Modern Family

1 Modern Family Season5

Modern Family Season5.

Episode Air Date Page Family Tree501 Suddenly, Last Summer September 25, 2013 …………………………… 2502 First Days September 25, 2013 …………………………… 10503 Larry's Wife October 2, 2013 …………………………… 18504 Farm Strong October 9, 2013 …………………………… 26505 The Late Show October 16, 2013 …………………………… 35506 The Help October 23, 2013 …………………………… 43507 A Fair to Remember November 13, 2013 …………………………… 52508 ClosetCon '13 November 20, 2013 …………………………… 60509 The Big Game December 4, 2013 …………………………… 68510 The Old Man & the Tree December 11, 2013 …………………………… 75511 And One to Grow On January 8, 2014 …………………………… 82512 Under Pressure January 15, 2014 …………………………… 89513 Three Dinners January 22, 2014 …………………………… 98514 ISpy February 5, 2014 …………………………… 106515 The Feud February 26, 2014 …………………………… 114516 Spring-a-Ding-Fling March 5, 2014 …………………………… 122517 Other People's Children March 12, 2014 …………………………… 130518 Las Vegas March 26, 2014 …………………………… 138519 A Hard Jay's Night April 2, 2014 …………………………… 146520 Australia April 23, 2014 …………………………… 154521 Sleeper April 30, 2014 …………………………… 162522 Message Received May 7, 2014 …………………………… 177523 The Wedding (part 1) May 14,2014 …………………………… 184524 The Wedding (part 2) May 21, 2014 …………………………… 192

Karry's English

http://blog.naver.com/karryenglish


Modern Family 5x01 Suddenly, Last Summer

Jay : What's all this? I said one suitcase.

Manny : I need choices, Jay.

Jay : Colombia's not one of your more formal nations. The guy on their money is sitting in a lawn chair.

Gloria : Ay. I cannot believe that my little baby's leaving me.

Jay : You know, I left the glass doors open downstairs. So right now, your actual

baby may be leaving. Ahhh! One robe.

Manny : I guess we know what everyone will be talking about my second morning there.

Jay : Manny is visiting Gloria's family for about a month, I hope. I just have to get him on a plane before Gloria has a meltdown and changes her mind. 'Cos if

he doesn't go to Colombia, Colombia comes to me. It's happened before.

Gloria's family : ¡Ahí está! ¡Gloria! ¡Gloria! ¡Gloria!

Cameron : Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Gloria : What?!

Cameron : Oh! It's Mitchell. We won.

Gloria : Ay, that's great! What we won?

Cameron : It's fantastic. We've waited so long.

Gloria : What did we won?!

Mitchell : The supreme court ruling. Gay marriage is legal.

Gloria : Ay! Congratulations!

Mitchell : Thanks, Gloria. Can I talk to Cam?

Gloria : Uh, yes. Hold on. Here.

Cameron : Thank you. Thank you.

Gloria : Yeah, it's Mitchell.

Cameron : Hi. Hey.

Mitchell : I gotta go. But can you believe this finally happened?

Cameron : I know. It's amazing. We'll celebrate tonight. I love you.

Jay : Celebrate what?

Cameron : Oh. Well, Jay, hold on to your hat. But as of today in California, it's legal for a man to marry another man!

Lily : Ew. He threw up.

Jay : He just needs some time to get used to the idea, honey.

Gloria : It's so great, Cam.

Jay : Yeah, I'm happy for you guys. Gloria, Manny needs his birth certificate to

re-enter the country. Any idea where it is?

Gloria : I don't know.

Cameron : Oh, that's right. He leaves today. You must be a wreck.

Jay : She's not a wreck. She's a rock. Now, I looked, and it's not in the safe.

Cameron : This one had her first sleepover last week. I just had to tough my way through it.

Lily : He picked me up in the dark.

Manny : I can't find that birth certificate anywhere, Jay.

Gloria Maybe it's a sign and...

Jay : It's a sign we need a refresher meeting on what goes in the safe. Here's a

preview... no shoes.

Manny : Look, I looked online, and we can get a copy if we go to the courthouse.

Jay : That's what we're gonna do. In the car. We'll be back in an hour.

Manny : Hey, Cam. Congratulations. Go, gay marriage.

Lily : He did it again.

Gloria : Ay, sí.

Cameron : Okay. Well...

[OPENING CREDITS]

Gloria : So tell me, Cam. How does it work when it is between two men?

Cameron : Well, I don't really feel comfortable talking about that... in front of Lily.

Karry's English



Gloria : I know how that works. I rented the wrong movie once. Did you see

"Glen, Garry, Glenn, and Ross"?

Cameron : Uh, no. Why don't you go play?

Gloria : What I mean is, who proposes to who?

Cameron : I don't know. We've talked about it, if it ever became legal.

Gloria : Okay, and now it is. So are you going to do it today?

Cameron : Well, it just happened. I haven't really had...

Gloria : Oh, you have to do it today. Every couple deserve a beautiful proposal

story.

Cameron : Well, I have always adored my mom and dad's story. He plowed "will

you marry me?" into a snowy field right outside of her window. And then he tried to re-create it for their 25th wedding anniversary. But there was no snow, so he

burned it into a cornfield. Bad idea. You know, but mama did get a second ring out of it with the F.E.M.A. money.

Gloria : Ay, I wish I also had a romantic story. One day, we were watching TV before dinner, and Jay says, "Manny, hand me that thing." and Manny gives him

the ring. I mean, I was very happy, of course, but it is not the best story. At least Javier was on top of a dolphin.

Claire : Soldiers talk about that moment when they shut off, when the war finally wins.

Luke : Get down!

Alex : Shut up!

Luke : I can't see the TV!

Alex : Turn the fan on!

Haley : Oh, stop yelling! My head's going to explode!

Claire : For me, that moment is four days into summer vacation.

Phil : Hey, honey. What's up?

Claire : Do you remember when summer meant fireflies and cutoff shorts and

ice-cream trucks?

Phil : Well, one out of three. We'll get our time. They're all going away at some

point, right?

Claire : Yeah, Haley's got her beach trip, and Alex is doing habitat for humanity,

and Luke has camp. If I remember, I think we have six hours totally kid-free on... Oh, the 14th.

Phil : Hey, if we moved Alex's flight, we could have, like, 50 or 12 hours.

Claire : Dream bigger, hot pants. Step aside.

Phil : Sometimes I don't know if I love how much I fear Claire, or fear how much I

love her.

Claire : Ohh.

Claire : 22nd to the 8th for Alex, Luke to the 14th, Haley gets a day there. Come

on.

Phil : That's it, beautiful mind. Harness that crazy into something positive.

Claire : Shh! If I can get Alex to move her habitat for humanity from Oklahoma to Sacramento and Luke to move his camp session, they will both overlap with

Haley's vacation, and I just bought us seven kid-free days.

Phil : Witchcraft!

Claire : Yes.

Cameron : I've outdone myself, Gloria. I booked the restaurant from our first date,

the same table overlooking the ocean, and I'll do it at sunset, which I've recently discovered is my ideal lighting.

Gloria : That's so romantic.

Cameron : I know! Isn't it? Oh. Oh! Oh, okay. Oh, that's Mitchell. Gotta go.

Gloria : Oh, don't let him hear the excitement in your voice.

Cameron : You're right. You're right. What?

Mitchell : I'm at that coffee shop on 3rd, and I forgot my wallet. Can you come bail me out?

Cameron : Ugh. Isn't this convenient?

Cameron : It actually was. I was only two blocks away. But when I got there, I realized it was all a ploy so he could propose. But it was so sweet, I just decided to ditch my plans and let him do it.

Karry's English



Cameron : Mitchell, I'm so sorry, but there is a massive pileup on the 405, and,

well, I have to go pick up Lily. And maybe you could just call Claire or something?

Mitchell : Cam, Cam, I got, like, 50 cents to my name.

Waitress : Have you decided on a tea?

Mitchell : Do they all cost the same? Yeah.

Jay : Look at that line. Probably everybody getting their gay marriage license.

Manny : I think it's just called a marriage license. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we should go home and forget about it.

Jay : What?

Manny : I've been reading up on some of those tropical diseases... malaria, yellow

fever, rabies. I'm high risk, Jay. I'm a big hand shaker.

Jay : You're fine. You've had all your shots. And that Paco Rabanne will scare away any mosquitoes.

Manny : Jay, I'm scared. I'm not sure I want to go through with it.

Jay : We didn't drive all the way down here for that piece of paper for you to get cold feet at the last second. And what happened, anyway? You've been looking forward to this day for months.

Manny : I know. But maybe we should wait until next year. I'm still kind of young

to be doing this.

Jay : We're not waiting. I already paid for you, and your mother signed off. This

is happening. Great day, huh?

Claire : Hello!

Mitchell : Oh, thank God.

Claire : Mm-hmm.

Mitchell : I've had so many cups of tea, they gave me my own one of these.

Claire : Ohh. Here you go. So congratulations on the whole marriage thing.

Mitchell : How amazing is that, right?

Claire : Yeah. We gonna hear some big gay wedding bells soon?

Mitchell : Ah, well, just wedding bells.

Claire : Mm-hmm.

Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah, of course. We've always talked about it. But, you know, it's

just... just a matter of finding the right timing. And then there... there's a couple of other factors... the tax implications and estate planning.

Claire : Oh, stop. I'm swooning.

Mitchell : I'm just being practical. You're the same way. You... you told Phil to take

back your engagement ring and buy you a washer/dryer.

Claire : Well, don't put this back on me. Come on. What is Cam's biggest complaint about you? You're not romantic. This is your opportunity. Mitchell, you should go home tonight and surprise him with a big, splashy proposal.

Mitchell : He would really like it if I proposed to him. I guess I could stop after

work and pick up a card. And...

Claire : Oh, my God. You're hopeless.

Mitchell : I know.

Claire : Mitchell, okay. This is what you do.

Mitchell : Oh, boy.

Claire : It really should be your own idea, though.

Mitchell : No! Come on, come on. I need help. Please?

Claire : Fine. Okay. Tonight, you cook him his favorite meal. You open the best bottle of wine. And just as the two of you are sitting down to enjoy it, you break

up with him.

Mitchell : What? Why?

Claire : Because then, as he is at his lowest, you pop the question. He goes from

agony to ecstasy! It's so romantic.

Mitchell : You're kidding, right?

Claire : More traditional? Okay. Y... All right. You look into his eyes... And you say,

"I saw a doctor. He found a small dark mass."

Mitchell : What are you?

Claire : And then just as he begins to cry, you pull out a black box with a ring in it. There's your small dark mass! It's genius!

Karry's English



Mitchell : Y-you're a disaster.

Claire : You could go the disaster route, too. Did you ever hear how I told Phil we

were gonna have Luke? I said, "thousands of children die every day..."

Alex : Dad?

Phil : I'm sorry. Was I being proud of you too loud?

Alex : What are you doing?

Phil : Going off to habitat, helping all those people. Honey, I'm speechless.

Alex : Thanks. I just thought it was...

Phil : But are we sure about Oklahoma? There's so many needy people right up in Sacramento. And it's driving distance.

Alex : I already signed up for my work detail, and I've been e-mailing with my

tentmate.

Phil : Yeah. No, you're right. I guess it's just... No. Never mind.

Alex : What is it?

Phil : No, it's stupid. I've just never been so far away from my baby girl before. Not now, waterworks. Not now.

Alex : Oh, daddy.

Luke : You okay, dad?

Phil : Oh, hey, buddy. Never been better. You're so thoughtful. I'm gonna miss that when you go off to camp on the 14th. Little wiffle golf?

Luke : Wait. I can't go to camp on the 14th. I have to go when Carly's going.

Phil : Who's Carly?

Luke : Shh! She's this girl I like, and she's here right now.

Phil : Well, all the more reason to change camp sessions. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's foolproof.

Luke : Not this fool. Forget it.

Phil : What about all the new girls you're gonna meet? You're only 14. Do you really want to be tied down?

Luke : Yes!

Carly : Oh, Luke, watch. I-I got it.

Luke : Nice!

Carly : Oh, hi, Mr. Dunphy. Sorry we moved the furniture around. I was showing Luke the flip I did at tumbling sectionals. Oh, no. That's my mom. But I can leave

you guys this old movie I brought over. It's called "Dirty dancing."

Phil : Never let her go.

Phil : Hey, Carly's mom. Phil Dunphy. Big fan of your daughter.

Carly's Mom : Thank you.

Boy : Get off me!

Phil : So, yeah, heads up. Luke's got to change his camp session. You guys may

want to do the same.

Carly's Mom : No. My husband and I have been working the white board all week, and we just bought three days away from that.

Boy : It wasn't even me!

Carly's Mom : Bank it! Carly!

Gloria : Okay, Manny, remember, as soon as you land, watch out for Malaria.

Manny : Why? I got a shot for that.

Jay : Can we hurry this up?

Gloria : No, I'm talking about your cousin Malaria. She's coming to pick you up, but she might have Rubella.

Manny : What?

Gloria : That's her daughter. But make room in the car because she could have

diphtheria.

Manny : Who's diphtheria?

Gloria : Ay, Manny, diphtheria is a disease. That's why I want you to be apart

from her in the car.

Jay : Okay, let's go. Gloria, better say goodbye here. He's got to hurry to get through security.

Gloria : But there's no line.

Karry's English



Jay : For now. A senior tour bus just pulled up. You know how much private

wanding that is? Half their skeletons are metal.

Gloria : Ay, Manny, please. Call me as soon as you land.

Manny : I'll miss you.

Jay : And we're walking.

Gloria : I love you!

Manny : Wait.

Jay : No. Up!

Manny : I forgot to give mom this card I wrote.

Jay : Uh, no, no, no. I'll handle it. Safe trip, buddy. Safe trip. We're out of here.

Gloria : No, let's wait until he gets to the top. Adio mi amor!

Jay : Who wants ice cream?

Lily : What if he never comes back?

Jay : Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.

Lily : I did.

Phil : Hey, honey. I've been mulling over your Sacramento decision.

Alex : It wasn't exactly my...

Phil : Of course I want my baby girl close, but I got to get used to you leaving. Because college... and knowing you, a great college... is right around the corner.

Am I right? Now, Habitat will look good on an application, but does Sacramento really move the needle? I have another place in mind. Little hint... it starts with an "el."

Alex : El Salvador? Are you serious? They have an unstable government and... and

earthquakes.

Phil : Boats. Looks like there's a h-hill. I'm just saying, you don't push yourself at

this stage, you wind up at a second-tier college. Soon you've lost all your ambition. You're just drifting through life, hoping someone offers you an "M-R-S"

degree. Is that who you want to be? Hey, princess. Second breakfast? Fun. So, big beach trip coming up, huh?

Haley : Yeah.

Phil : Can't get better than late July, unless it's early aug...

Haley : Save it, dad. I know you and mom want the house to yourselves.

Phil : Nope.

Haley : I'm the last piece of the puzzle, right? What's it worth to you?

Phil : Fine. How about I pay for gas and two dinners?

Haley : Mnh-mnh. Gas, all dinners, groceries, two new bathing suits, a boogie board, one of those...

Phil : Are you crazy?

Haley : No. I'm also not done.

Phil : Yes, you are done. You know why? You know another way this shakes out? You don't go. That's right. Overplay your hand, I pull the plug, you blow your last chance for a good time with your friends. Word gets out that you're not cool.

Then school starts. You end up with your nose in a book all year. No friends, no dates, not caring how you look. Is that who you want to be?

Cameron : Turns out Mitchell really had forgotten his wallet, so proposing wasn't even on his radar. My plan was bulletproof. He was gonna be as blindsided as the

fattest hog on founder's day, and I was...

Mitchell : Pretty darn proud of myself. I had the ideal proposal. Cam once told me that all he wanted was someone to sit in a rocking chair and grow old with. So while we're at dinner, Claire is setting up two rocking chairs next to the fireplace,

with a bottle of champagne. Ohh. He is going to...

Cameron : Squeal like a berkshire white in a four-man pig toss. Gosh durn it, I miss founder's day.

Mitchell : This is a little bit fancy for just a quick bite.

Cameron : Well, who knows if they can even get us in? Let me check. Reservation

for Tucker. Is everything set up with the table? Yeah.

Mitchell : The restaurant where we had our first date, the sunset lighting that Cam loves... He was going to propose. I-I-I was so touched, but at the same time, he was ruining the one chance I had for romantic redemption.

Karry's English



Mitchell : Oh, I'm feeling really queasy, Cam.

Cameron : No, no, no. You'll be okay once we sit down.

Mitchell : I think I need to go home. Sorry. Oh! S... excuse me. Sorry.

Cameron : No, no, no. We'll get you some ginger ale, some crackers.

Mitchell : Mnh-mnh. I'm... I got to run to the restroom. You... you grab the car.

Cameron : Well, you'll feel better after you throw up.

Mitchell : Okay, new plan. We're coming back early. Is everything set up?

Claire : You said two hours. We haven't even left yet.

Mitchell : Well, hurry!

Claire : Just stall. Tell him that... Haley had a hemorrhage, and you're her blood

type, so you h...

Mitchell : I'm not doing that, you ghoul. Just get back to the house and...

Cameron : Gloria.

Gloria : Cam, how did it go? Did he...

Cameron : It didn't happen. I have to go with the backup plan.

Cameron : Fortunately, I had an alternate proposal scenario in case there was a

problem. Jay and Gloria were babysitting, so I asked them to re-create the picnic under the stars we had the night we moved in to our first apartment. Mitchell

would take one look and...

Mitchell : Sob like a Tony winner.

Gloria : I got the picnic basket. But you know what is going to be hard to find?

Jay : My interest in this whole damn thing?

Gloria : No, the blue-and-white tablecloth.

Lily : Here it is. It was in the occasions closet.

Jay : They keep their tools in a pillowcase, but they have an occasions closet?

Claire : What are you guys doing here?

Gloria : Oh. Cam is going to propose to Mitch, so we're here to help him set it up.

Phil : That is coconuts! Mitchell asked us to do the same thing for him.

Claire : Well, that just makes me want to stay and see how this whole thing works

out.

Phil : Oh, we can. Let's set it up and then we'll hide somewhere.

Gloria : Ay, yes, in the occasion closet.

Jay : No. We do what they asked and leave. We never had these problems. This is what happens when they let men marry men. That cannot be a coincidence.

Cameron : Sorry about the detour. I was just worried about the pileup on the 405.

Mitchell : Oh, take your time. The drive's actually soothing me.

Cameron : Oh! Oh, my gosh!

Mitchell : Oh! What... what was that?

Cameron : Oh. I think it's a blown tire. It's okay.

Mitchell : Well, I know there's a spare. Do... do we have the tools?

Cameron : Yeah, yeah. They're in the pillowcase in the trunk.

Mitchell : Right.

Gloria : Why do you have to be so grouchy? We're giving them a beautiful story. Everybody deserves one.

Jay : I'm an idiot.

Gloria : Oh, you're not an idiot. You're not as romantic as some...

Jay : These things peel off on the back, and I've been gluing 'em.

Gloria : Why do I even bother? You don't care about this stuff.

Jay : What's that supposed to mean?

Gloria : Yeah, like when you proposed to me. "Hey, Manny, hand me that thing." That's my whole story.

Jay : Hang on. That wasn't my fault. I had something big planned.

Gloria : You asked him for the ring.

Jay : I was asking for the remote. He jumped the gun. He was supposed to give me the ring later that night at the restaurant. The waiter was gonna come by and offer coffee. I was gonna say, "No, thank you. It'll keep me up, and lately, I've been

Karry's English



loving my dreams, and there's one in particular I hope comes true." Manny gives

me the ring. I say, "Gloria..."

Gloria : Yes, Jay! Yes, I marry you! I love my new story.

Phil : Little heads-up... there's no way I'm not crying at this wedding.

Claire : Phil, you cried on the way here.

Phil : I was on the brink already. I watched "Dirty dancing" before we left.

Claire : Yeah.

Phil : Text from my dad. Oh, no. He wants me to come visit him for a couple of

days, but it's right in the middle of our kid-free week.

Claire : Oh, that's too bad. I guess you could take two days.

Claire : I may have mentioned to Frank that Phil might be available that week. The

only thing better than a kid-free week is a couple of days carved out just for mama.

Claire : Perfect.

Phil : Yeah. Hey, you remember the day I oposed to you?

Claire : Of course I do. I don't remember the exact date, but, yes.

Phil : March 19, 1994.

Claire : Oh. Yeah. I was in such a bad mood that afternoon. I was on day two of a St. Patrick's hangover.

Phil : I don't remember that. I just remember how crazy in love I was. I couldn't wait to ask you. I even ran a red light on the way to pick you up. I still have the

ticket.

Claire : No, you don't. Why would you say something like that?

Phil : Are you kidding me? I was racing to my life. It's in a box at my dad's with a

bunch of other stuff... the program from that concert where I met you... ...the matchbook with the fake number on it you gave me... the souvenir goblet from

our first date. You really think I'd throw away all those beautiful memories... ...Milady? I haven't seen that stuff for a long time. I got to dig it out when I see my dad.

Claire : Okay, stop. Sorry.

Phil : What?

Claire : I told your dad to call you because I wanted some time for myself. Yeah,

couple of days away from my perfect, romantic husband, who is far too good for this cold-hearted, bloodless wife-bot.

Phil : Hey, hey, hey, hey. You have blood.

Claire : Honey, I just put the chairs in front of the fireplace. You made it romantic.

Mitchell's right. I'm a ghoul.

Phil : Come here. You're romantic, too, in your own funny way. We're just different.

Claire : Mm.

Phil : So what if I'm more sentimental?

Claire : Ugh. My mom.

Phil : I mean, sure... marriage needs romance. You know what it also needs?

Claire : "Spoke to Phil, and he suggested..."

Phil : Forgiveness.

Cameron : Okay. Spare, please.

Mitchell : Yes, doctor. I can't believe this has happened to us so many times, we actually have a system.

Cameron : Oh, I know. You've come a long way from the first time you ever saw a

jack. Remember, you couldn't believe...

Mitchell : I'm sorry. This is amazing. I am lifting a car right now. I am the

strongest man in the world.

Cameron : Oh, do you remember that time in Yosemite when it was snowing so bad?

Mitchell : Yeah. What was that, like six years ago?

Cameron : Oh, gosh. No, it was before Lily, so it was at least seven or eight.

Mitchell : God, it is... it's going by so fast.

Cameron : Yeah. You're telling me. You know, it's a different world down there than it was 24 hours ago.

Karry's English



Mitchell : Cam, tire. Tire!

Cameron : Oh, my gosh. Oh, my... oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Mitchell : It's gonna be a different world for the people in that yellow house. This is not at all how I saw the evening going.

Cameron : Ohh. Honey, you have no idea.

Mitchell : Do you remember our first apartment?

Cameron : Yes. What... what made you think of that?

Mitchell : I don't know. The stars. All right. Come on. Let's do this.

Cameron : Yeah.

Mitchell : Yes.

Cameron : Yes.

Jay : Hey, there, you with the stars on your thighs. Huh? It's an old song. I

thought I would... Eh, why do I bother?

Gloria : What is this?

Jay : Oh. Oh, that's from Manny. I was hoping to wait and give it to you in a

couple of days. But, uh, just remember that he's fine. He's only a plane ride away.

Gloria : Nice. I'm going to wash my face.

Jay : Okay.

Gloria : I hope that my cousins don't take him riding the horses or shooting the guns. I know that he's almost a man, but... Jay?

Jay : "Make sure you take care of Jay. Please call me after his checkup on Thursday. I'll miss you guys so much."

Gloria : Nice, huh?

Jay : Nice? I'm gonna mail him his other robe.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x02 First Days

Phil : Traditional "first day of school" pancakes. Whipped-cream smile?

Luke : Dad, I'm in High School now. Just put it in my mouth.

Claire : Okay, that's disgusting. Stop it.

Phil : Hey, save some of that bossing people around for the office, lady.

Phil : After a 20-year vacation, Claire is rejoining the work force.

Claire : Not a vacation. But I am starting a job at my dad's closet company. He's kind of grooming me to take over. I have a background in marketing.

Phil : I'm so proud of her. Oh, uh, speaking of marketing... we're out of milk.

Claire : I'm actually kind of nervous.

Phil : You're gonna be great. And remember, if you get into a jam, just do the

impression I taught you. Hey. You can hang your clothes in me. Christopher walk-in closet.

Claire : I'm not doing that.

Haley : Okay, relax, mom. You're working for grandpa. It's not even a real job. It's like that summer when I worked for dad. He was just trying to make me feel good

about myself. He didn't really need my help.

Phil : That's not true. I needed your help distributing all those fliers.

Haley : And I did. Wink, wink.

Luke : How are you already doing homework?

Alex : It's junior year. I have to get good grades. Don't you know how competitive it is out there? Stop pressuring me!

Haley : You know, this is what happens to kids when they're not sexually active.

Claire : Don't you have some studying to do?

Haley : Please, it's community college. They tell you to bring a glue stick.

Cameron : Hello. Yes, this is he... him... me.

Mitchell : Right the first time.

Cameron : I'll be right there. Mitchell, that was it. That was the call. I'm going in.

Cameron : Due to budget cuts, my position as middle-school music teacher has

been eliminated, so I've been working as a high-school sub.

Mitchell : Ka-ching!

Cameron : I never know when I'll be summoned to swoop into action. I'm kind of

like Batman. But except for a bat-signal, I get a phone call.

Mitchell : Yeah, you found the one difference.

Cameron : I hate to miss her first day, but do you mind taking Lily to school?

Mitchell : Oh, Cam, today? I got to prep for my meeting with Charlie. I only get him for an hour between his vacations in Aspen and Cabo.

Cameron : Okay, you need to confront him. And tell him his pathetic little midlife

crisis is making it impossible for you to do your job.

Mitchell : Because he responds so well to criticism. No, he'll fire me, and then

we'll end up having to get married in your family's barn.

Cameron : Oh, well, we need to book that soon. Because spring is hoedown

season, and then you get right into summer stock, so...

Mitchell : I don't believe any of that. All right, if I'm gonna take Lily, I need to hurry. Lily, sweetheart, let's get you dressed.

Lily : Hey, I've been dressed for an hour. Come on, I can't be late. I'll fall behind.

Mitchell : Sometimes I forget to factor in the Asian.

[OPENING CREDITS]

Phil : Buddy, I know a new school can be scary, so a little advice... every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment. Hey. Like, um, "I love your hair.

Awesome kicks.You have a beautiful smile."

Luke : Okay, dad, I'll tell that big guy over there that he's got a beautiful smile.

Phil : Fine. Skin, cheekbones, make it your own.

Luke : Um, could you maybe not walk me all the way in?

Phil : What?

Luke : I've got it from here.

Phil : Oh. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Give your dad a... Off you go. Alex! Hey.

Karry's English



Gloria : Ay, Manny, why are you so quiet? Are you nervous because of your first

day in High School?

Manny : Mom, after spending a summer in Colombia, I'm a changed man.

Gloria : Oh, my God, what did you see?!

Manny : Nothing, but I am an international jet-setter now. I'm sophisticated.

Gloria : And you think that the girls are gonna pick up on this?

Manny : If not, I still have my "unaccompanied minor" sign.

Gloria : Ay, I cannot believe that my little baby's going to the High School.

Manny : Mom, stop. You're embarrassing me.

Gloria : Ohh.

Boy : It's my first day, too. I could use a hug.

Gloria : Go!

Phil : Hey, Gloria.

Gloria : Hi, Phil.

Phil : First day of High School, huh? Is Manny excited?

Gloria : Ay, he was up at 5:00 in the morning, ironing. Ay, but he does that, too,

when he's depressed, so now I don't know. How was Luke?

Phil : Great. Yeah, he had a hard time saying goodbye. But, um, anyway, I think

I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee.

Gloria : Can I go with you?

Phil : Yeah.

Boy : Dude, I'm kind of working something here.

Jay : How many trucks would that take? Uh-huh. Give me a minute, Fred. New girl just walked in. That's disgusting. She's my daughter. Sweetheart, you look terrific.

Claire : Are you sure? 'Cause I have another blouse in... in here. It's the only thing in here, that and a pair of glasses. In case I need to read something or look

smarter.

Jay : Relax. It's your first day. Impossible to blow it. What are those?

Claire : Oh, cookies... I made them for the office.

Jay : Huge mistake. Fred, two more seconds I got a situation here. Put the cookies

down.

Claire : Why?

Jay : You're management. Makes you look desperate. Makes you look like you

want everyone to like you.

Claire : I do want everyone to like me.

Jay : You want everyone to respect you. You got to be tough. Keep your distance.

Claire : Well, maybe we are different kinds of managers.

Jay : Yeah, I'm yours. Just leave the cookies.

Mitchell : Look at you, my big first-grader. All right, I want you to make so many

friends and have so much fun.

Lily : Got to go! I can't wait to learn!

Mitchell : Be careful!

Lily : What?

Mitchell : Nothing.

Principal : Please do not be late. Let's go. Looking good.

Cameron : Uh, uh, Principal Brown? Yes. Hi. I'm Cameron Tucker. I was called in to

sub today.

Principal : Oh, yeah, you're in for Mrs. Hurley. Hello.

Cameron : Hello.

Principal : She has come down with a sudden case of rehab.

Cameron : Oh.

Principal : So do a good job 'cause this could be a permanent position.

Cameron : Well, prepare to feel like an old denim vest. Because I'm about to

"be-dazzling" you.

Principal : I don't know what that means, but okay.

Cameron : So, what am I teaching?

Principal : A.P. History.

Karry's English



Cameron : Oh.

Cameron : I desperately wanted that job. There was just one problem... I don't

know much about history.

Mitchell : Hmm. Do you know much biology?

Cameron : Not now, Mitchell.

Mitchell : What about your science book or the French you took?

Cameron : You're lucky I love you.

Mitchell : And I know that if you love me, too...

Cameron &Mitchell : ♪ What a wonderful world this would be ♪

Cameron : I really was in a jam, though.

Mitchell : Yeah.

Claire : My dad thinks that he can motivate his workers by being a cold, distant

authority figure. Well, if his style is so effective, riddle me this... why didn't I listen to him?

Claire : Hey. Hi. Sorry. I'm Claire. It's my first day, so I thought I'd say hi.

Man #1 : Oh.

Man #2 : Hey.

Man #1 : Hi.

Claire : Amazing. You guys are actually hanging out by the water cooler.

Man #2 : I have xerostomia. It's chronic dry mouth.

Claire : I'm... I'm so sorry. I-I-I-I was just doin' a thang, you know, like... Anyway,

um... My door's always open... to everyone.

Man #1 : That's Pritchett's daughter.

Claire : Um, yeah, but I don't want you to think of me like that. I'm... I'm a friend.

I'm a colleague. I'm just like you. I'm Claire, you know... worker bee, just... Great to meet you. Sorry to interrupt, and see you around. I do... I got to do this one. Who

am I? You can hang your clothes in me. Christopher walk-in closet.

Gloria : What is this?

Director : Oh, sorry, folks. It's closed. We're shooting a commercial.

Gloria : So annoying.

Phil : Listen, we just want to get a cup of coffee.

Director : Actually, we're short a couple of extras. How would you two like to be in it?

Gloria : Yes!

Phil : That sounds amazing. Hey, um, I see a couple of old people. This isn't one of those catheter commercials, is it? 'Cause if it gets too descriptive, I'm gonna

squirm. I just did it to myself.

Cameron : I did my best to cram for my lecture. On the revolutionary war, but,

ugh. All those names and dates... it's all so dry. Where's the drama?

Cameron : Good morrow!

Alex : Oh, boy.

Cameron : Oh, what is all this strange garb you adorn? Are you trappers from the Canadian provinces? Are you here to sell your beavers?

Student : Who are you?

Cameron : The 64-pence question. I crossed the Delaware during the revolutionary war. I spent a brutal winter in valley forge. Who am I?

Alex : I-I have no idea. I-I swear I don't know who this man is.

Cameron : I'm George Washington, of course.

Alex : Our syllabus says we're supposed to cover native Americans on the Eve of colonization.

Cameron : Yes. Native Americans. Indians! A majestic, peaceful people, who lived off the land and cried when they saw litter.

Alex : The textbook says many tribes were often at war, with allegiances shifting all of the ti...

Cameron : Shifting all the time!

Student : So, were the Indians friends with the colonists or not?

Cameron : Ah! Yes. I know one Indian who was friends with a construction worker, biker, and traffic cop. Uh, do y... nothing? Seriously, nothing? Okay, your parents are gonna love that joke.

Karry's English



Charlie : Okay, Pritchett, I'm here. You got a half-hour. I have my helicopter

standing by on the roof.

Mitchell : Is it even built for that?

Charlie : No. That's why you only have a half-hour.

Mitchell : Well, I'm not sure that's gonna be enough time. We have a ton to cover. We need to talk about new lease agreements and the workers' comp

package.

Charlie : 29 minutes. I think I hear creaking.

Lily : Daddy, I'm bored.

Charlie : Whoa. Me, too. This is why I shouldn't come into work between

vacations.

Mitchell : Why don't you sit at Natalie's desk and pretend to be my assistant,

sweetie? Sorry about that. My niece is coming to pick her up. Lily had an incident at school today where she...

Charlie : Hey, Pritchett, you're not some hot single mom I'm trying to seduce, so I don't need to hear about your kid.

Mitchell : Fair enough. So, lease agreements. Okay, I'm getting some push-back on the Miami location.

Lily : Mr. Pritchett, I have a Haley here to see you.

Mitchell : Oh. Okay.

Haley : Hi.

Mitchell : Hi, sweetheart. I'm in the middle of a meeting with my boss, but thank

you so much for helping me out.

Haley : No problem. My last class is a pass/fail. And it's community college, so it's pass.

Charlie : Hi. Charlie Bingham. Wow. Look at your eyes.

Haley : Oh. I-I can't.

Charlie : I like you. What do you think of these pants? It's part of our new

collection.

Haley : It's, uh, a lot of zippers.

Charlie : It's too many, right? And they poke into my thigh when I'm in my

helicopter. 'Cause I have a helicopter. It's not a big deal.

Mitchell : Okay, so, anyway, thank you.

Charlie : You seem to know a lot about fashion. I'd like to get your opinion on a

few things.

Haley : Sure.

Charlie : Yeah?

Haley : Yeah.

Mitchell : Actually, no, she... she needs to stay and watch Lily.

Charlie : Yeah, you can do that. Hey, princess. Hey. I love kids.

Lily : Daddy's office. You sound like a little girl.

Claire : Hey, you wanted to see me?

Jay : Thanks for "bzzzing" by. I hope you weren't in the middle of a "thang."

Claire : Okay, that did get a little away from me. But to be fair, I broke the ice.

Jay : Everybody thinks you're a dummy.

Claire : Not everybody. No, as a matter of fact, one of the guys in the break room asked me to lunch.

Jay : Don't say Todd.

Claire : His name is Todd.

Jay : Oh, no. You cannot go to lunch with Todd.

Claire : Why not?

Jay : You can't be associated with him. Up until an hour ago, he was the office

weirdo.

Claire : But he was nice to me, and he helped me set up my computer.

Jay : Yeah, that's his job. For now.

Claire : What does that mean?

Jay : I'm firing him as soon as I can find an I.T. guy who shows up on time and doesn't creep out the office.

Karry's English



Claire : I can't cancel on the one person who was nice to me.

Jay : You can, but you won't, 'cause you're the type of person who brings cookies

to the office.

Claire : Where are they?

Jay : Okay, we're done here.

Director : Okay, folks, you're just having a normal conversation, a typical day in a coffee shop, all right?

Phil : Roger that.

Director : Here we go, guys. And... action!

Actor #1 : How have you been, Roy?

Actor #2 : Ah, a little down. Helen and I really miss the kids, but we just can't

afford to visit them right now.

Actor #1 : Have you considered a reverse mortgage?

Actor #2 : What's that?

Actor #1 : Well, you have equity in your home, right?

Gloria : Mmm, this coffee is delicious!

Director : All right, you two in the back, we can hear you, so just mime your

conversation.

Phil : Mime... mime... I knew that. I was already doing that, so just follow my lead.

Gloria : Okay, sorry, sorry. We'll do it again. But everything else is okay?

Director : You haven't done anything else.

Phil : So, yeah?

Director : Back to one, guys. Action.


Actor #2 : Ah, a little down. Helen and I really miss the kids, but we just can't afford to visit them right now.




Actor #2 : Sure, we do.

Director : What are they doing? Is she answering an imaginary phone?

Actor #1 : But you still get to live there.

Actor #2 : Oh, that sounds too good to be true.

Actor #1 : Don't take my word for it. Here's Henry Winkler to tell you more.

Director : Okay, cut. Couple in the back.

Phil : Yep. No, I know. I know. Bigger?

Alex : The native Americans and the settlers had two completely different ideas of

land ownership. Eventually, these differences would lead to war.

Cameron : Oh. Look, goose bumps. Okay, yes. Uh, class dismissed. We did it! Thank you so much for stepping in. Oh, and I promise, tomorrow, I will do my best to be more prepared.

Alex : Tomorrow? Why won't Mrs. Hurley be back?

Cameron : Well, I don't want to be indelicate, but the good news is, is I might be your permanent teacher.

Alex : I don't want you to be my permanent teacher.

Cameron : Oh, what? You'd rather have a raging alcoholic?

Alex : Listen to me. I've worked nonstop to build the perfect academic record, and I'm not going to let you screw it up now. I have an P.P. test in 160 days, and I need to ace it. Can you get me there or not?

Cameron : I can rally like the brave men of the Alamo.

Alex : You do realize that all the men of the Alamo died?

Cameron : They all died!

Todd : Ruthie's older, so she thinks she's the boss.

Claire : Mm-hmm.

Todd : But for a little guy, Stu holds his own. They can be a handful. But, God, they make me laugh so hard, you know?

Claire : Wow. I did not know you could even tell the gender of a turtle.

Karry's English



Todd : Oh, yeah. It's called "sexing the turtle," and it's an eight-step process. Now,

let's pretend your hand is a turtle.

Claire : Okay.

Todd : What you do is you flip it over.

Claire : Mm-hmm.

Todd : And then you have to look right into...

Claire : Oh, okay. I get it. I get it. I think I get it.

Todd : Oh. I know. I'm droning on, aren't I? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Claire : Please, stop. Please stop!

Todd : Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Claire : You're not. You're not.

Todd : I am. But enough about my family. Tell me about yours.

Claire : All right, well, my husband Phil's a realtor.

Todd : That's funny. I'm buying a house.

Claire : Why? When?

Todd : Actually, we have the final walk-through today, sign the papers tomorrow.

Claire : Hmm. Th-that's a really big deal, Todd.

Todd : Yeah, and it's a bit of a stretch for us, too, but, uh, no, the time is right. We're just... we're gonna do it.

Claire : "We" is you and the turtles?

Todd : No, me and my wife.

Claire : A w... I'm sorry. You didn't mention your wife. That's great. I bet she's got

a big, fancy, high-paying job, right?

Todd : Uh, she's getting her master's.

Claire : In?

Todd : Latin.

Claire : Oh, Todd. This may not be the best time to buy a house. I hate to be the one to break this to you...

Todd : Oh. No, no, no, no, I got this.

Claire : No, you don't.

Director : Stand by, everyone.

Phil : I really felt like I nailed that last one.

Gloria : I still feel so stiff. I don't know what to pretend saying.

Phil : You're thinking too much. Just draw from your own life. Like, how was your

day today?

Gloria : Lousy. My own son didn't want to hug me.

Phil : Okay, so use that. My character, Dr. Stephen Wilson, is also sad because his son wouldn't take his advice. And he wanted to be dropped off a block away from

school. He expected that from his daughters. But thought his son would be different.

Gloria : That's so sad.

Phil : But Dr. Stephen Wilson is not going to let that ruin breakfast with his mistress.

Gloria : You know, maybe it's just time for us to... to accept that we have to let them go.

Phil : Maybe it is.

Director : Okay, everyone, here we go. We're rolling. And action!


Actor #2 : Ah, a little down. Helen and I really miss the kids, but we just can't

afford to visit them right now.




Actor #2 : Sure, we do.

Gloria : Please, no crying. You're gonna make me cry, too.

Actor #1 : Well, essentially the bank buys your house. But you still get to live

there.

Karry's English



Actor #2 : Oh, that sounds too good to be true.

Actor #1 : Don't take my word for it. Here's Henry Winkler to tell you more.

Phil : I don't want the Fonz to see me like this.

Charlie : It's a prototype. It can withstand the most extreme temperatures on the planet. It's waterproof, and it wicks sweat.

Haley : It also repels women.

Charlie : I know. I hate it. I'll burn it tonight! Aah! Actually, it doesn't burn.

Mitchell : Anyway, if we could get back to the lease agreements here.

Charlie : You're amazing. How would you fix it?

Haley : It's too boxy. Probably have to take it in here...

Charlie : Right.

Haley : ...and here.

Charlie : Yeah, I probably overdo it in the gym. Stupid 7% body fat.

Mitchell : Okay, so getting back to work.

Charlie : We are working. Why are we working?! I got to go to Cabo. Hey, you want to come with me?

Haley : Oh, I've, uh, never been to Cabo.

Mitchell : Yeah, she's not going to Cabo 'cause she's half your age.

Haley : How old are you?

Charlie : Who cares? Pretty soon, I'm gonna look 20. I've been meditating in one of those pressurized eggs.

Haley : Well, if I went to Cabo, what would the sleeping situation be?

Charlie : Not much.

Mitchell : Okay, no, that is enough! No! No! She is my niece! Okay? This pathetic midlife crisis of yours is... is hurting the company, and I'm getting so sick of cleaning up your messes. Y-you need to focus and you need to start acting your

age... your... your real age, not your egg age.

Charlie : Huh. Normally, if someone talked to me that way, I'd fire him. But I respect your honesty. I respect your passion. It's like me. I'm a very passionate

man.

Mitchell : Just focus.

Charlie : You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.

Haley : What's that creaking?

Principal : Oh, hey, you're going the wrong way! That's the wrong way! No! Wait.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Cameron : Uh, excuse me, Principal Brown.

Principal : Yikes. You know, most subs just play a movie. All right, do something

different, guys.

Cameron : Uh, listen, I-I can't be your history teacher. Those kids work so hard,

and they deserve someone who knows the material and can inspire them, so...

Principal : If you say so.

Cameron : Hey, I was wondering, what kind of play was that you were running?

Was that supposed to be a slant?

Principal : Our freshman coach quit. I'm just a glorified babysitter.

Cameron : Well, your receiver needs to learn to run his routes, or the

quarterback's never gonna be able to hit him. I-I played in college.

Principal : Oh. Okay. Hey, Tyler, you need to learn to run your routes.

Tyler : What routes?

Principal : Yeah, what routes?

Cameron : Um... Well, you're gonna line up here. Take three steps. One, two, three... plant right, open left 45 degrees up the field. Okay, why don't we try it

again? Try it again! Tip! Put some zip on the ball, 18!

Boy : Hut, hut, hike!

Cameron : Hit him! Better. Better. Good job. Circle back up. All right, anyway, thank you for the opportunity.

Principal : Hey, hey, how would you like to take over this team?

Cameron : Well, well, that's an interesting offer. How much does it pay?

Principal : Nothing.

Karry's English



Cameron : Are you firm on that?

Principal : Yeah, but there's a gym-teacher position available. It's all yours if you

coach.

Cameron : Can I wear shorts?

Principal : Yeah, and you get a whistle, too.

Cameron : Oh, I always get a whistle when I wear shorts. I humbly accept your offer. Huddle up, boys! Let's go! Hustle! Do you know what hustle means, 10?!

Claire : It really wasn't bad. Todd is a very interesting guy when you get to know him.

Jay : Did he tell you about his turtles, little Lulu and Stan?

Claire : Ruthie and Stu.

Jay : That's the name he picks? "Turtle stew"? Idiot!

Claire : Well, there was one little situation that came up, but I think I handled it

pretty well. He's about to make, um, kind of a big...

Jay : Hold on. Margaret, why can't I log in here? What's wrong with my computer?

Margaret : The whole system's down. No one can access files. We can't get online.

Jay : Where's Todd?

Margaret : We can't find him anywhere, and his Yaris is gone.

Jay : Where are my files?! What the hell?

Claire : I-I might know a little something about this.

Jay : What did you do?

Claire : Kind of told Todd that you were gonna fire him.

Jay : What?!

Claire : I had to. Dad, he's about to buy a house. But he was fine with it. He

hugged me and thanked me and told me that it gave him time to make a plan. Oh.

Cameron : Gentlemen, today is a new beginning. And that can be scary.

Gloria : How did it go, Mr. Jet-setter?

Manny : Good. Really good.

Gloria : Do you want to talk about it?

Manny : No.

Cameron : I'm gonna ask things of you that may not make sense right now.

Matt : See you tomorrow, Luke.

Luke : Not if I see you first. There it is! There's that smile.

Cameron : But they will.

Luke : Hey, dad.

Phil : Hey, buddy.

Luke : We're at school.

Phil : Yep.

Cameron : Success is not guaranteed. It is not handed to you. Success is earned.

Jay : How's that data entry going?

Claire : Good. I am up to 1998.

Jay : Ah, that's when I'd already been doing the job 20 years.

Claire : So maybe I should listen to you?

Jay : Get you home a lot earlier.

Claire : Thanks, boss.

Cameron : Today, we are forging a new path, people! The only thing we have to

fear is fear itself!

Boy : Wrong president.

Cameron : Just keep pushing!

Boy : Okay.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x03 Larry’s Wife

Phil : I'm mad for you Diane. Roger's dating already? OMG, I wonder if she's younger than him. You hold on a second? Lorraine, how's my favorite client?

Phil : I've been on something of a hot streak at work. I've tapped into a rich vein

of new clients... recently divorced moms. You might say I hit the single-mother lode.

Phil : How about that master suite, huh?

Lorraine : Maybe if I had someone to share it with.

Phil : Lorraine, you are a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. Should we make an

offer?

Diane : It's a great house, but I'm just gonna be alone.

Phil : Diane, you're not gonna be alone. You're gonna get a loan.

Luke : Sodas, snacks... poker game's in the basement.

Haley : Look, I need more sleep than you, and ever since they cut down that stupid prune tree, the sun has been right in my eyes every morning.

Alex : It's not a prune tree. They pruned the tree. And I'm not switching places with you, so you should just put your head at the other end of the bed.

Haley : Uh, why? So my feet get the pillow? And I'm the dumb one.

Phil : Diane, you have got to forget about him. Roger's Cheyenne's problem now.

Claire : Honey...

Phil : You know what? You need to talk. Starbucks for a little go juice? What is

up?

Claire : I need to go into the office. My dad wants me to close out the monthly.

What?

Phil : Monthly. Never mind. Go on.

Claire : I'm stretched a little thin today, so I need you to do the grocery shopping,

check in on the kids, and maybe clean up those branches in the front yard.

Phil : Done and done.

Claire : Is that an expression, or did you really only remember two of the things I

said?

Phil : The second.

Claire : I'll leave you a message.

Phil : Hello?

Claire : Phil.

Phil : Sorry. Call back.

[OPENING CREDITS]

Gloria : I have bad news, Jay. Joe was thrown out of the gymboree.

Jay : Again? What happened?

Gloria : He pushed Mason. He made him cry. The teacher said that we cannot go

back.

Jay : That's ridiculous. Mason's a big baby.

Gloria : Everybody there is a big baby. But Joe plays very rough. And we know why. It's the curse.

Jay : Not that I'd ever want to discourage you from whispering, but that's not a

thing.

Gloria : There is a mark of the devil in my family. My great-great grandfather was

given the location of an emerald mine in exchange for his soul.

Jay : There's, like, paperwork or something that proves this?

Gloria : And they say that the day of his daughter's wedding, a great bird came

from the sky and snatched him with his claws and took him far, far away.

Jay : You're aware that a remarkable number of your stories end with a family

member being carried off by a giant bird.

Gloria : I only know what I was told, Jay.

Jay : I'm just saying after the third time, we might think about moving the party

inside.

Gloria : Okay, maybe it's not the curse, but you know that my family has a very dark side. My cousin Aurelio is a horse thief. My Uncle Carlos fixed soccer games. My aunt...

Karry's English



Jay : Did he teach them to pick the ball up and throw it down the field? 'Cause

that's the only way you fix soccer.

Gloria : Manny escaped it, but I am not sure about Joe.

Jay : Gloria, this is about an uptight teacher. And so what if Joe's a little

boisterous? Whatever happened to letting kids be themselves?

Manny : Ready.

Jay : Lose the hat.

Manny : I guess I'm supposed to see "Sound of Music" in a regular hat.

Jay : Nothing against "Sound of Music," but there's a lot of other things we could do this afternoon. You ever hear of "Death Wish"?

Gloria : Oh, I love "Death Wish." Manny, that's the charity where the sick kids go to, like, a concert with Madonna or to the super bowl with Justin Bieber, or they...

Jay : No, no, no, no, no. It's a movie... New York, '70s, Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and he...

Manny : Who's pushed to the limit until one day he decides to fight back.

Jay : You've seen it?

Manny : It's called "Death Wish." I doubt it ends with him trading banter in an apartment with Marsha Mason.

Mitchell : Hey, fiancé?

Cameron : Hello, my intended.

Mitchell : That one sounds a little murdery.

Cameron : You are my intended.

Mitchell : Stop it. Stop it!

Cameron : So, while you're out, I'm gonna review our flower options, and I have to say, so far, I'm partial to Floral and Hardy, but I'm gonna give one last look at Florist Gump.

Mitchell : You love a business with a clever name.

Cameron : I do. Guilty. Can I just say I love how this is going?

Cameron : Mitchell and I agreed that I would be in charge of the wedding after

the tragic news last week from the Andys.

Mitchell : Uh, not the mountain range. No. Our friends Andrew and Andrew... they

broke up.

Cameron : The stress of planning a wedding was too much. They were quibbling

about...

Mitchell : Everything. I mean, uh, which is why I'm just happy to stay out of his

way.

Cameron : Yeah, I dream big. Then I winnow down. Dream big. Winnow down. Dream big.

Mitchell : Okay, winnow down.

Cameron : Yep. Stay out of my way. Sorry.

Lily : Daddy, where's Larry?

Cameron : Oh, well, you know how cats are, sweetie. They're... they're wanderers.

Lily : But I haven't seen him in days.

Cameron : Well, he'll be back, okay? Trust daddy on this.

Lily : Okay.

Mitchell : You know, I'm starting to get worried that Larry might not come back.

Cameron : Oh, he's definitely dead.

Mitchell : What?!

Cameron : Yeah, street meat or coyote chow. We'll wait a couple weeks, and then

we'll get a new Larry.

Mitchell : Uh, you're pretty nonchalant about our family pet dying. And shouldn't

we help our daughter process this loss?

Cameron : Yes, we will, and she'll be fine. And it's not nonchalant. It's farm life. Death is everywhere. You just learn to not get too attached to anything.

Mitchell : Oh, so, what, if I were to die, you would just wait a few weeks and then replace me?

Cameron : Of course not. Where would I find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?

Karry's English



Luke : What's happening, Big Al?

Alex : Yeah, let's go ahead and veto that nickname.

Luke : Hey, Reuben taught me this cool trick. Close your eyes.

Alex : Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?

Luke : You kissed a girl. Now we're even. Just paying off a poker debt.

Alex : Luke's creepy friend just kissed me.

Haley : Ew. Reuben? That little weirdo?

Reuben : I'm still here.

Alex : I'm gonna go boil my mouth.

Luke : Oh, hey, guys. Game's downstairs.

Haley : Hey. This little game you dorks play, we talking milk money or heavy cream?

Luke : A lot of fresh bar mitzvah money down there.

Haley : Mind if I sit in?

Luke : We kind of got a no-girls policy.

Haley : Is it a policy or just something that keeps happening?

Luke : The second.

Mitchell : Hey, honey.

Cameron : I am so excited I can't stand it!

Mitchell : If you're gonna move your hands around like that, you need to put the

phone down.

Cameron : Okay, okay, okay. For cocktail hour, they're creating a running waterfall

onto which they're going to project a hologram of us embracing.

Mitchell : But we're still winnowing, right?

Cameron : Already winnowed. I cut the angel costumes. Hard choices, Mitchell.

Okay, I got to go. I'm so excited!

Mitchell : Yeah, me too.

Mitchell : Best thing about my relationship with Cam? Trust. Newsflash... I can be

an obsessive person. In the past, I've had trouble letting someone else call the

shots. Giving up control made me crazy. That's what makes my life with Cam so freeing. I can turn over big things to him and never give them a second thought.

Out of sight, out of mind. Bye-bye.

Claire : Phil. This is... Oh! Oh, my God! Phil? Phil?!

Alex : Yeah, I was just sitting there, and he basically molested me.

Claire : Excuse me?

Boy : She's talking about Reuben.

Claire : Who are you?!

Haley : You boys better have money. I am not doing this for free.

Claire : W... w... what's... what's happening?

Phil : Oh, I hear you, Joyce. His time's important. Your time isn't, right? Let me buzz you back, superstar. Mm-hmm. Okay. Hey, honey.

Claire : Branches are still in the front yard, I just took a rake to the face, Reuben is getting really weird on Alex, and Haley's doing something for money in the

basement.

Phil : It's all gonna be fine. Daddy's home, superstar.

Claire : No. Don't call me that. I'm not of one your needy little divorcées.

Phil : Um, that is work.

Claire : Is it? 'Cause I kind of feel like part of you loves being a hero to those women.

Phil : I'm a helper of people. Hey, you knew what you signed up for when you hitched your wagon to a realtor man.

Claire : Honey, when I met you, you were a wedding deejay. By the way, Spinderfella, looks like you still need to hit the grocery store.

Phil : I think someone's feeling neglected. Yes, I deal with a lot of lonely women,

but there's only one I'm married to.

Claire : You're getting too involved, Phil. You are juggling these women, and

you're not that good a juggler.

Phil : Now you're just lashing out!

Karry's English



Gloria : I didn't tell Jay, but sometimes Joe even scares me. Lucky for me, there

are professionals that are trained to deal with such problems.

Gloria : Ay, thank you for coming, padre.

Father Marquez : Oh, of course, Gloria. And this must be Fulgencio.

Gloria : Mm-hmm.

Father Marquez : What a beautiful little boy. He's such a sweet nature. I can tell he's a gentle soul.

Gloria : Ah! Hey, Fulgencio, no, no. Sorry, padre. Ay, that's why I called you, father. I think he's bad. There is evil in my family.

Father Marquez : Ah, Gloria, he's just a little baby.

Gloria : Last week, his eyes got red, and the dog backed away.

Father Marquez : He probably just had a cold. All mothers worry. Look at him... rosy cheeks, he's playing with his blocks.

Gloria : The six again.

Jay : So, Joe knocks one kid down, he's out. All kids do that. Why do you think your whole building is made out of nerf? Yeah, you see where he gets it from. Hey, listen, I'm not afraid of you, Miss Debbie. You're not the... damn it.

Manny : Sounds like someone needs a relaxing trip to Nazi-occupied Austria.

Jay : Can't believe she hung up on me.

Manny : Well, you were yelling at her.

Jay : Standing up for yourself is not the same thing as, uh... Excuse me.

Manny : Uh, come on, Jay.

Jay : So no one ever taught you manners, huh?

Filmgoer : Whatever, dude.

Jay : No, you bump into somebody, you apologize. And since I'm teaching you

something here, here's a little class called "intro to pants."

Manny : Jay, stop!

Filmgoer : Get off me!

Manny : I go to school with those kids. You know how embarrassing that was?

Jay : Manny.

Manny : No. Why do you always got to be like this... judgmental, hot-tempered,

loud? These are a few of my least-favorite things.

Phil : Well, I can see that the house speaks to you Diane. "Buy me." Not now,

house. Ah, the open floor plan, the spacious kitchen.

Diane : I do love it.

Phil : Yeah. Oh. That's... that's the office. Why don't you take one last look at the

backyard? Did someone say barbecue? "I did." Lorraine, what is up? Nothing. Just kicking it at the office. Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, now. Tell Phil what happened.

Diane : Phil, can I go in the garage?

Phil : Make yourself at home, sister. Hey. That was my sister who is visiting town... and my office, which is where I am calling you from. You called me.

Lily : I'm worried about Larry.

Cameron : Oh, honey, I know.

Lily : Where is he?

Cameron : Um, Lily, there's probably something I should tell you. Larry's not coming back home.

Lily : Why? Is he dead?

Cameron : Nope. Um, not dead. Larry, uh, met someone, fell in love, and he got married.

Lily : Are they ever going to visit?

Cameron : I'm afraid not because when cats get married, they have to move to, um, the forest, and so then they're not tempted by other cats in the city.

Lily : It's Larry.

Cameron : I know. Even people that you would never expect have moments of weakness.

Lily : No, over there. But where's his wife?

Cameron : Hello, Larry. Larry's back. Yeah, uh, well, you know what? I think they probably, uh, didn't work out, and they broke up.

Karry's English



Lily : People get married and then break up? What if that happens to you and

daddy?

Cameron : Oh, y... you know what? Daddy made a mistake. Uh, Larry and his wife didn't break up. Larry's wife... died.

Lily : Oh, no.

Cameron : Yeah. That's why we're gonna give him the closure he needs by

throwing, um, a funeral to celebrate the remarkable life of Larry's wife. It's gonna be great. You know what? We're gonna have music, we're gonna get a shoe box...

we're gonna have candles. Yes. Hi, Florist Gump. It's me again.

Cameron : It felt good to handle that crisis on my own. In the past, I would have

had to run to Mitchell, but he's been trusting me more and more. I'm so proud of him. He's really learned to let things go.

Mitchell : Oh, no! God, no, no, no!

Alex : What?

Luke : It's a bloodbath down there. We lost everything.

Alex : I thought you were good.

Haley : I always beat Dylan. Come on. We need your help. You're the best card player in this family.

Alex : What's in it for me?

Luke : A chance to be a good sister.

Alex : Pass.

Haley : Reuben's been telling everyone you slipped him the tongue.

Alex : Move.

Lily : I thought cats had nine lives.

Cameron : Yeah, and they do, but Larry's wife was older than he was, and she'd been married eight times before.

Lily : Like Elizabeth Taylor?

Cameron : Oh, you remember our bedtime stories.

Dylan : Hey.

Cameron : Hey. Oh, Dylan, thank you for coming on such short notice. I just need

you to dig a hole right over here. Thank you.

Dylan : Oh, no problem. So, Lily, I'm really sorry. How's Larry doing?

Lily : Fine. He's a happy cat.

Dylan : Oh, they're cats. That's gonna make my job a lot easier.

Cameron : Okay, everyone, thank you for coming. It means a lot to Lily, and it means a lot to me. Angus? So, Larry's wife what can I say? She loved Larry. And,

um, you know, like all cat marriages, they had their ups and their downs, but they always landed on their feet.

Dylan : Oh, hit a rock. Oh! Not a rock!

Cameron : Okay, everybody! Please stay calm! Please stay calm! No running! It's slippery! Angus, keep playing! Okay.

Mitchell : Randall!

Randall : Yeah?

Mitchell : I'm up here.

Randall : Mr. Pritchett? This is all intern work. It isn't for my band. Need me to do a coffee run?

Mitchell : No. No, uh, listen, I was... I was cleaning, and I got stuck up here, and I

need you to go into my office and stand up the ladder that fell.

Randall : Got it. And I'm sorry about lying before. Those are flyers for my band,

the interns. Uh-oh. Your door's locked.

Mitchell : Oh, no.

Randall : But, hey, I... I think, if you keep going forward, then back your legs out

through the vent, I can grab them to help you down.

Mitchell : Oh, I don't know. That makes me a little nervous.

Randall : Just think about something else. I heard you're getting married. How's

that going?

Mitchell : Oh, yeah, yeah. It's... it's good. It's good. You know, we're planning it

right now. Actually, it's being planned for me.

Randall : That's nice. No stress.

Karry's English



Mitchell : Oh, you'd think, huh? But it's getting a little bit out of hand.

Randall : Oh, that happens with weddings.

Mitchell : Does it?

Randall : I mean, how many weddings have you been to that have something called a dove Cannon?

Mitchell : You know, I think I should have a say in something like that.

Randall : You need to let go, Mr. Pritchett.

Mitchell : I... I can't. I... I wish I could, but I can't. I just... it's freaking me out.

Randall : No, I've got you already.

Mitchell : Okay. Oh. Thank you.

Randall : You know, I'm pretty good at reading people, and it sounds like you and your lady really need to talk this out.

Mitchell : Yeah, maybe you're right. So I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I'm gay.

Randall : Oh, my God. Does she know?

Mitchell : Got to save something for the wedding night, huh?

Cameron : Riley, no! Buster, please sit! Dylan, help!

Dylan : I can't! These cats and dogs are fighting like... oh!

Cameron : Okay, everybody, I'm sorry. This was supposed to be a small service, but I don't winnow down. I overdo. And if I let a simple fake cat funeral get out of

hand, how am I supposed to plan an entire wedding? You're late. Okay, I need Mitchell.

Dylan : Good news. He just pulled up.

Cameron : Damn it. Okay, in. In, in. Yes. Okay. And, please, can somebody catch that thing? Okay, all right, stay. Everyone just...

Cameron : Hey! How was the gym?

Mitchell : I never made it. Listen, Cam, I got to talk about something.

Cameron : I do, too. What would you think about being more involved with the

wedding?

Mitchell : That's what I wanted to talk about. I would love to.

Cameron : Thank God. You know, I just think we're we're better together.

Mitchell : "Better together." Mm, I like that.

Angus : I cannot be in a house with snakes.

Mitchell : How bad is it?

Cameron : Gonna need about an hour.

Mitchell : Wow. Okay.

Jay : Here you go. I got you sno-caps, 'cause, you know, at the end, they escape across the alps.

Man : Thanks for ruining it.

Jay : Calm down. The movie's 50 years old.

Manny : Making friends everywhere, aren't you?

Jay : Listen, you always say, "Express your feelings." When I get mad, that's what I do.

Filmgoer : Hello? Yeah, I can talk. My parents dragged me into this stupid movie.

Manny : Go ahead, Jay. Feed him his phone.

Filmgoer : Yeah.

Jay : You're telling me that doesn't bother you?

Filmgoer : I can't hear you. Talk louder.

Jay : I'm just saying...

Filmgoer : Uh-huh? Yeah.

Manny : If we give in to every impulse, we're no better than wild animals.

Jay : But if we push it down, it eats you alive.

Manny : Not if you just let it go.

Filmgoer : The chick from that crapfest "Mary Poppins."

Manny : That's it.

Filmgoer : Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Manny : A lot of cold, lonely nights in that apartment by myself while my mom

Karry's English



was driving a taxi, and only one thing kept me company. So, you got a problem

with Poppins, you got a problem with me.

Gloria : Ay, father, I am so sorry. I didn't even know that he could hold a fork.

Father Marquez : No, no, no, I blame myself. I probably shouldn't have taken his

nose.

Gloria : No, it's my family. The girls are very chesty, but the men, they're kissed by

the devil.

Father Marquez : loria, the fact that you are so concerned is only proof that you are a loving and caring mother.

Gloria : Huh?

Father Marquez : It's the parents who shape the child. And your son is growing up in a wonderful home.

Manny : Die, scum!

Jay : No, no, no! Louder, like you did at the drive-through.

Manny : Mom, Jay and I saw "Death Wish." Amazing.

Jay : Manny got in a fight at "The Sound of Music," got kicked out. I've never been so proud.

Father Marquez : Well, I guess every household could use a little fine-tuning,

huh? Let me give you my card with my cell number on it.

Gloria : Please.

Father Marquez : And what did I do with my wallet? I...

Claire : I had yelled at Phil for not helping out, and there he was, doing exactly what I had asked him to do...

Phil : Here's our zucchini. Up top, buddy.

Claire : For some other family.

Lorraine : You are so sweet for helping me with this.

Phil : How hurt you've been, Lorraine... This is sweet. This is...normal.

Diane : Phil?

Phil : Diane? Hey, superstar.

Lorraine : I thought I was superstar.

Diane : Oh, your husband has been so wonderful to me.

Lorraine : He's not my husband. He's my realtor.

Diane : Oh, he's my realtor.

Phil : I'm both your realtors. I... I'm just lucky to have such a... We're on our way to

an open house.

Diane : Oh, is that why you couldn't show me The Colonial later? I made that corn bread that you like.

Phil : W... we're gonna make it to that. I just have to finish up with Lorraine.

Lorraine : Oh, you mean, like, "get it over with"?

Phil : No, I... I don't mean that.

Lorraine : And I thought zucchini bread was your favorite. Why... why am I buying zucchini?

Phil : Hey, can't a guy like zucchini bread and corn bread?

Ronnie : Phil?

Phil : Damn it. Ronnie!

Ronnie : I thought you had a doctor's appointment. That's why you had to Miss

Darrell's swim meet.

Diane : Who's she?

Phil : Just another client.

Ronnie : "Just another client"?

Phil : No, that's... what is this? Uh-oh, it is. It's my office. Got to take it. Hello?

Claire : Phil?

Phil : Claire?

Claire : World's greatest realtor. What are you doing here? Your hair is sweating.

Phil : That's 'cause I'm excited to see my friends. Let's go, buddy.

Claire : Are you all clients of Phil's?

Lorraine : Apparently.

Karry's English



Claire : Well, you could not be in better hands. I met Phil when I was at such a

rocky place in my life. He was available to me morning, noon, and night. Of course he found me my dream house, but that wasn't the best part. Phil taught me how

to trust a man again, and I think that was always his plan.

Phil : That was always my plan.

Claire : And it was not easy for me to trust a man after the husband that I'd had.

This guys left tools in the yard, let the kids run wild.

Phil : Well, great to see you, Claire.

Claire : He was always interrupting me. And he wore the most ridiculous sleep-mask thing.

Diane : Oh, God, sounds like such a diva.

Claire : Yeah.

Phil : Or he's photosensitive, which is a real condition.

Claire : He never took my advice. You know, that's the worst part. He never... he

never said he was sorry just one time. I would kill to have heard, "Claire, you were right."

Phil : She was right.

Claire : Louder.

Phil : I do not love this side of you.

Haley : Thanks for winning my computer back.

Luke : And getting me all my money. That was awesome.

Alex : Yeah, if only I had stopped there, but I had to go back down. I got greedy, and I was careless.

Haley : There's a story about that I remember from school. Icarus flew too close to his son. I think their wings bumped. One of them fell. They might have been

ducks. Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to pay attention.

Luke : Or pay the ultimate price.

Reuben : Shall we, my dear? Don't wait up.

Alex : Wait up.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x04 Farm Strong

Phil : I remember before we got kids and I could just lie in bed on Saturday.

Claire : That's how we got them.

Phil : Why did I have to be so sexy?

Phil : A few months ago, Luke joined the club soccer team and at first we were

thrilled.

Claire : But then we realised it takes over your whole weekend.

Phil : And not in the cool MythBusters marathon way.

Claire : Luke sits on the bench. A lot. Which means we sit at the hot sun for like 8 hours, just to see him play 5 minutes.

Phil : But what a five minutes. Tell them about last week.

Claire : Oh. Yeah. Luke stopped a goal with his face.

Phil : Too bad he doesn't remember that.

Claire : Yeah.

Claire : What if we sent Luke to the game without us today?

Phil : We can't do that.

Claire : Why not? Missing one tournament doesn't make us bad parents. My mom never went to any of my stuff. I'm fine.

Phil : Why didn't she go to any of your stuff?

Claire : Because she was an incredibly competitive woman who didn't like to see me do very well at anything, but I think it's pretty clear who won. I'm working now, you know, and I really need my weekends back to... to catch up on errands.

Phil : I don't know. It just feels wrong.

Claire : Would it feel wrong to use that robot gutter cleaner that's been sitting in the box for the last three weeks?

Phil : No, that would feel right... so right.

Claire : Mm-hmm.

Phil : Did I tell you I call it "the gutter done"?

Claire : You did! I love "gutter done." It's your sense of humor. It's so fun.

Phil : Okay, stop drilling. You struck oil. But only if Luke's 100% cool with it.

Claire : Yeah, of course. I'm on it.

Phil : You know, if we're not going, we could stay in bed a little longer.

Claire : No, thank you.

Phil : Okay.

Claire : Don't want to have this conversation again in 15 years.

[OPENING CREDITS]

Cameron : What are you doing with those swatches? She's gonna be here any

minute. I told you to put all this wedding stuff away.

Mitchell : Are these really our top-two choices for color palette? Why are they both white?

Lily : That's what my friend Keisha asks about you and daddy.

Mitchell : Instead of hiding all this stuff, why don't you just tell Pam we're getting

married?

Cameron : I will, when she's ready. Carefully and preferably in a large, open field.

Mitchell : She's your sister, not the Hulk.

Cameron : My big sister, Pam, is emotionally fragile and she's still single, so when

she finds out I'm getting married before she is... look out. She can be meaner than a barn owl at sunset.

Mitchell : Because that's when they wake up?

Cameron : Yep. That's morning time for a barn owl.

Cameron : It's her!

Lily : Quick! Hide!

Mitchell : It's okay, Lily. Come on.

Cameron : Oh, take that bow out of her hair. I don't want to rub our daughter's

adorableness in my barren sister's face. There she is!

Mitchell : Hey, Pam!

Cameron : Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Karry's English



Pam : Well, the damn airline lost my trunk. Now I'm gonna have to make new

clothes.

Cameron : Oh, no.

Pam : Yep. I need to squeeze something. Get over here, Lily.

Lily : I'm good.

Mitchell : Yeah, well, she's shy. So, Pam, we've got some big news.

Pam : Speaking of big news... you remember that little ugly girl I used to babysit, Britney Horner?

Cameron : Yeah.

Pam : Well, she got married last summer, and now she's pregnant with twins. So,

if you're keeping track, that's ugly... 2, me... nothing. What's your news?

Cameron : Um...

Mitchell : well...

Cameron : We're getting a new dryer.

Pam : Well, I'm very happy for y'all.

Mitchell : Thank you.

Pam : How come I never get a new dryer?

Alex : Mom, in all the time you've known grandpa, has he ever used the word

"fluxions"?

Claire : That is not an f-word I have heard him use.

Alex : He's beating me in "Words with friends." How is that even possible?

Haley : Shouldn't you be playing "Words with friends" with friends?

Alex : Grandpa is my friend.

Haley : Of course he is. That's not sad. What?

Phil : Morning, buddy. What's with the pillow?

Luke : It's for soccer. My neck gets pretty tired watching all those games.

Claire : Right. Yeah, I'll bet. Say, listen, your dad and I were just talking about you maybe wanting to go to the game without us today.

Phil : But it's totally up to you. Whatever you want because we love you very

much.

Claire : Right. You can either ride with some of your teammates, like the L.A. Kings, or you can ride with us, like how Gloria and grandpa take Joe to playdates. Professional athlete, little poopy baby... your call.

Luke : I'll get a ride with Max.

Claire : Great!

Phil : Are you sure it's okay?

Luke : Yeah, it's fine. Hey, can I borrow your sleep mask?

Phil : You bet.

Luke : Awesome.

Claire : Yes! I love that kid.

Phil : Can you imagine how easy it would be if it was just him?

Claire : Mm.

Phil : I mean...

Alex : I know what you mean.

Manny : You call that folded? Where's that military precision?

Jay : We didn't fold many onesies in the Navy.

Gloria : I'm back!

Jay : What did the doctor say?

Gloria : He said my eyes are perfect.

Jay : Where was he looking when he said it?

Jay : Pretty sure Gloria needs glasses. The last couple of months, she's been struggling.

Gloria : I'll take this one. It looks very good.

Jay : That's their address, Magoo.

Jay : Did he even give you an eye test?

Gloria : He put the spoon in one eye, the spoon in the other eye, the puff puff,

Karry's English



the eye drops. 20/20. Now who's the Magoo?

Jay : What the hell language was that? Did you see that fresh coat of nail polish?

She never went to the doctor.

Manny : Why would she lie?

Jay : She's vain, Manny. She doesn't want to wear glasses.

Manny : Well, she's only hurting herself.

Cameron : Okay, I hope you're hungry.

Pam : Starving. That damn airline ran out of roast beef. Tried to fast talk me into

eating something called "hoo-mus."

Mitchell : Oh, hummus ... it's actually really delicious. You would like tha... uh. Oh.

Pam : What's this?

Cameron : Oh, uh, that's an action figure.

Pam : It's two grooms.

Mitchell : They melted together in the car on a very, very hot day.

Cameron : It was 103.

Lily : My daddies are getting married.

Pam : Your dads are getting married? That can't be right.

Lily : That's what my friend Keisha says.

Pam : Is this true?

Cameron : Pam, honest to goodness, we were gonna tell you.

Pam : Get over here, you!

Cameron ; Hey, hey!

Mitchell : She's got me.

Pam : Well, damn! This is the greatest news I've ever heard!

Cameron : Oh, I am so happy to hear you say that, Pam.

Pam : Of course. Oh! I want my baby brother to be happy. And as long as we're

sharing, I have some news. You remember Bo Johnson?

Cameron : Oh, my gosh, how could I forget? Oh! He was my first crush. Please tell

me nothing happened to his face. What did he fall into?

Pam : He fell into me. We're engaged!

Cameron : Say what?

Pam : Bo and I are getting married!

Mitchell : That is fantastic! Cam, isn't this great news? Come here, you. Oh!

Cameron : Yeah. So great.

Mitchell : Oh! Get in on this! Come on! Thank you for jumping.

Claire : I didn't feel guilty for missing Luke's soccer tournament because I had a ton of errands I figured would take me all day to finish. But for some weird reason, I was flying through my list. I ended up in every short line. I made every

green light. It was the ultimate karmic bitch-slap. Because suddenly I had no more errands, which meant no more excuses, which meant me at that boring soccer

tournament.

Woman : Hi. There you are. Your son is playing so great.

Claire : No, I'm Luke's mom.

Woman : No, I know. He's been amazing all day.

Claire : Luke? Oh! Luke?

Woman : Here, you want one?

Claire : Uh, no, thanks. I'm coffeed out.

Woman : Oh, honey, it's sangria.

Claire : Well, all right.

Alex : Okay, that's it. Grandpa's cheating.

Haley : On Gloria? How could he possibly do better?

Alex : No, not on Gloria... on this game. I've never lost it to anyone.

Haley : Keep playing word games with grandpa, and you never will.

Phil : Hey, girls!

Haley : Hey. What is that thing?

Phil : What do they call it, or what should they have called it?

Karry's English



Haley : Never mind.

Phil : Uh, wait, wait, wait! It's a gutter cleaner. Ladies, I give you the future. How

many times have you girls seen me fall off this ladder? Now that's gonna happen less.

Haley : Looks like your, uh, gutter cleaner is stuck on something.

Phil : Not a problem. This baby detects blockage and then ramps up the power.

That's why I've nicknamed it "The gutter done."

Haley : Stop!

Alex : Dad!

Phil : Sorry, it's such a missed opportunity.

Alex : Aah!

Haley : Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Phil : What? What happened?

Alex : It's a bird's nest!

Phil : No!

Haley : And they're all dead!

Phil : Oh, my God!

Alex : You killed them!

Phil : Honey, it wasn't me! It was the robot! It doesn't know! I'm sorry!

Manny : Mom! Mom! Help!

Gloria : What?! What happened?!

Jay : I just ate a handful of this rat poison.

Gloria : Why?!

Jay : I thought it was trail mix. Why do I keep it so close together?

Manny : I'll call 911!

Jay : Here, read the box! Tell me what it says to do! Hurry!

Gloria : It says...

Jay : I don't have much time!

Gloria : In the...

Jay : And I'm dead.

Gloria : What?

Jay : You'd rather kill your husband than admit you need glasses.

Manny : Wow, mom.

Gloria : It's not poison?

Jay : Oh, there's rat poison, and I do keep it dangerously close to the trail mix, but this was to point out that your vanity could be fatal.

Gloria : I knew this was all a trick. That's why I acted like I couldn't read that box!

Jay : How many people have to pretend to die, Gloria?

Cameron : It just doesn't make any sense. Pam and bo Johnson? My bo Johnson?

Mitchell : "My"? Should it bother me that you're this jealous of an old crush?

Cameron : Oh, don't be ridiculous. Bo is straight. He'd probably never go for me. Oh, my gosh, it is Bo! Look, he's hotter than ever. I'm gonna answer it.

Mitchell : No, you can't.

Cameron : Yes, I can. We're practically family. Hey, dude. It's Cam.

Mitchell : Where?

Cameron : Been good... been real, real good. So, you and Pam, huh? Hey, better

be good to my old sis, or I'll have to wrestle you down. Hey, question... do you still have that friendship bracelet that I made for you? Oh, okay. Yeah, okay, if

you're busy, I'll have Pam call you back. Hey, and, Bo, congratulations. You too. Can you believe it?

Mitchell : Oh, and we're gay again.

Cameron : It just doesn't make sense. I mean, he's got to be after our drilling rights.

Pam : I knew it. This is why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you couldn't stand the thought of me landing the man of your dreams!

Mitchell : "Dreams" is strong.

Pam : Believe it or not, Bo and I are in love. He thinks I'm beautiful and he's right.

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And for the record, Bo has twice the land we do. He has absolutely no interest in

my drilling rights! Not that kind, at least.

Mitchell : Okay, let's just relax. Hey, hey, come on, Pam, do you want to pick me up again?

Pam : They warned me, you know.

Cameron : Who warned you?

Pam : The whole family said you wouldn't take it well. Ever since you moved to

the city 'cause you couldn't hack it on the farm.

Cameron : "Couldn't hack it"?

Pam : Yeah, that's right. Everyone knows, Cam, you're not farm strong.

Cameron : You take that back, Pameron Jessica Tucker!

Pam : I will not! You are weak and weepy. That's why we can't ever say anything to you 'cause we know you'll crumble into a big heaping mess!

Cameron : Oh, are you saying I'm the one people have to step around... that I'm the Pam of the family?

Pam : You mean the Cam of the family?! 'Cause that's what we all call it!

Mitchell : Okay, that's enough! That's enough! That's enough!

Cameron : You know what? Well, I was Gammy's favorite!

Mitchell : That's enough!

Pam : Really?

Cameron : Yeah!

Mitchell : Come on! Enough! No! Seriously... Pameron?

Claire : Oh! Way to go, Luke! The kid's amazing.

Woman : Amazing.

Claire : So great. Right? Hello?

Phil : Claire?

Claire : Phil? Oh, hi, honey, I was... I was just about to call you.

Phil : I killed a bunch of baby birds.

Claire : What?

Phil : My robot wiped out the nest. And now the mom's just staring at me. They

recognize faces, you know. I saw it in a documentary.

Claire : Sweetie, I'm sure it was just an accident.

Phil : None of this would have happened if we'd just gone to Luke's game. We're terrible parents for not going.

Claire : No. No.

Phil : Was that a whistle? Where are you?

Claire : Um, I-I'm just walking by a construction site. Pervs! Sorry. Sorry. Not you.

Phil : I hope Luke's not mad at us.

Claire : No, he's fine, honey. Or he's not. He... he could be mad. We don't know.

We won't... we won't know. I'll... I'll be home soon, though. I love you. Okay, bye-bye. Thank you. It was great. Hey, Luke, Luke, Luke, don't tell your dad I was here, all right? Great game.

Phil : Claire? Claire?

Gloria : Say good night to daddy.

Jay : Mwah! Good night, my boy.

Alex : Hey, grandpa, great word you played earlier today. What does "syzygy"

even mean?

Jay : It means 45 points. Ha!

Cameron : Hey, everybody, you remember my sister, Pam.

Claire : Oh, hi, Pam.

Cameron : She's here to pay a visit and cast aspersions.

Pam : Oh, grow up.

Cameron : You grow up.

Pam : Real good one. Hi, y'all. I brought boar.

Claire : Oh. Well, let me give you a hand with that.

Mitchell : Cam, look, I know you're upset, but please just try and let it go tonight.

Cameron : Well, can you believe she said I'm the emotionally fragile one? I mean,

Karry's English



how crazy is that?

Mitchell : Boy.

Cameron : "Boy"? Is that your thinly veiled way of saying you agree with her?

Mitchell : Pfft.

Cameron : Okay, you know what? If I was fragile, I would care, but I'm not, so I

don't.

Mitchell : Good.

Cameron : Good. And you know what? That shirt washes you out, so don't be

shocked when someone mistakes you for a beige candle.

Luke : Hey, everyone.

Claire : Hi, Luke.

Phil : Hey, buddy. I'm so sorry I missed your game.

Claire : We are both so sorry we missed your game.

Phil : The universe punished me. I did something awful to a bunch of baby crows.

Manny : Actually, it's not a bunch of crows. It's called a murder.

Phil : I know what I did!

Claire : How was your game?

Luke : Fine. Nothing special.

Claire : What do you mean, "fine, nothing special"?

Luke : Well, there was this girl on the 16-year-old team who wasn't wearing a bra. So that was cool.

Phil : Huh.

Claire : But Josh's mom texted me. She said you were having a great game.

Luke : She drinks.

Claire : I-I'll be right back.

Pam : Hey, Phil.

Phil : Hey, Pam.

Pam : Oh. Sorry. It's my parents again. I'm getting married soon, and they're

already acting like they have empty nest syndrome.

Claire : I appreciate you not saying anything to your dad about me being there,

but why aren't you telling him what a great game you played?

Luke : I can tell he feels bad enough for missing it. I don't want to make him feel

worse.

Claire : I screwed up.

Cameron : Why? What's wrong?

Claire : I talked Phil into skipping Luke's game, and then I went, and, of course, he played the game of his life. But Luke doesn't want to tell Phil about the game now

because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

Cameron : Oh, well, I think it's sweet that Luke's protecting Phil. You know, we all have to protect my sister in my family because she's a disaster.

Claire : Mm.

Cameron : I mean, you can see it, right?

Claire : I think it was a little weird she brought pig to a party.

Cameron : Hey! I can say it.

Jay : Hey, hon. I'm sorry about what I did before. I saw this, and I thought it would look beautiful on you.

Gloria : You know I can't stay mad at you when you buy me... Glasses, you son of a bitch!

Jay : Just try 'em on. You'll still look gorgeous.

Gloria : I will try them on when you buy hearing aids!

Jay : There's nothing wrong with my hearing.

Haley : Um, I have a, uh, hearing-test app on my phone.

Gloria : Let's do it! You do it!

Haley : Okay. Everybody under the age of 60 should be able to hear this.

Mitchell : Yes. Heard that.

Claire : Yeah, definitely.

Jay : What? You're lying. You didn't hear anything.

Karry's English



Gloria : We did! You see, you're deaf!

Haley : Okay, 70.

Mitchell : Yes.

Jay : Oh, what is th... did she put you up to this?

Haley : Here, grandpa, I'll play you something even louder.

Jay : Okay, I heard that one.

Haley : I didn't press anything.

Alex : Oh, look who's a cheater.

Phil : Don't worry about it, big guy. I have trouble smelling lemons.

Jay : You know, I don't need any of this. But I'll tell you what I can hear loud and

clear. The sound of you all munching free food.

Claire : Oh, come on, dad, aren't you being a little oversensitive?

Cameron : Oh, well, we can consult my sister, Pam. She's the self-appointed sensitivity expert.

Claire : Uh-oh.

Pam : Oh, let it go.

Cameron : I will not let it go. In fact, I would like everyone to be honest with me, please, right now. No sugar-coating. My sister here seems to think you all have to

walk on eggshells around me.

Phil : Eggshells.

Cameron : Do you all think I'm so fragile you can't tell me things for fear of how I will react?

Claire : Well...

Mitchell : Claire, don't. Zip. Bup-bup-bup.

Cameron : No, let her talk, please. Claire, you have the floor.

Claire : W-well, you're not not fragile.

Cameron : Okay, well, why don't you give me an example of something you

haven't told me because you were worried I couldn't handle it? Go on.

Claire : All right. Last week when we were supposed to have lunch and you

canceled...

Cameron : Okay. The singer or Pepper's dog?

Claire : The singer. And when I was leaving, I-I-I stopped and I said hello to her and we chatted for like 10 minutes.

Cameron : Okay, that's great. I'm glad you had that experience? I mean, I don't know what you talked to her about, seeing that you don't know any of her songs

other than "Single ladies," which everyone knows.

Jay : I love that song.

Gloria : I'm surprised you can hear it.

Mitchell : Well, this was fun. Who's hungry? Hey, where's that boar?

Cameron : Okay, anyone else?

Manny : Well, since we're coming clean, you overuse the word "divine." It's just an ice-cream sandwich. You're the boy who cried "divine."

Cameron : Okay. Was not aware of that. Duly noted.

Jay : Hey, I got one. Remember that blue rotary phone you gave me for Christmas?

Cameron : Yes.

Jay : I tossed it.

Cameron : Okay. May I ask the reason?

Jay : It made me feel like Ann-Margret in "Bye bye birdie."

Phil : Why?!

Cameron : Okay, anyone else?

Haley : I don't really like the shirts with the crazy cuffs.

Cameron : Oh, I'm sorry. Can you push your boobs down? Because I couldn't hear you.

Mitchell & Pam : Here we go.

Cameron : No, no, here we don't go. This is fine. I'm fine, okay?

Lily : Sometimes when you read to me, I pretend to fall asleep so you'll go.

Jay : I heard that one.

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Cameron : Well, I heard you all loud and clear. I have to use the restroom.

Phil : So, Cam, you're sensitive. Big deal. It's one of your best qualities.

Cameron : Thank you Phil. And I'm sorry your Beyonce loving wife went to Luke's game without you. See? Farm strong!

Phil : You went to Luke's game?

Claire : I did, Phil, and I am so sorry. I did not mean to. But then he started playing the most amazing game, and I got so wrapped up in it. I know I should

have called.

Phil : Yeah, you should've called. You were amazing?

Claire : Oh, he was incredible. I wish you'd been there.

Phil : Then why'd you make me skip it?! I knew you had it in you!

Claire : Oh, coach said he's gonna start next week.

Phil : You're starting? I'm so mad at you! I'm so proud of you!

Mitchell : Hey, how are you doing in here?

Cameron : Fine. I'm a little embarrassed about my outburst, but otherwise...

Mitchell : You had a lot to take in. As a lawyer, I should've told you, never ask questions you don't want the answer to.

Cameron : Am I really that much of a mess?

Mitchell : Are you not listening to me?

Pam : Hey. Room in here for me?

Mitchell : Not really.

Pam : Look, I'm real sorry I said what I said.

Cameron : No, no, you're right. I am the Cam of the family. Apparently, I'm the Cam of two families, so...

Pam : So what if you go a little cuckoo when you get bad news? You also go all cuckoo when you hear good news. It's one of the things I love most about you.

Mitchell : No, that's... that's true. You're the... you're the first person I call when I have good news. I mean, remember when I got my adult braces removed?

Cameron : Your teeth look divi... divine. See? I can't help it. I'm a celebrator.

Pam : Of course you are.

Cameron : And I should have celebrated how lucky Bo is to land a great gal like

you.

Pam : Look at me. I'm crying like a Cam. Sorry, old habits.

Gloria : Are you mad because I embarrassed you?

Jay : Forget about it. And I'm gonna ease up on the glasses, too. It's just that I worry, you know, you're not seeing everything.

Gloria : I'm getting old, Jay. When Manny was little, I used to run around with him all day without getting tired. Today at Joe's baby class, a 6-year-old had to pull

me out of the ball pit.

Jay : Hold on. Manny used to run around?

Gloria : All the mothers are so young and perky. I hate being the oldest one there.

Jay : Well, I for one love that you're getting older. It makes me feel closer to you.

Gloria : So you'll like it if I get all wrinkly and saggy?

Jay : Well, I wouldn't make it a goal.

Gloria : Okay, I'll wear them.

Jay : What?

Gloria : Nothing. You have lines there. I can see them very clearly now with these...

Jay : Okay, okay, these are just for reading.

Jay : I won't be able to hear her. She won't be able to see me.

Gloria : We'll be together forever.

Alex : Congratulations. You officially beat me in "Words with friends."

Jay : Better luck next time, kid.

Alex : Okay, I have to ask... did you cheat? Is that how you won?

Jay : I never took you for a sore loser.

Alex : That's not an answer.

Jay : Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day. So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my

Karry's English



etymological prowess. Jay Pritchett out.

Alex : You broke your phone, smarty-pants.

Jay : Damn it!

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x05 The Late Show

Jay : Gloria, honey! I'm ready whenever you are!

Mitchell : We should hurry. The reservation's at 7:00.

Phil : Claire, where are you? Okay, see you in two.

Haley : What are you doing?

Phil : I'm striking a seductive pose for your mother.

Haley : Gross. But I like the suit. Is that new?

Phil : Oh, yeah. Now that his honey gots her own money, daddy went and snagged hisself some new threads, girl.

Luke : Hands down, your funniest voice. Bordering on the offensive.

Phil : Listen, I'm a realtor, and I work a lot with families, so normally, I dial the

sexy back to five, but Claire's been working very hard lately. So tonight... Byoooooop!

Phil : Stick around if you want to see your mom's tongue fall out of her mouth.

Haley : Not unless you want to see my lunch fall out of mine.

Claire : Oh, I'm sorry I am late. Traffic was horrible.

Phil : Sounds like someone could use a tall drink of water.

Claire : Yeah, right. Water. Luke, what did I tell you about leaning back on that thing?

Luke : I don't know. "Don't"?

Claire : Honey, what are you still doing here? You're supposed to be babysitting Joe.

Haley : Yeah, but I have to drop off Alex to watch Lily first, and she's still not

ready. She can't be concerned about her looks, right?

Alex : I can hear you!

Haley : I'm kidding. I'm just saying, it'd be sad to think she actually tries.

Alex : Heard that, too!

Haley : It was a joke! Man, do big ears actually hear better?

Alex : Oh, my God, just stop talking.

Phil : Okay, girls. It's time for you guys to hit the road.

Haley : Okay, bye.

Alex : Oh, yeah, bye.

Claire : Bye. Why aren't you going with them?

Phil : He wanted to stay home. I said it was okay.

Claire : By himself?

Phil : It's fine. If he's old enough to watch "The Walking Dead" with me...

Claire : He's not.

Phil : ...then he's old enough to stay home alone.

Claire : He's not.

Phil : Claire, he's not a little boy anymore.

Luke : I'm fine.

Phil : See how deep his voice is? Are you okay?!

[OPENING CREDITS]

Mitchell : Oh, this is Haley. "Be there in 5. Alex took ducking forever."

Cameron : Oh, it's fine. You know what? We have to pick the "Save the Date"

card. I'm at a loss.

Mitchell : Can we just do it tomorrow? I hate the way my dad looks at us when we're late, like we're two silly queens blasting disco music, primping, losing track of time.

Cameron : Wow, it gets really busy in that head, huh? Okay, quick. Which one do

you like?

Mitchell : Uh, that one.

Cameron : Really? I think you picked too quick.

Mitchell : No, I didn't. I really like that one.

Cameron : I really like this one.

Mitchell : Well, then, why did you ducking ask me? Fine, goes with yours.

Karry's English



Cameron : Well, if that's the one you really like.

Mitchell : Can you just get ready?

Cameron : Yeah. Lily, hit it.

Lily : On it!

Jay : Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Manny : I've never seen you so excited about a restaurant.

Jay : I've waited six weeks for this reservation. They have an Australian wagyu beef that's supposed to change your life.

Manny : In the way heart disease changes your life?

Jay : Because you're a pillar of health. They only feed this cow alfalfa, barley, and red wine, and some chef hand-picks each cut, dry ages it 35 day, before cooking it

to a perfect medium-rare, all for me.

Manny : Doesn't the wine make the cow drunk?

Jay : It's not "The Far Side." The cow doesn't drive anywhere. Gloria! Let's go!

Manny : You know she's not here, right?

Jay : What?

Manny : She's having her hair blown out.

Jay : That's a thing? That I pay for?

Jay : Gloria's always late. Then I get mad and tell her to hurry. We yell, and it just takes longer. So I promised myself, no matter how late she is, just to take some

deep breaths and stay calm. That's the only thing I learned in Lamaze class because we were always late.

Gloria : Hi! Everybody's running like crazy tonight. I took San Vicente thinking that I was gonna save some time, but then they're working on the sewer. So I went

around Montana, down Moreno. But then there's that dip in the road. I always forget about that dip in the road. I hit it so hard that I spilled the coffee all over

the car. Did I tell you who I had coffee with?

Claire : I think Luke is scared to be left in the house alone, and he's just

pretending to be brave for you.

Phil : Honey, he's 14. We left Alex alone when she was 10.

Claire : We didn't leave her. We forgot her.

Phil : And when we got home, she was fine. Physically.

Claire : Mm.

Phil : Plus, she's still friends with that sweet 911 operator.

Claire : Yeah.

Phil : What are you doing?

Claire : Making sure Luke knows what to do in case of emergency.

Phil : Of course he does.

Luke : Someone's at the door!

Phil : Luke, it's just your mom testing you.

Luke : Don't worry, mom. If I hear that while you're gone, I won't answer. I'll just hide where no one can find me.

Mitchell : Cam, come on, let's go.

Cameron : Two seconds.

Mitchell : I thought that being with a man meant that I wouldn't have to wait around like this. I feel cheated. I do.

Lily : Let's play dolls.

Alex : Actually, I want to read you one of my favorite books. It's called "Little

Women," and it's about four sisters who overcome poverty and the patriarchy...

Lily : Nope! Dolls. This is Ashley. She's a wife.

Alex : Well, I hope that's not the only thing that defines her. Does she have a

career?

Lily : Nope, she shops. Where's Haley?

Mitchell : How come it takes me five minutes to get ready, and you take forever?

Cameron : Oh, please. I could get ready in five minutes, too, if I dressed like...

Lily : You did it again.

Mitchell & Cameron : Not changing.

Lily : Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a crazy night.

Karry's English



Cameron : No, honey, it's gonna be a bumpy night. Remember, you can't have

two dads and make that mistake. Bumpy night.

Alex : Okay, so how often does this happen?

Mitchell : Too often.

Cameron : Men just don't have that many options. I can't tell you the number of times I've walked by a women's boutique and just thought, "What I would do to

have that many choices."

Mitchell : Don't ever say that again. I don't like any part of it. All right, one of us has to change. We look like twin toddlers at church.

Cameron : Yeah, tell me about it. And this place we're going is supposed to be super hip. We're probably gonna run into someone. And come on. I don't have

that many outfits.

Mitchell : My clothes take up exactly one-quarter of the closet.

Cameron : That's not fair. My clothes are bigger than yours.

Mitchell : All right, I hate to play this card, but I was dressed first. So...

Cameron : Oh, that is silly. Lily, it's time to play "Who Wore It Best?"

Lily : No, I'm not doing this again. I can't.

Mitchell : Fine. Alex.

Alex : Uh, I don't know. Boys' clothes aren't really my thing.

Lily : Really?

Haley : I don't get it. Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk?

Manny : Thank you.

Jay : Honest to God. Have neither of you seen a cow? They're huge.

Haley : I bet Tequila would do it quicker.

Jay : It's not the goal to get the cow drunk. You got to be kidding me. Manny, see

why your mother's taking so long. And don't tell her I sent you.

Manny : Mom! Hurry!

Jay : Don't yell. I could have yelled.

Manny : Then why didn't you?

Jay : Because I didn't want to yell. I want you to go.

Manny : Why can't you go?

Jay : Why can't you do what I ask ? I'm trying to do something new here!

Gloria : Stop yelling, Jay! I'm ready!

Jay : Oh, geez. Haley, Manny knows where all the baby stuff is, and if Joe won't

go to bed, just put on Gladys Knight and bounce him around a little bit.

Haley : Oh, you still do that? I loved when you did that with us.

Jay : How about that? Somebody in this family remembers a nice thing I did.

Gloria : I remember something nice you did. You bought me this dress yesterday when you were working. How do I look?

Jay : Gorgeous. Let's go!

Gloria : You didn't even look at me. Haley.

Haley : Well, "A," your hair looks amazing, like you just got off a horse.

Gloria : That's exactly what I was going for.

Haley : But if I had one thought...

Jay : No! No thoughts.

Haley : ...Are those for sure the best earrings? They seem to be kind of getting lost.

Gloria : I have the same color in a bigger size.

Haley : How much bigger?

Gloria : Like a meter.

Haley : A meter? That's like a foot.

Manny : Actually, it's like a yard.

Gloria : Oh, sorry... It's like a millimeter.

Manny : You mean a centimeter.

Haley : All this math. Just show me.

Jay : Gloria!

Gloria : What?

Karry's English



Jay : I think the new earrings are really gonna tie your whole outfit together.

Gloria : You're so sweet!

Manny : Wow. That was very mature of you.

Jay : Yeah, well, I'm a lot older now than when she started getting dressed.

Claire : So this sound... that's the doorbell. That other sound was the smoke alarm.

Luke : Got it.

Claire : Okay, and if you're hungry, don't order a pizza. They don't screen those delivery guys. Half of them are ex-cons.

Phil : Stop it. You're gonna scare him.

Claire : It's gonna be fine. But if you do choke, you've gotta throw yourself against the back of a chair to get the food out.

Phil : He'll just drink stuff.

Claire : Nothing from under the sink.

Luke : Even if it's lemony? I'm just messing with you.

Claire : In case of fire, go low and get out. In case of earthquake...

Luke : Wait. You think there could be an earthquake? The last time we had one, that big cabinet fell on me.

Phil : No, it didn't.

Claire : It did?!

Phil : Let's go.

Claire : Bye, honey, we love you. Do you have the keys? We're gonna check in. I

promise! Uhh, what's going on? New suit?

Phil : This old thing? Yes, it is. I got it at this hipster place downtown. You like it?

Claire : It's tight.

Phil : Well, the salesman said it was the style, and he looked like a Mumford and Son, so I think he'd know.

Claire : Mm, let's go.

Phil : Slow down, Flo Jo.

Mitchell : You know what? We don't have time for this. I'll just change.

Cameron : Well, now I feel bad. Let's both just change. That's the fair thing to do.

Mitchell : Okay, fine. But quickly, please.

Cameron : Okay. I don't know. It's blue. Yeah, this one's so yellow. Oh, you know what? I have a stain on this one. I can't wear it. Oh, paisley, yeah. I don't know.

Mitchell : Are you kidding me right now?!

Cameron : What?

Mitchell : I know this trick, Cam. You take forever to pick out an outfit, knowing

very well that I'll say, "Let's just go," because we're late. Meantime, you get credit for offering to change while I'm the one who actually does. As usual.

Cameron : Excuse me. Are you accusing me of manipulating you to get my way?

Mitchell : Actually...

Cameron : Because that's what my mother used to accuse me of, and I got to say

that that brings up a lot of stuff with me.

Mitchell : You're crying without tears.

Cameron : Give me a minute.

Alex : "'Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents, ' grumbled Jo. 'It's so dreadful to be poor,' sighed..."

Lily : Stop! I hate this. Can I put makeup on you?

Alex : Why does everyone ask me that?

Mitchell : Let's just have a good time tonight, all right? I'm not mad.

Cameron : Okay, good. And you do look super-duper handsome in that.

Mitchell : Don't even. I'm gonna grab a water for the road.

Cameron : Yeah, get me a soda. Okay, Alex. Thank you so much. Have a fun night. Honey, we love you.

Mitchell : Here you go. All right.

Cameron : Thank you. Okay, and remember, no eating in the living room. Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What did you do? What did you do?!

Mitchell : Come on! You can't possibly think...

Karry's English



Cameron : You shook this can so you could wear the outfit that I wanted to wear?

That is exactly what I think!

Mitchell : That is insane. You saw me take it from the refrigerator and bring it to you.

Cameron : Did I? Or were you out of my sight for the two seconds that it took you to get from the refrigerator to here, which would have given you exactly the

right amount of time to shake the can?

Mitchell : Nice theory, Nancy Grace, but I'm not that petty.

Cameron : Okay, you two. Did you see anything?

Lily : Just pretend you're coloring.

Claire : Okay, what are you doing?

Phil : I'm trying to reach the mirror. I got something in my eye.

Claire's voice : Hi, you've reached the Dunphys. Please leave a message after the beep.

Claire : Why isn't Luke picking up?

Phil : It's hard to reach the phone when you're tied up by a recently paroled pizza guy.

Claire : Ha ha. You're very funny.

Phil : What are you doing?

Claire : I know it sounds weird. Call it mother's intuition, but I just have this feeling that something is wrong.

Phil : Fine, do what you want, but I've just about had it up to... higher than here with this.

Luke : Die, pizza man!

Claire : Stop! Stop!

Luke : Oh. Sorry, mom.

Phil : Told you he could take care of himself.

Claire : Move.

Jay : Why does she do this? We're gonna lose our table. She knows how

important it is to me to be on time. This is torture.

Manny : I think you've lost perspective, Jay. You know what I would give to wait

around for a woman like that?

Jay : Reel it in, creepy. That's your mother up there.

Gloria : Sorry, sorry. Once I changed the earrings, I had to change the shoes.

Haley : And then I tried on one of Gloria's old dresses, which made me feel like a 10-year-old boy.

Gloria : Ay, your body's beautiful.

Manny : I agree.

Jay : Take it outside the family. Okay, we ready to go?

Gloria : Wait. I have the wrong lipstick.

Jay : Oh! That's it! I've had it!

Gloria : Just one minute!

Jay : Nothing takes a minute with you. We're leaving right now. I don't care what

you have to do. It's bad enough you're being rude to me, but you're being rude to the people sitting there waiting for us!

Fiona : Sorry, you're the first to arrive, and we can't seat you till everyone's here.

Gloria : I hope you're happy!

Jay : Where the hell is everybody?

Gloria : Yes, I hate waiting like this.

Jay : Do you? Just because everybody else is late doesn't make it okay for us to be late.

Gloria : I can't get ready fast with all the yelling!

Jay : I wasn't yelling.

Gloria : You see, you're doing it again!

Jay : Gloria, you do this every single time. If you know how long it takes you to

get ready, why don't you start earlier?

Gloria : I have my reasons.

Jay : I would love to know them.

Karry's English



Gloria : You're going to be mean.

Jay : I promise I won't be.

Gloria : I like to make an entrance.

Jay : What's that, now?

Gloria : I like the part where I go in, and everybody's waiting for me, and they say,

"Gloria, you look so pretty, and that dress is so beautiful." Is that so bad?

Jay : I don't love it.

Mitchell : Oh, this room is so nice.

Cameron : I know. It's almost as gorgeous as... you monster!

Mitchell : What? Oh, this? Well, you know, you couldn't wear it, so I figured, what's the harm?

Cameron : Okay, you know what? I will go over there, and I will be as socially magnetic as I always am. We will put this on the back burner, but underneath, I

want you to know, I am fuming. Hey, Jay, where's Gloria?

Jay : She's... she was there a second...

Gloria : There are my boys!

Mitchell : Gloria, you look so pretty.

Cameron : That dress is so beautiful.

Jay : You got to be kidding me.

Claire : You let him watch those scary shows with you, and then we leave him

home alone at night. Of course he's gonna arm himself.

Phil : He was fine until you gave him your "50 Ways to Die" speech. What was the

one about the welcome mat?

Claire : They are highly flammable. For seven to ten people a year, they may as well say, "Welcome to the Morgue."

Phil : You know what? Drop it. I don't want to fight in public. It's embarrassing.

Claire : Fine.

Phil : Hi, how are you?

Valet : Good evening. Hi.

Phil : Oh, my leg's asleep! My leg's asleep! Okay, thank you.

Fiona : Sir, if the rest of your party doesn't arrive soon, we have to give up your

table.

Jay : Any minute.

Mitchell : Again, dad, sorry we're late.

Cameron : Yeah, you know, Mitchell put on some music, and we were primping and dancing around, and I guess, well, we just lost track of time.

Mitchell : Actually, dad, what happened was Cam was practicing this trick where he pretends to be accommodating and then magically gets his way.

Jay : There they are.

Cameron : We need a second.

Jay : Oh, Cam, no.

Claire : Where are you guys going?

Cameron : Can't talk. Too mad.

Claire : Oh. Hi, dad. Where's Gloria?

Jay : She... for the love of...

Gloria : There you are!

Claire : Oh, my goodness! That dress!

Phil : Gloria, holy mackerel.

Claire : We're so sorry we're late. We had to drop Luke off at your place. Phil wanted him to stay home alone, but he got scared.

Phil : Man, I can't wait to get some food in my mouth and yours.

Gloria : Poor Haley. What is she going to do with all those boys?

Haley :♪ I'll be with him ♪

Luke & Manny : ♪ I know you will ♪

Haley :♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

Luke & Manny : ♪ Leaving on the midnight train to Georgia ♪

Haley :♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

Karry's English



Luke & Manny : ♪ Whoo, Whoo! ♪

Cameron : You know what? I resent the implication that I always get my way.

Mitchell : Really? The "Save the Date" cards.

Cameron : For our wedding?

Mitchell : Oh. So, it is still our wedding. I wasn't sure I was even invited because

you keep asking for my opinion and then doing the exact opposite.

Cameron : That's one thing.

Mitchell : What about the music?

Cameron : I think our love deserves a band, not a D.J.

Mitchell : The tablecloths.

Cameron : They make sneakers out of that fabric.

Mitchell : You won't let me pick one thing, and you want to know why?

Cameron : Because I have better taste than you.

Mitchell : I was gonna say because you're a control freak. And how can you think that I have bad taste? We chose the exact same outfit.

Cameron : Did we? I wore fun loafers. You wore sensible Oxfords. Your collar's buttoned down. Mine's a more current widespread. And I chose a bold pocket

square to bring out the stripe in the shirt, all of which you wouldn't have thought of because, well, I've already said.

Mitchell : You don't like my Oxfords?

Cameron : I'm sorry. I'm being harsh. They're fine.


Cameron : For a small-town Detective. Okay, look. I can't help myself. I did it

again. So, I-I don't love them. But I do love you. And I don't want you to feel left out.

Mitchell : Okay. Then let me have a say in planning our wedding. That's what we agreed to.

Cameron : You will, and you should, and I'm sorry.


Cameron : Can you just do one thing for me?

Mitchell : Sure.

Cameron : Just be honest, and I'll let this go forever. Did you shake that can?

Mitchell : No.

Cameron : I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Claire : See, Phil? They don't let Manny stay home alone. Why do you think

Haley's there?

Jay : Actually, we let Manny stay home all the time, and sometimes, he makes

cupcakes, which I could use one right about now... or a potato.

Gloria : Haley's there to take care of Joe.

Phil : Are you sure, guys? 'Cause Claire's always right about everything all the

time, forever and ever.

Jay : Thank God. Here they are. Fiona, we're all here.

Claire : Actually, dad, we could use a moment.

Jay : I'm going to eat my hand.

Alex : "Jo immediately sat up, put her hands in her pockets, and began to whistle. "'Don't, Jo. It's so boyish.' 'That's why I do it.' 'I detest rude, unladylike girls.' 'I hate affected, niminy-piminy chits.'" Okay, this stinks. I give up.

Lily : Thank God. Want to see your hair?

Alex : Lily, that's actually good. Can you really do makeup?

Lily : Stay there.

Claire : Is it really too much to ask that you consult me before you make such a

big decision?

Phil : Claire, when you went back to work, you asked me to take the reins. So I think you need to trust me now. Do you really think I'd put Luke in a dangerous situation? He's my favorite, which I did not just say.

Claire : If anything happens to him...

Phil : It won't. If you haven't noticed, I'm pretty good at this, as hard as it is for you to pay me a compliment.

Karry's English



Claire : Where is that coming from?

Phil : Well, do you like this suit? I wouldn't know because all you said was, "It's

tight," and not in a cool black way.

Claire : Wait, a-are you trying to say that you squeezed yourself in that for me?

Phil : Yes. You've been a little distracted at work, so I wanted to look nice for you.

Claire : Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You're right. Luke probably would have been fine, and I am having a hard time letting go. And if there's one person in the

world I trust, it is you.

Phil : And?

Claire : And... you look hot in that suit. When we get home later...

Phil : Okay, you're actually gonna need to stop. This suit can't get any tighter.

Phil : Hey, we're back.

Jay : Nobody goes anywhere. Everybody hold hands, and we go right to the table.

Fiona?

Fiona : Actually, we just gave away your table. I'm sorry, but I did warn you about this.

Gloria : Listen to me, Fiorina. This man has been waiting to eat in this restaurant for months! We were all selfish, and we made him late. And maybe I got a little

crazy, but I'm gonna think about that later. But he has done nothing wrong! So we're not gonna leave this place until he eats that drunk cow that he can't shut up his mouth about! Why you haven't moved?

Jay : Last night, I had the greatest meal I've ever had, and it never would have

happened if Gloria hadn't got us kicked out of that snooty restaurant.

Jay : Tacos.

Mitchell : Tacos.

Jay : I need a taco.

Phil : Yes.

Cameron : Taco truck!

Phil : That is delicious.

Mitchell : No, but seriously, who looks better?

Jay : I don't know if it was the six scotches I drank waiting for everybody, or the

fact that I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast... Or the moment Phil's suit finally gave up. They even played my favorite song.

Jay :♪ He's leaving

Claire : Dad !

Jay :♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

Claire :♪ Said he's going back to find ♪

Mitchell & Cameron : ♪ Going back to find ♪

Jay & Claire : ♪ To a simpler place in time ♪

Jay :♪ And I'll be with him / Yes, he will ♪

Claire & Jay : ♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪

Jay : A train I'd never make unless I told Gloria it left at 11:00.

Claire & Jay : ♪ I'd rather live in his world / Than be without him in mine ♪

Cameron : Here you go. I didn't know what you wanted to drink, so I just got you

this soda.

Mitchell : That's fine. Thank you. Cam, what did you do?

Cameron : I did exactly what you did because I know you so well.

Mitchell : I didn't shake the soda.

Cameron : Then you have nothing to worry about, so go ahead and open it.

Mitchell : I shook it, okay? I shook the soda. I shook it up! Are you happy? It was

petty and stupid and awful. I'm sorry. Damn it.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x06 Run For Your Wife

Jay : No begging. No begging. Stella, you're breaking my heart here.

Gloria : What's breaking your heart is that sausage and bacon. Can't you just pick one?

Jay : Don't worry. I'm gonna burn it off on the golf course.

Gloria : How, Jay? By riding the little cart or by kicking the ball back into play? Here. I'm gonna take Joe Fulgencio to the park. Can you please stop by the

grocery store?

Jay : Why doesn't the nanny do this? You got to be kidding me!

Jay : Gloria has fired five nannies.

Gloria : I don't like another woman in my house. I want to be the star.

Jay : Stars have nannies.

Gloria : You know that some of this is Manny's fault.

Gloria : Manny!

Manny : So, Marie, what do you feel like doing for dinner tonight?

Gloria : You're eating dino-bites because you are a little boy.

Manny : Mom!

Jay : I'm telling you, there's an embarrassing press conference in that kid's future.

Cameron : We're getting married in seven months.

Mitchell : Or eight months. I worry about it raining in April.

Cameron : Well, I worry about me sweating in May.

Mitchell : Oh, well, we can't decide on anything. There... there are too many choices.

Cameron : Fortunately, one of our best friends is an event planner.

Cameron : Pepper!

Mitchell : Pepper!

Pepper :♪ Here come the grooms / All dressed in fun tuxes from my Pepper

collection ♪

Mitchell : Ha, wow... Look at all your ideas.

Pepper : Honey, this is just the index. Reynaldo! I brought linens and place

settings and invitations and stemware.

Reynaldo : Hello. I'm Reynaldo.

Pepper : Oh, don't be such a chatterbox. And go and fetch the platter box. Now, let's lose this couch.

Mitchell : Wow, you need that much space, huh?

Pepper : No, it's hideous. This can't be news to you.

[OPENING CREDITS]

Alex : You're ruining my life!

Phil : These eggs are delicious.

Claire : Mm.

Haley : What life?! Get out of my room!

Claire : I put milk in them.

Phil : Oh.

Alex : It's not your room anymore!

Luke: Well, they sure are fluffy.

Haley : Mom!

Phil : Hey, dad.

Frank : Morning, troops. Claire, I owe you a pack of lady razors.

Claire : I'm just gonna go stand out in the yard.

Alex : Seriously, get out!

Haley : I told you it's not your room!

Claire : Tension between Haley and Alex has been getting pretty high, so our solution was to move Haley down to the basement, which we were just about to

do...

Phil : when my dad came out for a weekend visit.

Claire : Two weekends ago.

Karry's English



Phil : After my mom passed away, he dated this woman named Annie, and she

broke up with him, and then he seemed kind of down, so I invited him out.

Alex : Gross! Those are my socks!

Haley : They are not! Mom!

Claire : I'm just gonna pop outside.

Phil : I should get her a rake.

Andy : Welcome to King's Landing! I am the evil boy king, and I want your heads!

Gloria : Oh, look how much they all love you.

Andy : Ohh, thanks. I'm just trying to match the energy of their video games and whosits and whatnots.

Joan : So, I'm gonna play tennis. I can pick you up at noon.

Gloria : Oh, hi! Joan, right?

Joan : Yes.

Andy : Hi. I'm Andy. I'm her Manny... male nanny.

Gloria : Hi, I'm Gloria. This might just sound a little crazy, but I don't think Joan

likes me.

Andy : Oh, that's not crazy. She doesn't. Her husband's always staring at you, and

she's worried you're gonna steal him.

Gloria : What?!

Andy : Be happy, little guy. This world belongs to you.

Gloria : I would never steal anybody else's man, especially not her fat husband.

Andy : Hey, he's not fat anymore. I helped him lose 30 pounds.

Girl : Ah! Thank you, Andy.

Andy : Careful. If I bring you home scratched, I lose my deposit. I'm kind of a chef,

too. Here, try this. It's quinoa. You actually burn calories while eating I...

Gloria : So, Andy, tell me, are you really happy with that Joan?

Pepper : Every wedding is unique, like a snowflake. And my job is to give you the

snowflake that makes everyone die with jealousy.

Cameron : That's all we ever wanted.

Pepper : Aww. So, let's start with a color palette. I'm thinking... Purple.

Mitchell : Purple! That is a color! Wow!

Cameron : We don't love... Yeah, we don't love purple.

Mitchell : Not our favorite, but...

Pepper : Excuse me?

Mitchell : Well, it's just that purple might be a little bit bold for...

Pepper : No, I get it. You think I'm an idiot.

Mitchell : No. No!

Cameron : No, we don't, Pepper.

Pepper : Well, obviously, you know better than I. After all, I've only put on

hundreds of magnificent weddings. Come, Reynaldo. They're not interested in planning a wedding. They're interested in hurting people.

Mitchell : No, Pepper. Pepper, wait.

Cameron : No, Pepper, wait. Listen. No, no. We can consider purple. This is just a

lot for us to take in.

Pepper : Of course. I get it. I... Let the idea wash over you for a bit.

Reynaldo : We had also discussed a more neutral palette.

Pepper : Reynaldo! They're washing! I'm sorry. He means well. Now, let's talk

about your entrance.

Cameron : Yes. Entrance.

Pepper : The idea of two men being able to marry seemed like a fantasy, so I see you riding down the purple aisle on a...Unicorn.

Luke: Are you sure, grandpa? It might be fun.

Frank : Sorry, Luke. I just don't think I have it in me today.

Claire : Did you see that? When has your dad ever not wanted to pull Luke's finger? He's hurting, Phil. I think he needs to see a therapist.

Phil : Claire, he doesn't need a therapist.

Claire : Why? Honey, that's what they do. They help people cope with loss. They'll even come to the house if we need them to. I should talk to my dad. You know

Karry's English



what? He was pretty down after the divorce. I bet he has some insight.

Phil : Yeah, 'cause your dad's so in touch with people's feelings? When a man is

overcome with emotion at a Celine Dion concert, you do not tell him to grow a pair!

Claire : Phil!

Phil : The ship went down, but their love lasts forever!

Claire : Shh! Dad? Hi. Yeah, listen. Uh, Frank is really depressed. I think he should

see a therapist. What do you say?

Jay : He doesn't need any of that!

Claire : Yeah? Uh-huh. T-that's exactly what I said.

Phil : : Give me that.

Claire : I-I...

Phil : Jay, what did you just say?

Jay : Take him out and meet some women. A 1,000 therapists couldn't do what

Gloria did for me.

Phil : Oh, I agree. Claire was wrong.

Jay : I'll tell you what. I know a fun place. Tonight, you, me, and Frank out on the town.

Phil : Oh, fun! A three-way!

Jay : I already regret this.

Phil : Well, I'm excited, too. I got to get going, though. Mnh-mnh. All right. Bye.

Jay : Gloria, we're back!

Andy : Here! Let me lighten your load.

Jay : Who are you?

Andy : I'm the new Manny.

Manny : Am I being replaced?

Gloria : Jay, Manny, meet Joe's new Manny, Andy.

Jay : Can I talk to you a second?

Gloria : No, thank you.

Jay : We're gonna need to discuss this.

Andy : I get it. I understand it's a big decision. But if it eases your mind at all, know that I'm not just here for baby Joe. I'm here for you, too.

Jay : Doesn't ease my mind at all.

Andy : My mission is to make all of your lives happier and healthier.

Manny : Is this because I ate that party sub?

Andy : Ohh! Crackers! I left my phone upstairs in the nursery. Could you grab it

for me? I know people get all squirrelly when they hear the word "healthy." Actually, Manny? My phone is in my pocket. Sorry, bud. But my goal is to get you

healthy without... Nope! It is just a pack of gum. My phone is still upstairs. Without you even realizing what's happening. Wow. I'm such a dodo. I didn't even bring my phone today.

Manny : I know what you're doing.

Jay : We're gonna talk about it.

Andy : Okay, well, you have my number, so I can start tomorrow. Call me.

Gloria : I will!

Jay : Take care! That's a nonstarter. Keep looking.

Gloria : But he's perfect.

Jay : He's a man. It's weird. He's a weird man. He's like Phil, only I have to pay for him.

Gloria : This is not a dictatorship! It's a democracy! We vote!

Jay : No way. You always bully Manny, and he caves. He's weak. No offense.

Gloria : Whoever thinks that we should hire Andy, raise the hand!

Manny : No, sorry, mom. Not this time. I can't have that energy in my house.

Gloria : Fine. Cook your own dinner!

Jay : We will. We'll be fine.

Manny : So, what are we having?

Jay : You're on your own, kid. I'm going out tonight.

Karry's English



Pepper : So, what do you think?

Mitchell : I like it. Also, is it a little Willy Wonka?

Pepper : You're tired. I'll come back tomorrow when you're ready to be more constructive.

Mitchell : Pepper, no.

Cameron : Pepper.

Pepper : Reynaldo, strike this. Sorry. I thought I was wearing a cape today.

Cameron : Oh, my gosh.

Mitchell : Ohh.

Cameron : What are we gonna do?

Mitchell : I-I think we have to fire Pepper.

Reynaldo : That would kill him. He's on the brink as it is.

Mitchell : Why?

Reynaldo : Since the proposition ocho was overturned, he's done 50 gay weddings. The man is exhausted, searching for new ideas.

Mitchell : You said "ocho" and then you said "50."

Reynaldo : You see? Gays are so nit-picky. In a straight wedding, you just have to please the bride, but the gays have such strong opinions! It takes a toll on a great

artist like Pepper Saltzman.

Cameron : You know, I've never thought of it that way. I mean, look at us. We

can't agree on one thing.

Mitchell : No, you're right. I mean, Cam wants a rustic country theme, and I'm

looking for something a little more contemporary and sophisticated. And it's impossible.

Reynaldo : But you can have both. Casual elegance, classic with a twist.

Mitchell : Go on.

Cameron : Go on.

Reynaldo : I'd start with raw, natural-linen table runners to bring the two worlds

together. We eschew the classic round tables for rectangular farm tables, but keep

the setting clean and modern. And then...

Mitchell : Yes!

Cameron : Yes?

Reynaldo : No, I mustn't. This is wrong. Pepper is my boss and my mentor!

Cameron : Oh, and he's our friend. What are we doing?

Mitchell : We... we got caught up. We gave in to temptation.

Reynaldo : I-I should go.

Mitchell : Don't!

Reynaldo : I must. Vintage handkerchiefs for the guests to cry into.

Mitchell : Reynaldo, wait!

Reynaldo : French bistro stemless wine glasses. I've said too much.

Cameron : Reynaldo!

Mitchell : He's gone, Cam.

Jay : Guys, we can't stand around all night. At some point, we have to talk to

somebody. Now, come on. How about those two? Let's go over there.

Phil : Oh, my God. I don't know why I'm so nervous.

Jay : Hello, ladies.

Kathy : Not interested.

Jay : Wow. I-I just said hello.

Kathy : We're just kind of having a girls' night.

Marcy : Kathy, be nice. I'm Marcy.

Jay : I'm Jay. This is Frank and, uh, Phil.

Phil : Hey-lo. I mean hey. Or hello. I don't know.

Jay : And for the record, I just wanted to introduce my friend. I wasn't trying to

pick you up or anything.

Kathy : I'm heartbroken.

Frank : We don't mean to disturb you.

Marcy : Oh, you're not disturbing us. You have sweet eyes.

Karry's English



Frank : Thank you. I'm from Florida.

Marcy : I love Florida! Would you like to sit down, Frank?

Frank : Well, I, uh... yeah, sure.

Phil : Oh, my God. It's happening.

Jay : For your information, I'm married to a gorgeous woman.

Kathy : Uh-huh.

Phil : Dad, Jay and I are gonna grab a drink from the bar.

Jay : Sure. I think I have a picture of her here on this somewhere.

Phil : Let's go, Jay.

Jay : Yeah, she won beauty pageants.

Phil : Okay.

Jay : I'm a catch.

Phil : Let's get out of here.

Jay : This place is dead, anyway.

Phil : Hey, there's Casanova! I didn't hear you come in last night. So... so, uh, how did it go with Marcy?

Frank : Oh, it was okay. But I actually met someone else while I was waiting for a taxi.

Phil : Well, all right.

Frank : And she's downstairs right now.

Phil : Well, all right.

Frank : Truth is, I, um, have a bit of a situation. She says I owe her $500.

Phil : Please tell me you broke something of hers.

Frank : No, turns out she's a hooker.

Phil : You picked up a hooker?

Frank : Well, I didn't know she was a hooker.

Phil : We're in my kitchen. We have to stop saying "hooker"! You got to get her

out of here before Claire gets back from yoga.

Frank : She's not gonna leave until she gets the cash.

Phil : $500? I think you got ripped off.

Jeannie : Hey, can I have a hit of that coffee?

Phil : Oh, that's fine.

Jeannie : Trust me. He did not get ripped off.

Phil : No, that's good. It's yours.

Phil : $247. I'm gonna have to run to an ATM. How could you not know?!

Frank : Well, the drinks, the flirting. I couldn't think straight. Have you ever touched the smooth, taut skin of a 48-year-old woman?

Phil : I hope to one day, but that's not gonna happen if Claire gets home and...

Claire : Hi! I'm back!

Phil : Hey!

Claire : Frank, did you have fun last night?

Frank : No.

Phil : He did not.

Luke: Hey. Who's the woman in the kitchen?

Frank : Beats me. I think I'll go freshen up.

Claire : There's a woman in the kitchen?

Phil : There's a woman in the kitchen. Yeah, she's a therapist. The therapist that you recommended. So I decided it was a good idea.

Claire : Oh, that means the world that you listened to me. Thank you!

Phil : Ohh, you should get a shower upstairs.

Claire : Oh, no, I want to say hi.

Phil : No, not sweaty like that. You smell. No, uh...

Claire : Hi! Hi, I'm Claire. I'm Frank's daughter-in-law, and I just want to thank you so much for coming and helping him out this way. It was my idea.

Phil : No, it wasn't.

Jeannie : Okay.

Karry's English



Phil : All right.

Claire : No, hey. I've never told anyone this. But I have always wanted to do what

you do. I think I'd be really good at it.

Phil : No, she wouldn't.

Claire : What are you talking about? It's basically what I already do for the whole neighborhood. At least this way, I get paid for it.

Phil : Uh-huh.

Jeannie : You know, I got a standing 10:30 I got to get to.

Phil : Yes. Yes, you do!

Haley : Mom, I'm gonna throw up! Alex's hair smells like cheese!

Alex : It is not cheese! It is cruelty-free organic shampoo with traces of churned

goat's milk!

Haley : So cheese! Ew, I need a bucket!

Claire : Ladies, we have a guest. I am... I'm really sorry about this. I'm just at my

wit's end with these two. I don't suppose you have any experience with teenagers?

Phil : Oh, no.

Jeannie : You two remind me of me and my sister. We used to fight all the time. I used to accuse her of stealing my boyfriend. She would accuse me of trying to

stab her. You know, sister stuff.

Claire : Oh, my God.

Jeannie : Trust me, if I wanted to stab her, that skank be stabbed.

Claire : She's not a therapist, is she? Just...

Cameron : I didn't sleep a wink. I-I cannot stop thinking about Reynaldo.

Mitchell : I know. I dreamt our wedding made the cover of Modern Gay Grooms and that there was a magazine called Modern Gay Grooms.

Cameron : Okay, that's, that's Pepper. Let's just ask him to let Reynaldo take the lead.

Mitchell : And... and risk hurting Pepper? For all we know, Reynaldo hasn't even given us a second thought.

Reynaldo : I couldn't stop thinking about you. What happened here yesterday was

real.

Cameron : Oh, Reynaldo! We felt it, too.

Mitchell : But what about Pepper?

Reynaldo : I left him.

Mitchell : What?

Reynaldo : It's over. He doesn't look at me the way you do.

Mitchell : Ohh, this is all happening so fast.

Reynaldo : For me, too. But my heart was racing when I left here. You are my muses-es.

Cameron : Ohh. I feel so guilty.

Mitchell : One quick look. No one has to know.

Cameron : Oh, Reynaldo, what have you done?

Pepper : Mitchell! Cameron!

Mitchell : Oh, no! Uh, uh, quick! Hide!

Cameron : Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'll hide.

Mitchell : Cam, not you. Okay, yeah.

Cameron : Go, go, go, go, go.

Pepper : Reynaldo left me.

Cameron : What?!

Mitchell : No!

Pepper : The swine! Someone put it in his head that he could do this without me.

But mark my words, I will destroy him and whatever wedding he thinks he's planning.

Mitchell : Okay, well, that's one way to go.

Lily : Daddies, there's a man in the bathroom.

Pepper : What?

Mitchell : That... that's a wiggles song.

Karry's English



Cameron : That's a wiggles song.

Mitchell & Cameron : * Daddy, there's a man in the bathroom * / ♪ There's a

man in the bathroom ♪

Cameron : * He's in the shower *

Mitchell : It's okay, honey. It's okay.

Pepper : Reynaldo was nothing before I found him, living in squalor in a dump barely bigger than this. How could he do this to me?

Reynaldo : Because you never listen to anybody! I have good ideas, but you're too thick-headed to hear them!

Cameron : Reynaldo, how did you get here?

Pepper : It was you two. You plotted against me. I bet that's not even a wiggles song, is it? Is it?!

Cameron : No.

Mitchell : Pepper, we can explain.

Pepper : Do you have any idea how hard I work?

Cameron : Well, maybe that's part of the problem.

Mitchell : I mean, you've been through the mill, Pepper. Heard it.

Pepper : I've done 53 gay weddings. And... And... None of them are mine.

Cameron : Ohh.

Mitchell : Pepper.

Reynaldo : And whose fault is that?

Pepper : I feel like you're implying mine, but I really don't see it.

Reynaldo : How can a man with such flare for setting tables leave no seat for one who loves him?!

Mitchell : Oh, my God.

Cameron : Reynaldo's in love with Pepper.

Mitchell : I know. That's why I said, "oh, my God." Pepper, do you hear what

Reynaldo is saying?

Pepper : Of course I do. I'm not a fool. He thinks I can't set a table.

Cameron : No. No, no, no. Reynaldo is in love with you. Go to him.

Pepper : What? You're in love with me?

Reynaldo : Sí. It is true. Yes.

Mitchell : God, that would drive me crazy.

Pepper : Reynaldo, I-I don't know what to say. I mean, of course, when I hired

you, I found you very attractive. That's why I hire all my people. But I... I never thought you... would find me...

Reynaldo : Perfecto? Because that's what you are... perfect.

Mitchell : No. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I can't.

Jay : Gloria, I forgot my towel!

Andy : Here it is. Nice and toasty from the dryer.

Jay : Gloria!

Andy : She ran to the store. Breakfast in 5. Your underpants are pressed and on your bed.

Jay : Gloria!

Phil : So, if I'm hearing you right, you're not so much mad about the prostitute in the kitchen as you are about my lying to you.

Claire : No, I'm mad about the prostitute in the kitchen.

Frank : That's my bad.

Claire : Yes, it is. It's your bad, Frank. Very bad. Look, I'm a progressive woman. I-I

took a pole-dancing class. I sent my daughter to college with condoms.

Frank : Wait, now, I think that sends the wrong message.

Phil : Thank you very much.

Claire : No! You don't get to judge! I... Frank, I'm... I know you're upset about Annie breaking up with you.

Frank : Wait, Annie didn't break up with me. I broke up with her.

Phil : W-what?

Claire : Why? I thought she was so great!

Frank : Well, I got scared. I didn't know how to... be with another woman. I

Karry's English



thought your mother and I would be together forever.

Phil : I'm sorry, dad.

Frank : I never would have gone through with it last night, but, uh, Jeannie was so nice and professional.

Jeannie : Well, thank you, Frank. And for what it's worth, you got nothing to be nervous about. You were wonderful.

Frank : Really? You think so?

Jeannie : Yeah. If you love that woman, you should go get her back. She'll be lucky to have you. Seriously, I see a lot of guys your age. Most of them can

barely...

Claire : Okay. Let's get you in that cab.

Jeannie : I love your kids. That Alex is like a little me.

Claire : Yeah!

Phil : Oh, my God.

Andy : Good morning, boss, junior boss. Grab a seat and check it out. Egg-white omelet, high-protein smoothies, then I thought we could put on our running shoes and go...

Jay : I need to cut you off right there, chief. Seems my wife overstepped her

bounds. Now, you seem like a nice guy.

Andy : Thanks.

Jay : But I don't think you're the best fit for this house.

Andy : Are... are you serious?

Jay : I'm afraid so.

Andy : Okay. It was the underpants, wasn't it?

Jay : That didn't help.

Andy : Man, I came on too strong. Gosh dang it! My dad warned me about that when I turned 14. He said, "son, you're about to be the man of the family. You got

to learn to give people time to see how special you are."

Manny : Why were you the man of the family?

Andy : He sort of died.

Manny : How?

Andy : I don't want to bring you down, little man. Neither did my dad. He'd say, "my disease can't be all bad if it rhymes with 'answer.'" those are the flaxseed

muffins that I just baked. I'll just take them out and get out of here.

Jay : Andy, wait. We're never gonna eat them.

Andy : Well, then... I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Gloria : What didn't work out?

Andy : My mission here. It was really nice to meet you, though, Mrs. P.

Gloria : You didn't even give him a chance.

Manny : We took a vote, mom.

Jay : You got to respect the vote.

Gloria : No! You make me hire these nannies that I don't like. But when I find one that I like, you fire him?! I am the one that spends most of the time around here!

So I get to pick!

Andy : Shh. Sometimes the louder we are, the less we're heard. You're frustrated

right now, aren't you?

Gloria : Yes.

Andy : Because you feel like they're not hearing you.

Gloria : Yes.

Andy : Well, that's exactly how they feel.

Gloria : I'm sorry that I ignored your feelings. I promise that I will try not to yell so

much.

Jay : You're hired.

Manny : What?!

Andy : You better drink that smoothie. We're going on a run!

Manny : This isn't over.

Andy : Life isn't easy. Sometimes we just need a little help. Getting your confidence back, getting on the same page, getting out of your own way. Or just

Karry's English



getting moving. And I'm pleased as punch to be the one...

Jay : Okay, this is tough enough without all the yammering!

Andy : Sorry. Whoo!

Pepper : What would you like to dance to?

Cameron : I have to tell you we have to have some sort of square dancing.

Mitchell : We're not doing country.

Pepper : No square dancing.

Mitchell : We're not.

Pepper : There will be no hoedown tonight.

Mitchell : Pepper and I are on...

Cameron : My family is going to throw a fit. They'll riot.

Mitchell : We're not getting married for them. We're getting married for us.

Cameron : And I think we have a decorative cake out front, and then we have

sheet cakes in the back.

Pepper : Oh, I see! Is that the theme you're going for... tacky?!

Mitchell : Sheet... like a sheet.

Pepper : Oh, "sheet." I thought he said "chic cake." All of my cakes are chic.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x07 A Fair to Remember

sure hope Mom and dad are surprised by this anniversary breakfast we're bringing them! I hate to walk in if they are naked.

Yes, that kind of image could haunt someone if she tries to sleep even years later.Oh, relax.

I think you're safe.Or are they? So today at the school fair, a band called the Dad Beats is gonna

surprise Claire with a power love ballad.And the lead singer you might want to sit down is the one and only get up on your feet! this guy! She's a pretty sight Wise as a buddha But, brother, watch that

bite 'cause she's a Claire-Acuda Or maybe an existing song.Thank you.

Do you want to get your face painted like a pretty butterfly? No.I'm just not in the mood.Lily, what about you? You know what? Maybe I will have them paint "Worst coach

ever" on my forehead.Cam's coaching freshman football, and his team's losing, and it's making him, uh,

a little tense.Run, run! Protect it like it's your baby! You dropped your baby! You dropped your

baby! They're running away with your baby! Go get your baby! That's the worst call since they cast Russell Crowe in "Les Mis," right there! You see the way everyone's glaring at me? - No.

- Like a big loser coach.All in your head.

I'm the Hester Prynne of freshman football.I may as well have a scarlet "L" sewn on my shirt.Well, then, everyone would think you're Laverne.

Coach Tucker.That was a tough loss last night.

Yeah, yeah.Sure was.

I feel your frustration.Sure do.

Uh, Mitchell, this is John.

He's Trevor's dad.- Sorry.

- Star running back.Well, maybe not for long.I'm seriously thinking about pulling him from the team.

What? Why? 'Cause Trevor's getting killed out there.You got no one to block for him.

I I hear what you're saying, and you're not wrong, but give me a little time.You got one week.

Well, that is not appropriate fair behavior at all.You know what might make you feel better? Gathering my team and putting the fear of God in them.

I was gonna say a churro.I can do both! She's a mess.

Girl Hey, hey, lead foot, easy on the turns! I worked hours on this cake.You're sure you want to do this? I'm going to win the cake contest, and then there'll be no stopping me.

From what? A beating? First-place ribbons earn respect, Jay.Not if your competition's a bunch of old ladies and weirdos.

Could you just be nice? You didn't seem to care when you were eating all his practice cake.

Finally.What are you gonna do, pal?! About to ask you the same thing.Did you not see my blinker? - Nope.

- Then you're blind, 'cause it's on.Looking at you, I'm guessing it was on the whole way here.

I got all day and satellite radio.I don't care if parking here is on your bucket list.I've got two books on tape, a space blanket, and a protein bar in the glove box.

I will sleep here if I have to.We're not moving.

Ay, but we are.Let's go, Manny.

- Who are you? - Oh, my God! You scared the hell out of me! Okay, language.

Karry's English



There's a baby in the house.

Uh, that baby happens to be my uncle.Which one are you? You need to tell Mr.

P you broke one of his beers.I'm Alex.Who are you? I'm their Manny.

Nice try.I know their Manny, and you look nothing like him.

Oh, you're Haley.I'm their male nanny, Andy.

You really need to move.Okay, well, I'll be out by the pool.What? Nope! No, no, no.

Not without permission, you're not.- I'm gonna call Mr.

and Mrs.P.- Oh, wait! Um seriously, Mandy, do you, uh do you really have to do that? I see

what you're doing.Don't bother, because I have a girlfriend of eight years back in Utah.

That's pretty young, but I guess they do things differently over there.She's my age, and we're engaged to be engaged.

It's it's a pre-engagement.She's in the Coast Guard.- In Utah? - Yeah.

It's the largest salt lake in the western hemisphere.Oh, good.

She's protecting our lake.I'll be out by the pool.Your boss is calling you.

Hey! There she is.Yeah, I'm not giving you any money.

I don't need your money I need advice about a girl.Gross, but I'm intrigued, so talk.

Alex.

Hey, Girlita.

Sienna girl! Sienna is amazing stylish, worldly and she's so new to our school, she doesn't even realize that I'm a full social class below her.

I need to cement the friendship before she finds out we have a cafeteria.I've been looking all over for you.Uh, this is my little brother, Luke.

He wants advice on some lame crush he has.That's huge.

So huge.So, Luke, who is this mystery woman? Um just some girl.

And her name is Sienna.You know, Manny, I'm just gonna say this one last time.- I doubt that.

- Give me that.You want to fit in? You're not doing yourself any favors with this cake contest.

I don't know.Chefs get all the girls.You're a baker.

Bakers are girls Betty Crocker, Mrs.Fields, Little Debbie.

What about the Pillsbury Doughboy? That's a good one, Manny! Well, well, well.Jay Pritchett.

Nice of you to finally show up.- What's happening? - You're an official fair cop.- Your wife volunteered you.

- Gloria! I love you! Have fun! - What is this? - It's for charity.People pay for you to arrest and throw somebody in jail for 10 minutes.

And here comes your partner.What's up? Oh, hell, no.I'm not working with this clown.

Hey, who are you calling a clown, bucket list? I see you two have already met.That was my space and you know it.

Tell it to my car.You know where to find it.

Hey, enough of you two squabbling.

Karry's English



I've got the PTA breathing down my neck.

Just pin these on and get to work.Nope.

Can't do the badge.Sorry.My wife just bought me this shirt, and if I ruin it, she'll kill me.

You're afraid you'll ruin your blouse.It's not a blouse! It's a shirt.

She bought it at the men's department, so it's a shirt.Here's your first arrest.

She's over at the Dizzy Dragon.Word on the midway is she's tougher than she looks.- Think you can handle it? - Why couldn't I handle it? 'Cause she's your daughter.

Hello? Oh, hi, Mr.Chang.

Yeah.What do you mean you're at the house already? You're not supposed to be there for another two hours.

I have a long history of giving Phil bad anniversary gifts, but this year, I have planned something amazing.

The traditional 20th gift is china, but what am I gonna do, give him a plate? I already did that.

Okay, bye.Honey, um, what do you say we pack it in and go home? What? No.I mean, we just got here.

I haven't even whacked a mole yet.I know, but I just got off the Ferris wheel, and I'm feeling really queasy.

But you're gonna miss the Dad Beats.No way.Come on.

Let's get you a fried pickle! Phil, I might throw up.No one throws up until I sing.

Phil, we got to go.We got to go home now.

Sure.

Why not? Nothing keeping you here.

Why are you acting weird? I'm not acting weird.Got her.

Ma'am, I am afraid you are under arrest.Uh, no.Dad, tell him I can't do this right now.

Come on.Please.

Go ahead.Read her the charges.

Can't do this.All right.Let's see.

You have been charged with unlawful sexiness and possession of a hot booty.That is wrong.

- Guilty as charged.- Stop it! All right, 10 minutes in the slammer.No, I can't.

I don't have time for this.Phil! Oh, my God! What are you doing, perv?! Getting proof of where the two

missing beers went.You can't drink that out here.

Hmm.Let's see if you're right.Mm, no.

Okay, well, you're in a pool zone, and that is glass, so that's not safe.It's dangerous.

What is with you and your girlfriend protecting water? Okay, just - If you just - No no, uh, uh! Oh! D ahh! D-d oh, dilly! Well, now you've done it.You're gonna have to climb in there and get all the glass out of the pool.

Um, I just got my hair straightened, so that's not gonna happen.I hate to go all ballistic, but it has not been a pleasure meeting you.

Do you kiss your imaginary girlfriend with that mouth? I do, but she's real.So, she's a real girl.

Karry's English



It all comes down to one thing, gentlemen focus and teamwork and heart! You

see this mallet? Think I can swing this here mallet with one finger? No! I need my whole team! Because when you're functioning and working as a team, gentlemen,

look out! Sassy granny? Yeah, sassy granny.Yes, exactly.Because that is what you all played like last night is a bunch of sassy grannies.

But we're gonna bust our humps this week, and we're gonna get out there, and we're gonna play like a bunch of Girly men.

Got it.Okay, you know what? Is this thing plugged in? It's not electric.

I think it was made in the 1800s.Okay, well, that's my point.This is outdated.

This is offensive, because girls are athletes, too.So, in conclusion if you want to win football games, we got to go out there and

play like a What is daddy doing? Daddy's smashing his demons.Oh, like the ones you vacuum up at home? Yeah, yeah.Like that.

Mm! Damn.Near miss.

Why the hell are you so dressed up for a school fair, anyway? How is this dressed up?! I'm Why? Because my shirt has buttons? What's that fabric? Is that silk? Get

your vanilla fingers away from my shirt! - Blouse.- Okay You want to talk about clothes? Let's talk about clothes.Let's go.

Let's see.You look like some kind of old, washed-up golf pro who drank his way off the

tour and is one step away from writing a suicide note with one of them little pencils.Sorry.

I didn't mean that.You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it.

I don't have the body to wear the clothes they make today, so I dress comfortable.You're in shape, man.

What are you? Late 50s? Come on.

You know I'm not.

I'm serious, man.Y you look like you live at the gym.

- I do some walking.- Yeah? Pritchett, Williams, got another arrest over by the Ferris wheel.On it.

Here we go.Why'd we throw out the ice cream? We got plenty of time.

Seeing Manny up there with the misfits and their crazy cakes, I started to wonder if Jay was right.

Maybe Manny would fit in better if he was more like the other boys.And maybe I needed to give him a little push.I saw you.

All right, young lady.You're under arrest.

- What? - You have the right to remain silent.Good luck with that.Grandpa! Sorry, honey.

Part of the job.Out of the way! Let's go.

Who did this?! Hmm.I guess it's just you and me.

My cake! Somebody ruined it! Who would do that?! Ay! Manny, how terrible.All your hard work.Oh, well.

Let's go ride the rides.No, no, no.

Mom, I know who did it.Oh, you do? It was Enid.Ah.

Look at her.You can see the hate in her eyes.

The minute she saw this, she felt threatened.She's cold as ice.

How about you just let it go and go play with the other boys? Oh, she'd love that.

Karry's English



Okay, Enid.

You want to dance? Let's dance.Let me have my cellphone.

Come on.I got to make a call.Sorry.

Those are the rules.What are you smiling at? I'm six.

Oh, God.All right.

Got another one for you here.Hi, honey.Come on.

One count of being an aggravating big sister.That's 8 to 10 minutes.

Luke did this?! I was just trying to help him.Help him do what? My friend Sienna and I were trying to help him find this girl he has a crush on.

Honey, Sienna is the girl he has a crush on.Come on, haven't you ever seen the way he looks at her? It's same way he used to

look at Halloween candy.Oh, my God.

He's gonna do something stupid and ruin it for me.I have to get out of here.Okay.

All right.I got a plan.

I got this.I'm gonna create a distraction.Just got to get that little guard over here.

You're gonna sit down very quietly, right by the door.Great plan, mom.

Let me know how that works out for you.It's a fake lock.

How long were you gonna sit on that? Found another one.

I told you.

Are you gonna do that every time? You found glass, not the lost city of Atlanta.Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lot of underage drinking.

- You're bleeding.- What? I do not like blood.I do not like blood.

- Is it bad? - Here.- Oh, my God! - What? Your fingers are so stubby, like baby carrots.

Sure.Okay.

Make fun till you need me to reach into a vending machine, then I'm everyone's best friend.Here.

Hold still.Let me put some pressure on it.

So, why are you a manny, anyway? Saving up for college.Plus, I like kids.'Cause they make your hands seem normal? Okay.

Thank you.I'm good.

Thank you.Luke, I hate to say it, but maybe this girl left.

It's probably for the best.I mean, even if I found her ah, forget it.It's embarrassing.

No.Tell me.

I wouldn't know what to do.I've never kissed a girl before.Oh! It's not that hard.

You know what? I'll kiss you once to show you how it's done.Really? Okay.

Want to go behind the dumpster? No.Here is fine.

Okay.

Karry's English



It's not really how I imagined it, but Stop! - What? - Ignore her.

Where were we? You're the girl! You're his crush! He's being a little weirdo! Please don't judge me! Uh, Luke, is this true? She's a nerd! Her friends are books! You're

the best thing that's ever happened to her! - Alex? - Um, I don't know what he's talking about! Okay, I'm just gonna go catch up with some friends.Sienna, wait! Don't be sad.

You're too good for her anyways.Yeah.

Thanks, Alex.Not you.

I was talking about myself, you little gnome.There he is.One more arrest and we can hang up our badges.

I've seen this punk horsing around earlier.I'm gonna enjoy this.

Jail time, jean jacket.- Is it bad? - You're gonna be fine.Aah! I should have worn a vest.

Why is everyone just standing around?! Get this man a towel for his blouse! So cold.

We were almost out.- I didn't want it to end like this.

- Don't you do that! It's not over! Listen to me.I need you to tell my wife what happened.Tell her it wasn't my fault.

You're gonna tell her yourself.She's standing right there, and she looks pissed.

Hi, baby.Phil Phil, when I said we needed to go home, I meant it.I'm sorry.

I should have listened to you.But you have to stay for just one song.

Why? Trust me.Whoo! How's everybody doing?! Good! All right, next up, we have a very special

guest joining us.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for - Harold Grossman! - Wait.

What? Uh, never really done anything like this before.Uh, some of the gang down at the pharmacy talked me into it, so Gotta take a

little time A little time to think things over I'd better read between the lines In case I need it when I'm older In my life Turns out Harold Grossman, our pharmacist, is a rock star.

His voice is the drug he should be dispensing, because apparently, it's the cure for everything.

- Time to go.Let's go.

- No, no, no, no, no! Stay, stay, stay, stay! Come on, he's great! Whoo! I want you to show me I want to feel what love is And I know, and I know I know you can show me Oh, he's incredible! - I know.

- Incredible! Harold Grossman, everybody! Holy cow! Who knew?! Let's keep this party going.

Next up, we have one more guest today.Oh, no.Harold, yeah.

Harold, Harold! Okay, now.Okay.

Maybe Harold can come back a little later.But in the meantime, the Dad Beats are proud to present Phil Dunphy! Paul who?

Phil? Phil Dunphy.- Oh, Phil Dunphy.- Oh, boy.

There's a white minivan out in the parking lot with its lights on license plate number TCB-R2D2.

Phil Dunphy, everybody.Hey, mom.Check it out.

- I finished my cake.- Oh, good.

It's Los Angeles after an 11.5 earthquake.

I call it earth-cake.

Karry's English



Manny, that's amazing! You think that's amazing? Wait till I smash this thing right

on top of Enid's piece of sheet cake.No, no, no! Wait! Manny, Enid didn't do it.

- I did it.- What? I was the one who ruined the cake.I was afraid that all those boys were gonna make fun of you.

I think I care more about you fitting in than you do.No.

I care.I care a lot.

It's just the stuff I'm good at isn't the stuff that makes you popular.Contestants, all cakes must be at the judges' table in 60 seconds.Ay, there's no way we're gonna make it through that crowd.

Like heck we won't.Here.

- What? - Follow my lead.- Okay.- Ready? Come on.

Oh, well, look who finally put down his mallet.You done having your little temper tantrum? It wasn't that bad.

Cam, your behavior was completely juvenile, and I don't think that it set a very good example Hey, hey! No cutsies for Lily.

I'm sorry.I'm just frustrated.I I can't seem to turn this team into a winner.

Oh, why do you let it get you so stressed out? It's just football.You know what football was to me? Football was my salvation.

Every time I stepped onto that field, I wasn't the weird gay outsider kid anymore.I inspired my entire team because I had something to prove.Where's my kid that has something to prove? Come on mom! Stay on my hip!

Follow my lead! Move! That's exactly what I need.Oh! Come on! Come on, mom.

Cake? Tell them the good news.- I won the cake contest! - The other good news.

He made the football team.

They won their first game.

And the guys love my banana bread.Keep your eyes closed, and before you open them, remember that for 20 years,

you have given me perfect, creative, thoughtful gifts.And every year, I have let you down.You're about to feel really bad, and I know that, because it's how I have felt every

year.But, honey, it is not my intention, because I love you.

Happy anniversary.Oh, my God.

Chinese acrobats?! You're brilliant.- You got it! - Hey, guys! You're my present! Oh oh, what's that? That's the helicopter.

I should get in there.No, no, they're they're here for you.

They're here for you.Oh honey.Don't worry, it was just a couple of beers, and if you cleaned it up Okay, Haley, I

love you, too.Bye.

Excuse me, ma'am.I hear you're a wanted woman.

What you see can and will be held against you.You're gonna have to arrest me first.Bring me some wine.

Mr.P.

, I have a confession to make.I'm taking a much more interesting confession upstairs.After Joe went down, I had a sip of beer by the pool, and a bottle broke.

- It was me.I did it.

- Don't sweat it.I popped a cold one after dealing with those kids Sometimes during.

Thanks, Mr.

Karry's English



P.

And, hey Be careful up there.We are not that close.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x08 ClosetCon ‘13

How the hell they lose our reservation? Dad, you were married to mom for thirty years, this is not like a whole night in the couch.

I'm gonna call for the ***.I'm gonna try to squeeze them on that $9.

95 Wi-Fi fee.They're selling air.

Closetcon is the premier North American trade show for the closet industry.I stopped going years ago 'cause it's a trade show for the closet industry.Thank you.

This schedule is incredible.Dad, there's a 10:45 session on sustainable materials.

We have got to hit that.Mm, but it overlaps with the 11:00 A.M.

panel on paneling.And a breakout session on shoe storage.

Little advice -- the convention floor is for suckers.All work is done at the bar -- unless Tony G.

and Layla are singing standards, in which case, no work -- prepare to be entertained.Dad, I came here to learn, not sit at the bar and drink.

You do what you want.I'm getting a scotch.

Well, I do need to meet everybody.Ooh, good.Breakfast.

Breakfast? Try lunch.- We wake up early on the farm.

- Sure do.There's our sleepy city mouse.

Let's get you all squared away here.- Yeah, I-I got it.

- No, I got it.

- Down here.- I'm good.

I'm good.Now, I know -- You know, I forgot how much work there was to be done around here.

I've been mending fence all morning.Been mending, have you? Missouri.

Misery.- What a pig sty, huh? - Cute.

Daddy went to town, he's gonna be there till supper, so I'm helping mama slop the pigs.You want to -- you want to pitch in? I don't know, I just ate that bacon, so How's

that gonna look? Want to ring the dinner bell, "little bomber"? Oh, that's actually really quaint.

Is it one of those little triangle thi-- S-o-o-o-ooey! Hoo! Loudest call in the tri-county area.Do it again! No, sweetheart.

I think once was enough.- We don't -- - S-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ooey! There's actually an animal that runs

toward that sound, huh? - Hello, hello! - Hey! - Did you make the reservation? - Yeah, 7:00.

- Mwah.Mwah.- Mwah.

Mwah.Fun family time with this little newsy and a steak dinner.

Who says people at the closet convention get all the fun? No one.No one says that.I am telling you, the way he looked at me when I came to the door -- it is so on.

Kind of seemed like he was just delivering pizza, and you were giving him money.What are you guys talking about? Chuck, the pizza guy from last night.

He's shy and thoughtful and wears a Princeton sweatshirt -- - hardly Haley's type.- Oh, my God.

You love him.

Karry's English



What? No! I -- how would you say I love him? He's been to our house exactly

three times.That's ridiculous, Haley! Don't even look at me.

This is so stupid.She loves him.Hey, "manimal.

" How was picture day? You know what's super-helpful? When the guy in line behind you calls you "mount sweatmore.

" - I was trying to relax you.- Hey.

It was right in front of you -- "Brad pitt-stains." - Come on, Luke.- It's okay.

Whoa.New security system? You can see the backyard, the front door, the garage --

everywhere.Yeah, can't take any chances since mom gave birth to the hope diamond over there.

There is a room off the kitchen at Jay's house that's always locked.I try it every time I'm there.

I've spent countless hours imagining that that room is a house of treasure a palace of ceaseless wonder.

It's real.Hello, old friend.Would you look at that? What?! That's coconuts! No! Whoa.

Is that -- A replica of Apollo 13.Look at the detail.

You can almost see the astronauts drinking teeny, tiny tang.- Can I hold it? - No.You have any idea how valuable this is? And your fingers are covered in cheese

dust.There.

- No! Luke, please! - Hey, guys.Knock it off.

Don't worry, Gloria.

I got it.

- Dios mío! - Nobody panic! This is a collector's edition.It's 40 years old! We're gonna have to improvise.

Gloria, call the steakhouse and cancel.Um Manny, find some glue.Luke, let's get these parts into the garage.

I know this seems impossible, but we can do this! Hello.Houston's? We have a situation.

Hi.We're with closetcon.

All-access.She doesn't care.You're the only dope wearing that here.

- Give it to me.- No.

I like it.Hey.Joel.

Looking good, my friend.Took a bath on automated closets.

People aren't ready for that.Jay Pritchett.

Get your cute butt over here.- Who's that? - An old friend.I'm gonna go say hello.

Why don't you get us a couple drinks? Yeah.I'll do that.

Hi.Can I get a scotch and a white wine? Wow, rowdy crowd, huh? Trade shows -- people get away from their families, - get a little liquored up.

- Yeah, I get that.Let's just say when the nametags go on, the wedding rings come off.

I am not so on board with that.Hey, there.

Classy.

Karry's English



Let me just fix this you're looking so great.

My mom was pretty self-involved, and my dad traveled a lot for work.So, yeah, I did wonder if you know.

And not that I could blame him.My friend Alison's mom greeted her every day after school with a big hug and a giant smile, and I always thought, "yeah Wouldn't mind a piece of that.

" - So, are we doing this? - I'll bring it to your room this afternoon.We have a little tradition at Closetcon for rookies, which Claire is this year.

We take a skeleton.We hide it in their closet.

They open the door and scream, and we all have a good laugh.Can't take full credit for the idea.We stole it from Cabinetcon.

Hot cider.Oh, yes.

Thank you, Barb.- Thank you so much.- It's chilly.

Mmm.Wow, that's got a kick.

- That'll be the rum.- Ah.

I can feel it warming up your belly.Yeah, still in my mouth and throat.Well, what's that? Boy, it starting to get nippy, huh? You guys want to walk down

to the duck pond? Um -- that sounds lovely.I'll get the gun.

- Are y'all coming? - "Y'all"? - We don't say "y'all"! - Yeah, we do.No, well, yeah, we say it here, but not normally.Well, did you ever think this is how I really talk and that I talk different-like when

I'm not here? Y'all fighting? No, no, sweetie, we're just having a conversation about how your daddy can be so stuck-up.

Cam, that's really mature.Use our daughter to get your little digs in.

I would never do that, sweetie.

You don't think I notice how condescending you are when we come here? You

just set on the porch.You roll your eyes.

You don't participate in anything.And, yeah, I said "set." But that's how we talk here.

I'm from this place.I'm proud of this place.

And it hurts me that the man I love just thinks it's some big joke.Come on, sweetie.

Lord a'mercy.Ugh.I'm starving.

What are we gonna do about dinner? I checked with dad, and I ordered a couple pizzas from Theo's.

I knew it! You're stalking my pizza guy! He is not into you, okay? Does he call you "brown eyes" and give you extra mozzarella sticks? Okay, that's it, you two! You cannot fight over men like it's jewelry or shoes.

If you're both interested, no one makes a move.Sisters before misters! - Stalker! - Trollop.

Ha-ha, don't know what it means -- - What did you do?! - Nothing! Aah! Yes, you did! You turned it on, - and now the propeller's all tangled up! - Why would I do

that? 'Cause my pizza guy is coming, and now I have airplane in my hair! I swear I didn't, Haley.Okay.

I'll get it out.Oh, my God, ow! - What is happening?! - I don't know! Ohh, you find a little toy?

Hey, was that aunt Marge just tearing down the driveway? Yes.And she dropped off a little present.Is that my Cam Cam? - Gram gram! - Oh, you.

There have been some storm warnings, so Marge thought she'd be safer over here.

But she dropped her off so fast - that we didn't even have a chance to straighten up.

- Oh.

Karry's English



We never told gram about the gay.

You know, after they reach a certain age, you worry that it could be the thing that sends them over the edge, and she's been on the edge for a long time.

We're actually on deathbed number two.Mitchell.Mitchell.

Okay.W-what's this? This is me ready to slop, bale, or milk something.

- You don't need to do that.- No, I -- Cam, I-I know.

I know I gave you hell for being who you really are, - and I want to make that up to you.- Yeah, but you know what? Putting on my sister's Sunday overalls is gesture

enough.- What's this? - Oh, it's my chewing straw.

- It's not straw.- Oh, it's just show -- for show.Hey.

Come on, come on.You know, you love the man, - you love the world he comes from.

- Yeah, but you know what? I don't know if it's these farming clothes or what, but I am feeling so close to you right now.

- Well, that's so sweet.- Now give me a kiss.No, not right now.

Well, don't make me rassle you down.Who's this? Oh, dear.

Uh Well, grams, this is Bud, our new farmhand.Bud? Yeah, Bud's a little simpleminded on account of getting mule-kicked, isn't he? And you know the rules on being in the house, Bud.

Now, go on outside.We're gonna milk the cows in a few minutes.

Get on out there.Have a treat afterwards.

Here's what we've got to work with.

Nicely done.

I've got Florida on the line.Dad, I'm flying you in.

You're the model expert.What are we looking at, son? Holy Moses.More like Apollo 1,300 pieces! In space, I guess no one can hear you be hilarious.

I need you to focus.- If Jay sees this -- - I know! Dad, you've got three good men here depending on

you.Say no more -- I'm gonna tap a button now that's either gonna make you larger

on my screen or -- We've lost Florida.Yeah, yeah.Bring the skeleton up now.

I just got to the room.Hey, dad.

Hey, honey.I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.Yeah, well, the lecture got done a little early, and I was kind of the star of the

evening.I got a huge laugh when I coined the phrase "shelf-esteem.

" Huh? Yeah? Okay, I'll text it to Phil.Why don't you go down to the lobby? You'll get a stronger signal.

- Oh.Hello.- Rita.

- This is my daughter, Claire.- Hi.

Claire, this is Rita.Your dad and I go way back.First time we met, I told him he needed a course in "hanger" management.

It's still funny.Seriously? Her husband's in the garment business.

He made me a suit.I make the closets, and he fills them.

Match made in heaven.

Karry's English



Honey, they're kind of sticklers at that restaurant.

Why don't you grab our table? I'll put this in the room.Uh, okay.

Will do.Um, really nice to meet you.See you downstairs.

I actually am gonna take the stairs.That elevator is slow.

Hey, was it just me, or was she looking at me weird? I did kind of sense that.You don't think she knows about our deal? How could she? It was 20 years ago.

And I never told anyone.Would she even care? That I tried to get rid of the man she ended up marrying? Well, it's not like you took a hit out on him.

You had me offer him a job in the greatest state in the union.Okay, Tex.

If I never said anything, how could she know? You're not the first one I approached.You're just the first one who said yes.

- I'm done.I'm done.

- Come on.Please, just be Bud -- for a couple days.

You can do some chores, maybe I can berate you a little bit to really sell it.Do you hear how insane you sound? Chores? All right, you know what? You -- you deal with your grandmother however you want.

- Lily and I will just go get a hotel room.- No, you can't.

Fine.Motel, silo -- whatever you got around here.No, that alarm means there's a tornado coming right now.

Oh, God.Well, where's Lily? I hope she's not still out in the field.

Lil-y-y-y-y! You can't just call her like a pig! Lil-y-y-y-y-y! Okay, this is just a farm thing, not, like, a mall thing.

- What's that, city voice? - Hmm? Just go.

This is really in there good.

Get her off of me.I'm getting dumb through osmosis.

I don't have osmosis.Oh, great.Chuck's here with the pizza.

Gloria, can you please get it? No.You two be nice to each other and figure it out.

Oh, hey, Chuck.I didn't think you'd be working tonight.

Hey.What are you doing here? Oh, this is my grandfather's house.There's a pool.

Do you swim? You look like you swim.I do.

Oh, thanks.- Ah-ah-ah! - You okay? Oh, yeah.Totally.

Just a cramp.I work out.

One second.You little shut up.

Hey, you.Hey, brown eyes.Okay, cool.

Thanks.Bye.

Bye! - What? - Shut up, dork.Don't be nervous, honey.There's nothing to be scared of.

Take it easy, mama.Don't break a hip.

I'm telling you right now -- I am not pretending to be something I'm not, especially in front of our daughter.

Karry's English



Oh, so I can't kiss you in front of your dad for six years, and you can't give me

two days? We're saving an old lady some unnecessary upset.Why don't you give her a little credit? She might be more open-minded than you

think.Well, you're a cute little Chinese thing.Actually, Gram, she's, uh, from Vietnam, and her name's Lily.

Dad, how long do we have to stay down here? "Dad"? Okay, well, I guess there's no way around this.

Ac-- actually, ma'am she's my kin.So, you got a Chinese wife, Bud? No, I-I-I went to Vietnam, and I did myself some

adopting, and now I'm raising her all by my lonesome.Well, I never thought I'd live long enough to see that.None of us did.

But I guess there's nothing more important than family No matter how they come.Well, that is mighty open-minded of you.

Some folks 'round these parts don't share that progressive -- I say progressive -- sensibility.To each his own.

But I do wish I had another little one like that to spoil.What if I told you you did have a great-grandbaby? - What? - Cam -- It's okay,

mama.What if I told you I was in love, and that I've never been happier in my entire life,

and that I'm about to get married? I can't think of anything better.And what if I told you the love of my life is this man standing right here? Then I'd know why God sent us this tornado.

Damn.After the initial shock, Gram softened a bit.

She even agreed to attend the wedding.Standing outside with a sign.Baby steps, Mitchell.

Baby steps.And our antenna is - Reattached.

- Yes! Oh, this is useless.Hey, I don't want to hear talk like that.

If you want inspiration, think about Apollo 13.

Jay didn't give up when he first put together this model.

It was hard and complicated, and back then, the print on the instructions was tiny, but he persevered.

Also, the astronauts on the actual Apollo 13 didn't give up when their actual lives were in danger.Them, too, but they had a lot of other people helping them out.

We're on our own here.Okay, I figured out what we need to reattach that damn landing module.

Glue won't work.We need a very thin filament -- thinner than thread.

I know what will work.Well, I need to go check on something.I told my date I'd be back in a jiff.

Back in a jiff.Nothing to do but wait.

Why are we making ourselves crazy, Phil? I don't know.I just hate disappointing Jay so much.He is not an easy guy to please.

I know, but when you do, it's pretty sweet, ain't it? Sure is.You're lucky to have a dad like that.

Hard not to be hurt by that, son.How have I never noticed how loud you breathe? Aw, don't beat yourself up --

that'd require you to notice something that isn't about you.Oh, my God, you are such a loser! I can't be stuck to you all day! Okay, that's it! I cannot listen to this anymore! I'm going to cut you two out of there.

No! Gloria, no! My hair! - Too late! - Okay, okay! Just cut mine.Yeah, cut hers! Wait.

Why? No one cares what I look like, anyway.You don't really think that.Yeah, well, kind of.

You didn't see the way that Chuck was looking at you? Wait, you actually think I'm a threat? I'm not gonna say that out loud.

Aww, that's so sweet.Well, if I ever had a boyfriend, I wouldn't trust him with you for five seconds.

Okay.

Karry's English



Let's finish this job.

Gloria, no, you can't cut -- and there you go.That's it.

That was easy.Why did you wait an hour to do this? Why did you wait At least this way, nothing bad happened to anyone's pretty hair.

- Oh, honey, I didn't hear you come in.- Mm.

- How was the rest of your night? - Let's see.After you bailed on me, Mark from Closetopia yakked my ear off and then told me

I look like Heidi Klum, which is such an obvious come-on.Mark's gay.Well, in that case, my night stank.

And I didn't bail.I know a lot of people here.

They pulled me away.Hey, these robes are terrific.You know, there's one for you in the closet.

You ought to put it on.I don't want a robe.

Dad, were you avoiding me tonight? Why would I avoid you? Trust me -- soft, like butter.

Right in there.Don't make me ask.What are you talking about? You and Rita 20 years ago -- - It's okay.

I know.- Oh, geez.

I get it.Things happen.- Really? - It was a long time ago.

Well, I appreciate it.I just want to say I'm not proud of it.

If I had known him then like I know him now, I never would have tried to get rid of Phil.

Good night.

"Get rid of Phil"? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You

and Rita had an affair.No, we didn't.

That's crazy.Well, okay, good night."Get rid of Phil" -- what does that even mean? It doesn't mean anything.

You had just started dating.You know I was never hot on the guy.

I told Rita to offer him a sales job in Texas.I remember that, but that wasn't when we were dating.

- We were engaged.- Doesn't matter.Phil didn't take the job anyway.

If anything, my little test proved how much he loved you.You're welcome.

We'll talk in the morning.Oh, how dare you -- "you're welcome" please.Oh, I can't even be in the same room with you.

- Where is my coat? - Uh, Claire.Ugh, unbelievable.

"I don't like my son-in-law, so I'm gonna ship him off to Texas." Real mature way to deal with your problems, dad.

- I get that point.- Yeah.Real mature.

- That's real mature, too.- That's tradition.

- It's the skeleton -- .- In the closet.Oh, I get it.

I'm really sorry, but before you go storming out of here, you want to talk about a certain phone call I got from immigration a few years ago? I had just started

dating Gloria.They were acting on an anonymous tip.

It's very late.

Karry's English



We have a very big day tomorrow.

You know, Claire, I've really come to like Phil.I know.

And the irony is, he would really love that skeleton gag.Try it out on him.You got to take care of that thing till next year.

Oh, God.Wait, before you turn that out, have we talked about everything we need to?

'Cause I want everything out in the clear here.Yeah.

We have.- Good night.- Good night.

I did make out with Rita once about 15 years ago.Good night.

Okay.All that's left is to reattach the lander to the command module.We got one shot at this, fellas.

If we fail, Jay's gonna burn up on re-entry into this house.Am I right? Hole in one, son! Thanks, dad.

Boys, if this thing goes sideways, I don't want you to be here to see it.- So go on.

- But, dad -- No, you listen to me! Okay, Phil.Okay, Philip.Steady.

He's locked in.Not now, nerves.

Hold.Hold.Be a hero.

Bring her home.I guess I'll call a cab.

So long, Jeanine.Is it? Is -- It is! Splashdown! Son of a bitch, he did it.

Yeah! Gloria, get in here! There we go! - Dad, you did it! - Yes, I did! I love it! I

love it! I love it! Phil, honey.Come to bed.

This robe feels like butter.I missed this, honey.That yoga's really paying off.

Hey, whoa.Slow down, baby.

You can't gun a cold engine.But if you're -- then who's -- when did you know? When it didn't complain about

my socks.You checked the closet, didn't you? Every night before bed.I really don't understand it.

It's so silly.I mean, if somebody really wanted to kill you, obviously they'd just hide under the

bed.- Good night.- Mm.

Damn it.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x09 The Big Game

I have to show a house today, so see you guys at Luke's football game.I'm too tired to go.

I have a midterm tomorrow, which I'll probably fail and I was up really late studying.

She was.I was up really late doing this.

Don't even bother coming.I'm quitting today.I'm sick of this guy on the team always making fun of me.

He's just jealous because you're the one who puts points on the board.- Why? Because you run the scoreboard - run the scoreboard.

I'm out, too.But all your classmates will be there.We ignore each other all week.

It's nice to have a little break on the weekends.Geez, I've never seen such a bunch of no-getters.

Coined it! Remember, keep a positive attitude, and good things will happen.Two things I bring to every open house -- my lucky pen and a smile.

I haven't sold a house all month.Do you see me saying "I'm done"? Never.Because there is no "done" in Dunphy.

I'll see you guys at the game.Hey, there is no "umph" in Dunph-- different spelling! Cam! Yes, Phil, I remember

your special play, but I think the triple gull-wing is a little tricky to run at such an important sporting match.Cam has a number of delightful superstitions during the football season.

Well, they're not superstitions when they work.That seems science-y.

Not sorry that today is the last g-a-m-e.Well, thank you, but good coaches don't need luck.

We make luck.See you at the athletic endeavor.

I'm going to call Gloria and see if she can pick up Lily, too, you know, just in case

What, you procrastinate again and not tell Charlie you're quitting? No, no! I'm gonna do it.

I just -- I'm picturing his face when I tell him, shaking his head in disappointment.It's -- it's hard.- Hey, just do it! - No.

I don't know why you're making yourself so crazy over this.You're right.

You're right.I -- I do not want to be crazy.

I'll see you at the game.Hey, Gloria.Yes, Mitch, I will pick her up.

Thank you so much! All right.Bye, Lily.

Good luck with the whole Patrick situation.Dad, you're embarrassing me.Well, welcome to the rest of your life, sweetheart.

So, Lily, tell me more about this Patrick.He likes the swings, he sits by the flag, and he can count to 100.

He sounds like the whole package.Then what is the problem? He doesn't notice me.

So then make him notice you.You don't want to wake up one morning as a lonely 9-year-old, wondering where all the time went.

Hey, mom.If you're at the store later, could you pick up some ice? I'm gonna need it for after

the game.My little athlete.I want to try out the gelato maker I traded my bike for.

Lures me in every time.Oh, okay.

Bye.Dad, you can just drop me at the next light.

I can walk from there, and I got to call Phil anyway.

Karry's English



You did the same thing yesterday.

Why? What's going on with you? - You smoking again? - No! No.I just -- I don't want to put a spotlight on the fact that I'm the boss's daughter.

It makes people resent me.- This is good.Thanks, dad.

- Yeah.- Bye.

- Bye.I can see that bothers you.

Well, yeah, your own kid, embarrassed to be seen with you, you know? - You spend your whole life -- - Here's fine.Last month, a law-school classmate offered me a job at his legal aid society, and I

just knew I had to take it.And I explained that in a letter that I was going to sneak onto Charlie's desk.

Oh, good.It's you.Hey! Did you sleep here? My girlfriend dumped me, uh, in an e-mail.

Couldn't even do it face-to-face.Pretty gutless, huh? Oh, you should go home, get some rest.

I can't go back there.It would be too hard.

Mm, too many memories? No, we were living on my boat.I don't know where she took it.Enough of my whining.

What do you need? Oh, well, I just -- I just came by to say hi.Hi.

And also, mm, to tell you in a very gut-ful fashion, face-to-face, about something that I have been thinking about.But I do think that, um, I am going to have to leave about five minutes early

today.Uh, Cam is -- is coaching a high-school football game.

- I'm in.- What? Certainly not gonna be able to focus on any of this today.

Yeah, I need a shot of marching bands, fresh-cut grass, rosy-cheeked kids.

Hey! Do they still run through a banner? - They do! - I love that.

I love that.Let's see.

The game's at what, like, 4:00? We should probably -- Hey! Give me that.I'm -- this is my private cell.Only three people in the whole world use this.

Two people.Uh, Claire, is, uh -- is there a reason you didn't sign this shipping form? Oh, no.

Sorry.I'll do it now.

Oh, no.No.Now's a little late.

See, they came in this morning, and they can't do a thing without a manager's signature.

So now I've got - lined up in the warehouse.- Oh, my God.In the future, I'd appreciate it -- Hey, hey, Tim.

I think you made your point.It was an honest mistake, all right? - Dad -- - I'm just saying that it's what a

warehouse is for, to hold things.- Not the end of the world.

Right.- Of course.- Sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.It's my fault.

Bye, Tim.Bye! Dad! This is exactly what I was talking about in the car this morning! I want them to see me like a co-worker, not somebody who's getting special treatment

'cause she's the boss's daughter.Is it possible you're being a little oversensitive here? No, I'm not.

I'm being -- Wow, here? Really?! You know, you gave me this.- Look how adorable you were.

- Okay.

Karry's English



Okay.

Okay.I want you to try really hard to hear what I'm saying.

When I need your help, I will ask for it.And until then, just butt out.What happened to you? Hey, Miller, your toes are looking a little lonely.

Why don't you pay them a visit? What's with the extra warm-ups, coach? These guys haven't won all year.

Did you hear that, team? Miller just bought you a little present.I wasn't complaining.

I was just wondering why we have to -- Take a lap! Burt Levoisier, Red Stagg, Duckie Pond -- all coaching legends at this High School and none have won more than two games their first season.

I win today, that makes three, making me the winningest first-year freshman coach ever.

Oh, hey, Luke, Reuben's sick, so I'm gonna need you to be the announcer today.How am I supposed to keep score and announce at the same time? Same way you're a spaz and a dork at the same time, spork.

Okay, lose the attitude, but keep that intensity.Uh, hey, excuse me, ref.

What's with all the black arm bands? Their coach passed away last night.He'd been sick for a while.

That's terrible.And we're still playing? Well, they're tough kids.Roger Knight lived for high-school football, so they're playing this one in his

honor.Okay, hey, guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Tragic news about Coach Knight.

But you know what? We need to focus up.Plenty of time to pay our respects, but there will be no mourning knight this afternoon.

- Lot of character over there.- Yep.

- Those kids haven't won a game all year.- Uh-huh.

And now to have to play on his birthday Okay, see you at the coin toss.

Top of the morning! Real estate and, to a lesser extent, life is all about

perseverance.Things go wrong.

Keys get lost, deals fall through, keys get misplaced.Uh, a lot of it has to do with keys.But that's when you find out there are two types of people -- those who waste

time staring at a closed door And those who find a window.I'm looking at my first month ever without a sale.

Some people might give up.But those people aren't Phil Dunphy.

No! It's like I tell my kids -- keep a positive attitude and things will fall your way.As my favorite redhead once sang, the sun will come out tomorrow.That redhead, of course, was Mitchell, introducing me to the plucky orphan Annie

whose never-say-die attitude pulled this country out of a little thing called The Great Depression.

And anything a little girl can do, I can try to do, too.Hey! Hey, guys! Welcome back! - Drink it in! - Wow! Pretty great, huh? Oh, am I glad you guys could see this during the daytime.

I really think it shows better like that.So? Should we just cut to the chase and pay me my commission? I'm kidding.

You don't pay me directly.There's no fee in dun-- Phil.

Listen, Phil, we've got some great news.I love it! Where's my lucky pen? We wanted to tell you this in person.- We just came from the doctor -- - I'm pregnant! Oh, my God! You guys! Except

we decided to put off buying the house - until after the baby's born.- Sure.

- We've been trying for, like, six years.- Sure.For a while there, it seemed like the universe was against us.

That's ridiculous.Why would the universe be against one person? Here, have a spirit sticker! Don't

be the only student without one.I actually go to this school! Wow, you really are invisible, huh? I could not be

more fine with it.

Karry's English



You're like that guy from that movie who wishes he was never born.

"It's a wonderful life." You say that, but do you mean it? Beautiful day here at Red Stagg field.

Kicking off for the home team is number 44, Jason Miller, who also plays lacrosse, soccer, and all the girl parts when he and his friends act out "High School Musical." Quite possibly the only girl parts he'll ever see.

Haley! Hey, Dylan! I didn't realize you were coming here.Are you kidding? This place was like a home to me.

It's like I was homeschooled.But I wasn't.

I was school-schooled.Were you? I got six kinds of pills in my pocket, but this here, all this, this is the best medicine.

Aw, I'm glad you're feeling better.So, Charlie, I -- I'm here to get Lily.

Oh, before I call her, we had a small issue today.One of the boys, Patrick, said Lily pushed him down and tried to kiss him.No, that doesn't sound like Lily.

She was probably imitating something she saw on TV or in her family -- Ay, it was the TV, yes.

Oh, but here she is.She's always so sweet.

Bye, Patrick.You see? They're just friends.What are you laughing at, Evan? You're next.

Okay, I'm going to talk to her for a little bit.Oh, did I ever tell you that I put your name up here? Huh? "Haley Dunphy dome.

" Aww, you named our special spot? Actually it was supposed to be "Haley Dunphy, do me." I'm bad with spacing.

Oh, you're not so bad.And that's halftime -- Panthers 6, Dolphins 0.

That zero score by Jason Miller, who proudly prances off the field.Just let me go up there and kick that kid's butt.

Knock it off, Miller.

I need your leg.

Take a knee.Now, I don't know what tuna net you dolphins swam into, but you are drowning

out there! Coach, would it really be such a bad thing if we lost? - Beg your pardon? - Look at them, coach.Haven't they lost enough already? Maybe giving them a win would, in a way, be a

victory for us, too.Okay, you know what mattered the most to Coach Knight? His work with

special-needs kids? Okay, he took one kid to one beach one time.Football! Football is what mattered the most! He lived for competition! He

believed in sportsmanship, integrity! Okay? Now, the way I see it, we can roll over and give them an empty, meaningless victory that he would hate.Or we can go out there, leave it all on the field, and be a team he would be proud

to lose to.Now, is this an "I" activity or a "we" activity?! - We! - What?! - We! - What?! - We!

We! We! We! We! We! - That's right! Now you sound like dolphins! Hey, Tim! I got the next three days of delivery slips for you here, signed, huh? - Thanks, Claire.- Yeah.

Signed those up good, huh? - Yep.Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.Yeah.

Thanks.So, this is -- this is the, uh, the regency birch? Beautiful model.Gorgeous.

- You guys do such good work down here.- Mm-hmm.

Really, you mind if I take her for a spin before she goes up to the showroom? - You're the boss - 'S daughter.Mm-hmm.

That's what you want to say.Oh, okay.

So, no mirror when they're shipping, which makes sense.Also have, uh no handles.

Hey -- hey, Tim? Hey, Tim! Tim! Oh, God.

Karry's English



Yeah, hi, dad.

Hey, co-worker.Just seeing when you want to leave for the game.

- We're late already.- Soon, soon.I'm -- I'm just -- I'm finishing up a little paperwork in my office.

Okay.Let me know if you need any help.

No, I do not need your help.And as I believe I mentioned, I would appreciate it if you were not constantly

looking over my shoulder.Come on.Give me some credit.

That's the last thing I would do.Dad, you seem to forget that I raised three children, and I had a career before this.

I have done plenty of stuff that does not -- Oh! Do you hear that? Sounds like it's coming from the warehouse.Yeah, what even is that? Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Uh, one piece of advice -- take it or leave it.What? The latch is under the panel on the right.

I got you mustard and Sauerkraut, just what you like.You're being awfully nice, considering I started that whole closet-nado.

Well, you're still my daughter.It's okay I call you that here, right? Yeah.Listen, it's hard for me to treat you like everyone else.

You're the only one I carried home in my arms -- except Dontrell, last year's Christmas party.

I pretty much poured him through his sunroof.But I'll try.Thanks, dad.

You got plans this weekend? - No.Not really.

Why? - Good.Be at the warehouse, Wear something you don't care about.

Hey, guys.

Hi, honey.

What'd I miss? Nothing good.We're down by 6 with 3 minutes to play.

Well, they could still turn it around.Show's not over till the fat -- mama! Sensational punt by Miller, who hasn't kicked that high since he broke the gender barrier and joined our own modern dance

troupe.- Are you okay, honey? - Yeah! It's all about keeping an attitive positude.

Positude attitive.Hey, we should see a midnight movie tonight, like old times.

Oh, my God.I am so in! Cool.Cool.

I'll come by your house around 11:30 with the ladder? I don't need to climb out of my window anymore, Dylan.

Oh, ooh.Can we do it earlier? I have a midterm tomorrow.Oh, I can't do earlier.

I've got to meet up with some classmates from nursing school.You're gonna be a nurse? Yeah, I figured it was a natural next step.

I've always healed people with my music, and now I'm just doing the same thing with drugs.

Wow.Well, ye-- another time, then.- Yeah.

- Yeah.Hey, if everything goes well, maybe one day I'll see you in the hospital.

I'd like that.So, I finally get out of the closet, and there's dad looking down at me.Been there.

The whole daddy thing, though, it's really one of your bigger issues.At least my daddy issues are with my actual daddy.

I don't run around making every authority figure I meet into a father.Wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Karry's English



W-what's that supposed to mean? Mitchell, come on.

Why have you not quit your job yet? His girlfriend just broke up with him.Yeah, and what was your excuse last week? I had a cold.

And the week before? I felt a cold coming on.Mitchell, this fell out of your jacket.Care to explain? I was holding it for a friend.

You want to quit? Charlie, you're -- you're a great boss, but I ju-- I got this other offer, and I just really miss the courtroom.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, you're really letting me down.I just expected so much more out of you.

- Ohh.- You were my favorite.Ohh, God.

Um, well, maybe I-I could still do things on the weekends.No, no! Charlie, I'm -- I'm sorry.

I -- I'm done.You know what? I don't blame you.I have to get back on solid ground.

- We both do.- Well, I do more.

My house is a boat.You made me in trouble.

I didn't tell you to sit on a boy until he liked you.- Yes-huh.- Nuh-huh.

We're not doing this again.Home team calls time-out.

they're down by 6, and unable to shake the Miller curse.That's it! Okay, boys, final play.Time for a little trickery.

Oh, honey.What happened to you today? A cosmic pummeling.

I lost the deal.If I don't close on one tomorrow, it's gonna be my first month ever with no sale.

Actually, there is no 31st this month.

What are you talking about? Tomorrow's the first.

Honey, I'm sorry.Are you okay? No, I'm not okay! I just found out there is literally no tomorrow!

You know, I always say if you wait long enough, your luck will change? Turns out that's just a big pile of c-- Hold on to your hats, folks.Are they? They are! It's the triple gull-wing! That's my play! Woodson fakes right,

he fakes right again, he fakes faking right, and he scores! They scored on my play! - Mitchell says you can sell me a house.

- Yes, I can! - Good call, Phil.Was that your play?! - Yes, it was! You're being too rough, Lily.

You cannot just see a guy and, mwah!, kiss him like that, okay? Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Okay! Okay! Miller's out.Manny, you're my backup kicker.

I need you to go out there and nail this.Although if I miss it, wouldn't a tie be a perfect way to -- Manny, enough! You are

not gonna take away my victory! I mean -- I mean, your victory.Okay? Manny, I'm sorry.I should not have yelled at you.

You can go out there and do whatever feels right.Okay? I support you no matter what.

I won! I won! I mean, we won! We won! We won! Ooph! Sorry, ma'am.Ma'am? I sit next to you in English.

Hey, I think I dropped my phone under the bleachers.Come get it with me? Found it.Great, and world order is restored.

- Can we go home now? - Yeah.Okay.

Oh, hey, what's that? "Alex Dunphy dome?" Uh, I think it says "Alex Dunphy, do me." Ugh, who would write something like that? No idea.

Hey, you want me to scratch it out? No! I mean, pfft, too late now.If it's out there, it's out there.

Hey, champ.Aren't you gonna go celebrate with your team? Yeah, in a minute.

You meant to miss the kick, didn't you? I blew it.

Karry's English



I could miss that kick nine out of ten times.

Why couldn't I miss it when it counted? Let me ask you something.That ball sails through the uprights, your team carries you off the field.

How does that feel? - Come on.- Good.It's fun being part of a team.

And it's really fun being the hero.So I think you made that kick on purpose.

And listen.I don't think you're willing to admit it yet, but somewhere underneath all that

humanity, there's a competitor -- sorry.There's a competitor, and, Manny, there's nothing wrong with that.Nothing.

Thanks, coach.You want to go eat some pizza? - Sure.

- Me, too.Hey, you think someday they might name this field after you? Well, you're not the first person to think along those lines.

Earlier today, someone in the faculty bathroom was messing around with the phrase "Cameron Tucker dome.

" Just sold the most expensive house in town, sight unseen, all cash.- How 'bout that? - I'm proud of you, dad.

Pretty great day for all the Dunphys.And then I said, "Michelle, do you honestly believe every stupid rumor you hear?" Oh, you haven't heard? Well, apparently, one of my exes is just, like Tim, I -- I am

so sorry that you got hurt, and I will get to the bottom of it, but I suspect it was sabotage by the competition, maybe Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.

Not too bad, a little puffy, kind of like your eyes were when you saw "Finding Nemo," Miller.Like I said -- positive attitude.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x10 The Old Man & the Tree

Oh, God! It's a little early, isn't it? Go back to sleep.I don't need you awake for this.

Honey, it's Christmas Eve.Are you gonna spend all day on that thing? I made a promise.

Yes! Last Christmas, Phil got an elliptical machine and vowed to walk the equivalent of our house to Canada in one year.

This body doesn't just happen, ladies.If he didn't make it, no machine in the bedroom.Except for this machine in the bedroom, ladies.

Who are these ladies? Oh, Phil, give it up.Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Just when I'm so close to the Canadian

border, I can smell the bacon and the reasonably priced medications.Mom, this came for you from Nana.I don't know why she bothers to wrap it every year.

It's always the same thing -- slippers.You never know.

She might surprise you this year.Would you care to take a visit to the museum of maternal indifference? Watch it!

Oh, careful! You guys are really moving her downstairs right now? Aren't you gonna be late for work? They're not gonna fire an elf on Christmas Eve.Ugh, I thought this would be lighter without my shoes on it.

You know, once you set up your room, you could put books on this.Books on a shoe shelf.

Right.- You're not gonna jump on that? - I'm just too happy! After today, there'll be no more clothes thrown everywhere, no more hour-long phone calls where all she

says is "no way." I think it's a little sad that you guys are doing this today.

I remember when you used to get into the same bed on Christmas Eve and talk about all the presents you were gonna get.

It's a perfect day for it! When I wake up in my own room tomorrow, I'm going to be giving thanks for my independence.

And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Seriously? Nothing? This is your

great-grandmother's recipe.If she could see you now .

.she would die again, because you're doing it wrong! My mother has been here all week.

I love her very much, but you know what they say -- house guests start to stink after three days, like dead bodies.

What the hell is that? A fiber-optic tree.It's way better for the environment than a real one.

Not if the environment is my living room.Look, I admit, it takes some getting used to, but so did Greek yogurt.Now I can't even remember how the old stuff tastes.

Why do we keep changing things that don't need changing? Christmas is real trees and eggnog, Perry Como and Bing on the hi-fi.

Now you're just making up words.I'm drawing a line in the sand.We're gonna get a real tree, and we're gonna cut it down like I did when I was a

kid.Follow me.

Hi, dad.Can't talk.

Saving Christmas.Hi.Thank you again for coming.

No problem.I love babysitting! Good! We're going to run some quick errands.

Wait, if you're taking Joe -- Hola, Claire! Around 4:00, she gets fussy for her bottle.Lily, do you know why I'm able to relax and read this paper today? Because you don't have a job? FYI, I am starting a new job in exactly t-- No.

We're not doing this again.It's because I planned ahead.

I finished my Christmas shopping weeks ago.It's important to keep busy.

I-it is perfectly normal to take some downti-- No.

Karry's English



No! Okay.

I printed out the directions to Pepper's party.We're calling it "The 12 gays of Christmas" now.

Oh, just be thankful we talked him out of "Feliz navidude." Okay, honey, finish your breakfast so we can go help our fellow man! One hour at this charity event, max.

I can't eat.I'm too excited to get my Puppy Pound.

I'm -- I'm sorry.Your what? Puppy Pounds have six puppies with online profiles.

Ask your parents before using the Internet.Honey, you never mentioned a-a-a Puppy Pound.- What is she talking about? - I-it's not on your list.

Yes, it is."Puppy Pound.

" Oh, no! She put a "p" backwards.And, honey, there's a "u" in "pound." - This says "guppy pond"! - Guppy pond! What is a guppy pond? It's only the --

the coolest gift ever! I want a Puppy Pound.Um, honey, it's c-- Okay.

I am not pointing fingers, but our daughter had exactly one thing on her list, and someone didn't get it, so someone needs to go to the mall.

You're pointing fingers.No.It's still a "1.

" It just fell asleep on the job.Ellipticaler's log, 12/24.

Spirits -- high.Stamina -- strong.Must get another application of thigh lube.

Oh, good.Luke.

Dad, I was with you on the tightrope.I was your wing man in the wing-eating competition.

But I'm not feeling this one.

You're missing Christmas Eve.

There's something more important than Christmas, son -- pride.If I don't make it to Canada, your mom wins, and this baby ends up in the garage

first thing in the morning.Our garage? I'm in charge of the recycling.I'm supposed to bring it from the garage to the curb by 6:00 A.

M.thursday morning.

I may have missed a few weeks.Shoot! Maybe more than a few weeks.

After a while, the pile just got so big, I couldn't bring it out the night before or people would ask questions.I don't need people asking questions.

Then you're right! You've got to finish! You'll never use this thing in the garage! It's too drafty! That's why I'm going to Canada, buddy -- to avoid the draft! No.

Bang.I know we've been hiking for an hour, but Worth it when you look at this beauty, huh? That's why you don't cut down the first tree you see.

This is literally the first tree we saw.There's our car.

No, we started that way.So, you're arguing that we walked entirely around the earth? Give me the ax.

Don't give me that look.Trees are like women.The best ones make you work a little bit harder.

She's just not that into you.- I know! - Sorry it too long! Oh, it's fine.

Claire and I were having a nice time catching up.I am really sorry that I am late.No, you're not.

No, I'm not.Mm-hmm.

It's fine.Just hope I didn't talk Pilar's ear off! No! I love hearing about your family and your

big, new job! Oh, well, it's -- it's not such a big job.

Karry's English



I mean, I'm really just working for my dad.

But you're working hard.I'm proud of you.

- How do they look? - Ooh! Perfect! - Yes.- You are a wonderful student.Thank you.

My grandmother taught my mother.My mother taught me.

And now, I teach Claire.And don't be so modest.

I respect a woman who can raise a family and have a full-time job.Can you believe that on Fridays, they don't even have to dress up? Taste.Taste.

Taste.Sometimes, they even wear sweatpants.

Would you like to lick the batter? Yes! Oh, yes! - Me, too! - No, no, no! Helpers only.I don't make the rules.

Oh, Lily, what a beautiful ornament! That's gonna make a little kid very happy.Wait.

I don't get to keep this? Why am I killing myself? Okay, kids! We've got a visitor from the north pole, and he brought presents! Hey! Hey.

How's it going? There are no Puppy Pounds anywhere.It's like trying to find a Cabbage Patch Kid on Christmas Eve 1983.Still hurts, huh? I had her bed all made.

Okay.Well, Lily is gonna be devastated.

Call around.Get us on some lists.You have to do something! I'll figure it out.

How's the fundraiser? Oh, well, I'm managing, you know.Oh, bring the checkbook.

You can always tell when they're gearing up for the big ask -- fill you full of freebies.

Oh, hey, I gotta go.

Got to help somebody.

Hi! Classic.Flawlessly executed.

If I had one Just trying to bring a smile to you folks.- You're gonna get through this.- Get through what? Don't be embarrassed.

Everyone here is in the same boat.We are? Best thing about the hot chocolate -- they let us keep the mug.

I thought it was a charity event for the needy.Turns out, it was a charity event for the needy! Look! Santa gave me a Puppy

Pound! What? No.I'm finally happy! I'd like a picture for the newsletter.- Oh.

- You can show your mommy.I don't have a mommy.

This is why I do this.That cramp could be a heart attack.Here's some advice I've been holding back on.

Always shave with the grain.No reputable talent agent will ever ask for money up-front.

Dad, you're fine.I really want to quit, Luke! No, you're gonna make it! He was never gonna make it.

I just needed to buy some time.That's a lot of product you're moving.Just bring it to a recycling place.

Not until I get paid.Just so you know, this is six weeks' allowance.

Oh, you have the coolest parents ever.I want to know when you're about to leave, so give me a honk.- Honk! - From your car.

The best business card is a firm handshake.The best pick-up line is a tight pair of Dockers.

The best Dockers are -- Dad, save your breath! You're in the last five miles.- I'm never gonna make it! - Of course you are! Then again, do what you want.

I got stuff to do.

Karry's English



- I'm gonna quit.

- Cool.What's one more failure? You ever wonder why we take such a crazy route to

school? So I don't have to drive by certain places -- the flute teacher's house I went to once The French cooking academy I quit after learning only two of the five mother sauces The hot yoga studio I left after "happy baby.

" I guess there's no avoiding this big failure sitting in my garage.Get up.

I appreciate it, buddy, but -- Get up.I don't know anything about flutes or cooking or happy babies But I'm damn sure

getting my dad to Canada.Now, mount that beast.Thank you, son.

You can thank me after you cross the finish line and the celebration begins.Just picture that.

I'm picturing it! I'm picturing it! I'm really picturing it! Thanks, Santa.Yeah.You got it.

Don't forget a candy cane from Mrs.Claus! Oh! I got to take a break.

- What? - What? What? Um It's okay! Does anybody want to take a picture with me? - I'll do it.

- Oh, maybe just the kids.- What was that? - What was what? Santa doesn't take breaks.He visits the North Pole! And why do you leave your things all over? Who do you

think cleans this place up? Oh, you are such a nag! Can't we at least act like a happy couple during the holidays? For the children! Another hot chocolate? How

many more of those are you going to drink? At least it's warm, unlike you! He travels a lot.She's put on cookie weight.

It's hard.Yes, you can put me on the "last-minute shoppers" waiting list.

- Unbelievable.- Oh! Well, there he is! H-hey, Jotham! Oh, looks like someone did a little

last-minute Christmas shopping.

That Zaniel's a lucky guy.

Yes, he is.But these are for Pepper's party.

His invitation said, "no gifts, please." Mm, say that again As Pepper.No gifts? Please.

and I have to find a dozen perfect presents for the world's snarkiest, cattiest men My dear, dear friends.

Pull! Pull! Pull! Yeah.Hey, take a break.

- This is taking forever.- It's supposed to.Took my dad and I all day to get a tree.

And when he finally brought her down, he used to celebrate with a cigar.I was just a kid, so I'd have a cigarette.

All right.Grab the other end.There we go.

Now we got a groove.Yeah.

There we -- It won't budge! The hell is this wood made of? They ought to make saws out of it! Let's face it.

The tree's beaten us.Hey, we're Pritchetts.We don't quit.

Besides, all my tools are stuck in it.I got it.

It's simple physics.A little pressure, the thing will snap where we put the blade in.- Done.

- Just hit the gas.It's working.

That's why they call it Yankee engine-- Get down! It's bald on one side now! It'll be fine! We'll just comb over some branches! Oh, Claire, I thought that you had

left.

Karry's English



She was going to, but I wanted to show her how much better she looks without

this hair blocking her pretty face.She does have beautiful hair, though.

I see.What did she say? That you picked a good color At least, I think that's what she said with that American accent.

You don't have to entertain her.After all, she's my mother.

Ah, these used to be Glorita's favorite! She used to do headstands to get extra cookies.

At least, she'd try.Yeah, but it's not easy! I mean, it's hard enough to keep all this right-side up! Imagine when I had to put it all right-side down! - It was - Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe I can still do it! Look at that.- Oh, wow.

- Look at Claire, Gloria! Very good! Two cookies for you! Thank you! Uh, yeah, but she needs a pedicure.Look at that.

You knocked me down! - I did not.- Yes, you did, too! Girls! Girls! Girls! No need to fight.

I don't have a favorite.Why the hell not?! I am very disappointed in both of you.

Family members should treat each other with love and respect.Except that Claire is not part of our family.- Cierra la boca! - No.

No, no.She's right-- unless that's what you just said.

I can't tell, 'cause I-I only took French, and je parle un peu.Oh, you have a beautiful accent.Really? Do you think so? - Ay-ya! Por favor? - I'm sorry.

I I-I'm jealous.Ay, Claire.

But you're beautiful, too, in your own way.No.

I'm not jealous of you.

I am jealous of how your mother comes all the way to see you from Colombia,

when my own mother won't even get on a bus from the almond co-op she lives on three hours away.

She sends presents, no? Yeah.It's the same thing every year.It's always slippers.

I am sorry.Thank you.

But I shouldn't take it out on you just 'cause I have a lousy mom.Don't disrespect your mother! - Is she always like this? - Yes.

Did you-- did you ever think maybe there's a reason she sends you that gift? Yeah, 'cause she found something when I was 8 years old that I actually liked, and she hasn't thought about it since.

Well, maybe she thinks about it a lot.Maybe she remembers a time when she made you happy, and she wants to go

back there.Well, now I feel terrible.The only thing I sent her was an e-card.

We don't like to admit it but mothers never get over the day their daughters leave them.

We never stop needing our little girls.I will never stop needing you, mama.

Excuse me.Excuse me.Excuse me, elf, it's been 45 minutes.

Where's Santa? I don't know! Maybe he's a little busy making presents for every child in the world.

One second! Where is he? He said he was going out for a pack of candy canes.You mean like those? Okay.Wake up! He is not coming back! We need to change into our regular clothes and

sneak out.Who am I kidding? My eyes are unforgettable.

I couldn't even hold on to a fake husband.I always thought you were the tough one to live with, but maybe I am.

Okay, they've breached the jelly bean moat.

Karry's English



This is a problem.

It's a big problem.All this time, I've been waiting for a guy to see the true me, and now I'm scared

he will.Oh, my God! They've got blitzen! What's going to happen to me? Am I just going to nitpick everyone until they leave me? - Hey, mom found somebody! - That's

true.Okay, listen.

We really need to get out of here.But I just want to let you know that you weren't all bad to live with.

I thought-- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where's Santa?! Only 100 more yards.You're just about there! Can you see it? It's so beautiful.It's so green.

And, wow, those are high up there.The mountains? No, my shorts again.

Would you mind giving them one last tug? You're crossing the border.Yeah, I know, and I feel bad asking, but I'm tasting cotton.No! You did it! You're in Canada! Wait.

What? I did it? I did it! I did it! I did it! Let's go tell mom! Wait.How did I used to walk? All right.

Come on, sweetie.Let's go.

Uh, we're serving Christmas dinner.Uh, no.That's fine.

We have to actually get going, so But I haven't eaten today.Oh, you poor thing! No, she's fine.

She's fine.Oh, there he is.Honey, where did you get this coat? Sorry, kids.

It looks like we've run out of coats and toys.That's okay, mom.

At least I got to see presents.Okay.

Come on.

Let's go.

Hey! How are my do-gooders? Did you have fun? Yep.Talk about it in the car.

Oh, my gosh.What are these? Yeah, I went a little crazy, huh? No! No, no! It's a Christmas miracle! Kids! Kids! Who wants presents? Cam, what are you doing? No, trust me.

Lily has enough.- Cam, Cam.

- Everybody, merry Christmas! Oh! Not that one.Feliz navidad! Okay, but those aren't for Lily.

"His-and-his shower clogs?" They're for Pepper's party.He said, "no gifts, please." Imagine how Pepper would say that.

What's a Himalayan salt plate? You can season your food while you serve it.Body-fat scale? I wish I would've had one of those when I was your age.

- You're welcome.- Who's Robert Mapplethorp? Actually, I'm gonna need that one back.Sorry.

That's okay.All I really wanted this year was a Puppy Pound.

Here.You can have mine.

It's really fun.Oh, my gosh.That's the sweetest thing I've ever seen! Lily, honey, that was so nice! It's okay.

I'll get one tomorrow.Um, well, you know what? About that -- Cam? Cam? Uh, that was a t-o-y s-t-o-r-e.

- What? - Someone returned their Puppy Pound.W-we can't get over there in time before the store closes! Wait, you know who lives right over there? Oh, no.

No! Almost there.No.

No! Why?! Why-y-y-y-y?! In hindsight, the cigar was a mistake.So, what do we do now? We go home.

I thought Pritchetts never give up.

Karry's English



They know when to give up, which is its own kind of victory.

- Unless - What? No it's crazy.Unless Are you really gonna make me ask you again? We somehow apply pressure

to the axhead already in the tree.I bet we can use the jack from the car.- Of course.

The upward motion will split the trunk.- Yeah.

We can always tell people that's how we did it.That is how we did it.

People love getting new things But the best stuff has a story behind it.Damn fine tree.Except the saw's still stuck in the truck.

Yeah, you're gonna want to keep your brother away from that, huh? A lot of times, it's only after we get rid of something Room for me? That we realize how much

we miss it.Oh! Nice! Good job, Luke! Yay! A Puppy Pound! And things that seem worthless suddenly turn out to be super valuable Okay, everybody, picture in front of the

tree.Timer's set.

Ready? What? No! Maybe even precious which is why I thought getting rid of this stuff would be a huge mistake.

Ah.Nice try.You still owe us six weeks' allowance.

And the fireworks.How could you screw this up? What? I'll see you in Vancouver, eh? No.

Luke, do the accent again? Oh, are you on that machine? Yes, Juliana, but unlike your husband, I'll be finished before you know it.You know what? It's actually easier this way! Wonder if you could patent a

movement? Call it "fliptical" -- Dad, trick or treaters! We're out of candy! Who is this dad? I'm Gandalf.

Who's on?

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x11 And One to Grow On

Hey, honey.Oh, you're just in time for breakfast.

Ooh, we should probably go light on the food.Something tells me we're not gonna want to do this on a full stomach.

I can't believe there's such a thing as autopsy camp.There is no such thing as autopsy camp.

I had to trick Luke 'cause I'm actually taking him to a ballroom-dance class.He's been resisting, but it's in his blood.I come from a long line of dancing Dunphys -- a kick line, actually.

Come on, we don't want to be late, like the guy we're gonna see on the table.Am I right? Of corpse you are.

Hey, mom, can you take me driving? My test is coming up, and I really need to practice.Oh, honey, I would, but I've got a big closets and blinds union meeting today.

There is no closets and blinds union.Driving with Alex is torture.

She drives so slowly.I have to be the only parent who slams on the imaginary gas.

Hey, I'm not doing anything.I guess I could take her.Great! I'll go check the tire pressure and the fluid levels! Fun! Can't wait! Be out in

a sec! Okay, my rate just went up.All right, but this buys your time and your silence.

Alex can never know how much I hate driving with her.Mm, she's in a hurry today.Oh, that's just step one of her nine-point safety test.

Step two is checking the horn to make sure checking the horn didn't break the horn.

She should never drive.Forget it! You tricked me! I'm sorry, buddy, but no son of mine's going to High

School without at least knowing how to do a proper box step.Trust me, dancers always get the girls.

Remember the great Kevin Bacon from "Footloose"? More like "Footloser.

" Careful! All right, no more talking.We're doing this.

You'll thank me someday.It gets better when you find your signature move! They used to call me "king of the dips"! Why can't we just repurpose some of the stuff from Manny's party last

night? We got half a cake left.The balloons are fine.

It's bad enough that both my sons have to share the same birthday.At least they deserve their own party.

You think Joe's gonna mind day-old cake? He can't even eat it.He's got three teeth.I'll remember that in 20 years when you want cake.

He doesn't even know the party's for him.He understands more than you think.

Right, Andy? Who, F-Jo here? He is smart as a whip.When we play peek-a-boo, half the time he's ahead of me.Not exactly "Clash of the titans.

" Manny, whose coat is that? Amy Martin left it here last night after my party.I was getting some pretty strong signals from her.

I think she did it on purpose so she'd have an excuse to come back.Or because she couldn't get out fast enough.

If she was a cartoon, she'd have left her skin here.What does that mean? That Amy is out of his league.He always does this and ends up getting hurt.

- You need to talk to him.- And say what? Tell him to go for girls he stands a chance with.

I overheard him talking to Reuben.There's some girl that really likes him, but of course Manny's not interested in her.He's got to go for the head cheerleader.

How do you know that Amy's the head cheerleader? I overheard that, too.For someone whose favorite words at the movies are, "what did he say?" you

overhear pretty good.Yes, Lily, I-I pinky-promise that we'll be home in time for baby Joe's party.

Mm-hmm.

Karry's English



I am.

I'm touching to the phone.Yeah, and butterfly kisses.

Okay, okay.Little girls -- so excitable.I was wishing they had a gazebo, and then they did! Ever since I was a little boy, I

have dreamed -- dreamed of getting married in a place exactly like this.So, what date were you looking at? March 28th.

That's the anniversary of our first date.Oh, wait, um, I'm sorry.

Is this price per person? Yes, excluding alcohol, cake, and music.What's that -- the mennonite package? I think you'll find our prices are competitive.

Well, I'm ready to commit.Cam, Cam.

I'm sorry.Can -- can we have a moment, please? Okay, well, let's hope he's not having any last-minute jitters.

You're not having last-minute jitters, are you? No, no, but it's a really large deposit, and I want to make sure that we're absolutely certain about this place.

Well, I'm certain, and we've looked at every possible venue.And Pepper was by far the least snarky about this one.

That's true.He doesn't throw the word "adequate" around lightly.- Okay, okay, it's this place.

- Okay.But stop being so excited, all right? We might be able to get the price down a

little bit.Okay, okay, poker face, poker face.- Yeah, now work on your poker voice.

- Poker voice.So, we do like it.

We're just not sure that we love it.Yeah, we're not sure we love it.

Oh, that's a relief because someone just called.

- The room is booked.

- What?! No, no, no! Okay, wait, are you playing hardball? Because we're playing hardball, too! We love it! Oh, s-sorry.

A young lady planning a sweet 16 just booked your date.After that, we don't have another opening for - Two months.- No.

No, it has to be on our anniversary.Wait, did Tracy McCoy book this room? Tracy McCoy's a student of mine.

Okay, I may have a plan.I am not having a wedding/"hunger games"-themed sweet 16 par-- oh, you're

tapping your fingers.You really do have a plan.Well, somebody smells good.

What perfume is that? Every perfume! geekiest girls God ever fouled this planet with and just me dancing with all of them! During the Charleston, my hair got

caught in one of their headgear! Wow, Charleston on the first day? Last day! Just because you're a dancer doesn't mean I have to be one, too, cha cha cha.Damn it! I'm never gonna fall for one of your lies again.

Just take me to autopsy camp.Oh, shoot.

Am I gonna get a ticket? If there's any justice, it'll be a big one, too, three, and four.

Damn it! License and registration, please.Absolutely.There you are.

You know one of your taillights is out? No, I did not.What a ding-dong! Wait right here.

Will do.We'll be right here.This is what you get for lying to me.

What choice did I have? You used to be up for anything.Now, no matter what I suggest, it's no, no, no.

It's called growing up and having your own interests, like the minister's daughter in your precious "Footloose.

" Wow, using my own movie against me.

Karry's English



Let's hear it for the boy.

Please step out of the car.Oh, I believe you about the taillight.

- Out of the car! - Okay.I'm sorry, but I have to place you under arrest.Wait, what?! A car registered to you has accumulated All on campus drive.

Oh, my God, those are my daughter's tickets! He's got an answer for everything.I got to take you down to the station house.

You can ride up front with me.Seriously, can't I just pay you for them now?! At the station house, sir.

Can we at least not drive by Middle Earth comics and Trampoline World?! People look up to me in this town! No, honey, Luke's fine.And they won't take a credit card? No, it's $1,600, cash only.

But, honey, it's Sunday.I can only get a few hundred bucks from the atm.

Sir, your time's up.Honey, just use the emergency cash, okay? - Tick-tock.- Uh, b-but, Phil -- - Got to go! - No, honey -- I forgot the hiding place! Phil? Phil

has $1,000 hidden in the house, and he's made up a crazy mnemonic device to remember the location, which he changes every month to stay ahead of the bad

guys.What bad guys? "Loot" rhymes with "coot," which takes us to This picture of your

grandfather."Moola" sounds like "coola." Not a word.

Money is in the air-conditioning vent.This will all be over soon, buddy.

Just give me one last smile! You too.Mom's already on her way with the money, okay? Don't worry! Oh, my God, I don't want to go in there! You're going in here.

I don't want to go in here! Okay.This is where Sophie works.

She's the one in the hat.- Copy that.

- Tracy works upstairs.

We'll meet in the food court in 30 minutes.

Sound like a plan? A plan, not sure if it's a finger-drumming plan.Get in there.

Two of my students, Tracy and Sophie, BFFs, were planning on having a joint sweet 16 together until they got in a fight over a boy, Rodney.Now Tracy is planning on having her own party at the Carriage House.

Our venue, our date.So, our solution -- talk to them, patch things up so that they have their party

together again at the original location.Friends fighting over a boy -- something we know a thing or two about.

Of course, usually it's gay men, not teenage girls, so we will have to adjust our approach just a -- not at all.I don't know.

Uh, may I help you? Mm, yeah, uh, Sophie.Um, I'm looking for something for my niece.

She's been really bummed out lately -- fight with her best friend -- so I'm just -- I'm trying to cheer her up.That's so nice.

Yeah, she's always saying to me, "Uncle Mitch, you're so cool."You're so rad.

I'm so glad I talk to you about my problems." You know, I just -- I really get kids that age.

You know, she's -- she's almost 16, so I'm almost 16.Crazy.Tracy? Tracy McCoy? Mr.

Tucker, hi.I didn't know you were old enough to have a job.

I didn't have a job until I was 16.Well, I'm almost 16, so Crazy! Oh, my gosh, I remember back then.My friends and I had so much fun, well, when we weren't arguing about silly

things like parties and Okay, that's a lot of mirror looking, and that's me saying that.

Good, good.Nice cruising speed.

Oh, look, there's that jogger.

Karry's English



Now we're in the lead.

Can we put the brakes on the sarcasm? They're worn out.Hey, mom.

Haley, listen to me.You did not pay a bunch of parking tickets, and now your father is in jail.And I have to go bail him out just as soon as I can get my hands on a giant pile

of cash.Cash -- ash! Oh! Oh, God.

Oh! That was furry! You are in so much trouble.Oh, don't you think I know that?! What am I gonna do?! You're going to get what

you deserve.A parking violation is second only to a moving violation, which is grounds for the loss of a driving privilege.

Privilege, not a right.Oh, my God, shut up! This is why mom pays me to drive with you! What? Where

do you think she's calling me from -- the closet and blinds union? Why would closet workers and blind people even have a union together?! Think! Excuse me, waiter.

Could you please tell me about the surf and turf? Mr.Lobster says "It's terrible!" While Mr.

Cow goes I think you should probably just have the pasta." Dada.

No, no, no, little man.That's your dada right there with the drinky.Over-explaining.

Don't feel bad.He's just making sounds.

He may not even know what the "d" word means.I'm fine.He's 1.

I've watched him pee into his own face and smile.Hola, mi amor.

I wanted to talk to you.What are you doing? I decided to top Amy's little "forgotten coat" trick with a

romantic gesture of my own.

You see -- Yes, about Amy I know that I don't know her, but she seems like some

of those girls that you have liked, but they haven't always -- You may not know her, but I do.

I went on her Facebook page, and I put one of her favorite things in each of the pockets of her coat.So when she reaches inside -- She'll find a small box of Dutch chocolates.

Sweet, but -- Raspberry rhapsody lip gloss, anyone? My favorite, but I still wonder -- Hello, heavenly soak bath salts.

What next will she find?! Only a Lily of the valley scented candle.I love it! Oh, I wish she had more pockets! "Bucks" rhymes with "nyuks" -- Three

stooges.Damn it! "Wampum," "pom-pom" -- cheerleading costume.Come on.

Oh, my God, really? "Bank," "sank" -- novelization of the movie "Titanic." Then why do we keep that thing?! Oh, Phil, of course! Of course, because

"dough" rhymes with -- I don't care.I don't care.Hi, buddy.

Who am I? Who am I? Come on.He's your dad.

That's right.He's your dad.

- Hi, dad.- Hi, dad.You can do it.

Come on, say, "dad." Come on.

Come on! Andy! Hey.How'd it go with Sophie? I did my best, but I don't think she's ready to forgive.Oh, damn it.

I know.We're screwed.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Sophie.Well, Tracy really was out of line.

- Was she? - Yeah.

Karry's English



Or was Sophie, per usual, being a big drama queen? Drama queen? No, Tracy was

spreading rumors that Sophie's boyfriend was still into Maya.They weren't rumors.

She heard it directly from someone who saw Maya and Rodney holding hands at the pier.Cam, who? Dana! Yeah, like she can be trusted.

This is Aidan all over again.Mitchell, it's from Tracy.

"Mr.Tucker, thank you.

"Talked to Sophie.Party's back on." Are you kidding me? Oh, my gosh, you're an evil genius! You are! You know

what? I give Tracy a lot of credit for admitting she was wrong.I do.

Yeah, even though it was Sophie's fault.- No! - Hmm? What? They're still using our venue! No! Are you kidding me?! - This is so frustrating! - Really? Are you sure that's how you feel, or do you need a

little more time to think about it? Sounds like you're trying to make a point there.Wow, I'm surprised you picked up on that so quick.

Yeah, you're definitely dancing around something.I feel like it's speed-related.

Yeah, we lost the Carriage House because you, true to form, couldn't make a timely decision.We were out of the room for two second-- What is this "True to form" business?

Oh, my God, are you kidding me? You hemmed and hawed over our dream house, and now somebody else is eating breakfast in our nook! I needed the

weekend! I never saw myself in a ranch! And what about Las Vegas when you couldn't quite commit to the show? - No.No, no, don't.

- No, no, no, it's fine.We'll see them next time, just as soon as that tiger un-eats Roy.

I love the sign! Uh, I'm not sure.First, I thought just a little accent of color was all it needed, but now I'm thinking

balloons.

Jay, what do you like better -- the accent or the balloons? I've been asking myself

that since I met you.Can I just say, I want this type of playful banter in my relationship.

Long as you say it someplace else.Good one.What are you doing? They're gonna be here any moment.

I've been combing through Manny's yearbook.I found a few girls he might have a shot with.

Happen to know what Lisa Nagel's like from the neck down? I didn't tell him what you told me to say.

What? Why? Because he told me what he's going to do when Amy comes here, and it's beautiful.I think he has a better chance than you think.

He knows how to talk to girls.He knows how to talk to a girl -- you.

I hope you have a recent picture of his heart.You're gonna need it putting the pieces back together.I'll get it! - Hey, mandrake.

- Oh.Hi, Phil.

I heard about jail.- How are you doing? - It was rough.

Stayed in that cold cell a lot longer than I needed to thanks to my lovely -- Your system is ridiculous, Phil.Quite simple, actually! "Cheddah" rhymes with "hedda.

" Where do you rest your head on? Your pilla! - Help me out, buddy.- I have no buddy.

But Luke? I'll get it! Would you please just let it go? I did let it go immediately.You're the one who hesitated, like you do with everything.The whole way here.

Dad, before you get mad, I'm -- Oh, we passed "before I get mad" hours ago when I was sitting in solitary for your crime! It was only solitary because no one

else was in there.You paid Haley to take me driving? - Uh -- - That's right.

Karry's English



Haley told me everything! You made up a fake union just so you wouldn't have to

be with me?! Alex, I am so sorry.Haley, I trusted you.

Good luck trusting anyone in this family, especially dad.Usually when I drag you kicking and screaming to something, you thank me afterwards.

This time, I was wrong.What did he do? He lied me into a dance class.

Luke, I am so sorry.Haley, you are in so much trouble! So much trouble! Stop trying to make this her

fault! What kind of parents lie to their kids?! Yeah, what kind of lesson is that to teach all of this? Yeah, seriously, sometimes I want -- Hey, neither one of you knows the whole story.

Ah, please.Let me tell them the truth.

Alex, the real reason mom doesn't want to teach you to drive is because she doesn't want you getting your license.- What? - Think about it.

Mom driving you around is kind of her favorite time with you.It's the only place where your nose isn't buried in a book and she can actually talk

to you.Sure, you're getting your license, but she's losing her little girl.

Mom, is that true? Come here.And the only reason dad lied to you is Should I tell him, dad? Fine.Dad was a huge nerd in college.

He asked mom out like 10 times, and she always said no.Finally, he said, "I'll never bug you again - if you do one thing.

" - Just one.- "Dance with me." - Just dance.

He spun her around on the floor and expressed himself with his body - in a way he never could with words.

- That's beautiful.Mom finally saw the dad that we all know and love.

And you wanted to give that to me? Come here.

Everybody, come for cake! We can discuss my punishment later.

Yeah.Did she learn that from us? That can't be taught.

It is a gift.Yeah, she's still doing it, following me around all moony-eyed.She just won't get the message.

But on the bright side, Amy's on her way over.We need to talk.

Got to go, Reuben.- What's up? - It's about your love life.

A lot of people here, Jay.Consider it an intervention.Now, this whole Amy thing is going nowhere, but it sounds like you have a girl

that really likes you.Now, I know it's not everything you want.

M-maybe she's a little thick in the middle.I don't know.But why don't you give her a try? So you think that's the girl I should go for?

She's obviously crazy about you.I mean, what else do you even know about her? Hi, Manny.

Well, she's 6 and related to me.Shall I go on? Okay, that explains all the outfits she rejected this morning.

The point remains.You could lower your sights a little.Good, we're still talking about this.

Ay, leave him alone.When Amy comes, she's going to love her coat surprise.

Who's Amy? This girl Jay doesn't think is into me, but she left her coat here.Why else would a person do that? By that logic, I love Denny's.Even if she's not into me right away, isn't it possible she could fall for me over

time? No, there's a thing called chemistry.People know right away.

Not necessarily.I didn't know immediately that I liked you.

Well, maybe not the first minute.

Karry's English



One month.

A month? Yikes.I'm with Manny.

Some people can trust their instincts and leap in with both feet.Others need to take their time.Okay, what Cam is so subtly implying is that he knew instantly with me while I, as

usual, took my sweet time.Well, guess what.

I knew instantly with you.How about that? - Actually, I didn't.

- Okay, well, yes, if you count that one disastrous brunch, then -- - Two months.- Two months?! - Mm-hmm.- Yikes! Well, I'm in the Jay camp.

When you meet the right person, bang! That's what happened with -- How long? Uh six months? Six months -- Yikes.

But you were preg-- tically engaged to me by then.Mm, nice save, dad.Wait a minute.

I thought you fell in love with him after he danced with you.And that was six months in.

Why did it take you so long to dance with me, Phil? I don't know, Claire.You'd think I would've gotten to it by then - since we lived together.

- I'm sorry.I've been berating you about dragging your feet, and -- and when it comes to us, I'm even more hesitate-y than -- No, no, this is great because that makes our real

anniversary two months later when we were both sure.We can still book the Carriage House for our wedding.

Oh, my gosh, are you calling them? - Yes! - Yes! Although, I-I am -- - Call them.- Okay.So, you were living with this guy the whole time - Jay! - Aww, how cute! He wants

cake! No, no, listen, listen, listen! What's he saying? - Jay.- Jay! He's saying, "Jay"! He knows me! And that "J" word, that's harder to say than

"dada"! He's a genius.Come here.

She's here! This is it, Manny! Go get her, buddy! Hey, hey, hey, listen, kid.

Y-you might've been right about some people needing a little more time before

they come around.I mean, look at peanut here.

Good luck, Manny.Thanks, Jay.So, it took you six months, huh, Phil? I can do six months.

I'll be here! - I'm not loving this.- Mnh-mnh.

His door is still closed.What is he doing in there? I think we both know what he's doing in there.

He's been at it for hours.That's how I was at his age.He's gonna wear himself out.

You should talk to him.I don't want to embarrass him.

- So, knock first.- Maybe you're right.I don't want him doing it wrong and getting hurt.

Luke? I'm coming in.Hey, man.

Buddy! Dad?! Get out of here! Don't be embarrassed, son.It's perfectly natural! Get out!

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x12 Under Pressure

Okay, everybody.Cake time! Thank God.

I really have to study.Oh, sweetheart, can't you just take a minute to enjoy it? It's your birthday.

You put too much pressure on yourself.I remember my sweet 16.

I wanted a theme party."Moonstruck" had just come out, but I hadn't, so -- no stories, no time -- S.A.

T.s.

Here we go, everybody.Ha Wait, wait.We all know why we're here.

- Ay, honey, you missed one -- - I know! - I know I missed one! I'm not an idiot! - Whoa.

There! Happy?! - Whoa.You're being a little -- - Obstreperous?! Recalcitrant?! Truculent?! I was gonna say

"cray-cray." - Alex, sweet-- - I really need to focus! There is a 16-year-old science prodigy studying cancer research at Johns Hopkins! I'm eating cake! - Hey.

- No, no, no.Cake! Cake! Cake! Alex might be a little bit fragile after last night, so let's try to be

sensitive.Oh, believe me -- I am going to be nothing but nice to Alex from now on.If she snaps and goes on a rampage, who do you think she's coming for first?

She's not going on a rampage.I bet she'd let me live.

She likes me.I'm just gonna say it -- I never trusted her.

Oh, everybody just be normal.We're gonna treat her exactly the way we usually do.

- And there she is! - Hey-oh! - Hi, pretty girl.

- How'd you sleep? - Fine.- Your hair looks super-soft, Al.

And is that a great new sweater? Love! Dad, can you hand me the butter knife? No! Haley, Luke, upstairs, please.Thank you.

Thanks.So, about my meltdown.

Who? What meltdown? I want to see a therapist.I did some research.

Dr.Gregory Clark -- highly recommended, specializes in teenagers, and is covered by our insurance.

I booked a double session with him today.And since you guys have the open house, I will be taking the bus.

- Okay.- That sounds good.She's like a self-cleaning oven.

- Hey! - Hey.Check it out.

I'm rockin' the old school for the open house today.I'm gonna put the "fizz" back in "phys ed.

" I love it -- all of it.- Really? - Yeah.Because I want to make a good impression today.

I want to be the teacher all the parents are talking about.Well, that explains the socks.

- What? - Huh? There's a caste system at school -- academic teachers at the top, gym teachers at the bottom.It's offensive and disrespectful.

They treat us like we're lunch ladies.Hey, there, neighbor.

Oh, hey.- It's Asher, right? - Yeah.

Karry's English



Um, I just wanted to let you know -- I think there might be something - wrong

with your air conditioner.- Oh, really? Yeah, I mean, it just seems to be running a lot, even when it's, uh,

kind of cool outside.Oh.No, no.

Um, my partner runs a little hot.Not as hot as our planet.

Sorry.I don't mean to be that guy.

It's just, um, we're all in this together.Yeah, I drive a Prius, so And that's a nice little gesture.My car runs on reclaimed cooking oil.

I have some literature, if you want it.That's okay.

Save the paper.I haven't printed anything since 2004.- I was gonna e-mail you.

- On your power-hungry computer? My entire house is solar-powered.I sell energy back to the grid and use that money to save polar bears.

I'm an environmental lawyer, so, you know, I'm pretty green.Mm.

So is your lawn.I went drought-tolerant -- succulents, indigenous plants, rock garden.My other daddy says your yard looks like a litter box.

She's a cute kid.I remember when she was in disposable diapers.

Are you ready? Yeah.Why do you look like that when I look like this? My friends say it's because of your money.

No, I'm just saying why is she all dressed up for a school open house? I want to impress Manny's history teacher.

I want Manny to go to Washington, D.C.

Yeah, junior congress.

Only one kid in the whole grade gets picked to go.

I think I can make a difference.Regular congress can't even make a difference.

Don't worry, Manny.I have it covered.You just go and enjoy your date.

I have a date.It's no big deal.

D-don't make a whole thing about it.What did I do with my car keys? I mean, we're just friends now, but I have a good

feeling.- I know -- don't get ahead of myself.- Every time I put them down.

- What is her name? - Either Zoe or Piper.How can you be going on a date and you don't know her name? - This is where it

gets interesting.- I seriously doubt that.A few days ago, we almost let a girl come between us.

- Who is she? - The new girl.- She's pretty.

- Super-pretty.Dibs.

What?! N-no.You can't call dibs.She's a human being with feelings, not the front seat.

Then a miracle happened.Twins -- each as pretty as the other.

It's funny -- Luke and I don't usually go for the same kind of girl.Yeah.I like to describe my type as "gettable.

" What are you doing, Tucker? Oh, hey, Principal Brown.Do you know how other teachers drone on and on to parents with their boring

lectures? Well, I thought I would go another way.Oh.

Well, I don't like the sound of that at all.

Karry's English



I think you will.

I'm gonna spice things up with a spirited game of dodgeball.Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.- Okay, before you say "no" - I already said "no." - let me show you my whole bit.

- Uh-huh.Howdy, folks.

My name's Tucker.I'm the sheriff of Dodge Ball.

- Oh.- "Laugh, laugh, laugh." - And then -- - No.

No "then." No.

Have you seen the shape some of these folks are in? We don't need a parent dropping dead in here.Look, this is the "Dolphin den.

" I am not renaming it the Harvey K.Mandelbaum memorial gym.

But I was gonna divide everybody up into the Hatfield and McCoys.Just no dodgeball.

Hello, Mr.Ingram.I am Gloria Delgado-Pritchett, Manny's mother.

Yes, of course.I just wanted to thank you so much.

He thinks the world of you.You know, as a child of an immigrant, he can look at the world with such a fresh perspective.

And talking about fresh, I brought you some empanadas.Subtle.

Hey, Phil.Where's Claire? Oh, she's going to Alex's classes.

I'm doing Luke's.

I'm surprised to see you here.

- Isn't your team playing today? - Yeah.Gloria made me come.

I think I'm recording the game, but, you know, you can never know.The last time, I got six hours of Bravo.And who knows? Maybe Manny's going to be the first Latino president.

Hello, Mr.Ingram.

Dr.Donna Duncan, Wesley's mom.

Just brought you a little thank-you for being his absolute favorite teacher ever.- Those cupcakes are so white.- Thank you.

- Dr.Donna Duncan.

- I'm Gloria.We've met several times.Oh, of course.

- Mario's mom.- Manny.

And how is he fitting in now? Better? Anyway Here she is.You brought a flask to an open house? - You want some? It's scotch.

- No.Put it away.Don't be such a goody-goody.

Taste it.It's older than you are.

- I don't want any scotch.- Well, just smell it.- Fine.

- Mr.Dunphy, is that a flask? No.

It is.It I-- - Uh, I was -- it's his.

- No, it's not.

Karry's English



For the record, no alcohol is allowed on school premises.

For God's sake, Phil, it's 2:00 in the afternoon.So, Alex, tell me why you're here.

I had a little meltdown last night, and I'm afraid it'll happen again but, this time, in the middle of the S.A.

T.s or something.

Why do you think you melted down? I'm stressed.It's my junior year.

Part of me feels like the limbic system in my brain's a bit off.That's a thing, right? I did some research.You know I charge the same even if you diagnose yourself? I'm just trying to

move this along.I have a lot to do.

Well, uh, this is a process.You know, it takes some time.What -- what are you thinking? - Nothing.

- No, no.Go ahead.

Tell me.That maybe you're not up for this.

I mean, no offense.- You're just a lot older than you look on your website.- Oh.

Did you even have S.A.

T.s when you were in High School or Asian kids? Oh, no.No, no, no.

But there were other things I worried about -- Spanish inquisition, sailing off the edge of the world, learning how to understand fire.

Sorry.- You mind if we try something? - What? Just do me a favor.

Take a deep breath.

Great.

Now what's on your mind? Well I just remembered that I forgot to charge my computer before I left and that I have to get new index cards before Monday.

Hopefully they don't run out of the blue ones, because, for some reason, those help me study better.Maybe it's because they're easier to read or maybe my prescription's getting

worse.I should probably make an appointment with the eye doctor.

Also, should I get a job this summer or would an internship look better on my application? And what is up with Hillary? Is she going to run or not? I mean, I feel

like she'd totally understand the feeling of being overwhelmed, but also like you're not doing enough at the same time.Wow.

- Hey, Nina, how's Sanjay? - Oh, great.Thanks.

He's just dealing with the S.A.T.

s and the A.C.

T.s and that merit scholarship application everyone's so stressed about.

What -- what application? Let's begin by talking about the A.P.Physics test, which, as you know, takes place on May 21st.

With Luke and Haley, I'm on top of everything because they aren't.But Alex is so self-sufficient, I just sort of put it in cruise control.

I've fallen asleep at the wheel, and now my little genius is covered in cake.Now, a list of practice tests I recommend the students take before then Meanwhile, a great artist like Bob Dylan would get voted off in the first round,

which -- if you wet the end, it will stick to his face.- You're a genius.

- Piper, that's rude.You know, Manny, in chorus, we sing "Blowin' in the wind.

" Now that's blowin' in the wind.

Karry's English



You're funny, Luke.

Manny and I need to use the restroom.We do? You've got to switch with me.

What? No, we can't do that.They're twins.They'll never notice.

You realize we're not twins, right? Special dollhouse delivery for Lily! It's here, it's here! I think you're going to love it.

I spent so many hours playing with this when I was your age.Yeah, me too.

Hey, quick, turn off your car.Why? It's in park, I think.I have a judgey green neighbor.

He had the nerve to come over here and tell me that I'm not green enough.Shut up! You're super-green.

Thank you.I'm -- I'm recycling a Dollhouse.I even recycled a child.

- Didn't you win some award? - Yes, yes.The State Bar Association award for sustained excellence in the field of

environmental Yeah, yeah, yeah.That's the one.

Law.There was one word left.You didn't have to cut me off.

Dollhouse, please.- Okay.

- Yeah, in a minute.- You know what you should do? - Hmm? March right over there and wave that trophy in his stupid eco face.

No.You think? Yes.

Those people are so annoying.There's this girl at my school who was all over me about my boots 'cause they're

leather.

Meanwhile, she's wearing crocs, like those aren't endangered.

You know what? I am gonna do that.Show him to out-green me.

- Okay.Oh, no.- Oh, no.

All right, those are blowing into his yard.That is -- okay, that's definitely gonna hurt my case.

Uh, you pick these up.I'm gonna go get the trophy.

Lily, help her.I heard that "recycled child" comment.Thanks to your little flask, now the teacher thinks I'm a burnout.

Football game.Football game! - What are you doing? - You can do this now.

- I saw it in a commercial.- Not with that phone.You might as well say it into your wallet.

Come on.We're gonna be late for math.

- I'm not going to any more boring classes.- You're just gonna cut? No, I'm just not gonna go because I'm in my 60s.

Teacher's lounge.They got a TV in here.- We can't go in the teacher's lounge.

- Why not? - Um, it's for teachers only.- You're a teacher.

Right now, you're teaching me how to be a little bitch.Jay, don't.Jay.

Jay! So, when do you think you'll be making your decision? Oh, sometime in the next week or so.

Oh, take your time.It would be rude to rush you.

Not as rude as interrupting two people in the middle of a conversation.

Karry's English



Well, actually, I'll go.

I'm gonna go grab some coffee.Good idea because those cupcakes look very dry.

Okay.This is unbelievable.They just gave me four books on applying to top colleges.

When am I gonna have time to read all this? Oh, my gosh.I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you there.Come on, girls.

Oh, she's so mean.- Everybody sees me.- Who was that? Dr.

Dooda Dada.She thinks that she can flirt her son all the way to Washington, but I'm gonna take

her down.- I would love to chat, but I got to get to A.P.

Calc.- Okay.

Physical education is a critical part of every school day.As we develop the mind, so we must the body.

This begins with good nutrition, uh, physical activity, sportsmanship, and attention to personal hygiene.No, please, please, please don't go.

I know this is boring, but this isn't my idea.I wanted to play a spirited game of dodgeball, but -- - That sounds fun.

- I'll play dodgeball.I'll play, too.Anything's got to be better than this.

Oh, well, you know what? We're really not supposed to, but you know what? Hey, guys, listen to this.

My name's Cam.I'm the sheriff of Dodge Ball.

Okay, you guys are the Hatfields.

You are the McCoys.

Mr.Mandelbaum, I'd like you to stay seated.

You're gonna be our referee.All right, everybody, let's dodgeball! Dodgeball was a smash.Dr.

Donna and Gloria were like two assassins just picking off their victims one by one.Okay, last two dodgeballers.

Are you ready? Yes.Are you ready? Yes! Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm going to kill you! Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, don't! - Ow! My eye! - I don't understand you! So, you like theater, and you just put this fake thumb in our fries.Yep.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say we're with the wrong people.Let's just switch dates and get this party started.

What? We don't want to switch.Yeah.I'm not attracted to you.

And I'm not attracted to you.Wait a minute.

We like all the same things, but you don't think I'm cute? I've got a thing for Latin men.

I like 'em dumb.- Ugh.Well, that's just offensive.

- And shallow.Just because we're guys doesn't mean we don't have feelings.

Yeah.I don't feel good about this.It makes me feel Bad.

Come on, Luke.Let's get out of here.

Our parents aren't home.If you want, we'll make out with you.

I'm not proud of what happened next.

Karry's English



I am.

He's not home.How's the cleanup going? - Well, I think I got most of them.

- You've been at this a while.How come you only have like eight peanuts? Instead of carrying them around, I made a huge pile right over th-- - Again?! - Geez.

They're everywhere.Oh, God.

No! Bird! Aah! Oh, no! Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! What is that smell?! It smells like French fries! It's biodiesel.

Can you plug it up? - Oh, what? With what? Popcorn? - Oh, geez.Oh, God.- No! - My boots! This is a disaster! Save the seals! What -- what -- what -- what

the hell? What did you do? Uh, I won a green award.That's what.

You think you can get this thing to work? Hey, you're supposed to be the lookout.- What if somebody walks in? - Gee, they'll call my parents.Hey! Look! You did it! Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.

Listen, I'm gonna get back to class.Before you go, let me ask you a question.

How do you know how to do all this stuff? Back in High School, I was in the A.V.

club.We did all kinds of crazy things.One year, we hid a microphone in the gym.

We could totally hear everything that was going on at prom.I used to make fun of guys like you.

This is pretty cool.Really? You think this is cool - First down! - All right.Best open house ever.

It's all gravy when you're in the A.V.

Admit it -- doesn't it feel good to break a few rules, take a walk on the wild side? - You're welcome.

- No, you're welcome.

I'm the one who set this whole thing up.

Let's just say we make a good team.To us.

There he goes.There he goes.- Come on, come on! - Come on! - Come on! - Yeah! I've been like this for as

long as I can remember.Can you give me an example? Well, when I was little, I was in a spelling bee at

school and I really wanted to win.I don't know why.

There was no prize.No one cared.My parents didn't even know I was in it.

I just felt this weight on my shoulders, like if I lost, I'd I don't know.- I just had to win.

- And did you? Yep.Know what the winning word was? Responsibility.Is that what you feel? A responsibility to win all the time? To always be the best?

That's one way to put it.And this responsibility -- where does it come from? I'm not sure.

It's just there.So it's an internal pressure.

Kind of.I mean, once you start overachieving, people expect things from you.Like what people? You know, the world Teachers, parents, other kids.

It's not all internal.Don't get me wrong.

I like the way I'm wired.It's what's going to get me into a good school.It's what makes me who I am.

And how is that -- being who you are? I don't know.Mostly good.

A little exhausting.Sometimes hard.

I guess there's your answer.

Karry's English



It's hard being me.

Tell me a little more about your family.They're pretty normal, I guess.

I'm not like any of them, - but that doesn't really bother me.- Ever? Only when they say things like "Alex, you study too much" or "don't freak out" or "go do something fun.

" So, your siblings -- they don't experience the same pressures you do.Oh, God, no.

They don't care about school.Hmm.

Why do you think that is? I mean, you all grew up in the same house with the same parents, yet you're the only one who feels this enormous pressure to achieve at such a high level.

Why do we even have to talk about my family? They don't have anything to do with this.

They don't get me.How's that feel? - I don't know.- You're a smart girl.

- Try a little harder.- I said I don't know.

I feel Kind of alone.I realize our juniors are busy with S.

A.T.s, so as a rule, I only give two hours of homework a night.

- Two hours? - Our students are highly advanced.It's nothing they can't handle.

You know, I'm -- I'm sure they can.It's just that if they have two hours in this class and they have an hour for A.P.

Bio and an hour and a half for, um, advanced lit and -- hang on one second.Let me just do this on the board, 'cause then it's -- um, we got 2 and 1 and 1.

5 and then another, uh, hour and a half for A.P.

History -- gives us - It's 6.

- Yes! Nina, I was getting there.

Thank you! Thank you so much! If I could just have a second to think without all the tippy-tappy typing.

Well, I hope you're happy.You've ruined dodgeball for everyone.She was the one who threw that ball in my face.

Only because you threw yourself at Mr.Ingram.

Okay, ladies, please.Can't you see what's going on here? You both just want what's best for your kids.

- Huh? - I need to get this trip for Wesley.I'm tired of him being so mad at me all the time.Why is he mad? Oh, he blames me for the divorce.

His father will always be the hero.It's hard to blame someone who's never there.

Now, can't you relate to that? It will get better.Kids always figure out who's really there for them.Again, we're very sorry about the projector.

I'll send a check on Monday.- Hi, honey.

- I got in trouble.Whatever she did, add it to my tab.

- All right, let's do this.- No.No, no, no.

Not you two, just you.Come on, sheriff.

Oh.Oh, hey, honey.How did it go? Good.

And I made another session for next week.- Hmm.

- How was the open house? Wow.So intense.

I had no idea the kind of pressure you're under.

Karry's English



Honey, I was just you for two hours.

I could barely hold it together.I don't know how you don't have a meltdown every day.

I -- oh, honey.Sweetie, what? Did I say something? Yes.Thank you.

Okay.Okay.

Okay.Again, I am so sorry.

I-I guess, in retrospect, it was a little crazy that I wanted to show you my state bar association award.Stop.

And it's possible I come on a little too strong.No.

No, no.I like to think that I'm greener than I am, but maybe I just want the credit without doing all the hard work that you do.

Well, you're right -- it is hard, but, you know, it's also alienating.You know, no one wants to be friends with me.

I-I can't tell you the last time I had people over for dinner, which is probably a good thing.

You know, with solar power, it takes four days to roast a chicken.- Really? - If you want it cooked all the way through, yeah.- Hmm.

- You know I had salmonella three times? If you want to come over to our house for dinner, we kind of owe you.

You can play with my dollhouse.- Yeah? - Is it made from sustainable materials? - Forget it.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x13 Three Dinners

- Hi, there.- Hey.

I'll be your server for tonight.My name is Brian if you guys need anything.

What's your name if we don't need anything? Patricia.[ Both laugh ] You're quick, Patricia! Thanks.

So, our specialty cocktail for tonight is a basil-infused mojito.Oh, yum! We'll take three.Uh, no.

That's okay.I'm good.

Come on, now.Join us for a specialty cocktail - on our specialty evening.- Yeah.

- Three, please.- Okay.

If you don't drink it, someone will.Well, that Brian sure is a cutie, huh? I'd kill to have those lips.

I mean on me.I mean I want his lips on my mouth.- Uh, can we just cut to the chase? - He's got great lips.

No, no, no, no, no.What are we doing here? What is this about? Nothing! We just wanted to have a

fun night out - with our daughter.- Yeah! Just think of us as your friends.- Yeah! - I don't have 45-year-old friends.

Well, you don't have 45-year-old parents yet, either, honey, so calm down.[ Chuckles ] Haley has no plan for her future whatsoever.

She's living in our basement, taking community-college classes, and, well, meandering.

So we're gonna take her out.We'll have some fun.

And then gently ease her into a friendly conversation about her future.

As opposed to the approach that we've taken in the past.[ Camera shutter clicks ] Is this what you're gonna do with your life-- sleep late

and take a selfie?! Why are you always criticizing me?! Is this really how you want to start the day?! My day started 5 hours ago.I am under a lot of pressure! How?! How?! You take three classes a week, and you

miss half of them! The parking is tricky! Morning, sunshine.I saved you some lunch.

I get it, okay?! I'm lazy! God! [ Door slams ] [ Sighs ] [ Camera shutter clicks ] [ Laughter ] You know what drives me crazy? Getting these customer-satisfaction

calls during dinner.They change the oil on your car, they want a love letter! I know.I'm waiting for a call from my doctor's office-- "Please rate your prostate exam.

Would you say you were satisfied?" I hope you weren't.[ Laughter ] "I hope you weren't.

" That's a good one, Gloria! Do you know how hard it is to be funny in a second language, Jay? [In Spanish] This beautiful lady is very good.Ay, Darlene, you're learning Spanish? Yes, Shorty and I have been taking classes.

- We're getting good.- Oh, yeah.

[In Spanish] That's wonderful! You said "That's wonderful," right? My Italian helps me.

Why the sudden interest in Spanish? Well, actually, there's something we have to tell you, you know? All right.How's this? We're-- - We're moving to Costa Rica! - Yeah! What?! When? In a

couple of weeks.The cost of living is so low down there, you know? We found this beautiful place

on the water.It's got its own private beach.Bathing suits are optional.

But encouraged.Ay, I'm going to miss you guys.

Don't worry about it.I give it three months, tops.

You hate the beach.

Karry's English



And you know how humid it is down there? I love the steam room at the club.

It's the same thing, except I don't have to see you sitting there like a pile of melted ice cream.

'Cause you're Tom Selleck in a towel.I'm just ready for an adventure.I want to try something new.

Stick around here.Pick up a check every now and then.

Why do you always have to be so negative? - I think it's great.- No, you're right.

I'm sorry.I'm surprised, that's all.Let's toast this amazing new chapter of your lives.

To mosquitoes the size of your fist.This is why all your friends move away.

[ Piano music plays ] To us, alone at last.We both look very handsome tonight.You know, if you-- if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said,

"So do you." I couldn't take that chance.

I wanted to get off on the right foot.Mitchell and I desperately need - a romantic night out to reconnect.

- Yeah.I don't-- I don't know if it's the stress of planning a wedding, but we've been a little tense with each other lately, huh? Even our friend J'Marcus said how bitchy

we've been.- What-- When did he say that? - Oh, at Pepper's party that night you wore those

pants that don't fit you anymore.Oh, right.And you brought that bad wine that everybody hated.

- See? We really need this.- We really do.

Oh, you know, uh, Pepper said - that for our cake tasting, we needed to have-- - Unh, unh, unh, unh.

Remember our rules-- no wedding talk, no Lily talk.

I'm sorry.

No, you're right.So, just gonna Should we hear the specials again? - We can't ask him a third time.

- Mm-hmm.You know what I might try when I'm down there? Surfing.So it's gonna be a closed casket.

My turn.What are you talking about? I just sunk the 3 ball.

Then you moved the cue ball with your stick while you were telling me how you were gonna move away from Southern California to try surfing.

I didn't touch the cue ball.Yeah, I know.But you did.

You're calling me a cheater? You? The guy on the golf course who can't seem to count higher than 5? Maybe I can't keep track of my shots because somebody

won't stop talking.It is in my nature to comment on the bizarre and unusual things I see in the world, like that convulsion you call a golf swing.

You know what? I'm done here.No, I'm done.

I will not have my integrity questioned here.I was a Marine.

I served with guys who died.Of old age! You never left the States! Are you saying I didn't serve my country? Which one, America or Costa Rica? What's with you and Costa Rica?! It's a terrible

idea! You get into things without thinking, and you need to be rescued, like that time you bought that car - that was supposed to turn into a boat! It turned into a

reef! - Yeah? That's 'cause you left your door cracked open! [ Sarcastically ] Yes, it was my fault.Mark my words-- Costa Rica is another amphibicar at the bottom of a lake.

Only this time, I won't be bailing you out! Who asked you?! Darlene, we're going! Wha-- wha-- what do you mean, we're going? [In Spanish] Thank you, Gloria.

That was a lovely dinner.

Karry's English



And you are an incredible woman for putting up with this gringo! [In Spanish]

Goodbye! - Come on! - What happened? Good luck in Costa Rica! - Aw, thanks, Jay.

- He didn't mean it! I know! I'm trying to defuse the tension.- Here we go, guys.- Oh, yeah! - Three more mojitos.

- Yum! - [ Chuckles ] - Aren't these yum? I didn't even drink the first one.Are you sure? 'Cause I don't think it drank itself.

No, it did not.Look, I have no problem drinking.

I can literally do it standing on my head.But, A, not with my parents, and plus, also, I needed to stay sharp, because they were obviously up to something, and I was in no mood.

I barely got [ Sighs ] So, I'll go get you guys some more water, and your food should be out in just a few minutes.

- Thanks so much, pal.We appreciate it.- Yeah.

- He seems like a real go-getter, huh? - Mm.Oh, 'cause he goes and gets things? I wonder what he wants to do with his life.

I wonder that about people all the time.I think that's very common, to wonder about other people's aspirations.

I do it all the time.- Yeah, you do.Yeah.

- Here we go.Hey, Brian, you're a young guy.

Wha-- wha-- what do you want to do after this? What's your plan? Yeah.Uh, to be perfectly honest, I'm probably gonna go home, watch a movie, and get high.

Phil: - Oh.- You guys looking for something to do? - No.

No.No.

- Oh.

- I mean, I think I got extra.

- No, no, that's-- - I-I think he meant your plan for your life, not-- not just tonight.Oh.

I want to be a screenwriter.[ Inhales sharply ] - Ambitious.- And-- and so interesting.

Isn't that interesting, Haley? - Sure.- You should tell him what you're doing.

Oh, you mean after we all go get high with Brian? That's not happening.I'm sorry.

I meant that-- No, I know what you meant.Hey, Brian, could you give us a second? Brian: Uh, ye-- Sure.So this is what this whole night's about-- the drinks, the pretending to be my

friend? We are your friend.Honey, we care about you.

And we want to make sure that you-- you've got a plan, 'cause it seems like you're meandering.No.

Sweetie, don't just start texting because you don't like the conversation.- Here.

- What is this? That's a blog that I've been doing.I'm really liking my photography, and people always say that they like the way that

I dress, so I've been posting pictures of my outfits on this site.I know it's not a huge money-maker right now, but I do get money whenever someone clicks on a link and buys something that I wore.

I'm gonna take a business class next semester, which I'm hoping will help me turn all of this into becoming a stylist.

I have 1,200 followers.Most are women who want to know what to wear.Some are men who want to know what I'm wearing, but, you know, I'm trying to

figure a way to block all of the pervs.So, yeah.

I guess that is my plan.It's amazing.

We are so proud of you.

Karry's English



[ Sighs ] Don't even, guys.

You always assume the worst of me.Honey-- No, you guys sit here acting like we're drinking buddies, judging me,

when I have a better handle on my future than either one of you did at my age.You? You wanted to be a magician.And you were changing your major every three minutes, according to grandpa--

who, by the way, has been drinking with me for years because he loves me, and he thinks I say funny things when I'm buzzed.

Well, apparently, the situation in Syria is worsening.I know.

In fact, now UN evidence suggests that Assad was-- Are you reading this off your phone? What?! You're-- - No! No! - What-- - I was just making sure my facts were straight - Cam before I started a spirited conversation of current events.

[ Sighs ] Yeah.[ Clears throat ] What else does it say? Thank you.

Mmm.Sorry.Is that the tuna tartare? Yes, and it is delicious.

Oh, I should've ordered it.Well Would you like a taste? Oh, no.

But thank you.That's very sweet.

She really means it.Uh, Katie loves sharing food.Me, too.

You know, I think it's growing up in a big family, 'cause everything at suppertime on the table was up for grabs.

[ Chuckles ] We didn't say grace.We said, "On your marks, get set, go." You sound exactly like my dad.

- He was from this really big family in Missouri, and-- - Shut up! I'm a Missouri farm boy, myself! - Stop! - Oh, my gosh! I'm Cam.

[ Southern accent ] Well, right pleased to meet you, Cam.This is Brandon.

Hi.

She doesn't really talk like that.

Oh, well, he slips in and out of his accent like Kate Winslet in "Titanic".[ Laughs ] - Uh, I'm Mitchell, by the way.

- Hi.- Hi.- What-- what's yours, Brann? It looks delicious, too.

- It's the truffle parmesan gnocchi.- Ooh! Do you know what, though? If you want a bite of that, you're barking at

the wrong tree.'Cause that dish is in a strict no-share zone.

[Brann laughs] I just-- I don't like people eating off my plate.Yeah, because you're not an animal.I'm the same way.

Oh, my gosh! You're exactly us! No, you guys are more interesting, 'cause you have the whole gay thing.

- [ Chuckles ] - Katie, you don't know if they're gay.Okay, that's adorable.Yeah, it was-- it was a pretty safe bet.

[ Laughter ] Okay.I'm running to the powder room.

Cam, please try the tartare, because whatever you order, I want a taste.Okay.

Well, don't you dillydally, because I ain't exactly slow once I tie on the ol' feed bag! Calm down, honey boo boo.- She's so cute! - Very adorable.

So, Brandon, what do you do for a living? Are you-- Look, guys.I-I hate to be blunt, but could you please give us some space? Not a problem.

[ Sighs ] Look, no-- no, it's-- I mean, you guys are great.But I'm gonna propose to Katie tonight.- And I'm kind of feeling-- Yeah.

[ Gasps ] - What?! Here?! [ Chuckling ] Oh, my God! That's amazing! - We just got engaged a few months ago.

- Oh! - Great.- Yeah, so we will definitely give you your privacy.

- Congratulations.

Karry's English



- Absolutely.

- Yeah.- Good luck.

You know what? If you wanted, I could pretend like I'm texting, and I could video the whole thing on my phone.That way, you'd have it forever.

- Really? I mean, that-- - Yeah.- That would be awesome.

- A-are you sure? He gets very, uh, well, excited.And he might give it away.

[ Laughs ] Mitchell, um, I think I know Katie well enough to tell if she's getting suspicious.- Cam?! - She said I could.

- The hell's the corkscrew? - [ Sighs ] Do you want to talk about it? There's nothing to talk about! Shorty does dumb things all the time.

You mark my words-- in three months, he'll be back here needing money.Maybe this is not about Shorty coming back.Maybe this is about Shorty not coming back.

Manny.What she's saying is, deep down, you're afraid Shorty's going to love Costa Rica, -

and you'll lose your best friend forever.- That's what you do.

You push people away, so when they leave, it doesn't hurt that much.I don't get it.You're the greatest generation, but why can't you feel? Why can't you spend your

teen years locked in your bedroom like a normal kid? See? Now he's doing it to me.

Uh, you have to face it, Jay.One day, I'll be moving out of this house.Can I get that in writing? 'Cause I just can't shake this image of a 30-year-old you

eating my food and cuddling with my wife.Boys should never stop cuddling their mothers.

I'm gonna have nightmares! You pretend to be so tough.But you know what I think? I think that deep down, you're the most sensitive

person in this house.

Pbht.

Hmph.See? You did it again.

I say something that strikes a nerve, and immediately, you cannot handle it.That's why you "Pbht" in my face! We just found the one thing you can't make sexy.

There it is again.I need a drink.

Jay, you have to make this right with Shorty.[ Sighs ] You have to tell him how you feel! He has been a great compadre with

you for many years.Besides, who else is going to laugh at your jokes? Lots of people laugh at my jokes.

Name one person that doesn't work for you.Hey, you know what? Why don't you two just go cuddle? [ Quietly ] Okay, here

she comes.- Stay calm.You're gonna spoil it.

- You stay calm.Ooh, that looks good.

What is it? Um, uh, this is the grilled calamari.It's scrumptious.

Would you care for a ring? [ Silverware clatters ] I-- um, I mean, dig in there, girlfriend! Oh, no, that's okay.Thank you.

This looks so delicious.Yeah, mine's delicious, too.

Katie you look so beautiful tonight.[ Chuckles ] Aww.[ Chuckles ] You know, I-I've never met anyone like you, and I know that I never

will.And I I love you so much.

Will you make me the happiest man on Earth - and be my bride? [ Chuckles ] - What?! [ Chuckles ] Oh, my God! - No! - No? No! [ Clatter ] Sorry.

Karry's English



Did you know that this place used to be a bank? Was it, really? I just-- I don't

want to be married, Brandon.We'll end up like one of those couples that just sits there with nothing to talk

about until we glom on to other people.I can't believe this.You-- you don't love me? Katie: - No! Brandon: - No? - I'm sor-- Katie: - No! I

need some air.[ Breathing heavily ] [ Sighs ] So, Syria, any updates? - No, nothing yet.

- Nothing.Do you remember how cute she was when she was little - and she couldn't say

her P's? [ Slurring ] - "Bake a-tatoes." [ Laughing ] "Bake a-tatoes." And "Attlesauce.

" - "Attlesauce"! - "Can I have attlesauce?" First of all, you're screaming.Can we just get the check, please? Could you please not be mad at us anymore?

We are very sorry that you felt manipulated.- You know what I'm pretty sure is ironic? - Mnh-mnh.You guys spend all this time worrying about what I'm going to do, and maybe you

should start thinking about what you're going to do.What are you talking about? Well, what are you gonna do when we're gone?

What's your plan? - Uh, to be fine.- Yeah.

- 'Cause we're fine.- Totally.You guys are gone.

We get an RV.Bam! Me, mama and our dog, Merlin, hit the open road.

No.I am not spending my golden years driving around an RV park, looking for a place to plug my house in.

No.I am gonna go see the world.

Where do you wanna go? I don't know, Phil.India.

Africa.

Diarrhea.

Diarrhea.Wow.

It sounds like you guys really need to start thinking about your future.Are you just gonna put Merlin in a kennel when we're gone? Okay, Phil, Merlin doesn't exist.

And why do you want to get a dog to take care of so soon after the kids leave? Well, I'm gonna need someone to love me, Claire.

And in the meantime, mom, grandpa wants you to take over the business, but do you want that? I-I guess I hadn't thought this far into the future.

And, dad, are you just gonna keep selling houses? I mean, I don't want to blow your mind here, but you could still be a magician.I could.

Mnh-mnh.He couldn't.

- Really? - Mnh-mnh.This salt shaker behind your head says different.Oh, Phil, you're getting salt all over me.

I feel like a Margarita.- You got it! - No, no, no, no, no, no! Just the check, please.

Okay.Thank you so much.

- Thanks, buddy.- Yeah.Oh, no.

I left my wallet in the other coat.I did not bring my purse.

It's fine, guys.I got this.- Honey, thank you.

- Oh, thank you, sweetie.- I should probably drive, too, huh? - Probably.

- I gue-- Yeah.- Yeah.

Karry's English



Why don't you guys have the valet pull the car up while I pay the check? That we

can do.[ Snaps fingers ] Uh, you guys, it's that way.

- Mm-hmm.- It is.Oh.

Um Y-you know, for the record, we do have a lot to talk about.Yeah, we just took a couple of topics off the table because we wanted to have a

romantic date night.And it probably put too much pressure on it to be special, but the truth is, every

day I spend with this man is special.Oh, Cam! Oh, no, I'm the lucky one.There we are.

Katie: I'm sorry.I guess I just panicked when Brandon asked me.

I mean, we're so different.And I know it seems petty, but it speaks to something bigger.I don't know if can spend the rest of my life with the kind of guy who won't let

me eat off his plate.Trust me-- it can be done.

And I should not make such a big deal about that.I promise I'll try and do better.

No, you're right.You don't like it, and I should respect that more.Are you guys married? Oh, this May.

- But, basically, we've been married for years.- Yeah.

I-I mean, is Cam everything that I dreamed of? Tread lightly, counselor.Yes.Yes, he is.

Because through all the compromises and negotiations and arguments and sometimes even boredom, I cannot picture my life without him.

That's very sweet.I would've scooted past the boredom, but At the end of the day, Katie, you have

to ask yourself, can you imagine your life without this person? Huh.

Hey.

All right, look.I, uh, paid the check, okay? Let's just go.

Brandon, can you just please sit? I've been talking to the guys here, and they really opened my eyes.They did? Yes.

I've been trying to picture my life without you, and you know what? I can.We didn't tell her that.

I didn't say that.No, I want what you guys have, okay? I'm sorry, Brandon.

I am so sorry, but we both deserve that.I've never been so sure of anything.You know what? I'm just gonna go get a cab, okay? Goodbye.

And thank you.- Don't-- don't thank us! - We didn't do anything, so We didn't, honestly.

This is the worst night of my life.I'm sorry.But, I mean, um, a-at least now it's over.

You can start to move on.Katie: I've been trying to picture my life without you.

And you know what? - S-stupid phone.- I can.

It's a devil phone.Jay: When Mitchell was born, he was a month premature.So it was touch and go there for a while.

It's 2:00 AM.I walk out into the hospital waiting room to get some air, and there's Shorty.

He'd been sitting there for six hours and refused to leave for the next two days.That's where we got Mitchell's middle name.Not Shorty-- Vincent.

"MVP".We were a little premature on that one, too.

Gloria, I'm going for a drive! Say hi to Shorty for me! I'm not talking to you! Hey.I was just coming to see you.

Um, I left my jacket.

Karry's English



Oh! There it is! Come on in.

[ Door closes ] Uh, Shorty, you know that stuff I said, uh-- - Yeah, I get it.- We're good, huh? Under the bridge.

All right.I'll see you.Shorty, wait.

I need to say something to you.Yeah.

I want to thank you for all the great times we've had.[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

We, um - We had a lot of laughs.- Yeah.[ Chuckles ] And you should know that, uh you're my best friend.

You know? Probably the best friend I'm ever gonna have.Jay, I mean What are you doing to me? This is hard for me.

I'm just I'm just trying to tell you how I feel.Well, I'm gonna tell you how I feel.I admire the hell out of you, Jay.

I always tell Darlene, "That's a real guy." Self-made, stand-up, the kind of guy you want to be in a foxhole with.

Well, I'm not all that.Well, it's not like I've been in a foxhole.

[ Both chuckle ] I'm gonna miss you, Vincent.I'm gonna miss you, too.I love you.

[ Breathes deeply ] I love you, too, Jay Bird.I really, really do.

[ Crying ] You call me, okay? [ Crying ] Every day.Every damn day.[ Both sobbing ] If I'm being honest, this is a little girlier than I thought.

Ugh.Two years.

How could she just walk away? - You know what? She did you a favor.- Absolutely.

- You can do so much better.

- Oh, my God.

Insanely better.No, he's not kidding.

Brandon, you are seriously gorge! If you ask me, she got the better end of the deal.You really think so? - Yes! - Yes! Yes! And the whole fake blond thing? I don't

know.- It was kind of trampy.

- And truth be told, - she didn't seem that bright.- And is she older than you? - Because she looked significantly older than you.

- Trust us.This is the best thing that's ever happened to you.Oh! Thank God you're still here! I was on my way home and all of a sudden, I

started crying.And I realized I was just scared.

And I love you and I'm so, so sorry.And yes, Brandon, if you'll still have me, yes, I will marry you! - Okay.Well, good luck.

Yeah.- So nice meeting you.

Okay.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x14 iSpy

Okay, gang.Tonight, the Farewell to VHS Festival continues.

It's been mighty cold in here since "The Big Chill." What say we warm our hearts by "St.

Elmo's Fire"? Yes! Couple of wine coolers and some '80s Rob Lowe-- I can get into that.

I'm still holding out hope I'll have plans tonight.Great.Two for two.

Haley? Oh, so fun, but I'm gonna have to say no.I have a photography-class thing.

What kind of a thing? Oh, you know, just an exhibit, like, to show our photos.Is it something that we should go to? Claire, we just made plans.Mom, this is a college class.

I'm not in the third grade.Don't you have nap time there? No.

I have free periods, during which I sometimes nap.Is it me, or was she just being purposefully vague? Alex, I want you to go through

her stuff and find out about this thing tonight.Wait, wait.I-I don't feel good about us snooping.

I know.That's why I told Alex to do it.

I think Haley knows more than she's letting on.It breaks my heart how badly you want to believe that.We'll see you guys later.

Where are you going? Riding our bikes to Xander's.What are you doing there? I don't know.

Hanging out.Sounds fun.

Wear your helmets.We will.

I'm not writing my first novel by blowing through a tube.

I don't like them going over to that kid's house.Why not? Mm, Xander's a bad influence.

His older brother is even worse.Huge Stoner always walking around in his army jacket with his muscles, flipping his hair out of his blue eyes.

He told me I was looking good one time.I mean, come on.

Yeah, we'll keep our eye on that.But for now Xander.

I don't trust him.Claire, you're a tough one to figure out.You don't trust bad boys, and yet you married one.

My handsome boy's so hungry.All right.

Be back in a few.If Shorty calls, tell him I died, but make sure you really sell it.It's a funny thing we're doing.

How is that funny? I knew you'd say that.Just don't answer the phone.

Bye, buddy.What's all that about? You mad at me or something? I don't know.

Did you do something to make me mad? Because then I am.But if you didn't, then I am not.I didn't do anything.

Then I am not mad.I am mad.

Last night, Jay had a sexy dream about some woman.Baby.Oh, baby.

Oh, baby! And I know it wasn't about me, because he knows that I hate when men call me baby.

And, yes, people are allowed their private thoughts, and I shouldn't be so angry, but I am Latin, so I get to feel whatever I want.

Karry's English



You want to tell me what I did? Do you want to tell me what you did? I don't

know what I did.Then I don't know what you did.

I'm bored.I'm going.Don't forget your phone.

I got a bruise on my arm.I don't know where it came from.

Oh, poor baby.And then I realized I don't want to work for Charlie anymore.

What I really want -- I'm sorry.I can't listen to this.I need to tell you something, but you have to keep it a secret.

Of course.I'm a lawyer.

I've heard murder confessions.- Really? - Well, in -- in mock trials at law school.But still, I never told anyone.

Seriously, this is only for you.You can't even tell Cam.

Promise? Uh, okay.Is everything all right? Look under the table.

Above the ankle, below the knee, what do you see? I'm a little nervous about this, but -- Oh, oh, my gosh! You didn't? I did.Calf implants.

Wow, and you really went for it, didn't you? No, no, no.They're still swollen.

And that's why you're wearing sweat pants.Okay, I was -- I was afraid you'd just given up.So, whew! They'll settle.

I'm gonna start casually referencing my new workout plan, and then I'm gonna debut them Memorial Day at Laguna Beach.

I personally don't think that you needed them, but if they make you happy -- - They do.

- Good.

I always wanted to be one of those guys running in tights, but I was too

embarrassed about my legs.Well, if you'd just gone running -- Yep.

You're overthinking this, Mitchell.No joke, you can't tell Cam.I love him, but he is a giant blabbermouth.

Oh, come on.He's not that bad.

He just -- yeah, no, I can't even sell that.Jay, to what do I owe the pleasure? I'm just here to pick up Manny.

No need for a whole thing.I don't know why I do that to him.The guy's always so happy to see me.

I'm not gonna worry about it.Manny's not here.

He actually went with Luke over to Xander's.Whoa! Manny didn't tell you he was going either? I told you, those boys are being cagey.

There is a chance Gloria let me drive over here for nothing as punishment.I think she snooped on my phone, read some of my e-mails.

That's not cool.E-mails are private.

They were from a friend I loaned money to.- 100% your prerogative.- A woman.

Oh, no.Well, I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd tell my lady, "you got no business being in my business." Respect your man's boundaries.Honey, you promised you'd clean the pan if you made brownies.

Well, maybe I forgot to spray it first and I'm letting it soak, woman.He only talks like this when you're around.

Well, then, he's done for the day.Oh, okay.

Good.

Karry's English



- Bye, dad.

- See yaBuddy.I have tracked Luke's cellphone, and he is nowhere near his friend Xander's.

Honey, I love technology as much as the next wozniak, but are we sure we want to be spying on our kids? No, and you also shouldn't try to friend us with fake Facebook profiles, Margot Lacroix.

I was really hoping some of this would go away when you got a job.How about I just ask him? Oh, man.

I wish you were my dad.The things I would have done.

- Hello? - Hey, buddy.Just making sure you got to Xander's okay.Yep.

All good.Really? 'Cause I hear traffic and Xander lives on a pretty quiet street, right?

Actually, we left Xander's, and now we're at Sammy's.Well, that makes perfect sense.You have fun.

Be safe.He's lying.

Look.His friend Sammy lives here.

He's all the way over on Olympic and 20th.Olympic and 20th? That's the old salvage yard where kids go to get high.- What?! - No.

Oh, we are going there right now.Wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure? I'm gonna answer, and then I'm gonna walk away.Deal? Okay.I'm 420% sure.

Wow, she's bad at math.Hey, guys.

Hi, daddy.How was lunch? Oh, it was fine.

Hey, when did salmon become a thing that we put on salad? How was Brett?

What's the drama du jour? Nothing.Oh, please.

It's never nothing with that one.His perm, the stalker he pretends to have, nobody will date you when you work at the I.

R.S.

I hate it.What was it this time? No, seriously, nothing.

I guess it is nice to have something other than chicken to throw on there.Okay, why are you being so evasive? I'm not being evasive.I-- check out this new tie.

Oh, my gosh.You are redirecting me, like we do when Lily asks us a question we don't want to

answer and just throw a doll in her face.Wait a minute.Don't be ridiculous.

Like I could do that with an adult.Check out what I got for you.

Oh, good, yes.A garlic press.

I am so tired of my fingers smell-- Oh, my gosh.You did it again.- What's that? - Oh, it's got to be good.

- What?! - Tell me.- No, nothing.

- Tell me.- There's nothing to tell! - Tell me.- There's nothing to tell! - Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

Here.Answer me.

How does Santa Claus get to all of those houses? Okay, sweetie, the adults are talking right now, and look what daddy brought you.

Karry's English



Mitchell, when somebody tells me something, I can't wait to get home and tell

you.Don't you feel the same? Of course I do.

But he -- he made me promise.Well, you know what? We don't have to share secrets.We don't.

We already share a house, a life, a daughter.You know what? I don't -- I don't know why I care so much.

Okay, all right, okay.He got calf implants.

Oh, my God! Oh, what do they look like? Like he's smuggling two grapefruits.Which, by the way, were also on my salad.Okay, this is huge.

This is huge.Who all knows? We have to host a brunch.

Don't you dare tell a single person, okay? He made me promise not to tell anyone, especially you.- Especially me? - Oh, please.

Everybody knows you're terrible at keeping secrets.Okay, well, I didn't know that was my reputation.

Maybe that's a secret people have been keeping from me.I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Well, you did.And you know what the sad thing is? We could be laughing at someone's calf implants right now.

Hey, what are you doing? I'm just watching you sleep.You look so pretty.

Okay, but don't breathe so loud.Hey, where are you going?! I can't find a way in.I can't see anything, but I hear them laughing.

And you know why kids laugh.Because their hearts are filled with joy, not suspicion? We have got to see what is

going on in there.Get the drone thing out of the car.

That "thing" is a professional aerial-photography tool for real-estate use only! You

used it at the beach to film yourself doing sand angels.For my "Phil Dunphy will get you a heavenly deal on a beach house" video.

A professional real-estate tool! That was the consensus.Hey, Alex.What did you find out? Okay, this is a bigger deal than Haley let on.

Only five people in her class were picked to show their photographs, and Haley was one of them.

Amazing! Are there more than five people in the class? Yes.That's the first thing I checked.

Then we really do have to be there.Call Uncle Mitchell and grandpa and see if they can join us.She didn't catch you snooping, did she? No.

She's taking a nap.She's been taking a lot more naps lately.

See what you can find out about that.This is so wrong.Eh, well, desperate times call for desperate -- What is on your head? It provides

glare protection, but apparently not from you.Let's just do this.

We are airborne.Expertly navigating the wires.

You're right.We have cleared the wall.Approaching target.

There they are.What are they doing? They're jumping around on stuff.

Do you see anything suspicious, like, um -- like smoke or paraphernalia, nachos? No, they're filming each other and moving around like zombies.Honey, they're not getting high.

They're making a movie without me! Wait, wait, wait, wait.Then why would Luke have lied about going to Sammy's, huh? Honey, look.

Oh, God.Well, he's still our little boy.

Oh, we got to get out of here.

Karry's English



He cannot know we were spying on him.

- Come on.- Too late.

It's too late.They're pointing at the drone.- What? - We're compromised! Get out, get out! I can't leave the drone! It belongs

to the office! They're still mad at me for writing on the dry-erase board with a permanent marker! Get in the car.

Go, go, go! What was that thing? Somebody was filming us.Hey, my dad has one of those.

I know what's going on here.A movie studio is trying to steal our idea! Spielberg.I told you guys, zombie parkour is a million-dollar idea.

I still don't get it.Zombies don't move well.

Vampires, maybe.Plus, there's your title -- "Vam-par-kour." I don't hear it.

Look at that.That's how I like to be greeted when I come home! It turns out Manny's hanging

with his friends today, so I didn't need to go pick him up.Oh, right.

So sorry.I forgot to tell you.But, then, you don't tell me everything, so I guess it's okay.

You got a lot of nerve.You are the one who went through my emails on my phone.

What are you talking about? No, I didn't.So you're not mad at me for something you found on my phone? No.All right, then.

Great.No harm, no foul.

I'll see you at dinner.Give me that phone! I want to see what you're hiding! I'm not hiding anything.

I don't even know how to use the damn thing.

Oh, look.

I accidentally dialed Alex.Let me say hi to her.

The kid idolizes me.Hi, hon.Hi, grandpa.

Real quick, how do I delete e-mails on my phone? Well, first, you have to check your inbox, your trash folder, and your sent folder.

People often forget about the sent folder.Trust me, you get pretty adept at this when you have to stay one step ahead of

your snooping mother.Give me the phone.Got to go.

Uh, yeah, sure.I-I-I have nothing on here.

Let me just disconnect from grandpa, which is not happening right now.I can see what you're doing, Alex.Why did just delete a text from Uncle Mitchell? I didn't! Shouldn't you be more

worried that Haley has a nurse's uniform in her closet?! I can only handle one thing at a time.

- Hey, Claire.- Hey, Mitchell.

Why would Alex delete a text from you off her phone? I'm not answering that question.People's phones are their own business.

What? I got to go.Give me your phone.

No.Why? Because you're texting someone and you look very guilty right now.Or I'm playing "words with friends" with Longines.

None of those words better be "calf" or "implants." Oh, my gosh.

Here.You know what? Take my phone and admit that you don't trust me, your fiance,

and co-father of your daughter.

Karry's English



Go ahead.

Push the button.I'm good.

No, I'm fine.I trust you.Oh, my gosh! Hey, guys.

You want some red stuff that reminds you of wine? - Sure.- Yep, I do.

So, when's this exhibit open? I don't know.Maybe the details are in Jay's phone.

But I hope not, because everything is very secret on there.Don't know if you caught that subtle cue.She's mad at me.

He did something very terrible that he doesn't want me to know about."Very terrible"? Until you tell me what it is, I'm gonna think the worst possible

thing, like maybe you killed somebody.But you don't have the stomach for that, do you? Thank you so much for coming.I know how busy you all are with work and errands and snarking about me on

your cellphone.Let it go, Claire.

Honestly, Phil, I don't know how you do it.I don't know how you do it.

Compromise and compassion.- Yeah.- She wasn't really asking you.

Hey, hey! Here comes Luke.What do we say we were doing today? When has Luke ever showed any interest

in what we do? Okay, but be cool.If he finds out you were tracking his phone, he'll think we don't trust him.Ooh.

Plus, then I could never do it again.Hey, guys! What's up? How was your day? It was fine, you know? We don't know.

How would we know? Oh, we just mean what did you do? Not like, what did you do? And we're just like, "hey, what -- what'd you do?" You guys are acting weird.

No, we're not.

You are.

What did you do today? - We just stayed home - We went shopping.Online shopping at home for pants.

We both needed pants.I told you he was gonna ask.Wait a minute.

Was that your drone today? Were you spying on us? I'm sorry.Your mom made me do it.

She thought you were smoking grass.- Grass? - Claire.

No one says grass.I never said grass.It's not that crazy an idea.

We weren't smoking anything.Manny would never.

Thank you, mom.He's so judgy about those things.The only reason why I walk that stupid dog is so that I can smoke my cigars in

peace.I can't believe you were spying on us.

You have to stop being so suspicious, Claire.It's okay to trust people.

Some people.Other people, who knows? You turn your back for one second, and they have a whole other family on the bad side of town.

You are my other family from the bad side of town.Look, I can't stand this all night.

I loaned someone money, Gloria.I didn't consult you.I knew you'd be pissed.

She's just a friend."She"? Is this the woman that you've been dreaming about at night, that you've

been making the sexy noises and saying, "baby, baby"? What the hell are you talking about?! No?! Then prove it! Give me the phone! Honestly, you people --

Karry's English



and by that, I mean straight people are ridiculous! Everyone's entitled to a little bit

of privacy.Says the guy who forced me to tell him our friend's secret.

Okay, that's different.That was gossip, - and gossip belongs to everyone.- Okay.

Just keep your nose out of other people's phones.You either trust them or you don't.

Give me that.- Ha! Yes.

- Give it back.Give it -- No, but you can have mine, 'cause I have nothing to hide.I'll take that.

Oh, my God.Mom, no, please, stop.

Here, here.Wait.Let me help you.

It's crazy, right? Ha ha.No, I knew it.

"L.O.

L.Do you think Brett likes his coffee black or with calf-and-calf?" Okay, I admit it.I have a problem.

But I only told one person.It was too juicy.

And Crispin said he wouldn't tell anyone.This is from Longines.Oh, that lying Crispin.

Give me that.I cannot believe he betrayed my trust.

Now Pepper's chiming in.Jackals, all of them.

Oh, that Pepper.

Oh, my g-- Uncle Mitchell was helping you get me a birthday present? Yeah, I

wanted to make you dinner and get you a nice bottle of wine, the one he served at New Year's you said you liked.

Ooh, I did like that wine.I'm sorry I ruined the surprise.You should be.

What did you think I was doing, anyways? Give me some credit.Oh, well, then, maybe we could just call it even, since he typed, "I'm just surprised

she remembered coming to my house that night." To which you responded, "bahahahahahaha" with like five exclamation points.

Seems fair.Did you find what you were looking for? No.She's a waitress at the club.

Her boyfriend crashed her car, so I helped her, because we have that fun game where I order salad and she brings me French fries.

But I never dreamt of her.Last night, I had a nightmare.Joe got out onto a ledge of a tall building.

I couldn't get to him.I was very upset, and I think I might have cried a little in my sleep, which might

have sounded like sex to you, which I don't love.But that's the "baby" I was talking about.

Really? That's scary.Yes! Why in God's name would I need to dream about another woman? Now that you say it out loud, it does seem kind of crazy.

I'm not proud of this, but the dream wasn't about Joe.It was about this little baby right here.

That's right.You almost fell off a ledge, and daddy was so scared.Oh, my gosh.

It's us! All over the place.I don't know how I feel about this.

Okay, okay, now, see -- look how much you gossip.Haley managed to capture it on film.

And look at you, smiling ear to ear.

Karry's English



You know you love it when I give you the dirt.

Oh, which reminds me, guess who got kicked out of a hotel bar for making unwanted advances at the waitstaff? I don't want to know.

It's none of my business.Okay.Jotham.

Zaniel.Sal.

Just tell me! I don't know.Good God, look at those lines on my face.

When did I get so old? Their smile lines because you're holding your son who you love, who you had to protect in your dream.She is a great photographer, even though it's embarrassing that everyone's staring

at my six-pack.She is really good.

Have you seen my photo? Has Gloria seen this? Gloria see what? I think I look good.Wow.

She didn't even see me in there.Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here?! Alex invited us.

You? How did you know where this was? Uh, the flier fell out of your backpack.Liar.

Mom made me.We came to be supportive.I told you not to come here.

This is such a violation! She just did it to me, too.She read my texts.

That's nothing.She totally used a drone to spy on me.Use of the drone was completely justified.

- What is wrong with you?! - What are you talking about? All right, knock it off.You have no idea how hard it is to be a parent, to figure out what's going on with

your kid when all you get is a grunt or a "fine" or a flick of the hair.It's my job to protect you and make sure you're making good choices.

And if I step over the line every now and again when I'm doing that, tough.

Knowing you're safe is the only thing that lets me sleep at night.

I thought it was the wine.Congratulations, Haley.

For what? Someone just bought your photo of this beautiful lady.First one sold.Oh, my God! Someone paid for something that I made! Me! I am so psyched we

were here for this! Me too! Now you're glad we're here, huh? I got to admit, that's a gorgeous picture of you.

I'm in it, too, dad.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x15 The Feud

If I take something to help me sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting.But if I don't take anything and I don't sleep, I'll be groggy for the meeting, you

know? I was up for re-election as social chair of our local realtors group.The vote was tonight.

I was so nervous, I could barely hear Claire's pep talk.Why did I beg Mitchell to introduce me to this developer? You're right.

We'll know soon enough.I'm gonna go upstairs, see if I can get some sleep.Love you.

I hope so, too.Hello? Hey, Gil.

No, no, no.You -- you didn't wake me.Um, so, you hear anything, or Hey, Dunphy.

Just wrapping up a phone call with this jackass.I got to run, Dunphy.

I got a late meeting with some jackass.What's going o-- what's going on? The people have spoken, Dunphy.

I'm in.You're out.Sorry to have to tell you that in private.

Was it even close? No! I have a mandate -- Not the kind you hide from your wife, either.

I can't believe it.I'm a one-termer? That puts me alongside Henry Eustace Tyler and Art Wagner! Never met Art Wagner.

They took away his realtor's license after Gategate.Okay, enough history, "done-for.

" Fork over the hardware.Gil, as my predecessor told me, respect the office, respect the medallion.

Ooh, shiny.How often do you clean this thing? Every time I shower.

Well, don't worry.

It's gonna get a good buffing tonight when it's swinging against the back of my wife's head.

That is not respecting the medall-- So, after we pick up my allergy medication, you drop Manny and I at the museum.Why do you even have to go? Ay, other mothers are going to the field trip, too.

Don't worry.I'm not going to be all over you, trying to suffocate you.

Don't talk like that.I hate crowded elevators.

Only one thing worse -- when they stop and you get trapped.Actually, there's one thing even worse than that.It's okay, sir.

There's no need to panic.Getting trapped with him.

I don't even know the guy's name.He belongs to my club.But for whatever reason, he has the knack for showing up when I'm at my

absolute worst.Be right back.

Here, let me help you.Maybe we should help someone else.

Oh, don't be frightened.Big step! Who's next? I'm sorry.Pepper's getting a what for your wedding? A D.

P.No! No, a director of photography.

Yeah, apparently, he's a big deal.He won a Golden Globe.No, you win an Oscar.

You buy a Golden Globe.So he can only meet with us this morning.

Is -- is there any way you could pick Lily up from school? Uh, yeah.Yeah, I can.

I'll -- I-I'll take her to the park.

Karry's English



That's good.

It'll get my mind off this meeting with your friend.I am so nervous.

I haven't had a sales meeting in Forever.I'm a little rusty.Do you remember when we used to call you "little rusty"? I was 8, and I can still

cancel this meeting.Fine.

I got to go.I got to -- I don't know what I have to do.

What is this? I'm sweating off weight for my wrestling match.I slept in this.Does this have anything to do with why we're out of plastic wrap? Oh, it's the

bottom layer.And I've got some news for you -- it's not keeping me fresh.

Okay.Um, you're gonna be late.You got to get undressed in the backseat.

Ooh, got any pointers for him? Do you girls have to move that now? Well, I've been lonely.

Having a mirror in my room will be like having company! Ugh, your daughter's a parakeet.

Careful.Stop saying that.I think I know what I'm -- Oh, one second.

- Oh, my God.- Hello! No, this is a good time.

- Haley! - All right.Geez! No, I just got to help my sister out with something.Okay.

Bye.Okay, let's just put this down for a second.

Oh, my God.- What? - I don't think this is gonna fit.

You'll have to get a smaller mirror.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Haley, you'll still be the same size in it.

No! Oh, my God! We're trapped! Well, it -- it's -- it's not such a huge disaster.You know, you'll just be a little late for school.

Make up your mind! Which is it?! Oh, my God.I'm missing a text.Just got real, didn't it? Who sent you?! Come on.

We have to go.We can't be late.

I am so excited.Aren't you? - Oh, no.

- What? What's happening? How are you ruining this? There's a report of lice in Lily's class.Ugh.

It's probably from Portia.You know, she is always so filthy.

They had to kick her out of swim buddies because she left a ring around the pool.We should probably cancel our meeting and pick Lily up ourselves, huh? Probably? We have to! We can't risk infecting Claire just so we can keep a meeting with the

top wedding photographer in the state.No.

No.I am calling her.

Yeah, it's the right thing to do even though it's like a 1% chance of her actually catching anything and a 100% chance of us freaking her out.Well, now, wait.

Are we being selfish here, Cam? Maybe.Go on.

Well, if-- if we alarm her just so that we can have a clear conscience, doesn't that make us - Monsters.- Monsters.

Wouldn't we be doing her a favor by not telling her and sparing her all that worry? Second huge favor of the day, after you got her a meeting with your client.

Mm.I'm -- I'm starting to feel bad about this.

Karry's English



What, because we're doing so many favors, Claire will never be able to pay us

back? Thank you.Nope, she does not need the stress, Cam.

Yep.That's it.No more favors for Claire.

No! Look at us! Two blondes, having fun! Hey, buddy! My match is coming up.Got any final dad-vice? Starting to sound natural, right? You know what? Just get

out there and enjoy yourself.You showed real character trying a new sport.

No matter what happens, I couldn't be prouder.Thanks, dad.You bet.

Go get 'em! That may be the best part about being a parent.Whatever's going on in your personal life, when your kid's happy, you're happy.

A happy kid is like an antidepressant, but a natural one, not the kind your husband has to find in your jewelry drawer.Enough said about that! Hey, Gil.

Oh, whoops! I'm sorry, man.I hope I didn't blind ya.

Although you might not want to see what's next.Our kids are wrestling each other.

- Are you kidding? - Nope! There's my little bra-snapper right there.He's a beast, man.No, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I get it.This is when you try to intimidate me.

No! No.Hey, good luck.Hey, did you ever hear about those illegal baby-fighting rings they got in the

border? That's not a real thing.Yeah, wife and I brought him down there.

Won a whole carload of chickens.See you out there, man.

That never happened! Watch yourself! Watch yourself! Wish me luck.

No need.

You worked hard.I just want you to have fun.

Thanks, dad.Also, I'd like to revise what I said to you in the car about biting.Manny, they have everything here-- the rainforest experience, the hurricane booth,

discovering the body -- we have that one in Colombia, too, but -- but a different kind.

- Oh, no.- What? You don't hear that? It's my new shoes.

They're squeaking.Then walk softer.Oh, great.

It sounds like the floor's made of cat toys.- I'm screwed! - Why? Why? Because these kids make fun of everything.

Hand them this, it'll stick with me forever.That's what happened to Mumbles.Hey, Manny, come with us.

Let's go, Mumbles.One time! Let's go.

Just go on without me.I'm just gonna stand here.

What -- forever? What happened to him? He didn't used to be that self-conscious before High School.He used to go around in his poncho, play the pan flute.

Ay, I miss my little old Manny.Manny, you care too much about what other people think! I know that some of

the mothers here want to make fun of me because of my accent and my bouncy bosom.But they don't.

You know why? Because I don't care.Because I walk with confidence.

And so can you.Let's go.

This place sucks so bad.

Karry's English



Sure does, Giggles.

One time! Okay, she's not leaving.You got to lure her away from the staircase.

She'll trust you.You're kind of dressed like an animal trainer.Why do you keep calling it a "she"? Well, because "he"s don't look at me like that.

My God, is she gonna sleep all day long? Okay, that, coming from you? The possum's actually laughing.

And, besides, I mean, it's obviously not sleeping.What else would she be doing? Playing? Playing what? Oh, my God! Playing

possum, the one thing that absolutely everyone knows possums do.Ha, ha! I got you! I was playing possum on you by pretending -- Yeah, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't even.No, my God.

Mom's not even here until 5:00.And you ate our only power bar.Well, that's probably what attracted it! You know, we got to throw something at it.

Fine.- Are you crazy?! - Are you crazy?! Mr.

Perlowe will be right with you.- Thank you.

- Thank you.I was so nervous before, but I think I really got this.Oh, no! What? What's happening? How are you ruining this? Why does everybody

say that? The -- the director of photography we met with this morning -- he's turning us down.

Why? "Creative differences." He suggested one of us wear a hidden camera in our boutonniere.He called it "groom with a view.

" Somebody got it into his head to call it the "Cam-Cam." Then there was a lot of foot-stomping and cane-snapping and

monocle-smashing.Who is your wedding photographer -- Mr.

Peanut? It's a director of -- - It's a wedding.

- Sorry I'm late.

Jim Perlowe, this is my sister, Claire Dunphy.Hi.

A pleasure to meet you.Listen, I went by the construction site this morning, and those condos are gonna be fantastic -- assuming, of course, you get the right closets and blinds.

Appears the meeting has already started, so, okay! Yes, it has! Bye-bye, Mitchell! - Shall we? - Yes, absolutely! So Hey, sleepy! Long nap today.

Claire must've really worn you out at the park, huh? Yeah.Do you want to lie down with me, daddy? Oh, honey, the day I answer no to that

question is today.Where are you going? I got to call daddy.You should know that it's not just our low prices that set us apart.

It's our level of experience.You know, I have seen it before a new guy walks into an irregular-shaped space,

and he's just like, "ugh! Where do we even start?" You start with measurements, maybe.Hey, Cam, what's up? Well, it's official.

Someone has lice.Daddy, hug me! I would, but remember, the carpet's hot lava! Yeah, hot lava! Oh,

my God.Are you sure? I think so.

Her head sounds like pop rocks.You have to warn Claire.Daddy, this game is mean.

Well, you know what, sweetie? All right.No.

J-just stay calm.First of all, if there's anything that you need from me, anything at all, I will be living at the Embassy Suites.

Secondly, there's -- there's no guarantee that she has it.I mean, I'm with her right now.

I think I'd know.Yeah, I think I know.

Karry's English



So, as you can see, all of them are modules, so they can be customized for each

unit -- Mitchell! - Hey! - Hi! So, Claire, I need to talk to you.Yeah, right -- right when we're done.

Just after the meeting.We got pine, cedar It's kind of important.A-actually, I got to take this call.

- Excuse me.- Okay.

What is going on with you? Okay, so, you know how you've been scratching your head? Oh, God.

Is it that noticeable? I-I have some kind of nervous tic.Yeah, there might be one of those in there, too.Um, so, Lily brought home lice from school.

What? Yeah, and, actually, I would've told you, but Cam thought that maybe -- You let me walk around with insects gnawing on my skull, and you said nothing?

Yeah, but, Claire -- Come here, little Rusty.No, listen, you -- what kind of monster puts their self-interest ahead of telling another human being that they are going to get a parasite infestation? I feel you

would've done the same thing.- Never.

- No, Claire, stop it! Uh, I got to get off to another meeting.But, Claire, let's just cut to the chase.

You got my business.Oh, super! Oh, I think we're way past handshakes, huh? Manny, stop disrespecting your ancestors.

It took them 6 1/2 million years to walk upright! Didn't you hear the tour guy? "Duh.

" No, don't give me that attitude.No, I -- why is your face red? What? It must be my allergy medication.I must be overreacting to it! Um, I'll get you some water.

There's a fountain right over there.Manny, where have you been all day? I was in the bird wing.

Hilarious they call it that, no? Where's your mom? She was just there.I think she's hiding.

She probably saw she and I were wearing the same outfit and didn't want to get

outdone As usual.Uh yeah, maybe.

But the important thing is that I have fun out there, right? Okay, let's go over this again, 'cause I feel like you're not listening.I need you to win.

Hey, Jay.Hey, Luke.

Don't let your dad get in your head.Get out there and do your best.

All right.What the hell was that? He's wrestling Gil Thorpe's kid.I hate that guy.

Always trying to make me feel like less of a man.The guy that took your necklace, right? - My medallion! - Call it what you want.

I'm just glad I don't have to help you with the clasp again.Jay, are you crying? No! Referee sprayed some disinfectant on the mats.I got some in my eye.

You got a tissue? Here you go.Keep it.

It's my wife's.- Hey, dad! - Hey, son! Good to see you.

- Uh, the match is about to start - Yeah? which means it's about to finish.You see that little Petunia he's wrestling? Yes.You know Gil's dad? I know he always sees me at my worst.

I really want this win, Phil.I can taste it, like metal.

Me, too.Metal.I don't know what it is with this guy, but no matter what I do, I just can't win with

him.That's the way I am with his son.

And Time Warner cable.It's emasculating, you know? I mean, it's not a feeling a man should have.

Karry's English



Jay, you know what the beginning of "love" is? Oh, for God's sake, we're just

talking here.Why do you always have to make everything bigger than it is?! L.

O.Hey, Phil, listen.Does your pharmacy carry lice shampoo? Lily got it at school.

Ooh, away, scary robot! Away! I can't breathe.Well, good.

Neither can your hair pets.- What? - Nothing.

Lily got lice from someone.- Portia.- Who else? You know what? Skip the pharmacy.

Just -- just borrow our lice kit.It's in the basement.

The key's under the mat.Thank you, Phil.Thanks.

All right! Enough with scary robot! But who wants to pretend to be a dog and ride in the car? I do! Okay! Meet you at the door! And remember -- we're gonna keep

our head outside the window.- Fun! - Yeah, fun! Uh-huh! Fun.

All right, the match is starting.I feel that metal now in my mouth, like you were saying.What if he loses? Then we hide our disappointment.

Follow my lead.I've been doing it for years.

The kid needs to know we support him no matter what.- Come on, Luke! - Luke! All right.They're gone.

Okay.Let's get out of here.

Stay close.Mom, you're unbelievable.

Ay, that's sweet, but I know I look terrible.

You come down on me for being self-conscious, then you run and hide because

your face is red.You're right.

I keep blaming the high-school boys for making you self-conscious, and you're taking after me.We can assign blame when we're safely behind our tinted windows.

- We're trapped! - No.When I was in the caveman exhibit, I discovered fire exits.

I'll explain to you why that's funny in the car.Follow me.

No, Manny.It's time for me to set a good example for you.Okay.

Mom, what are you doing? I'm gonna show you that it's not important what other people think.

What is important is that you stay true to yourself.It was the bravest thing my mom had ever done.Hey, everybody! Uh, hear my squeaky shoes? Pretty funny, isn't it? That's right, it's

me -- ol' squeaky shoes.Crazy! Get a load of that pink shirt.

Aww, it's so pretty.Hey, Manny, nice top.

Uh, but my shoes! What about 'em, Pink Top? It was the bravest thing he has ever done.They call me "Pink Top.

" My hero.Pink top.

Hey! Whoo! Good fight! We really blew it with Luke today.How could I do that? My dad never missed an opportunity to let me know when I disappointed him, and I do it to my grandkid.

It's just as much my fault.I've seen what having a disapproving father has done to my wife.

I should've known better.Dang it.

Buddy, I know you're upset.

Karry's English



You've got every right.

We made that wrestling match all about our stupid feud.That was wrong.

Forget about those jerks.We couldn't be anything but proud of you, just like I'm super proud of your mom.Let's repair this one first.

We just don't want you to beat yourself up because you lost.I'm not.

I just started wrestling.Sure, it would've been nice to win, but I tried my best.

I just said "dang it" because I forgot to get a straw.Son of a gun! He's actually okay.I don't buy it.

Why? What are you talking about? No kid lets down his father and grandfather and is that okay with it.

He's burying his feelings.Or maybe he's just raised better than that.He knows it's pointless to fight other people's battles.

It's all in the DNA, Phil.My old man has a problem with somebody? Trust me I'm looking for that guy's

kid on the schoolyard.It's how men work.

Or used to work.Maybe those thuggish Pritchett genes got mixed with more evolved Dunphy genes, resulting in a more elevated human being.

Oh, my God! He's attacking him! Hey! Hey! Get off my kid! Hey.Hey! Get off my kid! Aah! You get off of my kid! Hey, hey! Get off my daughter's

husband! Would it kill you to call me your kid, Jay? Oh, my God.He was saving him.Oh.

Have a good day.- Well - All's well that ends well.

Yeah, yeah.Here we go.

Grab a seat, son.

- Move.

- Coming in.I think, uh, probably just a regular burger.

I can't see it anymore.You think it's gone? It could be hiding.I have an idea.

What are you doing?! I'm gonna create a distraction so that we can make a break for it.

Give it a second to warm up.Okay.

It's back! Oh, my gosh.It's so dark down here.Be careful, sweetie.

What is going on down here?! All right, I got to admit something right here.You impressed me today, Luke.

That kid started choking.You didn't see a rival or a chance to fight your family's stupid battles.You just saw somebody who needed help.

And that makes you the biggest man in this whole car.You just attacked him, didn't you? He made that choke sign.

I thought he was mocking my wrestling.- Let's go ahead and keep that to ourselves.

- Yeah.I'll get it.Honey, I take back everything I ever said about this stupid invention.

It has a name "The real head scratcher, T.M.

" Well, come on in.Just want to say I'm sorry, "Doofy." And yet you're still call-- what your kid did today was amazing.

No hard feelings, right? Hey, Cam, hold off on that thing for a second.Lily, honey? Are you kidding me? It's all in good fun.

All right.Good.

Whoa! Who's this little dumpling? Only my niece.

Karry's English



If there's one thing she loves, it's piggy-back.

No, I don't.Yep! Hop on up there! All right! Who's this man? You can call me Uncle Gil! Uncle

Gil! You two look great together! Get in there! Yeah! I'm telling you, these little buggers love me.- That's the plan! - Yeah!

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x16 Spring-A-Ding-Fling

Okay, big day for this household.It certainly is.

So exciting.Nothing like starting a new job.

Or finally coming into your own at a job you already have.The promise of something new.

The rewards finally being -- Opposite things being equally good.- Cheers.- Yes.

I have accepted a job at the C.F.

J., The -- the Center For Justice.Not, it turns out, a secret headquarters for superheroes.

No, it -- it kind of is.It's a legal-aid society founded by a law-school friend of mine.

I will be an advocate for the people, a voice for the voiceless.And just as important Oh, thank you.

Tonight, I am chaperoning the Spring-A-Ding-Fling, a fundraiser, a dance, which, under my stewardship, has shattered school records.And I added the "A-ding.

" It used to just be called the Spring Fling.I should have said my thing first.

Hey, guys.For my opening number tonight-- Be honest.Does it look like I have anything on under this? Tonight is the SCARB.

Southern California Annual Realtors' Banquet.It is the banquet for southern California realtors.

Literally, it's the only one.And this guy is the only two-time host -- Three-time.

Three-time host in the history of the event.Unfortunately, I have to miss it this year.

It's for the best.

She's invisible at these things.It's tough being married to the rock star.

Luckily, I lined up a substitute date.Dad.You're still up.

Yeah, just working on some jokes for the banquet.Hey, how'd you like to come with me? I would love to! Not surprised she said yes.

That girl's got real estate in her blood.She used to come with me to open houses when she was little.

We may have even talked about a father/daughter partnership.Yeah, she's been drifting a little lately, but I think a taste of regional real-estate's most glamorous night might just re-ignite that flame.

I can't believe I have to go to this thing.But what choice did I have? I would love to! But you're not gonna have those

cookies without milk, right? Right.Come on, Phil.Break area.

Copier.My stinky dog.

Oh, look at you.You just threw up recently.

Okay.Oh, my gosh.That's you and Michelle Obama.

That's my aunt.I am so sorry.

I don't know why I thought that -- Calm down, white guilt.It's Michelle Obama.Oh, good, yeah.

Yeah, you've accomplished a lot in 15 years.Professionally, yeah.

I haven't had a date in six months.Some sundays, I drive out to visit my frozen eggs.

But, on the plus side, I have gotten really close with my mom.

Karry's English



Oh, look at that.

I see the resemblance.That's Maya Angelou.

Damn it.It's signed, Mitch.Yeah.

I see that.This is gonna be fun! I know! - I'm just really looking for-- - You! What was that

outfit last night? That was a business dinner! What is wrong with you? Wendy, I tried.

Well, try harder.Ooh, here's your office.Okay.

Oh, this is nice.Yeah.

Dennis liked it until he didn't.I'll check on you later.Okay.

All right.Let's see here.

New guy? Uh, yes.Hi.

I'm Mitchell Pritchett.Dan.Hope you don't have any plans for Sunday night.

Dan! What are you still doing here? Go! Sorry.Right.

That way! Oh, no.I do love it in leather.Well, learn to love it in silk.

It's too hot outside to be wearing leather.I'm talking about this car.

Oh, by the way, I do the negotiating at the dealership today.Why? Honey, I'm a businessman.

When it comes to people, I know how to get what I want out of them.

This watch -- The man sold it to me for half of what he was asking.

These -- a third.These -- for free.

So, who's better at working people, Mr.Businessman? Fine.We have different approaches, but we're both pretty good.

Hello, Mitch.Hey, buddy.

You look like you want to get up and walk.Late bloomer -- fine.

Who cares if the other kids call you "Slo-Joe"? And they do, you know.Bye-bye.We're gonna have to reschedule the car shopping.

Mitch has to work.Cam has to dance.

We have to sit Lily.- What? - Nothing.Just -- I could have got us out of that.

Stop! - Eat it! - Get off me! Eat the grass, cow! - Hi, Rhonda.- Hi, Mrs.

Dunphy.Hey, mom.

Honey, it's getting very close to time for the dance.Shouldn't you go in and get changed? I did already.The guys are coming by.

We're gonna ride from here.What about you, Rhonda? You want to go in and get cleaned up? - I'm good.

- Are you? What about that dirt on your face? Luke, you wait here.Ride with your friends.I will bring Rhonda.

Come on.Just, um, give me a good shake like a dog before you go inside.

I know.And my dad has three tattoos.

Like, "Why? You're a dad.

Karry's English



" Ew! It's so sad when parents try.

My mom double-pierced one of her ears, and I'm like, "Hello! You're 50." It's so old, like, ancient to have an ear piercing.

Uh, you two decide to go to the dance? Well, yeah, but not really.- But, yeah.- What? We're going ironically to make fun of all the kids who make a big deal

out of it."Ironic"? My ass.

Alex likes Drew.She's just playing it safe.

Now, there are the pushy, obnoxious moms who try and get involved, nudge them towards one another.We mean well.

Fancy shirt, coach Tucker.Oh, thank you.

You know what I like to say.I might be coach, but I travel first class.So, what would you think about giving the opening remarks at the dance tonight?

The arts committee has never made this much, and it's all because of you.Oh, you guys, when I came to this school six months ago, I never would have

imagined you would embrace me.Excuse me? Is this a chem lab? Because I'm looking for a big reaction.

And there it is.Hi.How are -- Who is this? How was sabbatical? Amazing.

I'm rested and ready to take another vacation.And how are we supposed to know him? Senor Kaplan, legendary Spanish teacher.

You know, my heart went out to him a little because he left as everyone's favorite, and I'm sure word got out about, you knowme.I just didn't want him to feel displaced.

Okay.Excuse me, big guy.

Gifts for everyone.Angela, this is fresh from Anuradhapura.

And, uh, Karen, you might want to eat some chapati with that.

And this is for, um -- - It's Marcia.

- Marcia! Right, of course.I knew that.

I must have been having a "SeÃ±or" moment.Somebody's always on.Who did this? What happened? Somebody knocked my bag down and broke my

phone.Lily, do you know anything about this? He did it.

Joe.Yep.

I'm going to go and play.She lies.How could Joe pull a bag off a table? He can't even walk.

I'll talk to her.Why you? Because you're such a businessman that knows how to talk to people?

Trust me.When I get done talking to her, not only will she have confessed to the crime, I might even sell her a closet.

I remember my buddies and I were playing rock war once.That's a game where you chuck rocks at each other's heads.

What could go wrong, right? I put one through the window of my old man's Rambler, and he thought my baby brother did it.

I couldn't take it, and I told him I did it.It felt so good to confess, and my old man was so proud of me, I didn't even get in any trouble.

Y-you know? Joe did it.She's good.

Watch and learn.I don't think that cleavage thing is gonna work with this one.That's not my only trick.

Hola, Lily.Where did grandpa go? Don't worry about Jay.

It's only you and me here now.So, tell me.

Which one of these is your favorite? Fine.

Karry's English



One by one, they will disappear.

Sooner or later, we'll get to the one that you love.Ladies and gentlemen, he's the emperor of escrow.

He puts the toot in tooter.Let's put your hands together for Phil Dunphy! Thanks for the kind introduction, me.

Now, unlike past years I'm not gonna stand up here and talk your ears off.No, ladies and gentlemen.

You deserve more.This year, I'm gonna sing them off.

I'm selling away Set an open house for Saturday A gathering of agents Appeared in caravan I'm a new divorce Now I need a house That's cat-friendly They say the greats never let anything affect their performance.

Well, maybe the greats never had a daughter who checked out during the third of five planned real-time, mid-performance wardrobe changes.

I'm not gonna lie.It knocked me off my game.On the board Is this part of it? No.

It's not part of it.In law school, Wendy Kirk could be a little intense.

I always hoped that she'd soften over time, but some people go the other way.This place is a nightmare.

The conditions are deplorable, and no one should have to suffer this kind of abuse on a daily basis.What kind of tyrant has such utter disregard for human life? I can't do this.

You have to.Wendy needs to hear it.

Yeah, but I'm nervous.You know, what if she -- - Mitchell.- Yes! Hi! I just had a great idea.

I think you would be the perfect person to groom Rex.E-excuse me? I just think he'd really respond to someone like you, you know?

Y-you don't mind, right? Uh, uh, no.No, not at all.

Great.

Thanks.

Will you go over and introduce yourself? I-intro-- okay.- Okay.

Yeah.- Thank you.Hello.

I'm Mitchell.And, apparently, this is my job now.

Oh, god, you smell.People are looking at me.

That's because you let me make you beautiful.Stop it.Am I? Yes, you are.

Have fun.Go.

Go.Drew.Hey, Drew.

Having fun? "Fun"? Uh okay.Oh, Drew.

Drew, listen.Phil and I are gonna be out really late tonight, so there will not be an adult at the

house when you drop Alex off, if you know what I mean.Yeah, don't worry.I'll, uh-- I'll drop her off, and I won't go in.

Well big house, you know cute daughter-- I would not be opposed to you walking her in, keeping her company until we get back.

Like I said, we will not be back until late.I hear you, Mrs.Dunphy.

You can trust me.Well, gonna have to trust you because we have no way of knowing what you're

gonna get up to.In fact, if your car is blocking the driveway, I'll just honk twice and wait for you to

come out.

Karry's English



- Okay.

- Okay.Go get her, tiger.

Come on.Nice job, Tucker.I mean, you made so many choices that I never would have made, but a lot of

them are working.Oh, well, you know, I just watched the videos of the many, many dances you

planned and just built off that one on idea.Hey, kids! There are my little chalupas! Um, what did you do to Rhonda? I cleaned

her up.No, you broke her.I hate her like this.

She looks fantastic.To you! Fix her.

Ugh, it confuses me.Oh, Luke."The house will be empty"? You are pimping me out! It is clear that the two of

you like one another.Sometimes, you need a little nudge.

Well, you're a chaperone! Just disappear! This dance is not for you! You're lucky that's water.

Damn it.She's been stewing in there for an hour.I say let's lock the door, cut the power.

Let's show her that we mean business.Let's try the joint approach first "Gitmo.

" Okay, we've been going over your story, and it doesn't add up.My purse was too high for Joe to reach.He's tall enough to reach up here.

He knocked over the baby powder trying to get my stuffed animals.Not buying it.

Look.You can see the footprints where he walked.

Walk? Lily, Lily, Lily.

Joe can't walk.

He does for me.So, you have ways of making him walk? Lily, just admit that you did it.

Come here, Joe.Come here like you did before.Honey, you're embarrassing yourself.

- Come here, Joe.- He can't walk.

He's walking! The candles that I lit worked! Look at the stride on him.He's as surefooted as a mountain goat.

Told you.I'm so sorry that we doubted you.Boy, did I get lucky.

I'm going to blame everything on him until he learns how to talk.This guy waltzes in here like he's king of the dance after doing god knows what in

Sri Lanka, building schools in underdeveloped areas.What does that even mean? Is it possible that you're being a little hard on the man? I turned his two-bit dance into the event of the year.

Look.Burnouts and dweebs hanging out together in harmony.

That is me.I'm sorry, Cam.

Oh, don't feel sorry for me.Next is faculty dance.Kaplan can't move.

It's on his Tumblr.It's his big shame.

Trust me.He can't touch this.Okay, time now for the faculty dance.

Go, teachers.Oh, are you sure? Stop.

It's "Cammer" Time.Mind if I join you, coach? While on sabbatical, I learned a thing or two from Sri

Lanka's own Chitrasena.

Karry's English



I don't know who that is, and it's annoying when you say things like people are

supposed to know! That pathetic peacock of a man was not going down without a fight.

I had a choice to make -- be the better dancer or the bigger man.So, I stepped off the dance floor and made the obvious call.You want to win over a crowd? Invite a lonely mom to dance.

She never saw it coming, and neither did he.Hey SeÃ±or.

You just got out-coached.I try and look on the bright side of things.

I-I'm a doggy-bath-is-half-full kind of guy.But it was time for me to open my eyes.I was working for a monster.

I came to this job to be the voice of the downtrodden.Turns out those downtrodden were my co-workers, and they were desperate for a

hero to slay their dragon.Hey, guys.Sorry I'm late.

Um, Rex, how's it going with Mitchell? The new guy? I haven't met him yet.That's weird.

I asked him to introduce himself.Hey, has anybody seen my dog? Pixie! Oh, there she is.

Okay, Wendy, I'm sorry.I-I have something to say to you, something that everybody else here is afraid to say.

Now, I know you're fighting the good fight, but that is no excuse for the way you treat people.

T-that actually might be one of the reasons that you have no personal life because who wants to come home to a-a cold, emotionless thug? W-what are you talking about? I am an experienced, respected attorney, and on my first day, you asked

me to bathe Rex.I'm not comfortable with that.

And I'm not comfortable with that, but I did it.Okay, that's Pixie.

This is Rex, the intern I asked you to groom.

And that is my mistake, and I own that.

But that is still no excuse for the way that you tore into him for the outfit he wore yesterday.

I was talking about the outfit he picked out for me.Apparently, I have the one gay intern in the world with absolutely no fashion sense.

I was unaware of-- of this dynamic.But I-I-I'm not alone here, all right? There are people in this room who feel that

you are -- How did we say it? You are a tyrant with no regard for human life.That sounds like my summation for the slum-lord case.

Oh, hey, you finished it? It's wonderful.But he's nervous to show you.Why are you so hard on yourself? Okay, but w-w-what -- what about you making

us work on sundays? That -- the night of my barbecue? Dan? What are you still doing here? It's your anniversary! Go home! Oh, god.

This isn't happening.No, no.She's -- she's crazy.

I mean, I saw her attack the vending machine.That's the only way it works since Dennis broke it.

Dennis is the guy whose office I took? Yeah, he was the machine's best customer until he started running.

One day, he said he's got to get out or -- He would die.Okay.Okay.

Wendy, um I-I might owe you a little bit of an apology, so I'm sorry.Um, clearly, everybody here loves you, and I-I was wrong about everything.

So I'm sorry.You know, you -- you weren't wrong about everything.I mean, look, I do joke about it, but you're right.

I'm alone.And that is not the first time that someone has called me cold.

Okay, those eggs those eggs came out of me frozen.And I'm impossibly tall.

Karry's English



And even if I could find somebody to love me, they -- they wouldn't be able to

reach.No -- hey, hey.

Come on.You're -- you're an amazing woman.She's an amazing woman.

And you -- you're a-a role model.You're a hero.

I'm a 6-foot hero.No.

Come on.You're surrounded by people who love you.Here's Dan and Rex.

Me.Come here.

All the way up to Samuel L.Jackson there.That's your mother in a Kangol hat, isn't it? Yeah.

Um, are you sure you know what you're doing, Tad? I know you're the Mortgage Doctor, but -- Someone said, "Is there a doctor in the house?" Was I supposed to

not get up? Hey, dad.You need any help out of that dress? Not unless you want to see me in nothing

but a baby new year's diaper.That was the big finish to the song you were texting through.Hey, I got one text.

I saw most of the show -- We're leaving, okay? Could you just go to the table and grab my keys and purse? Fine.

You want to talk about it? How many kinds of fake doctor are you? Okay, time for the big award of the night, The ROY I don't even know why I'm mad at her.Probably just 'cause she was so bored all night.

Maybe you're feeling rejected? It's my own fault.I built up this hope that she'd want to follow me into real estate.

Phil Dunphy.She's got her own life now.

I just don't know where we connect anymore.

You won.

- What?! - Yeah.Help me up! As we all know, Phil had a little accident tonight, but we're happy to

accept - this award on his behalf.- Wait, wait, wait.Wait, w-w-w-w-wait! I got this.

Hi.I'm, uh, I'm Haley, Phil's daughter.

Dad, you won the ROY! You all know him as an amazing realtor, but I know him as the world's greatest dad.

As far as I'm concerned, he's the dad of the year, the "DOY." It really is a shame that you didn't hear the rest of his act tonight.I-I heard him rehearsing it.

Which one of you is J.J.

McCubbin? Oh.Hey, quick question, J.J.

-- Why is a great mortgage rate like your wife in bed? Once a month and low interest.

What are you laughing at, Skip Woosnum? You haven't seen a commission since you joined the navy.

She is killing it.That's my girl.I would have hit the word "Navy" harder.

What else? What else? Oh! Margaret Furman's here.Little heads-up to her date -- She's been upside-down in more houses than

Fannie Mae.Or, in her case, Fannie definitely will.We all want people to think the best of us So sometimes we cover things up to

protect ourselves.But we don't have to be afraid Because the truth is always a good thing.

The truth sets us free brings us closer.So, do you want to tell us how Joe's shoes ended up on the wrong feet? I guess

the little guy knows how to put on his own shoes.

Karry's English



There you go, buddy.

You got this.What are you doing? Since Joe can walk now, I figured he should be doing a few

chores.Steady, big guy! Chores? What kind of -- There he is.Attaboy! Attaboy! A beer? Are you crazy? Where you going? You want some? He'll

bring it to you.I can't believe that you're teaching him to do that.

Wait till you see part two.Attaboy.

Relax, it was me.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x17 Other People’s Children

Mwah! Okay, I've fed you.Now, who's ready to watch some basketball? Why am I looking at you? I don't

know.Unlike you, I don't need a reason To watch a bunch of guys run around in shorts.

Don't ruin this for me like you did with olympic diving.Cam? Recording it.

Mitch and I are taking Alex and Manny to an art exhibit.But, of course, everybody is welcome to join.It's a retrospective On "Post-War Abstract Expressionism".

Wait.For school? No, for life.

Oh, thank God.I don't even know who we fought in the post war.Told you One car was enough.

Looks like it's just the two amigos.Haley? Oh, sorry to brunch and bail, Grandpa, but I've got a date.

Uh, with whom? A gorgeous guy I met at school.Ooh, goes there or cleans there? Mom.

Answer the question.So everyone's leaving? No, I'm -- I'm not.I wish I had known this before I served the good bacon.

You did not serve the good bacon.Shh! Don't you have a tiny dress to buy? [ squeals ] Yes, we do! We asked Gloria

to take Lily to pick out her flower-girl dress.Yeah, we're clearly not following every wedding tradition, But there will damn sure be one dress The grooms don't see until the big day.

And we also asked Claire to go Because we thought her sensible style Nicely complements gloria's flair.

That way lily doesn't end up looking too [ hums "la cucaracha" ] Or too [ as sad trombone ] "wah-wah.

" Captioning provided by and ABC.And brought to you by ford.

Go further.

Andy: No, that's what I said.There's my boy.

I know you're talking to Joe, But that still feels really good to hear.Okay, clocking out.Ch-ch-boop! You know, andy, if you want, You can stay and watch the game.

Otherwise, I'll just be here by myself.I'm right here.

I-I'd love to, Mr.P, But I got to come up with an anniversary gift For my girlfriend.

I make her something different every year, Like a scrapbook or a nice scarf.This year, I was thinking Maybe I could bake her some banana bread.Ohh, I am the king of banana bread.

You know my secret? No nuts.Not such a secret.

I used to make stuff for Claire all the time.Pretty sure my artistry is what locked her down.I got to make this year's special.

With her in the coast guard, I, like, hardly ever get to see her.Well, this is just off the dome, But, uh, maybe send her a fun video? Ooh, she

does love "Rock of Ages." Or you could make your own video -- Something romantic and personal With

real production value.I got some pretty choice equipment back at the house.I'd be happy to help.

Would you really? Yeah! Yes! Great! Let's do it! Luke, buddy, I'll pick you up later.We can go check out some wheels.

I thought you were gonna stay and watch the game.I knew you loved me.Get out! Come on.

Wheels? What, are you looking at cars already? Pottery wheels.I have to pick a spring elective, And dad thinks I should take ceramics 'cause lots

of girls do.You know what a lot of girls don't do? Guys who take ceramics.

You got a wood shop at your school? I can't really build stuff.

Karry's English



I mostly take apart and apologize.

You got to know how to build things.I can build suspense.

How? Well, get this.Huh? Garage.Now.

What's a bridal store? It's a place with the most wonderful dresses That you have ever seen.

We're gonna get you the perfect one Even if it takes us all day.Found it.

Oh, no, sweetie.That's a costume.You can't wear a costume to a wedding.

Why not? Belle's a princess.She faced the beast.

She stood up to the townspeople.What have you done? IGot us into that tiny, little parking spot.Princess dresses are not the only pretty dresses.

I want to be a princess.I want to be a princess! Stop that right now.

Your dads want you to have a flower-girl dress, And that's what we're going to get you.

So March.It wasIt was marked "compact" and -- And we're driving a minivan, so Alex: Hey, thanks for inviting us to this.

Oh, no problem.You know, I'm surprised that this particular foursome Doesn't hang out more

often, considering -- We're the cultured ones in the family? I wouldn't say that.Outside of this group.[ laughter ] Did you know your father Actually goes to the grocery store to buy

books? I did know that, yeah.I also know that the best way To get my sister to fall asleep is to -- Show her a

movie Bonne nuit, mama.We should be nice and grateful That we have this day to spend together In our

own private salon.

Don't tell my mom that.

She'll show up and ask to get her roots done.[ laughter ] Manny! That's true.

It's true.Thanks, Manny.I am so excited for this exhibit.

I'm such an admirer of Kandinsky.You know, he was credited With painting the first truly abstract work.

Is that so? Mm-hmm.To be honest, I was a little nervous About holding my own with those three, So

[smacks lips] I did a little boning up on Kandinsky.Figured it couldn't hurt to have a few facts in my pocket.My backup plan was to touch a painting and get thrown out.

Miss, hi.Excuse me.

Can you tell us where the Kandinsky exhibit is? You know, Wassily Kandinsky? Born in Moscow, son of a tea merchant? I'm sorry.That exhibit was temporary.

It's closed.What? No.

Oh, I love this Matisse.You know this is one of his final works.

His failing health led to his exploration of paper cutouts.Ah, yes.I believe he called it "Painting with Scissors.

" Mm-hmm.And he was also a Contemporary of Picasso.

You can definitely see how they influenced each other.Right, Cam? Huh? Uh, well, you know, it really reminds me Of, uh, Kandinsky.How so? Well, not so much in look, more in texture.

No, no, Cam! No, please, sir, don't touch the art.I'm sorry.

I'll leave the premises.No, it's -- it's fine.

Just take a few steps back.

Karry's English



Beth, I would swim the deepest, sharkiest oceans To be with you.

What are you doing? Phil: Cut! Well, now we have a blooper reel.We're making a video love letter for Andy's girlfriend.

Your dad uses his computer to put in cool backgrounds While I act out all the things that I would do to be with her, Like swim an ocean or climb a mountain.Ooh, how about you buy a plane ticket And visit her like a normal person? I

would, but the coast guard keeps her really busy.Eyes.

Does she like it? She's probably so lonely with only two other women to talk to In her whole So you're saying it's just your girlfriend And 36 super in-shape dudes?

what you think.The coast guard seriously frowns on fraternizing.It's forbidden.

That doesn't make it hot.Oh, I got some on your face.

You're gonna shine.I'll go get some of my -- claire's powder.My claire.

She's my wife.I thought you had a date to go on.

I do.When's he gonna get here? Whenever he does.

He's just, like, a few minutes late.[ sighs ] I'm sorry.That is so rude.

A real man would be more considerate of your time.You're right.

That's why every year People magazine names the "consideratest" man alive.[ laughs ] Oh, man, you can make fun of me all you want, But when you grow up, You'll see what qualities make up a real man.

Phil: Someone say "makeup"? I did.[ laughs ] All right, here we go.

Oh, yeah.Much better.

You know what? I think I'm gonna shadow down here.

Claire: Gloria, you are gonna love this one.

I think we have finally found the perfect dress.[ monotone ] ta-da.

It's nice, but I don't like the bow.Let's try more.We've tried on six dresses already.

She's fine with this.Right, lily? I don't care.

See? She loves it.Done.

Go try the lace one.Seriously? This is endless.Why are you dragging this out? Because we haven't found the right dress.

You have got to be a better shopper than this.I have seen you buy three outfits while driving a car.

Come on.It's fun.I don't have any daughters.

All I get to buy is tuxedos, and they all look the same.But don't tell manny that Because I don't want to hear another lecture.

It's funny.I have never cared about any of this stuff.

I didn't even wear a wedding dress when I married phil.Never even tried one on.[ gasps ] Easy.

That is the reaction For when there's a man behind me with a gun.All I said is I don't care about wedding dresses.

Because you've never been in one.I'm gonna pick some for you to try.Okay, no, no.

No need.Mnh-mnh.

Come on, you'll feel beautiful.Then you can go back to yourBoy clothes.

Hey.

Karry's English



I bought this shirt for luke and I couldn't return it.

And I don't have all day to try on dresses.Lily: Oh, and I do? It'll be fun for me.

You're my stepdaughter.I'm older than you.You see? It's already fun.

We're gonna start by building a simple toolbox.First, I'm gonna show you how to cut the wood.

I know you're a little young for this, goober.Try to soak it all up.

What's this thing? A table vise.[ to tune of "edelweiss" ] table vise, ta-- No.I already went through this with mitchell.

That's what we're here to prevent.Didn't your dad teach you any of this stuff? He says the only tool you need is a

sense of humor.'cause who needs the jaws of life If you have a good knock-knock joke? Luke, grab the goggles over there, please.

And try to pay attention.We measure twice, and we cut once.

Hey, grandpa, can you bench 180 pounds? I just said pay attention.And that's actually 205 with the bar.

I'll lift that for you later.I can see you're not gonna let up about that.Eh, I'm okay.

Spot me.Now, if this thing goes south, I want you to call 911 And tell joe his old man died

as he lived -- Saving a trainload of people.[ grunts ] [ inhaling, exhaling, and grunting rhythmically ] All right.That's enough for now.

[ chuckles ] whoa.Tell me everything you know about women.

[ laughter ] [ speaks french ] [ laughs ] yeah, that last thing.Funny.

Funny.

Funny.

I must be a little behind you guys.His words.

[ laughs ] Do you feel what's happening here? I feel pinching.No.I'm the weak link of this super group.

They know it and I know it.It's fine when we're all in a big group, But once we're separated from the herd,

The hooves come out.Don't you mean "claws"? Clawed animals don't travel in herds, mitchell.

Packs, flocks, and prides.Why can't we be on a farm? I'd make you all look like such idiots.You know what? I'm just gonna wait outside.

Wh-- no.Cam, come on.

You're being silly.To be perfectly honest, I-I really needed cam to stay.The minute he goes, I'm the dumb one.

I-I took an art history class once, But that was just to look at naked italian dudes, so Remember now, you're in subzero temperatures.

The only thing keeping you warm Is the heat of your fiery passion.AndGo! My beautiful beth -- Colder! My b-b-beautiful b-beth.

Colder! B-b-b-b-- That's too cold.That's too cold.B-b-beth! Now we're talking! You're so beautiful to me! Yes! Why am I so intent

on helping andy? I love filmmaking and I love love.I guess you could say I enjoy making love on film, And now I don't have to do it

by myself.Beth, this is my long way of saying I miss you.Th-- uh.

You know, this is weird.I don't really know where to look.

No, it's not weird.J-just look deep into my eyes and sweep me off my feet.

All right.

Karry's English



Honey Yeah, that's weird.

It is.Yeah.

Haley, honey, can you help us? I don't think anyone can.Just let andy hold you "officer and a gentleman" style, And I'll superimpose beth's face over yours on the computer.

That's insane.I know.

I can do anything with this.If she's not comfortable -- you know what, guys? This whole thing is really sad

and pathetic.No girl wants a guy that tries this hard.If I got this video, I'd call the police.

Some girls actually like guys who are nice to them.Some girls like 36 of them.

There's 37 of them! Okay, this is passion.We can use it.Andy, pick her up.

All right, let's just get this over with.Oh, god.

Oh, my gosh, he's actually picking me up! Dad! It's just for a minute.Now lock eyes and Action.

[ sighs ] Honey, this is my long way of saying I miss you.I don't have to climb a mountain Or swim an ocean to be with you, 'cause you're always with me -- In my thoughts, My dreams My heart.

You deserve more than I could possibly ever give you, But everything I have is yours.

I love you.Cut! That was beautiful.I really felt that one.

Did you feel that one? No, I didn't feel anything.I was talking to andy.

I know! Put me down, freak! Ugh! Wow.That really takes me back to my cheerleading days.

Alex: How could a guy with so much pain Create such hopeful imagery? I certainly

couldn't paint like that If my mother was dying of consumption.The last time she had a cold, I could barely arrange the flowers on the front table.

You know what I found so interesting? Was that the first painting and the last painting Were so similar, And I think that that was intentional, A comment on the perpetual motion of life.

The first painting was the last painting.We walked in a circle.

Are you sure? Yeah.SoYou know, I'm gonna go check on cam Because he's been alone f-for quite

some time.Mm-hmm.And, you know, he's probably touching a painting.

N-no, don't go! We're having such a good time.I guess it's just you and me now.

It was okay when cam left and passed the dunce cap to mitchell, But with him gone, it went to me.What I would've given to have luke there.

Ah, luke.Sweet as custard and just as smart.

And presto.Thank you so much, mr.

Dunphy.I wish I could repay you somehow.Nah.

Next time you're with your girlfriend, just think of me.Done.

[ horn honks ] Later.Who's that? My date.Your lunch date? It's 5:00.

He fell asleep.But he texted me right when he woke up.

Well, then, you'd think he'd be well-rested enough to walk to the front door.Yeah, a gentleman honks to support the troops, Not summon his girlfriend.

Although my girlfriend is a troop, So in my case, it's a little confusing.

Karry's English



Oh, my god, it's still talking.

Because it knows you're not being respected.Thank you.

You bet.Ugh.You guys don't understand how dating works In the real world.

What are you talking about? Look at everything andy did for beth today.I just live my life to make her happy.

I'm gonna give this to the mailman Who's gonna give it to the coast guard, And by this time tomorrow, Someone in the coast guard's Gonna be giving it to my

girlfriend.Can you imagine the smile on her face When she takes it all in? Okay, I'm gonna go while you two replay that in your minds.

[ door opens, closes ] oh, my gosh.Would you like to re-enact "gravity"? Yes.

Sandra bullock! Ugh.Dang it! Good call.That was quick.

Hey."hey"? That's what I get after I waited for you all afternoon? UhYou look good? I

know that.You were supposed to pick me up hours ago.

You were, like, the first or second person I texted after I woke up.Aww! That's so sweet.Did it even occur to you to come to the door? [ scoffs ] who comes to the door?

A gentleman.Could you at least open the car door for me? Now can we go? You know what?

Go take another nap.I'd rather wait for someone Who'd walk through a blizzard for me And only honks to support the troops! I don't understand you.

Neither do I! [ sighs ] [ gasps ] Ta-da.Claire, you look beautiful.

You're glowing.I'm not glowing.

I'm sweating.

Come on.

Look at yourself in the mirror.Don't tell me that you don't feel gorgeous and special.

Wow.You're right.I am radiant.

Oh, it's like I'm in a In a fairy tale or a dream.Oh! Lies! You're faking it.

Well, I'm sorry! Look who raised me.I am my father's daughter And also kind of his son.

And I lied about that being luke's shirt.I bought it for myself in three colors.I am trying to help you out here, gloria, But this just isn't me.

You did help me.I am glad I didn't have daughters.

You know, at least when I take manny shopping, We make a day of it.I don't even have to ask him to twirl because he just does it.Vamos, lily! Lily? Lily? Lily? Is she -- no.

No? She's gone.She's gone.

Lily! Wait.Wait.

Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily! No, the dress! [ alarm blaring ] Lily? Lily? Wait, wait, wait, wait! I can't run in these shoes! I bet you wish you had boy shoes now, huh? Lily? [ breathing heavily ] Claire, stop! What? Look! Oh, my god.

Okay, run, run.Come on.

Come on! [ both breathing heavily ] She looks so happy.She does.Oh, she really does.

They're gonna kill us.What sort of princess? The kind that dances with beasts and won't marry gaston.

Really? What? It's the only dress she likes.Lily wants to come to the wedding as belle.

Makes sense.

Karry's English



She went to pepper's seder as dora the explorer.

[ both chuckle ] I-it's fine.Are you sure? Yes.

Yes.A-as long as she's happy.A gay wedding is hardly the place to stop someone From being who they want to

be.[ cellphone beeps ] They said it's fine.

Yay! I'm finally happy! Mm! What? I saw you twirl.Oh, I did not.

Yes, you did.Such a pretty girl.Shut up.

You're a girl.How about that daughter of ours? She marches to the beat of her own drum,

huh? Yeah.Exactly.S-so, why are we so concerned What two nerdy teenagers think of us? Isn't the

true mark of intelligence Being able to admit what you don't know? Shh.Here comes manny.

Oh, my god.Did he hear me? Hey, guys.

Nothin'.Hey, what are you doing out here? You guys invited us so we could spend the day together.

It felt wrong that you two are out here And I was in there all alone with alex.Couldn't keep up, could you? She knows everything.

She made a docent cry.It's okay.We're faking it, too.

Well, duh.Alex: There you guys are.

Nothin'.Uh, we were just headed back in.

Yeah, I'm getting a second wind.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's okay.Uh, what do you say we go check out some food trucks? Really? I'll go back in if

you guys want, But I'm actually really hungry.Yeah, whatever you want.Okay, well, whatever you need, yeah.

Thanks, guys.If I'm being honest, I had to get out of there.

I was exhausted from having to dumb it down all day.Really? The neck? Yeah, a kiss on the neck opens all kinds of doors.

Last one.Great job, champ.Who said you can't build anything? My dad, the police, a doctor.

You got a gift.Trust me.

Take shop.I think I'm gonna.Hey, how'd you get to know so much about everything? From my dad, mostly.

He taught me how to use a drill, change a tire, Fake an injury when a buddy asks you to help him move.

[ chuckles ] everything a man needs to get by.I'm just glad I have someone to pass it on to.

You've got manny.Mm.Manny came to me kind of fully cooked.

And I was an idiot with mitchell, And by the time this guy gets old enough, Who knows how much I'll remember? These are my prime wisdom-giving years.

You got any more questions, luke? Just one -- can I have a sip? The beer? Sure.What the hell.Awesome.

My first drink of beer.Jay: I remember the day I gave mitchell His first taste of beer.

He winced and carried on Like someone was digging a bullet out of his leg.I couldn't take that moment away from phil.

Hang on.

Karry's English



Wait a second.

Let me see that.[ sniffs ] No, this beer's skunked.

It's no good.Damn fridge must be on the fritz again.Aw, man.

Really? Sorry, buddy.It's probably time to call your dad anyway, right? Okay.

Wait a second.I want to give you something.

But those are yours.What's a grandfather for If he can't give his grandson a couple of tools? Thanks, grandpa.

Joe I know you're all about the boobs right now, But trust me The neck.[ slowly ] don't let go! [ slowly ] don't worry, george clooney, I won't! You're too

handsome! Watch out for incoming space junk! From where? Your zipper's down! [ normal voice ] oh, is it? [ normal voice ] yeah, it is.Just Sorry.

What's andy doing here? They're making a video for his girlfriend.Yeah? What's it called, "dorks in space"? Oh, it was actually sweet.

It's weird.There's something about him.

You know what I mean? Yeah, he's just like dad.Ew, ew, ew! In space, no one can hear you scream.What?! In space, no one can hear you scream! I can't hear you! In spa-- Oh, I just

got it.That's good.

That's good.Thank you.That's awesome.

[ both laugh ] There's no denying it is original, But you can see the influence of pollock.

While the pattern seems haphazard and random, It belies a purposefulness -- a-an intentionality.

You know, I think what I'm responding to Is the clashing juxtaposition of color --

The bright yellow against the dark background.It's like a ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak world.

If I may take a contrary position Mm.I think it speaks to the absurdity And folly of human endeavor.Mm.

Like our futile struggle for perfection.Alex: I get it.

I got mustard on my shirt.Get over it.

I know we're joking, but all kidding aside, It really does remind me of kandinsky's -- Oh!

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x18 Las Vegas

Thank you for flying Jetblue.Welcome to Las Vegas.

Here you go, here you go.That was quick.

- You skip the line when you're on the Excelsior level.- Oh.

Oh.Three rooms adjoining, top floor.Oh.

Silver, pretty.Platinum, so don't wave that around everywhere.

People'll get jealous.Maybe wave it around a little.My friend Burt Tanner runs the hotel.

He comped us a few rooms because we sold him some closets for his high-roller suites.

Zebrawood, heated sock drawer, the works.Hey, luxury bathroom, it's me, lowly closet.

Watch your back.Mitchell? Langham? A-- d-- hey, Cam, I-it's Langham and Tim! - Hi! - Hi! - Hi! What are you boys doing here? - Bachelor-party weekend.

We're getting married in June.- What? Oh, we really wanted to invite you, but Tim's family is huge -- Relax.

We're getting married in May and you're not coming, so Mitchell.Oh, look at us moving on.It's almost like you never dumped me in an e-mail the morning after I told you

that I loved you.Well, y-- in my defense, e-mail -- it was new back then - Oh.

- And it was still a blurry line as to what was appropriate and Well, we have a pretty packed weekend.

Oh, we do.But if you guys have some time, here's our itinerary.

- Okay.

- Come play.- Oh, yeah.

- Fun.Bye.- You guys, congratulations.

- Thank you.Oh, my gosh, an actual gay agenda.

Oooh.Looks like we're not gonna see much of you two this trip.

- No.- No, no.We are not participating in any of this.

They're very judgy about bachelor parties.I offered to throw them one, and I got a whole lecture.

We're 40.We have a child.We've been together for 10 years.

That's the one.It's just not who we are anymore.

Listen to this -- "bananas and cabanas pool party." Oh, Cam.

Yeah."Most creative Speedo wins tickets to The Kilty Pleasures." - Oh.

Ah! - Please.- What is The Kilty Pleasures? - This.

We will be maintaining our dignity in the spa, thank you.I mean, come on, have you ever seen a Scottish person this tan? I'm embarrassed even looking at it.

Then stop.Whoa, that warmer drawer really works.

It's like my mom's hugging my feet again.I'm gonna go do some shopping.

Oh, well, maybe we'll catch up later.

Karry's English



No, you have your day, I'll have mine.

Well, how 'bout the bar at like 5:00? Sure.She was icing me, but I deserved it.

For the first time in my whole life, I was neglecting her.I'd been invited to audition for a secret magic society in Las Vegas, but in all my rehearsals, I'd paid no attention to Claire.

I even left her alone in a movie theater once.Oh, no.

I let Phil think I was still mad at him because I needed a little time to myself.- Yeah! - Come to mama! Yeah! Years ago, Phil and I put aside money for a trip

on our 25th anniversary, but I lost that money on a girls' weekend in Vegas.Since then, I've been on a secret mission to win that money back, and if things go well this weekend, I am even.

Vegas, you have a gambling problem, and her name is Claire.Knockity-knock-knock.

Mr.Dunphy, I presume? Yes.Who-- hi.

I'm Leslie Higgins -- it's a boy's name where I'm from.- I'm your Butler.

- Oh.Butler.

Cool.Yes.As an Excelsior guest, uh, I'm at your beck and call 24/7.

Anything you need, big or small, I can -- oh Can I just segue, sir, to the importance of discretion in my job? - I'll just pop those -- - Oh, no, no, no.

Never mind those.- As you wish.- They're for an appointment I have later.

The less you know about that, the better.A myriad of apologies, sir.

- If there's nothing else - Oh, hang on.Actually, do you know where I can get a cape laundered? - Opera or superhero? -

I'd rather not say.

I overstepped the mark by asking.

Uh, could I just, uh, quickly point out our luxury bath service, sir? We have five outrageously decadent baths that I can prepare for you at a moment's notice.

Uh, I should just point out, though, that our pharaoh's fantasy does take a dash longer, normally, because our nubian lives off-site.Um If there's nothing else, - I'll just help you with your case.

- Uh, no, uh -- - I'll get that.- Yeah.

- Yep.- All right.

Thank you.- I love cucumber water.- I know.

- If I were president -- - I know, I know.Cucumbers in the reservoirs.

- Giant cucumbers.- Mm.- Mr.

Pritchett? - Yes, hi.All right, I'll see you in 90 minutes.

- Enjoy.- Thank you.

Mr.Tucker? Mr.Tucker? We had a few no-shows for the Britney concert, so One, please.

Uh, what about Mitchell? It's Vegas -- he doesn't need to know what I'm doing.I don't need to know what he's doing.

So if you see him, maybe don't mention what I'm doing.Oh.Understood.

So, do you have anything on the aisle? Yeah? Rasputin's dalmatian drowned in the Volga.

I thought he was allergic to dogs.You're thinking of Merlin.

And it was peanuts.

Karry's English



Okay, everybody.

We have a visitor.Welcome Phil Dunphy.

- Hi.- Hey, Phil.Hi.

Hey.I'm so honored to be here.

Wow.You may recognize my -- my screen name, abracadunphy17.

That's you? You're up in the middle of the night a lot.My wife grinds her teeth.But let me tell you another story.

It's about the miracle of metamorphosis.- Uh, Phil -- - They say the only constant is change -- Phil, we're gonna get to

your trick in just a minute.Oh.I'm sorry.

Got a little excited there.The heroes of the underground-magic blogosphere -- "Flashpaper" Finelli, Kaiser

Mayhem, The Kid.When you think about it, it's crazy they're all alive at the same time.

Jay, I'm feeling a little cold.Maybe I should buy a scarf.Sure, get a couple of 'em.

Why, I know it's a little extravagant, but we're Excelsior now -- might as well look it.

Many years ago, when Jay was in Las Vegas, he bought Barkley, the doggy butler.I hate Barkley.I knew if Jay saw Rebarka, he would want her too.

Yeah, that's her name -- Rebarka.Uh, but, uh -- you know, if we're going to gamble, maybe I need my lucky

sweater.Can you go and get it in the room? Who has a lucky sweater? You wore two

different shoes to watch the super bowl.

Fine.

No, Jay! Other way.I like that way.

Sorry, sir.This is a private elevator.No need to apologize.

I'm glad you're on top of this stuff.That's only for the Excelsior level.

This elevator goes to the top floor.I thought Excelsior was the top -- 62.

Mandalay Bay has 63 floors.Top floor is Excelsior Plus.Wait, they're allowed up there? They're wearing dungarees.

Son of a bitch! Come on, let me see an eight.- I want to see an eight.

- Seven out.Sorry.We'll get 'em next time, baby.

Claire.Give me your key.

I need to charge something to your room.Hang on a second.

Four.Point is four.Okay, odds on four and a five each on "C" and "E.

" What are you talking about? It's the lady version of Barkley.I have to put it on hold so that Jay, if he sees it, he can't buy it, and then I will

cancel the charge before we leave.Winner -- four the hard way! Oh, yes! Finally! Claire, the key.Oh no, honey.

You're not going anywhere.You're my good-luck charm.

Give these a blow, beautiful.Oh! And how was your massage? So re-- So, so relaxing.

Sorry, my masseuse was blasting the Enya.

Karry's English



So, what are you gonna do next? A long soak? A long sauna? Ooh, I think a

sauna.Yeah, I think I'm gonna do a soak.

- Oh, a soak does sound nice.- Maybe I'll do a sauna.Is that -- is that glitter on your face? Oh Yeah, I think my masseuse might

moonlight.Vegas.

- All right, I'll see you in an hour.- Okay.

Yeah.Enjoy it.Really have fun.

Relax, Mitchell.- Phil, you're up.

- Okay.The miracle of metamorphosis.They say the only constant is change.

Well, all of that is about to ch-- be different.Note the simple burlap sack, the kind you'd find in any home.

If you'd be so kind as to assist me, The -- The -- The Kid, I'll endeavor to prove that some change is glacial, while some change is instantaneous.

Now, if you'd be so kind as to raise the simple burlap sack above my head and pinch my wrists.You'll note, the clock says exactly 4:02.

I have 3:15.Yeah, I have 6:35.

Kaiser Mayhem! It's what I do.Wait, it's 5:20? I actually have to call my wife.Uh, no, Phil, you can't just stop in the middle of a trick.

That's a cardinal rule.Guys, it's an emergency.

Don't tell me you've never had to call your spouse.Oh There's -- there's people for you.

Come on, Claire.

Please pick up.

- And the lady wins again.- Yes! Yes! I did it! I did it! I did it! I won back my money.

Oh, suck it, the house.- Claire, the key.- Yeah, okay, here you go.

And, hey, buy yourself something sparkly.Gloria, there's a floor above us.

- What?! - I know.It threw me, too.

Excelsior Plus.But to the people on that floor, we're Excelsior Minus.Mm, what is up there? You need a black card to get in.

All we've got is this stupid silver one.Oh, I thought it was platinum.

It's crap.Uh, why -- why don't you call your friend Burt and tell him that we need the black card? Because he's not my friend.

I never really even met him.I think I heard him cough one time on a conference call.

I don't know why he would treat me this way.- Oh, come on! - What? Oh, come on! You're Jay Pritchett! You're gonna find your

friend Burt and tell him who you are, and you're gonna get the black card, because when you set your mind on something, nobody can stop you! - Right! - Wait! Go that way.

Excuse me, how much is that doggy in the window? I had finally taken back from Vegas what Vegas took from me.

That's a feeling of satisfaction I can't describe Because it didn't last very long.- Oh, hey, Claire.- Yeah? - Have you seen Cam? - No.

- Although we should stay in one place so he can find us.- Yeah.

How about a Blackjack table? Oh, no, I'm really worn out from my massage, the sauna It was just -- it was a lot of detoxing.

You know what you need? Some toxing.

Karry's English



- No.

- Hand of Blackjack, couple of tequilas.Come on, it'll be fun.

Do it.You sound just like the kid who bullied me into smoking my first cigarette.Maybe this time you won't tell on me.

- And then hit.- Yes.

And then hit.And then stay.

Ah, ah.- I know.I have it.

- Okay.You are in a great position right now.

Oh, the dealer has 21.Hers is better.I am so sorry, Mitchell.

I promise you, we did everything right.- Don't be mad.

- I'm not mad.- Really? - T-that was -- that was thrilling.

I'm - My pulse is racing.- Yeah.Yeah.

Yeah.- Thank you so much for making me do this.

- Yeah.I'm going to play another hand.- We're going to play another hand.

- No, alone.- Not with you.

You're bad luck.- Really? Go -- far.

The minute I got rid of her, I couldn't lose.

Oh, gambling's fun.

And easy.Hey, big spender.

What are you doing? Gambling.I'm a gambler now.- Look at you, letting loose.

- Yeah.Yeah, I guess I figure whatever mischief one might get into in Vegas kind of

remains here within the limits of the city, you know? - That's a cool way to think about it.

- Yeah.- You know, I'm really glad that you came over here.- Really? Why is that? Well, I always hated the way that things ended between us,

you know? Maybe now we can go out on a better note.- That's nice.

- Yeah.Oh -- oh, my God! that's my room number.Huh.

Um, hit me.Seven.

Seven! That's 21, huh? Yes! Yeah! Ah! Whoa, check you out.I guess tonight's my night to get lucky.

I would say.- 80, okay.- Thank you.

- Maybe I will run into you again, huh? - Okay.Oh, you $120, $140, Higgins, for nothing -- nothing! I want to do something crazy.

Okay, I'm gonna order a bath.Sir, it seems to me like you've gone mad.Okay, this is what I want.

I want something romantic, but also a little dangerous.Romantic, dangerous -- might I suggest, sir, the techno bath? Your heart will throb

with the bass while your eyes take in an off-the-scale laser light show from that most intimate of V.

I.

Karry's English



P.

arenas -- your own tub.Okay.

I want that.That's what I want.Me thinks the Little Red Riding Hood may be a big, bad wolf.

Oh! I'll be back shortly with supplies.Okay! Ah, Mr.

Dunphy! How are we this evening? Not so good.I'm in a tight spot with my lady.

- Ah.- You know what might help? One of those -- one of those luxury baths.Ah, get yourself out of some hot water by getting her into some.

Wow, so good.Might I suggest the Michael Bublé bath? You are a mind reader.

I'm not a mind reader, sir.I've just been in the bath-buttling business since the early '90s, despite my fresh face, so I tend to know what these situations need.

- I'll get the water going.- As you wish.

Same price either way.Burt says he's gonna be here any minute.

We got to really lay it on for this guy -- best scotch, put on something sexy.I have a great idea! Cigars! A man like Burt appreciates a good cigar.Good thinking! Of course, upstairs, the butler would be here already.

I'm telling you, we might as well be sleeping in the basement.I said hold it, not deliver it! Okay, there.

Come here.Stay in Claire's room.Hey, honey.

I'm in the bathroom.Honey? Okay, I-I know I messed up, but sit tight -- I got a little surprise for you.

Higgins, you got a minute? belong to you, sir.I need a couple of primo cigars, A.

S.

A.

P.I'm not a stickler for how they got in the country.

I'm also expecting a special scotch delivery.I need a shave.Burt can't see me like this.

Unfortunately, the shaving butlers are all -- I know, Excelsior Plus.- Are you decent? - I am.

Well, not for long.- My partner should be here any minute.

- Is it me, sir, or is the air positively fizzing with erotic anticipation? Yeah.- Oh, I forgot the ice.- Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get it.

Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.- No, not a problem.

- As you wish.Same price either way.Oh, I-I'm sorry.

I-I'm looking for Mitchell.Oh, yeah, he's expecting you.

In fact, he's asked me to draw the two of you a bath.Wow.

- This is crazy.- Yeah.I believe that's the plan.

Enjoy.Thank you.

Oh, good.You're back.How's Claire seem? I'm sorry? You must have seen her out there.

Is she mad? W-what's she doing? Uh, she's dusting, sir.Oh, she always cleans when she's mad.

Do me a favor -- bring her a drink and tell her to get comfortable on the couch.She's -- she's allowed on the furniture, is she? She's my wife.

Oh, good! I've been looking for you.

Karry's English



Well, you should have been looking for somebody who was looking for you,

because that's what I was doing.Come on, I have a surprise for you.

Oh Yeah, I-I've been thinking we need to stop being so uptight.We are in Vegas.Let's have a little fun.

Well, I'll have to wrap my head around that, but okay.Now, I have just the way to kick it off -- something we could do together.

It's a little extreme, - but I think it might be just what we need.- Okay.

Go on in.Are you crazy? Oh, come on, Cam, we deserve this.All right, you get started, and then I'll jump in when it starts to heat up.

- Mitchell! - Come on.Then I will throw you into it, tiger.

Rub a dub dub.Dear, no.Langham.

Both of you? Huh.Well, okay.

No.No.

No, not okay.What are you doing here? You gave me your room key.- What?! - Don't act so shocked.

You told me at the bachelor party you two lead separate lives.You went to the bachelor party? Yes, and I was starting to feel bad about sneaking

around, but I guess I shouldn't have, now that I see what you're up to.I'm not up to anything! I left my key by mistake.We're all obviously tense.

Let's take a deep breath Get in the tub That's not happening.You want to tell me how you "accidentally" gave someone your key? You want to

tell me why you spent all day sipping Tequila out of some guy's navel? - You saw that? - I guessed.

Hi, guys.

What's going on? Hey, Claire.

Can you please just come back? - We're in the middle of an argument.- Oh.

Bet I know why.Are you guys getting in the bath? Or I'm way off.- Langham! - It's Tim.

- He can't know I'm here.He has insane trust issues.

- Insane? Langham, are you in there? - Go out this door.- In here.

Gloria, hurry up, will you? He's on his way up.I need to shave.Oh, you're here.

Jay Pritchett.Thanks for stopping by.

Nice robe.Like Hef, back in the day.I'm gonna cut to the chase.

I like your lifestyle.I want a taste of it.

Well, s-sure, that's flattering, but - Okay, the bathroom is all you-- - Gloria, it's Burt Tanner! That's not Burt Tanner, that's Long-ham.

Langham! What's that thing doing here? Just enjoying a dirty Martini before a cleansing romp in the bath.That's not who the bath is for.

Oh, my mistake.Welcome Claire.

You're certainly gonna be clean by the end of the night, aren't you? Jay, I forgot all my hair products! I'm going to borrow from Claire.Okay, the coast is clear.

Eee! Ay.Huh? Jay! Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Hey.Phil, there you are.

Ducky! How'd you know where I was? Magicians run this town.

Karry's English



Really? No.

I'm a shaving butler up on Plus.Look, I felt bad about how things went down today, and I-I just wanted to give

you another shot.Right this way.I really think you're gonna like what you see.

Okay, let me just get everything set up.Metamorphosis.

They say the only constant is change.I-I'm sorry, what -- I-- s-- what is that? Oh, I don't even know.

Something my wife bought.Let me just get rid of it.Here we go.

Really, uh, rubbing it in on that wife thing, huh? Metamorphosis.Burt! Nice of you to come down a floor and see how the other half lives.

If you will, raise it above my head and pinch it at my wrists.Go ahead and make it good and tight.Don't be easy on me.

Okay.Now As the lowly caterpillar becomes the majestic butterfly, as the tiny acorn

becomes the mighty oak, so, too, do we complete our metamorphosis.So, it's The Governor's Bluff.

Well, it's a huge twist on The Governor's Bluff.Eh.No, no, no, no, no! There were other elements.

You just kind of threw me off.I forgot -- I was gonna -- as a flourish I was gonna use one -- Hola.

A-- that's amazing! Y-you lull me with this -- with this hacky quick change, and the whole time, you're changing the fake dog into a hot maid? It's brilliant! It's magic! No, that's metamorphosis! Like you, Burt, I enjoy the finer things.

As a matter of fact, that's probably the Cuban I ordered for you.Hola.

Cam, if you wanted a bachelor party, you should have just said something.Well, I didn't know I wanted one until we got here.

And you're so "eh, eh, eh," - I-I was afraid to say anything.

- Okay, all right.

Lucky for the two of you, I know you better than you know yourselves, and what the two of you need is a little guilty pleasure, or should I say The scotch delivery

you had me on the lookout for, sir.I like your style, Pritchett.You're in.

Vegas.- This reminds me of my late grandfather.

- He was Scottish? - He was a stripper.- Oh.

There we go.You've got the touch, kid.I was blessed with my mother's small hands, sir.

Shall I order your complimentary, in-room, hot-stone massage? Complimentary? All part of the Excelsior Plus experience, sir.

Might be nice after a dip in your private lap pool.Oh, where has this been all my life? You know, I saw a harpist in the elevator.Can we get that for our brunch tomorrow? If it was up to me, yes, but

unfortunately, that is reserved for our Excelsior Ultra guests only.Son of a bitch!

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x19 A Hard Jay's Night

Hey! We got a package from my dad.No air holes in the box.

That's a good sign.Lily loved having that chicken.

One more time than she realized.Listen, I just got an e-mail from our wedding singer.

He has a small request.Another one? Since when does the wedding singer send us requests? Well, no, he just wants to change a few songs in your medley to avoid overlap with the stuff

that he's performing.Well, I hope it's none of my showstoppers.

Oh, they're all showstoppers.Oh, you're too kind.Oh, my gosh, it's us.

For our wedding cake.Couldn't you just die? I really think I could.

My dad made this.He's a world-class soap carver.

You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed, and my mom washed my mouth out with the leaning tower of pisa.She still blames herself to this day.

Oh, I would have nixed that wedding topper immediately, but cam and I have an agreement.

We we each got three vetoes of each other's wedding ideas no questions asked.And it it worked for A while.I think you're gonna love my wedding board.

I'm pretty excited, too.Veto.

Veto.Veto.

Veto.Veto.

Veto.

I'm sorry I'm so emotional.It's just the nicest thing ever.

You don't think that I look just a little bit I mean, my dad carved through his arthritis! Maybe it's the kicky leg.I mean, the hours his ruined hands put into this.

He found us in soap.Today, Mitchell, I know love.

I no love, either.captioning provided by 20th century fox television and abc, inc.

And brought to you by Ford.Go further.ÂÂÂ so, take your time looking around.

Thanks.I'm helping Gloria sell the old apartment that she and Manny lived in before she

met Jay.It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood with a distinct multicultural bent that's undergoing an exciting urban renewal.

That's a fancy way of saying "the gays found it." I can't believe that I lived here for five years.

Even turning the lights on was a pain.Look at this.

Keep it down, you bitch! Ay.Mrs.Rivera's still alive.

I am really digging this place.Right? The gas stove, the moldings they don't make 'em like this anymore.

I'll probably gut it.Rip it out.That's what I'd do.

I want my contractor to swing by, but I really like it.Great.

All right.Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Karry's English



Talk to you soon.

So nice to meet you.I'm not selling to him.

What? Really? He's a quality buyer.You're tired of finding renters.This is a family building.

Generations have lived there, and usually at the same time.He just wants to flip it.

Okay.I got a backup I can probably get here in an hour.

You want to wait in there? You walk in that door, you never come out.No, no, not the bar the coffee shop.Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh.But we can wait next door.

That's my old hair salon where I used to work.You can get drinks there, too.Oh.

Gloria! What's so funny? What's so funny? She thinks you're my lover.That is funny! I don't know if it's "a room full of women laughing" funny, but Ay,

Rita, no.Phil is a friend of mine, and we're just killing time before an appointment.

I hate to ask, Gloria, but my new girl hasn't shown up.Any chance you could help? Ay, of course! It will be so much fun! Oh! I don't want to ruin my nails.

Phil, would you do my shampooing? Well, I-I guess so.We've got the time.

Just a warning I haven't shampooed professionally since college, and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear.Wow.

That was super-braggy.What do we got, double sinks? What's the nozzle sitch? Not to sound too braggy,

but your mom was kind of a badass at work this week.It was hard enough with grandpa being sick and me suddenly in charge, but it

was just one crisis after another.

Luke, honey, we're going! Fire in the warehouse, surprise inspection from osha, our

biggest buyer tried to pull out of a deal, and I have to talk him off a ledge.Whatever.

It's over now.I don't want to bore you guys with this stuff.So, when I get to work on Wednesday, Margaret is already in tears, and there are

two cops in the waiting room, and I say to them, "one of you had better be able to drive an 18-Wheeler, "because I've got 100 rosewood panels to get to

victorville, or it's coming out of my paycheck." I told you guys about the drivers and the bad tuna? Bad tuna, yes.

Yeah.Yes, I did.Whew.

Hey, mom, I forgot how fun this car was.And these automatic doors and that TV in the back.

You know what else was fun? The party they threw for me at work on Friday.I mean, it was a little bit embarrassing.I didn't even know "she-ro" was a word, and there it was, in icing.

Hello, hello! Welcome to Jay's night.Names, please.

Want to make sure you're on the list.Kidding! Just excited.

Appetizers on the bar, scrabble on the coffee table, and our feature presentation, "the great escape." Speaking of which, Haley Don't worry, grandpa.

I'm not leaving.I have no plans for the night.

Me, either.But when I say it, it's news.When you say any complete sentence, it's news.

Okay, girls.Dad, you feeling better? You had a rough week, huh? Nah.

I'm fine.Looks like you had a big week.

You heard about that? Yeah, I got the blow-by-blow on all the office drama.

Karry's English



By the way, sincerely Yeah? Great Great guacamole on the bar, there.

Wow.That's it? Everything you did for him, and he doesn't even say "thank you"? I get

it.It's "hero" with a "she." Okay, I'm up to speed.

Yeah, that was cold.It's just his way.

After years of disappointment, I have learned not to expect a pat on the head from my dad.

He's not capable of it.But it has taught me a very important lesson that you girls should learn, too approval comes from within.

I knew that, mom.'Course you did, 'cause you're smart.

Hey, is lily out of the tub? We got to be at my dad's soon.Oh, no! It's not that big of a deal.We can be a little late.

No! Lily had the cake topper in the tub with her! Oh, no.How could such a terrible mistake have occurred? I think she must have just

thought it was a toy or something.Well, I hope it's not completely ruined forever.

Oh, no.Are you kidding me? My daddy uses a special shellac on this thing.This is water-resistant, heat-resistant you name it.

Good to know.Yeah, but put it someplace safe.

It could still be slippery, so be careful.Is it? Oh, yeah, it is! It's slippery! Is it okay? Ah Not a scratch.Whew! Apparently, I'm tougher than I look.

Hey, boys.Having fun? You know it.

Love us some Jay's night.Okay, we're out of here.

Kristy Hughes, a.

K.

A."Kristy huge ones," is having a pool party two blocks away.

What about Jay? He thinks we're at a party.He'll never know.We sneak out, work the room, cannonball, cannonball, and we're back in time for

dinner.Were you even invited? No.

But that's only because I don't know her or any of her friends.We're not invading her house.

Besides, this hair at a pool party one dunk, and it goes off like an airbag.Poof! What's this? You made sauce? Well, you were sick.I didn't know if you could handle it.

Back in Vietnam, I had hepatitis.Still managed to cook Thanksgiving dinner for 300 soldiers.

I think I can handle sauce.Well, I saved you the trouble.So, Margaret tells me I'm using some new delivery trucks now.

Yeah.They're hybrid.

Now, they cost a little more, but when I factored in the tax rebates you get for going green, we come out ahead.

Speaking of "green," you went a little heavy on the vegetables, huh? I'm not sure I can stomach anything that's healthy.Gosh, mom, that truck thing sounds so amazing.

Yeah! Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh.It's fine, dad.

Only do what we're capable of, right? Oh, damn.No, Stella, stay.No.

Good girl.Thank you, Stella.

Thank you for listening.Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Who's my best girl? Don't.

Karry's English



Okay, girls, we are ready for scrabble.

I'll grab some snacks.Uh, potato chips, please.

Oh, so I can hear about how much you hate yourself all night? Hello, Luke.Come on! We've got to go! That party's full of sophomores.Those women have lived.

No, we're going back inside, we're eating Jay's food, and we're playing his board games.

More like boring games.They're already called "board.

" You don't make it more clever by never mind.Okay.Thanks.

Did you work everything out with the wedding singer? Oh, yeah I'm just dropping my big finale because he's doing the same song.

"My way"? His way.Hey, guys.Sorry we're late, but we come with wine.

Oh! And whittlin'! Oh! Check it out.This is a beautiful gift my father made for the top of our wedding cake.

I guess he ran out of soap before he got to me.Darn.

For you.Ladies, check out your Uncle Mitch and cam in soap.Oh, wow! That's soap? Mm-hmm.

It's beautiful.Oh! This is my worst nightmare.

You shouldn't have blown through those vetoes.This is how cam's dad sees me like some fawning damsel.If anything, cam's the damsel.

Dad! Thank you.A lot can happen before the big day.

Believe me, I've already tried.That thing is indestructible.

Mm.

What if it went missing? Things disappear around here all the time.

Do they? All the time.Let's just say I have a friend who helps me in these kinds of situations.

I'm listening.The less you know, the better.I'm not listening.

We never had this conversation.This is a non-versation.

Right.I am giving you the No-ahead.

Oh, I miss you girls.Nobody in my white family thinks that I am funny.Honey, Hector had a life before he met you.

So I have to eat dinner with his ex? Well, you certainly don't want him going alone not with his history.

Hey.Who are you really mad at? Ay, I don't know.Come on, luisa.

Raul! Hector's going to hurt me just like Raul did! There it is.But Hector isn't Raul, okay? They're just cousins.

We need to get a move on.The client's gonna come over to the apartment at 4:00.

I am swamped.I can't just leave.Gloria, we're here to sell your apartment.

We don't work at the salon.MuchÃsimas gracias, Bianca.

No mÃ¡s texting ese hombre.It's for a young couple with a baby on the way.They're not flippers.

They're looking for a place to settle down and make a home.Okay, just move them.

If they really want it, they'll come back.But, Gloria ay, please, just help me with Anna's foils.

I have a weave emergency! Something's not right.

Karry's English



QuÃ©? QuÃ© pasÃ³? No, no, no, not with you.

You look great.You know who's gonna hate this, is a certain jealous sister.

Cinco de my, oh, my.How am I supposed to do this with so many I's on my rack? Oh! Sorry.Where's Luke? How long does it take him to get the dictionary? We described it

for him perfectly.Wait a minute.

He's not coming back.Ugh.

Move your "s." I-I'm going as fast as I can.Mitchell! It's gone! What is? The cake topper.

Lily, have you seen the little daddies you were bathing with earlier? Ew.Don't say that.

I saw Stella playing with it.What? Oh, look at her.She's all muddy.

She must have brought it outside and buried it.She does it all the time! Oh, no.

We have to go find it.Good luck.

That thing's as good as gone.Dang it! Oh! And the worst part is, we don't even have a picture of it.Do we? Okay, we can't give up.

Let's go out into the yard and look for it.Careful.

I wouldn't come between Stella and anything she's buried.She's a wild animal.No telling what she'll do.

That's a very aggressive stance.Luke! Wait! Oh.

Look at that.You left your yard, and your little shock collar didn't go off.

Luke okay, so, here's the new plan.

You hang back while I break the ice, and then, when the time is right Manny! You

made it! Who's this? "Who's this?" Excuse me, kristy huge ones, I have a name.Okay, come on.

Stop.I'm tired of chasing you all day.Then don't.

Stay as long as you want at that lame party.You want to talk? You're the dorky sidekick, not me.

Want to talk nicer? How could you be invited and I wasn't? I don't know.It's like the stuff that used to make me kind of weird, people are starting to like.

So? I'm the same as I always was.Well Maybe you could upgrade a little.Uh, we're tired of the Yoda voice, and if a girl tells you she went to London,

maybe don't ask if she also saw France.I liked things better when you were the one who was ostrich-sized.

What? You know, like a freaky outsider the way an ostrich feels around regular birds.You know what else girls like? The mysterious, silent type.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing with my sauce, there, cookie? That's yours.

This is mine.I prepped it this morning.

I figured, why not make it? Um Maybe because I already made sauce? Can't have too much.Can't ya? Hand me that ladle, huh? What are you doing? I got it.

What do you say? What? What do you say when somebody does something for you? What do you say? You want me to thank you for handing me a ladle? You

thanked the dog for staying which is basically doing nothing so I know you know the words.Fine.

Thank you for handling me the ladle.You sure those are ready? You didn't throw one against the wall.

Oh, dad, nobody does that anymore.Oh.

I guess we have new ways for doing everything now, huh? No.

Karry's English



I didn't say that.

I'm just saying that you can taste your food instead of flinging it at the wall like a chimp.

Okay.How's it taste? Huh.Uh Actually, mm, that's pretty good.

But it could use a little, um Sauce.Let me just ooh, hot.

Try a little parmesan with that? Mmm.I should probably get that bread in the oven.

Just Okay! Hey! Hey, how about we take over in here while you two get cleaned up for dinner? Yes, good idea.Uh-huh.

Yeah.Okay.

Approval comes from within.Thank you.Your sauce needs garlic.

Okay.Okay.

And that's a clock.Okay, well, do another one.

I've done like four.This dog is a worse hoarder than your Uncle Clayton.He's a collector.

Of expired yogurt? Getting tired.Cam, can we just stop, please? I feel like we've done our best, but we're just not

gonna find it.Found it! Yay! Oh! Good.Thank God.

I hadn't even told you my biggest plan for this yet.Bigger than the top of our wedding cake? I'm gonna have a mold made of it and

give a reproduction to everyone who comes to the wedding and everyone who can't come to the wedding.

Imagine hundreds of these across the country.

No! No! No! Absolutely not! I hate it! It's awful! I knew it! I knew it! It just shows

up in lily's bath, and then, all of a sudden, the dog has it? You have it in for this beautiful topper.

Look at this.Look at it.Look at it! Come on, you're all heroic and Paul bunyan-y, and I'm I'm, like, some

sissy man with with pinkish cheeks and a turned-out heel.It's a caricature.

What matters is what it represents.My daddy making this for us means he's accepted us for who we are! Don't you

get that? I never really thought about it that way.No.You hadn't.

I'm just being sensitive.I need to have a thicker skin.

I-I'm really, really sorry.No, don't don't don't be sorry.No.

And I n I don't want something at the wedding that makes you uncomfortable.Well, no, that doesn't seem fair.

I've used up all my vetoes.Well, if it I guess, if it makes you feel better, I could give you one more veto if you

give me one more, too.Okay, sure.And in the future, if there's anything the wedding singer.

Okay.Thanks, daddy.

I'll send you the perfect picture to model it on.After today, I'm convinced our landfills are 10% hair.Oh, yes.

I forgot how exhausting this is.Well, all we have to do is meet the clients back at the apartment, and then we can

head home.Ay, no.

I'm too tired now.

Karry's English



Let's reschedule.

Really? Again? Yes.Let's meet them next week.

And besides, we're late for Jay's party.Well, I'm not letting you go home looking like this.You're a little ratty back here.

Ay, no.No, no, no.

I got it.Yep.

You just relax.Oh.What a day, huh? Being back here must bring up a lot of memories.

Oh, yeah.Maybe even some emotions.

Yeah.It feels weird.No, weird's an adjective, not an emotion, but go on.

Well, it's just that my life now is so different than before so much easier.And that makes you feel? Good.

And also? And bad.Why? I don't know.

Come on, now, Gloria.I don't know.I guess it just makes me feel a little ashamed.

Now, what in the world do you have to be ashamed of? It's just that, you know, before, when I used to live here, I used to work for every penny.

I would stand on my own two feet.Now I just stand on expensive shoes that Jay buys for me.Is that why it's so hard to let go of the apartment? No, Phil, it's not that Gloria.

Maybe.Gloria.

Yes.It's the last piece of the old me.

No, no! You're going too deep! Oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.I'm sorry, but I think you're looking at this all wrong.

The old you hasn't gone anywhere.I-I-I see it in the way you're raising Manny and Joe, the way you care for Jay.You never take anyone or anything for granted.

You worked hard for years without knowing that things were gonna get better.And then the universe rewarded you.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.So you're not mad at me because I don't want to sell the apartment? No.

You'll know when you're ready, and I'll be here.Aw, Phil.You're the best.

Aw.There's no one like you.

Mmm Mnh-mnh.Yuck.Claire, that looks so good.

I can't wait to try it.Thank you.

Oh.Something has happened here.

Well, you'll all be happy to know that our search for the cake topper unearthed a number of family treasures.Come on, cam.

We're eating over here.Wait.

Didn't I give you this for father's day? And that.You see how this dog is? My karaoke microphone.Jay, check it out! The other walkie-talkie! Shame on you, Jay pritchett! You have

used this dog to bury the things that you hate.- What? - Yeah! Since when do you need help burying things? Calm down.

She buries stuff of mine, too.Look.

Everybody at the office bought me this clock last month.

Karry's English



Honey, what's the matter with you? That's a question that maybe you should

answer.Oh, my gosh! My headphones! That's the worst.

"Here's to 40 years in the business.Enjoy your new timer, old-timer." Suddenly, it made sense.

In my dad's mind, I was reaching for a torch he wasn't ready to pass.Sure, someday, I'm gonna take over his business, but not tonight.

Tonight is still Jay's night.So, dad Turns out, I did have a bunch of questions for you last week, but I didn't

want to bother you with them.I didn't want you to think I couldn't handle it.There's no shame in asking for help.

You can always call.Well, I won't need to.

You'll be in the office down the hall, right? Right.Goldilocks to papa bear.Goldilocks to papa bear.

Come in, papa bear.This is papa bear.

On location in the garage, papa bear.Got some cocoa with your name on it.

What's your 20? Oh, what the hell? What's going on? The kids unfriended me again.How am I supposed to know what's going on in their lives if they never talk to

me? Honey I got this.Yeah.

It's been kind of a rough year.Mm-hmm? New school, new kids, and now I'm taking advice about girls from a kid who has his own shoe buffer.

What?! I tried beer.Ohhh.

Wow, dad.This feels great.

Good.

Good.

You're you sure there's there's nothing on your mind? No.Why do you ask, dad? You seem upset about something.

It's just, you reach a certain age, and you start to wonder, "am I everything I wanted to be?" I mean, am I selling houses, or am I just selling out? Anything else? Alex tried beer.

Yeah.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x20 Australia

Are you getting this? I'm getting the shot.I'm just not getting what you're trying to do.

We're in Australia it's on the bottom of the globe, so everyone here but me is upside-down.

It's geography.It's a good time to tell you I dropped Luke on his head when he was 1.

Okay, I'm up.Did you drop him, too? Grab my leg, buddy.Here we go.

Oop.I come from the land down under.

He doesn't.I was conceived in Australia on my parents' honeymoon.It was a romantic summer night their summer On a blanket in the park.

I still have that blanket.Phil's mom left us money for a trip there, and when the rest of the family, they all

just jumped on board.My mom's grandfather was Australian, and she'd spend her summers Their winters

visiting him.It was a very special place for her.She always wanted me to see it.

Wait you still have that blanket? Yeah, silly.It's the one on our bed.

You sure you don't want some of this vegemite, Gloria? You don't know what you're missing.Ay, I don't eat anything unless I know what's in it.

I've seen this woman scarf down a pig's nose.Sometimes, one must travel halfway across the globe to get the clearest view of

home.This was my whole flight.

What's she talking about? My college-application essay.They want students who are worldly.

Oh, why don't you write about our trip to Hawaii when you drank straight from a

coconut? I feel like Harvard's gonna get a lot of those, so Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thanks for being a part of this pilgrimage to majestic Australia, which was

once a penal colony.Grow up.This place was really special to my mom.

She actually left me a list of things that she thought we should do Visit the great barrier reef, see the bush Really? and climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

What do you say, mates? I'm sorry, honey, but you know how I am with heights.Ah.

Is that why you never wear high heels? You guys are with me, right? Absolutely not.Nah, I'm not doing that.

No.Really? No.

Oh.No worries.That's Australian.

I'll, uh, I'll do that one on my own if I have to.I'm just so excited we're all here together.

Actually, we have to go.Yeah, so Back in the day, we knew this guy from Australia.

New Zealand.Same thing.He didn't have a lot of friends, and we felt sorry for him, but the truth is, he was

kind of annoying.He was one of those guys that was always on.

Big relief when his visa ran out.Anyway, through no fault of my own Wait, no, wait you announced on Facebook that we were going to Australia, which is where he lives.

Fergus invited us to lunch.I couldn't say no.

I could have said no.Which is why you have Yeah.

Karry's English



Claire, honey, I got to tell you, you really knocked it out of the park on the

Hanover deal.Oh, come on, dad.

That was all you.No, it was you.No, it was you! It was you.

It was your baby.This was my whole flight.

Claire took the lead on her first project at the company and scored a big one.Best part is, she beat out that arrogant gasbag Earl Norton over at closets, closets,

closets, closets.I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, face, face, face.So, what's first? I think Manny wants to see the opera house.

Actually, it was a long flight.I was thinking maybe just Hang out on Bondi Beach.

That's a great idea, Manny.Bondi Beach is topless.Thank you, tripadvisor.

Beach it is.Let's get this aussie party started! Oh, my God.

What's wrong with your mouth? Ay! Your lips are huge! I think you're allergic to the ve-he-mi-te.

No worries.I'd be a little worried.My mom said that Joe is fine, he ate, he slept, he woke up, and then he ate again.

Classic Joe.So, uh, Luke and I are gonna take a break from the sun.

Yeah.We're kind of tired.Tired of not seeing boobs.

Watching the natives take nourishment from their land has made me acutely aware of the fact that I am just saying words now.

What is wrong with me? I'm totally blocked.So am I.

Scooch.

Hi.

How's it going? Hi.Why weren't you all over that? He's totally gorgeous.

This country's number-one export is hot surfers.I'm not gonna buy the first one I see.I'm still browsing.

Ooh! Kangaroos! I'm going to buy one.Lily, what did I just say? I don't know.

Something about shoes, probably? Your dad gave you enough money for one souvenir.

Don't buy the first thing you see.You'll regret it your whole trip.You're right.

I have enough regret.You got to be kidding me.

We got outbid! What? By whom? I'll give you four guesses.Damn it.Wait a second.

They're giving us 48 hours to submit a new bid.We can do that.

We can totally do that.Let's go back to the hotel and figure it out.

Can it wait? Yeah, we're on vacation.Oh, sorry, guys.We have to do this.

This is my baby.Jay.

Dad! Claire.Gloria.Fine! You two go back to work.

Phil and I, we're going to walk to the ocean, and we're going to have more fun without you.

Yeah, we will.No, we won't.

Not at all.

Karry's English



Why would you guys even say that? So, after sitting there for 40 minutes, I tell the

waitress, "I'm actually in a hurry.Any chance of getting the eggs before they turn into chickens?" You know? And

she's a total bogan.She's like, "I've got five tables!" You know how they have the tray? She's sashaying with the legs.

"Oh, who's got the waffles?! Who who's got the waffles?!" All right, we get it.We get it.

People are looking.Oh, nothing I can do to stop that.

Well, I can think of one thing.Well, listen, Fergus, it has been great catching up, yes.But we really have to spend some time with our family today.

I'm I'm so sorry.Um, Mr.

Anderson? We are huge fans.Could we get a picture? Is that possible? Of course.Come on.

Bring it in.Sit down there.

There you go.I won't get up.

What's happening? I don't know.Google him.I didn't spring for an international data plan.

Thank you so much.You like that? All right.

Oh, my God! Hey, remember your old downstairs neighbor that could put his entire fist in his mouth? I think my fist got bigger.Wait.

Fergus, you have your own show? Ohh! Yeah.It's just a little talk show.

Wha? No big deal.It's a big deal here, I suppose, but yeah.

It's a shame you guys have got to leave so soon.

Well oh, well, you know, we could stay for a little bit longer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.That's fine.

You never finished the story about the waitress and the yeah, with the "Who had the waffles?!" Waffles?! Waffles?! I just feel bad that Claire and Jay are missing such a beautiful day in this gorgeous country, which is also a continent.

You have a lot of facts.Uh-huh.

I think this spiritual journey of yours is a wonderful thing.I think it's gonna make you feel closer to your mother.

I hope so.I miss her.It's the biggest reason I came here to connect.

Is that weird? Not at all.I talk to my late grandmother all the time.

She would have loved this place.I wonder if she's here with me now.No, she doesn't like to fly.

Isn't it wild that my mom and dad made footprints in this very sa aah! What?! Aah! Something bit me! Aah! Jellyfish! What is this? Not one topless woman.

Calm down.You're gonna spook the boobs.

Uh, wait 2:00.Ohhh.Hey, Luke! Luke! How deep is it?! Be cool! We don't want to look like idiots! I lost

my bathing suit! Manny, help me find it! I don't have my nose plug! Little boy, are you okay? Uh uh Manny, say something! Miss! Miss! He lost his bathing suit! Oh,

honey, I can help you find it.It's okay.I'm fine! Aah! The water's really clear.

Uh I love your limo! You don't think it draws too much attention to me? What are you talking abo-o-o-o-o-ut?! No.

We ended up spending a little more time with Fergus than we planned.Which, honestly, felt like growth to us, yes.

Because I think sometimes we judge people before we get to know them.

Karry's English



I cannot believe they let us in here.

How famous are you? Well, sometimes, I feel like I'm the one in the zoo.Only difference between me and this guy is I won't pee on you.

Right? Seriously, they will pee on you.Oh, for real? He will pee on us? Okay.Is that so? Turns out, we have a lot in common.

For example, we all hate standing in lines.Make sure I get copies of those.

Isn't he funny? We're with him, so we're just gonna Come on.Through you go.

Sorry.Classic Fergus, getting us in like this.Cam.

Where's the next gift shop? I cannot look at another souvenir, Lily.You did this.

Lily, relax.You'll find the perfect one.I want to believe you, but that lifeguard was the cutest boy I've ever seen.

I know.Hey, guys! Found 'em in the business center.

Come on.We got to catch the bus to the bush.

What time did you wake up? incredible work ethic.She's like a young me.Ohhh! Yung-mi was our accountant from Korea.

Died at her desk.Okay, enough work.

It's time to enjoy our vacation.Yeah.Yeah, we just got to finish up a few quick, little thi No, you're done.

Done.We're done.

Let's go.Jay, I miss you.

And besides, I don't know that I can keep Phil safe anymore.

I think he's going to die here.

Oh, it's Fergus.What? Why did he text you and not me? He invited us to a party today on Hugh

Jackman's yacht.What?! Not today! No! I want to meet Hugh Jackman! I do, too.I do, too.

But, you know, w-we can't bail on my family again.That makes us complete star you-know-what-ers.

Plus, cam, this will be fun, too.Come on.

Everybody have their sunscreen and bug spray? I got the snakebite kit.Hey, guys, we just got some really bad news.Yeah, so Walking the paths once trod by the first Australians has made me what?

Unbearable? Now, if we're lucky, we'll see some of Australia's more famous indigenous species Kangaroo, dingoes, koala.

Quick question.Oh, good another one.Isn't it true that baby kangaroos, or or Joeys, are born without hind legs? Yes.

Once again, you've correctly answered your own question.I just got a text from Earl at closets, closets, closets I know what it's called, dad.

Listen to this "Better luck next time.Ha ha.

" He always knows what to say to get my goat.I'm waiting for a quote from the lumber supplier, but this hike is three hours I'm gonna lose signal.

Let's go back.Dad, we can't just up and leave without a plausible reason wh Claire's hurt! What

happened? Well, you know what a klutz she is.Honey, are you okay? Not really.Yeah, well, I let me get her back to camp.

We're just gonna slow you down.Come on, sweetheart.

Yeah, you guys have fun.How dumb do they think we are? Sometimes, Claire leaves me pictures of food

instead of a shopping list.

Karry's English



I'm so nervous.

Are we gonna see Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit? What do we say to Hugh Jackman in a bathing suit? Oh, my God.

It's so big.That's a bit direct, but, you know, he might be flattered.Oh.

You're talking about the boat.Fergus! Fergus! Hey! Oh, guys.

Thank God you're here.Just had the worst fight with Hugh.

Oh, no.What happened? I took a shot at Russell Crowe in "Les Mis." Hugh took offense.

Oh, well, he has to know Russell was horribly miscast.He has to know.

It's not his fault.It's not his fault.He was the acting was fine, but Okay, let's get on this boat and fix this.

Come on.Yep.

Fix it.That's not the boat.

They've already gone.Hugh was standing on his deck in a skimpy, little bathing suit, disappointed look on his face.

Wait.I'm s wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Skimpy? I'm sorry standing on his what? On his deck.Of the boat.

Got it.Okay.

You know what? We don't need them.I'll hire a boat.

We'll have our own party! This is the life, eh, boys? Oh, s so we're not taking this

to a bigger boat? A bigger boat! Have a meat pie.No, thank you.

No.No, thanks.Are you okay, Phil? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just wish Claire was here to see all this.Ah.

Plus, my foot's twice its normal size, and the mosquitoes are really going after my jellyfish bites.

Look! A sign! What? You wanted to see a kangaroo, and now you see one.I think this is your mother trying to tell you that the rest of the trip is going to be magical, Phil.

That is so my mom, to say it with a kangaroo.Look.

So beautiful.Okay, but be careful.You're gonna scare him.

G'day, mate.Hey.

Hey, aren't you gor This one.No, this one! No, this one! I can't breathe! Shopping with lily is the best birth

control in the world.Yeah.But you know it's not, right? Ooh! This one! Thank God.

Hurry up and buy it.Wait.

What if there's a better one later? Let's keep looking.No, no, no! You are buying that.You're never gonna find anything better.

I never found a hotter lifeguard, okay? This is perfect, and it is right in front of you.

Here.Thanks.

Hey.

Karry's English



I really love your accent.

Wow.Thank you.

I would like to return this.Penny for your thoughts? Boobs.Me too! What's our problem? I freaked out when those things came at us.

I think I could've handled one, but they ganged up on me.Hey, boys.

How would you like to participate in an aboriginal walkabout? No, thanks.Why don't you ask those girls over there? This walkabout's for men only.

Trust me we're not men.Sounds like you need this more than anyone.Quick come here.

Perfect.Now we're wearing makeup.

Ohh.You have got to be kidding me.Okay, can we walk to the bush? Nah.

Dispatch is sending a cab in an hour.An hour.

What?! No, cam, we deserve this.We deserted our family, we abandoned our daughter, and for what? Huh? We're

not just star you-know-what-ers.We're you-know-what-holes! You know lily's not here, right? Oh, my God.Please be cool.

I'm always cool.Hello! There's some pretty fancy shoes.

Thank you? So, listen, we don't want any trouble, uh, but my my friend and I "Friend"? Really? Yeah.We have a little cab Problem.

Our cab broke down, and we are trying to get to our daughter The daughter my friend and I have together.

Well, that ain't right.Daddies should be with their little girls.

Seriously, where can I get a pair of them shoes? He wants your shoes.

Give him your shoes.

What? All right.I don't want your shoes.

I want to get me own.He doesn't want your shoes.Put your shoes on.

I knew it! Gloria, don't be mad.Too late! I know this looks really bad, but you have to understand that this is my

Your baby?! I know.And you should be ashamed of yourself! You have a husband who is on a spiritual

journey and was punched by a kangaroo! What?! Gloria! Honey, I just heard.How did you get punched by a kangaroo? Really hard.In the face.

Oh.I'm sorry.

Oh, boy.Is there anything I can do? Could you stop working and sit with me for a while? Yes, of course I can.

Thank you.Okay.

Be be soft.Okay.

Thank you.Aw, baby.Oh, my God.

Phil.Ow.

Ohhh! Honey! Ow! Phil! A wild dog took my laptop! Seems like a missed opportunity.Honey, if you want to work, just say so.

No! It happened! It just happened! I didn't see anything.I didn't see you get hit in the face by a kangaroo, but I believe you.

Come on! Help me get it! No! You're on your own! Like I've been this whole trip! Ow! For God's sakes! Gloria, stop! Let me explain! Fine but the explanation better

Karry's English



not be that this is an important account and you're on a deadline and blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah! Oh.Well, I'm gonna need a minute to think.

I did not leave Joe, fly across the world, to see you spend all your time working! You're missing the whole vacation! Not the first wife to tell me that.So how many wives need to say it before you listen? What's that? I'm not gonna

tell you.If you were here, you would know what that is.

I don't know what that was.But I was not going to give him the satisfaction.

Ow! Damn it! Why, Australia?! Why?! Hey, mate.How's it going?! Everything okay here? Not really.You don't mind me saying, you look a bit beaten up.

Yeah.I love your country, but your country doesn't love me back.

Australia's rejected me.You see this right here? That's from a croc bite.This one here on my back I was hit by a tram in Melbourne.

This right here That's an irregular mole.Should probably get that checked out.

Uh-huh.Point is Australia is nice to tourists, but it's tough on its own people.

Congratulations, mate.You're one of us.Are you saying what I think you're saying? I think I am.

I'm crocodile Dunphy? That's not what I was saying at all.Is that a kookaburra, which are born blind, or Mom? There you are.

Oh! Dad, the laptop is gone.We've got to get back to the hotel right now.It's still fresh in my mind.

I think I can just piece it together Claire.Yeah? Let it go.

What? No! I-I poured my heart into this.And don't you want to stick it to Earl? Doesn't matter.

Go be with your family.

Remember when you were a kid? We'd take the family trips? I'd disappear for days

to work.Yeah.

Don't be me.I feel like I'm letting you down.What are you talking about? I finally get to spend a little vacation time with my

daughter.Yeah.

Mmmmmm.What is that? Lily! We're here! Daddies love you! Daddies! Ohh! Ohh! Oh, my

gosh! Oh, this place is beautiful! That's our bus! Time to go! What do you mean? Who are these guys? Who's this guy? Oh.Honey, I am so sorry.

From now on, I am all yours.I promise whatever you want to do.

Phil, this is not what I had in mind.You're doing great, honey.What is a bridge? It's a connecter, a supporter, and sometimes, it's a metaphor for

the love Oh, my gosh! Stop!! Come on! Into the desert, I run Into the blinding sun Hello, from the great barrier reef! I know that you will come To have and to hold

Whoa! That was awesome! I may be searching my whole life through I may be standing right next to you This time, I'll know just what to do To have and to hold

Yes! And I can see Quite clearly now Thank you for choosing to fly qantas on our nonstop flight from Australia to Los Angeles.I feel a little guilty sitting up here without the family.

I don't.Me, either.

Don't you think it's a little rude that they're sitting up there? I would never do that.Boy, you tense up fast after a vacation.

I swear, that's Hugh Jackman up there.I saw him when we boarded.

I don't think it's him.Oh, well, I'm gonna go find out.

Cam, no.

Karry's English



Cam, come on.

Let him go, or none of us will get any sleep.Hey, guys.

Just saying hi.'Scuse me.I don't think he belongs up here.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x21 Sleeper

Yeah honey, Mitchell helped mepick up the shirt. You're gonna love it.

Oh, I wish I couldpick you up some lip gloss,

but we are already in the car!Okay, bye, honey.

Getting pretty good, huh?Yeah, but you were always good.I'm just glad

you stuck with it.Seriously?

What?It's playing itself.Well, I didn't know.

You honestly thought that I justbecame a piano virtuoso, dad?

You've known me my whole life.Have you ever

seen me take a lesson?I thought maybe you were self-taught.Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.

- Like when I taught myselfto play the clarinet. - Exactly.

I never played the clarinet.Can we drop it?Let's go get an ice cream.

What aboutmy lactose intolerance?

Oh, I'm not loving this game.This sucks.

My teacher gave memononucleosis.

As a parent, I feel

I should ask about this.Slow down. It's not like she gets

that many tugs on the line.It's for A.P. Bio.We have to write a report

about a disease,and I got the worst one.

This is a joke.Actually, it's pretty serious.

Back in college, I caught monofrom my roommate, Ling.Served us right

for fooling around.Never share a flute, kids.

Hey, can you drop me offat the library?Sorry. I'm meeting some friends

at that coffee shop on Lake.You mean the one

next to the library?That's a library?

I thought it was a churchfor a religion thatdidn't allow makeup.

When is the washing machinegonna get fixed?

I'm wearing a swimsuitunderneath my pants.Everybody's gonna have

clean clothes soon.The repair guy's

supposed to come todaybetween 10:00 and 2:00.

Oh! Honey, can you

Karry's English



be here for that?

Can I sit around in an empty houseand wait for someone?

Baby, I'm a realtor.I have a license for that.- You sure you don't mind?

- Go. Run your errands.It'll give me a chance

to get started on these dishes.Oh, good.

All right, come on, Luke.All right.See you guys later.

Oh. More dishes than I thought.That lasagna's gonna be

a tough one.Somebody's gonna needa scrub brush.

Hello?What?

No... way!June 10, 1988.

Carla Concannon and Ispent the afternoonfrolicking at the public pool.

Later, at her house,things got private

while a 45 of carly Simon's"Nobody Does It Better" played.It was my first time,

her first time...With me.

I always thought it'd be funto own that 45.

When the record store

finally called that morning,

I ran right down soI wouldn't miss the repairman.

I had to have it.It was the chance to relivethose magical 3 minutes

and 42 seconds,which was also

the length of the song.But then it dawned on me --

I was cheating on my wifewith the red-hot memoryof another woman.

I could not let Claire find out.I had to destroy the evidence.

Luckily, I'm cool under pressure.What?! No!When did he...?

Come on!There were a couple of snags,

but I think I coveredmy tracks pretty well.

I'm so sorry it took so longto get you these clothes.I left them in the back of my car

and completelyforgot about them.

Sounds familiar.I was in the pharmacyfor three minutes.

You had a cracked windowand a juice box.

Let's retire that story.Can I wear this

for the family photo?

Karry's English



Oh, honey, that's adorable,

but, you know,Gloria wants us in jeans

and a black t-shirt --classic and casual.And then maybe afterwards,

we can stop byand change the scenery

in a high-school play.That is a really cute dress.

Oh, yeah, thank you.Just got it yesterday.Really?

It reminds me of somethingI gave you six months ago.

Do you ever put herin the girls' hand-me-downs?- Oh, yeah. All the time.

- Really?Because if my girls' old clothes

aren't to your taste,I could always just...

give them to somebody else!Okay, calm down, Claire.Your voice is getting to that pitch

that disturbs our cat.Hey. Oh, my God.

00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:07,852You will not believewhat dad just said.

- So, we're at the mall, right?- Mm-hmm.

And there's a piano there.I sit down behind it.

- I start --

- Come on, Mitchell.

He's just not wired for compliments.I'm sure your playing was great.

I don't play the piano.I've never taken a lesson.- Are you sure?

- Oh, my God.My own family

doesn't even know me.Mitchell, please.

Don't be so sensitive.You don't see me pitching a fitbecause Cam is

too much of a snobto use our hand-me-downs.

Sn-- I'm sorry -- snob?I will have you know I comefrom simple farm folk.

There is permanent dirtunderneath these fingernails

from working the soil.Really?

I had no idea thatre-potting your orchidscounted as "working the soil."

Okay, they're in soil, are--You know what?

I don't want to talk about this.- Mm-hmm.- I don't need to listen to this.

I'm gonna go outand get some air.

I know the feeling.Retire it.

Seriously.

Karry's English



Does Joe look

a little pale to you?This whole country

looks pale to me.I think he needs a little colorfor tonight's photograph.

What do you think is the minimum agefor a spray tanning?

Now that Joe is hereand that his head

is finally normal-shaped,I decided to takea new family portrait.

Hola!How did it go at the mall?

Bought a shirt,angered my son --another successful outing.

Ooh. I've been wanting to do this.Quick -- what's the ring

around an angel's head?- What?

- Halo!You did the angel one!Ordinarily, I'd be delighted,

but this isn't gonna beone of our fun chats.

You mean likethat time you called mewhen you saw that blimp?

It was so low, they waved back.I'd done a pretty good job

eliminating all tracesof that record,

but there was still

one loose end.

You know, earlier today,when we ran into each other

on the street?I didn't see you.You didn't see me.

Okay, so you're sayingwhatever either one of us

might have been doingwill remain forever --

I didn't see you.You didn't see me.Just to be c-- hello?

Jay's so cool.He gets it.

I didn't know whathe was talking about,but I needed him

to keep his trap shut.You see, lately,

I may have been dabblingin something that...

strong, virile men like mearen't suppose to be dabbling in.And it wouldn't exactly

fit my imageif people found out

I was considering entering...a certain adorable dogin a dog show.

Gloria thought I was outgetting my tires rotated.

Actually, I was buying Stellaa decorative show collar --

you know, just in case.

Karry's English



I figure if she looks beautiful,

she'll feel beautiful.Guess who we ran

into at the library.How would I know?I was here the whole time.

Sanjay Patel.He's got Crohn's disease.

- No!- I know. So lucky.

He's totally going to winthat science scholarship.He should use it

to find a cure for baldness,'cause that kid is 16

with a comb-over.That's it!I'm just gonna pick a new topic.

I want a disease thateveryone in the school

is going to talk about.All right!

- Hey!- Hi! Wow!Why are you standing there?

'Cause I missed you.I love you so much.

Oh, wow. Love you, too.How'd it go with the repair guy?The repair guy came,

but I missed him."Why? What were you doing?"

"Listening to a record.""What record?"

"It's not important."

"Phil!"

"The soundtrack to my firstsexual experience

"that I think aboutfrom time to time.Honey, where are you going?!

Don't take the kids!"He didn't show up.

What?! That is so annoying!I know. Put away your groceries.

I'll call him and reschedule.No, no, no, no, no.You are too nice.

I am calling.I am not resting till I get

to the bottom of this.It's no big deal.It's not the first time

I've been stood up by some guy.Oh, listen to your words, Phil.

Yep. Yep.She called me a snob, Mitchell.

I'm -- oh, I'm sorryif I don't rushto throw Lily in every

bargain-bin ragClaire tosses our way.

You're not really sheddingthe "snob" tag with that.Look, why don't we just put Lily

in one of Alex's shirtsfor the picture tonight?

She'll see right through that.No, you're thinking

of Haley's shirts.

Karry's English



No, I mean it'll look

like we're doing itjust because she brought it up.

Well, I know. That's whyI'm looking for a photoof Lily in a hand-me-down

to show Claire,but I-I can't seem to find one.

By the way,I'm barely in any of these.

Mitchell, are you suggestingwhat I think you're suggesting?Yes! Sometimes I feel like

this family looks right past --you're suggesting that

we stage a photograph.Put Lily in some hand-me-downs.Make it look like

it's from the past --Christmas, say --

just to prove Claire wrong.Simplicity itself.

That's not remotelywhat I'm saying --Mitchell, don't

second-guess yourself.It's simplicity itself.

Yes, once again, I would liketo speak to a supervisor.Listen, if my husband said

nobody came, nobody came.Dad, it's your move.

No, I think I should justplay it cool for now.

I'm so sorry.

Score!

I got a disease that'srare and fun -- narcolepsy.

The company swears thatthe driver was here at 10:00.They're putting him

through to me right now.- I'm gonna chip away at his story.

- Mm-hmm.Let's see how

you get out of this.I'm thinking.It's a neurological condition

where people under extreme stressactually fall asleep.

It's like a wayfor the brain to escape.I bet he was doing

something he shouldn't have.I'm just gonna let him keep talking

till he makes a mistake.Everybody makes mistakes.

And the noose tightens.Why were my headphonesin the couch?

Oh, good. You do keepGPS logs on all your drivers.

There's no way out.Let me just write down your name.Hey, does anybody need

a receipt from Flipside Records?Damn it!

I didn't even see that!Wow.

I see you're registered

Karry's English



for tonight's show.

First one, huh?Yeah.

I'm not sure I'm comfortablewith that wholeprancing-in-a-circle thing

in front of everybody.Can someone else run her

through her routine?It has to be the owner.

I suppose that's the best.We have a rapport.All right. See you at 5:00.

At 5:00.Uh, I got a family thing at 5:00.

Do these thingstend to start on time?Of course. It's not a cat show.

Well, I better speed it along.Come on.

Ugh. I can't believe mommade me take you here.

This is my only black shirt,and mom needs me to wash it.Wow.

It's only when I seethe less fortunate

that I realize how luckymy clothes are.All the machines are taken.

We're gonna have to wait.Oh, I am not spending

any more timein fluorescent lighting

than I have to.

You're gonna sneak your shirt

in with someone else's load --like that guy's.

Go that way. I'll distract him.Excuse me.Haley?

Oh, my God. Kevin.It's "Keith."

You really don't rememberthe guy you abandoned

at Coachella?I didn't abandon you.I-I texted you.

That deejay put me in a trance.Yeah. It's -- it's almost like

you were using me for tickets.Oh. That's crazy.Can you get those again?

Or was that just, like,a one-time thing with your uncle?

It was a one-time thing.Okay, so, good seeing you.

Yeah.- Remind me never to date you.- You wish.

Please. I could totally get you.Like to see you try.

All right, Lily,can you come in here, please?It's Christmas already?

Yay!Ah. Probably should

have prepped her.Okay, no, it's not

actually Christmas.

Karry's English



We're just gonna take

a fun photo.Which I am going to be in

because I am a member of the --Where is my stocking?Oh, relax.

It's not in the shot,and neither are you.

Here-- I want you to take the picturefrom right over here.

This way. Okay, great.Lily, I want you to put this onand then stand in front of the tree,

and we'll pop a shot off.Ooh! Look at all

the pretty presents!Those are just empty boxes.You're killing me!

I don't know which one it is!I didn't see him put it in!

Wait! I think I found it.He's coming!

What?! No!What are you doing?Uh, I-I saw that

your laundry was done,and I was gonna fold it

for you to make us evenfor what you thought thatI did that I didn't do.

Even?I held your popcorn

for eight hourswaiting for you to come back.

I walked all the

parking areas twice,

checked every medical tent.By the time I got back to my car,

it had been broken intoand the battery was gone.I had to trade my festival pass

for a ride homein a horse trailer.

But...looks like someone

got a concert t-shirt.Dad, is thereanything bothering you

that might be causing --I don't know --

major psychological stress?No. I've been actingnormally, haven't I?

Did something happen earlier today?Uh, nothing at all.

Because you seema little tense.

What? No, I don't!Stop badgering me!I love your mom!

Let's listen to some music.Boy, the way you cook things up

sometimes, it's a little --- Dad!- What?!

You fell asleep!It's like the fifth time today.

I think it has somethingto do with that guy

not showing up to fix

Karry's English



the washing machine.

Well, that's not exactlywhat happened.

You snuck out to buy"Nobody Does It Better"from Flipside Records,

and he showed up?That's more exactly

what happened.How do you know all this?

I've been watching you all day.I think the guilt from that has beencausing you to fall asleep.

So you know about Carla?I do now.

- Dad!- What is happening?!I was skeptical about the jeans

and t-shirt, but I like it.Any chance the photographer

could fire off a couple solo shots?Look at the bottom of Joe's face.

What happened?Did you leave him in the sun?No, I took him out

for five minutesto give him a little color.

I must have not closedthe visor all the way down.Why is it so important

to you that he has color?Because we're sending

this pictureto our family in Colombia,

and I have a son that

doesn't even look Colombian.

Now they're gonnalook at this picture,

and they're gonna thinkthat I am a terrible mother,that I can't even

take care of my own child.I think your reputation is set.

I can still do this with my arm'cause I slept

in the sink till I was 3.Ha-lo!People are here.

I'll deal with Joe.- Okay.

- Come on, buddy.Ohh. Come on.Hola. Claire is on her way.

Dad, you have to confess to mom.Clearing your conscience

is the only way to make this stop.Really?

I hope so, or else I have to rewritethe whole end of my paper.Just the two of you?

Where's the rest?I had hoped to get this picture

thing wrapped up by 5:00!They're all coming separately.Cam, do me a favor -- call Mitchell

and light a fire under him.I'm right here, dad.

Oh. Good.I didn't see you come in.

You opened the door for me.

Karry's English



You thanked me for bringing

a bottle of chardonnay.Doesn't sound like me.

Hey, guys. We're here.Finally. Let's do this. Luke,where's your black shirt?

Right here.I'll get changed.

All right. Shake a leg.- Hey, sweetie.

- Hi!- Hey.- Hello.

Hey, Lily, be careful.Don't get anything

on that beautiful outfit.Recognize it? Look familiar?Yes, I do, but I hardly think

that putting her in oneof Alex's hand-me-downs

proves anythingafter I pitched a fit.

Well, first of all,I think it's really healthythat you do admit it was a fit.

But if you need further proof,I'm sure I could find

a photograph over here.Sure. Go ahead.- Mm-hmm.

- No me.No me.

No me.Ah. There we are...

Christmas morning last year.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's Alex's old pajamas!I'm so sorry.

I owe you an apology.Sometimes I can be really --what's that?

Uh, the calendaropened to December,

the half-eaten cookiesfor Santa Claus,

the nibbled-on carrots for reindeer?I don't know.No, that looks like

last month's Vanity Fair.Oh, well, you know,

every month's "young Hollywood."Mm, and didn't Lilyjust lose that tooth?

Nope, it's still there.It's just dirty.

Christmas-morning chocolates.Uh, and I am quite sure

that's a reflection of Mitchellin the clothes he waswearing this morning.

Oh, yay, I finallymade it into a picture.

Just couldn't change, could you?You are a snob.- Okay, you know what?

- You're a snob.It hardly takes a snob

to recognize- the clothes you put your children in...

- Snob!

Karry's English



...are uninspired at best.

- Oh, really?!- Claire, Cam, enough!

Everybody in this familyhas good taste.It's just different.

It's causing too many fights.That's why today

I just put everybodyin a simple

t-shirt-and-jeans outfit.There's a new rulefrom now on --

nobody gives clothesto anyone else's children.

Well, I think that'sprobably for the best.Thank God I don't have to spend

one more of Joe's birthdayswith a funny smile on my face.

Thank you, Cam.He loves it.

Twinsies!Yay!Okay, everybody,

it's picture time.Where's Luke?

Right here.Honey, what are you wearing?Is that a girl's shirt?

I guess I grabbed the wrong onefrom the laundromat.

If I'm being honest,I don't hate the way it fits.

It must be that guy's

girlfriend's shirt.

Is it bad that that makes himmore interesting to me?

Yes. Stay away.Don't worry about Luke.We'll stick him in the back row.

Not everyone can looktheir best in the picture.

Joe's ready.What did you do to him?

You want him to lookmore Colombian.What's more Colombian

than the Colombian flag?He's perfect.

Not a banner dayfor my male heirs.Claire, you're in the back.

Phil, you're behind Claire.No rabbit ears.

I don't want you messingaround behind Claire's back.

- Dad!- Cameron, Lily, come on in.It's picture time.

- Honey.- Mm-hmm.

There's somethingI need to tell you.Uh, you know

how you can treasurespecial moments in your past

that in no way diminish thespecial moments in your present?

Yeah, sweetheart,

Karry's English



it's called having a memory.

Okay, I wouldn't minda friendlier tone

- as I move through this.- What did you do?Up, up, up, up, ah!

No, that's the wrong way,sweetheart.

What fell out of Lily's pocket?Is that a diamond ring?

Huh. That'll gogreat with your shirt.It looks real.

It is real.A small occlusion,

but very good color.This is Claire's.No.

- Claire's got her's on.- Yeah.

Ay, Phil, please,you cannot tell the difference

between this beautiful,but a small, diamondand that chunk of glass

that should have madeher finger fall off weeks ago.

I feel like I amgetting you in trouble.Picture time!

What's happening?Okay, don't be mad.

Um, I lost my real ringa few months ago,

and I just realized

it must have fallen

in the box of clothesI gave to Lily.

Why'd you take it off?Well, I got pulled over,and I wanted to flirt

my way out of the ticketby pretending I was single

and it worked,and I kind of liked it.

And then I felt so guiltyabout liking itthat I just wanted

to erase the whole thing.So you lied?

Yes. I lied.I'm sorry.Does that make me

a terrible person?- No, no. Are you kidding me?

- No?We've been married

for a long time.Of course we're gonnahave our little secrets.

The important thingis that we know the difference

between a harmless indulgenceand a real indescret--Gloria?

- Left.- Thank you.

Okay, it's picture time!Everybody, hurry up.

Get in your positions.

Karry's English



- All right?

- Oh.All right, I think that

everyone is here.Okay, ready?And smile!

- Are you kidding me?- Oh.

Nobody noticed I wasn't here.What does it take

with you people?!Ay, Joe, my baby, are you okay?Yeah, yeah, maybe --

maybe that -- that's what it takesfor you to pay attention to me --

throw a temper tantrumlike -- like Joe.I could just throw a big...

temper tantrum that --or if I make a mess

of everything and...I feel like that

was aimed at me.You want to talk about it?Or I could just play some piano.

So I'm in the ballpark.Look.

If it seems sometimeslike we don't notice you,maybe that is because

we are focusedon our own stupid problems,

and you're so steady.Oh, you mean boring.

- No.

- Yeah.

Calm.Because you live your life

the way you want to.In fact, you inspired me recently.- Oh, how so?

- Well...Fine.

I've been goingthrough this thing lately.

It all started when I noticeda group of guysin the corner in the park.

And, uh, honestly, when I firstfound out what they were doing,

I thought it was kind of weird,but I found I keptthinking about it.

And I thoughtI'd give it a whirl.

Ok-- okay. Go on.I think you know

where I'm going with this,but one of the older guysshowed me the ropes.

Next thing I know,I'm hanging out at that park

in that corner every dayand loving it.Uh-huh.

But I must have alsogot some shame about it

because it feels goodwhen I'm doing it, but...

Is that me now?

Karry's English



A guy with a show dog.

There it is!Okay, see,

I-I knew what it wasn't.I just wasn't sure what it was.In fact, there's

a show right now,but... ah, I'm not gonna go.

No, no. D--- I could tell this is important to you.

- No.You -- you should go.You should go.

I don't want to sneak out,and I don't want people

to know about it.Dad.A wise man once told me,

"I don't get it,but if that's who you are,

don't you darebe ashamed of it."

I did handle that kind of well.Yeah, yeah, well...And it wasn't easy.

I just never picturedmy kid a lawyer.

It's scary to let peoplesee the real you,even when those people

are your own family.But aren't they the ones

we should be least worried about,the ones who will love us

without judging,

who forgive our faults and

celebrate our imperfections?Maybe even encourage us

to let our true selvesshine through?Wait, wait. Hang on.

Wait, wait.Okay.

I think you look beautiful.I look old.

All my cousinsare going to see this.Click the button that makes

my wrinkles go away.- What happened?

- Nothing.It's not nothing.You're limping!

Were you trying to dothe Russian dance again?

It was just something stupidI was trying out,

and I don't even know why,since it's basically impossible.Gloria. Gloria!

Check it out.Is this not the cutest thing

you've ever seen?She did that on her first try.He loves it, too.

Oh, oh, sure.Rub it in, Joe.

Attagirl!Here she comes this way!

Now she's just showing off.

Karry's English



Both ways.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x22 Message Received

Oh, New Yorker, you've done it again.- Jay, check out this cartoon.

- Does it have a talking dog? - No, it's a commentary - I'm out! Here you go, one of my best efforts.

Have at it.Mm, I can't eat that.

- Why not? The pickle's touching it.There.The juice got on the bread and, ew, what's that stuff? - Spices.

- It looks like sea monkeys.Have you ever really examined a jar of pickles, Jay? It's like a swamp in there.

I'll pass.What happened? I made him a beautiful sandwich, and he won't eat it.Yeah, 'cause it had pickles on it.

Joe is taking a nap.I'm gonna go to the dry cleaners.

Well, if you're passing a Sushi restaurant -- She's not.I've never heard of anyone not liking pickles.

Aw, big day for you, then.I'm just gonna make myself a grilled cheese.Do we have any fig? Sit down.

This whole persnickety thing is not gonna fly in the world.Never hand people another reason to make fun of you.

You mean like all the cool kids with their leather jackets and their pickles? Well, you're gonna sit there until you at least try a pickle.You're drunk with power.

You got that right.- Oh, no.

- What? The Tonys are coming.Cam, this is exactly why I don't want you watching them -- you're already so

angry.Not that Tonys -- Anthony Lamarque, Botox Tony.

They're coming to the wedding.

But, seriously, another revival of "Anything Goes"? Are we really doing this again? I'm surprised that they're coming, because when I mentioned the wedding to

Tony, he seemed completely disinterested -- Oh, the Botox.Oh, no.Your cousin Pete, all of his kids.

Everyone's accepting, Mitchell! We haven't even gotten the list from my dad yet.And your dad's friends drink like soldiers.

Because they were soldiers.I mean, I am grateful for their service, but we are not gonna be able to afford this

wedding.Okay, maybe we need to pull back on a few things.Like what? Uh, the centerpieces? Why even have a wedding? I don't know, Cam.

Because we love and respect each other and we're raising a child together? Do you want to help or not? Ooh! Maybe we could send un-vitations.

Is that a thing? We've already made a lot of people angry by just being able to get married.Let's not alienate the ones on our side.

All right.Maybe we could sell something.

We're thousands over budget.It would have to be something great.

Here, you can sell my diamond ring.Oh, honey, that's candy.I'm gonna kill that Jackson! I do have something of value -- a "Spider-man Versus

Doctor Octopus" comic book.Issue number 3, 1963, near-mint condition.

It's worth 5 grand.I traded a football for it when I was 9 years old, and my dad was mad because the football was signed by Damarino.

I said, "get it signed by Rita Moreno, and I'll keep it." Oh, no.

My nephews are flying in from Tulsa -- the big ones.The pie eaters? That's it.

I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.

Karry's English



This here is a belt buckle once worn by the great Wyatt Earp.

My grandpa gave it to me when I was 7 years old, and he said,"son, this will keep the bad guys away.

" In my early 20s, I wore it to a cowboys-and-indians disco party.And let's just say it didn't.No.

I can't let you do that.That means the world to you.

Cam, I will sell my "Spider-man." Mitchell, my belt buckle was owned by a legend of the old west.

I don't think your comic book would even cover our balloon budget.Well, that's very offens-- Wait.What's the balloon budget? Hey, mom, can we put this stuff somewhere else? It's

cluttering up my room.What is it? Oh, just some mementos of mine.

A few of your dad's.- Oh, Zima! - Yeah.What's Zima? Just a party in a bottle.

Man, that reminds me of some wild times.Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn before me and my buddies snuck some "Z" into

"Sleepless in Seattle." I wish you'd covered my ears for that.

Ooh, mom.Who's this hottie with his arm around you? Cute! Oh, that's Bobby Nash, my old boyfriend.

Why'd you break up with him? For dad? Let's just say he took his eye off the ball and struck out.

So I stepped up to the plate and nailed her in the cheap seats.Yeah, let's not say that.Well, I'm off.

Oh, honey, I've got to stop by the drug store.Do you need anything? No, thank you, my dear.

The Dunphy glands produce all the drugs I need.Except for, uh, foot spray.

Could you grab me some of that? Sure.

Oh, wow, mom! What a dork, right? What were you thinking? It was comfortable.

My dad didn't approve.Enough said.

I know it's hard to believe, but I was actually a bit of a nerd back in the day.And it was suggested that I was out of my league when I landed Claire.By Jay, mostly.

And my friends.A-and my parents.

And Claire.What's this? Oh, my gosh.

That is your father's answering machine from college.God, I sometimes forget how old you guys are.You've reached Phil's world! Party time! Excellent! Schwing! He's so cute.

Hi, Phil.This is Mitchell, uh, Pritchett, Claire's brother.

I just wanted to thank you for setting me up with your cousin.She was very nice.Ooh.

The only problem is she lives kinda far, so That's the only problem? Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling.

Grab your rollerblades and meet us at the bike path, playa! But I got to be done by 3:00, 'cause today's the day I fly my new helicopter.

Phil, hey, it's Claire.Um I need to tell you something, and I don't want to do it on your machine.It's really important -- - Oh, no, no, no.

- You know, life-and-death important.- Come on.

Come on.- Not death, um, just life.I mean I just -- oh, hell, I'm pregnant! Oh, sweet newlyweds! Don't worry.

You don't have to marry me or anything.Let's talk as soon as you can.

Why weren't we more careful? Stupid Duran Duran concert.All right! That's enough.

I was conceived at a Duran Duran concert? Classy start to a classy life.

Karry's English



You were not conceived at the concert.

It was after the concert.Oh, wha-- in the car?! It was a very nice car.

Listen, I am done.Stop snooping.I'm going.

The seats folded all the way back.Oh, images.

I can't believe they kept it.I have a name.

The answering machine.You know, we could have some fun with this.I'm home! Hi, mom.

Manny, what are you doing sitting in front of a pickle? Jay says I can't leave until I taste it.

Why do you torture him like this? 'Cause he's too stuck in his ways, Gloria.This is good for him.He'll taste the pickle, he'll find that he likes it, he'll try more things.

This is good parenting.This is not going to play well in my memoir.

You know, you're one to talk.How many times have I asked you to try my mother's blood sausages? Totally

different.That's disgusting.How do you know it's disgusting if you've never tried it? You've never tried

grandma's delicious blood sausage that's right there in the freezer? Oh, you're right.

We do have some left over.Really? It hasn't been all gobbled up yet? Okay, Mr.Father of the Year, time for you to show Manny that you're not a hypocrite.

Looks like you're in quite a conundrum.You know, you could've said -- "A pickle"! Dang it! It was right there.

Hello.Hi.

Can I help you? Uh, yes.

Um, I have something pretty special that means the world to me, yet I gladly part

with it to prove my love for my fiance? - Cam, you don't have to -- - I do.This is a belt buckle that was once owned by the legendary Wyatt Earp.

And when my grandfather gave it to me God rest his soul, he said: "son, this here is, um-- - Ok? - I can't be here for this.You do it.

And get a price on that divine lamp.Um, anyway Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of your fiance? But this is

a cheap replica given away by a gas-station chain in the '60s.There's tons of them out there.

It's worth about 20 bucks.Are you sure? Pretty sure.That family loves to dress up a story.

And a pig.Well, how about a first-edition number 3 "Spider-man Versus Doctor Octopus" in

near-mint condition? Keep talking.That Uh, uh, that's pretty much it.Why isn't she calling? Aren't you the doubter? She'll call in three Two-o-o-o One!

One's next! Yeah.Oh, oh! Shh, shh.

Press record.Hi, mom.

Haley, honey, did you mean to send this text to your dad? Text? What does it say? "I hate to spoil your golf game, but" Uh, no, no.I-I didn't send that.

Must have accidentally dictated when you and dad were talking.Okay.

That's weird.Well, while I have you on the phone, would you mind emptying the dishwasher and doing -- Oh, you're breaking up.

Haley, can you hear me now? Nope.Bye.

- Got it.- Told you we'd get it.

Now just for a little creative editing Your mind is so brilliant.

Karry's English



If you put this much effort into your schoolwork, there is no telling the things you

could -- Why do you have to ruin everything? I know, she's always talking about my potential.

Fore! Do you think I hit her? Nah, she's fine.Sorry I'm so distracted today.What's wrong, buddy? Let me ask you something.

Do -- do you ever get the sense that your wife feels like she could have done better? God, no.

Nah, she's the luckiest woman on earth.I mean, if anything, I could've done better.

The noises that come out of that woman at night? It's like she's that black guy from "Police Academy." Oh, speak of the devil.

Message from my wife, not the black guy from "Police Academy." Oh, that'd be so awesome.

That would be neat.Hey, it's Claire.Um, I hate to spoil your golf game, but I'm pregnant! What? Let's talk as soon as

you can.I have to leave.

What? We're in the middle of a game.I have to be with Claire! Oh -- my clubs! My hat! My sandwich! I'm sorry I freaked

out in there.How -- how much did we get for it? You know, here.I couldn't do it.

- What? - No.This belt buckle means so much to you.

I'm just gonna -- I am going to sell my comic book instead.Oh, Mitchell, that is so sweet.You know -- the idea of me parting ways with a belt buckle that my grandfather

arm-wrestled Wyatt Earp for -- He arm-wrestled him? Oh, yeah, but not in a contentious way.

You know, they were friends.My grandfather saved his life during a train robbery.

A -- a train robbery? That's -- wow.

- Cam, wow! - Yeah.

They had a real bond.The great Wyatt Earp and Honest Abe Tucker.

I have it, I'll store it, and if I need to, I will use it.You know what? I quit.Pardon me for trying to broaden his horizons.

No, no, no.You're not quitting anything.

You're going to eat your sausage, and you're going to eat your pickle.I am tired of every day cooking two different meals.

No tomatoes.White meat only.Extra bacon.

He gets extra bacon? What the hell? Today is the day you two are stopping this silliness! Fine, we'll all conquer something today.

What do I have to conquer? I eat everything.- Pet Stella's belly.- What? You won't touch Stella's belly.

Yeah, because it's the creepiest thing ever.Has like 30 nipples.

I'll eat the blood sausage, Manny eats the pickles, you pet her belly.I'd rather eat the dog.

Don't be a hypocrite.Nice and long, like you mean it.I want to see that leg shake.

- Let me get these! - What's happening? - I'm just so happy! - Really? - Oh, did you finally get a hole in one? - A hole in one.

I hope our baby has your sense of humor.- Our what? - Why didn't I see it? The drug store, the bloated ankles, you've been so moody lately What are you talking about? There it is.

Phil, I am not pregnant.- You're not? - No.

Well, why'd you leave me that message? Didn't leave you a message.Are you sure? You're very forgetful when you're pregnant.

Karry's English



I think I would remember! Then why have you been so moody? Maybe because

you just told me I have giant ankles! Shh, I don't want him to hear us fight like this.

Give me this.Okay.This is gonna be good for everybody, so let's get it over with.

- Fine.- Okay.

We'll go on the count of three.One Two Three.

- Uh! - Oh, no! I'm gonna throw up! Why so moist, Jay?! Why?! Is this a bad time? Sorry to barge in here like this.I guess it's weird that, uh, I'm still storing stuff here.

I just wish you would have come in sooner before I went to second base with Stella.

All right, I'll be two minutes.If you need money for the wedding, why sell something that you love? Why don't you just ask Jay? No.

No.No.

No.Why not? He's your father.

I don't feel right asking my dad for money, okay? I'm an adult, and I have my comic book.I hate to spoil your golf game, but I'm pregnant! Let's talk as soon as you can.

Oh, they are good.I can't believe they pulled such an elaborate stunt.

I don't know whether to be angry or impressed.It's so diabolical.- I don't know where they get that fr-- - Wait.

Wait.Wait.

We could really have some fun with this.You know, it's funny, I never saw you as a comic-book guy.

Oh, no, I wasn't, but I don't know.

Spider-man -- he -- he spoke to me.

I -- I think it's because it's about this nerdy kid who has this special secret side of himself that he can't share with anybody, and -- and that's how I always felt.

Spider-man made me feel like it was okay to be different.And It made me fee tough enough to -- to get through the rough times.Oh, Mitchell, that's so sweet.

I didn't know that.Are you sure you want to sell it? Yes, yes.

Because, like Spider-man I am brave and strong.Oh! Spider web! Spider web! Mitchell.

It's in my mouth.- Oh, Mitchell! - What?! Oh! No! No! Oh, no! Give me a break, Phil! What do you want from me?! - Shh! - I didn't say anything.

A little compassion when you thought I was pregnant would have been nice! I'm sorry.

It was a knee-jerk reaction.You got that half right! Well, you're not pregnant, anyway, so who cares?! And what did I say that was so terrible?! Well, I believe your exact words were, "great,

another kid that we can screw up." Well, I'm sorry, but we both know it's true.

Wait, are you saying that we never should have had them in the first place? Like you never said that! This is awful.

Is this what you thought was gonna happen? I can't think that far ahead.I never do.You know that.

You should've stopped me! You said this was going to be fun! Nobody is having fun! Careful?! Please, Phil! If you hadn't gotten me pregnant, I never would have

married you! I would have married Bobby Nash! - You would?! - Oh, yeah! And right now, I would be on my 100-acre ranch in Aspen with my strapping You really wish you'd married Bobby? Oh, every single day! No, Phil.

Dad, are you okay? Yep.That's what I am to everyone around here.

- Mom - Just "okay." - Phil! - Hey, mom? Not now.

Karry's English



Phil! You guys hear that? We totally got them! Quick! We need a blow dryer! Is

this some sort of gay emergency? No, dad, it's not a gay emergency! It's my comic book.

We need to -- ohh, God! It's ruined.Mitchell, it's okay.It probably wasn't worth that much anyway.

It was worth $5,000! Your belt buckle is garbage.It came from a gas station! Your grandfather never met Wyatt Earp! I didn't hold

on to that for quite as long as I thought.Hey, I'm sorry.

I -- I didn't mean to blurt it out like that.No, it's -- it's okay.I -- I kinda suspected the dates didn't line up.

Now I'm starting to think that wasn't Amelia Earhart's compass.I'm so sorry, but I am sure that Jay can help you two out.

No, no, no, no, no.We want to do this on our own.Can I ask you a question? Why are you having such a big thing anyway? Well,

because we're only getting married once.I'm just saying, why do you need to make into a spectacle? A s-- a spectacle? This

could be the universe's way of telling you to bring it down a notch.Invite your family, your friend Pepper, and, what's his name, the -- the -- the

flouncy one? Uh, L'David.I don't have a flouncy friend named L'David, dad.Do -- do you mean L'Michael or J'Marcus? I'm not sure who you're referring to.

Whatever.I'm just saying keep it small.

Why pay all that money for people you barely know? Oh, oh, you mean like any of your friends? Oh, please, you don't want any of my friends there.Really? Because I've -- I've been asking for a list for months now.

So, so who doesn't want them there -- me or you? Why are you getting upset? Because, dad, if -- if this was Claire's wedding, you would be all over it.

You'd be wanting to have it at your club.You'd be inviting all your friends.

Oh, please! I wasn't that thrilled when Claire got married, either.

"Either"? For God's sake, just stop talking.

Everybody back off.I don't think I'm out of line suggesting my friends don't want to see a father-son

dance at a big gay wedding.There is no father-son dance, dad.I don't know what things go on there.

Do I walk you down the aisle? Does someone throw a bouquet? I mean, I'm just saying, I don't know how this stuff plays out with my guys from the club.

Oh, you mean the guys who sit around the locker room watching football naked? No! No! See, this -- this isn't about them.

This is about you.You are the one that's uncomfortable here.Fine.

I admit it.This whole wedding thing is weird to me.

Now, see, why do you get to be you, but I don't get to be me? See, I didn't choose to be uncomfortable.I was born this way.

Are you really throwing a gay anthem in our face right now? Oh, damn it.Give me some credit.

You know how far I've come.I mean, what more do you want from me? You know what, dad? Y-you do.

You do get to be you.If -- if it really makes you that uncomfortable, then Don't come to the wedding.Mitchell No! No, see? We're scaling back already.

Phil, honey What happened down there? You attacked me.In a fun way.

We were both doing it.I heard you this morning, talking about your super-cute boyfriend Bobby, saying that I was the "comfortable" choice, that you only married me because your dad

hated it.No, sweetheart.

I was not talking about you.I was explaining to the girls about an outfit that I was wearing in a picture that

was the comfortable choice that my dad hated.

Karry's English



Oh, honey.

You can't possibly think that's why I married you.Okay, I -- I get it a-about your dad.

I -- I -- sometimes I do wonder, you know, if you hadn't gotten pregnant - Would we even be here right now? - Yeah.Well, I wonder the same thing, too.

You do? Yes.All the time.

Just last week, you and the kids were outside washing the car, and you got in that soap battle and everybody was running around laughing.

And I stood there at the kitchen window, and I was thinking how lucky I am.'Cause I would have missed all of this if I hadn't married you.I knew you were watching.

That's why I dropped the sponge.That's what got my attention in the first place.

You really don't regret not marrying Bobby Nash? No.He was cute, but he was boring.He never once made me laugh.

You laugh at me all the time.I do.

I liked how happy you were when you thought I was pregnant.Of course I was.

Do you think you could pick that up for me? I don't know.It's so far down here.Schwing! See? I told you they were gonna be fine.

- Door lock! - Run! Go! Go! Go! Go! Hey, Phil, it's Mitchell, Claire's brother.I heard about your and Claire's whole pregnancy situation, and I'm -- I'm sorry my

dad didn't have a better reaction.Don't take it personally.He's just like that.

He'll -- he'll come around.And if not Well his loss.

Yeah, okay, anyway, uh, now that we're gonna be family, it's -- it's probably a little weird for me to date your cousin, so maybe you could ask her to stop paging me?

It's so crazy.

I know.

Uncle Mitchell with a pager.No, Stella.

Okay? No! Stella, I said no.You Okay, but just this time, okay? And you keep your mouth shut about this.Who's there?

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x23 The Wedding (part 1)

Good morning, almost husband.Good morning, almost-- oh.

No! No! Oh! Oh! Pepper: Oh, calm down.This can't be the first time you've woken up with other men in your bedroom.

Happy wedding day! (Laughs) What are you doing here? You pay for a full-service wedding, you get our full packages.

Ohh.Close, honey.So close.

- And we're crossing.- We're crossing.

- And trays down.- And trays down.Napkins.

Relax.Enjoy.

The car will pick you up at 4:00 to whisk you away to your beautiful hilltop wedding.

How's the weather? I had a dream it rained on everyone.Dry as a bone.The only thing it will be raining tonight is men.

We really need it.Mm.

Has anyone heard from Sal? No.And I will never understand why you asked that boozy us-hag to officiate your wedding.

We didn't exactly ask Sal.- Sal - Mm-hmm.

we have something very important to talk to you about.Yeah, we hope that maybe you would be open to the idea-- Yes! I will totally

officiate your wedding! Oh, my drinks! (Laughs) It was supposed to be an intervention.

(cellphone rings) Hey, best man.

Hello, blushing bride.I feel like I should hate that more.

Yeah, I think I might go with "best person." Anyway, I'm just calling to see how you're doing.I'm great.

Really? I-I-- is this about mom again? I told you-- I'm fine.My mother can't come to the wedding.

She was at a yoga retreat, and she fell out of a warrior pose, and she broke her hip.

Should we consider the possibility that someone pushed her? Cam, please.They were a bunch of peace-loving hippies who spent two weeks in the rainforest with my mother.

Of course someone pushed her.I'm actually relieved she's not coming.

She has given me the gift of a crazy-free wedding.I know.I was just a little sad for you.

Mom's a no-show, and you and dad are hardly even speaking.Enough about dad.

He doesn't get gay weddings, and I don't get track suits as casualwear.Can we please talk about something happy, like my honeymoon in Mexico? Oh,

yeah, you're gonna want to take a look at the weather channel.- Hilarious.- Love you.

Love you, too.(Cellphone beeps) You're gonna get the gift today, right? Don't we have a year to

do that? No, I have a husband to do that.They fell in love with this very specific turquoise Italian glass bowl.I looked everywhere, finally found one, and we're not going to that wedding

without it.Wait.

I-I thought you were taking me to the eye doctor.They said I'm not supposed to drive myself home.

No, no, no, no.

Karry's English



I'm picking up Luke from his wilderness trip.

Alex can take you.That's a bummer.

Aww, dad, I'm touched.No, not because of you.I'd just rather pick up Luke.

Than go to the eye doctor.I-I love spending time with you.

Don't worry-- you're fun.Wow.

My dad would never admit this, but when he wants fun, he goes straight to Luke.They have a weird connection.They're like Batman and Robin.

Dad and I are more like Batman and Ruth bader ginsburg.Honey, don't be like that.

You're super fun! You sure I can't get Luke? ALEX: I heard that! Let's do this! (Telephone rings) Hello.Hey, mom.

Gloria wants to know if she can do your hair and makeup last after me and Cam's mom.

It's fine.Something about Luke-- I've lost interest.

Okay, love you.Bye! Damn, this is the best cup of coffee I ever had.Manny roasts his own beans every Friday night.

That kid's gonna be roasting his own beans for a long time, if you know what I mean.

(Chuckles) Can I just say thank you again for letting us stay here? You have thanked us enough with that big bag of deer meat.Aww.

Hey, mom.Can you see this? What pimple? (Sighs) I knew it.

I can't go looking like this.Weddings are where you meet girls.

Not at this one.

- Well, we better be going.

- Yeah.Have a great spa day.

Men don't have spa days.We're just going to the club, taking a steam, having a couple of rubdowns.MERLE: Hey.

Do they serve cucumber water at that place? Sometimes they do a strawberry-basil mix.

Ah.(Chuckles) - Merle? - Yes, ma'am? Be back in time for me to do your tie.

Uh, yes, ma'am.(Sighs) I'm so sorry you had to see that.(Door closes) See what? The way we just snapped at each other.

Are you joking? Obviously, Merle and I are going through a heck of a rough patch.

If I talked to Jay that nice, He would think I'm cheating on him.(Door opens) Mrs.P (Door closes) My darn taxi never came.

I'm gonna miss my flight.No.

I just-- (Groans) I don't want to deal with this right now [sighs] 'Cause I'm already so scared of flying.

I just hate everything about it-- except for the food.I don't understand how they get such bold flavors out of that tiny kitchen.Haley, can you drive Andy to the airport, please? - She doesn't want to do that.

- Aww, you get me.Haley.

I don't have a car.I got dropped off.I guess we can take my car.

That's settled.Go.

Fine.Okay.

We really need to hurry.

Karry's English



Relax.

We'll get there.You just worry about being strapped in a giant metal tube That's right-- I heard.

(Sighs) - Hey.- What? I just thought of something.What's going on with my hair today? Daddy's going to do it up really pretty with

flowers.Not you, right? No, other daddy.

Oh, thank God.Mitchell, this is not my tuxedo! They gave me the wrong order! And the fuchsia

gown didn't tip you off? I have like nine shirts this color.I'm wearing a shirt this color.Okay, deep breaths.

Deep breaths.(Breathing shallowly) We have plenty of time to go to the dry-cleaner.

We knew that there would be a bump today, and here it is.We're getting it done early.This is our bump.

Oh! Oh! Okay.Okay.

So, this is our bump.(Sighs) I can't handle this.

We're getting married in five hours.I don't have my perfectly tailored tux.I can't just go buy something off the rack.

I'm not Cindy Crawford.Why a woman? I'm just wondering.

What are we gonna do? We could eat.We just need to get in touch with the owner.Y-you, uh, you know his name, right? It'sAziz something? Oh, oh.

It's-- it's-- uh, no, it's a-Amir.It's-- it's not Amir, no.

Oh, no, it's, uh, Ahmad.It's achmed.

No.

Oh, it's on the ticket.

Now I'm just feeling racist.What is it? Here it is.

It's Jerry.J-- oh, Jerry.Amari.

Jerry Amari.There you go.

Can you see better in here? A little, but those drops are really hanging on.I'm like han solo right when he came out of the carbonite.

Really? Nothing? I get it.It's "Star Trek." You're breaking my heart.

Save it for Luke.He'll love that.

Can we just get the gift and get out of here? Right, but first things first.Let's put on some funny hats, act like they're not there, and then walk around all serious.

What's the point of this? That's good.You're nailing it.

(Cellphone rings) Hey, honey.How was the eye exam? Great.

I can barely see.I'm wearing giant sunglasses and a girly hat.Alex and I are having a blast.

But you got the gift, right? That's what people tell me.Honey, the bowl.

I have the bowl.It's beautiful.I'll-- I'll see you at home.

Hey, here's a thought-- now that you told mom you got the bowl, how about we actually go get it? Yes, no more fooling around.

Let's go get the bowl.Oh, right after we find out our sleep number.

Ow! There's my guy.

Karry's English



I thought dad was picking me up.

Oh.I missed you, too.

Come here.Aww.So, did you have fun? Yeah.

What was your favorite thing? I don't remember.It was yesterday.

Hot dogs.Can we go now? Honey, I feel bad that you have to leave early.

What are you missing today? Boating.Well, I mean, we have a little time.You don't mind waiting in the car? (Breathes deeply) (Sighs) So, Cam tells me you

and Mitch had a little dust-up.Yeah.

A couple of weeks ago.That kid can hold a grudge.A little uncomfortable about that wedding, are you? Well, you know what I'm

feeling, right? (Laughs) I'd like to think I've evolved on the subject.We got a couple of lesbo swans in the pond.

They seem pretty happy.(Sighs) Hey, Jay.

Hey, Howard, Larry.This is my, uh This is my friend Merle, and he's visiting from Missouri.Ooh, the "show me" state.

Don't say that in here! (Laughter) So, what brings you to town, Merle? Well, uh, my-- our-- Jay's and myKids are getting married today.

HOWARD: Congratulations.Isn't that nice? Father of the bride, father of the groom taking a steam together the day of the wedding.

Yeah, something like that.The day my son got married-- piece of cake.

But the day I lost my little girl-- ohh, that wrecked me.So, which one of you has to suffer through that today? You know what? It's too

hot in here.

Yeah.

Let's go.Mm-hmm.

Real evolved.Your swans would be ashamed.Well, I guess I first noticed it after Pameron moved out, and Merle and I just

started sniping at each other.Yeah, like that bloodbath this morning? Ohh.

Again, I am so sorry.But Merle is not the type you can talk to about things.

I mean, the man's had a toothpick in his mouth our whole marriage, and I can't say a word.No, you can't sit on your feelings.

You will explode! I have, like, so I don't have the big one.The women in my family-- sometimes, they shoot their husbands.

Well, we've had 48Good years.IGuess we're just gonna run out the clock.No! You're still You have That is bad attitude! You have to tell merle what is

bothering you.Oh, he doesn't want to hear all that.

He gets all closed off and [Deep voice] macho.(Giggling) You're ticklin' my piggies.

You get used to that.(Chuckles) It's a shame Mitchell's mother couldn't make it to the wedding.For who? Mm, things still rough between the two of you? Merle, things have

always been rough.That woman never stopped complaining.

Finding the strength to leave dede was the hardest thing I ever did, but the best decision I ever made.Well, you sure made a score with that Gloria.

Wow.Big-time.

(Chuckles) I bet you landed her before she got a gander at those hooves of yours.(Both chuckle) You're welcome, by the way.

Karry's English



So, what are you gonna do in Utah? Well, me and my girlfriend haven't seen each

other in a while, so we're gonna be like a couple of bunny rabbits - Wow.- just hopping all over town.

Oh.Is this her? Yep, that's my Beth.Huh.

She's pretty.(Scoffs) Yeah.

She's the most beautiful creature, inside and out.I'm just the luckiest guy ever to get to love her.

Okay, she may be real, but no way you are.Who talks like that? You know, I hate when you say things like that because you are funny, and you are pretty, and you are smart in an original way, so why

shouldn't a guy feel lucky to love you? Shut up.Be normal.

(Cellphone buzzes) Hey, my phone just buzzed.Can you read it? I don't want to put our lives at risk.It's, uh, it's from the airline.

Your flight's delayed three hours.- Three hours?! - Yeah.

Ohh! Jinkies! I guess we can just drop me off at a coffee shop, and I can take a cab from there.

Okay.Actually, I really need to wake up.Maybe I'll grab a coffee with you, if you don't mind.

Please.The more I talk to people, the less I imagine plummeting to my death in a fiery

spiral of screaming and crying.Pretty dark for someone who just said "jinkies." Well, I guess we have different definitions of "emergency," then.

You know, I'm just gonna say it-- have a little bit of attitude.Well, you requested a S.

W.A.

T.

Team.

Is anybody else hungry? (Sighs) Mitchell! Mitchell! Look at this.Do you think you could fit in there? (Laughing) I'm not doing that.

Then what am I gonna wear to our wedding-- my black funeral suit? Is that the tone you want to set? You wore it to one funeral.(Sighs) And you didn't even know Bea Arthur.

I felt like I did.I know.

(Cellphone rings) Oh.It's pepper.

He'll know what to do.- Yes.(Sighs) - Pepper.

Disaster.It's not a disaster.

It's just a wildfire.And it's most certainly not going to burn down your wedding.What?! What? There's a wildfire near the venue.

No! Yes, but it's fine.Ronaldo is going to text-blast the guest list, tell them the wedding is being moved

from 5:00 to 1:00.(Gasps) Oh, my God! Don't panic.

Would somebody please turn off that wretched waterfall?! Kill the waterfall immediately! (Sighs) The fire is already That doesn't sound like a lot.Just get dressed and look pretty.

I'm going to send the car for you in one hour.Have you lost your mind?! Go! You disgust me! Go! (Grunts) Okay.

Now what are we gonna do? No, I guess maybe-- no, th-- Cam, there's no way I could fit through there.(Sighs) You two exhaust me.

What? We have to be there in an hour! I can't go like this! Look at me! I hate you.Prepare yourself for the best burger of your life.

(Cellphone chimes) We got to go.Uh-oh.

(Sighs) Maybe we should try on more hats.

Karry's English



Do you think we have time? (Grunts) It's not working! And there's no oar? We are

literally up a creek without a paddle? Okay, Lily, Lily! Okay, you're gonna press the green button to start it, and then you're gonna look for number 9-1-3.

And then, when you see it go by, you press the red button to stop it, okay? Okay.Oh, I'm so glad you're here.I get us into these situations, and I freak, and then you always fix the problem.

Well, now, we each have our own gifts.It's just it's easier for me to stay calm in the face of-- - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Oh, oh! - Lily, daddy's coming for you! - Oh, my God! Okay, now, Lily, press the red button! I'm breaking the window! Put that down! (Both sigh) Thank God you're

here.Are you breaking into my store? Uh, no.Why would you even say that? My alarm went off.

Oh, well, okay, that is a coincidence because his tuxedo is in there, and we're getting married in an hour.

(Sighs) You are totally saving us.You know, I freak out at situations like this, which forces him to fix the problem, you know? I do.

I do.So, I'm over here, freaking out, while he's somewhere else, fixing the problem.

- Oh, my gosh.I'm so sorry.

- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.(Sighs) Oh! Oh.Well, maybe that's a good thing, you know-- The Yin, the Yang? Yeah, whatever,

Jerry.Where'd she come from? Oh, oh, because she doesn't look like us? That's

offensive.Oh, Jerry.Oh, Jerry.

What are we going to do? I know how to get up there.I'm blind.

Follow me.Oh, I'm not doing that.

Alex! (Stick clacking) Excuse me, could someone help me to find the back of the

line? Oh, no, no.It's okay.

Oh.Go right ahead.Are you sure? Mm-hmm.

Can I help you? Yes, picking up for Dunphy.It's on hold, I believe.

Beautiful day, huh? I was told.Here we go.

(Sighs) Credit card? Uh, just to be sure-- that is turquoise, right? Because my wife said it also comes in emerald.Yes.

Sir, it's a very long line.Mm.

Okay.Um, can I have it for one second? Thank you.Yep, that doesn't feel like turquoise.

You can feel color? You got to be kidding me.When you lose one sense, all your other senses become heightened.

That's why you sound so loud and judge-y to me.My mistake, sir.

I'll be right back.Okay.(Stomping loudly) Here it is.

Hey, he's messing with the blind guy.Thank you-- wherever you are.

I don't think he's really blind.Excuse me.My father suffered methanol poisoning on a humanitarian mission in Honduras,

resulting in permanent neurological dysfunction and irreversible blindness.It's been hard enough on our family without people like you making it worse.

If he feels it's not the bowl, it's not the bowl.I'm so sorry.

I'll check on the turquoise.

Karry's English



Okay, that was kind of fun.

I'm winking at you right now.(Chuckles) Ohh, this is not working.

We are never gonna get there on time, and I am the best person.Oh, God! Oh! I think just broke a nail on a turtle.(Sighs) You're the one who wanted to come out here.

Yes, I did, because I wanted to spend some time with my son.You've-- (Sighs) You've been pushing me away so much lately, and I don't want

you to grow up to be the kind of kid who doesn't care if his mom shows up at his wedding.

What are you talking about? Nana isn't coming today, and Mitchell's relieved.WellI'd be really sad if you missed my wedding.Really? You promise? Totally.

And so would Kate.Who's Kate? Upton-- my wife, your daughter-in-law.

Oh.Get on board.Come on.

Then what has been going on with you recently? You've been so moody.I'm sorry, but I'm sick of going to school and hearing teachers say, "You're Alex

Dunphy's brother? Really?" Like I'm an idiot.Oh, honey, you're not an idiot.

I forgot the paddle even though we just learned the boating checklist yesterday.Alex would never do that.And if she did, she'd probably, like-- I don't know-- use this fishing rod to cast out

and hook us on the shore because "I'm so smart." And then she'd pull us in because everything she does always works.

(Reel clicking) Oh, my God.It's working.It's working! Figures.

Alex.(Gasps) Ooh, ooh.

Don't move.The lighting is really cool right now.

What are you doing? Don't smile.

Why? It's my favorite thing.

(Chuckling) No, really, be serious.Look out the window.

Okay.(Camera shutter clicks) Look.Whoa! That is honestly the best photo anyone's ever taken of me.

Thank you.You mind if I send a copy to Beth? Andy, um When I read the text about your

flight, I saw the text from Beth telling you not to come.Yeah, she doesn't mean that.

(Chuckles) She said, "it's over." That can mean a lot of different things.(Cellphone buzzes) Your phone's buzzing again.

Oh, my God.The wedding got moved up.

I have to go.Andy, are you sure about getting on that plane? Yeah, yeah.I-I'm fine.

You know, she does this every once in a while.She just likes the drama.

- But I-- okay.- Haley, I appreciate your concern-- I really do-- but I've been in this relationship

off and on for eight years, so I kind of know what I'm doing, all right? Thank you for the ride.(Sighs) It's a tool of the trade.

The car one says "Toyota." (Sighs) (Classical music plays) RONALDO: Ah.

I have eyes on the grooms.I'm three feet behind you.How's it going? Are people showing up? It's all under control.

Surprise! Guess who's on time.Oh, my God! Sal, wow, you're pregnant.

Congratulations! Thank you.We're really excited.

You're huge.

Karry's English



Nice teeth.

Uh, so, W-where's Tony? Oh, beats me.Haven't spoken to him since the divorce.

Oh.(Chuckles) - Yeah, it's, uh, Eddie.Eddie! Baby! - Yeah! Come here! Come meet the girls! Eddie.

SAL: This is Eddie.Eddie.

Cam, Mitch, Peps, this guy.Hey.

This is Eddie, my baby daddy.So, why didn't you tell us? Oh, you know, we just wanted to get through that first trimester - before we let the cat out of the bag.

- Mm-hmm.When was that-- last summer? So, y-you're-- you're how far along now? About

four months.Right, honey? - MITCHELL: Four months.- Yep.

Yeah.Just about the exact amount of time Eddie and I have been together.

RONALDO: I don't understand.Four is this many, yes? SÃ.

Hola, handsome boys.(Laughs) You two look gorgeous.Gracias.

Oh, thank you.Pretty nice, huh? Like a regular wedding.

What? Good start, Jay.BARB: Hey, Merle, it's your son's wedding-- maybe lose the toothpick? I'm getting tired of this nagging.

I'm leaving you.What? What? Not if I leave you first! No, no, no, you don't mean this! Oh, don't

you feel bad, honey.You have helped me today.

Thanks for getting me over the hump.

BOTH: What did you do? Wow.

We're doing this.Are you ready? I don't want to wait another minute.

Lily, hit it.WOMAN: Aww.That's sweet.

(Classical music continues) On 3, boys.One, Two-- Attention! Attention, please! The fire has jumped the freeway.

I'm really sorry, folks.I'm gonna have to evacuate everyone immediately.

(Guests murmur) (Siren wailing) So, this is our bump.

-END-

Karry's English



Modern Family 5x24 The Wedding (part 2)

Hey, best man.Yeah, I think I might go with "Best Person.

" Is this about mom again? I told you, I'm fine.I was just a little sad for you.

Mom's a no-show, and you and dad are hardly even speaking.I'm leaving you! Not if I leave you first! Both: What did you do?! Attention!

Attention, please! The fire has jumped the freeway.Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.If you're evacuating the whole area, can't you just do us last? I don't think you

realize how close you are to actual flames.Hello.

Pepper Saltzman.Big supporter of yours.Have all your calendars.

We've waited 10 years.Can we please have an hour? I can give you 30 minutes.

We can make that work! The wedding will go on just in a slightly pared-down version.

Claire, you're up front.Flower girl, strewing.Grooms, come with me.

"Ooh! Ahh! They look so handsome!" Quartet, quartet, quartet! And cue Sal.Start after your limerick.

Oh, god, no! Ugh! We're all making sacrifices, dear.I have a Prius full of monarch butterflies who are apparently coming home with me.

- Aah! - No! Her water broke! No! No, it did not! I am barely pregnant! Thank you all for being here on this joyous occasion.

There once was a homo named Tucker Sal, stop.No, you're going into labor! Also, just stop! But we've only been together four

months.I just love you so much, I can't wait to have your baby.

God! Kids ruin everything! Yeah, they sure do.

Let's get you to the hospital and have our miracle baby.Okay.

Just so you know, sometimes when babies come this early - Uh-huh.- they're black.Okay, this is a disaster! We have no one to marry us! Dearly beloved, that is a

problem.Yep.

Thanks to $35 and the internet, you are looking at the good reverend Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.

Over the last year, I've dropped a few subtle hints to Mitch and Cam that I was available.Hey, have you guys decided who's gonna officiate your wedding? 'Cause I got

ordained online.Oh, my god.

A wallaby! Oh, my gosh! To be continued! Phil, you're a lifesaver.Thank you.No thanks necessary.

Cameron, marrying you would make me the happiest man on earth.Everyone, attention, please! I've been informed by the fire chief we need to leave

immediately! - The winds have shifted! - Mitchell: What? But w-we have 30 minutes! A fellow wedding facilitator has informed me a beautiful space just

became available.To the shuttles! But we don't know a thing about this place.Oh, my mistake.

Let's go over it.It's a quaint, rustic spot, though its chief selling point is it's not about to become a

kiln! To the shuttles! Cam, where are the shuttles that brought everyone up from the parking lot? Apparently they were double booked.This is the best Pepper could do.

This is how we're getting everyone to the wedding? Half our guests are gay.We're finally giving them a good memory on a school bus.

That doesn't look completely sewn on.You might want to get something to cover that.

Oh, good idea.

Karry's English



Thank you.

What did you say to Merle that make him want to leave Barb? I have no idea! We were just shooting the breeze Wedding day, Dede, how happy I am now that I'm

with you.Why would you say something like that? Now you're breaking somebody's heart.I didn't mean for her to get hurt.

Not her, him when he realizes that not every second wife looks like this.Thank you for lending me your jacket, Jay.

It's good to know there are still gentleman in the world.Oh, it's you, Barb.

I didn't see you there on account of my bright future.Thank you, Gloria.Standing up to that old goat was best thing I ever did.

What's all that about? No, no.The thing is that she told me a story about a goat And it's very old and then the

goat Oh, don't give me that.I told her to express herself.I believe that in a good marriage, a woman can ex Fine.

Whatever.I'll undo it.

We can't let Cam know what the situation with his parents is.He's very delicate.

I can't believe I'm involved in breaking up yet another marriage.What? Hey, hey.How you holding up? Uh, I've had better days.

But you and me we're cool, right? We probably have some things that we should talk about, but maybe we save it for a less-stressful day.

This is not your fault, by the way.The fire was an act of God.Not that god sent a fireball down to keep a couple guys from getting married, but

I didn't say that right.There's no way that this any of this is part of God's plan.

Save something for the toast, Dad.Damn it.

Where do you want this? Bus five.

What's wrong with your voice? The three of us just took a road trip.

We sang Broadway tunes all the way to the Texas border.And then from the other side of Texas to Florida.

Hey, so you're, like, the minister? Kinda.When they lost Sal, the situation was a no-brainer, which made them think of me.Isn't there a lot you have to remember to marry people? Not really.

They all follow the same basic pattern."We're gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony.

" "Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" And the first person says - I do? - Right.

Then I ask the second person, "Do you take him to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" - You know the drill, right? - I do.Then I say, "By the powers vested in me by the state of California, I now

pronounce you legally wed." Bingo, bango, bongo, you're married.

Awesome.Really awesome.Look, Barb, I know what you're going through.

You and Merle are at a crossroads in your marriage.It feels like the end of the world, But in time, you'll see it more as a Right.

A little hiccup that we all go through.My advice don't do anything.

Just take some time and breathe.Maybe through your nose.Did you happen to find anything in one of my pockets? Funny you should "Flask.

" Maybe I'll just take that.Excuse me.

Well, it's much lighter now, isn't it? Yeah.Okay, this is weird.I think this is the same seat I used to nervously scratch at On my way to school.

Oh, poor thing.Yeah.

Even then I felt such pressure to be perfect.Andy's flight is delayed again.

Okay.

Karry's English



That was close.

We almost connected on a human level.He's doing the dumbest thing.

His girlfriend broke up with him, and he's flying out to win her back.That sounds so romantic.It's so weak.

This girl throws a fit, he goes running.If they get back together, she has all the power.

Oh, my god.You like him.

No, I don't.What? This is so hilarious.He's totally not your type.

Shut up.Please.

You can't stop thinking about him, you're checking on him.He's not even like a real person.He's like a muppet.

I don't even get some of Sal's remarks here."Marriage is like a freeway messy, but if you communicate, it's so worth it.

" Honey, that does not say "Freeway." I can't use any of this, but I don't want the whole ceremony to be generic.

There needs to be some magic in it.Well, you can read a poem or maybe Hold on.Back up.

I like your last idea a magic trick.I did not suggest a magic trick.

After all, what's better than magic to symbolize the wonder of marriage?! Excuse me.I'm talking to you.

Yeah, yeah.They looked good on you in the store, but now you're not sure.

That was the topic 10 minutes ago.Well, maybe if I stapled the sports page to my head, you'd pay attention.

As long as it covered your mouth.

- What? - Nothing.

Ugh, when are we going to be there? Soon, honey.Very soon.

Come on.Give us a smile.Remember, this is the happiest day of your dads' lives.

The butterflies are eating me! Well, who told you to jostle the crate?! Oh, blah.One got in my mouth.

What a bunch of babies.Pepper said it was nice.

I hope we like it.Cam, Cam, listen, whatever's on the other side of this curtain, we cannot be disappointed.

You're right.Today is not about flowers or superficial things.

Right.Okay.- Oh, thank god.

- It's pretty.I was so scared! - Oh, I love it, I love it.

- I could cry! Oh, don't cry.You'll streak your bronzer.

Everyone, please take your seats! We'll be starting in cinco minutes, 10 at the most.Do you ever notice with Ronaldo how his language barrier sort of fluctuates? How

is this place even available? Oh, dreadful story.Runaway bride, suicidal groom, feuding families.

It really puts our mundane problems in perspective.Oh, we can't dim the lights.Then break some.

These are not young men! Why don't you two go freshen up? Wait.Why am I seeing only half a quartet? Ed and Jim are volunteer firemen.

Of course they are.Try to play in front of a mirror.

- A kiss for luck.

Karry's English



- Oh, okay.

Yes.A kiss for luck, my little gingersnap! Oh, okay.

Oh, wow, Barb.Oh, oh, good thing we're out of the fire zone.Wow.

Well, you know your dad gave me a little wedding helper.I didn't know the jacket still had a Flask.

Yeah.Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.You know, at the end of the ceremony, I kiss a man, so you might want to fill 'er up.

This is how you try to fix things? - You get her drunk? - Don't blame him.She's been a loose cannon ever since she started going to that church service that

starts at 10:30.They play guitar music.It's a celebration.

It's gomorrah.The pastor wears one of them Madonna microphones.

Oh, Madonna microphones.Where's my little corn silk? Hey, you want to go out and do something fun after

this thing? No, I was thinking about staying in tonight and spending some time with Joe.Ugh, you never want to do anything since that baby came along.

- How are you? - I'm good.You you have the, um Marriage license, rings, signing pen, toast? Yes, of course.

There's a reason I'm the best person.You know that's just a title for today, right? Yeah, I'm the best person at this wedding.

I'm still kind of hearing what is that? Oh, my god.Oh, my god.

Wait.Oh.

That's pollen.

Oh, no.

Honey.Don't look at me.

I only had one corsage.Where's your sister? Haley? Andy! You're still here? Yeah.My flight keeps getting delayed because of weather.

Oh, so does the wedding.Wait.

Is fire weather? - There was a fire? - Yeah.Guess that explains that smoking dress.

Line, andy.Well, if you're if you're just killing time, the new wedding venue is nearby.You could totally come and hang.

I don't think I'm exactly dressed for it.Of course, if I was with you, no one would even look at me.

Wow, okay.That is quite enough pie for you, young man.Ugh.

I've got to get back.Um, look, I didn't come here for coffee.

Andy, I don't think it's a good idea for you to get on that plane.I don't think Beth is worth it.

You don't even know Beth.I think I do.I think I've been her.

Let me guess.For every 10 letters you write, she writes one.

She's always the one who ends the phone call.You happen to mention when your birthday's coming up because you know deep down she's already forgotten it.

Meanwhile, she gives you just enough to keep you on the hook.Hello? Of course I didn't leave, Mom.

You walked past me two seconds ago.I'm just saying, you deserve better.

Karry's English



Oh, my god! I'm waving at you! Stay where you are! I'm walking towards you! Lily,

here you go.I'm taking your corsage.

But it's mine.You're the flower girl.It's part of your job.

Read the fine print.Thank you.

Claire! What? I-I need the rings.- For what? - To practice our trick.

Come on, come on, come on.Oh, honey, I don't know about the magic trick.Don't you think people should be focused on Cam and Mitch? I'm hoping so.

It's the perfect misdirect.Okay, here's how we're gonna do this.

You hold the rings.Okay.I say, "They say the best marriages contain just a little bit of magic.

" We hold up our arms.You let go of the rings.

They slide down the thread as if mysteriously floating All the way half the way to me.

Merle, I know that after talking to Jay, You think that there are better things out there for you.Who says there isn't? Okay.

Take a trip with me to the future.It's a regular night at the local honky tonk.

Look, who's that man sitting alone in the bar? It's Merle.A beautiful woman approaches.She asks, "Is this seat taken?" He says, "No," and then she grabs the chair and

goes sits next to a much younger, much handsomer-looking man.Then Merle turns around to the bartender and say, "Happy Tuesday, huh?" The

bartender replies, "Don't you mean 'Merry Christmas'?" You see, Merle? It was Christmas the whole time! Okay, it's show time.

Cue the processional.

Phil, as they say in my native South Carolina, It's time to marry your

brother-in-law.Flower girl, work those petals.

Wedding party walking.What's that? I'll be right there.Okay.

Last looks.- Very handsome.

- Oh.This is my second favorite suit of yours.

Second? Right after your birthday suit.Hey.Cut it out.

I'm practically a married man.I know.

You know, you scared me earlier with what your dad said.W-what? Well, just about the fire, you know being a sign we shouldn't get married.

It was kind of apocalyptic-y.No.

Then the sky turned dark.Yeah, because of the fire.

Well, and then we had a flood.You know, Sal sploosh.I think you're stretching just a little bit.

Because we paid for this room! Mr.And Mrs.

Lucas, we just need 20 minutes! Cut the boy soprano.No, we need these people out of here! I can see you want to run again, don't you? Follow your heart.

On your mark, get set, live, baby! You don't need that! You don't see this as another biblical sign? A swarm of "Lucases.

" Slight change, everyone! Don't worry! There's always a plan "C"! Oh! They're everywhere! What is wrong with you people? Leave the box alone! Oh, if that

thing is coming in, We need to put a few more people on the lawn.

Karry's English



Oh! Okay, this place is cozy, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.It's fine.

It's oh, it's going to be fine.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Although we may need to sit some of the overflow guests upstairs.

Oh, we don't we don't own the upstairs.Really? I always assumed there was a nicer part you weren't showing me.

Make sure their checks have cleared.Just get another caterer here or these people will be eating butterfly bisque! Okay,

I'm trying to remain calm, but you realize that's another sign of the apocalypse, right? Famine? He sounds as bad as Steven, Stefan, and Longines.Oh, so what you're saying is we have four hoarse men? Stop with the frowning.

Today, you smile for your son.Tomorrow, you can do whatever you want.

Tomorrow, I might just move out.Oh, now I feel a smile coming on.Oh, my god.

You're texting Andy now? I'm just letting him know he can hang out here if he wants.

Haley, I hope you know what you're doing.I'm not doing anything.

I mean, it's one thing if you're actually into him, but if you're just playing around with him for the fun of it Here's the thing about nice, quiet dorks like Andy.You get over us much faster than we get over you.

Hi.Sorry.

So sorry.Excuse me.It's my husband.

"They say the best marriages" I don't mean to rush you, but there's like 80 people waiting to get in here.

No, no, no.I'm so glad you're here.

- I just worked up a new magic trick.

- Oh.

I start by saying, "They say the best marriages contain just a little bit of magic." Then in my sleeves, I've rigged two confetti poppers that I found in Lily's closet.

- Hmm.- So when I raise my arms Really? You're not gonna say, "Don't do that"? No, I mean, I don't think you need the magic trick, but if you do it, I'm sure you'll be

great.Oh, honey.

Oh, god, let me get that.Honey! No! Honey, no! Hey! Phil! Oh, no! No, no, water's on! Water's on! No! You

Both: Just a minute! - Hey, Andy.- Andy: Hey.Has the wedding started yet? Oh, yeah, lots of times.

- What's up? - Oh, nothing.Hey, that thing you said before about me deserving better, you just meant, like, in

general, right? You weren't thinking of anyone in particular? Yeah, no, I-I just meant you deserve to be happy.And if it's this girl, great.

If not, great.Um, sometimes the hardest part is just figuring out what you want.

Yeah, that's what I thought.Well, enjoy the wedding.

Thanks.Have a nice trip.Yeah.

I'll see you.I'm so glad we did this.

I know.Who were we kidding? It was so gonna happen.I can't get enough of this.

No, Mitch is fine.Still mad at me, though.

You know how touchy he can be, Dede.Remember when we tried to cheer him up after his first ice-skating competition?

How were we supposed to know third place is a good thing? Remember he

Karry's English



tromped off across that muddy field in his skates? He sunk like a woolly

mammoth.Hey, Dede, if you're around the 4th of July, you should come by and watch the

wedding video.No, we're out of town in August.All right.

Well, soon.Okay.

Oh, Dede, I don't think I have your new Okay, it's magic time, everyone! Phil, please take your place beneath our majestic arch.

Cue the quartet.Where's the other one? He rode with the caterer who flipped his truck.Why do good things happen to everyone but me? Let's send the flower girl before

she's a flower teenager.Oh, so sad.

Sorry.- What is - Yeah.Like I'm the problem.

Is your Dad here? Yeah, he should be right Oh oh, my god.He's out on the sidewalk on the phone.

Do you want me to go get him? No, no, I don't.Let's just come on.

Let's just do this.Mitchell.Is this really how you want to get married? Well, it's not ideal.

No, people don't have any rice to throw because they're chewing it raw out of starvation.

Half of our guests are on the lawn and There go the sprinklers.Okay, let's just call time of death on this.All right, yeah.

Hey, everybody, um, thank you so much for, uh, for dealing with all this today.It means a lot to us.

But unfortunately, this is not gon Stop.You can't do this.

Ye, I'm way ahead of you, Dad, and thank you for stopping by.

What I mean is, you can't get married like this.

You two deserve the kind of wedding you've been talking about nonstop for the last nine months.

What do you mean? You bring it up every chance that you get.I know what nonstop means! Trust me, okay? Now, what are we all standing around for? My son's getting married today.

Hey.All right, Jay.

It's what this golf club needs.Shake it up a little.

Go on, dear.How often do your fathers get married? So far, one, two Why am I still seeing you? You can take your seat, dad.

We're about to start.Actually, I thought you and I would take a little walk.

I remember it like it was yesterday The day that Mitchell came home from the hospital in a very unfashionable white diaper with three strands of scraggly raggedy andy hair.

If he's doing it, I'm doing it.You coming, Barb? You old sweet talker.

Wait for me! We were inseparable.I was his big sister, his big brother, his nemesis, his protector, his best friend.

I was his first partner.And I loved every minute of it.Thank you all for being here on this happy occasion.

They say the best marriages contain just a little bit of magic.Believe me.

I know.We're gathered here today to join two amazing people.So naturally, I was a little picky when it came to who was going to be replacing

me.And then I met this Cam.

And sure, he was warm and funny and loving.Cameron, do you take Mitchell to be your husband? I do.

Karry's English



Cameron, would you please place this ring on Mitchell's finger? Mitchell, do you

take Cameron to be your husband? I do.Then by the powers vested in me by the state of California, I am privileged to

pronounce you spouses for life.You may now kiss your husband.I wondered, "Was he really everything I wanted for my brother? "Was he really the

best person?" No, I'm the best person.And now I am very pleased to raise a glass and introduce for the first time ever

On our fourth try great husbands, Mitch and Cam.Yes! I saw that.

What? The way you look at my sister.You do it all the time, you know.I do not.

Just not in front of me, okay? So, have you heard from your dads on their honeymoon? You must really miss them, don't you? Sorry.

I was being dramatic.No, you were right.You'll hate yourself.

Right again.It's like they never left.

-END-

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