Let's Talk about Endings A document to help parents, children ...

Let’s Talk about Endings

A document to help parents, children and groups commemorate andcelebrate endings, change and what-might-have-beens.

From Helping Families

By Saskia Joss and Zara Kadir

Endings and our reaction to them areoften tightly intertwined with manyprevious and seemingly unrelatedexperiences. When we worktherapeutically with children andadolescents, it is not uncommon to startwith the ending. By doing this, we giveourselves the best possible chance ofmanaging the end of the relationship aswell as the sessions in a safe, containedand empathetic manner. When we have negative experiences ofendings, we develop coping strategies toprotect ourselves in the future. Forexample, if, as a child, you had anunreliable parent that came and went, youmight find that as you are confronted withendings, you withdraw by means of self-preservation. When we face an ending, weare often thrown back into a mental stateconnected to other endings we haveexperienced in our lifetimes.

When our children are displaying angerand hurt or begin hiding things, stealing,lying, being sad all the time, struggling withfriends, being disobedient or rude, it maywell be in response to a difficult ortraumatic ending. There are many types of endings, those wecan prepare for, those we cannot andthose which appear to be far more about anew beginning.

Leaving primary school for secondaryschool

Moving house

A sibling leaving home

A friend moving away

A family member becoming unwell(this may be the end of life as it wasbefore)

A parent gets a job out of town

Groups or activities shutting down

ENDINGS TO PREPARE FORWHERE POSSIBLE

End of the school year

End of university, qualification orproject

Birthdays of loved ones (particularlyif deceased)

End of positive experiences (end of agreat summer camp)

End of a positive relationship(teachers, friendships, partners)

ENDINGS TO CELEBRATE ORSEE AS A NEW BEGINNING

Special family days that used to involvesomeone who cannot be there anymore

Anniversary of death and birthdays -depending on family values

Watching sports finals as a family

Major losses such as the death of pets,family members and divorce

ENDINGS TO COMMEMORATEOR GRIEVE(THIS COULD BE EACH YEAR)

copyright Saskia Joss & Zara Kadir ©

It is important to note that everyoneexperiences these scenarios differently.Just because you may not see movinghouse as an ending does not mean that itbeing experienced as one is wrong orinaccurate. We should always aim to givemeaning to one another's encounters.

Gestalt Therapy makes the statement thatall experiences and feelings are cyclical.

We can use this model to imagine whatmight happen with endings. Imagine youare in a fulfilling and nurturing relationshipand then your partner tells you they wantto break up. You were in the middle of asatisfying set of cycles that met your needsin many different ways and all of a sudden,it is taken away from you beyond yourcontrol. You have no idea how to get to theend of the cycle and feel better andsatisfied. This can happen when you haveto leave a school you loved, when a dreamhas to be discarded, when a friend movesaway. We are left wholly unsatisfied. Wecan reclaim our endings and take back thepower to control our sensations, actionsand satisfaction.

Our aim for this guideis to help youfacilitate yourchildren’s emotionalexpression as well asoffering practicalideas to help theprocess along.


I encourage you now to think about howyou deal with endings and goodbyes. Doyou tend to keep in touch with everyone orsever ties completely? Do you feel anxiousas the end approaches or excited aboutwhat is to come? Are there any childrenthat spring to mind as you begin to explorethis line of thinking? With young childrenwe are aiming to do two main things withregard to endings: one, we want to modelappropriate feelings to our children aboutendings and two, show them that lifecontinues positively in spite of endings.

In any ending situation we must show ourchildren what kinds of feelings would bepossible for them to feel. Are theydisappointed, sad, angry, proud, lost,lonely, fine, positive, hopeful? We can askthem and show other possibilities. We canuse open-ended questions like.

Well, if my friend was moving away I would feel really sad because wecouldn’t spend time with each other, a little bit angry with her parents fortaking her away and a little worried about who I will hang out with atschool… are you feeling any of those things?

What is your favourite part of this newthing?What would you change about thissituation? This helps create a ‘narrative memory’ sothat when they look back at their past,they’ll have a well-rounded recollection ofthis important time. We can then offer them an example ofwhat they might be experiencing. Try saying something like…

Modelling feelings about endings

This will help your child to start thinking and verbalising their experience.


It is important to help young peopleprocess their memories so that they arenot left as traumatic, misunderstood ormisremembered. It could be as simple asexplaining to them what you feel hashappened.

Try saying something like…

One minute you’re entering your final year of school with the worry ofGCSEs but the excitement of the summer holidays and college ahead.Then, before you know it, you’re in lockdown at home with no idea whenyou’ll next see your friends and if you’ll ever take your exams!

We may also need to help a child find a safe way to express angry feelings, could theypunch a pillow? Could we all go outside and shout in the garden? Could we write an angryletter that we won’t actually send? We are looking to diffuse their behaviour while givingtime for their feelings.

We are also trying to show children that whatever ending has happened, life will continueand we will have adventures and other moments of happiness and excitement. We can usecelebrations and rituals as a way to show children (and ourselves) that whatever occurs wecan always give ourselves something to look forward to.

Memory processing


Why not try… • Making a timetable of events so thatyour children know what is going tohappen and when

• Making a send-off box with all of theperson's favourite things to take withthem to the new place

• Make a time capsule

• Make cards and letters

• Organise a weekly/monthly Facetimedate to chat to keep in contact

• Send photos between the families

• Have a party to celebrate thefriendship

• Get each other presents

• Write a letter to your house thankingit for all the good times

• Make a list of new things you wouldlike to have in your new house andthen pick one to be there when youarrive

• Plan a housewarming party

• Get your child prepared for their newschool with school uniform and thingsthey need early

Try to organise logistics early, giveyour children time to ask questionsand remind them of the new andpositive things even if they are notready to hear about them yet.

Practical ending ideas

Endings to prepare for (if possible)

2-10Endings age

In all of these situations, there should be atleast a few weeks to prepare our child forthe changes and ending may bring.


Why not try…

• making a photo book of any photos ofthe experience

• plan an ending performance or show

• give a certificate or a medal ofparticipation

• hold a reunion

• make food you used to eat with aperson or in a place

• hold a ritual event like end-of-yearmovie night or end-of-project picnic

• make cards and presents for theperson who is not there and read themout

• meet up one more time with an ex-teacher to share only positivememories

Endings to make time to celebrate

In these easy and positive endings, modelcelebrating the good times and giving spacefor positive memories.

Try to think of ways to celebrate toshow your children endings and changeare not all bad and can actually besavoured and enjoyed.


"I may regret the way we ended, but I willnever regret what we had."

- Drake

Why not try...

• Saying a prayer for that person atbedtime

• Reading a book of bedtime storiesabout the person

• Planting a tree or build a benchoutside where any family member cango to talk to them or think about them

• Having a box that your kids can writequestions in for you to answer aboutthe person when they come up

• Having a special outing tocommemorate the person each year.

• Singing or play their favourite songs

Endings to commemorate(this could be each year)

This section of ending is focused on endingsthat are inherently sad, but can betransformed through ritual or experiencesinto a positive memory, a person or anevent.


"The best endings resonate becausethey echo a word, phrase, or image

from earlier in the story, and the readeris prompted to think back to that

reference and speculate on a deepermeaning."

- James Plath

"It is always important to know whensomething has reached its end. Closing

circles, shutting doors, finishingchapters, it doesn't matter what we

call it; what matters is to leave in thepast those moments in life that are

over."- Paulo Coelho

Why not try…

• setting up a den in your home thatyou can all meet in to cuddle withoutany need to go anywhere or doanything

• having time each week to talk aboutall the feelings of the week

• give your child a diary to write downtheir feelings

• give them a choice to talk or not talk,to spend the evening close or for timealone

• surround your child with others whoalso love them, think of nice things todo to look forward to

• give your children a photo book or aniPad with video memories• write letters

• plant a memory garden and paintstones with memories

• ask your children how they would liketo grieve, celebrate or remember

Endings to grieveMajor losses need time to grieveGrief is a pain that doesn't ever disappear,the loss of a close family member or theloss of stability or normality in one’s lifealways remain in the body. LaurenHerschel’s analogy of the ball in the jarstates, the grief is like a ball in a small jar. Atthe beginning of our grief, the ball takes upall the space in the jar the way that the grief,shock and sadness take up the space in ourlife, which means it is very hard to doanything without being overcome withsadness and pain. Over time the size of ourcapacity for other thoughts, feelings andactivities increases. The loss is still there butwe are more able to bear it.

To help our children pass through thispainful part and help them move to themore positive and productive parts of life,we have to give them space to be sad orangry or any of the other feelings that maycome up for them. It is common for people to grievedifferently. One person may immersethemselves in memories and photographs,whilst another might need some spaceaway from the reminders. Both of these arenormal and fine but what it might mean, isthat parents cannot help one another withtheir grief. If you find this to be the case, talkto your partner about this and come upwith a plan as to how to support thechildren through this difficult time.

If you are struggling to support yourchild as you are also grieving, speak toyour GP about therapy or support foryou or your child.


11-18• Create a calendar with as much noticeas possible so that the children have avisual guide of the time remaining. Youcan be as creative as you like – you couldhave a wall of football stickers or anyother sport, pop star, video game or TVshow that they’re into and everyweek/month/lesson, take one off thewall and put it in a box. Alternatively,you could have a wall chart that getscrossed off. Whatever it is, find a way tomake it engaging with your ‘audience’.

• Tell them what may happen as theending approaches – perhaps thetimetable will change or exams andassessments will be the focus. Howmight the children feel?

• Acknowledge the difference in how wetolerate these times. Some children maythrive with the excitement of a newbeginning while others may feel anxious.All of this is normal and OK!

• What can they now do that theycouldn’t before? It is likely that this willnot be the same for everyone and that’sto be expected. Some children may haveprogressed in ways that are not as easilyquantifiable. For example, a once shychild may now have a full social life andthis is as much of a part of theireducation as their academicachievements.

• Have a ‘Goodbye Session’

• Ask all pupils to bring a blank notebookor card for their peers to write a messagein.

• Write a summary letter with them ofthe work you have done together andhow they have changed.

AgesPractical Ending Ideas

Start with the ending Acknowledge mile stones and achievements


Say “Hello” as well as “Goodbye”

• What new beginnings are there to lookforward to or prepare for? Some of thechildren will be given new autonomy andfreedom which is both exciting andscary. Will they be travellingindependently to and from school orresponsible for their own meals?Address their concerns with a messageof empowerment!

Crowd source a playlist

• Ask everyone from your class to writedown a song that sums up their year orhas a message they relate to and puttogether a playlist for the last week/day.Perhaps you could find the time todiscuss why they chose that particularsong?

Get old faces back in!

For those that are finishing school for good or moving from primary to secondary, it isnice to get old teachers back to say goodbye. This is the end of an era not just aschool year and some of those old faces will have had a long-lasting, sometimes life-changing impact.

Your brain creates feelgood chemicals

Oxytocin is a happyhormone that the brain

releases when we have ahuman connection,

especially physical contact,so get in lots of hugs!

Gaba is our body’snatural anti-anxiety

hormone, lots of playhelps our brain to fill us

up with this one!

Did you know that stroking your family petcan help release dopamine, the brain’s happy

hormone? This hormone also helps usconcentrate which, in turn, helps us achievemore and feel better about ourselves! Now,

where’s my guinea pig…BDNF helps our brains to stay strong and

healthy, a bit of rough play can support goodmental health, who knew a good old fashion

pillow fight could keep us young!


Thank you for reading our guide

You can contact us for more information, consultancy orpsychotherapy here

www.helpingfamilies.co.uk

Saskia at [email protected] orwww.saskiajosstherapy.co.uk

Zara at [email protected] orwww.choosetherapy.weebly.com

Let's Talk about Endings A document to help parents, children ...

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