Helping Children Heal from Divorce

Running head: HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 1

Helping Children Heal from Divorce

Justin Steckbauer

Liberty University

HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 2

Abstract

An article describing the effects of divorce on children and how

healing can come about. The outcomes of divorce on children are

explored. Possibilities for healing and examples from the Bible

are described as ways children can come to healing after a

divorce. Parents are offered various ways they can lead children

along the path of healing after a divorce situation. Several key

areas of healing are discussed including: healing internally,

healing inter-personally, healing biblically, and healing

holistically. God is described as the firm foundation that can

transcend the shattered family structure for children who have

suffered after divorce.


Introduction

Marriage is the foundation from which a family is created.

Children are born, and grow up in the gentle care and training

provided by both mother and father. Marriage is sacred, a decree

of God himself when he said, "Therefore a man shall leave his

father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall

become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24 English Standard Version). Marriage

is binding, and the scriptures say that when two are brought

together they become one. Matthew 19:6 (ESV) says "So they are

no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined

together, let not man separate.” God makes it clear that marriage

ought to be binding until death. Again and again in the

scriptures it's made clear that marriage between a man and a

woman should not be broken except in extreme circumstances (1 Cor

7:10, Luke 16:18, Mat 5:32, Mat 19:6, Rom 7:2). As a result, is

it any wonder that a marriage ending in divorce leads to such

chaos and destructive for all involved? Divorce is very harmful

to the husband and wife. But perhaps those most harmed by a

divorce of husband and wife are the children. Children face many


unique challenges in a divorce situation. Thankfully God

provides ways to heal from divorce.

Outcomes of Divorce on Children

Children of broken families are at much higher risk of

negative outcomes in life than those in stable married homes

(Kim, 2011, p. 487). Negative outcomes can include dropping out

of high school, social problems, decreased cognitive skills, and

poor psychosocial well being (Kim, 2011, p. 487). Although

social stigma regarding divorce has decreased in society, these

outcomes have not changed over the years (Kim, 2011, p. 487). In

the United States in 1860, 1 in 1,000 marriages ended in divorce

(Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 301). In 2013, the divorce ratio

was up to 17 divorces in every 1,000 marriages (Balswick &

Balswick, 2014, p. 301). Divorce rates doubled between the 1950s

and the 1980s (Stewart, 1997, p. 691). Today, about 50% of

marriages end in divorce (Stewart, 1997, p. 691).

The consequences of divorce on children can last a lifetime

(Sammons & Lewis, 2001, p. 1). There is increasing research that

shows the effects of divorce on children can be devastating, yet

society seems to lag behind in providing support for children of


divorced families (Sammons & Lewis, 2001, p. 1). How can society

provide supports for children of divorce? It's an important

question to consider. Despite support from parents, siblings,

friends, church leaders, counselors, and support groups, the

effects of divorce are never-the-less devastating. Is it any

wonder then why the scriptures say God hates divorce? (Malachi

2:16).

Healing from Divorce in Light of the Bible

As previously discussed, the marriage bond is extremely

important. Although in modern society marriage is often not

taken particularly seriously, to God it is a sacred covenant

relationship. Divorce in light of the Bible is a serious and

difficult situation. Suffering is the natural outcome. Yet what

possibilities for healing from divorce are there, in light of the

Bible?

Jeremiah 17:14 (ESV) says "Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be

healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise."

Ultimately the only way for children to heal from divorce is to

reach out to God for healing and comfort. Jeremiah 33:6 (ESV)

says "Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will


heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and

security." The passages from Jeremiah are extremely important.

Consider the situation Israel was facing: Israel had turned from

the Lord, and the king of Israel was listening to false teachers.

Israel was about to face the Babylonian captivity, a terrible

time of discipline and suffering. It is much the same after a

divorce. A family has been splintered due to sin. The parents

could not work it out, and thus suffering results. Yet God still

offers healing, forgiveness, and love despite the poor choices

people make in life. Even out of great tragedy, God can bring

prosperity and security.

Psalm 103:2-4 (ESV) says "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and

forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who

heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who

crowns you with steadfast love and mercy." Psalm 103 illustrates

how God offers forgiveness, healing, redemption, steadfast love,

and mercy to those who come to him. Children must be encouraged

to "bless the Lord." Remind children again and again that though

their foundation has been lost, the family, they must seek out


and find the true foundation which is God almighty. He is the

only unshakeable foundation.

James 5:15 (ESV) says "And the prayer of faith will save the

one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has

committed sins, he will be forgiven." Divorce often brings about

chaos for children, and causes numerous problems in mental health

and functionality. Thankfully prayer is a powerful weapon

against brokenness. The Lord will raise up children who have

suffered the horror of divorce. Sins related to the divorce

should be confessed, and then they will be forgiven (James 5:16).

It must be underlined, that the suffering child does not need

therapy, counseling, or interventions as much as the child needs

the real presence of God the Father. "Self-help" style

counseling is foolishness, and God-less (James 4:7, James 4:10,

Romans 12:2) It leads to a repeating loop of suffering. Instead

the scriptures say that one must submit themselves before the

Lord, and he will lift them up (James 4:10).

Psalm 147:3 (ESV) states: "He heals the brokenhearted and

binds up their wounds." God came to seek and to save those who

were lost (Luke 19:10). Children of divorce have lost a great


deal. Though some do suffer only minimal consequences, many

leave the situation brokenhearted. If these children will

honestly seek after God, he will bind up their wounds.

Helping Children Heal Biblically

Proverb 23:26 (ESV) states "My son, give me your heart, and

let your eyes observe my ways." Children heal when the Great

Physician is at the center of the healing process. If a child is

to survive divorce and thrive in the wake of it, parents must

help the child connect to God. Parents must help children to

give their hearts to God entirely and seek him as the firm

foundation that the family had been prior to the divorce.

Parents must help children to study the Bible, to "observe His

ways" and truly follow them. Otherwise divorce may be a grim

endeavor for children.

Despite cultural views that "what is good for parents is

good for children" the grim reality is that divorce is very

destructive for children (Desai, 2006). Children hold a basic

understanding that parents have a sort of supernatural ability to

help them and protect them (Desai, 2006). When divorce occurs,

that trust is shattered and children will often become resentful


(Desai, 2006). Divorce initiates a basic contradiction of what

children see as right, that their parents belong together (Desai,

2006). The psychologist Judith Wallerstein followed a group of

children from the 1970s to the late 1990s to observe how the

children would grow and develop (Desai, 2006). She interviewed

each of them at 18 months, five years, ten years, fifteen years,

and even twenty five years later (Desai, 2006). Shockingly, she

found that many of them still struggled with basic issues of fear

of conflict, fear of failure, and expectations of failure after

more than twenty five years (Desai, 2006). God's word is

correct, despite all the noise of culture and secular

psychology's attempts to downplay it: divorce is destructive

(Matthew 19:6). Yet there are many ways parents can help

children heal from divorce.

Parents should be in prayer for their children on a daily

basis (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Prayer is powerful (Mark 11:24).

Prayer is meaningful, and God will help children who are being

prayed for regularly (1 John 5:14-15). Parents ought to ask

church leaders and prayer or small groups to pray regularly for

their children (Ephesians 6:18).


Parents should also model effective communication (Minirth,

Meier & Arterburn, 1995, p. 233). This will help children to

share their feelings and avoid bottling up their emotions

regarding the divorce (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Validate

the child's emotions, don't discount them (Minirth et al.,1995,

p. 233). Children need to share their feelings and identify

those feelings after a divorce (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).

Watch the child's behavior. Behavior problems and acting out can

be signs of deeper emotion issues taking place beneath the

surface (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Staying actively

involved in the child's life is very important as well; often

parents who do not have full custody will disengage but that is

not a good idea (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).

Overall, parents who care for their own spiritual needs and

mental health will be best able to care for their children after

divorce (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Parents should pray

regularly for strength, wisdom, and compassion (Minirth et al.,

1995, p. 233). Parents should join a divorce support group if

they are able, and seek healing for themselves (Minirth et al.,

1995, p. 233). Parents should not try to communicate through the


children or play games or attack the other parent's character in

front of children (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Parents who

have divorced should treat each other with dignity and respect,

addressing each other as if in a business relationship (Minirth

et al., 1995, p. 233). When parents are mature about the divorce

situation children more easily adjust in healthy ways.

Helping Children Heal Personally

Proverbs 17:22 (ESV) says "A joyful heart is good medicine,

but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Children are often

left with a crushed spirit after a divorce. They have seen their

foundation removed, and they feel resentful and may often become

disengaged. Drug and alcohol use may come about. Thankfully joy

is good medicine. How can children learn to have joy? Joy is

found in the Lord (John 16:24, Psalm 33:21). Hope leads to joy,

and children certainly need hope after divorce. Since joy,

peace, and healing all come from God, children must learn to

connect to God in real, tangible ways.

Parents must help children to develop spiritual disciplines

to deal with the vacuum in their lives after divorce. There are


many useful and powerful spiritual disciplines parents can teach

to their children.

Searching the scriptures is a very powerful spiritual

discipline (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 141). Children should be

encouraged to carry their Bible everywhere with them, and to page

through it in times of struggle.

Solitude is another important discipline. Help your child

to shut off the computer, television and I-phone, and just sit

quietly with a Bible or in prayer. Relaxing in nature and

reflecting can be very powerful as well (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006,

p. 142). Solitude is a lost discipline, but very useful for

those in need of healing (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 143).

Silence is still another useful discipline to practice.

Silence coupled with solitude has a way of dismantling defenses,

and opening the mind to the presence of God (Clinton & Sibcy,

2006, p. 145).

Simple prayer is another important spiritual discipline.

Teach children to constantly talk to God within their own minds

as they go throughout the day (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 148).

Teach children to get on their knees twice a day to pray to God


(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 148). Parents can model all of these

disciplines to their children and make it a part of growing

together in the new post-divorce family unit. Other disciplines

may be explored as well such as celebration, fasting, confession,

and submission (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 150).

Helping Children Heal Inter-personally

How can parents help their children heal in their

relationships with others and the world around them? Children of

divorce will often struggle in their future relationships and may

be more likely to divorce in their future marriages (Balswick &

Balswick, 2014, p. 208). For parents after the divorce, it's

important that children know the divorce is not their fault

(Petherbridge, 2009).

Helping the child to grow and function well begins with the

parent healing from the divorce (Petherbridge, 2009). Parents

should find a support group where they can discuss the pains and

hurts of the divorce (Petherbridge, 2009). That way the child

does not have to be the comforter of the parent (Petherbridge,

2009). If a child becomes the comforter of the parent, this


represents a role reversal and can be destructive for the child's

mental health.

Parents should continue to discipline consistently

(Petherbridge, 2009). Discipline and firm rules communicate love

and security to the child (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).

Sometimes parents after the divorce may be tempted to over-

indulge their children out of guilt, but avoid this pitfall as it

can communicate confusing signals to children (Minirth et al.,

1995, p. 233). Overall, children may struggle in future

relationships no matter what the divorced parents do. Divorce is

an ugly affair. But parents can help children toward healthy

interpersonal skills by helping children communicate their

feelings, setting down good discipline, and explaining the

situation in clear truthful terms (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).

Children can be helped by participating in strong communities of

believers at places like church youth groups, bible studies,

divorce support groups, and Christian after-school programs

(Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Parents can present a positive

view regarding marriage and friendships, so that children will

not grow up feeling jaded or fearful of interpersonal attachments


(Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Children need to be children,

even after a divorce (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Try not to

involve them in decisions regarding money, food, or other adult

issues outside the child's level of maturity (Minirth et al.,

1995, p. 233). If parents are careful to stabilize the growing

environment for children while providing supports and

opportunities for healthy relationships, divorce related social

problems can be minimized (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233-235).

Helping Children Heal Holistically

Taking a holistic approach to healing after divorce is very

important for the long term recovery of children. Children need

to heal internally, they need to heal interpersonally, and they

need to heal in the power of God.

Divorce is not considered a short term incident, but a life

long struggle with far reaching implications (Balswick &

Balswick, 2014, p. 307-308). During the time after divorce both

parents may struggle with self-esteem issues, sexual acting out,

emotional outbursts, depression, and anxiety/fears (Balswick &

Balswick, 2014, p. 307). This leaves the parents unavailable to

help their children adjust emotionally (Balswick & Balswick,


2014, p. 307). Male children of divorce will often struggle with

acting out behavior and non-compliance (Balswick & Balswick,

2014, p. 308). Female children may act-in through becoming

emotionally closed off (Balwick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). There

is no doubt that divorce is destructive, but many children from

divorced families express relief because the marriage situation

caused so much trauma and abuse (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p.

311).

It's clear that children are affected in diverse ways by the

divorce situation (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Usually

the worst period for children is in the first year after the

divorce (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Of course children

suffer less when the parents are amicable with one another

(Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Female children tend to

recover more quickly from divorce, while male children,

especially those raised by a single mother tend to take longer to

fully heal and recover from divorce (Balswick & Balswick, 2014,

p. 308).

It's important to address multiple issues with children. Of

course children must have their physical needs met: food, water,


and shelter. Children must also have their emotional needs met

through love, relationship, and emotional expression. Still

further, children must have their social needs met through church

fellowship, friendships, and adult mentors. Yet ultimately, the

most important holistic need of the child is his or her

relationship with God. Jesus Christ said, “Let the little

children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs

the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:14).

Parents struggling through a divorce will not be able to

lead their children perfectly in this process, but there are many

resources and angles from which to seek help and support for the

children. Parents would be wise to take a holistic approach to

the healing process and realize children have diverse needs in

the process of rebuilding (Balswick & Balswick, 2014).

Conclusion

In conclusion, Deuteronomy 6:5-8 (NIV) states "Love the Lord

your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all

your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be

on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them

when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you


lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands

and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of

your houses and on your gates." Though these words are from the

Old Testament and refer to the Old Testament laws of Moses, one

could surmise that Jesus Christ calls us to do very much the

same. Jesus said let the little children come to me (Matthew

19:14). Jesus Christ also said, "I am the way, the truth, and

the life..." (John 14:6). And Paul wrote of the Christ saying,

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his

riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). Families

need Jesus. Parents need Jesus. Divorced parents need Jesus.

And children of divorce desperately need Jesus Christ. Jesus

Christ heals the brokenhearted.

If parents help children to place Jesus Christ at the heart

of their healing process, then their children will be healed.

Teach the children to love God with a full heart, despite the

pain of divorce. Teach the children to know and follow the words

of God in his Holy book the Bible. Counseling is important,

support groups are important, wise parenting is important, and

fellowship is important, but the very center piece of recovery


after divorce is Jesus Christ. When parents are armed with that

knowledge, their children will have the privilege of experiencing

true healing after the horror of divorce.

Children need help to articulate their suffering, and

express themselves personally. Children also need help from

parents to develop their interpersonal skills. Children have a

great many needs that must be addressed in a holistic manner.

Yet most importantly, children need God to heal. And so do

parents. In closing, parents and children of divorce alike ought

to remember the words of Jesus Christ in Matthew 11:28: "Come to

me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."


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