"My Child,You Died.But Mum,I Am Alive"

My child, you died.

But mum, I am alive.

Poems of Life

Renata Leuffen

© 2013 Renata Leuffen. All Rights

Reserved

Published by: Renata Leuffen Corporation

315 Chiswick High Road, Suite 243 London W4 4HH

England

www.renataleuffen.com

[email protected]

ISBN: 978‐0‐9927262‐9‐4

INHALTSVERZEICHNIS

LONG AFTER MIDNIGHT .............................................. 1

UNDER THE BLOOMING APPLE TREES ..................... 7

A DAY OF HEAVEN ON EARTH ............................... 16

SITTING WITH THE PRIEST IN OUR GARDEN ....... 20

YOU LOVE IT WHEN I VISIT YOUR GRAVE .............. 25

NO MORE STRENGTH TO LIVE.................................. 33

ALL SHALL BE WELL .................................................. 36

THE MOMENT THEY TOLD ME THAT YOU ............. 39

WERE DEAD ................................................................... 39

LONG AFTER MIDNIGHT

My child, I sit in the living room. It is long past midnight and I think of you.

I never thought, I never imagined, that you would die. Before me. I cry.

You died.

Your chair is empty. Your shoes on the floor and your favourite T shirt on the seat, remind me of you. There is this pain in my heart and it does not go away.

How will I survive this tragedy and how can I ever accept it?

I look at your picture on the wall. I remember when you were born, the first time

I saw you, your bright smile, your excitement to be alive, the way your hand

My child, you died. But mum, I am alive.

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gripped my thumb, my awe and my love. For you. I sigh.

The first birds start to sing and usher in another day. Without you. There is this pain again, breaking my heart ,this unbearable pain, merciless and cruel. This tormenting thought that all that I did for you was, in vain. But, was it?

My child, I dreamt of going to your wedding on a warm summer day and I smelt the scent of the white, pink and red roses, the lavender, the jasmine and the jacaranda and I heard the church bells ringing and in my dream, you were so happy and so beautiful.

But now, every day, I am going to the cemetery, instead. I stand by your grave and I am helpless. Oh, how I hate the cemetery!

The pain of losing you is breaking my heart.


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I cry. My tears fall. Onto dry earth. That covers. Your body. Buried underneath. I am so sad. No one understands. The battle going on within me. The loss I try to survive. Only those whose child died can understand how I feel. How many are there of us? Mothers and fathers who are trying to cope with the death of a child? Sisters and brothers who miss...you.

How I hate you death, you are my enemy! You have taken my child from me, that beautiful person whom I love and an important part of me. I grieve. There is this pain again, this time in my whole body. The pain is breaking me apart.

Mum, I am here. I am with you. I am not

lost. I am not dead. I only stepped out of

my body and into another world.

Mum, I am alive. I live. I live in this

beautiful place which they call Heaven.


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It’s a planet. Go out into the garden.

Breathe in the fresh morning air. Look at

the sky, full of lights shining like

diamonds. Beyond the North Star, deep in

the universe, there is this wonderful world

that I now live in. I can hear you, your

thoughts and your words. And I feel your

emotions. You cannot see me and you

cannot hear me but you can perceive me.

My presence is with you. Always. I am not

dead. Only the physical body, my earthly

house, is mortal. My spirit is eternal, and

so is yours.

Feel the wind on your cheeks. This is

me. Giving you a kiss.

Believe me when I say to you that in the

end, all shall be well. On the day that your


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spirit will separate from your body, you

will understand and see.

Me.

Feel the morning sun on your hair. This

is my hand. Touching you. Blessing you.

Feel the grass under your feet. These are

the millions of loving thoughts that I think

every day. About you.

While you heart has been broken, mine

has been mended. While your life has

been shattered, mine has been established

in this realm which they call eternity.

I love you. Oh, if you could only see me

where I am! And experience, this

joy, this peace, this life that I now have!

In this wonderful place which they call

Heaven.


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I got diamonds and rubies on my gown

woven out of pure light. A golden sash

around my breast, a golden girdle with

jewels and diamonds. And my shoes are

made of gold, a radiant gold unknown on

planet Earth. My face is radiant. Glowing.

I am so happy. Mother, I am so happy. I

want you to know that I am happy. So very

happy. More and more happy.


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UNDER THE BLOOMING

APPLE TREES

The apple trees are in full bloom. It is spring. Sparrows and red tits sing. Nature at its best. An ocean of colour. Pink and white and red here and there. There, two trees growing together. This is you and this is me. This is us, forever together.

Death has no power. Death is only the door into life liberated from all earthly sorrow. The wind comes and goes and plays with my hair. Freedom. There is freedom as far as I can see.

My child, you are in the apple trees. You are in the wind. You are in the warm


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sunrays. You are in the flowers. You are in the clouds. You are in the hills. You are in the woods. You are on the mountaintop and you are in the valley. I hear a beautiful laughther and I know, this is you. Wherever you are, there is joy. And you want me, to be happy. With you. You are in Heaven and I am on the Earth. You have gone home before me and I still have to wait.

Forget-me-nots. Daffodils dance with joy. Tulips, red and yellow, pink and purple and a carpet of violet, white and orange crocuses under the weeping willow. Margerits lift their heads towards the sky. Many paths that lead to many destinations. Am I on the right path if I let your death destroy my life? Or, is there another path, that leads me to victory? What is the right strategy to deal with your death? I need strategy, I need common sense. I cannot allow this to kill me.


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Life explodes all around me. Here we walked, under the blooming apple trees. Here, where it is always beautiful and where there is always peace. Under the apple trees we experienced Heaven on Earth. Free from all worries. Surely, there is more than just this Earth, this imperfect planet where so many people are sad and suffering. There must be another world out there, another planet.

There must be a Heaven. A world where everything is right and nothing is wrong.

Blue butterflies are playing over a poodle. A ladybirds sits down on my hand. I hear our favourite song. I see you dance. I see you jump. You are so full of life. I can’t jump as high as you. Flowers laugh in the meadow. A rain of apple blooms. A glistening veil intervowen with comfort they spread out before me and I step on them! I walk on this road called life and I just got to dance. And you are dancing with


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me. I see your face. You smilie at me. You run and you jump. This is life. Not a care in this world. Life is good.

Life explodes within me. I break the chains of grief and sorrow. I am helping no one if I cry because of you. Because you died. Or did you just relocate from a bad place to a good place?

Some little girls playing. They wear white daisy crowns. So did I. When I was a girl. Why does your death make me feel old? Am I afraid of death because I have never died before? The girls wave at me and I wave back. They look like princesses, each one so precious. What is the worth of a human life?

Under the blooming apple trees I am happy while my heart is crying out for you . I relive the precious moments that we spent here. The dream that we dreamt together. The love that we shared. The joy that we had.


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You were my future. You were my expectation. You were my consolation. You were my joy. You were supposed to carry name on among the living when I would join the dead.

My child, I understand, you want me to remember you with all the power of life in you. The good moments. The seconds of light. And to hear your voice, “Mum, I want to always stay together with you.”

I hear your shouts of joy. You did your best and so did I. You jump and run. Ahead of me. And I follow you. You have overcome death. You have overcome fear. You are on the other side. You have made it into real reality. You smile at me. And I smile back. You take my hand and lift me up. We dance in circles. We dance side by side. We run across the fields. Here is freedom. Life is power. Life is joy. Life is comfort.


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“Mum, I love you!” I hear your voice in the wind, in the sun, in this universe and I know that you live. I have given birth to you so that you would live. And you live. And I live. And this love that is in you and that is in me is STRONGER than death. You laugh. You sing. Your voice is so beautiful. Let us sing together. The dream that we dreamt together has not died. Let us dream on. Your destiny did not die.

When I gave you life, I gave you life forever. I created as the cocreator of the big creator a new being that is immortal. You. You are immortal. And so am I. There is hope for me because in this universe, nothing dies. Things change forms. And people change worlds.

It is time to stop crying! It is time to start rejoicing! My child, you are always with me. And you are everywhere.


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I can laugh again. It is a mystery but I will see you again. It is a secret but I will live together with you, again. I will always be your mother. You will always be my child. Pain, go away. Pain, you have no power under the apple trees. Because here I am connected to the true reality and I know that there is no death. The body, yes. But the spirit can never die.

My child, give me your hand, and let us run up the hill, past the rosehip bushes and over the stream, over the moss carpet and past the copper beech and let us celebrate life!

Mum, I am so glad, I am so happy, that

you can feel it, that you perceive, that I am

alive.

I live and so do you. I did not die and

neither will you.


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Hear the little bells ringing, the

tambourine, the bongo, the flute and the

harp and the voices of billions, the sound

of Heaven.

It’s in the wind, it’s in the sea, it’s in the

sun, it’s in the apple trees. Come with me,

let me tell you about this wonderful place

which they call the Kingdom of Heaven.

This Kingdom is unseen and this is the

secret, this is the mystery, this is the true

reality. This Kingdom is so beautiful that

no one who lives in it wants to ever leave

it and return to planet Earth.

Do not cry for me! Instead, rejoice with

me! Mum, I love you so much. I am telling

it to the wind, I am telling it to the sea, I

am telling it to the raindrops and every


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tree, that I love you. Mum, I am so happy

that you are alive.

I love you. I wish that you could see me.

Now. I will always be with you. I will

always be there. You are not alone.

You have not been deserted. I have

changed. And so will you. The caterpillar

becomes the butterfly. The apple bloom

the apple. I have changed from mortal to

immortal.

Mum, you are forever with me. Break

the chain of pain and grief! Pain and grief

are but chains. Get free!

A DAY OF HEAVEN ON

EARTH

My child, do you remember when, many years ago, we left the noise of the city and everything and travelled to the green valleys with the vineyards?

Yes, I do and I will never forget. You

were young and beautiful and I was small.

I remember how we climbed up the first mountain and there we stood on the top and enjoyed a view that was breathtaking. Over the mountains, the river and villages in the distance, a big monastery in the valley and another country in the distance. Life was easy. And we were free.


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Yes, and the sun was shining and there

was peace. My world was okay.

I remember, we walked up and down the the mountains, through the vineyards, and then down into the valley. There was this clear rushing river with all the beautiful fish in it.

Yes, and the water was cold and it was

pleasant in the shadow. I had hope and I

loved life.

We were on the mountain top when the sun went down. There was this church, over 800 years old, almost a century of history, and around the church this beautiful cemetery with the flowers as red as blood. The trees were so green and everything was fresh and alive. It was so romantic, just awesome, nature pure.

That was a day of heaven on earth.


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Yes, and Heaven is real although many

people do not believe it. The Kingdom of

Heaven is the best guarded secret of all

times. Were I am now I am having days of

Heaven all the time.

We were together. On that day. We didn’t talk much. We were just relaxing. I looked at you and I knew that you were a great future and destiny in the making. The church bells rang in the evening and we found a nice hotel.

Since you died, I suffer from stress. I have to go far away to find peace. It seems that peace left me. And so did joy. Why do I suffer?

Mum, you shouldn’t suffer. You should

already anticipate and think of your end.

You will not stay forever on this planet.


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One day you will leave and go to where I

am now.

If you could just see what a wonderful

world there is on the other side of this

limited and often unhappy life on your

side. If you could just see heaven...and me,

you would have peace.

SITTING WITH THE PRIEST IN OUR GARDEN

The priest came to our house and it was summer and it was hot and we discussed your funeral and the church service.

Someone was missing in the house, you.

He sat there, and the red roses were blooming. He said that who knows what you have been spared from by dying young.

I asked the priest about life after death and heaven. He said he does not know but it could be just floating around, somewhere out there in space.


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Floating around. Why does no one know for sure what happens when we die and after we die?

Why is death such a mystery?

Mum, I am here. Right by your side. I

have come in a golden chariot that you

cannot see. Angels are standing all around

the table and laughing.

Heaven is the most beautiful planet.

You and I, we have a wonderful house

in heaven. Mum, we have such a beautiful

mansion. You will love the flowers. You

will walk over carpets so soft and see the

colors of Heaven, blue, green, red, purple

and white in intensities unknown on

Planet Earth. You will love the fountains

and the soothing sound that they make.


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You will love the music.

The priest is an old man. He is confronted with someone’s death every day. He believes in the resurrection. He is still contemplating the meaning of living forever.

I hold my tears back. I could cry and cry and cry. There is a river of tears inside of me, a river that will never dry up. Death seems so final. The priest looks at me. He is tired but not defeated. He asks me about the music at your funeral service. Your favourite song. I cannot keep my tears back. I weep and weep and weep. Death is so cruel. I want you back. I want you to be here. No one has prepared me for burying my own child. I feel helpless.

Mum, don’t worry, I am here and I love

you. I don’t know why you make such a


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fuss about my dead body. I do no longer

live in that body.

Mum, discover the well of joy that is on

the inside of you. And let the joy come

out. You are unhappy because you cannot

see me. You cannot hear me. You cannot

touch me. But, you can perceive me.

Believe that I live. Believe in life and

not in death. If you believe in life, you will

manage and you will live. If you believe in

death, you will perish.

Mum, I love you. I love you. Can you

hear me?

What is the meaning of life, I ask the priest. He looks at me. He is searching for the answer, and he has been wondering all his life as I do now. I say, to love and to be loved and he nods his head. But, I object, all


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these tragedies. What is the meaning of life if my child dies before me?

We are both silent and look at the green leaves of the poplar trees. And then we both weep. He weeps bitter tears about his father who passed away, and I weep the tears of a a mother whose only child has died.

And we weep and weep and weep, and we cannot stop weeping.

YOU LOVE IT WHEN I VISIT

YOUR GRAVE

I am on ebay and order candles. For your grave.

It comforts me when I light a candle. For you.

The flame, burning, light on this dark and cloudy November day.

There is a bit of fog in the air.

And I think of you.

I take the car and drive through the city traffic. To the cemetery. And I wish I could change the direction of the course of your life.


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And I think of you.

The man with the white van, he sells flowers, is already there.

I drive onto the cemetery.

Flowers and graves, trees and graves, sky and graves, earth and graves.

Names on the graves, unwritten books of history. Poems that no one ever composed.

And I think of you.

This memorial built to the thousands of civilians who were murdered in this village far away in another country in World War II.

Men, women and children, they are all buried here. Their lives ended here.

The cemetery is not a happy place. No one is singing. No one is laughing. It is the atmosphere of death.


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I see your grave, there.

And I am excited. And I feel joy. And I believe, for you, this cemetery, this grave, is not the end.

I wonder why no one ever bothered to invent an exquisite and wonderful burial and death culture. Why do we bury people underground? In Ethiopia they bury the dead overground.

Mum, I am here. I do not live on the

cemetery, this is not the place where I stay.

I am here with you to comfort you and I

am so grateful and thankful that you still

love me and care for me. You do not forget

me. I am on your mind, always.

My child, here I am. I am always happy when I visit your grave. Why?

Because you love me.


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My child, I love you forever.

Thank you, this is what I want to hear. I

love you, too, forever.

I know that you love me forever.

Yes, that is the truth.

Let me pull some weeds out and let me put some fresh flowers into the vases.

I know you love flowers, and I love

them, too.

You know I love flowers, and I know, you love them, too.

You are so beautiful today.

This is a wonderful day. I miss you. I would give anything to have you back.

You are irreplaceable.

I love to hear you saying that.


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The lavender smells beautifully. I love the scent.

And so do I.

I suppose that I still got a job to do on Earth and that’s why I am still here. I don’t have a clue what this job is.

It is to stand strong in the face of

adversity.

It would be great to get some clarity on why I am still here.

I wish I could look into your eyes. This smile in your eyes, it always brought such joy to me. Just looking at you made me happy. Your presence was so precious. And now you’re gone. I am here. By myself. And I wonder and I do not understand. This tragedy.

I love you. And I miss you. Tell me, my child, how can I get to where you are now?


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It is not yet your time, mum. You cannot

leave, not yet. But the moment that you

will, I will be right there. Standing in front

of you.

Oh, how I wish that you were here

where I am. That you were with me. That I

could look into your eyes. I always saw the

love in your eyes. The love, that you have

for me.

I love you, my child. You are so special to me. You are so precious to me. I cannot believe that you are dead. I am surely only dreaming a bad dream and this dream will end.

I love you, mum.

You died, my child. You are dead.

But mum, I am alive.


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It’s good to be alone on the cemetery. I feel like you are here.

I AM here, only you cannot see or hear

me because you are on a different, a lower

frequency.

I can’t wait to see you again. I sometimes wonder whether it is really such a good that we live so long. Too many years ahead of me. The waiting is too long. There is too much desperation in the waiting. Too much grief and too much time. If only, I could turn the time back or fast forward it. If only...

You would calm down. And just love

me. And know that I am here. With you.

Always.

You are here. With me. Always. And you love it when I come to your grave.


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Let me light the candle. It is getting dark. How does one cope with the death of a child? There is a light fog in the air. A white veil to cover the weary.

I love you, mum. Don’t ask too many

questions, just believe.

I know that you are here. Money, job, possessions, they become meaningless when a person is confronted with death. I feel that you live. You have not dissolved. You have not ceased to exist.

This I feel, that you live.

I am alive, although I died.

NO MORE STRENGTH TO

LIVE

My child, I think of you. I got no more strength to live.

I got no more strength to fight.

Feelings, mum, these are just fleeting

feelings. Illusions of the mind. Carry on.

My child, I got tired of living. I don’t want to live anymore.

I want to have peace. I want to go home.

I don’t want to hold on to life anymore.

Mum, hold on to life. Don’t let go.

I have lost every reason to live. All my joy is gone. All my days are darkness and I am only waiting that my life will soon end.


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Mum, that is not the right attitude. You

always taught me to be a fighter and a

believer.

I look out of the window. The same buses. The same houses. Nothing exciting.

My life has become boring.

You hosted me, mum. You made my life

beautiful. Stop tormenting yourself.

No one taught me properly about death. I don’t want to end up in a wooden box in the cemetery with the winds, the rains, the sun, the storms and the years beating on the soil over my head. I don’t want my body to be underground with maggots and worms. I don’t want frogs and squirrels and birds to mess up my grave.

You won’t notice it, mother. You won’t

be in that grave. You won’t think about all


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the things that are driving you crazy, now.

Your entire perspective will change.

ALL SHALL BE WELL

All shall be well, mum. Believe it.

I believe that all shall be well, in the end.

Your sorrow will end.

You will see me again, and it will be as

if you had never lost me.

I believe that I will see you again.

I am forever your child.

You are forever my child.

All shall be well, eventually.

The turmoil in you will end.

I believe that peace and joy lie ahead for me.


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All shall be well. That’s what I heard

and that’s how it will be.

Open your hand and let me put my

hand into yours.

I feel like holding your hand, isn’t this silly? I feel like talking to you. I will always love you. You are always a part of me. You are flesh from my flesh, blood from my blood, bones from my bones and spirit from my spirit.

All shall be well, mum. Don’t give up

hope and faith. Don’t get weary. You will

see, one day, that you have a great reward.

You have a great reward and all shall be

well. Only believe.

I died but I live. I am alive. One day you

will understand and all your tears will be

dried up and there will be great joy.


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I believe.

THE MOMENT THEY TOLD

ME THAT YOU WERE DEAD

I remember the moment that they told me that you were dead,

I could not believe it.

Mum, I am so sorry that I caused you all

that grief and sorrow but it was my

appointed time to go.

I remember the moment when they told me that there was nothing that they could do to bring you back to life, I froze and my whole world fell apart. My whole life changed forever. And, my child, my life did not get better without you.


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Mum, it was so painless and exciting

when I left my body. I am so sorry that you

are so ignorant about death.

If you could see me now. I got limitless

power, never ending energy, I never felt

better than I feel today.

It is beautiful to die, mum, and to cross

over into the realm of eternity. It feels so

good to be dead, it feels so good to be fully

alive.

I remember the first night without you, the first day, the first week and the first month. It was so terrible. I never want to experience this again.

Mum, I am so sorry that you suffer so

much and about all the pain that I caused

to you.


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It was my time to go, my moment to

leave.

But, I love you, and I always will. I am

there, with you, always, wherever you go.

I remember the moment when they told me that you were dead. I thought no. I don’t know how I survived this moment.

Mum, I never said goodbye because we

never parted, we were never separated.

The only thing that changed is that we are

living in different worlds now.

I remember the moment when I realized that you would not open your eyes again, and that I would not see you again.

Mum, I have a different body now, a

body of light. I have eyes, hands and feet

and ears and legs and nothing is missing.


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Let me embrace and kiss you. I am so

sorry that my death was such a blow to

you. I did not mean to hurt you. I did not

want to cause any pain.

I remember the moment when you were gone. But, in my heart, I feel, that we are together. We always were, we always are, and we will always be.

I can’t wait to die and to experience death and the wonders beyond death myself. There is a beautiful world out there.

Yes, it is, mum. And you will live there,

one day, with me. Take courage. Your

appointed moment is on the way. Your

appointed moment is waiting. And it

won’t be too long. Until we, you and me,

will see each other, again.


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Über die Autorin

Renata Leuffen ist eine sehr mächtige Rednerin. Sie ist auch eine publizierte Schriftstellerin und Journalistin, Pädagogin, Lehrerin, Beraterin, Menschenrechts Aktivistin und Public Protest Artistin. Sie ist CEO und die Gründerin der Renata Leuffen Corporation, einer globalen Organisation für die Erneuerung des Bildungswesens und der Erneuerung von Regierungen, Unternehmen und Einzelpersonen.

Renata kann für Seminare und Workshops gebucht werden. Mehr Informationen finden sich auf der Webseite unter Booking Portfolio (Buchungs Programm).


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Renata Leuffen 315 Chiswick High Road Suite 243 London W44HH England Tel: +44 (0) 207 193 1259 Email: [email protected] Webseite: www.renataleuffen.com und www.renataleuffen.de

"My Child,You Died.But Mum,I Am Alive"

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