F*** YOU DAN SAVAGE:

A QUEER CRITICISM OF THE IT

GETS BETTER PROJECT

November 2014

Travis Van Horn

Western Oregon University

Abstract

On September 21, 2010, sex advice columnist Dan Savage recorded a video with his partner,

Terry Miller, to discourage queer teens from killing themselves, creating the It Gets Better

Project, where over 50,000 individuals have uploaded their own videos of support. Although

mainstream media has praised the project, many in the queer community decry the campaign.

This study utilizes the model of queer criticism to reveal how Savage’s video uses a hegemonic

Queer American Dream to blame queer teens for killing themselves, urges queers to find

liberation by migrating to metropolitan gayborhoods, and encourages allies to remain passive

with their support. Rather, Savage creates a false reality of hope that exacerbates the

heteronormative patriarchy and magnifies oppression against the queer community.

Keywords: Dan Savage; Heteronormative Patriarchy; Queer Criticism; It Gets Better Project

As the queer1 movement continues to gain momentum, shift public opinion, and obtain

landmark policy victories, we see increasing numbers of individuals “coming out” at a young

age. Additionally, as more youth and young adults feel empowered enough to take the risk of

revealing their true identities publically, it becomes harder to ignore the harsh reality that they

face because of their sexual orientation and gender identity.

GLSEN, an organization in the United States seeking to end discrimination, harassment,

and bullying based on sexual orientation and gender identity in K-12 schools, has been

documenting the lives of students since 1999; however, their latest 2013 National School

Climate Survey reveals that queer students still face staggering oppression while attempting to

obtain a fundamental education. Their findings report that the majority of queer students feel

unsafe at school because of their identity. Almost all hear homophobic and transphobic terms

and feel distressed because of this language, including from teachers and school staff; however,

these experiences are far from just overheard. Three fourths of queer students were verbally

harassed during 2013, and one third were physically harassed (Kosciw et al., 2014, pp. xvi-xvii).

School is far from the only place that queer youth are usually unsafe. The Williams Institute

found that 40% of homeless youth are queer, most commonly due to family rejection and abuse

after their coming out (Durso et al., 2012, p. 3). Unsurprisingly, transgender, gender non-

conforming, and queer people of color face even higher rates of oppression as the least privileged

within the queer community. In fact, the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, the first

“360-degree picture of discrimination against transgender and gender non-confirming people in

the U.S.,” surveyed 6,450 participants about the injustice in their lives. Among the alarming

1 The word “queer” has been reclaimed by the community to describe those who identify outside of the cisgender

binary and as non-heterosexual.

statistics, respondents were four times more likely to have a household income of less than

$10,000 annually and 41% of respondents reported attempting suicide, compared to 1.6% of the

general population (Grant et al., 2011, p. 2). Similar situations of discrimination occur during

higher education as well.

On September 19, 2010, Rutgers University student Dharun Ravi posted the Twitter

message, “Roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into molly’s room and turned on

my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay.” That same night, Ravi used his

computer’s webcam to stream his roommate’s intimate experience with another man. Three days

later, his roommate, Tyler Clementi, killed himself after jumping from the George Washington

Bridge into the Hudson River (Foderaro, 2010). Hundreds of “closeted” and “out” queer

individuals commit suicide, but Clementi’s death caught the attention of major media outlets and

showed many what the queer community already knew: queer youth and young adults face

extreme amounts of injustice and suicide is a common method used to escape that reality.

After Clementi’s death, controversial sex advice columnist and author Dan Savage

created a YouTube video with his partner, Terry Miller, “to inspire hope for young people facing

harassment” (It Gets Better Website). The queer community has criticized Savage for

transphobic comments throughout his articles and during speeches, often portraying him as the

stereotypical privileged white, misogynistic, gay cisgender man. J.R. Ryan (2010) echoes these

claims, saying that “Dan Savage is well known for his biphobia, his transphobia, his fatphobia

and his sexism/misogyny. While he likes to think of himself as a politically-incorrect and edgy

hipster commentator, he’s really just a straight up media fiend.” Following the media attention

on Clementi’s suicide, Savage created the It Gets Better Project, “a personal way for supporters

everywhere to tell LGBT2 youth that, yes, it does indeed get better.” Since its launch, the It Gets

Better Project has had 50,000 individuals upload videos promising queer youth and young adults

that their lives will get better when they become older. To date, these videos have been viewed

more than 50 million times and continue to be promoted as a resource for struggling queers.

Literature Review

The It Gets Better Project’s popularity quickly rose after being placed in the national

spotlight. Savage and his partner co-edited the It Gets Better book, which was released in March

2011 and appeared on the New York Times bestsellers list after just a few weeks, and an It Gets

Better documentary was broadcast on MTV and Logo in February 2012 (Mason, 2012). Puar

(2010) argues that the project “should hardly be dismissed out of hand” and has “opened space

for the expression of public anguish and collective mourning.” Mason (2012) acknowledges the

strengths of the It Gets Better Project in his critique, On Children’s Literature and the

(Im)Possibility of It Gets Better, recognizing that “the wide reach and popularity of the It Gets

Better campaign contributes to increased awareness about homophobia, bullying, and queer

youth suicide, social issues that persist in spite of the ostensible progress being made in the realm

of liberal gay rights in our North American context” (p. 88). Mason credits the project for

visibility of queer identities, citing Michael Warner, who claims that sexual autonomy requires

“access to pleasures and possibilities, since people commonly do not know their desires until

they find them.” Therefore, the It Gets Better Project is able to communicate with individuals

where queerness seems invisible (p. 88)

2 LGBT is an acronym for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender.

Doyle (2010) agrees, claiming that the project reaches a large audience because of the

national figures that have chosen to film and upload their own videos, reaching out to more teens

in crisis:

In many ways, “It Gets Better” operates in the same way that decent counseling

does: It identifies what is happening to these children as wrong, it tells them that

they don’t deserve it and that it’s not their fault, and it gives them permission to

actually perceive themselves as victims of sustained cruelty, rather than special,

faulty, unlovable freaks who bring bad treatment on themselves by virtue of

existing. For people who’ve been abused, these aren’t just compassionate

platitudes, they’re necessary tools for survival.

Doyle says that it seems impossible for any reasonable person to “have a problem” with the It

Gets Better Project. However, the question is whether the tools presented through the project

alone are enough. ItGetsBetter.org is described as a place where queer youth and young adults

“can see how love and happiness can be a reality in their future . . . where our straight allies can

visit and support their friends and family members;” however, this discourse engenders an

optimistic narrative that ignores the reality of queerness: it does not get better, and the only way

to potentially alleviate some suffering is to conform to a passive, heteronormative understanding

of sexuality, gender roles, and the queer identity.

Veldman (2010) argues that if the goal of the It Gets Better Project is to prevent young

queers from killing themselves, then the videos that the campaign encourages people to upload

should focus less on the individual and more on the intended audience: “Telling them that their

lives will get better, as if by magic, merely serves to remove responsibility from the speaker (and

the LGBT community and society as a whole) to do work towards improving the attitudes of the

oppressors and the treatment of the oppressed.” J.R. Ryan (2010) provides a more blunt critique

of Savage’s work, stating, “… he exhorts LGBT youth to wait around until their lives improve,

cuz, well, you know, if you wait around long enough they just get better, and stuff, apparently.”

Rather, Ryan goes on to provide their3 own account as an adult and queer, writing:

That certainly has not been true in my case. Every single day, I face transphobia

in this society. And fatphobia. And classism. Every single day. It is nightmarish.

In many ways, it has gotten worse. In other ways, it has stayed the same. In very,

very few ways, has it gotten better. And I know for lots of other people who deal

with multiple identities and multiple oppressions, it has not gotten better. Telling

vulnerable queer and trans teens that it gets better when it doesn’t is incredibly

cruel and heartless. I wish more people had been real with me about what was

ahead for me in this patriarchal world. I wish more people had deigned to cut

through the bullshit to illuminate the realities of living so different in a society

that demands cookie-cutter conformity to hegemonic norms. It has been hell, and

it has not gotten any better. Many of us will never have access to the unbelievable

privilege that people like Dan Savage can lay claim to with great ease. His telling

us that “it will get better” is like a slap in the face. As a suicide survivor, I resent

it greatly and find it unbelievably offensive. I see it as akin to the grand-daddy of

mythologies: the American Dream. The myth of meritocracy. Just work hard and

you too can get ahead and climb the ladder of success! Just keep on living and

don’t kill yourself and the world around you will magically improve. …The

passive “it gets better” is no help to those of us stuck in a more persistent place of

oppression where stubborn structural patterns often refuse to give, even with our

non-stop pressure and rage. …Most of us aren’t going to be rich and famous like

Dan Savage. Many of us do not have his race, cisgender and able-bodied

privilege. To the extent that things will get better, it is because we fight for them

tooth and nail. In the process, we will change, and our lives will take on greater

meaning. One of my friends put it so well: it’s not that things get better, it’s that

we get stronger. And in our empowerment and strength, we have the audacity to

fight back. There is great joy in resistance and in speaking truth to power.

Clearly, Ryan implores us to recognize the significant privilege that Savage has in the queer

community and challenge a passive perspective on simply making it through high school.

Other critics of the It Gets Better Project often denounce Savage's queer version of the

American Dream, believing that the project creates a “sparkly, magical life” that encourages

queer youth and young adults to become “metro-centric,” actually promoting a false sense of

3 In this case, I use “their” as a singular pronoun. Often, we assume someone’s gender identity and sex because of

their first name; however, doing so perpetuates institutional transphobia. Therefore, I have intentionally chosen to

use a gender-neutral pronoun.

reality for life after high school and encouraging allies to act passively (Goltz, 2013, p. 138).

Tseng (2010) argues that the It Gets Better Project reminds young queers that “high school ends

and the bullying stops; you’ll move to an urban gay enclave, meet the man of your dreams, and

have a wonderful, sparkly, magical life. Maybe even get married, because, you know that’s what

all the other gays are doing.” Tseng understands the project to be good at its core and that young

queers need to hear that there is hope, but sees the same “metro-centric” story being retold

through another medium. They question the ongoing narrative being painted to younger queers

by the gay mainstream: “Get out of high school; flee your bigoted small town and move to an

urban enclave; join the gay community as a card carrying member of the League of Fashionable

Culture Generators; Enlightened Accepting Queers versus Ignorant, Biggoted Straights; Urban

versus Rural; Us versus Them.”

Novack makes the same assertion, blogging that “there is actually no path to change in

this vision . . . Promoting the illustration that things just ‘get better,’ enables privileged folks to

do nothing and just rely on the imaginary mechanics of the American Dream to fix the world.”

Doyle, who notes some of the project’s strengths, is not shy about its disadvantages either, and

makes notes of the hierarchy of privilege that exists within the queer community (Doyle, 2010).

Doyle praises Novack’s recognition that privilege plays a “large and unspoken role” in many of

the uploaded videos for the It Gets Better Project. Queeriously, author with Below the Belt,

describes their experiences of rejection from the queer community in their critique of the project:

The gay community’s problems surrounding race and gender became abundantly

evident to me as queer men of color, especially feminine queer men of color get

pushed to fringes of gay life . . . The gay promise failed me. I went from being

ostracized by my straight classmates in high school to being ostracized by many

white gay men in an urban gay enclave (Doyle, 2010).

Herrera y Lozano (2011) cringed the first time they saw Savage and his partner “go on and on

about attaining the heteronormative dream and strolling through the streets of Paris with a child”

because of the “assumed (or affirmed) suggestion that it getting better is directly proportionate to

the privilege one has access to.”

Similarly, Tavia Nyong’o describes how the project encourages upward mobility of white

gay youth, but does not ultimately seek to end anti-queer violence, particularly against gender

non-conforming and transgender individuals (Mason, 2012, p. 84). Puar (2010) argues that It

Gets Better reinforces the stereotypes that queer youth are “inevitably prone” to suicide and

bullying, and that the project creates heteronormative narratives that echo the ‘pull yourself up

from the bootstraps” motto. Queer activist Charlotte Cooper continues with the same pattern of

criticism by posting on Facebook, “I wish there was some kind of an It Gets Better campaign in

which fucked up queer teenagers give reassurance and advice to windy and pompous bourgie

grow-up homos” (Cooper, 2010).

As it has been demonstrated, there is no lack of praise and criticism for Savage’s It Gets

Better Project. While there are certainly positive aspects of this campaign, there are equally, if

not more, negatives being perpetuated as well. Regardless, one fact remains true: the queer

experience does not get better. Simply graduating from high school, or moving to a metropolitan

location, and uploading a video certainly do not change this reality. They do inspire hope, and

sometimes that may keep some alive during their years struggling as a young queer; however,

their hope is one based on a false premise that encourages viewers to conform to

heteronormative subjugation and the “metro-centric” stereotype.

Methodology

Inspired by the critical method of feminist criticism, I have chosen to analyze several

videos uploaded to the It Gets Better Project, including Dan Savage’s, through a queer lens

rather than a feminist perspective. Utilizing a model of queer criticism, I will analyze how these

videos portray queer youth and young adults and how they define what it means to be an ally to

the queer community. This method calls us to determine the dominant ideology within the

artifact, analyze how the ideology is portrayed, and how the method is communicated to its

intended audience. After analyzing the ideology, we can seek out how, or if, the artifact

challenges heterosexism and cissexism or suggests ways of transforming the cisgender

heteronormative patriarchy.

Alexander Doty defined queer criticism in his book, Making Things Perfectly Queer,

explaining that queer texts are “those discussed with a reference to a range of network of

nonstraight ideas. The queerness in these cases might combine the lesbian, the gay, and the

bisexual, or it might be textual queerness not accurately described even by a combination of

these labels.” There has often been a disregard to transgenderness in texts and throughout the

queer movement, frequently accompanied with confusion surrounding the difference between

sexual orientation and gender identity (Spencer, 2014, p. 113). Though Doty does not include

transgender or gender non-conforming identities in his definition, this queer criticism does.

Slagle (2003) offers another understanding of queer criticism in their article Queer

Criticism and Sexual Normativity: The Case of Pee-Wee Herman, published in the Journal of

Homosexuality in 2003. They describe how queer criticism offers alternative readings to

mainstream texts, arguing that “queerness is pervasive in texts, even those that are not

intentionally queer” and how it “is aimed at uncovering and emphasizing sexuality in general,

and sexual difference in particular, even though the dominant or traditional reading of a

particular text might be different from a queer reading” (p. 132). Although the It Gets Better

project is queer in nature, scholars must critically examine queer rhetoric to better understand

and uncover the, sometimes, unintentional heteronormativity that remains present.

The It Gets Better Project is an important artifact to study for several reasons, especially

from the frame of a queer criticism. From the beginning, the campaign received national

attention and praise, largely due to popular figures uploading their own videos. There has been

very little criticism of the project, and certainly, those that have critically examined or negatively

commented on Savage’s campaign have been drowned out by the insurmountable coverage from

mainstream news and mediums with greater resources to broadcast their message. Specifically,

however, scholars in the communication field, and many others, have not conducted very

extensive research of queer issues, including queer rhetoric. By analyzing communication of, and

about, the queer community we have can have a greater understanding of how all involved can

better alleviate the overwhelming oppression that queers face.

The Savage Response to Queer Suicides

On September 23, 2011, sex columnist Dan Savage, himself an openly gay man,

lamented that he could not talk with Billy Lucas, who committed suicide after being bullied

about his sexuality, about how life gets better. “… it occurred to me, when I was really turning

over the Billy Lucas case in my mind, that I could talk to these kids . . . I could use social media,

I could go on YouTube, I could make a digital video and I could post it, and I could directly

address them and tell them, ‘It gets better,’” said Savage (Montgomery, 2010). On September 21,

2010, Savage uploaded the video he made with his partner, Terry Miller, to YouTube.4

4 Every video analyzed during this study was found on www.itgetsbetter.org.

The video begins with Savage describing his experience in a Catholic high school, saying

that “there were no gay people in my family, and no openly gay people at my school, but I was

picked on because I liked musicals, and I was obviously openly gay.” Miller continues with his

experience “[living] in Spokane, Washington, which is a mid-sized town with a small with a

small town mentality.” They both provide examples of the harassment that they endured during

high school, and Miller credits things getting better the day he left high school because he did not

have to see the students, teachers, and administrators that contributed to his abuse. Savage wants

the queer youth and young adults watching the video to know that “it gets better,” but they “have

to tough this period out . . .” Although neither of their parents supported them after they each

came out, Savage tells viewers that their families love, accept, and include them, providing the

example that his mother told him “to let Terry know that she loved him like a daughter” before

she passed away.

Next, the couple describes how they met in a gay bar, when Savage told Miller that he

“had a pretty mouth,” and Miller responded, “The better to eat you with.” Miller says that the

best thing to happen to them both since meeting was when they adopted their son, DJ, and

Savage narrates the family’s extravagant trip to Paris, describing it as his happiest moment as a

parent and human. After talking about the family’s other snowboarding trips, Miller says that

“those moments make it so worth sticking out the bullying and the pain and the despair of high

school, and if you can just do that, then you have moments like that and so many more ahead of

you.” “The worst time of your life, really, for many gay kids, is high school,” Savage explains, “.

. . and if at that time of your life you choose to end your life, you know, the bullies really won

and you deprive yourself of so much potential happiness.” The video concludes with Savage

wishing he could tell his fourteen-year-old-self that “. . . there really is a place for us and there

really is a place for you, and one day you will have friends who love and support you, you will

find love, you will find a community, and that life gets better, and that the bigots don’t win . . .

once I got out of high school they couldn’t touch me anymore.” Miller concludes: “living well is

the best revenge, and if you can live through high school, which you can . . . you’re going to

have a great life and it’s going to be the envy of all those people that picked on you while you

were in high school and middle school . . .”

It is important to recount Savage’s narrative and analyze his video first because of the

crucial role that it plays in framing the many others that have been submitted. As the first video

that started the It Gets Better Project, Savage’s discourse provides one of the best understandings

for the campaign and the message that it hopes to send to queer youth and young adults

throughout the United States. Unfortunately, we are unable to say that Savage’s video is meant

entirely for the queer community, because he only communicates about his gay experiences to

other gay youth, and that was no mistake. In fact, Savage has a history of ignoring and

marginalizing other queer identities.

For instance, in 1999 Savage offered the advice that “. . . avoiding bi guys is a good rule

of thumb for gay men looking for long-term relationships . . . there aren’t many bi guys who

want or wind up in long-term, same-sex relationships – monogamous or not.” More recently, he

attempts to discredit bisexuality as a valid queer identity, saying in a 2008 documentary, Bi the

Way, that, “I meet someone who’s 19-years-old who tells me he’s bisexual and I’m like, ‘Yeah,

right, I doubt it.’ I tell them come back when you’re like 29 and we’ll see” (O’Guinn, 2011).

Savage has also written columns, such as “Bad Tranny”, that demonize transgender women for

coming out, and has used the term “shemale” to refer to transgender women (Hill-Meyer, 2011).

So while it might seem like Savage’s video is directed towards the entire queer community, we

know, from his past actions and statements in his video, that it was meant to target cisgender gay

and lesbians.

Savage and his partner are also extremely explicit in where they describe queers face

almost all oppression: high school. It seems, then, that public policy and public opinion are

unimportant, insinuating that queers experience liberation from the most harmful forms of

discrimination after they are able to receive their diplomas. While this notion may seem ideal to

a queer youth hoping for a better life after high school, research from queer advocacy

organizations suggest the exact opposite. Instead, the reality is that most queers will continue to

face broad forms of harassment, higher rates of unemployment and underemployment, a harder

time accessing higher education, inadequate healthcare, poor media representations, and

unrecognized marriages, to name a few. This post-high school liberation places blame on those

who are not able to succeed how they were told they could, and ignores the limited resources

available to queers, including those that make up 40% of all homeless youth.

Savage and Miller emphasize that every queer youth can make it through high school if

they just “tough this period out,” a common phrase that paints a picture in many minds of a

father telling his son something similar, such as “rub some dirt in it” or “man up.” By telling

queer youth that they have the ability to graduate high school and live a better life, Savage

delegitimizes the diverse and extremely degrading experiences that queers face. In fact,

GLSEN’s 2013 study also found that one third missed one day of school in the past month

because they felt unsafe, and queer students reported most commonly avoiding school bathrooms

and locker rooms because those spaces were unsafe (Kosciw et al., 2014, p. 13). These findings

show the difficulties that queer teens face during their high school experience; however, by

telling queers that the “bullies really won and you deprived yourself of so much potential

happiness” is to ignore the systemic and institutional practices of school-based oppression, and

most importantly, place the blame on queer students for killing themselves instead of the abusive

conditions that drove them to commit suicide.

Further, Savage perpetuates false stereotypes about all queers that he seems to carry with

him from his own childhood into the present. By refusing to acknowledge the potential presence

of any other queers within his own high school and attempting to sympathize with queer teens,

he upholds the concept of a token queer that remains isolated from any others who may share a

similar identity. Rather, our presence in a heteronormative patriarchy requires that all, including

queers, assume others are heterosexual unless they actively identify their queerness publicly.

Dismissing the idea that other queers are present and promoting inevitable setting of individual

isolation stigmatizes queers as different, “others,” and ignores the injustice that keeps queers

from revealing their identities. Savage also works to strengthen stereotypes against the queer

community by offering a way to recognize openly gay individuals when he says, “. . . I was

picked on because I liked musicals, and I was obviously openly gay.” Through this statement,

Savage provides permission for his audience to assume that men that act more “feminine” or are

perceived to be engaging in “feminine” activities are inherently gay. This stereotype upholds

public confusion regarding the difference between sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender

expression, but also a heteronormative idea about what qualities heterosexual and queer men are

required to uphold if they want to maintain their perceived identity.

The video certainly communicates messages to more than just its intended audience of

queer youth, also subtly creating a narrative for allies to rely on. The Gender Equity Resource

Center at the University of California in Berkeley describes an ally as “someone who advocates

for and supports members of a community other than their own . . .” (Definition) while the

UCLA LGBT Resource Center contrasts that with “someone who confronts heterosexism,

homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, heterosexual and genderstraight privilege in themselves and

others; a concern for well-being of [queer] people; and a belief that heterosexism, homophobia,

biphobia, and transphobia are social justice issues” (Green, 2003). Although slightly different

definitions exist for the meaning of “ally,” one thing remains true: ally is just as much an active

verb as it is an adjective.

Unfortunately, Savage’s video encourages a passive understanding of being an ally, one

in which queers will “one day . . . have friends who love and support you.” While love and

support are wonderful to receive, they’re not enough. By claiming that the “bigots don’t win,”

Savage encourages a perspective that harassment throughout high school is inevitable for queers

for queers and ignoring a call to action for those that see the suffering. Throughout the queer

movement, it has never been a secret that the voices of non-queer individuals rings much louder,

with more power and credibility, and without these voices, the movement could not have made

nearly as much progress as it has presently. Instead, Savage presents an ally in high school as

someone with the token “gay best friend,” and it seems that this understanding of a passive ally

is carried after high school graduation.

Savage describes the couples’ families as ones that love, accept, and include them,

seemingly painting a picture of the ideal family that queers can hope to gain after they are

accepted. The example that Savage provides, suggesting that some of his mother’s last words to

“let Terry know that she loved him like a daughter” actually reject love, acceptance, and

inclusion. Rather, they show that his mother’s words consider his partner to be less than a

cisgender man because of his sexuality and queerness. By acknowledging her comments as a

positive understanding of ally, he provides permission for others to hold the same

heteronormative and passive perspective. In his video, Savage discourages allies from seeking

social change during high school as an inevitable experience that teen queers must face, that

make them stronger, and because that suffering is ultimately limited. Further, if allies are

manipulated to believe that “it gets better” and the worst part about life is “paying the bills,” as

Miller jokingly says in the video, then they are further provided a false consciousness where

oppression is largely nonexistent.

This critical examination of Savage’s video, the first of the It Gets Better Project, is

important because it allows us to counteract the pervasive message that is displayed in Savage’s

discourse: the bigots do win. They have won. They continue to win. They will keep winning,

even after high school, and it does not get better. If we continue to tell queers that their suffering

emancipates once they receive their diploma, which many are unable to do, then we shame the

lives of those who have already been lost, ignore the ongoing and extensive oppression that

queers face throughout all aspects of life, and discourage the solidarity needed to continue

advancing the queer movement.

Queering the American Dream

While Savage provides dismal support for queer teens in high school, and outright denies

that queers need any during their adult life, he does provide a significant path to prosperity for

queers to pursue. Hegemonic control has been a widespread force throughout the United States

since the country’s origins; however, it seems that American hegemony has been adapted for a

new niche audience: the queers. Traditionally, the American Dream has championed that each

person has the right to pursue happiness and the ability to strive for a better life through hard

work with equal opportunity (Ellis and Guettler, 2014). The Queer American Dream has a

recent, but limited history, including roots in the queer migration to the Castro District during the

late nineteenth century, but its existence is clearly alive, flourishing, and present through

Savage’s rhetoric.

Goltz’s (2013) observation that the It Gets Better Project creates a “sparkly, magical life”

that encourages queer youth and young adults to flock to metropolitan areas to ‘escape’ their

isolation is overwhelmingly present in Savage’s discourse. After describing the horrors of his

experience in high school, Savage immediately contrasts another “metro-centric” environment

where he had the opportunity to meet his partner. Savage sensationalizes his metropolitan setting

by saying that he had finally found his community, exacerbating a false illusion that queers

remain isolated unless the move to a city. However, not just any city, as Miller reminds us when

he describes Spokane, Washington as a “mid-sized town with a small with a small town

mentality.” Rather, the couple reveals that queers can only find liberation in the largest cities

with clearly designated gayborhoods.

Through their narrative, Savage and Miller credit the beginning of their relationship to

their presence in the gayborhood. In fact, Savage goes so far as to paint metropolitan

gayborhoods as one of the only safe places for queers when he describes his arrival by saying,

“once I got out of high school they couldn’t touch me anymore.” This metro-centric Queer

American Dream is further solidified when Savage concludes by wishing that he could tell his

younger self that “there really is a place for us,” paving a gold path for other young queers to

find the gayborhoods that he speaks about.

The Queer American Dream is one cloaked in lavish experiences, separating the queers

into a community that distinguishes itself from non-queers, and portrays an escape route for the

queers enduring suffering during their teenage years. Although metropolitan areas do tend to be

more progressive and diverse environments, they also tend to be some of the most expensive,

competitive regions with gayborhoods that face high numbers of poverty and gentrification.

Gayborhoods also typically revolve around the inclusion of heteronormative cisgender gay men

and lesbian women, who hold the most privilege in the queer community, often rejecting and

actually reinforcing injustice against other queers with a different sexual orientations or gender

identities, or gender expressions. The Queer American Dream blames queers who do not migrate

to urban areas for their own suffering while simultaneously forcing the queer community to

compete for privilege, judging individuals based on how well they conform to cisgender

heteronormativity. For instance, it is extraordinarily common for cisgender gay men to choose

partners and rank themselves among the community depending on how “straight-acting” they

are, attempting to match an ideal set by the heteronormative patriarchy. Those with the least

privilege of the queer community are overwhelmingly queer people of color and transgender

women, living at the intersections of oppression, who must fight daily to even be included within

the queer identity.

It’s with the Queer American Dream that Savage tries to lure queer youth and young

adults in to these gayborhoods as a means to escape their marginalization. For those with a more

realistic understanding of what these regions encompass, the term gayborhood is often replaced

with the term “gay ghetto.” Regrettably, Savage’s rhetoric serves to uphold these gayborhoods as

a heteronormative and patriarchal institutions by recruiting gay teens to them through the use of

the Queer American Dream. Gayborhoods themselves are not the source of problem. Rather,

blaming queer youth for their own oppression if they choose not to migrate to a gayborhood,

upholding the internalized heteronormative oppression that takes place within them, and telling

all queers that they can only thrive by joining “the community” through the Queer American

Dream actually upholds the heteronormative patriarchy throughout society.

Reoccurring Support for the Dominant Ideology

The initial video that Savage makes to create the It Gets Better Project never directly tells

others how to make theirs; however, it does seem to directly influence the content within other

videos. In fact, many videos also perpetuate the same Queer American Dream, a passive

approach to oppression, and tell queers that they should, and can, “tough it out” through high

school. There are over 50,000 videos available to analyze; however, we will examine a diverse

sample of several of the most popular videos uploaded to the It Gets Better Project website, as

well as some that were recently uploaded while visiting the site.

Although he identifies as a straight, cisgender male, President Barack Obama shares

some of the same elements in his discourse as Savage’s narrative. Obama challenges the notion

that “bullying is just a right of passage; that it’s some inevitable part of growing up,” but he

places the responsibility on queer teens to reach out to “those who can help.” Obama admits that

he “doesn’t know what it’s like” for queer youth to experience harassment and that there’s a

“world waiting for you that’s filled with possibilities.” He continues to say that “you’ve got to

reach out to people you trust . . . don’t feel like you’re in this by yourself.” While Obama’s

discourse does not inherently communicate the Queer American Dream, he assumes that queer

teens have the resources to receive adequate support to overcome their challenges. As we know

from GLSEN’s findings, this is simply not the case. It is also ironic to see one of the largest

influencers in federal public policy tell queers to find the appropriate resources without

providing a source to find them or promising to help remove the injustice.

Chaz Bono, son of the famous singer Cher, who identifies as a transgender man, shows

striking similarities in his video to the Queer American Dream, often more blatantly than Savage.

Bono begins by acknowledging the hardships of being queer in high school, but immediately

begins encouraging queers to find a gayborhood by saying, “when you grow up you realize that

you’re not alone and that there are lots and lots of other people – communities of people – just

like you who are willing to embrace you, and support you, and love you, and you need to hang

around and wait for that magic to happen.” Bono encourages the perception that all queers in

high school, or outside of a metropolitan gayborhood, must live in isolation by continuing to say

that “even when you’re different, life is, you know, really a wonderful thing . . .”, explaining that

he recently came out, and since then has found a “new community, and that’s what happens

when you can finally begin to be honest about who you are and find others like you.” Bono ends

by telling queers that when they are older, they too will “find other wonderful people who are

different, just like you.”

Even Janet Mock, a successful transgender woman of color, an identity that often holds

the least amount of privilege among queers, relays the same metro-centric message to her

audience. Mock tells viewers that she “wasn’t able to thrive until she asked for help,” but for

many queers, there is no one to ask, and no one to listen. Although Mock moved to New York

after receiving a scholarship to continue her studies, she describes her move as one that allowed

her to “finally [find] her people.” She tells her audience that she “knows that you can live the life

of your dreams as well . . . I know because I am you. I love you, and I can’t wait to see you on

the other side.” Mock never defines “her people,” but the statement draws us to assume that she

means the queers of New York City, or a gayborhood that will welcome queers into their

community.

A more recent video made by Stephanie Powlus, who grew up in Seattle, Washington,

says that they are “so used to everyone being so accepting . . . but, there are those people who

aren’t.” Unfortunately, the only advice that Stephanie gives is “don’t talk to them; they’re not

important.” Stephanie continues to say that queers should “just look past it. There’s no reason for

you to care . . . ”, providing another example of someone who accuses queers of creating their

own unhappiness. Stephanie hints at the Queer American dream when they say “I can do what I

want, and I can be who I want, and there are people out there who will love me for it . . .”, again

complimenting Savage’s false concept of a far-away community ready to embrace queers. While

not all videos suggest such a pilgrimage, many mirror portions that actually continue to

accompany the oppression that queers face.

Also recently uploaded, Bryan Breeze’s video immediately begins by saying, “Life is

hard, but yes, the only reason it’s hard is because you make it,” deliberately accusing queer teens

of choosing their own situations of suffering. Counterintuitively, Breeze then identifies the steps

he took to “make it better” for himself a queer youth, outlining that “the first thing that you need

to understand is that it does not get better right away.” Instead, Breeze tells his queers that they

need to stop holding negative attitudes and begin “working on themselves.” They say that the

most important thing is to “love yourself” and “believe that you are strong,” offering that the

harassment still continues, but they are able to ignore it because he is comfortable with his

sexuality. Breeze concludes by saying that “you are the only one that can change your life,”

again placing the fate of queers in their own hands rather than the heteronormative patriarchy

that creates widespread situations of injustice. Although Breeze never frames their video in a

“metro-centric” manner, it is possible that queers who have watched other videos, in addition to

this one, have been led to believe that the only way they control their future is by pursuing the

Queer American Dream.

On May 4, 2011, Jamey Rodemeyer, a fourteen year old living in Buffalo, New York

uploaded his own video on the It Gets Better Project’s website. Jamey tells us that he came out

as bisexual in December 2010 and has “been made fun of” for not having male friends, being

called “faggot” and getting taunted during school. He discusses harassment from his peers on

Formspring,5 where others left comments such as, “I wouldn’t care if you died. No one would.

So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!” (James, 2011). Jamey says that his

family and friends supported him after he came out, but offers one of his greatest inspirations,

singer Lady Gaga, for those without such luck, because of her history telling queers that they

were “born this way,” the title of one of her songs. On September 13, 2011, he uploads another

similar video to his personal Tumblr account, and though it is just a few seconds long, we see a

much different person. He says that this video is another to tell viewers that “it gets better”, but

he says for him “it’s going shitty as hell, as you can see” while holding up his arm to show

multiple cuts on his wrists and is holding back tears. Neither of the videos that he recorded

remain on the It Gets Better website, and the last thing posted on Jamey’s Tumblr is, “Thank you

Lady Gaga. For everything you have done for me. Paws up forever.” The same day, September

18, 2011, Jamey hanged himself.

Each of these user submitted videos are extremely different; however, they all have one

thing in common: they reiterate portions of Savage’s own video and never challenge the root of

queer oppression. Instead, they act as a band aid to someone’s deep cut, rather than the actual

stitches that are needed. Until we change the discourse that we use to support all of the struggling

queer teens in the United States, nothing will get better. Not in high school, and certainly not

after. Jamey was not the first to kill himself since the start of the It Gets Better Project, and he

definitely will not be the last.

5 Formspring is an online social network where users are able to anonymously leave comments and ask questions on

an individual’s personal page.

Conclusion

The It Gets Better Project may claim to give hope to queer teens. However, as Jamey

knew, lying to queers about an extravagant life is not enough, especially without attempting to

“make it better” now. Rather, Savage’s video upholds the heteronormative patriarchy by

exacerbating the hegemony of a Queer American Dream, telling queers that they are different

and isolated, encouraging queer allies to remain passive in their support, and creating a false

reality where queers are liberated if they simply migrate to a metropolitan region to find their

community, often in gayborhoods. Other popular and homemade videos uploaded to the website

often communicate the same message. The It Gets Better Project does not encourage queers or

allies to address the pervasive and systemic institutions that oppress the queer community,

provides little tangible resources for queers facing harassment in schools, and frequently

promises a false reality where queers can be exempt from oppression if they flock to gay ghettos.

No one should have to “tough it out,” and the queer movement loses much of its capacity

to further dissolve the heteronormative patriarchy by allowing Savage’s rhetoric to be the only

support that queers face during their time in school. Those of us within the queer community

have a responsibility to correct the hegemonic discourse provided by Savage, as do our cisgender

and heterosexual allies. We should not be waiting for it to get better. We should be making it

better.

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