1

Shame: the hidden threat to student success

Introduction

A number of factors join together to prevent some students

from achieving the goal of completing their education. One

factor, the effect of shame, often overlooked, may be useful in

explaining why some students fail in spite of educators’ efforts

to mentor and encourage them. Shame is a useful construct in

this discussion because it deeply affects those parts of the

human experience that feel conflicted, discomfiting and not

easily accessible to consciousness. Everyone knows what it is

like to feel shame, yet it is an experience not easily described.

Those in the grip of shame feel exposed, weak, unworthy, etc.

Shame is triggered any time interest or pleasure is impeded and

the reason for the pleasurable experience remains. To explain by

example: a freshman student, newly enjoying the freedom to

experiment with novel and exciting social experiences, accepts an

invitation to a party, drinks to excess, has a sexual encounter

with someone who is a virtual stranger, wakes up with a vicious

hangover, misses class and fails a quiz in the class s/he does

attend. The experience – intoxication, sexual pleasure – is

impeded by the consequence – shame. Yet, the stimulus for the

positive experience does not disappear: the alcohol is just as

potent and the object of sexual satisfaction remains just as

alluring. But now the positive feelings are now tinged with the

sense of shame as the student realizes that the behavior has

resulted in consequences s/he would rather others (especially

authority figures like parents and professors) not know about.

It is not difficult to see how these behaviors can spiral into a

negative final outcome. The question for advisors and student

mentors is how to promote student success without triggering

shame experiences when students invariably make unwise choices.

Related concepts of self-confidence, self-efficacy and student

success will be defined

and explored and suggestions offered as they relate to shame as

an impediment to student success.

Shame: a definition

Miller (1985) identified five feeling-states of shame: 1)

feeling inferior; 2) feeling undone and exposed; 3) feeling

forced into a debased position; 4) feeling constantly judged or

in a negative spotlight; and, 5) guilt, the feeling that one has

violated or failed to live up to a standard. Shame can lead to

emotional, psychological, social and academic maladjustment

(Lansky, 1999). Lewis (1971) pinpoints the source of shame in

internalized aggression that, after escaping repression, is

expressed in cycles alternating between shame and rage. This

cycle may explain why some otherwise good students may fail.

Shame and rage, only dimly internally experienced by the

individual, will cause that individual to behave in self-

destructive ways that are often reinforced by college life,

especially on those campuses known for being “party-friendly.”

Few on such campuses brag about practicing conscientious study

habits; they hope instead to be accepted by a desired social

group. Nathanson (1992) notes particularly the connection

between shame and sex, as sexuality leaves humans exposed and

vulnerable; naked people have no place to hide. Developmentally

speaking, both males and females are susceptible to shame around

issues of sexuality. One, they are often experimenting with new

freedoms of sexual expression which may leave them doubtful,

shaky and uncertain. Two, young women and young men alike feel

pressured to present a specimen of physical perfection to their

partners. And, three, the first year of college is one in which

those who are uncertain about their sexuality may experiment with

homosexuality or lesbianism, another behavior which can

contribute to the shame cycle if they believe others will judge

them negatively. Phillips (2009) says, “People want safety,

whatever the cost (p. 12).

Self-confidence: a definition

Self- confidence can be seen as a three-pronged set of

necessary and sufficient conditions consisting of internal locus

of control, a sense of belonging and acceptance, and a sense of

competence and self-efficacy (Shindler & Jones, 2009). Internal

locus of control is defined as the belief that events in one’s

life, whether good or bad, are caused by controllable factors

such as one’s attitude, preparation, and effort (Grinnell, 2009).

The sense of belonging and acceptance relates to one’s comfort in

relating to others and feeling part of a desired group (Fleming &

Courtney, 1984; Gallahue & Donnelly, 2009). The sense of

competence and self-efficacy is explained well in the work of

Bandura (2002). He refers to a belief in one’s own capabilities

that encompasses three arenas: cognitive, motivational and mood.

In the cognitive arena, the person with a well-developed sense of

self-efficacy has high aspirations, can see the “big picture,”

looks for challenges, and experiences a high level of commitment

to life projects. In the motivational arena, such persons set

realistic but ambitious goals, feel optimistic, formulate plans,

and follow through. Lastly, the mood of the self-efficacious

individual is demonstrated by a belief in personal ability and

the employment of effective self-calming strategies in times of

stress. These individuals believe in their ability to cope and

be successful; therefor, they are more likely to take risks and

to believe they will overcome obstacles. Self-efficacious

individuals create environments in which they are able to

exercise a reasonable amount of control over the outcome of their

endeavors. Interestingly, such individuals need not

4

accomplish deeds of enormous import in order to demonstrate self-

efficacy, rather the key determinant is for the individual to

perceive him/herself as effective. Such people are less likely

to feel threatened by distressing events and likewise less prone

to worry and anxiety (Bandura, 2001). Individuals displaying

high levels of self-efficacy allow others to supply incentives

and resources, model the good examples they witness from others

and persevere in the face of setbacks.

Bandura writes:

Research shows that what causes distress is not the sheer

frequency of negative thoughts but the inability to turn

them off. People with high self-efficacy are able to relax,

divert their attention, calm themselves, and seek support

from friends, family, and others. For someone who is

confident of getting relief in these ways, anxiety and

sadness are easier to tolerate (2001, p. 4).

Self-esteem: a definition

Others say, similarly, that self-esteem is usually

considered to be a trait depicting a person’s reflexive self-

evaluation relating to convictions of self-worth and self-liking

(Gist & Mitchell, 1992).

Mruk (2006) presents self-esteem as consisting of a sense of

competence and worthiness. He briefly but eloquently states:

Self-esteem is the lived status of one’s competence at

dealing with the challenges of living in a worthy way over

time (p. 42).

5

The best known, most reliable and valid self-esteem

instrument was developed by Morris Rosenberg in 1965; the

Rosenberg Scale is a 10-item survey widely used in self-esteem

research. It is considered the most concrete measurement as it is

not open to interpretation and the results are easily recordable.

The questions may be found at the conclusion of this article (see

Appendix), and respondents are asked to answer the questions based

on a Likert scale ranging from Strongly disagree; disagree;

agree; strongly agree:

Operational definitions of self-esteem which do not refer to

such measurements as the Rosenberg Scale, however, have proven to

be inconclusive (Demo, 1985). Other instruments

6

that rely solely upon self-report have been deemed problematic

since such a concept does not lend itself easily to

operationalizing, which is usually a quantifying exercise. (Wells

& Maxwell, 1976). However, the vast body of research on self-

esteem has given field related to psychology some generally

agreed-upon working and operational definitions.

Self-efficacy beliefs and shame

One predictor of student success is the degree to which a

student believes that she or he can succeed. (Bandura et al,

2001). Realistic self-confidence, the belief in one’s personal

capabilities (self-efficacy), and a sense of purpose are key

(Bandura, 1997, Baldwin et al 2006, Damon, 2008). The self-

confident student will exhibit highly effective practices such as

attending class, being prepared, participating in class

discussions, managing time well, getting connected to others,

engaging in undergraduate research, etc. (Doyle, 2011). Too

often, however, students arrive underprepared for the challenges

of higher education. (Leamnson, 1999, Doyle, 2011). Some

students report that they are not held as accountable for their

learning in high school as their college professors expect and

require, and their confidence is undermined when they see their

first poor grades (Chickering & Schlossberg, 1995). They may

think, “I haven’t lived up to my potential;” or “My parents will

be so disappointed in me.” Such shame-based thoughts are poison

to self-confidence. Worse, those in shame states tend to hide

these thoughts and feelings from others who might be able to help

them, which leads to more shame and more confidence erosion which

results in a destructive negative spiral (Lewis, 1971, Nathanson,

1987, Nichols 1992, Nathanson, 2003,). These students have paid

the price of overconfidence insofar as high school policies allow

them to re-take tests or re-do assignments until they get the

grade they want; their inflated grade point averages may lead

them to believe they are more capable than they actually are

(Hadwin & Webster, 2013). Unfortunately for them, such students

do not become aware of their overconfidence until it overtakes

them in a way they experience as humiliating. Many students

react to this shaming experience by hiding or by giving up

(Nathanson, 2003). Academic advisors long ago learned to ask for

specifics when questioning new students about their high school

grades and instead look up SAT scores and class rank to get a

more realistic idea of how academically equipped the student is.

In good conscience, an advisor cannot steer a student toward a

challenging major unless there is a reasonable assumption that

the student will succeed. There is a big difference between the

student who earned high marks in Chemistry through interest and

purposeful work, for example, than one who earned those marks as

a result of repeating exams several times. Which student would

any reasonable person prefer to be their nurse or pharmacist?

However, many students are able to embrace the idea that

they can have some influence over and control in their

environments; Bandura (2002) refers to it as a sense of “personal

agency.” Those who can be persuaded to believe that people are

contributors to their life circumstances and not just products of

them are those who can reverse the shame attitude and embrace the

challenges they will surely face as learning and growth

opportunities (Schlossburg, 1981; Bandura, 2006).

Self-confidence and student engagement

Miller & Murray (2005) identify several factors that help

explain the high number of academically unprepared and disengaged

students who enter college: personal autonomy, self-

8

confidence, inability to deal with racism, study behaviors and

social competence are as important as lack of preparedness. High

school students where testing is emphasized learn to value grades

over learning. Being forced to take lengthy standardized tests so

often also demoralizes students since the reasons why they must

continuously take these tests are not understood. The current

lack of student engagement may, in part, arise from a lack of

perceived meaning in the work students are required to do in

school for when educators are required to “teach to the test”

there is little room left for what makes learning engaging. In

this climate, it is not unusual for students to see little

resemblance to what they are asked to do in school and what they

hope to do with their lives (Damon, 2008). Such students are

more likely to express cynicism, to experience stress and

boredom, and to distract themselves with pleasurable but self-

destructive activities. The consequences of these attitudes and

activities is often a feeling of shame and concomitant drop in

self-esteem.

Psychological consequences of shame

The disengaged and shamed student is also at risk for

psychological disturbances like depression, anxiety disorders and

low self-esteem, which in turn negatively affect student success

(Mruk, 2006). Such disorders may be said to be motivated, in

part, by a sense that one is unworthy, less than, unlovable

(Nathanson, 1987, 1992, Nichols, 1992, Brown, 2006). With the

rise of social media, students’ lives are very public and

students are highly connected to one another (Weimar, 2013).

Every social media post has the power to induce a sense of

unworthiness (Scheff, 1990) in a college age person for there is

always someone who is doing something that seems more interesting

than what you are doing at that moment. The constant contact

seems to have risen almost to an obsession. In most classrooms,

the use of phones is forbidden; yet, students will risk a lower

grade or public embarrassment in order to keep checking their

phones to see who might be paying attention to them and thus

validating their worth (Lewis, 1987c, Weimar, 2013). As is well-

known in psychology, those with an external locus of control have

a constant need for the kind of external validation outside

approval can provide (Wallston et al, 1976; Ajzen, 2002; Brown,

2004). And that external validation is never sufficient.

Students succeed in college, for example, not just because

they believe they can influence (control) desired

educational outcomes, but also because of their abilities to

monitor their progress and to modify their actions in the

face of failure (Perry, R.P. et al 2005).

But when students are disengaged, and have experienced

shame-inducing inferior performance during their transition to

college, what strategies can advisors employ to inspire hope and

improve realistic self-confidence? Because the literature on

shame is copious, a thorough discussion of shame theory is

unrealistic; however, understanding some aspects of shame theory

can be helpful as part of a toolkit to explicate why certain

advisor behaviors can be helpful in student retention and

success.

How shame hides

Lewis (1971) locates the source of shame in internalized

aggression. She makes an important distinction between shame and

guilt which is important to keep in mind when exploring the

reasons behind academic failures with students. What stimulates

shame varies: aggression (especially toward those against whom

the subject is powerless), defeat, disappointment and failure.

Conversely, only misdeeds evoke guilt. What is more, misdeeds

can be atoned for and, as a result, the guilt can be assuaged and

effectively made to disappear. Shame, however, is a hidden

emotion and carries with it the following many possible internal

experiences or feeling states: the feeling that one is unlovable,

undeserving, ugly, puny, weak, powerless, incapable, out of

control, etc. It is often accompanied by the wish to disappear,

to be swallowed up, and to believe the truth of others’ negative

judgments (Abrams, 1990). In his early work with Josef Breuer,

Sigmund Freud (1893/1955) spoke about shame as a basic emotion

against which we defend ourselves vigorously. He emphasized the

relational and social context; people fear the revelation of

something ugly about themselves to someone else. Behaviors

people who suffer from an excess of shame might exhibit include

avoiding friends, self-isolation, non-responsiveness to offers of

friendship or help, poor self-care, inability to self-advocate or

set limits with intruding others, and passivity (Tangney &

Dearing 2003). Such students are quite difficult to aid as they

avoid identifying themselves by virtue of the tendency to hide

one’s shame; therefor, they rarely seek out advisors, mentors or

counselors. Brown (2012) identifies silence, secrecy and

negative self-judgment as the tools of shame.

Case Study

A female sophomore student, call her “Sunny,” was referred

by the Academic Dean for help in transitioning back into

university after academic dismissal. In high school, she had

earned an average well above 90 all four years, had a leading

role in the school play, performed solos as a member of an elite

choir, had numerous friends, earned athletic awards in two

sports, and was dating a popular and highly musically-talented

boy. She accepted an athletic scholarship at a college located a

3-hour drive from home. During the first semester, her grades

plummeted, she became clinically depressed, and her parents

withdrew her from school. During our first meeting, she

explained how she was a failure and wondered out loud why I would

want to have anything to do with her. She represented herself as

ugly (though she was actually quite lovely), worthless, and a

supreme disappointment to her parents, who had given her

“everything, unconditionally.” Over a few meetings, she filled

in her story with details. She described her parents as “very

loving, very involved,” but eventually revealed that they

demanded perfection of her in every aspect of her life. If she

made a good grade, they asked who in the class had made a better

one. If she scored a goal in field hockey, they demanded to know

why she had not scored two. When she was first-runner-up in the

beauty pageant, they were openly disappointed in her that she had

not won. When she ran her fastest mile, they said she could have

run faster still if she had “really tried.” Because they

believed that her boyfriend was not the “right sort” of boy for

her, they forbid her to speak to him on her cell phone or to

allow him to ride in her car since they paid for those

conveniences. They followed her at random times in order to

assure themselves that she was not meeting him. Gradually,

Sunny began to see that her parents controlled her by means of

shame and she realized that she had internalized their negative

judgments. She further revealed that she was so ashamed of

failing out of college that she had cut herself off from friends.

She feared that those who had formerly sought her out would now

avoid her since she had ignored their invitations and calls once

she had returned home. She said, “Why shouldn’t they hate me

now? I’m a big, fat failure and a lousy friend as well. But I

can’t let them find out what really happened. I couldn’t stand

it. Better I disappear than that they know the truth about me.”

Sunny’s self-assessment dovetails with Brown’s observation

that those in the grip of shame states use silence, secrecy and

judgment as coping tools to avoid exposure. Sunny’s core issues

were fear, self-loathing, disengagement and the need to hide

(Brown, 2012).

Sunny badly needed to develop the skills and self-esteem to

extract herself from the shame spiral. Her presentation in our

advising sessions fit Brown’s schema; she wished for her life to

change but lacked the ability to take the first steps, mainly

because she was convinced she did not deserve to feel better.

Sunny followed up on her advisor’s suggestions that she seek

psychotherapy at the university’s counseling center, have regular

meetings with an academic coach, enroll in the university’s

first-year experience seminar, and apply for financial aid in

hopes of moving out of her parents’ home and onto campus. In

advising meetings, Appreciative Advising, a strengths-based,

reciprocal-relationship approach, proved to be successful

(Palmer, 2009). In the Appreciative Advising model, the

following prescribed strategies are displayed in a pie chart for

easy explication of how the model was used in application to the

case study.

The Six Phases

Disarm

The Disarm phase involves making a positive first impression

with students and allaying any fear or suspicion they might have

of meeting with the advisor. In Sunny’s case, the advisor’s

warmth, empathy and acceptance were key in establishing rapport

in the first advising session. The advisor made it clear that

she believed Sunny had potential and that her negative self-

assessment was not accurate.

Discover

The Discover phase is spent continuing to build rapport with

students and learning about the students’ strengths, skills, and

abilities through utilizing effective and positive open-ended

questions that encourages narratives. That the advisor

encouraged Sunny to tell her story, and that the story was truly

heard and valued helped Sunny to expand the narrative and deepen

the advising relationship. Sunny discovered some truths about

herself that she had discounted: that she was, in fact, a good

athlete, could be an excellent student, and did have some musical

talent.

Dream

The Dream phase involves uncovering students’ hopes and

dreams for the future. As Sunny’s family had openly ridiculed

her dreams, this phase was most problematic for her. The

advisor’s encouragement to “think big” and to explore many

possible futures became routine and Sunny gradually felt free to

wonder aloud about what it might be like to have any of several

possible careers that would lead to “making the world a better

place.” In advising sessions, she was encouraged to explore

various majors without settling on any particular one for the

time being. This gave her the opportunity to project into the

future what her life might be like as an elementary school

teacher, as a cross country coach, as a theatrical performer,

etc.

Design

The Design phase is spent co-creating a plan to make hopes

and dreams come true. In this phase, several long-range academic

and career plans were mapped out for Sunny to consider and

discuss with her advisor and a few trusted professors. Sunny and

her advisor compared curriculum sheets for several majors and

chose classes based on shared study plans. In this way, she was

able to explore several options without delaying expected

graduation.

Deliver

The Deliver phase is the implementation phase where students

carry out their plan and the advisor’s role is to support them as

they encounter roadblocks. Sunny’s roadblocks were considerable

insofar as her parents refused to consider financially supporting

a major they believed was not “practical” enough. Eventually

they were persuaded that some majors which do not immediately

lend themselves to a career path (like Education or Nursing) may

aid the student in acquiring the necessary skills (like writing,

research, public speaking, etc.) which can translate into career

success. Sunny enrolled in courses which interested her and her

parents gave grudging consent.

Don't Settle

The Don’t Settle phase, involves challenging students to

achieve their full potential and supporting them along their

journey. Sunny’s sense of shame was the roadblock in this phase

and advising sessions focused on helping Sunny achieve a sense of

self-acceptance that was modeled by the advisor. The advisor

challenged her to allow herself to be vulnerable in the form of

exposing her fear of failure to a trusted few, who then offered

realistic feedback which she began to experience as support

instead of negative judgment.

Conclusion

In concert, staff from each of these offices collaborated to

support Sunny’s transition from a failing student stuck in a

downward shame spiral into a more confident and successful

student.

It can be a tricky business to identify exactly what kind of

guidance and support students need in order to be successful, and

students respond to different styles of advising in different

ways. In the case study, Sunny was approached by the advisor in

the way the advisor would approach a fragile young person

presenting for psychotherapy, which happened to be the advisor’s

background and training. The advisor used the clinical skills of

active listening; conveying a sense of taking Sunny seriously and

believing what she said; clarifying aspects of Sunny’s story that

helped her to feel understood; displaying a caring and non-

judgmental attitude; cultivating the positive aspects of the

relationship; promoting the Sunny’s self-understanding and

helping her to establish a realistic self-assessment that

acknowledges both strengths and challenges.

Advisors need not be trained psychotherapists in order to

help their students, however. Most advisors are equipped to

offer the kind of support described above as a result of existing

personality styles and training opportunities. Appreciative

Advising is a model gaining in popularity among university

advising offices. The model has been found especially useful by

advising offices in universities which admits students on the

assumption that all students who want a chance to complete a

degree in higher education should have that chance. Many

students are admitted to institutions of higher education but not

necessarily to their major of choice, often for the reason they

do not have the grades or test scores which the department

requires. Under that circumstance, they begin their academic

journey without a clear academic path, and, because they have no

planned course of study, are more at risk than those students

admitted to the desired major from the beginning. It is these

students who need more support and guidance in order to decide

upon a more realistic direction in their academic journey, and

who seem to respond best to the kind of gentle but effective

interventions Appreciative Advising describes.

Implications for Advisors

Advisors are accustomed to reaching out to other offices, to

administrators and to faculty in their respective departments.

In Sunny’s case, the advisor reached out to several university

personnel. Helpful activities that supported Sunny in her

journey included registration in a first year experience seminar

(Conley et al 2013), a referral to the counseling center, a

referral to a tutor, a referral to an academic coach, a referral

to a financial aid officer, placement in an academic early alert

system, and a referral to a career advisor. The advisor, while

not attempting to interfere with Sunny’s right to

confidentiality, kept in communication with those offices and

cultivated her own positive working relationships with those

involved. In this way, Sunny was supported from many sides and

in many ways to practice new skills like self-advocacy and asking

for help as well as new ways of seeing herself more realistically

as a whole person who can acknowledge strengths and challenges in

such a way as to promote growth and self-confidence. Advisors

can easily utilize the “6-D” approach of Appreciative Advising –

Disarm, Discover, Dream, Design, Deliver, and Don’t Settle -

since interventions are described in non-clinical terms and can

be adapted according to the preferences and styles of individual

advisors to enhance student success as well as advisor job

satisfaction, for it feels good to know you have made a

difference in someone’s life.

Appendix

The Rosenberg Scale questions:

I feel that I am a person of worth, at least on an equal

plane with others.

I feel that I have a number of good qualities.

All in all, I am inclined to feel that I am a failure.

I am able to do things as well as most other people.

I feel I do not have much to be proud of.

I take a positive attitude toward myself.

On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.

I wish I could have more respect for myself.

I certainly feel useless at times.

At times I think I am no good at all.