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ISSN: 1540-5699. © Copyright by Ahead Publishing House (imprint: Okcir Press). All Rights Reserved.

HUMAN ARCHITECTURE

Journal of the Sociology of Self-

A Publication of OKCIR: The Omar Khayyam Center for Integrative Research in Utopia, Mysticism, and Science (Utopystics)

Since the day my mother brought me tothe United States from Guatemala she hastold me that I am adopted. Even though Ihave known this since I was very young, itwas not until I was four that I understoodwhat this really meant. I was watching thepopular children’s show titled “SesameStreet” one day, and I remember that theepisode was about one of the charactersgiving birth. I specifically remember thatthe mother had dark colored skin and sodid her newborn. I immediately ran to mymother (who has white skin), and held myarm up next to her and said, “My skin is adifferent color than yours, why?” Mymother was shocked, because she thoughtthat I would not mention race until I wasmuch older. At that time there were not thatmany adoption resources that dealt withthe issues experienced by transraciallyadopted children. In a recent adoptionnewsletter I found that nowadays manyadoptive parents are aware of this. For in-

stance, Lois Ruskai Melina observes that“A 3 year old is aware of people’s color dif-ferences…By the age of 4, those color differ-ences are understood to have racialimplications; that is; the child is aware thatpeople with dark skin belong to a specific‘group’” (2).

There are many aspects to being a tran-sracial adoptee. For example, in certainplaces it is harder for me to fit in. If I go to aparty with my mother, people always as-sume that we are not related. Sometimes Ifeel frustrated because I know that if I had white skin, no one would even questionwhether or not the woman I walked in withwas my mother. To take a closer look at thisand other issues related to transracial adop-tion, in this paper I will use various socio-logical theories to help me understand mysearch for identity.

Since the day I realized I was different Ihave been through many obstacles, includ-ing a birth family reunion. Although it has

Elena VanderMolen is an undergraduate student at UMass Boston, majoring in Sociology. She wrote this article whileenrolled in the course Soc. 341: “Elements of Sociological Theory,” instructed by Mohammad H. Tamdgidi (Assistant Pro-fessor of Sociology at UMass Boston) during Fall 2005 semester.

Transracial Adoption and Sociological Theory Understanding My Identity

Elena VanderMolen

University of Massachusetts Boston––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

jboo32@aol.com

Abstract: This paper self-reflectively explores from a sociological perspective various issuesexperienced by an infant adopted into a family of a different race. These experiences cover child-hood, adolescence and the search for identity, young adulthood, and a birth-mother reunion.This paper informs adoptive parents of various issues that may impact their adopted child andbecome a lifelong challenge.

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been very difficult for me over the years,each day I get closer to a better understand-ing of who I am.

One sociological theory that has helpedme probe deeper into understanding who Iam is

phenomenology.

“Phenomenologicalsociology asks us to challenge our cultural-ly learned values and ideas by questioningour way of looking at and our way of beingin the world” (Contreras 14). In the movie,

The Matrix

, for example, Neo, the maincharacter, questions whether the world hehas been living in is real. When he learnsabout the Matrix, he begins to realize thatwhat he regarded as truth is false, and thatin fact he has been living in the Matrix, afalse world created by a computer pro-gram. This idea of problematizing certainthings in life has led me to look further intothe reasons behind some of my actions andchoices. An example of this happened forme when I went to Guatemala to meet mybirth mother for the first time in 17 years.

Before I arrived, I was constantly tryingto think of why it was that I wanted to meetthis woman who was a complete strangerto me. I did not have an innate feeling tohave to meet her. The only reason I couldthink of was because of the

society

I hadlived in. I tried to remember all of the in-stances where my birth mother had beentalked about. The beauty salon was a per-fect example. When I was a child I remem-bered going to get my hair cut many timeswith my mother. The hairdresser would al-ways ask me who the woman was thatcame in with me. I would tell her that it wasmy mother and they would look puzzledand ask me more personal questions. I wasalmost always forced to tell them that I wasadopted. Then they would say things like,“So do you have a real mother? Have youever met her? Have you ever wondered ifyou have other family?” I would get so an-gry because this stranger who was cuttingmy hair would get into my personal spacebut I would not defend myself to her face. Iassumed her

authority

as an adult which

was above me, the child, and that is why Ianswered her questions. What bothered methe most was that after hearing these ques-tions, I would actually start thinking aboutmy birth mother, just like how Neo startedto question his “world” and the Matrix.

Problematizing this situation I havecome to the conclusion that the need I hadto search for my birth mother was all influ-enced by the people around me. In a studyon transracial adoptees, Florence Wester-ingh writes, “The phenomenological meth-od allows for a more in-depth analysis ofthe whole experience growing up in a cul-ture which is vastly different than one’sown and where one is considered a minor-ity” (Westeringh 13). I always wonder if Ihad been a white girl like my mother, inthose times that I had gone to get my haircut, would the hairdresser have asked mesuch personal questions?

In the movie titled,

Daughter from Dan-ang

, a Vietnamese adoptee named Heidigoes on a search for her birth mother. Oneof her reasons for searching is that heradoptive mother had previously disownedher and she felt that if she found her birthmother she would find the mother love thatshe had lost. Unlike Heidi, I did not have aspecific reason for looking for my birthmother. Lee Kang Woon, a Korean adopteefrom UMass Boston helped me better un-derstand this situation. He explores, in hisSocialization of Transracially Adopted Ko-rean Americans: A Self Analysis” (2004/5),the influence of every day and broader so-cial worlds on his identity formation. Hewrites, “In the micro world my family andfriends were telling me I was not different,just another American kid…In the macroworld, society and institutions were tellingme I was Asian” (Woon 80). I also feel like itis the macro world around me that has al-most forced me to think about my birthmother. In my micro world, my adoptivemother gave me space on this subject andnever pushed me to obsess over it. Al-though I have read in reports from many

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adoption experts that it is natural to lookfor a birth parent, my own experience leadsme to always feel that it is not natural.

A term from phenomenological sociol-ogy that has also helped me understand mylife as an adoptee is

standpoint theory

.Dorothy Smith defines this theory as the ex-ploration of “…the everyday/every nightworlds of individuals situated in subordi-nate positions” (Wallace 293). Subordinatehere, means a group that is considered oflower class or rank than the majority, suchas racial minorities. I see myself as part of asubordinate group, being both an adopteeand a person of color. This concept willcome up later when I discuss the culturalclash between my birth mother’s worldand mine. Throughout my life I have beento different therapists to help me cope withproblems that I have encountered beingadopted. I find it frustrating when I gettherapists that specialize in adoption butare not adoptees themselves. They are booksmart in the subject but do not let me seethe world from the eyes of an adoptee. Iwill mention this situation and its relationto postmodern theories later in this paper.Using the standpoint theory I have beenable to use my personal knowledge and ex-perience of being an adoptee to help otheradoptees that I know. My adopted friendswant to talk with someone who is havingsimilar experiences. This brings me to someof the specific aspects that transracial adop-tees experience in life.

This leads me to examine

symbolic in-teractionism

and how it can relate to myexploration. Symbolic interactionism“…focuses on the symbols that people useto establish meaning, develop their viewsof the world, and communicate with oneanother” (Henslin 11). As a transraciallyadopted woman this perspective hashelped me understand how I have devel-oped my sense of self, and how I view theworld around me. Charles Horton Cooleyused the concept

looking-glass self

to fur-ther explain how people learn to experi-

ence themselves in the world. This conceptcontains three elements.

The first element is the idea that peopleimagine how they appear to those aroundthem

(Henslin 59). I am especially con-scious about this idea when I visited thecountry where I was born. Even though Iam Guatemalan and speak Spanish fluent-ly, I always feel that Guatemalans will seethat I am different. They may notice my ac-cent, the way I dress, or the way I act. Forexample, I get very nervous when I speakSpanish with other Guatemalans becausethey sometimes say, “Your Spanish soundsdifferent. Are you American?” This makesme upset because I try so hard to blend inwith the people I originated from and mySpanish prevents me from doing so, or atleast at times I imagine that this is the case.

The second element of the looking-glass concept, is the idea that being aroundothers, we imagine how they judge us(Henslin 60). I am aware of this everywhereI go. For instance, when I go to the mallwith my mother I am always trying to readpeople’s faces and reactions when theylook at us. Sometimes I interpret their facesas saying, “Who the heck are those two?” Iused to get embarrassed, thinking of whatothers might interpret of an older whitewoman walking around with me, a youngHispanic. I still read people’s faces but I donot obsess over the situation.

The third element of this concept is thatby interpreting other people’s reactions wehave certain feelings and ideas about our-selves (Henslin 60). A good example iswhen I went on a trip to Guatemala withmy mother and my best friend (who hap-pens to be white) when we were both fif-teen. We walked into a restaurant and thewaiter laughed and asked my mother whyshe was eating at such a nice restaurantwith her maid, assuming her daughter wasmy friend. I was immediately insultedsince that day, when I go on trips withmother around Guatemala, I sometimeshesitate to walk side by side with her be-

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cause I feel like everyone will think that Iam her maid. Another example is when Ivisit Guatemala and someone makes acomment on my Spanish, saying that itsounds American. I immediately start hav-ing negative feelings and ideas about my-self trying to be 100% Guatemalan.

The looking-glass self leads me to an-other sociological insight on my experienceof being adopted.

The sociologist W.E.B. Du Bois intro-duced the idea of

double consciousness

. Ihave related this concept to my studies ofsociology and my personal search for theunderstanding of my identity as an adop-tee. Du Bois introduced this concept whenstudying the post-slavery era when blackslive in a world where they are said to beequal to whites, but in truth they are not.The peculiar sensation of double conscious-ness cause blacks to feel like they have twoidentities, one black and one American(Edles 324). In my whole life I have also ex-perienced this double consciousness. I tryso hard to blend into Guatemalan cultureby learning perfect Spanish, knowing thefood, and certain parts of the culture. I wantto blend in so well that no one will evenquestion whether or not I come from theUnited States. This is only natural for me towant to do. Melina has pointed out that,“Latino children adopted by Anglos havethe…need…to understand that their ethnicheritage and ethnic identity is differentthan their adoptive family’s” (3). If I makemyself understand that I will never com-pletely blend into Guatemalan culture, I tryto positively think that I can blend into myAmerican culture. As much as I would likethis, it never happens because of my brownskin and dark black hair. My adoptivemother tried to raise me in all Americanneighborhoods, like for example inBrookline, Massachusetts. She wanted tome to fit in just like everybody else. Eventhough there were immigrant childrenfrom all over the world, most of them at thisschool were white or black. I tried very

hard to be an American child like my peersbut at the same time my looks and my per-fect English were always deceiving to thosearound me. Most of my immigrant friendsspoke English with an accent, or their par-ents did. If I was not accepted as an Ameri-can girl because of my features, I would tellmy peers and teachers that I was from Gua-temala. Of course, when they saw mymother they did not believe that I was froman all Guatemalan family. After reading thewritings of Du Bois I now understand thatI have been living with two identities. Ihave tried to be the all American girl, and atthe same time tried to keep my Guatemalanidentity.

Another term that relates to the notionof double consciousness is the

Protestantethic

. This is the belief that success can beachieved through hard work and determi-nation (Henslin 360). I look at how differentmy features are from my mother. My moth-er is white with blond hair and blue eyes.Sometimes I do not think that she realizesthat at times she gets special privilegessolely based on her features. My motherwas raised to believe in the Protestant ethic.What my mother does not realize is thateven though she thinks that she has beensuccessful because of her hard work andstruggle as a woman, her skin color hasplayed a big part in her success. She hasbeen able to avoid any

prejudice

because ofbeing white. She does not realize that if Iwork hard to become successful, the browncolor of my skin is going to be a

racial

bar-rier preventing me from succeeding. Thisbrings me to the concept of

culture

.Culture is made up of the languages,

beliefs, values, norms and behaviors thatare passed on from one generation to thenext (Henslin 32). The culture that I havegrown up in is that of the American upperclass. One of the beliefs I have grown uparound is that of the Protestant ethic. Amer-ican culture is very complicated when dis-cussing transracial adoptees. I was luckythat my adoptive mother made it important

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for me to be raised with people around thatwere of different races and

ethnicities

. Al-so, she always kept me informed about myorigins and my adoption story. This is notalways the case for other transracial adop-tees. I have other friends who are alsoadopted from Guatemala, but they havebeen raised not knowing that for a while,and this despite the fact that they are al-ways the only different person around.They have told me how they feel like

theydo not fit into the

norms

of the society theywere raised in. Norms are, “A group’s ex-pectations, or rules of behavior [that] reflectand enforce a groups values” (Henslin 42).These adoptive parents do not have a socio-logical perspective of what it must be likefor their child of a different ethnicity to begrowing up around only white people. It isas if they do not see that their child is differ-ent. My mother acknowledged that I wasdifferent and spoke about that instead ofkeeping quiet.

A very important part of becoming ahealthy adult is to have formed a sense of

self

. This is the unique capacity that hu-mans have to see themselves from the out-side (Henslin 59). This can also be called the“self concept” (Brodzinsky 12). CharlesHorton Cooley approached the process ofself formation with his concept,

the

look-ing-glass self

—which I explored above al-ready. However, George Herbert Meadprovided another more in-depth notion ofthe “self” and how it develops. Emily Mar-gulies explains Mead’s theory as follows,

Mead’s theory of the emergentself

is helpful as it explains howour selves are created. In order toform a self people must take onideas and attitudes of the general-ized other so that they may func-tion in society and interact with itsmembers. This process of socializa-tion begins in childhood. Childrenbegin to take on the

role

of othersand themselves as they

play

make

believe roles…Next, kids take partin organized

games

in which theymust be able to take on the role ofevery other member…Finally, indi-viduals are able to control theirown desires, to self analyze, andcorrect themselves in order to gainacceptance of others. (3)

David Brodzinsky describes parts oraspects of “self-concept” in terms of the

physical self

,

psychological self

, and the

social self

(Brodzinsky 13). These threeparts of the self I know very well. For thephysical self I am always aware of my looksand how different from my mother I am.This goes back to the term of the lookingglass self, where a person is very aware ofhow others judge them just by physical ap-pearance. Explaining the psychological selfis more complicated. I think about who Iam from my point of view and how I am.For example, I am a quiet person, intelli-gent, and completely confused on how Ishould be feeling about being adopted. Thesocial self is about how I see myself in rela-tion to others and my understanding ofhow others see me (Brodzinsky 13). I amfriendly, quiet, and a good listener. Othersoften call me for advice about their prob-lems. These three parts of Mead’s emergentself build identity.

Thus far I have tried to relate variousmicro sociological concepts to my inquiry.A macro-level analysis of my experience asa transracial adoptee can also be done. Iwill begin with the

structural functional-ism theory

as described by Henslin. Thistheory defines society as a whole unit. It ismade up of interrelated parts that work to-gether (Henslin 13). There are three essen-tial components in the adoption process;the adoptee, adoptive parents, and thebirth parents (Pertman 7). This is referred toas a triad. If one of these parts is not ful-filled, then the other parts are not fulfilledeither. For example, let’s take the part thatmy birth mother Patricia plays. She was

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young, poor, without a husband, and preg-nant.

She was working as a live-in housemaid. Her employer told her she could notwork in their home and raise a baby at thesame time. Patricia made a

rational choice

in deciding to keep her job and give me upfor adoption. The theory of rational choiceassumes that people are rational and basetheir actions on what they perceive to bethe most effective means to achieve theirgoals (Wallace and Wolf 303). Because herboss would not let her work in her housewith a child, Patricia made the rationalchoice to give me up but at the same timeachieve her goals of keeping her work andsurviving. This is where the triad comesinto play. As Patricia was looking for some-one to adopt and care for me, my adoptivemother, Gail, was looking for a child toadopt. Gail, at the time I was born, had avery different

status

than Patricia, econom-ically. She was a forty year old Ph.D. re-search scientist who was actively pursuingher career. She owned her own home andhad other real estate investments. It is im-portant to notice that this is where

conflicttheory

fits into this triad. Conflict theory isabout how society is viewed as being com-posed of groups competing for scarce re-sources. One of the elements of this theoryis that “all people want and attempt to ac-quire certain things” (Wallace and Wolf 68-89). For example, a house, security, a career.My mother already had these things, butnow she wanted a child. Patricia, on theother hand, never did acquire these basicthings.

In addition to the structural functional-ist theory, the

conflict theory

can also beused to explore the transracial adoption ex-perience. Looking at the adoption triadfrom this perspective provides a global so-ciological framework. Conflict theoryviews society as being composed of groupscompeting for scarce resources. One of theelements of this theory is that “all peoplewant and attempt to acquire certain things”

(Wallace 68-89). Some examples might be a house, a se-

cure job, a car, etc. One might include an in-fant, considering that infants available foradoption are a scarce resource in the US.

My adoptive mother already had mostof these resources, but she wanted a baby.Patricia, on the other hand, did not havethese basics things. There are people whobelieve that adoptions from birth mothersin the poorer countries of the world is aform of exploitation. Third World adop-tions reflect issues of power, money, status,and competition for scarce resources, thatconflict theorists explore. My adoptivemother has been told more than once thatthe only reason she was able to adopt achild from Guatemala was because of mon-ey and her status. Some people even won-der why the birth mother did not receivemoney in the process of giving up her child.Of course, this is ridiculous, because the fo-cus in this triad is the child, not the birthparents receiving money! What is some-what true is that you do have to have a lotof money in order to adopt a child. Lawyersneed to be paid, you need money to pay forall the legal papers, money is needed to liveout of the country while you wait for theadoption process to come to an end, andyou have to prove to the government thatyou have money to support a child. Myadoptive mother has also been told by thesesame Americans that adopting me was justher way of doing good for the world. She,of course gets furious, because the only rea-son she adopted me is because she had thedesire to have a child when she could notherself.

There are other perspectives that canshed light on the subject of being transra-cially adopted. Take, for example, the de-bate between

sociology of the body

and

sociobiology

on whether behavior is so-cially constructed or biologically given andwhich makes explanations of behavior ofvarious parts of the adoption triad morecomplicated.

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The postmodernist perspective canalso be relevant to my inquiry. Michel Fou-cault is a postmodernist who questionswhether or not mental illness is sociallyconstructed (Wallace and Wolf 389). Who isto decide what is an illness and what is not,and what treatments a person should un-dergo if they have an illness? Foucault be-lieves that people assume the “truth” abouteverything and we never question whetheror not we are correctly being diagnosed. Somuch power is given to scientists that peo-ple do not think they even have the right toquestion their conclusions. As a transracialadoptee I have had do deal with manyproblems as a child, a teenager, and as anadult. To help me my mother used to haveme see a psychologist who specialized inadopted children. The one time when I tookthe most information from my psychologistwas on the decision to find my birth moth-er. It was my psychologist who told me thata search would be healthy for me and thatit would help me understand my identityand be able to move on with my life. I obvi-ously did not think like Foucault, because Iassumed that the expertise and knowledgethe psychologist had would provide mewith the best answer. I did not even think toquestion whether or not her experience wasenough to say that it is a healthy thing todo—that is, to do a birth mother search. Af-ter going through the search, I do not feellike it was a healthy thing for me. Thesearch confused me even more on under-standing my identity. I have experienced somany problems; my birth family asks mefor money, my 15 year old sister got preg-nant, and my birth mother is emotionallycold. Now that I have read about Foucaultand postmodernist theory, I believe that Ishould have questioned my psychologistbefore I took her expertise. This brings meback to the expectations that I had of mybirth mother, Patricia.

In the book Tuesdays with Morrie, the so-ciologist Morrie Schwartz discusses emo-tions. He says, “If you hold back on

emotions—if you don’t allow yourself to goall the way through them—you can neverget to being detached, you’re too busy be-ing afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’reafraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vul-nerability that love entails” (Albom 104).

Morrie’s words affected me profound-ly because of the experience I went throughgetting to know my birth mother. I guessthat when I first met Patricia I had some ex-pectations of what she would be like andwhat she would have to offer me. I wantedher to be a caring, empathetic, understand-ing person. I also expected her to be openwith me about my history. For instance, Ithought that she would share stories sur-rounding my birth and adoption withouthaving to ask her. I wanted to know somany details, when I was born, who wasthere, how long did she have me in herarms, did she give me the name Rosa Mar-ia? I wanted to know about all the thingsthat had been special to me for so manyyears.

Unfortunately, Patricia did not meetmy expectations. Patricia turned out to be acold person. She was not very caring andempathetic at all. She never brought up anyof the details I so badly wanted to knowthat surrounded my birth and adoption.When I did bring up these questions, shewas very harsh and cold. For example, Iasked her about my name. At the time ofmy adoption the lawyer told my adoptedmother that my birth mother had given methe name “Rosa Maria.” For my whole life Ibelieved this. It was very special for me toknow that part of my name was given tome by the woman who gave birth to me.When I asked Patricia about the name shegave to me at my birth, she laughed andtold me that she never gave me a name, Shesaid, “It was probably a nurse that gaveyou that name.” My reaction to her was an-ger and frustration that she was not caringand empathetic about my question. Ithought that she would have been able todetect that this subject was something very

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touchy and special for me to be talkingabout. This is where I remember Morrie’swords. If Patricia had just opened up a lit-tle, emotionally, I think she would havebeen more understanding. Morrie’s wordsguided me in analyzing how cold andharsh she was. From his words I try to thinkabout her position and that maybe she wastoo afraid to show emotion or love towardsme. I should also mention that I realizedthat some of my expectations would notcome true later on in my relationship withPatricia.

One of these expectations was that Pa-tricia would be understanding about theculture I grew up in. This would be theNorth American culture. I have grown upin a country that has an abundance of tech-nology, food, clothing, luxuries, health care,and many other things. I understand thatshe lives in a Third World country wherethere is no work, no safety, little money, andwhere the gap between the rich and poor isvery wide. I also understand that she is notliving in extreme poverty. When I beganmy search for Patricia I was told by thebirth mother finding agent that there weremany social classes in Guatemala; the rich,the middle class, the poor, and extremepoor. Extreme poverty is where the peopleare living in huts made up of chunks ofmetal sheets and cardboard put together,with dirt floors and no running water. Pov-erty is where there is money to eat, and thehouse is usually made of block with a ce-ment floor. Luckily, I found my mother liv-ing in poverty rather than in extremepoverty. She has a nice block house and herfamily eats well. There is never a lack offood in their house. The problem is thatthere was a culture clash. Patricia hadgrown up with certain stereotypes aboutthe United States. She and her family be-lieve that anyone coming from the UnitedStates has a wealth of money. This was veryhard for me because that is just not so. Al-though my family is upper class that doesnot mean that I myself have access to much

cash.To help explain this misunderstanding

of culture between Patricia and me, it ishelpful to relate the situation to the moviesAffluenza and The Big One. In the movie Af-fluenza Americans are so used to the abun-dance of materials that they becomeconsumed with buying things. Americanswant to have the latest fashion, technology,cars, and other luxuries. Materialism and“things” take over our lives here in the US.My birth family started to ask me for thingsbefore I left Guatemala. They asked me forclothes, shoes, makeup, perfume, andmany other things. No matter how hard Itried to explain to them that I am a studentand that my parents support me for schooland nothing else, they would not believeme. This was frustrating for me because Ifelt that I had put myself in their shoes andtried not to be stereotypical of Guatema-lans, but they did not do the same for me. Ialso knew that I could have been ethnocen-tric toward them about the country I grewup in. I could have said that the UnitedStates is better than Guatemala and so on. Icould have also been xenophobic and act-ed disgusted by the culture my birth familywas from. But I am not like that. I was veryunderstanding instead.

In addition to the problem of asking mefor things, there was the strangeness of theway my half sisters were brought up. Mysisters Lilian and Yenci were not like thetypical Guatemalan girls I had met before.Most of the girls I knew in Guatemala wereeither pregnant, serving their husbands, orknew how to cook and clean from a veryyoung age. Patricia raised my sisters as ifthey were princesses on a throne. DespitePatricia’s low income, she still buys hergirls whatever they want including clothes,school things, and even makeup and per-fume from a local Avon dealer! This is howI discovered how much Affluenza and theideas behind The Big One have affected theentire world.

From watching soap operas where rich

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people wear the latest fashion and drive ex-pensive cars, my sisters were acting as ifthey lived in the United States. They dressup and can put on makeup but do notknow how to do things like cooking andcleaning. It is disgusting to see how capital-ism has spread so rapidly to places likeGuatemala, a Third World country. Hereare my sisters living poor under the roof oftheir mother who still works as a maid in awealthy person’s house. Yet, they act as ifthey are the latest greatest. They are soyoung but then so vulnerable. The movieAffluenza showed how materialistic chil-dren learn about acquiring things from avery young age. This is what happened tomy sisters. This happened to me as well,but I have not let capitalism take me overand mold me. In The Big One MichaelMoore portrays the reality of capitalism,which helped me see the reality of my birthfamily and their economic state. Americanswho work for corporations are getting laidoff and they are not able to make money tobuy the latest greatest things that thesecompanies are trying to sell. Here is mybirth family living at the poverty level andyet wanting to spend money on materialthings created by popular American cul-ture and capitalism. This reality of capital-ism and consumerism is sad for me to seebecause in the end I think it will end up de-stroying our cultures and making us allclones who like the same things, buy thesame things, and value ourselves based onthe amount of “stuff” we own.

Another insight that I noticed with Pa-tricia was the way I had to act around her. Igrew up in a liberal, non-religious family. Iconsider myself an open-minded personwho accepts all cultures and beliefs. Patri-cia is a very strict evangelical Christian. Shegoes to church not only on the weekendsbut also during the week. She does not evenallow her children to listen to salsa or me-rengue music because she says that it is thedevil’s music. This is difficult for me be-cause I act a certain way in front of her fam-

ily and there are certain subjects that Icannot mention. These include mainstreammusic, boyfriends, Easter (which is themost celebrated holiday in Guatemala),and any other things that are too touchy forPatricia. My birth sisters are only allowedto listen to Christian music. My behaviorwhen I am with Patricia reminds me of theconcepts, frontstage and backstage, andimpression management, that ErvingGoffman introduced along with the con-cept of dramaturgy. I feel that I have to im-press my birth mother by acting as if I am agood girl who does not commit sins—thatis, sins according to her! The frontstage is,“the part of the individual’s performancewhich regularly functions in a general andfixed fashion to define the situation forthose who observe the performance” (Wal-lace and Wolf 238). My guarded behavior isa performance for my birth mother, who isthe audience. According to Goffman par-taking in dramaturgy. That is, it is as if I aman actor performing a theatrical perfor-mance on stage (Wallace and Wolf 238). Thebackstage is “the place closed to and hid-den from the audience” (Wallace and Wolf239). In the backstage one usually acts theway one is, and that is usually how I be-have around people who share my viewsand beliefs. However, I noticed that Ichange into a completely different personwhen I am around Patricia.

After writing this paper I have realizedmany things about what I have gonethrough as a transracially adopted adult.There are so many elements that are part ofwho I am. I have a long way to go, still, tohaving a fuller understanding of my identi-ty and my self. I am very grateful for theway that my adoptive mother has raisedme. She has never kept it a secret from methat I am adopted. When I was seven shemade it possible to live for two years in mycountry of origin so I could know where Iam from. She has given me the truth. In-stead of living in a false world, like Neo didin the Matrix before waking up to it, I have

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been given the chance to live the reality ofwho I am as a transracially adopted person.However, sometimes I feel like a slave ofthe Matrix. I am a slave because there arestill many things I do not know about my-self. Finding my birth mother was some-thing that I wish I had not done, but I havelearned from my experience. For now, Ithink I must take slow steps through mylife. There are times when I wish I could justcut off my relationship with my birth fami-ly like Heidi did in Daughter from Danang,but then I feel like that is not the right thingto do. My next step is to keep trying tomake my birth family understand me. Iwant them to understand the world that Ihave grown up in and the values that Ihave.

Apart from my birth reunion, my nextstep is to continue learning about myselfand how I am different from others. Now,when people ask me personal questionsabout my origins I have learned to tell themthat that is my private business. They haveno right to walk on a territory that is verytouchy for me, and now I can actually tellthem that, without assuming they have au-thority like I once did when I was a child.As an adult, I must learn to become stron-ger on these sensitive subjects when ap-proached by strangers. I also want to helpinform adoptive parents and other transra-cial adoptees with advice from my experi-ences. I think the worst thing that adoptiveparents can do is not to let their adoptedchildren the truth about who they are. Thishas been the one gift from my adoptivemother that has helped me become who Iam today. Without this gift I would be lost.

WORKS CITED

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Contreras, Claudia. “The Tension of Opposites:Exploring Issues of Ethnicity, Class, and Gender in My Identity Formation.”Human Architecture: Journal of the Sociol-ogy of Self-Knowledge 3 (2004/5): 14.

Edles, Laura Defor, and Scott Applerouth. Socio-logical Theory In The Classical Era: Textand Readings. London: Sage PublicationsLtd., 2005.

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Margulies, Emily. “Why I Smoke: Sociology of aDeadly Habit.” Human Architecture: Journal of the Sociology of Self-Knowledge 3(2004/5): 3.

Melina, Lois Ruskai. “Latino Adoptees ShareEthnicity Issues With Other Latinos In America.” Adopted Child August. 1996: 3-4.

Melina, Lois Ruskai. “Foster Children AdoptChildren in Their Care.” Adopted ChildAugust. 1996: 2.

Wallace, Ruth A., and Alison Wolf. Contempo-rary Sociological Theory: Expanding the Classical Tradition. New Jersey: PearsonEducation, Inc., 2006.

Westeringh, Florence. “The Adolescent Experi-ence of Transracial, Transcultural Adop-tion.” Diss. Trinity Western University,2000.

Woon, Lee Kang. “Socialization of TransraciallyAdopted Korean Americans: A Self Anal-ysis.” Human Architecture: Journal of theSociology of Self-Knowledge 3 (2004/5): 80.

Films:

Affluenza. (1997). Bullfrog Films.Daughter from Danang. Dir. Gail Dolgin. Perf.

Heidi Bub. PBS DVD Video, 2003.The Big One. (1997). Miramax Home Entertain-

ment.The Matrix. (1999). Warner Brothers.Tuesdays With Morrie. (1999) American Broad-

casting Company.Twelve Angry Men. (1957). MGM.