The Art of Conversationby BRETT & KATE MCKAY  on SEPTEMBER 24, 2010 ·http://www.artofmanliness.com/2010/09/24/the-art-of-

conversation/PART 1

IntroductionI think we’ve all encountered men who have a knack for good conversation. They can talk to anybody about anything in a laid-back, casual manner that sets people immediately at ease.A complete stranger can walk away from these conversational maestros feeling like he’s known them for years.It’s easy to think that the art of conversation is a skill that the gods bestow on a happy few, while cursing most men with turbid tongues.While it’s true that some men simply have a greater portion ofinnate natural charm, the art of conversation is a skill in which all men can become competent. You may never have a silver-tongue, but you can learn to converse in ways that makeyou a valued party guest, set you apart at company functions, impress the ladies, and win you new friends. Below, we providesome tips and guidelines as an introduction (or reminder) on properly engaging in conversation.

Do’s of ConversationListen more than you talk. Ironically enough, the key to the art of conversation is not in the talking, but in the listening. Avoid conversational   narcism . Ask those you converse with interesting and thoughtful questions. People love to talk about themselves. Don’t ask what someone does and leave it at that. Ask them what the hardest part of their job is, how the future of their profession looks. Then ask follow-up questionsto tease out more details. Act genuinely interested by focusing on who’s talking, nodding your head, and adding “hmmm’s” and “uh-huh’s” at appropriate moments.

Come to an occasion armed with topics at the ready. On the wayto a party or dinner, I think about the people I will be seeing that night and brainstorm stories I can tell and questions I can ask. “George will like to hear about how the woodshed is coming along. Grace just got back from seeing her folks in Minnesota, so I’ll ask about that, and I’ll see what Tyler thought about that book he just finished.”

If you don’t know the people you will be conversing with,think about the things that will probably interest those you meet. Ask them about the unique aspects of their locale-(“I saw an interesting statue in the way into town. What’s the

story behind it?”), read up on the company they work for (“I hear you will be expanding into China soon-when will that be happening?) and ask those who do know the others better for some background information.

Tailor the conversation to the listener. It’s easy to say, “Don’t talk politics, sex, or religion.” And when in any doubt, don’t. But a much better rule is simply to tailor your conversation topics to those you are conversing with. Talking about politics, religion, and sex with new acquaintances can be awkward; arguing with the same buddies you’ve been arguing with for ten years at your weekly poker night can be the highlight of the week. Talking about motorcycles in mixed company will bore half the room; not talking about them with your riding posse would be unthinkable.

Take your turn. A conversation is a group project, with each person weaving in a tidbit here and there. It’s no time for monologues. If you notice that you have talked for a few minutes without any questions, comments, or general signs of life from other people, you are likely sucking up the air in the room. Cede the floor to someone else.

Think before you speak. Most foot-in-mouth moments occur because of a failure to think before speaking. You rant about the war and then remember your friend’s boyfriend just returned from Iraq. To avoid offending, don’t throw out statements laden with value-judgments. For example, instead ofsaying, “The mayor sure is a moron, huh?” Ask, “What do you think of the mayor’s rebuilding proposal?”

Don’ts of Conversation

Don’t interrupt. There are actually two forms of interrupting,as 1954′s Esquire Etiquette explains:“The obvious one, interrupting the speaker in mid-sentence, iseasy to avoid: just wait until the other has stopped talking before you start. (And don’t ever say, “Have you finished?” You might as well say right out that he’s a windy numskull andyou thought he’d never run down. ) The other kind of interruption, equally culpable, is often prefaced by “That reminds me…” or “By the way.” Such phrases usually signal a digression or irrelevancy. When you interrupt another’s train of thought, or send a discussion off into a tangent, you indicate that you are either stupid or rude, either unable or unwilling to stick with the speaker’s point.

Even if everyone observed these rules, telephones, doorbells and new arrivals would always conspire to interrupt you in mid-point. When you are interrupted, the politest thing to do is the hardest thing: shut up. Don’t go back and finish a story-don’t excavate a buried point-unless you are asked to doso. If a new listener has come up in mid-story, a polite someone else will brief him on the subject and ask you to go on; the polite newcomer will second the nomination; only then,with the briefest possible synopsis of what you said before, can you go on. If you are not given these cues, it may be because your story is not appropriate for the newcomer’s ears or because the situation gets beyond control; it’s not always because your audience was bored. So, if you get a chance to make your point later on, don’t air your annoyance with a petulant, “As I was trying to say a little earlier…”

Don’t talk to only one person when conversing in a group. Thisleaves the others dangling and awkward on the periphery. This is not simply a matter of whom you are physically conversing with-you can also ice people out by choosing subjects on whichthey have no interest or knowledge, such as the intricacies ofyour job that only your co-worker understands and inside jokesand “remember when’s” with your buddy. Bring up topics on which everyone can chime in.

Don’t engage in “one-upping.” The one upper not only makes a lousy friend, he also makes a highly annoying conversationalist. You say you just bought some new boots; he raises you one by talking about the shoes he cobbled together himself with leather he got by killing a deer with only a bowie knife. The one upper believes that his stories show his superiority; on the contrary, they reveal his naked insecurity.

Don’t overshare. We’ve all met the man who pours out his life story as soon as you meet him. Within two minutes you know whyhis girlfriend dumped him, how worried he is about losing his hair, and why he’ll never be promoted at work. This instant unburdening reads as desperation and repels people faster thanwater off a duck’s back. You have to cultivate a little mystery-leave people intrigued and wanting more.

And at the same time, you don’t want to dig too deeply into the personal life of other people either. Respect the privacy of others. To avoid inadvertently touching on a sensitive spot, instead of asking someone about X, volunteer

that information about yourself. A person who is comfortable talking about X will typically offer up their own experience in turn. If they don’t respond in kind, change the subject.

Things Not to Say“Am I boring you?”An embarrassing question-the person will never answer no, it comes off a bit accusatory (the person will feel as though they were looking at you with an uninterested expression), andeven if you weren’t previously boring them, the power of suggestion will plant the idea in their head that the conversation had been rather tedious after all.Instead of asking a question like that outright, simply pay attention to the person’s facial expressions and body language. If they look bored, they probably are. Time to switch things up.

“Huh?” “What?” “Say What?” “Eh?” (the latter is okay if you use an ear-horn).Too abrupt. The speaker will feel awkward. Instead ask, “What was the last thing you said- I didn’t catch it.” And don’t nodand smile when you don’t know what was just said. Sometimes itworks; sometimes the person just said, “A dingo made off with my baby last night.”

“Actually, you should say ‘between you and me,” not ‘between you and I.’”If grammatical mistakes make the hair on the back of your neckstand up, you may find it difficult to restrain yourself from correcting the errors of others. But a conversation is no timeto be pedantic. You’ll come off as smug and patronizing and bring any rapport you were building with a person to a screeching halt. Don’t miss the forest for the trees.Actually, if grammatical mistakes make the hair on the back ofyour neck stand up, you might want to look into taking up some new hobbies.

“Stop me if I’ve told you this story before…”No one will ever stop you. So your question just prolongs the time they have to act like they’ve never heard the story of the time you almost ran over Barry Switzer while he was ridinghis fixed gear bicycle near the OU dorms.

The Number One Rule of Conversation: Be NaturalAs with most matters of etiquette and sociality, once you understand the ground rules, stop thinking about them so much

and let things flow. You can follow all the above do’s and dont’s, but if it seems to others like your conversating by a checklist, then you might as well be waxing poetic about your butt hair. It doesn’t matter how polite you are if you come off as a phony. Drop the affectations. Talk about things that you’re comfortable talking about; use words that you’re comfortable using. As Esquire Etiquette advises:

“You’ve often heard that what you say and how you say it is a first impression give-away to your character and your background-but there’s a sleeper in that bromide: It’s a bigger give-away to pretend to be something you are not then to be what you are without apology. No matter what the lady-books say about “cultivated speech,” a man’s speech had best not be cultivated; it ought first of all to be natural…The pretty politeness of speech you find in the girls’ books are not for you, sir. If you mean “Sorry,” say “Sorry”-not I’m so sorry,” not “I begyour pardon.” If you mean that the dinner was damned good say so; don’t mince around with uneasy words like “exquisite” or “lovely.” Leave the “my dears” to the aged, and “do comes” to the feminine gender. And forget about the supposedly gallant phrases like “Allow me” and “After you.” It is not etiquette to say things the long way orthe fancy way. Be yourself. Be a man.”

PART 2Last month I met up with an old friend I hadn’t seen in forever to have lunch. Having both read and written about how to be an effective and charismatic conversationalist, I followed the old dictum of listening more than talking and asking the other person engaging questions about themselves. This is supposed to charm your conversation partner. I guess it worked because my friend talked about himself for an hour straight and didn’t ask me a single question.

When we’ve talked about the  ins and outs of making good conversation before, someone inevitably asks, “But what if both people keep trading questions back and forth?” Well, that’s a pretty good problem to have, but I’ve yet to see it happen. Instead, most folks seem to struggle with asking any questions at all and have a very difficult time relinquishing the floor.In a time where a lot of the old social supports people reliedupon have disappeared, people have become starved for attention. They bring this hunger to their conversations, which they see as competitions in which the winner is able to keep the attention on themselves as much as possible. And thisis turning the skill of conversation-making into a lost art.

Conversational NarcissismIn The Pursuit of Attention, sociologist Charles Derber shares the fascinating results of a study done on face-to-face interactions, in which researchers watched 1,500 conversationsunfold and recorded how people traded and vied for attention. Dr. Derber discovered that despite good intentions, and often without being aware of it, most people struggle with what he has termed “conversational narcissism.”

Conversational narcissists always seek to turn the attention of others to themselves. Your first reaction to this statementis likely, “Oh, I don’t do that, but I know someone who does!”But not so fast. Conversational narcissism typically does not manifest itself in obviously boorish plays for attention; mostpeople give at least some deference to social norms and etiquette. Instead, it takes much more subtle forms, and we’reall guilty of it from time to time.

Everyone has felt that itch where we couldn’t wait for someoneto stop talking so we could jump in; we pretended to be listening intently, but we were really focusing on what we were about to say once we found an opening.

So today we’re going to discuss the ways in which conversational narcissism creeps into our interactions with others. While it may seem a bit strange that conversations canbe analyzed this deeply, Dr. Derber’s research is filled with some really brilliant insights that will help you see how a conversation unfolds and how you can easily fall into the conversational narcissism trap. I know it did for me.

The Unsurpassed Pleasure of a Good Old Fashioned Conversation

Before we get into the forms that conversational narcissism takes, let’s take a minute to discuss why you should even careabout the health of your conversations in the first place.You probably know how mastering the art of conversation is an invaluable tool in building your charisma and networking with others, whether it comes to business or pleasure. But it’s also a vital part of fulfilling a deep human need we have as social animals.

Have you ever had a night out with friends, maybe you met up at a new restaurant, had a few beers, and ended up talking andlaughing the night away? As you walked to your car, I bet yourbrain felt positively aglow with a warm sensation of deep satisfaction and pleasure. That’s the effect a great conversation can have on you. Absorbing conversations truly add happiness and richness to our lives.

But the enjoyment of a good conversation is becoming more of ararity these days. In our time of cell phones, text messaging,and emails, we’re having less face-to-face interactions, and thus when we do meet up with people in the flesh, our social skills can be a bit rusty. So we can all use some brushing up on the art of conversation and how to make great conversationsa more frequent occurrence in our lives.

Conversations: Competition vs. Cooperation“The quality of any interaction depends on the tendencies of those involved to seek and share attention. Competition develops when people seek to focus attention mainly on themselves; cooperation occurs when the participants are willing and able to give it.” -Dr. Charles DerberA good conversation is an interesting thing; it can’t be a solely individual endeavor—it has to be a group effort. Each individual has to sacrifice a little for the benefit of the group as a whole and ultimately, to increase the pleasure eachindividual receives. It’s like a song where the rhythm is paramount, and each person in the group must contribute to keeping that rhythm going. One person who keeps on playing a sour note can throw the whole thing off.That’s why it’s so important that conversations are cooperative instead of competitive. But many people (and Dr. Derber argues, Americans especially, because of our culture ofindividual initiative, self-interest, and self-reliance) make conversations into competitions. They want to see if they can get the edge on the other people in the group by turning the attention to themselves as much as possible. This is

accomplished through the subtle tactics of conversational narcissism.

How Conversational Narcissism Manifests ItselfSo let’s get down to the nuts and bolts. How does conversational narcissism rear its head and derail what could have been a great face-to-face interaction?

During a conversation, each person makes initiatives. These initiatives can either be attention-giving or attention-getting. Conversational narcissists concentrate more on the latter because they are focused on gratifying their own needs. Attention-getting initiatives can take two forms: active and passive.

Active Conversational NarcissismThe response a person gives to what someone says can take two forms: the shift-response and the support-response. The support-response keeps attention on the speaker and on the topic he orshe has introduced. The shift-response attempts to set the stage for the other person to change the topic and shift the attention to themselves. Let’s look at an example of the difference between the two:

Support-ResponseJames: I’m thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Oh yeah? What models have you looked at?

Shift-ResponseJames: I’m thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Oh yeah? I’m thinking about buying a new car too.James: Really?Rob: Yup, I just test drove a Mustang yesterday and it was awesome.

In the first example, Rob kept the attention on James with hissupport-response. In the second example, Rob attempts to turn the conversation to himself with a shift-response.The shift-response if often very subtle. People put in a nice transition to disguise it by prefacing their response with something like, “That’s interesting,” “Really? “I can see that,” right before they make a comment about themselves. “Oh yeah?” And then they’ll tie their response into the topic at hand, “I’m thinking about buying a new car too.”

Now it’s important to point out that a shift-response just opens up the opportunity for a person to grab the attention, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to. It’s a matter of intent. You might simply be looking to highlight what the other person has said and share a bit of your own experience before bringing the conversation back to the other person. That’s a healthy and natural part of the give and takeof conversation. Let’s turn back to Rob and James:

James: I’m thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Oh yeah? I’m thinking about buying a new car too.James: Really? Maybe we could go look around together.Rob: Sure. So what models are you looking at?James: That’s the thing—I’m not sure where to start.Rob: Well, what are the most important things to you—fuel economy, storage room, horsepower?

So here Rob interjected about himself, but then he turned the conversation back to Rob. Conversational narcissists, on the other hand, keep interjecting themselves until the attention has shifted to them. Like this:

James: I’m thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Oh yeah? I’m thinking about buying a new car too.James: Really? Maybe we could go look around together.Rob: Sure. I just test drove the Mustang yesterday and it was awesome.James: That’s cool. I don’t think I want a sports car though.Rob: Well, I want something with at least 300 horsepower and definitely leather seating. Did I ever tell you about the timemy buddy let me take his Maserati out for a spin? Now that is an automobile.James: Which one of your friends has a Maserati?

Most conversational narcissists–careful not to appear rude– will mix their support and shift responses together, using just a few more shift-responses, until the topic finally shifts entirely to them.  Conversational narcissists succeed when they elicit a support response from their partner. “Which one of your friends has a Maserati?”

To summarize, it’s fine to share things about yourself, as long as you loop the conversation back to the person who initiated the topic. The best rule to follow is simply not to jump in too early with something about yourself; the earlier you interject, the more likely you are to be making a play to

get the attention on yourself. Instead, let the person tell most of their story or problem first, and then share your own experience.

Passive Conversational NarcissismConversational narcissism can take an even subtler form. Instead of interjecting about themselves and trying to initiate a new topic, conversational narcissists can simply withhold their support-responses until the other person’s topic withers away and they can take the floor.To understand how this works, let’s first look at the three forms support-responses can take—each one represents an ascending level of engagement and interest with the topic and speaker:

Background acknowledgments: Minimal acknowledgments that you’re listening such as, “Yeah,” “Uh-huh,” “Hmm,” Sure.”

Supportive assertions: Acknowledgments that show active listening. “That’s great.” “You should go for it.” “That’snot right.”

Supportive questions: Questions show that you’re not only listening, but are interested in hearing more. “Why did you feel that way?” “What was his response when you said that? “What are you going to do now?”

A conversational narcissist can kill someone’s story dead in its tracks by withholding these support-responses, especially by not asking any questions. Etiquette dictates that we don’t ramble on and share every detail of a story right off the bat.We say a bit, and then wait for further questions, so we know that the person we’re speaking with is interested in what we have to say. In the absence of such questions, the speaker will begin to doubt that what they’re saying is interesting. So they’ll stop speaking and turn the attention to the other person. A victory for the conversational narcissist.

Conversationalist narcissists will also show their disinterestin the speaker by delaying their background acknowledgments–those all important “Yeah’s” and “Hmmm’s.” Good conversationalists place their background acknowledgments in just the rights spots, in the small natural pauses in the conversation. The narcissist tries to adhere to social expectations by giving the speaker some cursory acknowledgments, but they’re not really listening, and so theythrow them in there just a few seconds off. The speaker easily

picks up on this skewed-timing and will stop talking and shifttheir attention to the narcissist.

Finally, one more form of conversational narcissism to avoid is the “Well, enough about me, I want to hear more about you!”tactic. People will often pull out this kind of line right at the end of an event, so they can make a show of etiquette and interest in the other person, while not actually having to give that person attention that lasts more than a few minutes.

Becoming a Master of the Art of ConversationAvoiding these pitfalls of conversational narcissism will haveyou well on your way to becoming a competent and charismatic conversationalist. Once someone introduces a topic, your job is to draw out the narrative from them by giving them encouragement in the form of background acknowledgments and supportive assertions, and moving their narrative along by asking supportive questions. Once their topic has run its course, you can introduce your own topic. But as we mentioned earlier, it takes two to tango. It’s now your partner’s turn to ask you questions. If they don’t, you’ll sadly find yourself, as I did at the lunch with my friend, listening to anever-ending monologue. Just smile and enjoy the chips.

Source: The Pursuit of Attention by Charles Derber

PART 3Additional Reading: Reader Comments

Comments…1Sam September 24, 2010 at 3:13 am

This was a great article. I think that the best advice I have when it comes to conversation is to pay attention tohow you normally talk to people. Everyone has a differentspeaking style some people are direct in their conversations, while others meander around a subject.Also I think something that is important is recognizing what you are aiming for in the conversation. If it is just a casual chat with your friends then there is reallynot much pressure, but if you are attempting to network by striking up conversations then it is a whole differentgame.I am a college student who for the past 8 years of my life has done competitive speech and debate. One thing that I have noticed when it comes to giving speeches is that sometimes it does not matter what you say, but how you say it. The ability to sit down and have a

conversation with someone, and make them feel good about your conversation at the end is a skill that can make your life much easier. In my experience when I am debating I find that it is just as effective to have a conversation (albeit one-sided) with the audience about whatever side I have been tasked with advocating for, than to Orate.

2David Buck September 24, 2010 at 4:41 amThe main thing is, don’t talk too fast, don’t gabble, speak slowly and deliberately.

3Prof September 24, 2010 at 6:39 amI might add two quick points — if meeting a person for the first time, make undeniably sure that you hear, and retain, their name. I am frequently guilty of this; I’m bad with names. I’m concentrating on the handshake, or some other such detail. If you don’t get the name, you spend half the conversation trying to recall it to yourself. It will detract from where your focus should lie. The other point is to display some humility when conversing. If you take pains to make the other person feel important, rather than tooting your own horn, this will leave a very positive and lasting impression.

 4 Jeff  September 24, 2010 at 7:31 amExcellent article, and timely for me, as I’m trying to help my son understand that if he yammers on about his favorite video game for minutes on end without pausing for breath, he’s going to bore people to tears. Granted, he’s only 8, and can be forgiven for gushing about his favorite pastimes, but I’m hoping to help him moderate his conversation by the time he hits middle school. When I was young, nobody took the time to explain to me how conversation ought to work, and I didn’t figure it out for myself until after I’d been branded a nerd. I hope tohelp my son avoid this, as we’re very much alike in many ways. This post will help, I think.Also, to echo Prof’s comment, I too am bad at rememberingfolks’ names. I handle it mainly by apologizing for my shortcoming and reintroducing myself when I see someone I’ve met before. (“Forgive me, I know we’ve met more thanonce, but I’m terrible with names. I’m Jeff.”) I find that either the other person was also trying to recall myname and is thankful that I’ve reminded them, or else my apology has softened the blow of having their name forgotten (it’s not that the person is unmemorable, it’s that I have a bad memory).

5Mato Tope September 24, 2010 at 7:37 am

Great article, Brett.I might add…Whenever in company it is better to be charmed then charming.If you forget someone’s name you could make light of it by saying; “I know your name, it’s your face I don’t remember.”And even with an old friend, meet them as if for the first time. Sometimes we limit the scope of our conversation with the preconceptions we hold about people.

6Mato Tope September 24, 2010 at 7:39 amSorry, should have read; “than charming.”

7Anthony September 24, 2010 at 9:19 amExcellent points, thank you! Though I can push myself to be outgoing, I’m naturally introverted; that means I tendto clam up if there’s no need for me to chat, such as at family gatherings with my in-laws. Still, I’d probably enjoy those gatherings more if I more of an effort to converse with all those people I don’t know.Regarding the remembering-their-name problem, one thing Ido that helps is to repeat it immediately: “Hi, I’m George.” “George? Nice to meet you, I’m Anthony.” Helps abit, though I’ll probably still forget it if any length of time passes before I see them again.

8Doug September 24, 2010 at 9:27 amAll good points….in the article and comments. I think themost important is “be natural”. If not, it’s too easy to come off obsequious.Regarding names, this seems to be a common fall back in our society. Everyone seems to be “bad with names”. And Ilike that, in a way. If someone instantly remembers my name and is too quick to praise me on some topic, perhapsI’m being paranoid, but it might strike me that they havesome sort of agenda. I actually like the bloke who don’t remember names (like me and everyone else other than slick folks). That said, it still IS a good idea to remember the name. Just don’t be too quick to use it.

9Marcus September 24, 2010 at 9:35 amGreat article. I would also recommend to make it a point to look the other person in eye. I have been several conversations where the other person is looking at their shoes or around the room.

 10 Susan Woehrle  September 24, 2010 at 9:58 am

Ironically, many of my friends who follow this blog enjoythe supposedly feminine old-timey language like “after you” and “do come.” Maybe men shouldn’t look to women’s magazines, but Esquire’s advice shouldn’t necessarily be the paradigm or manly etiquette either. Remember to go easy on asking people about themselves when being a good listener; conversations that feel like twenty questions get boring fast. Don’t ask more than three questions in arow without contributing something to the conversation yourself.

11S.E. September 24, 2010 at 10:00 amIn every article about having good conversations, the author advises you to ask questions to the other person because “he loves to talk about himself”. We’re also advised not to love to talk about ourselves. So, does that mean that only one of the conversants knows how to have a proper conversation, and the other doesn’t and always commits the mistake of talking about himself?

12pw September 24, 2010 at 10:53 amgreat article!I recently heard a very talented speaker relate, “It is better to be interested, than interesting.”

13Kyle F. September 24, 2010 at 11:13 amS.E., only 10% of people know how to have a good conversation, and that’s being generous. The rest are just pawns to your charm. And when you do meet a rare bird who can also make good conversation, then you simplytrade questions back and forth and each person is genuinely interested in the other. You walk away from such conversations abuzz with that special feeling that something wonderful just happened.Susan, you need to get some less nerdy friends.

14Bluh September 24, 2010 at 11:23 amArgh! I hate it when people put apostrophes in dos. It’s a plural; it does not get an apostrophe. Please fix.

 15 John Factorial  September 24, 2010 at 12:24 pmExcellent comments, lady and gents! I’m most impressed not only by AoM’s stupendous articles, but by the qualityof feedback each piece inevitably gets. Great site.If you’re ever looking for a good conversation starter, Ioften find it’s fun to spark a lively yet meaningless debate. Challenge someone to name the best breakfast cereal or candy bar in the world. Everyone has an opinion& they’re all different, but unlike debates about stuff

like politics or religion, people tend to actually enjoy arguing about it!On the subject of remembering names, I have to agree thatit’s an important, oft-neglected skill. I used to be “badwith names” too; to correct this, I’ve started using mnemonics. Often I’ll use the repetition of the person’s name as a chance to associate them with a someone who shares their name. “Hi, I’m George.” “George, nice to meet you,” I say while thinking (this guy’s bald like George Costanza) and just like that, I will remember him as George the next time I see him. “Pleasure to meet you,Morgan,” (Morgan, like Morgan Webb the chick from X-Play). Works for me quite nicely.

16Hugo Stiglitz September 24, 2010 at 1:04 pmWhen I was a plebe at the Naval Academy, it was mandated that we read three newspaper articles each morning — two news stories, and another on either sports or entertainment — and be able to talk about each one for five minutes. This requirement served two purposes: 1) itserved as training on quicky reading, comprehending and retaining procedures / instructions and translate them into laymen’s terms and 2) helped form us into “officers and gentlemen” who could speak (somewhat) intelligently on topics of which we previously had little knowledge. While I do not embark on this exercise every day, I do make it a point to read a few articles in USA Today before a dinner or meeting with people I don’t know or haven’t seen in a while. This practice gives me several talking points in my back pocket to initiate, continue orjoin a conversation. While USA Today is not a beacon of high journalism, it does give you the bare-bones information you need to engage in simple, friendly conversation and it contains stories common to everyone in the country. The stories are short and appeal to everyone.

17Tired September 24, 2010 at 1:13 pmI hate small talk. It’s shallow, boring, and drives me nuts. But I do it to fill in the silence, to maintain life within the group, to keep the wheels turning during.I’m a person who LOVES to talk about deep stuff. The futility of money. The power of dreams. The lure of vulgarities. The strength of hunger. I LONG for someone whom I can just talk to about all these things, the firsttime we meet.However, it proves extremely difficult, to find anyone atall, who is actually willing to talk about such things AT

ALL. Many people say small talk is the most important factor in conversation, but really, there’s only so much I can hear about tv, music, school, work, sports, relationships and money, before I start foaming at the mouth. I shun conversation, because so many people are incapable of having deep ones, that it leaves me tired and parched…but yet I continue to partake of it to fulfilsocial expectations and my social needs.Sure I know some people will say you can’t talk deep stuff the first time you meet, but let me ask why not?! Are they afraid of some chilling conviction you have, howtwisted your mind is, how incompatible both your beliefs and attitudes are? I say this makes for FANTASTIC AND SCRUMPTIOUS conversation. I do find myself wishing that Icould find someone more like minded, or someone with a tad more intelligence, or someone with a little more individuality.Perhaps this is an elitist attitude of mine. But I never force my opinions on others, I never voice out blatant and heated disagreement, I never change the subject if the person really wants to talk about something badly. But I just suffer trying to pretend to be interested whenI actually am very irritated. When I do talk about deep stuff, ***people seem like they want to get to the shallow end of the conversation right away, almost like they can’t stand not having the water at chest level.***I would like to hear any advice, agreement, comment, or criticism about my predicament. Thank you very much!

 18 Matt Moore  September 24, 2010 at 1:42 pmBrett, great post as always. I thought some of the community would be interested in a great book on this subject, “As a Gentleman Would Say” written by John Bridges and Bryan Curtis. It’s an excellent ‘go to’ guidefor almost any situation. I believe it’s put out through Brooks Brothers.

19John September 24, 2010 at 2:29 pmI don’t know about the listening more suggestion. I thinkthat instead of generally listening more, it should be a situation to situation evaluation. For example, I work inan environment full of incredibly awkward people, and find that to even just have a conversation with a group of them, I kind of have to be the maestro of it. Not thatI am talking at them, more so pushing the conversation along by doing most of the talking.Another thing is to educate yourself. I may not know it all, but I know a little about a lot, so if I can offer

my little bit of information into the conversation it allows the other person or people to expand and correct. That works the best more often than not.

 20 Jonathan Manor  September 24, 2010 at 2:34 pmInterrupting is an epidemic. I was reading The Tipping Point and there’s a chapter about dissecting the ability of salesman to persuade people, and there was this study of where people nodded when they listened to intervals ofmusic and commercials and just by nodding it made them more prone to buying things at a higher price. Then they talk about ways to get people to nod when you talk. Really interesting, it goes back to how you talked about the whole listening segment.Another thing that was interesting was how to talked about talking to a group of people instead of just one person. A conversation itself is held up by two people. But I read somewhere on a blog about how you need to win over the whole group before you narrow yourself into a conversation with someone in particular. Very helpful when you’re trying to flirt with women with their friends.This site is incredible. I’ve been browsing around for the past hour, my two favorite posts so far is the items on Etsy and the Business Startup with minimal funds posts.

 21 Nikita  September 24, 2010 at 2:40 pmMy pet peeve is when people constantly try to solve otherpeople’s problems in conversation.

22ARP September 24, 2010 at 3:21 pmSome of my observations:1) Actually listen to the person and think about what they say. Don’t listen for a cue or trigger for you to say something else. You’re more likely to interupt and itwill rapidly become obvious that you’re self-centered. I struggle with this as I think of something to say and want to get it out before I forget. Then I focus on my point rather than listening.2) If the conversation is boring, chances are either theycan see it in your face, or they think its boring. Politely change topics or perhaps dig a little deeper into your topic, rather than “small talk.” There’s a lot of things to talk about between the weather and the meaning of life. Don’t ask, “Am I boring you,” but you may want to say “I’m sure I’m boring you” if you’re doingthe talking and you feel like you’re in a rut, as a segueway to talk about something else

3) This is the most difficult, but the most effective. Begenuinely interested in talking to people. If you approach the party, social event, etc. with dread, you’renot going to have a good conversation. Try to convince yourself that you’re going to meet someone interesting ortalk about interesting things and there’s a good chance it will happen.Tired: I’m the same way. However, you can’t immediately jump into whether there is a God or not. Start small and slowly dig deeper into an issue. If you do, you will lookfake (e.g. he just brings up deep topics to make himself seem deep). Talk about going to an art musuem to start a conversation about the nature of art. Talk about their kids soccer game to talk about parenting philosophies or values. You can talk about values without necessarily talking about politics directly.Hugo: That’s a great idea. One of the best ways to be a good conversationalist is to be well rounded. The abilityto talk about football, movies, music, etc. in a single conversation will make the conversation more enjoyable and more likely that everyone can contribute (with a sidebenefit that you’ll look smart). You just need to know enough to keep things going and interesting, not be an encyclopedia. Unless you’re in a group of experts avoid talking about minute details unless you know that everyone knows what you’re talking about.

23Hondo September 24, 2010 at 3:51 pmI do great in conversation generally and being a bit of adork am versed enough in most subjects that I can converse in them. A good deal of this comes with my job, I train a salesforce, where communication is a must and while I agree with most of what is said I don’t agree with the “ask lots of questions” part. If you are sincerely interested in something of course but it goes against the principle commandment of being natural, conversational hypocrisy if you will, to feign interest in the name of asking questions. Not to mention if they are playing by the same rules as you are well that is going be a pretty pathetic conversation.In my line we are trained to drive conversations and to shape a conversation with “the power of personality” if you will (an admittedly more ego hefty term than I like) and I stick to that often driving a conversation to keep it from turning to small talk about weather or idiotic celebrity gossip. Generally within 3 minutes I can figureout exactly who I’m dealing with; personality, political

leanings, etc. I don’t remember the last time someone surprised me. They used to teach these skills in school and in the home back in our grandparents day but now these sort of skills are relegated to fields that requireconversation such as sales but fact is with a little practice everyone can do it. All do respect to Brett but a great deal of the tips in this article just teach a person to fake a conversation and I don’t know that to bethe best way to go about communicating.

 24 James  September 24, 2010 at 4:35 pmI’m loving the articles on better social interactions. I’m an introvert mainly because I don’t think I know HOW to have a decent conversation or how to act socially. This article, the one on how to leave appropriately, introductions, and a couple of others I can’t name off the top of my head are really forcing me to change my outlook on gatherings. I have one tomorrow, the first since I started visiting this site. Time to put some of what I’ve learned to the test.

25Ian September 24, 2010 at 6:07 pmDid HBO’s new series Boardwalk Empire influence your decision to write this article? I recall a quote the pilot episode which was, “These young fellows, no appreciation for the art of conversation” or something along those lines.

26Harry September 24, 2010 at 6:12 pmI really have a problem with the correcting people thing.When I hear anything grammatically incorrect or factuallywrong, not correcting it immediately takes a feat of will, and it is obviously visible that I’m very uncomfortable. Think like if you really need to pee, and it’s been half an hour since you noticed it yourself, andyou’ve been drinking beer, and you think you might just have an accident. People ask me what’s wrong.I’ve already got a few of those hobbies, so that’s not the answer. Really, how does one fix this?

27Thomas September 24, 2010 at 9:17 pmI’m very guilty of oversharing and talking too much in general. I don’t even realize I’ve said too much until after I’ve already said it. Thing is, I don’t get a lot of opportunities for conversation and I relish the opportunity to interact with people–and then realize, toolate, that I’m making myself into a bit of a jerk.

 28 Jonathan Manor  September 25, 2010 at 7:01 am@ Nikita

I agree. People who somehow believe they know everything are total losers. I hate it when people start sentences with “Tell me why?” or “Umm f***ing…” I hate it when people end sentences with “Right” that’s a biggie actually. It’s always seems like those people are trying to get the approval of everyone before they could say anything.

29Chuck September 25, 2010 at 11:06 am@ TiredI can fully relate to your predicament. Similar reasons have forced me to resign myself to a select company and pursue my hobbies and career more.Even with my close friends, we sometimes sit in silence if there is nothing noteworthy to talk about. The testament to good friendship is being able to sit in silence with a close friend and still not feel uncomfortable. But I digress.I think you will find like minded people on AoM. Just curious, where are you located? You might want to look at meetup.com. They might have relevant groups that adhere to what you are looking for. I’ve met students of philosophy with whom I’ve had some of the most engaging and stimulating conversations. Try to engage with people who are naturally disposed to discuss ‘heavy’ topics or go to events where you might meet those kinds of people –like debating events, toastmasters, business/professionalgatherings etcIt’s not easy to find what you are looking for and it really comes down to attrition. You will find more peoplethat DO NOT have much in common vs the ones that do. Justneed to keep plugging away. If you succumb, then engage yourself more in hobbies/career/travel/studies etcPing me if you are interested in hearing more

30Adam September 25, 2010 at 6:11 pmHarry,I recommend the “You Can’t Win an Argument” chapter in “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” (I think this book should be required reading for everyone.) It starts off with this exact situation. Mr. Carnegie was absolutely correct, and another person was completely wrong, but as it was explained to him later by a friend, it was unwise to correct him in that situation. “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”Really, what do you have to gain in such a situation? Theother person will be embarrassed in front of the group; you may be perceived as a know-it-all; it may awkwardly

disrupt the conversation; he may begin to argue with you;generally the whole mood will suffer. Both your and his social capital will decrease.In my opinion, unless it is a major issue, one which is of such great importance that one should strive to set the record straight at every opportunity, one should let it go uncorrected. You might consider mentioning it privately later to the person who said it.“But then everyone there will learn an untruth!” you might say. Perhaps. Again, is it important enough to matter? It’s not your responsibility to filter other people’s input to prevent them from hearing things you don’t agree with, or even things that are factually incorrect. It’s their responsibility to seek truth for themselves.As a Christian, I wouldn’t necessarily hold to this view for important matters of religion; but if you can’t let small things go, you will alienate people, and won’t evenhave an opportunity to speak truth about bigger things.Tired,I think much of the problem is simply that most people don’t have very high self-esteem or self-confidence. Small talk is relatively low-risk: the topics aren’t important; there’s not usually a question of right or wrong; it’s not likely to touch a sensitive spot in others; if you disagree on something, so what? I like warm weather, you like cool weather. Who cares?Deep topics present opportunities to expose one’s depth, or lack thereof. If you appear deep and confident, you likely will intimidate most people, who lack confidence, and don’t want their insecurities or topical ignorances brought to light. If it’s a topic you disagree on, they may not feel like they could defend their viewpoint adequately.Another thing about small talk is that it provides a low-risk opportunity to sample one another’s personality and demeanor. Some people’s mannerisms or speaking styles just don’t mesh well together. Small talk lets you find people who you would like to talk more deeply with, without risking too much awkwardness or loss of face withpeople you aren’t interested in.

31Mike September 25, 2010 at 10:14 pmI’m a working journalist (an endangered species these days) so small talk is a big part of my daily life. The best advice I can give is GO WITH THE FLOW. Never try to steer the conversation — just go along with it….

32doc September 26, 2010 at 12:23 pmHere’s one of those “if a tree falls in the forest” questions. If everyone listens more than they speak, can a conversation actually take place?

 33 Jack Whittington  September 26, 2010 at 2:52 pmGreat article as usual! This applies not only in the personal realm, but in the professional as well. I think one of the biggest assets a person can have is tailoring his/her conversations to the group or individuals they are speaking to. People will come away impressed and wordof mouth is still the best way to enhance your reputation, especially among your colleagues and peers.

34ARP September 26, 2010 at 4:41 pmHarry:I understand your plight, but I think you need to developmore of a Zen attitude about those sorts of things. What’s the worst that’s going to happen if you don’t correct them? 9/10 times, perhaps some continued ignorance about how to pronounce something, correct word usage, some bit of trivia, etc.Now for that 1/10 times where their ignorance is insulting, racist, etc., I would suggest that you ask follow up questions about the topic rather than correct them. Here’s a recent example:Person: Banks were forced to loan money to poor minorities; that’s what caused the financial crises.Me: I’ve never heard of that [I have, Bachmand and Beck said it]. So the law actually says, “you must loan to minorities, even if they have no money at all?”Person: Well, I’m not sure it goes that far, but it encourages it.Me: Interesting, I read an article the other day that talked about how there was a law passed in the 70′s that said that you can’t discriminate against the person basedon where they live, because some banks used that as a convenient substitute for race. I wonder if that’s the the the same law.Perhaps still a bit “agressive,” but by asking questions and refering to some outside source, you can appear less like a know-it-all, while still scratching your mental itch.

35Harry September 26, 2010 at 4:43 pmAdam-I actually took the Dale Carnegie class, read the whole book. I understand the principle, the problem is the visceral, physical reaction I can’t hide. Even if I say

nothing, people ask what is wrong because they see the cringe or twitch. It’s not so bad if the speaker is a foreigner and I need to focus on figuring out what they are trying to say.

36Chez September 26, 2010 at 6:34 pmI’ve just started working at a call center for online schools and what I learned in training has been extremelyvaluable in holding conversation. Using open-ended questions (starting with what, when, where, how, etc.) encourages people to respond with more than a yes or no, and once you get their answer you can reply with another open-ended question based upon their last response.For example, I’d ask “What has got you interested in going back to school?” They might respond “I want to increase my qualifications for promotion at work.” I’d reply “Oh, many of our students pursue online classes forexactly the same reason. Where do you work?”Utilizing open-ended questions gets people talking about themselves and opens the door for you to get to know them. Make sure not to constantly respond with these types of questions or it will sound like an interrogationmore than a relaxed conversation.

37Vince September 26, 2010 at 8:39 pmKeep your expectations low. When meeting new people, small talk will most likely be all you get into. It is okay to have mere pleasant conversation. When I left college, I missed intense intellectual debates as I movedinto the adult world of “mingling,” moving from one thirty-second mundanity to the next. Do exercises such aswriting or talking about whatever you want to when with your closest friends, so that when you are with new people, you’re mind will be clear and you can focus on them. Remember that your old friends care deeply about you, but new people do not. Only by taking a genuine interest in others, including their dumb, superficial trivia, will your relationships grow to the next level. Most people selfishly hide in their comfort zone and waitfor others to engage them. These are the people you have to reach out to.Also, remember to kindly oblige someone if they ask aboutyo

 38 Ryan  September 27, 2010 at 4:52 amMy tips for conversation can be found in an article at AlphaMaledom.com, but are brief enough to simply copy and paste in this box:

For years I was baffled by small talk. It seemed to me, like it does to so many people, to be an awkward, unpleasant, contrived, and most importantly useless way to interact.Counterintuitively, small talk is productive.By showing that you can interact at length without havingany kind of agenda- nothing to ask for, no sales pitch tolaunch into, nothing to need to get off your chest- Smalltalk establishes in the mind of whomever you are talking to that you are a person who already has his needs fulfilled, and that by extension, you must be a capable person.When you’re downtown waiting for a cab, and a homeless person walks up to you and asks you what you think of theweather, she can only go for a minute or two without giving in and asking you for money. You can sense this instinctually, and as such when you see a homeless personapproaching you, feel repulsed.Small talk is like a handshake, not an exchange of overtly meaningful information, but rather a strong, instinctual message that you are solid.In the following video clip, Marlon Brando’s character asks the woman several questions, most of which are either meaningless or obvious. The purpose of small talk is not, as it seems on the surface, to exchange meaningful information. Brando’s character is establishing alpha maledom over the female character. He is establishing that she reacts to him, and not the otherway around. Of course, this is an instinctual behaviour that such a person is usually not consciously aware of, but rather just finds themselves doing naturally.http://www.youtube.com/watch?

 39 Days and Adventures  September 27, 2010 at 5:25 amLoved the article. Thank you :)It’s a lot of energy focusing on all this when you first learn it, and then it gets easier. That said, refreshers are still always going to be a welcome thing. Thanks for the refocus.Marc

40Jon September 27, 2010 at 1:53 pmAs John Wayne said, ” Talk low, talk slow, and don’t say too much.”

41Kelly September 28, 2010 at 4:46 pm@Doc:“If everyone listens more than they speak, can a conversation actually take place?”

Yes, at least given a minimum of 3 people in conversation. Each person speaks for their portion of thetime (say, 1/3 or 33%), and listens for the rest (2/3, or66%).It’s also possible (but harder) when in a two-person conversation: assuming that spurts of silence/awkwardnessdon’t count against neither person’s talking time, but that time does count it towards their listening time, andeach person speaks for roughly the same amount of time.

42drew September 29, 2010 at 10:27 ambest advise i can give is be who you are. too many times we try to keep up a front and this makes for bad, forced conversation.

43Jay October 2, 2010 at 6:49 pmExcellent article, and excellent comments too.Harry, I believe your physical reaction is a habit. I also believe I can correctly assume you are employed? If so, you must have found a way to control your reactions in front of your boss, or else you would have had a series of jobs that ended in your being terminated for some reason or another. Same with romantic relationshipds. If you have a significant other, they will not stick around long with someone who has an obvious, negative, physical reaction to every mis-speak. Simply employ the same methods you use to please your boss and S.O. to those you encounter in your social life.I believe it was Lord Chesterfield who advised his son towear his learning like his watch, hidden in a vest pocket. If asked the time, by all means answer; but to not go about shouting the hour unasked. Taming your physical response will lessen the likelihood of you’re being percieved as a snob or elitist; as well the unintended misconception that you might be insecure, and looking for an opportunity to correct others to show yoursuperiority.Tired, Adam has offered some excellent advice. I would only add to it that it may be of benefit for you to consider small talk like one might consider a synopsis found on the inside cover of a books dust jacket. Imagineif one had to read several chapters into a book before discovering if it held any interest. What a tremendous waste of time. Small talk is like that dust jacket. It allows us to invest a small amount of time with that person, before deciding to wade into a larger, deeper conversation with them; only to find that they, or we, cannot hold up the other end.

Brett, kudos as usual. AoM is a fantastic site. It does an excellent job of appealing to a wide range of topics; and to instructing men on how to better themselves. Thanks for all of your hard work.

44bobo October 3, 2010 at 10:52 pmThis may, or may not have, been said before, but I tend to do this when it’s casual conversation in a group. I tend to butt in to something that I’m not neccessarily involved in. Very rude in my opinion. I guess I’m a hypocrite

45Jonathan October 14, 2010 at 1:44 pmThe most admirable conversationalists I know are the onesthat don’t say much, but when they speak, it’s worth hearing. It’s better to speak less and say more.

46Jovan Nguyen October 19, 2010 at 9:44 pmUseful things I do when in a conversation: eye contact, listen, talk humor, smile, be polite, be open-minded, don’t be a douche critic.A useful thing I do before engaging in conversations at aparty: smoke weed.If I don’t want to talk to mediocre idiots, I walk away. I win.

47ken September 24, 2012 at 11:38 amLeft out going on about how much something costs. Check out my new sound system, speakers were $900 that cable alone was $150 on an on

48Joshua Streeter September 24, 2012 at 1:37 pmGreat article. Quite a few pointers to add to my conversational repertoire. One question though, why “Act genuinely interested…”? Why not “Be genuinely interested…”?I’ll pass this article on, as I’m sure many will find theinformation very useful. Much more in depth than the simple, “God gave you one mouth and two ears,” that we’veheard since we were born.

49Chris Cummins September 24, 2012 at 7:34 pmThat secret of charming people with your words is not usewords but silence and questions that build from what theyare saying. The greatest conversationalists that charm the most people rarely say much about themselves. Also, practice curiosity as a habit in your private life AND personal life. If something intrigues you, stop and spendsome time with it. Read books on a variety of topics, build relationships with people outside of your comfort

zone. You build your ability to engage with others by inquisitiveness about life.

 50 Jarek  September 25, 2012 at 9:39 amHey!That’s my first comment here, although I have read some articles before. This one is truly a great one! The art of conversation is one of the most important, yet one that is quite usually forgotten by many. Reading your post is a great reminder though and following those rulesis a great way to enhance your relationships! Thanks for that!

51Anthony September 25, 2012 at 9:47 amThe article is concise and thoughtful. Additionally when speaking in a small group it is best to make eye contact with everyone occasionally in a manner that is smoothly natural comfortably brief; either from side to side or inside-out and visa versa. Its a great way engage a groupor command a presentation.

52Andrew B. October 13, 2012 at 9:45 pmI’m only in Junior High and I thought this was a great article. I’m usually not very good at conversation, so this helped me a lot.

53Stefani March 25, 2013 at 1:24 pmI personally thought this article was interesting. I seriously feel that women need to read this article to learn how to speak to people. Many women do not know how to start conversations at parties, which makes them look somewhat bitchy. Many men are very good at conversation starters, and do the many “Do’s” in this article. Then again it all depends who you are speaking with. Listeningis key when a man is speaking to a woman, but too much listening can get you in trouble. I think sometimes interrupting a women is a good thing, so she knows you are actually paying attention. I believe overall this wasa good reading, and also good advice.

54maia March 29, 2013 at 6:55 pmyou think it’s bad not being able to memorise people’s names? I can’t remember people’s faces – even if i work with them, at most half i will remember! and i’m a bit deaf – saying ‘can you repeat that?’ after ever sentence is a 100% conversation killer, but not hearing half of itis a slower one:( Nor can i be natural – i never feel natural in company, not due to shyness but embarrassment and self-consciousness. And i’m female, so everyone expects me to be good at it – men especially can’t bear

talking to me, most women will make the extra effort cos they’re used to it. Which is fine, as i like female friends best, except when it comes to the other half of life, so to speak.

55sarah May 25, 2013 at 6:49 pmI totally agree with “Tired” comment #17.Yet I am only a teenager I think small talk is useless and has no point. I would love to have a deep conversation about a thought provoking subject with one of my fellow students what I say just goes over their heads. It is so frustrating. Even my friends don’t enjoy my conversation topics. It is hard to find interest in small talk when it has no meaning. Why talk about the clothes someone just got then something that will actually bring about something. Just to let you know, youare not alone I too agree with you. Tips anyone?

56SPHYNX June 16, 2013 at 7:18 amIf u do forget the name of the person you are conversing with,just ask him/her the name and if they do give you that name just tell them you meant their lastname,this actually hides the fact that you had forgotten the name totally by reassuring the person that you may have many friends with the same first name,so you needed the lastname of this one to be able to identify them quickly.

57Bill June 18, 2013 at 8:56 pmQuestion: There are three people in a room; the second isa brother and guest to the first, and the thirsd is the son-inlae to the second and a guest as well. The brothershave been talking for a while as the third sat and listened. eventually the conversation turned to politice;a topic dear and well known to the third person. At an appropriate time, the third person interjext a valid thought into the conversation. The brothers sit in silence for about 20 seconds before resumin thier conversation without any acknowledgement that the third was even in the room. whoes manners were worse in this scenario?

58Ceasar June 20, 2013 at 2:27 amI am genuinely curious as to what a deaf man like myself can do in a room full of hearing people. I have many opinions and thoughts, but I am not too sure of the patience of others when I whip out my cell phone to tap away what I wish to say to them. It, at most times, creates an awkward atmosphere.

59Lasercannon June 20, 2013 at 6:23 pm

“This instant unburdening reads as desperation and repelspeople faster than water off a duck’s back. You have to cultivate a little mystery-leave people intrigued and wanting more.”I like this passage, I like it when people speak for others.“Leave the “my dears” to the aged, and “do comes” to the feminine gender”This also makes a lot of sense, I sometimes feel like oldpeople and women are crippling my style.So I was wondering, about etiquette rules, can we make itinto a science. Like a real science and possibly quantifythe consequences of these rules the same way we quantify the consequences of the generalizable laws of nature, like Newtonian mechanics. This will establish physical boundaries of what is appropriate with little or no ambiguity.

60B.P.Pereira August 9, 2013 at 10:44 amThe explanations given on manners and etiquette are very informative and apt to adapt for better habit formation and become a good human being and to live value and respect in all walks of life.

 

MORE2Benjamin D May 1, 2011 at 10:17 pm

An excellent article! All too often I find myself amongstpeople competing in cases of conversational narcissistic one-upsmanship. Eventually the conversation is driven toofar off course and I drop out. Whatever happened to the good ole days of college being a place to exchange ideas?

 3 Lee  May 1, 2011 at 10:21 pmInteresting article. I constantly catch myself being a conversational narcissist. It really is hard to be a goodconversationalist. I guess the phrase fake it til you make it comes to mind.

4R. Downs May 1, 2011 at 10:45 pmThank you so much for posting this! I can’t begin to listall the times I’ve been in the same shoes, attempting to have a satisfying conversation with a friend, relative, or colleague, listening to them monologue about themselves, their latest miseries, and what they think they might have for breakfast the next day.What saddens me is that articles like these are even necessary. What happened to parents who raise their children to conduct themselves like polite human beings,

not the conversational equivalent of pigs at a slop trough?

 5 Dan  May 1, 2011 at 11:02 pmAgree with R Downs. I know why this article was posted asit is good to reinforce such behavior. But come on, I’m sad that this may be groundbreaking for some! Next up: why you should not wear a hooded sweatshirt to a job interview (this has happened)

 6 Vince  May 1, 2011 at 11:04 pmFantastic article.Conversation can be challenging for many. People don’t know what to say and a needlessly high expectation of rapport can create too much anxiety. We have to accept and embrace the imperfection of social relationships. Allconversation is a series of hypotheses about what to say next. Practice and low expectations are a necessity. People aren’t a television show that you can turn off when you get bored.Analyzing conversation is great. No one should stiffly follow rules, but society is in the social problem its inbecause people take social skills for granted and thus noone is teaching them or working on them. Formality makes life and our relationships more pleasant and manageable and need not necessarily imply phoniness or “going through the motions.”The main problem is the one illuminated here in an excerpt about listening to others from the book “The Normal Christian Worker” written by Watchman Nee:“We must not woolgather. Many believers know nothing of mental discipline. Day and night their thoughts flow on uninterruptedly. They never concentrate, but just let their imaginations roam hither and thither till their minds accumulate such a mass of matter that they can takein nothing more. When people talk to them they cannot follow what is being said, but can only follow the train of their own thoughts and talk of the things that are preoccupying them. It is essential that we learn to quieten our minds so that we can hear and take in what isbeing said to us.”Part of the virtue of following the method of getting theother person to talk as much as possible is in attemptingto not judge them after they follow your cues.Talking about yourself is fine, but it shouldn’t be excessive and you should probably wait for someone else to draw you out first. There are few things more annoyingthan a painfully shy person whom you are breaking your

back being social with and getting nowhere. Occasionally,you can throw yourself out there without prodding so thatyou may have the conversation you’d like to but this behavior should be saved for established acquaintances. Your wife’s pregnancy may not come up if you wait for someone else to bring it up.Most social rules apply especially with new acquaintancesand should be relaxed, but never altogether thrown out, as you get closer to someone.I think I’m currently guilty.

 7 Brett McKay  May 1, 2011 at 11:20 pmWhenever there’s an article on a topic some consider “basic,” there are always comments like those from R. Downs and Dan expressing disbelief that people don’t knowsuch things already. And I have to say that such commentsreally bother me. They presume that manliness and good behavior is something you’re simply born with, or somehowabsorb from the ether, or learn from great parents. And it strikes me as rather patronizing to those who haven’t learned it and are seeking to better themselves–”Duh! I can’t believe people weren’t raised as awesomely as me and aren’t as sophisticated as I am!” Many men weren’t raised by parents that taught them the basics. They’re not pigs, they simply didn’t have a mentor to teach them certain things. And even when you do have good parents, they teach you different things. You might have parents who taught you all about how to use tools and fix things but nothing about art and etiquette. Or vice versa. My parents were awesome, but I can’t remember them ever sitting me down and talking to me about how to have a good conversation.On this topic specifically, I’ve personally read a ton about conversation, but I think the way Dr. Derber puts things really adds fresh insights and lets you identify where you may be trying to shift attention to yourself.Anyway, I think we should really support each other as men who are trying to better themselves!

8Darren May 1, 2011 at 11:38 pmAwesome post! I definitely can see how I’m guilty of doing a shift response all the time.Oh, and right on, Brett with your comment. I remember those kinds of comments made to a post about using tools.That people couldn’t believe all men didn’t know how to do it. I was raised my great parents but was in the innercity, and they never taught me the basics of using tools.And those kinds of comments kind of made me feel

defective as a man. I’m just trying to do my best to makeup for lost time, you know?

9Mary May 2, 2011 at 12:46 amExcellent article. It is always helpful to go over the basics. I think this will be more useful than what I usually do – which is write on my hand or my notepad “don’t talk about yourself!” .Now I know HOW not to talk about myself! (At least not until I am asked.)As a first generation American, I find this especially helpful. Keep the good information coming!

 10 Michael  May 2, 2011 at 12:56 amAnother one knocked out of the park, Brett. Conversation,like most human interaction, should be based on giving, not taking. Conversational narcissists “take” the spotlight. Allowing your partner in conversation to have that spotlight improves your stature in their eyes, everytime.I’ve been a conversational narcissist – I think we all have at some point – but fortunately I’ve been able to recognize and fix it. The first step is to recognize it, and this definitely ought to help.

11Tony May 2, 2011 at 1:40 amIt can be hard to talk with someone who only gives one word responses to your questions. When I encounter someone like that I usually talk about myself a bit in order to give them something to comment on. I find that people feel more comfortable around you and thus open themselves up a bit after you go on for a while.

12Dominique May 2, 2011 at 2:47 amWhat a brilliant blog. I know of plenty of women who would benefit from reading this too. I’m all for promoting good manners.…and yes, I’m guilty of hogging conversations too. Will try not to in future.

13Steve Harrington May 2, 2011 at 3:07 amSurprisingly fascinating post. At the start I thought just what you predicted we would think, “I don’t do that.” But when I got to the part about shift-responses Irealized that I do that all the time. A little light bulbwent off. Someone will say, “I had a bad day.” And I’ll answer with “Well, wait until you hear about my crappy day.” I need to remember to focus on the other person first. Thanks for this.

14Dion May 2, 2011 at 8:15 am

I have had the great misfortune of working with several people like this. It does make tea breaks quite tiresome.That being said, I did find myself guilty of trying to milk every conversation to get the attention back onto me. I have a long way to go before I an the gracious gentleman I wish to be.

16Martin May 2, 2011 at 10:37 amVery cool article. I enjoyed reading it. I’ve seen this in myself many times–the chomping at the bit to jump in with my thoughts to the point where I’m no longer listening. The problem I’ve found (particularly in groups) is that by the time it really does become my turnto talk, my point is forgotten or the conversation moved on. I’m not sure if that’s my own narcissism that’s been injured or simply that I’m with others who dominate conversations.

17Andrew May 2, 2011 at 10:43 amI’ve been reading this blog since the fall of 2009 and though I’ve drastically refined my manners and brought mylifestyle closer to being a gentleman from reading it, there’s a question I’d like to raise: if you better yourself and others don’t change with you, won’t you eventually be the odd person out? For example, some of myfriends like to text and have their smartphones out on the table when we’re in the company of each other, yet I always have my phone in my pocket giving them my undivided attention. Today, fiddling with your phone while you’re with people is a social norm and to do otherwise, even though it’s the polite thing to do, makesyou a non-conformist. How do all of you deal with that? My solution is to just find more like-minded people to hangout with, but that’s long-term fix that takes a lot effort to change. Can this be remedied in the short-term?Lastly, Brett, how did you deal with the conversational-narcissist when you were trapped in your friend’s ego? Did you have an escape strategy that wasn’t rude but still managed to be subtle?

18Baradoch May 2, 2011 at 10:45 amThis is awesome information. I love good conversations. This is a good way to evaluate a date — and she might be using the same evaluation method.

19bMac May 2, 2011 at 10:51 amIt used to be the polite thing to do on a Monday morning to ask people at work how their weekend went. I’ve have had to give that up in order to avoid the one-hour-long recitations of the last two days… the blow-by-blow, word-

for-word, “and then I…” blather that makes me ready to chew my proverbial arm off in order to escape!!

20todo76 May 2, 2011 at 10:54 amHeaven knows this is a problem for me. Good article and well timed. This is an era of easy distractions and electronic walls for us to lob thoughts over without knowing the person on the other side. Thank you for bringing this up and supporting anyone who does too!

 21 Vince  May 2, 2011 at 11:01 am@Andrew- Bad manners have become the norm for many, but Istill think people respect and appreciate good manners even if they themselves are too lazy to live up to them. With new people, you should endure their foibles, but youshould be able to call out your close friends on their flaws.

 22 Bryan  May 2, 2011 at 11:06 amNow we need an article about ways to politely extract one’s self from a one-sided conversation. I used to work with a guy who was a little “off”. He would seek me out and talk at me ad nauseum. I never could figure out how to end his monologue politely, so I let my annoyance build up inside me until one day when I blew up at him. That was clearly not the right thing to do (though he didleave me alone after that). Some people have a way of excusing themselves that doesn’t leave the other person feeling jilted. I wish I had that.

23Harry May 2, 2011 at 11:10 amI know I’ve been guilty of this in the past, but this is the first time I have seen the do’s and don’ts laid out so specifically. Some people do learn these things naturally, but I can never understand social rules until someone actually spells them out in detail like that. Thanks Brett!

24Andrew May 2, 2011 at 11:18 amThanks Vince. After thinking about it, calling out ill-manners ties in with giving criticism, another essential skill discussed on this site. Don’t you just love how manliness binds itself together!As for an escape strategy while “listening” to a conversational-narcissist, that question should’ve been opened up to everybody and not just Brett and Kate – we’re all writing comments here because we’ve either experienced this or made someone go through it.

25ThomKelley May 2, 2011 at 11:23 am

Take a look at all these comments again…. How funny is itthat the second sentence of almost every comment starts with “I”?

26Joe May 2, 2011 at 11:36 amGreat article. This is something that I somehow developedover the past couple years and it drives me nuts. I don’twant to be a conversational narcissist, it just happens. But hey, step 1 is recognizing there’s a problem.

27Joe May 2, 2011 at 11:38 am@ThomWell, you have a point there. Most of the time, though, people comment to share their own beliefs and stories, sothe “I’s” are bound to show up.

28Roy May 2, 2011 at 12:13 pmGreat article Brett.I am totally guilty of being a conversational narcissist and always saw myself as some kind of self-absorbed individual. Reading this article has really opened my eyes to the subtleties of conversation which can be modified to make it a more natural and enjoyable process for everyone involved. I’m definitely going to get Dr. Derber’s book for a bit more of an insight into this but this article has given me plenty of food for thought whenit comes to changing my approach.Perhaps this may even make the dreaded ‘networking’ more bearable/interesting?

29B. Knight May 2, 2011 at 12:25 pmI really appreciate these articles. Thanks so much!

30Walter the Amazing Landlord May 2, 2011 at 2:09 pmYep, definitely guilty of background acknowledgments. I wasn’t fully aware of the message it’s sending. But, thenagain, some people talk too much, and it’s the best I canmuster at times. I’ve also tried that experiment where you just keep asking follow up question after follow up question, and it’s incredible that an hour can go by before your companion even asks a single question.But how do you handle a poor conversationalist? I’ve got a friend who doesn’t like talking about himself much and is very tight-lipped when asked questions about himself or any given subject. I subsequently end up talking aboutmyself to fill in the silence, and then I walk away feeling like a narcissistic jerk. Should I just try harder to get him to talk? Or let the silence be?

 31 Thomas Westgard  May 2, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I definitely do this, and was learning about it from another source. This article is concise and specific. Excellent.The comments here are fascinating as well. If you’re really in touch with what this behavior is, you couldn’t possibly be surprised that this advice is needed. It’s everywhere. You can’t spend ten minutes in a bar without somebody doing this to you.But the best part is the commenters who subtly change thesubject to their standards for what a man is supposed to know about polite conversation. This article is a tutorial about some fundamental sensitivities in conversation. To shift the topic of conversation to “people suck because I’m better at conversation…” Like I said, the behavior is all around us if you just know where to look.

32Keenan May 2, 2011 at 4:23 pmThis article is a great read. I have been in many conversations where the listener has a short response or even no response. Many times i leave the conversation thinking the person was rude. The article has the key points that will sharpen anyone’s conversation skills. Lets bring the gentlemen back into the game.

 33 Anthony Ashley  May 2, 2011 at 4:36 pmThis is a very important topic. It seems that as time goes on the rarity of great conversation increases. I admit to having a problem with the shift-response habit. Going to visit my family is really good for me in combating this. My mother is a shift-response conversationalist to the extreme and is very comfortable letting others do all the listening. Every time I visit, I realize that I have this tendency as well and I see howawful I could become if I don’t work on it.Conversational narcissism is very difficult to overcome (actual narcissism is impossible to change according to most psychologists) but it is well worth the effort. Onceyou make headway in your endeavor to be a good conversationalist you will have the joy of relaxing your desire to control and dominate and begin to really experience the other person for the first time.

34Charles May 2, 2011 at 4:44 pmBest AoM article I’ve read in a while. Anyone who gained something from this article should read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie if they haven’t already. I remember AoM recommending that book in

the 100 best book series and must say that book has deeply impacted my life.

35rexalfred871 May 2, 2011 at 5:08 pmBest post I have seen on Art of Manliness in a while! Keep it up!

 36 Peter  May 2, 2011 at 6:13 pmGreat artcle Brett. It would be great if more women visited this site and saw it, they are just as much so ifnot more guilty than most guys I know of conversational narcissism.

 41 Dan  May 3, 2011 at 12:19 amDang, taken to the woodshed.At times I’ve got some of the old man’s “those young whippersnappers” attitude showing through. Apologies thatit came off of jerkfaced as it did. But one of the most infuriating and heartbreaking things I see is when a family is at a restaurant, dad or mom is typing on their phone, and kids are either running around or fidgeting silently. Parents finally get some quality time with the kids and here they are face first in their blackberries. Kids are perceptive. They can see what’s more important.

42JeffC May 3, 2011 at 1:12 amThe commenters wanting to know how to deal with a low-responder state that they typically wind up talking more to “fill in” the conversation, then walk away feeling guilty for doing so.The greater skill, I believe, is to learn to be comfortable with a bit of dead air that is simply going to be there when interacting with introverts. Sure, I prime the pump a bit with a “bad conversationalist,” but if the well seems dry, it might just be that the water isdeeper. Some folks are shy be nature, and to demand them to be gregarious is setting yourself up for disappointment.Instead, slow down the pace, leave them some room to think and make a safe comment if they choose, then politely follow up, but respect their boundaries. You’ll gain their respect, instead of seeming like just another “steam roller” that they have to deal with every day. If you talk too much at them, they just throw up thicker barriers for their own self-preservation.You’ll get to know them, and appreciate them, just as well, if you can learn to minimize your own discomfort about a little silence.I speak as a former introvert.

43Sam M May 3, 2011 at 5:46 am

Great post Brett. I am confident we are all guilty of this at one point or another (I am guilty of it often andneed to improve) – we are after all, social animals. I think a natural human trait is to want to help or teach one another by explaining things or telling a story to illustrate a point. This is a positive social skill when practiced judiciously. In a conversational setting though, many of us take this trait too far by basically giving a speech instead of having a back and forth dialogue. The challenge is not to monopolize a conversation to the point where the person on the listening end has shut down with their eyes glazed over thinking, “when will this windbag shut up”? Thanks for posting some strategies for all of us to improve our conversational listening skills.

44Tyler S May 3, 2011 at 7:15 amIf a person starts giving one-word-responses, let them! It will only make you look better to all those within listening distance. Just make sure you keep a mental noteof how much you are gearing the conversation towards yourself. Every so often just think about your responses and who the attention was towards as a result. Should youhave it geared towards you, start putting the conversation on them.

47mydogoreo May 3, 2011 at 10:27 amYou just can’t win! There have been a few times when I have tried being more reflective in my attempts to be a good conversationalist only to be told that I was asking too many questions! Some hate being asked questions, somewon’t let you ask questions or make comments on their monologue, so I just end up being totally mute or talkingabout what I want to talk about. It’s safer, and if the other person does not like the subject they can (and have) simply and abruptly changed the subject. I do that also, now, hoping the other person will take the hint.You are right, Brett – it’s all competition but I suspectthat it is the result of isolation. If I get fatigued from hearing a friend’s problems, I now tell them to see a priest/rabbi/minister because my bent ear is obviously not helping them.

48Phil May 3, 2011 at 1:52 pmI fall into this category simply because my co-workers are very shy, introverted types who clam up whenever I ask questions of them.

49Noah May 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm

This is a tough one. I am certainly becoming more and more of an conversational narcissist as I get older and Ithink that’s due to more specific and focused interests and defined points of view. Once you’ve reached a level where people consider you an expert in your given field, especially if its one that is slightly off beat, you may find that conversation swings back to you simply because you ARE interesting. This is dangerous and it feeds the ego to the point where you start monopolizing conversations beyond people’s interest, but its is a fuzzy line at best. Once that freight train’s a-rollin’….Furthermore, I would argue that many of the men who read blogs such as this one are considered by most people around them, eccentrics. Caring about things such as conversation skills, masculine grooming, and dress etiquette seems antiquated to the majority of cap-donning, sweatpant-wearing masses and therefore, althoughwe (the readers of this blog) may know how to maintain polite conversation, the majority of folks will not. And,once you’ve entered a conversation with someone who clearly doesn’t care about the quality of his/her conversation, as an intelligent passionate person, its almost impossible to keep the focus off of yourself without a certain level of frustration. I suppose it’s the true Gentleman who although may think these things, never lets it show. And that’s where I need the most work.

 50 Eric Granata  May 3, 2011 at 3:18 pmI find myself committing conversational narcissism from time to time and get so frustrated with myself because I don’t want to be “that guy.” That and forgetting to introduce my wife to others are a couple of things I struggle with.

51Joe A. Anzaldua May 3, 2011 at 3:56 pmThus the phrase, “If you want to talk about you I have about 5 minutes; if you want to talk about me, I have ALLday!”

52Claude May 3, 2011 at 6:16 pmWhy does it seem like every pointy head doctor type always has to get in a shot at how much worse Americans are than their oh so enlightened European bretheren. I have to assume Dr. Gerben has never actually had interaction with Europeans. As someone who was born and raised in Switzerland but has spent the last 17 years in the US I actually see the opposite; Americans tend to defer more frequently in conversation with polite

questions than do people in other parts of the world. Don’t get me wrong Americans will still talk of themselves a good bit but if you carry on a casual conversation with most Europeans it simply becomes a contest of oneupmanship.

53JeffC May 3, 2011 at 9:26 pmI suppose it’s the true Gentleman who although may think these things, never lets it show. And that’s where I need the most work.Well said, Noah. The main point of Brett’s article boils down to the problem of controlling our own egos.A crass unsophisticate who dominates a conversation shouldn’t provide justification for me to lower my standards. If I do, I lose the opportunity to provide a model for his improvement. Whether he pays heed or not isinconsequential. Quite a challenge; one that I sometimes fail.

54TubbyMike May 3, 2011 at 9:33 pmI was going to leave a long-winded comment, but Eric Granata’s first paragraph said it for me. It’s a struggle. I must have a recessive “empathy gene”.

 55 Jonathan  May 3, 2011 at 10:48 pmThanks JeffC, for the shout-out to the introverts. As a current introvert, I appreciate your taking the time to be comfortable with silence.@Phil, I wouldn’t say the introverts you work with all “clam up,” though that may be the case with some of them.Introverts just typically take longer than the 5 nanoseconds society currently allocates to pauses betweenspeakers. Become comfortable with some silence; you’ll besurprised by who opens up.

57 Vince  May 4, 2011 at 1:34 amGreat article! A few typos, but it was a great read nonetheless. Interesting how this topic relates to sophistry and the tendency of some people to try to be controlling over others. One small quibble:“That’s why it’s so important that conversations are cooperative instead of competitive. But many people (and Dr. Derber argues, Americans especially, because of our culture of individual initiative, self-interest, and self-reliance) make conversations into competitions. Theywant to see if they can get the edge on the other people in the group by turning the attention to themselves as much as possible. This is accomplished through the subtletactics of conversational narcissism.”

Brett and Kate, I am sure you have tons of “individual initiative, self-interest, and self-reliance”, and I bet you are great conversationalists.

58AmateurRadio May 4, 2011 at 8:17 amConversational narcissism. Interesting. More interesting is the instruction on how to have a good conversation. Nevertheless, two points: 1. If one finds that he is consistently frustrated that “the other guy” (not the same person over and over, but endless strings of folks) is narcissistic in the conversation, it’s time to take a closer look at himself. Very possibly, he’s the one who is so needy (needy being an essential element of clinicalnarcissism) that if he doesn’t have the floor 24/7, he points the finger of witholding at the other guy; 2. If the difficulty one is having is a lack of conversational skill, the instructions here are especially wonderful. Ifone is really having a bout with narcissism, however, a la the clinical diagnosis, there are deeper issues (insecurity, primarily) that need to be addressed. However, as Lee points up, “fake it ’til you make it” mayactually work at least somewhat, even in the event of genuine narcissism: if one makes the effort to have the good conversation, the sharing conversation (this does not rule out respectable assertiveness), one may discoverthe joys of real communing, which may help reduce the actual causes of narcissism. It’s a good place to start.Narcissism seems to be big in the world these days. I’m not sure why, and I’m not convinced that individualism isat the root of it. In fact, I’d be more inclined to say that individualism scorned (let’s call it statism, elitism or authoritarianism) fosters the kind of insecurity that breeds narcissism. But it does take both a narcissism-breeding environment AND an individual who falls into the trap and doesn’t find his way out to make a narcissist. Perhaps learning to commune with others will assist the thus-trapped individual find the motivation to make the “conversational” interest in otherinto a genuine interest, a true wish to understand his world.

 59 Karen Runtz  May 4, 2011 at 12:15 pmFurther factors might be at play for some who unintentionally hog the conversation. Here are two I didn’t see mentioned:a)Nervousness. Anxiety can make some people talk a lot.

It happens with me.b)An intrinsic personality type driven by “feeling”, suchas an INFP (Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Intuition) on the Briggs-Myer scale. Yes, that’s me, too.The first two sentences about this personality type read “As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.” Responding emotionally, with stories, is my automatic reaction. Thiscan come across as narcissism. It’s not what I want to happen: I am very happy to have the other person running with the ball and genuinely want to know about and support them; it is just that when the ball is my court, these are the natural tendencies I have to combat along with others that were mentioned in the article and individual comments. I appreciated the illustration of the shift-response. It is something I can take and apply.

60Jules Jones May 4, 2011 at 2:36 pmI have a couple of problems with the article.For one thing, I have noticed more “attractive” people get to hold the floor in conversations.I don’t think I am ugly, but I have noticed, both males and females who are attractive get hold the attention of their audience.Secondly, what if you are more intelligent than the people you encounter on a daily basis.As a gifted child and a past teacher of gifted/talented students in middle school, I notice it is hard to “dumb down” the conversation.I often find myself hearing things that I already know oram bored with people talking about topics that do not interest me.I have seen this happen in the school environment with “cool” kids and the “nerds”.JUST SAYIN’!

61John H. May 4, 2011 at 4:55 pmInteresting article, I do alot of the subtler conversational narcissism at times like saying “uh-huh” “yeah”.What do you do if you are dating a conversational narcissist? My girlfriend will call me on the phone all the time, and literally talk about herself for 15 minutesstraight. I mean I can put the phone on speaker and say “yeah” every 5minutes and it could go on for an hour.

I’ve tried to very bluntly shift the conversation away from her, but she’ll go right back to talking about herself literally 30 seconds later. Im not smooth enough to tell her that sometimes I just don’t feel like talkingabout her without offending her. I’ve talked to her aboutit before but some habits just die hard.

 63Charles the Brewer May 5, 2011 at 11:00 pmVery timely post and excellent responses! As a reformed CN, I cringe every time this pattern plays out. My deepest relational desire since age four was to be admired for my knowledge and I never missed a chance to share it. The beginning of my end was being told, “If you’re talking, you ain’t listening. If you ain’t listening, what are you learning?”

64Steve Truesdale May 5, 2011 at 11:36 pmThanks for the great article, taking a closer look at what happens so quickly in conversation. Reminded me of Brian Reagan’s “Me Monster” stand up comic routine – which is about much the same thing.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVWHa5cpMZo

65Jonathan H May 6, 2011 at 12:20 amRe: “what if you are more intelligent than the people youencounter on a daily basis.” in comment #60.This should be taken as an opportunity for teaching and inspiration, not boredom and condescension. You should use your superior intellect to come up with questions about the subject that help the other person to discover new information and perspectives. Most boring topics can be made at least marginally interesting by looking at them from the perspective of another field of study.

67James Z. May 8, 2011 at 4:05 pmRe: #60 Jules JonesFirst off – no one is ever “just sayin”. . . usually it’sused to make a comment seem less pungent.Your first issue is a valid point that for the most I agree with. Where I differ is that I believe a more general rule would be that status – actual and perceived – dictates the conversation. Also, since I find people who are talkative and charismatic attractive I reinforce my invalid assumption that attractive people are talkative and charismatic. (I wonder if i’m buying into their narcissism?) This is a drawing a false causal relationship. The halo effect provides some interesting content on attraction.Your second point, by most measures of intelligence I am “smarter than the average bear.” I think that trying to

“‘dumb down’ the conversation” seems to under appreciate that persons capacity and shows lack of subject mastery on my part. It would also be my fault for bringing to thetable a subject that cannot be talked about by both parties – this seems to be an elitist version of narcissistic conversation.Similarly, your comment that you “often find yourself hearing things that you already know or are bored with people talking about topics that do not interest you” hints that your approach may not be the most conducive toegalitarian conversation. Perhaps sometimes conversationsshould be for others benefit and if someone insists on talking about something you have no interest in – take itis as a chance to learn more about the person who is sharing with you. Verily, we are the summation of our interest and experiences.

68Elliot May 9, 2011 at 1:12 amI cannot tell you how helpful this article and the articles similar to it have been. This is definitely something that has been frustrating me about myself and Ihad no clue that there were answers for these types off situations. I really appreciate all of your articles you have done on conversation. It is really great that there is a resource for someone my age (college) who spends a lot of time talking to people. Now, only if I could pass this article on to my friend who needs it sooooo desperately.

71Vincent May 12, 2011 at 9:15 amMy biggest problem lays in a lack of adequate topics and that I never find any questions which I can ask the talker to maintain the conversation.

 72 Nate  May 15, 2011 at 3:02 pmI definitely have the problem of being a conversational narcissist. I read a lot and have strong opinions on controversial topics so when I get going it’s hard to stop largely because I feel I have an opportunity to finally say something that I’ve been storing for a while.I usually don’t recognize that I have controlled a conversation for an inordinate amount of time until I’ve already appeared rude. This character flaw is definitely something that I am going to work at improving. Thanks for this articulate post, Brett.

73Meredith May 22, 2011 at 10:00 amIt really makes a difference to figure out the personality of your conversation partner. If the person is shy or is new to your school/church/workplace, they

may appreciate you taking over the conversation for a bit(NOT the whole time!) instead of just asking questions, no matter how keen and empathetic. I’m an introvert, and when I feel like the burden of coming up with topics is all on me, I become uncomfortable. There’s something soothing about listening to another person talk for a while, as long as they’re actively trying to be interesting and aren’t just droning about Pokemon or something. :-)Reading good novels might help you become a better conversationalist. Everyone you meet is a character in a story; they are all coming from somewhere and going somewhere. I need to get better at that calm curiosity about people.If you look at Jesus and Socrates, you will notice that they asked a lot of questions. Asking questions can be a method of teaching as well as learning.

74Lee May 27, 2011 at 8:56 pmIt’s amazing how these self-described ‘intelligent’ commenters miss the point completely. The article was nottitled, “How to find conversation worthy of my lofty intelligence.” The people that are most warmly rememberedfrom a social situation are those that can draw a meaningful conversation out of anyone, including the guy who is cleaning the toilet with his arse hanging out of his pants. Give peeps a chance!!

 75 George Spider  October 28, 2012 at 2:08 pmIt’s easy for most people to get caught up talking aout themselves, but it’s good practice to listen more, talk less. Narcissists are annoying, but you can be entertained and learn by listening to their dribble.

76Jan November 22, 2012 at 11:49 pmThank you for the article. I was not taught these things as child at all. Grew up in home with Mother who is “chatty” to the T. It was a challege to leave any store with her, as child I was embarrassed. I thought i was better…. i learned everything she taught me!!! Trying to unlearn the conversational narrcissim is challenging.Thank you for the article I have a lot to learn, I think it will be a huge change in my life

77Allen November 29, 2012 at 12:33 pmThis article brings up some great points. One thing it left me curious about, however, was how to weave self disclosure in without “shift responding”. Many resources on conversational skills recommend looking for free information in what your conversation partners say, as

well as giving free information of your own when responding to them. Without this disclosure the interactions become much like an interview, with one person never learning about the other. Anyone have any thoughts on how to weave these two ideas together? In some instances I see people’s shift responses as a narcissistic or starved attempt to turn things on them. In others, however, I wonder if people aren’t just tryingto show how they can relate to what was said. Perhaps thesolution is to disclose frequently, but after doing so always bring it back with a question? Using the example above:James: I’m thinking about buying a new car.Rob: Small world! I’ve been browsing around too. It’s been overwhelming with all the options out there. What models have you been looking at?This response has some disclosure from Rob, which gives James some info for later conversation as well as potentially something to relate to. Yet it still turns things back to James in the end. Is this an example of a support response using good disclosure? Or is this still kind of a shift response? I’d love to hear anyone’s thoughts.

 79Ben December 14, 2012 at 12:49 amGreat article and explanation of the underlying symptoms and mechanisms of conversational narcissism. I kinda havea different view about how one can avoid being a narcissistic conversationalist though. Rather than tryingto watch ourselves and avoid all the little pitfalls, I wonder if I more holistic solution might not be to just cultivate a genuine interest in the other person? I mean,imagine that the person you’re conversing with is the oneyou’ve been waiting your whole life to meet and talk with, would your responses not naturally tend to be supportive and encouraging?

80James December 27, 2012 at 9:09 pmNice site. Stumbled on it just recently!Me and a friend were discussing a mutual friend who is, at times, a serial shift responder!What has already been mentioned here – and actually acknowledged by said friend – is that anxiety is a major factor.People with narcissistic tendencies typically see others as merely extensions of themselves, hence the habit of not really listening or paying attention to what others say. This is tied into a severe lack of empathy. You can

tell a self-absorbed person that they are being so and the response is sometimes that they’ll laugh it off for the most part and keep right on with the same old behaviour. The classic narcissist – acknowledge but ignore :)What’s interesting is that I also have friends whereby their shift or support stances tend to swing back and forth between separate conversations: one conversation focuses more on themselves and the next there’s a more supportive conversation focussed more on you. This seems natural or reasonably healthy from what I can see and I don’t mind friends who do this.

81Rob January 7, 2013 at 3:42 pmAn excellent article indeed. I enjoyed it. Thank you for it. As I read it, I noticed the following paragraph:“Background acknowledgments: Minimal acknowledgments thatyou’re listening such as, “Yeah,” “Uh-huh,” “Hmm,” Sure.””Allan Pease, in this video I highly recommend:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PpJDwgOr9Q Points out, that funnily, this is the way men listen and the way the feel most comfortably being listened to. As he says: mostmen, most of the time. Personally I can confirm this for myself.The article does go into detail later on pointing out that: “those all important “Yeah’s” and “Hmmm’s.” Good conversationalists place their background acknowledgmentsin just the rights spots”, which sets the relevance of these “Yeah’s” and “Hmmm’s” right. Nevertheless I wanted to point this out, so that some readers of this article don’t misinterpret them in the future as weak interest intheir story.

 86 Starr  May 1, 2013 at 7:34 pmThis is a very thought provoking article. While I’m not the ultimate authority on conversation, I do see how the leading questions could really open up the other person. How much are we missing about other people? Might be a game changer. I find that when I’m given the chance to talk to others about something, I end up conversationallyvomiting. Everything tends to come out whether they want it to or not. Good article.

 88 Davis Nguyen  June 11, 2013 at 9:44 amThanks another great article Brett and Kate. You echoed perfectly the idea that people are most interested in themselves and those who know this can use it to form meaningful relationships.

It is similar to how Carnegie described as “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

89jimmy June 19, 2013 at 6:51 pmTry this with a friend. Sit down have a conversation and have the person to let you know how many times you say I,me or I’m. For best results have more than one friend. Record the conversation.

 92Cindy August 5, 2013 at 4:50 pmWhat a great article. Does anybody know if the book givesstrategies for dealing with “serial shift responders” and/or with people who ramble on very densely (as in words densely packed together) and at length without evenleaving space for the “mmm hmm” responses?