Book by Karen Boettcher-TateMusic and Lyrics by Bill Francoeur

© Copyright 2009, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this musical—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the musical2. The full name of the playwright and composer/arranger3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

ii PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES—THE MUSICAL

Book by KAREN BOETTCHER-TATEMusic and lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

AARON THE MINSTREL ..............general manager for the 46emperor; also narrator

EMPEROR PLUMPTOE ................vain, egocentric hypochondriac 127and clothes-aholic

DOCTORS* DR. SMITH ..........................probably has an accent, but as 26

to what kind of accent is anybody’s guess

DR. JONES ..........................same as above 21 DR. DRIVTONSILS................same as above 23JEREMY ....................................serving boy and general go-fer; 12

very shy and in love with TrudyTRUDY ......................................maid; also very shy; only has 13

eyes for JeremyEMPEROR’S GIRLS POOKIE ..............................loud, silly and obnoxious 33 KOOTCHIE ..........................same as above 37 SNOOKIE ............................same as above 33EMPRESS PLUMPTOE ................a bit of a ding-bat 27SGT. NEENER* ..........................in the Glump Army 17MISS PENELOPE METHOD*........superintendent of schools 11CORDELIA GLEEDRIVAL ..............representative of B.A.R.F.; 13

simply oozes sweetnessand light

MR. WART.................................swindler extraordinaire 72MR. HOG ..................................his cohort 23OLD PERSON* ..........................townsperson 8JESTER CHORUS .......................back-up singersEXTRAS* ..................................as SMALL BOY, MOTHER and

TOWNSPEOPLE*indicates role can be male or female

For preview only

iii

SETTINGTime: A long time ago, or right now, or sometime in the future.Place: The Kingdom of Glump, located near the Oozetingle forest.The stage depicts the public room in the palace, then the town square. There is a platform UP CENTER with a throne. A bench is DOWN LEFT. Three three-fold screens painted to depict an interior are also on the set—UP LEFT, UP RIGHT and on the platform behind the throne. When the scene shifts to the town square, the screens are turned to the reverse side, which will depict an exterior setting. One screen is moved in front of the throne to mask it. If screens are not available, several refrigerator boxes may be used. Banners, plants, etc. may also be used to dress the stage.

Set Design

For preview only

iv

SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERSMC 1 There was an Emperor .......................Minstrel,

Townspeople, Jester Chorus

MC 2 You Are Sick .....................................Doctors, Emperor, Jester Chorus

MC 2a Minstrel—Underscore ........................InstrumentalMC 2b Fanfare .............................................InstrumentalMC 2c Fanfare .............................................InstrumentalMC 2d Fanfare .............................................InstrumentalMC 3 Paree ...............................................Empress, Girls,

Emperor, Minstrel, Jeremy, Trudy, Jester Chorus

MC 3a Minstrel—Underscore ........................InstrumentalMC 4 Something for Everyone .....................Wart, Hog,

Townspeople, Jester Chorus

MC 4a Exotic Music Underscore....................InstrumentalMC 5 This Magic Cloth ...............................Wart, Hog, Emperor,

Empress, Girls, Townspeople, Jester Chorus

MC 5a Minstrel—Underscore ........................InstrumentalMC 5b Fractured Fanfare ..............................InstrumentalMC 6 The Man in the Underpants ................Townspeople, Jester

ChorusMC 6a Fractured Fanfare ..............................InstrumentalMC 7 Celebrate .........................................EnsembleMC 7a Curtain Call—Celebrate .....................EnsembleMC 7b There Was an Emperor—Optional

Choral Finale ....................................Ensemble

For preview only

1

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES

Scene OneLIGHTS UP: The CURTAIN is closed, the apron bare. MUSIC CUE 1: “There Was an Emperor.” MINSTREL ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and strolls to RIGHT of CENTER.MINSTREL: (Sings.) There was an emperor so vain,

He could hardly restrain himself.He wore only the strangest of clothes in the land.He was so fi lled with pride,He could never be satisfi ed.He had closets and closets of garments at hand. (TOWNSPEOPLE begin to wander IN DOWN RIGHT and DOWN LEFT. JESTER CHORUS, dressed in traditional court jester costumes, also ENTERS.)He would prance, he would primp, he would frolic about,Sticking his nose in the air.Like a frail sickly lad, he would whine, he would pout.It was hardly a royal affair.

ALL: (Sing.) There was an emperor so vain,He could hardly restrain himself.When it came to his subjects, he couldn’t care less.He was so fi lled with pride,It was truly undignifi ed,As he spent every day living life to excess.And the whole royal kingdom was one royal mess! (CROWD moans and groans. MUSIC changes to a “rock” beat.)

There was an emperor, vain as he could be.A most peculiar man was he.His campy clothes were the talk of the town.And some say he dressed like a circus clown.

TOWNSWOMEN: (Sing.) He wore every color under the sun.Clothes from near and far.

TOWNSMEN: (Sing.) Silks and satins, regally spun.ALL: (Sing.) Some would call it bizarre!

There was an emperor who was all of that.A garish, gaudy aristocrat.He was a selfi sh one, though we hate to complain.But his offbeat clothes took a bit to explain.And he sure did drive the people insane!He was one eccentric, whiney, piney,Wimpy, gimpy, moaning, groaning,

For preview only

2

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

Hypochondriac! (MUSIC UNDER as TOWNSPEOPLE and JESTERS begin to EXIT DOWN RIGHT and LEFT, all the while chattering and complaining about the emperor.)

MINSTREL: (To AUDIENCE.) Welcome! Welcome! I’m Aaron the Minstrel, and I have a tale to tell you. Now, some of you might think this story is a little far fetched, but believe me, it is TOTALLY true… pretty much. I should know because I was there! (Gives a fl ourish and the CURTAIN OPENS. He crosses a bit RIGHT and indicates the scene. EMPEROR HORACE PLUMPTOE sits, or rather slumps, on the throne. He has a bandage around his jaw that extends up and over his crown. DR. SMITH, DR. JONES and DR. DRIVTONSILS hover about the EMPEROR, taking his pulse, his temperature, hitting his knee with mallets, etc. EMPEROR is dressed in an outlandishly ornate costume, sporting vivid colors that were never meant to be worn together. During the narration, the action is mimed.) Emperor Plumptoe was the ruler of the Kingdom of Glump. Now, the emperor, in the beginning, had been a very fi ne governor. But lately… well, to put it plainly, he was letting everything go to pot! All he cared about were personal things—his gold, his jewelry, his health, and most of all, his clothes. He was a clothes horse, a clothes demon, a clothes maniac! He had 300 closets, all of them full of the latest and most hideous fashions known to man. (MUSIC OUT. MINSTREL moves into the scene.) Emperor Plumptoe, it’s time for the public audience!

EMPEROR: (Whines.) I don’t want to. I’m busy. I feel rotten. I’m down in the dumps. I’m tired. (DOCS hover over EMPEROR, “tut-tutting” and “my-mying.” These are three very odd docs.)

DR. SMITH: Ach! I detect a little fl utter of the crevulating cavity.DOCS: Ooooooo!EMPEROR: Is that bad?DR. JONES: We don’t know.EMPEROR: Well, fi nd out!DR. DRIVTONSILS: It might be a malahippo-itis, complete with zigging

of the consternation.DOCS: Ooooooo!EMPEROR: I KNEW it! I knew I had something horrible. This is terrifi c!

Don’t just stand there fl apping, do something! Pamper me. Soothe me!

DR. SMITH: There is no cure for malahippo-itis if it’s got zigging.EMPEROR: No cure? I’m doomed?MINSTREL: Your Majesty, perhaps we could take your mind off this

for a bit. It might make you feel better. We really have a lot of business to attend to and…

For preview only

3

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

EMPEROR: No! Nothing will help! I am doomed!DR. SMITH: We must consult! Dr. Jones, Dr. Drivtonsils!DRS. JONES/DRIVTONSILS: Dr. Smith! (MUSIC CUE 2: “You Are Sick.”

DOCS bow to one another, step “Groucho” style STAGE LEFT and go into a huddle. We hear a buzzing of voices and EMPEROR looks uneasy. DOCS shout “break,” a la football players, and then cross once more to the throne.)

DR. SMITH: (Speaks.) We have come to the conclusion…DR. JONES: (Speaks.) That you are…DR. DRIVTONSILS: (Speaks.) …suffering from…DR. SMITH: (Speaks.) …a rare case of…EMPEROR: (Speaks.) Of? Of? COME ON!DOCS: (Speak.) Cuppachina Raris!EMPEROR: (Speaks.) Oh, no!MINSTREL: (Distasteful.) Oooooooo!DOCS: (Sing.) You are sick! You are sick!

Undeniably, you’re sick!And it could be deadly and contagious!You are sick! You are sick!Indisputably, you’re sick! (Aside to AUDIENCE.)Yes, the man’s a living, breathing corpse! (Secretly to themselves.)

DR. SMITH: (Sings.) He could drop.DR. JONES: (Sings.) He could fl op.DR. DRIVTONSILS: (Sings.) He could wake up dead

If the whole diagnosis is wrong.DR. SMITH: (Sings.) Let’s be sure.DR. JONES: (Sings.) Find the cure for a swollen head?DOCS: (Sing.) We must keep him alive and looking strong. (JESTER

CHORUS ENTERS dressed in lederhosen. They pair up and dance a polka in the background.)

EMPEROR: (Sings.)I’ve been itching in my nose. I’ve got bunions on my toesAnd a rash that’s looking mighty bad!There’s a fever burning hot, tell me, how long do I got?Will I live to see another day?I’ve got shingles, I’ve got gout! There’s a tingling in my snout,And I feel like I’m coughing up a storm. (Coughs.)Tell me, tell me please, before I have to sneeze,Tell me that I’ll be okay! (Coughs and wheezes. JESTERS stop dancing and quietly observe.)

For preview only

4

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

DOCS: (Sing.) You are sick!EMPEROR: (Sings.) I am sick!DOCS: (Sing.) Irrefutably, you’re sick!

And the symptoms are medically outrageous!You are sick!

EMPEROR: (Speaks in rhythm.) I am sick!DOCS: (Sing.) Incontestably, you’re sick! (Aside to AUDIENCE.) Yes, the

man’s a living, breathing corpse! (Secretly to themselves.)DR. SMITH: (Sings.) He could fall.DR. JONES: (Sings.) Better stall.DR. DRIVTONSILS: (Sings.) He could go down fast.DR. JONES: (Sings.) Perhaps we should pump him full of meds.DR. SMITH: (Sings.) He could faint.DR. JONES: (Sarcastic.) How quaint.DR. DRIVTONSILS: (Sings.) Betcha he won’t last.EMPEROR: (Sings.) This Cuppa thing is giving me the dreads!DOCS: (Speak; annoyed.) Cuppachina Raris! (JESTERS again dance

the polka.)EMPEROR: (Speaks.) Whatever!

(Sings.) I’ve got spots on my liver, and I’ve just begun to shiver,And I’m feeling like I’m gonna pass out!This fever makes me wobble, like a hot shishkebabble.I’m sweating like a leaky waterspout!And when the nausea makes me dizzy,I get worked up in a tizzy,’Cause I feel like I’m just about to smother!And I’ve been sitting on the throne, feeling all aloneWhile it’s coming out one end or the other!

DOCS/JESTERS: (Sing.)He’s been itching in his nose. He’s got bunions on his toes,And a rash that’s looking mighty bad!There’s a fever burning hot,

EMPEROR: (Speaks in rhythm.) Tell me, how long do I got?(Sings.) Will I live to see another day?

DOCS/JESTERS: (Sing.)He’s got shingles, he’s got gout. There’s a tingling in his snout,And he feels like he’s coughing up a storm!

EMPEROR: (Sings.)Tell me, tell me, please, before I faint ’n’ wheeze!Tell me that I’ll be okay!

For preview only

5

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

DOCS/JESTERS: (Sing.)Time will tell, of course, you’re fi t as any horse. (Aside to AUDIENCE.) He’ll never see another day! (EMPEROR sneezes. MUSIC OUT. JESTER CHORUS EXITS.)

DR. DRIVTONSILS: Don’t worry, Your Majesty, Cuppachina Raris is rarely fatal.

EMPEROR: Really?DR. JONES: Really. But you must rest…DR. JONES: …take aspirin…DR. DRIVTONSILS: …and drink…DOCS: …plenty of liquids.EMPEROR: (Very gleeful.) Ooo! Neato-skeeto! And will I get to have

cinnamon toast in bed and have people wait on me hand and foot?

DOCS: Of course!EMPEROR: Whoopee! Oh, thank you, Doctors! You’ve made my day.

Now, go home! (DOCS EXIT, in a line, RIGHT.) Where’s Jeremy? I want Jeremy!

MINSTREL: (Crosses LEFT, calls OFF.) Jeremy the serving boy, the emperor calls you. (JEREMY, a tattered serving boy, ENTERS LEFT. He is a good-looking lad, eager, but a bit confused at times. He is out of breath from running and screeches to a halt in front of the throne, then bows.)

EMPEROR: You must wait on me hand and foot. Doctor’s orders. I have a bad case of… of…

MINSTREL: Cuppachina Raris. (JEREMY makes a face.)EMPEROR: Correct! Now, here’s a list of the things I need. (Quickly

writes down a list and hands it to JEREMY. As he does so, MINSTREL crosses slightly DOWNSTAGE and speaks to AUDIENCE. MUSIC CUE 2a: “Minstrel—Underscore.”)

MINSTREL: Now, we all know that the emperor wasn’t sick at all. All he wanted was attention. He spent tons and tons of money for doctors and pills. And believe me, those doctors had to keep on their toes to come up with weird and wonderful diseases to keep him happy. But for all that he spent on medical quacks, he spent 100 times as much for the clothes on his back. As to the KIND of clothes he bought? Well, let’s just say that the emperor’s taste was all in his mouth. (Crosses UPSTAGE a bit. MUSIC OUT.)

EMPEROR: (To JEREMY.) Now GO! And hurry up about it. (JEREMY EXITS RIGHT as fast as possible. Pouts.) Cheer me up, Minstrel.

MINSTREL: It’s time to meet with the townspeople. That will help.

For preview only

6

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

EMPEROR: Pooh! That doesn’t cheer me up. That’s… that’s… work. CHEER ME UP!

MINSTREL: But… the people are waiting!EMPEROR: I don’t care. Besides, I can’t see anyone if I feel badly.

(Moans.) Oh! I think I’m getting worse. I’m going… I’m not long for this world. This is it… (Moan.) Good-bye… I’m going.

MINSTREL: (Crosses to throne quickly.) The new shipment of clothes has arrived.

EMPEROR: (Bounces up and down, clapping his hands.) Oh, whoopee! Rah, hurrah! I’m cheered up. Yippee!

MINSTREL: (Calls OFF LEFT.) Miss Trudy, bring in the new clothes! (TRUDY ENTERS LEFT with a rack of clothes. She is a pretty little thing, shy and wide-eyed. At the same time, JEREMY races IN RIGHT with a large sack of pills, bottles, boxes, etc. They stop and stare at each other, then blush and look away. EMPEROR jumps up and crosses between them just as JEREMY starts to take TRUDY’S hand. They are thrown apart. JEREMY drops the sack, and the items go fl ying. He gathers them up, all the time stealing looks at TRUDY.)

EMPEROR: New clothes! New clothes for the emperor! Whoopee! (We hear sounds OFF LEFT. Suddenly the ROYAL FAMILY erupts onto the STAGE. The EMPEROR’S three daughters, SNOOKIE, POOKIE and KOOTCHIE, are repulsive-looking creatures, dressed in clothes that would gag a goat. They are followed by the EMPRESS, an imposing ding-bat of a woman, dressed as badly as her daughters. The WOMEN chatter incessantly. They surround the rack and immediately start trying clothes on. EMPEROR crosses to rack.) Tremendous! I’ll have a relapse later!

POOKIE: (Fighting with KOOTCHIE over a dress.) Daddy, I want the (blue) dress. Kootchie took it!

KOOTCHIE: I did not, did I, Mommy? Snookie took it!SNOOKIE: Kootchie always blames me! Pookie is the one…EMPRESS: Girls! Girls! Snookie, Pookie, Kootchie! (Bellows.) QUIET!

(GIRLS are quiet.) That’s my little angel-cakes!EMPEROR: Oh, they’re lovely! We must be the best-dressed family in

the entire universe.MINSTREL: (Crosses to EMPEROR.) Psst… Your Majesty…EMPEROR: (Puts on cape.) I must remember to have ten more closets

made. Jeremy, make a note of that. (JEREMY takes out pad and paper and writes it down. During this sequence, TRUDY has been helping the GIRLS change into the new clothes—either behind the screen, STAGE LEFT, or over the top of the clothes they are already

For preview only

7

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

wearing. JEREMY assists the EMPEROR by holding clothes, adjusting hats, etc. JEREMY and TRUDY sneak a look at each other whenever they can.)

MINSTREL: Emperor, I beg your pardon, but…EMPEROR: Jeremy, take care of my dry cleaning bill. Better yet, buy

the dry cleaning plant and move it next door to the castle.MINSTREL: Sir, the time. You’ve got to…EMPEROR: What’s the bill for today’s shipment of clothes? (JEREMY

hands him the bill, EMPEROR reads.) Seven thousand six hundred and thirteen dollars. Very reasonable. Raise the taxes!

MINSTREL: Emperor!EMPEROR: What is it, Minstrel? Can’t you see I have important stuff

to do?MINSTREL: It’s time for the public audience.EMPEROR: (Pouts.) Not now. I don’t want to.MINSTREL: Your Highness, we must. People are waiting.EMPEROR: (Trying to ignore MINSTREL.) Let me see my lovely little

daughters. Come on. How do you look? (GIRLS come forward, modeling the new clothes.) Tremendous! Fantastic!

MINSTREL: (Exasperated.) EMPEROR! It’s the law!EMPEROR: (Very annoyed.) Okay! Okay! Let’s get it over with! But, don’t

blame me if I get sick and keel over. It will be on your head! (TRUDY and JEREMY start to cross towards one another. The EMPEROR steps between them.) Remove the clothes to my dressing room. Hurry it up. (TRUDY backs OUT LEFT with clothes rack, also carrying any clothes that didn’t get put back on the rack.) I feel faint! (EMPEROR staggers a bit, then starts to fall. JEREMY races to his side to catch him. EMPEROR leans on JEREMY, who is forced to his knees by the weight. MINSTREL crosses RIGHT to announce people. JEREMY helps EMPEROR to throne, then collapses onto fl oor UP RIGHT. GIRLS sit on STAGE LEFT bench; their MOTHER stands behind them.)

POOKIE: I hate and loathe this.SNOOKIE: It’s so boring!KOOTCHIE: The townspeople are yucky!EMPRESS: Well, my little cutie-ooties, just think of it as a chance to

show off your new clothey-whoasies. (KOOTCHIE screams. JEREMY revives with a start. EVERYONE jumps up in unison.)

KOOTCHIE: Oh, no!EMPRESS: What is it?KOOTCHIE: I’ve snagged my fi ngernail! (The WOMEN gasp.)

For preview only

8

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

EMPRESS: TRUDY! TRUDY! Come here, at once. (TRUDY races IN LEFT. At the same time, JEREMY starts cross LEFT and nearly collides with TRUDY. They smile foolishly at one another.)

KOOTCHIE: (Gasping.) A nail fi le! Quickly! (JEREMY and TRUDY continue to gaze at one another.)

EMPEROR: (Roars.) AT ONCE! (JEREMY returns to his position RIGHT of throne. TRUDY reaches into her voluminous pocket and produces a nail fi le. The WOMEN cluck over the fi ngernail. TRUDY begins to fi le the nail. JEREMY stares at her.)

MINSTREL: Announcing Sgt. Neener of the Glump Army! (MUSIC CUE 2b: “Fanfare.” SGT. NEENER ENTERS RIGHT. He crosses DOWNSTAGE and RIGHT of throne.)

ALL: (Stomp, stomp, clap.) Hey! (Stomp, stomp, clap.) Hey! (MUSIC OUT. SGT. NEENER bows.)

GIRLS: (Distasteful.) Oooo. (NEENER is dressed in a uniform that has defi nitely seen better days. Even the plume on his hat looks like it is molting. He gives a smart salute.)

SGT. NEENER: Sgt. Neener reporting, Sire.EMPEROR: Make it snappy, Neener.POOKIE: He’s soooo stupid.SNOOKIE: Look at his uniform. It stinks.KOOTCHIE: I wouldn’t be caught dead in a crummy old thing like

that.POOKIE: And, he’s weird, too!GIRLS: (As in a horror movie.) Neener, neener, neener, neener…

(NEENER is growing more uncomfortable by the minute.)EMPEROR: Well, can’t you talk?SGT. NEENER: Sire, I…EMPEROR: Out with it!SGT. NEENER: The Army, your Emperorship… I’ve been elected to

approach you about funding.EMPEROR: Money? You need money? I need my money! Why should

I give you any more?SGT. NEENER: Well, to begin with, our uniforms are falling apart.KOOTCHIE: You said it, Buster. (To TRUDY, who’s still fi ling the nail.)

Ouch! You little rat. Be careful!EMPEROR: So, what am I supposed to do about it?SGT. NEENER: Sire, we don’t have the money to buy new ones.EMPEROR: So, get some.SGT. NEENER: But, but…

For preview only

9

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

EMPEROR: OW! My neck hurts. Jeremy! (JEREMY races behind throne and massages EMPEROR’S neck. EMPRESS moves to stand LEFT of the throne, takes his hand and pats it.)

EMPRESS: Oh, my poor little snookie-wookie.EMPEROR: (Pouts like a baby.) This public audience bit is hard work.

Ow! Stop it, Jeremy. (JEREMY stops and steps down from platform, RIGHT side.) You don’t need new uniforms. In fact, I have been thinking about disbanding the entire army.

MINSTREL: Your Majesty!EMPEROR: Have any wars lately?SGT. NEENER: No, but last year we used the army to fi ght an infestation

of piranha-crocs in the moat!GIRLS: Ooooo, gross!EMPEROR: I say… let them eat cake!SGT. NEENER: Huh?EMPEROR: Money refused!SGT. NEENER: But, Your Goodness… we…EMPEROR: All done. All fi nished. All over. Scram! (NEENER EXITS

RIGHT, crestfallen.)SNOOKIE: I guess you told him, Daddy.POOKIE: Minstrel, go get me a banana split.MINSTREL: I’m sorry, Miss Pookie, but I…POOKIE: (Screeches.) Don’t you ever call me that again! I am an

empressette! Got that? And so are my sisters!KOOTCHIE/SNOOKIE: YEAH!EMPRESS: Oh dear, my hair is slightly mussed! Trudy! (TRUDY crosses

to EMPRESS and fi xes her hair.)POOKIE: I’m waiting, minstrel!MINSTREL: I’m sorry, Empressette, but my duty is to announce

the…POOKIE: Daddy!EMPEROR: I hate to admit it, but he’s right. He has to announce the

townspeople.GIRLS: Daaaaady!EMPEROR: I’ll get you all two banana splits after this is over. Hurry it

up Minstrel. Next?MINSTREL: Superintendent of Schools, Miss Penelope Method!

(MUSIC CUE 2c: “Fanfare.” MISS METHOD ENTERS RIGHT. Her clothes are shabby and she wears thick glasses that have been taped to hold them together. She is quite nervous.)

For preview only

10

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

ALL: (Stomp, stomp, clap.) Hey! (Stomp, stomp, clap.) Hey! (MUSIC OUT.)MISS METHOD: (Bows.) Your Majesty.EMPEROR: What?MISS METHOD: What?EMPEROR: (Shouts.) WHAT?!MINSTREL: (Hisses.) State your business, Miss Method.MISS METHOD: Oh! I… uh… what I mean to say is…EMPEROR: Oh, ye gods and little fi shes. Spit it out!MISS METHOD: Well, sir… we… uh… (Delivers the following in a

very rapid manner, hardly stopping to take a breath.) Due to the inability to procure monetary measures, the educational system is plummeting to depths whereby they will be unable to impart basic nuggets of universal knowledge.

ALL: Huh?MISS METHOD: We don’t have any textbooks, and we’re out of

chalk.EMPEROR: So?MISS METHOD: We can’t have school if we don’t have…EMPEROR: Nonsense! My little girls have never been to school and

look at them. (GIRLS stand and curtsey and giggle.)EMPRESS: (Crosses to them and clucks over them.) Oooo, my little

sweetie-eaties.MISS METHOD: But, sir… they had tutors and…EMPEROR: So? Let the parents worry about it. Close the schools!MISS METHOD: No! If you close the schools, nobody will know how to

read or write or anything! They’ll be illiterate boobies.EMPEROR: Good-bye!MISS METHOD: (Not giving up. She grabs TRUDY and JEREMY. They

are almost nose to nose and absolutely hypnotized by one another.) Tell them how much school meant to you. (They don’t hear him.) TELL THEM! (Near tears.) Oh, no! This is how everybody will turn out if we close the schools. (Flings them apart.) Oh, destruction, oh, catastrophe!

EMPEROR: I need all my money for my clothes and my toys and my doctors, so it’s no use over-acting like that.

MISS METHOD: (Mutters as she EXITS RIGHT.) You’ll be sorry for this. You’ll see. (She’s out.)

EMPEROR: Great! I’ve got an idea. Jeremy! (TRUDY and JEREMY still gaze at each other.) JEREMY! (JEREMY jumps, races to STAGE RIGHT side of throne. TRUDY crosses DOWNSTAGE to GIRLS.)

PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWSFor preview only

11

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

SNOOKIE: Trudy’s got a boyfriend. Nyah, nyah, nyah.KOOTCHIE: It just makes me want to… (Makes “throw-up” motion,

fi nger down throat.)POOKIE: Kissey, kissey, blatt! (TRUDY and JEREMY are very embarrassed

by this.)EMPEROR: (To JEREMY.) Keep your mind on your work. You can be

replaced, you know. Now… my idea… let’s turn the school into a giant clothes-making plant. Spare no expense. (JEREMY writes all this down.) I want the best designers in the world. Whoopee, that cheers me up!

EMPRESS/GIRLS: Hurrah!EMPEROR: (To MINSTREL.) That does it. Let’s go eat!MINSTREL: There is one more waiting, sire. (ALL groan.)EMPEROR: What? Oh, nuts. Okay, okay!MINSTREL: Cordelia Gleedrival! Representative from B.A.R.F.ALL: BARF?MINSTREL: It stands for Better Action Regarding Funding. (MUSIC

CUE 2d: “Fanfare.” CORDELIA ENTERS RIGHT. She is dressed all in pink and is fl uttery and eager. She is probably one of the sweetest people in the entire world. In fact, she is so sweet that it makes a body woozy.)

ALL: (Less than enthusiastic. Stomp, stomp, clap.) Hey! (Stomp, stomp, clap.) Hey! (MUSIC OUT.)

CORDELIA: (Bows, with a fl ourish.) Oh, my wonderful emperor! How I have waited for this fantastic day. You look so wonderful. And your sweet and fi ne little family also. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and isn’t this just special, and I hope you’re having a happy day.

EMPEROR: Make it snappy, lady. I have stuff to do.CORDELIA: Well, we down at BARF…ALL: Barf?CORDELIA: Are aware that our lives, though rich in promise, have

fallen on hard times. We know that you love us all, as we love you… for life is a banquet and everybody loves a lover and that’s why I love you. So, with that thought in mind, we at BARF…

ALL: Barf?CORDELIA: Wish to ask that, because you are so special, and the whole

world is your oyster, please share this loving cup of kindness so that our cup runneth over and we shall reach out and touch someone.

EMPEROR: What in Billy blue blazes are you talking about?

For preview only

12

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

CORDELIA: Our coffers are empty, but isn’t it a grand night for singing? Our hearts are full.

EMPEROR: Lady!MINSTREL: (To EMPEROR.) I think I can translate…EMPEROR: Hurry it up.MINSTREL: She says the kingdom is starving and they need help.EMPEROR: Lady…CORDELIA: Just call me Cordelia.EMPEROR: Lady… how did you get this job?CORDELIA: Oh, I don’t mean to toot my own horn… I am very humble

and modest, but I believe it is because I embrace the very core of life and because I am so sweet and wonderful and kind and caring.

EMPEROR: The answer is NO!CORDELIA: Say what?EMPEROR: No! I need all my money. You and your cohorts don’t get it.CORDELIA: Oh! I am sorry to hear that. It grieves my heart. It saddens

me deeply. But, it’s a lovely day, and when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Today is the fi rst day of the rest of your life. Lucy, I’m home. Be happy, don’t worry! (EXITS RIGHT, happy.)

EMPEROR: Anyone else?MINSTREL: That’s it for today, Emperor. (GIRLS and EMPRESS race to

throne and begin to pull EMPEROR to his feet.)KOOTCHIE: Come on, Daddy. You said we could have some ice

cream.SNOOKIE: I want pizza.POOKIE: I want a banana split and I want twinkies and some soda pop

and some other junk, too, and then I want to have a parade so I can show off my new clothes. (MUSIC CUE 3: “Paree.”)

EMPRESS: (Speaks.) I’d like some spaghetti and meatballs and a French dip sandwich.

EMPEROR: (Speaks.) French dip sandwich? I’ve got it!WOMEN: (Speak.) What?EMPEROR: (Speaks.) Jeremy!!! Fill the hot air balloon. We’re going to

Paris for lunch.WOMEN: (Speak.) PARIS?! Yeah! Hurray!EMPEROR: (Speaks.) And who knows, maybe we’ll spend the night.EMPRESS: (Speaks.) We can shop for some new clothes!EMPEROR: (Speaks.) A splendid idea!

For preview only

13

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

GIRLS: (Speak.) We LOVE Paris!EMPRESS: (Sings.)

Yes, we’re going to Paris, where fashion comes fi rst.Ah, the styles are simply divine.There is no place like Paris to moisten our thirstFor the latest Parisian design.

EMPEROR: (Sings.) We’ll be basking in culture and savoir faire!All those clothes, magnifi que, will be mine!

EMPRESS: (Sings.)We will stroll, we will shop by the Champs-Élysées,And then later that day we will dine.

GIRLS: (Obnoxious; with terrible pronunciation; sing.)We wanna go to—Whoo!—Paree,Where the Frenchmen say, “Bonjour, oui, oui.S’il vous plaît, Je t’aime, au revoir, merci”!And we’ll parlez-vous Français all night! (Giggle.)

EMPRESS: (Speaks.) Girls, control yourselves! And please work on your pronunciation!

KOOTCHIE: (Sings.) Yes, we’re going to Paris, the city of love.There’s a smell of romance in the air.

SNOOKIE: (Sings.) There is no place like Paris, the city of love,Where the Frenchmen are so debonair.

POOKIE: (Sings.) And perhaps we will meet a Francois or Louie…KOOTCHIE: (Sings.) …Maurice or Marcel…SNOOKIE: (Sings.) …or Pierre!KOOTCHIE/SNOOKIE: (Sing.)

Then we’ll dance while we feast on the fi nest cuisine.POOKIE: (Sings.) Chocolate mousse and a yummy éclair!GIRLS: (Excited; sing.) We wanna go to—Whoo!—Paree,

Where the Moulin Rouge is calling me!And we’ll mingle with the bourgeoisieAs the can can girlies dance all night! (The GIRLS pull the EMPRESS and TRUDY into the following dance. JESTER CHORUS ENTERS dressed as Can Can girls and also joins in the dance. The EMPEROR, MINSTREL and JEREMY clap and encourage them on. DANCE INTERLUDE: EMPRESS, GIRLS, TRUDY and JESTERS dance a “Can Can” while the EMPEROR, MINSTREL and JEREMY encourage them.)

ALL: (Including GUYS; sing.) We wanna go to—Whoo!—Paree,Where the Frenchmen say, “Bonjour, oui, oui.S’il vous plaît, Je t’aime, au revoir, merci”!And we’ll parlez-vous Français all night!We’re off to ole Paree! (MUSIC OUT. JESTER CHORUS EXITS.)

For preview only

14

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

EMPRESS: Trudy! Come with us. We must change our clothes. (WOMEN EXIT LEFT. EMPEROR EXITS RIGHT.)

EMPEROR: I’ll get our passports. (JEREMY and TRUDY are left on stage. They start to move toward one another. Before they can meet, they are called OFFSTAGE.)

EMPEROR: (From OFFSTAGE.) JEREMY!EMPRESS: (From OFFSTAGE.) TRUDY! (JEREMY and TRUDY gaze at each

other, blush. JEREMY begins to back up toward throne where he has left the sack of drugstore items. He reaches behind him, fumbles for the sack, picks it up. As he does so, he loses his balance and trips forward. JEREMY and the items go fl ying as he sprawls CENTER. TRUDY utters a little scream and races to his side.)

TRUDY: (Very alarmed.) Are you all right?JEREMY: (Grinning foolishly.) Huh? (They scramble around on hands

and knees, picking up items. Finally bump heads CENTER.)TRUDY/JEREMY: I’m sorry!EMPEROR: (OFFSTAGE.) JEREMY!EMPRESS: (OFFSTAGE.) TRUDY!TRUDY: Oh, dear! I have to go.JEREMY: (Catches her hand—violins and lacey hearts!) Don’t go!TRUDY: But…JEREMY: (Exasperated, standing, picking up last of articles.) I’m tired

of waiting on them hand and foot!TRUDY: Jeremy!!JEREMY: I know, I know! But, it didn’t used to be like this. We used to

have time to relax and have fun. Now, all we do is fetch and carry. What happened?

TRUDY: (Sighs, getting to her feet.) I don’t know. When I fi rst came here, working for the empress was fun! Now she doesn’t even listen to me.

JEREMY: Now she doesn’t even let you talk! And the kingdom… it used to be a great place… now, everything has gone to pot!

TRUDY: (Alarmed, looking around.) Shhhh! Don’t let them hear you!JEREMY: (Suddenly even more aware of TRUDY.) Trudy?TRUDY: (“Aha, at last,” thinks she!) Yes? (They step towards one

another.)JEREMY: I’ve been waiting to ask you…TRUDY: Yes?JEREMY: Would you… I mean… do you… I mean…TRUDY: Yes?

PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWSFor preview only

15

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

EMPEROR: (From OFFSTAGE.) Jeremy, you little twerp, hurry up!GIRLS: (From OFFSTAGE.) Tr-r-r-u-u-dy! NOW! (MUSIC CUE 3a:

“Minstrel—Underscore.” JEREMY and TRUDY look OFF RIGHT and LEFT, then look sadly at one another. They EXIT, JEREMY RIGHT and TRUDY LEFT. MINSTREL crosses DOWNSTAGE of curtain line to AUDIENCE. CURTAIN CLOSES. If there is no curtain, the lights go to half and the set changes can take place by those people playing the TOWNSPEOPLE as the MINSTREL speaks.)

MINSTREL: The days passed, and the emperor, when he was not being doctored and waited on and spoiled, tried on his new clothes, and ordered more and more. Each outfi t was more outrageous than the last. And then, one day, something very strange and unusual happened. (MUSIC OUT.)

End of Scene One

Scene TwoCURTAIN UP: A few days later. The town square. The three-fold screens have been reversed to depict an exterior. The screen behind the throne has been moved to mask the throne. The bench has been moved from LEFT to UP RIGHT. Foliage and banners may be added if desired. Otherwise, the STAGE is empty. MINSTREL EXITS RIGHT. MR. WART and MR. HOG ENTER LEFT, pushing a large wagon. It is a garish medicine show cart with brightly colored banners and signs and covered with mysterious items dangling from the frame. One large sign declares, “POTIONS AND NOTIONS, TRAVELING MEDICINE SHOW.” WART and HOG are quite colorful themselves. They wear very bright suits and bowler hats… true “pitch men.” They place the cart UP CENTER.WART: This is it, Mr. Hog. This is it! I have a feeling about this place.HOG: Don’t look all that good ta me, Wart. Ain’t much action.WART: But there will be, my good man. The populace will succumb to

our remarkable talents! As they say in Elephant’s Breath, Montana, “There’s a sucker born every minute!”

HOG: I ain’t never been to Elephant’s Breath.WART: Suffi ce to say that once was enough. And now, let us endeavor

to set up shop.HOG: I still say it looks pretty seedy ta me.WART: Confound it, Mr. Hog… you must have faith.HOG: Yeah, yeah. But it helps if ya cheat, too.WART: Cheat? CHEAT? We don’t cheat. We fulfi ll men’s dreams. We

give them hope! We bring magic to their lives! Cheat? I should say not. We just, just... BEND the truth a little.

End of Script Sample

38

Wimpy, gimpy, moaning, groaning,Hypochondriac! (ENSEMBLE joins hands and raises them for one fi nal BOW. MUSIC OUT.)

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE, Scene One: Platform, throne, bench, three three-fold

screens painted to depict an interior, banners, plants, etc.BROUGHT ON, Scene One:

Doctor’s equipment, stethoscope, mallet, thermometer, etc. (DOCS)

Writing pad and pencil (EMPEROR, JEREMY)Paper sack of drugstore items, bill for clothes (JEREMY)Rack of clothes, nail fi le (TRUDY)

ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Three three-fold screens painted to depict an exterior (on the fl ip side of the other screens), optional foliage.

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two: Potions and notions cart*, bottles, two sets of barbells, empty trunk, license (WART, HOG)

ONSTAGE, Scene Three: TrunkBROUGHT ON, Scene Three:

Turkey leg (HOG)Various pieces of clothing that can be removed, including a cape

for EMPEROR (TOWNSPEOPLE)

*POTIONS AND NOTIONS CARTThis should be large enough to conceal a trunk, two sets of barbells, bottles and a lot of very weird-looking items—the wilder the better. A shopping cart or audio-visual cart could provide the base. A lightweight frame is then placed over the cart. Ideally, the wagon should have uprights and a canopy of some kind.The barbells are easily made with broomsticks and papier-mâché, painted black. They should be identical, or use the same barbell twice, pretending to make the “switch” behind the curtain.

PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWSFor preview only

39

MAGIC EFFECTSROSE: Collapsing fl owers are readily available at magic stores and

produce an excellent effect. If the commercial product is not used, WART could produce a single rose. He has the rose tucked up his sleeve and a wild fl ourish conceals his removing it.

SILKS: Squares of lightweight fabric such as nylon are tied together. A fl at pouch is sewn on the underside of the garment from which the silks will be removed. The silks are placed in the pouch with one end of the string of silks protruding slightly at the collar. WART then waves his arms over the person, takes hold of the silk from the upstage side and begins to pull it out slowly, stretching it across the stage.

SNOW: Confetti may be used, but a better effect comes from Styrofoam packing pellets. A piece of canvas is suspended between two batons from the fl ies, out of sight of the audience. One baton is secure, the other is held in place by a rope. The “snow” is placed on the canvas. At the signal, the rope is pulled and the canvas tips, releasing the “snow.” It is advisable to have the trick placed as far upstage as possible.

COSTUMESAnything goes! Since this story takes place in any period of history, the costuming can be as wild as you wish.EMPEROR and HIS FAMILY: These people have absolutely NO sense

of style or color. Their outfi ts should refl ect their lack of taste. The costumes should vary in each scene. Over-dressing (wearing layers of costumes) might be a solution to the changes. By removing one portion of the costume, another look can be achieved. For the “underwear” scene, the EMPEROR dresses down to a suit of baggy long-johns. The GIRLS could wear long-johns also, or garish bloomers and ruffl ed undershirts.

AARON the MINSTREL: Bloused shirt, slacksDOCS: Suits or black robesJEREMY: Tattered shirt and pantsTRUDY: Tattered peasant blouse, skirt, apronSGT. NEENER: A military costume, tattered and tornPALMER METHOD: Suit, bow tieCORDELIA: A fl uffy cloud of pinkWART and HOG: Loud, colorful “pitchmen” suits

For preview only

TOWNSPEOPLE: Peasant-type costumesJESTER CHORUS: This chorus of girls fi rst appears in traditional

jester garb with multi-pronged hats, bell staffs, etc. They may stay in this costume throughout the musical or alternatively, they can change costumes with each song. In “You Are Sick,” they can wear traditional lederhosen. In “Paree,” they may dress as French can can dancers. In “Something for Everyone,” they might dress like urban rappers. In “This Magic Cloth,” they could dress as harem dancers. In “The Man in the Underpants,” they may where outlandish bloomers or long johns. For “Celebrate” they can be back in traditional jester outfi ts. Use your imagination.

JESTER CHORUSIdeally, this group would be comprised of an even number of girls to make choreography (namely, the polka number) easier. These characters do not interact with the other characters but instead serve as a sort of Greek chorus that sings and dances but does not speak. They can assist with Wart and Hog’s special effects and accompany the characters onstage in any way you see fi t. Think Little Shop of Horrors.

40 For preview only

We hope you’ve enjoyed this script sample. We encourage you to read the entire script before making your final decision.

You may order a paper preview copy or gain instant access to the complete script online through our E-view program. We invite you to learn more and create an account at www.pioneerdrama.com/E-view.

Thank you for your interest in our plays and musicals. If you’d like advice on other plays or musicals to read, our customer service representatives are happy to assist you when you call 800.333.7262 during normal business hours.

www.pioneerdrama.com

800.333.7262Outside of North America 303.779.4035 Fax 303.779.4315

PO Box 4267Englewood, CO 80155-4267

We’re here to help!