LoveHypnosis

GeorgeHuttonmindpersuasion.com

©MindPersuasion

ContentsIntroductionMechanicsStructureofLearningTwoOutcomesEngineeringWhat'sNaturalTheMeaningofLoveNon-VerbalCreationofLoveMutualOne-ItisLoveIngredients-AncientTribeLoveIngredients-ModernSocietyFirstSkill-Objective-SubjectiveSpectrumMetaSkill-IncentiveManagementSocialSkillsBuildingCriteriaBuildingDisqualificationAdultvs.ChildrenGardenMetaphorMetaModelQuestionsMetaModelSpecificsMetaModelPracticeNon-JudgmentalRapportSwitchingTopicsBewaretheEgoSecretTricksEmotionsandSexSneakyTricksandAdvancedTacticsSneakierTricksEmbeddedCommandStructureElicitandMagnifyTheSelfPointPushPullPuttingitalltogetherDailyHabitsFinalWordsContactMindPersuasionKindleBooks

Introduction

Thisguidewillteachyouhowtogeneratethefeelingscommonlyreferredtoasloveinanotherhuman.Thiswon'tinvolvewitchcraftormagicspells.Italsowon'tdependonluckorapplyinganynumbersgames.Thetruthisthatifyoucangetsomebodytomeetwithyouforacupofcoffee,youcangetthemtofallinlovewithyou.Thismaysoundfar-fetched.Youmayhavepurchasedbookslikethesebefore,withseductivetitleslike,MakeAnybodyFallinLovewithYouinThreeSeconds,onlytofindthemfilledwithvagueadvicelike,"Beauthentic,"or"expressyourtrueself."Whilebeingauthenticandexpressingyourtrueselfsoundgoodintheory,theyaretooambiguoustodoanygood.It'saboutashelpfulasabasketballcoachtellinghisteam,"Scoremorepointsthantheotherteam."Butifyoustickwithme,ifyoumanagetomakeitthroughthisguideandalltheideasandskillsitcontains,youwillbeabletomakepeoplefallinlovewithyou.Whichpeople?StrangersThesewillbetheeasiestpeopletogettofallinlovewithyou.Why?ToeverysinglestrangeronEarth,youareablankslate.Theyknownothingofyourpersonality,nothingofyourstrengthsandweaknesses.Thismeansyoucancreateanyideaaboutyourselfintheirmindthatyouwish.LostLoveTitlesandcoursesthatinvolvesecrettricksonhowtogetyourexbackarecommon.Thisissobecauseofsimplemarketdynamics.Themoredemandthereis,themoreproductstherewillbetosatisfythatdemand.Psychologistsandsocialscientiststellusthebiggestmotivatingfactorinhumansistryingtoretrievesomethingthatwe'dlost.WhenCocaColamadethesillydecisiontochangetheirformulatoNewCoke,theynearlywentoutofbusiness.Theydidn'tanticipatethatthiswouldbeseenasatreasonousactbytheirloyalcustomers,allofwhomlikedverymuchwhatisnowcalled"ClassicCoke."Peoplehadtheir

Coke,andCoketookitaway.Whenpeopleareinlove,themostwonderfulfeelingwesillyhumanswilleverfeel,anditislost,wewilldoanythingtogetitback.Themarketforhowtomakethishappenishuge,anditwillnevernotbehuge.Peoplefallinloveallthetime.Peopleloseloveallthetime.Andpeoplethatloselovewillalwaysbewillingtodoanythingtogetthatloveback.Ifyouareinthisposition,thisguidewillhelpyouachievethat.Butunderstanditwon'tbeeasy.Itwon'tbeassimpleasmemorizingafewmagicwords,orsayingthat"onething"thatwillchangetheirmind.Ifyoureallyarewillingtodoanything,thetechniquesinthisguidewillhelpyougetthemback.ExistingRelationshipsIfyouareinarelationshipthathaslostitsspark,thisguidewillhelpyoufireitupagain.You'lllearnsomesimpleconversationalstrategiesthatwillturnyourpartnerintoanunstoppablelustmachine.Tofeellikethey'veslippedthroughacrackinthetime-spacecontinuumandhavelandedsmackdabinthemiddleofaromancemovie.Seriously?Yes,seriously.Butitwon'tbesimple.Therearenomagictricks.Youcanrebuildanengineifyouknowhow.Butittakestimeandeffort.Youcanlearntoplaybeautifulmusiconthepianoofyouhaveenoughdesireandpatience.Youcangetasixpackifyouhaveenoughdesireandpatience.Thereislittleyoucannotdowithoutsufficientdesireandpatience.Creatingloveinanotherisnodifferent.Youfirstneedtolearnhow.Tounderstandtheskillsrequired.Thenyouneedtobewillingtopracticetheskillsuntilyoucanusethemconversationally.JustasnobodycanrebuildanengineafterwatchingonevideoonYouTube,orplaythepianoafterglancingatthenotesonce,youcannotcreatelovesimplybyreadinghowit'sdone.Youneedtounderstandhowit'sdone.Youneedtopracticetheskillsuntilyouareproficient.Onceyou'vedonethis,youcancreateloveinnearlyanybody.

OneCaveatWhynearlyanybody?Theonlythingthatwillstopyoufromcreatingloveinyourtargetisiftheyarealreadymadlyinlovewithsomebodyelse.Buteventhen,itispossible.You’lljusthaveyourworkcutoutforyou.Andyoumustreallybelieve,deepinyourheart,thatallisfairinloveandwar.

HowIsThisPossible?Wewillbelookingatlovefrompurelyabiologicalandscientificstandpoint.Humanemotionsarewonderfulandpotentiallyveryconfusing.Butlookedatfromanoutsideperspective,theyaresurprisinglyeasytounderstand.Thesametypesofstorieshaveelicitedthesameemotionsinpeopleforthousandsofyears.Thesametypesofchordprogressionscontinuetoelicitthesamefeelingsinpeopleacrosstheglobe.Allwearedoingistakingthistothepersonallevel.Movies,stories,andplaysaredesignedtoelicitasetofcommonemotionsintheviewers.Whatyouwillbedoingistheverysamething,butinsteadofcreatingthesamegeneralemotionsingroupsofpeople,youwillbecreatingverystrong,andveryspecificemotionsinoneperson.(Oronepersonatatime).CommonLearningEveryhumanhastheexperienceoflearningsomethingtothepointofunconsciouscompetence.Tyingyourshoes,walking,ridingabicycle,drivingacar,reading,playinganinstrument,ormanyothertechnicalskills.Onceuponatimeyoudidn'tknowthatskillexisted.Thenyoustartedtolearnthatskill.Prettysoonyougotprettygood.Finally,youcrossedthethresholdintounconsciouscompetence.Whenyoucanrideyourbikewithoutthinkingwhilecheckingyourtexts.Highwayhypnosiswouldbeimpossibleiftheclearmajorityofpeopleweren'tabletoturnofftheirbrainswhentheygotbehindthewheel.It'sevenpossible(andjusttoprovetoyourselfitis,youmightwanttodothis)tolearnhowtojugglewellenoughtocarryonaconversation,orevenwatchyourfavoriteTVshow.Whileyouprobablydon'tknowhowtojugglewellenoughtodothisnow,youalsodon'tbelieveit'simpossible.Youhaveplentyofexperiencelearninghowtodothings,jugglingisjustonemorethingyouarenodoubtpositiveyoucouldlearnhowtodo.UncommonLearningThereisanotherkindoflearning,thekindwewillbelearninghere.Andthatishowtotakesomethingthatyoualreadydounconsciously,andelevateituptotheconsciouslevel.Onceitisattheconsciouslevel,wewillbelookingatitingreatdetail.Wewillbefinetuningitandimprovingit.Thenyouwillbepracticingthisuntilitisbackdownattheunconsciouslevel.Fewpeopleexperiencethiskindoflearning.Butitisthepreciselearningthatgoesonwhen

studentsbecomeproficientinmartialarts.Fightingissomethingwedounconsciously,withoutthinking.However,mostofusarepoorfighters.Toseeproofofourterriblenaturalfightingskill,watchinganyfightsthatbreakoutamongpoliticianswhoareinaheatedargumentthatturnsphysical.Punchesmiss.Everybodyisoffbalance.Wefightinstinctively,butnotverywell.Whenonestudiesmartialarts,youraisethistotheconsciouslevel,andthenpracticeituntilitbecomesunconscious.Thenwhenyoufightinstinctively,youarenotanoff-balancethrowerofweakpunches.Youareadeadlykillingmachine.Thisishowyoulikelycommunicatewiththeoppositesex.Clumsily.Withwordsthatlandaseffectivelyasapolitician'spunch.Offbalance.Unsure.Butonceyouelevateyourlovegametotheconsciouslevel,andpracticetheskillsyouwilllearninthisbook,youwillbecomeanunstoppablelovemachine.Anotherexampleisspeaking.ManyactorscomefromothercountriestotheUnitedStatestobecomemoviestars.Intheiryouth,theyhavethickaccents(fromanAmerican’sperspective)fromtheirhomecountries.Yetwithpropertrainingwithvoicecoaches,theylosetheiraccents.Theytakewhatisnaturalandintuitive,raiseittotheconsciouslevel,finetuneitandpracticeituntilitbecomesunconsciousagain.Thisiswhatwewillbedoingwiththisguide.AtWhatCost?Economicsisconsideredthedismalscienceforoneveryimportantreason.Economicsforcesustoaskthatquestionnobodywantstoask:AtWhatCost?Yes,youcancreateloveinnearlyanybodyyoucanhaveaconversationwith.Yes,itwillbe,tothem,reallovethatcomeswithalltheaffectionanddesireandeverythingelse.Butitwillcostsomething.Attheendofthischapter,therewillbeaformyouwillneedtofilloutandsendinelectronically.Thisisanagreementtotradeyoursoulfortheabilitytogenerateloveineverybodyyoumeet.Justkidding!No,youwon'tneedtosellyoursoul,butyouwillneedtogivesomethingupinexchangeforyourabilitytocreaterealfeelingsofrealloveinstrangers,yourcurrentpartner,orevenyourex.HowDoesLoveHappen?Wecanlookathowwedescribelovetounderstandhowwefeelaboutitonasubconsciouslevel.GeorgeLakoff,astudentofNoamChomsky,cameupwithabrillianttheoryofhowwehumanstreatintangiblenouns.(Don'tworry,thisdetourthroughgrammarwillhaveaveryimportantpoint!).Forexample,wesay,"I'minameeting."Themeetingisintangible.Thereisnosuchthingasa

meeting.Sure,there'sameetingroom,thetable,thechairs,thepeople.Buttheactual"meeting"isasharedhallucination.A"thing"thateverybodyagreesexists.Butwhenweusethisimaginarything,weuseitwiththepreposition"in."AccordingtoLakoff,thismeanswethinkofameetingasakindofacontainer.Orwhenwegetintotrouble,weare"in"trouble,sowethinkof"trouble"asakindofcontainer.Lakoff'sideawasthatwheneverweuseintangiblenouns(thingsthatarenotrealbutwetalkaboutthemasiftheywerereal)wemustfigureoutwhichcategorytheygoin.Wego"through"problems(problems=obstacles).Wedefendourtheoretical"position."(argument=war).What'sthisgottodowithlove?Twothings.Oneiswethinkofasloveasacontainer.Weare"in"love.Butmoreimportantly,weusetheword"fall"todescribehowwegetfromnotbeinginthatcontainer,tobeinginthatcontainer.Wedon't"fall"intoameeting.Wegotoameeting.Wedon't"go"tolove,wefallinlove.Loveissomethingthathappensunexpectedly.Completelyoutofourcontrol.FallinginLoveDescriptionThisisabasicdescriptionofwhathappenswhenwemeetsomebody,clickwiththatperson,andthenfallinlovewiththatperson.Whenwefirstmeetandclick,thismeanswesharealotincommon.Italsomeansthatthethingstheydonaturally,welike.Thismakesusdothingsnaturally.Thesethingsarejustourownbehavioralpatterns.Theyseemtopushourbuttons,whichmakesusfeelgood,andmakesusactinacertainway.Whenweactinthatcertainway,wealsopushtheirbuttons.Thismakesthemfeelgood,anditcausesthemtobehavespontaneouslyinawaythatfurtherpushesourbuttons.Theyactinacertainway,whichmakesusfeelgood,whichmakesusactinacertainway,whichmakesthemfeelgood.Awonderfulpositivereinforcingcycle.Thenweareseparatefromthem,andthinkaboutthem.Theyareseparatefromus,andthinkingaboutus.Everytimewemeet,wetriggerthatsamemutuallybeneficialreinforcingcycleofmutualbuttonpushing.Thenweseparate,andwhileweareapart,wethinkabouteachother,reinforcingouraffinitytoeachotherinmind.Thiscouldtakeafewdays,thiscouldtakeafewmonths.Buteachtimewearetogether,thecycleofmutualbuttonpushinggetsstrongerandstronger.Prettysoonweagreethatweareinlove.Whenthishappensnaturally,spontaneously,itverymuchfeelslikewefellinlove.Weweren'texpectingittohappen,itjusthappened.Maybewewenttoapartyonlybecausetheyhadfreebeer,butweendedupmeetingtheloveourorlife.Thereisnohumanexperiencethatmatchesthis.Nopleasurecancomeclosetofallinginlovewithsomebodythat

issimultaneouslyfallinginlovewithyou.TheCostWhenyoulearnhowtocreateloveinothers,youwillbelesslikelyofexperiencingithappennaturally.Thisissomethingthatrequiresseriousthought.Thecostforbeingabletocreatethefeelingoffallinginlove,atwill,inothers,willbethatitwillnotbespontaneouslyhappeningtoyou.Wewilllearnhowtocreatethefeelingoflove,inyou,forsomebodyelse,butthatrequirespatienceanddedication.Theultimatecostoflearningtheskillsinthisguideisthatlovewillceasetobeamagicalgiftfromthegods.Youwillseeitasabiologicalnecessity.Youwillbeabletocreateitinothers,andyouwillbeabletocreateitinyourselfforothers.Thinkofasthedifferencebetweenwinningthelottery,andcreatingafortunefromthesweatofyourbrow.Bothareuniqueintheirownrespects.Mostpeoplespendtheirentireliveswaitingforlovetohappen,onlytohavetosettle.Youwillnever,everhavethatproblem.Inasense,youwillbegivingupafairytale.Theideaofamagicalprinceorprincessshowinguponyourdoorstep.Forsome,thisistoomuch.Theywouldratherspendtheirentireliveswaitingforamiraclethanlearninghowtocreateitthemselves.Itdoestaketime.Butwithsomeforethoughtandpatience,youcanliterallycreatetheperfectrelationshipforyourselffromscratch.LayersOfcourse,youdon'thavetogofullengineer.Youcanchoosehowmuchofthesetechniquesyouuse.Forexample,youmaydecidetoletithappenuptoacertainpoint.Youmayenjoythefirstfewmonthsofuncertaintyandheartpalpitationseverytimeyourphonevibrates.Onceyouaresuretheyaretherightmatchforyou,andyouforthem,thenyoucanswitchfromlovesick,lettingithappen,tolovescientistandmakeithappen.Youcanusetheseskillsatanypointduringtherelationship.Youcanevenletithappennaturallyandorganically,uptowhentheyarehesitanttotakethatfinalstepintolifelongcommitment.Thenjustuseacoupleofthesetechniquesandthey'llbeyoursforever.Justknowingyouhavetheseskillsinyourbackpocketwillgiveyoumuchmoresocialconfidence.Mostpeoplegooutandhopetogetlucky.Youwillgooutknowingyouhavethepowertomakeothersfeelluckyforhavingmetyou.Thisissomethinginandofitself.

MechanicsWe'llstartbylookingfromtheoutsidein.Thismeansgoingthroughalotofintellectualexercises.Thisway,wecancreatetherulesandideasfirst,beforewegetinsidethemandstartpracticingtheskillsrequired.Wewillunderstandwhatloveisandhowitworksfromapurelybiologicalstandpoint.Don'tworry,thisdoesn'tmeanyou'llnevergettoexperiencethejoysoflove.Quitethecontrary.Byunderstandingitfromanobjective,outside-inviewfirst,we'llbemuchbetterequippedtofigureouttherequiredskillstolearn.Thenwecanlearnthem,practicethem,finetunethem,sowhenwegoinside,itwillbemuchbetterfromasubjectiveview.Thismetaphorwillhelpunderstand.Eatingacakefeelsgood.Itfeelsgoodfrompurelysubjectivereasons.Butwecangetoutsideofoursubjectiveexperienceandstudycakemakingfromanobjectivestandpoint.Wecanlearnallaboutbakingandflavorsandwhichflavorsgotogether,howmuchsugar,whattypeofsugar.Thenoncethecakeisfinished,thatwe'vestudiedandbakedobjectively,wecanswitchbacktothesubjectiveexperienceandenjoythecake.Creatinglovewillbethesame.Allthephilosophy,poetry,dramaandheroicjourneysyounowassociatewiththeideaofloveareallfromaninternal,subjectiveexperience.Beingabletoswitchfromthesubjective,internalexperience,(internaltothesituation)toanobjective,outsidelookingexperience,isanextremelyvaluableandversatileskilltohave.Manyarestuckononeortheother.Theyexperiencetheemotionalside,andneversuspectthatthereisanobjectivewaytoseethings.Weallhaveknownpeoplewhowereinbadrelationships,badjobs,badsituations.Wecouldeasilyseetheywerebadfromtheoutsidelookingin.Butfromtheirinternalviewpoint,theythoughtitwasn'tsobad,maybeevengood.Oneofourgreatestskills,whichisunfortunatelyalsooneofourgreatestweaknessesashumansisourabilitytodeceiveourselves.Nodoubtthiswasaveryusefulskilltohavebackduringtheharshtimesofhuntersandgathers.Ignoringnegativefactorswasoftenthecriticalthingthatpushedourspeciesforward.Unfortunately,itiscommontobeinsituationswhereignoringthenegativesandcontinuingtopushforwardistheworstpossiblechoice.Muchlikeournever-endinghungerinstinct,whatservedusbackthencanbeahugedragonourhappinesstoday.Beingabletoswitchoutofasubjectivetoanobjectiveposition,measurethingsrationally,makebetterchoices,andthenswitchbackintothesubjectivepositiontoimplementthosechoicesisperhapsoneofthehighestskillsasarationalhuman.Whenstudyinglovefromabiologicalstandpoint,itwillbehelpfulifyouaren'tconsideringanyrelationship

youarecurrentlyfeeling.Ifyouarecurrentlyfeelingsubjectivefeelingsofloveforanindividual,andyouareintendingtousethisguidetogetthemtoreciprocate,becarefulofthinkingofthemwhengoingthroughtheseideasandexercises.Remainasobjectiveaspossible.Thefirstpartofthisguideispurelyscientific,itwillhelpifyoucanthinklikeascientistandavoidanyrealpeopleinyourlifenowthatgiveyourealfeelings.ScientificLove?Remember,thisisjusttounderstandwhywhatworksactuallyworks.Onceyouarebackinsidethesubjectiveexperience,youwillfullyfeelthemfromthesubjectiveexperience.Considermusic.Certainchordprogressionshavecertainmathematicalproperties.Andthosesamechordprogressions,withtheircertainmathematicalpropertiesevokethesamecertainemotions.Musiccanbeexplainedtoasignificantdegreewithmathematics.Thestudyoftherelationshipbetweenthetwo,oneofthemostsubjectivearts,andoneofthemostobjectiveareasofscience,remindsusthatwearebiologicalorganismsthatrespondtomathematicallyconstrainedideas.Twonotesanoctaveapartcreateacertainemotionalfeeling,buttheyarealsomathematicallyrelatedbytheratiooftheirrespectivewavelengths.Wearehumanswhofeelhumanemotions.Thehumanemotionsaretriggeredbyspecificthingsthatcomeinthroughourfivesenses.Thelightthatwecanseeisincolorsthatwhenarrangedinwaysdescribedbyscientifictheorycanevokewonderfulfeelings.Thetastesthatcomeinthroughourtastebudsthatcanbedescribedthroughthescienceofchemistryyetgivesusindescribablepleasure.Ifthatwhichcanbedescribedthroughsciencecanevokewonderfulfeelingsofsubjectiveemotions,thenwecanbegintounderstandhowwecanquantifysuchcreations.Don'tworry,creatingloveinyourtargetswon'tbenearlyasscientificasthesemetaphorssuggest.Justunderstandthatthefeelingsthatslowlyadduptolovecanbecreatedwithscientificprecision.Advertising

Inasense,advertisershaveknownthissecrettrickforawhile.They'vemasteredthe"art"ofpresentingtheirproductstousinawaythatwejusthavetohavethem.Rememberourmetaphoraboutmoviesandplaysandbooks.Massproductionthatelicitssimilaremotionsinpotentiallymillionsofpeople.ThinkofamovieassimpleasDisney's,"TheLionKing."Millionssawit,andanotinsignificantamountofpeoplecriedwhentheydid.YetDisneymoviesareaboutascookiecutterastheycome.Advertisersdothisverysamething.They

structureamessagetobedeliveredtothemasses.Themassesrespondbypurchasingtheproduct.Wewillbedoingthesamething.Onlyyouwon'tbedeliveringyourmessagetothemasses.Youwillbedeliveringitinperson,toone(oratleastoneatatime)veryluckyperson.Moviestudiosandadvertiserstakeageneralmessageanddeliveritonalargescaleandgetaconsistent,repeatableresult.Youwilllearntotakeyourmessageanddeliveritinamuchmoretargeted,muchmorerefinedway.Andcreatemuchlargeremotionsinyourtargetasaresult.SimpleDisneymoviescanmakepeoplelaugh,cry,orbothwithintwohoursorless.Youwilltakeyourmessage,andnotonlywillitbetargeted,butitwillbespreadoutoverdaysandweeks.Andasaresult,yourtargetwillfeeldeeploveandpassionwithjustasmuchscientificprecisionandaccuracy.RemembertheCakeYouspendyourtimeinyourownobjectivespacewhenyoubakethecake.Youmeasuretheingredients,youmakesuretheovenispreheatedbymeasuringitwithathermometer.Youmixtheingredientsintheproperorderandtheproperratiosaccordingtotherecipe.Youbakeitforthecorrecttime.Allwhilewearingyoursciencehat.Butwhenit'stimetoeatit,youtossawayoursciencehatandenjoyit.Youcan'tbakeitanymoreafterit'soutoftheoven.Youcan'tgobackintimeandremixit.Youcan'tputinmoresugarorlesseggs.Thisiswhywhencreatinglove,youhavetoverysureitisset,andsetproperlyinyourtargetbeforeyouenjoyit.Agoodideaistoreadthisguidecompletelybeforetryinganyofthetechniques.Measuretwice,cutonce(Iknow,notabakingmetaphor!).GeneralWordsofCautionIfyouwanttomakesomebodyhateyousomuchtheyfollowyoutotheendsoftheearthforthesolepurposeofmakingyousufferasmuchasyoupossiblycan,thenmakethemfallinlovewithyouandthendumpthemimmediatelyafter.Besuretotellthemyouonlywantedtomakethemfallinloveyousoyoucouldhavesex,orborrowmoney,ormakeyourexjealous.Theflipsideoftheseskillsisthatifyouusethemwithoutconsiderationfortheaftermath,youwillgetintotrouble.Loveisnotsomethingyoucancreateandthenjustwalkawayfrom.Ifyoucreateloveonlytosatisfyyourshort-terminterests,bewarned.Whateveryouthinkthebenefitsareofsuchanact,theconsequenceswillcertainlybefarworse.Einsteinfamouslysaidthingsshouldbemadeassimpleaspossible,but

notsimpler.Considerapplyingthatsameadvicetotheseskills.Usethemasmuchasyouneedtocreatethefeelingsyouwant,butnomore.Usethesejustenoughtokeepyourrelationshipontrack,andlethumannaturedotherest.

StructureofLearningBeforewegetintothenittygrittybiologicaldetailsoflove,andmorespecificallyhowwecaneasilycreatethatfeelinginothers,weneedtounderstandhowwelearn.Beingabletoconsciouslycreateloveinanotherpersonisaskill,andallskillsneedtobepracticed.Beforeweevengetintohowwelearn,sowecanlearnhowtocreatelove,let'smakesureweunderstandwhythisisaskillthatneedstobepracticed,ratherthana"trick"tobememorizedandthenused.CongruenceLet'sassume,justforamoment,thatinordertomakeanybodyfallinlovewithyou(orre-fallinlovewithyou)allyouneedtodoismemorizeafewmagiclinesandthenrepeatthemfrommemory.Couldthisevenbepossible?Thinkofallthemoviesyou'veseen.Someofthemhavebeengood,someofthemhavebeenterrible.Someofthemyoumighthaveeventurnedthemoffafteronlythirtyminutesorso.Whatmakesamoviegood?Therearebasicallytwoelements,oneisthestoryitself.Theotherishowthestoryispresented.However,I'msureyou'veseensomemoviesthatwerepresentedverywell.Goodacting,goodproductionvalue,goodspecialeffects,butareally"outthere"story.Yetthatreally"outthere"storywasbelievable.Ontheotherhand,considerastorythatwasdecent,butitwaspresentedterribly.Terribleacting,terribleproductionvalue,horriblespecialeffects.AsifabunchofactingstudentsgotacheapcameraandalaptopwithAdobeAfterEffectsandkindofmadeitupastheywentalong.Considerwhatmakesanactoragoodactor,andanactorapooractor.Thecrucialelementisbelievability.MostA-listactorshavebeenactingfordecades.Whentheystarted,theydidn'thaveverygoodactingskills.Astheycontinuethroughouttheircareer,theygotbetterandbetter.Fromanactingstandpoint,thereisalotmoretobeingaworldclassactorthanmemorizingandrepeatinglines.Someofthebestactorsaroundcansayverysimplesentencesyetmakethemfeelincrediblypowerfulfromanemotionalstandpoint.Whiletherearemanycoursesandbooksandevenexpensivetrainingseminarsthatpromisequicklearning,andthatalloneneedsistherightwords,alwayskeepthegoodactorvs.badactormetaphormind.Abadactorcantakethebestscriptandmakeitsoundhorrible.Yetthebestactorscanreadthenewspaperandmakethemsoundcompellingandemotionallypowerful.

HowLong?Don'tworry,youwon'tneeddecadestoperfectyourlovegeneratingskills.Learninghowtospeakoneononeismucheasierthanpresentingyourselfonscreenformillionsofpeople.Whenyouarespeakingonscreen,youmustdoallthework.Aswe'lllearnlater,creatingloveinothersisatwo-wayprocess.Youwon'tbetalkingwhiletheysitquietlyandfallinlove.Youwillbeusingaveryinteractiveprocess.Thisstilldoesneedtobelearned,butyoucanlearnitalotmorequicklythanlearninghowtobecomeaworldclassactor.Justunderstanditwilltakeabitmorethanmemorizinganddeliveringafewlines.NormalLearningforExternalSkillsNormallearninggoesthroughfourpotentialstages.(Wearereferringtoskills,andnotthatboringstufftheymadeyoulearninschool.)Thefourstagesarepresentedbelow.Youlikelyhaveseenthesebefore.UnconsciousIncompetenceThisiswhenyousuck,butyoudon'tevenknowtheskillexists,soyoudon'tknowthatyousuck.Howmanyinstrumentscanyouname,offthetopofyourhead?Ifyoutooksometime,youmightbeabletocomeupwithacoupledozen.Buttherearethousandsofinstrumentsaroundtheworld.Everyinstrumentthatexiststhatyou'veneverheardofwouldrepresentsomethingwithwhichyouhaveunconsciouscompetence.ConsciousIncompetenceSupposeyouwentovertoWikipediaandcheckedoutalltheinstrumentsoftheworld.Everytimeyoureadadescriptionofapreviouslyunknowninstrument,yourskillswiththatparticularinstrumentwouldshiftfromunconsciousincompetencetoconsciousincompetence.Congratulations!You'vediscoveredanewskillthatyousuckat!ConsciousCompetenceThisisamuchlarger,andlongerstepthanthepreviousone.Thiswouldrequireyouhuntaroundonlineforashopthatsoldthatparticularinstrument.Thenyou

boughtsomelessons,ormaybehiredaprivatetutor.Thenyoutookthetimetolearnthenotes,andafewsongs.Ifyoucouldplayacouplesongs,butneededallyourconcentrationwhiledoingso,you'vemovedintoconsciouscompetence.Mostpeoplestayatthisstageformostskills.UnconsciousCompetenceThisiswhenyougetsogoodyoudon'thavetothinkaboutit.Youcurrentlyenjoyunconsciouscompetencewiththingslikeridingabicycle,drivingacar,cookingsimplemeals,andmanyotherdailyskillsthatmostpeopleuse.Ifyou'vetakenanycomplicatedskills(likemusicalinstrumentsormartialarts)tothelevelofunconsciouscompetence,thisistheareaof"flow,"whereyouare"inthemoment"andtotallyimmersedinyourparticularskill.LearningforInternalSkillsTheaboveisforaskillthatyousetouttolearn,oronethatyoulearnsimplybybeingalive.Theskillsofmakingsomebodyfallinlovewithyouareskillsyouarealreadyusing,andyouarealreadyusingatthelevelofunconsciouscompetence.Alltheskillsinvolvinggettingpeopletofallinlovewithyouarecenteredaroundyourcommunication.Notonlyyourwords,butbothyourconsciousandunconsciouscommunication.Howfastorslowlyyouspeak.Howyouuseyourgestures.Yourtonalityanduseofpausing.Howyouuseyoureyecontact.Allofthisispartofyourpersonality,howyouactnormallyandnaturally.Whatwewillbedoingiselevatingthattotheconsciouslevel.Wewilllookatsomemuchmoreeffectivewaysofusingyourcommunication.Thenyou'llpracticethatuntilitisunconscious.Itwillagainbenaturalandautomatic,butitwillbecompletelydifferent.Muchmoreeffective.BruceLeeandJeetKunDoAusefulmetaphortorememberishowBruceLeedescribedthelearningofJeetKunDo.Thiscanbeusedforanymartialart,oranybehaviorthatisunconscious,madeconscious,refinedandpracticed,andmadeunconsciousgain.BruceLeesaidthatbeforelearningJeetKunDo,apunchwasjustapunch.DuringJeetKunDo,apunchisacomplicatedcombinationofbalance,energy,focus,intentionandbreathing.AfterJeetKunDo,apunchisjustapunch.Butitisacompletelydifferentpunch.

LanguageandCommunicationIttakesawhiletolearnamartialarewellenoughtobeabletofightandwintournaments.Butthisistournamentswhentheotherpersonisequallypracticed.Andtheskillsinmartialartstournamentsarefastandpowerful.Thisisgoingtobeahorriblemetaphor,butit'shelpfultounderstandwhatwewillbedoing.Learninglanguageandcommunicationismucheasierthanlearningmartialarts.Communicationhappensmuchslowerthanmartialarts.Andyouwillbeusingyourenhancedcommunicationskillswithsomebodythathaslikelyneverthoughtabouthowtheycommunicate.Imaginetakingonlyafewlessonsinmartialarts,andthenhavinganimpromptusparringmatchagainstsomebodythathasneverevenconsideredstudyingmartialarts.Againstsomebodythatdoesn'tevenknowmartialartsexist.Thiswillbetheadvantageyouhaveagainsteveryotherhumanouttherewhodoesn'tknowthatthesepowerfulcommunicationskillsexist.Manipulative?Sincewearecomparinglanguagetomartialarts,andusingexamplesofaskilledcommunicatoragainstanormalcommunication,thissoundshorriblymanipulative.Ifyouareeventheslightestbitworriedatthispoint,considertheseideas.AllBehaviorIsManipulativeSincewecanmakesounds,humanstrytomanipulateeachother.Let'suseadifferentword,sincemanipulationsoundsinherentlyevil.Babiescryinhopesofcreatingaspecificactioninthepersonthathearsthemcrying.Wheneverwetalktosomebody,foranyreason,wearehopingtheywilltakeacertainactionafterhearingwhatwehavetosay.Allourcommunication,allourbehaviorhasanintentionofalteringsomebodyelse'sbehavior.DatingIsManipulativeWhenyougoonafirstdatewithsomebody,doyouwearwhatyouweararoundthehouse?Doyoucommunicatelikeyoudotoyourbestfriends?Whenyourdateiscomingtoyourplace,toyoucleanit,soitislooks"better"thanitnormallydoes?Wheneverwemeetnewpeople,weautomaticallyalterourbehaviortogivethebestimpression.Wewearsuitsandexpensiveclothestojob

interviews.Wecensorourselvesandavoiddroppinganyf-bombswhenmeetingoursignificantother’sparentsforthefirsttime.Girlswearmakeupandperfume,anddoeverythingtheycantoappearsweetandfeminine.Guyswearniceclothes,pressedslacksandcologne,anddoeverythingtheycantoappearmasculineanddominant.Thereasonthat"beyourself"issuchcommonadviceiswearerarelyourselveswhenmeetingothersforthefirsttime.LoveFeelsGoodLoveisthebestfeelingahumancanfeel.Theseskillsinthisguideweteachyouhowtocreatethosefeelingsinanotherhuman.Solongasyourintentionsarehonest,thereisnothingwrongwiththat.Youarelearningcommunicationskillstoincreasethepositivefeelingsofanotherperson.Theonlythingthatwillmaketheseskillsunethical,orimmoral,orevil,isyourintentions.Attheendoftheday,theseareskills.Howyouusethemismuchmoreimportantthantheskillsthemselves.EvenIfYouNeverIntendtoUseThemWementionedthisbefore,butitbearsrepeating.Ifyoustillhavemisgivingsabouttheseastoomanipulative,considerlearningthemjustasanintellectualexercise.Manypeoplepracticemartialartsandneverintendtofight,evenintournaments.Theypracticeforincreasedhealth,andincreasedself-confidence.Anditfeelsgoodknowingthatyoucouldusethemshouldtheneedeverarise.Considertheseskillsthesameway.Theywillincreaseyourself-confidence,andtheywillmakeyouamuchmoreeffectiveandpersuasivecommunicator.Andknowingthatyoucouldusethem,shouldtheneedarise,willmakeyoufeelmuchmoreresourcefulinnearlyeverysituation.Andthatfeelingofresourcefulnessandconfidencemaybethethingyourfuturedreamloverlikessomuchaboutyou!

TwoOutcomesTargetedLoveBuildingYoucanlearntheseskills,andonlylearnthemenoughtomakeonespecialpersonfallinlovewithyou.Ifyouhavesomebodyinmind,understandthatwilltakemoreeffortthansomebodyyouhaven'tmetyet.Butwhenusingtheseononeperson,andnobodyelse,youwon'tneedtolearnthesenearlyasmuch.Justpracticeusingtheseskillswhenyouarewiththatperson,andtheywillworklikecrazy.Asyougothroughtherestofyourlife,youwon'tevenneedtothinkabouttheseskills.Understandthisisanextremeposition,andweareonlyusingitforanexample.Chancesarewhenyoustartusingthemonthatonespecialperson,andyouseehowtheynaturallyandpositivelyrespondtothem,youwillstarttousethemwithotherswithoutevenknowingit.Andthemoreyouusethemwiththatonespecialperson,themoreyou'llcontinuetousethemwithoutthinking.This,ofcourse,assumesthatyouonlypracticetheseinthemirrorathome,orinthecar,andtheveryfirstpersonyouusethemonisthatonespecialpersonyouintendtofallinloveyouwith.Thisispotentiallydangerous,butnotinawayyoumightexpect.Considerallthepossiblepeopleinyourlifenowthatyouwouldliketomakefallheadoverheelsinlovewithyou.Whatmayhappenisthatonceyouusetheseskills,andseehowpowerfultheyareonthatonespecialperson,youmightstarttowonderifmaybeyouhadn'tjumpedthegunalittlebit.Rightnow,youmayhaveaspecialpersoninmindiftheywouldonlyfallinlovewithyou,thatwouldmakelifeperfect.Butthenyoulearntheseskillswellenoughtoactuallygetthemtofallinlovewithyouandyouhaveanuncomfortablerealization.Ifgettingthatonespecialpersontofallinlovewithyouwassoeasy,therearetonsofotherpeopleyoucouldhavechosen.Thisisthehiddendangersofone-itis.Whenyouhaveonepersoninmind.Onepersonwhofillsyourthoughtsandheart.Ifyoucouldonlygetthatonepersontofallforyou,lifewouldbeperfect.Butassoonasyougetthatonepersontofallforyou,you'llrealizeyouhavesomeverypowerfulskills,andyoumighthavewastedthemonthewrongperson!This,ofcourse,leadsustoanotherendofthespectrum.

UseThemwithEverybodyTheotherendofthespectrumiswhenyousimplydecidetomaketheseskills

partofwhoyouare,andhowyounaturallycommunicate.Thismaytakelonger,andlikeanyotherlearnedskill,youwillalwaysbeabletoincreaseyoureffectiveness.Butyou'llfindthattheentireworldrespondstoyoumuchdifferentlythanitdoesnow.Mostpeopleyoucomeacrossandinteractwithwillenjoyyourcompanyverymuch.Takentoitsextreme,youcanpracticetheseskills,makethempartofhowyounaturallycommunicate,andthenbeabletoexperiencelovejustlikeitwasmeanttobeexperienced.Youwillfallinlovelikeeverybodyelse.Youwillmeetsomebodythatjustpushesyourbuttonsintherightway,andsinceyouarealreadyapowerfulcommunicator,youwillnaturallypushtheirbuttons,almostwithouteventhinkingaboutit.JustlikeapunchbeforeandafterJeetKunDoisjustapunch,buttwocompletelydifferentpunches,fallinginlovebeforeandafterlearningtheseskillswillstillbefallinginlove,butitwillbeanaltogetherdifferentkindoflovethatisusuallyreservedforfantasyromancemovies.Beforelearningtheseskill,youmayneedtosettlelikemosteverybodyelse.Butafterlearningtheseskills,youcananticipateadream-likeromancewiththeverybestofcompatiblelovers.SomewhereInBetweenOfcourse,youractualexperiencewillliesomewhereinbetween.Justafewoftheskillswe'lllearnlatercanbeusedonyourboss,yourfriends,yourfamilymembers.Onlywhentheyarecarefullytargetedintherightwaywilltheycreatedeepfeelingsofromanticlove.Ifyouareinsales,theseskillswillearnyoualotmoremoney.Ifyou'veeverthoughtaboutpublicspeaking,theseskillswillmakeyouindemand,andpotentiallycapableofchargingseveralthousanddollarsaspeech.Insuchuncertaineconomictimesasthese,effectivecommunicationskillsthatallowyoutomovetheemotionsofyourlistenersatwillisaveryusefulskilltohave.Youcanusetheseonanyjobinterviewandconvincethehiringmanagerthatyouarethebestchoiceamongallthecandidates,regardlessofyoureducationorworkexperience.Mostpeoplehopeandprayforluck.Salespeoplehopecustomerswillbuy.Jobapplicantshopethey'llgethired.Firstdatershopetheotherpersonwilllikethem.Newemployeeshopetheircolleagueswilllikethem.Inmostsituationswithnewpeople,mostpeoplesimplycrosstheirfingersandhopeforthebest.Ifyoumakethedecisiontolearnandpracticetheskillsinthisguide,youwillneverneedtohopeagain.Youwillknowexactlyhowtogetyournewcolleaguestolikeyou.Youwillhavenodoubtthatyouwillgetajoboffer.Youwillhavezeroanxietywhetheryourfirstdatewillwantaseconddateornot.

PowerofCommunicationCommunicationisfarmorethanwords.Humansinventedspokenlanguagebetween60,000and200,000yearsago.Yetwe'vebeencommunicatingfarlongerthanthat.Thewordsweusearejustthesurfacestructure.Beneaththewordsarepowerfulemotions.Whenyouunderstandhowtomovethoseemotions,byusingthefullnessofyourcommunicationskills,neveragainwillyoulookatasituationthesameway.Neveragainwillyouwonderwhatpeoplereallymean.Simplybyfocusingonyourownnon-verbalcommunication,youwillopenyourselfuptothatofothers.Thiswillallowyoutodevelopadeepcongruencethatisfarmoreseductiveandcompellingthananywordscanbe.Whatyouareonthevergeofdiscoveringissomethingfewknowexist,letaloneknowhowtouseeffectively.WhytheBuildUp?Later,whenwegettotheactualpractice,andhowtousethem,itisgoingtofeelabitgoofy.Thefirsttimeyouusetheseonotherpeople,youwillfeelstrange.Forthisreason,manypeoplethatareexposedtotheseskillsnevercrossthethresholdfromintellectualunderstandingtorealworldpracticeBut,makeacommitmenttocrossthatthreshold.Keepinmindwhattheseskillswilldoforyouonceyoumakethecommitmenttopracticethem.Moremoney,morelove,morefriends,andamuchbetterandrewardinglife.Isn'tthatworthafewfeelingsofawkwardnessinfrontofstrangerswhomyou'llnevermeetagain?

EngineeringWhat'sNaturalIt'slikelyitstillseemsodd,deceptive,manipulativeandevenlikecheatingtotakesomethingasnaturalandspontaneousaslove(remember,we"fall"inlove)andcreateitfromscratchlikeamadscientistinalab.ThestoryofFrankenstein'smonsterisametaphorthatintendstoteachusthattherearecertainthingsthatsciencesimplyshouldstayawayfrom.Thatifevenifwecanusesciencetocreatethatwhichshouldhappennaturally,doesn'tmeantthatweshould.Indeed,weshouldkeepFrankenstein'smonsterinmindifyouareintendingtocreateloveforonlyyourownshort-terminterests.Justremembertoonlycreateasmuchloveasyouneedtocementorenhancetherelationship,nomore.Butlet'sgooversomenaturallyoccurringemotionsandseehowoftentheyarecreatedartificially.Hopefullyapatternwillemerge,onethatcanhelpyoufeelmoreconfidentnotonlyinyourabilities,butintheethicalappropriatenessofthem.NaturalFearsHumansareprogrammedwithnaturalfearstokeepusfromdoingthingsthataredangerous.Ifwehadtostopandinspectthesituationeverytimeweheardaloudandangrynoise(likeagrowlingbear)wewouldn'thavesurvived.Becauseweinstantlyfeelthepowerful"fightorflight"responsewhenwehearananimalgrowling,werunaway(flight)andsurvive.Ourfearsareoutofourcontrolandtheygiveusaburstofenergyneededtomakeittosafety.Ourfearresponse(torunaway)needstobestrongenoughsowecanlivelongenoughtopassonthose"runawayfirstandwonderwhylater"genestoouroffspring.Plentyofthingscauseusfear.ArtificialFearIfyoulikehorrormovies,it'sbecausetheygiveusthatsameshockoffear.Thatadrenalinthatislikeadrug.Butatthesametime,weknowit'samovie,sowecanfeelthefearwithoutbeinginanydanger.Evenifyoudon'tlikehorrormovies,plentyofactionandthrillermoviesarespecificallydesignedtoelicitthatsame"fightorflight"response.NaturalDesires

Fearsaresimplebecausetheydon'tneedtobecomplex.Alltheyneedtodoistomotivateustorunawayquickly.Wedon'tneedtoknowthedetails.Butourdesiresaretheopposite.Theycauseustoactinawaythatgetsusclosertothatwhichcreatesthedesire.Thedesirecanpurelyinstinctive,completelyconsciousandrational,oramixofboth.Generallyspeaking,desiresarenotasimmediateasfear,sowecanhavetheluxuryoftimeasweapproachthemphysicallyormetaphorically.FoodPerhapsthemostcommondesirethatwefeelregularlyisfood.Smells,sights,evenverbaldescriptionscancauseustofeelhungrywhenweweren'tonlyafewminutesago.Ourmind-bodysystemsweredesignedtothriveinamuchharsherenvironmentthanoneinwhichwecurrentlylive.Thismeansthatnearlyallthefoodweexperienceisartificialaccordingtoourancienthunter-gathererinstincts.Beingabletoeatamealcomprisedoffoodandspicesthathavebeendeliveredfromvariouspartsoftheworldhasonlybeenpossibleinthepastfewhundredyears.Thisseemsnormal,almosttoosillytouseasanexample.Butourhungerinstinct,whichwascreatedovermillionsofyears(beforewewereevenhuman)isnowrespondingtoaninventionofrecentmodernsociety.Byusingadvancedscienceandtechnology,wecancreateourinstinctivefoodcravingsinwaysthatwereimpossibleonlyafewhundredyearsago.FoodMetaphorsWehaveplentyofartificialflavorsandsweeteners.Romanticmovieswithoutalotofdeptharemetaphoricallylikenedtotheseartificialsweeteners.It'ssweet,butit'safakesweet.Thisgenerallymeansthatwhilethemoviedoescreatecertainemotions,weknowthatitnotarealisticsituation.Thesituationcausingouremotionsareclearlyfake.Butthereareplentyofmovies,playsandstoriesthatareconsideredtragedies,andareconsideredclassics.RomeoandJulietwaswritten1597,yettodayisstillcausesthosesameprimalemotions.Highlyskilledchefsknowhowtocombineingredientsinpowerfulcombinations.Theyarenotartificial.Theyareveryreal,andtheyareverypowerfultoourtastebuds.WhetheryouuseyourlanguageandcommunicationtocreatethefalsesweetnessfoundinteenagetearjerkersorthereallastingemotionsfoundinclassicssuchasRomeoandJulietiswhollyuptoyou.

Hero'sJourneyStoriesManystoriesfollowthefamiliarstructureofthehero'sjourney.Withoutgoingintotoomuchdetail,welovethesestoriesbecausetheymirrorourlivesonadeepandsubconsciouslevel,aswellasaconsciousandfamiliarlevel.Hero'sJourneystoriesstartoutwiththeheroasanorphanofsomekind.Thenhegetsforced(usuallyforced,sometimestheherochoosestogoaccordingtohisownvolition)ontoajourney.Thefirstpartiswhenhemakesnewfriends,findsoutwhat'sgoingon,andwhothebadguyisthathemustfight.Thestoryendswithhimandhisbuddiesfightinganddefeatingthemonster.Evenindramaswithoutanyrealmonsters,orwiththemonstersasinternaldemons,itusuallyfollowsthesamestructure.Weloveandresonatewiththesemoviesbecausewegothroughthesameprocessmanytimesinourlives.Wefeelalone(theorphanstage)andwe'vegottostruggletofindoutwhattodo.Thenwefindabigobstacletoovercome(themonster)andwedoeverythingwecantodefeatit.WeCraveEmotionalMovementWehumanslovemoviesthattakeusthroughthoseemotions.Eventhoughweknowthemoviesare"fake,"theemotionsarereal.Weseethesamemoviesoverandoverbecauseofthis.Welistentothesamesongsoverandoveragain.Theyallowustofeeltherealemotionalfeelingsofheartacheandlosswithoutactuallyhavingtoexperienceitforreal.Weknowthoseexquisitemealsweallowourselvestoenjoyonoccasionarecarefullyputtogetherwiththeuniqueskillsofapracticedchef,thatitisnothingwecouldfindinthegrocerystoreorevenprepareourselves.Yetthepleasuretheygiveusisreal.Producers,directors,writers,actors,theyputtogetherprojectswithintenseconsciouseffortandrationalplanning.Buttheresultisemotionallymoving.Thatitisacompletelyartificialcreationisnotimportant.Theemotionsarereal.Wewantthoseemotions.Wecravethoseemotions.Weneedthoseemotions.Storiesandmusicissopopularbecauseourdailyroutinessimplydonotgiveustheemotionswecrave.OneFinalPleaThisisforthatpartofyouthatstillbelievesloveshouldhappennaturallyandspontaneously.Ifthatisso,whydoyoueverdressupwhenyougoout?Ifitisspontaneousandorganic,shouldyounotwearyourjeansandt-shirts?Shouldtheynotfallinlovewiththe"realyou,"andnotyourbestrepresentationof

yourself?Considerthataugmentingyourlanguageandnon-verbalcommunicationtoenhancethosefeelingsofloveinothersismerelyanextensionofwalkingwithpurposelyerectposture,orconsciouslywithholdingf-bombswhenyouspeak.Itisnodifferentthanthealltheeffortsputintothebillion-dollaryearmovieindustrytogiveusthosewonderfulemotionswesocrave.

TheMeaningofLoveWe'regettingcloser.Yes,thisseemslikeaverycircuitousroutetotaketocreatelove,especiallyifyouarecurrentlyheartbrokenafterbeingunceremoniouslydumped,oraresufferingfromone-itis.ButloveisthemostpowerfulemotiononthisEarth,andtocreateiteffectively,weneedtounderstanditcompletely.Todoso,wewillendeavortounderstanditfromaslogicalandobjectivestandpointaswecan.Onceweunderstandit,wewillunderstandhowtocreateit,andslowlytakeourobjectiveknowledgeandmoveittothesubjectiverealm.BiologicalLoveIfwemoveoutsideofahumanrelationship,outsideofourhumansubjectivememoryofloveofanykind,thenloveiseasytounderstand.Whenatomsdecidetoshareelectrons,theceasebeingatomsandbecomeamolecule.Theouterelectronsarevalenceelectronsanddependingontheavailabilityandneed,certainatomsaremuchmorelikelytogettogetherwithotheratoms.Wecanthinkoflovemetaphoricallyasthesamething.Oneofouruniquesellingpointsashumansisthatwehaveverybigbrainsforoursize.Alargeproportionofourbodyweight,andalargeproportionofourenergyus,comparedtoothermammalsisourbrain.Butwhatismoresignificantforourinterestshereisthatwecan'tbebornanywherenearfullyformed.Mostmammalsspendamuchlesspercentageoftheirtimeasinfants.Humans,ontheotherhand,needtospendseveralyearsasinfantsandadolescentswhollydependentontheadultsaroundus.Westillhaveplentyofdevelopingtodo,bothphysicallyandmentallyafterweareborn.Ifwewerebornas"fullyformed"asothermammals,ourhipswouldhavetobemuchwiderandwewouldn'tbeabletowalkupright.Whatthismeanstousisthatlovecanbethoughtofaninstincttostaytogetherasfatherandmotherassoonasachildisborn.Womenhavedevelopeda"sixthsense"formenwhowilllikelybegoodfathersandstickaround.MotherNaturehasalsodevelopedaninstinctthatseemstobetriggeredinmenonceachildisborn.Evolutionarypsychologiststellusthisisthereasonbehindtheseven-yearitch.Thenaturalbondingenergybetweenmanandwomenseemstolastjustlongenoughforjuniortobeabletofendforhimorherself,atleastintheageofhunter-gathers,whenourinstinctswerecreated.LoveIsEfficient

Intheharshdaysofhunter-gathers,thoseancienthumanswhodidn'tfeelloveforoneanothertendednottosurvive.Thispresentsapuzzle.Let'ssayyouareMotherNature,andyouneedtocomeupwithsomeinstinctstomakesuremanandwomanwillstaytogetheronceachildisborn.Ormoreimportantly,yourjobistocomeupwithasetofrulesthatwillensurethatanychildwilllivelongenoughtosurviveandcreateanotherchildinadulthood.Whatruleswouldyougivetobothmanandwoman?Thisisnotasimpleproblem.Differentprimateshavedifferentrules.Chimpanzees,forexample,solvethisproblembythefemaleproclaimingtoeverybodywhensheisinestrus.Thismeanseverymalegetsaturn.Solater,whenshe'sgotakid,alltheadultmaleshaveabeliefthatthekidmaybehis,andthisbeliefkeepshimfromkillingit.Humanfemales,ontheotherhand,areverysecretivewhentheyareinestrus.Knowingthis,whatkindofrulesshouldwegivetohumanstomakesureanychildrenwilllivelongenoughtoreproducethemselves?Alsodifficultisthatwomendon'tevenknowthemselvestheyarepregnantforatleastanothermonth.Onewaytosolvethiswouldbetomakesurethatthewomanhascertain"feelings"forthemanbeforeshehassex.Thiswouldensurehehasahighchanceofstayingaround.Tomakedoublesure,anotherrulewecouldgivetohumanswouldbethatanymanwhohassexwithawomanwillfeelstrong"feelings"forher,andonlyher.Let'sreviewthesetworules.Awomanwon'tsleepwithamaleuntilshehasstrongfeelingswhichareasignalthatletsherknowhe'sthetypetostickaround.Thesecondruleistomakethemanhavecertainfeelingsforheraftertheyhavesex.Remember,neithermannorwomanwouldknowshe'spregnantuntilatleastamonthlater.So,thesefeelingsmustbeverystrong.Tomaketriplesure,let'smakesuretheman'sfeelingsforthewomanskyrocketoncethebabycomes.Whyonlyforhim?He'stheonethat'sgottodoalltheworktogooutandhuntforfoodandprovideforhisnewwife.She'sjustgivenbirth,andforthenextfewyears,she'sprettymuchchainedtohernewresponsibility.Herfeelingshifttothebaby,andhisfeelingsmultiplyforher,andforthebaby,significantly.These“rules”wouldgiveanychildastrongchanceoflivinglongenoughtohavebabiesofhisown.SummaryofInstinctiveLoveToensurethesurvivalofourspecies,wecandefineloveasthatstrongattractiveforcebetweenmanandwomanthatmustexistinherbeforetheyhavesex,andattheveryleast,existinhimaftertheyhavesex.Thisforceofattractionmustbestrongenoughtokeepthemtogetheruntiltheybothknowsheispregnant.Once

itisobvioustothebothofthem,thefeelingoflovewithinthemanforthewomanhastobestrongenoughtolastatleastsevenyears.Theancientpeoplewhohadthesenaturallyoccurringemotionswerecapableofsurviving,simplybecausetheseemotionskeptbabiesalivelongenoughtoliveintoadulthoodandproducebabiesontheirown.Thesefeelingsareinstinctive,andnotconscious.Theyhappenautomatically.Theyarefeelingsofattraction,whichmakesthemwanttobetogether.Inournaturalstateawomanmustfeelstrongenoughemotionsforamanbeforehavingsexwithhim,andthemanmustfeelstrongemotionsasaresultofsleepingwithher.Atthispoint,wearejustdescribingthebasicinstinctiverequirementsofhowourloveinstinctevolved.Noneofthisisarecommendation(e.g.concludingthatamanwon'tloveyouuntilyousleepwithhimisfalse).Remember,wearefirstintendingtounderstandourinstincts,sowecanlaterfigureouthowtoreproducethem,muchlikemoviesmakeusfeellikeweareinlove(briefly),whenwereallyaren't.LoveIsanAttractiveInstinctAtthispoint,wecandefineloveasanattractiveinstinct.Itmustexistinthewomanbeforesheiswillingtohavesexwithaman.Anditwillexistinamanafterhehassexwithawoman.Thestrengthofitwillincreasewhenachildisborn.So,atthispoint,wecansaythatloveisanattractiveinstinct,whosestrengthisnotfixed.Itcangetstronger,asinthecasewithinamanaftersexandafterthechildisborn.Itcangetweaker,asthechildgetsolderandislessdependentontheparents.WhatCausesLove?Accordingtoourpurelylogicalanddistanttreatmentoflove,itseemstobepresentinwomen,anditislikelypresentinmen,beforesexhappens.Thismayseemobvious,itmaynot,butweneedtotakethisideaaparttobesure.Rememberthatloveneedstobepresentinawomanbeforeshesleepswithaman.Thisissoshecanberelativelysurehewillstickaround.Womenarenotbiologicallyprogrammedtonaturallyfeeladesiretohavesexwithamanwithoutfirstfeelinglove.Andmenneedtofeelloveafterhavingsex,sotheywillbearoundlongenoughtoseethechildborn,andfeelthecompulsiontostayaroundforseveralyears.Butdoesamanfeellovebeforehavingsex?Let'simaginethecasewherehedoesnot.Remember,womenmustfeellovebeforehavingsexwithaman.Isitlikelythatawomanwouldfeelloveforaman,butthemannotfeelareciprocalfeeling?Itispossible,butnotlikely.Loveneedsto

develop,anditneedstodevelopinthewomanbeforeshehassex.It'shardtoimagineascenariowhereawomanwilldevelopfeelingsofloveforaman,butthemannotfeelanyreciprocalfeelings.Itcertainlycanhappen,weallknowthefeelingofone-itis.It'seasytoimaginethattherewereafewancientcave-womenwhohadone-itisforacaveman,andthecavemantookadvantageofher,butwasthisthenorm,orwasitanexception?Itdoesn'tseemthatagenetictraitoffallinginlovewithamanwhodidn'treciprocatewouldbemuchofanevolutionaryadvantage.Infact,ifweimaginetwogroupsofwomen,onewhodemandedreciprocalloveandonewhodidn't,whodoyouthinkwouldproducethemostsuccessfuloffspring,overtime?Itwouldseemthatalargerproportionofthenon-reciprocalcavemanloverswouldbethe"love-'emandleave-'em"type.Andonethingthatistrueaboutevolutionisthatevenaminusculeadvantagewilltendtowinoutovertime.Let'slookatsomemath,justtobesure.Let'ssupposewehavetwogroupsofahundredcavewomen.Grouponerequiresacertainfeelingofreciprocallovebeforehavingsex.Grouptwowillhavesexiftheyfeelone-itis,ornon-reciprocallove.Ifonlyasmallpercentageofgrouptwoareleftraisingachildonherown,evolutionwilleventuallypreferthefirstgroup,whorequiresreciprocallove,asitthatarrangement(reciprocallove)givesoffspringofreciprocalloversaslightlyhigherchanceofsurvival.SeriouslyDude?

Yes,thatwasalotofcerebralthinking.Butunderstandwhatwejustuncovered.Thateveninancientcavepeople,lovewaslikelysomethingthatneededtoexistbeforesexhappened.Thismeanslovewascreatedinbothmalesandfemales,bybothmalesandfemales,withnon-sexualbehavior.Wecansafelysaythatlovewascreatedinancienthumansthroughnon-sexualbehaviors,andenhancedbysexualbehaviors,andfurtherenhancedbythearrivalofchildren.Thisisgoodnews.Thisisfantasticnews.Nowallweneedtodoisreverseengineerwhatthoseancientnon-sexualbehaviors(e.g.communicationandsocialbehavior)were,sowecanthenreproduceit,atwill,inourownlives.

Non-VerbalCreationofLoveSofar,we'vecomeupwithanideathatlovemustexistbeforecouplesdecidetogettogether,fromapurelybiologicalandinstinctivestandpoint.Nowwe'lltryandfigureoutunderwhatconditionsthosenon-sexualinteractionsandcommunicationshappened.Inunderstandinghowmenandwomeninteracted,we'llbebettertounderstandthescenariounderwhichlovewasmostlikelytospontaneouslyariseinourancestors.Keepinmindourover-archinggoal.Tounderstandasspecificallyaswecanhowthosefeelingsofloveweremostlikelytohappen,sowecanrecreatethatatwillinourownlives.Luckily,alotofresearchhasbeendoneonwhatthoseancientsocietiesmayhavebeenlike,andsomeoftheresultsareprettyinteresting.SexualDivisionofLaborIt'scommonlyunderstoodbymanythatourancestorswerehunter-gatherers.Butwhat'snotreallyunderstoodiswhodidwhat,andmoreimportantlywhatthoseimplicationswereforourspecies.Thinkofyourfavoritemammal,orevenyourfavoriteanimal.Oneofourdistinctivebehaviorsthatseparatesusfromeveryotherlivingcreatureishowwegetourfood.Whateveranimalyoujustthoughtof,whenthemalesandfemalesgolookingforfood,whateverfoodyourfavoriteanimalhappenstoeat,bothmalesandfemaleslookforthesamekind.Maleandfemalebirdslookforthesametypesofwormsinthesametypesofplaces.Maleandfemaleantelopeeatthesametypeofgrassinthesameareas,usuallyincloseproximitytoeachother.Maleandfemalewolveshuntforthesamesmallanimalsinthesameplaces.Humans,forwhateverreason,splitupthetypeoffoodmalesandfemalesget.Inourancientancestors,menhunted,andwomengathered.Thismeantthattherewasaclearsexualdivisionoflabor,witheachgendergettingadifferenttypeoffood.Menhunted,andbroughtbackproteinandfat.Womengatheredandcollectedfiber,occasionalfruit,andcomplexcarbohydrates.Thishasalotofimplications,andsomeofthemareclearlyvisibletodayinthedifferencesbetweenmenandwomen.Wecanunderstandthesedifferencesinimaginingthedaytodaylaborthatmenandwomendidforhundredsofthousandsofyearsbeforetheinventionofagriculture.Menhunted,sowhatdoesthismean?Theyusuallywalkedsilently,soasnottoscareawayanypotentialprey.Theytendedtolookfaroffintothedistancewithaverysmallfieldofvision.Whentheydidseeapotentialkillupinthedistance,themore

theycouldsilentlystrategizewithoneanothertosneakupontheanimal,surrounditandkillit,thebetter.Imaginethedailylaborofwomen,ontheotherhand.Theyhadnoneedtobesilent.Theytalkedandgossiped(we'llseelaterwhythisisaveryimportantelementintribalcohesion)whilelookingforroots,andwatchingoverthechildren.Asaresult,womenhaveamuchlargerfieldofvision,andamuchshorterrangeofvision.Menhaveamuchlongerrange,butamuchnarrowfieldofvision.Menrarelytalk,whilewomenalwaystalk.Theroleofgossipisparticularlyinteresting.Thewomenwouldgossipaboutwhowasdoingwhat,whatmenweregoingafterwhichwomen,etc.Themen,whentheywouldlatercomehome,wouldlearnthelatestdirt(indirectly)aboutalltheirhuntingpartners.Andtheyallknewthattheyallknew.Scientistsbelieveitwasthisdivisionoflaborinfindingfoodthatallowedhumanstoliveinalotwiderrangeoflocations.Ifyouareachimp,andallyoucaneatarebananas,theyyoucanonlylivewherebananasgrow.Butifyouareahuman,andhalfthetribeisalwayscollectingfibrousroots,nuts,andoccasionalfruit,whilethemenareouthuntingforproteinandfat,thenyoucanliveintwiceasmanyplaces.Humansareomnivores,meaningwecaneatanything.Iftherewereplentyofanimals,butnotroots,wewerefine.Iftherewereplentyofroots,butnoanimals,wewerefine.MostImportantTakeawayThemostimportantthingtounderstandaboutthisancientlifestyleiswhatitmeanstofallinlove.Theyoungmenandtheyoungwomenwhowerefallinginlovedidsoduringthiscommonscenario.Themenwouldgohunting,oftenfordaysatatime.Whileyoungloversweregoingabouttheirdailylabor(menhuntingandwomengathering)theywereapartfromoneanother.Whenevertheygottogether,therewaslikelyverylittletimetobealonetogether.Oneofthethingsweassociatewithmodernsocietythatabsolutelydidn'texistbackthenwaspersonalprivacy.Everybodydideverythingtogether.Whatdoesthismeanforfallinginlove?Thatmostofthetime,youngloverswerenotincontact.Whentheywereincontact,theywerealwayssurroundedbyotherpeople.Itisverylikelythatlovedevelopedwithoutthewould-beloverseverbeingalonetogether.Iftheyeverdidhavetimetobealone,itwaslikelyveryrareandshortlived.ImplicationsLet'sreviewsowedon'tmissanything.Peopleneededtofeelstrongfeelings

(whatwecancalllove)foreachotherbeforehavingsex.Thatlovewasdevelopedunderanenvironmentwhereanywould-be-loverswereseparatedmuchmorethantheyweretogetherinagroupsetting.Imaginewhatitwouldbelikeforayoungmanandayoungwoman,whowerefallinginlove.Sincetheydidn'tspendany"alonetime"mostoftheirideasabouttheotherpersoncamefromtheirpeers.Alltheolderwomenwouldgivetheyoungwould-beloveradviceaboutherpotentialbeau.Theyoungmanwouldcarryhisthoughtsabouthispotentialwifeinhismind.Wecansafelysaythattheideaofloveisbasedontheideaeachhasoftheother.Andideaheldinmindwhiletheactualpersonwasnotpresent.Thisisveryimportant.Theideaisthatlovedevelopedwhentheyoungcouplewasseparated.Whentheywerenotaloneandnotspeakingtooneanother.Whentheiractualtimetogetherwasveryscarce.MutualOne-ItisThismaybeaccuratelydescribedasamutualone-itisforoneanother.One-itisisacommonenoughterm,butlet'sexplainitsotherearenomisunderstandings.One-itisiswhenonepersonlikesorlovesanotherperson,buttheydon'treallyknowthatotherperson.It'susuallydescribedasfallinginlovewithanidealratherthantherealperson,andassuch,it'susuallyfrownedupon.Butthisispreciselywhatlovewas,whenithappenedspontaneouslyinprimitivesociety.Amutualone-itis.Eachpersonstartedhavingfeelingsforoneanother,andthosefeelingswerenotbasedonanyactualunderstandingoftheotherperson.Onlyasmallamountofactualinteractivity,usuallywhenotherpeoplewerearound.Butmostofthetimetheywereapart.LoveIngredientsWemightdescribethethreemaincomponentsoflove.Interactioninagroupsetting,withveryrareinteractionsinaoneononesetting.Butmostofthetime,lovedevelopedwhenthetwoloversarenowhereneareachother.Thefemaleloverthinksofhermanwhileshe'sgatheringwiththerestofthewoman.Themaleloverthinksofhisgirlwhilehe'shuntingwiththeothermen.AbsenceMakestheHeartGrowFonderThisisacommontruism,andnowwecanseejusthowtrueitreallyis.Atthispoint,weneedtobringuptheideaofinstinctmismatch.Hungeristheeasiestexample.Backinthedaysofhunter-gatherers,alwaysbeinghungrywasa

benefit,sincefoodwashardtocomeby.Havingmorehungermeantyouweremoremotivatedtoalwaysbelookingforfood.Beinghungerwasaveryusefulevolutionarybenefit.Todayisadifferentstory.Alwaysbeinghungrywilleithermakeusobeseorfrustrated.Whathelpedusbackinthedaysofhunter-gathersgetsinthewaytoday.Thinkofthenaturaldevelopmentoflovethesameway.Wearehardwiredtofallinloveinanenvironmentwherewerarelyseetheobjectofouraffection.Today,it'snearlyimpossibletonotcontacttheobjectofyourdesire.Butjustlikeourhungerthatdoesn'thelpustoday,becausethereissomuchfoodavailable,ourdesiretobeincontactwiththeobjectofourdesireisequallydangers.Justlikehunger,thatdesirewhichhelpedlovegrowinthepast,sincewewereforcedbyourenvironmenttoalwaysbeapart,iswhatoftenkillslovebeforeitevenbeginsinthemodernworld,whenweareneveroutofreach.BiggestTakeawayNowwehaveourfirstrequiredingredientnecessarytoengineerloveinourtargets.Andthatiswemustbeawayfromthem,andoutoftouch,morethantheiravailabilitysuggests.Justlikebeingslimandhealthyrequireseatingmuchlessthanwewantto.Wecanfurtherunderstandthatlovemustgrowinthemindofourtargetsinourabsence.Itcannotbecreatedwithuspresent,infact,ourpresenceistheonethingthatmaykeepitfromgrowing.

MutualOne-ItisIfthisreallyisanaccuratedescriptionoflove,whichitdoesseemtobe,let'sexplorethisalittlebitmoreandseeifitfitsintoourunderstandingofknownhumanbiasesandthinkingpatterns.Let'simagineayoungcouple,bothsufferingfrommutualone-itis.Theycan'tgettheirmindsoffeachotherwhentheyareapart,butwhentheyaretogether,theybothfeelawkwardandinsecure.Eachone,intheirownmind,wantverymuchtogettogetherwiththeobjectoftheirdesire,buttheyeach,intheirownmind,havedoubts.Theyworrythattheymighthavefeelingsthataren'treciprocated.Whatiftheyexplainhowtheyfeel,andtheyarewrong,andtheirmisunderstandingisexposedtothewholetribe!Theirfriendsareallsubtlytryingtopushandengineerthemtogether.Butatthesametime,theirfriendsfeeltheyshouldn'tpushtoomuch,recallingtheirownexperiences.Remember,backthen,fallinginlovewasaonceinalifetimeexperience.Thisshouldfeelveryfamiliar.Thisisthecommonfeelingamongstawkwardhighschoolerswhostumbletheirwayintotheirfirstrelationship.Theseideasarealsoverycommonthemesinplentyofromancemovies.One-ItisandPerceptionWeallhaveexperiencewiththe"redcar"scenario.Thatis,webuyaredcar,andsuddenlyweseealltheredcarsaround.Orwebuyagreenshirtandwesuddenlynoticehowmanypeoplearewearinggreenshirts.Thishappensbecausethereisamassivedifferenceinthethingsweareconsciouslyawareof,andtheactualamountofinformationhittingoursenses.Forpurelyeconomicreasons,ourconsciousbrainssimplycannotprocessalltheinformationhittingoursenses.MotherNaturehasdevelopedacleversystemforus.Wewillalwaysbealertedtothingsthataredangerous.Snakes,tigers,loudnoises,angrypeople.Thesearelikeourfactorysettings.Whenwearehummingalongandenjoyingourday,ourpre-consciousprocessorisalwaysonhighalertforthisfactory-setdangersignals.Thisiswhywejumpatshadows,andarenaturallyafraidofsnakesandothercreepy-crawlies.Butwealsohavealittlebitofprogrammability.Ourpre-consciousprocessoriscapableofbeingonalertforthingsthataren'tgeneticallyprogrammed,butareveryimportanttous.Ournameisoneofthese.Moneyisanother.Sincemoneyisveryimportanttous,oureyesarenaturallydrawntoanymoneythatwemightfindonthesidewalk.Butifyoumovedtoaforeigncountry,itwouldn'ttakelongforyourpre-conscious

processorto"re-calibrated"itselftothelocalcurrency.Thisissomethingthatyou'veneverseenbefore,butinaveryshortamountoftime,seeingthatforeigncurrencylayingonthesidewalkwouldgiveyouthatsame,"foundmoney"feeling.Whenweareinloveor"mutualone-itis"weareonhighalertfornotonlythepresenceofourloveinterest,butdiscussionsaboutthem.ConfirmationBiasThisissomethingthatgenerallygetsabadrap,butit'ssomethingthatwasveryhelpfulbackinthedaysofhuntergathers.Confirmationbiassimplymeanssortingthroughallthedatathatishittingyoursenses,andonlyseeingorrecognizingtheinformationthatiscongruentwithourbeliefs.Thisishowwechooseourfriends,andthisishowwechoosethetypesofnewsweconsume.Thisisalsothereasonbehindthecommonstatement,"Youseewhatyoubelieve."Whatdoesthishavetodowithlove?Ifyouweretolookatsomebodyyoudidn'tknow,youwouldseecertainthingstheydidandgivethosethingscertainmeanings.Ifyousawsomebodywhobelongedtoadifferentpoliticalparty,thenthosesamethingsmightbe"proof"oftheirevil-ness.Acompletelyneutralpersonwhowasinlineinfrontofyouwouldcauseyoutofeelneutralfeelings.Butsomebodywhowaswearingacertainpieceofclothingwhichrepresentedapoliticalideologyyoudisagreewithwouldcausethosesamebehaviorstogiveyouamuchdifferentfeeling.Butwhenyouseetheobjectofyourdesire,everythingtheydoisperfect.Thewaythewalk,thewaythetalk,thewaytheholdtheirsilverware,it'sallseenthroughthelensofone-itis.Whatthismeansthatevenwhentheobjectofourdesireiswithinsight,westillseethemthroughourimaginaryperceptionofthem.ChickenorTheEggThinkbacktoyourfirstgrade-schoolcrush.Therewasatimebeforeyouhadacrushonthatperson,andtherewasatimeafteryou"noticedfeelings"forthatperson.Thisissometimesdescribingas"firstnoticingthem,"whenyou"didn'tnoticethem"before.Thequestionis,whichcamefirst?Didyounoticetheminacertainway,developfeelings,andyoustartedtonoticethemmoreandmore?Didthefeelingsforthemcomefirst,andthenyoustartednoticingthem?Ordidyouwatchthemforonereasonoranother,andthendevelopfeelings?SexualTheoryofEvolution

WhenDarwincameupwithhistheoryofevolution,thereweretwoparts.Onewasthatdifferentspeciesevolvedbecauseofsurvivaladvantages.Animalsthatcouldseebettercouldsurviveandreproducefasterthananimalsthatcouldn'tseewell.Ancientpre-humansthatwerebetteratfindingfoodtendedtopassonmoregenes(overtime)thanthosewhoweren'tasskilledingettingfood.Thisisthecommonwayevolutionistalkedabout.Buttheotherhalf,thesexualhalf,ismuchmoreinteresting.Thinkoftwoancientpre-humans,bothequalineveryway,saveone.Theyhadthesameeyesight,theycouldhuntequallywell,theywereequallystrong,buttherewasonecrucialdifference.Oneofthecavemenwasmuchbetteratgettingcavegirlstofallinloveandhavesexwithhimthantheother.Thiswouldcreateamuchfasterevolutionarychangethananysurvivalbenefits.Let'sconsidersomemath.Let'ssaytheyeachhavethreekids.Butonecavemanisaslightlybetterhunterthantheother.Thiswouldmeanthathisthreekidswouldhaveaslightlybetterchanceofsurvivingthattheotherguy’skids.Let'ssaythatonaverage,2.9ofthenon-hunter’skidssurvived,while3.0ofthehunter’skidssurvived.Givenenoughtime,thehuntersgeneswouldslowlytakeoverthegenepool.Itwouldlikelytakethousandsofgenerations,butitwouldhappen.Nowlet'sconsidertwoequalhunters,butonewasastone-coldplayer,whiletheotherwasanaverageseducerofcave-women.Theplayerwouldhavemanymorekids.Hewouldevenbehavingkidsinsecretwithsomeoftheaveragecavemen'swifeonthesly.Thismeansthatgenesfortheplayerwouldpropagatemuchfasterthananysurvivalbenefitgenes.ThisishowDarwincouldexplainwhytheanimalsontheGalapagosIslandsweremuchdifferentthanonthemainlandafteronlybeingseparatedbyafewthousandyears.Genesthatarebasedonsexualselection,andnotsurvivalselection,cantakeoffinunexpecteddirections.Forhumans,thismeansmuchofourunconsciousandnon-verbalbehavior.So,whenwecrossthethresholdfrom"notnoticing"somebodyto"noticing"somebody,therearelikelyplentyofinteractivevariables.Wenoticedthem,theynoticedusnoticingthem,wenoticedthemnoticingusnoticingthem,etc.Allofthishappenssubconsciously.Fromourconsciousperspective,thisshowsupasonedayjust"havingfeelings"forsomebody.Buttheoverallprocessismuchdeeperandmuchmorecomplicated.TribalSizeMosttribeswerelarge,aroundtwotothreehundredpeople.Thismeantthatanyloversthatwereinthe"pre-sexual"and"noticingeachotherstage"wereusuallyseparated.Alsorecallthatwhilethemenwereouthunting,thewomenweregossiping.Thenthewomenwouldtelltheirmenallthelatestgossipwhenthey

camehome.Thismeantthatevenwhenthetribewastogether,therewasalotofdistancebetweenthetwowouldbelovers,anditusuallytookplacewithalotof"socialbuzz"aboutcurrenttribalevents.

LoveIngredients-AncientTribeNowwe'rereadytostartputtingtogethertheingredientsneededtocreatethefeelingoflove.Orrather,thesituationthatmadethespontaneouscreationofloveprobable.Onceweunderstandwhatwasmostlikelyrequiredinancienttimes,whichiswhenourinstinctswereprogrammed,wecanthenseeabouthowtobestrecreatethosesituationsinmoderntimes.SeparationLoveseemstohappenwhiletheloversareapartfromoneanother.Theymusthavesomeideaofeachother,andtheyhavetothinkabouteachotherwhentheyareapart.Thiscouldpotentiallyhappeninthreeways.Thefirstwouldbethegirlnoticestheguy,buthedoesn'tquitenoticeher.Thenwhenhe'sgonefortheday,orfordays,shethinksabouthim.Themoreshethinksabouthim,themoreshewonderswhyshecan'tgethimoutofhermind.Prettysoonthosethoughtsabouthimshiftfrombeingneutralthoughts,tobeingaffectionatethoughts.Eventuallyshe'llseehimagain,andshe'lllookathimwithaslightlydifferentcombinationofnon-verbalbodylanguage.She'snowthinkingofhiminaffectionateways,andthiscomesacrossunconsciouslyinthewaysheactsaroundhim.Thismakeshimnoticeherwhenhedidn'tnoticeherbefore.Thentheyareseparateagain,butthistimehestartstothinkaboutheralittledifferently.Perhapshenoticedshewasacting"goofy"aroundhim,buthedidn'tknowwhy.Ashehuntsallday,orforseveraldays,withtheothermen,hecan'tgetheroutofhismind.Thesethoughtsthenshiftfromneutraltoaffectionate.Meanwhile,herthoughtsarebecomingmoreaffectionate.Eventuallytheyseeeachotheragain,andnowtheirmutualone-itisiscomplete.Heknows(orsuspectsoristoldbyhiselders)thatshelikeshim.Healsolikesher.Howeverlongthiscontinues,everytimetheyseparate,theirmutualfeelingsgrowuntilitisobvioustoeverybody.Finally,theygettogetherandthetribenowhasonemorehappyfamily.Thesecondwaythiscanhappenistheopposite.Heistheonethatstartshavingfeelingsforher.Thenhelooksatherdifferently,whichmakeshernoticehim.Thenshethinksabouthimwhilehe'saway,andlikelytalksabouthimwithherfemalefriends.Thisbuildsupherdesireforhimandwegetthesameresult:Mutualone-itis.Thefinalpossibilityisithappenssimultaneously.Maybetheybumpintoeachother,physically,andthinkabouteachotherwhiletheyareapart.Butnomatterwhichofthethreecases,itallrequirestheybeaparttohavetimeto"convince

themselves"ofthefeelingoflove.Ofcourse,thephrase,"convincethemselves"isn'tquiteaccurate.Lovehappens,oritseemstohappen,spontaneously.Butitseemstohappenwhilethewould-beloversareseparated,andthinkingofeachother.ScarcityTheseparationcreatesafeelingofscarcity.Humanswantwhatwecan'thave.Orrather,allelseequal,thescarcersomethingis,themorewewantit.Theperiodofseparationiswhenbothpartiesarethinkingofeachother,butdonothaveaccesstoeachother.Theirphysicalpresence,fromeachother’sstandpoint,isveryscarce.Notonlyisitscarce,butitisunpredictable.Huntersdon'tknowwhentheyaregoingtoreturn.Iftheygetluckyandbagawoollymammothbeforelunch,theycomehomeearly.Butiftheygetskunkedandhavetochaseaheardofzebrasforacoupledays,theymightnotbebackforaweek.Sonotonlyisscarcityrequired,it'sscarcitycoupledwithanunknownreturn.UncertaintyWecanseparatethispartoutasaseparaterequirement.Bothwould-belovershavenoideawhentheywillseeeachotheragain.Evenwhenthehuntersreturn,theyarealargetribe,andthetwoyoungloversmightnothaveachancetoevenbeneareachother.TheFeelingEachmusthaveanaffectionatefeelingforeachother.Thiscanstartoutasaneutralfeeling,butitmustturnintoanaffectionatefeeling.Thisaffectionatefeelingwillcomeacrossonhowtheyactaroundeachother.Morelingeringeyecontact,moreopenbodylanguage.Boththefeelingandtheresultingunconsciousbodylanguageareanecessaryrequirement.SocialApprovalWhileit'scommoninmoderntimestofallinlovedespitenothavinganysocialapproval,it'sactuallyaveryrarecase.Whenweforceourselvestoseeloveasaninstinctthatwascreatedduringourlonghuntergathererperiod,itwouldseemthatnothavingsocialapprovalyetstillgettingtogetherandhavingachildwouldbeveryrare.So,we'llassumethatinmostofcases,thecouplehadsocial

approvalfromtheirpeers.Themen,thepeersofthemale,approvedofthefemale.Thewomen,thepeersofthefemale,approvedofthemale.Thissocialapprovallikelyenhancedthetransitionfromaneutralfeelingtoanaffectionatefeeling.Justtomakesure,let'sassumetwotribes,withtwodifferentsocialapprovalgenes.Onetribedidn'treallycarewhohookedupwithwhom.Thesecondtribemadesurethateverybodythathookedupwasapprovedbymostoftheirpeers.It'snotdifficulttoseethatchildrenofthesecondtribewouldhaveahigherprobabilityofsurvivingthanthechildrenofthefirsttribe.Sincethechildrenofthesecondtribewerebornofapprovedunions,theywouldbemorelikelytobecaredforwithenthusiasmthanchildreninthefirsttribe.Wecanthereforeassumethatsocialapproval,whilenotnecessary,willdefinitelyenhanceanyfeelingsofaffection.TimeThelastingredientistime.Loveisafeelingthatneedstogrowinthemindsofthelovers.Itisnotsomethingthathappenedquickly.Again,wecanimaginetwotribes.Thefirsttribefellinlove(andhadsexandmadebabies)atthedropofhat.Thesecondtribehadamuchlengthier"fallinginlove"process.It'seasytoseehowchildreninthefirsttribewouldbemuchlesslikelytosurvivethanchildreninthesecondtribe.Childreninthefirsttribewouldtendtobethesoleresponsibilityoftheparents,whilechildrenofthesecondtribewouldbemorelikelyseenas"tribalchildren"whowereeverybody'sresponsibility,sincemanymorepeoplewereinvolvedinthecreationofthefeelingoflove.Thisbringsustoonemoreimportantingredient.CommitmentandConsistencyThiswillbeabithardertounderstand.Butonetraitthatisnotedinmodernhumansisthatwearemuchmorelikelytodothingsthatwe'vealreadydonebefore.Onereasonmaybethatdoingfamiliarthingsrequiresmuchlessbrainpowerthanfiguringoutnewthingsallthetime.Whenlookingatloveasatribalevent,theideaofcommitmentandconsistencycanbefoundnearlyeverywhere.Eachloverthinksabouteachother,andthemoretheythinkabouteachother,themoretheyarelikelytothinkabouteachother.Themoretheythinkabouteachotherwhentheyareapart,themorefamiliaritfeelstothinkabouteachother,andthestrongerthosethoughtsbecome.Themoreeachloverdiscussestheirpotentialpartnerwiththeirpeergroup,themorethatbecomesafamiliarthing.Bythetimetheygettogetherandhaveachild,nearlyeverybody

hasparticipatedtosomedegree.Remember,fromapurelybiologicalstandpoint,thewholepurposeofallofthisistoensurethesurvivalofthechild.Thatistheprimedirective,fromapurelybiologicalstandpoint,ofthetribe.Tocreatetheenvironmentofhavingchildrenthathavethebestchancesofmakingitintoadulthoodandrepeatingtheprocess.Achildbornofacouplewhotooktheirtimeleveragestheideaofcommitmentandconsistencyforeachother,andthechild.Thetribalmemberswhoarenearesttothecouplewillalsofeelaslightobligation(unconsciousandinstinctive)forthechild,sincetheyhelpedalongtheprocess(viasocialapproval)oftheyoungcouplegettingtogether.Everystepoftheway,fromthetimetheyfirstnoticedeachother,tothetimetheirfirstchildwasborn,theyweredoingthingsthatwereconsistentwithpreviousbehavior,whichfurthersolidifiedandmadefamiliarthatbehavior.

LoveIngredients-ModernSocietyNowwe'lltakethosesameingredientsthatwerelikelypresentwheneveryancienthumanfellinlovewithanotherancienthumanandtranslatethemintoourmodernsociety.Ourancientancestorsdependedonlove"justhappening,"asdomostpeople.Butwewillsoonseethatwhenwecombinethosesameingredients,theydon'tneedtohappenspontaneously.Theycanbecreatedjustasscientificallyandrepeatedlyasmoviesthatmakeuscry.Ifyouhaveeverfalleninlovebefore,orifyouhaveaspecialpersoninmindasyoureadthisthatyouwouldliketomakefallinlovewithyou,keepthatpersonorexperienceinmindasyoureadthroughtheseingredients.SeparationLovehappenswhenyouareapartfromtheobjectofyourdesire.Sinceyouwillbecreatingloveinsomebodyelse,youneedtomakesuretheyareapartfromyou.Youwillneedtogivethemthetimealone,withoutaccesstoyou,whilethatfeelingoflovecansuccessfullyincubateintheirmind.Lovedoesnothappen;aneutralfeelingdoesnotturnintoafeelingofaffectionwhenwearepresent.Wemustbeseparatelongenoughforthoseneutralfeelingstoturnintofeelingsofaffection,orforthosefeelingsofaffectiontogrowinstrength.Rememberallthetimesyoufellinlovewithsomebody.Recalltheperiodoverwhichthosefeelingstrengthened.Theylikelystrengthenedwhenyouwereawayfromthem,ratherthanwhenyouwerewiththem.ScarcityThisisacorollarytoseparation.Theobjectofourdesiremustbescarce.Theymustonlybeaccessibleforashortperiodoftime.Wemustthinkofthemmoreoftenthanwecanbewiththem.Thisislikelythemostcommonlyrecognized"rulesofattraction"inmoderndating.Ifyoutexttoooften,calltoooften,orotherwisemakeyourselfavailabletoooften,thefeelingofattractionwillnotgrow,orworse,anyfeelingofattractionthatexistswillshrinkanddisappear.Despitethisbeingoneofthemostcommonlyknownrulesofattraction,itisalsothemostbroken.Understandthatasaninstinct,loveisbestcultivatedinourancientenvironment,whentherewerenopossiblechancesofcommunicatingwiththeobjectsofourdesire.Thisisverysimilartoournever-endinghunger.

Backthen,beinghungryallthetimewasabenefit,asithelpedustostaymotivatedtoalwayshuntforfood.Alwayswantingtocontactourlovedesire,butnotableto,wasalsoabenefit,asitsignificantlystrengthenedtheemotionalbond,whichgaveanychildrenastrongchanceofsurviving.However,considerthesetwoinstinctstoday,hunger,andtheinstincttocommunicatewithourlovedesire.Hungeriseasilyfulfilled,asthereareplentyofsourcesoffood.Theresultisthatmanypeopleareobese.Similarly,ourinstincttowanttocontactourlovedesireislongerconstrainedbyournaturalenvironment.Becauseofthis,theemotionalbondsnevergetachancetostrengthenasmuchastheycould.Understandthiswilllikelybeyourmostdifficultobstacle,ofnotcontactingyourlovedesire.Likehunger,itisveryhardtoavoidallthefoodopportunitiesthroughsheerwillpower.Itissimilarlydifficulttoavoidcontactingyourlovedesire(whenthereareendlessopportunities)throughsheerwillpower.Luckily,knowingthatthisisanecessarycomponent,andthatcontactingthemtoooftenwilllikelydestroyanylovefeelingstheyhaveforyouwillhelpyouavoidthiscommontemptation.UncertaintyCoupledwithscarcityisuncertainty.Evennewloverswhocontacteachotheronceaweek,butdosoonthesamedayandsamehoureveryweek,willnothaveasstrongafeelingofloveastheycan.Thecontactmustbescarce,andthetimingmustberandom.Knowingwhenyourlovedesirewillcontactyounextmustbeasuncertainandunpredictableaspossibletogivethechanceofloveforyougrowingstronglyintheirmind.TheFeelingThefeelingofone-itismustbepresent.Theymustlikeyou,butbeuncertainwhetheryoulikethem.Whentheyseeyou,theymustseeevidencethatyoulikethem,butitcannotbeoverwhelmingandobviousevidence.Rememberourancientancestorshadfeelingsthatmanifestedthroughtheirunconsciousbodylanguage.Unlessyouliveinaverysmalltown,thiswillbeveryhardtoreproduce.Buttheendresultofnoticingyou,andfeelingattractedtoyouwhilenotbeingsureifyouareattractedtothemwillbenecessary.Thiswillbeachievedthroughsomeveryspecificinterpersonalcommunicationstyles,thatwillbelargelyunconsciouswhenfeltbyyourtarget.Theywillhavethesameeffectasthemhavingfeelingsforyou,andsuspecting,butnotquitebeingsure,ifyouhavefeelingsforthem.Thiswillbeacommunicationstylethatwillneed

tobepracticed.SocialApprovalThisisnotabsolutelynecessary,butitwillmakethefeelinginyourtargetsmindmuchmorepowerful.Youmustbeapprovedbytheirsocialpeergroup,andtheymustfeelapprovalbyyoursocialpeergroup.Thisiseasytoengineerthroughyourcommunicationstyle,andhowyoutalkaboutyourselftoyourtargetspeergroup,andhowyoutalkaboutyourtargettoyourownpeergroup.Thisisnotanecessaryingredient,butthemoreyoucanleveragethisparticularingredient,thebetter.TimeImaginethatloveisaseedyoumustplantintheirmind.Onceplanted,themostimportantthingistogiveittimetogrow,onitsown,whenyouarenotaround.Youplanttheseedbyhowyoutalktothemwhenyouseethem,andyouletitgrowwhenyouareleveragingscarcityanduncertainty.We'llgothroughsomespecificdetailsonhowtomeasurehowstronglyloveforyouisgrowingintheirmind,butgenerallyspeaking,thelongerittakes,thestrongeritwilltakeroot.CommitmentandConsistencyThiswillgenerallytakecareofitself,butthroughsomecalculatedbehaviors,youcanleveragethisquiteabit.Thegeneralruleisyourtargetwillbemorewillingtodothings,andthinkthings,iftheyarefamiliar.Bychoosingyourbehavioraroundthem,youcanpurposelybuildinthefeelingoffamiliaritywithhowyouspeakandactwhenyouarearoundthem.BalancingActThinkofalltheseelementsliketheingredientsforacake.Youcanbakeasbigacakeasyouwant,butyouneedtobesuretoincreaseeachingredientintherightproportion,attherighttime.Forexample,ifyouhavetoomuchcommitmentandconsistency(familiarity)notnearlyenoughscarcity,youwillbeinthefriendzone.Ifyouhavetoomuchscarcity,andnotenoughofthatfeelingofone-itis(feltbythemforyou)thenyouwillbeforgotten.Makenomistake,thisisacomplicatedprocess,anditcaneasilybeunsuccessfulifyoudon'tpayenoughattention.However,rememberyouarecreatingthemostwonderfulfeelingever

possibleinahuman.Thisisn'tsomethingtoincreasesomebody'sbuyingtemperatureenoughtobuyakitchengadget.Thisistocreateawonderfulemotionalfeelingthatwillresultinastrongemotionalattachmentforyou.

FirstSkill-Objective-SubjectiveSpectrumThiswillbethefirstmetaskillwecover.Ametaskillissomethingthatwillmakeotherskillseasier.Cookingagrilledcheesesandwichisaspecificskill.Cookingisametaskill.Learningtocookingeneralwillmakelearningindividualrecipesaloteasier.Mathematicsisametaskillthatcanhelpyoucook.Cookingrequiresunderstandingfractionsandratios,sowecansaythatmathematicsisametaskillabovecooking.Thismeansthatcertainmetaskillsaremoremetathanothers.Metameans"above."Thingslikelearningtolearn,beingabletogointostrangesituationsandfigurethingsoutwithoutneedingtobetold,generalpeopleandcommunicationskillsareallmetaskillsthatarefairlyhighupthe"metaladder"ofskills.Themoremetaskillsyouhave,theeasierlifewillbe.Oneofthehighestmetaskillstopossessistheabilitytoshiftbetweenthesubjectiveandobjectiveview.Weallhaveknownpeoplethatwereinbadrelationships.Everybodythatknewthemcouldtellfromtheoutsidelooking(theobjectiveview)thattherelationshipwasdangerous.Butfromwithintherelationship(subjectiveview)theythoughteverythingwasfine,oratleastitwasn'tnearlyasbadaseverybodyelsethoughtitwas.Unfortunately,manyoftherelationshipsendindeathorphysicalharm.Whyisthis?Thefeelingoflove,fromapurelybiologicalstandpoint,isthestrongestemotionwewillfeel.Thefeelingoflovebetweencouplesmustbestrongenoughtoensurethesurvivalofthechildren.Oncethechildisborn,thefeelingoflovebetweenmotherandchildisevenstronger.Ifyouevergohiking,nevergetbetweenamamabearandhercubs!Whenwefeelthefeelingoflove,anditisreciprocated,itisnearlyimpossibletothinkobjectively.Rememberoneofthekeyingredientsofloveisuncertainty.Unfortunately,beinginarelationshipwithsomebodywhodeliversthisuncertaintythroughviolentbehaviormaytriggerthosesamedeepfeelings.Wedon'tknowwhentheywillloveusandshowaffection,andwedon'tknowwhentheywillhitus.Asillogicalasthissounds,formanypeoplethiscreatesanemotionalattachmentthatisincrediblydifficulttowalkawayfrom.Ifyoualreadyhaveapersoninmindinwhichyouwouldliketocreateafeelingoflove,thiswillbedifficult.It'sasdifficultasobjectivelymeasuringandcontrollingthecaloriesyouareeatingwhenyouhaven'teateninseveraldaysandaresittingatanall-you-can-eatbuffetofyourfavoritefood.Oncethefeelingofloveisturnedon,it'sextremelydifficulttothinkobjectively.Atthesametime,theeasiestandmosteffectivewaytocreateafeelingofloveinsomebodyelseisthroughyourobjectivebehavior.Creatingloveinanother

humanisakintocreatingabodyasafitnessmodel.Youneedtoconsciouslycontrolyoureatingandyouractivity.Thisishard,buttherewardsaremany.Whenthefitnessmodeleatstheirperfectlybalanceddietof1800caloriesaday,theydosonotbecauseitfeelsgoodinthemoment.Theydosobecausetheyhaveastrongexpectationofamuchbettergoodalittlebitlaterinthefuture.Creatingloveinothersfromanobjectivemindsetisthesame.Weforegothecurrentpleasureinexchangeforamuchstrongerpleasurelater.Thefitnessmodelenjoyseatingboiledchickenbreastbecauseshehaspurposelycreatedtheconnectionbetweenthetasteofthechickenbreastandthefeelingofsuccess,whateverthatmeanstoafitnessmodel.Tocreateandenjoylove,youneedtoshiftfromthecreationphase,whenyouareobjectiveandcalculated,tothesubjectivephase,whenyoucanenjoythecompanyofyourloveinterestfromasubjectivestandpoint.Thestrongeryourabilitytomakethetransitionfromobjectivitytosubjectivity,themorerewardingyourexperienceswillbe.Ifyoucancreatelovewithpureobjectivity,youcancreatestrongloveinnearlyanybody.Ifyoucanthenswitchperiodicallyintothesubjectivemindset,youcanthenenjoythatloveasmuchasifithappenednaturallyandspontaneously.Muchlikesomebodytakingthetimetoscientificallyandobjectivelycookachocolatecake,andthenenjoyitontheirfriend’sorlover’sbirthday.Evenifyouarereadingthisguidetogetanintellectualviewoflove,beingabletoswitchfromobjectivetosubjectivemindsetswillserveinallareasoflife.Mostthingsareinfinitelycomplicatedfromasubjectiveview,butsimpleandbasicfromanobjectiveview.Fromanobjectiveview,hittingabaseballintherightfieldbleachersisasimpleapplicationofphysicsthatcanbeunderstoodatthehighschoollevel.Butfromasubjectiveview,itcouldbethemostsignificantmomentinaman'slife.Athletesswitchfromobjectivetosubjectiveviewallthetime.Anythingthatinvolvesrepetitivetrainingandcoachesisprimarilyconcernedwithtakingsubjectivebehaviors,elevatingthemtotheobjectivelevel,practicingthemtoanewlevelofskill,andthendroppingthembackdowntothesubjectiveview.HowtoPracticeBeginwithsimpleideas.Sitinyourfavoritecoffeeshopandreadabook.Whileyouarereading,seeyourselffromwithinyourowneyes,assubjectivelyaspossible.Whileyoucontinuetoread,seeyourselffromathirdpersonperspective,asobjectivelyaspossible.Thiswillbedifficultatfirst.Describeyourselffromthethirdpersonperspectiveinasmuchobjectivedetailaspossible.Imagineyouareaninvisiblealiensenttomonitorearthlings.Subjectis

wearingtanpants,aredshirtandisreadingabook.Thebookisbeingheldataseventy-three-degreeangle.Theyhaveacupofcoffeethreeinchesahead.Thecoffeeiscurrently92degreesandiscoolingatarateof1.5degreesperminute.Thenswitchbackintothesubjectiveviewandreadyourbook,andimmerseyourselfinthestory.Keepswitchingbackandforth.SimpleConversationsEnterasimpleconversationoflittlesignificance.Createaspecificobjective,andplantheconversationasobjectivelyasyoucan.Planwhatyouwillsay,trytoanticipatewhattheywillsay,andthenwhatyoumightsaywhentheysaythat.Thiswillbedifficult,sochoosesimpleconversations,likeorderingsomethingatafastfoodrestaurant.Imagineyouareanalienposingasahumanandyoucan'tblowyourcover.Whenyouareintheactualconversation,switchtosubjectivemode.Smileattheotherpersonwhenyouarespeaking.Holdeyecontact.Enjoytheinteraction.Feelwhateveremotionsarecalledup.Feeltheminthemomentasmuchasyoucan.Aftertheconversationhasfinished,switchbacktoobjectivemodeandtakenotes.Thiswillfeelstrange.Mostpeoplejustcruisealonginsubjectivemode,andonlygointoobjectivemodewhentheymust.Beingabletodothisatwillcangiveyouanextraordinaryamountofcontroloveryourdecision-makingprocess.Thinkofthislikeyouwouldexercise,orevenmartialarts.Developingthisskillwilltaketimeandpatience.Butthiswillbeameta-metaskillthatwillmakemanysubjectiveactivitiesmucheasierandmuchmoreenjoyable.Youwillgainalotofrationalcontrolofyourdecision-makingprocess.Considerdoingthiswithoneconversationperday,andcontinuetostretchhowlongandhowimportanttheconversationsare.Theeasieryoucandothis,planobjectivelyandthenenjoysubjectively,themorerewardingyourlovegeneratingskillswillbe.

MetaSkill-IncentiveManagementIncentivesarethereasonswedothings.Theincentiveforeatingisthatittastesgood,anditrelievesourhunger.Wehearaloudnoiseandwerunaway.Youcanthinkofallourinstinctsashard-wiringforcertainincentives.Thingshappeninsideoroutsideofus,andweautomaticallyrespond.Imagineifwehadtoremembertoeat,ordrink,orsleep,orusethetoilet.Meaningweneverfelttiredorhungryorthirstyortheurgetorelieveourselves.Wemightforget,andthenwe'ddie.Ifweneverfelthungry,wewouldonlyeatbecausewewantedtoenjoythepleasureoffood.Thismightbesomethingthatsoundswonderfultoday,butthinkofourancestors.Iftheyneverwerehungry,theywouldnevergohunting.Theywouldonlyeatiftheysawapieceofeasytopickfruitandtheyknewtheywouldenjoytheexperience.Ifancienthumansdidn'thaveanever-endinghungerintheirbellies,they(oranyotheranimal)wouldn'tlastverylong.Economicsspeakofincentivesintheabstract,butwhatitcanalsomeanistheprimalurgefordoingthings.Wehaveafeelingthatweneedtogo,andit'sanuncomfortablefeeling.Whenwerelieverourselves,itfeelsgood.Thismotivatesustocontinuetorelieveourselveswheneverweneedto,aswellasdrinkwaterorotherliquidwheneverwehaveanopportunity,sowecancontinuetoflushthetoxinsandwasteoutofoursystems.Sometimesmarketershaveincentivestoencouragepeopletobuythings.Incentiveisanythingthatmotivatesustodosomething.Andjustliketheobjective-subjectivespectrum,wecanseeincentivesalongasimilarlybinaryspectrum.Forincentives,thesecanbethoughtofasexternalandinternal.Weneedtobecarefulweknowwhatwearetalkingabout.Thesoundofalionroaringbehindusmakesusrunaway.Thatisanincentive,aninstinctivelyprogrammedone.Similarly,thefeelingoftheneedtorelieveourselvesisanincentive,alsoandinstinctivelyprogrammedone.However,oneistriggeredfromoutsideourbodies,(theroarofthelion)andtheotheristriggeredinsideourbodies(thedesiretorelieveourselves).Thisisnottheinside-outsidewearetalkingabout.Wewilldefineinternalorinsideincentivesareonesnotconsciouslychosenbyus.Thiscanmeananinstinct,likeonetoeatorsleeplate.Butitcanalsobeawhollyartificialincentive,likeifourbossisgoingtofireusifwearelatetowork.Wedidn'tchoosethetimetoshowup,ourbossdid.Theseareexternalincentives,thingsthatmotivateustoaction,butthethingsthatmotivateustoactionareoutofourcontrol.Wewilldefineinternal,orinternallychosenorself-chosenincentivesasoneschosenbyus.Forexample,ifyougetupanhourbeforeyouneedtoinordertoexercisebefore

goingtowork,thenthatisaninternalincentive.Ifyousleeplateandmissyourworkout,nobodywillknowbutyou.Ifyoumakeitahundreddaysinarow,andthatwasapersongoalthatyoudidn'tsharewithanybody,thatisagoalyouwillcelebrateonlywithyourself.Themoreyoucansetandadheretointernalincentives,andbelessdependentonexternalincentives(setbyotherpeopleorMotherNature)tokeepyoumotivated,thebetteroffyouwillbe.IfyouareeighteenanddecidetojointheMarines,youwillhaveplentyofincentivestowakeupontime.Placingyourselfinasituationwhereyouareforcedtofollowtherulesisnotmuchofanaccomplishment.Mostnormalhumans,whenplacedinamarinebarracksenvironment,willlearntowakeupearly.Therealtestofyourmotivationisyourabilitytosetandadheretointernallychosenincentives.LoveApplicationsRecallourancientancestors.Whentheyfellinlove,theyhadnochoicebuttonotbeincontactforlongperiodsoftime.Forthem,itwasnotachoice.Theywereconstrainedbytheirenvironment.Today,youmustsetupyourowninternalincentives.Creatingloveinanotherpersonwillrequirethatyougolongperiods(daysatatimeinthebeginning)whereyousimplycannotcontactthem.Butifyoufeeleventheslightestbitoffeelingsforthem(averyhighprobability)thenthiswillbedifficult.Youcanmakeiteasieronyourselfbygettinginthehabitofsettingandadheringtoyourownchosenincentives.Doingthingsthataredifficult,foryourownreasonsisaskillthatcanbestrengthenedwithpractice.StartSmallBeginwithsomethingsimple.Forsettinginternalincentivesthistendstofallintothecategoryof,"I'mjustnotlikethat,"formostpeople.It'scommontotryandfailatsettingandadheringtoyourowninternalincentives,onlytoconcludethatthisisoneofthosethingsthat"somepeoplecando"and"somepeoplecan't."Avoidthatthinking,becauseitisincorrect.Youcandefinitelybuildupyourskillofsettingandadheringtoyourinternallychosenincentives.Startsmall,andbuildup.Justlikeanyotherpracticethatyou'veneverdonebefore,ifyoustartsmallandbuildup,youwillstrengthenyourability.SuggestionsWakeupearlyinthemorning,tenminutesearlierthannormal.Ifyounormally

hitthesnoozebuttonsixtimes,tryhittinginonlyfivetimes.Don'tgetupjusttogetup,getupforapurpose.Writeinyourjournal.WatchacomedianonYouTubetoputyourselfinagoodmoodfortheday.Dofivesitups.Butdosomething,everymorning,thatonlyyouknowabout.AvoidCussingWhenbuildinglove,youwillneedtodeveloptheabilitytorestrainfromdoingsomethingthatyouwanttodo.So,it'sagoodideatostarttodayandbuildupyourrestrainingmuscle.Ifyouusealotofcursewords,stop.Oratleaststopduringaparticulartimeduringtheday.Chooseonehourwhenyouwon'tcuss.AvoidEatingDuringCertainTimesSetanupperlimitonwhenyouwillstopeating.ChoosetonoteatpastsevenPM,forexample.Chooseatimeandsticktoit.Donottellanybodywhatyouaredoingorwhy.JustusewhateverexcuseyoucantoavoideatingpastsevenPM.ManageTextingSincetextingisgoingtobethemosttemptingthingyouwillneedtocontrolwhencreatinglove,developingsomerock-solidtextingrulesforyourselfnow,beforeyoubegincreatingloveinotherswillbehelpful.Makearulethatyouwon'ttextanybodyback,regardlessofthemessage,unlessyouwaitatleastthirtyminutes.Rightnow,thismayseemlikeanimpossibility.Butwithalittleplanning,youcanfigureouthowtoplanaheadoftimesoyoucangothirtyminuteswithoutresponding.Ifthirtyminutesistoolong,startwithfiveminutesandworkyourwayup.Controllingyourtextingwillalsoserveasausefulfilter.Nottextinganybodywithinacertaintime,asarulethatyousharewithnobody,willdotwothings.Thepeoplethatalreadylikeyouwilllikeyouevenmore,sinceyouarenowslightlyscarcer.Thepeoplethatdon'treallylikeyouwilldropoffthemap,buttheyarenotthatimportant.Ifyouadheretoatimelimitbeforeyourespondtoanytexts,itwillworkwellinyourfavor.Startwithwhatevertimeiseasy,andslowlyincreaseit.Remember,youarebuildinguptheabilitytonotrespondtoatextfromaloverforhoursorevendays.Thismustbekeptsecret.Ifyoutellanybodythis,theywillthinkyouareextremelymanipulative.Butthisisaverypowerfultraittodevelop.Itwillmakeyouseemmuchscarcer,andthereforemuchmorein-demandtothosewhoaretrulyimportantinyour

life.Itwillalsotrainyoutomakesolidplansaheadoftime,andsticktothem,ratherthan"so-so"plansthatcanchangeonthefly.Thiswillmakeyoumuchmorevaluableintheeyesofothers.Somebodywhorespectsandplanstheirtime,notsomebodywhobendswiththewind.Thismaybethehardestthingyoudo,especiallyifyouareahighlysocialperson.Ifyouneedto,startwithoneminute.Donotreplytoanytextsuntilaminutehaspassed.Whenthisbecomeseasy,increasetotwominutes.Asyouslowlyincreasethetimebeforeyoureply,youwillstarttonaturallyplanahead.Boththeseskillswillhelplateronwhenyouarecreatingloveinothers.

SocialSkillsBuildingAnotherveryimportantmetaskilltodevelopisbeingabletoengageinsmalltalkwithstrangers.Thiscanbefrighteningformanypeople.However,wecanmakeitmuchlesssobyhowwethinkaboutit.Whenaboxertrainstofightinaboxingmatch,heorsheskipsrope.Themoreendurancetheyhave,thebetterofafightertheywillbe.Iftheyaretootiredtolifttheirarmstodefendthemselves,theywon'tbeanybetterthansomebodythatdoesn'tknowhowtofight.So,theypracticeconditioningasanmetaskill.Similarly,wecanthinkofsmalltalkassocialconditioning.Thinkingofitthiswaywillhelpeasethenormalfearpeoplehave.Whenwethinkaboutstartingaconversationwithastranger,weimagineexposingourselves.Weimaginetheworst-casescenario,ofrevealingourselvesandthengettingrejectedforwhoweare.Butwhenengaginginsmalltalk,youdon'tneedtorevealanythingaboutyourselfthatyoudon'twantto.Youdon'tneedtogetacceptedbythepersonyouarespeakingwith.Solongasyouseethisasonlyaconditioningexercise,andnotasa"pass-fail"situation,thereisnothingtofear.Infact,youwilllearnthatmostpeopleareactuallyprettyboring.Let'stakealookatwhywefeelanxietywhenthinkingofstartingaconversationwithastranger.WhatDoYouWant?Mostnormalpeopledon'tgoaroundstartingconversationsjusttobuilduptheirsocialskills.Thismeansthatallthetimesyou'vestartedaconversationwithsomebody,ortheyhavestartedaconversationwithyou,therehasbeenareason,anintention.Thismeanswhensomebodystartedaconversationwithyou,theyhadanintention,somethingtheywanted.Thislikelycameacrossasafeelingofimposition.Maybetheywantedyourphonenumber.Maybetheywantedtosellyousomething.Forallthesereasons,yourfeelingswereofbeingtherecipientofanunwantedrequest.Similarly,anytimeyou'vestartedaconversationinthepastwithanon-salesclerktypeofperson,youlikelyhadanintentionaswell.Andlikemostpeople,evenifyouhaveafifty-fiftysuccessrate(forwhateverreasonyouwerestartingrandomconversationswithstrangers)thisleavesyouwithafeelingofanxietyforstartingconversationswithstrangers.However,wearespecificallytalkingaboutinteractingwithstrangersnotforanyspecificpurposeotherthantopracticegeneralsocialskills.Thismeansyouwillhavenoulteriormotive,nothingyouwantfromthem.Justanykindofnormalhuman

exchange.Thiswillgiveyouanaltogetherdifferentexperience.StartSlowJustlikeaboxerskippingrope,whenyoustartyouwanttostartasslowlyaspossible.Youarenotdoingthistobecomemoreattractive,andyoucertainlyaren'tdoingthistofindtheloveofyourlife.Alwayskeepinmindtheropeskippingmetaphor.Boxersdon'tskipropebecausetheywanttowinthegoldmedalintheropeskippingeventatthenextOlympics.Theydon'tskipropebecausetheywanttobeafamousYouTuberope-skipper.Theyskipropebecausetheyknowitwillhelpthembox.Itwillenhancealltheirotherboxingskillsthataremuchmoretechnicalanddirected.So,buildupyourskillshoweveryoucan.Startaseasyasyoucan.Andaboveall,beasconsistentasyoucan.EyeContactThemostimportantthingistomaintaineyecontactwithothers.Formany,thisisaverydifficultthingtodo.Ifyoufindyourselfinthisposition,don'tworry.Manypeoplegetnervouswhenmakingeyecontactwithpeople.Justaimforthegoalofholdingeyecontactwithonepersonperday,wheretheylookawaybeforeyoudo.Onceyouachievethis,itwillfeellikeanemotionalvictory.Butbecareful.Don'tpushyourself.Whenanybodystartstoskiprope,itisverydifficult.Thesurewaytodestroyanyphysicalfitnessregimeistostarttoofast.Socialskillsasametaskillwill,likeeveryothermetaskillinthisguide,serveyoufarbeyondgettingpeopletofallinlovewithyou.Evenifyouarestillatthepointofonlywantingtointellectuallyunderstandtheloveprocess,makeapointtostartthesesocialskillexercises.KeepTrackIt'seasytotellyourselfyou'llrecordthetimesperdaythatyoumaintaineyecontactmentally,butitisveryeasytoforget.Tomakesureyoustayontarget,writedownyourresults.Putasmall"x"onyourcalendartoindicateyou'vemadeeyecontactwithonepersonthatday,andyouheldeyecontactuntiltheylookedawayfirst.Puttwox'sifyoudidittwice,andsoon.Butdoitatleastonceperday.Andkeepitatoneperdayuntilitissoeasyyoufindyourselfmakingeyecontactwithotherswithoutevenrealizingit.

Don'tPushYourselfYoumayalsofindyourselffeelinganinternalpushtosmile,orstartaconversation,orevenwanttogettoknowthepersonyouaremakingeyecontactwith.Ifthathappens,fine.Butbesuretounderstandthatthisisanexerciseinsocialskillsasametaskill,notanexerciseinmeetingpeople.ExpandSlowlyIt'sagoodideatounderstandthelimitsofyourowncomfortzone.Ifyoufindyourselfpushingyourselftoofaroutofyourcomfortzone,thatbehaviorwillnotbesustainable.Asmuchaswe'dliketobelievethatwecanchangebehaviorsquickly,itismuchmoredifficult.Thisisthecommonreasonbehindyo-yodiets.Shorttermmotivationusuallydiesoutrelativelyquickly.Thebestcourseistoonlygoslightlyoutsideofyourcomfortzone.Ifinthebeginning,holdingeyecontactwithpeopleuntiltheylookawaycausesaslightbitofanxiety,that'sfine.Startwithpeopleyouwouldfeelleastuncomfortablewithmakingeyecontact.Onceyouarecomfortablewiththosetypesofpeople,(salespeople,supermarketcheckers,etc.)thenmoveontootherpeople.Butonlygovery,veryslowly.HelpfulMindsetsOnethingthatwillhelpconsiderablyisthemindsetofatreasurehunter.Atfirst,thismaybedifficult.Buteventuallyyouwillgettothepointwhereyouaremakingsmalltalkwithstrangers.Thisisveryeasyandverynormal,evenifitnowterrifiesyou.Rememberbefore,wetalkedabouttheanxietybeingbecausewebothrememberedbeingapproached,andwerememberedapproachingotherswithsomethingthatwewanted?Whenyoutakeonthemindsetofatreasurehunter,theoppositewillhappen.Infact,youwillhaveaninterestingproblem.Youwillstarttalkingtopeople,andtheywillnotwanttoendtheconversation.Whenwewalkuptosomebody,andwewantsomethingfromthemforourownpurposes,thenaturalresponseistheyfeelonedgeorevendefensive.Butwiththemindsetofatreasurehunter,youareonlyseekinginformationforitsownsake.Youaren'tcomplimentingthemorwarmingthemupforasalespitchoradaterequest.Youcanevenkeepthemindsetofatreasurehunterwhenmakingeyecontact.Onceyoufindouthoweasyitis,youcanswitchtosmiling.Sincewecan'tcontrolthereactionsofotherpeople,youcan'texpecteverybodytosmileatyouback.Whensomebodydoessmileback,thinkofitasfindingtreasure.Yes,itsoundsgoofy.Butthiswillslowlyshiftyourmindtothinking

thatthereistreasureinotherpeople.Rightnow,thismightnotsoundlikeabigdeal,anditmightevensoundlikeasillywaytothinkaboutpeople.Butitwillsoonshiftyournon-verbalcommunication.Mostpeoplelookatotherpeople,andeitherwantsomethingfromthem,orwanttostayawayfromthem.Thismindsetwillslowlycultivatetheenergyof,"Iwonderwhatisinterestingaboutthatperson."Allpeoplecanbeeitherinterestingorboring,dependingonwhatframeofmindyouholdwhenyouinitiatecontactwiththem.Anyonepersoncanhavehundredsofinterestingstories.Butifyouonlylookatthemwitha"whatdoesthispersonwantfromme"mindset,youwillneverseetheminthatlight.Remember,thisisn'tatechniquetomeetpeopleorevenimpresspeople.Thisisjustaskilltopractice,tohelpyoushiftyourenergythatyoupresenttotheworld.Justlikeskippingropewillhelpboxersbox,havingsubconsciousenergyof,"Iwonderwhatisinterestingaboutthatperson"willbeveryhelpfulanduseful.Whenwesay"energy"wearereferringtothesumtotalofallyournon-verbalbodylanguage.Howyouholdyourself,yourfacialexpressions,themovementofyoureyeballs,everything.Humanshavebeencommunicatinglongbeforetheinventionoflanguage,andthereismuchmoretointerpersonalcommunicationthanthewordsweuse.Thinkoftheseexercisesasabaseuponwhichyourlovegeneratingskillswillrest.Muchlikethephysicalconditioningofaboxeristhebaseuponwhichhistechnicalfightingskillsrest.

CriteriaBuildingNowthatyouarestartingtoslowlyshiftfromanintellectualunderstandingofwhatloveisandhowithappens,weareslowlyshiftingintotheapplicationsarea.Onceyoustartpurposelyinteractingwithothers,evenwhenit'sjusteyecontact,it'stimetostartbuildingyourcriteria.Whileyoumayhavesomebodyinmind,it'susefultodothisexerciseanyway.Sinceyouaregoingtodeveloptheskillstocreatethefeelingofloveinanybodyyouchoose,youmayaswellchoosethebestpersonpossible!Criteriaissomethingthatmostpeoplethinkofsubconsciouslywhenwethinkaboutourlovepartners.Wethinkintermsof"mytype"or"notmytype."Considerelevatingthatuptotheconsciouslevelasmuchaspossible,soyoucangetaverygoodlookatexactlywhatyourtypeis.Whenitcomestoanycriteria,wecanthinkintermsofredflagsandgreenflags.Redflagsarethingsthatabsolutelymustnotbepresentinyourdreampartner.Greenflagsarethingsthatabsolutelymustbepresentinyourdreampartner.Everythingelseisamixofwould-like-to-have,andwould-like-to-not-have,ofvaryingstrengths.It'sveryimportanttonotcreatethislistinavacuum.It'sbesttocreatethisinconjunctionwithyoursocialskillsbuildingskillsfromthepreviouschapter.Mixingyourinteractionswithrealworldpeoplewillhelpyoubetetheredtorealitywhencomingupwithyourdreampartner(ifyoudon'talreadyhaveone).It'sdishearteningtospendalotoftimecomingupwiththeperfectideal,onlytofindthatpeoplelikethatinyourrealenvironmentarefewandfarbetween.Thiswhenweneedtomakesomecruciallyimportantpoints.Whileyouabsolutelycancreatelovewithinsomebody,(solongyoucangetthemtalkingtoyou)thereareafewthingsthatwillkeepthatfromhappening.Thebiggestobstacleyouwillfindisthatiftheyareinlovewithsomebodyelse.Thismeansweneedtobringupthedismalscience,theharshworldofeconomics.Whenyougoshoppingforfoodatyourlocalgrocerystore,youcanonlybuywhattheyhave.Evenifyouhavemillionsofdollarstospend,youcan'tbuywhattheydon'thave.Inthissimplemetaphor,yourabilitytogoshoppingwithamilliondollarsislikehavingtheskillstocreateloveinanybodyyoumeet.Buttheymustbeavailable,andyoumustbeabletomeetthem.Aswonderfulasitwouldbe,youcan’tconjureupapersonoutoftheetherandexpectthemtoshowupatyourhouse!Ifyoualreadyhavesomebodyinmind,andyouknowtheyareavailable,that'sfantastic.Butifyouwouldjustliketomakelovehappenandyoudon'tknowwithwho,thenyou'llneedtobuildupyourcriteriabasedonwhatisphysicallyavailable.Themetaphoricalshopping

examplewouldbelikegettingyourheartsetonPizzaonlytofindthereisnoingredientsintheonlystoreintowntomakepizza!It'smuchbettertodecidewhattoeatonceyouknowwhatisavailableinthesupermarket.It'smuchbettertosetyourcriteriaforyourfutureloverbasedonwhoisavailablefromwhereveryouwillbechoosingthemfrom.TreasureHuntingThisisanotherreasontoputonyourtreasurehuntingcapwhengoingouttopracticeyoursocialskills.Remember,thesocialskillsaren’ttomeetanybody,butit'sagreatwaytogetafeelforthekindofpersonyou'dliketomeet.It'slotmorefuntogooutmakingeyecontactwhenyou'realsothinkingofthepeoplearoundyouashaving,ornothavingthequalitiesofyourfuturelover.StartwithPhysicalWhileweoftensaythatlooksdon'tmatter,therearesomepeopleyouwillbephysicallyattractedtomorethanothers.That'sperfectlyfine.Youdon'tneedtoadmityourlisttoanybody,youcankeepitasprivateasyouwant.Considerbothredflagsandgreenflagswhenouthuntingaroundforromanticprototypes.(Don'tworry,youaren'tgoingtobeseducinganyofthesepeople!)Startasvagueasyoucan,andthenkeeprefiningitasyouinteractwithmorepeople.BestPersonalityTestOnefungametoplayisifyouaresomewherewherepeoplearestandingorsitting,andyouarelookingatsomebodyandtheyarekindofontheborderbetweenacceptabletoyourphysicalstandardsandnot,askyourselfthequestion:"Iftheyhadtheabsolutebestpersonality,wouldtheyqualifyasmylover?"Youcancomeupwithallkindsofcreativegamestoplaywithyourself.PersonalityCriteriaJustlikewithphysicalcriteria,youcanstartveryvaguelywiththis,andthenrefinewhenyoustartinteractingwithmoreandmorepeople.It'sveryimportanttogetagoodideaofthekindofpersonalityyou'dlikebeforeyoumeetthem,otherwiseaverycommonthingwillhappen.PaintingtheTargetAroundtheArrow

Whatnormallyhappens(remember,we"fall"inlove)islovejusthappens.Andbecauseitisourprimedirectiveashumanstomakemorehumans,whenwefeellove,especiallyunexpectedlove,wetendtoredefineourentirelivestosupportthatfeeling.Thismeansthatifwewilljustusetheirpersonality,theirlooks,andeverythingaboutthemasthe"perfectperson."Theproblemcomeswhenthatlovefeelingwearsoff,andyoudon'treallylikethemnearlyasmuchasyouthoughtyoudid.Inthedaysofhuntersandgatherers,whentherereallywasn'tmuchchoice(recallthatwelivedintribesofafewhundredpeople)thatinitialfeelingoflovewasenough.Butinmoderntimes,whenwearebombardedwithhundredsofstrangersonadailybasis,thatinitialfeelingoflovewon'tusuallybeenough,especiallyifithappensspontaneously.Consideratleastcomingupwithafewpersonalitycharacteristicsonyourlistofgreenflags.Asrelationshipsgrow,youwillneedtoberecreatingloveinyourpartneroften,andit'smucheasierifyouhavealotincommonwiththem.Ifyouhappentofallinlovewithsomebodywhoisn'treallyyourtype,butyoudothinktheyareyourtypelongenoughtofallinlove,oncethatinitialfeelingpasses,youmightnotbeinterestedinthemenoughtorecreateit.Considerchoosingsomebodywithenoughincommonwiththatyoucouldbegenuinelyfriendswithbeyondanyromanticfeelings.UseFriendsasAPersonalityTemplateAgoodwaytostartistousesomeofyourclosefriendsaspersonalitytemplates.Thiscangiveyouagoodbasetoworkfrom.Writedownspecificpersonalitytraitstheyhave,thatyouwouldalsoliketohaveinyourpartner.Senseofhumor,politicalandreligiousbeliefs,hobbies,intellectualpursuits,physicalhobbies.Allthesearegoodplacestostart.TheMorePeopleYouMeet-TheBetterThemorepeopleyouinteractwithandgettoknow,themoreyou'llgetanideaofthekindofpersonyou'dliketoendupwith,andthekindofpersonyouwouldrathernotendupwith.Youmayfindthatsomeredflags,ordealbreakers,arenotreallythatbad,andyoumayfindthatsomegreenflags,ormust-haves,arenotallthatimportant.Understandthatifyouarejuststartingfromscratch,thisisgoingtobealengthyprocess.Butdevelopingtheseskillsisalotoffun,especiallywhenyouareactivelydatingandgettingtoknowpeopleonamuchdeeperlevel.Thisbringsustoournextmetaskill,onefewpeopleknowexist,

andfewerstilleveruse.

DisqualificationThisisoneverypowerfulskillthatisalsoverysubtle.It'sextremelyvaluableinbothsalesandromanticrelationships.It'srelatedtothelawofscarcityandtotheideaofhavingboundaries.Tounderstandthepowerofdisqualifyingpeople,let'sfirsttakealookattheopposite.TheClingyTypeWeallknowsomebody(andprobablyhavebeenthatsomebody)whoissodesperateforthefriendshiporaffectionofthetargetthatanythingthetargetdoesisperfect.Ifyouareonadate,andyourdatealwayssays,"Idon'tknow,whatdoyouwanttodo?"Itcanbenice,butifthat'salltheydo,theythechancesofattractionlastingareverysmall.Nobodylikessomebodywhohaszerobackbone.Thesurestwaytokillanyattractionistoalwaysbeavailable,alwaysbetheshouldertocryon,andalwaysgoalongwithwhattheotherpersonwants.Thisisprettymuchthestereotypeofa"beta"typeofmalewhoalwaysendsinthefriendzone.Theoppositeissomebodywhoknowswhattheywant,andknowswhattheydon'twant.Onabroaderscalethisisthedifferencebetweenbeingassertive,anextremelyrareandattractivetrait,andbeingpassive,averycommonandunattractivetrait.Switchingfrombeingpassivetobeingassertiveisparadoxicallythemosteffectivechangewecanmakeinourlives,butit'salsothemostterrifying.Weareafraidthatifwestandupforourselves,ifwedrawtheproverbiallineinthesand,everybodyweknowwillrejectusandwe'llbeallalone.Theparadoxisthatwhilethisisourcommonfear,theoppositewillhappen.Calmlystatingwhatyouwon'tputupwithwillmakeyoumoreattractive.Thinkofitthisway.Whenwedon'tcarewhathappens,andarewillingtogoalongwithwhatevertheotherpersonwants,wearesimultaneouslygivingpeoplethemessagethatourneedsareunimportant.Ifwethinkourneedsareunimportant,thensowillthey!Andtheywillvalueisaccordingly.Byhavingsolidboundariesandasolidideaofwhatwedon'twant,wearedemonstratingthatwevalueourselves.Andifwevalueourselves,otherswillbemorelikelytovalueus.SalesTechniquesAverypowerfulbookthatmeritsreading,justforanon-relationshipversionof

thisidea,isHighProbabilitySellingbyJacquesWerth.Thestrategyissimple.Thereiszeropersuasioninvolved.Thestructureofa"highprobabilitysale"isapresentationoftheproduct,andthenasimplequestion:"Doyouwantthis,ornot?"It'sphraseddifferentlyindifferentsituations.Buttheunderlyingenergyis,"thisiswhatitis,takeitorleaveit,makesnodifferencetome."Thisremovesalldesperationfromthesale.Whenyouremovethedesperationfromthesale,theonusisonthepotentialbuyertomakethedecision.Theevendeeperimplicationisthatifthesellerdoesn'treallycarewhetherthecustomerbuysitornot,hemusthaveothercustomers.Itimpliesquitealotinitssimplicity.Whenyoucanpresentthissame"energy"intheromanticmarketplace,youwillbecomeextremelyattractivetoalotofpeople.InHighProbabilitySelling,muchoftheprocessisanimplieddisqualificationofthecustomer.Whichhastheinterestingresultofthecustomertryingtoqualifyhimselftotheseller.Mostsalespeopledoanythingtheycantogetasale.TheHighProbabilitySalespersonhastheverysubtle(andverypowerful)energyofrequiringthepotentialcustomerconvincethesalespersonthatthecustomerisqualifiedtomakethepurchase!PowerofDisqualificationMostseekersofromancewanderthedatingmarketwithanenergyofdesperation.Thiskillsattractionbeforeithasachancetostart.OnepowerfulmotivatingpowerforhumansissomethingcalledSocialProof.Ifyouseemdesperatetofindalover,theunderlyingmessageisthatyoudon'tcurrentlyhaveanybody.Thisissubtleandsubconscious.Butitalsohaszerosocialproof.Nobodywantssomebodywhonobodyelsewants!Butifyouhavestandards,andyouaren'tshyaboutexpressingthem,thisimplies(itdoesnotstate)thatyoudohaveoptions.Thisdoesimplysocialproof,whichwillincreaseattraction.Fromtheinsideout,it'sextremelyhardtodisqualifypotentiallovers,especiallyiftheyareinterestedinyou,ifyoudon'thaveanyotheroptions.Butifyoucanmanagetodothis,youwillsoonhaveplentyofcandidates.Thestrongeryouareatdisqualifyingnon-suitablecandidates,twothingswillhappen.Oneisyouwillhavemorepeopleinterestedinyou.Thiswillhappengradually,butitwillhappen.Everytimeyoudecidenottopursuearelationshipbecausetheotherpersondoesn'tmeetyourstandard,thiswillsignificantlyincreaseyourself-confidenceandself-worth,evenifyouneverexplaintoanybodywhatyoujustdid.Thisisnotsomethingthathappensbasedonwhatyousayordo.Youseesomebodythatisinterestedinyou.Youinteractwiththem,andthroughtheinteraction,youdecideforwhateverreasontheyarenotqualifiedtobewithyou.

Youdon'tmentionthis,youdon'ttellthem,youjustpolitelyexittheconversationortherelationship.Butbecauseyouwillbeprovingtoyourselfthatyoudeservemore,thiswillfundamentallychangeyoursubconsciousbehavior,howyoupresentyourselftotheworld.Thenetresultisthatthemorepeopleyoudisqualify,themoreattractiveyou'llbecome.Thesecondthingthatwillhappen(onceyoustarttoconsciouslydisqualifypeople)isthatyouwillbeattractinghigherandhigherqualitypeople.Ifyou'rejuststartingout,youaremightbehopingforanybodytodateyou.Butonceyoustartdisqualifyingpeople,especiallypeoplethatareinterestedinyou,youwillstarttobecomemoreattractive,andyou'llbeattractinghigherqualitypeople.Ofcourse,"higherquality"ispurelysubjective.Whenwesay,"higherquality"wejustmeanpeoplethatareabetterfitforyourownsubjectivelychosencriteria.Beingabletodisqualifysomebodydoesrequirethatyouhavesomecriteria.DisqualifyingasPracticeThisisstrangeandmayevenseemmean,butmakesureyoukeepthistoyourselfatalltimes.Afantasticwaytoquicklyincreaseyourrealself-confidenceandself-worthistodisqualifypeopleforrealreasons.Don'ttellthem,don'ttellyourfriends,don'tpurposelymisleadpeople.Justtalktopeoplelongenoughtofindsomeelementoftheirpersonalitythatyoudecidedoesnotpassyourtests.Avoiddisqualifyingpeoplebasedontheirphysicalappearances.Thisistooeasy(everybodydoesitallthetimeanyway)anditwon'tbuildanyskills.Butwhenyoutalktosomebodythatisphysicallyattractiveenough,andthenfindsomethingoutabouttheirpersonalitythatwoulddisqualifythemfromhavingaromanticrelationshipwithyou,thatwillbuildyourconfidence.Fromtheirperspective,theyshouldn'tfeellikeyouaretryingtoseducethem,orbuildthemupjusttocrushthem.Speaktothemasapotentialfrienduntilyoufindsomethingaboutthemthatwouldprecludeyoufromhavingarelationshipwiththem.Thisisabsolutelyaprivatementalexercise.Nobodyshouldknowyouaredoingthisexceptforyou.Butitwillaffectaslowandverysubtlechangetoyourdemeanor.Itwilleliminateanylatentdesperationyoumayhave(thatmanypeoplehavewithoutknowingit)andslowlyreplaceitwithapowerfulandattractivesubconsciousradiationofself-worth.Peoplewhoknowwhotheyare,andknowwhotheirtypearemoveandactwithamuchmoreattractiveenergythanpeoplewhowanderthestreetslookingforanybodywhowillbetheirfriend.Thinkoftheseexercisesasoneofyoursecretweaponsofseductionthatnobodyneedstoknowaboutexceptforyou.

Adultvs.ChildrenBeforewestartgettingintotheactualcommunicationstructureandtechniquesthatwillelicitthefeelingsofloveinyourchosentarget,thereisoneconceptweneedtobeclearon.Formostpeople,lovejusthappens.Ithappenswhenweleastexpectit.Ifyouareoneoftheluckyones,andhappentofallinlovewiththerightpersonattherighttime,nothingelsecancomeclosethatwillmakeyourlifeworthliving.Ascompellingasthatdreamis,andasrealisticasitseemstobeviaHollywoodmoviesofthepastfewdecades,wealsomustthinklikeeconomists.Mostpeoplewillnevergetsolucky.Mostpeopleendupwithsomebody"goodenough"anddotheirbesttomakeitwork.Anycouplethathasbeenmarriedmorethanacoupledecadeswilltellyouasuccessfulmarriageisnothinglikeinthemovies.Itiswork,itissacrifice,anditislotsandlotsofcompromise.Sure,theyhavefalleninlove,orhadasimilarexperience,butweareveryfarremovedfromthedaysofhunter-gathers.Weliveinamodernsocietywhereadualincomeisnotneededtoraiseafamily.Today,peoplerarelystaymarriedbecausetheyneedto,astheydidonlyafewdecadespreviously.Ascompellingasthemagicalromanticfantasyisoffallinginloveis,theprobabilityofithappeningisquitelow.Divorceisrampant.Aswonderfulasfallinginlovecanbe,divorce(fromthatsameperson)candestroyyouremotionalwell-beingandyourfinances.Donotfret,ontheothersideofthisideaissomethingthatfewpeoplerealizeexist.Aconceptthatisverypowerful,butrequiresyouleaveforeverbehindtheromanticfantasyoffallinginlove.Don'tworry,youwillstillenjoytheemotionalblissoffeelinginlove,andyouwillalsoparadoxicallyfeelitconnectedtothefeelingofuncertainty,whichmakesitevenbetter.Buttounderstandthatconcept,andhowitworksweneedtotalkaboutthetwoprimarymindsetsofhumanlife.ChildhoodMindsetThechildhoodmindsetiswhereyouhaveneeds,andsomebodyelsehastheresponsibilitytofulfillthoseneeds.Whenbabiesarelonely,theycry.Whentheyarehappy,theycry.Anyemotiontheyfeel,theysimplyexpressit,andsomebodyelsehastheresponsibilityofresponding.Fromthechild'syoungmind,thereisnoclearideaofwhothatotherentityis.Thereisonlyselfandother.Andfromtheyoungchild'smind,otherisall-powerful.Godlike.Thestrategyofthechildhoodmindsetistoexpressonesneeds,andthenwaitforthe

Godpresencetofulfillthoseneeds.Asyoumaylikelysuspect,thisstrategyforfulfillingonesneedssoundsstrangelyfamiliar.ItistheverysamestrategyweusewhenwegotochurchandofferupourpetitionstoourGod.Eveninancientsocietieswithancientgods,thestrategywasthesame.Welowlyhumanshaveneeds,andtheall-powerfulgodsareresponsibleforfulfillingtheseneeds.Youmayalsonoticeastartlingresemblancetohowwerunoursocieties.Manypeopleturntothegovernment,thehigherpower,tofulfilltheirneeds.Perhapsthisisjustacoincidence.Perhapstheentireuniverseisstructuredinacosmichierarchy,wherethehigherwegothemorepowerstherearehigherthanus.Orperhapswearestilltrappedinthechildhoodmindset,andwehavepurposelycreatedoursocietybecausethisstrategyisallweknow.However,remembertheideaofaninstinctmismatch.Howourancientinstinctsdon'tquiteresonatewithourmodernsociety.Hunger,love,allevolvedinsituationsmuchdifferentthanthoseinwhichwenowlive.Consideralsothetransitionfromchildhoodmindsettoadultmindsetbackinthedaysofhuntergathers.Whiletheydidhaveplentyofprimitivebeliefs,theyrealizedinaveryrealwaythatunlesstheytookresponsibilityfortheirlives,nobodyelsewould.Onceboysandgirlstransitionedtomenandwomen,thetribewouldnolongerallowthechildhoodmindsetofaskingandwaitingtoreceive.Whenyouwereachild,youdependedontheadults.Whenyouwereanadult,youtookcareofthechildren.Peopledidn’thavetheluxuryofdependingonthegovernment.Itwasverymuchtheruleof,"Ifyoudon'tkill,youdon'teat."Considerthisasanotherideathatwillrequireyourinnerdetermination.Waitingforlovetohappenmagicallylikeinthemoviesisaverychildhoodlikemindset.Unfortunately,mostphysicaladultstodayinmanywaysusethechildhoodstrategyofgettingtheirneedsmet.Politiciansgetelectedbypromisingthingstoussowedon'thavetoworryaboutthem.Weask,andhopetoreceive.Considermakingthedecisiontodiminishthisbehaviorasmuchasyoucan.Lovecanonlybecreatedfromaself-responsible,adultmindset.AdultMindsetAnadultlooksoutintotheworldandrealizesthatitisadangerousandtreacherousplace.Healsorealizesthatnobodyisgoingtogivehimanything.Herealizesthattogetwhatonewants,youhavetwobasicchoices.Oneistomakeitorgetityourself.Theotheristogetitfromsomebodyelse.Andwhenfiguringhowtogetitfromsomebodyelse,therearemanywaystogetit,whateveritis.Onewayistostealit.Thisisnotrecommended!Amuchbetterwayistofindoutwhatthatotherpersonwants,andarrangeatrade.Thisishowsocietiesare

built.Diversityoflaborandskillsisthebackboneofanysociety,primitiveandmodern.Peopledowhattheycan,andgetpaid.Thentheytakethatmoneyandbuywhattheywant.Itistheirresponsibilitytoincreasetheirskillstomakemoremoneysotheycanbuymoreofwhattheywant.Nearlyeverythingthatisproducedtodayinourhuge,globallyinterconnectedeconomyisproducedinfromthissimplestructure.Thisstructurebeganwhenhumansstoppedhuntingandstartedfarming.Farmingallowedlargergroupstolivetogether,whichallowedamuchbroadercollectionofskillsandthingsthatpeoplecouldmake.Themostimportantpointhereforusisthattheadultmindsetisoneofcreation,whilethechildhoodmindsetisoneofreceiving.Thefurtheryoucanplantyourselfintheadultmindset,theeasieritwillbetocreateloveinothers.AdultMindsetExercisesThemoreyoufeelincontrolofyourlife,thestrongeryouradultmindsetwillbe.Themoreyoufeeldependentonothers,themoreofachildhoodmindsetyou'llhold.Thisisatoughpilltoswallow.Politicianshaveconspiredforcenturiestoconvinceusofmanythingsthatareour"rights."Believingyouhavearighttosomethingremovesthefeelingresponsibilityandmakesyoudependentonthosewhoseobligationistoprovideyouwiththatright.Itisaverycleverdeception,onethatisnearlyimpossiblenottofallfor.Butthemoreyouassumeresponsibilityforeverythinginyourlife,themorefreedomyouwillfeelandtheeasieritwillbeforyoutocreateloveinothers.Startjournalingaboutallthethingsthatarerequiredforyourverysurvival.Therentpayment.Thebillpayments.Thefoodpayments.Healthcarecosts,allthestuffwedon'tliketothinkabout.Justthinkaboutthesethings,andcontemplatewayswhereyoucanfeelmoreincontrolandresponsibleforthesituation.Anysmallshiftsyoucanmakewhereyoufeellessdependentonothers.Thisisaveryslowprocess.Thisisaverypersonalandhighlyemotionalprocess.Themoreresponsibilityyouhaveoveryourdailylife,thebetteryouwillfeel.Thisissomethingyoushouldconsiderdoingeveniflearningaboutloveandhowtocreateitisstillonlyanintellectualexercise.Becomingmoreself-responsibleandlessdependentonotherswillhelpinmanyareasofyourlife.However,thereisoneamazingbenefittohavingtheadultmindsetthatthosewiththechildhoodmindsetwillneverenjoy.Onethatwillmakelovefeelevenbetterfromtheadultmindset.Anditisveryeasytocreate,andeveneasiertoenjoy.We'lllearnaboutthatnext.

GardenMetaphorWe'vetalkedbeforeabouthowwe"fall"inlove.Howitisanunexpectedthing.Theconcernformanywhencreatinglovefromscratchbyunderstandingthebiologicalunderpinningsofitsconstructionisthatitwillloseisluster.Butconsideragarden.Whenyoudecidetoplantagarden,youdosobyunderstandingthescienceofbotany.Youneedtoknowathingortwoaboutsoilcomposition,abouthowtokeeptheweedsfromgrowing,tomakesurepestsdon'toverrunit.Youneedtohaveanideaofwhatyouwantittolooklikeandplantflowersappropriately.Onceyouunderstandallthegoesintogardening,youcancreateanygardenyoulike.Beforewecompletethismetaphor,let'saskabiggerquestion.Whydobrightlyflowersseemsocompellingtoushumans?Whydobrightcolorsseemsocompelling?Ifyouwerewalkingdownadrabsidewalkandcameacrossanunexpectedandcolorfulgarden,especiallyawell-manicuredone,youwouldstopandenjoyit.Butfromapurelybiologicalstandpoint,whydosuchlushcolorsdrawourattention?It'stemptingtosaysomethinglike,"Well,becausehumanslikebeautifulthings!"Buthowdoesoursubconsciousmindknow,inaninstant,whatisbeautifulandwhatisnot?Wearehitwithtonsofdata,andthatdatagoesintoourbrainsandafeelingisgenerated,usuallyinlessthanasecond.Inthecaseofabeautifulgarden,whydowefeelsuchacompulsiontogazeandenjoy?Whatistheevolutionarybenefitfromthe"gazeandenjoy"responsetoacollectingofcolors?Considerit'sthesamereasonthatcertainfoodtastesgood.Afreshlykilledpieceofmeatroastedoveraflametastesgood.Apieceofbarkfromatreedoesnot.Thefreshlyroastedpieceofmeatgivesususefulfatandprotein.Theproteinhelpsuskeepourbodiesinshape,andthefatgivesusenergy.Thebark?Notsomuch!So,naturehasprogrammedustofeelgoodwhenwedothingsthatbenefitus.What'sthebenefitfromfeelingcompelledtolookatbrightlycoloredflowers?Considerthisidea.Supposethatintheancientlandscape,flowersrepresentedopportunity.Bothforfruit,thatwasdeliciousandtasty,andforwater.Bothwerepresentoftenwhentherewerebrightlycoloredflowers.So,theancientsthathadtheinstinctthatsaid,"Hey,let'sgocheckoutthoseprettyflowers,"moreoftenthannotstumbledacrosssweetfruitandplentyofwater.Bothveryusefulthingsbackintheharshdaysofhunter-gathers.Perhapsthisiswhywelovesuchcolorcombinations,thesamecombinationsyounggirlswearontheirfirstdate,orartistsuseintheirmasterpieces.What'sthepointofallthis?

Imagineyouwantedtoenjoythecolorfulcollectionofflowers,butyouthoughtthatifyoucreateditbyscienceyouwouldlosethebenefit.Thatyouforbidyourselffromenjoyinganyflowersunlessyoufoundthemnaturallyoccurringinthewild.Thatwouldbesilly!Plentyofpeoplelovetheirgardeninghobby.Theylovetokneelinthedirtandworkontheirgarden,knowingitwillproducebeautifulflowers.Theyseeandenjoythoseflowersjustasmuchasifthey'dseentheminthewild,perhapsevenmoreso.Anytimeyouseeanattractivepersonwearingcolorfulclothing,theyareleveragingtheancientinstinctofbeingdrawntocolors.Butcreatingloveinanotherpersonisnotlikeagarden!Infact,itismuch,muchbetterthanagarden.ReboundEffectIfyouplantyellowtulips,youwillgetyellowtulips.Whentheybloomtheywon'tbemuchdifferentthantheyellowtulipsyou'dimagined.Sure,theyarereal,andrealthingsarebetterthanwhatwecanimagine,butyouwon'tbesurprised.Theloveyoucreateinotherswillbeabilliontimesbetter.Atrilliontimesbetter.Why?Becausehumansareunpredictable.Evenpeoplewe'veknownourentirelivesareunpredictable.Andwhatwillhappenwhenyoutakethetimetocreateloveinsomebody?Theywillwanttopleaseyou.Pleasingyouwillbeveryimportanttothem.Thisiswhathappenswhenwefallinlovenaturally.Webehaveinwaysthatpusheachother'sbuttons.Weverymuchenjoymakingeachothersmile.Seeingtheobjectofyouraffectionsmileisadruglikenoother.Whenyoucreateloveinothers,theywillwanttomakeyousmile.Theywilltrytomakeyousmile.Theywilltrytomakeyoulaugh,andfeelhappy.Anditwillbecompletelyhonestandcongruent.Theywillwanttomakeyoulaughandsmileandtheywillwantittobeanaturallaughandanaturalsmile.Theywillbeveryinterestedinfindingoutthethingsaboutyouthatmakeyoulaughandsmile.Theywillactivelyseekyourpleasurebuttons,sotheycanpushthem,overandoverandover.Theywilldosoinwaysthatareimpossibletopredict.Themoreconsciouseffortyouputintocreatingthefeelingofloveinthem,throughpurescientificandbiologicalunderstandingofthehumanlove-instinct,themoretheywilleagerlyseektofindnewandnever-beforediscoveredwaystocontinuallypushyourpleasurebuttons.Thinkofamassagechair.Itispurelymechanical.Youadjustthesettingstodoexactlywhatyouwant,andexactlywhenyouwant.Whenyoucreateloveinanotherhuman,theywillbehaverandomly.Unexpectedly.Amassagechairhasnointention.Itisapieceofnon-thinkinginorganicequipment.Apersonthinksandhasintentions.Notonlywillthethingstheydopleaseyouinandofthemselves,

buttheywillbeabilliontimesmorepleasurablebecausetheirintentionistomakeyouhappy.Andguesswhat?Evenifyoustartoutlikeastone-coldscientist,creatingloveforyourownconsciousandwellplannedoutreasons,youwon'tbeabletoresistfallinglovewiththemasifithappenednaturallyanyway.Youwillconsciouslycreatewonderfulfeelingsinthem.Thiswillmotivatethemtotrytheirbesttounderstandyousotheycanpleaseyouandmakeyouhappy.Thisact,ontheirpart,willinspirerealfeelingsofloveinyouforthem.Tryasyoumay,stayasscientificandrationallymindedasyoucan,whenyoucreateloveinthem,bytheunstoppableforcesofhumannatureandtheloveenergythatbindsustogether,theywillcreateloveinyou.Theywon'tthinktheyarepurposelycreatinglove,thewillonlybehopingtomakeyousmile,tomakeyoufeelhappy,becausewhenyouarehappyandsmiling,theyarehappy.Theirbehavior,sinceitwillbehumanbehavior,willbeunpredictable.Andwhenyouhaveapersonthatpassesallyourcriteriaforaromantic,longtermrelationship,spontaneouslyandunpredictablydoingthingstomakeyouhappy,yourspontaneousandorganicloveforthemwillnotbefarbehind.Whentheysay,"Loveconquersall,"it'susuallymeanttosaythat,"whenyouhavelove,youdon'tneedanythingelse."Thismaybeincorrect.Loveconqueringallmaymeanthatwhenloveshowsup,stepaside,becauseeverythingelsetakesabackseat.Thisisanotherreasontobevery,verycarefulwhenchoosingwhomyouwillcreatelovein.Becauseloveisthemostviralofinfections,thatwillspreadthroughyourmindandbodyandsoul.Sure,nowyouthinkyoumaybeabletomaintainyourobjectivity.Yourrationalthinkingmind.Butwhenloveshowsup,beware.Youcanrun,butyoucan'thide.

MetaModelQuestionsNowwe'regettingtothegoodstuff.Weknowthatlovehasbiologicalorigins.We'vereverseengineeredthesituationsinwhichlovepopsupinitsnaturalhabitat.We'vealsogottenoveranyinternalissuesofnotlettingithappennaturally.We'vecoveredwhyevenifyoucreateitconsciouslyandscientifically,itwillstillhavethesameneteffectofunexpectedlove.We'vegoneovermanymetaphorsofnaturallyoccurringgoodthingsthatarejustasgoodwhentheyarecreatedscientifically,likegardens.Nowthetaskistostarttounderstandexactlyhowtocreateit.You'veseenaprettyflowergrowinginthepark,butyoucan'tpickflowersfromthepark.Youneedtolearnhowtogrowyourowngardenfilledwithprettyflowerssoyoucangazeuponthemwheneveryoulike.OurfirsttaskistolearnaverypowerfulcommunicationmethodfromNLP.Thisisaverycommontechnique,it'sknownbymostpeople.However,wewillbeusingitmuchdifferentlythanmostpeopleuseit.Mostpeopleuseitincorrectly,andasaresultitalmostalwayscreatesnegativefeelingsinothers.Wewillbeusingittocreatewonderfulfeelingsinothers,andcreatethemratherquickly.First,we'lllearnthebasicsofhowtouseitdevoidofanypurpose,thenwe'llstarttouseittopurposelyelicitpositivefeelingsfromothers.Thesepositivefeelingsinotherswillbetheseedsthatwilleventuallyblossomintoyourownprivatelovegarden.(OK,enoughwiththemetaphors!)MetaModelVerysimply,themetamodelintendstogetspecificinformationwherenoneispresented.Aroundus,theworldisaverychaoticandcomplexplace.Therearemillionsofbitsofinformationhittingoursenseseverysecond.Ourpoorbrainsmustsortthroughallofittofindoutwhat'simportant,andwhat'snotimportant.What'smore,sometimeswehavetorelateourexperiencestoothers.Sinceourbrainsarefilteringoutoverninetyninepercentofalltheinformation,wheneverwerecallanyexperienceandcommunicatethatexperiencetoafriend,thereisgoingtobealotofmissinginformation.Whentheysayapictureisworthathousandwords,theymeanthatliterally,andthensome.Takeapictureofalandscapeorabeautifulmodel.Whenyoulookatthatpicture,yougetacertainfeeling.Howmanywordswouldittaketorecreatethatsamefeeling?Atleastathousand,likelyalotmore.Andthat'sfromaveryskilledwriterwhoispoeticandcangetpeopletofeelwonderfulfeelingswiththeirwords.Mostofus

normalhumans,whentryingtodescribeabeautifulscenetoafriend,wouldsaysomethingabsolutelyunhelpfullike,"Dude,youshouldhaveseenit!Itwasawesome!"Thinkaboutthemostgorgeouspersonyou'veseeninrealliferecently.Andtrytodescribetheirbeautyinonlyafewconversationalwords.Anotherverycommonwayofdescribinghowutterlyinadequateourspokenlanguageisthecommon,"Wordsjustdon'tdoitjustice."DistortGeneralizeandDeleteTherearethreemainwaystotryandsummarizecomplexfeelingswithourclumsywords.Wedistort,makingthemseemdifferent.Wegeneralize,meaningweputthingsintocategorieswheneverpossible,andwedelete,meaningwejustplainleavethingsout.Wheneverweusethemetamodel,weintendtogetasspecificaswecanonanyparticulartopic.Butthiscanbeverydangerousifyouaren'tcareful.Mostofthetime,weareperfectlyfinespeakingingeneralizations.ImaginestandingnexttoacolleagueonaMondaymorningwhilethecoffeepotisfillingup.

"How'syourweekend?"Theyask."Prettygood,"yousay,smiling."Yeah?"Theyask,curious.Youlookupandsmilemore."Yeah,metagirl,"yousaylookingbacktothecoffeepot."Sweet,"theysay,nodding.Formostnormalhumans,thisisplentyofinformation.Ifyouturnedtothemandgaveatwo-hourplaybyplayofhowyouwentbar-hoppingonSaturdaynightandendedupajazzclubdowntownwhereyouconvincedthewaitresstositwithyouandthenwentbacktoherplacewithyourfriendsandherfriendsandendedupmeetingamutualfriendwhocameover,you'dbothbefired.Nobodywantsthatmuchinformation.Nobodywantstogiveoutthatinformation.Evenifthecolleagueaskedasimplequestionlikewhatcolorherhairwas,thatwouldseemveryodd.Youmightgetworriedandthinkshewashissisterorsomething.Generallyspeaking,mosthumandofinewithveryvagueinformationbackandforth.So,whenyoustartbyaskingforspecificinformation,youmustbevery,verycareful.Tobegin,let'slookatthisgeneralconversationalstructurebetweentwopeoplewhoareslowlygettingtoknoweachother.

ConversationalStructureInitiationThefirstthingistohaveareasonfortheconversation.Ifyouareasocialsettingwhereit'sappropriatetostartconversationswithstrangers(bars,nightclubs,parties,etc.)thenjuststartingaconversationforthesakeofgettingtoknowthemisfine.Ifthereisnospecificreasontohaveaconversation,likeyouaregoinguptothemcoldonthestreet,youwillhavetoeaseinveryslowly.SmallTalkOncetheconversationalbarrierisbroken,andyouandtheyareinthesameframe,thenextphaseissmalltalk.Yourname,theirname.Theweatherisaverysafetopic.It'sexternalandeverybodyagreesonwhatitis.It'snobody'sfaultsonobodyisgoingtobeworriedaboutgettingblamed.Othersafetopicsarethingsaboutyourselfandthemselvesthatareeasytotalkabout.Thesecanbesituational.DeeperSubjectsOncetheinitiationphaseandsmalltalkphaseareover,youarestartingtofeelmorecomfortablewithoneanother.Youare"vibing'onanunconsciouslevel.Youareinrapport(morelater)andarestartingtofeelsaferabouttalkingaboutdeepertopics.ExchangeInformationAtthispoint,thisiswheremostpeopleexchangeinformationandpartways.Whenlookedatfromapurelybiologicalstandpoint,thisisverysimilartowhentwodogsinteract.Theyapproachcautiously,theysniffaroundeachother,tomakesureneitherisathreat,andthentheydecidetobefriends.Thisprocessof"feelingeachotherout"iscommonamongmanysocialmammals.It'sonlydifferentwithushumansbecauseweusewordsandweusethosewordstobuildideasabouteachotherwhilewegothroughtheprocess.Totheextentthereisamutualattraction(foranyreason:romantic,friendship,business,mutualhatredoraffinityforapoliticianorsportsteam,etc.),wewillwanttomeetthemagain.Sofarthisistotallycommon,totallynormal,andithappenseverydayallovertheplanet.

NaturalFriendshipandLoveTotheextentthateachsuccessivemeetingfurthersthefriendship,orifromanticfeelingsdevelopbetweenthetwoandthestartaphysicalrelationship,thisisalsoverycommon.Alienswatchinghumanswouldseethishappenallovertheplanet,thousandsoftimeseveryday.Humansmeet,humansgettoknoweachother,andthroughsomemagicalprocess,morehumanskeeppoppingup.CurrentlyonplanetEarth,thereareabout4birthspersecond.Meetingpeople,fallinginlove,andmakingbabiesseemstobesomethingwehumansareprettygoodat!AcceleratedProcess

However,youwanttomakeithappen,nothopeforittohappen.Wewillbeusingthemetamodeltoasktargetedquestionsassoonasthesmalltalkisoverandafeelingofmutualcomfortdevelops.Whenmostpeopletalk,theysaythefirstthingsthatpopintotheirmind.Whenwehearsomethinginteresting,sometimesweaskafollowupquestion,sometimeswedon't.Wewilllearnhowtousethemetamodeltoasklasertargetedfollowupquestions.Thesequestionswillgettheotherpersongivinganswersthatmakethemfeelvery,verygood.We'llusethemetamodelasakindoftreasurehuntingdevice.Adevicetolookdeeplyintotheirmindandaskquestionsthatwillgetthemfeelingwonderfulfeelings,eitheraboutthingsthey'vedoneintheirpast,orevenbetter,thingstheywanttodointheirfuture.Thenwe'llbeusingsomeotherpowerfulcommunicationtechnologytocovertlyconnectthosewonderfulfeelingstous.Andthenwe'llbepurposelyspacingoutthosewonderfulfeelings,sothatitresonateswiththeidealloveincubationprocess.Thinkofthesemetamodelquestionslikeloveseedswewillbeplantingintheirmind.Tothem,itwillfeelwhollyorganicandnatural.Justlikereallove.Anditwillbe,justliketheflowersthatgrowinyourgardenarejustasbeautifulaswildflowersthatgrowinthemountains.

MetaModelSpecificsThetechnicaldetailsofthemetamodelitselfareactuallyprettysimple.Allyoudoisaskquestionstogetmorespecificinformationwhentheinformationpresentedisvague.Sincemostoftheinformationwehumansspitoutisvague,therealtricktousingthemetamodelisknowingwheretoaskformorespecificinformation.Aswegothroughthemetamodel,anditsapplicationsincreatinglove,learningspecificallywhentoaskmetamodelquestionsisthemostcrucialelement.ExamplesLet'sdiveintoabasicexample.Theexamplepresentedwon'tberealistic,theywon'tbequestionsanybodywouldactuallyaskanybody.Ourfirstpassthroughtheseexamplesistogetanideaofhowtousethemetamodel.Thenwe'llrefineourusetobeabletouseitinmoreappropriateways.VagueStatementIhadchickenfordinnerlastnight.MetaModelWarmupWhatisvagueaboutthatsentence?Quitealot.Wehavethepersontellingustheyhadchickenfordinnerthenightbefore.Ifweknowthem,ifwe'vebeenovertotheirplace,wecanmaybeimaginewhatkindofpicturethatwouldlooklike.Themeatingchickenattheirdiningroomtable.Butsupposewe'veneverbeentotheirhouse.Andwedon'tknowanythingaboutthen.Andjustforthesakeofthisnon-realisticexample,whatkindsofthingscouldweask?Whatkindofchicken(breast,leg,etc.)?Howwasitcooked?Howwasitseasoned?Whatdidyoueatitwith(utensils)?Whatdidyoueatitwith(sidedishes)?Whatdidyoudrink?Wheredidyoueatit(houseorrestaurant)?

Wheredidyoueatit(diningroomorinfrontofTV)?Whattimedidyoueat?Whattimedidyoufinish?Whattimedoyounormallyeat?Whattimedoyounormallyfinish?Howoftendoyoueatchicken?Wheredoyoubuyyourchickenfrom?Howmanytimes,onaverage,didyoucheweachbite?Howmanybitesdidyoutake?Didyouputyourutensildownbetweenbitesordoyouholdit?Didyouhaveaconversationwhenyouate?Doyouchewwithyourmouthopenorclosed?Rightoffthebat,wecanseethatnearlyallthemetamodelquestionswecouldaskareinappropriate.Evenifyouaskedthesequestionstoaclosefriendinjest,theywouldsoonbecomeveryupset.Beforewegofurther,let'sexplorewhy.ManyMammalsAreTerritorialThismaysoundlikeasillysidetrack,butconsiderthisideajustforalittlebit.Manymammalsareveryterritorial.Theymarktheirterritory,andgetangrywhenanotheranimalwandersintotheirterritory.Themovie"300"aboutthehistoricalbattleofThermopylae(thesmallnumberofGreeksvs.themuchlargerPersianArmy)wasessentiallyaboutterritoriality.Whilenotquiteafamouslineinthemovie,thestatueinGreecehasthewords,"ComeandTake,"inscribedinGreek.Thisisessentialadefenseofone’sterritory.Thestatement,"Comeandtake,"isadeclarationthatsays,"Thisismyterritory,ifyouwantmetoleave,you'regoingtohavetomakemeleave."Whyisthisimportant?Whenwehaveexperiences,theyareourexperiences.Theyareverypersonaltous.Andwhenwedescribethemtoothers,wearetheoneswhodecidehowmuchspecificitywewanttogive.So,whenwesaysomethingsimplelike,"Ihadchickenfordinnerlastnight,"wearedeciding,inthemoment,exactlyhowmuchinformationwewanttogiveaboutourexperience.Ifsomebodystartstoaskussillyquestionsabouthowmanytimeswechewed,wewillrespondbyfeelingthatit'snoneoftheirbusiness.Thisiswhypoliceinterrogationsaresofrightening.Weareputinapositionwherewemustdivulgethingsaboutourselves,ourthoughts,ourintentions,thatwe'dmuchratherkeepprivate.So,whenyoustarttoaskmetamodelquestions,bevery,verycareful.Onewrong

questionwillforeverputyouinacategoryintheirmindofsomebodythattheyspecificallydonotwantanythingtodowith.Whileyou'llsoonlearnwhythemetamodelistheeasiest,andmostpowerfulsetofcommunicationtoolsyou'lleverfind,theyarealsoextremelyeasytomisuse.Andonceyoumisusethem,it'salmostimpossibletogetbackintothegoodgracesofthepersonuponwhichyou'vejusttriedtopeekintotheirmindwhereyouarenotallowed.HowDoYouKnow?Thetrickwiththemetamodelisnothowtousethem,aswecanseeabove,it'seasytocomeupwithplentyofinterrogativequestionsthatputsomebodyelseonthespot.Therealskillinusingthemisknowingwhattoask,andknowinghowtoask.Forthis,youwillneedtodeveloptheskillto"readtheair"astheysayinJapan.Tounderstandtheenergybeneaththewordsbeingsaid.Toaskquestionsrequestingmoreinformationthattheywillwanttosharewithyou.Howdoyoudothat?It'sjustamatterofpayingattention.Whenwehumanssaythingsvaguely,andit'sclearwedon'ttoofferupanymoreinformation,it'sprettyobvious.Ontheotherhand,whenwearedescribingsomethingwereallylike,andthatwereallywanttotalkabout,butjustcan'tfindthewords,welovesomebodywhocanfigureouthowtohelpusdescribeitbyaskingustherightquestions.Usedincorrectly,themetamodelwillmakeyousoundlikeapoliceinterrogatortheywantnothingtodowith.Butusedcorrectly,theywillfeelhappierandhappierthemoreyoutalktothem,andcarefullygetthemtoexpandwhattheyaretalkingandthinkingabout.StartSmallThebestwayistoslowlymoveforward.Ifsomebodytoldyoutheyatechickenlastnight,andyoustartedfiringoffalistofquestionsliketheonelistedabove,theywouldrunaway.Thetrickistoaskvaguefollowupquestions,andalwaysbeonthelookoutforthingstheyseemtoliketalkingabout.Goaslowasyoupossiblycan.Imaginethattheirfacialexpressionsaretheonlywaytomoveforward.Solongastheyarehappyandexpressive,youareinagoodplace.Keepaskingquestionsthatgetthemhappyandexpressive.Iftheyhappinessandexpressivenessstartstodiminish,backupmentallyandtrytofindanotherconversationaldirection.Forsomepeople,thisisincrediblyeasyandthinkingaboutitinsuchconscioustermsisclumsyandgoofy.Butforothers,thisissomethingthatneedstobeunderstoodandpracticed.Peoplethatarenaturallypleasantandoutgoingdothiswithoutthinking.Forthemit'sinstinctive,to

alwaysbringouthappinessinothers.Theyjustnaturallyknowhowtotalktopeopletogetthemhappyandfeelinggood.Forothers,thisneedstobeunderstoodfirst,andthenslowlypracticeduntilitisintheplaceofunconsciouscompetence.Whereveryoulieonthespectrum,whetheryoudothisnaturallyandthisisthefirsttimeyou'veactuallythoughtaboutitinsuchrationalterms,oryoufeellikeyouhavelittletoofferconversationally,thiswillbetheessentialskilltobringoutgoodfeelingsinothers.Onceyouunderstandtheprocess,andyoucanpurposelybuildupgoodfeelingsincertainpeople,thenyouwillbeingoodshape.Youwillthenhaveatooltogetyourpartnerinagoodmoodwheneveryouneedtoorwantto.Later,we'lllearnhowtoamplifythosegoodmoodsandattachthemtoideasoryourself.Fornow,let'sfigureouthowtopracticethisskill.

MetaModelPracticeWe'llassumeyouarethemostconversationallyclumsyhumanonEarth,sowecanstartfromthebarebonebasicsonhowtouse,andmoreimportantly,howtonotusethemetamodel.Oneoftheproblemswithbeingahumaniswecan'treallylearnexceptthroughtrialanderror.Normally,thisisawonderfulwaytolearn.Wetrysomething,wemakeamistakeandgetabadorunexpectedresult.Thisgivesusabadfeeling.Thisbadfeelingforcestoevaluatewhatjusthappenedsowedon’tmakethemistakeagain.Inmoderntimes,wehavetrickedourselvesintothinkingthisbadfeelingthatweassociatewithfailureistobeavoidedatallcosts.However,itisthisbadfeeling,coupledwiththememoryofmessingupthatarethetwoprimeingredientsforlearning.Wehaveabadfeelingassociatedwithwhatwedidwrong,andthatmakesourmind-bodysystemworkovertime,runningovertheeventoverandoverinourmindsuntilwecomeupwithabetterwayofdoingit.Thiscommonandautomaticstrategyisanotherexampleoftheinstinctmismatchthatplaguesmodernhumans.Inthepast,makingmistakeswascrucialforlearning,andinmanycases,itstillis.However,ontherareoccasionwhereanun-correctableorlifealteringmistakeismade,(wecrashourcar,weruinaperfectlygoodrelationship,etc.)wecan'tturnthatpartofourbrainoff.Thatpartthatalwaysgoesoverthathorriblemistakeoverandoverwonderingwhatwecouldhavedonedifferently.Understandthatinsmalldoses,thatisawonderfulinstinct.That'stheveryinstinctthathastransformedhumansfromcavedwellingspearthrowerstomoderncivilianssustainingourselveswithmicrowavableburritos.Infact,thefounderofSony,AkioMorita,oncesaidthatifyouwantedtodoubleyoursuccessrate,allyouhadtodowastodoubleyourfailurerate.However,sincelearninghowtotalktopeopleisn'tsomethingwenormallythinkofaslearningbytrialanderror,atleastusingthemetamodelcorrectly,wemustcarefullyconstructthosetrialanderrorsituationssotheydon'tforeverruinus.Ifyoudecidedtostartwithyourfriendsbychargingaheadwithmetamodelquestions,youmightnothaveanyfriendsleft!OnlineForumsThebestwaytoseetheinstantandviciousresponsethewrongmetamodelquestionswillgetyou,signupforanyonlineforumthatdealswithtouchytopicslikereligionorpolitics.Pickasideandstarttousemetamodelquestionstoask

theopposition.Makesureyouuseafakeemailaddresssonobodytracksyoudown!Politicsandpoliticaldiscussionsareperfect.Onebecausemostofpoliticalbeliefsareveryvague,sotheyareripeformetamodelquestions.Politicalbeliefsarealsobeliefsthatwecloselyassociatewithouridentity,sobyaskingmetamodelquestionsregardingone’spoliticalbeliefs,youwillcertainlygetatasteofhownottoaskthem!Onlineforumsaboutanysocialissuethatisahottopicisperfect.Justbesuretonotgetpersonallyinvolved,whichisverydifficult,sobecareful.FriendsOnlineforumsareagreatwaytolearnhownottousethemetamodel.Yourfriendsareagoodplacetopracticepropermetamodelquestions.Thegeneralruleistoaskmetamodelquestionsaboutthingstheywanttotalkabout.Ifyouaren'tsure,askanopen-endedquestionthatwillelicitavagueanswer.Anothergoodruleofthumbiswhenaskinganymetamodelquestion,don'tlookatthemdirectly.Physicallylookofftotheirside,andactasifyouaretryingtorecreateanimagebasedonwhattheyaresaying.Iftheyaretalkingaboutsomethingtheyenjoytalkingabout,thisshouldbeeasyforthem.Alwayskeepyourexpressionopenandexcited.Don'tdoanythinglikefurrowyourbrow,crossyourarmsandfacethemwhileyousay,"Whatdoyoumean,exactly?"Instead,sitorleanback,openyourbodylanguageandlooktotheside,asifyouareinvitingthemtohelpdescribethehallucinationyouaretryingtosee.Herearesomeexamples.Isawthisreallycoolmovietheothernight.Yeah?(smiling,hopeful).Whatwasitabout?Theseguysonaspaceshipwerechasingtheseotherguys.Spaceship?(Turningtotheside,tryingtoimagineit.)Likehowbigwasthespaceship?Notsobig,onlythreepeople.(Noddingyourhead,stillturningofftotheside).Didtheyhaveanyweapons?No,thatwasthething!(moreexcited).

(Eyeswider,lookingattheimaginarypictureoffinspace)Noweapons?Didtheguystheywerechasinghaveanyweapons?Yeah,dude,that'sthething!Iftheyknewtheywerebeingchasedtheywouldhaveblownthemtobits!Whoa!(Eyesbigger,imaginingbeinginaspaceshipchasinganotherspaceshipwithnoweapons).So,theyhadtolikesneakuponthem!Yeah,dude,that'sit!Don'ttellmeanymore,justtellmethename!Where'dyouseeit?TwoMainIdeasTherearetwomainideastokeepinmindwhenpracticingthesetechniqueswithyourfriends.Oneisthatwhenmostpeopletalktoothers,theychooseoneoftwostrategies.Themostcommononeistojustdoallthetalking.Thisendsupwitheverybodyinaconversationwithsomebodyelse,nobodyreallylistening,justwaitingfortheirturntotalk.Thesecondmostcommonstrategyisthatwhenwedolistentoothers,wetendtoputtheburdenonthemtoentertainus.Atthesametime,veryfewpeoplearenearlyasdescriptiveasthey'dliketobe.Wewatchmovieswherecharactersgiverivetingdescriptionsandtellbeautifulstoriestotheirfriends.Butinreallife,wesaythingslike,"Yeah,thatmoviewasprettycool."PayattentiontothisnexttimeyouwatchanythingonTVoranystreamingchannels.Normal,everydaypeopleonTVtendtobemuchmoredescriptivethanweareinreallife.ConsideryourjobasanadvancedmetamodelusertocarefullyandcovertlyhelpthembecomeasexpressiveasthosecharactersonTV.TocarefullyelicitthosethingsintheirmindtheywishtheycoulddescribeasartfullyasmovieandTVcharacters(whoaresayinglineswrittenbyprofessionalwritersunderthedirectionofprofessionaldirectorsandwhohavepracticedthosesamelinesoverandoverandover!)TreasureHunterSeeitasyourgoaltofindthosethingstheywouldlovetotalkabout,andhelpthemtalkaboutthemasexpressivelyastheywouldlike.Thisisaverysubtle,andverysubjectiveskill.Itdependsonwatchingthemcarefullywhentheyspeak,andpayingcloseattentiontonotonlytheirfacialexpressions,buthow

theysaycertainwordsandphrases.Thereisatonofinformationavailabletoanybody.Butmostofusaresoconcernedwithwhatwearegoingtosaywhenit'sourturn,thatwedon'tpaymuchattentiontoanythingotherthanthevaguefeelingsandmeaningofwhatothersaresaying.However,theabilitytoslowlyandcarefullyteaseouttheirinnerdescriptivespeaker,whentalkingaboutthingstheyarepassionateabout,willbevery,verypowerful.Notonlywillthisskillgiveyoutheabilitytofireupfeelingsinnearlyanybody(includingofcourseanyloveinterests)butitwillalsohelpyoumakeatonofmoney.Jobinterviews,salesconversations,anythingwhereanykindofpersuasionisnecessarywillbeeasyonceyoudeveloptheseskills.StartSlowIfyou'venevereventhoughtalongtheselines,considerjustplayingtheobserverforawhile.Watchyourfriendstalk,andbeasilenttreasurehunter.Lookforanywordsorphrasesthattheysaywithextraenthusiasm.Lookattheirfacialexpressions,gesturesandoverallenergywhentheyspeak.Onceyougetoutofyourheadandstarttoobserveotherswithyourfullmind,thesethingsareprettyobvious.Onceyoucanclearlyseethedifferencebetweenthethingstheywanttotalkaboutandthethingstheydon'twanttotalkabout,moveuptothenextlevel.RepeatWordsandPhrasesOnceyou'vefoundthosegoldennuggets,thetopicsandideastheyenjoytalkingabout,justrepeatthemwithatonethatsays,"Thatsoundscool!Tellmemore!"Chancesaretheywill.Intheaboveexample,thefirstgoldennuggetwasthephrase,"spaceship."Justrepeatthewordstheysaid,andbeasopenandinterestedasyoupossiblycan.AskingforMoreDetailRemember,you'rehelpingthembecomethatextroverted,descriptivespeakerthatactorspretendtobeinthemovies.Eventuallytheywon'tbeabletodescribewhattheywantto,soyou'llneedtohelpthem.Agreatfallbackpositionistoshiftyourfocus,andstartaskingquestionsasifyouaretryingtoseewhattheyaredescribing.EitherorQuestions

Iftheyarehavingtrouble,askingeither-orquestionsisagreatwaytogo.Justchooseoneextremeortheother,andaskanopen-endedquestion,"isitmoreXormoreY,"whereXandYaretwoendsofanextreme.ProperRapportisEssentialRapport,andtheproperkindrapportforthisinitialmetamodelquestioningisanotherverysubtlebutveryimportantpartofthispowerfulskill.We'lldiscussthatindetailnext.

Non-JudgmentalRapportRapportisessentialforallhumancommunicationthatisn'tcoercive.Rapportisacommonidea,andit'soneofthosethingsthateverybodyseemstoknowabout.However,thewayit'scommonlyreferredtoisanindicationthatalthoughsimple,itiswidelymisunderstood.Mostofthetime,salespeopleandtherapistsbelievethatthewordsarethecauseofarapport.Asalespersonstartstochitchatwithyouaboutcommoninterestsandbelieveshe'sbuildingrapport.Butthewordsexchangedarenotthecauseoftherapport,theyaretheeffect.Thisisaverysubtle,butveryimportantpoint.Itisentirelypossible,andrelativelyeasytobuildstrongrapportwithsomeonewithwhomdon'tshareacommonlanguage.Humansandchimpssplitofffromacommonancestoroversixmillionyearsago.Currently,humansandchimpsshare98%ofourDNA,despitethathumansandchimpshavebeenevolvingseparatelyforsixmillionyears.Humansonlydevelopedspokenlanguagetwohundredthousandyearsago.Ifwordsarethecauseofrapport,howdidwecreaterapportwithoneanotherbeforelanguagewasinvented?Ifwordsarethecauseofrapport,howdochimpssensewhetherastrangechimpisafriendlychimporanenemy?Thetruthaboutrapportisthatitisverynaturalandinstinctive,onlywhenwetryandthinkaboutitdowemessitup.However,thereisanothercommonalitybetweenusandchimpsthatisessentialtounderstand.Chimps,aswellasushumanprimates,arehierarchical.Studiesofchimpshaveshownthatthereisastrongcorrelationbetweensocialstatusandsex.Meaningthateverygenerationofnewchimpsismadefromthehighsocialstatuschimpsfromthepreviousgeneration.Studyafterstudyshowsthatwhenhumansareputtogether,wealwaysself-organizeinahierarchy.Thishappensquickly,unconsciously.Nobodyneedstohaveavotetoseewhothe"leader"is.Whilethisisaninterestingplotelementinstoriesofpeoplestrandedonislands,it'sveryrarelythatpeoplethinkaboutthis.It'ssomethingthathappensspontaneously.Wheneverthereisagroupofstrangers,andthereisanyunexpecteddanger,orevenpotentialdanger,thefirstinstinctistolookaroundtoseeifanybodyisincharge.Evenwhensocialscientistscarefullyconstructexperimentsbyputtingseveral"alphatypes"inoneenvironment,theself-organizedhierarchicalsortingprocessisnotnearlyasdramaticasportrayedinthemovies.Whatdoesthismeanforcreatingrapport?Whenevertwopeoplearetalkingorinteractingforthefirsttime,thereisalwayspartofusthatistryingtodeterminewhoishigherorloweronthesocialstatusladder.Thisisverysubtle,butitisalwayspresent.Oftenthereisapre-setstructure,likeastaffmember

whoistrainedtotakethelowerpositioninordertobetterservethecustomer.Butmostpeoplethatyouinteractwith,unlessyouareinthehabitofstartingconversationswithstrangersonthestreet,haveapre-definedplaceonthesocialstatusladder.Companiesarehighlystructuredaccordingtosocialstatus.Ofcourse,whenweday"socialstatus,"wemeanthedeeplyinstinctiverelativepositionofpeoplethatarepresent.Wearen'treferringtoothersocialstatussymbolsthatareconsciouslyrecognized.Thisisaverydeep,ancient,andever-presentenergythatexistsbetweenhumans.Toseethisinaction,takeabackseatandbetheobservernexttimeyouarehangingoutwithyourfriends.Therewillalwaysbeafluxofsocialstatuscompetition.Evenwhenthereisaconsciousattempttomakeeverybody"equal,"itisusuallyverytemporary.AsinGeorgeOrwell'sAnimalFarm,evenwheneverybodyistryingtobeequal,somepeoplearemoreequalthanothers.SalesRapportSalespeoplearetaughttofirstcreaterapport.Theydosobymirroringandmatchingbodylanguage.Oncerapporthasbeenestablishedandverified,theyswitchtoleadingrapport.Meaningthesalespersonmovestheirpositionslightlyandverifiedthatthecustomerfollowsthem.Forsalespeople,thisisessential.Thesalespersonleading,andthecustomerfollowingisanindicationoftheirrespectivelevelsonthesocialstatusladder.Thoselowerfollowthosehigher.Thosehigherleadthoselower.Forsalespeople,thisiscrucial,astheyareeventuallygoingtoinstructthecustomertobuytheproduct.Themoredominanttheyare,themorelikelythecustomerwillbuy.Allthiscanhappenunderafeelingofstrongfriendship.Theideaofdominantandsubmissivesocialstatusisverysubtle.Ifthesalespersonishighlyskilled,thecustomerwillfeelabsolutelynaturalinfollowinghisorhersuggestions.Butthereisanelementherethatwillnotbepresentwhenyouarecreatingemotionallove.Whenasalespersonandcustomeraredoingtheirrapportdance,bothofthemrealizeitisonlyshortterm.It'saloteasiertocreateleadingrapport,anditisaloteasiertofallintofollowingrapportifyouknowitisforaspecificpurpose.Whenacustomerwalksintoashop,partofthemactuallywantstobuytheproduct.Partofthemhasobjections,sothesalespersoncanbeseentohelpthemovercomethoseobjections.Inthatregard,it'sverymuchlikeatherapysession.Thepatienthassomethingtheywant,butsomethingisintheway.Thetherapistcreatesleadingrapport,andguidesthepatienttoovercometheirobjections.Bothsalesandtherapyfollowthesamecommunicationstructure.Thepatientorcustomercomesinwithapre-existingmindsetthatthey'llslipintoafollowingrapport,

andhopefullybeledbyahelpfulsalespersonortherapisttogetovertheirinternalobjectionsandachievetheirobjectives.Bothsituationsareshortlived.Nopatientexpectstobefriendswiththeirtherapist,nomatterhowfriendlyandemotionallyopentheconversationsare.Nocustomerexpectstobefriendswithasalesperson,nomatterhowfriendlyandfinanciallyopentheconversationis.Bothgoinreadytakeontheirpre-setroles,andeverybody(customer,patient,therapist,salesperson)allhopethattheissueisresolvedquicklyandtoeverybody'ssatisfaction.LoveRapportLoverapportismuchlonger.Itmustbenatural,sinceit'sgoingtolastalong,longtime.Nobody(exceptforyouwhowillbeengineeringthewholeprocess)knowswhat'shappening.Nobodydecidestofallinlove.Nobodymeetsastrangerhopingthey'llfallinlove.Yetwhenevertwohumansmeet,thatancientsocialstatusbattlewillalwaysbepresent.Knowingthisisthereisveryhelpful,butitisonlyafirststep.Youmustbeverycarefultobeabletomeasurewhereyouarewithrespecttoyourtarget(leaderorfollower)andbeabletoshiftbackandforthwhenneeded.Thisisaverycarefulandsubtledance,butitissomethingyoumustlearntorecognizeandcontroltobemosteffectiveinyourlovecreatingskills.MeasureFirstThemoreyouareinrapport,themoreyourbodylanguagewillbematched.Whilewordsarealwaysalaggingindicatorofrapport(rapportcomesfirst,andthewordsindicatingrapportcomelater),bodylanguagematchingcancreaterapport,andrapportcancreatebodylanguagematching.Theybothfolloweachother.Youcanuseyourbodytocreaterapport,oryoucanquicklycheckitifyou'veforgottenallaboutrapport(whichisveryeasy).KnowWhenYou'reFollowingWhenaskingmetamodelquestionstobringouttherepositive,energy,alwaysdosoinafollowingposition,especiallyifyou'vejustmetthem.Thelongeryou'vebeentogether,thelessitwillmatter,butwhenyouareinyourfirstseveralconversations,alwaysbeslightlyfollowingwhenaskingthemmetamodelquestionstogetthemtalkingmoreaboutwhattheylike.Ahelpfulmindsetistoimagineyouareachildatthelibraryduringstorytime.Youare

sittingonthefloorwithalltheotherkids,andtheolderlibrarianisreadingyouastory.Butsheonlyreadsalittlebitatatime,andyou'vegottokeepaskingquestionstofindoutwhathappensnext.Thiswillalmostguaranteethatyourtargetfeelsopenandexcitedtotellyoumoreaboutwhateveryouareasking.KnowWhenYou'reLeadingIt'sverycommonforcouplestogetstuckinthe,"Idon'tknow,whatdoyouwanttodo?"trap.Partoftheresponsibilitythatcomeswithconsciouslycreatingloveisalwaysknowingwhentolead,andalwaysknowingwhentofollow.Meaningyou'vegottoreadyourpartner(orpotentialfuturepartner)andknowwhentotakethelead,evenifit'sduringaconversation,andwhentoshiftintofollowingposition.RuleofThumbAgoodruleofthumbiswheneveryouaskmetamodelquestions(eventonon-lovetargets)alwaysshiftintofollowerposition.Ifyoumakeamistakeandaskametamodelquestionwithevenahintofaleader,itmaycomeacrossasaninterrogation.Wheneveraskingametamodelquestiontogetmoreinformation,alwaysputyourselfinthechild-at-the-librarymindset.Youareinterestedinwhattheyhavetosay,onlybecauseitsoundsfascinating,andyouwanttoknowmore.EffectonYourListenerThismaysoundoverlycumbersomeandwaytoanalytical,butkeepinmindtheoutcomethiswillhave.Humansarekeenlyinterestedinpeoplethataregenuinelyinterestedinus.Ifyouaregenuinelyinterestedinwhattheyhavetosay,andyouasktargetedmetamodelquestionsthatleadthemtomorefeelingsofpleasure,itwillvirtuallyguaranteetheywilldevelopattractionforyou.Equallyasimportantisknowingwhentoshiftfromfollowerpositiontoleaderposition.Thisgenerallyhappenswhentheyrunoutofthingstosay,andarejustcontenttolookatyouandlistentoyoutalk.Alwaysbereadytoleadtheconversationwhentheyarereadytohandoverthereins.

SwitchingTopicsThebestdateshappenwhenyoujusttalkandtalkandtalk.Thebestpostcoitalexperienceshappenwhenyoutalkandtalkandtalk.Evenwithsamesexfriends,talkingendlesslyisagoodfeeling.Thisnormallyhappensspontaneouslyandrarely.Luckily,wearesoongoingtounderstandhowthishappens,soyoucancreatethatsamefree-flowing"inthemoment"feelingwithanybodyyoulike.LoveandFriendshipWhenlovehappens,it'sbecausewespontaneouslyhiteachother'slovepleasurebuttons.Theobjectofouraffectionbehavesinawaythathitsourpleasurebuttons,whichmakesusbehaveinawaythathitstheirpleasurebuttons.Ifthishappensspontaneously,it'soneofthebestfeelingsintheworld.Asimilarthinghappenstofriendsthatyou"click"with.Youaskthemgenuinequestionsbasedongenuineinterests.Thisgetsthemtalkingaboutthingstheyarepassionateabout.Thosethingstheyarepassionateaboutremindsyouofcertainthingsthatyouarepassionateabout.Thesamestructurebetweenfriendsisthesamestructureoffallinginlove.Youspeakinawaythatignitestheotherperson'sdesiretospeak.Theyspeakinaway,andaboutthings,thatigniteadesireinyoutospeak.Thisisusuallyprettyrare.Mostofthetime,evenbestfriendshaveconversationswithoutsayingmuch."Seethatmovie,aboutthething?""Thatonewiththechick?""Yeah,thatonechick.""Yeah,man,she'shot.""Moviesuckedthough.""Yeah,suredid.""Yep."Whenwemeetpeoplethatwedon'tseemto"vibe"with,thereason,orthethingwearedescribingisthatalltheconversationsareliketheabove.Nomatterhardeitherofustry,wecan’tfindanytopicthatsparksanaturallyfree-freeflowing,backandforthconversation.Ifthisdoesn'thappensooninanyrelationship,beitafriend,loverorcoworker,itusuallyneverwill.Infact,thisistheprimaryseasonalcoholisconsideredasociallubricant,andisalwayspresentwhenever

peoplegettogethersocially.Ithelpspeoplerelaxandopenup,whichleadstomorechancesofthatspontaneous,backandforthconversationhappening.HowtoEngineerItHowever,onceyouunderstandthemetamodelprocess,aswellastheabilitytonoticethedifferencebetweenleadingandfollowingrapport,you'lleasilybeablecreatethatconversationalsparkatwill.It'snotquiteenoughtosay,"beinterestedinothers."Wemustunderstandhowtoasktherightquestionsthatelicitthoselongandspontaneousanswers,whilelearningafewmoretoolstokeeptheconversationgoingaslongaspossible.Wedon'twanttoletthemdoallthetalking.BackandForthWhenithappensspontaneously,theytalk,whichremindsyouofsomething,youtalk,whichremindsthemofsomething,andtheytalk,andsoon.Kindoflikeatennismatch.Therallydieswhenbothpartiesrunoutofthingstosay.Butaskilledconversationalistcankeeptherallygoingindefinitely.Startoffbyaskingsimplequestions,justlikeyounormallywould.Anyquestionsbasedontheenvironment,thereasonfortheconversation,theparty,whatever.Thenaskfurtherquestionsbasedontheirresponses.Continueaskingmetamodelquestionsfromafollowing(librarystorytime)mindset.Oncetheystartgivingalonganddetailedanswer,you'llneedtodotwothingsatonce.Oneisyou'llneedtopaycloseattentiontotheiranswer.Anytimetheytalkaboutcontentwheretheystruggletodescribeexactlyhowtheyfeelaboutit,thisistheperfecttimeformoremetamodelquestions.Lookofftotheside,actlikeakidatthelibrarytryingtoimaginethestory,andaskquestionstogetacleareranswer.Butyoualsoneedtopaycloseattentiontowhentheyarestartingtorunoutofsteam.Oncethisstartstohappen,youneedtostarttalkingaboutsomethingsimilar,withanequalamountofenthusiasm.Thisisdefinitelyaskillthatwillrequirepractice.It'ssomethingmostpeoplenevergivemuchthoughtto.Theyjustassumethatitsometimeshappens,andsometimesdoesn't.Iftheyfeelcompelledtotalkaboutsomething,theytalkaboutit.Butthisisaskillyoucanpractice.Onceyoucomeupwithatopicthattheiranswerremindedyouof,starttalking,anddon'tbeshywithyourcharisma.Makesureyourfacialexpressionsandgesturesareopenandasenthusiasticaspossible.Considerthisasbothgivingthemagoodfeeling,aswealllovetowatchacharismaticspeakercommunicate,butit'salsogivingthemanexampleofhowtheycancommunicateaswell.The

moreopenandenthusiasticyouallowyourselftobe,themorequicklyandlikelythey'llspontaneouslycomeupwithadifferentconversationaltopic.You,ofcourse,canseethisintheirface,andhelpthemtogettalkinganddescribeitbyshiftingbackintoyourfollowingmetamodelmindset.LotsofWork!

Onewaytodetermineiftheyarerightforyouforaromanticrelationshipistoseehowmucheffortyouneedtoputintotheconversationtokeepitgoing.Ifyoufindthatyou'reputtinginalotofeffort,butaren'tgettingmuchreturn,thenconsiderdisqualifyingthemforaromanticrelationship.Commoncriteriaformanypeoplewhensortingforidealrelationshippartnersisthattheycancarrytheirfairshareoftheconversation.Thisiscompletelyuptoyou.Youmaylikethequietshytypethatonlyyoucangettoopenup.Inwhichcaseyoumightnotmindatalldoingalltheheavyliftingintheearlyconversations.Oneofthebenefitsofshoulderingmostoftheconversationalworkisthatbecausefewpeopleknowhowtodothisconsciously,youwillbeseenbythem(thequiet,shytype)astheonlypersonwhoreallygetsthem.Andyouwill.Manypeoplearewonderfulontheinside,butittakessomeconversationaltreasurehuntingtofindthosewonderfulinsides.Andwhenyoudo,theywillseeyouasdifferentthaneveryotherhumanonEarth.Thiscanbeyoursecretweaponinbreakingthroughthequietexteriorofmanyintrovertswhoarefantasticpeoplethatjustdon'twanttobotheradvertisingtheirfantastic-ness.Beingquietontheoutsidemaybetheirownuniquequalifyingstrategy,toonlygetclosetothosewhoarewillingtoputintheworktogettoknowthem.Thisdemonstratesquitealotofself-confidence.Theyknowtheyaresovaluablethattheydon'tneedtoadvertise.Whenyoucomealoneandcarefullyfindtheirinnertreasure,itwillbeworthalltheeffortyouputintoit.Youmaydiscoverthatshyintrovertsmaybethebesthiddensecretofrelationships.Likecertainatoms,theyrequirealotofenergytoformbonds,butoncethosebondsareformed,theyareveryhardtobreak.HowtoPracticeThisisaverysubtleskill,butit'sworthwhiletopracticeithoweveryoucan.Evenifatthispoint,youarestillreadingthisforanintellectualunderstanding,beingabletoswitchthisskillonwhenneededcanbeaveryvaluableasset.Jobinterviews,buildinggoodrelationshipswithneighborsorin-laws,beingabletofliponyour"conversationalgenius"willserveyouinmanyways.Tostart,begin

practicingwithyourfriends.Wheneveryoucan,switchintometamodelfollowermode,andjustaskquestions.Thispartiseasy,especiallyifyouaretrulyinterestedinwhatyouhavetosay.However,buildingupyourabilitytoquicklyfillintheblankswithyourownstoriesmaybetough.Luckily,thisissomethingyoucanstartpracticingonyourown.MemoryRebuildingSomethingyoushouldconsiderdoingwouldbetospendafewminuteseverynightrebuildingyourmemoriesgoingallthewaybacktoyourchildhood.Youcandothisondifferentthemes,themesthattendtocomeupinconversations.Forexample,youmightstartathemeof"makingfriends."Startoffasyoungasyoucanremember,andjustjournalyourexperiences,asobjectivelyaspossible,fromwhenyoustartedmakingfriendsatayoungage.Startinschool,andtakethetimetorecallthefriendsyoumade,andhowyoumadethem,asyougrewup.Movethroughhighschoolandcollegeoryourjob.Thisisn'ttogothroughanyoftheemotionalexperiences,thisisjusttojogyourmemory.Doingthisexercisewillmakethoseexperiencescometomindmuchmorequicklywhenneeded.Thisexercisewillmakethedifferencebetweenyoubeingfrozen,andnotknowingwhattosay,orbeingabletoquicklyrecallachildhoodexperience.Thisway,whenyourconversationalpartnerrunsoutofsteam,yourbrainwillprovideyouwithasimilartopicrightaway.Youcancarryontheconversationbyimmediatelysaying,"That'slikewhenIwasinthirdgrade,thisnewkidsatnexttomebutweendedupthrowingdirtclodsatthegirlsduringrecess,itwasawesome!"Gothroughasmanythemesasyoucan.Agreatwaytofindanew"theme"aroundwhichtorebuildyourmemoriesiswhenyoufeelstuckduringaconversation.Forexample,youmaybepracticingwithapersondownatyourlocalpub,whowastalkingaboutanexperiencerebuildinghisengine.Atthetime,youmayhavebeendumfoundedastowhattosay.Butthisisagoldenopportunitytostartaoneortwo-weeknightlyjournalingexperienceaboutenginesandanythinginyourhistoryregardingengines.Themoretopicsyoudothison,themorethingsyou'llbeabletocalltomindspontaneouslyduringconversations.Thiswillabsolutelyobliteratethecommon,"Idon'tknowwhattosay,"responsethatcomesupofteninearlyconversations.Thegreatpartisthatbasedonhowourmemoriesarestoredinourbrains,anyonethemeyougobackandrediscoverwillrecalltonsofothermemoriesthatdon'treallyhaveanythingtodowiththeoriginaltheme.Thiswillincreaseyourchancesofhavingfreeflowingconversationswithmorepeople.

BewaretheEgoYourbiggestenemyinusingthemetamodelfromafollowingstandpointisyourego.Beforewetalkabouthowtokeepyouregofrombotheringyou,weneedtounderstandexactlywhattheegois.Itissurprisingitssimplicity,butpotentiallydeadlyinitsoperation.Let'sreverttoourdiscussionofancientlivesofhuntergathers.Weneedtohaveabiologicalreasonforeverything,otherwisewe'llendupwithmetaphoricalideasandsuggestionsthatsoundgoodbutareimpossibletoimplement.Imaginethestructureofanancientsociety.Twoorthreehundredpeople.Organizedasahierarchy.Thehigheruponewasonthesocialladder,theeasierlifewas.Conversely,theloweronewas,theworseandharderlifewas.Tribeswerenomadic,sotheywerealwaysmovingintonewterritory.Thoseatthetopofthetribalfoodchaingotthebestspotsinthenewterritory.Thoseatthelowerendgottheleftovers.Theplacesthatnobodyelsewanted.Furtherawayfromwater,ornearertodanger.Imaginealargestereotypicalcaveforafewhundredstereotypicalcavedwellers.Themostimportantmembersofsocietystayedneartheback,asdidtheirfamilies.Instudiesofchimps,theyfindastrongcorrelationbetweensocialstatusandsex.Thereisenoughevidenceofhumanhistorytosuggestthanwheneverpossiblehigh-statusmalesdideverythingtheycouldtomonopolizeallthefemales.Eveninrecenthistory,itseemstheprimarydrivingforceofthedesiretorulemanymenistohaveaccesstomanywomen.AsurprisinglylargepercentageofAsianmalesaredescendedfromGenghisKhan,forexample.Whatdoesthismeanfortheego?Basedonwhatweknowfromchimpsandwhatweknowfromhumanhistory,aswellasendlesssocialresearchwhichshowsthathumansarehierarchical,wecanimaginethateverygenerationofhumans,sincewesplitofffromchimpssixmillionyearsago,canbeseenasasocialstatuscontest.Andthewinnerofeachgenerationalsocialstatuscontestpassedthemostgenesdowntothenextgeneration.TheParetoPrinciplestatesthatinanysystem,twentypercentofthecomponentsareresponsibleforeightypercentofthework.Twentypercentofthesalespeopleatanygivencompanywillaccountforeightypercentofthesales.Youprobablyweartwentypercentofyourclotheseightypercentofthetime.Oryoulistentotwentypercentofthesongsonyourplayereightypercentofthetime.It'snotunreasonableatalltoimaginethatupuntiltheagriculturalrevolutiononlyafewthousandyearsago,twentypercentofthemaleshadeightypercentofthechildren.Thismeansthattheabilitytogetandmaintainsocialstatuscouldverywellbetheprimedirectivethatexistsdeepinoursubconscious

mind.Thosethatcouldgetthemostsocialstatusineverygenerationgot,asaresult,theeasiestaccesstosexandwealth.Orsexandfooduntilwealthbecamesomethingotherthanfood.Theprimarydrivingforceinhumanseversincewesplitfromchimpssixmillionyearsagoistogetandmaintain,orincrease,ordemonstrate,asmuchsocialstatusaswecan.Also,considerthoseinthemiddlerangeofancienttribalsociety.Justlikeeatingfoodfeelsgoodandnoteatingdoesn'tfeelgood,anythingthatindicatesrisingsocialstatusfeelsgood,andanythingthatindicatesorthreatensloweringsocialstatusfeelsbad.Weseepeopletalkingaboutusinagoodway,wefeelfantastic.Weseepeopletalkingaboutusinabadway,wefeelhorrible.Napoleonnotedthat,"Menwilldieforribbons."Meaningthatthebestwaytomotivatehissoldierswastopubliclyacknowledgethosewhofoughtbravely.Justlikeourancienthungerdoesn'tknowthatwedon’tneedtoeateverythinginsight,becauseitstillthinksfoodisscarce,ourancientegoinstinctdoesn'tknowthatpeopletalkingnegativelyaboutusreallyisn'tsuchabigdealanymore.Itstillfeelshorribletoseepeopletalkingbadlyaboutusanditstillfeelsfantastictohearthepraisesofothers,especiallywhenit'sgivenpublicly.Similarly,wearedesperatetodemonstratehighsocialstatustoothers.Thisdoesn'tmeanwealwaysfeelcompelledtocarrydesignergoods.Thishappensatadeep,unconsciouslevel.Wheneveraretalkingtoanotherperson,thatancientpartofourbrain,thecollectionofinstinctsthatareresponsiblefordemonstratingoursocialstatus(andbeingkeenlysensitivetoanyindicationsofmovementeitherway),isdesperatetodemonstratethatoursocialstatusishigherthantheirs.Thisistheego.Acollectionofinstinctsthatsimplycannotbeturnedoffanymorethanourhungercanbeturnedoff.Wewillalwaysbesensitivetotheopinionsofothers.Andwewhenmeetpeople,wearedesperatetoshowthem,andeverybodyelse,thatoursocialstatusishigherthantheirs.Thisisnotconscious,thisisverysubtleandunderlieseveryconversationwehave,evenonline.Despitethecontextandemotionsoftheconversation,ifthepeopleintheconversationareatallstrangers,therewillbesomekindcompetitiongoingon.Myideaisbetterthanyours.Myjokeisfunnierthanyours.Mylaughterislouderandmoreresponsivethanyours.Mycommentontheissueismoreinsightfulthanyours.Thisisvery,verysubtle,butitisalwaysthere,evenamongfriends.Itisasnaturalashunger,thedesireforsexandemotionalcompanionship.Andlikeallourotherinstincts,whathelpedusbackinthedaysofhuntergathersgetsinthewaytoday.TurnItOffTemporarilyInthiscase,knowledgeismuchmorethanhalfthebattle.Thebestwaytoturn

offyouregoisnottoturnitoff,buttoteachittoplaythelonggame.Manypeopleareverygoodatthisnaturally.Theynaturallyletothersthinktheyaregettingthebestofthem,wheninreality,they’vegotverylong-rangeplans.Thisdoesn'tmeanweneedtobeextremelymanipulativeandcunning.Itjustmeanswehavetokeepacarefulwatchofourego,andwhenwefeelitsheadstartingtoriseup,wecantellittorelax,sincewhatwearedoingisdevelopsomethingmuchmoreenjoyablethanashort-termvictory.StrategyYouregowillpopupwithoutyouknowingituntilit'stoolate.Mostpeopledon'tevenacknowledgetheirownego,onlytheegoofothers.Butsinceyounowhaveamuchdeeperunderstandingofit,youcanwatchitinaction.Everytimeyoufeeltheneedtomakeacommentthatintendstomakeyoufeelatallsuperior(deeperinsight,moreintelligentcomment,harsherinsult,etc.)thatisyourego.Adultshaveaneasytimeshuttingtheiregowhenlettingtheirchildrenwinatsimplegames.Lettingtheirchildrenwingivesthemapleasurewhichisgreaterthan"beingright."Thisisthestrategytouse.Forceyourselftofocusonthepleasureofseeingyourconversationalpartnershineinthespotlight.Peoplethatarereferredtoas"know-it-alls"aregenerallynotenjoyableconversationpartnersbecausetheysimplycannotletotherpeople"win"atanything.Theyalwaysneedtohavethelastorbestwordorbetheauthorityinsomeway.Nobodyeverfellheadoverheelsinlovewithaknowitall.However,youaren'tgoingtobeapushover.Youaregoingtopractice,soyoulettherightpeopleshineattherightmoment.ObservationalPracticeThefirststepistosimplywatchyourfriendstalk.Forceyourselfintoobservationmode.Watchthem,andforceyourselftoseethemthroughthelensoftheegocontest.Seeifyoucanspotwhoistryingtodemonstratesocialsuperiorityandhowtheyaretryingtodemonstrateit.Thefunniestlaugh,thebestcomment,etc.Readinternetforumsandseeifyoucanreadbetweenthelines,andseehoweachandeverypostis,insomeway,anattempttodemonstratesomekindofsuperiority.Itisusuallyverysubtle,itisusuallysociallyacceptable,evenwelcomed,butitisalwaysthere.Itisanaturalinstinctlikehungerorthedesireforsex.Itisnotevil,itisnotbad.Itisaverynecessaryemotionthathashelpedhumanssurviveandthriveforthepast99.99%ofourexistenceonEarth.Youonlyneedtonoticeitenoughtoseethatitisthere,and

itisalwaysthere.Onceyounoticeitinothers,begintowatchforitinyourself.ImpulsetoSpeakIt'seasiesttorecognizeinyourselfwhenyouarelisteningpassively,evenboredly,butthenyousuddenlystarttospeak,almostwithoutrealizingit.Thisisyouregonoticinganopportunitytodemonstrateanykindofsuperiority.Thisisfinewithyourfriends.Thisisfinewithyourbossorcolleaguesorfamilyoreventhepolice.Butatthewrongtime,itcanbedeadlytotheobjectofyouraffection.WhySoDeadly?Thepointofmetamodelquestioningfromafollowingstandpointistohelpopenthemup,leadthemout,slowlygetthemcomfortabletalkingaboutdeepthingsthatthey'veneverreallyexpressedbefore.Thisiswhentheyareattheirabsolutemostvulnerable.Thisiswhenyouregocandothemostdamagetotheirs.Imagineyouaretalkingtoastunninglygorgeousbutextremelyshyperson.You'reonathirdorfourthdate,andtheyarereallystartingtoopenup.Theyaretalkingaboutthingsthataredeeplyimportanttothem.Ideasanddreamsabouttheirfuture,thatmakethemfeelwonderful,andsubconsciouslyassociatethatwonderfulfeelingwithyou.Thisistheabsoluteworsttimeforyouregotochimein.Let'ssaythey'retalkingaboutthedreamsaboutbecomingavet,somethingthey'vehadforalongtime,butsomethingthey'veneverreallyexpressed.Maybetheyreallydon'tknowiftheyreallywanttogoschooltobecomevet,butforsomereason,talkingaboutittoyoumakesthemfeelwonderful.Akindof"whatif"conversationabouttheidealfuture.Butyourememberreadinganeconomicarticleabouthowvetsareinbadshape.Theyhavetonsofstudentloansandthevetbusinessisdying.Youregodecidesthatitwouldbeagoodideato"showoff"yourknowledgeofthestateofthevetindustry.Justwhentheyareatpeak"goodfeeling,youregochimesin."Yeah,butyou'dhavetoborrowmoneytobeavetanditwouldbehardtopayitback.Ijustreadanin-deptharticleabouttheveteconomyandit'sreallyterriblenow."Gameover!Theyfeelsilly.Embarrassed.Foolishforhavinghadthecouragetodream.Andmoreimportantly,theyassociatethosenegativefeelingswithhavingexpressedtheirdeepdesirestoyou.Inlettingyouregooutofitsbox,you've

taughtthemthatexpressingtheirdeepestdesirestoyouisadangerousthing!Notagoodwaytomakesomebodyfallinlovewithyou!Thisisalsosomethingthatyoucannotundo.Onceyouregocrushestheirdreams,youcan'tuncrushthembysayingsomethinguselesslike,"Ishouldn'thavesaidthat."Thatwouldbelikesaying,"Gee,Ishouldn'thavedonethat,thatwasasstupidthingtodo,"aftercrushingtheirbigtoewithahammer!Admittingitdoesn'tuncrushtheirtoe!Evenworse,crushedtoescanrecover,butcrusheddreamscannot!Don'tTell-Don'tQuestion-OnlyAskAgoodruletofollowwhengettingdeeperanddeeperintodreamterritory(throughmetamodelfollowerquestioning)istoavoidcommentingorevenmakingstatements.Oneveryimportantskilltopracticeistoonlyaskquestionsthatintendtogetmoreinformation.Notadvicemasqueradingasquestionslike,"Butwon’tthatgetyoualotofstudentdebt?"Questionsthatmaketheirpicturebigger.Onlygiveadvicetoyourfutureloveriftheyspecificallyaskforit.Andeventhen,beexceptionallycareful.Adviceandcommentswillalmostalwayskillattraction,notbuilditup.

SecretTricksOnceyougetpastyourego,andgetthemtoopenup,thereisagoldmineofinformationthatyoucanusetoacceleratetheiremotionalfeelingsforyou.However,youmustbeverycareful,andusethemsparingly.Remember,alwaysthinklikeacaveman.Recallthatyoungloversbackinthosedaysrarelysaweachother,andwhentheydidtherewereusuallytonsofpeoplearound.Atthesametimetherewasusuallynotalotofcompetition,whichthereistoday.Butthereisalwaysaveryfinelinebetweenjustenough,andtoomuch.Thebestwaytogetthemtofallmadlyinlovewithyouisgetthemtowanttoseeyou,butonlypresentthemwithopportunitiestoseeyoulessthantheywant.Toomuchandit'sover.Onceyoucrossthethresholdofbeingmoreavailablethantheywantyoutobeavailable,it'stimetodialitwaybackdown.Inthatregard,thinkofreelinginafish.Ifyoureeltoohard,thefishisgone,andyou'llnevergetitback.Butifyoudon'treelatall,thefishisgoingtobeeatenbyanotherfish!Ok,maybenotthebestmetaphor.We'llgetintoalotmoredetailslateraboutfrequencysonowwe'lltalkaboutexactlyhowtousethatinformationyouaregettingduringthosewonderfulconversationsthatflowfrommetamodelfollowing.They'llbetalkingaboutthingsthatareimportanttothem.They'llbetalkingaboutthingsingreatdetailthatareimportanttothem.They'llbetalkingaboutthingsinmoredetailthanthey'veevertalkedabout.Thiswillmakethemfeelmuchbetteraboutthoseideas.Let'stakealookatthevetexamplefromthelastchapter.Thatpersonlikelyhadavaguedesiretobeavet,buttheyneverreallythoughtaboutthatvaguedesirewithverymuchspecificity.Chancesare,ifthey'deverexpressedthatvaguedesiretoanybody,itwaslikelysquashedbytheotherperson'sego.Thisisacuriouswaywehumansshareourfriendship.Ifoneofourfriends,orevenalovedone,expresseddreamsbeyondlivesofmediocritymostofuslive,itscaresus.Wethentellthemwhatafoolishideaitis.Weconvinceourselvesthatwe'rehelpingthemavoidfutureheartache,wheninrealityweareterrifiedoflosingthem.Consequently,nearlyeveryhumanhasdreamstheyareterrifiedofsharingwithothers.Thenyoucomealongandgetthosedreamsoutintheopen.Andnotonlydoyouacceptthem,youhelpthemexpandthemandgetthemmuchmorespecificthanthey'deverhoped.Andnowthey’restartingtofeelreallygood.Andtheyareautomaticallyandsubconsciouslyassociatingthosegoodfeelingswithyou.Ifthiswasallyoudid,goonregulardatesandtalktothemlikethis,forthemyouwouldbeadreamcometruethattheywouldneverwanttoletoutoftheirsite.Butwe'vegotalot

moretricksupoursleeves!UsingtheInformation

Nowyou'vegotverypowerfulinformation.You'vegotideasthatrepresenttheirdeepestdreamsabouttheirfuture.Howdoyouuseit?Oneoftherulesofwritingfictionis,"show,don'ttell."That'show.Don'tsaysomethingsillylike,"Heyrememberlastweekwhenwetalkedaboutyourdreamsofbecomingavet?Thatwasprettynice,wasn'tit?"Instead,showthemyouremember.Showthemthatyouremember.Showthemthatyourememberinawaythatsaysideasaboutthemandtheirdreamsarenowpartofyoureverydaythinking.Let'ssayyouhadadiscussionabouttheirdreamsfortheirvetbusiness,andit'snowtwoweekslater.Youareoutdrivingaroundandyoupassbyavetshop.Avoidsayingsomethingobviousandgoofylike,"Heythere'savet!Remember,youwantedtobeavet,right?"That'swaytooclumsyandconscious.Itshowsyouarepurposelytryingtorecallthatvetconversation,anditshowsyouarehopingtogetaspecificreaction.Abetterideawouldbetosaysomethingmuchsubtler.Let'ssaythenameofthevetwas"Shirley'sDogHouse."Glanceover,chuckletoyourselfandmention,almostwithoutthinking,"Yourswillhaveabettername,right?"andthendropthesubjectcompletely.Thisisademonstrationthatyouremembertheconversation.Thatyourememberitwasimportanttothem.Thiswillspintheirmindinallkindsofwonderfuldirections.Ifyousayittooobviously,they'llthinkyou'reusinganangletogetaspecificresponse.Itwon'tsoundcongruentornatural.Butwhenyoujustmentionsomethinginpassing,itdemonstratesakindof"workingknowledge"oftheirdeepestdreams.Itshowsthatyou'vetakentheirdeepestdreams,acceptedthemaspartofwhotheyare,andhaveworkedthemintoyourideasaboutthem.Thisismorepowerfulthansayingthattheyareimportanttoyou.Thisismorepowerfulthantellingthemhowmuchtheymeantoyou.Thisisonacompletelydifferentlevel.Thisshowsyouarenotjustentertainingtheirdreams,youacceptthemascompletelyvalid.Thisshowsthemthatyou'veseentherealthem,andyoulikeandremembertherealthem.Fewpeopleeverexperiencethisfromanybody,eventhoseclosesttothem.Alsoconsiderthis.Whenyoudropacommentlikethat,andthencompletelyforgetaboutit,theystillstartwonderinghowandwhythatcommentcameup.Theirmindwillbespinningabouthowyouarethinkingaboutthem,butsincethecommentwassosubtle,theywon’tbesure.Didyourememberitbecauseitwasavet,orbecauseitwasimportanttothem?Thisisthekindofuncertaintythatgrowsintodeepaffection.Thisisaverypowerfulloveseedyouwillbeplantingintheirbrain.

TakeNotesWheneveryouhaveaconversationthatinvolvesthemtellingyouanythingthatmakesthemlightup,rememberit.Writeitdownlater.Burnitintoyourbrain.Doanykindofmemorytrickyoucantoassociatethosethingswiththem.Donotjudgethem.Donottrytoalterthemorcoachthemorofferanyadviceaboutthem,ever.Justrememberthem.LookforOpportunitiesWheneveryouseeanopportunitytodemonstrateinassubtleawayaspossibleyourmemoryofthosethings,thinktwiceandspeakonce.(Kindoflikemeasuretwiceandcutonce).Youdon'twantittobeobviousthatyouarepurposelytryingtodoanything.Itmustseemasspontaneousaspossible.Shouldn'tThisBeNatural?Absolutely!Youlikethemandtheywillhopefullylikeyou.Ifyoulikethem,you'llnaturallyrememberthestuffthatisimportanttothem.Butsometimeswhenwesillyhumanslikepeople,wegetsonervousthatwecan'tthinkcorrectly.They'resittingacrossfromusandsmilingandtalkingandit'ssowonderfultryingtopayattentiontotheactualwordstheyaresayingisimpossible!So,itisagoodideatospendsometimeafterthedatetowritedownthestuffyoutalkedabout.Andsomeofusarejustsociallyawkwardandneedsomehelp.Andallisfairinloveandwar.Remember,thisisinsupportofourprimedirectiveashumans,tomakemorepeople!Alsorememberthatmuchofthiswillbenatural,andknowinghowallthisstuffhappensanywaywillhelpyoustayontrack.DeepTestingNaturally,thisshouldn'tbeaone-waystreet.Whengoingbackandforth,youeachshouldgetdeeperanddeeperintoyourownrespectivedreams,orwhateverthetopicoftheconversationis.Onewayto"testthem"toseeiftheyreallyareworthyourtimeistoseeiftheyrememberstuffthat'simportanttoyou.Whileitmaynotbeimportantearlyon,ifyoudoalltheconversationalheavylifting,andyoudoalltheworkrememberingthestuffthat'simportanttothem,don'tbeshyaboutexpectingatleastsomereciprocity.ItmightbeOKnowwhenyou'rehead

overheelsinlovewiththem,butitmightnotbefiveortenyearsintothefuture.Ifyoudoalltheworkinthebeginning,theycanreasonablyexpectyoutodoalltheworkallthetime.Youcan'treallygetangryatthemtenyearslaterforneveraskingaboutwhat'simportanttoyou.Theydidn'tinthebeginning,andyouwerefinewithitthen!Considerthisanotherpartofyourcriteria.Whenthinkingofyouridealpartnerintheabstract,beforehavingmetthem,howinterestedaretheyinyourimportanthopesanddreams?FearsAreEquallyImportantThesearebestleftuntilafteryou'vedevelopedsufficientrapport,andit'salwaysagoodideaforyoutogofirst.Butjustasimportantasknowingtheirdeepesthopesanddreams,knowingtheirdeepestfearsisalsoequallyimportant.Sharesomeofyours,andwhentheyreciprocate,rememberthem.Forexample,iftheyhaveadeepfearofclowns,fromthatpointforwardyou'vealwaysgottobeon"clownduty."Ifyoueverseeone,don'tlaughormakeajoke.Treatitasarealthreatandgetthemoutofthere!Youshouldalsoexpectthemtodothesameforyou.

EmotionsandSexOneofthegeneralskillsyou'llneedtodevelopistobeabletospeakcalmlyandconfidentlyaboutsexualandemotionaltopics.Whenthinkingaboutthesetwotopicspeopletendtoavoidthemuntilthereareproblems.Justreadingasentenceaboutspeakingopenlyaboutsexualandemotionaltopicsconjuresupideasoftherapyandinterventions.Butconsiderthatyourabilitytospeakcalmlyandrationallyabouttheseideaswillenhanceyourabilitiestocreatelovesignificantly.Thisisn'ttomeanthatyoucreatelovebyspeakingaboutsexualandemotionaltopics.Theseisaskillthathaspowerfulyetsubtlesecondaryandtertiaryaffects.Forexample,ifyousawamoviewithsomebodyyouwerejuststartingtodate,andthemovietouchedinsomesexualoremotionalthemes,beingabletotalkcalmlyaboutthemwiththesameamountofverbaldexterityasyouwouldanactionmoviewouldspeakvolumesaboutyourcharacter.Averycommonhopeforaromanticpartnerissomebodywhocanspeakintelligentlyaboutthesetopics,astheytendtobethesourceofproblems.Butatthesametime,veryfewofuscanspeakverywellaboutthesetopics,soit'snotsomethingwethinkofascriteria.It'soneofthosethingswe"hope"ispresentinourpartners,orwehopewe'llneverhaveproblemsthatrequiretalkingabouttheseissues.So,whenyoucandemonstrateearlythatyoucandiscussemotionalandsexualtopicswithoutgetting"weird,"thatwillmakeyoumoreattractiveingeneral.Youneverneedtotalkaboutyourselforyourpotentialpartner.Onlydemonstratetheabilitytodoso.Forexample,youmightwatchamovietogetherthattouchesonpotentiallytabooemotionalsubjects.Beingabletodiscusstheplotofamovieintermsofthosepotentiallytaboosubjectsispossiblewithouteverhavingtorevealanyoftheseideasaboutyourself.PracticeMakesPerfectThisisdefinitelysomethingthatyoucanpractice.Thisisoneofthosethingsyoushouldpracticewithoutevertellinganybody.Thefirststepwouldbetodosomeintrospectivejournalingtouncovertheemotionalsubjectsthatwouldmakeyouuncomfortable.Onceyou'vegotafewofthese,thenjuststarthavingimaginaryconversationsabouttheminthecar,orwhenyouarealone.Agoodwaytobuildupyouremotionaltolerancewouldbetowatchemotionallyuncomfortablemovies.Mostofusonlythinkofwatchingmoviesasaformofentertainment.Butmoviescanbeafantasticwaytoexpandwhatyoufeel

comfortablethinkingaboutandimagingfromafirst-personperspective.Pilotspracticeonflightsimulators,soldierstraintoresistbrain-washingbysimulationsandsalespeopleroleplayallthetimetohelpthemselvesovercomecommonobjectives.Considerwatchingsomeemotionallyuncomfortablemoviesjusttoallowyourselftoimagineyourselfintheroleofoneofthecharacters.Themoreemotionalrangeyoucanthinkaboutandtalkabout,themoreattractiveyou'llbetoawidervarietyofpeople.Andlater,withintherelationship,beingabletodiscussemotionallysensitivetopicscouldbetheonethingthatmakesthemneverwanttoleaveyou.Andwhenyoucanshouldertheresponsibilityofhelpingthemspeakaboutemotionallydifficultissuesbyusingyourmetamodelskills,youcanbetheirdreamcometrue.Butyoucan'thelpthemdiscussemotionallydifficultsubjectsifyoucan'tdosoyourself!Toreallyprepareyourself,considerjournalingaboutalltheemotionallydifficultsituationsyou'vebeenin.Writethemoutfromanobjectivestandpoint.Beingabletodiscussyourownemotionalhistoryfromapurelyobjectiveviewpointwillhelpyouhelpyourpartnerdiscusstheiremotionalissueswithoutgettingpulledinonanemotionallevel.Rememberthedifferencebetweenbeinginsideofasituationsubjectivelyandbeingoutsideofasituationobjectively.Bytrainingyourselftothinkobjectivelybyreviewingyourownemotionalsituations,youcanhelptheminsignificantways.Youcanbejustsubjectiveenoughtoemphasizewiththem,butkeepenoughobjectivitytoleadthemthroughwithdelicatemetamodelquestioning.SexualDiscussionsBeingabletospeakaboutsexualtopicsisalsoahighlydesiredskill.Notonlythat,butbeingabletospeakaboutnon-sexualtopicswithobvioussexualenergywillmakeyouirresistible.Thisisimpossibleifyourbrainshiesawayfromanysexualideas.Thisissomethingyoucanpracticeaswell.Andagain,thisissomethingyoushouldpracticewithoutevertellingasoul!Justgetcomfortabletalkingaboutyourownsexualityandyourownsexualdesires.Youcanbeginbyjournalingallyoursexualexperiences,asobjectivelyasyoucan.Considerofhavingagoal(whichwillbehardtoattain)ofspeakingaboutyoursexualdesiresascalmlyandrationallyasyouwouldyourfoodchoices.Sittingaroundandtalkingaboutyourfavoritepizzaplacesandfavoritecombinationsoftoppingiseasy.Buttalkingtosomebodyaboutyoursexuallikesanddislikesisdifficultformanypeople,butyou'llfindthemoreyoucantalkobjectivelyaboutyourowndesires,intheappropriatesituations,themoreattractiveyou'llbe.

TheSuperPowerMetaModelSkillThisistheoneskillthatshouldyouspringitonyournewlover,theywillnever,everwanttoleaveyou.Beverycareful,asthiswillcreateahugeamountofattractionforyouintheirminds.Donotusethislightly,besureyouareusingthisonapersonwhoyoufeelstronglypassesallyourcriteria.Conversely,onlyusethisifyouareabsolutelycertaintheotherpersonisawarethatyouandtheyarehavingaveryshorttermsexualencounter,forwhateverreason.Alsounderstandthestrengthofthissuperpowerisdirectlyrelatedtoyourownabilitiesofcalmlytalkingaboutyoursexualpreferences.Theprocesssimple.Whenyouhavesexualrapport,meaningyouareinbedandrelaxingafterhavingsex,oryouaregettingwarmeduptohavesexandit'snotthefirsttime.Thenstartusingmetamodelquestionstogetthemtalkingabouttheirdeepestandmostsecretivesexualfantasies.Thisrequiresalotofrapport,andalotofemotionalcalmness.Evenahintofjudgmentwilldestroyeverything,sobecareful,andbereadytolistenandacceptanythingtheysayasvalid.Beforeyouattemptthis,beverysurethattherearen'tanysexualdesiresontheirpartthatwouldbeadealbreakeronyourpart.Ifyourejectsomebodybecauseoftheirsexualinclinations,thatwouldbeverydevastatingtothememotionally.Thisisnotsomethingyoudoafterbeingsexuallyintimatewithsomebody.Ifyouaren'tcertainyoucanacceptanythingtheymightdesire,donottrythis.Buttheprocessthesameasanyothermetamodelelicitation.Withsexualideas,you'llneedtostartalotmorevaguely.Justaskingthem,"So,what'syourkinkiestsexualfantasy?"Probablywouldn'tbeagoodidea.Startslow,andaskthemifthey'dliketoplayagameofsexualquestions.Letthemknowtheycanstopatanytime.Makesuretheyknowyouaren'tgoingtorejectorjudgeanythingtheysay.Tellthemyouaregoingtohelpthemcreatetheperfectsexualfantasy.Tellthemtheydon'tevenhavetospeak.Alltheyneedtodoismovetheirheadonewayforyesandanotherwayforno.OrmovetheirheadonewayforchoiceAortheotherwayforchoiceB.Askthemtothinkofanysexualsituationthey'dliketobein.Tellthemitcanbeextremelyvague.Thenstartasking"eitheror"questions.Insideoroutside?Aloneorwithanotherperson?Withoneotherpersonorwithmanyotherpeople?Pauseaftereverythreeorfour"either-or"questionsanddescribetheirfantasyuptothepoint.Askthemifit'saccurate.Ifitis,continue.Thelongeryoutaketogetmoreandmorespecific,themorerealistictheirsexualfantasywillbecome.Andthelongeryoutaketodothis,themoretheywillsubconsciouslyassociatetheirsexualfantasywithyou.Eveniftheirsexualfantasyinvolvesaspecificpersonotherthanyou,(ormanyspecificpeopleotherthanyou),likearockstarorathlete,justrollwithit.Acceptitasa

completelyvalidfantasy.Themoreyoucanhelpthemcreatearichfantasywithasmuchdetail(whiletheyarelyingnexttoyouwiththeireyesclosedandlisteningtoyourvoicehelpthembringtheirfantasytolife)themoretheywillassociatesexualfantasywithyou.Yourvoice,yoursmell,yourtouch,yourpresence.Ifyoucansuccessfullydiscussyourownsexualdesires,andyoucanacceptwhateverfantasiestheymayhaveascompletelyvalid(evenifit'swithvampirealiens)youwillcreateapowerfulsubconsciousanchor.Theirdeepestsexualfantasytoyou.Ifyoucanslowlybringthemtosexualclimaxwhileyouhelpthemcreatetheirdeepestsexualfantasy?Theywillbeyourwillingloveslavetherestofyourlife!(Well,maybenotbutyougettheidea!)IfyouwereaCIAagentandhadtoseducetheenemyandgetthemtogiveuptheirnuclearcodes,thiswouldbethewaytodoit!

SneakyTricksandAdvancedTacticsWithwhatwe'vecoveredsofar,youhaveenoughinformationtogetmostanybodytofallinlovewithyou.Now,youmaynotbeabletogooutanddothattoday.Youmayneedtodosomeworkfirst.Buildupyourlistofcriteria.Developyoursocialskills,andgetcomfortabletalkingtostrangersjusttohaveexperienceinteractingwithawidevarietyofpeople.Andthelastchaptermaytakeawhileuntilyouarefullreadytoopenlydiscussmoviesaboutcomplexemotionaltopicsliketeensuicideandothercomplexissueswhichrequireseeingthingsfromdifferentperspectives.Andtheideaoftalkingaboutyourownsexualdesiresmaytakeawhile.Nevertheless,withthatcollectionofskills,you'llneverhaveto"hope"forlovehappen.You'llknowexactlyhowtomakeithappen.Ifyouareinanexistingrelationship,you'vegotenoughskillstofireituplikeitjuststarted.Evenwiththemetamodelskillsalone,youcanmakeasmallfortuneinsales.Butwhenyouaddinacoupleoftheideaswearegoingtoaddinhere,you'llhaveenoughknowledgetotransformyourselfintoanunstoppableforceofinfinitelovepower,capableofmeltingheartsasyousimplywalkdownthestreet!Ok,maybethatwasabitmuch.Butsufficeittosaythatwiththeaddedideasinthischapter,anybodywhoagreestositacrossfromyouforasimplecoffeedateisgoingtofallheadoverheelsinlovewithyou.Theyjustdon'tknowityet.SpatialAnchorsThefirstsneakytrickissomethingcalledaspatialanchor.Anchorsarewidelyknownabout,butfortunatelyfewpeopleknowhowtousethem.Theseareoneofthosethingsthateverybodythinkstheyknow,sincetheyknowhowtotalkaboutthemintelligently,butnobody(notevenworldclasspoliticians)seemtohaveaclueabout.TheyarebasedonthePavlovandhisdiscovery.IncaseyoujustlandedonplanetEarthandhaven'theardofPavlov,hewasaRussianscientistwhofiguredouthowtogethisdogstosalivatebyringingabell.Hebroughtthefood,andtheysalivated.Thatwasthenaturalresponse.Thenhestartedringingabellwhenhebroughtthefood.Thedogssoonbegansalivatingatthesoundofthebell,evenwhenitwasn'taccompaniedbythesmelloffood.InNLPcirclestheycallthisanchoring.Buttheyalmostalwaysdoitwrong.Pavlovhadtoringthebellseveraltimestogetthedogstostartsalivatingatthesoundofthebell.ThewaythisistaughtinNLPseminars,youonlyneedtodoit

once.So,whenyousetyouranchor,youneedtosetitalongwiththenaturalresponseenoughtimestomakesureit'sset.Thenwhenyou"fire"theanchoritwillgetyourtargettofeelthesameresponse.Aspatialanchorisonethatissetinspace.Youcansetonewhenyourgestures.Mostpeoplegesturewithoutanythought,sothereisn'tanycorrelationwiththeplacementoftheirgesturesandtheemotionalcontentoftheirmessage.Tosetspatialanchorscorrectly,you'llneedtostartusingyourgesturesconsciously.Thiswillfeelweird,andlikeanythingelseyoutrythefirsttime(likeputtingyourkeysinadifferentlocation)it'sgoingtotakeawhilebeforeitfeelsnormal.HowtoSetYoudon'tneedtobeveryspecific.Onlyunderstandthedifferencebetween"goodthings"and"badthings."Bothgoodthingsthateverybodywouldagreeisagoodthing,andideasyouwantyourtargettothinkisagoodthing.Whensettingyour"good"anchor,usethesamegesturewheneveryousaysomethingyoubelievewillcreatea"good"feelinginyourtarget.Forthesakeofillustration,we'lluseyourrightsideasyourgoodgestureandwe'lldenoteitwithanRinparenthesis:(R).Sowhatthingsdopeoplefeelgoodabout?Money,sex,vacation,babies,icecream,weekendparties,etc.So,ifyouweretosaythefollowing,withthe(R)gesturesaccompanyingthe"good"things,you'dhaveaprettyhighprobabilityofconnectingthosegoodfeelingstoyourchosengesture.LastweekIwasflippingaround,watchingTV.Ijustgottenhomefromwork,readyfortheweekend(R),andIfoundthismoviethatIthoughtwasfamiliar,butIhadn'tseenit.Theactresswasgorgeous(R)andshehadthisreallycutebaby(R).Ididn'treallyknowthestorysinceIstartedwatchinghalfwaythrough.WhileIwaswatchingIgotanautomatedtextfrommybank,sayingthey'dmadeamiscalculationandIhadanextrafourhundreddollars(R)inmyaccount.Iwasinaprettygood(R)mood,soIcalledmybuddyandhebroughtoverabunchofpizza(R).Bythetimehegotthere,themoviewasoverandtheladyhadreconnectedwithherhusband(R)whorealizedhismistakeandtoldherhowmuchhelovedher(R)anditwasahappyending(R).ThenmyfriendcameoverandIfellasleeponthecouchwhilehewatchedamovieaboutzombiesvs.aliensorsomething.Oncethegoodanchorisset,youcanstarttoconnectittothingsyouwantthemtofeelgoodabout.Likemaybetheyshouldgiveyoutheirnumber(R)soyoucangettogetherlater(R)andcontinuethisconversation.Orifyouwerea

salesperson,youmighttalkabouthowtheyshouldbuytheproduct(R)sotheycantakeithome(R)andenjoyit(R).Theideaissimple.Settheanchorenoughtimesonthingsyouknowthey'llfeelgoodabout,andthenfiretheanchorafewtimesonsomethingyouwantthemtofeelgoodabout.Butwearegoingtogoabitdeeper,andusethiswithmuchmorepower.CombinationswithMetaModelWheneveryouareaskingthemquestionsaboutsomethingtheyliketalkabout,andyouareusingthemetamodeltogetthemtalkinginmorespecificandmoreenjoyableterms,youusesetyourgoodanchortotheirdesires.Asyoucarefullyelicittheirfantasies,hopesanddreams,you'llneedtoperiodicallydescribetheirideasbacktothem,bothtomakesuretheyknowyouunderstandthem,andtomaketheyfeelgoodwhentheyhearyousayingtheirwords.Youcanenhancethisbyusingyoursettingyouranchorstotheirwords,asyousaythembacktothem.Forexample,iftheyarespeakingtoyouabouttheirdreamsofonedaybecomeavet,imagineiftheysaidthefollowing:Yeah,Idon'tknowifIcouldevengetintotheschool,butI'dlovetobecomeavet.Imeanitwouldbegreattohelpanimals,andIlovetheideaofbeingabletohealafamilypetandtellthekidsthattheirdogorcatwasgoingtobeOK.Let'sfurtherimaginethattheunderlinedpartsarewheretheykindof"litup"abitwhentheysaidthosephrases.That'sanindicationthosearethingsthathavespecialemotionalmeaningtothem.Thesearethekeyphrasesyoucansaybacktothem.Whenyoudo,maketouseyour"goodanchor."That'sreallycool.Ireallyadmirepeoplethatmakeadecisionlikethat,tobecomeavet(R).Imeanweallhavedogsandcatsandit'shorriblewhensomethinghappenstothem.It'sgoodthattherearepeoplethatcanhelpanimals(R).Ihadafriendandwhenhisdoggotsick,alltheirkidswantedwasforsomebodytohealthefamilypet(R)andtellthemtheirdogwasgoingtobeOK(R).So,whendoyoustartvetschool?Thiswaythere'snoguessing.Youmaytrysomethinglike"Ifoundsomemoney(R)"onlytofindoutyourloveinterestisacommunistwhohatesmoneyandwantstoreverttothebartersystem.Butwhenyouusetheirownphrasesthatyouknowmakethemfeelgood,you'llhavealotmorepower.

Butwe'rejustgettingstarted!

SneakierTricksAverypopularandnearlyalwaysmisusedtechniquefromNLPistheembeddedcommand.Theideaissimple,butfewpeoplecandeliverthemwithanyskill.Interestingly,thepeoplethatdeliverthemthebestarethosewhoaren'tawaretheyareusingthem.Howcanthisbe?Beforewegetintothedetailsofwhatembeddedcommandsareandhowtheyarebestused,let'squicklygooverwhatNLPisandwhatitisn't.NLPfallsundertheumbrellaofpersuasivecommunication.Persuasivecommunicationinvolvestalkingtootherpeopleinacertainwaythatisdifferentfromhowonenormallytalkstopeople.Thispresentsandinterestingproblem.Ifyouweretolearnhowtoplaythepiano,youwouldknowthatittakespractice.Andyoucouldpracticeintheprivacyofyourownhome,usingheadphonessonobodywouldneedtolistentoyourmistakes.Mosteverythingwelearnislookedatassomethingthatneedstobepractice,andeverybodyknowsthatpracticingisnormal.Thebestathletesintheworldpractice90%ofthetimeandcompete10%ofthetime.Butcommunicationissomethingthatishardtopractice.Ifyouaretalkingtosomebodywhoknowsyouarepracticing,thenyou'renotreallypracticingsinceit'snotreallyorganic.Andpracticingwithsomebodywhodoesn'tknowyouarepracticingfeelsverystrange,somostpeopledon'tdoit.Thispresentsanopportunityforclevermarketers.Theyareteachingsomethingthatisonlyeverpracticedintheseminarroom,whereeverybodydoeswhattheyaresupposedto.Veryfewpeopleactuallytakethetimetogooutandpracticeonrealpeople,andcontinuetopracticefortheamountoftimeittakestogenuinelyimprove.Learningtoplaythepianoeffectivelytakesyears.Learningtoexcelinasportmaytakealifetime.Yetsomehow,mostofthepeoplewith"certificates"inanykindofNLP-relatedskillbelieverthatpracticingfortwoweeksinaseminarroomissufficient.That'sthefirstpoint.Mostpeoplethatthinkthey"know"NLPdon'treallyhavethefaintestidea.ThisalsomeansthatthosewhocomeupwithNLPthingstoteachhavealotofflexibility.Theycancomeupwithalotofesotericideas,andnobodywillknowsincenobodywillactuallygooutandtrythemonrealpeople.Thisistrueforanythingrelatedtomakingmoney,meetingpeople,orbecomepersuasive.Sincemostpeoplewillnevertakethetimetoactuallypracticewhatisbeingtaught,the"teachers"cangetawaywiththecraziestsoundingideas.So,rightoffthebat,mostofwhatyouhearaboutNLPfromotherpeopleisnotthatmuchdifferentfromlisteningtopeoplewhoparticipatein"fan-fiction"onlinegroups.Itsoundsgreatintheseminarroom,itworked

greatwhentheygottheironlinecertificate,butit'snotsomethingthey'veeverreallytried.MostofNLPisreallyverysimple,butsincefewpeoplehavetakenthetimetoactuallypracticetheseverysimpletechniques,clevertrainersandmarketershaveinventedallkindsofsillysoundingcommunicationsystems.Buttruepersuasivetechnologyisnotinvented.Itisreverseengineeredfrompeoplewhoarenaturallypersuasive.ThewayNLPwas"invented"waybackinthedaywasbyreverseengineeringpeoplewhowerenaturallypersuasive.Thisiswhymanypeoplegetconfused.They'llreadafewbooksorblogpostsaboutNLP,thenthey'llcomeacrossanaturallypersuasivespeaker,andseesome"NLP,"andmaketheerroneousconclusionthatthepersonis"using"NLP.Hereweneedtogetintosomebasiclogic.Let'ssaythattenpercentofpeoplearenaturallypersuasive.Thosetenpercentusetechniquesthat(thattheyusespontaneouslyandnaturallywithouteverbeingtaught)thatareproventobeeffective.Somebodycomesalongandsecretlystudiesallthesenaturallypersuasivepeople.Someusesometechniques,someuseothertechniques.Let'ssayaftersecretlystudyingthesepersuasivepeopleforafewyears,theycomeupwith100specifictechniquesthattheycancopyandtestandshowthattheseindividualtechniquesarepersuasive.Andlet'sfurtherassumethateachnaturallypersuasivepersonusessixtyorseventypercentofthosetechniquesonaverage.Andlet'sassumethattheaverage"non-persuasive"personusesmaybetenpercentofthesetechniques,onaverage.OnecouldconcludethatsomepeopleknowsomeNLP,andsomepeopleknowmoreNLP.Butthetruthisthatsomepeoplearejustnaturallymorepersuasivethanothers.NLPisjustacollectionofalltheindividualtechniquesthatpeoplearealreadyusing,andhavealreadyused.Now,howmanypeoplehavestudiedNLPandgonefrombeingapersonwhousestenpercentofthesetechniquestofiftyorsixtypercent?Howwouldyouknow?Ifyouwereonlyallowedtoobservethecommunicationfromtheoutsidein,youwouldn'treallybeabletotelliftheywereactuallyusingNLPafterhavingpracticeditforalongtime,oriftheywerejustnaturallypersuasive.ThisallowsforalotofmythicalbeliefsaboutNLPtopersist.Thatitdoesn'texistatall.Orthatitdoesexistbutitissosecretthatonlyafewverypowerfulpeopleknowaboutit.Orthatsomepersuasivepeoplearesocleveratusingitthattheyseemtobenormal,andonlythosereallyskilledinNLPcantellushowthosearereallyusingsecrettechniquesfromNLP.Butthetruthisthatsomepeoplearenaturallypersuasive.Andpersuasionisluckilysomethingverysimplethatwecanstudyandpractice.Unfortunately,wehumanshaveacleverwayofdeceivingourselves.Andthatmakesusripefortrainerswhocanmakemoneybyteachingtheseallegedlysuper-secrettechniques.Here'showitworks.SomebodymayreadabookorablogpostaboutNLP.Somethingsimplelike

howtousespatialanchorsorembeddedcommands.Theysoundcool,butthenwhentheygoouttotrythem,itseemsintimidating.So,theydecidetostudymore.Theylikedtheexperienceoflearningaboutembeddedcommandandspatialanchors,butnowtheyprettymuchknoweverythingaboutthem,becauseafterall,theyareverysimple.So,theyhavetwochoices.Gooutandactuallypracticethesetwosimpleideas(simpleinconceptbutkindofscarytopractice)ortheycouldlookforanothersecrettechniquetostudy.Mostpeopletendtodothis.Thiscreatesamarketfilledwitheagerpeoplewhowouldratherlearnmoresecrettechniquesthanactuallypracticesimpleandverypowerfultechniques.Consequently,ifyouweretoperusetheNLPmarketplace,youwouldfindallkindsofgoofynamesofallegedlytop-secretsystemsofalienbasedpsychicpersuasion(orsomethingequallysilly).Butthebottomlineisthatwhatyouneedtoknow,anddo,tomakenearlyanybodyfallheadoverheelsinlovewithyouisactuallyverysimple.Butit'salsoveryeasytofallintothe"I'dratherlearnmorethanpractice"trap,whichkeepsyouinyourheadandnotoutintheworldwhereallthefunhappens.So,whenwegothroughanddescribethesemystical"embeddedcommands,"youwillfindevidenceofpeopleusingthemeveryday.ThosepeoplehavenotlearnedNLP,theyjusthappenedtofeelstronglyaboutwhattheyaretalkingabout,andtheywouldlikeyouto.That'showhumanscommunicate.It'sthefoundationforspokenlanguage.Togetideasoutofourheads,intoourtargetsheads,inawaythatourtargetwillhopefullytakeaction.Thisissomethinghumanshavebeendoingsincethedawnoftime.Itisnotsneaky.Itisnotmystical.Itissimplyamatteroflearninghowtocommunicatemoreeffectively,soyoucanhaveabettereffectonothers.It'snodifferentthanwhenyoungladieswouldwalkbackandforthincharmschoolwithbooksontheirheads,sotheywouldappearmoregraceful.Itisnotasecrettrickitisnotameansofdeception.Itisjustamoreeffectiveandpersuasivewayofcommunication.Allthisbackgroundistogetyouhopefullycommittedtolearnthesesimpletricksandthenpracticethemasiftheyarenobigdeal.Theyreallyaren't.LetotherpeoplebelieveinNLPmythologyalltheywant.Youcangetbusylearningthesimpletoolsyouneedtogetpeopletofeelundyingromanticaffectionforyou.We'llgetintosomedetailsnext.

EmbeddedCommandStructureOk,enoughbackgroundmotivation!Embeddedcommandsareextremelysimple.Aboutassimpleasspatialanchors.Andwhenyoucombinethetwo,theywillbeverypowerful.CommandStructureCommandsneedagrammaticalstructure.InEnglish(don'taskmeaboutotherlanguages!)it'stheplainformoftheverb,asingleverboraphrasalverb,followedbyanoptionalnoun.Whensaidbythemselves,thefewerthewords,theymorepowerfultheyare.Forexample:Sitdown!Ismorepowerfulthan:Sitdowninthatbluechairoverinthecornernexttothefishtank!Botharecommands.Bothimplyonepersontellinganotherpersonwhattodo.Butoneismuchmorepowerful,meaningwillbemuchmorelikelytoelicitcompliance,thantheother.Thefirstone,saidwithconfidence,willimplyimmediateaction.Thesecondmightendwiththetargetwonderingaboutthefish,orwhytheycan'tchooseanotherchair,orthatthechairreallyisn'tblue,it'smoreofalightpurple.So,ourfirst"rule"ofembeddedcommands(don'tworry,wehaven'tgottentotheembeddedpartyet)isthatshorterisbetter.CommandTonalityCommandsalsomustbesaidwithcommandtonality.Ifyousaid,"sitdown?"andpointedtoachair,yourtargetmightsitdown,theymightwanderoutsideinstead.Ifyousaiditflatly,"Sitdown,"withoutanyrisingorfallingtoneattheend,themightwonderwhoyouarespeakingto.Butifyousaiditwithfallingtonality,wherethe"down"wassaidinalowertonethanthe"sit"part,theywouldknowexactlywhatyoumean.EmbeddedCommands

Nowthegoodpart!Thisiswhereyoutakeasimplecommand,butembeditinalargersentence.Considerthefollowingsentence:TheotherdayIwaswaitingformyturntogoorderatthatMexicanplacedowntownandIdecidedtositdownbecauseitlookedlikeitmightbeawhile.That'sregularsentencethatdescribesapastaction.Ifyouwerelistening,youwouldlikelybetryingtoimagineyourfriend,theMexicanrestaurant,andwhateverchairhesatin.Butconsiderifyousaythe"sitdown"likeacommand.Andfurtherimaginethattherewasaslightpausebeforeandafterthecommand.TheotherdayIwaswaitingformyturntogoorderatthatMexicanplacedowntownandIdecidedtositdownbecauseitlookedlikeitmightbeawhile.Ofcourse,ifyoupausedfortwosecondsbefore,andtwosecondsafter,andyougavethecommandasifyouwereafrustratedkindergartenteacherabouttoloseyourmind,whoeveryousaidthattowouldthinkyou'vegonebonkers.Itwouldactuallybekindoffunny.Rightinthemiddleofthenormalsoundingsentenceaboutanormalsoundingrestaurantexperience,youdecidedtopauseandscreamatyourconversationpartner.Evenfunnierwouldbeifyoucontinuedtalkingasifnothinghappened.Infact,thiscanbeaveryentertainingpartytrick.Forexample,imagineyouwerestandinginthemiddleofamixedgroupataparty.Andsupposedyousaidthefollowing:IwaswatchingthismovieonTVandthisgirlwentintothedoctor’sofficeandhesaidbeforehebegantheexam,shehadtotakeoffyourclothessohecouldchecktoseeifshehadthezombievirus.Ifyousaidthepartbeforeandafterthecommand(takeoffyourclothes)likenormal,butwhenyousaidthecommandyoupausedandlookeddirectlyatafemalefriend(orbetter,somebodyyoubarelyknew)andthenactedlikeeverythingwasnormalasyoucontinuedtheconversation,itwouldbeprettyfunny,assumingyoukeptyourcomposure.Now,thisisn'thowshouldusecommandswithyourloveinterest,butitisanexampleofhowsomethingsosimpleissoversatile,andthis"oneweirdtrick"canmakeyourconversationalstyleextremelyflexible.IdealDelivery

Whenyoudelivertheseinanon-humorousway,theyshouldonlybebarelyperceptibletoyourlistener.Ifyouchangeyourtonality,facialexpressions,etc.toomuch,they'lleitherthinkyou'rebeingsneaky,orthey'llthinkyouarebeingfunnyonpurpose.Whenusingcommandtonality,youonlyneedtodropyourtonejustateenybitwhenyousaythese.MiltonErickson,theDr.whoinventedthese,wouldonlytilthisheadtothesidewhenhegaveembeddedcommandstohispatients,whousuallyhadtheireyesclosed.Ideallythechangeintonalityshouldbewithinyournormalspeakingrange.Itshouldsoundasnaturallyasyoucanmakeit.OneCommandIsn'tNearlyEnoughAcommonmisconceptioninembeddedcommandsisthattheyaremagicbulletsthatyouonlyneedtouseonce.Unfortunately,that'snotthecase.Themoreyouuse,thebetter.Infact,considermakingitagoaltospeakin"embeddedcommands"aspartofyournaturalspeakingstyle.Youcantrainyourselftouseyourcommandvoicewheneveryoucomeacrossashortphrasethatis"commandworthy."Whatmakessomethingcommandworthy?Anythingthatyouwantthemtodo,anythingthatmostpeoplealreadywanttodo,oranythingthatyouknowyourtargetwouldliketodo.Asageneralrule,whenspeakingtopeoplewhomyouaren'ttryingtomakefallinlovewithyou,youcanusecommandsandcommandtonality(aswellasyourgoodspatialanchor)wheneveryousaysomethingyouknowpeoplewillbeeagertodo.Makemoney.Havesex.Goonvacation.Seethehappybaby.Bakechocolatecake,etc.Understandthiswilltaketime,butjustthissmallshiftwillhaveapowerfuleffectonyouroverallcommunication.Byusingyourcommandvoice,andusingactualcommandswheneveryouarespeakingandyoucatchacommandworthyphrasebeforeitleavesyourmindanddeliveritwithcommandtonalityandyourgoodspatialanchor(whichisprettymuchwhatnaturallypersuasivepeopledoanyway)yousoonbecomeaveryinterestingpersontolistento.Youwillbecommandingpeopletodothingstheywanttodoanyway.Tonearlyeverybody,thisisaverygoodfeeling.Tobelisteningtoaconfidentspeakerwhoissubconsciouslytellingustodowhatwewanttodo.UnderstandingCommandOrderWhenusingcommandstoachieveaspecificendpoint,thatis,goingfromsomebodycasuallyknowingyoutohavingstrongfeelingsforyou,theorderof

yourcommandsshouldgofromthe"everybodywantstodo"commandstothe"thingsIwantyoutodo"commands.Andthetransitionshouldbeassmoothandgradualaspossible.Forexample,thefollowingcommandsgivenoverthecourseofathirty-minutedinnerdateconversation,wouldbeperfect.RelaxEnjoytimeoffHaveagoodtimeEnjoythewineTrysomecakeGoonvacationOpenupBecomecomfortableShareanexperienceTellmemoreGetcloserThinkofthefutureGettogetheragainLookforwardtothisTryadifferentrestaurantLookforwardtomycallThesearejustsomeexamples,butseehowtheyslowlytransitionfromcommandmostanybodywouldfollow,tosomemoreneutralcommands,to

specificonesthatcouldberelatedtogettingtogetheragain.Thisisprobablythebiggestmisunderstandingofembeddedcommands,thattheyarea"trick"thatyouonlyneedtouseonceortwice.Onceyoustarttolookfortheseinothers,you'llseethatpeoplewhousethem,usethemoften,andtheyusethemnaturally.Considermakingthempartofyournormallanguage,nomatterwhoyouarespeakingtoandnomatterwhatyouarespeakingabout.Wheneveryoucatchyourselfabouttosayashortcommandworthyphrase,justputitinacommandanduseyourgoodanchoralongwithit.HowtoPracticeThiswilltaketime,makenomistake.Theeasiestwayistojusttofindsometext,andfindallthecommandworthyphrases.Markthemoutsomehow,andthenjustreadoutloutandsaythecommandascommand.Itwillfeelstrangeatfirst,anditwilltakeawhilebeforetheyfeel"normal."Butoncetheyfeelnormal,whenyouusethemonotherstheywillhavenoidea.They'lljustassumethat'showyouspeak.Andifyoupracticeusingtheseon"everybodywantstodo"commands,thenthey'llneverbeanyreasonforanybodytosayanything.They'lljustnodalonglikeit'sagoodidea.Next,we'lllearnsomeevenmorepowerfulwaystouseforfantasticeffects.

ElicitandMagnifyIfthethoughthasn'talreadycrossedyourmind,thenextstepisprettysimple.Itfollowsfromthelasttwoideas.Thefirstisusingtheir"desires"connectedtoyourspatialanchorsasyousaythembacktothem.Tomakethemevenbetter,simplytaketheirdesiresandchangethemintocommandform.Forexample,let'ssayyou’reonafirstdateandtheysaysomethinginnocentlike,"Myjob'sprettygood,butIstillwonderifIcouldbecomeavet."Nowlet'ssaywhentheysaythelastpart,theysayitwithmixedemotions.Maybetheyarealittleshyaboutsayingitloudtosomebodytheybarelyknow.Maybetheythinkit'sanunrealisticgoalforonereasonoranother.Butyoudetectthatunderneath,yousenseit'snotjustsomethingtheythoughtupinthatmoment.Yoususpectit'ssomethingtheyhavebeenthinkingaboutforawhile.So,youdosomecarefuldigging,toseeifthatreallyisagoldnugget."Yeah?Youlikeanimals?"youask.Avagueandsafequestion.Theysmile."So,ifyouweretobecomeavet,whatwouldthatmean?"Youask.Youtooktheirwords(becomeavet)andsaidthembackinarelaxed,vaguequestion.Supposetheysmiled,butwereunsure.So,youdecidedtoasksomespecificmetamodelquestionstohelpthem.

"Let'ssayyouhadthemoneyandthetimeandeverything.Ifyouwenttovetschool,howlongwouldthattake?"youask.Noticehowyoucarefullyshiftedthequestioninto"hypotheticalland.""Well,ifIcouldgetin,"theysaid,pausing."Sure,assumingyoucouldgetin,itwaspaidfor,youhadthetime,howlongwouldittake?"yousay,slightlyrefiningyourhypotheticalmetamodelquestion."Well,"theysayslowly,actuallythinkingitoverinspecificterms."I'dhavetogotoschoolforanotherfouryears,"theysay,perhapsoutloudforthefirsttime.Yousmileandnod,rememberafewmomentsgo,pullingtheiroriginalgoldennugget.You'vecarefullypulleditout,polisheditup,madeitmorerealandarenowreadytogiveitbacktothem.

"So,ifyoucouldfindthemoney(R),findthetime(R)andstudyforfour

years,youcouldbecomeavet(R),right?"youask.Theaboveassumesyou'vecarefullysetyourgoodanchor(R),andyouhavewarmedthemuptoyourcommandvoicebygivingthemsomeearlycommandsaboutthingsmostpeoplewouldlike.Nowyouaregivingthemcommandsthatreflecttheirdeepestdesires.Thinkaboutwhatthisdoes.Allofushavedeepdreams.Allofusarealittlesketchyaboutsharingthosedeepdreamswithothers.Andmostofushaveanexperienceofsharingthosedeepdreams,atleastsomeofthem,withthoseclosetousonlytogetalessthanenthusiasticorsupportiveresponse.Butintheabovescenario,youwerepayingcloseattentiontothem,andyounoticedashortstatement(becomeavet)thatcouldpotentiallybeagoldnugget.Somethingthatrepresentsastronglyhelddreamorhopeabouttheirfuture.Youcarefullyandwithoutjudgmental(neithergoodnorbad)pulleditouttoverifyit.Youaskedafeweasymetamodelquestionsinhypotheticallanguage(assumingyoucouldgetin...)sotheydon'tfeelonthespot.Byslowingshiftingintohypotheticallanguageyouallowedthemthe"playspace"toimaginetheiridealfuturewithoutthenormalconstraintsofnormaldaytodaylife.Yougotafewpiecesofinformation,thelengthoftimethatwouldberequired,andyoumadeanassumptionthatitwouldtakemoney.(Themoneyissaidvaguely,soitcouldapplytothetuitionaswellaslivingexpensesoffouryears).Thenyoucombinedthosetwocommands(findthetime-findthemoney)andusedthemtobuildupthestrengthoftheirgoldnugget(becomeavet).Eveniftheynever,everreallyconsideredgoingtovetschool,eveniftheyneverquittheirregularjob,thisissomethingverypowerfulandverypersonaltothem.Youcarefullypulledoutoneoftheirdeepestdesires(bypayingcloseattentionwhentheywerespeaking)gotitintohypotheticallandsoyoucouldfurtherdefineit,andthenyoufeditbacktothemintheformofacommand.It'sonethingtosaysomethingvagueandmeaninglesslike,"Followyourdreams!"Anybodycandothat.Butittakesfocusandalotofefforttofindoutwhatsomebody'sdreamis,getitoutintheopeninaneasy-to-talk-aboutway,andthencommandthemtodoit.Takeamomenttothinkaboutthisnextquestion.Howmanypeople,inyourlife,haveeverdonethatforyou?Howmanypeoplehavepatientlylistenedtoyoutalkaboutyourdreams,andwithzerojudgment(positiveornegative)helpyoudefineyourdream,andthencommandyoutofulfillyourdream?Ifanybodyhas,it'sprobablybeenpeoplewhoaresupposedtodothis,andpeoplethatyouexpectedtodothis.Teachers,schoolcounselors,pastors,parents,etc.Eventhenyourdreamswerelikelymixedinwithsomeunexpected,(andunasked)foradvice.

RemembertheReasonYoudon'tdothistobecometheircareercounselor.Youdon'tdothistobecometheirlifecoach.Youdon'tdothisandthenthinktheywillforeveraskyouradvicewhenitcomestodecisionsregardingtheirdreamsorhopes.Intheaboveexample,youdon'teverneedtobringuptheideaofthembeingavet.Youcertainlydon'tremindthemayearlaterandsaysomethingunhelpfullike,"Hey,Ithoughtyouweregoingtobecomeavet?Whathappened?"Youallowthemtokeeptheirdream,asadream,andyouallowthemtotreatitasadreamaslongasthelike.Itiscompletelyuptothemwhenandhowtheytransformtheirdreamintoreality.Nowthatyou'veelicitedtheirdreamandhaveconnectedittoyourcommandvoiceandyourspatialanchordoesn'tmeanyouarenowforeverconnectedtothem.Itmeansabsolutelynothingaboutthefutureforyouandthem.Theonlyreasonfordoingthemistogivethemanemotionalexperience,withyou,inthatmoment.Theunderlyingmessageoftheaboveconversationis:"Ilikethatyouhavedreams.Ilikethatyou'vesharedyourdreamswithme.Itotallyappreciateandsupportyourdreams;howeveryoudecideordon'tdecidetomakethemcometrue.Idon'texpectanythingfromyoubecauseofthis.Idon'trequireanythingfromyoubecauseofthis.I'mnotheretojudgetoadvise.I'monlyheretounderstandandappreciate."Now,askyourselfthisquestion.Thinkverycarefully.Howmanypeopleinyourlifehasaskedaboutyourdreamswithintheaboveunderstanding?Probablynotmany.Theoneswhodidwerelikelybloodrelatives.Whatdoyouthinkyourresponsemightbeifsomebody(whopassedyourphysicalattractioncriteria)askedthatofyou?Howwouldfeelasaresult?Thisisthefeelingyoucannowcreateinothers.Atwill.Thisisthefeelingthat,whenspacedoutovertimeandmixedwithscarcity,willgetthemthinkingaboutyouinthebestpossibleway.Thoughtsthatslowlyturnintoone-itis,orlove.Westilldo,however,haveacoupleothertricksupoursleeve.

TheSelfPointThelastchapterwasfairlydetailed,anditcoveredonlyonegoldennugget.Everypersonyoutalktowillhaveanunlimitednumberofthese.Solongasyoualwayskeepyourselffromgivingadviceortryingtotellthemhowtoachievetheirhopesanddreams,andkeepthe"understandandappreciate"mindsetyouwillcontinuetofindmoreandmoregoldennuggets.Everysinglegoldennuggetyoufindcanbecarefullymovedoverintohypotheticalland.Justaskhowtheywouldachievewhateveritistheywantshouldeverythingworkoutaccordingtoplan.Thewordsareeasyandnotthatimportant.Muchmoreimportantisthatyourenergybeabsolutelydevoidofanyadvicegivingorjudgment,eitherpositiveornegative.Thestructureissimple.Askaboutwhattheywant,underanycontext.Thenasksimplemetamodelquestionstogetmoreinformation.Lookcarefullyforanypotentialgoldennuggets.Carefullyexpandthosegoldennuggetswithhypotheticalmetamodelquestions.Onceyou'resurethegoldennuggetisagoldennugget,thatisyoufinallyclarify(usuallybytheirfacialexpressionsandothernon-verbalcommunication)thatitisindeedsomethingtheywouldloveundertherightconditions,putitintoacommandform,ifitisn'talreadyinone,andthenconnectittoyourspatialanchorandcommandvoice.Themoregoldennuggetsyoufind,themoreexperiencesyou'llgivethem.Ofcourse,youshouldn'toverdoit.Youneedtotalkaboutyourselfandyourowndreams.Andyoushouldalsousesomeplayfulteasingwithsomeoftheirdesires.Howmuchandhowoftenvariesgreatlyfrompersontoperson,boththepersongivingandthepersonreceiving.Ifyoudotoolittle,youmaybeseenassomebodywhoisreallysweet,butperhapstoosweetasthereisn’tanychemistry.Toomuchandyoumaybeseenasacallousbully.Developing"teasingflexibility"isdefinitelysomethingthatwillbeextremelyhelpful.Themoreyoucanadjustyourcommunicationstylebasedonwhomyouarespeakingto,themoreyou'llbeabletomovetheiremotions.Butifyouaresufficientlyopen,detectingtheirownpreferred(andalmostalwayssubconscious)levelofteasingisfairlysimple.You'llknowwhenyouarenotpushingenough,andyou'lldefinitelyknowwhenyouarepushingtoohard.Butbeforewegetintothepush-pullidea,there'sonemoreanchortodiscuss.TheSelfPointThisisaprettyfamousanchor,asit'sbeentaughtasapowerfulandsneakytrick,

whichitis.Butlikespatialanchors,youneedtouseitquiteoften,andasnaturallyasyoucanforittobeeffective.Recallwhensettingtherightanchor(R),youneededtosaythingsthathadahighprobabilityofelicitingagoodfeelinginyourlistener.Doneenoughtimes,theanchoritself(R)wouldcreatethatgoodfeeling.Youcanalsouseyourgoodanchorontheirgoldennugget,asyouexpandandmagnifyit.Onceyou'vegottheirgoldennuggetanchoredtoyourgoodanchor,youcanthenstarttogivesuggestions,oryourowncommands,andattachtoyourgoodanchor.Ifyou'vesetenoughoftheirgoldennuggetstoyourgoodanchor,whateverothercommandsyougive,solongastheyaren'toverthetopcrazy,willbesubconsciouslyassociatedwiththeirgoldennuggetfeelings.Forexample,ifyou'vesetfiveoftheirgoldennuggetstoyourgoodanchor,andit'syourthirddateandyou’rereadytoaskthembacktoyourplace,youcansay,"Whydon'tyoucomehomewithme(R)tonight,I'mnotreadytoletyougo."Theshortcommand(comehomewithme)isattachedtoyourgoodanchor,whichwillalsosubconsciouslybringupalotoftheirgoldnuggetemotionalenergy.Thiswillsignificantlyincreaseyourchances.Butyoucandoalotmore,thatactsalotmoresubtly,especiallywhenaddedupovertime.Thisiswhenyouusetheself-point.Aself-pointiswhenyouverysubtlygesturetowardyourself.Forexample,ifyouarespeakingtosomebodyandyouareholdingeachhandoutoneithersideofyou,asmostpeopledowhenyouspeak,youcanbringyourrighthand(orwhicheverhandyouuseforyourgoodanchor)slightlytowardyouwhenyouaresettingagoodanchor.Self-pointsareonlyusedforgenerallygoodanchors(thekindyoubelievewillhaveahighprobabilityofelicitingapositiveemotion)andgoldennuggets.Thisworksslightlydifferentthanagoodanchor.Agoodanchoriskindofastoredplaceofftoyourrightthatyoucanusetocreategoodfeelings.Whenyoudon'tuseit,itdoesn'tdoanything.Butwhenyousubtlygesturetowardyourself,andyoudothisoften,yourlistenerwillslowlystarttoassociatethosegoodfeelingswithyou.Now,imagineifyousetfivegoldennuggetanchorsoverthecourseofaconversation.Thatwouldgiveyourrightanchorapowerfulpotentialenergyyoucoulduseforlatercommands.Inthisregard,rightanchors(oryourchosenspatialanchors)arepotentialenergyforspecificuses.Butifyouinsteaduseaself-pointwhenrepeatingtheirmagnetizedgoldennuggetsbacktothem,itwillhaveacompletelydifferenteffect.Theywillslowlybegintoassociatetheirgoldnuggetfeelingswithyou.Thissimpleideaoftheself-point,whencombinedwiththecarefulmetamodelexpandingandmagnifyingoftheirgoldennuggets,isincrediblypowerful.Itdoesn'trequireyoulearnanycomplicatedcommunicationsystem,ormemorizedlinesorpatterns.Allitrequiresisthatyoucreaterapport,asksimplequestionsandexpandtheiranswersthattheyseemto

enjoyansweringthemost.Thenexpandthem,magnifythem,andcarefullyconnectthemtoyourselfwithsubtleself-points.TheGoodAnchorSelf-PointSweepAnotherwaytousetheself-pointisincombinationwithapreviouslysetspatialanchor.Supposeyou'vesetyourrightanchor(R)withthingsthatmadethemfeelgood.Maybeyoutoldafewjokesandwhenyousaidthepunchlineyousettherightanchor.Maybeyoudescribedyourfavoritemovieplotandwhenyousaidthingslike,"fallinlove,"or"savedtheprincess,"or,"killedthemonster,"or"wasreunitedwithhisfather,"yousettherightanchor.Everything'sgoingfine.Thenyoustartaskingmetamodelquestionsandstartgettingsomepotentialgoldennuggets.Youchooseone,andstarttomagnifyitandmakeitbrightandshiny.Justforthesakeofargument,let'ssaytheirgoldennuggetisto"becomeasinger."Whenyousayit,youcanusethefirstpartofthephraseasyourrightanchorandasyoufinishthephrase,youcanslowlybringyourrighthandtowardyourchest.Whenyoudothis,besuretomaintaineyecontact.Thisisverymuchlikeasleightofhandmagictrick.Themagicianistellinganinterestingstorytotheaudiencewhilelookingathisrighthand.Theaudienceislookingathimandhisrighthand.Buthislefthandisdoingthemagic.Thisiskindoflikethis.It'snotabsolutelynecessarytolookatthem,butdefinitelydon'tlookatyourhand!Andwhenyoubringyourhandtowardyou,don'tdoitbriefly.Don'tfinishthesentenceandstareatthemwithyourhandonyourchest,hopingtheygetit.Doitverybriefly.Justacoupleinchestowardyouforasplitsecondisenough.Yourhandshouldpauseforacouplenano-secondsbeforeitreturnstoyourside.Theideaistodothisafewtimesoverthecourseoftheconversation.Itshouldalsonotseemoutofplace,whichmeansnowisagoodtimetostartpracticingthis.Wheneveryouuseanyphrasethatyouhaveanideawillelicitapositiveresponseinyourlisteners,usethisgesture.Theanchor-self-pointsweep.Ifyou'veneverconsciouslyusedyourgesturesbefore,thiswillfeelverystrange.Thefirsttimeyouuseaself-pointanchor(evenifit'sforanano-second)itwillfeellikeyouareshoutingoverabullhorn:"HeyEverybody!Stopwhatyouaredoingandlookatme!Aren'tIawesome?"Butunlessyouareblatantlyobvious,fewpeoplewillknow.Infact,thefirstfewtimesyoutrythis,youmightthink,"Wowthistrickislame!Itdoesn'twork,theydidn'tdoanything!"Butrememberthepurpose.Thepurposeoftheself-pointistonotcauseanyinstantaneouschangeinbehavior.Itistoslowlybuildupgoodfeelings,overtime,inyourlisteners.Ifyoustartedtoday,andcarefullybuiltintheself-pointovertime,everybodyyouinteractwithwillslowlystarttohaveahigheropinionofyou.

Nobodywillgiveyoumoneyorstopyouonthestreetaskingforsex.Theresultwillbeslow,anditwillbesubtle.Butyouwillshiftfromhowevertheythinkaboutyounow,tosomebodythattheylikehavingaround.It'sbettertostartpracticingthisnow,sowhenyoufindyourselfsittingacrossfromapotentialloveinterest,itwillbenatural.

PushPullPush-pullisapopularlyreferredtotechniquethatcanbeeasilymisunderstoodandmisusedifonedoesn'tunderstandtheunderlyingmechanics.Itmustbeusedwithalotofcalibration,otherwiseitcanhavetheoppositeeffects.Pushpullishowpeoplewhoarenaturallycomfortablewitheachotherbehave.Friendsteaseeachotherandthestrongerthefriendship,theharshertheteasing.ThereisafamoussceneinaClintEastwoodmovie,"GranTorino"whereheisteachingayoungmalehowtobecomemore"male."HeistryingtoexplainhowWaltKowalski(Eastwood'scharacter)andhisbarberarereallybeingfriendlywhentheycurseeachotheroutwhentheyseeeachother.WhenThao,theyoungmancomesintotryandreplicatethisnatural"push-pull"behavior,hegetsitallwrong.Thisiswhatcanhappenwhenyoutrytousethecommonlytaught"push-pull"withoutunderstandingthemechanics.Imagineplaying"peek-a-boo"withababy.Youhidebehindapieceofpaper,andwaitacertainamountoftime,andthenshowyourface.Thebabylaughs,andthenyouhideagain.Ifyoucomeouttoostrong,orhidefortoolong,itwillruintheeffect.Thisissomethinghumansdonaturallyandnormally.So,thinkingaboutthisfromanobjectivestandpointcanbedifficult.Butifyoutrytouseanykindofpush-pullwithoutbeingabletoaccuratelyreadtheiremotionalstate,youcanuseitincorrectlyandnotreallyknowuntilit'stoolate.Eveninrelationshipswhenthecouplehasbeengoingoutforawhileandsupposedlyknowseachother,onepersoncansaysomethinginnocuousbutisn'ttakenlightlybytheotherperson.Onepersonishurt,theythinktheotherpersonshouldknowbuttheydon't,infacttheydon'tevenrememberwhatitwastheysaid,andanotherroundofemotionaldramaisborn.Whenusinganypushpulltechniquesintheearlystagesoftherelationship,youmustbeverycarefulandpayattentiontohowtheyrespond.Thesearebynomeansautomatic.Theyareverydelicate,justasdelicateasthewrongtoneofvoicetoababycanmakethemcryinsteadoflaugh.Withthatinmind,let'stakealookatsomebasicpush-pullideas,aswellassomebasicrulestokeepinmindsoyoudon'tendupworseoff.PushPullElicitsUncertaintyandScarcityHumanscanbetrainedbytherandomgivingandtakingawayofstimulus.Thisthesameprocessthatgetspeopleaddictedtogambling.Yougamble,andtheoutcomeisuncertain.Sometimesyouwinsmall,sometimesyouwinbig.

Sometimesyoulosesmall,sometimesyoulosebig.Therewards(largeandsmallwins)aregivenrandomly,sotheuncertaintyofwhentheywillarrivearecoupledwiththepositivefeelingstheyelicit.Thisistheidealwaytodeliverpositivefeelingsinordertotrainbothpeopleandanimals.Randomdeliveryofpositivestimulus.Ifthereceiverlearnstoexpectthestimulus,thentheylosetheirpositiveeffect.Thattheycomerandomlymakesthemmuchmoreappreciated.Itdoesn'tseemtopolitetotalkaboutpush-pullintermsofanimalistictrainingbutthat'spreciselywhytheywork.Theyworkunconsciouslyandinstinctively,tobuildinadesirethatlastslongerthantheperiod.Inanimaltraining,afteracertainamountofrandompositiverewards,theanimallearnstorespondonlytothecommand.Thefrequencyoftherewardscanslowlyfalltozero.Ifyouthinkaboutarelationshipthatbuildsrandomly,thesameprocesshappens.Recallourdiscussionabouthoweachothersubconsciouslypusheseachother's"pleasure"buttons,whichinspirefurtheractionwhichcontinuestheprocess.Hedoesthingsthatmakesherfeelgood,whichmakesherbehaveinawaythatmakeshimfeelgood,whichmakeshimbehaveinawaythatmakesherfeelgood,andonandon.Thesereciprocal"buttonpushing"happensrandomlyandunexpectedly.So,eachfeelsthatthereceivingofthe"pleasurebuttonpushing"israndomandhasthesameeffectasanimaltraining.Onlytheyaretrainingeachothertofallinlovewitheachother.However,it'shappeningsubconsciouslyandorganically,so"training"isn'ttheappropriateword.Wemightsaythateachisbeing"trained"bytherandomandunpredictablebehavioroftheother.Whenweuse"push-pull"whichisessentiallyrandomlygivinggoodfeelingsandrandomlyteasing,itwillhavethesameeffect.Thisisinlinewithalltheotherideasinthisguide,oftakingsomethingthathappensrandomly,spontaneouslyandorganically,andelevatingtotheconsciouslevelofunderstanding,soitcanbethenusedatwill.SpaceOuttheGoldenNuggetsThinkintermsoftrainingandanimal.Thegoldennuggetsyougivetoyourromanticinterestwillfeelwonderful.Whenyouelicittheirdesires,andfeedthembacktothemwithyourcommandvoiceandyouranchors,dosoverysparingly.Otherwisethey'llexpectthatkindoftreatmentallalong.Trytodoitoncepermeetinginthebeginning.Thisissomethingthatisverypersonal.Oftentheconversationswillbeveryspontaneousandwheneveryousenseyourpartnergettingclosetoagoldennuggetopportunity,youneedtomakesureyoutakeadvantageofit.Onewaytothinkofconversationsislikefishing.Letthemevolveontheirown,butalwaysbelookingforgoldennuggetopportunities.This

isthebestwaytokeepthemsporadic,toallowtheopportunitiestopresentthemselvesontheirown.Butwheneveryoudodropinanembeddedcommandandanchoralongwithoneoftheirmagnifiedgoldennuggets,besuretopaycloseattentiontohowtheyrespond.Ideally,they'llbemoreopen,andmoreoutwardlyattractedtoyou.Theideaistokeepthemeagerandslightlywantingtochaseyouonasmanylevelsaspossible.Theyshouldfeelamixofdesireanduncertainty.Adesiretomoveforward,bothphysicallyandemotionally,butalittleuncertainifit'stherightthingtodo.Tocreatethis,you'llneedtogivethemsomegoodstuff,andthenpullbackabit.MimicTheirPushPullFrequencyAllhumans,inthebeginningsofanyrelationship,speakandbehaveinpushpullstyle.Mostofthetimeit'ssubtleandnatural.Wemakesporadicjokes,andthenweareserious.Wesaysomethingalittlepersonalandemotional,andthenwetalkaboutsports.Wetalkabouttheseriousnessoftheeconomy,andthenwefretaboutanupcomingzombieapocalypse.Whenwe"getalong"withpeople,weusephrasesandmetaphorsthatdescribethisoscillatorybehavior.Pushpullreferstotheebbandflowoftheseriousnessoftheconversation.We"vibe"withpeople,whichsuggestssomekindofresonance.Weevenusetheword"resonate"whenspeakingaboutourunconsciousinteractionswithothers.Imagineabeautifulsymphonyinterruptedbyaloud,offkeypianonotebeingaccidentallyplayed.Thefrequencyofthatmusicalnotedoesn'tresonateor"vibe"withtherestofthemusic.Whenapersonshowsupinagroupthattheysomehowdon't"vibe"with,itcreatesthesame"outofplace"effect.Theeasiestwaytoconsciouslyleveragethepushpullideaistoletthemleaduntilyougetafeelingfortheirownfrequency.Considerthisanotherlevelofrapportinadditiontobodylanguagerapport.Whentwopeoplearetalkingandlaughingandfeelingopenandcomfortable,theyarenaturallyresonatingwitheachother.Ifyoucanmakeyourownfrequencyasflexibleaspossible,youwillnaturally"vibe"withmorepeople.Thisissomethingtothinkaboutwhenpracticingyoursocialskillsexercises.Theabilityto"vibe"withawidervarietyofpeopleisjustasimportantasbeingconversationallyfluentinasmanytopicsaspossible.AvoidFeelingOffendedOnethingthatwillkillanychancesofvibingwithanybodyisifyoufeeloffendedforanyreason.Fewpeoplepurposelysetouttooffendanybody.Butmanyofussaythingsoutofnervousness(wearetoonervoustothinkmuch

aboutwhatwearesaying,yetwearestilltryingveryhardtogiveagoodimpression)thatarenotnearlyascleverorwittyaswethinktheyare.Ifyouareinafirstconversationwithsomebody,bewillingtooverlookthesemistakesasgenuinemistakes.Givethemthebenefitofthedoubt.Relaxandopenyourselftotheirvibe.Onceyoufindtheirownresonancefrequency,youcanslowlymovefromafollowingrapporttoaleadingrapportandthenbackagain.Givethemonegoldennuggetperconversation,andpullback,andmakesuretheytryandfollowyou,conversationally,emotionallyandevenphysically.Thisisagreatwayverifythatyou'vegotthemonthehook.Justlikewithfishing,don'treelthemintooquickly.Understandthatthisisafishthatisgoingtolovebeingcaught.Ok,enoughwiththemetaphors!Let'stalkaboutpush-pullonamuchlongerscale.

PuttingitalltogetherWe'vecoveredalltheindividualskillsandtechniques,nowallyou'vegottodoisputthemalltogether.Themostimportantpartofallofthisisthespacebetweenthenotes.Alwaysrememberthatthetechniquesthemselveswon'tcreatethefeelingoflove.Themthinkingabouttheseemotionalandunexpectedfeelingsyoucreated,andyou,whenyouarenotpresent,whentheydon'tknowwhenyouwillbepresent,iswhatwillcreatethefeeling.Whenyouplantseeds,youneedtogivethemtimetogrow.Theywon'tgrowifyoukeepdiggingthemup.Whenyouplantpositiveemotionalseedsintheirmind,thepositivethoughtstheywillthinkaboutyou,theyarebestleftundisturbed.Considerthatinordertocreateorstrengthenorrekindleafeelingofloveinanotherhuman,threeingredientsarerequired.Thefirstisthefeelingsyougivethemwhenyouaretogether.Youhavetheskillstodothis.Youhavetheskillstotalktoanybody,elicittheirdeepestdreams,magnifythem,andthenanchorthemtoyourself.Youknowhowtotalktopeopleinawaythatwillmakethemfeelgoodbecauseofyou.Butthataloneisn'tenough.Thetwootherequallycrucialingredientsarescarcityanduncertainty.Theymusthavetimetorememberthoseconversationsandinteractionswithyou.Theymustthinkofthem,wanttoseeyouandexperienceyouagain,butnotbequitesurewhenitwillhappen.Oneofthecommonlytaughtdatingtechniquesistoneversettheseconddatewhileonthefirstdate.Thereasonthisisnotagoodideaiswhileitmaypreservescarcity,itabsolutelydestroysanychanceofuncertainty.So,doesimmediatelyrespondingtotexts.Evenifyoumustwaitanhourbeforeyourespond,forceyourselftowaitandhour.Butdon'twaitanhoureverysingletime,becausethatwillalsodestroytheuncertaintyrequiredtobuildthefeelingoflove.Ancienthuntersneverknewwhentheywouldseetheirladies,ancientgatherersneverknewwhentheywouldseetheirmen.Everydaywasdifferent.Nobodyknewwhentheysetouttohuntwhentheywouldreturn.Considerallthetimesyou'vefeltstrongfeelingsofattractionordesireforanotherhuman.Chancesaretheideaofuncertaintywasbuiltin.Youmayhavebeencertainyouweregoingtoseethemagain,butyoudidn'tknowexactlywhen.Evenifyourboyfriendorgirlfriendassuredyou(andyouabsolutelybelievedthem)thattheywouldcallortextyouassoonastheygotoffwork,notknowingwhenthatwouldhappen,andstillexpectingit,isawonderfulfeeling.Eveniftheuncertaintyistenminuteseitherway,thatuncertaintyisthespacebetweenthenotesthatmakethemusicsoundbeautiful.Ifyouarewaitingasingleminuteforthatknocktocometoyourdoor,

thatminuteofuncertaintyexplodesthepleasureoftheknockwhenitarrives.Pleasure-Scarcity-UncertaintyThelongeryoucanmaintainthisholytrinityoflove,thedeepertheemotionyou'llcreate.Whoevertheobjectofyouraffectionis,makethemfeelwonderful.Forgetyourselfandfindoutwhat'simportanttothem.Buildupthatgoldennugget.Anchoritandfeeditrightbacktothem.Thenmakeyourselfscarce,literally.Tellthemyou'llcallthemifyoumust,butdon'tsaywhen.Givethemawindowofadayortwo.Choosewhenyouwouldliketocall,andforceyourselftowaitalittlebitlonger.Whenyoutalktothem,talktothemalittlebitshorterthatyouwouldlike.Leanin,makethemfeelwonderful,andthenpullbackandmakethemwantyouandknowwhentheyaregoingtohaveyou.TheWillpowerDietNeverWorksWhenwesillyhumanswanttoloseweight,justdecidingisn'tenough.Assoonashungerstrikes,hungerwins.Every.Single.Time.Thisiswhyhungercanonlybemanaged,neverconquered.Thosethatsuccessfullyslaytheancientdriveofhungeronlydosobymanagingitwithplentyofforethought.Theypurposelyeatthingsthatfillthemup,butdon'thaveverymanycalories.Considertheromanticfeelingsisabilliontimeshardertocontrolwithsheerwillpower.Everyhumanalivehasmadethefatalerrorofthinkingthatalltheyneededtodowastoexpresstheirfeelingstotheobjectoftheirdesire.Onlythatusuallyhastheoppositeeffect.Intheancientdaysofhuntersandgatherers,ourhungerwasalwaysunfulfilled.Ourdesirestoexpressourlovetoourpartnerswasalsounfulfilled.Todayifwesatisfyourhungerdesireswithoutconstraint,we'llbetoofattoleaveourhouses.Equallydangerousisexpressingourlovedesireswithoutconstraint.Thiswillbeyourbiggestobstacle.Ofcarefullykeepingyourdistancelongenoughtoletthelovebuildinyourinterest.Butthatdistanceanduncertaintyisabsolutelyvital.Thelongeryoucanwaitnow,themoreyouwillenjoytheirundyinglovelater.BestDefenseIsGoodOffenseThemindcan'tthinkofnothing.Therefore,wecan'teliminatethoughtswedon'twanttothink.Butwecanreplacethem.Thebestwaytokeepfromcallingortextingtheobjectofyourdesireandprofessingyourtruefeelingsistoalwayshavesomethingtooccupyyourtime.Ancienthuntersandgathersandcharacters

inourfavoriteromancemoviesalwayshadsomethingtheyhadtodothatkeptthemfromtheirlovedones.Pacingyourroomandpurposelywaitinganhourtotextisasimpossibleasgoingtoanallyoucaneatbuffetandonlyeating300caloriesworthofvegetables.Dosomething,anything,shorttermorlongterm,thatwillmakeitimpossibleforyoutocontactthem,andtheyyou.Leaveyourphoneathomeandgoforawalk.Orbetteryet,chooseadayatrandom,everySundayforthefollowingweek,andleaveyourphoneathomeonthatdayanddonottextorcallanybody.Knowingthattheobjectofyouraffectionistryingtogetintouchwithyouandcan'twillbethehardestthingyouwilleverwithstand,butyoumust.Themoreuncertaintyandscarcitytheyfeelbetweenthepleasureofyou,themoretheirlovewillgrow.Getclose,makethemfeelwonderful,andthengivethemthepleasureofmissingyou.Ofbeingdesperatetoseeyouandthebriefhopethateveryphonevibrationsounditisyou.NeverTakeThemforGrantedItmaybetemptingtothinkthattheirloveforyouisset,andyounolongerneedtomaintainit.Thisistheworstpossiblemindsettokeep.Everygardenmustbetendedto.Anygardenthatisleftforlongwillbeoverrunwithweedsthatwilleventuallyovertakeandkilltheflowers.Donotletthathappen.Feelingtakenforgrantedisahorriblefeeling,don'teverdothattooneyoulove.Theirloveforyouisthemostpreciousofthings.Builditcarefully,cultivateitcarefullyandalwayskeepitinpristinecondition.Doingsowillrewardyouimmeasurably.

DailyHabitsIfyouarejuststartingfromscratch,thisisalottotakein.Thinkingaboutsomethingthathappensnaturallyandorganicallyisadifficultthingtodo.Somethingasnaturalasfightingcantakeyearstomasterwhenitistakenuptotheconsciouslevel.Learningsomethingasseeminglysimpleasplayingtherightkeysintherightorderonamusicalinstrumentcanalsotakeyearstomaster.Learninghowtocommunicateinawaytoelicitwonderfulfeelingsintherightpersonisahugetask.Evenknowinghowtosortfortherightpersonisbeyondthethinkingofmostordinarypeople.Whenitcomestomeetingpeople,andbuildinglifelongrelationships,thestrategyofbeingyourselfandhopingforthebesthasbeenadecentstrategy.Butmoreandmoreoften,thisstrategyfallsfarshortofwhatispossible.Whileitmaytakeawhiletomastertheseskills,whattheywilldeliveristhemostpowerfulthingavailabletoushumans.Alovingandsupportiverelationshipwithyouridealpartner.Thefoundationandcornerstoneofasuccessfullife.Wheretobegin?Inthischapterwe'llgooversomerecommendationsofthingsyoucangetstarteddoingtoday.SmallTalkWheneverpossible,startaconversationwithanybodyunderanylegitimatecircumstance.Thisisnottogetanyspecificbenefitorinformation.Thisisonlytopracticeinteractingwithotherhumans.Forgetaboutanyoutcome,andtalktoanybodywithinearshot.Nomatterwhathappens,eveniftheylookatyouasifyouarecrazy,youwillgetvaluabledata.Everysingletimeyouinteractwithanotherhuman,themassiveamountofunconsciousdatawillgointoyoursubconsciousmemorybanks.Themoredataregardingotherpeopleyouhaveinyoursubconsciousmemorybanks,themorenaturallycalibratedyouwillbe,andcanbe,withanyparticularindividual.Makeeyecontactandsmile,orsay,"Hi,"ormentionanythingaboutthesituationthatisworthmentioning.Shootforoneinteractionperday,regardlessofhowitstartsorends,andregardlessoftheotherperson'sopinionofyou.Thereisnowrongwaytodothis.Thereisonlydoingit,ornotdoingit.Bothareachoice.CriteriaAftereveryencounter,witheveryperson,quicklyseeiftheyhaveanycriteria

thatyouwouldlikeyouridealpartnertohave.Onlydothisaftertheinteraction,notbefore.Iftheyarethewronggenderorthewrongagebracket,thatisfine.Markthisdownas"oneinteraction,zerocriteria."Iftheyaretherightgender,andthatistheonlything,writeitdownas"oneinteraction,correctgender,nothingelse."Trainyourbraintointeractfirst,andsortlater.It'scommontohavecriteriafirstandonlytalktothosewhopassourcriteria(e.g.correctgender,agerange,sufficientattraction)butthatmeansweareonlychoosingtotalktopeopleweareattractedto.Thisisnotagoodideaformanyreasons.Oneisyou'llbetrainingyourselfthattalkingtopeoplemakesyounervous,whichistheoppositeofwhatyouwant.Youwanttotrainyourselfthattalkingtopeopleisnormalandboring.Also,itwillbuilduptheideathatyouonlytalktopeopleifyouthinktheyhavesomethingtoofferyou.Thiswillalmostguaranteethatyouapproachpeoplewiththe"accept-reject"powerrestingsolelywiththem.It'smuchbettertofeelthatyouhaveallthe"rejectaccept"power,andnobodyelse.Ifyoutalkfirstandsortlater,youwillalsostarttomeetpeoplethathavecriteriathatyoudidn'tknowexistedbefore.Themorepeopleyoutalkto,thericheryouroverallcriteriawillbe.Andsomebodywhohasastrongideaoftheirideallover,aswellasthe"talkfirstandsortlater"mindset,isaveryattractiveperson.MostpeoplewalktheEarthhopingtobeacceptedbyothers,youwilldeveloptheoppositemindsetandunconsciousenergy.MetaModelQuestionPracticeWheneveryougetanopportunity,putyourselfinthefollowingmindsetandaskasmanymetamodelquestionsasyoucan.Inthebeginning,youwilltendtofallinto"judging"or"interrogating"metamodelquestionsandnotrealizeituntilitistoolate.That'sfine.Practicewithyourfriends,andonlyaskmetamodelquestionsaboutsafetopics.Movies,food,andothersimilarlyleveledinterests.Seehowmanyquestionsyoucanaskthatgetlongerandmoreenthusiasticanswers.You'lleitherrunoutofideas,oryouregowilltakeoverwithoutyourconsent.Eitherwayisfine,butthemoreyoupractice,themoreyou'llbeablecontroltheflowofanswersbycontrollingthetypeofquestions.PracticeAnchoringBegintodaybylookingforanyopportunitytouseyourgoodanchor.Chooseananchor,andletthatanchorbeforeveryourgoodanchor.Whateveryouchooseforyourgoodanchor,practiceusingitonitsownandpracticeusingitwiththegoodanchor-selfpointshift.Themoreyoupractice,thesooneryou'llstartto

useyourgoodanchoraswellastheself-pointnaturallywithoutthinking.Practicetheanchorandtheself-pointbeforeyoubeginpracticingembeddedcommands.PracticeEmbeddedCommandsBeginwithinnocentcommandsthatfeeleasytosay.Tryforacouplewithineveryconversation.Juststepbackinyourmindwhilespeaking,andchooseacoupleofcommandphrases,andsaytheminyourcommandvoice.Practicewhenyouarealone.Readthingsandlookforshortcommandsandsaythemascommandwhenyoureadthem.CombineCommandsandAnchorsOnceyouarecomfortablewitheachontheirown,begintocombinethem.Startoffwithsimplecommandsyouknowmostpeoplewillgoalongwith.Makemoney.Leaveearly.Sleeplate.Onceyouprovetoyourselfthatnobodyisgoingtopointatyouandscream(likein"InvasionoftheBodySnatchers")whenyouuseembeddedcommandsandanchors,seehowfaryoucanpushwhatfeelscomfortable.PracticeFindingGoldenNuggetsOnceyouhavepracticemetamodelquestions,practicelookingforgoldennuggets,vagueideasthatrepresentpeople'shopesanddreamsandevenfantasies.Practicepullingthemoutandmagnifyingthemasmuchaspossible.Remembertobeextremelycarefulwhentalkingaboutthem,theyarefragile.Ifyoutreadonthedreamsofothers,it'ssomethingthatyoucannevertakeback.Becareful!GoldenNuggetAnchorsOnceyouareskilledenoughtoextractandmagnifytheirgoldennuggets,beginanchoringthemandfeelingthembackascommands.Thiswillmakeyouseemincrediblyattractiveandcharismaticregardlessofwhoyouaretalkingto.Ifyoualreadyhavearelationshippartner,youhaveabuilt-inpracticepartner.AlwaysJournal

Apowerfulwaytoenhanceyourskillsistoalwaysjournalafterthefact.Whathappened,whatwentwell,whatdidn'tgowell,andwhatyoumightdodifferentlynexttime.Journalingisagreatwaygetyourthoughtsoutonpapersoyoucanlookatyourideasobjectively.It'salsoagoodwaytoobjectivelylookatthingsthatwentwell,especiallyanyrelationshipsyouarebuilding.Nomatterwhatyoudo,evenifyoudonothing,journalingaboutiteverydaywillbecomeveryhelpful.Justwritingdownthatyoudidnothing,evenifyouhadanopportunity,willspuryoutotakeaction,anykindofaction,nexttime.SlowerIsBetterIfyouhavealoveinterestinmind,itcanbedifficulttokeepfromchargingahead.RememberthewisewordsofDaleCarnegie.Youcangetanybodytodoanythingsolongasyouconvincethemitwastheiridea.Loveisnodifferent.Allowthemtheluxuryoffallinginlovewithyou,andnotknowingifyoufeelthesameway.Ofwishingforyourtextandyourcall.Takeyourtime,andallowthatlovetogrowintheirmind.Satisfytheirdesiretogrowclosetoyouasslowlyasyoupossiblecan.Thelongeryoutaketobuildthedesireinthem,thelongeritwilllast.Eveniftheyarecurrentlywithsomebodyelse.Youhaveskillsfewpeopleknowexist.Letthesebeyoursecretweaponthatallowsyoutheluxuryoftime,andplanningandeventuallyvictoryinthegreatestbattleofall,thecontestfortheheartofanother.Thesloweryougo,themorecertainyourvictory.

FinalWordsYounowhaveinyourhandsasetofskillsthatcanmakeyouthemostpowerfulcommunicatoraround.Voltairefamouslysaid,"Givemetenminutestotalkawaymyuglyface,andIwillbedthequeenofFrance."Younowhavethatpower.Ifyoumakethecommitmenttopracticetheskillsinthisguide,youwillsoonhavetheseeminglymythicalabilitytocreateloveatwillinothers.Anybodywhofindsthemselvesinaconversationwithyoucanbemadetofallinlovewithyouifyousochoose.Practicetheseskillsenoughtofeelthattheyarereal,andthattheyliveintheworldofactionandbehavior,andnotintheworldoftheoreticalandintellectualunderstanding.Practicethemetamodelquestioningtechnique,theembeddedcommandsandanchoringtechniqueuntilyoucanusethemwithoutthinking.Justknowingyoucanusethemwillgiveyouanextraordinaryamountofconfidence.Eventhemostbeautifulhumanslookoutoveracrowdofstrangersandworryaboutgettingacceptedorrejected.Withtheseskills,youcanlookoutoveracrowdofpeopleandwonderwhowillgetthepleasureofyourconversation,evenforafewmoments,andwhowillnot.Anyconversationyoufindyourselfincanbeatimetopractice,atimetogivethegiftofemotionalpleasure,atimetofindthetreasurethatlivesdeepwithinallofus,waitingforsomebodywithyourskillstobringitout.Tovalidateitandmagnifyit,andputitbackwithdelicatepower.Onceyoudevelopthisskill,nothingwillbeoutofreach.Nojob,nosale,norelationshipwillevernotbeyoursforthetaking.Startpracticingtoday,andmaketheworldyours.

ContactWeb:mindpersuasion.comForum:mindpersuasion.netEmail:mailto:support@mindpersuasion.com

MindPersuasionKindleBooksPartyHeroLongGameDeepMindPersuasionVerbalAssassinSelfHelpFailConversationalBrillianceWhyGoalSettingSucksAttractivePersonalityWalkAwayPeopleTrainingPreFramingHypnoticCopywritingColdReadingDeepSkillsSellAnythingtoAnybodyMoneyInstinctRelationshipEngineeringHero’sJourneyPublicSpeakingHypnosisPartyHypnosisCommunicationMagicPresenceGuruTrapHallucinatingMindTongueFu

BetaMaleSyndromeSugarBabyHypnosisNLPMindMagicEgoTamingWeaponizedHypnosisWealthTuningLoveHypnosisSevenLawsofPowerSecretAgentPersuasionSexTransmutationCultLeaderZeroFearGameStreetHypnosisEntrepreneurialMindHypnoticLoveSpellsStopManipulationHypnoticSalesScriptsHypnoticSeductionSuperLearningHypnoticStorytellingEndSelfSabotageLazyWayPersuasionManifestMenManifestWomen

MaximumSocialConfidence

ObjectionDestruction

MindTriggers

CovertHypnosis

CharismaGenerator

LawofAttraction

NaturalInfluence

IntelligenceAccelerator

FrameControl

GirlfriendGenerator

EmotionalFreedom

MentalAlchemy

MoneyLove

Fearless

InterpersonalResonance