PLANET77 TALES

TALES TALES TALES TALES FROM FROM FROM FROM PLANET PLANET PLANET PLANET 77 77 77 77

“The sense of humor is the oil of life's engine. Without it, the machinery creaks and groans. No lot is so hard, no aspect of things is so grim, but it relaxes before a hearty laugh. “ - George S. Merriam

Planet 77 is a unique repository of friendship, trust and admiration webbed over

35 years that transcends geographical, cultural and social boundaries.. Beginning

with two years of bonding in a university campus with dreams of making it in big in

life, a batch of 30 youngsters of varied talents, traits but with a common trait of energy and confidence and determination branched out to explore life.

SMS Batch 77. What kept them together all these years? Sheer joy of

communication and sharing their experiences….Following is the compilation of their

interaction……….mostly wit, humour, fun and pun for pure enjoyment and celebration

of little things in life… shared in person or through mails and blogs and other

means. If looked at objectively, all these anecdotes,and write ups are teachings of

life which they don’t teach you in schools but nevertheless true life learnings both personally and professionally.

Planet 77 – is a cerebral coinage by Darlie….and aptly so.

A brain wave over a few pegs of whiskey gave birth to an idea to compile these and

this is the result – thanks to contributions from Shaji, Rajiv, Radha, Baiju,Usha,

Leela, Darley, Mohan, Tom… and appreciation from all the rest…and last but not least…a photo started it all….

So here are the tales that travelled through Planet 77….Hope these would nourish your senses, cherish your thoughts…and help to relish life………


Many of us would find this a companion in the lazy afternoons, or while in solitude or while mingling with grand children……

This could be your reading list …may be on your wedding anniversary, birthdays,

and other moments when you can romance with time, solitude and company….with fun and pun….and spice up your life with innocent humour…

“THIS IS TO CERTIFY THAT THE CONTENTS OF THIS COMPILATION IS

NOT AT ALL ORIGINAL AND DOESNOT INTEND TO BE SO…THESE ARE THE SHARED WISDOM FROM DIFFERENT CULTURES..PLACES..ACROSS THE GLOBE

The list itself makes an interesting browse through.


1.A parable for our times.....for all times…. 2. Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... Lessons from life 3. Doctors in search of patients to operate on….wit 4.Business Communication – indigenousization -wit 5. New Living Will Form -humour 6. Vitamins for Laughter....Stress Busters… 7. Dhaba Delights -----That is confidence. Bhangra Special – Dhaba Dialogue 9. Classes For Men 10. Women Empowerment….. Compute Women Cold Hearted Women @ The Pearly Gates How Blonde Was She? Male Refund Menopause Jewelry Brittany Speers - a Hooter? Scented Owl High Flying Blonde Pilot Blonde?s Year In Review 11.Elephant Circumcision 12. Even Kids have their say….. Cure for Child Abuse Toy Prayers Sharing Your Faith - Kindergarten Perspective Kids In Church 13. Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing But... 14. Taters 15. Health Tips for Fat Friends Arkansas Cure For Terminal Illness

16.Overnight Entertainment for Grandma and Grandpa 17. Are You OLD? 18. Asylum Test 19. Letters…………. 20. Ala Carte…….. Diatribe 4U Midget Fortune Teller Sewing Machine For Sale - Cheap Love Not Included 21. Computer Nerd T-Shirt Slogans 22. Cowboy?s Secret to Living a Long Life 23. Bites….. Restaurant Reservation Ukrainian Sausage Time To Pull The Plug? 24. New Years Resolutions You Can Keep 25. MATHEMATICS……… Chocolate Math for 2006 26. Harvard Reading Test 27. Marriage……….. Perfect Divorce 28. X-Factor Sudoku Puzzle- Diatribe du Jour 29. THANKSGIVING Thanksgiving During Biblical Times How to tell if you're celebrating a Redneck Thanksgiving - If... 30.STARTERS… Handy French Phrases If You're Traveling Abroad Lost Dental Plate Bird Flu Symptoms Best Man At A Wedding Neighbour Trap Prunes & Holy Water Lose Weight by Horseback Riding


Farm Equipment Signs Religious-Based Divorce Poker Chips & Quips 31. You Might Be A Texan If... 31. Remembrance Day Sudoku Puzzles: Lest We '4-Get' 'One Drink A Day' Schedule Memory Challenge for a Politician Veggie Tale Second Opinion Surgeon Grace In A Low Voice Canadian, eh! Sudoku Puzzle An Old Farmer's Advice More 'Daffynitions' Best Years of a Woman's Life More 'Signs of the Times' 32. FOR THE COMMERCIAL BREAK Library?s No-Return Policy Second Choice Politician Quaker Spinster Agnes smiled at the questioner and replied, ?Well, thee knows, it takes a mighty good husband to be better than none.? Moojita Scale Little Johnny at the PTA Meeting Deacon Funeral Horse Swallower A Good Sermon - On Average You Owe It To Your Customers Chicken Surprise 34. Innovate your vocabulary. Mensa Invitational - Letter Game 35. Caddy Quotes

37. Tits and Bits How To Treat A Girl My Dad Works With Snakes Psychiatrist's Early Opinion Ten Dollar Sermon X-Ray Wedding When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman 38. Laws of the Natural Universe 39. New Drugs For Women 40. Best Joke by an Indian 41. The Friendship Ball 42. Nagging wife and a Bathroom Test Nagging Wife The Bathtub test 43. SCRAMBLED WORDS ( Clever ! ) 44. YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN POST 2006 when... 45. How to identify Places in India 46. Marketing concepts interestingly explained at IIM(A) (Indian Institute of Management Ahmedabad) 47. In praise of Idli …Dosa…..when you cross 47….. 48. For Healthy Living… 49. Great Management Lessons

50. Some Philosophies …..for Life….. 51. Why ARE Men Happier? 52. We can’t tell you.You are not a monk 53. Test of Intelligence……… 54. Puns & Reruns 55. Cycle of life 56. “Lord, I have a problem." 57. Late Discovery..


59. Yuppie vs. Cowboy 60. NEW DRUGS FOR MEN 61. How Men Think.. MANS PERSPECTIVE CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS WIFE VS. HUSBAND CREATION 62. Wise Talk 63. Why We Love Kids -From the mouths of babes 64. THE CRACKED POT –Jewel of a Different Kind 65. Hole Ting 66. The Suitcase 67. Between the break………… Doesn’t Last But Dust Fishing 68. “PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!!" – What Travel Teaches ….. 69. The Most Important Body Part – Lessons from a Mom 70. THE WORLD IS MINE – Life is Beautiful 71. You’re Fired! – Best thing ever to happen 72. That’s Why Mothers Are……………. 73. You Think You Aren’t Good Enough 74. Realizations of a Wise Man…….. 75. The Dog and The Leopard –that is confidence.

76. GENDER 77. this issue is all on WOMEN 78. Entrance Exam…………. 79. BURY "I CAN'T" 80. -CORPORATE LESSON 1 81. WHAT TO ASK FOR -Alan Cohen 82. Musings of Life 83. The Pope and the Sikhs 84. LESSONS FOR LIFE... 85. HANDLING OF A BLONDE 86. WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN 87. Very important lesson for you ALL !!!!! 88.Most Important in Life…………….. 89. A True Story -Lengthy true life tale of exquisite twist. 90. UP – Lesson in Language 91. Found on the IIM Ahmedabad student board.. 92. FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RITE ENGLISH. 93. A Dental Bargain……….. 94. Arithmatic of Life………. The Accountant A Duck Tale A Boisterous Game 95. This is one up on the guys Here paying u back in your own currency!!! 96. Voice Mail from God…. 97. Bill Gates and GM –Whos’ Cleverer? 98. Is this how women view us???? How guys select the girl they want to marry..... 99. KIDS SAY:ADULTS LEARN 100. Out of the BOX(Soap) Thinking


101. Predujice 102. CHANGE YOUR STRATEGY 103. Food for Thought 104 . 10 Most Stupid Questions…. 105. EXPLAIN GOD 106 107. Happiness Explained 108. This is Management!!!!!! 109. We Just Need To Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are... 110. Punchlines… 111. Apple Tree and the Little Boy…..and You… 112. VIRUS 113. Mail from a Mom….a True One "THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE" 114. LOGIC ….. 114. Economics ……… 115. LA LOO 116. Application Letter 117. Men are like?... 118. Jokes –Regional Diversity 119. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 120. GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

121. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 122. SUCCESS: 123. A letter of Husband to Wife 124. DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON? 125. Easy Vs Difficult 126. Clean Joke 127. 11th Husband 128.. THE FOUR BLESSED LOOKS 129. Efficiency Expert?s Home Advice 130. EuroEnglish 131. Whys? 132. Commandments 133. Various…….. Insufficient Brain Study The Perfect Dress 134 Rules of Work ? How To Get Promoted 135. Deep Thoughts 136. Story Telling Contest – what a moral 137. Telling Lies …..for a Cause. 138. Rather Remarkable Obituary:

Philosophy…… Planet 77…..

There's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise


jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He

shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course,

the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured

the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

"The golf balls are the important things-your spirituality, family, your children,

your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

"The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the

pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and

energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.


The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter

how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

So, make sure there is space for accordingly

Life Consutantancy- Planet 77

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their

conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have

much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to

live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives

TWELVE.. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and

ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and

Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to

correct it.


TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Copy Book - Secrets of Success 1.Goal Setting and Actualisation 2.Working sharper and Time Management 3.Relationship Management 4.Stress Management without distress 5.Effective speaking and Communication 6.Assertiveness and spontaneous 7.Positive Mental attitude 8.Enthusiasm 9.Net-working 10. Mind management and Meditation


1. A parable for our times.....for all times….

OLD VERSION..... The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast alongwith other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) . Opposition MP's stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry. CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers. Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'. Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.. The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.


Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden'. Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ***** Many years later... The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar company in silicon valley. 100s of grasshoppers die of starvation somewhere in India.. POST RECESSION 2008 – Trend reversed … Grasshoppers are back in full vengeance.……It’s recession in the West

2. Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something

really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the

cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

3. Doctors in search of patients to operate on….

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients

to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my

operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is

numbered."


The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!

Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are

the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like

construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few

parts left over

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he

observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head

and the butt are interchangeable. 4.Business Communication – localized

A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a newschool in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after actual date of joining. Consequently was asked for explanation in writing. His explanation was: Deer sur, "This is my first vijit to Bombai. If small small mistakes get inside my letter, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. I was with 3 tickets to I, my sun and my wife. But in the train a person was lieng on the birth of my sun. I put complaint on station master- "A person who is lieying above my wife is not giving birth to my sun".


He said I to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my sun. I hope u will see my hole story and late me first time I am now ending this fastly. May God blast you?" 5. New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______a Jack Daniels on the rocks ______a Margarita ______a Scotch and soda ______a Jim Beam on the rocks ______a Vodka and Orange Juice ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a Bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate ______Sex it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.


When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had. Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________ I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. (Sounds like my kind of Nursing Home.) Something to think about. "Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well

dance!" "The form of an object be what it may, -- light, shade and perspective will always make it beautiful"

(This one is a contribution of one of the inhabitants of Planet 77 who made life Beautiful with wit wisdom and fun)

6. Vitamins for Laughter....Stress Busters…

Q: Why men walk more and women talk more? A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips! <THAT'S A WARM UP ONE>

Wives r Incoming Calls Lovers r Outgoing Calls Aunties r Tollfree Calls Callgirls r Roaming Calls Neighbour Girls r Missed Calls <DON'T WORRY READ ON IT GETS BETTER> A man stands nude in front of a mirror and examins himself n says: 2 inches more & I'll be a king.


His wife sitting behind says:2 inches less & you'll be a queen Why do women wear flowered panties? A: Cuz its their way of saying, 'In memory of those who were buried here! A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the Very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “ I have a questions to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’ She answers, “ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I am sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”. She responds,”Well, let’s see what we can do about that; # 1 you have to be single # 2 you must be catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘ yes, I’m single and catholic”. “OK” the nun says, ‘Pull into the next alley.” She fulfills his fantasy with the best kiss of his life. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,”, said the nun, “why are you crying?”. “Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and must confess that I ‘m married and a Jewish.” The nun says,”That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to Halloween party.” 3 guys were introduced 2 a girl, hi I'm Peter not a saint, hi I'm Paul not a pope, I'm John not a baptist, the girl said hi! I'm Mary not a virgin! Wife asked her husband how many women he had slept with. Husband proudly replies, only you darling, with others I was awake!!!

7. Dhaba Delights -----That is confidence.

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his

telephone rang. "Hello, Mr. Bush!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is


Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab . I am ringing to inform

you that we are officially declaring the war on you!" "Well, Gurmukh," Bush

replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army" "Right now," said

Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my

next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara.

That makes eight" Bush paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one

million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Arrey O! Main kya.."

said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the

next day. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves

airborne.... .. We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns,

sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from

Malpur have joined us as well!" Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his

throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000

fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-

air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO

MILLION!" "Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure

enough, Gurmukh called again the next day. "Kiddan, Mr.Bush! I am sorry to tell

you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Bush.

"Why the sudden change of heart" "Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long

chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million

prisoners of wars!" NOW THAT'S CALLED CONFIDENCE..

Bhangra Special – Dhaba Dialogue

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar : Punjab .

Boss : which part?

Sardar : Kya which part? Whole body born in punjab.

2 sardars were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.


Sardar 1: What is the name of your car? Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts

with "T". Sardar 2: Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi

petrol se start hoti hai.

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why you are

removing a wheel from your auto. sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only

for 2 wheelers.

Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10

/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss

was happy and asked what you did till evening. Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were

not in order, so I made it all right.

On a romantic day Sardar's girlfriend asks him “Darling on our engagement day will

you give me a ring.” Sardar :”Ya sure, from landline or mobile?”

Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before

you die? Patient : Yes. A good doctor

How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ? Simple. Just knock the door and

they will open it.... Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Banta: Thank God! I thought it was a new one.

A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.

In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run? Santa:

Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .... Inteviewer shouts: Stop it. Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Banta: U cheated me. Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u. Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!

8. Doubt Cleared

Jack and Max are attending a religious service.

Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"


So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, " Priest, may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our

religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, " Priest,may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son, by all means."

(Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask).

9. Classes For Men A man's guide on how to live with women...

WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything)

is proud to announce the opening of its Evening Classes For Men!

[Note: Due to the Complexity and Difficulty Level of Their Content, Each Course Will Accept a Maximum of 8 Participants Each...

Day 1

Topic 1 - How to Fill up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Topic 2 - Toilet Paper Rolls: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round Table Discussion.

Topic 3 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Topic 4 - After-dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the

Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.

Topic 5 - Empty Milk Cartons: Do they belong in the fridge or the bin? Group

discussion and role play

Topic 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.


Topic 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting with Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside down While Screaming. Open Forum.

Day 2

Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful to Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tape.

Topic 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? Driving

Simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to Live With Adults: Basic Differences Between Mother and

Wife. Online Class and Role Playing.

Topic 12 - How to Be the Ideal Shopping Companion: Relaxation Exercises,

Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Topic 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries,

Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock

Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Topic 14 - Getting Over It: Learning how to live with being wrong all the time.

Individual counselors available.

*** Upon Completion of the Course Diplomas Will Be Issued to the Survivors.


10. Women Empowerment…..

Computer Women

1. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.

2. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you

can't live without her.

3. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for

only your basic needs.

4. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is

exciting, colourful, and lots of fun.

5. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.

6. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need

her.

7. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very

beautiful.

8. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.

9. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

10. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she

shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to

uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.


Cold Hearted Women @ The Pearly Gates

[Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died...] 1st woman: ?I froze to death.?

2nd woman: ?How horrible.?

1st woman: ?It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get

warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you??

2nd woman: ?I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was

cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all

by himself in the room watching TV.?

1st woman: ?So what happened??

2nd woman: ?I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I

started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and

down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all

the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every where, and finally I became so

exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.?

1st woman: ?Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both be alive...?

How Blonde Was She?

* At the bottom of an application where it says ?Sign here? she wrote

?Sagittarius.?

* She had a shirt that said ?TGIF,? which she thought stood for ?This Goes In

Front.?

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said

?Concentrate.?


* She studied for a blood test.

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She told me to meet her at the corner of ?WALK? and ?DON'T WALK.?

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* Under ?education? on her job application, she put ?Hooked On Phonics.?

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, ?Airport Left? - she

turned around and went home.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.

Male Refund

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report her

husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, ?He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic

build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.?

The next-door neighbor protested, ?Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald,

has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.?

The wife replied, ?Yeah, but who wants HIM back??


Menopause Jewelry

My husband isn't happy with my mood swings.

The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Brittany Speers - a Hooter?

Q: What do you get when you cross an owl with Brittany Speers? A: Who cares!

Scented Owl

Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with an owl? A: A bird that smells but doesn't give a hoot.

Dyslexic Smiley (:

High Flying Blonde Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the

airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he

could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could

instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly.

She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio.

Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly - it skimmed the top of


some trees and crash landed in the woods.

The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

The Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What

happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."

Wife's Remote Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to

purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her

purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him."

Blonde’s Year In Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... "duh"... bottles won't fit in a typewriter.

March - Got excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out. May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. June - Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition... learned later, other swimmers cheated - they used their arms.


August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm... car swamped, because top was down. September - Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is "C"... isn't it? October - Hate M&M's... they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108. December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the phone.

11.Elephant Circumcision

Did you hear about the guy who had a job circumsizing elephants? The pay was lousy but the tips were big.

12. Even Kids have their say…..

Cure for Child Abuse

At a child custody hearing, the Judge asked Little Johnny, ?would you like to stay

with your sister??

?No,? Little Johnny replied. ?She beats me when I get home from school.?

Then the Judge asked Little Johnny, ?then would you like to stay with your

mother??

Little Johnny answered, ?No ? she?s even worse! She beats me all the time.?

Finally, the Judge asked, ?Well, who would you like to stay with??

?I?d like to stay with the Vancouver Canucks.?

?Why the Vancouver Canucks?? ?Because they can?t beat any one.?

Toy Prayers

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the

two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began

praying at the top of his lungs. ?I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE? I PRAY FOR A


NEW NINTENDO? I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR??

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, ?Why are

you shouting your prayers? God isn?t deaf.?

To which the little brother replied, ?No, but Grandma is!?

Sharing Your Faith - Kindergarten Perspective

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her

students to bring something related to their family's faith to class. At the

appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest

of the students.

The first child said, ?I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug.?

The second child said, ?I am Jewish and this is my Star of David.?

The third child said, ?I am Catholic and this is my rosary.? The final child said, ?I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish.?

Kids In Church

3-year-old Ryan: ?Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.?

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to

him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the

sand. ?Daddy, what happened to him?? the son asked. ?He died and went to

Heaven,? the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, ?Did God

throw him back down??

A little boy, overheard praying, ?Lord, if you can?t make me a better boy, don?t

worry about it. I?m having a real good time like I am.?


13. Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing But...

Q: When is a retiree's bedtime?

A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it might take all day.

Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

A: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

A: Tied shoes.

Q: Why do retirees count pennies?

A: They are the only ones who have the time.

Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

A: NUTS!

Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store

stuff there.

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?

A: Normal.

Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?

A: The never ending Coffee Break.

Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?


A: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he

used to work with?

A: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

14. Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch

while others do the work.

They are called ?Spec Taters?.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way

others do the work.

They are called ?Comment Taters?.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to

soil their own hands.

They are called ?Dick Taters?.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with

them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

They are called ?Agie Taters?.

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to

actually doing the promised help.

They are called ?Hezzie Taters?.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.

They are called ?Immy Taters?.

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are

always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They


bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called ?Sweet Po Taters?.

15. Health Tips for Fat Friends

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on

exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you

live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it

faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And

what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient

mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef

is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can

give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they

take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that

way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have

two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,

they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be

doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-

good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Arkansas Cure For Terminal Illness

A fellow went for a checkup to his family physician. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave the man the bad news, ?

I'm sorry, but you only have 6 months to live?

Obviously the man was shocked. He replied, "Please Doc, give me some advice!?

?Well,? the doctor said, ?here is what I would do. First off, I would move to

Arkansas. Then I would buy a hog farm. Finally, I would marry a 350 lb. woman.?

Looking perplexed, the man replied ?Doc, how in the world will that help??

The doctor answered, ?Well, I don't know how much it will help your illness, but it will be the longest 6 months of your life!?

16. Overnight Entertainment for Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a

bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he wanted to try one of the pills.


His son said, ?I don't think you should take one, Dad, they're very strong and very

expensive.?

?How much?? asked Grandpa.

?$10 a pill,? answered the son.

?I don't care," said Grandpa, ?I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in

the morning I'll put the money under the pillow.?

The next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said ?I told you each pill was $10, not $110.? ?I know," said Grandpa. ?The hundred is from Grandma.?

17. Are You OLD?

8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".

Neighbors borrow your tools.

Others ask for your recipes.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 AM is indigestion.

The phone rings and you hope its not for you.

The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.

You answer a question with "... Because I said so!"

You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You don't like to drive after dark.

You don't remember when you got that mole... or the one next to it.

You enjoy watching the News.

You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.

You point out what buildings used to be where.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You rake the yard without being told to.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

You routinely check the oil in your car.


You say the words, "Turn that music down!"

You start Christmas shopping in August.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You write ?Thank You? notes without being told.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

Your car has four doors. You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style - TWICE.

18. Asylum Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion

was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

?Well,? said the Director, ?we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup

and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.?

“Oh, I understand”, said the visitor, “A normal person would use the bucket

because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No”, said the Director, “a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?”

19. Letters………….

Computerholic?s ?Dear John?

Dear John,

I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will

be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know

what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years

ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has


developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school

project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back

of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She

is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the

whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the

fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover

that it really is more fun. Lars - I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has

taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that

you don't mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make

you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring,

but I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in

the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother.

Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a

ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of

thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring

your meals to your desk - just the way you like it. I hope you and your computer

have a lovely time while we are gone.

Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are

booting.

Love, Mary


Redneck Letter - from Mom to Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did

when you first left. Your father read in the paper that most accidents happen

within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address

'cause the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so

they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the

chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt

Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons,

so we cut 'em off and put them in the pockets.

Your father has a new job with several hundred people under him. He cuts the lawn

at the cemetery.

About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a

girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on

Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday -

some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We

cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

The neighbors next door have started to keep pigs. We just got wind of it this

morning.

Your father took me to the doctor's the other day. The doctor put a small tube in

my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father tried to buy it

from him.


It only rained twice last week. Once for three days, then for four days. It was so

windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two

in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back

couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time,

nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love, Your Mama P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed

20. Ala Carte……..

Diatribe 4U

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough

sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it...)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to

create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt

blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy...) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The

female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (?Honey, I'm home. What....?!?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length

of a football field.


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that...) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too...) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer...) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?) Midget Fortune Teller

Police today put out an all-points bulletin for a midget fortune teller escaped from

jail: ?We have a small medium at large.?

Sewing Machine For Sale - Cheap Love Not Included

[These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days... the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...]

MONDAY ?For sale - SK Sharath has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 255-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.? TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in SK Sharath's ad yesterday. It should have read,


?One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 255-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.? WEDNESDAY Notice: SK Sharath has informed us that he has received several annoying

telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The

ad stands correct as follows:

?For sale - SK Sharath has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 255-0707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him.? THURSDAY Notice: I, SK Sharath, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call

255-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.

DNA Genes

Q: What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

A: Do these genes make my butt look fat?

21. Computer Nerd T-Shirt Slogans

<-------- The information went data way --------

11th Commandment - Covet not thy neighbour's system.

2 + 2 = 5 for Extremely Large values of 2.

?640K ought to be enough for anybody.? - Bill Gates, 1981

A computer's attention span is as long as it's Power Cord.

Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!

All computers wait at the same speed.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSII...

Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.


Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...

Best file compression around: "DEL" = 100% COMPRESSION

BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd Down, 4th Quarter, 5 Yards to Go!

Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster.

C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand In The corner.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

COMPUTER UPGRADE: Take old bugs out... Put New Ones In.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

E Pluribus Modem

E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

Error? Impossible! My Modem is Error Correcting. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to Continue.

Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the Etherbunny.

File not found. Should I Fake It? (Y/N)

Go ahead, make my data!

Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

If all else fails: joe-ks.com

Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Press any key... no, No, NO!!! Not THAT one!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...


Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

The name is Baud... James Baud.

Ultimate office automation: Networked Coffee.

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

Who's General Failure & why is he reading My disk? Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

22. Cowboy’s Secret to Living a Long Life

A tough old Albertan Cowboy told his grandson if he wanted to live a long life, the

secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The

grandson did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93.

When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

23. Bites…..

Restaurant Reservation

A native Indian walked into the restaurant and asked to be seated.

The Maitre d' asked if he had a reservation. The Indian replied, "No, but I'll eat here anyway."

Ukrainian Sausage

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Ukrainian sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Ukrainian?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I

had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked

for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a


kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco

would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, I probably wouldn't."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, ?Well, all right then, why did

you ask me if I'm Ukrainian just because I ask for Ukrainian sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Time To Pull The Plug?

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room. He said to her, ?Just so you

know? I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and

fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug??

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer?

24. New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

[Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point?] - Break at least one traffic law.

- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows

tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

- Create loose ends.

- Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

- Don't eat cloned meat.

- Don't have eight children at once.

- Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

- Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.


- Focus on the faults of others.

- Gain weight. At least 40 pounds.

- Get further in debt.

- Get in a whole NEW rut!

- Get more toys.

- Mope about your own faults.

- Never make New Year's resolutions again.

- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

- Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.

- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

- Read less. Makes you think.

- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

- Spend more time at work, surfing the web @ joe-ks.com.

- Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.

- Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

- Start being superstitious.

- Stop bringing lunch from home - eat out more.

- Stop exercising. Waste of time.

- Take a vacation to someplace important - like to see the world's largest ball of

twine.

- Wait for opportunity to knock. - Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

25. MATHEMATICS………

Chocolate Math for 2006

[This is pretty neat how it works out... DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST... It takes less than a minute... Work this out as you read... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out...] 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have

chocolate (try for more than once but less than 10) ...

2. Multiply this number by 2 ...


3. Add 5 ...

4. Multiply it by 50. I'll wait while you get the calculator ................

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756; If you haven't, add

1755 ...

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born ...

You should have a three digit number ...

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to

have chocolate each week) ...

The next two numbers equal .............

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES IT IS!!!!!)

... check out for Chocolate Math - Excel Spreadsheet to prove it for yourself...

Phone Number Magic Trick

[Grab a calculator - you won't be able to do this one in your head?] 1. Key in the first three digits of your 7-digit phone number (NOT the area code);

2. Multiply by 80;

3. Add 1;

4. Multiply by 250;

5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number;

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again;

7. Subtract 250;

8. Divide number by 2.

What you have is your phone number? Not sure, eh? Prove it with this Phone Math Trick Excel Spreadsheet

26. Harvard Reading Test

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The


average person over 50 years of age can't do it! 1. This is this cat

2. This is is cat

3. This is how cat

4. This is to cat

5. This is keep cat

6. This is an cat

7. This is old cat

8. This is fart cat

9. This is busy cat

10. This is for cat

11. This is forty cat

12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on...

27. Marriage………..

Prince Charles - Marriage Warning

YEAR: 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

YEAR: 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

Perfect Divorce

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The

wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at

her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for

twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her

speed to 45 mph.

"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having

an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly

increases the speed to 55.

The husband confidently says, "I want the house." The wife knows he has the skill

to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car veers towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes the husband nervous,

so he asks her: "Is there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I

need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag.”


28. X-Factor Sudoku Puzzle- Diatribe du Jour

1. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

2. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

3. A duck?s quack doesn?t echo, and no one knows why.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down

continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself

to death.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each

salad served in first-class.

6. Apples (not caffeine) are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

7. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because

passing wind in a space suit damages it.

8. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made

of wood.

9. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.

10. Celery has negative calories - it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery

than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

11. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying

12. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a

small sized dog.

13. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet

away from a toilet to avoid airborne

particles resulting from the flush (? thinking about leaving your toothbrush in the

living room now?).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Donkeys kill more people annually than plan crashes.

16. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often

stolen from Public Libraries.

17. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You

also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change

for a dollar.

18. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ? but not downstairs.


19. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

20. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the

same time ? the beginning of multi-tasking. Leonardo Da Vinci also invented

scissors, and it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

21. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

22. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

23. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

24. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

25. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

26. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

27. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach

from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

28. Pearls melt in vinegar.

29. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

30. The dot over the letter ?i? is called a "tittle".

31. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer (? so did the first

Marlboro Man).

32. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for

automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola,

so they called themselves Motorola. The person behind all these was was William

Lear who, after the car radio made him a wealthy man, went on to develop both the

8 track tape player and the Lear Jet.

33. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley?s gum.

34. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified Kosher.

35. The King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache.

36. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

37. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a

recorded Wendy before.

38. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated

that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

39. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

40. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and

Budweiser, in that order.


41. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

42. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and

silver.

43. Turtles can breathe through their butts.

44. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time

when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters

were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case'

letters.

45. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise (? since Venus is normally

associated with women, what does this tell you?).

46. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

47. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

48. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

29. THANKSGIVING

Thanksgiving During Biblical Times

[Ways Thanksgiving might have gone down during Biblical Times...] 7. Terrible chariot jams on the way to Grandma's house;

6. Young Israelite boys with slingshots shooting at the giant inflatable Caesar

balloons which highlight every Phatama's Thanksgiving day parade (Phatama, a

holiday tradition for 60 years);

5. You think 4 days of turkey leftovers get old? Imagine roasting a camel... ?Would

you like the hump or a leg??;

4. No meal would be complete without an appetizer tray consisting of kumquat dip,

those little round sausages that everybody likes but don't know what they're

called, and Kentucky fried dove;


3. Ahkmed Seltzer, helping heartburn sufferers for 3 score and 7 years;

2. Men bonding after dinner while watching rip roaring gladiator games on TV; and

1. Women suddenly having the urge to go to the Jerusalem manufacturers' marketplace the next day.

Redneck Thanksgiving

How to tell if you're celebrating a Redneck Thanksgiving - If... You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal. You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.


30.STARTERS…

Handy French Phrases If You're Traveling Abroad

Ou sont les pompiers? - Where are the firemen?

Avez-vous un extincteur? - Do you have a fire extinguisher?

A quelle heure est le couvre-feu? - What time is the curfew?

Pourquoi brulez- vous ma voiture? - Why are you burning my car?

Avez-vous du feu pour allumer mon cocktail molotov? - Do you have a light for my petrol bomb?

Veuillez br?ma Citroen parce que c'est de la merde. - Please burn my Citroen because it's crap.

Ma belle citroen est en feu! - My beautiful Citroen car is on fire!

Ne soyez pas idiot ! la merde ne br?as! - don't be daft! Crap doesn't burn!

Vous avez bris-a voiture et avez br?a maison et mon chien, mais pourquoi avez vous pas tu-a femme laide avec ses aisselles velues? - You smashed my car and burned my house and my dog, but why didn't you finish off my ugly wife with her hairy armpits?

Lost Dental Plate

Newspaper Ad: ?Lost - one upper dental plate by an alumnus in the vicinity of Psi Upsilon. Finder return to Psi U asth thoon asth pothible.?

Bird Flu Symptoms


The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you

experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Best Man At A Wedding

The trouble with being best man at a wedding is that you get no chance to prove it.

Neighbour Trap

Little Johnny visited a neighbour?s house.

?Can I see your trap??

?What trap? I don?t know what you mean,? said the neighbour. Little Johnny replied, ?The one my Dad says you can?t keep shut.?

Prunes & Holy Water

Q: What do you get when you mix holy water and prune juice? A: A religious movement.

Lose Weight by Horseback Riding

A man, trying to lose weight, took up horseback riding.

In the first week, the horse lost ten pounds.

Farm Equipment Signs


Farm Equipment Dealership: ?We stand behind all of our implements except the

manure spreader.? ... click here for the rest of the Business Signs ...

Religious-Based Divorce

Did you hear about the divorce that was based on religious grounds? The wife worshipped money and the husband didn't have any.

Poker Chips & Quips

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your porch?

A: Pay him for the Pizza!

Q: How can you tell a poker player is lying?

A: His chips are moving.

Q: Heard of the Los Angeles poker hand?

A: Four Clubs beat a King

Q: What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?

A: In about ten years the dog quits whinning.

There are TWO rules for ultimate success in poker:

1. Never tell everything you know.

Heard about the guy playing poker with tarot cards?

31. You Might Be A Texan If...

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San

Antonio, Mexia, Waco, Beaumont and Amarillo.


2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the

distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.

11. You refer to the capital of Texas as "home of the Longhorns."

12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn't really raise chickens, it raised Aggies.

13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop,

each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know that "Damnyankee" is one word.

21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same

store.

22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

26. You actually like these joe-ks and are fixin' to send them to your friends.


27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like "rare" or "well

done".

28. You never use the word "veggies".

29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.

30. You are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:

"You wanna coke?"

"Yeah."

"What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

31. Remembrance Day Sudoku Puzzles: Lest We '4-Get'

'One Drink A Day' Schedule

The doctor ordered his patient to have not more than one drink a day.

The next week the patient reported that he was following orders and was up to March, 2010.

Memory Challenge for a Politician

Politician #1: ?Gentlemen, I wish to tax your memory.? Politician #2: ?Why didn't I think of that??

Veggie Tale

A woman claimed to be a vegetarian ? she ran the vegetables through the cow, and then ate the cow.

Second Opinion Surgeon


Mrs. Harris visited a surgeon to be examined for her pain. The surgeon looked her

over and said, ?You need an operation.?

Mrs. Harris thought it over and then said, ?I?d like a second opinion.?

?O.K.,? replied the surgeon. ?You don?t need an operation.?

Grace In A Low Voice

A man was saying grace in a low voice.

Somebody at the table said, ?I can't hear you.? The man replied, ?I wasn't talking to you.?

An Old Farmer's Advice

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it

a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.


* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you

from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad

judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody

else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

More 'Daffynitions'

Gentleman Farmer: One who has more hay in the bank thank in the barn.

Goblet: A male turkey.

Marriage: The only war where you sleep with the enemy.

Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.

Minute Man: A guy who can make it to the refrigerator, fix a sandwich and a beer,

and be back before the commercial is over.

Opera: Italian vaudeville where you get stabbed and, instead of bleeding, you sing.

Pigamist: A man who has more than one wife.

Practical Nurse: One who marries a rich patient. Secret: Something you tell to only one person at a time.

Best Years of a Woman's Life

The ten best years of a woman's life are between 28 and 30.


More 'Signs of the Times'

Apartment building sign: “No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby.”

Bar sign: “Lunch now being poured."

Chinese Laundry sign: “We don’t tear your clothes with clumsy machinery we do it

carefully by hand.”

Church sign: “You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, you can ignore

this notice.”

Divorce Lawyer’s door: ‘Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.’

Miss Piggy’s sign: ‘Never eat more than you can lift.’

Newspaper headline: ‘County officials talk rubbish.’

Plumber?s sign: ‘Do it yourself. Then call us before it’s too late.’

Psychiatrist advertisement: ‘A cure guaranteed or your mania back.’

Restaurant Diner sign: ‘Everything comes to him who orders hash.’

Restaurant Sign: ‘Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves.’

Scottish Golf Course sign: ‘Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until

they have stopped rolling.’

Teamwork sign: ‘Only dead fish swim with the stream.’

Truck sign: ‘Pass with care ‘ I chew tobacco.’

Orthopedic Surgeon sign: ‘Never accept a drink from a urologist.’ Taxidermist sign: ‘If called by a panther, don’t anther.’

32. FOR THE COMMERCIAL BREAK

Library’s No-Return Policy


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, ‘Get lost! You won’t bring it back.’

Second Choice Politician

‘Well,’ the little old lady finally admitted to the persistent politician, ‘you’re my

second choice.’

‘I’m honoured, ma’am,’ he gushed. ‘But may I ask ‘ who’s your first’’

‘Oh,’ she said casually, ‘anybody else who’s running.’

Quaker Spinster

An attractive Quaker spinster was asked by a member of her meeting group,

‘Agnes, how is it that thee never married’’

Agnes smiled at the questioner and replied, ‘Well, thee knows, it takes a mighty

good husband to be better than none.’

Moojita Scale

[The Fujita Scale measures the power of tornados. But do you know what those twisters do to COWS’ Here's the 'MOOJITA Scale'...] M0 Tornado - Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and

become mildly annoyed.

M1 Tornado - Cows are tipped over and can't get up.

M2 Tornado - Cows begin rolling with the wind.

M3 Tornado - Cows tumble and bounce.

M4 Tornado - Cows are AIRBORN.

M5 Tornado - S T E A K.

33.Little Tales


Little Johnny at the PTA Meeting

Five first graders marched out on the stage to welcome everyone at the PTA

meeting. Each child carried a letter to make up the word, ‘Hello.’ All took their

correct positions except for Little Johnny who carried the letter O. He couldn’t

remember where to stand.

He paused for a few minutes at the back of the stage, much to everyone’s

amusement. But he really brought down the house when he finally decided he belonged at the head of the group.

Deacon Funeral

A Minister was conducting the funeral of a Deacon. In his eulogy, he pointed to the

corpse and declared that the soul had left. ‘What you see here is just the shell ‘ the nut has departed.’

Horse Swallower

A man insisted to his psychiatrist that he had swallowed a horse. None of the

doctor’s persuasive tactics could persuade him to change his mind. In desperation,

the psychiatrist agreed to ‘operate.’ The idea was simply to put the patient under

and bring a horse into the operating room.

When the patient came to, the doctor pointed to the horse and said, ‘Well, that

won’t worry you any more.’

‘That’s not the one I swallowed,’ he said. ‘That’s a bay. My horse was white.’

A Good Sermon - On Average

The average man’s idea of a good sermon is one that goes over his head ‘ and hits one of his neighbours.


You Owe It To Your Customers

It was a Monday morning and the Jewish salesman still had to make his first sale.

Lately business was terrible.

He talked his first customer into selecting merchandise to the value of $200. The

customer said, ‘Sorry, I can’t take this order as I’ve only got $100 with me.’

The salesman was so anxious to make the sale that he said, ‘You look like a man who

would keep his word. Why don’t you take the merchandise and solemnly promise to

owe me the rest.’

The customer agreed.

Three months later, the salesman began to try to collect the balance.

The debtor wrote a letter saying, ‘When I paid you the $100, you made me promise

to owe you the balance. I’m trying to keep my word and owe you. Why are you trying so hard to make me break my word’’

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she

briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that’" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid

rises - and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and


demands an explanation.

‘Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order’"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

‘Ah... so sorry," says the waiter. "I bring you Peeking Duck."

34. Innovate your vocabulary.

Mensa Invitational - Letter Game

[The Washington Post's "Mensa Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter to create a new word, and then to supply an appropriate definition for the new word. Here are some recent winners...] The top winning entries:

ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: The frantic dance performed just after you've

accidentally walked through a spider web.

BEELZEBUG: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at

three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

BOZONE: The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from

penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in

the near future.

CASHTRATION: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially

impotent for an indefinite period.

CATERPALLOR: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're

eating.

DECAFALON: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things


that are good for you.

DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come

at you rapidly (usually after a few drinks).

FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining

sex.

GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.

HIPATITIIS: Terminal coolness.

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund from the IRS, which lasts until

you realize it was your money to start with.

KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad

vibes, right’ And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially

impotent for an indefinite period of time.


Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.

Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was

your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from

penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in

the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic

wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,

right’ And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n): The grueling event of! getting through the day consuming only

things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at

you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally


walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at

three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

35. Caddy Quotes

Golfer: ‘I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.’

Caddy: ‘I doubt you could keep your head down that long.’

Golfer: ‘I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.’ Caddy: ‘Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.’

Golfer: ‘Well, I have never played this badly before!’

Caddy: ‘I didn't realize you had played before, sir.’

Golfer: ‘Caddy, do you think my game is improving’’ Caddy: ‘Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.’

Golfer: ‘Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!’ Caddy: ‘This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!’

Golfer: ‘Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday’’ Caddy: ‘The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week.’

Golfer: ‘This golf is a funny game.’ Caddy: ‘It's not supposed to be.’

Golfer: ‘That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.’


Caddy: ‘It's a long time since we started, sir.’

Golfer: ‘Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron’’ Caddy: ‘Eventually.’

Golfer (screaming): ‘You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!’ Caddy: ‘I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!’

36. Brick Placement: How To Recruit Employees

[Does your company have a problem in recruiting the right guy for the right position? Try this simple experiment to place your employees where they belong...] Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open

window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave

them alone, come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the bricks - Put them in Accounts Dept.

If they are wrongly counting the bricks - Put them in Stores Dept.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - Put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - Put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other - Put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping - Put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces - Put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle - Put them in Human Resource Dept.

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - Put them in Materials Dept.

If they are clinging on to the bricks - Put them in Treasury.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - Put

them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day - Put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window - Put them in Shipping.

If they are searching for defects - Put them in Quality Control.

If they are talking to each other and not a brick has been moved - Put them in Top Management...


37. Tits and Bits

How To Treat A Girl

One girl to another: ?What I?m looking for is a man who will treat me as if I was a voter and he was a candidate.?

My Dad Works With Snakes

Two little girls were discussing their fathers. One, boasting, said, "My daddy is a

dentist."

"That's nothing," replied the other. "My daddy is a civil serpent."

Psychiatrist's Early Opinion

A patient complained to his Psychiatrist that he was always forgetting things.

"What shall I do?" "Pay me in advance," the Psychiatrist advised.

Ten Dollar Sermon

During Sunday services the minister told his congregation, ?Today I?ve prepared a

fifty dollar sermon, a twenty dollar sermon and a ten dollar sermon.?

After a brief pause, he continued: ?We will now take up the collection and see which one it will be.?

X-Ray Wedding

As the X-Ray specialist walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows with a former patient, someone whispered, ?I wonder what he saw in her??


When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: (1) before marriage; (2) after marriage.

38. Laws of the Natural Universe

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of

the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it

will.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible


corner.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone

rings.

39. New Drugs For Women

A N T I B O Y O T I C S

When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades,

freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.

A N T I T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their

life stories with total strangers in elevators.

B U Y A G R A

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and

credit

limit of spending spree.

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

D U B M E R O L (or for non-Joe-ksters: D U M B E R O L ) When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment


of

country music and pickup trucks.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how

awful

they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to

flip

off other drivers.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary,

phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as,

"You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

N A G A M E N T

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as

nagging him.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening

out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

S E X C E D R I N

More effective than Excedrin in treating the "Not now, Dear, I have a headache"

syndrome.


ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious

for

up to two days.

Send these to any woman who needs a good laugh - and any man who can handle it...

40. Best Joke by an Indian

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

An MBA and a CA go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep. Some hours later, the CA wakes his MBA friend. " look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?".

The MBA ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of

galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

The CA is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Practically...Someone has stolen! our tent".


41. The Friendship Ball

! A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me. Today I pass the friendship ball to you. Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you. MY OATH TO YOU... When you are sad.....I will dry your tears. When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears. When you are worried.....I will give you hope. When you are confused.....I will help you cope. And when you are lost....And can't see the light, I shall be your beacon.....Shining ever so bright. This is my oath.....I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?.....Because you're my friend. Signed: GOD INSTANTLY WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU ARE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU! CAN U MAKE A DIFFERENCE ???*_

42. Nagging wife and a Bathroom Test

Nagging Wife

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.While they were

there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband"You can have her

shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The

undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it

would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


The Bathtub test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug of the drain to let the water out. Now, do you want a bed near the window?"!!

43. SCRAMBLED WORDS ( Clever ! )

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:


When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :

When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay

too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!


44. YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN POST 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't

have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home

to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or

30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and

get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

45. How to identify Places in India Scenario 1 Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right. You are in Kolkata!! Scenario 2


Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on. That's Mumbai. Scenario 3 Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up. That's Delhi. Scenario 4 Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai-stall. That's Ahmedabad. Scenario 5 Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program. Of course thatÃ¢â'¬â"¢s Bangalore! Scenario 6 Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in. That's Chennai. Scenario 7 Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are DEFINITELY IN HARYANA Scenario 8 Two guys are fighting and the third, fourth, fifth one joins in. Finally two political parties are fighting. You are DEFINITELY IN BIHAR


46. Marketing concepts interestingly explained at IIM(A) (Indian Institute of Management Ahmedabad) You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich.Marry him." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi,I'm very rich.Marry me." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich.." That's Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and say, "I'm rich.Marry me" She gives you a nice hard Slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback !!!!!


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. That's Demand and supply gap. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" she turns her face towards you ------------ she is your wife ! That's competition eating into your market share 47. In praise of Idli …Dosa…..when you cross 47….. While a Bangalorean is willing to experiment quite a bit with food, the regular idli,

dosa, bisi bele bath will never ever go out of style. Case in point is the runaway

success of Om Murugan Idli shop in Koramangala. Buoyed by the triumph,

proprietors Vasudevan and Prema Jayakumar have started another branch on the Krishna Temple Road at Indiranagar.

Interesting variety

Though you could an interesting variety of dosas at the restaurant, the USP of the

spic and span eatery is the Madurai style snowy white, fluffy idlis. Vasudevan says

the secret of the soft idlis is the rice that is brought all the way from Salem.

More than 800 plates are served with three kinds of chutney — coconut, mint and

tomato — everyday. Other kind of idlis include mini idlis (10 of which float in sambar topped with ghee) and podi idlis (plain idlis smeared with chutney podi made

of urad dal and curry leaves and mixed with gingili oil). These can be eaten with

crisp udin vadas. The idlis are served from 7 a.m. to noon and from 3 p.m. to 10.30 p.m.

Lunch is served on plantain leaves and includesrice, sambar, rasam, papad, puli

kolumbu (tamarind), mooru kolumbu (curd), poriyal, kootu and payasam. The dessert

is different everyday. The menu also includes pongal, topped with cashew nuts,

whole pepper and ghee, Sakkare Pongal — made out of rice, jaggery, milk, ghee and cashew nuts.


Rava kichidi is another popular dish with rava, beans, carrots and tomatoes. The

dosa platter offers 50 varieties. Every day, there is a special like malli masala, pudina or mushroom masala.

Must-haves in this section include the ulli uttapam (with small onions), the village

uttapam (with onions, tomatoes and idli podi) or the bread masala dosa — where the dosa is stuffed with bread pieces, onions and tomatoes.

For children there is the choco dosa. The plain dosa comes smeared with chocolate

paste! Along with these you can also savour the kothu paratha or the veechu

paratha. Then there is the kuli paniyaram, which comes in sweet as well as savoury options.

The special dishes include the palak cheese dosa and the Murugan Special, where you get three dosas — palak, onion and podi.

The authentic flavour is courtesy Vasudevan's mother who prepares the masalas

back in their village in Tamil Nadu. The restaurant with its 150 item-strong menu undertakes catering orders too.

Om Murugan Idly shop is at 421/2, Krishna Temple Road, Indiranagar, 1st Stage and can be contacted on 080-55349941.

Ambience: Simple Service: Fast

48. For Healthy Living…

i. Eat slowly; chew your food well

It takes 20 minutes before your stomach sends a clear message to your brain that

you're full.

If you take the time to chew your food well, you will find?you end up eating less.

Ideally, you should have?smaller, frequent meals as opposed to?larger, infrequent

ones.


ii. Eat more

If you want to lose weight, starving yourself does not help -- you need to eat well.

Surprised? Here's the explanation: When your body doesn't receive the required

nutrients, your metabolism slows down. Metabolism is the rate at which you burn

calories while resting. So, if you don't eat enough, fewer calories will be burnt

and?there will be less fat loss. You should eat small meals at regular intervals to

keep your energy levels high. Eat till you are satiated (at the same time, don't forget what we suggested in?Tip No 1).

iii. Eat less?red meat

Red meats are high in saturated fat and should be avoided by people with high

cholesterol.

Chicken and fish are the best meats to consume.

Fish is better than chicken because it has antioxidants. Antioxidants are organic

substances that?include vitamins C, E, A and carotenoids; carotenoids?add pigment

to some fruits and vegetables.?For instance, carrots wouldn't be orange without

them. Beta-carotenoid is the most popular of carotenoids. Antioxidants

help?prevent cancer, heart disease and stroke.

These meats can be baked, grilled or roasted. Frying will add unnecessary fat.

iv. Prevent constipation

Add fibre to your diet; this adds bulk to your food and?prevents constipation.

Whole grain foods like oatmeal, bran, wheat germ, brown rice, fruits (especially

with their skin), prunes (dried plums), etc, are all good sources of fibre. Home

remedies for constipation including the following:

Have guavas with the seeds.


Have honey in a glass of milk twice a day.

Have one tablespoon of corn syrup in a glass of water. Corn syrup is actually corn

starch, which is primarily glucose. It is used in making candies, jams and?jellies

because it does not crystallise like sugar. Corn syrup is available in any well-stocked supermarket.

v. Have onion and garlic

Onion decreases blood pressure and garlic decreases cholesterol. Any amount and

form of onion and garlic will give you the benefits of their properties, but a raw

garlic clove taken on an empty stomach in the morning is the best.

vi. Use less salt in your cooking

Use minimum amount of salt for cooking if you have high blood pressure. Salt also

causes water retention. This means?your body will retain water if it is not receiving

enough.

After all, it still has to carry on the normal functioning of the organs and, if you

are not drinking enough H2O, then the body starts keeping it.

Water being taken in other forms, such as, soups, dals, drinks, etc, is retained for later use. Bloating and puffiness are all signs of water retention.

vii. Have calcium-rich foods

Use skimmed or double-toned milk and milk products as these contain less fat.

Double-toned milk has lesser fat than toned or full cream milk.

In the non-packaged variety, cow's milk is just as good as skimmed milk; it is

definitely better than buffaloes' milk as the latter contains large amounts of fat. You should have between one and two glasses of milk a day.


Other sources of calcium and protein can be taken instead of milk, if one is allergic

to it. Calcium rich foods include almonds, figs, red kidney beans (rajma), mustard greens (sarson ka saag), etc. Proteins can be found in meats, sprouts, soya, dals, etc. viii. Switch from maida to whole grains

Replace maida products with whole grains, whole wheat, soya breads, etc, as these have a good amount of fibre; fibre helps in binding cholesterol, which helps in less production of bad cholesterol. Whole grain foods like oatmeal, bran, wheat germ and brown rice, fruits, especially with skins, prunes, etc, are all good sources of fibre. Too much fibre may cause loose stools, so you have to monitor your individual intake accordingly. Medically, approximately 25 gm of fibre a day is enough to help maintain your digestive system. A good indicator: four slices of brown bread contains five grams of fibre; so does one large banana or orange.

ix. Have foods that contain iron

These include red meats, especially liver, fruits like watermelon and pomegranate,

vegetables like spinach, beans, beets and broccoli, whole grains, dried fruits,

especially prunes, sunflower seeds, etc.

X. Relish the flavours

You may have heard some of these before. But the best good food habit, which we

all seem to overlook, is to actually taste and enjoy the flavour of the food with your emotions instead of just your tongue.?

X1. Consult your physician before attempting the above tips……


49. Great Management Lessons

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow,

and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and

forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he

asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky

Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of

Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours

later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a

McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate

shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,

M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it

like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.

I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you

there.

Lesson Number Three When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.” The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work"and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So The asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!


Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do. Lesson Number Four A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lesson: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

50. Philosophies …..for Life…..

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the

bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the

self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the

purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threaten to kill himself, is

it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?


14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone

will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to

remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

51. Why ARE Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People.

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.


You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is

just too icky

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.


Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy

reading it.

52. We can’t tell you.You are not a monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the

monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could

stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man

tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks

what the sound as, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some ears later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The

monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're

not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out

what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass


there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on

the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what

you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and

231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the

way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk

says, The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I

have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the

wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone

door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key

from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of

sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,

silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that

door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

. . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T HUNT ME DOWN COS I'M STILL HUNTING THE PERSON WHO SENT ME THIS

53. Test of Intelligence………


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her

what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with

intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking

them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question:

Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your

brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says,

"Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the

Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the

White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for

me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not

your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior

Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but

nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell

at the State Department and explains his problem.


"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and

this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the

answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

54. Puns & Reruns

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess

looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby

discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager

came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in

Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him

"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon

receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture


of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small

florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of

God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the

good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the

friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the

roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up

the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up

shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced

an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him

rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him

....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

55. Cycle of life

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their

own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached

spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel

nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to

put a few stitches in my son's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" The

nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a class-room and heard how

one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a

career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry,


they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the

cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find

themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick &tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying

over my children, but there was a new wrinkle there was nothing could do about it.

My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their

failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their

disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead

my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's warm

smile and her occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute

you get home. Are you depressed about something?" Can it be that parents are

sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a

torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is

concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me,"Where were

you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered.I was worried." I smiled a

warm smile. The torch has been passed. PASS IT ON TO OTHER PARENTS (and also to your children. That's the fun part)

56. “Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and

all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"


"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all,

he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,faster and will like to hunt and kill things.

I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be

witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch

Lord?"

"Well...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring... so you'll have to let him

believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman."

57. Late Discovery..

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop

programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a

river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in theSunday

market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell

in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the

woodcutter and the axe), he started

praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so

appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers.

The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river. As usual,


the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and

asked, "Is this your computer ?"

Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer

replied, "No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all

three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her,

"Don't you know that you're supposed to

show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid

donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the

Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!". So saying, she disappeared

with the Pentium!!

Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better keep

your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt

58. Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.


6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present

the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

59. Yuppie vs. Cowboy

Cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a

brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young

man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans

out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows

and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a Yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The Yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects

it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he

calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on this

location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area

in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital

photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image-processing faculty in


Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot

that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a

MS_SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds

of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his

Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he

prints out a full-color 150 page report on this hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and at last turns to the cowboy and says, "You have 572 calves"

"That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He

watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of this car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant.” says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here

even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now, give me back my dog."

60. NEW DRUGS FOR MEN

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual

prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving

the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72

percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a


control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to

actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered

this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to

see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy

their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two

days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than

your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing

clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn

off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back

into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D.

(Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail it's clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an

irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.

Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about

their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential

Strength versions.


61. How Men Think..

MANS PERSPECTIVE

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your

upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with

communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is

essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to

each

other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's

Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down

the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs

him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of

cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for

your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the

store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,

I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not

saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of


them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,

goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use

a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be

because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to

his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so

stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow

me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God

made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

62. Wise Talk

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger

turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights

will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to

the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me

ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The

same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat

patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that

is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to


discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit! ?"

63. Why We Love Kids -From the mouths of babes

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman

in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was

reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom!

That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

POLICE

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I

gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake began barking. I saw a little boy

staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I

replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally

he asked, "What'd he do?"

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his

mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily

those of his parents."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.

When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and

running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement, and then asked, "What's

the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used

to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of

old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs unfailingly intrigued her.

One day I found


her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the

inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy

will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad

donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why

not, darling?" he asked. "Because it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time,"

she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through

the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object

and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the

pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out. " What have you got there,

dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,

"I think it's Adam's underwear!"

64. THE CRACKED POT –Jewel of a Different Kind

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which

he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other

pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long

walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end

for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own

imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had


been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it

spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I

want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because

this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's

house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full

value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said,

"As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers

along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun

warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it

some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its

load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your

side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always

known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your

side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've

watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to

decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not

have this beauty to grace his house."

65. Hole Ting

Hole Ting

Hole Ting

Hole Ting

That's what my two-year-old says.

He has developed the habit of wanting it all.

My wife will often offer him a spoonful of food from her plate.


I will break off a piece of what I am eating and hand it to him.

He shakes his head.

He emphatically says, "Hole Ting."

He doesn't want a piece.

He doesn't want a spoonful.

He wants the whole thing.

I wondered, "Where did he get such behavior?"

Who taught him that?

Where did he pick it up?

Hole Ting?

Why didn't he want to share?

Why wasn't he satisfied with what was given to him?

Wasn't the piece sufficient?

The piece was plenty and he could get as many as he could eat.

Why did he want the whole thing?

Was he acting like a child or an adult?

As I watched other children, I saw that it was more innate for

children to want the whole thing.

They wanted the whole toy without sharing.

They wanted all of mama's attention.

They wanted the swing or the tricycle all of the time.

Hole Ting

Many of the conflicts and wars are over the same thing.

People don't want to share.

They want it all.

Hole Ting

It's not just for kids anymore.

66. The Suitcase

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he


had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to

heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An

angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with

you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The

man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and

informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and

places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of

Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But the man

explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the

Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are

allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it

through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too

precious to leave behind and exclaims,

"You brought pavement!?"

67. Between the break…………

Doesn’t Last

We often say that motivation doesn't last.

Well, neither does bathing,

that's why we recommend it daily.


But Dust

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned

face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was

listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her

shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Fishing

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to Go fishing up

in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be Gone for a week.

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could

you please pack

enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from

the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly

what her husband

asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The

wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of

Salmon, some Bluegill, and a

few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you

to do?"

You'll love the

answer...

.......

........

.........

........

.........


.........

The wife replied,

"I did... THEY'RE IN UR FISHING BOX.............

68. “PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!!" – What Travel Teaches …..

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must

be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited

from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their

reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to

undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or

piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and

deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first

time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that

even comes close to this?)


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but

may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be

killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time

this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her

daughter at the same time. (I

presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law? Who comes

up with these laws? )

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:

Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where

alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and

always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(Do you think they have bad breath?)

69. The Most Important Body Part – Lessons from a Mom

My mother used to ask me: "What is the most important part of the body?"

Through the years I would take a guess at what I thought was the correct answer.

When I was younger, I thought sound was very important to us as humans, so I

said, "My ears, Mommy." She said, "No Many people are deaf. But you keep


thinking about it and I will ask you again soon."

Several years passed before she asked me again. Since making my first attempt, I

had contemplated the correct answer. So this time I told her, "Mommy, sight is

very important to everybody, so it must be our eyes. She looked at me and told me,

"You are learning fast, but the answer is not correct because there are many

people who are blind."

Stumped again, I continued my quest for knowledge. Over the years, Mother asked

me a couple more times and always her answer was, "No, but you are getting

smarter every year, my child."

Then last year, my grandpa died. Everybody was hurt. Everybody was crying. Even

my father cried. I remember that especially because it was only the second time I

saw him cry. My Mom looked at me when it was our turn to say our final good-bye

to Grandpa.

She asked me,

"Do you know the most important body part yet, my dear?"

I was shocked when she asked me this now. I always thought this was a game

between her and me. She saw the confusion on my face and told me,

"This question is very important. It shows that you have really lived in your life.

For every body part you gave me in the past, I have told you was wrong and I have

given you an example why.But today is the day you need to learn this important

lesson."

She looked down at me as only a mother can. I saw her eyes well up with tears. She

said,

"My dear, the most important body part is your shoulder."


I asked, "Is it because it holds up my head?"

She replied, "No, it is because it can hold the head of a friend or a loved one when

they cry.

Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on sometime in life, my dear. I only hope that

you have enough love and friends that you will always have a shoulder to cry on

when you need it."

Then and there I knew the most important body part is not a selfish one. It is

sympathetic to the pain of others.

People will forget what you said...

People will forget what you did.... But people will NEVER forget how you made them feel.

70. THE WORLD IS MINE – Life is Beautiful

Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman.

And wished I were as beautiful.

When suddenly she rose to leave,

I saw her hobble down the aisle.

She had one leg and wore a crutch.

But as she passed, she passed a smile.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

I have two legs; the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy.

The lad who sold it had such charm.

I talked with him, he seemed so glad.

If I were late, it'd do no harm.

And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you,

you've been so kind.


It's nice to talk with folks like you.

You see," he said, "I'm blind."


I have two eyes; the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,

I saw a child I knew.

He stood and watched the others play,

but he did not know what to do.

I stopped a moment and then I said,

"Why don't you join them dear?"

He looked ahead without a word.

I forgot, he couldn't hear.


I have two ears; the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go.

With eyes to see the sunset's glow.

With ears to hear what I'd know.


I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

It's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be

thankful for

71. You’re Fired! – Best thing ever to happen

"You're fired." Some people let the phrase get to them. Others use it as a

launching pad to superstardom. In his book, "We're Fired...and It's the Best Thing

That Ever Happened to Us."


Harvey Mackay brings us some inspirational stories of rejects turned-celebrities.

Turns out the road to fame isn't so smooth.

Elvis Presley

The King got fired from a music studio in 1954. He was told, "You ain't goin'

nowhere, son. Go back and drive a truck." Tell that to the thousands of Elvis

impersonators who sing his tunes decades after his death.

Walt Disney

Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper for lack of ideas. The Walt Disney

Company, with its animated movies, theme parks, television stations and more, is

now a multibillion-dollar empire.

Joanne Kathleen (a.k.a. J.K.) Rowling

The author of the mega-popular Harry Potter books was canned from a secretarial

job after she got caught using the company computer to write creative stories.

She used her severance pay to write Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, using

grant money to finish it after she ran out of cash. The Harry Potter series became

a global craze and Rowling became a billionaire.

Lance Armstrong

The French cycling team Cofidis dropped Lance Armstrong after he began

treatment for testicular cancer in 1997 (with just a 50 percent chance of survival).

They even refused to pay his remaining salary or his medical bills. Big mistake.

Armstrong not only beat the cancer, but he also won a record sixth consecutive

Tour de France in 2004.

Larry King

Before he ruled CNN, Larry King wrote a column for the Miami Herald. The

Herald's editor fired him for being too chummy with his subjects. His way with

people paid off, though; few politicians or celebrities ever bypass "Larry King Live."

Burt Reynolds


"You can't act," Burt Reynolds was told when he was fired from one of his acting

jobs. He later became the No. 1 box office draw for five consecutive years.

Steve Jobs

He co-founded Apple Computer in his garage, and then got fired from his own

company. Jobs picked up the pieces and bought a majority share in Pixar in 1986.

Nine years later, he won an Oscar for Toy Story. In 1996, he was back at Apple.

Abraham Lincoln

Abe Lincoln failed in business 1831 and again in 1833. In the meantime, he ran for

state legislator and lost. His sweetheartdied in 1835, and he had a nervous

breakdown the next year. He lost the nomination to Congress in 1843, was

defeated again for Congress in 1848 and 1855 and lost the vice presidency of the

United States in 1856. Then he ran for Senator in 1858 and lost.

In 1860 Abe Lincoln was elected president of the United States. The rest is history.

72. That’s Why Mothers Are…………….

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the

airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they

hugged and the mother said "I love you and I wish you enough."

The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your

love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom." They kissed and the

daughter left.

The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could

see she wanted and needed to cry.

I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking "Did you

ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?".

"Yes, I have, "I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-


bye?".

"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is -

the next trip back will be for my funeral" she said.

"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say 'I wish you enough'. May I ask

what that means?".

She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other

generations. My parents used to say it to everyone".

She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and

she smiled even more.

"When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have

a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward

me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory --

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much

bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away.

73. You Think You Aren’t Good Enough

The next time you feel like the world can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk

Abraham was too old

Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar

Leah was ugly

Joseph was abused


Moses had a stuttering problem

Gideon was afraid

Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer

Rahab was a prostitute

Jeremiah and Timothy were too young

David had an affair and was a murderer

Elijah was suicidal

Isaiah preached naked

Jonah ran from God

Naomi was a widow

Job went bankrupt

John the Baptist ate bugs

Peter denied Christ

The Disciples fell asleep while praying

Martha worried about everything

The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once

Zaccheus was too small

Paul was too religious

Timothy had an ulcer...

AND

Lazarus was dead!

What do you have that’s worse than that? So no more excuses!

GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND MAKE HISTORY

74. Realizations of a Wise Man……..

I lived a full life till …………………………

Because of their kindness:


I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even

have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid

number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear

that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about

to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...)

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that

Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.

Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh Vandana ,Tirupathi

Balaji, Virgin Mary pics etc.. now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)


75. The Dog and The Leopard –that is confidence.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog

along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he

discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly

in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down

to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one

delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the

leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks

away

into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,

figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the

leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed,

and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the

leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my

back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."


Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,

"What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending

he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I

just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another

leopard, and he's still not back!!"

76. GENDER

If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example:

Ziploc Bags - They are Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

A Copier - is Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an

effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire - has to be Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon - is definitely a Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges - are Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page - Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway - is Male, because it uses the same old lanes to pick people up.

Hourglass - has to be a Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.


The Remote Control - is a Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider

that it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

77. This issue is all on WOMEN

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

During one of his weekly sermons, a preacher made the statement that

EVERYTHING is mentioned in the Bible. After his sermon, a woman approached the

preacher and

said "I beg to differ with you, but I don't think the Bible mentions anything about

PMS."

The preacher was perplexed by this statement, but also challenged. He told the

woman that he would research it and provide an answer the next week.

One week later, after the Sunday sermon, the woman asked the preacher if he had

succeeded in locating any reference to PMS in the Bible. The preacher smiled and

said "I believe so," and showed her the following Biblical passage: "And Mary rode

Joseph's ass all the way into Bethlehem....."

--------------------------------------------------

Over heard this one "A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did

all of my intelligence come from?"

His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because

I still have mine."

78. Entrance Exam………….

Santasigh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except

for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of his non-sardar friends

came home.


Friend: Santasighji How is your MBA preparation?

SantaSingh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.

Friend: Logic is very easy.

Santasigh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.

Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?

Santa: YES.

Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.

Santa: YES.

Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.

Santa: YES.

Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.

Santa: YES.

Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.

Santa: YES.

Friend: so, logically, your are married.

Santa: YES.

Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.

Santasigh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Bantasingh and

he was also preparing for MBA.

Santa: How is your MBA preparation?

Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.

Santa: Oh, logic is easy.

Banta: Please, give me an example.

Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?

Banta: NO, I don't. Santa: Saala HOMO!!!

79. BURY "I CAN'T"

The story of Donna, an exceptional teacher, is doing the rounds on the Internet.


Every year, on the first day to school, Donna asked her students to write down thoughts describing

things they could not do.

"I can't kick the soccer ball past second base."

"I can't do long division with more than three numerals."

"I can't get Debbie to like me."

Everyone wrote with determination and persistence, folded their papers and placed their I Can't statements into an empty shoebox.

Then shovel in one hand, shoebox in the other, Donna marched the students to the

farthest corner of the playground. There they began to dig. The box of I Can'ts was placed in a pit and then covered with earth.

Now, Donna delivered the eulogy. "Friends, we gather here today in memory of 'I

Can't'. While he was with us here on earth, he touched the lives of everyone, some

more than others. His is survived by his brothers and sisters, 'I Can', 'I Will', and

'I'm Going to Right Away'. They are not as well known as their famous relative and

are certainly not as strong and powerful yet. Perhaps some day, with your help, they will make an even bigger mark on the world. May I Can't rest

in peace and may everyone present pick up their lives and move forward in his absence. Amen."

A paper tombstone, with the words I Can't at the top and RIP in the middle, hung

in Donna's classroom for the remainder of the year. On those rare occasions when

a student forgot and said, I Can't, Donna simply pointed to the RIP sign. The

student then remembered that I Can't was dead and chose to rephrase the statement.

I was not one of Donna's students. Neither are you.

However, we can learn an enduring lesson from her as we envision that class laying

to rest, I can't. May we "touch to transform" our lives by ensuring an immediate


burial to our I Can'ts and using a positive vocabulary to express our most hopeless predicament.

80. -CORPORATE LESSON 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom,her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour" she replies. Great, the husband says, "Did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?" Moral Of The Story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. CORPORATE LESSON 2 A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand, however he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again aid,"Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the ! convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.


On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. Moral Of The Story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity! CORPORATE LESSON 3 Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf. Moral Of The Story: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size. Another good lesson!! CORPORATE LESSON 4 A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." *Poof!*She's gone. In astonishment "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina-coladas and the love of my life. *Poof! *He's gone. "OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral Of The Story: Always let your boss have the first say. 81. WHAT TO ASK FOR -Alan Cohen

Try replacing your “to do” list with a “to be” list.

Who do you want to be while you are doing?

How do you want to feel? What inner experience would you like to enjoy behind

your activities? You can get everything crossed off your “to do” list, but unless you

have set your intention about who you want to be and how you want to feel, you will


miss your true goal, which is happiness. Set your intention for soul fulfillment and watch your life take off, spiritually and materially.

Be conscious of what you are asking for.

You can pray for something specific and get it. Or you can pray for a quality of life,

and get that. Praying for specifics is risky as you are dictating a form. Praying for

essence guarantees reward, as you are seeking an energy .Rather than dictating a specific object as your goal, designate a quality of experience.

Before you can climb the ladder of success, be sure that it is leaning against

the right wall.

You can get what you think you want, or you can get what you really want. All

thoughts are prayers, and all prayers are answered. You pray more with your

thoughts and intentions than with your words. In fact, you are praying at every

moment .Every asking that proceeds from your heart is a prayer. Ask for your

soul’s dreams not your mind’s.

When the mind and soul come into alignment, you will achieve the mystical marriage that gets your head out of the sand and into heaven.

82. Musings of Life

I get up at 6 a.m., no matter what time it is. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby. The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car. It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That


must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ... Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life sentence!! Marriage is when a man and woman become one, the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

83. The Pope and the Sikhs

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy.

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community. So the Pope made a

deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If

the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man

named Santa Singh to represent them. Since both could not understand each

other's language, they would use sign language to communicate.

Santa and Pope both agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each


other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Santa looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a

circle around his head. Santa pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled

out a wafer and a glass of wine. Santa pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had

happened. The Pope, still getting over Santa's genius said, "First I held up three

fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to

remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions." "Then I

waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded

by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us". "I

pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He

pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.

What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What

happened?" they asked. "Well," said Santa, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had

three days to get out of here. I swore and told him not one of us was leaving."

"Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I let him know

that we were staying right here." "Yes, and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't

know", said Santa, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"

84. LESSONS FOR LIFE...

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6

years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.

It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters,

so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all

stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart.


We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their

hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight

of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.

Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome

reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we all caught in "Mom,

let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let 's run through the rain!" She repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run

through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,"the young girl said as

she tugged at her Mom's arm.

This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said,

'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the

rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would

laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said.

But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent

trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.


"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get

wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past

the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their

heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who

screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take

away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take

away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the

opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a

time to every purpose under heaven.

A friend sent this to me to remind me of life. Hope you enjoyed reading it.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a

day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Send this to the people you'll never forget. If you don't send it to anyone, it means

you're in a hurry. Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other -- and

don't forget to run in the rain!

85. HANDLING OF A BLONDE

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and

moves to the First Class and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this

and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for

Economy and that she will have to go and sit at the back.


The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm

staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that

there is some blonde bimbo with Economy ticket sitting in First Class and won't

move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for

economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to leave and

return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm

staying right here!"

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably

should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that

won't listen to reason.

The pilot tells, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and

I speak blonde!"

He goes to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry I had no

idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make

her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied " I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne"!!!

86. WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

(AND IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN)?.......


To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,

grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something ----- to make you

chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought

that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing

He said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit?!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't

stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said "Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve hould

have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children

wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on


yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes

you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then

you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what

you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there

are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home

one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A

HEADACHE, SEE WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

87. Very important lesson for ALL !!!!!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a eighboring

kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and

ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very


difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after

a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young

Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he

accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned

to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men,

and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the

answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the

kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the

witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price

first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of

the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one

tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered

such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden,

but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too

big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round

Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

"What a woman really wants," she said, "is to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.


And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot

and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific

experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most

beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded

Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a

witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and

the beautiful maiden the other half.

"Which would you prefer? she asked him. "Beautiful during the day ...or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful

woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old

witch Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night a

beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this..) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT ... make YOUR choice before you

scroll down below. OKAY?

-------------------

--------------------

--------------------------

-----------------------------

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said

that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time


because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ... what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.. If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get

ugly.

88.Most Important in Life……………..

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It had

been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life

itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his

dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the

past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his

future, and nothing could stop him. Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr..

Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."

Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly

remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm

sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing.

He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he

put it," Mom told him. "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you

had a man's influence in your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if

it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were

important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown.

Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and

most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to return home,

Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into

another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he


remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of

urniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. "The box is gone," he said.

"What box? " Mom asked. "There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top

of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever

tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it,

except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some

sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one

day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one

at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note

read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked

like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read,

but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took

the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box

and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's

the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart

racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box.

There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly

over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he

found these words engraved:

"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser." "The thing he valued most...was...my

time."

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his

appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. "I need

some time to spend with my son," he said.

"Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that

take our breath away," To everyone I sent this to "Thanks for your time"


89. A True Story -Lengthy true life tale of exquisite twist.

Not Ripley's. But by the Associated Press. Read it patiently.

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AFS President Dr

Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre

death. Here is the story.

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and

concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped

from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell pastthe ninth

floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which

killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety

net had been installed just below the eighth floorlevel to protect some building

workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the

way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicideand

ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is

still defined as committing suicide." That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain

death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net,

caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by

an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening

her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he

completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr

Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one

is guilty of the murder of subject "B."

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both

adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded.

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the

unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun

had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who

saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal


accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son,

knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the

gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even

though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on

the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in

fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his

attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story

building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the

ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical xaminer

closed the case as a suicide.]

(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)

90. UP – Lesson in Language

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-

letter word, and that is "UP."

If you are not confused after reading this you must really be messed "UP." It's

easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list but

when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the

officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we

warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line

UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one

thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.


A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the

morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary.

In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add

UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It

will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a

hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say

it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain

for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut

UP...!!!!!!

Just one last thing........when we pass on I hope we go UP.

91. Found on the IIM Ahmedabad student board.. "The Travails of Single South Indian men of conservative upbringing" or

"Why we don't get any..."

Yet another action packed weekend in Mumbai, full of fun, frolic and introspection.

I have learnt many things. For example having money when none of your friends

have any is as good as not having any. And after spending much time in movie

theatres, cafes and restaurants I have gathered many insights into the endless

monotony that is the love life of south Indian men. What I have unearthed is most

disheartening. Disheartening because comprehension of these truths will not

change our status anytime soon.

However there is also cause for joy. We never stood a chance anyway. What loads

the dice against virile, gallant, well educated, good looking, sincere mallus and

tams? (Kandus were once among us, but Bangalore has changed all that.)

Our futures are shot to hell as soon as our parents bestow upon us names that are

anything but alluring. I cannot imagine a more foolproof way of making sure the


child remains single till classified advertisements or that maternal uncle in San

Francisco thinks otherwise. Name him "Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy" and his

inherent capability to combat celibacy is obliterated before he could even talk. He

will grow to be known as Partha.

Before he knows, his smart, seductively named northy classmates start calling him

Paratha. No woman in their right minds will go anyway near poor Parthasarathy. His

investment banking job doesn't help either. His employer loves him though. He has

no personal life you see. By this time the Sanjay Singhs and Bobby Khans from his

class have small businesses of their own and spend 60% of their lives in discos and

pubs. The remaining 40% is spent coochicooing with leather and denim clad muses

in their penthouse flats on Nepean Sea Road. Business is safely in the hands of

the Mallu manager. After all with a name like Blossom Babykutty he cant use his

30000 salary anywhere. Blossom gave up on society when in school they

automatically enrolled him for Cookery Classes. Along with all the girls.

Yes my dear reader, nomenclature is the first nail in a coffin of neglect and

hormonal pandemonium.. In a kinder world they would just name the poor southern

male child and throw him off the balcony. "Yes appa we have named him

Goundamani..." THUD. Life would have been less kinder to him anyway.

If all the women the Upadhyays, Kumars, Pintos and, god forbid, the Sens and

Roys in the world have met were distributed amongst the Arunkumars, Vadukuts

and Chandramogans we would all be merry casanovas with 3 to 4 pretty things at

each arm. But alas it is not to be. Of course the south Indian women have no such

issues. They have names which are like sweet poetry to the ravenous northie

hormone tanks.

Picture this: "Welcome, and this is my family. This is my daughter Poorni (what a sweet name!!) and my son Ponnalagusamy (er.. hello..).."

Cyanide would not be fast enough for poor Samy. Nothing Samy does will help him.

He can pump iron, drive fast cars and wear snazzy clothes, but against a braindead

dude called Arjun Singhania he has as much chance of getting any as a Benedictine Monk in a Saharan Seminary.


Couple this with the other failures that have plagued our existence. Any attempt

at spiking hair with gel fails miserably. In an hour I have a crown of greasy, smelly

fibrous mush. My night ends there. However the northy just has to scream

"Wakaw!!!" and you have to peel the women off him to let him breathe. In a disco

while we can manage the medium hip shake with neck curls, once the Bhangra

starts pumping we are as fluid as cement and gravel in a mixer. Karan Kapoor or

Jatin Thapar in the low cut jeans with chaddi strap showing and see through shirt

throws his elbows perfectly, the cynosure of all attention. The women love a man

who digs pasta and fondue.

But why do they not see the simple pleasures of curd rice and coconut chutney?

When poor Senthilnathan opens his tiffin box in the office lunch room his female

coworkers just dissappear when they see the tamarind rice and poppadums. The

have all rematerialised around Bobby Singh who has ordered in Pizza and Garlic

bread. (And they have the gall to talk of foreign origin.)

How can a man like me brought up in roomy lungis and oversized polyester shirts

ever walk the walk in painted on jeans (that makes a big impression) and neon

yellow rib hugging t shirts? All I can do is don my worn "comfort fit" jeans and

floral shirt. Which is pretty low on the "Look at me lady" scale, just above fig leaf

skirt and feather headgear a la caveman, and a mite below Khakhi Shirt over a red

t shirt and baggy khakhi pants and white trainers a la Rajni in "Badsha".

Sociologically too the tam or mallu man is severely sidelined. An average tam stud

stays in a house with, on average, three grandparents, three sets of uncles and

aunts, and over 10 children. Not the ideal atmosphere for some intimacy and some

full throated "WHOSE YOUR DADDY!!!" at the 3 in the morning. The mallu guy of

course is almost always in the gulf working alone on some onshore oil rig in the

desert. Rheumatic elbows me thinks.

Alas dear friends we are not just meant to set the nights on fire. We are just not

built to be "The Ladies Man". The black man has hip hop, the white man has rock,

the southie guy only has idlis and tomato rasam or an NRI account in South Indian

Bank Ernakulam Branch. Alas as our destiny was determined in one fell swoop by


our nomenclature, so will our future be. A nice arranged little love story. But the

agony of course does not end there.

On the first night, as the stud sits on his bed finally within touching distance and

whispers his sweet desires into her delectable ear, she blushes, turns around and

whispers back "But amma has said only on second saturdays..."

92. FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RITE ENGLISH.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen

not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should

never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses,

not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called

pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be

called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be

called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never

be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never

say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she,

shis and shim.

Let's face it, English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in

pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.. We take English for

granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,

boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.


And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend? If you have

a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes, I think

all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for

the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a

recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that

smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a

wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in

which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling

it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

93. A Dental Bargain………..

A SCOTSMAN goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction.

"£85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och, huv ye no' got anything cheaper?" replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.

"What about if you didn't use any anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for

£70", said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still without

anaesthetic?" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of

professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can

bring the price down to say £40", said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have

your student do the extraction and the other students watching and learning?"

said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only


£5 in that case", said the dentist.

"Wonderful, it's a deal!" said the Scotsman ... "Can you book the wife in for next

Tuesday?"

94. Arithmatic of Life……….

The Accountant

A 64-YEAR-OLD accountant left a letter for his wife one Friday evening that

read: "Dear wife, I am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the

Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, "Dear

husband, I too am 64, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the

Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old toy boy."Being an

accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 64 many more times than 64 goes into 18."

A Duck Tale

A DUCK goes into a pharmacy and asks for a packet of condoms.

The chemist says "do you want them on your bill?"

The duck replies "what sort of duck do you think I am?!"

A Boisterous Game

DAVE works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing

basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his

birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"

says Dave. "He's on my basketball team." When they are seated, a waitress asks

Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that

you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts

to rub herself all over him and says: "Hi, Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big

Boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he

jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must

have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says: "Jeez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch tonight."

95. This is one up on the guys

Here paying u back in your own currency!!!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although

very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the

refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have

those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5

dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN

FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE

MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"and, they lived happily ever after.

96. Voice Mail from God….

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3 Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others


I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy spirit, press 3 To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the p! ound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666. For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics. Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you and have a heavenly day. Don't tell GOD how big your storm is. Tell the storm how big your GOD is.

97. Bill Gates and GM –Whos’ Cleverer?

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers

have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo COMDEX), Bill Gates

reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If

GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If

GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the

following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to

pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart

it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to

shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five

times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced

by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning

light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse

to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and

grabbed hold of the radio antenna

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive

all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

11. Please share this with your friends who love – but sometimes hate - their computer

98. Is this how women view us????

How guys select the girl they want to marry.....

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to


give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair

done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very

nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for

him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of STRONG

golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she

presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because

she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the

$5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint

account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves

him so much.Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the

money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?

(scroll down for the answer)

He married the one with the largest breasts !!!!!!

Men are Men,!!!

99. KIDS SAY:ADULTS LEARN


A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8

year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and

deeper than anyone could have imagined.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,

"What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than

anyone could have imagined.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go

out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries

without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before

giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after

they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people

watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one

doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8


"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to

sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 6

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has

to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out

of you." Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you

should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And finally . .. . An elderly gentleman had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the

man cry, the little boy next door went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto

his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the

neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

KIDS SAY:ADULTS LEARN

100. Out of the BOX(Soap) Thinking

A Japanese soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a box of soap that was empty.

Management tasked its engineers to solve the problem permanently to avoid any reoccurrence.

The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution

monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the


line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast.

But a rank-and-file employee that was posed the same problem came out with

another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the

assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it imply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Stay connected. An idea can change your life.

101. Predujice

This Story Is For Mature Adults Only.... Judges - Never be predujiced !

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia -- making love to

a dead woman.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting,

immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw

away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

#1, It's none of your damn business;

#2, She was my wife; and.....

#3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

102. CHANGE YOUR STRATEGY

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a hat

by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help".

A creative publicist was walking by him and stopped to observe he only had a

few coins in his hat, he dropped a few more coins in his hat and without asking for

his permission took the sign, turned it around, and wrote another announcement. He placed the sign by his feet and left.

That afternoon the creative publicist returned by the blind man and noticed that

his hat was full of bills and coins. The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked


if it was him who had re-written his sign and he wanted to know what did he write on it?

The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true, I just rewrote your sign differently". He smiled and went on his way.

The blind man never knew but his new sign read: "TODAY IS SPRING AND I CANNOT SEE IT".

Change your strategy when something does not go your way and you'll see it will

probably be for the best. Have faith that every change is best for our lives. Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts.

This is the secret of success and.....Keep smiling!

103. Food for Thought

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles

of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a

swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay

Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called

Holes?


7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to

begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a

racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that

electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models

deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they

get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and

forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we

supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the

postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

20. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

104 . 10 Most Stupid Questions….

Enjoy the 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations:

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends...

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer: Don't you know?, I sell tickets in black over here.

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question: Sorry, did that hurt?


Answer: No, not at all, I'm on local anaesthesia..why don't you try again?

3. At a funeral: One of the teary eyed people ask...

Stupid Question: Why, why him , of all people?

Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter...

Stupid Question: Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer: No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit

in it.

5. At a family get-together, when some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer: Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask..

Stupid Question: Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer: No, he's a miserable wife beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question: Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer: No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or

not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer: No, its autumn and I'm shedding.

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects 'in your mouth...

Stupid Question: Tell me if it hurts?

Answer: No it won't. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...


Stupid Question: oh, so you smoke.

Answer: Gosh, it's a miracle ........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Hope you have also asked all these questions, or even more stupid ones!

Don't' worry - that's the way it is.

105. EXPLAIN GOD

Little Danny explains God to us. THIS ONE IS FABULOUS!!! It was written by an

8-year-old, Danny Dutton of Chula Vista, CA, for his third-grade homework

assignment. The assignment was to explain God. Wonder if any of us could do as

well?".

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that

die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't

make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make.

That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes

on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God

doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. God sees everything

and hears everything and is every where which keeps Him pretty busy. So you

shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for

something they said you couldn't have. Atheists are people who don't believe in

God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come

to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on

water and performing miracles and people finally got tired of Him preaching to

them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told

His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said "O.K."

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on

earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay

in heaven.So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and


seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can

take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more

important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if

there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.Don't skip church to do

something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And

besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist,you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp,but God can.

It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you

can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But...you shouldn't

just always think of what God can do for you.I figure God put me here and He can

take me back anytime He pleases. And...that's why I believe in God.

106. Did you ever stop and wonder?

Who wasthe first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink

dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the

next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a

horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the T2 fast lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't

he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to

their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME

crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then

what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same

tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a

haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but

when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

107. Happiness Explained

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each

morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly

applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled

sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of

her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I

love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been

presented with a new puppy.

"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.


"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or

not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind.

I already decided to love it . "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.

I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with

the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for

the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the

new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my

life. Old age is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my

advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of

memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more. 5. Expect less.

108. This is Management!!!!!!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water

down your throat and presto! The blockage will be removed almost instantly.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else

to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the

sink. I also add the suggestion, don't bother to lift the seat at any time.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus

reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling


over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you won't dare

cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer. You will then forget

about the toothache.

109. We Just Need To Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should,

use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance! And Finally....

Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to

need them to empty your bedpan.

110. Punchlines…

See what happens to the punch line if all the big multinationals sell condoms :

1. nokia condoms : connecting people

2. mrf condoms : extra rubber extra mileage

3. moov condoms : ah se ahaa tak

4. mirinda condom : zor ka jhatka dhire se lage

5. hero honda condom : fill it shut it forget it

6. lux condoms : filmi sitaron ki pasand

7. bajaj condoms : buland bharat ki buland tasveer

8. kelvinator condoms : its the coolest one

9. philips condom : lets make things better


10. onida condom : neighbours envy owners pride

11. pepsi condom : yehi hai right choice baby

12. thumps up condom : taste the thunder

13 coca cola condom : eat condom,sleep condom, wear only coca cola condom

14. ariel condom : dhundate rahe jaogaye

15 rotomac condom : sabkuch dikhta hai

16. servo condom : use servo add life

17.ceat condom : born tough

18.amul condom : a gift for someone you love

19. bpl condom : beleive in the best

20.nike condom : just do it

21. visa condom : go get it

22. bagpiper condom : khub jamegi masti jab milenge teen yaar mai aap aur

bagpipier condom

23. polo condom : a condom with a hole

24. colgate condom : yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra

25. cadbury(flavoured) condom: asli swad jindagi ka

26. prestige cooker condom : jo biwi se kare pyare wo condom se kaise kare inkar

27. wills condom : official sponsor of indian cricket team

28. minto condom : the whole condom

39. sony condom : its a condom

30.surf condom : bhala uska condom mere condom se jyada gila kaise ?

31. Panama condom : nothing between you and me

32. seimens condom: communication unlimited.

111. Apple Tree and the Little Boy…..and You…

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play

around it everyday. He climbed to the tree top, ate the apples & took a nap under

the shadow. He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him.

Time went by... the little boy grew up and he no longer played around the tree

everyday. One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad.

"Come and play with me," the tree asked the boy.

"I am no longer a kid. I don't play around trees anymore. But I want toys. I need


money to buy them."

"Sorry, but I don't have money but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you

will have money." The boy was so excited.

He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples.

The tree was sad.

One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited.

"Come and play with me" the tree said.

"I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for

shelter. Can you help me?"

"Sorry, but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your

house." So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily.

The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then.

The tree was again lonely and sad.

One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted."Come and play

with me!" the tree said.

"I am sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a

boat?"

"Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy." So the boy

cut the tree truck to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long

time. Finally, the boy returned after he had gone for many many years.

"Sorry, my boy. But I don't have anything for you anymore. No more apples for

you... " the tree said.

"I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied.

"No more trunk for you to climb on..."

"I am too old for that now" the boy said.

"I really can't give you anything ... the only thing left is my dying roots" the tree

said with tears.

"I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years" the

boy replied.


"Good! Old tree roots is the best place to lean on and rest. Come, come sit down with me and rest."

The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears.......

This is the story of everyone. The tree is our parent. When we were young,we

loved to play with Mom and Dad. When we grow up, we leave them... only come to

them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents

will always be there and give everything they could to make you happy. You may

think the boy is cruel to the tree but that's how all of us are treating our parent.

112. VIRUS Be on the lookout for the following viruses:

CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, e-mails everyone

about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 10 Gigabyte hard drive suddenly shrinks to 4 Gig,

then slowly expands to 7 Gig.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS - Your whole computer goes down, (hmm sounds kind of like the

Lewinsky Virus.)

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files, leaves, but IT

WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then

discards it through Windows.

113. Mail from a Mom….a True One


"THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE"

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every

year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who

have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one

person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull,

some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely

in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you're great has thought

about you today!..


"And that person was me.".....

114. LOGIC …..

Zail Singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing

except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv Gandhi came home.

Rajiv: Zail Singhji How is your MBA preparation?

Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.

Rajiv: Logic is very easy.

Zail: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.

Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.

Zailsingh was very glad and he understood logic.

Next day he sees Buta sSngh who was also preparing for MBA.

Zail: How is your MBA preparation?

Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.

Zail: Oh, logic is easy.

Buta: Please, give me an example.

Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?

Buta: NO, I don't. Zail: Saala HOMO!!!


114. Economics ………

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income. INDIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You worship them. AMERICAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. FRENCH ECONOMICS You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. GERMAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. BRITISH ECONOMICS You have two cows. They are both mad cows. ITALIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.


SWISS ECONOMICS You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. JAPANESE ECONOMICS You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are onetenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. RUSSIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka. CHINESE ECONOMICS You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

115. Oh LA LOO..Oh LA LOO….

Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas. So

he called up the Tourist dept and asked them "Ji could you tell me the time

difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One

second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.


Laloos family planning policy.. "DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR" *.

At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,"JOHNNIE

WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The

bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

After having become the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to pose for a picture. To show

he is down to earth CM he decides to pose along with a herd of buffaloes and

resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper.

GUESS THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"

Laloo was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The

Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an

excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."

Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"

.A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?" "Marriage"

116. Application Letter

These are some of the application and leave letters written by various personnel.

English as they say is a funny language!!! 1. A candidate's application. "This has

reference to your advertisement calling for a typist and an accountant - Male or

Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

117. Men are like?...

Men are like ........ Laxatives ......They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ......They never seem to be long enough.


Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right

for your hips.

Men are like ........ Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all

night long.

Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn ...... They satisfy you but only for little while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many

inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are

handicapped.

......Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any

understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to

know!!!!!!!!!!

118. Jokes –Regional Diversity

Sindhi Jokes:

Why are a Sindhis nostrils big? Because air is free.

What do you call a god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani.

A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani.

A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja.

A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani.

A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja.

A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani

. A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani.

A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani.

A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rin-dani.

A Sindhi postman? Mailwani.


A communist Sindhi? Karl Lal-wani.

A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani or Primlani

. A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani.

A forgetful Sindhi? Bhulo Bhulchandani.

A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani

A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani

A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani.

A Sindhi fly? Makhija.

A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thad-ani.

A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani.

A Sindhi who falls from the 25th floor? Mar-jani.

Maharashtrian Jokes:

What is a gay Maharashtrian called? Deccan Queen

What do you call a Maharashtrian tailor? Sadashiv.

Which Maharashtrians wrote the book 'Apartheid in South Africa?' Dhaval Gore

and Krishnakant Kale.

What did Bruce Lee say to the Maharashtrian? Tumhi Marathe, Aamhi Karate

. Gujju Jokes:

Why did the Gujjus think the man who acted as Gandhi in the film was a woman?

Because his name was 'Ben' Kingsley.

Why does the Gujju go to London? To see his Big Ben.

Why did the visitor to the Gujju home run away when he was offered tea? Because

the Gujju said he would serve snakes with it.

What is a Gujju picnic called? A snake in the grass.

Why did the Gujju wear a Tuxedo to his vasectomy? If he was going to be

impotent, he wanted to look impotent.

Why did the American get scared of the Gujju? Because he said 'Sue kare chhe.'

What did the Gujju mean when he said," Maro dikro STATES ma gayon?" His son

failed in statistics. Maro dikro Dubai gayo? My son drowned.

Which programs do gujjus couples love to watch on tv? Be-watch (Baywatch, Be in

gujju is to see)

What do you call a knee less gujju? Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)


Bengali Jokes:

An angry Bengali letter? Chitti-chitti Bong Bong.

A talkative Bengali? Bulbul Chatterjee.

An outlawed Bengali? Kanoon Banerjee.

An enlightened Bengali? Jyoti Basu.

Bengali who works? A work of fiction.

A stupid Bengali girl? Balika Buddhu.

A Bengali marriage? Bedding.

A Bengali voyeur? Keyhollo.

A mad Bengali? In Sen.

A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? Kalidas Guha.

A Bengali mobster? Robin Ganguli.

A perfumed Bengali? Chandan Dass.

A Bengali goldsmith? Shonar Bongla.

What is bigger than the state of Bengal? The Bay of Bengal

What's bigger than the Bay of Bengal? The Bengali Ego

When does a Bengali sound like a dog?

When he says Bow(wow) Also when he bharks(works).’

Why was the Bengali fired from being salesman at Raymond's retail store?

Everytime someone asked him what the material was, he replied "Terrybool".

Mallu Jokes:

What do you call an amazing Malayalee? Pheno Menon.

What do you call a dashing Malayalee? Debo Nair.

What do you call a Malayalee drunkard? Kutty Sark.

Why did the Malayalee cross the road? To join the trade union on the other side

Tamil Jokes

What's the opposite of Gopalakrishnan? Comepalakrishnan.

What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy ? Subramanium Didn't See Me.


How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu? Ready....Steady.....PO

What do you call a really colourful Tamilian? Rangamannar Rangarajan.

What is the Tamil name for the tallest building in Japan? Nikkumo Nikkado (Will it or wont it stand?)

What is the difference between Kunannkudi Vaidyanathan & Gandhiji? One is a violinist,the other is a non-violinist!

119. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

120. GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

121. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.


3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that

you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you

the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

122. SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants...

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . ... having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . ... having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT NEVER forget

the blessings that come each day.


123. A letter of Husband to Wife

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses...

You are my sweetheart.

Your husband Allen. *His Wife replied back after some days to her Husband:* Dearest sweetheart, Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details. 1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk. 2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses. 3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent. 4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items..... 5. Other expenses 40 kisses Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance. Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!! Your Sweet Heart.

124. DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said,

"How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It

depends. Is that your husband?"

In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's


weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with

your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked

their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact,it was a

completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO

anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... because it's

happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the

imagery of that _ex-pression. It implies that you were just standing

there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the

natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls

become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when

it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you

think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between

the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry

subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry

the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of

the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.

This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness

and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most


obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship,

excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within

it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a

few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE

RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER

just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it

day in and day out.

That's why we have the _ex-pression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes

WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can

do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also

laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you

physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage

stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the

results are predictable...you can "make"love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... not just a feeling that are based on

The Four Pillars of Marriage :

1.Mental and emotional maturity( these are "Brains" called for in such decisions)

2.Career building

3 Basic economic security ( these is the "body or infrastructure"for a living

4. Compatibility and mutuality of social, moral and core spiritual values (this is the

"Soul" of a marriage.


125. Easy Vs Difficult

"Easy is to judge the mistakes of others, Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes. Easy is to talk without thinking, Difficult is to refrain the tongue. Easy is to hurt someone who loves us, Difficult is to heal the wound. Easy is to forgive others, Difficult is to ask for forgiveness. Easy is to set rules, Difficult is to follow them. Easy is to dream every night, Difficult is to fight for a dream. Easy is to show victory, Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity. Easy is to admire a full moon, Difficult to see the other side. Easy is to stumble with a stone, Difficult is to get up. Easy is to enjoy life every day, Difficult to give its real value. Easy is to promise something to someone, Difficult is to fulfill that promise. Easy is to say we love, Difficult is to show it every day.


Easy is to criticize others, Difficult is to improve oneself. Easy is to make mistakes, Difficult is to learn from them. Easy is to weep for a lost love, Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it. Easy is to think about improving, Difficult is to stop thinking it and put it into action. Easy is to think bad of others, Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt. Easy is to receive, Difficult is to give. Easy to read this, Difficult to follow. Easy is keep the friendship with words, Difficult is to keep it with meanings

126. Clean Joke

This is one of the best clean jokes I' ve seen in a while! Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on

the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was

tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S

IT!

I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two


hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then,

ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across

the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went

off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in

the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their

computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone!

It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the

past two hours of w ork.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all

his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES"


127. 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a

virgin". * "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married

ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a *Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"*Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted

three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from *Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a *Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was......... .. God I miss him. "

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband,

"but why? "Your're with the *"GOVERNMENT" ..... This time *I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

128.. THE FOUR BLESSED LOOKS


Look back and thank God. Look forward and trust God. Look around and serve God. Look within and find God!" "I asked God, 'How do we get the best out of life?' God said, 'Face your past without regrets. Handle your present with confidence. And prepare for the future without fear!'" "Without God, our week is: Mournday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Fightday, Shatterday and Sinday. 129. Efficiency Expert?s Home Advice

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. ?You don't

want to try these techniques at home.?

”Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.

“Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained.

“She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets - often

carrying just a single item at a time.”

“Now” I suggested, “Why don't you try carrying several things at once?”

The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”

The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”


130. EuroEnglish

The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the

official language of the European Community (EU) - rather than German (the other

possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that

English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year plan to

phase in new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.

The agreed plan is as follows:

In the first year, the soft ?c? would be replaced by ?s?. Sertainly, this will make

the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ?c? will be replased by ?k?. This should

klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome

?ph? is replased by ?f?. This will reduse ?fotograf? by 20%.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach

the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will

enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to

akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent ?e?s in the

language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing

?th? with ?z? and ?w? with ?v? (saving mor keyboard spas).

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ?o? kan be dropd from vords containing ?ou? and

similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or

difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!


131. Whys?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

132. Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make

your lives better.”

And the Arabs asked,”What are Commandments?”

And the Lord said, “They are rules for living.”

“Can you give us an example?”

“Thou shall not kill.”

“Not kill? We have enemies that must be eliminated. We're not interested.”

So he went to the Blacks and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make

your lives better.”

And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Honor thy Father and

Mother.”

“Father? We don't know who our fathers are.”

So He went to the Mexicans and said, “I have Commandments for you that will

make your lives better.”

And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, “Thou shall not steal.”

“Not steal? How are we going to exist? We're not interested.”

He went to the French and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make your

lives better.”


The French wanted an example and the Lord said, “Thou shall not commit adultery.”

“Not commit adultery? That takes all that fun out of life. We're not interested.”

So, he finally went to the Jews and said, “I have some commandments for you that

will make your lives better.”

“Commandments?” They said, “How much are they?”

“They're free”, God said. “We'll take 10.”

133. Various……..

Insufficient Brain Study

A lengthy new study by a South American scientist from Argentina has discovered

that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their

hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

The Perfect Dress

Julia's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement.

Her mother, who had recently gone through a nasty divorce, had just found the

PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Julia was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had

bought the exact same dress! Julia asked her step-mother to exchange it, but she

refused.

‘Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,’ she

replied peevishly.

Julia told her mother, who graciously said, ‘Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another

dress. After all, it's your special day.’

That weekend, Julia and her Mom went shopping and did find another gorgeous


dress. When they stopped for lunch, Julia asked her mother, ‘Aren't you going to

return the other dress’ You really don't have another occasion where you could

wear it.’

Her mother just smiled and replied, ‘Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!’

134 Rules of Work .. How To Get Promoted

Rule 1 - The Boss is always right. Rule 2 - If the Boss is wrong, see Rule 1. Rule 3 - Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions. Rule 4 - Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person? the more number of persons

are engaged in pulling that person down.

Rule 5 - If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

Rule 6 - When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Rule 7 - It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.

Rule 8 - A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Rule 9 - Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Rule 10 - The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. Rule 11 - If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

Rule 12 - When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Rule 13 - Following the rules will not get the job done. Rule 14 - If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


Rule 15 - Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous". Rule 16 - No matter how much you do, you never do enough. Rule 17 - You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.

Rule 18 - In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job. Rule 19 - In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.

Rule 20 - The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

135. Deep Thoughts

1. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

2. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

3. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

4. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

5. A day without sunshine is like night.

6. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

8. Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

9. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

10. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

11. Despite the high cost of living, it's still extremely popular.

12. Drive way too fast and you don't have to worry about cholesterol.

13. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

14. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

136. Story Telling Contest – what a moral

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class – Get their parents tell a

story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back one by one,

and, began to tell their stories. They were all the regular type like spilled milk and


pennies saved. But then the teacher realized that only Aman was left .”Aman do

you have a story to share ?”. “Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my

mummy.She was a marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to

bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pisto, and a

survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break,

and athen her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15

of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife,

till the blade broke,abd then she killed the last Iraqi with bare hands.” “Good

Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?” . “Stay away from mummy when she’s drunk”, Aman said.

137. Telling Lies …..for a Cause.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe

fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you

crying?". The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed

the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with

a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the

Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and

came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and

gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and

his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked

him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water

and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked."

Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with

Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then


said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not

able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable

reason, and for the benefit of others.

138. Rather Remarkable Obituary:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense

had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his

birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to

come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always

fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than

you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing

regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual

harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using

mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,

only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to getparental

consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could notinform the parents when a

student became pregnant and wanted to have anabortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became

contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment

than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a

steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge

financial settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife,

Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two

stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still

remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.

Post Script

This started it all…….

Shaji:” Hi Guys and Gals, Take a guess who this is ?” – a teaser from the master…..

K S Mohan “Hai, PP looks much younger and smart than schooldaysThanks Shaji for this photo.Regards “ –positive nostalgia

Mathecken : “Have you morphed the pic...or is this a reincarnation Shaji?...Any how....its is brilliant either ways..” –life is a wonderful confusion


Usha Soman:” One more of PP with family” – that’s bonding

Mathecken :” We can look forward to detective thrillers again...........now that Bond 77 has resurfaced....” - amnesia revisited

Shaji :” Its our PP George.Thanks,Shaji” – Discovery of the century….

Baiju: “The one & only PP George” – It is official. Discovery certified

Darlie O’Ko shy :”The picture is of a spy in disguise to enquire into some mails

being sent by an alleged alien from a renegade planet at war with planet 77. All the

best for all 0077 of SCAMS of erstwhile Cochin” – Excerpts from the forthcoming novel from a master story teller..

Balagopal R : “wow!” the great SHERLOCK HOLMES. Is he still writing

James Bonds . Must be. His smile has that 007 FLAVOUR Thanks 4 the missing link Rgds – admiration unparralled….

Mathecken: “Planet 77 is now equipped to tide over Doom 2012..and .when the real

Bond arrives on the scene in Feb after his current assignment.....the action begins....It was foretold by Nostradamus eons ago” – Illusions ..all maya.......

Usha Soman:” You too Brutus ( Darlie). I thought the only mails I did not understand was Mathecken’s!” – True enlightenment

R Radha Krishnan :” Operation Petso being reactivated ?” – Prescription for Alzheimers …what is Petso?

Rajiv : “Now u too???” – Brevity that tells it all.

Mathecken: “It's elementary Rajiv..Didn't you see it coming? Now it's your turn....We need not wait till Feb....” – time for a get together

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PLANET77 TALES

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