RESOURCES FOR IELTS TAKERS

30 DAYS TO A BETTERIELTS WRITING

MIRACEL JUANTA

30 DAYS TO A BETTER IELTS WRITING

MIRACEL JUANTA

This file was generated by an automated blog to book conversionsystem. Its use is governed by the licensing terms of the original

content hosted atteachersodyssey.blogspot.com.

Powered byPothi.com

http://pothi.com

http://pothi.com

Contents

THE 10 BEST BOOKS IN IELTS EVER 1

RESOURCES FOR IELTS TAKERS 3

7 HABITS OF HIGHLY INEFFECTIVE IELTS TAKERS 4

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #1 7


























IELTS Writing Makeover #43 145

IELTS Writing Makeover #44 148







IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER # 51 168













1

THE 10 BEST BOOKS IN IELTS EVER

What are the best books for IELTS? I have summarized some of the books that I use in teaching IELTS. Amazon has great deals on both new and used IELTS books. Go now and avail of discounts. 1.Barron's IELTS with Audio CD: International English Language Testing System 2.Kaplan IELTS 2009 3.Target Band 7: How to Maximize Your Score (IELTS Academic Module) 4.Cambridge IELTS 7 Student's Book with Answers: Examination Papers from University of Cambridge ESOL Examinations (Cambridge Books for Cambridge Exams) 5.Cambridge IELTS 6 Student's Book with answers: Examination papers from University of Cambridge ESOL Examinations (Cambridge Books for Cambridge Exams) 6.Common Mistakes at IELTS Advanced: And How to Avoid Them 7.Cambridge Grammar for IELTS Student's Book with Answers and Audio CD (Cambridge Grammar for First Certificate, IELTS, PET) 8.Check Your English Vocabulary for IELTS: All you need to pass your exams (Vocabulary Workbook)

http://www.amazon.com/

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0764179357?ie=UTF8&tag=teacsodys-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0764179357


http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/142779961X?ie=UTF8&tag=teacsodys-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=142779961X














2

9.Cambridge Vocabulary for IELTS with answers and Audio CD(Cambridge Vocabulary for Exams) 10.New Insight into IELTS Student's Book with Answers Surf Amazon now and get your target IELTS band score! :) If youhave other recommendations, feel free to post your comments.




3

RESOURCES FOR IELTS TAKERS

If you are planning to take the IELTS and looking for moreinformation about IELTS, here are some posts that I have writtenabout it.

1. Best Books for IELTS- a summary of effective books in IELTS that can be used in testingand teaching2. TOEFL or IELTS- a comparison of IELTS and TOEFL, guides the test taker on whattest to take3. 7 Deadly Sins in Speaking- highlights the common mistakes people make in the IELTSSpeaking test

4

7 HABITS OF HIGHLY INEFFECTIVE IELTS TAKERS

Why do people fail the IELTS? There are tell-tale signs that they will fail the IELTS. However, these mistakes can be avoided so that they will achieve their target IELTS band score. 1. Not having a study plan Some people can get really complacent about the IELTS. It’s not just about luck. You gotta have a plan. IELTS is all about discipline. It takes consistent practice to reach a high band score. Even if you’re too busy, you should map out your strategy. Devote at least one hour a day to study. 2. Not following directions IELTS takers fail the IELTS not because they’re incompetent. They think all directions are the same and so they go right in to answer the questions. Not! The golden rule in IELTS is: Follow All Directions. The most common error that they make is in the Yes/No/Not Given type. They answer True/False instead. Another usual mistake is they answer the complete word when only a letter is necessary. So, don’t forget to read the instructions at all times. 3. Lack of time management In the IELTS, time is your greatest enemy. A lot of IELTS candidates are unable to finish the four modules. Task completion is essential to getting a high band score. That is why it’s important to budget your time well. Quick thinking is a skill that you should develop. You have to listen, read, write and speak fast. 4. Panicking

http://www.ielts.org/

5

This happens a lot to IELTS takers especially in the Speaking component. When they’re stumped with a difficult question, their mind goes blank (crickets chirping). What to do? Good preparation is the key. When you’re prepared, you focus more easily. Have a bag of tricks where you can pull out any expression for every question. 5. Not reading No input, no output. Like food, you gotta feed your mind. In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, one habit that is essential is sharpening the saw. In the same way, you have to sharpen the saw in IELTS through reading magazines, newspapers and journals. Read Time, Newsweek and Reader’s Digest because these are the kinds of material you will encounter in the reading text. Read the editorial section of newspapers like Inquirer and Star which will improve your argumentation skills that you can use in writing and speaking. 6. Committing the same blunders again and again It’s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. Constant practice is useless if you keep on repeating the same errors. This is extremely crucial in writing like spelling and grammar errors. The most common mistakes that people make are the subject-verb agreement, tense consistency and prepositions. Analyze your mistakes and review them. 7. Thinking negative thoughts If you think you will fail the IELTS, then you will fail the exam. Worrying about the test will get you nowhere. The IELTS exam is

6

not that difficult if you know how to approach it. So be confident andalways think positively. If you have other questions about the IELTS, feel free to makecomments or email me. If you want more tips about English, pleasesubscribe via email. ■

7

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #1

Last week, I launched the IELTS Writing Makeover Series. Here'sthe first essay from Yaoq that I did a makeover.

Some people believe that visitors to other countries shouldfollow local customs and behavior. Others disagree and thinkthat the host country should welcome cultural differences.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Tourism is welcomed in most of the countries. It brings not only thebenefit to the country's economic, but also the culture exchanging.

Admittedly, culture differences are still widely spread though ourlifes. Some of the differences reside deeply because of historical,regional, and climate reasons, which could still reflect the wisdomfrom our ancestors. These can not be vannished and have to berespected and protected.

For the visitors, to experience these differences could also be one of the attractions for their journey. Some westen visitors could always learn a few Chinese greeting words like "Nihao" after their travel from China. Then when they have a chance to meet their Chinese friends or bussiness partaners in their countries, using these words would definately show a warm welcome, and could help instantly remove the distance from each other. On the other hand, some places are even characterized by its strong and indigous local customs which may have hundreds of year’s history. To follow these customs may even help to expand the understanding of this country and bring new idears to our present

8

life, the examples here are not scarce, taking a glance at fashion,you may find some exotic elements across different cultures.

Overall, every country has its own culture, when visitors find out the culture differences, try and feel it. This might inspire the creativity for their own lives, and the happiness from this might be worthy of memorizing for ever. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to cite good reasons and specific examples about the Chinese culture. The main points have substantial supporting details. The introduction should be made longer. Your word count is 242 which is short of the 250 word limit. COHESION AND COHERENCE It’s good that you have an introduction and conclusion. You also have made effective use of transition words such as on the other hand and overall. Improve your introduction by having a minimum of three sentences. Your introduction should include a thesis statement which gives your point of view. Your paragraph structure needs improvement. They should be equal in length. Some paragraphs are long and the fourth paragraph has two main points which you can discuss in a new paragraph. You can further improve your organization by using the famous 5-paragraph essay. Have two main points discussing the advantages and one point discussing the disadvantage.

9

LEXICAL RESOURCE You have a good variety of words but there were some words thatwere used inappropriately. Economic should be economy. Cultureexchanging should be replaced with cultural exchange. Thoughshould be changed to through. Vanished should be replaced withtaken away. Memorizing is more appropriate with lessons. Thebetter term is remembering. The phase “try and feel it” should beparallel and be changed to “they should try and feel it”. GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY There are a lot of misspelled words such as lifes, vannished,bussiness, partaners, definately, idears, indigous, year’s, westen,for ever. Make sure you proofread your work. You can use the AutoCorrect function of MS Word. There are minimal grammar errorsand you were able to use the correct tense and subject-verbagreement.

-----

Do you want to join the next makeover? Read more about theIELTS Writing Makeover.

http://teachersodyssey.blogspot.com/2009/06/increase-your-score-with-ielts-writing.html

10


I got another essay for the IELTS Writing Makeover from mymailbox. This was submitted by Bahar from Turkey and here is herTask 2 essay:

Studying the English language in an English-speaking country is thebest but not the only one way to learn the language.

Learning a foreign language is a good qualification for people intoday's world. Knowing a foreign language has always been adistinguishing feature either at school or at work. Because it is themost widespread spoken language through the world, English is themost demanded language in today's world. Every people have theirown ways to learn English. Some of them start learning it at school,some of them try to learn it by taking tutorials, some of them go toEnglish courses while some prefer to learn it in an English-speakingcountry. No matter what the learning method is, I completely agreewith the idea that studying English in an English speaking country isthe best but not the only way to learn the language.

First of all, in order for us to learn English, we have to learn the grammer first. Schools or courses always teach grammer first. In order to speak English, grammer should be learned to some extent. Like any other subject, of course, a teacher can teach a subject to some extent. The rest depends on the student's own efforts, studiousness and enthusiasm in learning English. After having a grammer background, the learner may build up his/her vocabulary skills by reading books, papers and magazines in English. Similarly,

11

listening the news in English or watching movies in English willhighly likely improve one's listening skills considerably. I rememberfrom my own experiences that I improved my reading and listeningskills by reading and listening in English.

The best way to learn English has always been to learn it in anEnglish-speaking country. The reason is that when an Englishlearner goes to an English-speaking country, he/she will be exposedto English converstaions every time. This exposure will surelyresulted in improving English skills especially listening and speakingskills significantly. Another advantage of learning English in anEnglish-speaking country is that the learner can practise a lot in ashorter time. To give an example, I learned English in my homecountry, Turkey. I managed to learn it in a long time. However, mybest friend preferred to learn English in England. Both of us knowEnglish now, however, she learned it more quickly and correctlythan me.

Eventually, there are many ways to learn English but the best way isto learn it in an English-speaking country.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

12

You were able to give good arguments about studying the Englishlanguage. You were able to elaborate with concrete examples. Yourtotal word count is 392 words. Now that's a very big number. Theideal number is from 250-265. If you write too much, you maycommit more mistakes and you might run out of time. You shouldspend a maximum of 40 minutes for this task.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

You used a couple of transition words such as first of all, similarly,however, etc. The introduction was done very well but theconclusion should be made longer with at least 3 sentencessummarizing the main points of the essay. Improve the organizationof your essay with the 5-paragraph essay format: Introduction,Advantage 1, Advantage 2, Advantage 3, Conclusion.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have made some good word choices but there are some wordsthat are off. Demanded should be in demand. Change the phrase"every people have their own ways" to "every person has his/herown ways". Studiousness sounds awkward. I think you meanconscientiousness. There were too many adverbs in the phrase"highly likely improve one's listening skills considerably." Eventuallyshould be replaced with other transitions words such as "to sum up,in conclusion, to conclude."

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

13

There were minimal grammar errors noted. Revise the followingmisspelled words: grammer and conversations. Remove the "ed" inthe phrase "will surely resulted". In the expression "she learned itmore quickly and correctly than me", it should be "than I".

If you want your essay to be the next project, check out the detailsof the IELTS Writing Makeover.

Tags: IELTS, writing


http://technorati.com/tag/IELTS

http://technorati.com/tag/writing

14


The next IELTS Writing Makeover is from Elif. Here's the rest ofhis essay.

TOPIC: Successful sports professionals can earn a great dealmore money than people in other important professions. Somepeople think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

In the last two decades, some sports professionals have beengranted lots of Money because of their unique talents. However,some people think high amount of Money should be given theseprofessionals due to wonderful impacts in the world, others believeit is not necessary to give a great deal money for just kicking theball.

As well as I mentioned above, sports market has a great impact onpeople from all over the world. For instance, football, according toAmericans it means socker is been watching by lots of people.There is a big commercial market, that's why it is so common thatprofessionals earn good Money. They can sell t-shirts and sometools about the team. Furthermore; it is a speacial talent whicheveryone can not be born with. Especially, Brazilian footballers aremore popular than others. Eventually, lots of young people leadthese famous professionals and try tol ive as them. Even if thereason is being popular, it is a good exercise for their health.

15

On the contrary, many people do not want them to get a highamount of Money. Fistly, not only sports are precious in daily life,but alos science has a high value. We need inventions which cureour illness' or simply our life. Therefore, it is obviously seen thatscientists have to be supported more than sports professionals.Secondly, they make people lazy. This system provides theimportance of money and popularism, and also shows people howthey can make Money easily. But the world is not simple as theydisplay us. Lastly, I deeply beleive people need inventions morethan sports and sports programmes. Governments do not allowpublic to think deeply about politics and our entire life problems,such as crime, economics. ■t is not fair to give a lot of Money forjust some special sports in case they bring high advertisementrevenue.

In conclusion, ther might be different opinions. But the importantthing is at least giving the same value for other extremely importantprofessionals like doctors, scientists and academicians because ofthe role in our future.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a balanced perspective of the different views about sports professionals. The body contains concrete examples. The

16

introduction could be improved by placing the word "however"between the two clauses.


A number of transition words were found to show relationshipsbetween sentences and paragraphs. They are utilized effectively toshow sequence, opposing views and summary of main points.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied, however, there are some words that need tobe modified. Drop "as well" in the phrase "as well as I mentionedabove". "lead" should be replaced with "follow". "popularism" shouldbe changed to "popularity".


Your tenses are consistent and correct subject-verb agreement wasused. There are a couple of spelling errors: socker, speacial, tol live,fistly, alos, beleive, ther. It's unnecessary to capitalize money."sports" takes a singular verb. Add an article "the" before the word"public". Remove the apostrophe in "illness".

17

--------

Do you want to take the IELTS Writing Challenge? Find out moreabout the IELTS Writing Makeover here.





18


Today's IELTS Writing Makeover is from Mohamed. His essayis about retirement for old people. Read the following essayand my makeover.

TOPIC:

WHEN SHOULD PEOPLE BE MADE TO RETIRE? 55? 65?SHOULD THERE BE A COMPULSORY AGE LIMIT?

Many countries, companies, and corporations have assigned acertain age for its people or employees to retire. However, manypeople may argue that older people are more likely to have moreexperience than those who are young. Since experience can beconsidered as a valuable asset in various working fields, suchpeople should not be forced to quit their jobs. This may bring up thequestion whether there should or should not be a certain age forretirement.

Firstly, many corporations believes that it is better for them to havesomeone who is old but has multiple years experience to run theirbuisness. However, this cannot be applied to many working fields.Although such senile people may have more experience than otherworkers, yet they cannot produce as much effort as a youngeremployee. Nevertheless, it is scientifically believed that the humanbrain loses a fair percentage of its efficancy at a certain age. Thismay cause older people to have less concentration and thereforless job output.

19

Secondly, hiring an old person to do a certain job for a long periodof time can be unfair to young people who have potential ofbecoming even better in performing the same job using all thetechnological advances we are witnessing nowadays. Seniorcitizens may face more difficulties applying such technologicalbreakthroughs to work than younger ones, since they are morelikely to perform their work in a bit of a traditional way.

Another good point about having a certain age for retirement, is thatolder people who have been working for most of their lives deserveto get some rest at some point. In other words, it would be veryunfair for a working man or a woman to waste all their life working ina non-stop pattern. their should be a time where they are allowed torest. This is why many people nowadays are looking forward toretire, especially with the hectic life style we all are living now.

All in all, I think that it is better to have a defined age for old peopleto stop working. This way they get a chance to rest, and enjoy apeaceful life, and also give the way for new blood to get theiropportunity to prove their true capabilities.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to introduce the topic well and you also summarizedyour essay. You gave substantial arguments why old people shouldstop working. You used concrete examples to illustrate your points.

20


You have a good number of transition words such as firstly,secondly, however, nevertheless, etc. Paragraphs are wellorganized.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a good mix of English words. Synonyms were used toavoid redundant words.


There are some misspelled words: buisness, efficancy, therefor,their. Make the verb singular in the phrase "many corporationsbelieves". Drop the comma after the word "retirement" in the fourthparagraph.

-----------------

Did you like this makeover? Do you have problems with writing? Getan IELTS Writing Makeover here.





21


I received an e-mail from Ramesh. Here's his letter:

Dear Madam

I am a candidate who is going to take up IELTS in October. I hadcome across your website and really appreciate your service you dofor people like me. I have sent a letter (see below), could you pleasemake your comments for it. Thanks in advance.

yours sincerely

Ramesh

QUESTION: YOU HAVE RECENTLY MOVED INTO A NEW FLAT.UNFORTUNATELY, YOU LOST SOME MONEY THE OTHERDAY, AND CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY NEXT MONTH'S RENTWHEN IT IS DUE.

WRITE A LETTER TO THE LANDLORD EXPLAINING THESITUATION AND THAT YOU WILL PAY AS SOON AS YOURPARENTS SEND YOU THE MONEY. ALSO, MENTION THATTHERE ARE SOME PROBLEMS WITH THE FLAT.

I am your new tenant who recently moved into your "7M Atlantic Gardens" flat. Please do not misunderstand me for the message I


22

am going to give in this letter. I missed my last month's salaryduring a bus travel. My pocket was picked in the crowd, hence I amsorry to say that I will not be able to pay you the next month's renttimely.

I therefore request you to excuse me for this inconvenience. Since Iam out of money even for my own expenses, I had asked myparents to send some money. When I receive the money, my firstpreference would be to pay your rent.

One more information I would like to add is about two problems inthe flat. The air condition unit is not functioning properly. Although itis working , chillness is not been enjoyed out of that. Secondly a tapin the bathroom needs replacement. The handle of it is very rusty, itmight hurt me anytime. Rest everything is fine in the flat and I amactually enjoying my stay.

I hope you understand my current financial position and excuse meto pay the rent a bit delayed and also hope that you will look into therepair works in the flat. Thanking you in Advance.

yours sincerely

Ramesh

23

---------------

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving the purpose of yourletter. You have explained the situation and the action that youintend to do. You gave the problems with flat. You were able to writemore than 150 words.


Add more transition words to link your paragraphs. Improve theorganization of your letter. In the first paragraph should be yourpurpose for the letter. The second paragraph should describe thesituation and supporting details. The third paragraph should be theproblems with the flat. The last paragraph should have the plan ofaction on your part as well as the landlord.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some awkward sentences that need to be changed. Instead of saying "my pocket was picked", use "my wallet was

24

stolen". Say "my rent" instead of "your rent". The first sentence inthe second paragraph is too wordy. Simplify by stating "I'm sorry forthe inconvenience." Replace "one more" with "another". Change"chillness is being enjoyed out of that" to "it isn't cold enough."Replace "excuse me to pay the rent a bit delayed" with "bear withme for the delay in the rent".


Delete the second sentence because it is unnecessary. Use thepresent perfect instead of past perfect in "had asked". Change"timely" to time. Put a comma after "secondly". Remove the "-ing" inthanking. Don't capitalize "advance". Capitalize Yours Sincerely.

If you want to know how to get an IELTS writing makeover, check itout here.





25


Today's IELTS makeover is from Nino. He wrote an essay onTask 1 of the Academic Module.

QUESTION:

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. Write a report for a

university lecturer describing the information in the graph below.You

should write at least 150 words.

The diagram describes process of gathering weather information fro the Australian Bureau of Meteorology, which has after to deliver up-to-date weather forecast via TV, Radio or recorded announcement. The main sources for incoming information are satellite, radar and drifting buoy. After receiving certain data by means of above mentioned technologies Meteorology bureau has to make analysis and produce forecasting. In order to held analysis and forecasting process meteorologists have to make use of satellite photo images. Also they are making observations over radar screen and synoptic chart. As soon as any changes are reflected on those photos, screen and charts changes

26

have to be done into the information that should be produced. Before the information is delivered to the society the Bureau has torefine all the data via computer programme. The computer has therole of an information manager, as it is final source of all collectedmaterials. Via computer reliable forecast is received by television and radiostations as well as it could be broadcast as recordedannouncement.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a 150-word essay. You were able to describespecific details of the weather gathering process.


Since you are describing a process, you should use transition wordssuch as then, next, first, second, lastly, etc. Five paragraphs is toolong for this task. Use 3-4 paragraphs with the last paragraphsummarizing and restating the description of the graph that includesthe variables.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

27

Vocabulary is quite varied and concrete words were appropriatelyused.


Insert an article "the" between "describes" and "process". Remove"after" in the phrase "which has after to deliver". There were somemisspelled words such as "fro" and programme. "To held" should be"to hold". Place a comma after "society". Insert a comma after"above mentioned technologies", "forecasting process", "also" and"via computer".

Do you need more information about the IELTS Writing Makeover?Find it here.


28


Another Task 1 essay came from Hanane who is taking the IELTSon July 23.

The map below is of the town of Garlsdon. A new supermarket(S) is planned for the town. The map shows two possible sitesfor the supermarket.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the mainfeatures, and make comparisons where relevant.

You should write at least 150 words.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examplesfrom your own knowledge or experience.

The map shows the town of Garlsdon, its countryside and thepossible sites for opening a new supermarket.

The first possible location is S1 witch is located outside the countybut relied to it by a railway ,so it would be easy to shoppers fromGlarlsdon centre to access it .there is also a relevant main roadsand the site is 12km faraway from Hindson ,so shoppers couldcome from Hindson too.

the main advantage of this location is that is situated countyside so car parking is availeble.


29

In contrast, the second possible site is making the supermarket inthe town centre S2,just in the middle of the main industry and closeto housing , this is the ideal location for Glarlsdon population andthere is also main roads and raiway linking the site to Cransdon andBransdon wich are 25 km and 16 km faraway respectively.

The advantage of this location is that it target almost 45.000population . However, the main desadvantage is that it would bedifficult to parck cars.

To sum up , both sites has advantages and desadvantages , but S1would most probably suit better customers from Garlsdon , Hindsonand Cransdon.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

The essay is more than 150 words. You were able to compare thetwo sites and give the advantages and disadvantages of each.

30


You used a variety of transition words to show relationshipsbetween paragraphs such as "in contrast", "however" and "to sumup". Improve your organization by reducing the number ofparagraphs to four (Introduction, Location 1, Location 2,Conclusion). Paragraphs should be balanced.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is moderately varied but there were some words thatwere used inappropriately such as "relied" and "relevant".


You have several grammar problems. Try to use spellcheck when writing your essay. There are many misspelled words such as: Glarlsdon, raiway, desadvantages, parck, wich, witch, countyside, available, county, etc. Review your subject-verb agreement. Errors in agreement include: "both sides has", "there is also main roads", "it target". Capitalize all beginnings of the sentence. Insert "it" between "that" and "is situated". Reverse the position of "better" and "customers". "Easy to shoppers" should be "easy for shoppers". Drop the article "a" and "relevant" in the phrase "there is also a relevant main road". Insert a comma before "too". Your grammar

31

foundation is weak so I suggest that you get a grammar refreshercourse.

--------------

Need help with your IELTS writing? Find more details here.





32


The next essay is from Andrea. She writes about childrenlearning other foreign languages.

SCHOOL CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE FORCED TO LEARNOTHER FOREIGN LANGUAGES AS THEIR ABILITY DIFFERSDO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

Nowadays, because of technology and media development, theboundaries in the world are disappearing. Every day most and mostpeople can visit or work overseas. Getting it is easier if you handleanother language besides your native language.

This is the main reason because in this time is almost mandatory tolearn two or more language in order to improve your skills in aglobalized world. Hence parents should encourage their children tolearn more than one language since they are at school. Learningdifferent tongues is easier when you are a child than when you arean adult person because the brain gets things faster. That´s why isimportant that parents do not be afraid because forcing theirchildren to learn a different language.

The last decade the growing of internet and another media is amazing and our sons are more and more interested about that. We can focus this fact like an excuse to learn English. If your children don't like foreign languages and are not interested about them, you

33

can show to your children languages like a tool for improving theuse of internet. They can understand more things if they handlemore language, they can know and speak with kids from overseasand getting more information maybe about their favorite band whichis from another country.

Sumarizing, to learn foreign languages helps children to have abetter future and opportunities. Every day to get a good employmentis harder and learning differents languages from the native improvesour skills, our possibilities and our knowledge. So teach yourchildren to love languages and support them to learn as soon aspossible.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

Your essay is more than 250 words. You were able to explain yourreasons why learning foreign languages is good for the children.You gave concrete examples to support your arguments.


34

Have at least five paragraphs: Introduction, Reason 1, Reason 2,Reason 3 and Conclusion. Improve cohesion by adding moretransition words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Change "most and most people" to "more and more people". Avoidwordiness by simplifying sentence 1 of paragraph 1. "Handle"should be "speak". "Growing" should be "growth of the internet andother media".


Correct the following misspelled words: sumarizing, differents. Inserta comma after "hence". Insert "it" between "why" and "is important".Replace the last sentence of paragraph 2 to "That's why parentsshould not be afraid to make their children learn foreign languages."

Want to know more about the IELTS Writing Makeover? Find ithere.





35


Here's the latest IELTS writing makeover from Nguyen of Thailand.The essay is about the advantages and disadvantages of universitydegrees.

TASK: Some people believe that a country can benefit a lot frompeople who have university degrees, while others say that anincreasing number of university graduates only create moreunemployed people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Each year, there is a considerable number of university graduatesall over the world. Some people suppose that a country can get agreat deal of profits from these people, whereas others argue thatthis increase only makes the unemployment more serious. Thisessay will discuss those opinions in detail.

My first point is that there are many advantages a country canobtain from university-degree people. In developing or undevelopedcountries, there is a large number of careers and researches whichrequire high quality and education employees such asmicro-electronic industry, fuel engineering and chemistry etc. Theincrease of university graduates not only help with improving theproduction and the quality of services, but also reduce government'sfund for recruiting skilled foreign employees.

On the other hand, not all university graduates are employed so that the unemployment increases. This is true all over the world. The main cause of that problem is some careers are more popular than

36

the others. So the number of people studying them are larger. Aftergraduating, they can not find jobs which are suitable and becomeunemployed. Another reason is that the educational quality of theuniversities are not the same and only the best people are chosento work for the companies.

In conclusion, the increasing number of university graduates bothbring the benefits and disadvantages. In my opinion, universityeducation should be encouraged and improved in order to developthe country. Moreover, the government should have some policiesof creating more jobs and giving supports to people who are higheducation.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a 250-word essay. You gave a goodintroduction and conclusion. You were able to give arguments forboth sides of the topic.


The paragraphs are cohesive and you used a number of transitionwords such as "on the other hand", "in conclusion". The paragraphstructure could be improved by adding one more argument to makeit five paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

37

You used a variety of language and the words were usedappropriately.


I didn't notice any grammar errors nor spelling mistakes. You have avery good grasp of grammar. Overall, this is a well-written essay.

-----------

Do you want to know how to get an IELTS Writing Makeover? Findout more here.


38


The following essay came from Sophia. She writes aboutuniversities accepting equal number of men and women.

Writing task – 2

Universities should accept equal number of male and femalestudents in every subject.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Education has become inevitable for everyone.As we know thatuniversity takes a key role to impart education to everyindividual.Some people argue that universities also haveresponsibility to educate equal numbers of male and femalestudents in every subjects.So, this essay will deal about the prosand cons of this issue and to predict about it's neceesity.

Firstly, it is a wise decision if higher education supports forthegrowth of intellectual capacity of both the sexes by providingequal oppurtunities in various fielda.For instance, in the pastfemales were not seated in the higher positions for they wereoverlooked by the men since they had very little exposure to tackledifficult situations.So.from this point of view,it would rather be abetter suggestion if the students of both sexesn were given equalchances to study every subject.

On the other hand,choices about the subjects should not be madecompulsory as the students are likely to get failures due to lack ofinterest.It is futile if something taught is not well appreciated by thestudents.

39

In addition, university education has a great impact on the student'scareer in the future.For instance,males would be pertinent for somekind of jobs where physical exertion is considered to be more.Unlikefemale students,male group can give a better outcome in theirperformance in a company.So,choocing athe right subject in thebeginning would certainly avoid a great mess from happening in thefuture.

Another delicate issue would be that in some antiquated countrieslike India,the female gender may ignore the conduction of labor by amale physiciandue to cultural reasons.Therefore it is preferable for afemale student to specialize in this field.

To sum up,there are no sufficient evidences to appreciate the notionof the university to educate the male and female students equally inevery subject and this would rather lead us to face variouschallenges due to it's consequences in the society.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give a balanced view on the advantages anddisadvantages of having equal opportunities for men and women.You gave supporting details which elaborate your main points. Yougave a good introduction and conclusion.

40


The paragraph structure is clear with the use of appropriatetransition words such as "on the other hand", "to sum up", "inaddition". However, reduce the number of paragraphs from six tofive.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite varied but there are some wrong word choicessuch as "conduction".


Correct the following misspelled words: neceesity, oppurtunities,fielda, choocing, sexesn. Insert a space between "physician" and"due", "the" and "growth". Use singular nouns when you use theword "every". "It's necessity" should be "its necessity" and "it'sconsequences" should be "its consequences."

------------------

Be the next IELTS Writing Makeover! Find the details here.





41


Today's IELTS essay is from Ellen Joyce and she wrote herthoughts about studying alone and group studying.

"Compare studying alone from group studying"

Education is an essential element to learn conceptual theories forthe person's emotional, intellectual and even spiritual awarenessand development. However, education itself is a complex processwherein a student encounters great struggles and difficulties in itscourse. So to be able to cope with the demand of education, somestudent opt to study alone and some prefer group study.

Studying alone denotes that one has the privilege of serenity andexclusiveness of one's self and the knowledge one is about toacquire. The student can concentrate on his personal weakness. Inthat way he can spend his time studying lessons which he hasdifficulty with. On the other hand, the disadvantage of this option isthat, if one finds something really tough, he himself are the only onewho have to figure it out. Help from others are not readily availableall the time. Another thing is that there would be no confirmation ifone really understands the lesson correctly in the way that itsupposed to be.

42

Meanwhile, another method of studying is through group study. Onthis process one can share vital information with the other membersof the group and consequently, one can learn something from theother members. They can either agree or disagree with oneanother, thus their theories and ideas are being either strengthen orcorrected. However, group study also shares some downside. Firstis that one might spend a lot of time on the area which is not reallyrelevant to their study thus ignoring the area of difficulty that needsto be sharpen. It is also time consuming especially if it's with a largegroup wherein everyone is giving opinion and contradicting oneanother.

Some students however, take advantage on both methods. Theystudy alone first to equip them something with knowledge whichthey can share with the group and also endow them with questionsthat the group might answer. Some claims that they can use theother way around. Group study first to have an immediate access toall the knowledge one needs to know, afterwards one can study byhimself to review the entire topic that has been discussed on thegroup study.

Whatever method of study one choose, it still more important thatone utilizes his time effectively and that he is earning incredibly.Therefore, student should find which method of study suits thembest for their intellectual progress.

43

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You wrote a good essay that is more than 250 words. You wereable to provide strong arguments for each point of view. You gave agood introduction and conclusion.


The paragraph is well-organized and the structure can be clearlyseen. Ideas are logically arranged. There are a number of transitionwords but add a transition word at the beginning of your concludingparagraph to signal that you are summarizing.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a good range of vocabulary. Just simplify some phraseslike "to be able to cope with".


44

There are a number of grammar errors in your essay particularly onthe subject-verb agreement. Revise the following errors: "he himselfare", "help from others are", "some claims", "one who have".Observe also parallelism in your pronouns like "he" for "himself" and"one" for "oneself". Supply helping verbs to the following phrases: "itstill more important" and "it supposed to be". Add "s" to the followingphrases: "some student opt" and "student should find". Don't usecontractions such as "it's" because it will lessen your word count.

-------------

If you want help in your writing, please read the details about theIELTS Writing Makeover here.





45


The following IELTS essay is from Otabek of Turkey. The essaydiscusses about whether rich countries should provide help topoor countries.

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealthamong poorer nations by providing such things as food andeducation? Or is it the responsibility of the governments ofpoorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Human beings are divided and socialized under different nations.There are rich countries, and there are poorer ones. As manypeople think that wealthy nations should not give a hand to poorernations, others consider sharing food and education as a positiveaction.

Wealth of the nation is a result of hard working citizens and thisgained wealth should be spend for more prosperous life of thesepeople. It is considered that sharing this hard gained wealth withpoorer nations will make these nations got used to it and not takingany step towards making its own wealth.

On the other hand, every single person on this planet has right tolive and get education. All people should be treated equally andhelping poor nations to obtain their basic rights is a good deed.

Besides, by providing poor countries nutritional aid, by sending educational specialists or by educating selected representatives of poor countries, wealthy nations help them to develop faster and to

46

be able to obtain their own wealth.

The last but not the least, wealthy nations get positive image oninternational arena when they show good will on giving hand tothose nations which lack wealth. This act is always warmlywelcomed by global community.

To sum up all the above sated, it is always good to share withpoorer nations, especially on the issues like food and education.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

This essay has only 230 words. Add at least 2-3 supporting detailsfor each main idea. You need to give stronger arguments andconcrete examples why the rich countries should help the poorones. You can zero in on a particular developing country so thatyour essay will have a singular focus.


You used a variety of transition words to contrast ideas and to sumup points such as "besides", "to sum up", "on the other hand". Drop"the" from "The last but not least." Stick to the 5-paragraph essayformat and avoid one sentence paragraphs.

47

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You need to use more modifying words and stronger language tobeef up your word count.


Change "sated" to "stated". Observe parallelism in your tenses.Revise "get" to present in the phrase "nations got used" and dropthe "ing" in "not taking".

---------

Do you want me to help you? I would appreciate hearing from you.Get more details about the IELTS Makeover here.





48


Our featured essay today comes from Dilshod. The essayargues against the excessive spending of people for their pets.

Pets have been our family members and serving the humanity formany centuries. As a matter of fact, they are among our greatestachievements. Nevertheless, is it justified to overspend withoverwhelming amounts of money for their care, when there aremillions of people starving in every corner of the world? I believe itisn't.

Pets serve the society in so many ways that it is hard to imagine ourlives without them. From our very youth we own dogs, cats, fishtanks, which protect us, play with us, please us and are just ourfriends. We learn to be responsible by feeding them on time andtaking them to veterinarian.

However, lately lots of people are spending excessive amounts ofmoney on luxurious pet clothing, food and cosmetics. It is hard notto be astonished with pet products that are two or threefold moreexpensive than that of people. While it is reasonable that peoplewant their pets be healthy and fit, it is still quite irrational to buythem food with meat from other rare and expensive animals, likesalmon, trout or buffalo. It is also hard to believe that pets wouldappreciate clothing from very fine materials and jewelry.

The other example is many pet competitions and fashion shows where pets are treated like kings. Nowadays many countries have

49

organizations, which fight for animal rights and over exaggerate thereal situation in society. This leads to situations, when animal rightsare put higher than that of people. While there are millions of peoplestarving around the globe, children dying of hunger and thirst, it isutterly shocking that people spend more and more resources fortheir pets.

To sum up, although pets are inarguably useful for us and help uslearn some positive qualities at early ages, it does not justify themoney we spend and all of food resources we use for them while onthe other side of the world humans need this money more than ourpets do.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to produce a well-written essay that has strongarguments against the excessive spending on pets. The examplesused are well-thought of and your ideas have been clearly conveyedto the reader.


The essay made use of appropriate cohesive devices that illustrateadditional points and summary of the main ideas of the paragraph.The paragraph structure is logically organized.

50

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a good grasp of the English language. You have madeuse of a wide variety of concrete words.


Your grammar is spotless. Your tenses are consistent and yourverbs agree with the subject. Overall, this is a nicely written essay.

-------------

Do you want to have a free assessment of your writing? Join theIELTS Writing Makeover challenge. Get more details here.


51


Our next IELTS essay came from Swara. It talks about theresponsibility of the university.

Some people believe that universities are responsible for preparation of young people for employment .Others believe universities have other responsibilities. What do you think about the responsibility of the university? Education is the most important part of todays life.Young people get education from universities and they also help to make responsible citizen to our society.In addition,universities helps students to fulfill their dreams by getting a better job and helps to achieve success in the life.Some people believe that universities are responsible for preparation of young people for employment where as many people believe that universities have other responsibilities.Both points of view will be discussed in this order. From one side,it is believed by some people that universities should take responsibilities to prepare students for employment because universities are not only the place but are the best palces where students can get good exposure and many guidelines for employment.Moreover,professors and tutors in universities who have got knowledge ,skill and experience in working field can guide students for employment.Furthemore, universities will be having good contacts and communication with industries and companys.Hence,universities can prepare their students for employment depending on the requirement of particular company or


52

industry. On the otherhand,many argue that preparing young people foremployment is not universities responsibility because they havemany other responsibilities such as providing best education andfacilities to their students like well equipped laborateries,goodlibrary,sports facilities and accomodation. Besides,universities haveto provide best professors to their students who have aknowledge,skill and experience.In addition,universities have theresponsibilities to maintain their standard of education all thetime.Therfore,universities not able to take responsibilities forpreparation of young people for employment. To sum up, the responsibility of universities is to provide goodeducation by giving best facilities to their students.In otherwords,universities are responsible for preparation of young peoplefor employment. Although,they have other responsibilities,but themost important responsibility is to help their students to build bettercareer in their life.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write an essay with 292 words. Although I suggest that you keep it between 250-265 because if you write too much, you may run out of time and you may commit a lot of errors. You were able to give a balanced view of the responsibilities of the

53

university. You gave specific examples to prove your main points.You gave a good introduction and conclusion of the topic.


You have made used of good transition words such as: moreover,on the other hand, to sum up, although. Although, the paragraphstructure is clear, I suggest that you use a 5-paragraph essayformat for a more balanced approach.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

The words used were quite varied and appropriate but the word"responsibility" is redundant. Use other synonyms forresponsibilities.


There are a number of misspelled words: palces, laborateries,accommodation. Put an apostrophe in "todays". Correct thesubject-verb agreement errors: "universities helps". Drop "got" from"have got knowledge".

For more information about the IELTS Writing Makeover, you cancheck out the details here.


54


The following IELTS essay was written by Eduardo. He writes about his views on financial education. Task: Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Answer: School program has changed and evolved for years; but there is a component that has been in discussion for a long time; It is Financial Education. Some people believe it is not necessary; however some other think it is vital to the process of child development. Including a new component in school curriculum is not an easy task since it is complicated to remove any of those classes that have been added for years and this would make an even bigger curriculum; financial education is not the exception. It is said that its content would be too deep to be understood by children. Not only that but you need to understand mathematics in order to apply financial concepts. However, due to the high levels of consumption the world is suffering these days; and the aggressiveness of advertisement that media; especially television and internet have been applying for years; it is important to teach our children how money should be

55

spent, getting them to know what is really important to be purchased, not only what they see on advertisement. In addition, because of the global economic recession; it’s also important to encourage not only adults, but children to build a saving mentality; explaining them that saving money is important for securing a better future. In conclusion – for all said, I agree that financial education should be included in the school program in order to help the reduction of this consumerist mentality people is having these days. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give a balanced view of financial education. You gave good reasons with supporting details. However, your word count is below 250. Improve on your conclusion because it’s too brief. COHESION AND COHERENCE The essay is quite organized and you have made use of proper transition words. Simplify the third paragraph by chopping it into 3-4 sentences. LEXICAL RESOURCE You have a wide range of vocabulary. You have made appropriate word choices.

56

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY There are not much grammar errors except for subject-verbagreement, “people is having”. Minimize the use of semicolons. It isbetter to use a period rather than semicolon. ----- For more information about the IELTS Writing Makeover, check outmy earlier post here.


57


Our featured writer for today is Ileana from Venezuela who writes about dieting. Here are her views about it. Dieting can change a person’s life for the better or ruin one’s health completely. What is your opinion? There has been a discussion for years about dieting. Some people believe thet it is not a good practice because it can lead you to nutritional problems. Others however believe that it is the only way to be in a good shape and be healthy at the same time. It is undeniable that if dieting is practiced without the supervision of a professional nutritionist it could lead to a severe lack of nutrients our bodies need to be developed in a healthy way. One example of this is when people decides to turn vegetarian; but in a short period of time they realize there is a serious deficiency of proteins and as a result, it is translated into a general weakness. Some others think that people usually gets obsessed with it; what brings some mental disorders like anorexia for example. However it has been scientifically demonstrated that dieting under the supervision of a professional nutritionist is the best way to supply our bodies with healthy meals. In addition, our bodies get exactly what is needed, which could generally help us with our savings. Moreover, it has also been probed that with the practice of a good and healthy diet, our bodies need less exercise to keep a good

58

shape. It is very common to see people spending high amounts of money in gyms or buying expensive machines to have in their homes just to keep a good shape; but what they don’t realize is that if they had a better diet, spending all that money would not be necessary. To sum up -in my opinion, I believe that as long as it is done with the help of a expert, dieting would definitely change our life for better. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give both the good and harmful effects of dieting. You gave sufficient concrete examples to illustrate your point. COHESION AND COHERENCE You've made use of the five-paragraph format. There were a variety of transition words that signal a change of opinion and ending a paragraph. LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is generally varied and you made use of appropriate vocabulary. Improve your conclusion by adding two to three sentences. Make your sentences simpler and avoid wordy sentences. GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

59

Improve on your punctuation especially the commas. Put commasafter the transition words. Remove the semi-colons when usingconjunctions. Pluralize "people decides and gets". In the secondparagraph, split your example into two sentences. Improve therun-on sentence on the fourth paragraph. There is just one spellingerror: "thet". ------------ Do you like the IELTS Writing Makeover? For more updates andinformation, visit here and subscribe to my feeds. :)


60


The following essay is from Harsha and the essay discusses thedifferent views on alternative sources of energy. Here's the essayand the 4-point critique.

It has been noticed that government are using methods which arenot good for the Global environment to generate energy. Generatingmethods like oil, gas are few examples for this. At the same timesome government are promoting god ways of generating energy likewind and solar.

According to my point of view government should stop promotingmethod which are harmful to the global environment and try topromote some alternative ways of generating energy .Using gasand oil are highly effected to the environment in a bad way and itwill warm the global environment .In the other hand it is reallyexpensive and government has to spent so much money on this.Now a days some government are in a process of researching tofind alternative ways of generating power and this is a really a goodthing.

Some research people are found that methods like wind and solar are almost good for the global environment and not only that it is very cheapest way of generating energy since wind and solar both are we are getting free of charge from the environment ,only the equipment cost has to be bear . But some government says that

61

some people are not very much interesting in using methods likewind power since it has very old fashion which is not true .Actually itwill give very attractive view, specially modern people used to rejectthis because they live in town area which is developed to someextent so they think this kind of method is not suit for thatenvironment but I think we should give first place to our environmentbecause our healthy life mostly depend on the environment.

Finally I believe government should promote wind and solar as aalternative ways of generating energy and not only that governmentshould conduct awareness program to educated the people aboutthe methods and how it will affected to the global environment in agood way.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You wrote an essay with 326 words. Write between 250-265 wordsbecause you might run out of time.

62


Use more transition words to improve organization and include acomma after each transition phrase. Use the five-paragraph formatfor a more balanced essay. Some of your arguments do not relateto the topic. Give stronger supporting examples on whethergovernment should or should not promote alternative sources ofenergy.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

"Warm the global environment" sounds awkward. Use "increaseglobal warming" instead. Simplify the first and last sentences in thethird paragraph because it's too wordy. "Interesting" is not theappropriate term but use "interested" instead. Avoid one sentenceparagraphs so split the last paragraph into two sentences. "It hasvery old fashion" should be "it is old-fashioned."

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Correct the subject-verb agreement error in "government are/some government says" , "method which are", "using gas and oil are" and

63

"healthy life mostly depend". Revise the spelling error "god".Change "in the other hand" to "on the other hand". "To spent"should be "to spend". Remove the helping verb in "are found". Putan article "the" in the phrase "very cheapest way".

-----

Do you like the IELTS Writing Makeover? For more updates andinformation, visit here and subscribe to my feeds. :)


64


The following essay is from Nguyen of Vietnam. The essay discusses about the problems of change and how to solve them. People naturally resist making changes in their lives. What kind of problems can this cause? What solutions can you suggest? One of the characteristics of the modern life is the change. However, there is a large part of people who are afraid of making changes in their lives. This could cause some problems. Firstly, most people who don’t like having many changes in their lives are old people. An obvious example is the old people mostly can not adapt to the rapid changes in contemporary life. As the result, they decide to follow the traditional methods in spite of the modern ones. That could cause problems because some of old methods, for example in medical treatment, are not effective anymore and it could harm their health. Secondly, people who have been living or working in a certain environment for a long time hardly adapt to changes. The reason is they are afraid that the new changes in habits, cultures, languages could make their lives worse than it was. Some people worry that they don’t have enough experience for new requirements or they could not make friend with people at work. Consequently, it might keep them from demonstrating their best abilities in either their work or their lives. In my opinion, for old people, the younger members in the family

65

should spend more time helping them using the new techniques or modern tools. By doing these, the elders would feel easier to adapt to the changes. For people who have to change their living or working environment, they should concentrate on their work or spend time learning new language, get acquainted with their new neighbors and so on. In summary, life always changes so everyone should learn to adapt and make their lives better and better. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to explain the problems with changes as well as solutions related to this. You gave concrete examples which support your main points. COHESION AND COHERENCE The structure of the essay is clear and organized. You have made use of a variety of transition words. Your ideas are coherent. LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is varied and appropriate language was used. Meaning is clear but avoid one sentence paragraphs. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY Tenses are consistent and subject-verb agreement are correct. Just revise "can not" to "cannot" and "as the result" to "as a result."

66

---------- Do you like the IELTS Writing Makeover? For more updates andinformation, visit here and subscribe to my feeds. :)

67


Today's essay is from Sophia. She writes about the advantages and disadvantages of watching television. Watching Television is dangerous as it disrupts family and community relationship.To what extent do you agree or disagree. Nowadays ,watching Television has become part of an everyday activity by almost every individual.However, it is still a fact that it is not advisable to get addicted to it as it has a direct influence on the disruption of social relationship. Firstly , I believe that a person who tends to watch Television constantly loses the sense of reality thereby lacks attention towards his family.Consequently ,misconceptions arise between them and possibly deteriorates the condition.Many researches have evidences to support the fact that Televis ion badly interferes with and ruins the relationship. Similarly, Television has a negative impact on children especially the Teens.The reason is that it affects their academic performance and morale.It should also be noted that children at their impressionable age do not know how to differentiate between the virtual and non-virtual life experiences that ultimately decides whether to face failures or success in life.For instance, a child never knows that touching a fire is harmful until it ia experienced or explained to them.So, it is better to atch Television under parent’s supervision.

68

Finally, there is severe los of sense of community between people residind in the same locality.It could be simply because of the reason that they neither try to know about eachother nor feel to seek help as they always get entertained by the Televison.As a result, it places pressure on the individual when they have to face the challenges alone in the community.For example, a person would really find difficult even to forward a common petition for the people if they are reluctant. To sum up,Television being the major entertainer in today’s lifestyle has devastating effects on most families and community.But ,as one cannot deny it’s advantages it is worthwhile to note that we do not overuse it.I also forsee that as people’s lifestyle would become more mechanical and organized in future , time would not permit them to watch Televison very often. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give reasons why TV is harmful to individuals. You also provided supporting details but the example in the second paragraph needs more substance. COHESION AND COHERENCE You used the five-paragraph format. The structure of the essay is organized with a variety of transition words. LEXICAL RESOURCE You have a wide range of vocabulary. Language used was appropriate and clear.

69

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY Correct the following misspelled words: ia, los, residind, eachother,televison, it's, and forsee. Do not capitalize television and teens. ---------- Do you want to have a Writing Makeover? Visit here for moreinformation and hope you subscribe to my feeds.:)


70


Today's essay is from Minh Hien. She describes the role ofteachers.

The common role of a teacher is conveying knowledge fromgeneration to generation. Some people claim that teacher’sresponsibility concludes orientating students to behave well whistothers think that teaching academic subjects is enough. I take theview that teachers should carry out both duties.

First, teachers should take part in teaching students to differentiatebetween right and wrong behaviors. Students spend most of theirtime at school therefore teachers have a great impact on theircharacters. The instructions from school may help learners improveright actions as well as reduce wrong-doings, for examplesupporting the disabled is really high-appreciated rather thanlaughing at their handicaps. Moreover, students are initially aware ofthe surrounding world, so besides parents and society, teachers arepeople who directly guide students to judge about right and wrongattitudes. As far as drug addiction is concerned, students are easilytempted by their peers to try this fatal substance, the education fromschool especially their teachers could protect them from addictingdrugs.

On the other hand, the responsibility of teaching academic subjects is also important. It is obvious that students attend universities or colleges in order to get specific knowledge with can apply for their future careers. An architect need to learn some subjects in

71

university for instance, designing high building, basic construction,all of which can meet the requirements of his technical drawings.Furthermore, the fundamentals of science that are academicallytaught are really useful for future research such as universal studieson which is based physics, astronomy or molecular biology.

To sum up, I believe that both roles teaching academic subjects andorientating right or wrong behaviors are essential for student careeras well as characters. The time at school and the period to becomean adult of a student really require teachers to guide the appropriateattitudes. Besides, learning academic knowledge is the basis fortheir future jobs. The combination of both teachers’ duties couldperfect students jobs and behaviors.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to provide a balanced view of the role of teachers.You gave a good introduction and conclusion. Write between250-265 words because you might commit more errors and run outof time. Revise your third paragraph to give more focus on teachersrather on students.


A good mix of transition words was used to provide a contrastingview and sum up main points of the essay. It is better to write fiveparagraphs for a more balanced structure.

72

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a variety of words. Language used is appropriate and themeaning is clear. You gave concrete words.


There are just a couple of grammar errors which needed revision."Orientating" should be "orienting". Revise the subject-verbagreement errors like "architect" and "time". Correct the run-on insentence 1 of the conclusion by adding a comma. Put anapostrophe in the phrase "students jobs".

-------------------

If you want to be take the next IELTS Makeover challenge, feel freeto email me at [email protected]. And do subscribe to myfeeds for more updates. :)

73


Our featured essay today was written by Leena. She arguesabout men sharing the burden of raising children.

Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood.The idea that women are solely responsible for decidingwhether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they arealso responsible for bringing the children up.

It is certainly true that these days women have much influence on the decision whether to have babies or not. Sometime women want to have babies at later stage as they are working and can't take the responsibility for raising the children at the same time. But, this does not mean that if they will have babies at the later stage, then they should be responsible for raising them as well. Sometime men do not want to have babies whereas women would like to have. For instance, if men think they are not financially strong enough to raise the babies or they think it's too early to have babies, then they make the decision to have babies at later stage. But, no one raise any questions if they would like to have babies, then they will be fully responsible for raising them. In fact, some women support them and agree to have children at later stage and they never ask them to take the full responsibility of raising the children. Indeed, women who takes more responsibility than men. Thus, it will be unfair to think women should take the full responsibility for raising the children.

74

Men and women both should be equally responsible for raisingtheirs own children. For example, if children can not be send to childcare due to any reason, then men should not think that theirs wifeshould take off and sit at home to take care of the children. Theyshould also take off sometime and take care of the children. It is quite understandable that it takes a lot to raise the children, butif both parents share the responsibility, then it would be quite easyto raise the children. In my personal opinion, it does not matter whodecide when to have children, but once we have children, bothparents should mutually raise the children.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to discuss your views about men and women sharingthe burden of raising kids. You gave concrete examples but youshould add one more argument to strengthen your essay. Writebetween 250-265 words.


Improve organization by using the five-paragraph essay format.Include more transition words for a more cohesive essay.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

The terms “men” and “women” are redundant. Use other wordssuch as “mothers” and “fathers”.

75


Replace the subject-verb errors in “no one raise”, “women whotakes”, and “who decide”. There is also a pluralization error “theirswife”. Revise the fragment “women who takes more responsibilitythan men”. “Can not be send” should be “cannot be sent”. Split thecompound word “sometime”.

--------

Do you like this makeover? Email me at [email protected] forthe next challenge. Please subscribe to my feeds.:)

76


The following essay is from Mr. Ibrahim which describes the different views on leisure time. Leisure time is one of the important aspects of our life. The importance of this aspect comes the way of using and spend this free time. Some people think that, this time has to be used effectively by doing some useful activities. However, this point of view is in contradiction with others who assert that this time should be a relaxation time for their mind and body. These two points of view will be analyzed neutrally to come up with the advantages and disadvantages for each one. It is agreed by some people that, we should pursue some activities in our leisure time. For example, we can use this time in reading some educational books or playing some games, which can build our creativity. This view might be reasonable, because people always need to acquire more information in a variety during their entire life. In short, this idea is quite close to people who are looking for fulfill a continuous progress in their knowledge. On the contrary, others see that this time is the time of relaxation and having a rest. For instance, our physical body as well as our mind needs a period of relaxation after a day full of busy circumstances. Indeed, this point of view is admissible in order to complete our life successfully. This point of view is apparently admitting that we have to give some rest time to our human body because that will aid us to be in a good and fresh condition.

77

Following to the previous analysis, a company of people prefers to use their leisure time in doing some activities, nevertheless, others see that it will be more useful to get relaxed in order to accomplish their life’s tasks properly. In my opinion, we have to provide our bodies and minds with some rest times. These relaxation periods can take the majority of our leisure time. However, we can also involve some useful activities to be done in our free time. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to discuss both views on leisure activities. You gave concrete examples that support your main point. However, write between 250-265 words to save time. COHESION AND COHERENCE You have made use of a variety of transition words to show contradiction, examples and summary of main ideas. It is better to use the five-paragraph format for a more balanced approach. LEXICAL RESOURCE Your vocabulary is generally varied but there are some redundancies like “time” and “point of view”. Your words are clear and specific. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY Observe parallelism in your verbs like “using and spend”. Avoid

78

unnecessary commas when using “that”. Do you like the IELTS Writing Makeover? For more updates andinformation, visit here and subscribe to my feeds. :)

79


Our essay for today is from Suresh. He gives his argumentsregarding government reserving jobs for women.

Most high level jobs are done by men. Should the governmentencourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reservedfor women?

To begin with, high level jobs always need more concentration andproblem solving capabilities to work on it. From my observation,men are more talented and dedicated to work when compare towomen. I would recommend the government to develop anassessing system to find out a suitable candidate for high level jobsrather than reserving certain percentage.

Firstly, to talk about jobs, each job requires various ratio ofdedication to complete it. For instance, job in navy is purely suitablefor men, because they have to travel around the world for fewmonths to more than a year and meet new people. Compare to menit’s hard for women to deal with new people, so whatever level goeshere women can’t easily take up this job.

80

Secondly, almost all high level job requires managerial skills, wellplanning caliber and one minded attitude towards the goal. Butnormally women always two minded, one is their work and the nextis the family. They have to take care of their family without theyfamily never grow in a good shape. Moreover men can’t take care ofplanning family. Let women concentrate on their two importantduties.

Thirdly, government can interfere in this issue, but what is the finalgoal? Not to spoil the job by assigning irrelevant person. Thegovernment has to categorize suitable jobs for women and men.

In conclusion, men and women has their own skills to explore, whencomes to high level job, not all job suit for men and not all suit forwomen. So if government takes responsibility to assign right job forboth gender is a best way to finish jobs successfully without anydrawback.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

81

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

Your point of view isn’t clear whether you agree or disagree with thegovernment reserving a certain percentage of jobs for women. Youmain ideas should focus on this theme. There was no mention ofthe government’s role in your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.


You used a number of transition words to show sequence and togive your conclusion.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a variety of words but some of them look awkward suchas “two-minded” and “well planning caliber”.


Work on the proper use of verbs such as “compare” should be “compared”. “Men and women” should be plural. Include a verb in “not all job suit form men”. Revise the fragment “women always two

82

minded”. Revise the awkward sentence “They have to take care oftheir family without they family never grow in a good shape”.Pluralize “planning family” and “irrelevant person”. Change therun-on sentence in the last paragraph.

-----------

Does your writing need work? Take the IELTS Writing MakeoverChallenge. Email me at [email protected] and subscribe to myfeeds for updates. :)

83


Our featured essay is from Vilayvann. She talks about her thoughtson love and arranged marriages.

Some people prefer arranged marriages while others think lovemarriages are better. Discuss both views and state your ownopinion.

Marriages happen in every society all over the world. However,arranged marriages are accepted by some people while others thinklove marriages are better.

First of all, let us consider why arranged marriages are better. Theinitial reason is that parents know the best and they always want togive their children happiness. Every parent would not to see theirchildren crying or not getting along with each other. The secondargument is that they have more experience. They have beenthrough all experiences in their lives and they always know what orwho could make their children happy. Furthermore, usually theirdecisions are right and are well-accepted by respectful children. Thefinal basis is simply that children are naïve and they often makewrong decisions. Talking about marriage, it is usually caused byinfatuation so without seeking the parent?s council, they might notpossibly make good decisions.

Regarding the good points of love marriages, children have their own freedom of choices. Moreover, they have their own love and experience. It is possible that they have met a partner who works together. They might have known and understood each other well.

84

In addition, children always think about their future and they havetheir own responsibility for their choices. For some young people,marriage is a serous matter. They have to think seriously and seekcouncil from parents or other experienced people. When they havechosen a person for their lives, they hope and trust that their familywill be full of happiness and if the parents also like their decisions,they all will be happy and ready to surrender everything to eachother.

In conclusion, there are good points for both views. However, Iwould prefer love marriage but only when my parents agree with mebecause with love marriage, I am happy and my parents are alsohappy.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a good introduction and conclusion. You discussed bothpoints of view on marriage. However, there are too many majorpoints. Just stick to two major points for each view and givesufficient examples. It is better to use the five-paragraph format fora more organized look.


Your essay is cohesive with the use of a number of transition wordssuch as moreover, furthermore and in conclusion.

85

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have made appropriate word choices. Vocabulary is varied andclear.


Your verbs are consistent with each other. I didn?t see grammarerrors.

Need to revamp your writing style? Get an IELTS Writing Makeover.Just email me at [email protected] and subscribe to my feeds.

86


Our next makeover is from Kristina. She writes about her view onchildren growing up in the countryside and in the city.

TASK 2: It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than ina big city.Do you agree or disagree?Use specific reasons andexamples to develop your essay.

Each of us is influenced by the enviroment where he or she hasbeen growing up since the early age. For a parent, having a kidmeans to acquiesce to demands of a newborn and pick up theperfect place of future household. There exists plenty of aspectsyou have to take into consideration, one of which is the location.

Difficult though it is, each and every human being endeavors toprotect its own health. Therefore, living in the countrysideguarantees you the ubiquity of fresh air and better conditions foroutdoor activities. In addition to that, it is not only the health of whichwe need to take care - it is also our own safety. In order to providethe kids a peaceful home, you should decide in favor of a village asthe criminal rates are minimal there and your neighbours wouldbecome your closest friends.

Nevertheless, there is high expectation that your children will attend primary school. Never had I seen a kid who is keen on commuting to school. Because of this, one should be aware of the fact that distances in the city are considerably shorter. Furthermore, assuming that the parents want to offer their offspring as much opportunities to get involved as they can, the city is the one that

87

provides plenty of diverse facilities.

Overall, it seems to me easier to grow up a kid outside of a town.Well-being and safety are much more essential than leisurefacilities. However, when a child becomes more independent, thereis no reason to avoid living in the city.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave two sides of the coin discussing both the pros and cons ofliving in the city and in the countryside. However, for organizationpurposes, better use the 5-paragraph format. Have only one mainpoint per paragraph.


You’ve made use of appropriate transition words to give additionalpoints, to give reasons and to conclude.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

The language used is quite varied and clear. The words weren’tredundant. But, avoid high-sounding words as they sometimesimpede with meaning.


Observe parallelism in your pronouns. Another thing, revise therun-on sentence in the first line of the last paragraph.

88

Do you like to be the next makeover? Email me [email protected]. And do subscribe to my feeds.:)

mailto:[email protected]

89


Our featured writer today is from Pure. She writes about her views on government's political action on excessive consumerism and pollution. Climate change is now an accepted threat to our planet, but there is not enough political action to control excessive consumerism and pollution. Do you agree? Today climate change is regarded as a danger to our environment, but it also gradually becomes an acceptable phenomenon to most people. However, some people argue that the government should get excessive consumerism and pollution under control. I take the view that it certainly needs enough political aid to improve the problem. The reason behind unusual response to climate change is that plenty of greenhouse gas emissions, mainly from industrial activities, build up in the atmosphere and trap heat, so the global temperature gets warmer. Another point is that a high level of modern lifestyle is also considered as lots of consumerism. This keeps factories operating but it also produces excessive pollutants and wastes. In my view, to solve this problem, the government should take the lead at first. The chief reason is that they have more power to regulate human behaivour by limiting the amount of industrial gases. However, one of failed examples is that not all countries

90

delivered as promised on the Kyoto target which aimed at reducing the amount of carbon dioxide in the 1990s. Therefore, the government should take head of this issue seriously. However, in reality, the biggest difficulty is that the vast majority of the governments around the world think that their economic interests take primacy rather than the existence of climate-threaten problems. It poses a barrier when they try to achieve an agreement that might truly help the environment but that would reduce profits and cost more. If this can be dismissed, there would have enough political aid to this issue. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT The issue in this essay is whether the government is doing something or not about excessive consumerism and pollution. Your reasons and examples should establish either the government’s actions or the lack thereof. COHESION AND COHERENCE You have made good use of transition words like however, therefore, etc. Improve organization by having five paragraphs with one main point per each paragraph. LEXICAL RESOURCE There are some misused words. “Take head” should be revised to

91

“take heed”. Drop the preposition in “take the lead at first”. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY Revise the misspelled word “behaivour”. “Climate-threaten” shouldbe changed to “climate-threatened”. “There would have” should be“there would be”. Add an article in the phrase “the reason behindunusual response”. ------- If you want to take the IELTS Writing Makeover Challenge, emailme at [email protected]. And please subscribe to my feeds.:)

92


News editors decide what to broadcast on television and what to print in newspaper. What factor do you think influence their decisions? ■Do we become used to bad news? Would it be better if more good news was reported? ■ One commonly discussed issue nowadays is the selection of news by editors to broadcast on televison and to print in newspaper. Television and newspapers provide us with information about global and local news, financial and business information, and all kinds of entertainment. For sure, there are techniques and methods to choose a proper media■ developed and in use for news makers. In my opinion, the main determining factors are: audience, speed of production and covering region. ■ Speed is crucial factor in shaping ne ws into the appropriate structure. TV provides excellent possibilities for broadcasting at any time and in the most effective way. Every person watches TV or at least news shows. And modern telecommunication technologies allow us to create it in real time from the hot spot, while in a newspaper we could read about certain events the next?■morning. ■ On the other hand, not every region or small town has its own TV channel, but most of them have a local newspaper. In the local newspaper we are informed about all important news and events for inhabitants of this region. In this way, newspapers provide an excellent choice depending on the covered region or city. And, certainly, not every small region could afford expensive broadcasting time.

93

■ Other important things to consider are news audiences, the people for whom this news is made. All people have different interests and goals. For instance, business people watch or read financial news first thing in the morning, while medical specialists interested in pharmaceutical or health related research. Also the age of news consumers is very important. Children just get bored to look at financial tables! ■ To recap, to apply the best media source for news programmes, news editors must care about people who would be interested in the information provided, as well as about geographical place of the audience and the speed of news production. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT Although you were able to provide the factors that influence news editors, the examples and the main points do not completely address the issue. The issue is more on the content of the news. However, you focused more on the medium. COHESION AND COHERENCE You have made use of transition words to show a different point of view, to give examples and to summarize. LEXICAL RESOURCE Vocabulary is varied and meaning is clear. The language used was easy to understand. Words were used appropriately.

94

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY Revise the following spelling errors like "televison" and "ws". Add anarticle before "crucial factor". ---- Does your writing need more practice? Get an IELTS WritingMakeover. Email me at [email protected]. And pleasesubscribe to my feeds. :)

95


Our featured essay today is from Jay of the Philippines. He writes about the government spending money on space programs. TASK 2 Academic QUES: Governments around the world are spending billions in support of space programs. This money would be better spent on research into improvements in human health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? ANS: Many people debate on what should be done about the tax payers? money. Some people think that it may be best to invest it in space research. However, other people think that it is more beneficial if it is invested in health science. Although to some extent I believe that space research has its vital contributions in society, to a greater extent I believe that a persons? health is more important than doing space research. Industrialized countries worldwide allocate a large portion of its resources in space research because of its benefits in society. One important contribution of space research is the development of medical diagnostic devices such as X-ray and ultrasound. Originally, the technology being used in these devices is a product of space

96

research. However, space studies consume time and large amounts of resources before it can produce results, while many people are suffering and dying of diseases. On the other hand, some people believe that it is more important to spend tax payers? money in health research. Primarily, health research plays a vital role in the preservation of life. Many people in the world are suffering and dying from incurable diseases such as HIV, AIDS and cancer. Therefore, it is more important to find cures for these diseases and to save lives. Another important reason is that the cost of medical treatments is very high and only a few people can afford it. The government must find ways to lower the cost of medical services by improving health facilities and investing in health research for safer and less expensive alternative treatments. To sum up, there may be valid reasons why the government spends a huge amount of money on space research, but in my opinion it is more important to invest tax payers? money on health research in order to prevent further loss of lives. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT

97

You were able to discuss both sides of the issue. However, your word count is 308. This is too long. Write only between 250-265 words. Avoid one-sentence paragraphs like in your conclusion. COHESION AND COHERENCE The essay is generally organized. You have a variety of transition words to show a different point of view and to summarize the essay like ?on the other hand?, ?to sum up? and ?however?. I suggest that you use the 5-paragraph format for a more balanced structure. Have only one main point per paragraph. The fourth paragraph needs to be split into two. LEXICAL RESOURCE The language used is appropriate and clear. You used a variety of words. However, there were a couple of run-on sentences such as your conclusion and the last sentence of your introduction. A guideline is to have only 15 words per sentence. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY The tenses are consistent and the subject-verb agreement is correct. Work on improving the run-on sentences.

98

----- Want an IELTS writing makeover? Email me [email protected]. And please subscribe to my feeds. :)

99


Our essay for today is from Xasan. The essay discusses about how increase in private car use leads to environmental destructin. Topic : Environmental destruction are caused by increasing number of private cars. Currently, air pollution is found in many a part of the world and this is because of expanding number of private cars in use. Comfortably, most of the human beings prefer to have his/her own car, It is my opinion that the growth of personal cars in use really impacts the environmental destruction in terms of carbon monoxide produced by their engine and increasing number of fuel products. First and foremost, the rise of private cars in use which influences the environmental issues in terms of carbon monoxide produced by their engine. Nowadays, it can be said that most of the people have a personal car, therefore, this leads to increase carbon emissions in the air. For example, the rate of carbon monoxide in the atmosphere was grew steadily by 20% because of expansion of private car usage in USA. Secondly, the expansion of personal car in use really impacts the environmental destruction in terms of increasing number of fuel products. In fact, petroleum industries are always depend on public and private transports. As long as these features tend to rise, the quantity of oil products will similarly soar. For instance, the amount of fuel produced by oil manufactures have rose by a quarter over all the markets compared to the previous year, as consequence of

100

increasing the private cars. To sum up, climbing number of private cars which affect the production of larger quantity of fuel products and carbon emissions are the main cause of environmental destructions. Environmentalists should make a lot of advertisement which notifies the risk of using private cars and more encouragement to the society for using public transports. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to provide supporting arguments on how private car use causes environmental destruction. Your word count is 273. Reduce this between 250 to 265 words. COHERENCE AND COHESION The essay is organized with the use of transition words such as “first and foremost”, “secondly” and “to sum up”. But, do use the five-paragraph format for a more balanced structure. LEXICAL RESOURCE You used a variety of language but some words were awkward. Replace “human beings” with “people”. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY Pluralize “a part of the world” and “advertisement which notifies”. Drop the helping verb in “was grew steadily”. Use the past participle in the verb “have rose”.

101

------ If you want to have your IELTS essay assessed, email me [email protected]. :)

102


The following essay is from Jakov and he writes about the pros and cons of using bicycles. In these days of great environmental pollution bicycles are surley both economical and cheap way of traweling to school. Althought some consider bicycles are out of fashion and not as effective as cars or bus. The main problem is whether speed and pleasure should be more important than healthier and economical trip to school. The most important argument for is the fact that bicycles are driven only by human effort, so except of being economical they are good practice before going to school. Besides it is much more healthier for children to drivie bicycles to school rather than just siting in the bus and waiting to be delivered in front of school gate. On the other hand traffic in cities can be very dangerous thus bicycles are not the safest transportation to school. Moreover becouse children dont pay atention on traffic as they should. Also it is quite difficult, and sometimes not

103

suitable to drive bicycle in school every day, especialy if its raining. All in all, bicycles can easily be stolen, even more, if you bought yourself expencive one. To sum up, there are good and bad sides of driving bicycles, as far as I´m concerned everyone should drive bicycles when its sunny day . Children have forgotten to enjoy in simple things, nowdays everyone wants to get a driving licence as fast as posible just to be popular in school. 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give a balanced view on the use of bicycles. You have supporting details but the grammar errors made it less clear. Your word count is 232 which is short of the 250 words required. COHESION AND COHERENCE You’ve made use of a number of transition words such as “on the other hand” and “to sum up” , “besides”, “moreover, and “although”. Improve the organization by using the 5-paragraph format. LEXICAL RESOURCE You’ve made use of varied words but there are some inappropriate

104

words like “delivered”. Better use the term “dropped off”. GRAMMATICAL RESOURCE AND ACCURACY Revise the following misspelled words: surley, traweling, althought,siting, drivie, becouse, atention, especialy, expencive, nowdays,licence, posible. When using transition words, make sure that youinclude a comma. There should be an apostrophe in “its raining” ,“drive bicycle” and “its sunny day”. “More healthier” is redundant.Include articles in “yourself expensive one” and “it’s sunny day”.Your grammar foundation is weak and I suggest that you go throughan intensive grammar course to improve it. ------ If you want your essay to be assessed, email me [email protected]. :)

105


The following letter is from Vikram. He writes a complaint letterabout a popular musical show.

You recently paid a lot of money to attend a performance of apopular musical show. Unfortunately, you couldn't enjoy the showfor a great many reasons for which you blame the theatremanagement.

Write a letter to the management. In your letter

– explain what the problems were

– suggest what should be done in the future to prevent theseproblems

– ask for a refund.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this letter to complaint about the last Saturday`s musicalshow organised by your management.

Below are the main reasons for I didn’t enjoy the show.

1. Sound system that created echo’s during the show.

2. Air conditioner didn’t worked from the half of the show.

3. Over crowd in the theatre.

106

So I am suggesting the following precautions for the above.

1. Replace sound system that suited to your theatre.

2. Check air conditioner before the start of the show or a frequentmaintenance required.

3. Allow the people as per capacity of the theatre.

Even though I paid lot money for that show, I couldn’t enjoy theshow, so I would like to refund for my ticket. I am happy if you solvethis matter as soon as possible.

Yours Sincerely

Vikram.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to explain the problems of the musical show as wellas give recommendations. However, your word count is 140. Youshould write between 150-165 words. Add more sentences in yourintroduction. Be more specific with the name of the show and theproducers of the show.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Improve the organization of your essay. Avoid bullet points and usemore transition words. Follow the 3-paragraph format.

107

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There were some words that were used inappropriately. Replace“complaint” to its verb form. Change “precautions” to“recommendations”.


There were a number of grammatical errors. Drop the article in “thelast Saturday’s musical”. “Main reasons for” should be “mainreasons why”. “Echo’s” should have no apostrophe. Remove the“ed” in “didn’t worked”. “From half of the show” should be “duringhalf of the show”. Include a helping verb in “that suited” and“frequent maintenance required”. “I paid lot of money” should be“lots of money”. “To refund” should be “to ask for a refund”.

--------

Need help for your IELTS writing? Email me [email protected]. :)

108


The following essay is from Kavitha. She writes about populationcontrol by the government.

Some governments say how many children a family can have intheir country. They may control the number of children someonehas through taxes. It is sometimes necessary and right forgovernment to control the population in this way. Do you agree ordisagree. Give reason for your answer

The states have every right to deny some benefits to those familieshaving many children and impose heavy taxes on those who do notabide by these rules. I totally agree with the views expressed bysome of these government bodies for having put in place thesepopulation controlling measures. This essay looks at some of thereasons as to why it’s important to have such systems in place

Firstly, the steep rise in population in developing countries such asChina, India has negative impact on their Economic growth leadingto unemployment. Lakh’s of student graduate from colleges everyyear, however not everyone is employed due to the limited numberof job opportunities available thus leading to huge unemployedyouth. This number keeps mounting year by year and could havedevastating impacts. Unemployed youths without steady income,would turn drug addicts, some might become petty thieves andterrorists which will affect not only their families and also the society.

Secondly, the rise in population also leads to poverty forcing children to go to work at an early age for survival and to have at

109

least one meal a day. Many children earn meager salary and areforced to work long hours and children are abused at work placesforcing children to commit suicide. Many of the schemes to developthe lives of these under-developed families do not reach them at alland the reason being their illiteracy.

Population growth also has negative impact in terms of governmentnot able to provide basic medical care needed by all its citizens.These problems can be overcome if a law is put in place thatensures that people are penalized when they do not follow the birthcontrol measures proposed by the government.

On the other hand, these restrictions on child birth control couldhave some negative effects too. A family having too many childrenmight abandon their children just to avail the benefits offered by thegovernment; this could force many children to go to orphanages

To conclude, the measures initiated by some of the governmentswould definitely help control the population growth thus increasingthe prosperity of the nation and improves the living standards offamilies and also help in Economic growth of the country byreducing unemployment and poverty stricken people.

Word count: 381

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

110

You were able to give both sides of the issue. You gave supportingdetails to emphasize your point. You gave both a good introductionand conclusion. However, your word count is 381. Reduce thisbetween 250-265 words.


The paragraphs are organized with the use of transition words suchas “firstly”, “secondly”, “on the other hand” and “to conclude”.However, reduce the number of paragraphs to five for a morebalanced approach.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a wide vocabulary and made use of advanced languagelike “penalize” and “illiteracy”.


There are minimal grammatical errors found. Replace “lakh’s ofstudent” with “a lot of students”. Do not capitalize “economic”.

------

Need help with your writing? Email me at [email protected]. :)

111


The following essay is from Tiffany and she writes about her viewson saving and retirement.

Is an individual fully and solely responsible to save money in orderto survive after their retirement?

In this modern society, it is essential for us to work in order to earnmoney and to live a better life. Admittedly, one can■t survivewithout money in this materialized society. For the retired, withoutextra income, saving money becomes vital and some believe that itis their personal responsibility to use the money well. However,others say government and society aspects should also beaccounted for. This essay will examine both sides of view.

It is human nature to find a career after one graduate from school,using the knowledge acquired from years of learning, enabling oneto build family and live a happier life. As we reach the age ofretiring, it is important to realize and face the fact that there will beno extra income besides the retirement pension and it is time tosave money. Investing the money that is left well becomes aninevitable task in order to keep our stomachs full. Therefore, theresponsibility we have to burden cannot be denied.

Looking from the opposite side of view, society and government responsibility should also be considered when an individual meets the difficulty in living after not working. Social institutes could arrange recreational activities or simple tasks for the elderly to participate and do to earn a little, while government could provide

112

subsidies on money, food, and healthcare etc.

To conclude, I believe that individuals have the partial responsibilityto save and use their money well, but would live better withgovernment and society help.

FOUR-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give a balanced view of the issue on savingmoney. You gave a good introduction and conclusion. Your wordcount is between 250-265. You were able to give solid examples.


The essay needs more transition words for better structure. It isbetter to use the 5-paragraph format for a more balanced view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some words that were used inappropriately. Materializedmeans to happen. The proper term should be materialistic. Burdenis a noun. The correct word is carry. Revise institutes withinstitutions.


There are some subject-verb agreement errors like one graduate. Insert an article in build family. Revise the run-on in your second paragraph and third paragraph. A guideline is only 15 words per

113

sentence.

------

Need to polish your essay? Email me at [email protected]. :)

114


The following essay is from Ginger. She writes about the role of computers and teachers in education. Computers nowadays are used in every field of life.Where in your opinion is the role of computers in education and where is the role of teachers? Half a century ago one could hardly imagine what advanced technologies based on computers would advent in next decades.The development of computers has had great influence on our lives affecting important aspects like economy, education and medicine. This essay will examine the role of teachers as well as computers in modern education. It can not be denied that teachers play a critical role in children education. Firstly, they prepare a friendly atmosphere in class. Secondly, not only they teach them but also they try to be their second family. Importantly, a good teacher can be even a role model for a child. Last but not least, they pass their experiences and beliefs along their knowledge to next generation. Nevertheless, new technologies have challenged the conventional role of teachers in the class. Teachers used to be the only reliable

115

source of information for students and there was a show-tell approach in teaching while the exponential speed of information change today makes this method rather abolished. Another considerable point is that the information within textbooks should be revised and updated time by time that will definitely impose the excess expenses to educational system. Consequently, it is the computer and e-learning that help teachers to come up with the aforementioned problems. Using unlimited educational sources available in the internet along with interactive CDs or games; nowadays, teachers can effectively manage how to transfer educational material to their students to have an enjoyable educational process with a long-lasting result in particular. Furthermore, the role of teachers surely changes in this system because it would not only be teachers who transfer the information to their students but it would be also the students themselves who follow their educational needs while teaching role of a teacher would change to a guide role subsequently.

116

In conclusion, since computers are going to find their real places in modern education; hence, in my opinion, it is expected that the current educational system would change in next years to a technology dominating system. Word count: 333 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to explain the role of teachers and computers in education. You gave a good introduction and conclusion. However, your word count is 333. Limit your essay to 250-265 words. COHESION AND COHERENCE You used a variety of transition words like “consequently”, “furthermore”, “nevertheless” and “in conclusion” to show additional points and to summarize. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format. Have only one main point per paragraph. LEXICAL RESOURCE You have used a variety of words. You’ve made use of advanced vocabulary. However, avoid wordiness. Have only 15-20 words per sentence. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY Minimal grammar errors were noted. Just avoid using run-on sentences. Break long sentences into two.

117

-------- Need help with your writing? Email me at [email protected] fora free makeover.

118


Our featured essay is from Vilma. She writes about the advantages of children learning a foreign language early. Some people say that teaching foreign language to children in primary school is good and that advantages of teaching foreign language early outweigh the disadvantages. What is your opinion? The experience has shown that the sooner we introduce a child to a foreign language, the better it is. When a child start to learn another language during primary school there are many advantages. For instance, anatomically it is very easy, helps them with their own language and the acquisition of knowledge about the culture of that country. Our brain is more flexible in young age. It is like a sponge and it perceives every information we get from watching movies or TV shows or reading books. Also, we remember better in a young age and there is no need to repeat the same word or sentence over and over. Anatomically, our vocal system is more elastic and the pronunciation of the different words is very alike with that of the native speakers. When children learn a second language in elementary school, it helps them with their native language as well. While studying another language they have to study the structure of the sentence, the meaning of the words, how they are comprised. So, they will think the same way about their own language. However, they will understand better their own language and have more chances to do

119

better at school. Learning a foreign language means to get to know about the culture of that country. Children will read books, will watch movies or different TV programs in that language. This will help them to abroad their knowledge and maybe in improving their overall school performance. In my opinion, it is better to start a new language in a young age. We might feel very busy at the moment and no need for another language but in years we see the value of it. I would say that teaching a second language would be the best present that parents can give to their children. Word count: 304 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to give good arguments why it is necessary to make children study a foreign language at a young age. However, your word count is 304. Reduce it to 250-265 words. COHESION AND COHERENCE The structure of the essay is generally organized but needs more transition words to make it more cohesive. LEXICAL RESOURCE You used a variety of language but there were some that were

120

redundant like “anatomically” and “young age”. “Abroad” should be“broaden”. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There were not much grammatical errors but do correct thesubject-verb error in “a child start”. ------- Do you need help in your writing? Get an IELTS writing makeoverand email me at [email protected]

121


The following essay is from Jana. She writes about fossil fuels beingthe most important global priority today.

"The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today. To what extent do you agree or disagree?" It is certainly true, that fossil fuel is main source of energy in the world. There are several arguments supporting this view. More and more countries develop their industry and economies, which means, that scale continue to grow up. In some way i agree with this issue, because i believe, that it is damage our natural planet. It is clear, that fuel damage our natural world and probably soon our world will not be able to support as, because of huge polution. Furthermore these problems are urgent, because we threat our planet in negative way and no action by single country could safe them. For instance, government supplied various areas with recycle been for paper, glass, and plastic. They aim is to trying keep our cities clean and reduce them of polution. But it is also true, that most of people have their own problems and they do not think about global problems. In addition, there are also other global priorities, such as poverty and disease. They have the same importance as energy problem, because all these issues are connected together. In the other world, if we did not have global problems, it is possible that disease could reduce.

122

However, it is also true, that fossil fuel may give advantages. It isevident, that arabic countries are rich with the fuel, which givesthem more possibilites to develop their countries, such as buildskycraper and modern buildings. As the result country like Dubai isone of the developmnet and modern countries. In conclusion, in my view of thinking, i believe, that the fuel is one ofthe most vital problems nowadays, but at the same time it is fairlydifficult to imagine our world without it.

Wordcount: 286

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

The task is about finding alternatives to fossil fuels as the mostglobal priority. You wrote an off-topic essay. You should providearguments why governments should or should not make this theirtop priority. You wrote a 286-word essay. Reduce this to 250-265words.


The essay is organized with the use of transition words such as “inaddition”, “however” and “in conclusion”.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

123

Rephrase “natural planet” because it looks awkward. Simplify “in myview of thinking”. “Safe” should be “save”. “Been” should be “bin”.


There are a number of grammatical errors found. Capitalize “I” andproper nouns like “Arabic”. Revise the misspelled errors like“polution”, “possibilites”, “skycraper”, “developmnet”. Add an articlebetween “is main source” and “in negative way”. Add “ing” to “isdamage” and “en” in “threat”. Pluralize “country like Dubai”. Add an“s” in “scale continue” and “fuel damage”. Change “they aim is totrying keeping” to “their aim is to keep”.

For more information about the IELTS writing makeover, email meat [email protected]. :)


124


The following essay is from Maka. The essay is about reducing theneed for people to travel from home for work, education orshopping.

Task: The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today isby reducing the need for people to travel from home for work,education or shopping.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is true, that traffic in the modern big cities is a very big problem.The more standards of living increase, the more traffic jams wemeet in the streets. Many citizens feel trapped and desperatewaiting in lines for hours to reach the point of their final destination.

It is obvious that the main reason for the streets loaded with cars isthe activities like working, studying or shopping. Moderninformational technologies can suggest the new ways. It can be truethat working from home is comfortable for some people but notappropriate for some kinds of jobs; for instance, a surgeon canhardly operate on distance; however a web-designer will do aperfect job while being home. In fact, distance education can alsobe a solution in terms of decreased traffic, but still, as in case of thework conditions, there are types of disciplines like choreographythat mainly focuses on practice. Happily, most of the shoppingactivities can be done trough online shopping. In my countrypopularity of the online shopping is steeply increasing, which freesthe streets out of traffic and pollution.

125

But there are different reasons why the people cannot be forced toreduce traveling – social, economical and juridical. First of all, theincreased distance working, learning or shopping reducessocialization, the need to communicate and work with people. Also,decreased travel needs will ruin a lot of businesses that deal withthe transportation means. And last but not least – every human hasa right to choose the way of life. So, the reduction regulations canonly have form of recommendations and support.

In conclusion, the only solution to decrease the need for people totravel is the use of modern technologies but still; it cannot be asound alternative as people have different lifestyles and differentneeds. So finding one single solution for all the people is not soeasy.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give sound solutions to decrease the need forpeople to travel. You gave concrete examples. However, your wordcount is 316. Reduce this to 250-265 words to save time.


The structure of your essay is organized with the use of appropriatetransition words such as “also”, “so”, “in conclusion” and “however”.It would be better if you use the 5-paragraph format for a morebalanced view.

126

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You’ve made use of a variety of words and the language used wasquite advanced and appropriate.


No grammatical errors were noted. The tenses used wereconsistent.

--------

For more details about the IELTS writing makeover, email me [email protected]

127


The following is an essay from Harini and talks about theadvantages and disadvantages of being famous.

Essay topic: pros and cons of being a celebrity and supportone side.

Entertainment industry has been growing enormously since the past decade. It has been provided this platform to lots of common man ,so that they can take it up as their career and become a star or a celebrity with their talent. This gradually becomes their profession and along with it comes the pros and cons of it. This essay will look at some of the advantages and disadvantages of being a celebrity. One of the main disadvantage of being a celebrity is they do not have the privilege to have a private life. Everytime , every moment people wants to know what are the happenings in their life. As a result, they do not usually have the freedom to enjoy a normal life like going out ,meetings friends and many more. They are being watched constantly all the time. Secondly, their occupation involves lots of hard work. It is sometimes believed that they need to be emotionally strong , to avoid influence from the reel life character that they play . Lastly, they are looked upon by people as role models, so they have to be cautious enough to deliver right message. The advantage of being a celebrity is to gain fame and recognition. For a moviestar, whenever a movie is a big hit, they become successful and are known for their talent. They have a huge crowd

128

of fans who admire and like them a lot. Along with the recognitioncomes the money. The more the movie is successful the more richthey get. Although they have to sacrifice many things in their life toreach this stage, but when they are recognised and loved by manypeople, they feel gratified. The rewards motivates them to performbetter. Despite the fact that more money can lead people towards negativeattitude for life, it is important to accept that there are pros and consin any professsion. My personal opinion is the advantagesoverweighs the disadvantages. The celebrites have the power tochange people's perception, to make a difference ,to be heard out.

Word count: 343

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving both the advantage anddisadvantage of being a celebrity. However, your word count is 343.Reduce this from 250-265 so that you won’t commit a lot of errorsand you will be able to save time.


There are some transition words used within paragraphs. Add moretransition words to link paragraphs and to summarize your mainideas.

129

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have used a variety of words. Language used is appropriateand the meaning is clear. There’s one misused word. Change“overweighs” to “outweighs”.


There are a number of spelling and grammar errors noticed. Revisethe following misspelled words: professsion, celebrites. Change thesubject-verb errors: “one of the main disadvantage”, “people wants”, “advantages overweighs”, “rewards motivates”. Pluralize “commonman”. “More rich” should be “richer”.

------

If you want to be the next IELTS writing makeover, email me [email protected]. :)

130


The following essay is from Raghu and he writes abouttraditional vs. western music.

Essay: Why do we need music and how is traditional musicimportant over western music.

Among many leisure time activities, music is one of the mostpopular chosen activity. Music gives pleasure to all irrespective ofage, gender, educational background, field of work etc. Music is notonly the most chosen but also the most needed activity.

Music relaxes a person who is tired physically as well as the onewho is tired mentally. It is one such relaxation activity which doesnot need any kind of effort from you in contrast to other options. Forinstance watching a movie needs you to use your eyes which youmight not prefer incase you have already spent your time in officeseeing computers. Dancing ,playing games, swimming etc. needphysical energy and even practicing yoga needs a posture.Listening to music can be done anywhere even while in bathroomsor while sleeping on bed.

Music can narrate a story, transcend anyone into his favouritedreams, can encourage people, can motivate people and can evokesoft feeling even in a hard-hearted person. Music can be producedby anything as simple as by using two sticks or by sophisticatedgroup of instruments by musicians. Even rustling of leaves, pitterpatter rain drops are the musical gifts of nature.

131

Traditional music would definitely be important. While entertainmentis the most possible outcome from western music, traditional musicis the one which evokes feeling, touches your hearts and makesyou feel extremely relax. The origin of music is set to be from thesound of breathing that comes out in different situations, like whilelifting a heavy load or when you are sad and crying. That is howdifferent music makes one feel differently. Based on one’s culturemusic evolved differently in different regions and one closes to yourheart would be your own traditional music.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give the reasons why we need music as well asthe importance of traditional music over western music. Reduceyour word count from 296 to a range of 250-265.


Improve the organization by using more transition words and usingthe five-paragraph format. Give also a conclusion that willsummarize your main points.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

A variety of words were used. Words are clear and appropriate.However, the word “different” is used redundantly.


132

Change the subject-verb error in “one of the most popular chosenactivity” and “most possible outcome”. Add an article in “in office”.

-----------

If you want to be the next IELTS writing makeover, email me [email protected].


133


The following topic is from Rajesh and he writes about thedifficulties of his country and how to solve them.

Topic:What are the difficulties your country would face in nextten years? How do you propose to solve those problems?

I come from a developing country. It has been growing at a veryfaster pace in the past ten years. There has been an exemplarygrowth in GDP(Gross Domestic Product).Many problems likepoverty, unemployment have been curbed in the recent past. Butstill I could site quite few problems which the country might face innext ten years.

Firstly, Urbanization could be one of the very severe problems thecountry might suffer from. And a very high population is movingfrom rural areas to cities. As a result the provision of infrastructurewill not be able to keep pace with the increasing densities of thecities.

Secondly, growing gap between rich and poor is also a very seriousproblem. The trend of rich getting richer and poor getting poorer isincreasing, due to which there may be a steep increase in crimerates. Terrorism is also a major problem which cannot be ignored,though it is more of a global problem.

Urbanization could be curbed to some extent by encouraging the development of small scale industries in rural areas by giving incentives. Also, it can be reduced by providing facilities like

134

education etc. in rural areas on par with cities. And the secondproblem of poor getting poorer could be eliminated by the initiativeslike free education and giving monetary support needed forminimum living requirements. Terrorism can be reduced byincreasing the security in borders to avoid illegal infiltration.

However, measures like encouraging one child norm should betaken to control the population, to be able to effectively implementthe measures to reduce the problems discussed above. In spite ofall these, I see my country to be a very developed country in theworld in the next ten years.

Word count: 291

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to address the task by giving both problems andsolutions for your country. You used the five-paragraph format. Youhave sufficient examples to elaborate your main points.


The essay has an organized structure with the appropriate use oftransition words such as “firstly, however, etc.”

LEXICAL RESOURCE

The words used were quite varied and were clear. Just revise “site”to “cite”.

135


Work on your punctuation. Add a comma after your conjunctions.Avoid beginning sentences with “and”. Add an article in the phrase“in next ten years”.

---------

Get an IELTS writing makeover! Email me [email protected]. :)

136


The following Task 1 Academic Essay is from Ismael. He describesthe bar and pie charts about adult learning.

We can see from the bar chart the diversity between reasonspushes adult people to learn. At the top of the rates the both tworeasons which are Subject interest and Qualification gaining withpercentages range 38% to 40%. While three other reasons almostequal ranging between 20% to 22% comes in the second level,these reasons either to improve in their current job or to get a raiseand promote or even just they enjoy the learning. We can alsonotice that a less amount of people voted for the reasons of meetingpeople or to move between jobs.

The pie chart gives shares of how the costs of adults learningshould be divided. It shows that 40% of the total cost should be paidby the learner himself, while 35% to be paid by the employer andthe last 25% by the taxpayers.

At last we can say that adults' learning is useful for both worker andemployer and the charts shows that most of the people areinterested in learning, however how the cost of the courses wouldbe divided.

Word count: 183

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

137

You were able to describe the graphs and give specific figures tosupport your main points. However, give an introduction describingthe graphs which include the variables.


Improve your organization by adding transition words to link theparagraphs and to show sequence.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a variety of words but there are some words that wereused inappropriately. Revise “at last” to “lastly”. Remove theredundancy in “both two reasons”.


There are a number of run-on sentences found in the 1st and 3rd

paragraphs. Break long sentences into two. You only use “between”when talking only two things. “Among” is the proper term for multiplethings. Add “that” between “reasons push”. Sentence 2 is afragment so add a predicate to revise it. Add “are” between“reasons almost” and “reasons either”. Invert “just they”. Change thesubject-verb error in “charts shows”. Change “however” to“regardless of”.

----

For more information about the IELTS Writing Makeover, email me at [email protected]. :)

139


Our IELTS essay today is from Carol. She writes about academicand non-academic subjects.

Q: Schools should concentrate more on academic subjectswhich could be more beneficial for the children in the future.They should concentrate less on less important subjects suchas sports and music. Do you agree or disagree?

Many school focus on reducing time in sports and music because ofrestricted prospects.They feel that by devoting time in theseaspects, it can affect grades, obstructing individual developmentand not a necessity for the children in their future. This essay willdiscuss for and against on the concerns of main priority tasks.

First of all, if they engage in coursework that did not contributemuch to their overall score, it is quite time consuming as theycannot plan for more studying session in their daily schedules. Inturn, it may results in the fall of their grades. Secondly, when thishappens, individual development will be affected in areas of gettinginto universities and courses of their choice. Another important pointis that sports and music are not a commonly chosen field of work.The chances for career advancement and opening positions for jobsof this zone will be limited. However, the advantages of it cannot beoverlooked.

These additional selection can be helpful to children in encouraging

140

them to be more creative, exposing surplus knowledge in sports andpromoting healthier lifestyle. In music, reading musical notes andplaying instruments are been tested and tap into their capabilitiestowards originative. Exploring different types of sports functions andplaying tactics can stimulate the pupils in growing interests andcreates an improvement in their wellness too.

Finally, i think that we cannot differentiate the significance value ofeach topic covered in school. It depends on the circumstances,motivation and the level of enthusiasm of children toward learning.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a balanced view of focusing on academic subjects andnon-academic subjects. You gave concrete details to support yourmain point. Improve your conclusion by giving your stand on thetopic.


The structure of your essay is generally organized with the use oftransition words to show sequence and summary. It is better,however, to use the five-paragraph format for a more balancedlength of paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

141

The words used are varied and appropriate. Replace the followingwords into simpler ones: originative, and tactics.


Observe parallelism in your verbs like “can affect and obstructing”,‘be more creative, exposing and promoting” and “can stimulate andcreates”. Capitalize the “I” in the last paragraph. Change “are beentested” to “are being tested.”

---------

Need help in your writing? Email me at [email protected] for afree IELTS makeover.

142


Our featured essay today is from Hien Trang of Thailand. Theessay discusses about the power of advertising and its effectson consumers.

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Over the last decade, the development of trading and commerce has greatly enhanced the role of advertisement. Some people now hold the opinion that the coverage of ads therefore become one of the main catalyst increasing customers' behaviours. From my point of view, advertising today seems to be more of a tool of pressures for the masses, actively interfering with buyers' desire and affecting numerous aspects of life. In the first place, there is a common belief that advertising brings about considerable benefits to modern people, especially in terms of helping those in busy having no time to go shopping compare between various products and make right choices by themselves. For instance, by watching a lot of ads on television, a businessman can see the differences between a wide variety of cars and choose the most suitable one that best suits his taste and personality. In fact, it is the commercials or designers of the ads that force him to choose their products by finding out specific needs of their target customer groups as well as filling flowery phrases and empty

143

promises to their promotional campaigns. Secondly, it cannot be denied that the appearance ofadvertisements at a fairly maximum level on mass media is actuallythe culprit of harmful effects. The first matter that people mostlycome to mind is that ads exaggerate human's demands and boostcustomers purchase goods and services beyond actual needs. As amatter of fact, some of us may change or upgrade our homecomputer unnecessarily every two years just because of watchingmagical advancement of latest programs advertising day by day onthe Internet. Secondly, the producers of advertisements often usethe image of reputable celebrities and sucessful superstars with aview to promoting luxurious products attractively. The result is thatmany youngsters, because of having no money may be probably betempted to commit to a crime so that they can buy same goods astheir idols. Many recent statistics have shown annual report on thishigh rate of crime among young people out of this reason. In conclusion, it is clear that advertisement is obviouslyindispensable in our daily life. However, government and concernedauthority should implement suitable laws providing that these lawswill prevent enterprises from misusing the functions of advertisingand cause adverse effects to customers.

Wordcount: 387

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

144

You were able to prove how high sales of goods reflect the power ofadvertising. However, do reiterate your point of view in theconclusion to address the task. Reduce your wordcount to 250-265words.


Essay is organized with appropriate use of transition words to showsequence and examples such as “for instance, in conclusion,secondly, etc.” However, avoid using the same transition word twicee.g. “secondly.”. It is still better to use the five-paragraph format fora more balanced view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a good mix of advanced vocabulary. Language used isappropriate and clear. But do avoid wordiness. Avoid longsentences which might lead to run-on sentences.


There are minimal grammar and spelling errors. Just revise themisspelled word “sucessful”.

If you want an IELTS writing makeover, do email me [email protected]. :)

145

IELTS Writing Makeover #43

Our featured essay is from Natalia who writes about her views on environmental conservation and economic planning. To what extent should economic planning be influenced by the need of environmental conservation? Our ecological heritage is nowadays more important to the goverments than it was before. However, not all the nations include the money needed for its preservation on their national budget. This essay will outline some ideas in favor of the inclusion of the ecological preservation in the finances plan of the countries. There different reasons for investing on the preservation of the environment. In the first place, our natural resources are the main source of economical development for many nations. Therefore, it is an obligation of the states to protect the strong spots of their economy. A further reason for the goverments to compromise their investments with the environment are the plans to future. If the economy of a country is primary (based on the land), it is mandatory to have an specific budget of the national plan destinated to regenerate and renovate the land with the appropiate procedures. This will maintain the productive areas in the best conditions to keep on working effectively. Nevertheless, it is not the sole responsibility of the government to adjust the ecological projects to their economies. Large companies should be also compromised with the cause. A high number of the damages caused to the environment come from the irresponsible

146

work of many corporations. Devastation of the trees in the forest, gas emission from the airplanes, oil spilt, pollution coming from the industries and the like, are just a few examples of their terrible procedures. Then, authorities from each country should develop stronger laws to penalize the ecological damage and also, to reinforce the programs of social responsibility of the companies. I agree that plans of ecological preservation should definitely be included on the economic program of the countries. However, the problem can not be just part of a governamental agenda but also engage the biggest companies in order to prevent environmental dissasters. If we want to preserve our beautiful planet is a challenge of the main authorities to be aware of its needs. Word count: 329 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You were able to explain your reasons why ecological preservation is needed in economic planning. However, your word count is 329. Limit your essay to 250-265 words minimize time and errors. COHESION AND COHERENCE You used a number of transition words such as “nevertheless”, however”, “then”. Add more transition words especially in the conclusion. Improve the organization by using the five-paragraph format. Paragraphs should be not more than 50 words.

147

LEXICAL RESOURCE Avoid wordiness and use simpler vocabulary to avoid misuse oflanguage. “Destinated” should be “designated”. Rephrase the word“compromise” into a more appropriate term. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There are a number of misspelled words: appropriate,governamental, disasters, destinated. Put a linking verb between“there different”. “On the economic program” and “on the nationalbudget” should be “in”. “Plans to future” should be “plans for thefuture”. Never use “an” before a consonant. “Can not” should be oneword. Revise the run-on in your last sentence. ---------------- Get an IELTS writing makeover! Email me at [email protected]


148

IELTS Writing Makeover #44

Our essay today is from Zuhri and he writes about his arguments onacademic and non-academic subjects.

Q: Schools should concentrate more on academic subjectswhich could be more beneficial for the children in the future.They should concentrate less on less important subjects suchas sports and music. Do you agree or disagree?

Educations are important for all children. There are lots of subjectsthat being taught at school. Even though, there are still conflict ariseon teaching academic subjects and less important subjects. Somethink that academic subjects should be focused more than thesubject likes sports and music whiles others vice versa. As for me,concentrate more on academic is better.

Firstly, the reason why academic subjects should be more focus isbecause job future of the children. As we can be seen, the prospectof working are relying more on the academic subjects such asmathematic, physic and chemistry. While, the subjects likes sportsand music are more on for healthy lifestyle. In addition, try toimagine when the children growth up and looking for a job, if theacademic subjects is not concentrated they will hardly found ofdoing their tasks. Thus, it is resulted of worse job skills.

149

On the other hand, however, subject likes sports and music cannotbe omitted or eliminated. Healthy lifestyle also plays an importantrole in our life. Though, it is one of the ways to get out from thepressure in studying. By studying the sports or music, the childrenwill found the exciting of being in the school, in which, canencourage them to go to the school.

Finally, it can be concluded that academic subjects found as moreimportant rather than subject likes sports and music. But the sportsand music also can be found to be a support subjects inencouraging the children.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a balanced view by giving both the advantage anddisadvantage of focusing on sports and music. Improve yourconclusion by making your point of view clearer.


You have made use of a number of transition words such as “firstly, on the other hand, however, finally” to show sequence and to show contrast. However, delete the redundant transition word in your 3rd paragraph. It is better to have five paragraphs for equal number of

150

words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There was an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary and you tried toparaphrase some of the words. There were some redundant wordssuch as “found” and “important”.


A number of grammar errors and awkward sentences were found.You need to work on the sentence structures. Never pluralize“education” and “whiles”. Insert “are” between “that” and “being”. Revise “should be more focus” to “should have more focus”. “Growth up and looking for a job” should be “grow up and look for ajob”. “It is resulted” should be “it will result to “. “Will found” shouldbe “will find”. Change “exciting” into a noun”.

Need help in your writing? Email me at [email protected].

151


Our next IELTS Writing Makeover was written by Adrienne. Shesummarize a graph about the population of three different countries.

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the mainfeature and make comparisons where relevant

The line graph provides data about the percentage of senor citizensin Japan, Sweden, and the U.S.A. in a period of one hundred years.

We can see clearly from the graph that the proportion of elderpeople in the three countries stood at a 5% to 10% in 1940, and bythe end of 2040, the number went up to a range of approximately23% to 28%.

Sweden and the U.S.A. had a similar growth between 1940 and1980. Up until near the year 2000, Sweden showed a significantincrease while the U.S. stayed at the same level. The largest gapbetween the two nations was 6% in 2010.

The percentage of people aged over 65 in Japan, on the otherhand, decreased in the first twenty years and stabilized. Around1990 onwards, the number rose steadily. The most notable growthwas in 2030, with a enormous rise of 15%. Japan had the highestproportion of elderly population in 2040 of the three nations.

152

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to describe the trends in the population of Japan, USand Sweden. You gave an introduction but do give a conclusion togive a semblance of completion. Substantiate the 3rd paragraphand 4th paragraph by giving more concrete figures.


Your essay needs improvement in terms of organization. Add moretransition words to link paragraphs. Improve paragraph structure,Par. 1 – Introduction, Par. 2 – US, Par. 3 – Sweden, Par. 4 – Japanand Par. 5 – Conclusion.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite varied and not much redundant words. Youdifferentiated the increases and decreases by giving descriptivewords.


There are minimal errors in grammar particularly in the area oftenses. Just be careful when switching tenses. When talking aboutfuture years, use future tense.

If you want to be the next IELTS Writing Makeover, email me [email protected]

153


The following essay was written by Con. She writes about herviews on sports events and their relationship with patriotismand international tensions.

popular events like the football world cup and otherinternational sporting occasions are essential in easinginternational tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in asafe way. To what extent do you agree or disagree with thisopinion?

Today, international sports events are very famous all over theworld. One specific example is the world cup wherein differentcountries of the world have representatives to play the sports game.It is agreed and refuted by some that international events like thisbenefits every countries to be patriotic toward their own nation anddevelops friendship among different countries participating in thesport. These will be proven by discussing the unity developed withina country and the conflict that appears while cheering up for thepride of their own country.

Firstly, it is true that unity among people of a country duringhappenings like this is strengten. As an evident to this every citizenof a certain country cheer up for their own team. This unifies thembecause they represent their own mother land and they support onecommon goal which is to win. Therefore they share one commoncommitment that clearly shows that unity and patriotism toward theirown country is present.

154

On the other hand, certain conflict arises on events like this. As anexample that happened in the past , since different countries andnationalities are joining the game they support their own countryand sometimes too much excitement can lead to violence andchaos. Between two camps there is a possibility of violating eachother not only physically but verbally. Stampede is a proof of thisconflict resulting from events like these. It therefore proves thatinternational tournament may not fully ease tension but anothertension may arise.

As a summary, it is argued and refuted by some that internationalsporting events may unify the people of certain participatingcountries but a conflict may arise between countries if peoplebecome undisciplined. In my opinion, experience of the past gavevaluable lessons to people, and I believe that mistakes of the past isunlikely to be repeated . Thus the benefits of internationalhappenings outweigh the conflicts may arise because peoplebecomes more clear of the real mentality of being “sports”.

WORD COUNT: 334

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give both sides of the issue by providingsupporting details to prove your point. You made clear your standon the issue. However, your wordcount is 334. Reduce it to 250-265words.

155


Your essay is organized with the use of appropriate transition wordssuch as “firstly”, “on the other hand” and “as a summary”. Improveorganization by using the five-paragraph format for a more balancedapproach.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Avoid wordiness and long sentences. Sentences should only be amaximum of 25 words. Rephrase the redundancy in the lastsentence in the 2nd paragraph.


Change the misspelled words “strengten” to “strengthened” and“evident” should be “evidence”. Revise the subject-verb errors in “international events such as this benefits” and “people becomes”.Remove “up” from the phrase “cheering up”. Paraphrase the 2nd

sentence in your 2nd paragraph to observe parallelism in number.

---------

Need more help with your writing? Get a free IELTS WritingMakeover by emailing me through [email protected]. J


156


Our featured essay today is from Ube. The essay talks about thefactors contributing to job fulfillment.

Task: What are the factors that contribute to job satisfaction? Howrealistic is job satisfaction?

Job satisfaction describes a worker’s sense of achievement andsuccess. It also implies doing a job one enjoys, doing it well andbeing fairly rewarded for one’s effort. Furthermore, it is the keycomponent that leads to recognition, income, promotion, and theachievement of other goals that lead to a general feeling ofcontentment.

Moreover, work fulfillment can be influenced by variety of factorssuch as flexible work arrangements; training and other professionalgrowth opportunities; interesting work that offers innovation andchallenge; a stable, secure work environment; adaptable benefits;up-to-date technology; competitive salary and chances forpromotion.

Probably the most important to bear in mind when considering job satisfaction is it varies from one worker to another. Apart from the factors aforementioned, contentment in one’s profession is also actuated by the employer’s state of mind, personal characteristics, the superior’s characteristics and management style, and the nature of work itself. For example, when creating work teams, managers should carefully match the staff by placing people with similar backgrounds, experiences, or needs. As much as possible,

157

managers should match job tasks to employee’s personalities.Organizational characteristics such as commitment and relationshipwith seniors and co-workers have significant effects on occupationalhappiness as well.

So, in essence, career fulfillment is a product of the events andconditions that people experience on their jobs. The happier thepeople are within their work, the more satisfied they are said to be.Besides, if the pleasures associated with one’s employmentoutweigh the pains, there is some level of job satisfaction.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You have answered the task by giving the factors that contribute tojob fulfillment. You gave concrete examples and supporting detailsthat prove your point.


Your essay is organized with the use of transition words that linkparagraphs such as: furthermore, moreover, so, etc. Improve yourorganization by using the five-paragraph format for a more balancedstructure.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite varied and you used language that is relevantand clear.

158


There are minimal grammar errors particularly the run-on in your 2nd

paragraph. Avoid one-sentence paragraphs. Split the run-on intotwo for more clarity.

If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me [email protected]. :)


159


The following essay was written by Lucia. She writes about heropinions on eating at restaurants.

EATING AT RESTAURANTS IS CONVENIENT FOR MANY PEOPLE BUT SOME PREFER EATING AT HOME BECAUSE IT IS MUCH CHEAPER. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION. Eating is practically part of people's day to day lives. This is probably the reason why people consistently find different ways how to enjoy food. Many find it exciting to eat in restaurants or fast food chains because of the variety and type of food these establishment offer. Nonetheless, there are others who choose to eat in the comforts of their home for they believe that it is much safe and economical. Dinning out is enticing not only because of the food served but also because of the ambiance these diners have. It is true that one can see the culture of a certain place through food. For this reason, people enjoy eating out. In addition, restaurants and fast food chains provide convenience for the busy people who have no time to prepare their own lunch or dinner. On the other hand, this habit can be very expensive, and is not applicable to people on a tight budget. Moreover, the cleanliness of the food is not assured even though almost all of the food establishments claim that. There have been reports that even those high-end cafes' and bistros' have dirty kitchens.

160

Meanwhile, many choose to stick to the tradition of eating in thesolemnity of their abodes because of variety of reasons. One ofwhich is the value for money. Home prepared food are considered alot cheaper that of the restaurants. Imagine, a normal spaghettimade at home would cost less than those that can be bought in afancy eatery. Furthermore, pragmatics would suggest home food issafer. As explained earlier, one can never guarantee the cleanlinessof the food being served in the restaurants because of myriads offactors. The most important of all is personal hygiene. Lastly, Thefood that is cooked in one's kitchen is more tasteful. For the reasonthat the kind and the amount of ingredients used depends onpersonal preference. However, in order to make food moreappealing and inviting one needs to be adventurous. In my opinion, I believe that food that is cooked at home is still thebest because it is made in accordance to personal choices. Asidefrom the fact that the food sanitation is assured, it is also empiricalto say that home eating is economical. One can always modifyeating and dinning in their own haven. All it needs is creativity and alittle passion for cooking.

Word count: 401

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to describe both points of view and gave supporting details to prove your point. You stated clearly your preference. However, your word count is 401. Reduce your words between

161

250-256 words only.


There a number of transition words used such as “furthermore,moreover, lastly, etc”. Improve the structure by using fiveparagraphs for a more balanced view. Have only one main point perparagraph.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Words used were varied and clear. You used advanced vocabularysuch as “pragmatics” and “empirical”.


There are a number of grammar errors found. Replace themisspelled word “dinning.” Pluralize “establishment”. Remove theapostrophe in “bistros” and “cafes”.

If you want your essay to be critiqued, email me [email protected].

162


The following essay was written by Andreea and she writes aboutthe functions of a university.

Some people think that universities should provide graduates withthe knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Others think thatthe true function of a university should be to give access toknowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course isuseful to an employer.

What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examplesfrom your own knowledge or experience.

The purpose of universities is to provide education to their students. Different universities have come up with different programs in order to acomplish that. Every student chooses the program that suits him better acording with his capacities, abilities, or pasions. For instance, I like mathematics and finance, so I applied to a finance program at an economic university. This university provided me the advanced economic knowledge necesary in this field, and by the time I graduate, I was hired in a bank. Although I have studied finance for three years, I wasn't able to do the work they have hired

163

me for until they trained me for that job specifically. Fortunatelly, myeconomical background helped me, and I only had to attend a shorttraining program, but the ones with different background had to betrained harder. So, the fact that I have previously studied financemade it easier for me to do my job and helped the bank by the factthat it dind't had to spend much time and money to train me. In the whole world are millions of companies with so different typesof activities and job requirements so that it will be imposible for theuniversities to have a special study program for each and one ofthem. Universities should just provide its students with the basicknowledge and skills asked for in every working field and then thecompanies should teach the graduates the extra specificrequirements of each position.

WORDCOUNT: 246

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

The essay is below the 250 word count. It needs more main ideas tostrengthen your views. Never begin an essay with an example.


The essay needs to improve in terms of its organization. Add moretransition words to link paragraphs and to summarize. Follow alsothe five-paragraph format to give a more balanced approach.

164

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some inappropriate words used. “Economical” means“practical”. Change it to “economic” instead. Remove specific in thephrase “extra specific”.


There are a number of misspelled words: acomplish, acording,pasions, necesary, fortunatelly, dind’t, imposible. Revise the run-onsin the 2nd and 3rd paragraph. Avoid long sentences and a guidelineis to have 25 words per sentence.

------Email me at [email protected] if you want a free IELTS writingmakeover. :)

165


@font-face { font-family: "Calibri"; }@font-face { font-family:"Cambria"; }@font-face { font-family: "Stencil"; }p.MsoNormal,li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; font-size:24pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-weight: bold;}div.Section1 { page: Section1; }

Our featured essay is from Aquaris. The essay discusses aboutwind power as the best source of energy.

Topic is: wind power is the best source of energy because it isclean, affordable and sustainable. To what extent do you agree ordisagree?

In these days natural resources are in more use because theseresources are renewable source of energy and they are clean andsafe for both human and the environment. Wind power is the bestsource of energy. This essay will discuss first advantages and thenthe disadvantages.

The main advantages of wind power is the renewable source ofenergy. It is clean and does not leave any by products likeradioactive waste. This is the reason for why they are expensive.

However, there are some disadvantages to wind generated energy.It is costly to build wind turbines. Wind turbines are very large andneed lots of space. Wind turbines may cause harm to migratorybirds.

166

In addition, we can try to build the wind turbines in those placeswhere they will not affect the migratory birds. Even if the turbinesare expensive but they will be cheaper in longer term.

After considering all the mentioned points, i have derived conclusionthat the advantages of the wind power considerably outweigh thedisadvantages. Sources like coal , nuclear power, wind power doesnot produce any by products. All of these reasons wind power is thebest clean and sustainable source of energy.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

Development of the paragraphs is a little problematic andinconsistent. The task asserts that wind power is affordable and yetyou claim in your essay that it is expensive. You should havefocused on the advantages of wind power in terms of cleanliness,affordability and sustainability. Your essay is below wordcount: 200.Write between 250-265 words.


Your essay is generally organized with the use of transition wordssuch as “however”, “in addition” to show contrast and to showsequence.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

167

You have used a variety of words but because of the 200 wordcount it still lacks concrete and clear vocabulary.


There are a number of grammatical errors found. Simplify the firstsentence to make it shorter and remove unnecessary words. Addan article “the” between “first advantages”. Remove “for” in “for whythey are expensive”. Replace “have derived conclusion” to “havearrived to the conclusion”. Pluralize the verb in “sources”. Add “for”at the start of the last sentence in your conclusion.

168

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER # 51

The following IELTS Makeover is from Lisa and she discusses about the health care provision. The costs of medical health care are increasing all the time. Governments are finding it difficult to balance the health care budget. Should citizens be totally responsible for their own health costs and take out private health insurance, or is it better to have a comprehensive health care system which provides free health services for all? Discuss. There will always be debate regarding the issue of health insurance. Many people believe that private health insurance is more rewarding in terms of national costs, others argue that health services provided free for all of us are indispensable and of great importance. Those who argue in favour of private health care systems often claim that our governments could no longer manage their health care budgets efficiently. Further, those people might even tend to think that it is unfair to be responsible and to pay for other people’s health. In my opinion, it is important that health care remains comprehensive free and consequently available for all of us and not only for those who earn well. I would like to put forward the argument that every citizen could experience a situation in which he or she needs special (and expensive!) treatment. For instance, a friend of mine had a baby that was involved in an accident. The

169

baby had to receive much medical service and aid and eventually her life was saved. This would have cost a big sum of money if there were no collective health systems. In the case of private health care systems, people with a rather low income, who are already disadvantaged in many ways, would probably suffer even more. Because of the (ever increasing) disparities in salaries I realise that the gap in our society would grow even bigger. As we are all tax-payers, our incomes can be re-distributet, even if only to a certain extent. There is quite a bit of our taxes that is re-distributed into the health system. In my way of thinking, this is extremely important. For these reasons I am of the opinion that our governments should stay responsible for health care systems. WORD COUNT: 293 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT Good introduction but conclusion needs improvement in terms of length. You were able to give good reasons but give at least three and separate them into each paragraph. Some examples were given to support the main points. Word count is too long, write between 250-265 words only. LEXICAL RESOURCE Good range of vocabulary e.g. consequently, redistributed, tax-payers, indispensable, disparities. Able to paraphrase e.g.

170

collective health systems. Some idiomatic language evident e.g. putforward. COHERENCE AND COHESION Explanation is clear and logical. Evidence of some variety ofconnecting words e.g. for instance, further, in my opinion.Organization needs improvement. Paragraphs are not balanced:one is too long and another is too short. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY Good range of simple and complex structures e.g. modals like can,could, might, had to, would have; conditionals: if there were nocollective health systems; relative clauses: who are alreadydisadvantaged. There are some systematic errors like run-ons e.g.Many people believe that private health insurance is morerewarding in terms of national costs, others argue that healthservices provided free for all of us are indispensable and of greatimportance. Some spelling errors like redistributet. --- Get an IELTS Writing Makeover! Email me [email protected].:)


171


The following essay is from Milan. The essay discusses aboutthe causes and effects of drugs on the youth.

People in all modern societies use drugs, but today's youth areexperimenting with both legal and illegal drugs, and at anincreasingly early age. Some sociologists claim that parentsand other members of society often set a bad example.

Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug useby young people in modern day society. Make anyrecommendations you feel are necessary to help fight youthdrug abuse.

Nowadays, people in all modern societies are exposed to problemsof drug addiction. The huge problem in particular presents anincreasing number of young people who use drugs. The usuallystart using drugs out of curiosity and to successfully overcome thisproblem a society should consider introducing educational programsto raise awareness of dugs’ bad influence.

It is not a surprise to read in newspapers about existing problems of youth who enjoy drugs. It is said that number of addicts is becoming higher with every day. According to the recent study in (XXXXX), one of the main reasons of this increase is certainly curiosity of young people to experience drug effects. They might, for example, watch a movie showing their favorite actor taking a drug or read an interview of a musician claiming using drugs. All of these, without doubt, contribute to young people curiosity and they eventually

172

become drug addicts.

In order to solve drug related problems, a society must considerdeveloping and implementing educational programs which man goalis to educate young people of bad drug effects. For instance, such aprogram was launched in a few high schools in (XXXX). One yearafter the program’s implementation a study has shown a 5%decrease in young people addiction. These results are promisingand clearly show the benefits of educational programs.

Modern society has been facing with younger people drug addictionfor a while. One of the ways to mitigate the problem is certainlyputting education programs intro practice. There are lots ofexamples of their successful implementation and therefore, everysociety must consider applying them.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give reasons and solutions to drug addiction.However, there was no mention of the effects of drugs. Add onemore paragraph to discuss the effects. Good introduction andconclusion but improve the reasons in the conclusion. Goodstatistics to back-up your main points.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Wide range of vocabulary e.g. mitigate, implementation, awareness,exposed. Able to paraphrase some words.

173


Explanation is clear and logical. Good variety of connectingutterances e.g. therefore, in order to, for example. Paragraphs areof the same length, however, add one more paragraph to includethe effects.


Good range of grammar structures e.g. perfect tenses: has shown;modals: must consider; passives: was launched; relative clauses:who use drugs. There are some grammar and spelling errors e.g.the usually, dugs’, young people curiosity, man goal.

To get a free makeover, email me at [email protected].

174


The following essay was written by Ajit from India. The essay discusses about following the local customs of foreign countries. SOME PEOPLE believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Tourism industry has taken a big leap in the last few years. People visit different countries during vacations and also for official purposes. When an individual visits another country, sometimes cultural differences arise between them and the localites. It is said that the visitor must respect the local customs, while others debate that the host country should have some tolerance for cultural differences. However, its the moral duty of a visitor to change themselves according to the territory and culture they are visiting. Host country most of the times welcome their guests with a big smile. Sometimes a foreign national might not be acquainted with the local customs and can make mistakes. When a host country welcomes any guest, they should also have the guts to forgive unintentional mistakes. For example, a lot of tourists come to visit the Golden Temple (India). It is a custom to cover the head inside the premises. If by chance, a foreigner doesn't covers his/her's , the local people should not feel offended and instead, should tell that foreigner the importance of covering the head. A host should show

175

the required hospitality and enlighten the visitors about their customs and traditions. However, the responsibility of the visitors should be greater than that of the host. When visitors go in foreign countries, they should adapt themselves according to the needs. They should be prepared , beforehand, not to hurt the sentiments of the locals. A country welcomes guests to promote cultural exchange, not to be insulted or having their culture polluted. When a visitor is visiting a country, they should read about the customs, traditions and other rules of that country and be prepared . For instance, some tourists go to western countries and throw their garbage anywhere on the streets or spit anywhere. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable. A visitor has no right to break the rules of a host country. Unfortunately, the cultural differences result in clashes sometimes. It is the responsibility of both, hosts and visitors, to adapt themselves. However, a host might not be aware of the origin of the visitors. On the other hand, when a visitor can do the effort to go abroad, they should also do a little effort to learn about the region they are going. Nowadays, all the information is available on the internet. If a visitor is confused, they should humbly ask for guidance from the locals and should not behave rudely, which would hurt anyone. Thus, I strongly believe that its the duty of a visitor to camouflage with the region. A host can tolerate minor mistakes, but intentional, disrespecting behaviours isn't acceptable.Tourism is to promote cultures and make others aware of the integrity and tradition of

176

one's own country, not to get their cultures and sentiments , insulted and spoiled. Visitors must respect the cultures and behaviour of the host country. Word count: 479 4-POINT CRITIQUE TASK ACHIEVEMENT You gave a clear introduction and conclusion. You were able to state your stand why visitors should follow the customs of a foreign country. You gave both sides of the coin. However, you could have added another main point to support further your stand. Remove some sentences that are irrelevant to your main point. Your word count is 479 which is too long. Write between 250-265 words only. LEXICAL RESOURCE You have used a good range of vocabulary: “cultural exchange”, “tolerate”, “sentiments”. However, there are some inappropriate word choices: “camouflage”. COHERENCE AND COHESION The essay is generally organized. A good range of connecting utterances were used: however, thus, on the other hand, for instance. GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY There is a good range of grammatical structures:

177

modals: should also do a little effort relative clauses: which would hurt anyone conditionals: if a visitor is confused. But, there are a number of systematic errors: “localites”, “its themoral duty”, “his/her’s”, “behaviours isn’t”. Avoid run-on/longsentences: “If a visitor is confused, they should humbly ask forguidance from the locals and should not behave rudely, whichwould hurt anyone.” ------------- If you want a free IELTS writing makeover, email me [email protected].:)

178


The following essay is from Faruk and he discusses his viewsabout parents being the best teachers.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons andexamples to support youranswer.

Children get education from their families, friends as well as schoolteachers. Some people say that parents are best teachers to theirchildren others disagree. However, whether they are best teachersor not depends on the skills and behaviour of the parentsthemselves. This essay describes this controversial issue.

It is not strange to find some uneducated parents. Such parentsmight be good in social life and could be successful in their career.However, if they did not get proper education, they have less skill toteach their children academically. In addition, some parents are notgood examples to their children. For example, they go into divorcewithout the considering the interests of their children. Children whogrew in a divorced family may be affected negatively. I havewatched many TV documentaries about prisoners in US jails. Mostof the inmates explain that they were abused by parents or raised ina divorced family. Therefore, such parents will not be goodexamples to their children and are not best teachers.

On the other hand, there are many parents who are well educated and follow up the day to day school activities of their children. These

179

parents have always time to help their children in their home worksas well as other academic problems. Since children easily believeand accept what their parents are advising, such children will bemore successful. It is common to listen from successfulprofessional, sports persons, musicians, etc that the main reasonfor their success is the help they got from their parents.

In conclusion, whether parents are best teachers or not depends onthe skills and behaviour of the parents. Those parents who are lesseducated or have bad behaviour are not excellent teachers.

Word Count: 289

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a good introduction and conclusion. Youwere able to give a balanced view on when parents are the bestteachers and when parents aren’t. You gave supporting details tosupport your view. It would be better if you have 5 paragraphs andadd one more main point to strengthen your stand. Word count is289, better reduce your essay 250-265 words only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is fair and needs more complex vocabulary. There is noevidence of idiomatic language.


180

The essay is organized with a good range of connecting utterances:“however”, “therefore”, “on the other hand”, “for example” and “inconclusion”.

Explanation is clear, logical and to the point.


Essay has good range of grammar structures:

Relative clauses: “who are well educated”

Modals: “could be successful”

Perfect tenses: “have watched”

There were some grammar errors: “without the considering”

If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me [email protected]. :P


181


The following essay is from Aiping. The essay discusses aboutthe advantages and disadvantages of extreme sports.

Extreme sports are fun and exciting. They are also dangerous.Should extreme sports be encouraged or discouraged?

Nowadays, more and more people get involved in extreme sports,such as cliff climbing and sky diving; even they know that there aresignificant danger elements inside. However there are many peopledisagreeing this kind of sports because of the contained danger;there are several critical reasons to strongly encourage thesesports.

Firstly, these sports are a kind of challenges in our life. Challenge isan essential term in our life. Without challenge, we will feel our life isdull and boring and just filled by daily activities, while we can getstimulated to meet the challenges. For example, in order to enjoythe extreme sports, we need to take exercise frequently to make ourbody be physically flexible and strong, and learn the facilities.Therefore participation in these sports can keep us physical fit andrenew our knowledge.

Secondly, these sports provide a way for people to develop brevity. Brevity is the ability to face the challenges involved in exploring the domains where we are not familiar, and it is the critical factor for discoveries. Our modern life is the results of lots of new discoveries in geography and sciences. For instance, we all know the impacts of

182

the geographical discovery of America on history, and the discoveryof electric-magnetism in science on the invention oftelecommunications. But if without brevity, Columbus would notcross the wide ocean to get the new world, and Faladi would not runthe first experiment in the risk of life to study electric field. With theconvenience of modern life, there is rare chance for testing anddeveloping our brevity. The extreme sports can provide theopportunity.

Thirdly, these sports motivate the innovation of new technologies.Definitely new facilities are required to participate in these extremesports which will initiative the new technology. For illustration,surfing in ocean encouraged the invention of canvas. The needingof diving accelerates the invention of water-proof cloth. It is clearthat these sports directly facilitate the new inventions.

However, the persons who join in these activities should payattention on their personal safety. To avoid the risks, the methodswhich can increase the safety of these sports should be installed,and moreover cautions and instructions to avoid the risk should betaught and advised to the practisers. Particularly, the coach shouldbe qualified enough to train the sportsmen.

In summary, it is clear that the benefits of extreme sports overcometheir risks, therefore it should be encourage in our modern life. Inmeanwhile, we need to take cautions on the safety risk.

Word Count: 425

4-POINT CRITIQUE

183

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a good introduction and conclusion. Youwere able to give reasons why you encourage extreme sports.However, your word count is 425. Write only between 250-265words. Six paragraphs is too long. Reduce it to five only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are a variety of vocabulary used: innovation, facilitate,stimulated, accelerates. However, there are also inappropriate wordchoices: brevity, term, practisers.


The paragraphs are organized. There are a variety of connectingutterances used: firstly, secondly, thirdly, in summary, however. Theparagraphs are generally logical, however, the fifth paragraph is nolonger necessary. The third paragraph became illogical when youdiscussed about geography.


There are a variety of grammar structures used:

Modals: should be qualified enough

Relative clauses: who join in these activities.

There are some grammar errors: should be encourage, disagreeingthis kind of sports, will initiative, needing, is the results.

184

If you want a writing makeover, email me at [email protected].

185


The following essay is from Abhigyan and he writes aboutemployment and its effects on family life.

Question- In many countries both genders go out of their homes todo jobs spending too much time at work than at home.Does theadvantage of this kind of employment outweigh its bad effects ontheir family life?

The modernization has completely transformed people's perception.In the modern society, both male and female members are goaloriented and do jobs (in many families). Some people say that itsdisadvantageous when both the family members go to do jobs.However, many social reforms and the modern outlook has provedthat both male and female members have the right to follow theirgoals

Most importantly, when both genders go to do job, they providefinancial security to the family. Money is a very important thing,without which basic needs can't be fulfilled. In addition, both thegenders have the right to follow their dreams. In the modern world,both males and females work hard in their academic fields toaccomplish their goals. It would be a waste of time if they don'tfollow their dreams. For instance, how would a girl who worked hardto get a professional degree and is asked to sit at home and takecare of a child? Of course, her dreams would be shattered.

Interestingly, some people believe that women are not as competent as men. This is a myth, far from reality. Time and again,

186

women have proved their mettle. However, when both the gendersspend too much time at workplace, the family life is affected. Theypay less attention to the kids and also their private lives aredisturbed. Moreover, mental stress is developed to balance both thework and the family duties. However, there are many couples whoknow how to balance their lives.Nothing is free in this world,adjustments have to be made. There are numerous advantages ofboth the genders working, while the disadvantages can becontrolled.

Thus, both the genders have the right to work on their goals. Life isall about facing new challenges, and this balancing is one of them.The advantages of the employment trend of both the male andfamily members working surely outweighs the disadvantages whichcan be controlled and dealt with.

Word count: 328

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give a good introduction and good conclusion. Youhave supported your main points with concrete examples. Yourwordcount is 328 which is too long. Reduce your essay to 250-265words.


187

The essay is generally organized with the use of appropriateconnecting markers: "thus", "however", "moreover", "for instance".Improve the structure of your essay by using the five-paragraphformat: Introduction, Advantage 1, Advantage 2, Disadvantage 1,Conclusion.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There is a wide variety of vocabulary used: "mettle", "mental stress","financial security", "goal oriented".


The essay has a good range of grammar structures such as:

Relative clauses: who know how to balance their lives

Modals: have to be made, would be a waste time

Perfect tenses - has completely transformed.

However, there are some grammar errors noted: "have proved" andrun-on sentences such as:

"The advantages of the employment trend of both the male andfamily members working surely outweighs the disadvantages whichcan be controlled and dealt with. "

------------

If you want an IELTS makeover, email me at

188


The following essay comes from Farshid and he talks about richgovernments helping poor nations.

Improvements in health,education and trade are essential for thedevelopment of poorer nations.However ,the governments of richernations should take more responsibility for helping the poorernations in such areas.To what extent do you agree or disagree withthis opinion?

For every country helth ,education and trade are crutial.Everysociety has been tried to develop these issues .But some countrieswere not be able to achieve them in spite of their tries.On the otherhand many countries have succeeded to develop these three vitalthings in their communities .I personally agree with this issue thatdeveloped countries should help developing countries to approachbetter position in health , education and trade , because of uncertainfuture and absorbing dangers from poor countries.

It is not clear that in the future which country will be poor and which one will be rich.In the past centuries ,there were many well-off societies which are not rich now and they are poor ,due to several disasters.if they had helped poor countries ,they would not be poor later.And maybe other countries would help them as a result of being thoughtful,It is sort of interchanging aid. Sometimes others need to be helped by us and sometimes we need them to assist with us.

189

On the other hand ,poor communities have some dangers I theworld and these dangers are global such as the rise of crime andaddiction.It is undeniable that increase of crime will affect the others,and growth of addiction has similar impression.More dangerouscrimes such as drug trafficking are global.if it grows in a countrynear you,it deffenitly will impress on your country.And surely thesedangers are related to poor education,health and trade .

To sume up , I strongly believe that developed countries shouldasses weak societies in order to decrease the number of crimes inthe world and being helped in the future.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give your stand in the issue, however, your mainpoints and examples are weak and do not support your stand. Yourconclusion should also be balanced with the other paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is sometimes repetitive and inappropriate: "develop","impression", "tries", "thoughtful".


190

There is some organization in your essay with the use of transitionwords such as "to sum up", "on the other hand" and "but". However,the essay became illogical when you discussed about crime.


There is a fair range of grammar structures with some errors oncomplex structures such as the passives and conditionals:

"Every society has been tried to develop these issues"

"if they had helped poor countries ,they would not be poor later"

There are a number of spelling errors: deffenitly, sume, crutial, helthand asses.

There are also some run-on sentences:

"In the past centuries ,there were many well-off societies which arenot rich now and they are poor ,due to several disasters.if they hadhelped poor countries ,they would not be poor later."

Other grammar errors: "assist with us", `" dangers I the world".

------------

For a free writing makeover, email me at [email protected].

191


The following essay is from Warapat from Thailand and theessay discusses about the role of parents in molding theirchildren for society.

Some people think that parents should teach children how tobe good members of society. Others, however, believe thatschool is the place to learn this.

Children need to be taught and given guidance so that they cangrow up to be good members of our society. The two greatestinstitutions which hold this responsibility are families and schools.Parents teach children mostly since they are infants until they go toschools, while teachers are close to kids when they are older.Therefore, both of them are responsible to teach children equallybut in different times.

As mentioned, parents are close to children most when they are inyoung ages. The teaching is always direct as it comes with raise.When parents bring children to hospitals they tend to teach childrenwhat disease is or what will happen when children do not want tobrush their teeth. Parents also think it is their job to tell their childrenwhat is right or wrong.

192

On the other hand, teachers are likely to close to children when theyare teenagers. As in this time, children become strained from theirparents and like to spend more time with their friends or at schools.Apart from teaching academic knowledge, teachers are involvedwith teaching children in indirect ways. Teachers guide childrenthrough the award/punishment system more than telling themdirectly how to behave. Teachers will give marks or complimentswhen children do something good like picking up trash or get perfectscores. However, children will be punished if they have fights withothers.

In conclusion, children are the future members in the society. Theirbehaviors heavily depend on what they have learnt in childhood. Asa result, parents and teachers' teachings reflect our future society.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving both sides of the coin.You gave a good introduction and made a clear conclusion of yourpoint of view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied e.g. "institutions", "strained" , "academicknowledge". However, there are some wrong word choices e.g.award = reward.

193


The organization is clear and logical. You used a variety oftransition words such as "as mentioned", "on the other hand", "inconclusion".


There are some grammar errors found: "comes with raise", "to closewith children".

---------------------------------------

For more information about the IELTS writing makeover, email meat [email protected]


194


The following essay was written by Julia from Malaysia. Here areher thoughts on today's generation vs. parents' generation.

Every generation of people is different in important ways. How isyour generation different from your parents' generation? Usespecific examples to explain your answer.

Generation to generation evolved in terms of education,awareness and life concept. Thus, there are many contradictopinion over an issue between different generation. I usuallyexperience this when discussing my future plan with my parentswho happened to be classified as baby boomers generation. Thecommon arguments between us linger between the benefit oftechnology and women's career development.

As a generation Y, I appreciate the tremendous benefits broughtby the technology to us. I counted this as blessing in my life.However, my parents do not feel the same way as I do. Theyperceived technology as a burden because they analyzed it in termof cost and complexity of the features in every technology born tothis world. They strongly suggest that life would be a lot easier andsimpler without the present of technology, which is definitely absurdto my generation. This is obvious evident how my parents'generation is different from my generation.

195

Second issue that always heat up our discussion is women'scareer development. Both of my parents are still indulgedthemselves with glass ceiling phenomenon whereby they believedwomen has barrier to advancement in a profession and thus, leadthem to second orthodox perception which is a sticky floorsyndrome. They strongly advised me that women are only suitableto certain type of job such as nurse, teacher and clerk instead ofengineer, doctors and entrepreneur. I, on the other hand, againstthis mind set and strongly feel this perception is ridiculous. Afteranalyzing this, it is clear that each generation is different than oneanother.

In conclusion, older generation my be a bit rigid towards changesthat today brings as compared to younger generation. However, tolive in harmony, a person should always compromise and try toagree to disagree.

Word count: 298

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to discuss two differences between your generationand your parents' generation. The introduction and conclusion needwork. Remove the example in the introduction. Then, summarize allthe differences in your conclusion. Your word count is 298, reduce itto 250-265 words.

196

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied, however, there is too much wordiness: glassceiling phenomenon, second orthodox perception, sticky floorsyndrome.


There is a variety of transition words used: however, on the otherhand, in conclusion, thus. The essay is generally clear andorganized but it would be better to use the 5-paragraph format. Addone more difference between your parents' generation and yourgeneration.


There are a number of grammar errors found: contradict opinion,different generation, present of technology, heat up, women hasbarrier, against this mindset. Avoid long sentences: Both of myparents are still indulged themselves with glass ceiling phenomenonwhereby they believed women has barrier to advancement in aprofession and thus, lead them to second orthodox perceptionwhich is a sticky floor syndrome.

197

For more information about the IELTS makeover, email me [email protected]

198


The following is an essay written by Sujittra from Thailand. Shediscusses whether talents are born or they can be taught.

Topic It is generally believed that some people are born with certaintalents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However,it is sometimes claimed that any children can be taught to become asports person or musician.

Talents are the topic that is interesting among people especiallysome people believe children are born with definite gifts for examplefor sport and music. However, others think children can learn to bea professional musician and sports man without talents. In thisessay, I will explain both of view. Personally, I am of an opinion thatthis is the case, although I am aware also that not everyone wouldagree with this opinion.

Most people think the excellent athletes or the professionalinstrumentalists already have with born baby. For example,Betrothed who has been the famous musical is deaf but he couldplay piano because he had more talent. Moreover, some gift personwho can do something more special than normal person come fromtheir gene which indicate the success story of them such as strongbody, smart brain or artistic mind.

199

However, some people think success sports or musicians comefrom much more leaning and practicing. Importantly, it depends onan interesting and an attention also. Particularly, it should besupported by their parents. In my opinion, although some childrenhave more talent in sport but they lack of encouraging or practicing,they will lose it soon. Conversely, if some children have more effortsand supports by adults, they will be success in the future.

In conclusion, in my opinion we should not bring talent topic tolimit the chance of human improvement. As one can see the readinginformation presented, I still personally believe that we should openevenly the window of opportunities for every person in this world:girls or boys, teenagers or older, disabilities or normal and talent orinability. If we deal this issue effectively, it will have a positive effecton the fabric of our society.

Word count: 293

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You explained both sides of the issue. However, some examples are inaccurate e.g. Bethroted. Your conclusion was illogical and you didn't make clear your personal stand on the issue. Word count is

200

193. Reduce it to 250-265 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There is an attempt to use idiomatic language e.g. fabric of oursociety, window of opportunities. Wordiness is an issue in youressay as there are a number of empty phrases found.


Essay is organized through the use of transition words: however, inconclusion, for example, moreover. However, some sentences areunclear e.g. Personally, I am of an opinion that this is the case,although I am aware also that not everyone would agree with thisopinion.


There are a number of grammar errors found: "talents are the topicthat is", "both of view", "some gift person", "their gene whichindicate", "supports", "be success". Revise the following run-onsentences:

201

-Particularly, it should be supported by their parents. In my opinion,although some children have more talent in sport but they lack ofencouraging or practicing, they will lose it soon.

- As one can see the reading information presented, I still personallybelieve that we should open evenly the window of opportunities forevery person in this world: girls or boys, teenagers or older,disabilities or normal and talent or inability.

For more information about the IELTS Makeover, email me [email protected].

202


The following essay was written by Moka. He writes about theadvantages and disadvantages of computers.

Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance thana help in today's world. Others feel that they are suchindispensable tools that they would not be able to live or workwithout them.

• In what ways are computers a hindrance?

• What is your opinion?

In recent times,computers have invaded most of,if not all, ourdailylife.Computer applications are used worldwide in educationsectors,health sectors,banks and even in different types of stores.

The rapid invasion of computers and their applications has not beenquite welcomed by some people,who believe that their drawbackshas exceeded their benefits.Hence,such persons considercomputers to be more a barrier than a help at the present time.

Computers may rob people's time and this is especially true in adolescents ,who prefer to spend hours infront of computer games where they are always heroes.This does not only waste their precious time ,but may also create adults, who may be

203

self-focused,unsociable and uncreative.The negative effect of longcomputer hours on the health of the viewers is also tremendous,either on the eyes or on the neck and back.Online shopping ,thougheasier and time saving ,definitely encourages people to be morelazy .They may prefer online ordering rather than walking to theirlocal shops.

In my opinion,Computers do have their advantages anddisadvantages, but some people tend to focus on either sides.Ibelieve, that we should respect all the achievements of thecomputers in the medical ,dental and engineering fields.Not tomention the ease of collecting information on a certain topic ,thoughnot always reliable.Communication with friends ,peers or even workcolleagues through electronic mails is faster and more economicalcompared with the traditional means.Therefore,it is all aboutmoderation and proper usage of computers and it should be alwayskept in mind that it is a tool, which could be used to improve our lifeif not over or misused

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to justify your opinion about the advantages anddisadvantages of computers. You cited concrete examples tosupport your views.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

204

You have a wide range of vocabulary: online ordering, tremendous,drawbacks, applications. You were able to use a number ofidiomatic language: rob people's time, invaded our life.


There were some transition words used: but, hence, therefore, andthough. Points are generally clear, however, the structure needsimprovement. Better to use the five-paragraph format:

Introduction

Body Paragraph 1 – Advantage 1

Body Paragraph 2 – Advantage 2

Body Paragraph 3 – Disadvantage 1

Conclusion


There are only a few grammar mistakes found: "drawbacks has"and some unnecessary commas. You showed a wide range ofgrammar structures such as perfect tenses, passives, modal verbs.

If you want to have an IELTS makeover, email me [email protected].

205


The following essay was written by Waddi from Myanmar. Shedescribes the reasons why people resist change and providessolutions.

Q: People naturally resist making changes in their lives. What kindsof problems can this cause? What solution can you suggest?

In this twenty-first century, as the world develops in many ways,people have to face the changes in their life both in positive andnegative ways. Generally, people have the ability to tolerate thechanges, but unavoidably suffer more or less from those changes.

It can be described as the main difficult that have to overcome ismental problems. If someone meets unacceptable changes in life,he or she may feel unprotective, down-heated or unsafeconsequently, may also experience nightmares which lead tohealth-related problems. There is also another changes, forinstance people who leave their country and going abroad mightface social problems like culture shocks and have a feeling ofloneliness in the new environment. Basically, the cause of theseproblems is that people cannot accept the changes immediately.

In my opinion, people should be flexible to adjust with the changes. A good idea would be to take part in social activities or make friends to hang out, and eventually they will find themselves as a part of the new society. A future step is to cure mentally by meditation or doing something like watch television or listening to the music that can

206

relax their mind. Furthermore, they should think the changes areopportunities to try new things, new knowledge and experience. Themost important of all, People must not give up when they meetchanges and should try to adapt.

To conclude, changes always exist in daily life and they make usstronger more persistent, more self-confident, and more patient.People should think these changes as the steps to reach a betterlife even they are not the positive ones. By putting that thought intheir mind, it can be said that they have already half-won thedifficulties and can successfully overcome the effects of thechanges.

Word count: 300

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to discuss why people resist changes and givesolutions to the problem. You gave concrete examples to supportyour views.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is fair with some wrong word choices: unprotective,down-heated.

207


There are some transition words used: to conclude, basically,furthermore. Ideas are generally clear and logical. Organizationneeds improvement by using the five-paragraph format.


Some grammar errors found: main difficult that have, anotherchanges. There are also problems in parallelism: watch televisionand listening to music; leave their country and going abroad.

If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me [email protected].

208


The following essay was written by Malni. He discusses about thepros and cons of fixed punishment.

Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments foreach type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstancesof an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, shouldalways be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Crime is an action which is illegal according to the law in the countrycommitted by a single person or a group of people who are a threatto the community. Illegal Activities such as robberies, murders, rapecases and briberies are some of severe crimes which are rampantand have become the headlines of the country today. There arerules and regulations in the law to decide the punishment for eachcrime in order to minimize the number of crimes to establish a calmand peaceful environment.

If each and every crime has assigned a fixed punishment then due to the awareness of the severity of the punishment the criminal who expects to commit a crime will not involve himself in the crime because of the fear to be punished. Therefore it is a successful method to reduce the number of crimes. But it will be a actually

209

injustice for a person who had committed a crime for self defensebecause it can not be considered as crime as it was unintentionallydone by the person. If such person is given a punishment such asdeath sentence then an innocent person will lost his life and it willaffect his family adversely.

Before deciding that the culprit is a criminal or not there should bestage to argue the circumstances of the crime and motivation ofcommitting the crime because most of the time the culprit had doneit unintentionally. Frequent road accidents are good illustrations forit since the drivers are not killers actually. But several people maylost their lives due to the fault of the driver and therefore it become asevere crime which result in a punishment such as to be in the jailfor rest of the life.

Therefore in point of view having fixed punishments for each type ofcrime is important for a country with the flexibility of altering the finaldecision after a careful consideration of the circumstances and themotivations of a crime in order to release the innocent and punishthe culprit for setting up a peaceful environment.

Word count: 349

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave your arguments on the importance of weighing thecircumstances of the crime first. However, the conclusion isinconsistent with the above arguments. Your word count is also 349,reduce it to 250-265 words only.

210

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Some of the words are repetitive: each and every crime, therefore inpoint of view, culprit is a criminal, rules and regulations in the law.There are also empty phrases which do not add value to the essay.


There are some transition words used but they are repetitive:therefore, in order to, but. Organization needs improvement byusing five paragraphs.


There are a number of grammar errors found: every crime hasassigned, will lost, affect his family adversely, may lost, it become,which result. Avoid also run-on sentences such as the last sentencein your essay.

--------------------


211


The following essay was written by Salma. She explains herthoughts on rich nations providing for the poor nations.

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth amongpoorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Oris it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to lookafter their

citizens themselves?

Countries all over the world differ not only in their languages orgeographical places ,but also in their wealth.Some countries arefortunate enough to have natural resources,which definitely helpthem to be rich.On the other hand,other countries are too heavilypopulated to depend on their own resources thus,becoming poorernations.

212

It is a frequent argument whether it is the responsibility of thericher societies to help the poorer ones ,or it is the soleresponsibility of their own governments. Contributions may not necessarily be provided as donations but they could be food,clothes or even educational scholarships.

I strongly agree,that life will be much easier and more pleasant ifpeople help each other.Supplying poorer countries with theiressentials and working together to raise the standard of living willcertainly have its positive impact on both the fortune-less and theposh societies .Children living under poverty andlow socio-economical circumstances may grow hating other richercountries which could have helped them,but did not.Thus ,a newgeneration full of despiseand hatred to high socioeconomic population will develop.

Many rich countries suffer from the enormous amount of food wastethey have to get rid of,whereas food shortage is one of the maincauses of death in vast areas of Africa.So, food donations from thericher regions to the poorer ones could be a very wise solution toboth sides.

Many of the tax payers in the wealthy countries blame the government of the poor areas , claiming it should be their prime

213

responsibility to take care of their citizens .However,Such payersignore the fact, that it is not always affordable to meet the people'sneed when the resources are very restricted and the necessity ofthe external help is unavoidable.Moreover,tax payers may be tooblind to visualize the positive outcome of such help on their own richcountries. It is not uncommon,to find a lot of highly skilled workersmoving from the developing countries to the developed ones,wherethey fill vital work gaps.

I could not be more certain,that life is all about sharing and that itwill be tasteless and valueless, if someone has everything andanother has nothing.What is more fascinating is that the outcome isusually fruitful for those who grant and those who are granted.

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to clearly give your arguments why rich nationsshould provide for the poor nations. You gave supporting details toprove your point.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a wide range of vocabulary: prime, restricted, socio-economic, posh. There is evidence of idiomatic language: payers may be too blind. However, it would be better to use

214

less-fortunate rather than fortuneless.


Points raised were clear and logical. You used a variety of transitionwords: moreover, thus, so, on the other hand. It would also be goodto include transition words to link paragraphs. You can also improveon organization by limiting your essay to five paragraphs.


There are only minor errors in terms of grammar particularly onpunctuation. Remove commas where it is unnecessary.


215


The following essay was written by Salma. She explains herthoughts on rich nations providing for the poor nations.

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth amongpoorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Oris it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to lookafter their citizens themselves?

Countries all over the world differ not only in their languages orgeographical places ,but also in their wealth.Some countries arefortunate enough to have natural resources,which definitely helpthem to be rich.On the other hand,other countries are too heavilypopulated to depend on their own resources thus,becoming poorernations.

It is a frequent argument whether it is the responsibility of the richersocieties to help the poorer ones ,or it is the sole responsibility oftheir own governments. Contributions may not necessarily beprovided as donations but they could be food ,clothes or eveneducational scholarships.

I strongly agree,that life will be much easier and more pleasant if people help each other.Supplying poorer countries with their essentials and working together to raise the standard of living will certainly have its positive impact on both the fortune-less and the posh societies .Children living under poverty and low socio-economical circumstances may grow hating other richer

216

countries which could have helped them,but did not.Thus ,a newgeneration full of despise and hatred to high socioeconomicpopulation will develop.

Many rich countries suffer from the enormous amount of food wastethey have to get rid of,whereas food shortage is one of the maincauses of death in vast areas of Africa.So, food donations from thericher regions to the poorer ones could be a very wise solution toboth sides.

Many of the tax payers in the wealthy countries blame thegovernment of the poor areas , claiming it should be their primeresponsibility to take care of their citizens .However,Such payersignore the fact, that it is not always affordable to meet the people'sneed when the resources are very restricted and the necessity ofthe external help is unavoidable.Moreover,tax payers may be tooblind to visualize the positive outcome of such help on their own richcountries. It is not uncommon,to find a lot of highly skilled workersmoving from the developing countries to the developed ones,wherethey fill vital work gaps.

I could not be more certain,that life is all about sharing and that itwill be tasteless and valueless, if someone has everything andanother has nothing.What is more fascinating is that the outcome isusually fruitful for those who grant and those who are granted.

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to clearly give your arguments why rich nations should provide for the poor nations. You gave supporting details to

217

prove your point.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a wide range of vocabulary: prime, restricted,socio-economic, posh. There is evidence of idiomatic language:payers may be too blind. However, it would be better to useless-fortunate rather than fortuneless.


Points raised were clear and logical. You used a variety of transitionwords: moreover, thus, so, on the other hand. It would also be goodto include transition words to link paragraphs. You can also improveon organization by limiting your essay to five paragraphs.


There are only minor errors in terms of grammar particularly onpunctuation. Remove commas where it is unnecessary.

-------------


218


The following essay is from Ahmed and he discusses aboutspending on health education.

"Prevention is better than cure." Out of a country's health budget, alarge proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending onhealth education and preventative measures.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

I totatlly agree that ,prevention is better than cure.There is usuallyan enormous amount of health budget directed to the treatment ofvarious diseases affecting different age groups of thepopulation.Unfortunately,a smaller budget goes to the healtheducation and preventative measures.

In recent times,causes to common diseases have beendiscovered,but the efforts were not enough to eradicate them.It isquite agreeable that ,obesity ,for example is the main cause of heartdiseases as well as certain types of cancer.Smoking is anotherhabit, which costs the countries a huge amount of money.It is theprincipal cause of not only lung cancer ,but also other fataldiseases.

219

Prevention of diseases is the ultimate solution to sparing the healthand money of any nation.Educating school-age children about theconsequences of living an unhealthy lifestyle may have a postiveimpact on their prospective health.Advertisement in the differentmedia should encourage young adults to spending their leisure timein sport rather than, sitting infront of the screen most of the day.

Curing serious and long term diseases,which usually result fromsedentary and unhealthy life style,may be a long and frustratingjourney.Most of the budget of the national health service usuallygoes to the expensive treatments ,which could have been avoidedby proper awareness.

Prevention of diseases will have a very postive effect on the wholesociety.It is not limitted to the financial savings but rather to theeconomical value on the whole society,where people who areseriously ill receive benefits for them and theirfamilies.Hence,creating a generation who is more consuming thanproducing.It is certainly worth ,supporting the preventativemeasures by all means.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a good introduction and conclusion where you made clearyour stand. However, the supporting details are weak which do notprove why government should spend more on prevention.

220

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You demonstrated good range of vocabulary: obesity, eradicate,sedentary, consuming.


There are a few transition words found: but, hence, for example.The paragraphs are generally organized but needs morecoherence. Some examples are illogical.


There are some spelling errors: postive, limitted. There are someerrors in punctuation particularly unnecessary commas.

For a free IELTS makeover, email me at [email protected].

221


The following essay was written by Yusuf and he discussesabout the changes in the position of women over the years.

The position of women in society has changed markedly in thelast twenty years. Many of the problems young people nowexperience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the factthat many married women now work and are not at home tocare for their children.

In recent times,women have been facing increased challenges in allfields.They are not only criticized at work,but also at home.Theyhave been accused of being fully responsible for the prospectivebehaviour of their own children.This does not only apply to singleparent mothers,but also to families with both parents.

I tend to disagree that all working mothers can not take care of theirchildren. Parenthood should not be the sole responsibility of oneparent only,but unfortunately mums are usually to be blamedwhenever their offsprings fall in trouble.

There are certain jobs, which are dominated by women due to theirmotherly caring nature as in teaching,nursing or even socialwokers.A lot of them are a real inspiration to the younggeneration,so it is totally unfair to contribute mother's work to thenegativity which may be found in young adults.

222

Mothers who are working ,may not have other alternatives toearning money especially in single parent families.Also,the workexperience as well as the sociable skills accomplished will certainlyhave a postive impact on the self esteem of such females who canthus serve as better mums.

I strongly believe that the quality of time spent with the children ismuch more valuable than the quantity itself.A lot of housewives mayleave their kids infront of the TV ,the computers orvideogames.Hence they are passively contributing in bringing themup.

On the other hand,many of the female full timers or part timers areintelligent enough to manage and plan their time efficiently.Believingin the significant value of the limited hours they spend with theirsons and daughters,will definitely push them to plan many events inadvance and to make the best of it.So,it is not unusual to find themsharing their children or even teens in reading or even playingoutdoor .

Consequently,the length of time spent by women at home couldnever be the only factor considered to predict the juvenile sociablebehaviour.The amount of attention these youngsters are getting isabsolutely more influencing on both the short and the long terms.Inother words ,a dedicated mother could be a working mother or ahousewife.

Word count: 354

4-POINT CRITIQUE

223

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give strong arguments supporting the position ofwomen, however, your word count is 354. Reduce the number ofwords between 250-265 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: dominated, juvenile, passively, alternatives.


There are a number of transition words used: consequently, hence,so, also, but. Organization needs work as there are too manyparagraphs. Stick to only 5 paragraphs.


There are some spelling errors: postive, wokers.

For a free makeover, email me at [email protected]

224


The following essay was written by Ajith. He talks about the future ofthe DVD market.

A lot of films are now strictly made for the DVD market and soon wewill be able to download films directly from the internet.

Answer:

A film which combines both audio and video to express a story isfrequently used by the people for recreation. They prefer to watchmovies as a habit or a hobby. As the DVD market has taken majorchanges recently, they are lucky to buy a film which is encoded in aDVD to fulfill their entertaining needs.

However, the technical development which assists to create animmense number of films in a short period can be considered as themain reason for this availability. The production of cartoon films withgood standard and high quality is the best example whichextensively illustrates the effect of technology towards the filmmaking.

On one hand, this entails in many opportunities for the people toenjoy various films after a good selection as they are inexpensiveand rampant. This situation enables them to watch a movie flexiblyat home in any convenient time rather than going to a cinema whichmay be obsolete due to mal-maintenance.

225

On the other hand, the consequences may be undesirable becausechildren who are not deserve to watch films which are labeled as"Adults Only" will practice to see them using the computers as asolution for the oppose of their guardians. Furthermore It decreasesthe number of the people who go to the cinema resulting a hugebreak down in the cinema industry.

However in the near future there will be a facility to download themovies via internet as our wish because even now we can see areal time film using a high speed internet connection. It will solve theproblematic situations which people have to face when they want tosee original film with better sound and obvious scenes. This willresult in a new arising in the film production industry.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give good arguments to support your position. Youprovided sufficient supporting details to expand your views.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: consequences, facility, high speed internetconnection, availability.


Essay structure is organized and clear with the use of appropriate transition words: on one hand, however, furthermore, on the other

226

hand.


There are some grammar errors: "who are not deserve", "a newarising", "for the oppose of their guardians" and "mal-maintenance".

For a free makeover, email me at [email protected].

227


The following essay was written by Melorin. He discusses aboutfreedom of expression.

Question: creative artists should always be given the freedom toexpress their own ideas(in words, pictures,music or film) inwhichever way they wish.There should be no governmentrestrictions on what they do.

In some countries like Iran government decides about the subjectsthat artists should work on. However, this is the right of the artists tocreate their masterpiece as it is, and without any kind of censorship.

From my point of view freedom must be returned to the society ofartists. They should express their feelings by the means of theirgifted skills. If someone forces them to create their crafts in aparticular subject,their artistic production will not be natural andmeaningful anymore.

For example political issues must not be forbidden in movies,stories, poetry, cartoons, and so on. Nude sculptures and paintingsalso should not be banned by political organizations.As they allshow the feelings and art of a nation or at least a group of people.

Musical items must be free as well.the country's policy must not prohibit playing them due to religious reasons. Since music is one of the most delightful ways of sharing inner potentials with listeners. Both listeners and producers of the music share their feelings by

228

playing it. One plays the instruments and the other plays the button.One speaks the notes language and the other speaks the bodylanguage, I mean dance.

To conclude, all aspects of art should be allowed to exist in anysubject and by any tools that their creator wishes. Thus people willfeel free to share their opinions and open the window of their heartsto public. For instance if someone feels like criticizing the politics bydrawing cartoons, they should not take him to jail.This can also beuseful for improving the rules and policy if the politicians care abouttheir ideas in order to develop.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You only gave one main reason why creative expression should beencouraged. The 3rd and 4th paragraph started with examplesinstead of topic sentences.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Some vocabulary words are repetitive: play, feel, free. There aresome inappropriate word choice: musical items.


There are a number of transition words used: however, for example,to conclude, thus, for instance. Essay is generally organized withthe use of the 5-paragraph format.

229


There are some grammatical errors: "in some countries like Irangovernment decides" and missing commas.

-----------------


230


The following essay is from Sujitra from Thailand. The essaydiscusses the influence of advertising on higher sales of consumerproducts.

Topic :

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect thepower of advertising and not the real needs of the society inwhich they are sold.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, some people believe advertising have much moreimpact to consumer behavior. Particularly, it persuades them to buyluxuries goods that are not necessary for their life. However, othersthink the advertising is not the main factor which makes peopleconsume popular consumer goods. In this essay, I discuss both ofview, although I am also aware that every one would agree with thisopinion.

On the one hand, some people think TV advertising has not mucheffect for buyers. This is because people in this age receive muchinformation which makes them have enough analytical thinking.Consequently, they can use it to distinguish advantages ordisadvantages results. Apparently, when people watch TV which ispromoting consumer goods, they will think twice and check detailsof products such as quality, price or durability before deciding tobuy.

231

On the other hand, others believe advertising have much morepower that can convince people to purchase goods even it is notnecessary for their life. In my opinion, the main purpose ofadvertisement is sailing, so it will try every way which make peoplepay money to buy them. It appears that some people use the brandname bag which is very expensive especially its function is notdifferent from an ordinary bag. However, the advertising issuccessful to convince consumers even some people will be adebtor.

In conclusion, in my opinion, people should realize that while we arebuying luxuries, there are many people have not money to buyfoods for supporting their life. Moreover, the goods which is notresponse our real needs, they will be the waste that makes pollutionfor our world in the future.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You discussed both views about the power of advertising's influenceon high sales of consumer goods. However, the conclusion isillogical and doesn't reflect the main points in your body.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some words which are redundant e.g. pay money to buythem. There are also some words which are wrongly used: sailing.


232

You've made use of transition words such as “however”, “on onehand”, “on the other hand”, “in conclusion”. Paragraphs aregenerally organized but add one more paragraph to make use of the5-paragraph format.


There are some awkward sentences and subject-verb errors whichneed revision:

there are many people have not money to buy foods forsupporting their life;

the goods which is not response our real needs.

---------


RESOURCES FOR IELTS TAKERS

Documents

Transcript of RESOURCES FOR IELTS TAKERS