ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS OF EMERGING ADULTS

IN AN INDIAN CONTEXT:

ATTITUDES, EXPERIENCES AND

DEVELOPMENTAL OUTCOMES

A Thesis Submitted to

The Maharaja Sayajirao University of Baroda in

Partial Fulfillment of the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy

(Human Development and Family Studies)

Guide: Researcher:

Prof. Shagufa Kapadia Jigisha Gala

Department of Human Development and Family Studies (HDFS)

Faculty of Family and Community Sciences

The Maharaja University of Baroda

VADODARA

February, 2012

2

This Research

is

Dedicated to

My Beloved Parents (Harnish Shah & Harsha Shah)

Family Members

Teachers

Friends

3

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTSACKNOWLEDGEMENTSACKNOWLEDGEMENTSACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I am grateful to all the benevolent individuals who participated in the

study for sharing their ideas and sparing time for this purpose.

Prof. Shagufa Kapadia, my research guide and mentor. Her meticulous

approach to academics compels me to demand higher level competencies

from myself. I thank her for being a rigorous teacher and at the same time

her good-humored nature made research and learning a delectable

experience. I am extremely fortunate to find an austere academician,

receptive and responsive teacher and a witty and cheerful individual

embodied in the role of a guide and mentor to me.

Prof. Rajalakshmi Sriram, Head, Dept. of Human Development and

Family Studies for her encouragement and appreciation of my abilities

concerning academic learning and research. I especially thank her for

taking keen interest in my work and for her valuable inputs during

department seminars as well as for sharing academic resources related to

my study.

Prof. Prerana Mohite, Former Dean, Faculty of Family and Community

Sciences and now Prof. Emeritus, Department of Human Development

and Family Studies, for her insightful contributions during the process of

content validation of the tool, for her concern for my professional progress

and for her feedback during the department seminars.

Dr. Thomas Vadaya, Director of Insight, Institute for Personal Growth,

Prof. Rajaram, Former Professor Department of Sociology, M.S. University

of Baroda and now Dean, School of Social Sciences, Central University of

Gujarat, Gandhinagar, and Ms. Mrudula Paranjape Tere anthropologist

for their perceptive contributions during the process of content validation

of the tool.

Prof. Jeffery Arnett, Research Professor, Department of Psychology, Clark

University, Worcester, USA for his critical suggestions for the synopsis

during his visit to the department as a Nehru Chair Professor. Moreover, I

am grateful for his kind gesture of sending me the book “Romantic

Relationships in Emerging Adulthood” which is invaluable for my work

and understanding.

Mr. Apurva Pandya, Doctoral Candidate and Research Fellow in the

department, with experience in counseling individuals at risk (HIV) for his

4

discreet inputs during the process of content validation of the tool. He is

very proactive in finding new (and free!) software and tools for data

management and analysis and I thank him for introducing me to some of

them. It makes work not only easier but more efficient. Most importantly,

I thank him for scrutinizing the reference section for the thesis.

My Parents, Poonam and friends for their inputs in translating the tool

from English to Gujarati.

Ms. Sujata George, Research Assistant at the Women’s Studies Research

Centre, M.S. University of Baroda, and a Doctoral Candidate in the

department, for helping in the process of establishing inter-coder

reliability, sparing her time to go through the lengthy interviews and

responding promptly.

Priyanka, Anjanaji, Rajeev, Monali, Jigneshji, Rushit, Darshan and

Khyati (Pinku) for helping me find some of my study participants.

I especially wish to acknowledge Parimal, Kunal, Bhargav and Vatsal for

contributing in many significant ways throughout the process of the

doctoral program.

Boney, Amit, Manthan, Chandrasinh and Simran for helping in digitizing

the enormous data.

Azra for helping me find participants for the concept map study and also

offering her skills in creating a visually very appealing concept map. I also

thank her for referring me to people efficient at digitizing the Gujarati

data.

Gurjot for helping me to improve two of the ‘smart art’ figures in the

results section and giving me a ‘reader’s perspective’ on some of my

‘scholarly’ lines!

Dr. Rachna Kulkarni, Dr. Bhamini Mehta, Priyanka, Asmita, Swati and

Shalakha for thinking of me and also bringing to my notice, whenever they

found any study, conference, newspaper article related to romantic love!

Also, a special thanks to Asmita and Bhavmit for many of the ‘love is’

cartoons.

I appreciate the critical feedback offered by all teachers, friends,

colleagues and master students during the department seminars.

CONTENTS

Page

Nos.

List of Tables 2

List of Figures 4

Abstract 7

Chapter 1: Introduction and Review of Literature 8

Chapter 2: Method 66

Chapter 3: Results and Interpretations 84

Chapter 4: Discussion and Conclusions 177

Epilogue 204

References 208

Appendices

A. Informed consent and demographic form 227

B. Open-ended questionnaires for emerging adults 231

C. Open-ended questionnaires for middle adults 235

D. Interview guidelines for romantically involved emerging adults 239

E. Rating scale for romantically involved emerging adults 243

F. Concept map: Romantic relationships in an Indian context 245

2

List of Tables

Table

Nos.

Titles of Table Page

Nos.

1 Romantic attachment theory 16

2 Conceptualization of romantic relationships during adolescence and

emerging adulthood

22

3 Sample and rationale 70

4 Objectives, tools and domains 74

5 Socio-demographic information of the study participants 85

6 Importance of commitment to marry in a romantic relationship 104

7 Love-marriage connection 107

8 Illustrative verbatim comments depicting emerging adults’

perceptions and feelings about parental attitude towards opposite-

sex friendships and romantic relationships

125

9 Gender analysis framework for differences in attitudes of parents

and society towards emerging adults’ romantic relationships

131

10 Illustrative verbatim comments explaining gender differences or

absence of it in developmental impacts

138

11 Society’s concerns for emerging adults involved in romantic

relationships

139

3

Table

Nos.

Titles of Table Page

Nos.

12 Illustrative verbatim comments depicting expectations from

romantic partner before and after marriage

155

13 Satisfactions and dissatisfactions of individuals involved in a

romantic relationship

157

14 Mean, standard deviation, variance and t-test value of scores from

rating scale of romantically involved emerging adults

163

15 Correlation between happiness and various domains of relationship

quality

164

4

List of Figures

Figure

Nos.

Titles of Figures Page

Nos.

1 Concept map 54

2 Conceptual framework 61

3 Sample size and distribution 72

4 Illustrative definitions of romantic relationships 87

5 Conceptualizations of romantic relationships 88-89

6 Symptomatic indicators of romantic relationships 90

7 Summary of ideas pertaining to the meaning of intimacy 95

8 Summary of reasons of yes/no responses to the question: Is there

a definite age or phase to have a romantic relationship?

97

9 Summary of emerging adults’ experiences of attraction and

rejection in love

101

10 Emerging adults’ preference for type of marriage 110

11 Middle adults’ marriage: Arranged or love? 111

12 Percentage of middle adults who had a romantic relationship

before marriage

112

13 Reasons for rise of romantic relationships in the contemporary

context

114

5

Figure

Nos.

Titles of Figures Page

Nos.

14 Romantic relationships in the Indian vis-a-vis Western context 118

15 Societal attitudes towards emerging adults’ engaged in a

romantic relationship

122

16 Emerging adults’ perceptions of parental attitude towards

opposite-sex friendships and romantic relationships

124

17 Middle adults (Parents) response to their emerging adults’

relationship

128

18 Developmental outcomes of romantic relationships 133-134

19 Percentage of emerging adults and middle adults who think that

the impact of romantic relationships would vary across gender

137

20 Factors that support development of healthy romantic

relationships in a society

141

21 Where they first met their romantic partners? 145

22 Percentage showing who initiated the romantic relationship 146

23 Illustrative verbatim comments of boys depicting thoughts,

feelings and actions at the time of initiating the relationship

148

24 Illustrative verbatim comments of girls depicting thoughts,

feelings and actions at the time of initiating the relationship

149

6

Figure

Nos.

Titles of Figures Page

Nos.

25 Summary of responses depicting criteria for choosing the

romantic partner

150

26 Attitude regarding experiencing more than one romantic

relationship before marriage

153

27 Percentage of emerging adults for whom the current romantic

relationship is the first experience

154

28 Map of conflicts 159

29 Means and standard deviations of scores from rating scale of

romantically involved emerging adults

162

7

ABSTRACT

The purpose of this phenomenographical study was to examine the role of cultural

memes and contextual factors in shaping romantic relationships in Baroda, a mid-

sized urban city in Gujarat, India. It also aimed to understand the relationship

processes and experiences of romantically involved individuals and the subsequent

developmental outcomes, in two phases. A mixed method was applied using in-depth,

open-ended (a) questionnaires in phase 1, and (b) interview guidelines with (c) 5 point

Likert type rating scale in phase 2. Participants included 110 respondents, 80 college

going emerging adults in the age range of 18-25 years and 30 middle adults, with

equal number of men and women. The latter were included to know the societal and

parental perspectives on the phenomenon, as parents play a significant role in matters

related to marriage partner selection in the Indian context. Qualitative data revealed

that individuals across age and gender viewed romantic relationships as having

potentially positive developmental impact on individuals engaged in them. The nature

of impact depends on several factors including cultural ideas about love, relationships

and commitment. Girls were reported to be more susceptible than boys to both

positive and negative relationship impacts, they being more vulnerable biologically,

emotional psychologically and oppressed socially. Quantitative data showed stronger

positive correlation for boys between several domains related to relationship quality

and happiness as compared to girls. Discussion examined potential threats to realizing

positive developmental outcomes in the contemporary Indian society from ethological

and Indian socio-cultural perspectives on romantic relationships. The broader

implication of the findings is the re-examination of current social ideologies in light

of the ancient Indian antiquity to evolve social structures that can promote positive

developmental outcomes.

IntroductionIntroductionIntroductionIntroduction

andandandand

Review ofReview ofReview ofReview of

LiteratureLiteratureLiteratureLiterature

8

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION AND REVIEW OF LITERATURE

“And think not you can guide the course of love. For love, if it finds you

worthy, shall guide your course.” Kahlil Gibran.

Formation of intimate romantic relationships is an important developmental task and

also an integral part of identity formation during emerging adulthood. Relationships

are unique, in the sense they have their own internal dynamics and properties, for

example, patterns of interdependence, styles of conflict resolution, interpersonal

norms, private cultures, mutual regulation and control and interaction habits. Moss

and Schwebel (1993) define intimacy in enduring romantic relationships as

“determined by the level of commitment and positive affective, cognitive, and

physical closeness one experiences with a partner in a reciprocal (although not

necessarily symmetrical) relationship” (p.33).

The phenomenon of romantic relationships is not new to human beings across

cultures, yet it is very fresh to the world of scientific research. Work on romantic

relationships has expanded only recently in the West. Cultural values and societal

norms play a magnificently disruptive role in the manifestation of this biologically

innate phenomenon. Yet, it is important to note that although the intricate details of

pairing may vary, the form and styles may be different, the phenomenon is hard-wired

to our species and indeed universal (Bartels & Zeki, 2000).

9

Emerging Adulthood and Romantic Relationships

Emerging adulthood is a term coined by Arnett (2000) to indicate the lengthening age

span of ‘adolescence’ to include individuals in the age range of 18 -25 years. It is a

phase in life which is highly unstructured by social institutions where one is free to

invest in explorations related to romance and love (Arnett, 2004; 2006). Although,

emerging adulthood is not propounded as a universal developmental stage, Arnett

argues that the current era affords for most of the youth, the luxury of emerging

adulthood. The factors that constrained young people historically ranging from

specific gender roles and poor economies that needed the youth to be ‘productive’ no

longer hold true for most urban places in the world. Increasing affluence, focus on

education and availability of various career options for both men and women and

technological revolution in contraceptive methods have led to the postponement of

marriage and parenthood. In response to the multitudinous changes of globalization,

emerging adulthood, as a developmental phase, has become evident in many urban

parts of the Indian society (Kapadia, Bajpai, Roy & Chopra, 2007; Seiter & Nelson,

2010). Financial independence and moving out of parents’ household have emerged

as salient markers of adulthood in the study on markers of adulthood in an Indian

context by Kapadia et al. (2007).

Arnett describes emerging adulthood is described as an age of identity explorations in

the areas of love and work. Ability to develop and maintain intimate relationships,

apart from being a biological given, is also an important marker of adulthood in many

cultures. There is a clear discontinuity in transition to these adult roles in several

segments of ‘modern’ India, because of increased opportunities and need for higher

education and career development. The individuals are neither adolescents nor young

adults; therefore a transitional phase of emerging adulthood is becoming evident. In

10

addition, reduced gender gap in access to education and career development has need

for higher education and career development. The individuals are neither adolescents

nor young adults; therefore a transitional phase of emerging adulthood is becoming

evident. In addition, reduced gender gap in access to education and career facilitated

the interaction between young boys and girls creating more opportunities to develop

relationships (Pais, 2006).

A close bond with a romantic partner plays a pivotal role in the emerging adult’s life.

Recent studies (e.g., Steinberg & Morris, 2001) have shown that romantic

relationships are important developmental milestones and have significant

developmental consequences for individuals engaged in them. Therefore, romantic

relationships are not only influenced by different contexts but themselves serve as

important contexts for growth. Romantic relationships provide a context where

emerging adults can discover aspects of their own selves, such as what attracts them,

what makes them attractive or otherwise to their partners and what kind of person

could be their “soul mate” (Arnett, 2004).

In general romantic love is a concept associated with the Western culture and

arranged marriages (implying absence of a romantic relationship or romantic love) are

associated with the east, especially India. However, many theorists, including

proponents of the ethological perspective, propose that romantic attachment is

universal to the human animal and in fact inevitable for the survival of the species.

Fisher, Aron and Brown (2006) talk about three distinct and yet inter-related brain

systems which are responsible for sexual drive, romantic love and attachment. While

sexual desire helps individuals to seek a range of mating partners, attraction help

individuals to stay with each other long enough to fulfill their parenting duties. Both

11

hormones and monoamines trigger, stimulate and facilitate the three brain systems.

Therefore, developing a romantic bond and entering into a committed relationship are

cross-cultural universals.

Romantic Love, Developmental Outcomes and Cultural Context

Development and developmental outcomes.

The present research adopts a developmental perspective to understand the

phenomenon of romantic relationships and its impact on the development of emerging

adults in a given context. Valsiner (1997) explains development comprehensively as a

process which entails recognizable continuity of a system and a developmental

perspective would focus on how this system is transformed to a ‘novel’ state. This

view of development is based on processes and therefore “outcomes of the processes

are artificially constructed static slices of the processes themselves” (p. 6).

Developmental outcomes are rather dynamic and temporary. Hence the outcomes

such as thoughts, feelings, expectations and worries resulting from romantic

engagements are viewed as temporary developmental outcomes which in turn feed

into other psychological processes.

Romantic love and culture.

The words “romantic love” evoke a spectrum of associations in the human mind

ranging from “idealistic and impractical (which is also the dictionary meaning of the

word ‘romantic’) to selfish and exploitative”, from “pure bliss to heart aches”, from

“total surrender to conquests and betrayals”, from “total liberation to deep

repressions” or from “sacred to profane”. This may be the reason why love is such a

12

universal theme, central to art, poetry, entertainment and popular culture since ancient

times, in many cultures.

The same word, love, can urge the entire being of an individual to contradictory

worlds, one which is rich, vibrant and playful and the other which is dark, murky and

grave. The secret lies in the cultural memes of individuals. Memes are ‘units of

cultural transmission’, mental concepts that are literally alive and capable of

spreading from brain to brain.

… memes should be regarded as living structures, not just metaphorically but

technically. When you plant a fertile meme in my mind you literally parasitize

my brain, turning it into a vehicle for the meme's propagation … [meme is]

actually realized physically, millions of times over, as a structure in the

nervous systems of individual men the world over (Dawkins,1976, p. 192).

The answers to questions like why some relationships lead to well-being and

happiness while others give distress and pain or even lead to violence can be

answered by examining the memes prevalent in a particular cultural ideology. Hence,

it becomes vital to examine our memes about love, as an individual, as a society and

as a culture.

Romantic Relationships and the Indian Context

India provides an interesting context to study romantic relationships. Indian

mythology (e.g., Mahabharata), Sanskrit literature (e.g., Puranas, Vatsayana’s

Kamasutra, Bhartruhari’s Shringar Shatak) and certain schools of Indian philosophy

(e.g., Carvaka, Tantramarg, Shaivamarg, Shaktamarg, Bhaktimarg) hold one of the

most comprehensive, realistic and a liberal and dispassionate view of human sexuality

13

and love as well as individual freedom. Yet, Indian culture is apparently not in favor

of romantic relationships; in fact, it is a sort of a taboo.

While these paradoxes can be appreciated by recollecting India’s history which is a

tale of political and cultural subjugation, it is useful also to look at the nature of

Indian modernity. Even though India is declared as an upcoming economic super

power, and can boast of rapid industrialization and expanding IT sectors, there is a

common denominator of traditional ideology that is reflected in contemporary norms

and practices. Notwithstanding that many emerging adults uphold the ideals of duty

towards their parents (Chopra, n.d.) as a marker of adulthood; they opt to move away

from a joint family in order to pursue their careers. Despite the fact that many

individuals prefer a semi-arranged marriage, they espouse conjugal love over family

harmony as necessary for quality life (Derne, 2000). A nuclear family, however, may

just be a geographical extension of a joint family for many, because important

decisions related to marriage, for instance, are taken in consultation with the other

family members (Saraswathi, Mistry & Dutta, 2011).

Booth (1995) notes that popular culture, films and myth alike uphold the ideals of

personal freedom and romantic love. Sheth believes that Bollywood films play the

same role as puranic kathas did in reviving traditionally upheld values ( as in

Kishwar, 2004). Bollywood films also present a good balance between the ‘modern’

and ‘traditional’ as Indians adapt to the changing world (Kishwar, 2004). Romantic

love has been a dominant theme in Indian films. While some films endorse family

honor and harmony, there are others countering stringent traditional values with youth

rebellion and triumph. In sharp contrast to sacrificial films where the hero and heroine

are forced to commit suicide, for example in Ek Duje Ke Liye (For Each Other), or

14

killed as in Qayaamat se Qayaamat tak (Eternity to Eternity) for challenging the

social norms, there are also the successful ‘romances’ that often challenge these social

norms and succeed in their quest of personal freedom and love across the time-line.

For example, Asli Nakli (Genuine and Fake) challenged class discriminations in

1960s; Prem Rog (Love Smitten) and Ishwar (Lord) dealt with issues of widow’s

right to love and ended with the union of the lovers in the 1980s and 90s. Recent

movies, such as Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Naa (You May Know or You May Not Know)

portray parents who are very open and understanding towards their children’s

romances and emerging adults who have highly individualistic goals, still undecided

about career and marriage. Both the characters of the movie however are chasing an

elusive ‘soul mate’ until they learn that ‘they’ are meant for each other. Love Aaj Kal

(Love Today and Yesterday) captures the spirit that pursuit of love does not change

over time, however, the issues earlier were parental opposition while today the

problem is, confusions related to who is the right person or soul mate. All of these

suggesting the peculiar nature of Indian modernity.

The subsequent review begins with the theoretical perspectives on romantic

relationships and empirical research in the Western Euro-American context followed

by other cross-cultural researches. The section presenting the Indian perspective

encompasses historical philosophical orientation of the Indian culture and empirical

studies in the changing contemporary Indian scenario.

15

Perspectives from the West

“But how will I know who my soul mate is?”

“By taking risks,” Wicca said to Brida. “By risking failure, disappointment,

disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for love. As long as you keep looking,

you will triumph in the end.” Paul Coelho.

Theoretical Perspectives

Several theoretical constructs and perspectives have guided empirical research to

understand human relationships such as social exchange theories, attachment theories,

socio-cognitive, evolutionary, reproductive and sexual health perspectives,

transactional analysis and other schools of psychology. Yet, few attempts have been

made to develop theories of romantic relationships. This section provides an overview

of some of the seminal theories of romantic love, with their strengths and limitations

in understanding the phenomenon.

Romantic attachment theory.

What is an attachment relationship? Three functions appear in various taxonomies:

a. tendency to seek close contact with attachment figure,

b. attachment figure serves as a safety haven during times of distress, and

c. serves as a secure base for exploration.

The romantic attachment theory has evolved from the basic taxonomies of parent-

infant attachment described by Ainsworth (Fraley & Shaver, 2000; Furman & Simon,

1999; Furman & Wehner, 1994). Hazen and Shaver (1987) for the first time gave a

theoretical framework to facilitate the understanding of the formative steps in the

16

development of romantic relationships and explain individual differences, as in infant-

parent attachment. The basic tenets and strengths of this theory are summarized in

Table 1.

Table 1

Romantic Attachment Theory

S.no. Prepositions Conceptually appealing features

1. Emotional and behavioral dynamics of infant-parent relationships and adult romantic relationships are governed by the same biological system.

Provides an ethological or evolutionary framework and hence broadens the scope of questions asked.

2 Individual differences in approaching and experiencing romantic love can be explained by past attachment histories.

Love relationships can be classified1 and origins of differences in these relationships can be explained.

3 Internal working models, which are relatively stable, set of knowledge structures that reflect early attachment experiences contribute to romantic beliefs.

Positive and negative models accommodate for both healthy and unhealthy relationships.

4 Romantic love involves mutual functioning of three behavioral systems attachment, care-giving and sex.

Reciprocal care and sex distinguishes romantic attachment from infant-parent relationships.

The attachment theory approach has generated most of the empirical work related to

adult love and loneliness that began in the early 1980s using Bowlby’s ideas (Fraley

& Shaver, 2000). Nevertheless, the major problem with this approach is the implicit

assumptions that all romantic relationships are attachment relationships (Giordano,

1 Three main love relationships exist – secure, ambivalent and avoidant. This classification is parallel to infant attachment classifications and was later extended by Bartholomew in the 1990’s to secure, preoccupied, dismissing and fearful.

17

2003; Fraley & Shaver, 2000; Furman & Wehner, 1994). With the standpoint, that

mother-child attachment is the single determinant of adult romantic love, sex

differences in romantic relationships cannot be explained, because although these

differences do not exist in infants, they appear in adult attachments. Comparative

literature suggests that attachment system is not the sole basis of adult pair bonding

(Furman & Wehner, 1994).

Another problem is that contributions from peer networks are not acknowledged, even

though friendships provide critical contexts for egalitarian, collaborative and

affiliative exchanges. From the sociological standpoint the theory is very

individualistic and does not account for other contextual factors (Giordano, 2003). As

Waters, Kondo-Ikemura, Posada, and Richters (as cited in Furman &Wehner, 1994)

aptly put it: “We have a theory of infant attachment, a theory of adult attachment, and

a great deal in between left to the imagination” (p. 227).

Sullivan’s theory of social personality.

Sullivan is a neo-Freudian and his theory focuses on social needs. Five basic needs

essential for interpersonal development are enlisted a) tenderness, b) companionship,

c) acceptance, d) intimacy, and e) sexuality. According to him development

progresses through six stages, starting from infancy where parent-child relationship

provides for security and companionship. At all but the last stage a new need is added

to the existing needs which are fulfilled by key relationships at every stage. The last

two stages include puberty and young adulthood, when there is a change in the key

relationship to provide for intimacy. This is achieved in three phases: in pre-

adolescence intimacy is sought from same-sex peers, later during mid-adolescence,

adolescents enter into mixed-sex networks and this phase is viewed as a phase of trial

18

and error. Here the adolescents are engaged in a challenging process of coordinating

differing needs of security, intimacy and sexual desire successfully. In the last phase,

one enters into a committed relationship with a romantic partner.

The strength of Sullivan’s theory is that it encompasses contributions from both

parent and peer relationships. However, it is not so well articulated in matters

pertaining to care giving and the last two stages are sketchily described. So, perhaps it

has received little empirical attention (Furman &Wehner, 1994).

Behavioral systems theory.

Bretherton defined a behavioral system as a “goal corrected system that functions to

maintain a relatively steady state between the individual and his or her environment”

(as cited in Furman & Wehner, 1994, p. 11). This means that a behavioral system has

a goal and demands constant appraisal process that ensures the goal is met through

emotion related actions and action tendencies. There are four key concepts in this

perspective:

a. Biological perspective: Romantic relationship needs to be traced back to its

biological past, to understand the ultimate causal explanation for its evolution

and at the same time include the cultural factors that will explain the proximal

causes for specific manifestation of the biological process. Attachment, care

giving, affiliative, and sexual reproductive behavioral systems are understood

as discrete systems that evolved in order to increase survival in the past. In

contemporary Western society, romantic partners are key figures for all

behavioral systems, however, in different cultures different individuals may be

involved in functioning for different systems.

19

b. Relational views: Relationship views are conscious and unconscious

perceptions of a particular relationship. Experiences in the particular

relationships, past experiences in similar relationships and past experiences in

other close relationships contribute to these views.

• There are distinct views for each relationship. These need not be

consistent across relationships, depending on experience with a

particular person.

• Consistency is more within a particular type of relationship. For

example, within romantic relationships there are general views and

particular views for particular romantic relationships.

• Views lead to expectations which, when fulfilled strengthen the views

and when unfulfilled may lead to gradual alteration of the views.

To understand romantic love, both conscious styles and internal working models need

to be examined as they tap distinct facets of romantic experience and because

previous studies (Furman &Wehner, 1994) have found them to be only moderately

related. Therefore it would be interesting to find out the factors that may explain the

tangent between what is espoused and what is observed in practice.

c. Cross-linkages with other relationships: Although high degree of consistency

is proposed within one type of relationship, views of romantic relationships

are moderately influenced by other close relationships.

d. Developmental Perspective: Romantic relationships are not static, they evolve

over adolescence through adulthood:

• Changes in the hierarchy of figures, that is, pre-existing attachment, care

giving and affiliative figures give place to romantic partners who

20

gradually move high in the hierarchy as prime sources for all the

behavioral systems.

• Changes in the behavioral systems: A romantic partner may first emerge

as a sexual/affiliative figure and only later be considered as a contestant

in receiving care and attachment, and commitment comes much later.

• Views also change: This framework allows for continuities and

discontinuities in views. Specific romantic experiences in the course of

exploration may challenge existing views developed from other close

relationships. Therefore, existing beliefs about romantic relationships

may be altered with increase in romantic experiences. This would also

depend upon the time, intensity and quality of the experiences. On the

other hand, romantic relationships that challenge existing views may be

terminated early. Experiences that strengthen existing views may last

longer. So, there appears to be a tradeoff between longevity of the

relationship and commitment to complementary views.

• Interestingly it may happen that an individual with dismissing views for

example, can become more skillful with time in developing relationships

characterized with dismissing patterns.

Empirical Studies in the West

Although romantic relationships have intimacy and closeness as a significant defining

feature, they have been largely deprived of scientific query. This is evident from the

review of Western and cross-cultural literature. Steiner (2000) has noted that love is

not a subject that has received its due in psychological research. Yet, researches on

adolescent interpersonal relationships focusing on family, peer networks and others

21

that concern adolescent development indicate the need to understand the pivotal role

that these relationships play in the lives of the adolescents (Steinberg & Morris, 2001;

Furman & Wehner, 1994). Similarly emerging adults’ romantic relationships are seen

as largely exploratory (Arnett, 2004). However, when viewed from a life course

perspective, the choices and the experiences during emerging adulthood have

significant consequences for the subsequent stages in life (Fincham & Cui, 2011).

Conceptualizations of romantic relationships during adolescence and

emerging adulthood.

Waldinger et al. (2002) reveal that despite changes in the romantic schemes from

early to late adolescents and into adulthood, there is equal amount of stability in the

schemes. Hence, it will be beneficial to include the developmental trajectory of

romantic conceptualizations from early adolescence through late adolescence and

emerging adulthood.

Table 2 depicts some of the key features of romantic relationships. Conceptualizations

of romantic relationships vary with age, depicted in the table as early (9-14 years) and

late (15-18 years) conceptualizations of romantic relationships and emerging

adulthood (18-25 plus).

22

Table 2

Conceptualization of Romantic Relationships during Adolescence and Emerging Adulthood

Conceptualizations of Romantic Relationships

Early Adolescence Late Adolescence Emerging Adulthood

Early conceptualizations of romantic relationships include stereotyped media images of heterosexual love. Adolescents report being in love with a person, even when they have rarely spoken to that person (Fering, 1999)

Homophily or love for similar others is emphasized (Dornbusch, 1989).

Though akin to early conceptualizations of romantic relationships, affiliative features are still salient, however the late adolescents focus more on intimacy, commitment and security rather than passion (Connolly, Craig, Goldberg, & Pepler, 1999).

They focus on personality, intelligence, social class, ethnic background, religious beliefs, and sexual attractiveness while choosing a dating partner. They are looking for a ‘soul mate’, finding people with their own characteristics, which sociologists call ‘consensual validation’ (Arnett, 2004).

This was also revealed by Markey and Markey (2007) where they found that emerging adults desire people similar to them; however they found that romantic relationships were more fulfilling when the dyad had one dominant and one submissive partner.

View romantic relationships as opportunities of recreation, sexual experimentation, or social status. Attractiveness of the partner matters the most (Fering, 1999).

Socio emotional needs are emphasized (Connolly & Goldberg, 1999; Bouchey & Furman, 2001).

Eager to have variety of love relationships before settling down to marriage (Arnett 2004). Cohabitation has become a central feature for romantic relationships in emerging adulthood (Stanley, Rhoades & Fincham, 2011).

Activities involve ‘hanging out’ and sexual experimentation (Bouchey & Furman, 2001). Conversations are centered on media related topics (Davis, n.d.).

Attachment and care giving systems become more salient (Bouchey & Furman, 2001). Conversations are centered on personal issues (Davis, n.d.).

Cooper, Shaprio and Powers reveal that even when engaging in non-relationships sex, emerging adults intimacy motives are reported as most important and satisfaction of sexual needs and excitement and such enhancement motives were welcome (as cited in Lefkowitz, Gillen & Vasilenko, 2011).

23

Romantic relationships and other close relationships.

Romantic relationships are considered more intimate than opposite-sex friendships

and are characterized by affiliation, which includes dating and companionship, while

in opposite-sex relations affiliation refers only to companionship. Even though,

opposite-sex friendships are marked by strong emotions, romantic relationships in

addition to emotions also include physical contact and commitment (Connolly et. al.,

1999). Among human beings, emotional attachments are diversified and flexible, for

example, non-sexual bonds between parent and children or between same-sex and

opposite-sex friends. Thus, close relationships become contexts for understanding the

intricate social complexities of human interpersonal relationships. This section

presents various studies that indicate the influence of parent and peer relationship

experiences on the formation and quality of romantic bonds.

Role of parents and peers.

Romantic relationships occur within a social context and are linked to other close

relationships such as parents and friends. Furthermore, prior romantic encounters may

influence subsequent relationships.Way back in 1940, Freud posited the influence of

parent-child relationships on romantic relationships. Empirical data on this process

variable is sparse, yet theorists hypothesize the following mechanisms of influence:

Quality of early interactions and socialization practices.

Recently, Ha, Overbeek, de Greef, Scholte and Engels (2010) examined the impact of

quality of parent-adolescent relationship on intimacy, commitment and passion in

adolescent’s romantic relationships. They found that ethnic Dutch adolescents who

24

experienced low quality relationships with parents showed more commitment in their

romantic relationships compared to the indigenous Dutch adolescents. The ethnic

group also displayed more passion in their romantic relationships when they

experienced low quality best-friend relationships. Interestingly¸ for both ethnic and

indigenous groups, lower quality parent-adolescent relationships and higher quality

best-friendships were related to being involved in a romantic bond.

Apart from the quality of relationship between parents and with parents, parental

practices also affect adolescent romance. Better romantic outcomes were associated

with more autonomy oriented parental practices. However, although restrictions were

more for girls, they were able to develop intimate relationships in contrast to the boys.

Also, early positive parent-adolescent relationships acted as buffers against negative

parent involvement in romantic relationships, and therefore were linked to positive

romantic outcomes (Kan, McHale,&Crouter, 2007).

Bucx and Seiffge-Krenke (2010) discovered that early interactions with opposite

gender parents deeply influence self-worth and relational skills. They also revealed

that not only adolescent’s own parent but the partner’s relationship with his or her

parent also influenced the level of passion and intimacy in their romantic relationship.

More direct influence is documented by Lee, Swenson and Niehuis (2010) who report

that parental disapproval of emerging adult’s romantic relationships is a strong

predictor for the emerging adult’s relationship distress. This was stronger for one’s

own parents when compared to the partner’s parental approval.

25

Parental Modeling.

Reese-Weber and Marchand (2002) examined parent-adolescent conflict and late

adolescents’ attachment anxiety and depressive symptoms as predictors of late

adolescents’ romantic relationships. They found that conflict resolution styles were

similar across parent-adolescent and adolescent-romantic partner dyads. However this

was more true for females in case of both mother-adolescent and father-adolescent

dyads, while for males only conflict resolution behaviors experienced within the

father-adolescent relationship, not the mother-adolescent relationship, predicted

conflict resolution in the romantic relationships. Depression had relevance to conflict

resolution for both females and males; however, attachment was more relevant for

females.

Parents’ own courtship experiences help them model communication, conflict

resolution and support in relationships. For instance, Newcomer et al. (as cited in

Dornbusch, 1989) marks that the greater a mother’s sexual experience as an

adolescent, the greater the sexual activity of her adolescent daughter.

While acknowledging the importance of family and culture, Furman, Brown, and

Feiring argue that peers are the most important social influence on romantic

affiliations in the adolescent period (as cited in Bouchey & Furman, 2001).

Peer influence on choice of romantic partner.

Brown reveals that peers provide a context (facilitate meeting and serve in

interpreting) for establishing opposite-sex relationships (as cited in Bouchey &

Furman, 2001). In turn having a large number of other sex friend network facilitate

the formation of romantic ties showed Connolly, Furman, and Konarski (as cited in

26

Bouchey & Furman, 2001). This is also illustrated by Ha et al. (2010) in their study

with Dutch adolescents.

Peers influence choices of potential partners. Giordano, (2003) suggests that

adolescents’ conceptions about romantic relationships and their conduct within these

relationships are heavily influenced by interaction and communication with other

girls. Specific rules emerge (e.g., one should always be in love, it is wrong to date

more than one person, heterosexuality is the only acceptable romantic option), and

gossip (Reeder, 2003) and other social sanctions serve as important sources of

informal social control around these prescriptions. Sociologists have made substantial

contributions to this literature by focusing on the norms and values that are

communicated and refined within these interpersonal contexts from those reinforced

within small friendship groups to those that contribute to a school's social climate

(Giordano, 2003).

Spending large amounts of time with peers may help adolescents in skills necessary

for pro-social horizontal relationships. Skills acquired in friendships are transferred to

romantic relationships, for example, pro-social skills such as co-construction of

positive emotions, companionship and intimacy (Furman,2002; Bouchey & Furman,

2001).

Links between friendships and romantic relationships are more consistent than those

between parent-child relationships and romantic relationships during adolescence.

Youniss and Smollar reveal that close friendships facilitate self-disclosure as they are

more accepting than parents, since the latter are future oriented and concerned about

negative consequences of adolescent behavior (as cited in Giordano, 2003).

Dornbusch et al. (as cited in Dornbusch, 1989) explains that parental concerns may

27

stem from societal expectations, for example, early Black maturing girls enter dating

relationships quite late due to parental concerns that in turn stem from the larger

societal expectations. However, a longitudinal study by Crockett and Randall (2006)

suggests that the quality of adolescent family relationships affect their romantic

relationships in young adulthood by fostering interpersonal behaviors that impact

relationship quality compared to the adolescent peer relationships which did not show

any main effects on the young adult’s romantic relationships. Hence it is clear that

romantic relationships are themselves impacted by the context in which they are

played out.

In compliment to this segment, the following segment presents researches that depict

romantic relationships as a process variable influencing various developmental

outcomes.

Romantic relationships and developmental implications.

Interdependence and close relationships inevitably go together. The ‘other’ in the

relationship, be it a friend, a family member or a romantic partner undoubtedly makes

a unique contribution to the developmental outcomes, as the self and the other are

interdependent partners in the relationship. As in any relationship, the participants in

romantic relationships are interdependent and the behavior of each affects the

outcomes of the other. The features also include the positive and negative aspects of

these romantic relationships.

Lanz and Tagliabeu (2007) reveal that in Italy there exists heterogeneity amongst the

emerging adults and their developmental pathways, not just owing to the different

cultural factors, but influenced by the presence of a romantic partner. Dating and non-

28

dating emerging adults were different in making personal adjustments with family,

time of leaving parental home, and in explorations of different life paths such as

starting a family and having babies vis-a-vis pursuing academic and economic goals.

Presence of a romantic partner was of a greater significance to women as the world

outside the parental home became more accessible and thinking about the future

became easier.

Waldinger et al. (2002) found that with age and experience in romantic relationships,

the relationship schemas change and the chances of perceiving oneself as being

rejected decreases, thus improving interpersonal functioning and subsequent

relationships. The associations of interpersonal power in romantic relationships with

self-esteem and depression reveals that relationships that report to be less egalitarian

have a negative impact on the partners especially increasing depressive symptoms in

girls (e.g., Galliher, Rostosky, Welsh, & Kawaguchi, 1999).

These dangers are further augmented with emerging adults as today they experience

what Arnett (2004) calls ‘unprecedented freedom’ in matters of love and sex. Long

term cohabitation or cohabitation with multiple partners undermines the significance

of marriage and establishment of sustained relationships (Stanley et. al., 2011).

Unwanted pregnancy rates are high among emerging adults and this may add to the

difficulties that come with being single mothers. Sexual violence, compliance and

unwanted sex within ‘intimate’ relationships are a common feature during emerging

adulthood and need research attention (Lefkowitz et. al, 2011).

However, ‘love’ is not about reducing negative states or emotions but about

promoting positive states and emotions. Bartels & Zeki (2000) states that romantic

love “ … is a complex sentiment involving erotic, cognitive, emotional, behavioral

29

components … ” (p. 3829). Romantic love enhances holistic thinking and creative

thought as it promotes long term perspective taking vis-a-vis sex which focuses on the

present and enhances analytical thought (Förster, Epstude, & Ozelsel, 2009).

Gonzaga, Keltner, Londahl, and Smith (2001) found that romantic partners enjoy

more positive states such as laughter and amusement. Also, positive states induced by

playfulness in romantic relationships bring about experiences of positive emotions

and relationship satisfaction (Aune & Wong 2002). Lefkowitz et al. (2011) also reveal

that emerging adult college going men became more satisfied with their body image

after the initiation of sexual intercourse in the context of romantic relationships.

Karney, Beckett, Collins, and Shaw (2007) suggest that there is strong evidence that

adolescent relationships lay a foundation for adult romantic relationships and marital

outcomes. Emerging adulthood is particularly important because these individuals are

in the process of making long term commitment and a romantic bond often contests

with other close relationships such as friends and family, many a times gaining

priority over other relationships (Young, Furman, &Laursen, 2011).

Most Western studies focusing on developmental trajectories highlight the timing of

dating and quality of the interactions through adulthood. In addition, contextual

factors affecting formation of romantic relationships have been studied. The review

also shows that romantic relationships serve as important contexts for growth,

influencing an individual’s life in various ways, such as self-esteem, emotional well-

being and mental health and determining relationship satisfaction in future

relationships including marital adjustments.

30

Limiting one’s focus on the Western relationships beliefs and predictors may lead us

to a bias because any discrepancy would then appear as bizarre or even pathological.

For example ‘dating’ is seen as a normal developmental task in the West and having

several romantic experiences is encouraged before one gets into a commitment.

However, this is not a universal norm, because in various cultures there is no such

practice as dating. Individuals may enter a long term commitment and then discover

love. Also, in many cultures, opposite-sex interactions are discouraged. The following

section includes researches from other cultures, drawing comparisons with the

Western societies as and when appropriate.

Cross-Cultural Perspectives

Romantic love and cultural orientation.

Close relationships are grounded in culture. “Broadly defined, cultural influences on

romantic relationships might include numerous factors ranging from cultural norms

about dating, sexuality, and marriage to media portrayals of romantic relationships

and culturally prescribed gender roles” (Simon, Bouchey, & Furman,1999, p.22).

Most of the cross-cultural researches have used the individualist and collectivist

orientations to study and explain the differences between the cultures. In these studies,

idealistic romantic beliefs include ideas that there is a suitable partner for all in the

world and that true love lasts forever, while those with more ‘practicable’ beliefs

would focus on qualities of partner such as education or career vis-à-vis interesting or

humorous. For example Medora, Larson, Hortaschu and Dave (2002) found American

youth to have the highest romanticism scores compared to the Turkish and Asian-

Indian young adults because U.S. is an individualistic culture, while the later are

31

collectivistic societies. Sprecher et al. (1994) had reported a similar trend with

Japanese scoring less on romantic beliefs scale but they were also more likely to link

love and marriage compared to American and Russian samples. Interestingly, Japan

had the least gender differences on how men and women viewed and experienced

love, wereas the Americans had the highest gender differences. This finding is

intriguing because Japanese society supposedly has traditionally more gender

differentiations compared to the American society.

In contrast, Sprecher and Morn (2002) report that in China which is also a

collectivistic society, people scored higher on romantic beliefs scales and on certain

dimensions of romanticism scales when compared to samples from North America.

They also found that the Chinese were more idealistic and practical in approach to

love beliefs than the North Americans. Interestingly, Americans had more selfless

love and men were more likely to adopt the game playing approach.

Similarly, while studying the independent and interdependent self-construal of Turks

and American-Europeans it was found that interdependent self-construal was higher

among Turk participants while there was no difference in the independent self-

construal. Both Turkish and Euro-Canadian participants reported feeling closest and

ideally wanting to be closest to their romantic partner, and then to their families and

friends, followed by acquaintances. However, Turkish participants desired more

closeness with family members and acquaintances than Euro-Canadian participants

(Uskul, Hynie & Lalonde, 2004). Therefore, interdependent goals need not

necessarily contrast with individualistic goals.

A recent study comparing adolescent romantic relationship across Mainland China

and Canada reported modest levels of romantic involvement amongst 16-17 year olds,

32

including only 10% of girls as compared to 45 % in Canada. In addition, the numbers

of past relationships were very less for both Chinese boys and girls owing to cultural

restrictions on romantic activities (Li, Connolly, Jiang, Pepler, & Criag, 2010). There

were similarities in interrelations between parent, friend and romantic relationships in

both the cultures.

From these cross-cultural studies it is evident that interpretations based on

individualistic and collectivistic framework captures a limited understanding of

cultural difference in romantic beliefs. Other important perspectives to understand the

phenomenon of romantic relationship are gender norms and its relation to global

changes and increasing affluence.

Culture and gender in the context of globalization.

Culture and gender are closely linked. Therefore, the gender differences that are found

in the American and European samples may not represent differences in all cultures.

For example Spreche and Morn (2002) revealed that Chinese men were more

romantic (particularly in the belief that love can overcome any obstacle) than Chinese

women; and also more likely to view physical pleasure as important for maintaining

marriage; but less likely to believe in destiny or fate concerning love. Whereas, North

American men were more likely to marry without love and also did not consider

emotional satisfaction as an important factor in maintaining marriage and were also

found to be less erotic in their love styles. One of the factors that is thought to

determine these changes in trends, despite China being a collectivist culture, is the

changes in the economic norms in China that may have freed the people from the

earlier practical approaches to love and have the luxury to now emphasize on

emotional and physical aspects of love. Other examples are Japan and Hong Kong

33

which have achieved great economic prosperity and hence score higher on emphasis

on romantic love as a basis for marriage compared to other Eastern nations such as

India, Pakistan, Thailand and Philippines (Levine et al., 1995).

Pagano and Hirsch (2006) found that across both American and African-American

adolescents, girls revealed greater self-disclosure and intimacy compared to boys.

However, among the White adolescents, girls used self-disclosure more with the

same-sex friends rather than with the romantic partner, whereas boys showed the

opposite trend. Among the Black adolescents both boys and girls displayed similar

levels of self-disclosure in their romantic relationships as they did in their same-sex

friendships. This difference between the races was attributed to strong kin networks

among Blacks which afford more resources for positive cross-gender interactions. In

case of the American boys such a support was provided by the mothers; however the

impoverished quality of father-daughter relationships may account for the negative

cross-gender ties.

Various studies on immigrated individuals also reveal the influence of contextual

factors. Vaidyanathan and Naidoo (1990) report that acceptance of dating as a

practice amongst the Indian-Canadians varies across generations. While only 27 % of

the first-generation found dating to be healthy, 81 % amongst the second generation

agreed with this stance.

While free-choice of romantic partner is revered as a right of an autonomous

individual in the West, in many Eastern countries marriages are arranged (Moore &

Leung, 2001). Gupta and Singh found that there is more romantic love later in

arranged marriages, than that which remains in love marriages (as cited in Simon,

Bouchey & Furman, 1999).

34

Also, it can be argued that ‘love’ being important to maintain a marriage is more a

pan cultural idea, than love being a precursor to marriage. Levine et al. (1995) reveals

that cultural norms that lay emphasis on love as a basis of marriage do not necessarily

believe that it is important for maintaining marriage. For example U.S placed the

highest importance on love as a prerequisite for marriage compared to India, Pakistan

and other Eastern nations, yet the differences for placing love as important for

maintaining a marriage were not so strong. Interestingly, the marriages based on

‘love’ do not seem to endure as U.S. also has the highest divorce rates. Love may

have different meanings in different cultures and languages and most researches fail

to account for this.

Overall, the studies reveal that there are differences among cultures and gender

differences within the cultures and across the cultures. However, the factors

explaining these changes need to move beyond the individualistic-collectivistic

dimensions, looking for more macro level changes impacting economies and

technologies that promote the pursuits of individual goals in various cultures. It has

been noted that romantic love is influenced by a number of contextual factors such as

affluence, gender power parity, education, technological advancement and such. For

example Simpson, Campbell, and Berscheid (1986) report that romantic love which is

now the “only right basis of marriage” in the West, is a relatively recent proposition.

The authors replicated a survey conducted in the mid-1960s for American college

going men and women using Kephart’s (1967) scales to determine the association of

romantic love as the basis for marriage, and as an important factor for maintaining a

marriage. They found that since the 1960s, more college going men and women have

viewed love as a critical factor determining a long term commitment owing to

dramatic social changes such as the status of women. Therefore, the global factors

35

that have given birth to the new life phase of emerging adulthood have also made it

possible for these individuals to pursue relationships which are based on egalitarian

values.

Recent studies conducted in China reveal that Chinese scored higher on romantic

beliefs scales and on certain dimensions of romanticism scales when compared to

samples from North America (Sprecher & Morn, 2002). They also found that Chinese

were both more idealistic and practical in approach to love beliefs than the North

Americans. The researchers attributed this trend to various social and cultural changes

that have taken place in China after it embraced the market economy. Romantic love

was no longer treated as a “bourgeois” sin punishable with years in prison. Young

men and women now have increasing freedom to choose their partners. Thus, both

emerging adulthood and romantic relationships appear to be a phenomenon of an

economically affluent, socially liberal and non-discriminating society.

Levine, Sato, Hashimoto, and Verma (1995) revealed that economic standards of

living were highly correlated with beliefs about love. They compared 11 cultures

including India, Pakistan, Thailand, Mexico, Brazil, Philippines, Japan, Hong Kong,

Australia, England and United States and found that countries which assigned higher

importance to love also had high standards of living, higher marriage and divorce

rates and low fertility. They suggest that the shift towards individualistic values for

mate selection in the US coincided with the industrial revolution and that Japan and

Hong Kong which are high in collectivist ideals are slowly moving towards

egalitarian forms of mate selection with economic prosperity.

As mentioned earlier, in order to understand the cultural perspective on romantic

relationships, it is important to look at the historical and philosophical factors that

36

shape a culture’s ideologies as well as the current changes that influence the existing

ideologies. This is even more so in case of India, because the modern Indian society is

marked by a “different modernity” (Chatani, 2011, p.1) or “a variety of modernity”

(Krueger, 2004, p.1), to indicate the apparent dichotomies and contradictions between

the traditional - religious and Western-modern (industrial) ways of life. The following

section presents perspectives from the Indian context.

Perspectives from India

“For love is the ultimate meaning of everything around us. It is not a mere

sentiment; it is truth; it is the joy that is at the root of all creation.”

Rabindranath Tagore.

This section presents a glimpse into the Indian history and draws from the rich literary

works of ancient and medieval philosophers, poets, artists, sages and scientists in

order to understand and study the cultural values that may be present in the Indian

society today. It also discusses changes in these memes over time and depicts the

contemporary scenario in light of the global changes.

Historical and philosophical perspectives from ancient and medieval

India.

Indian philosophy has been aptly summarized by Mahadevan as, “Indian philosophy

is essentially a philosophy of values” (p. 326, as in Goodwin, 1955). The highest

value being individual’s freedom to work towards self-realization and realize the

freedom of all (any kind of) bondages.

37

In India, romantic love has served to express the Indian philosophy. The term

romantic love denotes the highest possible ‘ideal’, which when aspired by men would

lead them to understand their own nature, the highest form of consciousness. Indian

epics and mythology have ample examples that depict the glory of romantic love as

well as its dangers and tragedies (Punja, 1992). For instance, the legend of the

exquisitely beautiful Shakuntala and the prodigious king Dushyanta is sung by the

famous poet Kalidasa in the play Abhijnanashakuntalam (Emeneau, 1962).

Nalopakhyanam, the story of prince Nala, who because of his extraordinary qualities had

won the heart of the most beautiful Damyanti. Although the story does not entail much of

premarital courtship, it is a story of rebellion and self-selection (svayamvara) on part of

Damyanti, who even rejects the Gods who had come to marry her in favor of the mortal.

The couple is united after great difficulties (Srinivasan, 2006, Rudolph, 1902). The

immortal love of Savitri for her husband Satyavan, where even the God of Death,

Yama had to cave in to her strong will and determination, which consequently earned

Satyavan a new life is another example for the same (Monro, 2006). Moreover,

Sanskrit literature is rampant with quixotic love stories, apart from those mentioned in

the great epics (Ali, 2002).

In fact, Ved Vyasa, the most revered figure (teacher/poet/prophet) in Hinduism and a

scribe of the Vedas, Puranas and the great epic Mahabharata, and the author of the

Brahmasutra exemplifies the all-inclusive nature of Indian thought. Krishna

Dvaipayana Vyasa or Ved Vyasa was born to Parashara Maharshi and Satyavati or

Matsyagandha. Matsyagandha was the daughter of a ferryman and her name indicates

that her smell (vaginal and cervical secretions) is sexually intoxicating just like the

smell of shrimps. Parashara, while being ferried by Matsyagandha, enamored by her,

expressed his amorous desire which she accepted, engendering the birth of Ved Vyasa

38

on the banks of Yamuna out of ‘wed-lock’ (Chakravorti, 1963). This shows that

neither caste nor marriage was held as ultimate criteria to judge the legitimacy of the

individual. Later, King Shantanu of Hastinapur fell in love with Satyavati and they

married. This depicts that questions on virginity were not the focus.

Love and marriage.

Counter-intuitive as it may sound, love and marriage have never been treated together

in the Indian context. Observations from remote antiquity suggest that the God of love

(Kamadev) and that of marriage are different (De, 1959). While marriage was treated

as a social duty, a social ideal, love was celebrated as a personal ideal and was

thought to be possible only when it was free of all compulsions. Therefore, marriage

was looked upon as a matter of arrangement for political alliance and economic

exchange and was founded on the ideal of duty (dharma).Finding a partner through

selection (varana) or through gift of a maiden (kanyadan) was regarded as higher

forms of marriage in the sastras. Therefore, marriages were usually arranged except

the Gandharva marriages, the only form of marriage, which entailed pre-marital

courtship and were sanctioned by the sastras (Ali, 2002). Because romantic love was

hierarchical and class defined, gandharva marriages were rare and appeared mainly

amongst the Kshatriya classes (Ali, 2002;De, 1959). Romantic love was considered an

evolved form of pairing as in Ali (2002).

The gandharva marriage, according to Vatsyayana, was the superior form

because it was attained without much difficulty, without a ceremony of

‘selection’ (avarana), and was based on mutual affection or attachment

(anuragatmakatvat) which was said to be the ‘fruit’ of all marriage in any event

(p. 129, Kamasutra 3.5.29–30).

39

Although romantic love was highly institutionalized in the sense of complexity in

etiquettes and concerns with refinement of the self and other ‘ornamentations’ of the

courtly life, ‘love’ was conceived to be beyond social mores and expectations. This

apparent contradiction is exemplified in Radha’s love for Krishna.

However, some scholars have argued that kama and rati (related to pleasure arising

from sexual union) are different from anuraga (affection) or bhakti (devotion). The

same Krishna can be quoted from Bhagvadgita for recommending bhakti over kama.

In fact, most of the religious texts have admonished kama and associated it with the

downfall of the yogis (yogabrashta).

Kama, anuraga and bhakti.

“Sensual love seeks meaning and significance in the eternity of the sacred; spiritual

love seeks meaning and impact in the immediacy of the profane”. Lee Siegel.

Radha’s love for Krishna is a response to the divinity that is manifest in his being.

Radha was not only older to Krishna but also married to someone else, and yet

passionately loved Krishna; not because she had to but because she could not help

doing so. She is an ideal lover, in love with the ideal ‘man’ and they both share the

ideal bond, suffer ideal separations, and enjoy ideal union. In them the ‘profane’

(carnal) and the ‘sacred’ (spiritual) dimensions of ‘love’ merge as sung by the poet

Jayadeva in his legend Gitagovinda. In fact, commentators have compared the

devotion in ‘Gitagovinda’, which is of a passionate lover and the devotional

relationship of Jayadeva with his wife Padmavati which is dutiful. Padmavati is an

40

ideal wife, established in the Dharmashastras2 while Radha is the ideal lover (Siegel,

1978). Krishna again is the ideal man (poorna purshottam as against his earlier avatar

Rama who was maryada purshottam) because he is free of bondages. Hawley (1979),

beautifully illustrates this by comparing Krishna’s maakhanchori lila (play of the

butter thief) to the raslilas (dalliances with the gopis or cowgirls, Krishna being a

thief of love). He says that Krishna loves butter because it is dense, concentrated and

yet simple (saral) and so is the love, simple and pure. Therefore, when gopis offer

butter to Krishna they offer him the concentrated love, which is a product of

transformation from gross emotion through the disciplined churning of bhakti. And

Krishna must ‘steal it’ because unless he steals it, conventions and hospitality

(aupcharita) on part of the gopis, would not let his approach remain as simple,

spontaneous and intimate as the ‘butter’ itself. Another folktale motif, which is very

common to Indian art and poetry and a part of Indian bhakti is the stealing of gopis’

clothes (chirharana) by Krishna, when they go to the river for bathing (Emeneau,

1989).

With reference to Krishna bhakti it is vital to mention Mirabai, a queen who

experienced such peaks in Krishna’s love that she would dance ecstatically on the

streets, and that too in an era, in Rajasthan where women observed parda! Mira came

five thousand years after Krishna’s death, during the times of the Muslim rulers.

Mirabai’s love demonstrates that love is beyond time, place and society (Abbot &

2The Dharmashastras are traditional tests that prescribe the code of conduct for each stage and assign a crucial place for the emerging adults

(Verma and Saraswathi, 2002).The Hindu Ashrama Dharma Theory or "Duties of life's stages." prescribes four stages for the fulfillment of

developmental tasks. They are - brahmachari (student), grihastha (householder), vanaprastha (elder advisor) and sannyasa (religious solitaire)- in

pursuit of the four human goals: dharma (righteousness), artha (wealth), kama (pleasure) and moksha (liberation). Here it is important to note that

the final pursuit for any Hindu is ‘moksha’ or‘enlightenment’. Therefore the Ashrama Dharma is one such prescription and the second stage the

‘grihistha’ is meant for ‘artha’ and ‘kama’ which actually dictate the goals of marriage (e.g., Aggarwal, 2000, Kulkarni, 1999).

41

Godbole, 1933). Another path is the yoga of love that is Tantra. Tantra is a way of

reaching enlightenment by using sex, the most powerful and basic energy of human

beings (Chakravorti, 1963).

Romantic love in ancient art and sciences.

In this sense Indian philosophy recognized the rightful place that physical pleasure,

sex and love have in human existence, as depicted in many of the Indian arts. The

erotic sculptures in temples of Khajuraho, also called ‘poetry in stone’, celebrate the

oneness and union of lovers, conferring a divine quality to it (Punja, 1992; Kakar &

Kaker, 2007).

This is reiterated in Vatsyayana Kamasutram ('Vatsyayana's Aphorisms on Love')

written around the time of the Upanishads (third to fifth century A.D.), where

everything pertaining to attracting a partner, courtship, sexuality, and making love

was treated as a science, one of the 64 arts. In fact the very conceptualization of kama

by Vatsayana is very telling of the convergence between self-discipline and pleasure.

Ali (2002) elaborated that according to Vatsyayana the senses (indriya) should be

engaged with their particular fields (visaya), but simultaneously they must be

overseen with the mind (manas) and the soul (atmasamyukta). And therefore, Doniger

(2003) pleads, that

The real Kamasutra, however, is not just about the positions in sexual

intercourse, not the sort of book to read in bed while drinking heavily, let

alone holding the book with one hand in order to keep the other free. It is a

book about the art of living-about finding a partner, maintaining power in

a marriage, committing adultery, living as or with a courtesan, using

drugs-and also about the positions in sexual intercourse (p.20).

42

This is of course not the only work or even the first of its kind. His work is a

comprehensive compendium of earlier works of Auddalaki Svetaketu, a Vedic Sage,

who had written five hundred and thirty chapters later condensed into one hundred

and thirty chapters under seven definite sections by Bablravya and then specialized by

courtesans of Pataliputra. The precision and practicality of Vatsyayana's work makes

it the most famous thesis even today in modern times and has implications for history,

psychology, sociology and even medicine. Hence it is not merely a thesis on

sexology, but a serious and scientific composition in a forbidden area which he urges

is a part of humanistic science (De, 1959; Doniger, 2003; Kakar & Kakar, 2007).

Women and virginity.

Going further into the history, even before Vatsyayana during the times of Rig Vedas,

when sexual taboos were current in various parts of the world, in India virginity was

not a pre requisite for marriage (Chakravorti,1963). Young people had many

opportunities to meet and interact with each other intimately during various festivals

and ceremonies. Chastity or virginity was not stressed upon (Fiser, 1967). The woman

was considered always pure as her menses cleanses her physically and spiritually

(Chakravorti, 1963, Thomas, n.d.). According to Chakravorti (1963), “Women belong

first to three Gods: Soma (the moon), Gandharva (libido) and Agni (heat). Soma gives

them cleanliness (through the menstrual cycles), the Gandharva (through the libido)

gives her the melodious voice and Agni (passionate fire) destroys all ills. So women

are pure especially during dalliance” (p.67).

43

Indian civilization: From peaks to valleys.

Although, in the Indian tradition, ‘love’ is a value for which one is ready to die, a

value beyond one’s life, in practice, there appears to be a disjunction. As Kapadia

(1998) has observed, romantic love seems acceptable only if it eventually leads to

marriage and that too, if the mate is from an appropriate class, caste and religion.

Memes pertaining to ‘true love’ have been tragic across the globe and Indian psyche

has been influenced by them. Heer-Ranjha, Sheerin-Farhad, Laila-Majnu, Salim-

Anarkali all meet with the tragic fate of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. Steiner

(2000, para. 36) pointed out that “They [Romeo and Juliet] meet at a dance one

evening, before dawn declare their undying love for each other, marry the next day,

and are dead within a fortnight”, has become a guiding meme for romantic love all

over the world. Popular culture reinforces it. From 1931-76 Bollywood has produced

five films on Laila Majnu and not to mention thousands of others spreading the tragic

meme. Today, honor-killing or customary killing is painfully common in certain parts

of India. Honor-killing is the name for preserving the ‘honor’ of the community or

purifying the community whenever traditional norms are challenged. As Dave (2011)

comments that the most common behavior posing challenge to authority is choosing

one’s own marital partner.

Kakar and Kakar (2007) suggest that the ascetic ideals and virtues of celibacy

pervasive in the Hindu thought is a plausible cause for the sexually repressive

ideologies post Vatsayana. The “ascetic life” of conquering the senses or the lower

self to attain freedom from desire, passion and attachment, would sound incredible for

a “life-affirming” westernized mind. But, in the Indian context, Radhakrishnan

observes, from the standpoint of civilization and sanskritization, the highest pleasure

44

is attaining to the infinite, and the love for the finite is only instrumental to that

purpose (as cited in Goodwin, 1955). Therefore, the emphasis on self-discipline can

also be read as, “ … the proper enjoyment of pleasure is not conceived of in

opposition to self-discipline and mastery of the senses, but as a proper function of it”

(Ali, 2002, p. 212).

Scholars also contend that the liberality of pre-colonial India was destroyed by the

Victorian and Moghul influences on Hindu religious practices (e.g. Riencourt, 1960;

Sen, 2001; History of sex in India, n.d.). Sen (2001) scrutinizes the Anglo-Indian

discourses in colonial India on women’s rights in the native as well as their home

country and reveals the fundamental contradictions with which European media

constructed the image of the native Indian woman as sensuous, morally debased and

on the other hand as epitome of self-sacrifice and self-denial. Gender was used as a

tool to further their “civilizing mission” and “advancing their larger imperialist

design” (p.19). Many centuries of subjugation to external and brute forces, led not

only to synthesis with the other ideologies, including Islam and Christianity, but also

“monstrous distortions” within the Hindu practices. The entire history of modern

India explains how it has fallen from her ancient civilization. It is a history of sloth,

corruption and inertia (Riencourt, 1960, p.220).

The next section focuses on the contemporary Indian context, which is industrial and

global, but has at its core the light of its ancient antiquity as well as remnants of the

repressions from what Kakar and Kakar (2007, p. 84) call its “dark ages” of sexuality.

45

Contemporary Indian context.

“I cannot cure myself of that most woeful of youth's follies--thinking that those

who care about us will care for the things that mean much to us”. David Herbert

Lawrence.

Many paradoxes are apparent in contemporary India. Both, the thoughtless

compliance to tradition as well as oblivious endorsement of ‘modernity’ are

discredited. Netting (2005) in her study on love and arrange marriage in India

observed that, a competing, “underground” system of romantic relationships amongst

the young adults (average age 25) exists in most Indian cities. In fact over 75% of her

sample had reported being currently engaged in a romantic bond and more than half

of the couples had met in schools and colleges. India seems to be moving towards less

stringent attitude towards “love”, especially in the urban areas. This can be attributed

to various macro forces. It would be interesting to understand how the contextual

influences, for instance changing economies, institutional contexts, technological

advancement, and lesser parental control, shape social attitude towards romantic

relationships.

In India, studies on heterosexual relationships amongst unmarried youth have focused

on sexual and reproductive health issues. Although, important work has been done in

the area of adolescent reproductive health and sexuality, (e.g., Jeejeebhoy, 2000) that

addresses important health concerns such as STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)

and AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome), there is little attention to

spheres of development pertaining to romantic relationships. Sujay (2009) has also

looked into sexual norms and behaviors of college going youth in Gujarat. Studies

pertaining to marriage partner selection (e.g., Banerjee, Duflo, Ghatak & Lafortune,

46

2009) focus on socio-economic variables such as caste, education and SES rather than

love as a prerequisite or an important ingredient in maintaining marriages.

Even studies in which romantic relationships figure in the titles, have primarily

focused on sexual behavior and gender differences in sexual behavior, while a

romantic bond only provided a context for the same (International Institute for

Population Sciences & Population Council, 2010) . In addition, they mentioned power

dynamics and violations of the individual’s rights, mostly women’s rights to say no to

physical relationship before marriage. Moreover, there are very tangential references

to parental support and control. Also, all these researches have focused on youth from

an economically disadvantaged background or slums. For example, Jaya and Hindin’s

(2009) study on Delhi youth from a low Socio-Economic status (SES) background

reveals that boys were more active in seeking opposite-sex partners and more likely to

initiate a sexual relationship, and may resort to forcing the unwilling partner.

Alexander et al. (2006) echo similar findings and concerns about unprotected sex

amongst unmarried youth in Pune slums.

Gender difference are highlighted by Banaji (2006) in her study on the impact of

Bollywood films on the sexual attitudes, values and behavior of the youth in Bombay

and she confirms the gender disparity in engaging in sexual activities and the pressure

to remain a virgin on the girls. Vivid descriptions of rape scenes and glorification of

suicide by the victims as a sign of virtue are a part of the “formula” film cult. In

contrast, not until recently, the Indian movies were not allowed to show kissing, based

on mutual love and desire by the characters. The society seems to be shy of genuine

intimacy and is satisfied with sexual violence as a form of entertainment. G.D.

Khosla’s rejoinder against this hypocrisy is apt, “In a country where the lingam and

47

the yoni are publicly worshipped and where a book on Kamasutra has been written

[sic], what will happen if a couple is shown kissing as a mark of love and affection?

Surely the Ganga will not be on fire!” (as cited in Booth, 1995, p. 171).

The depiction of so called traditional-modern conflicts in popular Bollywood movies

has been analyzed by Krueger (2004). The question of marriage, especially by self-

selection is seen as a threat to ‘parampara’ or traditions. One such film Mohhabhatein

(love stories) was about challenging an authoritative figure; his dictatorial world view

and the movie ends with him softening and realizing that change and love are

important aspects of life. A dialogue in the film Mohhabhatein between Narayan

Shankar, the disciplinarian father and Nandini, a loving and obedient daughter

effectively illustrates the power struggle.

Nandini: “These days everything has changed.”

Narayan Shankar: “Nothing has changed, Nandini.”

Nandini: “But these days children make their choices themselves ... ”

Narayan Shankar: “Nothing has changed, Nandini.”

Nandini: “What I meant was ... ”

Narayan Shankar: “Nothing has changed.”

Nandini: “But ... ”

Narayan Shankar: “I said It ... didn´t I? That’s it!”

Far from empathizing and understanding their children, many parents do not even

facilitate communication in these matters. Peers too often indulge in teasing and

making fun, which may be too embarrassing or undesirable for the lovers. Sharply

contrasting with the history of Indian philosophy, whose central ideas are individual

freedom, we come across some extreme instances that chastise romantic partners. For

example, in the Meerut incidence of 2005, the police beat up young lovers in the

48

garden on the grounds of having illicit affairs (Chatterji, 2010). Such incidences

demonstrate that for certain Indians, romantic love is almost a crime!

Visibility of romantic relationships.

Despite restrictions, more and more young individuals seem to engage in premarital

courtships. Abraham (2002) has identified platonic ' bhai-behen ' ('brother-sister like'),

romantic 'true love', and transitory and sexual 'time-pass' relationships amongst

unmarried youth in the low income group of Indian Metropolis. Traditionally, the

provision of early marriages arranged by adults fulfilled the relationship needs of

individuals in a culturally approved way. With changes leading to extended periods of

education, especially of girls, increased opportunities of interaction between boys and

girls, various career options, role confusions, increased legal age of marriage, the

relationship establishing patterns have also changed.

The changes in ICT (Information and Communications Technology) are affecting

lives of young individuals in profound ways. Firstly, the transition periods are

lengthened due to changes in the institutional structures, educational requirements and

delaying full time occupation, and also marriage and child bearing, giving rise to

emerging adulthood. Consequently this affects the ways in which individuals relate to

each other. More time spent in educational settings, wider social network, and

technological advancements such as the internet increases the opportunities to interact

with opposite-sex peers (Larson, Wilson, Brown, Furstenberg, & Verma, 2002), and

increased anonymity in the larger cities facilitate the growth of romantic relationships.

The internet creates a “social space” for emerging adults that provides numerous

choices for forming and maintaining social networks (Mortimer & Larson, 2002).

49

Context for the present study.

The context for the present study is Baroda, Gujarat. Baroda or Vadodara has been

known as the sanskari nagri (cultured city) of the state. The rich cultural traditions of

the city are most evident during the festive occasions Navratri, Diwali, Ganesh

Chaturthi, Id, New Year, Uttarayan, Holi, campus fun fairs and other musical and art

oriented activities which keep happening in the city.

The Maharaja Sayajirao Gaekwad III in 1875 had introduced many reforms including

a focus on girl’s education and adult education and the benefits of which we reap even

today. Baroda’s cultural life is very dynamic as it is remarkably cosmopolitan. The

average Barodian is open to the world and overflowing with hospitality.

Although Baroda amply serves as an example of a modern urban Indian city. Baroda

has been nominated as the safest city for women in Gujarat and the second safest in

India in an online survey of 37 cities conducted by a global market research firm.

(Tere, 2011). It is remarkable for the ‘mobility’ that it allows its youth, especially the

girls. Here the term mobility is used in a broader way encompassing not only

geographical mobility but also mobile technologies. Having a personal two-wheeler

and a mobile phone and easy and affordable accessibility to internet is very common

for the young. The changes and effects of mobility on adolescents include the

opportunities to develop intimate relationships, maintaining secrecy and privacy,

satisfying the intrinsic needs of ‘contact’, and at the same time freeing them from

physical proximity and spatial immobility (Gala & Unhelkar, 2008).

As aptly put forth by Larson et al. (2002), the expansion in adolescent romantic

relationships in recent times have less to do with adolescence and more to do with

50

society in general. Thus it would be intriguing to explore the cultural values that guide

romantic beliefs and behaviors, define the unique features of these relationships and

determine individual outcomes influencing the quality of romantic experiences within

the given context.

In India researches that exclusively focus on the romantic phenomenon are scarce.

Therefore, with the purpose of understanding the way romantic relationships are

viewed in the present Indian context a concept mapping exercise was undertaken by

the researcher. The concept mapping process is described in detail in the subsequent

section after the highlights of the present review.

Highlights from the Review

• Romantic relationships in adolescent and young adulthood are considered

important milestones in understanding adult relationships and well-being.

• Studies on romantic relationships have expanded recently in the last decade

with a shift from attachment perspective to developmental and cultural

perspectives.

• Work on adolescent relationships focuses on friendships, opposite-sex

friendships and developmental trajectories or gender role differences in the

developmental patterns and timings of these relationships with a very recent

attempt in evolving a theory for romantic relationships.

• Researches in some collectivistic societies show that collective goals do not

necessarily subordinate individual goals and instead are an expansion of

individual goals. Cross-cultural researches thus need to move beyond the

individualistic and collectivistic frameworks for interpreting romantic

relationships.

51

• In the Indian context, very few studies mention romantic love in their titles;

and even these have not focused on understanding the phenomenon

exclusively, neither as an outcome influenced by contextual factors nor as a

process influencing developmental outcomes. There is a body of research

pertaining to adolescent reproductive health and sexuality especially in the

lower SES context and a few studies on marriage partner selection.

• India has been stereotyped as a repressive society owing to Hindu religious

practices; however, the present review of Indian antiquity suggests the

opposite. Contemporary changes in the Indian society due to modernization,

globalization and technological advancement have led to conditions that can

afford a rise in romantic relationships.

To sum up, although we know how often young individuals engage in intercourse or

other forms of sexual activities, we do not know what their ‘encounters’ are like, what

their relationships are like. We only know their desire for close, intimate relationships

because it is an important developmental task and a basic need, but we do not know

whether they understand what they seek and what values they seek for themselves and

in their partner. We know little about whether they have the interpersonal skills to get

what they truly desire. We do not know their experience of these relationships in

contexts that do not play a facilitating role to help these young people and its

subsequent impact on individual functioning and future relationships.

Concept Mapping Exercise

“Concept maps are graphical tools for organizing and representing knowledge”

(Novak & Canas, 2006). As a research tool it has a major advantage of placing the

interpretation of data in the hands of the participants (Campbell & Salem, 1999).

52

The concept mapping process

Research question.

What are the linkages between emerging adults’ opposite-sex romantic relationships

quality and their socio-emotional development?

Sampling technique.

Sampling technique: Purposive, snow balling

Participants:20

Emerging adults who were currently engaged in a romantic relationship or had one in

the past or had never been in such a relationship.

Tool.

In-depth semi-structured interviews were conducted and tape recorded with the

participant’s permission. Each interview took approximately 60 minutes.Interviews

were transcribed.

Analysis.

a. Three separate matrices were prepared for all the three sample groups

b. Significant concepts were identified based on the available data and a visual

concept map (see Figure 1) based on the hierarchal structure and cross linkages

between the concepts is the outcome.

c. The map was interpreted.

The construction and interpretation of the map was jointly done by a smaller group of

participants and the researcher in two sessions. In the first session, a focus question

53

and a parking lot3 of concepts to be included in the map was given to the participants.

The participants had the freedom to evolve new categories, club similar ones and also

omit categories they thought were insignificant. Each category was written on post-its

which could be moved around on a chart paper by the group. A skeleton map was

finally evolved after two hours of group discussion and the final map was drawn up in

the following session.

The following map was constructed with the help 20 individuals who participated in

the concept mapping study.

3 A list of concepts waiting to be added to a concept map is referred to as a parking lot of concepts (Novak & Cannas, 2006).

54

.

Figure 1. Concept map. Figure 1. Concept map.

55

Concept map.

The concept map that evolved centers on the theme, “Factors that determine

formation and quality of romantic relationship in the Indian context and its

implications on individual's development”. Romantic relationships and its special

features are depicted in the center and the impact of context, at various levels, that is,

chrono (cultural ideology) to micro (personal characteristics) are presented with the

help of connectors.

The special features enlisted are also influenced by the context. For example, the

feature that romantic relationships are central to one’s life or pivotal was more often

reported by the girls. Contexts are interlinked with each other and influence one

another. Further, they jointly influence opposite-sex interaction, subsequent formation

of romantic relationships and consequently the quality of these relationships. The

quality of romantic relationships is also affected by the intensity of the special

features. For example, possessiveness is reported to be desirable to some extent;

however, beyond a point it can become obsessive, especially when accompanied by

lack of trust and understanding. Positive and negative outcomes and relationship

quality share a reciprocal relationship and these aspects together have developmental

implications for the individual. The map has also served to develop the conceptual

framework that will guide future research in this area.

Results from the concept mapping exercise.

This section begins with the highlights of the general trends revealed in the data

Following are some observations of the general trends that the data revealed:

• Most of the participants had many opposite-sex friends.

56

• All couples met at some educational setting.

• All relationships are reported to be hundred percent committed; however, they

have revealed that the future also depends on parents and other societal

factors.

• All the participants reported to have faced disagreements in their relationships.

• Parents do not support or appreciate opposite-sex interactions or romantic

relationships. Most participants feel that the parents have some doubt or notion

about their involvement in a relationship, but there is no direct conversation

between the parents and children. For instance, “My mom heard me talking to

my girlfriend once … she has not told me directly, but she taunts me at times

… like I know what’s going on”

• There is not much discrepancy in the way romantic relationships are

conceptualized by individuals who are currently involved and those who are

not currently involved.

Due to modernization and subsequent change in people’s mind set, romantic

relationships come about less secretively. This is in line with reports from other

studies which indicate that in the present context, rules limiting opposite-sex contacts

and romantic relationships are becoming more flexible for urban India youth (Booth,

2000). The changes in the modes of socialization owing to the changes in the social,

political, economic and technological scenarios as Indian identities become

fragmented between Western ethos and traditional Indian culture (Verma &

Saraswathi, 2000), could explain this trend among the urban middle and upper classes

in India.

57

However, the negative attitude of the people towards romantic relationships is still the

norm of the day. All couples, even when their parents knew about the relationship,

found it extremely difficult to meet. In the words of a 22 year old boy, “Milne mein

problem hote hai, sab chup ke karna padta hai” (meeting each other is a problem, we

have to hide from the public glare). Because of these restrictions, the couples feel that

the relationship suffers, communicating with each other becomes difficult, and hence

the personal and private contact which is required for intimacy to germinate and

develop is unavailable. Interestingly, despite an increase in romantic involvement

among the upper classes in the urban settings, ‘romantic love’ is rarely considered as

a source of mate selection.

In the Indian context, the everyday experiences of romantic relationships are greatly

influenced by the prevalent gender norms. With social mores being stricter for girls,

problems are accentuated for them. For instance, “There areproblems for me, not for

him … whenever we meet I have to tell him ke aju baju dekha karo (be vigilant) … he

doesn’t have a problem, even to meet on the roads but I get afraid … ” Another major

concern expressed mainly by the girls was that due to the clandestine nature of the

relationship, they needed to lie to parents, which in turn created feelings of distancing

from parents and also a sense of guilt.

Summary of findings from the concept mapping process.

Romantic relationships are a common phenomenon. Nevertheless most of them are

hidden from the public eye. The cultural and societal mores interfere not only with the

formation and quality of romantic relationships, but also the parent-adolescent

relationship. The couples fail to receive the required support and understanding from

58

them. The partners are more often looked upon negatively by the “custodians of

morality” and their feelings are not respected.

Romantic relationships are the most salient of the interpersonal relationships and have

a great potential for directing individual development positively. However, this

possibility has not been explored. The concept map study provides a direction for

focused research in this area. It presents a framework interlinking the various factors

impinging on romantic relationships in the Indian urban upper middle class context;

and the in-depth personal interviews with the respondents have given insights into the

areas that need intervention, which in turn can guide emerging adults towards healthy

adulthood.

The concept map along with the theoretical framework was used to develop the

conceptual framework of the study. The conceptual framework is depicted in the next

section following the rationale and the theoretical framework.

Rationale

Romantic relationships are important developmental milestones and have significant

developmental consequences for individuals engaged in them. There is much that

needs to be understood about the phenomenon central to identity formation during

emerging adulthood, especially in post-industrial non-western cultures. The delicate

balance essential for developing ‘healthy relationships’ and navigating through the

ecstasies and agonies of intimacies, calls for understanding links between romantic

experiences and various developmental outcomes. Studying the cultural values can

help reflect whether these values promote individual development or stifle individual

freedom. Discussions pertaining to ancient practicality of the culture in matters of

59

love and problems faced due to present repressions in the society may help us revive

and relive the ‘old’ but practical approaches towards romantic love. The broader

implication of the study is to restructure the society in a more intelligent way, keeping

in mind the direction of change in the present scenario due to myopic imitation of the

westernized worldview. This kind of work, though important, has not been a subject

of intense study and deliberation in the Indian context.

Theoretical Framework

The behavioral systems theory draws from the seminal work of attachment theory and

Sullivan’s theory, integrating some of the best components from both theories and

moving ahead to overcome some of the previous limitations.

Key ideas from the behavioral systems theory that guides the present

conceptual framework.

1. Romantic relationships are pivotal in one’s life.

The first key idea of behavioral systems theory is that the romantic partner

becomes the foremost attachment figure in the functioning of the attachment,

care giving, affiliative, and sexual/reproductive behavioral systems in the adult

life. Before adolescence, parents and peers play an important role in

functioning of attachment, care giving and affiliative systems and later on as

adolescence progresses, romantic partners become “central to life” as also

revealed in the concept map.

60

2. Romantic love is a universal phenomenon but mediated by cultural factors.

The ethological approach to romantic relationships suggests that pair-bonding

had evolved as an adaptation instinct in the species and hence is universally

applicable to homo-sapiens. Some of the reasons suggested by the

evolutionary history for the need for pair bonding include concealed ovulation

and prolonged parenting required to raise the human offspring. Given the

historical cause for the phenomenon, the theory however does not deny the

proximal causes for the manifestations of the behavior in various cultures. The

timing for the activation of these behavioral systems will depend largely on

cultural norms.

3. Focus on intra relationships views that shape current relationships

experiences.

People generally enter relationships with preconceptions about what a

relationship should be like based on views of a particular relationship shaped

by the nature of interactions and experiences in that relationship, by past

experiences in similar relationships, and finally by past experiences in other

relationships. This also suggests cross-relationship links.

In behavioral systems framework, views of different types of relationships are

expected to be moderately related, not highly related nor unrelated. Therefore,

the framework places emphasis on the ongoing experiences of particular

romantic relationships, which is also the focus of the present study. The reason

is that romantic relationships have distinct features that will lead to distinct

experiences and views with each new romantic bond. Also, the specific

61

partners are not the same individuals as in the previous relationships; hence

they shape the course of the current relationship. The framework also has a

developmental perspective as it suggests continuities and discontinuities in

views and developmental changes which may occur both within the course of

a particular relationship, and over the course of a series of relationships.

The concept map validates ideas presented by the theoretical framework. It

clearly shows that relationships are shaped by the context and delineates

contextual factors that shape views about romantic relationships and also

depicts how they in turn impact development.

Conceptual Framework

Figure 2. Conceptual framework.

62

Figure 2 depicts the conceptual framework guiding the present study. Romantic

relationship like any human phenomenon under study is a product of its socio-cultural

milieu. The city of Baroda is dynamic under the influence of globalization.

Globalization, free market economy, consumerism change the basic value structure in

any given society. The technological advancement, education oriented towards

developing human resources for enhancing Gross Domestic Product (GDP), and

empowerment of emerging adults in terms of information technology and mobility

dramatically affect the choices an emerging adult faces compared to not only one’s

grandparents or parents, but even older siblings. For young women this change is

even more striking. Yet, some conventional memes may persist because of the

context’s unique history and traditional ideologies.

This contextual understanding is important in trying to understand romantic

relationship as a construct in a particular society. One part of the study unravels the

beliefs, attitudes and concepts related to romantic love, intimacy, close relationships,

marriage, commitment and related concepts. Taking the developmental perspective,

the framework helps in appreciating the impact of romantic relationship on

developmental outcomes such as emotional states, behaviors and competencies. Here,

the romantic relationship serves as a context for development and therefore is a

process variable.

The framework provides for the bi-directional relationships between the context,

romantic relationships and the variables under study. Contextual factors such as the

prevailing norms, values and attitudes in the contemporary society along with the

prescribed gender roles determine the relationship experiences. Relationships

experiences in terms of relationship timing, unique features, rules and norms within

63

particular relationships influence relationship quality and consequently affect

developmental outcomes, for instance, subjective well-being. Psychological well-

being (developmental outcome) will in turn determine relationship states and quality

that will redefine relationships and experiences.

The research questions for the study are as follows.

Broad and Specific Research Questions

� What are the romantic experiences and beliefs of emerging adults in the

Indian context?

o How do emerging adults and middle adults conceptualize a romantic

relationship and what is its connection to marriage in an Indian

society?

In the Indian context getting to know the views and attitudes of middle

adults (parents) is crucial in understanding emerging adult’s

experiences of romantic relationships. Although various relationship

variables have been included in the study, the special mention of

commitment to marry is hypothesized to be a distinct feature of the

Indian context.

o What are the age and gender differences in the beliefs and

perceptions?

The participants include emerging adults as well as middle adult men

and women to find out intergenerational and gender differences. In

societies all over the world and specifically the contemporary society

64

of India there exists gender disparity and subjugation of women. This

question would highlight specific gender norms and also reveal

important memes regarding the onset and nature of romantic

relationships.

• What contextual factors shape the romantic beliefs and attitudes of

emerging adults in the Indian context?

Here the investigator is looking for the memes pertaining to heterosexual

romantic love before marriage and the resulting attitude of the members of the

society towards emerging adults engaged in romantic relationships.

o What are the perceptions and experiences of emerging adults about

parental and societal attitudes towards romantic relationships?

o What is the attitude of middle adults towards romantic relationships

of their emerging adult children?

The answer to the first specific question would reveal the perceptions and

experiences of the emerging adults while the second question will give direct

information about societal attitudes by unraveling the attitudes of the middle

adults as parent figures of emerging adults.

� What is the nature of romantic relationship and how does it influence

developmental outcomes?

Researches show that there is a direct relationship between relationship quality

and positive feelings and general well-being.

65

o What is the impact of quality of romantic relationship on perceived

happiness of individuals involved in a romantic relationship?

o How does gender mediate the way relationship quality affects

happiness?

Subjective happiness is a good indicator of positive developmental outcomes

or general well-being and hence it has been specifically mentioned here, even

though various other outcomes have been discussed in the study. Gender

differences are likely because both ethological and cultural theorists suggest

that the two sexes relate differently and hence are likely to experience the

relationships distinctly.

The next chapter 2 documents the methodological approaches adopted for the

present study.

MethodMethodMethodMethod

66

CHAPTER 2

METHOD

This chapter presents the objectives central to understanding the phenomenon of

romantic relationships in a specific cultural milieu and explicates the procedures for

collecting and analyzing the data.

The chapter is organized under the following sections:

1. Key terms

2. Objectives

a. Broad objectives

b. Specific objective

3. Research design

a. Phase 1 and phase 2 of the study

b. Sample and sampling techniques

c. Tools for data collection

d. Procedure for data collection

4. Plan of analysis

a. Qualitative analysis

b. Validity and reliability issues

c. Quantitative analysis

d. Modes of data display

67

Key Terms

• Romantic relationship: a mutual and special bond between an opposite-sex

couple which is not formalized by law or public ceremonies. The relationship

is special because the other person is called a lover, a boyfriend/girlfriend or a

significant other and is different from other opposite-sex

friendships/relationships.

• Developmental outcomes: are discussed in terms of

o Endpoints: For example, finding a suitable mate or spouse

o Competencies: For example, management of negative emotions

o Implications: Leading to positive states such as positive feelings of joy,

relaxation, satisfaction and security as perceived by the subjects for

themselves (subjective or perceived happiness) or negative states of

insecurity, loss of freedom and such.

• Emerging adults: College going individuals in the age range of 18-25 plus

years belonging to middle or upper middle socio-economic class.

Objectives

Broad objectives.

� Know the romantic experiences and beliefs of emerging adults in the Indian

context.

� Determine the contextual factors that shape romantic perceptions, beliefs and

attitudes of emerging adults in the Indian context.

68

� Describe the nature of these relationships and the impact on developmental

outcomes of emerging adults in the Indian context.

Specific objectives.

• Study the concept of romantic relationship and its connection to marriage

among the emerging adults and middle adults in an Indian society.

• Know parental and societal attitude towards romantic relationships and its

effects on romantic perceptions, beliefs and attitudes of emerging adults in an

Indian context.

• Examine the generation and gender differences in the perceptions, beliefs and

attitudes.

• Study the impact of quality of romantic relationship on perceived happiness.

• Study the gender differences in the way relationship quality affects happiness.

Research Design

The study used mixed methods. It adopted a qualitative approach called

phenomenography and also used quantitative measures such as a rating scale to assess

the quality of relationship and happiness to supplement the qualitative data. This is a

phenomenographical study with interpretative perspectives. It is a phenomenography

because it discerns patterns in conceptualization of the phenomena. A phenomenon is

an “item of experience or reality” and phenomenography is the description of these

experiences. Phenomenographers study how people explain to themselves and others

what goes on around them and how these explanations or conceptualizations change

(Tesch, 1990). The approach is interpretative because it seeks to postulate conceptual

69

linkages and find underlying principles which may be generally applicable to similar

situations. In this sense, it is more theory oriented than other ethnographic

approaches.

Understanding romantic relationship experiences in a given context requires that it be

understood from the viewpoints of individuals who are influenced by and influencing

the given context. The present study contributes to the understanding of cultural

memes about love, intimacy, relationships and therefore, social life. It unravels the

experienced realties of the participants.

Phase 1 and phase 2 of the study.

The study was divided into two phases. The first phase focused on a cross-section of

the society for discovering their views about the phenomena. The cross-section

included emerging adults (EA) and middle adults (MA) who had children in the phase

of emerging adulthood. The second phase focused on the experiences and pairing

processes entailed in romantic relationships, as described by emerging adults, who

were involved in a romantic relationship for at least a minimum period of six months

at the time of data collection. The following section addresses aspects pertaining to

the participants of the study.

Sample and sampling technique.

Sample.

• The participants of the study included college going emerging adults in the age

range of 18-25 plus years, who were

o either currently engaged in romantic relationships, or

70

o not currently involved.

• Middle adults in their 50s-60s plus years, having children in the age range

of 18 -25 plus years.

Table 3 presents the rationale for selecting the sample.

Rationale for sample.

Table 3

Sample and rationale

Participants Rationale

Why emerging adults? The purpose is to understand romantic relationships from the perspective of emerging adults as the study is concerning them.

Why individuals presently involved in romantic relationships?

They provide information based on their experience and hence the data collected is of phenomenological value.

Why individuals who are not currently involved and may have no past experience either?

Information from this group will place the phenomenon in context as it will report the ‘outsiders’ perceptions and observations, that is, providing societal perspectives.

Why middle adults? To understand relationships in India, it is vital to take into account the views of the parents. To ensure the privacy of the individuals (EAs), it was decided to include middle adults who had children in the age group of 18-25 years, and not necessarily the parents of participating EAs.

Why equal representation of men and women?

To capture the voices of both genders and to compare the impact of the phenomenon on both groups in the context.

Sampling technique.

Purposive snow balling technique helped in finding prospective participants.

71

Process of identifying the participants.

The emerging adults were contacted through various colleges of Baroda. Emerging

adults currently involved in a romantic relationship were contacted through their

friends. The researcher also approached couples sitting in gardens or university

campuses. Middle adults were contacted through residential societies and also through

emerging adults taking part in the study.

The researcher made sure to communicate to the prospective participants that

confidentiality and their ‘privacy’ will not be breeched and that they were free to

withdraw from the interview anytime they felt uncomfortable or simply chose not to

answer any question which they found indiscreet. Moreover, they were informed that

the interview would be scheduled at any time and place they felt appropriate.The

couples, who were approached or ‘disturbed’ when they were spending some quiet

time in the gardens, were friendly but shy about listening to the researcher about the

study. In two cases the emerging adult was discouraged by their romantic partner

from lending an ear to the researcher. In one case, it was the girlfriend and in the other

it was the boyfriend. Only one emerging adult girl opted out of the study after giving

informed consent because she felt the questions were too ‘private’.

Figure 3 displays the sample size and distribution across the two phases of the study.

72

Sample size and distribution.

Figure 3. Sample size and distribution.

EAF - Emerging Adult Female

EAM - Emerging Adult Male

MAF -Middle Adult Female

MAM - Middle Adult Male

RRF - Emerging Adult Female Currently Engaged in a Romantic Relationship

RRM - Emerging Adult Male Currently Engaged in a Romantic Relationship

Note: For middle adults most of the questionnaires were filled by the researcher after

recording their verbatim responses. This was more time consuming than a self-

administered questionnaire. Hence, it was decided to reduce the sample size for

middle adults from 50 to 30: 15 middle adult females and 15 middle adult males. The

data provided were rich interview texts and the time taken for each was 3 hours on an

average.

Sample Size and Distribution (N=110) Sample Size and Distribution (N=110)

Phase 1 (n=80) Phase 1 (n=80) Phase 2 (n=30) Phase 2 (n=30)

RRM (n = 15) RRM (n = 15) RRF (n = 15) RRF (n = 15) MAF (15) + MAM (15)= MA (n = 30) MAF (15) + MAM (15)= MA (n = 30)

EAF (25) + EAM (25)= EA (n = 50) EAF (25) + EAM (25)= EA (n = 50)

73

Tools for Data Collection

All tools were constructed by the researcher.

1. Demographic Form: Age, gender, income group, relationship status, length

of relationship (in months), romantic partner’s age, sex, and occupation,

parent’s education (Appendix A).

2. Open-ended Questionnaire for Emerging Adults (Appendix B).

3. Open-ended Questionnaire for Middle Adults (Appendix C).

4. Open-ended Interview Guideline (Appendix D).

5. A 5 point Likert Type Rating Scale on the domains such as satisfaction,

happiness, commitment, acceptance, passion, trust, and understanding for

Emerging Adults currently engaged in a romantic relationship to

supplement their qualitative responses (Appendix E).

Table 4 presents the objectives, tools and domains covered.

74

Table 4

Objectives, Tools and Domains

The focus of the study was to understand romantic relationships as a phenomenon in

an Indian context and hence for the phase 1 of the study an open-ended questionnaire

was developed. The open-ended questionnaire was designed for emerging adults and

middle adults to know the perceptions and beliefs related to the domains: concept of

No. Objectives Tools Domains Covered

1 Study the concept of romantic relationship and its connection to marriage amongst the emerging adults and middle adults in an Indian society.

Open-ended questionnaire for emerging adults. Open-ended questionnaire for middle adults.

Concept of romantic love/romantic relationships Perceptions of intimacy Love marriage connection.

2 Know the beliefs of emerging adults and middle adults about parental and societal attitude towards romantic relationships.

Open-ended questionnaire for emerging adults. Open-ended questionnaire for middle adults.

Attitudes of parents and the society and need for support, existing norms of the society, suggestions for a better society.

3 Examine the generation and gender differences in the beliefs, attitudes and perceptions.

Open-ended questionnaire for emerging adults. Open-ended questionnaire for middle adults. Open-ended interview guideline for emerging adults currently engaged in a romantic relationship.

All domains, where ever applicable.

4 Study the impact of quality of romantic relationship on perceived happiness.

Open-ended interview guideline for emerging adults currently engaged in a romantic relationship. Rating scale for emerging adults currently engaged in a romantic relationship.

Relationship experiences happiness, satisfaction commitment, passion, trust, self-disclosure.

5 Study the gender differences in the way relationship quality affects happiness.

Open-ended interview guideline for emerging adults currently engaged in a romantic relationship. Rating scale for emerging adults currently engaged in a romantic relationship.

All domains, where ever applicable.

75

romantic love and romantic relationships, perceptions of intimacy, love-marriage

connection, contribution to general well-being (e.g., happiness), society’s attitude and

parental support.

Of the 20 questions, 15 were common for both emerging adults and middle adults.

The last five questions were differently worded for both to make it relevant to them

for their particular life stage. For example, in the domain for parental support the

question for emerging adults is

o What is your parents’ attitude towards opposite-sex friendships and

romantic relationships? What do you feel about it? (Appendix B).

and for the middle adults it is

o If your daughter told you that she is into a romantic relationship, what

would be your reaction? How would you feel? What would you do?

Why? (Appendix C).

For phase 2 an open-ended interview guideline (Appendix D) was used to gather data

from individuals involved in a romantic relationship. The guideline comprised 29

questions related to the domains: concept of romantic love and romantic relationships,

making pairing contacts, perceptions of intimacy, and expectations from romantic

relationships, love-marriage connection, contribution to general well-being and

parental support.

All the tools were developed by the investigator. They were translated in Gujarati

with the help of a friend competent in Gujarati. A component of Kephart’s (1967)

Love-Marriage connection scale has been included after re-wording and extending it

76

to make it more suitable for the purpose of the present study. For example, the

original item was:

If a boy (girl) had all other qualities you desired, would you marry this person

if you were not in love with him (her)?

(Yes/no)

It has been changed to:

If a man (woman) had all other qualities I desired, I would marry this person

even though I was not in love with him (her).

(Agree/Disagree/Undecided)Why?

Also, probes were included during interview.

The rating scale (Appendix E) on the domains satisfaction, happiness, commitment,

acceptance, passion, trust, and understanding was used for emerging adults currently

engaged in a romantic relationship to supplement their qualitative responses. The

rating scale had 22 statements and the participants rated them according to how much

the statement was true with reference to their current relationship.

Field testing the tool.

The tools were administered to five emerging adults and five middle adults to check

the language comprehension and appropriateness of the questions before giving them

to experts to establish content validity.

77

Content validity.

The tools for Phase 1 and 2 were content validated by experts from the fields of

Human Development and Family Studies, Psychology, Anthropology, Sociology and

Education. The following feedback was received:

• Both the questionnaire and the interview guideline were found to be

exhaustive.

• More explicit probes on issues related to inter-caste and inter-religion pairings

while talking about social norms was recommended.

• An item related to middle adults opposite-sex relationships before their

marriage was added.

• Other suggestions included restructuring certain questions to improve

comprehension and reordering items in the rating scale.

Based on the suggestions, necessary changes were made in the tools. Before finalizing

the tools they were field tested again on four people; two emerging adults and two

middle adults. The questions were easily understood by all respondents, but they

found the tool slightly lengthy to complete. They also found the first question most

difficult to express in words, and wanted the researcher to explain what she meant by

“romantic love”. It became necessary to clarify that it is their concept, ideas and

feelings about romantic love which are pertinent to the research and therefore they are

free to report their views, and that there are no right or wrong answers to these

questions. Further, it is not about what others think or feel but about what they think

and feel about the phenomenon under study.

78

Procedure for data collection.

As mentioned earlier the emerging adults were identified through colleges and other

educational institutions and residential societies. Middle adults were contacted

through residential societies. After giving credence to the confidentiality to the

respondents, written consent procedures were followed. The demographic details

were filled out and an identification code was assigned to each participant. For

example, the identification code EAF 01 stands for Emerging Adult Female

respondent no. 1 and similarly RRF is Emerging Adult Female currently involved in a

Romantic Relationship and MAM stands for Middle Adult Male. Therefore, there are

six categories viz. EAF, EAM, MAF, MAM, RRF, and RRM. The open ended

questionnaire for EAF, EAM, MAF, MAM (phase 1) consisting of twenty open-ended

questions took about 1.5 hours on an average to complete. All questionnaires were

filled in the presence of the researcher and at times the researcher filled the

questionnaire as dictated by the participants. Each interview for the RRF and RRM

(phase 2) comprising the 29 open ended question guideline and a 22 item rating scale

took an average of approximately 3.5 hours to complete.

Reflections on data collection.

Most participants found the questionnaire interesting but quite lengthy. They reported

that they had not given a thought to such questions and it was interesting to learn

about their own thoughts and they could write a lot about it. This was more so the

case with the emerging adults, especially with the girls. Many participants preferred to

talk extensively than write an open-ended questionnaire, reiterating the emphasis on

oral tradition in the Indian culture till date. This was, however, more the case with the

middle adults. There were a few emerging adults who said they loved to write and had

79

been missing it since long and were happy to write extensively on this topic

particularly.

Many individuals currently involved in a relationship were happy to talk about their

relationships. Some reported that their partner may not like the idea of giving such

interviews. However, when privacy and confidentiality was assured along with their

right not to answer certain questions or withdraw from the interview if they felt like,

even midway, most of them were willing to talk. There were no incidences of

dropouts during the interviews or refusal to answer any specific question.

The investigator found that by and large girls were able to articulate their thoughts

and feelings quite clearly and quickly compared to boys, with reference to their own

relationships. Although the boys talked less, their interviews were longer (in terms of

time) compared to the girls, on an average. They would think and smile and wonder

mostly and talk less and use few words. This could have an implication for

methodology as we know from researches and common observations that men are not

used to talking about intimate topics as much as women, and also they are not used to

talking face to face, or making eye contacts even while doing things together in their

close friendships with other men (e.g., Fisher, 2006). However this bias, in favor of

women, was taken care of to an extent because men’s account of what love, intimacy

and relationships mean, are equally represented.

The researcher also understands that the questions were too erudite for a topic such as

this as it is not easy (nor otherwise desirable) to literally define love, intimacy or even

a relationship. Nevertheless, it was important to do the groundwork as previous

studies are almost absent in this area, and hence the tools, by purpose, were designed

to capture the details and nuances associated with the phenomenon.

80

Plan of Analysis

Qualitative analysis.

The unit of analysis is “utterances” of the participants from in-depth interviews and

notes of respondents from the questionnaire. The data from each participant were

viewed as a whole rather than coding them after taking snapshots of particular

questions and assigning them to categories.

Each complete verbatim describing a particular attitude was coded under categories

(interpretative perspectives) and the same verbatim was coded under several

categories at times. As the categories got filled with “data” and each category was

properly characterized, the investigator looked for the frequency of occurrence of

each perspective in the different groups of participants. This was done so as to get the

total picture as well as to make inter-group comparisons between gender and age. The

qualitative data were quantified into frequencies wherever applicable (Maxwell,

1996).

The aforementioned outcomes were accomplished by employing the following:

1. All the interviews were transcribed by the investigator.

2. All the transcripts and respondent notes from the questionnaire were digitized

by the investigator and her typists.

3. The .doc (MS-Word) files were converted into rtf (rich text formats) files

imported to text analysis software called MAXQDA (2007).

4. MAXQDA text analysis software facilitated easy access to multiple transcripts

at the same time.

81

5. It was possible to assign whole verbatim to different codes and refine the

coding process as more and more codes where included in particular

categories.

6. The verbatim quotes were then retrieved under the codes along with their sub-

codes and frequencies and exported to excel files in order to create tables and

graphs.

7. MAX MAPS were used to display certain results.

Validity and reliability issues.

Strategies for ensuring validity.

The following strategies were employed to eliminate validity threats:

a. Member Checks: During the process of interview systematic feedback was

sought from the participant. The interviewer narrated it back to the participant,

using her own words to check whether the meaning of what was being said

was rightly understood by the investigator. In case of disagreement,

clarification was sought immediately. For the data from open-ended

questionnaires in the form of respondent notes, clarification was sought

telephonically in case of any ambiguity or doubt.

b. Triangulation of sources: The data were collected from a cross-section of the

society using both qualitative and quantitative methods.

c. “Rich” data: The interviews and open-ended questionnaire were dense with

information revealing picture of their beliefs, attitudes and concepts in great

detail. The unit of analysis is the utterances from the interview transcripts.

82

d. Searching for discrepant evidences: Each complete verbatim describing a

particular attitude was coded under categories (interpretative perspectives) and

while looking for the frequency of prevalence of these perspectives in the data,

unique cases where also documented (Maxwell, 1996).

Inter-coder reliability.

To check the inter coder reliability, 10% of the total data were independently analyzed

by two coders. The percentage agreement was established after analyzing the coded

information for agreement and discrepancies. Most instances of disagreement were

related to the names of the codes rather than conceptual discrepancies. For example,

“understanding each other’s silence is love” was coded as “intuitive oneness” by one

coder and “telepathy” by the other. This was sorted by mutually agreeing and

retaining the most suitable code for the number of responses within that code.

The percentage agreement of 94.51% was calculated using the following formula

Agreement (A) = (U-De)/ (U+1/2X) * 100

Where,

U = total number of instances agreed (+signs)

De = total number of disagreements in coding

X = total number of clauses coded by one person and not by another (Saraswathi &

Dutta, 1988, p. 31). The percentage of consensus was calculated for instances of

discrepancy in codes.

83

Quantitative analysis.

• Means and standard deviations for all domains (satisfaction, acceptance,

passion, trust, commitment, understanding and happiness) of the rating scales

were computed.

• Pearson’s correlation was used to identify relationships between happiness and

each domain (satisfaction, acceptance, passion, trust, commitment, and

understanding) of the rating scale separately and also for all combined

domains.

• The t-test was used to analyze data from rating scales and for gender

comparisons.

Modes of data display.

In the next chapter, an attempt is made to interpret the data to derive information and

generate knowledge by converging, correlating and identifying linkages, patterns and

underlying principles associated with the phenomenon and its processes. The

following modes of data display are employed:

1. Frequency and verbatim tables

2. Charts

3. Diagrams

4. Love tales

Chapter 3 presents the results and interpretations.

ResultsResultsResultsResults

AndAndAndAnd

InterpretationsInterpretationsInterpretationsInterpretations

84

CHAPTER 3

RESULTS AND INTERPRETATIONS

This chapter presents the results of the study under the following five sections, each

section covering one or more objectives of the study.

Section 1 - Socio-demographic profile of the respondents

Section 2 - Construal of romantic relationships and related terms

Section 3 - Romantic relationships, commitment and marriage in the Indian context

Section 4 - Societal factors shaping experiences and outcomes of romantic

relationships

Section 5 - Romantic relationship processes and developmental outcomes

Section 1

Socio-Demographic Profile of the Respondents

This section summarizes the socio-demographic information related to the study

participants (Table 5).

85

Table 5

Socio-Demographic Information of the Study Participants N=110

Participants Education Levels Income groups Occupation Up to

High School

Graduation Post-Graduation

M. Phil/ Ph.D.

No Response

Middle Upper Middle

No Response

Students Home Maker

Service Business/ Profession

Retired No Response

EAF (25) - 15 8 - - 8 14 3 25 - - - - - EAM (25) - 11 13 - 1 5 19 1 25 - - - - - MAF (25) 3 7 1 2 2 - 14 1 - 6 7 - 1 1 MAM (15) 1 7 4 - 4 - 12 3 - - 5 6 1 3 RRF (15) - 11 4 - - 3 12 - 15 - - - - - RRM (15) - 8 6 - - 9 6 - 15 - - - - - Rp (RRF) 2 12 - - 1 4 10 1 15 - - - - - Rp (RRM) 1 8 1 - 4 3 6 5 15 - - - - - RRF (Mother) 4 8 - - 3 - - - - 12 3 - - - RRF (Father) 1 7 6 - 1 - - - - - 9 3 2 1 RRM (Mother) 6 5 2 - 1 - - - - 12 1 - 1 RRM (Father)4 1 7 3 - 1 - - - - - - 8 4 1

Fifty two percent of the emerging adults and their romantic partners were under graduates and the remaining were graduates, all currently pursuing education. Only 6% of the romantic partners of the girls were doing a

part-time job along with studying. Middle adults were mostly graduates; and 17% were postgraduates, both men and women. Only two women had not been to college. All participants reported that they were either

from middle or upper-middle income groups. Eighty seven percent of emerging adults’ mothers were home-makers.

4RR - Romantic Relationship

RP - Romantic Partner

RRF - Emerging Adult Female Currently Engaged in a RR

RRM - Emerging Adult Male Currently Engaged in a RR

RP (RRF) – Romantic Partner Of Emerging Adult Female Currently Engaged in a RR

RP (RRM) - Romantic Partner Of Emerging Adult Male Currently Engaged in a RR

EAF - Emerging Adult Female

EAM - Emerging Adult Male

MAF – Middle Adult Female

MAM - Middle Adult Male

86

Section 2

Construal of Romantic Relationships and Related Terms

Conceptualizing Romantic Relationships

This section presents the various conceptualizations of romantic relationships by both

emerging adults and middle adults. The concept maps (see Figures 4, 5, 6 & 7) include

definitions of romantic love, ideas about intimacy and also unique features that distinguish a

romantic relationship from other close relationships. They also display various behaviors,

thoughts and feelings which can be specially attributed to romantic relationships. These have

been called symptomatic indicators because they serve as indicators to determine whether one

is romantically involved or not. Figure 4 displays illustrative definitions of romantic love by

the participants. It is interesting to note that while boys have viewed romantic love as a state,

women and girls have talked about it as a process. Inter-linkages among figures 4, 5, 6 and 18

are presented as a concept map of romantic relationships and developmental outcomes.

(Appendix F ).

87

Figure 4. Illustrative definitions of romantic relationships.

88

Figure 5. Conceptualizations of romantic relationships. (cont … )

Cont… Cont…

89

Figure 5. Conceptualizations of romantic relationships. (prev … )

PrevPrev

90

Figure 6. Symptomatic indicators of romantic relationships.

91

As Figure 5 displays, 66% of the responses indicate ‘trust’, ‘complete transparency’, total

involvement and the freedom to be oneself as the most essential components of romantic

relationships. When probed further, different aspects and levels of ‘trust’ were captured.

Mostly people defined trust as the liberty to be as vulnerable and open to the partner as one is

to oneself. This also indicates that the depth of the relationship is accounted by both, the

intensity and the level of involvement, which is integrated and holistic. In the words of a

middle adult man, “It is holistic … it is not like it is more emotional or intellectual and less

sexual or vice versa because then it deteriorates … To sustain such a relationship equal

amount of interest in all these areas is necessary”. Similar memes also shape the idea of

intimacy as seen in Figure 7.

At the intensity level romantic love is almost to the heights of madness, because reason and

societal norms cannot capture the heights and depths of its intensity. In the words of a boy,

“Romantic love is an impulse, urge, obsession or passion to merge into the other person

entirely”, or as another emerging adult says, “It is surprising to what length one can go to

just see a smile on her face”. Further, because love is not looked upon as very rational, it

always has a streak of mystery, magic and something higher than oneself. This also entails

thrill and excitement. Therefore, for many, love included all paradoxes as depicted in the

following responses:

Girl: “Anything that excites your senses as well as calms you. It leads to surrender your

ego and enhance your spirit to a higher level”.

Girl: “Sometimes love makes you laugh, sometimes cry. It’s very special feeling which

comes in every one’s life”.

Boy:“ … it can give you feeling of heaven and hell at the same time”.

92

Girl: “Like I feel secured and insecure at the same time, happy and sad, bright and dull

almost all the feelings. I believe it’s up to us to feel in a specific manner. Life has both

sides. Similarly, every relationship too”.

Love is unreasonable also in a sense that, “Romantic love is the celebration of ‘sweet

nothings’” and thus “a celebration of ordinary moments”. Therefore, “The people who are in

a romantic relationship feel happy and light inside”. And this beauty, bliss and madness

cannot occur unless one can be totally and completely open with the partner. No wonder

while talking about romantic love, respondents have used words such as pure, genuine and

from the heart.

For some respondents, however, being trusted implied that no explanations and justifications

are needed in a relationship. Both partners take it for granted that their partner is incapable of

doing something seriously wrong (which they do not expect their partner to do) no matter

what ‘others’ have to say about it. In words of a romantically involved girl, “Trust means that

if someone says anything about us, he should know that this person can’t do such a thing –

‘this can’t happen’”. At the same time, certain lying behaviors were permissible, “Lies about

trivial things are ok, but not the kind that would hurt others, like, if I am with my friends and

I am not able to call then I lie to him, I say ‘I am busy’, all the more because he doesn’t like

my friends”, commented a girl. Sometimes lies are permissible when it is not the right time to

divulge the truth “ … no, not at all for hiding, later, some other time you can say, it is a kind

of life management. Everything must be handled patiently”. In this context one respondent, a

middle adult woman has talked about romantic love as an art, which is required to be

cultivated and nurtured. At the same time, a romantic relationship is also looked upon as a

basic need and respondents narrated that it is a natural phenomenon, something that is hard-

wired in our species.

93

Distinguishing features of romantic relationships.

As a romantic bond entails involvement of the individual as a whole, physical relationship is

one of the most significant aspects that characterize romantic relationships. For example, a

girl says, “We allow him or her to touch and to be touched,” or as another emerging adult

puts it, “ … you can also explore the sexual aspect of being”. Being in a romantic

relationship also means that the relationship is volitional in terms of choice of partner and

also the activities that one can engage in together. A boy illustrates this, “It is of your choice,

by yourself and the limitations that should be maintained with parents or other relatives

disappear here” or as a romantically involved girl puts it, “Romantic love for me is freedom

of thought, speech and action and much beyond that too, you always get to discover more

dimensions of it as time passes by, it is freshness, innovation and an opportunity for a life

time”.

The degree of closeness, openness, depth and oneness that one experiences in romantic

relationships are incomparable with other relationships. For example, a boy declared, “The

extent to which one may go to maintain, sustain or forward such a relationship far exceeds in

limit of the extent we would go to in other close relationships” or as a romantically involved

girl puts it, “Understanding is so much that half of the things need not be said”. The

relationships are reported to be central to one’s life around which everything else revolves.

Ironically, because of the very depth and importance attached to romantic relationships

possessiveness, control, insecurity and vulnerability are also special features attributed to it.

As a romantically involved girl complains, “I have to do what he wants, I have to wear this-

that. We have to run on time. In other relationships you can say no, in this, you have to do

what he wants”. Along with factors such as jealousy, possessiveness, arguments on petty

matters, questions on trust, pain and sorrow are accepted or expected to be a part of these

94

relationships. The fact that these relationships are based on individual’s choice and freedom,

also makes them the most unstable and vulnerable of close relationships (see Figure 5).

As mentioned earlier, these relationships are beyond conventional norms and, therefore, non-

calculative in economic or even social terms. For instance a middle adult man says, “In a

romantic relationship we learn to keep socially acquired values aside”. These relationships

also teach the individual to think of the other before considering one’s own self. Therefore,

caring behaviors are central to a romantic bond.

Apart from the aforementioned unique features, these romantic relationships are also defined

based on the impact they have on an individual’s mind, body and social interactions as

depicted in the Figure 6. Further details on desirable and undesirable developmental

outcomes are discussed in Section 4.

95

Intimacy Constructs

Figure 7. Summary of ideas pertaining to the meaning of intimacy.

Figure 7 reveals the meanings of intimacy. Intimacy is defined as total openness to one’s

partner. Openness is understood in terms of sharing all the secrets, happy and festive

moments, problems and familial issues and also in terms of sharing the body and mind.

Therefore, intimacy means integrated involvement of an individual at every level. Lying

Intimacy

Constructs

Complete openness

(54)

Integrated involvement

(26)

Intuitive oneness

(20)

Sharing (12)

Restless without

partner (4)

Sex (3)

“Telepathy

understandin

g without

having to say

anything”

“Telepathy

understandin

g without

having to say

anything”

“Being intimate to

me simply means

yeah we are sleeping

together”

“Being intimate to

me simply means

yeah we are sleeping

together”

“You cannot live without

talking to him or meeting

him”

“It is like an oxygen pump

for an asthmatic”

“You cannot live without

talking to him or meeting

him”

“It is like an oxygen pump

for an asthmatic”

“Everything is

included,

…sabkuchaaj

atahai (all

inclusive), if it

is anything

less it is

diplomacy not

intimacy”

“Everything is

included,

…sabkuchaaj

atahai (all

inclusive), if it

is anything

less it is

diplomacy not

intimacy”

“Intimacy is

sharing lives!”

“Intimacy is

sharing lives!”

“…you openly converse,

openly share your heart

out. There is no depth

inside where your partner

cannot reach”

“…you openly converse,

openly share your heart

out. There is no depth

inside where your partner

cannot reach”

96

behavior is considered lethal to a relationship. As reported by a romantically involved girl,

“Any relationship which cannot bear the brunt of truth, I do not think such relationships

should exist”.

Being involved with totality would give a feeling of oneness with the partner which is also a

unique feature of intimacy. According to a middle adult woman, “The person becomes a

single identity” or as a boy puts it “Being able to see yourself in your partner”. This oneness

would engender mutual understanding. Emotional attachment and restlessness in the absence

of a partner also indicates a desire for oneness with the romantic partner. Only three emerging

adults, of which two were girls, solely emphasized sexual intercourse as an indicator of

intimacy. Words such as oneness indicated that they felt at peace even during the physical

absence of their partners, as they always felt their partner’s ‘presence’ and, therefore, were

more content and at peace. On the other hand, words such as attachment indicated feeling

hopeless and restless when deprived of physical contact with their partners. It also included a

shade of possessiveness because of the intense compulsion to claim all the time and attention

of the partner. This was true for both boys and girls.

Again, just as was the case with the construction of trust, the total openness in intimacy

focused on problem sharing more often than the fearless vulnerability that the word

‘openness’ denotes and connotes.

97

Is there a Definite Age or Phase to have a Romantic Relationship?

Sixty eight percent participants feel that romantic relationship is an ageless phenomenon.

Only 32% feel that romantic relationships are bound to a specific age or phase in life, with

more emerging adult girls sharing this sentiment. There were no major intergenerational and

gender differences in the responses. The subsequent chart (See Figure 8) displays the reasons

for their opinions.

Figure 8. Summary of reasons of yes/no responses to the question: Is there a definite age or

phase to have a romantic relationship?

Respondents who have said yes to the importance of specific age or phase for having a

romantic relationship, believe that more than a specific age/phase, it is the maturity level

which is a prerequisite before engaging in the relationship. Therefore, generally we can say

98

that age/phase factor is not an important criterion that determines readiness to engage in a

relationship. As defined by a boy, “Romantic relations can happen anywhere, anytime,

anyplace in spite of their differences like age, cast, religion, races etcetera, it’s the bond

between two welcoming and needy hearts and these hearts never consider their differences”.

Most men including middle adults and emerging adults believe that romantic relationship is

an ageless phenomenon. Although many women have reported the same, they feel that

maturity is very important. “But they should be emotionally mature and be able to take care

of their partners financially, emotionally, in every way and channelize their emotions

constructively”. In reference to maturity, they have laid more emphasis on the psychological

readiness to develop understanding and compassionate relationships with opposite-sex

partners. Some have also included the ability to commit as a component of maturity. For

example, as explained by a girl, “Because, until you get that maturity you usually don’t take

such relationships seriously, and such sorts of time-pass I don’t entertain”. Maturity also

implied the ability to take long term perspective and not deviate from career and other goals.

As a concerned father expressed, “Yes, definite age should be there … just today we read in

paper that a 15 year old in Britain has become a father … this hurts us, this is the time to

study, sports, reading, extra-curricular … At least they should wait till college. They would

mature by then I think … whether they actually mature or not … can’t say”.

Physiological maturity was treated as a prerequisite but not a sufficient condition to form

mature relationships. In fact, many of the respondents including emerging adults felt that one

needs to wait for the raging hormones of the teens to settle down a bit, “Besides becoming

more mature, you also learn to value the other person, have a better understanding of the

responsibilities attached to sustaining a steady relationship (assuming you want one) and the

ramifications if you decide to take your relation to the next level. These unfortunately, are

99

issues that a teenager’s mind is unable to process. I believe the feeling that you develop for

the opposite-sex is simply attraction due to hormones, though you might feel differently at

that time” (girl).

Only middle adults have reported that because most of the older people are already

committed to their spouses and family responsibility, romantic relationship is a domain of the

youth. In the voice of a middle adult woman, “There is a certain age to be romantically

involved because in the older phase you have to be faithful in your existing relationship”.

However, emerging adults especially reported that one can find a right partner at any age and

so it is an ageless phenomenon. Both these responses indicate that romantic involvement is

not necessarily related to marriage.

Interestingly, only men reported that having a romantic relationship is not a one-time

phenomenon. Yet, a contrast is observed (refer section 6) when the emerging adults engaged

in romantic relationships were asked whether it is alright to have had more than one romantic

experience before marriage. Surprisingly, more girls compared to boys said yes. Interestingly,

more boys in contrast to girls had had at least one relationship in the past, before engaging in

their current romantic bond. This is one instance where responses of emerging adults who are

not involved in a relationship contrasted with the ones who were currently in a relationship.

Do Emerging Adults Desire to have a Romantic Relationship?

Among the randomly selected emerging adults, 80% were not involved in a romantic

relationship currently. Among these 80 %, more than 50% responses suggested that emerging

adults, mostly girls, did not want to get involved in a romantic relationship. This is interesting

and surprising given the fact that romantic experiences were associated with heightened

positive states as presented in this section. This was also pointed out by a boy who said,

100

“Although most of my responses in the preceding question focus on the good aspects of a

romantic relationship I would say I am better off being single”.

The most common reason for girls was that they did not want to get cheated in the name of

love and that they were happy being single. In the words of a girl, “I can never trust boys.

One experience is enough for the whole life. I don’t want to make my life hell again. I

destroyed my career after him. Now, I don’t want to take any chance. Life is very smooth

now-a-days and I love to live like this. So I can never wish to be in love again”. Therefore, on

one hand, while any intense experience has the potential to shower immense bliss, the very

intensity can induce fear. The fear of intimacy, the fear of being vulnerable, and also the fear

of making one’s own choices and accepting responsibility for the consequences.

Opposition from parents was also cited as a reason by two girls. Obedience to parents has

been expressed by a girl as, “Because I know that my parents will not accept such a

relationship, although I know it is natural”. Most boys wished to have a romantic partner;

however, one reported that he did not wish to get involved because he would not like to limit

his experience exclusively to one partner. He says, “I prefer to have small bits of good

moments every day with many members of people so, my goodness is not blocked in one

pool”. Interestingly, another boy said that he would not like to engage in a romantic

relationship before marriage because he expects loyalty from his future spouse and so would

like to offer the same to his spouse. Among the emerging adults who wished to have a

romantic relationship, girls sought them for emotional support while boys reported the need

to share their life with someone. However, boys felt that romantic relationship is something

that can neither be demanded from self nor from another person and so they would wish it

happened on its own accord. He says, “But it has to happen on its own. I see no point in

waking up in the morning with a wish that I had a romantic relationship. That way, I would

101

be romantically attracted to every second girl”. Figure 9 that depicts the experiences of

attraction and rejection in love of emerging adults.

Figure 9. Summary of emerging adults’ experiences of attraction and rejection in love.

Figure 9 summarizes the experiences of being attracted to the opposite-sex and at times

being rejected. Fifty percent of the emerging adults have reported experiencing both

attraction and rejection. Thirty percent reported that it was not easy for them to cope with

the experience of being rejected. An emerging adult before being accepted by his current

romantic partner was turned away recounts the experience as follows, “It took me two

days to get out of it, I had not talked to her for those days, although I did attend college”.

A few of them were hurt. A boy says “While waiting I was hurt. I just used to share my

feelings with my friends. She always pretended that she doesn’t know anything”. Yet,

102

with support from friends and with time they could deal with the break-up. Fortunately,

for the remaining 50% these experiences were viewed as a part of life which taught them

to respect individual choices and rights. “It’s ok because there isn’t any assurance to love

and to be loved back” declared a boy who is currently single. In the words of a girl

currently in a relationship, “I took that situation very positively because I keep having

crushes and I didn’t take it seriously”. In fact, a few of emerging adults expressed that

they simply enjoyed the process of wooing and so they continued to woo the desired

partner, while another boy revealed that, “I look for another attraction”. One boy said, “I

was just happy to tell her, express my first love, I did not expect anything”. Such

responses were more common to boys than girls.

However, a good number of emerging adults could not gather the courage to express their

attraction to the person concerned. A boy reveals, “It has happened so many times, but I

have never chased a girl and gathered courage enough to ask, so I don’t know”. This was

more true for boys whereas girls reported that they were just happy being attracted and

never intended to establish a relationship as they felt they were too young when it

happened to them. A girl shares that, “I was just happy to get that feeling for someone

and also I did not think it was the right time for me. I did not know whether in future I

would tell him or not but that was not the right time”.

Whether romantic relationships are linked to marriage or not is a critical question in the

Indian context. The next section presents views about linkages between romantic

relationships and commitment to marry the romantic partner.

103

Section 3

Romantic Relationships, Commitment and Marriage in the Indian Context

This section examines the significance of long term commitment to marry in a romantic

relationship as displayed in Table 6. It also reveals the significance of romantic love for

entering and maintaining a marriage in the Indian context (Table 7).

104

Table 6

Importance of Commitment to Marry in a Romantic Relationship n=80

Commitment is very

important (65)

Establish long-term relationship “If this quest culminated into a long term relationship on its own and not out of force

then that is the goal of finding such a companionship rather than jumping relationships

and going through same kind of rut and trauma”

Avoid ‘heart breaks’ “If one cannot live up to one’s commitments, the betrayed one may mentally suffer,

emotionally it is a big loss and may drive to extreme steps”

Inherent component of love “Commitment is the only thing on which the whole love life is based ... For me

everything is commitment, love without commitment stands nowhere”

“If no commitment is there then you are just using someone”

Commitment is not

important (15)

Life is uncertain “Life in its weird way throws up situations where parting of ways may be inevitable. To

break all relationships for the sake of one at such a situation would be a stupid idea.

Commitment starts only after marriage”

Present fulfillment is important “As long as their needs are being fulfilled by the other and both are happy, let the

relationship be”

Love is beyond commitments “ … true love is beyond any bindings. It is an enduring experience”

According to Table 6, 76% respondents have attributed great significance to commitment in a

romantic relationship. Most of the time, commitment is regarded as important because the

respondents believe that the romantic partners know each other in and out, and therefore, they

105

could make great spouses. As a boy believes, “They begin to know each other so well that

their likes and dislikes etcetera, even without feeling the need to tell each other, so they

should get married or else it is like as if one soul is divided into two”. There also emerged a

belief that breaking up with someone whom one has cherished can cause serious mental and

emotional strain on individuals. “If a relation breaks then both partners tend to be in a

different situation and at times take steps which one should never take” (middle adult man).

Very rarely societal reasons were cited for recommending commitment. Most of them

believed commitment should come on its own and it is up to the two partners to decide. For

example a girl says, “For me commitment is quite important because I think when you enter

into such a relationship after certain maturity commitment comes on its own. But I don’t

disrespect people who are not committed because everybody have their own requirements

from this relationship”. For some, marriage seemed the only way to be with the romantic

partner as other alternative arrangements are uncommon in India, “Live-in relationships are

not so common in India so marriage is the only option if two people want to stay together”,

articulated a boy.

Interestingly, only girls and women reported that commitment is a defining feature of love

and only boys and men said that love is beyond commitment. Those for whom commitment is

irrelevant, talked about being in the present, knowing each other well and that love is the be

all and end all and does not require a legal guarantee. For example, a middle adult man

reported, “If you are mature enough then the existence of commitment is not needed. The

feeling is so supreme that it is on the top and you don’t need anything on the top of top”. At

the same time, they also said that one cannot keep jumping from one relationship to another,

“How many relationships can you have, it should be a long term relationship, maximum two,

otherwise, it becomes a habit, it’s no good” (middle adult man). No marked gender or

generational differences were observed in the responses.

106

Thus, commitment to marry is important for majority of the respondents and others believe

that sincerity of intent is more important and commitment may come later. After viewing the

importance of commitment in love relations, we now turn to Table 7 that captures the

importance of love in a committed relationship like marriage. It views the importance of love

for entering as well as for sustaining a marriage.

107

Table 7

Love-Marriage Connection

N=110

“If a man / woman had all other qualities I desired, I would marry this

person even though I was not in love with him/her” Agree (45) “I am a firm believer that if your partner is good and has good qualities you are bound

to respect him and eventually love will happen”

“On the condition that he loves me. It’s important to marry a person who loves you”

Disagree (44) “In a broader perspective or long term perspective, love is more important not qualities”

Undecided (21) “Because one has to be practical at times as well as one has to be emotional. I am

confused about this aspect” “If love has completely disappeared from a marriage, I think it is probably best for the

couple to make a clean break and start new lives.”

Agree (43) “If there is marriage but not love, is there anything left? So might as well disappear

from each other’s life”

“When both the spouses can independently pull their lives alone and have the support of

families, relatives and society”

Disagree (42) One should make proper efforts and solve the problems and difference. Give proper

time to their partner to understand each other. At last if it is not working then they

should get apart”

“If children are there then it’s better to stay together as parting will have negative effect

on them”

“I am not for breaking up because you spend so much part of your life with someone

then again to restart is not easy for a single life … ”

“Because this is not in our culture”

“For me family is important. I may be having in laws whom I may adore I may be

having kids. I’ll try to revive the passion, love”

Undecided (25 ) “Break-up, provided no one depends on us or is affected by our breakup”

108

Table 7 shows the value and significance of love for entering into a marriage and for

maintaining a marriage. The respondents were asked whether they would marry a person who

had all the qualities they desire even though they did not love that person. While the answers

appear to be favoring love only about 40% of the times, the actual picture is slightly different.

Even when people choose the option of entering into a marriage without falling in love first,

they do so because they firmly believe that love is a response to the qualities embodied in an

individual and so the desired qualities will lead to love or at least the person is a good

candidate for a perfect partner. One girl felt that she would marry a boy if he loves her even

though she may not love him, because feeling loved is beautiful and love is so attractive that

it will make her fall in love with him later. Few respondents also reported that love happens

as one stays with a partner for some time. In words of a middle adult woman, “Love is

guarded by time. As time passes one falls in love”. This is also echoed by some of the

emerging adults. For example, a boy reports “Falling in love is just a matter of time if all the

qualities are present” and a girl says “According to me, love grows with time, so I will

understand and one day will be in love like any other love relationships”.

Fourteen percent responses focused on the potential a person with desired qualities had to

prove to be a good partner. Some said the quality they desire most is the understanding

between the two and that is more important than love. Also, some felt it is an indication from

destiny. A boy explains, “Because I would believe that she is made for me and because

God’s wish, her meeting with me happened”. In addition, some respondents said that good

opportunities knock only once and so they will treat this as a match as in arranged marriages,

whereas a few said that it is a compromise, “There are so many things on earth except love

and compromise is one of those things. If I don’t get love in obvious way so I will try to get it

by compromise” (boy). Interestingly mostly boys focused on the match being acceptable to

109

their family, while girls talked about expecting their potential partner to respect her family

members.

Nevertheless, majority felt that love is necessary before one decides to get married as

otherwise in a long run the relationship will not last. As echoed by a romantically involved

girl that “Hazaar qualities ho [even if there are 1000 qualities] but if you don’t love the

person or if you are not comfortable with that person you cannot spend your life. If there is

no understanding and if that feeling is not there, then there is nothing”.

In this sense, there is not much difference whether a person agreed or disagreed to marry

someone possessing all desired qualities but was not in love with the person, because the

responses vary based on the memes of love and desired qualities. If the desired qualities are

the ones which are based on the value system of the individual and on mutual compatibility,

and not just on physical appearance, individuals felt that love will happen sooner or later so

one can marry the person. On the other hand, love was looked upon as the most desired value,

because if one was in love with a person then everything becomes desirable and it is possible

to live together. A romantically involved girl explains, “Love makes you forget the qualities

that you actually desire, loving the person is more important because there are some

qualities which are not nice in a broader perspective or long term perspective so love is more

important not qualities”. And, perhaps, owing to this, 23 % emerging adults were undecided

and shared that spending more time to understand each other could be a better option.

Most of the emerging adults also believe that love is very important to maintain a marriage.

Despite that, deciding to dissolve a marriage because love seems to have disappeared is just

not easy. Many of them felt that love cannot just disappear and a relationship needs to be

worked out and sustained as far as possible. As expressed by a girl “ … because love never

disappears, it is we who start ignoring the love. And one can always have a new beginning”

110

or as expressed by a woman, “We can generate love, better not to break a marriage. Because

marriage is something you have to think before getting into, if you break-up a marriage it

changes everything, there is no life after that. Because then you will not get a better partner”.

Unless it gets to the point when it becomes impossible to live together, most of them were not

impulsively in support of a divorce. They felt it would create more issues and problems than

making life better. Moreover, responsibility towards children and other societal and financial

aspects need to be considered before deciding to dissolve a marriage. This was echoed across

gender and across generation.

The following Figure 10 displays emerging adults’ choice between having a love marriage or

an arranged marriage.

Figure 10. Emerging adults’ preference for type of marriage.

As depicted in Figure 10 more emerging adults have opted for a love marriage. Girls more

often preferred the term marriage by self-selection rather than love marriage. However, it

does not imply that those who have liked the term ‘love marriage’ would not take parents’

111

opinion into consideration and vice-versa for the respondents who have chosen the term self-

section. More boys than girls appear to be undecided on the marriage issue; and a few

emerging adults have reported that they would not prefer to marry at all.

A different trend is noted in the type of marriage that the middle adults had as displayed in

the subsequent chart (Figure 11).

Figure 11. Middle adults’ marriage: Arranged or love?

Not surprisingly, most middle adults reported that they had an arranged marriage. But, many

middle adult women compared to men opted for a love marriage. It is interesting to note an

opinion on arranged marriages as expressed by a middle adult man who had an arranged

marriage. He says, “Romantic relationships do happen whether it is socially arranged or

individually arranged, it does happen, it has nothing to do with love marriages or arranged

marriages; we feel that when people meet at parties and they fall in love it is love, but that’s

nonsense … even that is arranged by that kind of social engineers, same with dating … you

112

meet people then you shortlist them as friends and explore further if it works ok or they

remain in the friendship group … ”.

Another set of data displayed in Figure 12 shows that more middle adult men had

experienced at least one romantic relationship before having an arranged marriage. This

reiterates that love and marriage need not go together in the Indian context. One explanation

for this could be that while gender stereotypes are stronger for girls, the gender roles for boys

are more stringent as their choice of partner will change the structure of his family while the

girl goes away to another household. The gender analysis framework in Section 5 reveals the

discrimination in parental attitudes toward romantic relationships of their emerging adults.

Figure 12. Percentage of middle adults who had a romantic relationship before marriage.

Figure 13, in the next section shows contextual factors responsible for the rise in visibility of

romantic relationships in the contemporary context.

113

Section 4

Societal Factors Shaping Experiences and Outcomes of Romantic Relationships

In this section, societal factors such as perceptions, attitudes, beliefs, opinions, concerns,

suggestions and experiences pertaining to the phenomenon of romantic relationships are

presented. Emerging adults and middle adults respond as members of a society as well as

individuals playing a social role, namely son, daughter, mother or father.

The participants were asked about the magnitude of the phenomenon in the contemporary

context. Eighty seven percent responses support the rise in the number and visibility of

romantic relationships in the contemporary society. The factors that account for such rise are

shown in Figure 13.

114

Figure 13. Reasons for rise of romantic relationships in the contemporary context.

The small percentage (6%) of respondents who feel that romantic relationships are not a

current phenomenon, also report an increase in the social visibility of the ‘hard-wired’ or

innate phenomenon. A middle adult man says, “The manifestations may be different but they

are as primordial as human beings”. Their major contention is that the quantitative increase

in heterosexual pairing does not fall under the category of romantic relationship, because,

nowadays people lack the sincerity, integral to a romantic bond. As a girl says, “Nowadays it

is more attraction and infatuation among the youth rather than romantic love. Today love

means ‘to sleep’ with someone”. Similarly, a middle adult man echoes “Aajkal romantic

romantic kehtein hain … but romance kahan hai? (Nowadays, people just talk about

romance, but where is the romance’?) It’s all about sex – cheap sex. No understanding, no

115

intelligence, all materialistic”. Some have reported that increased responsibility towards

achieving career goals also prevents the young individuals from devoting time for initiating a

romantic bond. In the voice of a middle adult woman, “Today’s generation is advanced and

level-headed. They understand and try to be self-dependent instead of whiling away their

time”.

As depicted in Figure 13, many reasons have been reported for the rise in romantic

relationships in the contemporary context. Sixty percent girls and 40% middle adults believe

that changes in the value systems and life style are significant factors. Many feel that

egalitarian values and individual freedom to make choices are valued currently. As explained

by a girl, “This is because of the change in the way of thinking of the people. They are now

quite straight forward and they believe that there must be a very special friend in their lives”.

On the other hand, others feel that the materialistic and sensual curiosity is valued these days

over commitment and sincerity and relationships are used as means for “pomp and show”. As

voiced by a college going girl, “People, especially college students, fall in love just to say

being ’in’, just to flaunt of having a boyfriend or a girlfriend” or as middle adult man feels,

“I think what they are doing is ‘dekhadekhi’ ”, meaning wanting to be like the Jones as is

said in the American context.

More emerging adults than middle adults felt that the modern ‘stressors’ and the media make

it imperative to seek comfort in a romantic relationship. Modern day stressors include the

change in the family structure from joint to nuclear and also a change in parent-child

relationship where parents spend less time with their children and hence having someone

special becomes very important. This has been summarized by a boy as, “Modernization,

more influence of Western culture, exploring and adventurous kind of nature, more exposure

to vulgarity through media, magazines, sex education, lack of communication with family

116

members (generation gap), increased level of stress and also sometimes peer pressure

accounts for this change”. A girl expressed the need felt in this way, “Today we all have

such fast paced, full of tension life that such relations act like calm breeze, everyone has the

need to get accepted by someone specially loved by someone in this life full of complex

emotional problems”.

More boys compared to middle adults and girls reported that increased opportunities to

interact with opposite-sex partners and increased freedom to girls make it more conducive to

develop romantic relationships. For example, “Nowadays there is more opportunity for

meeting the opposite-sex at a single place and girls are getting more freedom for education

and jobs” or as another boy elaborated, “Better economic growth, influence of mass-media,

cinema etcetera. Home imbibed values, of boldness and adventure ‘ness’ … such atmosphere

and also liberation in terms of intellectual freedom, has led our youth to experiment and

explore the world of relationships. Social-networking sites also help people to connect with

each other though physically they may be much far from one another”. Two participants

mentioned the rise in romantic relationships outside marriage. For example, “Middle-aged

people engage in romantic relationships as they are burdened under social responsibilities

and their professional life. Thus having romantic relationships infuses a breath of life in

them. Some of them are married but they’re looking for change so they simply indulge in

extra-marital affairs”. Also, emerging adults and middle adult women reported that in

today’s times emerging adults prefer to choose their own partners. For instance, a middle

adult woman says that romantic relationships are increasing because emerging adults want

“... to have a self-blessed life and companion”.

Largely, the respondents believe that the visibility of ‘romantic’ relationships in the Indian

society has increased remarkably. However, many of them, especially the middle adults, feel

117

that the current relationships lack the ‘romantic’ element - the depth and beauty which was

present in earlier times. And yet, majority of the participants perceive that due to

globalization and related factors this innate phenomenon can be more freely expressed in the

present times.

Emphasizing the impact of westernization on Indian youth, Figure 14 documents the views of

emerging adults and middle adults regarding contextual differences in the manifestation of

this phenomenon which has ethological roots.

118

East West

Cultural values (14) Expectations from the women in a society (3) Cultural values (14) Expectations from the women in a society (3)

“In the west life is fast, so

are the relationships.

Public display of affection

is accepted. Here in India

relationships are perhaps,

more romantic and are

deeper. Display is very

much censored. But here

relationships tend to last

longer”

“In the west life is fast, so

are the relationships.

Public display of affection

is accepted. Here in India

relationships are perhaps,

more romantic and are

deeper. Display is very

much censored. But here

relationships tend to last

longer”

“In this context in India a romantic

relation is not personal it’s the talk of

the town. So in India most of these

romantic relationships are secret and

have short life unlike the west”

“In this context in India a romantic

relation is not personal it’s the talk of

the town. So in India most of these

romantic relationships are secret and

have short life unlike the west”

“In India a romantic love

relationship is deeply woven with

the character of the female

counterpart so if the girl doesn’t

see the future in the relationship

then most of the time she avoids

the expression of love”

“In India a romantic love

relationship is deeply woven with

the character of the female

counterpart so if the girl doesn’t

see the future in the relationship

then most of the time she avoids

the expression of love”

“Well, I think Indians

are trying to accelerate

steps to walk with west

but a romantic

relationship can be had

without the western

way of romantic

relationship. A sense of

curiosity is a romance

in itself”

“Well, I think Indians

are trying to accelerate

steps to walk with west

but a romantic

relationship can be had

without the western

way of romantic

relationship. A sense of

curiosity is a romance

in itself”

“In the west, such relationships are

based on physical attraction or

infatuation which is rarely followed

by emotional attachment, guess that

is the reason people in the west fall

into numerous relationships”

“In the west, such relationships are

based on physical attraction or

infatuation which is rarely followed

by emotional attachment, guess that

is the reason people in the west fall

into numerous relationships”

“… now a days live in

relationships are legalized in India

but even then there is difference.

In western countries even if they

are 50 plus and have been in a

long term relationship, they still

do not have marriage on their

mind. Here we cannot even think

of such things”

“… now a days live in

relationships are legalized in India

but even then there is difference.

In western countries even if they

are 50 plus and have been in a

long term relationship, they still

do not have marriage on their

mind. Here we cannot even think

of such things” Figure 14. Romantic relationships in the Indian vis-a-vis Western context.. Figure 14. Romantic relationships in the Indian vis-a-vis Western context..

119

Eighty eight percent of respondents reported that the experiences of romantic

relationships would vary across contexts. Majority who reported the significance of

context, have stressed that in India the quality of relationships are much better in

terms of security, depth and commitment. Also, one takes family into account while

choosing a partner, especially in a committed relationship. Yet, many of them have

appreciated the individual freedom available in the West and criticized Indian society

for its hypocrisy. As expressed by a middle adult man, “What is happening in the

West, they call it dating and it is a lovely word but we have a socially bad word for

the same thing ‘lafda’ (the term implies ‘dubious affair’) … so they hide it here and

we are heading towards a hypocritical society”. At the same time the respondents feel

that Western societies too have several problems because of the reckless freedom

“Even in West the incidents reported are not good [teenage pregnancy] … any

extreme is not good. Not too strict or too liberal”. Emancipation of women plays an

important role in the development of romantic relationships acknowledges an

emerging adult and yet there is one response from a boy that criticizes Western

women on the account that they lack the ‘lajja’ (shyness) that Indian women

gracefully possess. While a middle adult woman retorts, “Yes, ours is a male

dominating culture and probably women are not allowed to do things and are unsafe

all alone. However, the Western culture involves the equal respect and equal freedom

and equal practice when limits break”.

The context sensitive nature of the relationships is evident in the responses. Even

though there is a small percentage (6%) who believed that context will not affect the

experience of the phenomenon, this argument pertains to the universal nature of

romantic relationships, not considering the specifics of different cultures. They

believe that the details may vary but human societies are the same. On one hand, there

120

is an argument for the homogeneity due to the existence of global culture and on the

other hand others argue about the universality of human emotions and experiences.

Such as “Human beings have same emotions, perceptions, expressions, mind

everything is same. Context, culture nothing matters. It has nothing to do with East

and West. Everything is very similar wherever you go if you see it more in detail and

not just superficially”. Therefore, romantic relationships are universal but their

manifestations and expressions vary across cultures.

After having described the scenario in general, emerging adults and middle adults

were asked to share their personal opinions regarding individuals engaged in a

romantic bond. Sixty eight out of eighty respondents, both emerging adults and

middle adults shared their personal opinions. The other 12 respondents said that they

had no opinion, for example, a middle adult man reported, “Nobody should opine as

every person has his/her own thoughts, feelings and every adult is a matures person

and can distinguish between good and bad”.

Opinions were related to positive socio-emotional states, behavior in public, cognitive

state of preoccupation and also suggestion for nurturing such a special relationship.

For example, a middle adult woman opined, “I think they are in a complicated, but a

very good relationship. So, they must take extra care to keep their relationship

strong”.

Forty two percent emerging adults and 20% middle adults reported that being in a

love relationship is a very desirable and blissful experience. “Such people are merry-

go-lucky. They are enthusiastic, fun loving and live longer and healthy”, shares a

middle adult woman. Nineteen percent of the participants, however, were hesitant to

just focus on the positivity. They also opined that romantic relationships are good, but

121

potentially so. They reported that public display of emotions, sexual involvement,

absence of commitment and turbulent break-ups are problematic. For example, “If a

certain level of decency is maintained, then people who are in such a relationship are

the happiest and the luckiest in the world. Public display of emotions and negligence

of all other duties, however, are frustrating” (boy). Surprisingly, such responses were

more common among the emerging adult boys. Also, certain behaviors of the lovers

were deemed as silly, for instance “From what I have seen and experienced, certain

couples tend to get really silly around each other and call each other stupid names

like baby, jaanu, which personally I do not like”. Too much preoccupation and the

sense of being lost in one’s own world were also reported mostly by boys, for

example, “One may observe that such people, who are involved, become (for some

time) as if they do not require the world any more. They are happy themselves”.

Very few emerging adults and even fewer middle adults indicate unfavorable opinions

towards individuals engaged in romantic relationships. Of these unfavorable opinions,

most of them are concerns (see Table 11) for the well-being of the emerging adults,

because all were aware of the powerful impact of these relationships on young minds.

Although, majority of the respondents felt that Indian society is not favorable for

having a romantic relationship, interestingly the participants of the study expressed

favorable views towards the phenomenon and the individuals engaged in the same.

Thus, while describing the ‘scenario’ they said that societal attitudes were negative,

but their own responses and experiences indicated neutral to positive attitudes.

One boy said that, “I don’t know why, but I feel like teasing them [his romantically

involved friends], maybe my attitude would change when I mature”. Interestingly,

122

although he teased his friends engaged in a romantic bond, he genuinely feels that it is

his attitude which needs the change and it is he who needs to grow up.

Figure 15 presents the experiences of romantically involved emerging adults

pertaining to societal attitudes towards them.

Figure 15.Societal attitudes towards emerging adults’ engaged in a romantic

relationship.

As shown in Figure 15, there are only few responses suggesting extreme attitudes of

the society. Although both boys and girls have equally reported society to be very

conservative, more boys felt that the society is quite “cool” and accepting and that not

everybody is conservative. A boy expressed “I think the society is pretty cool about

these relationships. I have not come across any problem”.

123

Most of the emerging adults experienced a good dose of both positive and negative

attitude from the society as a girl declares, “Somebody understands, somebody

doesn’t. I live my life the way I want. I don’t get bothered by them”. In this response,

it is seen that even when there are members in the society who do not support

romantic relationships, she, as an individual, can afford to ignore them. In fact, most

of the emerging adults said they do not get bothered by what the people in the society

think. As expressed by a romantically involved girl, “Not at all … it does not bother. I

care for the opinion of those only who matter to me. The world would say so many

things, but only my parents, his parents and he matter to me”.

However, some respondents expressed their distaste for the society and viewed it as

hypocritical. A girl expressed in antipathy, “In some parts it is accepted and

considered as normal, in some it isn’t. Overall I find people a bit of hypocrites. They

wish to have it themselves but won’t let the world have it. So in the end you will see

that most of the people are against the idea of having romantic relationships before

marriage, whereas, in their own hearts they will badly want to have it”.

Notwithstanding their disapproval about certain societal attitudes, all respondents

reported that friends and colleagues were supportive. For example, a romantically

involved girl tells, “Everyone in our college knows about our relationship, even our

peon. They say you are a perfect couple, made for each other”. For a few it also

included siblings, cousins, parents and even other relatives. Therefore, although the

general perception about the society was not so favorable, when it came to specific

relationships all respondents currently involved had support of friends, siblings and

also members of the extended family such as a sister-in-law. However, the case may

be different with regard to parents (see Figure 16 and Table 8).

124

Figure 16. Emerging adults’ perceptions of parental attitude towards opposite-sex

friendships and romantic relationships.

125

Table 8

Illustrative Verbatim Comments Depicting Emerging Adults’ Perceptions about

Parental Attitude towards Opposite-Sex Friendships and Romantic Relationships

n=80

Categories with Illustrative

Verbatim Comments

Positive or supportive (25) “Mom dad are cool, supportive”

“He is Punjabi- Sikh and I am a Hindu … and I am also six months older than him … no

problems … ”

“Parents will be told later after we will finish our studies and when we tell them they would

agree”

“They don’t have any problem with it. But they make sure that I don’t cross the boundaries of a

decent relationship”

Negotiable (6) “Regarding marriage they prefer arranged marriage. If I have a reason it’s not hard for me to

convince them with my point of view”

Restraining (11) “They totally, strongly, violently oppose romantic relationships”

“They told me that they will not see the caste, for them caste was not a problem but yes she

should be a Hindu”

“ … maybe they think that I am not mature enough to choose my own life partner”

“The reason is that our culture and discipline do not permit us to do such action”

Parental attitude not explicitly known (17) I don’t know. My mother keeps teasing me, it [opposite-sex friendships] is fine with them but

about romantic relationship I do not have a clear idea.

Parents’ attitude towards emerging adults’ opposite-sex friendships and romantic

relationships was perceived to be more positive than negative as depicted in Figure

16, especially for the boys. However, the positive attitude was subject to certain

conditions as reported by a boy, “According to them, only if a romantic relationship is

helpful for my future otherwise not”. The romantic relationships were likely to receive

126

approval, if they focused on other aspects of life and behaved in a responsible manner.

For example a boy said “They think studies should be the priority after that you may

choose your partner”. This is in line with the responses of middle adults when asked

about their concerns for emerging adults engaging in romantic relationships. Mostly

girls currently involved in a romantic bond expressed factors pertaining to religion,

caste, socio economic status and even horoscope.

As for the currently involved emerging adults, many of them were confident that their

parents would approve of their choices if they disclosed it to them at a right time and

in a right manner. As a romantically involved girl said “I don’t think it’s the right

time, because we have 3 years more to go for studies. I don’t think my parents will

create a problem”. Yet, a few of them felt that their parents would never approve. A

romantically involved boy shared, “If my parents came to know, then maybe I will

have to leave the city or even education … they are a bit rigid. My brother had a

relationship so they made him change his college, and now he is married [ arranged].

He is 10 years older than me. So I feel such a thing can happen with me also”.

It is not surprising that emerging adults who perceived positive parental attitudes were

feeling good about their relationship with their parents. Interestingly, even when

adolescents perceived ‘not so positive’ or even ‘negative attitudes’, many of them felt

empathy and said that, as parents, their concerns were right in their way. Yet, they

wished that parents would not underestimate their capacity to take decisions.

Sixty four percent of emerging adults reported that even though they are committed to

their romantic partners, they may not marry their partner unless they get parental

approval. A girl expressed, “I would not go for this relationship because for twenty

years I have been with my family not with him. Maybe it is attachment, respect or

127

whatever; I will not go against my family. He will also not”. However, in case of

extremely restrictive parents the emerging adults were in total disagreement with the

parental views. As expressed by a girl, “Sometimes I feel very devastated with their

this kind of attitude. At times, I argue with them a lot on such topics but on thinking

calmly and from their point of view, in this modern world with all kinds of people

surrounding me, their restriction at times may prove worthy but not always. They

sometimes over-react on silly issues and that irritates me a lot”. It is worth noting that

even when emerging adults totally disagree with the view of their parents, they reveal

a lot of empathy for their parents’ thinking. A finding unique to Indian context.

After having looked at the emerging adults’ perceptions about their parents’ attitudes

towards their romantic relationships, the following Figure 17 depicts middle adults’

(parental figures’) attitudes towards their childrens’ (emerging adults’) romantic

relationships.

128

Figure 17. Middle adults’ (Parents’) response to their emerging adults’ relationship.

Most of the parents felt they would first try to find out about the person with whom

their son or daughter is involved. Mothers focused on encouraging their son or

daughter to share with them, “I will be friendly to my daughter and encourage her to

share her feelings”. After that the mothers would try to give their advice or

suggestions to the best of their ability. Almost 50 % of the fathers reported that if they

did not find the partner appropriate for their children they would first try to help the

emerging adults to understand and have a long term perspective. Some of them added

that they would even threaten or punish their son or daughter, if need arises, and that

the final decision is to be taken by fathers themselves. A father said, “If it’s not good I

will tell her to stop it immediately. If she does not listen I shall be more harsh,

threaten her, better you stop or we shall boycott you, logic is to make her discontinue

a unsuitable relationship”. This was true for both daughters and sons. Another father

n=30 (MAF, MAM)

n=30 (MAF, MAM)

129

added, “If found not ok, we will try to make him or her understand and the final

decision will be ours”. Also fathers showed more concern about their status in the

community. To illustrate, a father said, “[I would] take an overall view of scene and

survey horoscope, caste, creed, rituals, tradition, race, color, beliefs, then do the

analysis and planning and then take action because marriage is a union of two

communities and societies”.

Seventy five percent parents were of the opinion that even if they did not agree with

their children’s choice of romantic partners, the final decision would be left on the

emerging adult. On the other hand, there were a few fathers who felt that it was an

occasion to celebrate. “I will celebrate it. So that she understands that it is something

to be celebrated. But I do not think that she will need to tell me. It would be seen

whatever is happening to her” or “I would be happy that my daughter has started

seeing someone”. But, even then he added, “I would be a worried father also,

because of so many things I said earlier and because I and my family in the whole

arena of social system, worried is not the right word … I would be alert, because

there is a lot of flare in such a relationship, how to help if needed, and also to be

away to avoid getting into unnecessary nitty-gritty, it would be completely mixed

feeling but as time passes it would teach me”. One father of an emerging adult girl

openly mentioned he would advise her to use contraceptives, “Je badha vaparta hoi

te vaapre (use what everyone else uses)”, accepting the fact that physical

relationships can ensue in a close romantic bond. Mothers of boys were concerned for

the girl involved with their son. They said they would like to check how sincere their

son was and would advise him to be caring towards the girl. Only one parent reported

that he would reject such relationships absolutely, no matter what. He said, “I would

130

not agree to such relationship and I would be very unhappy and try to close such

circumstances”.

Twenty six percent have reported difference in the parental attitude towards their

children based on gender. Gender differences in parental attitudes as mentioned by the

middle adults as parents and in the perceptions of the emerging adults are analyzed

using a gender analysis framework (Parker, 1993). The framework examines the

information about the attitude of society towards girls and boys pertaining to their

romantic relationships and categorizes the reasons for these differences as presented

in Table 9.

131

Table 9

Gender Analysis Framework for Differences in Attitudes of Parents and Society towards Emerging Adults’ Romantic Relationships n=80

GENDER Reasons for

Differences in

Attitudes towards

Girls and Boys

Men Women

Middle Adults Men

(5)

Emerging Adults Boys Engaged in

Romantic Relationship (3)

Middle Adults

Women (10)

Emerging Adults Girls Engaged

in Romantic Relationship (3)

ST

ER

EO

TY

PE

S

Girls are more vulnerable to negative impacts physically and mentally (6)

“Actually they may be more conservative

with the girl, know more about the person

with who she is. They are more worried

as 90% adjustments have to be done by

the girl” (3)

3

Societal norms more stringent for girls (3)

“Completely different, because

mother feels that if boys get into a

relationship and gets out of it

nobody is concerned for a girl all

will be speaking about her” (3)

Boys tend to be insincere in relationships (2)

“I would like to

check if he is

really involved …

he must be

committed” (2)

RO

LE

S

Boys bring an additional member to the family (5)

“All the more concerned

about boys relationship

because it will change the

structure of the family”

(4)

1

Financial independence of the son (3)

“Will also see his own

financial stability” (1) 2

132

All except the emerging adult girls have reported that girls are more vulnerable

physically, mentally and socially and, hence, parents are more worried and concerned

about their daughters. On the other hand, only girls have reported that the societal

norms are harsher for them. Girls also reported that because of society’s negative

judgmental attitudes towards girls, parents are more stringent with them.

Nevertheless, all the categories indicate the existence of gender disparity in the

societal norms. Interestingly, only the older generation has talked about differential

treatment of boys because they are required to be economically independent to

support a committed relationship and also they bring an additional member into the

family. Also, more mothers than fathers have reported differential treatment of sons

and daughters, because they feel daughters need to be protected and sons need to be

taught to take care of their partners.

Although majority of the respondents feel that having a romantic relationship is a very

positive experience, however, this attitude was not free of reservations. Clearly, the

emerging adults as well as middle adults have several concerns and apprehensions

regarding the same. These concerns stem from their ideas about the potential impact

of romantic relationships on individuals.

The next segment displays the potential developmental outcomes as reported by

emerging adults (not romantically involved at the time of the study) and romantically

involved emerging adults as well as middle adults (see Figure 18). Table 11

communicates these concerns and forewarnings.

133

Figure 18. Developmental outcomes of romantic relationships. (cont … )

Cont… Cont…

134

Figure 18. Developmental outcomes of romantic relationships. (prev … )

Prev…Prev…

135

Ninety eight percent of the participants believe that engaging in a romantic

relationship has significant developmental impact on individuals. Their responses

denote that engaging in a romantic relationship can have potentially positive or

negative outcome for the individual depending on factors such as choice of the

romantic partner and the nature and quality of the relationship. As one, middle adult

woman voices, “If you are involved with a person who brings out your good qualities

then it is best for you but being involved with a wrong person destroy not only you but

all your close ones”. However, a small percentage of responses indicate that there is

no negative impact at all and very few feel that romantic relationship does not have

any impact on development.

Positive impacts of romantic relationships overlap with the definitions of romantic

love. Most of the emerging adults believe that one understands oneself better through

the partner and also reflects on one’s own strengths and weaknesses. Also, because

one would like to deserve the love and acceptance that they receive from their

partners it automatically urges them to become better persons. Further, there is a lot of

positivity all around because of which everything else falls in place including other

relationships. In the words of a girl, “Steady relationships cause an individual to

bloom literally. There is a quantum jump in the self-confidence, the sun looks brighter

and all that jazz. The support of a loved one gives you courage to try new things and

not be afraid of making a fool of yourself, you are happier; you feel like you are full

of love, over flowing actually and extend their love to others. In short, you just feel

like a better person all around”. Moreover, some young girls have reported that a

romantic relationship can help an individual to find a ‘right’ partner and both boys

and girls mentioned that, in their partners, they find someone who can guide them

136

appropriately when in need. As a romantically involved boy puts it, “You learn the

ways of the world from each other”.

At the same time, the intensity of involvement can lead to preoccupation and other

relationships and responsibilities may be ignored. Wasting resources such as time and

money has also been reported as an important negative impact. A boy speaks, “These

relationships change a person’s life in many ways such as his mind will deviate from

studies, one will tell lies at home”. There is a perceived strain on relationships with

parents because one does not feel open about the romantic relationship with parents.

This is expressed as the only dissatisfaction by a romantically involved girl, “I am

just not satisfied with one thing is that I cannot share that I am having this kind of

relationship“. This undefined discomfort and guilt would be typical of contexts where

emerging adults feel that parents and other adults would not understand and approve

their relationships.

Romantic relationships also provide an occasion to experience a range of negative

emotions such as anxiety, aggression and sadness, and breakups may be very

disturbing. This has figured as a significant issue of concern among middle adults

(Table 11). Many emerging adults too have resonated similar concerns. For instance,

“Thus getting mentally upset, may boycott (means withdraw) socially, fail to clear

their exams with flying colors or may lead to extreme steps like suicide or killing the

partner”, perceives an emerging adult boy.

Interestingly, emerging adults who are not currently engaged in a romantic bond have

reported positive and negative outcomes while positive outcomes have been equally

reported by all emerging adults. Responses of middle adults are equally distributed

across categories and they have focused more on the potential of developmental

137

outcomes depending on factors such as individual characteristics, partner

characteristics, relationship quality, and intensity of involvement, commitment,

sincerity and context. Gender does not feature as an important factor for differential

developmental outcomes of romantic relationship, if both partners are sincerely

involved in the relationship (See Figure 19). However, few of them have reported that

women are generally more intensely involved and also because women’s brains are

differently wired, the impact of romantic relationships, whether positive or negative is

more pronounced for a woman. Adding to the biological reasons, many believe that

harsh societal norms for women also makes her more vulnerable to the negative

impact of romantic relationship (Table 10).

Figure 19. Percentage of emerging adults and middle adults who think that the impact

of romantic relationships would vary across gender.

138

Table 10

Illustrative Verbatim Comments Explaining Gender Differences or Absence of it in

Developmental Impacts

n=80

Categories Illustrative Verbatim Comments

Same

“If they are true, genuine and honest it will be same for both. I don’t think women are more emotional but if you are in a relationship it will be same for both of you. People think men are strong emotionally than women, but I think if its true love and respect then its same”

“It depends on the intelligence of an individual and there are so many other attributes like freedom and mental growth”

Different

“Girls would be more involved in relationship, so the positive impact will also be more for her”

“The impact of these relations on women would be adverse in the male dominating families or communities where weaker sex is left with no support and freedom”

“Men and women are programmed differently so certainly impact on them are different”

“Yes, it differs in men and women. Men are basically innocent and women apply intelligence”

139

Table 11 Society’s Concerns for Emerging Adults involved in Romantic Relationships

n=80

Categories EA

(50)

MA

(30)

Illustrative Verbatim Comments

No concerns (6) 3 3 “Not much concerns. Youngsters can

potentially manage on their own”

Concerns (74) 47 27 Unsafe physical relationship (26)

14 12 “Sometimes they commit unsafe sexual

relationship. I think this a big worry for

me to them” Insincere partner (21) 15 6 “Just for fun or peer pressure etcetera

they should not do something they really

don’t understand. They should be careful” Neglecting career and other responsibilities (17)

11 6 “My concern is that youngsters getting

involved in romantic relationships lose

focus in life. They should realize that

career is the most important factor in life

now a days” Turbulent breakups (6) 5 1 “It takes a lot of time to heal the wounds

and yet they might not heel completely and

a scar would remain for life, afraid of

getting into another relationship, ... So I

am only concerned about the heart break” Societal disapproval (4)

4 “Because some people are very attacking,

then it is difficult, till it is acceptable in the

society” Respecting individual rights (2)

2 “Wait for the other or allow to come into

the relationship and understand that other

can say no” Pornography and wrong information (1)

1 “One major concern is the availability of

blue films in the market, when immature

people watch wrong information, then it is

a danger, danger and very dangerous”

Similar concerns emerge across both generations and genders. Getting involved in

unsafe sexual practices and contracting Venereal Diseases (VDs), Sexually

Transmitted Diseases (STDs) and Acquired Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS)

and even unwanted pregnancy are the major areas of concern. In the words of a

middle adult woman, “Due to overflow of feelings, one must not go for sex

relationship unless one is confident of the relationship. It might prove dangerous for

140

both of their lives”. Another significant concern is that people use the terms love and

relationship very loosely and are not sincere about it as voiced by a girl, “Ninety

percent are actually doing a time-pass. I think they should actually give some time to

think over before actually getting into a relationship”.

Preoccupation with the relationship leading to neglecting career and other

responsibilities is also a major concern. For example, a boy comments “Sometimes, it

may deviate a person from his main goals due to his madness of romantic love which

may affect his studies or career in negative way if not handled properly”. Pairing with

insensitive partners can also be devastating. For example, a girl says “ … blind belief

on their partners especially by girls. Young boys don’t understand all this. They use

girls and then leave them in bad conditions. These girls are broken emotionally and

may finish their lives”. Turbulent breakups can even lead to suicide in extreme cases,

which is an issue of concern, as voiced by a middle adult woman, “Firstly, by some

reason if the relation is broken the result must not be suicide or any harm to each

other”. Interestingly, only one boy said that though these experiences are painful,

they help them to grow as individuals.

Societal disapproval as a cause of concern was reported only by middle adults,

especially by men. This was expressed more as a concern as divulged by a man, “I am

not giving in any value judgment of what is good and what is bad, because that will

not work for them. I am concerned with the traumatic part. Their awareness about the

society will guard them; their relationship would be less traumatic … Knowing social

norms can make relationship fulfilling and not create unnecessary trauma where they

are avoidable. Unfortunately, neither society nor individual can exercise the

141

wisdom”. Figure 20 addresses the issue of desired societal norms that could support

healthy romantic relationships.

Figure 20. Factors that support development of healthy romantic relationships in a

society.

142

Most of respondents believe that a society which helps in developing “right attitudes”

is very important. For this purpose, along with sex education in schools, parent

education has also been emphasized. While the middle adults are concerned about

proper access to information and healthy attitudes towards opposite-sex partners,

emerging adults feel that each individual should be given the freedom to have a

personal life. As expressed by a boy, “The society should start respecting human

emotions. It should give a person freedom to live his personal life in his or her own

way. At the same time, the lovers should also know the responsibilities that come with

the relationship”. The girls feel that discriminations based on gender, caste, SES

should be minimized, while most boys feel the society should afford more

opportunities for opposite-sex interactions. Also, gender equity has been emphasized

by some respondents. A middle adult man says, “ … virginity is directed towards

women … but both loose virginity, then remove all these tags”.

Many middle adults felt that having a healthy society requires focus on appropriate

child rearing practices. It is also important to understand certain traditional practices

and the ideas that our ancestors had behind those practices, critique them if they are

not appropriate to our present context and also be vigilant if we are corrupting the

spirit behind the practices by our own set of biases. Some middle adult men are

concerned about increased materialism and decreased sensitivity among young

individuals. They feel that emerging adults are not in touch with themselves and

everything just happens mechanically so a society which can “Let them flow with

nature and if they are doing anything against nature then nature will give them a

good lesson and they can understand. If this kind of attitude is prevailing it would

help cultivate more and more sensible people. Sensible towards their own life, their

own being”. At the same time, parents and community can support emerging adults by

143

helping them develop interpersonal skills. Psychological counseling to help

individuals to cope with a turbulent break-up can be useful.

Although most respondents expressed that parents can undoubtedly provide support

and facilitate understanding of romantic relationships, a small percentage (8%) feel

that parents themselves are unaware of what it means to be in a close, intimate bond.

This is true for the masculine gender across both the generations. One father

supported this view, “Nobody should interfere that would be the best thing. Because

nobody knows what they are doing, then how would they support or guide? They

would create a mess. I think it is best to let people be themselves. Your [parent’s]

advices may be good in some context and bad in others, the contradictions will create

more pain … just let them[emerging adults] be their natural self”. More boys

compared to girls felt that they are better off without parental support. However, the

rest of them felt that it would be a great help if parents create a space where children

can openly share about their romantic relationships with parents. Also, they require

parents to be more understanding rather than judgmental and restrictive. Many

respondents felt that, “Help is required from parents who should not impose so many

restrictions that their children do not mingle with the opposite-sex, as I have usually

seen this creates a ‘spring back ‘ effect and the guy/girl who is severely restricted gets

into a relationship at the first chance without thinking about it”. They feel that

parents need to guide them in a right way to help them to discriminate between what

is right or wrong for them.

So far, we have covered the cultural memes of romantic love and relationships,

intimacy, commitment and its linkages with marriage. We also looked at the plausible

developmental outcomes, the prevalent societal and parental attitudes and suggested

144

norms that facilitate development of healthy romantic relationships. The next section

displays the data about the processes of romantic relationships as experienced by

emerging adults presently involved in it.

Section 5

Romantic Relationship Processes and Developmental Outcomes of Romantically

Involved Emerging Adults

This section presents the data exclusively from the open-ended interview guideline for

the emerging adults currently engaged in a romantic relationship. It includes a series of

relationship processes beginning with the first meeting place, attraction and criteria for

selecting the romantic partner, initiation of the relationship, expectations from the

partner, relationship satisfactions and dissatisfactions, conflict issues and making up

thereafter, as well as some ideas about break-ups and relationship dissolution. The last

part of this section includes quantitative data from the rating scales related to

relationship quality and subjective happiness.

Figure 21 displays the place where the romantic partners first met.

145

Figure 21. Where they first met their romantic partner?

As the Figure 21 shows educational settings such as schools, colleges and tuition

classes were the places where highest number of respondents met their partners for the

first time. Social functions such as a birthday party or work places such as Association

Internationale des Étudiants en Sciences Économiques et Commerciales (AIESEC, a

student driven organization) where some emerging adults work as volunteers were also

reported by few emerging adults. Some philosophically said, “We met somewhere on

earth, obviously”. They said this because they could not recollect where they had first

met and also thought that it was not important.

146

Figure 22. Percentage showing who initiated the romantic relationship.

Even though Figure 22 depicts that mostly boys initiated the relationship, that is, they

first said those three magical words. In reality, many girls revealed that they actually

used a certain behaviors so that the boy could pick up the cues and approach them.

For example, one girl revealed “I left my purse containing my mobile, credit card

[pretending to have forgotten it] in the cafeteria [where he works] just to have a

chance to talk to him. I wanted to know what he thinks about me”. This also

exemplifies the power of mixed methods for research, because statistics alone may

mislead us into thinking that boys always initiate a romantic relationship. The girls

said that it was not because they were shy to initiate, but when they realized it was

mutual, they preferred to ‘help’ the boys to make the first move.

Nevertheless, most of the times it was the boys who initiated the relationship on their

own. They also had to persistently woo the girls and finally she would say ‘yes’ after

a couple of days and at times even months. As revealed by a girl, “In college, love

147

was at first sight for him. He proposed me at first year’s freshers. I replied him after

one year”, also echoed in a boy’s voice “I always kept waiting. I have a lot of

patience”.

Presented in the Figures 23 and 24 are some of the ‘special’ and ‘unique’ feelings and

thoughts that occupied the emerging adults’ mind, around the ‘special day’ or

‘moment’.

148

Figure 23. Illustrative verbatim comments of boys depicting thoughts, feelings and

actions at the time of initiating the relationship.

"I felt completely different. I

was a very reserved kind of

person. It is impossible to

believe that I fell in love. It is a

complete feeling"

"I felt completely different. I

was a very reserved kind of

person. It is impossible to

believe that I fell in love. It is a

complete feeling"

"I felt on top of the world,

as it was she who took the

initiative throughout my life.

I have had very less female friends,

so a girl initiating always feels

better"

"I felt on top of the world,

as it was she who took the

initiative throughout my life.

I have had very less female friends,

so a girl initiating always feels

better"

"I cannot describe my feelings

in words. I felt like hugging

her"

"I cannot describe my feelings

in words. I felt like hugging

her"

"Then slowly everyone in the class

started teasing us, then one day again

she asked me if I were to propose her

how would I propose…and then she

accepted…that day we talked from

midnight till morning 7:00 a.m."

"Then slowly everyone in the class

started teasing us, then one day again

she asked me if I were to propose her

how would I propose…and then she

accepted…that day we talked from

midnight till morning 7:00 a.m."

"Will it work,

is it a right

decision?"

"Will it work,

is it a right

decision?"

“When will I

get

to explore her”

“When will I

get

to explore her”

149

Figure 24. Illustrative verbatim comments of girls depicting thoughts, feelings and

actions at the time of initiating the relationship.

"Now I know that it was a

sudden rush of adrenaline

which made me turn pink. At

least that’s what he had said. I

have kind of lost that memory

as after that day that feeling is a

part of me”

"Now I know that it was a

sudden rush of adrenaline

which made me turn pink. At

least that’s what he had said. I

have kind of lost that memory

as after that day that feeling is a

part of me”

"Yes I was happy about my

new relationship but my ex did

not know about it, so I was

worried how he would feel

specially, because they shared

the same class and sat on

opposite benches"

"Yes I was happy about my

new relationship but my ex did

not know about it, so I was

worried how he would feel

specially, because they shared

the same class and sat on

opposite benches"

"We just hugged, we were not able to be away from each

other, we hugged and again we hugged and then we

shared later that you know this is what is happening to me,

that I cannot be away from you and he also told me the

same thing, that something is happening to me also, like I

had never had this kind of feeling for anybody before and

then we decided ok we are into a relationship and all that"

"We just hugged, we were not able to be away from each

other, we hugged and again we hugged and then we

shared later that you know this is what is happening to me,

that I cannot be away from you and he also told me the

same thing, that something is happening to me also, like I

had never had this kind of feeling for anybody before and

then we decided ok we are into a relationship and all that"

"At that time I was not that sure I was

going right or wrong because it was

the initial thing, I used to think of him

but when he used to talk on cell I

used to answer in a comedy way,

because I used to think I am in love

or not, then felt…that yes something

is happening, I felt very good, that I

couldn’t believe that I am in love

because when I was in school I used

to hated guys"

"At that time I was not that sure I was

going right or wrong because it was

the initial thing, I used to think of him

but when he used to talk on cell I

used to answer in a comedy way,

because I used to think I am in love

or not, then felt…that yes something

is happening, I felt very good, that I

couldn’t believe that I am in love

because when I was in school I used

to hated guys"

"The way he proposed me was

not a good style; I was really

upset and angry on him.

Because the way he proposed

me was that he just kissed me.

I asked why you did that. He

said because I love you so. I

said this is not a way to

propose a girl"

"The way he proposed me was

not a good style; I was really

upset and angry on him.

Because the way he proposed

me was that he just kissed me.

I asked why you did that. He

said because I love you so. I

said this is not a way to

propose a girl"

150

Figures 23 and 24 capture a range of emotions that emerging adults experience when

they initially enter into a relationship. Happiness, excitement, anxiety,

disappointment, contentment and jumble of emotions are apparent from these

verbatim comments. Also, similarities as well as differences in the expressions of

boys and girls are very evident. Both girls and boys referred to how they felt and what

they did or felt like doing, but as it is apparent, girls were more verbose and

expressive and focused more on feelings. Figure 25 shows what made the partners

‘click’ in the first place.

Figure 25. Summary of responses depicting criteria for choosing the romantic partner.

Partners' contributions to the

relationship (29)

Personal attributes

of the partner

(24)

Just like that! (3)

Partners' family (3)

“I know about his

background. We are from

the same caste so I don’t

think my parents would

deny if I tell them”

“I know about his

background. We are from

the same caste so I don’t

think my parents would

deny if I tell them”

“There was no conscious

decision making involved”

“There was no conscious

decision making involved”

“The only reason is that he loved

me more than your expectation,.

If somebody gives you love then

you cannot resist it”

“The only reason is that he loved

me more than your expectation,.

If somebody gives you love then

you cannot resist it”

"She is also

beautiful,

exuberant and

intelligent which

had pulled me

towards her”

"She is also

beautiful,

exuberant and

intelligent which

had pulled me

towards her”

151

In Figure 25, understanding between partners and mutual acceptance emerge as one of

the significant factors for choosing the partner. In the words of a romantically

involved girl, “We are very different from each other but he accepts me the way I am.

He knows my hobbies and even if he is not interested he is very understanding. Even

physical relationship is not of the only importance, if we meet and get a place to just

sit quietly then also it is very good.” This is in line with the construal of romantic love

where ‘mutual understanding’ (see Figure 5) emerges as a salient feature. Other

qualities revolve around overall personality of the partner such as, “He walks like a

king and even though he walks like a king there is a lot of tenderness into it, he is not

that harsh or egoistic in whatever he is doing, there is a lot of tenderness, so that is

the best thing I like about him”. Physical attractiveness was important for both boys

and girls; however, more boys have talked about physical beauty in particular. Only

one girl made reference to film stars, “I used to like Sunny Deol … I wanted my guy to

be tough like him, healthy … I never felt that he should fulfill this wish of mine or that

… I am not so demanding … and, yes, my boyfriend is tough … muscles and

everything … (laughs) … he looks like Abhishek Bachchan”.

More boys mentioned the girl’s family background and family values as important

criteria, because these would assure that everything else will fall in place. Some of

them also believed that it would be she who would be making all the adjustments.

Girls have emphasized characteristics such as simplicity, honesty, broadmindedness,

and respect for women and also reported being put off by boastfulness.

When asked about whether they are committed to marry their current romantic

partner, the answer was an emphatic, “Of course” 77% of times. Of the 23% who said

no, 15% were boys. The girls who said they were not committed did not believe in

152

marriage or said that love is beyond all commitments. Boys did not cite any reason;

they said they have not yet considered it. A few also said that commitment was

subject to parental approval, “Yes, but we know we cannot marry, because I don’t

think that my parents can accept my relationship and I do not want to hurt them …

and that’s okay with her [his girlfriend], as she too will not go against her parent’s

wishes”. Nevertheless, of the 77%, only 13% believed that they would get married to

their romantic partner even in the face of adversity. For example, a girl declared,

“Whatever happens I will try to convince my parents. But, even if they do not get

convinced, I would marry him. As the time goes they would agree. My parents will not

object on caste or religion. I am a Hindu and he is a Christian. My parents do not

think that religion matters if the person is good. And, even the fact that he is not

earning much, will not matter because what is important is whether he has the

potential to rise high. Ultimately, I have to convince my father because he is the one

who is going to raise all the objections”.

Yet, when they were asked whether it is alright to have more than one romantic

experience before marriage, majority of the emerging adults answered in affirmation,

as depicted in Figure 26, and more girls believed so. Figure 27 presents no marked

difference in the number of girls and boys who have reported that the current

relationship is not their first romantic experience. In fact, the number is slightly more

for boys. At the same time, emerging adults are not in favor of having simultaneous

relationships. They feel it is okay to enter into another relationship after finishing with

the first. They also added that it should not become a habit, but should happen only if

it helps one to learn from their mistakes, understand why their relationships are

breaking and also to make a better choice for a life partner. As put forth by a girl,

“Yes, because you come to know where you are going wrong, why all these relations

153

are not lasting. There might be some problem with you. So you get to introspect. So

you can have a more successful marriage”. Or, as a boy says “Yes, but you should

never betray anyone. If you don’t like someone then you can leave, but not betray”.

The rest of the emerging adults felt that, “It is better to think hundred times before

entering into a relationship rather than breaking up later”. However, they clarified

that they are not against people who have break-ups and enter into new relationships.

Figure 26. Attitude regarding experiencing more than one romantic relationship

before marriage.

154

Figure 27. Percentage of emerging adults for whom the current romantic relationship

is the first experience.

Table 12 presents the nature of expectations emerging adults have from their romantic

partner and whether these expectations will change after marriage, as an when the

romantic partner becomes the husband or the wife.

155

Table 12

Illustrative Verbatim Comments Depicting Expectations from Romantic Partner

Before and After Marriage

n=30

Categories (RRF,RRM)

No expectations (1)

Expectations from romantic

partner before marriage (30)

Understanding (5,3) “He respects my feelings, my thoughts. If there is an issue and I have a different opinion

and if he has a different opinion, then he will understand that I must have thoughts

something, why I am saying this, why I am doing this, why I am having this kind of

opinion … ek beech ka rasta nikal lenge”

Commitment (4,2) “He should be able to go to any limit to get me. It may sound filmy but that is how it

should be” Respect each other’s space (1,4) “To live and let live. It will not change after marriage”

Take responsibility (4,1) “That he would study well, get settled and then take care of his family”

More time together (1,0) “All what I need from him is that he gives me more time. Because we both are so busy

with our lives, we hardly get time for each other”

Be Expressive (4,2) Means, praising beauty, or talk romantically like I have a handsome guy with me …

talks about future, babies … if I say one he says two and such sort of … ”

Expectation from partner after

marriage (9)

Family cohesiveness (2,2) “Should get along with (mixing) my family or relatives”

Care and loyalty (2,0) “Should be caring, trustworthy, loyal husband” Physical relationship (1,0) “After marriage, obviously a physical relationship” All but one individual has reported some expectations from their partners. Most often

they have reiterated the appealing characteristics which form the basis of a romantic

156

relationship and that these caring qualities would continue even after marriage. For

example, “Being with the partner always, in the highs and lows of life, no matter what

they do, listening, talking, understanding the partner’s needs, trusting the person,

what outsiders say does not matter anymore, what you say is enough for convincing

them”. Interestingly, girls have added sexual intimacy and fulfilling parenting roles as

expectations after marriage. Girls also said that they expect their partners to respect

their freedom even after marriage, for example “Expectations would increase when I

stay with him and his parents. So things will happen his way. I expect freedom. I am

not sure about it (freedom) right now”. Ironically, boys have expressed that “What I

don’t like, she should not do. I don’t like her being very frank, open with boys. She

will change after marriage, like not acting pricey unconsciously”. Notwithstanding

the contradicting views, more boys have expressed a desire to respect each other’s

personal space. The wish that the spouse would get along with family members has

been reported equally by both. The paradox of accepting possessiveness as a

legitimate feature of a romantic bond and the desire for individual freedom is seen

here. Even though acceptance featured as a distinct feature of a romantic bond, it gets

subdued when respondents focus on their expectations. Table 13 documents the

satisfactions and dissatisfactions emerging from these relationships.

157

Table 13 Satisfactions and Dissatisfactions of Individuals Involved in a Romantic Relationship

n=80

Categories RRF RRM Illustrative Verbatim Comments

Satisfaction (35 )

Having someone to share with (13)

8 5 “First I got a friend, whom I can trust, share

my personal life my problems … I am happy

… I am happy”

Security (7) 5 2 “She makes me secure mental and physical,

she makes me secure that she is there for me”

Can be myself (6) 3 3 “I have come back to my original self … I

feel like myself, I like it”

Self-Improvement (5) 5 “I feel I am a better person now. I feel

connected to others”

No commitment (1) 1 There is no pressure of commitment

Dissatisfaction (25)

Restrictions (4) 1 3 “I can’t talk to other girls”

Habits and behaviors of partner (3)

2 1 “Her normal voice is so loud. Initially I

found it funny but then in restaurant all will

look at us”

Less time with each other (2) 2 “We have to wait too long to meet each

other”

Poor communication (1) 1 “She always tells me that I do not understand

her, I do not understand her … I am not

saying that that is wrong but at least she

should talk to me”

Indefinite future prospects (1) 1 “I am dissatisfied when I see his blurred

future. When he is not tensed about the

coming days in life”

No Dissatisfaction (13) 5 8 “I have many other important things to do in

my life than hunting for my dissatisfaction …

.so I really can’t tell you what are they and

how they affect me and my life that I share

with him and everyone else”

Most responses depict satisfactions as shown in Table 13. Girls have revealed more

clearly satisfactions and dissatisfactions, while more boys have been neutral.

Partnership, involvement, openness, security and acceptance are the major

158

satisfactions for all. Even though it appears that more girls discerningly articulated

both satisfactions and dissatisfactions, the researcher observed that it appears so

because boys found it both difficult and even amusing to verbalize such experiences.

Nevertheless, they were quite sure that there were no dissatisfactions. Dissatisfactions

for girls centered on smoking and drinking habits of partners, for example, a girl was

disappointed about, “ … that he smokes and he does not call me nor does he pick up

my calls”. The dissatisfaction about the amount of time the partners spent together

also led to another factor of controlling or restricting interactions with other friends,

especially opposite-sex friends, for example “Nothing serious. Issues like not I don’t

like her talking to boys, as she did not like me talking to my best friend because she is

a girl”. It is interesting to note that words such as “nothing serious” almost sanction

such mutual restrictions. For girls, the restrictions would also include the way they

could dress. Nevertheless, as Table 13 displays, such responses were not many. Boys

too reported changes in their dressing and hair styles, but on a positive note.

According to a boy, “I am more conscious of what I wear now; I have become more

stylish in terms of my hair and clothes”.

Generally, in every relationship all expectations are not met and contradictory desires

may remain unfulfilled, thus, conflicts are a natural part of relationships. The

subsequent map (Figure 28) displays some of the conflict issues, and their impact on

romantic relationships.

159

Figure 28. Map of conflicts. Figure 28. Map of conflicts.

160

Conflicts

Most of the respondents reported having conflicts, but the issues were not perceived

to be serious or negatively impacting their relationships. Possessiveness was the major

issue in dispute. A girl recounts, “Sometimes … not many times I get a little

possessive about him and that results in today Jada (little fights) but again he is a

very big social animal and my possessiveness comes in between” or as another girl

talks about her partner, “He is sometime very possessive and obsessive which create

problems. When I meet friends he feels why I am not spending more time with him

only, though we are in the same class and sit next to each other. He is too much

demanding in terms of time and expectations”. Most participants could sort it out by

talking, whereas screaming and fighting were reported by a few respondents, “He

shouts, he does not harm, but he talks to me in such high volume that scares me and

he would smoke more”. Most respondents felt that generally after small tiffs they

came to understand each other better. Surprisingly, both boys and girls reported that

more boys initiate conflict resolution even when they had not initiated the conflict. As

reported by a girl, “He always pacifies ‘mania near’ even if it is my fault. Generally it

is only I who takes out my anger on him”.

At times, even if it is momentary, couples experience a desire to dissolve the

relationship. But, the respondents reported that just after few hours of withdrawing

from each other, they ‘realize’ that they “cannot live without each other”. At times

they brush aside such thoughts as being silly. However, some of the respondents

currently involved in a relationship have experienced a break-up in their past.

About 43% of the respondents had experienced at least one break-up in the past. Of

them a few perceived the break-up to be very painful, especially the girls. A girl

161

expressed, “I did lot of stupidity … Bahut rona dhona kiya tha (crying and sobbing)

… devadasini bangayee thi (had become a devdasini) … did not talk to anyone,

withdrawn, always thinking that he did this to me and I was so true to him”. Boys’

descriptions of break-ups were less graphic, for example, “yes … she did not respond

to me so after this I would not respond to her”. Even when a boy talked about his

painful break-ups he said that break-ups were painful only when he was in ‘serious’

relationships. A boy said, “I had two serious relationships and both break- ups were

sour and we don’t even talk to each other … Both the times I was dumped … Yes I

felt anger, sadness, hatred. But with time it goes off”. Boys also reported more

insecurity post break-ups and mentioned having a series of ‘casual’ relationships as a

way of coping.

Although more girls have reported deferred and painful break-ups, they also reported

feeling happier post break-ups, for example, “Yes … so I felt so free … like a bird the

moment he said yes to break-up”. Also, only girls have reported harassment by

former romantic partners, for example, “In fact, later I used to get angry with him

because he used to do phaltu (meaningless) sms, emotionally black mailing types, …

he would sms ‘I would never marry anyone’ I use to think what non-sense and now he

also has a girlfriend. Bahut pakata tha (he used to bore a lot)”. For the girls the

reasons for leaving their previous romantic partners were either lying behavior of the

former partner, excessive possessiveness or two-timing. Also more girls reported a

break-up with mutual consent while boys felt either ‘dumped’ or ‘decided to break

off’. However, with reference to their current relationships majority of emerging

adults felt that they cannot even think of breaking up.

162

The last part of this section presents the quantitative data from the rating scales that

assessed domains related to relationship quality and subjective happiness as one of the

major developmental outcome. Figure 29 depicts the descriptive statistics graphically

and Table 14 presents the means and SDs along with the t-value.

Figure 29. Means and standard deviations of scores from rating scale of romantically

involved emerging adults.

The mean scores for the girls were higher indicating better quality of relationship

across domains. The variance for boys was larger, especially in the domain of trust

and commitment indicating that among the boys there were more variations in

responses in these particular domains.

163

Table 14 Mean, Standard Deviation, Variance and t-test Value of Scores from Rating Scale of

Romantically involved Emerging Adults

n=30

Domains Mean SD Variance t- test

value RRM RRF RRM RRF RRM RRF

Commitment 3.93 4.44 1.37 0.98 1.91 0.97 1.17

Passion 4.63 4.67 0.53 0.61 0.29 0.38 0.157*

Trust 4.09 4.84 1.31 0.44 1.83 0.27 1.99

Acceptance 3.96 4.07 1.03 0.93 1.16 0.96 0.248*

Understanding 4.30 4.57 1.04 0.79 1.12 0.62 0.79

Satisfaction 4.20 4.49 1.11 0.70 1.30 0.58 0.77

Degrees of freedom =28

* p <0.05

In general, the t-values reveal no significant gender difference in the experiences of

relationship quality in the domains of commitment, trust, understanding, satisfaction

and levels of subjective happiness. However, domains related to passion and

acceptance show significant differences at p < .05 levels. Pearson’s coefficient for

determining the association of each domain for relationship quality with happiness

and also all domains combined with happiness were computed (see Table 15).

164

Table 15

Correlation between Happiness and Various Domains of Relationship Quality

n=30

Pearson's Coefficient Boys Girls

Commitment-Happiness 0.49* 0.29

Passion-Happiness 0.86* 0.61*

Trust-Happiness 0.72* 0.28

Acceptance-Happiness 0.65* 0.67*

Understanding-Happiness 0.29 0.48*

Satisfaction-Happiness 0.81* 0.56*

All Domains-Happiness 0.75* 0.61*

* p > 0.005 Predominantly, the correlation values show significant positive correlation between

each domain and happiness, hence, complementing the findings from the qualitative

information. It is surprising to see that there is a significant correlation between for

trust and happiness for boys. Though passion is highly correlated with happiness for

boys, for girls it shows the second strongest correlation after acceptance. Even though

the t-test for the domain of commitment in the rating scale scores of romantically

involved emerging adults showed no significant gender difference, t (28) = 1.17, p <

.05, Pearson’s correlation showed significant positive correlation between

commitment and happiness. The two variables were strongly correlated for boys, r

(28) = .49, p < .005, as compared to the girls, r (28) = .29, p < .005. For most part,

except for the domains of acceptance and understanding, boys show a stronger

correlation between relationship quality and happiness. Contrary to what is intuitively

reported by many emerging adults, these results also indicate that the developmental

impact of romantic relationships is significant for the boys as well.

165

The next segment summarizes the ‘pairing process’ through illustrative love tales

(Love is, n.d.) by Kim Casali.

Love Tales

When a boy and girl meet

Scene 1 … here it begins … .

Or Or

Or Or

166

Scene 2

Scene 3

At the same time …

167

Therefore,

and

yet

and

yet

168

Scene 5

Nevertheless …

Scene 6

Feeling mixed up …

169

Scene 7 Trying to work through problems …

or

…

Or giving in to impulses and taking relationships for granted … .

and then

reflecting

and then

reflecting

170

Scene 8

Scene 8 going through simillar patterns again and again …

171

Or trying to emerge out of it playfully and simply …

172

And so it goes on … & … on … … …

Or Or

173

Summary of the Main Findings

Romantic memes and experiences.

Romantic love is conceptualized as a developmental phenomenon, hard-wired in the

human species , and influenced by contextual factors such as beliefs and attitudes

pertaining to romantic love and related phenomena like sexual intimacy, commitment,

marriage, expectations in parent-child relationships, and gender roles to name a few.

Ultimate bliss and beauty is associated with it and it is viewed as a phenomenon

which goes beyond the self as well as the society. Also, the phenomenon is not bound

to any particular age. Intimacy was defined in terms of complete transparency and

involvement at all levels including physical, emotional and mental. However, the

ideals did not match with their current relationship behaviors and experiences.

Possessiveness of partners has emerged as a major issue leading to conflicts.

Contradictory as it may appear, the emerging adults wished for personal space,

without being ready to offer the same to their partners. Memes that sounded like ‘my

partner is my priority’ would change to ‘I should be my partner’s priority’ over a

period of time.

Love-marriage connection.

Love is considered to be important both for entering into marriage as well as for

sustaining marriage. Likeable qualities in a person would lead to love automatically is

the assumption here. At the same time experiments within the context of premarital

romantic relationships were acceptable as a means to understand oneself. Severing a

relationship, a romantic bond or a marriage should be a well-considered decision and,

if possible, best avoided.

174

More than 50 % of emerging adults have expressed the desire to opt for either love

marriage or marriage by self-selection. Yet, a substantial number of emerging adults

still prefer arranged marriage, many a times fearing the intensity of romantic

relationship or at times also ‘knowing’ that their parents would not accept a love

marriage.

Developmental outcomes.

Contradicting the beliefs of middle adults and emerging adults (phase 1 respondents),

romantically involved emerging adults showed preference for partners who were

simple rather than boastful, aspired for finding a life-partner in the romantic partner

and also reported positive influence on many aspects of their life including studies

and career.

Mostly, emerging adults found these relationships more satisfying than dissatisfying

and have reported that they cannot even think of breaking up. Data from both

qualitative and quantitative methods revealed that romantic relationships have

significant and lasting impact of an individual’s development. The nature of impact

depends on several factors such as the individuals involved, their romantic partners,

the attitudes of the parents and community, the availability of support and personal

space, and the cultural ideas about love and relationships. Both boys and girls

reported a positive change in the quality of life, which included positive feelings of

happiness and reducing negative states such as anger and sadness. They felt that the

relationships helped them grow, they learnt about themselves and the changes that

came about were natural and a part of the process within the relationships, rather than

imposed or deliberate.

175

The impacts of these relationships were perceived to be more intense for girls, and the

gender differences in parental and societal attitudes towards romantic relationships

were attributed to this. However, the correlation values from the quantitative data

reveal stronger correlations between relationship quality dimensions, especially for

domains related to passion and satisfaction and happiness for boys. Girls showed

markedly higher correlation only between the domain of understanding and

happiness.

Society, parents and gender.

The societal norms are perceived to be stringent for girls compared to boys as girls are

considered more vulnerable physically, emotionally as well as socially. Most often,

the Indian society is perceived to have an ambivalent attitude towards individuals

involved in a romantic relationship before marriage ranging from extreme negative to

supportive and positive. Yet, opinions of middle adults and emerging adults are

largely positive, considering the individuals engaged in such a bond as ‘blessed’,

‘lucky’; they also feel that they must value and nurture such a significant and

beautiful relationship.

Parents reported democratic modes of decision making regarding their emerging

adults’ choice of romantic (future spouse) partner. While, parents demonstrated a

desire to understand their children, emerging adults too showed empathy in their

responses towards parental concerns for them, even when they felt that their parents

were ‘over protective’ at times.

The concerns voiced by the community regarding dangerous consequences of

unprotected sex, turbulent break-ups and moving away from other essential

176

dimensions of life, were voiced for both boys and girls. Public display of affection

(PDA) was also found to be disturbing for many middle adults as well as emerging

adults.

It was identified that a society can facilitate the formation of healthy romantic

relationships, if in that it allows the emerging adults to communicate freely about their

relationships, to seek advice and support from parents, to have access to proper

information and skills, and, to have personal space. Further, these factors were

considered indispensible to create a facilitative environment for the emerging adults

and providing such an environment was recognized as a need in the society.

Chapter 4 discusses the findings of the study.

DiscussionDiscussionDiscussionDiscussion

AndAndAndAnd

ConclusionsConclusionsConclusionsConclusions

177

CHAPTER 4

DISCUSSION AND CONCLUSIONS

“In my opinion love is in need of help today, and we aren’t going to fix it by keeping

quiet about it.” Claude Steiner.

Romantic love has shaped the nature of human intelligence and interpersonal

relationships, and has been a motivational force in achieving the loftiest ideals of

culture and civilization (Förster, Epstude & Ozelsel, 2009; Pederson, 2004; Miller,

2001; Bartels & Zeki, 2000; Fisher, 1994). The study reveals important concepts

pertaining to love and close relationships and also how people process this social

information to make sense of what is going on around them. The findings are

discussed by integrating this socio-cognitive perspective with the socio-cultural and

evolutionary perspectives, thus, integrating the memetic and the genetic, that is, the

cultural/ideological and the biological replicators responsible for human evolution.

This chapter begins with discussion of the conceptualization of romantic love by the

emerging adults and the middle adults, the experiences of emerging adults engaged in

a romantic relationship and its developmental outcomes. It also discusses the

viewpoints of middle adults to highlight the parental and societal perspectives on the

phenomenon. Gender issues pertaining to relationship experiences and societal norms

are also discussed. The last section assesses the scope of the present study and ends

with implications and recommendations for further studies .

178

Conceptualizations of Romantic Relationships

“ … lovers experience a state of utopia. It is by virtue of this feeling that poets and

lovers find ordinary elements such as tress and birds extraordinary … it is a journey

entailing experience of heaven in carefree bliss” (boy).

Buoyant, vibrant and succulent words are chosen to describe the meaning of romantic

love. For all participants, across age and gender, romantic love is a sentiment that

demands the energies from all levels of existence, that is, physical, cognitive and

affective. Madness, magic, play, passion, thrill and excitement are necessary

components of romantic love, and commitment is the core. These experienced and

intuitive reports by the participants are in sync with findings by scientists conducting

brain researches to understand the neural basis of romantic love. Bartels and Zeki

(2000) show that “a unique set of interconnected areas [in the brain] becomes active”

to create the “richest experience of mankind” (p.3833).

The research reveals that both emerging adults and middle adults viewed romantic

relationships as special, natural, and having a positive potential for people engaged in

them. This was true for both the genders across generations. The myriad

conceptualization of romantic love, which is all inclusive and even appears

paradoxical at times, reveals the profoundness of viewing romantic relationships in

the given cultural context. Even today, the “voices” echo the supremacy of love as

reflected in the socio-cultural context of the Indian ideology. These patterns in

conceptualizations are common across the globe and have been shared by several

societies across centuries (Bartels & Zeki, 2000; Fisher, 2008; Riela, Rodriguez,

Aron, Xu, & Acevedo, 2010; Smith, 2011).

179

Despite upholding the ‘romantic’, consistently reflected as ‘ideals’ through time and

space, reaching these ideals has been equally elusive for societies all over the world.

To understand this gap between the ideals reported and the experiences lived out, it

may be useful to understand what love is not. While the participants have accentuated

the positive potentials and experiences of romantic relationships, this chapter devotes

some space for discussing the ‘de-emphasized’ aspects of romantic experiences. The

promising ideas about love turn into dangerous pitfalls, when the undesirable aspects

are overlooked.

Is romantic an antonym of practicable?

Romantic love by definition is not an emotion but a myriad of emotions, with

specialized neural centers, encompassing many paradoxes (Shand, 2011; Bartels &

Zeki, 2000; Fisher, 2006). Paradoxes are acceptable, but contradictions need re-

examination, as, unlike contradictions, paradoxes are seemingly contradictory

statements which may be true. An example of paradox in romantic relationships could

be that one enters it by free will and at the same time one cannot start it or stop it by

volition. And an illustration of contradiction would be when one expects to be loved

for what one is without examining what one really is! Paradoxes are not a problem,

they can co-exist in reality but contradictions cannot exist in reality. Such

inconsistencies are discussed in this segment drawing examples from intimacy,

transparency and freedom, the central features defining romantic love.

How open are close relationships?

Subjective interpretations and uses of various terms need to be examined as they are

different from the scientific definitions. For example, according to Gore, Cross and

180

Morris (2006) “[Intimate] Emotional self-disclosures also reveal centrally important

aspects of the self, allowing the partner to verify and validate these self-views” (p.

83). This means acceding to tremendous vulnerability in the micro-climate of a warm

and loving relationship; it also implies willingness to change one’s own concepts

about oneself and this demands courage for growth and development. But, the

prevalent view of intimacy amongst the emerging adults may limit their chances of

experiencing truly open relationships, conducive to freedom and growth. Although

intimacy was defined in terms of openness and freedom to share completely, further

probing revealed that sharing frankly was more often equated to talking about

personal likes and dislikes and problems, and closeness was associated with how

often these needs are met. For example, “I told her before itself that after marriage

she should stay at home only, not roaming around much with her friends … she

should wear salwar suits and sarees only, if I decide then she can do a job otherwise

sit at home. She should do house-hold work. She can continue to sit at home and

study”. This comment appears to be a significant departure from individual freedom

in everyday life.

Transparency in romantic relationships.

Some of the undesirable behaviors though reported were downplayed by the study

participants. For example, a girl would ‘put up’ with her boyfriend’s compulsive lies

about little matters, because he was ‘otherwise good at heart’. Cole (2001) and

DePaulo (2004) suggest that some lies have an altruistic motive in the context of close

relationships. For example, one girl in the study said that at times she does not tell her

boyfriend (errors of omission) the whole story because she feels that it is better to

181

wait and help the person be prepared to process the truth. It prevents

misunderstanding. The purpose here is to enhance intimacy.

However, lying is also to avoid intimacy by keeping the partner at a comfortable

distance (Cole, 2001). For example, hiding the habit of smoking tobacco in order to

please a girl, to live up to the image that one may have portrayed during the period of

‘impressing the partner’. Some lies are considered harmless. Compared to boys, more

girls reported dissatisfaction due to lying behaviors of their partners. Interestingly, a

relationship which has trust as its defining feature has been ascertained to be a

‘hotbed’ for lies by DePaulo (2004).

It is natural that an individual would like to make an impression on one’s romantic

interest. The no-impact state which says ‘love me for what I am’ does not focus on

self-reflection and improvement. One the other hand traditional ways of impacting

which call upon feigning reality are destined for a catastrophe, because these ways are

designed to avoid sharing of real thoughts and feelings, in the here and now (Bach &

Deutsch, 1970). Intimacy was rarely defined as an opportunity to be free and explore

self in a ‘game-free’ relationship.

Freedom in romantic relationships.

Berne (1964) explains games as repetitive behavior patterns between two people

(sometimes more), with a hidden agenda, and the payoff generally is avoiding

autonomy and intimacy. For instance, a relationship pattern that describes a girl who

decides that she will not get angry with her partner for not spending more time with

her, but fails to remain calm. She then feels bad about not giving him enough space

182

but the pattern repeats, the dialogues do not change and neither the consequences of

nagging and the cycle of guilt.

Apparently benign forms of control are prevalent and also accepted as a part of

‘human nature’. A middle adult man explains, “It’s the basic instinct to feel bad when

we see our loved ones happy with someone other”. At times, both boys and girls were

not allowed to mingle with their best-friends if the friend belonged to the opposite-

sex. Also, one girl revealed that as an individual, she had become more serious and

less spontaneous than before, and both boys and girls reported that their other

friendships suffered. Possessiveness was viewed as a ‘normal’ part of the relationship

and it became a mutual loop of restrictions, like, “If I cannot talk to the boys then you

too cannot talk to the girls”. The freedom with which the two start out a relationship

disappears because in order to restrict another person one has to first forego one’s

own freedom. These aspects were overlooked when assessing the satisfaction levels in

the relationship.

Gender and romantic relationships

Similarly, even though respondents felt that ‘mutual understanding’ brought them

close to their partners, contradictions were observed. Ten percent girls complained

that, they were at times, forced to get involved at a physical level with their partners

for which they were not yet ready. This gives a glimpse of the vulnerability which the

partners experience and a probability of violating individual rights, which may lead to

violence within relationships.

This point is exemplified by Prescott (2002) who observes the contrast between the

human societies and the bonobo chimp societies. He questions what has made the

183

human primate the most violent primate on the face of the earth, while the bonobo

chimps who share 99.1 % of our genetic matter are the most peaceful and loving

primates. Based on theoretical and scientific research he reveals that lack of

experiences in ‘love’ is a single developmental factor that can be associated with

violence at personal level as well as global level. Prescott talks about deprivation of

physical contact during infancy and adolescence in the American society which is

otherwise presumed to be a ‘permissive’ society. A middle adult man succinctly

explains, “If you really go into cross-section of other countries also, you will find

similar dogmas [virginity issues], social rules which are for or against romantic

relationships, you will find there also … so it’s too generic and stereotypical to say

West vis-a-vis India … I am talking about say New York, London, Tokyo, Bombay …

can you say Bombay is not in India or New York represents America? No. there are

layers of these values and contexts within contexts”.

Indian studies focusing on pre-marital relationships among youth belonging to lower

income group reveal that young men use both physical force as well as psychological

pressure in order to ‘make love’ (Jaya & Hindin, 2009). There is a belief that having

sexual intercourse with a girl almost serves as a stamp of possession by the man.

Apart from the biological urge, the need for such security may drive men to demand

sex as a proof of loyalty and commitment. Sujay (2009) reveals gender double

standards among boys who want to have pre-marital sex and at the same time think

that a girl who approves of premarital sex is not worth marrying. Girls understand this

and avoid sexual intercourse because they are unsure about the future. The idea of

virginity is a societal expectation so deeply ingrained that a girl losing virginity will

amount to losing everything, even the relationship. These disturbing cultural memes

are reinforced in Bollywood films very often. The worst form of this meme is when a

184

rapist is ‘punished’ by law to marry the victim. An example of such a movie is Raja

Ki Aayegi Baarat (King’s Marriage Procession Will Arrive).

However, findings from the present study deviate from the gender stereotypes that

girls experience intimacy more profoundly than boys. Other studies (e.g., Reeder,

2003) comparing genders on dimensions of intimacy have revealed that girls score

higher on intimacy, when intimacy is measured in term of level of self-disclosure. The

present study shows that when trust, acceptance, understanding, satisfaction, passion

and commitment dimensions are considered while assessing relationship quality and

wellbeing, boys show stronger correlations between happiness and relationship

quality dimensions. This result from the quantitative analysis also deviates from the

perceptions about gender differences reported in the qualitative interviews of this

study, on impact of romantic relationships on boys and girls. Most believed that girls

are more sensitive biologically and also more vulnerable socially and hence the

positive and negative impacts would be stronger for girls.

Romantic Love, Commitment and Marriage

The construal of love on the basis of commitment has various shades. The reports of

respondents regarding the increased visibility of romantic relationships in the Indian

context and the attribution of the cause to globalization correspond with the ideas

proposed by many scholars including Arnett (2000; 2004) and Netting (2010). Yet,

love without awareness about one’s own self, love without sincerity, love without the

foresight of long term consequences and love without commitment does not mean

much to emerging adults and middle adults in the urban Indian context. On the other

hand, the emerging adults who were currently engaged in a romantic bond or had

experienced one in the past, believed that romantic relationship is a process of self-

185

discovery. Security is not a value in itself, but love is. For some emerging adults,

experimenting in the contexts of romantic relationships meant finding a ‘right partner’

to live their entire life with. Therefore, even though the process does not begin with

commitment, the process has to end, if long term commitment seems impossible. The

reasons could be personal or societal.

However, to the Indian mind, whether it is of an emerging adult or a middle adult,

frivolous approach to these relationships is very disturbing. While the respondents

hold globalization as responsible for making the contemporary Indian society more

conducive to form romantic bonds, many feel that impulsive relationship choices

based on sexual attraction is a product of the westernization of ‘our’ culture. The

stereotypes of “hooking up culture” which stands for indiscriminate involvement

associated with emerging adult’s sexual relationships in the West (Lefkowitz, Gillen

& Vasilenko, 2011) are also evident from the responses in the present study.

Lefkowitz et al. (2011) suggest that empirical research on sexual behavior occurring

in the context of romantic relationships is amiss. They opine that research on romantic

relationships rather than on sexual behavior would better accomplish the task of

applying theory to understand a developmental phase. In the Indian context too,

researches that focus on the nature and quality of romantic relationships and prevalent

cultural memes would reveal more about overall well-being of young individuals.

The middle adults as well as emerging adults felt that the romance is missing from the

ever increasing number of romantic pair bonds. When they viewed the emerging

adults’ romantic relationships just as a way of experimenting sexually or to fill their

empty materialistic lives with poor alternatives such as ‘cheap’ sex, with no concern

for the partner involved, they felt that ‘romance’ is getting a bad name. This concern

186

is in line with Abraham (2002) who has identified platonic 'bhai-behen' ('brother-

sister like'), romantic 'true love', and transitory and sexual 'time-pass' relationships

amongst unmarried youth from a low socio economic background in an Indian

metropolis. The term “time-pass” meaning insincere and frivolous relationships is

along the lines of the Western prototype of “hooking up culture” that no longer reflect

the intensity or depth associated with intimate relationships. The respondents feel that

this is neither “romantic” nor is it a part of the Indian culture.

Indian emerging adults are, however, catching up with this materialistic approach,

also voiced as a concern by the respondents. A finding that contrasts an earlier study

by Levine, Sato, Hashimoto and Verma (1995) is that love was regarded as a

prerequisite for marriage by most emerging adults in the current study, whereas

earlier it was revealed that Indian respondents assigned least importance to love as a

prerequisite for marriage compared to the U.S. and even other developed nations of

the East like Japan and Hong Kong. Nevertheless, a substantial number of emerging

adults reported that they would opt for an arranged marriage. This is because in the

Indian context love is positively associated with time. This is peculiar to the Indian

context and in contrast to the West where it is believed that time generally destroys

romantic love (Reik as cited in Acevedo & Aron, 2009). The problem that individuals

experience in the West is that a cohabiting or married couple would find it difficult to

say that “we do not love each other”; yet in cultures such as India and Japan, couples

can say that “we do not love, but we are together” (Jamison & Ganong, 2011).

Nevertheless, several emerging adults felt that having a romantic relationship before

marriage helps in being better prepared for marriage. They were ready to view

relationships as contexts for learning and discovering and in the process, finding a

187

suitable mate. For example, “According to me the more relationships you have before

marriage the better experiences you have and also you have a good tendency to select

perfect life partner for you. Otherwise if you just sit in a marriage the relationship

will end in a divorce only, I think. I feel one must have a past before marriage”, said a

girl currently engaged in a romantic relationship. These findings echo Karney,

Beckett, Collins and Shaw’s (2007) results that experiences of premarital romantic

relationships can serve as precursors for healthy marital relationships.

The strong preference for arranged marriage, apart from demonstrating a desire to

adhere to cultural practices, many a times, may indicate a fear of intensity of romantic

relationship or at times hurting parental wishes. The idea about fulfilling parent’s

expectations and the desire of not wanting to ‘hurt’ them, without examining the

correctness of such expectations is a concern for both parent-child relationships as

well as romantic relationships.

Parental Approval and Romantic Relationships

“In short, they [my parents] do a very fine balancing act between psycho/over-

bearing parents and … , we couldn’t care less types” (girl).

Emerging adults’ perceptions about parents’ attitude towards opposite-sex friendships

and even romantic relationships was more positive than negative. Emerging adults felt

that if they made a ‘right’ choice and were financially independent then their parents

will support their decisions. These respondents felt that caste, and even religion may

not matter much. This finding is in contrast to several other studies on marriage

partner selection that lay importance on caste more than money and education (e.g.,

188

Banerjee, Duflo, Ghatak & Lafortune, 2009). Emerging adults who perceived that

their parents will understand them expressed appreciation for their parents.

However, 10% of emerging adults, not currently engaged in a romantic relationship,

reported that although they personally would wish to fall in love, ‘knowing’ that their

parents would never support them, they would rather “control” themselves and not

hurt their parents. The reasons for their parents’ discouragement for a romantic

relationship ranged from a plausible distraction in career and other responsibilities,

caste, horoscope, religion, status, and societal disapproval to doubting the emerging

adult’s ability to make a mature choice. Many emerging adults and middle adults

believed that romantic relationships affect career and academic trajectories. However,

romantically involved emerging adults believed their partner to be a motivating force

in improving academic performance and strengthening career aspirations. All the

same, presently uninvolved emerging adults believed that romantic relationships can

play havoc with academic goals. These views align with the findings of Manning,

Giordano, Longmore and Hocevar (2011) that romantic partnerships have both

positive and negative influences on education and work trajectories. Middle adults

also shared similar concerns. While, romantically involved emerging adults

recognized this plausible threat to academics, they expressed that their desire to be

with their romantic partner helps them to work towards financial independence so that

they can earn their right to put forth their decision to their parents.

Interestingly, the emerging adults expressed empathy with their parents’ concerns and

interpreted these controls as parental intent to ‘protect’ them from societal censor and

other emotional trauma resulting from a romantic relationship. Empathy, however, did

not surmount to agreement; yet, many found it difficult to take a stand for what they

189

thought was right. They said they would avoid a romantic relationship. These

responses may arise from the idea of respecting parents, a dominant meme in the

Indian culture (see Kapadia, 2008; Kapadia & Miller, 2005). Yet, parental disapproval

and respect for parents could serve as an excuse for emerging adults to avoid intimate

relationships or take responsibility per se. Parental refusal is given as a legitimate

reason for breaking commitments. Further they report feeling good about obeying

one’s own parents.

Extremely negative perceptions of parents’ attitude were met with absolute

disagreement from the emerging adults who reported conflicts with parents when

latter acted ‘over-protecting’. Comparatively more girls also emerged stronger in

taking a stance when it came to choosing their romantic partner, even when

confronted with problems.

Among middle adults, the opinions toward emerging adults engaging in romantic

relationships were largely positive. This was true for both genders. While talking

about their own children, majority of them expressed that they would be supportive if

they perceive it to be a good decision by their child. Parents were aware and accepting

of what may ensue in a romantic relationship. On the other hand, more men also

reported autocratic responses and declared that if they found the match to be

unacceptable, they would even use coercive methods to impose their decisions.

Women expressed that they would try to understand their children’s point of view.

The cultural notion that parents have the right to decide for their emerging adults and

emerging adults’ idea about fulfilling parent’s expectations and the desire of not

wanting to ‘hurt’ them, without examining the correctness of such expectations is a

concern for both parent-child relationships as well as romantic relationships. Similar

190

issues have been discussed in Netting (2010), where the young individuals forced by

parents to leave their romantic partners, feel that it would have been better had they

stood by their own choices rather than allowing their parents to make them feel guilty

and thus control their lives. This finding also has implication on the cultural ideas

about “being loyal to parents” and “respecting elders”. Kapadia’s (2011) study on

identity anchors of emerging adult girls also reveals these struggles with parents and

other adults. The sense of “owning” a person in a close relationship, whether it is a

romantic partner or one’s own child, takes individuals farther away from experiencing

acceptance, trust and intimacy that form the core of close relationships.

In general, neither emerging adults nor middle adults reported instances of different

treatments to boys and girls pertaining to forming and maintaining romantic

relationships. The same strict or liberal norms applied to both the genders. But, while

describing the general scenario they revealed that societal norms were more binding

for girls than boys, a finding confirmed by Kapadia (2011) and Sujay (2009).

Societal attitudes

“India was a liberal land, it was a land of the kamasutra, but that liberal stance was

obliterated by nearly eight centuries of Muslim rule and two centuries of British rule,

especially, the Victorian age. So there was a complete shift in the cultural ethos which

continues till this date. And since you are referring to the middle class which is the

vanguard of morality” (boy).

The emerging adult boy who made the preceding comment is expressing his views

about the societal scenario and clearly does not agree with such ‘vanguards of

morality’. Only 2 % of the total respondents upheld these standards of morality and

191

‘Indianness’. News describing prosecution of romantic couples in the name of

morality by law the ‘civilians’ as well as the police, threats to individuals who

celebrate Valentine’s day by vigilante groups such as Sri Ram Sena (Farmer, 2009)

under the façade of protecting the Indian culture, serve as examples for the attitude of

a section of the society, but are unjustly generalized on Indian society as a whole.

These groups also assume a violent stance, if girls are not dressed ‘traditionally’, that

is, they would like to boycott jeans. The act of threatening individual expressions of

love is invariably aimed at suppressing individual freedom, and this subjugation

begins by controlling behavior of the women first. Incidentally, in the Western

context, historically, the denim revolution has stood for and endorsed values of

democracy and individual freedom (see Ferguson, 2011). Can any society which

deserves to be called civilized, be against democracy?

Evolution of romantic mating vis-a-vis cultural norms.

Emerging adults engaged in romantic relationships revealed that usually people were

amiable; yet, there were a good number of people who gave disapproving glances to

young couples. This experience of emerging adults is in line with the opinions

expressed by the participants of phase 1. Emerging adults, who were not currently

involved in a romantic bond, as well as middle adults affirmed that a romantic

relationship is equal to a blessing, yet 10 % of them also added that public display of

affection (PDA) is disturbing.

Why does PDA disturb the human mind? For some respondents, the simple answer

was that “it is not ‘our’ culture”, with little effort to question culture. Romantic

relationships potentially challenge everything that is believed to be a convention in

this context, from hierarchical subjugation of the young by the old and of women by

192

the men to marriage patterns and customs. Few others believed that public display of

affection is a proof of frivolous relationships based only on physical attraction and

hence, they find it disturbing.

Section 294 of The Indian Penal Code (1860) maintains PDA as a crime deserving

imprisonment up to three months and/or even a fine. However, charges against a

certain kissing couple (married) were dismissed by Delhi high court as the judge

wondered “How can an expression of love by a young married couple attract an

obscenity charge?” (India couple's kiss, 2009). It is strange that only few wonder

about such questions. Policemen, lower courts and other proponents of ‘Indian

culture’ give up ethics for morality! It is ironical that the ‘proponents’ of Indian

culture, a culture that has led individuals historically, to the path of non-violence,

humanity and love, should use coercive methods to control specific behavior in the

name of culture, religion and righteousness. Where is the ‘culture’ (Indian or any

other) in beating up young individuals who wear jeans or celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Middle adults, being aware of strong reactions in some pockets of the society, were

concerned about the emerging adults in love in light of the context. They felt that

emerging adults must be aware of their context and prevalent attitudes and norms in

order to avoid unnecessary pain. Middle adults also disclose that educational

institutions, parents and society at large need to let emerging adults explore and

understand relationships, at the same time, supporting them in case they encounter

heart breaks and rejection.

The next segment discusses the implications of the study by highlighting the possible

developmental consequences of engaging in romantic relationships in the given

context.

193

Romantic Relationships and Development Outcomes

Romantic relationships entail overwhelming engagement of the involved individual at

all levels of one’s existence. Positive outcomes include discovering aspects of one’s

own self, experiencing meaning and purpose in life, improving temperament,

enhancing pro-social skills and accepting more responsibility in work and life.

Plausible negative outcomes such as choosing a ‘wrong’ partner, overwhelming

emotions making one incapacitated to do anything else and turbulent breakup with its

aftermath are some serious concerns for romantically involved individuals. Also,

because romantic love inherently has a quality of madness that appears impudent to

the society and is perceived as having disruptive ramifications on societal norms,

challenging the prevalent norms per se can lead to negative outcomes in romantic

relationships. Since, romantic relationships provide a context for freedom and making

choices between the two possibilities of desirable and undesirable developmental

outcomes, these choices have to be made carefully.

Close relationships cannot be taken for granted, even though, we as a species, are

hard-wired to form them. As is evident from the experiences of the emerging adults

and the concerns of the middle adults, a level of awareness about oneself, one’s own

desires, expectations and actions as well as a level of empathy and understanding

towards others, needs to be consciously fostered. Traits like possessiveness and the

tendency to protect one’s ‘territory’ are equally innate to human beings as it comes

from the most primitive part of our triune brain (Steiner, 2000) and therefore, it is

important to be aware of the processes which can hamper positive developmental

outcomes. Human beings also have the more evolved neo-cortex and the ability to

reason, and so, it is important that for structuring society in an evolved manner, one

194

has to let the primitive instincts pass through the screen of reason instead of allowing

the instincts to sabotage reason. Moreover, one’s hierarchy of values is crucial for the

quality of any relationship. This kind of self-assessment and appraisal is important in

order to be able to relate with someone and thereby, induce positive developmental

outcomes.

Towards desirable developmental outcomes.

Cultural and contextual factors impinge upon development, yet, much more depends

on the understanding and skill of the individuals involved. The ability to form and

sustain romantic relationship is a developmental task for emerging adults. It demands

dexterity equal to walking a tight rope or a razor’s edge, because it demands personal

discipline and willingness to confront one’s own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It

requires ability to trust and be trusted, and prior to that it requires the ability to

identify the trustworthy. Although all study participants asserted positive impacts of

romantic relationships, none denied the plausible pitfalls. This is expressed in folk

lore and poetry, for example, the following famous lines from an Urdu poetry by

Jigar Moradabadi ,

“Yeah ishq nahi aasaan, itnaa samaj lijiye, Ek aag ka dariyaa hai aur doob ke jaana

hai.”

Meaning, ‘love is not that simple; please understand it is like crossing a sea of fire’.

Fire is a symbol for purifying impurities.

Or in devotional poetry as Kabir Saheb sings, “Kabir yeh to ghar hai prem kaa,

Khaala ka ghar naahi, Sheesh utaare Bhumi dhare, so paithe ghar maahin.” This

means

195

“Kabir, this is the abode of love

Not the house of an aunt

Only that one can enter here

Who has relinquished all pride”

Romantic ideals are very close to devotional ideals in the oriental culture. Bhajans are

love songs addressed to the entire existence or any form (deity) which symbolizes

existence to the devotee. Sufi poetry always addresses the Supreme Being as

feminine, a woman sweetheart. However, the popular boyfriend-girlfriend dynamics

are different. There are power struggles, dating violence and flippancy as revealed by

review of several studies.

In the present study also, middle adults were concerned that today young people do

not know what ‘romance’ means, they do not have the time, sensibility and aesthetics

required to be romantic. They are too busy with pomp and show rather than

experiencing themselves and their partner. Having romantic experiences before

entering a long term committed relationship may be valuable, but how reasonable is it

to avoid intimacy and depth in present relationship feigning ‘exploration’? Levine and

Cureton pointed out that many emerging adults in the USA aspire for a single happy

marriage, but feel that they lack the efficacy for achieving this goal (as cited in

Fincham, Stanley & Rhoades, 2011). Fincham et al. (2011), thus make a case for the

relevance of relationship education during emerging adulthood.

In fact, some respondents suggested that something needs to be done for these

emerging adults, so that they can be in tune with themselves first, and consequently

with their partners and others around them. Inculcating values through education,

helping them learn certain life skills for better communication, decision making, and

giving them ample space for experimentation is essential for forming relationships

196

that are intimate and fulfilling. Needless suffering, in the name of social norms,

customs and morality, can be avoided by reexamining values and memes about love

and relationships existing in the culture. This is true, not only for societies that repress

natural expressions of romantic love, but also for ‘liberal’ societies. Both emerging

adults and middle adults have reported that norms, which are neither too stringent nor

too liberal, are the most ideal for young individuals to develop healthy and mature

relationships with opposite-sex partners. Indiscriminate sexual encounters or non-

relationship sex does not generally serve the purpose of finding a ‘soul mate’.

Ethologists and brain researchers (see Morris, 1969; 1971; Fisher, 2006) forewarn

against accidental imprinting on both or one partner. Another concern is that if true

intimacy is avoided, it leads to a cycle of loneliness, depression, antidepressants;

using antidepressants lead to further loneliness because these drugs interfere with

natural chemicals that are responsible for bonding (Fisher, 2006).

Conclusion

The glory of romantic love is sung by the Indian middle adults and emerging adults

alike, a evident in the responses. Trust, openness and freedom are the most important

values in a romantic relationship and it is the only relationship among ‘close

relationships’ which is considered as integrating all aspects in an individual, such as

mental, emotional and physical. It is also considered as the most intense of the

relationships and, therefore, its impact on an individual is equally strong. Exploration

in the domain of love needs to lead towards readiness for experiencing depth and

intimacy, because long-term relationship experiences bring happiness and well-being.

Yet, an ‘ostrich mentality’ is prevalent while dealing with romantic relationships

197

outside the context of marriage. There is a discomfort in accepting romantic

relationships in the ‘full sense’ of the term.

Even though romantic relationships before marriage are acceptable in the

contemporary Indian society. There is an emphasis on commitment at the cost of

exploration and understanding of oneself through the medium of relationships. Love

is regarded as the fruit of marriage and marriage is regarded as the logical end for any

romantic relationship. Yet, it is noteworthy that romantic love and marriage are not as

closely linked as they are in the West. It is not mandatory for an emerging adult in

India to find his/her ‘soul mate’ all by himself/herself. Commitment can either

precede or succeed the love relationship in the Indian context.

The emerging adults showed empathy for their parental concerns and, so did several

parents for their emerging adult. Especially mothers demonstrated a desire to

understand the need of the emerging adult and also to provide support. Yet, parents

and emerging adults avoid direct references to these experiences. Communication

takes the form of making sarcastic comments, teasing or joking, and, in extreme

cases, reprimanding by parents. Although, society believes that having a romantic

relationship is a beautiful experience, at the same time, it is hesitant in forthrightly

endorsing these relationships for the young.

Romantic relationships have very high potential for emerging adults’ development

and all respondents have vouched in favor of positive influences of romantic

experiences in an individual’s life. The nature of impact, however, depends on several

factors, such as, the characteristics of the individuals involved and their romantic

partners, the attitudes of the parents and community, the availability of support and

personal space, and the cultural ideas about love and relationships. Opportunities for

198

exploring relationship alternatives need to be upheld as a right of an emerging adult.

Yet, limiting conceptualization of emerging adulthood as a phase of “many choices

and no commitment”, especially, in the context of romantic relationships can be

detrimental for development of long term relationships (Lefkowitz.et a., 2011; Stanley

et al., 2011).

The concept of commitment in India, from a socio-historical perspective is more

about commitment to the self in doing that which is right and good, not only for

oneself but for significant others, especially parents. Therefore, commitment is

desirable and valued as it serves functional purposes in a relationship and the society;

however, it need not become dysfunctional to individuals, by expecting them to

commit undiscerningly. Happiness would result when there is a “win-win” situation

between the individual goals and the collective goals.

It is important that love is viewed as an integrated experience rather than fragmenting

love into self-love vis-à-vis partner-love or spiritual love vis-à-vis sexual love. For

romantic love can contribute to well-being only when it is experienced as a whole,

because fragments would lead to conflicting experiences which cannot lead to

happiness. Therefore, understanding the Indian thought pertaining to non-duality

between body and consciousness may be revived from the ancient Indian philosophy

so that undue attention is not focused upon the physical aspects of affection.

Interestingly, ascetics have little to do with repression. Ramakrishna, an Indian sage,

proclaimed that the ascetics are the real hedonists and that he was one of the greatest

hedonists. Mahadevan explains this apparent contradiction, “It is not only the pleasure

of the moment, sense-pleasure, or the greatest amount of pleasure in this life that we

desire, but everlasting happiness” (as cited in Goodwin, 1955) or as Riencourt

199

comments “The profound wisdom of a religious system [culture] which affirmed

everything and denied nothing paid tremendous dividends [in the evolution of the

civilization]” (1960, p.220).

In conclusion, reexamining the current progressive trends of society, in the domain of

empowerment and freedom to individuals at large, and thus, in the domains of

explorations in love and relationships, it would be apt to quote Fisher (2006), a

biological anthropologist, “we are really moving forward, to the past” (para. 18).

Appraisals, Reflections and Further Recommendations

The present study was conducted in Baroda, which is a peculiar Indian context. It is

situated in Gujarat, one of the most progressive states in India. The city is known for

its culture, cosmopolitan crowd, freedom and safety of women, economic

development and the Gujarati community is also known as being tolerant and peace

loving. Therefore, all findings may not be generalized to other Indian contexts.

However, the major contention of the present thesis is that cultural ideas, definitions

and memes about love guide developmental trajectories, a theoretical postulate

generalizable to other contexts. For example, there is a reason to believe that societies

that perpetuate honor-killings would be devoid of experiences in romantic

relationships that lead to egalitarian and game-free partnerships as well as resultant

happiness.

The present study fathoms the conceptualization, attitudes and beliefs about romantic

relationships and its developmental outcomes in a particular section of the society.

Similar studies in other cultural contexts and societal segments would add to our

understanding of what are the lived experiences of romantic relationships of emerging

200

adults and what developmental inputs would help and support positive, growth-

oriented experiences.

The qualitative phenomenography captures the voices of the respondents which give

insights into their romantic aspirations, ideals as well as dissatisfactions. It also

reveals internal conflicts and contradictions experienced by both the emerging adults

as well as the parent figures. This information is indispensible for developmentalists

interested in fostering positive developmental outcomes for emerging adults through

relationships and life skills education.

Action researches in this area would require processing the theoretical postulates

offered by the present study. Human societies across the globe have ample evidences

demonstrating the negative consequences (suicides, murders, rapes, depression) of a

‘loveless’ society. There is a need to redefine human loving, a need to put physical

intimacy back into the context of romantic relationships, a need to encourage

emerging adults to value intimacy and autonomy, to be responsible and make the

choices with awareness. The study also illuminates various aspects of parent-child

relationships, such as expectations, conflicts, subjugation, and betrayal. Therefore, it

has implications on parenting outcomes desired by the Indian parents and validating

these outcomes against developmental consequences. For example, would parents like

to teach emotional manipulation as a way of commanding obedience or demonstrating

love?

These questions lead to broader examination of memes related to interpersonal

relationships per se. Therefore, relationship education need not remain limited to

marital or premarital education, sex education or remedial education but include

efficacy leading to positive developmental outcomes, such as ability to identify and

201

share one’s feelings, thoughts, respect each other beyond gender roles and power

struggles, listening without ‘mind-reading’, learning perspective taking, empathizing,

conflict resolution and above all, loving and accepting oneself. Gathering larger data

sets covering cross-sections of societies would be essential to help the government see

the health and economic benefits of investing in relationship education of emerging

adults. Psychiatrist, R.D. Laing playfully summarizes the serious issues in romantic

relationships explaining the need for efficacy based relationship education in the

following delightful poem.

Do you love me?

“SHE do you love me?

HE yes I love you

SHE best of all?

HE yes best of all

SHE more than the whole world?

HE yes more than the whole world

SHE do you like me?

HE yes I like you

SHE do you like being near me?

HE yes I like being near you

SHE do you like to look at me?

HE yes I like to look at you

SHE do you think I’m stupid?

HE no I don’t think you’re stupid?

SHE do you think I’m attractive?

HE yes I think you’re attractive

SHE do I bore you?

HE no you don’t bore me

202

SHE do you like my eyebrows?

HE yes I like your eyebrows

SHE very much?

HE very much

SHE which one do you like the most?

HE if I say one the other will be jealous

SHE you have to say

HE they are both exquisite

SHE honest?

HE honest

SHE have I got nice eyelashes?

HE yes nice nice eyelashes

SHE do you like to smell me?

HE yes I like to smell you

SHE do you like my perfume?

HE yes I like your perfume

SHE do you think I’ve good taste?

HE yes I think you have good taste

SHE do you think I’m talented?

HE yes I think you’re talented

SHE you don’t think I’m lazy?

HE no I don’t think you’re lazy

SHE do you like to touch me?

HE yes I like to touch you

SHE do you think I’m funny?

HE only in a nice way

SHE are you laughing at me?

HE no I’m not laughing at you

203

SHE do you really love me?

HE yes I really love you

SHE say “I love you”

HE I love you

SHE do you want to hug me?

HE yes I want to hug you, and cuddle you,

and bill and coo with you

SHE is it all right?

HE yes it’s all right

SHE swear you will never leave me?

HE I swear I’ll never ever leave you, cross my heart

and hope to die if I tell a lie

(pause)

SHE do you really love me?” (1976, p.64).

EpilogueEpilogueEpilogueEpilogue

204

Epilogue

ROMANTIC MEMES WORTH SPREADING

(Sharing few of my personal favourites)

Gestalt Prayer

I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,

And you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you, and I am I,

and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.

If not, it can't be helped.

(Perls, 1969)

Zen story

If You Love, Love Openly

Twenty monks and one nun, who was named Eshun, were practicing meditation with

a certain Zen master.

Eshun was very pretty even though her head was shaved and her dress plain. Several

monks secretly fell in love with her. One of them wrote her a love letter, insisting

upon a private meeting.

Eshun did not reply. The following day the master gave a lecture to the group, and

when it was over, Eshun arose. Addressing the one who had written her, she said: "If

you really love me so much, come and embrace me now."

205

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams

as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so

is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in

the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for

God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,

and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's

threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and

weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

206

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart

of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,

directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise

upon your lip.

Gibran (1923, pp. 11-14).

Ayn Rand on love

To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of

love-because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising,

unbetrayed values. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or

anyone.

(Rand, p.32).

207

ReferencesReferencesReferencesReferences

208

REFERENCES

Abbot, J.E., & Godbole, N.R. (1933). Stories of Indian saints (4th ed., Vols. 1-2).Poona:

Motilal Banarsidass.

Abraham, L. (2002). Bhai-behen, true love, time-pass: Friendships and sexual

partnerships among youth in an Indian metropolis. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 4

(3), 337-53.

Acevedo, B. P., & Aron, A. (2009). Does a long-term relationship kill romantic love?

Review of General Psychology, 13 (1), 59-65. doi:10.1037/a0014226

Aggarwal, R. (2000). Marriage partner selection in the Indian context: Cultural rules

and their interpretations. (Unpublished Master’s thesis), Maharaja Sayajirao

University of Vadodara, Gujarat, India.

Alexander, M., Garda, L., Kanade, S., Shireen, J., & Bela Ganatra. (2006). Romance

and sex : pre-marital partnership formation among young women and men, Pune

District, India. Reproductive Health Matters, 14 (28), 144-155. Retrieved from

http://www.jstor.org/stable/25475263

Ali, D. (2002). Anxieties of attachment: The dynamics of courtships in medieval India.

Modern Asian Studies, 36, (1), pp. 103–39.

Arnett, J. J. (2006). Suffering, selfish, slackers? Myths and reality about emerging

adults. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 36 (1), 23-29. doi:10.1007/s10964-

006-9157-z

209

Arnett, J.J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens

through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55, 469–80.

Arnett, J.J. (2004). Emerging Adulthood: The winding road from the late teens through

the twenties. New York: Oxford University Press.

Aune, K. S., & Wong, N. C. H. (2002). Antecedents and consequences of adult play

in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 9, 279-286. Retrieved from

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1475-6811.00019/pdf

Bach, G.R., & Deutsch, R.M. (1970). Pairing: How to achieve genuine intimacy. New

York: Avon Publishers.

Banaji, S. (2006). Loving with irony: Young Bombay viewers discuss clothing, sex

and their encounters with media. Sex Education, 6 (4), 377-391. doi:

10.1080/14681810600982044.

Banerjee, A., Duflo, E., Ghatak, M., & Lafortune, J. (2009). Marry for what? Caste

and mate selection in modern India (Working Paper No. 14958). Retrieved from

National Bureau of Economic Research http://www.nber.org/papers/w14958.pdf.

Bartels, A., & Zeki, S. (2000). The neural basis of romantic love. NeuroReport, 11

(17), 3829-3834. Retrieved from http://discovery.ucl.ac.uk/154900/

Berne, E. (1964). Games people play: The basic handbook of transactional analysis.

New York: Ballantine Books.

210

Booth, G. D. (1995). Traditional content and narrative structure in the Hindi

commercial cinema. Asian Folklore Studies, 54 (2), 169-190.

doi:10.2307/1178940.

Booth, M. (2000). Arab adolescents facing the future: Enduring ideals and pressures

of change. In B.B. Brown, R.W. Larson, & T.S. Saraswathi (Eds.), The world’s

youth: Adolescence in eight regions of the globe (pp.207-242). Cambridge:

Cambridge University Press.

Bouchey, H.A., & Furman, W. (2001). Dating and romantic experiences in

adolescence. In G.R. Adams & M. Derzonsky (Eds.).The Blackwell Handbook of

Adolescence. Oxford, UK: Blackwell publishers. Retrieved from http://

www.journals.apa.org/prevention/volume4/pre00400013c.html.

Bucx, F., & Seiffge-Krenke, I. (2010). Romantic relationships in intra-ethnic and

inter-ethnic adolescent couples in Germany: The role of attachment to parents,

self-esteem, and conflict resolution skills. International Journal of Behavioral

Development, 34 (2), 128-135. doi:10.1177/0165025409360294.

Chakravorti, C. (1963). Sex life in ancient India. Calcutta: K L Mukhopadhyaya.

Chatani, L. (2011). Culture and honor killing. WSRC Communique (1), pp. 1-2.

Chatterji, S. A. (2010,March 22). Heavy on morality, light on ethics The Statesman.

Retrieved from

http://www.thestatesman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=

323130&catid=44

211

Chopra, P. (nod). Am I an adult: Views of urban Indian youth. (Manuscript in

progress). The Maharaja Sayajirao University of Baroda, India.

Cole, T. (2001). Lying to the one you love : The use of deception in romantic. Journal

of Social and Personal Relationships, 18 (1), 107-129. Retrieved from

http://condor.depaul.edu/tcole/lying.pdf.

Connolly, J., & Goldberg, A. (1999). Romantic relationships in adolescence: The role

of friends and peers in their emergence and development. In W. Furman, B.

Brown, & C. Feiring (Eds.), The development of romantic relationships in

adolescence (pp. 266–290). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Connolly, J., Craig, W. Goldberg A., & Pepler, D. (1999) Conceptions of cross - sex

friendships and romantic relationships in early adolescence. Journal of Youth and

Adolescence, 28 (4), 481-94.

Crockett, L. J., & Randall, B. A. (2006). Linking adolescent family and peer

relationships to the quality of young adult romantic relationships : The mediating

role of conflict tactics. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23 (5), 761-

780. doi:10.1177/02654075060.

Dave, P. (2011). Honour or dishonour. WSRC Communique (1), pp. 6-7.

Davis, (n.d.). Male and female differences in cross-sex and same-sex adolescent

friendships. Retrieved from

http://students.haverford.edu/cdolich/Final%20Paper.htm.

Dawkins, R. (1976). The selfish gene. New York: Oxford University Press.

212

De, S.K. (1959). Ancient Indian erotics and erotic literature. Calcutta: K L

Mukhopadhyay.

Delaney, N. (2011). Romantic love and loving commitment: Articulating modern

ideal. American Philosophical Quarterly, 33 (4), 339-56.

DePaulo, B. M. (2004). The many faces of lies. In A. G. Miller (Ed.), The Social

Psychology of Good and Evil (pp. 303-326). New York: Guilford Press.

Derne, S. (2000). Culture, family structure, and psyche in Hindu India : The “fit” and

the “inconsistencies”. International Journal of Group Tensions, 29 (3/4), 323-

348. Retrieved from http://www.springerlink.com/content/v16023w236716417/

Doniger, W. (2003). The “Kamasutra” : It isn’t all about sex. The Kenyon Review,

New Series, 25 (1), 18-37. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/4338414

Dornbusch, S.M. (1989). The sociology of adolescence. Annual Review of Sociology,

15, 233-59.

Emeneau, M.B. (1962). Kālidāsa's Śakuntalā and the Mahābhārata. Journal of the

American Oriental Society, 82 (1), 41-4. Retrieved on from http://www.jstor.org/

stable/595977

Farmer, B. (2009, February,3). Hindu extremists 'will attack Valentine's day couples'.

The Telegraph. Retrieved from

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/4447238/Hindu-

extremists-will-attack-Valentines-Day-couples.html

213

Feiring, C. (1999). Other sex friendships networks and the development of romantic

relationships in adolescence. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 28 (4), 495-512.

Ferguson, N. (2011). Civilization: The West and the rest. London: Penguin Books.

Fincham, F.D., & Cui, M. (2011). Emerging adults and romantic relationships: An

introduction. In F.D. Fincham & M. Cui (Eds.) Romantic relationships in

emerging adulthood (pp.3-14). New York: Cambridge University Press.

Fiser, I. (1967). Indian erotics of the oldest period. New Delhi: Gaurav Publication

House.

Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2006). Romantic love: A mammalian brain

system for mate choice. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, 361,

2173-86. doi:10.1098/rstb.2006.1938.

Fisher, H.E. (2006, September). Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat [Video

file]. Retrieved from

http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat.html

Förster, J., Epstude, K., & Ozelsel, A. (2009). Why love has wings and sex has not:

how reminders of love and sex influence creative and analytic thinking.

Personality & social psychology bulletin, 35 (11), 1479-91.

doi:10.1177/0146167209342755.

Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical

developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of

General Psychology, 4 (2), 132-154. doi:10.1037//1089-2680.4.2.132.

214

Perls, F. (1969) Gestalt therapy verbatim. Moab, Utah: Real People Press.

Furman, W. & Simon, V. (1999). Cognitive representations of adolescent romantic

relationships. In W. Furman, B. Brown, & C. Feiring (Eds.), The development of

romantic relationships in adolescence (pp. 75–98). Cambridge: Cambridge

University Press.

Furman, W. (2002). The emerging field of adolescent romantic relationships. Current

Directions in Psychological Science, 11 (5), 177-180. Retrieved from

http://www.jstor.org/stable/20182803

Furman, W., & Wehner, E. A. (1994). Romantic views: Toward a theory of

adolescent romantic relationships In R. Montemayor, G.R. Adams, & G.P.

Gullota (Eds.) Advances in adolescent development: Relationships during

adolescence ( Vol. 6, p. 168-195). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Gala, J. & Unhelkar, B. (2008). Impact of mobile technologies and gadgets on

adolescent’s interpersonal relationships. In B. Unhelkar (Ed.) Handbook of

research in mobile business: Technical, methodological, and social perspectives

(2nd edition pp.326-33). New York: Information Science Reference

Galliher, R. V., Rostosky, S. S., Welsh, D. P., & Kawaguchi, M. C. (1999). Power

and psychological well-being in late adolescent romantic relationships. Sex

Roles, 40 (9/10), 689-710. doi:10.1023/A:1018804617443.

Gibran, K. (1923). The prophet. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.

Giordano, P.C. (2003). Relationships in adolescence [electronic version]. Annual

Review of Sociology, 29, 257-8.doi:10.1146/annurev.soc.29.010202.100047.

215

Gonzaga, G. C., Keltner, D., Londahl, E. A., & Smith, M. D. (2001). Love and the

commitment problem in romantic relations and friendship. Journal of

Personality and Social Psychology, 81 (2), 247-262. doi:10.I037//0022-

3514.81.2.247.

Goodwin, W.F. (1955). Ethics and value in Indian philosophy. Philosophy East and

West, 4 (4), 321-44. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/1396742.

Gore, J. S., Cross, S. E., & Morris, M. L. (2006). Let’s be friends: The relational self-

construal and the development of intimacy. Personal Relationships, 13, 83-102.

Ha, T., Overbeek, G., de Greef, M., Scholte, R. H. J., & Engels, R. C. M. E. (2010).

The importance of relationships with parents and best friends for adolescents’

romantic relationship quality: Differences between indigenous and ethnic Dutch

adolescents. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 34 (2), 121-127.

doi:10.1177/0165025409360293.

Hawley, J. S. (1979). Thief of butter, thief of love Author. History of Religions, 18

(3), 203-220. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/1062409

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment

process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.

History of sex in India (n.d.). In Wikipedia. Retrieved from

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_sex_in_India

India couple's kiss 'not obscene'. (2009, February 3). BBC News. Retrieved from

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7866478.stm

216

Indian Penal Code (1860). Retrieved from

http://www.vakilno1.com/bareacts/indianpenalcode/indianpenalcode1.htm

International Institute for Population Sciences (IIPS) and Population Council (2010).

Romance and sex before marriage among young women and men in India, Youth

in India: Situation and Needs 2006–2007, Policy Brief No. 34. Mumbai: IIPS.

Jamison, T., & Ganong, L. (2011, October). Emerging adults’ perceptions of partner

obligations in cohabiting and marital relationships. Paper presented at 5th

Conference on Emerging Adulthood, Providence, Rhode Island, USA.

Jaya, & Hindin, M. J. (2009). Premarital romantic partnerships : Attitudes and sexual

experiences of youth in Delhi, India. International Perspectives on Sexual and

Reproductive Health, 35 (2), 97-104. Retrieved from

http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3509709.pdf

Jejeebhoy, S.J. (2000). Adolescent sexual and reproductive behaviour: A review of

the evidence from India. In R. Ramasubban and S. Jejeebhoy (Eds.), Women’s

Reproductive Health in India, 40 - 101. Jaipur: Rawat Publications.

Kakar, S., & Kakar, K. (2007). The Indians: Portrait of a people. New Delhi: Penguin

Viking

Kan, M. L., McHale, S. M., & Crouter, A. C. (2007). Parental involvement in

adolescent romantic relationships: patterns and correlates. Journal of Youth and

Adolescence, 37 (2), 168-179. doi:10.1007/s10964-007-9185-3.

Kapadia, S. (1998, August). The Indian way: Marriage as the core of human

development. In S. Kapadia (Chair) Biology and Culture of Mating. Symposium

217

conducted at the meeting of the XIVth Congress of the International Association

of Cross-Cultural Psychology, Bellingham, Washington.

Kapadia, S. (2011, October). Identity anchors of emerging adult women in India. In J.

Schensul (Chair), Emerging adulthood: Glimpses from contemporary India.

Symposium conducted at the meeting of the 5th Conference on Emerging

Adulthood, Providence, Rhode Island, USA.

Kapadia, S. (2008). Adolescent- parent relationships in Indian and Indian - immigrant

families in US: Intersections and disparities. Psychology and Developing

Societies, 20 (2), 257-275.

Kapadia, S., Bajpai, D., Roy, S., & Chopra, P. (2007, December). Am I an adult?

Young individuals’ conceptions of adulthood in a contemporary Indian context.

Paper presented at National Conference on Human Development Research:

Commitment to Processes of Change, Department of Human Development of

Home Science, Nirmala Niketan Mumbai.

Kapadia, S., & Miller, J. (2005). Parent-adolescent relationships in the context of

interpersonal disagreements: View from a collectivist culture. Psychology and

Developing Societies, 17 (1), 33-50.

Karney, B. R., Beckett, M. K., Collins, R. L., & Shaw, R. (2007). Adolescent

romantic relationships as precursors of healthy adult marriages : A review of

theory, research and programs. Retrieved from

http://www.rand.org/pubs/technical_reports/2007/RAND_TR488.pdf

218

Kephart, W. M. (1967).Some correlates of romantic love. Journal of Marriage and

the Family, 29, 470-479.

Kishwar, M. (2004, June). The idea of India. Manushi: A Journal about Women and

Society, 139.Retrieved from

http://www.indiatogether.org/manushi/issue139/idea.htm

Krueger, O. (2004). “It’s all about loving your parents” The reflection of tradition,

modernity and rituals in popular Indian movies. Marburg Journal of Religion, 9

(1), 1-22. Retrieved from http://archiv.ub.uni-

marburg.de/mjr/pdf/2004/krueger2004.pdf

Kulkarni, R., & Kapadia, S. (2003). Are marriages made in heaven? Caste –based rule

systems for the process of marriage partner selection in specific caste groups of

Gujarat. In U. Vindhya (Ed.). Intersecting crossroads: Psychology in India. New

Delhi: Concept Publications.

Laing, R.D. (1976). Do you love me? New York: Pantheon Books.

Lanz, M., & Tagliabue, S. (2007). Do I really need someone in order to become an

adult? Romantic relationships during emerging adulthood in Italy. Journal of

Adolescent Research, 22, 531-549.

Larson, R., Wilson, S., Brown, B.B., Furstenberg, F.F., & Verma, S. (2002) Changes

in adolescents' interpersonal experiences: are they being prepared for adult

relationships in the twenty-first century? Journal of Research on Adolescence, 12

(1), pp. 31-68.

219

Lee, K.H, Swenson, A. V. R., & Niehuis, S. (2010). His or her parents ? Perceived

parental approval of romantic relationships among college students and their

partners. Interpersona, 4 (2), 213-236. Retrieved from

http://agnaldogarcia.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/04_paper.pdf

Lefkowitz, E. S., Gillen, M. M., & Vasilenko, S. A. (2011). Putting the romance back

into sex:Sexuality in romantic relationships. In F. D. Fincham, & M. Cui

(Eds.), Romantic Relationships in Emerging Adulthood (pp. 213-233).

NewYork : Cambridge University Press.

Levine, R., Sato, S., Hashimoto, T., & Verma, J. (1995).Love and marriage in eleven

cultures. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology. 26 (5), 554-71. doi: 10.1177/

0022022 195265007

Li, Z. H., Connolly, J., Jiang, D., Pepler, D., & Craig, W. (2010). Adolescent romantic

relationships in China and Canada: A cross-national comparison. International

Journal of Behavioral Development, 34 (2), 113-120.

doi:10.1177/0165025409360292.

Love is (n.d.). Retrieved from http://loveiscomix.com

Love is (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.gocomics.com/loveis/

Manning, W.D., Giordano, P.C., Longmore, A.M. & Hocevar, A. (2011). Romantic

relationships and academic/career trajectories in emerging adulthood. In F. D.

Fincham, & M. Cui (Eds.), Romantic Relationships in Emerging Adulthood (pp.

317-334). New York : Cambridge University Press.

220

Maxqda: The art of text analysis (2007) [Computer software]. VERBI Software.

Consult. Sozialforschung. GmbH, Marburg.

Maxwell, J.A. (1996). Qualitative research design: An interactive approach.

Thousand Oaks, California: Sage.

Medora, N. P., Larson, J. H., Hortaçsu, N., & Dave, P. (2002). Perceived attitudes

towards romanticism: A cross-cultural study of American, Asian-Indian, and

Turkish young adults. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 33, 155-178.

Miller, G. (2001). The mating mind: How sexual choice shaped the evolution of

human nature. New York: Anchor Books, A Division of Random House Inc.

Monro, W. D. (2006). Stories of India’s gods and heroes. USA:Kessinger Publishing,

LLC (Original work published in 1911).

Moore, S. M., & Leung, C. (2001). Romantic beliefs, styles, and relationships among

young people from Chinese, Southern European, and Anglo-Australian

backgrounds. Asian Journal of Social Psychology, 4, 53-68. Retrieved from

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-839X.00075/pdf

Morris, D. (1969). The human zoo. London: Jonathan Cape.

Morris, D. (1971) Intimate behavior. London: Random House Publications.

Mortimer, J.T., & Larson R.W. (2002). Macro-structural trends and the reshaping of

adolescence. In J.T. Mortimer, & R.W. Larson (Eds.), The changing adolescent

experience societal trends and the transition to adulthood (pp. 1-17), UK:

Cambridge University Press.

221

Moss, B. F., & Schwebel, A. I. (1993). Defining intimacy in romantic relationships.

Family Relations, 42 (1), 31-37. Retrieved from

http://www.jstor.org/stable/584918?origin=JSTOR-pdf

Netting, N. (2010). Marital ideoscapes in 21st-century India: Creative combinations

of love and responsibility. Journal of Family Issues, 31 (6), 707-26.

Pagano, M. E., & Hirsch, B. J. (2006). Friendships and romantic relationships of

Black and White adolescents. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 16 (3), 347-

357. doi:10.1007/s10826-006-9090-5.

Pais, S. (2006, May). Globalization and its impact on families. Paper presented at 4th

Viennese Conference on Mediation, Vienna, Austria.

Parker, R. (1993). Another point of view: A manual on gender analysis training for

grassroots workers. New York: UNIFEM.

Pedersen, C. A. (2004). How love evolved from sex and gave birth to intelligence and

human nature. Journal of Bioeconomics, 6, 39-63.

doi:10.1023/B:JBIO.0000017278.56163.6b

Prescott, J. W. (2002). America’s lost dream: Life, Liberty and the pursuit of

Happiness. Retrieved from http://www.violence.de/prescott/appp/ald.pdf

Punja, S. (1992). Divine ecstasy: The story of Khajuraho. New Delhi: Viking.

Rand, A. (1961). The virtue of selfishness. New York: Signet.

222

Reeder, H.M. (2003). The effect of gender role orientation on same-sex and cross-sex

friendship formation. Sex Roles, 49 (3/4), 143-152. doi:

10.1023/A:1024408913880.

Reese-Weber, M., & Marchand, J. F. (2002). Family and individual predictors of late

adolescents’ romantic relationships. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 31 (3),

197-206.

Riela, S., Rodriguez, G., Aron, a., Xu, X., & Acevedo, B. P. (2010). Experiences of

falling in love: Investigating culture, ethnicity, gender, and speed. Journal of

Social and Personal Relationships, 27 (4), 473-493.

doi:10.1177/0265407510363508.

Riencourt, A. D. (1960). The soul of India. New York: Harper & Bros.

Rudolph, A. (1902). Nala and Damayanti: a love-tale of East India, done out of the

Sanskrit of the Mahābhārata, the oldest epic poem of India .Canton, Pennsylvania:

The Kirgate Press. Retrieved from

http://www.archive.org/stream/nalaanddamayant00rudogoog#page/n10/mode/2up

Saraswathi, T.S., & Dutta, R. (1988).Invisible boundaries: Grooming for adult roles.

New Delhi: Northern Book Centre.

Saraswathi, T.S., Mistry, J., & Dutta, R. (2011). Reconceptualizing lifespan

development through a Hindu perspective. In Jenson, L.A. (Ed.) Bridging cultural

and developmental approaches to psychology: New synthesis in theory, research,

and policy (276-302). New York: Oxford University Press.

223

Seiter, L.N., & Nelson, L. (2011). An examination of emerging adulthood in college

students and nonstudents in India. Journal of Adolescent Research, 26 (4), 506-

536, doi 10.1177/0743558410391262.

Sen, I. (2001). Devoted wife/sensuous bibi: colonial constructions of the Indian

woman, 1860-1900. Indian Journal of Gender Studies, 8 (1), 1-22.

doi:10.1177/097152150100800101.

Shand, J. (2011). Love as if. Essays in Philosophy, 12 (1), 2-17. Retrieved from

http://commons.pacificu.edu/eip/vol12/iss1/2

Siegel, L. (1978). Sacred and profane dimensions of love in Indian Traditions as

exemplified in the Gita Govinda of Jayadeva. London: Oxford University Press.

Simon, V. A., Bouchey, H. A., & Furman, W. (1999). The social construction of

adolescents’ representations of romantic relationships. In S. Larose & G. M.

Tarablusy (Eds.), Attachment and development: Volume 2, Adolescence. Quebec:

Les Presses de l’Universite du Quebec, Canada.

Simpson, J.A., Campbell, B. & Berscheid, E. (1986). The association between

romantic love and marriage: Kephart (1967) Twice Revisited. Personality and

Social Psychology Bulletin,12, 363. doi: 10.1177/0146167286123011.

Smith, T. H. (2011). Romantic love. Essays in Philosophy, 12 (1). Retrieved from

http://commons.pacificu.edu/eip/vol12/iss1/6.

Sprecher, S., & Morn, M.T. (2002). A study of men and women from different sides

of earth to determine if men are from mars and women are from Venus in their

beliefs about love and romantic relationships. Sex Roles, 46 (5/6).

224

Sprecher, S., Aron, A., Hatfield, E., Cortese, A., Potapova, E., & Levitskaya, A.

(1994). Love : American style , Russian style , and Japanese style. Personal

Relationships, 1, 349-369. Retrieved from http://www.elainehatfield.com/86.pdf

Srinivasan, M. (2006). The story of Nala and Damayanti. Retrieved from

http://www.exoticindiaart.com/product/BF79/

Stanley, S.M., Rhoades, G.K., & Fincham, F.D. (2011). Understanding romantic

relationships among emerging adults: The significant roles of cohabitation and

ambiguity. In F. D. Fincham, & M. Cui (Eds.), Romantic Relationships in

Emerging Adulthood (pp. 234 -251). New York : Cambridge University Press.

Steinberg, L. & Morris, A.S. (2001). Adolescent development. Annual Review of

Psychology, (52) 83-110. Retrieved from http:// www.

arjournals.annualreviews.org.

Steiner, C. (2000, October). The meming of love; Invention of the human heart.

Keynote lecture presented at 3rd Adolescence Health Conference, Royal College

of Physicians, London.

Sujay, R. (2009). Premarital sexual behaviour among unmarried college students of

Gujarat, Indi (Working Paper No. 9). Retrieved from

www.popcouncil.org/pdfs/wp/India_HPIF/009.pdf

Tere, T. (2011, December 6). Vadodara second safest city to live. The Times of India.

Retrieved from http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2011-12-

06/vadodara/30481286_1_cities-robbery-rate-crime-rate

225

Tesch, R. (1990). Qualitative research: Analysis types and software tools. Bredford:

LSL Press Ltd.

Thomas, P. (n.d.). Kama Kalpa or the Hindu ritual of love: A survey of the customs,

festivals, rituals and beliefs concerning marriage, morals, women, the art and

science of love, and sex symbolism in religion in India from remote antiquity to

present day. Bombay: D.B. Taroporevala Sons & Co. ltd.

Uskul, A. K., Hynie, M., & Lalonde, R. N. (2004). Interdependence as a mediator

between culture and interpersonal closeness for Euro-Canadians and Turks.

Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 35 (2), 174-191.

doi:10.1177/0022022103262243

Vaidyanathan, P., & Naidoo, J. (1990). Asian Indians in Western countries: Cultural

identity and the arranged marriage. In N. Bleichrodt & P. Drenth, (Eds.),

Contemporary issues in cross-cultural psychology (pp. 37-49). Amsterdam: Swets

& Zeitlinger.

Valsiner, J. (1997). Culture and the development of children’s actions: A theory of

human development (2nd ed.). Canada: John Wiley & Sons.

Verma, S. & Saraswathi, T.S. (2002). Adolescence in India: Street urchins or silicon

valley millionaires? In B.B. Brown, R.W. Larson, and T.S. Saraswathi (Eds.), The

world’s youth: adolescence in eight regions of the globe, Cambridge: Cambridge

University Press, 105-140.

Waldigner, R.J., Diguer, L., Guastella, F., Lefebure, R., Allen, J.P., Luborsky, L., &

Hauser, S.T. (2002). The same old song? Stability and change in relationship

226

schemas from adolescence through young adulthood. Journal of Youth and

Adolescence,31 (1), 17-29. Retrieved from http://springerlink.metapress.com/

(ml3ittrvsgnlbh55hn42b345)/app/home/search-articles-

results.asp?referrer=searchmainxml&backto=journal,1,1;browsepublicationresults

,1548,2504

Young, B. J., Furman, W., & Laursen, B. (2011). Models of change and continuity in

romantic experiences. In F. D. Fincham, & M. Cui (Eds.), Romantic

Relationships in Emerging Adulthood (pp. 44 -66). New York : Cambridge

University Press.

Zen stories (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.101zenstories.com/index.php?story=5.

AppendicesAppendicesAppendicesAppendices

227

APPENDIX A

ID : ------- Dear Participant, I, Jigisha Gala, am pursuing my Doctorate in the Department of Human Development

and Family studies, Faculty of Family and Community Sciences (Home Science),

M.S. University of Baroda. This Research focuses on understanding the Romantic

relationships of young individuals between the age group of 18-25 years. Please

answer them based on your perception and attitudes towards these relationships. The

information will be used for this specific study related to Emerging Adults and your

identity and information will be kept confidential. Please put your signature on the

form if you consent to be a part of the study. You have the right to withdraw from the

study midway if you feel so and also a right not to answer any question. Thank you in

advance.

Signature of the participant

Name : Email id : Phone / mobile no. : Demographic questionnaire

1. Age : 2. Gender :F / M 3. Income group :Middle/Upper Middle /Upper 4. Education : 5. Occupation : 6. Mother’s education : 7. Mother’s Occupation : 8. Father’s education 9. Father’s Occupation :

228

About romantic partner:

10. Romantic partner’s age : 11. Romantic partner’s sex : 12. Romantic partner’s Income group :Middle/Upper Middle /Upper 13. Romantic partner’s education : 14. Romantic partner’s occupation : 15. Romantic partner’s Mother’s education : 16. Romantic partner’s Mother’s Occupation : 17. Romantic partner’s Father’s education : 18. Romantic partner’s Father’s Occupation :

229

ID : -------

APPENDIX A

ãÍýÒ ÍâÃþÖäÍnÃ,

Úçï, ‘½ä×â ½âÔâ,ÑÚâÓâ’ ÖÒâ‘ÓâÕ ÒçãÌÕãÖôÃäÌä ÎëãÑÔä áënÅ »ímÒçÌäÃä ÖâÒnÖäÖ Îë»lÃäÌâ (ÚíÑ ÖâÒnÖ

Îë»lÃäÌâ) [çÑÌ ÅëÕëÔíÍÑënà áënÅ ÎëãÑÔä sÃÅäÂÑâï Íä.áë¿.Åä. Ìä ÍÊÕä ÑâÃë Öï×íËÌ/áÌçÖïËâÌ/áBÒâÖ »#ï Àçï.

áâ Öï×íËÌ/áÌçÖïËâÌ/áBÒâÖ ÒçÕâáíÌâ (18 Éä 25 ÕØôÌä ùÑÓÌâ) ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËíÌë ÖÑÁÕâ éÍÓ DÒâÌ

»ë*n¨È »Óë Àë. éÍÓíkÈ ÖïÏïËí ãÕØë/ÍÓ^Õë áâÍÌâ ÁëKÒâÔí (ÍÓÖëp×Ì) áÌë áãÐ½Ñ (áëãÃÃzÒçÅ) ÚíÒ Èë

ÍýÑâÇë/áÌçÖâÓ »öÍâ »Óä áâÍ é^âÓí áâÍ×í. ÈÑâÓâ ]âÓâ áâÍâÒëÔä ÑâãÚÈäÌí éÍÒí½ ê½Èâ ÒçÕâÌíÌë Ô½Èâ áâ

Öï×íËÌÑâï Á »ÓÕâÑâï áâÕ×ë áÌë ÈÑâÓä áíÛ¼ áÌë ÑâãÚÈä ½çpÈ Óâ¼ÕâÑâï áâÕ×ë. ’ë áâ áBÒâÖÑâï ÈÑë Ðâ½

ÔëÕâ ÑâÃë ÖÚÑÈ Úí Èí »öÍâ »Óä ÎíÑôÑâï ÈÑâÓâ ÚsÈâÜÓ »Ó×í‘. áBÒâÖÑâïÉä áËÕc¿ë ÈÑâÓë Ìä»Ûä ÁÕçï ÚíÒ »ë

ÈÑâÓë »íå ÍýWÌÌí ÁÕâÏ Ì áâÍÕí ÚíÒ Èí ÈëÑ »ÓÕçï áë ÈÑâÓí áãË»âÓ Àë.

áâÐâÓ.

(Ðâ½ ÔëÌâÓ vÒ*kÈÌä ÖÚä)

ÌâÑð

å-ÑëåÔð

ÎíÌ/ÑíÏâåÔ Ìï.ð

ÅëÑí½ýâÎä» ÍýWÌí/kÕëW¿ÌëÒÓðÅëÑí½ýâÎä» ÍýWÌí/kÕëW¿ÌëÒÓðÅëÑí½ýâÎä» ÍýWÌí/kÕëW¿ÌëÒÓðÅëÑí½ýâÎä» ÍýWÌí/kÕëW¿ÌëÒÓð

1.1.1.1. ùÑÓðùÑÓðùÑÓðùÑÓð

2.2.2.2. ’ãÈ’ãÈ’ãÈ’ãÈ ((((sÝä/Íç#Ø)ðsÝä/Íç#Ø)ðsÝä/Íç#Ø)ðsÝä/Íç#Ø)ð

3.3.3.3. áâÕ»áâÕ»áâÕ»áâÕ» ((((ån»Ñ ½ýçÍð ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ)ðån»Ñ ½ýçÍð ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ)ðån»Ñ ½ýçÍð ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ)ðån»Ñ ½ýçÍð ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ)ð

4.4.4.4. ã×ÜÇðã×ÜÇðã×ÜÇðã×ÜÇð

5.5.5.5. áíkÒçÍë×ÌðáíkÒçÍë×ÌðáíkÒçÍë×ÌðáíkÒçÍë×Ìð

6.6.6.6. ÑâÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÑâÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÑâÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÑâÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇð

7.7.7.7. ÑâÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÑâÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÑâÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÑâÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×Ìð

8.8.8.8. ãÍÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðãÍÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðãÍÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðãÍÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇð

9.9.9.9. ãÍÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðãÍÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðãÍÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðãÍÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×Ìð

230

ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓ ãÕØëÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓ ãÕØëÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓ ãÕØëÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓ ãÕØë

10.10.10.10. ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ùÑÓðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ùÑÓðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ùÑÓðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ùÑÓð

11.11.11.11. ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ’ãÈÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ’ãÈÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ’ãÈÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ’ãÈ ((((sÝä/Íç#Ø)ðsÝä/Íç#Ø)ðsÝä/Íç#Ø)ðsÝä/Íç#Ø)ð

12.12.12.12. áâáâáâáâÕ»Õ»Õ»Õ» ((((ån»Ñ ½ýçÍð ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ)ðån»Ñ ½ýçÍð ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ)ðån»Ñ ½ýçÍð ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ)ðån»Ñ ½ýçÍð ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ ãÑÅÔ / áÍÓ)ð

13.13.13.13. ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌçï ã×ÜÇð

14.14.14.14. ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌçï áíkÒçÍë×Ìð

15.15.15.15. ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÑâÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÑâÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÑâÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÑâÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇð

16.16.16.16. ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÑâÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÑâÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÑâÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÑâÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×Ìð

17.17.17.17. ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌâ ãÍÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌâ ãÍÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌâ ãÍÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌâ ãÍÈâÌçï ã×ÜÇð

18.18.18.18. ÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌâ ãÍÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌâ ãÍÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌâ ãÍÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×ÌðÓíÑënÃä» ÍâÃôÌÓÌâ ãÍÈâÌçï áíkÒçÍë×Ìð

231

APPENDIX B

Open-ended Questionnaire for Emerging Adults

ãÌmÌãÔã¼È ÍýWÌí ê½Èâ ÒçÕâÌíÌâ (åÑÓ‘ï½ á;lÃÖ - 18 Éä 25+ ÕØôÌä vÒ*kÈáíÌâ) “ÓíÑënÃä»”

ÖïÏïËÌë Ô½Èâ ÈÉâ ÈëÑÌâ ‘ÕÌ ÍÓ ÈëÌä áÖÓÌë Ô½Èâ Àë. »öÍÒâ ÈëÌâ é^âÓí “ÓíÑënÃä»” ÖïÏïËÌë Ô½Èâ

ÈÑâÓâ KÒâÔí áÌë áãÐ½Ñ (ÍÓÖëp×Ì áÌë áëãÃÃzÒçÅ ) Ìâ áâËâÓë áâÍí. ÑÚëÓÏâÌä »Óä ÈÑë ÏÌë ÈëÃÔâ

ãÕ½ÈÕâÓ é^âÓí áâÍí.

áâ ÑâãÚÈäÌí éÍÒí½ åÑÓ‘ï½ á;lÃÖ Ìë Ô½Èâ Öï×íËÌ ÑâÃë É×ë.

áâÐâÓ.

‘½ä×â ½âÔâ.

Following are questions related to romantic relationships of emerging adults (people in

the ages between 18 years to 25 plus years) and the impact of these relationships on their

life. Please answer them based on your perception and attitudes towards these

relationships. Please write in as much detail as you can. This information will be used for

specific study related to Emerging Adults. Thank you in advance.

Jigisha Gala.

1 ÈÑâÓâ áÌçÖâÓ “ÓíÑënÃä» ÔÕ (ÍýëÑ)” áëÃÔë ×çï¬

What according to you is romantic love?

2

Áë vÒ*kÈ ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËÑâï ÚíÒ ÈëÌä ÖâÉë kÒâ Íý»âÓÌâ ÕÈôÌ, Ôâ½Çä áÌë ãÕ¿âÓí Öâï»Ûä ×»âÒ¬

What kind of behaviors, feelings and thoughts could be attributed to being in “romantic relationship” with a person?

3 ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí Ïä’ ¾ãÌwÄ ÖïÏïËíÉä »å ÓäÈë áÔ½ Àë¬

How are these relationships different from other close relationships?

4

×çï ÈÑë áëÕçï ãÕ¿âÓí Àí »ë ÕÈôÑâÌ ÖÑÒÑâï ÕËç Ìë ÕËç vÒ*kÈáí ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËíÑâï ’ëÅâÒ Àë¬ ’ë ÈÑâÓí ÁÕâÏ Úâ ÚíÒ Èí, áâ ÍãÓÕÈôÌÌâ »âÓÇí ÁÇâÕí. ’ë ÈÑâÓí ÁÕâÏ Ìâ ÚíÒ Èí, ÖÑÁâÕí.

Do you think that presently, there are more people getting involved in romantic relationships? If yes, what reasons account for this change? If no, please explain.

232

5 ÈÑâÓâ áãÐÍýâÒ ÑçÁÏ ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí ÑâÃë »íå ¿í>Ö ùÑÓ ÚíÒ Àë¬

In your opinion, is there a definite age/phase to have romantic relationships? Why?

6

ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí ËÓâÕÈâ Ôí»í ãÕ×ë ÈÑâÓí ×çï áãÐÍýâÒ Àë¬

What is your opinion about people who are engaged in romantic relationships?

7

ÈÑâÓâ ÑÈë áâÕâ ÖïÏïËíÑâï ÔgÌ »ÓÕâÌä ãÌwÄâ »ëÃÔä ÑÚ^ÕÌä Àë¬ ×â ÑâÃë¬

How important is commitment to marry in these relationships according to you? Why?

8

ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËíÌâ áÌçÖïËâÌÑâï ÈÑâÓâ ÑÈë ”Ì‘» ÚíÕçï” »ë ”áâtÑäÒ” ÚíÕçï áëÃÔë ×çï¬

What does being ‘close to’/ ‘intimate with’, mean to you in the context of romantic relationships?

9

ÈÑë ÑâÌí Àí »ë ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí vÒ*kÈÌä ‘ïʽä ÍÓ ¾Çä ÏËä ÓäÈë áÖÓ »Óë Àë¬ ’ë Úâ, Èí »ëÕä ÓäÈë áÌë ×â ÑâÃë¬ ’ë Ìâ, Èí »öÍÒâ ¼çÔâÖâÕâÓ ÖÑÁ ÍâÅí (Ú»âÓâtÑ», Ì»âÓâtÑ» »ë Öï’ë½í áÌçÖâÓ).

Do you think romantic relationships affects a person’s life in many ways? If yes, how and why? If no, please explain/elaborate. (hint : positive /negative outcomes)

10

ÈÑÌë Ôâ½ë Àë »ë áâ ÖïÏïËÌä áÖÓ sÝä áÌë Íç#ØÌë áÔ½ áÔ½ ÉâÒ Àë¬

Do you feel that the impact of these relationships would be different for men and women?

11

×çï áâÕâ ÖïÏïË ÐâÓÈäÒ ÖïÊÐôÑâï Í*@ÑÉä ãÐnÌ ÍÅë áëÕçï ÈÑÌë Ôâ½ë Àë¬ »öÍÒâ ãÕsÈâÓÉä ÖÑ’Õí.

Do you think, in the Indian context these relationships are different compared to the West? Please elaborate.

12

ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïË ËÓâÕÈâ vÒ*kÈáí (ÒçÕâÌí)Ìë Ô½Èä »å ÏâÏÈ ÈÑÌë i¿Èâ ÑâÃë ÍýëÓë Àë¬

What are your concerns pertaining to individuals (youngsters) involved in romantic relationships?

233

13

×çï åÑÓ‘ï½ á;lÃÖÌë ÑâÈâãÍÈâ áÌë ÖÑâÁÌâ ánÒ vÒ*kÈáí ÈÓÎÉä ÑÊÊ áâÍÕä ’ëåáë ¼Ó䬒ë Úâ, Èí »ëÕä áÌë Èë ÈëÑÌë »ëÕä ÓäÈë ÔâÐÊâÒä Ú×ë¬

Should emerging adults be provided with support from parents and other community members? If so, what kind and how will it help them?

14

kÒâ Íý»âÓÌâ ÖâÑâ‘» ãÌÒÑ áÌë áãÐ½Ñ vÒ*kÈÌë ãÕ’ÈäÒ ÍâÝ ÖâÉëÌâ ÖïÏïËÌë ÈïÊçÓsÈ ÓäÈë ãÕ»ÖäÈ »ÓÕâÑâï ÑÊÊ »Óä ×»ë¬

What kind of social norms and attitudes will help individuals develop healthy relationships with opposite-sex partners?

15a

“’ë ÍâÝ ÑâÓä åcÀâÌçÖâÓ Ïä’ï ÏËâï Á ½çÇí ËÓâÕÈçï ÚíÒ, ÍÇ ’ë Úçï ÈëÌâ ÍýëÑÑâï Ì Úíù Èí ÍÇ Úçï ÈëÌä ÖâÉë ÔgÌ »ÓÕâ ÈìÒâÓ Éå×.” (ÖÚÑÈ / áÖÚÑÈ / áãÌ*@È) ×â ÑâÃë¬

“If a man / woman had all other qualities I desired, I would marry this person even though I was not in love with him/her” (Agree/ disagree/ undecided) why?

15b

“ÔgÌÑâïÉä ÍýëÑ ÖïÍèÇô ÍÇë ÔçpÈ Éå ½Òí ÚíÒ Èí ÑâÓâ ãÕ¿âÓ ÑçÁÏ Èë Òç½Ôë áâÕâ ÔgÌÉä ÀçûâÓí ÑëÛÕä ÌÕçï ‘ÕÌ ×# »ÓÕçï ’ëåáë.” (ÖÚÑÈ / áÖÚÑÈ / áãÌ*@È) ×â ÑâÃë¬

“If love has completely disappeared from a marriage, I think it is probably best for the couple to make a clean break and start new lives.” Agree/disagree/ undecided)why?

16 ×çï ÈÑë ¾Çâï ãÕ’ÈäÒ ãÑÝí ËÓâÕí Àí¬

Do you have many opposite-sex friends?

17

ÈÑâÓâ ÑâÈâ ãÍÈâ Ìí ÈÑâÓä ãÕÁâÈäÒ ãÑÈýÈâ áÌë ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí ÍýtÒëÌí áãÐ½Ñ »ëÕçï Àë¬ ÈÑÌë ÈëÌâ ãÕ×Ò ×çï Ôâ½ë Àë¬ What is your parents’ attitude towards opposite-sex friendships and romantic relationships? What do you feel about it?

18

×çï ÈÑë »íå vÒ*kÈ ÍýtÒë áâ»üØÈ ÉÕâÌí áÌë Èë vÒ*kÈ ]âÓâ Ú»âÓâtÑ» ÍýãÈÐâÕ Ì ÑëÛÕÕâÌí áÌçÐÕ ËÓâÕí Àí¬ ’ë Úâ, Èí ÈÑë áâÕä ÍãÓ*sÉãÈ »ëÕä ÓäÈë ÍâÓ ÍâÅä ÚÈä¬

Have you had experiences of getting attracted to someone and that someone does not respond positively to you? If yes, how have you handled such situations?

234

19

×çï ÈÑë ÚâÔÑâï ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËÑâï ’ëÅâÒëÔâï Àí¬ ’ë Ìâ, Èí ×çï ÈÑë áëÕçï åcÀí Àí »ë ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËÑâï ’ëÅâÒëÔâï ÚíȬ ×â ÑâÃë¬

Are you presently involved in a romantic relationship? If no, do you wish that you had a romantic relationship? Why?

20

ÈÑë áëÓënÁÅ ÔgÌ »Ó×í »ë ÔÕ-ÑëÓëÁ »Ó×í¬

Would you go for arranged marriage or marriage by self selection (love marriage)?

235

APPENDIX C

Phase 1 Open-ended Questionnaire for Middle Adults

ãÌmÌãÔã¼È ÍýWÌí ê½Èâ ÒçÕâÌíÌâ (åÑÓ‘ï½ á;lÃÖ - 18 Éä 25+ ÕØôÌä vÒ*kÈáíÌâ) “ÓíÑënÃä»”

ÖïÏïËÌë Ô½Èâ ÈÉâ ÈëÑÌâ ‘ÕÌ ÍÓ ÈëÌä áÖÓÌë Ô½Èâ Àë. »öÍÒâ ÈëÌâ é^âÓí “ÓíÑënÃä»” ÖïÏïËÌë Ô½Èâ

ÈÑâÓâ KÒâÔí áÌë áãÐ½Ñ (ÍÓÖëp×Ì áÌë áëãÃÃzÒçÅ ) Ìâ áâËâÓë áâÍí. ÑÚëÓÏâÌä »Óä ÈÑë ÏÌë ÈëÃÔâ

ãÕ½ÈÕâÓ é^âÓí áâÍí.

áâ ÑâãÚÈäÌí éÍÒí½ åÑÓ‘ï½ á;lÃÖ Ìë Ô½Èâ Öï×íËÌ ÑâÃë É×ë.

áâÐâÓ.

‘½ä×â ½âÔâ.

Following are questions related to romantic relationships of emerging adults (people in

the ages between 18 years to 25 plus years) and the impact of these relationships on their

life. Please answer them based on your perception and attitudes towards these

relationships. Please write in as much detail as you can. This information will be used for

specific study related to Emerging Adults. Thank you in advance.

Jigisha Gala.

1 ÈÑâÓâ áÌçÖâÓ “ÓíÑënÃä» ÔÕ (ÍýëÑ)” áëÃÔë ×çï¬

What according to you is romantic love?

2

Áë vÒ*kÈ ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËÑâï ÚíÒ ÈëÌä ÖâÉë kÒâ Íý»âÓÌâ ÕÈôÌ, Ôâ½Çä áÌë ãÕ¿âÓí Öâï»Ûä ×»âÒ¬

What kind of behaviors, feelings and thoughts could be attributed to being in “romantic relationship” with a person?

3 ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí Ïä’ ¾ãÌwÄ ÖïÏïËíÉä »å ÓäÈë áÔ½ Àë¬

How are these relationships different from other close relationships?

4

×çï ÈÑë áëÕçï ãÕ¿âÓí Àí »ë ÕÈôÑâÌ ÖÑÒÑâï ÕËç Ìë ÕËç vÒ*kÈáí ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËíÑâï

’ëÅâÒ Àë¬ ’ë ÈÑâÓí ÁÕâÏ Úâ ÚíÒ Èí, áâ ÍãÓÕÈôÌÌâ »âÓÇí ÁÇâÕí. ’ë ÈÑâÓí

ÁÕâÏ Ìâ ÚíÒ Èí, ÖÑÁâÕí.

Do you think that presently, there are more people getting involved in romantic relationships? If yes, what reasons account for this change? If no, please explain.

236

5

ÈÑâÓâ áãÐÍýâÒ ÑçÁÏ ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí ÑâÃë »íå ¿í>Ö ùÑÓ ÚíÒ Àë¬

In your opinion, is there a definite age/phase to have romantic

relationships? Why?

6

ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí ËÓâÕÈâ Ôí»í ãÕ×ë ÈÑâÓí ×çï áãÐÍýâÒ Àë¬

What is your opinion about people who are engaged in romantic relationships?

7

ÈÑâÓâ ÑÈë áâÕâ ÖïÏïËíÑâï ÔgÌ »ÓÕâÌä ãÌwÄâ »ëÃÔä ÑÚ^ÕÌä Àë¬ ×â ÑâÃë¬

How important is commitment to marry in these relationships according to you? Why?

8

ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËíÌâ áÌçÖïËâÌÑâï ÈÑâÓâ ÑÈë ”Ì‘» ÚíÕçï” »ë ”áâtÑäÒ” ÚíÕçï áëÃÔë ×çï¬

What does being ‘close to’/ ‘intimate with’, mean to you in the context of romantic relationships?

9

ÈÑë ÑâÌí Àí »ë ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí vÒ*kÈÌä ‘ïʽä ÍÓ ¾Çä ÏËä ÓäÈë áÖÓ »Óë Àë¬ ’ë Úâ, Èí »ëÕä ÓäÈë áÌë ×â ÑâÃë¬ ’ë Ìâ, Èí »öÍÒâ ¼çÔâÖâÕâÓ ÖÑÁ ÍâÅí (Ú»âÓâtÑ», Ì»âÓâtÑ» »ë Öï’ë½í áÌçÖâÓ).

Do you think romantic relationships affects a person’s life in many ways?

If yes, how and why? If no, please explain/elaborate. (hint : positive

/negative outcomes)

10

ÈÑÌë Ôâ½ë Àë »ë áâ ÖïÏïËÌä áÖÓ sÝä áÌë Íç#ØÌë áÔ½ áÔ½ ÉâÒ Àë¬

Do you feel that the impact of these relationships would be different for men and women?

11

×çï áâÕâ ÖïÏïË ÐâÓÈäÒ ÖïÊÐôÑâï Í*@ÑÉä ãÐnÌ ÍÅë áëÕçï ÈÑÌë Ôâ½ë Àë¬ »öÍÒâ

ãÕsÈâÓÉä ÖÑ’Õí.

Do you think, in the Indian context these relationships are different compared to the West? Please elaborate.

12

ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïË ËÓâÕÈâ vÒ*kÈáí (ÒçÕâÌí)Ìë Ô½Èä »å ÏâÏÈ ÈÑÌë i¿Èâ ÑâÃë ÍýëÓë Àë¬

What are your concerns pertaining to individuals (youngsters) involved in romantic relationships?

237

13

×çï åÑÓ‘ï½ á;lÃÖÌë ÑâÈâãÍÈâ áÌë ÖÑâÁÌâ ánÒ vÒ*kÈáí ÈÓÎÉä ÑÊÊ áâÍÕä ’ëåáë ¼Óä¬ ’ë Úâ, Èí »ëÕä áÌë Èë ÈëÑÌë »ëÕä ÓäÈë ÔâÐÊâÒä Ú×ë¬

Should emerging adults be provided with support from parents and other community members? If so, what kind and how will it help them?

14

kÒâ Íý»âÓÌâ ÖâÑâ‘» ãÌÒÑo áÌë áãнÑo vÒ*kÈÌë ãÕ’ÈäÒ ÍâÝ ÖâÉëÌâ ÖïÏïËÌë ÈïÊçÓsÈ ÓäÈë ãÕ»ÖäÈ »ÓÕâÑâï ÑÊÊ »Óä ×»ë¬

What kind of social norms and attitudes will help individuals develop healthy relationships with opposite-sex partners?

15 a

“’ë ÍâÝ ÑâÓä åcÀâÌçÖâÓ Ïä’ï ÏËâï Á ½çÇí ËÓâÕÈçï ÚíÒ, ÍÇ ’ë Úçï ÈëÌâ ÍýëÑÑâï Ì Úíù Èí ÍÇ Úçï ÈëÌä ÖâÉë ÔgÌ »ÓÕâ ÈìÒâÓ Éå×.” (ÖÚÑÈ / áÖÚÑÈ / áãÌ*@È) ×â ÑâÃë¬

“If a man / woman had all other qualities I desired, I would marry this person even though I was not in love with him/her” (Agree/ disagree/ undecided) why?

15 b

”ÔgÌÑâïÉä ÍýëÑ ÖïÍèÇô ÍÇë ÔçpÈ Éå ½Òí ÚíÒ Èí ÑâÓâ ãÕ¿âÓ ÑçÁÏ Èë Òç½Ôë áâÕâ ÔgÌÉä ÀçûâÓí ÑëÛÕä ÌÕçï ‘ÕÌ ×# »ÓÕçï ’ëåáë.” (ÖÚÑÈ / áÖÚÑÈ / áãÌ*@È) ×â ÑâÃë¬

“If love has completely disappeared from a marriage, I think it is probably best for the couple to make a clean break and start new lives.” (Agree/disagree/ undecided)why?

16

á½Ó ÈÑâÓí ÍçÝ »Úë »ë Èë ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïË ËÓâÕë Àë, Èí ÈÑâÓí ÍýãÈÐâÕ ×çï Ú×ë¬ ÈÑÌë ×çï Ôâ½×ë¬ ÈÑë ×çï »Ó×í¬ ×â ÑâÃë¬

If your son told you that he is into a romantic relationship, what would be your reaction? How would you feel? What would you do? Why?

17

á½Ó ÈÑâÓä ÍçÝä »Úë »ë Èë ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïË ËÓâÕë Àë, Èí ÈÑâÓí ÍýãÈÐâÕ ×çï Ú×ë¬ ÈÑÌë ×çï Ôâ½×ë¬ ÈÑë ×çï »Ó×í¬ ×â ÑâÃë¬

If your daughter told you that she is into a romantic relationship, what would be your reaction? How would you feel? What would you do? Why?

18 ×çï ÈÑë ¾Çâï ãÕ’ÈäÒ ãÑÝí ËÓâÕÈâ ÚÈâï¬

Did you have many opposite-sex friends?

19.

×çï ÈÑë ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËÑâï ÚíÕâÌí áÌçÐÕ ËÓâÕí Àë (ÔgÌ ÍÚëÔâï)¬

Have you experienced being in a romantic relationship (before your marriage)?

238

20. ÈÑâ#ï ÔgÌ áëÓënÁÅ ÚÈçï »ë ÔÕ-ÑëÓëÁ ÚÈçï¬

Was your marriage arranged or was it by self-selection (love marriage)?

239

APPENDIX D

In-depth Interview Guideline for Emerging Adults in Romantic

Relationships

1 ÈÑâÓâ áÌçÖâÓ “ÓíÑënÃä» ÔÕ (ÍýëÑ)” áëÃÔë ×çï¬

What according to you is romantic love?

2 Áë vÒ*kÈ ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËÑâï ÚíÒ ÈëÌä ÖâÉë kÒâ Íý»âÓÌâ ÕÈôÌ, Ôâ½Çä áÌë ãÕ¿âÓí Öâï»Ûä ×»âÒ¬

What kind of behaviors, feelings and thoughts could be attributed to being in a “romantic relationship” with a person? (probe: e.g. of caring behaviors … )

3 ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí Ïä’ ¾ãÌwÄ ÖïÏïËíÉä »å ÓäÈë áÔ½ Àë¬

How are these relationships different from other close relationships?

4 ÈÑë ÈÑâÓâ ÍâÃôÌÓÌë kÒâï áÌë »ëÕä ÓäÈë ÑLÒâ¬

Where and how did you meet your partner?

5

ÍÚëÔä ÕâÓ jÒâÓë ÈÑÌë ÔâgÒï »ë ÈÑë áâ»ãØôÈ ÉÒâ Àí áÉÕâ ÈÑÌë ÍýëÑ ÉÒí Àë, tÒâÓë Èë áÌçÐÕ ÈÑÌë »ëÕí ÔâgÒí¬

How did you first feel and what did you say? (probe: please describe the situation/ event if you can … )

6 ÍÚëÔâï ÈÑÌë ×çï Ôâ½Çä Éå¬ ÈÑë ×çï »[uï¬

How was the experience of the first time you felt that you were attracted or in love?

7 »íÇë ÍÚëÔ »Óä¬

Who initiated the relationship first?

8 ÈÑë »ëÃÔâ ÖÑÒÉä ÚâÔÌâ ÖïÏïËÑâï Àí¬

How long have you been in your present relationship?

9 ÈÑë ×â ÑâÃë ÈÑâÓâ ÍâÃôÌÓÌä ÍÖïÊ½ä »Óä¬

What made you choose him or her as your partner?

10 ×çï áâ ÈÑâÓí ÍýÉÑ ÍýëÑ ÖïÏïË Àë¬

Is this your first involvement?

240

11 ×çï ÔgÌ ÍÚëÔâï áë» Éä ÕËç ÍýëÑ ÖïÏïËí ÒígÒ Àë¬

Is it ok to have more than one relationship before marriage?

12

×çï ÈÑë »íå vÒ*kÈ ÍýtÒë áâ»üØÈ ÉÕâÌí áÌë Èë vÒ*kÈ ]âÓâ Ú»âÓâtÑ» ÍýãÈÐâÕ Ì ÑëÛÕÕâÌí áÌçÐÕ ËÓâÕí Àí¬ ’ë Úâ, Èí ÈÑë áâÕä ÍãÓ*sÉãÈ »ëÕä ÓäÈë ÍâÓ ÍâÅä ÚÈä¬

Have you had experiences of getting attracted to someone and that someone does not

respond to you? If yes, how have you handled such situations?

13 ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËíÌâ áÌçÖïËâÌÑâï ÈÑâÓâ ÑÈë ”Ì‘» ÚíÕçï” »ë ”áâtÑäÒ” ÚíÕçï áëÃÔë ×çï¬

What does being close to/ intimate with, mean to you in this context?

14

ÈÑë ÑâÌí Àí »ë ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïËí vÒ*kÈÌä ‘ïʽä ÍÓ ¾Çä ÏËä ÓäÈë áÖÓ »Óë Àë¬ ’ë Úâ, Èí »ëÕä ÓäÈë áÌë ×â ÑâÃë¬ ’ë Ìâ, Èí »öÍÒâ ¼çÔâÖâÕâÓ ÖÑÁ ÍâÅí (Ú»âÓâtÑ», Ì»âÓâtÑ» »ë Öï’ë½í áÌçÖâÓ).

Do you think involvement in this particular relationship has affected your life? If yes,

how and why? If no, please explain/elaborate.

15 ×çï ÈÑÌë Ôâ½ë Àë »ë ÈÑÌë ÈÑâÓâ ÍâÃôÌÓ ÖâÉë ÔgÌ »ÓÕâÌçï ½Ñ×ë¬

Do you think you would like to marry him/her?

16 ÈÑë ÈÑâÓâ ÍâÃôÌÓ ÍâÖëÉä ×ä áÍëÜâ Óâ¼í Àí¬ áâ áÍëÜâáíÑâï ÔgÌ ÍÀä ÍãÓÕÈôÌ ÉâÒ ¼#ï¬

What do you expect from your partner? Do you think this will change after marriage?

17a

”’ë ÍâÝ ÑâÓä åcÀâÌçÖâÓ Ïä’ï ÏËâï Á ½çÇí ËÓâÕÈçï ÚíÒ, ÍÇ ’ë Úçï ÈëÌâ ÍýëÑÑâï Ì Úíù Èí ÍÇ Úçï ÈëÌä ÖâÉë ÔgÌ »ÓÕâ ÈìÒâÓ Éå×.” (ÖÚÑÈ / áÖÚÑÈ / áãÌ*@È) ×â ÑâÃë¬

“If a man / woman had all other qualities I desired, I would marry this person even

though I was not in love with him/her” (Agree/ disagree/ undecided) why?

17b

”ÔgÌÑâïÉä ÍýëÑ ÖïÍèÇô ÍÇë ÔçpÈ Éå ½Òí ÚíÒ Èí ÑâÓâ ãÕ¿âÓ ÑçÁÏ Èë Òç½Ôë áâÕâ ÔgÌÉä ÀçûâÓí ÑëÛÕä ÌÕçï ‘ÕÌ ×# »ÓÕçï ’ëåáë.” (ÖÚÑÈ / áÖÚÑÈ / áãÌ*@È) ×â ÑâÃë¬

“If love has completely disappeared from a marriage, I think it is probably best for the couple to makea clean break and start new lives.” (Agree/disagree/ undecided)why?

18 ÈÑë áâÕâ ÖïÏïËí ÏâïDÒâ ÍÀä ÉÒëÔâï »ëÃÔâï» áÌçÐÕíÉä ÖïÈçwà Àí¬ kÒâ kÒâ¬

What are some of the satisfactions that you experience in your relationship?

19 ÈÑë áâÕâ ÖïÏïËí ÏâïDÒâ ÍÀä ÉÒëÔâï »ëÃÔâï» áÌçÐÕíÉä áÖïÈçwà Àí¬ kÒâ kÒâ¬

What are some of the dissatisfactions that you experience in your relationship?

241

20

×çï ÈÑë ÈÑâÓâ ÖïÏïËÑâï Öï¾Øíô Ìçï áÌçÐÕ »Óí Àí¬ Öï¾Øíô ÑâÃë Ìâ ÑçKÒ ÑçDÊâí »Òâ Àë¬

Do you experience conflicts/disagreements in your relationship? What are the major issues that lead to disagreements?

21

ÈÑë ÈëÕâ Öï¾Øíô Ìë »å ÓäÈë vÒ»È »ÓÈâ Úí Àí¬ Èë ÈÑÌë áÌë ÈÑâÓâ ÖïÏïË Ìë »å ÓäÈë áÖÓ »Óë Àë¬

How do you generally express these conflicts? In what way do they impact you and the

relationship?

22

ÈÑë áâÕâ Öï¾ØôÌë ÊèÓ »ÓÕâ ×çï »Óí Àí¬ áâÕâ ÍýWÌí ãÌÕâÓÕâÌä ×#áâÈ »íÇ »Óë Àë¬

What do you do to resolve these conflicts? Who initiates or makes efforts to resolve the

issues first?

23

áâ ÖïÏïË ÏâïDÒâ ÍÀä ÈÑÌë áÌë ÈÑâÓâ ‘ÕÌ Ñâï »å ÓäÈë ÍãÓÕÈôÌ ÉÒëÔ Àë¬

What are the ways in which you/your life have changed after entering into this

relationship?

a.

áâ ÖïÏËÌä ÈÑâÓâ ‘ÕÌ ÍÓ Ú»âÓâtÑ» áÖÓ Éå Àë¬ (ÖïÈíØ áÌë áâÌïÊÌä áÌçÐèãÈÌâ ÖïÊÐôÑâï)

Has being in this relationship influenced you/your life positively? (probe: in terms of

satisfaction, happy emotions … )

b. áâ ÖïÏËÌä ÈÑâÓâ ‘ÕÌ ÍÓ »íå ãÕÍÓäÈ áÖÓ Éå Àë¬ (»âÒôÓäÈ »ë ÕËâÓâÌä ÚÈâ×â ÍèÇô ÓäÈë)

Has being in this relationship influenced you/your life in any undesirable way? (probe: : in terms of increased anxiety, work quality ... )

24

ÈÑâÓâ átÒâÓÌâ ÖïÏïËÌâ ãÕcÀëÊÌä kÒâÓë ÍÇ ãÕ¿âÓÇâ »Óä Àë¬ ×â »âÓÇÉä ÈëÌí áÑÔ »Òíô ÌÉä¬

Have you ever considered breaking up from your current relationship? If yes, for what reasons and what prevents you from doing so?

25

ÈÑë kÒâÓë ÍÇ ÖïÏïË-ãÕcÀëÊÌí áÌçÐÕ »Òíô Àë¬ ’ë Úâ, Èí ÈëÌâ ×â ÍãÓÇâÑ ÚÈâ áÌë ÈÑë Èë ÍãÓ*sÉãÈÌâ ãÕØë ×çï »Òçôï¬

Have you experienced break-up of your relationship? If, yes, what were the consequences and how have you handled it?

26 ×çï ÈÑâÓâ ãÑÝíÌë, ÖÚ»âÒô»ÈâôáíÌë, ã×Ü»íÌë ÈÑâÓâ ÖïÏïËÌä ’Ç Àë¬ ÈëÑÌí áãÐ½Ñ ×çï Àë¬

Do all your friends/colleagues/teachers know about your relationship? What is their attitude towards it?

27 ÈÑÌë ÖÑâÁÌâ ÔgÌ-ÍèÕôëÌâ ÓíÑënÃä» ÖïÏïË ÍýtÒëÌí áãÐ½Ñ »ëÕí Ôâ½ë Àë¬

What do you feel about the attitude of the society towards romantic relationships before marriage?

242

28 ×çï ÈÑâÓâ ÑâÈâ ãÍÈâÌë ÈÑâÓâ ÖïÏïËÌä ’Ç Àë¬ ÈëÑÌí áãÐ½Ñ ×çï Àë¬

Are your parents aware of your relationship? What is their attitude towards it?

29 ×çï ÈÑë Íç#Ø/sÝä Ìë ÏÊÔë sÝä/Íç#Ø ÚíÈ Èí ÈÑâÓâ ÑâÈâ ãÍÈâÌâ áãнÑÑâï ÎÓ» ÚíÈ ¼Óí¬

Do you think if you were a boy/girl instead of a girl/boy, their attitude would have been different?

243

APPENDIX E

ÓëÃI½ s»ëlÖÓëÃI½ s»ëlÖÓëÃI½ s»ëlÖÓëÃI½ s»ëlÖ (Rating Scales)

»öÍÒâ ÈÑâÓâ ÕÈôÑâÌ ÖïÏïËÌâ ÖïÊÐôÑâï ãÌmÌãÔã¼È ÕâkÒí ÖâÉë»öÍÒâ ÈÑâÓâ ÕÈôÑâÌ ÖïÏïËÌâ ÖïÊÐôÑâï ãÌmÌãÔã¼È ÕâkÒí ÖâÉë»öÍÒâ ÈÑâÓâ ÕÈôÑâÌ ÖïÏïËÌâ ÖïÊÐôÑâï ãÌmÌãÔã¼È ÕâkÒí ÖâÉë»öÍÒâ ÈÑâÓâ ÕÈôÑâÌ ÖïÏïËÌâ ÖïÊÐôÑâï ãÌmÌãÔã¼È ÕâkÒí ÖâÉë áâÍ »ëÃÔë áï×ë ÖÚÑÈ »ë áâÍ »ëÃÔë áï×ë ÖÚÑÈ »ë áâÍ »ëÃÔë áï×ë ÖÚÑÈ »ë áâÍ »ëÃÔë áï×ë ÖÚÑÈ »ë áÖÚÑÈ Àí Èë Ìä¿ë Ê×âôvÒâ ÑçÁÏ ÑçlÒâï»Ì »ÓäÌë ÁÇâÕí.áÖÚÑÈ Àí Èë Ìä¿ë Ê×âôvÒâ ÑçÁÏ ÑçlÒâï»Ì »ÓäÌë ÁÇâÕí.áÖÚÑÈ Àí Èë Ìä¿ë Ê×âôvÒâ ÑçÁÏ ÑçlÒâï»Ì »ÓäÌë ÁÇâÕí.áÖÚÑÈ Àí Èë Ìä¿ë Ê×âôvÒâ ÑçÁÏ ÑçlÒâï»Ì »ÓäÌë ÁÇâÕí.

Please rate the following based on the extent to which you agree or disagree with

the sentences with reference to your current relationship

1 = ÖïÍèÇôÍÇë áÖÚÑÈ 1 = Strongly disagree

2 = ÑÚÊáï×ë áÖÚÑÈ 2= Mostly disagree

3 = ÖÚÑÈ ÍÇ ÌÚI áÌë áÖÚÑÈ ÍÇ ÌÚI 3 = Neither agree nor disagree

4 = ÑÚÊáï×ë ÖÚÑÈ 4 = Mostlyagree

5 = ÖïÍèÇôÍÇë ÖÚÑÈ 5 = Strongly agree

1 Úçï ÑâÓâ ÕÈôÑâÌ ÖïÏïËÉä ÖïÈçwà Àçï.

I am satisfied with my current relationship. ____

2 áâ vÒ*kÈ ÖïÊÐëô »ëÃÔä» ÏâÏÈí ÏÊÔÕâ åcÀçï Àçï.

There are a few things I would like to change about this person. ____

3 ÑÌë Ôâ½ë Àë »ë Úçï ÑâÓâ ÍâÃôÌÓ ÍÓ ÖïÍèÇô ãÕWÕâÖ Ñè»ä ×»çï Àçï.

I feel that I can trust my partner completely. ____

4 Úçï ÐãÕwÒÑâï Ïä’ ÖïÏïËí ÏâïËçï áëÕä ×kÒÈâáí ÕËâÓë Àë.

I am more likely to pursue another relationship in future. ____

5 ÑÌë áâ vÒ*kÈ áâ»Øô» Ôâ½ë Àë.

I find this person attractive. ____

6 ÑÌë Ôâ½ë Àë »ë Úçï ÖïÏïËÑâï ’ëÅâÒëÔ Ì ÚÈí/ÚÈä tÒâÓë ÚëpÍä ÚÈí/ÚÈä.

I feel I was happier when I was single. ____

7 »ëÃÔä» ÏâÏÈë ÑâÓâ ÍâÃôÌÓ ÍÓ ãÕWÕâÖ Ñè»ä ×»âÒ ÌÚI.

There are times when my partner cannot be trusted. ____

8 »íå ÍÇ ãڿ㻿âÃ Õ½Ó ÑâÓä áï½È ÏâÏÈíÌä ¿¿âô áâ vÒ*kÈ ÖâÉë »Óä ×»çï Àçï.

I can discuss all my personal matters with this person without hesitation. ____

244

9 ÐãÕwÒÑâï ½Ñë ÈëÕä ÑçS»ëÔäáí áâÕë Èí ÍÇ áÑë áë»Ïä’Ìä ÖâÉë ÓÚä×çï.

We would be with each other no matter what difficulties may come. ____

10 ÑÌë ÈëÌâ sÍ×ôÉä áâÌïÊ ÉâÒ Àë.

I enjoy the touch of this person. ____

11 ÑâÓë áÑâÓâ ÖïÏïË ÏâÏÈë »íå ÍãÓÕÈôÌ (ÈÏÊäÔä) »ÓÕçï ÌÉä.

I would like to change nothing about our relationship. ____

12 Úçï Èë vÒ*kÈ ÁëÑ Àë ÈëÑ ÈëÌë sÕä»â#ï Àçï.

I accept the person as he/she is. ____

13 Úçï áâ ÖïÏïËÑâï ÍýÕëSÒâ ÏâÊ ÍÚëÔâï »ÓÈâï ÕËâÓë ÚëpÍä Àçï.

I am much happier after I entered this relationship. ____

14 Úçï áâ vÒ*kÈ ÖâÉë ÐãÕwÒÑâï ÔgÌ »Óçï áëÕä ×kÒÈâáí ÕËâÓë Àë.

I am more likely to get married to this person in future. ____

15 ÖïÏïËÑâï ’ëÅâÒëÔ Ì ÚÈí/ÚÈä tÒâÓë Úçï áíÀí/áíÀä i¿ãÈÈ áÌë ÈÇâÕ½ýsÈ ÚÈí/ÚÈä.

I was less worried and stressed when I was single. ____

16 áÑë ÖâÉë ãÕÈâÕëÔâ ÖÑÒÑâï ÑíÃâ Ðâ½ë áâÌïÊ áÌçÐÕäáë Àäáë.

We mostly enjoy the time we spend together. ____

17 jÒâÓë Úçï ÑâÓâ ÍâÃôÌÓ ÖâÉë Úíù Àçï tÒâÓë ÑâÓä ÏËä i¿Èâáí ÐèÔä ’ù Àçï.

I feel I loose all my worries when I am with my partner. ____

18 ÑÌë Ôâ½ë Àë »ë áâ vÒ*kÈ ÖâÉëÌí ÑâÓí ÖïÏïË áë ÖâÓí ãÌÇôÒ Àë.

I think that my relationship with this person is a good decision. ____

19 jÒâÓë Úçï ÑâÓâ ÍâÃôÌÓ ÖâÉë Úíù Àçï tÒâÓë ÐâÓÑçkÈ áÌë ÓÑãÈÒâÛ ÏÌä ’ù Àçï.

I feel very light and playful with my partner. ____

20 áâ vÒ*kÈ ÑÌë ÖÑÂä ×»ë Àë.

This person understands me. ____

21 Úçï áâ vÒ*kÈÌë ÖÑÂä ×»çï Àçï.

I can understand this person. ____

22 Úçï ÁëÑ Àçï ÈëÑ Èë ÑÌë sÕä»âÓë Àë.

This person accepts me the way I am. ____

245

APPENDIX F

Concept Map: Romantic Relationships in an Indian Context