ich I w r ote ; To Messe r s . Ligget and Mye r swhose exce l len t tobacco s t imu lated mebv i ts f r agrance :
rl
‘
e the Edi to r s , ( lopyreaders , P r oofreade r s ,
Si r
P r i n te r s , I’ressmen
,B i n de r s , Sh i ppe r s, Loade r s ,
(‘
han ffeurs,T r a i n '
men , D raymen and Sa lesmen
th r ough wh ose hands th i s wo r k wi l l r each i ts r eaders : To the late M. Cuna r d
,on wh ose sh i p I was
pe rmi tted to en j oy a t r ip abr oad i n sea rch of mater ia l fo r my wo r k ; To the vari ous gove r nmen ts
,
F rench , Belgium, B r i t i s h , Ita l ian ,Span i sh , i nc lud
i ng the Scand i nav ian , unde r wh ose flags I have suc
cess i vely pu r sued my i n ves tiga t i on s ; To the h os t ofki nd f r iends who have l i s tened t i r e less ly to the
r ead ing and r e r eadi ng of the manusc r i pt ; A n d
fina l ly to the Li tt le lVoman who, th r oughout all th i s
wo r k , hasbeen no t on ly my l ov i ng compan i on an d
dea r es t pa l,but a lso my sereves t c r i t ic .
Cor : “ He r e yo u,you’vebeen speedi ng !
”
STL’
D E :“ Hones t , office r Ibeen s i tti ng r ight he r e
i n the f r on t sea t of th i s auto all a fte r n oon !”
'
c l,I d i dna ken .\lac l’herson
,we r e tear i n
’
down h i s auld hause tobui ld an i the r ? ”“Mon
,hae ye n o hea r d 0
’h i s mi s
drappi t a penny doon a ra t h o le !”He
D eduction
F i ve li ttle textbooks full of teacher’
s lo r e ;’
I’
h rr'ir mon cr took it’
l‘h ctd out.
Then th er e wer e four
Fon t li ttle tca' tboolizs,d ry a s dry coul dbe ;
Someon e sen t a.bo ttleThen th er e were thr ee .
’l’hr co li ttle tcr tbooh s
,s tand ing in to r aw ;
(Well,d i n ne r dd tcs cos t money ! )
So (m o ther had to yo .
Two li ttle towtbooh s,open ed jus t for fun ,
The f i r s t of the mon th come’round on time
Then . th er e was on e !
One lon ely textbook,lonely ( ls couldbe.
Aw,1 1 ell!
Tha t wen t, too !
S
P rof. A rch ie Jo h nba ld Ba re ly, L. L. D ., Ph . Al. B a l
ways w r ite s h is textbook f rom pe rs ona l expe r ie nce . He reh e is gat h e r i ng mate r ia l f o r a fort hcom i ngbook on
“ Mun ic i pa l P roblems .
”
Is aac Wa lton w r ites t h e f i r s t textbook on .
“ Fis h
Cultu re .
”
— s
Absolute Formula
The“ fo l l owi ng fo rmula wi l l en able the p r ofesso r
who con templates publ i sh i ng a new tex tbook tocompute co r r ect to the fi fth decima l p lace the ln
come f rom the sa le of h i sbook .
Th i s fo rmula i s gua r an teed to coun t you r eggsbefo re they’r e hatched wi th pe r fect ce r ta i n ty and
accu r acy . Simp ly substi tute and sol ve fo r ‘w’
(d 0 f t (I.
Whe r ea: the p r ofi ts f r om the tex tbook ;( t the numbe r of s tuden ts i n th e cou r se :0 a coeffici en t di ffe r i ng fo r the va r i ous
colleges ;(l tota l numbe r of pages i n text ;c numbe r of pages i n i ndex , append i x ,
etc
n umbe r of pages i n p r eface , con ten ts ,etc. ;
numbe r o f cop ies p r i n ted ;p publ i sh e r ’s sha r e of cos t :t (
T
o -op’s p r ofi ts ;
(1 typew r i te r r en t :o pape r , i nk , stamps , ove r head ;
ave r age p r ice of othe rbooks on same
subject ;n Numbe r ofbook s i n p r i n t, i nc ludi ng
p r oposed text .
1 1
The S I R EN
If webroug h t a ll our textbook s to t h e c las s room !
Practi cal Uses for TextbooksIt i s n ot gene r ally kn own tha t tex tbooks ha ve
p r acti ca l uses . The p r eva len t opi n i on he ldby the
ave r age Ame r ican col lege studen t i s tha t a usefultextbook i s not a Howeve r , the r e a re
seve r a l uses to wh i ch a t ex tbook maybe put, wi thout d i spe l l i ng th i s an c i en t. t r adi ti on .
For i n s tan ce, a tex tbook , placed unde r one leg
of a lop -s i ded table, wi l l exe r t a ma r ve l ous ly s tabil ixi ng i nfluence on that pi ece of fu r n i tu r e .
O r,aga i n ,
i f one does n ot own a lop-s ided table
( i f the r ebe such a man ! ) one wi l lbe pleasan tlysu rp r i sed at the r esul ts obta i nedby us i ng thebooka s a n eckt ie p r ess . Obv i ously , the la rge r and mo reexpen s i ve the tex tbook , thebette r the r esults tobeobta i ned . Lawbooks wi l lbe found most exce l len t .
Othe r sugges ted uses a re :
1 . Th r ow i t at the f r eshman when a padd le i sn ot w i th in reach .
2 . Send i t h ome fo r you r youngbr othe r to s i t
on wh ile p ractici ng at the p ian o .3 . Ca r ry you r ma i l i n i t when i t r a i n s . The
ma i l won’t get wet .
4 . Rea l i ze on the o r igi n a l out lay . Se l l i t at a
booksto re, and h ave a good week -en d date.
5. Last ly, thebook i s i nevi tably wo r n i n di s
gui si ngonese l f as a Un i ve r s i ty studen t . Try i t and
The S I R E N
HOW T O WRIT E A'
TEXT BOOK
( Ea sy a nd. S imp le Les sons f or th e Ins t ructor W h o Wan ts to Get A long .)
Th e fi r s t thi ng to do i n w r i t i ng a
textbook i s to comp i le you r academ i ct i tles . For i n stance , i f you are th e
p r oud fa th e r o f such t i t les a s Ph . D
L. L . D A . A . G . O . , D . D . , C . P . A
Fe l low o f th e Roya l Soc i ety of A n t i
quar i es , Ch eva l i e r i n th e Leg ion o f
Hono r , In te r na l Revenue Office r , A n
c i en t O r de r of H ibe r n ian s , o r membe ro f th e E lk s , Rota r y o r th e Odd Fel
lows , you should cla s s i fy th ese t i tlesi n good i d iomat ic Eng l i sh , and p r i n t ,( n ot w r i te ) th em on ablank , unused
sh eet of pape r . ( In s i s t th at you rp r in te r follow copy on th i s l i s t , i f on
noth i ng e lse . )
Th en . hav i ng made p r ov i s ion fo rth i s impo r tan t i ndex to you r ch a racte r , you can con s i de r you r self wellon th e r ose-s t r ewn path to successfultextbookbr ewi ng . (NOTE : It i s well
fo r a ll wh o con temp late th e w r i t i ng of
a textbook to amass , at th e ea r l i estage pos s ible , a g r eat numbe r of t i t les .
We k now one man wh o sta r ted on h i s
t i tle-
ga th e r i ng debauch , at th e age of
n i ne mon th s , wh en h i s name was
p laced oppos i te Numbe r 32 on th e
C rad le Roll of th e Fi r s t Meth od i stEp i scopa l ch u r ch , No r th an d Wes t .
Th i s t i t le was of g r eatben efit i n late ryea r s , wh en th e ful l—blown i n fan tw r ote a textbook fo r Nu r s e ry Sci en ceIt i s wel l to select a n o r nament for
th e t i tle page next . For i nstan ce , i f
you w r i t i ng abook on Th e T ra i n i n gof th e Reca lci t r an t Mon key-W r en ch ,
a ve r y good o r namen t would be a
h i gh ly i l lum i nated dague r r eotype d e
p i et i n g a c r estfa l len h usban d exh ibi ti ng a bad ly d i sabled th umb, ca lm lyr ecoun t i ng th e steps wh i ch br ough th im to h i s p r esen t p l i gh t . H i s wi fe ,
s tand i ng nea rby, h as clos ed h er eyesto sh ut out th e p i teous s igh t , and i s
s topp i ng h er ea r s w i th both h an ds ,
wh i le w i th th e r ema i n i ng hand sh e
poi nts to Page 364 of th e text .
* ( See
footnote . )
If th i s i s th e autho r ’s fi r s tbook , not
th e lea s t of h i s wo r r i es w i l l be th e
s elect ion of a v i ct im fo r th e ded i ca
t ion . Th i s r equi r es g r eat tact . Th e
Page 3 64 ,
“Th e T r a i n i ng
of Recalci t ran t Mon k ey W r ench es .
”
Th is footnote r ef e r s to Pag e 568,
“Pop
ula r Sup e r s t i t ion s Con ce rn i ng Mon k ey
W r en ch es ,”by th e same auth o r .
auth or mus t be ve r y ca r eful not to
h u r t th e fee l i ngs o f anyone byth ough t less ness i n select ion of h i s“
seve r est c r i t ic an d constan t com
pau ion .
For i n s tance , i f th e autho r h as mo r eth an one w i fe , h e mus t d i sc r im i na te
O r name n t f o r f ront is p i ece of“ The
Ca re a n d Ma i nta i n ence of Reca lc i
t ra nt Mon key W r e nches .
"
(Th is o r name n t w i ll a rous e t h e reade r’s s ym
pat hy, a nd apea i to h is bas icemot ions .)
w i s ely . It i s not our pu r pose at th i s
time to go i n to a d i scuss i on of t r iba lr ela t ion s , th e r efo r e we wi l l lay downn o h a r d and fast r ules as to th i s par
t i cular subject . Howeve r , we r efe ranyon e i n te r es ted i n th i s subject to
th e excellen t t r eat i seby P r of. A lon zoD i ng ledor f , Ph . D . , E lk , Sh i A i , etc ,
some time lectu r e r a t Geo r getown Un ive r s i ty, now s econ d act i n g h ead cus '
tod ian of th e D epa r tment of Ple i s to
cenne Me taphys i cs a t A ngola Tri
State College , on T r iba l Relat ionsAmon g th e Un ga r te r ed Heh -Heh
’
s of
Yucatan , a nd th e Sock less Abo r i g i n esof Spea rm i n t .
Howeve r , we mus t not d ig r es s . Th at
i s th ebus i n es s of th e Texbook w r i te r .[ 1 2 ]
>l=
Hav i ng fol lowed th e above d i rec
t ions to th e lette r , th ebu r den of you rwo r k i s ove r . A ll that r ema i ns is to
w r i te th ebody of th e text , betweenpages 65 and 552 , i nclus i ve . Th i s you
can do wh i le wa i t i ng fo r you r w i feto d r ess f or th e Faculty Folk - D anci ng
clas s .
Next comes th e P r eface .
Th e fi r st th i ng to do i n w r i ti ng th e
P r eface i s to poi n t out all th e sho r tcom i ng s and m i s tak es i n ex i st i ng textbooks on th e subject . The P r eface i senough to try th e mettle of th e sta id
and h abi tua l textbook w r i te r . In i t h e
must ma r sh a l all th e i deas wh i ch
h ave eve r i n t ruded on h i s i n te l lect .
Those w r i te r s wh o do not find th i s
casy w i l l , i n all p r obabi l i ty, find i t
ve r y d i fficult .
Than k i ng a ll of on es colleagues an d
as soc ia tes i s ve r y impo r tan t . No one
mus tbe fo r gotten .
'
Be su r e to thank
th e L ibr a r i an for hun t i ng up th e ma
ter ial, th e r ea l esta te agen t i n th e
apa r tmen t n ext doo r fo r th e use ofh i s typew r i te r , th e Supe r i n tendent ofSt r eets fo r th e use of a sh ovel , th eba rbe r , th e g r oce r , th ebootlegge r , etc.
It i s h a r d ly eth i ca l to th ank th e s ix
teen g r aduate studen ts wh o toi led fo rth r ee mon th s comp i l i ng g r aph s r evea li ng th e Los t Mot ion i n th e H i nd Legs
of a Beet le .
A lways s i gn th e name you arebes tk nownby . A lso , i t i sbette r th at youw r i te you rbook i n K i lgerry Castle on
th e Volga , Russ ia , Janua r y 3 1 , 1 925,etc. , i n o r de r th at you may pa r tlyr ecompense th e land lo r d fo r th e cm ]
le r s an d sou r fi sh wh i ch h e was goodenough to a l low you to s mel l .A fte r th i s comes th e Table of Con
ten ts , th e Secon d Ti tle Page , Th e In
troduct i on , th e Index , th e A ppen d ix ,th e Bibl i og raphy, fou r blank fly
leaves , a sepa r ate page f or th e copyr i gh ts , a sepa rate page f or th e publi sh er s name , an d anoth e r sepa ratepage f or th e l i st ofbook s att r ibutedto th e same autho r , etc.
It i s n ot absolutely n ecessa r y thatyouboth e r about th ese m i no r matte r s .
Howeve r , g r eat ca r e mus tbe taken i n
th e comp i la t ion of th e i n dex not to re
f er to an y mate r ia l wh i ch i s con ta i nedi n th e text . Leave th ese matte r s to
you r sma l l s on .
=l<
The S I R E N
D EAR FOLK S : Ibeen asked to
w r i te wha t I th ink of tex tbook sand he r e i s wha t I th i n k .
Tnx'r noori s a r e won de r fu l
th i ngs . They have all some peoplekn ows i n them
,and all some
peop le doesn’t kn ow. Maybe you
can gues s who I. mean f r om th i s
s tatemen t .
ANYWAY, as Iwas go i ng to say,
1boy come ove r to my h ouse theo the r n igh t . He sa i d he come tos tudy the tex tbook . He evenbr ough t i t wi th h im
, and we sat
downs ta i r s on the davenpo r t togethe r . That i s one common use
for tex tbooks .
i t
PEOPLE he r eabouts say the r e i sa race of peop le l i v i ng on the
banks of theboneya r d who s tay i neve r y n igh t and r ead wha t i s i n
textbooks . Idon t kn ow why they
eve r do i t,o r wha t happen s to
them . Thev are neve r peop le whoare cleve r and soph i s ticated , a i
though they m igh t.be. sma r t,some
t imes .
I AM com e. to take my tex tbooki n Educa t ion 1 0back to thebooks to r e and maybe I can get mymoneyback . I th i nk I got the
w r ong onebecause. I haven ‘
t eve rhea r d anybody say any th i ngthout wha t i t savs i n s i de .
On eo i i ESE these are all the
soph i stica ted ways of us i ng textbooks . I knew a g i r l once whoset her bi r dcage on a tex tbookand then to r e o ff a page eve ry day .
Th i s d id n ot wo rk out so success
ful lybecause the re was on ly 3 64pages i n th i s tex tbook .
Z OOLOGY textbooks are the
wo r st ones I kn ow. They have p i ctu r es i n thei r tex tbooks of th i ngsI would p retend not to n oti ce i fI was to see them unde r them i c r oscope .
IN no se ri oor, i t i s sovbean s .
1 4
TH ERE a tex tbook i n campus
polt ics,but eve r ybody doesn ‘t get
to see i t . It’
s ca l led T. N. E .
EVEN i n the cemete ry they havefootn otes wri tten on sma l le rstones an d placed a t thebottomof the g rave .
TH E GREATEST TH ING you lea rnto '
do i n col lege i s eat raw oys te r sand go wi th out pett icoats .
TH E nor s i n mi l i ta r y don ’t haveno tex tbook s . A l i eutenan t toldme what they have to lea r n to doi s to fi t i n to thei r un i fo rms . But
that don ’t exp la in to me why
the r e i s so manybow- leggedboys .
THE TEXTBOOK (a h i sto ry )about the south campus i s i n
'
the
D ean o f -Women ’s office i n the
woman ’
sbui ldi ng . Nobody eve rgets to see th i s
,but eve r ybody
knows wha t i t savs .
MA I-IAS SENT me a lette r thatPa has pa id h i s taxes and tha t Ish ould make use of the publ icl ibr a ry .
TH AT i s about all I kn ow abouttex tbooks .
You rs t ruly,
TH E B EsT use I eve r got out of.a tex tbook was once when I wa s
out i n an automobi le and we got
s tuck i n the mud . The r e wasn’t
no p r op a r ound , and my esco r twas cuss i ng someth i ng awful(awfu l poo r fo r a Sen i o r ). A ny
way , I says to h im,
“Wi l l a tex tbook f r om a good h a r d cou r se doany good ? ” A nd he sav s ,
“ The
ha r de r thebette r .
l’sxcn or.ooY i s jus t asbadbe
cause they on ly say th i ngs aboutpeople who can
’t deny them . Y ou
sh ould hea r wha t they say aboutdea r
,l i ttle pi nkbabies . In othe r
cou r ses they say te r r ible th ings
about othe r th i ngs ,but none are
so out and out mean .
i t at
Make a Tes to i you r men ta l hyster i s i s todayby an swe r i ng(wi thout the a i d of vou r small son ) the fol l owi ng quest i on s :
1 . A re you in te res ted i n togg le- j o i n ts .
0 Can you l i ve w i th you r f r ate r n i tybr othe r s ? ( o r So r o r i ty s i s te r s ? )3 . “
’
ha t Pr ice G l o r y ?4 . What d id the G ove r n o r of No r thCa r oli na sav to the G ove r n o r of SouthCa r o l i na 1’5 . A re many ma r r iages necessa r y to
you r complex ?(3. “ ’
Ould you kn ow wha t to sav a t a
Ku K lux K lan Meet i ng?
7. D o you eve r l ong fo r a check f r omh ome ?8. D i d you eve r laugh at an Orph A ct
?
9. “ ’ha tbecame of Sa lly ?1 0. Is you r mi nd you r own ?
H ere a t Las t, i s the B ook the IVo-
rld
ha sbeen lVa i-ti ng for !
The Morphology o f the Toggle-Jo in tA TEXTBOOK
By PROF. D ARWIN COOLID GE SY MNPH
WHAT THE CRITICS SAY :
I slept f or s ix n ights w ith i tLog ical as the D ict iona ry,under I am n oclear a s a telephone d irectory,
in f ormat ive as a D un an d B radreet rat ing , I regard th i s
as thebestbook o f the season
on Beekkeepin g .
”HORA
’
I‘
IO
GOOBER, Poli ce Reporter , TheD enver Pos t .
“
Th i s i s a marvelous textbook On cholera i n f an tni m i nthe egas quadr iped ibus .
“ — SIRG ILLIP Pru nes, The New Y orkhV/n
'
nc .
“I d i dn
’
t read th isbook .but
my p illow.lon ge r t roubled w i th in somn ia .
"
CRANK FRANE, i n The Serv iceB ullet in .
“
Th i sbook will l i ve a f ter theauthor i s dead .
—ME. I. M .
COFFIN , Ed itor , The Under ~
taker'
s Journal of Embalmi ng .
.th isbook i s a
fine example of s impleand easy to read — H . L.
NATH AN , The Amer ica n Sm i rk
err .
A sser t Yourself ] !D on ‘
t take any old seat th e ush e r g i ves you !
Ban i sh i n e r t ia , br a i n f ag , fla t feet , t im i d i ty, dandruff, shyness , p r oc r as t i n at ion , eaves -d r oppi ng , pre
des t inat ion ,bun ion s , ove r -s i ze colla r s ,indec i s ion an d
h a r e-li p !
Y ou can obta i n th e samebenefits th ousands of
oth e r s h ave endu r ed !you r nos e !Th i nk of i t ! Ri gh t unde r
A ll you h ave to do i s tu r n i n th e couponbe lowan d you wi l l r ece i veby r e tu r n ma i l , one p i anoboxful l of P r of. Symnph
'
s ma r ve lous textbook s on Th e
Mo rph o logy of th e Togg le-Jo i n t.
D oes n ’
t i t sound s imple ?you w i l lbe cu r ed !A fte r one r ead i ng
( D on'
t forg e t to put y our n ame on th is coupon ! )
THE SYMNPH FOUND ATION
FOR D EFECTIVE TOGGLE -JOINTS
Sweet 2222 , 222I, ambsk inPli nkv i llc , D ela .
SIRS :I wan t tobe cured o f
Please send me one p ia no ca se f ull o f Pro f .
Send the case C . O . DLove an d kis s es .
books . 1 have ambi t ion .
t ion on my pa rt .
In aug ura l AddressI’Vutch NumberA ny Message
( fill in disae sc here . )Symn ph
'
s Text
w i thout Obl iga
of Ha t
( Confiden t ia l ! )
The S I R E N
action
care of ”niches? cats
"
and ”make1 t r eg
u ired .
HOME LIFE SERIES NO . 1 — Why th e textbook w r it e rw .
-ites a textbook .
TextsTar tbooh s a re o ld. a s the ages ,
Old a s the ofiicc of sages .
A ll of a s common ly use"cm
,
S tudy"cm ( some) a nd abus e "
em
Fe n: of us kn ow o] the mea n i ng
(Sa ne thos e o f peda n t ica l lea n -ing)Of a term we employ wi thout th i nk i ng.
Our t ime w i th pa s t epoch s li nk i ng.
Recen tly tcn cJ'
ca ra tor s
D igg i ng for relics of s a t'y'
rs
Found on a d i s t-a n t
Tablets of pa l-
es t obs id ia n,
B ear ing some cur ious fiym-
os .
Wr i tten i n schoolboy ca lig'a-rcs :
Rea d i ng, they tell a s , as“Tan tnm,
E s t X en ophon. Ta nger e Sta i t ta-
nt .
Mean ing, i t seems , we are c cr twin,
Si nce th ey to a r ulebook apper ta i n
Thebes t way to ge t the mola s sesIn the D r . X en ophon’
s
'
classes :
purchase the doctor ’s own wr i t i ngs ,
S tudy n o o ther «in di ti ngs
Thus we ha ve adequa te reasonsFor ca lling th em TEXTBOOKS these
The S I R E N
E D ITED BY SIGMA D ELTA CHI
BOARD OF ED ITORS
W ILL IAM R. FRANKLIN WM . H . BEAT'PY , Ch a i rman
FLORENCE Nonrmncn, Exchange Edi torR. E . HA SWELL
CH ARLES E . SWARTZ
R. H . MILES, A ssoci a te
BUSINESS STAFFH . F . HUGHES, Bus in ess Man ager
G . R. SM ITH
I . J . Kess ler Loca l A dver t i s i ngBobHoffman Ci r cula t i on an d Copy
Bus i n ess Staff A ss i s tan tsHe len Gabe l ine, E l l iot Karo le , Jack Samue ls , ’
27,W . A . Schouten ,
’
27, Jane Judson ,
’
28, D oro th y B rown ,
’
28,Roy R iser ,
’
28, Frances Gus taven son ,
’
27 BobHan ley ,
’
28,George Kappus Stan ton Ch r is tensen ’
28, G race Good
man ,, 27, Florence Jackson ,
’
27, E . K . Joh n son ,
’
27.
Publ ished monthlyby the lllin i Publ ish in g Company , Un ivers ity o f I ll inois , dur in g the college y ear .
O ff ice o f publ ication , Illin i Publ ish in g Compan y .
Copy r ighted .
o ffice at U rban a , I ll in ois ,by A ct of Con gress , March 3 , 1 879.by ma il . Addres s all commun ication s , I ll inois Un ion Buildin g .
We BeginLoud cymbals ! Lewd d rums ! The Old Gi rl
emerges un der a joi n t managemen t an d wi th a
bran d new,double '
act ion , si ngle an d re v erse dr i v epoli cy .
That i s,The Si ren i s now under the auspi ces of
Sigma D elta Ch i , and asbefi ts her new man agemen t
and the immemor ial custom of campus magazi nes
she i s tempted to adopt a policy, a poli cybei ng thatwh i ch e v ery magazi ne adopts, and wh i ch f ew maga
z i nes take ser i ously . The Si ren smi les andbi dsthe poli cy
'
welcome— an d goes on about herbusi ~
ness i n li fe,i f she h as any .
Howe v er , ha i l the n ew ! The Si ren hopes to
purge of pr ide th ose who n eed pur i ficati on . She
hopes to expoun d much and wi th some humor . She
hopes to s tay off probat i on and yet to stay i n sum
mer sch ool. A nd most of all she hopes tobe a de
v on t,but not too de v out
,ad v ocate of a li ttle re
deemi ng le v i ty i n a un i v ers i ty wh ich carefullybarscan v assers and agen ts from i ts own sacred so i l
and yearly turn s for th a multi tude o fbond sales
men .
Maybe there wi llbe o ther i ssues . We hope at
lea st some o f the fr iends of wealthybrothers i n s i s t
R. B . Webb Ci rcula t i onD elaware Harr ison Na t iona l A dver t i s i ng
A r t i s tsB i l l Jacob, E . A . Tauber t , Ra lph Pa tch , Hal Perer ia , BobGus t in , O . K . Joh ns ton , E lder Ba tes , A xel Gruenberg , He len
Fa i th Twi tch el l , Haze l Sh a f ton .
Entered as second -class matter at the PostSubscr iption pr ice the yea r ,
Quotat ion without perm is s ion i s den ied .
Brown vs . PeopleSIREN , J “Wi lliam Robi n s B rown
,
’25,Ban d of
X,Y . M. C . A .
,Fi nan ce D r i v e
,Ma -Wan -D a
,Phi
Gamma D elta,an d Pres i den t of Illi n oi s Un ion ,
there are one or two questi on s wh i ch we should like
to h a v e you gr i nd out on the ston e th i s week . Y ou
are agreeable ?BROW N defendan t) : “ Per fectly, your honor .
SIREN, J . :“ B r i efly the quest i on i s th i s : A re you
a poli ti ci an or are you n ot a poli ti ci an? ”
BROW N : “ I am n ot a poli ti ci an .
”
SIREN J . :“ That
,I unders tand Is what Tim Gal
i v an and h i s Henchmen also say .
that thebloated onesbuy a Si ren now and then .
What matter i f thebuyer cann ot read ! He can al
ways len d a copy to someone who can thus legally
appropr i ate i t .
A nd i n the fulness of time pretty gi rls wi ll con
ti nne to v end Si ren s on street corners,an occas ional
well-wi sh i ng soul wi ll chortle, the edi tors wi ll grow
solemn v i sages asbefits humor i sts on th i s campus ,an d the Si ren wi ll abi de wi th us ti ll the last greatbogus rejoi ci ng of graduation .
Ha i l the n ew policy, and to Hell.
The S I R E N
The B est Seller
If D oc Bea rd s h ould put h is Hyg ie ne 1 lectures te x tbook form and s h ould s e l l t hem a t t h e Cc-op !
Inv i ta ti on
“ 7103; you. grow t i red o f conn i ng tcmtbool' s dryCome r ead the secrets in. my eyes af lch i ll.
Mea s ure my lips,A nd trace the h i dden m ea n ing in my smi le.
I prom i s e you"tu
'
i ll notbe wholly dull;Perhaps you
'
ll like i t, dea r , a nd wonder why,
A nd come aga i n
Il'
h e n you grow t i red o f co n n i ng te r tbooks (by !
NO . 1 . Th e Prof . w ho ORD ERS NO . 2 .
h is s tude n t s to buy h i s tex tbook . te x tbook .
Test imon ials/ f
'
rom the pr i rutc le tte r file of th e la te Prof . H . O .
Z a n na h . I} . L.
’
l'
P . .
‘l R. H . L. . e tc .)
D EAR l‘Ro rRs s oR
I take my pen i n ha nd i n thank you f or the
wo nd e rful chang e vou ha v e wrought i n my li fe .
’Ti l
two weeks ago I wa s hope les s ly a v i c t im Of i n som
n ia— fo r four y ea rs I had s lep tbut a few m i nu teseach week . Whe n e v ery th ing els e. had fa i led I
turned to y our med ica l tex t a s a la s t resor t . A f terread in g one chapte r I s lept. li ke ababv for n ine tys i x h ours . G odble s s you,
dear Profes so r .
FIRST COLLEGER : “ D i d Norocks gr ie v e h i s landlady ?
”
SECON D : “ I should say he d i d . Her hear t
ren t .
”
G IJ'
I‘
TER :“ Offisher ! O ffisher ! I
‘
ve
( fall a cop, wi llya
VO ICE FROM
losh t m’ way !
The Prof w ho SUG NO . 3 . The Prof. who p lacesGESTS t h at h i s s tude ntsbuy h is h is textbook o n t h e re s e rve
s he l f.[ 1 8 ]
l’ro i . II. 0 . Zan nah .
A r i zona Stree t ,In terurbana . Illino is .
D EAR SIR :
I am the fa ther o f se v en teen ch i ldren . Un t i l a
shor t t ime ago we. had a lway s had a great deal Of
t rouble i n ge t t i ng the younger ones h igh enough
at the di n ner table . Fo r the las t two now,howe v er ,
we. ha v e used v our tex t an d find i t most admi rablysui ted to the n eeds of growi ng ch i ldren .
D iary of a Prof . A bout to wr i te
a TextbookJune 1 1 920— “ I th ink I
’
ll wr i te a textbook ;A ugus t 1 5, 1 020 —“ Rough t a typewr i ter . a ream
of typewr i t i ng paper , and an extra. typewr i ter r ibbon . I
’
ll s ta r t. on my tex tbook tomorrows
A ugust 1 6 , has to ha v e the type
wr i ter today to wr i te a paper f o r the Lad ies‘
A i d
soc iety . I‘
ll star t tomor row .
”
Augus t-“ A rch ie B lippusborrowed my
typewr i ter today . Sa id he’
dbr i ng i tback tomor
row. I’
ll start then .
”
September 30, 1 920— " A rch i e ha sn’
t. returned the
ty pewr i ter yet I’
ll a sk h im about i t tomorrow .
"
No v ember 1 0,HBO— “ A rch iebrough tback the
typewr i ter . Gues s‘
I’
ll s tart on my tex tbook .
“
January 1,RB I— “ Ha v e dec ided that I‘
ll wr i te
a textbook about the “ Soc i al Li fe o f the Terrapi n ;
January 3 1 , 1 92 1 “ Mother—i h -law v i s i t i ng.
Guess I’ll ha v e. to pos tpone the. book un t i l nex t
week .
”
July 3,1 921 — “ Moth er - i a —law wen t home today .
Now I can wr i te ;
July 4 , 1 921— “ Burnedboth han ds shoot i ng fi re
works f or the k i ds . Can’
t work for a mon th
January 1,
— “Made a resolut ion to wr i te
tha t tex tbook th i s yea r , or d ie tryi ng .
Janua ry 2,1 922— “ Mother—i n -law d ied .
care i f I ne v er wr i te a textbook !”September 1 , 1 925— “ Found an old typewr i ter i n
the gar ret today . Remi nded me that I was fooli shenough to th i nk I
’
d wr i te a textbook once.
”
March 22,1 925 -
“ New tex tbook O ff the press to
day . No one wi ll e v er know that i t i s the paper
my wi fe readbefore the Lad ies ’A id society !
”
I don’t
NO . 1 . Th e s tude n t w ho A L NO . 2 .
WAYS buys t h e Prof .’s textbook . tex tbook .
Th e
SOMET lMES buy s the Prof .'s
The S I R E N
Prof . Am i ndah Pi nkie Bas a l t , A rch . Md . B . P.,A la .,
D e l., is a g rea t ma n in t h e fie ld of geo log ica l res ea rch .
He re h e is ga t he r ing ma te r ia l f or a textbook on“ Th e
Coh es ive nes s of Igneous R-o cks .
"
Volta i re Read a Textbook!The secre t of wea ryi ng your reader i s telling
h im e v eryth i ng .
— I’
Olta-i re .
s tude n t who NO . 3 . Th e s tude n t who
read s t he Prof . 's book— f romt h e res e rve s em ina r s h e lve s .
[ 1 9 ]
The S I R E N
Be ing a Monogr aph on the Works
Collected and Otherw i s e ofPROFESSOR 0 . V . BEST ,
A . B . , C . D . , D . 151 , Pro
fe s sor Eme r i tus King ’
s Own Eng l ish Co l leg e , D octor o f
An ima l Husband ry , Ho lder o f th e N igh ts h i r t in th e King ’
s
Pr ivy Counc i l . In te rmed ia te K luck , Ed i tor o f In t ima t ion so l
‘ Immor tal i ty for Underg raduate Studen ts , Ward Bos s
o f th e In ters te l la r Spaces , O rde r o f th e Rubber H ee l , Pas tG rand Mas ter o f th e Psychopa th ic Ins t i tute , Honorary
Aux i l ia ry Joke Aboard Ford’
s Peace Sh ip .
( ED ITOR’
S NOTE )
It i s w i th a fee l ing o f deepes t Hum i l iat ion tha t We
pres en t to Sch olars th i s all-too Inadequa te Mode l ing o f
the Savan t ’s Li l'e Work— “
How Many F’la ts D o Y ou P layIn ? ( 1 ) Grea t d i ff icul ty has bee n exper ienced i n th e
Trans la t ion o f th e Volume , due to th e a lmos t In surmoun table d i ff icul t ies at tendan t on Col lect in g th e Books to
wh ich Re ference h asbeen Made in th is Text .It wa s on ly w i th repea ted th rea ts that certa in Mem‘
bers in Facul tate ( 2) were made to return th e Volumes
loaned to th emby L ibrar ies .
Indebtedness i s gra tui tous ly A ckn owledged to Jonathan Sw i ft and O . O . McIn ty re , wh o h ave read var iousparts of th is manuscr ip t an d i n i ts forma t ive s tages
( Conti nued on Page Th i r ty -seven )
FOOTNOTE : D isag reemen t i s r i fe as to wh e th er“
Fla ts ,
"
as us ed by Mayor D eve r i n h i s recen t addres sSi t D own ,
It’
s My Turn !”
Cf . A rch ives Ch icago Waterworks , D ep ’t of Streets ,
p . 962, l ine 6 ,beg in n ing“I a llns ea t t i l i t hur ts me, t h en I s top wh i le th e
pa in. las ts or
( In my op in ion 0. V . B .
’
s mean ing may be mos tc lear ly got ten from th e fo l low in g , taken from Th e Riseof th e D utch Republ ic l ine etao in . ,
“
I am at Home i n any
Cemetery .
( 2 ) Names furn ish ed i n return for a sma l l f ee. ( adv . )
REF
Ha i l, .
to Th ee,3
B irdc th ou7 n ever wor t,Th a t f rom h eaven , or n ear i t
Ponres t, thy full h ear tIn profuse s tra i n s of “ , nnpr ein ed i ta ted A r t” .
REF. :
( 1 ) Ha il .( 2 ) To , n ot tobe con fused with Too or Two.
( 3 ) Y ou .
( 4 ) B lithe , what a studen t gets fired f or i f apprehended .
( 5) Spi r i t , two fin ge rs of what goes with the above , sameby -laws .
( 6 ) B i rd , gent o f shady habits and reckless d ispos ition . gets muchfree adve rtis in g on haberda shery , G reek restaurant and shoe sh in in gemporium windows .
( 7) Thou ,same as ( 3 ) Lacks force , not used in profane language .
( 3 ) Never a vert , B reed o f New England p ickle .
( 9) Poures t, D one carefully , ( see 4 and 5 above .
( 1 0) Of , See VVooley Handbook.( 1 2 Like when you kick a prize fi ghter in the sh in .
( 30) A rt , we do i t for h is sake . ( See picture on back pa ge . )NOTE : A t th is po in t th e Mss . becomes i n d eei p h erable .
We n eeds mus t pause.
bli th e, Sp i r i t
See Burke'
s Peerage .
— T . C . Mo ,
Cand i da te f or degr ee of Pa le A rch D en t ,L . L . P .
Qk )
SPEAK ER : “ Veloci ty Jackson , wi ll yo’all address
th i s open forum on de legali ty of de Klan ? ’
VELOC ITY : “ Mi s tah Speakah , A h con cedes dere
major i ty, but Ah i n s i s ts on mah own personal
m i nor i tv an d de, free and un lim i ted r igh t fer i ts
tran spo rta t ion
A cademic Jones,does you i n tend to succeed i n
loafin’theah all day
? ”
G imme t ime, wooman .been heah all mo’n in ’1”
G imme time. I only
She doesn ’t seem to respect h i s good r i gh t
arm ? ”
No,he
’
s always held i t aga i n st her !
Pro f. Pul lman-Macke nz ie Fr i t te r, "
M. P., Odd Fe l low,
et c .,be l ieves in get t ing to t hebot tom of th ings . He re h e
is , ga the r ing ma te r ia l f o r h is new textbo ok on “ T ra nspo rt a
t ion Fina nce .
”
0
I.
( i .7
8.
9.
1 0.
l l.
Why Not a Textbook on
“ Pipe Clean i ng Made Pla i n .
“ t y Is a Papa Fi sh ?” Vol. I.
IVhy Is Papa A Fi sh ? ” Vol. II.
" Spanki ng the Baby Made Easy .
”
“ ’l‘
extbook s E v ery Ch i ld Should Know.
”
“Simplified
“ How to Press Y our Pan ts,In Two Parts .
“ How to “ f ri te Good N . S. F. Checks .
”
“ How to Take Notes Wh i le Sleepi ng .
”
Excuses to _G i v e the D ean ”
“
In troduct ioi i to Campus Poli tics .
How to Wr i te a Si ren .
”
S
EM PLOYER : “ Y oung man , ha v e you your mi nd set
o n anyth i ng pure an d fine ?”
\s r 1mxo ’25 : “ Y ep . Ten dollars a quart !”
The S I R E N
UNPUBL ISHED INTERVIEWS
( A la Th e Amer ica n Magaz in e)W h en th e ed i tor asked me to in terv iew Tewksbury Smoot , I fa i r ly qui v
cred w i th de l igh t . Mr . Smoo t ’s la tcs tbook . E las t ic Cemen t . a nove l o f colloge l i fe , I h ad jus t fin is h ed read imA nd now I was to mee t i ts auth o r !Have you. ever met an auth or ? Haveyou ever wondered i f a ll th e th in gsth ey say about wr i ters of books a re
true ? D o th ey s leep t i l l n oon . D o
th ey wear manda r in s i lk py jamas ?
D r ink th ick , sy rupy Turk ish coffee ?Have a ffa irs w i th women ? We sh a l lsee !
The e leva tor s h ot upward , to s topw i th a g iddy sudden ess tha t causedmy h ear t to flut ter anew . I knockedt imid ly a t th e wrough t iron door o f
th e l i tera ry worksh op .
Come i n , g row led a g ruif vo ice .
A cl ick , and th e por ta l swung out
war t , n ear ly knock ing me down . Is tepped w i th in , on to a f ur rug . H or
rors ! I t was n ot a fur rug ,but th e‘
dorg'
. My ank le sudden ly f elt numb.I look down . Th e dog was ch ew ing a t
“
my ank le. I looked up .
“Th a t w i l l do ,
Soph ocles . Th e dog re leased h i s g r ip'i‘l — ]n — m — n|— m — u_m— n—m— 1 l— m— n_ '
fl l—u
The Up-to-D ate con fectionery for
the Up-to-D ate D ate
Sa n : “ A n i ce . cr i sp. toa s ted
pimen to cheese sandw ich and a
chocola te malted m i lk .
"
HE :“ E xcellen t 3”
That’
s what th ey all say
AN D RETA IL
3 Ma i n St . Champa ign , Illi no i s
For Both Golfers and Hikers
To those wh o p lay go l f— to th os e who are s tarti ng
‘
out th i s Spr in g f or th e fi rs t t ime— and to
th ose who love th e grea t open Spaces ; we w ishto emphas ize th e fact th a t we carry a larg e and
complete l ine of
KNICKERS SLIP -OVERS
GARTERS
SW'
EATERS W'
ITH HOSE TO MATCH
Come i n and get your outfit n owth e s eason i s n ea r .
COOK KISNER604 E . GREEN STREET
" Style H eadqua r ter s for the Camp-us
"
CHAMPA IGN,ILL INO IS
w—m— m—m—m— lm— W— m— m— u— w— ln- ln— Ifl— fl _u—u_
“ Wh a t can I do f or
th e voice con t inued .
a nd lay down .
Madame ?”
Puzzled , f or I could see no one , I
looked about .to fee l tha t I was th e v ict im of a joke .
you ,
T ime passed ,—~ Ibegan
I f elt l ike cry ing . Sudden ly frombeh ind me popped th e Professor . He— i t
a ll came to me w i th a rush , h adbeenh id in g .
“
Guess I foo led you th a tt ime .
”h e sa id . scra tch ing h i s back ,
wh ich was bare , but for a but terflypa in ted upon i t . “ Make yourse l f comf ortable , h e added , jump ing up and
ca tch ing a-h o ld of th e chan de l ier ,from wh ich h e hung dur ing th e en t i rein terv iew .
“ Han d me th a t p i l low ,
”h e
con t inued , th ey are so comfor table .
He s tuffed i tbetween th e wa is t-ban dof h i s trousers and h i s sh i r t . I t producea a s l igh t ly g rotesque eff ect .Please con t inue , h e coa xed .
D o you wor k cross -word puzzles ,
I asked .
“
Y es ,
"h e answered , I get a ll my
ma ter ia l from th em . Y ou h ave read
mybook ? In i t you w i l l not ice th e
large vocabulary I possess . Abso lutely due to my one pa ss ion , c-w-
p !"
A
l igh tbulbbroke i n h i s h and . He im
med ia te ly c lutch ed ano th er and con
ti nued .
“
Y ou came f or an in terv iew, i t wasnot a ques t ion but an in terroga t ion .
“
Pray , let us ta lk of birds , an dbeesand l i t t le fleas . By th e way , h ave youever h ad
’
em ? One mus t h ave h ad'
em to apprec ia te ’
em . Ten ta t ive ly ,
perh aps remi nes cen tly , h e scra tch edh ims e l f “
Y ou came f or an in terv iew , h e con t inued , bi t ing off h i s
l i t t le fin ger and g iv ing i t to Soph ocles ,
wh o refused to touch i t , as you go
out ( I fe l t ca l led upon to say some
th in g as h e handed me abirch -barkscro l l ) take th is w i th y ou. I t i s mynewes t cross word puzz le an d con ta in sa ll th a t y ou could poss ibly '
wan t to
know about me and my no v e l .” Ith anked h im w i th tears i n my eyes ,backed in to th e door , apo log ised ,
open ed th e door and pass ed out . Th e
wa rm , h eav i ly scen ted a i r from th e
s tock -yards soon dr ied my tears .
Th e puzz le an d i ts so lut ion i s on
page th ir ty-five . Th e or ig ina l i s i n th e
Congress iona l Record .
— Th eresa Ce les te McCoy .
The S I R E N
—M|—nu—m|—ln
—n—m—m—nu—Im—m—w—u—m—M—nfl—n_-ml—Illl—n—ni l— l l l!—Inl—H|l— llII—|lfl— lm— ll l l—II|I—II|l—II|I— lln— llr' Professors Wh iCh
A re WhatD AMFINO
A D eli ci ous
CHOCOLATE BUTTERCREAM BAR
a good 50 seller—buy ’emby thebox at
Wholesalers i nC igar ettes and Bar
Cand i es
We wi llbe pleased to ha v ehouse store managers and
commi s sar ies come i n an d
look o v er our li ne Of candyspecialti es .
NOBLE CAND Y CO .
3 1 3 Eas t G reen Street'
Call 1 604,We D eli v er
— n|| _nfl— "n _"u—H
— ln _ i — l l l l— l l l l — l l l l — IlII— l l l l— l l l l—Illl— Illl— l l l l— l l l l — l l l l 'l’ — Illl— Illl— Illl— I I I I—|lll— III|—|I|l— l l l l— l l l l —m'_
A New Trophy BOXIOI
'
QS 0
Stores forWomen
Exquis ite Candies
MOS I -OVERTh e S tuden t
’s Rendezvous
NE IL AND PARK STREETS CH AMPA IGN, ILL
flll- I III—|Ifl_llll— l l l l— I‘ll— l l l l— “ll— llll_ " il- llfl- IIH— l l l l— l l l l- Illl— Illl i lu— "ll— Illl— "II— Illl— I I I I— “Il— "Il— "ll— l l l l — "ll— ll“ — l||l — “ll— “u
24
PROF G . ASPIRINE CARTER
Auth o r of “ The Psy cho logy of A
C ookie Crus he r.
" “ The Why of Tea rs ,
Sof t D r inks , Fur-coats , a nd Fa l le nA rches .
" Th inks C ros s Word Puzz less t imula t ing .
Prof. Ca rte r would jus t as leavetake a s t rong d r ink of te pid butte rum i lk i n t he back room at Mos i’s as
he would gamble away a n icke l in a
ches s game a t t he U n ive rs i ty c lub.
The S I R E N
B edtime Story
(For the Y ounger Li ttle Folks)
O nce. My Li ttle Fr iends , there was a Poor But
S t ruggling G raduate Studen t. who was In Lo v ewi th the D augh ter o f a Popular Tex tbook FinancierNow th is l’
oor Studen t Had No More Chance
than a. Fi shworm on a Tr i ple-B arbed Fi sh Hook
,but. he was a Pers i sten t. D ub.Y ou See , ch i ldren ,
Fa ther was Wallowi ng i n
Mazuma . He had taken Timeby the Headlock , andhad Cornered the Market i n all Textbook s on
“ D og
Culture.
” He owned exclus i v e Ri gh ts to all D og
Culture tex tbooks from Pek inback to Peki n aga i n .
E v erybody , except the Poor Studen t,h ad a D og,
a D og -Collar , and abook on“ D og Culture,
”copy
r igh tedby the Pater .
A nd so the Poor Studen t was Pretty Well Sew’
ed
l‘
p. But,as we Remarked a f ew Pi casback
,He
was a. pers i s ten t A n imal. Sti ll, Papa. had Money ,
an d that was a D azer .
But A ll A t On ce The Poor Studen t got a Wal
loper of an Idea . (He had an Idea once i n a Wh i le,e v en though he Had En rolled i n the Graduate
School )Hebor rowed a dollar from a Cash and Carry
G rocery and Cornered the Market on Textbooks on
“ Ca t Culture !” Then he Borrowed the Landlady
’s
Cat an d Proceeded to Wr i te a Treati se on the“ Care
an d Opera ti on of Cats .
” Then he Wrote anoth er
Bi tter A rti cle on“Why D ogs are Un san i tary and
Why they are Not as Styli sh and Classy as C‘
a ts .
Now what li ttleboy can Tell Me wha t happened ?
Y ou are Exactly Righ t, Amarylli s . The'Market
i n Textbooks on D og Culture Flopped down to a
Poi n t Th ree Oh,Oh
,Oh
,Oh ! A nd the Market on
Ca t Culture Wen t Up li ke a Schoolteacher Who SatHard on a ThumbTack .
A nd the poorbut Struggli ng G radua te Studen tbrough t the Town Car around and took the Pa ter
out to the Old Folk s’D i stillery .
But,A fter All
,the D augh ter Couldn ’
t stand
Cats,so she Mar r ied a Fancy D i v er .
MORAL : D on’tbe so D amned Pers i sten t .
LONG CH ONE : “ I shay, i z i sh a hand laundry? ”
CH I N HUNG-LO : “ Y essee,allee samee i s .
”
“Well,wash m
’
handsh .
”— Phoon iai .
“ IVhat do you th i nk of the Y . M. C .
'
It appeals to me v ery much .
”— l/Vh ir lwi nd .
“ \Ve’llbe fr i ends un ti l the end .
'
Lcnd me ten dollars .
”
“ That’s the en tl. “ — Juggle-r .
Professors Wh ichA re What
PROF. K INCA I D MacGRUD ER
Member of four-tee n d iffe re n t h onora ry s oc ie t ies . Reads She r lockHo lmes . Ca l ls Prexy by h i s f i rs tname . A uth or of “ Scot land a nd
Why ,” and “ Th ings I Shouldn’t Te ll.Re fers to Big Bus ines s in tone of im
me ns e con tempt ( s t i l l ow ns s tock i n
El D orado O i l We ll).
$ II—fllll— Nll— l l l l—"ll _ l l l l— Illl— lln— l l l l — l|II— l l l l — lm—fill— l l l l—ml
NUTRITIOUS D IET FOR
ATHLETES inTRAININGEndorsedbv coaches and phys i cal d i rectors .
Excel len t as a s tuden t ’s lunch eon .
Famous f or i ts qua l i ty and flavor and i s
a lway s de l ic ious , in v igora t ing and refresh ing . Hea l th an d s treng th are s toredi n every g lass ful .
VERY REFRESHING AND
INVIGORATING After STUD Y
llII— Illl— l l l l— Illl— l l l l— IIIl— [Ill — lllI—|l l l— Illl— IIIl - llfl — Illl— lln— Illl— IIIl—Illl— II
The S I R E N
PROF. A BIMINACH BLISTER,who,back in 1 869, indulged i n a fa int
sm i le , whe n he s aw an I r is hman fa l loff a hea rs e . Prof. B l is te r neve r get s‘worked up
'ove r a ny th ing .
—I - ll —Ill—II—ml—ul—w—m—m—u—w—n—w—n—I—ufl—ul i i—i ll— luu —w—m—m -ln—u||— lm —ml —nu—nu —nu c—uu— lul—nu— ln
THE
CORNER DRUG STORE
Green and Si x th Streets
Pr ivate D in ing Room for
Banquets and Par ti es
J at
Imported Perfumes
Van i ty Compacts
Pr escr ipti on D epar tmen t
Conven i ence— Com fort
Refinemen t
Thr ee Reg i s tered Phar '
n'
i ae i s ts
B . E . SPALD ING(Owner )
Where Y ou Feel at Home
G . W. Byers A . D an ielson
*II-_IlI—M—Im—ll
—llI—M—Illl—llu—lll—Ill—U—lll—fll—III—flu—llll—lll—Wl—lGI—flllllll
M—nu —|m—Ll" —ml_ — nu
F—i
—H_—fl
—fl
—nc-n
t—J*l
-n_
—m—n—n—n—m—n-a
No
Q
The S I R E NFragmen ts
Q he sweetest pipe in theworld I
( Opera. Lyr ic ( 1 In. ( 7 . cf S.)
W 4 w0 6 '
The M ilano is made in 26
smart shapes in smooth fin ish,from $ 3 . 50up ; rustic fin ish
,
up—
all i nsured fo r
yourprotec tion . Look for the
wh ite triangle on the stem .
SURL‘
LY IS ll HISKERS GALORE!
Th e n igh t was dark and d reary :
The a i r was full of sleet ;Our old man joi ned the K . K . K .
A nd used our last clean shee t .— D i rgc.
W M. D EMUTHWorld s l
jr
gie
jzPipes How old i s that flapper ? ”
zso r e i-u we N EW Y O RK In her earlv D ICOIEOD S.
”— L if0
New Clothes for Spring
There i s no class of Amer i can s qui te so
well dressed as college men . The Jerrems
organ i zati on enjoys ser v i ng such a cli en tele
BARBER SHOP and offers f or Spr i ng the cho ices t woolen s
the world’s markets a fford .
i s n oted also as the U nusual Selections
$65 to $1 10
ENGLISH TOP COATSBOBB ING SHOP
A ND SPO RT CLO THES
324 SOUTH M ICHIGAN AVE .
(McCormi ck Bu i ld ing )6 1 7 EflSf G I
‘
POH Street ”1 011 8 3423a
71 E a s t Mon roe St . 7 North LaSalle St .
CH ICAGO
- 1 ll — fllI— nll— YlIl— \ll —|m —m—mi—m— n
A Sort of Un ivers ity Clubtha t ’s the a tmo
s phere co llege men
fi nd here \Ve know
wha t you wan t i n
clo thes and furn i shi ngs we see tha t you
get i t a t the r igh t
pr ice .
Come i n and see
for yourself .
REPUBLIC BU ILD ING CH ICAGO
6Run f or Ce tlege Menby ( .odegeMen
I‘ll
—“urflll
I‘M—_IDI—lnl—IIN—Wll—ml—llll—lll—flll—II—fll
—U
[ 30]
Speaki ng of D ogsThose who a re tak i ng map work i n Mi li tary
G eography maybe pleased to know tha t plan :be i ng made to perfect a new me thod for determ.
the plac i ng o f con tours on a map . Th i s wo:be i ng conducted bv Pro fes sor Schmeltzer of
C . E . D epa rtmen t, who plan s to wr i te a texton the subject.
He plan s to cross a Mex ican Ha i rles s dog w
Po i n ter,the result i ngbreedbei ng called a
tour D og .
” He then plans to take a coin an c’
the top o f the dog’
sback un til a waterbli stra i sed to a good heigh t . Th i s waterbli sterthen act. as a le v el v ial such as that on the con
carpen ters’ le v el.
W i th th i sblister on h i sback,the dog wi ll
to tra v el a long the same le v el a t all t imes,f
he shouldbegi n to ascend h i s fron t feet wi 'h igher than h i sback ones and the water i nbli s ter would mo v e to the fron t of thebli sterbegi n to hurt h im and he would immediatelyto the le v el. The same th ing would happen i t
dog shouldbeg in to descend .
Now to make th i s i n v en tion useful, ProfSchmeltzer plan s to s tr i pe the ta i l of the dog
certai n gradua tion s as on the le v el rod .
Now f or the applicati on of the of i n v en tion
i n s trumen t (Tran s i t ) wouldbe set up and the dog
set out on the le v el of the i n strumen t . The dog
would run keepi ng on that ele v ation for the reason
g i v en . A fter the dog had gon e a certa i n di stance
the i n strumen t man would wh i stle,and the dog
would turn around and at the same t ime ra i se h i s
ta i l up i n the a i r . The i n strumen t could then s i gh t
upon the ta i l and record the number of gradua ti on s
tha t couldbe seen on the ta i l,thereby mak i ng the
calculat ion of the d i stance poss ible . Th i s poi n t
coould thenbe plotted -
and i ts ele v ation i s known .
Th i s plan couldbe used on d i fferen t ele v ati on s un ti lthe map was completed .
Further i deas on the ma tter wi ll make the work
of Professor Schmeltzer much easi er and wi llbr i ngthe perfecti on of the i n v en ti on about i n a v eryshort t ime. Such suggestion s are welcome.
NE IGH BOR ( heari ng i n, th e n ewt room the 't‘
OlCG
of the young lad y of the hous e u'
ho ha s jus t com
p i oted a cour se i n elocu t io'n) :“What a splend i d
v oi ce your daugh ter has !”FON D MOTH ER : “ Oh
,but you ough t to hear her
when she i sn’t gargli ng .
” — Ti ye-
r .
Wr i te to the folks at home on
Its use imp l ies a des ire to p lease a s we l l as g ood tastei n se lect ion .
Sold Pla in an d D i e StampedbyB . A . STRAUCH STUD ENT SUPPLY STOREU of I SUPPLY STORE
FINE STATIONERY D EPARTMENTHAMPSH IRE PAPER COMPANY So. Had ley Fa lls , Mass .
[ 3 1 ]
The SIREN
_Jll — 1m— m|— ml— nu- ul| — |fl|—m —ml—ull—m| — m
B A I L E Y a n d H I M E SThe A thletic G oods Stor e
GOLFCLUBSlit lGby
SPALD ING and McGREGOR
GOLF BAGSMadeby
SI’ALD ING McGR-EGOR
NESSOR— S. (Ml-ti D .
BURKE
GOLF BALLSSPALD ING RED
SILVER KINGBABY D IMPLE
U . S. ROY AL
BLUE MA STER
KROFLITE
TAM
SURE SHOT
TENNIS RACKETSIll a- (l i tby
SPALD INGr HARRY C . LEE
\VRIGHT D ITSON
TENNIS BALLS.llu-deby
SI’ALD INtlr “'
RIG IIT S: D ITSON
PENNSYLV ANIA
It i s a pleasur e to show th is quali ty iof [Merchand ise
606 Eas t G reen StreetChuck Ba i ley Sh e lby H imes
— uc —lm— u|I— nu— nu— lm— lui— ml— cm i— nr— Im —nn -m:—uu
The S I R E Nu—u—m—m—Il —u—n —m—m— m—Im _ u
' h n— u—u—u—n —n —u—u—n —u—n —u
Thes is Coversand Enve lopes
pr i n ted by pr i n ters who
know how they should bepr i n ted .
f or we pr i n t more thes i s I
co v ers and en v elopes than
mos t local pr i n ters .
They ar e Right
PROFESSOR STARE N W IGGELL
Quotes profus e ly from V i rg i l,Home r, Ov id , et a l. Pa rt icula r ly I MarrlOtt Ml lesda nge rous wh en a rous ed . Mus t be Pr interst rea ted as a comrade . In tends to
wri te a text s omet ime w i th in t he ne x t Succeed i ng Ma rr i ot t s Pu n t Sh op
two decades . Ca n s pot a Fa ls e Is ado 1 1 0N. Wa lnut Ph one 1 698
r ian D ec re ta l from a ny d is tance w it h in Ups ta irstwen ty fee t . —un —m|—m—eu
— |m —|m - :m—mi —: n -mi
inois as a etter
upp tore
it willbe the
ON THE SQUARE
—|m —M — l — u. — II‘— Illl— IN_II—ml_ l|l — |l| — lm — llfl— un— llll —|ll— l|l — u
STATE a t JACKSON—CHICAGO
n swc ta g es
h a sbecom e recogn i z ed a s th e correct
yle cen ter of m iddle w est Un iversi ty men .
Its vari eties are greater. Its values are unquestion ably superi or. It presen ts all of th e smartestcollegiate sty les of th e coun try
’s leadin g makers— an d i t i s exclusive. W h ere else could you find
such a combin ation of advan tages?
The S I R E Nu- m — u— 1lfl— nu -_w— "n— ln — ll
C ome to
COLLEGEHALL
befor e the grea touts ide lur es you
o n these fin e Spr i ngeven i ngs .
Rum. B o xA l-n rlc'
s Mt'
sm
w — IIII —nI|ion—n—u-n—t—n
—n
—nu—[m—m—n_uc-|u—m_M—m—u—n_u—m
—l+he N ew Fratern i ty
Ser i es
MEGA PROFIT
Commerce
[ 2 ]
_ nu—u_ — m|_ —|u|
ull “'l
Pri vate Rooms for
Banquets and
Partzes
'
ll
lI
Il
l‘
Iflfl
li
l.
Ii
la
ll
l-
‘
ISI
Ii|i
l—
I!
I
—
I-=
I
POLICEMAN ( to woma n d r i ver) :“ Hey , you !
Wha t’
s the ma tter ?”
lVOMAN ( i n, trafi ic jam) :" \Vell, you see I jus t
had my car wa shed , a nd I can’
t do a th ing wi thi t .
’- Ti mes .
KIND LA D Y : “ What i s your n ame , li t tleboy ? ”
Boy :“ Joshua Shad rack Lemuel Totts .
”
KIN D LAD Y : “Well,well
,wh o ga v e you tha t
name ? ”
BOY :“ I dunn o yet,but I’
ll fin d h im some day ;
— B ea rcrelle .
HEA D W A ITER : “ How d i d you find the luncheo n ,
s i r ?”
PATRON : “ Oh,I had a h a rd job, you li t t le ra scal,but I fi nally d i sco v ered i tbeh i nd the sa lt - seller .
”
—Royal Gaboon .
KIN D LY OLD LA D Y :“ Y ou say you
’ v ebeen on th e
force ei gh t years? t y ha v en ’
t you some ser v i cestr ipes on your slee v e ? ”
Cor : “ I don’t wear them. They eha fe my nose.
— Tiger .
tu t “ I"'I‘
You rbest e ff o rt s wh e n a c
cep t ed , wi l l p o pu la r ize you rC o m i c w ith m i l l ion s i n
Th e Bes t Com ed y i n Am er i ca
C h i c a g 0
The S I R E N
une issue
t o fin i sh i s a
in gm agaz in e
in ish in g Neck and Neck an i n
compa rable Joh n Held , Jr cover .
— n o
our win n ers in t h e Jun e humor
ous a n d fi ct i on class ic
Frank R. Ad am s
Th yra Sam t er Wi n s lowCh arles Co lli n s
Rober t Ben ch leyMn art is t ic s teeplechase
hand i cap sbyFran k li n Booth
Ar th u r Wi lli am Brown
R. F. Sch abeli t zRa lph Ba rt on
Th e verybes t f rom th e lead ing college com ics
and th e second in s tallm en t of“GLITTER
” byKa tharin e Brush .
COLLEGE HUMOR i s a lways eager to secure th e work ofCollegia te Humor is ts . Sen d us yourbes t ma ter ia l
dur in g th e summer - vaca t ion .
COLLEGE HUMOR n ow ha s vaca t ion open in gs f or college
men who wi ll work on a sa la ry andbon us a rran gemen t , f or
a ten weeks per iod . Go- get ters wi th p revious sales exp er
ience wan ted .
The S I R E N
n on -removablehead
a n am e “ Boy ,d on
’t ta ke a no th e r d r-op ! I jus tblew mybrea t ho n t h is coat and took out two s pot s .
Marlowe sang the toples s towers of Ilium . Is ingthe toples s tubes of Mennen . Iw an t a good nam e
for the new non - remov able, non - refillable,non
leakable dev ice tha t now makes th e Mennen Shav D efin i ti071ing
osrl
l
‘
zirr
ilcontain
c
e
l
r a
;in imitahlreas its con ten ts . “ ECONOMISTS a re the hod men o f the i n tellec
Mennen
s
ha
a
s
v
sggiishzo
d $1 3 ure e caprrcrous cap .
tual edi fice,who ha v e climbed upon the wall, and
Jus t mo v e the Menn en knoba quarter turn and i n si st uponbui ldi ng as i f they were mason s .
”
a hole magically appears . A fter you’
ve squeezed —Thoma,s Carlyle .
out enough cream , anoth er quar ter turn closes th e
hole as t igh t as a drum . No threads to en gage, nobother of any kind.
It’
s a knock- out— as far ah ead of o th er sealingdev ices as Menn en Sh av ing Cream i s ah ead of th e
proces s ion .
W e’
v e called' th is new pa ten ted fea ture th e
plug- t i te top .
” W e wan t abe t ter name. If you can
sugges t on e w e like,w e
’
ll send you a hundred
dollars . If more than one subm i ts th e w inn ingname
,each one w ill get the cen tury check.
To everyone who sends a sugges t ion w e’
ll ma il
a complimen tary tube of Mennen Skin B alm, the
cooling, healing after - shav e cream tha t’s fragran tand greaseles s . Let me h ear from you. Contes tcloses July first. Use the
SHAUIHG CRED I'I
The S I R E Nu_mi—m_ —u _ml— l‘"— ln|— m.—|u|— u|| _Il‘l
Five year s ago a movemen t
was sta rted , among the stu
den ts , fo r the establi shm en t
o f a co -operativebooksto re .
From a small organ iz a
tion o f a few hundr ed m em
ber s the Real Co -op gradu
ally grew , un ti l'
n ow i t has
more than m ember s .
There are , however , stu
den ts who have not taken
advan tage o f the benefitsofier edby thi s organ iz ation .
It i s n ot too late— beginnow .
A do l lar makes you a member .
N
H
Y ou can buy all y our books and
supp l ies h ere .
3 . Y ou sh are i n th e p rofi ts propor
t i onately to your purch ases .
4 .
'Your do l lar i s returned to you
wh en you leave sch oo l .
Illi noi s on ly C'o -opera t-i r c B ooks tor e
40-1 Sou r “ MATH EWS A VENU E
—u[|—un M— ml—nu— [m— nu— uu _nu—"ll— l l l l— "ll— "n— “ll— nll
l im'
t n (l uns'
r :“ Look here
,the ra i n i s s imply
pour i ng th rough the roof o f my lied -room .
”
SUMM ER Ho'
r Ei . I‘Rormnr on :
“ Absolutely ac
cord ing to our s i r . Runn i ng water i n
e v ery room .
” —Gol; li -n .
Mo ther,do ca ts go to hea v en
“ No,my dea r . D i dn
’t you h ear the mi n i s ter say
tha t an imals d i dn’t: ha v e souls .
”
l 'Vell,where do they get the s tr i ngs f or the
harps then— B cllc H op .
FEMALE : “Wha t do you th i nk of ' a fellow who
makes a gi rlblush ?”MALE :
“ I th i nk he’
s a wonder .
D RUNK :“ Let
’s ea t .
SLOPPED : “Where’ll we eat ?
”
D RUNK :“ Let
’s eat up the street .
SLOPPED : “ No,thank s : don
’
t care for a sph alt .
— Wh i te Mule.
Iota
Ph i Mu,wi ll you th i n k I
’m a cat ?
—|n| —n|| —ml —|lll— |ln
NUTRITIOUS D IET FOR
ATHLETES inTRAININGEndor sedby coaches and phys i cal d i rector s .
E xce l len t as a s tuden t ’s lunch eon .
Famous f or i ts qua l i ty an d fla v or and i s
a lway s de l ic ious , in v igora t in g an d refresh ing . Hea l th and s treng th are s toredi n every g lass ful .
“ll— l l l l— l l l l — Illl— IllI— iIIl— I l l| — l l l l — l l l l— I|ll_ —|III— l l ll— ll l l—Wl
VERY REFRESHING AND
INVIGORATING After STUD Y
— 4:
S
lgla
l
3
I.
a
E8
5
Ig
EE
l2
ElB
ll
lll
IEI.
E
E— "l'
The S I R E Nu—uu—m—m—nu—un—nn—un—|u— nu— nu—m—m‘
f‘
The N ew Fratern i ty—nu—nu—w -nu—mi— |m —uu— iun
Qua li ty fir s t ; Service a lways ISer i es
AWe Carry a Complete
Lme of lCut. flowers : plan ts i n keepi ng wi th the season :bulbs ;gold fish and suppli es . 1we make a specialty of
cor sages ; party, weddi ng, 1
and formal decoration s ; ap ipropr iate des ign s for tu lnerals .
D eli ver -
y made to any part iof Champa ign or Urba na»
.
l1
ll
J.W il l/”019
iFLOW ERS TELEGRAPH ED i
EVERYWH ERE f3
Telephones : ill -2986,M-2987 i ON G RE EN
SLI NGA LI NA BUNKc x— m— w—u—u—n—u—u—u—u—m—m—n! o Jour l
na’li s ri cu—nu—u—uu—m—uu—m —~ar—w— nn— nu— noxe
n—n —m—n—u—n — m—m—u—u— m—n—w—u—n —w—n — l|—n u —flIl—N— lll—Inl_lll—Ill — Il —ull—lll— I I I I— Ill'I— lllI—lm— :Ili -lm— lln
THE
CORNER DRUG STOR’
G reen and Si xth Streets
at at
Not how cheap—but howImpor ted Perfumes
wellwe can do your workVan i ty Compacts
Prescr i pti on D epar tmen t
Three Reg i s tered Pharmaci s tsNow is the time
at at
B . E . SPALD ING(Owner ) A uro 1 227)
n—n—n—n—n—u—n—n—n—n—m—n—n—n—m—ln—m—n—m
ln—m—m—n—nuit
5
m— uu— m—nu—um—m— nu— ml u— Ill'I— "Ii— I III—Im— I lli— lll — IlL— l l ll—Lm— |m — I’l|—nll—|m—W —m—n —m—u—M—m—u—m—m—|u—u
H
—n|—.l—I—C|I
u—mu—q—n
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I—fln
lg
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Ifl-
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I:
la
ll'
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li
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I.
n
CLEANERS— DYERS
The SJ IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT ls
IT
NO
W
DO
I
5“ IN TWO B UCK S PIN TWO B UCKS PIN TWO B UCK S D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O IT NOW D O [T
'
s. 7
I R E N
Gi sh take s a
cour se in Astron omSome people can tell Sirius from the o ther starsand that’s easy,because once you know what Siriuslooks like , it
’
s apt to look the same way nex t t ime .
But the readers o f Van ityFair are the real astronomers . T hey can tell Ro sz ikafrom Y an csi . T hey ne v er con fuse G ilda G rey and Madame Simone . T heycan dist inguish Charlo tte G reenwood from Mrs . Fiske
‘
.
E v en in Such a difli cult astronom ical computat ion as the one abo v e,Freddy and
Iaren’
t at a loss. W e know that the div ine hos iery— the third from the le ftis Helena
’
s . (And do you know tha t she .is really Mrs . Heywood Broun , and
Mo rris G est has engaged her to play the Madonn a in n ex t year’
s M iracle ?)Such tales men tell under the haun t ing stars ! T schtsch l
In ea ch issue of Va n i ty Fa i r youfind
Th e S tage : Pho tographs o f thebeauti ful and the
un ique ; rev iews and s torm warn ings ; a ca ta log o f thefixed and variable s tars .
Mov ies : Sti l ls and s tor ies o f the meri torious and theunusua l . Press agen tsbanned .
Hum or : Works o f poets and o ther traged ians ; highsa t i re from the pens o f grea t wr i ters and the penc i ls o fgrea t art i s ts .
G ravam en : Every new movemen t, every unusua lV ieWpom t , every un ique s lan t a t the amusmg wo rld , Ism i rro red i n Van i ty Fa i r.
Spor ts : All o f them— mascul ine , femin ine and neuter—pho tographs , news i tems and me thods o f play.
Th e Ar ts , a s Such : Thebes t work o f the new art istsand the new work o f thebes t ones ; exh ibi t i on gossmand reproduc tions o f the season '
s mas terp ieces .
In door Spor ts : The tricks and turns o fbridge and
Mah Jong ; how to get the mos t out o f your co l legeeducation .
An d i n Add i t i on : The la tes t no tes in mus ic , men’
sfashions , mo tors , and dancmg. All you need to knowrecklessly i l lus tra ted .
1 0 i ssues f o r $ 2
Vani ty Fa ir, Greenwich,Conn .
Twinkle,twinkle
, li ttle s tar,Are you shown in Van i ty Fair ?For twobut/es a t tached I rateTen i ssues from the curren t da te .
TEAR IT OUT TE A R IT OUT TE AR IT OUT TE AR IT O UT F ILL IT IN F ILL IT IN F ILL IT IN F ILL IT IN
Name , etc
I llus tration copy ri gh tby Va n ity Fa ir
T
NO\V
DO
I
The S I R E N
BobComes to C ollege1 . B eca us e i t i s a d i s ti nction .
B eca use he’
d ra ther not go to work .
B eca use he wan ts to go wi th the crowd .
Becaus e he enjoys good t imes .
B eca us e of a t lea s t 1 0 co -eds .
( 3. B eca use h e wan ts to know wha t i t i s like,
a nd la s tly
7. B eca use the other good fellows do the same .
0
:,
t
-i
S
BobFlunks Out of College1 . B ecaus e i t i s a d i s ti nction .
B eca us e. he’d ra ther not go to work .
3 . Because he wan ts to go wi th the crowd .
4 . B ecause he enjoys good t imes .
5. B ecaus e of at least 1 0 co -eds .
6 . Because he wan ts to know what i t i s like
and las tly
7. B ecaus e the other good fellows do the same.
The Better Li ne
“ No , Bob, I have n ' t a t h ing on ton igh t ! "
Thundera tion
Wh ich Vachel Li ndsay mi gh t jus t a s wellha ve wr i tten .)
I saw a li ttle cloud, away up i n the sky
I though t i t wa s li ttle,
I though t i t was li ttle,
But i t wa s n’t li ttle,
No,i t was really li ttle,
Why, of course i t wasn’t li ttle
,
It was on ly far away.
Theblue win dblew,
Theblue w i ndblew,
Theblue wi ndblew win dblue wi ndblewlV-o-o-o—o-o -o -o-o-o-o - o-o ~o
W—o-o -o -o-o-o -o -o-o-o -o-o-o
Then , FLASH came the ligh tn i ng,
BOOM, wen t the thunder,
FLASH FLASH FLASH FLASH,
BOOM BOOM BOOM B OOM,
FLASH BOOM FLASH BOOM,
FLASH FLASH BOOM BOOM,
BANG !
Tha t BANG was the fa lli ng of a mon s trous oak tree,
(I d i dn’t say a maple tree,
I di dn’t say a maple tree)
Then
Then
The ra in s toped falli ng, and the sky grew clear
The rumbling of the thunderbecame less n ear
I s tr ipped of? myba thi ng sui t, and s tood there i n
i n my ski n .
(I was damn good-look ing, for the shape I was i n .)
S
SH E : “ The Pi fys i n tend tobui ld thi s spr i ng .
HE Not so impor tan t, most of them I e v er saw
were pretty wellbui lt already .
”
Fmsr JESTER : “Whadja do last n igh t? ”
SECON D JESTER Z “ Oh, just fooled aroun d .
Ablue wind came from. the warmblue wes t,
I saw a purple card i na l fly ing to h i s n es t
Th en came a ra in d rop, th en came a nother,
THEN came another,THEN ca ni e a no ther
,
(I was i n aba th i ng sui t,
B a th ing sui t,ba th i ng sui t,
I was i n aba thing sui t,I
D idn t mi nd the water .)
Pledge D uty
Rules , tobe Posted on the D oor
of A ny Studen t’
s Room
Gen tlemen en ter i ng th i s room wi ll lea v e the
door wi de open or apolog i ze.
Persons ha v i ng nobus i n ess wi th those i n th i s
room w i ll call often ,take a cha i r and lean aga i n st
the wall ; i t .wi ll preser v e the wall and may pre v en ti t from falli ng on us .
Gen tlemen are requi red to smoke . Tobacco wi llbe furn i sh ed .
Spi t on
'
the floor,the cuspidor s are ornamen ts .
Profane language i s expected at all t imes .
Put yourfeet on the table, or lean on the desk ,
It wi llbe a grea t as s i stan ce to th ose who a re
wr i t i ng .
D on’
t wipe your“feet . It soi ls the mat .
Read all correspondence on the desks . If i t
does no t gi v e the desi red i n formation A SK FOR IT.
S
Pome
Ulys ses was a mi gh ty Gr eek who sa i led upon
the seas,
To sa ve the Gr eci an Na t ion and to form,
fra ter n i ti eswa lloped Me-n ela ns a nd h elped s torm the wa lls
of Troy"Ti l the good old Tr oja ns hc
-llcr ed :“ Ther e
’
s a
hor se on us, Oy ! Oy !”
The S I R E N
Applesauce 1”
(B ell r i ngs, character s d i sappearbeh i ndIon i an pi llar .)
D ON’T FORGET SUPPER.
F IN ISq
The Brotherhood of Man
X enophon and. Z en ocles
SCENE I kwt henona .4 thens
Th i fl }
CH ARACTERS— X en oph on ,and Z enocles , two Jun i ors
i n the A then i an Un i v ers i ty .
X ENCPH CN“ I see the Be ta ’
s ha v e pledged
Z ENCCLEs That C-ooti e - t i ckler
“ Y es,Zeus must ha v e gi v en thebrothers i tch
i ng powder .
”
Chara cters wa lk around the D or ie pi lla r .)
The Stoi cs ha v e sor ta h i t the down grade.
“ Y eh ,they don
’t know how to pledge. Th i s
ma rtyr stuff don ’
t go so well w i th modern youth s .
”
“ The Epi curean s h a v e thebest system . Those
m i dn igh t and all day fea s ts are no slouch as per
sn aders . l ’d gone Epi curean i f I’
d had the chance .
Y eh,but I (hurt kn own I fiogen es and_ ins
Barrel clubki nda appeal to me .
“ Oh,th i s h on es t man lin e i s allbunk . Y ou know
as well as I do that he’sbeen pulli ng i t for the last
ten years .
“ But he’s got the rep , an d the rep i s wha t coun ts ,
anyway . I’m fer h im i f he ne ver gets an hones t
man .
”
N
The S I R E N
Idea of a Fratern ityby One Who has Never Seen One .
The S I R E N
D EAR
I WANT you should kn ow how Iwas rushed . Th i s was the way i t
I PICK ED out the Orange Pi es,because they allow h ouse dogs,
and wen t o v er IVedn esday n igh t .
It happened there was other com
pany presen t, come tobe rushed
too,
I guess . But I looked them
o v er,and there was nonebetter
looki ng than me, Ma .
I sa y s,
“ How do you do . I'
m
E ls ie Schmalz,
”
( like I learn ed a t
“’
oman'
s League Tea ) all around
the fron t room . Mos t of them
says ,“ Els ie “
'
ho -o ?” “ Schmalz,
I says ,‘S-C-H -M—A -L- Z .
”
Schmalz ? ”says one gi rl,
“ Iseem to recogn i ze the n ame .
“ There,
” I says ,“ I knew some
body dran k l’a’s beer .
” A ftertha t I sort of felt a t home
,e v en
though I a in’
t no I) . A . It .
TH ERE was a . f a t gi r l there who
sa i d she d runk e igh t glasses o f
water a day .
“ A gla ss a t e v erymeal ?
"says I
, jok i ng . But n o
body laughed, so I guess n obodygot the joke .
SAY,
I says, a f ter wh i le,because they acted li ke they was
tongue- t i ed “
you got these minute
organ i sms i n your dr i nk ing water
too,
a i n’t you
? ” Nobody sa i d
n o th i ng,but somebodybegan to
cough .
D o you li ke to dance wi th
Rokusek ? ”says one gi rl to an
o ther .
“ Ha h a,
”says I wi tty,
“ D o you li ke to hea r Red G range
s i ng? ” A nd to the wa i ter
,I says ,
“ Han d me an other hot potato .
”
[ 1 4 ]
TH EN wen t i n and sat down
to d inner . Each gi rl prays for her
own food . That i s,they si ng, I
mean . A nd i t’s good that they
s i ngbefore,because nobody could
s i ng a fterwards . What they hadwas good .
TH ERE a i n’t no usebuyi ng a
house wi th a cheap pi n li ke t hat,
s i nce Pa sold the South D akota
I AM goi ng to let thembi d methough , so I can tell people how
many soror i t ies Ibeenbid . I am
sorry n ow I d i dn ’t let them rush
me Hexapoecia , so I could turn
them down .
Y our s filially
CAN I h a v e some more water ? ”
I says, when the bless ing was
th rough .
“ I dr i n k lots . Y ou
ough ta had a pipe run i n from the
ki tchen f or me .
” They laughed,
and one says ,“ A gas p ipe
? ” That
was the same one who says she
kn ew the Schmalz name .
TH EN they s tarted to talk aboutbui ldi ng a new house .
“ Gosh,
” I
says ,“ A i n
’
t the Theta house
grand !”Then
, just to make them
th i n k Ibeen there fi rst,I says ,
“ The Thetas got thei r cur ta i n s
up .
”'
Y eh,
”says a snooty g i rl
wear i ng a swi tch,
“ They got a
roof on the i r house,too .
” But
she’s crazy, Ma—
you don ’t ha v e
tobe i n i t to kn ow tha t .
FINALLY I asked could I see
one of thei r pi n s . A nd Ma,could
you guess i t, when I saw thei r
pi n i t wasn’t the house I though t
i t was at all,that i s
,i t wasn
’t
the pi n I though t . It was a cheap
looki ng th i ng hardly any pearls
and no d iamonds atall,and I says
to the gi rl n ex t to me, as soon a s
di nner was o v er,
“ E xcuse me,
please, and then I wen t home .
NEWLY INIT IATED BROTHER.
“ I s hay the re !a in’t p ledgs h no more ! "
Tr iolet
Well,he gave me h i s p in ,
B a tbeli eve we ki d, I
H ad to work like old s in
A n d hel gatte me hi s pla
(Thank Ga u‘
d,he
'
d had G i n ! )It was easy as p i e.
Well,he ga t e me h i s pi n
(Now h e wonders why !)
If God Had Cr eated Fratern i ti es
EVE— Zeta Tau A lpha . (Nobli nds . )SNAK E— Si gma Nu.
GA IN— A lpha Ch i Rho.
JAGOB— Tl‘ibe of Illi n i . (\Vrestled all n igh t . )MOSES— Ph i D elta Phi .
JONAH— D olph i n s .
D AV I DSOLOMON— Ph i Beta Kappa .
D AGON— Plll Kappa . (Half fi sh . )A BRAH AM fl Tlleta Nu Eps i lon . (Led the tr ibes . )Josnrn
‘
s BROTH ERS— Zeta Beta Tau .
JU D AS ISCARIOT— Commel‘
ce Club.
The S I R E N
Manua l of Amer ican College Fra tern i t i es ,
by W i l li am Raymon d Ba ird . Th e A lcolm Co
New York , 1 905.
WHEN TH IS BOOK firs t came to th e a t ten t ion o f
th e re v iewer h e asked h imse l f, “ Wh y— wh y i s i t tha t i n a
commun i ty of th is k ind , such a va luable l iterary acqu is it ion h as apparen t ly been over looked ? ”
Th ere may beth ose who h ave h eard of th e volume i n th e Un i v ers i ty ;th ey are indeed for tuna te . But th e vas t ma jor i ty of col
lege s tuden ts , we fear , h ave h ad no way i n wh ich tobecome acqua in ted w i th e i th er Mr . Ba ird or h i s monumen ta lwork . Let us h ope th a t someday th is exce l len tbook w i l lrece ive th e a t ten t ion i t deserves .
Mr . Ba ird '
s exce l len t d iscr im ina t ing judgmen t sh owsi tse l f ear ly i n th ebook wh ere h e say s ,
“ I t i s not expectedth a t many new fra tern i t ies w i l l ar ise. Th ose tha t
h a v e or ig ina ted s ince 1 870 are compara t ively un impor tan ti f l iv ing , or have ceased to ex is t . " I f th e casua l readeri s tempted to doubt th is s ta temen t , abr ief survey of any
m idwes t col lege campus w i l l con v ince h im of i ts va l id i ty .
Mr . Ba ird commen ts facet ious ly thus concern ing D e l taKappa Eps i lon , wh ich any D eke w i l l h as ten to assure you
i s s trong i n th e Eas t , A t Harvard th e ch ap ter of D .
K . E . degenera ted in to a soph omore soc iety ca l led th e“
D ickey C lub. Its members jo in A lph a D e l ta Ph i , D e l taUps i lon and oth er fra tern i t ies i n th e ir jun ior year . Th e
act i v e member s of D . K . E . and A lph a D e l ta Ph i at col
leges wh ere they are r iva ls are somewha tbew i ldered at
such in s tances of double membersh ip . Wh ich , of course ,
accoun ts n ice ly for th e dazed cond i t ion of members of th e
two a foremen t ioned fra tern i t ies .
Mr . Ba i rd exposes th e fo l low ing a ims of co l lege f ra
tern i t i es : A lph a D e l ta Ph i : th e cul t iva t ion of a c losebond o f fr iendsh ip , an d th e a t ta inmen t of a h igh er and
broader cul ture than th a t a ffordedby th e regular co l legecourse
"
; A lpha Tau Omega : an organ iza t ion i n
wh ich th e pr inc ip les th a t go toward form ing a h igh typeof manh ood sh ould be fos tered "
; D e l ta Ph i : It’
s
pol icy h as been to p lace chapters w i th in easy reach of
each o th er ( for protect ion , D e l ta Tau D e l ta :Th e fra tern i ty flower , commen ts th e auth or cur t ly ,
i s th e pan sy a fter a grea t dea l of research in to th e
records of th e dead pas t Mr . Ba ird has d iscovered th a tKappa Sigma i s founded on th ebas is of an anc ien tEuropean secret order , f or many y ears a lmos t ext inct ,wh ich wa s foun ded a t th e Un iver s i ty of Bo lognabetween1 395 and
Of Ph i Kappa Ps i , th e auth or says , A t th e t ime of i ts
found ing th ere was an ep idem ic of typh o id fever i n th e
co l lege, and dayby day th ose not pros tra tedby th e d iseasesat at th ebeds ide of th e ir affl icted fr iends . Th e warm
fr iendsh ip formed r ipened in to th e fra terna l sen t i omen t . I t may be reca l led tha t a cer ta in Mr . Boccacc ioonce took advan tage of th e same s ta te of a ff a irs to g iveth e wor ld ano th er importan t in s t i tut ion .
A nd final ly th e auth or of th is va luable treat ise i n
tones emph a t ica l ly , Th e fra tern i ty men are , on th e average , abet ter class than th ose who are outs ide of th e sys
tem among th e ir assoc ia tes ; for th ey are se lected fromeducated c i rc les composed of p icked men .
A ny th ing we m igh t add i n pra is e of th isbook wouldbe an t ic l imax .
[ 1 5 ]
The S I R E N
ED ITE D BY SIGMA D ELTA CHI
BOARD or ED ITORSW ILLIAM R. FRANKLIN WM . H . BEATTY , Ch a i rman R. H . MILES , A ss oci a te W . R. D EUELG R SM ITH FLORENCE NonrmncE, Exch an ge Ed i tor R. E . HA swaLL
BUSINESS STAFF
H . F. HUGHES, Bus in ess Manager
I . J . Kess ler Loca l A dver t is ing Manag er R. B . Webb Ci r cula t i on Manager
BobHoffman Ci r cula t ion an d Copy Manager D e laware Harr is on Na t i ona l A dver t is in g Manager
Bus i n ess Staff A ss i s tan tsHe len Gabe l in e ,
’
27, E l l iot Karole ,
’
28, Jack Samue ls ,
’
27, A r t i s tsJane Judson ,
'
28» ROY Riser ,
'
28' Frances Gus taven son ,
’
217, B i l l Jacob, E . A . Tauber t , Ra lph Pa tch , Hal Perer ia , BobGeorge Kappus , 27' Stan ton Ch r i s tensen , 28’ Grace Good '
Gus t in , O . K . Joh n s ton , E lder Bates , A xe l Gruenberg ,He len
man ,
’
27, F lorence Jacks on E . K . Joh nson ,
'
27, R. A .
Warren ,
’
28, R. C , Han sen , 28.
Fa i th w tch ell, Ruth Sh augh n essy .
Publ ished monthlyby the Illin i Publ ish in g Compan y , Un ivers ity of I ll inois , dur in g the college yea r . Entered as s econd-class matter at the Postofl i ce a t U rban a , I ll inois , by Act of Con gress , Ma rch 3 , 1 879. O ff ice o f publ ication , Illin i Publ ish in g Compan y . Subscr iption pr ice the year ,by ma il . A ddress all commun icat ion s , I ll inois Un ion Buildin g . Copy r ighted . Quotat ion without perm is s ion i s den ied.
We C ontinue
Hav ingbegun , th e next th ing f or Sigma D e l ta Ch i to
do i s to con t inue . Old G ir l S iren modes t ly c lad in h er n ew
po l icy ,began razzi ng , th e dumbes t th ing on th e campus— tex tbooks . Sh e con t inues in h er s econd fligh tby a ttacki ng th e n e x t dumbes t th ing on the campus— fra tern i t ie s .
O f all forms o f n incompoopery , fra tern i t ies are th e mos tid iot ic . Th is con clus ion th e ed i tors ,
all of wh om h avepar taken of severa l var ie t ies of profes s iona l and soc ia ln incompoopery , have reach ed , and h o ld tobe subs tan t ia tedby any fra tern i ty ’
s r i tua l and con s t i tut ion .
Soc ial fra tern i t ie s h ave two purpose s : firs t , to feedand wa ter th ebre th ren ; second , to convert p ledges in tobroth ers . In th i s fi rs t purpose fra tern i t ies are dy spep t icfa i lures ; i n th e ir s econ d purpos e th ey are em in en t ly suc
ces s ful, for no p ledge can everbecome abroth er un t i l h eh as firs t ass im i la ted all th e a t tr ibutes of th e duly ln
i t ia ted . A man jo ins a fratern i ty on th e cond i t ion th a twe w i l lbecome l ike the oth er frate rs . Th is con d i t ion ful
fi l led ,th e s econd object ive o f a fratern i ty i s so lved ,
ipsofacto .
Y e t fratern i t ie s s in ce th e ir found ingby Mar t in Ka l l i~kak have ins is ted th a t in i t iat ions were n eces sary to i n
s truc t th e n eoph y tes i n th e g rea t t ruth s o f th e order .
Th ese truth s a re s ecre t . The d i fferencebe tween knowledge and ignoran ce o f th es e truth s i s the d i fferen ce "between a p ledge and abrothe r .
Ph i Magne ta Tau i s no d i ff e ren t from any o ther f ra
tern i ty th ough h er a lumn i h arangue th ebroth e rs to th e
con trary a t every Founder’
s daybanque t . H er truth s , h er
pr inc iples ,h e r founda t ion s a re on ly d is c los ed to th e n eo
ph y te a fter h e h asbeen sound lybea ten ,brough t home a
black cat i n th e dark of th e moon , ea ten raw oy s tersgarn ish ed wi th asa foed i ta , and pas sed an in te l l igence tes ton th e loca t ion and ch aracter is t ics of seven ty -five
o th er fra tern i t ies .
I t i s a lso deemed neces sa ry i n th e in i t ia t ion to impres sth e neoph y te w i th tha t impor tan t pr inc ip le pecul iar to Ph iMagne ta Tau— h ones ty . O f course , th e p ledge h as on lyh ad s ix tubes of tooth pa s te , a s l icker , and a tenn is racke ts to lenby th e oth erbroth e rs— f or th is reason i t i s n eces
s ary to impress th e p ledge w i th th e v ir tue of hones ty .
By th e same token th e in i t ia te h as a lso known th a tth e th ird pr inc ip le of Ph i Magn eta Tau was co-opera t ion .
Se ldom d id anyone ask for some favor from h i sbroth erwh en h e d idn ’t h ear th e rep ly ,
“
Go to h e l l ! ” or Try an d
get i t . Part icular ly beaut i ful d id th e pr inc ip le o f co
opera t ion work out wh en th e ch apter let ter was publ ished ,
th e h ouse decora ted f or a dance , or an appea l forbet ters ch olar sh ip made .
Th en th ere was th e pr in c ip le of honor . D idn ’t h ekn ow a lready th a t h onor h e ld th e h igh es t p lace i n th e
h ear ts of h i s everybroth e r ? Hadn' t th e off ice r wh o ad
m in is tered th e oa th require h im to occupy as a p ledgeh i s s ea t i n a lecture jus tbe fore Ch r i s tmas . vacation , and
h adn’t h ebeen requi red to g ive th e samebroth er a copy
o f h i s lec ture notes for anoth er course ? Had any of th ebroth ers ever th ough t any th ing of th e ir financ ia l obl igat ions to th e ch ap ter , and weren
’t th ey so much ahead i fth ey could leave s chool w i th out pay ing up
?
A nd fina l ly th ere came th e grea t pr inc ip le of pur i tyrepres entedby th e pear ls in th e Ph i Magne ta Tau pi n
?
We re th e pear ls even neces sary to rem ind th ebre th renof such an obv ious p r in c ip le— th e house pres iden t spendi ng no less th an four n igh ts of th e week wi th a fr iend ly
The S I R EN
Someth ing New in Str ipes
Tale of a Tr agedyThey sat on oppos i te s i des of a Library table
,
pretending to study . He was a greatbigbrawnyout -of —door man and she was a. da in ty , flower -like
,
i ndoor g i rl. They made a charmi ng pa i r, or theywould i f Con v en t ion would let them.
She ra i sed the lid s of her enormousbrown eyes,held them up for an i n stan t
,then let them fall. He
endea v ored - to catch thembefore they droppedbutwas un success ful. Theyboth sighed .
Sudden ly he arose,defi ed Con v en t ion wi th a
th reaten i ng gesture, crossed around the table and
sa tbes ide her . She gasped at h i s dar i ngbut d i d not
say a word . He,too
,was s i len t .
Fi nally he took h i s courage i nboth hands, andwh i spered
“ May I may I He faltered .
“ Oh,
she sa i d . That was all. Two more hours they werewordless .
A gai n he a ttempted to d raw her i nto a conv ersati on .
“May I see you alone out on the South Campusfor a li ttle wh i le Ibelie v e you are the ki nd of a
gi rl who would understand ? ”
lVi thout warn i ng h im at all,she arose
, and leftthe roombeh i nd her . No words accompan i ed her
lea v i ng . It was more li ke a d i sappearance . In h i s
hand she left a li ttle scrap of paper .
“ I am on
s i lence, please don
’
t try to talk to me .
”
Crush i ng brutally the paper i n h i s hand he
rushed a fter her . For, you see
,he was on s i len ce
too.
The Fratern i ty Formal
There was a soun d of r evelryby n igh t,A nd the fra tern i tyboys were ga thered there,Clothed i n the anc ien tblac k and wh i te
,
Thei r ha ir s li cked down,thei r faces fa i r .
Gathered i n. the spaci ous hall
Of the coun try clubi n old Champa ign ,The Greek -
pi nn ed pr i des,brave and ta ll,
D in cd and danced wi th thei r women p a i n .
D anced away the hour sbr i ef,D an ced to the smell of orches tral jazz ;E ncouraged joy, a ndban i shed gr i ef,Tr ipped, these san s
, the li gh t fan taez .
0h they danced and merry made,Un t i l the fina l dance depar ted ;Then
,wearybut happy, home they s trayed,
The dance wa s over, the TALE was jus t s tar ted .
For in twos a/nd threes they grouped around,
A n d di scussed thei r gi r ls, thei r eyes an d n oses ;A nd tha t
,my fr i ends, you wi llbeboun d,
Is the usua l way a forma l closes .
S
PAN-HELL !
[ 1 8 1
A G reek TragedySCENE— In ter i or of an H ellen i c food di spen sary.
PLACE —A then s,Ohi o.
T IME— Ten seconds fla t, ( ti es con fer en ce record .)
IVAITER
Ah,me
,th i sbus i ness sure i s shot
,
Much customers I a i n ’t n o got .
CH ORUSA h
,woe the poor Hellene,
H i sbus i ness i s shot ;
Much trade,as he says i t,
He s imply a i n’t got .
(Strophe.)
WA ITERAh
,woe i s me .
CH ORUSOh weep no more
,fa i r A tti c lad ,
For Zeus rewards the good
For look,here comes a hungry man
A nd sure he cra v eth food .
(En ter Cus tomer .)
CUSTOMERA ll ha i l
,O dark -eyed son of G reece
,
Mybelly cra v eth p ie ;If thou hast not the k i nd I wi sh
Thou surely then must d ie .
CH ORUSO m igh ty Zeus,
Sen d a i d from h igh ;
If you refuse,
He needs must d ie.
IVA ITER
A h, you li ke apple p ie .
Or maybe razzberry .
Try piece of ra i s i n s pi e .
Or maybe some cherry .
No ?
No ?
CUSTOMERWhy name them o
’er
,each k i ndby
The p ie I cra v e i s known as peach .
WA ITERI had some peach an hour ago,
A las,alas
,I ate i t whole
,
So now to Thana tos I go :
0 D eath ha v e mercy on my soul.
K i lls I'Va i ter .)CUSTOMER
Suffer , base v endor of thebody’s nour i sh
men ts !
CH ORUS A n ti s tmphe.)0 mother of A then s
,eye of G reece
,
Weep not upon your fooli sh son,
For he,when fortunebreaks h i s peace,
Cr ies,
“Woe i s me,I am undone .
”
— Omega
I1 9
The S I R E N
Protect Yourse lf andLoved On es!
IVh i skbroo -m’
s Paten ted Ligh tn i ng Con
ductor f or IVearers of D angerous Fra tern i tyButtons .
We guaran tee that wi th on e of D r . Wh i skbroom’s Con ductors you are perfectly safe i n
jo i n i ng all fratern i t ies— from D . K . E . down
to Ph i Beta Kappa . (Or , i f not a fratern i ty,our guaran tee extend s to Ch i Ps i Lodge. )
Weare rs of our pa te n t l igh tn ing con
ductor need hav e no fea r in ven tur ingin to t h e mos t te rrific thunde rs torm.
D ON’
T LET NATURE UND OHER WORK !
Y our LIFE
i s your own— why n o t tr ea t i t as such ?
D r . Wh iskbroom s tandsbeh ind o f every conductor ,
ready toback i t up . BUY ONE ! BUY ONE !
ENCLOSE 30 CENTS (THIRTY CENTS) INYOUR LA UND RY s ox NEXT FRI D AY , TO
PIMBERNICKLESTRASS, STOCKHOLM, IOWA ,
AND REC EIVE av D OG-TEAM ONE SPEC IA L,
MA D E~T0-FIT LIGHTNING COND UCTOR.
NOTE : For ten per cent extra on the pr incipal , we willn g rave your f ra te rn ity crests on the conductor . \Varn in g :Capac ity of one conductor , fi fteen Ch i Ps i crests , and five
Lambda Ch i A lpha crests . Scale your own between these . )
The S I R E N
Motto :
Von One s te in .
ED ITORIAL
(lay th e Ed i
tor 0 1‘ th is pape r h eard
D ean la ffer s ay tha t Ph iMa gne to.
'
l‘
au wa s the bes tfra te rn i ty on the campus .
A nd th at remark s et me. toth ink ing .
Wh y i s i t th a t we are th ebe s t ?Is i t because we got a
r ichbunch o fboys ? No . W e
h aven ’t . Is i t becaus e we
a re all s tra igh t A s tuden ts .
No .
,
We a ren' t .
Wh y i s i t , th en ?We l l
,I can ’t see any rea
s on— excep t tha t we a ll
pul l toge th er . Is n ’t th a twh a t th e Wh i ff letree s tandsfor on our cres t ? —co—operat ion ? Y es , i t i s . D O I h earsomeone say no ? No , of
course not. No one s a id no .
Not even th e Beta Beh e
moth Kappas . We l l , wh ysh ould th ey say no ?
Haven ’t we got th ebes t
The oth erChapter Picture
Read ing f rom lef t to r igh t ( top row) : Ambros e Sn i ff er,s ecre ta ry of t h e Jun io r Ha track comm i tte e ; Napo leon
In Brotherhood ther e i s— Someth ing
NUMBER 222
SPECIAL ARTICLE
( By Bro. W is e ncracke r ' 1 3 )Ed i tor , The Wh i ffo f Ph i Magne ts. Tau :
We l l ,brothers , gues s y outh ough t old B i ff was dead .
d idn ' t you ? No , as you allknow I got marr ied a wh i leback and Mrs . W i sencracker , Godbless h er , jus t takesall my t ime . But th a t wasnot wh a t I was go ing to
wr i te about .I t occurred to me wh en I
read i n the las t is sue of
Th e Wh i ff about th e fi reup i n the old dorm, th a t i tm igh t not h ave h appened i fi t h adbeen oth erw ise . Now
I'
m no on e to preach . I wen tto col lege myse l f once . And
even today I take a wi ff of
a c iga r now and then at the
get- toge th erbanque ts of th e
Ch amber o f Commerce .
But wh a t I was go ing tosay i s th a t smoking migh tbe carr ied to fa r . A nd th ebli nd ! O fboy s on th e cam G lan tz , corpora l, R. O . T . C. br igade ; Hedw ig He lma r, consequences Of carry ing i t
pus? D idn ' t D ean Ga ffer membe r He ims k r i n g la ; (m idd le row ) : Bz rg p Y aap, th i rd to far are tobe seen in th e
say SO ? Y ES. h e d i d » a s s istan t i n A s sy r ian languages ; Lod-ov igo Smi th , act ive charred embers Of the old
Now you can seeby th is on t he Presby te r ia n c rad le - ro l l comm it tee ; Rudo l f WebPh i Magneta Tau dorm.
t ime wh a t I’
m try ing to get phoot , campus s h e ik (ta-ta , Rudy l) ; ( s i tt ing ) : Ham le t 1 don’t wan t to preach .
a t in th is ed i tor ia l— tha tPh i Magneta Tau i s todaywh a t sh e i s th rough CO
OPERAT ION— th rough pul ling TOGETHER. And we D O pul ltoge th er. No one say s we don
’t pul ltoge th er , do they ? No.
Come on now, you old grads— le t ’sa ll pul l TOGETHER f or abigger andbe te r Ph i Magne ta Tau !
ANNOUNCEBIRTHB ige Sn i fter ’
02 , ann ounces th ebirtho f a ten -
poun d in fan tbaby , aged th reeday s . B ige say s th ere i s noth ing l ikea fam i ly l i fe .
GONE HOME'
Fish lckgabb, who h asn’t beenfee l ing we l l la te ly , h as dec ided to qu i t
s choo l for a wh i le . He maybebackn e x t s emes ter , or th e s emes ter a fterth a t . We
'
re s orry Fish h ad to go
h ome .
WRITES US A LETTER
We got a le t te r from Old Ink
Sn i tchwell the other day .
“
Ink i s
out i n Ind ian a work ing i n a Mus tardfac tory . He say s h e l lo to all th eboy s .
“
In k”
y ou w i l l remember , g radua tedw i th h onors
,i s a Ph i Be ta Kappa , was
ed i tor of th e Fla t T i re , and wa s a
campus favor i te .
Th e es t ima ted s peed o f a rabbi t i sa pprox imate ly e tao in s h rdlu cm i
‘
wy pt imes t h e h i l l—c l imbing capac i ty .
Mayonna is e , mes s e nge r, Hoof a nd Horn c lub; a nd Ma l
com Ke re ns ki , d i rec tor Thursday Eve n ing Kn i tt ing C lub.
PERSONALS
Wh atsamatter we a in ’t seen W i l l ie'Wli ipeelwoo f around Y e Choco la teSh oppe la te ly ? Got ta new G ir l , W i l l ie ,
or a re y ou taking Ma th ?Gues s wh o we saw tak ing a g irl to
the Orph eum las t n igh t ? HaroldMacMus tard H imse l f ! Oh , .Harold ,
wha t we know about y ou !Since h e got a A i n E lemen tary
Farm Mechan ics , B i l l Swobach h a sbeen wa lk ing around l i ke th e King of
Aus tra l ia . Th a t maybe al l r igh t , B i l l ,but Mary wi l l tone you down s ome, we
guess .
Ike Hobby h as jus t come in to sayth a t i f anyone wan ts mus ic for a
dance th ey sh ould ca l l h im up and h e
wi l l supp ly h i s Seven Sh iek s”
or
ch es tra for a modera te ch arge . A ndth ey w i l l h ave th ebes t dance ever ,
c la ims Ik e .
Oh , Sam , wh o’
s tha t red -h ead we
saw you w i th y es terday ? A nother one
o f your flame s— huh ?
FOR SALE— T imoth y , a l fa l fa an d
c l ove r h ay and oa ts s traw. H . H .
Can t imworry ,Podun k Falls . (Adv . )
[ 20]
I’
ll let Mrs . W i sencrackerdo tha t , Godbless h er. ( Shei s th e adopted daugh ter of
a m in is ter you know) . But
I s t i l l got a warm p lace i n my heartfor th e old fra tern i ty and I jus t can ’tres is t mak ing th ese observa t ion s .
Wel l , Mrs . W i sencrack er i s ready to
go to prayer mee t ing . She was reared
i n a m in is ter’
s fami ly you know. Bes tregard s from Mrs . W i sencracker and
old B i ff .Fraterna l ly yours ,B IFF WISENCRACKER,
’
1 2.
POET D O ES HIS STUFFEdd ie G idge t , our we l l-known poe t an dcho ir leader , has compos ed the fo l lowi ng song words for old Ph i Mag . Edd iei s certa in ly to be congratulated forth is poem. We cong ra tulate you,
Edd ie !OUR FRATERNITY
0,th ere i s noth ing l i ke our old Ph i
Mag
She certa in ly does ra teFrom Gabba Gaband Ph i Ph i Ph agOurboy s can get a da te .
A nd we are proud o f all our gang?
Y oubet we cer ta in ly are !
Her cres t does i n our s tudy hang ,
Sh e certa in ly w i l l go far !— E D WARD W . GID GE'
I‘’
28
In 1 864 , ton s o f wh a leo i l was imported in to Ire land to makewh a le s tew.
The S I R E N
THE S IREN’
S CROSS -FACE PUZ Z LE
HORI Z ONTAL :
I . A big man on the campus .
2 . A pole a rtist ; and a well -known campusaviation leader .
3 .
“
The Va rs ity bat boy ; and the foremoststudent wa r rior .
6 . Mich iga n 1 4 : I ll ino is 39 1 !7.
“
Spa rk Plug " ; Z up’
s stableman ; Venusat the Foun ta in ; Cra ig Ruby '
s right hand ; andthe ch iefbasket - shoote r .
9. A n op in ion ater ; Si Jimmy '
s namedoes n
' t Ba r r h im .
l l . Mr . Ruby '
s chamberma id ; athleticthough married ; and The Sky Pilot .I4 . Z uppke
’
s end ; a finge rprint expert ; Marc
Tully .
1 6 . Thoma s the waterboy ; a l ite ra ry swimmer ; and the abd icated king o f swat .
I7.
‘
\Vhat counts most is the handymaln o i would -be ath letes ; a nd the handsome
l) e t .
1 8. Bu ild That Stad ium D ress W'
elland Succeed ; and The Crow
’
s Nest .I9. Nurm i
'
s on ly r iva l ; Man ley '
s
hand man ; an Illin i ad-chaser .
20. Make r of track men ; the Flo Z iegfie ldo f the campus ; the new owner o f the d iamond .
r ight
(Solut ion w i llbe found on page
22 . (Aw, shucks , th is is too easy ! )23 . Has a corner on the excuse ma rket ;
T immy me foineba irn ; D ick the l ion -hearted ;cross—country ; Pres ident of the Sigma Nuhouse .
27. The Ea r l of Punter .
28.
“Sin
”-ner ; a rassler— ( not 3 Pi Ph i . )
30. Si r Walter Jolly ; Ed , the swimmingcoach ; and B ill T ilden I I .3 1 . D oc Kan Tu ; and Big T im.
32 . Bill Brown’
s Succes sor .
33 . To prepa re food , in four lette rs .
34 . The perpetrator of th is horr ible atroc ity .
VERTICAL :1 . A whale o f a fish .
2 . D ean of the D ekes ; Buddy of A lpha Ch i
Rho ; Jimmy rolls up the track at n ight ; RingA round
“ Rosy"
; Jackbe N imble ; Ockie, the
Sig eff ic ien cy expert ; D ean F redd ie .
3 .
“
Here at I llinois we do th ings , etc
and an A . T . O . an a rch ist .4 . Little Gus
”
; Cord— what a heluva n ickname !5. A pple of our eyes ;
' Johnny get yourbasket ! ; Ph igamdnhach ; son of an educationa lD ean ; D a ily Illin i
'
s cash register watchdog ;Coach Harry ; to penetrate, in s ix letters .
[ 22 ]
6 . Never hea rd of’
im !8. Coy le vs . et al.9. H is namesake founded The Saturday
Eve Post ! Now look at h im !10. He man ages to get alon g ; R-k— k ; the
p igskin mentor ; and Not W . Lewis , nor Lewisand Cla rk.1 2 . N ine f or VV
allie D on' t get too many
“2'
s"
i n th is ! ; Illin i news ed itor ; and dramaticswith a ven gean ce .
1 3 . Pres ident o f‘
the Epworth League !1 5. The f ormer I ll inois Mag editor ; an ad
for H i Gelvin .
1 6 . Full of B’
s ; and G .
1 9. Clear the track f or Edd ie ! ; “
Theleaves at the Ph i Ps i playwr ight .Simon ich . i n case you can
’t spell i t : hekicks the skin o f p igskins ; an A ll-Amer icanguard .
24 . Amon g other th ings , he ' s Sen ior Pres ident ; The Scott .25. Ne ither Hal, nor Swede ; a Man ly f el
low : Ken .
26 . W ingfoot Sam : th isboy ra ises a racket .29. Kenny rass le Z ybsko ? ; and the party
picked h im for Pres ident .3 1 . The I ll inois Ma g’s managing ed itor ; and
one who has nobus iness here .
The S I R E N(kn—m—U —n — D —W—m— lfl —W— l‘l
m—m—jfl—jn—m
m
—u
—n
—I-m—ll—I
i »
g The N em Frater n i ty
REL IABLE lSW “
B
a
iilI5
iii
The 6 Bus BeePari s D ymg and gy
I
C lean i ng C0 .I
IVe ca ll, for a nd deli ver .
MA IN 1 944 S'
l‘
RE l‘
CH A B I'I‘TA MUSCLE
fl i hlet ic Coach ing
—M—m—M_M— fln—Ifl— lnl— Ill— 3Ml — ml_m—Rfl _flfl— flN— UID— l — l l l l— l l l l —5U _Jll—IIH- Ull—llu—lm— iM- Ml
Pr ivate D in ing Room for
Banquets and Pa r ti es
UPON
Conven ien ce— Com for t
Refin emen t
MERCHAND ISE
Wh ere Y ou Feel at Home
G . W. Byers A . D an ielson
tion—n—un—ln—ul—ll—ll—I|—m—u—u—u—m—m—m—w—n—n—I—I—n—n—I—I
a I
i
Mother LovesGood Choco latesan d remember that Mo thers ’
D ay i s comi ng soon .
We ha v e the exclus i v eagency for St . Loui s’ mos t
famous chocola tes .
Lady Love Chocolates
Made up i n one, two an d
th ree -
poun dboxes .
Supreme Pk lb.Var i ety Pk . lb.Nut Frui t Pk lb.Mi lk Cli ococate Pk .85 lb.For goodness sake ea t Lady
Lo-
ve Chocola tes .
Illin i DrugGO .
GREEN STREET
g‘afl—I-fl—u—fl—I—fl
—fl
-n
The S I R E N
FAMOUS QUOTATIONS'
Come. let me clutch thee — S tra '
ngler
Leu'
ix.
Nough t’sbad , all’s spen t, where our
des i re i s got wi thout con ten t .
”— Peggy
‘ wp c H opk i ns .
“ Speak low i f you speak lo v e .
— E lin or G lyn .
'
Who goeth aborrowi ng goeth a sor
T l'le M i lano.
i s made [ f l-
26 1
smart shapes i n smooth fin i sh,from 353 - 50Up ; (“ 5t fimSh
, Two heads are better than on e.
up—
all In sured fo r — S'fi amese Twin s ,
yourprotect i on . Look for the
Wh i te triangle 0" the Stem “ He i s ne v er alone that i s accompan i ed
WM. D EMUTHWorld '
sLa rgestMan
of Fine Pipes2 80 FIFTH AVE . . NEW Y O RK
FIRST STREET CLEA NER : “ SO B i ll’s dead ; B i ll was
a good s treet cleaner .
”
SECON D STREET CLEANER : “ Y es,B i ll was a good
s treet cleaner ,but don ’t y ou th i nk he was a li ttle
weak around the lamp — Ilf'
h i r l-wi n (Is .
Those K ids !
“'
i LLIE :“ Hey, pop ! I madebetter ’
n 90 i n
A r i thmeti c today .
”
FATH ER :“ IVhy, son , your paper i s marked 45.
W ILL IE : “ I know,but I wasn ’t. half tryi ng .
”
—~Puppet .
MRS. O’RAFEERTY :“ I hear he i s a ph i lan
th rop i s t .
MRS . O’m xmax z
“ Y es,he offered to wi ll $ 1 00,
000 to th e wi ddy o f the Unknown Soldi er .
”
— Ski -U.
-Mah .
'
Si r,Ibeli e v e you’
re tryi ng to k i ss me !”
“'
ell,n ow tha t you unders tand
,suppose we
qui t as sault i ng each o ther and (co -Opera te a li ttle .
”
SH E : “ D oes she s t i ll ha v e that sa v oirIIE : " S aw, she was s i ck after the th i rd g i nbuck ! "
wi th noble —Lord Faun tleroy .
CO - ED ( to Ed) :“ 011
,wha t a cute t ie .
I wi sh I had a dres s made out. of tha t. ”
A re. you s t i ll engaged to that manwi th a. wooden leg
“ NO,Ibroke i t — Il
'
asp .
ROMEO : “ Y uh know,Slim , my auces
tors come out here on a. Mayflower .
”
SLIM :“ Y eah ? Mi n e couldn
’t come,
they had a go to Jul’us Caesar ’s funeral. ”
— C'hi . Phon i aa.
YOU’
LL FEELatHOME
REPUBLIC BUILD ING CFIICA GO
‘Run for College Menby CollegeMen
m—M—m—m—M—w —n —u —u—n —p
The N ew Fratern i tySer i es
IVATCH A GOTTA G AINSTUS
Lega l
"r l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l i
obu—u—m—n—m—m—n—m—u—u—n—m—m—n—n—m—m—m—n—u—m—m—m—ln—n—m—n—n
Young Men’
s Clothesfor Spring
Our s tock of Spr ing Woo len s i s espec ia l ly in te re s t ing to young men— h ere are all th os e fine im
por ted and domes t ic fabr ics tha t make up" in to
th e k ind of c loth es young men l ike . Jerrems
ta i lor ing ,o f cours e , con forms to all the requ ire.
men ts of th e we l l -dres sed man .
Values you w ill appr eci ate
$65 to $1 10Favored mater ia l s are Learoyds , Mart ins , Jos iahFrance , Bannockburn s , Tweeds , En g l ish Wor
s teds ,Homespuns .
It’
s t ime to th ink about Kn ickers— th ey can be ordere d at th e
same t ime you order your sui t .Se lect your Eng l ish Spr ing Overcoa t— Ready -to
Wear— a recen t sh ipmen t from London .
AND SPORT CLO THES
324 SOUTH MICH IGAN AVE .
(Mccorm ick Bu i ld ing )71 Eas t Mon roe St . 7 North LaSalle St.
CH ICAGO
f_\—n
—|n—n—III—N'fl
u—flfl—lul_|fli—W—W—lm_I‘ll—ml
I‘ll
—u
The S I R E N
EA ST GREEN STREET
D ecorati ons
Full li n e of m i c May
a nd Nun na lly Cand ies .
A D ELE MCNEILL ex’
24 L i nmE McNErLL’
27
4.
I
IIIIIIIIl
IIIIIIIIIl
IIIIIII4
YE GIFTE SHOPPE
The S I R E N
BEH IND CLOSED DOORS
Se ExE mee t ing . I FRATER
-u"
rERs Pres i den t . Comm i s sa ry, I Pra ter , II— aw s i nk
Fra te r . Il l Pra ter ,o r Chorus .
Y OUP Sh i p
1 COMM .
I' t h i nk i t
’
s t ime somebody sa id
Some th i ng abo u t the foode rc ge t t ing n ow. I
’m damn nea r dead :
I swea r i t‘
s ge t t i ng s o I d read
To go to di n ne r when we‘
re fed .
“'
e don‘ t ge t wha t we should .
t‘
t tont'
s
Y ou’
re r igh t— a mou th ful you jus t sa id .
do n'
t ge t what we sh ould .
Li s ten . Y ou the re !1 FRATER
A dd res s the cha i r .
II FRATER
G o comby our ha i r !
— W_n —m|—m—nu—I|n_nn _nu—ull_ull— Iln—nfl— InI—mI—Ull—“u *fl— nu —Ull— Im — fll| _ lm—un—ml—w _m_ _“u I‘ll ml
See the New D eauwlle
sanda ls mus tbebr igh ter .
A s axpa t. i n t roduced i n Par i sth i s season : a t fa sh ionable D eau v i lle,i t i s qu i te the sen s a t ion : a n d n ow we
impo r t It f or Spo l‘ls wea r .
Made o f hand -woven . n aturalcrdo red leather , h rn 0ulds to the
f oot a nd actually m akes it ap
pea r s n i afle r . It i s ex tra l ightand pl iable y e t i t s s o le is shaped
f or exccnen t suppo r t
Arcade C lothes ShOpo n
v 4 0
D en t mom gett i ng a pw r for yourself . 0” the Campus
— or eat
Impor ted meat
(Y ou poor dead hea t . )Mush rooms and s teakA nd chocola te cake
From wha t we make
O ff you guy’sboard
,
Y ou’ve got me floored .
“'
e can‘
t a ffo rdI FRATER
IVell looky here now, B ro ther Pres i den t ,“
'
e pay goodboard and damn‘
expen s i v e ren t .A nd
’
whadda we. get ? “'
ell I don‘
t. ca re a
cen t
“'
hat an ybody says :
I know wha t’
s wrong , I guess .
I know my s tomach’s getti ng pun i shmen t .
CH ORUSA tty Ol’ figh t .
New Spr ing Sh i rts
Light Neckties
Fan cy Sox
Spor t Sweaters
Fancy Belts
Ta i lored Flann els
Novelty Light Caps .
The S IR E NThe New Fratern i ty
Ser i es
716 are 10
NATIONA L PA RKOpen Jun e 1 5 to September 1 5 mm ”
GRABBA B IMBO
C ome to G lacier Nat io n a l Park th is summer . H ike , r ide h o rseback ,m o to r . fish . Live i n fine ho te ls o r rust ic cha lets ; camp i n therefresh ing o pen o r lo af luxur ious ly. Some th in g n ew to do an dsee each day no matter how lo ng you stay .
H l 9”
Y ou can trave l d irect to G lacier Nat ion al Park ,w ithout ch ange PAPA D i d you 1 1 1 . the l ace toda‘v’ son
an
gv
gi thout extra fare,
Either (”
h
a mde luxehNe
ZO r ien ta l Li
trn A BIlB : “ Y es , py Cll llSt a nose, pap .
”
i te n est tra in to Pac i c No rt west, o r o t er n e tra in s o r mG lacier Park i s o n the ma in l in e o f the G reatNo rthern Ra i lway, PAPA Mlne GOtt’
vat a VICtOPy0
wh ich traverses the southernboun dary o f the park fo r 60 m iles.
A rrange for G lac ier Park stop’o ff— an alle expen se—pa id tour o f 1to 7 days o r lon ger— or a G lacier -Y e l lowston e c ircu it tour, on Syour way to or from
y
.
w 0 v
The NorthwestB lll s m fe los t - 00 pounds last week .
w i t i ts a t ro om s . o rwomen as we
V ia the New O r ien tal Lim i ted She COllldIl’i lld ‘C reduced tha t much .
“ It’s a fact ; he d i v orced her .
” —Sk i -U.-Mah .
s ine . runs d irectbe tween Ch icago . Seattle . Tacoma . an d Portlan d v ia Spokanein 70hours m ile s o f the routebeh ind gian t o i l'burn in g . c in de rle ss lo como
t ive s. Y ou see h igh peaks from low passe s on the G reat No rthern —on ly 60 m i les S
o f the entire ma in line are above feet.Be fo re or after visitin g G lacie r Park . take th e free s ide trip to Van couver. See [
N
] kVLct
gri
la . Izakel
.
Chelan , Ra in ier.an d C ra t
fc r [f r
e
kNa t io
dnart
a
gm O re
?No rthern
IX SOHIOI h tOOd 0 11 ( i P8 1 1 1 Od d t C
se e u es ac 1 i tatc steame r con n ect io n s o r a s a an e rient. our c o ice
gf stea
gln er
ho r ra il to o r from
IC ali fo rn ia .
Ew in g th e G lac ie
earkdsea
sijn th e
The tram \V(IS com i ng ffl St,
kt eat on em o perate s specia o pe n to p 0 se rvatio n cars east oun an we stbound fo r lon g d istan ce s th rough th e Rockie s and Cascades .
fl he tl am gO t Ofi th e Ia lll Od d t? ac
Fo r freebooks and in fo rmation . apply to an y ticket or tourist agen t .an y G reat A nd let the SQD IOI'
pfl SS.No rthe rn Ra ilway ofli ce . o r 1 13 80 . C lark Street. C h icago . 214 Emp ire Build in g,Pittsburgh .Pa 516 Lon gacre Bu i ldin g. New Yo rk. N. Y 516 Ra ilway Exchan ge . QKan sas C ity .Mo . , 1403 Fourth Avenue . Seattle .Wash . A . J. D ickin so n . Passen is)
get Trafi c Man ager . St . Paul , Min ne sota .
"
Y ou say Mabel’
s head i s usefulbecause she’
s
shor ter than you are? ”
“ Y es,
I can just rest my pipe on i t wh i le we
dance .
”—Medley.
[ 30]
Rou te o f the New O r i en ta l Lim i tedFine s t Tra in to Pac i f ic Nort hwe s tp No Ext ra Fare
The S I R E N
Solution of the Sir en’
s Cross -Word Puz z leB A I L E Y a n d H I M E S
The A thletic G oods Store
THE TENNIS SEASONIS ON
It’
s time to get the old love game
s ta r ted . Y ou probably havebeen out
wi th the old ha t a couple o f t imes
and couldn’t get the z i p i n your game
’d li ke . Y ou can get. i t wi th a
“ Forgi ve me, Grace, I know I shouldn’t have
k i s sed you .
”
“ Aw, go on
,that ai n
’t why I am so re . Y ou
wiped your lips on my collar a f ter you di d .
”
— Sk i -U.-Mah .
On Your D esk You Should Have
a BOX Of D readn aught D r iverWe ha nd le a complete li ne o f Spa ld
i ng racke ts a s well a s Lev and “ ’r igh tand D i tson .
d i e s tamped wi th th e colleg e s ea l or your f rat e rn i ty or
dorm i tory d i e .
Sold Pla in and D i e StampedbyB . A . STRAUCH STUD ENT SUPPLY STORE
U of I SUPPLY STORE 606 Eas t G reen Stree tFINE STATIONERY D EPARTMENT CW “ Ba i ley Sh e‘by H im“
HAMPSHIRE PAPER COMPANY SO. Had ley Falls , Ma ss'l —m—mx— tu:— m:— un— ml— uu— nu— vm — lm—ml— nn — uu—um —ml
[ 3 1 ]
The S I R E Nm—m—m—n —m — m—m'_ _ uu— “I ll—‘j_u
BRINGT’“ N
gF’
fW ’y
THEM HERE
y our thes is covers
We spec i ali ze i n p r i n ti ngthes i s covers and envelopes .
we wan t to (lo your sbecause we wan t you to have i t
5 r igh t .
O ur Specialtyi s good pr i n ti ng I
y of all kinds .
GRGRUBB $ 60.
ENGRAVERSCh o m pa i qm illi n o is
1 14 N.Walnut st .
IMarriott Mi lesSn ow. Los es TRANSIT Pr i n tersE ng iucori ng
Succeed ing Ma rr io t t’s Pr in t Sh op1 1 0 N. Walnut Ph on e 1 698
Ups ta i rsQ‘Ull—mI— flfl — M—|n| — llll W— "U— lm— llll— lfll— lll l— MI -ln —m—|fl|
m, m — “n n ul| — nu —|m—m— nu— im_ _ m| —m| _ m— lm — u|| _ Jn
These are the day s when the go lf
l inks ca l l . Check over y our outfi t ,and if y ou n eed any th ing n ew come
in and see our fu l l l in e of supp l ies
Goltballs , 250 to 750 ; golf clubs , in cludingthe G en e Saraz en dr ivers andbrass ies ,to
Vest pocket rulebooks , 100 ; Reddy tees ,
250 ; clo th practiceballs , 250 ; golfbags ,to
NVRIGHT GREEN
+II
‘II
II
—nll—In
—m—m—m—M—m—U-_m—u|—n
—m n—m— n u—uL—m— m— nu— n— l—"n — |m— llfl — un — l ln— lfl|—fln — lm— I'fl— "n—m— lm—flu_" u— mj— lm—m—“ l— nu— ln— n — u
[ 32 ]
Graduation
uofold Pen , $7;Pencil$4
la dy D uolold D uette ,G i ftBox in cluded.$8
Lady D uolold Pen , $5; Pencil, $3
D uofoldIr. D uette ,G iftBox in cluded ,$8.50
D uofold Jr. Pen , $5; Peneil,$3.50
D uofold Pen and D uofold Pencil
the NewD uette
in Satin-lined Gift Case de luxeS a G ift of Greeting or of Going
-Away,wh at presen t a f fords your fr ien ds as
much every-day utility, or serves as such a
subtile inv itation to write, wh ile furn ish ingthem the urge to dash 05 those gossipy lettersthat you like the postman tobring.
For th is Parker wri tin g team has won the
heart of the world—balanced , symmetrical,handsomer than gold . And the Chines elacquer-red color makes them hard tomislay.
“PencilNowOverosize‘Too
Our Lady D uofold Pencil is still of smallergirth to fit slim fin gers. But the D uolold Jr.
an d“
Big Brother" D uofold Pencils arebOthnowbu ilt Over size—the
“
BigBrother" largest of allthree.For men learned from the D uofold Pen
THE PA RKER PEN COMPA N Y
how an Over-sizeBarrelafiords a full-handedgrip that abolishes finger cramp.and relaxeshand an dbrain.
A ll three D uofoldPencils have theParkerNon - Clog Propeller that turns the leadbothOUT for writin g and IN for carrying. Thusthe lead can
’t snap 05 in the pocket or thehan d-bag, ormark up the conten ts o i either.Pen has the super- smooth D uofold Point,
guaran teed , if notmisused, for25 years’
wear.
A n Ink-TightPen on accoun tof theInnerSleeve of the D uo-SleeveCap wh ich forms aleak-
proof seal. A nd no exposed fi ller— just aButton toPress , and it
’
s capped inside thebarrel— out oi sight—out of harm'
s way.
Look at thepictures—note the pricesbelowthem . Then stop at the first pen coun ter andpick out your D uofoldJun e G ifts.
JA N ESVILLE,WISC ON SIN
NEW YORK .CHICAGO TH E PARKERFO UNTAIN PEN COMPANY . LIMITED .TORONTO . CANA D A SAN FRANCISCO
THE PARKER PEN co . .umrrso . 2 AN D 3 No arouc sr STRA ND . LOND ON. ENGLAND
D uofold Ir.
The S I R E N
Come to
before the gr eat
outs ide lures y ou
on these fine Spr i ngeven ings .
B ILL D oNAH U E'
s MUSIC
a—ll—u—I—n—u—n—n—n—n—u—u—u
—n—u—m—n—u—n—n'P
'l'
E l l l I g 1 g g
ui
nu—“ll—"r-n"
_nn—m—un—nn—m—m—m—n—m—n—u—ln—u—fl—fl
Q. :“Wha t: can I do to avo id
falli ng ha i r ? ”
A . :“ Jump out o f the way .
”
Puppe t .S
Tm : MAxs“ It. mus t. he ha rd to
he ma r r ied to a woman as h ip; a s
that .
”
T im RUS T : “W'
ell, I gues s not .
She’
s enough wi fe for ten men ,
and she‘
s all mi ne .
”
— Utah Hu-mbng .
Sf
SVVITCHBOARD
TH E BRID E ( a t the telephon e)Oh
,John
,do come home. I
’ve
m i xed the plugs i n some way . The
radio i s all cove red wi th f rost an dthe elec t r i c i ce -box i s s i ngi ng‘Way Out Wes t i n
— Li fe.
S
A re s i lk stock i ngs absolutelynecessa ry ?”
“ Y es— up to a. cer tai n poin t .
— B u-rr .
[ 2 ]
II_ _KIl— "H —m|— I|n
F. Jones , Tran sfe
Local and long di
hauling. Baggage a
ci alty . Phon e 7-1 24
any time .
1 1 9 West Elm Street
U rbana,Illi noi s
I (Red Top CabServi ce)— m_|n—m—|u|—u||— m—u
The S I R E N
e you wa it
Gen ius is too Often like the poet’
s lady“
uncerta in , coy ,and h ard to please .
” Men
nen Sh av ing Cream is a s troke of gen ius ,but it h asn ’
t a trace of temperamen t.
Iknowbaseball pitch ers who reach the
h eigh ts only w hen the sun sh in es hotly .
Menn en Shav ing Cream strikes out the
wh iskers regardless of th e water’
s temper
a ture. Tepid, 1uke-warm , or cold water
suits Menn en’
s as w ell as hot.
A certa in matin ee idolmust h ave a sym
path etic audience to do h isbest . Mennen’
s
gives you a perfect performance even if
the water is hostilely h ard or aggr ess ivelyalkaline .
Many race ho rses are unable to run fas t unles strack and w ea th er cond i t ion s are i deal. W ea th ernever makes Menn en Shav ing Cream too hard or
too sof t in th e tube . Mennen’
s i s alw ay s th e same
creamy con s is tency—ready to give you a z ippy ,
gorgeous shave.
A nyw he re, anyt ime,under an y ci rcums tances ,
Mennen Shav ing Cream wi ll g ive you absolu tebea rd sof ten ingby th e wh i temagic Of de rmu tat ion .
D ruggis ts have Mennen’
s in 500 tubes .
Million s of men us e Men n en Talcurn for Men
af ter.
ev e ryba th and every shave. Luxuriouslysof t , coolin g and absorben t .T in ted to ma tch th e color
of your skin. 25C.
SHQUIHG CRED N
Th e cap s tay s on ,the cream
comes out ! Co in a name
for th i s Me n n e n i n v e n
t ion . $ 100 to th e w i nn e r.Con tes t closes July fi rs t .
Have Y ou a Babbette ?A coy li t tle g ir l i s young B abbcttc ;ll
'
hcnf c'r she'
s m en t ioned I hen-
a i l
She n ercr sha llbecome my pct .
I’
ll n cr cr (la te her on, abet,
Nor say,“ S
’
ufect
,ufiond
’
rous g i rl, ull ha i l !
A coy li t tle g ir l i s young Bubbctte.
Oh. would tha t I could forge t,Th i s li t t le g ir l who copped my ha le ;
She n c'
rcr sha llbecome my pet .
On e drea ry n igh t i f. ura s so wet
I ca lled a cub— she looked so pa le ;
A coy li t tle gi rl i s young B abbcttc.
Ins i de the cab,I s t i ll r egre t,
7 e 'm-p i a t ion d i d my soul us sui l ;
She n ever sha llbecome my pet .
On e li t tle ki ss I couldn’t get
I can not en ter i n de ta i lA coy li t tle gi r l i s young Bubbc ttcSh e n ewer sha llbecome my pet.
The S I R E Nun— gm—ml -lm— |m —m| — ll l l —Illl—M— l l l l—Ku— nu— uu*
BA I L E Y a n d H I M E SThe A thletic G oods Stor e
ere
each on eOutdoor days when
sha ll cha se h i s favor i te phan tom .
Play tim e days whenby r ecreation
and re laxa tion we coun teract the
v i ta li ty w ear ing heatby indulgencein wholesom e spor t and the a ttr ae
tion o f natur e’
s elemen ts o f the field.
The links arebeckon ing you . G et
out in to thebeauti ful open coun try .
Her e you’
ll fi nd everything to
r ender full m easure o f enjoym en t in
equipm en t for your favor i te hobbygolf .
Ba i ley a nd H i n'
l es Spec ial
— You r choice of
any f ou r clubs w i th a 3 - s tay lea the r t r immedbag ( li s ted p r i ce for
The Roy— B ras s ie, m i d - i ron n i ash i e,
pu t te r , an d a 3 -s taybag“
for
La d ies'
Spec ia l— 4 spec ia l lad ies
’clubs an d
a hug f or
For ilIen— Spa ld ing K rofl i te woods,ma tchedbras s ie a nd d r i ve r , d read naugh t heads , per
pa i r
606 Eas t G reen Stree tCh uck Ba i ley Sh elby H imes
A th let ic H eadqua r t er s f or th e Camp -
us
*w— nu— m— nu—nn— mi— mi— m— m— l n—u - nu— im —un—nu—u| —nu
Look, It’
s Here A ga i n
“ Who was that lady I saw you out wi th la s t
n igh t? ”
“ That wasn ’t a lady ; tha t wa s Julian Elti nge.
1 1 13 : “ Y ou don’
t look ve ry well ton igh t .SH E : “ I
’m n ot,I’m danci ng w i th a te r r ible
pa i n .
”
fil onday
Cu-B D :“ I hea r you refer red to me a s a wash
woman .
”
E D : “ Imeant you had a good li ne .
D irge.
Telegram to f r i end :“Washout on li ne
,cannot
come .
Reply :“ Come anyway ;borrow a shi rt .
— S
D o you like eggs ?”
“ Not so as you could no t ice .
Then what’s that on your ch i n ? ”
Some men j oi n f ra tern i t ies and some own thei rown tuxedos .
— D i rge .
—|m _flll— “ll _“ ll — ml— u|| —|u|—|lll —M||
Nourishing RefreshingFood D rink
Famous for i ts quali ty and flavor . D e lic iousa nd inv igora t ing a f ter golf or tenn is . Thousands
o f s tuden ts , and bus in ess an d p rof ess iona l men
an d women en joy th e advan tages o f“
Horlick ’
s”
f or th e i r noon lunch eon .
Sp ec ify '
H or li ck ‘
s"
wh en o rd er in g Me lted M i lk
Ho rlick’
s Malted'
M i lk Co .
RA C INE ,
”W IS.
6 ]
'l'
ion—n—lm—m—n—m—m—m—m—m—1m—m—m—ln—m—|m—|m—m—|ln
—IIl—nll—Ill—n—ln—fl—I—I—ll
Inl—n"— l|"—ml —ml — M|—M|
COMMENCEMENT
means
GIFTS
NE\V POTTERYBRA SSES
Ye G ifte Shoppe
A D EILE LIBBIE McNui L
lgen -cy for Perfect Recor ds
"l — l"| —n|| _ml— lln
THE
CORNER D RUG STORE
G reen and Si xth Streets
at (at
Impor ted Perfumes
Van i ty Compacts
Pr escr i pti on D epar tmen t
Three Reg is ter ed Pharmaci s ts
at (93
B. E . SPALD ING(Owner )
Illl l l'l l Illl l'Il— I I II_ — ”ll ll'l ml Nfl— I'fl—m—fln— I I I
The S I R E N—nu -m—ml -ln — un— ln - nu— nu
OBLIQUITYIs he really di shones t ? ”
Why , i f he’dbeenbo rn wi th a
gold spoon i n h i s mon th , i t would
have had somebody else’
s i n i tials
on i t.
”— Li fe.
—m—“fl— "u—m—uu— nu— m—w—u
ll—H— lll—Ill— ll — lll —'l l- Kll— l lll—I'l—m— lm— l lll— III_I III—|II —Ill—”l— lfi* Il —Ill— lll— lIl— Hl—III—Ili —m — I”I— ll|— l«|—M—NII—IN—Ill—lm
The Kind of Clothes
Co l lege Men Wear
C0.
Ne i l Street— at the head o f Ma i n
CH AMPA IGN
Clothes Y ou are Proud to Wear
é.
—nl—lK—Il—lI—Ill—Ill—ll—fll—fl_ll-llll-m—lll—Ill—"fl—ll—U—Illl—lu—Il
—ll
I‘ll— Ill— Il— Ill— IH—Ml- lllI— lm— Ill—IIII_I'll— Ill—h — fl l —|m— |u|—ln —M*[ 7 ]
S
D UM B :“ Hey, f ellah , you wan t
to pull down the shades when you
k i s s your wi fe . I saw you last
n igh t .”D un s tan : “ The joke’
s on you ; I
wa sn’t at home last n ight .
”
S
FIRST A NGEL : “ How’d you get
i n here ?”
SECON D A NGEL : “ Flu.
— Cardi na l.
A P i PH I MOTH ER ( angr i ly) :How i t i t
, young man , that I fi nd
you k i ss i ng my daugh te r ? How
i s i t ? ”
S. A . E “ G reat ! G rea t !”S
I3 Jack here'
Y es, he’s eonr a leseingu
— GARGOY L-E.
—m—m—lfl-u—n—W_lm—m“w_Nll—llll—1m—ull—|ln—m—mi
—lll|—’u—flfl—flll_nfl+ I
I a mi
Appreciated
G raduat ion G ifts
Among the ma ny ( li f t sug
ges ti ons you w i ll final
Framed Campus Pictu res ,Illi no i s Memo ry Books
,
G radua tio n Cards,Illi noi s
Pi llows,Table Run ne rs and
Pennan ts , Illi no i s Jewelry ,Class Pi n s
,D esk Sets
,Book
Ends,and B i ll Folds
, and
many a r t icles not he re li s ted .
Strauch’
s
Strauch’s — Photo, A r t and
Gi f t Shop
A djo i n i ng Campus a t
South Wr i gh t St ree t.l.uu
—m—ml
—|z—m—nu—n—u—m—n—n—u—u—ln—m—um—m—m—n—m—mi
—m—uu—un—n—nn—nu
The S I R E N
earn s outwom en
th e dem on ch aperon e
D oris was jus t the 'berries ,but there wasonebump i n the smoo th cou rse of our truelove : Aun t Ber tha
,the demon chaperone .
Whenever I took D oris to a
Ber tha canal-boa ted along wi th us . Sheobjec ted to all my holds . She didn
’
t likethe music . She was crabbing the par ty . It r ied all my conversa t ional wiles on her .
Her reac t ion was G - 6 . I asked her i f shewould like to waltz . She was rude enoughto accep t and i t took half George’
s gin to
res to re me to normalcy .
prom, Aun t
Finally, in sheer despera t ion, I wro te to
the Vogue In fo rma t ion Bureau for adv ice.
Miss McLean replied tha t the Marqu is of
Queensberry rules didn’t permi t any o f the
dras t ic measu res tha t I had though t o f ;andbesides, the police were very clever .She sugges ted a simpler and corking plan .
1 0 issues f o r $2
T EA R IT OUT TEAR IT OUT TEAR IT O UT FILL IT IN FILL IT IN FILL IT IN
Van i ty Fa ir, Greenwich, Conn .
D ear Van i ty FairIf you think Aun t Bertha is a demon chaperone ,
you ought to know Miss Rumford a t Wes tern ParkSem inary . Enclosed please find TWO D OLLARSfor TEN ISSUES. Ineed the firs t one for the PromTuesday .
Name , etc
Illustration copyrightby Van ity Fa ir
[ 8 ]
A t the next prom Iparked Aun t Ber tha ina co rner , and handed her the la tes t copy ofVan i ty Fa i r . She picked i t up gingerly,bu t afew minu tes la ter I saw she was engrossed !D oris and Istepped ou t to see the Memorial
Windowby moonligh t . We cameback threedances la ter . We hadn
’
tbeen missed .
Nex t t ime,I took Aun t ie aback file of
Van i ty Fa i r for the year 1 924 . A f ter threehou rs, we found her read ing a StephenLeacock art icle to a deligh ted ci rcle offaculty members and wives. The D ean o f
the G radua te School was so in t r igued hedidn
’t realize his whiskers were caugh t inMrs . Bascom
’
sbeadwork.
I a t tribute the success of my en t i re season
to Vani ty Fai r. Try i t on y our chaperone.
The S I R E N
WE RECOMMENDFOR THE HALL OF FAMEllo s . LEN — He wa n ts the Un ive rs i ty to
have good teache rs but. the bu i ld i ngs mus t come.
fi rs t. He i s the i dea l ce n s o r o t' Kultur .TH E E s ra o n
'
i‘
lax i n i Sono s s o r'r i -i n LEGISLATURE
o n TH E Sovun i ox STATE or’Flcs s ns sun— P
‘
or etti c ien t
Iy ce n s o r i ng ups ta r t a nd he re t ica l Sc ience .
llla r L . h i s cen sorsh i p of D r .
Stua r t. l’ra t t She rman .
l)n . SH ERMAN— For h i s cen so rsh i po f Hen rv L. Mencken .
D EAN T i A RK LE CLARK— For h i s crusade
aga i n s t V i ce and the S tuden t. car .
R. BuoW N— For c r i t ical wo rk i n the
realm o f theology . The Reve rend Mr . Fosdi ck has
the cold (“
lope o n G od .
SUPERVISING A nc n rrno r l’nor nsson J IM WH ITE
li‘
o r a t ta i nme n t i n the field of deco rat ive art of.
boulev ards , and the supp ress i on of that a rcha i cs h ibbo le th
,Freedom of the Highway s .
HIS 1 4]xcm.1 .ns c y MAJ OR GRIFFITH— (Those whooppose f oo tba ll a re enemi es of thei r coun t ry— nay ,
they are anar ch i s t s ) . For cen so r i ng h i s c r i t i cs i nsuch ag en tleman ly fas h i on .
TH E EM INENT D AILY'
ILLINI
les s‘hon orarv
’soc ie t i es .
'l‘m : “ 7
0RTH Y AND GALLANT KNIGHTS or
KLUX KLAN— For cen so r i ng eve ry th i ng .
For cen so r i ng use
Signs of the Times
[ 1 0 ]
When a M i ss i s as G ood as a M ile
‘
Ballad of D iscon ten tThe a ir wa s r ef t wi thblue n otes
A nd the f luti s t sadly s ighed
“ The evi l days ar e wi th us
’Ti sbetter I had di ed .
Cur sedbe th e gr oun d I wa lk on"
H i s sorrow h e gave ven t“ 0h why did I n ot lea rn to play
A man s i zed i n s trumen t ?”
Th e tuba v ir tuoso
A r ose and tor e hi s ha i r
Che-wed a shes an d wor e sackclo th
A nd h i s mig hty ches t la i dbar eA h woe i s me
'
he loudly moan ed
Forsaken Iby luckWhy mus t I play a hor n. as large
A s half a on e—ton truckThe ki n dly leader finger ed wi th
The medals on h i s ches t
“ Each ma n mus t play the i n s trumen tFor wh i ch h a s fit tedbes tIt takes a ll sor ts of horn s a nd men
TO sound each fla t a nd sharp
A nd r emember th at i n heaven
Y ou wi ll get to twang a ha rp .
"
(Clos e harmon y an d aboy ’
sbes t fr iend
LITTLE ROLLO :“
L is ten , Pa , damm i t ,I th ink you ough t to inves t iga te tha tsch ool I
’m go ing to.
PA : Why , Rollo , wha t do you th inki s th e ma t te r w i th your sch ool ? ”
L . R. :“
Pa , we’re read ing a play
and i t’
s th e fi lth i est p lay you everPA :
“ Wh a t i s th e name of i t , myson ?
"
L . R. : I t i sby a guy named Sh ak espea re , pa , and pa r ts of i t are evenwors e than th ebook you were read into th e h i red g i rl ; th e one Ma fi red .
Hon es t , Pa , Iblush all over i n tha tclass and th e oth e r day wh en th e
teach e r s ta r ted ta lk ing about s t ewedp run esPA : Sh ak espea re i s one of th e g rea t
auth ors Rollo . You are suppos ed to
learn someth ing about h i s work s :L. R. :
“But , Hells B ells ! Pa . us
k ids sh ouldn’t h ave to read slimy s tuff
like th a t , and say , Pa , you ough ta see
th e words i n one of th e passages wegot ta learn . I
’
m gett ing all corrup tw i th r ead ing slimybook s and see in gth e unde rwea r ads i n th e maga z inesan d i n th e A rt Museum I saw a s ta tueof a n ak ed man and a woman k iss ingeach oth er i n th e woods and .
PA :“ Wh a t i s troubling you, Rollo,
i s y our lack of app rec ia t ion of A rt .
L . R. :“ I do apprec ia t e A rt , Pa . I
Litt le Ro l lo and His Pa
The Fr eedom of the Pr ess
[ 1 1 ]
The S I R E N
L . R. :
Pa
Wipe your ch in , an d sh oot ,
PA : A ll th a t i s n ecessary , my son ,
i s to lea rn th e fi rs t rules of d iplomacy .
A lways tell li es to your teach er i f th eyw ill do you an y good an d you w i llg row up to be an h on es t , unspo i ledman— lik e me !
”
Rou o : L ik e Y OU .
'
Ha h a , Pa ! Ow !
H ell‘s F i re ! Ow— WOW !”
lik e A rt . But h on es t , Pa , I wish you'
d
inves t igat e our t each e r, Pa . Wh enh e reads outa th a t play h e reads th e
d i rty words l ik e h e '
d h ea rd th embef ore . A nd h e mak es us memor i ze anaw ful lot of i t , too .
PA : Is th a t, th e r eason you wan tme to inves t iga t e , Rollo ? D o you
on ly wan t to escape memor i z ing ? ”
L . R ' Hells B ells , Pa , don’tbe a
jack ass and a moron " Y ou a in ' t doi ng r igh t , Pa , wh en you don
' t s top th ecor rup t ing of us k ids ! ”PA :
“Th en i f you ara be i ng cor
runt ed , I f ea r I sh allbe obliged to
f orbid you to read maga z in es , go to
sh ows and
L. R“
Pa , h on es t to God , I get all
h et up every day ove r d ivorce cases i nth e pape r an d s tor i es of young wom enwh ich are alway s be ing lured in toalleys . How about n ewspapers , Pa ?
”
PA : We sh all not d iscuss th e subject f ur th e r , Rollo .
”
L . R ' D amna t ion , Pa ! L is tenh ere ! I a in ’t learned th a t s tuff an d
we got a qu i z p retty soon , Pa .
PA !“
A h , now I unde rs tand y oursudden seek ing a f ter pur i ty ! Rollo .
But I f ea r th a t I could do noth ing i f
I d i d inves t iga t e . But perh aps you
can pass th e subject anyway . Let me
th ink— th e answe r i s v ery deep .
"
PA : Is your teach er an elde rlywoman , Rollo ? If so , your problem i s
of easy solut ion .
L. R Y ou don’t g ive no cred i t f orbra ins to any Jan e wh ich i s pas t th e
w in k ing age , do you, Pa ? But I got a
man teach e r .PA : Tha t complica tes ma t ters , Rol
lo ! But tell me , h as h e an y van i ty ?D oes h e th in k h e
’
s good? ”
L . R. : He th ink s h e can readSh ak espea re , Pa . A nd h e a in ' t so
damn rot ten , e i th er .PA : Ah , th ere i s your cue, Rollo .
Stay a f te r class , and tell h im h ow
much in te res t ed you are an d ask quest ions about read in g Sh ak espea re .L . R. : Well, I hope you ' re r igh t .
I can’t eve r t rus t you. Every t ime I
try to pull som e of your sma r t s tuffon th e t each er I get H ell.
The S I R E N
Be It Enactedby the Genera l As sembly of Tennessee That There Shallbe no Evolut ion
[ 1 2]
The S I R E N
D EAR
TH ERE a re th i ngs about th i s
Un ivers i ty that. I like and th i ngs
that I don’t .
4!
I LIK E the p res i den t . He say s
he don’t wan t gi rls near h im that
smoke an d n ei ther do I. Pa
chews and so does A dolph ,butthat don ’
t matte r,does i t Ma ?
Tha t i s ge t t ing culture to get
ta s tes li ke the p res i den t , a i n ’t i t,
Ma ?
A ND SPEAK ING of the f aculty,Ma
,has pa got h i sbea rd shaved
ofl’
yet? If he hasn
’
t,tell h im not
tobecause there i s some advan t
age i n abeard , I a i n’t d i scove red
yet,but the re mustbe. A nyway,
Pabet ter h i de h i s reced i ng ch i n
too,hadn
’t he "
i t
A NOTH ER TH ING, tell A dolph to
keep p rac t i c i ng, I a i n’t found anybody yet can speak as good p i g
la ti n as h im,and I got a good
hunch i t migh tbe on e of thoseborde rli ne sciences .
i t i t
D ID Y OU get the p icture pos t
ca rd o f Illibuck I sen t the other
day D ea r Illibuck,he i s one of
the t rad i t ion s o f the un ivers i ty
that I wi ll a lways remembe r andcher i sh mos t o f all.
I TH INK old Un i ha ll i s goi ng to
fall down pretty soon,but nobody
ca resbecause we st i ll got thatbig,beauti ful stad ium we can s i t i n .
Send me another ten dollars f or
i t,wi ll you, Ma ?
ANOTH ER th i ng I li ke here,Ma
,
i s the democrati c sp i ri t of the
un iver s i ty . It i s honestly awful
lv democra t i c and you would
neve r reali ze un t i l you could see
i t . When you come down I wi lltake you a round and show you
how muchbi gger some of the f ra
tern i ty houses i s than even some
of the un ivers i tybui ld i ngs, and no
jealousy atall, they say .
[ 1 4 ]
I seen a h i deous th ing theo the r day, I seen a wholebun chof gradua te studen ts walk i ng
down .theboa rdwalk toge the r .
B UT the fi rst th i ng I wi ll takeyou to see
,Ma
,i s Red G range .
Y ou know,Red G range, don
’t
you? Y ou kn ow
, you seen h i s
p icture i n the cloth ing ads ? Well,
Iwan t you tobe sure an d see h im,
Ma . He i s abig, robus t man , andthey say the un ive r s i ty i s getti ngmo re cred i t for havi ng h im herethan f or a nyth i ng else they eve rd i d . Tell A dolph I am glad he
deci ded to come he re and he a i n ’t
go i ng tobe abi t di sappo i n ted i nRed G range
D oN’T wo r ry about my health
,
Ma , I’m prettv husky, and now
that. I finally got my excuse f romthe Health Se rvi ce Stati on I don ’
t
th i nk I’ll have n o more relapses .
Y ou know they told me to call a t
the stati on a s soon as I got well,
so as soon as I got over pneu
mon ia I wen t r i gh t over,on ly I
made a mi stake and wen t over to
the D ean’s office fi rs t
,and then I
had to goback to the Health Servi ce, and thenback to the D ean
’s
office,and r igh t then i s when I
fa i n ted . The docto r sa i d i t was
ove r -exert ion,but I was a li t tle
st ronge r the nex t t ime and was
able to make i t .
IF the wh i te legho rn hen has
g rown up, I wi sh you would sen d
me a ca se of her eggs , Ma . Everybody else i n our class has took the
prof some th ing but me and I
wan t to soon . I on ly hope he
don’t th i nk the re’
s no th i ng symbolic about i t .
Yours as ever,
ELSIE .
The Life Ter r ible !A cen sor mus t leadA, hel-a ra life
H e ca n'
t d ri nk or smoke
H e ca n'
t h i s s h i s wi fe .
Sa ve i n a r egular
He can’t c-rer ca t
Wi thout s topp ing to pr ay .
Tha t i s , i f he doesA s he says we should do .
D oes h e do i t or n o t ?
W’
ell, we lea -
no i t to goa l
For the cens or ge ts pa i dA ja t sa la ry
For yelling for r i r tac
A nd goodnes s, per so ;
A nd maki ng the res t of as
Pur e, sweet a nd clea n .
B a t concer n i ng the censor
Y es, THAT’S (wha t I mea n
S
H i s Master’
s Vo ice
The S I R E N
“ Wa i t e r, I th i nk t h e re’s a f ly i n th is s oup .
We ll, mak e sure ! Y ou don’t exp ect me to pay any a t
te n t ion to a me re rumor. "S
In Memor iam
1m
A f ter a five m i nu te s tudy of the f ramed slogan
above h i s desk ,
“ D o It Now !”a look of sudden de
ci s ion came ove r the f ace o f the s tuden t and he
s ta r ted aga i n on the c ross wo rd puz z le .
[ 1 5 ]
A lady the-re was who sha rpened her qui ll
Er e-n a s you a nd I,
A nd tac tless ly s et h er about to sp i ll
Vi lla in ous her esy,
E'
cri da ri ng to h i n t tha t th e Army corps
Was ha r dly sa nc rosa nct— a n-d mor e
She cr i ti c ized School ou a touchy scor e.
Say-i ng
’t i cas Babbi try .
Th i s foolha rd-
y,bra -cc,ra sh ed i to r ma id
Ceri s ured serenely 1 eas
She r eaped a'u
‘h i 'rli oi ri d from wha t she. ass ayed
Simply ( i t s eems )becauseThe R. O . T . C . i s a s ac r ed th i ngA nd the Counc i l r es en ted h-er playful f lingA t thems elves ; a nd th e-rea t d i d lus t i ly s i ng
“ She mus t obey the. laws .
”
E D ITED BY SIGMA D ELTA CHI
BOARD or E D ITORSW ILLIAM R. FRANKLIN WM . H . Cha i rman
FLORENCE Non'
r nmoE, Exchan ge E d i torK . V . LEWIS
R. E . HASWELL
R. H . MILES, A s s oc ia te
BUSINESS STAFF
H . F . HUGIIEs , B us in ess Manag e r
G . R. SM ITH
I . J . Kes s ler Loca l A dver t is in g Manage rBobHo ffman C i rcula t ion an d Copy Man ager
B us i n ess Stafjt A ss i s tan tsH elen Gabelin e , ’
27, E lliot Ka role , '
28, Jack Samuels , ’
27,Jan e Judson ,
’
28, Roy Rise r , ’
28, Frances Gus tavenson ,
’
207,G eorge Kappus ,
’
27, Stan ton Ch r is tensen ,
’
28, G race Goodman ,
’
27, Florence Jack son 27, E . K . Joh n son ,
’27, R. A .
Wa rren ,
’
28, R. C . Han s en , 28.
Published mon thlyby the Illin i Publish in g Compan y , Un ivers ity o f I llinois , during the college y‘
ear.Ofi ice o f publicat ion , Illin i Publi sh i n g Compan y .
Copyrighted .
o ff ice a t Urban a . I llino is . by A ct o f Con g re s s . March 3 , 1 879.by ma il. A ddre ss a ll commun icat ion s , I llinois Un ion Bu ildin g .
We Conclude
Four y ears ago , come Sep tember , we s tood i n th e ra inf or an h our , wa i t ing to en roll i n th is ins t i tut ion of super ior lea rn ing . No one seemed fla t te red to lea rn tha t weh ad ch os en I llino is out of s ome th ousand o th e r sch ools
to get an educa t ion . Th e clerk s susp ic iously took our ch eckand th e cop ordered us
“
to k eep th is lin e go ing , h e re ! ”
A nd so we were en rolled .
Outs ide th e Un ivers i ty th ey were g lad to see us
th ough . We we re ask ed tobecome a membe r o f I llino isUn ion because i t was “
Th e H ea r t of I llin o i s . We subs cr ibed to Th e D a i ly Illi n i , beli ev ing th a t i t t ruth f ullyreflect ed s tuden t op in ion . We pledged our f a th e r 's mon eyto th e Stad ium wh en th e salesman ins inua t ed th a t wewouldn
' t be t rue Illi n i i f we d idn ' t come across . W e
wan ted s o much tobe true Illi n i . Webough t a f reshman
spot— lik e every t rue Illi n i . Webough t a ll th ebook s our
in s t ructors a sk ed us tobuy ,becaus e no on e told us d i ff e ren t ly . W e lis t en ed to D oc. B ea rd '
s h yg i en e lectures an d
ma rvelled h ow f ree and libera l was th e speech at th is i ns i tua t ion . We h ipped a roun d th e d r ill fi eld , t r i ed ourbes tto k eep i n s t ep , and look ed f orwa rd to th e day wh en we
wouldbe i n f ron t o f th e compan y ins tead of i n th e rea rrank . We jo in ed a f ra t ern i ty , wa i ted upon by a lot of
ups tand ing . act iv e young men ,beli ev ing th e d in n ers alway s
to be as good as th ey were on Wedn esday n igh ts and
Sun days
Nex t day we we re put to poli sh ing th e floo rs . Th e
ma n wh o h a d been s o a t ten t ive to us andbooked us on
a go ld p i n , n ow to ld us to snap in to i t and get th a tlaun dry down to th e pos t o ffi ce or i t wouldbe our h a rdluck . Nex t t ime we look ed f or our s h in y put tees we foun d
R. B . Webb C i rcula t ion ManagerD elawa re Ha r r is on Na t iona l A dver t is ing Manag er
A r t is tsB i ll Jacob, E . A . Tauber t , Ralph Pa tch , Hal Pere r ia , BobGus t in , O . K . Joh n s ton , Elder Ba tes , A xel G ruenberg , H elen
Fa i th Twi tch ell, Ruth Sh augh n essy , D ick Cred i cottEntered as second -clas s matter at the Post
.
Subscription price the year,Quotat ion without permiss ion Is den Ied .
th em cove red w i th mud , an d our sh av ing cream was
m iss ing .
We sa t . on thebleach e rs for two h ours and y elled our
selv es h oars e a t twen ty -two men scrapp ing ove r abloa tedp i g -sk in . Next day we h ad a sore th roat . We wen t toCollege h a ll w i th a d i zzy da te , a rran ged by one of th e
broth ers , and sh e gabbed all th e t ime about a “
peach of
a guy f rom anoth er h ouse .Th e p ledge mas te r adv i s ed us to qui t loa f ing a round
an d get in to act iv i t i es . We off e red our s erv ices to Th e
D a i ly Illi n i an d th e n igh t ed i tor let out a bi g wh oop
wh en h e read our s tory , crumpled i t up , an d put us to
read ing p roof . H e laugh ed aga in wh en we told h im we
h ad an h our exam n ex t day , so we r ead p roof . Next daywe fiunk ed th e exam .
[ 1 8 ]
So h ere was th e beg inn ing of our d i s i llus ionmen t .A t th e h ous e th e soph omores laugh ed at us and told us
th a t was “
College ; th a t every f reshman h ad to go th roughi t . A n d we look ed about and saw th e re hadbeen f reshmenwh o h ad become ed i tors and Un ion . p res iden ts , an d we
took h ea r t .We g rew older . We g rew more soph is t ica ted . We
got th rough two y ea rs of m i li tary t ra in ing and made upour m in ds th a t i t was dan gerous— th a t i t was in st i llingth e war sp i r i t in to our youth ,
wh en actually i t h ad madeus h a t e m i li tary man euve rs wh ere we had adm i red th embe f ore com in g to college . We we re p ledged to numeroush onorar i es an d p rof ess iona l organ i za t ions , and concluded ,
wh en th e re was n o more room on our ves t f or add i t ionalp in s , th a t th ey we re all th ebun k , and we qui t wea r ingp ins a ltog eth er , and webegan to thunde r a t th e f oolishn ess of th ese organ i za t ion s i n h igh s er ious n ess . Yet we
wen t to th e i r meet ing s and vo ted to tak e more pledges a nd
so perpetua t e th is dynas ty of n incompoops .
We obs erv ed tha t th e Un ivers i ty was devot ing i ts en ~
erg i es to er rect i ng g rea tbu i ld ings , p romot in gbi g a th let icteams , an d turn ing outbon d sa lesmen , wh i lebr i llian t professors we re leav ing f or wan t of recogn i t ion , fi nan c ia l an doth e rw is e . We s tormed aga in s t th e adm in is t rat ion i n ed i
tor i als and sa t i res wh i le our courses un der th esebr i llian tp ro f ess ors wen tbegg ing . We spen t our s t rength cry in gf or
“
Ref orm”and n ea rly wen t on p roba t ion . We sacr ificed
our sch olas t ic ambi t ion s i n o rde r to mak e th e Un ivers i tysa f e for h igh e r lea rn ing an d p res erve th e g rea t m inds to
pos te r i ty .
Th en we obs erved tha t th e g rea t mass of th e s tuden tbody d i d not g ive a wh oop wh eth e r th ere were any g rea tm in ds on th e f aculty , s o long as th ey could p i le up 1 30
h ours i n f our y ea rs . We obs erved th a t th ey were morein t eres ted i n th e New Gymnas ium th an i n th e h ead of th e
Class ics depa r tmen t . Th ey wan ted to see I llino is w i n th e
con f erence ch amp ion sh ip more than th ey wan ted to s ee
a g rea t auth or i ty on labor problems h a rbored by th e
Un ivers i ty .
Wh en ev er we cr i t ic i zed th e ex is t ing sys tem we usual
ly h eard f rom th e Adm in i s tra t ionbu i ld ing . Th en webegan to talk about f reedom of th e p ress an d supp res s ion ,
an d educa t ion by bludgeon . Of course eve rybody wh o
ca red kn ew wh a t we wan ted to say , a nd th ose wh o d i d
n ot reali ze th e p resen t sch eme of th in gs , would n ot haveca red i f we h ad tak en th e trouble to say wh a t we th ough t .
A ll th is wh i le we werebra n ded as abunch of rad icalsth a t had set ours elves up to run th e Un ive rs i ty . In th e
h e igh t of our soph is t ica t ion we cr i ed out th a t a p roph eti s w i th out h onor on h i s own campus .
Now i s our d is i llus ionmen t complete— even concern ingrad ica lism . Long a go we los t f a i th i n th e soc ia l organ iza t i on of th e s tuden tbody , i ts act iv i t i es , and the my thabout libe ra lism i n our colleges . Now af te r four y earsof some s tudy ing and much op i n i ona t i ng h ave we con
cluded th a t i t i s th e in ten t ion of th e adm in is tra t ion tha tth e s tuden ts th ink on ly th e th ough ts th ey would h ave th emth ink —an d n ot all s tuden ts manage to do th a t w i th a
g rade above D . Fur th e rmore , th a t i t i s th e des i re of th es tudnts to th in k on ly th e th ough ts th e f aculty would h aveth em th in k— f or th ey a re th e eas i es t th ough ts an d th e
saf es t th ough ts . A nd fina lly , th a t an yon e wh o s t r ives to
k ick aga ins t th e p r ick s i s a bigge r f ool that e i th er th ep ragma t ic adm in is tra t ion or th e gullible s tuden t yok elry .
W i lliam Jenn ings B ryan can be expected to f orsak eth e democra t ic pa r ty any momen t n ow s i nce i t was th e
fi rs t Republican leg is la ture s ince th e C iv i l War i n Ten
n es see th a t h ad retrospect enough to see th a t a ll th eblolog is ts were wrong .
The S I R E N
C redo for Undergraduates
I MUST NOT H INT th a t th e Un ivers i ty of I llino i smay notbe th ebigg es t Un ivers i ty i n th e world .
I MUST NOT H INT th a t th e Un ivers i ty o f I llino ismay notbe th ebes t un ivers i ty i n th e world .
I MUST BEL IEVE th a t th e Un ive rs i ty of I llino is i s
th ebigges t an dbes t un ive rs i ty i n th e world .
I MUST NOT thumbmy nose , i n an unseem ing lyman n er , a t th e wor th y R. O . T . C .
I MUST NOT thumbmy n ose i n any man n er at th eCollege of A th let ic Coach ing .
I MUST BELIEVE th a t at th e Un ivers i ty o f I llino isth e re i s th e g ran des t and mos t sacredest s tad ium i n th e
wh ole world .
I AM A TRA ITOR to my coun try i f I do n ot con tr ibutemy one h un dred dolla rs to add twen ty morebr ick sto th e g . and m . s . s . i n order th a t th e t ravellin g salesmenon th e I . C . may be th ereby duely and increas ing ly im~
p ress ed w i th th e magn ificen ce of my A lma Ma te r .I MUST NOT
- r ide i n a Studen t Car— for th a t i s Si n .
I MUST NOT r ide i n any car on th e campus— for tha ti s Con temp t o f Royalty .
I MUST NOT say wh a t I th ink .
I MUST NOT th ink .
S
Sa id th e gove rnor of Tennesse to th e governor of
Flor ida : “
No one i s go in g to mak e a monk ey out of me .
I t was n eve r our in ten t ion toblame th e p rof essor f orf o is t ing off so many tex tbook s on th e public ; i t
'
s th e
on ly way h e can mak e a liv ing .
Qs. )
Censors are th emselves v ict ims of th e i r own t rade ,f or ver i ly f ea r of censure f rom th e i r super iors , f rom th e
public, or f rom a warped cons c i ence are th e on ly mot ivat ion s i n cen sorsh ip .
S
Out h e re i n th e M iddle Wes t wh e re we s t i llbeli eveCh a rley D awes i s a g rea t man an d auth or of th e D awesPlan , we a ls obeli eve th a t we are th e ch osen race f romamong th e f or ty -e igh t t r ibes of Babbi tdom , and tha t i ti s our m iss ion to se ll th e res t of th e t r ibes on cornbeltculture .
‘
Ama lgama t ion of th e a rts i n th e up and go ing cultureresor ts : “
OGDEN. ILL,May 8 —Th e h igh sch ools of Ch am
pa i gn coun ty are m eet ing h e re today f or th e i r an nua l
li t era ry con tes t and track meet . Th e winn e r of th e li tera ry con t es t and th e w in n e r of th e track meet w i llbep resen ted w i th a la rge pen nan t , wh i le th e combin ed w i n ~
n er w i ll rece ive a la rge r pennan t . ”
The. S i ren, i s pleased to an nounce the followi ng con t r ibuto rsto th i s i s sue :
[ 1 9 ]
The S I R E N
The College D ay
( Ta lceu f rom a p ro s pec t us of th e 1"ed ara tml a nd
-l l /“a i r e r s i ty of O rga n ized
Ka lIa r— A . I) .
( i 3 10 A . M.
Each s tuden t: applies headphones and r i ses f rombed wh i le Shellev
’
s“ Ode. to a La rk i sbroadcas t
f rom the Un i ve rsal Un i ve rs i ty '
s ONE BILLION
D O LLAR Rad io s ta t ion . (Norm: A t the hou r of goi ng to p res s th i s i s the la rges t, Un ive rs i ty Rad io i nex i s tence . Subjec t to cha nge w i thout n o ti ce. ) Im
med ia telv t'
ollmv ing a lecture.
“ The Economic Sig
n i fi cance o f the Ode to a Skyla rk” i sbroadcas tbythe second -ass i s tan t as s oc ia te Sec reta ry to the
A s s i s tan t D ean of the College of Comme rc ial A r t sand Sc iences . (No s tuden t i s cr ea sed fr om par t icl
pa i ion i n, th i s fea tur e . )
A . M.
B reak fas t. i s se rved unde r the s t r ict supe rvi s iono f the Calo r i c Squad ron f rom the D iges t i ve Eco
nom ics t‘
lepa r tmen t of the College of Comme rcialA r ts and Sc iences .
A . M.
A ll t ra ffi c s igna lsbef o re the do rmi tor i es (cont rolled t’rom the office of the V i ce roy i n the A rch itectural Bui ldi ng ) a re set at Proceed
,and the s tu
den t s a re ma r shalled and ma rched un de r the di rcet i on of Prop roc to r s to the fi rst class of the day .
( Immedi a tely followi n g the. en trance of the la s t
s tuden t i n to the clas s r oom the s ignals ar e r e
turne d to H a lt i n order tha t n o on e may s ti r abroadi n. aa unwarran ted fash i on . )
A . M.
Headphones are ad jus ted and the c reed of the
s tuden tbody of the Un i ve rsal Un i ve rs i ty of O rgan i ~zed Kultur i sbroadcas t . Th i s creed dates f rom the
fi rs t, qua rter of the Twen t ieth Cen tury and i s as fol
lows : “W'
hen my i n st ruc to r gi ves me cer ta i n i h
fo rma t i on i n clas s . I mus t re tu rn tha t i n fo rma ti on ,i n the exact wo rds to my i n s truc to r on my qui z
pape r , rega rdless wha t I, my self may th i nk .
”(It
wi ll be s een imme d ia tely tha t thi s i s deci dedly
a rcha i c 1°
n — the words ( la te a nd Tll/l’llk ha r t-i ty
d i s appea red n ear ly a cen tury ago,but the li terarya reellmzce of the joi n/vil la. ts resptm s ible for i tsbei ng
'
r'
ett'
l i -ned . ):00 A . M.
The s igna l i s g iven f rom the i ceroy’s office and
the t ra ffic co n t ro ls are aga i n moved to P roceed ,
wh i le the s tuden ts a re conduc ted unde r gua rd to
the noon -day ea t i ngbenches .
1 :00 I’. M.
Sa tura t i on i s aga i n resumed .
3 :00 P . M.
The gua rd i s removed . the con t rols a re set a t
F ree and the en t i re s tuden tbody i s a llowed to move
The Silen t Par tner
w i g a‘
unaccompan ied , to the Coli seum,for the da i lyba t tle of the War . In case a Wa r i s not ava i lable
th i s f eature i s di spen sed wi th . (The coli seum a t
the Un i versa l Un i vers i ty ha s sea ts forspec ta tors, an d a t the hour of go ing to p res s i s unr i va lled i n s i ze — Subject to cha nge wi thout n o ti ce . )
P. M.
Educa t i onal tou r of some f o re ign pa rt o f the
campus . ( 7t i s man i fes tly imposs ible for any one
s tuden t to s ee all the Un iver sa l Un i vers i ty dur in g
h i s six-
yea r sa tur a t ion per i od, a nd these tour s ar e
arranged in ch ar ter ed (1 ir ig ible -h eli cop ters to cover
the mos t ac ces s ible par ts of the. campus . )I’
. M.
Re turn to home s tat i on s . T ra ffic s ignals set at
Proceed .
P . M.
D i nner,supe rv i sedby the C . S. o f the D . E . D .
of the F . A . U . U . 0. K .
P. M.
Sa tura ti on resumed i n dormi to r i es .
I’. M.
A ll s tuden ts i n bed . Headphon es adjus ted .
'
Why I am an Ame r i can”( f ragmen t f rom opus .
Fran -con i s Ora n/i s )broadcas t, f ollowed immed i a telyby add ress
,
“ The s ign i ficance of A ccoun tancy i n 1 00per cen t i sm or some allied subject .
P . M.
Sleepbroadcast di rectly f rom the office of the
V i ce roy .
The S I R E NThe Real Cross Word Puzz le C en sorsh ip
( IN TH REE PARTS)I
“For suppress ion i s f elt . Men cease to saywhat they th i nk ; and when they cea se to say i t
,
they soon cease to th i nk i t .
”— Wa lter Lipp i-
1mm :
“ Liber ty an d The Nems .
”
II
The g reatest th ing a college educa ti on can give
a man i s the abi li ty to th i nk for h imself .
”— D -icti un
dcdi ncred i n a cer ta in Phi losophy clas s .
III“ My advi ce to you i s th i s . When I gi ve you
ce r ta i n i n fo rmation i n cla ss, thebes t th i ng you can
do i s return me tha t i n fo rma ti on exac tly on yourqui z pape rs .
” rega rdless of wha t vou mayth i nk o f the ma tte r . deli ver ed i n a certa i n
E ngli sh class .
FIRST D RUNK :“ Shay, shat tax i d r i ver cha rged
us ten f a res .
”
SECON D D i'r
'r o :
“ Fa i r ’nuff— sh ink how much of
a. load we got wh i shz us .
” — IVa sp .
Eve rybody sh oves a fat man — Lord J efi.
Th e Pur i ty League Holds a Sw imm i ng Meet
[ 22 ]
The S I R E N
The Si r en’
s C ensored Com ic Supplemen t
Pr ivate D in ing Room for
Banquets and Par ti es
Conven ience— Com for t
Refin emen t
Wh ere Y ou Feel at Home
G . W. Byers A . D an i elson
|m— u — m— m— un_M - m _ lm— lm _ la—M—nu—un— nu — lln
I I— III— lfil—M— lIl— lfil—|lll—|ll_NI—I|ll—|lfl—mU—n—lfll—m—n—m—m—Il
STU D ENT TA ILORS51 8 East G reen St reet
PHONE 1 087
The Shop w i th a Personal Serv ice
The S I R E N
The Si r en’
s C ensor ed Com ic Supplemen t
$ 11—ml— llu— U" —|I|l — Illl— Illl— l l l l— l l l l — |In—|l|I—|Iu—|ll|— l l l l
Pr ivate D in ing Room for
Ban quets and Par ti es
Conven ien ce— Comfor t
Refin emen t
Wh ere Y ou Feel a t Home
G . W . Byers A . D an ielson
l l l l— ull— ll ll— l ll l— IllI— l l l l —IlIl— tlll— Illl — Ilu
ll— Illl— I‘u—flu—un_m —ufl—nu — lm —uu — fl|l— m— M
[ 24 ]
STU D ENT TA ILORS51 8 East G reen St reet
PHONE 1 087
The Shop w i th a Personal Serv ice
—|m—m|—|fl|—m—w—m_"
The S I R E N
o e te am
doesn 1 rst se
Since 1869makers and distributors of electr ical equipment
Number 49 of a seri es[ 25 ]
To suppose that abaseballn ine willallcoverjust one posit ion is as far from the truth as to
think that everyone in the electrical industryis an eng ineer.
This field will always need trained engi
neers. But wi th its g reatmanufactur ing , con
struct ion and commercial act ivities, the
industry must have non - techn ical men too .
Since the i ndustry is mannedby manytypes, the result o f your work w ill depend a
good deal on the success with which you
team up . The qualit ies that win are no t onlyefficiency attainedby the light of a studylamp ,but that all-pull- together spirit o f theathlet ic field .
This point of V iew maybe useful to the
man who has wondered whether campus ao
t ivi ties , w ith all the ir striving and stem test
ing , the ir setbacks and the ir triumphs, have
any counterpart in after li fe .
The S I R E N'
A re you a co llege man ?”
“ No ,my ha i r i s naturally
cur ly .
”
ll. moons -i n Oc topus .
w e wv e ' Wha t relig ion a re you? ”
“ I’
m an a th e i s t, thank G od .
—.l[ oon sh i ue.
'The Milano is made in 26 ( a ll ur c i tcd) :“ Help
smart shapes in smooth fin ish,
Jack,he lp ! Mo the r sbeen s t ruck
from up ; rustic fin ish, by ligh tn i ng 1”li p
—all in sured fo r HUBBY :
“ G ood G od !”
your protection . Look fo r the-Pi t t Pa n ther
wh ite triangle on the stem.
K i s s i ng as g i rl jus tbecause she
expec t s you to i s li ke sc ra tch i ng a
place tha t does n ’t i tch .
A ve ry self - sat i sfied man ar
r ived at the gates of heaven and
asked f or adm i ss ion .
Wh ere a re you f rom ? ”
"
Hahvahc
WM. D EMUTH “Well, you can come i n
,but you
World 'sLa rges t 9 a,of Fine Pipes won t li ke i t .
Z SO FIFTH AVE NEW Y O RK—RlCC O lUl.
College Men Come Here
Tra de Mar k Re g is tered
Pharmaci st
REPUBLIC BUILD ING CHICAGO01 i\ o r th B e ll St ree t. Champa i gn CRun for Ce i lege Menby CollegeMen
un—m—m—nu— [m— nu— m —m| — |m _u. nu—m—nu—n — l l l l— ml—mi—HC- l l l l—ml— IIII- lll— M—“ll—IlI— lll— I III— Ill —bfll—HO’
The S I R E N
MONDA Y , 1 3TH .
Up bet imes . and to clas s es t i llth ree . Mon day i s a f ull day f or me .
Wh a t posses s es th ose wh o mak e out
calenda rs always to a ss ign book ,
reports or th ousan d -word th emes on
Mondays? I n s truc tors a re supremely
h ear t less ! Today made a n importan td is covery . I was not p ledged Ch i 0
because I am not ablonde w i th a per
ma nen t . But h ow could I h ave knowntha t th a t wa s n eces sa ry ? I do n ot
“
ap
prove of“ rush ing ”
meth ods h e re , as
I h ave pe rhaps sa idbef ore . And so ,
tobed ! ”TUESDA Y , 1 4TH .
“
Sca rcely any classes today . I en
joyed my self th orough ly . To Preh n '
s
w i th a man wh o s i ts bes ide me i n
Eng lish . He was very sympa th et icand f ull of adv ice about h ow I couldmak e a s oror i ty . H e adv is ed me to
wea r red flan n els or ca rry a B ible andI wouldbe p ledg ed A lpha Gam . He
sa id h e kn ew all about i tbecaus e h elived i n a gamblin g h ous e n ex t door toth em . But I do not th ink I sh a ll payany a t ten t ion to h i s remark s ,becaus ep erhaps h e d i d not mean th em ser i
Prudence Pep’
s D iary
wi th out exp lana t ion .
WEDNESDAY , I5TH .
Th e re may s t illbe h opes f or me .
An accommodat i r'
ig person i n my Eco
h om i es class told me I could eas i lymak e Gamma Ph i . A ll one n eeds i
t
s
a number of a t tract ive pa jamas and
th e abi li ty to mak e coff ee and cinnamon toas t on sh ortgnoti ce . But h ow
am I to let th em k itow th a t I possessth e qualifica t ions ? Theme a ques t ion .
THURSDAY , 1 GTH .
D ick— th a t i s th e man i n my Eco
h om ies class (mos t people call i t Ec ,but tha t soun ds so plebian )— i s a
B eta . He adm i t ted i t . So n ow I h avelook ed up a ll in s ide in forma t ion on
th e Betas . Th ey are ve ry act ive . Th eycan play baseball or bask etball or
mus ical in s trumen ts , and go out f or
t rack or play -
p roduct ion or poli t icsi n f act th ey are rep resen ted i n all
sorts o f act iv i t i es .
FRIDAY , 1 7TH .
Ton igh t I danced at College Inn .
Th e re was a s trange -look ing man
th ere play ing aban jo . He g r inn ed at
me qu i t e impoli tely . I am sure I h aveous ly . He of ten laugh ed sudden ly and n eve r met h im , h oweve r. Th e p iano —PRUD ENCE .
The Whi te Lin e w i ll take a ll your drapes , curta in s , rugs , etc .,
thoroughly renovate , launder , dry clean and shampoo as needed
and stor e through the summer fully in sured for you.
ISN’
T THIS A REAL SERVICE
Let us tell y ou about i t
WHITE LINE LAUND RYllA ltltY J . MILLARD MAW 406 M. G . SNY D ER
P. S.
— Th e W h i te L in e i s th e ONLY laund ry i n t h e Twin C i t ie s th a t h as i ts own dryclean ing , p ress ing and rug sh ampoo depa r tmen ts .
—m—m—nu— n| -nu— m.—w— nu — lm —m|— nu—mi—m| - nu— lm—ml—um—ml— mi— m—m—ml— nu—mu—nu— ln—ml —mc—un—nu—m—nu— llu— l ll—ul— lu— no’o
[ 28 ]
p lay e r has a quee r mus tach e . Wh enh e s ings h i s ey es h ave a veryblankexpress ion .
SATURDA Y , ISTH .
“
Ton igh t I wen t to a Sig A lp h ous edance . Th e ligh ts were not very good— eve ry on ce i n a wh i le th ey wen t out .
I t was qu i te n erve-wrack ing ,I
th ough t . A lso, th e punch tas ted queer .I d i d not lik e i t . Maybe th e g rapesh ad got ten sourbef ore th ey used th em .
I had a queer f eeling i n my h eadwh en I came h ome . I am go ing th eref or d in n er tomorrow.
SUNDAY , I9TH .
“
Today th e Si g A lp I was w i th toldme to try go ing to th e South Campus
somet ime , becaus e i t wa s wa rme rth e re . He sa id th e change would do
me good . He d id not ask me f or an
oth er dat e , an d I am sorry , becauseI lik ed h i s f ra tern i tybroth ers . Th eyhad on eban jo, and about s ix of th emtook turns p lay ing i t . I t was lik eSunday n igh ts at h ome . I told h im so ,but h e d i d not seem to apprec ia te myf eelings . I have g iven up t ry ing to
unde rs tan d men ! A nd so anoth e rweek of work ! ”
“ VVhat’s all the no i se ? ”
Oh,tha t ’s j us t aba rbe r shav i ng h imself .
But Why all the noi se ?”
“ He’s t ryi ng to persuade h imself to have a
shampoo .
” —Puueh B owl.
M'
nzzm D ANK says
Many a g ir l has walked homebecause she would
n o t tell the combin a ti on of her dad'
s li quor vault.
— OUTLAW .
Look,Papa , Abie’
s cold i s cured and we st i ll
got le f t abox of conghdrops .
”
“ Oo,vot ext ravagan ce ! Tell Herman to go out
and get h i s f eet wet .
”-Puppe t .
“Why does that f ellow Nelson th i nk he’
s such
a devi l ? ”
“ Oh,he took a ca r ton of ciga rettes i n to Kan sas
th i s -Lampoon .
BELL HOP :“ Th e lady i n Room 303 says there
’s
a knot -hole i n herbath room door .
CLERK :“ Tell her I’llbe r igh t up and look i n to
i t .
”— Parakeet.
The S I R E N
The most importantarticle in your per
s ona l equipment is
your Founta in Pen
THAT IS THE REASON FOR OURSPEC IALI Z ING IN FOUNTA INPENS AND PEN SERV ICE . WEF IND OUR CUSTOMERS A PPRE
C IATE THE SERV ICE WH ICHONLY A SPEC IA L IST CAN G IVE
61 2 EAST GREEN STREET
—“n —mI— lm _“ll— "ll— l l l l— "l‘
l —M|—ull —|u| —w —m—n|l—m — N||
A moonlight stroll, perhaps a mov i e
or a dance , and THEN
D e l icious refreshmen ts or l ight supper at
Urban a’
s smartest con fect ion ery
What a delightful ev en i ng !
THE APOLLO
1 32 “ fest Ma i n St ree t,U rbana
CONFECTIONERY
Come owe-e and you wi ll come of ten .
—I I I I— Im—ull—II|I—|lll— l l l l— ulI— l l l l — lm— Il _uu — nu—u|| c—ml— lln— Illl— lm— l l l l— l l l l— Nll— llN—Mll— l l ll —m|— un - nn— m— nn— uu—uu — ll
[ 29 ]
The S I R E N
Stran ge th ings can h apo
pen wh en one hundredand twen ty p oun ds o f
g irl meet th irty hungrycompact poundso f trout.But oh . the p ride o f landin g h im—alone—but n o tquite too alon e tobe unseen by someone v ery
handsome and very n ice .
Open June 1 5 to September 1 5Fish ing i s o n ly part o f the fun at
Glac ierNat ion alPark . Climbup tom ile h igh cliffs. Ride ho rsebackover m iles o f moun ta in tra ils. Explo re the s ix ty glaciers.Mo tor overh ighways o r i n laun ches on thelakes. C amp in the Open close tothe Blackfeet Ind ian s. O r just lo afand relax in fin e hotels or . rust icchalets.Eastbound from thePac ificNorth o
west, or westbound from Ch icago ,
you can trav el d irect to G lacierNat ion alPark w ithout change andwithou t extra f are on the de luxeNew O r ien tal Limited , fin est tr a into Pacific Northwest o r o ther fin etra in s. A rrange for G lac i er Parkstop o ff— an all-expen se’pa id touro f l to 7 days or lo nger—or a Gla»
c ier ' Y ellowston e c ircui t tour, on
your way to or fromTh e No rthwest
V ia th e New O ri en tal Lim i tedTh isbrand n ew, all—steel wondertra in , w ith i tsbathrooms (fo r women aswellas formen),barber shop,ma id, man icure and v alet serv ice ,a n d un su rpassed cu is in e , ru n s
d irectbetw een Ch icago , Seattle,Tacoma and Portland v ia Spokan e,Lon gest c inderlessm ileage o f anyra ilroad i n the Northwest
m ilesbeh in d g ian t o il—burn ing locomo t ives . Y ou see h igh peaks fromlow passes o n the Great No rth ern— on ly 60m iles o f the en t ire mainlin e are above feet.Before or after v is it in g Glac ier
Park, take th e free s ide trip to Van
couv er from Seattle. See V ictor ia,Lake Chelan , Ra in ier an d C raterLakeNat io n alParks. G reatNo rth,
ern sch edules facilitate s teamercon n ect io n s for A laska an d TheO rien t. Your cho ice o f s teamer orra il to or from C alifo rn ia. D urin gthe G lac ier Park season the G reatNorthern operates special Opentop observat ion cars eastboundand westbound for lo ng d istan cesth rough theRock ies and C ascades.For freebooks and in formation ,
apply an y t icket ortou r is t age n t , an yG r e a t No r t h e rnRa i lway o ffice , or1
3. L
TD i
Eik i
'
r
fio n ,
ass . ra c r. , a
St. Paul, Min n .
g 5“
Fi rst"Ask about Burlington escorted tours
Rou te o f th e New Or i en ta l Lim i tedFin e s t Tra i n to Pac i f ic No rt hwe s t- No Ex tra Fare
[ 30]
RULES FOR THE GU ID ANCEOF UND ERGRAD UATE
HUMOR
or how to w r i te good jokes , w i th samples
The fi rs t requi s i te for the w r i te r o f j okes i s a
(‘
lean Mi nd . Th i s ma ybe man i fes ted i n any number o f ways ,but i s mo s t s t r ik i ng ly po r t rayed i n the
f o llowi ng gem :
FIRST CANN IBAL CH IEF : “ I don'
t know
wha t to get Mi nn ie for herbi r thday .
”
SECOND CANN lBAL CH IEF :“ \t don ’
t vou
get her abook ? ”
F. C.
“ Aw,— he— ll
,she
’s got abook .
S
In tha t i llus t ra t ion we have all the elemen ts of
the pu rest so rt of humo r . The re i s not a word
wh ich migh tbe obj ected toby the un i n fo rmed la i ty .
(NOTE : The term‘Can n ibal’ caused some perturba
t ion i n the m ind of the wr i te r,but af ter con sulti ng
Roget’s Thesaurus
,
“When Y ou W r i te a Letter”
and“ Twelve Tests of Cha racte r” i t was i ncluded . )
On the o ther hand we havebef ore us today i n
the column s o f“
the P res s and the pages of our
Per i odicals mult i tud i nous examples of humor
wh ich does not con fo rm to the H i ghe r Standa rd .
A nd i t i s th i s type of humo r wh i ch we wi sh to decry . A s an example of th i s lowe r f o rm of -wi t
,let
us quote the followi ng :
Who wuz the t lady I seen you wi th on
th ’st reet y i sttiday“ Huh . Tha t wasn ’
t no st reetUn fortuna tely i t was neces sa ry to elimi nate the
las t few wo rds i n the above joke,theybe i ng deemed
imp roper f or p resen ta tion to an i n tellec tual aud i
en ce— and i tbei ngba rely wi th i n the range of p robabi li ty tha t there i s the rudimen ts of an i n tellectual
aud ience i n the v ic i n i ty, i n spi te Of H igh e rCen sorsh ip .
W i th these two i llust ra t ions the au tho r wi shesto conclude th i s work ; i n g rateful acknowledgemen t,he ex tends h i s app recia t ion to all those who have
exe rted themselves to keep the jaun diced eye of
cen sorious“
con s i derati on t ra i ned s te rnly on the
d i ssemi nators of collegi a te humorboth he re and on
ce r ta in campuses i n the Far East, for the i n spi rat ion they have gi ven h im.
Z AT : “ I hear Jim h ad a n acci den t .
So : “ Y es,someone gave h im a pet alligato r , and
told h im i t would eat Off h i s hand .
”
Z AT : “Well ?”
SO : “ It d i d .
” —T iger .
The S I R E Nnu—IlN—m—|l|—n — rm —|m—m| — .m O’Nl— lfl— l l— llfl—M—m—m—m—nu—u—un—m—m
\Vha tever i nfluenced vou tobecome abu tche r ? "
“ Oh , I a lway s wa s fo nd o f an i
Ina ls .
”
TIE : “ Some st i ll say they can see
people smuggli ng on thebeach a t
n igh t .
”
SHE : “ Y es,I know
,and G rand
ma savs i t’
s d i sgust i ng , too .
”
—Phoeui :v.
uu— u —mI—Im—Im—um—un—nu—nu—u—uo‘o m—ml—nu—n—m
—|Iu—mi — lul—u|l—ml —Iul— Illl— l l l l— lIII—Illl— Illl— I I I I— l l l l . a'
lll—|l l l— lIIl—Illl— llII —l l l| _ nu—m—nu —mi —ml
forHigh School or C0 e
The Co-op has i n s tock a la rge li ne of app ropr ia te g i f t art icles for your i hspect ion a r ticles of pe rman en t value— Illino i s Jewelry , Penn an ts, Pi llows,Banners, Memory Books . Illi no i s Song Books
,Illin i Poetry , V iew Book s
,
Roy c rof t hand -made gi f ts , Pictures , Pr in ts , etc .
On the Square
—|m —uu— u|| _ug—mg—nu—uu - w—u|I —|g,—|m—u|| —|m —u! i— lm—I|ll—Ml— Illl— I I I I— "ll— lll—Il‘l— lllI— lln — IlIl—Ill— llIl—U|i
[ 32 ]
We wan t y ou
tobe per fectly sat i s fied wi thall the p r in t i ng you h ave to
have done
We wan t y ou
a s one O f the many sa t i s fied
cus tome rs we have on our
li s t .
We wan t y ou
to g i ve us a t r ial i f you haveneve r done so i n the pas t .
Y ou’
ll wan t us
f rom then o n,to do your
p r i n t i ng .
HORACE :“What d id your wi fe
have to say when you came i n a t
fou r th i s mo rn i ng ? ”
MA URICE : “ D idn’t have a wo rd
Fa i r Enough
Marriott 85 Mi lesto say .
”
HORACE :’S ma tte r
,tongue Pr in ters
t ied 17” Succeed ing Ma rr iot t's Pr in t Sh opMAURICE : “ No , I put cemen t i n 1 1 0 N. Walnut Ph on e 1 698
herbeau ty clay — B curslciu. Ups ta i rs.
‘Qll—m—Ifll—fll—Ill—In—flll—Ifll—lll-flll—II—ln—llll—lIl—W—fl—lll—U—ll—U—fll
—U—I—Il—I—n—D
.‘oM—ml—ul—Im—ln—ll—ln—lll—n—I'lll—lll—fll—fl—fl—fll—(Il—fl—I—Ifl—fl—n—fl-U-n
—U*
In 1 881 Ed ison sh ipped to th e
Pa ris E xpos i t ion h i s “ Jumbo”
dy n amo— eigh th won d er of th eworld . It could ligh t 1 000
lamp s . Now th ere a re G -E
gen era tors la rge en ough to sup
ply curren t f or ov er a m illionlamps , each wi th four t imes thecan dle -power o f t h e lamp of
1 881 .
Th e G en eral Electr ic Compan yp roduces o th er elec trical appara tus wh ich mak es i t poss ible .
to tran sm i t power ov er grea td istan ce s . I t h as put electr ici tyi n sev en - leagueboo ts . In i t s
labora tor ies , s c i en t is ts are n owexperim en t in g wi th voltagest en t imes a s grea t a s th e h ighest n ow in use .
If y ou are in t eres t ed in learn ingmore abou t wh a t e lec tric i ty i sdo in g , wr i te f or Rep rin t No.
AR391 con ta in in g a completes et o f th ese a dv ert isem en ts .
G E N E R A L E L E C T R I C C O M P A N ? ,
Back in 1 885, Thomas A . Ed i son succeeded in
tran sm i tt ing electri ci ty a t 220volts for on e m ile— an a ch ievemen t and a prom ise .
The prom ise was fulfilled a f ew mon th s ago,
when electrici ty at voltswas tran sm i tted
two hundred an d forty m iles to supply Los
AngelesWith ligh t and power.
Now fivebillion dollars are invested in electric
power plan ts . A stupendous figure that test ifiesto the alertn ess of thousands o f college- tra in ed
men who hav ebeen leaders in the p roduct ion
and use of electric power .
S C H E N E C T A D Y , N E W
The electrical era h as on ly dawn ed . Each y ear
some n ewmach in e or d i scov ery mak es i t possibleto apply electricity in un expected way s . The
graduate of today will find electrici ty directly
or indi rec t ly a m ean s for even greater aecom
plishmen ts , no matter what h i s callin g in life
maybe.
