1

Karl Faase and Al Stewart

2

The Men’s Series Study GuideFirst Published 2010Copyright © 2010 Olive Tree Media

Published by Olive Tree Media IncorporatedPO Box 1007 Sutherland NSW 1499 AustraliaEmail: info@olivetreemedia.com.auwww.olivetreemedia.com.au

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form without the prior permission of the publisher.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version.

ISBN 978-0-9806266-3-6

Cover Design: Kristen Doran DesignTypesetting & Design: Jane FaaseEditor: Kaye ChalwellPrinted in Australia by Hyde Park Press, Richmond, South Australia

3

INTRODUCTION 5

ChapTeR 1 - MaRRIage 7 Talk: Karl FaaseGuest: Dr Cliff Powell(Clinical Psychologist, Founder Christian Psychological Services)

THE JOURNEY FROM BOY TO MAN TO HUSBAND 16Poem: Cameron Semmens

ChapTeR 2 - paReNTINg 17 Talk: Al StewartGuest: Colleen Hirst(Psychologist, Couple & Family Therapist)

ChapTeR 3 - FaITh 27 Talk: Karl FaaseGuest: Toby Hall(CEO, Mission Australia)

SWEET PSALM OF THE SWEET SHEEP KEEPER 37Poem: Cameron Semmens

ChapTeR 4 - sex & pORNOgRaphy 39 Talk: Al StewartGuest: Dr Amelia Haines(Medical Practitioner, Sex & Relationship Therapist)

ChapTeR 5 - DepRessION & aNxIeTy 49 Talk: Karl FaaseGuest: Dr Robi Sonderegger(Clinical Psychologist, Director Family Challenge Australia)

ChapTeR 6 - MID LIFe 60 Talk: Al StewartGuest: Graham Barker(Psychologist, Dean of Wesley Institute)

4

TWO MOMENTS FROM THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT 69Poem: Cameron Semmens

ChapTeR 7 - MaTes 71 Talk: Karl FaaseGuest: Jim Wallace(Exec. Chairman ACL, Ex-Commander SAS Regiment, Australian Army)

ChapTeR 8 - MONey & geNeROsITy 81 Talk: Al StewartGuest: Professor Ian Harper(Senior Consultant, Access Economics)

FISCAL FEVER 91Poem: Cameron Semmens

ChapTeR 9 - heaLTh 93 Talk: Karl FaaseGuest: Dr John Best(Medical Practitioner, former Medical Director for the Wallabies Rugby Union team)

ChapTeR 10 - WORk 102 Talk: Al StewartGuest: Rob Ware(Director, WorkWare Solutions)

THE OFFICE WORKER’S PSALM 23 110Poem: Cameron Semmens

ChapTeR 11 - FINDINg yOUR passION 111 Talk: Karl FaaseGuest: Daniel Petsalis(Homeless Support Services Manager, Mission Australia)

sUggesTeD ResOURCes 120

5

In the West, men and the Christian faith have a strange relationship. On the one hand they are the most prominent Christian leaders. Yet at your local suburban church, men are generally in the minority. Th e church has been losing men over the past couple of generations and it is having a negative impact.

Th e Men’s Series (TMS) is unsurprisingly aimed at men and at its heart, seeks to encourage men to build their spiritual lives. We don’t believe men are disinterested in issues of faith, rather we believe they are disengaged from the church. Th e Men’s Series challenges men to take positive steps in key areas of their lives.

Th is study guide is designed to be used in conjunction with Th e Men’s Series DVDs. Th e DVDs contain the complete TMS episodes but you can also choose to watch just the talk or the interview and question and answer session. Each chapter of this book has an edited version of the talk as well as highlights from the interviews and the poems of Cameron Semmens. At the end of each chapter there are discussion questions that can be used for individual refl ection or with a small group.

To get the most out of Th e Men’s Series we would encourage you to meet with a group of men to discuss the contents of each episode.

6

Purchase a copy of the Study Guide for each member of your group and encourage the group to consider the questions for discussion before you meet. When you do meet, watch the talk (and any other section of the show you may find helpful) and then work through the questions in this guide. The questions are not meant as a test but rather a way of starting conversations between the members of your group. You will probably find that you will gain as much from each other’s wisdom and experience as you will from the DVD.

Before you finish each group time, and if the members feel comfortable, take some time to pray with and for each other. Perhaps write some notes of each other’s prayer points and pray for each other during the week. There are blank pages at the back of the Study Guide for this. The impact of the series will come from both the content of the episodes and the depth of the relationships between group members.

Our hope and prayer is that you will see change and growth in your life from watching The Men’s Series. Our prayer is that this series will strengthen your character, build wisdom, enhance your relationships and deepen your faith.

Karl Faase

7

About 20 or 30 years ago it looked like marriage was on the way out. Recent statistics show that this isn’t the case. Marriage in Australia is at a twenty year high and divorce rates are at their lowest since 1992. Th e vast majority of people are in stable relationships and the majority of them are married. Th e process of marriage however, has changed. Seventy-four percent of the couples married in the last ten years lived together before they married. In contrast, in 1960 it was just 3%.We are also marrying at an older age; the average marriage age for women is 28 and for men it’s 30. Marriage is still diffi cult. Around 40% of marriages break down and those who remarry don’t seem to have learnt from the experience with a higher percentage of second marriages failing.

Men actually fare much better when they’re married. Most research suggests that married men are happier and healthier. After a marriage fails it’s often men who are lonelier, sadder and more unhealthy. It makes good sense for men to be married and to stay married. So it’s important that we work at improving and stabilising our marriages.

8

arriage is a special gift that should be treated with care. There are four things that a Christian man should not do in marriage and four things he should do. The four things to not do are: don’t demand control, don’t expect your wife to

stay the same, don’t take your marriage for granted and don’t believe that all disagreements are bad. The four ways to build positive and strong marriages are: set the temperature of the family, learn the best way to express love to your wife, be the right person and recognise the seasons in marriage.

The FOUR DON’T’sDon’t demand control in the family because you believe God has made you the head of the house! This is a recipe for disaster and it’s also a poor understanding of the Bible.

Don’t expect your wife to behave the way she did when you first got married. Many men are wondering; what happened to that fabulous woman I married all those years ago? What happened to the woman who always laughed at my jokes, watched me play sport, cooked great meals and always found me irresistibly attractive? We need to understand that relationships grow and change.

Don’t take your marriage for granted. Many men behave as if now that they’re married they can get back to their life. They think that all the loving, wooing and caring they did previously was only the lead-up work for marriage and now they can sit back and relax.

Don’t believe that disagreements are bad. The idea that a good marriage will never have an argument is crazy.When disagreements come up it’s a chance to work through the issues and grow in your relationship. The whole process needs to occur with the best interests of the other person in mind. You should behave with love and respect. It should be OK for your wife to disagree with you, challenge you, and pull you up when you fall short. A wife shouldn’t act like your mother and

9

treat you as a wonderful and brilliant boy. She should act like your wife and partner, somebody who is willing to disagree with you and stand up to you.

seT The TeMpeRaTURe OF The FaMILyIn Ephesians 5:23-25, the Apostle Paul says, ‘the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.’ This passage is not about ruling and controlling your wife. It’s actually demanding something much harder than that. Christ gave Himself to the church completely and totally in service. If you’re going to lead your family, you need to be the leader in service. You need to set the temperature in love and care and be the leader through your words and encouragement. Quite often within a family, rather than taking the lead in spiritual things, the men are the dead weight of the family, dragged along by a wife and often unwilling kids. You need to be more than just the leader in tasks around the house, you need to be the spiritual leader as well.

LeaRN The besT Way TO expRess LOve TO yOUR WIFeIf you’re going to build your relationship and marriage, you need to learn how to express your love best. Love is much more than a feeling and it’s more than any overwhelming inner-desire or attraction to your wife. The following Bible passage describes what love is. Paul wrote to a group of friends in Corinth and said:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

This passage makes it clear that love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action. Love describes what you do, not how you feel. If you only express love to your wife when you ‘feel it’, then you will be disappointed and so will

10

she. Love is a choice of your will. You need to express love in what you do, how you speak and how you behave. You need to find out how your wife likes to have love expressed to her and follow through with it. You also need to organise times when you can spend time alone with your wife where she has permission to tell you how you can grow as a husband.

be The RIghT peRsONA good marriage is about being the right person, not marrying the right person. Paul wrote another letter to a church in Colossi and said,

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14)

Once again, it is clear that love is something that you do, not something that you feel; you put on the clothes of the right approach and attitude to your relationships.

ReCOgNIse The seasONs IN MaRRIage Whatever season of marriage you are in, there can be times of tension. In each of these seasons it is possible for things to be absolutely wonderful or completely terrible. Firstly, as newlyweds you have to get used to what it means to always be together. Then, when the children are small, you’re both tired and stressed. In the teenage years there can be more challenges and tensions. Whenever difficult times arise you need to learn to hang in there and recognise it as a season, a short period of time. You need to continue to express your love and affection to your wife, be the person you were called to be, and be the leader of love within your family.

Karl Faase

11

...with Cliff Powell

hOW WOULD yOU DeFINe MaRRIage?Entering marriage means leaving your family of origin and your status of singleness. It means leaving the primacy of being a son and moving into being primarily a husband. On the good side, it’s a relationship of loving intimacy. One of the least flattering definitions is that it’s a life long commitment to an imperfect person.

WhaT shOULD OUR aTTITUDe be TO aRgUMeNTs IN MaRRIage?For the most part there will be disagreements. The crucial thing is whether or not you damage each other in handling these disagreements. A foundational task in a good marriage is to handle differences and disagreements without hurting each other.

Communication is very important in a marriage. As a generalisation, men are competitive by nature and are into a win/lose approach. We live as though winning the argument is the goal, tending to ‘go for the jugular’ and using strong language. It’s not uncommon for men to say things like ‘That’s not true! That’s a lie!’ But because the real goal is to keep a healthy marriage it’s important that we learn to use negotiable language. We need to understand things from a different point of view and use language like ‘I was under the impression that …’ or ‘I had the understanding that …’ This kind of language doesn’t pin the other person in the corner and leads to much better communication.

WhaT DOes IT MeaN FOR a MaN TO be The heaD OF The hOMe?The model given for headship in the Bible is the way that Jesus treats His church (Ephesians 5:23-25). The husband does have authority in the house. This is not a ‘bossness’; it’s the authority to take the

12

initiative to look after the people in the house. Intimacy doesn’t come out of control and forcing your authority. The biblical model is one of servanthood, where the husband leads by lovingly serving others.

hOW CaN NeWLy MaRRIeD COUpLes keep TheIR MaRRIage FIRM aND sTRONg?It’s important to make sure you have fun together. You should even program this into your lives. This is especially true as the children get older and work often gets busier. Also, never waste an argument! Take the time to stop and learn from it. There’s a chance both of you will grow out of it if you aim to preserve the relationship rather than trying to win the argument.

WhaT Is a gOOD age FOR MaRRIage?Rather than thinking of an ideal age, it is more important to think about our maturity. Men need to be at a stage where they have some level of self awareness and maturity. They also need the ability to meet the needs of the other person.

hOW CaN UNDeRsTaNDINg The DIFFeReNCes beTWeeN MeN aND WOMeN IMpROve The MaRRIage ReLaTIONshIp?Being aware of our differences is important in marriage. Differences don’t have to be a problem; they can create a richness in marriage. But we do need to understand these differences. Otherwise we are likely to judge the other person as wrong.We need to be aware that women are socialised very differently to men in our society. As a result, men tend to be more focused on problem solving than women.

Men need to learn to listen to their wives. Often women will see things that their husbands don’t. You need to let your wife tell you what’s going on. Also, men often think they need to launch in and fix a problem when often women just want to be listened to. It can be helpful to say, ‘Do you want my advice on this or do you want to just talk it through and have me listen and care?’

13

aRe sOMe MaRRIages sO TOxIC ThaT They CaNNOT be RepaIReD? There are some marriages that should not continue. If there’s domestic violence or sexual abuse or something of that order, then that marriage shouldn’t continue. But when a couple argues a lot, if they seriously want to make their marriage work better, they can do it. Both the husband and wife must be involved in this and they need to invite God into the process as well. Sometimes though, the husband or wife has walked away from a marriage. In that case, a time will come where the other person will need to accept that the marriage can’t be repaired.

hOW CaN We INFLUeNCe OUR ChILDReN’s aTTITUDe TO MaRRIage?No matter how old they are, children will continue to watch their parents. We influence their attitude by always working on our own marriages. We also need to continue working at building our relationships with our children.

14

We noted in the program that marriage is on a 20 year high and yet still has a very high rate of failure. What in your experience is the greatest challenges to making a marriage work?

Ephesians 5:25-33 outlines the challenge to a husband to “love his wife”. What do these verses tell you about how you should treat your wife?

Why is living in terms of Ephesians 5 so hard to do?

In what ways does your wife (or girlfriend for those not married yet) like to receive expressions of love? How have you grown in your understanding of expressing love?

15

After being married for several years and especially with young children, it can be difficult to keep intimacy and love in a relationship. What advice do you have for someone who is trying to maintain a strong relationship after several years of being married?

What have you learned about having a positive disagreement or argument?

Read through Colossians 3:10 -12. What clothes in this list would it be helpful for you to put on for the health of your marriage?

Marriage goes through several seasons. What season are you in? What are the joys and challenges of that season?

16

17

Th ere is nothing more daunting or more fulfi lling than being a father; it will cause our greatest pain and bring our greatest delight. In NSW to get a drivers licence, learners currently have to do one hundred and twenty hours of supervised driving before they can sit their test. It’s strange that this is what is needed to get a drivers licence, but to take on the role of a parent - the toughest and most infl uential responsibility of your life, the one that can do enormous damage or enormous good - there are no prerequisites, no training manuals and no log books.

I think every father should be made to listen to Harry Chapin’s song, Th e Cat’s in the Cradle about once a week. Every time I’ve heard that song in the last 20 years I’ve felt guilty. Except one time when I’d taken one of my children away on a father and child canoeing trip. On the way home, I heard the song on the radio, and I thought, ‘Yes, I’ve beaten you this time!’

18

t’s a great thing to be a dad. My strongest emotions, both positive and negative, have come out of my children. We make lots of mistakes being a dad, but the Bible offers some really rock-solid, one hundred percent advice for us. In Ephesians chapter 6, verse

4 the Apostle Paul says, ‘Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.’ There are three really helpful things in this verse.

LeaD & be heaD OF The FaMILyFirst of all, when Paul writes to the Christians in Ephesians he speaks to the fathers. Although it’s not politically correct, God expects fathers to lead and be the heads of their families. This is not the authority of some tinpot dictator, but authority that comes with the responsibility of loving, leading and looking after your family. So if you have children, you cannot just hand over the raising of your children to your wife. It’s a partnership that you’ve got to do together.

DON’T exaspeRaTe yOUR ChILDReNLiterally, this means don’t make them angry or frustrated by misusing your power. Throughout the fathering relationship, power moves from one side of the relationship to the other. When your children are toddlers you basically have all the power; you decide things like where they go, what they wear and what they eat. When your children are young adults, the power is somewhere in the middle and you will negotiate together when you’ll see each other. But remember that forty or fifty years down the track the power will be theirs; they’ll be choosing your nursing home and walking frame!

Here are a few ways that you might misuse your power. Firstly, you can put your children down and never praise them. If you’re on their case all the time, picking at them, then they’ll feel that they can never satisfy you. Praise them a lot more than you criticise them and that way, when you do correct them, they might listen. Secondly, if you hammer your children about something one day and then laugh

19

about it the next, the inconsistency makes them feel very insecure. Children need to know that someone is in charge and that someone needs to be consistent. Also, you can frustrate or anger your children by disciplining them in front of others. Feel free to praise in public, but discipline and punish only in private. Whatever their age, you must always let them keep their dignity, as the pain of embarrassment lasts a lot longer than physical pain. It’s also important to keep any promise you make to your children and to make sure that you are around for them. Someone will fill their heads with how-to-live values - wouldn’t you like it to be you!

Perhaps the greatest way to build anger into a child is to show favouritism. If you favour one child over the others you will hardwire anger and frustration into them. If you read about the life of Jacob starting in Genesis chapter 25, you will see how favouritism sowed seeds of self-destruction in his family. It’s only the kindness of God stepping in during the life of Jacob that repairs the damage.

bRINg ChILDReN Up IN The TRaININg aND INsTRUCTION OF The LORDIn the original language, this literally means to nourish and feed them. And the way you feed their soul is through encouragement. Words of encouragement help them grow and give them confidence. As you train and instruct, you move them from having no responsibility, decisions or consequences, to where they are young adults making their own decisions and are aware of the consequences of these decisions.

Disciplining your children means gently letting them know the consequences of what they do. If you don’t discipline your children it can be a disaster. In the Old Testament, Eli the Priest in Israel and King David were both hopeless as dads; they didn’t discipline their sons. This resulted in tragedy for their sons and families.

If you’re a Christian dad who follows Jesus, it’s your job to teach them about Jesus. You’re not alone, but you can’t subcontract it all out. Your wife will be a partner in this and there will be Sunday School teachers and youth leaders who will help you; but dad, it’s your job and you’ve got to do it.

20

bUILD IT INTO ORDINaRy LIFeGod directed Moses to teach His people to:

“Talk about God when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:7).

If Moses was writing that today he’d say, ‘Talk about God as you take them to sport and when you pick them up from music lessons and when you teach them to drive.’ Build teaching about the Lord into your family’s routine. For example, you could create a routine that after dinner and before dessert you read the bible and pray together. Make sure you know their lives and understand what’s going on. The more time you can spend with them, the better.

You can teach your children and set an example, but in the end they have to make their own decisions as they grow. You might be filled with heartache about being a dad, and fathering might not work out the way you’d want. All you can do is be the best dad you can be; to set the best example and to pray for them. But ultimately, they have to live out their own life because it’s their story.

Al Stewart

21

...with Colleen Hirst

WhaT aRe The key NeeDs FOR ChILDReN?There are four key things:

1. Love and security – this is about giving our children boundaries. It’s more than giving lots of cuddles and kisses or giving our children everything they want. It’s about helping them to know what the limits are, being consistent and helping them to feel safe.

2. New experiences – a building block of mental health is to be involved in activities and new experiences. These experiences should be both fun things such as soccer and netball, and giving things like visiting nursing homes or getting involved in charity organisations.

3. Praise and recognition – lots of research says that the number one drug proofing strategy for children is being recognised as worthwhile in their own homes. Praise needs to be genuine and earned. It needs to acknowledge hard work, success and resilience.

4. Responsibility – children need to be trained to be responsible.

WhaT Is The key ThINg FOR MeN as FaTheRs?The absolute key comes from Proverbs 22:6 which says, ‘Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.’ It isn’t so much about what we say to our children; the primary teaching tool we have is who we are and how we live our lives. Our children are watching us 24/7; they’re watching how we deal with relationships, how we deal with anger and how we deal with disappointment and frustration.

WhaT Is a FaTheR’s ROLe IN DeCIsION MakINg?The dad has the job of headship. He is the leader of the crew and should have that final position of decision making in consultation

22

and negotiation with the family. This consultation and negotiation is primarily between the mum and dad. The children are then given the opportunity to voice their ideas and opinions, but the decision making is done between parents. It’s important for children’s sense of security and stability that they know that mum and dad are in charge. In a Christian family, dad has the final say, but always with negotiation and in love.

hOW DO We Make sURe OUR ChILDReN LIsTeN TO Us?It’s all about building time with our children. One of the things that is chronic, particularly in the Christian community, is ‘hurry sickness’. We’re so busy at church that we’re having less and less time at home with the people we love and care about. Love takes time, so we need to dedicate time to being with our children. When we do this, they feel valued, important and loved.

WhaT sTages DO FaMILIes gO ThROUgh?There are four phases of parenting: the toddler phase, primary school phase, teenager phase and adult children phase. We often think the toddler phase should be the happy stage. But the scary thing is that the majority of people who come to counselling are in that phase. It’s when adultery, separation and divorce reach a peak. This is because parents are often so unprepared for their new life. We think we know what having children is going to be all about, but it’s a huge shock to the system. It’s the huge change factor that is so challenging; the lack of sleep, the lack of life as you used to know it and getting used to the new normal.

hOW shOULD We DIsCIpLINe OUR ChILDReN IN pUbLIC?The key thing is preparation. Firstly, before heading out, there needs to be the dialogue at home about the behaviour that is expected, the behaviour you don’t want and the consequences for that behaviour. Children need to know what the rules are; they need to know what’s expected and what’s not OK. Secondly, we need to put some discipline strategies in place. These can be similar to the ones we use around the

23

house. It might mean leaving the shopping trolley or sporting event and going home, or having time out in the car for five or ten minutes.

Is TheRe a pLaCe FOR sMaCkINg WheN DIsCIpLININg ChILDReN?If a small child is about to stick something into a light socket or power point, sometimes a tap, not a brutal bashing, actually does have a place for its shock value. But for many situations, physical punishment is about acting out in anger and there is no place for this.

WhaT aRe The TeeNage yeaRs LIke?The interesting thing about the adolescent years is that only ten percent of our teenagers go off the rails, the rest actually fare really well. Often the challenge for parents at this time is being sandwiched between our children wanting their independence and our own parents becoming more dependent. As well as dealing with our children, we’re also being confronted with our own issues of aging and mortality.

Consistent and clear communication is really important. This foundation needs to be established during the primary school years so that by the time our children hit adolescence they’re still respecting and listening to us. It’s important not to exasperate our teenagers or give them long lectures; when this happens they’ll probably just tune out.

WhaT aRe sOMe COpINg MeChaNIsMs FOR DeaLINg WITh a CONsIsTeNTLy DeFIaNT TeeNageR?It’s about consistently keeping boundaries. Around fifteen years of age is when the peer group gets really strong. At this age, teenagers have a sense of wanting to be an individual but also wanting to be like everybody else. This is the source for wanting to separate from their mum and dad. The best strategy is to not enter into warfare with your children. State your case, follow it through, be persistent and consistent and pray a lot. Between eighteen and twenty, you’ll start to get them back if you’ve done this tour of duty well.

24

hOW DO We DO DIsCIpLINe IN a bLeNDeD FaMILy?There are lots of issues in blended families. Children want their original family unit to stay intact. If families are breaking up when children are in their adolescent years, then all the issues of ‘not accepting the new family’ get caught up with the other adolescent issues that are happening anyway. There’s also difficulty in children accepting the new partners and wanting to be with their non-resident parent. A lot of blended families don’t make it because it is such hard going. The way to make it is to do lots and lots of communication and consultation. One of the things that can cause difficulty in a blended family is if mum and dad take different party lines. This feeds any fracturing in the family. There needs to be lots of discussions so the decisions are fair. It’s also important to present a unified front and to remember that you and your wife, the dad and mum, are still the decision makers; you’re the ones who work together as a team.

WhaT aRe sOMe sTRaTegIes FOR LeTTINg gO OF aDULT ChILDReN?The second most difficult phase of parenting is ‘the empty nest’, when our children start to leave. Most of us are going to struggle with saying goodbye but we do still have a role with them at this time. We need to continue the loving, mentoring relationship that has been developed and to be role models of how to be a man for our sons or what to expect from a man for our daughters. Again, it’s about maintaining those bridges and links with our children, spending time with them. That might mean less face to face contact and more phone calls and emails.

25

Psalm 139:13-16 says that God is the author of all life, ours and our children’s. How does the idea that your children are not your possession but ultimately God’s challenge your views and behaviour toward your children?

A key verse, regarding parenting, is Ephesians 6:4. How did your parents exasperate you as a child? What did you find difficult?

Do you find yourself repeating these same issues, or are you creating a whole new set, with your children?

Discipline is one of the great challenges of parenting. What principles of discipline are you basing your methods on?

26

Each different age bracket of child-raising brings its own challenges.What stage are your children at and what particular challenges are you facing?

In what ways are you seeking to help your children find faith for themselves? What are your challenges in that process? Read Deuteronomy 6:4-9. What principles here challenge you as a father passing on faith?

Pray for each other and your role as parent in your children’s lives.

27

It seems that in western countries, it’s become out of vogue, especially for men, to talk about faith. Researchers in Australia have found that people think it’s OK for people to be religious as long as they don’t get too enthusiastic or bother others with their beliefs. Yet men are still wired for belief and they’re looking for purpose and a deeper sense of meaning beyond the mundane nature of life, where they work, eat, sleep and go back to work again. Men need Christian faith.

David Murrow’s book Why Men Hate Going To Church (2005) is a great read. It challenges anyone who is committed to seeing men fi nd Christian faith. Murrow refl ects on a range of issues that keep men from church; from the boring and repetitive nature of many church services, to the ‘Jesus Is My Boyfriend’ songs and the very relational Christian talk we use. Murrow also reminds us that most men aren’t readers and they fi nd the academic nature of sermons and discipleship diffi cult to follow and understand because it’s not their natural way of processing information. Murrow points out that while the number of men in churches is dropping, the number of women is growing. In most churches, women outnumber men in all roles except as the minister, pastor or priest.

28

any men don’t take faith or belief seriously. At best they think faith is for wimps and losers. This is because so many men see themselves as getting on with the important issues of life, of making a success of who they are. They tend to

define success through accumulation and competition, following the old saying, ‘He who dies with the most toys wins’.

In his book Well and Good: How We Feel and Why It Matters (2004), Richard Eckersley explores what makes a good life. He believes that men in western countries are trying to deal with what he calls cultural fraud - ‘the projection and promotion of cultural images and ideals that do not meet human psychological needs or reflect social realities.’ He’s not writing from a Christian or any religious point of view; he’s simply saying that the idea that accumulation and individualism will leave us happy is just not true.

Eckersley goes on to say that all the research from around the world points to the same outcome; the pursuit of materialism does not bring happiness. It will actually bring dissatisfaction, depression, anxiety, anger, isolation and alienation. This means that if we pursue belongings and status for personal definition, we will find ourselves on a road to personal and relational disaster. In opposition to all of that, Jesus says, ‘I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full’ (John 10:10). The Christian life is about living in the way that you were created to live; finding fulfilment in your life and security in eternal life through Jesus.

The problem is the way that men often see belief and faith. Some see it as an admission of failure or intellectual suicide, while others see it as controlling and constricting. Men need to make a paradigm shift; we have got to stop thinking we know what something is like and be willing to see it in a different way. For example, to watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks in Sydney, you go down and watch them from the harbour. But if you’re in Amsterdam, New Year’s Eve fireworks are completely different. At midnight in Amsterdam, there are fireworks

29

going off absolutely everywhere; every street, every block, every bridge over each canal. The Sydney idea is that fireworks will be at one centralised place, but the Amsterdam idea is that they will be everywhere. To properly comprehend it, a paradigm shift about what fireworks are going to be like, is needed.

In the same way, we need a paradigm shift about how we view Jesus. There’s a story about Jesus in Mark’s Gospel that really helps to illustrate this. Jesus goes to a house in a small town called Capernaum. All the people in Capernaum know of Jesus’ reputation so they come to see Jesus. People are packed in and around the small house where Jesus is.

There are four ‘can-do blokes’ with a mate who is crippled and they want to get him to see Jesus. Nothing is going to put these guys off! So they stick their friend on a stretcher of some description and carry him to the house. They’re wise enough to know Jesus can help and they’re committed enough to their friend to help him, but they have no idea of social conventions or norms. When they get to the house it is packed. There are people packed in the rooms, in the doorways and at the windows. Not to be put off, they climb to the top of the house, dig through the dirt and mud of the roof and punch a hole through to the room below. They then lower their friend down at Jesus’ feet. Jesus looks down at him and says, ‘Your sins are forgiven’ (Mark 2:5).

By saying this Jesus shows two things. Firstly, having your sins forgiven is more important than anything. In fact Jesus is saying a tough thing; it would be better to go through life crippled and saved for eternity than the other way around. But Jesus is also making a point to the people that are listening around him about what’s most important.

‘Your sins are forgiven’ is a pretty strange thing to say. The crippled man may well have been thinking, ‘That’s all very well and good, but what about my legs?’ But others are also questioning Jesus’ statement, thinking, ‘Why does this fellow talk like that? Who can forgive sins but God alone?’ (Mark 2:7) This isn’t necessarily a critical question; it’s a wise and insightful one. Jesus replies to their unspoken question, ‘Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say ‘Your sins are forgiven’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk?’ (Mark 2:8-9). Jesus then backs up his claims. He turns to the crippled man and

30

says, ‘Get up, take your mat and go home’ (Mark 2:11). The man does as Jesus asks and walks out of the place with his life revolutionised and changed.

This event tells us several things about the person of Jesus. Firstly, He saw Himself as God’s Son. He understood himself as God coming into the world. Secondly, He owned the fact that He had a right to be God’s Son. It wasn’t like He woke up one day and thought, ‘Boy, I feel a little special, I’m God’s Son, who would have thought?’ The knowledge of being God’s Son was with Jesus all the time. Thirdly, Jesus knew that His life was about bringing forgiveness and showing people how to discover forgiveness.

The four men, who took their crippled friend to Jesus, knew that Jesus was a healer. They knew this because just a few days earlier Jesus was at the same house. While He was there, He healed one of His disciples’ mother-in-law and then, ‘The whole town gathered at the door and Jesus healed many who had various diseases’ (Mark 1:33-34). Early the next morning, Jesus was nowhere to be found. His disciples went off looking for Him and on finding Him said, ‘Where have you been? You’ve taken off, you’re a success, everybody wants to see you!’ But Jesus replied, ‘Let’s go somewhere else… so I can preach there also. That is why I have come’ (Mark 1:38). Jesus recognised that He wasn’t just a ‘healing freak show’, He was there so that people would come to know Him personally and into eternity.

Today, so many men think they know who Jesus is. They think He was a nice guy who said nice things and was a nice example for people. But Jesus was not nice; He was good, and that’s a big difference. Jesus does not call you to be a nice person; Jesus calls you to recognise your need for a new start, for your sins and failures to be forgiven and to refresh your relationship with God. Only Jesus can do that. Only He can bring you into a relationship with His Heavenly Father. Only He can make you right from now and into eternity. Only He will rebuild and revolutionise your life.

As you read this, here is a chance to respond to Jesus; not just to be a nice bloke but to actually find new life in Jesus. You can put aside the cultural fraud you’ve been living and choose a different way. Read the

31

following words and consider, is God speaking to you? Do you need to respond to the faith that God wants to bring into your life?

God I give my life to you today. I come, wanting a fresh start with you. I ask that you would change me from the inside out. Lord, I ask for your forgiveness for the way I’ve disappointed you and let you down. I accept Jesus’ death on the cross for my sin. Today I turn to You in thankfulness and receive your offer of eternal life. Amen.

If this prayer is something that you would like to pray, why don’t you pray it now?

Karl Faase

32

...with Toby Hall

WhaT Is UNIqUe abOUT The ChRIsTIaN FaITh?Everyone puts their faith in someone or something. The thing you follow is the thing that becomes your core focus in life. The words ‘faith’ and ‘trust’ can be used interchangeably and Christian faith is all about putting your trust in Jesus. What is unique about the Christian faith is that it’s actually anchored and based in the public events of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection and not on some unverifiable spiritual revelation that someone had on their own. The New Testament is spiritual teaching, but it is centred on historical events with historical documents that you can check out for yourself.

Real faith will show itself in how you live; if you don’t follow Him and live His way, you don’t trust Him. The difference between faith and legalism is that faith is about trusting a person and legalism is about obeying laws. When you live a Christian life and trust Jesus, you don’t obey the rules to win God’s favour. It’s the other way around. You do your best to serve God because you trust Him. Jesus says, ‘I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full,’ (John 10:10) so having Christian faith means you can live a full life. Jesus also says, ‘If you love me, you will obey what I command,’ (John 14:15) so having Christian faith also means doing things God’s way.

Having faith in Jesus moves you from realising that life is not all about you; it’s about other people and it’s about God. Once you’ve understood God’s forgiveness and you’ve got a relationship with Him, then you realise that it’s not all about you. Unlike other religions, Christianity and Christian faith is not about personal benefit; it’s about serving God and serving others. How are others lifted up? How are they benefited? If you believe what’s written in the Bible then that’s a 24 hour a day/7 day a week call to action. So faith is actually about getting up and doing stuff.

33

Why DO We NeeD gOD’s FORgIveNess? Forgiveness is needed because we have walked away from God. We have ignored Him and we’ve not treated Him as God. We’ve tried to be the king of our own life, and in the process we’ve rebelled against God. The Bible describes forgiveness in terms of debt. When you do something wrong to someone else it’s like you’re in their debt. Forgiveness is when the person who is being wronged cancels that debt. When someone does something wrong to you, instead of punishing them you can forgive them. Of course, forgiveness costs the person who does the forgiving. In the Christian faith, Jesus Himself cancels the debt or pays that penalty through His death on a cross. It costs Him to pay that penalty but for us, forgiveness is free. This is the essence of Christian faith; it’s not what we do but what Jesus has done.

hOW CaN OUR ChURChes beTTeR eNgage MeN? We need to encourage anyone who preaches, to preach to men. That is, preachers need to speak as if there are men as well as women in their churches, even when this isn’t the case. They need to consider the needs of both men and women when they preach and in the way that they preach. If preachers are going to say that Jesus wants their life, then churches have to give men an opportunity to give it. Otherwise, men are going to walk away because they’ll think Christianity is all about listening to cute love songs in church with no action and practical response.

Men like to be doing things so it’s important to give them projects.Generally, men are action people, so churches need to create a place where they can really do what the preacher is talking about. For example, there is a South Coast church that does backyard blessings, where they arrange for men to just turn up somewhere and have a working bee. They might do work on a widow’s yard or fix up a school playground. As they do these things they also get a chance to talk. Blokes want to make a difference, so whether it’s backyard blessings, taking kids on driving lessons, painting walls or going out on the Mission field, we have to give them something to do!

34

WhaT DO I DO WheN My aDULT ChILDReN DON’T aCCepT ChRIsTIaN FaITh? If your adult children aren’t living as Christians it’s important not to beat yourself up about it. All you can do is trust God and pray for them every day. Remember that whatever is going on, God is there. Keep believing, keep praying and keep living as a good witness to them.

35

David Murrow has written a book called Why Men Hate Going to Church. If you were asked to contribute to a book of this title, what content would you add?

What holds back your mates and men you are in contact with from considering Christian faith?

Many men avoid faith because they have bought into what Richard Eckersley calls cultural fraud. He defines it as ‘the projection and promotion of cultural images and ideals that do not meet human psychological needs or reflect social realities.’ What are some examples of this? Where have you found yourself falling for this cultural fraud?

If you were rating your own faith out of ten (1 being abysmal and 10 brilliant), what mark would you give yourself? List the top four

36

reasons that this is the case (either good or bad). Tell the others in the group those things on the list you feel comfortable to talk about.

a.

b.

c.

d.

What steps will you take in the days ahead to build and grow a stronger, more vibrant faith?

37

38

39

Th ere’s a writer who once said he knew he was getting old when he thought about death more than sex. Many people believe that the church thinks sex is a bad thing, only to be used for producing children, yet that couldn’t be further from the truth. Th e Bible actually celebrates sex; it was God’s own invention!

Th ese days, it is impossible to talk about sex without also talking about pornography. In the past, a man had to go out and buy pornography, but now it’s delivered to his home, offi ce or phone instantaneously through the internet. A Canadian study of 13 and 14 year olds found that 90% of boys and 70% of girls had admitted to accessing porn more than once. More than one third of the boys in the study reported having accessed it too many times to count and 74% said it was online.Th e Australian Porn Report (McKee, Albury and Lumby, 2008) found that 82% of users were men who were from all walks of life. It’s a growing and pervasive problem in our society and it has a enormously negative impact. However, sex is a wonderful gift from God.

40

n many different religions, even in large parts of the Christian church, sex is presented as somehow wrong or dirty; something to be endured rather than enjoyed. The good news is that’s not what God says. The Bible says that sex is created by God for us to

enjoy. This is made clear early in the book of Genesis; God creates the man, puts him in the garden, gives him a job to do and then makes a woman. At the end of the chapter, the man and woman are together and the Bible says, ‘a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame’ (Genesis 2:24-25).

Sex is about many things. It’s obviously about the creation of children but more than that, sex is about intimacy. The way that God has designed things, a sexual relationship is a key part of the most intimate relationship, the relationship between a man and a woman. God’s plan is that a man and a woman will bond in many ways; financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically. They join physically in the most intimate way, in a sexual relationship. So intimate that the Bible says the man and woman actually become ‘one flesh.’ God’s plan is that this happens in a life long, public commitment between a man and a woman – marriage.

We need to understand that God is good and wise and when He says sex should only happen in marriage, it’s actually for our good. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7, the Apostle Paul writes to the Christians in Corinth and says that married couples should have sex and have it often. The husband’s body belongs to the wife and the wife’s body belongs to the husband in the sense that they are to satisfy each other’s sexual desires so they can stay close to each other and stay pure (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). So gentlemen if you’re married, your job is to meet your wife’s sexual needs. Get to it, report for duty! By the way, if you meet her emotional needs first, and if you do that, you’ll do a lot more ‘reporting for duty!’

41

The sexual relationship is like a fire. When a fire is in the fireplace in the lounge room it’s warm, intimate and beautiful. But problems begin if the fire is taken out of the fireplace and put in the middle of the floor. Sex in a marriage is the same; it’s warm, intimate and beautiful, but take it out of the right place and it will cause great damage to people in many different ways. There is a lot of heartache and pain in the world because we won’t trust God in the way that we behave with His wonderful gift of sexuality.

In Genesis chapter 3, the man and the woman disobey God because they don’t believe that He is good and wise. They think they know better and make up their own rules. They try to take the place of God in their own lives, and this sin, as the Bible calls it, affects every relationship. Sin affects the most profound relationship, sex, because it mixes up a good thing with selfishness and power, instead of intimacy and commitment. The result is ending up wanting to use someone out of lust rather than be committed to them, loving and caring for them.

Basically, whenever there’s some sort of sexual activity outside of marriage, someone is getting used. It’s like saying, ‘I don’t want to bond with you emotionally, financially or spiritually but hey, I’m happy to use you physically.’ Of course, the world thinks that the idea of sex only within marriage is ridiculous. But there is so much damage when we step outside of God’s plan and ignore Him: sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, rape, adultery, family breakup, domestic violence, sex slavery, sex tourism and pornography. Like all sin, sexual sin can be forgiven because of Jesus, but it can still do incredible damage to us.

The ways that we damage each other are based on a selfish attitude towards sex rather than a mindset of commitment and intimacy. God is in favour of sex; he invented it. But remember that God is wise and good and He knows best. This is the context in which we should think about pornography. Pornography is a plague in our modern world today. It used to be something you had to go out to find, but now with the internet and iPhones it’s everywhere. It’s almost in the air we breathe. The internet is endless; in 2007 there were 420,000,000 adult web pages on the internet!

42

Pornography is sugar-coated poison; it’s sweet but it’s deadly. Pornography promises excitement, power and intimacy. What it actually delivers is emotional deadness because you’re not connecting with a real person; decreased excitement because it never actually delivers, and increased powerlessness because hiding what you are doing is not actually a powerful place to be. Pornography might make you feel good in the short term, but like junk food, it will kill you in the long run.

Pornography is evil because it removes intimacy from sex. It is also addictive, because it never delivers and men end up looking for harder and harder stuff. Sex becomes something you do to someone rather than something you do with the person that you’re connected with in a lifetime relationship.Whether you’re married or single, pornography will change the way you think about women and what you expect in a marriage partner. The appearance of the women in pornography has been altered by airbrushing or silicone, and their behaviour is far removed from real life. If you’re married, pornography will damage or even destroy your relationship and if you’re single, it will influence your expectations of what a wife should be like. In addition, it’s not good for a single man to ‘rev his engine’ in neutral! Not only this, but pornography damages the women (and men) who are involved as well.

It’s like we’ve got two tigers inside us: the good tiger who wants to do the right thing and the bad tiger who wants to do the bad thing. The one that gets stronger is the one we feed. If we feed the bad tiger with this porno stuff, it’ll eat us alive. But if we starve it and feed the good tiger, we will start to win. Pornography thrives in secrecy. To stop it we need to drag it out in the open. If pornography is your problem, speak to someone about it. Speak to an older bloke. If you’re a man who follows Jesus, talk to an older Christian bloke who can help you so you’re accountable in some way.

Taking this seriously means working out when and where you’re particularly tempted to look at pornography; it might be at night,

43

or when you’re alone, or when your emotional tank is empty. You then have to make the structural decisions so that you can beat it. For example, if walking into a DVD shop fills your head with pornographic junk, then ask your wife to choose the DVDs for you. Put Covenant Eyes or a similar program on your computer that will stop you going to particular internet sites, or tell people where you’ve been.

Whatever you do, take pornography seriously and deal with it. Sex is such a powerful thing for good, but it can really damage people when misused. God wants us to trust that he knows what’s best for us.

Al Stewart

44

...with Dr Amelia Haines

Why DOes sOMeONe gO TO a sex TheRapIsT?

The most common reason is ‘desire discrepancy’ which basically occurs in all couples. The first period of a relationship is called the limerence period. This is the period where you’re in love, love, love and can’t get enough of one another. It usually lasts about 2 or 3 years. After that, one of you will have less interest in sex than the other. This is what is referred to as desire discrepancy. In 80% of long term relationships, that’s the woman. Most men either push their wife through the door because it’s obviously her fault, or they come in together because they’re desperate to do something about it. A woman may also choose to go because she feels like there’s something desperately wrong with her.

You can do something about a desire discrepancy, but you can’t reverse it and make it go back to that limerence period. When the limerence period is over, it is important to nurture your relationship and sex life. Long term relationships can be fulfilling and sexually fantastic in a different way.

Men also often go because of pornography issues. Pornography is first and foremost a big time waster. Using pornography is often driven by anxiety. If a man is feeling out of sorts or bored, turning on the computer feels like a nice way to deal with something that’s winding him up. A lot of men go because they are either distressed about what they’re doing and how much of a hold it has on them, or their wife is completely devastated when she discovers it.

Many men also go to a sex therapist for erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Often in these cases their brains scuttle their bodies because they are thinking too much and they care too much. To have good sex we have to go into the parasympathetic nervous system. This system keeps us sexually interested, aroused and functioning.

45

But swapping to the sympathetic nervous system during sex will make an erection disappear or make you ejaculate too quickly.

hOW CaN We Make sURe ThaT sex Is a pOsITIve expeRIeNCe?Someone once said that men have sex to feel good about themselves and women have to feel good about themselves to have sex. This is largely true. It is one of the reasons why, if you’re nice to a woman, you need to be careful because she will become quite bonded to you. Men do have emotion feelings, but the physical does come much earlier for men than women.

WheRe CaN We gO TO geT gUIDaNCe ON sex?Unfortunately, today’s culture doesn’t provide many good places to go. Even though God is great on the sex thing, we don’t get much good information from churches either, so the best place to get information is from books. There are many good books available. Amelia and Greg Clarke’s book One Flesh: A Practical Guide to Honeymoon Sex and Beyond (2001) is an informative introduction to sex in marriage which explains the Bible’s teaching on sex, the practicalities of starting a sexual relationship and the kinds of problems which emerge commonly for couples.

Churches ought to get on the front foot and be positive about enjoying sex. Pastors and Bible teachers need to be brave enough to speak into the real world; the world where people are being constantly bombarded with sex. The church needs to be aware of the real struggles and difficulties that people have.

WheN Is IT appROpRIaTe TO TeaCh ChILDReN abOUT sex aND The DaNgeRs OF pORNOgRaphy?You should start pretty much as soon as your child is born. You don’t need to have ‘the big conversation’; you can drop in good messages all the time. Tell the friends and family that you trust that they can make

46

comments or jokes that will be educating your children as well. This is important because statistically speaking, by the time your children are about eight years old they will already have been exposed to it.

WhaT CaN DaDs DO TO heLp TheIR ChILDReN?Dads are particularly important. The way you interact with things you see on TV, what you speak about and the things you’re reading will have a profound affect on your children. When you treat a woman as if she has value, even in the small things like opening the door for her, this has a profound influence on your children. Dads are also vital to daughters feeling good about who they are. The way you treat their mums is their first understanding of whether or not they are of value. Even the way you respond to things in the media is important.

Is TheRe a CONNeCTION beTWeeN spIRITUaL CONNeCTeDNess aND physICaL INTIMaCy?The more connected men are with their wives in every way, the better sex is. So to be on the same page spiritually about knowing, loving and serving the Lord Jesus is a great help. It also means you’re both trying to understand God’s directions about sex and how to look after each other.

There’s a warning here too. Meeting and praying with someone of the opposite sex is a very intimate thing to do. In churches we need to think very carefully about who we pray with. Physical intimacy can follow emotional intimacy and often in marriages that are shipwrecked, men have already committed adultery with their emotions first. For this reason, it actually makes a lot of sense for men to only pray with men, and women to only pray with women.

47

Read Genesis 2:24-25. Knowing that God created sexual intimacy and the Bible celebrates sex in the right context, how should this impact our view of sex?

How have you, or do you, experience the power and influence of sex in your life as a male? In what ways are you tempted to misuse or mistreat that powerful influence?

Where do you see the misuse of sex damaging our community?

Where and when are you tempted to indulge in pornography?

48

Why is pornography “sugar-coated poison” for you or those you know?

Talk together as a group about how you can hold yourself accountable in maintaining strong sexual standards and resisting the allure of pornography.

49

In August 2005, John Brogden, resigned as the leader of the NSW opposition. Th e next day, police found him in his offi ce in a drug and alcohol induced stupor, his wrist slit. He was taken from his offi ce on a stretcher and fi nally ended up at the Northside Clinic.

A few years later, John talked about what it was like to be there. He was 36 years old, his career was in ruins and his reputation was destroyed. John thought that the darkness he was feeling would never lift. At that time, he was told that he would recover, but John thought the doctor was cruelly teasing him. He thought he’d never get better.

Depression and anxiety are a serious issue, especially for men. Th e leading cause of death, in men under 44, is suicide. In Australia, more people die of suicide than they do on the roads; four times as many men as women take their own lives. It’s not just an Australian issue either, the World Health Organisation estimates that in the year 2030, depression will be the second highest cause of disease, beaten only by HIV and AIDS.

50

t’s OK for Christians to be depressed. It isn’t a sign of emotional weakness or lack of faith. Depression can’t always be fixed with more prayer and doing God’s will. Followers of God do get depressed and anxious. In Psalm 13, the psalmist makes a very

dark and dour statement when he says ‘Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death’ (Psalm 13:3). Even Saint Paul, the great leader of the early church, reveals his anxiety when he starts his letter to the church in Corinth by saying: ‘We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death’ (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). It seems that Paul was so overwhelmed that it could have brought him undone. Depression and anxiety have many causes and men don’t have to feel guilty about admitting their feelings or experiences.

Christians can sometimes think that depression is a spiritual issue. But depression and anxiety happen for all sorts of different reasons. For example, in his book Status Anxiety, Alain de Botton discusses the pressure of the expectations that we live under. He explains that two hundred years ago if we were born as peasants we would live as peasants and die as peasants, and if we were born into wealth and privilege, we would stay in that privileged place. But with the freedom we now have to make ourselves into anything we like, we can become anxious if we don’t move forward and up in the world. We can also become anxious and depressed because of the busy and difficult nature of our lives. Added to this is the high number of relationships in our society that break down, leaving people feeling despondent and anxious.

Depression isn’t a new thing that’s a result of living in the 21st century. Not only are there examples of depression in the Bible, there are also instances where God responds to depression. 1 Kings 18 and 19 tells the story of God’s response to the Old Testament prophet, Elijah. Earlier in the story, Elijah had experienced a massive victory against

51

a large group of prophets and a pagan god called Baal. After winning this fantastic victory, his prayers for a drought to break are answered and he runs to the capital city filled with elation. On his arrival, his enemy, Queen Jezebel basically says, ‘I’m going to do you in’. After all Elijah’s victories, this is what brings him undone! Elijah walks into the desert a broken man. He sits under a tree and prays that he would die. He essentially says to God, ‘I’ve had enough Lord, take my life’ (1 Kings 19:4).

God hears Elijah and says, ‘Elijah, what are you doing here?’ Elijah answers, ‘I’m spent’. Notice that God did not say, ‘Elijah, man up! Suck it up man! Teaspoon full of cement! What’s wrong with you man? Just pray some more! I’ve given you great spiritual victories, the Spirit of God is with you, just try harder, pray harder, get it together!’ God’s response to Elijah is one of care, grace, mercy and understanding. It’s not one of judgment, it’s actually one of care. God didn’t take Elijah to one side and say, ‘Listen mate, when you get your life together, when you overcome this bad patch, when you spiritually get it all together, I’ll use you again’.

A fantastic picture of how God meets with Elijah at this time is painted in this story. Elijah is on a mountain and there’s a storm and tempest, but that’s not how God meets with him. There’s an earthquake, but that’s also not how God meets with him. Finally, there’s a quiet, still, small voice, and this is how God meets with Elijah. The voice of God speaks into Elijah’s heart and his life. God takes the initiative and meets with Elijah in his darkest moment and speaks into his life with care and grace and love. And then God gives Elijah hope. He says, ‘I’ve got more for you to do Elijah, I want you to move forward in your life. There are tasks I have prepared for you.’ God promises Elijah hope that is beyond his current experience; hope in a future, hope in life. God is saying to Elijah; ‘Have hope, hold on to hope, live in hope, I’m not taking hope away from you!’

Elijah feels like everyone else has given up. He thinks he’s the only one who didn’t bow down to Baal. He feels alone and anxious. But God doesn’t leave Elijah on his own. He says, ‘I’ve got a whole bunch out there to help you, I’ve got somebody who wants to be your right hand

52

person, I’ve got somebody who wants to stand next to you, I’m with you and so are all these people.’ God reassures him and explains that there are hundreds of people that haven’t bowed down to Baal. God cares for Elijah and encourages him, basically saying, ‘There’s tons out there that are with you, you’re not on your own and there are people there to wrap around you, to help you and to stand with you.’

Although God didn’t recommend that Elijah see a doctor or a counsellor, this extra help is available to us. In addition to the help of our friends and the people that love us, there is also medical help that we can access. Some Christians might say that as spiritual people we should just turn ourselves over to God and He will give us the victory. This isn’t a biblical approach. God treats Elijah with care, He meets with him personally and He gives him hope. He says there’s more for Elijah to do and then He says that there are people who will wrap themselves around him. We need to think about the people and places that can help us. Some of them will be people we know and love, and others will be people such as doctors that we haven’t even met yet. We should never be afraid to get help when we need it.

This is important. The greatest killer of men under 44 in Australia and across the western world is suicide. Men can get to a desperate place when there is no hope, no opportunity and no mates; when they haven’t talked to anybody, they’ve covered up how they are feeling and they are all alone. When these feelings arise, we need to help others and ourselves and follow some important steps.

1. DO sOMe seLF assessMeNTAsk yourself the questions: Am I just a little anxious or am I suffering from anxiety? Am I just a little bit melancholic or am I in a place where I need to get some help?

2. geT heLpTell others how you are feeling, don’t hide it from those that love you. Tell some people that you trust, and as you build more trust with them, share yourself with them. It’s OK not to be OK. You don’t have to have everything together all the time. You don’t have to be perfect

53

and wonderful and completely on top of everything. We need to get over being afraid of doctors. We need to get out there and get some help. Give yourself permission not to be OK and when you do that, get some help.

3. LOOk OUT FOR yOUR FRIeNDsIf none of this is affecting you and you’re on top of life and doing fine, then you’re in a great position to watch out for your friends. Know your friends well enough that if they ever move from feeling a bit down to a dark space, you can see it. Graciously and lovingly challenge them, ask them questions about how they’re going and speak into their lives. If we saw somebody out at sea drowning we would want to get out beyond the breakers and drag them back to shore. There are people drowning in the darkness of depression or being overwhelmed by their anxiety in our community and they need somebody to swim out and help them. God calls us to give to one another in this way.

Karl Faase

54

...with Dr Robi Mental health is all about emotional health and men often don’t like talking about their feelings. In Australian and other cultures, there seems to be only a couple of emotions that men will express: one is happiness and excitement such as when their football team is winning; the other is the kind of anger that they express towards the referee when their football team is losing. Apart from these emotions, men can feel ashamed for feeling worry, sadness, anxiety or depression. As a result, when men are struggling with their emotions they tend to struggle alone.

aNxIeTyWhen anxiety is used in the Bible, the original Greek really means to separate, to remove, to tear apart.

SWAP is a helpful acronym in identifying anxiety:

Sleep - Check your sleeping patterns – the first sign of anxiety is usually not sleeping properly.Worry - How much time do you meditate on the things that are negative and in the future?Anxiety - Are you paying too much attention to threat? For example, if you’re speaking in front of a large audience do you look out for the people in the audience who are upset with you, or disagreeing or falling asleep?Physiology - This is just a fancy way to say the things going on in your body.

DepRessIONThere are lot of similarities between anxiety and depression; the same psycho-physiological or brain/body pathway, the same hormones (cortisol) and the same neurotransmitters (serotonin) are associated with both things.

55

SPIRAL is a helpful acronym in identifying depression:

Sad - You have an unremitting sadness. There may or may not be an obvious source of my sadness. Pleasure - You cannot experience the same elation or pleasure you used to. Insomina - You wake up early in the morning.Remembering - You remember all the negative events, even when you do something great, one bad thing colours your memory of the event.Agitation - Agitation and anger can be symptoms of depression.Loneliness - You withdraw socially and don’t engage with others.

WhaT aRe The FIRsT INDICaTORs OF DepRessION?Everyone at some stage in their life will feel worried or sad, but at what point does this become cause for concern? The answer really is: when it starts to interfere with your daily functioning. If you can no longer function at work, if your relationships are starting to fall apart, if you can’t sleep properly and therefore your emotions are starting to spill out and people are starting to tip-toe or walk on eggshells around you, it’s a good sign that it maybe time for you to go and get some help.

It’s not a bad thing to get help. At every level of expertise, whether it’s business, sport or music, everyone has a coach or mentor. If you look at your life in the same way and you want to get the best out of your life, then go and speak to a coach or a mentor who will help you with the A, B, C of putting your life back together.

Why Is IT ThaT sOMeTIMes peOpLe NeeD MeDICaTION FOR DepRessION bUT OTheR TIMes They ONLy seeM TO NeeD COUNseLLINg?People often come into the psychology clinic with a clear cut belief about medication. They might want a referral to see a medical professional, or they might want to learn strategies without using medical intervention. It is important for anyone meeting with a psychologist to have a comprehensive and thorough assessment so that they get the right help. Often psychiatry and clinical psychology

56

work together. One difference between them is that clinical psychology tends to work without medication. Medication is sometimes a short term solution. Using medication can help to put somebody back on the rails, and then clinical psychology can help someone to learn the necessary life skills. Alternatively, if there is a chemical or hormonal imbalance, medication can be a long term solution that helps to right that balance.

Because of the stigma attached to taking medication, men often think they are weak if they need medication. However, in essence we’re either looking to promote the serotonin in our brain or, through a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, block the evaporation of serotonin. This is because if you get more serotonin in your brain then you will have a greater sense of wellbeing. There are natural ways to increase your sense of wellbeing, but sometimes people need the extra serotonin that comes from taking medication.

hOW CaN I heLp sOMebODy WhO’s DepResseD OR aNxIOUs? WhaT CaN I DO as a MaTe?Anxiety and depression are like being bitten by a snake. You don’t expect to get bitten, but when it happens you end up with poison inside your body. In anxiety and depression, the hormone cortisol turns itself into a special kind of poison. The first thing you need to do is calm down; slow things down, take a break and relax. But relaxation isn’t enough. Ultimately, you need the anti-venom which comes in the form of other hormones like endorphins, exercise, healthy living, eating right, socialising right and good quality thinking. Because thoughts are attached to feelings, thinking in a certain way will lead to a certain emotional reaction which is attached to our chemicals and hormones and there starts the SPIRAL.

A simple way for someone to help his mate is to find practical ways to socialise, engage and ask the hard questions. So you could give your friend a call and say, ‘I’m going for a walk along the beach at seven o’clock in the morning, do you want to join me and we’ll have coffee or breakfast afterwards?’

It’s important when you’re listening to someone talk about their feelings that you don’t turn their feelings into nice platitudes.You might

57

be tempted to say, ‘Everything is going to be OK or I understand.’ But you don’t know if everything will be OK. Rather than turning everything around, it’s important to accept him for where he is.

We should always be caring and encouraging and spurring our mates on to better their lives, whether it’s relationship or their mental health. Make sure there’s early intervention and prevention and an attitude of ‘If I support you, you can support me.’

IF yOU’Re COMINg OUT OF DepRessION hOW CaN yOU sTay WeLL?You need to tap into your thought process and ask yourself, ‘What am I thinking? What am I spending my day meditating on?’ Instead of nursing, cursing and rehearsing all of the bad stuff in your life, you need to be reversing it and dispersing it. You need to understand that you have a choice; you can’t control every circumstance that happens in your life, but you can absolutely control the way you respond. You need to ask questions like, ‘What do I do next? How will I approach this situation?’ It is important to see every challenge as an opportunity. If you start meditating on the things that are right and pure and good and just, there are tangible, physical health consequences that are your first line of defence against illness and disease.

58

What experience have you had with people suffering from depression or anxiety and how did you try to help?

What do you believe is the difference between someone who is anxious as opposed to someone who is depressed? (If you haven’t watched the interview with Dr Robi, it may helpful to watch that part of the DVD.)

Why do you believe there has been an increase in the number of people suffering from depression and anxiety?

Read through Psalm 13. How is this Psalm either surprising or confronting?

59

In looking over the story of Elijah (1 Kings 18-19) why do you believe that after such a great victory, he is so quickly devastated and broken in his spirit?

What is instructive to you about how God deals with Elijah(1 Kings 19:3-18)?

Is there anything in this story of Elijah that helps you consider how you would respond to someone you know who is struggling with either anxiety or depression?

60

You have just come out of a meeting and you’re walking towards your car when you see a fi fty year old colleague put on his helmet and leathers and throw his leg over a brand new road bike. He speeds off into the distance. Researchers suggest that mid life starts at about 45 and lasts for around 15 years. It can be a time of empty nests, stress, worry, poor health, sports cars and bad hair. It’s also a time when men might try to hang onto their youth by trading in their wife for a newer, younger version. But it’s not all bad news. In a study in the United States, mid life men reported having stable relationships, job satisfaction, good health, and fi nancial security. 72% of men rated their marriages as excellent.

Before the age of 50, research shows that 40% of men feel like they’ve achieved something special within the previous 5 years. But after the age of 50, this falls to just 28%. For many there’s a growing sense of disappointment. If we’ve achieved all our goals, we can get caught up wondering if that’s all there is to life. And if we haven’t reached our dreams, we can wonder if life has passed us by. Either way, midlife marks a period of change and uncertainty.

61

he American writer David Thoreau said, ‘The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.’ Where does this desperation come from? We want to feel significant. We want to make a difference, but by the time we get to midlife we can wonder if

we ever will. There’s a conspiracy of factors that can work together to make our lives miserable and make us feel sorry for ourselves.

Firstly, we start to slow down physically. As our bodies wear out, our sporting activity moves from the field to the television. We start to lose our good looks; our 6-pack gets bubble-wrapped, our skin gets saggy and we start to look like our fathers. But worst of all, we realise we’re going to die. We feel it within ourselves.

At home things are changing as well. Often our marriages aren’t that flash anymore. Our sex life doesn’t seem to be happening enough and sometimes not at all. Lingerie has transformed into flannelette pyjamas. Divorce, with all its heartache, is all around us. And then there’s parenting.Whether we’ve got toddlers or teenagers, life seems to be about worrying where our children are or driving them to hundreds of weekend activities.

Then there’s the weight of responsibility. We can end up stuck in a boring, dead-end job. But we know that we’ve got to stay because we’re still paying off our mortgage. Or we’ve ended up in a high-level job and it’s really stressful and we’re working long hours. We leave home in the morning feeling tired and get home more tired. Or somehow we can manage to be bored and stressed at the same time. Maybe worst of all, our dreams begin to die. We realise that all of those things that we longed for, and often didn’t tell people, are not actually going to happen. Finally, as we get older our options narrow. Suddenly we stop and think, ‘Hey, what about me?’

Brick by brick we’re locked in. Our marriages can be very ordinary, parenting is draining, we live with responsibility and our dreams have begun to die. So what do we do? Some of us rush out and buy a

62

red sports car or a Harley, or we dress twenty years younger than we should. Others drift into drinking or pornography to make it all go away. Or we do crazy and destructive things like adultery to make us feel significant and young. But most men just live lives of quiet desperation.

Jesus understands men and He calls us to follow Him. So often, the Christian faith is feminised; we put our Christian leaders in frocks, we sing ‘Jesus is my boyfriend’ songs, and we say being a Christian is about falling in love with a wonderful man. But Jesus doesn’t call us to have Him as a boyfriend. Jesus calls us to have Him as our Lord and Master. The Jesus of the Gospels is strong, brave, wise, compassionate and tough when He needs to be. On top of all that, He cares enough to die for each one of us.

In His death and resurrection, Jesus gives us the significance we are searching for. We actually find life in following Him in a completely counter-intuitive way that turns everything not upside down but right way up. Jesus says, ‘Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it’ (Mark 8:35). Jesus is saying that if we selfishly hold onto our life we’ll end up losing even that. But if we give our life to Him we will find a sense of purpose and significance.

We give our life to Jesus by serving Him and serving others. Real life is found in service, not selfishness. Our natural inclination is to find meaning, purpose and joy in serving ourselves. When we do this our lives begin to shrink. But by serving others we put the interests and the needs of other people ahead of our own and through this find a true source of significance.

Jesus calls us to find significance by being men who serve, men who look after other people; in our homes, our workplaces etc. The service Jesus calls us to is not about allowing others to walk all over us. In some cases, serving someone may even mean giving them a serve! It’s not only about being nice to other people either; there’s a great difference between being nice and being loving. Being nice is just smiling at people so they think you’re OK. Being loving is acting in someone’s best interest. One way that older men can serve is to

63

invest in the lives of younger men. We actually have some wisdom and experience that is helpful to them.

Trusting and following Jesus will make a huge difference in how we live. Let me quickly give you three ways it will change your life.

First, when we do this, we realise that He is the only audience that really matters. Knowing this sets us free. We too often spend our lives looking sideways, worrying about what others will think of us. We want the badges of success; the car, the house, the clothes, the travel. We need to learn to live with ‘an audience of One’ and know that He’s the only One we have to please.

Secondly, trusting Jesus makes a difference with regards to anxiety. We don’t have to spend our whole life with our guts in a knot, because we can know that Jesus will look after us.

Thirdly, once we really trust Jesus and understand that we find life in serving Him, then the ordinary things in life have real value. The boring commutes, turning up to work, the endless hours driving your children places, looking after your aging parents, caring for your wife, visiting the in-laws without complaining; all these things have value. As Jesus’ man, one day He will say to you, ‘Well done good and faithful servant. I gave you the job of caring for those people and you did it. It was boring and you might have died the death of a thousand commutes but well done, that’s what I called you to do.’

Following Jesus in mid life doesn’t mean that life’s going to be easy. Marriages might still be dull, children might still drive us mad, work might still be boring; but when we learn from Jesus to serve others and find life in that way, we will make a difference. We will make a difference in the lives of people now and in eternity.

Al Stewart

64

...with Graham Barker

WhaT’s gOINg ON FOR MeN IN MIDLIFe?Although each man is different, generally speaking it’s a season of change. Our work usually changes, our relationships change and our self-identity changes. There’s a lot of change throughout our lives, but midlife is particularly significant because there’s a realisation that life is half over. We start to wonder if we’ve met all our goals. Plus we start to lose all kinds of things: our ambition, our zest for life, our children as they leave home, even our hair.

hOW DO MeN RespOND TO ThIs peRIOD OF TheIR LIFe?Midlife is a time when men can emphasise recapturing the past or take on a new challenge and strive for new opportunities. Sometimes we will want to relive our youth. Sometimes we make a big change, like moving to a different kind of job or living in a different kind of place. Others among us try to replay our life. If we’ve had a number of successes and met a number of goals, we will rewind and try to do it again. Or we spend our time with regrets, replaying the things we should have done differently. For some men, this is the genuine regret of a bad marriage or a job they took because of parental expectations. For these men, this experience of regret can be a wake-up call towards making a positive change.

WhaT OppORTUNITIes aRIse IN MIDLIFe?This is the good part. To begin with, men get to renew relationships. When we’re young most of our relationships are competitive. We often don’t have close relationships because we’re so busy stealing things from everybody to make our own pile a little bigger. But once we settle into who we are, we can reconnect for the right reasons and our relationships can become really fulfilling. Often men’s visions change as well. As we get older, we can become contributors and put

65

our energies into giving back rather than continuing to take. This is described as the generativity stage. It’s the point in our life when we start to realise we’ve got to reinvest our life in the next generation.

hOW DO OUR paReNTs FIT INTO ThIs TIMe? Midlife is often the point when we start to worry about our parents and our children at the same time. We have to take on that responsibility and we know that our children are watching what we do. As well as that, it’s a time in our lives when we realise that there is value in caring for our parents. We understand the contribution they have made to our lives and we can take the opportunity to be part of their life in a new way. Of course, sometimes other things get in the way or distance is a problem, but as much as possible we need to step up to the plate and help.

hOW CaN We pRepaRe OURseLves FOR MIDLIFe?It is important for men to prepare themselves for change. Well before midlife hits we should begin to reflect on where we are and whether it is contributing to the long-term effectiveness and wellbeing of our life. We need to consider whether we are looking after our bodies, whether our relationships need some work and whether we can sustain the career path we are on. We need to work out our priorities.

WhaT ROLe DOes a sTabLe, LOvINg ChRIsTIaN MaRRIage pLay IN DeaLINg WITh a MIDLIFe CRIsIs?A stable marriage with strong support is really important in a midlife crisis. A wife will be able to help her husband through his midlife crisis because she knows him well enough to point out any illusions he has about himself. So if he comes home dressed like they first met and she bursts out laughing, she provides a great reality check for him. A wife can also be by her husband’s side when the roadblocks and the bumps hit. Some good, stable relationships are equally important for single men. These relationships can help steer a midlife crisis so that it is a time of opportunity rather than a time of challenge.

66

Men need other relationships as well. We need to learn to connect to each other better; to live our lives with each other and share more of ourselves. Then if we see someone we know heading off in the wrong direction we can help him out. We need to have strong enough relationships that we can confront each other when necessary and say things like ‘I don’t like what I see happening to you’ or ‘What on earth is going on inside you? Where did all this come from?’

hOW MIghT OUR vaLUes ChaNge IN MIDLIFe?By midlife we have started to grow up! It is often the first time that we behave as if we believe that following Jesus is what’s really important. We start to understand it at a deep, personal level. We realise that how successful we are is not nearly as important as how much we love our wife, how much we invest in our children and most importantly, how much we follow Jesus. In a way, it’s about taking an intellectual idea and making it a part of who we are.

67

Research suggests that men’s experience of mid life seems to vary. For those in the group in the mid life period or past it, talk about how you have found this period of your life.

In mid life there are changes in six key areas. Discuss how each of these areas has impacted you.

a. Slow down physically

b. Marriage relationship

c. Parenting role

d. Weight of responsibility – job, kids, parents

e. Unfulfilled dreams

f. Narrowing of options

68

What do you think are the unhelpful ways of dealing with mid life? Why are men tempted to make these choices?

In Mark 8:35 Jesus challenges us to give ourselves and our lives to following him. How does this challenge impact us in mid life?

Many men as they age, in and through mid life, become “grumpy old men”. Why do you think this happens? Why is it unhelpful and how can you hold each other accountable in this area?

69

70

71

Th e great Australian poet Henry Lawson once said, ‘Th e greatest pleasure I’ve ever known was when my eyes met the eyes of a mate across two foaming glasses of beer.’ Perhaps Lawson should have got out a bit more, but at least he recognised that mates and friendship are really important. Th ey change our perspective and make life that little bit easier for us.

Although friends make for an easier life, we live in a nation where loneliness is an ongoing problem. Lonely people don’t sleep as well; they are more likely to get sick with common ailments and they take longer to recover from major sickness. Mobile phones, emails, Facebook, Twitter and Blogs all make it easier than ever to be connected, but in actual fact, at no other point in time have we been lonelier. Th e loneliest people in the Australian community are reported to be women over 75. In second place, are men between the ages of 35 and 44. Research has shown that 20% of people feel so isolated that it’s a major source of unhappiness in their lives. Th e simple fact is that we need mates and we need to learn how to cultivate them.

72

sk a group of men who their friends are and a silence can fall as they realise that they have very few friends. We blame our work, our family or our stress. But often it is the natural pressure of men posturing and positioning in groups

that makes friendship so difficult. Often, the ingredients for close friendship don’t come naturally to us; we’re not open, we don’t listen and we don’t trust others with our friendship.

Men are said to experience strong mateship in both the armed forces and sporting teams. But in the daily grind of life we find it quite difficult to find this same camaraderie. We also don’t have good role models of mateship, partly because many boys end up living with their mums after family breakdown and primary schools are usually dominated by female teachers.

1 Samuel chapter 20 tells the story of the relationship between Jonathan and David. This story shows the importance of mateship and friendship. It describes the friendship between Jonathan, the son of the King, and David, who is the pretender to the throne. For Jonathan this friendship means risking his place as the next king, yet he chooses to commit himself to his friendship with David.

We need significant friendships with other men who will challenge us, build us up and help us to grow. There are five things that help us to build friendship among men; we need to overcome the desire for competition, realise we are not the most important person in the world, not look down on others, be honest with one another and learn to forgive.

OveRCOMe The DesIRe FOR COMpeTITIONTo overcome our desire for competition we need to follow the advice of the Apostle Paul, who wrote in his letter to the Philippians, ‘Each of you should not only look to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.’ (Philippians 2:4) The writer C.S. Lewis in his book Mere Christianity (1952) says that our greatest sin is pride. Pride

73

is based on comparison. Men aren’t proud because we’re rich; we’re proud because we’re richer. We’re not proud because we’re fast; we’re proud because we’re faster. That said, competition can have a positive place in our lives. But when we spend all our time competing to prove and position ourselves, we end up separating ourselves from other people and especially from other men.

This doesn’t mean we can no longer compete in sporting or other competitive activities. We can still enjoy these activities, but we need to change our focus. For example, running a marathon can be less about winning and more about enjoying competing in a team and celebrating the achievement of completing a really difficult event.

ReaLIse yOU aRe NOT The MOsT IMpORTaNT peRsON IN The WORLDAgain, going to the passage in Philippians, Paul says, ‘Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, consider others better than yourselves’ (Philippians 2:3). This is a very different way of looking at the world. In our consumerist world, it’s all about the individual; it’s about my bank-account, my life, my space, and what I get out of relationships. This kind of focus makes it very difficult to build good friendships.

DON’T LOOk DOWN ON OTheRsIn Matthew, Jesus says,

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5)

Jesus is not saying, ‘Don’t make judgements.’ He uses this great image of a plank hanging out of our eye to remind us not to be judgmental. We need to find ways we can talk to other people to show we

74

understand where they are at and what is going on in their life. Jesus is reminding us that instead of judging and criticising others we need to find a way to build each other up.

be hONesT WITh ONe aNOTheRIn mateship there needs to be real honesty. At the end of Matthew chapter 7, Jesus says to look out for wolves in sheep’s clothing. When we recognise that someone is ‘a wolf in sheep’s clothing’ we may have to confront one another. There may be times when we have to make judgments about situations and be honest with our friends.This can even mean going to a friend and dealing with an issue. Jesus emphasises this in Matthew chapter 18 when He says, ‘If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.’ Being a good mate means being willing to honestly confront your friend when it is necessary.

Bill Hybels talks about ‘last 10% conversations’. He says that we are happy to share 90% of our lives with others, but it is the last 10% that we need to work at sharing. These last 10% conversations are about the things that we don’t want to say; the painful and difficult things about our lives. Although they are tough, when we have these last 10% conversations we build close friendships with other men. Obviously we also need to learn to celebrate, be positive and say the best things about people, but the last 10% conversations are vital in honest relationships.

LeaRN TO FORgIveWe all make mistakes, let other people down and say dumb stuff. Because of this, we need both forgiveness and to forgive others. When teaching his followers how to pray, Jesus says, ‘Forgive our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors’ (Matthew 6:12). A couple of verses later He says, ‘For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your heavenly Father will not forgive your sins’ (Matthew 6:14). This very heavy statement reminds us that God is going to forgive us with the same attitude and standard of forgiveness that we use to forgive others.

75

Mateship will always be based on our ability to learn to forgive in whatever environment or situation we are in. Simon Wiesenthal, a Jew who had lost 89 members of his extended family in Nazi Germany, was asked by a dying SS Officer for forgiveness. He was unable to give it. After this, he went on to write about this experience and question whether he had done the right thing. Although this is a difficult example of forgiveness, it comes down to the heart of what it is to be a mate: to learn to forgive.

Jesus gives us a great example of the level of forgiveness that we need in our friendships. Jesus chose to invest His time in twelve men. And yet, in His moment of greatest need they all deserted Him. Later Jesus went on to reinstate them. He forgives them and gives them an incredibly important place in the future of the church. The church exists today because Jesus forgave those men.

We need male friends. We need them to stand with us, we need them to encourage us, we need to love them enough to confront them and allow them to confront us. They are a gift in our lives that should be fostered and treasured.

Karl Faase

76

...with Jim Wallace

Why Is MaTeshIp sUCh a bIg ThINg IN aUsTRaLIa?The nation of Australia was settled almost entirely by either male convicts or soldiers. From very early on, Australian culture has been about men getting together and trusting each other to beat a hostile environment. This has changed over time, but even by the late 1800s and early 1900s the rural areas were still dominated by men.Then during the two World Wars, mateship was an important part of survival. Australian soldiers fought to protect their mates as well as their nation.

The concept of mateship isn’t a selfish one. The men in Changi and the Burma Railway survived because of the selfless strength of a small group of mates. These groups of three or four men looked out for each other. They watched each other’s backs and cared for one another. In such places, mateship also helped hold the broader community together. In such an environment where food was so scarce that it would have been easy for selfishness, greed and jealousy to bounce in and destroy a community, mateship held them together.

IF MaTeshIp Is sO aUsTRaLIaN, Why aRe TheRe sO MaNy LONeLy MeN?Like so much of our other community values, mateship has become a casualty of the lives we live. So many things compete for our time. We need to put our families first, but then we need to develop a group of mates; men we can look out for and who we can trust to look out for us.

Men have to invest some of their life in mateship. We’ve got to decide to spend time together. Choosing to speak to your mates at a deeper level can be risky. But it is important to speak to a bloke about what’s really going on so that you can learn to really trust each other.

77

hOW DO I appROaCh TaLkINg TO a MaTe aT a Deep aND peRsONaL LeveL? Going and doing something together to make sure you’ve got some time to talk is a great place to start. Also, men tend to talk best when they sit side to side rather than face to face. If you want to talk naturally to a bloke, it sometimes helps to be sitting side by side with a beer or fishing rod, or walking side by side.

We need to have developed the friendship first. This means that we’ve got to have mates that we have built a depth of relationship with. That way, when something deep and personal comes up, our relationship is ready for it. We need to be careful with these relationships because the heart of any relationship is trust. This trust can be broken by gossip or a lack of loyalty.

hOW CaN We pRaCTICaLLy Make TIMe FOR FRIeNDs WheN TheRe seeMs TO be NO TIMe? It can be really difficult for us. We often feel such a strong responsibility to our children, our marriages, our families and our workplace. If it’s a competition between family then family should come first. But it’s still possible to schedule in some special times with our friends throughout the year.

There are also some seasons of life where it seems easier to build relationships. It is difficult to get mates in the ‘family factory’ season when the children are little. At this time, our family needs to be the priority. The challenge is to live purposeful lives in relationship with Jesus and with our family. At other times we need to work at our male friendships. We need to make them a priority. The basis of mateship is a shared character and a shared nature. Not all mates are going to want to go fishing or play golf. We need to find men who have similar characters, natures and interests to ourselves.

Having good mates will often help our relationships with our wives. When Christian men spend time together, they can spur one another on to love Jesus and to serve their wives and families. When their wives see this, they will be happy for their men to spend time with friends.

78

WhaT ROLe shOULD MaTeshIp pLay IN The ChURCh TODay?Bonding between men in the church should be better than anywhere else because Christian men share the most important thing in their lives: they serve Jesus and they serve others. Rather than drinking coffee after church and talking about nothing, we need to talk about stuff that really matters. We need to drill one another and share our struggles. A hand on our Christian mate’s shoulder can really encourage him when he needs it.

79

If you were asked to list your mates, those you connect with regularly, how long would your list be?

Why are mates hard to sustain in our lives?

What defines a good mate to you?

What are you doing to build the number of mates in your life?

80

Read over Philippians 2:1-11. How does this passage challenge the way you deal with and relate to your mates?

It is a Biblical imperative to hold each other to account (Matthew 18:15-17). Why is this so hard to do? What do we do instead of confronting our friends?

Talk about a recent confrontation you have had with a mate. How did it go?

Is there anyone you have had trouble forgiving? Pray as a group for the ability to forgive.

81

Money isn’t just a neutral commodity; it’s a way of defi ning ourselves and a source of competition. Nelson Rockefeller, the forty-fi rst American Vice-President and philanthropist, was once asked, ‘How much money is enough?’ He reportedly replied, ‘Just a little more.’ When Gordon Gekko, a character from the 1980s fi lm Wall Street, was challenged to explain how much money is enough, he replied, ‘It’s not about money; it’s about winning and losing.’

In contrast, the Bible often talks about money as a blessing from God. While money is a gift from God, Jesus told his followers that they can’t serve God and money. Money is always vying for our attention; it can be a rival to God. We want more because everyone else seems to have more. We strain to be in a fi nancial position just beyond our grasp. Th e problem is, we take a good thing and turn it into a god.

82

rnold Schwarzenegger to Oprah Winfrey: “Oprah, I have to tell you that money doesn’t bring happiness. I now have $50 million and I’m no happier than when I had $48 million!” Arnie was laughing at us all. We say money doesn’t bring

happiness, but we don’t actually believe that. Wouldn’t you like a truck load to find out for yourself?

The Bible says alot about money. Here’s three pieces of wisdom about money and how it can be your servant and not your master:

MONey CaN be seDUCTIveThe Bible contains a lot of teaching about money. Money is a good thing because it means you can get things done, but in Luke chapter 12, verse 15, Jesus warns us, ‘Watch out, be on your guard against all kinds of greed. A man’s life does not exist in the abundance of his possessions.’ Jesus defines greed as the belief that life is about the abundance of possessions. Greed is based on the idea that if we have more stuff we’ll be happier, feel more important and be more secure.

Jesus taught more about money than He did about sex. This is because money is actually more seductive than sex. If you’re involved in sexual sin, you know it! If you’re greedy, it’s a blind spot for us, its more subtle. But we need to look out for greed because it is what tears our world apart. It’s why half of all people go to bed hungry while the other half struggle with obesity. It’s why we sacrifice our time, our families, our health and our friendships, because if we just have a little more money and the stuff it buys, we believe life will be better.

TRUsT gOD NOT MONeyThe Bible also describes the right attitude towards money. In 1 Timothy 6:17, the Apostle Paul writes to his young lieutenant Timothy and says, ‘Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us

83

with everything for our enjoyment.’ We might be tempted to ignore this verse, thinking we are not the rich people that God is talking to. But by world standards we are incredibly rich. In 2007, the United Nations published statistics showing that 80% of humanity lives on less than $10 per day. Anyone who owns a television or has a surplus of any kind of discretionary income is rich by world standards.

Paul warns us that we must choose whether we put our hope and trust in money or in God. Money can make us feel important, significant and secure. The right car or boat, dressing the right way, or having the right house, technology or holidays can end up as the badges of our success. But money is seductive and if we love it, we will always want more of it. Instead, Paul encourages us to put our hope in God who richly provides us with everything we need. How can you tell if your hope is in God or in money? The answer is simple, can you be generous?

be geNeROUs Australians are now three times wealthier than we were in the 1950s and seven times wealthier than we were one hundred years ago. And yet the average Australian family gives less than one dollar per day to charity. We feel like we can’t give much away because there’s never enough money. Why? Our standard of living keeps creeping up. Yesterday’s luxuries become today’s necessities. We just get used to the luxuries and take them for granted. This is the result of money being our master and not our servant. Paul reminds us to be generous and willing to share.

In fact, when we realise that our security and importance come from God rather than money, we can actually enjoy money more. In 1 Timothy 6:18, Paul says to the rich, ‘Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds and to be generous and willing to share.’ Money is a good servant but a bad master. We can tell if money is our servant if we are generous and willing to share. That is what God calls us to do.

If you’re still not sure whether money is your slave or master, ask yourself which is the one possession you couldn’t loan to someone.

84

Perhaps it’s your car, or golf clubs or computer. Whatever it is, ask yourself, do you own it, or does it own you? Jesus says it’s better to give than to receive. Maybe you should try giving a whole lot of money away to someone or to something. It’s actually fun! Trust Him. Try it and see. Jesus also calls us to generously invest in mission, to help Gospel workers share the good news of Jesus throughout the world.

The way we spend our money reflects what we believe about God and eternity. Understanding that everything we own comes from God will help us to change the way we see our possessions. When we are generous and willing to share, we ‘lay up treasure for ourselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that we may take hold of the life that is truly life’ (1 Timothy 6:19). What the New Testament teaches is that what we do with our money now shows what we believe about the future. If we can use our money generously now, we’ll actually have greater riches in heaven. This does not mean that our generosity will mean receiving a Mercedes in heaven rather than a skateboard; it means that we’ll have enormous satisfaction and see the good that we’ve done.

Al Stewart

85

...with Professor Ian Harper

CaN We be NeUTRaL TOWaRDs MONey?Money can be all-consuming. When Jesus says, ‘You cannot serve both God and money’ (Matthew 6:24), He points to the fact that only one of them is going to be our source of meaning and purpose. If that’s God, then it’s great, but if it’s money then it will become your god. Because of this we can’t be neutral towards money.

Some Christians believe that money is bad, but this idea is not backed up in the Bible. Sometimes 1 Timothy 6:10 is misquoted by saying that ‘money is the root of all evil’ when the verse actually says, ‘The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.’ This verse acknowledges the role that money plays in the evil things people do. But money itself is not evil. Even when Zacchaeus chooses to give away half of his possessions to the poor, Jesus doesn’t force him to give the rest away.The Bible’s message is clear that it is wrong to make money the god that we worship.

hOW Is MONey aND gOD’s bLessINg CONNeCTeD?The Bible is full of references to poverty being a bad thing. It certainly doesn’t say that to get God’s blessing you have to give everything away, nor does it say that if you’ve become fabulously wealthy that it’s a sign of God’s blessing.

God blesses us in many different ways, not just with money. If a Christian is blessed it is important to acknowledge that this blessing comes from God. It is then important that we work out how this blessing can be used to serve Him. If the blessing is money, then we need to work out how we will use it. Whatever we choose to do, we need to be responsible with our money. We also need to be careful and make sure that our money doesn’t separate us from the concerns of those who have less than we do.

86

hOW CaN We Make sURe We DON’T geT CaUghT Up IN MakINg MORe aND MORe MONey? As men, we see ourselves as the breadwinners. We often think that the way to express our love to our family is by buying them lots of things. We can get caught up buying more and more things and we justify it by seeing it as supporting our family. Ironically, in the effort to make more and more money, we are often more and more separated from the people we are trying to support. Often what the family really wants is less stuff and more time with their father or husband.

DOes MONey bRINg happINess?Many people believe that if they had more money they would be happier. The Bible does not teach this and research also suggests that it is not true. In addition to money not making us happy, research shows that when we make more money we very quickly accommodate to a new level of income. Our expenditure rises and very soon, the increase in income is absorbed into our daily living. The good news is that the opposite is also true; if we deliberately simplify our lifestyles we will notice a big difference.

WhaT syMpTOMs INDICaTe ThaT MONey Is beCOMINg a gOD?We do have to be thoughtful and careful about money. A simple question is, ‘how much of my money can I give away?’ If we get wealthier and wealthier we should be able to give away a larger proportion of our earnings than before. If we have lots of money and are really generous, it’s unlikely that money has become a god for us. There is however a cost to doing this. There will be times when we want to spend our money like our friends do and we will be disappointed and even embarrassed that we can’t.

hOW DO We geT OUT OF The MINDseT OF TRyINg TO eaRN MORe aND MORe?As money can be a huge source of friction in a marriage we need to include our wives in the decisions that we make. The first thing we should do is have an honest discussion with our wives about these

87

matters. Often our wives will help us to realise that they are happy with what they have. We may have to train our children to have different expectations and this can be challenging. We need to be especially careful of ‘lifestyle bracket creep’, where as we earn more we begin to spend more.

hOW MUCh OF OUR MONey shOULD We gIve aWay?In the Old Testament the Israelites were instructed to give a tenth of their income away. It was like social security for widows, orphans, and the priests who didn’t have land. In the New Testament, rather than being told to give away a certain amount, we are told to be generous. Thinking of a tenth is often a good way to start. Perhaps as we are amongst the richest people that have ever existed, we could consider more. As God loves a cheerful giver it is important that whatever we give away, we give joyfully.

shOULD ChRIsTIaNs INvesT TheIR MONey?Investing money can be risky. We all need to work out how much risk we can live with and how much is appropriate to take. Taking risks is not ungodly; Jesus asks us to take risks with the Gospel. If we find it unsettling or if it tends to encourage us to gamble, then we need to stay away from the stock market and use bank deposits and debentures which have a fixed value and don’t vary too much over time.

When investing money it is important to ask what our motives are. For instance, if we want to grow our wealth for the purposes of giving, then it’s perfectly reasonable to run an investment fund for those purposes. But if it’s just about becoming wealthy for its own sake, then we are allowing money to be our god.

Deuteronomy chapter 8 says that the ability to create wealth is the gift of God. In many ways it is our society’s Christian heritage that has led to our ability to create wealth. However, we must always be aware of how seductive wealth is and how quickly money can become our slave.

88

hOW DO We aCT bIbLICaLLy as We pRepaRe FOR OUR ReTIReMeNT?It is entirely appropriate for those who can afford to provide for themselves to do so. In essence, if we don’t provide for ourselves someone else in the community will have to. But again, what we shouldn’t be doing is just trying to build up our own wealth to satisfy ourselves.

We should avoid investing in things that might be a good financial return but are unethical. Responsible investors need to be as clear as they can be about the sorts of things that are going on behind the scenes. Increasingly organisations like Fair Trade are auditing whole production chains to make sure that the right thing is being done at every level. In addition, we need to remember that chasing returns in the short term for the sake of trying to get ahead quickly is foolish from both a financial and ethical perspective.

89

There seem to be a few different views in Christian Churches about money: from God wants you fabulously wealthy to Christians should be poor. What is your view and where do you think it came from?

The Bible has much to say about money and wealth but does not treat money as evil and wrong. How does that thought challenge your views?

Jesus suggests that money is a rival god (Matthew 6:19-24) - that it demands our attention. How does this happen in your life?

Read through 1 Timothy 6: 17-19. Where do you find yourself putting your ‘hope in wealth’?

90

In considering the phrase in 1 Timothy “…. to be generous and willing to share”, how would you rate your behaviour against this challenge?

According to world standards, you are in the top 10% of the most wealthy people in the world. How does that knowledge impact your attitudes and actions?

In what ways are you, or could you, be sharing your resources to help alleviate the international situation of world need? None of us can fix this individually but we can make some change. What choices can you make that will make a difference?

91

92

93

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, men are less likely than women to seek medical attention, to take sick days or to consult doctors. Th ere’s a good side of this; we have a tendency to just get on with life and put aside ‘small distractions’ like health. But as a result, we’re potentially shortening our life span and certainly reducing our potential. It’s at our own peril that we fail to deal with our physical, emotional and mental health.

At every age range, men have higher death rates than women. We also have more serious illnesses and are more likely to smoke, be obese and drink too much. Only fi fty-fi ve percent of men reported that they regularly take part in sport or physical activity. Th ese days, we even move less; we use remote controls on our TVs and garage doors, we take escalators and elevators instead of the stairs, and we buy goods on the internet.

94

od has given us our lives, so each of us has a responsibility to look after this gift. There are four things the Bible says about health: we are created in God’s image, our body is a temple, we have been given the gift of time, and eventually we will be

raised in a new body.

We aRe CReaTeD IN gOD’s IMageRight at the beginning of the Bible it says, ‘So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created Him; male and female He created them’ (Genesis 1:27). God’s fingerprints are all over us. We reflect God in our nature. Our body is a gift from God and our bodies and our health are things to be treasured.

OUR bODy Is a TeMpLeIn the Old Testament the temple was a place where God dwelled. It was originally a tent and then later the temple that Solomon built. In the New Testament, with the coming of Jesus and the Holy Spirit, we see that the Holy Spirit actually exists within us. Apostle Paul writes to his friends at Corinth and says, ‘Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?’ (2 Corinthians 3:16). We have become God’s temple, so we should honour Him with our bodies by not using them for ungodly purposes. We need to treat our bodies with respect and care.

gOD has gIveN Us The gIFT OF TIMePsalm chapter 139 verse 13 and verse 16 says that God ‘Knit me together in my mother’s womb… [His] eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in [His] book before one of them came to be.’ In other words, even before we were born, God set apart time for each of us. Time is a gift in our lives and it’s a treasure that we’ve got to hold on to. In many ways, the length of our lives is set by the way we look after our health. For example, if we die from heart disease because of obesity, we are robbing ourselves, our families and our community of the time that God has given us.

95

We WILL be RaIseD IN a NeW bODyWhen the Apostle Paul writes to the church at Corinth, he says, ‘The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable… it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body’ (1 Corinthians 15:42,44). In other words, we need to keep our view of our bodies in perspective. They are temporary vessels that will pass away.

This means we have to be careful not to confuse health with body image. The two are quite different things. Recent figures show that in the last five years the market among young men for plastic surgery has doubled. Mission Australia recently reported that forty-five percent of young men are unhappy with their bodies, seventeen percent are dieting at any given time and three percent are using muscle enhancing steroids. This is because there is an over-focus on our body image in our society, that makes it more important to us than it actually is.

If the Bible says our health is important we need to do four things: not waste what God has given us, understand that health is a holistic issue, find balance in our lives and do the practical things that we know we need to do.

DON’T WasTe WhaT gOD has gIveN yOUBecause our life is a gift from God it is important not to waste it. We need to stop blaming genes and bad luck. Instead we have to be honest with ourselves and recognise that our own laziness and lack of self discipline affects our health. Once we have admitted this, we will be able to move forward.

UNDeRsTaND ThaT heaLTh Is a hOLIsTIC IssUeHealth is a holistic issue that is influenced by our mind, body and spirit. It’s about the way we use our time and where we place our focus. We need to make sure that we have real recreation and times of personal renewal. If we focus too much on one thing, we will miss the opportunity to get a sense of balance in our lives.

FIND baLaNCe IN yOUR LIFe Balance will change according to the different seasons of life that we are experiencing. Finding balance means understanding that for short

96

periods of time it may be difficult to care for our health. Like great sportsmen, we need to develop the ability to move between times of total and complete focus and times of quiet. Life isn’t one long smooth marathon where nothing changes; it’s a series of short bursts of energy followed by times of rest. It is important to monitor our energy and give ourselves time out and time off.

DO The pRaCTICaL ThINgs ThaT yOU kNOW yOU NeeD TO DOWe need to consider what we put in our mouths. We need to eat balanced diets, give up smoking, and drink alcohol sensibly and in moderation. In the past ten years, the number of obese Australians has increased by twenty-nine percent. Now more than two-thirds of Australian men are considered obese. Obesity is related to several physical illnesses like diabetes and cardiovascular disease. It’s a huge problem that we need to deal with by changing what we eat. We need to exercise regularly and work out what types of exercise work best for each of us. It might be going to the gym or doing something outdoors. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as the exercise we do lasts for at least half an hour every day and increases our heart-rate.

Sleep is also important. We need eight to nine hours sleep a night. This sleep should be on the front side of the clock. That is, we should go to bed earlier rather than sleeping in later. Get into bed early, as boring and terrible as that sounds, and get a good night’s sleep and wake up early. We should also have regular medical check-ups. Have one doctor who knows you well and see that doctor every year.

Caring for our health is not something to put off until later. We need to stop being lazy and become disciplined about our health. If our children grow up without us because we’ve gone to an early grave then this is a tragedy at every level. Good heath will help us in every part of our life; in our concentration, our family and our work life. We also need to look after our mental and emotional health. Take the time to find the things that will help you become more healthy. The result will be a positive and longer life.

Karl Faase

97

...with Dr John Best

FROM a heaLTh peRspeCTIve, WhaT aRe The key IssUes MeN NeeD TO LOOk aT?The main cause of death in Australian men in their forties is suicide, followed by heart disease, lung cancer and then stroke. The life expectancy of an Australian woman is 82 and a man’s is five to six years younger. The problem for men is that we’re lazy. We don’t attend to things that are reversible like smoking, physical inactivity, poor diet and lack of sleep.

WhaT has bROUghT ON The ObesITy epIDeMIC?We’re not quite sure. What we do know is that Australia is now one of the top five obese nations in the world. Overall, because we’re less active and more rushed, we don’t put aside the time to eat properly or exercise. We often skip breakfast, have something sweet to get us through the morning, eat something rushed while we’re working or have take-away at lunch and we may not eat at all through the afternoon. When we finally get home, we’re hungry and we eat a heavy meal after 8pm which isn’t digested properly.

All these things lead to a high calorie day with a poor balance of foods. As well as that, our biology can work against us. Some people are from families where they eat rubbish and stay slim, others are not so fortunate and have to be very, very careful of what they eat.

hOW DOes sLeep aFFeCT MeN’s heaLTh?In western societies, adults and teenagers sleep poorly. The World Health Organisation recommends that men should be sleeping for eight to nine uninterrupted hours per night. The consequences of not sleeping well are serious. Our immune systems and our ability to recover and be refreshed can be affected. This can affect mood and energy levels during the day.

98

When we have trouble sleeping we need to work on our sleep hygiene. This is basically the ritual that we follow in the half to one hour before bed. This is the time when a person gets ready to sleep. It may include having a shower, praying, brushing our teeth and reading. We also need to avoid anything that excessively stimulates us such as caffeine or conflict with someone. Without these good habits, getting to sleep becomes haphazard and it may be difficult to get through the first hour to two hours of sleep. This is necessary to get into deep, or slow wave sleep. It is during this sleep that the body starts to slow down, the hormones and chemicals change and restoration occurs.

WhaT DO I DO IF I aM Obese OR aM beCOMINg Obese?The first thing we have to do is admit we have a problem and then not be overwhelmed by it. It is most likely that inactivity and diet are the cause. We need to create some doable strategies for dealing with the problem. Lifestyle changes are better than crash diets or committing to exercise programs that don’t fit our personality or ability. All men should have a good GP who they can trust and have regular checkups with. This GP can also help someone losing weight to stay accountable.

We need to identify the kind of person we are and choose an approach to exercise that reflects this. We need to decide if we want to exercise alone or with others, how much money and time we want to spend and what skills we have. Regardless of the type of exercise we choose it is important that we spend around thirty minutes per day doing medium intensity exercise. When we are doing this kind of exercise we should still be able to speak in short sentences. We don’t even have to exercise for a continuous thirty minutes; exercise can be in blocks of ten minutes if this works better for us. This change can be as easy as getting off the bus two stops earlier on our way to work, walking in a lunchbreak or playing with our children.

Why Is IT easIeR TO pUT ON WeIghT as We geT OLDeR?There are two reasons; the first is that each of us has our own body clock called our metabolic rate. Whatever we do, we burn energy, but

99

our metabolic rate slows down with age. The good news is that we can stimulate it by doing physical activity. The second thing is that as we age we lose lean muscle mass. Muscle tissue helps us to do physical things, but it also burns fat very, very well. So the more lean muscle mass we have, the easier it is to burn up fat.

We can keep strong by doing strength exercises. Exercise with some sort of resistance will stimulate and strengthen our muscles. Once we have achieved a certain level of strength, we only need to keep doing the exercises about two or three times a week to maintain it.

Is TheRe aN age WheRe exeRCIse geTs DaNgeROUs?The health benefits of exercise extend into the twilight years. As we get older we do need to be careful with exercises that may increase the risk of falling. Degenerative problems such as osteoarthritis in knees, hips and backs are made worse by high impact exercise. People may need to change to lower impact exercises such as cycling or swimming. For this reason many people move towards water based exercises.

hOW MUCh exeRCIse Is TOO MUCh?There are definite danger zones. As a general rule, we need to be able to speak in short sentences. This puts someone at seventy percent of their maximum heart rate. This is called ‘moderate intensity aerobic training’ and is a good thing to aim for. If someone is over forty and hasn’t exercised for at least five years, it is very, very important to have a medical check-up first. Once the green light has been given, it’s a matter of making sure we stay within that zone where we’re not too breathless. If we can’t talk when we’re exercising, then we’re operating at about eighty-five percent of our maximum heart rate. If we’re not used to that, it can be quite distressing. We can end up hyperventilating, getting dizzy and collapsing.

100

How would you rate your present state of health?

What do you do on a regular basis that builds your health?

In 1 Corinthians 6:19, Paul refers to our bodies as a temple of the Holy Spirit. As those living with New Testament theology and under the grace of Jesus, how does this verse inform or challenge you?

Are there times when you, or others, have been too obsessed with your body or health? How should 1 Corinthians 15’s teaching about being raised into eternity with Christ impact how we view our health?

101

If you were giving yourself advice, what three steps should you take to improve your own health? Write them down. Share those you feel comfortable talking about with your group.

a.

b.

c.

How can you, as a group of men, challenge and inspire the men around you to take health more seriously or with a balanced perspective?

102

In the late 1970s and early 1980s, increased technology and prosperity led to an expectation that we would work less and have more leisure time. It was even said that we would only be working four days a week and there would be a new leisure industry for all our spare time. Th is isn’t the story; the Australian Bureau of Statistics says 50% of families regularly work overtime just to get their basic jobs done. Australia used to be ‘the land of the long weekend’ but now we’re ‘the land of the working weekend’. Email, Blackberries and iPhones mean that we’re never far from our work.

Th ere’s been a shift in expectation over the last couple of generations. Work is no longer just about money. Now we’re looking for fulfi lment and the opportunity to contribute. Th is expectation isn’t just for the elite or the very wealthy; everyone wants work to be more than just getting through the day. Over the last twenty years, other pressures have been added: all this leads to a confusing mix of expectation and pressure and an overwhelming fear that if we lose our job, we lose our place in society. Th ese are all issues that we need to deal with.

103

any of us have a love/hate relationship with work. Some of us really love it and can’t get enough of it, but for others, we want to smash the alarm clock when it rings on Monday morning. For some of us, our boss is a git, or

we’ve got difficult customers, or we’ve just been doing the same thing too long. For others there’s stress because we’re supposed to do the impossible every day. Whether we love it or hate it, it’s even worse to be unemployed; we’re actually built to work.

The Bible has a lot to say about work. Here are six quick things that the Bible tells us about work. Most of them will apply to everybody but the last couple are particularly for blokes who follow Jesus.

WORk Is gOODAlthough ancient Greek philosophers thought work in any form was evil, the Bible says work is good. Two things point to this in the Bible. Firstly, God made work before there was anything wrong in the world. In Genesis chapter 1, God made the world. In Genesis chapter 2, God made Adam and put him in the Garden of Eden. God then gave Adam two really good things; his girl and his job to look after the garden. That’s a picture of our work; to look after the world and to do something productive.

Secondly, we can know that work is good by what happened when God Himself turned up as Jesus in the Middle East twenty-eight lifetimes ago. Jesus spent eighty percent of his adult life working as a carpenter. Instead of thinking of Jesus with a George Michael beard, dressed in a long nightie holding a lamb, you need to think of a bloke with a nail bag, a flannelette shirt and a truck! We’re made to work; it’s a good thing.

expeCT WORk TO be haRDAt the beginning of Genesis, God puts Adam in the garden with Eve and gives him a job to do. But in chapter 3, Adam and Eve disobey God. They don’t trust him and it ruins every relationship in the world;

104

their relationships with God, with creation and with each other. One result is that this damages the man’s relationship with his work. He’s told thorns and thistles will come from his work and that it’s not going to be easy.

WORk IsN’T aLWays gLaMOROUsAlthough in the 21st Century we’re often told how we should work to fulfil our dreams, most of humanity have simply worked to fill their bellies and pay the bills. We can’t expect that work should be glamorous. Basically in the Bible, you work so you can eat. When the Apostle Paul writes to the Ephesians he says, ‘What you should do is work with your hands so you can be generous to others’.

WORk CaN be FULFILLINgSome of us are actually fortunate enough to enjoy our work. In the Old Testament, Ecclesiastes chapter 5 says, ‘If you can enjoy your work, it’s the gift of God.’ Some of us are in the right place; the way God has wired us up and the job we have means that we enjoy our work.

If you do enjoy your work and are ‘in the zone’, there’s a temptation to overload the significance you place on work. It can be tempting to make work the meaning of life and to invest all your identity in it. It’s good to enjoy your job if you can, but it’s a mistake to take good things, cross out an o and turn them into god things. Only God carries the weight of who we are and the meaning of life. Don’t invest everything in your work because when you do, God gets pushed aside. Remember, because of retirement, retrenchment and other changes, our work will finish one day.

seRve gOD IN yOUR WORkIf you follow Jesus you can serve God in your work. Whether you’re a rocket scientist or plumber, it’s not so much what you do, but how you do it. When Paul writes to the Christians in Colosse he says, ‘Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for men.’ In other words, whatever you do, do your best. Whether you work on a boom gate or you’re a brain surgeon, do the

105

very best job that you can. When you do that you’re serving God. Think about the gifts and abilities God has given you and work out how you can best serve Him and other people.

seek FIRsT The kINgDOM OF gOD We work so we can have things to eat and drink, things to wear and places to live in and so we can look after the people we’re responsible for. In some ways, these are a by-product of what we do. Jesus has called us, not to seek what we eat and drink and wear, but to seek first His Kingdom. By His Kingdom, Jesus means to seek for people to come to know Him as their King, Lord and Master. The way you treat other people at work, the way you behave, honestly and ethically will give Jesus’ Kingdom credibility with your mates. People will be ready to listen when you live the right way. When you speak about Jesus (and you should when you get the chance) the right life will give your words credibility.

Al Stewart

106

...with Rob Ware

We spend as much time at work as we do asleep, and at least 30 years of our life is spent at work. It would be great to line up all the ducks on the wall and get it right so we really are enjoying what we do. We can do this by thinking about our talents, skills and passion.

People are happiest when their talent and passion collide. If you imagine two lines, one going up for passion and the other going across for talent, then you’ve got four quadrants. When you’ve got high talent and you’ve got the passion there too, then you’re up in that top quadrant and you’re humming! If your passion goes down but you’re still doing the same thing, you’ll start thinking that you’re really over this and really need to do something else. Then either you’re going to make a change or someone else will do it for you by saying, ‘Hey, you’re not performing as well as you used to’.

Men don’t always make a work change when they should because of mortgages, family responsibilities and a fear of taking risks. There can also be personal expectations as well as expectations from the community and family that stop them. If a man does want to change his work, he needs to start by getting his story out. He needs to talk about how he arrived where he is in the workplace, then he needs to have some awareness and understanding of his core values and drivers.Finally, he can then take control and work out where he wants to be in the next five years.

Is IT WRONg TO FeeL WORTh FROM WhaT We DO aT WORk?No way! It is absolutely appropriate to feel worth from what we do. It’s an extension of ourselves and hopefully if we feel worth for ourselves then we should feel worth from the work we do as well. We will get satisfaction from work when we are using the gifts and abilities that God has given us. But work can become harmful when it takes on a life of its own. That’s when we lose perspective on the real question which is, ‘Where does work fit into my whole life?’

107

hOW CaN We sTOp WORk pRIORITIes TakINg OveR?Australians work very hard in terms of OECD levels. We need to stop and remember that there are other things in our lives besides work. Even though it often seems that more is expected from fewer workers, and there is pressure to work longer and longer hours we need to find a work/life balance. We need to be willing to talk with our co-workers and management about how we balance work and the rest of our life.

We also need to keep our work in perspective and prioritise our work lives. We can have trouble drawing boundaries around the demands on us, but that’s what we need to do. It is a good idea to have a career check every couple of years. This is really important if the balance gets skewed and we end up spending too much time at our workplace. We need to take some time out and ask, ‘What am I doing here?’

Why DOes OUR WORk geT sO UNbaLaNCeD? Men can begin to think that we are omni-competent; that we’re the only ones who can do the job. We can find it difficult to delegate because of a need to control our workplace. There can also be phases in our careers where there is a disconnection between family and work. Often the hard years of parenting seem to work alongside when we are very busy at work. But there are other phases where it becomes easier. Whatever phase we are in though, we need to always think about our family. This might even mean actually getting out the diary and scheduling time for the family.

WhaT aRe The besT MOTIvaTORs FOR WORk?We need to ask what things really drive us. These drivers will be different for each person. You need to sit down with somebody who knows you really well and answer questions like; what values drive me? What things are most dear to me? What things am I talented in? What do I find interesting? There might also be someone in your workplace who is a really natural career coach. You can also choose to speak with a career consultant to get some outside advice.

108

In Genesis 2:15 we are told that God placed mankind in the garden and gave him a job. Have you ever considered that work is actually part of God’s creation and a gift? How does this realisation impact the way you view your job?

Genesis 3:17-19 explains God’s judgement on humanity and the impact this had on work. What do these verses tell you about how our work is impacted by human failure?

Ephesians 4:28 gives us a picture of the necessity for work in our lives. How does this impact your view of work?

Work can be fulfilling. Read Ecclesiastes 5:18-20. In what ways is your work fulfilling and how could you help make your work a greater pleasure?

109

Colossians 3:23-24 says we are to work as if we are serving God, not our companies and bosses. How can this teaching encourage you or challenge you?

Does your workplace allow you to work in a way that is consistent with your values? How does this impact you at work?

In what ways can you use your work to serve the kingdom of God?

Pray for each other in the group to be able to “seek first the kingdom” (Matthew 6:33) in your work.

110

111

Billy Elliot is a movie about a boy who wants to be a ballet dancer. He lives in a rough mining town, and his dad is set on him becoming a boxer. Billy has other ideas, and tries out for the Royal School of Ballet in London. At the audition, when Billy is asked what it feels like to dance, he answers ‘It feels like electricity.’

When was the last time something felt like electricity for you? Benjamin Franklin said, ‘Many people die at twenty-fi ve but aren’t buried until they’re seventy-fi ve.’ So many of us are so locked into our work and our lives that we feel like we have no choice but to keep doing what we’ve always been doing. We start to believe that fulfi lment is for other people but not for us. We think that dreams and visions are things that we grow out of as responsibility takes over.

Th e American journalist and author, Norman Cousins once said, ‘Death is not the greatest loss in life. Th e greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.’ We can still have passion in life and a desire to make a diff erence.

112

arcus Buckingham, in his book, The One Thing You Need to Know (2005) says that only one in five workers are energised by their job. He calls these people ‘the Twenty Percenters’. If you’re bored, unfulfilled or frustrated in your job then you

are not one of these Twenty Percenters. Perhaps this is what Cousins meant by ‘dying while we still live’.

It is not always possible to throw in our jobs and start new lives. We need to find other ways to find more passion in life. We can find this by looking in, looking out, and looking up.

LOOkINg IN We need to start by asking questions about ourselves. What am I passionate about? Who am I? Psalm 139:13-14 says that God ‘created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.’ This is a great picture of the way that God knows us and has put us together. Part of this is the fact that God created us all with passions and abilities. When Apostle Paul writes to his friends in Rome saying, ‘We have different gifts, according to the grace given us,’ (Romans 12:6) he is reminding us of the unique gifts that God has given each of us. Just as Billy Elliot found passion in dancing, we need to find our gift, passion and vision.

Vision seems to have a bad rap at the moment. We see vision statements everywhere. A lot of the time, they seem pretty meaningless. But a good vision will give us something to strive for. Many years ago, my son was bugging me to help him build a skateboard ramp. I listened carefully, I looked intently and I hoped he would forget! Finally I couldn’t ignore him anymore. We started to spend our time working out how to do it. One day, we were in the car together and he said to me, ‘Dad, you know what I think about at night when I’m falling asleep? How we can make that skateboard ramp.’ That’s what vision is; a passion that drives us forward. To find this, we need to ‘look in’ and ask ourselves questions about how we have been created.

113

LOOkINg OUTWe need to be careful that we don’t spend so much time looking in that we become completely self-obsessed. The government has My School, My Zone, My everything! Apple puts out the iPhone, the iPad, the i-whoever-knows-what’s-going-to-come-out-next! It seems that we are constantly looking at ourselves, but we need to ‘look out’ as well. We need to look at our family and the world around us. It’s true that we find our passion by understanding who we are, but we need to be looking out as well.

Bob Buford’s book Halftime: Changing Your Game Plan from Success to Significance (1994) describes how we can find new passion by moving away from the need for success to the need for significance in our later years. David Bussau, Senior Australian of the Year in 2008, did just that. He had been a successful builder, but one day realised he didn’t want to continue building for his very wealthy clients. For Bussau, it was the “economy of enough.” He didn’t need to accumulate more for himself, but wanted to see his resources used for the greater good.He started an organisation called Opportunity International. It lends money to men and women to start small businesses, then helps them with planning and marketing. When the loans are paid back, the money is reinvested again and again. Opportunity International has created more than 2.4 million jobs in the developing world.

LOOkINg UpIt is important for us to ‘look in’ to see how God has created our passion and to ‘look out’ to see the need around us. We also need to ‘look up’ to God and build a relationship with Him. Knowing that we are loved and created by God changes our whole perspective. He created us and knows the best way for us to live. Look up to see God and stop giving in to earthly pursuits. This doesn’t mean that we can’t have any earthly pursuits; it’s the idea that God can redeem anything that we do.

In 1924, Harold Abrahams and Eric Liddell were preparing for the Paris Olympics. According to the movie Chariots of Fire, winning was everything for Abrahams. He saw the race as ‘ten seconds to justify

114

his whole existence.’ Eric Liddell was different. For Liddell there was more to life than running. In one scene in Chariots of Fire he discusses with his sister whether he should run in the Olympics or return to China. He says, ‘I know that God wants me to go back to China and I’m going to go back. But God has made me fast and when I run I feel His pleasure.’

Both Abrahams and Liddell went on to win at the Olympics. But for Abrahams it seemed to be a joyless process. For Liddell, running was only part of his passion. He finished his life and died as a missionary in China. We need to consider if we are more like Liddell or Abrahams. Do we have passion and find joy in what we do?

The actor, Ian Charleson, who played Liddell in Chariots of Fire said it was very difficult to run the way that Liddell ran. Early footage shows that whenever Liddell ran he would throw his head back, making it difficult to see where he was going. Charleson said he realised that for Liddell, running was actually an act of faith because he couldn’t see where he was going.

What is God calling you to? Where’s your passion? Look in and see what God is saying to you.Who are you? How are you wired? What are the bits of you that have been put together that are completely, totally and utterly unique? If you feel like there are no opportunities for you and that you are just waiting to be buried, you need to think again. Find out where you can put your energy, ability and talent so that you serve the people around you. But ultimately, to find the great passion of your life you need to look up and find yourself in the Person of God.

Augustine, a great Christian leader from centuries ago, said that we will not find our rest until we find our rest in God. We need to ask ourselves some questions as we find this rest. Is there something actually dying within us? Is there a song dying within you? Is there something we’re called to? The great tragedy is not that we die, but what dies within us while we live. We need to discover our passion and pursue it.

Karl Faase

115

...with Daniel PetsalisDaniel’s first passion was to join the police force. He spent six years serving his community in this way. Being a policeman is a law enforcement role. If someone does something wrong they suffer the consequences, they’re arrested and they’re charged. But Daniel wanted to see further into it. He wanted to help the drug addict that broke into a house so that it wouldn’t happen again.

Daniel decided to join Mission Beat, a service run by Mission Australia that works on the streets of Sydney with people who are homeless and disadvantaged. Daniel felt like he got a tap on the shoulder to say this is what he needed to do. It was a huge decision. It meant taking a substantial salary cut. But it was worth it.

Sometimes in his work, the things that happen are very small, but he knows that these small steps do make a difference. In the eight years he has worked at Mission Australia he has not lost his passion. He knows he is making a difference and that’s what keeps him going. He says, ‘I’ve probably met thousands of homeless and disadvantaged people that have really fulfilled me and continue to keep me going.’

WhaT DRIves yOUR passION?People think that being in a job that makes a lot of money is the most important thing. But having a passion often means having a different set of values to the world. Having something that we really believe in is an important motivator. When it provides great opportunities to do interesting and challenging things, this helps as well. Wanting to invest in the lives of people is also important. But our greatest motivator is the Gospel.

WhaT aRe sOMe OF The ObsTaCLes ThaT We FaCe WheN pURsUINg OUR passION?Often following a passion may mean changing jobs. This may mean taking a significant pay cut. It will affect how our families will live and

116

how our extended families and friends will view us. We often need to accept that our status will come from serving Jesus and not from having a job that impresses the world.

But not everyone needs to make a job change to follow their passion. Sometimes we can do the thing that we’re passionate about without having to change jobs. For example, it could mean getting involved as a volunteer somewhere. Then we can give our time without changing everything else.

Why aRe MeN sO OFTeN ONLy passIONaTe abOUT ThINgs LIke spORT?We get caught up with things that are fun. There’s nothing wrong with liking football or cars, but we need to realise that they are not the meaning of life. Sometimes we need to actually stop and think, what is it that really matters? The answer is almost always, investing in the lives of people. We can have fun, but we need to keep our heads switched on about what really matters in life. We need to take the time to speak to our friends about things that matter as well as about the football score.

shOULD We pURsUe WhaT We aRe passIONaTe abOUT aT aNy COsT?There are certain times in life when it’s easier to change everything and follow our passion. At other times, we might not be able to do it. And to be honest, following our passion is not always the most important thing in life. What’s really important is looking after the people we’re called to love. Sometimes this means working at a job we hate just so we can feed our families.

We can’t always rush off and do whatever we think we want to do. There are a whole lot of other things that have to be thought about first. We might actually have to ‘suck it up’ and put up with it because there are bigger things at stake. Our responsibility to those around us is more important than our individual satisfaction.

Sometimes there is value in doing what we have to do. It might be boring but it’s actually what Jesus calls us to. The essence of masculinity

117

is taking responsibility for the people we should look after. If we can do that and do something we love and are passionate about, then we are really fortunate. But it doesn’t always happen straight away, and sometimes it doesn’t happen at all.

DOes OUR passION aLWays have TO be ChRIsTIaN WORk?The Bible doesn’t separate Christian and secular work. We are all called to seek Christ’s Kingdom first. This can be done whether we work in an office or in a church. Wherever we are, it is important that we live in a way that witnesses for Jesus. As Christians we serve the whole community. Sometimes we will do that in a Christian organisation but other times it will be in a secular role.

118

Have you ever had the feeling that “something is dying in you?” What would that be?

What makes pursuing your passion so difficult?

Read over Romans 12:3-8. What do you believe your gifts are and how are you seeking to use them?

In what situations or in what activities do you feel most alive?

119

What experiences have you had where your passion has been able to be expressed through your work?

What changes are you able to make in your life to find more “electricity”? (Quote from movie “Billy Elliot” referred to in the introduction to this episode.)

In what ways have you found serving others to be an activity generating joy and satisfaction?

120

BUCKINGHAM, Marcus: Th e One Th ing You Need to Know (2005) Free Press

BUFORD, Bob: Halftime: Changing Your Game Plan from Success to Signifi cance (1994) HarperCollins Publishers

CHAPMAN, Gary: Th e Five Love Languages (1992) Northfi eld Publishing

CLARKE, Greg and Amelia: One Flesh: A Practical Guide to Honeymoon Sex and Beyond (2001) Matthias Media

de BOTTON, Alain: Status Anxiety (2004) Pantheon

ECKERSLEY, Richard: Well and Good: How We Feel and Why It Matters (2004) Text Publishing

EGGERICHS, Dr Emerson: Love and Respect: Th e Love She Most Desires; Th e Respect He Desperately Needs (2004) Th omas Nelson

FULLER, Andrew: Raising Real People, Creating a Resilient Family (2002) ACER Press

121

HYBELS, Bill: Holy Discontent (2007) Zondervan

IRVINE, Dr John: Who’d be a Parent (1998) Pan Macmillan

MURROW, David: Why Men Hate Going to Church (2005) Thomas Nelson

PAYNE, Tony and JENSEN, Phillip D: Pure Sex (1998) Matthias Media

SIEGEL, Daniel J and HARTZELL, Mary: Parenting from the Inside Out (2003) Penguin

SONDEREGGER, Dr Robi: Building Emotional Resilience - CD (recommended for children and adults)

SONDEREGGER, Dr Robi: Free to be You (2010) Dr Robi Events Trust

STEWART, Al: Men - Firing Through all of Life (2007) Blue Bottle Books

www.beyondblue.com.au - Information on Depression and Anxiety

www.covenanteyes.com - Web accountability software

122

123

124

125

126

127

128