Running head: HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 1
Helping Children Heal from Divorce
Justin Steckbauer
Liberty University
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 2
Abstract
An article describing the effects of divorce on children and how
healing can come about. The outcomes of divorce on children are
explored. Possibilities for healing and examples from the Bible
are described as ways children can come to healing after a
divorce. Parents are offered various ways they can lead children
along the path of healing after a divorce situation. Several key
areas of healing are discussed including: healing internally,
healing inter-personally, healing biblically, and healing
holistically. God is described as the firm foundation that can
transcend the shattered family structure for children who have
suffered after divorce.
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 3
Introduction
Marriage is the foundation from which a family is created.
Children are born, and grow up in the gentle care and training
provided by both mother and father. Marriage is sacred, a decree
of God himself when he said, "Therefore a man shall leave his
father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24 English Standard Version). Marriage
is binding, and the scriptures say that when two are brought
together they become one. Matthew 19:6 (ESV) says "So they are
no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined
together, let not man separate.” God makes it clear that marriage
ought to be binding until death. Again and again in the
scriptures it's made clear that marriage between a man and a
woman should not be broken except in extreme circumstances (1 Cor
7:10, Luke 16:18, Mat 5:32, Mat 19:6, Rom 7:2). As a result, is
it any wonder that a marriage ending in divorce leads to such
chaos and destructive for all involved? Divorce is very harmful
to the husband and wife. But perhaps those most harmed by a
divorce of husband and wife are the children. Children face many
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 4
unique challenges in a divorce situation. Thankfully God
provides ways to heal from divorce.
Outcomes of Divorce on Children
Children of broken families are at much higher risk of
negative outcomes in life than those in stable married homes
(Kim, 2011, p. 487). Negative outcomes can include dropping out
of high school, social problems, decreased cognitive skills, and
poor psychosocial well being (Kim, 2011, p. 487). Although
social stigma regarding divorce has decreased in society, these
outcomes have not changed over the years (Kim, 2011, p. 487). In
the United States in 1860, 1 in 1,000 marriages ended in divorce
(Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 301). In 2013, the divorce ratio
was up to 17 divorces in every 1,000 marriages (Balswick &
Balswick, 2014, p. 301). Divorce rates doubled between the 1950s
and the 1980s (Stewart, 1997, p. 691). Today, about 50% of
marriages end in divorce (Stewart, 1997, p. 691).
The consequences of divorce on children can last a lifetime
(Sammons & Lewis, 2001, p. 1). There is increasing research that
shows the effects of divorce on children can be devastating, yet
society seems to lag behind in providing support for children of
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 5
divorced families (Sammons & Lewis, 2001, p. 1). How can society
provide supports for children of divorce? It's an important
question to consider. Despite support from parents, siblings,
friends, church leaders, counselors, and support groups, the
effects of divorce are never-the-less devastating. Is it any
wonder then why the scriptures say God hates divorce? (Malachi
2:16).
Healing from Divorce in Light of the Bible
As previously discussed, the marriage bond is extremely
important. Although in modern society marriage is often not
taken particularly seriously, to God it is a sacred covenant
relationship. Divorce in light of the Bible is a serious and
difficult situation. Suffering is the natural outcome. Yet what
possibilities for healing from divorce are there, in light of the
Bible?
Jeremiah 17:14 (ESV) says "Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be
healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise."
Ultimately the only way for children to heal from divorce is to
reach out to God for healing and comfort. Jeremiah 33:6 (ESV)
says "Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 6
heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and
security." The passages from Jeremiah are extremely important.
Consider the situation Israel was facing: Israel had turned from
the Lord, and the king of Israel was listening to false teachers.
Israel was about to face the Babylonian captivity, a terrible
time of discipline and suffering. It is much the same after a
divorce. A family has been splintered due to sin. The parents
could not work it out, and thus suffering results. Yet God still
offers healing, forgiveness, and love despite the poor choices
people make in life. Even out of great tragedy, God can bring
prosperity and security.
Psalm 103:2-4 (ESV) says "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and
forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who
heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who
crowns you with steadfast love and mercy." Psalm 103 illustrates
how God offers forgiveness, healing, redemption, steadfast love,
and mercy to those who come to him. Children must be encouraged
to "bless the Lord." Remind children again and again that though
their foundation has been lost, the family, they must seek out
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 7
and find the true foundation which is God almighty. He is the
only unshakeable foundation.
James 5:15 (ESV) says "And the prayer of faith will save the
one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has
committed sins, he will be forgiven." Divorce often brings about
chaos for children, and causes numerous problems in mental health
and functionality. Thankfully prayer is a powerful weapon
against brokenness. The Lord will raise up children who have
suffered the horror of divorce. Sins related to the divorce
should be confessed, and then they will be forgiven (James 5:16).
It must be underlined, that the suffering child does not need
therapy, counseling, or interventions as much as the child needs
the real presence of God the Father. "Self-help" style
counseling is foolishness, and God-less (James 4:7, James 4:10,
Romans 12:2) It leads to a repeating loop of suffering. Instead
the scriptures say that one must submit themselves before the
Lord, and he will lift them up (James 4:10).
Psalm 147:3 (ESV) states: "He heals the brokenhearted and
binds up their wounds." God came to seek and to save those who
were lost (Luke 19:10). Children of divorce have lost a great
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 8
deal. Though some do suffer only minimal consequences, many
leave the situation brokenhearted. If these children will
honestly seek after God, he will bind up their wounds.
Helping Children Heal Biblically
Proverb 23:26 (ESV) states "My son, give me your heart, and
let your eyes observe my ways." Children heal when the Great
Physician is at the center of the healing process. If a child is
to survive divorce and thrive in the wake of it, parents must
help the child connect to God. Parents must help children to
give their hearts to God entirely and seek him as the firm
foundation that the family had been prior to the divorce.
Parents must help children to study the Bible, to "observe His
ways" and truly follow them. Otherwise divorce may be a grim
endeavor for children.
Despite cultural views that "what is good for parents is
good for children" the grim reality is that divorce is very
destructive for children (Desai, 2006). Children hold a basic
understanding that parents have a sort of supernatural ability to
help them and protect them (Desai, 2006). When divorce occurs,
that trust is shattered and children will often become resentful
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 9
(Desai, 2006). Divorce initiates a basic contradiction of what
children see as right, that their parents belong together (Desai,
2006). The psychologist Judith Wallerstein followed a group of
children from the 1970s to the late 1990s to observe how the
children would grow and develop (Desai, 2006). She interviewed
each of them at 18 months, five years, ten years, fifteen years,
and even twenty five years later (Desai, 2006). Shockingly, she
found that many of them still struggled with basic issues of fear
of conflict, fear of failure, and expectations of failure after
more than twenty five years (Desai, 2006). God's word is
correct, despite all the noise of culture and secular
psychology's attempts to downplay it: divorce is destructive
(Matthew 19:6). Yet there are many ways parents can help
children heal from divorce.
Parents should be in prayer for their children on a daily
basis (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Prayer is powerful (Mark 11:24).
Prayer is meaningful, and God will help children who are being
prayed for regularly (1 John 5:14-15). Parents ought to ask
church leaders and prayer or small groups to pray regularly for
their children (Ephesians 6:18).
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 10
Parents should also model effective communication (Minirth,
Meier & Arterburn, 1995, p. 233). This will help children to
share their feelings and avoid bottling up their emotions
regarding the divorce (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Validate
the child's emotions, don't discount them (Minirth et al.,1995,
p. 233). Children need to share their feelings and identify
those feelings after a divorce (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).
Watch the child's behavior. Behavior problems and acting out can
be signs of deeper emotion issues taking place beneath the
surface (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Staying actively
involved in the child's life is very important as well; often
parents who do not have full custody will disengage but that is
not a good idea (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).
Overall, parents who care for their own spiritual needs and
mental health will be best able to care for their children after
divorce (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Parents should pray
regularly for strength, wisdom, and compassion (Minirth et al.,
1995, p. 233). Parents should join a divorce support group if
they are able, and seek healing for themselves (Minirth et al.,
1995, p. 233). Parents should not try to communicate through the
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 11
children or play games or attack the other parent's character in
front of children (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Parents who
have divorced should treat each other with dignity and respect,
addressing each other as if in a business relationship (Minirth
et al., 1995, p. 233). When parents are mature about the divorce
situation children more easily adjust in healthy ways.
Helping Children Heal Personally
Proverbs 17:22 (ESV) says "A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Children are often
left with a crushed spirit after a divorce. They have seen their
foundation removed, and they feel resentful and may often become
disengaged. Drug and alcohol use may come about. Thankfully joy
is good medicine. How can children learn to have joy? Joy is
found in the Lord (John 16:24, Psalm 33:21). Hope leads to joy,
and children certainly need hope after divorce. Since joy,
peace, and healing all come from God, children must learn to
connect to God in real, tangible ways.
Parents must help children to develop spiritual disciplines
to deal with the vacuum in their lives after divorce. There are
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 12
many useful and powerful spiritual disciplines parents can teach
to their children.
Searching the scriptures is a very powerful spiritual
discipline (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 141). Children should be
encouraged to carry their Bible everywhere with them, and to page
through it in times of struggle.
Solitude is another important discipline. Help your child
to shut off the computer, television and I-phone, and just sit
quietly with a Bible or in prayer. Relaxing in nature and
reflecting can be very powerful as well (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006,
p. 142). Solitude is a lost discipline, but very useful for
those in need of healing (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 143).
Silence is still another useful discipline to practice.
Silence coupled with solitude has a way of dismantling defenses,
and opening the mind to the presence of God (Clinton & Sibcy,
2006, p. 145).
Simple prayer is another important spiritual discipline.
Teach children to constantly talk to God within their own minds
as they go throughout the day (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 148).
Teach children to get on their knees twice a day to pray to God
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 13
(Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 148). Parents can model all of these
disciplines to their children and make it a part of growing
together in the new post-divorce family unit. Other disciplines
may be explored as well such as celebration, fasting, confession,
and submission (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 150).
Helping Children Heal Inter-personally
How can parents help their children heal in their
relationships with others and the world around them? Children of
divorce will often struggle in their future relationships and may
be more likely to divorce in their future marriages (Balswick &
Balswick, 2014, p. 208). For parents after the divorce, it's
important that children know the divorce is not their fault
(Petherbridge, 2009).
Helping the child to grow and function well begins with the
parent healing from the divorce (Petherbridge, 2009). Parents
should find a support group where they can discuss the pains and
hurts of the divorce (Petherbridge, 2009). That way the child
does not have to be the comforter of the parent (Petherbridge,
2009). If a child becomes the comforter of the parent, this
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 14
represents a role reversal and can be destructive for the child's
mental health.
Parents should continue to discipline consistently
(Petherbridge, 2009). Discipline and firm rules communicate love
and security to the child (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).
Sometimes parents after the divorce may be tempted to over-
indulge their children out of guilt, but avoid this pitfall as it
can communicate confusing signals to children (Minirth et al.,
1995, p. 233). Overall, children may struggle in future
relationships no matter what the divorced parents do. Divorce is
an ugly affair. But parents can help children toward healthy
interpersonal skills by helping children communicate their
feelings, setting down good discipline, and explaining the
situation in clear truthful terms (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233).
Children can be helped by participating in strong communities of
believers at places like church youth groups, bible studies,
divorce support groups, and Christian after-school programs
(Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Parents can present a positive
view regarding marriage and friendships, so that children will
not grow up feeling jaded or fearful of interpersonal attachments
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 15
(Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Children need to be children,
even after a divorce (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233). Try not to
involve them in decisions regarding money, food, or other adult
issues outside the child's level of maturity (Minirth et al.,
1995, p. 233). If parents are careful to stabilize the growing
environment for children while providing supports and
opportunities for healthy relationships, divorce related social
problems can be minimized (Minirth et al., 1995, p. 233-235).
Helping Children Heal Holistically
Taking a holistic approach to healing after divorce is very
important for the long term recovery of children. Children need
to heal internally, they need to heal interpersonally, and they
need to heal in the power of God.
Divorce is not considered a short term incident, but a life
long struggle with far reaching implications (Balswick &
Balswick, 2014, p. 307-308). During the time after divorce both
parents may struggle with self-esteem issues, sexual acting out,
emotional outbursts, depression, and anxiety/fears (Balswick &
Balswick, 2014, p. 307). This leaves the parents unavailable to
help their children adjust emotionally (Balswick & Balswick,
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 16
2014, p. 307). Male children of divorce will often struggle with
acting out behavior and non-compliance (Balswick & Balswick,
2014, p. 308). Female children may act-in through becoming
emotionally closed off (Balwick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). There
is no doubt that divorce is destructive, but many children from
divorced families express relief because the marriage situation
caused so much trauma and abuse (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p.
311).
It's clear that children are affected in diverse ways by the
divorce situation (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Usually
the worst period for children is in the first year after the
divorce (Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Of course children
suffer less when the parents are amicable with one another
(Balswick & Balswick, 2014, p. 308). Female children tend to
recover more quickly from divorce, while male children,
especially those raised by a single mother tend to take longer to
fully heal and recover from divorce (Balswick & Balswick, 2014,
p. 308).
It's important to address multiple issues with children. Of
course children must have their physical needs met: food, water,
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 17
and shelter. Children must also have their emotional needs met
through love, relationship, and emotional expression. Still
further, children must have their social needs met through church
fellowship, friendships, and adult mentors. Yet ultimately, the
most important holistic need of the child is his or her
relationship with God. Jesus Christ said, “Let the little
children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs
the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:14).
Parents struggling through a divorce will not be able to
lead their children perfectly in this process, but there are many
resources and angles from which to seek help and support for the
children. Parents would be wise to take a holistic approach to
the healing process and realize children have diverse needs in
the process of rebuilding (Balswick & Balswick, 2014).
Conclusion
In conclusion, Deuteronomy 6:5-8 (NIV) states "Love the Lord
your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all
your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be
on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them
when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 18
lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands
and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of
your houses and on your gates." Though these words are from the
Old Testament and refer to the Old Testament laws of Moses, one
could surmise that Jesus Christ calls us to do very much the
same. Jesus said let the little children come to me (Matthew
19:14). Jesus Christ also said, "I am the way, the truth, and
the life..." (John 14:6). And Paul wrote of the Christ saying,
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his
riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). Families
need Jesus. Parents need Jesus. Divorced parents need Jesus.
And children of divorce desperately need Jesus Christ. Jesus
Christ heals the brokenhearted.
If parents help children to place Jesus Christ at the heart
of their healing process, then their children will be healed.
Teach the children to love God with a full heart, despite the
pain of divorce. Teach the children to know and follow the words
of God in his Holy book the Bible. Counseling is important,
support groups are important, wise parenting is important, and
fellowship is important, but the very center piece of recovery
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 19
after divorce is Jesus Christ. When parents are armed with that
knowledge, their children will have the privilege of experiencing
true healing after the horror of divorce.
Children need help to articulate their suffering, and
express themselves personally. Children also need help from
parents to develop their interpersonal skills. Children have a
great many needs that must be addressed in a holistic manner.
Yet most importantly, children need God to heal. And so do
parents. In closing, parents and children of divorce alike ought
to remember the words of Jesus Christ in Matthew 11:28: "Come to
me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
HELPING CHILDREN HEAL FROM DIVORCE 20
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