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Tuxen, Nonie. (2013), 'Arranged love: conceptualising marriage on Shaadi.com', Reinvention: an International Journal of Undergraduate Research, BCUR/ICUR 2013 Special Issue, http://www.warwick.ac.uk/reinventionjournal/issues/bcur2013specialissue/tuxen/

Arranged love: conceptualising marriage on Shaadi.com

ABSTRACT This article investigates how women in the Indian diaspora articulate ideas of love and marriage through testimonials published on Shaadi.com. The literature concerning Indian marriage practices tends to regard arranged marriage and love marriage as mutually exclusive. However, this article argues that a shift is occurring in the way that marriage is conceptualised by women in the Indian diaspora. Specifically, data obtained from Shaadi.com suggest that the emergence of an amalgamated practice, ‘arranged love marriage’, is dominant within representations of marriage on the website. 208 testimonials were thematically analysed; the findings indicate that Uberoi’s (1998, 2006) notion of arranged love marriage is prevalent within the narratives examined. Key words: Indian diaspora, Shaadi.com, matrimonial websites, marriage, romantic love, arranged love marriage

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I sent him an interest in October 2010 and he gladly accepted. We started exchanging emails and then talking on the phone. I just knew that he was the one for me. Then we told our parents about each other. He was living in New York and I was in California. He came to California to meet me for the first time. He said that he fell in love with me at first sight. Next day we exchanged the rings and our families fixed the date of our marriage … We are now happily married and living in California. We are loving every moment of married life. We both thank Shaadi.com for bringing us into each other’s lives.

- Jasdeep and Ravinder, USA (Shaadi Pride, May 2011)i

In this testimonial from Shaadi.com, India’s largest matrimonial website,

Jasdeep describes a marriage that blurs the line between Indian traditions of

arranged marriage and love marriage. This notion of a blended marriage contradicts

much of the literature concerning Indian marriage practices, which generally

constructs arranged marriage and love marriage as mutually exclusive phenomena.

This article investigates how women in the Indian diaspora articulate ideas of

love and marriage through testimonials published on Shaadi.com. Using the

arranged marriage versus love marriage paradigm to analyse the testimonials, this

article argues that a shift is occurring in the way that marriage is conceptualised by

young women in the Indian diaspora. Specifically, data obtained from Shaadi.com

suggest that the emergence of an amalgamated practice known as ‘arranged love

marriage’ is dominant within representations of marriage on the website.

The amalgamation of arranged marriage and love marriage practices has

been documented by several studies, particularly those concerned with popular

Indian cinema, or ‘Bollywood’ (Uberoi, 1998, 2006; Kapur, 2009). Inroads have also

been made in exploring the narratives of Indian youths (Netting, 2010). Whether

arranged love marriage is present within the diaspora, however, is yet to be

comprehensively understood. Investigating the notion of arranged love marriage is

particularly relevant to the Indian diaspora because, given the hybridised nature of

both arranged love marriage and the diaspora, it seems likely that this form of

marriage would appeal to diasporic members. Arranged love marriage has the

potential to bridge Indian tradition (arranged marriage) and romantic notions that

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align with post-modern Western conceptions of marriage (love marriage). This

amalgamative process speaks to the multifaceted identities of women in the Indian

diaspora who face particular gendered familial expectations surrounding marriage

(Samuel, 2010).

The Indian diaspora is a significant population in which to study potential

shifts in cultural practices because diasporic members tend to be agents of socio-

cultural change who readily adopt new ideas and practices, and transfer them back

to the home country via transnational ties and communication (Glick Schiller, Basch

& Blanc-Szanton, 1992; Voigt-Graf, 2005). In the context of a globalised world,

diasporas are therefore positioned at the forefront of social transformation.

Furthermore, there is a general lack of literature addressing women’s experiences of

migration as distinct from men’s (Dhar, 2010). According to Costa-Pinto (2008),

women in the Indian diaspora are generally more adaptable than men in their ability

to negotiate transnational hybrid identities. This suggests that women in the diaspora

may be positioned at the intersection between Indian culture and Western society,

making them an important focus for further study. This article therefore aims to

contribute to discourse concerning women’s experiences of migration by

investigating ideas about marriage present within the Indian diaspora in the context

of a matrimonial website.

Additionally, there is little available literature focussing on Indian matrimonial

websites. Within this literature, limited attention has been devoted to discourses

within matrimonial websites. Specifically, notions of love and romance are yet to be

comprehensively explored within the literature on matrimonial websites. Therefore, in

addition to pursuing the wider objective of exploring women’s ideas of love and

marriage, this article also aims to extend upon existing literature within an emerging

field of study. To address these aims, this article will first conduct a brief literature

review, summarising relevant discourse around matrimonial websites and Indian

marriage practices. Second, Shaadi.com will be used as a case study to examine a

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potential shift in marriage practices within the Indian diaspora.

LITERATURE REVIEW

Matrimonial websites

Matrimonial websites for people of Indian ancestry first emerged in the late

1990s (Shako, 2004). These websites have since become a multi-million dollar

industry and continue to experience growth in both India and its diaspora (Jha &

Adelman, 2009: 70-71). Matrimonial websites capitalise on the dispersion of Indians

and the gradual breakdown of communities as a consequence of migration, both

within and particularly outside India. Gopalkrishnan and Babacan suggest that ‘one

of the main problems of diasporic communities is the loss of the traditional

matchmaking services and the opportunities that exist … in the homeland’ (2007:

516). Matrimonial websites thereby provide a platform for families and individuals to

locate a suitable partner, regardless of geographical location.

Matrimonial websites foster the creation of a ‘global marriage market’, which

links different corners of the Indian diaspora with each other, as well as with India.

Adams and Ghose posit that matrimonial websites play an important role in the

facilitation of an Indian global marriage market as they accelerate contact ‘between

two or more continents, but they may also slow assimilation in [Western cultures] by

inhibiting marriages across ethnic or subethnic lines’ (2003: 431). Matrimonial

websites thereby function to ensure that Indians within the diaspora ‘are able to

marry someone from the same cultural background’ (Lakha, 2006: 387). Matrimonial

websites permit the construction of ‘a “suitable” match [as] one with the right

geographical-genetic origins’, which perpetuates matchmaking along traditional

criteria (Adams & Ghose, 2003: 431).

Furthering this logic, Jha and Adelman argue that matrimonial websites

create a ‘shopping effect’ which channels people into selecting a partner based on

criteria (such as religion, profession, education, complexion, and so forth) rather than

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allowing the possibility for ‘people to “discover” attraction in the course of interacting

with a potential mate’ (2009: 71). Additionally, Gopalkrishnan and Babacan contend

that relationships formed through Indian matrimonial websites ‘continue to exist

around some basic guidelines of what will and will not be acceptable to parents’

(2007: 517). What is deemed acceptable to parents is often determined by

conventions dictated by arranged marriage, as outlined below.

Indian marriage practices

Arranged marriage

Arranged marriage is held within the literature as the dominant and preferred

method of finding a partner in India (Medora, 2003: 214; Seth & Patnayakuni, 2011:

332; Sharangpani, 2010: 252). Uberoi (2006: 24) estimates that 90% of Indian

marriages are arranged. ‘Arranged marriage’ can be summarised as a marital

alliance formed by elder family members through existing social networks, or with the

help of third parties, in which specific characteristics are considered in order to find a

‘suitable match’ (including caste, education, social status, financial security, career

prospects, religion, and so forth). An arranged marriage therefore does not concern

only the individuals to be married, but is commonly regarded as a ‘marriage between

two families.’ Arranged marriage thus becomes a collective ‘practical consideration

[of matchmaking criteria] in the selection of mates rather than … romantic love’

(Gupta, 1976: 77). Love, then, is not a necessary precondition when selecting a

suitable spouse in an arranged marriage context. It is assumed that if a proper match

is made, ‘love will develop after marriage as the couple negotiates their relationship’

(Abraham, 2000: 19).

Love marriage

Love marriages have always occurred in Indian culture, however they have

never been the dominant method of selecting a spouse (Gupta, 1976). The

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untranslated English phrase ‘love marriage’ is commonly used to describe a marriage

in which two individuals decide to wed without input from their families, based on

romantic involvement rather than well-matched criteria. In contemporary India, love

marriage often represents lust, disrespect of parents and danger to society (Netting,

2010: 709). Love is typically viewed as a ‘weak’ basis for marriage in Indian culture

‘because its presence may overshadow suitable qualities in spouses’ (Gupta, 1976:

77). Furthermore, there is a greater likelihood that love will contravene the social

restrictions enforced by arranged marriage processes, such as marrying within your

caste or religion (Corwin, 1977; Chowdhry, 2007; Velayutham & Wise, 2008). Love

marriage is thereby constructed as the polar opposite to arranged marriage in Indian

culture, as it challenges the ‘natural’ ‘caste hierarchy, and social considerations of

class, status and standing’ (Mody, 2002: 255-6). Barriers constructed by familial

expectations and obligations, in addition to societal norms, make achieving a love

marriage difficult in Indian society. Perhaps as a consequence of the complexities

surrounding love marriages, several authors have recognised an emerging shift

towards a hybridised conception of marriage which blends both arranged marriage

and love marriage.

Arranged love marriage

Uberoi was the first scholarii to use the expression ‘arranged love marriage’ to

describe ‘a style of matchmaking whereby a romantic choice already made is

endorsed, post facto, by parental approval and treated thereafter like an “arranged

marriage”’ (1998: 306). In her 2006 book Uberoi builds upon this notion, suggesting

that arranged love marriage can occur when ‘a young man and woman (appropriately

matched by all the usual criteria) … fall in love, and then bring their parents into the

picture to conduct the marriage negotiations as for a proper “arranged marriage”’

(Uberoi, 2006: 36). This latter definition will inform the analysis of Shaadi.com

testimonials, along with previously described conventional understandings of

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arranged marriage and love marriage.

SHAADI.COM

Currently there are over one hundred matrimonial websites that cater to an

Indian clientele (Datta, 2008). Of these websites, Shaadi.com claims to be the

world’s largest, with over 20 million members in its database.iii On its homepage

Shaadi.com proudly advertises that, since its establishment in 1996, it has facilitated

more than two million matches. Consequently, Shaadi.com has been recognised as

an important site for further study (Shako, 2004; Maclaran et. al., 2008; Jha &

Adelman, 2009). In order to explore notions of marriage within Shaadi.com, the

remainder of this article will adopt the following structure: first, method will be briefly

outlined; second, the architecture of the website will be explored; last, a thematic

analysis of testimonials published on Shaadi.com will be undertaken.

METHOD

This article analyses testimonials posted between 2001-2011 from the

‘Shaadi Pride’ section of the website, which contains endorsements from users who

have found their partner through the website. When reading Shaadi Pride,

testimonials were shortlisted based on several criteria: First, an Indian woman living

in a Western country (or her family) must have written the testimonial. Second, the

testimonial was required to explain how they met and how the author felt when she

met her partner. Third, the testimonial must detail either what led to the marriage or

how the marriage took place. Ultimately, 208 testimonials were shortlisted for

narrative analysis.

When interpreting the data collected from Shaadi.com, two complementary

analytical approaches were combined: narrative analysis and thematic analysis.

Narrative analysis is the primary method used to explore and attribute meaning to the

data, whilst thematic analysis provides a secondary method for the organisation and

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coding of data. The data was coded thematically according to three concepts put

forward in the literature on Indian marriage practices: arranged marriage, love

marriage, and Uberoi’s (1998, 2006) notion of arranged love marriage.

When analysing online data, researchers must address the ethical debate

surrounding the collection of website data (Whiteman, 2012; boyd, 2007, 2008; Ess,

2001; King, 1996). This article adopts the stance that data contained within Shaadi

Pride is situated within the public sphere: the participants have chosen to submit their

testimonials for publication (often with photos attached) on the website and can

therefore be understood as giving implicit consent to observation (Ess, 2001).

Furthermore, there are no passwords or gatekeeping devices in place to protect the

content; the testimonials are freely available to all Internet users (King, 1996). This

article therefore treats Shaadi Pride data as publically available textual materials, as

opposed to ‘the property of human subjects’ (Whiteman, 2012: 82). Consequently, a

discourse analysis is undertaken of narratives that effectively act as marketing

materials from Shaadi.com that are published with a specific intended purpose: to

promote an ideal form of marriage to the global Indian population.

Narratives are inextricable from the context in which they are told (Fontana &

Frey, 2000: 646-7; Josselson, 2011: 224-5). Therefore, before examining the

testimonials, it is important to contextualise the data presented within Shaadi.com

and Shaadi Pride. When constructing her narrative, the author would likely be aware

that the testimonials are publicly available and may be viewed by people known to

her and her family in addition to the general public. She may therefore be mindful of

maintaining the reputation of her family and in-laws as well as producing an image of

herself as a virtuous woman, as the reputation of the family is important in Indian

culture and women are often deemed responsible for upholding reputation (Derné,

1994; Samuel, 2010). Furthermore, the testimonials serve as promotional material for

Shaadi.com, which one would assume are filtered by the website to represent only

favourable accounts of marriage. These factors combine to create a context in which

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both the author and Shaadi.com produce an idealised representation of marriage.

This representation suggests that women within the Indian diaspora can resolve

tension between familial obligation and post-modern Western notions of romantic

love, thereby obtaining ‘the best of both worlds’.

ARCHITECTURE OF SHAADI.COM

In addition to the context of the data presented within the website, it is also

important to understand the architecture of Shaadi.com and how this can affect the

way in which people use the website. Papacharissi argues that ‘the architecture of

virtual spaces … simultaneously suggests and enables particular modes of

interaction’ (2009: 200). boyd furthers this logic, suggesting that the architecture of

virtual networking sites ‘define what types of interaction are possible, and shape how

people engage in these spaces’ (2011: 42). Shaadi.com is constructed around

notions of arranged marriage, particularly in the way that a profile is constructed,

which, in theory, should mean that the website is primarily used to arrange

marriages.

From the moment a user signs up, they are channelled into specifying

information that would traditionally be used to determine whether a suitable match

could be made with another marriage candidate. The majority of this information is

collected during the registration process and can be very detailed. In the sign-up

process, before entering any personal information (such as a name or date of birth),

Shaadi.com asks the user to specify who the profile is being created for; ‘self, son,

daughter, brother, sister, friend or relative.’ It is compulsory for the user to answer

this question, and the response is later displayed on the individual’s profile. The

notion that a profile might be created by someone other than the person seeking

marriage is consistent with traditional arranged marriage customs in which a family

member would advertise, through personal networks and/or newspapers and

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matchmaking agencies, that a particular member of their family is seeking a marriage

partner (Seth & Patnayakuni, 2011: 333-4).

Additional information that is compulsory for users (both men and women) to

provide and is displayed in each user’s profile includes:

• Where they grew up, currently live (state and city) and their residency status

• Their level of education and the field in which they were educated

• Their current annual income (in dollars rather than INR; however users can

also select that they ‘Don’t want to specify’)

• Whether or not they smoke or drink

Information that is not compulsory for users to provide, but is required before users

are classified as having a complete profile, includes:

• Religion

• Mother tongue

• Caste/sect and sub-caste

• Diet: whether users are Vegetarian, Non-Vegetarian, Occasionally Non-

Vegetarian, ‘Eggetarian’,iv Jain, or Vegan

• Personal values: whether they classify themselves as Traditional, Moderate,

or Liberal

• Complexion (Very Fair, Fair, ‘Wheatish’ or Darkv), height and build

• What field the user is currently employed in

• Whether the user would ‘prefer’ to continue to work after marriage

• Their horoscope details (date, time, and place of birth)

There is little variation between the details listed on a Shaadi.com profile and the

criteria that have traditionally been used to determine a suitable match in arranged

marriages. Caste, religion, education, profession, lifestyle practices, and horoscope

continue to be important considerations when selecting a partner (Medora, 2003;

Gopalkrishnan & Babacan, 2007; Samuel, 2010). Shaadi.com profiles essentially

function as a contemporary matrimonial advertisement that, prior to the invention of

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the Internet, would have been printed in the local newspaper or submitted to a

matchmaking agency.

RESULTS AND DISCUSSION

Arranged marriage

Given Shaadi.com’s architecture, it is unsurprising that users arrange

marriages through the website and that this is reflected in the Shaadi Pride

testimonials. Twenty per cent of testimonials within the sample reflect an arranged

marriage narrative. Family members can use Shaadi.com to find a suitable spouse

for their relative and would presumably follow the arranged marriage pattern.

Testimonials reflecting a traditional arranged marriage are typically written by the

parent (or sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc.) of the recently married family member

and are often quite short, for example:

I am glad to inform you that through Shaadi.com I was able to settle a good

match for my younger sister. ... I never thought that any site could bind not

only two souls but two families together.

- Ranu, USA (Shaadi Pride, July 2005)

I had put in my daughter's particulars in the website. While we live in the

United Kingdom, we got an excellent match for our daughter from New Delhi.

Keep this excellent work up.

- Tejinder Sharma, UK (Shaadi Pride, December 2002)

Within the testimonials that clearly follow the traditional arranged marriage format, it

is common for the writer to mention the joining of families, or the forming of an

‘alliance’ between two families. In the testimonials examined, no family member

mentions finding a ‘soulmate’ for their relative. This is a significant point of difference

between the ways that families use Shaadi.com and how individuals appear to use

Shaadi.com, as will be discussed.

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In line with arranged marriage patterns, some Shaadi.com testimonials

mention that parents (or other family members) set up a profile on behalf of their

child (or relative). In these cases, it appears that the family typically communicates

directly with potential suitors and their families, and when a good match is found the

candidate is informed. The candidates almost always speak extensively prior to

finalising the marriage. Presumably, women have a degree of choice in the final

decision about their marriage as they do with other contemporary arrangements, and

can decline if they wish – ‘although the choice of groom is rarely theirs alone’ (Jones,

2009: 8). There are many examples within Shaadi Pride of women in the diaspora

being happily matched by their families:

Our journey started when Nitin … sent a request which was accepted by my

Dad. Both parents spoke to each other and decided to meet since Nitin had

come from the US to attend his twin brother’s wedding. I was in London and

completely clueless about this development. My parents told me about this

after meeting and sharing my number with Nitin. While talking, we both

realised that we are compatible and things could work out … Both the

families decided to take things forward. The only worry that they had was

that we hadn’t met or seen each other in person. Since both of us had been

talking quite a lot, we didn’t see this as a blocker … I would really like to

thank Shaadi.com for uniting us forever in love.

- Shuchi and Nitin, UK/USA (Shaadi Pride, October 2011)

Shuchi’s testimonial is best described as an arranged marriage for several reasons.

First, Shuchi’s parents made her profile on Shaadi.com, screened candidates and

selected a suitable match, then introduced the couple, and with the authorisation of

the couple the wedding proceeded. Second, Shuchi seems to imply that love is

something that occurs in tandem with unification (i.e. marriage). This is consistent

with the notion that, in an arranged marriage, love will develop after marriage if a

match is properly made (Abraham, 2000: 19).

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Shuchi’s testimonial is also demonstrative of how transnational families can

use Shaadi.com to negotiate tradition in the context of a globalised world. In Shuchi’s

case, Shaadi.com facilitated a match made across three continents: a bride in the

UK, a groom in the USA, and both families in India. Despite distance, families can

appropriate Shaadi.com to enact arranged marriage practices.

Love marriage

The second theme that emerges from Shaadi.com is that of premarital

romance culminating in a ‘love marriage’. Despite the pervasiveness of arranged

marriage traditions within Shaadi.com’s architecture and testimonials, the website is

also saturated with post-modern Western ideas of love and romance. This is an

intriguing intersection between love and arranged marriage. Shaadi.com embodies

traditional arranged marriage practices through the information provided in a profile

and how that profile can be used; however, Shaadi.com simultaneously facilitates the

development of premarital love and romance.

As discussed previously, love is not a precondition when finalising an

arranged marriage. Some families might view premarital love as problematic and

disruptive to the process of finding a suitable match as it is assumed that love will

develop throughout the course of a marriage if a match is properly made (Abraham,

2000; Mody, 2006). Despite the destabilising effect that premarital love may have on

tradition and family relations, many women (and some men) in the diaspora speak of

‘love at first sight’, ‘destiny’ and finding their ‘soulmate’ through Shaadi.com. For

example:

When we spoke, we liked each other instantly … I have to admit that I fell in

love with him the first time I saw him. My heart knew he is the one for me …

There was no looking back from then onwards … After this the big question

was when to get married. I was busy with my residency and Ashish was

busy with completing his MBA … Neither of us wanted to wait much longer

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and we finally got married on 7th April 2006 in the Cook County Courthouse

of Chicago. When we exchanged oaths, we both had tears in our eyes …

We are so much in love with each other.

- Bhavna and Ashish, USA (Shaadi Pride, April 2006)

We met on your website two and a half years ago … We had a fantastic first

date … I felt like a teenager having her first crush. We have had ups and

downs in our relationship since then but the initial feeling of ‘love at first

sight’ (which was mutual) never left us … My parents threw us a fantastic

dream wedding, and Raj’s family were just as delighted to be there. We both

thank you [Shaadi.com] from the bottom of our hearts as you have helped us

find each other. We are two souls in one now.

- Pooja and Raj, UK (Shaadi Pride, August 2004)

Both Bhavna and Pooja’s testimonials suggest the evolution of premarital love

through dating (approximately one year for Bhavna, and two and a half years for

Pooja), which aligns with the Indian concept of love marriage. Neither Bhavna nor

Pooja mention families in the context of making the decision to marry or that their

family specifically endorsed the marriage, which suggests that familial obligation was

perhaps secondary to finding ‘true love’.

The notions of love and romance present in these testimonials, particularly

love at first sight, also relate to post-modern Western conceptions of love as based

on individual desire (Giddens, 1992). Love, as described by Bhavna and Pooja,

contains none of the negative connotations associated with love marriages detailed

in the literature on Indian marriage practices. This suggests that post-modern

Western notions of love are permeating how women in the Indian diaspora articulate

their marriages. However, testimonials reflecting love marriage were a minority (27%)

within the sample, as those that described love and romance also typically articulated

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the importance of their family in the marriage process.

Arranged love marriage

Testimonials that describe both premarital love and familial endorsement or

involvement in the marriage are reflected in 53% of the sample. The common

storyline within these testimonials suggest that couples meet through Shaadi.com,

fall in love (often depicted as ‘at first sight’), then seek parental approval, and the two

families subsequently communicate and ‘fix’ the marriage. This storyline reflects

Uberoi’s (1998, 2006) definition of arranged love marriage, which arose from the

plots of Bollywood films and other popular fiction. Some of the testimonials closely

adhered to Uberoi’s definition of arranged love marriage. For example:

We talked back and forth for about a month and then we met. It felt so right,

so we got our parents involved – one thing lead to another thing and our

wedding date was set. Thank you Shaadi.com for helping me find my best

friend and the most amazing man!

- Pamela and Amar, Canada (Shaadi Pride, April 2007)

Pamela’s testimonial suggests that she met Amar independently through

Shaadi.com, made a decision to marry likely based on romantic inclination, and

consequently involved both families, who then presumably negotiated the marriage

according to tradition and ultimately ‘set’ the marriage. Pamela’s testimonial is typical

of the arranged love marriage narratives within the sample: despite embedding

notions of romantic love within the narrative, authors consistently refer to the

importance of family in endorsing their marriage. This suggests that women in the

Indian diaspora are negotiating a tension between arranged marriage and love

marriage, which appears to result in an amalgamation that represents ‘the best of

both worlds’.

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Neema’s testimonial provides an example of a narrative that combines

notions of romantic love with familial duty in order to create a story in which the

author achieves ‘the best of both worlds’:

I still can't believe that this is really happening … Our first conversation

lasted 5 hours! Unbelievable. He lived in Chicago and I lived in Southern

California … Finally, Rahul came to Orange County to visit me and my

family. It was love at first sight. We had an amazing first date. He even

spoke with my father in private and asked for my hand in marriage. My

parents were so impressed by him. My father, however, stated that without

his parents in the picture, he couldn’t give his blessings right away. Rahul

immediately went to his parent’s home and told them that he was serious

about me and wanted to marry me … After that, wedding plans were

discussed between the two families ... I want to thank you [Shaadi.com] for

not only introducing me to my partner and husband, but for making it

possible to meet my soul mate ... In such a short time, two families really did

become one.

- Neema and Rahul, USA (Shaadi Pride, June 2003)

Neema’s testimonial suggests that the amalgamation of love and arranged marriage

is complex and different appropriations can be formed subjectively according to the

couple and their situation. The progression of Neema’s narrative technically fulfils

Uberoi’s (1998, 2006) definition of love occurring prior to marriage and parents

subsequently arranging the marriage. Neema describes falling in love at first sight

and weaves multiple post-modern Western concepts of romance and love into her

narrative. However, Neema also articulates that her parents were involved at the first

date, which would suggest that there was limited courtship prior to families becoming

involved – departing from Uberoi’s definition which implies that the couple falls in

love during a prolonged courtship period. If one were to exclude references to

premarital love and romance, Neema’s testimonial would essentially portray an

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arranged marriage. Yet Neema frames her narrative through a romantic lens,

inferring a desire to conceptualise her marriage outside the confines of a traditional

arranged marriage by embedding notions of love within her narrative.

Deepa’s testimonial also suggests that parents can play various roles in an

arranged love marriage:

My family and I liked his profile … we exchanged mobile numbers and spoke

to each other on the phone … After some time when we became good friends

and liked each other, then we decided to meet. We met at one of London’s

most romantic places, Trafalgar Square. He was standing on the top of the

stairs and I was standing right at the bottom of the stairs … It was then when I

first saw him that I fell in love with him. I became speechless … he could not

take his eyes off me. For both of us, it was love at first sight … We gave

about a year to get to know each other better and then decided to get

married. Then he told his parents (my family already knew about it since the

beginning). His parents agreed … I am so thankful to my mother for creating

my profile on Shaadi.com and I am also thankful to Shaadi.com for helping

me find my best match … I feel complete now and it’s all because of

Shaadi.com.

- Deepa and Rajan, UK (Shaadi Pride, December 2011)

Deepa’s mother created her profile and her parents also appear to have been

involved in the screening of candidates, which links Deepa’s narrative to arranged

marriage traditions. Conversely, the parents of Deepa’s husband, Rajan, became

involved after the decision to marry had been made – as per Uberoi’s definition of

arranged love marriage. Despite the involvement of her family from the beginning,

Deepa describes allowing time to get to know Rajan and then deciding to marry.

Similar to Neema, Deepa articulates post-modern Western notions of premarital love,

including falling in love at first sight, of feeling complete, and so forth. Deepa’s

testimonial therefore suggests an aspiration to balance familial duty with individual

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desire for romance.

CONCLUSION

The prevalence of the arranged love marriage discourse within Shaadi Pride

suggests that women in the Indian diaspora aspire to reproduce this form of

marriage. There are several reasons why women within the Indian diaspora might

articulate their marriage within the arranged love marriage paradigm. First, arranged

love marriage creates a situation in which women can uphold familial obligations and

cultural traditions, whilst concurrently pursuing individual desires for premarital

romantic love. Second, identifying with ‘falling in love’ potentially allows a greater

degree of choice and sense of autonomy and control for women within the marriage

process that can often be oppressive in Indian culture (Costa-Pinto, 2007; Samuel,

2010). Situating one’s marriage within a discourse of post-modern romantic love also

gives greater legitimacy to the marriage in a Western context, which may allow

women in the diaspora to interact with both Indian culture and Western culture

simultaneously (Costa-Pinto, 2010).

However, we should not forget that these testimonials are likely to be filtered

by Shaadi.com and be composed by the author with a specific audience in mind. The

testimonials therefore represent an idealised version of marriage, promoted to Indian

women by Indian women. Further exploration is thus required to understand whether

this idealised form of marriage – in which arranged marriage and love marriage are

fused to embody ‘the best of both worlds’ – is also present in how women within the

Indian diaspora, who are positioned outside the Shaadi.com framework, articulate

their marriages. This article, however, provides important inroads in the exploration

of discourses present within matrimonial websites and how women in the Indian

diaspora can use these websites to negotiate tensions between tradition and

modernity, family and the individual.

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ENDNOTES                                                                                                                i Spelling and grammar used in the testimonials will be corrected, if necessary, for the purposes of this article. Therefore some comments may not appear verbatim but I do not change meanings. Using ‘sic’ to identify grammatical and spelling mistakes was considered, but due to the prolific use of ‘text message’ language, this was decided against. ii It should be noted that other authors have also recognised a similar emerging trend, but have coined the phenomenon differently. A common term is ‘love-cum-arranged marriage’ (Medora, 2003; Kumari, 2004; Mody, 2006, Khandewal, 2009; Netting, 2010). Given that these terms are essentially synonymous, this article adopts Uberoi’s definition as this was first to appear and provides an apt description of the practice. iii This statement is nearly impossible to corroborate because exact figures on Shaadi.com membership are not readily available from external sources. iv An ‘Eggetarian’ is a slang term used to describe someone who is a “pure‟ vegetarian but eats eggs. v The majority of profiles viewed (men and women) list their complexion as ‘wheatish’ while very few list their complexion as ‘dark’.