Bride-Cake Bride-Bones

Nina Kane, Bride-Cake, Bride-Bones, October 2008.

Nina Kane, Master's in Writing for Performance, University of Huddersfield, 2008.

COPYRIGHT:

(C) Full copyright and production rights for this play are held by the author. If you wish to use a whole or any part of this for production, performance, making or transmission of any sort, please contact us for the rights to do so first. Rights can be applied for to this:

Sera Keane-MacDonald, Finance Director, Cast-Off Drama at the following address:

133 Leas Ave, Holmfirth, West Yorkshire, United Kingdom, HD9 3EW.

Alternatively you can e-mail the author directly at the following e-mail address: [email protected]

We welcome interest in this play and actively encourage experimental and not-for-profit showings, as well as professional stagings. Please write stating your interest in the play and the type of production you are proposing. Includedetails of whether it is amateur, professional, student or not-for-profit. Thank you.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

The author warmly thanks the University of Huddersfield Drama Department for the Master's in Writing for Performance, and for the bursary supporting my attendance on this course. I thank Tim Moss for his excellent development of the course, and the lecturers and mentors whose advice and encouragement helped me along the way: Linda Taylor, Judith Adams, Deborah Levy and Carola Luther. I extend additional thanks to Carola Luther for her excellent and exceedingly patient mentorship during the writing of this challenging and at times maddening work! Your kindness and thought-provoking advice was much appreciated. I thank Judith Adams and Tim Moss for the time and attention they gave to the marking and feeback on the piece. I thank Deborah Middleton and the University of 1


Huddersfield for the administration of the course. I thank theFine Art dept at Huddersfield for studio space in the Spring of 2008 to build Miss Havisham's props, and Leeds Art Gallery Education and all the Cast-Off Drama participants who attendedthe Bride-Cake, Bride-Bones Experimental Life-Drawing workshops in July 2008. I additionally thank Alwyn May and theprofessional actors who staged Act 1 of the play for the MA professional platform in September 2008. You told me it was anutterly mad text but you loved it, and you brought it to life in ways I never thought possible. I extend a further huge thanks to Eluned Murphy and the cast who took up the play withsuch enthusiasm, imagination and warmth for staging in 2009. This play would not have been written had it not been for my fellow students on the MA 2007-2008 programme. Their courage, kindness, generosity, warmth and willingness to risk their work and speak honestly on mine was nurturing, challenging andhealing, and part of me loves you all and hopes you are all well in the world wherever you are. Lastly, thanks and love toJules, Dante and Emily for being there and sticking with it, however hard it got xxx June 2014.

Bride-Cake Bride-Bones

Cast List

Miss Havisham – aged mid-60s, a reclusive film star

’sprit d’Estelle – aged 25, a finishing school ‘drop-out’ and perfume-maker, adopted daughter of MissHavisham

Bride-Cake – aged 69, Miss Havisham’s Housekeeper

Minge – aged 75, a veteran film extra

Jasmine - aged 45, a gardener and aromatherapist,married to James

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James – aged 40, an environmental lawyer, married toJasmine

Sukie the Iguana – aged 37, a psychotherapist /ghost, reincarnated as an Iguana in Act 3

Yogaboy – aged 25, boyfriend of ’sprit d’Estelle

Harry Argento – aged 45, a property developer

Lucinda Argento – aged mid-60s, an Italian film star

Po – Leeesze – a chorus of policemen and policewomen

TECHNICAL NOTES (GENERAL):

‘Bride-Cake Bride-Bones’ is designed for a prosceniumstage setting in an auditorium. It takes place on theSouth Coast of England, near the Romney Marshes, inthe first decade of the C21st. It aims to present theaudience with an uncertain visual aesthetic satclunkily between C19th Victoriana and C21st techno-ether. It is a play that prioritises technology andis composed with carefully-selected visual art-mediums in mind - painted, electronic and ‘virtual’.It fuses visual art forms with conventional theatreset / lighting design ideas. The visual conception ofthe work is central to the script, and a directorshould consider the visual directions given withinthe script as much as s/he would a stage action orpiece of dialogue. It is a script that recognises themultiple visual options available to anyone puttingon live performance in the C21st and attempts toweave a visual sensibility into the conception ofemotion, action, timbre and audience experience bymyself as a playwright. 3


It is also concerned with space, and with utilisingthe architecture of the theatre for creative effect.The script extends the ‘playing’ areas of the theatrevenue beyond the stage to include backstage areas,auditorium, bar area and in some cases the outsideenvironment of the venue in the live performance.Using technology, the play aims to extend the playingpossibilities of the performer’s bodies through CCTV,hologram projection, voice-over, and 4D means aselements of live performance and to use these devicescreatively as extensions of the performer’s livepresence on the stage and in the storytelling of thetale and its themes.

The stage/technical settings for the three acts canbe summarised thus:

Act 1 uses 7 CCTV monitors and some use of stageprops / construction. The performers’ central playingarea is in constructed ‘studio’ areas backstagefilmed live and transmitted to the audience in real-time through the monitors onstage. The physicalpresence of the performers on the main stage in Act 1is reduced, with much of the ‘live’ performancehappening backstage, or transmitted by holographicimaging. Where the actors do appear onstage, they usetheir normal voices with no amplification.

By contrast, Act 2 has a reduced CCTV screenpresence, and most of the images presented on themonitors are pre-recorded. The exception to this is

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footage taken live of the audience and transmittedback to them via CCTV as a ‘mirror.’ There is a focuson sound in this act. The performers maintain a real-time, physical presence on the actual stage as ismore conventional. Their dialogue, however, is pre-recorded and transmitted to the audienceelectronically in ‘voice-over’, while the actors mimetheir lines. Actors in the auditorium space speaktheir lines naturally. Act 2 has a set designemploying a heightened presence of conventionaltheatre elements eg. painted ‘flats’ and constructedinteriors complete with stage furniture and props.It uses a carousel. Act 2 also requires a Wii-sportsgame and features Second Life through a computerscreen, hence technological methods of transmittingthis live need to be explored by the technical team.

Act 3 contains no carousel and only 1 free-standingmonitor set far downstage right. The whole of theupstage area comprises of a huge, painted ‘flat’ witha dual revolving louvre-blind vertical billboardmerging seamlessly into the centre. One side of thebillboard is painted, the other holds a plasma TVscreen. The plasma screen shows footage taken from asingle monitor, filmed live by CCTV from a backstageinterior. It also shows a virtual reality world withfigures in 3D. The performers perform entirely withinthe space of the stage using their bodies and voicesnaturally with no recorded / electronic transmissionelements employed. There are four Treehouseconstructions placed downstage and upstage. They areconnected by a series of parallel aerial ropes, setat different heights for passage by performers, with

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a set of ropes leading to the wings. It is importantthat the ropes do not obstruct the view of the plasmascreen too much, though some crossing will help thevisual effect. There is a focus on smell in this act,and plants, flowers, rabbit hutches, sulphur and foodare utilised in the auditorium space.

All acts involve the use of 3D Holographic imageprojection, backstage, on the stage and in the spaceof the auditorium. Holograph images in this playrepresent ghosts, unknown / uncertain elements,things that threaten or promise, ‘inbetween worlds’,the past and the future and things that ‘sit under’the main themes of the play.

‘Bride-Cake Bride-Bones’ is a piece requiringtechnological flexibility / innovation, an attentionto detail in visual staging and an active presence ofset design / lighting / projection work as aperformative player in the ensemble of theproduction. It prioritises the use of holographicprojection technology to create 3D images of actors,animals and objects as interactive elements in theperformance. It is designed to use the architectureand infrastructure of an average middle-scale theatrevenue and requires some collusion between theartistic team, technical crew, Front-of-House and barstaff in its creative management of the audience.

It is a play that derives from ‘Great Expectations’by Charles Dickens and David Lean’s film production

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of the same. The visual conception of the work andits set design owes some inspiration to the IndianMiniature paintings of Amrit and Rabindra KD Kaur-Singh, and I would recommend having a look at thesefor further reference on the play’s images. Thevisceral quality of the work also derives from HelenChadwick’s ‘Eat Me’ (1991) and this forms the titlefor Act 3. Italian ‘Giallo’ films from the 1970s forma reference and extracts from these need to besourced for Act 2.

I will give more detailed descriptions of the contentof the set designs in the notes at the start of eachact.

TECHNICAL NOTES – ACT 1:

The stage in Act 1 is set with a wall of 7 CCTVmonitors arranged to the pattern of an IndianMiniature painting. The composite of monitorsindicates the location of the play as happening inone large, old house and its gardens, by the sea.The monitors are large enough to be seen by theaudience in the back row. Each monitor shows a livereal-time CCTV link to a different ‘room’ and 2 ofthe monitors show an outdoor location in full colour,using clear/high quality visual recording film. Inthe tradition of Indian Miniatures but also in thepattern of conventional contemporary CCTV viewing,the images displayed on the monitors are shot from abirds-eye viewpoint.

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The monitors are placed in a cluster centre-stage andthe outside frame is decorated with elaborate, giltcarving, ornate patterns, and images. Downstage left,a table-end holds a large, mouldy Great Bride-Cake,and the remains of a wedding breakfast. The rest ofthe table has been burnt away. Downstage right, thereis a small table and chair with laptop and somepapers on it. Upstage right, there is a large,crystal chandelier, and upstage left, a few oldornamental palm trees and some small animal hutches.There are lemons scattered on the floor area.

The actors perform Act 1 almost entirely within thelocation of the CCTV monitors. This is performed inreal-time in different studios / rooms behind thestage while the audience occupy the auditorium.Outdoor locations may need to be pre-recorded forexpediency and for aesthetic continuity. The monitorsshow the action and dialogue of the characters asthey play out the narrative in different parts of thehouse and its estate. A new housing estate is beingbuilt close by and has reached the back wall of thehouse.

The auditorium will be used, particularly for theprojection of holographic images. An area of 24 seatssquare in the middle of stalls rows D-G, and a squarearea of 12 seats in the middle of rows R-T need to betaped off for performance use. The auditorium needsto be fitted to project holographic 3D images intothe aisles and stalls. It also requires a CCTV cameraset to film the main stage.

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The monitors show a bird’s eye of the followinglocations:

1.Interior - Miss Havisham’s kitchen, a large oaktable with lemons, a chopping board and knifedominate the screen. There are no windows andlight comes though an obscured-glass grille.

2.Interior - Jasmine and James’ bedroom in theSummerhouse. The sea and gardens are visible fromthis.

3.Interior – Miss Havisham’s bedroom, filled withyellow roses. The curtains are permanently shut.

4.Exterior - The gates of the house, through whichyou can see the house’s exterior in the distance.Part of it is burnt out.

5.Exterior – Treehouse in the house’s gardens –stocked with flasks, cups, calor gas stove, tinsof beans, blankets. The base of the tree isvisible, also the glass dome of Old Martha’sTropical Greenhouse.

6.Exterior – Bridge overlooking a motorway. Thehouse is visible from a distance, also the newhousing estate and the sea.

7.Interior – the Great Ballroom containing awedding table with one end identical to the oneonstage complete with mouldy Great Bride-Cake.The other end is laden with aromatherapy bottles.The centre of the table has been burnt in two.The Ballroom has been converted into a rodent /small animal sanctuary and is stacked high withhutches containing rats, mice, rabbits, ferrets,hamsters, guinea pigs and gerbils. It overflowswith bottles, newspapers, straw and dead, yellow

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roses. The room is decorated with some largeornamental palm trees in huge pots, and a big,central chandelier. The curtains are closed.There is a large cabinet stocked witharomatherapy-making equipment, bottles withpippets and an array of base oils and ready-madeperfume. A connecting door leads to theGreenhouse.

All monitors are left on continually unlessotherwise directed and show all characters at alltimes occupied in activity, even when the dialogue /action of the play shifts to another screen. Themonitors also remain switched on in the empty rooms.The characters move locations across screens and willdisappear from one location and appear in another.For the purposes of clarity, I will present eachcharacter’s dialogue with reference to the TV monitor/ location from which they speak it.

Good quality sound equipment needs to be used so thatthe dialogue is clearly transmitted, but with caretaken not to exceed comfortable listening levels. Therecommended aural ‘tone’ is that of a householdradio.

In the middle of Act 1 (and subsequently in Acts 2and 3), the theatrical ‘frame’ of the monitors isbroken and the actors begin to perform in the stagearea, bringing ‘ghosts’ with them into the audience’sviewing arena. The bank of monitors needs to bemoveable, and a curtain placed along the upstage area10


to conceal a constructed ‘set’ which containsfurniture matching that of the Ballroom. This willneed to move from upstage to downstage left in themiddle of Act 1.

ACT 1

The Great Bride-Cake

The curtain opens to reveal the stage. 3D hologramimages of rabbits are projected into the floor areaof the stage, and hop amongst the lemons. Monitor 4switches on to reveal the Po-Leeesze dressed in HighVis yellow jackets, surrounded by JCB vehicles at thegates

A 3D holographic image of a JCB is projected into thesquare of seats at rows D-G and rows R-T.

Monitor 4 / Po-Leeesze: They speak in chorus:

Ev’ry step you take

Ev’ry move you make

Ev’ry bond you break

Ev’ry line you fake

I’ll be watching you11


Ev’ry day

Come rain come shine

Standing here

In a line

Whine, whine, whine

When will the old bag break?

When will she shake a tail-feather?

Silly old cow

Whine, whine, whine

(The hologram images of rabbits on the stage fade)

I could be out with my mates

I could be tramping the beat

I could

Stop n search the yobbos

Let my

Oh so

majestic horse

Shit on the street

Instead I’m here12


Whine, whine

When will the old bag break?

When will she shake a tail-feather?

Give up the ghost?

Silly old cow

Whine, whine, whine

All this fuss for a stupid old house

All this fuss for an old bag and her rabbits

And a few orchids

Look at the state of the place

Falling down

On its knees

Martha’s Bones

In its day they called it

Rosa Giallo

You can still see the sign by this ivy here – look!

Yellow roses.

(Monitor 3 switches on to reveal Miss Havisham’sbedroom, filled with yellow roses)

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They all came here

Speeding down from London town

And all because of

The Brewer’s daughter.

Long time ago all that.

The roses here fade fast now

No flowers adorn this gate

The breath of a poisonous dragon laid waste to thisfair slice of

Swinging Sixties England.

She went mad, the old bag

Burnt half the place down

And now they call it

Old Martha’s Bones.

You can see ’em, standing up

The charred remains of a woman’s poor folly

See’em – there – against the skyline

All sorts of ghosts rattling round in that

Want to take a look?

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(The remaining monitors switch on one by one. Themonitors now remain on constant until otherwiseindicated).

There’s the gardens to your right

the sea to your left

new housing estate champing at the bit

pawing its hooves

in the dust at the back wall there

Inside you’ll find

A rattling keg of old film stars, their brandiedsouls long caked, not drunk for so long, you mightsee’em on Freeview on a Wednesday afternoon, nolonger prime or in their time not prime-time viewingfor me, but you – perhaps – may want to stay andwatch for just a while

Inside you’ll see

The children of the revolution, all soft with flowerstems, lentils and soil

Scouring their pots, Some ditzy heiress newlyreturned from gay Paree

With her bendy beau

La Rosa Giallo15


See for yourself, take a peek, go and look! Poke yournose around, have a gander

Get your snout amongst the oats! (Laugh)

I’m not saying any more

Not my business

What goes on with the people in these walls

If you want to look, look

I’m off soon

No harm in it I suppose

Mind, the cameras are on so watch your step

Ev’ry step you take

Ev’ry move you make

That’s right

You know how it goes

It’s all coming down soon anyway

Council won’t let this rackety ruin stay standing forlong

Bloody good job too

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(The hologram images of the JCBs in rows D-G and R-Tfade off )

The sun’s fading fast

The sea mist rolls in

Gets into your bones

Salt tickling my nose

I’m hot and sweaty in my boots

I need a cool beer

I’ll go down the seafront

When I knock off here

Monitor 2 / Jasmine (She holds an open wallet and isspeed-reading a bunch of receipts)

11.06 19.47 Bridge-Carr service Station 5pounds fifty– coffee and fags

8.06 10.22 Forest Lane service station 4 pounds 21 –doughnuts, milk, beans

9.06 13.48 Cafe Creme -12 pounds 31 – 12 pounds 31(pauses) two caffee lattes, 1 pannini, 1 salad – shitshit – 9th of the 6th ninth of the 6th...Thursday,Thursday week – 13.48 - Oh – lunch with Mark, meetingon the estate plans – (looks relieved)

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11.06 7.48 Forest Lane service station – 21 pounds 14– petrol, just petrol

10.06 21.19 Pizza Mamma – 23 pounds – garlic bread,Neopolitan – Ok, birthday meal

8.06 17.36 Crown Court Hotel....55 pounds -

(she stops as if thumped in the stomach. She hasfound what she is looking for) Shit! Shit! Shit!

Monitor 3 / (’sprit d’Estelle sits trying onjewellery at a dressing table and talks to herself inthe mirror)

’sprit d’Estelle: Yes, you look rather lovely. ’spritd’Estelle, ’sprit d’Estelle, an ocean wave ofdelicate...fragrance yes.... (she looks directly atthe camera through the reflection of the mirror andspeaks to the audience through it) Are you watchingme? How do you find me?

Monitor 1 / Miss Havisham is dressed in a 1950s paleblue floaty evening gown; she is dishevelled with onebreast hanging out and a large heeled shoe on onefoot. The other foot is bare. We see her seated atthe end of the oak table, chopping lemons.

1/ Miss Havisham:

Do you find her very beautiful?

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3/’sprit d’Estelle: Am I very beautiful?

1/Miss Havisham: Is she very proud?

3/sprit d’Estelle: Am I proud?

1/Miss Havisham: Do you find her haughty? Anddisdainful?

3/ sprit d’Estelle: Do you find me haughty? (she putsthe jewellery down and tuts) You are but a coarse,common, labouring boy!

(She looks away from the camera and back to themirror. She takes a pearl necklace and places itagainst her)

Monitor 6 / Sukie the Iguana is on the bridge dancingto old rave tunes on her i-pod. She is high on cokeand intent on seducing the traffic. She leans overthe railings waving at the drivers. People beep theirhorns and she laughs, delighted at the attention.

3/ ’sprit d’Estelle

I was born

In a tiny oyster shell

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1/Miss Havisham :

Her mother

An old shell-fish

Scutteledaway

To chase some shark or two

She was the sort

That likes to be eaten

But before she went

She left a tiny grain

3/’sprit d’Estelle

A tiny grain of sand I was

No bigger than a speck

And I irritated that old oyster

Made her wriggle and moan

1/3 Miss Havisham and sprit d’Estelle

Grew as luminous as the moon, as hard as cheddar, asripe for expelling as green fungal dust,

caking the bottom of a

gnarled old woman’s foot.

Yum.

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3/ sprit d’Estelle

She had no choice but to scrape me off, push me out,drop me like a stone

4/Po-Leeesze

The baby was born

It’s a fact we have to record

We get it all the time

Their sort

Dropping their knickers, their bellies, their sprogs

Like flies

We have to do all the hard work

Clearing up after them

Nothing but a damned nuisance

3/ sprit d’Estelle:

I don’t know where I’m from.

6/ Sukie the Iguana leans over the railings of thebridge feeling the rush of air from the traffic onher face. Every so often, she looks up and speaks tothe camera directly

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Sukie the Iguana:

The wonderful thing about coke is it makes you feelsexy like you’re the most beautiful person in theroom It’s like everyone’s eyes are on you You becomesexy, you’re sex itself but it’s not hot it’s cool,cool like the breeze it glitters, it’s-glamorousyou’re glamorous- brilliant - you can do anything youwant your breasts feel harder. Everyone fancies you.

I used to sit with Charlie and his mates. They weretaking speed, acid, E’s - I’d watch them all eveningfeeling them watch me. I felt so sexy. The only girlin their gang, theonly girl in the room and I knewthey all wanted me.

The wonderful thing about coke iseverythingbecomes clearer. Like seeing it throughcrystal. Your smell is clean. Your skin iscold...like icewaterrushingundertheskinnobloodinyourveinsjustsexandpeopleseyesonyou

on top of the world, it’s you theywant, flirtanyone anything everybody wantsyou

(She shouts down at the traffic)

seeeeexxy. becomes

all about you, you everybodyseyes areon youthink Me!Me!It’s all about - me.

ICan’t

Top

TheFeeling22


(she removes an earpiece from her i-pod, pulls out amobile phone and speaks into it)

7/ (James is working at his laptop in a corner of theGrand Ballroom. The phone rings)

7/James: (he picks up the phone)

James MacKintosh.

6/Sukie the Iguana:

Jimmy, it’s me.

7/James:

(pause) I can’t talk right now

6/Sukie the Iguana:

I’m on the bridge

7/James:

What? I can’t hear you – where are you, it soundsreally noisy?

6/Sukie the Iguana:

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I’m on the bridge, over the motorway. It’s fuckingamazing! I want you.

7/James:

Look, I can’t do this anymore

6/Sukie the Iguana:

It’s where we first kissed, do you remember?

7/James:

I can’t hear you.

6/Sukie the Iguana:

I’m going in!

7/James:

I can’t-

6/Sukie the Iguana:

I wanted to speak to you. Just one last time.Farewell my love! (she throws herself off themotorway bridge)

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7/James: (the phone goes dead)

Sukie? Sukie? (He rings her mobile, there is noreply) The silent treatment! Ok! Have it your way! Iwon’t try you again. (He goes back to his work, thenstops, and slams his fist on the desk) Shit!

Monitor 5 / Minge climbs into the treehouse. She is around jolly woman with wild, frizzy hair and a fur-fringed afghan coat which reaches to her bare feet.She sits thoughtfully for a moment, catching herbreath, then lights a calor gas stove and heats somebeans in a small saucepan. Every so often sheconvulses with laughter as if thinking of somethingamusing. Yogaboy enters the screen. He is wearing atight vest-top and stretchy leggings. He placeshimself in a lotus position at the base of the tree.Minge drops an acorn onto his head. He ignores her.

1/Miss Havisham is muttering to herself as shesqueezes a lemon in her hand, thumps it down on thechopping board and proceeds to halve it with a swissarmy knife. When cut, she picks up the half andsqueezes its juice into a bowl. Bride-Cake enters theroom but we do not see her – she speaks to MissHavisham off-camera.

1/ Miss Havisham

So! You’ve come back at last. What time do you makeit?

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1/Bride-Cake

A little way past the hour.

1/Miss Havisham

You’re late!

1/Bride-Cake

Trouble on the motorway.

1/Miss Havisham

I see. (pause) Has your sister recovered?

1/Bride-Cake

She’s loads better. We’ve had a wonderful time andher granddaughter is beautiful. I have a photo –

1/ Miss Havisham:

Show me later. I’ve been ill. I’m always ill whenyou’re away, it’s just not the same. Now, I need toknow. Is it true?

1/ Bride-Cake:

I have the article here. (she passes her a magazine)26


1/Miss Havisham seizes the magazine, looks at it andgasps. After a pause she says:

He’s grown fat. I’d have hardly known him.

1/Bride-Cake

The funeral was magnificent. They closed off thecentre of Rome for him, took three hours for thecortege to pass. He requested an open glass coffin –

1/Miss Havisham

Ha!

1/Bride-Cake

- with the black velvet gloves and a silver knifelaid across his breast.

1/Miss Havisham

Pthuhs!

1/Bride-Cake

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The crowds went wild, craning their necks to see him.(pause). She was there. Wearing Gabbana.

1/Miss Havisham

Fat?

1/Bride-Cake

Skeletal. Like the flesh had been sucked off themarrow.

1/Miss Havisham

Ridiculous!

1/Bride-Cake

Unrecognisable. They say she’s had thirty-sevenoperations. Italy’s premier advocate for the nip andtuck industry. She’s a new face every week!

1/Miss Havisham

She always did have. (She flicks through themagazine. Her hands begin to shake) So does thismagazine have any photos of his family...ah! Here weare, grieving relatives, good – (she scans the photo)Is – was – I don’t – ..?

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1/Bride-Cake

He wasn’t there. (The camera shifts in a single jerkymovement to show both Bride-Cake and Miss Havisham inthe single frame). Sent a wreath. It was a hugescandal. The family claimed work, but everyone knowshe and his father had fallen out. Something aboutland. They say he’s been disinherited. Nobody knowswhere he is. He’s notoriously private. (pause) Ithought that may please you.

1/Miss Havisham

Don’t tell me what pleases me Bride-Cake mashallah.Make yourself useful and get me some tea. And findEstelle.

1/Bride-Cake:

Estelle? She’s back from Paris?

1/Miss Havisham

She is.

1/Bride-Cake

Is she much altered?

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3/’sprit d’Estelle (looks at her face in the mirror,and glances coyly to the camera in the reflectioninviting the audience in to her meditations)

Have I – changed? I do believe I’ve grown. My skin is– hardened with Paris wine; the suntanned kisses andrough lips of artists. My nipples know how to quiverto the touch – I am pert, plum-drunk on admiringeyes. My skin is chafed with the cool absinthepleasure of a lover at 4 in the morning, rubbing hisrough shadow across my belly. Yes, I am altered.

1/ Miss Havisham

I believe she has been a bit foolish when abroad. Butno matter, she is home now. I can hear her in mybedroom. She’s fiddling around with my jewellery asusual. Go and chase her out of there and tell her tocome to me.

3/ ’sprit d’Estelle finds a hat plumed with a stuffedbird. She tries it on her head and plays with it. Sheexits Monitor 3.

5/ Minge stirs her beans, muttering to herself andchortling

Beans, beans, good for your heart, the more you eat,the more you –

5/ Jasmine storms up to where Minge is cooking

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5/Jasmine

He’s screwing her again! That rancid whore! (shesobs) He’s - screwing that –bitch – with her silentcomes! her cold moans! her odourless foul, fish-scaled body ! her beady Iguana eyes–

5/Minge phones James. He answers. She passes Jasminethe phone. Jasmine continues talking into it

7/James

What the fuck’s brought this on?!

5/Jasmine

You! You’ve brought it on! You and that lizard!You’ve been sneaking your tongue in the rank apple-slitof her cunt again! coming to me covered in her,polluting our home with the skank and oil of her skin.that –scum- that – vampire –that dog-drooling...quim!

7/ James

I haven’t seen her for over a year!

5/Jasmine

You’re a liar! There’s a receipt! In your wallet!31


7/James

It’s last year’s! You know all about that one!

5/Jasmine pauses and checks the date on the receipt.She looks relieved and furious at the same time.

It’s last year’s.

5/Jasmine switches the phone off and chucks it out ofthe treehouse.

5/Minge

Eat your beans.

3/ Bride-Cake enters Miss Havisham’s bedroom carryinga large bunch of yellow roses. She sighs, and beginsto tidy up the jewellery on the dressing table,clearing away the coke cans and sweet wrappers leftby ’sprit d’Estelle. She arranges the roses intovases, and places a series of photographs up theright way. The photographs are large 1960s black andwhite publicity shots of Miss Havisham on location atdifferent film sets. She continues to tidy as thechorus of Po-Leeesze speak.

4/Po-Leeesze:

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Three o’ clock this afternoon

Old Roger

Bearded and merry trucker

Of South Shields

Fell foul of a lass.

She landed right on his cabin.

He hoped it was a bird

But knew different.

Cos hadn’t he seen her

Frolicking and dangling her business

In a low–cut t-shirt over the steel metal rail of thebridge?

An angel waiting to happen.

And there was no mistaking the flood, the blood --

That don’t happen when a bird hits your windscreen

And where were the feathers?

You have to weigh it up.

Even in the split second when you slam on the brakewith your size 11 –and- a-bit hobnail boot -

You know that’s one big bird’s put a dent in yourroof.

1/Miss Havisham thumps lemons onto the chopping boardand slams the knife into them, squeezing the juice

33


from them with her raised fist as if squeezing bloodfrom a stone.

4/ Po-Leeesze

He rang his boss

Shipment going to be a bit late, Boss

He rang his wife

Oh bollocks she said

I’ll see you when I see you, I’ll leave you out aplate.

Those that could see craned their necks like rowdyswans

Those that couldn’t tapped their fingers on thesteering wheel glimpsing Illumination in the whizz ofsober-suited blue-flashing lights careering up thehard shoulder; brewing Speculation, chewing theirlast piece of gum slowly and twiddling the radio knobto find another station

HOLED-UP on the M.., a snifter off...

Tell me something I don’t already know.

5/ Yogaboy rises gracefully from his lotus and movesaway from the bottom of the tree. Jasmine slams thebowl of beans down and storms out of the treehouse;she exits monitor 5.

34


4/ Po-Leeesze:

Old Roger, couldn’t stop shaking.

The dent of flesh in his roof.

The piercing of skin.

The stain of a stranger’s blood Oiling thewindscreen.

Red sky.

his eyes

on the Christmas tree pine freshener, dangling sinceWinter, swinging back and forth in the breeze

A late-minute scream, the ground greedily swallowed

Strange lips

that flowed. Mouth open.

The thump.

1/ There is a moment or two of complete silencebroken only by the sound of Miss Havisham choppinglemons.

7/ James sits back in his chair and massages histemples. He reaches for a long, silver flute at theside of his desk and begins to play a slow, poignant,dirge.

35


7/ ’sprit d’Estelle enters the ballroom on monitor 7.James is unaware of her presence. She creeps behindthe wedding table and sits with the bird hat pokingabove the parapet like a puppet. She slowly movesalong the length of the table twittering. James putshis flute down and walks over to see what the ‘bird’is. Jasmine enters the Ballroom and comes into viewon the monitor.

James motions to the table. Jasmine strides over andcatches the bird-hat in her hand.


Tweet tweet! Tweet tweet tweet ! (she jumps uptrilling with laughter) It’s me!

7Jasmine

Estelle! Oh my God!

They throw their arms around each other. ’spritd’Estelle plants a double kiss on each cheek, thendoes the same to James

7/ ’sprit d’Estelle;

36


It’s been - yonks! My God, how are you? Is he yours?(Jasmine nods, her face more of a grimace than asmile) Enchante Monsieur! I loved the flute!

7/James

Thank you. I’m James, and you must be Estelle.


No-one calls me Estelle anymore. Je suis ’spritd’Estelle! I’m my own brand now.

7/James

The perfume?


I own the company. Jasmine, you look great! How longare you back for?

3/Bride-Cake opens a record player in Miss Havisham’sbedroom, and puts an old vinyl 78 on the turntable.It plays soft, ‘airport lounge’, samba music. Sheopens a wardrobe full of 60’s evening dresses andpacks them carefully in a suitcase.

7/Jasmine

37


We live here. I’m the gardener now.


Bride-Cake never said! She keeps everything from me!

7/’sprit d’Estelle (to James):

And you?

7/ James:

Me? I’m a lawyer.


You don’t look one.

7/James

I’ll take that as a compliment.

7/’sprit d’Estelle (winks at Jasmine)

I’ve never seen a lawyer out of his suit

7/Jasmine

Keep talking, you’ll make his day.

38


7/James

I do environment law. I’m not a City type.

3/ Bride-Cake closes the suitcase and pushes it underthe bed.


Jasmine! He’s lovely! (to James) So what’s happeningwith the Ballroom? Can you help us save it?

7/James

I’ll do my best. There’s a good chance, even at thiseleventh hour -

7/ Jasmine:

It provides a wonderful service for animals in thearea, schools benefit from the visits -


Schoolkids in here?

(She reaches into a cabinet, pulls out a bottle ofport and some glasses. She sits and pours some outfor them. Jasmine joins her for a drink)39


7/Jasmine

No, I take the animals in to the schools.

(Hologram images of rabbits and other small creaturesappear on the stage area).

5/Minge exits the treehouse and heads towards thegates until off-camera.

7/ Jasmine:

We get a great response from the teachers. They’recompletely with us!

7/James moves to his laptop and presses a few keys asif shutting something down

James:

Problem is – well look around you! It’s fallingapart and the Council would love the space. Adeveloper’s already put up money to extend the newhousing estate

7/ ’sprit d’Estelle:

But it’s a ghost town.

40


4 /Po-Leeesze

Flags flap ragged in the breeze

No sign of human life within

No-one wants to live out here

With the marsh air

Gets into your bones, when the sea mist rolls in -

7/ Jasmine and ’sprit d’Estelle

They’ll never sell!

7/ James

Maybe, but the developer’s got permission to extend.Here. And as you know, she only owns the house andnot the land -


That bastard and his dodgy divorce settlement!

7/Jasmine (to ’sprit d’Estelle)

Silver sold the land to the Council before he died.She begged and begged him to sell it back to her but

41


he wouldn’t. Nasty to the end, I hope he rots inHell!

7/’sprit d’Estelle:

Poor Miss Havisham.

1/Miss Havisham has been thumping lemons onto thechopping board and cutting and squeezing them with avengeance. She stops and clenches a lemon in one handbefore rising furiously with no clear direction andhobbling a little dance, bent low and stomping as ifin a flamenco, her skirts and hair whirling round asshe spins on the spot, her one heeled foot clicking arhythm. She stops and leans heavily on the tablecatching her breath before moving back to herchopping board and thumping the lemon down to cutsome more. She stops and returns to the magazine,suddenly ripping out a page. She glares at it for amoment and then spits on it.

1/Miss Havisham (yells)

Bride-Cake! Bride-Cake! Bring me a photo-frame! I’vea hanging I’d like to do! And stop fannying about inmy bedroom! You were supposed to be bringing me a cupof fucking tea! If this is what happens when I letyou go on holiday, I’ll sack you and you can be onpermanent fucking holiday all the permanent fuckingtime! (she flops down in her chair)

42


3/Bride-Cake

(shouts) I’ll be right with you Miss Havisham. Andthere’s no need to be so rude nor to speak to me withthat vulgar film set language! You are very lucky tohave me, and you know it!

3/Bride-Cake holds an evening dress against her. Shetries some scarves against it, matching colours andjewellery against it. She sighs and folds it away.


How will she live?

7/James:

Hmm, yes, it’s very worrying, but she can still livein the old Brewery dwellings, and the gardens aren’taffected -

(There is the sound of knocking)

7/ Yogaboy (off)

Is there anybody there?

43


7/Enter Yogaboy. ’sprit d’Estelle squeals and throwsherself passionately at him. They kiss deeply andenthusiastically for some moments.

(A hologram image of the kissing lovers rises up fromthe stage and remains in permanent embrace after theperformers on the monitor have stopped. It is as ifthey are dancing on air. The hologram floats out andover the heads of the audience towards the back).

7/ James moves back to his laptop, switches a numberof files down and shuffles papers. Jasmine’s gazemoves between James and the lovers. When they havefinished kissing Yogaboy looks sadly at ’spritd’Estelle’s bird-hat, and gives it a stroke

7/Yogaboy

Poor bird.


Shut up you muppet! It’s been dead for years! Comeand meet Jas and James. Jas taught me all aboutflowers; she’s my inspiration!

(The holograms float to the ‘Gods’ and disappear intothe far wall of the auditorium)

44


3/ Bride-Cake switches the record player off.

7/Jasmine

Hi.

7/Yogaboy places his palms together and bows

Namaste!

7/James (places his hands together and bows slightly,introducing himself to Yogaboy )

Namaste! James.

7/Yogaboy

Cool.


This calls for a drink! I want all the goss. Come on,bring the room in a bit.

The chandelier inches further in from its upstageposition to centre-stage right. The Great Bride-Cakeon its charred table end skids into prominence,downstage left. The palm trees rustle and there is ascratching of small animals in the hutches at the

45


sides of the stage. The bank of monitors shifts tocentre-stage left. Monitor 7 goes blank.

Jasmine, James, ’sprit d’Estelle and Yogaboy enterthe stage. They arrange the furniture – chairs,table-end, perfume cabinet, palm trees and rabbithutch into a tight ‘set’ downstage left. James standsapart from the others and fiddles with the laptop atthe side of the stage. There is a distant sound oftraffic in the distance and a phone ringing inanother part of the house.

1/ The phone rings in the kitchen. It is a large,old-fashioned phone with a chime-like ring. MissHavisham ignores it.

6/The traffic has started moving again on themotorway, the police cars and ambulances gone. Asolitary figure dressed smartly in a well-tailoredbusiness suit walks onto the bridge and looks acrossat the new housing estate. It is Harry Argento. Heglances down curiously as the large industrialcleaning vans shower the remains of Sukie theIguana’s suicide away onto the hard shoulder and packup their hoses. Sukie the Iguana appears as a ghostand follows him onto the bridge. She stands closebehind him looking down at the spot where she jumpedthat afternoon. Harry shivers. She passes through himand walks to the end of the motorway bridge towardsthe new housing estate.

46


Jasmine:

James!

James:

I’m just -

Monitor 7 comes back on, and films the Ballroom seton the stage in real-time from a camera placed abovethe stage in the auditorium. Their voices are heardboth live on stage (unamplified) and through themonitor so there may be some ‘doubling’ or an echooccurring when they speak.

3/ Bride-Cake finds a large gold frame, removes aphoto from it and exits the bedroom. We see her enterMonitor 1 the kitchen some moments later. The phonestops ringing

1/ Miss Havisham:

Thank you, I’ll have that.

1/ Miss Havisham takes the frame and places the tornmagazine image into it. Bride-Cake hands her her tea,then takes the chopping board and continues to chopthe lemons.

47


James enters the stage. The rest are seated and’sprit d’Estelle pours them a port.

Stage – 7/ ’sprit d’Estelle

This room is freezing. They say it’s haunted! Listen!

(A wind moves through the room rustling the palmleaves. There is a scratching echo of small animalmovements and paws)

1/ Miss Havisham

I’ve been hearing a young man’s voice about theplace. Giggles and whispers and some rather creakybedsprings in the night. I take it Estelle’s broughtsome stray back with her?

STG-7/ ’sprit d’Estelle

Ssssh!

1/Bride-Cake

How would I know? I’ve been away. But I did see anelegant young man practising yoga on the lawn as Icame in so you may be right.

1/Miss Havisham

48


I’m always right!

STG-7 / ’sprit d’Estelle looks up to the cameraabove the stage and out from the screen of themonitor and addresses the audience:

Will you tell us if you see a ghost?

The lights go off plunging the players into darkness.The hologram rodents are still visible in their owneerie light, and the monitors remain switched on butchange to ‘Night Vision’.

STG-7/ James

There go the lights! (rolls his eyes at Yogaboy)

(He sits next to Jasmine and pours himself some port.Jasmine lights the candles).


Snuggle in, snuggle in! So tell me all! When did youmarry?

STG-7/Jasmine

Three years ago – we did invite you but you were insome commune somewhere and the address was vague!

49



I was in hiding! It was an artists’ commune in Paris.I ran away from La Sainte-Marie.

STG-7/ Jasmine

Finishing school

STG-7/James

I know


They were after me! I had to escape, it was hell!They locked me up, I was a prisoner. I escaped in alaundry basket and hitchhiked to Paris.

STG-7/ James

How very crazy of you!


I hooked up with a street artiste and he brought meto the commune. Those beautiful people looked afterme. They freed my soul.

50


STG-7/Yogaboy

It’s where we met.


You’d have loved it, Jasmine. I thought so much ofyou, when I was there! And your massage oils and allthose wonderful things you taught me. But I was lost.(She looks up to the camera) I was lost. I waspassing Notre-Dame one day and felt a yawning ache inmy heart – right here (she places her hand on herchest). So I went in, I lit a candle and I said‘Mother of mercy! I am a lost sheep. I need yourdirection! Send me a sign so I can know my destiny.’And suddenly there was a smell – a whiff of perfumeand I knew – that was my future!

STG-7/Jasmine

‘Paris – Mon amour, ma joie, ma vie – ’spritd’Estelle!’

STG-7/’sprit d’Estelle

You’ve seen it! You’ve seen the brand! Are you proudof me?

51


(A phone rings again. It is an old, solid ring andechoes through the house. The hologram hutches andanimals fade).

STG- 7/James

Excuse me. (He rises to answer the phone)

STG-7/Yogaboy

It’s everywhere!


I feel blessed. The sales have rocketed. I’m a childof Paris but my soul is Gypsy. Vogue loves it!

STG-7/Jasmine

I bet they do.


They tried to persuade me to launch in Milan but Istamped my foot and said – ‘No! No no no! Paris isheart, soul, passion – Paris is the home of ’spritd’Estelle.’

(There is a crackle and a slight wind. The palm treesrustle. The lights go back on and all monitors switch

52


to ‘Day’. James replaces the receiver and typessomething into his laptop)

STG-7/Jasmine

I bought a bottle, actually. The other day. I’ve beenwearing it all week

(She smells her wrist. ’sprit d’Estelle grabs it fromher eagerly. There is a sharp crackle on themonitors. Jasmine catches hold of ’sprit d’Estelle’shand)

You’ve nicked my recipe. Apart from the vanilla –you’ve added that bit yourself.


Oh Jas, I can’t get anything past you. Yes, it’s yourattar of roses fusion. I was going to confess butyou’re one step ahead. Oh God, are you pissed offwith me?

(Yogaboy and James look shocked)

Well don’t all look at me like that! I did it byaccident. Jasmine, I dibbled and dabbled and gotreally excited – surrounded by these wonderful smellsI was conjuring and thinking of us all back home atRosa Giallo. Then the night before the Paris launch Ismelt a sample and thought – shit! It’s Jasmine’sattar of roses mix. Apart from the vanilla.53


STG-7/Jasmine

That’s the bit that doesn’t smell too good. Itundercuts the depth of the fragrance. Too synthetic.Just a bit too light.


I’d never thought of it that way

(There is another crack)

STG -7/ Jasmine (speaking quickly)

You see, the vanilla tones down the musk so the scentis sweeter. It’s less complex and hits the nosequicker.


You’re right, the vanilla does make it smell a bitshit.

STG-7/Jasmine

It forces the musk to do its work too quickly –pushes its fragrance out in the first burst on a54


faster release. It’s heady but over before you knowit– you want it again so you spray more on. Idealfor a commercial distributor.


I didn’t mean to nick it! Forgive me..

STG-7/Jasmine

The bottle runs out of perfume quickly but the end-scent is hypnotic and will cling to the glass. Thenose seeks out what it’s lost and then the faintwhiff of nutmeg hidden in the base tantalises it.(’sprit d’Estelle bends to kiss Jasmine’s feet) – getup Estelle! Don’t be stupid!

(Monitor 7 goes blank)

Jasmine

How, says the nose,

Sprit d’Estelle

did I not smell that nutmeg before?

Jasmine

55


And the person smelling it will feel

Jasmine and ’sprit d’Estelle together

- a warm glow inside – like they’ve just had a glassof hot milk.

’sprit d’Estelle

And they’ll want more.

Jasmine

It’s clever, Estelle. You made a good choice. You’verearranged the structure of the original in such away that people will go right out and buy anotherbottle. It’s my recipe, but not my perfume.

(Monitor 7 switches back on)

Now if I were to add another scent to it, it wouldnot be vanilla but - but no, it doesn’t matter.


Jasmine, I feel really bad about using it. (takes herhands) I didn’t mean to. And you’re right about thevanilla. Look, I’ll give you half the company –

56


STG -7/Yogaboy

What?!

STG-7/Jasmine

I don’t want half the company.

STG-7/James

Jas!


At least let me give you half the profits –

STG-7/Jasmine

Don’t be silly, Estelle

STG-7/James

Jasmine!

STG -7/Jasmine

James and – Yogaboy, will you give us a minute,please?

57


STG-7/Yogaboy

Sure.

STG-7/James

Jasmine. As your husband and lawyer, I think that anynegotiation over –

STG-7/Jasmine

James. Fuck off and let me talk to ’sprit d’Estelleon my own please. We go a long way back, we’ve a lotto catch up on.

STG-7/James thunders out, snatching up his flute ashe does. Yogaboy follows.

STG- 7/Jasmine

I want something else from you.

The lights go down on the stage, and the sectioncarrying Jasmine, ’sprit d’Estelle and the Ballroomfurniture pulls back behind a curtain taking theplayers and the stage props with it. The mouldy GreatBride-Cake is pulled upstage left, and the chandelierwith it.

58


The bank of monitors moves centre-stage; Monitor 7goes blank again. Hologram vines and flowers growfrom the stage, and twine their way around therabbits and rodents. The image gradually fades.

4/ Minge talks to Po-Leeesze as she passes throughthe gates

4/Minge

You still here?

4/Po-Leeesze

No, I’m just a hologram! What does it look like?

4/Minge

You must be into overtime by now. Hope they pay youwell.

4/Po-Leeesze

Was there something you wanted, Minge?

4/ Minge

Why are women so crap at parking?

59


4/ Po-Leeesze

I don’t know. Why are women so crap at parking?

4/ Minge holds up a forefinger and thumb to leave asmall gap between:

Because men keep telling them that that’s 6 inches!

(Some of the Po-Leeesze chorus smirk, others areunmoved. Minge closes the gates behind her and walksoff cackling in the direction of the motorway bridge.She calls back)

Keep watching those JCBs! There’s plenty round herewould like to steal one!

4/ Po-Leezse watch as Minge walks down the street,then turn their attention back to the front of thegates:

When will I get relief?

My feet are killing me.

We’re way into extra time

It’s a tie-break either side

60


No sign of any let-up

I want someone to blow the whistle

Tell ’em the game’s over.

Look at the time!

Should be home by now

Eating my tea

Watching Eastenders

(They look directly at the audience through thecamera)

What are you lot looking at?

I’m not in the mood for by-standers

Monitor 7 is back on. Jasmine has taken somearomatherapy equipment - bottles, oils, herbs andflowers - from the cabinet and is grinding seed podsin a pestle and mortar on the table-end. ’spritd’Estelle sits by, stroking a small rabbit.

A hologram projection of a blue Asian Slipper Orchidgrows and flowers magnificently from the stalls inthe taped-off squares at rows D-G and R-T

7/ Jasmine:

You always loved that scent

61



I did – I do!

7/ Jasmine, interrupting:

Pass me that, please.

7/ ’sprit d’Estelle passes Jasmine a bottle. Jasminefills it with a liquid substance and shakes it.’sprit d’Estelle sits penitently watching and sipsher port.

2/ James and Yogaboy eneter the Summerhouse onMonitor 2

2/James

I think I’ve got some weed somewhere in here. Jasdoesn’t like me smoking it. She may have thrown itout.

2/Yogaboy

The Summerhouse is beautiful. You actually live here?

2/James

Yes. We live here. Miss Havisham kindly agreed for usto lease it from her. We were in a caravan but it

62


burnt down. We’re building an Eco-House , but it’sway over budget and we’re stuck on the materials.

2/Yogaboy

I’d love to see it.

2/ James

I’ll take you over to it sometime.

2/ Yogaboy

Was Rosa Giallo really a film set?

2/ James (nods)

Mario Silver built it. In the early 60s. Married MissHavisham, she owned the land. They made lots ofmildly risque films out here – English Country Gardenromps! You know the sort, men in frilly shirts andvelvet trousers seducing the wenches - all very muchone type.

(He looks under the mattress. Yogaboy sits on thefloor, fingering James’ flute)

1/ Miss Havisham

63


Bride-Cake. Fetch the hammer and put this pictureabove the fireplace will you. And bring me a bottleof champagne from the cellar. Let’s toast old Silverin his glass coffin.

1/ Bride-Cake fetches the hammer

There you go Miss Havisham.

1/ Miss Havisham shows her the framed photo. We seeit is of a man lying in his coffin. Bride-Cake exitsto the cellar to fetch champagne

2/ James:

They built Rosa Giallo for a sexy re-make of ‘GreatExpectations’, but by all accounts Silver was gettingbored. Wanted to break into the Italian horrorindustry, so half-way through filming he ran off withan Italian actress and divorced Miss H.

2/Yogaboy

Bastard!

2/James

She was very unwell and burnt part of the set down.There were a lot of drugs knocking about. It was alla bit screwy. Very sad.

64


6/ Minge steps on to the motorway bridge and seesHarry. She stops as if she has seen a ghost. Shewalks to him and they talk. We don’t hear the subjectof their conversation but they talk in earnest forsome time. She hurries back towards Rosa Giallo.

2/ James

You should ask Jasmine if you’re interested. Shegrew up here with her dad. She’ll tell you. (findsthe dope) – ah! Here we are!

1/Miss Havisham (hangs the photograph of Silver onthe wall)

He’s looking good. Not a crows-foot in sight. Theymust have pumped that formaldehyde to bursting topush out those old wrinkles.

1/ Bride-Cake (re-enters with champagne):

They’ve been very clever with the skin-tone.

1/ Miss Havisham:

Let’s face it, he knew the best make-up artists inItaly.

65


7/ (Jasmine places a bottle of oil under ’spritd’Estelle’s nose)


Thyme ... in an almond base...

(Jasmine nods)

1/Bride-Cake re-enters with champagne

I was told that Make-Up La Scala sponsored thecortege!

(She pops the cork. They fill their glasses)

7/ (Jasmine repeats the action with another oil)


Orange blossom, lemon-balm, carraway seed... (Jasminenods)

1/Miss Havisham

(chuckles morosely) Just like Silver. Getting someoneelse to pay for it! Tight-arsed till the end. (sheraises a glass to him) Rot in Hell, you bastard! NowBride-Cake, take a look at this picture here (showsher the magazine)

66


1/ Bride-Cake looks for her reading glasses

7/(Jasmine grinds some herbs in a pestle and mortarand lifts it to ’sprit d’Estelle)

7/ ’sprit d’Estelle:...Lavender, angelicaand....coriander. Coriander...? Wow, that’s beautiful

1/Miss Havisham

Come on, Mashallah, why must you always take all day!

1/Bride-Cake

If you would be so good as to let me find my glassesin peace – ah! Here they are. Now- (reads) Mario ‘Silver’-and beautiful wife Lucinda at home in their palatial blahblah –so? What am I looking at here?

1/ Miss Havisham

Her hand, dolt! Look at her hand!

4/ Minge passes back through the gates in acontemplative mood and heads towards the house

1/Bride-Cake (peers closely)

But that’s - the ring!

67


7/ (Jasmine sticks another bottle under Estelle’snose)


Attar of Roses! Your attar of roses fusion. I haven’tsmelt it for so long

(Jasmine passes her the bottle, she inhales itdeeply)

1/Miss Havisham

Old Martha’s engagement ring! The ruby that whore ofBabylon took when she sneaked off with Silver. Andswore she hadn’t!

1/Bride-Cake

Well I never! Old Martha’s ruby ring! I knew she hadit! The tea-leaf! Fancy wearing it in public afterall this time.

1/Miss Havisham

I want it back. Is that Estelle I hear in theGreenhouse? Go and fetch her for me please.

Exit Bride-Cake

7/(’sprit d’Estelle burst into tears)

68


’sprit d’Estelle:

I’m such a thief, but I promise I stole it byaccident.

7/ Jasmine:

I knew you’d make it your own one day. It was a boneI threw you a long time ago. I’m glad you’ve run withit! (pause) Look. I don’t want half the company, orthe money, but there is something I want you to dofor me. Will you do it?


Anything!

7/ Jasmine

The Exposition Fleur Internationale in Paris, theflower show, you know the one.


It’s opening tonight.

7/ Jasmine:

69


You need to get on a plane and get there for me. Yousee the Asian Slipper Orchid in Old Martha’s - it’sdead.

(The hologram flower in rows D -G and R-T withersaway and dies)


What?

7/Jasmine

It’s dead. It died, I- I let it die. Look it’s a longstory, the point is –


How could you let it die? It’s the most importantflower in the greenhouse – Asian Slipper Orchids arelike gold dust! What the hell were you thinking ofletting it die-

7/Jasmine

Look you cow, don’t preach at me! Where the fuck wereyou, eh? Swanning around Paris with my recipe leavingme to hold the fucking fort, to save the fuckinggreenhouse, and the rodent sanctuary, the treehouse,to teach fucking kids about fucking ecology and all

70


the time there’s fucking James screwing some cunt!Shit! (she bursts into tears)

7/’sprit d’Estelle throws her arms around Jasmine

Babes! Babes! Don’t cry, it’s not your fault! Thatbastard! I knew he was sly!

1/ Enter Minge carrying letters. She puts them on thetable and raises her hands dramatically

1/Minge

The great and mighty Thor was flying through the sky,his packet throbbing –

1/ Miss Havisham

I’m not in the mood for fanny jokes.

1/ Minge

It’s good and dirty, it’ll make you laugh

7/Jasmine

He had an affair, I lost the plot and I let theorchid in the greenhouse die. I’ve really fucked up’Stell -

71


1/Minge (speaks fast)

The great and mighty Thor - flying through the sky -his packet throbbing and he sees this beautiful woman

1/Miss Havisham

Shut it Minge. No fannies, dicks or boobs ok!

1/Minge (shakes her head, sighs)

I hate to see a grown woman so down on the subject ofQuim.

7/ ’sprit d’Estelle (still comforting Jasmine)

Fuck the orchid for the moment, babes. Tell me whatthat bastard did.

1/ Minge stares at the picture of Silver thenannounces with high drama

1/ Minge

I think I’ve seen a ghost!

1/Miss Havisham

Where?

72


1/Minge

He looked just like Silver -

1/ Miss Havisham

Don’t talk rot, Minge!

1/Minge

-down at the motorway bridge. He was the spit imageof him!

1/Miss Havisham

I’m not listening to your nonsense.

1/Minge

The spit-image of -

1/Miss Havisham

Chop your lemons! Keep your ghost stories toyourself.

A hologram of Harry appears in the squares D-G and R-T. He stands facing the stage.73


2/ James is rolling a joint. Yogaboy resumes a lotusposition, regarding James as one would a guru. Wehear a rustle of wind and leaves from offstage. It isthe ghost of Sukie the Iguana. It is unclear at firstwhich room she is in, but we hear her voice.

7/Jasmine

I found out last year he’d been seeing this – Sukie.Sukie the Iguana –she’s like a lizard – beady eyes,thin lips, flappy-jawed square smile.Psychotherapist. A right cold bitch.


You knew her?

Sukie the Iguana (offstage)

We were friends for years - but never got close.

7/Jasmine

She was always flirting with James in little ways,you know pouting her lips, playing ‘baby’. Reallyimmature. James

Sukie the Igunana (offstage)

used to ignore it74


7/Jasmine

found it embarrassing and we laughed it offafterwards, y’know.


Was she married?

7/Jasmine

Yeah, to Steve. Nice bloke. He just accepted herdoing it –

Sukie the Iguana (giggles)

‘That’s Sukie! You know what she’s like!’

7/Jasmine

It pissed me off but from a women’s point of view youknow? I used to think ‘Grow up woman! Why are you sofixed on the blokes?’ It seemed reductive – and -boring. There was no joy in her, she was always onshow. (pauses)

2/ Enter the ghost of Sukie the Iguana on Monitor 2.She is holding her nose which is bleeding. She sitson the bed, curling her legs under her, and watchesthe men. They are oblivious to her presence

75


7/ Jasmine

She knew James from school. They went out when theywere teenagers but she dumped him for his best mate.

1/Miss Havisham (resumes her lemon-cutting)

You must break his heart.

7/Jasmine:

All his female school-friends hated her.

2/Sukie the Iguana (whispers)

All the girls hate me

7/Jasmine

But James liked her. She was the witness at ourwedding

2/Sukie the Iguana (whispers)

I was the witch at their wedding

7/Jasmine

None of his mates would talk to her so we put her ona table with my friends instead and one of them saidto me later

76


2/ Sukie the Iguana (spoken together)

‘She’s poison! You should watch her!

7/Jasmine

‘She’s poison! You should watch her!

She doesn’t like you and she’s definitely afterJames’

7/‘sprit d’Estelle

No shit!

7/’Jasmine:

She was asking for information – dirt - about me – atour wedding!

1/ Minge

Did I ever tell you about my good friend, PeterPenis-Head? He was a large, brawny cock of a fellow –

1/Miss Havisham

I’m not hearing it! Leave me alone, Minge!

2/ Sukie the Iguana77


When he told me he was marrying her, I – (she does asharp intake of breath and holds the tip of her nose)


Why didn’t you cut her loose?

2/Sukie the Iguana dabs her nose with tissues. Thebleeding stops. She sighs, and stretches outlanguidly on the bed, eyeing James coyly as she does.He is oblivious to her presence.

7/Jasmine

She was James’ friend. He never liked mine, sulkedwhen we went to parties, so I ended up going aloneand he’d just take himself off to Sukie and Steve’s.

2/Sukie the Iguana rolls over on to her side andraises her skirt slightly, admiring her legs, andrubbing her toes seductively up her calves. Shearranges her top so her cleavage reveals itself andlightly fondles her breast.


And before you knew it –

7/ Jasmine

78


I’d stopped seeing my gang and we were doingeverything with them – New Year, birthdays...alwaysat theirs!

2/Sukie the Iguana

I hear you’ve been unwell!

2/ James (to Yogaboy)

Do you play?

2/ Yogaboy

A bit.

(Yogaboy lifts the flute to his lips and tries tofind the right ombutchure. It makes a dry raspingsound)

7/ Jasmine

Her gatherings were weird. You’d see women sittingclose to their partners, waiting for her to directthe conversation – because it was no use trying tohave a conversation of your own – she’d interrupt itand change the subject to what she thought everybodyshould talk about.

(Sukie the Iguana picks up a t-shirt belonging toJames and smells it)

79


2/Sukie the Iguana

Now - I know how that feels –

7/Jasmine

Her house. Her rules. Controlling the socialsituation.

Hologram images of JCBs and the Po-Leeezse line theback of the auditorium

7’’sprit d’Estelle

And flirting with the all the blokes.

7/Jasmine

I could see her doing it – she’d play body-language,mirror peoples’ moves, mimic vocabulary, play status,y’know, little passive-aggressive put-downs to theother women! And simpering every time a man so muchas looked at her!

2/James takes a long, philosophical drag of the jointand settles his head back. His eyes rest on whereSukie the Iguana is lying but cannot see her. Helooks right through her. She instantly responds tohis gaze and begins to stroke her neck, her headcoquettishly on one aside

80


2/Sukie the Iguana

I’m listening

7/Jasmine

So- surburban - and depressing.

2/Sukie the Iguana

She doesn’t understand you

1/Miss Havisham

(thumps the lemons harder and slices them savagely inher own reverie)

Are you afraid to be in a room with a woman whohasn’t seen the sun since the day you were born?

(1/Minge rolls her eyes)

7/Jasmine

James thought I was over-analysing so I just ignoredher and spoke to Steve. Steve was good to talk to. Iworked with him at one of the schools –


Do you still see him?

81


2/Sukie the Iguana

Steve’s really angry

7/Jasmine:

We’ve cut all contact. Her idea! Didn’t want me andSteve to ‘corroborate’ details of the affair witheach other – ‘corroborate’!

4/Po-Leeesze:

I can corroborate nothing.

7/Jasmine

Steve says he’d kill James if he comes anywhere nearhim and I’d kill Sukie – well, not kill – I’m notgoing down for that bitch – but if I saw her I’d gofor her, you know maybe - grab her by the hair, spitin her eyes, drag her to the nearest pile of dogshitand rub her face in it, tear her clothes off andleave her naked in the nearest shopping centre with

1/Miss Havisham, 4/ Po-Leeesze, 7/Jasmine

‘Whore Whore Whore!’

7/ Jasmine

82


scrawled across her breasts in marker pen.


I’d kill her.

7/ Jasmine pauses for a moment and wipes her eyeswith her hand.

Harry the hologram, still in rows D-G and R-T takes amobile phone out of his pocket and holds it to hisear. He talks into it animatedly. There is no sound.There is silence for a full minute and then thehologram Harry puts his mobile phone away and theprojection of him disappears

2/Yogaboy

How did you and Jasmine get together?

2/James

I got her out of prison

2/Sukie the Iguana looks at James sorrowfully andcurls into herself, pouting.

2/Yogaboy

83


Jasmine? In prison?

7’sprit d’Estelle

How could he treat you like this?

2/James

She was up for breaking and entering a military base.

4/Po-Leeezse and 2/James

A regular

2/James

Intelligent and articulate, representing herself.They’d separated her from her fellow protestors.Wanted to

4/Po-Leeezse and 2/James

Make an example of her.


You used to be so strong

84


7/Jasmine

He does love me.

2/James

She’d been inside for six months waiting for a trialdate. She was really low when I met her, not muchhope left. I persuaded her to let me take the case onand we got a lenient sentence. She was releasedalmost straight away.

2/Sukie the Iguana frowns and sniffs, making ‘sad-baby’ eyes at James. She places her fingers over theend of her nose.

2/Sukie the Iguana

I don’t know what’s wrong, James. I just feel reallylow.

7/Jasmine

(recovers her composure) It’s hard, you know. I felthim drifting away from me. I thought – keep talkingto James, keep showing him what she’s doing and shewon’t touch us. Try and understand her I thought; itcan’t be easy.

85


2/James suddenly appears to see Sukie the Iguana. Heleans forward and meets her eyes. She perks up andleans forward.

2/Sukie the Iguana

I’m just being silly! You know what I’m like. Justignore me! (she dabs her nose)

7/Jasmine

The thing is, I felt sorry for Sukie – herloneliness. She’d sometimes talk to me about plants,homeopathy - but you could only get so far. She’dstop, mid-conversation, walk off like you’d offendedher. It was weird – like a switch in her head – cutyou dead.


Power-playing, little games, one step removed.

7/Jasmine

She’s a bit of a coke-head. And big on NLP.


I hate that phoney bullshit!

86


5/ Bride-Cake enters the Treehouse looking for Minge.She looks out across the gardens towards themotorway, and sees Harry looking through the gates.

2/Yogaboy

You and Jasmine – man! You must have such a bond!

2/James blinks as if waking up and looks straightthrough Sukie the Iguana no longer able to see her.

2/ James (pause)

Yes. I think we do.

2/ Sukie the Iguana snaps out of her mournfulexpression, and glares furiously at James andYogaboy. She dives under the quilt and thrashesaround furiously under the covers upsetting thepillows and the sheet.

The hologram JCBs make their way down the centralaisles of the auditorium towards the stage. They stopat the centre of the theatre.

7/ Jasmine:

87


Sukie was so busy being other people, she wasn’treally there. She’d take stories you’d told her -about things that had happened to you, and the nexttime you saw her in a group, she’d tell it as if ithad happened to her. It’s like she was always livingsomeone else’s life, looking for an opportunity totake something from them.


She was a vampire.

2/Sukie the Iguana emerges from the quilt havingfound Jasmine’s pyjamas. She strips herself naked anddresses in them, then smoothes the quilt down andcrawls into bed, eyeing James with a steelyexpression.

7/Jasmine

I could see her emptiness - her methods, and becauseI could see it I thought it was safe to get close. Tooffer warmth, to try and find what might be there –under all the game-playing, the flirting, the copyingof others – but all the time she was playing me,copying me, working out how to ‘be me’ and how to getJames. And she did. And now we’re as empty as her!(bursts into tears) You know the worst thing –

7/ Jasmine and 2 Sukie the Iguana

88


- the affair itself – it was so cold. The sex wasjust – you know – missionary position – I do you, youdo me – a bit of a blow job, the odd try at doggy-style. Clinical sex in clinical rooms. Business-manhotels on the motorway.

2/ Sukie the Iguana

We planned it meticulously.

7/Jasmine

Booked it in their diaries.

2/ Sukie the Iguana:

All very grown up!

7 / Jasmine:

She wore these sensible black boned polyester Naziknickers!

2/ Sukie the Iguana

Bought specially!


Nanny rather than tart!

89


7/Jasmine

And you know (leans forward) when she came, shedidn’t make a sound – well, not properly just aslight ‘mew’ – a breath. No passion. Job done.Nothing out of place.

2/Sukie the Iguana does a sharp gasp and puts herhand to her nose. She dives back under the cover andthrashes around furiously. There is a 30-secondsilence

7/ Jasmine

I asked him, you know, I wanted every detail, I said- what did she smell like, what did she taste of, andyou know what he said –

2/Sukie the Iguana and 7/Jasmine

Nothing.

(There is a 20-second silence. Sukie the Iguanaemerges from the covers, lifts her arm and slowlysmells her armpit. She licks the flesh near it, andgradually sniffs her body and makes little licks withher tongue all over)

7/Jasmine.90


No smell or taste to her. He found it odd. She smeltand tasted of nothing (pauses)...She wasso ..clean...so...sterile..I’ve been...dragging theinformation out of him

4/Po-Leeeesze

Crime-scene reconstruction

Every scrap of evidence

Send it to Forensics

7/Jasmine

just –trying to map the pieces...make sense of theholes...It’s like a bomb’s exploded in my life.Nothing feels real. I’m just..numb. (’spritd’Estelle hugs her.)

(There is a 30-second silence. Sukie the Iguanaslowly lies back under the covers. James passesYogaboy the toke, and takes the flute from him. Helifts it to his lips and plays).

1/ Minge is opening the post

Hey, Havisham (pauses for 10 seconds) Do you rememberme in that graveyard scene in The Wicker Man?

91


1/Miss Havisham

How could I forget? Your knockers were nearlybouncing off the tombstone.

(7/ ’sprit d’Estelle passes Jasmine the rabbit tocuddle)

1/Minge

They’ve sent me more royalties! Where’s the pot?

(Miss Havisham passes her a jar containing cash andcheques; Minge deposits her cheque in it). Theyfocused on me quite a bit didn’t they? When we wereall dancing up the hill, swaying in the Scottishsunshine, off to burn dear Edward (sings) ‘And thenthe seed became a man and then the man, he gave theseed’

1/Miss Havisham

That was the Maypole scene, you weren’t in that one.

1/Minge

I was singing off-camera. And making the gestures(makes a crude gesture) ‘Oooh Inspector!’ (releases ahigh-pitched giggle). You were the lucky one, thoughHav, you got the good breaks –

92


1/Miss Havisham

How dare you say that to me! My life was destroyed bythe film industry! I am a –victim – a shipwreck of awoman chewed up and spat out!! Go away! Go on – getout!

2/ Yogaboy (inhales deeply)

Beautiful!

1/Minge

I’ve put my foot in it again, haven’t I?

1/Miss Havisham

Just – go!

1/Minge

Oh dear. I didn’t mean any harm, cock –

7/ Jasmine

He’s really sorry, you know and he does love me, it’sjust – my friends have gone, Dad’s dead, OldMartha’s gone -

93


1/Miss Havisham

Why do you hang round here to plague me?

1/Minge

I just meant you got some good parts in the earlydays. I know you had it hard after, and – my heartbleeds for you for what happened. But what’s done isdone, sweetheart. You must give it all up a bit.Come on, Let me tell you about .. the Great andMighty God Thor! Flying through the sky one day, hispacket throbbing and - (her eye catches sight of thephoto of Silver and she looks at it closely) well,look at him all decked out! Black velvet gloves, thatsilly knife... Got him where you want him now? Safelyin a box!

1/Miss Havisham

It’s not as easy as it looks – I keep remembering –


Tell me about the Orchid

7/Jasmine

I should n’t have let it die but it was – straightafter.

94


1/Miss Havisham and 7/Jasmine

I stayed curled up on the sofa for days, couldn’tface anything

I got this mad cleaning fit on and cleaned every inchof the house

burned all his clothes, my clothes

I kept finding her hair everywhere –

I was a woman obsessed by hairs, pubes, tillreceipts – it was mad.

I felt polluted by her – by both of them. His skinfelt as cold as hers.

2/Sukie the Iguana begins to writhe and moan in thebed. James and Yogaboy are oblivious to her presence.

7/ Jasmine

We had loads of sex, but it was horrible – noconnection. It’s like she was there in the bed withus.

1/Miss Havisham

I cleared the house of everything and bought newthings. I couldn’t stop cleaning, checking everythingout. Followed him everywhere; checking he was wherehe should be.

95


1/Minge

Left you with a nice dose of crabs I recall -

7/Jasmine

We had to have Aids tests. The arsehole didn’t use acondom, so that was three months waiting around and Icouldn’t relax until I knew I was clear.

1/Miss Havisham

I started breaking up the house, smashed everythingin sight and when I couldn’t bear looking at thepieces anymore I burnt it! Burnt the fucking thingdown!

4/ Po-Leeesze

She went mad the old bag, burnt half the place down

The breath of a poisonous dragon

Laid waste to this -

7/Jasmine

I didn’t go in to the greenhouse for weeks. Couldn’tface it. I closed it to the public then everyone

96


started moaning. I knew I had to go back to it. Andwhen I did – the Asian Slipper was dead.

2/James stops playing the flute

The hologram of the Orchid re-appears in rows D-G andR-T


The only one available to the public in Britain.

7/ Jasmine

In Europe! But (takes ’sprit d’Estelle’s hands)Professor Heng-Suh’s bringing one to Paris and it’sexhibiting at the Fleur Internationale. Estelle –you’ve got to get it for me. You’re on the guest listright?


Of course I am – but – shit, Jas – they’ll havesecurity guards and cameras and bloody red ropesaround it. And what about all the people coming tosee it? Look I’m up for it! It’s fucking mad, but –babes, I’m shit scared of letting you down. You’vebeen through so much. Oh Jasmine! Forget about theorchid and stupid James. You’ve got me now. I’mfamily! Leave him. Come with me to Paris – we can go

97


into business together! The Perfume Sisters! And thenwe’ll buy fuck-loads of rare orchids and build a newgreenhouse if we have to -

7/Jasmine

’Stelle, I love him and this is my home. I need thatorchid. Old Martha’s – the Sanctuary - I’m fighting –I’m fighting for the bones. (’sprit d’Estelle nods).So will you do it?


Shit Jasmine! You don’t ask much do you.

1/Hologram images of Miss Havisham and Minge in thekitchen appear on the stage. The hologram matches theimage of them on the monitor seen by the audience.

7/Jasmine

It’s only a little plant. It will be in a pot. You’llfind a way. You can get bloody into or out ofanything when you want.


This is true. I am (strikes a pose) Le Chat!98


7/Jasmine

The Trust doesn’t know that the orchid’s dead. We hada stay of execution for that one plant alone. Crazy,I know but they’ve got a flourishing BotanicalGardens on the other side of the new estate and theywon’t miss this one. They’ll bulldoze it all.


Cross my heart, I’ll do my best. Oh my God! I’m goingto steal an orchid! My God, this is fantastic! I needYogaboy here, he’ll be so excited – don’t worry Iwon’t tell him everything, I’ll just say I have to goon a top-secret mission. He can stay with you.

7/Jasmine

I’ll go and find him. You need to pack, I’ll sort theticket. ’Stelle – thanks. Thanks for being you. It’sso good to see you. (They embrace. Exit Jasmine)

1/Minge

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

(Miss Havisham shakes her head. Minge makes spittingsounds through her teeth and rubs her gums with herfinger)

1/Miss Havisham99


It’s a long time since either of us had that problem

1/Minge

Speak for yourself! (They giggle and pour themselvessome more champagne)

7/ ’sprit d’Estelle moves to the hutches and pokesher finger through, trying to stroke the animals.


’sprit d’Estelle! Flying like the wind to Paris monamour ma vie... on an errand of danger anddaring....the perfumed air hangs round her like acloak as she steps – magnificently , wearing Gucciand Chanel – silent as a cat into the throng ofstarlets...Am I brave, bunnies? Am I brave? All thisto save the greenhouse! And Jasmine. And to saveyou...in your lovely Ballroom!

1/Miss Havisham (yells)

Bride-Cake! Bride-Cake! Will you fetch bloodyEstelle! (to Minge) I’ve a little job for her.


Sounds like I’m being called for bunny! Well, let’snot go, eh. I want to spend some time with you. Let’s

100


wait for Bride-Cake mashallah to come running for me– yes, that’s a good idea, yes!

1/Miss Havisham shows Minge the magazine

Look at this!

1/Minge

Old Martha’s ring!

1/Miss Havisham

I want Estelle to steal it back for me! She’s a goodlittle thief when she wants to be, can get into orout of anything.

(7/ ’sprit d’Estelle giggling, turns as if noticingthe CCTV camera for the first time. To camera)

Ssssh! You won’t tell on me will you!

(There is intereference. The lights on every monitorflicker. The stage plunges into darkness. Everyonelooks to the camera – the whole cast stares out atthe audience through the frame of their particularmonitor. There are strange whispers, murmurs andscratching sounds as the monitors switch on and off.The players remain fixed on staring at the camera.

101


Again, there is the sound of the phone ringing. Theplayers look away from the cameras and resume theiractivities).

1/Minge

After all this time! That’s worth another drink! (sherefills their glasses)


(She points to the lens, showing the rabbit where tolook) There, my darling – look! Look! Give them anice smile!

(She then cradles the rabbit and stands up to thelens, adjusting it to her satisfaction. She standsback and addresses the camera directly)

Welcome to our sanctuary. Our home for lost,abandoned, broken, battered and abused small animals.However small your rodent, if it needs a place tostay, we’ll offer it a cosy hutch. We have all sortshere – rats, mice, ferrets, hamsters, gerbils, guineapigs, fallen sparrows, startled starlings, lost,lame, beakless wide-eyed wandering lost and lonelyducks. We give them their quack back.

And of course, we have rabbits (kisses the rabbit).Beautiful, soft, furry

102


pelts, so warm and sweet to the touch. Look how hernose quivers – (to rabbit) yes, you’re beautifulyou’re beautiful!

(to camera) The rabbit is, of course, the symbol ofour sanctuary. (she moves a large candlestick fromthe table to reveal an embossed rabbit insignia tothe birds’-eye view of the camera). There’s a sadstory to this, which I am happy to relate.

2/ Jasmine enters the Summerhouse. Yogaboy looks ather with a new-found admiration – his mobile phonebeeps – he reads it

2/Jasmine

Estelle wants you in the Ballroom. Take the spliffwith you.

2/Yogaboy (nods appreciation)

Laters!

(exit Yogaboy)

2/ Sukie the Iguana sits bolt upright in the bed andfrowns. She slinks down under the covers and slidesout and away into the corner of the room where shestands glaring like a malevolent shadow. She snatchesa bottle of perfume from the dressing table then

103


sprays it out into the room in Jasmine’s direction asif spraying a fly.


When Miss Havisham was a girl, her father owned abrewery. You can still see the remains of this in thegrounds of the house. Now in disrepair, his brewingequipment lies rotting – subject to all the nibblesand cobwebs offered by our local wildlife – the onceproud barrels immured in the mud, their guts spilledopen, no corn is stored there.

4/ Harry enters monitor 4. He nods to Po-Leeesze andexchanges a few words, then stands, looking throughthe gates and up to the house.


Now the father, a fat, beery man, very stern, forbadeMiss Havisham the pursuit of soft things. His wifehad died in childbirth leaving Miss Havishamsquirming purple in a dish, to be picked up, bathedand rough-dried by the calico-rasping hands of themidwife, a one Mrs Partridge, a woman who knew how todeliver a baby done-and-dusted-with-no-fuss. Hardnessbecame her fate, and the soft plum of her mother’sbody but an empty shell, a memory of breath andwarmth.

104


(The doors to the Wings open and a number of the Po-Leeesze chorus enter the auditorium and stand at thefoot of the steps leading to the stage)


The father took to his bed, he took to his beer, hetook to his boots. He threshed out his fury in thecorn - and, they say, on the body of his maidservantwho left, round-bellied some months later.

1/ Miss Havisham

She liked it rough.

1/Minge (eyeing Miss Havisham’s exposed breast)

You should cover yourself up. You’re falling out.

1/Miss Havisham

There’s no-one round here worth putting on a showfor.

1/Minge

Very true.


The raising of the child was left to Old Martha105


1/ Minge

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?


who suckled her as one of her own.

1/ Minge and Miss Havisham

We’d better get some support - or people will thinkwe’re nuts! ( Minge gestures ‘boobs’ and ‘nuts’ andhoots with laughter)

7/ ‘sprit d’Estelle

Now the neighbours thought this very strange. Formulamilk having just been invented, one would haveexpected Old Martha to get herself down the Co-Op,and buy a tin or two. But she didn’t. She nursed thechild from her own breast. The neighbours shook theirheads, muttered about ‘posh folk’ and drank thebrewers beer. He was the only supplier around , hehad the market sewn up, they had no choice.

1/ Miss Havisham (holding up a lemon)

Here’s to old Silver and his mouldy nuts!

(she slams the lemon down with gusto and chops it inhalf)

106


2/Jasmine

You should stop smoking that shit. It’s no good, it’stoo strong.

2/James

So grow me some better stuff. Are you going to tellme what’s going on?

2/Jasmine types something into the laptop

I’m booking a plane ticket for Estelle, she’s goingto Paris tonight (stops and sniffs the air) – what’sthat smell? – (she stands up and starts smelling theroom as if looking for evidence)

2/James

Your perfume

2/Jasmine

I haven’t used that one for months

7/Yogaboy enters the ballroom silently and watches’sprit d’Estelle

107


4/Harry takes photos through the gates. He puts thecamera away and reaches into his pocket bringing outa small Polaroid photo. He stares at it for sometime.

1/Miss Havisham

(has slumped into a morose mood again) Where the hellis Bride-Cake? I need her to bring Estelle to me.(yells) Bride-Cake!

( The hologram JCBs move further down the aislestowards the stage)


Now when Miss Havisham was seven, she found a nest ofbaby rabbits. The mother was dead, caught by a fox,but as fate and the cycle of life would have it, asthe fox sank his greedy teeth into the motherrabbit’s neck, a farmer spied it from a distance andshot it. The baby rabbits were left motherless in theburrow until Miss Havisham found them. She fell inlove immediately – their round soft heads, theirsleepy, still-closed eyes. She wrapped them in herlunchbox and carried the home. Her father grudginglylet her raise them for a week, then insisted they bereleased into the wild. ‘I’ll take them’ he said, andwhistled for his dog.

1/ Miss Havisham (yells)108


Bride-Cake!

7/ ‘sprit d’Estelle (to the rabbits)

Cover your ears now, bunny, this is the sad bit. (Shecovers the rabbit’s ears and snuggles her in, thenabruptly puts it back in the hutch. To the camera)

Miss Havisham followed her father at a distance, soeager was she to get a last glimpse of the bunniesbefore they hopped away across the field. But thenshe saw her father stop. Hiding behind a tree, shesaw him – dangling the baby rabbits one by one abovethe dog – and dropping them into its jaws, until theywere all gone.

(2/ Jasmine pulls back the quilt on the bed andsmells the sheets)

1/ Miss Havisham:

Bride-Cake Mashallah!


When her father returned, Old Martha said, ‘Did youlet them go?’ ‘Oh yes’, he says, ‘they hopped offacross the field, happy as Larry. We won’t see themagain. Back in the wild now, where they belong’

109


(Yogaboy curls himself round ’sprit d’Estelle andlooks up at the camera with her)

7/ Yogaboy

That’s a sad story.


All the stories of this house are sad.

(2/ Sukie the Iguana cocks her head as if hearingsomething, then exits the Summerhouse unseen by Jamesand Jasmine. Jasmine gives an involuntary shudder asshe passes)

4/ Po-Leeesze

You haven’t heard the half of it yet!

5/ Bride-Cake climbs the treehouse and looks acrossat the gates. She sees Harry and suddenly starts asif she recognised him.

7/ ’sprit d’Estelle assumes a ‘documentary’ positionto the camera again.

And from that day on Miss Havisham committed her lifeto the cause of small animals – particularly therabbit – and we ask for your kind co-operation in110


supporting our Great Rabbit Ballroom and RodentSanctuary! Don’t allow it to be bulldozed! Save ouranimals!

(The other half of the Po-Leesze chorus nod to Harry,then exit Monitor 4. The hologram images of MissHavisham and Minge fade from the stage)

7/Yogaboy

Save our animals! (He bends down, picks three lemonsup from the floor and juggles them as her speaks).

Are we making a film?


A documentary. Well, a campaign trailer for oursanctuary. Did you get the outfits?

7/ Yogaboy

They’re sending them by Parcelforce, they’ll be herein the morning.

(The remaining Po-Leesze chorus enter the auditoriumthrough the stage door to the Wings stand facing theaudience)

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(Monitor 6 goes blank)

1/Miss Havisham (shouts)

Bride-Cake! Do I have to scream myself into a bloodycoma! Bring Estelle to me! Now! Or I will fire yourprim little arse from here to -

(5/ Bride-Cake hears Miss Havisham calling from thekitchen)

5/ Bride-Cake

On my way, m’Lady! I’ll be right with you. (she exitsthe screen. Monitor 5 goes blank)

7/’ sprit d’Estelle

I’d better go and see what she wants! Darling, I haveto go away tonight – on a top-secret mission.

2/ Jasmine grabs the sheets and sniffs them, thenpicks odd hairs off the pillow and holds them up tothe light.

2/James

Oh not again. Do we have to examine every singlething – look, what did Estelle say, did she offer youmoney?112


2/Jasmine (holding up a hair to the light)

Does that look Blonde to you?

2/James

I don’t know and I don’t care. Can we stay in thereal world for a minute. You know, the world wherepeople have to pay bills and put a roof over theirheads. What did Estelle say about the perfume company– from a copyright perspective, she owes you -(Jasmine forces him to look at the hair she isholding) Ok – it’s not a blonde hair, it’s brown,look – (he holds it against Jasmine’s head) – it’sone of yours - but I’m not putting up with thismadness anymore. It’s been over a year, ok. She’s notbeen here – do you hear me – she’s not been here!

2/Jasmine

(bursts into tears) She’s everywhere! This room, thishouse – I can’t get clean of her! She’s in me, inyou! I can smell her perfume – smell! (James smells,and starts a bit reluctantly as if he has smeltsomething familiar) Her perfume – it’s here, in theroom!

2/James

I swear I haven’t seen her –

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Who do you think – watches us. Through those cameras.

7/Yogaboy

I don’t know. I don’t really give it much thought.

2/Jasmine

She destroyed our marriage! You destroyed ourmarriage! You with that slut, that whore, that bitchfrom hell! She’s everywhere! I can’t get clean! Herpubes on my dressing gown, on my soap, in my bed! Imight as well have fucked her myself! Not that I’dwant that stone-cold dragon on my face!

7/Yogaboy

The outer body is but a shell. Cameras can only showa brief figuring of human activity – a sketch ofreality. They can’t film what’s on the inside. Whocares who’s behind them! Perhaps there’s nobodythere! Perhaps it’s just an empty box!

2/ Jasmine (she spits at James)

You’ve seen her!

2/James spits back in her face and roars114


I - haven’t!

7/ ‘sprit d’Estelle

I want someone to be there. I want an audience.(Waves at the camera) Hallo! Hallo! I know you’rethere! (whispers to Yogaboy) You mustn’t say it’sjust an empty box. You see, audiences are likefairies. If you don’t believe they’re there – theydie! The cameras are real. There’s always somebodythere.

2/ Jasmine (crying). You’ve seen her (she spits athim again. James shakes his head and wipes a huge bitof ‘gob’ off his shirt) You’ve spoken to her –

2/James

Ok, I have

2/Jasmine hits him in the face. He pushes her backagainst a glass-fronted cabinet. It shatters

2/Jasmine

You fucker! My back! (she sits weeping silently)

2/James

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Darling, I’m so sorry...wait, don’t lean back, you’vegot some splinters...

2/Jasmine

Am I bleeding?

2/ James

No, but you’ve got some splinters in your hair, wait,I’ll get them off. (he gets the splinters off).

7/’sprit d’Estelle (to camera)

Go on, you can go away now! The show’s over. Getsigning petitions, write to your MP or something!Save our sanctuary! And give us your money! (toYogaboy) Come on I’ll tell you where I’m going on theway.

Exit ’sprit d’Estelle and Yogaboy from monitor 7.

1/Minge puts the knife and lemons down.

Right, I’m done. That’s enough lemon-chopping for me.Why don’t you call it a day, too, give yourself abreak

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1/ Miss Havisham shakes her head. Minge makes twosmall fists with her hands. She places them next toeach other and turns them so the wrists face upwards.

1/ Minge

If I have - a moth ball in this hand, and a moth ballin the other – what do I have?

1/Miss Havisham sighs and shakes her head.

1/Minge and 4/ Po-Leeesze including those in theauditorium

A very happy moth!

1/Miss Havisham, 2/ James and Jasmine

We can’t go on like this.

1/Minge

I’ll leave you to your lemons.

Exit Minge from Monitor 1. Monitor 3 goes blank.

2/Jasmine

Are all the bits of glass out?

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2/James

I think so. You’re not bleeding.

(The phone rings)

2/Jasmine

The room’s full of her perfume.

2/James

I can’t explain that. But she did ring me thisafternoon and I don’t know why - I swear on my lifeI haven’t seen her for months. She just rang me outof the blue -

(The phone stops ringing)

2/Jasmine

Where from?

2/James

The motorway bridge (He takes a sharp breath in)118


2/Jasmine

Ring Steve!

2/James

I’m not ringing Steve – what - ?

(Jasmine has already dialled the number)

2/Jasmine

Steve?...Oh my God (she listens, hearing the news ofSukie’s death).....

Po-Leeezse – split into 4 sections. The following issaid together but with each section starting a bitbehind the other and repeated to create a discordantsound:

At a chemical distance

On the motorway,

a certain nothingness of sorrow and ice

waited at Lover’s Bridge

2/Jasmine

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Of course...I’ll...Let me know...(she replaces thereceiver)

2/James

What’s wrong? What did he say?

2/Jasmine

Sweetheart. Sukie’s dead.

7/Sukie the Iguana

I’m listening.

(There is interference in the sound on Monitor 2, andit cuts to silence. We see James retch and keel over.Jasmine catches him and holds him tightly)

Po-Leeezse (as one chorus again):

Like the sweet decay of petals

When the flowers have stood in the vase for too long

Like the mulch of apples underfoot

Windfalls

Pecked at by the birds

Unfit for human consumption

So left for the worms in Winter120


And the sharp tang of the bitterest lemon-rind

Such is the smell of a dead lover’s perfurme.

Monitors 2 and 4 go blank

7/Sukie the Iguana appears on monitor 7 and walksaround the ballroom taking it in. She circles aroundthe mouldy wedding cake and raises her hands over itlike a curse. A wind blows through the room and thepalm trees rustle their leaves. The animals begin toscratch at the hutches and make small squeakingnoises. A hologram of Sukie the Iguana is projectedonto the stage in front of the Great Bride-Cake. Shehas her back to the audience. Enter Minge onto thereal stage. Her voice is heard through the monitor aswell as live.

7/Minge

Who are you? What are you doing here?

7/Sukie the Iguana hides her nose with her hand butdoes not turn around.

7/Minge:

What do you want?

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(7/Minge moves in closer).

7/Minge

I know who you are. You’ve no business being here. Goon, beat it! Take your Iguana face out of here andgo before I thrash you out with my own bare hands!

(Sukie the Iguana turns around and faces Minge. Herface is transformed into that of a lizard. She hissesand the hologram of her disappears from the stage.Monitor 7 goes blank. The rattle of wind, palm treesand animals increases and Miss Havisham pauses in herlemon-chopping and looks around her. There is a fullblackout of all monitors and stage lighting, thensilence. Exit Minge)

End of Act 1.

The curtain falls on the stage and the house-lightsgo on. The audience is asked to leave the auditoriumduring the interval, and to take all belongings withthem. There is a long interval. CCTV cameras film theaudience in the bar area. ’sprit d’Estelle and Mingeappear in evening wear and mingle with the audienceduring the interval, asking people if they’reenjoying their evening and generally buildingrapport. They act as if they are at a film premiere,waving across the room at people as if meeting oldfriends and winking at the CCTV cameras every now and

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then. They remain in the bar area when the audiencereturn to the auditorium.

TECHINCAL NOTES FOR ACT 2:

When the audience return to the auditorium, the Po-Leeesze have joined the Front-of-House staff and aredirecting people to their seats. The house-lights godown and the hologram images of the JCB remainsuspended in the squares.

The stage has been totally re-set in the interval.Three CCTV monitors are still in view. Two are placedfar downstage right, and one far downstage left, infront of the curtain. Much of Act 2 takes place inthe Summerhouse and in Miss Havisham’s bedroom. Thereis a central, revolving carousel set with twointeriors. The actors will inhabit these rooms inreal-time location and be present, physically uponthe stage for much of Act 2. Though physicallypresent on the stage, their voices are dubbed, andtransmitted to the audience through a soundtrack. Theactors perform the script in full, mouthing the wordssilently. The live actors should play the scene witha full energy and not worry if the voice-over isslightly out of synch with them. When actors are inthe auditorium space (aisles, balconies and stalls)their natural voices are heard.

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The upstage right section of the stage and its backwall is painted with great precision and in rich,vibrant colours. The painting is in the style of anIndian Miniature and draws inspiration from images ofthe home painted by artists Amrit and Rabindra KDKaur Singh. I recommend that a set painter looks attheir work before making this. The painted flat showsa ‘cross-section’ of La Giallo Rosa complete withroof, outside walls and gardens. Some rooms areshown in larger proportion to others. Rooms depictedinclude those shown on the monitors in Act 1, and thepainting should accurately reconstruct the interiorsthat the audience have already seen on the screens.

Rooms to place centrally include the Great Ballroomwith its palms, mouldy wedding cake, rodent sanctuaryand perfume cabinet; the Greenhouse adjoining theBallroom; the kitchen, with its table and lemons withstairs to the cellar; Miss Havisham’s bedroom withdoors leading off to stairs and other rooms. Paintedin the environs around the cross-section of La RosaGiallo, we see the gardens, and lawns, the Treehouse,the Summerhouse with a large window showing thebedroom, and on the horizon, the sea in the distance.Yellow roses grow up the side of the house. As longas the main rooms are featured large and centrally,there is scope for set painters to ‘fill’ the rest ofthe house in (attic, cellars, other tiny ‘cubby hole’spaces) to complete the cross–section. The aim of theMiniature is to give the audience an intense visualpicture - a ‘world map’ - of La Rosa Giallo and itsenvirons. The tiny details painted by the setdesigners adds to the audience’s imaginative

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engagement with the play’s themes and symbols, hencecare and thought needs to be given to this, with somefree rein passed to the set painter to ‘embellish’and elaborate as s/he sees fit.

The stage is set as follows:

1.CCTV Monitors 1 and 2 clustered far downstageright, Monitor 3 far downstage left in front ofthe curtain. All are set in front of the curtain.

2.Centre-stage – a huge, rotating carousel with twoparts, each part containing a different set asfollows:

a.Miss Havisham’s bedroom – as on the monitorbefore, a large curtained window set directlyin the middle. The curtains are closed. Thebed, photos and vases of yellow roses arelarge, and out of proportion to the dressingtable, wardrobe, mirror and racks of clotheswhich are small. There is a wide-screentelevision along the wall hooked up to a Wii-Sports. Next to this, is a small laptop, wiredup to receive Second Life. The room is heavyand claustrophobic.

b.Jasmine and James’ bedroom in the Summerhouse.As on the monitor before. The window is large,its curtains open, and shows the gardens andthe sea. The scale of the furniture is average,except for the bed which is slightly smallerthan the most double-beds. The mirror on thewall is huge. The feel of the room is light andempty

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3.The domed exterior of Old Martha’s TropicalGreenhouse, stretching from centre-stage left.Plants and performers are visible through theglass.

4.The Treehouse –set upstage left, visible slightlyabove Old Martha’s Greenhouse

5.Kitchen area. Set downstage left. There is akitchen table, with chairs around it and a hugepile of lemons in the centre.

6.Gates of the House – two sets of locked gates setfront-stage right and front-stage left. If thevenue has steps and doors from the stage thatlink to the auditorium, this would be an idealplace to put these. There should always be acouple of the Po-Leeesze chorus at these gates,facing out to the audience.

The monitors show the following:

M1 – The bridge over the motorway, set as before.There are small bunches of flowers attached to itincluding some yellow roses.

M2 – A CGI / plasma screen monitor showingarchitect’s drawings, and promotional material forthe new housing estate. It is hooked up to showSecond Life images live.

M3 – A miscellaneous monitor showing a number ofthings throughout Act 2, including 1970s erotic-horror films, a JCB demolishing a building and liveCCTV images of the audience present in the space. Set

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far downstage left, at the edge of the stage in frontof the curtain.

The Wii-Sports needs to play tennis, golf and bowlinglive during the performance. The player list needs toshow all the characters in the cast, and be built toreplicate the physical appearance of the actorsplaying these roles in performance.

Second Life also needs to be hooked up for liveplaying. An avatar has already been registered inSecond Life for this in the name of Havisham Twine.She is a small, blonde, figure in flowery hat, combattrousers and boots, considerably more youthful thanthe Miss Havisham onstage. She smokes and shrugs alot, and wanders around Second Life quoting C19thpoetry. Whilst writing this play, I have beenbuilding this avatar’s interaction and characterbehaviour with players I encounter online. Thebehaviour Havisham Twine bears relation to her rolein this play. I intend to continue this. Thus whenSecond Life is played live in the performance ofBride-Cake Bride-Bones, other players hooked in liveat the same time may recognise Havisham Twine andinteract accordingly along the parameters set bymyself as ‘writer’ in previous computer-play. It mayof course occur that the other players on the screenduring the performance do not know her, or that shewill be the sole player at the time. When aproduction company is ready to perform this play, Iwill pass over the log-in details of Havisham Twinefor the technical team / actors to play with in

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rehearsal, and for them to extend her Second Liferole beyond that set by myself as writer.

Act 2 – Bride-Bones

The Po-Leeesze are present in the auditorium as theaudience re-enter. The stage is concealed by acurtain as the audience find their seats, directed byPo-Leeesze and the Front-of-House staff. The Po-Leesze are brisk and peremptory. They ask anyaudience member travelling slowly or appearing toloiter where they need to be before escorting them totheir place. They engage in friendly chit-chat butmake it clear that they are in charge. Once peopleare seated, some of the Po-Leeesze stand guard atposition 6 – the gates situated at the left and rightwings of the stage. Other members of the Po-Leeeszestand with Front-of-House staff, or at the edges ofthe auditorium. They still speak with one voice as achorus.

A hologram of large, white, human-esque rabbit-figureis projected into D-G and R-T illuminated by its ownlight. It stands facing the stage. The house-lightsgo down.

We hear Bride-Cake’s voice over the tannoy in thedarkness.

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Bride-Cake (voice-over):

He was always cruel. Hard as moon metal. He loved hisstories, seeing the pain in peoples’ eyes, the fear.It’s there, in all his films.

(Monitor 3 shows 1970s film footage of black velvet-gloved hands raising a shining silver knife. Thesound on the screen is turned down low but we hear awoman’s faint screams as she struggles for life).

He’d tell this story on the set. A team of Sovietscientists were experimenting. This was back in the1950s. They were trying to understand maternalconnection, so they took a group of new-born babyrabbits away from their mother and put them in asubmarine 10,000 feet under the Black Sea. They tookthe mother rabbit to a laboratory in Moscow andfitted electrodes to her head. Every hour, on thehour, they killed a baby rabbit – one by one – untilthey were all gone; not one left. The lab resultsshowed, that at the moment of killing, the brainwavesin the mother rabbit’s head went haywire. Though thebabies were thousands of miles away under the sea –she knew they were gone.

(The knife on the screen plunges down repeatedly intothe woman. There are shots of her terrified eyes andher bloodied flesh as the knife enters it)

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It was like a ritual. He’d tell it every time he shota murder scene to get the right mix of pain andsorrow in his victim’s eyes. The same tale, and somemore.

(The film on monitor 3 changes to a differentscenario of a woman being murdered. Again, with theblack, velvet gloves and silver knife. The images aretaken from 1970s Italian Giallo films and changeuntil the curtain up. They extracts all show themoment at which the heroine dies)

He did the killing himself in the films. He had thistrademark - black, velvet, gloves and silver knife –audiences cheered when they saw it coming! It wasalways his hands in the shot. He’d take his time –bending over the actress, waiting for the fear in hereyes before the torture scene started. When asked whyhis victims were always young, pretty and female,he’d say – (pause) - hang on (there is a sound ofsomeone scrabbling around in a drawer) –

Here, listen to this. He might as well speak forhimself. Why should I waste more of my breath talkingabout him? If he was here I wouldn’t give him thetime of day, I’ve got things to do. But as you’renew to the story, you really should listen. This is –(pause) - an interview recorded with him some yearsback – (There is the sound of an old cassetterecorder being switched on) He’s just been asked why

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his victims were sexy young things in their twenties.Listen -

Voice of Mario Silver:

I like women, especially beautiful ones. If they havea good face and figure, I would much prefer to watchthem being murdered than an ugly girl or man. Whywatch an ugly face made uglier by crying? Most menget that at home! I certainly don't have to justifymyself to anyone about this.

(Monitor 2 switches on. It shows a small submarinepod descending into water).

The cinema is driven by eroticism. It gives me eroticpleasure to watch a beautiful women subdued by theknife, and the logical extension of this is that myviewers will also find the murders erotic. And whyshouldn’t they? A beautiful woman works better withthe camera in these moments. She likes to be lookedat. She knows how to throw her head ‘so’, how to archthe breast, how to show the agony and ecstasy of thekiller’s touch. The actresses I work with are noshrinking violets. They know how to work it, how to(laughs) – how they say it - ‘scream to make youcream’? Beautiful women! They have all the power.

(There is a crackle of technological interference)

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Are you still with me, Signor? That’s good. Manyjournalists walk out when they hear my views but I ama director. I work with the stuff of human life. Iapologise to no-one.

(A hologram image of Miss Havisham wanders throughthe auditorium. She is distressed and clutches asmall bundle of baby clothes to her chest. She isdressed as before).

A recognition of the inherent depravity of humannature informs my method. I was raised in the heatand dust of Rome and the intense classicism of myfilms arises from that heritage.

(Monitor 2 switches on to show 1930s film footage ofthe Cinecitta Film Studios in Rome, interspersed withimages of Mussolini)

There is a beauty to the Giallo and its rituals. Itis revered to a point of religiosity by those of uswho work in the genre.

(Sound of tramping boots).

Sex, fear, madness, beauty and pain; protracted,bloody, cruel and meaningless death – that is ourbread and butter.132


(The Po-Leeesze take their helmets off and switchthem for Italian police helmets. They join in withthe recorded tramp).

We all have these things in us. Why deprive thepublic of what their psyche needs? I am not afraid toshow the public a mirror to its collective soul.

(A hologram projection of the back of a woman’s headhovers above the front curtain. The hologram turnsand the audience see a heavily bandaged face, withblood seeping through gauze where the eye-socketsrest)

I was born in the 1930s. Those of us raised underFascism know only too well the arrogant hypocrisy ofState and Church and its denial of the universality, thetimelessness, the irrepressible force of human emotion.

(The face hologram fades. A rustling wind blowsacross the audience.)

I repudiate these institutions, and the propaganda oftheir art. I have always been an internationalartist. I recognise no borders.

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(Monitor 2 returns to the footage of the descendingsubmarine)

I have travelled the world over and this I havelearnt – men will be men, women will be women. We alllove, fear, fuck and die the same way. We are allthe same.

(A hologram projection of Minge and Bride-Cake runthrough the auditorium. They wrap a blanket roundMiss Havisham. She is hysterical and in tears. Theysoothe her and bundle her out towards the exit. Theholograms fade as they reach the door. There is thesound of a flute playing).

And my methods, Signor? Again, I look to human lifeto inform me. The line between sex and death is veryfine. The French refer to an orgasm as ‘le petitmort’ and it is a universal truth that fear is apowerful aphrodisiac.

(Enter Sukie the Iguana from a side-door in theauditorium. She is dressed in a long, green Japanesekimono and snakeskin, heeled shoes. She carries abundle of dried grasses and palm leaves. She shakesthem in front and behind her as she shimmies her waylanguidly along the aisles. She glides past the rowof Po-Leeesze, and they stop their tramp one by oneas she reaches them. She touches the male Po-Leeeszeflirtatiously with the ends of her grasses and gives134


the women in the Chorus a hard stare. This actionhappens whilst Mario is speaking).

The knowledge that it is I who will don the blackgloves, that it is I – their director – who will takeup the knife. This has a curious effect on myactresses. They cast me in a role that suits them –lover, therapist, Confessor, father figure. Theytell me all sorts. It is of no interest to me, youunderstand. I am a blank canvas.

(Monitor 2 shows film footage of the back of awoman’s head. It is the same one as previously shownin the hologram on the curtain).

But this knowledge is useful for the film. For when Istep up to wear the killer’s shoes, I am conjuring aline, a look, an action that cuts deep at the scar oftheir innermost secrets - and I bring it in - hitthem with it quick - straight before the camerarolls.

(As he speaks, the curtains part half-way to revealthe middle-stage area. The stage is in darkness butin the centre, a large holographic projection showsMiss Havisham laid on the wedding breakfast table, afigure bending over her. The figure steps back and wesee a bloody bundle of dead rabbits placed on herbreasts. She begins to scream. Sukie the Iguana leaps

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up to the edge of the stage and watches MissHavisham’s distress with curiosity).

I provoke and play out their fears with them, all thetime filming their response. Their screams are almostprimal – an exorcism, a confession, a terrified,delicious, guilty revelation. They tremble under myhands for some time after and I let the camera rolllazily before killing them with the knife. Fearfulanticipation is at the heart of pure terror.

(The curtains on the stage close, but before they aretotally shut we see Miss Havisham leap off the tableand turn the knife back on the dark, shadowy figure.The sound of the flute-playing stops.)

It is a dangerous game. One I am very used toplaying. You see, Signor, the horror film will alwaysbe with us for it releases our deepest, darkest fears– and also our desires. It is like a snake sheddingits skin – it will continually regenerate itself. Thepublic demand for the Giallo will always keep italive.

(Sukie the Iguana walks to the front of the closedcurtain in the middle of the stage. She looks out atthe audience once more, then peers curiously roundthe side of it, before slithering behind it to thestage area)

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A good actress understands that and will yield. Manyactresses enjoy the thrill of my method, they thankme for the pleasure of it later. And if they don’t –well, that’s acting for you! What do they expect? Itis a challenging industry and few survive. Any trickthat gets you quick to the horror of the filmjustifies itself. If it works, it works. And if thefilm works, it sells, if it sells, I get rich and weall go home happy.

(Monitor 2 reverts to a 1930s film image of theCinecitta’s exterior)

I am an artist but I am also a businessman. I givethe public what they want. We Italians, we wear ourhearts on our sleeve. The Giallo makes you feel – andto feel, you have to care; to feel, you have to love.It all comes back to beauty, and your question. Ifmy leading ladies were old, or ugly, or acted like adog, I wouldn’t love them. I would feel no pleasureor pain in their death. Quite frankly, I wouldn’tcare, and neither would my cinema-goers. And answerme honestly, Signor, would you?

(Sound of a cassette recorder being switched off, anda tape thrown back into a drawer).

Bride-Cake – voice-over:

There was something cruel in him. Very cruel.

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(The film images on monitors 2 and 3 stop. Thehologram rabbit in D-G and R-T fades. The Po-Leeeszeremove their Italian helmets and replace them withEnglish ones).

The curtain rises on the stage set of Act 2.

5/ We see Bride-Cake sitting at the kitchen tablecuddling a small rodent. Miss Havisham sits choppinglemons. She is dressed as before with long bridalveil and tiara, floaty evening gown with one breastexposed and a heeled shoe on one foot with the otherbare. Yogaboy stands awkwardly at the side of thetable dressed in a large white furry bunny outfitwith a balaclava rabbit head and ears. The design ofthe outfit is such that it does not obscure his face.

5/Miss Havisham

So you thought you’d just sneak in, eh, Boy?

5/Yogaboy

No, Miss Havisham, Estelle invited me. I’ve been herefor the last two weeks.

5/Miss Havisham

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And did you not think it courtesy, perhaps, to comeand introduce yourself to the mistress of the house?

5/Yogaboy

Estelle said you were not to be disturbed, that youdid not receive visitors and that I must be veryquiet.

5/Miss Havisham

Well, you weren’t quiet enough.

5/Yogaboy

No, Miss Havisham.

5/Miss Havisham

Hmmm.

(She pauses, sits sideways on her chair and beckonshim down until he is kneeling in front of her. Shetakes his chin in her hand and looks critically athis face. He stares at her, blushing and trying toavoid looking at her chest)

You’re quite pretty, aren’t you, Boy?

(he nods. Miss Havisham draws a long breath in)

I once knew a boy like you. Broke my heart. So Istayed in this house for the last forty years. Tellme – are you afraid to be in a room with a woman whohasn’t seen the sun since the day you were born?

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5/Yogaboy

No...

5/Miss Havisham

Well you should be! (she gestures the table wearily)Sit!

5/Yogaboy scurries to a chair near Bride-Cakerelieved

Thank you Miss Havisham.

(Bride-Cake rolls her eyes and passes Yogaboy achopping board, knife and some lemons. He takes alemon in his furry mitts and attempts to chop it).

5/Bride-Cake

Perhaps you should take the mitts off first, dear.You’ll get them covered in lemon juice. Not tomention the fluff in the lemonade.

5/Yogaboy

Oh, yes thank you! I will! (He struggles for a momentwith the fastenings, then holds his hands out toBride-Cake who pulls the mitts off for him. He setsabout chopping in earnest).140


5/Miss Havisham (takes a long white pipe out of herpocket and smokes it)

And take that ridiculous rabbit hat off too!

5/Yogaboy

Yes (removes the rabbit head)

5/Miss Havisham

It’s 10 o’ clock in the morning. We’re not due outuntil 2 at the earliest.

5/Bride-Cake

Though it’s very sweet of you to join the protest.And I’m sure - (she gives Miss Havisham a hard look)– that we all appreciate your support.

5/Yogaboy

I’ll do anything I can to help. It was ’Stelle’s ideato wear the costumes!

5/Miss Havisham

Yes, our Estelle. ’sprit d’Estelle as you call her!How do you find her?

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5/Yogaboy

Oh, she’s amazing!

5/Miss Havisham

Do you find her very proud? (Yogaboy shakes his head)Do you find her haughty? (he considers this) Is shevery beautiful?

5/Yogaboy

Oh, yes Miss Havisham. She’s very beautiful, I -

5/Miss Havisham

She will break your heart.

(Yogaboy looks wounded. Miss Havisham chuckles)

5/Bride-Cake

Tsk! Pay no attention to her, dear! She’s justplaying with you! (pokes Miss Havisham) Aren’t you?

5/Miss Havisham shrugs.

5/Bride-Cake142


Aren’t you?

5/Miss Havisham scowls at her

Go and freshen the roses in my room, Bride-Cake.Leave the little rabbit-boy to me!

5/Bride-Cake (rises from the table. Winks at Yogaboy)

Don’t worry, I won’t be long. (to the rodent) Comeon, sweetie, let’s put you back in your hutch.

(Exit Bride-Cake. The lighting rises on the carouselto reveal James and Jasmine spooned round each otherin the bed in the Summerhouse – 2b).

5/ Miss Havisham watches Yogaboy as he studiouslychops lemons. She offers him her pipe

Do you partake?

5/ Yogaboy

I do! (He takes a drag of her pipe and coughs)

5/ Miss Havisham

Rather strong these days. James keeps me in stock,but I don’t think Jasmine approves. Have you seen

143


James this morning? He hasn’t been in to update meyet.

5/Yogaboy

Oh, he had some bad news. A friend died. In a caraccident or something. Jasmine said he’s having a dayoff; she’s on the phone to the Council for you andwill be in soon.

5/Miss Havisham (draws on her pipe)

So much - death. It comes to all of us you know.(Yogaboy nods sagely). Do you know – in Spain, in theolden days – people lived indoors until the day theydied, and only when they were in their box would thewindows be thrown open! Now in most cultures, peopleclose the windows when there’s a death. But not inSpain – in Spain they fling the windows wide and letthe soul out! Then, and only then, is the body takenout into the sun.

5/Yogaboy

Cool.

5/Miss Havisham

144


I had many friends – many beautiful people – they alldied young. (pause) I wish I’d bloody gone with them!Tell me, Boy – did you see that table through there.The wedding table?

(Yogaboy nods)

5/Miss Havisham

When I die, they’ll lay me out on that – just as youfind me now, in my finery - (she considers the scene)And everyone will come and gawp! (raises her voice)The great curtains of the Ballroom will be opened infull – and on that day - Matthew will come to see me!(she clutches her chest and weeps)

5/Yogaboy

Who’s Matthew?

5/Miss Havisham

(clenches her fist) He’s my little boy. (Yogaboylooks shocked)

5/Yogaboy

But -?

5/Miss Havisham145


Yes, dolt! I have a son! He was stolen from me bythat bastard Mario (she chucks a knife at the pictureof Silver in his coffin) and – he was kept away fromme. He thinks I’m dead! (she bursts into tears andsweeps her arm across the table scattering lemons.The chopping board hits the floor. Bride-Cake comeshurrying in)

5/Bride-Cake

Come on now, don’t upset yourself dear – is itMatthew? (Miss Havisham nods) - you’ll just upsetyourself talking about him. Come on, I’ll make us anice cup of tea. I knew the news of that funeralwould upset you eventually - shall I take the picturedown?

5/Miss Havisham

Leave it! Just – you know, Bride-Cake, I’m notfeeling too well today. My head’s pounding. I thinkI’ll go and lie down (Bride-Cake reaches for thepipe) – no, I’ll hold on to this! Does me good.

(She rises from the table. Yogaboy rises to assisther. As he does, the padded belly of his rabbitoutfit clunks. Miss Havisham prods it with her hand,finding something hard)

What’s in there? Silver candlesticks?

5/Yogaboy

It’s bricks, Miss Havisham.146


5/Bride-Cake

Bricks?

5 /Yogaboy

From the garden. For endurance. I do an hour of Yogafollowed by a half-hour jog with bricks. They’re in abum-bag packed round my waist.

(Miss Havisham unzips the belly of his rabbit suitand looks in. There is a bum-bag packed with bricks)

I’ve got special ones for my ankles too. They buildup my calves.

5 /Miss Havisham (zips his rabbit suit back up)

Bricks! Whatever will they think of next. I’m off tomy room. No-one disturb me! (she exits the stage)

5 /Yogaboy and Bride-Cake sit at the table andcontinue chopping lemons.

5 / Yogaboy

Will she come outside to the Treehouse if the Councilsends the order at 2 o clock?

5 /Bride-Cake

147


I can’t see her leaving the house. I’m very worriedabout it really. She hasn’t been outside for years.The shock’ll kill her. I’ve tried to explain butthey won’t listen. (pause) I’ve packed some of herthings – just in case.

5 /Yogaboy

We could shield her from the light in a blanket.

5 /Bride-Cake

She’d chain herself to this table first. (pause) Ireally don’t know what will happen.

2b/ There is some movement under the covers of thebed in the Summerhouse. James moves away to the edgeof the bed, his back towards Jasmine. He curls intohimself. There is a further shuffling. Sukie theIguana pops her head up from under the covers, looksaround sharply then settles herself comfortablybetween Jasmine and James.

5/ Yogaboy

Is it true? About her son?

5/ Bride-Cake nods. She checks to see that MissHavisham is gone, then pulls out a rucksack and packs

148


it with tins, cutlery, packets of tea, herbs andbottles from the kitchen cupboards

5/Bride-Cake

Mario took him. To Italy. When he ran off withLucinda. Said she was unfit. She burnt the film setdown in a rage and his doctor committed her. She losteverything in the divorce – including full custody ofMatthew. Silver told Matthew she was dead, andLucinda became his mother. Miss Havisham went toItaly, tried to get him home, but they placed aninjunction on her. She came back with nothing. Westayed on to help her out -

(Monitor 1 comes on. The motorway bridge has smallbunches of flowers tied to it, including some yellowroses. Harry walks onto the bridge. He stops at theflowers, crosses himself and prays for a moment. Hereads some of the messages and looks over the edge).

5/Bride-Cake

Leave those lemons for a minute, love. Help me withthis

(She pulls out a tea chest and passes Yogaboy somenewspaper. They wrap crockery in it and pack the boxtogether)

Minge – and I, and a few others in the early days. Welooked after her, helped her build things up again.

149


But they’ve all drifted off – we occasionally hearfrom them, one or two pop by once a year or so.

(A hologram of Miss Havisham sitting at a table withplaying cards appears in rows D-G and R-T. We hearvoice-overs of Miss Havisham, ’sprit d’Estelle andJasmine. Note, the actress playing Jasmine on thestage remains sleeping in the bed and stays withinthe frame of the action in 2b. The three voice-oversare ‘past ghosts’).

Miss Havisham, ’sprit d’Estelle and Jasmine – Voice-Over:

The games we play when nobody comes to visit.

5/Bride-Cake

They’ve moved on, you see, got busy with their ownlives.

5/ Yogaboy

Is that why she adopted ’sprit d’Estelle? To comforther?

’sprit d’Estelle and Jasmine Voice-Over:

150


Those long rainy mornings, wind spattering on theglass.

5/Bride-Cake

Estelle came a lot later. Matthew was all grown uponce she came to us.

Miss Havisham voice-over

I’d like to see a pretty chain of fellows round yourneck, my dear (laughs)

Bride-Cake:

We always thought she’d take Jasmine under her wing

Miss Havisham Voice-Over:

Are you afraid to be in a room with a woman whohasn’t seen the sun since the day you were born?

Jasmine Voice-Over:

Growing big-bellied, once a month with a phantomwanton wind, she’d believe she was with child

5/Bride-Cake:

but the pain of it was too close to home.

151


Hologram Miss Havisham (voice-over):

When Night came to claim me

’sprit d’Estelle and Jasmine(voice-over):

The clothes were got ready for the phantom birth

her lying-in arranged

we danced teetering on eggshells

giggling at thought of the baby conceived

without knowledge of a man

Miss Havisham (voice-over)

Then the blood time drew near

Jasmine (voice-over)

She’d scream and rage, a miasma on her tongue.

Miss Havisham voice-over

Pack your bags! There’ll be no room for you, brat,when my flesh and blood arrives!

Jasmine (voice-over)

She knew deep it wasn’t true.

152


Miss Havisham (voice-over)

When night came to claim me.

Jasmine (voice-over):

The moon turned her pale face to show the blood and

(Hologram of Miss Havisham fades)

Jasmine and ’sprit d’Estelle (voice-over):

She’d wail and howl and send for me

Miss Havisham voice-over:

Has the child gone? Have they taken her away?

’sprit d’Estelle (voice-over):

And I’d be sitting on the staircase. She’d gather meup in her arms, whisk me off to the Ballroom. She’dfeed me sweets, and pet me and say she’d never sendme away again.

’sprit d’Estelle, Jasmine and Miss Havisham (voice-over):

We were very young.

153


5/Bride-Cake

You see Jasmine was Lucinda’s daughter. (Yogaboylooks shocked) Didn’t Estelle tell you?

(There is a creak upstairs above them and the soft‘thwock’ of tennis balls from the Wii-Sports beingplayed on the TV.)

Lucinda was Jasmine’s mother. She abandoned her forMario. Said it would be kinder to leave her with herfather. Five years old. You won’t get Jasmine talkingabout her.

2b/Jasmine turns sleepily towards James andinadvertently rests her face in Sukie the Iguana’shair. She shivers and moves closer in for warmth.Sukie the Iguana resists pushing back against Jasminefor a moment and poking her but to no avail. Shedisappears back under the covers. Jasmine settles intowards James.

5/Yogaboy

So Lucinda had Miss Havisham’s son and Miss Havishamhad Lucinda’s daughter –

5/Bride-Cake

That makes it sound very neat but Miss Havisham hadlittle to do with Jasmine really. Jasmine’s choice.She was a down-to-earth little thing, loved thesunshine, the flowers, couldn’t bear to be indoors.We had many children around La Rosa Giallo in those154


days. It was a bit of a commune. They were allwelcome.

(Monitor 2 switches on to reveal a Second Life imageof the avatar Havisham Twine. She wanders around thecomplex. The avatar stops and types then words appearon the screen prefaced here in the script by the word‘You:’)

You: He cometh not she said.

5/ Bride-Cake:

But Miss Havisham mourned Matthew, grieved for him.It’s why she shut herself away.

You: A-weary, a-weary, I would that I were dead.

Monitor 2 goes blank.

5/ Bride-Cake:

It was Minge who brought Estelle to us. Said shefound her under a cabbage leaf.

5/Yogaboy (excited)

Did she?

155


5/Bride-Cake

No! Silly. She was born the usual way. We adoptedher.

Voice-Over of ’sprit d’Estelle:

I was born in a tiny oyster shell...

(The lights go down, and stars twinkle around theauditorium. A hologram of Miss Havisham standing at acurtained window appears in rows D-G and R-T).

She arrived wrapped in a little blue blanket – thedarkest hair you’ve ever seen. It was in December –one of those lovely nights with a crisp frost and ahigh starry sky.

5/Yogaboy

And she arrived in a coach...

5/ Bride-Cake

She arrived on a motorbike! Minge hopped off the bikewith this little bundle! Christmas come early! Westood on the front steps just looking at her. Thislight came down from the sky and shone on her littleface. We looked up and saw a faint crack in the

156


curtains of Miss Havisham’s bedroom, and the lightshining through.

(The hologram projection of Miss Havisham parts thecurtain and looks through, then closes it gently withher hand. The hologram fades)

(M2 clicks back on to Second Life. Havisham Twine hasreached the main house. A large harp is there. Shestands by it and looks out across the sea through thewindow).

It was the first time in 25 years she’d actuallylooked out of a window. She adored the girl from thestart. Estelle became her constant companion untilshe went away to school, and even then Miss Havishamtook a great interest in her, always has done. Herhealth improved a lot once Estelle came to us. Therest you know.

5/Yogaboy

This is amazing. You know all the stories and you’vebeen here for years! Were you an actress too?

(Bride-Cake closes the packed rucksack and hides itunder the table)

157


5/Bride-Cake

No, dear, I did make-up and props. See the greatmouldy Bride-Cake sitting through there? I made that.That’s how I got my name. My real name’s Bridie,short for Bridget.

5/Yogaboy

What about Miss Havisham? What’s her real name?

5/Bride-Cake

Trade secret, that one darling! I’ll be taking thatone with me to my grave! Miss H’s orders! Ooh! If Itold you that....(she closes the tea chest. They pushit to the top of the cellar steps) No. You’d neverget me acting. Make-up, props, costumes, tea-girl,general dogsbody!

2/ Jasmine touches James

Sweetheart. Are you awake? (she moves towards him andputs her head on his back. There is no reply. He issleeping.) How did your back get so broad? Yourshoulders....like a wall...it’s so cold. (she putsher arms awkwardly round his torso. He shifts furtherinto his own shell and hardens his shoulders, stillsleeping)

5/Bride-Cake:

158


Miss Havisham, though, now she was an actress! Shewas wonderful in her day – a real star! Phew!

(They close the cellar door and sit for a moment.There is a creak above their heads)

5/ Yogaboy

And you’ve lived here ever since?

5/Bride-Cake

I don’t live here, lovey. I rent a flat out by thesea front. I’ve got a fella, you see. He wants me toretire, pack it in. I should really, the age I’m at.But I don’t think I will. I belong here. La RosaGiallo, it’s part of me. And Miss Havisham (leans in,says in a low voice) – she screams and shouts at me,but I don’t think she’d do too well if I left really.(She leans back in her chair) Don’t tell her I saidthat will you.

(Yogaboy shakes his head. His mobile phone beeps. Itis a message from ’sprit d’Estelle)

I’d better get on. Those hutches need cleaning. Ifthey come to evict us they’ll be sending the RSPCAin, and it won’t help our case if the straw iscovered in poop now will it!

159


5/Yogaboy

I’ll be in to help – I’ll just...(texts a messageback on his mobile)

Exit Bride-Cake

Monitor 2 switches to show a CGI-animated tour of thenew housing estate on a loop. The sound is turnedoff.

Monitor 1 focuses in on the flowers left on themotorway bridge.

2/James sits up sharply as in shock and ismomentarily disorientated. Jasmine puts her armsaround him

2/Jasmine

It’s ok sweetheart, it’s ok.

2/James

I’d better get up. The appeal’s at 11 –

2/Jasmine

160


You’re not working today. I’ve sorted it. Go back tosleep.

2/James

Just – hold me. (she holds him closely). I’m so-sorry – I –

2/Jasmine

Sssh.

(They hold each other closely, both weeping silently.They begin to make love. After a moment, James pullsback)

2/James

It’s – gone – I can’t –

2/Jasmine

It doesn’t matter, it’s -

(They hold each other tightly. James begins toshiver)

2/Jasmine

You’re really cold.

161


2/James

I can’t stop shaking.

2/Jasmine

You’re in shock (she rubs his arms. Her mobile phonebeeps. She looks at it). It’s Miss H. (reads) Sorry tohear of James’ loss. Death comes to us all, but I am sorrynonetheless. I am in my room when you have some news. Shewants an update. What’s the time – oh shit, it’s 11o’clock. (she hugs him close) I’d better go. (shegets out of bed and dresses). Will you be alright?(he nods) Try and get some more sleep. (she kisseshim and exits).

(Sukie the Iguana creeps out from under thebedclothes and lies on top of James. She kisses hislips then curls onto his chest. He shivers and starespast her up to the ceiling)

The carousel turns to 2a. The small laptop on thestage is still on Second Life, the avatar HavishamTwine discernible just floating and bobbing above thesea. M2 continues to show the architect’s drawingsfor the new estate.

2a/ Miss Havisham is in her bedroom, sitting on thebed. She takes a book of verse and reads aloud fromShelley. 162


Miss Havisham:

‘Peace, peace! He is not dead, he doth not sleep –

He hath awakened from the dream of life

Tis we, who lost in stormy visions, keep

With phantoms an unprofitable strife,

And in mad trance, strike with our spirit’s knife

Invulnerable nothings. – We decay

Like corpses in a charnel; fear and grief

Convulse us and consume us day by day,

And cold hopes swarm like worms within our living clay.

The dreams of life - that haunt us dreamers still...

(She reaches under the bed and pulls out a scrapbook.It is full of clippings and photographs. She restsher hand gently on the faces, and wipes a tear away,then curls the book into her chest and lays back onthe bed. The lights on the stage dim).

Monitor 1 shows the motorway bridge, monitor 2reverts to Second Life and shows the avatar HavishamTwine flying out over the sea, Monitor 3 shows thedescending submarine. There is a vibrating sound andthe beep of a submarine descending into water.

163


The carousel turns and the Summerhouse bedroom iscentre-stage again.

2b/James is sleeping. Sukie the Iguana lies next tohim and shuffles around as if trying to getcomfortable. She has a bad-tempered expression on herface. James wakes suddenly and cries out as if inshock. He holds his head then reaches for the pillowand holds it into his chest hugging it tightly. Sukiethe Iguana raises herself onto an elbow and watcheshim curiously. He begins to cry. The submarine soundfades. Sukie the Iguana speaks as if straining thewords through treacle.

2b/ Sukie the Iguana:

Crrrryyyy.... baby

(James cannot see or hear her).

2b / Sukie the Iguana:

Your bedddd is – so lumpy – youooomadeitso....sssshhhhh......I haaaaarddly slepppt a-wink.......yourrr snnnnorrrres.....yoursnnnnores.....I haaaaaardly slept....It twinkles withher...that Jasmineinyoureyes....why do you seeherandnot.....meeeee?

(James cries some more)164


2b / Sukie the Iguana

Cry babylove cry...my love – my love are youcrrrrying formeeeeee - hee (she seethes and hisseswith pleasure at the thought)

(James shivers then begins to retch. He throws up onthe pillow. Sukie the Iguana’s hand flies to coverher nose, her face wrinkled in disgust )–

2b/ Sukie the Iguana:

Urgh!

(Sukie the Iguana shoots out of bed and slivers awayand to the corner of the room. She watches Jamesbalefully. James places the pillow on the floor, thendresses hurriedly and exits the room taking hisflute. Sukie the Iguana takes a perfume bottle andsprays the sick, holding the end of her nose as shedoes. She disappears under the bed as the light fadeson the carousel)

5/ The lights go up on Yogaboy still seated at thekitchen table downstage left.

165


M1, 2 and 3 switch suddenly and show the audiencefilmed during the bar in the interval, there is abuzz and loud chatter

Hologram of the Asian Slipper Orchid reappears andgrows in rows D-G and R-T.

3. James enters the Greenhouse. He picks up a potwith a dead plant in it and sits, looking at it. Hebursts into tears.

The monitors on the screen go off. Sound disappears.Stage lights place a focus on the painted image of LaRosa Giallo upstage left.

5/ Yogaboy puts his mobile phone on speaker-phone.It is Minge and ’sprit d’Estelle in Paris. One hasclearly left the mobile phone on by mistake and theirconversation has been recorded. There is backgroundnoise as if they are in a large gathering of people,and the dialogue is broken and at times obscured byclunks, footsteps, the clatter of drinks’ glasses andgeneral chatter:

Minge (on mobile):

Pollen...get...bees...ooh dust ..that yellow...(sneezes)...I can’t believe I’m in Paris again. Mydear, I haven’t been here for years! So many happy

166


memories...ooh, smell that one! Did I ever tell youabout Jean-Claude?

’sprit d’Estelle (on mobile):

The artist one (sneezes)

Minge (mob):

A beautiful man (calls as if she has seen somebody)Allo! Bonjour Madame...! Woke me every morning withstrong, sweet coffee,

’sprit d’Estelle (mob):

Hmm, smell that one...

5/Yogaboy smells the air as if he is with her

Minge (mob):

a little piece of hard toast with plum jam – and akiss....Lovely... Then he’d throw open the shutters,and there would be Paris!

The markets!

’sprit d’Estelle (mob)

167


Ug – get my heel, oops pardon...wait

Minge (mob):

the pavement clowns! the lazy Seine! All thosebeautiful people on bikes.


Ah, oui, je vous en prie...smells peppery that one,

5 / Yogaboy:

Je vous en prie...


Pepper

Minge(mob):

I just lay back on sheets grainy with charcoal

5/ Yogaboy and ’sprit d’Estelle (mob):

Hmm

Minge (mob):

168


and he’d draw me, all day! ...Enchante.. You know Inever had to bother getting dressed until evening, itwas all the rage


Enchante...quelle largesse...

Minge (mob):

We’d go dancing all night

‘sprit d’Estelle (mob):

There it is! par la!

Yogaboy (mob):

dance, dance my love


These bloody shoes!

Minge (mob):

...then make love in the soft early hours of themorning... quelle beau chapeau...as it was gettinglight! It was a wonderful, wonderful, time.

169


Yogaboy (mob):

As it was getting light...


What happened to him ? This way! (The backgroundnoise cuts down, as if they have gone through a door)

(There is the rattle of a laptop keyboard typingfast)

Minge:

I left him for a sailor. I just danced away on thebreeze like rose petals do! I was like you, in thosedays – a bit flighty. – (The background noisereturns) Quick, champagne, champagne!


Get four, quick, two each! Monsieur!

Minge:

He understood. ‘Be free’ he said, ‘Your heart andyour body is your own. Blow where you will – but170


listen for me each night - for I will be whisperingyour name on the wind.’...Merci

Yogaboy:

Cherie...

Minge (mob):

He was the most beautiful lover, had this deep,purring voice – it penetrated my soul and (there is acrackle) - he was hung like a donkey (cackles).

(’sprit d’Estelle cackles with her)

Minge (mob): I had a lovely time with him. Come on,we’re in Gay Paree! Let’s do this quickly and then wecan go dancing!

(There is a long scuffling, the sound of running andmore exuberant whooping from Minge followed bylaughing, shouting and general clamour. The phonegoes dead).

(The hologram orchid fades back down into theground).

171


(Yogaboy wipes a tear away from his eye, and pressesthe button again. The recording starts from thebeginning, he mouths the words silently. The hologramorchid starts growing in the stalls. Enter Jasmine)

5/ Enter Jasmine:

What’s this? Polar Bear Fancy Dress Competition? – Isthat Estelle? Has she got it?

5/Yogaboy pulls the rabbit head on

I don’t know, she’s sat on her phone – (he switchesit off. The hologram orchid disappears from thestalls.) Save our Sanctuary! I’m a protest bunny.

5/Jasmine

That’s great! Call me when she does, won’t you.

5/Yogaboy:

She’s so far away.

M2/ switches on to Second Life. Havisham Twine fliesin from the sea to land. She wanders to a grassy areaby the lily pond and types something

5/ Jasmine, affectionate:

172


Let’s – fix your ears. (she tugs his rabbit headaround) Rabbit warrior! Estelle will like you in this(he beams) Let’s hope we don’t need to have theprotest – (her hand hits a button on Yogaboy’s rabbitear. It plays a burst of ‘Wild Thing’ by the Troggs)

You: And moving through the mirror clear, that hangs before herall the year

5/Yogaboy:

It does that!

5/Jasmine:

The Appeal’s looking pretty good, we’ve gottestimonies from the schools, the local animalcharities – the fact it’s so close to the old Brewerybuildings is something they have to consider with theJCBs, as it’s heritage-protected – also the oak tree–

5/Yogaboy

They can’t cut it down with us camping in it –

You: Shadows of the world appear

5/Jasmine

173


And if they can’t cut it down, they can’t get to thehouse! But fingers crossed, the Council vote our way.Listen, do me a favour and update Miss H for me willyou, I don’t want to leave James on his own for toolong.

5/Enter Bride-Cake to the kitchen

How’s he holding up, love? I heard his awful news.They’ve been talking about nothing else in the town.Was it sui-

5/Jasmine

I think it was just an accident, but he’s reallyupset.

You: She looketh down to Camelot

5/Bride-Cake

She was the one who - Are you sure you’re alright,I mean –

5/Jasmine

James knew her more than me, she was his friendreally. Look, I’ve got to go, I’ll see you later.

174


(exit Jasmine. Yogaboy’s phone beeps afresh. Helistens to the message. ’sprit d’Estelle’s voicechatters excitedly on the other end, but we don’thear the words)

5/Yogaboy

Jasmine! Jasmine! (he exits the kitchen afterJasmine. Bride-Cake lights a cigarette, pours herselfa coffee and glances at a broadsheet newspaper.)

M2 switches to the image of a submarine descending

2b/ Enter a holographic ghost of Sukie the Iguana.She wanders around looking in drawers, wardrobes.She takes James’ clothes out of the cupboard andsmells them. Finding Jasmine’s diary, she sits on thebed to read it.

3/ James wipes his eyes. He sniffs the air in thegreenhouse and frowns as if smelling somethingunpleasant.

5/ Bride-Cake (reading the newspaper)

175


There’s a drip, drip drip of eyeball photography

(turns the page)

Rogue alleyways shut off

A microphone in every home

Catch the iris on a slide

The flash goes on forever

Repeating patterns

2b/ Sukie the Iguana throws the diary to the floorand opens a drawer by the bed. She pulls items ofJasmine’s underwear and holds them against her.

5/ Bride-Cake:

Rome’s fingerprinting its children

Milan, Verona, Venice

Tiny little pinkies of flesh pushed hard onto an inkblot

(she turns the page)

And just outside the city

Where the poor sell souvenirs to glass-eyed tourists

Two girls found dead on a beach of sunbathers 176


No papers, no ID

But they knew where they were from

You: The shalopp flitteth silken-sailed

5/ Bride-Cake (still reading newspaper)

Beached with no hope on hot wet sand

Everyone got on with their picnics

You don’t want to let it spoil your holiday

It’s the silence that’s worrying me.

Lucinda Argento enters from a side-door in theauditorium. She is dressed in an expensive creamsuit, with sunglasses and a film-star attitude. Shewears a large old ruby ring. She looks about as herand takes in the scene.

5/Bride-Cake

And in Paris, the land of love

Frayed tents house the living

Chapped fingers sew up the holes

October winds blowing in

A stale baguette for the young ones

177


Cold tar breeze from the Seine.

You: I am half-sick of shadows

(Bride-Cake shakes her head, closes the newspaper andexits the stage. The light focuses in on thecarousel).

You: Said the Lady of Shalott

Monitor 3 switches on showing the bandaged head ofthe woman.

(Lucinda makes her way to a seat in the audience,pulls out a blackberry and makes small notes on it)

Monitor 2 switches off.

Enter Jasmine into the Summerhouse.

2 b /Jasmine stops, smells the air and then looks towhere Sukie the Iguana is standing.

2b/Jasmine

What are you doing in my underwear drawer?

178


2b/Sukie the Iguana makes no reply

2b/Jasmine

Give them to me.

(she holds out her hand)

2b/Sukie the Iguana shrugs and drops the underwearback into the drawer. They look at each other insilence.

2b/Jasmine

You’re dead.

2b/Sukie the Iguana looks confused. She turns, opensa drawer and pulls out a vest top. It has an image oftwo women running and the word ‘Marathon’ on it. Sheholds it out towards Jasmine.

2b/Jasmine

Yes, that’s yours. I found it here on the floor lastyear. Take it.

2b/Sukie the Iguana lifts it to her face and smellsit

179


2b/Jasmine

Yes, it smells of you. It may even have one of yourpubes still on it.

2b/Sukie the Iguana looks shocked and turns to putthe vest top back in the drawer

2b/Jasmine

No! Give it to me!

2b/Jasmine snatches the vest-top. Sukie the Iguanadisappears. The hologram fades. Jasmine spits on thetop and throws it out of the window. She sits on thebed shaking.

M3 shows the bandaged head of the woman from theback. It slowly turns to show the gauzed face withblood seeping through the eye-sockets. The imageturns slowly in perpetual motion.

A brief hologram image reappears then merges into thebody of the flesh and blood performer playing Sukiethe Iguana who slides out from under the bed andstarts looking for the top.

180


2b/Jasmine

It’s out there in the rosebushes. Hope you scratchyour eyes out looking for it. (She notices Sukie’sscarred nose for the first time) What happened toyour nose?

2b/Sukie the Iguana starts to cry

2b/Sukie the Iguana

Jasmine. I’m dead. My eyes are ---they see---theylook----I see you with a thousand lights around you---Jas---It’s like looking through glasseswhen it’sraining----it’s like –night –in a cold town – walkingon the grass ---my shoes have holes in, it’s –Jas –it’s like looking at street lamps –orange stars---through glasses ---raindrops ---it’s ---raindrops ---like looking at streetlamps through glasses in therain.

M3 / The image of the face fades

2b/Jasmine

Why are you here? Why have you come here, Sukie?

2b/Sukie the Iguana

I needed to see him.

181


2b/Jasmine

He’s not here.

2b/Sukie the Iguana begins to hunt around the room.She looks into the wardrobe, behind curtains, insideJasmine’s shoes. She moves to the bed picks up acorner of the duvet and begins to burrow under it,head-first, crawling into the bed. Jasmine grabs herby the foot.

2b/Jasmine

Oh no you don’t! No!

2b/Sukie the Iguana

It’s warm in here –

2b/Jasmine

Out!

2b/ Jasmine pulls her hard by the ankle. Sukie theIguana slithers off the bed, dragging the duvet withher. She pouts, gathers the duvet round her shouldersand watches to see what Jasmine will do next. Jasminegoes to take it from her –

182


2b/Sukie the Igunana

Please, Jas, let me keep it. Just for now. I’m cold.

2b/ Jasmine steps back. Sukie the Iguana stands upwith the duvet draped round her and wanders aroundthe room

2b/Jasmine

I knew you’d come back; I knew you would n’t stayaway.

2b/Sukie the Iguana

Are you going to my funeral?

2b/Jasmine

No.

2b/Sukie the Iguana

Will you let James go?

2b/Jasmine

Steve will kill him.

2b/ Sukie the Iguana183


Might liven it up a bit!

2b/Jasmine

No chance, darling, he’s staying this side of thefence.

2b/ Sukie the Iguana

You put some roses on the bridge for me. Thank you.

2b/Jasmine

They were more for Steve than for you.

2b/Sukie the Iguana

Yellow

2b/ Jasmine

For friendship –and cowardice.

2b/Sukie the Iguana

Are we friends?

2b/Jasmine

184


I chose a coward’s yellow for you. For stepping outso magnificently -


It was an accident. (giggles) Rather a rock ‘n’ rollway to go, but not my choice.

2b/ Jasmine

I don’t believe you.

2b/Sukie the Iguana

I can’t help you with your lack of trust.

(She frowns hard at Jasmine)

2b/Jasmine

Right, you know what, Sukie, I want you out of mybedroom. Get the fuck off my duvet!

(Jasmine grabs the edge of the duvet. Sukie theIguana holds onto it and turns and turns, twistingherself and Jasmine up in it. They fall tangled up init on the bed)

Get out, get off, get away from me, you -!185


2b/Sukie the Iguana hisses

Raaancccid!

(She disappears. Jasmine sits up in the duvet andsmells it. Sukie the Iguana’s voice comes through ona voiceover)

Sukie the Iguana (voiceover) It smells of me!

(Jasmine opens the window stoically and throws theduvet out of it. She strips the sheets and throwsthem out, followed by the pillow cases. A low hissripples through the room)

2b/Jasmine

Fuck!

(She throws the pillows out of the window, then dragsthe mattress off the bed and attempts to push itthrough the open window. She manages a quarter of it,and then it gets stuck)

Get – get – get – you – Mattress Bitch of a Mattress– you – stained – and copulated – fucked - upon andbled - upon piece of ----(she gives up pushing andkicks it) Mattress! Fuck it. Let’s leave it there.

186


(She picks up a duster and starts to clean the slatson the wooden base of the bed.)

Why bother?

(She stands on the slats and jumps up and down onthem until they break. As she is doing so, Sukie theIguana silently enters and starts pushing at themattress still stuck in the open window. Jasminespots her and lunges for her with a piece of wood)


Jasmine, Jasmine! I’m helping you! Look! It’sbudging!

(Jasmine is seized with a new energy and shoves themattress with Sukie the Iguana. The window framecracks leaving the mattress still half-stuck in theframe. They stand back)

2b/ Jasmine

Leave it there!

2b/Sukie the Iguana

We didn’t do it in your bed, you know. James said itwould be weird –

187


2b/Jasmine

Just – shut up


We did it in the Greenhouse! In your cubby hole.

(Jasmine stops as if punched in the stomach, thenseizes a piece of wood and starts whacking Suzie theIguana with it –she morphs into a hologram and thewood goes right through. A fight is staged which usesthe real performer of Sukie the Iguana onstagetogether with a hologram image of her. Jasmine iscaught between the flesh-and-blood performer and thehologram projection of Sukie the Iguana who play withher – somewhat like a cruel ‘piggy in-the-middle’ asshe lashes out trying to hit them. The wood goesthrough the hologram every time. After a while,Jasmine gives up and collapses hysterically in tears.The hologram image disappears and Sukie the Iguanakneels next to her calmly).


Jasmine. I’m so sorry. I thought he would have toldyou (pause). He was showing me your aromatherapystuff, and we just decided to stay in it. You wereaway at the time. Botany conference. We wanted tospend a night together. Just to see what it was like.I wanted to know what it would be like –to go homewith him after work, to cook a meal together – we

188


wondered what it would be like to wake up with eachother – the hotels were just...

2b/Jasmine

You were playing at being his wife, being in myshoes, in my home! What kind of -

2b/Jasmine

I thought James should tell you himself – to helpre-build the trust. (pause) He should have told you.Men, eh! What are they like?! (pause.) I dounderstand, Jasmine. (pause) That night in Greenhouse- it didn’t feel right, you know. It was...there wastoo much of you in it. And he snores doesn’t he? Howdo you cope with that? (She giggles. Jasmine takes adeep breath in and stares at her). We slept on thesofa in the cubby hole. He showed me your designs forthe Eco-House. They’re very good. You designed themwhile you were in prison didn’t you? (pause) I alwaysadmired you Jasmine. (Her voice begins to break upagain) You were always ssssschhhooooo cleevvvver....

2b/ Jasmine

Why did you do that to me? I thought we were friends.


189


No reason. It was all just – chaos.

Jasmine weeps silently.

2b/Jasmine

You need to leave us alone now.


Youuu’re lucky, Jasshmine. He loves you.

2b/ Jasmine seizes Sukie the Iguana’s face in herhands

Leave us! If you’ve any good left in you, leave usalone!

3/ James plays his flute. We hear it in theSummerhouse


I can’t leave. You musssht help me. You’re lucky.You’ve always been so close to other women. I neverknew what it was like to have feeeeemale friends (Sheholds Jasmine close). Perhaps we should have had anaffair inssssstead! (she giggles) Those women youknew from the camp. Jamess said you’d end up like

190


themmm (An electric shock runs through Jasmine’sbody. She pushes Sukie the Iguana sharply away)

2b/ Jasmine

You need to go!

(She bursts into tears. Sukie the Iguana holds herclose and strokes her hair)


Sssh, baby, sssh. These knots. Let me. (She takes acomb and runs it through Jasmine’s hair) Yellowroses. For friendship, cowardice (pause) infidelityand jealousy (she digs the comb hard into Jasmine’sscalp. Jasmine snatches it from her). We have a lotin common you know. (She frowns) He lied to me too.He told me he’d leave. Said we’d go away, buy aproper house. Away from these stupid old bags, theplants, the perfume. I slept in your Greenhouse toclaim him. My final victory. But that night in there,was so warm. It smelt of you.

(There is a holographic projection that starts fromthe back of the auditorium. It is of a huge, sinewyvine with lots of leaves. It curls itself down, alongthe floor of the stalls and balconies, through theaisles and to the stage where it wraps itself aroundJasmine and Sukie the Iguana, and round James in theGreenhouse)191


The smells were so intense. I sweated and slipped andreached for him. I thought I was you. The warmth -the heat – it was something I never felt before. Ibasked in it. I knew I had finally – become - you.That I could suck him away, leave you dry as astarfish, dead and brittle on the beach.

(Another electric shock surges through Jasmine’sbody. Sukie the Iguana suddenly grabs Jasmine by thehair)

I longed for your death Jasmine. I lived andbreathed, schemed and plotted it. I made tiny dollsof you, wrapped ropes around their necks, pricked andteased them. I wished pestilence and plague on you,that the whole world would reject you. But mostly, Iwanted your flesh. Your bones. I wished to gut youlike a fish – drain you dry – make a coat from yourskin, a coat that would kid him I was you. The poor,blind, fool. And deep in the Greenhouse, I thought Ihad become you. I looked into his eyes, throughsteam and through mist -.

(She softens her grip and begins to smoothe Jasmine’shair)

And for the first time I saw - this big wall of icearound him. And the sweat on my skin began to cool.The moonlight showed me up, mocked me, pulled192


goosebumps from my flesh , the heat just slipped offme, I was as cold as ever

- I trrrried to chew through the blocks of ice he hadbuilt but my mouth froze to the sides and I gotstuck.

I pulled my lips free, the skin was bleeding I triedto call him but no sound came...

my breath came out as snowflakes and froze theblockssss of ice some mmmore....

I could see him deep through the walls..the littlefire he’d built to warm himself a pale orange heartswimming beneath glass his fur-lined hood pulled uparound his ears, his sweet back arched against thecold I forced my tongue to make sound and when itdid

a silent scream upon the wind

it wouldn’t call his name

He turned away from me Jasmine. And I knew that wasit. It was only a matter of time before he’d let youfind out.

(The hologram projection fades away. Sukie the Iguanagives a sudden, sharp gasp and her hand flies to thetip of her nose. Jasmine pushes her sharply away. Asshe does the back of Sukie’s dress flies open toreveal Iguana scales protruding from her back.Hologram spines begin to form around her head)

193


2b/Jasmine

Sukie. You need to leave this place.

2b/Sukie the Iguana

I don’t want to.

2b/Jasmine

I wish you well, but you need to go. Let the lifeyou’ve lived go. You don’t belong here. You’re dead.Get out of here, go!


Jasmine. I’m scared. Your – your –words – I don’tknow where I’m going – it’s red in here...wine-red,burgundy...It’s like I’m looking at you through aglass of Port – a –port – a-port ---you’re red, likethe room. It’s like someone’s squashed a berry in myeyes...you’re crimson, slick and purple – Jas, I’mscared let me stay....I’m dead! Oh. I’m dead!

2b/ Jasmine

Go to Steve. He loves you.


James loves me.

194


He needs me

He’s calling for me now – listen!

(We can still hear the sound of the flute)

I claim him

He was mine before he was yours

I want him to come with me

(Jasmine seizes a piece of wood and drives it atSukie the Iguana’s chest. She disappears. Jasminecrouches down on the edge of the broken bed, shaking.The carousel turns to 2a, Miss Havisham’s bedroom,the sound of the flute fades. The TV screen in herroom is switched on, and she is playing golf on Wii-Sports. There is the gentle thwack and soft, clinkingsound of the game and its far-away cheers and sighs).

2a / Miss Havisham addresses the audience as sheplays

What do I do with my time?

How do I pass the days, the weeks, the months

Am I tempted to look outside?

Sometimes.

195


But only at night do I part the curtains and take aglimpse out at the stars.

I have enough to occupy me inside.

People bring me news

I want for nothing.

We had a thriving industry here for years

Organic milk

Fresh honey

Home-made lemonade

We’d serve cream teas down by the orchard

They came from far and wide

To see the orchids, the roses, the half-charred film-set that an old bag burnt down

A recluse, they say.

There’s nothing more intriguing than a madwoman inthe attic.

I do much better for Rosa Giallo hiding away in herethan I would

Pushing myself out again

Into the glare

The lights

Those flashbulbs

The prying eyes and peeping Toms

196


I’m a dead woman now

My son’s eyes are closed to me

His warm little hand has left mine

I’ve nothing to clasp, to nurture to hold

My days wash out like endless seas howling on theshore, like endless sharks basking in a lagoon, likemorning time as it climbs over the ridge of theHimalayas

But all these things are closed to me now

I see them only in dreams and in the star-shapedpetals of yonder day-grey towers.

2a/ Enter Bride-Cake with a suitcase

Are you winning?

2a/ Miss Havisham:

I’m doing ok.

(Bride-Cake looks at the score and nods)

It’s a great thing this, you know!

2a/ Bride-Cake:

197


Estelle scored a blinder with that didn’t she? Haveyou added us all in, yet?

(Miss Havisham presses a button and shows the Playerprofiles. There are wii-constructed images of everymember of the cast).

Well, well we’re all there.

2a /Bride-Cake points to an image of an ageingItalian man:

Planning a few rounds with your old boxing partner?

2a/ Miss Havisham:

No use fighting a dead man. I got tired of hisscrawny face bouncing up and down in front of me. Theshorts! (she shudders) Don’t want to resurrect hisghost.

2a/ Bride-Cake (nods at the computer):

How are you getting on with the Second Life?

2a/ Miss Havisham:

Champion! I have a performance due in (looks at herwatch) 10 minutes! The Lady of Shallott! I gatherquite a crowd.

198


(Bride- Cake finishes packing the suitcase).

2a/ Bride-Cake:

I’m taking this now.

2a/ Miss Havisham:

And that is of interest to me because...?

2a/ Bride-Cake:

I’ll send Yogaboy up with a cup of tea.

2a/ Miss Havisham:

Hmph!

Exit Bride-Cake

2a/ Miss Havisham wanders to the cupboards and findsthem bare of clothes.

2a/ Miss Havisham:

I know this old queen has to come down soon.

Her crinoline skirts are old, the lace frayed, thehoops all gone

199


Cracked, misshapen, close to snapping

I watched this place being built

I know what’s inside

Was never meant to last

But I cling on, I cling on....

Scared to speak of the sharks coasting off on thewaves

Scared to speak of the moonbeams that once touched mycheek

The hair that now lingers on someone else’s pillow

Scared to write of the tears that rolled down alittle child’s cheeks when the sun burnt his back,his knee grazed the pavement his belly, full of ice-cream ached.

I long for that child

With the moon in his eyes

Sometimes I climb into the wardrobe

It’s safe in there

The darkness folds round me, holds me like a cloak,and deep in the silence I can feel the warm press ofOld Martha’s teat against my lips

Sometimes I climb under the stairs, find an old trunkto spend hours, and days and weeks in

200


I can’t bear to look in the mirror, I want to see no-one, want no-one to see me

What is there for me in the world out there?

My world is here

With the rats, the rodents, the small grey thingswhose bright eyes gleam and snuggle down – deep downin the straw

(She takes the laptop on her knee. The Havisham Twineavatar appears shaky and uncertain on Monitor 2. Shetaps the keys and words appear on M2)

You: Blow bugle blow, set the wild echoes flying. Blow bugle,answer, echoes dying, dying, dying...

(She runs the figure over ground, under the stonearches, through bushes, into ditches, then shepresses the ‘fly’ button and sends her out over thesea. She releases the button and Havisham Twinestands dangling and unsure above the ocean.

She leaves the laptop on the bed and moves back tothe Wii. Miss Havisham clicks on an image of anageing Italian-looking figure – the name flashes upas Silver-the-Bastard. She highlights the box andtransfers it to the ‘Delete Zone’. She clicks ontothe bowling option and starts bowling. Again, we hearthe sound of the Wii as she plays).

201


2a/ Miss Havisham:

It was late August, the day I closed the shutters. Iwas in the kitchen, the small, bright sparrowsbouncing and squealing on the lawn. Then a fat greedywood pigeon swooped from nowhere and snatched asparrow by the scruff of its neck.

It passed my window, a thumping clap of wings, thescreeching prey in its beak. I caught my breath andsaw its beady eye hard as stone and mocking –

I turned to the sink, distraught sparrows twitteringand chanting on the grass, the rustle of dog dayleaves - wasps careering their smooth sure bodiesthrough my air in search of jam

And I saw a tiny earwig struggling and slipping inthe basin. I fetched a napkin and eased it on, tookit to the door and threw it on the path. It tumbled,shook the dust and had just found its feet, when aspider shot from its lair - ran round and round thebug, parcelling it tight till it struggled no more.

I closed the door. I wished to see no more of thiscruel swaddling. The tight sticky threads, thespider’s circling dance.

202


And somehow then, I knew. It was destiny. Nothing Icould do could stop that thing from happening. Thespider had got the game wrapped up tight. Her cruel,lazy, lingering in the hole by the wall. She knew howto wait, how to watch, how to be. No slipping,sliding, jiggling in a basin - just a calm, coolwatch with her lazy eight eyes and a little prancingdance to wheel in her prey.

I told Minge about it some days later. ‘Open yourshutters!’ Minge said, ‘It’s just life! See it fromthe spider’s point of view – manna from Heaven – afeast, just thrown in her path.’ Breeze and sunlightpoured in – for a moment I saw the air as it was –spiralling, free, an endless circling,

For a moment I saw the air sliding off the sun’srays,

swimming into an invisible pool

And I saw how it was swallowed

as it reached the darkness in the room

And then I saw the wood pigeon. Fat and straddling onthe lawn, waddling his tail so soft and slowly, hisbeautiful, cool grey coat and terracotta neck.

I closed the frame and locked it. Safe in theknowledge that I had found my own lair. And it wasdark, dusty and sweet. I felt the threads circle inmy body, a silver ball of gossamer growing big, full203


and spreading to my fingertips and toes. From thatday on, I knew how to spin.

Monitor 2: Promotional video for new homes shows ablueprint of the architect’s line-drawings. Lightspins from these as they move, out and over theauditorium before being sucked back into the monitor.The carousel turns back to 2b.

4/ Jasmine climbs up to the Treehouse. She looks downat James through the glass roof of the Greenhouse.Yogaboy runs on and joins her in the Treehouse.

Lucinda stands up and moves places.

4/ Yogaboy

Jasmine! Jasmine! I’ve heard from ’Stelle – they didit! (she motions him to speak more quietly. He adoptsa loud stage whisper) She got the fucking orchid!Listen to this! (he switches his mobile toloudspeaker) She’s so amazing!

’sprit d’Estelle on mobile phone

204


Bonjour!! Bonjour mou-mou! We’ve done it! We justwalked into the bloody place and lifted it! Rightfrom under their noses!

Minge (mob)

And I was free! Free as a bird! In gay Paree!

4 /Jasmine

What’s Minge doing there?


Minge danced starkers! Everybody watched and cheered.They all ran after her and I nicked the thing! It wasawesome! It’s the most beautiful flower! Tell Jasmine– mission accomplished! We’ve a flight out firstthing!

Minge (mob)

And now we’re off dancing!

(Minge is heard singing La Vie en Rose in thebackground)


205


I couldn’t have done it without your love, my bunny!You give me wings, you make me fly! I adore you! Ican’t wait to see you. And being here, in Paris –

Minge (mob)

Did you tell him my joke?


Makes me think of you, of your eyes, of your –

Minge snatches the phone off ’sprit d’Estelle (mob)

Hallo, little peapod for a packet! Let me tell you myjoke. The great and mighty Thor was flying throughthe sky, his packet throbbing, when he sees thisbeautiful woman. He instantly falls in love andswoops down -

’sprit d’Estelle snatches the phone back (mob)

Tell him it later! Darling – I’ve got to go! TheMontmartre lot are here! We’re having a street party!We’ve put the orchid on the fountain and they’re alldancing round it. I’ll think of you! I love you !Bisou-bisou!

The phone clicks off

206


(Yogaboy seizes Jasmine and jumps around excitedly ina circle with her)

4/ Jasmine

What was Minge doing with her?

4/ Yogaboy

Went along for the ride, I think. Said somethingabout there being too many ghosts about the place andthat she needed a holiday! Miss Havisham was furious.She wanted ’Stell to go to Italy and steal a ring forher or something, but they’d caught the plane beforeshe had a chance to tell her.

4/ Jasmine

A ring?

4/Yogaboy

Yes. You know Miss Havisham’s ex, the one that’sdead, well his wife – oh!

4/Jasmine

Old Martha’s ruby? That’s my grandmother’s ring.(notices his discomfiture) I take it you’ve heardabout my film star mother. Don’t worry, she’s been along time gone.

207


4/Yogaboy

Bride-Cake brought a magazine back from Italy. It hada photo of Lucinda and she was wearing the ring.

4/Jasmine

And they want Estelle to steal it back! Fantastic!I’d love to see her get into that one (laughs). She’ddo it as well! Sweetheart, you’ve just made my day abit better (she hugs him). Did you give Miss Havishammy message?

4/ Yogaboy

She was sleeping.

4/ Jasmine

Don’t worry, I’ll tell her. God, I hope they get thatorchid through customs.

4/ Yogaboy

They will! Got to split, I’m helping Bride-Cake cleanout the hutches. Respect, sister!

4/ Yogaboy exits the treehouse.

208


4/ Jasmine switches the calor gas stove on and pourswater from a flask into a kettle.

3 / Images of audience members filmed during theinterval are projected using holographic imagery onto the stage, inside the Greenhouse and along theaisles. It is as if they are members of the publicstrolling around the grounds of the estate andvisiting the Greenhouse. James acknowledges some ofthe people and directs others to different areas ofthe stage / auditorium.

6/ Harry enters the auditorium and walks to the sideof the gates. He has a quiet word with the Po-Leeeszeand they let him through.

6 /Po-Leeesze:

There’s a new kid in town

A new kid on the block

Calls himself –

Harry walks onto the stage and looks out. He speaksinto his mobile

Harry: Harry Argento.

209


6 /Po-Leeesze

A man long travelled, a stranger in these parts

a man of wealth and fresh Italian linen

Back to claim, they say, what’s his

Who is this man

So suave and so calm

With a rich leather sack on his shoulder ?

He has a whiff of lemons

And money about him

And a sharp fang glinting

When he smiles.

Is he a friend or foe?

Will he bring blight or boon?

Bet you’re wondering aren’t you?

Like to know all about it, wouldn’t you?

Nosey.

Ever wonder what happens to people who poke theirnose in too much?

(They swoop their hands down whistling like a bird,pretend to peck their noses off and show their thumbswedged between their index and middle finger)210


That!

Blackbird pecks it off!

(Harry waves to the Po-Leeesze from the stage. Theynod an acknowledgment)

It’s not our business who he is

We don’t care who comes and goes from her gate

(They shiver, pulling their collars up around theirears and call across jokingly to Harry)

You’ve brought the weather with you haven’t you,mate?!

(Harry smiles uncomprehendingly and waves back)

I’m fed up of this rain

Lice in my helmet

A cold in my nose

What brings him here

To this old dump

This loony bin?

What interest can he have in

These old girls,211


Living out their time with a truck-load of rabbits,rats, mice

rattling out their years in spinster bliss

stroking out their days with furry things

knotting their fingers round an endless cat’s cradle?

(They look at the hologram images of people walkingpast and then out into the audience)

Have to keep an eye on this lot. Regulars set to turnup any minute. I’ve seen a few already. Keep your eyeon their pockets. Search ’em the minute you get theword.

We’re just waiting for orders

On guard for when they send the diggers in

Ready for the stroppy women

And the beardy-weirdies to chain themselves to therat cages

We’re veterans of this kind of stuff, we know -

(they whisper) How hard to hit /When to stop

How to drag an arm /So it hurts /But doesn’t leave abruise

(outloud) I just wish they’d let us get on with it

Red tape

212


Red tape

Red tape

You’ll have to clear the way there, ladies andgentlemen, we’re closing a bit early today!

(The space clears of Hologram figures. Half the Po-leesze chorus step to one side).

That’s it! I’ve had enough. This is dragging on fartoo long. I’m going for a fag break! (to audience)You won’t tell on me, will you? (They wait for someaudience response) Well don’t! Keep schtum. (call)Community Volunteers?

(A number of Pol-eeesze wearing blue arm bands stepforward. They salute the others)

You’re in charge!

(to audience)

Right you muppets! This lot are in charge, ok! Whatthey say, goes. We don’t want any funny business. Nowthen – (addresses the recruited volunteers) – keep aneye out for any trouble-makers will you? If this lotgive you bother, just whack ’em one. We’ll slap anASBO on ’em when we get back. Ok. I need a piss!

The Po-Leeeesze exit the auditorium.213


James exits the Greenhouse and bumps straight intoHarry. They recognise each other. Harry shakes hishand. His English is perfect but spoken with a strongItalian accent.

Harry:

Mr Mackintosh! Fancy seeing you here!

James looks distinctly uncomfortable and glancesaround him.

Harry:

Are you visiting the flowers?

James:

My wife is the gardener charged with their keep andmaintenance.

Harry:

Indeed. A very rewarding job. (pauses) Did you enjoyyour visit to our show-home the other day?

4/ Jasmine makes herself a tea. She hears James’voice and listens

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James:

Thank you, it was very interesting.

Harry:

The four-bed townhouse is a very popular choice forcouples of your age. We sold a number last month. Anideal choice for the more mature couple looking tostart a small family.

4/ Jasmine looks over the edge of the Treehouse

We hope to build a few more around here soon. Haveyou had an opportunity to talk to Mrs Mackintoshabout the viewing? I can easily arrange anotherappointment for you, it really is no trouble

James (notices Jasmine in the Treehouse):

She’s very busy, but I hope to in the next couple ofdays. A friend of ours passed away, we’ve otherthings on our mind at the moment.

Harry:

I’m sorry to hear that. Was it the woman on thebridge?215


(James looks uncomfortable, but nods)

I will pray for her soul. And for you and her family.

James:

Thank you.

4/ Jasmine switches the kettle off, and runs down outof the treehouse

Harry:

I was very interested in your proposition. Perhapswhen you have had time to reconcile yourself to yourloss, you will give me a call?

James:

Of course. Good to see you again, Mr Argento, takecare.

Jasmine runs to where they are standing:

James! I want to talk to you! (to Harry) Hallo. Areyou looking for some-one?

216


Harry:

I’m looking for a Miss Havisham. I believe she is inresidence here.

Jasmine:

You could say that, but she doesn’t like to bedisturbed. If you call at the kitchen you may findher housekeeper, Bridget. She will be able to assistwith your enquiries.

Harry:

Thank you. That’s wonderful. (he looks for a while atJasmine, then James) Mr Mackintosh, may I ask, isthis your –

James (highly uncomfortable):

Oh, of course, yes. Mr Argento, this is my wifeJasmine. Jas, this is Harry Argento

(They shake hands)

Jasmine

We’ve met somewhere before.

Harry:

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You look very familiar to me too.

Jasmine:

How do you know James? Are you local?

Harry:

I lived here as a child, but was raised in Italy formost of my life.

James (nervous):

Perhaps you were at the same school?

Jasmine and Harry:

I never went to school –

Harry:

I was very young when I left. My parents lived here.At Rosa Giallo.

James:

On the set?

Harry:

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Yes, the film set. They were in the acting business.

James:

Jasmine’s lived here all her life. I bet you playedtogether. There were loads of you back in those days,weren’t there –

(Jasmine unsuccessfully tries to interrupt theconversation)

Harry:

This is exactly how I remember it. You know, when Ithink of Rosa Giallo, it’s always Summer and Iremember children running, always laughing. Mybiggest memory? I went fishing in the little streamdown there and a man told me how to catch a trout.

Jasmine:

James...

Harry:

He said – you stand in the water, still as a stoneand watch. The trout, little rainbow fish, it comesswimming along keeping close to the rocks and it willbask for a while in the sun. He told me, what youmust do is stand – very still – until the troutthinks you are a rock, and then you slide your hand219


under its belly and tickle it gently until it fallsasleep. When it does, you just lift it out of thewater and eat it for your tea!

James (ignoring Jasmine):

Did you try it?

Harry:

I did! I stood there all day as still as a statueuntil my toes wrinkled and I fell over fromsunstroke! I did not catch a thing!

(The two men laugh)

Jasmine:

Ok, stop! Just- stop! Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude,Mr Argento, but how do you know my husband? Andwhat’s this ‘show-home’ you were talking about?

Harry: (taken aback)

Your husband – expressed an interest in one of ourfamily properties? If this is still the case, I canarrange another viewing for you both – perhaps earlynext week?

Jasmine (shaking):

James?220


James:

It’s just an idea I had. We will need to talk aboutit some more.

Harry:

Of course. Forgive me. This is a difficult time foryou with your loss. But you have my card, call meanytime. Jasmine – I have a box of photographs frommy days here. Perhaps while I am still in England, wecould meet for lunch and go through them together?You will probably know more of the people on themthan me? (Jasmine doesn’t answer him at first as sheis staring at James) Or perhaps a coffee? You canfind me in my office on site anytime. My secretarycan call me on the cell phone, the mobile.

Jasmine:

Do you have a card, Mr Argento?

Harry:

Harry.

Jasmine:

Harry.

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Harry:

Of course (He passes her a card). Call me. I shouldgo in to see Signora Bridget. I hope to see you bothvery soon.

James and Jasmine:

Thank you / It’s good to meet you/ Bye.

(Exit Harry)

Jasmine stares at James, then looks at the card.

Jasmine:

Italianate Homes. It’s the new estate.

James:

I know what you’re thinking, it’s not what you think.

Jasmine:

So what am I thinking? What do I think?

James:

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You think it’s to do with Sukie. It’s not.

James pulls her into the Greenhouse

3/James

Talk in here

3/Jasmine

No!

He pulls her into the ‘cubby hole’. Monitor 3 showsthe interior of the room. Jasmine stares at the roomwith fresh, wounded eyes.

M3 /Jasmine:

You were going to leave me weren’t you!

M3/ James:

I – Jasmine, I swear – it’s nothing to do with

M3/ Jasmine:

You were planning to leave me. And move in with her.That rancid apple-cored cunt.

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M3 / James:

I promise – look she’s dead.

M3 /Jasmine:

I don’t care! You were going to move in with her,with that slush-bucketing slag, that brown-scentedmush of a rotting apple-whored quim slap! Weren’tyou?! That’s why you were looking at – fucking – newestate- homes you cheap and cheating muff-munch,weren’t you? (she hits him) Weren’t you?!

(He catches her wrists)

M3 /James:

You will NOT hit me – anymore! Do you hear?!

M3 /Jasmine:

Let go of my wrists. They’re hurting.

M3/ James:

You will Not hit me again do you hear?

M3 /Jasmine:

Yes! Let go, Fuckwit!

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M3 /James:

You promise -?

M3/ Jasmine:

Let me GO!

(He drops her wrists. She slaps him around the face,then takes a step back)

M3 /Jasmine

Don’t -! Come any closer! (She spits in his face. Hestops) You deserve that fucking slap and I will notapologise to you for it (he steps nearer) Stop! Comecloser and I will slap you again! (he steps backthen) I will spit at you until there is no spit leftin my body!

M3/James:

Look, just – stop. Just ...stop.

James sits on the floor, his head in his hands.Jasmine sits down with him. They sit in silence for amoment. He starts to cry, huge gulping sobs. Jasminerubs her wrists.

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M3 /Jasmine:

You hurt my wrists.

M3 /James:

You hurt my face.

M3 /Jasmine:

You fucked her in my Greenhouse. Right – there! (shehits the sofa with her fist and throws a plant pot atthe perfume bottles. They smash).

M3 /James:

How did you find out?

M3 /Jasmine:

I just – know.

M3 /James

I’m so sorry.

M3 /Jasmine:

Are you going to tell me what’s going on? Are yougoing to tell me about this family we’re planning,and this sparkling, trendy, crap-for-the environment

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Townhouse we’re supposedly moving into. Or was thatfor you and her? (pause. He shakes his head)

M3 /James:

Can we go out of here. It’s got that weird smellagain.

M3 /Jasmine:

It always gets that at this time of year. It’s theheat and the drains. You’re avoiding the issue. Youfucked her in here didn’t you?

M3 /James:

Yes.

M3 /Jasmine:

And showed her my designs, for the Eco-House.

(He nods)

Is nothing sacred to you James? Did you have to giveher – everything – of us?

M3 /James:

It’s just a room, ok, it’s just a set of bloodyarchitect’s drawings. So I fucked her in here, big227


deal? Why’s that any worse than a hotel? The sex wasnothing – you do it so much better than her anyway.And I was proud of your designs, I wanted to showthem to her. She was interested.

M3 /Jasmine:

Showing off your wife to your fluff-stuff-on-the-side? How very Japanese. And I do it better than her?What, you kept a score-sheet on it did you? Well youknow what, James. You can have your fuckingtownhouse, and your dead mistress, and I hope shefucking sucks you dry because I, for one, am throughwith your bullshit. And I’ll tell you something –(she pulls him close and whispers) She’s back. Ispoke with her this afternoon. She is alive andkicking beyond the grave and whatever pact you’vemade with the devil, you’d better start running for aholy man because by God, she is ready to jump on yourback and cling to your shoulder for ever.

(She sweeps her arms over the remaining bottles ofperfume and smashes the pestle and mortar on thefloor. She exits the cubby hole, the Greenhouse andraces out into the auditorium. James follows her andstands at the edge of the stage. She races past thevolunteer policemen/women with the blue armbands.They are unsure as to what is happening)

Don’t even think of stopping me!

228


(She passes back through the gates and enters thewings, downstage right. Seconds later a hologramimage of a JCB appears in the central aisle. Ahologram projection of Jasmine races from the gatesdownstage left and climbs into the JCB. She revs itup and speeds off up the aisle. Lucinda steps outinto the aisle and jumps back as it is passing. TheJCB races on. A hologram projection of Sukie theIguana appears in front of it. Jasmine mows her down.Sukie the Iguana jumps up laughing. James is shoutingfrom the stage at her to come back. She disappearsthrough a side wall. Sukie the Iguana walks towardsthe stage and disappears when she reaches theorchestra pit. James re-enters the Greenhouse andstares at the broken bottles. Monitor 3 goes blank)

1/ Bride-Cake enters the kitchen and takes therucksack from under the table. She exits.

6/Po-Leeesze re-enter the auditorium at a leisurelypace.

Everything alright? Any trouble?

(The community volunteers look nervously at oneanother, but don’t tell them anything about the JCB.They are patted on the back and told they’ve done agood job. They separate up to different sides of theauditorium)

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4/ Bride-Cake enters the Treehouse and stashes therucksack there. She re-boils the kettle and sits forsome tea.

Monitor 3 switches to show a JCB zooming towards ahouse mid-construction. It ploughs into it a numberof times razing it to the ground. The JCB exits thescreen. Monitor 3 goes blank.

Lucinda approaches the Po-Leeesze at the gates. Shespeaks a perfect ‘Queen’s English’ but with anobvious Italian twang.

6/ Po-Leeesze:

Hallo, Ma’am. Can I be of service?

6/ Lucinda:

I hope so. My name is Signora Lucinda Argento. I amlooking for my son, who I believe has had cause tovisit La Rosa Giallo. Have you seen an Italian man?About (gestures with her hand) this high?

6/ Po-Leeesze:

Certainly, Signora. Mr Argento passed these gates notten minutes since. Please go through.

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6/ Lucinda:

Gracias. Many thanks.

(She dons her sunglasses and trots through to thewings)

6/ Po-Leeesze:

I cannot help but notice a peculiar gap by thathedge. A gap where until very recent, unless my eyesdeceive me, a large and yellow JCB was stood.

(they address the community volunteers) Hoi! You lot!Why didn’t you mention someone’s nicked the JCB?!(mutter) Amateurs! Bunch of Mickey-Mousers! We’reasking for trouble trying to involve the community inthis sort of thing! (They radio the station to letthem know)

(to audience)

I’ll be watching you!

Enter Minge and ’sprit d’Estelle through the sidedoors of the auditorium. They carry a broken orchidin a pot. The pot has been taped up.

231


Minge:

And so I said to the air hostess, ‘what’s anAustralian kiss?’ And she said – ‘same as a Frenchone, only it happens Down Under’! (she chuckles)


Don’t, Minge, you’ll make me laugh! I’m trying tokeep a straight face in case we bump into Jasmine. Ifeel awful about the flower being broken.

Minge:

Oh, it wasn’t our fault. We all just got a bitcarried away. It’s still alive, it’ll grow back.

(The hologram JCB screeches back through the wallsand down the aisles of the auditorium. ’spritd’Estelle and Minge jump out of its path. As they do,they drop the orchid. The JCB runs over it. Mingeand ’sprit d’Estelle duck down behind the stalls. TheHologram JCB stops at the gates downstage right. Ahologram Jasmine jumps out and runs through the gatesinto the wings. The Po-Leesze follow her and runround the back of the stage. The actress playingJasmine exits the wings at the opposite side and runsthrough the auditorium and out of the side door. ThePo-Leesze stop in the aisles.

6/ Po-Leesze:

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Lost him! Did you see who the bugger was? Well atleast it’s back. (radios to tell the station thenews) That’s made me look a right twat!

6/ The Po-Leeesze stand guard at the gates again.

(’sprit d’Estelle and Minge crawl out of their hidingplace).

Minge:

Was that Jasmine?

’sprit d’Estelle (nods):

Do you think she saw us?

(They peer down at the mangled orchid)

Oh my God.

Shall we -? We can’t leave it here, can we?

(Minge shakes her head. ’sprit d’Estelle scoops theremains into her handbag)

How do the bulbs look to you?

Minge:

233


Like testicals put through a mangle!


Don’t! Do you think she saw us?

Minge:

I don’t think so. But we’d better lie low. Maybe stayout here until it gets dark.


Don’t make me laugh anymore. I’m feeling awful. Ifeel awful but if you make me laugh, Jas will thinkI’m not taking it seriously. I need to prepare aserious face.

(They move down to the centre of the main aisle andstand at the front of the orchestra pit)

Minge:

Ok, here’s a sad tale. Help you keep your facestraight. There were three lumberjacks, Tom, Dick andHarry, and they were chopping down trees. SuddenlyTom swung his axe too far and he chopped Dick’s headoff! (chuckles a bit) Dick’s head.. Oh dear, theysaid, we’d better tell his wife. So Tom picks up the

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head, (she mimes this and puts her hand behind herback) and they go to tell his wife. They knock at thedoor (mimes this, her other hand still behind herback) and the wife answers it. ‘Oh God’ she says,‘It’s Dick isn’t it?’ Harry says, Mrs O’ Leary, ‘Doesyour Dick have blue eyes?’, ‘Yes, Oh, yes’ she says,‘And does he have dark curly hair?’ ‘Yes, Oh my God,it’s him, isn’t it?’ ‘Mrs O’Leary’ they say, ‘Is thisyour husband?’ (Minge whips out her hand from behindher back and holds it as if presenting a head to thewife), ‘Oh no’ she says, ‘he was a bit taller thanthat!’ (she cackles away) don’t worry. Something willturn up, it always does.

4/ Bride-Cake exits the Treehouse and re-enters thekitchen.

1/ She opens the cellar door, and takes MissHavisham’s suitcase from it. She exits the kitchen

4/ and makes her way back to the Treehouse.

(Enter Lucinda back through the gates and into theauditorium. She is loking lost.

Minge:

Who’s that? (she peers closer) On my life, it’s thatruby-stealing hussy Lucinda Argento. What’s she doinghere?

235



It does n’t matter why she’s here. Don’t draw anyattention to us.

Minge:

But it’s Lucinda Argento! Jasmine’s mother! The filmstar! The one whole stole Miss Havisham’s son and OldMartha’s ring.

(She runs after Lucinda, rummaging in her bag whilstshe does. Lucinda spots Minge and runs towards thegates)

Minge:

Stop, thief!

(Lucinda changes direction and runs into the centralaisle. The chase appears on Monitor 3, filmed by theCCTV camera in the auditorium)


Keep low! Keep low! Stay away from the house!

(Minge brandishes a pair of furry handcuffs, clapsthem on Lucinda’s wrist and handcuffs herself toher).

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Lucinda:

Let go of me, Minge, you mad, old, cow! Urgh! I can’tbelieve how you’ve let your face run down to yourchest in that way! I should have known never toreturn to this mad house! Uncuff me I say or I willcall the Po-leesze!

(Using her free hand she hits Minge with her handbag.’sprit d’Estelle puts her hand in her pocket andpulls out another pair of furry handcuffs. She locksherself to Lucinda’s other hand, so the three of themare chained together. Lucinda struggles betweenthem).

6/Po-Leeesze (watching from a distance)

Look at that dancing lot! The three witches ofMacbeth!

(There is a crack of thunder. Half the Chorus crossthemselves superstitiously)

Think we should go and see what they’re up to?

Minge:

Get the ring!


I’m trying!

237


(They pull at Lucinda’s finger. The ring won’t budge)

6/Po-Leeesze:

Nah! Leave ’em to it. It’ll just be some hippy ritualthing. I’ll be glad when they pull this place down,then these loonies can go somewhere else!

(There is another crack of Thunder and hologram rainstreams down)

Here comes the rain!

(Lucinda screams as the rain comes down and tries toprotect her hairdo).


Come on! We’ll cut it off her!

Lucinda:

No! You mad beeee-tches! No!

Minge:

And keep quiet when we go through the gates or we’lltell the Po-Leeesze what you stole. Now – smile! Andlet me tell you the story of – The Great and MightyGod Thor, flying through the sky, his packet

238


throbbing, and he sees this beautiful woman. Heinstantly falls in love, so he swoops down and takesher in his manly arms....

(Minge and ’sprit d’Estelle link arms with Lucinda,hiding the cuffs, and enter the gates at position 6.The Po-leesze let them through to the Wings)

The hologram image of the bandaged woman hangs abovethe stage, it turns once and faces forward.

6/ Po-Leeesze:

We all like a fairy-tale

Now and again

So now’s a good a time as any

I’ll miss out the first bit

Time’s ticking on pint-wards

Many princes had tried to cut through the thorns

And each one came away

Battered and bruised

His clothing torn

And his eyes ripped out

239


But when our lad reached the castle – it was as ifthe curse was lifting

And instead of thorns, each branch he touchedflowered

Sweet smelling yellow roses.

And the briars drew back

As a cat with cream pulls in her claws

And the way parted for him

And he took a clear path

5/Enter Harry into the kitchen

Harry:

Hallo! Is there anybody there?

3/ Jasmine storms back into the Greenhouse. As shedoes James’ mobile rings. The Po-leesze radiocrackles

3/ James:

It’s the Council.

6/ Po-leeesze:

We’re moving in.

240


(The Front-of House team open the doors to the bar. Anumber of Po-Leesze enter wearing RSPCA hats. The Po-Leesze open the gates at the doors to the wings andstart carrying hutches of live animals from the stageand out through the auditorium. Yogaboy comes runningthrough the auditorium wearing his bunny outfitfollowed by Bride-Cake. He tries to stop the animalsleaving whilst Bride-Cake talks to the officers)

3/ James

Thanks for letting me know. (to Jasmine) They’verejected us. It’s the Ballroom. It was built withsteel rods and when they did the survey they foundthey’re rusted throughout. It could fall in at anypoint. They’re moving the animals out.

(The CCTV camera above the stage pans the audience.Monitor 2 shows live footage of the audience as it istaken. Monitor 3 shows Second Life and Havisham Twinerunning uncertainly through the world).

2a/ Miss Havisham wakes suddenly and realises what ishappening – she goes to her curtain and opens it achink, recoiling from the sunlight. She begins toscream frantically. Harry hears her and runs from thekitchen.

241


3/ Jasmine and James exit the Greenhouse and run intothe auditorium.

4/ Bride-Cake exits the Treehouse and catches up withthem in the auditorium space.

Bride-Cake:

Is there anything you can do?

James:

It’s too late to stop them taking the animals – theballroom’s structure’s faulty, it could cave inanyday, it’s no use trying to save it. Where’s MissH?

Bride-Cake:

She’s in her room!

3/ Po-Leesze burst into the Greenhouse. Jasmine leapsback onto the stage.

3/ Jasmine:

Excuse me, can I help you? I’m the gardener.

3/ Po-Leeesze: We’ve a demolition order.

242


3/ Jasmine: But you can’t, there’s a rare flower inhere.

3/ Po-Leeesze: Well according to our latestinspection this morning, it’s no longer present inthe greenhouse and the Trust believes that it’s dead.

3/ Jasmine: No, it’s at the university. I can fetchit for you.

3/ Po-Leeesze: Better get it quick, love or this willgo down this evening.

(Exit)

Jasmine exits the Greenhouse and leaps off the stage.

Jasmine: Yogaboy, Yogaboy! Get ’Stell on the phone –we need her back now!

Yogaboy:

You’d better listen to this – (he hands her thephone)

’sprit d’Estelle on the mobile phone –

Cherie? Cherie. Oh God, I feel awful – we’ve brokenthe orchid –

243


(Jasmine collapses on the floor in tears)

We were at the street party and I put it on afountain, we were dancing and...I don’t know whathappened, I got talking to someone and it felloff....don’t tell Jasmine, yet, I’m going to figuresomething out –

(Jasmine switches the phone off).

(’sprit d’Estelle, Lucinda and Minge enter from aside door in the auditorium. Jasmine catches sight ofthem. They instantly exit).

Jasmine yells:

You stupid, stupid cow!

(There is a huge crash from inside the ballroom. Arabbit hutch tumbles out of the door of the wings. Astream of hologram rodents makes its way out throughthe aisles of the auditorium and disappear into thebar area).

2a/ Miss Havisham is screaming

Bride-Cake! Bride-Cake! What’s happening? Somebody!Please help me! Help!

Harry bursts into her bedroom. She collapses ontohim, clutching her chest244


2a /Harry:

Don’t worry, Signora, I’ve got you –

2a/ Miss Havisham looks at him in shock –

Matthew!

2a/ Harry –

Mama...?

(They hold each other tightly for a moment. There isanother crash and more hologram rodents streamthrough the auditorium. Huge hologram JCBs appear inthe taped-off squares at rows D-G and R-T. Otherhologram JCBs roll from the back of the auditoriumdown the aisles. The house-lights go on).

Front of House staff: This way, ladies and gentlemen,out here please. We need to clear the space.

(They clear the auditorium and the audience are toldthere will be a 15-minute interval). End of Act 2.

Act 3

245


During the interval, the Po-Leeesze approach audiencemembers in the bar and ask to see their tickets. ThePo-leeesze pay particular attention to those wearingred and request to know their name and where theyhave travelled from.

Sukie the Iguana hovers by the bar area sipping awhite wine and watching the audience. As men approachthe bar, she attempts to chat them up. Where thereare couples or groups gathered at a table, she sitsnext to them, mirroring body language and generallyattempting to encroach on their ‘party’. She acts asif she is at a dinner party and asks people if theyare enjoying the show. She probes their responses andattempts to get ‘information’ out of them – itdoesn’t matter what the subject. The general aim isfor her to insinuate herself into the bar proceedingsand to provoke a generally uncomfortable socialatmosphere, before moving on to another group.

When the audience re-enter the auditorium, thosewearing red are asked by the Po-Leeesze where theyare sitting. They are then directed a long way roundto it, and are watched with suspicion as they returnto their seat.

The rows D-G and R-T are now filled with live,fragrant, tropical plants and flowers in pots. Theside areas in front of the wings have opened rabbithutches, empty of animals but with the straw andevidence of animal habitation – hairs, fluff, half-

246


eaten cabbage leaves, small animal droppings - stillfresh. There is a heightened focus on natural smellin the space created by the presence of live organicmatter – plants, animals, food. The kitchen tablehas been put in the main treehouse (1) with a hugepile of lemons still half-chopped on it. There aretin cups and large bottles of water at the side ofthe aisles.

The audience are asked by the Po-Leeesze and Front ofHouse staff to show their tickets. The audience arefilmed by obtrusive CCTV cameras as they re-enter theauditorium. There is a well-managed chaos effected bythe Po-Leeesze and Front-of-House staff. There is thesound of dripping water and the crackle of policeradios and helicopters in the distance. There is alsoa sound of protest drums being played, whistles andshouts. Whole sections of the audience are re-directed to different rows – hence those in Row A aretold they have to sit in Row G, rows P and Q are putin rows L and M, etc. Rows D and E have ‘reserve’signs on and are taped off with police tape. In theend everyone is told to sit wherever they can find aseat. The houselights go down.

The Treehouse is set downstage right (position 1),its side open to the audience. Upstage left (2) andright (3), and downstage left (4) there are talltrees with platforms. Treehouse 3 contains animalhutches. Live rabbits are visible in the top ones.Jasmine and James occupy Treehouse 2 - they work on alaptop and speak into mobile phones. Bride-Cake and

247


Yogaboy are in Treehouse 1 with a huge saucepan seton a calor gas stove. Aerial ropes set in parallelrun between the treehouse and the tree platforms andacross the length of the stage, some going off intothe wings where large platforms are concealed. Theyare set at different heights.

The upstage area comprises one long ‘flat’ stretchingacross the back wall of the stage. It shows an imageof long green lawns with La Rosa Giallo set inminiature in the centre. The whole flat is painted,again, to a miniature aesthetic and I would recommendthat the set painter looks at ‘Indian Summer at DhigpalNivas’ by Rabindra KD Kaur Singh (1994/5) forinspiration on this. La Rosa Giallo is shown in fullset in its gardens as if looking from a distance atit. It is depicted from an exterior view not a cross-section and occupies a full square (see below forfuther details of the technology for this). Rising inan arch above La Rosa Giallo on the horizon are rowsof the new estate homes and beyond that the motorwayand the sea. Closer to the foreground are the wallsof the estate and the gardens of the house, includingthe Greenhouse and the Summerhouse. There are JCBs onthe lawn painted in miniature.

In the centre of the flat upstage, there is a large,dual, revolving billboard with louvre verticalblinds. It is set seamlessly into the flat. One sideof the blind is painted with the image of La RosaGiallo that occupies the centre of the set. This isthe side the audience see when the curtain opens. The

248


other side of the louvre blind is set with a plasmaTV screen, linked to a live CCTV monitor showing theinterior of Miss Havisham’s bedroom. For the firstpart of the third act, Miss Havisham and Harry occupythis interior filmed in real-time on a set backstageduring Act 3.

A single CCTV monitor sits far downstage right.

When the audience are seated, the Po-Leeesze millaround the auditorium as if unsure what to do.Hologram projections of the audience members filmedseated and moving are projected into every availablespace not occupied by live bodies ie. the aisles, thebalconies, the door entrances. A huge hologramprojection of the seated audience is placed at odd-angles across the space of the stage. This lasts fora whole minute. The effect is one of bodies packedinto every available crevice in the room, also ofdisorientation, claustrophobia and a sheeroverwhelming presence of people. The sound of sambadrums get louder with whistles and cheers. Theholograms fade on the stage, but remain in the aislesfor sometime, gradually disappearing again in thefirst few minutes of the action.

Po-Leeesze:

No room to move, no room to breathe

Where do they come from?

Who are they?249


They’re everywhere. No papers, no ID

I can’t work out where to put them all.

(The sound of drums and chants fade to a low murmur.We hear the low hum of a police helicopter and radiointereference)

We’ve boxed them all in as best we can

Cameras, like amoebas hang from every ceiling

I think we’ve got ’em covered but I can’t move fortoffee.

We’re at an impasse. This lot won’t budge.

We’ve been on our feet for hours.

We’ve some right old problems here

No papers, no ID

We’re wedged in tight

Can’t see the wood for the wires

It’s the silence that’s bothering me

Contain it, as best you can.

And watch. And see.

Where’s the technology when you need it?

250


Men in the Po-Leeesze Chorus, together with Yogaboyand James:

There’s a drip, drip drip of eyeball photography

Rogue alleyways shut off

A microphone in every home

Catch the iris on a slide

The flash goes on forever

Repeating patterns

(The sound of the drums and whistles increases)

Female members of the Po-Leeesze together with Bride-Cake and Jasmine:

Rome’s fingerprinting its children

Milan, Verona, Venice

Tiny little pinkies of flesh pushed hard onto an inkblot

Po-Leeesze (all):

Check their eyes, their teeth, their blood

Why wait until they’re old when you can start ityoung?

251


They’ve some right old problems there

The gates outside the city walls every night

Jam packed full of people – where do they all comefrom?

Who are they? They’re everywhere.

No papers – no ID.

Bride-Cake, female Po-Leeesze and Voice-overs:

It’s the silence that’s worrying me!

Yogaboy and James:

And in Paris, the land of love

T1/ Yogaboy and Bride-Cake:

Frayed tents house the living

Chapped fingers sew up the holes

October winds blowing in

(A chant comes in of ‘No New Homes! No New Homes!’)

Voice-over of Harry:

A stale baguette for the young ones

252


Cold tar breeze from the Seine

T/2 James (talking on his mobile):

I’m awaiting a structural report on the state of thebuilding. Its materials are not that sound, if truthbe told, but the ...

Po-Leesze:

The insane arrive at every corner

With their tales of woe

T2/ Jasmine (on another mobile):

We’re expecting some from there any minute now.

(The chant changes to ‘Save our Sanctuary’ and thereis the distant sound of drums)

Po-Leesze (on their radios)

The old bird’s still in her nest, and the others-

Flown off up into the trees like birds.

We’re sitting here like lemons.

T2 /Jasmine (talking fast on phone)

253


We’ve kept as many of the animals as we could. Manypeople want the sanctuary saved. And there’s a wholenew estate full of empty homes that haven’t sold in18 months. We offer a community service, that greatlybenefits the public....

Po-Leeesze:

It’s Mr Argento, Sir, he’s in there with her

He told us to hold off, give him time to talk

Beats me!

(Radios off)

They’re bringing reinforcements.

A touch-down.

Should be worth the wait.

(to the audience)

Just sit tight there ladies and gentlemen

someone will be along to move you shortly.

(The chanting and drums rest.)

There’s a chattering in my teeth

254


Like a swallow at the gate

(The silence gives way to the sound of waves. Thereis a splash then the beep and whirr of a submarinedescending underwater)

Got word from our pals in Italy

Two girls found dead on a beach of sunbathers

No papers, no ID

Beached with no hope on hot wet sand

Everyone got on with their picnics

You don’t want to let it spoil your holiday

T2 /James and Jasmine sit looking at each other insilence

T1 / Bride-Cake and Yogaboy chop lemons. Yogaboy iswearing his rabbit suit and ears, his face shiningwith excitement. He mops his brow with a flannelevery now and again and drinks water from a bottle. Ahuge saucepan of lentil dal is bubbling on the calorgas stove.

T1/ Yogaboy

It’s gone quiet now

255


T1/ Bride-Cake (calls across to Jasmine)

Any news?

T2/ Jasmine (calls back)

Not yet!

T2/ James: (takes her hand in his)

Good turn-out. (pause). I didn’t think we’d get thatmany. (pause). Look (takes her hand). I was nevergoing to leave you. Ever. But when I said I was in ameeting last week -

T2 /Jasmine:

You weren’t.

(pause. The beep of a submarine continues)

Po-Leeesze

They were selling souvenirs. People said -

T2 /James:

No.

256


Po-Leeesze:

No-one saw nothing. They must have slipped and fell.

T2 /Jasmine:

So where were you?

Po-leeesze:

Nothing was seen. The sea gave them up

Wet and seaweed-strapped,

faces pale as chalk

T2 /James:

I was down by the motorway.

Po-Leeesze:

Everyone got on, nothing to report

Don’t want to let it spoil your holiday

We’ve enough problems to -

(There is a crash of breaking waves and the scream ofa seagull, the submarine’s descent continues. Thehologram of the bandaged women with bleeding eye-sockets hovers in the centre of the stage)257


T1 / Bride-Cake is on the phone, mutters

Come on, Miss H! What on earth are they talking aboutin there? They’ve been in there for hours! (sheswitches the phone off). No answer! 40 years! (shewipes a tear away). How’s that saucepan doing?

T1/ Yogaboy (tastes the food)

Needs another couple of minutes (he stirs it.Addresses the audience) Shouldn’t be long, guys! Helpyourselves to water!

(A solitary drum bangs solemnly in the distance, thenfades. There is silence).

T2/ James:

It was a year to the day you found out about theaffair, and when I was seeing-

T2 /Jasmine:

The Iguana-faced traffic-jumper

T2 /James:

258


Jas, please. When I was seeing Sukie, we made a pact.We said if we were caught, we’d give it a rest tosort everything out, and then a year to the dayafter, we’d meet on the bridge.

T2/ Jasmine

What – check in with each other? Start it all againwhen the coast was clear?

T2 /James:

I know it’s shit. I don’t know what was in my headwhen I agreed to it but I did. The point is, I’dcompletely forgotten the date. I don’t want anotheraffair - I – never wanted to see her again -

T2 /Jasmine:

Well now you won’t. She’s road-kill!

T2 /James:

What the fuck has got into you? I know you’re angry,but the woman’s dead –

T2 / Jasmine

Not dead enough

259


T1/ Yogaboy lifts the lid off the saucepan

That smells gorgeous! (calls across) The dal’s nearlyready! Do you want some?

T2/ Jasmine (calls across)

Smells delicious! Save us some! We’ll be over in abit!

T1/ Bride-Cake’s phone rings, she answers it andtalks quietly into it

T1/ Yogaboy (calls across)

No problem!

T2 /James:

And she’s someone I cared for. Once. I’m trying hereJas. (pause) We made this pact. If after a year wewere still on for the affair, we’d leave a yellowribbon tied to the bridge; if we weren’t, we’d tie ablue one. That way we’d know whether the other onewas on for it or not without having to meet openly.

T2/ Jasmine

For God’s sake!

260


T2/ James

But when it all came out and you threatened to leave,I got scared, I’d fucked up, I didn’t want to loseyou so I just put Sukie and everything about her outof my mind.

T2 / Jasmine:

But she remembered.

(Sukie the Iguana walks onto the stage. The lightfades on the rest of the stage and a spotlight pansonto her. She is dressed as before, but her head andface is concealed by a long, dark shawl. She iscarrying a bunch of small yellow ribbons. She tiesthese to twigs and low branches as she passes).

T2/ James (nods):

I was on my way to a work meeting and cut through thenew estate. I looked up and saw her there on themotorway bridge. She had a yellow ribbon.

T2/ Jasmine:

It’s still there. It’s tied to the railings.

T2 /James (nods):

261


I was terrified of seeing her. I couldn’t face it soI rung my meeting and made an excuse to cancel. I wasabout to go, when she ran off the bridge and headedtowards the estate

(Sukie the Iguana exits. There is a light breezeacross the stage and the yellow ribbons flap. Soundof cars speeding by).

I thought she’d see me, so I ducked into the nearestshow-home. Harry Argento greeted me. I had to find areason for being there so I said I was looking for afamily house and he took me round. He’d shown me oneand then she came back to the bridge

(Sukie the Iguana re-enters the stage. Her face isstill covered but her body expresses disappointment.She stands for a while, takes a cigarette out andsmokes it. Eventually she leaves).

T2/ James:

I kept him talking, asked to see another, pretendedto be really keen on them. I was just waiting tillthe coast was clear. When she’d gone I left quickly.I didn’t expect him to turn up here.

T2 / Jasmine:

262


But you went back to the bridge, and put a blueribbon on?

T2 /James:

No.

(Jasmine breathes in deeply)

We said – cut all contact. I promised you I wouldn’tsee or speak to her. I was keeping my promise to you.A blue ribbon, even if it’s saying ‘no thanks’ – it’scontact isn’t it? It’s dialogue. I thought she mightstill be there.

(Sukie the Iguana appears high up on platform 3upstage right, her face still covered)

Sukie the Iguana:

I was. And I waited.

(The lights dim on the stage but focus on the flat.The louvre-blind revolves so that the image of thehouse disappears and live CCTV footage of MissHavisham and Harry in Miss Havisham’s bedroom playsto the audience through the plasma screen. MissHavisham is dressed in a long, velvet evening gownwith hood. They are seated on Miss Havisham’s bed,looking through the scrapbook of photographs).

263


Harry (emotional):

You kept these all these years. There are many, manyof them.

Miss Havisham (wipes here eyes):

I searched through every magazine I could forphotographs of you. A bittersweet task, for yourfather and Lucinda were in every one, but I took myscissors and just cut them away. I’ve arranged themin order – look!

Harry (looks through the scrapbook):

My tenth birthday...that little car...The villa, meby the swimming pool...me at the circus.....thoseendless premieres...photoshoots....I dreaded them! Iwas so teased by the other children! –

Miss Havisham:

I longed for the pictures of you – a picture to showme how you’d grown. I waited every month for the postto bring the magazines, and when Bride-Cake went toItaly, she’d bring me loads back. I willed yourfather’s career to flourish – not for him or hisstupid films – but to keep seeing images of you inthe magazines. I’ve something else for you. Here –(she reaches under the bed and pulls out a box. Harryopens it, it is full of gifts) –

264


Harry:

Presents...and cards?

Miss Havisham:

Every birthday, and one for every Christmas.

(Harry picks up a card. It has a huge badge on itwhich says ‘Happy 40th Big Man!’. He bursts into tearsand flings his arms around Miss Havisham).

Harry:

How could he tell me you were dead! He was wicked!And cruel! I hated him so much!

Miss Havisham:

You are not alone there! And you really did not guessI was still alive?

(Harry shakes his head. He kisses her hand, andcontinues to look through the scrap book)

Harry:

265


My wedding...

Miss Havisham:

You have a beautiful wife.

Harry:

...Paolo’s christening...

Miss Havisham:

I should like to hold my grandson.

Harry:

You will, oh you will. (He flicks back and looks atthe earlier pages) But this was me...with you? (MissHavisham nods) And this girl is Jasmine? Andthis ..Signora Bridget? (he looks at some newspaperclippings).. these are newspaper reports? You triedto kidnap me? (he jumps as if remembering) You raninto the classroom! You took me from school! I wasso happy to see you! We jumped in a car, we weregoing to go on a plane – then –

Miss Havisham:

I crashed. On the way to the airport. Bastard policetook you back to Mario, they got an injunction. Nocontact. It was the last time I saw you (weeps)

266


Harry:

They told me you were dead. (pause) That day. It wasthe last time anybody called me Matthew. Onlyrecently have I remembered this name. You know, ittook me many years to learn again how to speakEnglish. It always scratched at me...wrinkled andshrugged itself under my skin. When I spoke, inItalian, it always sounded like there was an echosomewhere, like the words they said one thing butsomething else was giggling away underneath. When Ithink of England, I see sunshine. I feel the pressurein my head just curl away. I have always wanted tocome home.

And, I can show you. It’s amazing. I have built anEnglish village, right next door to you. I think youshould see it from here –

(He goes to open the curtains)

Miss Havisham (shrieks)

No! Don’t touch that curtain! Stand back. (there is aflapping of wings and a coo-ing of a wood pigeon. Sheclimbs into the wardrobe).

Harry:

Mama? – Signora?267


(The telephone rings. The revolving billboard turnsback to the image of the painted Rosa Giallo. Thelights go up on the stage. The sound of drums andchanting returns. Bride-Cake descends from T1carrying a tray of tin cups filled with Dal, with apile of cut baguette next to it. She takes the trayout to the audience and offers the food around. Sheencourages the audience to eat).

Bride-Cake:

Come on, love, it’ll be a long night. Get it downyou!...We’re not sure how long we’ll be here. We’lljust have to wait. Here you go, love, its vegetarian,etc, etc.

(T2 / Jasmine is on the phone).

T2 /Jasmine:

Yes, Mr Hardy, the orchid is fine. I’ve lent it tothe university, yes it’s fine.. I appreciate that, itwill be back in the Greenhouse...it will be back inthe yes, of course you can come by and see itanytime, but we have a lot of protestors here at themoment and the police have roped us off. If you couldjust ring the Council perhaps and lend yoursupport...?

T1 / Yogaboy exits T1 and walks along the ropetowards T2 carrying two tin cups of Dal. 268


T2 James meets him in the middle and accepts the foodfrom him with thanks. They both move back to theirrespective treehouses

T2/ Jasmine:

...Our contribution to her research will be featuredin the department’s annual report....Honestly, MrHardy, the orchid is fine....The Council have somequery over the supporting wall adjoining the mainhouse, so any support you can give to emphasising theimportance...yes I will ascertain the details andcontact you forthwith. Thank you Mr Hardy. (sheswitches the phone off).

T1/ Bride-Cake is ringing Miss Havisham. She calls upfrom the audience:

Did you fend him off, darling?

T2/ Jasmine (calls back)

Pompous old bastard, wouldn’t know an orchid from hisorifice. There no option! I’ll have to go to Thailandand get a new one; my license is still current. If wecan just hold out for more time on the demolition!

T2/ James

The Ballroom is structurally unsound. We don’t have acat’s chance in Hell!

269


T1/Yogaboy

Think positive, Man! Don’t let the bastards get youdown!

T2/ James

I admire your passion, but if the Ballroom’s fucked,it’s fucked!

T1/ Bride-Cake’s phone rings –

Hallo? Miss Havisham...? Oh Matth – MrArgento...she’s what? Oh no, no you must n’t open thecurtains...she’s in the wardrobe? Does she have herlaptop in there with her?...She does, oh good,that’ll help. Put her on. Pass the phone to her, I’llpersuade her out.

(Monitor 1 switches on to Second Life. We seeHavisham Twine on a bridge. There is the sound offast typing. Words appear on the screen)

You: She left the web, she left the loom, she moved three paces inthe room, she saw the hat, she saw the plume, and she looked downto Camelot

(Bride-Cake climbs back up to T1, Yogaboy takes thetray, fills some more cups and goes back out into the270


audience to offer food, starting in a differentsection from Bride-Cake).

Po-Leeesze:

Any of that for me, son?

(Yogaboy offers the tray to the Po-Leeesze. Theylaugh)

Po-Leeesze:

You’re alright, son, I’ve my tea at home. Not allowedto eat or drink on duty! You carry on though.

(Enter Minge, Lucinda and ’sprit d’Estelle along alow rope from the wings, downstage left).

Lucinda (screeches):

You are mad, crazy beee-tches! This is outrageousentrapment and slander and I am not going on thisrope. I am not – oh!

Minge:

We’ve no choice, darling. It’s that or a nice police–van. Or we could leave you in the Ballroom for thebulldozers! Look who we found skulking at the gates?What were you looking for Lucinda, why are you back?271


Lucinda:

It is none of your business! Why would I tell you?!


Wait –I’m not here! I’m not coming with you! Minge,where’s the key, where’s the – (she tries to pull herhand out of the handcuff, then sees Jasmine) oops –back! Back! I’m not here! (she tries to pull her handout of the handcuff)

T2/ Jasmine

Get over here Estelle! You’ve some bloody explainingto do! What the hell...they’re chainedtogether...who?

T1/ Yogaboy

Stell! My love , my dove! (He pinches the ear of hisrabbit costume. It plays a few bars of ‘Wild Thing’by The Troggs.) I’ve been saving that for you!


Switch ropes! Switch ropes! I need Yogaboy! That way!(The handcuffed three switch ropes and head towardsT1. Bride-Cake puts the phone down. Yogaboy leaps

272


about in excitement. He hurries to empty his tray ofcups and bread and dashes back up to T1).

The sound of drums and the chants of ‘No New Homes’increases. A police helicopter hovers overhead andthere is a sound of a police radio

There is more fast typing from the avatar on monitor1. Words appear across the screen:

You:

Out flew the web and floated wide, the mirror cracked from side toside, the curse has come upon me cried the Lady of Shalott

Po-Leeesze:

Three more, in the trees

Handcuffed, mate

Watch the JCBs

This lot will chain themselves to anything

(The lines of spider web lights shown earlier sweepacross the stage. The hologram image of the bandagedwoman’s face comes lower and increases in focus. Itsits in the middle like a huge spider)

273


Lucinda:

What on earth is going on here? Are you trying tomake me a criminal? I am a movie star. I don’t dothis. Why do you bring me here?

Jasmine: (recognises Lucinda and watches as shepasses across the stage)

Your voice is familiar

But your face is strange.

Looking to find a mirror, I find none.

My mother is gone.

There’s nothing there of the original.

Where in that face is my mother, my grandmother?

I thought when I saw her I’d see something of me.

But she’s not there.

T1/ Bride-Cake

Who’s that? Praise God in Heaven it’s Lucinda!

Jasmine:

Who is this stranger?

Her face belongs to other people now,

She’s a surgeon’s knife-work, an ad-man’s dream, thesoftware programme’s perfect project.

274


My mother.

She’s pruned herself away.

Cut herself back.

She’s a tight shrub clipped so just to keep growing.

I see her

Woody.

Minge:

Get the boltcutters, Bride-Cake! She’s got the ring!Let’s chop it off!

Lucinda screams

No!

Minge is enjoying herself:

What’s the problem Lucinda! You’ve had plenty choppedoff you before! (prods and pokes her) Look how muchof that arse they sheard to help you lift your face!(she chuckles)

Lucinda:

Don’t touch me You hags, you fruity old loony-cakes!Don’t dare touch me, you harridans with beard down toyour chest! You witches! You cows! With wrinkled old275


dugs! (to ’sprit d’Estelle) I feel sorry for you mydear, cooped up with these terrible, terrible, oldladies. You should come back with me. I know nicepeople. I’ve a surgeon who could help you with thatchin.

T2 / Jasmine:

She’s staked her place in the Greenhouse.

Can I look at her with pleasure?

There’s no extraneous leaves – no thorns and no buds.

Just sugar-suckled, eternal flower-in-bloom

Lucinda:

I refuse to be treated in this way!

(A couple of Po-Leeesze dressed as reporters rushesout with a camera and records the crossing)

Po-Leeese / Journalist 1:

Smile, ladies!

(The three pause and give a dazzling film star smileto the camera)

Lucinda (to Minge):

276


Your teeth are foul. You never could smile like astar!

Po-Leeesze/ Journalist 2 :

Can you tell us why you’re protesting today, ’spritd’Estelle?

(The cameras click and flash on her)


Of course! The house of Paris, mon amour ma vie’sprit d’Estelle, is proud to be represented heretoday in the cause of saving our Great BallroomRabbit Sanctuary and the Greenhouse. Save ourSanctuary!

Minge:

And I too! As a representative of the veteran filmcommunity, I would like to add my two-penn’orth tothe protest. And I have a joke for you gentlemen. Howmany hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? –oh! (she is nudged out of the way by Lucinda whopushes herself forward and smiles glitzily at thecameras)

Lucinda:277


And I too, am proud to be back here, also lending mysupport to save the home that was so close to mydear, late husband’s heart.

(All cast members except Lucinda lean over from wherethey are standing and spit on the stage in stylisedunison).

Po-Leesze – Journalists:

We’ve got it! Let’s go!

T2 /James:

What the hell is going on?

Minge:

Ha! Look how

Those eyes have hardened.

Where’s the light, Lucinda?

What have they done to you?

Look at your eyes

The shape’s pulled out of line. The lids are shavedof weight

Urgh - The lasers burnt the skin off

278


T2 /Jasmine:

Her ageing face is pinned.

Lucinda:

You are plain rude, Minge! You always were! You’veaged disgracefully! Your disgusting jokes and yourman-beard!

(She raises a hand and plucks a hair off Minge’schin!)

Minge:

Ow! (she yanks the cuffs)

Look how she’s tied, Estelle,

Never end up like this!

(The camera man rushes out and takes another shot.They all pause and do the film star smile again)

Minge (whispers to Lucinda):

Oh yes Madam we’re up close

We can see that

skin tucked silly behind your ears,

Those little

Tiny hidden plaits of hair

279


Pulled screaming to the scalp

to iron tight your polished cheek.

Lucinda:

Let me down! Let me go! Po-Leeeesze! I am a star! Ido not do things this way!

T2/ James

Who on earth is she?

T2/ Jasmine

My mother!

Lucinda:

Jasmine?

(Lucinda turns and looks)

This way! This way! I want to see my daughter!

(Minge pulls the three of them towards Jasmine.’sprit d’Estelle tugs them back. They struggle for awhile then ’sprit d’Estelle acquiesces reluctantly.They inch their way towards Treehouse 2. Jasminewatches her mother’s face get nearer. There is thesound of a heartbeat and the submarine. Hologram

280


images of rabbits and flowers grow throughout theauditorium.

The bandages are unravelled from the face in thehologram. It is Lucinda’s face beneath. It shows apost-op image of her recovering from cosmetic lasertreatment. Her head is wrapped in a towel and hereye-lids stream with blood. Her face is puffy andbruised from the needles).

T2 /Jasmine:

Her hands are hidden with jewels and

That watery onyx of her eyes

The pool that first gave me a glimpse of baby-self.

The breast I once suckled has a silicone cushionwithin.

Can I lay my head

On that waterbed?

After all this time.

This doll of a mother is coming to call me daughter!

Her face, to me is strange.

Have I no wrinkles to look towards?

281


No lines to trace

Nothing to tell of the journey she has taken in herabsence from me?

Her face is already dead. No life shows there.

(The hologram image of Lucinda’s post-op face fadesand the spider web lights dissolve).

Lucinda reaches her hand to Jasmine:

Darling.

T2 /Jasmine:

Lucinda - My nose

(she gives a sudden gasp and tears come to her)

Now

Betrays me

Oh

She’s -

All women in the cast plus Miss Havisham voice-over:

musky, peach, and citrus

282


with a rich dark hint of cypress

the warm, warm tang of lemongrass

with waves of lime and thyme

T2 / Jasmine (lets out a huge gulp and tears floodfrom her)

No! That’s the smell! The one I remember. The one Icouldn’t find. That’s it! I’m not having it! Cut therope! Cut the rope!

All:

What?

T2 /James:

Sweetheart

(Jasmine leans over the side of the Treehouse andshakes the ropes furiously with one hand, holding hernose with the other. There is the sound of asubmarine emerging and breaking through the waves)

T2 / Jasmine:

Off! Off! It’s not fair! Go on! Go! Get away from mytreehouse!

283


(The three women on the ropes are screaming! Thephotographer rushes forward and takes more pictures.The chants of Save our Sanctuary increase, as do thedrums)

Po-Leeesze (radio-ing):

We’re not quite sure what’s happening Sarge? I don’tknow. They’ve got handcuffs...? Well nothing? I don’tknow what they’re doing, but they’re doing something!

Minge:

Hold on!

’sprit d’Estelle

Oh my God! Jas!

T2 /Jasmine grabs a blunt cutlery knife and tries tosaw at the ropes:

Take your smell away! Off! You can’t dock here!

Minge:

Back! Back! That way!


Yes, back that way!284


T2 / Jasmine:

Cut the rope!

Lucinda:

I want to talk to my daughter! Jasmine! Darling!

Minge:

Come on, she’ll be alright! Let her calm down!

T2 / Jasmine:

Cut the rope! Cut the rope!

(They edge back towards T1. James takes the bluntcutlery knife from Jasmine. She is shaking andcollapses back into the Treehouse. James holds her).

T2 /Jasmine:

The smell! It’s the smell!

T2/ James:

Yes.

285


T2 /Jasmine:

This memory – sunny day – thin woman with long,black hair, thin brown hands – a huge white bangle onher wrist – she’s kissing me and she walks – she’sleft her tears on my cheek – and she walks... musk,peach – a dark hint of cypress and sharp, warm tangof citrus...strong and warm and then cooling on thebreeze and I screamed – Come back! Come back! Mama!(she stands)

Lucinda:

Darling!

Minge

Back!

(They edge back towards Jasmine)


Go back.

T2 / Jasmine:

Come back! Come back!

286


The three women edge back and climb into T2. Jasmineand Lucinda cling to each other.

T2/ Lucinda:

My little plump poppet, so round like yourgrandmother! My baby. I am so sorry. (she bursts intotears) Forgive me!

(James helps Minge find the key and uncuffs them all.Lucinda steps back and looks at Jasmine, wiping hereyes. She takes the ring off her finger and places iton Jasmine’s).

T2 / Lucinda:

It was your father’s mother’s ring. I should neverhave taken it from here. And I missed – my darling –I missed you so much!

(Minge and ’sprit d’Estelle roll their eyes at eachother. ’sprit d’Estelle skips back along the rope andenjoys a passionate embrace with Yogaboy who is backin T1. A hologram image of two rabbit lovers emanatesfrom them and again, remain in permanent embraceafter the actors have stopped kissing. Minge slylyreaches down and takes Lucinda’s handbag, thenscuttles along the rope to T4. She settles herselfcomfortably, and then opens it to see what’s inside)

287


T1 / ’sprit d’Estelle:

Where’s my rabbit suit, I want it.

T1 /Yogaboy, passes her it:

Here! Put it on!

T1 /’sprit d’Estelle whispers as she dresses in therabbit suit:

Does my chin look alright?

T1/Yogaboy:

Every part of you is beautiful.

(The hologram rabbit lovers float up and over theaudience and embrace their way towards the ‘Gods’.’sprit d’Estelle dresses in her rabbit suit andpresses the tail. It plays a short burst of ‘I’m toosexy’ by Right Said Fred. They delight themselvespressing each others’ buttons and dancing to thetunes, then look towards the photographers who rushto take photos)

T1 /’sprit d’Estelle and Yogaboy:

Save our Sanctuary!

288


Po-Leesze:

What are they dancing about?

There’s no happy end in sight

There’s something in the wind

My skin feels cold all over -

(There is a huge bang from inside the house and smokepours from the wings. Sukie the Iguana runs down fromplatform 3 and occupies the centre of the stage. Sheflings off her shawl. Her head and face is almostfully Iguana Lizard. The lights on the stage dim assmoke obscures the scene. There is a loud crackle offlames.

The revolving blind turns to the plasma screen and wesee Miss Havisham’s bedroom in flames. She iswhirling round and round in a strange flamenco, herhead bent low and her heel stomping the ground.

A spotlight shines onto Sukie the Iguana. She copiesMiss Havisham’s dance laughing. The light dims onher. The sound of flames get closer. The live CCTVcamera pans onto the audience and takes images oftheir faces as they watch. This is projected onto theback wall of the stage in holographic form, eitherside of the plasma screen. It is as if the audienceare in a huge gold-fish bowl watching themselves withthe stage at the centre. There is a loud crackle offlames.289


Harry is at the door of the bedroom on the screen. Heshouts in Italian. Miss Havisham covers her face andstamps in a circle. The hem of her cloak has caughtfire. Harry leaps over the flames and pulls the greatcurtain down from the window. Light streams in and wesee row after row of large new houses set right closeup to the glass. Miss Havisham gasps and shields hereyes from the light. Sukie the Iguana runs back up toPlatform 3 and covers her face with a shawl. There isanother huge explosion. Smoke billows onto the stage.

Monitor 1 shows Havisham Twine hovering near a pool.A new avatar called Iguana Twine steps into theframe. It types for a while.

You: Another one for the pot...freshly caught...getyour Iguanas here...nice and plump....

Harry beats the flames out with his feet, rips thecurtain in half and wraps it around Miss Havisham’shead. He opens the window.

Harry:

James! James! We’re coming out!

T2 / James:

290


I think I can see you. (James edges along the highwire towards platform 3)

Miss Havisham is under the curtain. Screams:

Bride-Cake!

T1 /Bride-Cake steps onto the rope and moves alongtowards T4. There is another loud bang

Harry:

Come on! We’re going out! (They climb up to thewindow and out.)

Po-leeesze:

Move out! Come on! Clear the way!

(The hologram images of audience members fade intothe scenes of them exiting to the bar area earlier inthe evening. It is as if they are leaving the room.Their images on the stage fade. The monitor imagesalso fade and the flat disappears into darkness. A 3Dvirtual CGI image replaces it. It is of La RosaGiallo from a distance in flames, with people runningfrom the scene).

291


T3 / Sukie the Iguana steps onto the rope James isstanding on, her head covered.

Sukie the Iguana:

This way! This way!

James:

I can’t see - Harry? Miss Havisham? –

Sukie the Iguana:

This way.

(James and Sukie the Iguana move towards each otheron the rope. They meet in the centre. He reaches forher)

James:

Got you!

Sukie the Iguana pulls off her head-cover:

Got you! (she hisses and seethes with pleasure andtouches his cheek. Her hands are scaley with sharp,reptilian, claws)

292


James:

Sukie...oh my God!...Your face!

Sukie the Iguana:

When my hussshband found out I was having an affair,he cut off the tip of my nose. (she makes a sharpgasp and her hand flies to her face)

James:

What do you mean? Steve wouldn’t...

Sukie the Iguana:

Then theyyy took me out ...they buuurrried me up tomy neck in sand and threw stones at me...no-one spokefor me...I lossst my house, the juddgee he tolddd meI desserved it for being a sllutt...shhh I lossht myjob when the boss’ wife found out, no-one wouldemmmmploy me.....the couuuurtsss shaid I wass wantonand unfit, they took my chhhillldren – (she shakesand tries to speak)

James:

Sukie, what’s happening to you? Where are you?

Sukie the Iguana:

Holdddd me onccce more, I’m dead...293


Bride-Cake calls:

Where are you?

(Harry off-stage): We’re over here!

Jasmine:

James!


My God, what’s that smell?!

Sukie the Iguana recovers her speech for a shorttime:

I’m dead, James, I’m dead. I went back, every hour,looking for the yellow ribbon, four o’clock, fiveo’clock, I waited ‘till ten aglimpse, aglimpse ofyou, just once...you never came

James:

Sukie I’m-

Sukie the Iguana:

294


– nothing. My lonely yellow ribbon flapping in thebreeze – it l looked so – silly, so pathetic, soempty.

Enter Harry and Miss Havisham, her head covered in ablanket on the rope bridge downstage left. They headtowards T4 and reach the platform together. Harry,Miss Havisham, Bride-Cake and Minge hug each other intears. Lucinda steps out onto the rope from T2 andheads towards them in T4.

James and Sukie the Iguana in unison:

I walked into town

To the hotels we once met in.

they seemed shabby, tawdry

the people walking in and out –

over- made-up, wooden, cheap.

T2 /Jasmine (steps out onto the rope):

James!

James:

I looked up at the rooms, the window-less, glass-eyed rooms and I thought – I wonder how many peoplein there are with someone other than their partners?

295


Sukie the Iguana and James:

There’s loads of us, you see.

We’re swarming like cockroaches

through the newly-polished,

marble-glazed hotels of every city.

Sad, lonely fuckers.

M1 /Second Life: Iguana Woman is typing

You: Another one for the pot, another one, get yourwater boiling quick, pop it in, live Iguanas, crackleand pop...

(The sound of the submarine comes in)

James:

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a tiny bubble

A clay pod

With one little round window

And I fall deeper, deeper into the sea

Sukie the Iguana:

We’re one of a kind.

We belong together.

296


James:

The sunshine falls away, there’s a glance of coral,then I’m plunging deep into the water –

its dark, green, cold

The sun spins in

Cold, hard and chalky

Like a sucked gob-stopper

The colours blanche

My head, and ears and nose

Are pressed as in a vice

The water’s thick as treacle

I’m falling, falling, falling

Sukie the Iguana:

Look down, it’s not that far.

James (looks down):

Not that far.

The yellow ground’s so far away

No sea-dwellers live here

Sukie the Iguana:

Be free. Just fall!

297


Your head feels light. Look down and lean out far.

You can’t turn back now. It’s not fair, you owe methis.

It’s easy, I’ll help you.

Let your feet feel free

Just – jump!

Go on –

Jump!

She pulls at him. James lets go of the ropes. Monitor1 switches off.

A hologram image of him falls, but as he does a hugehand reaches out and pushes him back. The performerjerks suddenly and holds onto the rope. Jasminesnatches James’ hand and pulls him in to the rope.The hologram image of James morphs into the body ofthe performer and he gives a sharp gasp.

Jasmine:

No!

A hologram giant strides out of the smoke. It is ahologram of a woman with a basket of live Iguanas onher head. Sukie the Iguana hisses at Jasmine andleaps down to the floor. The stage plunges into

298


darkness; the virtual CGI image of the burning RosaGiallo the only image.

A CGI Iguana lizard creeps smiling onto the scene andlooks at the fire.

T1 / Yogaboy:

What the hell is that?

The CGI Iguana lizard runs towards the fire. Hologramwoman disappears into the plasma screen and emergesin CGI, following the lizard. She has a huge basketof live Iguanas on her head. The lizard runs into theburning house. The Iguana Woman turns to face thescreen then disappears.

The lights go up on the stage.

Jasmine:

It’s ok, I’ve got you.

T4 / Harry, Bride-Cake, Minge and Miss Havisham:

I’ve got you!

T1 / Yogaboy:

299


What the hell was that?

T1/ ’sprit d’Estelle:

What?

T1 / Yogaboy:

I saw a lizard...I swear...

T4 / Miss Havisham:

Where?

(she peeks out from the blanket. The first thing shesees is Lucinda walking along the rope towards her)

Cut the ropes! Cut the ropes!

The stage goes to black out. Fire engines arrive atthe scene in the 3D world and exitinguish the fire.Protestors and police run all over the screen. Theyexit the scene and leave the ruins of La Rosa Giallo,its ballroom and greenhouse smoking. The cast exitthe Treehouses. The aerial ropes are taken off savefor one which forms a string for a large ‘bender’tent. The lights go on the stage go up to reveal MissHavisham, Bride-Cake, Minge, Yogaboy, ’spritd’Estelle, Harry, Jasmine, James and Lucinda perchedon deckchairs or large stones in front of the bender.

300


The calor gas stove heats a large kettle. The CGIcharred ruins sit smoking against the painted flat.

Po-Leesze rope off the orchestra pit and gates at thewings with police tape.

Po-Leeesze:

Well, that’s decided that then.

The whole thing’s coming down.

Crazy old bag.

Could have burnt herself alive!

Come on, ladies and gentlemen, the show’s over,there’s nothing to protest about any more. Go back toyour homes. We’re bringing it down tomorrow.

(All camera equipment is removed visibly from theaudience. A sign appears and flashes up: ‘Cameras –Off’ in LED.

Hologram images of audience members exit theauditorium doors).

Jasmine, Bride-Cake and Yogaboy:

Thanks, guys. See you soon, yeah...sorry, I don’tknow what’ll happen, we’ll be in touch...thanks. Letyou know....really appreciate it, etc etc.301


Po-Leeesze:

You lot! – you can knock off home now.

We’ll wait with this lot

(Half the Po-Leeesze chorus exit. The rest stand bythe gates at the wings)

Minge:

The great and mighty God Thor, was flying through thesky, his packet throbbing, when he looks down andsees this beautiful young lady. He had never seenanybody so beautiful, it was love at first sight, sohe swoops down and takes her in his arms. She swoonswith joy, instantly enamoured of this huge andhandsome, well-endowed God. They swept off to herchambers and made wild and passionate love all night– every position under the sun – and by morning theywere exhausted. When they wake up the next morning,Thor looks at the beautiful woman by his side andthinks, ‘How rude of me. I have made wild andpassionate love to this lady all night, but forgottento ask her name’. So, ever the gentleman, he says‘I’m Thor!’ And she says –

All the cast together:

Tho’ am I but it wath good wathn’t it!302


Minge:

You know it!


It’s an old one, you’ve told us it for years!

Minge:

Have I? Well it’th a good one ithn’t it!

James:

What time is it?

Jasmine:

Half-past six.

Lucinda:

Harry, I believe you have something I need.

(Harry sighs and opens his briefcase, handing Lucindaan envelope)

303


Harry:

My father’s will.

Lucinda:

He took it in spite! He disappeared but it was always‘England, ah England, ah Rosa Giallo’ with him so Iknew where he’d be! It was my main reason forreturning to this dump. (catches Jasmine’s hand) ButI never believed I’d come back and find my daughter.James – you are a lawyer? (James nods) Then I have alawyer present (she rips the will open and reads it)Ha- most for me, thank God, some for your brothersand sisters, and the tropical fish. (sighstragically) Ah Harry, there is nothing for you. I cangive you his watch, perhaps, his suit -?

Harry:

It’s no bother, Lucinda, I know this is the case. Itook it – as you say – in spite. I am glad you arehappy. (to the others) You know, you are all morethan welcome to sleep the night in one of the estatehomes. It’s ridiculous you all sleeping out here. Youwill get cold.

Jasmine:

Thanks, Harry but I think we’d rather sleep out here.

304


Minge:

We’re very attached to the place.

Yogaboy and ’sprit d’Estelle:

It’s romantic!

Lucinda: (sniffs the air)

That smell is foul! (she lights a cigarette)

Bride-Cake:

It’s the drains. So what happened in there?

(Miss Havisham is still largely hidden by herblanket. She mutters something and muffled words comeout).

Bride-Cake:

What?

Lucinda:

Speak up, Havvy, we can’t hear you!

Miss Havisham throws back her blanket:

305


You - ! Ooh! (she recoils from the light) I – cannot–speak – so easily – for the –light – hurts – myeyes!

Lucinda whips the sunglasses from her face and passesthem to her:

Wear these!

Miss Havisham puts them on and arranges the blanketaround her face:

Well, if truth be told, Matth- Harry and I had alittle altercation after our re-union.

Harry:

I was telling her of my vision for the estate. Iwished to extend the Town houses right to the edge ofwhere La Rosa Giallo stood, then on the site of thebuilding itself, I would build a large mansion house– a replica of the original – from which to house myoffices.

Lucinda:

I think that is a beautiful vision, Harry.

All:

Shut up, Lucinda!

306


Harry:

I tried to make her understand...my dream is to buildbeautiful homes for families. Homes with gardens, aview of the sea, homes where the mummy and the daddyand the children live, work and play together, a homewhere you can invite your friends for a civilisedmeal, then shut the door at night...I wish to buildhomes so that children –

Lucinda:

Oh here we go!

Harry:

can grow safe and secure, with a differentexperience of childhood from mine!

Lucinda:

That’s it! The blessed martyr! Argh! So ungrateful!After all I did for you, you -! This is the problemwith you Harry, you never count your blessings! Andyou whinge and wail – Let me tell you this. WhenHarry was a child, my God – he was never satisfied!Never happy! He had the home a child would dream of –ponies, swimming pool, servants, nice cars, niceguests – and all he did was moan, moan, moan – ‘Iwant to be normal’! he’d whine, ‘why must you be this307


way? Drinking, and partying all night, scandals inthe newspapers, taking drugs – ’ He was worse than apriest!

Harry:

I had a miserable childhood! Photo-shoots andpremieres –

Bride-Cake:

So what happened upstairs?

Miss Havisham:

Well, he wanted me to find the deeds for the extrabit of land.

Jasmine:

Extra bit?

Miss Havisham:

The bit Silver couldn’t sell to the Council, but Ididn’t have it. And I told him, that even if I did, Iwould not sell and if he thought he was going tobulldoze La Rosa Giallo, he would do it over my deadbody!

308


Harry:

And then she said, I was just like my father –

Lucinda (to Harry):

- which you are

Miss Havisham:

I shouldn’t have said that –

Harry:

I stepped out of the room to calm down, and when Ireturned she was standing with this – milk bottle inher hand.

’sprit d’Estelle, Jasmine and Bride-Cake:

The Molotov cocktail!

(Miss Havisham shrugs)

Jasmine:

I knew she still had those instructions!

Minge (aside to Yogaboy):

309


We have all sorts of old recipes knocking about thisplace. (She waves her hand as if to reassure himthere’s nothing to worry about)

Harry:

She just lights the thing and chucks it at thewardrobe!

Miss Havisham:

I thought you had left me! I couldn’t bear it! Ithought I had driven you away!

Lucinda:

Crazy lady!

(Minge leans forward and clips Lucinda’s ear)

Jasmine:

And your plans for the Greenhouse?

Harry:

I would keep the flowers, but re-build that too, butof course, it would be purely for business purposes.

310


Bride-Cake (disappointed):

Well, looks like you’ll get your way. You’ll be doingthem a favour, the state the place is in. Sorry,Jasmine.

Jasmine:

They’d have found out the orchid was dead anyway. Andthe rest of the plants in there are replicated in thenew Botanical Gardens. (sniffs) the Trust did a goodjob of persuading me to give cuttings – before I knewall this was on the horizon of course! Bastards!

Harry:

But I have been re-thinking now. I see all the newhomes, nobody moving in. I did before I got here butsomething made me pig-headed – drew me back –

Lucinda:

You wanted to get back at your father by buildinghomes on the land he sold to English strangers butwouldn’t leave to you!

Harry:

Perhaps, but I think it was more. I think I needed tofind my home. I thought I may find my mother’s gravebut even better I find – you! (Miss Havisham weeps).311


You see, when I came here, I didn’t know of coursethat the ‘Miss Havisham’ on the paper was actually MsJan-

Miss Havisham, Bride-Cake and Minge:

Ssh!

Harry:

Was actually – a different name – and was actually,of course, my mother.

(Lucinda sniffs, and sits closer to Jasmine takingher hand).

And I was very interested in the proposition thatJames put to me –

(James motions for him to be quiet) aboutenvironmental homes.

James:

Well, it was just an idea...(to Jasmine) I didn’tplan it, it came out when I was talking, y’know, inthe show home..

312


Harry:

He tells me he’s been building a wonderful Eco-House,but run out of the materials right? And having faxedhis designs to my architect, I have received apromising letter back about the potential of this –

(The plasma screen switches on to show the spider webof architect drawings as before)


Building over the ballroom?

Yogaboy (to James):

You were working against us!

James:

It wasn’t like that –

Harry:

But the plans are wonderful –

Jasmine:

You can’t have them, they’re mine!

313


James:

It’s not how it looks, for God’s sake – the steelrods were rotting, the whole place could cave in. Iwas trying to make something positive –

Harry:

My planner is over tomorrow, if we could show him theprototype you’ve been building, we could have a deal–

Jasmine:

I bulldozed it! With a JCB. It’s gone.

James:

Shit!

Harry:

Oh.

Jasmine:

I mean, you could probably reclaim the materials...

James:

All that work – those hours we spent – building –

314


Jasmine:

You showed him our plans, that home was to be oursfor me and you – you sold us out, not me! How long didyou know about the steel rods in the ballroom?

James:

Since last week.

Minge and Bride-Cake:

How could you!

(The lines on the screen create a spider-web hologramand send it out over the stage and around theauditorium)

James:

Look – I was trying to do what’s best, y’ know. Iwanted to help set something else up before tellingyou!

Jasmine:

It’s the same old shit. You – with your own agenda –lying, concealing, making little arrangements on theside -

315


James:

Have you looked outside your window lately? There’s awhole world out there just – burning away! If wedon’t start building environmental homes that peoplecan afford the energy crises will just – you’ve gotto think outside this – box – you’re in! And whatabout us, eh? What about when this old lot pop theirclogs, and Estelle’s making her millions withlaughing boy in Paris - what are you going to do, eh?Take up residence in Miss H’s bedroom and mulch yourlife away.

Jasmine:

This is our home.

James:

For God’s sake Jas, since we came back here you’vejust retreated! You know. Your plants, your world.You don’t look at what’s happening anymore, you’velost the wider picture –

Jasmine:

Oh and you helped me with that didn’t you, with yourstupid affair in environmentally-unsound hotels onthe motorway!

316


James:

So I wanted ‘normal’ for a bit! I needed a bit of‘easy’. And yes, I’ll admit it, when I went roundHarry’s show –home – I loved it!

Harry:

Why, thank you!

James:

It was clean! It was tidy! No animals, and lemon rindand bloody old plant pots all over the place. Ithought – would n’t it be nice you know, to have –normal jobs, a normal life, not have to live in this– nuthouse – with a bunch of old – (The others stareat him) But. I got it wrong. You see, I love you. AndI love them, and all (gestures) – this! I was very,very, wrong. I just got tired of fighting.

(The lines fade from the monitor, and fade from thestage, but the hologram spider-web passes slowly upthe side walls of the auditorium)

Jasmine:

Thanks for your offer, Harry. I’m sorry, we won’t beshowing your friend the Eco-House, and I would likemy plans back –

317


Harry:

Of course.

Jasmine (looks at the others and then James)

We’ll all...we’ll talk.

(There is silence for a moment. The spider web linesreach the back wall of the auditorium. The vines andleaves that featured earlier, begin to grow from thefloor at the back and slowly pass back down the wallsand down the aisles of the auditorium back towardsthe stage)

Lucinda puts her arm around Jasmine:

Darling, I need to go. My agent has just called, Ineed to meet him at my hotel. I will be back tomorrowand I insist – I will take you shopping. And your man– he’s done right but he’s also done wrong. Wrong-right, right-wrong. Nothing is black and white. Giveit some thought, eh. (she kisses her)

Miss Havisham, you need a solarium. If you can find afrock, I will happily take you with me

Miss Havisham:

Not on your life!

318


Lucinda:

You know. He cheated on me too, Havvy.

Miss Havisham:

Save it for Oprah!

Lucinda:

Well, the offer is there. I would dearly like to chatto you all soon, catch up on old times. Estelle, it’sbeen a pleasure – just one thing – (she leans forwardand squeezes a blackhead from ’sprit d’Estelle’scheek)


Ow!

Lucinda:

This leeetle thing was annoying me all day! (she dabsat it with a tissue) There! Minge – Bride-Cake –gentlemen, ciao!

(she exits having found her handbag)

319


Minge:

Aren’t you forgetting something? (she holds up somepapers). They were in your handbag!

Miss Havisham:

What are they?

Lucinda:

How dare you rummage in my bag! Never mind. Harry,you may find your missing deeds in there. They’repapers from your father’s desk, La Rosa Giallo boringold stuff. I thought I may find the Will, but no, youhave it. Anyway. I have no clue what is in them. Sokeep them! I must fly!

(She exits, air-kissing).

Minge:

I know what’s in them, I’ve read them.

Yogaboy:

Does it say who owns the extra bit of land?

Minge:

Of course –320


Minge, Miss Havisham and Bride-Cake:

Jasmine does!

Jasmine:

What?

Minge:

You do! You knew that didn’t you?

Jasmine:

No!

James:

Didn’t you? (to Miss Havisham) why did you keep itfrom her?

Miss Havisham is shivering and pulls the blanketcloser:

Well, it’s always been Jasmine’s greenhouse, itobviously belongs to her – we all knew that. Thoughtshe did.

James (to Jasmine):

321


I thought you knew and were keeping it from me.

Jasmine:

Why would I keep- ? You knew!

James:

It was in the Estate papers. You own much of theGreenhouse and its gardens, and half of what was theBallroom. I thought you knew and were hiding it. Incase we got divorced.

Jasmine:

I don’t think that way, James. You should know thatby now.

Harry:

So we meet at the border, as neighbours, perhaps? Andhave lunch. Tomorrow! (to Miss Havisham) Mother. Mywife needs me home. I come first thing and we go andmeet her.

Miss Havisham and Harry / Matthew embrace. He leaves.The sun begins to set on the CGI Rosa Giallo

Po-Leeesze:

322


The light’s fading fast

The sea mist rolls in

It’s getting near to my bed

Just one more thing -

(Yogaboy makes some tea and passes it around).

Jasmine takes James’ hand:

You’re a twat!

James:

I’m so sorry

’sprit d’Estelle to Jasmine

You’re an heiress!

Bride-Cake (to Miss Havisham)

Your boy came home!

Miss Havisham(to Minge and Bride-Cake)

What would I have done without you two all theseyears!

323


(It begins to rain. They all go into the bender,except Miss Havisham, who takes the blanket off herhead and looks up to the sky)

Jasmine:

I am the proud owner of

A demolished Eco-House

Half a burnt-out Ballroom and

A broken Tropical House with charred plants

Minge (passes Jasmine an envelope)

It’s addressed to you.

Jasmine:

It’s my grandmother’s handwriting.

(The image on the monitor changes to reveal a dankinterior filled with grape vines. There are obscuredglass grilles in the ceiling, and steam rising fromthe floor)

Dearest Jasmine

For you – the catacomb!

Love Granny

324


It’s a map – of the greenhouse – and it shows thatdoor – the one in the ground outside. (reads) ‘Holdyour nose’ -

Minge:

She was a great joker your Granny!

(Jasmine runs to the edge of the stage, it goes toblack. The hologram vine leaves multiply and fill theauditorium. There is a steady drip of water and aquick, light burst of sulphur is released into theaudience)

Jasmine:

My God, the smell...I travelled deep into the bowelsof my grandmother’s lair. Hot, iron pipes lined thewalls – the steam was amazing. Dim light shonethrough the grille, murky with moss and lichen. Agorgeous grape vine circled its way along the pipesand the walls. The smell was intense, like a heap ofrotting bodies, mouldy corpses, rats scurried. Iploughed deeper and deeper to the source of thestench, afraid to go back without knowing, finallywhat was there. (she reaches for a torch and shinesit around the auditorium) And then I saw it – it wasthere –

(A huge fungal-like flower hologram grows from theorchestra pit)

A Rafflesia. 325


Minge:

The corpse-flower.

Jasmine:

The world’s rarest plant.

Bride-Cake:

Reproduces itself, from its host – the vine.


Flowers only for a week each year.

Miss Havisham:

The stench we lived with each Summer.

Jasmine:

Year in and year out, just waiting to be found.

Minge:

Old Martha’s Bones can finally rest.

(The lights fade on everything but the hologramRafflesia. The 3D image returns and shows the sun

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sinking behind the charred remains of La Rosa Giallo.There is the sound of waves and a beach scene appearsshowing a nest of eggs).

Po-Leeesze:

And on a tropical beach in South America

An egg wriggles with a new life

Voice-Over of Sukie the Iguana:

I was born

In a large egg by the sea

My mother

An old and barnacled creature

Scuttled away to leave me perfect, and alone

Just rocked by saltwater.

I basked in the sway of it.

(The egg on the screen cracks)

Cracking open the wall l saw the sky as the velvetnight drew close.

The smells were so intense.

I sweated and slipped and reached –

The warmth - the heat – it was something I never feltbefore. I basked in it.

And knew I had finally become ...

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(A baby Iguana lizard emerges from the shell andlooks at the world with new-born eyes)

Blackout.THE END.

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Bride-Cake Bride-Bones

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Transcript of Bride-Cake Bride-Bones