I S S U E 4 / VO L U M E 1 9

THE HEADLINEROCEAN COLOURSCENEEXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW PAGE 16-17

2.11.05

Unrest Among Students Academics UnhappySenior Clinicians QuitHospital StrugglesBrady SlammedThe College Tribune has been alerted to anumber of serious problems and unrestin the Veterinary Medicine faculty by aca-demics, former clinicians and unhappystudents.

Serious concerns have been raised regarding theAnimal Hospital’s output and its ability to attractpatients to the hospital, leaving some final year stu-dents with near nothing to do. As a result of this, oneacademic, who is no longer employed by UCD, hashit out at the University claiming that:

“The final year students are getting sold short.Every other student down there is getting sold short.”

The former clinician went on to attack UCD’sPresident, stating “Hugh Brady thinks that everythingin the world should make a profit. UCD should not bethere to make profit it should be there to educate, andthe Vet Faculty, they should be there to train clini-cians.”

There is also concern about the ability of the VetsHospital to attract cases.

>SEE PAGE

5

MODULARISATIONTHE TRIALS &TRIBULATIONSNEWS FOCUS PAGE 6

2.11.052 THIS WEEK

REGULARSEditorEoin Mac Aodha

Chief Sub EditorRuaidhri O’Connor

Design EditorSimon Ward

Distractions EditorBarry Bowen

Web EditorJonathon Kelly

Photography EditorAisling O’Leary

News EditorJack Cane

Sports EditorColin Gleeson

Features EditorsAlan TullyEileen O’Malley

Health&Fashion EditorCaitríona Gaffney

Music EditorRonan Dempsey

Film EditorKaren O’Connell

Box 74,Students’ Centre,University CollegeDublin,Belfield,Dublin 4.

Email:

tribune@campus.ie

Telephone:

(01) 716 8501

Online:

www.ucd.ie/tribune Special Thanks To:Stephen & Gary @ Spectator Newspapers,

Eilish O’Brien @ UCD Communications Office,

Mary & Mairtin MacAodha for the use of the-

house, IDisk Keys, D2, The Campus Bookshop,

Reads of Nassu St., An Oige, Ronan Murphy,

and all the editorial staff, you all do great

work, Suggs, Caffeine. And God.

Contributors:Ben Blake, Stephen Caffrey,Keith Clarges, CaitrinaCody, Darragh Connell,Fionn Dempsey, TamzenEnglish, Dan Finn, KateHayes, Roisin Jones,Gillian Kennedy, , KingsleyKelly, Eoin Martin, PeterMcKenna, Sinead Lee,Sheryl Lynch, DeirdreMcGuire, Rob McDermott,Kevin Murphy, JamesMountjoy, Derry Nairn, PaulO’Donnell, Mary O’Flynn,Barra O’Fianail, BillO’Reilly, Owen Priestly,John Parsons, Emily Parks,Emily Sheerin, Harry Smyth,Alex Tierney, Gordin Tobin,Andrew Whelan, KateWhelan, Eoin Whelan.

SPORT27

DISTRACTIONS18

FEATURES12

News3

FAUSTUSEDITORIAL &LETTERSTHE HEADLINERFASHION RUD’S WORLD10 THINGS I HATE...GUIDE TO THE LUNGEDEAR TRIBUNETHE TURBINEDOWN THE LINE

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NO. 8 / DIFFICULT

UCD make history,regaining theirDublin Hurlingcrown, eircomleague and basket-ball as well as achat with GaryDicker

Mens fashion, Tom Vek, Erin

McKeown, We Are Knives,

Books to Film and the usual

barrage of satire and reviews

A investigation in to the health ofthe Vets faculty, modularisationexplained, NCAD students inuproar and loads more

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SOLUTION TO NO. 5

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This weeksHeadliner:Legendryband Ocean ColourScene as well as aninterview with come-dian AndrewMaxwell

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NO. 7 / MEDIUM

COMPLETE THE GRIDS SO THAT EACH ROW,

COLUMN AND 3X3 BOX CONTAINS THE DIGITS 1 TO 9.

THE SOLUTIONS WILL APPEAR ON THIS PAGE IN THE NEXT ISSUE.

T R I B U N E

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SOLUTION TO NO. 4

Drop the solution to SudokuNo.7 (Medium) down to ouroffice in LG18,Arts Block to bein with achance towin a tripfor two toone ofAnOige’sworld-widehos-tels

2.11.05

2.11.05 3NEWS

The Students’ Union activelyencouraged second year chem-istry students not to sit a mid-term exam, which they claimedwas scheduled too soon for stu-dents to prepare adequately.

The boycott, which took place onWednesday 26th of October, was initi-ated and supported by SU President,James Carroll, Deputy President, DaveCurran, Education Officer, JaneHorgan Jones, Welfare Officer, DanHayden, and Accommodation &Employment Officer, Shaun Smyth.

The aforementioned sabbatical offi-cers stood outside the lecture theatresin the science block where the examwas due to take place, protestingagainst the circumstances of the exam,which they claimed was scheduled toosoon for students to prepare adequate-ly.

This dispute over the exam aroseafter Class Representatives of the sec-ond year chemistry class, on theprompting of their constituent students,approached the SU Education Officercomplaining that the class were notgiven enough time to prepare for theexam.

Class Rep Linda Phelan spoke to theCollege Tribune on behalf of her classexpressing her concerns in relation tothe exam, stating that the students hadnot received adequate notice of theexam and that the students had notbeen told exactly what percent of theirfinal grade the exam in question wasworth.

Some students reported problemswith the subject of the test, claimingthat they had only learned the requiredmaterial in a lab the morning of theexam and were subsequently expectedto answer on it in the exam.

Phelan added that everyone waswilling to sit the exam, provided enoughpreparation time was given.

She also raised the point that the

boycott was an SU initiative and thatthere were members of the class whohad doubts about boycotting theirexam.

The SU Education Officer, JaneHorgan-Jones, was concerned overthe fact that the students were notgiven an adequate amount of time toprepare for the test. She considers atleast two weeks as sufficient notice, asopposed to the five hours that the stu-dents had.

However, 2nd Year chemistry stu-dent, Siobháin Swaysland, claims thatthe class were originally informed atthe beginning of the academic yearthere would be tests on the materialcovered in practicals, and that thesewould take place at the end of eachcourse.

Swaysland understood the exam tobe a tactic employed by the Chemistrydepartment to motivate students intostudying for their upcoming Christmasexams.

In defiance of this, SU PresidentJames Carroll explicitly advised stu-dents not to sit the exam. On hisrequest, a show of hands revealed that,at that point, roughly a third of the classwanted to sit the exam.

In an attempt to discourage thosestudents from sitting the exam he rea-soned that, the rest of the class could-n’t physically stop them from sitting theexam “except for not talking to you everagain.” and “for the sake of two thirds ofyour class, just don’t go into it [theexam].”

Horgan-Jones concurred withCarroll, adding that there was strengthin numbers; “everyone standing togeth-er is strong as well.”

One student who wished to sit theexam felt intimidated by the SUPresident’s words and asked a friend toescort him to the exam as an added

security measure.Niamh Cafferky, one 2nd Chemistry

student, commented that “I found itmore intimidating to be standing out-side being lectured by the SU not to doan exam that I wanted to do, ratherthan doing an insignificant exam.”

Former SU Education Officer, AbeyCampbell, became involved after hewas contacted by a second year stu-dent who felt she had been fobbed offby the Union’s Education Officer.

The move by current EducationOfficer Horgan-Jones to dismiss a stu-dent was described by Campbell as “adisgrace”.

Campbell said that staging a boycott“was a wrong and unfortunate mistakeof the SU to make. It is the result of amisunderstanding and misinterpreta-tion on the part of the second years.

“The exam itself is a mock exam thattakes place every year to make the stu-dents realise that they have to study.Though it’s not worth any marks, thechemistry department refer back to itwhen assessing borderline cases.

“The exam itself is also a way for thechemistry department to determinewhether or not students are attendingtheir labs.”

Adding that the SU took foolishaction, Campbell stated that theEducation Officer should have spokento third year chemistry students aboutthe exam.

Her failure to do so has, according tothe former Education Officer, made herlook foolish in the eyes of third years,fourth years, postgraduate studentsand the Chemistry department.

“Jane didn’t take on all the informa-tion available and didn’t conductenough research on the situationbefore she spoke to the ChemistryDepartment and organised the boycott.

Campbell maintains that theEducation Officer took away an educa-tional opportunity from students, andthat it is now time for her to back down,claiming that “statistically, studentswho do not sit these ‘mock’ exams aremore likely to fail in the real thing.”

According to Campbell, it was not

the Chemistry Department that werelying to their students as the SU tried tomake out, but in fact it was the SUthemselves that were lying, withCampbell claiming that the SU knewthe exam had no actual percentagetowards final grades.

Dr. Risse, the chemistry lecturerinvigilating the test, clarified that theexam did not carry any marks and itwas purely for the benefit of the stu-dents.

Despite Carroll’s best efforts to con-vince students not to sit the exam atthis time, it was sat by approximately70- 80 students. By Horgan-Jones’estimation, stated at SU Council, 60students did not sit the exam.

Students who sat the exam com-mented that it wasn’t a pointless exer-cise and that it will benefit them, asthey now know the standard expectedof them and can work towards it.

For those who chose not to sit theexam, Horgan-Jones is putting her“heart and soul into getting it resched-uled”.

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PROTEST: SU PRESIDENT JAMES CARROLL PLEADING WITH STUDENTS TO BOYCOTT THEIR EXAM

PHOTO: AISLING O’LEARY

SU Boycott ExamCAITRÍONA GAFFNEY

Students of the National Collegeof Art and Design (NCAD) haveslammed a proposal regardingthe possible relocation of theCollege to UCD.

The proposal was revealed onThursday 20th October, following a pre-vious evaluation for expanding NCAD.The previous expansion project wasestimated to cost €76 million; a move toBelfield is believed to be considerablyless expensive.

The Board of NCAD is currently con-sidering redeveloping the smallThomas Street campus into a largeralternative, based in UCD’s Belfieldcampus. The possibilities for expandingNCAD would mean better facilities andthe potential for more space.

However, when The College Tribune

spoke to a number of NCAD studentsthey made themselves abundantlyclear that they are less then enthusias-tic about the possible move.

The students also declared them-selves to be “unhappy” about the man-ner in which they discovered this pro-posed relocation.

Nessa Darcy, NCAD SU President,stated that, “the College authoritieswere talking in secret.” It seems ananonymous source informed the stu-dents of the deliberations over themove.

NCAD staff were unavailable forcomment when contacted, but Darcystated that the decision making process

would take place over the next two tothree years, but it is not likely to beimplemented between six to ten years.

Such was the concern and anger ofthe NCAD students, that on Thursday27th October, they organized a protestto display their opposition to moving toUCD.

Students were supported by staffand local businesses in the ThomasStreet area in their demonstration.

NCAD SU claimed they only had onemeeting with NCAD College authori-ties, “just before the protest”, accordingto Darcy.

This meeting was also reckoned “byother people”, added Darcy, “to havetaken place so the Director could calmdown the students so they wouldn’toppose it so much.”

Highlighting the adverse effects therelocation would have for both theCollege and the community, Darcyclaimed “it would be technically betterin UCD, but the city centre is culturallysuperior, as it has galleries, and com-munities who work closely with NCADstudents. Local business benefits fromthe students.”

The NCAD SU Deputy President,Ben McDonald, concurred with this per-spective, adding that being based inUCD would mean that NCAD studentswould be “nowhere near any art gal-leries, any material shops, any ameni-ties”.

McDonald also commented that “thecommunity of NCAD, that’s the bestthing about it, the intimate creativeatmosphere that is there would be lost

in the masses of UCD.”These adverse effects of relocation

to UCD are a major concern for NCADstudents, whose SU press statementalso warned about the dangers of“diluting the NCAD atmosphere.”

One NCAD student, EimearO’Connor, claimed that UCD had “noth-ing culturally interesting about it” and“is not a creative atmosphere for NCADstudents.”

Darcy was quite adamant that NCADSU’s protest was nothing personalagainst UCD students, but rather anopposition against what she cites as athreat to their beloved Thomas Streethome.

The Director of NCAD, ProfessorColm O’Briain, was unavailable forcomment at the time of going to print.--

2.11.054 NEWS

Postgraduate students have expressed outrageover the fact that the library did not open theMonday of the Bank Holiday weekend.

Monday the 31st of October was a crucial date as it wasthe deadline for MA theses to be handed in.

However, the library remained closed, compromisingmany MA students who wished to make last minutechanges to their theses before availing of an express bind-ing service.

Many Postgraduate students feel that they have onceagain been over looked by the College, despite payinglarge fees.

The final date for the submission of MA theses was orig-inally set for 31st September. However, due to disruptionsin library opening hours over the summer this date wasextended to Monday 31st October.

A spokesperson for the College said that the librarywould be open from 9am until 9pm the Saturday andSunday of the Bank Holiday weekend,

“Masters Students can use the library during the week-end. In previous years, the library was not available to stu-dents on Sundays of Bank Holiday weekends.”

Of course there are MA students who submitted theirwork long before the extended deadline and believe thatanyone who has left theirs to the last minute has biggerthings to worry about than the library not being open theday before their thesis is due in.

Paul O’Brien, a History postgraduate. is one such stu-dent, he said that, “Some people might appreciate thelibrary’s limited computer facilities for last minute editing,but if you need the library for anything else at the latestage you’re probably in trouble anyway.”

When contacted by the College Tribune, Postgraduateand Evening students’ officer, Patrick McKay, said that nopostgraduate students had approached the SU regardingthe library remaining closed the day before final submis-sion.

McKay added that Sean Philips, Head Librarian, had notbeen aware of the situation either. Both expressed con-cern over the lack of communication from Postgraduatestudents on the issue.

“It is rather tragic that the library will not open the daybefore the final deadline, I am sure many students arereliant on the Postgraduate facilities in the library.

“I would have liked to see it open for Postgrads withoutborrowing facilities, simply so they could polish off theirwork for added peace of mind

“Perhaps it was inconsiderate on the part of the library,but there seems to have been a communication break-down. Obviously the library weren’t aware that this was theday before the thesis deadline.

“However, I don’t see how this could have an adverseaffect on the standard of a thesis as the day before thedeadline should only be for polishing off and last minuteediting”

However, one Politics Masters student told the CollegeTribune, “Not everyone has a computer at home and peo-ple don’t realise how long it takes to edit and format a the-sis. That last bit could be the difference between a first anda two-one. I really think it’s a bloody disgrace and justanother incident in a long line of the College taking ourmoney and then selling us short.”

The Students’ Union Education Officer, JaneHorgan-Jones, has reacted angrily to the con-tinuing failure of the University to consultstudents concerning the proposed introduc-tion of modularisation to second year cours-es.

She described the University’s plans as “a hugeissue” and again voiced fears that students would have“very little input into the decision”.

Calls for proper consultation with those who wouldbe affected by the implementation of the Horizons pro-gramme, came after second year continuing studentswere informed that the University’s intention is to mod-ularise second year courses.

In response to this development the Students’ Unionlaunched a campaign to establish what line, if any, stu-dents think should be taken. Ms. Horgan-Jones statedthat the aim of this campaign is “to ensure that studentsare consulted about what they want”.

Already a petition has been circulated with arrange-ments being made for lecture addresses encouragingaction against modularisation. A stand will also be setup to help keep students informed.

On Wednesday 26th October the SU President,James Carroll, and Horgan-Jones met with theRegistrar, Philip Nolan.

It is understood that at this meeting an agreementwas reached and within the coming week, CollegeSchool Principals and Class Representatives will meetto organise a forum in which ordinary students canpresent their opinions.

However, anger has also been aroused by the factthat last year assurances were given by the Universitythat modularisation would not affect continuing stu-dents. Rónán Condon, a second year class rep, saidthe refusal of the University to honour its promises was“ not satisfactory”.

Condon added that if the decision was made to mod-ularise second year courses without proper consulta-tion of the student body he would oppose it.

Amy Cahill, another second year class rep,described the situation that students had been left in asa “disgrace”; when asked if she thought the consulta-tion process had been adequate, she replied emphati-cally “no, I don’t”.

In reply to inquiries made by The College Tribuneabout recent developments, the University stated that adecision should be reached by the end of Novemberbut before this there would be “an amount of consulta-tion”.

CAITRÍONA GAFFNEY

THE LIBRARY: NOT OPEN ON BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY

PHOTO: CJG

GILLIAN KENNEDY

NCAD students in uproar

UCD: NCAD STUDENTS DON’T WANT TO BE PUT HERE

PHOTO: FILE

PETER MCKENNA

ModularisedConfusion

Postgraduate students let fly

2.11.05 5NEWS

The Vet Hospital, located behindthe O’Reilly Hall, was built in2002, at a reported cost ofapproximately €44 million whenthe Veterinary Faculty wasmoved from Ballsbridge toBelfield. The state of the artHospital is the only one of itskind in Ireland.

However, the Hospital’s move awayfrom Ballsbridge coupled with theresearch intensive reward system usedby UCD has led to unrest among cur-rent academics and prompted others toleave.

Under the University’s rewardscheme, promotion is contingent onresearch. As a result of this, cliniciansin the Vet Hospital are being over-looked for promotion because they aretoo busy engaging in practical work toproduce the adequate amount ofresearch.

In addition, the difficulty the Hospitalhas encountered in attracting signifi-cant case loads, particularly in largeanimal surgery, and the departure ofsenior and experienced clinicians hasleft “students short” according to oneformer academic.

Below are the issues raised by staff,students and former staff, unless other-wise stated, these people asked not tobe named.

Academics

A number of senior academics stillworking in the School of Agriculture,Food Science and Veterinary Medicinehave stated that there are serious prob-lems with morale, experience and thelow volume of caseloads. The academ-ic quoted here has asked to remainanonymous.

The main concern highlighted is thatthe College’s impetus on research hasbeen detrimental to the Vet Hospital,with one senior source stating “themajor problem here is that you justcan’t expect to maintain the same stan-dard of teaching when you are expect-ed to churn out research. Therefore, ifyou are conscientious and commityourself to your students you have nochance of promotion.”

The same source added; “all the pro-motions have gone to Brady’s ‘yes-men’.”

Another academic who has left theHospital said, “The clinician who willattract case load will not be the clinicianwho will be successful in an academiccareer. He can be down there all day [inthe Vet Hospital] teaching, working,attracting case loads. Yet when itcomes to promotion, he gets a formasking what papers did he publish andhe gets overlooked.”

Former Academics

A number of senior academics havedeparted in the last number of yearsdue to the problems they encountered.

The reason for the changes at theHospital, as cited by some sources, hasbeen the College’s recent regimechange and the added impetus beingplaced on research rather than case-work. One former academic did howev-er, state that “any of the staff that haveleft the hospital have left for other rea-sons as well. There was no sole rea-son.”

Anne Healy a former clinician inUCD, stated, “Those of us involved inclinical work were spending a signifi-cant proportion of our time on clinicalwork and servicing the clinic and main-taining a service and that time then waslost to research which was the onlything that the University seemed to beinterested in.

“We felt that certainly we were at adisadvantage in terms of promotion andall the rest. I know that benchmarkingwas meant to kind of address thatissue. However, I certainly don’t think itgoes far enough “

Another recently departed academic,Michael Mahoney, said, “If theUniversity is to continue to maintain itsVeterinary Teaching Hospital as a cen-tre of excellence within the context of aresearch intensive environment itneeds to actively acknowledge andsupport the outputs of veterinary clini-cians.”

Students

A number of final year Vet studentshave expressed their displeasure at thecurrent situation in the hospital.

In final year, students take on ‘rota-tions’, where they actively work in theHospital toward their final degree. Thisis designed to give them practical expe-rience.

The Small Animal Hospital is runningat “full capacity” according to HospitalManager, John Brettler.

However, students have expressedconcern regarding the caseload in theLarge Animal Hospital, claiming thatthe amount of work to do is minimal ifstudents are doing their ‘rotations’ inLarge Animal Surgery.

A final year student explained,“What’s happened down there isthey’ve lost a lot their surgeons. Thestudents who are on Large AnimalSurgery have found it a bit quiet and inthe last few weeks they’ve started toget pissed off.”

One clinician who worked in the VetHospital stated; “The final year stu-dents are getting sold short. Everyother student is getting sold short aswell. The trouble is [the students] toler-ate it until they get to final year.”

He explained “The system can bepadded on the way up by having non-veterinarians teaching but you can’t dothat when they get to final year.”

Caseload

Brettler admitted that there has beena problem in the Large Animal Surgerysector of the hospital.

Large Animal Surgery, which dealswith equine surgery is running, accord-ing to the Hospital Manager, “at some-where around 30% of its potential out-put.”

Brettler was, however, confident thatthey “had turned the corner” with theemployment of a new head of EquineSurgery, Dutchman Nick Vos.

However, according to the seniorsource within the Vet Faculty “you can’tjust turn things around overnight likethat. The fact of the matter is that thereare a number of specialists in theCurragh area, so you’d have to drivepast them to get to UCD.”

While Brettler conceded that therehad been a problem in the equinedepartment he stated that all the rest ofthe Hospital’s departments were at fullcapacity.

However, the senior source went onthe say “when you build a state of theart hospital like the one we have here,with all the facilities that we have, youshould have cattle on trolleys waiting tobe operated on.”

One of the former clinicians whospoke anonymously commented that “ifthere isn’t a designated expert therethen you won’t get Vets to referbecause Vets in the practice will say‘sure, I’m as good as him’.”

This was corroborated by a previousmember of the Vet Faculty; “who isgoing to refer something to someonewho may in fact be of years and yearsless experience than the person who isactually sending the animal in? Or atleast expecting that if they are sendingit to somewhere like the UniversityHospital they are getting the best.”

Impetus on research

Both former and current academicshave expressed dismay at theUniversity’s research intensive impe-tus.

One of the anonymous former clini-cians told The College Tribune,“Clinicians can certainly have a validresearch output. The fact is, that clini-cians are effectively subsidising theactive researchers by taking up theteaching load while the researchers getpromoted. So the researchers get pro-moted. Simple as that.”

The former UCD employee went onthe say, “Practical veterinarian’s arepeople who have opted for a clinicaltrack position.

“While it might arguably fall within thepractice of a Science graduate, theactual practice of a Science graduate’strade is research.

“To suggest that the actual practiceof a veterinarian’s trade is research is a

fraud.”Another of the ex-UCD vets carried

on this theme, “There is no doubt thatthe thinking is ‘the PhD and the publica-tions will always be the thing that mat-ter.’

“It is relatively difficult for primary cli-nicians. What we would be publishingwouldn’t be rocket science sort of stuff.In terms of molecular biology and all thethings that people seem to think are‘real-research’.

“Everyone agrees that research ishugely important but it is as if it was atthe exclusion of everything else includ-ing teaching, which effectively is whywe are there in the first place.”

Location

The location of the Hospital, in thecentre of Dublin has also been calledinto question.

One of the sources who spoke to TheCollege Tribune stated that:

“The people who make these deci-sions had bought houses in the greaterDublin area and were not willing tomove out to a rural location to servicewhat would have arguably been a bet-ter area.”

The anonymous source did however,go on to state, “I would be the last per-son in the world to defend UCD VetFaculty but every large Animal Hospitalin the world has a problem with largeanimal case load and any Vet practicethat moves location is going to have aneven bigger problems with its caseload.

“Large animal case load is a problemfaced by every teaching hospital, par-ticularly an urban one, across theworld.”

At the time of going to print neitherBoyd Jones, the Dean of VeterinaryMedicine, nor Maurice Boland, theHead of the School of Agriculture,Food Science and Veterinary Medicinewere available for comment.

Students “Have Started to Get Pissed Off”

VETS HOSPITAL: CONCERNS HAVE BEEN RAISED REGARDING ITS OUTPUT

PHOTO: AISLING O’LEARY

9>EDITORIAL

EOIN MACAODHA

The UCD Horizons programmehas reached a new level of pub-licity in recent weeks, with thewidespread commotion causedby plans to bring all existing stu-dents under it by the start ofnext year. Besides anger andindignation, many students havebemoaned a lack of proper infor-mation on the subject.

The intention on the part of the

University was summed up well in

Registrar Philip Nolan’s letter to all stu-

dents with the start-of-year registration

package. “We intend to modularise and

semesterise all stages of our degree

programmes from September 2006,”

said the letter, “so if you are still with us

at that time, you will benefit from the

flexibility of the modular system, in the

final stages of your programme.”

Students were issued with this letter

in August. This remains, at the time of

going to press, the only effective

attempt the University has made to

inform students on the issue. By the

middle of last week, a student cam-

paign formed under the banner of the

SU has reached fever pitch.

Students protested that the Teaching

& Learning Board was to meet and

finalise the decision on October 27th

and that beforehand there had been lit-

tle or no consultation between the

University and the students via the

Students’ Union.

A series of campaign meetings were

planned and carried out, with apparent-

ly successful effects. The registrar, in a

meeting with SU Education Officer

Jane Horgan-Jones on Wednesday

26th, agreed to a consultation process,

effective as soon as possible, to see

how best to approach the issue with

respect to the students.

The terms of the process are quite

ambiguous. College Presidents are to

meet with class reps, with a view to fur-

ther consultation, perhaps in the form

of a referendum. It seems that the mat-

ter may be negotiable on a departmen-

tal basis, and the onus is on class reps

to provide a forum for adequate discus-

sion, and on affected students to partic-

ipate and make their requirements

known.

This will mean that the student body

will need to inform itself properly in

order to engage in the discussion. The

UCD Horizons website has become

notorious for its corporate rhetoric and

flimsy pseudo-information.

The College Tribune offers anindependent assessment of theHorizons programme, to serveas a counterpoint to the bias ofUCD’s own infamous publicitymachine.

What does the changeovermean?To understand it, you must understand

the key features of the change. The

UCD Horizons programme differs from

the original one in that it is semes-

terised and modularised. So what do

these terms mean?

SEMESTERISATIONInstead of three terms, the college

year is split into two semesters. A stu-

dent takes six modules (the equivalent

of 12 lecture courses) per semester.

Rather than assessment for the whole

year occurring at the end of the aca-

demic year, there are exams at the end

of each semester for the modules taken

in that semester.

MODULARISATIONTypically, a student major’s in a cer-

tain subject. To major in Philosophy, for

example, you would take all the avail-

able modules in Philosophy. But

instead of taking another subject, you

may, if you wish, pick & mix from the

individual modules within those sub-

jects.

What’s wrong with this? It sounds good.Yes, but that’s not to say that it does

not have problems. There are some

very good aspects to the Horizons pro-

gramme; this cannot be denied. But the

University understandably, has not

publicised the negative effects that it

will have, and it is not without these

either.

In the case of semesterisation, the

negative effects are simple. It comes

down to whether you want to split your

exams up, or do them all in one bunch.

Students who are used to the non-mod-

ular system will not be used to

Christmas exams, and this raises the

question whether this kind of change

should be dropped on anyone in their

final year.

In the case of modularisation, there

are a host of problems and objections.

In previous issues of The College

Tribune, the timetable difficulties expe-

rienced by first year students were well

documented. Many students were

unable to take subjects that had drawn

them to UCD in the first place.

Granted, any new system will have

such hiccups, but next year’s final-year

students have expressed concerns

that the confusion caused by the new

system might put them under even

greater unnecessary stress, which

could affect their degree prospects.

Surely there are educationalbenefits?

The educational implications of the

new system are far reaching. If the

practical effects of the modular system

are considered, it becomes evident

that, contrary to the idea that it

improves learning (which is simplistic),

it engenders a major threat to the

integrity of University education.

There is a tendency towards broad,

inter-disciplinary knowledge without

any specialist depth. There is also a

bias in favour of the “educational

tourist” and against the Majoring stu-

dent.

The UCD Student Guide gives this

definition of a module: “A module is a

self-contained piece of learning with a

credit value.” Let’s ignore for a moment

the arrogance involved in giving any

proper body of learning such an inap-

propriate quantification as a ‘credit

value’, or the reductionism involved in

thinking of learning in terms of ‘pieces’.

Instead, attention should be drawn to

the use of the word “self-contained”. At

present, within subjects, lecture-cours-

es are interdependent with each other.

Lessons learned from one can be

brought to bear on another with a goal

towards a broad, integrated under-

standing of the subject, which then

serves as a foundation for more spe-

cialised study.

In making a module ‘self-contained’,

the lecturer is obliged to cater for a

modular student who is not taking the

other modules within the subject. The

module therefore cannot depend on

any material learned in other modules

in the subject. Lecture modules can not

be inter-dependent.

Majoring students will therefore have

to listen to repetition of basic, context

material in all of their lectures, purely

for the benefit of the modular student.

Arguably, this will mean that a mod-

ule will reach a far more limited under-

standing of the subject with which it

deals, since valuable course time must

be spent filling in ‘tourists’ on the

basics.

It is impossible to make a degree

fully customisable, or to make it comply

with a commercial model, without a cor-

responding effect on the subject matter

of the degree. With the Horizons pro-

gramme, UCD has given a higher prior-

ity to publicity and appearance than to

actual academic merit or educational

sense.

It remains to be seen whether the

student body will be taken in by the

hype, or make an educated decision on

the issue.

2.11.056 NEWS FOCUS 2.11.056 NEWS FOCUS

Consultation or Alienation?It seems that the College want all students to be modularised and semesterisedby September 2006. Fionn Dempsey explains exactly what this will entail

1WE SIGNED UP FOR THE OLD SYSTEM Besides legal matters, that agreement constitutes a moral contract, and it is a severe snub to the student body(and indicative of the esteem in which we are held) that such an agreement is being annulled so quickly and easily.

2345

WE WERE ASSURED LAST YEAR THAT MODULARISATION WOULD NOT AFFECT US. This move prevented the student body from objecting to the proposal in its infancy. Now, the proposal is underimpetus, has had significant investment, and it is more difficult to disengage from. This is an extremely disingenuous piece of political manoeuvring on the part of the University authorities.

IT IS UNLIKELY THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO “BENEFIT FROM THE FLEXIBILITY OF THE MODULARSYSTEM”With two subjects from the first two years, we will probably not be able to add a module from a third subjectin 3rd year. We therefore do not stand to gain anything from the implementation of the new programme, butsince it is evident that the system has teething problems, and since it will require significant adjustment on ourpart to change between systems, students certainly stand to suffer from the drawbacks.

OUR DEGREE MAY BE TAINTED BY ASSOCIATION WITH HORIZONS. The ability to ‘mess-up’ your degree by including too many modules from diverse subjects, means that it islikely that the modular degree will not hold the same, across-the-board applicability and prestige as the oldone, and therefore will not have the same value for an employer. This could have profound negative effects on our employment prospects.

WITH ONLY ONE YEAR LEFT IN OUR DEGREE WHEN THE PROPOSED MODULARISATION HAPPENS,THE QUESTION HAS TO BE ASKED: WHY NOT WAIT UNTIL WE’RE GONE?It’s only a year, and it is customary in situations like this to phase out the old system and phase in the newone, rather than the “cut & paste” approach that UCD is taking, with predictable negative results.

Five most common objections to the principle of the changeover

THE ADMIN BUILDING: THE DECISION ON MODULARISATION WILL BE MADE THERE

9>EDITORIAL

FAUSTUSErasing the past,

sodomising the future

2.11.058 COMMENT

Another week of mind numbing hell. Faustus has taken tohanging out with Pete Doherty in a bid to end it all. Turnsout Kate Moss isn’t half the junkie she’s made out to be

which has disappointed Faustus no end.Not as disappointed though as with the hacks of UCD. In the last edition of

this esteemed publication a fatwa was issued against the disingenuous and dis-

gracefully lethargic gimps.

Surprisingly this failed to instil fear into the craven hearts of the most misguid-

ed and disaffected of UCD students.

The last edition of Union Council was roughly as entertaining as an episode

of the Cassidy’s. However, the Pierce and Clark odd couple display was mildly

amusing. It would please this disgruntled hack no end if those two could just get

it together.

Imagine the children, a mix of unbridled self-importance coupled with sheer

incompetence. The uber-hack.

Faustus, has objected to the editor for printing Pierce's letter’s in the same

paper and has threatened industrial action. However, it’s not as bad as his old

chum Talleyrand who has to endure Pierce looking over his shoulder.

In related council bollix tripe. Niall “I have constituents” Dolan stuck it to the

man and refused to let the Tony “Evil Incarnate” McDonnell use Council as a

forum for his Machiavellian plans to invade Iran or something like that.

Unsurprisingly Faustus nodded off half way.

Fergal “ Judge Judy” Scully was having none of it and duly evicted the garru-

lous defender of justice. In a pique of rampant indignation UCD’s freedom fight-

er resigned, demanding an apology from Judge Judy for his intransigence. It is

unlikely Dolan will be returning to his position anytime soon.

It was also nice to see the Union offering to pay legal costs of up to Euro 500

for a 3rd Arts Student after he was arrested by the nasty police for a peaceful

protest outside the Immigration Bureau.

Faustus was incredulous that Students’ Union funds are actually being put to

use. In no way does he condone spending an insignificant sum on a UCD stu-

dent who was protesting peacefully at the draconian and racist laws of the state.

Disgraceful.

What ever happened to spending Union funds on hoodies, t-shirts and cans

in the Bar. Puffs. That money could have better wasted in so many other imag-

inative ways and is indicative of the vacuous minds of this years’ councillors.

Carroll himself also went all Che Guevara on the College authorities last

week. Like a caged rabbit, he pleaded with the students of second year science

not to sit an exam. Some of the students were obviously quite pleased at the

welcome excuse not to get an education. Some innocent little lambs felt that the

angry SU president was bullying them.

Obviously Carroll forgot to circulate a memo at the start of the year that would

probably have said something along the lines of ‘UCD is no longer an education-

al institution. Its sole function is now the advancement of my career. You’re all

great fellas and I really like you. James xxx.’

To be fair he probably wouldn’t have gone that far, it would have been fright-

fully expensive to do up all those letters and those Fianna Faíl-er’s would never

ever ever waste any money.

The lovely Jane “lips like honey” Horgan-Jones has mobilised the masses

against the evil Dr Phil and his evil plans to modularise all second years. It would

be wrong of Faustus to suggest that JHJ and Carroll are only interested in shelv-

ing the scheme because it will affect them when they go back into third year next

year. He wouldn’t do it.

In fairness to the lovely Jane she did manage to get Arts students to go into

the Ag Science building for a public meeting. A considerable achievement. It is

also believed that the body count is also well

below the expected. After all casualties of war must

be expected.

Thus, another fortnight down. Hopefully the

next one will be even slightly entertaining.

Perhaps Dave Curran might do some-

thing thick, its been a couple of

weeks now.

Article 26 of the Declaration ofHuman Rights states that; every-one has the right to education.However, since 1979, the gov-ernment of the Islamic Republicof Iran has systematicallysought to deprive its largest reli-gious minority, the Bahá'í Faith,of the right to a full education. The situation in Iran representsperhaps the only case where theright to education is being inten-tionally denied to an entire groupof people. This denial of educa-tion is based purely on religiousdiscrimination.

The Bahá'í Faith is the youngest of

the world's independent religions. Its

founder, Bahá'u'lláh (1817-1892), is

regarded by Bahá'ís as the most recent

in the line of Messengers of God that

stretches back beyond recorded time

and that includes Abraham, Moses,

Buddha, Zoroaster, Christ and

Muhammad.

The Bahá'í faith stresses the pri-

mary importance of education in

fostering humanities material,

social and spiritual advancement.

There are currently between five

and six million Bahá'í’s in the

world, with one thousand in

Ireland, five of those attending full

time education here in UCD

The Islamic Republic of Iran has

for more then twenty-five years

blocked the three hundred thou-

sand member Bahá'í community

from higher education, refusing

them entry to university. The gov-

ernment has also sought to close

down Bahá'í efforts to establish their

own institutions of higher learning, in an

attempt to completely block the

progress and development of the com-

munity.

The official decree barring students

from admission to public University was

issued in 1981, soon after the Islamic

revolution. In that year Universities

published new prospectuses requiring

that applicants belong to one of the four

religions recognised in the constitution,

namely the Muslim, Christian, Jewish or

Zoroastrian religions.

The government has stated in the

past that if Bahá'ís simply declare them-

selves as Muslims on their application

form, they would be allowed to enrol in

college. But for Bahá'ís, who as a mat-

ter of religious principal refuse to lie or

dissimulate about their belief, to even

pretend to be a Muslim for the sake of

going to university was unthinkable.

The government eventually (seem-

ingly to pacify international human

rights monitors) agreed to remove said

part in the application form that asks

you to state your religion. However

when the

Bahá'ís

sat

the entrance exam in 2004, the results

that came back in August, had recorded

them as Muslims. Bahá'ís, however,

took a stand on the issue and, accord-

ingly were denied enrolment to College

once again.

All the Bahá'ís, some eight hundred

who took the exam were excluded from

University in 2004-2005 via this ploy,

and again the same thing happened for

this academic year 2005-2006. The

persecution of the Bahá'ís in Iran is not

related to any underlying issue of eth-

nicity or political agenda.

The overwhelming majority of Iranian

Bahá'ís come from the same diverse

ethnic stocks as the rest of the popula-

tion, and they represent a cross section

of Iran’s social classes. Only their reli-

gious beliefs distinguish them from their

fellow countrymen – beliefs that the

Bahá'í teachings forbid them from

imposing on others.

Because of the control exercised by

the Islamic clergy over the media, the

nature of Bahá'í beliefs remains virtual-

ly unknown to a public that has been

systematically taught to hate and fear

them. The result has been widespread

and unrelenting prejudice.

Throughout the past century, the

Bahá'ís of Iran have been persecuted.

With the triumph of the Islamic rev-

olution in 1979, this persecution

has been systematized. More

than 200 Bahá'ís have been

executed or killed, hundreds

more have been imprisoned,

and tens of thousands have

been deprived of jobs, pen-

sions, businesses, and edu-

cational opportunities.

The Government has

banned all national and local

Bahá’í administrative institu-

tions, and Bahá'í holy places,

cemeteries and community

properties have been confis-

cated, vandalized, or

destroyed.

Over the last past twenty

five years, the only source of

protection for the Iranian Bahá'í com-

munity has been international concern,

as expressed through the United

Nations and in the global news media. It

is essential that the international com-

munity at large protest the blatantly

unjust oppression that continues to con-

front the young people of Iran’s Bahá'í

community. It is only through recogni-

tion and coverage that justice may

some day be realised.

faus

tus

“QUOTES OF THE FORTNIGHT“Now we didn’t get fair play last year and if they want to intro-duce a handicap system, introduce it but let’s be clear about it.” Babs Keating commenting after UCD’s historic Dublin Championship victory

“Hugh Brady thinks that everything in the world should make aprofit. UCD should not be there to make profit it should be thereto educate, and the Vet Faculty, they should be there to train cli-nicians.”A former UCD academic highlights just one of the problems encountered by theVet faculty

“Gary Glitter who ran around backstage shouting ‘FUCK OFF’wearing an oxygen mask. [He’s] absolutely insane…It wasstraight out of Blue Velvet.”Ocean Colour Scene frontman Simon Fowler entertains the College Tribune

Iran is not only threatening to blow Israel off the map, they’re alsoviolating basic human rights. Mary O’Flynn reports on the denialof Higher Education to Iran’s largest religious minority, the Bahá'í

Discrimination starts at home

MUNA MAHMUDNIZHAD : HUNG IN 1983

E D I T O R I A L

2.11.05 9LETTERS & EDITORIAL

MODULARISATION

To the Editor,You claim to be independent but who are you inde-

pendent from? You are not politically independent, withyour last editorial criticizing the great McDowell, the onlypolitician gutsy enough to do what is necessary and theonly one who will stand up to the I.R.A. You seem tobedelighted to be free of the SU, but the Su is hardly theharshestmaster. As a fresher I must wonder, does yourslogan mean anything?

Yours disillusionallyStephen Fitzpatrick

INDEPENDENT?

LETTERS

STUDENTS’ UNIONCOUNCIL

Box 74, Student Centre & LG 18, John Henry Newman Building, Dublin 4

Telephone: 01 - 7168501E-mail: tribune@campus.ie

The College Tribune reserves the right to edit all letters. The views expressed on this page are the views of theletter writers and do not reflect the views of the College Tribune.

Sir,

I am writing in relation to the events of our Union Council’s

meeting of Wednesday 26th of October. This Union Council

meeting could be called productive in relation to the fact that the

Education, Entertainments and Welfare Policy and Service com-

mittees were, at 6 and a half weeks into the academic year, pre-

liminary organised. Also eight motions were discussed and

voted upon, the President of the Union of Students' in Ireland

(USI) Mr. Tony McDonnell, gave a presentation and took some

questions, and half of the directly elected officers of the Union

Executive delivered their reports.

This meeting of our Union Council could be called a disaster

in relation to the quality of those reports, the continuing apathy

shown by the Union Returning Officer, the quality of the USI

President's

presentation and lack of manners in his responding to ques-

tions. In addition there was the continuing lack of impartiality and

competence shown by the Chairperson, Mr Fergal Scully, and as

a result of this UCDSU's International Student's Officer (ISO) Mr.

Niall Dolan resigned.

This has at a stroke disenfranchised the 2,100+ International

students who make up approximately 10% of the UCD student

population. While it is a simple fact that the decision of the

International Students'Officer is his alone, it must be argued that

the circumstances and more importantly the actions of others

leading to leading to his resignation have to be condemned out-

right.

So what happened and how do those events demonstrate the

non-objective and incompetent performance of our Union

Council Chairperson, Mr Fergal Scully?

After the many motions were discussed, a few of which the

ISO spoke on, the Standing Orders or ‘rules’ of Union Council

were lifted. They were lifted by a procedural motion because

they contain an Order of Business that does not leave room for

presentations by officers of USI. After the USI President had fin-

ished his presentation UCDSU’s Education Vice-President, Miss

716 8501tribune@campus.ie

Or call into our office anytime at LG18 in the Arts Block

The situation in the Veterinary Faculty should be a cause forconcern among the higher echelons of UCD’s administra-tion.

The problems faced by the Veterinary Hospital are not exclusive toUCD but are encountered by every Large Animal Hospital in the world,particularly those situated in an urban environment.

It is clear that the difficulties encountered in Vets are not a by-prod-uct of the staff, who work extremely long hours teaching, servicing thehospital and indeed researching.

The problems lie in a multitude of areas highlighted in page five ofthis newspaper.

The most crucial point is that clinicians are not receiving the recog-nition they deserve because the nature of their job is practically orien-tated and not research concentrated.

One of the corollaries of UCD’s research-intensive environment isthat staff engaged in practical work are being overlooked for promo-tion.

The College claim that research and teaching should strike a bal-ance yet there is a clear impetus being placed on research.

The Hospital is in a catch 22 situation, whereby the Vets who willattract large caseloads into the Hospital will not be able to activelyengage in research and will therefore find themselves in a situationwhere they are not getting promotion,

While those Vets who are producing large amounts of research willnot be able to attract the requisite amounts of referral cases into thehospital.

It is clear that if the Veterinary Hospital is to flourish UCD’s rewardand promotional system needs to be restructured.

It is not true to state that Vets is in abject chaos and that every sin-gle Vet in the place is at breaking point. Indeed, there will certainly bea proportion of academics who will not thank the College Tribune forreporting on this matter.

However, there are clearly problems in the Hospital and Facultyamong staff, both past and present, which has a knock on effect on thestudents, the primary purpose of any University.

If the Veterinary Hospital is to strive to be the best, which as aUniversity Hospital and a centre of excellence it most certainly should,then these issues need to be addressed.

VETSJane Horgan-Jones, asked Mr McDonnell if USI’s

Deputy President was aware that he’d borrowed her presen-

tation on USI’s National Campaigns made during the summer

to full-time SU officers. Mr McDonnell replied he had not got

the time to prepare an

alternative/additional presentation. UCDSU’s ISO Niall

Dolan then commented that the presentation given was token-

istic.

It was here that the USI President took Mr Dolan’s comments

to apply to the very real and serious issues covered in the pres-

entation. Mr. Dolan objected claiming the USI President was

twisting his words. Mr.

McDonnell, clearly in love with his own powers of spin and

the opportunity to practice them, didn’t bother to ask our

International Student’s Officer to clarify his feedback. The

Chairperson didn’t see it as appropriate to step in and resolve

the dispute by allowing all

those present to receive a clarified statement from Mr Dolan

to which the USI President could have given a more substantial

and less vacuous and indeed 'heart-string pulling' response.

Instead he ruled the

International Students' Officer out of order, a formal way of

telling him to shut up. Because this was the third time Mr Dolan

had been ruled out of order (what specific orders had been

breached were never ONCE specified) Mr Fergal Scully broke

his constitutional job description of a “a non-voting chairperson,

non-participating chairperson” and proposed a procedural

motion to remove the speaking rights of the International

Students’ Officer. A procedural motion

that was part of the same Standing Orders that had been lift-

ed barely five minutes beforehand! I pointed out that as

Chairperson Mr Fergal Scully couldn’t do this yet he still

allowed the Union President Mr James Carroll to propose this

procedural motion.

I must relate at this stage that one of the possible causes for

Mr Dolan being ruled out of order by the Chairperson was he

made reference to one Class Rep’s membership of the Kevin

Barry Cumann of the Fianna

Fail party. While some might consider this inappropriate on

Mr Dolan’s part he was still within his rights to say so-as was

his fellow Class Rep within his rights to be a member of any

political party.

From all of last Wednesday evening’s events I can only con-

clude that Mr Fergal Scully is attempting to ineptly enforce a

utopian vision of cohesiveness on this year’s Union Council

which is a far larger body than the one he was a member of as

Union President last year.

Additionally I must condemn the USI President for leaving it

so late in UCD’s academic calendar before publicly addressing

anyone in our Union who is not a full-time officer. Finally, if he

wished to address our Union Council earlier than late October

he could have made a request to UCDSU’s President to con-

vene an extra meeting of Council at which USI could have

received all the attention it so clearly needs.

With respect to the press,

Pierce Farrell

The news that there is to be consultation betweenCollege authorities and students on the future ofModularisation should be welcomed.

To date it certainly seemed that the roll-out of Modularisation toinclude the current crop of second years was a fait accompli.

The College Tribune trusts that the College will now undertake a fulland comprehensive process of consultation with its primary ‘stakehold-ers’, the students.

To do anything less would amount to the worst form of deception.It is clear that the Horizons scheme has some enormous benefits as

it allows for a more a rounded education.However, there are also significant problems with the scheme and

current second years should not be parachuted into a system theyknow nothing about in their final and most important year.

As already noted in this issue and previous issues of this paper,UCD has a moral contract with the class of 2003. These studentsentered the College on the understanding that they would not be sub-jected to a modularised format. As such they should be allowed leavethat way and at the very least they should be granted the respect ofconsultation.

The manner in which this consultation process takes place must alsobe carefully chosen. The only way to fully and democratically decipherthe wishes of students is to hold a referendum.

This should be open only to those students who are in second yearor above and who will be returning to UCD next year to conclude theirdegree programme.

By doing so the College would go some way in restoring some of therespect that it has lost from its lifeblood, the students.

The College Tribuneis looking for an

Advertising ManagerExperience is beneficialbut not essential.

Today’s hectic schedules,unreasonable deadlines, crazywork environments and variouspersonal commitments are justsome of the ingredients that addto the anxiety and stress in any-one’s life.

Needlessto say, people are looking

for ways to balance their lives and

make them more manageable. The

best way to start a day off is by being

well rested.

Sleep is essential, it provides us with

an opportunity to repair the body and

rest the mind. A good nights’ sleep will

set you up for the day and prepare you

for everything it throws at you.

Experts say that we need eight hours

sleep a night, but between balancing

lectures, study and socialising, it’s rare

that students get the recommended

amount. However, sleep deprivation

can be detrimental to your health.

Many health experts are convinced

that getting enough sleep is as impor-

tant as healthy eating, regular exercise,

and maintaining low cholesterol and

blood pressure.

Lack of sleep can have negative

affects on memory and concentration

levels. Not only that, but failing to get

enough sleep has been linked to

depression, cancer and diabetes.

An average of eight hours sleep per

night is critical to good health. Scientific

studies have concluded that women

who sleep five hours or less a night are

more likely to develop heart disease

than those who get the recommended

eight hours.

Statistics show that the female of the

species is more likely to seek medical

advice on sleeping disorders, such as

insomnia. Women are also more likely

to suffer from sleep disruptions due to

fluctuating hormones.

Thus, during the nights prior to a

period, a woman’s sleep may be com-

promised as a result of these hormonal

shifts.

Lack of sleep can cause stress and

anxiety, and when a person is stressed

and tired, there is a greater risk of get-

ting sick.

Very often, students complain that

there is not enough time to get the rec-

ommended amount of sleep because

they have other commitments such as

classes and studying.

It’s very important for students to

develop regular sleeping habits, no

matter how difficult this may be.

A regular sleeping schedule will help

the body develop a consistent sleeping

cycle, the benefit of which will include

feeling more rested in the morning, and

being more alert and able to pay better

attention in lectures.

Missing out on sleep, due to a sleep

disorder, or from simply not scheduling

enough time for the necessary shut-

eye, can eventually lead to a sleep

deficit.

Without the requisite amount of

slumber that our bodies need to func-

tion and stay healthy, emotional prob-

lems, like depression, can develop. Not

getting enough sleep impairs memory

and concentration levels, affecting

study and the ability to work effectively.

Missing out on sleep can also lead to

serious weight gain. Those who don’t

get enough also run the risk of putting

on extra weight, going up a size or two

or even become obese.

Sleep deprivation causes levels of

the hormone which tells us when we

are full, to drop. With lower levels of

leptin, our brains do not know when we

have had enough food so we keep eat-

ing because we do not get that “full

feeling”.

Worse than that though, lack of sleep

also reduces levels of a human growth

hormone produced by the endocrine

system. Muscles and cells are less like-

ly to repair and regenerate, which

increases the visibility of nasty wrin-

kles.

While you’re asleep, your brain is still

active. There are five stages of sleep

that the brain passes through as we

snooze.

The five stages are known as a

sleep cycle. A full sleep cycle lasts

approximately 90 minutes. During an

average night sleep, a person should

pass through four or five sleep cycles

The first two stages are periods of

lights sleep. These are the stages dur-

ing which a person is most likely to be

easily woken up. Eye movements slow

down, eventually stopping, body tem-

perature decreases, and heart and

breathing rates become slower.

The third and fourth stages of sleep

are deep. They are the stages that we

desire most when we are very tired. It is

more difficult to wake someone up dur-

ing stages three and four. They are the

most refreshing stages of sleep, and if

woken from stages three or four a per-

son will feel groggy and disoriented.

During the final stage of sleep, rapid

eye movement occurs, which is why it

is known as REM. Physical changes

occur during REM sleep; breathing

increases and deepens and the heart

beats faster.

A person will experience their most

vivid dreams during this stage. It is also

believed that deep REM sleep helps

you learn and retain new information.

INSOMNIAInsomnia is the difficulty in getting to

sleep, difficulty staying asleep and a

difficulty in getting back to sleep. It is a

feeling of never being able to get

enough sleep. Insomniacs also suffer

from waking early and feeling tired in

the morning. There isn’t a cause for

insomnia, however, there are several

factors which can contribute to it:

• Mental health problems

• Physical health problems

• Psychological health problems

• Medication

• Lifestyle

• Environment

For some people, worrying about

insomnia can make insomnia worse.

It is common for most of us to experi-

ence sleeping difficulties, but if insom-

nia persists for longer than a month

without relief, then it is considered

chronic.

Chronic insomnia can be caused by

depression. Sufferers from chronic

insomnia can seek help from a doctor

or a therapist.

If your doctor is suspicious of a sleep

problem, he or she will look at your

overall health and sleep habits. Your

doctor should ask you about a wide

range of issues and concerns that may

be bothering you; your current and past

health, your family’s health, medication

that you may be taking, and any aller-

gies that you may have. Doctors are

unlikely to prescribe sleeping tablets for

the treatment of insomnia. Instead they

are more prone to review whether you

suffer from mental, physical or psycho-

logical problems.

Unless there is evidence that the level

of sleep deprivation caused by insom-

nia is severely disabling or causing

extreme distress, doctors are improba-

ble to prescribe sleeping tablets for the

treatment of insomnia.

Instead, they are more likely to advise

on the alternatives to sleeping medica-

tion such as; changes in lifestyle, light

therapy, and different forms of psy-

chotherapy like relaxation techniques.

Due to the risk of dependency when fol-

lowing a course of such medication for

longer than a four-week period, most

doctors will only prescribe sleeping

tablets for two to four weeks.

Medical experts defer from prescribing

medication to avoid dependency syn-

drome and the abuse of medication.

NIGHTMARESWith age, the frequency of nightmares

decreases. Although, as we get older

occasional nightmares can disrupt a

person’s sleep pattern, waking them up

from sleep.

Frequent nightmares can be trig-

gered by drugs, alcohol, certain med-

ications, post traumatic stress, and

ironically, sleep deprivation can also

cause nightmares. However, stress

and anxiety are the most common fac-

tors that cause nightmares.

SLEEPWALKINGIt’s rare, but not uncommon for sleep

walking to occur in adulthood.

Sleepwalking may run in families, and it

most often occurs when a person is

sick, not getting enough sleep, or is

stressed and anxious.

Most sleepwalkers don’t do so often,

generally speaking, it is not a serious

problem. They tend to go back to bed

on their own, and because it occurs in

the later stages of the sleep cycle, suf-

ferers don’t even remember sleepwalk-

ing.

2.11.0510 TRIBUNE HEALTH

ASLEEP: THIS CAT IS ASLEEP, PEOPLE WITH INSOMNIA ARE NOT

Caitríona Gaffney explains the hazardous effects of sleep deprivation for youto share with your tired and cranky friends over coffee

Sleep And Your Health

Routine: getting up and going to bedat the same time each day.Winding down and relaxing beforebedtime.Regular exercise aids sleep.Drinking less caffeine.

Eating large meals late at night; blood flow from the

brain is diverted to the stomach disrupting sleep.

Sharing the bed with a pet.

Sharing the bed with a snorer.

Alcohol! People think that alcohol will tire them out,

but in fact, it actually arouses the brain.

What helps us sleep… What keeps us awake at night…

“Lack of sleep canhave negativeaffects on memoryand concentrationlevels. Not onlythat, but failing toget enough sleephas been linked todepression, cancerand diabetes

2.11.05 11TRIBUNE HEALTH

In the self-conscious world welive in, it is almost impossible toescape the focus on bodily per-fection, the quest for eternalyouth, unwrinkled skin andtoned thighs. This obsession isfiltered into the mainstream con-sciousness from an early age,starting with everyone’sfavourite anti-feminist icon,Barbie.

As children we learn to worship at

the altar of ‘Thin’, to despair of chubby

fingers and ankles, and to exclude

those in our midst who do not conform

to society’s standards. In other words,

it’s assumed that thin equals beauty.

But where does this path lead us?

For some of us, the road to beauty

and happiness lies through the life-

threatening pattern of behaviour known

as eating disorders. Anorexia, bulimia

and binge-eating have become major

problems for people of all ages in

Ireland and the rest of the world.

According to IrishHealth.com,

approximately 3,500 12-17 year olds

will be affected by anorexia nervosa, up

to 7,000 of the same age group will

have bulimia nervosa and up to 14,000

may have a binge eating disorder.

These disorders stem from emotion-

al difficulties known as body image dis-

turbances. Body image is concerned

with self-esteem, how comfortable an

individual is in his or her body. These

feelings can be disturbed by messages

they receive, often unconsciously, from

their families, peer groups and the

media.

Sufferers of eating disorders feel that

they have little control over their lives

and begin dieting to try to take charge

of the situation. This dieting can spiral

out of control leading to anorexia or

bulimia. Depression is linked very

closely with eating disorders.

However, it is important to recognise

that while it is traditionally seen as an

exclusively female disorder, anorexia is

increasingly diagnosed among males.

Anorexia nervosa is a compulsion to

lose weight by starving oneself.

Sufferers feel compelled to follow strict

diets and count every calorie. It is more

than a case of an intense desire to lose

weight. It is a sign of emotional difficul-

ties, which manifest into compulsive

behaviour.

They become fixated by their weight,

often weighing themselves several

times a day. Starved of nutrition, they

continue this cycle of self-harm, con-

vincing themselves that they are still

overweight.

Reality becomes distant and mirrors

reflect, not the true picture of malnour-

ishment, but a distorted overweight

image.

Girls’ period’s cease and a fine,

downy hair appears on their skin.

Sufferers usually become depressed,

yet fail to confide their fears and sad-

ness in others. In chronic cases, suffer-

ers risk dying of starvation.

Bulimia is characterised by episodes

of binge-eating followed by intense

guilt, which leads the sufferer to purge

their body of calories through vomiting

or the use of laxatives. Compulsive

exercise is also linked with both

anorexia and bulimia.

Binge-eating is not a natural

response to extreme hunger but a reac-

tion to stress, depression and low self-

esteem. It is a vicious circle in which

the individual experiences a loss of

control while binging, a temporary relief

through purging, and a feeling of self-

loathing afterwards which forces him or

her to repeat the cycle.

To break this pattern it is essential to

seek medical and psychological sup-

port as early as possible. This can

sometimes be difficult as it can be diffi-

cult for family members and friends to

recognise sufferers of bulimia. There is

not the same dramatic weight loss

associated with anorexia, and efforts

are made to conceal the dangerous

habits from other members of the fami-

ly.

The repercussions of this disorder

can be extreme and include stomach

ulcers, ruptures of the stomach and

oesophagus, abnormal build up of fluid

in the intestines, dehydration, irregular

heartbeat and in severe cases, heart

problems.

An article by

Jennie O’Reilly ,

Chief Executive

Officer of

Bodywhys states

that 68% of fifteen-

year old females

are on a diet, 8% of

whom are on a

strict diet. What

leads these young

girls to worry about

their weight and

feel that they

must count

their calories and avoid chocolate

biscuits like the plague?

Clearly the role of celebrity in

contributing to this size-obsessed

atmosphere cannot be over-

looked. From Barbie’s tiny waist

to Kate Moss’ slender pins, the

message to young girls is clear-

big is not beautiful.

We see a clear example of this dan-

gerous trend in the story of Sophie

Dahl. In the year 2000 she was proof

that it wasn’t necessary to be size six to

be a model. As Britain’s leading plus-

size model, her curves were an inspira-

tion to women everywhere.

However, the inspiration ended last

year when photos revealed the new

Ms. Dahl. A minute size six/eight, she

has perhaps sacrificed her curves for

her career. Now she is simply one more

gaunt face among her fellow emaciated

celebrities, models like Eva Herzegova

(size six), Kate Moss (size six), and

Jade Jagger (size six).

It is tempting to lay the blame at the

door of the above celebrities and their

ilk for complying with these hazardous

standards but it is society as a whole

that is to blame for placing these icons

of emaciation on the pedestals on

which they reside. Why do we demand

these illogical and harmful standards?

Gone are the days of the seven-

teenth century artist, Rubens, whose

sensuous paintings depict

women in their natural

glory- voluptuous

thighs and buttocks

abounding with

glimpses of

dreaded cellulite.

These women

were not air-

brushed to

look slimmer,

nor instruct-

ed to tone

up, because they represented a

different ideal to the present one.

Visions of splendour and opulence,

Rubens’ women were symbols of

fertility and womanhood.

For the sufferer of an eating dis-

order, time is of the essence. It is

paramount that help is sought as

early as possible to minimise the

effects, physical and emotional.

An anorexic or bulimic will often

withdraw from their family and

friends, embarrassed by their

condition, denying that they have

a problem. They forget that eat-

ing disorders are akin to other

illnesses- they can be diag-

nosed and treated.

The sooner an eating disor-

der is acknowledged, the

sooner both the sufferer and

his or her family can learn to

deal with it. It is important for a

person with an eating disorder

to realise that they are not

alone and there is no reason to

be ashamed. It is not a failure

on their part to cope with life but

an extreme reaction to internal

stress or unresolved emotions.

Psychiatric help is usually instrumen-

tal in encouraging a sufferer to break

the pattern of self-harm and learn to

cherish themselves regardless of their

weight.

For the friends and family of some-

one with a suspected eating disorder,

there are signs to look out for.

These include refusals to partake of

family meals and signs of depression.

There may be an odour of vomit in the

bathroom, especially after meals.

It is important not to attempt to force

feed someone with anorexia as this can

worsen the problem. The individual

should be encouraged to speak to a

professional and receive counselling

and/or medical treatment. There is help

out there.

Bodywhys is an Irish charity that

offers help and support for those with

eating disorders, and their friends and

families. There are regular support

groups operating around Ireland as well

as online. They also run a helpline

service at Lo Call: 1890 200 444.

Further information can be found at

www.bodywhys.ie. Eating disorders

are a symptom of the times we live in

but its important to love ourselves the

way we are.

If you have been affected by any of

the matters discussed in this article

please consult either

www.bodywhys.ie , your doctor or

make an appointment with the UCD

Health Centre.

Anorexia, buleimia, binge eating; Caitrina Cody explains

Eating Disorders

PHYSICAL EFFECTS OF ANOREXIA & BULIMIA

1 Irritability, depression, inability to concentrate.

2 Swollen salivary glands, giving cheeks puffy appearance.

3 Lower heart rate, body temperature, blood pressure.

4 Erosion of teeth from stomach acid, due to vomiting.

5 Missed or stopped menstrual periods.

1

2

3

4

5

TRANSITION: SOPHIE DAHL

FIGUREST H E

According to IrishHealth.com12-17 years old affected by eating disorders

Anorexia 33,,550000Bulimia 77,,000000Binge eating disorder

up to 1144,,000000

2.11.0512 FEATURES

You may remember that in thesecond issue, the CollegeTribune’s intrepid Christina Finnwrote an insightful article aboutthe nature of graffiti in the ladiestoilets on our upstanding cam-pus. In the interests of genderequality and freedom of informa-tion to the public, the Tribunenow turns its unresting eye onthe men’s facilities to sampleand record the gems of wit andwisdom they hold.

It must first be noted that someone

has actually had the nerve to clean the

graffiti off the walls in many of the

gents’ toilets prior to the commence-

ment of the year. It all smacks of the

‘Brady Nanny State’ at work – the pow-

ers that be trying to stifle fine literature

and freedom of expression.

However, some of these great relics

of the student mind have survived the

cull. There is ample evidence available

on what the lads are saying during

those precious moments of solitude

and how it differs from what the fairer

sex scribble.

Apart from the obvious difference

one finds between male and female

facilities - that the toilet seats were uni-

versally in the upright position - male

graffiti seems to be less about serious

issues and more about humour, banter

and general slagging.

For example, on the NiteLine poster

in one cubicle, which features universal

student related subjects like drugs and

depression, some student had thought-

fully added a problem he thought wor-

thy of the helpline, namely “small

knob?”

It’s reassuring to feel that the male

student today understands his peers

and is willing to attempt to unload his

own size problems in the time hon-

oured method of posing it as a ques-

tion. Most males will jump at the

chance to whip out their pens in the

cubicles and contribute a litany of slurs

and insults back at the writer.

But beware perhaps our Porsche

driving graffiti artist might take these

comments the wrong way and develop

a major Freudian mindset about their

size, culminating in a Napoleonic com-

plex which might ultimately lead him to

attempt to run for SU President.

So please be nice to our future hacks

and instead of sending them into

careers in student politics by slagging

off their phallic sizes, simply refer them

to an enlargement specialist. It’s all

confidential in the cubicles.

What is less understandable is how

so many men have pens with them in

the jacks in the first place. More puz-

zling still is the appearance of Tip-Ex. It

could be something innocuous like peo-

ple sniffing it, or perhaps there is some-

thing more sinister. It really sounds

more like something a girl would do –

correcting typos in graffiti. Could there

be intruders in our own little world?

Of course there is a third alternative

in explaining all those gooey white

streaks all over the walls of the gents

toilets. The best advice would be not to

touch them at all.

We do of course share some com-

mon ground with those of the female

persuasion, especially when it comes

to criticising D4 trends. One message

near the SU shop read: “D4’s OUT!

Please sign petition if you support this.”

Four names answered the call, includ-

ing the mysterious Daniel Wang. (And

Dave Curran thought he was just a

pretty face!) An indignant

South Dubliner, possibly with

the surname Zoolander,

replied “Why the hate? Is it

because we’re smarter, better

looking and less inbred than

you?” No point wasting modesty

or tact on vandals.

Now of course, for the average

first year there is much to learn in

terms of male graffiti. For exam-

ple, why does the name Pat

Paterson occur so frequently on

the back of cubicle doors? It

seems to me that the most obvi-

ous explanation is that this gentle-

man has been somewhat loose

with his laxatives around other peo-

ple’s food. Are these the cries of his

victims taking what revenge they can?

Who knows?

Whatever the explanation, Mr

Paterson has been linked to allegations

of involvement in both the Northern

Bank raid, the Rossport Five and curi-

ously enough, the assassination of

JFK.

Some defender of his reputation

countered, “Nah, it’s not his style. He’s

more into Jewellery and Diamond

heists”. It seems the alpha males would

rather discuss national politics than the

social problems favoured by the ladies.

The subject matter of the graffiti in

general seems to be more light hearted

than what can be found in the more

sanitary female toilets. Few men seem

inclined to confide their woes in the

walls.

Rather they seek to amuse their suc-

cessors on the throne, discuss topical

issues or vent some wrath. Again, the

poor, beleaguered Arts students suffer

worst from the latter.

A favourite find was the toilet roll dis-

penser marked “Arts Degrees”. Let’s

hope no visiting academics hear

nature’s call and scupper Dr Brady’s

hopes of putting UCD in the top 200

Universities.

On the other hand, another cubicle

had a dispenser with rolls of “Trinity

Degrees”. Good to see old foes united

against the common enemy.

All in all, it appears that the men-folk

of UCD do not take themselves too

seriously when it comes to Toilet Art.

Everyone appreciates that it is a

moment of relief, not a systematic dis-

play of depression and bullying, indeed,

we owe a debt of gratitude to those who

make life a little brighter in our trivial,

e v e r y d a y

lives.

After investigating the make-up of the male psyche, Eoin Martin is relieved to discoverthat in the Gents toilets of UCD, it all boils down to humour, jeering and penis size jokes

Avant–Garde Art in the Gents

VANDAL: THE COLLEGE TRIBUNE CATCHES SOMEONE IN THE ACT

PHOTOS: JOHN WALSH

If one of the defining features ofa good comedian is their abilityto interact with the crowd thenAndrew Maxwell passes thistest with flying colours. For thefirst 20 minutes of his set inAstra Hall last Tuesday night heabandoned any plan he mayhave had.

Instead he engaged people in the

crowd about being in a fight, banter

with one of the security guards called

Christy and ridiculed one of the staff

for looking like a ‘creepy gardener’.

Then, towards the end of his set,

two members of the audience who

had been talking constantly for the

past few minutes interrupted him. He

turned the lights on the offenders,

then forced one of the offenders sit in

front of him so he could ‘keep an eye’

on him.

All this however, only added to the

show, it became an essential part of

the proceedings rather than taking

away from it, in fact his grand

finale consisted of getting a

jockey-back ride from the

Hall from aforemen-

tioned heckling huck-

ster.

“That’s nothing

compared to some

things you get”,

Maxwell told the

College Tribune,

“you’d get proper

threats of violence, you’d

have to vacate a club real-

ly quickly, you’d have to run

to your car.”

Although best known perhaps for

his regular appearances on RTE’s

‘The Panel’ or from being crowned

Channel Four’s King of Comedy last

year, Andrew Maxwell is quite clearly

no stranger to stand up comedy (he

performed at the Edinburgh Festival

this year as well as in 2004, 2001 and

2000).

Although he has a relatively tough

job tonight replacing Ed Byrne, he’s

more than able for it. This is evident in

the fact that uproarious laughter is

heard throughout the Astra Hall all

night.

Originally from Dublin but now living

in London, he admits that he got into

comedy pretty much because he was

a loudmouth. As one of the up and

coming young comedians in Ireland

some years ago he got his first break

in Dublin’s International Bar when

Ardal O’Hanlon was booking it.

“I was 18, I went down and it was

Ardal [O’Hanlon], Dylan Moran, Kevin

Gildea, Barry Murphy, hanging around

and none of us had any money, it was

a tiny place, they would just let any-

body on, they were kind of intrigued by

a slightly rowdy little man.

“They were cool, Ardal has always

been really supportive, same with

Dylan, both those guys not only

helped me start off in the comedy

scene in Dublin but also when I moved

to London they gave me all the num-

bers, all the contacts, accreditations

with the clubs, it really helped me.”

Commenting on the comedy scene

in Ireland today, he says:

“It’s like everything else; it’s bigger,

there’s just more money, there’s more

everything now. It’s enormous; it

seems to be a lot huger. It’s the same

with The Panel, it seems to get bigger

every series.”

Maxwell has become a regular on

The Panel, in which recent events are

discussed in a comical fashion, it has

become one of RTE’s most popular

shows and has gone from strength to

strength with each new series.

He contends that “It’s brilliant, again

it’s a case of me, Dara [O’ Briain],

Colin [Murphy] and Ed [Byrne] all

k n o w i n g

each

other for 10-

12 years. We sit around a table, get

the newspapers out and just bullshit

for hours on end.”

When asked if he thinks he has

replaced Ed Byrne he replies that he

doesn’t believe this to be the case. He

has a lot of respect for the Swords

man “there was a whole load of us,

Aussie, Canadian, Irish, British

comics, we all came to London about

10 years ago when were all about 18-

22, none of us really had any money,

none of us was going anywhere fast,

but Ed was the first one to make it big,

he had enough money to buy a big

house and he let us all live in his

house…I’ve absolutely nothing bad to

say about Ed.”

Today, Ed Byrne has gone on to do

other things such as RTEs ‘Just For

Laughs’, the misjudged sitcom ‘The

Cassidys’ and a feature length film.

One wonders if the media has over-

exposed the comedy scene, with live

DVDs and the programmes on TV.

Maxwell replies,“I don’t know…you

could say that about the music indus-

try, but as long as it’s good and it’s a

funny DVD it will sell, people will like it,

people will want to laugh.”

One of Maxwell’s claims to

fame of course was being

crowned Channel 4 ‘s King of

Comedy in October 2004, a

reality TV show where up and

coming comedians spent a

month together in a Big

Brother style house.

Commenting on the show he

says it was “Very, very weird.

It’s a weird feeling being on

camera constantly, it’s really

alienating and it’s really heavy.”

At the same time though he

never forgot how ridiculous it

was, and he knew that people

like his friends or his son would

be watching,

“Sometimes when everyone

else would be asleep in the after-

noon and it was streaming on E4,

I would just do stuff to amuse my

son cause I knew he was watch-

ing.”

He was initially sceptical about

doing the show but realised it

was a once in a lifetime

opportunity. His opinion of

reality TV is that it’s not

voyeuristic; “It’s a primate

thing, people really like

to watch people in

repose.”

On the subject of

doing another reality

show, he enthuses,“If it

was more dangerous and

for more money, cause after

a while I just found it [King of

Comedy] was kind of boring.”

Having seen Maxwell live and

seen how natural he is and how

easy he relates to the crowd, one

wonders if he does anything to

calm himself down, such as imag-

ining the crowd are naked?

“Ha, no, I’m always just amazed

by it-every time I get on stage.

Beforehand I can be a grumpy

mood, until I actually hit the mic

and I look at the audience and

realize I’m here to talk bollocks!

“I’ve been professionally

booked to talk bollocks! Every

single time I do it, whether it’s a

little intimate club full of arty types, big

student gig, corporate do full of busi-

nessmen, an expat gig, when I do a

gig in the Middle East or whatever, I

think ‘this is amazing’.”

He has travelled quite a bit in his

career, the Edinburgh Festival, of

course, being one of his favourites

“It’s just like coming home for us, it’s

like clown convention, for once we

don’t feel like freaks, we outnumber

the normals!”

Considering he’s done gigs in a

variety of locations and will be travel-

ling more in the future it makes you

wonder what it’s like doing gigs in dif-

ferent places, does he need to change

anything?

“It’s the same you know? Laughter

2.11.05 13FEATURES

is just positive expression of negative

emotion, everybody’s got the same fears

and hopes and neuroses and doubts and

all those things. When you can mess up

is when you take for granted that some-

one may know a cultural reference, that

really goes down badly, people just think

you’re reciting it.”

He goes on to say that whether some-

one thinks what he says may be too

risqué is irrelevant because once it’s

funny “that’s the only rule, and if it isn’t

funny then that in itself becomes funny;

my vulnerability and embarrassment at

having messed up is funny in itself, as

long as you always remember not to take

it seriously.”

Maxwell’s most appealing characteris-

tic is just how down to earth he his, you

get the feeling from his show that he’s

genuinely there to make people laugh

and ultimately, ensure they have a good

time.

Finally Andrew Maxwell, leaves UCD

with a gem of advice for all up and com-

ing comedians and wannabees in UCD:

“If you want to do, do it. I think every-

body’s got the absurd and ridiculous in

them. I’ve seen so many different styles

of comedians at this stage that anybody

can do it if they wanted to, but it takes a

lot of dedication, and you will take a lot of

knocks and you’ll have to learn a lot,

there’s a lot of ego on the line.”

Comedy Socs next gig is Karl Spain

on the 8th of November

Paul O’Donnell steps inside the weird world of comedian Andrew Maxwell andtalks about the perils of reality TV and getting drunk on the set of ‘The Panel’

Laughter to the Max

FUNNY MAN: ANDREW MAXWELL IN A MOMENT OF INTROSPECTION

Sheryl Lynch travels to darkest India and reports on Delhi Belly, Garnier skin products and the disparity between rich and poor in the world’s second largest country

Harry Krishna Money MoneyAmidst the manic money drivenmotorists, hollering stall sellers,chanting holy-men and gauntpining beggars-there I stood.

In the kernel of Mumbai with my

backpack hoisted up on my weary

shoulders I fruitlessly tried to make

sense of a baffling map of the sprawling

abyss of intertwining streets, shanty-

towns and bewildering bizarre's that

accumulate to be what is renowned as

India’s Southern Capital.

Just days before I was due to depart,

my pre-travel bubble was promptly

burst by reports on Sky News of people

up to their neck in water in the exact

region I was supposed to be flying in to.

Despite this I arrived on dry, yet dis-

turbingly dirty post-flood land. When I

tell people that I was in a daze for most

of the trip I immediately get an assum-

ing grin that’s loading with an ‘I know

what you were up to’ jest.

I must say that the lethargic rapture

in question was more due to jetlag and

dehydration than some kind of epitome

realisation of space and time in the trip-

out capital of the world. Regardless of

how wrecked I was I knew that a) I

needed a shower and b) I needed a

bed.

We found the latter in, what can only

be described as a less than favourable

state which involved a low pressure

trickle of cold water and a sudden real-

isation that the shower I had before I

departed was the best one I was going

to have in a very long time. My comrade

and I then set out to explore the city.

We haggled taxi drivers, shopkeep-

ers, market dealers and hoteliers in an

effort to avoid getting ripped off, but still

did. We kept one left hand under the

table so we wouldn’t eat with it (Indians

consider the use of this hand to be

exclusive to wiping their bum, thus see

it as pretty rude to shake hands or eat

with it) yet, we still did.

When we got to our destination, Goa,

we took precautions to avoid burning

but still did and we chose wisely from

the menus to evade any form of Delhi

Belly, but still got it-both ways.

In short there was no escaping real

raw India, there were no comforts from

home like what many other traveling

options provide you with. Once you are

there, it’s impossible for its culture not

to sweep you along its chaotic colourful

scary little river until you learn to swim

along with it and give in to the mad-

ness.

The only time you could climb up on

the banks for a breather was if you

booked yourself into a fancy hotel,

which was better for your belly but not

for your noggin. They were full of mid-

dle and upper class Indians that would

put our D4 girls to shame. There is no

escaping the harsh realities of India

because they are literally thrown in your

face.

For example we visited a Super

Shopping Mall in India’s most cosmo-

politan city Bangalore, it was like walk-

ing into Brown Thomas with its clinical

white lights and spotless glass counters

peppered with everything from Gucci to

Jean-Paul Gautier.

Of course India being the ‘Land of

Contrasts’ it is full of contradictions and

irony and just minutes after leaving this

opulent consumer haven we saw seven

excommunicated lepers struggling to

cross one of the many bustling

Bangalore junctions.

The common conception is that India

is poor, full stop. We compare their

poverty to what we have here, slapping

our white western wrists with superficial

token guilt, remaining completely igno-

rant to the fact that ‘these third world

counties’ actually posses an incredibly

rich strata of society.

These people are signing some of

the most important contracts on the

stage of International affairs today. If

you look further east at China, no one

anticipated their frighteningly rapid

climb to both economic and political

success.

It is important to bear in mind that

these countries have and are experi-

encing hell on earth like nothing the

majority of our generation has ever

seen. There are tiny little toddlers living

under bridges with their desolate opium

entranced parents screaming cries of

hunger that haunt all who hear them.

There are things going on in India

and China and many other countries

that are incomprehensibly unjust and

the politicians and powerful business-

men with the oil monopoly of the future

carry this devastation within them.

They carry this hate, this sadness,

and this bitterness right through the

bloodline of their nations. This results in

aggressive politics. Absolute belief in ‘if

you can have it, so can I.’ If Americans

and Europeans can have two cars and

a college education, why can’t we?

This feeling is so prominent in India.

They cannot wait to be western. Even

their famous Bollywood movies are

copies of the Hollywood genre. The

people with money have cast aside

their true native music and dance and

contaminated it with accessible junk-

pop Bhangra beat tripe in order to sell

more, earn more and I quote an Indian

Military enrolment poster, ‘live the

dream’.

Looking at the advertisements over

there was a worrying experience.

There’s a select few of about four peo-

ple that are in all of the Bollywood

movies and were constantly thrown in

your face on every billboard in the

nation. They were on everything from

ads for Pepsi and Lays crisps to life

assurance plans.

They were the role model men and

women of India and your average

Indian guy genuinely believed that this

one particular corporate face was the

ideal Indian man-he was perfect in

every way. His face was on everything,

stationary, food-he could do everything.

I couldn’t help thinking of the Hitler and

Stalin propaganda films I saw when I

was in school.

The national elections were on when

I was in Bangalore and I could nearly

bet on it that if one of these celebrity

faces were to go up for election, your

average man would vote for him.

Terrifyingly fanatic.

Another thing that really surprised

me about India was its caste-system. I

was under the impression that by and

large racism and skin colour discrimina-

tion was a black and white thing. I was

wrong. In India the darker your skin is

the lower you are on the social ladder.

In fact up until the 1950s the darkest

of the Indians, the Paravans had to

walk backwards with a sweeping brush

to sweep away their footprints so that

the higher classes of Indians did not

have to walk in ‘untouchable’ footprints.

Indian people remain very conscious of

this caste-system and it is still very evi-

dent in every day life.

We came across a whole range of

Garnier skin care products, skin light-

ening cream including. This is the same

stuff that was banned in America after

the civil war because too many African

Americans were using it to look more

Anglo-American. I just couldn’t believe

it; I remembered that the Bollywood

actors were practically white in compar-

ison to your everyday Indian walking in

the street. They were the elite.

Although I couldn’t help having a little

giggle because when you think of it- we

spend millions a year on sun holidays

and fake tan products so that we can

look darker and those who naturally

look like that spend money trying to

look like us.

Being such a spiritual country it’s

hard to go anywhere without being ush-

ered into to some sacred shrine or

another. What struck me was that even

the high priests were looking for money

off you, you ended up giving money to

the man who watches your shoes whilst

you enter the temple, then more for the

maintenance of the building and then

another few bob to the priest.

Obviously it’s a small price to pay for

experiencing something so rare but it

almost felt like they were exploiting

their ancient sacred beliefs for material-

istic gain. Standing there thinking of

how the far off muffled chant of Harry

Krishna was being obscured by the

new addition to the percussion: a wood-

en box with some coins in it shaking to

the rhythm of the infamous tune. The

words ‘Harry Krishna Money Money

flowed into my head.

As a whole, my experience of India

was an amazing one, I saw some of the

most beautiful and some of the most

ugly things I have ever seen. There

were many superficial aspects to the

culture but that made finding the rea

authentic traditions all the more special

If you look closely at the poverty in

India you cannot really blame them for

being so money orientated, as Oscar

Wilde said: ‘Nobody thinks more about

money than the poor.’

2.11.0514 TRAVEL

INDIA: OPULENT GOA (ABOVE) AND A LEPER (BELOW). THE DISPARITY OF INDIAN SOCIETY

PHOTO: FILE

“There are tiny little toddlers living under bridges with their desolate opium entranced parents screaming cries of hunger that haunt all who hear them

Saving money is usuallyalways a good idea for thebackpacker when travel-ling. But it can cause prob-lems when it means youmiss out. By the time I leftChina, I was beginning toregret the Ryanair flight Ihad booked on the inter-net.

It flew from Finland in less

than two weeks and the dead-

line was severely restricting

what I could see. The worst part

was that I knew I had only cho-

sen the early date to save a ten-

ner. The Trans-Siberian takes

six days alone so I would now

have to rush back to Europe

spending one day at most in

each city visited.

So, like one of our naïve

transatlantic visitors avidly doing

Yurp in a fortnight, it seemed

vital for me to see as much as

was possible in the short time I

had. In Mongolia, a vast coun-

try, this was only around three

days. My experience there duly

turned out to be about as atypi-

cal as is possible, the main rea-

son being my impromptu guide.

Ilie wasn’t your average

Mongolian. Your average

Mongolian does not drive a

brand new Landcruiser for

example. He also usually does

not speak German, help run a

multinational livestock business,

own 120 horses or rowdily clink

mugs of straight vodka with

impressionable young travellers

on the morning train into Ulaan

Batar.

But, true to form, I had some-

how managed to lose my hos-

tel’s details and, my Mongolian

not being the best, Ilie was all

that stood between myself and

the band of howling taxi drivers

at the station gates upon arrival.

He’d promised to negotiate a

good price in a taxi to the

Russian border for me. But

somehow I soon found myself

hungrily accepting his offer of

breakfast. It was an overcast

morning and the streets were

damp, full and noisy. We

dodged the brown water splash-

ing up from the potholes that

dotted the tarmac as we walked.

Ilie told me he was born in a

‘ger’, a traditional, white, circu-

lar, nomadic tent, but now lived

in the city like many younger

people. When we reached his

flat it was modest from the out-

side, but neat and modern

inside.

When we entered, he heated

some breakfast in the

microwave and motioned to the

bathroom. My first shower in

days was welcome, the first

non-squat toilet in weeks even

more so. Then we ate, chasing

the steaming beef noodles with

progressively louder vodka

toasts.

“Drink to Mongolia! Drink to

Ireland!” We were both eager to

talk but anything apart from the

basics was problematic. Ilie’s

method of speech was to liberal-

ly mix his barked German with

Mongolian and very occasional

English. Increasingly, as the

vodka flowed and he proudly

showed a picture of his preg-

nant wife alongside many of the

‘geficht frau’ he had met last

year in Dusseldorf, actions

spoke louder than words.

From what I could gather, he

was the son of a wealthy busi-

nessman, often worked abroad

and held a strong contempt for

the Chinese. “They take our

land!” he repeated, going on to

clear the confusing difference

between the two Mongolias in

my mind.

While Inner Mongolia contin-

ues to reside within China,

Outer Mongolia is fully inde-

pendent. It used to be a Soviet

republic and a Russian influ-

ence is still visible. This can be

seen in the drab Ladas stopped

at every junction, in what were

once red stars icons now paint-

ed bottle green on the angular

public buildings as well as in

people’s attitudes.

There is marked pro-Moscow,

anti-Beijing sentiment. Russia

appears as protector against the

Chinese aggressor, a type of

sibling. Even the beautifully

elongated Mongolian script is

seen rarely now, widely aban-

doned in favour of the Russian

alphabet.

By mid-morning, our explo-

ration of imported Russian

drinking culture continued. Ilie

had ordered an evacuation of

the flat. His wife was on her way

home from the night shift and

we were in no mood for polite

introductions. Instead, we stum-

bled to the city centre. The skies

had cleared now, but our heads

were less fortunate.

My capacity for consuming

copious amounts of alcohol

before lunch obviously didn’t

live up to what Ilie had expected

of a good Irishman. “You are

schwach!” I didn’t understand or

disagree.

But the cursed Ryanair flight

loomed large in my mind so I

slurringly insisted my need to

reach the Russian border before

sunset. My generous host nod-

ded but wouldn’t let me go just

yet. So I was dragged protesting

into an Irish bar on the main

square for more toasts, this time

of farewell.

I survived. And within an hour

found myself with my spinning

head out of a taxi window,

rolling past rotund emerald hills

untouched by fences, houses or

anything at all. Strangely, the

lush emptiness reminded me of

back home in Wicklow.

Mongolia is truly a wilder-

ness; our narrow road being the

only complete hard surfaced

north-south route. Very occa-

sionally small collections of

white gers could be seen with

men on horseback riding near-

by.

They were often encircled by

herds of brown ponies. It was

amazing to think that these

same animals were key to the

victories of Genghis Khan when

he ruled the earth a thousand

years ago.

Then the Mongolian Empire

stretched east to Korea and the

Sea of Japan and west across

Central Asia and Persia, into

the Middle East and through the

gates of Europe. Today, so

common are these short-legged

medieval military units that you

can pick one up in the central

market for under $100.

I resisted the temptation, opt-

ing instead for a bizarre tape of

Mongolian hip-hop and some

traditional pork dumplings that I

bought at a roadside stall and

shared with my driver.

Grinning and showing the

solid white layer of pork fat

between his teeth, he helpfully

pointed out signs as we drove.

They were written in English

and pointed the way to

mines off the road to the

east.

The government is

desperate for invest-

ment and offers tax-free

business to any foreign

firm that exploits the

country’s rich mineral

reserves. But I couldn’t

stop to sightsee. So we

pressed on, scattering

the butterflies who con-

stantly came to rest on

the heat of the road in

front of us, eventually

reaching the border in

around five hours.

Living in the EU, I

had forgotten that land

borders elsewhere are

real divides with real

soldiers and real guns.

Frontiers like this are

not skipped with ease.

Instead, an empty

stretch of barbed wire-

covered no man’s land

divides state from state.

The border guards

weren’t used to people trying to

walk across this area on foot.

When they laughed at my

attempt I didn’t see the joke.

The border closed within min-

utes and my taxi driver, having

demanded a ridiculous amount

of dollars to take me across, had

stranded me.

But never underestimate the

power of the hitchhiking thumb.

The last vehicle to be let under

the barrier that day was a bus

full of evangelical Russian

Christians returning from a con-

ference in Mongolia. Thankfully

the driver, a comic reincarnation

of Karl Marx, took mercy.

He winked me into the last

remaining seat, and then

beamed in the mirror from under

his hefty beard as I was

attacked by gifts of welcome

and friendly questions from

those around me. The sky was

full of darting fork-tailed swal-

lows as we crossed into mother

Russia.

Not for the first or last time on

my trip, the ludicrous generosity

of strangers confounded all

expectations.

The Office of the Director of Access, in

conjunction with the Ireland Funds

and the Kathleen Rooney Miller

Foundation, is pleased to offer two

new competitive scholarship opportu-

nities for Mature Students* at UCD.

The first scholarship will embrace fully registered

Mature Students engaged in Full Time Degree pro-

grammes at UCD for 2005/2006 who are studying

toward their primary undergraduate degree. This com-

petitive scholarship will offer a limited number of

Mature Students, who are in receipt of or economically

eligible for a Local Authority /VEC grant, €1000 Euro

per annum for a maximum of three years.

UCD Mature Student

The second scholarship will embrace fully registered

Part-Time BA Evening Degree Mature Students studying

toward their first undergraduate degree. This competitive

scholarship will offer a limited number of Part-Time BA Evening

Degree Mature Students, who are up-to-date on Tuition Fee Payments and on limited income,

€500 Euro on a one-time basis.

Undergraduate Scholarships

Application for these scholarships can be made

through the Mature Student Adviser’s Office,

D207, Newman Building, UCD; Telephone

7168245 or email ronan.murphy@ucd.ie

Deadline for receipt of fully completed applications and requisite financial docu-

ments is 21st November 2005.

*Mature Students are those students who were at least 23 years of age on 1st

January of their year of entry to UCD

2.11.05 15TRAVEL

A YAK: THERE’S LOADS OF THEM IN MONGOLIA

“Drink to Mongolia! Drink to Ireland”Like Gengkis Khan, Derry Nairn, lays waste to Mongolia as only an Irish back-packer can and finds himself confounded by a distinctly Irish style of hospitality

Simon Fowler, chief writer andlead singer for Ocean ColourScene, is an exceptionally laidback person. At certain pointshe sounds so serene it seemslikely he is in danger of fallingasleep on the phone.

Theirs is a funny kind of fame. With

their distinct lack of any particular

image and music that harkens back to

the days of Mod rock and old R n’B,

they have always done their own thing.

This is the reason that, for the last ten

years, they have remained on the out-

skirts of popular culture.

He is enthusiastic about playing

Ireland. “One of the best gigs I’ve ever

had in my life was with Oscar, the first

night of the ‘Roisin Dubh’ in Galway. It’s

one of the best acoustic clubs in the

world, the only problem with it is you

have to have a piss in the canal and

your changing room is where the beer

barrels are.

“Wonderful. Also I remember the first

night we played in Dublin. They got a

big screen up showing Ireland playing,

I think it may have been

Switzerland…anyway you were win-

ning 1-0 and five minutes before the

end they scored two bloody goals!

“So me and Oscar were going out,

and this was the warm-up act! So we

walk out thinking ‘oh my God’. And the

crowd, it was like a football crowd, they

just went mental. Incredible.”

OCS formed in 1989 out of the rem-

nants of two other bands. Encountering

problems early on with the recording of

their first album, they were subsequent-

ly banned from playing live thanks to a

dispute over performance rights with

Phonogram.

On the dole and writing songs prodi-

giously, saviour came from a friendship

with ex-Jam front-man Paul Weller.

Guitarist Steve Cradock got a place on

his touring band, giving them the

opportunity to raise some much needed

capital to record a demo.

This demo then influenced Noel

Gallagher’s decision to invite them on

tour with Oasis as support act in 1995.

This was the break they needed and

they signed to MCA as soon as they got

home.

Fowler describes his first encounter

with the pre-famous Oasis. “I met

Noel…in the hotel after the Paul Weller

video shoot in Oxford for ‘All Hung

Up’…We got chatting, I’d heard of

Oasis, they were just bubbling under

and he said ‘we’re going on tour, we’re

playing in Birmingham’…

“So we went along and saw them

and I went back to the hotel with Noel

and Liam afterwards and it was just

Noel and Liam and they were exactly

the same then it was hilarious.

“I had to split up a fight between

them, I was probably told to ‘FUCK

OFF’!…It’s not an act, this was before

they were famous they are exactly [the

same]…they’re far smarter than people

try and make out. Very funny as well,

great company, yeah great mates.”

In 1996, following the highly suc-

cessful single ‘Riverboat Song’, OCS

released their second album ‘Moseley

Shoals’. It went straight to number two

and stayed there. Fowler is keen to

point out that they didn’t originate in a

‘Britpop’ scene. He is also puzzled by

the ambiguity of the term, neither tem-

poral nor stylistic.

“No, I can’t remember when the term

came around really. I think it was after-

wards. The seeds of it really were

about ’93, ’94…by the time ‘Riverboat’

came out we’d been together seven

years. So we didn’t really consider our-

selves a part of a movement at that

point cos’ we’d sort of become our-

selves.

“I don’t think we saw ourselves as a

pop band for a start but then I don’t

think Oasis did either…the sort of sen-

sibilities were not what we were about.”

Despite this, he laughingly points out

one parallel he would draw between

what they were doing and what was

going on at the time. “Well we did make

crap videos as well.”

However, over the next three

albums, their relationship with MCA

began to disintegrate, culminating in a

termination in their contract. Fowler is

doubtful when asked about a che-

quered history with labels and how it

might give him a sceptical view of an

industry solely concerned with hits, not

creativity.

“…I wouldn’t say we’ve got a history

more than any other group, I mean that

[Phonogram incident] was spectacular

but after that, not really.

“We’ve just moved with record labels

as [they] basically shed all the people

that signed you up…It is what it is you

know, you learn through

experience…it’s nothing in comparison

to what happened to a lot of the groups

in the late ‘60’s who you’d think would

be living in castles when they’re living

in Bethnal Green.”

After MCA, OCS signed to Sanctuary

with whom they released 2003’s ‘North

Atlantic Drift’ and this years

‘Hyperactive Workout for the Flying

Squad’. Both signalling an exploration

of the diverse sounds these seasoned

musicians are now capable of.

The last year was one of new begin-

nings for many reasons but mainly

because Damon Minchella, bassist and

long-time friend recently departed amid

talk of internal disagreements and legal

wrangling.

It is on this subject that Fowler shows

a less than jovial mood, information is

not forthcoming. Asked if they parted

on amicable terms he replies quietly,

“no, no, no.

“It’s a long and tedious story. It all

happened in Ireland actually, on the

way back after a gig in Castlebar. I

can’t remember where we were going

to but the following night we played,

Damon had left. Sad story.”

OCS continue nonetheless, they

have now recruited two new members

in order to flesh out their sound.

Allegedly, the idea to recruit these

acquaintances came to Steve in a

dream.

“He’s since said that that didn’t hap-

pen but both of us got memories like

goldfish so the truth is probably some-

where in the middle. Yeah I remember

him saying that he’d had this dream

and that was the line-up and I said ‘oh

alright then’ so that’s what we did.

“The initial plan was to get Mani

[Stone Roses/Primal Scream] to play

with us…and then we remembered

Mani was actually in a group…then

Steve had this dream. They’re very

much part of the group, we’ve known

Andy the guitar player since he was

ten.

“[He] used to come down in his

school uniform and Steve taught him to

play guitar. [He] got up his own group.

We used to go down to see them in the

boozer when they were like sixteen,

seventeen and he’s now twenty-six and

he’s in the group…

“And Dan the bass player, his sister

is married to my brother, so I guess

we’re sort of family and we have family

Christmases and Dan and I are carous-

ing til’ two o’clock singing Beatles, Neil

Young and Dylan and realising at that

point of the evening we only know the

words for the first verse.”

As the principle creative force behind

the band, Fowler doesn’t, when dis-

cussing his craft, speak with the same

self-indulgent pretension of inner depth

and pain that we have come to expect

from songwriters today. He is delightful-

ly straightforward and matter of fact

about it whilst remaining sincere.

“I write a large portion of the songs

on acoustic guitar then take it to the

others and make it sound like Ocean

Colour Scene.” And what about a mes-

sage, does he ever try to communicate

anything to his audience. For instance,

‘Profit in Peace’ was a semi-political

song about anti-violence.

“Whatever message that happens is

just what I thought at the time…We’re

not a message band…[for ‘Profit in

Peace’] I just sat down in the garden

and just wrote the words…picked up

the guitar and sang the song. Right

pub. That’s a good days work done and

it only took about fifteen minutes.”

On the topic of journalism and the

‘importance’ of such trivialities and per-

sonal facts, he doesn’t appear to har-

bour any kind of grudges. His laid back

attitude once again speaking volumes,

this man just couldn’t care less.

On the other hand, he is appalled at

the recent ‘shock revelation’ in the

mass-media regarding Kate Moss’s

use of cocaine. “Well I thought it was

disgraceful. I thought that she was

stitched up like a kipper and unfortu-

nately it’s cost her a lot. Quite frankly I

have never been to a studio in London

OCEAN COLOUR SCENE: HAVING THE BANTER

Awash with character 2.11.0516 THE HEADLINER: OCEAN COLOUR SCENE

Ronan Dempsey talks to Ocean Colour Scene legend SimonFowler about breaking up a fight between the Gallagher Brothers,

Gary Glitter in an Oxygen mask and legalising drugs.

““I had to split up a fight betweenthem, I was probably told to ‘FUCKOFF’!…It’s not an act, this was before they were famous

2.11.05 17THE HEADLINER: OCEAN COLOUR SCENE

where that isn’t happening.”

It is talking about the ‘rock’ lifestyle

that Fowler becomes most animated

and opinionated. Asked whether

they’ve indulged over the years, Fowler

replies emphatically, then diplomatical-

ly, “Oh absolutely yeah. Oh Christ

yeah…we’re well groomed in enjoying

ourselves after spending four years on

the dole…What’s green and gets you

high? A gyro.”

“By the time we got down to London,

I remember the launch of ‘Moseley…’

was in some London night-club and,

coming from Birmingham, we’d never

seen cocaine.

“Then we went down to London. You

went for a piss and it was like a sanato-

rium in the toilets. You’d always have

two people coming out of the cubicles,

‘what the fuck’s going on here?’

“I’m pro-legalising all drugs. I would

base it on the fact that: one, freedom of

choice, two, them being illegal hasn’t

made them not used has it? It just puts

them into the hands of the underworld.”

He is an entertaining and good

humoured interviewee, quick to offer

stories from his vast experience on the

road with the band. “we were touring

the States with them when they were

doing ‘Quadrophenia’…other people

sing parts and Billy Idol was involved as

was Gary Glitter who ran around back-

stage shouting ‘FUCK OFF’ wearing an

oxygen mask. [He’s] absolutely

insane…It was straight out of Blue

Velvet.”

So what’s next for Ocean Colour

Scene? “Well we’ve got a little tour

before Christmas, we’re playing Dublin.

Then we’re gonna do a live album…

With sixteen years behind them as a

relatively successful band, they are

financially secure enough to leave the

world of contracts and record compa-

nies behind and release their own

material. This is an ideal situation for a

band and conducive to creativity.

“You know there’s no way you

should fall into the fashion as well cos’

if you release a record in September

you’re part of the Autumn collection

and come the New Year they’re gonna

want the Spring collection aren’t they?

So inevitably you’ll be out of fashion,

that’s how that works…”

Speaking to Fowler it is clear that

OCS are a band that have emerged

from the music industry unscathed,

without ever compromising their per-

sonalities or their music. Most of all,

however, it is evident that they have

emerged from a ruthless world of fads

and fashions with their common sense

soundly intact.

“Gary Glitter who ran around backstageshouting ‘FUCK OFF’ wearing an oxygenmask. [He’s] absolutely insane…It wasstraight out of Blue Velvet.”

JOSE MOURINHOForget about those pretty players onthe pitch, our eyes are glued to thedelicious Chelsea manager. ThosePortugese brooding looks, dishev-elled hair and loosened tie, ladiesthis is one seriously hot older man .

THE BEATNIK LOOKFrom 60s style skinny stripy scarves tosmouldering eye, pale matte lips andcreamy skin we’re loving this retrolook.

SKINNY SEQUINEDSCARVESLast year’s sequin scarf runaway suc-cess is back for a second innings.This time round, however, it hasshrunk. Wear with vest or blazer inthe daytime or flapper style dressand rock chick hair at night.

BOHO CHICIt is just time to let go. The fashionmoment is gone; even Sienna is loos-ing her sheen.

‘DESIGNER’ WELLIESOne word- vile. However practicalthey may be, just say no.

POSH’S WARDROBEThis woman’s style reeks of a lack ofspontaneity. Everything is copieddirectly from the catwalk or fromcelebs. Loosen up and stop trying sohard!

BAG it

BIN it

Stylists:Emily SheerinKate WhelanEmily Parkes

Outfit Number OneNavy Jumper: €39.95White T-Shirt: €7.95Jeans: €49.95All available at Pull & Bear

Outfit Number TwoBlazer/Hoody Jacket: €150.00White Playboy T-Shirt: €35.00Jeans: €90.00All available at Club Denim

Outfit Number ThreePink Shirt: €36.00Green jumper: €29.00Black Trousers: €44.00All available at Next

Outfit Number FourBlack Suit: €130.00White Shirt: €26.00Pink Tie: €14.00All available at Next

Outfit Number FiveStripped Jumper: €39.00Brown Jacket: €102.00All available at Next

12

3

5

4

“I'd probably give it a go. I'dgive everything a go”Tom Vek Interview Page 22

“I wasn’t the only one whoDiageo were worried about.” Ruds World Page 24

DISTRACTIONSFASHION 18 FILM 19 MUSIC 18 FILM 21 REGULARS 24 THE TURBINE 26

Nearly three decades ago, in asmall movie house in the USA, amember of the preview audienceof 'Alien' screams, feet awayfrom a grinning Ridley Scott.

On the giant canvas screen in front

of them, a small alien, not much bigger

than a fist has just burst out of the chest

of John Hurt, whose character writhes

about in pain, his blood spattered on

the faces of his space-colleagues.

The expressions on the faces of the

other actors onscreen match the horror

and shock of those in the audience.

This is one of the most famous scenes

in cinema history and it belongs to the

first of the 'Alien' movies in the saga, a

saga, which has spawned many copy-

cat movies and 2004's terrible 'Alien vs.

Predator', since it first hit the screens in

1979.

The movies chronicle the life and

death of Lieutenant Ellen Ripley, who

suffers like all great characters in great

horror movies should. Her fellow work-

mates and everybody she ever makes

a connection with are killed.

She is ridiculed and used by the

company she works for and crash-

es into a lice-ridden prison planet

where she destroys herself

before being brought back in

the form of an

alien/human/android hybrid

some 200 years later.

All of this resulting from

one fist sized alien and some

treacherous workmates.

Who wouldn't hold a grudge?

Alien, the first in the trilogy

first hit cinemas in 1979 after

many years of problems for creators

and writers Dan O'Bannon and Ronald

Shusett. Ridley Scott took a huge leap

from directing commercials in England

to Alien, his first feature film.

This is by far the best of the three

with its eerie gothic settings and tense,

suspenseful deaths. The excellent

script is brought to life by the brilliant

acting skills of the cast, including

Sigourney Weaver (Ripley), Tom

Sherrit, and Ian Holm.

Weaver is particularly impressive in

her first major film role. While there

may be a few dodgy moments (particu-

larly when the alien is obviously a

seven foot guy in a suit), if you missed

out on seeing this movie when it was

re-released at Halloween 3 years ago,

go to the nearest video store and rent

or buy a copy now.

Not until 1986 was the next install-

ment of Ripley vs. the Aliens released.

'Aliens', note the 's', takes a small step

away from the horror genre and falls

into the arms of soldiers, explosions

and action lover, James "I'm the king of

the world" Cameron.

Staying true, essentially to its prede-

cessor, with a few more aliens and

guns thrown in for good measure,

Ripley continues to try and thwart the

aliens in their attempt to destroy every-

thing that breathes in the off-earth

colony of LV-426.

However, it becomes clearer to her

that everything she could ever love is

going to be destroyed by the aliens, as

the body count increases.

This is a very enjoyable movie as

long as you steer clear of the directors

cut, which adds about ten minutes

more of irrelevant military references,

and stick to the original.

'Fight Clubs' David Fincher stepped

up to direct the 3rd movie, 'Alien 3'. Set

on the prison planet, this is the second

best movie of them all, though it might

take a few viewings to admit this. One

of the darkest Alien movies, the last few

scenes in particular, as Ripley enter-

tains the idea of suicide to help her in

her battle against her enemies.

'Alien Resurrection' is set almost two

centuries later and clearly left the writ-

ers with the problem of how to bring

Ripley back to us once more. They

seemed to have come to the conclu-

sion that the best way to overcome this

problem was to mash her into every

form possible.

Ripley is now an

android/human/alien hybrid. Sticking

with the tradition of hiring good direc-

tors, 'Amelies' Jean-Pierre Jeunet was

brought in to conclude the quadripar-

tite.

Returning to the Cameron-esque

movie making formula, Jeunet brought

in lots more guns and bad guys, quick-

ly replacing the military with smugglers

and introducing a new alien in to the

mix. Body count remains high at all

times.

With four great directors, lots of

death, great acting and taglines such

as 'In space nobody can hear you

scream' and 'the bitch is back', the

Alien movies have fast become a

favourite with sci-fi and horror fans

around the globe. If you haven’t seen

any of them, maybe now is a good time

to start adding the DVD box set to your

Christmas wish list.

2.11.05 19FILM

One of the great debates of our day,

is how the name Hermione is cor-

rectly pronounced. Many maintain

that it’s pronounced ‘Her-Me-On’,

despite the fact that the correct pro-

nunciation is apparently ‘Her-My-

Nee’.

A trivial matter perhaps, but there-in

lies the reason why the old adage, ‘the

book is always better than the film’,

holds true.

You see, your contributor once knew

a girl with the aforementioned name, he

watched her eventful transition through

adolescents and held his breath as she

struggled with the unusual challenges

one faces in Hogwarts School of

Witchcraft and Wizardry.

She is in fact a central character in

the Harry Potter series of stories, and

for many blissful years before the first

movie was released her name was

largely mispronounced.

When you read a book, a film is cre-

ated in your head with images more

vivid, and characters more real than a

movie can ever give you. This is partly

because your interaction with a story

you read is far more intimate and direct

than a story you see on screen.

Also, the sheer bulk of most books

will mean they will usually have more

depth, at least, than their big-screen

counterparts.

Like the Hermione (you read Her-

Me-On didn’t you) debacle, with books,

certain choices are left up to the read-

er, although admittedly names are usu-

ally left up to the author. You, through

your choices of interpretation, create a

tale that will be unique to you in some

way, where a movie is as you see it,

just black and white.

Again, just like Potter’s big screen

adventures burst the lovely bubble

thousands had created for themselves,

film adaptations of books can actually

take away from the original work.

The inevitable example is Tolkien’s

Lord of the Rings. To be fair, the films

were good, but despite that they rein-

force the fact that any retelling of a

story you already know, will inevitably

distort the original.

Their relative inferiority aside, adap-

tations of books have served

Hollywood well over the years, and

they will continue to do so. The four

most recent winners of the academy

award for best film have originated in

print form.

The success of these movies doesn’t

seem to sit well with the theory that

books are superior, but in reality the

two things need not conflict. Films can

be good. They just can’t be better.

Movie producers continue to turn to

our authors for inspiration because, in

books, they can find exactly what they

are looking for, a good story, ready-

made and ripe for exploitation. All these

moguls have to do is convert the medi-

um through which it is presented. But

are these writers selling themselves to

Hollywood to the detriment of their

artistry?

In some cases there is no danger of

this, namely, when the author isn’t

exactly setting the world alight anyway.

Take Alexander Garland’s ‘The Beach’

for example, it’s a unique and interest-

ing story but in a literary sense it’s unin-

spired. Garland has nothing to lose by

getting a few dollars and a bit of recog-

nition by selling his movie rights to

Hollywood.

However, in the case of authors who

want to be taken seriously in their pro-

fession, caution is advisable where film

adaptations of their works are con-

cerned. The Harry Potter movies have,

to some extent at least, diminished the

credibility of the books and their author.

JK Rowling is now seen more as a

Mary Poppins figure than what in fact

she is, an intelligent intellectual writer.

The old question of whether a can

film ever out-do its printed

original is an obviously

subjective topic. However,

on a critical level, to say

that examples of films,

which are actually better

than the book are limited,

would be being generous

to movie-makers.

A Beautiful Mind was one of those

films, which recently picked up the

Oscar for best film, it would generally

be regarded as a good movie. Better

perhaps, and certainly more entertain-

ing, than Sylvia Nasar’s biography of

the brilliant but ill-fated mathematician,

John Nash, on which the film is based.

However, the films superiority results

from a refining of the content of Nasar’s

book, which turns out to be a

tedious history of twentieth century

mathematics rather than any one man’s

biography.

Films have the luxury, because they

can’t tell the whole story, to pick and

choose what they do show. In the end,

films, which appear to be superior, it

turns out, are often just telling a differ-

ent story.

HARRY POTTER: GOOD BUT NOT IN OUR TOP SIX

Barra Ò Fianail examines one of the great connundrums of our day, the adaptations of books to film, and encounters a shocking and startling revelation

Throwing the book at film

SIXBESTOF THE

BOOK TO FILM ADAPTIONS

An atmospheric, claustrophobic, slow moving, creep- fest. Roisin Jones reviews the Alien Film Series.

Greatest sci-fi horror of all time!

The Godfather TrilogyThe Shawshank RedemptionSilence of the LambsRemains of the DayTrainspottingOne Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Seven out of control kids, onemagical nanny, put themtogether and what do you get?A complete waste of an hourand a half.

To summarize; Emma Thompson

stars as Nanny McPhee, an ‘ asthet-

ically challenged’, but magic child

minder called in by a distressed

Colin Firth (as bland and sexually

ambiguous as ever) to control his

unruly kidswhile he goes off on a

wife hunt.

A pretty foolproof story, one might

think, seeing as it’s impossible to live

through a Christmas without the sim-

ilarly-plotted Mary Poppins being

aired repeatedly on RTE. Alas, not

even a spoonful of sugar would have

made this pitiful excuse for entertain-

ment go down easier.

The film starts off promisingly

enough, and not without a hint of

Lemony Snickett, as we see the for-

midable Nanny McPhee casting a

spell that very nearly results in her

hell-raising charges catapulting their

own baby sister into a vat of boil-

ing water.

Unfortunately, this dark humour is

soon abandoned in favour of some

very twee sentimentality as Nanny

McPhee teaches the children some

oh-so-important life lessons, such as

getting up on time and doing what

you're told (Freshers - watch and

learn).

Indeed, any and all entertainment

value this film possesses must be

credited to the incredibly camped up

performances of the older cast mem-

bers.

Imelda Staunton shines as the

neurotic Cook, who longs to be back

cooking for the armed forces, where

"the gruel ponged, but sure,'twas the

pong of conquerors".

Angela Lansbury's cameo as a

horrid aunt who tries to take one of

the children away is suitably malign.

However, these performances are

severely let down by that of Firth and

his romantic interest, played by Kelly

McDonald, who deserves an award

merely for her ability to convey less

facial expressions than her co-star.

It is doubtful that this film will

become traditional Yuletide viewing,

but then again, as one viewer point-

ed out, "It had incest and a dancing

donkey, what more could you want

from a film?"

Indeed.

• ROB MCDERMOTT

Set in the vibrancy of CentralAfrica, 'The Constant Gardener'is a tale of love, betrayal andcorruption.

The story is told in a series of emo-

tional flashbacks as Justin Qualye

(Ralph Fiennes) is forced to unravel the

conspiracy behind his wife Tessa's

murder, which takes place in the first

scene.

Tessa (Rachel Weisz),a strong-

willed and passionate activist for AIDS

awareness in Africa, embarks on a cru-

sade to put pressure on a drug compa-

ny that holds a monopoly over the sale

of disease treatments.

As the wife of a subtle diplomat, she

raises alarms within the British High

Commission, as she demands answers

for the illegality and immorality, which

exists in the domestic policy of the

country.

The web of conspiracy embedded in

the story, highlights the complex rela-

tionship between the United Nations,

International Diplomacy and local gov-

ernments, which do not always wel-

come the foreign presence.

In a world where spies trace every

move of a proactive white woman in

Kenya, Tess' struggle for truth leaves

her at the mercy of the culprits. As her

husband strives for justice, he unknow-

ingly untangles a web of deceit, adul-

tery and betrayal from friends and ene-

mies alike.

His investigation leads him

through the dangerous terrain of

deepest Africa and Europe under

many guises, with the help of the

only two people he can trust.

Director, Fernando Meirelles of

City of God fame, effectively uses

the vivacious backdrop of remote

Africa to tell the story.

Scenes of bustling market places

and beautiful images of safari are

employed in his long frames, creating

nostalgia and mystique.

African drumming, pipes and tradi-

tional verse are not confined to the

background but embody a life of their

own.

'The Constant Gardener' is a fasci-

nating story, which has been adapted

to film, from John Le Carre's novel, with

much success. Fiennes and Weisz play

convincing lead roles and the many

supporting actors, such as Bill Nighty,

maintain the high standard of acting

throughout the film.

While at times, Justin's immense

patience in the face of his suffering may

be somewhat unrealistic; the rest of the

film cannot be faulted and is definitely

worth seeing.

• TAMSEN ENGLISH

2.11.0520 FILM

FILMWeighty stuffThe Constant Gardener 8/10

Terry Gilliam’s latest picture Brothers Grimmopens with the words, “Once upon a time…” andso begins another run of the mill, good versus evil,fairytale. Except that it’s not intended to be.

The story, set in the 1800’s, concerns two brothers, Jake

and Will Grimm (played by Heath Ledger and Matt Damon),

travelling conmen who are forced by French Governor

Delatombe to track down another conman terrorising the

inhabitants of a small German town.

However, complications arise when it becomes apparent

that there is no confidence scam, only the

work of true evil.

Little Red Riding Hood is

snatched up by a werewolf,

while a maniacal ginger-

bread man gobbles down a

hapless village girl and

runs off with her inside

him.

Where the film falls down

is that these scenes are too

dark to be funny, too absurd to

be shocking. The story is nothing

special and though Matt and Heath put in

adequate performances, their characters just aren’t likeable

enough.

The one character that shows any spice is Peter

Stormare’s Italian henchman Cavaldi. To put it lightly he’s an

honest to God maniac. Rarely in the film does he appear

without some sort of weapon at hand, and is he not shy about

using them.

When a bird nearly flies into his face he first tries to shoot

it, then declares, “I’ll kill you and take your eggs and smash

them all…” And when he’s not issuing death threats to our

winged brethren he likes to torture people. Clearly a family

man.

The scene where they come to the village is reminiscent of

Ichabod Crane’s arrival in Sleepy Hollow, only without the

atmosphere. Which is precisely what Brothers Grimm lacks.

Atmosphere.

Like Shrek, Brothers Grimm plucks characters from many

of our favourite fairytales and gives them minor roles within

the story, but this time in a dark and gruesome fashion

At the end of the day Brothers Grimm could be called

harmless fun, except for the fact that it isn’t that fun. It’s just

rather pointless. • ALEX TIERNEY

Grimm day for GilliamThe Brothers Grimm

3/10In this latest offering fromdirector Cameron Crowe,Orlando Bloom, stars asDrew Baylor, a troubledyoung man who has to dealwith both the death of hisfather and the collapse ofhis career.

But then, along comes girl. Girl

is mildly zany. Girl and boy

become phone buddies. Girl and

boy resist each other. Girl and

boy get together. What else do

you expect from a romantic com-

edy? Well actually, due to a kick-

ass soundtrack and excellent

casting, a lot more, in fact.

Kirsten Dunst stars as stew-

ardess Claire Colburn, otherwise

known as the girl. While Drew is

on his way to his fathers’ funeral

in Elizabethtown, Claire takes an

interest in him that can only be

described as scary yet he still

calls her.

Predictable? Yes, but some-

how the film manages to carry it

off, unlike that of Crowe's portray-

al of life in Elizabethtown, which

are at times cringe worthy.

If this film were to be believed,

everybody in Kentucky smiles

and waves constantly at you

while a young boy on a bike leads

you to your destination in slow

motion. That kind of behaviour

would freak most people out, yet

Drew carries on and follows the

weird child on the bike.

The feel-good factor of this film

then derives from its ability to

move between different emotions

without ever throwing them in

your face. We can watch love

slowly blooming (sorry it had to

be said) follow Drew on his per-

sonal journey of accepting the

loss of his father and, at the same

time, laugh at Drew's mother

(Susan Sarandon) as she embar-

rassingly describes in detail how

her neighbour greeted her on

hearing about her husbands

death.

There's no denying that this is

a chick-flick and that alone would

put many people off spending

their few euros. However, if

you’re into feel-good movies that

have emotion, comedy and a bit

of eye-candy (Orlando or Kirsten,

whichever you're into.), then per-

haps this is the film for you.

• SINEAD LEE

Road trip with OrlandoElizabethtown 7/10

A Spoonful Of TripeNanny McPhee

4/10

Pissed off librarian chic hasmanifested itself in the hubtonight, as pseudo-intellectualglasses, skinny jeans andfaded hardcore punk t-shirtslobby round eagerly anticipat-ing a deliciously hellish lineup.

Judging by the slewing crowds the

apparent “death” of punk was clearly

nothing more than a transitional

stage, a stage that dawned a hoard

of underground bands who started to

remember and re-invent what punk was

and always should be about, the free-

dom of new ideas.

Minus the Bear are no exception to

this as they consist of members of

Botch and Kill Sadie, two fiercely

intense, but now disbanded, math

metal acts, donned for the sake of a

much more melodic sound realised in

Minus the Bear.

New Belfast band We Are Knives,

which I had the mouth watering pleas-

ure of witnessing in the International

Bar supporting Wives, two weeks pre-

vious, take the roll as openers for the

evening. There are high expectations

in the air and two bands that are no

strangers to delivering the goods live.

We Are Knives come straight

through the gates, oozing with convic-

tion and tenacity. Mesmerising and

intricate Fugazi meets Don Caballero

guitar lines; complemented by Steve

Riots Lightning Bolt-esque bass tap-

ping are all kept in check by the fierce-

ly tight drumming.

We Are Knives are, in a word, com-

pelling to watch live. Relentless distort-

ed waves of colourful, jazz tinted riffs

that stop and start on a razors edge.

The virtuoso singer/guitarist, Hornby’s

guttural rants at the microphone while

flailing his telecaster like a man pos-

sessed makes for a more than memo-

rable live experience.

The crowd connect with it immediate-

ly, nodding and trying, as impossible as

it might seem, to keep in time with fren-

zied rhythms constantly crashing in and

back out of each other.

The most astounding feature of the

band is the use of finger tapping by

both the guitarist and the bassist to cre-

ate this uniquely progressive, delight-

fully evil and wholly effective sound.

Well rehearsed, fearlessly inventive,

and incredibly talented, We Are Knives

should be a must see priority for all fans

of live music.

Minus The Bear are now faced with a

more than daunting challenge, to follow

their support band! The most remark-

able thing about them is their sugar

coated pop sensibilities and cleverly

crafted guitar/electronic dynamics.

Hanging delayed melodies and an

airtight rhythm section gives the band

an incredibly polished and note perfect

sound. The math metal precision is

forefront in everything they do.

Four songs in and the Crowd are

whipped up into an absolute frenzy,

eyes closed, fists in the air and belting

out every line with a real sense of con-

viction.

The ska/jazz/punk crossover

rhythms make the perfect metronome

for an impassioned bit of head bopping,

and the band revel in the energy com-

ing direct from the crowd, feeding off it

and reciprocating it back and forth, a

sweaty ordeal but well worth the effort

to stay up the front.

Despite the overwhelming response

from the crowd, We Are Knives were

the true heroes of the evening. In a

mainstream alternative musical climate

exhausted to the point of desperation,

awash with post-punk and Primal

Scream re-hashes, they are one of a

handful of bands pushing ideas and

pushing themselves for the sake of

their art.

Minus The Bear deserve their dues

for a truly heartfelt performance.

However, for a band that wouldn’t

sound out of place on the O.C. sound-

track, they were simply outgunned by a

much darker arsenal.

Miniature in stature shemay be but no one couldever say Erin McKeownhas a small talent.

With a string of genre-defy-

ing, multi-instrumental albums

under her belt, new release

‘We Will Become Like Birds’ is

equally as diverse, although

this time the more mature

singer-songwriter has har-

nassed her creativity better. It

is a fact no one is more aware

of than the Virginian native

herself.

“Grand’ and ‘Distillation’ are

both very eclectic records.

They kind of expand the idea

of pop music from everything

from the early twenties until

now whereas this record is

more focused. It’s a more

modern sound I’m interested

in right now, it uses traditional

instruments in non-traditional

ways.”

Top of her class in high-

school and a graduate of

Brown Univeristy, McKeown

played virtually all the instru-

ments on her last three albums

herself. This time, however,

she has passed over the reins

to other musicians in order to

focus on her subject matter;

which has veered in a new

direction.

While ‘Grand’ focused heav-

ily on personal relationships

this new creation has definite

political leanings. It is a topic,

McKeown admits, she has yet

to really explore.

“I definitely think politics is

something I have left to work

on. I haven’t done much of it

in the past. I think more and

more in the world it’s become

important and necessary to

address that in music so there

is more of that in this record

than there has been in my

other ones.”

This new political theme is

particularly poignant given that

‘We Will Become Like Birds’

was recorded in, what has

become in recent times, a

hotbed of American political

interest - New Orleans. The

recently devasted city holds a

special place in McKeown’s

heart.

“This album would have

been vastly different if I hadn’t

been in New Orleans. The city

has this quality of being

incredibly sad and incredibly

triumphant and joyful at the

same time. That feeling is

everywhere in New Orleans:

it’s in its houses, it’s in its peo-

ple, it’s in the streets, it’s in the

weather and that’s how I

thought about these songs: as

sad, about something difficult,

but I also wanted them to be

triumphant.”

The subject of President

Bush receives a far less enthu-

siastic response. “I think its

mostly created a real sense of

frustration”, McKeown says

coolly. “It has been a reality

check for Americans as far as

Bush is concerned.

“It’s gone downhill very

quickly for him and, I think,

in the last few months,

besides the hurricane, there

are all kinds of other prob-

lems that he is having as

a government…I think

finally Americans are

understanding that he is a

liar and a criminal and all

these things that the rest of the

world seemed to pick up on a

lot more quickly.”

McKeown is a lady who

pulls few punches. A degree in

Ethnomusicality and a fledg-

ling record label make her

more versed than most to dis-

cuss the current state of the

music market.

“When this whole digital

thing happened it was a boom

for the independent labels and

then what did

these

b i g

companies go and do? What

they always do, which is buy

everything out. So now you’ve

got five record labels that all

have digital music services

manufacturing CD’s you can’t

rip.”

Not that this is about to stop

Erin McKeown. “This is the

fourth album and I’ve got the

sixth, seventh and eighth ones

cooking…I’ve made a point of

nurturing a lot of new things at

once.”

With an attitude like that,

undoubtedly we’ll be hearing

more from this singer-song-

writer for some years to come.

Kate Hayes speaks to soloist Erin McKeown about her new album, recording inNew Orleans, George Bush and the monopoly held by the big five record labels.

An education in music

Stephen Caffrey visits the Hub and checks out Minus The Bear & We Are Knives

Growlingly cutting2.11.05 21MUSIC

LIVE AT THE HUB: WE ARE KNIVES AND MINUS THE BEAR PLAYED TRULY INSPIRING SETS

PHOTOS: STEPHEN CAFFREY

22 MUSIC 2.11.05

AURAL EXAMINATIONS

VARIOUS ARTISTSLIFE BEFORE 40

Leading UK hip-hop label Low Life Records have

celebrated their 40th release by putting together a

compilation of tracks from the last decade. This

album includes material released between 1998

and 2005 and gives a good, but not great, over-

view of recent British hip-hop.

Truth be told, there are not many tracks on this

album that really grab you as outstanding but

there’s no dross either. UK hip-hop has enjoyed

an upward march towards credibility, there’s noth-

ing in the collection to be ashamed of. Indeed, the

variety of styles on offer here would shame the

monolithic mainstream of formulaic US rap and its

token bass-loaded backbeats.

Many of the best tracks eschew the heavy-

handed approach and go for a low-key, atmos-

pheric sound that goes well with thoughtful, intel-

ligent lyrics. The influence of dub reggae is obvi-

ous with the likes of Rodney P, while Mystro goes

for a more synthesised sound.

As well as the thirteen tracks of the main com-

pilation, the package comes with a worthwhile

bonus CD of videos and a full-length mix. If you’re

looking for an introduction to Britrap’s recent

exploits you could do a lot worse.

6/10 DAN FINN

NEIL YOUNG‘PRAIRIE WIND’

This album is frustrating. Recorded in Nashville, itis initially delighting to hear Neil Young in familiarterritory: country-rock, beautiful acoustic guitarwith intimate, personal lyrics. ‘Prairie Wind’ sees areturn to his earthy, folk/country-rock roots, simplesongs with wistful melancholia about Americanrural traditions and simpler times.

He juxtaposes this nostalgic reminiscence withpolitical concerns, and badly. His deconstructionof American life under Bush just isn't saying any-thing new, or even insightful.

One might expect a veteran like Young to havesome profound insights into his society's ills,maybe a wisdom that comes with his age, and hisrecent brush with death (he suffered an aneurysmthis year), but his references to popular culture, ("I'll always remember somethin' Chris Rock said") specifically to America post 9/11, are awkwardand clumsy and seem like a desperate attempt atbeing relevant and modern.

However, it is startling how clear, distinctiveand sweet his beautiful voice still is, and there aredefinitely some tender moments of introspectionand fragility to appreciate, - specifically ‘ThePainter’, and ’When God Made me’, a gentlehymn that Young wrote after his aforementionedbrush with mortality.

Unfortunately, there's not enough on this albumto make up for its lack of cohesion. Elvis tribute?Anti-Bush? Country-rock? "If you follow everydream, you might get lost", he sings. How true.

7/10 DEIRDRE MAGUIRE

GRANDADDY‘Excerpts from the Diary of Todd Zilla’ EPGrandaddy were formed in Modesto, California in1992. Since then, they’ve released three superbalbums, but this EP is a disappointing fall in theirform. It starts with a promising opener, “Pull theCurtains”, which is obvious single material. Unfortunately, after this, the EP just goes frommediocre to bad. Grandaddy fans will be disap-pointed by its serious over-reliance on distortedguitars and wining vocals.

Much of the record is slating criticism of theirhometown, Modesto. It is this disillusionment thatcomes across in the record. It’s as if Grandaddybarely put any effort into this offering. Consideringthe success of the sublimely beautiful SophtwareSlump in 2000, this is a terrible let down.

It is a sloppy mini-album that is driven by repet-itive piano and distorted guitars. Songs slide intoone another without the listener even noticing.This is background music; it’s just shockingly ordi-nary for what would typically be considered anexcellent band.

With “Excerpts from the diary of Todd Zilla”, youget the feeling that this EP was recorded hastilywithout much effort in originality or production.Most of the songs should have been left for B-siderecord, instead Grandaddy have released a for-gettable collection of songs, with no continuity orconviction.

4/10 GILL KENNEDY

NEW ORDER

‘SINGLES’

‘Singles’ is a 2CD set of the very cream ofEighties pioneers New Order and spans every-thing from the first single ‘Ceremony’ ( a JoyDivision cover) to the most recent, ‘Waiting for theSiren’s Call’.

The band were formed out of the ashes of JoyDivision but washed away their previous incarna-tion, finding their own distinct style: fusing togeth-er the genres of rock and dance. This has provedto be a highly successful formula, exemplified bythe fact that tracks such as ‘Blue Monday’ haveeasily lasted the test of time.

‘Regret’ is possibly one of the best singles ofthe 90’s with a pounding bass line, melancholiclyrics and rhythmic beats and electronics. Othergems include the Italia ’90 theme, ‘World InMotion’; it may be an Eng-er-land theme but JohnBarnes’ comical rap more than makes up for it.

Earlier this year ‘Krafty’ was released, a tributeto Kraftwerk. Admittedly the lyrics are a little naffbut it is still a track written with pop sensibilities inmind, that catchy hook certainly lends a hand.

The only disappointment is that one of the besttracks, ‘Shellshock’, has been cut to single lengthrather than its original seven minute version.

For any self respecting New Order fan thisalbum won’t be necessary but it is a good andcomprehensive assemblage of one of the mostinfluential bands of the 80’s.

8/10 KEVIN MURPHY

EL PRESIDENTE

KINGSLEY KELLY

With Arctic Monkeys storming to No.1 in the UK itis important to be reminded that on occasion youshouldn’t believe the hype. El Presidente havebeen sitting uneasily with the title of the UK’sScissor Sisters around their neck; unfair surely,after all this is Glasgow VS New York.

Surprisingly, this works in El Presidente’sfavour. The exuberant live performances havebeen their making as a hot new band, but pale incomparison to the fact that outrageous front manDante Gizzi (Models himself on Columbian druglords, dresses like a coke fiend and has per-formed on stage wearing nothing but a Cubanflag) is a Scottish café-owner.

Riding on the back of three of this summer’sgreatest singles doesn’t hurt either. The openingsonic assault; ‘Without You’, ‘Rocket’, and ‘100MPH’, is a lethal mix of rock flair and toxic pop.

At their best, El Presidente swagger; Gizzi hasa lush voice; his stylish delivery making up for thelyrical blandness, McGlynn, Marks, Zhu andMcNiece combine for a funked out twist on infec-tious pop beats. Unfortunately El Presidente’sopening act is never topped or even equalled. Theremainder of the album is a mess of increasinglyrobotic funk; their respected live energy leaving amessy grave as the album tanks. El Presidentepick themselves up for a stronger than expectedfinish but suffocate in-between on noxious filler.

6/10 KINGSLEY KELLY

BABYSHAMBLES“DOWN IN ALBION”

If the old rock and roll stereotype is true: that a lifeof substance abuse, elating highs and rock bot-tom lows make for great song writing, PeteDoherty should be nothing short of our genera-tions Gram Parsons.

Hailed as a prophet by so many and a figure ofnational hatred by millions more, logically thisalbum should make for penmanship worthy ofgreatness.

He, however, has found himself the victim ofthe phrase he so famously embraced; life imitat-ing art, purely because the art imitating his life isthat same surface level muddled composition.

This album swaggers like a drunken danderthrough a nightclub, occasionally finding some-thing that interests you for the briefest ofmoments, but in general, feeling more than a littlebit lost.

‘Fuck Forever’, ‘Kilimanjiro’ and ‘Pipedown’ areamong a handful of songs retaining that glorioussense of anthemic immediacy that really grabbedyou about The Libertines. Title track “Down InAlbion”, lacerates and drips with decadence, andsees Doherty revelling in his shamelessly Britishand new romantic roots.As a whole however, theone dimensional guitar lines and a lack of any realunpredictable musical diversity fails to let thealbum breathe and open up into something wor-thy of the potential we know Pete Doherty has yetto realise.

6/10 STEPHEN CAFFREY

GRAVENHURSTFIRES IN DISTANT BUILDINGSOffering finger-picked, pastoral songs with anuneasy, dreamlike undertone, Gravenhurst have, inthe past, gained a reputation as a ‘Nick Drakemeets Twin Peaks’ ensemble.

As if to at once acknowledge and curtail this com-parison, FIDB marks a move in two directions forGravenhurst. There is still a definite Drake-ism tothe record. The songs ‘Nicole’ and ‘Cities BeneathThe Sea’ suggest something akin to the mentallandscape of Drake’s ‘Pink Moon’, but with the auralbenefits of a more complete musical accompani-ment.

But the bulk of the record marks a move towardsa more dense, amplified sound. Opening track,‘Down River’, issues in a dark, reflective ambiencethat recalls ‘OK Computer’ era Radiohead.

Edgy instrumental touches are no longer sub-merged in the mix, but have been given an integralrole in the sound. There is a concerted effort on thepart of the band to create an oppressive and yetaustere mood, and this serves as the perfect under-current to the dystopic image-painting of Talbot’slyrics.

“To understand the killer I must become thekiller”, he sings against the restless drone of ‘ThisVelvet Cell’. Take him on his word.

With FIDB, Gravenhurst have crafted a quietlymenacing record that will cause many a sleeplessnight for the nobility of the slothful indie-scene.

9/10 FIONN DEMPSEY

MILLIONAIRE

PARADISIAC

From the heart-thumping drums and the energybursting on the very first track, it is obviousMillionaire’s latest has something to do with JoshHomme. The Queens of the Stone Age frontman,who produced this effort, has his inimitable signa-ture emblazoned across this album, and mostly togood effect.

From the loose anarchy of single ‘I’m On AHigh’, this Belgian outfit gives more than a nod toNine Inch Nails, Rage Against the Machine,Soulwax and Soundgarden, racing through eachsong with vitriol and a raw purity hard to match.

‘Love Is A Sickness’, another outstanding track,represents the zenith of ‘Paradisiac’, with its blendof breakneck speed, excellent guitars and just theright side of over-production. ‘Ballad Of PureThought’ is a welcome departure from this formu-la towards the close of the album, with the surpris-ingly soulful vocals emanating from TimValhamel’s surely destroyed throat and anacoustic guitar adding some diversity.

However, this is one of the problems with‘Paradisiac’; while standing up to repeat listening,its relentless energy and over the top angry pas-sion will simply make it unbearable for many attimes, and a couple of songs simply sound likesomething Smashing Pumpkins and Queens ofthe Stone Age chucked out. Definitely one towake you up in the morning though.

4/10 JACK CANE

2.11.05 23MUSIC

Solo Skating to wide acclaim

College Tribune: You recorded your

album at home in your garage by your-

self - how many instruments can you

play yourself?

Tom Vek: I can just play the kinda

ordinary ones. Drums, guitar, bass, and

key-ed instruments, like pianos and

stuff.

CT: So no "glockenspiel" or other

"exotic" instruments?

TV: They're pretty easy to play aren't

they glockenspiels? I'd probably give it

a go. I'd give everything a go, I mean if

I had a glockenspiel I'd probably have

mastered it.

CT: Is there any instrument in partic-

ular that you favour the most, I know

that when I saw you last that you were

playing bass, is this still the case?

TV: With the live thing I'm still doing

the same as what I did earlier. It's still

the same album that we're promoting.

Personally, I really like playing the

drums, which I don't do live but there is

room for that to be explored at some

point. It's (the album 'We Have Sound')

is translated live quite traditionally I

think, but it's not a completely straight

forward rock band performance. That's

the core of it, but there are some more

things in there, with playing live, it's

probably a bit more constrained, the

recording probably has a few more odd

things in there.

CT: You've been compared in music

press to Beck, Talking Heads, and LCD

Sound-system (At this he sighs) what

was it that influenced you when you

were creating the album?

TV: O Beck, Talking Heads, LCD

Soundsystem…The biggest influence

for the place I'm in now musically was

the real pioneering music in the 1990's,

a bit of a forgotten era. Stuff was going

on in the UK, like the trip-hop thing,

Bristol based trip hop drum n base

thing, and the kind of American alterna-

tive stuff that was coming over. Bands

like The Eels and Cake, and there was

this kind of zany thing going on, not like

Barenaked Ladies, they were a bit too

zany, but bands like Soul Coffin and

stuff. And Beck was really the leader of

that thing, but I've always loved bands.

With the music that I make on my own,

I'm just trying to perform like a band,

but I do it on my own. I give the same

amount of attention to each instrument,

as a band member would, which is why

my favourite artist’s aren't instrumental-

ist solo people, because that's not what

I'm pertained to.

CT: Do you have the same plan for

recording your next album at home in

the garage or would you consider trying

something else?

TV: Well, yea. I know that this record

is my first record and I know that to a lot

of people that I'm new, but I've been

doing it for a great many years, so that

quest ions

is so obvious to me that if I were to

change it now it would be completely

ignoring how I got to be here.

CT: So it would be going from Tom

Vek to somebody else?

TV: Yea, I've played in lots of bands

with friends over the years and I'm

excited about all the side projects, and

things that can happen, but at the

moment my heart and concentration is

in this stuff, and it's a great deal of work

reaching it to the people, but there is

room, and I'm sure that there will be

things that I'll do where I'll just be the

guitarist in the band, but with this, I am

the band.

CT: So, no side projects at the

moment then?

TV: Not yet, 'yourcodenameismilo',

have been inviting people up to their lit-

tle Newcastle studio to do sessions,

they just invite people up for a day, get

them drunk and make a song. I've done

one of them, which is great. I really

admire the band. Yea we did a song it's

quite cool, but it's theirs, I'm not exactly

sure what their plans are now but it

might surface at some point.

CT: You were touring round the UK

for the past month with support acts,

but tonight you're doing the show on

your own, is there anyone that you'd

like to tour with? Who would it be

regardless of time space, death, etc..?

TV: I don't know, this is a weird one I

guess, music has always been a per-

sonal, isolated thing…My answer to

that would be someone who I'd just

want to see again, bands that have bro-

ken up now, Soul Coffin, a band from

Darby called Cable, but Soul Coffin

informed me quite a lot musically, so

that'd be a bit close to the bone. _I was

a big Pumpkins fan, and I would have

liked to havegone out with them during

the 'Siamese Dream' or 'Melancholy...'

era, but otherwise I'd rather do my own

thing and be that band to someone

else.

CT: Moving from your garage to

playing Glastonbury and T in the Park,

and playing in other countries how did

you find that, was it a bit daunting, or

…?

TV: It (Glastonbury) was daunting,

but it's not really my idea of the right

live performance….the best shows for

me are shows like tonight, where the

fundamental idea behind it is, that

everyone in this room tonight will have

come to see me, and it's great. It really

gives you a great deal of confidence

and it's really nice to know that these

people are up for that, and most of

them, ideally I hope that all of them

have the record, cause that's the first

introduction to me, that is my music,

this is just a reinterpretation of it. But

when you do things like festivals, it's

live music for sake of promotion, which

is a lot easier for a band, because

what's onstage is what's in the studio.

But for me, what's on stage is like

slightly side-stepping a version of it,

and it's tough I get a bit awkward about

saying whether that should be repre-

sentative of me, I mean we do get very

close and I am very proud of the live

show, and it's not to put that down. I like

it when live music is more of a reward-

ing thing for the fans, that have discov-

ered it, like it and now want to see it.

CT: Because they can dance along

to it and they know what to expect

TV: Exactly. And my most rewarding

gigs have been, going to see bands

where I have already fallen in love

with the songs, and then seeing it live

is just something else. I've watched

loads of bands and they've been com-

pletely new, and they've been aston-

ishing but I think you're still taking it in,

you don't quite know what's happen-

ing next and I think that in this day

and age people have a certain cyni-

cism, people don't like being caught

out. One song is great and the next

song is shit and they're like ah damn.

You do need people to feel a lot more

confident, when they've come to see

you, and the record is out, and they

know everything there is to know and

it's great. It's incredibly flattering to

have anyone turn up to my gigs, we're

in Ireland, and it's miles away from

where I live and I think it's sold out

tonight and you can't help but be

happy with that.

CT: So will you be playing any new

material tonight?

TV: Well there isn't any yet, but we

do play some b-sides, so they'll be for

the ubër fans. Two of the songs that

we'll play are b-sides from the single

that came out on Monday (Nothing

But Green Lights) so they'll be new to

a lot people.

CT: So tell me about the video for

Nothing but Green Lights. (In the video,

Tom is roller-skating around a velo-

drome, demonstrating some interesting

dance moves) Having studied graphic

design at University, did you make it

yourself or where did the idea come

from?

TV: Videos are a bit more of an oper-

ation to do; it was an idea that I had

myself. In the past, only at times when

I haven't had an idea, I've trusted col-

lege friends to do videos. The very

early couple we did didn't cost any-

thing, and we pretty much "hands on"

did them, but the last three or so have

been of a modest budget but decent

enough to do something. And I really

like it and it's had a great reaction.

CT: It looks like you'd a lot of fun

making it as well…

TV: Yea it was a lot of fun. It was

recorded in a velodrom, and there are

only two of them in the country and the

only time it was free was during the

night, and that was the night before we

went to New York to do some American

shows. It was quite good though,

because it battled my jetlag, because I

stayed up all night roller-skating and by

the time we got to New York it was the

evening of the next day, and we just

had some drinks and dinner and I just

woke up in New York fine.

So anyone going to New York, do

some roller skating, stay up all night

and you'll beat the jet lag

Top tip there.

Tom Vek, electro, lo-fi, indie, multi-instrumentalist "art-rocker", talks to Aisling O'Leary over aGuinness, prior to his gig in Whelans about his new single, instruments... and rollerskating

DID YOU KNOW?Other artists that have left their paintbrushes and pencils behind

in favour of a guitar and a mic-using their artistic skills to influ-

ence their music.

Art-rockers: Devandra Banhart; Syd Barret; John

Lennon; Kayne West; Talking Heads; Roxy

Music; Franz Ferdinand.

TOM VEK: A ONE MAN BAND ON A MISSION

My phone makes a noise when it gets atext that doesn’t translate to print. Its nota beep beep or a honk. It’s a kind of ashrill, melodic tone. It’s not unpleasantand when I heard it on a Friday evening atabout half eight I was, as I always amwhen receiving a text, a little bit pleasedand a little bit surprised.

With expectation and trepidation I pressed the

open button on my battered mobile. Imagine how

these emotions were affected when I opened the

text to find it wasn’t from a hot girl asking me out.

Nor was it from any of my friends or even from an

unknown number that begins with 085, 6 or 7.

No, this one of those that begins with 53. One

of those annoying junk texts. Why is there no

email-like junk filter on my phone? Maybe writing

to Nokia would help.

A particular feature of my week recently has

been my being woken up by Anto Kelly’s Ents

team telling me about what’s coming up this week

in UCD’s Student Bar. Now I’ve met Anto Kelly but

I don’t remember ever giving him my number.

However, he clearly realises that my eyesight’s

not what it was and that the simple old fashioned

pleasure of finding out what’s going on in college

by looking at the wide array of posters is not

enough.

I didn’t sign up to receive Ents materials when

I’m trying to sleep in. It may have something to do

with my joining the C&E a couple of years ago, I’m

not sure. Perhaps he got my number from the

people at Bondi who think my name’s Rob or that

Florist who texted a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, back to my Friday night text. It turns

out my message has come from Diageo, the

multinational drinks company that owns the brand

of my tipple of choice, Guinness.

Imagine my surprise when I read the words,

“Don’t see a good night wasted” on my mobile’s

scratched screen.

Now forgive my cynicism, but aren’t Diageo the

self same company who glamourise boozing?

Don’t they plough huge money into their advertis-

ing campaigns that show a

sexy side to drink?

Alcohol is a drug. It’s my own

personal drug of choice. Being an

adult and of the legal age to drink, when I

purchase alcoholic beverages I am well aware

of their effects. I know that if I lash a load of pints

into me, I’ll get drunk. Sometimes that’s the whole

point.

Now when the people who make and market

my drug of choice start telling me not to consume

too much of their product I get a little annoyed.

When heroin addicts go to their dealers, are they

warned, “Here, be careful now. Don’t get too

high.” Are pill poppers warned not to dance too

much? Are pot heads told, “this might make you

a little giggly now.” People generally purchase

products when they know what that product does.

Drink is no different.

At the same time, I was a little touched. I won-

dered whether Diageo were personally con-

cerned about my well being. I also wondered

whether they were watching me and knew that I’d

purchased a bottle of vodka earlier that evening

and was planning on drinking it with a friend

before hitting town. I wondered whether they were

jealous. I was going to text back to make sure they

knew I’d have a pint of the black stuff later.

It turns out I wasn’t the only one who Diageo

were worried about. A group of lads were enjoying

a

q u i e t

pint after a

match and all got

it simultaneously. In

response they went out and got wrecked.

I went out and, in my own personal opinion had

a good night. In the Palace that night there weren’t

many great nights being wasted. I saw what I see

every time I go out. Young people having fun, hav-

ing a drink and having a dance.

Of course some people had a bad night. It’s the

nature of life. If everyone was in a good mood at

all times Dublin would be a serene and surreal

place. Would it be fun? It certainly wouldn’t be

realistic.

Perhaps Diageo’s cynical marketing plan of

appearing to care would be better directed at the

more aged in our society. Maybe they should

phone the houses of the countless old men who

drive home ossified every weekend night, acci-

dents waiting to happen.

Or maybe they should just stick to what they’re

good at. Maybe they should save themselves the

money they spent on the text and their fancy

‘Don’t drink says the Drinks Company’ ad cam-

paign, and put it back into keeping their exorbitant

prices down.

24 REGULARS

THIS WEEK: DIAGEO

“I know that if Ilash a load ofpints into me, I’ll get drunk.Sometimesthat’s the wholepoint

RU D ’ S W

OR

LD

2.11.05

Personally, I never believed in the man myself.

As long as I got my greedy little hands on some

presents, their origin was irrelevant. No I wasn’t a

spoiled brat thank you very much, just a smarter

than average little princess. But there are those of

you out there for whom the discovery marked a

point in their lives when they realized that the

world wasn’t as magic as it had once seemed. As

for the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy; no one

was that dumb were they?

The day will come when going out and getting

smashed is no longer logistically possibly. The

older you get the harder it is to shake off dirty

hangovers. God made it this way for a reason.

There is nothing pretty about over thirties hanging

out in the dark corners of D2, refusing to let go of

their youth. There is no shame in spending Friday

nights with Pat Kenny, none at all.

An inevitable part of growing up is getting out of

bed so you can go to a job you hate for pay that’s

crap. Fear not it will make you appreciate the time

you don’t spend in work so much. That’s about as

positive as it gets I’m afraid.

As the lyrical genius Ronan Keating once sang;

‘life is a rollercoaster.’ Never a truer word said

Ronan, never a truer word. Whether it’s your first

boyfriend or that girl who sits beside you in your

history lecture, many of us will feel the stab of

heartbreak or the jab of rejection in our lives.

Growing up inevitably leads to that pubescent

transition from thinking boys are smelly and imma-

ture (what changes aye?) to noticing their bulging

biceps and rock hard abs. (Contain your laughter

ladies.) Heartbreak hurts but so does Karma.

In theory we are in our physical prime. Icky

issues such as cholesterol and heart disease are

not top of our current worries. But with age come

bingo wings where tight arms were previously,

and ‘ham roles’ and ‘food babies’ replace what

was once a perfectly toned stomach. Until such

time comes though boys and girls, make the most

of what you’ve got and shake what your mamma

gave you.

Love them or hate them, they serve a practical

purpose and they work a wonder for your ass. But

after the age of ten you’ll be subject to mass

ridicule for such declarations of comfort. Though

in fairness Dixies Midnight Runners got away with

them.

We all remember simpler times when sex and

all the nasty things that go with the evil act were

lost on our ignorant little heads. The time came

though when we discovered the awful truth that

Mom and Dad didn’t only ‘hold hands’ at

Christmas time and special occasions. Some of

us we’re cruelly subjected to a ‘chat’ from our

mothers, the lucky ones escaped, learning the

truth from the playground and TV. Once you real-

ize the truth, there’s no going back

Though with any luck by the time we hit our for-

ties they’ll have advanced plastic surgery so much

we’ll look the same as we do now anyway. Sure

look at Madonna, like that’s all just yoga.

For some young men, their once flowing mane

will recede with time and then it’s only a hop skip

and a jump to baldness. Fear not, look to such fine

specimens as Andre Agassi and Bruce Willis for

inspiration. They do not hide behind toupees or a

nasty comb-over but proudly declare their follicley

challenged state to the masses. Shave it off boys

It’s a generational thing; we are cool, our par-

ents are not. But do not be mistaken, our day will

come. Symptoms of losing the ‘cool’ factor include;

noticing how short young girl’s skirts are now, as

well as declaring that children these days have no

respect. (They don’t.) Once you’ve uttered these

words, you’ve passed the point of no return

Dicovering thatSanta was a lie10

10T H I N G S I H A T E A B O U T

Too old to party9

Heartbreak7

Bingo wings &Food Babies6

No moredungarees5

The loss ofinnocence4

Losing thatyouthful glow3

Receding hairlines2

Losing the‘cool’ factor1

by EILEENO’MALLEY

The wonderfulworld of work8

GROWING UP

Nous sommes ici mes petits chous. French; the language

of love and the most apt introduction to the latest instalment

of the lunge.

We trust you’ve been taking our advice on board. We

have been inundated with such a volumous amount of thank

you letters, that UCD has threatened to burn all our incoming

mail. The creators of the lunge are environmentalists at heart

and call upon the University to allow us educate the masses in

the way of the lunge. These are the future parents of Ireland.

We also suspect that this is a mass cover up for Hugh Brady’s

plan to burn all Arts books in the library. We unequivocally condemn

such heinous actions.

Regrettably, we have noticed there has been some unfortunate

confusion. While attending a prominent College event recently and

strutting our stuff on the dance floor, your lunging instructors

noticed an abomination.

A gentleman Fresher who had been boasting that he had read the

lunge and was in prime condition to score, spent his time on the floor

performing the warm up exercise also referred to as

the ‘lunge’.

As he placed his hands on his hips and thrust himself forward, we

despaired. The young man was unsurprisingly unsuccessful.

Beware dear underlings, misread and weep. Things can go horribly

wrong.

When we write the Lunge we mean for you to follow our lead carefully.

Every word is crucial so be mindful of this when you perform this week’s

piece de resistance.

There we go with the French again, for despite this edition coming out

between Halowe’en and Christmas, a decidedly Valentinesque feel

abounds, particularly when the University is lunging in such numbers.

Having digressed for far too long, we now bring you a little ditty we like

to call “The Snapper”.

Having perfected the ‘Embracifier’ in the past two weeks it is time to

move on. Snapping employs less of the violent action that is required in

the ‘Embracifier’. It’s not one for the dance floor and is perhaps best

employed mid conversation.

Rather than the slow emphasis placed when using the ‘Lean In’, ‘The

Snapper’ may require you to work on your neck muscles when you’re next

in the gym.

During conversation use the music to your advantage. The noise may

require you to lean towards your lungee. Use this proximity to manoeuvre

yourself into a face-to-face situation.

As always, make sure you’ve moistened those lips and keep your

hands low. Lean your head back slightly and with one quick snap of the

neck, jerk your head forward and Bam!

Dear Tribune

I’m really worried about introducing my

boyfriend to my Mum. She is a single parent and

I’ve never met my Dad. Although in her forties she

is very vivacious and always has a flock of

younger men after her.

I think they are attracted to her because she is

so down to earth and acts ‘like one of the lads’.

The last boyfriend I had broke up with me

because he was in love with her and cos’ ‘every

time he looked at me I reminded him of her’.

We do look quite alike apart from my mums

Adams apple and unruly facial hair. I don’t know

what to do.

Should I just bite the bullet and introduce him?

Yours in confidence

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Sounds like your Ma’s your Da. Bad buzz.

Unless you reckon he might be a steamer keep

him well away from her/him.

Dear Tribune

I’m really ashamed. I’ve got a really weird fetish

and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone

about it and it’s affecting my relationship with

my girlfriend.

She’s really conservative and I know if I tell

her she’ll find it too weird and dump me.

The truth is that I’m get turned on by

lockers. It started out when I was in

school but I was able to get on with my

life cos’ there were hardly any in the

school.

However, its hit crisis point since I came

to college. There’s just so many of them here. I

find myself hanging round in the basement of the

Arts block all day waiting to get a fix. It’s not the

locker itself but when people open and close

them. I don’t know if it’s the pulsating sound or

the gritting of metal but I just can’t help myself.

I haven’t been to a lecture in ages, I just lie in

wait in the darkest spot I can find for someone

to come along and open theirs up. I feel really

dirty and it’s ruining my life.

Yours,

James

1st arts

Dear James

Yours is by far and away the most disturbing

problem we’ve encountered yet. You’re right, you

are dirty and you are a freak. We would suggest

visiting a psychiatrist but it is doubtful they could

do anything. Sorry we couldn’t be of more help

but we don’t want to have anything to do with

filthy little perverts like you.

Dear Tribune,

I'm just writing to say what a great program

"Pure Mule" is. As a proud biffo, I think it gave a

very accurate portrayal of life in Offaly. There's

nothing I like more than a pint

of 'red diesel' in my local. That

young wan 'Therese' was

something else, I'd bring her

home to Mammy alright.

R.T.E. have done Offaly a

great service, Long may it

last.

Donal 'Skobie'

Bergin

4th Ag (Eng.

Tech)

Dear Biffo,

Obviously you are from Offaly and have had one

too many ‘red diesels’ but this is a problem page.

It is not a forum for airing your ill informed views

on RTE programming. Many would consider

being inbred is a problem in itself but there’s not

much we can do about it. It’s Gods

way of balancing humanity.

WARNING: LUNGING CAN BE DANGEROUS

2.11.05 25REGULARS

BECAUSE A PROBLEM SHARED IS A PROBLEM DOUBLED

THIS WEEK:

THE SNAPPER

COLLEGETRIBUNE@GMAIL.COM

T R I B U N EG U I D E

THE

TO THE

L U N G E

TURBINETHE

It’s Satire, Stupid!INSIDE

SURROGATE MOTHERSAYS THERE’S NO

WOMB

VOLUME XIX ISSUE IV

31pstill

on

ly

FRISBIE INVENTORDIES AFTER CATCHING

WHAT WAS GOINGROUND

PERVERT PRIESTS IN‘SUNDAY ROAST’

SHOCKER

Friends of evil German dictatorAdolf Hitler have revealed a newand surprisingly caring side to thevillain of World War II.

Despite killing thousands of people and

starting a war which killed millions of peo-

ple, it turns out that Hitler was actually not

so bad after all.

"Ahh sure wasn't Adolf a gas fella alto-

gether", said Old Rosler [84], a former

member of the SS and close buddy of the

Nazi leader.

"I remember he was a great man for the

impressions. Ah jesus, he was gas. He did

the best impression of Neville Chamberlain

I'd ever seen. He'd have us all in stitches."

And when he wasn't trying to wipe out

the Jews, Hitler was a devoted family man

that was loved by his constituents.

"He did a lot for our community, did

Adolf. I know people give him a hard time

for what he did, but we're all human", said

Uwe Bierhoff [85].

"And anyway, it's not as if he ever stood

trial or was convicted for his crimes. He

was an innocent man, who was only trying

to do his best for his family."

In a surprising move, Taoiseach Bertie

Ahern, despite not ever meeting Hitler, has

weighed in behind the complimentary com-

ments.

"Adolf was always the life and soul of

the party, and his sense of humour has

never been well documented by the media.

I think that the 'race to the bottom' in black-

ening his name has left a shadow over our

memories of him."

Racegoers at Ballinrobe, upon hearing

of the news, observed a minute's silence at

yesterday's meeting as a tribute to the for-

mer German leader.

POLICEMAN ARRESTSUKRANIAN

PROTESTANT FORTRANSLATION MISUN-

DERSTANDING

SPORTCLAUDIO ‘TINKERMAN’RANIERI IN RUNNING

FOR GYPSIES JOB

SCREECH: PRINCIPALBELDING THE MAN TO

REPLACE KERR

WEATHERMET EIREANN:

BRIGHT TONIGHT

HITLER: A GAS MAN FOR THE IMPRESSIONS

A GRAND FELLA

Members of the Provisional IRA,who layed down their arms recent-ly have become bored with life.

“I used to see the lads every day or so,

we’d initiate some young lads, plot a trap

for the Queen or have an Army Council

meeting”, said Frank (not a real name).

“Now all I do is sit at home watching tv. I

can’t even show the kids how to use an M-

16. Its terrible.”

Belfasts’ men are said to be entering

into a new midlife crisis some are calling

‘Post Conflict Traumatic Surrender Stress.’

State Pathologist Dr. Marie Cassidy

refused to speak to the Spanner, saying “I

don’t know why you’re talking to me, I’m a

pathologist not a phsychologist.”

When a psychologist was found, Dr. Ian

Jones commented; “It was bound to hap-

pen. Away from the IRA activities these

men have very little to do. They can no

longer rob banks or knee cap people and

have to spend time with their families.”

Gerry Adams, leader of Sinn Fein said

that the IRA men had done themselves

justice in the past and now should reap the

rewards of retirement. “These men should

be left in peace”, said the bearded man,

“they’ve served their country and can now

relax in Eire, north or south.”

However, Frank is thinking of joining the

LVF, just to have something to do. Taking

his part in the Loyalist Civil War he said it

will relieve the boredom and he’ll still be

able to attack Protestants. “It works out

well really.”

Frank’s wife Eileen (also not a real

name), is backing her husband all the way.

“If it gets him out of under my feet I’ll be

happy. Who cares who he’s killing as long

as he’s not watching repeats of Murder

She Wrote when I want to watch Open

House.”

Frank, 31, is said to have retired his

Celtic jersey and started to attend local

side Linfield’s matches. He is learning the

words to The Sash and Eileen is busy knit-

ting an orange scarf. Unfortunately, the

couple may have to move and become

more stoic and hard working if their

dreams of Protestantism are to come true.

Taoiseach Bertie Ahern is concerned at

the developments. “If good Catholic

Irishmen are deserting the cause then

what hope for our United Ireland, if they’re

bored maybe they should go on holidays, I

hear Columbia’s nice at this time of year”,

he told An Phoblacht.

He later told the London Independent

that there could be no going back on the

ceasefire and that the Columbia 3 were

going to be sent back to South America to

serve their sentence.

IRA – WE’RE BORED

MCDONALDS LAUNCH

THE ‘MCPUSSY’

PAGE 9

He stood at the red curtain lis-tening intently. The referee wasconversing with the audience.As the cheer bounced off onewall of the theatre and onto thenext, he tugged at the curtainand strode confidently through.The adrenaline pumping. Yetcalm and collected. On the brinkof the biggest shock in modernday snooker.

The Embassy World Championship

is the embodiment of romance and the

sporting ideal of honorable competi-

tion. It’s the stage on which great play-

ers are defined. To win and be ranked

alongside all those legendry players

who have passed through that very

same curtain is the dream of every

professional snooker player.

This is where twenty-two year old

Shaun Murphy found himself last

April. The final of the World

Championships. Competing with the

best. Coming back from the dead to

dispatch with Matthew Stevens to lift

the coveted trophy. Tumbling down

the rabbit hole.

Shaun Murphy displayed the sort of

courage and nerve every champion

must conjure. The hunger that drives

men like that over the finish line is

something that cannot be taught or

passed on. It’s just there inside you.

Niggling at you incessantly. Willing

you to go and do it.

Such has been evident in all of the

greatest players to grace the hallowed

grounds of the Crucible theatre in

Sheffield. The home of world snooker.

Where the champions of old will

always linger. Men like Steve Davis

and Steven Hendry. Haunting the

arena they once made their own.

Murphy displayed a decency and

honesty in his approach to the biggest

match of his life, which won the hearts

of every spectator in the Crucible. He

has been a fine ambassador for the

game of snooker, in contrast to sports-

men whose behavior regularly borders

on that of disgraceful. Such behavior is

an attack on the spirit and the fellow-

ship that these games should be

played with.

The great characters of any sport

will always add that little bit extra to the

game. They will challenge the system.

Do something a little bit different. Such

a trait is clear to see in Ronnie

O’Sullivan.

A man who is undoubtedly the great-

est player in modern day snooker, and

possibly the greatest player of all time.

But a man who often appears to be tor-

mented by some deep heartache.

A heartache that is riddled with

some gutting sorrow. A torture that

drives him to do what he does best.

But despite the sheer wizardry of

O’Sullivan at the table, his torment dis-

torts his temperament, a ticking time

bomb when things don’t go his way.

Peter Ebdon resorted to an element

of gamesmanship in his quarterfinal

match with O’Sullivan at last years

World Championships. The behavior of

the world number one during the match

when faced with adversity was nothing

short of appalling.

O’Sullivan let himself, and every-

thing the game of snooker is about,

down as he mocked Ebdon by asking

members of the audience for the time,

before bursting into laughter as Ebdon

took over five minutes to make a break

of twelve.

His fellow professionals have per-

haps suffered the brunt of O’Sullivan’s

emotional instability. In a scathing

attack on one of the greatest players to

ever hold a cue, O’Sullivan claimed

that he would send Stephen Hendry

back to his sad little life in Scotland. He

also declared that not many players

liked world champion Mark Williams.

Such behavior from the most signifi-

cant role model in the modern day

game is not something that is likely to

help it’s future.

Another example of a player who

has let down the proud tradition of his

sport is Tim Henman. The people’s

favourite. A man who has been lav-

ished with the sort of support through-

out his career that every sportsman

dreams about.

It’s London in July. Centre court is

awash with the hustle and bustle that is

part and parcel of Wimbledon every

year. The arena waits. The incoming

clouds overhead mar the picturesque

explosion of colour and euphoria that

consumes the arena as the players

step onto the court. They will wave.

Maybe smile. The smallest of tokens.

But a token of respect. A token of

admiration. And a token of gratititude.

Gratitude for making the journey.

For coming to add that little bit extra to

the contest. To give their man an extra

gear. The momentous support that Tim

Henman has received from the British

crowds at Wimbledon in recent years

has been nothing short of phenomenal.

They have always been there with him

through good times (as rare as they

might have been) and bad.

Henman’s recent fall from grace with

the arrival of Scotland’s Andrew

Murray on the scene, was no excuse

for his actions as he turned his back on

the crowd he once shared an avid

bond with. The English role model

launched a volley of abuse into the

crowd at a match earlier this year as

his frustrations began to boil over.

His appalling behavior caught the

front-page headlines the next morning

in what was possibly Henman’s lowest

moment with a tennis racket in hand.

His conduct was once again something

that let him, and indeed the game

down.

Professional sport is largely about

winning. That is not in question. The

gamesmanship that was applied by

Peter Ebdon against Ronnie O’Sullivan

and the input of the crowd are things

that are part and parcel in sport, regard-

less of the positive and negatives that

different players take from them.

It would be a tragic turn of events if

sport were to trudge the roads of dis-

honour and disloyalty as opposed to

gracing the paths of professionalism

and dignity in respective sporting

fields.

2.11.05 27SPORT

t h e d i a r y o f a . . .decisions that are blatantly wrong andthe product of a nervous intimidated andinexperienced ref.

Two weeks ago, on a pitch that is unfitfor grazing a herd of diseased Friesianheifers (old Merville), we played DanielBedingfield; a fine bunch of lads andgood footballers too.

Two one is the score and with maybehalf an hour on the clock a small scuffleescalades into a timid handbags session.At this point three or four players werenow involved.

However, this referee in his infinite wis-dom never blew his whistle but decidedinstead to join in the debacle, resulting inone of their players walking the ball intoan open net, while the rest of the playerswere attempting to defuse an increasingly

volatile situation. Needless to say thegoal stood much to my chagrin. We lostthat game 3-1.

The following week we played DoctorKenneth Noisewater. Our referee fromacross the pond didn't seem to be up tospeed on the official FIFA rules. Perhapsbefore the game he was consulting themanual from John Maddens NFL on theX-Box, when he decided to give an indi-rect free from in the penalty area!!Despite this decision and the myriad ofother ones just as farcical we managedto eek out a draw.

We will I'm sure, do our best to perse-vere through the aforementioned brutaldecisions, which we and many other teamswill have to deal with.

Week four of the Super League. All ofyou have no doubt experienced some ofthe trials and tribulations of the leagueevents.

After a dream start to the season withtwo opening victories over BlackrockUnited and Silchester United; scoringnine goals and conceding only one from asoft penalty, yours truly felt quite confi-dent that we would be in with a verygood chance of winning the league or atleast finishing very high.

All of the above is still very possible.From our last two games however, wehave only taken one point from a possiblesix, which is not the form of potentialchampions. Bearing in mind especiallythat last years champs Football Uniteddidn't lose a single game, and so far thisseason, boast a one hundred per cent

record.So where to start on making improve-

ments? It is rather daunting to see justhow disorganised we actually are on thepitch despite our best efforts. Hopefullythat will fall into place the more wetrain.

As a team you can organise your pitch-es, train hard and even get a coach sort-ed, but there is one thing you can nevercontrol. Before I begin my little tirade ofheavy criticism, I'd like to mention every-one knows that referees have a difficultjob, and that they are human and suscep-tible to error. There comes a time howeverwhen a ref has to admit he was fault.

For far too long I have felt that thereferee was the architect of my team'sdemise. Never do they seam to have theresolve or courage to make the correct

s u p e r l e a g u e c a p t a i nby Gordon Tobin

Snooker and tennis are games that are etched in a sense of sportsmanship and professionalism. The behavior ofmen like Ronnie O’Sullivan and Tim Henman in recent times has the capacity to destroy this, writes Colin Gleeson

The rocket to self-destruct

O’SULLIVAN: EYEING UP ANOTHER BIG BREAK

DOWN THE LINE

UCD suffered another setbackin their eircom League aspira-tions last Friday as they wentdown to Bohemians who keptup their hopes of a Europeanspot.

Goals from Fergal Harkin and Aidan

O’Keefe put the game beyond the stu-

dents before Patrick McWalter

grabbed a consolation goal.

Bohemians were fastest out of the

blocks with sustained pressure in the

first eight minutes including shots from

Aidan O’Keefe and John Paul Kelly.

Hard work from UCD brought them

into the game as an ambitious over-

head effort from Damien Dupuy and

another blocked effort from Anthony

Murphy signaled their increasing pres-

ence in the game.

Disaster struck after twenty five min-

utes when Brian Gannon was cruelly

dispossessed after some solid

defence. John Paul Kelly took hold of

the ball in the middle of the pitch and

made an incisive break up to the edge

of the penalty area where he offloaded

to Tony Grant who slid the ball on to

Fergal Harkin and he hit it low and

hard past Darren Quigley to the sheer

delight of the traveling crowd.

UCD tried to work their way back

into the game but messy passing and

poor decision making cost them dear-

ly. Damien Dupuy did however, come

close, hitting a long range shot just off

target after thirty minutes and Stephen

Hurley and Pat McWalter fell victim to

some brilliant last ditch defending, as

they both had good shots blocked.

Swift counter attacking from

Bohemians doubled the gap between

the two teams towards the end of the

first half. Fergal Harkin broke down the

right flank and fired in a cross which

found Aidan O’Keefe at the edge of the

box who slotted the ball between

Quigley’s legs.

UCD rallied and good shots by

Conor Kenna, Anthony Murphy and

Patrick McWalter forced saves from

Matthew Gregg before the break.

Bohemians made the first impres-

sions in the second half when early

claims for a handball in the penalty

were dismissed followed by a parried

shot and poorly executed corner.

The second half was shrouded in

controversy as UCD goalkeeper

Quigley was fortunate to escape disci-

plinary action when he stormed out of

his area and performed a lunging tack-

le on Stephen Ward which could well

have broken the striker’s legs. The ref-

eree deemed that Ward had dived and

punished him with a flash of the yellow

card.

With an hour of the match passed,

John Paul Kelly made another surging

break and tried to set Tony Grant

through but Quigley got up on the

attacker well. More pressure, forcing

saves from Quigley, were to follow

until UCD managed to relieve the

pressure as Robbie Martin was forced

to leave the field after colliding with

Matthew Gregg.

After a period of pressure from the

boys in blue, they got their names on

the scoreboard when the visitors’

defence blocked Stephen Hurley’s

free kick into the path of Patrick

McWalter who volleyed the ball low

and hard past the keeper.

Hopes of a come-back were short-

lived as Fergal Harkin beat two

defenders and drilled a low ball past

Quigley to close off the game with

another fine goal for the Dalymount

faithful.

2.11.0528 SPORT

UCD

BELFIELD PARK

BOHEMIANS

1

3

JAMES MOUNTJOY

FREE KICK: UCD LOOK TO CAPITALISE

PHOTO: RONAN COONEY

The UCD Superleague selectteam began their Oscar TraynorCup campaign with a narrowdefeat toOffaly/Westmeath/Laois (OWL)at Foster’s Avenue last Sundayafternoon.

Still getting to know each other as a

team, UCD began slowly and had to

deal with some tough early pressure

from OWL. In the early exchanges the

UCD midfield outfought the midlanders

comprehensively.

The situation was exacerbated when

the students lost David Mc Kensie from

midfield due to an injury in the tenth

minute. Despite his absence, it was the

students who fashioned the best

chance of the half in the seventeenth

minute.

Latching on to a clever ball from the

midfield, Shaun Mc Dermott skipped

past the left back and produced a fan-

tastic cross-field ball to the right-winger

Gary Ashe who cleverly cut back inside

the defender, but was foiled by the

onrushing goalkeeper before he could

get a decent shot away.

The thirty-fifth minute was shrouded

in controversy when a low cross came

in from the OWL left-winger, which Daz

Baggot sent towards his goalkeeper in

an attempt to cut out the cross. The

keeper instinctively picked it up and a

free-kick was awarded.

The UCD select side had every right

to feel aggrieved as the resulting kick

hit the target and led to a brave goal-

line clearance from Andrew Duignan.

Three minutes later, slack marking

from a corner led to OWL centre-half

Earl Gaylard being presented with a

glorious chance to put the visitors in

front, but the big defender powered his

header wide.

In the fortieth minute, casual play

from Baggot nearly led to a goal when

Colin Looby dispossessed him, but the

big striker blasted his shot wide.

OWL started the second half where

they left off the first with some pacey

build-up play. The OWL attackers con-

tinually started their runs too early and

were caught offside on numerous occa-

sions by the well-organised UCD back-

line.

Mc Dermott was lively and dropped

deep on a number of occasions to try

and influence the game but too often he

tried to manufacture quick one touch

passes, when holding the ball up and

waiting for support to arrive would pos-

sibly have been the better option.

In the fifty-fifth minute OWL made

their first change by bringing on winger

Robbie Hibbit. Full of running and with

good close control, he posed many

problems for the lively Duignan in the

fullback position and got to the bye-line

on many occasions.

A few minutes after his arrival, he put

a lovely ball through to Looby who

managed to stay onside, but was foiled

by some brave goalkeeping when

Nolan dived down to nick the ball away

from the striker.

Looby continued to press the

defence and his endeavour paid off on

the hour mark when he latched on to a

poor clearance to go racing through

with only the keeper to beat. He took

his time and drilled a low shot into the

bottom left-hand corner.

The students were to stage a fight

back however, and a lovely snapshot

from Brendan Tannam was turned

around the post by the goalkeeper.

With UCD on the offensive, the last

twenty minutes saw OWL press to

catch them on the break to give them a

cushion but poor finishing ensured it

never came.

Despite being under pressure for

large portions of the game it was a

decent, hard-working performance

from the students and they can take

many positives going into the next

game against a Wexford league selec-

tion on the 20th November.

Lady luck shines on Midlanders

Bohemian Rhapsody

UCD: Quigley, Gannon, O’Donnell,

Kenna, Hurley, McDonnell, Murphy,

Dicker, Martin, Dupuy, McWalter

Bohemians: Gregg, Rice, Hunt,

Oman, Harkin, Grant, Ward, Kenny,

Keddy, O’Keefe, Collins

UCD

FOSTER’S AVENUE

OWL

0

1

KEITH CLARGES

UCD: S. Nolan, A. Duignan, D.

Tannam, D. Baggot, N. Sherwin, D.

McKensie, G. Ashe, J. Tierney, B.

Tannam, S. McDermott, G. Doyle

OWL: P. Keogh, E. Matthews, W.

McGovern, G. Byrne, E. Gaylard, J.

Thornton, M. O’Brien, M. Fadian, C.

Looby, K. Keegan, M. Rafferty

eircom League Premier DivisionP W D L GD PTS

*Shamrock Rovers deducted eight points

28 19 6 3 30 63Cork City

29 19 6 4 26 63Derry City

29 17 6 6 27 57Shelbourne

29 10 12 7 7 42Drogheda Utd

28 12 6 10 1 42Bohemians

30 10 9 11 -5 39Longford Town

29 9 6 14 -13 33Bray Wanderers

30 6 11 13 -8 29St. Patrick’s Athletic

29 6 11 12 -14 29UCD

30 7 6 17 -21 27Waterford Utd

29 9 7 13 -14 26Shamrock Rover

30 5 6 19 -16 21Finn Harps

UCD were beaten away from home by the BelfastHarlquins last Saturday in the AIL League. College werebeaten by twelve points to seven in a game where theyhad hoped to avenge their defeat away to Lansdowne theweek before. The boys in blue will now be hoping tobounce back soon and get their season back on track.

RUGBY

UCD secured a very convincing 6-0 win over DCU in theiropening University League encounter. In a clinical secondhalf display in which they put five goals past their despon-dent opponents, they sent out a clear message of intentto the rest of their challengers.

The opening half provided little evidence of what was tocome as DCU acquitted themselves well and were per-haps unlucky to be 1-0 down following a Sean Fallonstrike.

They really turned on the style after the break thoughwith goals from Francis Moran, Ali Pickett, Dave O’Malleyand a second from Sean Fallon putting the gloss on thescore line. It will be interesting to see if they can maintain this

MENS SOCCER

The UCD ladies opening match of the division 2 seasonended in a one point defeat to St. Marys. It was a thor-oughly absorbing game with plenty of goal match action tokeep the spectators engrossed throughout.

They trailed by three points at half time and after con-ceding a goal in the early stages of the second, thingslooked very bleak. However, the girls demonstrated plen-

ty of fighting spirit and managed to worktheir way back into the match.

A terrific goal from AilishCornyn followed by two

points put the comebackvery much on the

cards. As the clockran agonisinglydown they could-n’t quite manageto get even butthey will beconfident ofgetting a winwhen they nextline up.

LADIES GAA

The mens team recently defeated Skerries 4-1 in a per-formance with plenty of attacking quality on display. Theyfollowed this up with a 1-1 draw away to Kilkenny whichwas an excellent result as they currently occupy secondspot.

These results lift UCD to fifth positionand in a positive frame of mind beforetheir clash with Bray on Nov 12.

The ladies first team squadhad very contrasting results intheir last two fixtures; goingdown 3-1 to Loretto beforebouncing back to triumphover Clontarf 4-1. Theyare in seventh positionat the moment and willhope to improve uponthis standing when theyface Hermes on Nov5th.

HOCKEY

standard over the course of the campaign as they have certainly

hit the ground running.

SPORT IN BRIEF COMPILED BYHARRY SMYTH

2.11.05 29SPORT

With the heart-breaking eventsof the past month on the inter-national stage, as Ireland failedto qualify for the World Cup,morale levels of many Irish soc-cer fans look to have hit arecord low.

Some critics are suggesting the

future of the sport in this country is a

glum one. A handful of talented individ-

uals desperate for success are, how-

ever, out to prove the cynics wrong.

Dublin-born Gary Dicker, over the

past year and a half, has quietly been

building a strong reputation as one of

UCD’s, and in fact the eircom

League’s, hottest prospects.

At schoolboy level, alongside

Sheffield United’s Stephen Quinn

(younger brother of Alan) he mar-

shalled the midfield of Paul Somers’

Cherry Orchard side that dominated

the DDSL for a number of years.

After trials with a couple of clubs

across the water including Crewe

Alexandra, Dicker and three of his

team mates were snapped up by the

Belfield outfit.

Getting to terms with the demands

of his new club surprisingly fast, he

made the step up, and soon cemented

his name onto the team sheet.

Extremely head-strong and composed,

his own achievements haven’t

shocked the Firhouse man in the least.

“While I didn’t expect to get into the

team as soon as I did, one of the rea-

sons I came here was because I knew

I’d be given a chance.”

With the team now lying comfortably

above the relegation battle, Premier

Division football is on

the cards for yet anoth-

er season. UCD’s sta-

tus of instability looks

to be at an end as the

boys in blue look

ahead to another year

in the eircom League.

“Avoiding the drop

was obviously the

main thing, and we’ve

done that. But I feel we

were very unlucky in

quite a few games, and

maybe we’ve under-

achieved.”

He is also adamant

that UCD will improve,

and that their League

Cup final appearance

will not be a one-off.

“If we keep every-

one and bring in one or

two more quality play-

ers, I don’t see any

reason why we should-

n’t be in and around

the top. We may have

been seen in the past

as a club who are

happy enough just to

be here, but make no

mistake we want to win

things.”

There’s no surprise then, that his

most memorable moment of the sea-

son was beating last year’s League

Champions Shelbourne 2-1 in the

Semi-finals of the Cup.

Dicker insists UCD are as big a club

as any in Ireland, and strongly dis-

agrees with views that they’re simply a

feeder club for the big guns.

“I honestly don’t think many of us

would leave here for another eircom

League team. We’ve got it all- quality

facilities, an excellent managing staff,

and most importantly, a strong team

spirit.”

With a string of consistent perform-

ances, and rumours that Tranmere

have been keeping an eye on things, it

may be only a matter of time before we

see him command the centre of the

park for a British outfit. If handed the

opportunity, there’s no doubt in his

mind as to what he do.

“If the right move came along, I’d

jump at it. Playing at the top in England

and hopefully getting a shot with my

country is every footballer’s dream. I’m

no different.”

GARY DICKER: FIRES AN EFFORT AT GOAL FOR UCD

PHOTO: RONAN COONEY

Ben Blake speaks to UCD and Irish international star Gary Dicker about UCDfootball, playing for Ireland Under 21’s and the lure of British football

Not content to just tick over

The whistle at his lips. A short, yet sharputterance was all it was. Euphoria. One ofthose defining moments.

The flood of players and fans that engulfed the

pitch nearly swallowed Michael ‘Babs’ Keating

whole. But he stood his ground. Parting his lips for

the most composed glimmer of a smile. Lost some-

where in the moment.

“It’s obviously a great night for us. I never thought

I’d see the day when we’d be playing a county final

under lights.” History in the making indeed. One of

hurling’s most loved sons witnessing the dawn of a

new era. Happy of course to be seeing it with a win-

ner’s medal firmly in hand after a classy yet solid

and professional performance.

“Vincents are like the old traditional team in

Dublin, they don’t die easily and we knew that com-

ing. I thought we played with a great discipline

tonight which was important for us, so we’re

through Dublin now which is great.”

Hurling is a game that is steeped in glory and

mythology. A game that was meant for men but is

played by giants. Where leaders must come to the

fore. They must take charge. Hurlers like influential

midfielder Bryan Barry who hustled and bustled

through the centre of the park all night long. Driving

the war machine forward. Then victory came. And

he stood still to soak it up.

“It’s fantastic. It’s as good as last year if not bet-

ter. Vincent’s are a great team, very tough and

good hurlers to match as well. We’re delighted to

win and hopefully we’ll go on and do Dublin hurling

proud and win the club championship for them.

“Any championship is difficult to win, and you

know we’re not training regularly together during

the summer and it makes it that little bit harder. But

in saying that, it’s a great place to win a hurling

match, it’s a great occasion, we did ourselves

proud out there. There was great discipline, great

character shown by the players against a real

strong side of class hurlers; the Fallon brothers,

Mossy McGrane, all those lads, they’re the top

quality hurlers who’d make any team in the country

and we’re delighted to come through it.”

UCD director of GAA Dave Billings was also on

hand to enjoy the occasion. “It was a great achieve-

2.11.0530 SPORT

On top of the worldColin Gleeson gauges post-match reaction and provides analysis to the Dublin SHC Final

SIDELINE CUT: EAMON RYAN LAUNCHES ANOTHER LONG ONE INTO THE SQUARE

ment to win two in a row; the team have worked

very very hard. We played eleven matches in

last years Dublin Championship and eleven this

year as well as the Leinster club, and I was wor-

ried that we mightn’t have had the hunger but

the fellas kept turning up and putting in the

work.

“And you know there was controversy about

UCD playing in the Dublin Championships, like

UCC playing in Cork but there’s not a lot we can

do about it, we just play by the rules, we think

we play good hurling, we think we contribute

something to hurling, but we like to win as well.”

But before the sun rises on a new era it must

first set on the old. UCD’s beloved Babs

Keating is to now left his post and taken charge

of the Tipperary County hurling team. A man

who has brought so much to UCD sport accord-

ing to Billings.

“Babs is a legend in GAA. Babs is a hurling

and a football man and he loves sport and every-

body knows him. We’re so fortunate to have him

and he comes out and does it totally voluntary.

There’s not one penny for Babs, because honest-

ly we don’t have it and he doesn’t be looking for

it. But he’s great, he’s won two all-Irelands with

Tipperary as a manager and three as a player,

what can you say.”

Not a lot more than that perhaps but Bryan

Barry also had kind words for his coach at the

final whistle in what was a swansong for the leg-

endry Babs Keating. “Babs is a good man alright,

he has great advice to give all the players. He

knows exactly what he wants and he gets the

most out of every player.

“We have so much to

thank him for, we can

never repay him but hope-

fully he’ll go on and he’ll do

Tipperary hurling a lot of

justice this year, and hope-

fully he’ll stick with us for

the rest of the campaign

aswell, I’m sure he will.”

Babs will now look for-

ward to seeing UCD hurling

move from strength to

strength in order to exor-

cise the demons of last

years Leinster

Championship final where the Kilkenny champi-

ons won with a controversial point that never

was.

“That’s what we’ll try to do. Naturally

enough you’re always aggrieved when

there’s an injustice done. Now I would like to

think that I’m the best loser in the business

because I’ve a good bit of practice at losing, as

well as a good bit of practice at winning, but

nobody minds when there’s fair play involved.

“Now we didn’t get fair play last year and if they

want to introduce a handicap system, introduce it

but let’s be clear about it.”

The flame still burning deep inside him. The

will to win. His willingness to go down with the

ship should his fate be so.

Bryan Barry and the rest of the panel stand on

a similar footing as they look to improve on last

years final reckonings. “We’ve a little score to settle

with the Kilkenny champions if we get there and hope-

fully we will get there and have another crack at them.

“First and foremost we’ve the Meath champions

and you underestimate them at your peril, anything

can happen on the day. And you know if we were to

lose to them, it would be an insult to all the Dublin

teams. I’m not disparaging Meath hurling at all but we

should really take it on from here, take it team by team

and we should do everybody that we’ve played along

the way justice.”

Of course a great day for UCD. But with success

comes expectation. And

it’s all to do yet.

“ ”We didn’t get fair play last year andif they want to introduce ahandicap system, introduce itbut let’s be clear about it

“

”

It’s fantastic. It’sas good as lastyear if not bet-ter. Vincent’s area great team,very toughand goodhurlerstomatch

PH

OT

O:

CO

LIN

GL

EE

SO

N

UCD celebrated last Friday’s CountyFinal crown by booking a second roundglamour tie with Birr in the LeinsterSenior Hurling Championship with acomfortable victory over Meath champi-ons Killyon at a blustery Parnell Park lastSunday afternoon.

After some scrappy opening exchanges, the

students settled into their groove and it was Friday

night’s hero Pa Morrissey who cropped up again

to put College into the lead with two well taken

points inside the first couple of minutes.

Killyon appeared out of their depth in the early

stages as UCD knocked the ball from one side of

the field to the other and tapped points over the

bar at will.

John O’Connor and Brendan Murphy all took

scores but it was Tipperary’s Morrissey who was

particularly instrumental for the students as he

scored five of UCD’s opening six points including

a remarkable seventy metre free.

It took over eleven minutes for the Meath side

to register a score when James Mitchell took

advantage of some uncharacteristicly sloppy

defending from the Dublin side to put the ball over

the bar from close range.

The boys in blue were in charge and enjoying

an eleven point lead when matters went from bad

to worse for the visitors as a superb sideline cut

from Morrissey found O’Connor who fired his

effort into the back of the net for UCD’s first goal

of the afternoon.

Killyon failed to get another score before the

break and it was the boys in blue who turned the

screw and ran their opponents ragged in order to

lead 1-16 to 0-1 at half-time.

UCD manager Babs Keating appeared belated-

ly on the sideline after a match with Tipperary to

bolster College morale at this point. The Tipperary

native subsequently decided to take Morrissey off

with the game now beyond doubt.

UCD continued to humiliate the men from

Meath midway through the second half which cul-

minated in a second goal from Redmond Barry

who drove the ball past the hapless Stephen

Quinn between the posts to open up a twenty-four

point lead.

The visitors did however send the travelling

contingent into raptures with a consolation goal

from Mark Gannon with two minutes to go. The joy

was short-lived however as UCD went on to clinch

a third goal before the final whistle.

College are now set to face a classy Birr side in

the second round who are sure to give the stu-

dents a sterner test than that of the Meath outfit.

UCD director of GAA Dave Billings stated after

the game that the students did well to win their

second match in three days despite the quality of

opposition. “We played a championship final on

Friday, we played the previous three weeks in a

row.

“It was a huge advantage to us once our atti-

tude was right, and we treated the Meath champi-

ons with the same respect as we treat the cham-

pions from any other county and we expect to be

treated that way as well. We went out to do a job

and to win the game and we’re just looking for-

ward to our next game in the championship now.

“We have Birr here in two weeks. Every game is

a hard game, we treat everybody with respect.

The players they have and the team spirit. It’s a

great honour for our players to be playing against

a team like Birr. We hope to be able to keep up

with them.”

3-25UCDPARNELL PARK

1-03KILLYON

COLIN GLEESON

2.11.05 31SPORT

BRENDAN MURPHY: TAKING ON HIS MAN

PHOTO: COLIN GLEESON

Students meet expectation in dominant win

UCD: Brian Campion, Dara Walton, Mick Fitzgerald, Eddie

Campion, Brian Hogan, Sean Cummins, Diarmaid

Fitzgerald, Eamon O’Gorman, Colm Everard, Pa

Morrissey, Brian Phelan, John McCarthy, John O’Connor,

Brendan Murphy, Tommy Fitzgerald

Killyon: Stephen Quinn, Michael Ryan, Brian Perry,

David Mitchell, Patrick Ryan, Ray McKeown, JJ

Gilsenan, Johnny Mitchell, Noel Davis, Mark Gannon,

Calvin Ryan, Clayton Keegan, Padraig McKeown,

Ambrose Connolly, James Mitchell

UCD Marian go through the Hoops

UCD Marian survived a late fightback at the Sports Centre lastSaturday night against a distinct-ly average Hoops team, to go topof the Men’s Nivea Superleaguefor a day.

The students went into the game with

the momentum after a comprehensive

cup victory over Neptune last weekend.

It was they who looked to take the game

by the scruff of the neck during the early

stages as they held possession well with

crisp passing and lethal finishing.

The most significant difference in what

was an otherwise balanced equation in

the game, was the presence of Irish

International Lorcan Precious in the

UCD shirt. The UCD man finished the

game with an impressive forty-six points and

always seemed to be at the heart of College’s

offensive play, while also breaking up the Rovers

play when they found themselves in possession.

Precious appeared to be in his element as the

game approached half-time. He terrorised the

Hoops’ defence with mazy runs riddled with twists

and turns before pivoting this way and that. His fin-

ishing was world class as he found the basket

from all areas of the court.

His creative play was flawless as he picked his

passes and found his man without exception. The

boys in blue began to pull away at this point with

a moment of magic from Precious putting ten

points between the teams as he shimmied his way

to and fro and left opponents for dead before

scooping the ball into the net from almost behind

the basket. UCD Marian went in at half-time with a

lead of 58 points to 41.

With six minutes remaining in the game the stu-

dents held a twenty three point lead. The Hoops’

fight-back now began to gather momentum as

they battled hard and took their scores in style.

Despite the late rally, UCD Marian hung on for an

important but hard-fought victory.

After the game, Keenan stated that, “It was very

hard work but it was always going to sloppy. We

played well I’d say for about twenty minutes. It

looked like we weren’t going to lose, but we just

got a bit sloppy there towards the end.”

Damion Moberly saw the

game as physically quite

tough, but nonetheless a

productive nights work. “My

body is killing me right now

man. It was really rough;

especially in front.They got

some big guys, strong

guys.

“We’re top of the league

now. So far so good but it’s

still early days. Hoops

aren’t exactly one of the top

teams even though they’re

scrappy, so we have to see

what we can do against the

likes of Limerick, Demons

obviously, Ballina are play-

ing well.”

Moberly also recognised

the influence of Precious

and Nate Lufkin amongst

others after the game, “I

think Lorcan had a good

game. Nate also stood out

to me. I’ve been waiting for him to sort out proper

progression as far as dunking the ball, lining the

basket, blocking shots; he really set the game up.

“But Lorcan played extremely well for us too, so

both of those guys were key and of course our

Irish guys, I can’t stress enough how important our

Irish guys are.”

Precious was well aware as the hooter sound-

ed, that the boys in blue had recorded a valuable

result, but that there is still work to be done if the

team is to be in the reckoning at the right end of

the league come the end of the season.

“It was a great win, so that puts us to two wins

out of three, back to winning ways so that’s good.

They were a little down, they were resting a cou-

ple of their players and we had to take advantage

of it, so we stayed focused and got the job done.

“They fought all the way; I think we actually let

up a little bit. We got a big lead and then we let up,

and that’s something we have to work on, staying

focused for the whole forty-four minutes.”

LORCAN PRECIOUS: CREATING FROM THE BACK OF THE COURT

PHOTO: COLIN GLEESON

UCD MARIAN

SPORTS CENTRE

HOOPS

113

101

UCD Marian: C. Meaney, Precious, K. Meaney,

Cahill, Moberly, Boyle, Glover, Crudden, N. Meany,

Randolph, Lufkin, Foley

Hoops: Abnert, Cathcart, Haastrup, Kinevane,

Knox, McAuley, McLoughlin, McMillan, O’Reilly,

Obukwelu, Pereira, Statum, White, Wilson

P PTS

3 6Limerick

2 4UCC Demons

1 2Tigers

3 2Neptune

2 0Gleneagle Lakers

P PTSNORTH CONFERENCE

4 6Merry Monk Ballina

3 4UCD Marian

4 4Roma St. Vincents

3 2Shamrock Rovers Hoops

3 0MDS Star

2 0DART Killester

SOUTH CONFERENCE

MEN’S NIVEA SUPERLEASUPERLEAGUEGUE

COLIN GLEESON

GARY DICKERIRELAND, UCD &

THE FUTUREEXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW - PAGE 29

CHAMPIONS AGAIN: UCD HURLERS CELEBRATE A WELL DESERVED COUNTY FINAL VICTORY

MARIAN SENDHOOPS PACKING

BASKETBALLNIVEA SUPERLEAGUE - PAGE 31

16.10.05

Firecrackers exploded in the per-fect nights sky above ParnellPark last Friday night as UCDbrought home the Senior DublinHurling Championship for thesecond year in a row.

The students appeared worthy of the

favourites tag as the game got under-

way with John O’Connor firing the first

point of the game over the bar from dis-

tance after just fourteen seconds. It was

a sign of things to come for Vincents

who would struggle to cope with

College’s superior attacking engine

throughout the game.

In what was a final send-off for leg-

endry coach Michael ‘Babs’ Keating

who is heading back to manage his

native Tipperary. The boys in blue dis-

played hurling that was indicative of the

gulf in class between the two sides, with

UCD boasting a large number of Inter-

County stars.

Vincents, as expected, battled hard

during the opening sparring and shared

ten points with the students in the open-

ing eleven minutes, and succeeded in

levelling the game on three occasions.

Despite the early zeal from the under-

dogs, the students would never trail

them throughout the game.

The lustre of the UCD hurlers was to

shine through the brute force of their

opponents when Tipperary man Pa

Morrissey slipped the ball through to

Brendan Murphy who used all the expe-

rience of having played in a Senior All-

Ireland Final with Offaly, to blast the ball

past the helpless Dave Feehan on four-

teen minutes.

Tensions began to boil over at

Parnell Park in front of healthy crown of

two thousand directly after the goal.

UCD’s Stephen Lucey was shown the

yellow card in the twenty-fifth minute

after a twenty-man brawl by the side-

line. Despite six first half wides,

Vincents went in at half time trailing by

just 1-7 to 0-7, thanks to points from

Niall Bishop and the brilliant Mossie

McGrane.

The men from Marino tore at the stu-

dents as the second half got underway

as they tried to break down the resolute

UCD defence. It was the holders how-

ever, who raced further ahead after

moving up a gear to score four unan-

swered points.

With the showpiece looking like all

would go according to the script,

Dubliner Damien Russell launched a

sideline cut towards the goal from forty

metres and added a twist to the tale as

Brian Campion between the posts

allowed the ball to drop into the back of

the net.

The Vincents foil in such a script was

to be UCD’s outstanding player on the

night, Pa Morrissey. The Tipperary

native instantly pegged them back with

a deflected free from the forty-five,

which spun wickedly into the net to

restore UCD’s seven point lead.

It was the first of two killer blows as

the boys in blue took the pretenders by

the jugular and put the game beyond

reasonable doubt. It was another

Tipperary man, Tommy Fitzgerald, look-

ing to impress his new county manager

on the sideline as he raced through the

defence before blasting the ball into the

corner of the net for College’s second

goal in as many minutes.

With matters wrapped up and the rib-

bons fluttering on the cup, Babs Keating

decided to take off key players Bryan

Barry and Tommy Fitzgerald with one

eye fixed on last Sundays Leinster

Championship game against Meath

champions Killyon.

Vincents were then to muster a late

consolation goal as McGrane capped a

great solo run with an emphatic finish to

put a touch of gloss on a frustrating

nights work.

The holders were never threatened

however, and will look to the season

ahead in buoyant mood as they

endeavour to make a mends for last

seasons devastating and controversial

exit at the hands of All-Ireland champi-

ons Kilkenny in the final of the Leinster

Championship.

UCDPARNELL PARK

3-13 2-10ST. VINCENTS

COLIN GLEESON

PHOTO: COLIN GLEESON

UCD: B. Campion, D. Walton, M. Fitzgerald,

E. Campion, E. Ryan, B. Hogan, D.

Fitzgerald, B. Barry (B.Buckley 52mins), C.

Everard (R. Barry, Half-Time), S. Lucey, B.

Phelan, P. Morrissey, B. Murphy, T.

Fitzgerald (P. Lyng 55mins), J. O’ Connor

(J. McCarthy 48mins)

St. Vincents: D. Feehan, R. Trainor, T.

Russell, C. Billings (W. Lowry 21mins), S O’

Neill, R. Fallon, C. Meehan (C. Goulding

55mins), C. Fallon, R. Brennan, N. Bishop,

D. Russell, G. Boyle (D. Connolly 37mins),

S. Loughlin, S. McHugh (D. Heffernan

50mins), T. McGrane

30>POST MATCH

ANALYSIS

31>HURLINGREPORT

SPORTUCD MAKE HISTORY UCD MAKE HISTORY