matters - La Leche League

mattersmatters breastfeeding Nov/Dec 2015

# 210

Being a GrandmaBeing a Grandma

Finding LLL, my homeFinding LLL, my home

TwinsTwins La Leche League GB

mother-to-mother support

for breastfeeding

La Leche League GB

For breastfeeding support from pregnancy through to weaning call our

National Helpline

0845 120 2918

LLLGB Office 0115 7270579

Websites

www.laleche.org.uk to find your local LLL contact

or submit a Help Form

www.llli.org La Leche League International for breastfeeding

information

Editor: Helen Lloyd Co-Editor: Justine Fieth Contributing Editor: Emma Gardner

Lisa Hassan Scott Graphic Design: Benaifer Bhandari Editorial Consultant: Ginny Eaton

Contributions Breastfeeding Matters is YOUR magazine, we always need your letters and stories. Photos need to be clear and good quality—please send high resolution digital

photos to the Editors at [email protected]

Personal views expressed here are not necessarily those of La Leche League. All submissions will be

acknowledged and are subject to editing. All articles published in Breastfeeding Matters become the

property of La Leche League. LLLGB does not endorse products advertised or other organisations mentioned in Breastfeeding Matters or

items included in the mailing.

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National Helpline 0845 120 2918

inside… Mothers’ StoriesTwins ........................................................................ 4 Finding LLL, my home .............................................. 9 Being a Grandma ..................................................... 12 An A to Z of breastfeeding ...................................... 15 Slow dance to the land of nod ................................. 21 My heroes ............................................................... 22 We got there eventually .......................................... 26 In Every Issue Editor’s letter ........................................................... 3 Mothers on…breastfeeding during festivities ........... 16 Meet a Leader ......................................................... 18 Lisa’s Log—And to think ......................................... 24 Letters ..................................................................... 27 LLL concepts—In the early years ............................ 28 News and EventsBecome a member .................................................. 17 Becoming a Leader ................................................. 20 How to get help from La Leche League GB ............ 30 New Leaders ........................................................... 30 LLLGB Shop ............................................................ 31

Photo courtesy of Justine Fieth LLL Cambridge

Good nutrition means eating a well-balanced and varied diet of foods in as close to their natural state as possible.

(One of the ten LLL philosophy statements)

Helen Lloyd is a Leader in Bath and is mum to Isaac (4) and Aneurin (1). Co-Editor Justine Fieth is a Leader in Cambridge and is mum to Josh (11) and Kezia (8).

Editor’s letter Hello, and welcome to a new issue of Breastfeeding Matters .

This issue seems to be oriented around famil ies. The breastfeeding relationship is, of course, primari ly between a mother and her baby, but i t ’s rare for that pair to be without some kind of tribe around them, whether this is a blood family or a group of supporters. So many times, mothers coming to our

meetings tel l us that they feel they’ve finally come home, and it ’s an honour as a Leader to feel you’re helping to provide and furnish that home.

So we have lovely stories for you from mothers who have settled in LLL, finding companionship, comfort, and good old-fashioned mother to mother support.

Families aren’t always so helpful, though, and around the festive season tensions can sometimes come to a peak. When we’re trying to forge relationships in our own new family units, i t can be so hard to work out where the extended family fi ts in. Dealing with unwelcome advice from our own mothers or mothers -in-law, or tactful ly handling situations where people think they know our babies better than we do…this kind of thing is particularly hard at a time when there’s a pressure to present a perfect, happy picture. Our “mothers on…” column this issue touches on some of the issues in combining breastfeeding with family and social situations – please do write to us if you have any more thoughts on this!

Continuing the family theme, most children leave home some day, even if i t seems your clingy toddler wil l never let go of you. Now I’m feeling like a parent reluctantly enabling a child to move out, as we say goodbye to Lisa Hassan Scott. I ’m sure many of you, l ike me, wil l have read and loved Lisa’s column for the eight years she’s been writing for Breastfeeding Matters. This issue, she writes for us for the last time, and while I know she has a lot of exciting other projects, I feel very sorry to see her go (and, l ike a parent with a leaving child, am hoping for the occasional postcard at least).

Finally, and finishing the theme, we have a motto as LLL Leaders: “Family first”. In this case, i t has meant you might be reading this later than the start of the month. We’re a small (but dedicated) editorial team, al l volunteers, and my family has needed me in the past few weeks even more than LLL has. Justine and Benaifer have done a wonderful job of making this issue possible; I’d l ike to say normal service wil l be resumed next time but realistically, we’l l always be doing our best.

Al l the best to you and your famil ies, whatever shape and size they are.

Helen

Join us to chat on Facebook at www.facebook.com/breastfeedinglllgb

www.laleche.org.uk

TwinsTwins

Polly Smith LLL Southampton

Polly was delighted to learn she was expecting twins but found

plenty of hard times along the way, through pregnancy and the early days. She discovered her own internal resources and tells us here

about how she found her way through the first few years.

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Helpline 0845 120 2918

I was nine weeks pregnant when I discovered we were expecting twins. We had been planning to have ‘a baby’ but nothing could have prepared us for what was to unfold. I had been throwing up round the clock for three weeks, hadn’t washed for several days and was concentrating very hard on not throwing up on the sonographer. I had decided two weeks previously that I never wanted to be pregnant again – so I was delighted when I saw two little blobs on the screen! Unluckily for me, my list of pregnancy difficulties went on to include hyperemesis gravidarum, dehydration, coccyx pain, severe swelling of my entire body, pelvic girdle pain, pre-eclampsia and hyponatremia (low sodium levels). I had imagined the early days of pregnancy to be full of excitement, going into shops to look at baby clothes and keeping my secret from the majority of people until the moment I could announce that I was pregnant. I hadn’t imagined being housebound, seeing no one, losing a stone in weight and constantly hugging the toilet bowl. I celebrated my 30th birthday during this time and it was a lonely, miserable day. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was using crutches, then couldn’t walk, couldn’t get upstairs, no chance of getting anything ready, just surviving every day. I felt completely desperate. I wanted the pregnancy to end; I was envious of others who had their babies. At home, I was so swollen that the support tights I had to wear could only be swapped to a new pair by my husband. He absolutely dreaded the time in the evening when he had to take off the pair I’d been wearing all day, put cream and talcum powder on my legs and feet, then force the

clean pair on. It was awful. I was admitted to hospital, and got the impression the staff didn’t know that my vast weight was due to the swelling in my body. I begged with the doctors to take these babies out and they kept explaining that whilst the babies were happy, they were happy. They warned me of the risks of prematurity. So, the day I had them was a massive shock. I never went into labour. I woke up feeling different; I was in and out of consciousness. It was a Sunday, so staff were different, didn’t know me, and didn’t notice my change of state. I got moved to a chair to be ‘made more comfortable’. When I started screaming with pain from the pelvic girdle pain, I got moved to a different room. When I was being wheeled into the operating room, I just about knew my own name, but was in a state of panic about what was happening. These are not great conditions for breastfeeding! I didn’t handle the C-section well, starting with freaking out when I was given an epidural and couldn’t feel my legs. I felt so wobbly and nervous; I didn’t trust myself to hold my babies. I said I wanted to kiss them, so I kissed each of them on the forehead. They were delivered at 36 weeks and I looked at them and thought they looked quite ok! They were wrapped up tightly in blankets and didn’t look too happy, but at that moment, not too tiny either. The first thing I was asked was which formula brand I wanted to give them. This was while I was lying on the

I wanted the pregnancy to end; I was envious of others who had their babies.

operating table, incapacitated with my babies out of sight. To say I was disempowered was an under-statement. I was at their mercy, completely. I had no idea what was happening, what was going to happen, I couldn’t even understand how ill I was, because I was so unwell. The first night without them was awful. Of course, you can’t prepare yourself for being separated from your babies. I was in the high dependency unit, so I had my own nurse with me. She was lovely. I kept asking her to find out when I could see my babies. She would phone and check for updates for me, or just say "not yet" or she wasn't sure. She had to monitor me all the time, so I didn’t sleep much and all I could think about was needing my babies to be with me. By the time they were brought to me the following day, it was in the afternoon. They were born at 5pm and I didn’t see them until lunchtime the next day. Something happened in that time, a strange disconnection. A nurse from the special care baby unit had wheeled them up and she stood with them the whole time. I can only say that at that point they really didn’t feel like my babies. On a logical level, I knew they were, but on an emotional level, it didn’t seem real. The week that followed was a mixed up time, as I was reunited rather unceremoniously with my babies when they were moved into my room at around two and a half days old. We

didn’t know how to feed them, or when, which was hugely distressing. So my husband tried to get formula into them using a syringe, and I tried to get them to feed from the breast as often as I could. Before they had come back to me, several midwives had offered to hand express my milk, which I eventually accepted. Once they were roomed in with me, we had to record every feed on individual feeding charts, which was stressful, and wasn’t helped by having a midwife telling me that I had ‘too high expectations to exclusively breastfeed twins’. On another occasion I was told I ‘should stop feeding in these dribs and drabs’. One midwife spent a long time explaining the anatomy of the breast during a night shift. Having different staff round the clock for seven days led to inconsistency and confusion. My mum stayed with me day and night, and was instrumental in getting me successfully breastfeeding. She had no experience of premature babies, but she recognised the cues. She basically told me when to feed them and that I WAS doing it!

…you can’t prepare yourself for being separated from

your babies.

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I desperately wanted facts and help and I clearly remember speaking to Caroline, my local LLL Leader on the phone. I had phoned the LLLGB Helpline previously and I think that Leader gave me the local number. Those two voices were full of strength, compassion, confidence. It was amazing. Finally, I had people I could trust telling me that this was possible! We finally got discharged a week after the twins were born, and went home reassuring the hospital that we would continue on ‘the plan’ to combination feed. Once home, I instantly felt more in control. We still had visits from health visitors, but there was no constant monitoring, knocks at the door, or beeping from the hospital alarms. There was so much to overcome, it seemed impossible at times. My son had a tongue tie. Neither baby could latch on well because of being small, and my daughter developed severe colic and reflux at two weeks old. I had a visit from an NCT breastfeeding counsellor as I couldn’t get out of the house and she stayed with me for two hours, helping me to use nipple shields and reassuring me that I was getting there! As the babies continued to gain weight and my daughter’s colic got worse, I decided at around three weeks that I wanted to stop the formula. I discussed with my husband how we could try half a week of

exclusive breastfeeding and kept everything crossed they would gain weight. They did! I was ready and just completely set my mind to breastfeeding my babies round the clock, whenever they needed it. I felt determined. The fourth week was exclusive breastfeeding and when they gained again, I was so excited! Finally I was doing it. At week five, the baby blues that had hit me really badly, lifted. I was breastfeeding my babies, and the healing process had started. I truly believe that out of all the things my body and mind went through, the eight long months of pregnancy, the shock and trauma of the delivery, it was breastfeeding that got me connected to my babies again. I was in control; I was the one doing this monumental task. The nights were hard, but often the time I really looked forward to, because it was quiet, still, no one but me and my babies. I loved that time spent with them. My mum pretty much lived with us for the first couple of months and it was a long journey with difficulties along the way. I finally made it to my local LLL group when they were somewhere around six to eight months old. It felt like a huge achievement.

In the second year, feeding was enjoyable, more like how I had

imagined the first year to be.

The first year was my personal goal. I had wanted to feed them exclusively and am sad that they did have some formula during the early weeks. When I made it to a year, there seemed no reason to stop and in fact, stopping would have felt cruel because feeding was such an integral part of our days and nights. In the second year, feeding was actually mostly enjoyable, more like how I had imagined the first year to be, but it is so intense with twins that the first year for me was quite tough. I loved that second year and of course it was very helpful to be able to soothe them when they were teething, ill, needing reassurance and comfort after falling over etc. After the twins turned two I started breaking it down, another six months and then I’ll evaluate how we all feel. There were times when I wanted to stop, but mainly when I was run down, ill or exhausted. Slowly, though, things really seemed to ease off. The feeds were infrequent on some days, frequent on others. They pretty much stopped feeding at night somewhere around age two and a half; I did encourage this as really did want more sleep at this point! So I offered water, cuddles and we got through. Now they keep growing, and the only time I tandem feed is when we lie down for the bedtime feed and story. I still have no plan; my only goal is to make the end

a happy and gentle experience. I really hope it can be and things certainly seem to be going that way. I am so far from the person who didn’t think I could get through another night, another hour, another minute in the early days. I used to celebrate getting to another week, six weeks old, 12 weeks old, 26 weeks old, until I stopped counting in weeks. I feel so, so proud of myself and whilst I can’t change how things happened for me or make the trauma less from what it was, I can congratulate myself and thank the people around me for getting to this point with my amazing children.

Finding LLL, my homeFinding LLL, my home

All photos courtesy of Sophie Burrows

Sophie Burrows LLL West Sussex

Sophie writes about going to great lengths to get to the LLL

meetings, where it feels like home.

www.laleche.org.uk

I found La Leche League about a year ago. I'd just had my second child, Henry. I had him by 'natural' caesarean and tried to be as gentle as I could with such a procedure. Thankfully his birth had healed so many mental barriers I had from my previous somewhat terrifying birth, which had ended in me under general anaesthetic – a world away from my hoped for home birth. I found many people online who were very passionate about breastfeeding and there was a constant among their recommendations: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. As luck would have it, I decided I wanted to read and that was the book I read. I think it took me three days to read while feeding Henry. I instantly knew I had to find some meetings to attend because I felt I could have written the book myself! I found the group in Horsham, West Sussex first. Henry must have been around six weeks old, and my

husband stayed home to be with my eldest, Luke, while I went to the meeting. Unfortunately a tricky time in hospital had led to my parents taking a step back from my family unit which I hadn’t really been planning on, so I was feeling very unsteady at that point; without realising it, LLL pretty much jumped to my rescue. There are lovely warm and welcoming Leaders and group mothers in Horsham.

Even better, these people were on my wavelength! Something I'd struggled with for a while with my first son was justifying my actions with trying to be a gentle parent with him. I came from a kind family but it was very 'traditional' in its upbringing as was common at the time so my mother definitely struggled with helping to support me, though she tried her best. From that first Horsham meeting I was hooked. I looked up the next closest meeting and went to Chichester which was even more exciting and enriching for the path I was wanting to take. Little did I know that round the corner was a major emergency operation for me: I was admitted to hospital with Henry who I continued to feed throughout even in extreme pain after having an ovary

…these people were on my wavelength!

Breastfeeding is enhanced and the nursing couple sustained by the loving support, help, and companionship of the baby's father. A father's unique relationship with his

baby is an important element in the child's development from early infancy. (One of the ten LLL philosophy statements)

Helpline 0845 120 2918

LLL gives back a little bit of me but without compromising

my children's wellbeing.

removed. Again, LLL was something to look forward to and my husband accompanied me to the next meetings to help me since LLL was something I wasn't going to miss! When we become mothers we give up so much of ourselves to our children; LLL gives back a little bit of me but without compromising my children's wellbeing. It's there when I want it and need it and it's truthfully the highlight of my month. Getting my ‘LLL fix’ of like-minded mums in the same room makes me so very happy and I want everyone to know how wonderful LLL is. I'm so fortunate to have three meetings I can access too: Horsham, Chichester and Brighton are all wonderful in their own perfect ways and the printed resources offered by LLL make the experience even better. With the support of my husband, I feel like since finding LLL I've come home.

www.laleche.org.uk

Being a GrandmaBeing a Grandma Mary Wright

LLL Cambridge

Being a mother doesn’t stop when your children grow up. Here Mary tells

us about how becoming a

Grandma has given her a whole new

depth of experience.

I love being a Grandma and have the privilege of nurturing our four families. We have eight grandchildren, two from each family, ranging from ages two to ten, with a mix of boys and girls. On the few occasions that we all manage to get together, we feel so proud of them and take great pleasure in the lovely way they are all growing and maturing.

Grandmothering is a journey into the unknown, just like parenting, and yet the wisdom and experience gathered over the years can help create a more balanced view and perspective on life, knowing how quickly everything changes. Grandma is a step back from direct responsibility and this frees me to keep a sense of humour and enjoy the children without the stresses of

Helpline 0845 120 2918

the deeper emotional connection that parents naturally experience. I believe that the LLL approach of ‘mothering the mother’, and dads, too, really helps when supporting families, whether with new babies or older children. I am very lucky to feel I have positive, happy relationships with our two daughters and daughters-in-law and two sons and sons-in-law. Perhaps they might think otherwise! In my view, being Grandma is about listening to, understanding, acknowledging and accepting what is happening within each family, so that I can offer support, help and encouragement in ways they identify as wanted and needed. I am always happy to do any household chores that help family life to run more smoothly. I also love to spend time with our grandchildren when this helps with parents’ work commitments, illness, and holiday cover or just for fun. It is great being retired and having time to do this. One of my biggest joys is meeting my grandchildren from school and seeing their faces light up when they see me. My husband and I are also delighted when the families choose to come and visit or stay. We try to make our home child-friendly and welcoming and to provide meals the children enjoy, so that life is easy for everyone. We have no specific expectations of any particular holiday times, especially Christmas, and are accepting of whatever works best for each family. We try to be sensitive to each family’s different circumstances and

avoid making negative comments about one to the others, or stirring up competition between them. I believe in respecting the styles and approaches each family develops and following these to provide continuity for the children. Parenting is a hard and challenging job, perhaps more so these days, with little positive feedback or praise from anyone. As parents we make it up as we go along and are often our own worst critics, with all the anxiety and lack of confidence we bring to this role. We assume others have got it right while we just muddle along. Grandmas can be a real boost of reassurance, acknowledging how well the parents are doing and what lovely children they are bringing up. If asked, I am happy to share my thoughts about things usually with an LLL perspective, and use phrases like “in my experience, babies feel secure when…” or “children often react because…”. I avoid offering ‘advice’ about what our families ‘need, should or ought’ to do. Hopefully this enables my children to feel supported and to know we are there for them, rather than judged.

Grandmas can be a real boost of reassurance, acknowledging how

well the parents are doing and what lovely children they are

bringing up.

www.laleche.org.uk

From infancy on, children need loving guidance which reflects acceptance of their capabilities and sensitivity to their feelings.


As a grandparent, it can be tricky to manage grandchildrens’ behaviour and see how parents handle their children’s challenges. I believe that in the end, it is about dealing with children respectfully and with understanding, acknowledging the frustration being experienced, and trying to stay positive, consistent and calm. As adults, we have had many years of managing our own emotions, and it helps to recognise that small children only have very limited experience. When we ‘lose our rag’, as most of us do from time to time, we model for our children how to deal with their frustrations and outbursts. One of the LLL Founding Mothers, Marian Thompson reminds us that the word ‘discipline’ come from ‘disciple’ and is about following the example of someone we love and trust. I have always valued the LLL view of seeing things through a child’s eyes, being sensitive to what they are doing and feeling and responding appropriately. I know that sometimes as a mother I

felt I got it right but probably more often than not I didn’t. Grandmas have more limited resources of energy and often benefit from sitting down amongst the ‘full-on’ness of family life. It can be a challenge to be on children’s wave lengths when they talk about Minecraft, Pokémon, and Lego characters, but it is possible to pretend to look knowledgeable! It is a very precious and special time. My involvement with LLL over thirty-six years and all the skills and approaches I have learnt as a Leader, have had a huge impact on my attitudes, perspectives and understanding. These have, and continue to influence all aspects of my life. Thank you LLL. I love being a Grandma.

It is a very precious and special time.

Helpline 0845 120 2918

An A to Z of Breastfeeding At a recent meeting, mothers at LLL of Northampton spent some time working out an A to Z of breastfeeding. We’re impressed by their creativity!

A: Always there, antibodies B: Bonding C: Cancer risk reduced, complete nutrition, child-led D: Depression (risk reduced), distraction E: Ecological, eye ointment F: Free, friends, fresh, flying G: Graceful, growth, Goddess H: Happy, health I: Illness, immune system J: Joy, journey K: 'Keh' swallowing newborn noises L: Link between mum and baby M: Mothering, medicinal N: Normalising O: Oxytocin P: Preparation (none needed) Q: Quality, quiet, quick R: Relaxing S: Soothing, sleep, safe, no sterilisation T: Teething, travel U: Unique, uterus contracts V: Very, very nice. Vitality, viruses W: Wonderful X: Crossroads Y: Yummy, years (no limit) Z: Zzzzzzzz's for good sleep

Human milk is the natural food for babies, uniquely meeting their changing needs.


www.laleche.org.uk

We asked mothers about breastfeeding and family gatherings.

Mothers on Mothers on …… ...breastfeeding during family festivities

Vanessa Breastfeeding is a great way to get people to stop wanting to hold your precious newborn at big gatherings. Charlotte I love watching my grandparents’ reaction to me breastfeeding my son. It’s been so supportive and nurturing. I wondered if they would find it hard, but it’s been the opposite and they have actively encouraged me. That’s been very special. Alison My son was five months old for his first Christmas. He had a lovely present filled day and a very hyper big brother. I discovered how lovely my Mum's sofa was to nurse on. That evening, back home at bedtime he proceeded to stay latched for five hours straight! I could have tried to get away but just thought of all those neurons being built by my milk in order for him to process the day. Great way to duck out of tidying up too! J'Nel Family is sometimes more awkward to nurse in front of than strangers. Depending on where the festivities are, finding a quiet room for a "rest" can sometimes make it a little more comfortable. With strangers we don't have to worry about what they think or seeing them again. Kelly Breastfeeding is a great way to get out of all that washing up! And it’s a really a lovely way to catch a moment in all the madness to help them settle down when it all gets too much or tiredness sets in. Helen I always found it OK. But people tended to give me a wide berth as I was "feeding the baby" so I did always feel a bit like I was avoided whilst feeding. That said, my daughter fed in public til she was about 2 years 9 months, so they did eventually get used to it! I did make a point of never going off to another room to feed (unless she was overtired and needed a nap) from the beginning as I didn't want to make it a "thing". I think if you hide away when they are weeny, it can potentially be seen as more controversial if suddenly then you don't. Vanessa I remember at a busy church we went to I was made to feel very anxious as I was politely told I could use the feeding room by three separate people each time he fed (room even had a sign that said "women only" on). I said "no I'm fine here!" My baby was only out of hospital a few weeks and there was no way I was hiding off in a room away from my husband who was our support and glass of water supplier. Suzanne I've fed at family occasions with two children and will do with my third this year. I think it's great, it gets you out of cooking, clearing up, and it momentarily

Helpline 0845 120 2918

B LLLGB!

The information and support that LLL Leaders offer are free of charge but getting the information to mothers costs money!

By becoming a member you help us to:-

operate our 24/7 National Helpline produce leaflets and information sheets prepare new Leaders start new groups

As a member you will receive this members' magazine Breastfeeding Matters

An annual membership cost only £30 for 12 months An annual membership cost only £30 for 12 months (£18 for an unwaged family)(£18 for an unwaged family)

Join online at www.laleche.org.uk/content/join-us

or ask your local LLL Leader for a membership form

distracts from the hideously large presents the grandparents have just bought for the kids! I've always been surprised how lovely everyone in my family and my partner’s have been when I've been feeding, coming to see the baby anyway and offering to bring me drinks and snacks. Hopefully this year will be the same! Jude Being able to ‘escape’ stressful family gatherings to retreat to a quiet room to breastfeed has been a live-saver! I’ve frequently disappeared to get my oxytocin-hit with my baby before returning back to the chaos feeling much calmer. Benaifer We were away from family when our babies were little, apart from my Mum who came up and visited us in Scotland. She made it very special—even on our first Christmas with our new baby when we forgot to shop! We had some sort of defrosted meat and scraps of this and that. It didn’t matter though, as Mum thought it was all hysterical and enjoyed that I breastfed and really enjoyed looking after me, even though my baby was ten months old. Anna I think I've often expected to be challenged or criticised and so might have been defensive whenever anyone asked me about breastfeeding, when actually I've realised that often it's just family wanting to know more. There's no judgement, they are just interested! Lisa I love those night breastfeeds in the middle of all the chaos around festivities. The days can feel so busy and full, that in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep, I love just being able to have my baby all to myself!

www.laleche.org.uk

Tell us about you, your family, and which LLL group you're involved with. I am 37 years old and mum to Bob who was six in September. I adore travel, meeting new people and being outdoors (as well as secret passions for home renovating and international law!). Having co-led LLL Airedale and Wharfedale from 2014, I recently moved to South Wales and now co-lead LLL Vale of Glamorgan with the wonderful Trish Bennett. I travel to Sydney, Australia several times of year to visit loved ones, and when there, I help out with the recently formed LLL Sydney groups. What was your first involvement with LLL? Bob was the quintessential "fussy baby" (I am forever grateful to Dr Sears for his book on the same) and my desire to meet his needs in a responsive way, and to be supported in doing so, led me to seek out my local LLL group in Yorkshire when he was four weeks old. I arrived wearing heels and make-up as a sort of defensive "armour" as I didn't know any new mum friends at all and had no idea what to expect from anyone or anything. I walked in looking nervous and said to the amazing Becky Bowers (LLL Leader): "my baby won't sleep in his moses basket!" Becky gave me an enormous smile, incredibly open and friendly body language, and replied: "Ahhh yes... lots of newborns are not always that keen on being away from their mums...why don't you come and have a cuppa and we can talk about it some more". And that was that. I was home. What made you decide to become a Leader? After I had been breastfeeding Bob for around two years, I desperately wanted to support mothers with breastfeeding and other maternity issues. I had toyed with another organisation but found it too conservative and constrained by its sponsorship issues and the fact that it was run as a business. I was very active in a mother-to-mother way, supporting women on Facebook and starting groups for them with a "gentle listening" ethos. I was helping out with every LLL meeting and doing a myriad of other local maternity campaign work (trying to find my calling I think). Then Becky, my sponsoring Leader approached me one day and said: "Have you ever thought about becoming an LLL Leader?". Now Becky and I are very close, but we don't always approach things in the same way outside of mothering through breastfeeding, and we have different interests and abilities and vulnerabilities and friends outside of LLL; so I replied: "Errr, please don't take this in any negative way, but I'm not exactly the same as you though; we don't choose to do everything the same when it comes to life and family."

Meet a Leader Meet a Leader Each issue we talk to a Leader, asking them about their involvement with LLL. This issue we talk to Johanna Rhys-Davies, LLL Vale of Glamorgan.

Photos courtesy of Jo Rhys-Davies

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Becky replied: "That's exactly why I want you to consider it. You don't have to be the same as me. We have a very clear and amazing philosophy that all Leaders feel able to support and use as guidance in their family lives. But you are different outside of that, and I see our different styles and approaches working well for different mothers that come to the meetings. LLL is so much about meeting mothers where they are at, and supporting them to meet the different needs of their individual babies. It stands to reason that we Leaders can't and shouldn't all be carbon copies of each other beyond the philosophy. Let’s talk about the philosophy and go from there." The moment I started to read more on the philosophy and what Leadership entailed, I knew that I had found something incredibly special that fitted me and my family perfectly. I have had wobbles along the way; but I have never wavered in my conviction that it is a true honour and a privilege to be an LLL Leader, and that the organisation is unique in its ability and significance on a one to one level and throughout the world. What's a typical meeting of your group like? I love how all of the meetings I attend vary and yet the language and listening is the same! A typical meeting in Yorkshire was in a community hall and had 16+ mothers and children, so we often had to divide it up or use an adjacent room. In Wales (and Sydney) the meetings are held in a Leader's home and typically have around 8-10 families. Wherever I am, there are always babies and children from newborn to around six (sometimes older!); there is always a table covered in all of our amazing LLLGB leaflets; lots of wonderful books to borrow; many cups of tea; and a fair amount of flapjacks! Is there anything LLL does – or could do – beyond your group that you'd like to tell the world about? I am constantly telling the world about LLL whenever I can! LLL listening skills and communication skills have a wide ranging impact. There is tremendous empowerment of a person when they have been truly listened to, and space has been held for them to find their own solution, their own path and to achieve their own goals. True, authentic listening skills are woefully underused, misunderstood and under-taught, in many parts of the developed world today. I have seen at first hand the incredibly powerful effect that these skills can have on children, on adults, and especially on parents. It can affect how that person goes on to make decisions, live their life, and listen to and support the decision-making of others around them, including their children. I truly believe that it is the most tremendous gift that we as Leaders can pass on to others across the world. Following from that is the ripple effect – how one Leader supporting one mother, can lead to that mother and baby transforming their own experience of mothering through breastfeeding and their own family life and that of their own children. It can lead to her suggesting to another mother that she comes to a meeting or call the Helpline, and it often leads to that first mother passing on some lovely support and understanding with breastfeeding challenges to another mother. It can lead to a mother deciding to become a Leader; it can lead to others fundraising or campaigning in their community, or educating in their workplace about the importance of breastfeeding; giving talks at workshops or applying to be a director of LLLGB: all of which ultimately leads to even more families approaching LLL

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and being listened to and respected... it is an enormously significant ripple effect. If you had a friend with a new baby, what would you take as a gift on your first visit? I always take food like lasagne and flapjacks, and some time to listen and offer ideas about breastfeeding. And an offer to put the washing on. What would you say is the biggest benefit of LLL membership? Knowing that you are always connected to a ‘global village’ of like-minded parents who see the significance of mothering through breastfeeding in all of its stages. And knowing that through your membership money you are generously affording a new mum just like you were once, to be given empowering support, understanding and accurate information – completely free of charge – exactly when she needs it the most.

Would you like to give something back to La Leche League for the support you have received?

Would you like to support other mothers

to breastfeed?

Then the La Leche League International accreditation process may be the life changing experience you are looking for.

To find out more about becoming an LLL Leader, speak with your local Leader about the prerequisites and the role.

If you don’t have a group near you, contact Tracey [email protected] for more information.

Making the transition from being a mother—to being a mother who is also an LLL Leader could just be the fulfilling adventure you have been waiting for!

[email protected]

Helpline 0845 120 2918

There is a dance I do. There is a dance I love. It is a dance for two. It is a dance for three. The prelude to this dance is a whirlwind of preparation, bouncing on the bed, tug of war with clothes and laughter. As we lay down to dance this dance, my partners and I, my heart starts to slow, my shoulders start to fall. As we dance this dance, my partners and I, my mouth relaxes into a smile. As we dance this dance, my partners and I, their hands link in playful tugging and twisting. As we dance this dance, my partners and I, my eyes start to close, my breathe starts to deepen and slow. As we dance this dance, my partners and I, their eyes take a rest, their hands rest on mine as I lead them in the dance to the land of Nod. This is the dance I can do if I let go.......

Charlotte Crane LLL Monmouth

SSlow Dance to the Land of NodSlow Dance to the Land of Nod

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My heroesMy heroes

Karem Roitman LLL Oxford

Karem writes about some of her ‘sheroes’, the women who have inspired her with the strength and courage they have

displayed in their breastfeeding journeys.

When I am afraid, tired, and want to quit I think of my

‘sheroes’.

I teach my four year old that crying is ok. I tell him that to be brave is not to lack fear – that would just be foolish or ignorant – but to act in spite of the fear. Courage is doing what is right even while trembling and crying. Breastfeeding takes courage. You jump into it terrified that it will not work, that you cannot make milk, that you are doing it all wrong as the baby is still crying, fussy, and waking up all the time. But you keep going. Even while trembling, even in tears you keep going. That is brave. Sometimes things do go wrong and force hard choices that are not ideal. And you keep going, and you keep trying. You forgive yourself and others and keep loving your child with all your soul and all your body. That is courage. When I am afraid, tired, and want to quit I think of my ‘sheroes’; women whose determination and

strength inspire and challenge me. Sometimes these women are most heroic when they think themselves failing, but keep going, terrified and strong. S was strong, brave, and wise, when with tears in her eyes and a broken heart she fed her month old baby a bottle of formula in the realisation that she needed help. She desperately wanted to breastfeed exclusively. She had struggled to breastfed her first child after a terrible pregnancy and severe post-natal depression. Things seemed better for her second child and she had information about the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding, but a severe tongue tie and delayed surgery meant the baby could not latch and her supply suffered.

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The lactation consultant explained the need to have skin to skin contact and to feed the baby and pump as often as possible, but she also told her that her baby was too weak at the moment and needed food urgently. The first priority was to feed the baby, then to re-establish her milk production and teach the baby to latch. S just wanted to breastfeed, she did not want to introduce formula, but in urgency, with a trembling heart, ice in her stomach, and tears in her eyes, she fed that baby what she needed to. And that was brave. She was exhausted, and scared, but she did her best despite her fears. My friend L has a beautiful boy who decided to come a bit early. Just before she got things ready he decided to be born: beautiful, strong and healthy, but just a little bit too small to latch. In a hospital, scared and unprepared, she suddenly had to choose formula to support the first few days – something she had never considered. Then while the baby grew she spent hours each day at the pump. Then came the months of teaching the little one to latch onto her breasts again – rather than a bottle. I see her sitting so gracefully, a crying baby on her arms, gentle sweat covering her forehead, latching and unlatching him again and again, until they both get it right. I cannot imagine myself so patient, so determined, not giving up in the midst of his cries, persevering. A year later and

the baby is still breastfeeding. He thrived because of her incredibly hard work. R is not even aware that she served as my first model of breastfeeding. She set up her system and seemed to accomplish things effortlessly, setting the bar for what I set out to do. Only years later would I hear stories of her daughter not latching for the first couple of weeks, being fed breastmilk every hour from her dad’s fingers while R pumped endlessly. In the middle of the night on one of those overwhelming first days, as she finished pumping and started cleaning the pump her tired and clumsy husband tripped on the stairs and spilled all the milk. They might laugh about it now but I doubt there was much joy that night. He held the screaming baby while R sat in tears and pumped again. Every woman’s journey is unique and uniquely challenging. I have had my own set of emotional struggles with breastfeeding, when I seek inspiration and support. Friends and family who have exposed their vulnerability in their breastfeeding path have modelled courage and strength to me. Thank you for inspiring me to continue – even when in tears, even when trembling.

I cannot imagine myself so patient, so determined.

Every woman’s journey is unique and uniquely

challenging.

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I have just emerged from beneath the warm, crumpled duvet of my son’s bed, after spending the last moments of his day with him as he drifted into a deep sleep, all smooth brow and parted lips. We end each day like this, wrapped around one another, his legs tucked up against mine, or the length of his back matched to my own, a living, breathing hot water bottle. After he is well away to sleep, I carefully climb over him and reluctantly lift myself from his bed to do all the things the evening requires.

And to think, if I’d listened to parenting “experts”, or any of those critics who said I was making a rod for my own back – to think what I would have missed. The more I clattered down the track of this train of thought, the more experiences I realised I would have missed, had I ignored my instincts and initially-meek inner voice, and listened to those people (well intentioned, or otherwise) who weren’t living my life or parenting my children.

And to think ... And to think ... Lisa Hassan Scott

Helpline 0845 120 2918

Milky feeds while the grey light of dawn peeks around the curtains and the first blackbird trills his song… The heavy you-and-me oneness of my baby holding me in a full-body embrace as she sleeps soundly in a sling… The satisfaction of knowing that those chubby rolls on her thighs came from my milk alone… Waking to the musky breeze of my child’s breath on my face… The heart-stopping realisation that my child is now too big to be picked up… and yet feeling gratitude in knowing that I held her as much as I could have done and as much as she needed… In 2008, at the insistence of my friend and former Editor, Barbara, I began writing this column. In each magazine, I have shared with you a vignette from my family’s life, and my own thoughts on how breastfeeding my children and learning to mother them has shaped me as a person. And though mothering through breastfeeding was integral to the person I have become, it was this column that was the first in the stepping stones I traversed to arrive at a place where I can confidently say that I am “a writer.” This is my final Lisa’s Log column for Breastfeeding Matters. Newer projects are on the horizon: my blog, a book, e-courses… and so it is time to release this space to

another mother-writer who will share her own thoughts and feelings on mothering, in her own way. Upon leaving this space, I want to thank the Leaders who have supported me in my writing, particularly Barbara Higham, Philippa Pearson-Glaze and Helen Lloyd. Thank you to the readers who have stuck with me these eight years, and especially those who have taken a moment to let me know their reactions to what they have read here. Finally (and before this begins to sound like an Oscar acceptance speech) I owe a debt of gratitude to my fellow Leaders (active and retired) in the South Wales Chapter, who have inspired me through their whole-hearted authentic mothering. You are my people. I finish in the way I began: with a reminder to us all that listening to our own instincts does not create rods for our backs. In my case, it created a cuddly little hot water bottle of a boy who nestles beside me as he moves into that most vulnerable place of sleep each night. Whenever this feels like another chore to be done, I remind myself that children are not rods. They are gifts. I allow myself to lie there with him for a few more moments and I silently, breathlessly intone, “Thank you.”

©Lisa Hassan Scott 2015.

Lisa Hassan Scott is a La Leche League Leader living in South Wales with her husband and three children ages 12, 9 and 5. She blogs at

www.lisahassanscott.co.uk

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MMy tribe of mamas gathered round...

We got there eventuallyWe got there eventually

Vicky Machin LLL West Sussex

Vicky and her baby didn’t have an easy start to

breastfeeding, but she was confident in her support network and everything worked out in the end.

Tomorrow my baby Teddy is one! I can't quite believe it. It's gone so quickly and yet it's been a long journey. Teddy stopped latching on day two after her birth, flummoxing everyone; lactation consultants, peer-supporters, midwives...no one could understand why she stopped latching, and nothing would get her to feed from me. So I started expressing, I pumped day and night, and if I wasn't pumping I was feeding milk back to her before starting the whole process again. In between times I would offer the breast, over and over, willing her just to try. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to cry whilst wired up to the double pump, watching the slow drip, wondering what I was doing wrong. My tribe of mamas gathered round, sending me packages from across the country, full of breastfeeding knowledge and support. My husband took over everything, the house, the other children, so that I could just focus on getting milk into our daughter, who was slipping down the centiles by two weeks old. By three weeks we were able to drop the one bottle of formula top-up she was having each day, as I had finally got my supply up to match her needs. But the refusal to latch continued and so did the pumping. I bought six

different types of nipple shields and tried every single one. So now I was pumping, feeding it back to her, offering the breast and then offering the breast with the shield. Feeding her was a full time enterprise. But I knew that whatever I chose to do, my tribe had my back. At six weeks she had decided on a favourite shield and, my goodness, she was transferring milk! I could finally cut back on the pumping and concentrate on keeping her at the breast. By eight weeks I hung up my pump and the hideous peekaboo pumping bra for the last time. It was an amazing feeling. At the beginning and end of each feed I would offer Teddy my breast without the shield, just letting her get used to the idea. Then at ten weeks, she did it. She fed. From me. Directly from me, with no shield. By 12 weeks I put the shields away, she had done it. We had done it! She was finally, after three months, completely back to breast. Her weight gain was still a worry, so I started a routine of breast compressions and lots of swapping sides. At six months she had gone from the 2nd centile to the 25th. On breast milk alone we had got her back to her birth centile!

Now, at 12 months, we are at a point I never thought we'd get to. She is the happiest of breastfeeding babies; she is my warrior baby, she never gave up on me. She feeds throughout the night, sometimes she nips me with her new teeth, I am still suffering from Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (now that's a whole other story!), I am tired out, but I wouldn't change a thing. I haven't managed to make any LLL meetings this whole year, but now that both of my older children are at school from September and with the new challenges feeding a toddler brings, I hope to meet my local LLL tribe very soon.

I love the group’s local Facebook page, I love the support it gives and the way that at whatever time of day or night you post, someone will always reply to you, with ideas or just a kind and supportive word. Mothers are strong, we can overcome so much. Thank you for being here and being a part of our journey.

BBy eight weeks I hung up my pump and the hideous peekaboo pumping

bra for the last time.

Dear Editor

After over two years of breastfeeding my wonderful son, he decided to stop. Just like that. No weaning. I still settle him in the same places for sleeping and we cuddle and say how much we love each other. Breastfeeding beyond babyhood was an up and down road, with highs and lows but I'm so glad that I devoted this part of my life to him. I am so glad I slept with him in our room/bed until he realised the gift of his own room. I am so glad I napped with him. I am so glad that I went to him if he called at night. He slept on his own in his own bed all night when he was ready to do it. It happened without me having to do anything. I didn't need to worry and stress in those early days, all I needed to do was follow him completely. That included introducing solids—I wish I had followed him rather than other advice. It is not a road without its challenges, both personal and cultural, but it has been an amazing journey and I am so thankful to La Leche League for their unending support. They were there for my personal doubts, for conflicting ideas that can crop up between friends/family/partner. They were there, always and that was great. Many thanks ladies.

Amy, LLL Bristol

Letters... breastfeeding

[email protected]

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In the early years, the baby has an intense

need to be with his mother ... A series discussing the LLL philosophy concepts.

What does this concept mean? This is on the face of it one of the more straightforward concepts to understand. It says that although breastfeeding is fundamental to a baby’s well-being, the reason it matters is not just nutrition. For a baby in a nursing relationship, being close to his mother makes all the difference. Breastmilk doesn’t just feel like food; it feels like love. Doing our best as mothers, and working hard on building a strong and lasting breastfeeding relationship, involves devoting intensive time in the early years to getting to know our babies, and working on understanding their needs. Breastfeeding is a great excuse to stay close to your baby: no one can argue that he doesn’t need you. When mothers express an interest in becoming Leaders, they are asked to talk about how they have handled any separation from their babies to give careful attention to their needs. Obviously work plays a part in this: if you’re away from your child for several hours a day from very early, you’ll need to put particular effort into

keeping breastfeeding going. Young babies need milk through the day, but they also yearn for connection with their mothers, so restoring and replenishing that connection when you’re reunited becomes so important. What doesn’t this concept mean? None of our LLL philosophy prescribes only one way of parenting. Although many of the principles of Attachment Parenting provide sound science behind a baby’s intense need for his mother and it fits well with LLL values, still our philosophy never states that mothers and their babies must be together at all times, carried in a sling and bed sharing. Am I ignoring my baby’s needs by having a job? You are the expert on your own baby and the only one who understands your baby and your whole family’s needs. It can be heart-breaking to leave a small baby regularly, and many mothers find that the looming end of their maternity leave gives them a chance to look with fresh eyes at their work situation. Some find they can negotiate part time hours, or flexible working or working from home; others look at finding childcare

This article is part of a series discussing the LLL philosophy concepts. You may be aware that there are ten concepts underlying what LLL does. As Leaders we sign up to these, and they help to shape our responses, the way we run meetings, and the type of information that we provide. This issue, we will look more closely at “In the early years, the baby has an intense need to be with his mother which is as basic as his need for food.”

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In the early years the baby has an intense need to be with his mother which is as basic as his need for food.


close to their workplaces. For yet others, the reality is that full time work is unavoidable, and that means extra effort to be sure that they can be close to their babies all the rest of the time. Some mothers even start co-sleeping once they return to work, to gain in night-time closeness what they’re losing by having to be away in the day (and to cater for the “reverse cycling” that many babies start – feeding a lot in the night to make up for being apart from their mothers in the day). Aren’t all LLL Leaders rich stay-at-home mothers? Absolutely not! LLLGB Leaders come from all walks of life, and we’ve all had to work out the balance for our own families. Some of us work outside the home and have since our

children were small, although we have all continued to breastfeed them until at least a year old; some are at home full time, and some of us fit in bits of work around our mothering, or run our own businesses. If you’re wondering whether LLL Leadership could be for you, then please don’t feel you’re automatically excluded by having a job – talk to your local Leader who will happily share our prerequisites for Leadership with you. Alternatively, contact [email protected], to see whether LLL philosophy is a good fit for you and whether you’ve got a space in your life for Leadership. By Helen Lloyd & Benaifer Bhandari

Reading recommendations Books that help with understanding a baby’s need to be with his mother include Why love matters: how affection shapes a baby’s brain (Sue Gerhard), and chapter 14 of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, “When you can’t be with your baby” although our philosophy is expressed throughout the book. These are available in the LLLGB shop, as are information sheets on Working and breastfeeding, When mum can’t be there, Expressing your milk, Storing your milk, If you leave your baby and Staying home instead?

Books specifically about work include Breastfeeding and working made simple (Morbacher) (previously reviewed in Breastfeeding Matters) and the old classic Nursing Mother, Working Mother (Pryor). You might also be lucky enough to find Hirkani’s Daughters: women who scale modern mountains to combine breastfeeding and working in your local group’s library – another great reason to go to meetings!

How to get help from La Leche League GB

Our Helpline might be our best known contact point. Call us on 0845 120 2918, any time at all. Your call will be taken by a La Leche League Leader – an accredited breastfeeding counsellor – in her own home. This means it can sometimes take a while to get through to someone so please don’t be disheartened. It might be a good idea to try again at a different time of day (meal times are quite often fraught, as many of us have young children!). If you want individual help but you find it hard to get to the phone, you could try an Online Help Request. These can be accessed at www.laleche.org.uk/content/submitting-help-request (which also has helpful links to other information). If you fill in as much information as you can about your query, someone will be in touch. You might find the answers to your questions on our websites www.laleche.org.uk or on one of the fantastic information sheets we sell in our shop www.lllgbbooks.co.uk Or if you’d like a longer read, the La Leche League book The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, also available from our shop, contains a huge amount of information in a very friendly format, covering all ages and stages from pregnancy through to weaning. If what you really want is the mother-to-mother support that we’re known for, you’ll always find it at your local LLL group – find it at www.laleche.org.uk/find-lll-group (and watch these pages for information about new groups being started). This page can also help you to find details of any Leaders local to you who you could call for a chat.

For keen Facebook users our LLLGB because Breastfeeding Matters page shares interesting links and articles, and we’ll repost your queries if you send them to us there, so that other mothers can comment too. You can follow us on Twitter @LLLGB – here, again, we share interesting links and snippets.

Finally, of course, you always have this magazine. Please email us on [email protected] if you have ideas for content, or write us a letter for publication, or consider sharing your story with our readers, or submit a question for our mother to mother page: the possibilities are endless!

LLLGB is proud to announce and welcome our most recent Leaders: Steph Whitely—LLL Shipley Tracey Benn—LLL Bristol Heather Birt—LLL Thame Georgie Dorsett—LLL St Neots Kathryn Robson—LLL Tyne and Wear Lynda Boothroyd—LLL Durham

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Shopping with LLLGB Books makes a difference.

Choosing to buy your breastfeeding and parenting books from our LLLGB Shop directly helps other

mothers and babies.

All our profits go to support LLLGB’s charitable work. It’s money well spent!

For our full range of information leaflets and books

on breastfeeding and parenting, visit:

lllgbbooks.co.uk

LLL Books Ltd, P O Box 29, West Bridgford, Nottingham, NG2 7NP Company No 1566925 Registered Charity No 283771

make a difference ...

Photo Lois Rowlands

La Leche League PhilosophyLa Leche League Philosophy

The basic philosophy of La Leche League is summarised in the following statements:

Mothering through breastfeeding is the most natural and effective way of understanding and satisfying the needs of the baby. Mother and baby need to be together early and often to establish a satisfying relationship and an adequate milk supply. In the early years the baby has an intense need to be with his mother which is as basic as his need for food. Human milk is the natural food for babies, uniquely meeting their changing needs. For the healthy, full-term baby, breastmilk is the only food necessary until the baby shows signs of needing solids, about the middle of the first year after birth. Ideally the breastfeeding relationship will continue until the baby outgrows the need. Alert and active participation by the mother in childbirth is a help in getting breastfeeding off to a good start. Breastfeeding is enhanced and the nursing couple sustained by the loving support, help, and companionship of the baby's father. A father's unique relationship with his baby is an important element in the child's development from early infancy. Good nutrition means eating a well-balanced and varied diet of foods in as close to their natural state as possible. From infancy on, children need loving guidance which reflects acceptance of their capabilities and sensitivity to their feelings.

The ideals and principles of mothering which are the foundation of LLL International beliefs are further developed in

THE WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING 8th Edition

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matters - La Leche League

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Transcript of matters - La Leche League